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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14093 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+January 24th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"They know nothing about the War in Greenland," said M. DANGAARD IENSEN to
+a contemporary, and now the Intelligence Department is wondering whether it
+didn't perhaps choose the wrong colour after all for its tabs.
+
+       ***
+
+The Governor of Greenland, giving evidence in the Prize Court last week,
+was greatly interested to learn that there was a well-known hymn, entitled
+"From Greenland's Icy Mountains." He was, however, inclined to think that
+the unfortunate reference to the rigorous nature of the climate would be
+resented by the local Publicity Committee, to whose notice he would feel it
+his duty to bring the matter when they were next thawed out.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord DEVONPORT has established his own Press Bureau, and it is rumoured
+that the Press Bureau is about to appoint its own Food Controller.
+
+       ***
+
+The American Line has advanced its First-Class fares by three pounds. It is
+hoped that this will effectually discourage Mr. HENRY FORD from visiting
+Europe for some time to come.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Times Literary Supplement_ has received 335 books of original verse in
+1916. And still the authorities pretend that juvenile crime is confined to
+the East End.
+
+       ***
+
+A telegram despatched from London on January 22nd, 1906, which contained a
+polling result of the General Election then in progress, has just been
+received by a Witham resident, who told the messenger there was no reply.
+
+       ***
+
+"If agriculture is to flourish," says _The Daily Mail_, "it must be so
+conducted as to pay." It is just this sordid commercialism that distorts
+the Carmelite point of view.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Union for the Development of the German Language have sent a
+petition to the CHANCELLOR, asking that in any future Peace negotiations
+the German language should be used. Will German frightfulness never cease?
+
+       ***
+
+"Anybody in the Carmarthen district," says the local medical officer, "can
+keep a pig in the parlour if they keep it clean." The necessity of keeping
+the parlour clean for the sake of its guest will be easily understood by
+those who appreciate the fastidious taste of the pig.
+
+       ***
+
+A Hungarian paper complains that the Government treats the War as if it
+were merely a family affair. This contrasts unfavourably with the more
+broadly hospitable attitude of the Allies, who have made it abundantly
+clear that so far as they are concerned anyone is welcome to join in and
+help their side.
+
+       ***
+
+The other day a Farnham bellringer, after cycling seventy miles, rang a
+peal of 5,940 changes. It is not known why.
+
+       ***
+
+"War diet," says Professor ROSIN in the _Lokal Anzeiger_, "improves the
+action of the heart." But what the Germans really want to know is, what
+improves a war diet?
+
+       ***
+
+Among the goods stolen from a Crouch Hill provision merchant's the other
+day were eight cheeses and ten hams. As the place was much littered it is
+thought that the cheeses put up a plucky fight.
+
+       ***
+
+It is pointed out by experienced agriculturists that it is useless to plant
+potatoes unless steps are taken to destroy the insect pests. A Peterborough
+farmer has written a poem in _The Daily Express_ against those pests, but
+we fancy that if a permanent improvement is to be effected it will be
+necessary to adopt much sterner measures than this.
+
+       ***
+
+The recent vagaries of the Weather Controller are said to be due to one of
+the new railway regulations, by which you are required to "Show all
+seasons, please."
+
+       ***
+
+Even Nature seems upset by the War. According to _The Evening Standard_
+primroses are blooming in a Harrow garden, while only the other day a pair
+of white spats were to be seen in the Strand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Anxious Mother._ "NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR BROTHER, MAUD. 'OLD
+THE UMBRELLER OVER THE SUGAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Glimpse of the Obvious.
+
+From the "Standing Orders" of a Military Hospital:--
+
+    "Officers confined to their beds will have their meals in their rooms."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A gale of great fury raged at Sheffield early on Tuesday morning. Much
+    damage was done in the city and outlying districts, a number of beings
+    being unroofed."--_Yorkshire Paper._
+
+Several others have been noticed to have a tile loose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The welcome, amounting to an oration, which heralded the Prime
+    Minister, was the most remarkable feature of a very remarkable
+    occasion." _Daily Dispatch._
+
+Is this quite kind to the subsequent speakers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "By his colleagues at Bar he has been regarded as a sound lawyer, well
+    worthy of the high position which he had filled for little over two
+    hundred years."--_Englishman_ (_Calcutta_).
+
+Lord HALSBURY must look to his laurels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Clement Wragge has prepared a special weather forecast for the
+    year 9117. His opinion is that the year will prove distinctly good."
+    _New Zealand Times._
+
+We infer that, in Mr. WRAGGE's opinion, the War will be over by then.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Minimum.
+
+Extract from a letter just received from H.Q. in France:--
+
+    "C.O.'s will take care that all ranks know that they must never parade
+    before an Officer--Brigade, Regimental or Company--unless properly
+    dressed, wearing at least a belt."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The few women on the platform were dressed quietly, as befitted the
+    occasion, the smartest person present being Mr. McKenna."--_Illustrated
+    Sunday Herald._
+
+Our contemporary might have told us what he wore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GOLFER'S PROTEST.
+
+  Among the shocks that laid us flat
+    When WILLIAM loosed his wanton hordes
+  There fell no bloodier blow than that
+    Which turned our niblicks into swords;
+  And O how bitter England's cup,
+    In what despair the order sunk her
+  That called her Cincinnati up
+    When busy ploughing in the bunker!
+
+  Even with those who stuck it out,
+    Bravely defying public shame,
+  Visions of trenches knocked about
+    Would often spoil their usual game;
+  Rumours of victory dearly bought,
+    Or else of bad strategic hitches,
+  Disturbed their concentrated thought
+    And put them off their mashie pitches.
+
+  Now comes a menace yet more rude
+    That puts us even further off;
+  It says the nation's need of food
+    Must come before the claims of golf;
+  We hear of parties going round,
+    Aided by local War-Committees,
+  To violate our sacred ground
+    By planting veg. along our "pretties."
+
+  If there be truth in that report,
+    Then have we reached the limit, viz.:--
+  The ruin of that manly sport
+    Which made our country what it is;
+  The ravages we soon restore
+    By conies wrought or hoofs of mutton,
+  But centuries must pass before
+    A turnip-patch is fit to putt on.
+
+  What! Shall we sacrifice the scenes
+    On which our higher natures thrive
+  Just to provide the vulgar means
+    To keep our lower selves alive?
+  Better to starve (or, better still,
+    Up hands and kiss the Hun peace-makers)
+  Than suffer PROTHERO to till
+    The British golfer's holy acres.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSONAL PARS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to some of our chatty contemporaries_.)
+
+HAPPY C.-IN-C.--I saw the Commander-in-Chief to-day passing through the
+little village of X in an open car. He was very quietly dressed in khaki,
+with touches of scarlet on the hat and by the collar. I waved my hand to
+him and he returned the salute. It is small acts like this which endear him
+to all. I noticed that the Field-Marshal was not carrying his baton.
+Doubtless he did not wish to spoil its pristine freshness with the mud of
+the roads.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OF COURSE.--A friend in the Guards tells me that the new food restrictions
+do not affect the men in the trenches very seriously. Our brave soldiers
+are so inured to hardships by now that they willingly forgo seven-course
+dinners.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT STARVING.--While on the subject of food, the picture published on page
+6 of to-day's issue refutes the idea that the Hun is starving. It
+represents the KAISER looking at some pigs. The KAISER can be distinguished
+by a x.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONS FOR MEN.--Now that mid-winter is with us it is quite a common
+event to meet fur-clad denizens of the firing line. Some of the new
+season's coats are the last word in chic, one which I noticed yesterday
+made of black goat, having pockets of seal coney with collar and cuffs of
+civet. The wearer's feet were encased in the latest style of gum boots,
+reaching to the thigh and fastening with a buckle. These are being worn
+loose round the ankle. A green steel helmet, draped in sandbag material,
+completed the costume. The field service cap was not being worn inside the
+helmet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NUMBER NINE.--The Army doctors, so it seems, do not fully understand the
+delicate constitution of a friend of mine in the Blues, and sent him back
+to duty after dosing him with medicine, though he is suffering from pain in
+the foot. The medicine generally takes the form of a "Number Nine," the
+pill that cures all ills; but last time he went on sick parade they were
+out of stock, and he was given two "Number Fours" and a "Number One"
+instead. Rough-and-ready pharmacy. What?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPIRITED.--Met my old chum, Sir William ----, just back from the trenches.
+Dear old Billy, what cigars he used to smoke in the good old days! He tells
+me that when on a carrying fatigue the other night one of his men dropped
+the earthenware receptacle which contains Tommy's greatest consolation in
+this terrible war, and every drop of the precious liquid was spilt. Five
+minutes later a Jack Johnson landed beside him and put things right. _It
+gave him a rum jar_. Good, eh?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE TO LUNCH.--I am just off to lunch with my old pal, the Hon. Adolphus
+Lawrie-Carr, of the Motor Transport Section of the A.S.C. I have never seen
+him look better than he does now, in hunting stock and field boots, crop
+and spurs. He always gives one a first-class meal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT PUSH.--I had a most interesting conversation the other day with
+Alphonse, late of the Saveloy. He is on the G.H.Q. Staff in a position of
+high trust--something to do with the culinary arrangements, I believe--and
+is, of course, in the know. From what he told me confidentially I can
+assure all my countless readers that there will be fighting on the Western
+Front during 1917, and, in the words of Mr. Hilary Bullox, "If it is not
+prolonged until next year, the present year will certainly see the end of
+the War." More I cannot divulge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Cautious Contemporaries.
+
+    "What can be said with truth is that business in the New Loan for the
+    first two days is easily AZ per cent. better for new money than for the
+    same period on the occasion of the last loan."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ANCIENT ORDER OF HIBERNIANS.
+
+    State President Fee has requisitioned a large supply of stationery; he
+    announces that he will at once begin an active canvas of the State to
+    revive old divisions and organize new ones."--_Texas Newspaper_.
+
+Just as if he were at home in dear old Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Athens, Wednesday.
+
+    The ex-Premiers who were consulted yesterday by the iKng, were
+    unanimously of opinion that the Entente Note was not yesterday by the
+    King were unanimously as its acceptance would imply that Greece
+    contemplated an attack on General Sarrail's rear."--_Continental Daily
+    Mail_.
+
+Yet there are some people who complain that the situation in Greece is not
+entirely clear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE APPLE OF DISCORD.
+
+AUSTRIA. "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?"
+
+GERMANY. "SPOILS OF ROUMANIA."
+
+AUSTRIA. "WELL, IF IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH TO SPLIT YOU MIGHT LET US HAVE THE
+CORE."
+
+GERMANY. "'THERE AIN'T GOING TO BE NO CORE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WAY NOT TO PAY OLD DEBTS.
+
+"Hullo, old thing!" said Herbert gloomily; "lots of Congrats. Lucky devil,
+you," and he sighed unobtrusively.
+
+I had forgotten that once upon a time Adela had refused to walk out with
+Herbert because of his puttees, which she said were so original that they
+distracted her attention from the way he proposed.
+
+Remembering this now, I offered my cousin a sympathetic cigarette, which
+he, shaking himself free from care, accepted; after which he began to
+borrow ten pounds--an achievement which, I am proud to say, cost him nearly
+twenty minutes' hard labour.
+
+Not so very long afterwards Adela and I had a honeymoon, followed by a
+picture-postcard from Herbert. He said he was sorry he hadn't been there to
+throw boots at us, but he was convalescing on the Cornish Riviera, the
+exact spot being marked with a cross; also one could not send money by
+postcard, but I was not to think he was forgetting about that fiver he had
+borrowed.
+
+The first part of this document caused Adela to wonder vaguely if wounded
+officers ought to convalesce in chimney-pots, but the last words gave me
+some twinges of a more sincere alarm. Was Herbert's delusion a permanency,
+or merely a slip of the pen?
+
+"Adela," I decided, "let's ask Herbert to dinner as soon as ever he leaves
+the roofs of the British Riviera."
+
+Then one day, when I was writing letters in the Mess, he strolled in.
+"Hullo!" he said, "where's the C.O.? What?... Oh, thanks awfully, and ...
+Oh, I say, good Lord! I owe you three quid, don't I?" and he drifted out
+abstractedly.
+
+"Three!" I echoed dizzily, as the door banged. I staggered home for the
+week-end.
+
+I found Adela having an excited conversation with the telephone in the
+hall.
+
+"Ooo!" she said, hanging up the receiver, "Herbert's a hero. He's just been
+telling me. And he's coming to dinner to-night."
+
+"I also," I responded with emotion, "have a tale to unfold," and I unfolded
+it.
+
+When at last Herbert, moving modestly under the burden of a newly acquired
+D.S.O., arrived at the flat, hospitality and an unaccustomed awe withheld
+me from referring to so sordid a matter as the inconsiderable decrease in
+my lately-invested capital. Herbert, however, deprecated heroics, and, as
+he was saying good-night, came of his own accord to the subject of debts.
+He was always a conscientious fellow.
+
+"You know, old chap," he said with charming candour, as I saw him off from
+the doorstep, "you _must_ remind me to pay up that two quid some time. I
+keep forgetting, and when I do remember, like now, I haven't any money to
+do it with. Cheero!" The door clicked and I swooned.
+
+It was very difficult; I could not even make up my mind whether my best
+policy was to stalk Herbert with vigilance or to avoid him as persistently
+as discipline allowed. On the one hand he wasn't the cheque-book kind of
+man and he wouldn't pay me unless he saw me. Contrariwise, he wouldn't even
+if he did, and whenever he saw me my original loan of ten gold sovereigns
+might continue its rapid decline. Finally I decided to abstain from his
+society.
+
+Shortly after this momentous decision the War Office sent him off to some
+remote part of the country, and for many months our financial relations
+remained unaltered--at any rate in my own estimation. He was still far away
+when Adela II arrived, so we did our best to hush her up; we thought that
+if we could smuggle her to, say, the age of ten and send her to school
+Herbert couldn't possibly come and congratulate us about her. That only
+shows how much we didn't know; for Herbert procured some leave three weeks
+later and was excitedly mounting our stairs within a few hours.
+
+"P'r'aps," whispered Adela bravely as he was being announced, "he'll forget
+about money--p'r'aps he'll even put it up a bit."
+
+I smiled cynically, and was justified ten minutes later, when Herbert's
+conscience, troubled and apologetic, reminded him about that guinea he owed
+me.
+
+At the christening it fell to half-a-quid, and, according to Herbert's
+latest allegation, it is only his rotten memory for postal-orders that
+prevents him from sending me that dollar at once.
+
+And so, precariously, the matter rested till to-day, when the final blow
+fell from the War Office. Herbert and I are to proceed to France together
+next Monday. On that day, if I am ingenious and agile enough not to meet
+him before, we ought to be about all square; after that, as far as I can
+see, there will be an inevitable moment when Herbert will turn to me with,
+"I say, old fellow, you can't let me have that ten bob you touched me for
+the other day, can you? Hate to ask you, but I haven't got a sou ..." But I
+won't--no, I won't. I will let my imaginary debt mount up, I will let it
+increase even at the rate at which Herbert's has decreased, but I will not
+pay it. Herbert, of course, will always be kind to me about it, for he is a
+generous creature; and every time we go into action he will probably wring
+my hand and beg me not to worry about it any more.
+
+"Old man," he will be saying on the twenty-ninth occasion, "if I got done
+in, promise you won't bother about that thousand pounds you owe
+me--remember you're to think of it as paid."
+
+I shall remember all right.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _N.C.O._ "HERE! JUST GRAB THE OOJAH AN' DASH ROUND TO THE
+TIDDLEY-OM-POM FOR SOME UMPTY-POO!"
+
+Private (ex-professor of languages) learns later that he was expected to
+fetch a bucket of coke from the stores.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In a corn and meal merchant's shop, where two or three cats are kept
+    for business purposes, the cats may be seen feeding at will from the
+    open sacks."--_Spectator_.
+
+This lapse on pussy's part goes rather against the grain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Barber_. "MUCH OFF, SIR?"
+
+_War Economist_. "DURATION OF WAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POLITICAL NOTES.
+
+BY OUR OWN PAIR OF LYNX.
+
+There is unfortunately no truth in the rumour that, in order to provide
+billets for 5,000 new typists, and incidentally to win the War, the
+Government has commandeered the Houses of Parliament.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The problem of the housing of the traveller-classes when all the hotels of
+London have been taken over by the Government is now occupying both the
+waking and sleeping hours (such as they are) of the War Cabinet, and a
+special department of the Intelligence Department has been created to deal
+with it on the roof of No. 10 Downing Street. It has not yet been decided
+whether all visitors to London should be sent back as soon as they arrive,
+or whether Sir JOSEPH LYONS should reap the sole benefit of their sojourn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although the proprietors of the Hotel des Ambassadeurs, Ealing, and the
+Grand Hotel Riche, Mile End, have offered the Government their premises, on
+the most advantageous terms to themselves, no arrangement has yet been
+effected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A deputation of officials recently visited the Zoo and made a number of
+measurements, but no decision has yet been reached as to whether or no it
+will be taken over for Government work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is absolutely no truth in the statement, circulated by some wholly
+frivolous or malicious person, that any of the theatres or music-halls are
+to be closed during the War in order to make space for workers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is rumoured that Mr. EDWARD MARSH may very shortly take up his duties as
+Minister of Poetry and the Fine Arts. Mr. MARSH has not yet decided whether
+he will appoint Mr. ASQUITH or Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL as his private
+secretary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Meanwhile a full list of the private secretaries of the new private
+secretaries of the members of the new Government may at any moment be
+disclosed to a long-suffering public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The latest Captain of Commerce to be diverted from his own business for the
+benefit of his country is the head of the great curl industry. He will have
+one on his sleeve, being given commissioned rank in the Navy, and his
+special duty will be the control of the waves of the Channel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the invitation of the PREMIER, whose summons came to him just as he was
+entering his car bound for Pall Mall, Mr. HARVEY TATE has agreed to accept
+the portfolio of the Ministry of Road Traffic. Mr. TATE'S long experience
+as a motorist and familiarity with all the difficulties of motoring qualify
+him peculiarly for this post. One of his first tasks will be to inquire
+fully into the charges against the taxi varlet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In spite of all rumours to the contrary, Lord NORTHCLIFFE will remain
+outside the new Government, but his interest in it is, at present,
+friendly. It is very well understood, however, that everyone must behave;
+for his Lordship, in one of his rare intervals of expansion, has been heard
+to remark that there are as good fish in the sea as ever came out of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Bishop of Winchester proposes to cultivate the park round big
+    Palace at Fulham."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.
+
+The Bishop of LONDON will, no doubt, return the compliment at Farnham.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WARS OF THE PAST.
+
+(_As recorded in the Press of the period._)
+
+VII.
+
+_From "Tempora" (Rome)._
+
+Admittedly, the peril is extreme. Crustumerium has fallen, and also Ostia.
+However, Janiculum, the key to the whole outer system of the City's
+defences, still stands, and there is accordingly no immediate cause for
+dismay. But we are strongly of the opinion--so rapid has been LARS
+PORSENA'S advance hitherto--that the bridge over the Tiber should be at
+once destroyed as a precautionary measure while there is yet time. We have
+every confidence in the continued capacity for resistance of the strong
+garrison at Janiculum, but it is necessary to be prepared for every
+eventuality; and if the fortress _should_ fall without the bridge being
+demolished the latter would inevitably be seized by the enemy, and the
+Tiber, our last line of defence, would be lost to us.
+
+For the rest, the spirit of the people is excellent. It has become almost a
+truism to say that nowadays none is for a party, but all are for the State.
+Rich and poor have learned to help and respect each other. Indeed, in these
+brave days Romans, in Rome's quarrel, have poured out blood and treasure
+unsparingly for the common cause. We are like a nation of brothers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Placard of "Hesperus" (Special Phosphorus Edition)_:--
+
+FALL
+
+OF
+
+JANICULUM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Hesperus" (Noon Edition)._
+
+SWIFT ADVANCE OF THE ENEMY.
+
+WAR COUNCIL MEETS.
+
+HORATIUS TO HOLD BRIDGE-HEAD.
+
+CAN THE BRIDGE BE DESTROYED IN TIME?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Secretary to the Senate announces_:
+
+"The War Council met at the River Gate immediately on receipt of the news
+of the fall of Janiculum. It was decided to accept the offer of
+Port-Captain HORATIUS (S.P.Q.R.'s Own), SPURIUS LARTIUS (Ramnian Regt.),
+and HERMINIUS ("Titian Toughs"), who gallantly volunteered to hold the
+bridge-head in order to give time for the bridge itself to be destroyed.
+All hope of saving the town should not therefore be abandoned."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From our Special Correspondent._
+
+I have just returned from the River Gate, where I was, I believe, the first
+to applaud one of the Patres Conscripti (commanding the Axe-and-Crowbar
+Volunteers), who set a fine example by actually starting on the demolition
+of the bridge himself. Already you could see the Tuscan hordes in the
+swarthy dust that shrouded the Western horizon. I was myself in a position
+to pick out ASTUR, who was girt with the brand which (I am informed by a
+high authority) none but he can wield. There is no need to describe to you
+the firmament-rending yell that rose when the presence of the false and
+shameful SEXTUS was officially notified. One saw women who hissed and even
+expectorated in his direction, and more than one child, I noticed, shook
+its small fist at him with splendid spirit....
+
+I am told that HORATIUS spoke out pretty plainly to the Senate, expressing
+the opinion that three men could easily hold the bridge-head. The gallant
+officer, interviewed while he was in the act of tightening his harness,
+declined to say much, merely expressing the opinion that everyone has got
+to die some time and that there was, after all, some satisfaction in being
+killed in a fight against odds. I confess I was favourably impressed by the
+very nonchalance of his attitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Stop Press News._
+
+LARTIUS BEAT AUNUS. HERMINIUS BEAT SEIUS. HORATIUS BEAT PICUS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Hesperus" (Fourth Edition)._
+
+BRIDGE-HEAD STILL HELD.
+
+DEATH OF ASTUR.
+
+UNFORTUNATE MISHAP TO A LICTOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Secretary to the Senate announces_:
+
+"Latest advices show that HORATIUS has despatched ASTUR, and, though
+slightly wounded in this encounter, has been able to keep his place in the
+line. The bridge head is still being held and there is now a pause in the
+fighting. The total enemy casualties up to the present are estimated at:
+_Killed_, 7; _Wounded_, 0; _Missing_, 0. Our own casualties are: _Killed_,
+0; _Wounded_, 1; _Missing_, 0. A regrettable incident took place during the
+demolition of the bridge, a Lictor having sliced himself with one of his
+own axes and being compelled to relinquish his valuable labours."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+(_Stop-Press News_.)
+
+HORATIUS CUT OFF.
+
+The bridge has been successfully destroyed shortly after the skilful
+withdrawal of LARTIUS and HERMINIUS in the face of the enemy. We greatly
+regret to add that HORATIUS is missing, I having failed to make good his
+retreat with his comrades, and must be regarded as lost.--(_Official_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Hesperus" (Special Home Edition)._
+
+HORATIUS SAFE.
+
+HOW HE SWAM THE RIVER.
+
+(_By our Special Correspondent._)
+
+HORATIUS, the only one of the "dauntless three" (as they have been already
+named) about whose safety doubts were entertained, has swum the river and
+is safe. I saw him, when the bridge fell, standing alone, but obviously
+with all his wits about him, despite the ninety thousand foes before and
+the broad flood behind. When he turned round he might have seen, I believe,
+from where he was standing (just where, on other occasions, I have stood
+myself) the white porch of his home. His lips parted as if in prayer. The
+next moment, pausing only to sheathe his ensanguined sword, he took a
+graceful dive into the river.
+
+Some moments of terrible tension ensued. When at last his head appeared
+above the surges, a cry of indescribable rapture went up, and I am happy to
+place on record the fact that I distinctly detected a note of generous
+cheering from the Tuscan ranks.
+
+But all was not yet over. The current ran fiercely, swollen high by months
+of rain. Often I thought him sinking--and indeed nearly sent in a message
+to that effect--but still again he rose. Never, I think, did any swimmer in
+like circumstances perform such a remarkable feat of natation. But at
+length he felt the bottom, was helped ashore by myself and the Senate, and
+was carried shoulder-high through the River Gate. I understand that some
+special recognition is to be made of his splendid feat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Rome Chat."_
+
+Our frontispiece this week is a family group of brave Captain HORATIUS,
+together with the tender mother who (formerly) dandled him to rest, and his
+wife, who, it will be noticed, is nursing his youngest baby. We are glad to
+hear that, in conformity with the principle of settling our gallant
+soldiers on the land, a goodly tract is to be given to this popular hero.
+The story of how he held the bridge-head will certainly afford a stirring
+tale for the home-circle for a long time to come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LUMME! THIS IS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, I DON'T THINK. ME
+A-VOLUNTEERIN' FOR INFANTRY, GOIN' RIGHT THROUGH ME TRAININ', AN' NAH THEY
+MAKES A BLOOMIN' LANCER OF ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'EAD-WORK.
+
+Bob Winter is our local carrier. His old grey mare Molly--or a predecessor
+very like her, driven by Bob's father before him--has jogged into town on
+market days as long as anyone in the village can remember. The
+weather-beaten, oft-patched tilt of Bob's cart must have heard in its day
+generations of village gossip, and a mere inspection of the cargo on the
+flap which lets down at the back will provide quite an amount of
+interesting information, such as "whose new housemaid's tin trunk be
+a-goin' to station already, lookee, and who be a-getten a new tyre to ees
+bicycle--see."
+
+Now, however, there is a likelihood that Bob may be called up; and the fate
+of the carrying business hangs in the balance.
+
+"Never mind, Bob," I said (I had overtaken him and old Molly sauntering up
+the steep hill above the village); "if it comes to that, you know, the
+women-folk will have to take turns at the carrying while you are away. I
+believe I should make rather a good carrier."
+
+Bob shook his head and looked evasive.
+
+"No, Miss," he said, "'twuddn' do, 'twuddn' do at all."
+
+"Come," I said, "you don't mean to say Molly would be too much for me?"
+
+"No, Miss, 'tain't Molly, but--well, 'tain't no job for a lady, ain't the
+carryin'; leastways, not to my way o' thinkin'."
+
+"Oh, but I should get the people at the shops to help me with the heavy
+things."
+
+Bob cleared his throat loudly and looked more uncomfortable still. Then at
+last he decided to take the plunge.
+
+"'Tain't the liftin' that do be troublin' I, Miss," he said confidentially,
+"'tis the 'ead-work. I don't believe there be a wumman livin' could do it.
+There be a tur'ble lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business. Why, I do
+think--think--think mornen till night, till what wi' one thing an' what wi'
+another thing I'm sure there's times when I don't know if I be on my 'ead
+or my 'eels. Why, I've seen the time when I've a-comed in and I've a-set
+down and I've a-said to Missis, 'No, Missis, I don't want no tea; I don't
+want nothen only to set quiet, for I be just about tired out with that
+there thinkin'.'
+
+"There be such a sight o' things you do have to remember, lookee. What wi'
+the grocer, an' what wi' the draper, an' folks's parcels to leave an'
+folks's parcels to call for, an' picken up here an' setten down
+there--well, a woman's brain ain't strong enough for it, leastways not to
+my way o' thinkin'....
+
+"Well, now, if I ain't a-gone an' forgot to call at old Mrs. Pettigrew's
+for her subscription for to get made up at the chemist's! There, now, Miss,
+don't that just show how you do 'ave to kip on thinkin' all the time, else
+you be just about sure to forget somethin' or another? Oh yes, there be a
+smartish lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business, an' no mistake!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Enviable Post.
+
+From a list of the new Government:--
+
+    "Chancellor of the Ducky of Lancaster: Sir Frederick Cawley."--_Star_
+    (_Johannesburg_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Man, to drive horse and make himself generally useful in nursery."--
+    _Provincial Press_.
+
+No doubt a rocking-horse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a New Zealand diocesan magazine:--
+
+    "Owing to the continued illness of the Vicar, which we trust is
+    reaching its last stage, the services of the Church have been conducted
+    by the following," etc.
+
+The Vicar, we understand, thinks this might have been more tactfully
+worded.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Long-suffering Wife_ (_to amateur politician_). "OH, ALL
+RIGHT. DON'T KEEP 'OLLERIN' AT ME ABOUT THE WAR AND THE GOVER'MENT! WHO DO
+YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO--LORD DEVUMPORK?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PURIFIED PRUSSIAN.
+
+[Writing in _Die Woche_ a well-known Baroness, a leader of Berlin society,
+discusses the transformation and purification of Berlin conviviality by the
+War. Social functions accompanied by eating have altogether ceased and
+given way to more refined gatherings--æsthetic afternoon teas and elegant
+evening parties--at which the conversation reaches heights of brilliancy
+unheard of in the old carnivorous days. Unhappily snobbery still prevails,
+"every class pretending to be richer and better than they are--small
+officials, officers, landowners, all pretending to be millionaires, and
+doing their pretension shabbily."]
+
+  One of the leading Prussian social stars
+    Opines that War, although it makes for leanness,
+  Not only banishes discordant jars
+    And purifies Berlin of all uncleanness,
+  But places her, beatified by Mars,
+    Upon a pinnacle of mental keenness,
+  Changing the cult of trencher and of bowl
+  To feasts of reason and o'erflows of soul.
+
+  The gross carnivorous orgies of the past
+    Have gone, and in their place is something finer;
+  Emotions of a transcendental cast
+    Preoccupy the luncher and the diner;
+  The Hun, in short, by being forced to fast,
+    Has grown ethereal, more alert, diviner;
+  And, purged of all incentive to frivolity,
+  His speech has almost lost its guttural quality.
+
+  His talk, of old to stodginess inclined,
+    Now sparkles with consistent coruscation,
+  Attaining heights of mirth and wit combined
+    Unknown to any previous generation,
+  But always exquisitely pure, refined
+    And spiritual, as befits the nation
+  In which the nicer touch was never missing
+  Down from great FREDERICK to blameless BISSING.
+
+  'Tis easy, though the writer does not tell,
+    To guess the themes which prompt the brightest sallies;
+  Louvain; the _Lusitania_; Nurse CAVELL--
+    With these Hun wit most delicately dallies;
+  The wreck of Reims; the Prussic acid shell;
+    The desolation of Armenia's valleys;
+  The toll of Belgian infants slain ere birth--
+  All these excite Berlin's ecstatic mirth.
+
+  And yet a slight _amari aliquid_
+    Is mingled with this lady's honeyed phrases;
+  Berlin society is not yet rid
+    Of one of its less admirable phases;
+  There is, in other words, one fly amid
+    The precious ointment of the writer's praises;
+  In every class are those who ape the airs
+  Of the superior nobs and millionaires.
+
+  But still, when all reserves are duly made
+    For negligible faults in tact or breeding,
+  The picture by this noble scribe displayed
+    Of high-browed Hundom makes impressive reading;
+  For homage to convivial needs is paid
+    Without the faintest risk of over-feeding,
+  And, braced by frugal fare, the Prussian brain
+  Soars to a perfectly celestial plane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I AM THE MAN."
+
+["What is wanted is a moral deed, to free the world ... from the pressure
+which weighs upon all. For such a deed it is necessary to find a ruler who
+has a conscience.... I have the courage."--_Extract of letter from the
+GERMAN KAISER to his Chancellor, dated October 31st, 1916, and recently
+published in "The North German Gazette."_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ADVANTAGE OF A SCIENTIFIC EDUCATION.
+
+_Drawing Mistress_ (_to member of class that has been told to draw some
+object of natural history_). "NOW, JAMES, THAT IS NAUGHTY. WHY HAVEN'T YOU
+DONE A NATURAL HISTORY SUBJECT?"
+
+_James_. "BUT I HAVE. I'VE DRAWN THE RED CORPUSCLES IN THE BLOOD OF A
+FROG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FLEETING DETACHMENT.
+
+Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.), stepped off the footboard of X.33, a
+mediæval Vanguard, and splashed his way round to the driver. "I'm fair sick
+o' this 'ere Flanders, I am," he complained, expectorating dolorously into
+the sea of mud; "'spose it 'ull be up to the blinkin' axles before
+February?" He stirred the mixture with a cautious foot.
+
+"Not 'arf, ole sport," replied the driver, carefully unsticking a cigarette
+from his underlip. "But yer ought to 'ave bin out larst winter, then yer
+did 'ave to sit above yerself to keep yer tootsies dry."
+
+"Wot--wuss than this?" exclaimed the disconsolate one.
+
+"Wuss!" was the withering retort. "Wy, when I tells yer that some o' them
+Naval 'Umming-birds, t'other side o' Popinjay, fitted out an ole Blue
+'Ammersmith with a pair o' propellers ... Wuss!" He exhaled scornfully and
+gave a turn to the lubricator.
+
+"Any chance o' getting down Vermelly way? They say it ain't 'arf bad
+there." Albert brightened up at the thought.
+
+"'Tain't likely," was the sharp and unsympathetic reply. "'Oo do yer
+think's goin' ter do this little job if they takes our lot away? Wy, this
+'ere road is just like 'Igh 'Olborn to me; I knows all the 'umps and
+'ollows blindfold."
+
+Albert returned to the stern sheets and considered the most feasible method
+of desertion.
+
+Half-an-hour later, when the daylight had gone, X.33, generously
+over-flowing with a detachment of the 20th Mudlarkers, was, in company with
+many other vehicles, making her inharmonious way along the "Wipers" road.
+Judging from the plunginess of her progress and the fluent language of the
+man of oil, it was evident that some of the "'umps and 'ollows" had passed
+from the driver's memory. Not that such a slight matter could damp the
+spirits of the passengers. Rather it served to entertain them.
+
+"We '_ave_ gone an' fallen out of the dress-circle this time," a voice
+exclaimed after an extra steep dive into a badly-filled shell crater.
+
+Albert, wet and unsociable, hung gloomily on to the back rail.
+
+"Carn't see wot they got to be so blinkin' 'appy abart," he muttered
+savagely; "I don't believe it's 'arf bad in them trenches." He ruminated
+bitterly on the thought that his job was probably the worst one on the
+whole front, and made a resolve to put the matter right.
+
+When the final stopping-place had been reached and the 20th Mudlarkers,
+after the usual indescribable mêlée, had been put upon the path that would
+ultimately lead them (if they were fortunate enough to avoid all guides,
+philosophers and friends) to their trench, the man of oil was profanely
+grieved to discover that Albert Snape had abandoned X33 for the unknown.
+
+As a matter of fact Albert had slipped away and followed the Mudlarkers,
+with a hazy idea that a rifle would fortuitously present itself. That an
+extra unit could possibly be noticed never occurred to him. He had a vague
+intention of joining a cavalry regiment. Very soon he lost the Mudlarkers,
+and then, by an easy sequence of events, himself.
+
+"Wha goes there?" whispered a hoarse voice almost in his ear. It gave him
+quite an unpleasant start, but, suppressing his first inspiration, which
+was to say the Life Guards, he answered, "I'm a Mudlarker!"
+
+"This iss the Seaforths in supporrt," remarked the sentry; "ye'll be in the
+firrst line, na doot. Ye'll hae to go back, an' it's the firrst turnin' tae
+the left, an' keep as strecht as ye can." The Highlander stepped back into
+the deeper shadows and the self-recruited Mudlarker continued his career.
+
+He traversed what seemed to him an interminable number of trenches without
+encountering anyone. There was a reason for this lack of companionship, but
+it did not at first appeal to his imagination. Suddenly he was startled by
+the vicious "phut, phut, phut" of unpleasantly close shooting, and bullets
+began to splash and grease along the bottom of the trench, accompanied by
+the stutter of a machine gun.
+
+Miraculously untouched, he slid over the parados and lay, sweating with
+fright, in the watery furrow of a turnip field.
+
+The trench was one that was seldom used, being thoroughly exposed to
+enfilading fire. At stated periods through the night a machine gun was
+turned on, a proceeding which, beyond gratifying the Huns, had no sort of
+effect. Albert, in blissful ignorance of all such customs, floundered about
+amongst the turnips until he came across a Jack Johnson crater. From this
+he emerged even wetter than before. A little later he became mixed up with
+some barbed wire. The more be tried to get away the more inextricably he
+became involved with it. A star shell burst overhead, and a German sniper,
+seizing the chance of a lifetime, put in four rounds rapid fire.
+
+Albert lost the lobe of an ear and had his breeches shot through, but he
+managed to escape from the wire and find another furrow. Mere dampness no
+longer inconvenienced him, there were so many other things to think about.
+He crawled stealthily on his hands and knees and found the barbed wire
+again. At length he heard the welcome sound of voices. He crawled faster
+until he became aware that the voices were not speaking English, This
+discovery turned him to stone. For an hour--perhaps two hours--he remained
+as still as a hare in its form.
+
+Suddenly, blurred and crouching figures appeared out of the night. They
+moved quickly and silently. One of them nearly trod upon his hand, but he
+was too dazed to think of committing himself to either speech or action.
+
+"Give it 'em!" cried a voice a few seconds later, and the roar of the
+exploding bombs signified that it had been given.
+
+Instantly pandemonium broke loose. Machine gun and rapid rifle fire burst
+forth from the German front trenches, and streams of bullets swept over the
+intervening ground like a gigantic hail-storm; then some field batteries
+began to burst H.E. shrapnel above the disturbed area, while star shells
+and magnesium flares threw an uneven light over the whole scene.
+
+A breathless body cast itself down beside the now completely mesmerised
+Albert: "We ain't 'arf upset the blinkin' beehive. Lumme! it's--"
+
+The prone figure suddenly became silent, gave a convulsive kick or two and
+rolled over towards the man who still lived.
+
+It was sufficient. Something seemed to draw very tense in Albert's brain
+and his body reeled into action.
+
+Blindly and without coherent thought he ran shouting across the field,
+stumbling and falling over the slippery and uneven surface, but always
+picking himself up and flinging his body onward into the unknown.
+
+A subaltern, who was examining a luminous watch, received him at the charge
+as he fell into an English first-line trench. They struggled wildly
+together in the mud to the accompaniment of startling language on the part
+of the subaltern.
+
+Then Albert, having reached his limit of endurance, had the supreme tact to
+faint.
+
+A little later, in a well-found dug-out, the patient was refreshing himself
+with copious draughts of brandy.
+
+"Who are you, and what the devil are you doing here?" asked the still
+indignant officer.
+
+Albert did not hesitate longer than it takes to swallow.
+
+"Lorst me way, I 'ave, Sir. I'm with X 33, attached to Mechanical
+Transport, an' if I ain't back pretty quick my mate 'ull fair 'ave a
+bloomin' fit."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As was predicted by the sagacious man of oil, the mud upon the ---- road is
+slowly climbing towards the axles, but in spite of this and sundry other
+drawbacks it would be hard to find a more contented spirit than that of
+Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIONS AT PLAY.
+
+BY A SUBALTERN.
+
+The Colonel rustles his newspaper, smites it into shape with a mighty fist,
+rips it across in a futile endeavour to fold it accurately, and, casting it
+furiously aside in a crumpled mass, says, after the manner of all true War
+Lords, "Umph." Whereupon the Ante-Room as one man takes cover.
+
+The Colonel then turns cumbrously in his chair, permitting his eye to rove
+round the room in search of the unwary prey. He smiles cynically at the
+intense concentration of the Auction parties; winces at the renewed and
+unnatural efforts of those who make music; glares unamiably at the feverish
+book-worms, and suddenly breaks into little chuckles of satisfaction. The
+Ante-Room peers cautiously round to discover the identity of the
+unfortunate victim, and chuckles in its turn. The Adjutant, checked in his
+stealthy retreat, hastens back, arranges the table and chess-board, pokes
+the fire with unnecessary energy, and sits down. At once the Ante-Room
+abandons its cover.
+
+The Colonel begins by grasping the box, turning it upside down, and
+spilling the contents over the sides of the table. The Adjutant immediately
+apologises for his clumsiness. The Colonel then liberally spreads out the
+pieces, selects two pawns, and offers the Adjutant the choice of two fists.
+The Adjutant chooses. Each fist opens to disclose a white pawn. The
+Colonel's expansive smile over his little joke quickly turns to a frown at
+the Adjutant's exaggerated laughter. He suspects the Adjutant. He seizes
+two more pieces, offers his opponent another choice, but, to the latter's
+huge delight and his own discomfiture, eventually discovers that both are
+black. He accordingly makes use of his casting vote and selects white.
+
+The Colonel plays a smashing game. When it is his turn to move he never
+pauses to make up his mind. His mind is already made up. All he has to do,
+immediately the Adjutant has finished touching up his position, is to move
+the piece his eye has been piercing throughout the long period of his
+opponent's cautious deliberation. When the Colonel moves a piece he may be
+said to get there. All obstructions are ruthlessly swept aside with a
+callous indifference to Hague Conventions. Should a knight haply descend
+from the clouds and settle on the correct square it arrives more by luck
+than judgment. Tradition alleges that whenever the Colonel is called upon
+to move his king in the earlier stages of the game all lights are turned
+off from the neighbouring town in accordance with the Defence of the Realm
+Regulations. However true this may be--the responsibility rests on the
+Padre's capable shoulders--when his king is moved in the later stages the
+Colonel pushes it along by half-squares in a haphazard and preoccupied
+manner. He invariably fills his pipe when the end is in sight, but leaves
+it unlighted so that he may cover his ultimate defeat by a general
+demolition of matches.
+
+On this occasion the Adjutant skilfully snipes the Colonel's queen in the
+sixth move. The Colonel immediately retrieves the piece from the box, asks
+where it was before, examines it with the essence of loathing and revolt,
+removes it out of his sight, and refuses to take it back, although he had
+mistaken it for another piece. In retaliation he proceeds to concentrate
+all his effectives on his opponent's queen, and, after sacrificing the
+flower of his forces, drives the attack home and gains his objective with
+the greatest enthusiasm. He remarks that the capture was costly, but that
+honour is satisfied, and would the waiter kindly approach within ear-shot?
+
+While the Adjutant is working up his offensive on the Colonel's right
+flank, the Colonel himself is making independent sallies on the left,
+unless, of course, he is compelled to march his king out of a congested
+district into more open country. On the rare occasions when he is at a loss
+for a moment what to do he makes it a practice to move a pawn one square in
+order to gain time. By this method, unexpectedly but none the less
+jubilantly, he recovers his queen--only to see it laid low again by
+enfilading fire from a perfectly obvious redoubt.
+
+After twenty minutes of battle the Colonel's area becomes positively
+draughty, and the sole survivors of his dashing but sanguinary
+counter-attack, the king and two pawns, have assumed the bored and callous
+air of a remnant that has fought too long and is called upon to fight
+again. The Colonel has just unceremoniously pushed his sovereign to the
+rear with a flick of his nervous irritated little finger. His opponent can
+obviously bring him to his knees in two moves. Instead of which the
+Adjutant brazenly commences with massed bands and colours flying to execute
+a masterly tactical advance with the whole of his command--cavalry,
+infantry, church and tanks, in order to achieve the destruction of the two
+bantam bodyguards.
+
+This is not playing the game, and the Colonel fumes inwardly and frets
+outwardly. In the intervals of pressing down the unlit tobacco in his pipe
+with an oscillating thumb, he alternately pokes his king out of the corner
+and pulls it back again; while his transparent impulse is to scrap the
+board, wreck the ante-room and run amok. The Adjutant continues his
+innocent amusement until at last the pleasure wanes. The two heroic pawns
+are carried decently off, and he apologetically whispers his suspicions of
+a checkmate to his commanding officer.
+
+The Colonel brushes aside the Mess President's tinder-lighter, shatters the
+mute triumph of the serried black ranks of the hostile forces with one
+superb elevation of the eyebrows, smashes three matches in quick
+succession, and proves that all the time his mind has been preoccupied with
+weightier matters by saying after the manner of all true War Lords, "Umph."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tube Conductor_. "PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE! PASS
+FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE!! (_In desperation_) ANY LADY OR GENTLEMAN
+PRESENT KNOW THE GERMAN FOR 'PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sweetness and Light.
+
+  O MATTHEW ARNOLD! you were right:
+  We need  more  Sweetness  and more Light;
+  For till we break the brutal foe
+  Our sugar's short, our lights are low.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LUCID EXPLANATION.
+
+It was my task to collect from their relatives particulars as to the
+whereabouts of the wounded of our neighbourhood, for the purposes of our
+local report. It wanted five minutes to twelve, the sacred dinner-hour of
+the British artisan, and one name remained upon my list, against which was
+a pencilled note, "Reported returning home." Did that mean that he was
+disabled? And should I manage to gather the necessary information before
+the clock struck?
+
+I knocked at the door, which was opened by a woman wearing a canvas apron
+with a very tight string, her head surmounted by hair-curlers and a cloth
+cap.
+
+"Yes, thanking you kindly," she replied in answer to my question, "me son
+'_as_ been wounded. 'Eard of it from the War Office. This war's a shocking
+business."
+
+I expressed my sympathy and asked for particulars.
+
+"Yer see, he was at Gallipoli."
+
+"At Gallipoli? Then it must have been some time ago? I understood--"
+
+"It was this way. Me son, 'e ses to me, 'Mother,' 'e says, 'don't you
+worry, but I've had a toe took off.' 'E never was one to put up a great
+shout 'bout hisself, nor nothink of that. They took 'im down to their base
+'ospital. Leeharver's the name. Perhaps you know it?"
+
+I cast my mind over the Ægean Islands, from which Mudros sprang up very
+large, and everything else sank into oblivion. "I'm afraid I don't," I
+owned apologetically.
+
+"Thought perhaps you might. L-E first word, H-A-V-R-E second--Leeharver."
+
+"Oh-h, to be sure, Le Havre. I mean--yes, now you mention it, I think I
+have heard of it. And is your son still there?"
+
+Me son, 'e ses the vermin there was something shocking, and they spent all
+their spare time 'unting theirselves."
+
+"What? _not_ in the hospital? Oh, I see; you mean in the trenches."
+
+"And 'im," she continued, not noticing my remark, 'and 'im that partic'lar
+'bout 'is linen; couldn't use a 'andkerchief not unless it was spotless;
+must 'av a clean one every Sunday as reg'lar as the week come round. It do
+seem 'ard, don't it? They've pinched his sweater too. S'pose I shall 'av to
+get 'im another, s'pose I shall; but it's a job to know how to get along
+these times. And now margarine's up this week, that's the latest."
+
+"But your son," I ventured tentatively--"is his foot still bad?"
+
+"Oh, 'is _foot's_ right enough. It's 'is teeth that's the worry. 'E ses to
+me, 'Mother,' he ses, 'afore I can do any good I must 'ave me teeth seen
+to.' Oh, this fighting's cruel work!"
+
+Could he have been wounded in the jaw? The thought was horrible, but I
+remarked with affected cheerfulness, "Well, come, anyhow he is able to
+write."
+
+"Oh, 'e can _write_ right enough--got the prize at school for 'rithmatic,
+'e did."
+
+"Yes, but I mean if he is able to write he can't be so very bad."
+
+"Oh, 'e didn't _write_ that. That was August come a twelvemonth. The very
+first thing they done to him was to take out pretty near 'alf 'is teeth.
+The military authorities do pull you about something shocking."
+
+"And where did he go after Hav--after Leehar--I mean after the hospital?" I
+was getting rather bewildered.
+
+"Oh, 'e went to the War right enough; but 'is digestion's that bad. They
+said 'e'd feel a lot better once 'is teeth was was out, but 'e ses,
+'Mother,' 'e ses, 'you want a mouth full of teeth to eat this bullet beef
+what they give us.' Next thing was they set him to drive them machines."
+
+"What machines would those be?" I asked, groping for a little light.
+
+"Why, them motors as they use out there. 'E got meddling with one of 'em,
+and it was the nearest thing 'e didn't 'ave 'is 'and in a jelly; the
+machine didn't act proper, or somethink o' that."
+
+"And do you mean that his hand was injured?"
+
+"Not as I've 'eard on," came the prompt reply.
+
+"Well, but I thought you said your son _had_ been wounded."
+
+"Ah, yes, that was 'is toe, yer see; sent 'im down to the base 'ospital,
+Leeharver."
+
+"Yes, you told me that; but I heard he might be coming home. I was afraid
+perhaps he was disabled."
+
+"That's right. 'E's coming 'ome right enough. Ought to be 'ere in 'bout
+five minutes. 'Ope 'is dinner 'asn't spiled time I've stood 'ere talking to
+you."
+
+"Well, what _is_ the matter with him then?" I asked desperately.
+
+"Dunno there's anything partic'lar wrong with 'im. 'E's going to get
+married to-morrer, if that's what you mean. 'Ope it won't be the beginning
+of fresh troubles for 'im. But you never know what's coming next."
+
+I agreed that you never did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ELLO, WOT'S THE MATTER WITH 'IM?"
+
+"SHELL SHOCK, I RECKON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.
+
+III.
+
+Jerry, my lad,--We have lost a dear friend, and with him, alas, the piping
+days of peace. No, he is not dead, or even moribund, but his friendship for
+us lives no longer. His name is Feodor, and he is a Bulgar comitadjus, or
+whatever is the singular of "comitadji," and he lived until lately in No. 2
+Dugout, Hyde Park, just over the way.
+
+It is a moot point which delighted us the more, Feodor's charming manner or
+his exquisite trousers. These two characteristics were the more pleasing
+because of their perfect contrast; for whereas his manner was refined and
+retiring, his trousers were distinctly aggressive in their flaunting
+shameless redness.
+
+Feodor's appearances were at first spasmodic. This was only natural, seeing
+that he had not yet instilled into us his own attractive habit of _laisser
+aller_ and _laisser faire_, and that his red trousers offered such a
+beautiful mark.
+
+He would appear suddenly, smile seraphically towards us, and then disappear
+before our snipers could get on to him. At first of course we tried to pot
+him, but gradually our ferocity gave way to amazement and then to
+tolerance. At last came a day when Feodor climbed on to his parapet and
+made us a pretty little speech. We cheered him loudly, although we didn't
+understand much of it. Next day we brought down an interpreter and asked
+Feodor for an encore. His second performance was even more spirited than
+the first, and after a graceful vote of thanks to our benefactor we asked
+the interpreter to oblige.
+
+It appeared that from his boyhood Feodor had been apprenticed to an
+assistant piano-tuner in Varna. Rosy days of rapid promotion followed, and
+the boy, completely wrapped up in his profession, soon became a deputy
+assistant piano-tuner. Then followed the old, old story of vaulting
+ambition.
+
+The youth, his head turned by material success, sought to consolidate his
+social position by a marriage above his station, and dared to aspire to the
+hand of a full piano-tuner's daughter.
+
+The old man tried gentle dissuasion at first, but the obstinate pertinacity
+of the stripling made him gradually lose patience. He was a hale and hearty
+veteran, and when the situation came to a climax his method of dealing with
+it was stern and thorough.
+
+Seizing the hapless Feodor during an evening call he interned him in the
+vitals of a tuneless Baby Grand, and for three hours played on him CHOPIN'S
+polonaise in A flat major, with the loud pedal down. On his release Feodor
+had lost his reason and rushed to the nearest police-station to ask to be
+sent to the Front immediately. His object, he explained, was to end the
+War. The Bulgar authorities thought the plan worth trying and sent him off
+as a comitadjus; and to these circumstances we were indebted for his
+society.
+
+Every day we saw more and more of Feodor, and we grew to love him. As to
+sniping him now--the idea never entered our beads. Accordingly, while a
+deafening strafe proceeded daily on both sides of us, we remained in a
+state of idyllic peace and hatelessness.
+
+Then arrived the cruel day when the Brass Hats came round, and a large and
+important General asked us--
+
+"But are you being offensive enough to the enemy in front?"
+
+"Offensive to Feodor, Sir? Impossible!"
+
+"You _must_ be offensive," he rejoined. "I don't think there is sufficient
+hate in this part of the line."
+
+It was this unfortunate moment that Feodor chose to step on to his parapet
+and call out cheerfully to the Great Man--
+
+"Good morning, John_ee_!"
+
+For one tense moment I thought the General would burst. By an effort he
+pulled himself together, however, and shouted to my troops in a voice of
+thunder--
+
+"At That Person in front--fifteen rounds rapid. Fire!"
+
+We had to do it, of course, and, although I think most of our sights were a
+little high, accidents _will_ happen. Feodor emitted one unearthly shriek,
+and his time back towards home would, if it had been taken, make a world's
+championship record.
+
+I don't think he was physically hurt; but his poor trousers were badly
+punctured!...
+
+Our friend, Jerry, may not be lost, but he is certainly gone behind.
+
+  Yours always,
+  PETER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_who has been photographed for passport_). "THIS
+PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL. WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!"
+
+_Photographer_. "I'M VERY SORRY, LADY; BUT, YOU SEE, THE GOVERNMENT WON'T
+ALLOW US TO TOUCH UP ANY PASSPORT PHOTOS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "From the Pentland Firth to Norway, the eyes of the British Fleet are
+    those of Nunquam."--_Yorkshire Post_.
+
+We suppose old _Dormio_ is asleep as usual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The clergy will be pleased to hear of parishioners who are
+    sick.".--_Parish Magazine_.
+
+No doubt they mean it kindly, but it sounds rather callous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Holders of 15s. 6d. War Savings Certificates and scrip vouchers of the
+    War Loan are acceptable over the Post Office counter at their face
+    value."--_Daily News_.
+
+"'My face is my fortune, Sir,' she said."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Will anyone give 15/- and a kind home to a nice little brown miniature
+    poodle dog, 3 years, ideal pet and companion?"--_The Bazaar_.
+
+Sixpence more and the little pet could buy a War Savings Certificate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FATE OF UMBRELLAS.
+
+No. I.
+
+_From Arthur Vivian, Bury Street, St. James's, to Mrs. Morton, Dockington
+Hall, Bucks._
+
+DEAR MRS. MORTON,--Just a line to thank you very sincerely for my
+delightful visit. It was like old times to see you "all gathered together
+in hospitable Dockington and to find that the War, terrible as it is, has
+not altogether abolished pleasant human intercourse in England, in spite of
+what the Dean said. But then Deans are privileged persons.
+
+I am sorry to say, by the way, that in the hurry of departure this morning
+I took away the wrong umbrella and left my own. I am sending back the
+changeling with all proper apologies. Would you mind sending me mine? It
+has a crook handle (cane) and a plain silver band with my initials engraved
+on it. Please give my love to Harry and the children.
+
+  Yours always sincerely,
+  ARTHUR VIVIAN.
+
+
+No. II.
+
+_From the Dean of Marchester to Mrs. Morton._
+
+DEAR MRS. MORTON,--I desire to thank you for three most agreeable days
+spent in congenial company. You have indeed mastered the secret of making
+your guests feel at home, and Dockington even in war-time is still
+Dockington. Pray give my warm regards to Mr. Morton and remember me
+suitably to the dear children. I wish they wouldn't keep on growing up as
+they do; childhood is so delightful.
+
+I find to my great regret that by some inexplicable mistake I took away
+with me an umbrella that is not mine. I am sending it back to you, and
+shall be deeply beholden to you if you will pack up and send to me the one
+I left. It is an old one, recognisable by its cane handle (crook) and an
+indiarubber ring round the shaft. Pray accept my apologies for the trouble
+I am giving you.
+
+  Yours very sincerely,
+  CHARLES MELDEW.
+
+
+No. III.
+
+_From Brigadier-General Barton to his Sister, Mrs. Morton._
+
+DEAR MARY,--You gave me a capital time. There's a slight difference between
+Dockington and the trenches. I'm not as a rule a great performer with
+clergymen, but I liked your Dean. By the way, when I dashed off your man
+put somebody else's umbrella in with me, instead of my own, which is a
+natty specimen. The one I've got is an old gamp with a stout indiarubber
+ring to it. I haven't time to send it back. Every moment is taken up, as I
+cross to France to-night. Besides, how can you pack such a thing as an
+umbrella? It's much too long. Keep mine till we meet again. Best love to
+Harry and the kids.
+
+  Ever yours,
+  TOM.
+
+
+No. IV.
+
+_From Arthur Vivian to Mrs. Morton._
+
+DEAR MRS. MORTON,--I wired you this morning asking you to do nothing about
+my umbrella. The fact is I have found it at my rooms, and I am forced to
+the conclusion that I never took it with me to Dockington at all. I am
+awfully sorry to have given you all this trouble. It shall be a lesson to
+me never to take my umbrella anywhere, or rather never to think I've taken
+it, when, as a matter of fact, I haven't.
+
+  Yours always sincerely,
+  ARTHUR VIVIAN.
+
+
+No. V.
+
+_Telegram from Mrs. Morton to Arthur Vivian._
+
+ Too late. Sent off somebody's umbrella to you yesterday.
+Please return it to me.
+
+No. VI.
+
+_From Mrs. Morton to her Sister, Lady Compton._
+
+ ... We had a few friends at Dockington last week, not a real party, but
+just a few old shoes--Tom, Arthur Vivian and the Dean of Marchester and
+Mrs. Dean. Since they went away I've had the most awful time with their
+umbrellas. They all took away with them the wrong ones, and then wrote to
+me to send them their right ones. Arthur Vivian never brought one, and
+whose he took away I can't say. In fact I've been exposed to an avalanche
+of returning umbrellas, and Parkins has spent all his time in doing up the
+absurd things and posting them. He has just celebrated his seventieth
+birthday, and these umbrellas have ruined what's left of his temper.
+Umbrellas still keep pouring in, and nobody ever seems by any chance to get
+the right one. It's the most discouraging thing I've ever been involved in.
+As far as I can make out the Dean's umbrella is now in the trenches with
+Tom. If ever I have a party at Dockington again I shall write, "No
+umbrellas by request," on the invitations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INN O' THE SWORD.
+
+A SONG OF YOUTH AND WAR.
+
+  Roving along the King's highway
+    I met wi' a Romany black.
+  "Good day," says I; says he, "Good day,
+    And what may you have in your pack?"
+  "Why, a shirt," says I, "and a song or two
+    To make the road go faster."
+  He laughed: "Ye'll find or the day be through
+    There's more nor that, young master.
+      Oh, roving's good and youth is sweet
+        And love is its own reward;
+      But there's that shall stay your careless feet
+        When ye come to the Sign o' the Sword."
+
+  "Riddle me, riddlemaree," quoth I,
+    "Is a game that's ill to win,
+  And the day is o'er fair such tasks to try"--
+    Said he, "Ye shall know at the inn."
+  With that he suited his path to mine
+    And we   travelled merrily,
+  Till I was ware of the promised sign
+    And the door of an hostelry.
+      And the Romany sang, "To the very life
+        Ye shall pay for bed and board;
+      Will ye turn aside to the House of Strife?
+        Will ye lodge at the Inn o' the Sword?"
+
+  Then I looked at the inn 'twixt joy and fear,
+    And the Romany looked at me.
+  Said I, "We ha' come to a parting here
+    And I know not who you be."
+  But he only laughed as I smote on the door:
+    "Go, take ye the fighting chance;
+  Mayhap I once was a troubadour
+    In the knightly days of France.
+      Oh, the feast is set for those who dare
+        And the reddest o' wine outpoured;
+      And some sleep sound after peril and care
+        At the Hostelry of the Sword."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For our "National Lent"--the War Loan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Pet of the Platoon_. "I DIDN'T HALF TELL OFF OUR SERGEANT
+JUST NOW. I CALLED HIM A KNOCK-KNEED, PIGEON-TOED, SWIVEL-EYED MONKEY, AND
+SAID HE OUGHT TO GO TO A NIGHT-SCHOOL!"
+
+_Ecstatic Chorus_. "AND WHAT DID HE SAY?"
+
+_Bill_ (_after a pause_). "WELL, AS A MATTER OF FAC', I DON'T THINK HE
+QUITE HEARD ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+When the eminent in other branches of art take to literature, criticism
+must naturally be tempered with respect. This is much how I feel after
+reading Sir WILLIAM RICHMOND'S _The Silver Chain_ (PALMER AND HAYWARD).
+Probably, however, I should have enjoyed it more had not the publishers
+indulged in a wrapper-paragraph of such unbounded eulogy. If anybody is to
+call this novel "a work of great artistic achievement," and praise its
+"philosophy, psychology, delightful sense of humour, subtle analysis" and
+all the rest, I should prefer it to be someone less interested in the wares
+thus pushed. For my part I should be content to call _The Silver Chain_ by
+no means an uninteresting story, the work of a distinguished man, obviously
+an amateur in the craft of letters, who nevertheless has pleased himself
+(and will give pleasure to others) by working into it many pen-pictures of
+scenes in Egypt and Rome and Sicily, full of the glowing colour that we
+should expect from their artist-author. But the tale itself, the unrewarded
+love of the middle-aged "Philosopher" for the not specially attractive
+heroine _Mary_, and the subordinate very Byronic romance of _Herbert_ and
+_Annunziata_, quite frankly recalls those early manuscripts that most
+novelists must have burnt before they were quit of boyhood, or preserved to
+smile over. Still, in these winter days, when only Prime Ministers go to
+Rome (and then not to bask) and Luxor is equidistant with the moon, you may
+well find respite in a book so full of sunshine and memories of happy
+places; but I am bound to repeat my warning that your fellow-travellers
+will perhaps not be quite such stimulating society as the publishers would
+have you expect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir THEODORE COOK has already done sound work in dealing with German
+methods, and in _The Mark of the Beast_ (MURRAY) he pursues his labours a
+step further. So careful is he to give incontestable proofs for the charges
+he brings against the Huns that even the most anæmic neutrals must find a
+difficulty in reading this volume without recognising the truth. Especially
+he emphasizes the dangers of peace-making with an enemy whose whole policy
+and programme have been based on lies. And if he insists many times and
+again upon this point he has his excuse in the fact that some of us are so
+extraordinarily forgetful and forgiving that we cannot be reminded too
+often of what the future has in store for us if we do not now remember the
+past. With such an absolutely flawless case in his hands I find myself
+wishing sometimes that Sir THEODORE had been less prodigal of the
+denunciatory language which he hurls at Teutonic heads. Not for a moment
+would I suggest that the Hun does not deserve vituperation, but I am
+inclined to think that a less violent manner of attack is more effective.
+In his own way, however, Sir THEODORE is inimitable, and I can pay no
+higher praise to his book than to say that I know of no War-literature so
+admirably calculated to make BETHMANN-HOLLWEG ("more double than his name")
+really sorry for himself.
+
+The War has not been lacking in fine memorials of the dead. To what extent
+the Germans have commemorated the fallen I have no notion; but in France
+and Italy the papers constantly print tender and eloquent tributes, usually
+to the young. And in England we have the same thing too, touchingly,
+proudly and generously done. For the most part such tributes are mere
+records, but now and then they reconstruct; and the most remarkable example
+of such reconstruction--to the world at large, absolute creation--is the
+memoir of _Charles Lister_ (UNWIN), which his father, Lord RIBBLESDALE, and
+some devoted friends have, with perfect biographical tact, prepared. But
+for CHARLES LISTER'S untimely death, leading his men against the Turks in
+July, 1915, most of the letters in this book would never have been printed
+at all; for whatever his career might have become--and he was a man apart
+and bound for distinction--and however great a record were his, the early
+years could not be thus liberally illumined. But since death decreed that
+these early years--he was not quite twenty-eight when he was wounded for
+the third time and succumbed--should constitute all his career, we have
+this notable and beautiful book. If one had to put but a single epithet to
+it I should choose "radiant." At Eton, at Balliol, at the Embassies in Rome
+and Constantinople, and in the Army, CHARLES LISTER shed radiance. All his
+many friends testify to this. As for his letters, they are clear and gay
+and human; and they have also a sagacity that many older and more
+determined observers of life might envy; while that one to Lady DESBOROUGH
+upon the death of his great friend, JULIAN GRENFELL, is literature. Every
+page is interesting, but some are far more than that; and at the end one
+has almost too moving a concept of an ardent idealistic English gentleman
+met too late.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At first sight, perhaps, _Nothing Matters_ (CASSELL) may sound to you a
+somewhat, shall I say, transatlantic title for a book published in these
+days, when we are all learning how enormously everything matters. But this
+emotion will only last till you have read Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE'S
+disarming little preface. Personally, it left me regretting only one thing
+in the volume (or, to be more accurate, outside it), which was the design
+of its very unornamental wrapper--a lapse, surely, from taste, for which it
+would probably be quite unfair to blame the writer of what lies within.
+This is almost all of it excellent fooling, and includes a brace of longish
+short-stories (rather in the fantastic style of brother MAX); some fugitive
+pieces that you may recall as they flitted through the fields of
+journalism; with, for stiffening, a reprint of the author's admirable
+lecture upon "The Importance of Humour in Tragedy." This is a title that
+you may well take as a motto for the whole book. It will have, I think, a
+warm welcome from Sir HERBERT'S many friends and admirers, even should it
+turn out to be the case that some of his plots have been (in his own
+quaintly attractive phrase) "prophetically plagiarised" by other writers.
+Certainly this welcome will not be lessened by the knowledge that all
+profits from the sale of the volume are to go to support a cause that, to
+all who love the Stage, will be far indeed from not mattering--the fund to
+supplement the incomes of the wives and families of actors at the Front.
+You may regard it therefore as the lightest of comedies played, like so
+many others, in the cause of charity, and put down your money with an
+approving conscience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Let no one whose heart has been touched beyond mere vicarious pride in the
+achievement of our brothers-in-arms at the gate of Paris allow himself to
+miss the detailed narrative of HENRI DUGARD in _The Battle of Verdun_
+(HUTCHINSON). A good translation by F. APPLEBY HOLT, rather exceptional in
+these days of hurried conveyancing, does not detract from the vigour and
+movement of the story. We, who only saw the long agony through the medium
+of the always inadequate and discreet technicalities of the _communiqués_,
+could form no real impression of the kind of fighting or of the results of
+each phase of it. The author has collected the accounts or reports, so that
+the strokes and counter-strokes (for there was nothing passive in this
+siege) of the epic combats round Douamont, Fort Vaux, the Woevre,
+Malancourt, Avocourt and the Mort Homme are intelligibly reconstructed.
+Comment in the form of personal anecdotes of individual heroism is added.
+Perhaps the most illuminating touch is in the letter of poor Feldwebel KARL
+GARTNER, which was to have been despatched to his mother by a friend going
+on leave, so as to escape the Censor's eye. It began in a mood of
+robustious confidence and ended (or rather was interrupted by GARTNER'S
+capture) on the most despairing note. And this was seven months before the
+most brilliant counter-attack in the history of the War slammed the door
+once for all in the face of the enemy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Theatrical Manager_. "THIS WON'T DO, YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT A
+LAUGH--IT'S A YAWN!"
+
+_Poster Artist_. "WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE IN SUCH A HURRY FOR THE
+SKETCH THAT YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME TIME TO LET THE IMPRESSION OF THE PIECE
+WEAR OFF."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The scheme of utilising vacant spaces in London is being taken up
+    enthusiastically in the provinces."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+At the same time the scheme of utilising vacant spaces in the provinces is
+being welcomed with similar enthusiasm in London.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Vigorous complaints against the proposal to establish an overhead
+    electric system of tramways in Edinburgh were made this afternoon.
+
+    Lord Strathclyde declared that the overhead wires proposal had
+    electrified the citizens."--_Scottish Paper_.
+
+There must be something seriously wrong with the insulation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+152, January 24, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14093 ***
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+<body>
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14093 ***</div>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>January 24th, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page49"
+       id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>"They know nothing about the War in Greenland," said M.
+    DANGAARD IENSEN to a contemporary, and now the Intelligence
+    Department is wondering whether it didn't perhaps choose the
+    wrong colour after all for its tabs.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Governor of Greenland, giving evidence in the Prize
+    Court last week, was greatly interested to learn that there was
+    a well-known hymn, entitled "From Greenland's Icy Mountains."
+    He was, however, inclined to think that the unfortunate
+    reference to the rigorous nature of the climate would be
+    resented by the local Publicity Committee, to whose notice he
+    would feel it his duty to bring the matter when they were next
+    thawed out.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Lord DEVONPORT has established his own Press Bureau, and it
+    is rumoured that the Press Bureau is about to appoint its own
+    Food Controller.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The American Line has advanced its First-Class fares by
+    three pounds. It is hoped that this will effectually discourage
+    Mr. HENRY FORD from visiting Europe for some time to come.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>The Times Literary Supplement</i> has received 335 books
+    of original verse in 1916. And still the authorities pretend
+    that juvenile crime is confined to the East End.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A telegram despatched from London on January 22nd, 1906,
+    which contained a polling result of the General Election then
+    in progress, has just been received by a Witham resident, who
+    told the messenger there was no reply.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"If agriculture is to flourish," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>,
+    "it must be so conducted as to pay." It is just this sordid
+    commercialism that distorts the Carmelite point of view.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The German Union for the Development of the German Language
+    have sent a petition to the CHANCELLOR, asking that in any
+    future Peace negotiations the German language should be used.
+    Will German frightfulness never cease?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Anybody in the Carmarthen district," says the local medical
+    officer, "can keep a pig in the parlour if they keep it clean."
+    The necessity of keeping the parlour clean for the sake of its
+    guest will be easily understood by those who appreciate the
+    fastidious taste of the pig.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Hungarian paper complains that the Government treats the
+    War as if it were merely a family affair. This contrasts
+    unfavourably with the more broadly hospitable attitude of the
+    Allies, who have made it abundantly clear that so far as they
+    are concerned anyone is welcome to join in and help their
+    side.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The other day a Farnham bellringer, after cycling seventy
+    miles, rang a peal of 5,940 changes. It is not known why.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"War diet," says Professor ROSIN in the <i>Lokal
+    Anzeiger</i>, "improves the action of the heart." But what the
+    Germans really want to know is, what improves a war diet?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Among the goods stolen from a Crouch Hill provision
+    merchant's the other day were eight cheeses and ten hams. As
+    the place was much littered it is thought that the cheeses put
+    up a plucky fight.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is pointed out by experienced agriculturists that it is
+    useless to plant potatoes unless steps are taken to destroy the
+    insect pests. A Peterborough farmer has written a poem in
+    <i>The Daily Express</i> against those pests, but we fancy that
+    if a permanent improvement is to be effected it will be
+    necessary to adopt much sterner measures than this.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The recent vagaries of the Weather Controller are said to be
+    due to one of the new railway regulations, by which you are
+    required to "Show all seasons, please."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Even Nature seems upset by the War. According to <i>The
+    Evening Standard</i> primroses are blooming in a Harrow garden,
+    while only the other day a pair of white spats were to be seen
+    in the Strand.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/49.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/49s.png"
+             alt="NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR BROTHER, MAUD." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Anxious Mother.</i> "NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR BROTHER,
+        MAUD. 'OLD THE UMBRELLER OVER THE SUGAR!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>Another Glimpse of the Obvious.</h2>
+
+    <p>From the "Standing Orders" of a Military
+    Hospital:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Officers confined to their beds will have their meals in
+        their rooms."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A gale of great fury raged at Sheffield early on Tuesday
+        morning. Much damage was done in the city and outlying
+        districts, a number of beings being
+        unroofed."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Several others have been noticed to have a tile loose.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The welcome, amounting to an oration, which heralded the
+        Prime Minister, was the most remarkable feature of a very
+        remarkable occasion."&mdash;<i>Daily Dispatch.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Is this quite kind to the subsequent speakers?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "By his colleagues at Bar he has been regarded as a sound
+        lawyer, well worthy of the high position which he had
+        filled for little over two hundred
+        years."&mdash;<i>Englishman</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Lord HALSBURY must look to his laurels.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Mr. Clement Wragge has prepared a special weather forecast
+        for the year 9117. His opinion is that the year will prove
+        distinctly good."&mdash;<i>New Zealand Times.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We infer that, in Mr. WRAGGE's opinion, the War will be over
+    by then.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3>The Minimum.</h3>
+
+    <p>Extract from a letter just received from H.Q. in
+    France:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "C.O.'s will take care that all ranks know that they must
+        never parade before an Officer&mdash;Brigade, Regimental or
+        Company&mdash;unless properly dressed, wearing at least a
+        belt."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The few women on the platform were dressed quietly, as
+        befitted the occasion, the smartest person present being
+        Mr. McKenna."&mdash;<i>Illustrated Sunday Herald.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Our contemporary might have told us what he wore.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page50"
+       id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE GOLFER'S PROTEST.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Among the shocks that laid us flat</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When WILLIAM loosed his wanton hordes</p>
+
+            <p>There fell no bloodier blow than that</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which turned our niblicks into
+            swords;</p>
+
+            <p>And O how bitter England's cup,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In what despair the order sunk her</p>
+
+            <p>That called her Cincinnati up</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When busy ploughing in the bunker!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Even with those who stuck it out,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bravely defying public shame,</p>
+
+            <p>Visions of trenches knocked about</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would often spoil their usual game;</p>
+
+            <p>Rumours of victory dearly bought,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or else of bad strategic hitches,</p>
+
+            <p>Disturbed their concentrated thought</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And put them off their mashie
+            pitches.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now comes a menace yet more rude</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That puts us even further off;</p>
+
+            <p>It says the nation's need of food</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Must come before the claims of golf;</p>
+
+            <p>We hear of parties going round,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Aided by local War-Committees,</p>
+
+            <p>To violate our sacred ground</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By planting veg. along our
+            "pretties."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>If there be truth in that report,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Then have we reached the limit,
+            viz.:&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>The ruin of that manly sport</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which made our country what it is;</p>
+
+            <p>The ravages we soon restore</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By conies wrought or hoofs of mutton,</p>
+
+            <p>But centuries must pass before</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A turnip-patch is fit to putt on.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What! Shall we sacrifice the scenes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On which our higher natures thrive</p>
+
+            <p>Just to provide the vulgar means</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To keep our lower selves alive?</p>
+
+            <p>Better to starve (or, better still,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Up hands and kiss the Hun
+            peace-makers)</p>
+
+            <p>Than suffer PROTHERO to till</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The British golfer's holy acres.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">O.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>PERSONAL PARS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT.</h2>(<i>With
+    acknowledgments to some of our chatty contemporaries</i>.)
+
+    <p>HAPPY C.-IN-C.&mdash;I saw the Commander-in-Chief to-day
+    passing through the little village of X in an open car. He was
+    very quietly dressed in khaki, with touches of scarlet on the
+    hat and by the collar. I waved my hand to him and he returned
+    the salute. It is small acts like this which endear him to all.
+    I noticed that the Field-Marshal was not carrying his baton.
+    Doubtless he did not wish to spoil its pristine freshness with
+    the mud of the roads.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>OF COURSE.&mdash;A friend in the Guards tells me that the
+    new food restrictions do not affect the men in the trenches
+    very seriously. Our brave soldiers are so inured to hardships
+    by now that they willingly forgo seven-course dinners.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>NOT STARVING.&mdash;While on the subject of food, the
+    picture published on page 6 of to-day's issue refutes the idea
+    that the Hun is starving. It represents the KAISER looking at
+    some pigs. The KAISER can be distinguished by a x.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>FASHIONS FOR MEN.&mdash;Now that mid-winter is with us it is
+    quite a common event to meet fur-clad denizens of the firing
+    line. Some of the new season's coats are the last word in chic,
+    one which I noticed yesterday made of black goat, having
+    pockets of seal coney with collar and cuffs of civet. The
+    wearer's feet were encased in the latest style of gum boots,
+    reaching to the thigh and fastening with a buckle. These are
+    being worn loose round the ankle. A green steel helmet, draped
+    in sandbag material, completed the costume. The field service
+    cap was not being worn inside the helmet.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>NUMBER NINE.&mdash;The Army doctors, so it seems, do not
+    fully understand the delicate constitution of a friend of mine
+    in the Blues, and sent him back to duty after dosing him with
+    medicine, though he is suffering from pain in the foot. The
+    medicine generally takes the form of a "Number Nine," the pill
+    that cures all ills; but last time he went on sick parade they
+    were out of stock, and he was given two "Number Fours" and a
+    "Number One" instead. Rough-and-ready pharmacy. What?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>SPIRITED.&mdash;Met my old chum, Sir William &mdash;&mdash;,
+    just back from the trenches. Dear old Billy, what cigars he
+    used to smoke in the good old days! He tells me that when on a
+    carrying fatigue the other night one of his men dropped the
+    earthenware receptacle which contains Tommy's greatest
+    consolation in this terrible war, and every drop of the
+    precious liquid was spilt. Five minutes later a Jack Johnson
+    landed beside him and put things right. <i>It gave him a rum
+    jar</i>. Good, eh?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>WHERE TO LUNCH.&mdash;I am just off to lunch with my old
+    pal, the Hon. Adolphus Lawrie-Carr, of the Motor Transport
+    Section of the A.S.C. I have never seen him look better than he
+    does now, in hunting stock and field boots, crop and spurs. He
+    always gives one a first-class meal.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>THE NEXT PUSH.&mdash;I had a most interesting conversation
+    the other day with Alphonse, late of the Saveloy. He is on the
+    G.H.Q. Staff in a position of high trust&mdash;something to do
+    with the culinary arrangements, I believe&mdash;and is, of
+    course, in the know. From what he told me confidentially I can
+    assure all my countless readers that there will be fighting on
+    the Western Front during 1917, and, in the words of Mr. Hilary
+    Bullox, "If it is not prolonged until next year, the present
+    year will certainly see the end of the War." More I cannot
+    divulge.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3>Our Cautious Contemporaries.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "What can be said with truth is that business in the New
+        Loan for the first two days is easily AZ per cent. better
+        for new money than for the same period on the occasion of
+        the last loan."&mdash;<i>Evening Standard</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"ANCIENT ORDER OF HIBERNIANS.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        State President Fee has requisitioned a large supply of
+        stationery; he announces that he will at once begin an
+        active canvas of the State to revive old divisions and
+        organize new ones."&mdash;<i>Texas Newspaper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Just as if he were at home in dear old Ireland.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Athens, Wednesday.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        The ex-Premiers who were consulted yesterday by the iKng,
+        were unanimously of opinion that the Entente Note was not
+        yesterday by the King were unanimously as its acceptance
+        would imply that Greece contemplated an attack on General
+        Sarrail's rear."&mdash;<i>Continental Daily Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Yet there are some people who complain that the situation in
+    Greece is not entirely clear.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page51"
+       id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/51.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/51s.png"
+             alt="THE APPLE OF DISCORD." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE APPLE OF DISCORD.</h3>
+
+        <p>AUSTRIA. "WHERE DID YOU GET
+        THAT?"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;GERMANY. "SPOILS OF
+        ROUMANIA."</p>
+
+        <p>AUSTRIA. "WELL, IF IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH TO SPLIT YOU
+        MIGHT LET US HAVE THE
+        CORE."&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;GERMANY. "'THERE AIN'T GOING
+        TO BE NO CORE.'"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page52"
+       id="page52"></a>[pg 52]</span>
+
+    <h2>A WAY NOT TO PAY OLD DEBTS.</h2>
+
+    <p>"Hullo, old thing!" said Herbert gloomily; "lots of
+    Congrats. Lucky devil, you," and he sighed unobtrusively.</p>
+
+    <p>I had forgotten that once upon a time Adela had refused to
+    walk out with Herbert because of his puttees, which she said
+    were so original that they distracted her attention from the
+    way he proposed.</p>
+
+    <p>Remembering this now, I offered my cousin a sympathetic
+    cigarette, which he, shaking himself free from care, accepted;
+    after which he began to borrow ten pounds&mdash;an achievement
+    which, I am proud to say, cost him nearly twenty minutes' hard
+    labour.</p>
+
+    <p>Not so very long afterwards Adela and I had a honeymoon,
+    followed by a picture-postcard from Herbert. He said he was
+    sorry he hadn't been there to throw boots at us, but he was
+    convalescing on the Cornish Riviera, the exact spot being
+    marked with a cross; also one could not send money by postcard,
+    but I was not to think he was forgetting about that fiver he
+    had borrowed.</p>
+
+    <p>The first part of this document caused Adela to wonder
+    vaguely if wounded officers ought to convalesce in
+    chimney-pots, but the last words gave me some twinges of a more
+    sincere alarm. Was Herbert's delusion a permanency, or merely a
+    slip of the pen?</p>
+
+    <p>"Adela," I decided, "let's ask Herbert to dinner as soon as
+    ever he leaves the roofs of the British Riviera."</p>
+
+    <p>Then one day, when I was writing letters in the Mess, he
+    strolled in. "Hullo!" he said, "where's the C.O.? What?... Oh,
+    thanks awfully, and ... Oh, I say, good Lord! I owe you three
+    quid, don't I?" and he drifted out abstractedly.</p>
+
+    <p>"Three!" I echoed dizzily, as the door banged. I staggered
+    home for the week-end.</p>
+
+    <p>I found Adela having an excited conversation with the
+    telephone in the hall.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ooo!" she said, hanging up the receiver, "Herbert's a hero.
+    He's just been telling me. And he's coming to dinner
+    to-night."</p>
+
+    <p>"I also," I responded with emotion, "have a tale to unfold,"
+    and I unfolded it.</p>
+
+    <p>When at last Herbert, moving modestly under the burden of a
+    newly acquired D.S.O., arrived at the flat, hospitality and an
+    unaccustomed awe withheld me from referring to so sordid a
+    matter as the inconsiderable decrease in my lately-invested
+    capital. Herbert, however, deprecated heroics, and, as he was
+    saying good-night, came of his own accord to the subject of
+    debts. He was always a conscientious fellow.</p>
+
+    <p>"You know, old chap," he said with charming candour, as I
+    saw him off from the doorstep, "you <i>must</i> remind me to
+    pay up that two quid some time. I keep forgetting, and when I
+    do remember, like now, I haven't any money to do it with.
+    Cheero!" The door clicked and I swooned.</p>
+
+    <p>It was very difficult; I could not even make up my mind
+    whether my best policy was to stalk Herbert with vigilance or
+    to avoid him as persistently as discipline allowed. On the one
+    hand he wasn't the cheque-book kind of man and he wouldn't pay
+    me unless he saw me. Contrariwise, he wouldn't even if he did,
+    and whenever he saw me my original loan of ten gold sovereigns
+    might continue its rapid decline. Finally I decided to abstain
+    from his society.</p>
+
+    <p>Shortly after this momentous decision the War Office sent
+    him off to some remote part of the country, and for many months
+    our financial relations remained unaltered&mdash;at any rate in
+    my own estimation. He was still far away when Adela II arrived,
+    so we did our best to hush her up; we thought that if we could
+    smuggle her to, say, the age of ten and send her to school
+    Herbert couldn't possibly come and congratulate us about her.
+    That only shows how much we didn't know; for Herbert procured
+    some leave three weeks later and was excitedly mounting our
+    stairs within a few hours.</p>
+
+    <p>"P'r'aps," whispered Adela bravely as he was being
+    announced, "he'll forget about money&mdash;p'r'aps he'll even
+    put it up a bit."</p>
+
+    <p>I smiled cynically, and was justified ten minutes later,
+    when Herbert's conscience, troubled and apologetic, reminded
+    him about that guinea he owed me.</p>
+
+    <p>At the christening it fell to half-a-quid, and, according to
+    Herbert's latest allegation, it is only his rotten memory for
+    postal-orders that prevents him from sending me that dollar at
+    once.</p>
+
+    <p>And so, precariously, the matter rested till to-day, when
+    the final blow fell from the War Office. Herbert and I are to
+    proceed to France together next Monday. On that day, if I am
+    ingenious and agile enough not to meet him before, we ought to
+    be about all square; after that, as far as I can see, there
+    will be an inevitable moment when Herbert will turn to me with,
+    "I say, old fellow, you can't let me have that ten bob you
+    touched me for the other day, can you? Hate to ask you, but I
+    haven't got a sou ..." But I won't&mdash;no, I won't. I will
+    let my imaginary debt mount up, I will let it increase even at
+    the rate at which Herbert's has decreased, but I will not pay
+    it. Herbert, of course, will always be kind to me about it, for
+    he is a generous creature; and every time we go into action he
+    will probably wring my hand and beg me not to worry about it
+    any more.</p>
+
+    <p>"Old man," he will be saying on the twenty-ninth occasion,
+    "if I got done in, promise you won't bother about that thousand
+    pounds you owe me&mdash;remember you're to think of it as
+    paid."</p>
+
+    <p>I shall remember all right.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/52.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/52s.png"
+             alt="HERE! JUST GRAB THE OOJAH AN' DASH ROUND" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>N.C.O.</i> "HERE! JUST GRAB THE OOJAH AN' DASH ROUND
+        TO THE TIDDLEY-OM-POM FOR SOME UMPTY-POO!"</p>
+
+        <p>Private (ex-professor of languages) learns later that he
+        was expected to fetch a bucket of coke from the stores.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "In a corn and meal merchant's shop, where two or three
+        cats are kept for business purposes, the cats maybe seen
+        feeding at will from the open
+        sacks."&mdash;<i>Spectator</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This lapse on pussy's part goes rather against the
+    grain.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page53"
+       id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/53.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/53s.png"
+             alt="MUCH OFF, SIR?" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Barber</i>. "MUCH OFF,
+        SIR?"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>War Economist</i>.
+        "DURATION OF WAR."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>POLITICAL NOTES.</h2>
+
+    <h3>BY OUR OWN PAIR OF LYNX.</h3>
+
+    <p>There is unfortunately no truth in the rumour that, in order
+    to provide billets for 5,000 new typists, and incidentally to
+    win the War, the Government has commandeered the Houses of
+    Parliament.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The problem of the housing of the traveller-classes when all
+    the hotels of London have been taken over by the Government is
+    now occupying both the waking and sleeping hours (such as they
+    are) of the War Cabinet, and a special department of the
+    Intelligence Department has been created to deal with it on the
+    roof of No. 10 Downing Street. It has not yet been decided
+    whether all visitors to London should be sent back as soon as
+    they arrive, or whether Sir JOSEPH LYONS should reap the sole
+    benefit of their sojourn.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Although the proprietors of the Hotel des Ambassadeurs,
+    Ealing, and the Grand Hotel Riche, Mile End, have offered the
+    Government their premises, on the most advantageous terms to
+    themselves, no arrangement has yet been effected.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A deputation of officials recently visited the Zoo and made
+    a number of measurements, but no decision has yet been reached
+    as to whether or no it will be taken over for Government
+    work.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>There is absolutely no truth in the statement, circulated by
+    some wholly frivolous or malicious person, that any of the
+    theatres or music-halls are to be closed during the War in
+    order to make space for workers.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is rumoured that Mr. EDWARD MARSH may very shortly take
+    up his duties as Minister of Poetry and the Fine Arts. Mr.
+    MARSH has not yet decided whether he will appoint Mr. ASQUITH
+    or Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL as his private secretary.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Meanwhile a full list of the private secretaries of the new
+    private secretaries of the members of the new Government may at
+    any moment be disclosed to a long-suffering public.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The latest Captain of Commerce to be diverted from his own
+    business for the benefit of his country is the head of the
+    great curl industry. He will have one on his sleeve, being
+    given commissioned rank in the Navy, and his special duty will
+    be the control of the waves of the Channel.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>At the invitation of the PREMIER, whose summons came to him
+    just as he was entering his car bound for Pall Mall, Mr. HARVEY
+    TATE has agreed to accept the portfolio of the Ministry of Road
+    Traffic. Mr. TATE'S long experience as a motorist and
+    familiarity with all the difficulties of motoring qualify him
+    peculiarly for this post. One of his first tasks will be to
+    inquire fully into the charges against the taxi varlet.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In spite of all rumours to the contrary, Lord NORTHCLIFFE
+    will remain outside the new Government, but his interest in it
+    is, at present, friendly. It is very well understood, however,
+    that everyone must behave; for his Lordship, in one of his rare
+    intervals of expansion, has been heard to remark that there are
+    as good fish in the sea as ever came out of it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Bishop of Winchester proposes to cultivate the park
+        round big Palace at Fulham."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>Bristol Times and Mirror</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The Bishop of LONDON will, no doubt, return the compliment
+    at Farnham.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page54"
+       id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span>
+
+    <h2>WARS OF THE PAST.</h2>
+
+    <h3>(<i>As recorded in the Press of the period.</i>)</h3>
+
+    <h3>VII.</h3>
+
+    <h3><i>From "Tempora" (Rome).</i></h3>
+
+    <p>Admittedly, the peril is extreme. Crustumerium has fallen,
+    and also Ostia. However, Janiculum, the key to the whole outer
+    system of the City's defences, still stands, and there is
+    accordingly no immediate cause for dismay. But we are strongly
+    of the opinion&mdash;so rapid has been LARS PORSENA'S advance
+    hitherto&mdash;that the bridge over the Tiber should be at once
+    destroyed as a precautionary measure while there is yet time.
+    We have every confidence in the continued capacity for
+    resistance of the strong garrison at Janiculum, but it is
+    necessary to be prepared for every eventuality; and if the
+    fortress <i>should</i> fall without the bridge being demolished
+    the latter would inevitably be seized by the enemy, and the
+    Tiber, our last line of defence, would be lost to us.</p>
+
+    <p>For the rest, the spirit of the people is excellent. It has
+    become almost a truism to say that nowadays none is for a
+    party, but all are for the State. Rich and poor have learned to
+    help and respect each other. Indeed, in these brave days
+    Romans, in Rome's quarrel, have poured out blood and treasure
+    unsparingly for the common cause. We are like a nation of
+    brothers.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>Placard of "Hesperus" (Special Phosphorus
+    Edition)</i>:&mdash;</h3>
+
+    <h3>FALL</h3>
+
+    <h3>OF</h3>
+
+    <h3>JANICULUM.</h3>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>From "Hesperus" (Noon Edition).</i></h3>
+
+    <h3>SWIFT ADVANCE OF THE ENEMY.</h3>
+
+    <h3>WAR COUNCIL MEETS.</h3>
+
+    <h3>HORATIUS TO HOLD BRIDGE-HEAD.</h3>
+
+    <h3>CAN THE BRIDGE BE DESTROYED IN TIME?</h3>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>The Secretary to the Senate announces</i>:</h3>
+
+    <p>"The War Council met at the River Gate immediately on
+    receipt of the news of the fall of Janiculum. It was decided to
+    accept the offer of Port-Captain HORATIUS (S.P.Q.R.'s Own),
+    SPURIUS LARTIUS (Ramnian Regt.), and HERMINIUS ("Titian
+    Toughs"), who gallantly volunteered to hold the bridge-head in
+    order to give time for the bridge itself to be destroyed. All
+    hope of saving the town should not therefore be abandoned."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>From our Special Correspondent.</i></h3>
+
+    <p>I have just returned from the River Gate, where I was, I
+    believe, the first to applaud one of the Patres Conscripti
+    (commanding the Axe-and-Crowbar Volunteers), who set a fine
+    example by actually starting on the demolition of the bridge
+    himself. Already you could see the Tuscan hordes in the swarthy
+    dust that shrouded the Western horizon. I was myself in a
+    position to pick out ASTUR, who was girt with the brand which
+    (I am informed by a high authority) none but he can wield.
+    There is no need to describe to you the firmament-rending yell
+    that rose when the presence of the false and shameful SEXTUS
+    was officially notified. One saw women who hissed and even
+    expectorated in his direction, and more than one child, I
+    noticed, shook its small fist at him with splendid
+    spirit....</p>
+
+    <p>I am told that HORATIUS spoke out pretty plainly to the
+    Senate, expressing the opinion that three men could easily hold
+    the bridge-head. The gallant officer, interviewed while he was
+    in the act of tightening his harness, declined to say much,
+    merely expressing the opinion that everyone has got to die some
+    time and that there was, after all, some satisfaction in being
+    killed in a fight against odds. I confess I was favourably
+    impressed by the very nonchalance of his attitude.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>Stop Press News.</i></h3>
+
+    <h3>LARTIUS BEAT AUNUS. HERMINIUS BEAT SEIUS. HORATIUS BEAT
+    PICUS.</h3>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>From "Hesperus" (Fourth Edition).</i></h3>
+
+    <h3>BRIDGE-HEAD STILL HELD.</h3>
+
+    <h3>DEATH OF ASTUR.</h3>
+
+    <h3>UNFORTUNATE MISHAP TO A LICTOR.</h3>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>The Secretary to the Senate announces</i>:</h3>
+
+    <p>"Latest advices show that HORATIUS has despatched ASTUR,
+    and, though slightly wounded in this encounter, has been able
+    to keep his place in the line. The bridge head is still being
+    held and there is now a pause in the fighting. The total enemy
+    casualties up to the present are estimated at: <i>Killed</i>,
+    7; <i>Wounded</i>, 0; <i>Missing</i>, 0. Our own casualties
+    are: <i>Killed</i>, 0; <i>Wounded</i>, 1; <i>Missing</i>, 0. A
+    regrettable incident took place during the demolition of the
+    bridge, a Lictor having sliced himself with one of his own axes
+    and being compelled to relinquish his valuable labours."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3>(<i>Stop-Press News</i>.)</h3>
+
+    <h3>HORATIUS CUT OFF.</h3>
+
+    <p>The bridge has been successfully destroyed shortly after the
+    skilful withdrawal of LARTIUS and HERMINIUS in the face of the
+    enemy. We greatly regret to add that HORATIUS is missing, I
+    having failed to make good his retreat with his comrades, and
+    must be regarded as lost.&mdash;(<i>Official</i>.)</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>From "Hesperus" (Special Home Edition).</i></h3>
+
+    <h3>HORATIUS SAFE.</h3>
+
+    <h3>HOW HE SWAM THE RIVER.</h3>
+
+    <h3>(<i>By our Special Correspondent.</i>)</h3>
+
+    <p>HORATIUS, the only one of the "dauntless three" (as they
+    have been already named) about whose safety doubts were
+    entertained, has swum the river and is safe. I saw him, when
+    the bridge fell, standing alone, but obviously with all his
+    wits about him, despite the ninety thousand foes before and the
+    broad flood behind. When he turned round he might have seen, I
+    believe, from where he was standing (just where, on other
+    occasions, I have stood myself) the white porch of his home.
+    His lips parted as if in prayer. The next moment, pausing only
+    to sheathe his ensanguined sword, he took a graceful dive into
+    the river.</p>
+
+    <p>Some moments of terrible tension ensued. When at last his
+    head appeared above the surges, a cry of indescribable rapture
+    went up, and I am happy to place on record the fact that I
+    distinctly detected a note of generous cheering from the Tuscan
+    ranks.</p>
+
+    <p>But all was not yet over. The current ran fiercely, swollen
+    high by months of rain. Often I thought him sinking&mdash;and
+    indeed nearly sent in a message to that effect&mdash;but still
+    again he rose. Never, I think, did any swimmer in like
+    circumstances perform such a remarkable feat of natation. But
+    at length he felt the bottom, was helped ashore by myself and
+    the Senate, and was carried shoulder-high through the River
+    Gate. I understand that some special recognition is to be made
+    of his splendid feat.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3><i>From "Rome Chat."</i></h3>
+
+    <p>Our frontispiece this week is a family group of brave
+    Captain HORATIUS, together with the tender mother who
+    (formerly) dandled him to rest, and his wife, who, it will be
+    noticed, is nursing his youngest baby. We are glad to hear
+    that, in conformity with the principle of settling our gallant
+    soldiers on the land, a goodly tract is to be given to this
+    popular hero. The story of how he held the bridge-head will
+    certainly afford a stirring tale for the home-circle for a long
+    time to come.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page55"
+       id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/55.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/55s.png"
+             alt="LUMME! THIS IS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, I DON'T THINK." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p>"LUMME! THIS IS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, I DON'T THINK. ME
+        A-VOLUNTEERIN' FOR INFANTRY, GOIN' RIGHT THROUGH ME
+        TRAININ', AN' NAH THEY MAKES A BLOOMIN' LANCER OF ME!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>'EAD-WORK.</h3>
+
+    <p>Bob Winter is our local carrier. His old grey mare
+    Molly&mdash;or a predecessor very like her, driven by Bob's
+    father before him&mdash;has jogged into town on market days as
+    long as anyone in the village can remember. The weather-beaten,
+    oft-patched tilt of Bob's cart must have heard in its day
+    generations of village gossip, and a mere inspection of the
+    cargo on the flap which lets down at the back will provide
+    quite an amount of interesting information, such as "whose new
+    housemaid's tin trunk be a-goin' to station already, lookee,
+    and who be a-getten a new tyre to ees bicycle&mdash;see."</p>
+
+    <p>Now, however, there is a likelihood that Bob may be called
+    up; and the fate of the carrying business hangs in the
+    balance.</p>
+
+    <p>"Never mind, Bob," I said (I had overtaken him and old Molly
+    sauntering up the steep hill above the village); "if it comes
+    to that, you know, the women-folk will have to take turns at
+    the carrying while you are away. I believe I should make rather
+    a good carrier."</p>
+
+    <p>Bob shook his head and looked evasive.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, Miss," he said, "'twuddn' do, 'twuddn' do at all."</p>
+
+    <p>"Come," I said, "you don't mean to say Molly would be too
+    much for me?"</p>
+
+    <p>"No, Miss, 'tain't Molly, but&mdash;well, 'tain't no job for
+    a lady, ain't the carryin'; leastways, not to my way o'
+    thinkin'."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, but I should get the people at the shops to help me
+    with the heavy things."</p>
+
+    <p>Bob cleared his throat loudly and looked more uncomfortable
+    still. Then at last he decided to take the plunge.</p>
+
+    <p>"'Tain't the liftin' that do be troublin' I, Miss," he said
+    confidentially, "'tis the 'ead-work. I don't believe there be a
+    wumman livin' could do it. There be a tur'ble lot of 'ead-work
+    in the carryin' business. Why, I do
+    think&mdash;think&mdash;think mornen till night, till what wi'
+    one thing an' what wi' another thing I'm sure there's times
+    when I don't know if I be on my 'ead or my 'eels. Why, I've
+    seen the time when I've a-comed in and I've a-set down and I've
+    a-said to Missis, 'No, Missis, I don't want no tea; I don't
+    want nothen only to set quiet, for I be just about tired out
+    with that there thinkin'.'</p>
+
+    <p>"There be such a sight o' things you do have to remember,
+    lookee. What wi' the grocer, an' what wi' the draper, an'
+    folks's parcels to leave an' folks's parcels to call for, an'
+    picken up here an' setten down there&mdash;well, a woman's
+    brain ain't strong enough for it, leastways not to my way o'
+    thinkin'....</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, now, if I ain't a-gone an' forgot to call at old Mrs.
+    Pettigrew's for her subscription for to get made up at the
+    chemist's! There, now, Miss, don't that just show how you do
+    'ave to kip on thinkin' all the time, else you be just about
+    sure to forget somethin' or another? Oh yes, there be a
+    smartish lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business, an' no
+    mistake!"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>An Enviable Post.</h4>
+
+    <p>From a list of the new Government:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Chancellor of the Ducky of Lancaster: Sir Frederick
+        Cawley."&mdash;<i>Star</i> (<i>Johannesburg</i>).
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Man, to drive horse and make himself generally useful in
+        nursery."&mdash;<i>Provincial Press</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>No doubt a rocking-horse.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From a New Zealand diocesan magazine:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Owing to the continued illness of the Vicar, which we
+        trust is reaching its last stage, the services of the
+        Church have been conducted by the following," etc.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The Vicar, we understand, thinks this might have been more
+    tactfully worded.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page56"
+       id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/56.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/56s.png"
+             alt="OH, ALL RIGHT. DON'T KEEP 'OLLERIN' AT ME ABOUT THE WAR AND THE GOVER'MENT!" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Long-suffering Wife</i> (<i>to amateur
+        politician</i>). "OH, ALL RIGHT. DON'T KEEP 'OLLERIN' AT ME
+        ABOUT THE WAR AND THE GOVER'MENT! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
+        TALKING TO&mdash;LORD DEVUMPORK?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE PURIFIED PRUSSIAN.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [Writing in <i>Die Woche</i> a well-known Baroness, a
+        leader of Berlin society, discusses the transformation and
+        purification of Berlin conviviality by the War. Social
+        functions accompanied by eating have altogether ceased and
+        given way to more refined gatherings&mdash;&aelig;sthetic
+        afternoon teas and elegant evening parties&mdash;at which
+        the conversation reaches heights of brilliancy unheard of
+        in the old carnivorous days. Unhappily snobbery still
+        prevails, "every class pretending to be richer and better
+        than they are&mdash;small officials, officers, landowners,
+        all pretending to be millionaires, and doing their
+        pretension shabbily."]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>One of the leading Prussian social stars</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Opines that War, although it makes for
+            leanness,</p>
+
+            <p>Not only banishes discordant jars</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And purifies Berlin of all
+            uncleanness,</p>
+
+            <p>But places her, beatified by Mars,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Upon a pinnacle of mental keenness,</p>
+
+            <p>Changing the cult of trencher and of bowl</p>
+
+            <p>To feasts of reason and o'erflows of soul.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The gross carnivorous orgies of the past</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Have gone, and in their place is
+            something finer;</p>
+
+            <p>Emotions of a transcendental cast</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Preoccupy the luncher and the diner;</p>
+
+            <p>The Hun, in short, by being forced to fast,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Has grown ethereal, more alert,
+            diviner;</p>
+
+            <p>And, purged of all incentive to frivolity,</p>
+
+            <p>His speech has almost lost its guttural quality.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>His talk, of old to stodginess inclined,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Now sparkles with consistent
+            coruscation,</p>
+
+            <p>Attaining heights of mirth and wit combined</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Unknown to any previous generation,</p>
+
+            <p>But always exquisitely pure, refined</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And spiritual, as befits the nation</p>
+
+            <p>In which the nicer touch was never missing</p>
+
+            <p>Down from great FREDERICK to blameless BISSING.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis easy, though the writer does not tell,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To guess the themes which prompt the
+            brightest sallies;</p>
+
+            <p>Louvain; the <i>Lusitania</i>; Nurse
+            CAVELL&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With these Hun wit most delicately
+            dallies;</p>
+
+            <p>The wreck of Reims; the Prussic acid shell;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The desolation of Armenia's valleys;</p>
+
+            <p>The toll of Belgian infants slain ere
+            birth&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>All these excite Berlin's ecstatic mirth.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And yet a slight <i>amari aliquid</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is mingled with this lady's honeyed
+            phrases;</p>
+
+            <p>Berlin society is not yet rid</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of one of its less admirable phases;</p>
+
+            <p>There is, in other words, one fly amid</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The precious ointment of the writer's
+            praises;</p>
+
+            <p>In every class are those who ape the airs</p>
+
+            <p>Of the superior nobs and millionaires.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But still, when all reserves are duly made</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For negligible faults in tact or
+            breeding,</p>
+
+            <p>The picture by this noble scribe displayed</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of high-browed Hundom makes impressive
+            reading;</p>
+
+            <p>For homage to convivial needs is paid</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Without the faintest risk of
+            over-feeding,</p>
+
+            <p>And, braced by frugal fare, the Prussian brain</p>
+
+            <p>Soars to a perfectly celestial plane.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page57-58"
+       id="page57-58"></a>[pg 57-58]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/58.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/58s.png"
+             alt="I AM THE MAN." /></a>
+
+        <h2>"I AM THE MAN."</h2>
+
+        <p>["What is wanted is a moral deed, to free the world ...
+        from the pressure which weighs upon all. For such a deed it
+        is necessary to find a ruler who has a conscience.... I
+        have the courage."&mdash;<i>Extract of letter from the
+        GERMAN KAISER to his Chancellor, dated October 31st, 1916,
+        and recently published in "The North German
+        Gazette."</i>]</p>
+    </div><!--pages 59-60 blank-->
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61"
+       id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/61.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/61s.png"
+             alt="THE ADVANTAGE OF A SCIENTIFIC EDUCATION." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE ADVANTAGE OF A SCIENTIFIC EDUCATION.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Drawing Mistress</i> (<i>to member of class that has
+        been told to draw some object of natural history</i>).
+        "NOW, JAMES, THAT IS NAUGHTY. WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE A
+        NATURAL HISTORY SUBJECT?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>James</i>. "BUT I HAVE. I'VE DRAWN THE RED CORPUSCLES
+        IN THE BLOOD OF A FROG."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A FLEETING DETACHMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p>Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.), stepped off the
+    footboard of X.33, a medi&aelig;val Vanguard, and splashed his
+    way round to the driver. "I'm fair sick o' this 'ere Flanders,
+    I am," he complained, expectorating dolorously into the sea of
+    mud; "'spose it 'ull be up to the blinkin' axles before
+    February?" He stirred the mixture with a cautious foot.</p>
+
+    <p>"Not 'arf, ole sport," replied the driver, carefully
+    unsticking a cigarette from his underlip. "But yer ought to
+    'ave bin out larst winter, then yer did 'ave to sit above
+    yerself to keep yer tootsies dry."</p>
+
+    <p>"Wot&mdash;wuss than this?" exclaimed the disconsolate
+    one.</p>
+
+    <p>"Wuss!" was the withering retort. "Wy, when I tells yer that
+    some o' them Naval 'Umming-birds, t'other side o' Popinjay,
+    fitted out an ole Blue 'Ammersmith with a pair o' propellers
+    ... Wuss!" He exhaled scornfully and gave a turn to the
+    lubricator.</p>
+
+    <p>"Any chance o' getting down Vermelly way? They say it ain't
+    'arf bad there." Albert brightened up at the thought.</p>
+
+    <p>"'Tain't likely," was the sharp and unsympathetic reply.
+    "'Oo do yer think's goin' ter do this little job if they takes
+    our lot away? Wy, this 'ere road is just like 'Igh 'Olborn to
+    me; I knows all the 'umps and 'ollows blindfold."</p>
+
+    <p>Albert returned to the stern sheets and considered the most
+    feasible method of desertion.</p>
+
+    <p>Half-an-hour later, when the daylight had gone, X.33,
+    generously over-flowing with a detachment of the 20th
+    Mudlarkers, was, in company with many other vehicles, making
+    her inharmonious way along the "Wipers" road. Judging from the
+    plunginess of her progress and the fluent language of the man
+    of oil, it was evident that some of the "'umps and 'ollows" had
+    passed from the driver's memory. Not that such a slight matter
+    could damp the spirits of the passengers. Rather it served to
+    entertain them.</p>
+
+    <p>"We '<i>ave</i> gone an' fallen out of the dress-circle this
+    time," a voice exclaimed after an extra steep dive into a
+    badly-filled shell crater.</p>
+
+    <p>Albert, wet and unsociable, hung gloomily on to the back
+    rail.</p>
+
+    <p>"Carn't see wot they got to be so blinkin' 'appy abart," he
+    muttered savagely; "I don't believe it's 'arf bad in them
+    trenches." He ruminated bitterly on the thought that his job
+    was probably the worst one on the whole front, and made a
+    resolve to put the matter right.</p>
+
+    <p>When the final stopping-place had been reached and the 20th
+    Mudlarkers, after the usual indescribable m&ecirc;l&eacute;e,
+    had been put upon the path that would ultimately lead them (if
+    they were fortunate enough to avoid all guides,
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62"
+       id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> philosophers and friends) to
+       their trench, the man of oil was profanely grieved to
+       discover that Albert Snape had abandoned X33 for the
+       unknown.</p>
+
+    <p>As a matter of fact Albert had slipped away and followed the
+    Mudlarkers, with a hazy idea that a rifle would fortuitously
+    present itself. That an extra unit could possibly be noticed
+    never occurred to him. He had a vague intention of joining a
+    cavalry regiment. Very soon he lost the Mudlarkers, and then,
+    by an easy sequence of events, himself.</p>
+
+    <p>"Wha goes there?" whispered a hoarse voice almost in his
+    ear. It gave him quite an unpleasant start, but, suppressing
+    his first inspiration, which was to say the Life Guards, he
+    answered, "I'm a Mudlarker!"</p>
+
+    <p>"This iss the Seaforths in supporrt," remarked the sentry;
+    "ye'll be in the firrst line, na doot. Ye'll hae to go back,
+    an' it's the firrst turnin' tae the left, an' keep as strecht
+    as ye can." The Highlander stepped back into the deeper shadows
+    and the self-recruited Mudlarker continued his career.</p>
+
+    <p>He traversed what seemed to him an interminable number of
+    trenches without encountering anyone. There was a reason for
+    this lack of companionship, but it did not at first appeal to
+    his imagination. Suddenly he was startled by the vicious "phut,
+    phut, phut" of unpleasantly close shooting, and bullets began
+    to splash and grease along the bottom of the trench,
+    accompanied by the stutter of a machine gun.</p>
+
+    <p>Miraculously untouched, he slid over the parados and lay,
+    sweating with fright, in the watery furrow of a turnip
+    field.</p>
+
+    <p>The trench was one that was seldom used, being thoroughly
+    exposed to enfilading fire. At stated periods through the night
+    a machine gun was turned on, a proceeding which, beyond
+    gratifying the Huns, had no sort of effect. Albert, in blissful
+    ignorance of all such customs, floundered about amongst the
+    turnips until he came across a Jack Johnson crater. From this
+    he emerged even wetter than before. A little later he became
+    mixed up with some barbed wire. The more be tried to get away
+    the more inextricably he became involved with it. A star shell
+    burst overhead, and a German sniper, seizing the chance of a
+    lifetime, put in four rounds rapid fire.</p>
+
+    <p>Albert lost the lobe of an ear and had his breeches shot
+    through, but he managed to escape from the wire and find
+    another furrow. Mere dampness no longer inconvenienced him,
+    there were so many other things to think about. He crawled
+    stealthily on his hands and knees and found the barbed wire
+    again. At length he heard the welcome sound of voices. He
+    crawled faster until he became aware that the voices were not
+    speaking English, This discovery turned him to stone. For an
+    hour&mdash;perhaps two hours&mdash;he remained as still as a
+    hare in its form.</p>
+
+    <p>Suddenly, blurred and crouching figures appeared out of the
+    night. They moved quickly and silently. One of them nearly trod
+    upon his hand, but he was too dazed to think of committing
+    himself to either speech or action.</p>
+
+    <p>"Give it 'em!" cried a voice a few seconds later, and the
+    roar of the exploding bombs signified that it had been
+    given.</p>
+
+    <p>Instantly pandemonium broke loose. Machine gun and rapid
+    rifle fire burst forth from the German front trenches, and
+    streams of bullets swept over the intervening ground like a
+    gigantic hail-storm; then some field batteries began to burst
+    H.E. shrapnel above the disturbed area, while star shells and
+    magnesium flares threw an uneven light over the whole
+    scene.</p>
+
+    <p>A breathless body cast itself down beside the now completely
+    mesmerised Albert: "We ain't 'arf upset the blinkin' beehive.
+    Lumme! it's&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>The prone figure suddenly became silent, gave a convulsive
+    kick or two and rolled over towards the man who still
+    lived.</p>
+
+    <p>It was sufficient. Something seemed to draw very tense in
+    Albert's brain and his body reeled into action.</p>
+
+    <p>Blindly and without coherent thought he ran shouting across
+    the field, stumbling and falling over the slippery and uneven
+    surface, but always picking himself up and flinging his body
+    onward into the unknown.</p>
+
+    <p>A subaltern, who was examining a luminous watch, received
+    him at the charge as he fell into an English first-line trench.
+    They struggled wildly together in the mud to the accompaniment
+    of startling language on the part of the subaltern.</p>
+
+    <p>Then Albert, having reached his limit of endurance, had the
+    supreme tact to faint.</p>
+
+    <p>A little later, in a well-found dug-out, the patient was
+    refreshing himself with copious draughts of brandy.</p>
+
+    <p>"Who are you, and what the devil are you doing here?" asked
+    the still indignant officer.</p>
+
+    <p>Albert did not hesitate longer than it takes to swallow.</p>
+
+    <p>"Lorst me way, I 'ave, Sir. I'm with X 33, attached to
+    Mechanical Transport, an' if I ain't back pretty quick my mate
+    'ull fair 'ave a bloomin' fit."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>As was predicted by the sagacious man of oil, the mud upon
+    the &mdash;&mdash; road is slowly climbing towards the axles,
+    but in spite of this and sundry other drawbacks it would be
+    hard to find a more contented spirit than that of Private
+    Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.).</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LIONS AT PLAY.</h2>
+
+    <h3>BY A SUBALTERN.</h3>
+
+    <p>The Colonel rustles his newspaper, smites it into shape with
+    a mighty fist, rips it across in a futile endeavour to fold it
+    accurately, and, casting it furiously aside in a crumpled mass,
+    says, after the manner of all true War Lords, "Umph." Whereupon
+    the Ante-Room as one man takes cover.</p>
+
+    <p>The Colonel then turns cumbrously in his chair, permitting
+    his eye to rove round the room in search of the unwary prey. He
+    smiles cynically at the intense concentration of the Auction
+    parties; winces at the renewed and unnatural efforts of those
+    who make music; glares unamiably at the feverish book-worms,
+    and suddenly breaks into little chuckles of satisfaction. The
+    Ante-Room peers cautiously round to discover the identity of
+    the unfortunate victim, and chuckles in its turn. The Adjutant,
+    checked in his stealthy retreat, hastens back, arranges the
+    table and chess-board, pokes the fire with unnecessary energy,
+    and sits down. At once the Ante-Room abandons its cover.</p>
+
+    <p>The Colonel begins by grasping the box, turning it upside
+    down, and spilling the contents over the sides of the table.
+    The Adjutant immediately apologises for his clumsiness. The
+    Colonel then liberally spreads out the pieces, selects two
+    pawns, and offers the Adjutant the choice of two fists. The
+    Adjutant chooses. Each fist opens to disclose a white pawn. The
+    Colonel's expansive smile over his little joke quickly turns to
+    a frown at the Adjutant's exaggerated laughter. He suspects the
+    Adjutant. He seizes two more pieces, offers his opponent
+    another choice, but, to the latter's huge delight and his own
+    discomfiture, eventually discovers that both are black. He
+    accordingly makes use of his casting vote and selects
+    white.</p>
+
+    <p>The Colonel plays a smashing game. When it is his turn to
+    move he never pauses to make up his mind. His mind is already
+    made up. All he has to do, immediately the Adjutant has
+    finished touching up his position, is to move the piece his eye
+    has been piercing throughout the long period of his opponent's
+    cautious deliberation. When the Colonel moves a piece he may be
+    said to get there. All obstructions are ruthlessly swept aside
+    with a callous indifference to Hague Conventions.
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page63"
+       id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> Should a knight haply descend
+       from the clouds and settle on the correct square it arrives
+       more by luck than judgment. Tradition alleges that whenever
+       the Colonel is called upon to move his king in the earlier
+       stages of the game all lights are turned off from the
+       neighbouring town in accordance with the Defence of the
+       Realm Regulations. However true this may be&mdash;the
+       responsibility rests on the Padre's capable
+       shoulders&mdash;when his king is moved in the later stages
+       the Colonel pushes it along by half-squares in a haphazard
+       and preoccupied manner. He invariably fills his pipe when
+       the end is in sight, but leaves it unlighted so that he may
+       cover his ultimate defeat by a general demolition of
+       matches.</p>
+
+    <p>On this occasion the Adjutant skilfully snipes the Colonel's
+    queen in the sixth move. The Colonel immediately retrieves the
+    piece from the box, asks where it was before, examines it with
+    the essence of loathing and revolt, removes it out of his
+    sight, and refuses to take it back, although he had mistaken it
+    for another piece. In retaliation he proceeds to concentrate
+    all his effectives on his opponent's queen, and, after
+    sacrificing the flower of his forces, drives the attack home
+    and gains his objective with the greatest enthusiasm. He
+    remarks that the capture was costly, but that honour is
+    satisfied, and would the waiter kindly approach within
+    ear-shot?</p>
+
+    <p>While the Adjutant is working up his offensive on the
+    Colonel's right flank, the Colonel himself is making
+    independent sallies on the left, unless, of course, he is
+    compelled to march his king out of a congested district into
+    more open country. On the rare occasions when he is at a loss
+    for a moment what to do he makes it a practice to move a pawn
+    one square in order to gain time. By this method, unexpectedly
+    but none the less jubilantly, he recovers his queen&mdash;only
+    to see it laid low again by enfilading fire from a perfectly
+    obvious redoubt.</p>
+
+    <p>After twenty minutes of battle the Colonel's area becomes
+    positively draughty, and the sole survivors of his dashing but
+    sanguinary counter-attack, the king and two pawns, have assumed
+    the bored and callous air of a remnant that has fought too long
+    and is called upon to fight again. The Colonel has just
+    unceremoniously pushed his sovereign to the rear with a flick
+    of his nervous irritated little finger. His opponent can
+    obviously bring him to his knees in two moves. Instead of which
+    the Adjutant brazenly commences with massed bands and colours
+    flying to execute a masterly tactical advance with the whole of
+    his command&mdash;cavalry, infantry, church and tanks, in order
+    to achieve the destruction of the two bantam bodyguards.</p>
+
+    <p>This is not playing the game, and the Colonel fumes inwardly
+    and frets outwardly. In the intervals of pressing down the
+    unlit tobacco in his pipe with an oscillating thumb, he
+    alternately pokes his king out of the corner and pulls it back
+    again; while his transparent impulse is to scrap the board,
+    wreck the ante-room and run amok. The Adjutant continues his
+    innocent amusement until at last the pleasure wanes. The two
+    heroic pawns are carried decently off, and he apologetically
+    whispers his suspicions of a checkmate to his commanding
+    officer.</p>
+
+    <p>The Colonel brushes aside the Mess President's
+    tinder-lighter, shatters the mute triumph of the serried black
+    ranks of the hostile forces with one superb elevation of the
+    eyebrows, smashes three matches in quick succession, and proves
+    that all the time his mind has been preoccupied with weightier
+    matters by saying after the manner of all true War Lords,
+    "Umph."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/63.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/63s.png"
+             alt="PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE!" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Tube Conductor</i>. "PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR,
+        PLEASE! PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE!! (<i>In
+        desperation</i>) ANY LADY OR GENTLEMAN PRESENT KNOW THE
+        GERMAN FOR 'PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR'?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Sweetness and Light.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O MATTHEW ARNOLD! you were right:</p>
+
+            <p>We need more Sweetness and more Light;</p>
+
+            <p>For till we break the brutal foe</p>
+
+            <p>Our sugar's short, our lights are low.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64"
+       id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span>
+
+    <h2>A LUCID EXPLANATION.</h2>
+
+    <p>It was my task to collect from their relatives particulars
+    as to the whereabouts of the wounded of our neighbourhood, for
+    the purposes of our local report. It wanted five minutes to
+    twelve, the sacred dinner-hour of the British artisan, and one
+    name remained upon my list, against which was a pencilled note,
+    "Reported returning home." Did that mean that he was disabled?
+    And should I manage to gather the necessary information before
+    the clock struck?</p>
+
+    <p>I knocked at the door, which was opened by a woman wearing a
+    canvas apron with a very tight string, her head surmounted by
+    hair-curlers and a cloth cap.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, thanking you kindly," she replied in answer to my
+    question, "me son '<i>as</i> been wounded. 'Eard of it from the
+    War Office. This war's a shocking business."</p>
+
+    <p>I expressed my sympathy and asked for particulars.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yer see, he was at Gallipoli."</p>
+
+    <p>"At Gallipoli? Then it must have been some time ago? I
+    understood&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"It was this way. Me son, 'e ses to me, 'Mother,' 'e says,
+    'don't you worry, but I've had a toe took off.' 'E never was
+    one to put up a great shout 'bout hisself, nor nothink of that.
+    They took 'im down to their base 'ospital. Leeharver's the
+    name. Perhaps you know it?"</p>
+
+    <p>I cast my mind over the &AElig;gean Islands, from which
+    Mudros sprang up very large, and everything else sank into
+    oblivion. "I'm afraid I don't," I owned apologetically.</p>
+
+    <p>"Thought perhaps you might. L-E first word, H-A-V-R-E
+    second&mdash;Leeharver."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh-h, to be sure, Le Havre. I mean&mdash;yes, now you
+    mention it, I think I have heard of it. And is your son still
+    there?"</p>
+
+    <p>Me son, 'e ses the vermin there was something shocking, and
+    they spent all their spare time 'unting theirselves."</p>
+
+    <p>"What? <i>not</i> in the hospital? Oh, I see; you mean in
+    the trenches."</p>
+
+    <p>"And 'im," she continued, not noticing my remark, 'and 'im
+    that partic'lar 'bout 'is linen; couldn't use a 'andkerchief
+    not unless it was spotless; must 'av a clean one every Sunday
+    as reg'lar as the week come round. It do seem 'ard, don't it?
+    They've pinched his sweater too. S'pose I shall 'av to get 'im
+    another, s'pose I shall; but it's a job to know how to get
+    along these times. And now margarine's up this week, that's the
+    latest."</p>
+
+    <p>"But your son," I ventured tentatively&mdash;"is his foot
+    still bad?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, 'is <i>foot's</i> right enough. It's 'is teeth that's
+    the worry. 'E ses to me, 'Mother,' he ses, 'afore I can do any
+    good I must 'ave me teeth seen to.' Oh, this fighting's cruel
+    work!"</p>
+
+    <p>Could he have been wounded in the jaw? The thought was
+    horrible, but I remarked with affected cheerfulness, "Well,
+    come, anyhow he is able to write."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, 'e can <i>write</i> right enough&mdash;got the prize at
+    school for 'rithmatic, 'e did."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, but I mean if he is able to write he can't be so very
+    bad."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, 'e didn't <i>write</i> that. That was August come a
+    twelvemonth. The very first thing they done to him was to take
+    out pretty near 'alf 'is teeth. The military authorities do
+    pull you about something shocking."</p>
+
+    <p>"And where did he go after Hav&mdash;after Leehar&mdash;I
+    mean after the hospital?" I was getting rather bewildered.</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, 'e went to the War right enough; but 'is digestion's
+    that bad. They said 'e'd feel a lot better once 'is teeth was
+    was out, but 'e ses, 'Mother,' 'e ses, 'you want a mouth full
+    of teeth to eat this bullet beef what they give us.' Next thing
+    was they set him to drive them machines."</p>
+
+    <p>"What machines would those be?" I asked, groping for a
+    little light.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, them motors as they use out there. 'E got meddling
+    with one of 'em, and it was the nearest thing 'e didn't 'ave
+    'is 'and in a jelly; the machine didn't act proper, or
+    somethink o' that."</p>
+
+    <p>"And do you mean that his hand was injured?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Not as I've 'eard on," came the prompt reply.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, but I thought you said your son <i>had</i> been
+    wounded."</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah, yes, that was 'is toe, yer see; sent 'im down to the
+    base 'ospital, Leeharver."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, you told me that; but I heard he might be coming home.
+    I was afraid perhaps he was disabled."</p>
+
+    <p>"That's right. 'E's coming 'ome right enough. Ought to be
+    'ere in 'bout five minutes. 'Ope 'is dinner 'asn't spiled time
+    I've stood 'ere talking to you."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, what <i>is</i> the matter with him then?" I asked
+    desperately.</p>
+
+    <p>"Dunno there's anything partic'lar wrong with 'im. 'E's
+    going to get married to-morrer, if that's what you mean. 'Ope
+    it won't be the beginning of fresh troubles for 'im. But you
+    never know what's coming next."</p>
+
+    <p>I agreed that you never did.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/64.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/64s.png"
+             alt="ELLO, WOT'S THE MATTER WITH 'IM?" /></a>
+
+        <p>"ELLO, WOT'S THE MATTER WITH 'IM?"</p>
+
+        <p>"SHELL SHOCK, I RECKON."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.</h2>
+
+    <h3>III.</h3>
+
+    <p>Jerry, my lad,&mdash;We have lost a dear friend, and with
+    him, alas, the piping days of peace. No, he is not dead, or
+    even moribund, but his friendship for us lives no longer. His
+    name is Feodor, and he is a Bulgar comitadjus, or whatever is
+    the singular of "comitadji," and he lived until lately in No. 2
+    Dugout, Hyde Park, just over the way.</p>
+
+    <p>It is a moot point which delighted us the more, Feodor's
+    charming manner or his exquisite trousers. These two
+    characteristics were the more pleasing because of their perfect
+    contrast; for whereas his manner was refined and retiring, his
+    trousers were distinctly aggressive in their flaunting
+    shameless redness.</p>
+
+    <p>Feodor's appearances were at first spasmodic. This was only
+    natural, seeing that he had not yet instilled into us his own
+    attractive habit of <i>laisser aller</i> and <i>laisser
+    faire</i>, and that his red trousers offered such a beautiful
+    mark.</p>
+
+    <p>He would appear suddenly, smile seraphically towards us, and
+    then disappear before our snipers could get on to him. At first
+    of course we tried to pot him, but gradually our ferocity gave
+    way to amazement and then to tolerance. At last came a day when
+    Feodor climbed on to his parapet and made us a pretty little
+    speech. We cheered him loudly, although we didn't understand
+    much of it. Next day we brought down an interpreter
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page65"
+       id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> and asked Feodor for an
+       encore. His second performance was even more spirited than
+       the first, and after a graceful vote of thanks to our
+       benefactor we asked the interpreter to oblige.</p>
+
+    <p>It appeared that from his boyhood Feodor had been
+    apprenticed to an assistant piano-tuner in Varna. Rosy days of
+    rapid promotion followed, and the boy, completely wrapped up in
+    his profession, soon became a deputy assistant piano-tuner.
+    Then followed the old, old story of vaulting ambition.</p>
+
+    <p>The youth, his head turned by material success, sought to
+    consolidate his social position by a marriage above his
+    station, and dared to aspire to the hand of a full
+    piano-tuner's daughter.</p>
+
+    <p>The old man tried gentle dissuasion at first, but the
+    obstinate pertinacity of the stripling made him gradually lose
+    patience. He was a hale and hearty veteran, and when the
+    situation came to a climax his method of dealing with it was
+    stern and thorough.</p>
+
+    <p>Seizing the hapless Feodor during an evening call he
+    interned him in the vitals of a tuneless Baby Grand, and for
+    three hours played on him CHOPIN'S polonaise in A flat major,
+    with the loud pedal down. On his release Feodor had lost his
+    reason and rushed to the nearest police-station to ask to be
+    sent to the Front immediately. His object, he explained, was to
+    end the War. The Bulgar authorities thought the plan worth
+    trying and sent him off as a comitadjus; and to these
+    circumstances we were indebted for his society.</p>
+
+    <p>Every day we saw more and more of Feodor, and we grew to
+    love him. As to sniping him now&mdash;the idea never entered
+    our beads. Accordingly, while a deafening strafe proceeded
+    daily on both sides of us, we remained in a state of idyllic
+    peace and hatelessness.</p>
+
+    <p>Then arrived the cruel day when the Brass Hats came round,
+    and a large and important General asked us&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"But are you being offensive enough to the enemy in
+    front?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Offensive to Feodor, Sir? Impossible!"</p>
+
+    <p>"You <i>must</i> be offensive," he rejoined. "I don't think
+    there is sufficient hate in this part of the line."</p>
+
+    <p>It was this unfortunate moment that Feodor chose to step on
+    to his parapet and call out cheerfully to the Great
+    Man&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"Good morning, John<i>ee</i>!"</p>
+
+    <p>For one tense moment I thought the General would burst. By
+    an effort he pulled himself together, however, and shouted to
+    my troops in a voice of thunder&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"At That Person in front&mdash;fifteen rounds rapid.
+    Fire!"</p>
+
+    <p>We had to do it, of course, and, although I think most of
+    our sights were a little high, accidents <i>will</i> happen.
+    Feodor emitted one unearthly shriek, and his time back towards
+    home would, if it had been taken, make a world's championship
+    record.</p>
+
+    <p>I don't think he was physically hurt; but his poor trousers
+    were badly punctured!...</p>
+
+    <p>Our friend, Jerry, may not be lost, but he is certainly gone
+    behind.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours always,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">PETER.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/65.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/65s.png"
+             alt="THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL. WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Lady</i> (<i>who has been photographed for
+        passport</i>). "THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL.
+        WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Photographer</i>. "I'M VERY SORRY, LADY; BUT, YOU
+        SEE, THE GOVERNMENT WON'T ALLOW US TO TOUCH UP ANY PASSPORT
+        PHOTOS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "From the Pentland Firth to Norway, the eyes of the British
+        Fleet are those of Nunquam."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Post</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We suppose old <i>Dormio</i> is asleep as usual.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The clergy will be pleased to hear of parishioners who are
+        sick.".&mdash;<i>Parish Magazine</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>No doubt they mean it kindly, but it sounds rather
+    callous.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Holders of 15s. 6d. War Savings Certificates and scrip
+        vouchers of the War Loan are acceptable over the Post
+        Office counter at their face value."&mdash;-<i>Daily
+        News</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"'My face is my fortune, Sir,' she said."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Will anyone give 15/- and a kind home to a nice little
+        brown miniature poodle dog, 3 years, ideal pet and
+        companion?"&mdash;<i>The Bazaar</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Sixpence more and the little pet could buy a War Savings
+    Certificate.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page66"
+       id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE FATE OF UMBRELLAS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. I.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Arthur Vivian, Bury Street, St.
+    James's, to Mrs. Morton, Dockington Hall, Bucks.</i></p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MRS. MORTON,&mdash;Just a line to thank you very
+    sincerely for my delightful visit. It was like old times to see
+    you "all gathered together in hospitable Dockington and to find
+    that the War, terrible as it is, has not altogether abolished
+    pleasant human intercourse in England, in spite of what the
+    Dean said. But then Deans are privileged persons.</p>
+
+    <p>I am sorry to say, by the way, that in the hurry of
+    departure this morning I took away the wrong umbrella and left
+    my own. I am sending back the changeling with all proper
+    apologies. Would you mind sending me mine? It has a crook
+    handle (cane) and a plain silver band with my initials engraved
+    on it. Please give my love to Harry and the children.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours always sincerely,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ARTHUR VIVIAN.</p>
+
+    <h3>No. II.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From the Dean of Marchester to Mrs.
+    Morton</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MRS. MORTON,&mdash;I desire to thank you for three most
+    agreeable days spent in congenial company. You have indeed
+    mastered the secret of making your guests feel at home, and
+    Dockington even in war-time is still Dockington. Pray give my
+    warm regards to Mr. Morton and remember me suitably to the dear
+    children. I wish they wouldn't keep on growing up as they do;
+    childhood is so delightful.</p>
+
+    <p>I find to my great regret that by some inexplicable mistake
+    I took away with me an umbrella that is not mine. I am sending
+    it back to you, and shall be deeply beholden to you if you will
+    pack up and send to me the one I left. It is an old one,
+    recognisable by its cane handle (crook) and an indiarubber ring
+    round the shaft. Pray accept my apologies for the trouble I am
+    giving you.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours very sincerely,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">CHARLES MELDEW.</p>
+
+    <h3>No. III.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Brigadier-General Barton to his
+    Sister, Mrs. Morton</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MARY,&mdash;You gave me a capital time. There's a
+    slight difference between Dockington and the trenches. I'm not
+    as a rule a great performer with clergymen, but I liked your
+    Dean. By the way, when I dashed off your man put somebody
+    else's umbrella in with me, instead of my own, which is a natty
+    specimen. The one I've got is an old gamp with a stout
+    indiarubber ring to it. I haven't time to send it back. Every
+    moment is taken up, as I cross to France to-night. Besides, how
+    can you pack such a thing as an umbrella? It's much too long.
+    Keep mine till we meet again. Best love to Harry and the
+    kids.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Ever yours,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">TOM.</p>
+
+    <h3>No. IV.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Arthur Vivian to Mrs. Morton</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MRS. MORTON,&mdash;I wired you this morning asking you
+    to do nothing about my umbrella. The fact is I have found it at
+    my rooms, and I am forced to the conclusion that I never took
+    it with me to Dockington at all. I am awfully sorry to have
+    given you all this trouble. It shall be a lesson to me never to
+    take my umbrella anywhere, or rather never to think I've taken
+    it, when, as a matter of fact, I haven't.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours always sincerely,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ARTHUR VIVIAN.</p>
+
+    <h3>No. V.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Telegram from Mrs. Morton to Arthur
+    Vivian</i>.</p>Too late. Sent off somebody's umbrella to you
+    yesterday. Please return it to me.
+
+    <h3>No. VI.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Mrs. Morton to her Sister, Lady
+    Compton</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>... We had a few friends at Dockington last week, not a real
+    party, but just a few old shoes&mdash;Tom, Arthur Vivian and
+    the Dean of Marchester and Mrs. Dean. Since they went away I've
+    had the most awful time with their umbrellas. They all took
+    away with them the wrong ones, and then wrote to me to send
+    them their right ones. Arthur Vivian never brought one, and
+    whose he took away I can't say. In fact I've been exposed to an
+    avalanche of returning umbrellas, and Parkins has spent all his
+    time in doing up the absurd things and posting them. He has
+    just celebrated his seventieth birthday, and these umbrellas
+    have ruined what's left of his temper. Umbrellas still keep
+    pouring in, and nobody ever seems by any chance to get the
+    right one. It's the most discouraging thing I've ever been
+    involved in. As far as I can make out the Dean's umbrella is
+    now in the trenches with Tom. If ever I have a party at
+    Dockington again I shall write, "No umbrellas by request," on
+    the invitations.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE INN O' THE SWORD.</h2>
+
+    <h3>A SONG OF YOUTH AND WAR.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Roving along the King's highway</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I met wi' a Romany black.</p>
+
+            <p>"Good day," says I; says he, "Good day,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And what may you have in your pack?"</p>
+
+            <p>"Why, a shirt," says I, "and a song or two</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To make the road go faster."</p>
+
+            <p>He laughed: "Ye'll find or the day be through</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">There's more nor that, young master.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Oh, roving's good and youth is sweet</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And love is its own reward;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">But there's that shall stay your careless
+            feet</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">When ye come to the Sign o' the
+            Sword."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Riddle me, riddlemaree," quoth I,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Is a game that's ill to win,</p>
+
+            <p>And the day is o'er fair such tasks to
+            try"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Said he, "Ye shall know at the inn."</p>
+
+            <p>With that he suited his path to mine</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And we travelled merrily,</p>
+
+            <p>Till I was ware of the promised sign</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the door of an hostelry.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And the Romany sang, "To the very
+            life</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Ye shall pay for bed and board;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Will ye turn aside to the House of
+            Strife?</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Will ye lodge at the Inn o' the
+            Sword?"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then I looked at the inn 'twixt joy and fear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the Romany looked at me.</p>
+
+            <p>Said I, "We ha' come to a parting here</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And I know not who you be."</p>
+
+            <p>But he only laughed as I smote on the door:</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Go, take ye the fighting chance;</p>
+
+            <p>Mayhap I once was a troubadour</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In the knightly days of France.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Oh, the feast is set for those who
+            dare</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And the reddest o' wine outpoured;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And some sleep sound after peril and
+            care</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">At the Hostelry of the Sword."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>For our "National Lent"&mdash;the War Loan.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67"
+       id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/67s.png"
+             alt="I DIDN'T HALF TELL OFF OUR SERGEANT JUST NOW." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p><i>Pet of the Platoon</i>. "I DIDN'T HALF TELL OFF OUR
+        SERGEANT JUST NOW. I CALLED HIM A KNOCK-KNEED, PIGEON-TOED,
+        SWIVEL-EYED MONKEY, AND SAID HE OUGHT TO GO TO A
+        NIGHT-SCHOOL!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ecstatic Chorus</i>. "AND WHAT DID HE SAY?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Bill</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). "WELL, AS A MATTER
+        OF FAC', I DON'T THINK HE QUITE HEARD ME."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2><b>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</b></h2>
+
+    <h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h3>
+
+    <p>When the eminent in other branches of art take to
+    literature, criticism must naturally be tempered with respect.
+    This is much how I feel after reading Sir WILLIAM RICHMOND'S
+    <i>The Silver Chain</i> (PALMER AND HAYWARD). Probably,
+    however, I should have enjoyed it more had not the publishers
+    indulged in a wrapper-paragraph of such unbounded eulogy. If
+    anybody is to call this novel "a work of great artistic
+    achievement," and praise its "philosophy, psychology,
+    delightful sense of humour, subtle analysis" and all the rest,
+    I should prefer it to be someone less interested in the wares
+    thus pushed. For my part I should be content to call <i>The
+    Silver Chain</i> by no means an uninteresting story, the work
+    of a distinguished man, obviously an amateur in the craft of
+    letters, who nevertheless has pleased himself (and will give
+    pleasure to others) by working into it many pen-pictures of
+    scenes in Egypt and Rome and Sicily, full of the glowing colour
+    that we should expect from their artist-author. But the tale
+    itself, the unrewarded love of the middle-aged "Philosopher"
+    for the not specially attractive heroine <i>Mary</i>, and the
+    subordinate very Byronic romance of <i>Herbert</i> and
+    <i>Annunziata</i>, quite frankly recalls those early
+    manuscripts that most novelists must have burnt before they
+    were quit of boyhood, or preserved to smile over. Still, in
+    these winter days, when only Prime Ministers go to Rome (and
+    then not to bask) and Luxor is equidistant with the moon, you
+    may well find respite in a book so full of sunshine and
+    memories of happy places; but I am bound to repeat my warning
+    that your fellow-travellers will perhaps not be quite such
+    stimulating society as the publishers would have you
+    expect.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Sir THEODORE COOK has already done sound work in dealing
+    with German methods, and in <i>The Mark of the Beast</i>
+    (MURRAY) he pursues his labours a step further. So careful is
+    he to give incontestable proofs for the charges he brings
+    against the Huns that even the most an&aelig;mic neutrals must
+    find a difficulty in reading this volume without recognising
+    the truth. Especially he emphasizes the dangers of peace-making
+    with an enemy whose whole policy and programme have been based
+    on lies. And if he insists many times and again upon this point
+    he has his excuse in the fact that some of us are so
+    extraordinarily forgetful and forgiving that we cannot be
+    reminded too often of what the future has in store for us if we
+    do not now remember the past. With such an absolutely flawless
+    case in his hands I find myself wishing sometimes that Sir
+    THEODORE had been less prodigal of the denunciatory language
+    which he hurls at Teutonic heads. Not for a moment would I
+    suggest that the Hun does not deserve vituperation, but I am
+    inclined to think that a less violent manner of attack is more
+    effective. In his own way, however, Sir THEODORE is inimitable,
+    and I can pay no higher praise to his book than to say that I
+    know of no War-literature so admirably calculated to make
+    BETHMANN-HOLLWEG ("more double than his name") really sorry for
+    himself. <span class="pagenum"><a name="page68"
+       id="page68"></a>[pg 68]</span></p>
+
+    <p>The War has not been lacking in fine memorials of the dead.
+    To what extent the Germans have commemorated the fallen I have
+    no notion; but in France and Italy the papers constantly print
+    tender and eloquent tributes, usually to the young. And in
+    England we have the same thing too, touchingly, proudly and
+    generously done. For the most part such tributes are mere
+    records, but now and then they reconstruct; and the most
+    remarkable example of such reconstruction&mdash;to the world at
+    large, absolute creation&mdash;is the memoir of <i>Charles
+    Lister</i> (UNWIN), which his father, Lord RIBBLESDALE, and
+    some devoted friends have, with perfect biographical tact,
+    prepared. But for CHARLES LISTER'S untimely death, leading his
+    men against the Turks in July, 1915, most of the letters in
+    this book would never have been printed at all; for whatever
+    his career might have become&mdash;and he was a man apart and
+    bound for distinction&mdash;and however great a record were
+    his, the early years could not be thus liberally illumined. But
+    since death decreed that these early years&mdash;he was not
+    quite twenty-eight when he was wounded for the third time and
+    succumbed&mdash;should constitute all his career, we have this
+    notable and beautiful book. If one had to put but a single
+    epithet to it I should choose "radiant." At Eton, at Balliol,
+    at the Embassies in Rome and Constantinople, and in the Army,
+    CHARLES LISTER shed radiance. All his many friends testify to
+    this. As for his letters, they are clear and gay and human; and
+    they have also a sagacity that many older and more determined
+    observers of life might envy; while that one to Lady DESBOROUGH
+    upon the death of his great friend, JULIAN GRENFELL, is
+    literature. Every page is interesting, but some are far more
+    than that; and at the end one has almost too moving a concept
+    of an ardent idealistic English gentleman met too late.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>At first sight, perhaps, <i>Nothing Matters</i> (CASSELL)
+    may sound to you a somewhat, shall I say, transatlantic title
+    for a book published in these days, when we are all learning
+    how enormously everything matters. But this emotion will only
+    last till you have read Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE'S disarming
+    little preface. Personally, it left me regretting only one
+    thing in the volume (or, to be more accurate, outside it),
+    which was the design of its very unornamental wrapper&mdash;a
+    lapse, surely, from taste, for which it would probably be quite
+    unfair to blame the writer of what lies within. This is almost
+    all of it excellent fooling, and includes a brace of longish
+    short-stories (rather in the fantastic style of brother MAX);
+    some fugitive pieces that you may recall as they flitted
+    through the fields of journalism; with, for stiffening, a
+    reprint of the author's admirable lecture upon "The Importance
+    of Humour in Tragedy." This is a title that you may well take
+    as a motto for the whole book. It will have, I think, a warm
+    welcome from Sir HERBERT'S many friends and admirers, even
+    should it turn out to be the case that some of his plots have
+    been (in his own quaintly attractive phrase) "prophetically
+    plagiarised" by other writers. Certainly this welcome will not
+    be lessened by the knowledge that all profits from the sale of
+    the volume are to go to support a cause that, to all who love
+    the Stage, will be far indeed from not mattering&mdash;the fund
+    to supplement the incomes of the wives and families of actors
+    at the Front. You may regard it therefore as the lightest of
+    comedies played, like so many others, in the cause of charity,
+    and put down your money with an approving conscience.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Let no one whose heart has been touched beyond mere
+    vicarious pride in the achievement of our brothers-in-arms at
+    the gate of Paris allow himself to miss the detailed narrative
+    of HENRI DUGARD in <i>The Battle of Verdun</i> (HUTCHINSON). A
+    good translation by F. APPLEBY HOLT, rather exceptional in
+    these days of hurried conveyancing, does not detract from the
+    vigour and movement of the story. We, who only saw the long
+    agony through the medium of the always inadequate and discreet
+    technicalities of the <i>communiqu&eacute;s</i>, could form no
+    real impression of the kind of fighting or of the results of
+    each phase of it. The author has collected the accounts or
+    reports, so that the strokes and counter-strokes (for there was
+    nothing passive in this siege) of the epic combats round
+    Douamont, Fort Vaux, the Woevre, Malancourt, Avocourt and the
+    Mort Homme are intelligibly reconstructed. Comment in the form
+    of personal anecdotes of individual heroism is added. Perhaps
+    the most illuminating touch is in the letter of poor Feldwebel
+    KARL GARTNER, which was to have been despatched to his mother
+    by a friend going on leave, so as to escape the Censor's eye.
+    It began in a mood of robustious confidence and ended (or
+    rather was interrupted by GARTNER'S capture) on the most
+    despairing note. And this was seven months before the most
+    brilliant counter-attack in the history of the War slammed the
+    door once for all in the face of the enemy.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/68.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/68s.png"
+             alt="THIS WON'T DO, YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT A LAUGH&mdash;IT'S A YAWN!" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Theatrical Manager</i>. "THIS WON'T DO, YOU KNOW.
+        IT'S NOT A LAUGH&mdash;IT'S A YAWN!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Poster Artist</i>. "WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE IN
+        SUCH A HURRY FOR THE SKETCH THAT YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME TIME
+        TO LET THE IMPRESSION OF THE PIECE WEAR OFF."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The scheme of utilising vacant spaces in London is being
+        taken up enthusiastically in the
+        provinces."&mdash;<i>Evening Standard</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>At the same time the scheme of utilising vacant spaces in
+    the provinces is being welcomed with similar enthusiasm in
+    London.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Vigorous complaints against the proposal to establish an
+        overhead electric system of tramways in Edinburgh were made
+        this afternoon.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        Lord Strathclyde declared that the overhead wires proposal
+        had electrified the citizens."&mdash;<i>Scottish Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>There must be something seriously wrong with the
+    insulation.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="margin-bottom:8em">
+        <img src="images/pointer.png"
+             alt="pointer" />
+    </div>
+
+    <p style="text-indent:-1em"><b>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected
+    Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter,
+    Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+    returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+    Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+    exception.</b></p><br clear="all" />
+
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14093 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
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+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14093 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14093)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+January 24, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 152, January 24, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 19, 2004 [EBook #14093]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 152 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, and the PG Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+January 24th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"They know nothing about the War in Greenland," said M. DANGAARD IENSEN to
+a contemporary, and now the Intelligence Department is wondering whether it
+didn't perhaps choose the wrong colour after all for its tabs.
+
+       ***
+
+The Governor of Greenland, giving evidence in the Prize Court last week,
+was greatly interested to learn that there was a well-known hymn, entitled
+"From Greenland's Icy Mountains." He was, however, inclined to think that
+the unfortunate reference to the rigorous nature of the climate would be
+resented by the local Publicity Committee, to whose notice he would feel it
+his duty to bring the matter when they were next thawed out.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord DEVONPORT has established his own Press Bureau, and it is rumoured
+that the Press Bureau is about to appoint its own Food Controller.
+
+       ***
+
+The American Line has advanced its First-Class fares by three pounds. It is
+hoped that this will effectually discourage Mr. HENRY FORD from visiting
+Europe for some time to come.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Times Literary Supplement_ has received 335 books of original verse in
+1916. And still the authorities pretend that juvenile crime is confined to
+the East End.
+
+       ***
+
+A telegram despatched from London on January 22nd, 1906, which contained a
+polling result of the General Election then in progress, has just been
+received by a Witham resident, who told the messenger there was no reply.
+
+       ***
+
+"If agriculture is to flourish," says _The Daily Mail_, "it must be so
+conducted as to pay." It is just this sordid commercialism that distorts
+the Carmelite point of view.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Union for the Development of the German Language have sent a
+petition to the CHANCELLOR, asking that in any future Peace negotiations
+the German language should be used. Will German frightfulness never cease?
+
+       ***
+
+"Anybody in the Carmarthen district," says the local medical officer, "can
+keep a pig in the parlour if they keep it clean." The necessity of keeping
+the parlour clean for the sake of its guest will be easily understood by
+those who appreciate the fastidious taste of the pig.
+
+       ***
+
+A Hungarian paper complains that the Government treats the War as if it
+were merely a family affair. This contrasts unfavourably with the more
+broadly hospitable attitude of the Allies, who have made it abundantly
+clear that so far as they are concerned anyone is welcome to join in and
+help their side.
+
+       ***
+
+The other day a Farnham bellringer, after cycling seventy miles, rang a
+peal of 5,940 changes. It is not known why.
+
+       ***
+
+"War diet," says Professor ROSIN in the _Lokal Anzeiger_, "improves the
+action of the heart." But what the Germans really want to know is, what
+improves a war diet?
+
+       ***
+
+Among the goods stolen from a Crouch Hill provision merchant's the other
+day were eight cheeses and ten hams. As the place was much littered it is
+thought that the cheeses put up a plucky fight.
+
+       ***
+
+It is pointed out by experienced agriculturists that it is useless to plant
+potatoes unless steps are taken to destroy the insect pests. A Peterborough
+farmer has written a poem in _The Daily Express_ against those pests, but
+we fancy that if a permanent improvement is to be effected it will be
+necessary to adopt much sterner measures than this.
+
+       ***
+
+The recent vagaries of the Weather Controller are said to be due to one of
+the new railway regulations, by which you are required to "Show all
+seasons, please."
+
+       ***
+
+Even Nature seems upset by the War. According to _The Evening Standard_
+primroses are blooming in a Harrow garden, while only the other day a pair
+of white spats were to be seen in the Strand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Anxious Mother._ "NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR BROTHER, MAUD. 'OLD
+THE UMBRELLER OVER THE SUGAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Glimpse of the Obvious.
+
+From the "Standing Orders" of a Military Hospital:--
+
+    "Officers confined to their beds will have their meals in their rooms."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A gale of great fury raged at Sheffield early on Tuesday morning. Much
+    damage was done in the city and outlying districts, a number of beings
+    being unroofed."--_Yorkshire Paper._
+
+Several others have been noticed to have a tile loose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The welcome, amounting to an oration, which heralded the Prime
+    Minister, was the most remarkable feature of a very remarkable
+    occasion." _Daily Dispatch._
+
+Is this quite kind to the subsequent speakers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "By his colleagues at Bar he has been regarded as a sound lawyer, well
+    worthy of the high position which he had filled for little over two
+    hundred years."--_Englishman_ (_Calcutta_).
+
+Lord HALSBURY must look to his laurels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Clement Wragge has prepared a special weather forecast for the
+    year 9117. His opinion is that the year will prove distinctly good."
+    _New Zealand Times._
+
+We infer that, in Mr. WRAGGE's opinion, the War will be over by then.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Minimum.
+
+Extract from a letter just received from H.Q. in France:--
+
+    "C.O.'s will take care that all ranks know that they must never parade
+    before an Officer--Brigade, Regimental or Company--unless properly
+    dressed, wearing at least a belt."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The few women on the platform were dressed quietly, as befitted the
+    occasion, the smartest person present being Mr. McKenna."--_Illustrated
+    Sunday Herald._
+
+Our contemporary might have told us what he wore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GOLFER'S PROTEST.
+
+  Among the shocks that laid us flat
+    When WILLIAM loosed his wanton hordes
+  There fell no bloodier blow than that
+    Which turned our niblicks into swords;
+  And O how bitter England's cup,
+    In what despair the order sunk her
+  That called her Cincinnati up
+    When busy ploughing in the bunker!
+
+  Even with those who stuck it out,
+    Bravely defying public shame,
+  Visions of trenches knocked about
+    Would often spoil their usual game;
+  Rumours of victory dearly bought,
+    Or else of bad strategic hitches,
+  Disturbed their concentrated thought
+    And put them off their mashie pitches.
+
+  Now comes a menace yet more rude
+    That puts us even further off;
+  It says the nation's need of food
+    Must come before the claims of golf;
+  We hear of parties going round,
+    Aided by local War-Committees,
+  To violate our sacred ground
+    By planting veg. along our "pretties."
+
+  If there be truth in that report,
+    Then have we reached the limit, viz.:--
+  The ruin of that manly sport
+    Which made our country what it is;
+  The ravages we soon restore
+    By conies wrought or hoofs of mutton,
+  But centuries must pass before
+    A turnip-patch is fit to putt on.
+
+  What! Shall we sacrifice the scenes
+    On which our higher natures thrive
+  Just to provide the vulgar means
+    To keep our lower selves alive?
+  Better to starve (or, better still,
+    Up hands and kiss the Hun peace-makers)
+  Than suffer PROTHERO to till
+    The British golfer's holy acres.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSONAL PARS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to some of our chatty contemporaries_.)
+
+HAPPY C.-IN-C.--I saw the Commander-in-Chief to-day passing through the
+little village of X in an open car. He was very quietly dressed in khaki,
+with touches of scarlet on the hat and by the collar. I waved my hand to
+him and he returned the salute. It is small acts like this which endear him
+to all. I noticed that the Field-Marshal was not carrying his baton.
+Doubtless he did not wish to spoil its pristine freshness with the mud of
+the roads.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OF COURSE.--A friend in the Guards tells me that the new food restrictions
+do not affect the men in the trenches very seriously. Our brave soldiers
+are so inured to hardships by now that they willingly forgo seven-course
+dinners.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT STARVING.--While on the subject of food, the picture published on page
+6 of to-day's issue refutes the idea that the Hun is starving. It
+represents the KAISER looking at some pigs. The KAISER can be distinguished
+by a x.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONS FOR MEN.--Now that mid-winter is with us it is quite a common
+event to meet fur-clad denizens of the firing line. Some of the new
+season's coats are the last word in chic, one which I noticed yesterday
+made of black goat, having pockets of seal coney with collar and cuffs of
+civet. The wearer's feet were encased in the latest style of gum boots,
+reaching to the thigh and fastening with a buckle. These are being worn
+loose round the ankle. A green steel helmet, draped in sandbag material,
+completed the costume. The field service cap was not being worn inside the
+helmet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NUMBER NINE.--The Army doctors, so it seems, do not fully understand the
+delicate constitution of a friend of mine in the Blues, and sent him back
+to duty after dosing him with medicine, though he is suffering from pain in
+the foot. The medicine generally takes the form of a "Number Nine," the
+pill that cures all ills; but last time he went on sick parade they were
+out of stock, and he was given two "Number Fours" and a "Number One"
+instead. Rough-and-ready pharmacy. What?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPIRITED.--Met my old chum, Sir William ----, just back from the trenches.
+Dear old Billy, what cigars he used to smoke in the good old days! He tells
+me that when on a carrying fatigue the other night one of his men dropped
+the earthenware receptacle which contains Tommy's greatest consolation in
+this terrible war, and every drop of the precious liquid was spilt. Five
+minutes later a Jack Johnson landed beside him and put things right. _It
+gave him a rum jar_. Good, eh?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE TO LUNCH.--I am just off to lunch with my old pal, the Hon. Adolphus
+Lawrie-Carr, of the Motor Transport Section of the A.S.C. I have never seen
+him look better than he does now, in hunting stock and field boots, crop
+and spurs. He always gives one a first-class meal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT PUSH.--I had a most interesting conversation the other day with
+Alphonse, late of the Saveloy. He is on the G.H.Q. Staff in a position of
+high trust--something to do with the culinary arrangements, I believe--and
+is, of course, in the know. From what he told me confidentially I can
+assure all my countless readers that there will be fighting on the Western
+Front during 1917, and, in the words of Mr. Hilary Bullox, "If it is not
+prolonged until next year, the present year will certainly see the end of
+the War." More I cannot divulge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Cautious Contemporaries.
+
+    "What can be said with truth is that business in the New Loan for the
+    first two days is easily AZ per cent. better for new money than for the
+    same period on the occasion of the last loan."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ANCIENT ORDER OF HIBERNIANS.
+
+    State President Fee has requisitioned a large supply of stationery; he
+    announces that he will at once begin an active canvas of the State to
+    revive old divisions and organize new ones."--_Texas Newspaper_.
+
+Just as if he were at home in dear old Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Athens, Wednesday.
+
+    The ex-Premiers who were consulted yesterday by the iKng, were
+    unanimously of opinion that the Entente Note was not yesterday by the
+    King were unanimously as its acceptance would imply that Greece
+    contemplated an attack on General Sarrail's rear."--_Continental Daily
+    Mail_.
+
+Yet there are some people who complain that the situation in Greece is not
+entirely clear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE APPLE OF DISCORD.
+
+AUSTRIA. "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?"
+
+GERMANY. "SPOILS OF ROUMANIA."
+
+AUSTRIA. "WELL, IF IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH TO SPLIT YOU MIGHT LET US HAVE THE
+CORE."
+
+GERMANY. "'THERE AIN'T GOING TO BE NO CORE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WAY NOT TO PAY OLD DEBTS.
+
+"Hullo, old thing!" said Herbert gloomily; "lots of Congrats. Lucky devil,
+you," and he sighed unobtrusively.
+
+I had forgotten that once upon a time Adela had refused to walk out with
+Herbert because of his puttees, which she said were so original that they
+distracted her attention from the way he proposed.
+
+Remembering this now, I offered my cousin a sympathetic cigarette, which
+he, shaking himself free from care, accepted; after which he began to
+borrow ten pounds--an achievement which, I am proud to say, cost him nearly
+twenty minutes' hard labour.
+
+Not so very long afterwards Adela and I had a honeymoon, followed by a
+picture-postcard from Herbert. He said he was sorry he hadn't been there to
+throw boots at us, but he was convalescing on the Cornish Riviera, the
+exact spot being marked with a cross; also one could not send money by
+postcard, but I was not to think he was forgetting about that fiver he had
+borrowed.
+
+The first part of this document caused Adela to wonder vaguely if wounded
+officers ought to convalesce in chimney-pots, but the last words gave me
+some twinges of a more sincere alarm. Was Herbert's delusion a permanency,
+or merely a slip of the pen?
+
+"Adela," I decided, "let's ask Herbert to dinner as soon as ever he leaves
+the roofs of the British Riviera."
+
+Then one day, when I was writing letters in the Mess, he strolled in.
+"Hullo!" he said, "where's the C.O.? What?... Oh, thanks awfully, and ...
+Oh, I say, good Lord! I owe you three quid, don't I?" and he drifted out
+abstractedly.
+
+"Three!" I echoed dizzily, as the door banged. I staggered home for the
+week-end.
+
+I found Adela having an excited conversation with the telephone in the
+hall.
+
+"Ooo!" she said, hanging up the receiver, "Herbert's a hero. He's just been
+telling me. And he's coming to dinner to-night."
+
+"I also," I responded with emotion, "have a tale to unfold," and I unfolded
+it.
+
+When at last Herbert, moving modestly under the burden of a newly acquired
+D.S.O., arrived at the flat, hospitality and an unaccustomed awe withheld
+me from referring to so sordid a matter as the inconsiderable decrease in
+my lately-invested capital. Herbert, however, deprecated heroics, and, as
+he was saying good-night, came of his own accord to the subject of debts.
+He was always a conscientious fellow.
+
+"You know, old chap," he said with charming candour, as I saw him off from
+the doorstep, "you _must_ remind me to pay up that two quid some time. I
+keep forgetting, and when I do remember, like now, I haven't any money to
+do it with. Cheero!" The door clicked and I swooned.
+
+It was very difficult; I could not even make up my mind whether my best
+policy was to stalk Herbert with vigilance or to avoid him as persistently
+as discipline allowed. On the one hand he wasn't the cheque-book kind of
+man and he wouldn't pay me unless he saw me. Contrariwise, he wouldn't even
+if he did, and whenever he saw me my original loan of ten gold sovereigns
+might continue its rapid decline. Finally I decided to abstain from his
+society.
+
+Shortly after this momentous decision the War Office sent him off to some
+remote part of the country, and for many months our financial relations
+remained unaltered--at any rate in my own estimation. He was still far away
+when Adela II arrived, so we did our best to hush her up; we thought that
+if we could smuggle her to, say, the age of ten and send her to school
+Herbert couldn't possibly come and congratulate us about her. That only
+shows how much we didn't know; for Herbert procured some leave three weeks
+later and was excitedly mounting our stairs within a few hours.
+
+"P'r'aps," whispered Adela bravely as he was being announced, "he'll forget
+about money--p'r'aps he'll even put it up a bit."
+
+I smiled cynically, and was justified ten minutes later, when Herbert's
+conscience, troubled and apologetic, reminded him about that guinea he owed
+me.
+
+At the christening it fell to half-a-quid, and, according to Herbert's
+latest allegation, it is only his rotten memory for postal-orders that
+prevents him from sending me that dollar at once.
+
+And so, precariously, the matter rested till to-day, when the final blow
+fell from the War Office. Herbert and I are to proceed to France together
+next Monday. On that day, if I am ingenious and agile enough not to meet
+him before, we ought to be about all square; after that, as far as I can
+see, there will be an inevitable moment when Herbert will turn to me with,
+"I say, old fellow, you can't let me have that ten bob you touched me for
+the other day, can you? Hate to ask you, but I haven't got a sou ..." But I
+won't--no, I won't. I will let my imaginary debt mount up, I will let it
+increase even at the rate at which Herbert's has decreased, but I will not
+pay it. Herbert, of course, will always be kind to me about it, for he is a
+generous creature; and every time we go into action he will probably wring
+my hand and beg me not to worry about it any more.
+
+"Old man," he will be saying on the twenty-ninth occasion, "if I got done
+in, promise you won't bother about that thousand pounds you owe
+me--remember you're to think of it as paid."
+
+I shall remember all right.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _N.C.O._ "HERE! JUST GRAB THE OOJAH AN' DASH ROUND TO THE
+TIDDLEY-OM-POM FOR SOME UMPTY-POO!"
+
+Private (ex-professor of languages) learns later that he was expected to
+fetch a bucket of coke from the stores.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In a corn and meal merchant's shop, where two or three cats are kept
+    for business purposes, the cats may be seen feeding at will from the
+    open sacks."--_Spectator_.
+
+This lapse on pussy's part goes rather against the grain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Barber_. "MUCH OFF, SIR?"
+
+_War Economist_. "DURATION OF WAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POLITICAL NOTES.
+
+BY OUR OWN PAIR OF LYNX.
+
+There is unfortunately no truth in the rumour that, in order to provide
+billets for 5,000 new typists, and incidentally to win the War, the
+Government has commandeered the Houses of Parliament.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The problem of the housing of the traveller-classes when all the hotels of
+London have been taken over by the Government is now occupying both the
+waking and sleeping hours (such as they are) of the War Cabinet, and a
+special department of the Intelligence Department has been created to deal
+with it on the roof of No. 10 Downing Street. It has not yet been decided
+whether all visitors to London should be sent back as soon as they arrive,
+or whether Sir JOSEPH LYONS should reap the sole benefit of their sojourn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although the proprietors of the Hotel des Ambassadeurs, Ealing, and the
+Grand Hotel Riche, Mile End, have offered the Government their premises, on
+the most advantageous terms to themselves, no arrangement has yet been
+effected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A deputation of officials recently visited the Zoo and made a number of
+measurements, but no decision has yet been reached as to whether or no it
+will be taken over for Government work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is absolutely no truth in the statement, circulated by some wholly
+frivolous or malicious person, that any of the theatres or music-halls are
+to be closed during the War in order to make space for workers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is rumoured that Mr. EDWARD MARSH may very shortly take up his duties as
+Minister of Poetry and the Fine Arts. Mr. MARSH has not yet decided whether
+he will appoint Mr. ASQUITH or Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL as his private
+secretary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Meanwhile a full list of the private secretaries of the new private
+secretaries of the members of the new Government may at any moment be
+disclosed to a long-suffering public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The latest Captain of Commerce to be diverted from his own business for the
+benefit of his country is the head of the great curl industry. He will have
+one on his sleeve, being given commissioned rank in the Navy, and his
+special duty will be the control of the waves of the Channel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the invitation of the PREMIER, whose summons came to him just as he was
+entering his car bound for Pall Mall, Mr. HARVEY TATE has agreed to accept
+the portfolio of the Ministry of Road Traffic. Mr. TATE'S long experience
+as a motorist and familiarity with all the difficulties of motoring qualify
+him peculiarly for this post. One of his first tasks will be to inquire
+fully into the charges against the taxi varlet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In spite of all rumours to the contrary, Lord NORTHCLIFFE will remain
+outside the new Government, but his interest in it is, at present,
+friendly. It is very well understood, however, that everyone must behave;
+for his Lordship, in one of his rare intervals of expansion, has been heard
+to remark that there are as good fish in the sea as ever came out of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Bishop of Winchester proposes to cultivate the park round big
+    Palace at Fulham."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.
+
+The Bishop of LONDON will, no doubt, return the compliment at Farnham.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WARS OF THE PAST.
+
+(_As recorded in the Press of the period._)
+
+VII.
+
+_From "Tempora" (Rome)._
+
+Admittedly, the peril is extreme. Crustumerium has fallen, and also Ostia.
+However, Janiculum, the key to the whole outer system of the City's
+defences, still stands, and there is accordingly no immediate cause for
+dismay. But we are strongly of the opinion--so rapid has been LARS
+PORSENA'S advance hitherto--that the bridge over the Tiber should be at
+once destroyed as a precautionary measure while there is yet time. We have
+every confidence in the continued capacity for resistance of the strong
+garrison at Janiculum, but it is necessary to be prepared for every
+eventuality; and if the fortress _should_ fall without the bridge being
+demolished the latter would inevitably be seized by the enemy, and the
+Tiber, our last line of defence, would be lost to us.
+
+For the rest, the spirit of the people is excellent. It has become almost a
+truism to say that nowadays none is for a party, but all are for the State.
+Rich and poor have learned to help and respect each other. Indeed, in these
+brave days Romans, in Rome's quarrel, have poured out blood and treasure
+unsparingly for the common cause. We are like a nation of brothers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Placard of "Hesperus" (Special Phosphorus Edition)_:--
+
+FALL
+
+OF
+
+JANICULUM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Hesperus" (Noon Edition)._
+
+SWIFT ADVANCE OF THE ENEMY.
+
+WAR COUNCIL MEETS.
+
+HORATIUS TO HOLD BRIDGE-HEAD.
+
+CAN THE BRIDGE BE DESTROYED IN TIME?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Secretary to the Senate announces_:
+
+"The War Council met at the River Gate immediately on receipt of the news
+of the fall of Janiculum. It was decided to accept the offer of
+Port-Captain HORATIUS (S.P.Q.R.'s Own), SPURIUS LARTIUS (Ramnian Regt.),
+and HERMINIUS ("Titian Toughs"), who gallantly volunteered to hold the
+bridge-head in order to give time for the bridge itself to be destroyed.
+All hope of saving the town should not therefore be abandoned."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From our Special Correspondent._
+
+I have just returned from the River Gate, where I was, I believe, the first
+to applaud one of the Patres Conscripti (commanding the Axe-and-Crowbar
+Volunteers), who set a fine example by actually starting on the demolition
+of the bridge himself. Already you could see the Tuscan hordes in the
+swarthy dust that shrouded the Western horizon. I was myself in a position
+to pick out ASTUR, who was girt with the brand which (I am informed by a
+high authority) none but he can wield. There is no need to describe to you
+the firmament-rending yell that rose when the presence of the false and
+shameful SEXTUS was officially notified. One saw women who hissed and even
+expectorated in his direction, and more than one child, I noticed, shook
+its small fist at him with splendid spirit....
+
+I am told that HORATIUS spoke out pretty plainly to the Senate, expressing
+the opinion that three men could easily hold the bridge-head. The gallant
+officer, interviewed while he was in the act of tightening his harness,
+declined to say much, merely expressing the opinion that everyone has got
+to die some time and that there was, after all, some satisfaction in being
+killed in a fight against odds. I confess I was favourably impressed by the
+very nonchalance of his attitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Stop Press News._
+
+LARTIUS BEAT AUNUS. HERMINIUS BEAT SEIUS. HORATIUS BEAT PICUS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Hesperus" (Fourth Edition)._
+
+BRIDGE-HEAD STILL HELD.
+
+DEATH OF ASTUR.
+
+UNFORTUNATE MISHAP TO A LICTOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Secretary to the Senate announces_:
+
+"Latest advices show that HORATIUS has despatched ASTUR, and, though
+slightly wounded in this encounter, has been able to keep his place in the
+line. The bridge head is still being held and there is now a pause in the
+fighting. The total enemy casualties up to the present are estimated at:
+_Killed_, 7; _Wounded_, 0; _Missing_, 0. Our own casualties are: _Killed_,
+0; _Wounded_, 1; _Missing_, 0. A regrettable incident took place during the
+demolition of the bridge, a Lictor having sliced himself with one of his
+own axes and being compelled to relinquish his valuable labours."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+(_Stop-Press News_.)
+
+HORATIUS CUT OFF.
+
+The bridge has been successfully destroyed shortly after the skilful
+withdrawal of LARTIUS and HERMINIUS in the face of the enemy. We greatly
+regret to add that HORATIUS is missing, I having failed to make good his
+retreat with his comrades, and must be regarded as lost.--(_Official_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Hesperus" (Special Home Edition)._
+
+HORATIUS SAFE.
+
+HOW HE SWAM THE RIVER.
+
+(_By our Special Correspondent._)
+
+HORATIUS, the only one of the "dauntless three" (as they have been already
+named) about whose safety doubts were entertained, has swum the river and
+is safe. I saw him, when the bridge fell, standing alone, but obviously
+with all his wits about him, despite the ninety thousand foes before and
+the broad flood behind. When he turned round he might have seen, I believe,
+from where he was standing (just where, on other occasions, I have stood
+myself) the white porch of his home. His lips parted as if in prayer. The
+next moment, pausing only to sheathe his ensanguined sword, he took a
+graceful dive into the river.
+
+Some moments of terrible tension ensued. When at last his head appeared
+above the surges, a cry of indescribable rapture went up, and I am happy to
+place on record the fact that I distinctly detected a note of generous
+cheering from the Tuscan ranks.
+
+But all was not yet over. The current ran fiercely, swollen high by months
+of rain. Often I thought him sinking--and indeed nearly sent in a message
+to that effect--but still again he rose. Never, I think, did any swimmer in
+like circumstances perform such a remarkable feat of natation. But at
+length he felt the bottom, was helped ashore by myself and the Senate, and
+was carried shoulder-high through the River Gate. I understand that some
+special recognition is to be made of his splendid feat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Rome Chat."_
+
+Our frontispiece this week is a family group of brave Captain HORATIUS,
+together with the tender mother who (formerly) dandled him to rest, and his
+wife, who, it will be noticed, is nursing his youngest baby. We are glad to
+hear that, in conformity with the principle of settling our gallant
+soldiers on the land, a goodly tract is to be given to this popular hero.
+The story of how he held the bridge-head will certainly afford a stirring
+tale for the home-circle for a long time to come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LUMME! THIS IS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, I DON'T THINK. ME
+A-VOLUNTEERIN' FOR INFANTRY, GOIN' RIGHT THROUGH ME TRAININ', AN' NAH THEY
+MAKES A BLOOMIN' LANCER OF ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'EAD-WORK.
+
+Bob Winter is our local carrier. His old grey mare Molly--or a predecessor
+very like her, driven by Bob's father before him--has jogged into town on
+market days as long as anyone in the village can remember. The
+weather-beaten, oft-patched tilt of Bob's cart must have heard in its day
+generations of village gossip, and a mere inspection of the cargo on the
+flap which lets down at the back will provide quite an amount of
+interesting information, such as "whose new housemaid's tin trunk be
+a-goin' to station already, lookee, and who be a-getten a new tyre to ees
+bicycle--see."
+
+Now, however, there is a likelihood that Bob may be called up; and the fate
+of the carrying business hangs in the balance.
+
+"Never mind, Bob," I said (I had overtaken him and old Molly sauntering up
+the steep hill above the village); "if it comes to that, you know, the
+women-folk will have to take turns at the carrying while you are away. I
+believe I should make rather a good carrier."
+
+Bob shook his head and looked evasive.
+
+"No, Miss," he said, "'twuddn' do, 'twuddn' do at all."
+
+"Come," I said, "you don't mean to say Molly would be too much for me?"
+
+"No, Miss, 'tain't Molly, but--well, 'tain't no job for a lady, ain't the
+carryin'; leastways, not to my way o' thinkin'."
+
+"Oh, but I should get the people at the shops to help me with the heavy
+things."
+
+Bob cleared his throat loudly and looked more uncomfortable still. Then at
+last he decided to take the plunge.
+
+"'Tain't the liftin' that do be troublin' I, Miss," he said confidentially,
+"'tis the 'ead-work. I don't believe there be a wumman livin' could do it.
+There be a tur'ble lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business. Why, I do
+think--think--think mornen till night, till what wi' one thing an' what wi'
+another thing I'm sure there's times when I don't know if I be on my 'ead
+or my 'eels. Why, I've seen the time when I've a-comed in and I've a-set
+down and I've a-said to Missis, 'No, Missis, I don't want no tea; I don't
+want nothen only to set quiet, for I be just about tired out with that
+there thinkin'.'
+
+"There be such a sight o' things you do have to remember, lookee. What wi'
+the grocer, an' what wi' the draper, an' folks's parcels to leave an'
+folks's parcels to call for, an' picken up here an' setten down
+there--well, a woman's brain ain't strong enough for it, leastways not to
+my way o' thinkin'....
+
+"Well, now, if I ain't a-gone an' forgot to call at old Mrs. Pettigrew's
+for her subscription for to get made up at the chemist's! There, now, Miss,
+don't that just show how you do 'ave to kip on thinkin' all the time, else
+you be just about sure to forget somethin' or another? Oh yes, there be a
+smartish lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business, an' no mistake!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Enviable Post.
+
+From a list of the new Government:--
+
+    "Chancellor of the Ducky of Lancaster: Sir Frederick Cawley."--_Star_
+    (_Johannesburg_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Man, to drive horse and make himself generally useful in nursery."--
+    _Provincial Press_.
+
+No doubt a rocking-horse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a New Zealand diocesan magazine:--
+
+    "Owing to the continued illness of the Vicar, which we trust is
+    reaching its last stage, the services of the Church have been conducted
+    by the following," etc.
+
+The Vicar, we understand, thinks this might have been more tactfully
+worded.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Long-suffering Wife_ (_to amateur politician_). "OH, ALL
+RIGHT. DON'T KEEP 'OLLERIN' AT ME ABOUT THE WAR AND THE GOVER'MENT! WHO DO
+YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO--LORD DEVUMPORK?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PURIFIED PRUSSIAN.
+
+[Writing in _Die Woche_ a well-known Baroness, a leader of Berlin society,
+discusses the transformation and purification of Berlin conviviality by the
+War. Social functions accompanied by eating have altogether ceased and
+given way to more refined gatherings--æsthetic afternoon teas and elegant
+evening parties--at which the conversation reaches heights of brilliancy
+unheard of in the old carnivorous days. Unhappily snobbery still prevails,
+"every class pretending to be richer and better than they are--small
+officials, officers, landowners, all pretending to be millionaires, and
+doing their pretension shabbily."]
+
+  One of the leading Prussian social stars
+    Opines that War, although it makes for leanness,
+  Not only banishes discordant jars
+    And purifies Berlin of all uncleanness,
+  But places her, beatified by Mars,
+    Upon a pinnacle of mental keenness,
+  Changing the cult of trencher and of bowl
+  To feasts of reason and o'erflows of soul.
+
+  The gross carnivorous orgies of the past
+    Have gone, and in their place is something finer;
+  Emotions of a transcendental cast
+    Preoccupy the luncher and the diner;
+  The Hun, in short, by being forced to fast,
+    Has grown ethereal, more alert, diviner;
+  And, purged of all incentive to frivolity,
+  His speech has almost lost its guttural quality.
+
+  His talk, of old to stodginess inclined,
+    Now sparkles with consistent coruscation,
+  Attaining heights of mirth and wit combined
+    Unknown to any previous generation,
+  But always exquisitely pure, refined
+    And spiritual, as befits the nation
+  In which the nicer touch was never missing
+  Down from great FREDERICK to blameless BISSING.
+
+  'Tis easy, though the writer does not tell,
+    To guess the themes which prompt the brightest sallies;
+  Louvain; the _Lusitania_; Nurse CAVELL--
+    With these Hun wit most delicately dallies;
+  The wreck of Reims; the Prussic acid shell;
+    The desolation of Armenia's valleys;
+  The toll of Belgian infants slain ere birth--
+  All these excite Berlin's ecstatic mirth.
+
+  And yet a slight _amari aliquid_
+    Is mingled with this lady's honeyed phrases;
+  Berlin society is not yet rid
+    Of one of its less admirable phases;
+  There is, in other words, one fly amid
+    The precious ointment of the writer's praises;
+  In every class are those who ape the airs
+  Of the superior nobs and millionaires.
+
+  But still, when all reserves are duly made
+    For negligible faults in tact or breeding,
+  The picture by this noble scribe displayed
+    Of high-browed Hundom makes impressive reading;
+  For homage to convivial needs is paid
+    Without the faintest risk of over-feeding,
+  And, braced by frugal fare, the Prussian brain
+  Soars to a perfectly celestial plane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I AM THE MAN."
+
+["What is wanted is a moral deed, to free the world ... from the pressure
+which weighs upon all. For such a deed it is necessary to find a ruler who
+has a conscience.... I have the courage."--_Extract of letter from the
+GERMAN KAISER to his Chancellor, dated October 31st, 1916, and recently
+published in "The North German Gazette."_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ADVANTAGE OF A SCIENTIFIC EDUCATION.
+
+_Drawing Mistress_ (_to member of class that has been told to draw some
+object of natural history_). "NOW, JAMES, THAT IS NAUGHTY. WHY HAVEN'T YOU
+DONE A NATURAL HISTORY SUBJECT?"
+
+_James_. "BUT I HAVE. I'VE DRAWN THE RED CORPUSCLES IN THE BLOOD OF A
+FROG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FLEETING DETACHMENT.
+
+Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.), stepped off the footboard of X.33, a
+mediæval Vanguard, and splashed his way round to the driver. "I'm fair sick
+o' this 'ere Flanders, I am," he complained, expectorating dolorously into
+the sea of mud; "'spose it 'ull be up to the blinkin' axles before
+February?" He stirred the mixture with a cautious foot.
+
+"Not 'arf, ole sport," replied the driver, carefully unsticking a cigarette
+from his underlip. "But yer ought to 'ave bin out larst winter, then yer
+did 'ave to sit above yerself to keep yer tootsies dry."
+
+"Wot--wuss than this?" exclaimed the disconsolate one.
+
+"Wuss!" was the withering retort. "Wy, when I tells yer that some o' them
+Naval 'Umming-birds, t'other side o' Popinjay, fitted out an ole Blue
+'Ammersmith with a pair o' propellers ... Wuss!" He exhaled scornfully and
+gave a turn to the lubricator.
+
+"Any chance o' getting down Vermelly way? They say it ain't 'arf bad
+there." Albert brightened up at the thought.
+
+"'Tain't likely," was the sharp and unsympathetic reply. "'Oo do yer
+think's goin' ter do this little job if they takes our lot away? Wy, this
+'ere road is just like 'Igh 'Olborn to me; I knows all the 'umps and
+'ollows blindfold."
+
+Albert returned to the stern sheets and considered the most feasible method
+of desertion.
+
+Half-an-hour later, when the daylight had gone, X.33, generously
+over-flowing with a detachment of the 20th Mudlarkers, was, in company with
+many other vehicles, making her inharmonious way along the "Wipers" road.
+Judging from the plunginess of her progress and the fluent language of the
+man of oil, it was evident that some of the "'umps and 'ollows" had passed
+from the driver's memory. Not that such a slight matter could damp the
+spirits of the passengers. Rather it served to entertain them.
+
+"We '_ave_ gone an' fallen out of the dress-circle this time," a voice
+exclaimed after an extra steep dive into a badly-filled shell crater.
+
+Albert, wet and unsociable, hung gloomily on to the back rail.
+
+"Carn't see wot they got to be so blinkin' 'appy abart," he muttered
+savagely; "I don't believe it's 'arf bad in them trenches." He ruminated
+bitterly on the thought that his job was probably the worst one on the
+whole front, and made a resolve to put the matter right.
+
+When the final stopping-place had been reached and the 20th Mudlarkers,
+after the usual indescribable mêlée, had been put upon the path that would
+ultimately lead them (if they were fortunate enough to avoid all guides,
+philosophers and friends) to their trench, the man of oil was profanely
+grieved to discover that Albert Snape had abandoned X33 for the unknown.
+
+As a matter of fact Albert had slipped away and followed the Mudlarkers,
+with a hazy idea that a rifle would fortuitously present itself. That an
+extra unit could possibly be noticed never occurred to him. He had a vague
+intention of joining a cavalry regiment. Very soon he lost the Mudlarkers,
+and then, by an easy sequence of events, himself.
+
+"Wha goes there?" whispered a hoarse voice almost in his ear. It gave him
+quite an unpleasant start, but, suppressing his first inspiration, which
+was to say the Life Guards, he answered, "I'm a Mudlarker!"
+
+"This iss the Seaforths in supporrt," remarked the sentry; "ye'll be in the
+firrst line, na doot. Ye'll hae to go back, an' it's the firrst turnin' tae
+the left, an' keep as strecht as ye can." The Highlander stepped back into
+the deeper shadows and the self-recruited Mudlarker continued his career.
+
+He traversed what seemed to him an interminable number of trenches without
+encountering anyone. There was a reason for this lack of companionship, but
+it did not at first appeal to his imagination. Suddenly he was startled by
+the vicious "phut, phut, phut" of unpleasantly close shooting, and bullets
+began to splash and grease along the bottom of the trench, accompanied by
+the stutter of a machine gun.
+
+Miraculously untouched, he slid over the parados and lay, sweating with
+fright, in the watery furrow of a turnip field.
+
+The trench was one that was seldom used, being thoroughly exposed to
+enfilading fire. At stated periods through the night a machine gun was
+turned on, a proceeding which, beyond gratifying the Huns, had no sort of
+effect. Albert, in blissful ignorance of all such customs, floundered about
+amongst the turnips until he came across a Jack Johnson crater. From this
+he emerged even wetter than before. A little later he became mixed up with
+some barbed wire. The more be tried to get away the more inextricably he
+became involved with it. A star shell burst overhead, and a German sniper,
+seizing the chance of a lifetime, put in four rounds rapid fire.
+
+Albert lost the lobe of an ear and had his breeches shot through, but he
+managed to escape from the wire and find another furrow. Mere dampness no
+longer inconvenienced him, there were so many other things to think about.
+He crawled stealthily on his hands and knees and found the barbed wire
+again. At length he heard the welcome sound of voices. He crawled faster
+until he became aware that the voices were not speaking English, This
+discovery turned him to stone. For an hour--perhaps two hours--he remained
+as still as a hare in its form.
+
+Suddenly, blurred and crouching figures appeared out of the night. They
+moved quickly and silently. One of them nearly trod upon his hand, but he
+was too dazed to think of committing himself to either speech or action.
+
+"Give it 'em!" cried a voice a few seconds later, and the roar of the
+exploding bombs signified that it had been given.
+
+Instantly pandemonium broke loose. Machine gun and rapid rifle fire burst
+forth from the German front trenches, and streams of bullets swept over the
+intervening ground like a gigantic hail-storm; then some field batteries
+began to burst H.E. shrapnel above the disturbed area, while star shells
+and magnesium flares threw an uneven light over the whole scene.
+
+A breathless body cast itself down beside the now completely mesmerised
+Albert: "We ain't 'arf upset the blinkin' beehive. Lumme! it's--"
+
+The prone figure suddenly became silent, gave a convulsive kick or two and
+rolled over towards the man who still lived.
+
+It was sufficient. Something seemed to draw very tense in Albert's brain
+and his body reeled into action.
+
+Blindly and without coherent thought he ran shouting across the field,
+stumbling and falling over the slippery and uneven surface, but always
+picking himself up and flinging his body onward into the unknown.
+
+A subaltern, who was examining a luminous watch, received him at the charge
+as he fell into an English first-line trench. They struggled wildly
+together in the mud to the accompaniment of startling language on the part
+of the subaltern.
+
+Then Albert, having reached his limit of endurance, had the supreme tact to
+faint.
+
+A little later, in a well-found dug-out, the patient was refreshing himself
+with copious draughts of brandy.
+
+"Who are you, and what the devil are you doing here?" asked the still
+indignant officer.
+
+Albert did not hesitate longer than it takes to swallow.
+
+"Lorst me way, I 'ave, Sir. I'm with X 33, attached to Mechanical
+Transport, an' if I ain't back pretty quick my mate 'ull fair 'ave a
+bloomin' fit."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As was predicted by the sagacious man of oil, the mud upon the ---- road is
+slowly climbing towards the axles, but in spite of this and sundry other
+drawbacks it would be hard to find a more contented spirit than that of
+Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIONS AT PLAY.
+
+BY A SUBALTERN.
+
+The Colonel rustles his newspaper, smites it into shape with a mighty fist,
+rips it across in a futile endeavour to fold it accurately, and, casting it
+furiously aside in a crumpled mass, says, after the manner of all true War
+Lords, "Umph." Whereupon the Ante-Room as one man takes cover.
+
+The Colonel then turns cumbrously in his chair, permitting his eye to rove
+round the room in search of the unwary prey. He smiles cynically at the
+intense concentration of the Auction parties; winces at the renewed and
+unnatural efforts of those who make music; glares unamiably at the feverish
+book-worms, and suddenly breaks into little chuckles of satisfaction. The
+Ante-Room peers cautiously round to discover the identity of the
+unfortunate victim, and chuckles in its turn. The Adjutant, checked in his
+stealthy retreat, hastens back, arranges the table and chess-board, pokes
+the fire with unnecessary energy, and sits down. At once the Ante-Room
+abandons its cover.
+
+The Colonel begins by grasping the box, turning it upside down, and
+spilling the contents over the sides of the table. The Adjutant immediately
+apologises for his clumsiness. The Colonel then liberally spreads out the
+pieces, selects two pawns, and offers the Adjutant the choice of two fists.
+The Adjutant chooses. Each fist opens to disclose a white pawn. The
+Colonel's expansive smile over his little joke quickly turns to a frown at
+the Adjutant's exaggerated laughter. He suspects the Adjutant. He seizes
+two more pieces, offers his opponent another choice, but, to the latter's
+huge delight and his own discomfiture, eventually discovers that both are
+black. He accordingly makes use of his casting vote and selects white.
+
+The Colonel plays a smashing game. When it is his turn to move he never
+pauses to make up his mind. His mind is already made up. All he has to do,
+immediately the Adjutant has finished touching up his position, is to move
+the piece his eye has been piercing throughout the long period of his
+opponent's cautious deliberation. When the Colonel moves a piece he may be
+said to get there. All obstructions are ruthlessly swept aside with a
+callous indifference to Hague Conventions. Should a knight haply descend
+from the clouds and settle on the correct square it arrives more by luck
+than judgment. Tradition alleges that whenever the Colonel is called upon
+to move his king in the earlier stages of the game all lights are turned
+off from the neighbouring town in accordance with the Defence of the Realm
+Regulations. However true this may be--the responsibility rests on the
+Padre's capable shoulders--when his king is moved in the later stages the
+Colonel pushes it along by half-squares in a haphazard and preoccupied
+manner. He invariably fills his pipe when the end is in sight, but leaves
+it unlighted so that he may cover his ultimate defeat by a general
+demolition of matches.
+
+On this occasion the Adjutant skilfully snipes the Colonel's queen in the
+sixth move. The Colonel immediately retrieves the piece from the box, asks
+where it was before, examines it with the essence of loathing and revolt,
+removes it out of his sight, and refuses to take it back, although he had
+mistaken it for another piece. In retaliation he proceeds to concentrate
+all his effectives on his opponent's queen, and, after sacrificing the
+flower of his forces, drives the attack home and gains his objective with
+the greatest enthusiasm. He remarks that the capture was costly, but that
+honour is satisfied, and would the waiter kindly approach within ear-shot?
+
+While the Adjutant is working up his offensive on the Colonel's right
+flank, the Colonel himself is making independent sallies on the left,
+unless, of course, he is compelled to march his king out of a congested
+district into more open country. On the rare occasions when he is at a loss
+for a moment what to do he makes it a practice to move a pawn one square in
+order to gain time. By this method, unexpectedly but none the less
+jubilantly, he recovers his queen--only to see it laid low again by
+enfilading fire from a perfectly obvious redoubt.
+
+After twenty minutes of battle the Colonel's area becomes positively
+draughty, and the sole survivors of his dashing but sanguinary
+counter-attack, the king and two pawns, have assumed the bored and callous
+air of a remnant that has fought too long and is called upon to fight
+again. The Colonel has just unceremoniously pushed his sovereign to the
+rear with a flick of his nervous irritated little finger. His opponent can
+obviously bring him to his knees in two moves. Instead of which the
+Adjutant brazenly commences with massed bands and colours flying to execute
+a masterly tactical advance with the whole of his command--cavalry,
+infantry, church and tanks, in order to achieve the destruction of the two
+bantam bodyguards.
+
+This is not playing the game, and the Colonel fumes inwardly and frets
+outwardly. In the intervals of pressing down the unlit tobacco in his pipe
+with an oscillating thumb, he alternately pokes his king out of the corner
+and pulls it back again; while his transparent impulse is to scrap the
+board, wreck the ante-room and run amok. The Adjutant continues his
+innocent amusement until at last the pleasure wanes. The two heroic pawns
+are carried decently off, and he apologetically whispers his suspicions of
+a checkmate to his commanding officer.
+
+The Colonel brushes aside the Mess President's tinder-lighter, shatters the
+mute triumph of the serried black ranks of the hostile forces with one
+superb elevation of the eyebrows, smashes three matches in quick
+succession, and proves that all the time his mind has been preoccupied with
+weightier matters by saying after the manner of all true War Lords, "Umph."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tube Conductor_. "PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE! PASS
+FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE!! (_In desperation_) ANY LADY OR GENTLEMAN
+PRESENT KNOW THE GERMAN FOR 'PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sweetness and Light.
+
+  O MATTHEW ARNOLD! you were right:
+  We need  more  Sweetness  and more Light;
+  For till we break the brutal foe
+  Our sugar's short, our lights are low.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LUCID EXPLANATION.
+
+It was my task to collect from their relatives particulars as to the
+whereabouts of the wounded of our neighbourhood, for the purposes of our
+local report. It wanted five minutes to twelve, the sacred dinner-hour of
+the British artisan, and one name remained upon my list, against which was
+a pencilled note, "Reported returning home." Did that mean that he was
+disabled? And should I manage to gather the necessary information before
+the clock struck?
+
+I knocked at the door, which was opened by a woman wearing a canvas apron
+with a very tight string, her head surmounted by hair-curlers and a cloth
+cap.
+
+"Yes, thanking you kindly," she replied in answer to my question, "me son
+'_as_ been wounded. 'Eard of it from the War Office. This war's a shocking
+business."
+
+I expressed my sympathy and asked for particulars.
+
+"Yer see, he was at Gallipoli."
+
+"At Gallipoli? Then it must have been some time ago? I understood--"
+
+"It was this way. Me son, 'e ses to me, 'Mother,' 'e says, 'don't you
+worry, but I've had a toe took off.' 'E never was one to put up a great
+shout 'bout hisself, nor nothink of that. They took 'im down to their base
+'ospital. Leeharver's the name. Perhaps you know it?"
+
+I cast my mind over the Ægean Islands, from which Mudros sprang up very
+large, and everything else sank into oblivion. "I'm afraid I don't," I
+owned apologetically.
+
+"Thought perhaps you might. L-E first word, H-A-V-R-E second--Leeharver."
+
+"Oh-h, to be sure, Le Havre. I mean--yes, now you mention it, I think I
+have heard of it. And is your son still there?"
+
+Me son, 'e ses the vermin there was something shocking, and they spent all
+their spare time 'unting theirselves."
+
+"What? _not_ in the hospital? Oh, I see; you mean in the trenches."
+
+"And 'im," she continued, not noticing my remark, 'and 'im that partic'lar
+'bout 'is linen; couldn't use a 'andkerchief not unless it was spotless;
+must 'av a clean one every Sunday as reg'lar as the week come round. It do
+seem 'ard, don't it? They've pinched his sweater too. S'pose I shall 'av to
+get 'im another, s'pose I shall; but it's a job to know how to get along
+these times. And now margarine's up this week, that's the latest."
+
+"But your son," I ventured tentatively--"is his foot still bad?"
+
+"Oh, 'is _foot's_ right enough. It's 'is teeth that's the worry. 'E ses to
+me, 'Mother,' he ses, 'afore I can do any good I must 'ave me teeth seen
+to.' Oh, this fighting's cruel work!"
+
+Could he have been wounded in the jaw? The thought was horrible, but I
+remarked with affected cheerfulness, "Well, come, anyhow he is able to
+write."
+
+"Oh, 'e can _write_ right enough--got the prize at school for 'rithmatic,
+'e did."
+
+"Yes, but I mean if he is able to write he can't be so very bad."
+
+"Oh, 'e didn't _write_ that. That was August come a twelvemonth. The very
+first thing they done to him was to take out pretty near 'alf 'is teeth.
+The military authorities do pull you about something shocking."
+
+"And where did he go after Hav--after Leehar--I mean after the hospital?" I
+was getting rather bewildered.
+
+"Oh, 'e went to the War right enough; but 'is digestion's that bad. They
+said 'e'd feel a lot better once 'is teeth was was out, but 'e ses,
+'Mother,' 'e ses, 'you want a mouth full of teeth to eat this bullet beef
+what they give us.' Next thing was they set him to drive them machines."
+
+"What machines would those be?" I asked, groping for a little light.
+
+"Why, them motors as they use out there. 'E got meddling with one of 'em,
+and it was the nearest thing 'e didn't 'ave 'is 'and in a jelly; the
+machine didn't act proper, or somethink o' that."
+
+"And do you mean that his hand was injured?"
+
+"Not as I've 'eard on," came the prompt reply.
+
+"Well, but I thought you said your son _had_ been wounded."
+
+"Ah, yes, that was 'is toe, yer see; sent 'im down to the base 'ospital,
+Leeharver."
+
+"Yes, you told me that; but I heard he might be coming home. I was afraid
+perhaps he was disabled."
+
+"That's right. 'E's coming 'ome right enough. Ought to be 'ere in 'bout
+five minutes. 'Ope 'is dinner 'asn't spiled time I've stood 'ere talking to
+you."
+
+"Well, what _is_ the matter with him then?" I asked desperately.
+
+"Dunno there's anything partic'lar wrong with 'im. 'E's going to get
+married to-morrer, if that's what you mean. 'Ope it won't be the beginning
+of fresh troubles for 'im. But you never know what's coming next."
+
+I agreed that you never did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ELLO, WOT'S THE MATTER WITH 'IM?"
+
+"SHELL SHOCK, I RECKON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.
+
+III.
+
+Jerry, my lad,--We have lost a dear friend, and with him, alas, the piping
+days of peace. No, he is not dead, or even moribund, but his friendship for
+us lives no longer. His name is Feodor, and he is a Bulgar comitadjus, or
+whatever is the singular of "comitadji," and he lived until lately in No. 2
+Dugout, Hyde Park, just over the way.
+
+It is a moot point which delighted us the more, Feodor's charming manner or
+his exquisite trousers. These two characteristics were the more pleasing
+because of their perfect contrast; for whereas his manner was refined and
+retiring, his trousers were distinctly aggressive in their flaunting
+shameless redness.
+
+Feodor's appearances were at first spasmodic. This was only natural, seeing
+that he had not yet instilled into us his own attractive habit of _laisser
+aller_ and _laisser faire_, and that his red trousers offered such a
+beautiful mark.
+
+He would appear suddenly, smile seraphically towards us, and then disappear
+before our snipers could get on to him. At first of course we tried to pot
+him, but gradually our ferocity gave way to amazement and then to
+tolerance. At last came a day when Feodor climbed on to his parapet and
+made us a pretty little speech. We cheered him loudly, although we didn't
+understand much of it. Next day we brought down an interpreter and asked
+Feodor for an encore. His second performance was even more spirited than
+the first, and after a graceful vote of thanks to our benefactor we asked
+the interpreter to oblige.
+
+It appeared that from his boyhood Feodor had been apprenticed to an
+assistant piano-tuner in Varna. Rosy days of rapid promotion followed, and
+the boy, completely wrapped up in his profession, soon became a deputy
+assistant piano-tuner. Then followed the old, old story of vaulting
+ambition.
+
+The youth, his head turned by material success, sought to consolidate his
+social position by a marriage above his station, and dared to aspire to the
+hand of a full piano-tuner's daughter.
+
+The old man tried gentle dissuasion at first, but the obstinate pertinacity
+of the stripling made him gradually lose patience. He was a hale and hearty
+veteran, and when the situation came to a climax his method of dealing with
+it was stern and thorough.
+
+Seizing the hapless Feodor during an evening call he interned him in the
+vitals of a tuneless Baby Grand, and for three hours played on him CHOPIN'S
+polonaise in A flat major, with the loud pedal down. On his release Feodor
+had lost his reason and rushed to the nearest police-station to ask to be
+sent to the Front immediately. His object, he explained, was to end the
+War. The Bulgar authorities thought the plan worth trying and sent him off
+as a comitadjus; and to these circumstances we were indebted for his
+society.
+
+Every day we saw more and more of Feodor, and we grew to love him. As to
+sniping him now--the idea never entered our beads. Accordingly, while a
+deafening strafe proceeded daily on both sides of us, we remained in a
+state of idyllic peace and hatelessness.
+
+Then arrived the cruel day when the Brass Hats came round, and a large and
+important General asked us--
+
+"But are you being offensive enough to the enemy in front?"
+
+"Offensive to Feodor, Sir? Impossible!"
+
+"You _must_ be offensive," he rejoined. "I don't think there is sufficient
+hate in this part of the line."
+
+It was this unfortunate moment that Feodor chose to step on to his parapet
+and call out cheerfully to the Great Man--
+
+"Good morning, John_ee_!"
+
+For one tense moment I thought the General would burst. By an effort he
+pulled himself together, however, and shouted to my troops in a voice of
+thunder--
+
+"At That Person in front--fifteen rounds rapid. Fire!"
+
+We had to do it, of course, and, although I think most of our sights were a
+little high, accidents _will_ happen. Feodor emitted one unearthly shriek,
+and his time back towards home would, if it had been taken, make a world's
+championship record.
+
+I don't think he was physically hurt; but his poor trousers were badly
+punctured!...
+
+Our friend, Jerry, may not be lost, but he is certainly gone behind.
+
+  Yours always,
+  PETER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_who has been photographed for passport_). "THIS
+PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL. WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!"
+
+_Photographer_. "I'M VERY SORRY, LADY; BUT, YOU SEE, THE GOVERNMENT WON'T
+ALLOW US TO TOUCH UP ANY PASSPORT PHOTOS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "From the Pentland Firth to Norway, the eyes of the British Fleet are
+    those of Nunquam."--_Yorkshire Post_.
+
+We suppose old _Dormio_ is asleep as usual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The clergy will be pleased to hear of parishioners who are
+    sick.".--_Parish Magazine_.
+
+No doubt they mean it kindly, but it sounds rather callous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Holders of 15s. 6d. War Savings Certificates and scrip vouchers of the
+    War Loan are acceptable over the Post Office counter at their face
+    value."--_Daily News_.
+
+"'My face is my fortune, Sir,' she said."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Will anyone give 15/- and a kind home to a nice little brown miniature
+    poodle dog, 3 years, ideal pet and companion?"--_The Bazaar_.
+
+Sixpence more and the little pet could buy a War Savings Certificate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FATE OF UMBRELLAS.
+
+No. I.
+
+_From Arthur Vivian, Bury Street, St. James's, to Mrs. Morton, Dockington
+Hall, Bucks._
+
+DEAR MRS. MORTON,--Just a line to thank you very sincerely for my
+delightful visit. It was like old times to see you "all gathered together
+in hospitable Dockington and to find that the War, terrible as it is, has
+not altogether abolished pleasant human intercourse in England, in spite of
+what the Dean said. But then Deans are privileged persons.
+
+I am sorry to say, by the way, that in the hurry of departure this morning
+I took away the wrong umbrella and left my own. I am sending back the
+changeling with all proper apologies. Would you mind sending me mine? It
+has a crook handle (cane) and a plain silver band with my initials engraved
+on it. Please give my love to Harry and the children.
+
+  Yours always sincerely,
+  ARTHUR VIVIAN.
+
+
+No. II.
+
+_From the Dean of Marchester to Mrs. Morton._
+
+DEAR MRS. MORTON,--I desire to thank you for three most agreeable days
+spent in congenial company. You have indeed mastered the secret of making
+your guests feel at home, and Dockington even in war-time is still
+Dockington. Pray give my warm regards to Mr. Morton and remember me
+suitably to the dear children. I wish they wouldn't keep on growing up as
+they do; childhood is so delightful.
+
+I find to my great regret that by some inexplicable mistake I took away
+with me an umbrella that is not mine. I am sending it back to you, and
+shall be deeply beholden to you if you will pack up and send to me the one
+I left. It is an old one, recognisable by its cane handle (crook) and an
+indiarubber ring round the shaft. Pray accept my apologies for the trouble
+I am giving you.
+
+  Yours very sincerely,
+  CHARLES MELDEW.
+
+
+No. III.
+
+_From Brigadier-General Barton to his Sister, Mrs. Morton._
+
+DEAR MARY,--You gave me a capital time. There's a slight difference between
+Dockington and the trenches. I'm not as a rule a great performer with
+clergymen, but I liked your Dean. By the way, when I dashed off your man
+put somebody else's umbrella in with me, instead of my own, which is a
+natty specimen. The one I've got is an old gamp with a stout indiarubber
+ring to it. I haven't time to send it back. Every moment is taken up, as I
+cross to France to-night. Besides, how can you pack such a thing as an
+umbrella? It's much too long. Keep mine till we meet again. Best love to
+Harry and the kids.
+
+  Ever yours,
+  TOM.
+
+
+No. IV.
+
+_From Arthur Vivian to Mrs. Morton._
+
+DEAR MRS. MORTON,--I wired you this morning asking you to do nothing about
+my umbrella. The fact is I have found it at my rooms, and I am forced to
+the conclusion that I never took it with me to Dockington at all. I am
+awfully sorry to have given you all this trouble. It shall be a lesson to
+me never to take my umbrella anywhere, or rather never to think I've taken
+it, when, as a matter of fact, I haven't.
+
+  Yours always sincerely,
+  ARTHUR VIVIAN.
+
+
+No. V.
+
+_Telegram from Mrs. Morton to Arthur Vivian._
+
+ Too late. Sent off somebody's umbrella to you yesterday.
+Please return it to me.
+
+No. VI.
+
+_From Mrs. Morton to her Sister, Lady Compton._
+
+ ... We had a few friends at Dockington last week, not a real party, but
+just a few old shoes--Tom, Arthur Vivian and the Dean of Marchester and
+Mrs. Dean. Since they went away I've had the most awful time with their
+umbrellas. They all took away with them the wrong ones, and then wrote to
+me to send them their right ones. Arthur Vivian never brought one, and
+whose he took away I can't say. In fact I've been exposed to an avalanche
+of returning umbrellas, and Parkins has spent all his time in doing up the
+absurd things and posting them. He has just celebrated his seventieth
+birthday, and these umbrellas have ruined what's left of his temper.
+Umbrellas still keep pouring in, and nobody ever seems by any chance to get
+the right one. It's the most discouraging thing I've ever been involved in.
+As far as I can make out the Dean's umbrella is now in the trenches with
+Tom. If ever I have a party at Dockington again I shall write, "No
+umbrellas by request," on the invitations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INN O' THE SWORD.
+
+A SONG OF YOUTH AND WAR.
+
+  Roving along the King's highway
+    I met wi' a Romany black.
+  "Good day," says I; says he, "Good day,
+    And what may you have in your pack?"
+  "Why, a shirt," says I, "and a song or two
+    To make the road go faster."
+  He laughed: "Ye'll find or the day be through
+    There's more nor that, young master.
+      Oh, roving's good and youth is sweet
+        And love is its own reward;
+      But there's that shall stay your careless feet
+        When ye come to the Sign o' the Sword."
+
+  "Riddle me, riddlemaree," quoth I,
+    "Is a game that's ill to win,
+  And the day is o'er fair such tasks to try"--
+    Said he, "Ye shall know at the inn."
+  With that he suited his path to mine
+    And we   travelled merrily,
+  Till I was ware of the promised sign
+    And the door of an hostelry.
+      And the Romany sang, "To the very life
+        Ye shall pay for bed and board;
+      Will ye turn aside to the House of Strife?
+        Will ye lodge at the Inn o' the Sword?"
+
+  Then I looked at the inn 'twixt joy and fear,
+    And the Romany looked at me.
+  Said I, "We ha' come to a parting here
+    And I know not who you be."
+  But he only laughed as I smote on the door:
+    "Go, take ye the fighting chance;
+  Mayhap I once was a troubadour
+    In the knightly days of France.
+      Oh, the feast is set for those who dare
+        And the reddest o' wine outpoured;
+      And some sleep sound after peril and care
+        At the Hostelry of the Sword."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For our "National Lent"--the War Loan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Pet of the Platoon_. "I DIDN'T HALF TELL OFF OUR SERGEANT
+JUST NOW. I CALLED HIM A KNOCK-KNEED, PIGEON-TOED, SWIVEL-EYED MONKEY, AND
+SAID HE OUGHT TO GO TO A NIGHT-SCHOOL!"
+
+_Ecstatic Chorus_. "AND WHAT DID HE SAY?"
+
+_Bill_ (_after a pause_). "WELL, AS A MATTER OF FAC', I DON'T THINK HE
+QUITE HEARD ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+When the eminent in other branches of art take to literature, criticism
+must naturally be tempered with respect. This is much how I feel after
+reading Sir WILLIAM RICHMOND'S _The Silver Chain_ (PALMER AND HAYWARD).
+Probably, however, I should have enjoyed it more had not the publishers
+indulged in a wrapper-paragraph of such unbounded eulogy. If anybody is to
+call this novel "a work of great artistic achievement," and praise its
+"philosophy, psychology, delightful sense of humour, subtle analysis" and
+all the rest, I should prefer it to be someone less interested in the wares
+thus pushed. For my part I should be content to call _The Silver Chain_ by
+no means an uninteresting story, the work of a distinguished man, obviously
+an amateur in the craft of letters, who nevertheless has pleased himself
+(and will give pleasure to others) by working into it many pen-pictures of
+scenes in Egypt and Rome and Sicily, full of the glowing colour that we
+should expect from their artist-author. But the tale itself, the unrewarded
+love of the middle-aged "Philosopher" for the not specially attractive
+heroine _Mary_, and the subordinate very Byronic romance of _Herbert_ and
+_Annunziata_, quite frankly recalls those early manuscripts that most
+novelists must have burnt before they were quit of boyhood, or preserved to
+smile over. Still, in these winter days, when only Prime Ministers go to
+Rome (and then not to bask) and Luxor is equidistant with the moon, you may
+well find respite in a book so full of sunshine and memories of happy
+places; but I am bound to repeat my warning that your fellow-travellers
+will perhaps not be quite such stimulating society as the publishers would
+have you expect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir THEODORE COOK has already done sound work in dealing with German
+methods, and in _The Mark of the Beast_ (MURRAY) he pursues his labours a
+step further. So careful is he to give incontestable proofs for the charges
+he brings against the Huns that even the most anæmic neutrals must find a
+difficulty in reading this volume without recognising the truth. Especially
+he emphasizes the dangers of peace-making with an enemy whose whole policy
+and programme have been based on lies. And if he insists many times and
+again upon this point he has his excuse in the fact that some of us are so
+extraordinarily forgetful and forgiving that we cannot be reminded too
+often of what the future has in store for us if we do not now remember the
+past. With such an absolutely flawless case in his hands I find myself
+wishing sometimes that Sir THEODORE had been less prodigal of the
+denunciatory language which he hurls at Teutonic heads. Not for a moment
+would I suggest that the Hun does not deserve vituperation, but I am
+inclined to think that a less violent manner of attack is more effective.
+In his own way, however, Sir THEODORE is inimitable, and I can pay no
+higher praise to his book than to say that I know of no War-literature so
+admirably calculated to make BETHMANN-HOLLWEG ("more double than his name")
+really sorry for himself.
+
+The War has not been lacking in fine memorials of the dead. To what extent
+the Germans have commemorated the fallen I have no notion; but in France
+and Italy the papers constantly print tender and eloquent tributes, usually
+to the young. And in England we have the same thing too, touchingly,
+proudly and generously done. For the most part such tributes are mere
+records, but now and then they reconstruct; and the most remarkable example
+of such reconstruction--to the world at large, absolute creation--is the
+memoir of _Charles Lister_ (UNWIN), which his father, Lord RIBBLESDALE, and
+some devoted friends have, with perfect biographical tact, prepared. But
+for CHARLES LISTER'S untimely death, leading his men against the Turks in
+July, 1915, most of the letters in this book would never have been printed
+at all; for whatever his career might have become--and he was a man apart
+and bound for distinction--and however great a record were his, the early
+years could not be thus liberally illumined. But since death decreed that
+these early years--he was not quite twenty-eight when he was wounded for
+the third time and succumbed--should constitute all his career, we have
+this notable and beautiful book. If one had to put but a single epithet to
+it I should choose "radiant." At Eton, at Balliol, at the Embassies in Rome
+and Constantinople, and in the Army, CHARLES LISTER shed radiance. All his
+many friends testify to this. As for his letters, they are clear and gay
+and human; and they have also a sagacity that many older and more
+determined observers of life might envy; while that one to Lady DESBOROUGH
+upon the death of his great friend, JULIAN GRENFELL, is literature. Every
+page is interesting, but some are far more than that; and at the end one
+has almost too moving a concept of an ardent idealistic English gentleman
+met too late.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At first sight, perhaps, _Nothing Matters_ (CASSELL) may sound to you a
+somewhat, shall I say, transatlantic title for a book published in these
+days, when we are all learning how enormously everything matters. But this
+emotion will only last till you have read Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE'S
+disarming little preface. Personally, it left me regretting only one thing
+in the volume (or, to be more accurate, outside it), which was the design
+of its very unornamental wrapper--a lapse, surely, from taste, for which it
+would probably be quite unfair to blame the writer of what lies within.
+This is almost all of it excellent fooling, and includes a brace of longish
+short-stories (rather in the fantastic style of brother MAX); some fugitive
+pieces that you may recall as they flitted through the fields of
+journalism; with, for stiffening, a reprint of the author's admirable
+lecture upon "The Importance of Humour in Tragedy." This is a title that
+you may well take as a motto for the whole book. It will have, I think, a
+warm welcome from Sir HERBERT'S many friends and admirers, even should it
+turn out to be the case that some of his plots have been (in his own
+quaintly attractive phrase) "prophetically plagiarised" by other writers.
+Certainly this welcome will not be lessened by the knowledge that all
+profits from the sale of the volume are to go to support a cause that, to
+all who love the Stage, will be far indeed from not mattering--the fund to
+supplement the incomes of the wives and families of actors at the Front.
+You may regard it therefore as the lightest of comedies played, like so
+many others, in the cause of charity, and put down your money with an
+approving conscience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Let no one whose heart has been touched beyond mere vicarious pride in the
+achievement of our brothers-in-arms at the gate of Paris allow himself to
+miss the detailed narrative of HENRI DUGARD in _The Battle of Verdun_
+(HUTCHINSON). A good translation by F. APPLEBY HOLT, rather exceptional in
+these days of hurried conveyancing, does not detract from the vigour and
+movement of the story. We, who only saw the long agony through the medium
+of the always inadequate and discreet technicalities of the _communiqués_,
+could form no real impression of the kind of fighting or of the results of
+each phase of it. The author has collected the accounts or reports, so that
+the strokes and counter-strokes (for there was nothing passive in this
+siege) of the epic combats round Douamont, Fort Vaux, the Woevre,
+Malancourt, Avocourt and the Mort Homme are intelligibly reconstructed.
+Comment in the form of personal anecdotes of individual heroism is added.
+Perhaps the most illuminating touch is in the letter of poor Feldwebel KARL
+GARTNER, which was to have been despatched to his mother by a friend going
+on leave, so as to escape the Censor's eye. It began in a mood of
+robustious confidence and ended (or rather was interrupted by GARTNER'S
+capture) on the most despairing note. And this was seven months before the
+most brilliant counter-attack in the history of the War slammed the door
+once for all in the face of the enemy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Theatrical Manager_. "THIS WON'T DO, YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT A
+LAUGH--IT'S A YAWN!"
+
+_Poster Artist_. "WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE IN SUCH A HURRY FOR THE
+SKETCH THAT YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME TIME TO LET THE IMPRESSION OF THE PIECE
+WEAR OFF."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The scheme of utilising vacant spaces in London is being taken up
+    enthusiastically in the provinces."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+At the same time the scheme of utilising vacant spaces in the provinces is
+being welcomed with similar enthusiasm in London.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Vigorous complaints against the proposal to establish an overhead
+    electric system of tramways in Edinburgh were made this afternoon.
+
+    Lord Strathclyde declared that the overhead wires proposal had
+    electrified the citizens."--_Scottish Paper_.
+
+There must be something seriously wrong with the insulation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+152, January 24, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 152 ***
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+    .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+    .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+    .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+    .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+
+    .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+    {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+    .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
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+    -->
+    /*]]>*/
+    </style>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+January 24, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 152, January 24, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 19, 2004 [EBook #14093]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 152 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, and the PG Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>January 24th, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page49"
+       id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>"They know nothing about the War in Greenland," said M.
+    DANGAARD IENSEN to a contemporary, and now the Intelligence
+    Department is wondering whether it didn't perhaps choose the
+    wrong colour after all for its tabs.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Governor of Greenland, giving evidence in the Prize
+    Court last week, was greatly interested to learn that there was
+    a well-known hymn, entitled "From Greenland's Icy Mountains."
+    He was, however, inclined to think that the unfortunate
+    reference to the rigorous nature of the climate would be
+    resented by the local Publicity Committee, to whose notice he
+    would feel it his duty to bring the matter when they were next
+    thawed out.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Lord DEVONPORT has established his own Press Bureau, and it
+    is rumoured that the Press Bureau is about to appoint its own
+    Food Controller.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The American Line has advanced its First-Class fares by
+    three pounds. It is hoped that this will effectually discourage
+    Mr. HENRY FORD from visiting Europe for some time to come.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>The Times Literary Supplement</i> has received 335 books
+    of original verse in 1916. And still the authorities pretend
+    that juvenile crime is confined to the East End.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A telegram despatched from London on January 22nd, 1906,
+    which contained a polling result of the General Election then
+    in progress, has just been received by a Witham resident, who
+    told the messenger there was no reply.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"If agriculture is to flourish," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>,
+    "it must be so conducted as to pay." It is just this sordid
+    commercialism that distorts the Carmelite point of view.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The German Union for the Development of the German Language
+    have sent a petition to the CHANCELLOR, asking that in any
+    future Peace negotiations the German language should be used.
+    Will German frightfulness never cease?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Anybody in the Carmarthen district," says the local medical
+    officer, "can keep a pig in the parlour if they keep it clean."
+    The necessity of keeping the parlour clean for the sake of its
+    guest will be easily understood by those who appreciate the
+    fastidious taste of the pig.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Hungarian paper complains that the Government treats the
+    War as if it were merely a family affair. This contrasts
+    unfavourably with the more broadly hospitable attitude of the
+    Allies, who have made it abundantly clear that so far as they
+    are concerned anyone is welcome to join in and help their
+    side.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The other day a Farnham bellringer, after cycling seventy
+    miles, rang a peal of 5,940 changes. It is not known why.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"War diet," says Professor ROSIN in the <i>Lokal
+    Anzeiger</i>, "improves the action of the heart." But what the
+    Germans really want to know is, what improves a war diet?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Among the goods stolen from a Crouch Hill provision
+    merchant's the other day were eight cheeses and ten hams. As
+    the place was much littered it is thought that the cheeses put
+    up a plucky fight.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is pointed out by experienced agriculturists that it is
+    useless to plant potatoes unless steps are taken to destroy the
+    insect pests. A Peterborough farmer has written a poem in
+    <i>The Daily Express</i> against those pests, but we fancy that
+    if a permanent improvement is to be effected it will be
+    necessary to adopt much sterner measures than this.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The recent vagaries of the Weather Controller are said to be
+    due to one of the new railway regulations, by which you are
+    required to "Show all seasons, please."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Even Nature seems upset by the War. According to <i>The
+    Evening Standard</i> primroses are blooming in a Harrow garden,
+    while only the other day a pair of white spats were to be seen
+    in the Strand.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/49.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/49s.png"
+             alt="NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR BROTHER, MAUD." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Anxious Mother.</i> "NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR BROTHER,
+        MAUD. 'OLD THE UMBRELLER OVER THE SUGAR!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>Another Glimpse of the Obvious.</h2>
+
+    <p>From the "Standing Orders" of a Military
+    Hospital:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Officers confined to their beds will have their meals in
+        their rooms."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A gale of great fury raged at Sheffield early on Tuesday
+        morning. Much damage was done in the city and outlying
+        districts, a number of beings being
+        unroofed."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Several others have been noticed to have a tile loose.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The welcome, amounting to an oration, which heralded the
+        Prime Minister, was the most remarkable feature of a very
+        remarkable occasion."&mdash;<i>Daily Dispatch.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Is this quite kind to the subsequent speakers?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "By his colleagues at Bar he has been regarded as a sound
+        lawyer, well worthy of the high position which he had
+        filled for little over two hundred
+        years."&mdash;<i>Englishman</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Lord HALSBURY must look to his laurels.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Mr. Clement Wragge has prepared a special weather forecast
+        for the year 9117. His opinion is that the year will prove
+        distinctly good."&mdash;<i>New Zealand Times.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We infer that, in Mr. WRAGGE's opinion, the War will be over
+    by then.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3>The Minimum.</h3>
+
+    <p>Extract from a letter just received from H.Q. in
+    France:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "C.O.'s will take care that all ranks know that they must
+        never parade before an Officer&mdash;Brigade, Regimental or
+        Company&mdash;unless properly dressed, wearing at least a
+        belt."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The few women on the platform were dressed quietly, as
+        befitted the occasion, the smartest person present being
+        Mr. McKenna."&mdash;<i>Illustrated Sunday Herald.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Our contemporary might have told us what he wore.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page50"
+       id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE GOLFER'S PROTEST.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Among the shocks that laid us flat</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When WILLIAM loosed his wanton hordes</p>
+
+            <p>There fell no bloodier blow than that</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which turned our niblicks into
+            swords;</p>
+
+            <p>And O how bitter England's cup,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In what despair the order sunk her</p>
+
+            <p>That called her Cincinnati up</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When busy ploughing in the bunker!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Even with those who stuck it out,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bravely defying public shame,</p>
+
+            <p>Visions of trenches knocked about</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would often spoil their usual game;</p>
+
+            <p>Rumours of victory dearly bought,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or else of bad strategic hitches,</p>
+
+            <p>Disturbed their concentrated thought</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And put them off their mashie
+            pitches.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now comes a menace yet more rude</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That puts us even further off;</p>
+
+            <p>It says the nation's need of food</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Must come before the claims of golf;</p>
+
+            <p>We hear of parties going round,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Aided by local War-Committees,</p>
+
+            <p>To violate our sacred ground</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By planting veg. along our
+            "pretties."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>If there be truth in that report,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Then have we reached the limit,
+            viz.:&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>The ruin of that manly sport</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which made our country what it is;</p>
+
+            <p>The ravages we soon restore</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By conies wrought or hoofs of mutton,</p>
+
+            <p>But centuries must pass before</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A turnip-patch is fit to putt on.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What! Shall we sacrifice the scenes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On which our higher natures thrive</p>
+
+            <p>Just to provide the vulgar means</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To keep our lower selves alive?</p>
+
+            <p>Better to starve (or, better still,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Up hands and kiss the Hun
+            peace-makers)</p>
+
+            <p>Than suffer PROTHERO to till</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The British golfer's holy acres.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">O.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>PERSONAL PARS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT.</h2>(<i>With
+    acknowledgments to some of our chatty contemporaries</i>.)
+
+    <p>HAPPY C.-IN-C.&mdash;I saw the Commander-in-Chief to-day
+    passing through the little village of X in an open car. He was
+    very quietly dressed in khaki, with touches of scarlet on the
+    hat and by the collar. I waved my hand to him and he returned
+    the salute. It is small acts like this which endear him to all.
+    I noticed that the Field-Marshal was not carrying his baton.
+    Doubtless he did not wish to spoil its pristine freshness with
+    the mud of the roads.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>OF COURSE.&mdash;A friend in the Guards tells me that the
+    new food restrictions do not affect the men in the trenches
+    very seriously. Our brave soldiers are so inured to hardships
+    by now that they willingly forgo seven-course dinners.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>NOT STARVING.&mdash;While on the subject of food, the
+    picture published on page 6 of to-day's issue refutes the idea
+    that the Hun is starving. It represents the KAISER looking at
+    some pigs. The KAISER can be distinguished by a x.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>FASHIONS FOR MEN.&mdash;Now that mid-winter is with us it is
+    quite a common event to meet fur-clad denizens of the firing
+    line. Some of the new season's coats are the last word in chic,
+    one which I noticed yesterday made of black goat, having
+    pockets of seal coney with collar and cuffs of civet. The
+    wearer's feet were encased in the latest style of gum boots,
+    reaching to the thigh and fastening with a buckle. These are
+    being worn loose round the ankle. A green steel helmet, draped
+    in sandbag material, completed the costume. The field service
+    cap was not being worn inside the helmet.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>NUMBER NINE.&mdash;The Army doctors, so it seems, do not
+    fully understand the delicate constitution of a friend of mine
+    in the Blues, and sent him back to duty after dosing him with
+    medicine, though he is suffering from pain in the foot. The
+    medicine generally takes the form of a "Number Nine," the pill
+    that cures all ills; but last time he went on sick parade they
+    were out of stock, and he was given two "Number Fours" and a
+    "Number One" instead. Rough-and-ready pharmacy. What?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>SPIRITED.&mdash;Met my old chum, Sir William &mdash;&mdash;,
+    just back from the trenches. Dear old Billy, what cigars he
+    used to smoke in the good old days! He tells me that when on a
+    carrying fatigue the other night one of his men dropped the
+    earthenware receptacle which contains Tommy's greatest
+    consolation in this terrible war, and every drop of the
+    precious liquid was spilt. Five minutes later a Jack Johnson
+    landed beside him and put things right. <i>It gave him a rum
+    jar</i>. Good, eh?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>WHERE TO LUNCH.&mdash;I am just off to lunch with my old
+    pal, the Hon. Adolphus Lawrie-Carr, of the Motor Transport
+    Section of the A.S.C. I have never seen him look better than he
+    does now, in hunting stock and field boots, crop and spurs. He
+    always gives one a first-class meal.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>THE NEXT PUSH.&mdash;I had a most interesting conversation
+    the other day with Alphonse, late of the Saveloy. He is on the
+    G.H.Q. Staff in a position of high trust&mdash;something to do
+    with the culinary arrangements, I believe&mdash;and is, of
+    course, in the know. From what he told me confidentially I can
+    assure all my countless readers that there will be fighting on
+    the Western Front during 1917, and, in the words of Mr. Hilary
+    Bullox, "If it is not prolonged until next year, the present
+    year will certainly see the end of the War." More I cannot
+    divulge.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3>Our Cautious Contemporaries.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "What can be said with truth is that business in the New
+        Loan for the first two days is easily AZ per cent. better
+        for new money than for the same period on the occasion of
+        the last loan."&mdash;<i>Evening Standard</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"ANCIENT ORDER OF HIBERNIANS.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        State President Fee has requisitioned a large supply of
+        stationery; he announces that he will at once begin an
+        active canvas of the State to revive old divisions and
+        organize new ones."&mdash;<i>Texas Newspaper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Just as if he were at home in dear old Ireland.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Athens, Wednesday.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        The ex-Premiers who were consulted yesterday by the iKng,
+        were unanimously of opinion that the Entente Note was not
+        yesterday by the King were unanimously as its acceptance
+        would imply that Greece contemplated an attack on General
+        Sarrail's rear."&mdash;<i>Continental Daily Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Yet there are some people who complain that the situation in
+    Greece is not entirely clear.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page51"
+       id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/51.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/51s.png"
+             alt="THE APPLE OF DISCORD." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE APPLE OF DISCORD.</h3>
+
+        <p>AUSTRIA. "WHERE DID YOU GET
+        THAT?"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;GERMANY. "SPOILS OF
+        ROUMANIA."</p>
+
+        <p>AUSTRIA. "WELL, IF IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH TO SPLIT YOU
+        MIGHT LET US HAVE THE
+        CORE."&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;GERMANY. "'THERE AIN'T GOING
+        TO BE NO CORE.'"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page52"
+       id="page52"></a>[pg 52]</span>
+
+    <h2>A WAY NOT TO PAY OLD DEBTS.</h2>
+
+    <p>"Hullo, old thing!" said Herbert gloomily; "lots of
+    Congrats. Lucky devil, you," and he sighed unobtrusively.</p>
+
+    <p>I had forgotten that once upon a time Adela had refused to
+    walk out with Herbert because of his puttees, which she said
+    were so original that they distracted her attention from the
+    way he proposed.</p>
+
+    <p>Remembering this now, I offered my cousin a sympathetic
+    cigarette, which he, shaking himself free from care, accepted;
+    after which he began to borrow ten pounds&mdash;an achievement
+    which, I am proud to say, cost him nearly twenty minutes' hard
+    labour.</p>
+
+    <p>Not so very long afterwards Adela and I had a honeymoon,
+    followed by a picture-postcard from Herbert. He said he was
+    sorry he hadn't been there to throw boots at us, but he was
+    convalescing on the Cornish Riviera, the exact spot being
+    marked with a cross; also one could not send money by postcard,
+    but I was not to think he was forgetting about that fiver he
+    had borrowed.</p>
+
+    <p>The first part of this document caused Adela to wonder
+    vaguely if wounded officers ought to convalesce in
+    chimney-pots, but the last words gave me some twinges of a more
+    sincere alarm. Was Herbert's delusion a permanency, or merely a
+    slip of the pen?</p>
+
+    <p>"Adela," I decided, "let's ask Herbert to dinner as soon as
+    ever he leaves the roofs of the British Riviera."</p>
+
+    <p>Then one day, when I was writing letters in the Mess, he
+    strolled in. "Hullo!" he said, "where's the C.O.? What?... Oh,
+    thanks awfully, and ... Oh, I say, good Lord! I owe you three
+    quid, don't I?" and he drifted out abstractedly.</p>
+
+    <p>"Three!" I echoed dizzily, as the door banged. I staggered
+    home for the week-end.</p>
+
+    <p>I found Adela having an excited conversation with the
+    telephone in the hall.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ooo!" she said, hanging up the receiver, "Herbert's a hero.
+    He's just been telling me. And he's coming to dinner
+    to-night."</p>
+
+    <p>"I also," I responded with emotion, "have a tale to unfold,"
+    and I unfolded it.</p>
+
+    <p>When at last Herbert, moving modestly under the burden of a
+    newly acquired D.S.O., arrived at the flat, hospitality and an
+    unaccustomed awe withheld me from referring to so sordid a
+    matter as the inconsiderable decrease in my lately-invested
+    capital. Herbert, however, deprecated heroics, and, as he was
+    saying good-night, came of his own accord to the subject of
+    debts. He was always a conscientious fellow.</p>
+
+    <p>"You know, old chap," he said with charming candour, as I
+    saw him off from the doorstep, "you <i>must</i> remind me to
+    pay up that two quid some time. I keep forgetting, and when I
+    do remember, like now, I haven't any money to do it with.
+    Cheero!" The door clicked and I swooned.</p>
+
+    <p>It was very difficult; I could not even make up my mind
+    whether my best policy was to stalk Herbert with vigilance or
+    to avoid him as persistently as discipline allowed. On the one
+    hand he wasn't the cheque-book kind of man and he wouldn't pay
+    me unless he saw me. Contrariwise, he wouldn't even if he did,
+    and whenever he saw me my original loan of ten gold sovereigns
+    might continue its rapid decline. Finally I decided to abstain
+    from his society.</p>
+
+    <p>Shortly after this momentous decision the War Office sent
+    him off to some remote part of the country, and for many months
+    our financial relations remained unaltered&mdash;at any rate in
+    my own estimation. He was still far away when Adela II arrived,
+    so we did our best to hush her up; we thought that if we could
+    smuggle her to, say, the age of ten and send her to school
+    Herbert couldn't possibly come and congratulate us about her.
+    That only shows how much we didn't know; for Herbert procured
+    some leave three weeks later and was excitedly mounting our
+    stairs within a few hours.</p>
+
+    <p>"P'r'aps," whispered Adela bravely as he was being
+    announced, "he'll forget about money&mdash;p'r'aps he'll even
+    put it up a bit."</p>
+
+    <p>I smiled cynically, and was justified ten minutes later,
+    when Herbert's conscience, troubled and apologetic, reminded
+    him about that guinea he owed me.</p>
+
+    <p>At the christening it fell to half-a-quid, and, according to
+    Herbert's latest allegation, it is only his rotten memory for
+    postal-orders that prevents him from sending me that dollar at
+    once.</p>
+
+    <p>And so, precariously, the matter rested till to-day, when
+    the final blow fell from the War Office. Herbert and I are to
+    proceed to France together next Monday. On that day, if I am
+    ingenious and agile enough not to meet him before, we ought to
+    be about all square; after that, as far as I can see, there
+    will be an inevitable moment when Herbert will turn to me with,
+    "I say, old fellow, you can't let me have that ten bob you
+    touched me for the other day, can you? Hate to ask you, but I
+    haven't got a sou ..." But I won't&mdash;no, I won't. I will
+    let my imaginary debt mount up, I will let it increase even at
+    the rate at which Herbert's has decreased, but I will not pay
+    it. Herbert, of course, will always be kind to me about it, for
+    he is a generous creature; and every time we go into action he
+    will probably wring my hand and beg me not to worry about it
+    any more.</p>
+
+    <p>"Old man," he will be saying on the twenty-ninth occasion,
+    "if I got done in, promise you won't bother about that thousand
+    pounds you owe me&mdash;remember you're to think of it as
+    paid."</p>
+
+    <p>I shall remember all right.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/52.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/52s.png"
+             alt="HERE! JUST GRAB THE OOJAH AN' DASH ROUND" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>N.C.O.</i> "HERE! JUST GRAB THE OOJAH AN' DASH ROUND
+        TO THE TIDDLEY-OM-POM FOR SOME UMPTY-POO!"</p>
+
+        <p>Private (ex-professor of languages) learns later that he
+        was expected to fetch a bucket of coke from the stores.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "In a corn and meal merchant's shop, where two or three
+        cats are kept for business purposes, the cats maybe seen
+        feeding at will from the open
+        sacks."&mdash;<i>Spectator</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This lapse on pussy's part goes rather against the
+    grain.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page53"
+       id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/53.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/53s.png"
+             alt="MUCH OFF, SIR?" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Barber</i>. "MUCH OFF,
+        SIR?"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>War Economist</i>.
+        "DURATION OF WAR."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>POLITICAL NOTES.</h2>
+
+    <h3>BY OUR OWN PAIR OF LYNX.</h3>
+
+    <p>There is unfortunately no truth in the rumour that, in order
+    to provide billets for 5,000 new typists, and incidentally to
+    win the War, the Government has commandeered the Houses of
+    Parliament.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The problem of the housing of the traveller-classes when all
+    the hotels of London have been taken over by the Government is
+    now occupying both the waking and sleeping hours (such as they
+    are) of the War Cabinet, and a special department of the
+    Intelligence Department has been created to deal with it on the
+    roof of No. 10 Downing Street. It has not yet been decided
+    whether all visitors to London should be sent back as soon as
+    they arrive, or whether Sir JOSEPH LYONS should reap the sole
+    benefit of their sojourn.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Although the proprietors of the Hotel des Ambassadeurs,
+    Ealing, and the Grand Hotel Riche, Mile End, have offered the
+    Government their premises, on the most advantageous terms to
+    themselves, no arrangement has yet been effected.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A deputation of officials recently visited the Zoo and made
+    a number of measurements, but no decision has yet been reached
+    as to whether or no it will be taken over for Government
+    work.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>There is absolutely no truth in the statement, circulated by
+    some wholly frivolous or malicious person, that any of the
+    theatres or music-halls are to be closed during the War in
+    order to make space for workers.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is rumoured that Mr. EDWARD MARSH may very shortly take
+    up his duties as Minister of Poetry and the Fine Arts. Mr.
+    MARSH has not yet decided whether he will appoint Mr. ASQUITH
+    or Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL as his private secretary.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Meanwhile a full list of the private secretaries of the new
+    private secretaries of the members of the new Government may at
+    any moment be disclosed to a long-suffering public.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The latest Captain of Commerce to be diverted from his own
+    business for the benefit of his country is the head of the
+    great curl industry. He will have one on his sleeve, being
+    given commissioned rank in the Navy, and his special duty will
+    be the control of the waves of the Channel.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>At the invitation of the PREMIER, whose summons came to him
+    just as he was entering his car bound for Pall Mall, Mr. HARVEY
+    TATE has agreed to accept the portfolio of the Ministry of Road
+    Traffic. Mr. TATE'S long experience as a motorist and
+    familiarity with all the difficulties of motoring qualify him
+    peculiarly for this post. One of his first tasks will be to
+    inquire fully into the charges against the taxi varlet.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In spite of all rumours to the contrary, Lord NORTHCLIFFE
+    will remain outside the new Government, but his interest in it
+    is, at present, friendly. It is very well understood, however,
+    that everyone must behave; for his Lordship, in one of his rare
+    intervals of expansion, has been heard to remark that there are
+    as good fish in the sea as ever came out of it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Bishop of Winchester proposes to cultivate the park
+        round big Palace at Fulham."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>Bristol Times and Mirror</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The Bishop of LONDON will, no doubt, return the compliment
+    at Farnham.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page54"
+       id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span>
+
+    <h2>WARS OF THE PAST.</h2>
+
+    <h3>(<i>As recorded in the Press of the period.</i>)</h3>
+
+    <h3>VII.</h3>
+
+    <h3><i>From "Tempora" (Rome).</i></h3>
+
+    <p>Admittedly, the peril is extreme. Crustumerium has fallen,
+    and also Ostia. However, Janiculum, the key to the whole outer
+    system of the City's defences, still stands, and there is
+    accordingly no immediate cause for dismay. But we are strongly
+    of the opinion&mdash;so rapid has been LARS PORSENA'S advance
+    hitherto&mdash;that the bridge over the Tiber should be at once
+    destroyed as a precautionary measure while there is yet time.
+    We have every confidence in the continued capacity for
+    resistance of the strong garrison at Janiculum, but it is
+    necessary to be prepared for every eventuality; and if the
+    fortress <i>should</i> fall without the bridge being demolished
+    the latter would inevitably be seized by the enemy, and the
+    Tiber, our last line of defence, would be lost to us.</p>
+
+    <p>For the rest, the spirit of the people is excellent. It has
+    become almost a truism to say that nowadays none is for a
+    party, but all are for the State. Rich and poor have learned to
+    help and respect each other. Indeed, in these brave days
+    Romans, in Rome's quarrel, have poured out blood and treasure
+    unsparingly for the common cause. We are like a nation of
+    brothers.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>Placard of "Hesperus" (Special Phosphorus
+    Edition)</i>:&mdash;</h3>
+
+    <h3>FALL</h3>
+
+    <h3>OF</h3>
+
+    <h3>JANICULUM.</h3>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>From "Hesperus" (Noon Edition).</i></h3>
+
+    <h3>SWIFT ADVANCE OF THE ENEMY.</h3>
+
+    <h3>WAR COUNCIL MEETS.</h3>
+
+    <h3>HORATIUS TO HOLD BRIDGE-HEAD.</h3>
+
+    <h3>CAN THE BRIDGE BE DESTROYED IN TIME?</h3>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>The Secretary to the Senate announces</i>:</h3>
+
+    <p>"The War Council met at the River Gate immediately on
+    receipt of the news of the fall of Janiculum. It was decided to
+    accept the offer of Port-Captain HORATIUS (S.P.Q.R.'s Own),
+    SPURIUS LARTIUS (Ramnian Regt.), and HERMINIUS ("Titian
+    Toughs"), who gallantly volunteered to hold the bridge-head in
+    order to give time for the bridge itself to be destroyed. All
+    hope of saving the town should not therefore be abandoned."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>From our Special Correspondent.</i></h3>
+
+    <p>I have just returned from the River Gate, where I was, I
+    believe, the first to applaud one of the Patres Conscripti
+    (commanding the Axe-and-Crowbar Volunteers), who set a fine
+    example by actually starting on the demolition of the bridge
+    himself. Already you could see the Tuscan hordes in the swarthy
+    dust that shrouded the Western horizon. I was myself in a
+    position to pick out ASTUR, who was girt with the brand which
+    (I am informed by a high authority) none but he can wield.
+    There is no need to describe to you the firmament-rending yell
+    that rose when the presence of the false and shameful SEXTUS
+    was officially notified. One saw women who hissed and even
+    expectorated in his direction, and more than one child, I
+    noticed, shook its small fist at him with splendid
+    spirit....</p>
+
+    <p>I am told that HORATIUS spoke out pretty plainly to the
+    Senate, expressing the opinion that three men could easily hold
+    the bridge-head. The gallant officer, interviewed while he was
+    in the act of tightening his harness, declined to say much,
+    merely expressing the opinion that everyone has got to die some
+    time and that there was, after all, some satisfaction in being
+    killed in a fight against odds. I confess I was favourably
+    impressed by the very nonchalance of his attitude.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>Stop Press News.</i></h3>
+
+    <h3>LARTIUS BEAT AUNUS. HERMINIUS BEAT SEIUS. HORATIUS BEAT
+    PICUS.</h3>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>From "Hesperus" (Fourth Edition).</i></h3>
+
+    <h3>BRIDGE-HEAD STILL HELD.</h3>
+
+    <h3>DEATH OF ASTUR.</h3>
+
+    <h3>UNFORTUNATE MISHAP TO A LICTOR.</h3>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>The Secretary to the Senate announces</i>:</h3>
+
+    <p>"Latest advices show that HORATIUS has despatched ASTUR,
+    and, though slightly wounded in this encounter, has been able
+    to keep his place in the line. The bridge head is still being
+    held and there is now a pause in the fighting. The total enemy
+    casualties up to the present are estimated at: <i>Killed</i>,
+    7; <i>Wounded</i>, 0; <i>Missing</i>, 0. Our own casualties
+    are: <i>Killed</i>, 0; <i>Wounded</i>, 1; <i>Missing</i>, 0. A
+    regrettable incident took place during the demolition of the
+    bridge, a Lictor having sliced himself with one of his own axes
+    and being compelled to relinquish his valuable labours."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3>(<i>Stop-Press News</i>.)</h3>
+
+    <h3>HORATIUS CUT OFF.</h3>
+
+    <p>The bridge has been successfully destroyed shortly after the
+    skilful withdrawal of LARTIUS and HERMINIUS in the face of the
+    enemy. We greatly regret to add that HORATIUS is missing, I
+    having failed to make good his retreat with his comrades, and
+    must be regarded as lost.&mdash;(<i>Official</i>.)</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3><i>From "Hesperus" (Special Home Edition).</i></h3>
+
+    <h3>HORATIUS SAFE.</h3>
+
+    <h3>HOW HE SWAM THE RIVER.</h3>
+
+    <h3>(<i>By our Special Correspondent.</i>)</h3>
+
+    <p>HORATIUS, the only one of the "dauntless three" (as they
+    have been already named) about whose safety doubts were
+    entertained, has swum the river and is safe. I saw him, when
+    the bridge fell, standing alone, but obviously with all his
+    wits about him, despite the ninety thousand foes before and the
+    broad flood behind. When he turned round he might have seen, I
+    believe, from where he was standing (just where, on other
+    occasions, I have stood myself) the white porch of his home.
+    His lips parted as if in prayer. The next moment, pausing only
+    to sheathe his ensanguined sword, he took a graceful dive into
+    the river.</p>
+
+    <p>Some moments of terrible tension ensued. When at last his
+    head appeared above the surges, a cry of indescribable rapture
+    went up, and I am happy to place on record the fact that I
+    distinctly detected a note of generous cheering from the Tuscan
+    ranks.</p>
+
+    <p>But all was not yet over. The current ran fiercely, swollen
+    high by months of rain. Often I thought him sinking&mdash;and
+    indeed nearly sent in a message to that effect&mdash;but still
+    again he rose. Never, I think, did any swimmer in like
+    circumstances perform such a remarkable feat of natation. But
+    at length he felt the bottom, was helped ashore by myself and
+    the Senate, and was carried shoulder-high through the River
+    Gate. I understand that some special recognition is to be made
+    of his splendid feat.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3><i>From "Rome Chat."</i></h3>
+
+    <p>Our frontispiece this week is a family group of brave
+    Captain HORATIUS, together with the tender mother who
+    (formerly) dandled him to rest, and his wife, who, it will be
+    noticed, is nursing his youngest baby. We are glad to hear
+    that, in conformity with the principle of settling our gallant
+    soldiers on the land, a goodly tract is to be given to this
+    popular hero. The story of how he held the bridge-head will
+    certainly afford a stirring tale for the home-circle for a long
+    time to come.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page55"
+       id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/55.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/55s.png"
+             alt="LUMME! THIS IS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, I DON'T THINK." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p>"LUMME! THIS IS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, I DON'T THINK. ME
+        A-VOLUNTEERIN' FOR INFANTRY, GOIN' RIGHT THROUGH ME
+        TRAININ', AN' NAH THEY MAKES A BLOOMIN' LANCER OF ME!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>'EAD-WORK.</h3>
+
+    <p>Bob Winter is our local carrier. His old grey mare
+    Molly&mdash;or a predecessor very like her, driven by Bob's
+    father before him&mdash;has jogged into town on market days as
+    long as anyone in the village can remember. The weather-beaten,
+    oft-patched tilt of Bob's cart must have heard in its day
+    generations of village gossip, and a mere inspection of the
+    cargo on the flap which lets down at the back will provide
+    quite an amount of interesting information, such as "whose new
+    housemaid's tin trunk be a-goin' to station already, lookee,
+    and who be a-getten a new tyre to ees bicycle&mdash;see."</p>
+
+    <p>Now, however, there is a likelihood that Bob may be called
+    up; and the fate of the carrying business hangs in the
+    balance.</p>
+
+    <p>"Never mind, Bob," I said (I had overtaken him and old Molly
+    sauntering up the steep hill above the village); "if it comes
+    to that, you know, the women-folk will have to take turns at
+    the carrying while you are away. I believe I should make rather
+    a good carrier."</p>
+
+    <p>Bob shook his head and looked evasive.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, Miss," he said, "'twuddn' do, 'twuddn' do at all."</p>
+
+    <p>"Come," I said, "you don't mean to say Molly would be too
+    much for me?"</p>
+
+    <p>"No, Miss, 'tain't Molly, but&mdash;well, 'tain't no job for
+    a lady, ain't the carryin'; leastways, not to my way o'
+    thinkin'."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, but I should get the people at the shops to help me
+    with the heavy things."</p>
+
+    <p>Bob cleared his throat loudly and looked more uncomfortable
+    still. Then at last he decided to take the plunge.</p>
+
+    <p>"'Tain't the liftin' that do be troublin' I, Miss," he said
+    confidentially, "'tis the 'ead-work. I don't believe there be a
+    wumman livin' could do it. There be a tur'ble lot of 'ead-work
+    in the carryin' business. Why, I do
+    think&mdash;think&mdash;think mornen till night, till what wi'
+    one thing an' what wi' another thing I'm sure there's times
+    when I don't know if I be on my 'ead or my 'eels. Why, I've
+    seen the time when I've a-comed in and I've a-set down and I've
+    a-said to Missis, 'No, Missis, I don't want no tea; I don't
+    want nothen only to set quiet, for I be just about tired out
+    with that there thinkin'.'</p>
+
+    <p>"There be such a sight o' things you do have to remember,
+    lookee. What wi' the grocer, an' what wi' the draper, an'
+    folks's parcels to leave an' folks's parcels to call for, an'
+    picken up here an' setten down there&mdash;well, a woman's
+    brain ain't strong enough for it, leastways not to my way o'
+    thinkin'....</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, now, if I ain't a-gone an' forgot to call at old Mrs.
+    Pettigrew's for her subscription for to get made up at the
+    chemist's! There, now, Miss, don't that just show how you do
+    'ave to kip on thinkin' all the time, else you be just about
+    sure to forget somethin' or another? Oh yes, there be a
+    smartish lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business, an' no
+    mistake!"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>An Enviable Post.</h4>
+
+    <p>From a list of the new Government:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Chancellor of the Ducky of Lancaster: Sir Frederick
+        Cawley."&mdash;<i>Star</i> (<i>Johannesburg</i>).
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Man, to drive horse and make himself generally useful in
+        nursery."&mdash;<i>Provincial Press</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>No doubt a rocking-horse.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From a New Zealand diocesan magazine:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Owing to the continued illness of the Vicar, which we
+        trust is reaching its last stage, the services of the
+        Church have been conducted by the following," etc.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The Vicar, we understand, thinks this might have been more
+    tactfully worded.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page56"
+       id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/56.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/56s.png"
+             alt="OH, ALL RIGHT. DON'T KEEP 'OLLERIN' AT ME ABOUT THE WAR AND THE GOVER'MENT!" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Long-suffering Wife</i> (<i>to amateur
+        politician</i>). "OH, ALL RIGHT. DON'T KEEP 'OLLERIN' AT ME
+        ABOUT THE WAR AND THE GOVER'MENT! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
+        TALKING TO&mdash;LORD DEVUMPORK?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE PURIFIED PRUSSIAN.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [Writing in <i>Die Woche</i> a well-known Baroness, a
+        leader of Berlin society, discusses the transformation and
+        purification of Berlin conviviality by the War. Social
+        functions accompanied by eating have altogether ceased and
+        given way to more refined gatherings&mdash;&aelig;sthetic
+        afternoon teas and elegant evening parties&mdash;at which
+        the conversation reaches heights of brilliancy unheard of
+        in the old carnivorous days. Unhappily snobbery still
+        prevails, "every class pretending to be richer and better
+        than they are&mdash;small officials, officers, landowners,
+        all pretending to be millionaires, and doing their
+        pretension shabbily."]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>One of the leading Prussian social stars</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Opines that War, although it makes for
+            leanness,</p>
+
+            <p>Not only banishes discordant jars</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And purifies Berlin of all
+            uncleanness,</p>
+
+            <p>But places her, beatified by Mars,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Upon a pinnacle of mental keenness,</p>
+
+            <p>Changing the cult of trencher and of bowl</p>
+
+            <p>To feasts of reason and o'erflows of soul.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The gross carnivorous orgies of the past</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Have gone, and in their place is
+            something finer;</p>
+
+            <p>Emotions of a transcendental cast</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Preoccupy the luncher and the diner;</p>
+
+            <p>The Hun, in short, by being forced to fast,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Has grown ethereal, more alert,
+            diviner;</p>
+
+            <p>And, purged of all incentive to frivolity,</p>
+
+            <p>His speech has almost lost its guttural quality.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>His talk, of old to stodginess inclined,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Now sparkles with consistent
+            coruscation,</p>
+
+            <p>Attaining heights of mirth and wit combined</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Unknown to any previous generation,</p>
+
+            <p>But always exquisitely pure, refined</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And spiritual, as befits the nation</p>
+
+            <p>In which the nicer touch was never missing</p>
+
+            <p>Down from great FREDERICK to blameless BISSING.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis easy, though the writer does not tell,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To guess the themes which prompt the
+            brightest sallies;</p>
+
+            <p>Louvain; the <i>Lusitania</i>; Nurse
+            CAVELL&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With these Hun wit most delicately
+            dallies;</p>
+
+            <p>The wreck of Reims; the Prussic acid shell;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The desolation of Armenia's valleys;</p>
+
+            <p>The toll of Belgian infants slain ere
+            birth&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>All these excite Berlin's ecstatic mirth.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And yet a slight <i>amari aliquid</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is mingled with this lady's honeyed
+            phrases;</p>
+
+            <p>Berlin society is not yet rid</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of one of its less admirable phases;</p>
+
+            <p>There is, in other words, one fly amid</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The precious ointment of the writer's
+            praises;</p>
+
+            <p>In every class are those who ape the airs</p>
+
+            <p>Of the superior nobs and millionaires.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But still, when all reserves are duly made</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For negligible faults in tact or
+            breeding,</p>
+
+            <p>The picture by this noble scribe displayed</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of high-browed Hundom makes impressive
+            reading;</p>
+
+            <p>For homage to convivial needs is paid</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Without the faintest risk of
+            over-feeding,</p>
+
+            <p>And, braced by frugal fare, the Prussian brain</p>
+
+            <p>Soars to a perfectly celestial plane.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page57-58"
+       id="page57-58"></a>[pg 57-58]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/58.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/58s.png"
+             alt="I AM THE MAN." /></a>
+
+        <h2>"I AM THE MAN."</h2>
+
+        <p>["What is wanted is a moral deed, to free the world ...
+        from the pressure which weighs upon all. For such a deed it
+        is necessary to find a ruler who has a conscience.... I
+        have the courage."&mdash;<i>Extract of letter from the
+        GERMAN KAISER to his Chancellor, dated October 31st, 1916,
+        and recently published in "The North German
+        Gazette."</i>]</p>
+    </div><!--pages 59-60 blank-->
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61"
+       id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/61.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/61s.png"
+             alt="THE ADVANTAGE OF A SCIENTIFIC EDUCATION." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE ADVANTAGE OF A SCIENTIFIC EDUCATION.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Drawing Mistress</i> (<i>to member of class that has
+        been told to draw some object of natural history</i>).
+        "NOW, JAMES, THAT IS NAUGHTY. WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE A
+        NATURAL HISTORY SUBJECT?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>James</i>. "BUT I HAVE. I'VE DRAWN THE RED CORPUSCLES
+        IN THE BLOOD OF A FROG."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A FLEETING DETACHMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p>Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.), stepped off the
+    footboard of X.33, a medi&aelig;val Vanguard, and splashed his
+    way round to the driver. "I'm fair sick o' this 'ere Flanders,
+    I am," he complained, expectorating dolorously into the sea of
+    mud; "'spose it 'ull be up to the blinkin' axles before
+    February?" He stirred the mixture with a cautious foot.</p>
+
+    <p>"Not 'arf, ole sport," replied the driver, carefully
+    unsticking a cigarette from his underlip. "But yer ought to
+    'ave bin out larst winter, then yer did 'ave to sit above
+    yerself to keep yer tootsies dry."</p>
+
+    <p>"Wot&mdash;wuss than this?" exclaimed the disconsolate
+    one.</p>
+
+    <p>"Wuss!" was the withering retort. "Wy, when I tells yer that
+    some o' them Naval 'Umming-birds, t'other side o' Popinjay,
+    fitted out an ole Blue 'Ammersmith with a pair o' propellers
+    ... Wuss!" He exhaled scornfully and gave a turn to the
+    lubricator.</p>
+
+    <p>"Any chance o' getting down Vermelly way? They say it ain't
+    'arf bad there." Albert brightened up at the thought.</p>
+
+    <p>"'Tain't likely," was the sharp and unsympathetic reply.
+    "'Oo do yer think's goin' ter do this little job if they takes
+    our lot away? Wy, this 'ere road is just like 'Igh 'Olborn to
+    me; I knows all the 'umps and 'ollows blindfold."</p>
+
+    <p>Albert returned to the stern sheets and considered the most
+    feasible method of desertion.</p>
+
+    <p>Half-an-hour later, when the daylight had gone, X.33,
+    generously over-flowing with a detachment of the 20th
+    Mudlarkers, was, in company with many other vehicles, making
+    her inharmonious way along the "Wipers" road. Judging from the
+    plunginess of her progress and the fluent language of the man
+    of oil, it was evident that some of the "'umps and 'ollows" had
+    passed from the driver's memory. Not that such a slight matter
+    could damp the spirits of the passengers. Rather it served to
+    entertain them.</p>
+
+    <p>"We '<i>ave</i> gone an' fallen out of the dress-circle this
+    time," a voice exclaimed after an extra steep dive into a
+    badly-filled shell crater.</p>
+
+    <p>Albert, wet and unsociable, hung gloomily on to the back
+    rail.</p>
+
+    <p>"Carn't see wot they got to be so blinkin' 'appy abart," he
+    muttered savagely; "I don't believe it's 'arf bad in them
+    trenches." He ruminated bitterly on the thought that his job
+    was probably the worst one on the whole front, and made a
+    resolve to put the matter right.</p>
+
+    <p>When the final stopping-place had been reached and the 20th
+    Mudlarkers, after the usual indescribable m&ecirc;l&eacute;e,
+    had been put upon the path that would ultimately lead them (if
+    they were fortunate enough to avoid all guides,
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62"
+       id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> philosophers and friends) to
+       their trench, the man of oil was profanely grieved to
+       discover that Albert Snape had abandoned X33 for the
+       unknown.</p>
+
+    <p>As a matter of fact Albert had slipped away and followed the
+    Mudlarkers, with a hazy idea that a rifle would fortuitously
+    present itself. That an extra unit could possibly be noticed
+    never occurred to him. He had a vague intention of joining a
+    cavalry regiment. Very soon he lost the Mudlarkers, and then,
+    by an easy sequence of events, himself.</p>
+
+    <p>"Wha goes there?" whispered a hoarse voice almost in his
+    ear. It gave him quite an unpleasant start, but, suppressing
+    his first inspiration, which was to say the Life Guards, he
+    answered, "I'm a Mudlarker!"</p>
+
+    <p>"This iss the Seaforths in supporrt," remarked the sentry;
+    "ye'll be in the firrst line, na doot. Ye'll hae to go back,
+    an' it's the firrst turnin' tae the left, an' keep as strecht
+    as ye can." The Highlander stepped back into the deeper shadows
+    and the self-recruited Mudlarker continued his career.</p>
+
+    <p>He traversed what seemed to him an interminable number of
+    trenches without encountering anyone. There was a reason for
+    this lack of companionship, but it did not at first appeal to
+    his imagination. Suddenly he was startled by the vicious "phut,
+    phut, phut" of unpleasantly close shooting, and bullets began
+    to splash and grease along the bottom of the trench,
+    accompanied by the stutter of a machine gun.</p>
+
+    <p>Miraculously untouched, he slid over the parados and lay,
+    sweating with fright, in the watery furrow of a turnip
+    field.</p>
+
+    <p>The trench was one that was seldom used, being thoroughly
+    exposed to enfilading fire. At stated periods through the night
+    a machine gun was turned on, a proceeding which, beyond
+    gratifying the Huns, had no sort of effect. Albert, in blissful
+    ignorance of all such customs, floundered about amongst the
+    turnips until he came across a Jack Johnson crater. From this
+    he emerged even wetter than before. A little later he became
+    mixed up with some barbed wire. The more be tried to get away
+    the more inextricably he became involved with it. A star shell
+    burst overhead, and a German sniper, seizing the chance of a
+    lifetime, put in four rounds rapid fire.</p>
+
+    <p>Albert lost the lobe of an ear and had his breeches shot
+    through, but he managed to escape from the wire and find
+    another furrow. Mere dampness no longer inconvenienced him,
+    there were so many other things to think about. He crawled
+    stealthily on his hands and knees and found the barbed wire
+    again. At length he heard the welcome sound of voices. He
+    crawled faster until he became aware that the voices were not
+    speaking English, This discovery turned him to stone. For an
+    hour&mdash;perhaps two hours&mdash;he remained as still as a
+    hare in its form.</p>
+
+    <p>Suddenly, blurred and crouching figures appeared out of the
+    night. They moved quickly and silently. One of them nearly trod
+    upon his hand, but he was too dazed to think of committing
+    himself to either speech or action.</p>
+
+    <p>"Give it 'em!" cried a voice a few seconds later, and the
+    roar of the exploding bombs signified that it had been
+    given.</p>
+
+    <p>Instantly pandemonium broke loose. Machine gun and rapid
+    rifle fire burst forth from the German front trenches, and
+    streams of bullets swept over the intervening ground like a
+    gigantic hail-storm; then some field batteries began to burst
+    H.E. shrapnel above the disturbed area, while star shells and
+    magnesium flares threw an uneven light over the whole
+    scene.</p>
+
+    <p>A breathless body cast itself down beside the now completely
+    mesmerised Albert: "We ain't 'arf upset the blinkin' beehive.
+    Lumme! it's&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>The prone figure suddenly became silent, gave a convulsive
+    kick or two and rolled over towards the man who still
+    lived.</p>
+
+    <p>It was sufficient. Something seemed to draw very tense in
+    Albert's brain and his body reeled into action.</p>
+
+    <p>Blindly and without coherent thought he ran shouting across
+    the field, stumbling and falling over the slippery and uneven
+    surface, but always picking himself up and flinging his body
+    onward into the unknown.</p>
+
+    <p>A subaltern, who was examining a luminous watch, received
+    him at the charge as he fell into an English first-line trench.
+    They struggled wildly together in the mud to the accompaniment
+    of startling language on the part of the subaltern.</p>
+
+    <p>Then Albert, having reached his limit of endurance, had the
+    supreme tact to faint.</p>
+
+    <p>A little later, in a well-found dug-out, the patient was
+    refreshing himself with copious draughts of brandy.</p>
+
+    <p>"Who are you, and what the devil are you doing here?" asked
+    the still indignant officer.</p>
+
+    <p>Albert did not hesitate longer than it takes to swallow.</p>
+
+    <p>"Lorst me way, I 'ave, Sir. I'm with X 33, attached to
+    Mechanical Transport, an' if I ain't back pretty quick my mate
+    'ull fair 'ave a bloomin' fit."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>As was predicted by the sagacious man of oil, the mud upon
+    the &mdash;&mdash; road is slowly climbing towards the axles,
+    but in spite of this and sundry other drawbacks it would be
+    hard to find a more contented spirit than that of Private
+    Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.).</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LIONS AT PLAY.</h2>
+
+    <h3>BY A SUBALTERN.</h3>
+
+    <p>The Colonel rustles his newspaper, smites it into shape with
+    a mighty fist, rips it across in a futile endeavour to fold it
+    accurately, and, casting it furiously aside in a crumpled mass,
+    says, after the manner of all true War Lords, "Umph." Whereupon
+    the Ante-Room as one man takes cover.</p>
+
+    <p>The Colonel then turns cumbrously in his chair, permitting
+    his eye to rove round the room in search of the unwary prey. He
+    smiles cynically at the intense concentration of the Auction
+    parties; winces at the renewed and unnatural efforts of those
+    who make music; glares unamiably at the feverish book-worms,
+    and suddenly breaks into little chuckles of satisfaction. The
+    Ante-Room peers cautiously round to discover the identity of
+    the unfortunate victim, and chuckles in its turn. The Adjutant,
+    checked in his stealthy retreat, hastens back, arranges the
+    table and chess-board, pokes the fire with unnecessary energy,
+    and sits down. At once the Ante-Room abandons its cover.</p>
+
+    <p>The Colonel begins by grasping the box, turning it upside
+    down, and spilling the contents over the sides of the table.
+    The Adjutant immediately apologises for his clumsiness. The
+    Colonel then liberally spreads out the pieces, selects two
+    pawns, and offers the Adjutant the choice of two fists. The
+    Adjutant chooses. Each fist opens to disclose a white pawn. The
+    Colonel's expansive smile over his little joke quickly turns to
+    a frown at the Adjutant's exaggerated laughter. He suspects the
+    Adjutant. He seizes two more pieces, offers his opponent
+    another choice, but, to the latter's huge delight and his own
+    discomfiture, eventually discovers that both are black. He
+    accordingly makes use of his casting vote and selects
+    white.</p>
+
+    <p>The Colonel plays a smashing game. When it is his turn to
+    move he never pauses to make up his mind. His mind is already
+    made up. All he has to do, immediately the Adjutant has
+    finished touching up his position, is to move the piece his eye
+    has been piercing throughout the long period of his opponent's
+    cautious deliberation. When the Colonel moves a piece he may be
+    said to get there. All obstructions are ruthlessly swept aside
+    with a callous indifference to Hague Conventions.
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page63"
+       id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> Should a knight haply descend
+       from the clouds and settle on the correct square it arrives
+       more by luck than judgment. Tradition alleges that whenever
+       the Colonel is called upon to move his king in the earlier
+       stages of the game all lights are turned off from the
+       neighbouring town in accordance with the Defence of the
+       Realm Regulations. However true this may be&mdash;the
+       responsibility rests on the Padre's capable
+       shoulders&mdash;when his king is moved in the later stages
+       the Colonel pushes it along by half-squares in a haphazard
+       and preoccupied manner. He invariably fills his pipe when
+       the end is in sight, but leaves it unlighted so that he may
+       cover his ultimate defeat by a general demolition of
+       matches.</p>
+
+    <p>On this occasion the Adjutant skilfully snipes the Colonel's
+    queen in the sixth move. The Colonel immediately retrieves the
+    piece from the box, asks where it was before, examines it with
+    the essence of loathing and revolt, removes it out of his
+    sight, and refuses to take it back, although he had mistaken it
+    for another piece. In retaliation he proceeds to concentrate
+    all his effectives on his opponent's queen, and, after
+    sacrificing the flower of his forces, drives the attack home
+    and gains his objective with the greatest enthusiasm. He
+    remarks that the capture was costly, but that honour is
+    satisfied, and would the waiter kindly approach within
+    ear-shot?</p>
+
+    <p>While the Adjutant is working up his offensive on the
+    Colonel's right flank, the Colonel himself is making
+    independent sallies on the left, unless, of course, he is
+    compelled to march his king out of a congested district into
+    more open country. On the rare occasions when he is at a loss
+    for a moment what to do he makes it a practice to move a pawn
+    one square in order to gain time. By this method, unexpectedly
+    but none the less jubilantly, he recovers his queen&mdash;only
+    to see it laid low again by enfilading fire from a perfectly
+    obvious redoubt.</p>
+
+    <p>After twenty minutes of battle the Colonel's area becomes
+    positively draughty, and the sole survivors of his dashing but
+    sanguinary counter-attack, the king and two pawns, have assumed
+    the bored and callous air of a remnant that has fought too long
+    and is called upon to fight again. The Colonel has just
+    unceremoniously pushed his sovereign to the rear with a flick
+    of his nervous irritated little finger. His opponent can
+    obviously bring him to his knees in two moves. Instead of which
+    the Adjutant brazenly commences with massed bands and colours
+    flying to execute a masterly tactical advance with the whole of
+    his command&mdash;cavalry, infantry, church and tanks, in order
+    to achieve the destruction of the two bantam bodyguards.</p>
+
+    <p>This is not playing the game, and the Colonel fumes inwardly
+    and frets outwardly. In the intervals of pressing down the
+    unlit tobacco in his pipe with an oscillating thumb, he
+    alternately pokes his king out of the corner and pulls it back
+    again; while his transparent impulse is to scrap the board,
+    wreck the ante-room and run amok. The Adjutant continues his
+    innocent amusement until at last the pleasure wanes. The two
+    heroic pawns are carried decently off, and he apologetically
+    whispers his suspicions of a checkmate to his commanding
+    officer.</p>
+
+    <p>The Colonel brushes aside the Mess President's
+    tinder-lighter, shatters the mute triumph of the serried black
+    ranks of the hostile forces with one superb elevation of the
+    eyebrows, smashes three matches in quick succession, and proves
+    that all the time his mind has been preoccupied with weightier
+    matters by saying after the manner of all true War Lords,
+    "Umph."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/63.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/63s.png"
+             alt="PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE!" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Tube Conductor</i>. "PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR,
+        PLEASE! PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE!! (<i>In
+        desperation</i>) ANY LADY OR GENTLEMAN PRESENT KNOW THE
+        GERMAN FOR 'PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR'?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Sweetness and Light.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O MATTHEW ARNOLD! you were right:</p>
+
+            <p>We need more Sweetness and more Light;</p>
+
+            <p>For till we break the brutal foe</p>
+
+            <p>Our sugar's short, our lights are low.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64"
+       id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span>
+
+    <h2>A LUCID EXPLANATION.</h2>
+
+    <p>It was my task to collect from their relatives particulars
+    as to the whereabouts of the wounded of our neighbourhood, for
+    the purposes of our local report. It wanted five minutes to
+    twelve, the sacred dinner-hour of the British artisan, and one
+    name remained upon my list, against which was a pencilled note,
+    "Reported returning home." Did that mean that he was disabled?
+    And should I manage to gather the necessary information before
+    the clock struck?</p>
+
+    <p>I knocked at the door, which was opened by a woman wearing a
+    canvas apron with a very tight string, her head surmounted by
+    hair-curlers and a cloth cap.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, thanking you kindly," she replied in answer to my
+    question, "me son '<i>as</i> been wounded. 'Eard of it from the
+    War Office. This war's a shocking business."</p>
+
+    <p>I expressed my sympathy and asked for particulars.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yer see, he was at Gallipoli."</p>
+
+    <p>"At Gallipoli? Then it must have been some time ago? I
+    understood&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"It was this way. Me son, 'e ses to me, 'Mother,' 'e says,
+    'don't you worry, but I've had a toe took off.' 'E never was
+    one to put up a great shout 'bout hisself, nor nothink of that.
+    They took 'im down to their base 'ospital. Leeharver's the
+    name. Perhaps you know it?"</p>
+
+    <p>I cast my mind over the &AElig;gean Islands, from which
+    Mudros sprang up very large, and everything else sank into
+    oblivion. "I'm afraid I don't," I owned apologetically.</p>
+
+    <p>"Thought perhaps you might. L-E first word, H-A-V-R-E
+    second&mdash;Leeharver."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh-h, to be sure, Le Havre. I mean&mdash;yes, now you
+    mention it, I think I have heard of it. And is your son still
+    there?"</p>
+
+    <p>Me son, 'e ses the vermin there was something shocking, and
+    they spent all their spare time 'unting theirselves."</p>
+
+    <p>"What? <i>not</i> in the hospital? Oh, I see; you mean in
+    the trenches."</p>
+
+    <p>"And 'im," she continued, not noticing my remark, 'and 'im
+    that partic'lar 'bout 'is linen; couldn't use a 'andkerchief
+    not unless it was spotless; must 'av a clean one every Sunday
+    as reg'lar as the week come round. It do seem 'ard, don't it?
+    They've pinched his sweater too. S'pose I shall 'av to get 'im
+    another, s'pose I shall; but it's a job to know how to get
+    along these times. And now margarine's up this week, that's the
+    latest."</p>
+
+    <p>"But your son," I ventured tentatively&mdash;"is his foot
+    still bad?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, 'is <i>foot's</i> right enough. It's 'is teeth that's
+    the worry. 'E ses to me, 'Mother,' he ses, 'afore I can do any
+    good I must 'ave me teeth seen to.' Oh, this fighting's cruel
+    work!"</p>
+
+    <p>Could he have been wounded in the jaw? The thought was
+    horrible, but I remarked with affected cheerfulness, "Well,
+    come, anyhow he is able to write."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, 'e can <i>write</i> right enough&mdash;got the prize at
+    school for 'rithmatic, 'e did."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, but I mean if he is able to write he can't be so very
+    bad."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, 'e didn't <i>write</i> that. That was August come a
+    twelvemonth. The very first thing they done to him was to take
+    out pretty near 'alf 'is teeth. The military authorities do
+    pull you about something shocking."</p>
+
+    <p>"And where did he go after Hav&mdash;after Leehar&mdash;I
+    mean after the hospital?" I was getting rather bewildered.</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, 'e went to the War right enough; but 'is digestion's
+    that bad. They said 'e'd feel a lot better once 'is teeth was
+    was out, but 'e ses, 'Mother,' 'e ses, 'you want a mouth full
+    of teeth to eat this bullet beef what they give us.' Next thing
+    was they set him to drive them machines."</p>
+
+    <p>"What machines would those be?" I asked, groping for a
+    little light.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, them motors as they use out there. 'E got meddling
+    with one of 'em, and it was the nearest thing 'e didn't 'ave
+    'is 'and in a jelly; the machine didn't act proper, or
+    somethink o' that."</p>
+
+    <p>"And do you mean that his hand was injured?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Not as I've 'eard on," came the prompt reply.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, but I thought you said your son <i>had</i> been
+    wounded."</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah, yes, that was 'is toe, yer see; sent 'im down to the
+    base 'ospital, Leeharver."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, you told me that; but I heard he might be coming home.
+    I was afraid perhaps he was disabled."</p>
+
+    <p>"That's right. 'E's coming 'ome right enough. Ought to be
+    'ere in 'bout five minutes. 'Ope 'is dinner 'asn't spiled time
+    I've stood 'ere talking to you."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, what <i>is</i> the matter with him then?" I asked
+    desperately.</p>
+
+    <p>"Dunno there's anything partic'lar wrong with 'im. 'E's
+    going to get married to-morrer, if that's what you mean. 'Ope
+    it won't be the beginning of fresh troubles for 'im. But you
+    never know what's coming next."</p>
+
+    <p>I agreed that you never did.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/64.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/64s.png"
+             alt="ELLO, WOT'S THE MATTER WITH 'IM?" /></a>
+
+        <p>"ELLO, WOT'S THE MATTER WITH 'IM?"</p>
+
+        <p>"SHELL SHOCK, I RECKON."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.</h2>
+
+    <h3>III.</h3>
+
+    <p>Jerry, my lad,&mdash;We have lost a dear friend, and with
+    him, alas, the piping days of peace. No, he is not dead, or
+    even moribund, but his friendship for us lives no longer. His
+    name is Feodor, and he is a Bulgar comitadjus, or whatever is
+    the singular of "comitadji," and he lived until lately in No. 2
+    Dugout, Hyde Park, just over the way.</p>
+
+    <p>It is a moot point which delighted us the more, Feodor's
+    charming manner or his exquisite trousers. These two
+    characteristics were the more pleasing because of their perfect
+    contrast; for whereas his manner was refined and retiring, his
+    trousers were distinctly aggressive in their flaunting
+    shameless redness.</p>
+
+    <p>Feodor's appearances were at first spasmodic. This was only
+    natural, seeing that he had not yet instilled into us his own
+    attractive habit of <i>laisser aller</i> and <i>laisser
+    faire</i>, and that his red trousers offered such a beautiful
+    mark.</p>
+
+    <p>He would appear suddenly, smile seraphically towards us, and
+    then disappear before our snipers could get on to him. At first
+    of course we tried to pot him, but gradually our ferocity gave
+    way to amazement and then to tolerance. At last came a day when
+    Feodor climbed on to his parapet and made us a pretty little
+    speech. We cheered him loudly, although we didn't understand
+    much of it. Next day we brought down an interpreter
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page65"
+       id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> and asked Feodor for an
+       encore. His second performance was even more spirited than
+       the first, and after a graceful vote of thanks to our
+       benefactor we asked the interpreter to oblige.</p>
+
+    <p>It appeared that from his boyhood Feodor had been
+    apprenticed to an assistant piano-tuner in Varna. Rosy days of
+    rapid promotion followed, and the boy, completely wrapped up in
+    his profession, soon became a deputy assistant piano-tuner.
+    Then followed the old, old story of vaulting ambition.</p>
+
+    <p>The youth, his head turned by material success, sought to
+    consolidate his social position by a marriage above his
+    station, and dared to aspire to the hand of a full
+    piano-tuner's daughter.</p>
+
+    <p>The old man tried gentle dissuasion at first, but the
+    obstinate pertinacity of the stripling made him gradually lose
+    patience. He was a hale and hearty veteran, and when the
+    situation came to a climax his method of dealing with it was
+    stern and thorough.</p>
+
+    <p>Seizing the hapless Feodor during an evening call he
+    interned him in the vitals of a tuneless Baby Grand, and for
+    three hours played on him CHOPIN'S polonaise in A flat major,
+    with the loud pedal down. On his release Feodor had lost his
+    reason and rushed to the nearest police-station to ask to be
+    sent to the Front immediately. His object, he explained, was to
+    end the War. The Bulgar authorities thought the plan worth
+    trying and sent him off as a comitadjus; and to these
+    circumstances we were indebted for his society.</p>
+
+    <p>Every day we saw more and more of Feodor, and we grew to
+    love him. As to sniping him now&mdash;the idea never entered
+    our beads. Accordingly, while a deafening strafe proceeded
+    daily on both sides of us, we remained in a state of idyllic
+    peace and hatelessness.</p>
+
+    <p>Then arrived the cruel day when the Brass Hats came round,
+    and a large and important General asked us&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"But are you being offensive enough to the enemy in
+    front?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Offensive to Feodor, Sir? Impossible!"</p>
+
+    <p>"You <i>must</i> be offensive," he rejoined. "I don't think
+    there is sufficient hate in this part of the line."</p>
+
+    <p>It was this unfortunate moment that Feodor chose to step on
+    to his parapet and call out cheerfully to the Great
+    Man&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"Good morning, John<i>ee</i>!"</p>
+
+    <p>For one tense moment I thought the General would burst. By
+    an effort he pulled himself together, however, and shouted to
+    my troops in a voice of thunder&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"At That Person in front&mdash;fifteen rounds rapid.
+    Fire!"</p>
+
+    <p>We had to do it, of course, and, although I think most of
+    our sights were a little high, accidents <i>will</i> happen.
+    Feodor emitted one unearthly shriek, and his time back towards
+    home would, if it had been taken, make a world's championship
+    record.</p>
+
+    <p>I don't think he was physically hurt; but his poor trousers
+    were badly punctured!...</p>
+
+    <p>Our friend, Jerry, may not be lost, but he is certainly gone
+    behind.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours always,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">PETER.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/65.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/65s.png"
+             alt="THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL. WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Lady</i> (<i>who has been photographed for
+        passport</i>). "THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL.
+        WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Photographer</i>. "I'M VERY SORRY, LADY; BUT, YOU
+        SEE, THE GOVERNMENT WON'T ALLOW US TO TOUCH UP ANY PASSPORT
+        PHOTOS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "From the Pentland Firth to Norway, the eyes of the British
+        Fleet are those of Nunquam."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Post</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We suppose old <i>Dormio</i> is asleep as usual.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The clergy will be pleased to hear of parishioners who are
+        sick.".&mdash;<i>Parish Magazine</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>No doubt they mean it kindly, but it sounds rather
+    callous.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Holders of 15s. 6d. War Savings Certificates and scrip
+        vouchers of the War Loan are acceptable over the Post
+        Office counter at their face value."&mdash;-<i>Daily
+        News</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"'My face is my fortune, Sir,' she said."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Will anyone give 15/- and a kind home to a nice little
+        brown miniature poodle dog, 3 years, ideal pet and
+        companion?"&mdash;<i>The Bazaar</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Sixpence more and the little pet could buy a War Savings
+    Certificate.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page66"
+       id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE FATE OF UMBRELLAS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. I.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Arthur Vivian, Bury Street, St.
+    James's, to Mrs. Morton, Dockington Hall, Bucks.</i></p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MRS. MORTON,&mdash;Just a line to thank you very
+    sincerely for my delightful visit. It was like old times to see
+    you "all gathered together in hospitable Dockington and to find
+    that the War, terrible as it is, has not altogether abolished
+    pleasant human intercourse in England, in spite of what the
+    Dean said. But then Deans are privileged persons.</p>
+
+    <p>I am sorry to say, by the way, that in the hurry of
+    departure this morning I took away the wrong umbrella and left
+    my own. I am sending back the changeling with all proper
+    apologies. Would you mind sending me mine? It has a crook
+    handle (cane) and a plain silver band with my initials engraved
+    on it. Please give my love to Harry and the children.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours always sincerely,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ARTHUR VIVIAN.</p>
+
+    <h3>No. II.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From the Dean of Marchester to Mrs.
+    Morton</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MRS. MORTON,&mdash;I desire to thank you for three most
+    agreeable days spent in congenial company. You have indeed
+    mastered the secret of making your guests feel at home, and
+    Dockington even in war-time is still Dockington. Pray give my
+    warm regards to Mr. Morton and remember me suitably to the dear
+    children. I wish they wouldn't keep on growing up as they do;
+    childhood is so delightful.</p>
+
+    <p>I find to my great regret that by some inexplicable mistake
+    I took away with me an umbrella that is not mine. I am sending
+    it back to you, and shall be deeply beholden to you if you will
+    pack up and send to me the one I left. It is an old one,
+    recognisable by its cane handle (crook) and an indiarubber ring
+    round the shaft. Pray accept my apologies for the trouble I am
+    giving you.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours very sincerely,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">CHARLES MELDEW.</p>
+
+    <h3>No. III.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Brigadier-General Barton to his
+    Sister, Mrs. Morton</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MARY,&mdash;You gave me a capital time. There's a
+    slight difference between Dockington and the trenches. I'm not
+    as a rule a great performer with clergymen, but I liked your
+    Dean. By the way, when I dashed off your man put somebody
+    else's umbrella in with me, instead of my own, which is a natty
+    specimen. The one I've got is an old gamp with a stout
+    indiarubber ring to it. I haven't time to send it back. Every
+    moment is taken up, as I cross to France to-night. Besides, how
+    can you pack such a thing as an umbrella? It's much too long.
+    Keep mine till we meet again. Best love to Harry and the
+    kids.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Ever yours,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">TOM.</p>
+
+    <h3>No. IV.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Arthur Vivian to Mrs. Morton</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MRS. MORTON,&mdash;I wired you this morning asking you
+    to do nothing about my umbrella. The fact is I have found it at
+    my rooms, and I am forced to the conclusion that I never took
+    it with me to Dockington at all. I am awfully sorry to have
+    given you all this trouble. It shall be a lesson to me never to
+    take my umbrella anywhere, or rather never to think I've taken
+    it, when, as a matter of fact, I haven't.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours always sincerely,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ARTHUR VIVIAN.</p>
+
+    <h3>No. V.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Telegram from Mrs. Morton to Arthur
+    Vivian</i>.</p>Too late. Sent off somebody's umbrella to you
+    yesterday. Please return it to me.
+
+    <h3>No. VI.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Mrs. Morton to her Sister, Lady
+    Compton</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>... We had a few friends at Dockington last week, not a real
+    party, but just a few old shoes&mdash;Tom, Arthur Vivian and
+    the Dean of Marchester and Mrs. Dean. Since they went away I've
+    had the most awful time with their umbrellas. They all took
+    away with them the wrong ones, and then wrote to me to send
+    them their right ones. Arthur Vivian never brought one, and
+    whose he took away I can't say. In fact I've been exposed to an
+    avalanche of returning umbrellas, and Parkins has spent all his
+    time in doing up the absurd things and posting them. He has
+    just celebrated his seventieth birthday, and these umbrellas
+    have ruined what's left of his temper. Umbrellas still keep
+    pouring in, and nobody ever seems by any chance to get the
+    right one. It's the most discouraging thing I've ever been
+    involved in. As far as I can make out the Dean's umbrella is
+    now in the trenches with Tom. If ever I have a party at
+    Dockington again I shall write, "No umbrellas by request," on
+    the invitations.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE INN O' THE SWORD.</h2>
+
+    <h3>A SONG OF YOUTH AND WAR.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Roving along the King's highway</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I met wi' a Romany black.</p>
+
+            <p>"Good day," says I; says he, "Good day,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And what may you have in your pack?"</p>
+
+            <p>"Why, a shirt," says I, "and a song or two</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To make the road go faster."</p>
+
+            <p>He laughed: "Ye'll find or the day be through</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">There's more nor that, young master.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Oh, roving's good and youth is sweet</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And love is its own reward;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">But there's that shall stay your careless
+            feet</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">When ye come to the Sign o' the
+            Sword."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Riddle me, riddlemaree," quoth I,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Is a game that's ill to win,</p>
+
+            <p>And the day is o'er fair such tasks to
+            try"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Said he, "Ye shall know at the inn."</p>
+
+            <p>With that he suited his path to mine</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And we travelled merrily,</p>
+
+            <p>Till I was ware of the promised sign</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the door of an hostelry.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And the Romany sang, "To the very
+            life</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Ye shall pay for bed and board;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Will ye turn aside to the House of
+            Strife?</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Will ye lodge at the Inn o' the
+            Sword?"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then I looked at the inn 'twixt joy and fear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the Romany looked at me.</p>
+
+            <p>Said I, "We ha' come to a parting here</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And I know not who you be."</p>
+
+            <p>But he only laughed as I smote on the door:</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Go, take ye the fighting chance;</p>
+
+            <p>Mayhap I once was a troubadour</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In the knightly days of France.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Oh, the feast is set for those who
+            dare</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And the reddest o' wine outpoured;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And some sleep sound after peril and
+            care</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">At the Hostelry of the Sword."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>For our "National Lent"&mdash;the War Loan.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67"
+       id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/67s.png"
+             alt="I DIDN'T HALF TELL OFF OUR SERGEANT JUST NOW." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p><i>Pet of the Platoon</i>. "I DIDN'T HALF TELL OFF OUR
+        SERGEANT JUST NOW. I CALLED HIM A KNOCK-KNEED, PIGEON-TOED,
+        SWIVEL-EYED MONKEY, AND SAID HE OUGHT TO GO TO A
+        NIGHT-SCHOOL!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ecstatic Chorus</i>. "AND WHAT DID HE SAY?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Bill</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). "WELL, AS A MATTER
+        OF FAC', I DON'T THINK HE QUITE HEARD ME."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2><b>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</b></h2>
+
+    <h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h3>
+
+    <p>When the eminent in other branches of art take to
+    literature, criticism must naturally be tempered with respect.
+    This is much how I feel after reading Sir WILLIAM RICHMOND'S
+    <i>The Silver Chain</i> (PALMER AND HAYWARD). Probably,
+    however, I should have enjoyed it more had not the publishers
+    indulged in a wrapper-paragraph of such unbounded eulogy. If
+    anybody is to call this novel "a work of great artistic
+    achievement," and praise its "philosophy, psychology,
+    delightful sense of humour, subtle analysis" and all the rest,
+    I should prefer it to be someone less interested in the wares
+    thus pushed. For my part I should be content to call <i>The
+    Silver Chain</i> by no means an uninteresting story, the work
+    of a distinguished man, obviously an amateur in the craft of
+    letters, who nevertheless has pleased himself (and will give
+    pleasure to others) by working into it many pen-pictures of
+    scenes in Egypt and Rome and Sicily, full of the glowing colour
+    that we should expect from their artist-author. But the tale
+    itself, the unrewarded love of the middle-aged "Philosopher"
+    for the not specially attractive heroine <i>Mary</i>, and the
+    subordinate very Byronic romance of <i>Herbert</i> and
+    <i>Annunziata</i>, quite frankly recalls those early
+    manuscripts that most novelists must have burnt before they
+    were quit of boyhood, or preserved to smile over. Still, in
+    these winter days, when only Prime Ministers go to Rome (and
+    then not to bask) and Luxor is equidistant with the moon, you
+    may well find respite in a book so full of sunshine and
+    memories of happy places; but I am bound to repeat my warning
+    that your fellow-travellers will perhaps not be quite such
+    stimulating society as the publishers would have you
+    expect.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Sir THEODORE COOK has already done sound work in dealing
+    with German methods, and in <i>The Mark of the Beast</i>
+    (MURRAY) he pursues his labours a step further. So careful is
+    he to give incontestable proofs for the charges he brings
+    against the Huns that even the most an&aelig;mic neutrals must
+    find a difficulty in reading this volume without recognising
+    the truth. Especially he emphasizes the dangers of peace-making
+    with an enemy whose whole policy and programme have been based
+    on lies. And if he insists many times and again upon this point
+    he has his excuse in the fact that some of us are so
+    extraordinarily forgetful and forgiving that we cannot be
+    reminded too often of what the future has in store for us if we
+    do not now remember the past. With such an absolutely flawless
+    case in his hands I find myself wishing sometimes that Sir
+    THEODORE had been less prodigal of the denunciatory language
+    which he hurls at Teutonic heads. Not for a moment would I
+    suggest that the Hun does not deserve vituperation, but I am
+    inclined to think that a less violent manner of attack is more
+    effective. In his own way, however, Sir THEODORE is inimitable,
+    and I can pay no higher praise to his book than to say that I
+    know of no War-literature so admirably calculated to make
+    BETHMANN-HOLLWEG ("more double than his name") really sorry for
+    himself. <span class="pagenum"><a name="page68"
+       id="page68"></a>[pg 68]</span></p>
+
+    <p>The War has not been lacking in fine memorials of the dead.
+    To what extent the Germans have commemorated the fallen I have
+    no notion; but in France and Italy the papers constantly print
+    tender and eloquent tributes, usually to the young. And in
+    England we have the same thing too, touchingly, proudly and
+    generously done. For the most part such tributes are mere
+    records, but now and then they reconstruct; and the most
+    remarkable example of such reconstruction&mdash;to the world at
+    large, absolute creation&mdash;is the memoir of <i>Charles
+    Lister</i> (UNWIN), which his father, Lord RIBBLESDALE, and
+    some devoted friends have, with perfect biographical tact,
+    prepared. But for CHARLES LISTER'S untimely death, leading his
+    men against the Turks in July, 1915, most of the letters in
+    this book would never have been printed at all; for whatever
+    his career might have become&mdash;and he was a man apart and
+    bound for distinction&mdash;and however great a record were
+    his, the early years could not be thus liberally illumined. But
+    since death decreed that these early years&mdash;he was not
+    quite twenty-eight when he was wounded for the third time and
+    succumbed&mdash;should constitute all his career, we have this
+    notable and beautiful book. If one had to put but a single
+    epithet to it I should choose "radiant." At Eton, at Balliol,
+    at the Embassies in Rome and Constantinople, and in the Army,
+    CHARLES LISTER shed radiance. All his many friends testify to
+    this. As for his letters, they are clear and gay and human; and
+    they have also a sagacity that many older and more determined
+    observers of life might envy; while that one to Lady DESBOROUGH
+    upon the death of his great friend, JULIAN GRENFELL, is
+    literature. Every page is interesting, but some are far more
+    than that; and at the end one has almost too moving a concept
+    of an ardent idealistic English gentleman met too late.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>At first sight, perhaps, <i>Nothing Matters</i> (CASSELL)
+    may sound to you a somewhat, shall I say, transatlantic title
+    for a book published in these days, when we are all learning
+    how enormously everything matters. But this emotion will only
+    last till you have read Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE'S disarming
+    little preface. Personally, it left me regretting only one
+    thing in the volume (or, to be more accurate, outside it),
+    which was the design of its very unornamental wrapper&mdash;a
+    lapse, surely, from taste, for which it would probably be quite
+    unfair to blame the writer of what lies within. This is almost
+    all of it excellent fooling, and includes a brace of longish
+    short-stories (rather in the fantastic style of brother MAX);
+    some fugitive pieces that you may recall as they flitted
+    through the fields of journalism; with, for stiffening, a
+    reprint of the author's admirable lecture upon "The Importance
+    of Humour in Tragedy." This is a title that you may well take
+    as a motto for the whole book. It will have, I think, a warm
+    welcome from Sir HERBERT'S many friends and admirers, even
+    should it turn out to be the case that some of his plots have
+    been (in his own quaintly attractive phrase) "prophetically
+    plagiarised" by other writers. Certainly this welcome will not
+    be lessened by the knowledge that all profits from the sale of
+    the volume are to go to support a cause that, to all who love
+    the Stage, will be far indeed from not mattering&mdash;the fund
+    to supplement the incomes of the wives and families of actors
+    at the Front. You may regard it therefore as the lightest of
+    comedies played, like so many others, in the cause of charity,
+    and put down your money with an approving conscience.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Let no one whose heart has been touched beyond mere
+    vicarious pride in the achievement of our brothers-in-arms at
+    the gate of Paris allow himself to miss the detailed narrative
+    of HENRI DUGARD in <i>The Battle of Verdun</i> (HUTCHINSON). A
+    good translation by F. APPLEBY HOLT, rather exceptional in
+    these days of hurried conveyancing, does not detract from the
+    vigour and movement of the story. We, who only saw the long
+    agony through the medium of the always inadequate and discreet
+    technicalities of the <i>communiqu&eacute;s</i>, could form no
+    real impression of the kind of fighting or of the results of
+    each phase of it. The author has collected the accounts or
+    reports, so that the strokes and counter-strokes (for there was
+    nothing passive in this siege) of the epic combats round
+    Douamont, Fort Vaux, the Woevre, Malancourt, Avocourt and the
+    Mort Homme are intelligibly reconstructed. Comment in the form
+    of personal anecdotes of individual heroism is added. Perhaps
+    the most illuminating touch is in the letter of poor Feldwebel
+    KARL GARTNER, which was to have been despatched to his mother
+    by a friend going on leave, so as to escape the Censor's eye.
+    It began in a mood of robustious confidence and ended (or
+    rather was interrupted by GARTNER'S capture) on the most
+    despairing note. And this was seven months before the most
+    brilliant counter-attack in the history of the War slammed the
+    door once for all in the face of the enemy.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/68.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/68s.png"
+             alt="THIS WON'T DO, YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT A LAUGH&mdash;IT'S A YAWN!" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Theatrical Manager</i>. "THIS WON'T DO, YOU KNOW.
+        IT'S NOT A LAUGH&mdash;IT'S A YAWN!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Poster Artist</i>. "WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE IN
+        SUCH A HURRY FOR THE SKETCH THAT YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME TIME
+        TO LET THE IMPRESSION OF THE PIECE WEAR OFF."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The scheme of utilising vacant spaces in London is being
+        taken up enthusiastically in the
+        provinces."&mdash;<i>Evening Standard</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>At the same time the scheme of utilising vacant spaces in
+    the provinces is being welcomed with similar enthusiasm in
+    London.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Vigorous complaints against the proposal to establish an
+        overhead electric system of tramways in Edinburgh were made
+        this afternoon.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        Lord Strathclyde declared that the overhead wires proposal
+        had electrified the citizens."&mdash;<i>Scottish Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>There must be something seriously wrong with the
+    insulation.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="margin-bottom:8em">
+        <img src="images/pointer.png"
+             alt="pointer" />
+    </div>
+
+    <p style="text-indent:-1em"><b>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected
+    Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter,
+    Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+    returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+    Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+    exception.</b></p><br clear="all" />
+
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
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+</body>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2162 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+January 24, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 152, January 24, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 19, 2004 [EBook #14093]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 152 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, and the PG Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+January 24th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"They know nothing about the War in Greenland," said M. DANGAARD IENSEN to
+a contemporary, and now the Intelligence Department is wondering whether it
+didn't perhaps choose the wrong colour after all for its tabs.
+
+       ***
+
+The Governor of Greenland, giving evidence in the Prize Court last week,
+was greatly interested to learn that there was a well-known hymn, entitled
+"From Greenland's Icy Mountains." He was, however, inclined to think that
+the unfortunate reference to the rigorous nature of the climate would be
+resented by the local Publicity Committee, to whose notice he would feel it
+his duty to bring the matter when they were next thawed out.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord DEVONPORT has established his own Press Bureau, and it is rumoured
+that the Press Bureau is about to appoint its own Food Controller.
+
+       ***
+
+The American Line has advanced its First-Class fares by three pounds. It is
+hoped that this will effectually discourage Mr. HENRY FORD from visiting
+Europe for some time to come.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Times Literary Supplement_ has received 335 books of original verse in
+1916. And still the authorities pretend that juvenile crime is confined to
+the East End.
+
+       ***
+
+A telegram despatched from London on January 22nd, 1906, which contained a
+polling result of the General Election then in progress, has just been
+received by a Witham resident, who told the messenger there was no reply.
+
+       ***
+
+"If agriculture is to flourish," says _The Daily Mail_, "it must be so
+conducted as to pay." It is just this sordid commercialism that distorts
+the Carmelite point of view.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Union for the Development of the German Language have sent a
+petition to the CHANCELLOR, asking that in any future Peace negotiations
+the German language should be used. Will German frightfulness never cease?
+
+       ***
+
+"Anybody in the Carmarthen district," says the local medical officer, "can
+keep a pig in the parlour if they keep it clean." The necessity of keeping
+the parlour clean for the sake of its guest will be easily understood by
+those who appreciate the fastidious taste of the pig.
+
+       ***
+
+A Hungarian paper complains that the Government treats the War as if it
+were merely a family affair. This contrasts unfavourably with the more
+broadly hospitable attitude of the Allies, who have made it abundantly
+clear that so far as they are concerned anyone is welcome to join in and
+help their side.
+
+       ***
+
+The other day a Farnham bellringer, after cycling seventy miles, rang a
+peal of 5,940 changes. It is not known why.
+
+       ***
+
+"War diet," says Professor ROSIN in the _Lokal Anzeiger_, "improves the
+action of the heart." But what the Germans really want to know is, what
+improves a war diet?
+
+       ***
+
+Among the goods stolen from a Crouch Hill provision merchant's the other
+day were eight cheeses and ten hams. As the place was much littered it is
+thought that the cheeses put up a plucky fight.
+
+       ***
+
+It is pointed out by experienced agriculturists that it is useless to plant
+potatoes unless steps are taken to destroy the insect pests. A Peterborough
+farmer has written a poem in _The Daily Express_ against those pests, but
+we fancy that if a permanent improvement is to be effected it will be
+necessary to adopt much sterner measures than this.
+
+       ***
+
+The recent vagaries of the Weather Controller are said to be due to one of
+the new railway regulations, by which you are required to "Show all
+seasons, please."
+
+       ***
+
+Even Nature seems upset by the War. According to _The Evening Standard_
+primroses are blooming in a Harrow garden, while only the other day a pair
+of white spats were to be seen in the Strand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Anxious Mother._ "NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR BROTHER, MAUD. 'OLD
+THE UMBRELLER OVER THE SUGAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Glimpse of the Obvious.
+
+From the "Standing Orders" of a Military Hospital:--
+
+    "Officers confined to their beds will have their meals in their rooms."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A gale of great fury raged at Sheffield early on Tuesday morning. Much
+    damage was done in the city and outlying districts, a number of beings
+    being unroofed."--_Yorkshire Paper._
+
+Several others have been noticed to have a tile loose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The welcome, amounting to an oration, which heralded the Prime
+    Minister, was the most remarkable feature of a very remarkable
+    occasion." _Daily Dispatch._
+
+Is this quite kind to the subsequent speakers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "By his colleagues at Bar he has been regarded as a sound lawyer, well
+    worthy of the high position which he had filled for little over two
+    hundred years."--_Englishman_ (_Calcutta_).
+
+Lord HALSBURY must look to his laurels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Clement Wragge has prepared a special weather forecast for the
+    year 9117. His opinion is that the year will prove distinctly good."
+    _New Zealand Times._
+
+We infer that, in Mr. WRAGGE's opinion, the War will be over by then.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Minimum.
+
+Extract from a letter just received from H.Q. in France:--
+
+    "C.O.'s will take care that all ranks know that they must never parade
+    before an Officer--Brigade, Regimental or Company--unless properly
+    dressed, wearing at least a belt."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The few women on the platform were dressed quietly, as befitted the
+    occasion, the smartest person present being Mr. McKenna."--_Illustrated
+    Sunday Herald._
+
+Our contemporary might have told us what he wore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GOLFER'S PROTEST.
+
+  Among the shocks that laid us flat
+    When WILLIAM loosed his wanton hordes
+  There fell no bloodier blow than that
+    Which turned our niblicks into swords;
+  And O how bitter England's cup,
+    In what despair the order sunk her
+  That called her Cincinnati up
+    When busy ploughing in the bunker!
+
+  Even with those who stuck it out,
+    Bravely defying public shame,
+  Visions of trenches knocked about
+    Would often spoil their usual game;
+  Rumours of victory dearly bought,
+    Or else of bad strategic hitches,
+  Disturbed their concentrated thought
+    And put them off their mashie pitches.
+
+  Now comes a menace yet more rude
+    That puts us even further off;
+  It says the nation's need of food
+    Must come before the claims of golf;
+  We hear of parties going round,
+    Aided by local War-Committees,
+  To violate our sacred ground
+    By planting veg. along our "pretties."
+
+  If there be truth in that report,
+    Then have we reached the limit, viz.:--
+  The ruin of that manly sport
+    Which made our country what it is;
+  The ravages we soon restore
+    By conies wrought or hoofs of mutton,
+  But centuries must pass before
+    A turnip-patch is fit to putt on.
+
+  What! Shall we sacrifice the scenes
+    On which our higher natures thrive
+  Just to provide the vulgar means
+    To keep our lower selves alive?
+  Better to starve (or, better still,
+    Up hands and kiss the Hun peace-makers)
+  Than suffer PROTHERO to till
+    The British golfer's holy acres.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSONAL PARS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to some of our chatty contemporaries_.)
+
+HAPPY C.-IN-C.--I saw the Commander-in-Chief to-day passing through the
+little village of X in an open car. He was very quietly dressed in khaki,
+with touches of scarlet on the hat and by the collar. I waved my hand to
+him and he returned the salute. It is small acts like this which endear him
+to all. I noticed that the Field-Marshal was not carrying his baton.
+Doubtless he did not wish to spoil its pristine freshness with the mud of
+the roads.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OF COURSE.--A friend in the Guards tells me that the new food restrictions
+do not affect the men in the trenches very seriously. Our brave soldiers
+are so inured to hardships by now that they willingly forgo seven-course
+dinners.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT STARVING.--While on the subject of food, the picture published on page
+6 of to-day's issue refutes the idea that the Hun is starving. It
+represents the KAISER looking at some pigs. The KAISER can be distinguished
+by a x.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONS FOR MEN.--Now that mid-winter is with us it is quite a common
+event to meet fur-clad denizens of the firing line. Some of the new
+season's coats are the last word in chic, one which I noticed yesterday
+made of black goat, having pockets of seal coney with collar and cuffs of
+civet. The wearer's feet were encased in the latest style of gum boots,
+reaching to the thigh and fastening with a buckle. These are being worn
+loose round the ankle. A green steel helmet, draped in sandbag material,
+completed the costume. The field service cap was not being worn inside the
+helmet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NUMBER NINE.--The Army doctors, so it seems, do not fully understand the
+delicate constitution of a friend of mine in the Blues, and sent him back
+to duty after dosing him with medicine, though he is suffering from pain in
+the foot. The medicine generally takes the form of a "Number Nine," the
+pill that cures all ills; but last time he went on sick parade they were
+out of stock, and he was given two "Number Fours" and a "Number One"
+instead. Rough-and-ready pharmacy. What?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPIRITED.--Met my old chum, Sir William ----, just back from the trenches.
+Dear old Billy, what cigars he used to smoke in the good old days! He tells
+me that when on a carrying fatigue the other night one of his men dropped
+the earthenware receptacle which contains Tommy's greatest consolation in
+this terrible war, and every drop of the precious liquid was spilt. Five
+minutes later a Jack Johnson landed beside him and put things right. _It
+gave him a rum jar_. Good, eh?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE TO LUNCH.--I am just off to lunch with my old pal, the Hon. Adolphus
+Lawrie-Carr, of the Motor Transport Section of the A.S.C. I have never seen
+him look better than he does now, in hunting stock and field boots, crop
+and spurs. He always gives one a first-class meal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT PUSH.--I had a most interesting conversation the other day with
+Alphonse, late of the Saveloy. He is on the G.H.Q. Staff in a position of
+high trust--something to do with the culinary arrangements, I believe--and
+is, of course, in the know. From what he told me confidentially I can
+assure all my countless readers that there will be fighting on the Western
+Front during 1917, and, in the words of Mr. Hilary Bullox, "If it is not
+prolonged until next year, the present year will certainly see the end of
+the War." More I cannot divulge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Cautious Contemporaries.
+
+    "What can be said with truth is that business in the New Loan for the
+    first two days is easily AZ per cent. better for new money than for the
+    same period on the occasion of the last loan."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ANCIENT ORDER OF HIBERNIANS.
+
+    State President Fee has requisitioned a large supply of stationery; he
+    announces that he will at once begin an active canvas of the State to
+    revive old divisions and organize new ones."--_Texas Newspaper_.
+
+Just as if he were at home in dear old Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Athens, Wednesday.
+
+    The ex-Premiers who were consulted yesterday by the iKng, were
+    unanimously of opinion that the Entente Note was not yesterday by the
+    King were unanimously as its acceptance would imply that Greece
+    contemplated an attack on General Sarrail's rear."--_Continental Daily
+    Mail_.
+
+Yet there are some people who complain that the situation in Greece is not
+entirely clear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE APPLE OF DISCORD.
+
+AUSTRIA. "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?"
+
+GERMANY. "SPOILS OF ROUMANIA."
+
+AUSTRIA. "WELL, IF IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH TO SPLIT YOU MIGHT LET US HAVE THE
+CORE."
+
+GERMANY. "'THERE AIN'T GOING TO BE NO CORE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WAY NOT TO PAY OLD DEBTS.
+
+"Hullo, old thing!" said Herbert gloomily; "lots of Congrats. Lucky devil,
+you," and he sighed unobtrusively.
+
+I had forgotten that once upon a time Adela had refused to walk out with
+Herbert because of his puttees, which she said were so original that they
+distracted her attention from the way he proposed.
+
+Remembering this now, I offered my cousin a sympathetic cigarette, which
+he, shaking himself free from care, accepted; after which he began to
+borrow ten pounds--an achievement which, I am proud to say, cost him nearly
+twenty minutes' hard labour.
+
+Not so very long afterwards Adela and I had a honeymoon, followed by a
+picture-postcard from Herbert. He said he was sorry he hadn't been there to
+throw boots at us, but he was convalescing on the Cornish Riviera, the
+exact spot being marked with a cross; also one could not send money by
+postcard, but I was not to think he was forgetting about that fiver he had
+borrowed.
+
+The first part of this document caused Adela to wonder vaguely if wounded
+officers ought to convalesce in chimney-pots, but the last words gave me
+some twinges of a more sincere alarm. Was Herbert's delusion a permanency,
+or merely a slip of the pen?
+
+"Adela," I decided, "let's ask Herbert to dinner as soon as ever he leaves
+the roofs of the British Riviera."
+
+Then one day, when I was writing letters in the Mess, he strolled in.
+"Hullo!" he said, "where's the C.O.? What?... Oh, thanks awfully, and ...
+Oh, I say, good Lord! I owe you three quid, don't I?" and he drifted out
+abstractedly.
+
+"Three!" I echoed dizzily, as the door banged. I staggered home for the
+week-end.
+
+I found Adela having an excited conversation with the telephone in the
+hall.
+
+"Ooo!" she said, hanging up the receiver, "Herbert's a hero. He's just been
+telling me. And he's coming to dinner to-night."
+
+"I also," I responded with emotion, "have a tale to unfold," and I unfolded
+it.
+
+When at last Herbert, moving modestly under the burden of a newly acquired
+D.S.O., arrived at the flat, hospitality and an unaccustomed awe withheld
+me from referring to so sordid a matter as the inconsiderable decrease in
+my lately-invested capital. Herbert, however, deprecated heroics, and, as
+he was saying good-night, came of his own accord to the subject of debts.
+He was always a conscientious fellow.
+
+"You know, old chap," he said with charming candour, as I saw him off from
+the doorstep, "you _must_ remind me to pay up that two quid some time. I
+keep forgetting, and when I do remember, like now, I haven't any money to
+do it with. Cheero!" The door clicked and I swooned.
+
+It was very difficult; I could not even make up my mind whether my best
+policy was to stalk Herbert with vigilance or to avoid him as persistently
+as discipline allowed. On the one hand he wasn't the cheque-book kind of
+man and he wouldn't pay me unless he saw me. Contrariwise, he wouldn't even
+if he did, and whenever he saw me my original loan of ten gold sovereigns
+might continue its rapid decline. Finally I decided to abstain from his
+society.
+
+Shortly after this momentous decision the War Office sent him off to some
+remote part of the country, and for many months our financial relations
+remained unaltered--at any rate in my own estimation. He was still far away
+when Adela II arrived, so we did our best to hush her up; we thought that
+if we could smuggle her to, say, the age of ten and send her to school
+Herbert couldn't possibly come and congratulate us about her. That only
+shows how much we didn't know; for Herbert procured some leave three weeks
+later and was excitedly mounting our stairs within a few hours.
+
+"P'r'aps," whispered Adela bravely as he was being announced, "he'll forget
+about money--p'r'aps he'll even put it up a bit."
+
+I smiled cynically, and was justified ten minutes later, when Herbert's
+conscience, troubled and apologetic, reminded him about that guinea he owed
+me.
+
+At the christening it fell to half-a-quid, and, according to Herbert's
+latest allegation, it is only his rotten memory for postal-orders that
+prevents him from sending me that dollar at once.
+
+And so, precariously, the matter rested till to-day, when the final blow
+fell from the War Office. Herbert and I are to proceed to France together
+next Monday. On that day, if I am ingenious and agile enough not to meet
+him before, we ought to be about all square; after that, as far as I can
+see, there will be an inevitable moment when Herbert will turn to me with,
+"I say, old fellow, you can't let me have that ten bob you touched me for
+the other day, can you? Hate to ask you, but I haven't got a sou ..." But I
+won't--no, I won't. I will let my imaginary debt mount up, I will let it
+increase even at the rate at which Herbert's has decreased, but I will not
+pay it. Herbert, of course, will always be kind to me about it, for he is a
+generous creature; and every time we go into action he will probably wring
+my hand and beg me not to worry about it any more.
+
+"Old man," he will be saying on the twenty-ninth occasion, "if I got done
+in, promise you won't bother about that thousand pounds you owe
+me--remember you're to think of it as paid."
+
+I shall remember all right.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _N.C.O._ "HERE! JUST GRAB THE OOJAH AN' DASH ROUND TO THE
+TIDDLEY-OM-POM FOR SOME UMPTY-POO!"
+
+Private (ex-professor of languages) learns later that he was expected to
+fetch a bucket of coke from the stores.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In a corn and meal merchant's shop, where two or three cats are kept
+    for business purposes, the cats may be seen feeding at will from the
+    open sacks."--_Spectator_.
+
+This lapse on pussy's part goes rather against the grain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Barber_. "MUCH OFF, SIR?"
+
+_War Economist_. "DURATION OF WAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POLITICAL NOTES.
+
+BY OUR OWN PAIR OF LYNX.
+
+There is unfortunately no truth in the rumour that, in order to provide
+billets for 5,000 new typists, and incidentally to win the War, the
+Government has commandeered the Houses of Parliament.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The problem of the housing of the traveller-classes when all the hotels of
+London have been taken over by the Government is now occupying both the
+waking and sleeping hours (such as they are) of the War Cabinet, and a
+special department of the Intelligence Department has been created to deal
+with it on the roof of No. 10 Downing Street. It has not yet been decided
+whether all visitors to London should be sent back as soon as they arrive,
+or whether Sir JOSEPH LYONS should reap the sole benefit of their sojourn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although the proprietors of the Hotel des Ambassadeurs, Ealing, and the
+Grand Hotel Riche, Mile End, have offered the Government their premises, on
+the most advantageous terms to themselves, no arrangement has yet been
+effected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A deputation of officials recently visited the Zoo and made a number of
+measurements, but no decision has yet been reached as to whether or no it
+will be taken over for Government work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is absolutely no truth in the statement, circulated by some wholly
+frivolous or malicious person, that any of the theatres or music-halls are
+to be closed during the War in order to make space for workers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is rumoured that Mr. EDWARD MARSH may very shortly take up his duties as
+Minister of Poetry and the Fine Arts. Mr. MARSH has not yet decided whether
+he will appoint Mr. ASQUITH or Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL as his private
+secretary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Meanwhile a full list of the private secretaries of the new private
+secretaries of the members of the new Government may at any moment be
+disclosed to a long-suffering public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The latest Captain of Commerce to be diverted from his own business for the
+benefit of his country is the head of the great curl industry. He will have
+one on his sleeve, being given commissioned rank in the Navy, and his
+special duty will be the control of the waves of the Channel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the invitation of the PREMIER, whose summons came to him just as he was
+entering his car bound for Pall Mall, Mr. HARVEY TATE has agreed to accept
+the portfolio of the Ministry of Road Traffic. Mr. TATE'S long experience
+as a motorist and familiarity with all the difficulties of motoring qualify
+him peculiarly for this post. One of his first tasks will be to inquire
+fully into the charges against the taxi varlet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In spite of all rumours to the contrary, Lord NORTHCLIFFE will remain
+outside the new Government, but his interest in it is, at present,
+friendly. It is very well understood, however, that everyone must behave;
+for his Lordship, in one of his rare intervals of expansion, has been heard
+to remark that there are as good fish in the sea as ever came out of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Bishop of Winchester proposes to cultivate the park round big
+    Palace at Fulham."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.
+
+The Bishop of LONDON will, no doubt, return the compliment at Farnham.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WARS OF THE PAST.
+
+(_As recorded in the Press of the period._)
+
+VII.
+
+_From "Tempora" (Rome)._
+
+Admittedly, the peril is extreme. Crustumerium has fallen, and also Ostia.
+However, Janiculum, the key to the whole outer system of the City's
+defences, still stands, and there is accordingly no immediate cause for
+dismay. But we are strongly of the opinion--so rapid has been LARS
+PORSENA'S advance hitherto--that the bridge over the Tiber should be at
+once destroyed as a precautionary measure while there is yet time. We have
+every confidence in the continued capacity for resistance of the strong
+garrison at Janiculum, but it is necessary to be prepared for every
+eventuality; and if the fortress _should_ fall without the bridge being
+demolished the latter would inevitably be seized by the enemy, and the
+Tiber, our last line of defence, would be lost to us.
+
+For the rest, the spirit of the people is excellent. It has become almost a
+truism to say that nowadays none is for a party, but all are for the State.
+Rich and poor have learned to help and respect each other. Indeed, in these
+brave days Romans, in Rome's quarrel, have poured out blood and treasure
+unsparingly for the common cause. We are like a nation of brothers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Placard of "Hesperus" (Special Phosphorus Edition)_:--
+
+FALL
+
+OF
+
+JANICULUM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Hesperus" (Noon Edition)._
+
+SWIFT ADVANCE OF THE ENEMY.
+
+WAR COUNCIL MEETS.
+
+HORATIUS TO HOLD BRIDGE-HEAD.
+
+CAN THE BRIDGE BE DESTROYED IN TIME?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Secretary to the Senate announces_:
+
+"The War Council met at the River Gate immediately on receipt of the news
+of the fall of Janiculum. It was decided to accept the offer of
+Port-Captain HORATIUS (S.P.Q.R.'s Own), SPURIUS LARTIUS (Ramnian Regt.),
+and HERMINIUS ("Titian Toughs"), who gallantly volunteered to hold the
+bridge-head in order to give time for the bridge itself to be destroyed.
+All hope of saving the town should not therefore be abandoned."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From our Special Correspondent._
+
+I have just returned from the River Gate, where I was, I believe, the first
+to applaud one of the Patres Conscripti (commanding the Axe-and-Crowbar
+Volunteers), who set a fine example by actually starting on the demolition
+of the bridge himself. Already you could see the Tuscan hordes in the
+swarthy dust that shrouded the Western horizon. I was myself in a position
+to pick out ASTUR, who was girt with the brand which (I am informed by a
+high authority) none but he can wield. There is no need to describe to you
+the firmament-rending yell that rose when the presence of the false and
+shameful SEXTUS was officially notified. One saw women who hissed and even
+expectorated in his direction, and more than one child, I noticed, shook
+its small fist at him with splendid spirit....
+
+I am told that HORATIUS spoke out pretty plainly to the Senate, expressing
+the opinion that three men could easily hold the bridge-head. The gallant
+officer, interviewed while he was in the act of tightening his harness,
+declined to say much, merely expressing the opinion that everyone has got
+to die some time and that there was, after all, some satisfaction in being
+killed in a fight against odds. I confess I was favourably impressed by the
+very nonchalance of his attitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Stop Press News._
+
+LARTIUS BEAT AUNUS. HERMINIUS BEAT SEIUS. HORATIUS BEAT PICUS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Hesperus" (Fourth Edition)._
+
+BRIDGE-HEAD STILL HELD.
+
+DEATH OF ASTUR.
+
+UNFORTUNATE MISHAP TO A LICTOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Secretary to the Senate announces_:
+
+"Latest advices show that HORATIUS has despatched ASTUR, and, though
+slightly wounded in this encounter, has been able to keep his place in the
+line. The bridge head is still being held and there is now a pause in the
+fighting. The total enemy casualties up to the present are estimated at:
+_Killed_, 7; _Wounded_, 0; _Missing_, 0. Our own casualties are: _Killed_,
+0; _Wounded_, 1; _Missing_, 0. A regrettable incident took place during the
+demolition of the bridge, a Lictor having sliced himself with one of his
+own axes and being compelled to relinquish his valuable labours."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+(_Stop-Press News_.)
+
+HORATIUS CUT OFF.
+
+The bridge has been successfully destroyed shortly after the skilful
+withdrawal of LARTIUS and HERMINIUS in the face of the enemy. We greatly
+regret to add that HORATIUS is missing, I having failed to make good his
+retreat with his comrades, and must be regarded as lost.--(_Official_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Hesperus" (Special Home Edition)._
+
+HORATIUS SAFE.
+
+HOW HE SWAM THE RIVER.
+
+(_By our Special Correspondent._)
+
+HORATIUS, the only one of the "dauntless three" (as they have been already
+named) about whose safety doubts were entertained, has swum the river and
+is safe. I saw him, when the bridge fell, standing alone, but obviously
+with all his wits about him, despite the ninety thousand foes before and
+the broad flood behind. When he turned round he might have seen, I believe,
+from where he was standing (just where, on other occasions, I have stood
+myself) the white porch of his home. His lips parted as if in prayer. The
+next moment, pausing only to sheathe his ensanguined sword, he took a
+graceful dive into the river.
+
+Some moments of terrible tension ensued. When at last his head appeared
+above the surges, a cry of indescribable rapture went up, and I am happy to
+place on record the fact that I distinctly detected a note of generous
+cheering from the Tuscan ranks.
+
+But all was not yet over. The current ran fiercely, swollen high by months
+of rain. Often I thought him sinking--and indeed nearly sent in a message
+to that effect--but still again he rose. Never, I think, did any swimmer in
+like circumstances perform such a remarkable feat of natation. But at
+length he felt the bottom, was helped ashore by myself and the Senate, and
+was carried shoulder-high through the River Gate. I understand that some
+special recognition is to be made of his splendid feat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From "Rome Chat."_
+
+Our frontispiece this week is a family group of brave Captain HORATIUS,
+together with the tender mother who (formerly) dandled him to rest, and his
+wife, who, it will be noticed, is nursing his youngest baby. We are glad to
+hear that, in conformity with the principle of settling our gallant
+soldiers on the land, a goodly tract is to be given to this popular hero.
+The story of how he held the bridge-head will certainly afford a stirring
+tale for the home-circle for a long time to come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LUMME! THIS IS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, I DON'T THINK. ME
+A-VOLUNTEERIN' FOR INFANTRY, GOIN' RIGHT THROUGH ME TRAININ', AN' NAH THEY
+MAKES A BLOOMIN' LANCER OF ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'EAD-WORK.
+
+Bob Winter is our local carrier. His old grey mare Molly--or a predecessor
+very like her, driven by Bob's father before him--has jogged into town on
+market days as long as anyone in the village can remember. The
+weather-beaten, oft-patched tilt of Bob's cart must have heard in its day
+generations of village gossip, and a mere inspection of the cargo on the
+flap which lets down at the back will provide quite an amount of
+interesting information, such as "whose new housemaid's tin trunk be
+a-goin' to station already, lookee, and who be a-getten a new tyre to ees
+bicycle--see."
+
+Now, however, there is a likelihood that Bob may be called up; and the fate
+of the carrying business hangs in the balance.
+
+"Never mind, Bob," I said (I had overtaken him and old Molly sauntering up
+the steep hill above the village); "if it comes to that, you know, the
+women-folk will have to take turns at the carrying while you are away. I
+believe I should make rather a good carrier."
+
+Bob shook his head and looked evasive.
+
+"No, Miss," he said, "'twuddn' do, 'twuddn' do at all."
+
+"Come," I said, "you don't mean to say Molly would be too much for me?"
+
+"No, Miss, 'tain't Molly, but--well, 'tain't no job for a lady, ain't the
+carryin'; leastways, not to my way o' thinkin'."
+
+"Oh, but I should get the people at the shops to help me with the heavy
+things."
+
+Bob cleared his throat loudly and looked more uncomfortable still. Then at
+last he decided to take the plunge.
+
+"'Tain't the liftin' that do be troublin' I, Miss," he said confidentially,
+"'tis the 'ead-work. I don't believe there be a wumman livin' could do it.
+There be a tur'ble lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business. Why, I do
+think--think--think mornen till night, till what wi' one thing an' what wi'
+another thing I'm sure there's times when I don't know if I be on my 'ead
+or my 'eels. Why, I've seen the time when I've a-comed in and I've a-set
+down and I've a-said to Missis, 'No, Missis, I don't want no tea; I don't
+want nothen only to set quiet, for I be just about tired out with that
+there thinkin'.'
+
+"There be such a sight o' things you do have to remember, lookee. What wi'
+the grocer, an' what wi' the draper, an' folks's parcels to leave an'
+folks's parcels to call for, an' picken up here an' setten down
+there--well, a woman's brain ain't strong enough for it, leastways not to
+my way o' thinkin'....
+
+"Well, now, if I ain't a-gone an' forgot to call at old Mrs. Pettigrew's
+for her subscription for to get made up at the chemist's! There, now, Miss,
+don't that just show how you do 'ave to kip on thinkin' all the time, else
+you be just about sure to forget somethin' or another? Oh yes, there be a
+smartish lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business, an' no mistake!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Enviable Post.
+
+From a list of the new Government:--
+
+    "Chancellor of the Ducky of Lancaster: Sir Frederick Cawley."--_Star_
+    (_Johannesburg_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Man, to drive horse and make himself generally useful in nursery."--
+    _Provincial Press_.
+
+No doubt a rocking-horse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a New Zealand diocesan magazine:--
+
+    "Owing to the continued illness of the Vicar, which we trust is
+    reaching its last stage, the services of the Church have been conducted
+    by the following," etc.
+
+The Vicar, we understand, thinks this might have been more tactfully
+worded.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Long-suffering Wife_ (_to amateur politician_). "OH, ALL
+RIGHT. DON'T KEEP 'OLLERIN' AT ME ABOUT THE WAR AND THE GOVER'MENT! WHO DO
+YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO--LORD DEVUMPORK?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PURIFIED PRUSSIAN.
+
+[Writing in _Die Woche_ a well-known Baroness, a leader of Berlin society,
+discusses the transformation and purification of Berlin conviviality by the
+War. Social functions accompanied by eating have altogether ceased and
+given way to more refined gatherings--aesthetic afternoon teas and elegant
+evening parties--at which the conversation reaches heights of brilliancy
+unheard of in the old carnivorous days. Unhappily snobbery still prevails,
+"every class pretending to be richer and better than they are--small
+officials, officers, landowners, all pretending to be millionaires, and
+doing their pretension shabbily."]
+
+  One of the leading Prussian social stars
+    Opines that War, although it makes for leanness,
+  Not only banishes discordant jars
+    And purifies Berlin of all uncleanness,
+  But places her, beatified by Mars,
+    Upon a pinnacle of mental keenness,
+  Changing the cult of trencher and of bowl
+  To feasts of reason and o'erflows of soul.
+
+  The gross carnivorous orgies of the past
+    Have gone, and in their place is something finer;
+  Emotions of a transcendental cast
+    Preoccupy the luncher and the diner;
+  The Hun, in short, by being forced to fast,
+    Has grown ethereal, more alert, diviner;
+  And, purged of all incentive to frivolity,
+  His speech has almost lost its guttural quality.
+
+  His talk, of old to stodginess inclined,
+    Now sparkles with consistent coruscation,
+  Attaining heights of mirth and wit combined
+    Unknown to any previous generation,
+  But always exquisitely pure, refined
+    And spiritual, as befits the nation
+  In which the nicer touch was never missing
+  Down from great FREDERICK to blameless BISSING.
+
+  'Tis easy, though the writer does not tell,
+    To guess the themes which prompt the brightest sallies;
+  Louvain; the _Lusitania_; Nurse CAVELL--
+    With these Hun wit most delicately dallies;
+  The wreck of Reims; the Prussic acid shell;
+    The desolation of Armenia's valleys;
+  The toll of Belgian infants slain ere birth--
+  All these excite Berlin's ecstatic mirth.
+
+  And yet a slight _amari aliquid_
+    Is mingled with this lady's honeyed phrases;
+  Berlin society is not yet rid
+    Of one of its less admirable phases;
+  There is, in other words, one fly amid
+    The precious ointment of the writer's praises;
+  In every class are those who ape the airs
+  Of the superior nobs and millionaires.
+
+  But still, when all reserves are duly made
+    For negligible faults in tact or breeding,
+  The picture by this noble scribe displayed
+    Of high-browed Hundom makes impressive reading;
+  For homage to convivial needs is paid
+    Without the faintest risk of over-feeding,
+  And, braced by frugal fare, the Prussian brain
+  Soars to a perfectly celestial plane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I AM THE MAN."
+
+["What is wanted is a moral deed, to free the world ... from the pressure
+which weighs upon all. For such a deed it is necessary to find a ruler who
+has a conscience.... I have the courage."--_Extract of letter from the
+GERMAN KAISER to his Chancellor, dated October 31st, 1916, and recently
+published in "The North German Gazette."_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ADVANTAGE OF A SCIENTIFIC EDUCATION.
+
+_Drawing Mistress_ (_to member of class that has been told to draw some
+object of natural history_). "NOW, JAMES, THAT IS NAUGHTY. WHY HAVEN'T YOU
+DONE A NATURAL HISTORY SUBJECT?"
+
+_James_. "BUT I HAVE. I'VE DRAWN THE RED CORPUSCLES IN THE BLOOD OF A
+FROG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FLEETING DETACHMENT.
+
+Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.), stepped off the footboard of X.33, a
+mediaeval Vanguard, and splashed his way round to the driver. "I'm fair sick
+o' this 'ere Flanders, I am," he complained, expectorating dolorously into
+the sea of mud; "'spose it 'ull be up to the blinkin' axles before
+February?" He stirred the mixture with a cautious foot.
+
+"Not 'arf, ole sport," replied the driver, carefully unsticking a cigarette
+from his underlip. "But yer ought to 'ave bin out larst winter, then yer
+did 'ave to sit above yerself to keep yer tootsies dry."
+
+"Wot--wuss than this?" exclaimed the disconsolate one.
+
+"Wuss!" was the withering retort. "Wy, when I tells yer that some o' them
+Naval 'Umming-birds, t'other side o' Popinjay, fitted out an ole Blue
+'Ammersmith with a pair o' propellers ... Wuss!" He exhaled scornfully and
+gave a turn to the lubricator.
+
+"Any chance o' getting down Vermelly way? They say it ain't 'arf bad
+there." Albert brightened up at the thought.
+
+"'Tain't likely," was the sharp and unsympathetic reply. "'Oo do yer
+think's goin' ter do this little job if they takes our lot away? Wy, this
+'ere road is just like 'Igh 'Olborn to me; I knows all the 'umps and
+'ollows blindfold."
+
+Albert returned to the stern sheets and considered the most feasible method
+of desertion.
+
+Half-an-hour later, when the daylight had gone, X.33, generously
+over-flowing with a detachment of the 20th Mudlarkers, was, in company with
+many other vehicles, making her inharmonious way along the "Wipers" road.
+Judging from the plunginess of her progress and the fluent language of the
+man of oil, it was evident that some of the "'umps and 'ollows" had passed
+from the driver's memory. Not that such a slight matter could damp the
+spirits of the passengers. Rather it served to entertain them.
+
+"We '_ave_ gone an' fallen out of the dress-circle this time," a voice
+exclaimed after an extra steep dive into a badly-filled shell crater.
+
+Albert, wet and unsociable, hung gloomily on to the back rail.
+
+"Carn't see wot they got to be so blinkin' 'appy abart," he muttered
+savagely; "I don't believe it's 'arf bad in them trenches." He ruminated
+bitterly on the thought that his job was probably the worst one on the
+whole front, and made a resolve to put the matter right.
+
+When the final stopping-place had been reached and the 20th Mudlarkers,
+after the usual indescribable melee, had been put upon the path that would
+ultimately lead them (if they were fortunate enough to avoid all guides,
+philosophers and friends) to their trench, the man of oil was profanely
+grieved to discover that Albert Snape had abandoned X33 for the unknown.
+
+As a matter of fact Albert had slipped away and followed the Mudlarkers,
+with a hazy idea that a rifle would fortuitously present itself. That an
+extra unit could possibly be noticed never occurred to him. He had a vague
+intention of joining a cavalry regiment. Very soon he lost the Mudlarkers,
+and then, by an easy sequence of events, himself.
+
+"Wha goes there?" whispered a hoarse voice almost in his ear. It gave him
+quite an unpleasant start, but, suppressing his first inspiration, which
+was to say the Life Guards, he answered, "I'm a Mudlarker!"
+
+"This iss the Seaforths in supporrt," remarked the sentry; "ye'll be in the
+firrst line, na doot. Ye'll hae to go back, an' it's the firrst turnin' tae
+the left, an' keep as strecht as ye can." The Highlander stepped back into
+the deeper shadows and the self-recruited Mudlarker continued his career.
+
+He traversed what seemed to him an interminable number of trenches without
+encountering anyone. There was a reason for this lack of companionship, but
+it did not at first appeal to his imagination. Suddenly he was startled by
+the vicious "phut, phut, phut" of unpleasantly close shooting, and bullets
+began to splash and grease along the bottom of the trench, accompanied by
+the stutter of a machine gun.
+
+Miraculously untouched, he slid over the parados and lay, sweating with
+fright, in the watery furrow of a turnip field.
+
+The trench was one that was seldom used, being thoroughly exposed to
+enfilading fire. At stated periods through the night a machine gun was
+turned on, a proceeding which, beyond gratifying the Huns, had no sort of
+effect. Albert, in blissful ignorance of all such customs, floundered about
+amongst the turnips until he came across a Jack Johnson crater. From this
+he emerged even wetter than before. A little later he became mixed up with
+some barbed wire. The more be tried to get away the more inextricably he
+became involved with it. A star shell burst overhead, and a German sniper,
+seizing the chance of a lifetime, put in four rounds rapid fire.
+
+Albert lost the lobe of an ear and had his breeches shot through, but he
+managed to escape from the wire and find another furrow. Mere dampness no
+longer inconvenienced him, there were so many other things to think about.
+He crawled stealthily on his hands and knees and found the barbed wire
+again. At length he heard the welcome sound of voices. He crawled faster
+until he became aware that the voices were not speaking English, This
+discovery turned him to stone. For an hour--perhaps two hours--he remained
+as still as a hare in its form.
+
+Suddenly, blurred and crouching figures appeared out of the night. They
+moved quickly and silently. One of them nearly trod upon his hand, but he
+was too dazed to think of committing himself to either speech or action.
+
+"Give it 'em!" cried a voice a few seconds later, and the roar of the
+exploding bombs signified that it had been given.
+
+Instantly pandemonium broke loose. Machine gun and rapid rifle fire burst
+forth from the German front trenches, and streams of bullets swept over the
+intervening ground like a gigantic hail-storm; then some field batteries
+began to burst H.E. shrapnel above the disturbed area, while star shells
+and magnesium flares threw an uneven light over the whole scene.
+
+A breathless body cast itself down beside the now completely mesmerised
+Albert: "We ain't 'arf upset the blinkin' beehive. Lumme! it's--"
+
+The prone figure suddenly became silent, gave a convulsive kick or two and
+rolled over towards the man who still lived.
+
+It was sufficient. Something seemed to draw very tense in Albert's brain
+and his body reeled into action.
+
+Blindly and without coherent thought he ran shouting across the field,
+stumbling and falling over the slippery and uneven surface, but always
+picking himself up and flinging his body onward into the unknown.
+
+A subaltern, who was examining a luminous watch, received him at the charge
+as he fell into an English first-line trench. They struggled wildly
+together in the mud to the accompaniment of startling language on the part
+of the subaltern.
+
+Then Albert, having reached his limit of endurance, had the supreme tact to
+faint.
+
+A little later, in a well-found dug-out, the patient was refreshing himself
+with copious draughts of brandy.
+
+"Who are you, and what the devil are you doing here?" asked the still
+indignant officer.
+
+Albert did not hesitate longer than it takes to swallow.
+
+"Lorst me way, I 'ave, Sir. I'm with X 33, attached to Mechanical
+Transport, an' if I ain't back pretty quick my mate 'ull fair 'ave a
+bloomin' fit."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As was predicted by the sagacious man of oil, the mud upon the ---- road is
+slowly climbing towards the axles, but in spite of this and sundry other
+drawbacks it would be hard to find a more contented spirit than that of
+Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIONS AT PLAY.
+
+BY A SUBALTERN.
+
+The Colonel rustles his newspaper, smites it into shape with a mighty fist,
+rips it across in a futile endeavour to fold it accurately, and, casting it
+furiously aside in a crumpled mass, says, after the manner of all true War
+Lords, "Umph." Whereupon the Ante-Room as one man takes cover.
+
+The Colonel then turns cumbrously in his chair, permitting his eye to rove
+round the room in search of the unwary prey. He smiles cynically at the
+intense concentration of the Auction parties; winces at the renewed and
+unnatural efforts of those who make music; glares unamiably at the feverish
+book-worms, and suddenly breaks into little chuckles of satisfaction. The
+Ante-Room peers cautiously round to discover the identity of the
+unfortunate victim, and chuckles in its turn. The Adjutant, checked in his
+stealthy retreat, hastens back, arranges the table and chess-board, pokes
+the fire with unnecessary energy, and sits down. At once the Ante-Room
+abandons its cover.
+
+The Colonel begins by grasping the box, turning it upside down, and
+spilling the contents over the sides of the table. The Adjutant immediately
+apologises for his clumsiness. The Colonel then liberally spreads out the
+pieces, selects two pawns, and offers the Adjutant the choice of two fists.
+The Adjutant chooses. Each fist opens to disclose a white pawn. The
+Colonel's expansive smile over his little joke quickly turns to a frown at
+the Adjutant's exaggerated laughter. He suspects the Adjutant. He seizes
+two more pieces, offers his opponent another choice, but, to the latter's
+huge delight and his own discomfiture, eventually discovers that both are
+black. He accordingly makes use of his casting vote and selects white.
+
+The Colonel plays a smashing game. When it is his turn to move he never
+pauses to make up his mind. His mind is already made up. All he has to do,
+immediately the Adjutant has finished touching up his position, is to move
+the piece his eye has been piercing throughout the long period of his
+opponent's cautious deliberation. When the Colonel moves a piece he may be
+said to get there. All obstructions are ruthlessly swept aside with a
+callous indifference to Hague Conventions. Should a knight haply descend
+from the clouds and settle on the correct square it arrives more by luck
+than judgment. Tradition alleges that whenever the Colonel is called upon
+to move his king in the earlier stages of the game all lights are turned
+off from the neighbouring town in accordance with the Defence of the Realm
+Regulations. However true this may be--the responsibility rests on the
+Padre's capable shoulders--when his king is moved in the later stages the
+Colonel pushes it along by half-squares in a haphazard and preoccupied
+manner. He invariably fills his pipe when the end is in sight, but leaves
+it unlighted so that he may cover his ultimate defeat by a general
+demolition of matches.
+
+On this occasion the Adjutant skilfully snipes the Colonel's queen in the
+sixth move. The Colonel immediately retrieves the piece from the box, asks
+where it was before, examines it with the essence of loathing and revolt,
+removes it out of his sight, and refuses to take it back, although he had
+mistaken it for another piece. In retaliation he proceeds to concentrate
+all his effectives on his opponent's queen, and, after sacrificing the
+flower of his forces, drives the attack home and gains his objective with
+the greatest enthusiasm. He remarks that the capture was costly, but that
+honour is satisfied, and would the waiter kindly approach within ear-shot?
+
+While the Adjutant is working up his offensive on the Colonel's right
+flank, the Colonel himself is making independent sallies on the left,
+unless, of course, he is compelled to march his king out of a congested
+district into more open country. On the rare occasions when he is at a loss
+for a moment what to do he makes it a practice to move a pawn one square in
+order to gain time. By this method, unexpectedly but none the less
+jubilantly, he recovers his queen--only to see it laid low again by
+enfilading fire from a perfectly obvious redoubt.
+
+After twenty minutes of battle the Colonel's area becomes positively
+draughty, and the sole survivors of his dashing but sanguinary
+counter-attack, the king and two pawns, have assumed the bored and callous
+air of a remnant that has fought too long and is called upon to fight
+again. The Colonel has just unceremoniously pushed his sovereign to the
+rear with a flick of his nervous irritated little finger. His opponent can
+obviously bring him to his knees in two moves. Instead of which the
+Adjutant brazenly commences with massed bands and colours flying to execute
+a masterly tactical advance with the whole of his command--cavalry,
+infantry, church and tanks, in order to achieve the destruction of the two
+bantam bodyguards.
+
+This is not playing the game, and the Colonel fumes inwardly and frets
+outwardly. In the intervals of pressing down the unlit tobacco in his pipe
+with an oscillating thumb, he alternately pokes his king out of the corner
+and pulls it back again; while his transparent impulse is to scrap the
+board, wreck the ante-room and run amok. The Adjutant continues his
+innocent amusement until at last the pleasure wanes. The two heroic pawns
+are carried decently off, and he apologetically whispers his suspicions of
+a checkmate to his commanding officer.
+
+The Colonel brushes aside the Mess President's tinder-lighter, shatters the
+mute triumph of the serried black ranks of the hostile forces with one
+superb elevation of the eyebrows, smashes three matches in quick
+succession, and proves that all the time his mind has been preoccupied with
+weightier matters by saying after the manner of all true War Lords, "Umph."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tube Conductor_. "PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE! PASS
+FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE!! (_In desperation_) ANY LADY OR GENTLEMAN
+PRESENT KNOW THE GERMAN FOR 'PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sweetness and Light.
+
+  O MATTHEW ARNOLD! you were right:
+  We need  more  Sweetness  and more Light;
+  For till we break the brutal foe
+  Our sugar's short, our lights are low.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LUCID EXPLANATION.
+
+It was my task to collect from their relatives particulars as to the
+whereabouts of the wounded of our neighbourhood, for the purposes of our
+local report. It wanted five minutes to twelve, the sacred dinner-hour of
+the British artisan, and one name remained upon my list, against which was
+a pencilled note, "Reported returning home." Did that mean that he was
+disabled? And should I manage to gather the necessary information before
+the clock struck?
+
+I knocked at the door, which was opened by a woman wearing a canvas apron
+with a very tight string, her head surmounted by hair-curlers and a cloth
+cap.
+
+"Yes, thanking you kindly," she replied in answer to my question, "me son
+'_as_ been wounded. 'Eard of it from the War Office. This war's a shocking
+business."
+
+I expressed my sympathy and asked for particulars.
+
+"Yer see, he was at Gallipoli."
+
+"At Gallipoli? Then it must have been some time ago? I understood--"
+
+"It was this way. Me son, 'e ses to me, 'Mother,' 'e says, 'don't you
+worry, but I've had a toe took off.' 'E never was one to put up a great
+shout 'bout hisself, nor nothink of that. They took 'im down to their base
+'ospital. Leeharver's the name. Perhaps you know it?"
+
+I cast my mind over the AEgean Islands, from which Mudros sprang up very
+large, and everything else sank into oblivion. "I'm afraid I don't," I
+owned apologetically.
+
+"Thought perhaps you might. L-E first word, H-A-V-R-E second--Leeharver."
+
+"Oh-h, to be sure, Le Havre. I mean--yes, now you mention it, I think I
+have heard of it. And is your son still there?"
+
+Me son, 'e ses the vermin there was something shocking, and they spent all
+their spare time 'unting theirselves."
+
+"What? _not_ in the hospital? Oh, I see; you mean in the trenches."
+
+"And 'im," she continued, not noticing my remark, 'and 'im that partic'lar
+'bout 'is linen; couldn't use a 'andkerchief not unless it was spotless;
+must 'av a clean one every Sunday as reg'lar as the week come round. It do
+seem 'ard, don't it? They've pinched his sweater too. S'pose I shall 'av to
+get 'im another, s'pose I shall; but it's a job to know how to get along
+these times. And now margarine's up this week, that's the latest."
+
+"But your son," I ventured tentatively--"is his foot still bad?"
+
+"Oh, 'is _foot's_ right enough. It's 'is teeth that's the worry. 'E ses to
+me, 'Mother,' he ses, 'afore I can do any good I must 'ave me teeth seen
+to.' Oh, this fighting's cruel work!"
+
+Could he have been wounded in the jaw? The thought was horrible, but I
+remarked with affected cheerfulness, "Well, come, anyhow he is able to
+write."
+
+"Oh, 'e can _write_ right enough--got the prize at school for 'rithmatic,
+'e did."
+
+"Yes, but I mean if he is able to write he can't be so very bad."
+
+"Oh, 'e didn't _write_ that. That was August come a twelvemonth. The very
+first thing they done to him was to take out pretty near 'alf 'is teeth.
+The military authorities do pull you about something shocking."
+
+"And where did he go after Hav--after Leehar--I mean after the hospital?" I
+was getting rather bewildered.
+
+"Oh, 'e went to the War right enough; but 'is digestion's that bad. They
+said 'e'd feel a lot better once 'is teeth was was out, but 'e ses,
+'Mother,' 'e ses, 'you want a mouth full of teeth to eat this bullet beef
+what they give us.' Next thing was they set him to drive them machines."
+
+"What machines would those be?" I asked, groping for a little light.
+
+"Why, them motors as they use out there. 'E got meddling with one of 'em,
+and it was the nearest thing 'e didn't 'ave 'is 'and in a jelly; the
+machine didn't act proper, or somethink o' that."
+
+"And do you mean that his hand was injured?"
+
+"Not as I've 'eard on," came the prompt reply.
+
+"Well, but I thought you said your son _had_ been wounded."
+
+"Ah, yes, that was 'is toe, yer see; sent 'im down to the base 'ospital,
+Leeharver."
+
+"Yes, you told me that; but I heard he might be coming home. I was afraid
+perhaps he was disabled."
+
+"That's right. 'E's coming 'ome right enough. Ought to be 'ere in 'bout
+five minutes. 'Ope 'is dinner 'asn't spiled time I've stood 'ere talking to
+you."
+
+"Well, what _is_ the matter with him then?" I asked desperately.
+
+"Dunno there's anything partic'lar wrong with 'im. 'E's going to get
+married to-morrer, if that's what you mean. 'Ope it won't be the beginning
+of fresh troubles for 'im. But you never know what's coming next."
+
+I agreed that you never did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ELLO, WOT'S THE MATTER WITH 'IM?"
+
+"SHELL SHOCK, I RECKON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.
+
+III.
+
+Jerry, my lad,--We have lost a dear friend, and with him, alas, the piping
+days of peace. No, he is not dead, or even moribund, but his friendship for
+us lives no longer. His name is Feodor, and he is a Bulgar comitadjus, or
+whatever is the singular of "comitadji," and he lived until lately in No. 2
+Dugout, Hyde Park, just over the way.
+
+It is a moot point which delighted us the more, Feodor's charming manner or
+his exquisite trousers. These two characteristics were the more pleasing
+because of their perfect contrast; for whereas his manner was refined and
+retiring, his trousers were distinctly aggressive in their flaunting
+shameless redness.
+
+Feodor's appearances were at first spasmodic. This was only natural, seeing
+that he had not yet instilled into us his own attractive habit of _laisser
+aller_ and _laisser faire_, and that his red trousers offered such a
+beautiful mark.
+
+He would appear suddenly, smile seraphically towards us, and then disappear
+before our snipers could get on to him. At first of course we tried to pot
+him, but gradually our ferocity gave way to amazement and then to
+tolerance. At last came a day when Feodor climbed on to his parapet and
+made us a pretty little speech. We cheered him loudly, although we didn't
+understand much of it. Next day we brought down an interpreter and asked
+Feodor for an encore. His second performance was even more spirited than
+the first, and after a graceful vote of thanks to our benefactor we asked
+the interpreter to oblige.
+
+It appeared that from his boyhood Feodor had been apprenticed to an
+assistant piano-tuner in Varna. Rosy days of rapid promotion followed, and
+the boy, completely wrapped up in his profession, soon became a deputy
+assistant piano-tuner. Then followed the old, old story of vaulting
+ambition.
+
+The youth, his head turned by material success, sought to consolidate his
+social position by a marriage above his station, and dared to aspire to the
+hand of a full piano-tuner's daughter.
+
+The old man tried gentle dissuasion at first, but the obstinate pertinacity
+of the stripling made him gradually lose patience. He was a hale and hearty
+veteran, and when the situation came to a climax his method of dealing with
+it was stern and thorough.
+
+Seizing the hapless Feodor during an evening call he interned him in the
+vitals of a tuneless Baby Grand, and for three hours played on him CHOPIN'S
+polonaise in A flat major, with the loud pedal down. On his release Feodor
+had lost his reason and rushed to the nearest police-station to ask to be
+sent to the Front immediately. His object, he explained, was to end the
+War. The Bulgar authorities thought the plan worth trying and sent him off
+as a comitadjus; and to these circumstances we were indebted for his
+society.
+
+Every day we saw more and more of Feodor, and we grew to love him. As to
+sniping him now--the idea never entered our beads. Accordingly, while a
+deafening strafe proceeded daily on both sides of us, we remained in a
+state of idyllic peace and hatelessness.
+
+Then arrived the cruel day when the Brass Hats came round, and a large and
+important General asked us--
+
+"But are you being offensive enough to the enemy in front?"
+
+"Offensive to Feodor, Sir? Impossible!"
+
+"You _must_ be offensive," he rejoined. "I don't think there is sufficient
+hate in this part of the line."
+
+It was this unfortunate moment that Feodor chose to step on to his parapet
+and call out cheerfully to the Great Man--
+
+"Good morning, John_ee_!"
+
+For one tense moment I thought the General would burst. By an effort he
+pulled himself together, however, and shouted to my troops in a voice of
+thunder--
+
+"At That Person in front--fifteen rounds rapid. Fire!"
+
+We had to do it, of course, and, although I think most of our sights were a
+little high, accidents _will_ happen. Feodor emitted one unearthly shriek,
+and his time back towards home would, if it had been taken, make a world's
+championship record.
+
+I don't think he was physically hurt; but his poor trousers were badly
+punctured!...
+
+Our friend, Jerry, may not be lost, but he is certainly gone behind.
+
+  Yours always,
+  PETER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_who has been photographed for passport_). "THIS
+PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL. WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!"
+
+_Photographer_. "I'M VERY SORRY, LADY; BUT, YOU SEE, THE GOVERNMENT WON'T
+ALLOW US TO TOUCH UP ANY PASSPORT PHOTOS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "From the Pentland Firth to Norway, the eyes of the British Fleet are
+    those of Nunquam."--_Yorkshire Post_.
+
+We suppose old _Dormio_ is asleep as usual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The clergy will be pleased to hear of parishioners who are
+    sick.".--_Parish Magazine_.
+
+No doubt they mean it kindly, but it sounds rather callous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Holders of 15s. 6d. War Savings Certificates and scrip vouchers of the
+    War Loan are acceptable over the Post Office counter at their face
+    value."--_Daily News_.
+
+"'My face is my fortune, Sir,' she said."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Will anyone give 15/- and a kind home to a nice little brown miniature
+    poodle dog, 3 years, ideal pet and companion?"--_The Bazaar_.
+
+Sixpence more and the little pet could buy a War Savings Certificate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FATE OF UMBRELLAS.
+
+No. I.
+
+_From Arthur Vivian, Bury Street, St. James's, to Mrs. Morton, Dockington
+Hall, Bucks._
+
+DEAR MRS. MORTON,--Just a line to thank you very sincerely for my
+delightful visit. It was like old times to see you "all gathered together
+in hospitable Dockington and to find that the War, terrible as it is, has
+not altogether abolished pleasant human intercourse in England, in spite of
+what the Dean said. But then Deans are privileged persons.
+
+I am sorry to say, by the way, that in the hurry of departure this morning
+I took away the wrong umbrella and left my own. I am sending back the
+changeling with all proper apologies. Would you mind sending me mine? It
+has a crook handle (cane) and a plain silver band with my initials engraved
+on it. Please give my love to Harry and the children.
+
+  Yours always sincerely,
+  ARTHUR VIVIAN.
+
+
+No. II.
+
+_From the Dean of Marchester to Mrs. Morton._
+
+DEAR MRS. MORTON,--I desire to thank you for three most agreeable days
+spent in congenial company. You have indeed mastered the secret of making
+your guests feel at home, and Dockington even in war-time is still
+Dockington. Pray give my warm regards to Mr. Morton and remember me
+suitably to the dear children. I wish they wouldn't keep on growing up as
+they do; childhood is so delightful.
+
+I find to my great regret that by some inexplicable mistake I took away
+with me an umbrella that is not mine. I am sending it back to you, and
+shall be deeply beholden to you if you will pack up and send to me the one
+I left. It is an old one, recognisable by its cane handle (crook) and an
+indiarubber ring round the shaft. Pray accept my apologies for the trouble
+I am giving you.
+
+  Yours very sincerely,
+  CHARLES MELDEW.
+
+
+No. III.
+
+_From Brigadier-General Barton to his Sister, Mrs. Morton._
+
+DEAR MARY,--You gave me a capital time. There's a slight difference between
+Dockington and the trenches. I'm not as a rule a great performer with
+clergymen, but I liked your Dean. By the way, when I dashed off your man
+put somebody else's umbrella in with me, instead of my own, which is a
+natty specimen. The one I've got is an old gamp with a stout indiarubber
+ring to it. I haven't time to send it back. Every moment is taken up, as I
+cross to France to-night. Besides, how can you pack such a thing as an
+umbrella? It's much too long. Keep mine till we meet again. Best love to
+Harry and the kids.
+
+  Ever yours,
+  TOM.
+
+
+No. IV.
+
+_From Arthur Vivian to Mrs. Morton._
+
+DEAR MRS. MORTON,--I wired you this morning asking you to do nothing about
+my umbrella. The fact is I have found it at my rooms, and I am forced to
+the conclusion that I never took it with me to Dockington at all. I am
+awfully sorry to have given you all this trouble. It shall be a lesson to
+me never to take my umbrella anywhere, or rather never to think I've taken
+it, when, as a matter of fact, I haven't.
+
+  Yours always sincerely,
+  ARTHUR VIVIAN.
+
+
+No. V.
+
+_Telegram from Mrs. Morton to Arthur Vivian._
+
+ Too late. Sent off somebody's umbrella to you yesterday.
+Please return it to me.
+
+No. VI.
+
+_From Mrs. Morton to her Sister, Lady Compton._
+
+ ... We had a few friends at Dockington last week, not a real party, but
+just a few old shoes--Tom, Arthur Vivian and the Dean of Marchester and
+Mrs. Dean. Since they went away I've had the most awful time with their
+umbrellas. They all took away with them the wrong ones, and then wrote to
+me to send them their right ones. Arthur Vivian never brought one, and
+whose he took away I can't say. In fact I've been exposed to an avalanche
+of returning umbrellas, and Parkins has spent all his time in doing up the
+absurd things and posting them. He has just celebrated his seventieth
+birthday, and these umbrellas have ruined what's left of his temper.
+Umbrellas still keep pouring in, and nobody ever seems by any chance to get
+the right one. It's the most discouraging thing I've ever been involved in.
+As far as I can make out the Dean's umbrella is now in the trenches with
+Tom. If ever I have a party at Dockington again I shall write, "No
+umbrellas by request," on the invitations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INN O' THE SWORD.
+
+A SONG OF YOUTH AND WAR.
+
+  Roving along the King's highway
+    I met wi' a Romany black.
+  "Good day," says I; says he, "Good day,
+    And what may you have in your pack?"
+  "Why, a shirt," says I, "and a song or two
+    To make the road go faster."
+  He laughed: "Ye'll find or the day be through
+    There's more nor that, young master.
+      Oh, roving's good and youth is sweet
+        And love is its own reward;
+      But there's that shall stay your careless feet
+        When ye come to the Sign o' the Sword."
+
+  "Riddle me, riddlemaree," quoth I,
+    "Is a game that's ill to win,
+  And the day is o'er fair such tasks to try"--
+    Said he, "Ye shall know at the inn."
+  With that he suited his path to mine
+    And we   travelled merrily,
+  Till I was ware of the promised sign
+    And the door of an hostelry.
+      And the Romany sang, "To the very life
+        Ye shall pay for bed and board;
+      Will ye turn aside to the House of Strife?
+        Will ye lodge at the Inn o' the Sword?"
+
+  Then I looked at the inn 'twixt joy and fear,
+    And the Romany looked at me.
+  Said I, "We ha' come to a parting here
+    And I know not who you be."
+  But he only laughed as I smote on the door:
+    "Go, take ye the fighting chance;
+  Mayhap I once was a troubadour
+    In the knightly days of France.
+      Oh, the feast is set for those who dare
+        And the reddest o' wine outpoured;
+      And some sleep sound after peril and care
+        At the Hostelry of the Sword."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For our "National Lent"--the War Loan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Pet of the Platoon_. "I DIDN'T HALF TELL OFF OUR SERGEANT
+JUST NOW. I CALLED HIM A KNOCK-KNEED, PIGEON-TOED, SWIVEL-EYED MONKEY, AND
+SAID HE OUGHT TO GO TO A NIGHT-SCHOOL!"
+
+_Ecstatic Chorus_. "AND WHAT DID HE SAY?"
+
+_Bill_ (_after a pause_). "WELL, AS A MATTER OF FAC', I DON'T THINK HE
+QUITE HEARD ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+When the eminent in other branches of art take to literature, criticism
+must naturally be tempered with respect. This is much how I feel after
+reading Sir WILLIAM RICHMOND'S _The Silver Chain_ (PALMER AND HAYWARD).
+Probably, however, I should have enjoyed it more had not the publishers
+indulged in a wrapper-paragraph of such unbounded eulogy. If anybody is to
+call this novel "a work of great artistic achievement," and praise its
+"philosophy, psychology, delightful sense of humour, subtle analysis" and
+all the rest, I should prefer it to be someone less interested in the wares
+thus pushed. For my part I should be content to call _The Silver Chain_ by
+no means an uninteresting story, the work of a distinguished man, obviously
+an amateur in the craft of letters, who nevertheless has pleased himself
+(and will give pleasure to others) by working into it many pen-pictures of
+scenes in Egypt and Rome and Sicily, full of the glowing colour that we
+should expect from their artist-author. But the tale itself, the unrewarded
+love of the middle-aged "Philosopher" for the not specially attractive
+heroine _Mary_, and the subordinate very Byronic romance of _Herbert_ and
+_Annunziata_, quite frankly recalls those early manuscripts that most
+novelists must have burnt before they were quit of boyhood, or preserved to
+smile over. Still, in these winter days, when only Prime Ministers go to
+Rome (and then not to bask) and Luxor is equidistant with the moon, you may
+well find respite in a book so full of sunshine and memories of happy
+places; but I am bound to repeat my warning that your fellow-travellers
+will perhaps not be quite such stimulating society as the publishers would
+have you expect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir THEODORE COOK has already done sound work in dealing with German
+methods, and in _The Mark of the Beast_ (MURRAY) he pursues his labours a
+step further. So careful is he to give incontestable proofs for the charges
+he brings against the Huns that even the most anaemic neutrals must find a
+difficulty in reading this volume without recognising the truth. Especially
+he emphasizes the dangers of peace-making with an enemy whose whole policy
+and programme have been based on lies. And if he insists many times and
+again upon this point he has his excuse in the fact that some of us are so
+extraordinarily forgetful and forgiving that we cannot be reminded too
+often of what the future has in store for us if we do not now remember the
+past. With such an absolutely flawless case in his hands I find myself
+wishing sometimes that Sir THEODORE had been less prodigal of the
+denunciatory language which he hurls at Teutonic heads. Not for a moment
+would I suggest that the Hun does not deserve vituperation, but I am
+inclined to think that a less violent manner of attack is more effective.
+In his own way, however, Sir THEODORE is inimitable, and I can pay no
+higher praise to his book than to say that I know of no War-literature so
+admirably calculated to make BETHMANN-HOLLWEG ("more double than his name")
+really sorry for himself.
+
+The War has not been lacking in fine memorials of the dead. To what extent
+the Germans have commemorated the fallen I have no notion; but in France
+and Italy the papers constantly print tender and eloquent tributes, usually
+to the young. And in England we have the same thing too, touchingly,
+proudly and generously done. For the most part such tributes are mere
+records, but now and then they reconstruct; and the most remarkable example
+of such reconstruction--to the world at large, absolute creation--is the
+memoir of _Charles Lister_ (UNWIN), which his father, Lord RIBBLESDALE, and
+some devoted friends have, with perfect biographical tact, prepared. But
+for CHARLES LISTER'S untimely death, leading his men against the Turks in
+July, 1915, most of the letters in this book would never have been printed
+at all; for whatever his career might have become--and he was a man apart
+and bound for distinction--and however great a record were his, the early
+years could not be thus liberally illumined. But since death decreed that
+these early years--he was not quite twenty-eight when he was wounded for
+the third time and succumbed--should constitute all his career, we have
+this notable and beautiful book. If one had to put but a single epithet to
+it I should choose "radiant." At Eton, at Balliol, at the Embassies in Rome
+and Constantinople, and in the Army, CHARLES LISTER shed radiance. All his
+many friends testify to this. As for his letters, they are clear and gay
+and human; and they have also a sagacity that many older and more
+determined observers of life might envy; while that one to Lady DESBOROUGH
+upon the death of his great friend, JULIAN GRENFELL, is literature. Every
+page is interesting, but some are far more than that; and at the end one
+has almost too moving a concept of an ardent idealistic English gentleman
+met too late.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At first sight, perhaps, _Nothing Matters_ (CASSELL) may sound to you a
+somewhat, shall I say, transatlantic title for a book published in these
+days, when we are all learning how enormously everything matters. But this
+emotion will only last till you have read Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE'S
+disarming little preface. Personally, it left me regretting only one thing
+in the volume (or, to be more accurate, outside it), which was the design
+of its very unornamental wrapper--a lapse, surely, from taste, for which it
+would probably be quite unfair to blame the writer of what lies within.
+This is almost all of it excellent fooling, and includes a brace of longish
+short-stories (rather in the fantastic style of brother MAX); some fugitive
+pieces that you may recall as they flitted through the fields of
+journalism; with, for stiffening, a reprint of the author's admirable
+lecture upon "The Importance of Humour in Tragedy." This is a title that
+you may well take as a motto for the whole book. It will have, I think, a
+warm welcome from Sir HERBERT'S many friends and admirers, even should it
+turn out to be the case that some of his plots have been (in his own
+quaintly attractive phrase) "prophetically plagiarised" by other writers.
+Certainly this welcome will not be lessened by the knowledge that all
+profits from the sale of the volume are to go to support a cause that, to
+all who love the Stage, will be far indeed from not mattering--the fund to
+supplement the incomes of the wives and families of actors at the Front.
+You may regard it therefore as the lightest of comedies played, like so
+many others, in the cause of charity, and put down your money with an
+approving conscience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Let no one whose heart has been touched beyond mere vicarious pride in the
+achievement of our brothers-in-arms at the gate of Paris allow himself to
+miss the detailed narrative of HENRI DUGARD in _The Battle of Verdun_
+(HUTCHINSON). A good translation by F. APPLEBY HOLT, rather exceptional in
+these days of hurried conveyancing, does not detract from the vigour and
+movement of the story. We, who only saw the long agony through the medium
+of the always inadequate and discreet technicalities of the _communiques_,
+could form no real impression of the kind of fighting or of the results of
+each phase of it. The author has collected the accounts or reports, so that
+the strokes and counter-strokes (for there was nothing passive in this
+siege) of the epic combats round Douamont, Fort Vaux, the Woevre,
+Malancourt, Avocourt and the Mort Homme are intelligibly reconstructed.
+Comment in the form of personal anecdotes of individual heroism is added.
+Perhaps the most illuminating touch is in the letter of poor Feldwebel KARL
+GARTNER, which was to have been despatched to his mother by a friend going
+on leave, so as to escape the Censor's eye. It began in a mood of
+robustious confidence and ended (or rather was interrupted by GARTNER'S
+capture) on the most despairing note. And this was seven months before the
+most brilliant counter-attack in the history of the War slammed the door
+once for all in the face of the enemy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Theatrical Manager_. "THIS WON'T DO, YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT A
+LAUGH--IT'S A YAWN!"
+
+_Poster Artist_. "WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE IN SUCH A HURRY FOR THE
+SKETCH THAT YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME TIME TO LET THE IMPRESSION OF THE PIECE
+WEAR OFF."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The scheme of utilising vacant spaces in London is being taken up
+    enthusiastically in the provinces."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+At the same time the scheme of utilising vacant spaces in the provinces is
+being welcomed with similar enthusiasm in London.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Vigorous complaints against the proposal to establish an overhead
+    electric system of tramways in Edinburgh were made this afternoon.
+
+    Lord Strathclyde declared that the overhead wires proposal had
+    electrified the citizens."--_Scottish Paper_.
+
+There must be something seriously wrong with the insulation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+152, January 24, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 152 ***
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