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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:41 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:41 -0700 |
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diff --git a/14093-h/14093-h.htm b/14093-h/14093-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8609669 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/14093-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2312 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, January 24th, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + .author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14093 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 24th, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" + id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>"They know nothing about the War in Greenland," said M. + DANGAARD IENSEN to a contemporary, and now the Intelligence + Department is wondering whether it didn't perhaps choose the + wrong colour after all for its tabs.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Governor of Greenland, giving evidence in the Prize + Court last week, was greatly interested to learn that there was + a well-known hymn, entitled "From Greenland's Icy Mountains." + He was, however, inclined to think that the unfortunate + reference to the rigorous nature of the climate would be + resented by the local Publicity Committee, to whose notice he + would feel it his duty to bring the matter when they were next + thawed out.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Lord DEVONPORT has established his own Press Bureau, and it + is rumoured that the Press Bureau is about to appoint its own + Food Controller.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The American Line has advanced its First-Class fares by + three pounds. It is hoped that this will effectually discourage + Mr. HENRY FORD from visiting Europe for some time to come.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Times Literary Supplement</i> has received 335 books + of original verse in 1916. And still the authorities pretend + that juvenile crime is confined to the East End.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A telegram despatched from London on January 22nd, 1906, + which contained a polling result of the General Election then + in progress, has just been received by a Witham resident, who + told the messenger there was no reply.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"If agriculture is to flourish," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, + "it must be so conducted as to pay." It is just this sordid + commercialism that distorts the Carmelite point of view.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The German Union for the Development of the German Language + have sent a petition to the CHANCELLOR, asking that in any + future Peace negotiations the German language should be used. + Will German frightfulness never cease?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Anybody in the Carmarthen district," says the local medical + officer, "can keep a pig in the parlour if they keep it clean." + The necessity of keeping the parlour clean for the sake of its + guest will be easily understood by those who appreciate the + fastidious taste of the pig.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Hungarian paper complains that the Government treats the + War as if it were merely a family affair. This contrasts + unfavourably with the more broadly hospitable attitude of the + Allies, who have made it abundantly clear that so far as they + are concerned anyone is welcome to join in and help their + side.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The other day a Farnham bellringer, after cycling seventy + miles, rang a peal of 5,940 changes. It is not known why.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"War diet," says Professor ROSIN in the <i>Lokal + Anzeiger</i>, "improves the action of the heart." But what the + Germans really want to know is, what improves a war diet?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Among the goods stolen from a Crouch Hill provision + merchant's the other day were eight cheeses and ten hams. As + the place was much littered it is thought that the cheeses put + up a plucky fight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is pointed out by experienced agriculturists that it is + useless to plant potatoes unless steps are taken to destroy the + insect pests. A Peterborough farmer has written a poem in + <i>The Daily Express</i> against those pests, but we fancy that + if a permanent improvement is to be effected it will be + necessary to adopt much sterner measures than this.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The recent vagaries of the Weather Controller are said to be + due to one of the new railway regulations, by which you are + required to "Show all seasons, please."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Even Nature seems upset by the War. According to <i>The + Evening Standard</i> primroses are blooming in a Harrow garden, + while only the other day a pair of white spats were to be seen + in the Strand.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/49.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/49s.png" + alt="NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR BROTHER, MAUD." /></a> + + <p><i>Anxious Mother.</i> "NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR BROTHER, + MAUD. 'OLD THE UMBRELLER OVER THE SUGAR!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>Another Glimpse of the Obvious.</h2> + + <p>From the "Standing Orders" of a Military + Hospital:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Officers confined to their beds will have their meals in + their rooms." + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "A gale of great fury raged at Sheffield early on Tuesday + morning. Much damage was done in the city and outlying + districts, a number of beings being + unroofed."—<i>Yorkshire Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Several others have been noticed to have a tile loose.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The welcome, amounting to an oration, which heralded the + Prime Minister, was the most remarkable feature of a very + remarkable occasion."—<i>Daily Dispatch.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Is this quite kind to the subsequent speakers?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "By his colleagues at Bar he has been regarded as a sound + lawyer, well worthy of the high position which he had + filled for little over two hundred + years."—<i>Englishman</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>). + </blockquote> + + <p>Lord HALSBURY must look to his laurels.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Mr. Clement Wragge has prepared a special weather forecast + for the year 9117. His opinion is that the year will prove + distinctly good."—<i>New Zealand Times.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>We infer that, in Mr. WRAGGE's opinion, the War will be over + by then.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>The Minimum.</h3> + + <p>Extract from a letter just received from H.Q. in + France:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "C.O.'s will take care that all ranks know that they must + never parade before an Officer—Brigade, Regimental or + Company—unless properly dressed, wearing at least a + belt." + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The few women on the platform were dressed quietly, as + befitted the occasion, the smartest person present being + Mr. McKenna."—<i>Illustrated Sunday Herald.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Our contemporary might have told us what he wore.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" + id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + + <h2>THE GOLFER'S PROTEST.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Among the shocks that laid us flat</p> + + <p class="i2">When WILLIAM loosed his wanton hordes</p> + + <p>There fell no bloodier blow than that</p> + + <p class="i2">Which turned our niblicks into + swords;</p> + + <p>And O how bitter England's cup,</p> + + <p class="i2">In what despair the order sunk her</p> + + <p>That called her Cincinnati up</p> + + <p class="i2">When busy ploughing in the bunker!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Even with those who stuck it out,</p> + + <p class="i2">Bravely defying public shame,</p> + + <p>Visions of trenches knocked about</p> + + <p class="i2">Would often spoil their usual game;</p> + + <p>Rumours of victory dearly bought,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or else of bad strategic hitches,</p> + + <p>Disturbed their concentrated thought</p> + + <p class="i2">And put them off their mashie + pitches.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now comes a menace yet more rude</p> + + <p class="i2">That puts us even further off;</p> + + <p>It says the nation's need of food</p> + + <p class="i2">Must come before the claims of golf;</p> + + <p>We hear of parties going round,</p> + + <p class="i2">Aided by local War-Committees,</p> + + <p>To violate our sacred ground</p> + + <p class="i2">By planting veg. along our + "pretties."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If there be truth in that report,</p> + + <p class="i2">Then have we reached the limit, + viz.:—</p> + + <p>The ruin of that manly sport</p> + + <p class="i2">Which made our country what it is;</p> + + <p>The ravages we soon restore</p> + + <p class="i2">By conies wrought or hoofs of mutton,</p> + + <p>But centuries must pass before</p> + + <p class="i2">A turnip-patch is fit to putt on.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What! Shall we sacrifice the scenes</p> + + <p class="i2">On which our higher natures thrive</p> + + <p>Just to provide the vulgar means</p> + + <p class="i2">To keep our lower selves alive?</p> + + <p>Better to starve (or, better still,</p> + + <p class="i2">Up hands and kiss the Hun + peace-makers)</p> + + <p>Than suffer PROTHERO to till</p> + + <p class="i2">The British golfer's holy acres.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>PERSONAL PARS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT.</h2>(<i>With + acknowledgments to some of our chatty contemporaries</i>.) + + <p>HAPPY C.-IN-C.—I saw the Commander-in-Chief to-day + passing through the little village of X in an open car. He was + very quietly dressed in khaki, with touches of scarlet on the + hat and by the collar. I waved my hand to him and he returned + the salute. It is small acts like this which endear him to all. + I noticed that the Field-Marshal was not carrying his baton. + Doubtless he did not wish to spoil its pristine freshness with + the mud of the roads.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>OF COURSE.—A friend in the Guards tells me that the + new food restrictions do not affect the men in the trenches + very seriously. Our brave soldiers are so inured to hardships + by now that they willingly forgo seven-course dinners.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>NOT STARVING.—While on the subject of food, the + picture published on page 6 of to-day's issue refutes the idea + that the Hun is starving. It represents the KAISER looking at + some pigs. The KAISER can be distinguished by a x.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>FASHIONS FOR MEN.—Now that mid-winter is with us it is + quite a common event to meet fur-clad denizens of the firing + line. Some of the new season's coats are the last word in chic, + one which I noticed yesterday made of black goat, having + pockets of seal coney with collar and cuffs of civet. The + wearer's feet were encased in the latest style of gum boots, + reaching to the thigh and fastening with a buckle. These are + being worn loose round the ankle. A green steel helmet, draped + in sandbag material, completed the costume. The field service + cap was not being worn inside the helmet.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>NUMBER NINE.—The Army doctors, so it seems, do not + fully understand the delicate constitution of a friend of mine + in the Blues, and sent him back to duty after dosing him with + medicine, though he is suffering from pain in the foot. The + medicine generally takes the form of a "Number Nine," the pill + that cures all ills; but last time he went on sick parade they + were out of stock, and he was given two "Number Fours" and a + "Number One" instead. Rough-and-ready pharmacy. What?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>SPIRITED.—Met my old chum, Sir William ——, + just back from the trenches. Dear old Billy, what cigars he + used to smoke in the good old days! He tells me that when on a + carrying fatigue the other night one of his men dropped the + earthenware receptacle which contains Tommy's greatest + consolation in this terrible war, and every drop of the + precious liquid was spilt. Five minutes later a Jack Johnson + landed beside him and put things right. <i>It gave him a rum + jar</i>. Good, eh?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>WHERE TO LUNCH.—I am just off to lunch with my old + pal, the Hon. Adolphus Lawrie-Carr, of the Motor Transport + Section of the A.S.C. I have never seen him look better than he + does now, in hunting stock and field boots, crop and spurs. He + always gives one a first-class meal.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>THE NEXT PUSH.—I had a most interesting conversation + the other day with Alphonse, late of the Saveloy. He is on the + G.H.Q. Staff in a position of high trust—something to do + with the culinary arrangements, I believe—and is, of + course, in the know. From what he told me confidentially I can + assure all my countless readers that there will be fighting on + the Western Front during 1917, and, in the words of Mr. Hilary + Bullox, "If it is not prolonged until next year, the present + year will certainly see the end of the War." More I cannot + divulge.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>Our Cautious Contemporaries.</h3> + + <blockquote> + "What can be said with truth is that business in the New + Loan for the first two days is easily AZ per cent. better + for new money than for the same period on the occasion of + the last loan."—<i>Evening Standard</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>"ANCIENT ORDER OF HIBERNIANS.</h3> + + <blockquote> + State President Fee has requisitioned a large supply of + stationery; he announces that he will at once begin an + active canvas of the State to revive old divisions and + organize new ones."—<i>Texas Newspaper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Just as if he were at home in dear old Ireland.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Athens, Wednesday. + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + The ex-Premiers who were consulted yesterday by the iKng, + were unanimously of opinion that the Entente Note was not + yesterday by the King were unanimously as its acceptance + would imply that Greece contemplated an attack on General + Sarrail's rear."—<i>Continental Daily Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Yet there are some people who complain that the situation in + Greece is not entirely clear.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" + id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/51.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/51s.png" + alt="THE APPLE OF DISCORD." /></a> + + <h3>THE APPLE OF DISCORD.</h3> + + <p>AUSTRIA. "WHERE DID YOU GET + THAT?" GERMANY. "SPOILS OF + ROUMANIA."</p> + + <p>AUSTRIA. "WELL, IF IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH TO SPLIT YOU + MIGHT LET US HAVE THE + CORE." GERMANY. "'THERE AIN'T GOING + TO BE NO CORE.'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page52" + id="page52"></a>[pg 52]</span> + + <h2>A WAY NOT TO PAY OLD DEBTS.</h2> + + <p>"Hullo, old thing!" said Herbert gloomily; "lots of + Congrats. Lucky devil, you," and he sighed unobtrusively.</p> + + <p>I had forgotten that once upon a time Adela had refused to + walk out with Herbert because of his puttees, which she said + were so original that they distracted her attention from the + way he proposed.</p> + + <p>Remembering this now, I offered my cousin a sympathetic + cigarette, which he, shaking himself free from care, accepted; + after which he began to borrow ten pounds—an achievement + which, I am proud to say, cost him nearly twenty minutes' hard + labour.</p> + + <p>Not so very long afterwards Adela and I had a honeymoon, + followed by a picture-postcard from Herbert. He said he was + sorry he hadn't been there to throw boots at us, but he was + convalescing on the Cornish Riviera, the exact spot being + marked with a cross; also one could not send money by postcard, + but I was not to think he was forgetting about that fiver he + had borrowed.</p> + + <p>The first part of this document caused Adela to wonder + vaguely if wounded officers ought to convalesce in + chimney-pots, but the last words gave me some twinges of a more + sincere alarm. Was Herbert's delusion a permanency, or merely a + slip of the pen?</p> + + <p>"Adela," I decided, "let's ask Herbert to dinner as soon as + ever he leaves the roofs of the British Riviera."</p> + + <p>Then one day, when I was writing letters in the Mess, he + strolled in. "Hullo!" he said, "where's the C.O.? What?... Oh, + thanks awfully, and ... Oh, I say, good Lord! I owe you three + quid, don't I?" and he drifted out abstractedly.</p> + + <p>"Three!" I echoed dizzily, as the door banged. I staggered + home for the week-end.</p> + + <p>I found Adela having an excited conversation with the + telephone in the hall.</p> + + <p>"Ooo!" she said, hanging up the receiver, "Herbert's a hero. + He's just been telling me. And he's coming to dinner + to-night."</p> + + <p>"I also," I responded with emotion, "have a tale to unfold," + and I unfolded it.</p> + + <p>When at last Herbert, moving modestly under the burden of a + newly acquired D.S.O., arrived at the flat, hospitality and an + unaccustomed awe withheld me from referring to so sordid a + matter as the inconsiderable decrease in my lately-invested + capital. Herbert, however, deprecated heroics, and, as he was + saying good-night, came of his own accord to the subject of + debts. He was always a conscientious fellow.</p> + + <p>"You know, old chap," he said with charming candour, as I + saw him off from the doorstep, "you <i>must</i> remind me to + pay up that two quid some time. I keep forgetting, and when I + do remember, like now, I haven't any money to do it with. + Cheero!" The door clicked and I swooned.</p> + + <p>It was very difficult; I could not even make up my mind + whether my best policy was to stalk Herbert with vigilance or + to avoid him as persistently as discipline allowed. On the one + hand he wasn't the cheque-book kind of man and he wouldn't pay + me unless he saw me. Contrariwise, he wouldn't even if he did, + and whenever he saw me my original loan of ten gold sovereigns + might continue its rapid decline. Finally I decided to abstain + from his society.</p> + + <p>Shortly after this momentous decision the War Office sent + him off to some remote part of the country, and for many months + our financial relations remained unaltered—at any rate in + my own estimation. He was still far away when Adela II arrived, + so we did our best to hush her up; we thought that if we could + smuggle her to, say, the age of ten and send her to school + Herbert couldn't possibly come and congratulate us about her. + That only shows how much we didn't know; for Herbert procured + some leave three weeks later and was excitedly mounting our + stairs within a few hours.</p> + + <p>"P'r'aps," whispered Adela bravely as he was being + announced, "he'll forget about money—p'r'aps he'll even + put it up a bit."</p> + + <p>I smiled cynically, and was justified ten minutes later, + when Herbert's conscience, troubled and apologetic, reminded + him about that guinea he owed me.</p> + + <p>At the christening it fell to half-a-quid, and, according to + Herbert's latest allegation, it is only his rotten memory for + postal-orders that prevents him from sending me that dollar at + once.</p> + + <p>And so, precariously, the matter rested till to-day, when + the final blow fell from the War Office. Herbert and I are to + proceed to France together next Monday. On that day, if I am + ingenious and agile enough not to meet him before, we ought to + be about all square; after that, as far as I can see, there + will be an inevitable moment when Herbert will turn to me with, + "I say, old fellow, you can't let me have that ten bob you + touched me for the other day, can you? Hate to ask you, but I + haven't got a sou ..." But I won't—no, I won't. I will + let my imaginary debt mount up, I will let it increase even at + the rate at which Herbert's has decreased, but I will not pay + it. Herbert, of course, will always be kind to me about it, for + he is a generous creature; and every time we go into action he + will probably wring my hand and beg me not to worry about it + any more.</p> + + <p>"Old man," he will be saying on the twenty-ninth occasion, + "if I got done in, promise you won't bother about that thousand + pounds you owe me—remember you're to think of it as + paid."</p> + + <p>I shall remember all right.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/52.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/52s.png" + alt="HERE! JUST GRAB THE OOJAH AN' DASH ROUND" /></a> + + <p><i>N.C.O.</i> "HERE! JUST GRAB THE OOJAH AN' DASH ROUND + TO THE TIDDLEY-OM-POM FOR SOME UMPTY-POO!"</p> + + <p>Private (ex-professor of languages) learns later that he + was expected to fetch a bucket of coke from the stores.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "In a corn and meal merchant's shop, where two or three + cats are kept for business purposes, the cats maybe seen + feeding at will from the open + sacks."—<i>Spectator</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>This lapse on pussy's part goes rather against the + grain.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" + id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/53.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53s.png" + alt="MUCH OFF, SIR?" /></a> + + <p><i>Barber</i>. "MUCH OFF, + SIR?" <i>War Economist</i>. + "DURATION OF WAR."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>POLITICAL NOTES.</h2> + + <h3>BY OUR OWN PAIR OF LYNX.</h3> + + <p>There is unfortunately no truth in the rumour that, in order + to provide billets for 5,000 new typists, and incidentally to + win the War, the Government has commandeered the Houses of + Parliament.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The problem of the housing of the traveller-classes when all + the hotels of London have been taken over by the Government is + now occupying both the waking and sleeping hours (such as they + are) of the War Cabinet, and a special department of the + Intelligence Department has been created to deal with it on the + roof of No. 10 Downing Street. It has not yet been decided + whether all visitors to London should be sent back as soon as + they arrive, or whether Sir JOSEPH LYONS should reap the sole + benefit of their sojourn.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Although the proprietors of the Hotel des Ambassadeurs, + Ealing, and the Grand Hotel Riche, Mile End, have offered the + Government their premises, on the most advantageous terms to + themselves, no arrangement has yet been effected.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A deputation of officials recently visited the Zoo and made + a number of measurements, but no decision has yet been reached + as to whether or no it will be taken over for Government + work.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is absolutely no truth in the statement, circulated by + some wholly frivolous or malicious person, that any of the + theatres or music-halls are to be closed during the War in + order to make space for workers.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is rumoured that Mr. EDWARD MARSH may very shortly take + up his duties as Minister of Poetry and the Fine Arts. Mr. + MARSH has not yet decided whether he will appoint Mr. ASQUITH + or Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL as his private secretary.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Meanwhile a full list of the private secretaries of the new + private secretaries of the members of the new Government may at + any moment be disclosed to a long-suffering public.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The latest Captain of Commerce to be diverted from his own + business for the benefit of his country is the head of the + great curl industry. He will have one on his sleeve, being + given commissioned rank in the Navy, and his special duty will + be the control of the waves of the Channel.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>At the invitation of the PREMIER, whose summons came to him + just as he was entering his car bound for Pall Mall, Mr. HARVEY + TATE has agreed to accept the portfolio of the Ministry of Road + Traffic. Mr. TATE'S long experience as a motorist and + familiarity with all the difficulties of motoring qualify him + peculiarly for this post. One of his first tasks will be to + inquire fully into the charges against the taxi varlet.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In spite of all rumours to the contrary, Lord NORTHCLIFFE + will remain outside the new Government, but his interest in it + is, at present, friendly. It is very well understood, however, + that everyone must behave; for his Lordship, in one of his rare + intervals of expansion, has been heard to remark that there are + as good fish in the sea as ever came out of it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The Bishop of Winchester proposes to cultivate the park + round big Palace at Fulham." + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <i>Bristol Times and Mirror</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>The Bishop of LONDON will, no doubt, return the compliment + at Farnham.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" + id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> + + <h2>WARS OF THE PAST.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>As recorded in the Press of the period.</i>)</h3> + + <h3>VII.</h3> + + <h3><i>From "Tempora" (Rome).</i></h3> + + <p>Admittedly, the peril is extreme. Crustumerium has fallen, + and also Ostia. However, Janiculum, the key to the whole outer + system of the City's defences, still stands, and there is + accordingly no immediate cause for dismay. But we are strongly + of the opinion—so rapid has been LARS PORSENA'S advance + hitherto—that the bridge over the Tiber should be at once + destroyed as a precautionary measure while there is yet time. + We have every confidence in the continued capacity for + resistance of the strong garrison at Janiculum, but it is + necessary to be prepared for every eventuality; and if the + fortress <i>should</i> fall without the bridge being demolished + the latter would inevitably be seized by the enemy, and the + Tiber, our last line of defence, would be lost to us.</p> + + <p>For the rest, the spirit of the people is excellent. It has + become almost a truism to say that nowadays none is for a + party, but all are for the State. Rich and poor have learned to + help and respect each other. Indeed, in these brave days + Romans, in Rome's quarrel, have poured out blood and treasure + unsparingly for the common cause. We are like a nation of + brothers.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3><i>Placard of "Hesperus" (Special Phosphorus + Edition)</i>:—</h3> + + <h3>FALL</h3> + + <h3>OF</h3> + + <h3>JANICULUM.</h3> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3><i>From "Hesperus" (Noon Edition).</i></h3> + + <h3>SWIFT ADVANCE OF THE ENEMY.</h3> + + <h3>WAR COUNCIL MEETS.</h3> + + <h3>HORATIUS TO HOLD BRIDGE-HEAD.</h3> + + <h3>CAN THE BRIDGE BE DESTROYED IN TIME?</h3> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3><i>The Secretary to the Senate announces</i>:</h3> + + <p>"The War Council met at the River Gate immediately on + receipt of the news of the fall of Janiculum. It was decided to + accept the offer of Port-Captain HORATIUS (S.P.Q.R.'s Own), + SPURIUS LARTIUS (Ramnian Regt.), and HERMINIUS ("Titian + Toughs"), who gallantly volunteered to hold the bridge-head in + order to give time for the bridge itself to be destroyed. All + hope of saving the town should not therefore be abandoned."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3><i>From our Special Correspondent.</i></h3> + + <p>I have just returned from the River Gate, where I was, I + believe, the first to applaud one of the Patres Conscripti + (commanding the Axe-and-Crowbar Volunteers), who set a fine + example by actually starting on the demolition of the bridge + himself. Already you could see the Tuscan hordes in the swarthy + dust that shrouded the Western horizon. I was myself in a + position to pick out ASTUR, who was girt with the brand which + (I am informed by a high authority) none but he can wield. + There is no need to describe to you the firmament-rending yell + that rose when the presence of the false and shameful SEXTUS + was officially notified. One saw women who hissed and even + expectorated in his direction, and more than one child, I + noticed, shook its small fist at him with splendid + spirit....</p> + + <p>I am told that HORATIUS spoke out pretty plainly to the + Senate, expressing the opinion that three men could easily hold + the bridge-head. The gallant officer, interviewed while he was + in the act of tightening his harness, declined to say much, + merely expressing the opinion that everyone has got to die some + time and that there was, after all, some satisfaction in being + killed in a fight against odds. I confess I was favourably + impressed by the very nonchalance of his attitude.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3><i>Stop Press News.</i></h3> + + <h3>LARTIUS BEAT AUNUS. HERMINIUS BEAT SEIUS. HORATIUS BEAT + PICUS.</h3> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3><i>From "Hesperus" (Fourth Edition).</i></h3> + + <h3>BRIDGE-HEAD STILL HELD.</h3> + + <h3>DEATH OF ASTUR.</h3> + + <h3>UNFORTUNATE MISHAP TO A LICTOR.</h3> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3><i>The Secretary to the Senate announces</i>:</h3> + + <p>"Latest advices show that HORATIUS has despatched ASTUR, + and, though slightly wounded in this encounter, has been able + to keep his place in the line. The bridge head is still being + held and there is now a pause in the fighting. The total enemy + casualties up to the present are estimated at: <i>Killed</i>, + 7; <i>Wounded</i>, 0; <i>Missing</i>, 0. Our own casualties + are: <i>Killed</i>, 0; <i>Wounded</i>, 1; <i>Missing</i>, 0. A + regrettable incident took place during the demolition of the + bridge, a Lictor having sliced himself with one of his own axes + and being compelled to relinquish his valuable labours."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>(<i>Stop-Press News</i>.)</h3> + + <h3>HORATIUS CUT OFF.</h3> + + <p>The bridge has been successfully destroyed shortly after the + skilful withdrawal of LARTIUS and HERMINIUS in the face of the + enemy. We greatly regret to add that HORATIUS is missing, I + having failed to make good his retreat with his comrades, and + must be regarded as lost.—(<i>Official</i>.)</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3><i>From "Hesperus" (Special Home Edition).</i></h3> + + <h3>HORATIUS SAFE.</h3> + + <h3>HOW HE SWAM THE RIVER.</h3> + + <h3>(<i>By our Special Correspondent.</i>)</h3> + + <p>HORATIUS, the only one of the "dauntless three" (as they + have been already named) about whose safety doubts were + entertained, has swum the river and is safe. I saw him, when + the bridge fell, standing alone, but obviously with all his + wits about him, despite the ninety thousand foes before and the + broad flood behind. When he turned round he might have seen, I + believe, from where he was standing (just where, on other + occasions, I have stood myself) the white porch of his home. + His lips parted as if in prayer. The next moment, pausing only + to sheathe his ensanguined sword, he took a graceful dive into + the river.</p> + + <p>Some moments of terrible tension ensued. When at last his + head appeared above the surges, a cry of indescribable rapture + went up, and I am happy to place on record the fact that I + distinctly detected a note of generous cheering from the Tuscan + ranks.</p> + + <p>But all was not yet over. The current ran fiercely, swollen + high by months of rain. Often I thought him sinking—and + indeed nearly sent in a message to that effect—but still + again he rose. Never, I think, did any swimmer in like + circumstances perform such a remarkable feat of natation. But + at length he felt the bottom, was helped ashore by myself and + the Senate, and was carried shoulder-high through the River + Gate. I understand that some special recognition is to be made + of his splendid feat.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3><i>From "Rome Chat."</i></h3> + + <p>Our frontispiece this week is a family group of brave + Captain HORATIUS, together with the tender mother who + (formerly) dandled him to rest, and his wife, who, it will be + noticed, is nursing his youngest baby. We are glad to hear + that, in conformity with the principle of settling our gallant + soldiers on the land, a goodly tract is to be given to this + popular hero. The story of how he held the bridge-head will + certainly afford a stirring tale for the home-circle for a long + time to come.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" + id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/55.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/55s.png" + alt="LUMME! THIS IS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, I DON'T THINK." /> + </a> + + <p>"LUMME! THIS IS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, I DON'T THINK. ME + A-VOLUNTEERIN' FOR INFANTRY, GOIN' RIGHT THROUGH ME + TRAININ', AN' NAH THEY MAKES A BLOOMIN' LANCER OF ME!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>'EAD-WORK.</h3> + + <p>Bob Winter is our local carrier. His old grey mare + Molly—or a predecessor very like her, driven by Bob's + father before him—has jogged into town on market days as + long as anyone in the village can remember. The weather-beaten, + oft-patched tilt of Bob's cart must have heard in its day + generations of village gossip, and a mere inspection of the + cargo on the flap which lets down at the back will provide + quite an amount of interesting information, such as "whose new + housemaid's tin trunk be a-goin' to station already, lookee, + and who be a-getten a new tyre to ees bicycle—see."</p> + + <p>Now, however, there is a likelihood that Bob may be called + up; and the fate of the carrying business hangs in the + balance.</p> + + <p>"Never mind, Bob," I said (I had overtaken him and old Molly + sauntering up the steep hill above the village); "if it comes + to that, you know, the women-folk will have to take turns at + the carrying while you are away. I believe I should make rather + a good carrier."</p> + + <p>Bob shook his head and looked evasive.</p> + + <p>"No, Miss," he said, "'twuddn' do, 'twuddn' do at all."</p> + + <p>"Come," I said, "you don't mean to say Molly would be too + much for me?"</p> + + <p>"No, Miss, 'tain't Molly, but—well, 'tain't no job for + a lady, ain't the carryin'; leastways, not to my way o' + thinkin'."</p> + + <p>"Oh, but I should get the people at the shops to help me + with the heavy things."</p> + + <p>Bob cleared his throat loudly and looked more uncomfortable + still. Then at last he decided to take the plunge.</p> + + <p>"'Tain't the liftin' that do be troublin' I, Miss," he said + confidentially, "'tis the 'ead-work. I don't believe there be a + wumman livin' could do it. There be a tur'ble lot of 'ead-work + in the carryin' business. Why, I do + think—think—think mornen till night, till what wi' + one thing an' what wi' another thing I'm sure there's times + when I don't know if I be on my 'ead or my 'eels. Why, I've + seen the time when I've a-comed in and I've a-set down and I've + a-said to Missis, 'No, Missis, I don't want no tea; I don't + want nothen only to set quiet, for I be just about tired out + with that there thinkin'.'</p> + + <p>"There be such a sight o' things you do have to remember, + lookee. What wi' the grocer, an' what wi' the draper, an' + folks's parcels to leave an' folks's parcels to call for, an' + picken up here an' setten down there—well, a woman's + brain ain't strong enough for it, leastways not to my way o' + thinkin'....</p> + + <p>"Well, now, if I ain't a-gone an' forgot to call at old Mrs. + Pettigrew's for her subscription for to get made up at the + chemist's! There, now, Miss, don't that just show how you do + 'ave to kip on thinkin' all the time, else you be just about + sure to forget somethin' or another? Oh yes, there be a + smartish lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business, an' no + mistake!"</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>An Enviable Post.</h4> + + <p>From a list of the new Government:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Chancellor of the Ducky of Lancaster: Sir Frederick + Cawley."—<i>Star</i> (<i>Johannesburg</i>). + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Man, to drive horse and make himself generally useful in + nursery."—<i>Provincial Press</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>No doubt a rocking-horse.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a New Zealand diocesan magazine:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Owing to the continued illness of the Vicar, which we + trust is reaching its last stage, the services of the + Church have been conducted by the following," etc. + </blockquote> + + <p>The Vicar, we understand, thinks this might have been more + tactfully worded.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page56" + id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/56.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/56s.png" + alt="OH, ALL RIGHT. DON'T KEEP 'OLLERIN' AT ME ABOUT THE WAR AND THE GOVER'MENT!" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Long-suffering Wife</i> (<i>to amateur + politician</i>). "OH, ALL RIGHT. DON'T KEEP 'OLLERIN' AT ME + ABOUT THE WAR AND THE GOVER'MENT! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE + TALKING TO—LORD DEVUMPORK?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE PURIFIED PRUSSIAN.</h2> + + <blockquote> + [Writing in <i>Die Woche</i> a well-known Baroness, a + leader of Berlin society, discusses the transformation and + purification of Berlin conviviality by the War. Social + functions accompanied by eating have altogether ceased and + given way to more refined gatherings—æsthetic + afternoon teas and elegant evening parties—at which + the conversation reaches heights of brilliancy unheard of + in the old carnivorous days. Unhappily snobbery still + prevails, "every class pretending to be richer and better + than they are—small officials, officers, landowners, + all pretending to be millionaires, and doing their + pretension shabbily."] + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One of the leading Prussian social stars</p> + + <p class="i2">Opines that War, although it makes for + leanness,</p> + + <p>Not only banishes discordant jars</p> + + <p class="i2">And purifies Berlin of all + uncleanness,</p> + + <p>But places her, beatified by Mars,</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon a pinnacle of mental keenness,</p> + + <p>Changing the cult of trencher and of bowl</p> + + <p>To feasts of reason and o'erflows of soul.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The gross carnivorous orgies of the past</p> + + <p class="i2">Have gone, and in their place is + something finer;</p> + + <p>Emotions of a transcendental cast</p> + + <p class="i2">Preoccupy the luncher and the diner;</p> + + <p>The Hun, in short, by being forced to fast,</p> + + <p class="i2">Has grown ethereal, more alert, + diviner;</p> + + <p>And, purged of all incentive to frivolity,</p> + + <p>His speech has almost lost its guttural quality.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His talk, of old to stodginess inclined,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now sparkles with consistent + coruscation,</p> + + <p>Attaining heights of mirth and wit combined</p> + + <p class="i2">Unknown to any previous generation,</p> + + <p>But always exquisitely pure, refined</p> + + <p class="i2">And spiritual, as befits the nation</p> + + <p>In which the nicer touch was never missing</p> + + <p>Down from great FREDERICK to blameless BISSING.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis easy, though the writer does not tell,</p> + + <p class="i2">To guess the themes which prompt the + brightest sallies;</p> + + <p>Louvain; the <i>Lusitania</i>; Nurse + CAVELL—</p> + + <p class="i2">With these Hun wit most delicately + dallies;</p> + + <p>The wreck of Reims; the Prussic acid shell;</p> + + <p class="i2">The desolation of Armenia's valleys;</p> + + <p>The toll of Belgian infants slain ere + birth—</p> + + <p>All these excite Berlin's ecstatic mirth.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And yet a slight <i>amari aliquid</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Is mingled with this lady's honeyed + phrases;</p> + + <p>Berlin society is not yet rid</p> + + <p class="i2">Of one of its less admirable phases;</p> + + <p>There is, in other words, one fly amid</p> + + <p class="i2">The precious ointment of the writer's + praises;</p> + + <p>In every class are those who ape the airs</p> + + <p>Of the superior nobs and millionaires.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But still, when all reserves are duly made</p> + + <p class="i2">For negligible faults in tact or + breeding,</p> + + <p>The picture by this noble scribe displayed</p> + + <p class="i2">Of high-browed Hundom makes impressive + reading;</p> + + <p>For homage to convivial needs is paid</p> + + <p class="i2">Without the faintest risk of + over-feeding,</p> + + <p>And, braced by frugal fare, the Prussian brain</p> + + <p>Soars to a perfectly celestial plane.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page57-58" + id="page57-58"></a>[pg 57-58]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/58.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/58s.png" + alt="I AM THE MAN." /></a> + + <h2>"I AM THE MAN."</h2> + + <p>["What is wanted is a moral deed, to free the world ... + from the pressure which weighs upon all. For such a deed it + is necessary to find a ruler who has a conscience.... I + have the courage."—<i>Extract of letter from the + GERMAN KAISER to his Chancellor, dated October 31st, 1916, + and recently published in "The North German + Gazette."</i>]</p> + </div><!--pages 59-60 blank--> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" + id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/61.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61s.png" + alt="THE ADVANTAGE OF A SCIENTIFIC EDUCATION." /></a> + + <h3>THE ADVANTAGE OF A SCIENTIFIC EDUCATION.</h3> + + <p><i>Drawing Mistress</i> (<i>to member of class that has + been told to draw some object of natural history</i>). + "NOW, JAMES, THAT IS NAUGHTY. WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE A + NATURAL HISTORY SUBJECT?"</p> + + <p><i>James</i>. "BUT I HAVE. I'VE DRAWN THE RED CORPUSCLES + IN THE BLOOD OF A FROG."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A FLEETING DETACHMENT.</h2> + + <p>Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.), stepped off the + footboard of X.33, a mediæval Vanguard, and splashed his + way round to the driver. "I'm fair sick o' this 'ere Flanders, + I am," he complained, expectorating dolorously into the sea of + mud; "'spose it 'ull be up to the blinkin' axles before + February?" He stirred the mixture with a cautious foot.</p> + + <p>"Not 'arf, ole sport," replied the driver, carefully + unsticking a cigarette from his underlip. "But yer ought to + 'ave bin out larst winter, then yer did 'ave to sit above + yerself to keep yer tootsies dry."</p> + + <p>"Wot—wuss than this?" exclaimed the disconsolate + one.</p> + + <p>"Wuss!" was the withering retort. "Wy, when I tells yer that + some o' them Naval 'Umming-birds, t'other side o' Popinjay, + fitted out an ole Blue 'Ammersmith with a pair o' propellers + ... Wuss!" He exhaled scornfully and gave a turn to the + lubricator.</p> + + <p>"Any chance o' getting down Vermelly way? They say it ain't + 'arf bad there." Albert brightened up at the thought.</p> + + <p>"'Tain't likely," was the sharp and unsympathetic reply. + "'Oo do yer think's goin' ter do this little job if they takes + our lot away? Wy, this 'ere road is just like 'Igh 'Olborn to + me; I knows all the 'umps and 'ollows blindfold."</p> + + <p>Albert returned to the stern sheets and considered the most + feasible method of desertion.</p> + + <p>Half-an-hour later, when the daylight had gone, X.33, + generously over-flowing with a detachment of the 20th + Mudlarkers, was, in company with many other vehicles, making + her inharmonious way along the "Wipers" road. Judging from the + plunginess of her progress and the fluent language of the man + of oil, it was evident that some of the "'umps and 'ollows" had + passed from the driver's memory. Not that such a slight matter + could damp the spirits of the passengers. Rather it served to + entertain them.</p> + + <p>"We '<i>ave</i> gone an' fallen out of the dress-circle this + time," a voice exclaimed after an extra steep dive into a + badly-filled shell crater.</p> + + <p>Albert, wet and unsociable, hung gloomily on to the back + rail.</p> + + <p>"Carn't see wot they got to be so blinkin' 'appy abart," he + muttered savagely; "I don't believe it's 'arf bad in them + trenches." He ruminated bitterly on the thought that his job + was probably the worst one on the whole front, and made a + resolve to put the matter right.</p> + + <p>When the final stopping-place had been reached and the 20th + Mudlarkers, after the usual indescribable mêlée, + had been put upon the path that would ultimately lead them (if + they were fortunate enough to avoid all guides, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" + id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> philosophers and friends) to + their trench, the man of oil was profanely grieved to + discover that Albert Snape had abandoned X33 for the + unknown.</p> + + <p>As a matter of fact Albert had slipped away and followed the + Mudlarkers, with a hazy idea that a rifle would fortuitously + present itself. That an extra unit could possibly be noticed + never occurred to him. He had a vague intention of joining a + cavalry regiment. Very soon he lost the Mudlarkers, and then, + by an easy sequence of events, himself.</p> + + <p>"Wha goes there?" whispered a hoarse voice almost in his + ear. It gave him quite an unpleasant start, but, suppressing + his first inspiration, which was to say the Life Guards, he + answered, "I'm a Mudlarker!"</p> + + <p>"This iss the Seaforths in supporrt," remarked the sentry; + "ye'll be in the firrst line, na doot. Ye'll hae to go back, + an' it's the firrst turnin' tae the left, an' keep as strecht + as ye can." The Highlander stepped back into the deeper shadows + and the self-recruited Mudlarker continued his career.</p> + + <p>He traversed what seemed to him an interminable number of + trenches without encountering anyone. There was a reason for + this lack of companionship, but it did not at first appeal to + his imagination. Suddenly he was startled by the vicious "phut, + phut, phut" of unpleasantly close shooting, and bullets began + to splash and grease along the bottom of the trench, + accompanied by the stutter of a machine gun.</p> + + <p>Miraculously untouched, he slid over the parados and lay, + sweating with fright, in the watery furrow of a turnip + field.</p> + + <p>The trench was one that was seldom used, being thoroughly + exposed to enfilading fire. At stated periods through the night + a machine gun was turned on, a proceeding which, beyond + gratifying the Huns, had no sort of effect. Albert, in blissful + ignorance of all such customs, floundered about amongst the + turnips until he came across a Jack Johnson crater. From this + he emerged even wetter than before. A little later he became + mixed up with some barbed wire. The more be tried to get away + the more inextricably he became involved with it. A star shell + burst overhead, and a German sniper, seizing the chance of a + lifetime, put in four rounds rapid fire.</p> + + <p>Albert lost the lobe of an ear and had his breeches shot + through, but he managed to escape from the wire and find + another furrow. Mere dampness no longer inconvenienced him, + there were so many other things to think about. He crawled + stealthily on his hands and knees and found the barbed wire + again. At length he heard the welcome sound of voices. He + crawled faster until he became aware that the voices were not + speaking English, This discovery turned him to stone. For an + hour—perhaps two hours—he remained as still as a + hare in its form.</p> + + <p>Suddenly, blurred and crouching figures appeared out of the + night. They moved quickly and silently. One of them nearly trod + upon his hand, but he was too dazed to think of committing + himself to either speech or action.</p> + + <p>"Give it 'em!" cried a voice a few seconds later, and the + roar of the exploding bombs signified that it had been + given.</p> + + <p>Instantly pandemonium broke loose. Machine gun and rapid + rifle fire burst forth from the German front trenches, and + streams of bullets swept over the intervening ground like a + gigantic hail-storm; then some field batteries began to burst + H.E. shrapnel above the disturbed area, while star shells and + magnesium flares threw an uneven light over the whole + scene.</p> + + <p>A breathless body cast itself down beside the now completely + mesmerised Albert: "We ain't 'arf upset the blinkin' beehive. + Lumme! it's——"</p> + + <p>The prone figure suddenly became silent, gave a convulsive + kick or two and rolled over towards the man who still + lived.</p> + + <p>It was sufficient. Something seemed to draw very tense in + Albert's brain and his body reeled into action.</p> + + <p>Blindly and without coherent thought he ran shouting across + the field, stumbling and falling over the slippery and uneven + surface, but always picking himself up and flinging his body + onward into the unknown.</p> + + <p>A subaltern, who was examining a luminous watch, received + him at the charge as he fell into an English first-line trench. + They struggled wildly together in the mud to the accompaniment + of startling language on the part of the subaltern.</p> + + <p>Then Albert, having reached his limit of endurance, had the + supreme tact to faint.</p> + + <p>A little later, in a well-found dug-out, the patient was + refreshing himself with copious draughts of brandy.</p> + + <p>"Who are you, and what the devil are you doing here?" asked + the still indignant officer.</p> + + <p>Albert did not hesitate longer than it takes to swallow.</p> + + <p>"Lorst me way, I 'ave, Sir. I'm with X 33, attached to + Mechanical Transport, an' if I ain't back pretty quick my mate + 'ull fair 'ave a bloomin' fit."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As was predicted by the sagacious man of oil, the mud upon + the —— road is slowly climbing towards the axles, + but in spite of this and sundry other drawbacks it would be + hard to find a more contented spirit than that of Private + Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.).</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LIONS AT PLAY.</h2> + + <h3>BY A SUBALTERN.</h3> + + <p>The Colonel rustles his newspaper, smites it into shape with + a mighty fist, rips it across in a futile endeavour to fold it + accurately, and, casting it furiously aside in a crumpled mass, + says, after the manner of all true War Lords, "Umph." Whereupon + the Ante-Room as one man takes cover.</p> + + <p>The Colonel then turns cumbrously in his chair, permitting + his eye to rove round the room in search of the unwary prey. He + smiles cynically at the intense concentration of the Auction + parties; winces at the renewed and unnatural efforts of those + who make music; glares unamiably at the feverish book-worms, + and suddenly breaks into little chuckles of satisfaction. The + Ante-Room peers cautiously round to discover the identity of + the unfortunate victim, and chuckles in its turn. The Adjutant, + checked in his stealthy retreat, hastens back, arranges the + table and chess-board, pokes the fire with unnecessary energy, + and sits down. At once the Ante-Room abandons its cover.</p> + + <p>The Colonel begins by grasping the box, turning it upside + down, and spilling the contents over the sides of the table. + The Adjutant immediately apologises for his clumsiness. The + Colonel then liberally spreads out the pieces, selects two + pawns, and offers the Adjutant the choice of two fists. The + Adjutant chooses. Each fist opens to disclose a white pawn. The + Colonel's expansive smile over his little joke quickly turns to + a frown at the Adjutant's exaggerated laughter. He suspects the + Adjutant. He seizes two more pieces, offers his opponent + another choice, but, to the latter's huge delight and his own + discomfiture, eventually discovers that both are black. He + accordingly makes use of his casting vote and selects + white.</p> + + <p>The Colonel plays a smashing game. When it is his turn to + move he never pauses to make up his mind. His mind is already + made up. All he has to do, immediately the Adjutant has + finished touching up his position, is to move the piece his eye + has been piercing throughout the long period of his opponent's + cautious deliberation. When the Colonel moves a piece he may be + said to get there. All obstructions are ruthlessly swept aside + with a callous indifference to Hague Conventions. + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" + id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> Should a knight haply descend + from the clouds and settle on the correct square it arrives + more by luck than judgment. Tradition alleges that whenever + the Colonel is called upon to move his king in the earlier + stages of the game all lights are turned off from the + neighbouring town in accordance with the Defence of the + Realm Regulations. However true this may be—the + responsibility rests on the Padre's capable + shoulders—when his king is moved in the later stages + the Colonel pushes it along by half-squares in a haphazard + and preoccupied manner. He invariably fills his pipe when + the end is in sight, but leaves it unlighted so that he may + cover his ultimate defeat by a general demolition of + matches.</p> + + <p>On this occasion the Adjutant skilfully snipes the Colonel's + queen in the sixth move. The Colonel immediately retrieves the + piece from the box, asks where it was before, examines it with + the essence of loathing and revolt, removes it out of his + sight, and refuses to take it back, although he had mistaken it + for another piece. In retaliation he proceeds to concentrate + all his effectives on his opponent's queen, and, after + sacrificing the flower of his forces, drives the attack home + and gains his objective with the greatest enthusiasm. He + remarks that the capture was costly, but that honour is + satisfied, and would the waiter kindly approach within + ear-shot?</p> + + <p>While the Adjutant is working up his offensive on the + Colonel's right flank, the Colonel himself is making + independent sallies on the left, unless, of course, he is + compelled to march his king out of a congested district into + more open country. On the rare occasions when he is at a loss + for a moment what to do he makes it a practice to move a pawn + one square in order to gain time. By this method, unexpectedly + but none the less jubilantly, he recovers his queen—only + to see it laid low again by enfilading fire from a perfectly + obvious redoubt.</p> + + <p>After twenty minutes of battle the Colonel's area becomes + positively draughty, and the sole survivors of his dashing but + sanguinary counter-attack, the king and two pawns, have assumed + the bored and callous air of a remnant that has fought too long + and is called upon to fight again. The Colonel has just + unceremoniously pushed his sovereign to the rear with a flick + of his nervous irritated little finger. His opponent can + obviously bring him to his knees in two moves. Instead of which + the Adjutant brazenly commences with massed bands and colours + flying to execute a masterly tactical advance with the whole of + his command—cavalry, infantry, church and tanks, in order + to achieve the destruction of the two bantam bodyguards.</p> + + <p>This is not playing the game, and the Colonel fumes inwardly + and frets outwardly. In the intervals of pressing down the + unlit tobacco in his pipe with an oscillating thumb, he + alternately pokes his king out of the corner and pulls it back + again; while his transparent impulse is to scrap the board, + wreck the ante-room and run amok. The Adjutant continues his + innocent amusement until at last the pleasure wanes. The two + heroic pawns are carried decently off, and he apologetically + whispers his suspicions of a checkmate to his commanding + officer.</p> + + <p>The Colonel brushes aside the Mess President's + tinder-lighter, shatters the mute triumph of the serried black + ranks of the hostile forces with one superb elevation of the + eyebrows, smashes three matches in quick succession, and proves + that all the time his mind has been preoccupied with weightier + matters by saying after the manner of all true War Lords, + "Umph."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/63.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63s.png" + alt="PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE!" /></a> + + <p><i>Tube Conductor</i>. "PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, + PLEASE! PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE!! (<i>In + desperation</i>) ANY LADY OR GENTLEMAN PRESENT KNOW THE + GERMAN FOR 'PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR'?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Sweetness and Light.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O MATTHEW ARNOLD! you were right:</p> + + <p>We need more Sweetness and more Light;</p> + + <p>For till we break the brutal foe</p> + + <p>Our sugar's short, our lights are low.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" + id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> + + <h2>A LUCID EXPLANATION.</h2> + + <p>It was my task to collect from their relatives particulars + as to the whereabouts of the wounded of our neighbourhood, for + the purposes of our local report. It wanted five minutes to + twelve, the sacred dinner-hour of the British artisan, and one + name remained upon my list, against which was a pencilled note, + "Reported returning home." Did that mean that he was disabled? + And should I manage to gather the necessary information before + the clock struck?</p> + + <p>I knocked at the door, which was opened by a woman wearing a + canvas apron with a very tight string, her head surmounted by + hair-curlers and a cloth cap.</p> + + <p>"Yes, thanking you kindly," she replied in answer to my + question, "me son '<i>as</i> been wounded. 'Eard of it from the + War Office. This war's a shocking business."</p> + + <p>I expressed my sympathy and asked for particulars.</p> + + <p>"Yer see, he was at Gallipoli."</p> + + <p>"At Gallipoli? Then it must have been some time ago? I + understood—"</p> + + <p>"It was this way. Me son, 'e ses to me, 'Mother,' 'e says, + 'don't you worry, but I've had a toe took off.' 'E never was + one to put up a great shout 'bout hisself, nor nothink of that. + They took 'im down to their base 'ospital. Leeharver's the + name. Perhaps you know it?"</p> + + <p>I cast my mind over the Ægean Islands, from which + Mudros sprang up very large, and everything else sank into + oblivion. "I'm afraid I don't," I owned apologetically.</p> + + <p>"Thought perhaps you might. L-E first word, H-A-V-R-E + second—Leeharver."</p> + + <p>"Oh-h, to be sure, Le Havre. I mean—yes, now you + mention it, I think I have heard of it. And is your son still + there?"</p> + + <p>Me son, 'e ses the vermin there was something shocking, and + they spent all their spare time 'unting theirselves."</p> + + <p>"What? <i>not</i> in the hospital? Oh, I see; you mean in + the trenches."</p> + + <p>"And 'im," she continued, not noticing my remark, 'and 'im + that partic'lar 'bout 'is linen; couldn't use a 'andkerchief + not unless it was spotless; must 'av a clean one every Sunday + as reg'lar as the week come round. It do seem 'ard, don't it? + They've pinched his sweater too. S'pose I shall 'av to get 'im + another, s'pose I shall; but it's a job to know how to get + along these times. And now margarine's up this week, that's the + latest."</p> + + <p>"But your son," I ventured tentatively—"is his foot + still bad?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, 'is <i>foot's</i> right enough. It's 'is teeth that's + the worry. 'E ses to me, 'Mother,' he ses, 'afore I can do any + good I must 'ave me teeth seen to.' Oh, this fighting's cruel + work!"</p> + + <p>Could he have been wounded in the jaw? The thought was + horrible, but I remarked with affected cheerfulness, "Well, + come, anyhow he is able to write."</p> + + <p>"Oh, 'e can <i>write</i> right enough—got the prize at + school for 'rithmatic, 'e did."</p> + + <p>"Yes, but I mean if he is able to write he can't be so very + bad."</p> + + <p>"Oh, 'e didn't <i>write</i> that. That was August come a + twelvemonth. The very first thing they done to him was to take + out pretty near 'alf 'is teeth. The military authorities do + pull you about something shocking."</p> + + <p>"And where did he go after Hav—after Leehar—I + mean after the hospital?" I was getting rather bewildered.</p> + + <p>"Oh, 'e went to the War right enough; but 'is digestion's + that bad. They said 'e'd feel a lot better once 'is teeth was + was out, but 'e ses, 'Mother,' 'e ses, 'you want a mouth full + of teeth to eat this bullet beef what they give us.' Next thing + was they set him to drive them machines."</p> + + <p>"What machines would those be?" I asked, groping for a + little light.</p> + + <p>"Why, them motors as they use out there. 'E got meddling + with one of 'em, and it was the nearest thing 'e didn't 'ave + 'is 'and in a jelly; the machine didn't act proper, or + somethink o' that."</p> + + <p>"And do you mean that his hand was injured?"</p> + + <p>"Not as I've 'eard on," came the prompt reply.</p> + + <p>"Well, but I thought you said your son <i>had</i> been + wounded."</p> + + <p>"Ah, yes, that was 'is toe, yer see; sent 'im down to the + base 'ospital, Leeharver."</p> + + <p>"Yes, you told me that; but I heard he might be coming home. + I was afraid perhaps he was disabled."</p> + + <p>"That's right. 'E's coming 'ome right enough. Ought to be + 'ere in 'bout five minutes. 'Ope 'is dinner 'asn't spiled time + I've stood 'ere talking to you."</p> + + <p>"Well, what <i>is</i> the matter with him then?" I asked + desperately.</p> + + <p>"Dunno there's anything partic'lar wrong with 'im. 'E's + going to get married to-morrer, if that's what you mean. 'Ope + it won't be the beginning of fresh troubles for 'im. But you + never know what's coming next."</p> + + <p>I agreed that you never did.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/64.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64s.png" + alt="ELLO, WOT'S THE MATTER WITH 'IM?" /></a> + + <p>"ELLO, WOT'S THE MATTER WITH 'IM?"</p> + + <p>"SHELL SHOCK, I RECKON."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.</h2> + + <h3>III.</h3> + + <p>Jerry, my lad,—We have lost a dear friend, and with + him, alas, the piping days of peace. No, he is not dead, or + even moribund, but his friendship for us lives no longer. His + name is Feodor, and he is a Bulgar comitadjus, or whatever is + the singular of "comitadji," and he lived until lately in No. 2 + Dugout, Hyde Park, just over the way.</p> + + <p>It is a moot point which delighted us the more, Feodor's + charming manner or his exquisite trousers. These two + characteristics were the more pleasing because of their perfect + contrast; for whereas his manner was refined and retiring, his + trousers were distinctly aggressive in their flaunting + shameless redness.</p> + + <p>Feodor's appearances were at first spasmodic. This was only + natural, seeing that he had not yet instilled into us his own + attractive habit of <i>laisser aller</i> and <i>laisser + faire</i>, and that his red trousers offered such a beautiful + mark.</p> + + <p>He would appear suddenly, smile seraphically towards us, and + then disappear before our snipers could get on to him. At first + of course we tried to pot him, but gradually our ferocity gave + way to amazement and then to tolerance. At last came a day when + Feodor climbed on to his parapet and made us a pretty little + speech. We cheered him loudly, although we didn't understand + much of it. Next day we brought down an interpreter + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" + id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> and asked Feodor for an + encore. His second performance was even more spirited than + the first, and after a graceful vote of thanks to our + benefactor we asked the interpreter to oblige.</p> + + <p>It appeared that from his boyhood Feodor had been + apprenticed to an assistant piano-tuner in Varna. Rosy days of + rapid promotion followed, and the boy, completely wrapped up in + his profession, soon became a deputy assistant piano-tuner. + Then followed the old, old story of vaulting ambition.</p> + + <p>The youth, his head turned by material success, sought to + consolidate his social position by a marriage above his + station, and dared to aspire to the hand of a full + piano-tuner's daughter.</p> + + <p>The old man tried gentle dissuasion at first, but the + obstinate pertinacity of the stripling made him gradually lose + patience. He was a hale and hearty veteran, and when the + situation came to a climax his method of dealing with it was + stern and thorough.</p> + + <p>Seizing the hapless Feodor during an evening call he + interned him in the vitals of a tuneless Baby Grand, and for + three hours played on him CHOPIN'S polonaise in A flat major, + with the loud pedal down. On his release Feodor had lost his + reason and rushed to the nearest police-station to ask to be + sent to the Front immediately. His object, he explained, was to + end the War. The Bulgar authorities thought the plan worth + trying and sent him off as a comitadjus; and to these + circumstances we were indebted for his society.</p> + + <p>Every day we saw more and more of Feodor, and we grew to + love him. As to sniping him now—the idea never entered + our beads. Accordingly, while a deafening strafe proceeded + daily on both sides of us, we remained in a state of idyllic + peace and hatelessness.</p> + + <p>Then arrived the cruel day when the Brass Hats came round, + and a large and important General asked us—</p> + + <p>"But are you being offensive enough to the enemy in + front?"</p> + + <p>"Offensive to Feodor, Sir? Impossible!"</p> + + <p>"You <i>must</i> be offensive," he rejoined. "I don't think + there is sufficient hate in this part of the line."</p> + + <p>It was this unfortunate moment that Feodor chose to step on + to his parapet and call out cheerfully to the Great + Man—</p> + + <p>"Good morning, John<i>ee</i>!"</p> + + <p>For one tense moment I thought the General would burst. By + an effort he pulled himself together, however, and shouted to + my troops in a voice of thunder—</p> + + <p>"At That Person in front—fifteen rounds rapid. + Fire!"</p> + + <p>We had to do it, of course, and, although I think most of + our sights were a little high, accidents <i>will</i> happen. + Feodor emitted one unearthly shriek, and his time back towards + home would, if it had been taken, make a world's championship + record.</p> + + <p>I don't think he was physically hurt; but his poor trousers + were badly punctured!...</p> + + <p>Our friend, Jerry, may not be lost, but he is certainly gone + behind.</p> + + <p class="center">Yours always,</p> + + <p class="author">PETER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/65.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65s.png" + alt="THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL. WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Lady</i> (<i>who has been photographed for + passport</i>). "THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL. + WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!"</p> + + <p><i>Photographer</i>. "I'M VERY SORRY, LADY; BUT, YOU + SEE, THE GOVERNMENT WON'T ALLOW US TO TOUCH UP ANY PASSPORT + PHOTOS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "From the Pentland Firth to Norway, the eyes of the British + Fleet are those of Nunquam."—<i>Yorkshire Post</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We suppose old <i>Dormio</i> is asleep as usual.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The clergy will be pleased to hear of parishioners who are + sick.".—<i>Parish Magazine</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>No doubt they mean it kindly, but it sounds rather + callous.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Holders of 15s. 6d. War Savings Certificates and scrip + vouchers of the War Loan are acceptable over the Post + Office counter at their face value."—-<i>Daily + News</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>"'My face is my fortune, Sir,' she said."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Will anyone give 15/- and a kind home to a nice little + brown miniature poodle dog, 3 years, ideal pet and + companion?"—<i>The Bazaar</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Sixpence more and the little pet could buy a War Savings + Certificate.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" + id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span> + + <h2>THE FATE OF UMBRELLAS.</h2> + + <h3>No. I.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>From Arthur Vivian, Bury Street, St. + James's, to Mrs. Morton, Dockington Hall, Bucks.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MRS. MORTON,—Just a line to thank you very + sincerely for my delightful visit. It was like old times to see + you "all gathered together in hospitable Dockington and to find + that the War, terrible as it is, has not altogether abolished + pleasant human intercourse in England, in spite of what the + Dean said. But then Deans are privileged persons.</p> + + <p>I am sorry to say, by the way, that in the hurry of + departure this morning I took away the wrong umbrella and left + my own. I am sending back the changeling with all proper + apologies. Would you mind sending me mine? It has a crook + handle (cane) and a plain silver band with my initials engraved + on it. Please give my love to Harry and the children.</p> + + <p class="center">Yours always sincerely,</p> + + <p class="author">ARTHUR VIVIAN.</p> + + <h3>No. II.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>From the Dean of Marchester to Mrs. + Morton</i>.</p> + + <p>DEAR MRS. MORTON,—I desire to thank you for three most + agreeable days spent in congenial company. You have indeed + mastered the secret of making your guests feel at home, and + Dockington even in war-time is still Dockington. Pray give my + warm regards to Mr. Morton and remember me suitably to the dear + children. I wish they wouldn't keep on growing up as they do; + childhood is so delightful.</p> + + <p>I find to my great regret that by some inexplicable mistake + I took away with me an umbrella that is not mine. I am sending + it back to you, and shall be deeply beholden to you if you will + pack up and send to me the one I left. It is an old one, + recognisable by its cane handle (crook) and an indiarubber ring + round the shaft. Pray accept my apologies for the trouble I am + giving you.</p> + + <p class="center">Yours very sincerely,</p> + + <p class="author">CHARLES MELDEW.</p> + + <h3>No. III.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>From Brigadier-General Barton to his + Sister, Mrs. Morton</i>.</p> + + <p>DEAR MARY,—You gave me a capital time. There's a + slight difference between Dockington and the trenches. I'm not + as a rule a great performer with clergymen, but I liked your + Dean. By the way, when I dashed off your man put somebody + else's umbrella in with me, instead of my own, which is a natty + specimen. The one I've got is an old gamp with a stout + indiarubber ring to it. I haven't time to send it back. Every + moment is taken up, as I cross to France to-night. Besides, how + can you pack such a thing as an umbrella? It's much too long. + Keep mine till we meet again. Best love to Harry and the + kids.</p> + + <p class="center">Ever yours,</p> + + <p class="author">TOM.</p> + + <h3>No. IV.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>From Arthur Vivian to Mrs. Morton</i>.</p> + + <p>DEAR MRS. MORTON,—I wired you this morning asking you + to do nothing about my umbrella. The fact is I have found it at + my rooms, and I am forced to the conclusion that I never took + it with me to Dockington at all. I am awfully sorry to have + given you all this trouble. It shall be a lesson to me never to + take my umbrella anywhere, or rather never to think I've taken + it, when, as a matter of fact, I haven't.</p> + + <p class="center">Yours always sincerely,</p> + + <p class="author">ARTHUR VIVIAN.</p> + + <h3>No. V.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>Telegram from Mrs. Morton to Arthur + Vivian</i>.</p>Too late. Sent off somebody's umbrella to you + yesterday. Please return it to me. + + <h3>No. VI.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>From Mrs. Morton to her Sister, Lady + Compton</i>.</p> + + <p>... We had a few friends at Dockington last week, not a real + party, but just a few old shoes—Tom, Arthur Vivian and + the Dean of Marchester and Mrs. Dean. Since they went away I've + had the most awful time with their umbrellas. They all took + away with them the wrong ones, and then wrote to me to send + them their right ones. Arthur Vivian never brought one, and + whose he took away I can't say. In fact I've been exposed to an + avalanche of returning umbrellas, and Parkins has spent all his + time in doing up the absurd things and posting them. He has + just celebrated his seventieth birthday, and these umbrellas + have ruined what's left of his temper. Umbrellas still keep + pouring in, and nobody ever seems by any chance to get the + right one. It's the most discouraging thing I've ever been + involved in. As far as I can make out the Dean's umbrella is + now in the trenches with Tom. If ever I have a party at + Dockington again I shall write, "No umbrellas by request," on + the invitations.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE INN O' THE SWORD.</h2> + + <h3>A SONG OF YOUTH AND WAR.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Roving along the King's highway</p> + + <p class="i2">I met wi' a Romany black.</p> + + <p>"Good day," says I; says he, "Good day,</p> + + <p class="i2">And what may you have in your pack?"</p> + + <p>"Why, a shirt," says I, "and a song or two</p> + + <p class="i2">To make the road go faster."</p> + + <p>He laughed: "Ye'll find or the day be through</p> + + <p class="i2">There's more nor that, young master.</p> + + <p class="i4">Oh, roving's good and youth is sweet</p> + + <p class="i6">And love is its own reward;</p> + + <p class="i4">But there's that shall stay your careless + feet</p> + + <p class="i6">When ye come to the Sign o' the + Sword."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Riddle me, riddlemaree," quoth I,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Is a game that's ill to win,</p> + + <p>And the day is o'er fair such tasks to + try"—</p> + + <p class="i2">Said he, "Ye shall know at the inn."</p> + + <p>With that he suited his path to mine</p> + + <p class="i2">And we travelled merrily,</p> + + <p>Till I was ware of the promised sign</p> + + <p class="i2">And the door of an hostelry.</p> + + <p class="i4">And the Romany sang, "To the very + life</p> + + <p class="i6">Ye shall pay for bed and board;</p> + + <p class="i4">Will ye turn aside to the House of + Strife?</p> + + <p class="i6">Will ye lodge at the Inn o' the + Sword?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then I looked at the inn 'twixt joy and fear,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the Romany looked at me.</p> + + <p>Said I, "We ha' come to a parting here</p> + + <p class="i2">And I know not who you be."</p> + + <p>But he only laughed as I smote on the door:</p> + + <p class="i2">"Go, take ye the fighting chance;</p> + + <p>Mayhap I once was a troubadour</p> + + <p class="i2">In the knightly days of France.</p> + + <p class="i4">Oh, the feast is set for those who + dare</p> + + <p class="i6">And the reddest o' wine outpoured;</p> + + <p class="i4">And some sleep sound after peril and + care</p> + + <p class="i6">At the Hostelry of the Sword."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>For our "National Lent"—the War Loan.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" + id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/67s.png" + alt="I DIDN'T HALF TELL OFF OUR SERGEANT JUST NOW." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Pet of the Platoon</i>. "I DIDN'T HALF TELL OFF OUR + SERGEANT JUST NOW. I CALLED HIM A KNOCK-KNEED, PIGEON-TOED, + SWIVEL-EYED MONKEY, AND SAID HE OUGHT TO GO TO A + NIGHT-SCHOOL!"</p> + + <p><i>Ecstatic Chorus</i>. "AND WHAT DID HE SAY?"</p> + + <p><i>Bill</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). "WELL, AS A MATTER + OF FAC', I DON'T THINK HE QUITE HEARD ME."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2><b>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</b></h2> + + <h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h3> + + <p>When the eminent in other branches of art take to + literature, criticism must naturally be tempered with respect. + This is much how I feel after reading Sir WILLIAM RICHMOND'S + <i>The Silver Chain</i> (PALMER AND HAYWARD). Probably, + however, I should have enjoyed it more had not the publishers + indulged in a wrapper-paragraph of such unbounded eulogy. If + anybody is to call this novel "a work of great artistic + achievement," and praise its "philosophy, psychology, + delightful sense of humour, subtle analysis" and all the rest, + I should prefer it to be someone less interested in the wares + thus pushed. For my part I should be content to call <i>The + Silver Chain</i> by no means an uninteresting story, the work + of a distinguished man, obviously an amateur in the craft of + letters, who nevertheless has pleased himself (and will give + pleasure to others) by working into it many pen-pictures of + scenes in Egypt and Rome and Sicily, full of the glowing colour + that we should expect from their artist-author. But the tale + itself, the unrewarded love of the middle-aged "Philosopher" + for the not specially attractive heroine <i>Mary</i>, and the + subordinate very Byronic romance of <i>Herbert</i> and + <i>Annunziata</i>, quite frankly recalls those early + manuscripts that most novelists must have burnt before they + were quit of boyhood, or preserved to smile over. Still, in + these winter days, when only Prime Ministers go to Rome (and + then not to bask) and Luxor is equidistant with the moon, you + may well find respite in a book so full of sunshine and + memories of happy places; but I am bound to repeat my warning + that your fellow-travellers will perhaps not be quite such + stimulating society as the publishers would have you + expect.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Sir THEODORE COOK has already done sound work in dealing + with German methods, and in <i>The Mark of the Beast</i> + (MURRAY) he pursues his labours a step further. So careful is + he to give incontestable proofs for the charges he brings + against the Huns that even the most anæmic neutrals must + find a difficulty in reading this volume without recognising + the truth. Especially he emphasizes the dangers of peace-making + with an enemy whose whole policy and programme have been based + on lies. And if he insists many times and again upon this point + he has his excuse in the fact that some of us are so + extraordinarily forgetful and forgiving that we cannot be + reminded too often of what the future has in store for us if we + do not now remember the past. With such an absolutely flawless + case in his hands I find myself wishing sometimes that Sir + THEODORE had been less prodigal of the denunciatory language + which he hurls at Teutonic heads. Not for a moment would I + suggest that the Hun does not deserve vituperation, but I am + inclined to think that a less violent manner of attack is more + effective. In his own way, however, Sir THEODORE is inimitable, + and I can pay no higher praise to his book than to say that I + know of no War-literature so admirably calculated to make + BETHMANN-HOLLWEG ("more double than his name") really sorry for + himself. <span class="pagenum"><a name="page68" + id="page68"></a>[pg 68]</span></p> + + <p>The War has not been lacking in fine memorials of the dead. + To what extent the Germans have commemorated the fallen I have + no notion; but in France and Italy the papers constantly print + tender and eloquent tributes, usually to the young. And in + England we have the same thing too, touchingly, proudly and + generously done. For the most part such tributes are mere + records, but now and then they reconstruct; and the most + remarkable example of such reconstruction—to the world at + large, absolute creation—is the memoir of <i>Charles + Lister</i> (UNWIN), which his father, Lord RIBBLESDALE, and + some devoted friends have, with perfect biographical tact, + prepared. But for CHARLES LISTER'S untimely death, leading his + men against the Turks in July, 1915, most of the letters in + this book would never have been printed at all; for whatever + his career might have become—and he was a man apart and + bound for distinction—and however great a record were + his, the early years could not be thus liberally illumined. But + since death decreed that these early years—he was not + quite twenty-eight when he was wounded for the third time and + succumbed—should constitute all his career, we have this + notable and beautiful book. If one had to put but a single + epithet to it I should choose "radiant." At Eton, at Balliol, + at the Embassies in Rome and Constantinople, and in the Army, + CHARLES LISTER shed radiance. All his many friends testify to + this. As for his letters, they are clear and gay and human; and + they have also a sagacity that many older and more determined + observers of life might envy; while that one to Lady DESBOROUGH + upon the death of his great friend, JULIAN GRENFELL, is + literature. Every page is interesting, but some are far more + than that; and at the end one has almost too moving a concept + of an ardent idealistic English gentleman met too late.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>At first sight, perhaps, <i>Nothing Matters</i> (CASSELL) + may sound to you a somewhat, shall I say, transatlantic title + for a book published in these days, when we are all learning + how enormously everything matters. But this emotion will only + last till you have read Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE'S disarming + little preface. Personally, it left me regretting only one + thing in the volume (or, to be more accurate, outside it), + which was the design of its very unornamental wrapper—a + lapse, surely, from taste, for which it would probably be quite + unfair to blame the writer of what lies within. This is almost + all of it excellent fooling, and includes a brace of longish + short-stories (rather in the fantastic style of brother MAX); + some fugitive pieces that you may recall as they flitted + through the fields of journalism; with, for stiffening, a + reprint of the author's admirable lecture upon "The Importance + of Humour in Tragedy." This is a title that you may well take + as a motto for the whole book. It will have, I think, a warm + welcome from Sir HERBERT'S many friends and admirers, even + should it turn out to be the case that some of his plots have + been (in his own quaintly attractive phrase) "prophetically + plagiarised" by other writers. Certainly this welcome will not + be lessened by the knowledge that all profits from the sale of + the volume are to go to support a cause that, to all who love + the Stage, will be far indeed from not mattering—the fund + to supplement the incomes of the wives and families of actors + at the Front. You may regard it therefore as the lightest of + comedies played, like so many others, in the cause of charity, + and put down your money with an approving conscience.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Let no one whose heart has been touched beyond mere + vicarious pride in the achievement of our brothers-in-arms at + the gate of Paris allow himself to miss the detailed narrative + of HENRI DUGARD in <i>The Battle of Verdun</i> (HUTCHINSON). A + good translation by F. APPLEBY HOLT, rather exceptional in + these days of hurried conveyancing, does not detract from the + vigour and movement of the story. We, who only saw the long + agony through the medium of the always inadequate and discreet + technicalities of the <i>communiqués</i>, could form no + real impression of the kind of fighting or of the results of + each phase of it. The author has collected the accounts or + reports, so that the strokes and counter-strokes (for there was + nothing passive in this siege) of the epic combats round + Douamont, Fort Vaux, the Woevre, Malancourt, Avocourt and the + Mort Homme are intelligibly reconstructed. Comment in the form + of personal anecdotes of individual heroism is added. Perhaps + the most illuminating touch is in the letter of poor Feldwebel + KARL GARTNER, which was to have been despatched to his mother + by a friend going on leave, so as to escape the Censor's eye. + It began in a mood of robustious confidence and ended (or + rather was interrupted by GARTNER'S capture) on the most + despairing note. And this was seven months before the most + brilliant counter-attack in the history of the War slammed the + door once for all in the face of the enemy.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/68.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/68s.png" + alt="THIS WON'T DO, YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT A LAUGH—IT'S A YAWN!" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Theatrical Manager</i>. "THIS WON'T DO, YOU KNOW. + IT'S NOT A LAUGH—IT'S A YAWN!"</p> + + <p><i>Poster Artist</i>. "WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE IN + SUCH A HURRY FOR THE SKETCH THAT YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME TIME + TO LET THE IMPRESSION OF THE PIECE WEAR OFF."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "The scheme of utilising vacant spaces in London is being + taken up enthusiastically in the + provinces."—<i>Evening Standard</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>At the same time the scheme of utilising vacant spaces in + the provinces is being welcomed with similar enthusiasm in + London.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Vigorous complaints against the proposal to establish an + overhead electric system of tramways in Edinburgh were made + this afternoon. + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + Lord Strathclyde declared that the overhead wires proposal + had electrified the citizens."—<i>Scottish Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>There must be something seriously wrong with the + insulation.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="margin-bottom:8em"> + <img src="images/pointer.png" + alt="pointer" /> + </div> + + <p style="text-indent:-1em"><b>NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception.</b></p><br clear="all" /> + + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14093 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14093-h/images/49.png b/14093-h/images/49.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e2d57a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/49.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/49s.png b/14093-h/images/49s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8157710 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/49s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/51.png b/14093-h/images/51.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4559bb9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/51.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/51s.png b/14093-h/images/51s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b0c88e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/51s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/52.png b/14093-h/images/52.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..24ab81f --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/52.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/52s.png b/14093-h/images/52s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..24d7279 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/52s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/53.png b/14093-h/images/53.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..438b9c6 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/53.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/53s.png b/14093-h/images/53s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..db46781 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/53s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/55.png b/14093-h/images/55.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..983198d --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/55.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/55s.png b/14093-h/images/55s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a732c78 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/55s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/56.png b/14093-h/images/56.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dcd6dcd --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/56.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/56s.png b/14093-h/images/56s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..05c347d --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/56s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/58.png b/14093-h/images/58.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e123064 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/58.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/58s.png b/14093-h/images/58s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a14e330 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/58s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/61.png b/14093-h/images/61.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e471be8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/61.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/61s.png b/14093-h/images/61s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c3f6a77 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/61s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/63.png b/14093-h/images/63.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e7c066c --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/63.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/63s.png b/14093-h/images/63s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..82e2740 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/63s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/64.png b/14093-h/images/64.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6a23b40 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/64.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/64s.png b/14093-h/images/64s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4b43e00 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/64s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/65.png b/14093-h/images/65.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..910b008 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/65.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/65s.png b/14093-h/images/65s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0eec557 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/65s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/67.png b/14093-h/images/67.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ca64130 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/67.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/67s.png b/14093-h/images/67s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..06172ff --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/67s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/68.png b/14093-h/images/68.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bc02112 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/68.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/68s.png b/14093-h/images/68s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cfcc0f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/68s.png diff --git a/14093-h/images/pointer.png b/14093-h/images/pointer.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6309484 --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-h/images/pointer.png |
