diff options
Diffstat (limited to '14093-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 14093-0.txt | 1771 |
1 files changed, 1771 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/14093-0.txt b/14093-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..695903a --- /dev/null +++ b/14093-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1771 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14093 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +January 24th, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"They know nothing about the War in Greenland," said M. DANGAARD IENSEN to +a contemporary, and now the Intelligence Department is wondering whether it +didn't perhaps choose the wrong colour after all for its tabs. + + *** + +The Governor of Greenland, giving evidence in the Prize Court last week, +was greatly interested to learn that there was a well-known hymn, entitled +"From Greenland's Icy Mountains." He was, however, inclined to think that +the unfortunate reference to the rigorous nature of the climate would be +resented by the local Publicity Committee, to whose notice he would feel it +his duty to bring the matter when they were next thawed out. + + *** + +Lord DEVONPORT has established his own Press Bureau, and it is rumoured +that the Press Bureau is about to appoint its own Food Controller. + + *** + +The American Line has advanced its First-Class fares by three pounds. It is +hoped that this will effectually discourage Mr. HENRY FORD from visiting +Europe for some time to come. + + *** + +_The Times Literary Supplement_ has received 335 books of original verse in +1916. And still the authorities pretend that juvenile crime is confined to +the East End. + + *** + +A telegram despatched from London on January 22nd, 1906, which contained a +polling result of the General Election then in progress, has just been +received by a Witham resident, who told the messenger there was no reply. + + *** + +"If agriculture is to flourish," says _The Daily Mail_, "it must be so +conducted as to pay." It is just this sordid commercialism that distorts +the Carmelite point of view. + + *** + +The German Union for the Development of the German Language have sent a +petition to the CHANCELLOR, asking that in any future Peace negotiations +the German language should be used. Will German frightfulness never cease? + + *** + +"Anybody in the Carmarthen district," says the local medical officer, "can +keep a pig in the parlour if they keep it clean." The necessity of keeping +the parlour clean for the sake of its guest will be easily understood by +those who appreciate the fastidious taste of the pig. + + *** + +A Hungarian paper complains that the Government treats the War as if it +were merely a family affair. This contrasts unfavourably with the more +broadly hospitable attitude of the Allies, who have made it abundantly +clear that so far as they are concerned anyone is welcome to join in and +help their side. + + *** + +The other day a Farnham bellringer, after cycling seventy miles, rang a +peal of 5,940 changes. It is not known why. + + *** + +"War diet," says Professor ROSIN in the _Lokal Anzeiger_, "improves the +action of the heart." But what the Germans really want to know is, what +improves a war diet? + + *** + +Among the goods stolen from a Crouch Hill provision merchant's the other +day were eight cheeses and ten hams. As the place was much littered it is +thought that the cheeses put up a plucky fight. + + *** + +It is pointed out by experienced agriculturists that it is useless to plant +potatoes unless steps are taken to destroy the insect pests. A Peterborough +farmer has written a poem in _The Daily Express_ against those pests, but +we fancy that if a permanent improvement is to be effected it will be +necessary to adopt much sterner measures than this. + + *** + +The recent vagaries of the Weather Controller are said to be due to one of +the new railway regulations, by which you are required to "Show all +seasons, please." + + *** + +Even Nature seems upset by the War. According to _The Evening Standard_ +primroses are blooming in a Harrow garden, while only the other day a pair +of white spats were to be seen in the Strand. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Anxious Mother._ "NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR BROTHER, MAUD. 'OLD +THE UMBRELLER OVER THE SUGAR!"] + + * * * * * + +Another Glimpse of the Obvious. + +From the "Standing Orders" of a Military Hospital:-- + + "Officers confined to their beds will have their meals in their rooms." + + * * * * * + + "A gale of great fury raged at Sheffield early on Tuesday morning. Much + damage was done in the city and outlying districts, a number of beings + being unroofed."--_Yorkshire Paper._ + +Several others have been noticed to have a tile loose. + + * * * * * + + "The welcome, amounting to an oration, which heralded the Prime + Minister, was the most remarkable feature of a very remarkable + occasion." _Daily Dispatch._ + +Is this quite kind to the subsequent speakers? + + * * * * * + + "By his colleagues at Bar he has been regarded as a sound lawyer, well + worthy of the high position which he had filled for little over two + hundred years."--_Englishman_ (_Calcutta_). + +Lord HALSBURY must look to his laurels. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Clement Wragge has prepared a special weather forecast for the + year 9117. His opinion is that the year will prove distinctly good." + _New Zealand Times._ + +We infer that, in Mr. WRAGGE's opinion, the War will be over by then. + + * * * * * + +The Minimum. + +Extract from a letter just received from H.Q. in France:-- + + "C.O.'s will take care that all ranks know that they must never parade + before an Officer--Brigade, Regimental or Company--unless properly + dressed, wearing at least a belt." + + * * * * * + + "The few women on the platform were dressed quietly, as befitted the + occasion, the smartest person present being Mr. McKenna."--_Illustrated + Sunday Herald._ + +Our contemporary might have told us what he wore. + + * * * * * + +THE GOLFER'S PROTEST. + + Among the shocks that laid us flat + When WILLIAM loosed his wanton hordes + There fell no bloodier blow than that + Which turned our niblicks into swords; + And O how bitter England's cup, + In what despair the order sunk her + That called her Cincinnati up + When busy ploughing in the bunker! + + Even with those who stuck it out, + Bravely defying public shame, + Visions of trenches knocked about + Would often spoil their usual game; + Rumours of victory dearly bought, + Or else of bad strategic hitches, + Disturbed their concentrated thought + And put them off their mashie pitches. + + Now comes a menace yet more rude + That puts us even further off; + It says the nation's need of food + Must come before the claims of golf; + We hear of parties going round, + Aided by local War-Committees, + To violate our sacred ground + By planting veg. along our "pretties." + + If there be truth in that report, + Then have we reached the limit, viz.:-- + The ruin of that manly sport + Which made our country what it is; + The ravages we soon restore + By conies wrought or hoofs of mutton, + But centuries must pass before + A turnip-patch is fit to putt on. + + What! Shall we sacrifice the scenes + On which our higher natures thrive + Just to provide the vulgar means + To keep our lower selves alive? + Better to starve (or, better still, + Up hands and kiss the Hun peace-makers) + Than suffer PROTHERO to till + The British golfer's holy acres. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +PERSONAL PARS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT. + +(_With acknowledgments to some of our chatty contemporaries_.) + +HAPPY C.-IN-C.--I saw the Commander-in-Chief to-day passing through the +little village of X in an open car. He was very quietly dressed in khaki, +with touches of scarlet on the hat and by the collar. I waved my hand to +him and he returned the salute. It is small acts like this which endear him +to all. I noticed that the Field-Marshal was not carrying his baton. +Doubtless he did not wish to spoil its pristine freshness with the mud of +the roads. + + * * * * * + +OF COURSE.--A friend in the Guards tells me that the new food restrictions +do not affect the men in the trenches very seriously. Our brave soldiers +are so inured to hardships by now that they willingly forgo seven-course +dinners. + + * * * * * + +NOT STARVING.--While on the subject of food, the picture published on page +6 of to-day's issue refutes the idea that the Hun is starving. It +represents the KAISER looking at some pigs. The KAISER can be distinguished +by a x. + + * * * * * + +FASHIONS FOR MEN.--Now that mid-winter is with us it is quite a common +event to meet fur-clad denizens of the firing line. Some of the new +season's coats are the last word in chic, one which I noticed yesterday +made of black goat, having pockets of seal coney with collar and cuffs of +civet. The wearer's feet were encased in the latest style of gum boots, +reaching to the thigh and fastening with a buckle. These are being worn +loose round the ankle. A green steel helmet, draped in sandbag material, +completed the costume. The field service cap was not being worn inside the +helmet. + + * * * * * + +NUMBER NINE.--The Army doctors, so it seems, do not fully understand the +delicate constitution of a friend of mine in the Blues, and sent him back +to duty after dosing him with medicine, though he is suffering from pain in +the foot. The medicine generally takes the form of a "Number Nine," the +pill that cures all ills; but last time he went on sick parade they were +out of stock, and he was given two "Number Fours" and a "Number One" +instead. Rough-and-ready pharmacy. What? + + * * * * * + +SPIRITED.--Met my old chum, Sir William ----, just back from the trenches. +Dear old Billy, what cigars he used to smoke in the good old days! He tells +me that when on a carrying fatigue the other night one of his men dropped +the earthenware receptacle which contains Tommy's greatest consolation in +this terrible war, and every drop of the precious liquid was spilt. Five +minutes later a Jack Johnson landed beside him and put things right. _It +gave him a rum jar_. Good, eh? + + * * * * * + +WHERE TO LUNCH.--I am just off to lunch with my old pal, the Hon. Adolphus +Lawrie-Carr, of the Motor Transport Section of the A.S.C. I have never seen +him look better than he does now, in hunting stock and field boots, crop +and spurs. He always gives one a first-class meal. + + * * * * * + +THE NEXT PUSH.--I had a most interesting conversation the other day with +Alphonse, late of the Saveloy. He is on the G.H.Q. Staff in a position of +high trust--something to do with the culinary arrangements, I believe--and +is, of course, in the know. From what he told me confidentially I can +assure all my countless readers that there will be fighting on the Western +Front during 1917, and, in the words of Mr. Hilary Bullox, "If it is not +prolonged until next year, the present year will certainly see the end of +the War." More I cannot divulge. + + * * * * * + +Our Cautious Contemporaries. + + "What can be said with truth is that business in the New Loan for the + first two days is easily AZ per cent. better for new money than for the + same period on the occasion of the last loan."--_Evening Standard_. + + * * * * * + +"ANCIENT ORDER OF HIBERNIANS. + + State President Fee has requisitioned a large supply of stationery; he + announces that he will at once begin an active canvas of the State to + revive old divisions and organize new ones."--_Texas Newspaper_. + +Just as if he were at home in dear old Ireland. + + * * * * * + + "Athens, Wednesday. + + The ex-Premiers who were consulted yesterday by the iKng, were + unanimously of opinion that the Entente Note was not yesterday by the + King were unanimously as its acceptance would imply that Greece + contemplated an attack on General Sarrail's rear."--_Continental Daily + Mail_. + +Yet there are some people who complain that the situation in Greece is not +entirely clear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE APPLE OF DISCORD. + +AUSTRIA. "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" + +GERMANY. "SPOILS OF ROUMANIA." + +AUSTRIA. "WELL, IF IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH TO SPLIT YOU MIGHT LET US HAVE THE +CORE." + +GERMANY. "'THERE AIN'T GOING TO BE NO CORE.'"] + + * * * * * + +A WAY NOT TO PAY OLD DEBTS. + +"Hullo, old thing!" said Herbert gloomily; "lots of Congrats. Lucky devil, +you," and he sighed unobtrusively. + +I had forgotten that once upon a time Adela had refused to walk out with +Herbert because of his puttees, which she said were so original that they +distracted her attention from the way he proposed. + +Remembering this now, I offered my cousin a sympathetic cigarette, which +he, shaking himself free from care, accepted; after which he began to +borrow ten pounds--an achievement which, I am proud to say, cost him nearly +twenty minutes' hard labour. + +Not so very long afterwards Adela and I had a honeymoon, followed by a +picture-postcard from Herbert. He said he was sorry he hadn't been there to +throw boots at us, but he was convalescing on the Cornish Riviera, the +exact spot being marked with a cross; also one could not send money by +postcard, but I was not to think he was forgetting about that fiver he had +borrowed. + +The first part of this document caused Adela to wonder vaguely if wounded +officers ought to convalesce in chimney-pots, but the last words gave me +some twinges of a more sincere alarm. Was Herbert's delusion a permanency, +or merely a slip of the pen? + +"Adela," I decided, "let's ask Herbert to dinner as soon as ever he leaves +the roofs of the British Riviera." + +Then one day, when I was writing letters in the Mess, he strolled in. +"Hullo!" he said, "where's the C.O.? What?... Oh, thanks awfully, and ... +Oh, I say, good Lord! I owe you three quid, don't I?" and he drifted out +abstractedly. + +"Three!" I echoed dizzily, as the door banged. I staggered home for the +week-end. + +I found Adela having an excited conversation with the telephone in the +hall. + +"Ooo!" she said, hanging up the receiver, "Herbert's a hero. He's just been +telling me. And he's coming to dinner to-night." + +"I also," I responded with emotion, "have a tale to unfold," and I unfolded +it. + +When at last Herbert, moving modestly under the burden of a newly acquired +D.S.O., arrived at the flat, hospitality and an unaccustomed awe withheld +me from referring to so sordid a matter as the inconsiderable decrease in +my lately-invested capital. Herbert, however, deprecated heroics, and, as +he was saying good-night, came of his own accord to the subject of debts. +He was always a conscientious fellow. + +"You know, old chap," he said with charming candour, as I saw him off from +the doorstep, "you _must_ remind me to pay up that two quid some time. I +keep forgetting, and when I do remember, like now, I haven't any money to +do it with. Cheero!" The door clicked and I swooned. + +It was very difficult; I could not even make up my mind whether my best +policy was to stalk Herbert with vigilance or to avoid him as persistently +as discipline allowed. On the one hand he wasn't the cheque-book kind of +man and he wouldn't pay me unless he saw me. Contrariwise, he wouldn't even +if he did, and whenever he saw me my original loan of ten gold sovereigns +might continue its rapid decline. Finally I decided to abstain from his +society. + +Shortly after this momentous decision the War Office sent him off to some +remote part of the country, and for many months our financial relations +remained unaltered--at any rate in my own estimation. He was still far away +when Adela II arrived, so we did our best to hush her up; we thought that +if we could smuggle her to, say, the age of ten and send her to school +Herbert couldn't possibly come and congratulate us about her. That only +shows how much we didn't know; for Herbert procured some leave three weeks +later and was excitedly mounting our stairs within a few hours. + +"P'r'aps," whispered Adela bravely as he was being announced, "he'll forget +about money--p'r'aps he'll even put it up a bit." + +I smiled cynically, and was justified ten minutes later, when Herbert's +conscience, troubled and apologetic, reminded him about that guinea he owed +me. + +At the christening it fell to half-a-quid, and, according to Herbert's +latest allegation, it is only his rotten memory for postal-orders that +prevents him from sending me that dollar at once. + +And so, precariously, the matter rested till to-day, when the final blow +fell from the War Office. Herbert and I are to proceed to France together +next Monday. On that day, if I am ingenious and agile enough not to meet +him before, we ought to be about all square; after that, as far as I can +see, there will be an inevitable moment when Herbert will turn to me with, +"I say, old fellow, you can't let me have that ten bob you touched me for +the other day, can you? Hate to ask you, but I haven't got a sou ..." But I +won't--no, I won't. I will let my imaginary debt mount up, I will let it +increase even at the rate at which Herbert's has decreased, but I will not +pay it. Herbert, of course, will always be kind to me about it, for he is a +generous creature; and every time we go into action he will probably wring +my hand and beg me not to worry about it any more. + +"Old man," he will be saying on the twenty-ninth occasion, "if I got done +in, promise you won't bother about that thousand pounds you owe +me--remember you're to think of it as paid." + +I shall remember all right. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _N.C.O._ "HERE! JUST GRAB THE OOJAH AN' DASH ROUND TO THE +TIDDLEY-OM-POM FOR SOME UMPTY-POO!" + +Private (ex-professor of languages) learns later that he was expected to +fetch a bucket of coke from the stores.] + + * * * * * + + "In a corn and meal merchant's shop, where two or three cats are kept + for business purposes, the cats may be seen feeding at will from the + open sacks."--_Spectator_. + +This lapse on pussy's part goes rather against the grain. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Barber_. "MUCH OFF, SIR?" + +_War Economist_. "DURATION OF WAR."] + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL NOTES. + +BY OUR OWN PAIR OF LYNX. + +There is unfortunately no truth in the rumour that, in order to provide +billets for 5,000 new typists, and incidentally to win the War, the +Government has commandeered the Houses of Parliament. + + * * * * * + +The problem of the housing of the traveller-classes when all the hotels of +London have been taken over by the Government is now occupying both the +waking and sleeping hours (such as they are) of the War Cabinet, and a +special department of the Intelligence Department has been created to deal +with it on the roof of No. 10 Downing Street. It has not yet been decided +whether all visitors to London should be sent back as soon as they arrive, +or whether Sir JOSEPH LYONS should reap the sole benefit of their sojourn. + + * * * * * + +Although the proprietors of the Hotel des Ambassadeurs, Ealing, and the +Grand Hotel Riche, Mile End, have offered the Government their premises, on +the most advantageous terms to themselves, no arrangement has yet been +effected. + + * * * * * + +A deputation of officials recently visited the Zoo and made a number of +measurements, but no decision has yet been reached as to whether or no it +will be taken over for Government work. + + * * * * * + +There is absolutely no truth in the statement, circulated by some wholly +frivolous or malicious person, that any of the theatres or music-halls are +to be closed during the War in order to make space for workers. + + * * * * * + +It is rumoured that Mr. EDWARD MARSH may very shortly take up his duties as +Minister of Poetry and the Fine Arts. Mr. MARSH has not yet decided whether +he will appoint Mr. ASQUITH or Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL as his private +secretary. + + * * * * * + +Meanwhile a full list of the private secretaries of the new private +secretaries of the members of the new Government may at any moment be +disclosed to a long-suffering public. + + * * * * * + +The latest Captain of Commerce to be diverted from his own business for the +benefit of his country is the head of the great curl industry. He will have +one on his sleeve, being given commissioned rank in the Navy, and his +special duty will be the control of the waves of the Channel. + + * * * * * + +At the invitation of the PREMIER, whose summons came to him just as he was +entering his car bound for Pall Mall, Mr. HARVEY TATE has agreed to accept +the portfolio of the Ministry of Road Traffic. Mr. TATE'S long experience +as a motorist and familiarity with all the difficulties of motoring qualify +him peculiarly for this post. One of his first tasks will be to inquire +fully into the charges against the taxi varlet. + + * * * * * + +In spite of all rumours to the contrary, Lord NORTHCLIFFE will remain +outside the new Government, but his interest in it is, at present, +friendly. It is very well understood, however, that everyone must behave; +for his Lordship, in one of his rare intervals of expansion, has been heard +to remark that there are as good fish in the sea as ever came out of it. + + * * * * * + + "The Bishop of Winchester proposes to cultivate the park round big + Palace at Fulham."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_. + +The Bishop of LONDON will, no doubt, return the compliment at Farnham. + + * * * * * + +WARS OF THE PAST. + +(_As recorded in the Press of the period._) + +VII. + +_From "Tempora" (Rome)._ + +Admittedly, the peril is extreme. Crustumerium has fallen, and also Ostia. +However, Janiculum, the key to the whole outer system of the City's +defences, still stands, and there is accordingly no immediate cause for +dismay. But we are strongly of the opinion--so rapid has been LARS +PORSENA'S advance hitherto--that the bridge over the Tiber should be at +once destroyed as a precautionary measure while there is yet time. We have +every confidence in the continued capacity for resistance of the strong +garrison at Janiculum, but it is necessary to be prepared for every +eventuality; and if the fortress _should_ fall without the bridge being +demolished the latter would inevitably be seized by the enemy, and the +Tiber, our last line of defence, would be lost to us. + +For the rest, the spirit of the people is excellent. It has become almost a +truism to say that nowadays none is for a party, but all are for the State. +Rich and poor have learned to help and respect each other. Indeed, in these +brave days Romans, in Rome's quarrel, have poured out blood and treasure +unsparingly for the common cause. We are like a nation of brothers. + + * * * * * + +_Placard of "Hesperus" (Special Phosphorus Edition)_:-- + +FALL + +OF + +JANICULUM. + + * * * * * + +_From "Hesperus" (Noon Edition)._ + +SWIFT ADVANCE OF THE ENEMY. + +WAR COUNCIL MEETS. + +HORATIUS TO HOLD BRIDGE-HEAD. + +CAN THE BRIDGE BE DESTROYED IN TIME? + + * * * * * + +_The Secretary to the Senate announces_: + +"The War Council met at the River Gate immediately on receipt of the news +of the fall of Janiculum. It was decided to accept the offer of +Port-Captain HORATIUS (S.P.Q.R.'s Own), SPURIUS LARTIUS (Ramnian Regt.), +and HERMINIUS ("Titian Toughs"), who gallantly volunteered to hold the +bridge-head in order to give time for the bridge itself to be destroyed. +All hope of saving the town should not therefore be abandoned." + + * * * * * + +_From our Special Correspondent._ + +I have just returned from the River Gate, where I was, I believe, the first +to applaud one of the Patres Conscripti (commanding the Axe-and-Crowbar +Volunteers), who set a fine example by actually starting on the demolition +of the bridge himself. Already you could see the Tuscan hordes in the +swarthy dust that shrouded the Western horizon. I was myself in a position +to pick out ASTUR, who was girt with the brand which (I am informed by a +high authority) none but he can wield. There is no need to describe to you +the firmament-rending yell that rose when the presence of the false and +shameful SEXTUS was officially notified. One saw women who hissed and even +expectorated in his direction, and more than one child, I noticed, shook +its small fist at him with splendid spirit.... + +I am told that HORATIUS spoke out pretty plainly to the Senate, expressing +the opinion that three men could easily hold the bridge-head. The gallant +officer, interviewed while he was in the act of tightening his harness, +declined to say much, merely expressing the opinion that everyone has got +to die some time and that there was, after all, some satisfaction in being +killed in a fight against odds. I confess I was favourably impressed by the +very nonchalance of his attitude. + + * * * * * + +_Stop Press News._ + +LARTIUS BEAT AUNUS. HERMINIUS BEAT SEIUS. HORATIUS BEAT PICUS. + + * * * * * + +_From "Hesperus" (Fourth Edition)._ + +BRIDGE-HEAD STILL HELD. + +DEATH OF ASTUR. + +UNFORTUNATE MISHAP TO A LICTOR. + + * * * * * + +_The Secretary to the Senate announces_: + +"Latest advices show that HORATIUS has despatched ASTUR, and, though +slightly wounded in this encounter, has been able to keep his place in the +line. The bridge head is still being held and there is now a pause in the +fighting. The total enemy casualties up to the present are estimated at: +_Killed_, 7; _Wounded_, 0; _Missing_, 0. Our own casualties are: _Killed_, +0; _Wounded_, 1; _Missing_, 0. A regrettable incident took place during the +demolition of the bridge, a Lictor having sliced himself with one of his +own axes and being compelled to relinquish his valuable labours." + + * * * * * + +(_Stop-Press News_.) + +HORATIUS CUT OFF. + +The bridge has been successfully destroyed shortly after the skilful +withdrawal of LARTIUS and HERMINIUS in the face of the enemy. We greatly +regret to add that HORATIUS is missing, I having failed to make good his +retreat with his comrades, and must be regarded as lost.--(_Official_.) + + * * * * * + +_From "Hesperus" (Special Home Edition)._ + +HORATIUS SAFE. + +HOW HE SWAM THE RIVER. + +(_By our Special Correspondent._) + +HORATIUS, the only one of the "dauntless three" (as they have been already +named) about whose safety doubts were entertained, has swum the river and +is safe. I saw him, when the bridge fell, standing alone, but obviously +with all his wits about him, despite the ninety thousand foes before and +the broad flood behind. When he turned round he might have seen, I believe, +from where he was standing (just where, on other occasions, I have stood +myself) the white porch of his home. His lips parted as if in prayer. The +next moment, pausing only to sheathe his ensanguined sword, he took a +graceful dive into the river. + +Some moments of terrible tension ensued. When at last his head appeared +above the surges, a cry of indescribable rapture went up, and I am happy to +place on record the fact that I distinctly detected a note of generous +cheering from the Tuscan ranks. + +But all was not yet over. The current ran fiercely, swollen high by months +of rain. Often I thought him sinking--and indeed nearly sent in a message +to that effect--but still again he rose. Never, I think, did any swimmer in +like circumstances perform such a remarkable feat of natation. But at +length he felt the bottom, was helped ashore by myself and the Senate, and +was carried shoulder-high through the River Gate. I understand that some +special recognition is to be made of his splendid feat. + + * * * * * + +_From "Rome Chat."_ + +Our frontispiece this week is a family group of brave Captain HORATIUS, +together with the tender mother who (formerly) dandled him to rest, and his +wife, who, it will be noticed, is nursing his youngest baby. We are glad to +hear that, in conformity with the principle of settling our gallant +soldiers on the land, a goodly tract is to be given to this popular hero. +The story of how he held the bridge-head will certainly afford a stirring +tale for the home-circle for a long time to come. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LUMME! THIS IS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, I DON'T THINK. ME +A-VOLUNTEERIN' FOR INFANTRY, GOIN' RIGHT THROUGH ME TRAININ', AN' NAH THEY +MAKES A BLOOMIN' LANCER OF ME!"] + + * * * * * + +'EAD-WORK. + +Bob Winter is our local carrier. His old grey mare Molly--or a predecessor +very like her, driven by Bob's father before him--has jogged into town on +market days as long as anyone in the village can remember. The +weather-beaten, oft-patched tilt of Bob's cart must have heard in its day +generations of village gossip, and a mere inspection of the cargo on the +flap which lets down at the back will provide quite an amount of +interesting information, such as "whose new housemaid's tin trunk be +a-goin' to station already, lookee, and who be a-getten a new tyre to ees +bicycle--see." + +Now, however, there is a likelihood that Bob may be called up; and the fate +of the carrying business hangs in the balance. + +"Never mind, Bob," I said (I had overtaken him and old Molly sauntering up +the steep hill above the village); "if it comes to that, you know, the +women-folk will have to take turns at the carrying while you are away. I +believe I should make rather a good carrier." + +Bob shook his head and looked evasive. + +"No, Miss," he said, "'twuddn' do, 'twuddn' do at all." + +"Come," I said, "you don't mean to say Molly would be too much for me?" + +"No, Miss, 'tain't Molly, but--well, 'tain't no job for a lady, ain't the +carryin'; leastways, not to my way o' thinkin'." + +"Oh, but I should get the people at the shops to help me with the heavy +things." + +Bob cleared his throat loudly and looked more uncomfortable still. Then at +last he decided to take the plunge. + +"'Tain't the liftin' that do be troublin' I, Miss," he said confidentially, +"'tis the 'ead-work. I don't believe there be a wumman livin' could do it. +There be a tur'ble lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business. Why, I do +think--think--think mornen till night, till what wi' one thing an' what wi' +another thing I'm sure there's times when I don't know if I be on my 'ead +or my 'eels. Why, I've seen the time when I've a-comed in and I've a-set +down and I've a-said to Missis, 'No, Missis, I don't want no tea; I don't +want nothen only to set quiet, for I be just about tired out with that +there thinkin'.' + +"There be such a sight o' things you do have to remember, lookee. What wi' +the grocer, an' what wi' the draper, an' folks's parcels to leave an' +folks's parcels to call for, an' picken up here an' setten down +there--well, a woman's brain ain't strong enough for it, leastways not to +my way o' thinkin'.... + +"Well, now, if I ain't a-gone an' forgot to call at old Mrs. Pettigrew's +for her subscription for to get made up at the chemist's! There, now, Miss, +don't that just show how you do 'ave to kip on thinkin' all the time, else +you be just about sure to forget somethin' or another? Oh yes, there be a +smartish lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business, an' no mistake!" + + * * * * * + +An Enviable Post. + +From a list of the new Government:-- + + "Chancellor of the Ducky of Lancaster: Sir Frederick Cawley."--_Star_ + (_Johannesburg_). + + * * * * * + + "Man, to drive horse and make himself generally useful in nursery."-- + _Provincial Press_. + +No doubt a rocking-horse. + + * * * * * + +From a New Zealand diocesan magazine:-- + + "Owing to the continued illness of the Vicar, which we trust is + reaching its last stage, the services of the Church have been conducted + by the following," etc. + +The Vicar, we understand, thinks this might have been more tactfully +worded. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Long-suffering Wife_ (_to amateur politician_). "OH, ALL +RIGHT. DON'T KEEP 'OLLERIN' AT ME ABOUT THE WAR AND THE GOVER'MENT! WHO DO +YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO--LORD DEVUMPORK?"] + + * * * * * + +THE PURIFIED PRUSSIAN. + +[Writing in _Die Woche_ a well-known Baroness, a leader of Berlin society, +discusses the transformation and purification of Berlin conviviality by the +War. Social functions accompanied by eating have altogether ceased and +given way to more refined gatherings--æsthetic afternoon teas and elegant +evening parties--at which the conversation reaches heights of brilliancy +unheard of in the old carnivorous days. Unhappily snobbery still prevails, +"every class pretending to be richer and better than they are--small +officials, officers, landowners, all pretending to be millionaires, and +doing their pretension shabbily."] + + One of the leading Prussian social stars + Opines that War, although it makes for leanness, + Not only banishes discordant jars + And purifies Berlin of all uncleanness, + But places her, beatified by Mars, + Upon a pinnacle of mental keenness, + Changing the cult of trencher and of bowl + To feasts of reason and o'erflows of soul. + + The gross carnivorous orgies of the past + Have gone, and in their place is something finer; + Emotions of a transcendental cast + Preoccupy the luncher and the diner; + The Hun, in short, by being forced to fast, + Has grown ethereal, more alert, diviner; + And, purged of all incentive to frivolity, + His speech has almost lost its guttural quality. + + His talk, of old to stodginess inclined, + Now sparkles with consistent coruscation, + Attaining heights of mirth and wit combined + Unknown to any previous generation, + But always exquisitely pure, refined + And spiritual, as befits the nation + In which the nicer touch was never missing + Down from great FREDERICK to blameless BISSING. + + 'Tis easy, though the writer does not tell, + To guess the themes which prompt the brightest sallies; + Louvain; the _Lusitania_; Nurse CAVELL-- + With these Hun wit most delicately dallies; + The wreck of Reims; the Prussic acid shell; + The desolation of Armenia's valleys; + The toll of Belgian infants slain ere birth-- + All these excite Berlin's ecstatic mirth. + + And yet a slight _amari aliquid_ + Is mingled with this lady's honeyed phrases; + Berlin society is not yet rid + Of one of its less admirable phases; + There is, in other words, one fly amid + The precious ointment of the writer's praises; + In every class are those who ape the airs + Of the superior nobs and millionaires. + + But still, when all reserves are duly made + For negligible faults in tact or breeding, + The picture by this noble scribe displayed + Of high-browed Hundom makes impressive reading; + For homage to convivial needs is paid + Without the faintest risk of over-feeding, + And, braced by frugal fare, the Prussian brain + Soars to a perfectly celestial plane. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I AM THE MAN." + +["What is wanted is a moral deed, to free the world ... from the pressure +which weighs upon all. For such a deed it is necessary to find a ruler who +has a conscience.... I have the courage."--_Extract of letter from the +GERMAN KAISER to his Chancellor, dated October 31st, 1916, and recently +published in "The North German Gazette."_]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ADVANTAGE OF A SCIENTIFIC EDUCATION. + +_Drawing Mistress_ (_to member of class that has been told to draw some +object of natural history_). "NOW, JAMES, THAT IS NAUGHTY. WHY HAVEN'T YOU +DONE A NATURAL HISTORY SUBJECT?" + +_James_. "BUT I HAVE. I'VE DRAWN THE RED CORPUSCLES IN THE BLOOD OF A +FROG."] + + * * * * * + +A FLEETING DETACHMENT. + +Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.), stepped off the footboard of X.33, a +mediæval Vanguard, and splashed his way round to the driver. "I'm fair sick +o' this 'ere Flanders, I am," he complained, expectorating dolorously into +the sea of mud; "'spose it 'ull be up to the blinkin' axles before +February?" He stirred the mixture with a cautious foot. + +"Not 'arf, ole sport," replied the driver, carefully unsticking a cigarette +from his underlip. "But yer ought to 'ave bin out larst winter, then yer +did 'ave to sit above yerself to keep yer tootsies dry." + +"Wot--wuss than this?" exclaimed the disconsolate one. + +"Wuss!" was the withering retort. "Wy, when I tells yer that some o' them +Naval 'Umming-birds, t'other side o' Popinjay, fitted out an ole Blue +'Ammersmith with a pair o' propellers ... Wuss!" He exhaled scornfully and +gave a turn to the lubricator. + +"Any chance o' getting down Vermelly way? They say it ain't 'arf bad +there." Albert brightened up at the thought. + +"'Tain't likely," was the sharp and unsympathetic reply. "'Oo do yer +think's goin' ter do this little job if they takes our lot away? Wy, this +'ere road is just like 'Igh 'Olborn to me; I knows all the 'umps and +'ollows blindfold." + +Albert returned to the stern sheets and considered the most feasible method +of desertion. + +Half-an-hour later, when the daylight had gone, X.33, generously +over-flowing with a detachment of the 20th Mudlarkers, was, in company with +many other vehicles, making her inharmonious way along the "Wipers" road. +Judging from the plunginess of her progress and the fluent language of the +man of oil, it was evident that some of the "'umps and 'ollows" had passed +from the driver's memory. Not that such a slight matter could damp the +spirits of the passengers. Rather it served to entertain them. + +"We '_ave_ gone an' fallen out of the dress-circle this time," a voice +exclaimed after an extra steep dive into a badly-filled shell crater. + +Albert, wet and unsociable, hung gloomily on to the back rail. + +"Carn't see wot they got to be so blinkin' 'appy abart," he muttered +savagely; "I don't believe it's 'arf bad in them trenches." He ruminated +bitterly on the thought that his job was probably the worst one on the +whole front, and made a resolve to put the matter right. + +When the final stopping-place had been reached and the 20th Mudlarkers, +after the usual indescribable mêlée, had been put upon the path that would +ultimately lead them (if they were fortunate enough to avoid all guides, +philosophers and friends) to their trench, the man of oil was profanely +grieved to discover that Albert Snape had abandoned X33 for the unknown. + +As a matter of fact Albert had slipped away and followed the Mudlarkers, +with a hazy idea that a rifle would fortuitously present itself. That an +extra unit could possibly be noticed never occurred to him. He had a vague +intention of joining a cavalry regiment. Very soon he lost the Mudlarkers, +and then, by an easy sequence of events, himself. + +"Wha goes there?" whispered a hoarse voice almost in his ear. It gave him +quite an unpleasant start, but, suppressing his first inspiration, which +was to say the Life Guards, he answered, "I'm a Mudlarker!" + +"This iss the Seaforths in supporrt," remarked the sentry; "ye'll be in the +firrst line, na doot. Ye'll hae to go back, an' it's the firrst turnin' tae +the left, an' keep as strecht as ye can." The Highlander stepped back into +the deeper shadows and the self-recruited Mudlarker continued his career. + +He traversed what seemed to him an interminable number of trenches without +encountering anyone. There was a reason for this lack of companionship, but +it did not at first appeal to his imagination. Suddenly he was startled by +the vicious "phut, phut, phut" of unpleasantly close shooting, and bullets +began to splash and grease along the bottom of the trench, accompanied by +the stutter of a machine gun. + +Miraculously untouched, he slid over the parados and lay, sweating with +fright, in the watery furrow of a turnip field. + +The trench was one that was seldom used, being thoroughly exposed to +enfilading fire. At stated periods through the night a machine gun was +turned on, a proceeding which, beyond gratifying the Huns, had no sort of +effect. Albert, in blissful ignorance of all such customs, floundered about +amongst the turnips until he came across a Jack Johnson crater. From this +he emerged even wetter than before. A little later he became mixed up with +some barbed wire. The more be tried to get away the more inextricably he +became involved with it. A star shell burst overhead, and a German sniper, +seizing the chance of a lifetime, put in four rounds rapid fire. + +Albert lost the lobe of an ear and had his breeches shot through, but he +managed to escape from the wire and find another furrow. Mere dampness no +longer inconvenienced him, there were so many other things to think about. +He crawled stealthily on his hands and knees and found the barbed wire +again. At length he heard the welcome sound of voices. He crawled faster +until he became aware that the voices were not speaking English, This +discovery turned him to stone. For an hour--perhaps two hours--he remained +as still as a hare in its form. + +Suddenly, blurred and crouching figures appeared out of the night. They +moved quickly and silently. One of them nearly trod upon his hand, but he +was too dazed to think of committing himself to either speech or action. + +"Give it 'em!" cried a voice a few seconds later, and the roar of the +exploding bombs signified that it had been given. + +Instantly pandemonium broke loose. Machine gun and rapid rifle fire burst +forth from the German front trenches, and streams of bullets swept over the +intervening ground like a gigantic hail-storm; then some field batteries +began to burst H.E. shrapnel above the disturbed area, while star shells +and magnesium flares threw an uneven light over the whole scene. + +A breathless body cast itself down beside the now completely mesmerised +Albert: "We ain't 'arf upset the blinkin' beehive. Lumme! it's--" + +The prone figure suddenly became silent, gave a convulsive kick or two and +rolled over towards the man who still lived. + +It was sufficient. Something seemed to draw very tense in Albert's brain +and his body reeled into action. + +Blindly and without coherent thought he ran shouting across the field, +stumbling and falling over the slippery and uneven surface, but always +picking himself up and flinging his body onward into the unknown. + +A subaltern, who was examining a luminous watch, received him at the charge +as he fell into an English first-line trench. They struggled wildly +together in the mud to the accompaniment of startling language on the part +of the subaltern. + +Then Albert, having reached his limit of endurance, had the supreme tact to +faint. + +A little later, in a well-found dug-out, the patient was refreshing himself +with copious draughts of brandy. + +"Who are you, and what the devil are you doing here?" asked the still +indignant officer. + +Albert did not hesitate longer than it takes to swallow. + +"Lorst me way, I 'ave, Sir. I'm with X 33, attached to Mechanical +Transport, an' if I ain't back pretty quick my mate 'ull fair 'ave a +bloomin' fit." + + * * * * * + +As was predicted by the sagacious man of oil, the mud upon the ---- road is +slowly climbing towards the axles, but in spite of this and sundry other +drawbacks it would be hard to find a more contented spirit than that of +Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.). + + * * * * * + +LIONS AT PLAY. + +BY A SUBALTERN. + +The Colonel rustles his newspaper, smites it into shape with a mighty fist, +rips it across in a futile endeavour to fold it accurately, and, casting it +furiously aside in a crumpled mass, says, after the manner of all true War +Lords, "Umph." Whereupon the Ante-Room as one man takes cover. + +The Colonel then turns cumbrously in his chair, permitting his eye to rove +round the room in search of the unwary prey. He smiles cynically at the +intense concentration of the Auction parties; winces at the renewed and +unnatural efforts of those who make music; glares unamiably at the feverish +book-worms, and suddenly breaks into little chuckles of satisfaction. The +Ante-Room peers cautiously round to discover the identity of the +unfortunate victim, and chuckles in its turn. The Adjutant, checked in his +stealthy retreat, hastens back, arranges the table and chess-board, pokes +the fire with unnecessary energy, and sits down. At once the Ante-Room +abandons its cover. + +The Colonel begins by grasping the box, turning it upside down, and +spilling the contents over the sides of the table. The Adjutant immediately +apologises for his clumsiness. The Colonel then liberally spreads out the +pieces, selects two pawns, and offers the Adjutant the choice of two fists. +The Adjutant chooses. Each fist opens to disclose a white pawn. The +Colonel's expansive smile over his little joke quickly turns to a frown at +the Adjutant's exaggerated laughter. He suspects the Adjutant. He seizes +two more pieces, offers his opponent another choice, but, to the latter's +huge delight and his own discomfiture, eventually discovers that both are +black. He accordingly makes use of his casting vote and selects white. + +The Colonel plays a smashing game. When it is his turn to move he never +pauses to make up his mind. His mind is already made up. All he has to do, +immediately the Adjutant has finished touching up his position, is to move +the piece his eye has been piercing throughout the long period of his +opponent's cautious deliberation. When the Colonel moves a piece he may be +said to get there. All obstructions are ruthlessly swept aside with a +callous indifference to Hague Conventions. Should a knight haply descend +from the clouds and settle on the correct square it arrives more by luck +than judgment. Tradition alleges that whenever the Colonel is called upon +to move his king in the earlier stages of the game all lights are turned +off from the neighbouring town in accordance with the Defence of the Realm +Regulations. However true this may be--the responsibility rests on the +Padre's capable shoulders--when his king is moved in the later stages the +Colonel pushes it along by half-squares in a haphazard and preoccupied +manner. He invariably fills his pipe when the end is in sight, but leaves +it unlighted so that he may cover his ultimate defeat by a general +demolition of matches. + +On this occasion the Adjutant skilfully snipes the Colonel's queen in the +sixth move. The Colonel immediately retrieves the piece from the box, asks +where it was before, examines it with the essence of loathing and revolt, +removes it out of his sight, and refuses to take it back, although he had +mistaken it for another piece. In retaliation he proceeds to concentrate +all his effectives on his opponent's queen, and, after sacrificing the +flower of his forces, drives the attack home and gains his objective with +the greatest enthusiasm. He remarks that the capture was costly, but that +honour is satisfied, and would the waiter kindly approach within ear-shot? + +While the Adjutant is working up his offensive on the Colonel's right +flank, the Colonel himself is making independent sallies on the left, +unless, of course, he is compelled to march his king out of a congested +district into more open country. On the rare occasions when he is at a loss +for a moment what to do he makes it a practice to move a pawn one square in +order to gain time. By this method, unexpectedly but none the less +jubilantly, he recovers his queen--only to see it laid low again by +enfilading fire from a perfectly obvious redoubt. + +After twenty minutes of battle the Colonel's area becomes positively +draughty, and the sole survivors of his dashing but sanguinary +counter-attack, the king and two pawns, have assumed the bored and callous +air of a remnant that has fought too long and is called upon to fight +again. The Colonel has just unceremoniously pushed his sovereign to the +rear with a flick of his nervous irritated little finger. His opponent can +obviously bring him to his knees in two moves. Instead of which the +Adjutant brazenly commences with massed bands and colours flying to execute +a masterly tactical advance with the whole of his command--cavalry, +infantry, church and tanks, in order to achieve the destruction of the two +bantam bodyguards. + +This is not playing the game, and the Colonel fumes inwardly and frets +outwardly. In the intervals of pressing down the unlit tobacco in his pipe +with an oscillating thumb, he alternately pokes his king out of the corner +and pulls it back again; while his transparent impulse is to scrap the +board, wreck the ante-room and run amok. The Adjutant continues his +innocent amusement until at last the pleasure wanes. The two heroic pawns +are carried decently off, and he apologetically whispers his suspicions of +a checkmate to his commanding officer. + +The Colonel brushes aside the Mess President's tinder-lighter, shatters the +mute triumph of the serried black ranks of the hostile forces with one +superb elevation of the eyebrows, smashes three matches in quick +succession, and proves that all the time his mind has been preoccupied with +weightier matters by saying after the manner of all true War Lords, "Umph." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tube Conductor_. "PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE! PASS +FURTHER DOWN THE CAR, PLEASE!! (_In desperation_) ANY LADY OR GENTLEMAN +PRESENT KNOW THE GERMAN FOR 'PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR'?"] + + * * * * * + +Sweetness and Light. + + O MATTHEW ARNOLD! you were right: + We need more Sweetness and more Light; + For till we break the brutal foe + Our sugar's short, our lights are low. + + * * * * * + +A LUCID EXPLANATION. + +It was my task to collect from their relatives particulars as to the +whereabouts of the wounded of our neighbourhood, for the purposes of our +local report. It wanted five minutes to twelve, the sacred dinner-hour of +the British artisan, and one name remained upon my list, against which was +a pencilled note, "Reported returning home." Did that mean that he was +disabled? And should I manage to gather the necessary information before +the clock struck? + +I knocked at the door, which was opened by a woman wearing a canvas apron +with a very tight string, her head surmounted by hair-curlers and a cloth +cap. + +"Yes, thanking you kindly," she replied in answer to my question, "me son +'_as_ been wounded. 'Eard of it from the War Office. This war's a shocking +business." + +I expressed my sympathy and asked for particulars. + +"Yer see, he was at Gallipoli." + +"At Gallipoli? Then it must have been some time ago? I understood--" + +"It was this way. Me son, 'e ses to me, 'Mother,' 'e says, 'don't you +worry, but I've had a toe took off.' 'E never was one to put up a great +shout 'bout hisself, nor nothink of that. They took 'im down to their base +'ospital. Leeharver's the name. Perhaps you know it?" + +I cast my mind over the Ægean Islands, from which Mudros sprang up very +large, and everything else sank into oblivion. "I'm afraid I don't," I +owned apologetically. + +"Thought perhaps you might. L-E first word, H-A-V-R-E second--Leeharver." + +"Oh-h, to be sure, Le Havre. I mean--yes, now you mention it, I think I +have heard of it. And is your son still there?" + +Me son, 'e ses the vermin there was something shocking, and they spent all +their spare time 'unting theirselves." + +"What? _not_ in the hospital? Oh, I see; you mean in the trenches." + +"And 'im," she continued, not noticing my remark, 'and 'im that partic'lar +'bout 'is linen; couldn't use a 'andkerchief not unless it was spotless; +must 'av a clean one every Sunday as reg'lar as the week come round. It do +seem 'ard, don't it? They've pinched his sweater too. S'pose I shall 'av to +get 'im another, s'pose I shall; but it's a job to know how to get along +these times. And now margarine's up this week, that's the latest." + +"But your son," I ventured tentatively--"is his foot still bad?" + +"Oh, 'is _foot's_ right enough. It's 'is teeth that's the worry. 'E ses to +me, 'Mother,' he ses, 'afore I can do any good I must 'ave me teeth seen +to.' Oh, this fighting's cruel work!" + +Could he have been wounded in the jaw? The thought was horrible, but I +remarked with affected cheerfulness, "Well, come, anyhow he is able to +write." + +"Oh, 'e can _write_ right enough--got the prize at school for 'rithmatic, +'e did." + +"Yes, but I mean if he is able to write he can't be so very bad." + +"Oh, 'e didn't _write_ that. That was August come a twelvemonth. The very +first thing they done to him was to take out pretty near 'alf 'is teeth. +The military authorities do pull you about something shocking." + +"And where did he go after Hav--after Leehar--I mean after the hospital?" I +was getting rather bewildered. + +"Oh, 'e went to the War right enough; but 'is digestion's that bad. They +said 'e'd feel a lot better once 'is teeth was was out, but 'e ses, +'Mother,' 'e ses, 'you want a mouth full of teeth to eat this bullet beef +what they give us.' Next thing was they set him to drive them machines." + +"What machines would those be?" I asked, groping for a little light. + +"Why, them motors as they use out there. 'E got meddling with one of 'em, +and it was the nearest thing 'e didn't 'ave 'is 'and in a jelly; the +machine didn't act proper, or somethink o' that." + +"And do you mean that his hand was injured?" + +"Not as I've 'eard on," came the prompt reply. + +"Well, but I thought you said your son _had_ been wounded." + +"Ah, yes, that was 'is toe, yer see; sent 'im down to the base 'ospital, +Leeharver." + +"Yes, you told me that; but I heard he might be coming home. I was afraid +perhaps he was disabled." + +"That's right. 'E's coming 'ome right enough. Ought to be 'ere in 'bout +five minutes. 'Ope 'is dinner 'asn't spiled time I've stood 'ere talking to +you." + +"Well, what _is_ the matter with him then?" I asked desperately. + +"Dunno there's anything partic'lar wrong with 'im. 'E's going to get +married to-morrer, if that's what you mean. 'Ope it won't be the beginning +of fresh troubles for 'im. But you never know what's coming next." + +I agreed that you never did. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ELLO, WOT'S THE MATTER WITH 'IM?" + +"SHELL SHOCK, I RECKON."] + + * * * * * + +LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA. + +III. + +Jerry, my lad,--We have lost a dear friend, and with him, alas, the piping +days of peace. No, he is not dead, or even moribund, but his friendship for +us lives no longer. His name is Feodor, and he is a Bulgar comitadjus, or +whatever is the singular of "comitadji," and he lived until lately in No. 2 +Dugout, Hyde Park, just over the way. + +It is a moot point which delighted us the more, Feodor's charming manner or +his exquisite trousers. These two characteristics were the more pleasing +because of their perfect contrast; for whereas his manner was refined and +retiring, his trousers were distinctly aggressive in their flaunting +shameless redness. + +Feodor's appearances were at first spasmodic. This was only natural, seeing +that he had not yet instilled into us his own attractive habit of _laisser +aller_ and _laisser faire_, and that his red trousers offered such a +beautiful mark. + +He would appear suddenly, smile seraphically towards us, and then disappear +before our snipers could get on to him. At first of course we tried to pot +him, but gradually our ferocity gave way to amazement and then to +tolerance. At last came a day when Feodor climbed on to his parapet and +made us a pretty little speech. We cheered him loudly, although we didn't +understand much of it. Next day we brought down an interpreter and asked +Feodor for an encore. His second performance was even more spirited than +the first, and after a graceful vote of thanks to our benefactor we asked +the interpreter to oblige. + +It appeared that from his boyhood Feodor had been apprenticed to an +assistant piano-tuner in Varna. Rosy days of rapid promotion followed, and +the boy, completely wrapped up in his profession, soon became a deputy +assistant piano-tuner. Then followed the old, old story of vaulting +ambition. + +The youth, his head turned by material success, sought to consolidate his +social position by a marriage above his station, and dared to aspire to the +hand of a full piano-tuner's daughter. + +The old man tried gentle dissuasion at first, but the obstinate pertinacity +of the stripling made him gradually lose patience. He was a hale and hearty +veteran, and when the situation came to a climax his method of dealing with +it was stern and thorough. + +Seizing the hapless Feodor during an evening call he interned him in the +vitals of a tuneless Baby Grand, and for three hours played on him CHOPIN'S +polonaise in A flat major, with the loud pedal down. On his release Feodor +had lost his reason and rushed to the nearest police-station to ask to be +sent to the Front immediately. His object, he explained, was to end the +War. The Bulgar authorities thought the plan worth trying and sent him off +as a comitadjus; and to these circumstances we were indebted for his +society. + +Every day we saw more and more of Feodor, and we grew to love him. As to +sniping him now--the idea never entered our beads. Accordingly, while a +deafening strafe proceeded daily on both sides of us, we remained in a +state of idyllic peace and hatelessness. + +Then arrived the cruel day when the Brass Hats came round, and a large and +important General asked us-- + +"But are you being offensive enough to the enemy in front?" + +"Offensive to Feodor, Sir? Impossible!" + +"You _must_ be offensive," he rejoined. "I don't think there is sufficient +hate in this part of the line." + +It was this unfortunate moment that Feodor chose to step on to his parapet +and call out cheerfully to the Great Man-- + +"Good morning, John_ee_!" + +For one tense moment I thought the General would burst. By an effort he +pulled himself together, however, and shouted to my troops in a voice of +thunder-- + +"At That Person in front--fifteen rounds rapid. Fire!" + +We had to do it, of course, and, although I think most of our sights were a +little high, accidents _will_ happen. Feodor emitted one unearthly shriek, +and his time back towards home would, if it had been taken, make a world's +championship record. + +I don't think he was physically hurt; but his poor trousers were badly +punctured!... + +Our friend, Jerry, may not be lost, but he is certainly gone behind. + + Yours always, + PETER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_who has been photographed for passport_). "THIS +PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL. WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!" + +_Photographer_. "I'M VERY SORRY, LADY; BUT, YOU SEE, THE GOVERNMENT WON'T +ALLOW US TO TOUCH UP ANY PASSPORT PHOTOS."] + + * * * * * + + "From the Pentland Firth to Norway, the eyes of the British Fleet are + those of Nunquam."--_Yorkshire Post_. + +We suppose old _Dormio_ is asleep as usual. + + * * * * * + + "The clergy will be pleased to hear of parishioners who are + sick.".--_Parish Magazine_. + +No doubt they mean it kindly, but it sounds rather callous. + + * * * * * + + "Holders of 15s. 6d. War Savings Certificates and scrip vouchers of the + War Loan are acceptable over the Post Office counter at their face + value."--_Daily News_. + +"'My face is my fortune, Sir,' she said." + + * * * * * + + "Will anyone give 15/- and a kind home to a nice little brown miniature + poodle dog, 3 years, ideal pet and companion?"--_The Bazaar_. + +Sixpence more and the little pet could buy a War Savings Certificate. + + * * * * * + +THE FATE OF UMBRELLAS. + +No. I. + +_From Arthur Vivian, Bury Street, St. James's, to Mrs. Morton, Dockington +Hall, Bucks._ + +DEAR MRS. MORTON,--Just a line to thank you very sincerely for my +delightful visit. It was like old times to see you "all gathered together +in hospitable Dockington and to find that the War, terrible as it is, has +not altogether abolished pleasant human intercourse in England, in spite of +what the Dean said. But then Deans are privileged persons. + +I am sorry to say, by the way, that in the hurry of departure this morning +I took away the wrong umbrella and left my own. I am sending back the +changeling with all proper apologies. Would you mind sending me mine? It +has a crook handle (cane) and a plain silver band with my initials engraved +on it. Please give my love to Harry and the children. + + Yours always sincerely, + ARTHUR VIVIAN. + + +No. II. + +_From the Dean of Marchester to Mrs. Morton._ + +DEAR MRS. MORTON,--I desire to thank you for three most agreeable days +spent in congenial company. You have indeed mastered the secret of making +your guests feel at home, and Dockington even in war-time is still +Dockington. Pray give my warm regards to Mr. Morton and remember me +suitably to the dear children. I wish they wouldn't keep on growing up as +they do; childhood is so delightful. + +I find to my great regret that by some inexplicable mistake I took away +with me an umbrella that is not mine. I am sending it back to you, and +shall be deeply beholden to you if you will pack up and send to me the one +I left. It is an old one, recognisable by its cane handle (crook) and an +indiarubber ring round the shaft. Pray accept my apologies for the trouble +I am giving you. + + Yours very sincerely, + CHARLES MELDEW. + + +No. III. + +_From Brigadier-General Barton to his Sister, Mrs. Morton._ + +DEAR MARY,--You gave me a capital time. There's a slight difference between +Dockington and the trenches. I'm not as a rule a great performer with +clergymen, but I liked your Dean. By the way, when I dashed off your man +put somebody else's umbrella in with me, instead of my own, which is a +natty specimen. The one I've got is an old gamp with a stout indiarubber +ring to it. I haven't time to send it back. Every moment is taken up, as I +cross to France to-night. Besides, how can you pack such a thing as an +umbrella? It's much too long. Keep mine till we meet again. Best love to +Harry and the kids. + + Ever yours, + TOM. + + +No. IV. + +_From Arthur Vivian to Mrs. Morton._ + +DEAR MRS. MORTON,--I wired you this morning asking you to do nothing about +my umbrella. The fact is I have found it at my rooms, and I am forced to +the conclusion that I never took it with me to Dockington at all. I am +awfully sorry to have given you all this trouble. It shall be a lesson to +me never to take my umbrella anywhere, or rather never to think I've taken +it, when, as a matter of fact, I haven't. + + Yours always sincerely, + ARTHUR VIVIAN. + + +No. V. + +_Telegram from Mrs. Morton to Arthur Vivian._ + + Too late. Sent off somebody's umbrella to you yesterday. +Please return it to me. + +No. VI. + +_From Mrs. Morton to her Sister, Lady Compton._ + + ... We had a few friends at Dockington last week, not a real party, but +just a few old shoes--Tom, Arthur Vivian and the Dean of Marchester and +Mrs. Dean. Since they went away I've had the most awful time with their +umbrellas. They all took away with them the wrong ones, and then wrote to +me to send them their right ones. Arthur Vivian never brought one, and +whose he took away I can't say. In fact I've been exposed to an avalanche +of returning umbrellas, and Parkins has spent all his time in doing up the +absurd things and posting them. He has just celebrated his seventieth +birthday, and these umbrellas have ruined what's left of his temper. +Umbrellas still keep pouring in, and nobody ever seems by any chance to get +the right one. It's the most discouraging thing I've ever been involved in. +As far as I can make out the Dean's umbrella is now in the trenches with +Tom. If ever I have a party at Dockington again I shall write, "No +umbrellas by request," on the invitations. + + * * * * * + +THE INN O' THE SWORD. + +A SONG OF YOUTH AND WAR. + + Roving along the King's highway + I met wi' a Romany black. + "Good day," says I; says he, "Good day, + And what may you have in your pack?" + "Why, a shirt," says I, "and a song or two + To make the road go faster." + He laughed: "Ye'll find or the day be through + There's more nor that, young master. + Oh, roving's good and youth is sweet + And love is its own reward; + But there's that shall stay your careless feet + When ye come to the Sign o' the Sword." + + "Riddle me, riddlemaree," quoth I, + "Is a game that's ill to win, + And the day is o'er fair such tasks to try"-- + Said he, "Ye shall know at the inn." + With that he suited his path to mine + And we travelled merrily, + Till I was ware of the promised sign + And the door of an hostelry. + And the Romany sang, "To the very life + Ye shall pay for bed and board; + Will ye turn aside to the House of Strife? + Will ye lodge at the Inn o' the Sword?" + + Then I looked at the inn 'twixt joy and fear, + And the Romany looked at me. + Said I, "We ha' come to a parting here + And I know not who you be." + But he only laughed as I smote on the door: + "Go, take ye the fighting chance; + Mayhap I once was a troubadour + In the knightly days of France. + Oh, the feast is set for those who dare + And the reddest o' wine outpoured; + And some sleep sound after peril and care + At the Hostelry of the Sword." + + * * * * * + +For our "National Lent"--the War Loan. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Pet of the Platoon_. "I DIDN'T HALF TELL OFF OUR SERGEANT +JUST NOW. I CALLED HIM A KNOCK-KNEED, PIGEON-TOED, SWIVEL-EYED MONKEY, AND +SAID HE OUGHT TO GO TO A NIGHT-SCHOOL!" + +_Ecstatic Chorus_. "AND WHAT DID HE SAY?" + +_Bill_ (_after a pause_). "WELL, AS A MATTER OF FAC', I DON'T THINK HE +QUITE HEARD ME."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +When the eminent in other branches of art take to literature, criticism +must naturally be tempered with respect. This is much how I feel after +reading Sir WILLIAM RICHMOND'S _The Silver Chain_ (PALMER AND HAYWARD). +Probably, however, I should have enjoyed it more had not the publishers +indulged in a wrapper-paragraph of such unbounded eulogy. If anybody is to +call this novel "a work of great artistic achievement," and praise its +"philosophy, psychology, delightful sense of humour, subtle analysis" and +all the rest, I should prefer it to be someone less interested in the wares +thus pushed. For my part I should be content to call _The Silver Chain_ by +no means an uninteresting story, the work of a distinguished man, obviously +an amateur in the craft of letters, who nevertheless has pleased himself +(and will give pleasure to others) by working into it many pen-pictures of +scenes in Egypt and Rome and Sicily, full of the glowing colour that we +should expect from their artist-author. But the tale itself, the unrewarded +love of the middle-aged "Philosopher" for the not specially attractive +heroine _Mary_, and the subordinate very Byronic romance of _Herbert_ and +_Annunziata_, quite frankly recalls those early manuscripts that most +novelists must have burnt before they were quit of boyhood, or preserved to +smile over. Still, in these winter days, when only Prime Ministers go to +Rome (and then not to bask) and Luxor is equidistant with the moon, you may +well find respite in a book so full of sunshine and memories of happy +places; but I am bound to repeat my warning that your fellow-travellers +will perhaps not be quite such stimulating society as the publishers would +have you expect. + + * * * * * + +Sir THEODORE COOK has already done sound work in dealing with German +methods, and in _The Mark of the Beast_ (MURRAY) he pursues his labours a +step further. So careful is he to give incontestable proofs for the charges +he brings against the Huns that even the most anæmic neutrals must find a +difficulty in reading this volume without recognising the truth. Especially +he emphasizes the dangers of peace-making with an enemy whose whole policy +and programme have been based on lies. And if he insists many times and +again upon this point he has his excuse in the fact that some of us are so +extraordinarily forgetful and forgiving that we cannot be reminded too +often of what the future has in store for us if we do not now remember the +past. With such an absolutely flawless case in his hands I find myself +wishing sometimes that Sir THEODORE had been less prodigal of the +denunciatory language which he hurls at Teutonic heads. Not for a moment +would I suggest that the Hun does not deserve vituperation, but I am +inclined to think that a less violent manner of attack is more effective. +In his own way, however, Sir THEODORE is inimitable, and I can pay no +higher praise to his book than to say that I know of no War-literature so +admirably calculated to make BETHMANN-HOLLWEG ("more double than his name") +really sorry for himself. + +The War has not been lacking in fine memorials of the dead. To what extent +the Germans have commemorated the fallen I have no notion; but in France +and Italy the papers constantly print tender and eloquent tributes, usually +to the young. And in England we have the same thing too, touchingly, +proudly and generously done. For the most part such tributes are mere +records, but now and then they reconstruct; and the most remarkable example +of such reconstruction--to the world at large, absolute creation--is the +memoir of _Charles Lister_ (UNWIN), which his father, Lord RIBBLESDALE, and +some devoted friends have, with perfect biographical tact, prepared. But +for CHARLES LISTER'S untimely death, leading his men against the Turks in +July, 1915, most of the letters in this book would never have been printed +at all; for whatever his career might have become--and he was a man apart +and bound for distinction--and however great a record were his, the early +years could not be thus liberally illumined. But since death decreed that +these early years--he was not quite twenty-eight when he was wounded for +the third time and succumbed--should constitute all his career, we have +this notable and beautiful book. If one had to put but a single epithet to +it I should choose "radiant." At Eton, at Balliol, at the Embassies in Rome +and Constantinople, and in the Army, CHARLES LISTER shed radiance. All his +many friends testify to this. As for his letters, they are clear and gay +and human; and they have also a sagacity that many older and more +determined observers of life might envy; while that one to Lady DESBOROUGH +upon the death of his great friend, JULIAN GRENFELL, is literature. Every +page is interesting, but some are far more than that; and at the end one +has almost too moving a concept of an ardent idealistic English gentleman +met too late. + + * * * * * + +At first sight, perhaps, _Nothing Matters_ (CASSELL) may sound to you a +somewhat, shall I say, transatlantic title for a book published in these +days, when we are all learning how enormously everything matters. But this +emotion will only last till you have read Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE'S +disarming little preface. Personally, it left me regretting only one thing +in the volume (or, to be more accurate, outside it), which was the design +of its very unornamental wrapper--a lapse, surely, from taste, for which it +would probably be quite unfair to blame the writer of what lies within. +This is almost all of it excellent fooling, and includes a brace of longish +short-stories (rather in the fantastic style of brother MAX); some fugitive +pieces that you may recall as they flitted through the fields of +journalism; with, for stiffening, a reprint of the author's admirable +lecture upon "The Importance of Humour in Tragedy." This is a title that +you may well take as a motto for the whole book. It will have, I think, a +warm welcome from Sir HERBERT'S many friends and admirers, even should it +turn out to be the case that some of his plots have been (in his own +quaintly attractive phrase) "prophetically plagiarised" by other writers. +Certainly this welcome will not be lessened by the knowledge that all +profits from the sale of the volume are to go to support a cause that, to +all who love the Stage, will be far indeed from not mattering--the fund to +supplement the incomes of the wives and families of actors at the Front. +You may regard it therefore as the lightest of comedies played, like so +many others, in the cause of charity, and put down your money with an +approving conscience. + + * * * * * + +Let no one whose heart has been touched beyond mere vicarious pride in the +achievement of our brothers-in-arms at the gate of Paris allow himself to +miss the detailed narrative of HENRI DUGARD in _The Battle of Verdun_ +(HUTCHINSON). A good translation by F. APPLEBY HOLT, rather exceptional in +these days of hurried conveyancing, does not detract from the vigour and +movement of the story. We, who only saw the long agony through the medium +of the always inadequate and discreet technicalities of the _communiqués_, +could form no real impression of the kind of fighting or of the results of +each phase of it. The author has collected the accounts or reports, so that +the strokes and counter-strokes (for there was nothing passive in this +siege) of the epic combats round Douamont, Fort Vaux, the Woevre, +Malancourt, Avocourt and the Mort Homme are intelligibly reconstructed. +Comment in the form of personal anecdotes of individual heroism is added. +Perhaps the most illuminating touch is in the letter of poor Feldwebel KARL +GARTNER, which was to have been despatched to his mother by a friend going +on leave, so as to escape the Censor's eye. It began in a mood of +robustious confidence and ended (or rather was interrupted by GARTNER'S +capture) on the most despairing note. And this was seven months before the +most brilliant counter-attack in the history of the War slammed the door +once for all in the face of the enemy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Theatrical Manager_. "THIS WON'T DO, YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT A +LAUGH--IT'S A YAWN!" + +_Poster Artist_. "WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE IN SUCH A HURRY FOR THE +SKETCH THAT YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME TIME TO LET THE IMPRESSION OF THE PIECE +WEAR OFF."] + + * * * * * + + "The scheme of utilising vacant spaces in London is being taken up + enthusiastically in the provinces."--_Evening Standard_. + +At the same time the scheme of utilising vacant spaces in the provinces is +being welcomed with similar enthusiasm in London. + + * * * * * + + "Vigorous complaints against the proposal to establish an overhead + electric system of tramways in Edinburgh were made this afternoon. + + Lord Strathclyde declared that the overhead wires proposal had + electrified the citizens."--_Scottish Paper_. + +There must be something seriously wrong with the insulation. + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +152, January 24, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14093 *** |