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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14067 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+November 7, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+ONLY FANCY!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We learn by telegraph from Berlin that some uneasiness exists in that
+capital owing to demonstrations made by the photographists and artists
+in plaster-of-Paris, who have been accustomed to reproduce likenesses
+and busts of His Imperial Majesty. They complain that, owing to a
+measure of uncertainty about the EMPEROR's personal appearance from
+day to day, they have large stocks thrown on their hands, and are
+reduced to a condition approaching bankruptcy. The crisis has been
+precipitated by the circumstance that, just when the combined trades,
+recovering from their first disaster, had produced a Christmas stock
+of portraits and busts, showing His Majesty with a beard, he shaved
+it off, and once more they have their goods returned on their hands.
+Prussian 3½ per Cents. have fallen to 83-85.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS read in the _Times_ that Signor LAGO
+had been granted the QUEEN's permission to prefix "Royal" to his opera
+entertainment at the Shaftesbury Theatre, it gave him so great a shock
+that, but for the opportune ("opera-tune," Sir AUGUSTUS jocosely put
+it) arrival of Dr. ROBSON ROUSTEM PASHA, the shock might have had a
+serious effect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On Monday last, at half-past three, the King of SPAIN cut a new tooth,
+His Majesty's seventh acquisition in this class of property. The happy
+event was celebrated by a salute of seventeen guns.
+
+"What's that?" asked His Majesty, awakened by the roar from his
+siesta.
+
+"Sire," said the Field-Marshal commanding the troops, bringing his
+trusty Toledo to the salute, "your Majesty has condescended to cut a
+tooth."
+
+"That's all very well to begin with," said the King; "but, when I grow
+a little older, I mean to cut a dash."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Previous to the appointment of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR, much speculation
+was indulged in as to the succession to the Leadership of the House of
+Commons. In Conservative circles there was an almost universal desire
+to see the place filled by a noble Baron well-known for the assiduity
+with which he arrives in town to transact business in Bouverie Street,
+returning to his country seat the same evening.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+During the interval after it had been made known that the Leadership
+of the House of Commons had been offered to Mr. BALFOUR, and whilst
+his decision was anxiously awaited, Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT was asked
+whether he thought the Chief Secretary would take the place.
+
+"Who can say, TOBY _mio_?" answered the Squire, stroking his chin,
+with a far-away glance. "The situation reminds me of an incident that
+came under my notice when I represented Oxford borough. One of my
+constituents, a worthy pastor, had had a call to another and much
+wealthier church. He asked for time to consider the proposal. One
+afternoon, a fortnight later, I met his son in High Street, and
+inquired whether his father had decided to take the new place. 'Well,'
+said the youngster, 'Pa is still praying for light, but most of the
+things are packed.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We understand that an innovation will be introduced at Guildhall on
+the occasion of the Lord MAYOR's dinner. The Lord MAYOR elect being
+a Welshman, intends to substitute the leek for the loving cup. At
+the stage of the festival where the loving cup usually goes round, a
+dish of leeks will be passed along, and every guest will be expected
+publicly to eat one. This will necessitate an alteration in the
+time-honoured formula of the Toastmaster. On the 9th of November it
+will run: "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Right Hon. the Lord
+MAYOR pledges you with a loving leek, and bids you HALL a 'arty
+welcome."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.
+
+(_BY CROESUS._)
+
+    [_Mr. Punch_ has decided that it is absolutely necessary
+    for him to publish every week a financial article. The best
+    treatises on Political Economy lay it down as an axiom
+    that, where the desire for acquisition is universal, and the
+    standard of value absolute, a balance between gain and loss
+    can only be reached by the mathematical adjustment of _meum_
+    and _tuum_. Acting upon this principle, _Mr. Punch_ has, in
+    the interests of everybody, retained the services of one of
+    the most, if not _the_ most, eminent contemporary financiers,
+    whom modesty alone prevents from signing his own name to his
+    benevolent and comprehensive articles. Those, however, who
+    care to look beneath the surface, will have no difficulty
+    in determining the identity of one of the greatest modern
+    monetary authorities, a man whose nod has before this
+    shattered prosperous empires, and whose word is even better
+    than his bond, could such a thing be possible. _Mr. Punch_ has
+    only one thing to say to those who desire to be rich. It is
+    this. Follow implicitly the advice of CROESUS.]
+
+SIR,--You have asked me to devote some of my spare time to the
+enlightenment of your readers on matters connected with the
+money-markets of the world. The request is an easy one to make. You
+talk of spare time, as if the man who controlled millions of money,
+and could _at any moment_ put all the Directors of the Bank of England
+in his waistcoat pocket, had absolutely nothing to do except to devote
+himself to the affairs of other people. Such a man has no leisure.
+When he is not engaged in launching loans, or in admitting to an
+audience the Prime Ministers of peoples rightly struggling to free
+themselves from debt by adding largely to their public liabilities,
+when, I say, he is not thusly or otherwisely engaged, his mind must
+still busy itself with the details of all the immense concerns over
+which he, more or less, presides. However, I am willing to make an
+exception in your case, and to impart to you the ripe fruits of an
+experience which has no parallel in any country of the habitable
+globe. Without, therefore, cutting any more time to waste, I begin.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+(1.) _Mines_.--There can be no doubt that in this department a largely
+increased activity may soon be expected. I am aware that in "Shafts"
+there has been a downward tendency; but I am assured by the Secretary
+of the "Dodjâ Plant Co." (19½, 6/8, 54·2½, 7/8), that the prospects
+of this branch of investment were never more brilliant. The latest
+report of the Mining Expert sent out to investigate this mine, runs
+as follows:--
+
+"I have now been three days in the interior of the Dodjâ Plant. I can
+confidently state that I found no water, though there was evidence of
+large deposits of salt, which could be worked at an immense profit.
+The gold is abundant. I have crushed ten tons of quartz _with my own
+hands_, and found the yield in florins extraordinary. The natives
+guard the mouth of the mine. Please relieve promptly. My assistant
+became a Salmi yesterday."
+
+There is some obscurity (intentional, of course) in the last
+few words. I may, therefore, state that a Salmi is one of the
+most important native bankers. The profession is only open to
+millionnaires. I therefore say, emphatically, buy Dodjâs.
+
+(2.) _The Carbon Diamond Fields_.--The latest quotations are 14-5/8 to
+the dozen, with irregular falls. Carbon Prefs. unaltered. Trusts firm.
+This is a good investment for a poor man. In fact there could not be
+a better. No necessity to deal through an ordinary stockbroker. Wire
+"CROESUS, City." That will find me, and by return you shall have
+address of banker, to whom first deposit for cover must be immediately
+paid.
+
+(3.) _Italian Cattivas_ quieter. A Correspondent asks--"What do you
+recommend a man who has laid by £20 to do in order to hold £1,000 at
+the end of a month?" I say at once, Try Cattivas (19-2/5 Def.; Deb.
+Stk. 14--15). Wire "CROESUS, City."
+
+(4.) _South-African Pih Kroost_ short. Gold continues to be in good
+demand. Anybody wishing to make a quick profit out of a small sum,
+such as from two to five sovereigns, wire "CROESUS, City" anytime
+before 12·30. In all cases of telegraphing, the message must be
+"Reply-Paid," or no notice will be taken of the communication.
+Remember "Time is Money." Keep up a good supply of both, and you'll
+live to bless "CROESUS."
+
+_Advice Gratis_.--Make (Brighton) "A," while the sun shines,
+
+Inquiries as to _The Para Docks Company_, and _The Jerrie Myer Bilder
+Company_, I will answer squarely and fairly next week. Don't move in
+these without the straight and direct advice of "CROESUS."
+
+As to the _Turpin, Sheppard, and Abershaw Highways Company_, I shall
+have something to say next week. Investors who want a real good thing,
+just hold your coin in hand for a week, till I say "Go," and then go
+it. This Company will be a big thing, _and, mind you, safe_.
+
+For the present I close the account, to re-open it next week, and, to
+show my good faith, send you my subscription, which you may read here,
+as I subscribe myself, "CROESUS, CITY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Greek: THAE PROTEKTED PHEMALE.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    ["For our part we do not believe in protected studies. Greek
+    came into the Western world, poor and needy, three centuries
+    ago. By her own unaided charms she has won her way. By
+    those charms we believe that she will hold her own against
+    all competitors until literature and civilisation are no
+    more."--_Times_.]
+
+  Protected Greek! Protected Greek!
+    BALFOUR may doubt, the _Times_ demur,
+  And chattering "correspondents" seek
+    Against the goddess strife to stir,
+  But while the Senate rules, you bet,
+  The Goths shan't smash the Grecians yet.
+
+  When Don meets Don injurious fray
+    Then comes in sooth the tug of war;
+  And on this memorable day
+    They gather in from near and far,
+  To whelm the unnatural ones who'd seek
+  To set the "Grace" against the Greek.
+
+  SWETE looks on JEBB and JEBB on BROWNE,
+    And BATESON looks on ROBERTSON SMITH.
+  They cry, "Of WELLDON 'tis ill-done!"
+    But THOMSON is a man of pith,
+  And GRIMTHORPE, that scalp-hunting "Brave"
+  Will tomahawk the "Modern" slave.
+
+  The Proctors sat with serious brow,
+    Within the swarming Senate House,
+  Voters in hundreds swarmed below,
+    Fellows of scholarship and _nous_.
+  They counted votes, and, when 'twas done,
+  _Non-placets_ had it, three to one!
+
+  And where are they, Granta's fell foes,
+    The champions of the Modern side?
+  Five twenty-five emphatic "Noes"
+    Have squelched their schemes, and dashed their pride.
+  Hurroo! for those so prompt to vindicate
+  Compulsory Greek against the Syndicate!
+
+  Thus sang, or would, or could, or should have sung,
+    The modern Greek, in imitative verse;
+  Meanwhile the Goddess, grave, though ever young,
+    Stood, Psyche-like, untempted to rehearse
+  The ragings--angrier ink was seldom slung--
+    Uttered by BYRON in Minerva's Curse.
+  She simply stood, as stately-proud as Pallas,
+  Looking so calm, some might have deemed her callous.
+
+  Amusing sight this game! _Don_ versus _Don_
+    Mixed in a sort of classic Donny brook.
+  A lethal weapon is a Lexicon
+    When rivals make a bludgeon of the book.
+  By her unaided charms the Goddess won
+    Her way. _This_ is the language of her look.
+  (The Laureate's) "Judge thou me by what I am,
+  "So shalt thou find me, fairest"--_sans_ Compulsory Cram!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETWEEN THE ACTS.
+
+    SCENE--_Europe. The Great Powers discovered in Council._
+
+_Russia_. Now, I think I have arranged matters fairly well. I shall
+myself lend a hand to France, and that will keep the balance decently
+level, so far as Germany is concerned.
+
+_Germany_. Will it? I can fight you both!
+
+_Austria_. Now, keep quiet. If we are to be partners, you must not be
+so impulsive.
+
+_Italy_. Just what I say. Why can't he take it calmly!
+
+_Russia_. Well, of course it's not my business; but if you want to
+break up the Triple Alliance, that's the way to do it! Well, then,
+France employed with you boys on the Rhine, I shall move down south,
+and quietly occupy Constantinople. Now, no one could object to that!
+
+_Germany_. Why, I should, and so would Austria, wouldn't you?
+
+_Austria_. Of course. But what could we do, if we were hard at work
+with France?
+
+_Italy_. Yes; and fancy the Mediterranean becoming a Russian lake!
+
+_Russia_. Oh, you would soon grow accustomed to it! Then I should move
+on to Afghanistan, and quietly make my way to India. But all this has
+to be done after the first step is taken. England must scuttle out of
+Egypt.
+
+_England_. Scuttle out of Egypt? Why, certainly! After consideration!
+[_Left considering._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD.
+
+_Young Lady_ (_in Contralto tones of remarkable depth and richness_).
+"HAVE YOU GOT ANY _LOW_ FRENCH SONGS?"
+
+_Music Publisher_ (_indignantly_). "_CERTAINLY_ NOT, MISS! YOU MUST
+TRY SOME OTHER ESTABLISHMENT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON THE COMING SHO.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+What a prowd and appy day dear old Whales is about for to have on the
+werry next Lord Mare's Day, as is cumming, which it's the ninth of nex
+month, which it's nex Monday. Not only is wun of the werry populusest
+of living Welchmen a going for to be made Lord MARE on that werry day,
+but the Prince of WHALES hisself, who was inwited but karnt kum cos
+he's keepin' his hone Jewbilly at ome that appy and horspigious day.
+Praps Madam HADDYLEANER PATTY (wich is quite a Welch name) would kum
+up an give us a treat on this okashun.
+
+Praps my enthewsiasm in the cause of Whales may be xcused when I
+reweals the fack that I am myself arf a Welchman, as my Mother was
+a reel one before me, and so, strange to say, was my Huncle, her
+Brother. There was sum idear of dressing me up as a Bard with a Arp,
+and I was to jine in when the rest on us struck up "_The March of the
+Men of Garlick_," but I prudently declined the temting horffer. I need
+scarcely say that Welch Rabbits will be a werry striking part of the
+Maynoo, being probably substituted for the Barrens of Beef.
+
+I'm told as all the Ministers is a cumming.
+
+BROWN, with his ushal raddicle imperence, says it's becoz they knos
+as it's for the larst time. Yes, much BROWN knos about it, when he sed
+jest the werry same thing larst year! I'm told as Mr. BALFOUR and Mr.
+GOSHEN is to be seated nex to each other, so that they can take the
+Loving Cup together. So that will be all rite. We are going to have a
+splendid Persession--the werry longest and the werry hinterestingest
+of moddern times! So I adwise all my many kyind paytrons and Country
+Cuzzins to "_cum erly_." There's no telling what dredful changes may
+take place in these horful rewolushunary times, and ewen the "Sacred
+Sho" may be stript of sum of its many attrackshuns, or ewen erbolished
+altogether! But that is, of course, only a fearfool wision, begotten,
+as SHAKSPEARE says, of too much supper last nite, "a praying on my
+eat-oppressed Brane!" No, no! There are things as is posserbel, and
+there are things as ain't, and them as ain't done werry often happen.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO GRACES.
+
+    [Miss MAUDE MILLETT was at Cambridge last week, when the
+    Grace of the Senate for an inquiry into the Compulsory Greek
+    question was _placeted_ by a large majority.]
+
+  The tug of war, when Greek met Anti-Greek
+    In deadly feud, was over in a trice.
+  They spoke out promptly, when they had to speak--
+    They would not have the Grace at any price.
+  But undergraduates of every race
+    Flocked to the Theatre, each night to fill it.
+  The Grace THEY _placeted_ was just the Grace
+    Of one fair maiden--pretty Miss MAUDE MILLETT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHILI PICKLE.--The following advertisement is sent us, extracted
+from the _Chilian Times_:--
+
+    CASA QUINTA!--TO LET in Viña del Mar the first story of a
+    comfortable house, with beautiful garden and yard, situated
+    in the finest part of the villa, and consisting of eight rooms,
+    baths, gas, cellar and all other comforts, etc., against rent
+    or board to a matrimony--Apply, &c., &c.
+
+If Chilians can treat English like this, Americans will stand a poor
+chance "_against rent or board to a matrimony_." The terms of the
+lease in Chilian Legal English would probably "afford employment for
+the gentlemen of the long robe."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Observer_ recently warned us that--
+
+    "LOUISA Lady AILESBURY must not be confounded with MARIA
+    Lady AILESBURY, who is the widow of the elder brother of her
+    husband."
+
+There is surely some misapprehension here. Lady "A." did not marry her
+deceased husband's brother, whether "elder" or younger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
+
+NO. XIII.
+
+    SCENE--_A hundred yards or so from the top of Monte Generoso,
+    above Lake Lugano. CULCHARD, who, with a crowd of other
+    excursionists, has made the ascent by rail, is toiling up the
+    steep and very slippery slope to the summit._
+
+_Culchard_ (_to himself, as he stops to pant_). _More_ climbing! I
+thought this line was supposed to go to the top! But that's Italian
+all over--hem--as PODBURY would say! Wonder, by the way, if he
+expected to be asked to come with me. I've no reason for sacrificing
+myself like that any longer! (_He sighs._) Ah, HYPATIA, if you could
+know what a dreary disenchanted blank you have made of my life! And I
+who believed you capable of appreciating such devotion as mine!
+
+_A Voice behind_. My! If I don't know that back I'll just give up!
+How've _you_ been getting along all this time, Mr. CULCHARD?
+
+_Culch._ (_turning_). Miss TROTTER! A most delightful
+and--er--unexpected meeting, indeed!
+
+[Illustration: "Struggling with a long printed Panorama."]
+
+_Miss Trotter_. Well, we came up on the cars in front of yours. We've
+taken rooms at the hotel up here. Poppa reckoned the air would be kind
+of fresher on the top of this mountain, and I don't believe but what
+he's right either. I guess I shall want another hairpin through _my_
+hat. And are you still going around with Mr. PODBURY? As inseparable
+as ever, I presume?
+
+_Culch._ Er--_about_ as inseparable. That is, we are still travelling
+together--only, on this particular afternoon--
+
+_Miss T._ He went and got mislaid? I see. He used to stray
+considerable over in Germany, didn't he? Well, I'm real pleased to see
+_you_ anyway. And how's the poetry been panning out? I hope you've had
+a pretty good yield of sonnets?
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself_). She's really grown distinctly prettier.
+She might show a little more _feeling_, though, considering we were
+almost, if not quite--(_Aloud._) So you remember my poor poems? I'm
+afraid I have not been very--er--prolific of late.
+
+_Miss T._ You don't say! I should think you'd have had one to show for
+every day, with the date to it, like a new-laid egg.
+
+_Culch._ Birds don't lay--er--I mean they don't _sing_, in the dark.
+My light has been--er--lacking of late.
+
+_Miss T._ If that's intended for me, you ought to begin chirping right
+away. But you're not going to tell me you've been "lounjun round en
+sufferin'" like--wasn't it _Uncle Remus's_ Brer Terrapin? (_Catching_
+C.'s _look of bewilderment._) What, don't you know _Uncle Remus_?
+
+_Culch._ (_politely_). Mr. TROTTER is the only relation of yours I
+have had the pleasure of meeting, as yet.
+
+_Miss T._ Why, I reckoned _Uncle Remus_ was pretty most everybody's
+relation by now. He's a book. But likely you've no use for our
+national humorous literature?
+
+_Culch._ I--er--must confess I seldom waste time over the humorous
+literature of _any_ nation.
+
+_Miss T._ I guess that accounts for your gaiety! There, don't you
+mind _me_, Mr. CULCHARD. But suppose we hurry along and inspect this
+panorama they talk so much of; it isn't going to be any sideshow. It's
+just a real representative mass-meeting of Swiss mountains, with every
+prominent peak in the country on the platform, and a deputation down
+below from the leading Italian lakes. It's ever so elegant,--and
+there's Poppa around on the top too.
+
+_ON THE TOP. TOURISTS DISCOVERED MAKING MORE OR LESS APPROPRIATE
+REMARKS._
+
+_First Tourist_ (_struggling with a long printed panorama, which flaps
+like a sail_). Grand view, Sir, get 'em all from here, you see! Monte
+Rosa, Matterhorn, Breithorn--
+
+    [_Works through them all conscientiously, until, much to
+    everybody's relief, his panorama escapes into space._
+
+_Second T._ (_a lady, with the air of a person making a discovery_).
+How wonderfully small everything looks down below!
+
+_Third T._ (_a British Matron, with a talent for incongruity_).
+Yes, dear, very--_quite_ worth coming all this way for, but as I
+was telling you, we've always been accustomed to such an evangelical
+service, so that our new Rector is really _rather_--but we're quite
+_friendly_ of course; go there for tennis, and he dines with us, and
+all that. Still, I _do_ think, when it comes to having lighted candles
+in broad daylight--(&c., &c.)
+
+_Fourth T._ (_an equally incongruous American_). Wa'al, yes, they show
+up well, cert'nly, those peaks do. But I was about to remark. Sir, I
+went to that particular establishment on Fleet Street. I called for
+a chop. And when it came, I don't deny I felt disappointed, for the
+plate all around was just as _dry_--! But the moment I struck a fork
+into that chop, Sir,--well, the way the gravy just came _gushing_ out
+was--there, it ain't no use me trying to put it in words! But from
+that instant, Sir, I kinder realised the peculiar charm of your
+British chop.
+
+_Fifth T._ (_a discontented Teuton_). I exbected more as zis. It is
+nod glear enough--nod at all. Zey dolt me from ze dop you see Milan. I
+look all aroundt. Novere I see Milan! And I lief my obera-glass behint
+me in ze drain, and I slib on ze grass and sbrain my mittle finger,
+and altogedder I do not vish I had com.
+
+_Miss T._ (_presenting CULCHARD to Mr. CYRUS K.T._). I guess you've
+met _this_ gentleman before!
+
+_Mr. T._ Well now, that's _so_. I didn't just reckon I'd meet him
+again all this way above the sea-level though, but I'm just as pleased
+to see him. Rode up on the cars, I presume, Sir? Tolerable hilly road
+all the way, _ain't_ it now? There cann't anybody say we hain' made
+the most of _our_ time since you left us. Took a run over to Berlin;
+had two hours and a haff in that city, and I dunno as I keered about
+making a more pro-tracted visit. Went right through to Vi-enna, saw
+round Vi-enna. I did want, being so near, to just waltz into Turkey
+and see that. But I guess Turkey'll have to keep till next time. Then
+back again into Switzerland, for I do seem to have kinder taken a
+fancy to Switzerland. I'd like to have put in more time there, and
+we stayed best part of a week too! But Italy's an interesting place.
+Yes, I'm getting considerable interested in Italy, so far as I've got.
+There's Geneva now--
+
+_Miss T._ You do beat anything for mixing up places, Father. And
+you don't want to be letting yourself loose on Mr. CULCHARD this
+way. You'd better go and bring Mr. VAN BOODELER along; he's round
+somewhere.
+
+_Mr. T._ I do like slinging off when I meet a friend; but I'll shut
+down, MAUD, I'll shut down.
+
+_Miss T._ Oh, there you are, CHARLEY! Come right here, and be
+introduced to Mr. CULCHARD. He's a vurry intelligent man. My
+cousin, Mr. CHARLES VAN BOODELER,--Mr. CULCHARD. Mr. VAN BOODELER's
+intelligent too. He's going to write our great National Amurrcan
+novel, soon as ever he has time for it. That's so, isn't it?
+
+_Mr. V.B._ (_a slim, pale young man, with a cosmopolitan air and a
+languid drawl_). It's our most pressing national need, Sir, and I
+have long cherished the intention of supplying it. I am collecting
+material, and, when the psychological moment arrives, I shall write
+that novel. And I believe it will be a big thing, a very big thing; I
+mean to make it a complete compendium of every phase of our great and
+complicated civilisation from State to State and from shore to shore.
+[CULCHARD _bows vaguely._
+
+_Miss T._ Yes, and the great Amurrcan public are going to rise up in
+their millions and boom it. Only I don't believe they'd better start
+booming just yet, till there's something more than covers to that
+novel. And how you're going to collect material for an Amurrcan novel,
+flying round Europe, just beats _me_!
+
+_Mr. V.B._ (_with superiority_). Because you don't realise that
+it's precisely in Europe that I find my best American types. Our
+citizens show up better against a European background,--it excites
+and stimulates their nationality, so to speak. And again, with a big
+subject like mine, you want to step back to get the proper focus. Now
+I'm _stepping_ back.
+
+_Miss T._ I guess it's more like skipping, CHARLEY. But so long as
+you're having a good time! And here's Mr. CULCHARD will fix you up
+some sonnets for headings to the chapters. You needn't begin _right_
+away, Mr. CULCHARD; I guess there's no hurry. But we get talking and
+_talking_, and never look at anything. I don't call it encouraging the
+scenery, and that's a fact!
+
+_Mr. T._ (_later, to CULCHARD_). And you're pretty comfortable at your
+hotel? Well, I dunno, after all, what there is to keep _us_ here. I
+guess we'll go down again and stop at Lugano, eh, MAUD?
+
+    [_CULCHARD eagerly awaits her reply._
+
+_Miss T._ I declare! After bringing all my trunks way up here! But
+I'd just as soon move down as not; they're not unpacked any. (_Joy of
+C._) Seems a pity, too, after engaging rooms here. And they looked real
+nice. Mr. CULCHARD, don't you and Mr. PODBURY want to come up here and
+take them? They've a perfectly splendid view, and then we could have
+yours, you know! (_C. cannot conceal his chagrin at this suggestion._)
+Well, see here, Poppa, we'll go along and try if we can't square the
+hotel-clerk and get our baggage on the cars again, and then we'll see
+just how we feel about it. I'm perfectly indifferent either way.
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself, as he follows_). Can she be really as
+indifferent as she seems? I'm afraid she has very little heart! But
+if only she can be induced to go back to Lugano ... She will be at
+the same hotel--a great point! I wish that fellow VAN BOODELER wasn't
+coming too, though ... Not that they've settled to come at all yet!...
+Still, I fancy she likes the idea ... She'll come--if I don't appear
+too anxious about it! [_He walks on, trying to whistle carelessly._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR IN A FOG.
+
+(_A RECORD OF THE NEXT CAMPAIGN OF THE COMING MOLTKE._)
+
+Our Army was now advancing in good order. We had the "A" Division
+of the enemy on our right, and the "B" Division on our left, but of
+course we had lost sight of Division "C." It was the morning after we
+had taken the fortress that had unexpectedly appeared before us on our
+right front, and had found ourselves to our surprise by the side of a
+river. The Chief of my Staff entered my tent whilst I was engaged in
+studying a map not very successfully.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"General," said he, "military music can be heard in the distance, from
+which I take it it must be the other part of our Army." "This is most
+fortunate," I replied; "but are they supposed to be in this part of
+the country? I fancied they were besieging the enemy's metropolis.
+
+"So it was reported," returned my subordinate; "but it appears that,
+taking the first turning to the right, instead of the second to the
+left, they lost their way, and instead of capturing the capital,
+surrounded a harbour, in which, to their astonishment, they found his
+fleet."
+
+"I suppose that the movements of Division 'C' are shrouded in
+mystery?"
+
+"They are," returned the Chief of the Staff, saluting. "It is presumed
+that the commander is wandering somewhere near the frontier. A spy
+from his Army says that he had entirely lost touch of the country,
+and was continually asking his way. But how about our friends, the
+remainder of our Army, who are now approaching towards us? What shall
+we do?"
+
+"Give them a fitting reception," was my reply.
+
+In a moment our Army halted and pitched their tents. Accustomed to
+State functions of every sort and description, it was no difficult
+matter to them to decorate the line of march appropriately. Suddenly
+there was the sound of firing, and five minutes later an officer
+wearing the uniform of the enemy entered my tent and surrendered his
+sword.
+
+"General," said he, "I yield to your superior knowledge of military
+tactics. I had expected to find friends, and now I have come across
+foes. And you number more than half a million of men, do you not?"
+
+"Well, no; you may mean my brother commander, who has that force under
+his orders. But we have only about twenty thousand."
+
+"And I have given up my arms for nothing," said my visitor.
+
+"To whom have I the honour of speaking?" I asked, haughtily. "I
+presume, the Captain of the 'A' Division?"
+
+"The 'A' Division! Why, they are miles away! and so are the 'B'
+Division."
+
+"Then, who on earth are you?"
+
+"Why, surely you know we are the 'C' Division?"
+
+At this moment the Chief of my Staff again appeared. "Sir," said he,
+"are we to advance or retire? I must know at once, with a view to
+arranging satisfactorily the requirements of the Commissariat."
+
+"One moment, Gentlemen," I replied, and then entered an inner recess.
+I searched my pockets, and finding my tossing half-crown, spun it into
+the air. I eagerly ascertained the result.
+
+"We will advance, Sir," said I to the Chief of the Staff on my
+return. And my tone suggested both strong determination and peremptory
+command.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LULLABY OF AN INFANT SPECULATOR.
+
+1891.
+
+(_A LONG WAY AFTER SIR WALTER SCOTT._)
+
+    [Packets called "Lucky Sweets," in which the bait is the
+    chance of "prize gifts," are having a large sale amongst
+    children.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, hush thee, my babie! thy sire is a "bear,"[1]
+  Thy mother a "booky," both leary and fair,
+  And the spirit of bold Speculation, I see,
+  Heredity's taint hath stirred early in thee.
+    Oh, two to one bar one! Heigh! dance, babie, dance!
+    Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the off-chance!
+
+  Oh, hear not thy rattle, though loudly it goes;
+  Oh, suck not thy fingers! Oh, count not thy toes!
+  The "Last Odds" and "Share List" to thee shall be read
+  To-night ere thou'rt cosily tucked up in bed.
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  Oh, hush thee, my babie! Thy sire will soon come,
+  With "Surprise Packets" for thee. Oh, ain't it yum-yum?
+  And "Lucky Sweets," babie, will catch thine off eye.
+  Not "Hush-a-bye, babie!" but rather, "Buy! Buy!"
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  My lullaby, babie, 's not that of old nurse;
+  The pillow for thee has less charms than the purse;
+  It is not that "Sweets" from those packets you'd suck;
+  No, babie, your yearning's to try your young luck.
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  You eagerly buy them, the "Prizes" to seek
+  (You "blued" two-and-tenpence, my babie, last week),
+  Those "Lucky Sweets," babie, are babydom's "play."
+  But as for the sweets, why you chuck _them_ away!
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  Oh, princes may "punt," babie; nobles may "plunge,"
+  But, babie, that chubby fist's cynical lunge
+  Means craving for nothing that babyhood _eats_:
+  No, babie, you'd fain do a "flutter" in sweets.
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  The tuck-shops, my babie, are well up to date;
+  They know Speculation now rules the whole State;
+  It sways all the classes, all ages, each sex;
+  So now we're provided with "Nursery Specs."
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  Shall Court, Camp and Counter all yield to the spell
+  And Cradledom not be considered as well?
+  Shall betting fire Oxford, and gambling witch Girton,
+  And Infancy not put its own little shirt on?
+    Oh, two to one, bar one, &c.
+
+  Oh, hush thee, my babie! the time will soon come
+  When at Baccarat boards you'll sit sucking your thumb.
+  Meanwhile "Lucky Sweets," babie, buy while you may,
+  They will teach simple childhood the charms of high play.
+    Oh, two to one, bar one! Heigh! dance, babie, dance!
+    Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the off-chance!
+
+[Footnote 1: In the Stock Exchange sense, of course.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOMESTIC DIAGNOSIS.
+
+_Jones_ (_who has come with his Wife to call on the new Neighbours_).
+"WONDER IF THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED LONG, HYPATIA?"
+
+_Mrs. Jones._ "OH NO. EVIDENTLY NEWLY-MARRIED."
+
+_Jones._ "HOW CAN YOU TELL?"
+
+_Mrs. Jones._ "DRAWING-ROOM SMELLS OF TOBACCO-SMOKE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE.
+
+(_AN OLD-FASHIONED APOLOGUE WITH A MODERN APPLICATION._)
+
+GRANDOLH and ARTHUR were two young Apprentices, bound betimes to the
+ingenious and estimable Art or Craft of _Cabinet-Making_. Both of
+them were youths of a Sprightly Genius, and of an Alert Apprehension,
+attended, in the case of GRANDOLPH, with a mighty heat and ebullition
+of Fancy, which led early to a certain frothiness or ventosity in
+speech. ARTHUR, on the other hand, though possessed of excellent
+Parts, appeared to be of a more phlegmatic temperament, and took on
+a more languorous, not to say saturnine demeanour.
+
+So it came about that for the time GRANDOLPH seemed to carry it over
+his fellow Apprentice, who indeed, amongst superficial observers,
+incurred the reproach of indolence and lackadaisical indifference,
+and although both were of creditable repute in the _Craft_, yet did
+GRANDOLPH shine the more prominently and give the greater promise
+of pre-eminence, ARTHUR seeming content, as men say, to _play second
+fiddle_ to the more pushing Performer.
+
+'Tis, however, within the purview of the Wise and the common
+observation of the Judicious, that _things are not always as they
+seem!_
+
+GRANDOLPH, at an early epoch in his Apprenticeship, did found a
+sort of Comradeny or Free Company, which, from the number of its
+constituent items, came to be intituled _The Fourth Party_, in the
+which ARTHUR modestly took subordinate place, with unobtrusive ease
+and languid resignation. This Party did push matters in the _Craft_
+with a high hand and a talkative tongue. For as the ingenious Earl
+of SHAFTESBURY saith in his _Soliloquy_, "Company is an extreme
+provocative to Fancy, and, like a hot bed in gardening, is apt to
+make our Imaginations sprout too fast."
+
+That GRANDOLPH was obnoxious to this charge of "sprouting too fast"
+may seem made manifest by the sequel. He indeed pushed himself into
+the front place by dint of copious verbosity, and militant oppugnancy.
+But (as the same SHAFTESBURY saith) where, instead of Controul,
+Debate, or Argument, the chief exercise of the wit consists in
+uncontroulable Harangues and Reasonings, which must neither be
+questioned nor contradicted; there is great danger lest the Party,
+thro' this habit, shou'd suffer much by Cruditys, Indigestions,
+Choler, bile, and particularly by a certain _tumour_, or _flatulency_,
+which renders him, of all men, the least liable to apply the
+wholesome _regimen_ of self-practice. 'Tis no wonder if such quaint
+practitioners grow to an enormous size of Absurdity, whilst they
+continue the reverse of that practice, by which alone we correct
+the Redundancy of Humours, and chasten the exuberance of Conceit and
+Fancy.
+
+Whether this particular "quaint practitioner" (our Idle Apprentice,
+GRANDOLPH) plagued "the Party" too much with his "Cruditys, Choler,"
+&c., or whether he found himself unable to correct his own "Redundancy
+of Humours," certain it is that, at the very Pinnacle of Promise,
+and Height of Achievement, GRANDOLPH broke his indentures of
+Apprenticeship, and _ran away!_
+
+And now, indeed, came the Opportunity of the true Industrious
+Apprentice, the hitherto calm and languid-looking, but, in verity,
+valorous, and vigilant, and virile ARTHTUR. Whereof, to be sure,
+he made abundant use, burgeoning forth into full blossom with
+astonishing suddenness, seizing Opportunity by the forelock with manly
+promptitude, and gaining golden opinions from all sorts of people;
+so that, after brief probation, he slipped, by general acclaim, into
+that very premier place so strangely, suddenly, and intempestively
+abdicated by the Idle Apprentice, GRANDOLPH.
+
+Concerning the latter, the latest reports are not reassuring. Like his
+celebrated prototype of fable, the ill-fated "Don't Care," he runneth
+a chance of being "devoured by lions"! At least he appears to have
+sought the company of those parlous beasts in their _native Afric
+wilds_. We hear that "the lions kept him tucked up one night," which
+same news (--gathered from a diurnal intituled the Johannesberg
+_Star_--) hath a fearsome and ill-boding sound. That he is--for the
+time at least--in every sense "tucked up," is only too obviously
+true. Peradventure he may yet think the better of it, correct his
+Frothy Distemper and Vagrant Disposition, and (as the agonising
+advertisements have it) return to his friends that all may be forgiven
+and much forgotten!
+
+But the last accounts of him picture him as lying languidly asprawl
+upon a Mausoleum in Mashonaland, _playing dice with himself!_ The tomb
+would indeed appear to be, in the sombre words of the Mystick Poet:--
+
+  "The vault of his lost Ulalume,"
+
+the runic-sounding word, "Ulalume," being taken perchance as the
+African synonym for "Reputation." Whether the cheering word _Resurgam_
+will ever be appropriate to _that_ Tomb remaineth to be seen. But
+it would appear only too plain that GRANDOLPH (in the words of the
+aforesaid SHAFTESBURY) "hath been a great frequenter of the woods and
+river-banks, where he hath consum'd abundance of his breath, suffer'd
+his Fancy to evaporate, and reduc'd the vehemence both of his Spirit
+and Voice." In short, that the erst ambitious and aspiring GRANDOLPH
+is still content, for the time at least, to play the part of _The Idle
+Apprentice_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE.
+
+(_A long way after Hogarth._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHYS"--WISE AND OTHERWISE.
+
+(_BEING QUEER QUERIES._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  I wonder why, whene'er a four-
+  Wheeler advances to a door,
+  (A common thing on Britain's shore,)
+    I wonder why,
+  At once some aged man will stand
+  And stare until its inmates land,
+  As if enchained by something grand,
+    Or weird, or high.
+
+  I wonder why the powers that mend
+  The streets should root them up, and rend
+  The roads with giant pipes on end
+    And bricks awry,
+  Just when we turn to town again;
+  Though nothing stirred while West Cockayne
+  Lay waste--a huge, deserted lane--
+    I wonder why.
+
+  I wonder why athwart the Row
+  Stray loafers linger, loth to go
+  Past the mid-crossing, and are so
+    Resolved to die,
+  Hoping that, as you gallop near
+  You'll maul them by your mad career--
+    I wonder why.
+
+  I wonder why, when theatre Stalls,
+  Are "papered" by Professionals,
+  And children arch in Thespis' halls
+    Their gambols ply,
+  Why the Box-office has the face
+  To offer _me_, who book place--
+  A Stall that would the Pit disgrace,
+    I wonder why.
+
+  I wonder why, whenever pressed
+  A little money to invest
+  In something which is quite the best
+    Affair to buy,
+  I _always_ read next morning that
+  Not _I_, but it (in parlance pat
+  Of City articles) was "Flat,"
+    I wonder why.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS NURSERY RHYMES.
+
+(_FOR USE OF INFANT STUDENTS IN NEW SCHOOL OF DRAMATIC ART._)
+
+  'Tis the voice of the Prompter,
+    I hear him quite plain;
+  He has prompted me twice,
+    Let him prompt me again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRETTY SIMPLETON.
+
+    [The _Spectator_ warns men against marrying simpletons,
+    pointing out that "there is no bore on earth equal to the
+    woman who can neither talk nor listen, and who has no mental
+    interests in common with her husband."]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  When fair BELINDA sweetly smiles,
+    And airily before you trips,
+  You're captured by her artless wiles,
+    And must admire her rosy lips.
+  You know that she is very fair,
+    You see that she has splendid eyes;
+  But ah, rash lover, have a care,
+    And find out if BELINDA's wise.
+
+  For beauty, trust us, is not all
+    A wife in these days should possess;
+  Her conversation's apt to pall,
+    If she can talk of naught but dress.
+  She need not be too deeply read,
+    You do not want a priggish bride;
+  But still take care the pretty head
+    Can boast some little brain inside.
+
+  In courtship all she said was sweet,
+    For you had died to win a glance;
+  Her little platitudes seemed neat,
+    Breathed 'mid the pauses of the dance.
+  You would have felt a heartless fiend
+    To criticise, when by her side;
+  Nor would the lady have demeaned
+    Herself to answer, had you tried.
+
+  But when you've won her for a wife,
+    And ante-nuptial glamour dies,
+  What food for matrimonial strife
+    Her crass inconsequent replies.
+  How terrible to find her dense,
+    And never grasping what you mean;
+  You'll think one gleam of common sense
+    Worth more than finest eyes e'er seen.
+
+  Days come when love no longer gives
+    Illusions as in hours of yore;
+  And hapless is the man who lives
+    To find his wife become a bore.
+  Then keep, if you'd avoid that day,
+    The wise _Spectator's_ golden rule:
+  Don't be by beauty led away,
+    And choose for wife a pretty fool.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the _Times'_ book advertisement column, the S.P.C.K. announces the
+following new publication:--
+
+    THE OUSE. By the Rev. A.J. FOSTER, M.A.
+
+This, we suppose, is the first of a new unaspirated ARRY SERIES.
+The next Volume being _The Ome_, and, after that, _Books of Ighgate,
+Amsted, Olloway, and other Ills_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Baron recognises, with pleasure, the actuality of the dramatic
+scenes _In Cambridge Courts_, by Mr. LEHMANN. The dialogues during
+rehearsal at the A.D.C., and of the Classic Play, are about the best
+of the many best things in the book. Mightily disappointed is the
+Baron with Mr. J.H. SHORTHOUSE's _Lady Falaise_, which, beginning
+so strongly, ends so feebly. Powerful it promised to be; exciting it
+promised to be; but weak it becomes, and, now and again, wearisome.
+Sorry for this is
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERIES FOR CANDIDATES (L.C.C.)
+
+(_WHAT THEY MAY COME TO._)
+
+As the County Council now has power over the Tramways of London,
+will you pledge yourself to see that smoking carriages, comfortable
+cushions, waiting-rooms at street-corners, and constant civility, are
+provided for passengers?
+
+Will you abolish the irritating and nefarious Ticket System?
+
+How long do you think it will be before the electric light is
+universally established in the cars?
+
+What is your view as to the provision of suitable places for wet
+umbrellas?
+
+Will you at once vote for "Free or Assisted Locomotion"?
+
+If a wheel of your private carriage comes off owing to skidding in
+the Tramway line, will you pledge yourself not to bring any claim for
+compensation against the Rates?
+
+Will you vote for the summary dismissal of any Conductor who proceeds
+to count the passengers after being informed that he is "full inside"?
+
+Is it a fact that you have promised to introduce "Pullman Palace
+Restaurant Cars, with free lunches," on the Tram-lines? If so, do you
+contemplate providing the cost out of your own resources, or how?
+
+You state in your Address to the Electors that you "are desirous of
+reducing the hours of Tram _employés_ to four a day, with two months'
+holiday in the year, and of giving a general rise of wages up to
+about £2 extra per week." Will you kindly say how you reconcile this
+desire with your expressed intention to "run the concern on the most
+economical plan, so as to save the pockets of the Ratepayers"?
+
+It is reported that you have pledged yourself, if elected, to see
+that the Tram Conductors "get their Saturday to Monday at Brighton as
+a regular thing." How do you propose to carry out this part of your
+programme?
+
+Do you consider yourself justified, in face of the above statements,
+in characterising the rival Candidate for the Council as "attempting
+to catch the Labour Vote by an impudent combination of insincere
+flattery, and fraudulent promises"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH ON TOUR. A REMINISCENCE OF THE RYDE SEASON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A RECOMMENDATION.
+
+_Dealer_. "NOW THERE'S HACTION FOR YOU, SIR! PUTS HER FEET DOWN AS IF
+SHE WAS A STEPPIN' ON HEGGSHELLS, DON'T SHE, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BELOW THE BELT!"
+
+(_EXTRACTS FROM THE POLITICAL "FISTIANA" OF THE PERIOD._)
+
+I.--_BY THE "BRUMMAGEM BANTAM" (AS REPORTED IN THE "INJUDICIOUS
+BOTTLEHOLDER")._
+
+"The 'Arwarden Old 'Un, Gemmen? Lor bless yer, _he_ ain't no account,
+nohow. Can't 'it a 'ole in a pound o' butter, _'e_ can't. Allus _was_
+a muff and a muddler; middling showy style, and a bit dodgy with his
+dooks, but neither a slogger _nor_ a stayer, and, atween you and me
+and the post, allus ready to hist the white feather when 'ard pressed.
+Wot's that you say? _His_ 'Travelling Company'? A reglar swindle, and
+a fair frost, Gemmen. Went 'round the country' on false purtences, and
+never did no good nowheres. Awful poor lot o' Pugs, _that_ gang. Not
+in it with the ''Atfield Combination Troupe,' as _can_ fight a bit,
+and 'as some smart scrappers in it. No, Gemmen, the 'Old 'Un' _allus
+were_ a fraud. Couldn't stand up to a Froggy, _'e_ couldn't. His
+Company muddled the 'ole bag o' tricks, and made a hawful mess of it.
+Ah, and _would_ agen, mark yer, if they got the chance. Should a'most
+like to see 'em _'ave_ another shy, if only for the bloomin' fun o'
+the thing; but it 'ud be a bit too expensive, and bring discredit on
+our Noble Hart, besides."
+
+(_Comments of the I.B.H. "Brayco, Brummagem Bantam! His style of
+hitting is straight and smart, in the ring or out of it. Hope the
+over-rated Hawardian Old 'Un and his Company relish the pepper
+young JOE has administered to the shifty Veteran and his parasitic
+'Items'!"_)
+
+II.--_FROM THE "NEWCASTLE NOBBLER," ALIAS "HONEST JOHN."_
+
+"Werry much surprised to see as that windictive Bounder, the
+'Brummagem Bantam,' has bin a letting out wicious like at his old
+pals, the 'Arwarden Old 'Un and his Pugilistic Company. '_They_
+was muffs and muddlers,' he sez. Well, he ought to ha' said 'we,'
+considerin' as _he wos one on 'em_!!! The Old 'Un was his first
+patron, and me and other members of the Company his pertikler pals,
+and _then_ he used for to crack us all up sky-high. _Now_ he rounds
+on us for 'making a mess of it.' Well, praps if _all_ wos knowed--but
+no matter! Only, to quarrel with your old pals, and then go about
+a-sneerin' and a-jeerin' at them for wot you yerself wos a party to,
+_I_ call 'hitting below the belt'"!
+
+(_Comments of the I.B.H. "Bosh! 'Honest JOHN' is a shrew, and not a
+Practical Pug. Is one prizefighter never to criticise another's style
+because he's once been in the same Company with him? Might as well say
+he must therefore never improve his own style. Besides, any stick is
+good enough to beat the Grand Old Pug-dog with!"_)
+
+III.--_REJOINDER OF THE "BRUMMAGEM BANTAM."_
+
+"'Itting below the belt be jolly well blowed! Honest JOHN don't
+believe a word 'e sez--it's ony his narsty spite. Makes hisself the
+wiaduck for the 'Arwarden Gang's witrol and winegar, _e_' do. In
+course I wos one o' the Old 'Un's Company, wus luck! But I've larned
+a bit since then. Wot do _you_ think? When I larruped my old pals, and
+called 'em mugs, messers, and muddlers, in corse I included myself,
+tacit-like. _But there was no call for to say so!_ As to not showing
+of 'em up acos I wos one of 'em--Wal_ker_!!! If _that's_ the Newcastle
+Nobbler's 'theory' of fair-play, 'e may jest go 'ome and eat coke!"
+
+(_Comments of the I.B.H. "The B.B. is quite right. If a Pug may not
+round on his old pals for doing what he helped them to do, it follows
+that he himself must never try to do better. Which is absurd! Go it,
+JOE!"_)
+
+IV.--_SURREJOINDER FROM "HONEST JOHN."_
+
+"My 'theory' ain't a bit wot the B.B. says it is. My 'theory' is that
+it's mean, and unfair, and unperfessional to curry favour with one's
+present backers by 'olding hup one's old pals to public redicule
+for doing wot we 'elped 'em to do, and at the time praised 'em _for_
+doin'. I call that 'hitting below the belt!' And I believe every
+'onest and manly Pug from FIGG to SAYERS would ha' said ditter to
+''Onest JOHN.' That's all, Gemmen!"
+
+(_Comment of the I.B.H. "Bosh! JOE's style of hitting is no doubt
+uncomfortable--for the Old 'Un and his pals. THAT'S EXACTLY WHY WE
+LIKE IT! What's the use of hitting above the belt only when the foe's
+only vulnerable below it? We rejoice to see the B.B. knocking the
+sawdust out of the Grand Old Fistic Fetish, and squelching the cant
+and claptrap out of 'Honest JOHN.'"_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STORICULES.
+
+VII.--GAZEY.
+
+"You're the fust pineter whort I've knowed," said JULIA SANBY,
+demurely. "Father works at a plumber's, but 'e ain't industr'us. 'E
+ain't a good man. An' mother drinks. Orful!"
+
+JULIA SANBY had consented, in consideration of money received, to let
+me make a sketch of her. She was a tall thin child, with a dirty and
+very intelligent face, great grey eyes, and long reddish hair. She was
+very bright and talkative; and yet she amazed me by being distinctly
+sanctimonious. She looked critically round my studio on her entrance.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"You ain't got no tex' 'ung up," she remarked, disparagingly. "We 'as
+two tex' in our kitching. I 'ung 'em up myself. An' father beat me for
+it. But I didn't keer, 'cos I knew I wos doin' good."
+
+She pressed her thin lips together, and looked like a mangled martyr.
+
+"Do you go to Sunday School?" I asked, as I got to work.
+
+"I goes reggler, an' I'm first in the School, and I knows more colics
+than any of 'em, excep' teachers. I ain't like GAZEY."
+
+"Who's GAZEY?"
+
+"She's a girl what I 'ites. She's a bad girl. We calls 'er GAZEY, 'cos
+it's short for GEHAZI; but that ain't 'er real nime. She's a liar.
+She's allus tellin' lies--seems as if she couldn't storp doin' it."
+JULIA SANBY sighed sadly.
+
+"What kind of lies?"
+
+"She don't tell no lies to get 'erself out of nothin'; 'cos she's so
+bad that she don't keer whort rows she gets inter. But she tells other
+sorts. She just sits up on the fence what goes roun' the green, an'
+mikes up things, an' a lot of the children ain't got no more sense
+than to sit roun' an' listen to 'er. That just mikes 'er worse. She
+sits theer, a-tellin' stories, an' sweerin' they're all true. You
+never 'eard such stories."
+
+"What are they all about?"
+
+"Mostly about gran' things an' wunnerful things--kings, an' carridges,
+an' angels, an' firewux, an' dreams what she says she's 'ad. An'
+she'll sweer they're true. My word, it is wicked of 'er! She's allus
+pretennin' to be things what she ain't, too. One Sat'dy arf'noon she
+said she was a steam-injun. An' she got 'old of a little boy, BOB
+COLLINGS, and said 'e was the tender. An' BOB COLLINGS 'ad to foller
+close be'ind 'er all that arf'noon, else she'd a' nigh killed 'im. 'E
+got rather tired, because she kept runnin' about, bein' a express an'
+'avin' cerlishuns. Lawst of all she wived 'er awms about, and mide a
+kind o' whooshin' noise. 'Now,' she said, 'my biler's bust, an' I'm
+done for!' So she lay flat on the wet groun', an' the tender went 'ome
+to 'is tea."
+
+"What's she like to look at?"
+
+JULIA SANBY confessed, with apparent reluctance, that GAZEY was very
+pretty. "She's prettier nor I am, nor any of the other childrun roun'
+'ere. She's got golding 'air, an' blue eyes. But I 'ite 'er, 'cos
+she's so bad, an' 'cos she mikes the other children bad. I don't never
+listen to none of 'er mike-ups now."
+
+"Would she let me make a sketch of her?"
+
+"Dunno. You wouldn't like 'er. She's low in the wye she talks. The new
+curick don't like 'er. Nobody don't like 'er."
+
+Now, just in this sentence, I fancied that the sanctimoniousness of
+JULIA SANBY had become mixed with some real feeling. I also reflected
+on the fact that, although most children are egoists, JULIA SANBY
+seemed to take more pleasure in talking about GAZEY than in discussing
+herself. I had distinct suspicions.
+
+"Could you remember any of GAZEY's stories?"
+
+"Might, p'raps."
+
+"Go on, then. Tell me one."
+
+She began a story, which was obviously an improvisation, with little
+incidents taken from other stories added to it. It was full of the
+wildest imaginings. She told it without the least nervousness or
+embarrassment. Her assumption of demureness and sanctity vanished
+utterly. She became vivid and dramatic. "An' I'd tike my gorspil oath
+it's all true," she added, at the conclusion, as if from force of
+habit.
+
+"JULIA SANBY," I said, "GAZEY has not got golden hair nor blue eyes,
+neither is she pretty. _You_ are GAZEY."
+
+"I swear I ain't. I'm a good girl, and knows my colics; GAZEY's
+something orful."
+
+"Very well," I answered, and went on finishing the sketch, as though
+I took no interest in her. After a few seconds' silence, she added,
+quite calmly,
+
+"Owdjer know? I can pretend proper, cawn't I? But I 'adn't never
+talked about myself as if I was someone else afore. That pickshur
+ain't much like me."
+
+"It will be when it's finished. Come to-morrow at the same time."
+
+"Do you think I'm a liar?"
+
+"You're either a liar or an artist, but I'm not sure which."
+
+GAZEY put on her exceedingly frowsy hat. "The new curick needn't a bin
+so cock-sure about it then. G'mornin'."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST FROM BOBBY.
+
+(_AN INTERCEPTED LETTER._)
+
+_Schoolhouse, Swishborough._
+
+_Thursday._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEAREST DARLING MOTHER,
+
+I was so glad to get the hamper, and it has done me much good, all the
+fellows were pleased with the cake, and the sardines were first-rate,
+and the potted stuffs were awfully good. I am sorry you forgot the
+bottles of acidulated drops, but you can send them in the next
+hamper as soon as you like. There are only sixty-two days to the
+holidays--1688 hours including nights! Isn't that jolly!
+
+And now, my dear Mother, I want to write most seriously to you upon a
+matter of great importance. You know I have been doing "Music" as an
+"extra." Well, it does not agree with me. The fact is, it is an hour
+every week in my playtime, when the Doctor says it is good for my
+health that I should be enjoying myself. And "Music" is an extra,
+like "Sausages for breakfast." And, of course, one has to think of
+all that. How hard dear Papa works to get his living; and, of course,
+I oughtn't to waste anything, ought I? Well, I really think I could
+give up "Music." After all, it's awful rot, and only fit for a pack of
+girls! So this is the great favour I'm going to ask you--and mind you
+say "Yes." May I give up "Music," and take up "Sausages for breakfast"
+instead?
+
+Always your most loving Son, BOBBY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IF THE FASHION SPREADS.
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of a Fashionable Church. The Incumbent has
+    read the Banns of Marriage between JOHN PLANTAGENET DE SMITH
+    and MARY STUART DE BROWN, and asks the usual question._
+
+_Counsel_ (_rising in pew_). I beg to object.
+
+_Incumbent_ (_surprised, but self-possessed_). You will be good enough
+to communicate with us in the Vestry, at the end of the service,
+
+_Counsel_. But I prefer to raise my objections at once. I may say,
+Reverend Sir, that I am here on behalf of Mr. JOHN PLANTAGENET DE
+SMITH, who is my client. I am instructed by the Messrs. CAPIAS of
+Bedford Row, and I contend that since the Members of the London County
+Council have instructed counsel to appear on their behalf at meetings
+in which they themselves act judicially, the right extends to Places
+of Public Worship.
+
+_Incumbent_. Perhaps we might hear you later. If you were kind enough
+to raise your objections in the Vestry, it would be--
+
+_Counsel_ (_interrupting_). Pardon me, that would scarcely be
+satisfactory. We do not wish any hole-and-corner agitation. I
+am instructed by my client to say, that he courts the fullest
+investigation. Now, the facts are these:--
+
+    [_Gives the facts, and ends an eloquent speech with a
+    magnificent peroration._
+
+_Incumbent_. In consequence of the rather long argument of our dear
+and learned brother, the customary quarter of an hour's sermon will
+not be given on this occasion. [_Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AL FRESCO OPERA.--_Cavalleria Rusticana_ at the Royal Shaftesbury,
+and _Le Rêve_ in the Winter (Covent) Garden kept by Ex-Sheriff
+DRURIOLANUS. "About the latter," says Sir DRURIOLANUS, "some
+enthusiasts quite _rave_. See?" (_Exit Ex-Sheriff, to note this down
+for the forthcoming Pantomime._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, November 7, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14067 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14067 ***</div>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 101.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>November 7, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page217"
+       id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span>
+
+    <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/217-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/217-1.png"
+             alt="Two-headed bust of the Emperor." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>We learn by telegraph from Berlin that some uneasiness
+    exists in that capital owing to demonstrations made by the
+    photographists and artists in plaster-of-Paris, who have been
+    accustomed to reproduce likenesses and busts of His Imperial
+    Majesty. They complain that, owing to a measure of uncertainty
+    about the EMPEROR's personal appearance from day to day, they
+    have large stocks thrown on their hands, and are reduced to a
+    condition approaching bankruptcy. The crisis has been
+    precipitated by the circumstance that, just when the combined
+    trades, recovering from their first disaster, had produced a
+    Christmas stock of portraits and busts, showing His Majesty
+    with a beard, he shaved it off, and once more they have their
+    goods returned on their hands. Prussian 3-1/2 per Cents. have
+    fallen to 83-85.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>When Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS read in the <i>Times</i> that
+    Signor LAGO had been granted the QUEEN's permission to prefix
+    "Royal" to his opera entertainment at the Shaftesbury Theatre,
+    it gave him so great a shock that, but for the opportune
+    ("opera-tune," Sir AUGUSTUS jocosely put it) arrival of Dr.
+    ROBSON ROUSTEM PASHA, the shock might have had a serious
+    effect.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>On Monday last, at half-past three, the King of SPAIN cut a
+    new tooth, His Majesty's seventh acquisition in this class of
+    property. The happy event was celebrated by a salute of
+    seventeen guns.</p>
+
+    <p>"What's that?" asked His Majesty, awakened by the roar from
+    his siesta.</p>
+
+    <p>"Sire," said the Field-Marshal commanding the troops,
+    bringing his trusty Toledo to the salute, "your Majesty has
+    condescended to cut a tooth."</p>
+
+    <p>"That's all very well to begin with," said the King; "but,
+    when I grow a little older, I mean to cut a dash."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Previous to the appointment of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR, much
+    speculation was indulged in as to the succession to the
+    Leadership of the House of Commons. In Conservative circles
+    there was an almost universal desire to see the place filled by
+    a noble Baron well-known for the assiduity with which he
+    arrives in town to transact business in Bouverie Street,
+    returning to his country seat the same evening.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>During the interval after it had been made known that the
+    Leadership of the House of Commons had been offered to Mr.
+    BALFOUR, and whilst his decision was anxiously awaited, Sir
+    WILLIAM HARCOURT was asked whether he thought the Chief
+    Secretary would take the place.</p>
+
+    <p>"Who can say, TOBY <i>mio</i>?" answered the Squire,
+    stroking his chin, with a far-away glance. "The situation
+    reminds me of an incident that came under my notice when I
+    represented Oxford borough. One of my constituents, a worthy
+    pastor, had had a call to another and much wealthier church. He
+    asked for time to consider the proposal. One afternoon, a
+    fortnight later, I met his son in High Street, and inquired
+    whether his father had decided to take the new place. 'Well,'
+    said the youngster, 'Pa is still praying for light, but most of
+    the things are packed.'"</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We understand that an innovation will be introduced at
+    Guildhall on the occasion of the Lord MAYOR's dinner. The Lord
+    MAYOR elect being a Welshman, intends to substitute the leek
+    for the loving cup. At the stage of the festival where the
+    loving cup usually goes round, a dish of leeks will be passed
+    along, and every guest will be expected publicly to eat one.
+    This will necessitate an alteration in the time-honoured
+    formula of the Toastmaster. On the 9th of November it will run:
+    "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Right Hon. the Lord MAYOR
+    pledges you with a loving leek, and bids you HALL a 'arty
+    welcome."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Croesus.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[<i>Mr. Punch</i> has decided that it is absolutely
+        necessary for him to publish every week a financial
+        article. The best treatises on Political Economy lay it
+        down as an axiom that, where the desire for acquisition is
+        universal, and the standard of value absolute, a balance
+        between gain and loss can only be reached by the
+        mathematical adjustment of <i>meum</i> and <i>tuum</i>.
+        Acting upon this principle, <i>Mr. Punch</i> has, in the
+        interests of everybody, retained the services of one of the
+        most, if not <i>the</i> most, eminent contemporary
+        financiers, whom modesty alone prevents from signing his
+        own name to his benevolent and comprehensive articles.
+        Those, however, who care to look beneath the surface, will
+        have no difficulty in determining the identity of one of
+        the greatest modern monetary authorities, a man whose nod
+        has before this shattered prosperous empires, and whose
+        word is even better than his bond, could such a thing be
+        possible. <i>Mr. Punch</i> has only one thing to say to
+        those who desire to be rich. It is this. Follow implicitly
+        the advice of CROESUS.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;You have asked me to devote some of my spare time
+    to the enlightenment of your readers on matters connected with
+    the money-markets of the world. The request is an easy one to
+    make. You talk of spare time, as if the man who controlled
+    millions of money, and could <i>at any moment</i> put all the
+    Directors of the Bank of England in his waistcoat pocket, had
+    absolutely nothing to do except to devote himself to the
+    affairs of other people. Such a man has no leisure. When he is
+    not engaged in launching loans, or in admitting to an audience
+    the Prime Ministers of peoples rightly struggling to free
+    themselves from debt by adding largely to their public
+    liabilities, when, I say, he is not thusly or otherwisely
+    engaged, his mind must still busy itself with the details of
+    all the immense concerns over which he, more or less, presides.
+    However, I am willing to make an exception in your case, and to
+    impart to you the ripe fruits of an experience which has no
+    parallel in any country of the habitable globe. Without,
+    therefore, cutting any more time to waste, I begin.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:14%;">
+        <a href="images/217-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/217-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>(1.) <i>Mines</i>.&mdash;There can be no doubt that in this
+    department a largely increased activity may soon be expected. I
+    am aware that in "Shafts" there has been a downward tendency;
+    but I am assured by the Secretary of the "Dodjâ Plant Co."
+    (19-1/2, 6/8, 54·2-1/2, 7/8), that the prospects of this branch
+    of investment were never more brilliant. The latest report of
+    the Mining Expert sent out to investigate this mine, runs as
+    follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"I have now been three days in the interior of the Dodjâ
+    Plant. I can confidently state that I found no water, though
+    there was evidence of large deposits of salt, which could be
+    worked at an immense profit. The gold is abundant. I have
+    crushed ten tons of quartz <i>with my own hands</i>, and found
+    the yield in florins extraordinary. The natives guard the mouth
+    of the mine. Please relieve promptly. My assistant became a
+    Salmi yesterday."</p>
+
+    <p>There is some obscurity (intentional, of course) in the last
+    few words. I may, therefore, state that a Salmi is one of the
+    most important native bankers. The profession is only open to
+    millionnaires. I therefore say, emphatically, buy Dodjâs.</p>
+
+    <p>(2.) <i>The Carbon Diamond Fields</i>.&mdash;The latest
+    quotations are 14-5/8 to the dozen, with irregular falls.
+    Carbon Prefs. unaltered. Trusts firm. This is a good investment
+    for a poor man. In fact there could not be a better. No
+    necessity to deal through an ordinary stockbroker. Wire
+    "CROESUS, City." That will find me, and by return you shall
+    have address of banker, to whom first deposit for cover must be
+    immediately paid.</p>
+
+    <p>(3.) <i>Italian Cattivas</i> quieter. A Correspondent
+    asks&mdash;"What do you recommend a man who has laid by £20 to
+    do in order to hold £1,000 at the end of a month?" I say at
+    once, Try Cattivas (19-2/5 Def.; Deb. Stk. 14&mdash;15). Wire
+    "CROESUS, City."</p>
+
+    <p>(4.) <i>South-African Pih Kroost</i> short. Gold continues
+    to be in good demand. Anybody wishing to make a quick profit
+    out of a small sum, such as from two to five sovereigns, wire
+    "CROESUS, City" anytime before 12·30. In all cases of
+    telegraphing, the message must be "Reply-Paid," or no notice
+    will be taken of the communication. Remember "Time is Money."
+    Keep up a good supply of both, and you'll live to bless
+    "CROESUS."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Advice Gratis</i>.&mdash;Make (Brighton) "A," while the
+    sun shines,</p>
+
+    <p>Inquiries as to <i>The Para Docks Company</i>, and <i>The
+    Jerrie Myer Bilder Company</i>, I will answer squarely and
+    fairly next week. Don't move in these without the straight and
+    direct advice of "CROESUS."</p>
+
+    <p>As to the <i>Turpin, Sheppard, and Abershaw Highways
+    Company</i>, I shall have something to say next week. Investors
+    who want a real good thing, just hold your coin in hand for a
+    week, till I say "Go," and then go it. This Company will be a
+    big thing, <i>and, mind you, safe</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>For the present I close the account, to re-open it next
+    week, and, to show my good faith, send you my subscription,
+    which you may read here, as I subscribe myself, "CROESUS,
+    CITY."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page218"
+       id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <h2>&Theta;&Eta;
+        &Pi;&Rho;&Omega;&Tau;&Epsilon;&Kappa;&Tau;&Epsilon;&Delta;
+        &Phi;&Eta;&Mu;&Alpha;&Lambda;&Epsilon;.</h2><a href="images/218.png">
+        <img width="100%"
+             src="images/218.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["For our part we do not believe in protected studies.
+        Greek came into the Western world, poor and needy, three
+        centuries ago. By her own unaided charms she has won her
+        way. By those charms we believe that she will hold her own
+        against all competitors until literature and civilisation
+        are no more."&mdash;<i>Times</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Protected Greek! Protected Greek!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">BALFOUR may doubt, the <i>Times</i>
+            demur,</p>
+
+            <p>And chattering "correspondents" seek</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Against the goddess strife to stir,</p>
+
+            <p>But while the Senate rules, you bet,</p>
+
+            <p>The Goths shan't smash the Grecians yet.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When Don meets Don injurious fray</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Then comes in sooth the tug of war;</p>
+
+            <p>And on this memorable day</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They gather in from near and far,</p>
+
+            <p>To whelm the unnatural ones who'd seek</p>
+
+            <p>To set the "Grace" against the Greek.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>SWETE looks on JEBB and JEBB on BROWNE,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And BATESON looks on ROBERTSON SMITH.</p>
+
+            <p>They cry, "Of WELLDON 'tis ill-done!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But THOMSON is a man of pith,</p>
+
+            <p>And GRIMTHORPE, that scalp-hunting "Brave"</p>
+
+            <p>Will tomahawk the "Modern" slave.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Proctors sat with serious brow,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Within the swarming Senate House,</p>
+
+            <p>Voters in hundreds swarmed below,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fellows of scholarship and
+            <i>nous</i>.</p>
+
+            <p>They counted votes, and, when 'twas done,</p>
+
+            <p><i>Non-placets</i> had it, three to one!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And where are they, Granta's fell foes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The champions of the Modern side?</p>
+
+            <p>Five twenty-five emphatic "Noes"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Have squelched their schemes, and dashed
+            their pride.</p>
+
+            <p>Hurroo! for those so prompt to vindicate</p>
+
+            <p>Compulsory Greek against the Syndicate!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page219"
+       id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thus sang, or would, or could, or should have
+            sung,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The modern Greek, in imitative verse;</p>
+
+            <p>Meanwhile the Goddess, grave, though ever young,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Stood, Psyche-like, untempted to
+            rehearse</p>
+
+            <p>The ragings&mdash;angrier ink was seldom
+            slung&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Uttered by BYRON in Minerva's Curse.</p>
+
+            <p>She simply stood, as stately-proud as Pallas,</p>
+
+            <p>Looking so calm, some might have deemed her
+            callous.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Amusing sight this game! <i>Don</i> versus
+            <i>Don</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mixed in a sort of classic Donny
+            brook.</p>
+
+            <p>A lethal weapon is a Lexicon</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When rivals make a bludgeon of the
+            book.</p>
+
+            <p>By her unaided charms the Goddess won</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her way. <i>This</i> is the language of
+            her look.</p>
+
+            <p>(The Laureate's) "Judge thou me by what I am,</p>
+
+            <p>"So shalt thou find me, fairest"&mdash;<i>sans</i>
+            Compulsory Cram!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>BETWEEN THE ACTS.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>Europe. The Great Powers discovered in
+        Council.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Russia</i>. Now, I think I have arranged matters fairly
+    well. I shall myself lend a hand to France, and that will keep
+    the balance decently level, so far as Germany is concerned.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Germany</i>. Will it? I can fight you both!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Austria</i>. Now, keep quiet. If we are to be partners,
+    you must not be so impulsive.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Italy</i>. Just what I say. Why can't he take it
+    calmly!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Russia</i>. Well, of course it's not my business; but if
+    you want to break up the Triple Alliance, that's the way to do
+    it! Well, then, France employed with you boys on the Rhine, I
+    shall move down south, and quietly occupy Constantinople. Now,
+    no one could object to that!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Germany</i>. Why, I should, and so would Austria,
+    wouldn't you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Austria</i>. Of course. But what could we do, if we were
+    hard at work with France?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Italy</i>. Yes; and fancy the Mediterranean becoming a
+    Russian lake!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Russia</i>. Oh, you would soon grow accustomed to it!
+    Then I should move on to Afghanistan, and quietly make my way
+    to India. But all this has to be done after the first step is
+    taken. England must scuttle out of Egypt.</p>
+
+    <p><i>England</i>. Scuttle out of Egypt? Why, certainly! After
+    consideration! [<i>Left considering.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/219-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/219-1.png"
+             alt="MISUNDERSTOOD." /></a>
+
+        <h3>MISUNDERSTOOD.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Young Lady</i> (<i>in Contralto tones of remarkable
+        depth and richness</i>). "HAVE YOU GOT ANY <i>LOW</i>
+        FRENCH SONGS?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Music Publisher</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). "<i>CERTAINLY</i>
+        NOT, MISS! YOU MUST TRY SOME OTHER ESTABLISHMENT!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ROBERT ON THE COMING SHO.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/219-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/219-2.png"
+             alt="Robert." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>What a prowd and appy day dear old Whales is about for to
+    have on the werry next Lord Mare's Day, as is cumming, which
+    it's the ninth of nex month, which it's nex Monday. Not only is
+    wun of the werry populusest of living Welchmen a going for to
+    be made Lord MARE on that werry day, but the Prince of WHALES
+    hisself, who was inwited but karnt kum cos he's keepin' his
+    hone Jewbilly at ome that appy and horspigious day. Praps Madam
+    HADDYLEANER PATTY (wich is quite a Welch name) would kum up an
+    give us a treat on this okashun.</p>
+
+    <p>Praps my enthewsiasm in the cause of Whales may be xcused
+    when I reweals the fack that I am myself arf a Welchman, as my
+    Mother was a reel one before me, and so, strange to say, was my
+    Huncle, her Brother. There was sum idear of dressing me up as a
+    Bard with a Arp, and I was to jine in when the rest on us
+    struck up "<i>The March of the Men of Garlick</i>," but I
+    prudently declined the temting horffer. I need scarcely say
+    that Welch Rabbits will be a werry striking part of the Maynoo,
+    being probably substituted for the Barrens of Beef.</p>
+
+    <p>I'm told as all the Ministers is a cumming.</p>
+
+    <p>BROWN, with his ushal raddicle imperence, says it's becoz
+    they knos as it's for the larst time. Yes, much BROWN knos
+    about it, when he sed jest the werry same thing larst year! I'm
+    told as Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. GOSHEN is to be seated nex to each
+    other, so that they can take the Loving Cup together. So that
+    will be all rite. We are going to have a splendid
+    Persession&mdash;the werry longest and the werry
+    hinterestingest of moddern times! So I adwise all my many kyind
+    paytrons and Country Cuzzins to "<i>cum erly</i>." There's no
+    telling what dredful changes may take place in these horful
+    rewolushunary times, and ewen the "Sacred Sho" may be stript of
+    sum of its many attrackshuns, or ewen erbolished altogether!
+    But that is, of course, only a fearfool wision, begotten, as
+    SHAKSPEARE says, of too much supper last nite, "a praying on my
+    eat-oppressed Brane!" No, no! There are things as is posserbel,
+    and there are things as ain't, and them as ain't done werry
+    often happen.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ROBERT.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The Two Graces.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[Miss MAUDE MILLETT was at Cambridge last week, when the
+        Grace of the Senate for an inquiry into the Compulsory
+        Greek question was <i>placeted</i> by a large
+        majority.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The tug of war, when Greek met Anti-Greek</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In deadly feud, was over in a trice.</p>
+
+            <p>They spoke out promptly, when they had to
+            speak&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They would not have the Grace at any
+            price.</p>
+
+            <p>But undergraduates of every race</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Flocked to the Theatre, each night to
+            fill it.</p>
+
+            <p>The Grace THEY <i>placeted</i> was just the
+            Grace</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of one fair maiden&mdash;pretty Miss
+            MAUDE MILLETT.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A CHILI PICKLE.&mdash;The following advertisement is sent
+    us, extracted from the <i>Chilian Times</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><font size="+3">C</font>ASA QUINTA!&mdash;TO LET in Viña
+        del Mar the first story of a comfortable house, with
+        beautiful garden and yard, situated in the finest part of
+        the villa, and consisting of eight rooms, baths, gas,
+        cellar and all other comforts, etc., against rent or board
+        to a matrimony&mdash;Apply, &amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>If Chilians can treat English like this, Americans will
+    stand a poor chance "<i>against rent or board to a
+    matrimony</i>." The terms of the lease in Chilian Legal English
+    would probably "afford employment for the gentlemen of the long
+    robe."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>The <i>Observer</i> recently warned us that&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"LOUISA Lady AILESBURY must not be confounded with MARIA
+        Lady AILESBURY, who is the widow of the elder brother of
+        her husband."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>There is surely some misapprehension here. Lady "A." did not
+    marry her deceased husband's brother, whether "elder" or
+    younger.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page220"
+       id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. XIII.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>A hundred yards or so from the top of
+        Monte Generoso, above Lake Lugano.</i> CULCHARD, <i>who,
+        with a crowd of other excursionists, has made the ascent by
+        rail, is toiling up the steep and very slippery slope to
+        the summit.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>to himself, as he stops to pant</i>).
+    <i>More</i> climbing! I thought this line was supposed to go to
+    the top! But that's Italian all over&mdash;hem&mdash;as PODBURY
+    would say! Wonder, by the way, if he expected to be asked to
+    come with me. I've no reason for sacrificing myself like that
+    any longer! (<i>He sighs.</i>) Ah, HYPATIA, if you could know
+    what a dreary disenchanted blank you have made of my life! And
+    I who believed you capable of appreciating such devotion as
+    mine!</p>
+
+    <p><i>A Voice behind</i>. My! If I don't know that back I'll
+    just give up! How've <i>you</i> been getting along all this
+    time, Mr. CULCHARD?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>turning</i>). Miss TROTTER! A most
+    delightful and&mdash;er&mdash;unexpected meeting, indeed!</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:45%;">
+        <a href="images/220.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220.png"
+             alt="'Struggling with a long printed Panorama.'" />
+             </a>"Struggling with a long printed Panorama."
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Trotter</i>. Well, we came up on the cars in front
+    of yours. We've taken rooms at the hotel up here. Poppa
+    reckoned the air would be kind of fresher on the top of this
+    mountain, and I don't believe but what he's right either. I
+    guess I shall want another hairpin through <i>my</i> hat. And
+    are you still going around with Mr. PODBURY? As inseparable as
+    ever, I presume?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> Er&mdash;<i>about</i> as inseparable. That is,
+    we are still travelling together&mdash;only, on this particular
+    afternoon&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> He went and got mislaid? I see. He used to
+    stray considerable over in Germany, didn't he? Well, I'm real
+    pleased to see <i>you</i> anyway. And how's the poetry been
+    panning out? I hope you've had a pretty good yield of
+    sonnets?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). She's really grown
+    distinctly prettier. She might show a little more
+    <i>feeling</i>, though, considering we were almost, if not
+    quite&mdash;(<i>Aloud.</i>) So you remember my poor poems? I'm
+    afraid I have not been very&mdash;er&mdash;prolific of
+    late.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> You don't say! I should think you'd have had
+    one to show for every day, with the date to it, like a new-laid
+    egg.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> Birds don't lay&mdash;er&mdash;I mean they
+    don't <i>sing</i>, in the dark. My light has
+    been&mdash;er&mdash;lacking of late.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> If that's intended for me, you ought to begin
+    chirping right away. But you're not going to tell me you've
+    been "lounjun round en sufferin'" like&mdash;wasn't it <i>Uncle
+    Remus's</i> Brer Terrapin? (<i>Catching</i> C.'s <i>look of
+    bewilderment.</i>) What, don't you know <i>Uncle Remus</i>?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>politely</i>). Mr. TROTTER is the only
+    relation of yours I have had the pleasure of meeting, as
+    yet.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> Why, I reckoned <i>Uncle Remus</i> was pretty
+    most everybody's relation by now. He's a book. But likely
+    you've no use for our national humorous literature?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> I&mdash;er&mdash;must confess I seldom waste
+    time over the humorous literature of <i>any</i> nation.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> I guess that accounts for your gaiety! There,
+    don't you mind <i>me</i>, Mr. CULCHARD. But suppose we hurry
+    along and inspect this panorama they talk so much of; it isn't
+    going to be any sideshow. It's just a real representative
+    mass-meeting of Swiss mountains, with every prominent peak in
+    the country on the platform, and a deputation down below from
+    the leading Italian lakes. It's ever so elegant,&mdash;and
+    there's Poppa around on the top too.</p>
+
+    <h4><i>On the top. Tourists discovered making more or less
+    appropriate remarks.</i></h4>
+
+    <p><i>First Tourist</i> (<i>struggling with a long printed
+    panorama, which flaps like a sail</i>). Grand view, Sir, get
+    'em all from here, you see! Monte Rosa, Matterhorn,
+    Breithorn&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Works through them all conscientiously, until, much to
+        everybody's relief, his panorama escapes into space.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Second T.</i> (<i>a lady, with the air of a person making
+    a discovery</i>). How wonderfully small everything looks down
+    below!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Third T.</i> (<i>a British Matron, with a talent for
+    incongruity</i>). Yes, dear, very&mdash;<i>quite</i> worth
+    coming all this way for, but as I was telling you, we've always
+    been accustomed to such an evangelical service, so that our new
+    Rector is really <i>rather</i>&mdash;but we're quite
+    <i>friendly</i> of course; go there for tennis, and he dines
+    with us, and all that. Still, I <i>do</i> think, when it comes
+    to having lighted candles in broad daylight&mdash;(&amp;c.,
+    &amp;c.)</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fourth T.</i> (<i>an equally incongruous American</i>).
+    Wa'al, yes, they show up well, cert'nly, those peaks do. But I
+    was about to remark. Sir, I went to that particular
+    establishment on Fleet Street. I called for a chop. And when it
+    came, I don't deny I felt disappointed, for the plate all
+    around was just as <i>dry</i>&mdash;! But the moment I struck a
+    fork into that chop, Sir,&mdash;well, the way the gravy just
+    came <i>gushing</i> out was&mdash;there, it ain't no use me
+    trying to put it in words! But from that instant, Sir, I kinder
+    realised the peculiar charm of your British chop.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fifth T.</i> (<i>a discontented Teuton</i>). I exbected
+    more as zis. It is nod glear enough&mdash;nod at all. Zey dolt
+    me from ze dop you see Milan. I look all aroundt. Novere I see
+    Milan! And I lief my obera-glass behint me in ze drain, and I
+    slib on ze grass and sbrain my mittle finger, and altogedder I
+    do not vish I had com.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> (<i>presenting</i> CULCHARD <i>to</i> Mr.
+    CYRUS K.T.). I guess you've met <i>this</i> gentleman
+    before!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Well now, that's <i>so</i>. I didn't just
+    reckon I'd meet him again all this way above the sea-level
+    though, but I'm just as pleased to see him. Rode up on the
+    cars, I presume, Sir? Tolerable hilly road all the way,
+    <i>ain't</i> it now? There cann't anybody say we hain' made the
+    most of <i>our</i> time since you left us. Took a run over to
+    Berlin; had two hours and a haff in that city, and I dunno as I
+    keered about making a more pro-tracted visit. Went right
+    through to Vi-enna, saw round Vi-enna. I did want, being so
+    near, to just waltz into Turkey and see that. But I guess
+    Turkey'll have to keep till next time. Then back again into
+    Switzerland, for I do seem to have kinder taken a fancy to
+    Switzerland. I'd like to have put in more time there, and we
+    stayed best part of a week too! But Italy's an interesting
+    place. Yes, I'm getting considerable interested in Italy, so
+    far as I've got. There's Geneva now&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> You do beat anything for mixing up places,
+    Father. And you don't want to be letting yourself loose on Mr.
+    CULCHARD this way. You'd better go and bring Mr. VAN BOODELER
+    along; he's round somewhere.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. T.</i> I do like slinging off when I meet a friend;
+    but I'll shut down, MAUD, I'll shut down.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> Oh, there you are, CHARLEY! Come right here,
+    and be introduced to Mr. CULCHARD. He's a vurry intelligent
+    man. My cousin, Mr. CHARLES VAN BOODELER,&mdash;Mr. CULCHARD.
+    Mr. VAN BOODELER's intelligent too. He's going to write our
+    great National Amurrcan novel, soon as ever he has time for it.
+    That's so, isn't it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. V.B.</i> (<i>a slim, pale young man, with a
+    cosmopolitan air and a languid drawl</i>). It's our most
+    pressing national need, Sir, and I have long cherished the
+    intention of supplying it. I am collecting material, and, when
+    the psychological moment arrives, I shall write that novel. And
+    I believe it will be a big thing, a very big thing; I mean to
+    make it a complete compendium of every phase of our great and
+    complicated civilisation from State to State and from shore to
+    shore. [CULCHARD <i>bows vaguely.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> Yes, and the great Amurrcan public are going
+    to rise up in their millions and boom it. Only I don't believe
+    they'd better start booming just yet, till there's something
+    more than covers to that novel. And how you're going to collect
+    material for an Amurrcan novel, flying round Europe, just beats
+    <i>me</i>!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. V.B.</i> (<i>with superiority</i>). Because you don't
+    realise that it's precisely in Europe that I find my best
+    American types. Our citizens show up better against a European
+    background,&mdash;it excites and stimulates their nationality,
+    so to speak. And again, with a big subject like mine, you want
+    to step back to get the proper focus. Now I'm <i>stepping</i>
+    back.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> I guess it's more like skipping, CHARLEY. But
+    so long as you're having a good time! And here's Mr. CULCHARD
+    will fix <span class="pagenum"><a name="page221"
+       id="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span> you up some sonnets for
+       headings to the chapters. You needn't begin <i>right</i>
+       away, Mr. CULCHARD; I guess there's no hurry. But we get
+       talking and <i>talking</i>, and never look at anything. I
+       don't call it encouraging the scenery, and that's a
+       fact!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>later, to</i> CULCHARD). And you're pretty
+    comfortable at your hotel? Well, I dunno, after all, what there
+    is to keep <i>us</i> here. I guess we'll go down again and stop
+    at Lugano, eh, MAUD?</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[CULCHARD <i>eagerly awaits her reply.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> I declare! After bringing all my trunks way
+    up here! But I'd just as soon move down as not; they're not
+    unpacked any. (<i>Joy of</i> C.) Seems a pity, too, after
+    engaging rooms here. And they looked real nice. Mr. CULCHARD,
+    don't you and Mr. PODBURY want to come up here and take them?
+    They've a perfectly splendid view, and then we could have
+    yours, you know! (C. <i>cannot conceal his chagrin at this
+    suggestion.</i>) Well, see here, Poppa, we'll go along and try
+    if we can't square the hotel-clerk and get our baggage on the
+    cars again, and then we'll see just how we feel about it. I'm
+    perfectly indifferent either way.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself, as he follows</i>). Can she be
+    really as indifferent as she seems? I'm afraid she has very
+    little heart! But if only she can be induced to go back to
+    Lugano ... She will be at the same hotel&mdash;a great point! I
+    wish that fellow VAN BOODELER wasn't coming too, though ... Not
+    that they've settled to come at all yet!... Still, I fancy she
+    likes the idea ... She'll come&mdash;if I don't appear too
+    anxious about it! [<i>He walks on, trying to whistle
+    carelessly.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WAR IN A FOG.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Record of the Next Campaign of the Coming
+    Moltke.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>Our Army was now advancing in good order. We had the "A"
+    Division of the enemy on our right, and the "B" Division on our
+    left, but of course we had lost sight of Division "C." It was
+    the morning after we had taken the fortress that had
+    unexpectedly appeared before us on our right front, and had
+    found ourselves to our surprise by the side of a river. The
+    Chief of my Staff entered my tent whilst I was engaged in
+    studying a map not very successfully.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/221-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"General," said he, "military music can be heard in the
+    distance, from which I take it it must be the other part of our
+    Army." "This is most fortunate," I replied; "but are they
+    supposed to be in this part of the country? I fancied they were
+    besieging the enemy's metropolis.</p>
+
+    <p>"So it was reported," returned my subordinate; "but it
+    appears that, taking the first turning to the right, instead of
+    the second to the left, they lost their way, and instead of
+    capturing the capital, surrounded a harbour, in which, to their
+    astonishment, they found his fleet."</p>
+
+    <p>"I suppose that the movements of Division 'C' are shrouded
+    in mystery?"</p>
+
+    <p>"They are," returned the Chief of the Staff, saluting. "It
+    is presumed that the commander is wandering somewhere near the
+    frontier. A spy from his Army says that he had entirely lost
+    touch of the country, and was continually asking his way. But
+    how about our friends, the remainder of our Army, who are now
+    approaching towards us? What shall we do?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Give them a fitting reception," was my reply.</p>
+
+    <p>In a moment our Army halted and pitched their tents.
+    Accustomed to State functions of every sort and description, it
+    was no difficult matter to them to decorate the line of march
+    appropriately. Suddenly there was the sound of firing, and five
+    minutes later an officer wearing the uniform of the enemy
+    entered my tent and surrendered his sword.</p>
+
+    <p>"General," said he, "I yield to your superior knowledge of
+    military tactics. I had expected to find friends, and now I
+    have come across foes. And you number more than half a million
+    of men, do you not?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, no; you may mean my brother commander, who has that
+    force under his orders. But we have only about twenty
+    thousand."</p>
+
+    <p>"And I have given up my arms for nothing," said my
+    visitor.</p>
+
+    <p>"To whom have I the honour of speaking?" I asked, haughtily.
+    "I presume, the Captain of the 'A' Division?"</p>
+
+    <p>"The 'A' Division! Why, they are miles away! and so are the
+    'B' Division."</p>
+
+    <p>"Then, who on earth are you?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, surely you know we are the 'C' Division?"</p>
+
+    <p>At this moment the Chief of my Staff again appeared. "Sir,"
+    said he, "are we to advance or retire? I must know at once,
+    with a view to arranging satisfactorily the requirements of the
+    Commissariat."</p>
+
+    <p>"One moment, Gentlemen," I replied, and then entered an
+    inner recess. I searched my pockets, and finding my tossing
+    half-crown, spun it into the air. I eagerly ascertained the
+    result.</p>
+
+    <p>"We will advance, Sir," said I to the Chief of the Staff on
+    my return. And my tone suggested both strong determination and
+    peremptory command.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LULLABY OF AN INFANT SPECULATOR.</h2>
+
+    <h3>1891.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A long way after Sir Walter Scott.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[Packets called "Lucky Sweets," in which the bait is the
+        chance of "prize gifts," are having a large sale amongst
+        children.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/221-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-2.png"
+             alt="An infant speculator." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, hush thee, my babie! thy sire is a
+            "bear,"<a id="footnotetag1"
+               name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p>
+
+            <p>Thy mother a "booky," both leary and fair,</p>
+
+            <p>And the spirit of bold Speculation, I see,</p>
+
+            <p>Heredity's taint hath stirred early in thee.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one! Heigh! dance,
+            babie, dance!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the
+            off-chance!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, hear not thy rattle, though loudly it goes;</p>
+
+            <p>Oh, suck not thy fingers! Oh, count not thy
+            toes!</p>
+
+            <p>The "Last Odds" and "Share List" to thee shall be
+            read</p>
+
+            <p>To-night ere thou'rt cosily tucked up in bed.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, hush thee, my babie! Thy sire will soon
+            come,</p>
+
+            <p>With "Surprise Packets" for thee. Oh, ain't it
+            yum-yum?</p>
+
+            <p>And "Lucky Sweets," babie, will catch thine off
+            eye.</p>
+
+            <p>Not "Hush-a-bye, babie!" but rather, "Buy! Buy!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My lullaby, babie, 's not that of old nurse;</p>
+
+            <p>The pillow for thee has less charms than the
+            purse;</p>
+
+            <p>It is not that "Sweets" from those packets you'd
+            suck;</p>
+
+            <p>No, babie, your yearning's to try your young
+            luck.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You eagerly buy them, the "Prizes" to seek</p>
+
+            <p>(You "blued" two-and-tenpence, my babie, last
+            week),</p>
+
+            <p>Those "Lucky Sweets," babie, are babydom's
+            "play."</p>
+
+            <p>But as for the sweets, why you chuck <i>them</i>
+            away!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, princes may "punt," babie; nobles may
+            "plunge,"</p>
+
+            <p>But, babie, that chubby fist's cynical lunge</p>
+
+            <p>Means craving for nothing that babyhood
+            <i>eats</i>:</p>
+
+            <p>No, babie, you'd fain do a "flutter" in sweets.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The tuck-shops, my babie, are well up to date;</p>
+
+            <p>They know Speculation now rules the whole State;</p>
+
+            <p>It sways all the classes, all ages, each sex;</p>
+
+            <p>So now we're provided with "Nursery Specs."</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Shall Court, Camp and Counter all yield to the
+            spell</p>
+
+            <p>And Cradledom not be considered as well?</p>
+
+            <p>Shall betting fire Oxford, and gambling witch
+            Girton,</p>
+
+            <p>And Infancy not put its own little shirt on?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one, bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, hush thee, my babie! the time will soon come</p>
+
+            <p>When at Baccarat boards you'll sit sucking your
+            thumb.</p>
+
+            <p>Meanwhile "Lucky Sweets," babie, buy while you
+            may,</p>
+
+            <p>They will teach simple childhood the charms of high
+            play.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one, bar one! Heigh! dance,
+            babie, dance!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the
+            off-chance!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote1"
+                    name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b>
+                    <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a>
+
+        <p>In the Stock Exchange sense, of course.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page222"
+       id="page222"></a>[pg 222]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/222.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/222.png"
+             alt="A DOMESTIC DIAGNOSIS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A DOMESTIC DIAGNOSIS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>who has come with his Wife to call on
+        the new Neighbours</i>). "WONDER IF THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED
+        LONG, HYPATIA?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. Jones.</i> "OH NO. EVIDENTLY NEWLY-MARRIED."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Jones.</i> "HOW CAN YOU TELL?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. Jones.</i> "DRAWING-ROOM SMELLS OF
+        TOBACCO-SMOKE!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>An Old-fashioned Apologue with a Modern
+    Application.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>GRANDOLH and ARTHUR were two young Apprentices, bound
+    betimes to the ingenious and estimable Art or Craft of
+    <i>Cabinet-Making</i>. Both of them were youths of a Sprightly
+    Genius, and of an Alert Apprehension, attended, in the case of
+    GRANDOLPH, with a mighty heat and ebullition of Fancy, which
+    led early to a certain frothiness or ventosity in speech.
+    ARTHUR, on the other hand, though possessed of excellent Parts,
+    appeared to be of a more phlegmatic temperament, and took on a
+    more languorous, not to say saturnine demeanour.</p>
+
+    <p>So it came about that for the time GRANDOLPH seemed to carry
+    it over his fellow Apprentice, who indeed, amongst superficial
+    observers, incurred the reproach of indolence and lackadaisical
+    indifference, and although both were of creditable repute in
+    the <i>Craft</i>, yet did GRANDOLPH shine the more prominently
+    and give the greater promise of pre-eminence, ARTHUR seeming
+    content, as men say, to <i>play second fiddle</i> to the more
+    pushing Performer.</p>
+
+    <p>'Tis, however, within the purview of the Wise and the common
+    observation of the Judicious, that <i>things are not always as
+    they seem!</i></p>
+
+    <p>GRANDOLPH, at an early epoch in his Apprenticeship, did
+    found a sort of Comradeny or Free Company, which, from the
+    number of its constituent items, came to be intituled <i>The
+    Fourth Party</i>, in the which ARTHUR modestly took subordinate
+    place, with unobtrusive ease and languid resignation. This
+    Party did push matters in the <i>Craft</i> with a high hand and
+    a talkative tongue. For as the ingenious Earl of SHAFTESBURY
+    saith in his <i>Soliloquy</i>, "Company is an extreme
+    provocative to Fancy, and, like a hot bed in gardening, is apt
+    to make our Imaginations sprout too fast."</p>
+
+    <p>That GRANDOLPH was obnoxious to this charge of "sprouting
+    too fast" may seem made manifest by the sequel. He indeed
+    pushed himself into the front place by dint of copious
+    verbosity, and militant oppugnancy. But (as the same
+    SHAFTESBURY saith) where, instead of Controul, Debate, or
+    Argument, the chief exercise of the wit consists in
+    uncontroulable Harangues and Reasonings, which must neither be
+    questioned nor contradicted; there is great danger lest the
+    Party, thro' this habit, shou'd suffer much by Cruditys,
+    Indigestions, Choler, bile, and particularly by a certain
+    <i>tumour</i>, or <i>flatulency</i>, which renders him, of all
+    men, the least liable to apply the wholesome <i>regimen</i> of
+    self-practice. 'Tis no wonder if such quaint practitioners grow
+    to an enormous size of Absurdity, whilst they continue the
+    reverse of that practice, by which alone we correct the
+    Redundancy of Humours, and chasten the exuberance of Conceit
+    and Fancy.</p>
+
+    <p>Whether this particular "quaint practitioner" (our Idle
+    Apprentice, GRANDOLPH) plagued "the Party" too much with his
+    "Cruditys, Choler," &amp;c., or whether he found himself unable
+    to correct his own "Redundancy of Humours," certain it is that,
+    at the very Pinnacle of Promise, and Height of Achievement,
+    GRANDOLPH broke his indentures of Apprenticeship, and <i>ran
+    away!</i></p>
+
+    <p>And now, indeed, came the Opportunity of the true
+    Industrious Apprentice, the hitherto calm and languid-looking,
+    but, in verity, valorous, and vigilant, and virile ARTHTUR.
+    Whereof, to be sure, he made abundant use, burgeoning forth
+    into full blossom with astonishing suddenness, seizing
+    Opportunity by the forelock with manly promptitude, and gaining
+    golden opinions from all sorts of people; so that, after brief
+    probation, he slipped, by general acclaim, into that very
+    premier place so strangely, suddenly, and intempestively
+    abdicated by the Idle Apprentice, GRANDOLPH.</p>
+
+    <p>Concerning the latter, the latest reports are not
+    reassuring. Like his celebrated prototype of fable, the
+    ill-fated "Don't Care," he runneth a chance of being "devoured
+    by lions"! At least he appears to have sought the company of
+    those parlous beasts in their <i>native Afric wilds</i>. We
+    hear that "the lions kept him tucked up one night," which same
+    news (&mdash;gathered from a diurnal intituled the Johannesberg
+    <i>Star</i>&mdash;) hath a fearsome and ill-boding sound. That
+    he is&mdash;for the time at least&mdash;in every sense "tucked
+    up," is only too obviously true. Peradventure he may yet think
+    the better of it, correct his Frothy Distemper and Vagrant
+    Disposition, and (as the agonising advertisements have it)
+    return to his friends that all may be forgiven and much
+    forgotten!</p>
+
+    <p>But the last accounts of him picture him as lying languidly
+    asprawl <span class="pagenum"><a name="page223"
+       id="page223"></a>[pg 223]</span> upon a Mausoleum in
+       Mashonaland, <i>playing dice with himself!</i> The tomb
+       would indeed appear to be, in the sombre words of the
+       Mystick Poet:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"The vault of his lost Ulalume,"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>the runic-sounding word, "Ulalume," being taken perchance as
+    the African synonym for "Reputation." Whether the cheering word
+    <i>Resurgam</i> will ever be appropriate to <i>that</i> Tomb
+    remaineth to be seen. But it would appear only too plain that
+    GRANDOLPH (in the words of the aforesaid SHAFTESBURY) "hath
+    been a great frequenter of the woods and river-banks, where he
+    hath consum'd abundance of his breath, suffer'd his Fancy to
+    evaporate, and reduc'd the vehemence both of his Spirit and
+    Voice." In short, that the erst ambitious and aspiring
+    GRANDOLPH is still content, for the time at least, to play the
+    part of <i>The Idle Apprentice</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/223.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/223.png"
+             alt="THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE.</h3>(<i>A long
+        way after Hogarth.</i>)
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page225"
+       id="page225"></a>[pg 225]</span>
+
+    <h2>"WHYS"&mdash;WISE AND OTHERWISE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Being Queer Queries.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:17%;">
+        <a href="images/225-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/225-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I wonder why, whene'er a four-</p>
+
+            <p>Wheeler advances to a door,</p>
+
+            <p>(A common thing on Britain's shore,)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder why,</p>
+
+            <p>At once some aged man will stand</p>
+
+            <p>And stare until its inmates land,</p>
+
+            <p>As if enchained by something grand,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or weird, or high.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I wonder why the powers that mend</p>
+
+            <p>The streets should root them up, and rend</p>
+
+            <p>The roads with giant pipes on end</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And bricks awry,</p>
+
+            <p>Just when we turn to town again;</p>
+
+            <p>Though nothing stirred while West Cockayne</p>
+
+            <p>Lay waste&mdash;a huge, deserted lane&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder why.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I wonder why athwart the Row</p>
+
+            <p>Stray loafers linger, loth to go</p>
+
+            <p>Past the mid-crossing, and are so</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Resolved to die,</p>
+
+            <p>Hoping that, as you gallop near</p>
+
+            <p>You'll maul them by your mad career&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder why.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I wonder why, when theatre Stalls,</p>
+
+            <p>Are "papered" by Professionals,</p>
+
+            <p>And children arch in Thespis' halls</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Their gambols ply,</p>
+
+            <p>Why the Box-office has the face</p>
+
+            <p>To offer <i>me</i>, who book place&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>A Stall that would the Pit disgrace,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder why.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I wonder why, whenever pressed</p>
+
+            <p>A little money to invest</p>
+
+            <p>In something which is quite the best</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Affair to buy,</p>
+
+            <p>I <i>always</i> read next morning that</p>
+
+            <p>Not <i>I</i>, but it (in parlance pat</p>
+
+            <p>Of City articles) was "Flat,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder why.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Contribution towards Nursery Rhymes.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>For Use of Infant Students in New School of Dramatic
+    Art.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis the voice of the Prompter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I hear him quite plain;</p>
+
+            <p>He has prompted me twice,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Let him prompt me again.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE PRETTY SIMPLETON.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[The <i>Spectator</i> warns men against marrying
+        simpletons, pointing out that "there is no bore on earth
+        equal to the woman who can neither talk nor listen, and who
+        has no mental interests in common with her husband."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/225-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/225-2.png"
+             alt="The Pretty Simpleton." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When fair BELINDA sweetly smiles,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And airily before you trips,</p>
+
+            <p>You're captured by her artless wiles,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And must admire her rosy lips.</p>
+
+            <p>You know that she is very fair,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You see that she has splendid eyes;</p>
+
+            <p>But ah, rash lover, have a care,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And find out if BELINDA's wise.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For beauty, trust us, is not all</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A wife in these days should possess;</p>
+
+            <p>Her conversation's apt to pall,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If she can talk of naught but dress.</p>
+
+            <p>She need not be too deeply read,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You do not want a priggish bride;</p>
+
+            <p>But still take care the pretty head</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Can boast some little brain inside.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In courtship all she said was sweet,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For you had died to win a glance;</p>
+
+            <p>Her little platitudes seemed neat,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Breathed 'mid the pauses of the
+            dance.</p>
+
+            <p>You would have felt a heartless fiend</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To criticise, when by her side;</p>
+
+            <p>Nor would the lady have demeaned</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Herself to answer, had you tried.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But when you've won her for a wife,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And ante-nuptial glamour dies,</p>
+
+            <p>What food for matrimonial strife</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her crass inconsequent replies.</p>
+
+            <p>How terrible to find her dense,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And never grasping what you mean;</p>
+
+            <p>You'll think one gleam of common sense</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Worth more than finest eyes e'er
+            seen.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Days come when love no longer gives</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Illusions as in hours of yore;</p>
+
+            <p>And hapless is the man who lives</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To find his wife become a bore.</p>
+
+            <p>Then keep, if you'd avoid that day,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The wise <i>Spectator's</i> golden
+            rule:</p>
+
+            <p>Don't be by beauty led away,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And choose for wife a pretty fool.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>In the <i>Times'</i> book advertisement column, the S.P.C.K.
+    announces the following new publication:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>THE OUSE. By the Rev. A.J. FOSTER, M.A.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This, we suppose, is the first of a new unaspirated ARRY
+    SERIES. The next Volume being <i>The Ome</i>, and, after that,
+    <i>Books of Ighgate, Amsted, Olloway, and other Ills</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/225-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/225-3.png"
+             alt="The Baron de Book-Worms." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The Baron recognises, with pleasure, the actuality of the
+    dramatic scenes <i>In Cambridge Courts</i>, by Mr. LEHMANN. The
+    dialogues during rehearsal at the A.D.C., and of the Classic
+    Play, are about the best of the many best things in the book.
+    Mightily disappointed is the Baron with Mr. J.H. SHORTHOUSE's
+    <i>Lady Falaise</i>, which, beginning so strongly, ends so
+    feebly. Powerful it promised to be; exciting it promised to be;
+    but weak it becomes, and, now and again, wearisome. Sorry for
+    this is</p>
+
+    <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>QUERIES FOR CANDIDATES (L.C.C.)</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>What they may come to.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>As the County Council now has power over the Tramways of
+    London, will you pledge yourself to see that smoking carriages,
+    comfortable cushions, waiting-rooms at street-corners, and
+    constant civility, are provided for passengers?</p>
+
+    <p>Will you abolish the irritating and nefarious Ticket
+    System?</p>
+
+    <p>How long do you think it will be before the electric light
+    is universally established in the cars?</p>
+
+    <p>What is your view as to the provision of suitable places for
+    wet umbrellas?</p>
+
+    <p>Will you at once vote for "Free or Assisted Locomotion"?</p>
+
+    <p>If a wheel of your private carriage comes off owing to
+    skidding in the Tramway line, will you pledge yourself not to
+    bring any claim for compensation against the Rates?</p>
+
+    <p>Will you vote for the summary dismissal of any Conductor who
+    proceeds to count the passengers after being informed that he
+    is "full inside"?</p>
+
+    <p>Is it a fact that you have promised to introduce "Pullman
+    Palace Restaurant Cars, with free lunches," on the Tram-lines?
+    If so, do you contemplate providing the cost out of your own
+    resources, or how?</p>
+
+    <p>You state in your Address to the Electors that you "are
+    desirous of reducing the hours of Tram <i>employés</i> to four
+    a day, with two months' holiday in the year, and of giving a
+    general rise of wages up to about £2 extra per week." Will you
+    kindly say how you reconcile this desire with your expressed
+    intention to "run the concern on the most economical plan, so
+    as to save the pockets of the Ratepayers"?</p>
+
+    <p>It is reported that you have pledged yourself, if elected,
+    to see that the Tram Conductors "get their Saturday to Monday
+    at Brighton as a regular thing." How do you propose to carry
+    out this part of your programme?</p>
+
+    <p>Do you consider yourself justified, in face of the above
+    statements, in characterising the rival Candidate for the
+    Council as "attempting to catch the Labour Vote by an impudent
+    combination of insincere flattery, and fraudulent
+    promises"?</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page226"
+       id="page226"></a>[pg 226]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/226.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/226.png"
+             alt="MR. PUNCH ON TOUR. A REMINISCENCE OF THE RYDE SEASON." />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>MR. PUNCH ON TOUR. A REMINISCENCE OF THE RYDE
+        SEASON.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page227"
+       id="page227"></a>[pg 227]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/227.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/227.png"
+             alt="A RECOMMENDATION." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A RECOMMENDATION.</h3><i>Dealer</i>. "NOW THERE'S
+        HACTION FOR YOU, SIR! PUTS HER FEET DOWN AS IF SHE WAS A
+        STEPPIN' ON HEGGSHELLS, DON'T SHE, SIR?"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"BELOW THE BELT!"</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Extracts from the Political "Fistiana" of the
+    Period.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h4>I.&mdash;<i>By the "Brummagem Bantam" (as reported in the
+    "Injudicious Bottleholder").</i></h4>
+
+    <p>"The 'Arwarden Old 'Un, Gemmen? Lor bless yer, <i>he</i>
+    ain't no account, nohow. Can't 'it a 'ole in a pound o' butter,
+    <i>'e</i> can't. Allus <i>was</i> a muff and a muddler;
+    middling showy style, and a bit dodgy with his dooks, but
+    neither a slogger <i>nor</i> a stayer, and, atween you and me
+    and the post, allus ready to hist the white feather when 'ard
+    pressed. Wot's that you say? <i>His</i> 'Travelling Company'? A
+    reglar swindle, and a fair frost, Gemmen. Went 'round the
+    country' on false purtences, and never did no good nowheres.
+    Awful poor lot o' Pugs, <i>that</i> gang. Not in it with the
+    ''Atfield Combination Troupe,' as <i>can</i> fight a bit, and
+    'as some smart scrappers in it. No, Gemmen, the 'Old 'Un'
+    <i>allus were</i> a fraud. Couldn't stand up to a Froggy,
+    <i>'e</i> couldn't. His Company muddled the 'ole bag o' tricks,
+    and made a hawful mess of it. Ah, and <i>would</i> agen, mark
+    yer, if they got the chance. Should a'most like to see 'em
+    <i>'ave</i> another shy, if only for the bloomin' fun o' the
+    thing; but it 'ud be a bit too expensive, and bring discredit
+    on our Noble Hart, besides."</p>
+
+    <p>(<i>Comments of the I.B.H. "Brayco, Brummagem Bantam! His
+    style of hitting is straight and smart, in the ring or out of
+    it. Hope the over-rated Hawardian Old 'Un and his Company
+    relish the pepper young JOE has administered to the shifty
+    Veteran and his parasitic 'Items'!"</i>)</p>
+
+    <h4>II.&mdash;<i>From the "Newcastle Nobbler," alias "Honest
+    JOHN."</i></h4>
+
+    <p>"Werry much surprised to see as that windictive Bounder, the
+    'Brummagem Bantam,' has bin a letting out wicious like at his
+    old pals, the 'Arwarden Old 'Un and his Pugilistic Company.
+    '<i>They</i> was muffs and muddlers,' he sez. Well, he ought to
+    ha' said 'we,' considerin' as <i>he wos one on 'em</i>!!! The
+    Old 'Un was his first patron, and me and other members of the
+    Company his pertikler pals, and <i>then</i> he used for to
+    crack us all up sky-high. <i>Now</i> he rounds on us for
+    'making a mess of it.' Well, praps if <i>all</i> wos
+    knowed&mdash;but no matter! Only, to quarrel with your old
+    pals, and then go about a-sneerin' and a-jeerin' at them for
+    wot you yerself wos a party to, <i>I</i> call 'hitting below
+    the belt'"!</p>
+
+    <p>(<i>Comments of the I.B.H. "Bosh! 'Honest JOHN' is a shrew,
+    and not a Practical Pug. Is one prizefighter never to criticise
+    another's style because he's once been in the same Company with
+    him? Might as well say he must therefore never improve his own
+    style. Besides, any stick is good enough to beat the Grand Old
+    Pug-dog with!"</i>)</p>
+
+    <h4>III.&mdash;<i>Rejoinder of the "Brummagem Bantam."</i></h4>
+
+    <p>"'Itting below the belt be jolly well blowed! Honest JOHN
+    don't believe a word 'e sez&mdash;it's ony his narsty spite.
+    Makes hisself the wiaduck for the 'Arwarden Gang's witrol and
+    winegar, <i>e</i>' do. In course I wos one o' the Old 'Un's
+    Company, wus luck! But I've larned a bit since then. Wot do
+    <i>you</i> think? When I larruped my old pals, and called 'em
+    mugs, messers, and muddlers, in corse I included myself,
+    tacit-like. <i>But there was no call for to say so!</i> As to
+    not showing of 'em up acos I wos one of
+    'em&mdash;Wal<i>ker</i>!!! If <i>that's</i> the Newcastle
+    Nobbler's 'theory' of fair-play, 'e may jest go 'ome and eat
+    coke!"</p>
+
+    <p>(<i>Comments of the I.B.H. "The B.B. is quite right. If a
+    Pug may not round on his old pals for doing what he helped them
+    to do, it follows that he himself must never try to do better.
+    Which is absurd! Go it, JOE!"</i>)</p>
+
+    <h4>IV.&mdash;<i>Surrejoinder from "Honest JOHN."</i></h4>
+
+    <p>"My 'theory' ain't a bit wot the B.B. says it is. My
+    'theory' is that it's mean, and unfair, and unperfessional to
+    curry favour with one's present backers by 'olding hup one's
+    old pals to public redicule for doing wot we 'elped 'em to do,
+    and at the time praised 'em <i>for</i> doin'. I call that
+    'hitting below the belt!' And I believe every 'onest and manly
+    Pug from FIGG to SAYERS would ha' said ditter to ''Onest JOHN.'
+    That's all, Gemmen!"</p>
+
+    <p>(<i>Comment of the I.B.H. "Bosh! JOE's style of hitting is
+    no doubt uncomfortable&mdash;for the Old 'Un and his pals.
+    THAT'S EXACTLY WHY WE LIKE IT! What's the use of hitting above
+    the belt only when the foe's only vulnerable below it? We
+    rejoice to see the B.B. knocking the sawdust out of the Grand
+    Old Fistic Fetish, and squelching the cant and claptrap out of
+    'Honest JOHN.'"</i>)</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page228"
+       id="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span>
+
+    <h2>STORICULES.</h2>
+
+    <h3>VII.&mdash;GAZEY.</h3>
+
+    <p>"You're the fust pineter whort I've knowed," said JULIA
+    SANBY, demurely. "Father works at a plumber's, but 'e ain't
+    industr'us. 'E ain't a good man. An' mother drinks. Orful!"</p>
+
+    <p>JULIA SANBY had consented, in consideration of money
+    received, to let me make a sketch of her. She was a tall thin
+    child, with a dirty and very intelligent face, great grey eyes,
+    and long reddish hair. She was very bright and talkative; and
+    yet she amazed me by being distinctly sanctimonious. She looked
+    critically round my studio on her entrance.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/228-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/228-1.png"
+             alt="Gazey." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"You ain't got no tex' 'ung up," she remarked,
+    disparagingly. "We 'as two tex' in our kitching. I 'ung 'em up
+    myself. An' father beat me for it. But I didn't keer, 'cos I
+    knew I wos doin' good."</p>
+
+    <p>She pressed her thin lips together, and looked like a
+    mangled martyr.</p>
+
+    <p>"Do you go to Sunday School?" I asked, as I got to work.</p>
+
+    <p>"I goes reggler, an' I'm first in the School, and I knows
+    more colics than any of 'em, excep' teachers. I ain't like
+    GAZEY."</p>
+
+    <p>"Who's GAZEY?"</p>
+
+    <p>"She's a girl what I 'ites. She's a bad girl. We calls 'er
+    GAZEY, 'cos it's short for GEHAZI; but that ain't 'er real
+    nime. She's a liar. She's allus tellin' lies&mdash;seems as if
+    she couldn't storp doin' it." JULIA SANBY sighed sadly.</p>
+
+    <p>"What kind of lies?"</p>
+
+    <p>"She don't tell no lies to get 'erself out of nothin'; 'cos
+    she's so bad that she don't keer whort rows she gets inter. But
+    she tells other sorts. She just sits up on the fence what goes
+    roun' the green, an' mikes up things, an' a lot of the children
+    ain't got no more sense than to sit roun' an' listen to 'er.
+    That just mikes 'er worse. She sits theer, a-tellin' stories,
+    an' sweerin' they're all true. You never 'eard such
+    stories."</p>
+
+    <p>"What are they all about?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Mostly about gran' things an' wunnerful things&mdash;kings,
+    an' carridges, an' angels, an' firewux, an' dreams what she
+    says she's 'ad. An' she'll sweer they're true. My word, it is
+    wicked of 'er! She's allus pretennin' to be things what she
+    ain't, too. One Sat'dy arf'noon she said she was a steam-injun.
+    An' she got 'old of a little boy, BOB COLLINGS, and said 'e was
+    the tender. An' BOB COLLINGS 'ad to foller close be'ind 'er all
+    that arf'noon, else she'd a' nigh killed 'im. 'E got rather
+    tired, because she kept runnin' about, bein' a express an'
+    'avin' cerlishuns. Lawst of all she wived 'er awms about, and
+    mide a kind o' whooshin' noise. 'Now,' she said, 'my biler's
+    bust, an' I'm done for!' So she lay flat on the wet groun', an'
+    the tender went 'ome to 'is tea."</p>
+
+    <p>"What's she like to look at?"</p>
+
+    <p>JULIA SANBY confessed, with apparent reluctance, that GAZEY
+    was very pretty. "She's prettier nor I am, nor any of the other
+    childrun roun' 'ere. She's got golding 'air, an' blue eyes. But
+    I 'ite 'er, 'cos she's so bad, an' 'cos she mikes the other
+    children bad. I don't never listen to none of 'er mike-ups
+    now."</p>
+
+    <p>"Would she let me make a sketch of her?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Dunno. You wouldn't like 'er. She's low in the wye she
+    talks. The new curick don't like 'er. Nobody don't like
+    'er."</p>
+
+    <p>Now, just in this sentence, I fancied that the
+    sanctimoniousness of JULIA SANBY had become mixed with some
+    real feeling. I also reflected on the fact that, although most
+    children are egoists, JULIA SANBY seemed to take more pleasure
+    in talking about GAZEY than in discussing herself. I had
+    distinct suspicions.</p>
+
+    <p>"Could you remember any of GAZEY's stories?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Might, p'raps."</p>
+
+    <p>"Go on, then. Tell me one."</p>
+
+    <p>She began a story, which was obviously an improvisation,
+    with little incidents taken from other stories added to it. It
+    was full of the wildest imaginings. She told it without the
+    least nervousness or embarrassment. Her assumption of
+    demureness and sanctity vanished utterly. She became vivid and
+    dramatic. "An' I'd tike my gorspil oath it's all true," she
+    added, at the conclusion, as if from force of habit.</p>
+
+    <p>"JULIA SANBY," I said, "GAZEY has not got golden hair nor
+    blue eyes, neither is she pretty. <i>You</i> are GAZEY."</p>
+
+    <p>"I swear I ain't. I'm a good girl, and knows my colics;
+    GAZEY's something orful."</p>
+
+    <p>"Very well," I answered, and went on finishing the sketch,
+    as though I took no interest in her. After a few seconds'
+    silence, she added, quite calmly,</p>
+
+    <p>"Owdjer know? I can pretend proper, cawn't I? But I 'adn't
+    never talked about myself as if I was someone else afore. That
+    pickshur ain't much like me."</p>
+
+    <p>"It will be when it's finished. Come to-morrow at the same
+    time."</p>
+
+    <p>"Do you think I'm a liar?"</p>
+
+    <p>"You're either a liar or an artist, but I'm not sure
+    which."</p>
+
+    <p>GAZEY put on her exceedingly frowsy hat. "The new curick
+    needn't a bin so cock-sure about it then. G'mornin'."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE LATEST FROM BOBBY.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>An intercepted Letter.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Schoolhouse, Swishborough.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Thursday.</i></p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/228-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/228-2.png"
+             alt="Bobby." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>DEAREST DARLING MOTHER,</p>
+
+    <p>I was so glad to get the hamper, and it has done me much
+    good, all the fellows were pleased with the cake, and the
+    sardines were first-rate, and the potted stuffs were awfully
+    good. I am sorry you forgot the bottles of acidulated drops,
+    but you can send them in the next hamper as soon as you like.
+    There are only sixty-two days to the holidays&mdash;1688 hours
+    including nights! Isn't that jolly!</p>
+
+    <p>And now, my dear Mother, I want to write most seriously to
+    you upon a matter of great importance. You know I have been
+    doing "Music" as an "extra." Well, it does not agree with me.
+    The fact is, it is an hour every week in my playtime, when the
+    Doctor says it is good for my health that I should be enjoying
+    myself. And "Music" is an extra, like "Sausages for breakfast."
+    And, of course, one has to think of all that. How hard dear
+    Papa works to get his living; and, of course, I oughtn't to
+    waste anything, ought I? Well, I really think I could give up
+    "Music." After all, it's awful rot, and only fit for a pack of
+    girls! So this is the great favour I'm going to ask
+    you&mdash;and mind you say "Yes." May I give up "Music," and
+    take up "Sausages for breakfast" instead?</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Always your most loving Son, BOBBY.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>IF THE FASHION SPREADS.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>Interior of a Fashionable Church. The</i>
+        Incumbent <i>has read the Banns of Marriage between</i>
+        JOHN PLANTAGENET DE SMITH <i>and</i> MARY STUART DE BROWN,
+        <i>and asks the usual question.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Counsel</i> (<i>rising in pew</i>). I beg to object.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Incumbent</i> (<i>surprised, but self-possessed</i>). You
+    will be good enough to communicate with us in the Vestry, at
+    the end of the service,</p>
+
+    <p><i>Counsel</i>. But I prefer to raise my objections at once.
+    I may say, Reverend Sir, that I am here on behalf of Mr. JOHN
+    PLANTAGENET DE SMITH, who is my client. I am instructed by the
+    Messrs. CAPIAS of Bedford Row, and I contend that since the
+    Members of the London County Council have instructed counsel to
+    appear on their behalf at meetings in which they themselves act
+    judicially, the right extends to Places of Public Worship.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Incumbent</i>. Perhaps we might hear you later. If you
+    were kind enough to raise your objections in the Vestry, it
+    would be&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Counsel</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Pardon me, that would
+    scarcely be satisfactory. We do not wish any hole-and-corner
+    agitation. I am instructed by my client to say, that he courts
+    the fullest investigation. Now, the facts are these:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Gives the facts, and ends an eloquent speech with a
+        magnificent peroration.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Incumbent</i>. In consequence of the rather long argument
+    of our dear and learned brother, the customary quarter of an
+    hour's sermon will not be given on this occasion.
+    [<i>Curtain.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>AL FRESCO OPERA.&mdash;<i>Cavalleria Rusticana</i> at the
+    Royal Shaftesbury, and <i>Le Rêve</i> in the Winter (Covent)
+    Garden kept by Ex-Sheriff DRURIOLANUS. "About the latter," says
+    Sir DRURIOLANUS, "some enthusiasts quite <i>rave</i>. See?"
+    (<i>Exit Ex-Sheriff, to note this down for the forthcoming
+    Pantomime.</i>)</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14067 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
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+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14067 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14067)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101,
+November 7, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 7, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 17, 2004 [EBook #14067]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+November 7, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+ONLY FANCY!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We learn by telegraph from Berlin that some uneasiness exists in that
+capital owing to demonstrations made by the photographists and artists
+in plaster-of-Paris, who have been accustomed to reproduce likenesses
+and busts of His Imperial Majesty. They complain that, owing to a
+measure of uncertainty about the EMPEROR's personal appearance from
+day to day, they have large stocks thrown on their hands, and are
+reduced to a condition approaching bankruptcy. The crisis has been
+precipitated by the circumstance that, just when the combined trades,
+recovering from their first disaster, had produced a Christmas stock
+of portraits and busts, showing His Majesty with a beard, he shaved
+it off, and once more they have their goods returned on their hands.
+Prussian 3½ per Cents. have fallen to 83-85.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS read in the _Times_ that Signor LAGO
+had been granted the QUEEN's permission to prefix "Royal" to his opera
+entertainment at the Shaftesbury Theatre, it gave him so great a shock
+that, but for the opportune ("opera-tune," Sir AUGUSTUS jocosely put
+it) arrival of Dr. ROBSON ROUSTEM PASHA, the shock might have had a
+serious effect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On Monday last, at half-past three, the King of SPAIN cut a new tooth,
+His Majesty's seventh acquisition in this class of property. The happy
+event was celebrated by a salute of seventeen guns.
+
+"What's that?" asked His Majesty, awakened by the roar from his
+siesta.
+
+"Sire," said the Field-Marshal commanding the troops, bringing his
+trusty Toledo to the salute, "your Majesty has condescended to cut a
+tooth."
+
+"That's all very well to begin with," said the King; "but, when I grow
+a little older, I mean to cut a dash."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Previous to the appointment of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR, much speculation
+was indulged in as to the succession to the Leadership of the House of
+Commons. In Conservative circles there was an almost universal desire
+to see the place filled by a noble Baron well-known for the assiduity
+with which he arrives in town to transact business in Bouverie Street,
+returning to his country seat the same evening.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+During the interval after it had been made known that the Leadership
+of the House of Commons had been offered to Mr. BALFOUR, and whilst
+his decision was anxiously awaited, Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT was asked
+whether he thought the Chief Secretary would take the place.
+
+"Who can say, TOBY _mio_?" answered the Squire, stroking his chin,
+with a far-away glance. "The situation reminds me of an incident that
+came under my notice when I represented Oxford borough. One of my
+constituents, a worthy pastor, had had a call to another and much
+wealthier church. He asked for time to consider the proposal. One
+afternoon, a fortnight later, I met his son in High Street, and
+inquired whether his father had decided to take the new place. 'Well,'
+said the youngster, 'Pa is still praying for light, but most of the
+things are packed.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We understand that an innovation will be introduced at Guildhall on
+the occasion of the Lord MAYOR's dinner. The Lord MAYOR elect being
+a Welshman, intends to substitute the leek for the loving cup. At
+the stage of the festival where the loving cup usually goes round, a
+dish of leeks will be passed along, and every guest will be expected
+publicly to eat one. This will necessitate an alteration in the
+time-honoured formula of the Toastmaster. On the 9th of November it
+will run: "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Right Hon. the Lord
+MAYOR pledges you with a loving leek, and bids you HALL a 'arty
+welcome."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.
+
+(_BY CROESUS._)
+
+    [_Mr. Punch_ has decided that it is absolutely necessary
+    for him to publish every week a financial article. The best
+    treatises on Political Economy lay it down as an axiom
+    that, where the desire for acquisition is universal, and the
+    standard of value absolute, a balance between gain and loss
+    can only be reached by the mathematical adjustment of _meum_
+    and _tuum_. Acting upon this principle, _Mr. Punch_ has, in
+    the interests of everybody, retained the services of one of
+    the most, if not _the_ most, eminent contemporary financiers,
+    whom modesty alone prevents from signing his own name to his
+    benevolent and comprehensive articles. Those, however, who
+    care to look beneath the surface, will have no difficulty
+    in determining the identity of one of the greatest modern
+    monetary authorities, a man whose nod has before this
+    shattered prosperous empires, and whose word is even better
+    than his bond, could such a thing be possible. _Mr. Punch_ has
+    only one thing to say to those who desire to be rich. It is
+    this. Follow implicitly the advice of CROESUS.]
+
+SIR,--You have asked me to devote some of my spare time to the
+enlightenment of your readers on matters connected with the
+money-markets of the world. The request is an easy one to make. You
+talk of spare time, as if the man who controlled millions of money,
+and could _at any moment_ put all the Directors of the Bank of England
+in his waistcoat pocket, had absolutely nothing to do except to devote
+himself to the affairs of other people. Such a man has no leisure.
+When he is not engaged in launching loans, or in admitting to an
+audience the Prime Ministers of peoples rightly struggling to free
+themselves from debt by adding largely to their public liabilities,
+when, I say, he is not thusly or otherwisely engaged, his mind must
+still busy itself with the details of all the immense concerns over
+which he, more or less, presides. However, I am willing to make an
+exception in your case, and to impart to you the ripe fruits of an
+experience which has no parallel in any country of the habitable
+globe. Without, therefore, cutting any more time to waste, I begin.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+(1.) _Mines_.--There can be no doubt that in this department a largely
+increased activity may soon be expected. I am aware that in "Shafts"
+there has been a downward tendency; but I am assured by the Secretary
+of the "Dodjâ Plant Co." (19½, 6/8, 54·2½, 7/8), that the prospects
+of this branch of investment were never more brilliant. The latest
+report of the Mining Expert sent out to investigate this mine, runs
+as follows:--
+
+"I have now been three days in the interior of the Dodjâ Plant. I can
+confidently state that I found no water, though there was evidence of
+large deposits of salt, which could be worked at an immense profit.
+The gold is abundant. I have crushed ten tons of quartz _with my own
+hands_, and found the yield in florins extraordinary. The natives
+guard the mouth of the mine. Please relieve promptly. My assistant
+became a Salmi yesterday."
+
+There is some obscurity (intentional, of course) in the last
+few words. I may, therefore, state that a Salmi is one of the
+most important native bankers. The profession is only open to
+millionnaires. I therefore say, emphatically, buy Dodjâs.
+
+(2.) _The Carbon Diamond Fields_.--The latest quotations are 14-5/8 to
+the dozen, with irregular falls. Carbon Prefs. unaltered. Trusts firm.
+This is a good investment for a poor man. In fact there could not be
+a better. No necessity to deal through an ordinary stockbroker. Wire
+"CROESUS, City." That will find me, and by return you shall have
+address of banker, to whom first deposit for cover must be immediately
+paid.
+
+(3.) _Italian Cattivas_ quieter. A Correspondent asks--"What do you
+recommend a man who has laid by £20 to do in order to hold £1,000 at
+the end of a month?" I say at once, Try Cattivas (19-2/5 Def.; Deb.
+Stk. 14--15). Wire "CROESUS, City."
+
+(4.) _South-African Pih Kroost_ short. Gold continues to be in good
+demand. Anybody wishing to make a quick profit out of a small sum,
+such as from two to five sovereigns, wire "CROESUS, City" anytime
+before 12·30. In all cases of telegraphing, the message must be
+"Reply-Paid," or no notice will be taken of the communication.
+Remember "Time is Money." Keep up a good supply of both, and you'll
+live to bless "CROESUS."
+
+_Advice Gratis_.--Make (Brighton) "A," while the sun shines,
+
+Inquiries as to _The Para Docks Company_, and _The Jerrie Myer Bilder
+Company_, I will answer squarely and fairly next week. Don't move in
+these without the straight and direct advice of "CROESUS."
+
+As to the _Turpin, Sheppard, and Abershaw Highways Company_, I shall
+have something to say next week. Investors who want a real good thing,
+just hold your coin in hand for a week, till I say "Go," and then go
+it. This Company will be a big thing, _and, mind you, safe_.
+
+For the present I close the account, to re-open it next week, and, to
+show my good faith, send you my subscription, which you may read here,
+as I subscribe myself, "CROESUS, CITY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Greek: THAE PROTEKTED PHEMALE.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    ["For our part we do not believe in protected studies. Greek
+    came into the Western world, poor and needy, three centuries
+    ago. By her own unaided charms she has won her way. By
+    those charms we believe that she will hold her own against
+    all competitors until literature and civilisation are no
+    more."--_Times_.]
+
+  Protected Greek! Protected Greek!
+    BALFOUR may doubt, the _Times_ demur,
+  And chattering "correspondents" seek
+    Against the goddess strife to stir,
+  But while the Senate rules, you bet,
+  The Goths shan't smash the Grecians yet.
+
+  When Don meets Don injurious fray
+    Then comes in sooth the tug of war;
+  And on this memorable day
+    They gather in from near and far,
+  To whelm the unnatural ones who'd seek
+  To set the "Grace" against the Greek.
+
+  SWETE looks on JEBB and JEBB on BROWNE,
+    And BATESON looks on ROBERTSON SMITH.
+  They cry, "Of WELLDON 'tis ill-done!"
+    But THOMSON is a man of pith,
+  And GRIMTHORPE, that scalp-hunting "Brave"
+  Will tomahawk the "Modern" slave.
+
+  The Proctors sat with serious brow,
+    Within the swarming Senate House,
+  Voters in hundreds swarmed below,
+    Fellows of scholarship and _nous_.
+  They counted votes, and, when 'twas done,
+  _Non-placets_ had it, three to one!
+
+  And where are they, Granta's fell foes,
+    The champions of the Modern side?
+  Five twenty-five emphatic "Noes"
+    Have squelched their schemes, and dashed their pride.
+  Hurroo! for those so prompt to vindicate
+  Compulsory Greek against the Syndicate!
+
+  Thus sang, or would, or could, or should have sung,
+    The modern Greek, in imitative verse;
+  Meanwhile the Goddess, grave, though ever young,
+    Stood, Psyche-like, untempted to rehearse
+  The ragings--angrier ink was seldom slung--
+    Uttered by BYRON in Minerva's Curse.
+  She simply stood, as stately-proud as Pallas,
+  Looking so calm, some might have deemed her callous.
+
+  Amusing sight this game! _Don_ versus _Don_
+    Mixed in a sort of classic Donny brook.
+  A lethal weapon is a Lexicon
+    When rivals make a bludgeon of the book.
+  By her unaided charms the Goddess won
+    Her way. _This_ is the language of her look.
+  (The Laureate's) "Judge thou me by what I am,
+  "So shalt thou find me, fairest"--_sans_ Compulsory Cram!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETWEEN THE ACTS.
+
+    SCENE--_Europe. The Great Powers discovered in Council._
+
+_Russia_. Now, I think I have arranged matters fairly well. I shall
+myself lend a hand to France, and that will keep the balance decently
+level, so far as Germany is concerned.
+
+_Germany_. Will it? I can fight you both!
+
+_Austria_. Now, keep quiet. If we are to be partners, you must not be
+so impulsive.
+
+_Italy_. Just what I say. Why can't he take it calmly!
+
+_Russia_. Well, of course it's not my business; but if you want to
+break up the Triple Alliance, that's the way to do it! Well, then,
+France employed with you boys on the Rhine, I shall move down south,
+and quietly occupy Constantinople. Now, no one could object to that!
+
+_Germany_. Why, I should, and so would Austria, wouldn't you?
+
+_Austria_. Of course. But what could we do, if we were hard at work
+with France?
+
+_Italy_. Yes; and fancy the Mediterranean becoming a Russian lake!
+
+_Russia_. Oh, you would soon grow accustomed to it! Then I should move
+on to Afghanistan, and quietly make my way to India. But all this has
+to be done after the first step is taken. England must scuttle out of
+Egypt.
+
+_England_. Scuttle out of Egypt? Why, certainly! After consideration!
+[_Left considering._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD.
+
+_Young Lady_ (_in Contralto tones of remarkable depth and richness_).
+"HAVE YOU GOT ANY _LOW_ FRENCH SONGS?"
+
+_Music Publisher_ (_indignantly_). "_CERTAINLY_ NOT, MISS! YOU MUST
+TRY SOME OTHER ESTABLISHMENT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON THE COMING SHO.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+What a prowd and appy day dear old Whales is about for to have on the
+werry next Lord Mare's Day, as is cumming, which it's the ninth of nex
+month, which it's nex Monday. Not only is wun of the werry populusest
+of living Welchmen a going for to be made Lord MARE on that werry day,
+but the Prince of WHALES hisself, who was inwited but karnt kum cos
+he's keepin' his hone Jewbilly at ome that appy and horspigious day.
+Praps Madam HADDYLEANER PATTY (wich is quite a Welch name) would kum
+up an give us a treat on this okashun.
+
+Praps my enthewsiasm in the cause of Whales may be xcused when I
+reweals the fack that I am myself arf a Welchman, as my Mother was
+a reel one before me, and so, strange to say, was my Huncle, her
+Brother. There was sum idear of dressing me up as a Bard with a Arp,
+and I was to jine in when the rest on us struck up "_The March of the
+Men of Garlick_," but I prudently declined the temting horffer. I need
+scarcely say that Welch Rabbits will be a werry striking part of the
+Maynoo, being probably substituted for the Barrens of Beef.
+
+I'm told as all the Ministers is a cumming.
+
+BROWN, with his ushal raddicle imperence, says it's becoz they knos
+as it's for the larst time. Yes, much BROWN knos about it, when he sed
+jest the werry same thing larst year! I'm told as Mr. BALFOUR and Mr.
+GOSHEN is to be seated nex to each other, so that they can take the
+Loving Cup together. So that will be all rite. We are going to have a
+splendid Persession--the werry longest and the werry hinterestingest
+of moddern times! So I adwise all my many kyind paytrons and Country
+Cuzzins to "_cum erly_." There's no telling what dredful changes may
+take place in these horful rewolushunary times, and ewen the "Sacred
+Sho" may be stript of sum of its many attrackshuns, or ewen erbolished
+altogether! But that is, of course, only a fearfool wision, begotten,
+as SHAKSPEARE says, of too much supper last nite, "a praying on my
+eat-oppressed Brane!" No, no! There are things as is posserbel, and
+there are things as ain't, and them as ain't done werry often happen.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO GRACES.
+
+    [Miss MAUDE MILLETT was at Cambridge last week, when the
+    Grace of the Senate for an inquiry into the Compulsory Greek
+    question was _placeted_ by a large majority.]
+
+  The tug of war, when Greek met Anti-Greek
+    In deadly feud, was over in a trice.
+  They spoke out promptly, when they had to speak--
+    They would not have the Grace at any price.
+  But undergraduates of every race
+    Flocked to the Theatre, each night to fill it.
+  The Grace THEY _placeted_ was just the Grace
+    Of one fair maiden--pretty Miss MAUDE MILLETT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHILI PICKLE.--The following advertisement is sent us, extracted
+from the _Chilian Times_:--
+
+    CASA QUINTA!--TO LET in Viña del Mar the first story of a
+    comfortable house, with beautiful garden and yard, situated
+    in the finest part of the villa, and consisting of eight rooms,
+    baths, gas, cellar and all other comforts, etc., against rent
+    or board to a matrimony--Apply, &c., &c.
+
+If Chilians can treat English like this, Americans will stand a poor
+chance "_against rent or board to a matrimony_." The terms of the
+lease in Chilian Legal English would probably "afford employment for
+the gentlemen of the long robe."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Observer_ recently warned us that--
+
+    "LOUISA Lady AILESBURY must not be confounded with MARIA
+    Lady AILESBURY, who is the widow of the elder brother of her
+    husband."
+
+There is surely some misapprehension here. Lady "A." did not marry her
+deceased husband's brother, whether "elder" or younger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
+
+NO. XIII.
+
+    SCENE--_A hundred yards or so from the top of Monte Generoso,
+    above Lake Lugano. CULCHARD, who, with a crowd of other
+    excursionists, has made the ascent by rail, is toiling up the
+    steep and very slippery slope to the summit._
+
+_Culchard_ (_to himself, as he stops to pant_). _More_ climbing! I
+thought this line was supposed to go to the top! But that's Italian
+all over--hem--as PODBURY would say! Wonder, by the way, if he
+expected to be asked to come with me. I've no reason for sacrificing
+myself like that any longer! (_He sighs._) Ah, HYPATIA, if you could
+know what a dreary disenchanted blank you have made of my life! And I
+who believed you capable of appreciating such devotion as mine!
+
+_A Voice behind_. My! If I don't know that back I'll just give up!
+How've _you_ been getting along all this time, Mr. CULCHARD?
+
+_Culch._ (_turning_). Miss TROTTER! A most delightful
+and--er--unexpected meeting, indeed!
+
+[Illustration: "Struggling with a long printed Panorama."]
+
+_Miss Trotter_. Well, we came up on the cars in front of yours. We've
+taken rooms at the hotel up here. Poppa reckoned the air would be kind
+of fresher on the top of this mountain, and I don't believe but what
+he's right either. I guess I shall want another hairpin through _my_
+hat. And are you still going around with Mr. PODBURY? As inseparable
+as ever, I presume?
+
+_Culch._ Er--_about_ as inseparable. That is, we are still travelling
+together--only, on this particular afternoon--
+
+_Miss T._ He went and got mislaid? I see. He used to stray
+considerable over in Germany, didn't he? Well, I'm real pleased to see
+_you_ anyway. And how's the poetry been panning out? I hope you've had
+a pretty good yield of sonnets?
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself_). She's really grown distinctly prettier.
+She might show a little more _feeling_, though, considering we were
+almost, if not quite--(_Aloud._) So you remember my poor poems? I'm
+afraid I have not been very--er--prolific of late.
+
+_Miss T._ You don't say! I should think you'd have had one to show for
+every day, with the date to it, like a new-laid egg.
+
+_Culch._ Birds don't lay--er--I mean they don't _sing_, in the dark.
+My light has been--er--lacking of late.
+
+_Miss T._ If that's intended for me, you ought to begin chirping right
+away. But you're not going to tell me you've been "lounjun round en
+sufferin'" like--wasn't it _Uncle Remus's_ Brer Terrapin? (_Catching_
+C.'s _look of bewilderment._) What, don't you know _Uncle Remus_?
+
+_Culch._ (_politely_). Mr. TROTTER is the only relation of yours I
+have had the pleasure of meeting, as yet.
+
+_Miss T._ Why, I reckoned _Uncle Remus_ was pretty most everybody's
+relation by now. He's a book. But likely you've no use for our
+national humorous literature?
+
+_Culch._ I--er--must confess I seldom waste time over the humorous
+literature of _any_ nation.
+
+_Miss T._ I guess that accounts for your gaiety! There, don't you
+mind _me_, Mr. CULCHARD. But suppose we hurry along and inspect this
+panorama they talk so much of; it isn't going to be any sideshow. It's
+just a real representative mass-meeting of Swiss mountains, with every
+prominent peak in the country on the platform, and a deputation down
+below from the leading Italian lakes. It's ever so elegant,--and
+there's Poppa around on the top too.
+
+_ON THE TOP. TOURISTS DISCOVERED MAKING MORE OR LESS APPROPRIATE
+REMARKS._
+
+_First Tourist_ (_struggling with a long printed panorama, which flaps
+like a sail_). Grand view, Sir, get 'em all from here, you see! Monte
+Rosa, Matterhorn, Breithorn--
+
+    [_Works through them all conscientiously, until, much to
+    everybody's relief, his panorama escapes into space._
+
+_Second T._ (_a lady, with the air of a person making a discovery_).
+How wonderfully small everything looks down below!
+
+_Third T._ (_a British Matron, with a talent for incongruity_).
+Yes, dear, very--_quite_ worth coming all this way for, but as I
+was telling you, we've always been accustomed to such an evangelical
+service, so that our new Rector is really _rather_--but we're quite
+_friendly_ of course; go there for tennis, and he dines with us, and
+all that. Still, I _do_ think, when it comes to having lighted candles
+in broad daylight--(&c., &c.)
+
+_Fourth T._ (_an equally incongruous American_). Wa'al, yes, they show
+up well, cert'nly, those peaks do. But I was about to remark. Sir, I
+went to that particular establishment on Fleet Street. I called for
+a chop. And when it came, I don't deny I felt disappointed, for the
+plate all around was just as _dry_--! But the moment I struck a fork
+into that chop, Sir,--well, the way the gravy just came _gushing_ out
+was--there, it ain't no use me trying to put it in words! But from
+that instant, Sir, I kinder realised the peculiar charm of your
+British chop.
+
+_Fifth T._ (_a discontented Teuton_). I exbected more as zis. It is
+nod glear enough--nod at all. Zey dolt me from ze dop you see Milan. I
+look all aroundt. Novere I see Milan! And I lief my obera-glass behint
+me in ze drain, and I slib on ze grass and sbrain my mittle finger,
+and altogedder I do not vish I had com.
+
+_Miss T._ (_presenting CULCHARD to Mr. CYRUS K.T._). I guess you've
+met _this_ gentleman before!
+
+_Mr. T._ Well now, that's _so_. I didn't just reckon I'd meet him
+again all this way above the sea-level though, but I'm just as pleased
+to see him. Rode up on the cars, I presume, Sir? Tolerable hilly road
+all the way, _ain't_ it now? There cann't anybody say we hain' made
+the most of _our_ time since you left us. Took a run over to Berlin;
+had two hours and a haff in that city, and I dunno as I keered about
+making a more pro-tracted visit. Went right through to Vi-enna, saw
+round Vi-enna. I did want, being so near, to just waltz into Turkey
+and see that. But I guess Turkey'll have to keep till next time. Then
+back again into Switzerland, for I do seem to have kinder taken a
+fancy to Switzerland. I'd like to have put in more time there, and
+we stayed best part of a week too! But Italy's an interesting place.
+Yes, I'm getting considerable interested in Italy, so far as I've got.
+There's Geneva now--
+
+_Miss T._ You do beat anything for mixing up places, Father. And
+you don't want to be letting yourself loose on Mr. CULCHARD this
+way. You'd better go and bring Mr. VAN BOODELER along; he's round
+somewhere.
+
+_Mr. T._ I do like slinging off when I meet a friend; but I'll shut
+down, MAUD, I'll shut down.
+
+_Miss T._ Oh, there you are, CHARLEY! Come right here, and be
+introduced to Mr. CULCHARD. He's a vurry intelligent man. My
+cousin, Mr. CHARLES VAN BOODELER,--Mr. CULCHARD. Mr. VAN BOODELER's
+intelligent too. He's going to write our great National Amurrcan
+novel, soon as ever he has time for it. That's so, isn't it?
+
+_Mr. V.B._ (_a slim, pale young man, with a cosmopolitan air and a
+languid drawl_). It's our most pressing national need, Sir, and I
+have long cherished the intention of supplying it. I am collecting
+material, and, when the psychological moment arrives, I shall write
+that novel. And I believe it will be a big thing, a very big thing; I
+mean to make it a complete compendium of every phase of our great and
+complicated civilisation from State to State and from shore to shore.
+[CULCHARD _bows vaguely._
+
+_Miss T._ Yes, and the great Amurrcan public are going to rise up in
+their millions and boom it. Only I don't believe they'd better start
+booming just yet, till there's something more than covers to that
+novel. And how you're going to collect material for an Amurrcan novel,
+flying round Europe, just beats _me_!
+
+_Mr. V.B._ (_with superiority_). Because you don't realise that
+it's precisely in Europe that I find my best American types. Our
+citizens show up better against a European background,--it excites
+and stimulates their nationality, so to speak. And again, with a big
+subject like mine, you want to step back to get the proper focus. Now
+I'm _stepping_ back.
+
+_Miss T._ I guess it's more like skipping, CHARLEY. But so long as
+you're having a good time! And here's Mr. CULCHARD will fix you up
+some sonnets for headings to the chapters. You needn't begin _right_
+away, Mr. CULCHARD; I guess there's no hurry. But we get talking and
+_talking_, and never look at anything. I don't call it encouraging the
+scenery, and that's a fact!
+
+_Mr. T._ (_later, to CULCHARD_). And you're pretty comfortable at your
+hotel? Well, I dunno, after all, what there is to keep _us_ here. I
+guess we'll go down again and stop at Lugano, eh, MAUD?
+
+    [_CULCHARD eagerly awaits her reply._
+
+_Miss T._ I declare! After bringing all my trunks way up here! But
+I'd just as soon move down as not; they're not unpacked any. (_Joy of
+C._) Seems a pity, too, after engaging rooms here. And they looked real
+nice. Mr. CULCHARD, don't you and Mr. PODBURY want to come up here and
+take them? They've a perfectly splendid view, and then we could have
+yours, you know! (_C. cannot conceal his chagrin at this suggestion._)
+Well, see here, Poppa, we'll go along and try if we can't square the
+hotel-clerk and get our baggage on the cars again, and then we'll see
+just how we feel about it. I'm perfectly indifferent either way.
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself, as he follows_). Can she be really as
+indifferent as she seems? I'm afraid she has very little heart! But
+if only she can be induced to go back to Lugano ... She will be at
+the same hotel--a great point! I wish that fellow VAN BOODELER wasn't
+coming too, though ... Not that they've settled to come at all yet!...
+Still, I fancy she likes the idea ... She'll come--if I don't appear
+too anxious about it! [_He walks on, trying to whistle carelessly._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR IN A FOG.
+
+(_A RECORD OF THE NEXT CAMPAIGN OF THE COMING MOLTKE._)
+
+Our Army was now advancing in good order. We had the "A" Division
+of the enemy on our right, and the "B" Division on our left, but of
+course we had lost sight of Division "C." It was the morning after we
+had taken the fortress that had unexpectedly appeared before us on our
+right front, and had found ourselves to our surprise by the side of a
+river. The Chief of my Staff entered my tent whilst I was engaged in
+studying a map not very successfully.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"General," said he, "military music can be heard in the distance, from
+which I take it it must be the other part of our Army." "This is most
+fortunate," I replied; "but are they supposed to be in this part of
+the country? I fancied they were besieging the enemy's metropolis.
+
+"So it was reported," returned my subordinate; "but it appears that,
+taking the first turning to the right, instead of the second to the
+left, they lost their way, and instead of capturing the capital,
+surrounded a harbour, in which, to their astonishment, they found his
+fleet."
+
+"I suppose that the movements of Division 'C' are shrouded in
+mystery?"
+
+"They are," returned the Chief of the Staff, saluting. "It is presumed
+that the commander is wandering somewhere near the frontier. A spy
+from his Army says that he had entirely lost touch of the country,
+and was continually asking his way. But how about our friends, the
+remainder of our Army, who are now approaching towards us? What shall
+we do?"
+
+"Give them a fitting reception," was my reply.
+
+In a moment our Army halted and pitched their tents. Accustomed to
+State functions of every sort and description, it was no difficult
+matter to them to decorate the line of march appropriately. Suddenly
+there was the sound of firing, and five minutes later an officer
+wearing the uniform of the enemy entered my tent and surrendered his
+sword.
+
+"General," said he, "I yield to your superior knowledge of military
+tactics. I had expected to find friends, and now I have come across
+foes. And you number more than half a million of men, do you not?"
+
+"Well, no; you may mean my brother commander, who has that force under
+his orders. But we have only about twenty thousand."
+
+"And I have given up my arms for nothing," said my visitor.
+
+"To whom have I the honour of speaking?" I asked, haughtily. "I
+presume, the Captain of the 'A' Division?"
+
+"The 'A' Division! Why, they are miles away! and so are the 'B'
+Division."
+
+"Then, who on earth are you?"
+
+"Why, surely you know we are the 'C' Division?"
+
+At this moment the Chief of my Staff again appeared. "Sir," said he,
+"are we to advance or retire? I must know at once, with a view to
+arranging satisfactorily the requirements of the Commissariat."
+
+"One moment, Gentlemen," I replied, and then entered an inner recess.
+I searched my pockets, and finding my tossing half-crown, spun it into
+the air. I eagerly ascertained the result.
+
+"We will advance, Sir," said I to the Chief of the Staff on my
+return. And my tone suggested both strong determination and peremptory
+command.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LULLABY OF AN INFANT SPECULATOR.
+
+1891.
+
+(_A LONG WAY AFTER SIR WALTER SCOTT._)
+
+    [Packets called "Lucky Sweets," in which the bait is the
+    chance of "prize gifts," are having a large sale amongst
+    children.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, hush thee, my babie! thy sire is a "bear,"[1]
+  Thy mother a "booky," both leary and fair,
+  And the spirit of bold Speculation, I see,
+  Heredity's taint hath stirred early in thee.
+    Oh, two to one bar one! Heigh! dance, babie, dance!
+    Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the off-chance!
+
+  Oh, hear not thy rattle, though loudly it goes;
+  Oh, suck not thy fingers! Oh, count not thy toes!
+  The "Last Odds" and "Share List" to thee shall be read
+  To-night ere thou'rt cosily tucked up in bed.
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  Oh, hush thee, my babie! Thy sire will soon come,
+  With "Surprise Packets" for thee. Oh, ain't it yum-yum?
+  And "Lucky Sweets," babie, will catch thine off eye.
+  Not "Hush-a-bye, babie!" but rather, "Buy! Buy!"
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  My lullaby, babie, 's not that of old nurse;
+  The pillow for thee has less charms than the purse;
+  It is not that "Sweets" from those packets you'd suck;
+  No, babie, your yearning's to try your young luck.
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  You eagerly buy them, the "Prizes" to seek
+  (You "blued" two-and-tenpence, my babie, last week),
+  Those "Lucky Sweets," babie, are babydom's "play."
+  But as for the sweets, why you chuck _them_ away!
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  Oh, princes may "punt," babie; nobles may "plunge,"
+  But, babie, that chubby fist's cynical lunge
+  Means craving for nothing that babyhood _eats_:
+  No, babie, you'd fain do a "flutter" in sweets.
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  The tuck-shops, my babie, are well up to date;
+  They know Speculation now rules the whole State;
+  It sways all the classes, all ages, each sex;
+  So now we're provided with "Nursery Specs."
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  Shall Court, Camp and Counter all yield to the spell
+  And Cradledom not be considered as well?
+  Shall betting fire Oxford, and gambling witch Girton,
+  And Infancy not put its own little shirt on?
+    Oh, two to one, bar one, &c.
+
+  Oh, hush thee, my babie! the time will soon come
+  When at Baccarat boards you'll sit sucking your thumb.
+  Meanwhile "Lucky Sweets," babie, buy while you may,
+  They will teach simple childhood the charms of high play.
+    Oh, two to one, bar one! Heigh! dance, babie, dance!
+    Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the off-chance!
+
+[Footnote 1: In the Stock Exchange sense, of course.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOMESTIC DIAGNOSIS.
+
+_Jones_ (_who has come with his Wife to call on the new Neighbours_).
+"WONDER IF THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED LONG, HYPATIA?"
+
+_Mrs. Jones._ "OH NO. EVIDENTLY NEWLY-MARRIED."
+
+_Jones._ "HOW CAN YOU TELL?"
+
+_Mrs. Jones._ "DRAWING-ROOM SMELLS OF TOBACCO-SMOKE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE.
+
+(_AN OLD-FASHIONED APOLOGUE WITH A MODERN APPLICATION._)
+
+GRANDOLH and ARTHUR were two young Apprentices, bound betimes to the
+ingenious and estimable Art or Craft of _Cabinet-Making_. Both of
+them were youths of a Sprightly Genius, and of an Alert Apprehension,
+attended, in the case of GRANDOLPH, with a mighty heat and ebullition
+of Fancy, which led early to a certain frothiness or ventosity in
+speech. ARTHUR, on the other hand, though possessed of excellent
+Parts, appeared to be of a more phlegmatic temperament, and took on
+a more languorous, not to say saturnine demeanour.
+
+So it came about that for the time GRANDOLPH seemed to carry it over
+his fellow Apprentice, who indeed, amongst superficial observers,
+incurred the reproach of indolence and lackadaisical indifference,
+and although both were of creditable repute in the _Craft_, yet did
+GRANDOLPH shine the more prominently and give the greater promise
+of pre-eminence, ARTHUR seeming content, as men say, to _play second
+fiddle_ to the more pushing Performer.
+
+'Tis, however, within the purview of the Wise and the common
+observation of the Judicious, that _things are not always as they
+seem!_
+
+GRANDOLPH, at an early epoch in his Apprenticeship, did found a
+sort of Comradeny or Free Company, which, from the number of its
+constituent items, came to be intituled _The Fourth Party_, in the
+which ARTHUR modestly took subordinate place, with unobtrusive ease
+and languid resignation. This Party did push matters in the _Craft_
+with a high hand and a talkative tongue. For as the ingenious Earl
+of SHAFTESBURY saith in his _Soliloquy_, "Company is an extreme
+provocative to Fancy, and, like a hot bed in gardening, is apt to
+make our Imaginations sprout too fast."
+
+That GRANDOLPH was obnoxious to this charge of "sprouting too fast"
+may seem made manifest by the sequel. He indeed pushed himself into
+the front place by dint of copious verbosity, and militant oppugnancy.
+But (as the same SHAFTESBURY saith) where, instead of Controul,
+Debate, or Argument, the chief exercise of the wit consists in
+uncontroulable Harangues and Reasonings, which must neither be
+questioned nor contradicted; there is great danger lest the Party,
+thro' this habit, shou'd suffer much by Cruditys, Indigestions,
+Choler, bile, and particularly by a certain _tumour_, or _flatulency_,
+which renders him, of all men, the least liable to apply the
+wholesome _regimen_ of self-practice. 'Tis no wonder if such quaint
+practitioners grow to an enormous size of Absurdity, whilst they
+continue the reverse of that practice, by which alone we correct
+the Redundancy of Humours, and chasten the exuberance of Conceit and
+Fancy.
+
+Whether this particular "quaint practitioner" (our Idle Apprentice,
+GRANDOLPH) plagued "the Party" too much with his "Cruditys, Choler,"
+&c., or whether he found himself unable to correct his own "Redundancy
+of Humours," certain it is that, at the very Pinnacle of Promise,
+and Height of Achievement, GRANDOLPH broke his indentures of
+Apprenticeship, and _ran away!_
+
+And now, indeed, came the Opportunity of the true Industrious
+Apprentice, the hitherto calm and languid-looking, but, in verity,
+valorous, and vigilant, and virile ARTHTUR. Whereof, to be sure,
+he made abundant use, burgeoning forth into full blossom with
+astonishing suddenness, seizing Opportunity by the forelock with manly
+promptitude, and gaining golden opinions from all sorts of people;
+so that, after brief probation, he slipped, by general acclaim, into
+that very premier place so strangely, suddenly, and intempestively
+abdicated by the Idle Apprentice, GRANDOLPH.
+
+Concerning the latter, the latest reports are not reassuring. Like his
+celebrated prototype of fable, the ill-fated "Don't Care," he runneth
+a chance of being "devoured by lions"! At least he appears to have
+sought the company of those parlous beasts in their _native Afric
+wilds_. We hear that "the lions kept him tucked up one night," which
+same news (--gathered from a diurnal intituled the Johannesberg
+_Star_--) hath a fearsome and ill-boding sound. That he is--for the
+time at least--in every sense "tucked up," is only too obviously
+true. Peradventure he may yet think the better of it, correct his
+Frothy Distemper and Vagrant Disposition, and (as the agonising
+advertisements have it) return to his friends that all may be forgiven
+and much forgotten!
+
+But the last accounts of him picture him as lying languidly asprawl
+upon a Mausoleum in Mashonaland, _playing dice with himself!_ The tomb
+would indeed appear to be, in the sombre words of the Mystick Poet:--
+
+  "The vault of his lost Ulalume,"
+
+the runic-sounding word, "Ulalume," being taken perchance as the
+African synonym for "Reputation." Whether the cheering word _Resurgam_
+will ever be appropriate to _that_ Tomb remaineth to be seen. But
+it would appear only too plain that GRANDOLPH (in the words of the
+aforesaid SHAFTESBURY) "hath been a great frequenter of the woods and
+river-banks, where he hath consum'd abundance of his breath, suffer'd
+his Fancy to evaporate, and reduc'd the vehemence both of his Spirit
+and Voice." In short, that the erst ambitious and aspiring GRANDOLPH
+is still content, for the time at least, to play the part of _The Idle
+Apprentice_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE.
+
+(_A long way after Hogarth._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHYS"--WISE AND OTHERWISE.
+
+(_BEING QUEER QUERIES._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  I wonder why, whene'er a four-
+  Wheeler advances to a door,
+  (A common thing on Britain's shore,)
+    I wonder why,
+  At once some aged man will stand
+  And stare until its inmates land,
+  As if enchained by something grand,
+    Or weird, or high.
+
+  I wonder why the powers that mend
+  The streets should root them up, and rend
+  The roads with giant pipes on end
+    And bricks awry,
+  Just when we turn to town again;
+  Though nothing stirred while West Cockayne
+  Lay waste--a huge, deserted lane--
+    I wonder why.
+
+  I wonder why athwart the Row
+  Stray loafers linger, loth to go
+  Past the mid-crossing, and are so
+    Resolved to die,
+  Hoping that, as you gallop near
+  You'll maul them by your mad career--
+    I wonder why.
+
+  I wonder why, when theatre Stalls,
+  Are "papered" by Professionals,
+  And children arch in Thespis' halls
+    Their gambols ply,
+  Why the Box-office has the face
+  To offer _me_, who book place--
+  A Stall that would the Pit disgrace,
+    I wonder why.
+
+  I wonder why, whenever pressed
+  A little money to invest
+  In something which is quite the best
+    Affair to buy,
+  I _always_ read next morning that
+  Not _I_, but it (in parlance pat
+  Of City articles) was "Flat,"
+    I wonder why.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS NURSERY RHYMES.
+
+(_FOR USE OF INFANT STUDENTS IN NEW SCHOOL OF DRAMATIC ART._)
+
+  'Tis the voice of the Prompter,
+    I hear him quite plain;
+  He has prompted me twice,
+    Let him prompt me again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRETTY SIMPLETON.
+
+    [The _Spectator_ warns men against marrying simpletons,
+    pointing out that "there is no bore on earth equal to the
+    woman who can neither talk nor listen, and who has no mental
+    interests in common with her husband."]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  When fair BELINDA sweetly smiles,
+    And airily before you trips,
+  You're captured by her artless wiles,
+    And must admire her rosy lips.
+  You know that she is very fair,
+    You see that she has splendid eyes;
+  But ah, rash lover, have a care,
+    And find out if BELINDA's wise.
+
+  For beauty, trust us, is not all
+    A wife in these days should possess;
+  Her conversation's apt to pall,
+    If she can talk of naught but dress.
+  She need not be too deeply read,
+    You do not want a priggish bride;
+  But still take care the pretty head
+    Can boast some little brain inside.
+
+  In courtship all she said was sweet,
+    For you had died to win a glance;
+  Her little platitudes seemed neat,
+    Breathed 'mid the pauses of the dance.
+  You would have felt a heartless fiend
+    To criticise, when by her side;
+  Nor would the lady have demeaned
+    Herself to answer, had you tried.
+
+  But when you've won her for a wife,
+    And ante-nuptial glamour dies,
+  What food for matrimonial strife
+    Her crass inconsequent replies.
+  How terrible to find her dense,
+    And never grasping what you mean;
+  You'll think one gleam of common sense
+    Worth more than finest eyes e'er seen.
+
+  Days come when love no longer gives
+    Illusions as in hours of yore;
+  And hapless is the man who lives
+    To find his wife become a bore.
+  Then keep, if you'd avoid that day,
+    The wise _Spectator's_ golden rule:
+  Don't be by beauty led away,
+    And choose for wife a pretty fool.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the _Times'_ book advertisement column, the S.P.C.K. announces the
+following new publication:--
+
+    THE OUSE. By the Rev. A.J. FOSTER, M.A.
+
+This, we suppose, is the first of a new unaspirated ARRY SERIES.
+The next Volume being _The Ome_, and, after that, _Books of Ighgate,
+Amsted, Olloway, and other Ills_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Baron recognises, with pleasure, the actuality of the dramatic
+scenes _In Cambridge Courts_, by Mr. LEHMANN. The dialogues during
+rehearsal at the A.D.C., and of the Classic Play, are about the best
+of the many best things in the book. Mightily disappointed is the
+Baron with Mr. J.H. SHORTHOUSE's _Lady Falaise_, which, beginning
+so strongly, ends so feebly. Powerful it promised to be; exciting it
+promised to be; but weak it becomes, and, now and again, wearisome.
+Sorry for this is
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERIES FOR CANDIDATES (L.C.C.)
+
+(_WHAT THEY MAY COME TO._)
+
+As the County Council now has power over the Tramways of London,
+will you pledge yourself to see that smoking carriages, comfortable
+cushions, waiting-rooms at street-corners, and constant civility, are
+provided for passengers?
+
+Will you abolish the irritating and nefarious Ticket System?
+
+How long do you think it will be before the electric light is
+universally established in the cars?
+
+What is your view as to the provision of suitable places for wet
+umbrellas?
+
+Will you at once vote for "Free or Assisted Locomotion"?
+
+If a wheel of your private carriage comes off owing to skidding in
+the Tramway line, will you pledge yourself not to bring any claim for
+compensation against the Rates?
+
+Will you vote for the summary dismissal of any Conductor who proceeds
+to count the passengers after being informed that he is "full inside"?
+
+Is it a fact that you have promised to introduce "Pullman Palace
+Restaurant Cars, with free lunches," on the Tram-lines? If so, do you
+contemplate providing the cost out of your own resources, or how?
+
+You state in your Address to the Electors that you "are desirous of
+reducing the hours of Tram _employés_ to four a day, with two months'
+holiday in the year, and of giving a general rise of wages up to
+about £2 extra per week." Will you kindly say how you reconcile this
+desire with your expressed intention to "run the concern on the most
+economical plan, so as to save the pockets of the Ratepayers"?
+
+It is reported that you have pledged yourself, if elected, to see
+that the Tram Conductors "get their Saturday to Monday at Brighton as
+a regular thing." How do you propose to carry out this part of your
+programme?
+
+Do you consider yourself justified, in face of the above statements,
+in characterising the rival Candidate for the Council as "attempting
+to catch the Labour Vote by an impudent combination of insincere
+flattery, and fraudulent promises"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH ON TOUR. A REMINISCENCE OF THE RYDE SEASON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A RECOMMENDATION.
+
+_Dealer_. "NOW THERE'S HACTION FOR YOU, SIR! PUTS HER FEET DOWN AS IF
+SHE WAS A STEPPIN' ON HEGGSHELLS, DON'T SHE, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BELOW THE BELT!"
+
+(_EXTRACTS FROM THE POLITICAL "FISTIANA" OF THE PERIOD._)
+
+I.--_BY THE "BRUMMAGEM BANTAM" (AS REPORTED IN THE "INJUDICIOUS
+BOTTLEHOLDER")._
+
+"The 'Arwarden Old 'Un, Gemmen? Lor bless yer, _he_ ain't no account,
+nohow. Can't 'it a 'ole in a pound o' butter, _'e_ can't. Allus _was_
+a muff and a muddler; middling showy style, and a bit dodgy with his
+dooks, but neither a slogger _nor_ a stayer, and, atween you and me
+and the post, allus ready to hist the white feather when 'ard pressed.
+Wot's that you say? _His_ 'Travelling Company'? A reglar swindle, and
+a fair frost, Gemmen. Went 'round the country' on false purtences, and
+never did no good nowheres. Awful poor lot o' Pugs, _that_ gang. Not
+in it with the ''Atfield Combination Troupe,' as _can_ fight a bit,
+and 'as some smart scrappers in it. No, Gemmen, the 'Old 'Un' _allus
+were_ a fraud. Couldn't stand up to a Froggy, _'e_ couldn't. His
+Company muddled the 'ole bag o' tricks, and made a hawful mess of it.
+Ah, and _would_ agen, mark yer, if they got the chance. Should a'most
+like to see 'em _'ave_ another shy, if only for the bloomin' fun o'
+the thing; but it 'ud be a bit too expensive, and bring discredit on
+our Noble Hart, besides."
+
+(_Comments of the I.B.H. "Brayco, Brummagem Bantam! His style of
+hitting is straight and smart, in the ring or out of it. Hope the
+over-rated Hawardian Old 'Un and his Company relish the pepper
+young JOE has administered to the shifty Veteran and his parasitic
+'Items'!"_)
+
+II.--_FROM THE "NEWCASTLE NOBBLER," ALIAS "HONEST JOHN."_
+
+"Werry much surprised to see as that windictive Bounder, the
+'Brummagem Bantam,' has bin a letting out wicious like at his old
+pals, the 'Arwarden Old 'Un and his Pugilistic Company. '_They_
+was muffs and muddlers,' he sez. Well, he ought to ha' said 'we,'
+considerin' as _he wos one on 'em_!!! The Old 'Un was his first
+patron, and me and other members of the Company his pertikler pals,
+and _then_ he used for to crack us all up sky-high. _Now_ he rounds
+on us for 'making a mess of it.' Well, praps if _all_ wos knowed--but
+no matter! Only, to quarrel with your old pals, and then go about
+a-sneerin' and a-jeerin' at them for wot you yerself wos a party to,
+_I_ call 'hitting below the belt'"!
+
+(_Comments of the I.B.H. "Bosh! 'Honest JOHN' is a shrew, and not a
+Practical Pug. Is one prizefighter never to criticise another's style
+because he's once been in the same Company with him? Might as well say
+he must therefore never improve his own style. Besides, any stick is
+good enough to beat the Grand Old Pug-dog with!"_)
+
+III.--_REJOINDER OF THE "BRUMMAGEM BANTAM."_
+
+"'Itting below the belt be jolly well blowed! Honest JOHN don't
+believe a word 'e sez--it's ony his narsty spite. Makes hisself the
+wiaduck for the 'Arwarden Gang's witrol and winegar, _e_' do. In
+course I wos one o' the Old 'Un's Company, wus luck! But I've larned
+a bit since then. Wot do _you_ think? When I larruped my old pals, and
+called 'em mugs, messers, and muddlers, in corse I included myself,
+tacit-like. _But there was no call for to say so!_ As to not showing
+of 'em up acos I wos one of 'em--Wal_ker_!!! If _that's_ the Newcastle
+Nobbler's 'theory' of fair-play, 'e may jest go 'ome and eat coke!"
+
+(_Comments of the I.B.H. "The B.B. is quite right. If a Pug may not
+round on his old pals for doing what he helped them to do, it follows
+that he himself must never try to do better. Which is absurd! Go it,
+JOE!"_)
+
+IV.--_SURREJOINDER FROM "HONEST JOHN."_
+
+"My 'theory' ain't a bit wot the B.B. says it is. My 'theory' is that
+it's mean, and unfair, and unperfessional to curry favour with one's
+present backers by 'olding hup one's old pals to public redicule
+for doing wot we 'elped 'em to do, and at the time praised 'em _for_
+doin'. I call that 'hitting below the belt!' And I believe every
+'onest and manly Pug from FIGG to SAYERS would ha' said ditter to
+''Onest JOHN.' That's all, Gemmen!"
+
+(_Comment of the I.B.H. "Bosh! JOE's style of hitting is no doubt
+uncomfortable--for the Old 'Un and his pals. THAT'S EXACTLY WHY WE
+LIKE IT! What's the use of hitting above the belt only when the foe's
+only vulnerable below it? We rejoice to see the B.B. knocking the
+sawdust out of the Grand Old Fistic Fetish, and squelching the cant
+and claptrap out of 'Honest JOHN.'"_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STORICULES.
+
+VII.--GAZEY.
+
+"You're the fust pineter whort I've knowed," said JULIA SANBY,
+demurely. "Father works at a plumber's, but 'e ain't industr'us. 'E
+ain't a good man. An' mother drinks. Orful!"
+
+JULIA SANBY had consented, in consideration of money received, to let
+me make a sketch of her. She was a tall thin child, with a dirty and
+very intelligent face, great grey eyes, and long reddish hair. She was
+very bright and talkative; and yet she amazed me by being distinctly
+sanctimonious. She looked critically round my studio on her entrance.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"You ain't got no tex' 'ung up," she remarked, disparagingly. "We 'as
+two tex' in our kitching. I 'ung 'em up myself. An' father beat me for
+it. But I didn't keer, 'cos I knew I wos doin' good."
+
+She pressed her thin lips together, and looked like a mangled martyr.
+
+"Do you go to Sunday School?" I asked, as I got to work.
+
+"I goes reggler, an' I'm first in the School, and I knows more colics
+than any of 'em, excep' teachers. I ain't like GAZEY."
+
+"Who's GAZEY?"
+
+"She's a girl what I 'ites. She's a bad girl. We calls 'er GAZEY, 'cos
+it's short for GEHAZI; but that ain't 'er real nime. She's a liar.
+She's allus tellin' lies--seems as if she couldn't storp doin' it."
+JULIA SANBY sighed sadly.
+
+"What kind of lies?"
+
+"She don't tell no lies to get 'erself out of nothin'; 'cos she's so
+bad that she don't keer whort rows she gets inter. But she tells other
+sorts. She just sits up on the fence what goes roun' the green, an'
+mikes up things, an' a lot of the children ain't got no more sense
+than to sit roun' an' listen to 'er. That just mikes 'er worse. She
+sits theer, a-tellin' stories, an' sweerin' they're all true. You
+never 'eard such stories."
+
+"What are they all about?"
+
+"Mostly about gran' things an' wunnerful things--kings, an' carridges,
+an' angels, an' firewux, an' dreams what she says she's 'ad. An'
+she'll sweer they're true. My word, it is wicked of 'er! She's allus
+pretennin' to be things what she ain't, too. One Sat'dy arf'noon she
+said she was a steam-injun. An' she got 'old of a little boy, BOB
+COLLINGS, and said 'e was the tender. An' BOB COLLINGS 'ad to foller
+close be'ind 'er all that arf'noon, else she'd a' nigh killed 'im. 'E
+got rather tired, because she kept runnin' about, bein' a express an'
+'avin' cerlishuns. Lawst of all she wived 'er awms about, and mide a
+kind o' whooshin' noise. 'Now,' she said, 'my biler's bust, an' I'm
+done for!' So she lay flat on the wet groun', an' the tender went 'ome
+to 'is tea."
+
+"What's she like to look at?"
+
+JULIA SANBY confessed, with apparent reluctance, that GAZEY was very
+pretty. "She's prettier nor I am, nor any of the other childrun roun'
+'ere. She's got golding 'air, an' blue eyes. But I 'ite 'er, 'cos
+she's so bad, an' 'cos she mikes the other children bad. I don't never
+listen to none of 'er mike-ups now."
+
+"Would she let me make a sketch of her?"
+
+"Dunno. You wouldn't like 'er. She's low in the wye she talks. The new
+curick don't like 'er. Nobody don't like 'er."
+
+Now, just in this sentence, I fancied that the sanctimoniousness of
+JULIA SANBY had become mixed with some real feeling. I also reflected
+on the fact that, although most children are egoists, JULIA SANBY
+seemed to take more pleasure in talking about GAZEY than in discussing
+herself. I had distinct suspicions.
+
+"Could you remember any of GAZEY's stories?"
+
+"Might, p'raps."
+
+"Go on, then. Tell me one."
+
+She began a story, which was obviously an improvisation, with little
+incidents taken from other stories added to it. It was full of the
+wildest imaginings. She told it without the least nervousness or
+embarrassment. Her assumption of demureness and sanctity vanished
+utterly. She became vivid and dramatic. "An' I'd tike my gorspil oath
+it's all true," she added, at the conclusion, as if from force of
+habit.
+
+"JULIA SANBY," I said, "GAZEY has not got golden hair nor blue eyes,
+neither is she pretty. _You_ are GAZEY."
+
+"I swear I ain't. I'm a good girl, and knows my colics; GAZEY's
+something orful."
+
+"Very well," I answered, and went on finishing the sketch, as though
+I took no interest in her. After a few seconds' silence, she added,
+quite calmly,
+
+"Owdjer know? I can pretend proper, cawn't I? But I 'adn't never
+talked about myself as if I was someone else afore. That pickshur
+ain't much like me."
+
+"It will be when it's finished. Come to-morrow at the same time."
+
+"Do you think I'm a liar?"
+
+"You're either a liar or an artist, but I'm not sure which."
+
+GAZEY put on her exceedingly frowsy hat. "The new curick needn't a bin
+so cock-sure about it then. G'mornin'."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST FROM BOBBY.
+
+(_AN INTERCEPTED LETTER._)
+
+_Schoolhouse, Swishborough._
+
+_Thursday._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEAREST DARLING MOTHER,
+
+I was so glad to get the hamper, and it has done me much good, all the
+fellows were pleased with the cake, and the sardines were first-rate,
+and the potted stuffs were awfully good. I am sorry you forgot the
+bottles of acidulated drops, but you can send them in the next
+hamper as soon as you like. There are only sixty-two days to the
+holidays--1688 hours including nights! Isn't that jolly!
+
+And now, my dear Mother, I want to write most seriously to you upon a
+matter of great importance. You know I have been doing "Music" as an
+"extra." Well, it does not agree with me. The fact is, it is an hour
+every week in my playtime, when the Doctor says it is good for my
+health that I should be enjoying myself. And "Music" is an extra,
+like "Sausages for breakfast." And, of course, one has to think of
+all that. How hard dear Papa works to get his living; and, of course,
+I oughtn't to waste anything, ought I? Well, I really think I could
+give up "Music." After all, it's awful rot, and only fit for a pack of
+girls! So this is the great favour I'm going to ask you--and mind you
+say "Yes." May I give up "Music," and take up "Sausages for breakfast"
+instead?
+
+Always your most loving Son, BOBBY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IF THE FASHION SPREADS.
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of a Fashionable Church. The Incumbent has
+    read the Banns of Marriage between JOHN PLANTAGENET DE SMITH
+    and MARY STUART DE BROWN, and asks the usual question._
+
+_Counsel_ (_rising in pew_). I beg to object.
+
+_Incumbent_ (_surprised, but self-possessed_). You will be good enough
+to communicate with us in the Vestry, at the end of the service,
+
+_Counsel_. But I prefer to raise my objections at once. I may say,
+Reverend Sir, that I am here on behalf of Mr. JOHN PLANTAGENET DE
+SMITH, who is my client. I am instructed by the Messrs. CAPIAS of
+Bedford Row, and I contend that since the Members of the London County
+Council have instructed counsel to appear on their behalf at meetings
+in which they themselves act judicially, the right extends to Places
+of Public Worship.
+
+_Incumbent_. Perhaps we might hear you later. If you were kind enough
+to raise your objections in the Vestry, it would be--
+
+_Counsel_ (_interrupting_). Pardon me, that would scarcely be
+satisfactory. We do not wish any hole-and-corner agitation. I
+am instructed by my client to say, that he courts the fullest
+investigation. Now, the facts are these:--
+
+    [_Gives the facts, and ends an eloquent speech with a
+    magnificent peroration._
+
+_Incumbent_. In consequence of the rather long argument of our dear
+and learned brother, the customary quarter of an hour's sermon will
+not be given on this occasion. [_Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AL FRESCO OPERA.--_Cavalleria Rusticana_ at the Royal Shaftesbury,
+and _Le Rêve_ in the Winter (Covent) Garden kept by Ex-Sheriff
+DRURIOLANUS. "About the latter," says Sir DRURIOLANUS, "some
+enthusiasts quite _rave_. See?" (_Exit Ex-Sheriff, to note this down
+for the forthcoming Pantomime._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, November 7, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 ***
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+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+          content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
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+    <title>Punch, November 7, 1891.</title>
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+    {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
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+    .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+    .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+    .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+    .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+    .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101,
+November 7, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 7, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 17, 2004 [EBook #14067]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 101.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>November 7, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page217"
+       id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span>
+
+    <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/217-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/217-1.png"
+             alt="Two-headed bust of the Emperor." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>We learn by telegraph from Berlin that some uneasiness
+    exists in that capital owing to demonstrations made by the
+    photographists and artists in plaster-of-Paris, who have been
+    accustomed to reproduce likenesses and busts of His Imperial
+    Majesty. They complain that, owing to a measure of uncertainty
+    about the EMPEROR's personal appearance from day to day, they
+    have large stocks thrown on their hands, and are reduced to a
+    condition approaching bankruptcy. The crisis has been
+    precipitated by the circumstance that, just when the combined
+    trades, recovering from their first disaster, had produced a
+    Christmas stock of portraits and busts, showing His Majesty
+    with a beard, he shaved it off, and once more they have their
+    goods returned on their hands. Prussian 3-1/2 per Cents. have
+    fallen to 83-85.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>When Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS read in the <i>Times</i> that
+    Signor LAGO had been granted the QUEEN's permission to prefix
+    "Royal" to his opera entertainment at the Shaftesbury Theatre,
+    it gave him so great a shock that, but for the opportune
+    ("opera-tune," Sir AUGUSTUS jocosely put it) arrival of Dr.
+    ROBSON ROUSTEM PASHA, the shock might have had a serious
+    effect.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>On Monday last, at half-past three, the King of SPAIN cut a
+    new tooth, His Majesty's seventh acquisition in this class of
+    property. The happy event was celebrated by a salute of
+    seventeen guns.</p>
+
+    <p>"What's that?" asked His Majesty, awakened by the roar from
+    his siesta.</p>
+
+    <p>"Sire," said the Field-Marshal commanding the troops,
+    bringing his trusty Toledo to the salute, "your Majesty has
+    condescended to cut a tooth."</p>
+
+    <p>"That's all very well to begin with," said the King; "but,
+    when I grow a little older, I mean to cut a dash."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Previous to the appointment of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR, much
+    speculation was indulged in as to the succession to the
+    Leadership of the House of Commons. In Conservative circles
+    there was an almost universal desire to see the place filled by
+    a noble Baron well-known for the assiduity with which he
+    arrives in town to transact business in Bouverie Street,
+    returning to his country seat the same evening.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>During the interval after it had been made known that the
+    Leadership of the House of Commons had been offered to Mr.
+    BALFOUR, and whilst his decision was anxiously awaited, Sir
+    WILLIAM HARCOURT was asked whether he thought the Chief
+    Secretary would take the place.</p>
+
+    <p>"Who can say, TOBY <i>mio</i>?" answered the Squire,
+    stroking his chin, with a far-away glance. "The situation
+    reminds me of an incident that came under my notice when I
+    represented Oxford borough. One of my constituents, a worthy
+    pastor, had had a call to another and much wealthier church. He
+    asked for time to consider the proposal. One afternoon, a
+    fortnight later, I met his son in High Street, and inquired
+    whether his father had decided to take the new place. 'Well,'
+    said the youngster, 'Pa is still praying for light, but most of
+    the things are packed.'"</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We understand that an innovation will be introduced at
+    Guildhall on the occasion of the Lord MAYOR's dinner. The Lord
+    MAYOR elect being a Welshman, intends to substitute the leek
+    for the loving cup. At the stage of the festival where the
+    loving cup usually goes round, a dish of leeks will be passed
+    along, and every guest will be expected publicly to eat one.
+    This will necessitate an alteration in the time-honoured
+    formula of the Toastmaster. On the 9th of November it will run:
+    "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Right Hon. the Lord MAYOR
+    pledges you with a loving leek, and bids you HALL a 'arty
+    welcome."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Croesus.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[<i>Mr. Punch</i> has decided that it is absolutely
+        necessary for him to publish every week a financial
+        article. The best treatises on Political Economy lay it
+        down as an axiom that, where the desire for acquisition is
+        universal, and the standard of value absolute, a balance
+        between gain and loss can only be reached by the
+        mathematical adjustment of <i>meum</i> and <i>tuum</i>.
+        Acting upon this principle, <i>Mr. Punch</i> has, in the
+        interests of everybody, retained the services of one of the
+        most, if not <i>the</i> most, eminent contemporary
+        financiers, whom modesty alone prevents from signing his
+        own name to his benevolent and comprehensive articles.
+        Those, however, who care to look beneath the surface, will
+        have no difficulty in determining the identity of one of
+        the greatest modern monetary authorities, a man whose nod
+        has before this shattered prosperous empires, and whose
+        word is even better than his bond, could such a thing be
+        possible. <i>Mr. Punch</i> has only one thing to say to
+        those who desire to be rich. It is this. Follow implicitly
+        the advice of CROESUS.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;You have asked me to devote some of my spare time
+    to the enlightenment of your readers on matters connected with
+    the money-markets of the world. The request is an easy one to
+    make. You talk of spare time, as if the man who controlled
+    millions of money, and could <i>at any moment</i> put all the
+    Directors of the Bank of England in his waistcoat pocket, had
+    absolutely nothing to do except to devote himself to the
+    affairs of other people. Such a man has no leisure. When he is
+    not engaged in launching loans, or in admitting to an audience
+    the Prime Ministers of peoples rightly struggling to free
+    themselves from debt by adding largely to their public
+    liabilities, when, I say, he is not thusly or otherwisely
+    engaged, his mind must still busy itself with the details of
+    all the immense concerns over which he, more or less, presides.
+    However, I am willing to make an exception in your case, and to
+    impart to you the ripe fruits of an experience which has no
+    parallel in any country of the habitable globe. Without,
+    therefore, cutting any more time to waste, I begin.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:14%;">
+        <a href="images/217-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/217-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>(1.) <i>Mines</i>.&mdash;There can be no doubt that in this
+    department a largely increased activity may soon be expected. I
+    am aware that in "Shafts" there has been a downward tendency;
+    but I am assured by the Secretary of the "Dodjâ Plant Co."
+    (19-1/2, 6/8, 54·2-1/2, 7/8), that the prospects of this branch
+    of investment were never more brilliant. The latest report of
+    the Mining Expert sent out to investigate this mine, runs as
+    follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"I have now been three days in the interior of the Dodjâ
+    Plant. I can confidently state that I found no water, though
+    there was evidence of large deposits of salt, which could be
+    worked at an immense profit. The gold is abundant. I have
+    crushed ten tons of quartz <i>with my own hands</i>, and found
+    the yield in florins extraordinary. The natives guard the mouth
+    of the mine. Please relieve promptly. My assistant became a
+    Salmi yesterday."</p>
+
+    <p>There is some obscurity (intentional, of course) in the last
+    few words. I may, therefore, state that a Salmi is one of the
+    most important native bankers. The profession is only open to
+    millionnaires. I therefore say, emphatically, buy Dodjâs.</p>
+
+    <p>(2.) <i>The Carbon Diamond Fields</i>.&mdash;The latest
+    quotations are 14-5/8 to the dozen, with irregular falls.
+    Carbon Prefs. unaltered. Trusts firm. This is a good investment
+    for a poor man. In fact there could not be a better. No
+    necessity to deal through an ordinary stockbroker. Wire
+    "CROESUS, City." That will find me, and by return you shall
+    have address of banker, to whom first deposit for cover must be
+    immediately paid.</p>
+
+    <p>(3.) <i>Italian Cattivas</i> quieter. A Correspondent
+    asks&mdash;"What do you recommend a man who has laid by £20 to
+    do in order to hold £1,000 at the end of a month?" I say at
+    once, Try Cattivas (19-2/5 Def.; Deb. Stk. 14&mdash;15). Wire
+    "CROESUS, City."</p>
+
+    <p>(4.) <i>South-African Pih Kroost</i> short. Gold continues
+    to be in good demand. Anybody wishing to make a quick profit
+    out of a small sum, such as from two to five sovereigns, wire
+    "CROESUS, City" anytime before 12·30. In all cases of
+    telegraphing, the message must be "Reply-Paid," or no notice
+    will be taken of the communication. Remember "Time is Money."
+    Keep up a good supply of both, and you'll live to bless
+    "CROESUS."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Advice Gratis</i>.&mdash;Make (Brighton) "A," while the
+    sun shines,</p>
+
+    <p>Inquiries as to <i>The Para Docks Company</i>, and <i>The
+    Jerrie Myer Bilder Company</i>, I will answer squarely and
+    fairly next week. Don't move in these without the straight and
+    direct advice of "CROESUS."</p>
+
+    <p>As to the <i>Turpin, Sheppard, and Abershaw Highways
+    Company</i>, I shall have something to say next week. Investors
+    who want a real good thing, just hold your coin in hand for a
+    week, till I say "Go," and then go it. This Company will be a
+    big thing, <i>and, mind you, safe</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>For the present I close the account, to re-open it next
+    week, and, to show my good faith, send you my subscription,
+    which you may read here, as I subscribe myself, "CROESUS,
+    CITY."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page218"
+       id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <h2>&Theta;&Eta;
+        &Pi;&Rho;&Omega;&Tau;&Epsilon;&Kappa;&Tau;&Epsilon;&Delta;
+        &Phi;&Eta;&Mu;&Alpha;&Lambda;&Epsilon;.</h2><a href="images/218.png">
+        <img width="100%"
+             src="images/218.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["For our part we do not believe in protected studies.
+        Greek came into the Western world, poor and needy, three
+        centuries ago. By her own unaided charms she has won her
+        way. By those charms we believe that she will hold her own
+        against all competitors until literature and civilisation
+        are no more."&mdash;<i>Times</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Protected Greek! Protected Greek!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">BALFOUR may doubt, the <i>Times</i>
+            demur,</p>
+
+            <p>And chattering "correspondents" seek</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Against the goddess strife to stir,</p>
+
+            <p>But while the Senate rules, you bet,</p>
+
+            <p>The Goths shan't smash the Grecians yet.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When Don meets Don injurious fray</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Then comes in sooth the tug of war;</p>
+
+            <p>And on this memorable day</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They gather in from near and far,</p>
+
+            <p>To whelm the unnatural ones who'd seek</p>
+
+            <p>To set the "Grace" against the Greek.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>SWETE looks on JEBB and JEBB on BROWNE,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And BATESON looks on ROBERTSON SMITH.</p>
+
+            <p>They cry, "Of WELLDON 'tis ill-done!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But THOMSON is a man of pith,</p>
+
+            <p>And GRIMTHORPE, that scalp-hunting "Brave"</p>
+
+            <p>Will tomahawk the "Modern" slave.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Proctors sat with serious brow,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Within the swarming Senate House,</p>
+
+            <p>Voters in hundreds swarmed below,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fellows of scholarship and
+            <i>nous</i>.</p>
+
+            <p>They counted votes, and, when 'twas done,</p>
+
+            <p><i>Non-placets</i> had it, three to one!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And where are they, Granta's fell foes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The champions of the Modern side?</p>
+
+            <p>Five twenty-five emphatic "Noes"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Have squelched their schemes, and dashed
+            their pride.</p>
+
+            <p>Hurroo! for those so prompt to vindicate</p>
+
+            <p>Compulsory Greek against the Syndicate!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page219"
+       id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thus sang, or would, or could, or should have
+            sung,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The modern Greek, in imitative verse;</p>
+
+            <p>Meanwhile the Goddess, grave, though ever young,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Stood, Psyche-like, untempted to
+            rehearse</p>
+
+            <p>The ragings&mdash;angrier ink was seldom
+            slung&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Uttered by BYRON in Minerva's Curse.</p>
+
+            <p>She simply stood, as stately-proud as Pallas,</p>
+
+            <p>Looking so calm, some might have deemed her
+            callous.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Amusing sight this game! <i>Don</i> versus
+            <i>Don</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mixed in a sort of classic Donny
+            brook.</p>
+
+            <p>A lethal weapon is a Lexicon</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When rivals make a bludgeon of the
+            book.</p>
+
+            <p>By her unaided charms the Goddess won</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her way. <i>This</i> is the language of
+            her look.</p>
+
+            <p>(The Laureate's) "Judge thou me by what I am,</p>
+
+            <p>"So shalt thou find me, fairest"&mdash;<i>sans</i>
+            Compulsory Cram!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>BETWEEN THE ACTS.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>Europe. The Great Powers discovered in
+        Council.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Russia</i>. Now, I think I have arranged matters fairly
+    well. I shall myself lend a hand to France, and that will keep
+    the balance decently level, so far as Germany is concerned.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Germany</i>. Will it? I can fight you both!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Austria</i>. Now, keep quiet. If we are to be partners,
+    you must not be so impulsive.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Italy</i>. Just what I say. Why can't he take it
+    calmly!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Russia</i>. Well, of course it's not my business; but if
+    you want to break up the Triple Alliance, that's the way to do
+    it! Well, then, France employed with you boys on the Rhine, I
+    shall move down south, and quietly occupy Constantinople. Now,
+    no one could object to that!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Germany</i>. Why, I should, and so would Austria,
+    wouldn't you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Austria</i>. Of course. But what could we do, if we were
+    hard at work with France?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Italy</i>. Yes; and fancy the Mediterranean becoming a
+    Russian lake!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Russia</i>. Oh, you would soon grow accustomed to it!
+    Then I should move on to Afghanistan, and quietly make my way
+    to India. But all this has to be done after the first step is
+    taken. England must scuttle out of Egypt.</p>
+
+    <p><i>England</i>. Scuttle out of Egypt? Why, certainly! After
+    consideration! [<i>Left considering.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/219-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/219-1.png"
+             alt="MISUNDERSTOOD." /></a>
+
+        <h3>MISUNDERSTOOD.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Young Lady</i> (<i>in Contralto tones of remarkable
+        depth and richness</i>). "HAVE YOU GOT ANY <i>LOW</i>
+        FRENCH SONGS?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Music Publisher</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). "<i>CERTAINLY</i>
+        NOT, MISS! YOU MUST TRY SOME OTHER ESTABLISHMENT!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ROBERT ON THE COMING SHO.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/219-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/219-2.png"
+             alt="Robert." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>What a prowd and appy day dear old Whales is about for to
+    have on the werry next Lord Mare's Day, as is cumming, which
+    it's the ninth of nex month, which it's nex Monday. Not only is
+    wun of the werry populusest of living Welchmen a going for to
+    be made Lord MARE on that werry day, but the Prince of WHALES
+    hisself, who was inwited but karnt kum cos he's keepin' his
+    hone Jewbilly at ome that appy and horspigious day. Praps Madam
+    HADDYLEANER PATTY (wich is quite a Welch name) would kum up an
+    give us a treat on this okashun.</p>
+
+    <p>Praps my enthewsiasm in the cause of Whales may be xcused
+    when I reweals the fack that I am myself arf a Welchman, as my
+    Mother was a reel one before me, and so, strange to say, was my
+    Huncle, her Brother. There was sum idear of dressing me up as a
+    Bard with a Arp, and I was to jine in when the rest on us
+    struck up "<i>The March of the Men of Garlick</i>," but I
+    prudently declined the temting horffer. I need scarcely say
+    that Welch Rabbits will be a werry striking part of the Maynoo,
+    being probably substituted for the Barrens of Beef.</p>
+
+    <p>I'm told as all the Ministers is a cumming.</p>
+
+    <p>BROWN, with his ushal raddicle imperence, says it's becoz
+    they knos as it's for the larst time. Yes, much BROWN knos
+    about it, when he sed jest the werry same thing larst year! I'm
+    told as Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. GOSHEN is to be seated nex to each
+    other, so that they can take the Loving Cup together. So that
+    will be all rite. We are going to have a splendid
+    Persession&mdash;the werry longest and the werry
+    hinterestingest of moddern times! So I adwise all my many kyind
+    paytrons and Country Cuzzins to "<i>cum erly</i>." There's no
+    telling what dredful changes may take place in these horful
+    rewolushunary times, and ewen the "Sacred Sho" may be stript of
+    sum of its many attrackshuns, or ewen erbolished altogether!
+    But that is, of course, only a fearfool wision, begotten, as
+    SHAKSPEARE says, of too much supper last nite, "a praying on my
+    eat-oppressed Brane!" No, no! There are things as is posserbel,
+    and there are things as ain't, and them as ain't done werry
+    often happen.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ROBERT.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The Two Graces.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[Miss MAUDE MILLETT was at Cambridge last week, when the
+        Grace of the Senate for an inquiry into the Compulsory
+        Greek question was <i>placeted</i> by a large
+        majority.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The tug of war, when Greek met Anti-Greek</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In deadly feud, was over in a trice.</p>
+
+            <p>They spoke out promptly, when they had to
+            speak&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They would not have the Grace at any
+            price.</p>
+
+            <p>But undergraduates of every race</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Flocked to the Theatre, each night to
+            fill it.</p>
+
+            <p>The Grace THEY <i>placeted</i> was just the
+            Grace</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of one fair maiden&mdash;pretty Miss
+            MAUDE MILLETT.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A CHILI PICKLE.&mdash;The following advertisement is sent
+    us, extracted from the <i>Chilian Times</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><font size="+3">C</font>ASA QUINTA!&mdash;TO LET in Viña
+        del Mar the first story of a comfortable house, with
+        beautiful garden and yard, situated in the finest part of
+        the villa, and consisting of eight rooms, baths, gas,
+        cellar and all other comforts, etc., against rent or board
+        to a matrimony&mdash;Apply, &amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>If Chilians can treat English like this, Americans will
+    stand a poor chance "<i>against rent or board to a
+    matrimony</i>." The terms of the lease in Chilian Legal English
+    would probably "afford employment for the gentlemen of the long
+    robe."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>The <i>Observer</i> recently warned us that&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"LOUISA Lady AILESBURY must not be confounded with MARIA
+        Lady AILESBURY, who is the widow of the elder brother of
+        her husband."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>There is surely some misapprehension here. Lady "A." did not
+    marry her deceased husband's brother, whether "elder" or
+    younger.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page220"
+       id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. XIII.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>A hundred yards or so from the top of
+        Monte Generoso, above Lake Lugano.</i> CULCHARD, <i>who,
+        with a crowd of other excursionists, has made the ascent by
+        rail, is toiling up the steep and very slippery slope to
+        the summit.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>to himself, as he stops to pant</i>).
+    <i>More</i> climbing! I thought this line was supposed to go to
+    the top! But that's Italian all over&mdash;hem&mdash;as PODBURY
+    would say! Wonder, by the way, if he expected to be asked to
+    come with me. I've no reason for sacrificing myself like that
+    any longer! (<i>He sighs.</i>) Ah, HYPATIA, if you could know
+    what a dreary disenchanted blank you have made of my life! And
+    I who believed you capable of appreciating such devotion as
+    mine!</p>
+
+    <p><i>A Voice behind</i>. My! If I don't know that back I'll
+    just give up! How've <i>you</i> been getting along all this
+    time, Mr. CULCHARD?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>turning</i>). Miss TROTTER! A most
+    delightful and&mdash;er&mdash;unexpected meeting, indeed!</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:45%;">
+        <a href="images/220.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220.png"
+             alt="'Struggling with a long printed Panorama.'" />
+             </a>"Struggling with a long printed Panorama."
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Trotter</i>. Well, we came up on the cars in front
+    of yours. We've taken rooms at the hotel up here. Poppa
+    reckoned the air would be kind of fresher on the top of this
+    mountain, and I don't believe but what he's right either. I
+    guess I shall want another hairpin through <i>my</i> hat. And
+    are you still going around with Mr. PODBURY? As inseparable as
+    ever, I presume?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> Er&mdash;<i>about</i> as inseparable. That is,
+    we are still travelling together&mdash;only, on this particular
+    afternoon&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> He went and got mislaid? I see. He used to
+    stray considerable over in Germany, didn't he? Well, I'm real
+    pleased to see <i>you</i> anyway. And how's the poetry been
+    panning out? I hope you've had a pretty good yield of
+    sonnets?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). She's really grown
+    distinctly prettier. She might show a little more
+    <i>feeling</i>, though, considering we were almost, if not
+    quite&mdash;(<i>Aloud.</i>) So you remember my poor poems? I'm
+    afraid I have not been very&mdash;er&mdash;prolific of
+    late.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> You don't say! I should think you'd have had
+    one to show for every day, with the date to it, like a new-laid
+    egg.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> Birds don't lay&mdash;er&mdash;I mean they
+    don't <i>sing</i>, in the dark. My light has
+    been&mdash;er&mdash;lacking of late.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> If that's intended for me, you ought to begin
+    chirping right away. But you're not going to tell me you've
+    been "lounjun round en sufferin'" like&mdash;wasn't it <i>Uncle
+    Remus's</i> Brer Terrapin? (<i>Catching</i> C.'s <i>look of
+    bewilderment.</i>) What, don't you know <i>Uncle Remus</i>?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>politely</i>). Mr. TROTTER is the only
+    relation of yours I have had the pleasure of meeting, as
+    yet.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> Why, I reckoned <i>Uncle Remus</i> was pretty
+    most everybody's relation by now. He's a book. But likely
+    you've no use for our national humorous literature?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> I&mdash;er&mdash;must confess I seldom waste
+    time over the humorous literature of <i>any</i> nation.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> I guess that accounts for your gaiety! There,
+    don't you mind <i>me</i>, Mr. CULCHARD. But suppose we hurry
+    along and inspect this panorama they talk so much of; it isn't
+    going to be any sideshow. It's just a real representative
+    mass-meeting of Swiss mountains, with every prominent peak in
+    the country on the platform, and a deputation down below from
+    the leading Italian lakes. It's ever so elegant,&mdash;and
+    there's Poppa around on the top too.</p>
+
+    <h4><i>On the top. Tourists discovered making more or less
+    appropriate remarks.</i></h4>
+
+    <p><i>First Tourist</i> (<i>struggling with a long printed
+    panorama, which flaps like a sail</i>). Grand view, Sir, get
+    'em all from here, you see! Monte Rosa, Matterhorn,
+    Breithorn&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Works through them all conscientiously, until, much to
+        everybody's relief, his panorama escapes into space.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Second T.</i> (<i>a lady, with the air of a person making
+    a discovery</i>). How wonderfully small everything looks down
+    below!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Third T.</i> (<i>a British Matron, with a talent for
+    incongruity</i>). Yes, dear, very&mdash;<i>quite</i> worth
+    coming all this way for, but as I was telling you, we've always
+    been accustomed to such an evangelical service, so that our new
+    Rector is really <i>rather</i>&mdash;but we're quite
+    <i>friendly</i> of course; go there for tennis, and he dines
+    with us, and all that. Still, I <i>do</i> think, when it comes
+    to having lighted candles in broad daylight&mdash;(&amp;c.,
+    &amp;c.)</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fourth T.</i> (<i>an equally incongruous American</i>).
+    Wa'al, yes, they show up well, cert'nly, those peaks do. But I
+    was about to remark. Sir, I went to that particular
+    establishment on Fleet Street. I called for a chop. And when it
+    came, I don't deny I felt disappointed, for the plate all
+    around was just as <i>dry</i>&mdash;! But the moment I struck a
+    fork into that chop, Sir,&mdash;well, the way the gravy just
+    came <i>gushing</i> out was&mdash;there, it ain't no use me
+    trying to put it in words! But from that instant, Sir, I kinder
+    realised the peculiar charm of your British chop.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fifth T.</i> (<i>a discontented Teuton</i>). I exbected
+    more as zis. It is nod glear enough&mdash;nod at all. Zey dolt
+    me from ze dop you see Milan. I look all aroundt. Novere I see
+    Milan! And I lief my obera-glass behint me in ze drain, and I
+    slib on ze grass and sbrain my mittle finger, and altogedder I
+    do not vish I had com.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> (<i>presenting</i> CULCHARD <i>to</i> Mr.
+    CYRUS K.T.). I guess you've met <i>this</i> gentleman
+    before!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Well now, that's <i>so</i>. I didn't just
+    reckon I'd meet him again all this way above the sea-level
+    though, but I'm just as pleased to see him. Rode up on the
+    cars, I presume, Sir? Tolerable hilly road all the way,
+    <i>ain't</i> it now? There cann't anybody say we hain' made the
+    most of <i>our</i> time since you left us. Took a run over to
+    Berlin; had two hours and a haff in that city, and I dunno as I
+    keered about making a more pro-tracted visit. Went right
+    through to Vi-enna, saw round Vi-enna. I did want, being so
+    near, to just waltz into Turkey and see that. But I guess
+    Turkey'll have to keep till next time. Then back again into
+    Switzerland, for I do seem to have kinder taken a fancy to
+    Switzerland. I'd like to have put in more time there, and we
+    stayed best part of a week too! But Italy's an interesting
+    place. Yes, I'm getting considerable interested in Italy, so
+    far as I've got. There's Geneva now&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> You do beat anything for mixing up places,
+    Father. And you don't want to be letting yourself loose on Mr.
+    CULCHARD this way. You'd better go and bring Mr. VAN BOODELER
+    along; he's round somewhere.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. T.</i> I do like slinging off when I meet a friend;
+    but I'll shut down, MAUD, I'll shut down.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> Oh, there you are, CHARLEY! Come right here,
+    and be introduced to Mr. CULCHARD. He's a vurry intelligent
+    man. My cousin, Mr. CHARLES VAN BOODELER,&mdash;Mr. CULCHARD.
+    Mr. VAN BOODELER's intelligent too. He's going to write our
+    great National Amurrcan novel, soon as ever he has time for it.
+    That's so, isn't it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. V.B.</i> (<i>a slim, pale young man, with a
+    cosmopolitan air and a languid drawl</i>). It's our most
+    pressing national need, Sir, and I have long cherished the
+    intention of supplying it. I am collecting material, and, when
+    the psychological moment arrives, I shall write that novel. And
+    I believe it will be a big thing, a very big thing; I mean to
+    make it a complete compendium of every phase of our great and
+    complicated civilisation from State to State and from shore to
+    shore. [CULCHARD <i>bows vaguely.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> Yes, and the great Amurrcan public are going
+    to rise up in their millions and boom it. Only I don't believe
+    they'd better start booming just yet, till there's something
+    more than covers to that novel. And how you're going to collect
+    material for an Amurrcan novel, flying round Europe, just beats
+    <i>me</i>!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. V.B.</i> (<i>with superiority</i>). Because you don't
+    realise that it's precisely in Europe that I find my best
+    American types. Our citizens show up better against a European
+    background,&mdash;it excites and stimulates their nationality,
+    so to speak. And again, with a big subject like mine, you want
+    to step back to get the proper focus. Now I'm <i>stepping</i>
+    back.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> I guess it's more like skipping, CHARLEY. But
+    so long as you're having a good time! And here's Mr. CULCHARD
+    will fix <span class="pagenum"><a name="page221"
+       id="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span> you up some sonnets for
+       headings to the chapters. You needn't begin <i>right</i>
+       away, Mr. CULCHARD; I guess there's no hurry. But we get
+       talking and <i>talking</i>, and never look at anything. I
+       don't call it encouraging the scenery, and that's a
+       fact!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>later, to</i> CULCHARD). And you're pretty
+    comfortable at your hotel? Well, I dunno, after all, what there
+    is to keep <i>us</i> here. I guess we'll go down again and stop
+    at Lugano, eh, MAUD?</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[CULCHARD <i>eagerly awaits her reply.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.</i> I declare! After bringing all my trunks way
+    up here! But I'd just as soon move down as not; they're not
+    unpacked any. (<i>Joy of</i> C.) Seems a pity, too, after
+    engaging rooms here. And they looked real nice. Mr. CULCHARD,
+    don't you and Mr. PODBURY want to come up here and take them?
+    They've a perfectly splendid view, and then we could have
+    yours, you know! (C. <i>cannot conceal his chagrin at this
+    suggestion.</i>) Well, see here, Poppa, we'll go along and try
+    if we can't square the hotel-clerk and get our baggage on the
+    cars again, and then we'll see just how we feel about it. I'm
+    perfectly indifferent either way.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself, as he follows</i>). Can she be
+    really as indifferent as she seems? I'm afraid she has very
+    little heart! But if only she can be induced to go back to
+    Lugano ... She will be at the same hotel&mdash;a great point! I
+    wish that fellow VAN BOODELER wasn't coming too, though ... Not
+    that they've settled to come at all yet!... Still, I fancy she
+    likes the idea ... She'll come&mdash;if I don't appear too
+    anxious about it! [<i>He walks on, trying to whistle
+    carelessly.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WAR IN A FOG.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Record of the Next Campaign of the Coming
+    Moltke.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>Our Army was now advancing in good order. We had the "A"
+    Division of the enemy on our right, and the "B" Division on our
+    left, but of course we had lost sight of Division "C." It was
+    the morning after we had taken the fortress that had
+    unexpectedly appeared before us on our right front, and had
+    found ourselves to our surprise by the side of a river. The
+    Chief of my Staff entered my tent whilst I was engaged in
+    studying a map not very successfully.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/221-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"General," said he, "military music can be heard in the
+    distance, from which I take it it must be the other part of our
+    Army." "This is most fortunate," I replied; "but are they
+    supposed to be in this part of the country? I fancied they were
+    besieging the enemy's metropolis.</p>
+
+    <p>"So it was reported," returned my subordinate; "but it
+    appears that, taking the first turning to the right, instead of
+    the second to the left, they lost their way, and instead of
+    capturing the capital, surrounded a harbour, in which, to their
+    astonishment, they found his fleet."</p>
+
+    <p>"I suppose that the movements of Division 'C' are shrouded
+    in mystery?"</p>
+
+    <p>"They are," returned the Chief of the Staff, saluting. "It
+    is presumed that the commander is wandering somewhere near the
+    frontier. A spy from his Army says that he had entirely lost
+    touch of the country, and was continually asking his way. But
+    how about our friends, the remainder of our Army, who are now
+    approaching towards us? What shall we do?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Give them a fitting reception," was my reply.</p>
+
+    <p>In a moment our Army halted and pitched their tents.
+    Accustomed to State functions of every sort and description, it
+    was no difficult matter to them to decorate the line of march
+    appropriately. Suddenly there was the sound of firing, and five
+    minutes later an officer wearing the uniform of the enemy
+    entered my tent and surrendered his sword.</p>
+
+    <p>"General," said he, "I yield to your superior knowledge of
+    military tactics. I had expected to find friends, and now I
+    have come across foes. And you number more than half a million
+    of men, do you not?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, no; you may mean my brother commander, who has that
+    force under his orders. But we have only about twenty
+    thousand."</p>
+
+    <p>"And I have given up my arms for nothing," said my
+    visitor.</p>
+
+    <p>"To whom have I the honour of speaking?" I asked, haughtily.
+    "I presume, the Captain of the 'A' Division?"</p>
+
+    <p>"The 'A' Division! Why, they are miles away! and so are the
+    'B' Division."</p>
+
+    <p>"Then, who on earth are you?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, surely you know we are the 'C' Division?"</p>
+
+    <p>At this moment the Chief of my Staff again appeared. "Sir,"
+    said he, "are we to advance or retire? I must know at once,
+    with a view to arranging satisfactorily the requirements of the
+    Commissariat."</p>
+
+    <p>"One moment, Gentlemen," I replied, and then entered an
+    inner recess. I searched my pockets, and finding my tossing
+    half-crown, spun it into the air. I eagerly ascertained the
+    result.</p>
+
+    <p>"We will advance, Sir," said I to the Chief of the Staff on
+    my return. And my tone suggested both strong determination and
+    peremptory command.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LULLABY OF AN INFANT SPECULATOR.</h2>
+
+    <h3>1891.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A long way after Sir Walter Scott.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[Packets called "Lucky Sweets," in which the bait is the
+        chance of "prize gifts," are having a large sale amongst
+        children.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/221-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-2.png"
+             alt="An infant speculator." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, hush thee, my babie! thy sire is a
+            "bear,"<a id="footnotetag1"
+               name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p>
+
+            <p>Thy mother a "booky," both leary and fair,</p>
+
+            <p>And the spirit of bold Speculation, I see,</p>
+
+            <p>Heredity's taint hath stirred early in thee.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one! Heigh! dance,
+            babie, dance!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the
+            off-chance!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, hear not thy rattle, though loudly it goes;</p>
+
+            <p>Oh, suck not thy fingers! Oh, count not thy
+            toes!</p>
+
+            <p>The "Last Odds" and "Share List" to thee shall be
+            read</p>
+
+            <p>To-night ere thou'rt cosily tucked up in bed.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, hush thee, my babie! Thy sire will soon
+            come,</p>
+
+            <p>With "Surprise Packets" for thee. Oh, ain't it
+            yum-yum?</p>
+
+            <p>And "Lucky Sweets," babie, will catch thine off
+            eye.</p>
+
+            <p>Not "Hush-a-bye, babie!" but rather, "Buy! Buy!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My lullaby, babie, 's not that of old nurse;</p>
+
+            <p>The pillow for thee has less charms than the
+            purse;</p>
+
+            <p>It is not that "Sweets" from those packets you'd
+            suck;</p>
+
+            <p>No, babie, your yearning's to try your young
+            luck.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You eagerly buy them, the "Prizes" to seek</p>
+
+            <p>(You "blued" two-and-tenpence, my babie, last
+            week),</p>
+
+            <p>Those "Lucky Sweets," babie, are babydom's
+            "play."</p>
+
+            <p>But as for the sweets, why you chuck <i>them</i>
+            away!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, princes may "punt," babie; nobles may
+            "plunge,"</p>
+
+            <p>But, babie, that chubby fist's cynical lunge</p>
+
+            <p>Means craving for nothing that babyhood
+            <i>eats</i>:</p>
+
+            <p>No, babie, you'd fain do a "flutter" in sweets.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The tuck-shops, my babie, are well up to date;</p>
+
+            <p>They know Speculation now rules the whole State;</p>
+
+            <p>It sways all the classes, all ages, each sex;</p>
+
+            <p>So now we're provided with "Nursery Specs."</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Shall Court, Camp and Counter all yield to the
+            spell</p>
+
+            <p>And Cradledom not be considered as well?</p>
+
+            <p>Shall betting fire Oxford, and gambling witch
+            Girton,</p>
+
+            <p>And Infancy not put its own little shirt on?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one, bar one, &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, hush thee, my babie! the time will soon come</p>
+
+            <p>When at Baccarat boards you'll sit sucking your
+            thumb.</p>
+
+            <p>Meanwhile "Lucky Sweets," babie, buy while you
+            may,</p>
+
+            <p>They will teach simple childhood the charms of high
+            play.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, two to one, bar one! Heigh! dance,
+            babie, dance!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the
+            off-chance!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote1"
+                    name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b>
+                    <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a>
+
+        <p>In the Stock Exchange sense, of course.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page222"
+       id="page222"></a>[pg 222]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/222.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/222.png"
+             alt="A DOMESTIC DIAGNOSIS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A DOMESTIC DIAGNOSIS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>who has come with his Wife to call on
+        the new Neighbours</i>). "WONDER IF THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED
+        LONG, HYPATIA?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. Jones.</i> "OH NO. EVIDENTLY NEWLY-MARRIED."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Jones.</i> "HOW CAN YOU TELL?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. Jones.</i> "DRAWING-ROOM SMELLS OF
+        TOBACCO-SMOKE!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>An Old-fashioned Apologue with a Modern
+    Application.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>GRANDOLH and ARTHUR were two young Apprentices, bound
+    betimes to the ingenious and estimable Art or Craft of
+    <i>Cabinet-Making</i>. Both of them were youths of a Sprightly
+    Genius, and of an Alert Apprehension, attended, in the case of
+    GRANDOLPH, with a mighty heat and ebullition of Fancy, which
+    led early to a certain frothiness or ventosity in speech.
+    ARTHUR, on the other hand, though possessed of excellent Parts,
+    appeared to be of a more phlegmatic temperament, and took on a
+    more languorous, not to say saturnine demeanour.</p>
+
+    <p>So it came about that for the time GRANDOLPH seemed to carry
+    it over his fellow Apprentice, who indeed, amongst superficial
+    observers, incurred the reproach of indolence and lackadaisical
+    indifference, and although both were of creditable repute in
+    the <i>Craft</i>, yet did GRANDOLPH shine the more prominently
+    and give the greater promise of pre-eminence, ARTHUR seeming
+    content, as men say, to <i>play second fiddle</i> to the more
+    pushing Performer.</p>
+
+    <p>'Tis, however, within the purview of the Wise and the common
+    observation of the Judicious, that <i>things are not always as
+    they seem!</i></p>
+
+    <p>GRANDOLPH, at an early epoch in his Apprenticeship, did
+    found a sort of Comradeny or Free Company, which, from the
+    number of its constituent items, came to be intituled <i>The
+    Fourth Party</i>, in the which ARTHUR modestly took subordinate
+    place, with unobtrusive ease and languid resignation. This
+    Party did push matters in the <i>Craft</i> with a high hand and
+    a talkative tongue. For as the ingenious Earl of SHAFTESBURY
+    saith in his <i>Soliloquy</i>, "Company is an extreme
+    provocative to Fancy, and, like a hot bed in gardening, is apt
+    to make our Imaginations sprout too fast."</p>
+
+    <p>That GRANDOLPH was obnoxious to this charge of "sprouting
+    too fast" may seem made manifest by the sequel. He indeed
+    pushed himself into the front place by dint of copious
+    verbosity, and militant oppugnancy. But (as the same
+    SHAFTESBURY saith) where, instead of Controul, Debate, or
+    Argument, the chief exercise of the wit consists in
+    uncontroulable Harangues and Reasonings, which must neither be
+    questioned nor contradicted; there is great danger lest the
+    Party, thro' this habit, shou'd suffer much by Cruditys,
+    Indigestions, Choler, bile, and particularly by a certain
+    <i>tumour</i>, or <i>flatulency</i>, which renders him, of all
+    men, the least liable to apply the wholesome <i>regimen</i> of
+    self-practice. 'Tis no wonder if such quaint practitioners grow
+    to an enormous size of Absurdity, whilst they continue the
+    reverse of that practice, by which alone we correct the
+    Redundancy of Humours, and chasten the exuberance of Conceit
+    and Fancy.</p>
+
+    <p>Whether this particular "quaint practitioner" (our Idle
+    Apprentice, GRANDOLPH) plagued "the Party" too much with his
+    "Cruditys, Choler," &amp;c., or whether he found himself unable
+    to correct his own "Redundancy of Humours," certain it is that,
+    at the very Pinnacle of Promise, and Height of Achievement,
+    GRANDOLPH broke his indentures of Apprenticeship, and <i>ran
+    away!</i></p>
+
+    <p>And now, indeed, came the Opportunity of the true
+    Industrious Apprentice, the hitherto calm and languid-looking,
+    but, in verity, valorous, and vigilant, and virile ARTHTUR.
+    Whereof, to be sure, he made abundant use, burgeoning forth
+    into full blossom with astonishing suddenness, seizing
+    Opportunity by the forelock with manly promptitude, and gaining
+    golden opinions from all sorts of people; so that, after brief
+    probation, he slipped, by general acclaim, into that very
+    premier place so strangely, suddenly, and intempestively
+    abdicated by the Idle Apprentice, GRANDOLPH.</p>
+
+    <p>Concerning the latter, the latest reports are not
+    reassuring. Like his celebrated prototype of fable, the
+    ill-fated "Don't Care," he runneth a chance of being "devoured
+    by lions"! At least he appears to have sought the company of
+    those parlous beasts in their <i>native Afric wilds</i>. We
+    hear that "the lions kept him tucked up one night," which same
+    news (&mdash;gathered from a diurnal intituled the Johannesberg
+    <i>Star</i>&mdash;) hath a fearsome and ill-boding sound. That
+    he is&mdash;for the time at least&mdash;in every sense "tucked
+    up," is only too obviously true. Peradventure he may yet think
+    the better of it, correct his Frothy Distemper and Vagrant
+    Disposition, and (as the agonising advertisements have it)
+    return to his friends that all may be forgiven and much
+    forgotten!</p>
+
+    <p>But the last accounts of him picture him as lying languidly
+    asprawl <span class="pagenum"><a name="page223"
+       id="page223"></a>[pg 223]</span> upon a Mausoleum in
+       Mashonaland, <i>playing dice with himself!</i> The tomb
+       would indeed appear to be, in the sombre words of the
+       Mystick Poet:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"The vault of his lost Ulalume,"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>the runic-sounding word, "Ulalume," being taken perchance as
+    the African synonym for "Reputation." Whether the cheering word
+    <i>Resurgam</i> will ever be appropriate to <i>that</i> Tomb
+    remaineth to be seen. But it would appear only too plain that
+    GRANDOLPH (in the words of the aforesaid SHAFTESBURY) "hath
+    been a great frequenter of the woods and river-banks, where he
+    hath consum'd abundance of his breath, suffer'd his Fancy to
+    evaporate, and reduc'd the vehemence both of his Spirit and
+    Voice." In short, that the erst ambitious and aspiring
+    GRANDOLPH is still content, for the time at least, to play the
+    part of <i>The Idle Apprentice</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/223.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/223.png"
+             alt="THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE.</h3>(<i>A long
+        way after Hogarth.</i>)
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page225"
+       id="page225"></a>[pg 225]</span>
+
+    <h2>"WHYS"&mdash;WISE AND OTHERWISE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Being Queer Queries.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:17%;">
+        <a href="images/225-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/225-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I wonder why, whene'er a four-</p>
+
+            <p>Wheeler advances to a door,</p>
+
+            <p>(A common thing on Britain's shore,)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder why,</p>
+
+            <p>At once some aged man will stand</p>
+
+            <p>And stare until its inmates land,</p>
+
+            <p>As if enchained by something grand,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or weird, or high.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I wonder why the powers that mend</p>
+
+            <p>The streets should root them up, and rend</p>
+
+            <p>The roads with giant pipes on end</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And bricks awry,</p>
+
+            <p>Just when we turn to town again;</p>
+
+            <p>Though nothing stirred while West Cockayne</p>
+
+            <p>Lay waste&mdash;a huge, deserted lane&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder why.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I wonder why athwart the Row</p>
+
+            <p>Stray loafers linger, loth to go</p>
+
+            <p>Past the mid-crossing, and are so</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Resolved to die,</p>
+
+            <p>Hoping that, as you gallop near</p>
+
+            <p>You'll maul them by your mad career&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder why.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I wonder why, when theatre Stalls,</p>
+
+            <p>Are "papered" by Professionals,</p>
+
+            <p>And children arch in Thespis' halls</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Their gambols ply,</p>
+
+            <p>Why the Box-office has the face</p>
+
+            <p>To offer <i>me</i>, who book place&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>A Stall that would the Pit disgrace,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder why.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I wonder why, whenever pressed</p>
+
+            <p>A little money to invest</p>
+
+            <p>In something which is quite the best</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Affair to buy,</p>
+
+            <p>I <i>always</i> read next morning that</p>
+
+            <p>Not <i>I</i>, but it (in parlance pat</p>
+
+            <p>Of City articles) was "Flat,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder why.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Contribution towards Nursery Rhymes.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>For Use of Infant Students in New School of Dramatic
+    Art.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis the voice of the Prompter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I hear him quite plain;</p>
+
+            <p>He has prompted me twice,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Let him prompt me again.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE PRETTY SIMPLETON.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[The <i>Spectator</i> warns men against marrying
+        simpletons, pointing out that "there is no bore on earth
+        equal to the woman who can neither talk nor listen, and who
+        has no mental interests in common with her husband."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/225-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/225-2.png"
+             alt="The Pretty Simpleton." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When fair BELINDA sweetly smiles,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And airily before you trips,</p>
+
+            <p>You're captured by her artless wiles,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And must admire her rosy lips.</p>
+
+            <p>You know that she is very fair,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You see that she has splendid eyes;</p>
+
+            <p>But ah, rash lover, have a care,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And find out if BELINDA's wise.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For beauty, trust us, is not all</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A wife in these days should possess;</p>
+
+            <p>Her conversation's apt to pall,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If she can talk of naught but dress.</p>
+
+            <p>She need not be too deeply read,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You do not want a priggish bride;</p>
+
+            <p>But still take care the pretty head</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Can boast some little brain inside.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In courtship all she said was sweet,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For you had died to win a glance;</p>
+
+            <p>Her little platitudes seemed neat,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Breathed 'mid the pauses of the
+            dance.</p>
+
+            <p>You would have felt a heartless fiend</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To criticise, when by her side;</p>
+
+            <p>Nor would the lady have demeaned</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Herself to answer, had you tried.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But when you've won her for a wife,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And ante-nuptial glamour dies,</p>
+
+            <p>What food for matrimonial strife</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her crass inconsequent replies.</p>
+
+            <p>How terrible to find her dense,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And never grasping what you mean;</p>
+
+            <p>You'll think one gleam of common sense</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Worth more than finest eyes e'er
+            seen.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Days come when love no longer gives</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Illusions as in hours of yore;</p>
+
+            <p>And hapless is the man who lives</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To find his wife become a bore.</p>
+
+            <p>Then keep, if you'd avoid that day,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The wise <i>Spectator's</i> golden
+            rule:</p>
+
+            <p>Don't be by beauty led away,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And choose for wife a pretty fool.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>In the <i>Times'</i> book advertisement column, the S.P.C.K.
+    announces the following new publication:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>THE OUSE. By the Rev. A.J. FOSTER, M.A.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This, we suppose, is the first of a new unaspirated ARRY
+    SERIES. The next Volume being <i>The Ome</i>, and, after that,
+    <i>Books of Ighgate, Amsted, Olloway, and other Ills</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/225-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/225-3.png"
+             alt="The Baron de Book-Worms." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The Baron recognises, with pleasure, the actuality of the
+    dramatic scenes <i>In Cambridge Courts</i>, by Mr. LEHMANN. The
+    dialogues during rehearsal at the A.D.C., and of the Classic
+    Play, are about the best of the many best things in the book.
+    Mightily disappointed is the Baron with Mr. J.H. SHORTHOUSE's
+    <i>Lady Falaise</i>, which, beginning so strongly, ends so
+    feebly. Powerful it promised to be; exciting it promised to be;
+    but weak it becomes, and, now and again, wearisome. Sorry for
+    this is</p>
+
+    <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>QUERIES FOR CANDIDATES (L.C.C.)</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>What they may come to.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>As the County Council now has power over the Tramways of
+    London, will you pledge yourself to see that smoking carriages,
+    comfortable cushions, waiting-rooms at street-corners, and
+    constant civility, are provided for passengers?</p>
+
+    <p>Will you abolish the irritating and nefarious Ticket
+    System?</p>
+
+    <p>How long do you think it will be before the electric light
+    is universally established in the cars?</p>
+
+    <p>What is your view as to the provision of suitable places for
+    wet umbrellas?</p>
+
+    <p>Will you at once vote for "Free or Assisted Locomotion"?</p>
+
+    <p>If a wheel of your private carriage comes off owing to
+    skidding in the Tramway line, will you pledge yourself not to
+    bring any claim for compensation against the Rates?</p>
+
+    <p>Will you vote for the summary dismissal of any Conductor who
+    proceeds to count the passengers after being informed that he
+    is "full inside"?</p>
+
+    <p>Is it a fact that you have promised to introduce "Pullman
+    Palace Restaurant Cars, with free lunches," on the Tram-lines?
+    If so, do you contemplate providing the cost out of your own
+    resources, or how?</p>
+
+    <p>You state in your Address to the Electors that you "are
+    desirous of reducing the hours of Tram <i>employés</i> to four
+    a day, with two months' holiday in the year, and of giving a
+    general rise of wages up to about £2 extra per week." Will you
+    kindly say how you reconcile this desire with your expressed
+    intention to "run the concern on the most economical plan, so
+    as to save the pockets of the Ratepayers"?</p>
+
+    <p>It is reported that you have pledged yourself, if elected,
+    to see that the Tram Conductors "get their Saturday to Monday
+    at Brighton as a regular thing." How do you propose to carry
+    out this part of your programme?</p>
+
+    <p>Do you consider yourself justified, in face of the above
+    statements, in characterising the rival Candidate for the
+    Council as "attempting to catch the Labour Vote by an impudent
+    combination of insincere flattery, and fraudulent
+    promises"?</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page226"
+       id="page226"></a>[pg 226]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/226.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/226.png"
+             alt="MR. PUNCH ON TOUR. A REMINISCENCE OF THE RYDE SEASON." />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>MR. PUNCH ON TOUR. A REMINISCENCE OF THE RYDE
+        SEASON.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page227"
+       id="page227"></a>[pg 227]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/227.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/227.png"
+             alt="A RECOMMENDATION." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A RECOMMENDATION.</h3><i>Dealer</i>. "NOW THERE'S
+        HACTION FOR YOU, SIR! PUTS HER FEET DOWN AS IF SHE WAS A
+        STEPPIN' ON HEGGSHELLS, DON'T SHE, SIR?"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"BELOW THE BELT!"</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Extracts from the Political "Fistiana" of the
+    Period.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h4>I.&mdash;<i>By the "Brummagem Bantam" (as reported in the
+    "Injudicious Bottleholder").</i></h4>
+
+    <p>"The 'Arwarden Old 'Un, Gemmen? Lor bless yer, <i>he</i>
+    ain't no account, nohow. Can't 'it a 'ole in a pound o' butter,
+    <i>'e</i> can't. Allus <i>was</i> a muff and a muddler;
+    middling showy style, and a bit dodgy with his dooks, but
+    neither a slogger <i>nor</i> a stayer, and, atween you and me
+    and the post, allus ready to hist the white feather when 'ard
+    pressed. Wot's that you say? <i>His</i> 'Travelling Company'? A
+    reglar swindle, and a fair frost, Gemmen. Went 'round the
+    country' on false purtences, and never did no good nowheres.
+    Awful poor lot o' Pugs, <i>that</i> gang. Not in it with the
+    ''Atfield Combination Troupe,' as <i>can</i> fight a bit, and
+    'as some smart scrappers in it. No, Gemmen, the 'Old 'Un'
+    <i>allus were</i> a fraud. Couldn't stand up to a Froggy,
+    <i>'e</i> couldn't. His Company muddled the 'ole bag o' tricks,
+    and made a hawful mess of it. Ah, and <i>would</i> agen, mark
+    yer, if they got the chance. Should a'most like to see 'em
+    <i>'ave</i> another shy, if only for the bloomin' fun o' the
+    thing; but it 'ud be a bit too expensive, and bring discredit
+    on our Noble Hart, besides."</p>
+
+    <p>(<i>Comments of the I.B.H. "Brayco, Brummagem Bantam! His
+    style of hitting is straight and smart, in the ring or out of
+    it. Hope the over-rated Hawardian Old 'Un and his Company
+    relish the pepper young JOE has administered to the shifty
+    Veteran and his parasitic 'Items'!"</i>)</p>
+
+    <h4>II.&mdash;<i>From the "Newcastle Nobbler," alias "Honest
+    JOHN."</i></h4>
+
+    <p>"Werry much surprised to see as that windictive Bounder, the
+    'Brummagem Bantam,' has bin a letting out wicious like at his
+    old pals, the 'Arwarden Old 'Un and his Pugilistic Company.
+    '<i>They</i> was muffs and muddlers,' he sez. Well, he ought to
+    ha' said 'we,' considerin' as <i>he wos one on 'em</i>!!! The
+    Old 'Un was his first patron, and me and other members of the
+    Company his pertikler pals, and <i>then</i> he used for to
+    crack us all up sky-high. <i>Now</i> he rounds on us for
+    'making a mess of it.' Well, praps if <i>all</i> wos
+    knowed&mdash;but no matter! Only, to quarrel with your old
+    pals, and then go about a-sneerin' and a-jeerin' at them for
+    wot you yerself wos a party to, <i>I</i> call 'hitting below
+    the belt'"!</p>
+
+    <p>(<i>Comments of the I.B.H. "Bosh! 'Honest JOHN' is a shrew,
+    and not a Practical Pug. Is one prizefighter never to criticise
+    another's style because he's once been in the same Company with
+    him? Might as well say he must therefore never improve his own
+    style. Besides, any stick is good enough to beat the Grand Old
+    Pug-dog with!"</i>)</p>
+
+    <h4>III.&mdash;<i>Rejoinder of the "Brummagem Bantam."</i></h4>
+
+    <p>"'Itting below the belt be jolly well blowed! Honest JOHN
+    don't believe a word 'e sez&mdash;it's ony his narsty spite.
+    Makes hisself the wiaduck for the 'Arwarden Gang's witrol and
+    winegar, <i>e</i>' do. In course I wos one o' the Old 'Un's
+    Company, wus luck! But I've larned a bit since then. Wot do
+    <i>you</i> think? When I larruped my old pals, and called 'em
+    mugs, messers, and muddlers, in corse I included myself,
+    tacit-like. <i>But there was no call for to say so!</i> As to
+    not showing of 'em up acos I wos one of
+    'em&mdash;Wal<i>ker</i>!!! If <i>that's</i> the Newcastle
+    Nobbler's 'theory' of fair-play, 'e may jest go 'ome and eat
+    coke!"</p>
+
+    <p>(<i>Comments of the I.B.H. "The B.B. is quite right. If a
+    Pug may not round on his old pals for doing what he helped them
+    to do, it follows that he himself must never try to do better.
+    Which is absurd! Go it, JOE!"</i>)</p>
+
+    <h4>IV.&mdash;<i>Surrejoinder from "Honest JOHN."</i></h4>
+
+    <p>"My 'theory' ain't a bit wot the B.B. says it is. My
+    'theory' is that it's mean, and unfair, and unperfessional to
+    curry favour with one's present backers by 'olding hup one's
+    old pals to public redicule for doing wot we 'elped 'em to do,
+    and at the time praised 'em <i>for</i> doin'. I call that
+    'hitting below the belt!' And I believe every 'onest and manly
+    Pug from FIGG to SAYERS would ha' said ditter to ''Onest JOHN.'
+    That's all, Gemmen!"</p>
+
+    <p>(<i>Comment of the I.B.H. "Bosh! JOE's style of hitting is
+    no doubt uncomfortable&mdash;for the Old 'Un and his pals.
+    THAT'S EXACTLY WHY WE LIKE IT! What's the use of hitting above
+    the belt only when the foe's only vulnerable below it? We
+    rejoice to see the B.B. knocking the sawdust out of the Grand
+    Old Fistic Fetish, and squelching the cant and claptrap out of
+    'Honest JOHN.'"</i>)</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page228"
+       id="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span>
+
+    <h2>STORICULES.</h2>
+
+    <h3>VII.&mdash;GAZEY.</h3>
+
+    <p>"You're the fust pineter whort I've knowed," said JULIA
+    SANBY, demurely. "Father works at a plumber's, but 'e ain't
+    industr'us. 'E ain't a good man. An' mother drinks. Orful!"</p>
+
+    <p>JULIA SANBY had consented, in consideration of money
+    received, to let me make a sketch of her. She was a tall thin
+    child, with a dirty and very intelligent face, great grey eyes,
+    and long reddish hair. She was very bright and talkative; and
+    yet she amazed me by being distinctly sanctimonious. She looked
+    critically round my studio on her entrance.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/228-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/228-1.png"
+             alt="Gazey." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"You ain't got no tex' 'ung up," she remarked,
+    disparagingly. "We 'as two tex' in our kitching. I 'ung 'em up
+    myself. An' father beat me for it. But I didn't keer, 'cos I
+    knew I wos doin' good."</p>
+
+    <p>She pressed her thin lips together, and looked like a
+    mangled martyr.</p>
+
+    <p>"Do you go to Sunday School?" I asked, as I got to work.</p>
+
+    <p>"I goes reggler, an' I'm first in the School, and I knows
+    more colics than any of 'em, excep' teachers. I ain't like
+    GAZEY."</p>
+
+    <p>"Who's GAZEY?"</p>
+
+    <p>"She's a girl what I 'ites. She's a bad girl. We calls 'er
+    GAZEY, 'cos it's short for GEHAZI; but that ain't 'er real
+    nime. She's a liar. She's allus tellin' lies&mdash;seems as if
+    she couldn't storp doin' it." JULIA SANBY sighed sadly.</p>
+
+    <p>"What kind of lies?"</p>
+
+    <p>"She don't tell no lies to get 'erself out of nothin'; 'cos
+    she's so bad that she don't keer whort rows she gets inter. But
+    she tells other sorts. She just sits up on the fence what goes
+    roun' the green, an' mikes up things, an' a lot of the children
+    ain't got no more sense than to sit roun' an' listen to 'er.
+    That just mikes 'er worse. She sits theer, a-tellin' stories,
+    an' sweerin' they're all true. You never 'eard such
+    stories."</p>
+
+    <p>"What are they all about?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Mostly about gran' things an' wunnerful things&mdash;kings,
+    an' carridges, an' angels, an' firewux, an' dreams what she
+    says she's 'ad. An' she'll sweer they're true. My word, it is
+    wicked of 'er! She's allus pretennin' to be things what she
+    ain't, too. One Sat'dy arf'noon she said she was a steam-injun.
+    An' she got 'old of a little boy, BOB COLLINGS, and said 'e was
+    the tender. An' BOB COLLINGS 'ad to foller close be'ind 'er all
+    that arf'noon, else she'd a' nigh killed 'im. 'E got rather
+    tired, because she kept runnin' about, bein' a express an'
+    'avin' cerlishuns. Lawst of all she wived 'er awms about, and
+    mide a kind o' whooshin' noise. 'Now,' she said, 'my biler's
+    bust, an' I'm done for!' So she lay flat on the wet groun', an'
+    the tender went 'ome to 'is tea."</p>
+
+    <p>"What's she like to look at?"</p>
+
+    <p>JULIA SANBY confessed, with apparent reluctance, that GAZEY
+    was very pretty. "She's prettier nor I am, nor any of the other
+    childrun roun' 'ere. She's got golding 'air, an' blue eyes. But
+    I 'ite 'er, 'cos she's so bad, an' 'cos she mikes the other
+    children bad. I don't never listen to none of 'er mike-ups
+    now."</p>
+
+    <p>"Would she let me make a sketch of her?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Dunno. You wouldn't like 'er. She's low in the wye she
+    talks. The new curick don't like 'er. Nobody don't like
+    'er."</p>
+
+    <p>Now, just in this sentence, I fancied that the
+    sanctimoniousness of JULIA SANBY had become mixed with some
+    real feeling. I also reflected on the fact that, although most
+    children are egoists, JULIA SANBY seemed to take more pleasure
+    in talking about GAZEY than in discussing herself. I had
+    distinct suspicions.</p>
+
+    <p>"Could you remember any of GAZEY's stories?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Might, p'raps."</p>
+
+    <p>"Go on, then. Tell me one."</p>
+
+    <p>She began a story, which was obviously an improvisation,
+    with little incidents taken from other stories added to it. It
+    was full of the wildest imaginings. She told it without the
+    least nervousness or embarrassment. Her assumption of
+    demureness and sanctity vanished utterly. She became vivid and
+    dramatic. "An' I'd tike my gorspil oath it's all true," she
+    added, at the conclusion, as if from force of habit.</p>
+
+    <p>"JULIA SANBY," I said, "GAZEY has not got golden hair nor
+    blue eyes, neither is she pretty. <i>You</i> are GAZEY."</p>
+
+    <p>"I swear I ain't. I'm a good girl, and knows my colics;
+    GAZEY's something orful."</p>
+
+    <p>"Very well," I answered, and went on finishing the sketch,
+    as though I took no interest in her. After a few seconds'
+    silence, she added, quite calmly,</p>
+
+    <p>"Owdjer know? I can pretend proper, cawn't I? But I 'adn't
+    never talked about myself as if I was someone else afore. That
+    pickshur ain't much like me."</p>
+
+    <p>"It will be when it's finished. Come to-morrow at the same
+    time."</p>
+
+    <p>"Do you think I'm a liar?"</p>
+
+    <p>"You're either a liar or an artist, but I'm not sure
+    which."</p>
+
+    <p>GAZEY put on her exceedingly frowsy hat. "The new curick
+    needn't a bin so cock-sure about it then. G'mornin'."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE LATEST FROM BOBBY.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>An intercepted Letter.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Schoolhouse, Swishborough.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Thursday.</i></p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/228-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/228-2.png"
+             alt="Bobby." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>DEAREST DARLING MOTHER,</p>
+
+    <p>I was so glad to get the hamper, and it has done me much
+    good, all the fellows were pleased with the cake, and the
+    sardines were first-rate, and the potted stuffs were awfully
+    good. I am sorry you forgot the bottles of acidulated drops,
+    but you can send them in the next hamper as soon as you like.
+    There are only sixty-two days to the holidays&mdash;1688 hours
+    including nights! Isn't that jolly!</p>
+
+    <p>And now, my dear Mother, I want to write most seriously to
+    you upon a matter of great importance. You know I have been
+    doing "Music" as an "extra." Well, it does not agree with me.
+    The fact is, it is an hour every week in my playtime, when the
+    Doctor says it is good for my health that I should be enjoying
+    myself. And "Music" is an extra, like "Sausages for breakfast."
+    And, of course, one has to think of all that. How hard dear
+    Papa works to get his living; and, of course, I oughtn't to
+    waste anything, ought I? Well, I really think I could give up
+    "Music." After all, it's awful rot, and only fit for a pack of
+    girls! So this is the great favour I'm going to ask
+    you&mdash;and mind you say "Yes." May I give up "Music," and
+    take up "Sausages for breakfast" instead?</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Always your most loving Son, BOBBY.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>IF THE FASHION SPREADS.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>Interior of a Fashionable Church. The</i>
+        Incumbent <i>has read the Banns of Marriage between</i>
+        JOHN PLANTAGENET DE SMITH <i>and</i> MARY STUART DE BROWN,
+        <i>and asks the usual question.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Counsel</i> (<i>rising in pew</i>). I beg to object.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Incumbent</i> (<i>surprised, but self-possessed</i>). You
+    will be good enough to communicate with us in the Vestry, at
+    the end of the service,</p>
+
+    <p><i>Counsel</i>. But I prefer to raise my objections at once.
+    I may say, Reverend Sir, that I am here on behalf of Mr. JOHN
+    PLANTAGENET DE SMITH, who is my client. I am instructed by the
+    Messrs. CAPIAS of Bedford Row, and I contend that since the
+    Members of the London County Council have instructed counsel to
+    appear on their behalf at meetings in which they themselves act
+    judicially, the right extends to Places of Public Worship.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Incumbent</i>. Perhaps we might hear you later. If you
+    were kind enough to raise your objections in the Vestry, it
+    would be&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Counsel</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Pardon me, that would
+    scarcely be satisfactory. We do not wish any hole-and-corner
+    agitation. I am instructed by my client to say, that he courts
+    the fullest investigation. Now, the facts are these:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Gives the facts, and ends an eloquent speech with a
+        magnificent peroration.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Incumbent</i>. In consequence of the rather long argument
+    of our dear and learned brother, the customary quarter of an
+    hour's sermon will not be given on this occasion.
+    [<i>Curtain.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>AL FRESCO OPERA.&mdash;<i>Cavalleria Rusticana</i> at the
+    Royal Shaftesbury, and <i>Le Rêve</i> in the Winter (Covent)
+    Garden kept by Ex-Sheriff DRURIOLANUS. "About the latter," says
+    Sir DRURIOLANUS, "some enthusiasts quite <i>rave</i>. See?"
+    (<i>Exit Ex-Sheriff, to note this down for the forthcoming
+    Pantomime.</i>)</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, November 7, 1891, by Various
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1760 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101,
+November 7, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 7, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 17, 2004 [EBook #14067]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+November 7, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+ONLY FANCY!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We learn by telegraph from Berlin that some uneasiness exists in that
+capital owing to demonstrations made by the photographists and artists
+in plaster-of-Paris, who have been accustomed to reproduce likenesses
+and busts of His Imperial Majesty. They complain that, owing to a
+measure of uncertainty about the EMPEROR's personal appearance from
+day to day, they have large stocks thrown on their hands, and are
+reduced to a condition approaching bankruptcy. The crisis has been
+precipitated by the circumstance that, just when the combined trades,
+recovering from their first disaster, had produced a Christmas stock
+of portraits and busts, showing His Majesty with a beard, he shaved
+it off, and once more they have their goods returned on their hands.
+Prussian 31/2 per Cents. have fallen to 83-85.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS read in the _Times_ that Signor LAGO
+had been granted the QUEEN's permission to prefix "Royal" to his opera
+entertainment at the Shaftesbury Theatre, it gave him so great a shock
+that, but for the opportune ("opera-tune," Sir AUGUSTUS jocosely put
+it) arrival of Dr. ROBSON ROUSTEM PASHA, the shock might have had a
+serious effect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On Monday last, at half-past three, the King of SPAIN cut a new tooth,
+His Majesty's seventh acquisition in this class of property. The happy
+event was celebrated by a salute of seventeen guns.
+
+"What's that?" asked His Majesty, awakened by the roar from his
+siesta.
+
+"Sire," said the Field-Marshal commanding the troops, bringing his
+trusty Toledo to the salute, "your Majesty has condescended to cut a
+tooth."
+
+"That's all very well to begin with," said the King; "but, when I grow
+a little older, I mean to cut a dash."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Previous to the appointment of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR, much speculation
+was indulged in as to the succession to the Leadership of the House of
+Commons. In Conservative circles there was an almost universal desire
+to see the place filled by a noble Baron well-known for the assiduity
+with which he arrives in town to transact business in Bouverie Street,
+returning to his country seat the same evening.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+During the interval after it had been made known that the Leadership
+of the House of Commons had been offered to Mr. BALFOUR, and whilst
+his decision was anxiously awaited, Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT was asked
+whether he thought the Chief Secretary would take the place.
+
+"Who can say, TOBY _mio_?" answered the Squire, stroking his chin,
+with a far-away glance. "The situation reminds me of an incident that
+came under my notice when I represented Oxford borough. One of my
+constituents, a worthy pastor, had had a call to another and much
+wealthier church. He asked for time to consider the proposal. One
+afternoon, a fortnight later, I met his son in High Street, and
+inquired whether his father had decided to take the new place. 'Well,'
+said the youngster, 'Pa is still praying for light, but most of the
+things are packed.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We understand that an innovation will be introduced at Guildhall on
+the occasion of the Lord MAYOR's dinner. The Lord MAYOR elect being
+a Welshman, intends to substitute the leek for the loving cup. At
+the stage of the festival where the loving cup usually goes round, a
+dish of leeks will be passed along, and every guest will be expected
+publicly to eat one. This will necessitate an alteration in the
+time-honoured formula of the Toastmaster. On the 9th of November it
+will run: "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Right Hon. the Lord
+MAYOR pledges you with a loving leek, and bids you HALL a 'arty
+welcome."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.
+
+(_BY CROESUS._)
+
+    [_Mr. Punch_ has decided that it is absolutely necessary
+    for him to publish every week a financial article. The best
+    treatises on Political Economy lay it down as an axiom
+    that, where the desire for acquisition is universal, and the
+    standard of value absolute, a balance between gain and loss
+    can only be reached by the mathematical adjustment of _meum_
+    and _tuum_. Acting upon this principle, _Mr. Punch_ has, in
+    the interests of everybody, retained the services of one of
+    the most, if not _the_ most, eminent contemporary financiers,
+    whom modesty alone prevents from signing his own name to his
+    benevolent and comprehensive articles. Those, however, who
+    care to look beneath the surface, will have no difficulty
+    in determining the identity of one of the greatest modern
+    monetary authorities, a man whose nod has before this
+    shattered prosperous empires, and whose word is even better
+    than his bond, could such a thing be possible. _Mr. Punch_ has
+    only one thing to say to those who desire to be rich. It is
+    this. Follow implicitly the advice of CROESUS.]
+
+SIR,--You have asked me to devote some of my spare time to the
+enlightenment of your readers on matters connected with the
+money-markets of the world. The request is an easy one to make. You
+talk of spare time, as if the man who controlled millions of money,
+and could _at any moment_ put all the Directors of the Bank of England
+in his waistcoat pocket, had absolutely nothing to do except to devote
+himself to the affairs of other people. Such a man has no leisure.
+When he is not engaged in launching loans, or in admitting to an
+audience the Prime Ministers of peoples rightly struggling to free
+themselves from debt by adding largely to their public liabilities,
+when, I say, he is not thusly or otherwisely engaged, his mind must
+still busy itself with the details of all the immense concerns over
+which he, more or less, presides. However, I am willing to make an
+exception in your case, and to impart to you the ripe fruits of an
+experience which has no parallel in any country of the habitable
+globe. Without, therefore, cutting any more time to waste, I begin.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+(1.) _Mines_.--There can be no doubt that in this department a largely
+increased activity may soon be expected. I am aware that in "Shafts"
+there has been a downward tendency; but I am assured by the Secretary
+of the "Dodja Plant Co." (191/2, 6/8, 54.21/2, 7/8), that the prospects
+of this branch of investment were never more brilliant. The latest
+report of the Mining Expert sent out to investigate this mine, runs
+as follows:--
+
+"I have now been three days in the interior of the Dodja Plant. I can
+confidently state that I found no water, though there was evidence of
+large deposits of salt, which could be worked at an immense profit.
+The gold is abundant. I have crushed ten tons of quartz _with my own
+hands_, and found the yield in florins extraordinary. The natives
+guard the mouth of the mine. Please relieve promptly. My assistant
+became a Salmi yesterday."
+
+There is some obscurity (intentional, of course) in the last
+few words. I may, therefore, state that a Salmi is one of the
+most important native bankers. The profession is only open to
+millionnaires. I therefore say, emphatically, buy Dodjas.
+
+(2.) _The Carbon Diamond Fields_.--The latest quotations are 14-5/8 to
+the dozen, with irregular falls. Carbon Prefs. unaltered. Trusts firm.
+This is a good investment for a poor man. In fact there could not be
+a better. No necessity to deal through an ordinary stockbroker. Wire
+"CROESUS, City." That will find me, and by return you shall have
+address of banker, to whom first deposit for cover must be immediately
+paid.
+
+(3.) _Italian Cattivas_ quieter. A Correspondent asks--"What do you
+recommend a man who has laid by L20 to do in order to hold L1,000 at
+the end of a month?" I say at once, Try Cattivas (19-2/5 Def.; Deb.
+Stk. 14--15). Wire "CROESUS, City."
+
+(4.) _South-African Pih Kroost_ short. Gold continues to be in good
+demand. Anybody wishing to make a quick profit out of a small sum,
+such as from two to five sovereigns, wire "CROESUS, City" anytime
+before 12.30. In all cases of telegraphing, the message must be
+"Reply-Paid," or no notice will be taken of the communication.
+Remember "Time is Money." Keep up a good supply of both, and you'll
+live to bless "CROESUS."
+
+_Advice Gratis_.--Make (Brighton) "A," while the sun shines,
+
+Inquiries as to _The Para Docks Company_, and _The Jerrie Myer Bilder
+Company_, I will answer squarely and fairly next week. Don't move in
+these without the straight and direct advice of "CROESUS."
+
+As to the _Turpin, Sheppard, and Abershaw Highways Company_, I shall
+have something to say next week. Investors who want a real good thing,
+just hold your coin in hand for a week, till I say "Go," and then go
+it. This Company will be a big thing, _and, mind you, safe_.
+
+For the present I close the account, to re-open it next week, and, to
+show my good faith, send you my subscription, which you may read here,
+as I subscribe myself, "CROESUS, CITY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Greek: THAE PROTEKTED PHEMALE.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    ["For our part we do not believe in protected studies. Greek
+    came into the Western world, poor and needy, three centuries
+    ago. By her own unaided charms she has won her way. By
+    those charms we believe that she will hold her own against
+    all competitors until literature and civilisation are no
+    more."--_Times_.]
+
+  Protected Greek! Protected Greek!
+    BALFOUR may doubt, the _Times_ demur,
+  And chattering "correspondents" seek
+    Against the goddess strife to stir,
+  But while the Senate rules, you bet,
+  The Goths shan't smash the Grecians yet.
+
+  When Don meets Don injurious fray
+    Then comes in sooth the tug of war;
+  And on this memorable day
+    They gather in from near and far,
+  To whelm the unnatural ones who'd seek
+  To set the "Grace" against the Greek.
+
+  SWETE looks on JEBB and JEBB on BROWNE,
+    And BATESON looks on ROBERTSON SMITH.
+  They cry, "Of WELLDON 'tis ill-done!"
+    But THOMSON is a man of pith,
+  And GRIMTHORPE, that scalp-hunting "Brave"
+  Will tomahawk the "Modern" slave.
+
+  The Proctors sat with serious brow,
+    Within the swarming Senate House,
+  Voters in hundreds swarmed below,
+    Fellows of scholarship and _nous_.
+  They counted votes, and, when 'twas done,
+  _Non-placets_ had it, three to one!
+
+  And where are they, Granta's fell foes,
+    The champions of the Modern side?
+  Five twenty-five emphatic "Noes"
+    Have squelched their schemes, and dashed their pride.
+  Hurroo! for those so prompt to vindicate
+  Compulsory Greek against the Syndicate!
+
+  Thus sang, or would, or could, or should have sung,
+    The modern Greek, in imitative verse;
+  Meanwhile the Goddess, grave, though ever young,
+    Stood, Psyche-like, untempted to rehearse
+  The ragings--angrier ink was seldom slung--
+    Uttered by BYRON in Minerva's Curse.
+  She simply stood, as stately-proud as Pallas,
+  Looking so calm, some might have deemed her callous.
+
+  Amusing sight this game! _Don_ versus _Don_
+    Mixed in a sort of classic Donny brook.
+  A lethal weapon is a Lexicon
+    When rivals make a bludgeon of the book.
+  By her unaided charms the Goddess won
+    Her way. _This_ is the language of her look.
+  (The Laureate's) "Judge thou me by what I am,
+  "So shalt thou find me, fairest"--_sans_ Compulsory Cram!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETWEEN THE ACTS.
+
+    SCENE--_Europe. The Great Powers discovered in Council._
+
+_Russia_. Now, I think I have arranged matters fairly well. I shall
+myself lend a hand to France, and that will keep the balance decently
+level, so far as Germany is concerned.
+
+_Germany_. Will it? I can fight you both!
+
+_Austria_. Now, keep quiet. If we are to be partners, you must not be
+so impulsive.
+
+_Italy_. Just what I say. Why can't he take it calmly!
+
+_Russia_. Well, of course it's not my business; but if you want to
+break up the Triple Alliance, that's the way to do it! Well, then,
+France employed with you boys on the Rhine, I shall move down south,
+and quietly occupy Constantinople. Now, no one could object to that!
+
+_Germany_. Why, I should, and so would Austria, wouldn't you?
+
+_Austria_. Of course. But what could we do, if we were hard at work
+with France?
+
+_Italy_. Yes; and fancy the Mediterranean becoming a Russian lake!
+
+_Russia_. Oh, you would soon grow accustomed to it! Then I should move
+on to Afghanistan, and quietly make my way to India. But all this has
+to be done after the first step is taken. England must scuttle out of
+Egypt.
+
+_England_. Scuttle out of Egypt? Why, certainly! After consideration!
+[_Left considering._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD.
+
+_Young Lady_ (_in Contralto tones of remarkable depth and richness_).
+"HAVE YOU GOT ANY _LOW_ FRENCH SONGS?"
+
+_Music Publisher_ (_indignantly_). "_CERTAINLY_ NOT, MISS! YOU MUST
+TRY SOME OTHER ESTABLISHMENT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON THE COMING SHO.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+What a prowd and appy day dear old Whales is about for to have on the
+werry next Lord Mare's Day, as is cumming, which it's the ninth of nex
+month, which it's nex Monday. Not only is wun of the werry populusest
+of living Welchmen a going for to be made Lord MARE on that werry day,
+but the Prince of WHALES hisself, who was inwited but karnt kum cos
+he's keepin' his hone Jewbilly at ome that appy and horspigious day.
+Praps Madam HADDYLEANER PATTY (wich is quite a Welch name) would kum
+up an give us a treat on this okashun.
+
+Praps my enthewsiasm in the cause of Whales may be xcused when I
+reweals the fack that I am myself arf a Welchman, as my Mother was
+a reel one before me, and so, strange to say, was my Huncle, her
+Brother. There was sum idear of dressing me up as a Bard with a Arp,
+and I was to jine in when the rest on us struck up "_The March of the
+Men of Garlick_," but I prudently declined the temting horffer. I need
+scarcely say that Welch Rabbits will be a werry striking part of the
+Maynoo, being probably substituted for the Barrens of Beef.
+
+I'm told as all the Ministers is a cumming.
+
+BROWN, with his ushal raddicle imperence, says it's becoz they knos
+as it's for the larst time. Yes, much BROWN knos about it, when he sed
+jest the werry same thing larst year! I'm told as Mr. BALFOUR and Mr.
+GOSHEN is to be seated nex to each other, so that they can take the
+Loving Cup together. So that will be all rite. We are going to have a
+splendid Persession--the werry longest and the werry hinterestingest
+of moddern times! So I adwise all my many kyind paytrons and Country
+Cuzzins to "_cum erly_." There's no telling what dredful changes may
+take place in these horful rewolushunary times, and ewen the "Sacred
+Sho" may be stript of sum of its many attrackshuns, or ewen erbolished
+altogether! But that is, of course, only a fearfool wision, begotten,
+as SHAKSPEARE says, of too much supper last nite, "a praying on my
+eat-oppressed Brane!" No, no! There are things as is posserbel, and
+there are things as ain't, and them as ain't done werry often happen.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO GRACES.
+
+    [Miss MAUDE MILLETT was at Cambridge last week, when the
+    Grace of the Senate for an inquiry into the Compulsory Greek
+    question was _placeted_ by a large majority.]
+
+  The tug of war, when Greek met Anti-Greek
+    In deadly feud, was over in a trice.
+  They spoke out promptly, when they had to speak--
+    They would not have the Grace at any price.
+  But undergraduates of every race
+    Flocked to the Theatre, each night to fill it.
+  The Grace THEY _placeted_ was just the Grace
+    Of one fair maiden--pretty Miss MAUDE MILLETT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHILI PICKLE.--The following advertisement is sent us, extracted
+from the _Chilian Times_:--
+
+    CASA QUINTA!--TO LET in Vina del Mar the first story of a
+    comfortable house, with beautiful garden and yard, situated
+    in the finest part of the villa, and consisting of eight rooms,
+    baths, gas, cellar and all other comforts, etc., against rent
+    or board to a matrimony--Apply, &c., &c.
+
+If Chilians can treat English like this, Americans will stand a poor
+chance "_against rent or board to a matrimony_." The terms of the
+lease in Chilian Legal English would probably "afford employment for
+the gentlemen of the long robe."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Observer_ recently warned us that--
+
+    "LOUISA Lady AILESBURY must not be confounded with MARIA
+    Lady AILESBURY, who is the widow of the elder brother of her
+    husband."
+
+There is surely some misapprehension here. Lady "A." did not marry her
+deceased husband's brother, whether "elder" or younger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
+
+NO. XIII.
+
+    SCENE--_A hundred yards or so from the top of Monte Generoso,
+    above Lake Lugano. CULCHARD, who, with a crowd of other
+    excursionists, has made the ascent by rail, is toiling up the
+    steep and very slippery slope to the summit._
+
+_Culchard_ (_to himself, as he stops to pant_). _More_ climbing! I
+thought this line was supposed to go to the top! But that's Italian
+all over--hem--as PODBURY would say! Wonder, by the way, if he
+expected to be asked to come with me. I've no reason for sacrificing
+myself like that any longer! (_He sighs._) Ah, HYPATIA, if you could
+know what a dreary disenchanted blank you have made of my life! And I
+who believed you capable of appreciating such devotion as mine!
+
+_A Voice behind_. My! If I don't know that back I'll just give up!
+How've _you_ been getting along all this time, Mr. CULCHARD?
+
+_Culch._ (_turning_). Miss TROTTER! A most delightful
+and--er--unexpected meeting, indeed!
+
+[Illustration: "Struggling with a long printed Panorama."]
+
+_Miss Trotter_. Well, we came up on the cars in front of yours. We've
+taken rooms at the hotel up here. Poppa reckoned the air would be kind
+of fresher on the top of this mountain, and I don't believe but what
+he's right either. I guess I shall want another hairpin through _my_
+hat. And are you still going around with Mr. PODBURY? As inseparable
+as ever, I presume?
+
+_Culch._ Er--_about_ as inseparable. That is, we are still travelling
+together--only, on this particular afternoon--
+
+_Miss T._ He went and got mislaid? I see. He used to stray
+considerable over in Germany, didn't he? Well, I'm real pleased to see
+_you_ anyway. And how's the poetry been panning out? I hope you've had
+a pretty good yield of sonnets?
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself_). She's really grown distinctly prettier.
+She might show a little more _feeling_, though, considering we were
+almost, if not quite--(_Aloud._) So you remember my poor poems? I'm
+afraid I have not been very--er--prolific of late.
+
+_Miss T._ You don't say! I should think you'd have had one to show for
+every day, with the date to it, like a new-laid egg.
+
+_Culch._ Birds don't lay--er--I mean they don't _sing_, in the dark.
+My light has been--er--lacking of late.
+
+_Miss T._ If that's intended for me, you ought to begin chirping right
+away. But you're not going to tell me you've been "lounjun round en
+sufferin'" like--wasn't it _Uncle Remus's_ Brer Terrapin? (_Catching_
+C.'s _look of bewilderment._) What, don't you know _Uncle Remus_?
+
+_Culch._ (_politely_). Mr. TROTTER is the only relation of yours I
+have had the pleasure of meeting, as yet.
+
+_Miss T._ Why, I reckoned _Uncle Remus_ was pretty most everybody's
+relation by now. He's a book. But likely you've no use for our
+national humorous literature?
+
+_Culch._ I--er--must confess I seldom waste time over the humorous
+literature of _any_ nation.
+
+_Miss T._ I guess that accounts for your gaiety! There, don't you
+mind _me_, Mr. CULCHARD. But suppose we hurry along and inspect this
+panorama they talk so much of; it isn't going to be any sideshow. It's
+just a real representative mass-meeting of Swiss mountains, with every
+prominent peak in the country on the platform, and a deputation down
+below from the leading Italian lakes. It's ever so elegant,--and
+there's Poppa around on the top too.
+
+_ON THE TOP. TOURISTS DISCOVERED MAKING MORE OR LESS APPROPRIATE
+REMARKS._
+
+_First Tourist_ (_struggling with a long printed panorama, which flaps
+like a sail_). Grand view, Sir, get 'em all from here, you see! Monte
+Rosa, Matterhorn, Breithorn--
+
+    [_Works through them all conscientiously, until, much to
+    everybody's relief, his panorama escapes into space._
+
+_Second T._ (_a lady, with the air of a person making a discovery_).
+How wonderfully small everything looks down below!
+
+_Third T._ (_a British Matron, with a talent for incongruity_).
+Yes, dear, very--_quite_ worth coming all this way for, but as I
+was telling you, we've always been accustomed to such an evangelical
+service, so that our new Rector is really _rather_--but we're quite
+_friendly_ of course; go there for tennis, and he dines with us, and
+all that. Still, I _do_ think, when it comes to having lighted candles
+in broad daylight--(&c., &c.)
+
+_Fourth T._ (_an equally incongruous American_). Wa'al, yes, they show
+up well, cert'nly, those peaks do. But I was about to remark. Sir, I
+went to that particular establishment on Fleet Street. I called for
+a chop. And when it came, I don't deny I felt disappointed, for the
+plate all around was just as _dry_--! But the moment I struck a fork
+into that chop, Sir,--well, the way the gravy just came _gushing_ out
+was--there, it ain't no use me trying to put it in words! But from
+that instant, Sir, I kinder realised the peculiar charm of your
+British chop.
+
+_Fifth T._ (_a discontented Teuton_). I exbected more as zis. It is
+nod glear enough--nod at all. Zey dolt me from ze dop you see Milan. I
+look all aroundt. Novere I see Milan! And I lief my obera-glass behint
+me in ze drain, and I slib on ze grass and sbrain my mittle finger,
+and altogedder I do not vish I had com.
+
+_Miss T._ (_presenting CULCHARD to Mr. CYRUS K.T._). I guess you've
+met _this_ gentleman before!
+
+_Mr. T._ Well now, that's _so_. I didn't just reckon I'd meet him
+again all this way above the sea-level though, but I'm just as pleased
+to see him. Rode up on the cars, I presume, Sir? Tolerable hilly road
+all the way, _ain't_ it now? There cann't anybody say we hain' made
+the most of _our_ time since you left us. Took a run over to Berlin;
+had two hours and a haff in that city, and I dunno as I keered about
+making a more pro-tracted visit. Went right through to Vi-enna, saw
+round Vi-enna. I did want, being so near, to just waltz into Turkey
+and see that. But I guess Turkey'll have to keep till next time. Then
+back again into Switzerland, for I do seem to have kinder taken a
+fancy to Switzerland. I'd like to have put in more time there, and
+we stayed best part of a week too! But Italy's an interesting place.
+Yes, I'm getting considerable interested in Italy, so far as I've got.
+There's Geneva now--
+
+_Miss T._ You do beat anything for mixing up places, Father. And
+you don't want to be letting yourself loose on Mr. CULCHARD this
+way. You'd better go and bring Mr. VAN BOODELER along; he's round
+somewhere.
+
+_Mr. T._ I do like slinging off when I meet a friend; but I'll shut
+down, MAUD, I'll shut down.
+
+_Miss T._ Oh, there you are, CHARLEY! Come right here, and be
+introduced to Mr. CULCHARD. He's a vurry intelligent man. My
+cousin, Mr. CHARLES VAN BOODELER,--Mr. CULCHARD. Mr. VAN BOODELER's
+intelligent too. He's going to write our great National Amurrcan
+novel, soon as ever he has time for it. That's so, isn't it?
+
+_Mr. V.B._ (_a slim, pale young man, with a cosmopolitan air and a
+languid drawl_). It's our most pressing national need, Sir, and I
+have long cherished the intention of supplying it. I am collecting
+material, and, when the psychological moment arrives, I shall write
+that novel. And I believe it will be a big thing, a very big thing; I
+mean to make it a complete compendium of every phase of our great and
+complicated civilisation from State to State and from shore to shore.
+[CULCHARD _bows vaguely._
+
+_Miss T._ Yes, and the great Amurrcan public are going to rise up in
+their millions and boom it. Only I don't believe they'd better start
+booming just yet, till there's something more than covers to that
+novel. And how you're going to collect material for an Amurrcan novel,
+flying round Europe, just beats _me_!
+
+_Mr. V.B._ (_with superiority_). Because you don't realise that
+it's precisely in Europe that I find my best American types. Our
+citizens show up better against a European background,--it excites
+and stimulates their nationality, so to speak. And again, with a big
+subject like mine, you want to step back to get the proper focus. Now
+I'm _stepping_ back.
+
+_Miss T._ I guess it's more like skipping, CHARLEY. But so long as
+you're having a good time! And here's Mr. CULCHARD will fix you up
+some sonnets for headings to the chapters. You needn't begin _right_
+away, Mr. CULCHARD; I guess there's no hurry. But we get talking and
+_talking_, and never look at anything. I don't call it encouraging the
+scenery, and that's a fact!
+
+_Mr. T._ (_later, to CULCHARD_). And you're pretty comfortable at your
+hotel? Well, I dunno, after all, what there is to keep _us_ here. I
+guess we'll go down again and stop at Lugano, eh, MAUD?
+
+    [_CULCHARD eagerly awaits her reply._
+
+_Miss T._ I declare! After bringing all my trunks way up here! But
+I'd just as soon move down as not; they're not unpacked any. (_Joy of
+C._) Seems a pity, too, after engaging rooms here. And they looked real
+nice. Mr. CULCHARD, don't you and Mr. PODBURY want to come up here and
+take them? They've a perfectly splendid view, and then we could have
+yours, you know! (_C. cannot conceal his chagrin at this suggestion._)
+Well, see here, Poppa, we'll go along and try if we can't square the
+hotel-clerk and get our baggage on the cars again, and then we'll see
+just how we feel about it. I'm perfectly indifferent either way.
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself, as he follows_). Can she be really as
+indifferent as she seems? I'm afraid she has very little heart! But
+if only she can be induced to go back to Lugano ... She will be at
+the same hotel--a great point! I wish that fellow VAN BOODELER wasn't
+coming too, though ... Not that they've settled to come at all yet!...
+Still, I fancy she likes the idea ... She'll come--if I don't appear
+too anxious about it! [_He walks on, trying to whistle carelessly._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR IN A FOG.
+
+(_A RECORD OF THE NEXT CAMPAIGN OF THE COMING MOLTKE._)
+
+Our Army was now advancing in good order. We had the "A" Division
+of the enemy on our right, and the "B" Division on our left, but of
+course we had lost sight of Division "C." It was the morning after we
+had taken the fortress that had unexpectedly appeared before us on our
+right front, and had found ourselves to our surprise by the side of a
+river. The Chief of my Staff entered my tent whilst I was engaged in
+studying a map not very successfully.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"General," said he, "military music can be heard in the distance, from
+which I take it it must be the other part of our Army." "This is most
+fortunate," I replied; "but are they supposed to be in this part of
+the country? I fancied they were besieging the enemy's metropolis.
+
+"So it was reported," returned my subordinate; "but it appears that,
+taking the first turning to the right, instead of the second to the
+left, they lost their way, and instead of capturing the capital,
+surrounded a harbour, in which, to their astonishment, they found his
+fleet."
+
+"I suppose that the movements of Division 'C' are shrouded in
+mystery?"
+
+"They are," returned the Chief of the Staff, saluting. "It is presumed
+that the commander is wandering somewhere near the frontier. A spy
+from his Army says that he had entirely lost touch of the country,
+and was continually asking his way. But how about our friends, the
+remainder of our Army, who are now approaching towards us? What shall
+we do?"
+
+"Give them a fitting reception," was my reply.
+
+In a moment our Army halted and pitched their tents. Accustomed to
+State functions of every sort and description, it was no difficult
+matter to them to decorate the line of march appropriately. Suddenly
+there was the sound of firing, and five minutes later an officer
+wearing the uniform of the enemy entered my tent and surrendered his
+sword.
+
+"General," said he, "I yield to your superior knowledge of military
+tactics. I had expected to find friends, and now I have come across
+foes. And you number more than half a million of men, do you not?"
+
+"Well, no; you may mean my brother commander, who has that force under
+his orders. But we have only about twenty thousand."
+
+"And I have given up my arms for nothing," said my visitor.
+
+"To whom have I the honour of speaking?" I asked, haughtily. "I
+presume, the Captain of the 'A' Division?"
+
+"The 'A' Division! Why, they are miles away! and so are the 'B'
+Division."
+
+"Then, who on earth are you?"
+
+"Why, surely you know we are the 'C' Division?"
+
+At this moment the Chief of my Staff again appeared. "Sir," said he,
+"are we to advance or retire? I must know at once, with a view to
+arranging satisfactorily the requirements of the Commissariat."
+
+"One moment, Gentlemen," I replied, and then entered an inner recess.
+I searched my pockets, and finding my tossing half-crown, spun it into
+the air. I eagerly ascertained the result.
+
+"We will advance, Sir," said I to the Chief of the Staff on my
+return. And my tone suggested both strong determination and peremptory
+command.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LULLABY OF AN INFANT SPECULATOR.
+
+1891.
+
+(_A LONG WAY AFTER SIR WALTER SCOTT._)
+
+    [Packets called "Lucky Sweets," in which the bait is the
+    chance of "prize gifts," are having a large sale amongst
+    children.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, hush thee, my babie! thy sire is a "bear,"[1]
+  Thy mother a "booky," both leary and fair,
+  And the spirit of bold Speculation, I see,
+  Heredity's taint hath stirred early in thee.
+    Oh, two to one bar one! Heigh! dance, babie, dance!
+    Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the off-chance!
+
+  Oh, hear not thy rattle, though loudly it goes;
+  Oh, suck not thy fingers! Oh, count not thy toes!
+  The "Last Odds" and "Share List" to thee shall be read
+  To-night ere thou'rt cosily tucked up in bed.
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  Oh, hush thee, my babie! Thy sire will soon come,
+  With "Surprise Packets" for thee. Oh, ain't it yum-yum?
+  And "Lucky Sweets," babie, will catch thine off eye.
+  Not "Hush-a-bye, babie!" but rather, "Buy! Buy!"
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  My lullaby, babie, 's not that of old nurse;
+  The pillow for thee has less charms than the purse;
+  It is not that "Sweets" from those packets you'd suck;
+  No, babie, your yearning's to try your young luck.
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  You eagerly buy them, the "Prizes" to seek
+  (You "blued" two-and-tenpence, my babie, last week),
+  Those "Lucky Sweets," babie, are babydom's "play."
+  But as for the sweets, why you chuck _them_ away!
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  Oh, princes may "punt," babie; nobles may "plunge,"
+  But, babie, that chubby fist's cynical lunge
+  Means craving for nothing that babyhood _eats_:
+  No, babie, you'd fain do a "flutter" in sweets.
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  The tuck-shops, my babie, are well up to date;
+  They know Speculation now rules the whole State;
+  It sways all the classes, all ages, each sex;
+  So now we're provided with "Nursery Specs."
+    Oh, two to one bar one, &c.
+
+  Shall Court, Camp and Counter all yield to the spell
+  And Cradledom not be considered as well?
+  Shall betting fire Oxford, and gambling witch Girton,
+  And Infancy not put its own little shirt on?
+    Oh, two to one, bar one, &c.
+
+  Oh, hush thee, my babie! the time will soon come
+  When at Baccarat boards you'll sit sucking your thumb.
+  Meanwhile "Lucky Sweets," babie, buy while you may,
+  They will teach simple childhood the charms of high play.
+    Oh, two to one, bar one! Heigh! dance, babie, dance!
+    Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the off-chance!
+
+[Footnote 1: In the Stock Exchange sense, of course.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOMESTIC DIAGNOSIS.
+
+_Jones_ (_who has come with his Wife to call on the new Neighbours_).
+"WONDER IF THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED LONG, HYPATIA?"
+
+_Mrs. Jones._ "OH NO. EVIDENTLY NEWLY-MARRIED."
+
+_Jones._ "HOW CAN YOU TELL?"
+
+_Mrs. Jones._ "DRAWING-ROOM SMELLS OF TOBACCO-SMOKE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE.
+
+(_AN OLD-FASHIONED APOLOGUE WITH A MODERN APPLICATION._)
+
+GRANDOLH and ARTHUR were two young Apprentices, bound betimes to the
+ingenious and estimable Art or Craft of _Cabinet-Making_. Both of
+them were youths of a Sprightly Genius, and of an Alert Apprehension,
+attended, in the case of GRANDOLPH, with a mighty heat and ebullition
+of Fancy, which led early to a certain frothiness or ventosity in
+speech. ARTHUR, on the other hand, though possessed of excellent
+Parts, appeared to be of a more phlegmatic temperament, and took on
+a more languorous, not to say saturnine demeanour.
+
+So it came about that for the time GRANDOLPH seemed to carry it over
+his fellow Apprentice, who indeed, amongst superficial observers,
+incurred the reproach of indolence and lackadaisical indifference,
+and although both were of creditable repute in the _Craft_, yet did
+GRANDOLPH shine the more prominently and give the greater promise
+of pre-eminence, ARTHUR seeming content, as men say, to _play second
+fiddle_ to the more pushing Performer.
+
+'Tis, however, within the purview of the Wise and the common
+observation of the Judicious, that _things are not always as they
+seem!_
+
+GRANDOLPH, at an early epoch in his Apprenticeship, did found a
+sort of Comradeny or Free Company, which, from the number of its
+constituent items, came to be intituled _The Fourth Party_, in the
+which ARTHUR modestly took subordinate place, with unobtrusive ease
+and languid resignation. This Party did push matters in the _Craft_
+with a high hand and a talkative tongue. For as the ingenious Earl
+of SHAFTESBURY saith in his _Soliloquy_, "Company is an extreme
+provocative to Fancy, and, like a hot bed in gardening, is apt to
+make our Imaginations sprout too fast."
+
+That GRANDOLPH was obnoxious to this charge of "sprouting too fast"
+may seem made manifest by the sequel. He indeed pushed himself into
+the front place by dint of copious verbosity, and militant oppugnancy.
+But (as the same SHAFTESBURY saith) where, instead of Controul,
+Debate, or Argument, the chief exercise of the wit consists in
+uncontroulable Harangues and Reasonings, which must neither be
+questioned nor contradicted; there is great danger lest the Party,
+thro' this habit, shou'd suffer much by Cruditys, Indigestions,
+Choler, bile, and particularly by a certain _tumour_, or _flatulency_,
+which renders him, of all men, the least liable to apply the
+wholesome _regimen_ of self-practice. 'Tis no wonder if such quaint
+practitioners grow to an enormous size of Absurdity, whilst they
+continue the reverse of that practice, by which alone we correct
+the Redundancy of Humours, and chasten the exuberance of Conceit and
+Fancy.
+
+Whether this particular "quaint practitioner" (our Idle Apprentice,
+GRANDOLPH) plagued "the Party" too much with his "Cruditys, Choler,"
+&c., or whether he found himself unable to correct his own "Redundancy
+of Humours," certain it is that, at the very Pinnacle of Promise,
+and Height of Achievement, GRANDOLPH broke his indentures of
+Apprenticeship, and _ran away!_
+
+And now, indeed, came the Opportunity of the true Industrious
+Apprentice, the hitherto calm and languid-looking, but, in verity,
+valorous, and vigilant, and virile ARTHTUR. Whereof, to be sure,
+he made abundant use, burgeoning forth into full blossom with
+astonishing suddenness, seizing Opportunity by the forelock with manly
+promptitude, and gaining golden opinions from all sorts of people;
+so that, after brief probation, he slipped, by general acclaim, into
+that very premier place so strangely, suddenly, and intempestively
+abdicated by the Idle Apprentice, GRANDOLPH.
+
+Concerning the latter, the latest reports are not reassuring. Like his
+celebrated prototype of fable, the ill-fated "Don't Care," he runneth
+a chance of being "devoured by lions"! At least he appears to have
+sought the company of those parlous beasts in their _native Afric
+wilds_. We hear that "the lions kept him tucked up one night," which
+same news (--gathered from a diurnal intituled the Johannesberg
+_Star_--) hath a fearsome and ill-boding sound. That he is--for the
+time at least--in every sense "tucked up," is only too obviously
+true. Peradventure he may yet think the better of it, correct his
+Frothy Distemper and Vagrant Disposition, and (as the agonising
+advertisements have it) return to his friends that all may be forgiven
+and much forgotten!
+
+But the last accounts of him picture him as lying languidly asprawl
+upon a Mausoleum in Mashonaland, _playing dice with himself!_ The tomb
+would indeed appear to be, in the sombre words of the Mystick Poet:--
+
+  "The vault of his lost Ulalume,"
+
+the runic-sounding word, "Ulalume," being taken perchance as the
+African synonym for "Reputation." Whether the cheering word _Resurgam_
+will ever be appropriate to _that_ Tomb remaineth to be seen. But
+it would appear only too plain that GRANDOLPH (in the words of the
+aforesaid SHAFTESBURY) "hath been a great frequenter of the woods and
+river-banks, where he hath consum'd abundance of his breath, suffer'd
+his Fancy to evaporate, and reduc'd the vehemence both of his Spirit
+and Voice." In short, that the erst ambitious and aspiring GRANDOLPH
+is still content, for the time at least, to play the part of _The Idle
+Apprentice_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE.
+
+(_A long way after Hogarth._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHYS"--WISE AND OTHERWISE.
+
+(_BEING QUEER QUERIES._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  I wonder why, whene'er a four-
+  Wheeler advances to a door,
+  (A common thing on Britain's shore,)
+    I wonder why,
+  At once some aged man will stand
+  And stare until its inmates land,
+  As if enchained by something grand,
+    Or weird, or high.
+
+  I wonder why the powers that mend
+  The streets should root them up, and rend
+  The roads with giant pipes on end
+    And bricks awry,
+  Just when we turn to town again;
+  Though nothing stirred while West Cockayne
+  Lay waste--a huge, deserted lane--
+    I wonder why.
+
+  I wonder why athwart the Row
+  Stray loafers linger, loth to go
+  Past the mid-crossing, and are so
+    Resolved to die,
+  Hoping that, as you gallop near
+  You'll maul them by your mad career--
+    I wonder why.
+
+  I wonder why, when theatre Stalls,
+  Are "papered" by Professionals,
+  And children arch in Thespis' halls
+    Their gambols ply,
+  Why the Box-office has the face
+  To offer _me_, who book place--
+  A Stall that would the Pit disgrace,
+    I wonder why.
+
+  I wonder why, whenever pressed
+  A little money to invest
+  In something which is quite the best
+    Affair to buy,
+  I _always_ read next morning that
+  Not _I_, but it (in parlance pat
+  Of City articles) was "Flat,"
+    I wonder why.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS NURSERY RHYMES.
+
+(_FOR USE OF INFANT STUDENTS IN NEW SCHOOL OF DRAMATIC ART._)
+
+  'Tis the voice of the Prompter,
+    I hear him quite plain;
+  He has prompted me twice,
+    Let him prompt me again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRETTY SIMPLETON.
+
+    [The _Spectator_ warns men against marrying simpletons,
+    pointing out that "there is no bore on earth equal to the
+    woman who can neither talk nor listen, and who has no mental
+    interests in common with her husband."]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  When fair BELINDA sweetly smiles,
+    And airily before you trips,
+  You're captured by her artless wiles,
+    And must admire her rosy lips.
+  You know that she is very fair,
+    You see that she has splendid eyes;
+  But ah, rash lover, have a care,
+    And find out if BELINDA's wise.
+
+  For beauty, trust us, is not all
+    A wife in these days should possess;
+  Her conversation's apt to pall,
+    If she can talk of naught but dress.
+  She need not be too deeply read,
+    You do not want a priggish bride;
+  But still take care the pretty head
+    Can boast some little brain inside.
+
+  In courtship all she said was sweet,
+    For you had died to win a glance;
+  Her little platitudes seemed neat,
+    Breathed 'mid the pauses of the dance.
+  You would have felt a heartless fiend
+    To criticise, when by her side;
+  Nor would the lady have demeaned
+    Herself to answer, had you tried.
+
+  But when you've won her for a wife,
+    And ante-nuptial glamour dies,
+  What food for matrimonial strife
+    Her crass inconsequent replies.
+  How terrible to find her dense,
+    And never grasping what you mean;
+  You'll think one gleam of common sense
+    Worth more than finest eyes e'er seen.
+
+  Days come when love no longer gives
+    Illusions as in hours of yore;
+  And hapless is the man who lives
+    To find his wife become a bore.
+  Then keep, if you'd avoid that day,
+    The wise _Spectator's_ golden rule:
+  Don't be by beauty led away,
+    And choose for wife a pretty fool.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the _Times'_ book advertisement column, the S.P.C.K. announces the
+following new publication:--
+
+    THE OUSE. By the Rev. A.J. FOSTER, M.A.
+
+This, we suppose, is the first of a new unaspirated ARRY SERIES.
+The next Volume being _The Ome_, and, after that, _Books of Ighgate,
+Amsted, Olloway, and other Ills_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Baron recognises, with pleasure, the actuality of the dramatic
+scenes _In Cambridge Courts_, by Mr. LEHMANN. The dialogues during
+rehearsal at the A.D.C., and of the Classic Play, are about the best
+of the many best things in the book. Mightily disappointed is the
+Baron with Mr. J.H. SHORTHOUSE's _Lady Falaise_, which, beginning
+so strongly, ends so feebly. Powerful it promised to be; exciting it
+promised to be; but weak it becomes, and, now and again, wearisome.
+Sorry for this is
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERIES FOR CANDIDATES (L.C.C.)
+
+(_WHAT THEY MAY COME TO._)
+
+As the County Council now has power over the Tramways of London,
+will you pledge yourself to see that smoking carriages, comfortable
+cushions, waiting-rooms at street-corners, and constant civility, are
+provided for passengers?
+
+Will you abolish the irritating and nefarious Ticket System?
+
+How long do you think it will be before the electric light is
+universally established in the cars?
+
+What is your view as to the provision of suitable places for wet
+umbrellas?
+
+Will you at once vote for "Free or Assisted Locomotion"?
+
+If a wheel of your private carriage comes off owing to skidding in
+the Tramway line, will you pledge yourself not to bring any claim for
+compensation against the Rates?
+
+Will you vote for the summary dismissal of any Conductor who proceeds
+to count the passengers after being informed that he is "full inside"?
+
+Is it a fact that you have promised to introduce "Pullman Palace
+Restaurant Cars, with free lunches," on the Tram-lines? If so, do you
+contemplate providing the cost out of your own resources, or how?
+
+You state in your Address to the Electors that you "are desirous of
+reducing the hours of Tram _employes_ to four a day, with two months'
+holiday in the year, and of giving a general rise of wages up to
+about L2 extra per week." Will you kindly say how you reconcile this
+desire with your expressed intention to "run the concern on the most
+economical plan, so as to save the pockets of the Ratepayers"?
+
+It is reported that you have pledged yourself, if elected, to see
+that the Tram Conductors "get their Saturday to Monday at Brighton as
+a regular thing." How do you propose to carry out this part of your
+programme?
+
+Do you consider yourself justified, in face of the above statements,
+in characterising the rival Candidate for the Council as "attempting
+to catch the Labour Vote by an impudent combination of insincere
+flattery, and fraudulent promises"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH ON TOUR. A REMINISCENCE OF THE RYDE SEASON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A RECOMMENDATION.
+
+_Dealer_. "NOW THERE'S HACTION FOR YOU, SIR! PUTS HER FEET DOWN AS IF
+SHE WAS A STEPPIN' ON HEGGSHELLS, DON'T SHE, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BELOW THE BELT!"
+
+(_EXTRACTS FROM THE POLITICAL "FISTIANA" OF THE PERIOD._)
+
+I.--_BY THE "BRUMMAGEM BANTAM" (AS REPORTED IN THE "INJUDICIOUS
+BOTTLEHOLDER")._
+
+"The 'Arwarden Old 'Un, Gemmen? Lor bless yer, _he_ ain't no account,
+nohow. Can't 'it a 'ole in a pound o' butter, _'e_ can't. Allus _was_
+a muff and a muddler; middling showy style, and a bit dodgy with his
+dooks, but neither a slogger _nor_ a stayer, and, atween you and me
+and the post, allus ready to hist the white feather when 'ard pressed.
+Wot's that you say? _His_ 'Travelling Company'? A reglar swindle, and
+a fair frost, Gemmen. Went 'round the country' on false purtences, and
+never did no good nowheres. Awful poor lot o' Pugs, _that_ gang. Not
+in it with the ''Atfield Combination Troupe,' as _can_ fight a bit,
+and 'as some smart scrappers in it. No, Gemmen, the 'Old 'Un' _allus
+were_ a fraud. Couldn't stand up to a Froggy, _'e_ couldn't. His
+Company muddled the 'ole bag o' tricks, and made a hawful mess of it.
+Ah, and _would_ agen, mark yer, if they got the chance. Should a'most
+like to see 'em _'ave_ another shy, if only for the bloomin' fun o'
+the thing; but it 'ud be a bit too expensive, and bring discredit on
+our Noble Hart, besides."
+
+(_Comments of the I.B.H. "Brayco, Brummagem Bantam! His style of
+hitting is straight and smart, in the ring or out of it. Hope the
+over-rated Hawardian Old 'Un and his Company relish the pepper
+young JOE has administered to the shifty Veteran and his parasitic
+'Items'!"_)
+
+II.--_FROM THE "NEWCASTLE NOBBLER," ALIAS "HONEST JOHN."_
+
+"Werry much surprised to see as that windictive Bounder, the
+'Brummagem Bantam,' has bin a letting out wicious like at his old
+pals, the 'Arwarden Old 'Un and his Pugilistic Company. '_They_
+was muffs and muddlers,' he sez. Well, he ought to ha' said 'we,'
+considerin' as _he wos one on 'em_!!! The Old 'Un was his first
+patron, and me and other members of the Company his pertikler pals,
+and _then_ he used for to crack us all up sky-high. _Now_ he rounds
+on us for 'making a mess of it.' Well, praps if _all_ wos knowed--but
+no matter! Only, to quarrel with your old pals, and then go about
+a-sneerin' and a-jeerin' at them for wot you yerself wos a party to,
+_I_ call 'hitting below the belt'"!
+
+(_Comments of the I.B.H. "Bosh! 'Honest JOHN' is a shrew, and not a
+Practical Pug. Is one prizefighter never to criticise another's style
+because he's once been in the same Company with him? Might as well say
+he must therefore never improve his own style. Besides, any stick is
+good enough to beat the Grand Old Pug-dog with!"_)
+
+III.--_REJOINDER OF THE "BRUMMAGEM BANTAM."_
+
+"'Itting below the belt be jolly well blowed! Honest JOHN don't
+believe a word 'e sez--it's ony his narsty spite. Makes hisself the
+wiaduck for the 'Arwarden Gang's witrol and winegar, _e_' do. In
+course I wos one o' the Old 'Un's Company, wus luck! But I've larned
+a bit since then. Wot do _you_ think? When I larruped my old pals, and
+called 'em mugs, messers, and muddlers, in corse I included myself,
+tacit-like. _But there was no call for to say so!_ As to not showing
+of 'em up acos I wos one of 'em--Wal_ker_!!! If _that's_ the Newcastle
+Nobbler's 'theory' of fair-play, 'e may jest go 'ome and eat coke!"
+
+(_Comments of the I.B.H. "The B.B. is quite right. If a Pug may not
+round on his old pals for doing what he helped them to do, it follows
+that he himself must never try to do better. Which is absurd! Go it,
+JOE!"_)
+
+IV.--_SURREJOINDER FROM "HONEST JOHN."_
+
+"My 'theory' ain't a bit wot the B.B. says it is. My 'theory' is that
+it's mean, and unfair, and unperfessional to curry favour with one's
+present backers by 'olding hup one's old pals to public redicule
+for doing wot we 'elped 'em to do, and at the time praised 'em _for_
+doin'. I call that 'hitting below the belt!' And I believe every
+'onest and manly Pug from FIGG to SAYERS would ha' said ditter to
+''Onest JOHN.' That's all, Gemmen!"
+
+(_Comment of the I.B.H. "Bosh! JOE's style of hitting is no doubt
+uncomfortable--for the Old 'Un and his pals. THAT'S EXACTLY WHY WE
+LIKE IT! What's the use of hitting above the belt only when the foe's
+only vulnerable below it? We rejoice to see the B.B. knocking the
+sawdust out of the Grand Old Fistic Fetish, and squelching the cant
+and claptrap out of 'Honest JOHN.'"_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STORICULES.
+
+VII.--GAZEY.
+
+"You're the fust pineter whort I've knowed," said JULIA SANBY,
+demurely. "Father works at a plumber's, but 'e ain't industr'us. 'E
+ain't a good man. An' mother drinks. Orful!"
+
+JULIA SANBY had consented, in consideration of money received, to let
+me make a sketch of her. She was a tall thin child, with a dirty and
+very intelligent face, great grey eyes, and long reddish hair. She was
+very bright and talkative; and yet she amazed me by being distinctly
+sanctimonious. She looked critically round my studio on her entrance.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"You ain't got no tex' 'ung up," she remarked, disparagingly. "We 'as
+two tex' in our kitching. I 'ung 'em up myself. An' father beat me for
+it. But I didn't keer, 'cos I knew I wos doin' good."
+
+She pressed her thin lips together, and looked like a mangled martyr.
+
+"Do you go to Sunday School?" I asked, as I got to work.
+
+"I goes reggler, an' I'm first in the School, and I knows more colics
+than any of 'em, excep' teachers. I ain't like GAZEY."
+
+"Who's GAZEY?"
+
+"She's a girl what I 'ites. She's a bad girl. We calls 'er GAZEY, 'cos
+it's short for GEHAZI; but that ain't 'er real nime. She's a liar.
+She's allus tellin' lies--seems as if she couldn't storp doin' it."
+JULIA SANBY sighed sadly.
+
+"What kind of lies?"
+
+"She don't tell no lies to get 'erself out of nothin'; 'cos she's so
+bad that she don't keer whort rows she gets inter. But she tells other
+sorts. She just sits up on the fence what goes roun' the green, an'
+mikes up things, an' a lot of the children ain't got no more sense
+than to sit roun' an' listen to 'er. That just mikes 'er worse. She
+sits theer, a-tellin' stories, an' sweerin' they're all true. You
+never 'eard such stories."
+
+"What are they all about?"
+
+"Mostly about gran' things an' wunnerful things--kings, an' carridges,
+an' angels, an' firewux, an' dreams what she says she's 'ad. An'
+she'll sweer they're true. My word, it is wicked of 'er! She's allus
+pretennin' to be things what she ain't, too. One Sat'dy arf'noon she
+said she was a steam-injun. An' she got 'old of a little boy, BOB
+COLLINGS, and said 'e was the tender. An' BOB COLLINGS 'ad to foller
+close be'ind 'er all that arf'noon, else she'd a' nigh killed 'im. 'E
+got rather tired, because she kept runnin' about, bein' a express an'
+'avin' cerlishuns. Lawst of all she wived 'er awms about, and mide a
+kind o' whooshin' noise. 'Now,' she said, 'my biler's bust, an' I'm
+done for!' So she lay flat on the wet groun', an' the tender went 'ome
+to 'is tea."
+
+"What's she like to look at?"
+
+JULIA SANBY confessed, with apparent reluctance, that GAZEY was very
+pretty. "She's prettier nor I am, nor any of the other childrun roun'
+'ere. She's got golding 'air, an' blue eyes. But I 'ite 'er, 'cos
+she's so bad, an' 'cos she mikes the other children bad. I don't never
+listen to none of 'er mike-ups now."
+
+"Would she let me make a sketch of her?"
+
+"Dunno. You wouldn't like 'er. She's low in the wye she talks. The new
+curick don't like 'er. Nobody don't like 'er."
+
+Now, just in this sentence, I fancied that the sanctimoniousness of
+JULIA SANBY had become mixed with some real feeling. I also reflected
+on the fact that, although most children are egoists, JULIA SANBY
+seemed to take more pleasure in talking about GAZEY than in discussing
+herself. I had distinct suspicions.
+
+"Could you remember any of GAZEY's stories?"
+
+"Might, p'raps."
+
+"Go on, then. Tell me one."
+
+She began a story, which was obviously an improvisation, with little
+incidents taken from other stories added to it. It was full of the
+wildest imaginings. She told it without the least nervousness or
+embarrassment. Her assumption of demureness and sanctity vanished
+utterly. She became vivid and dramatic. "An' I'd tike my gorspil oath
+it's all true," she added, at the conclusion, as if from force of
+habit.
+
+"JULIA SANBY," I said, "GAZEY has not got golden hair nor blue eyes,
+neither is she pretty. _You_ are GAZEY."
+
+"I swear I ain't. I'm a good girl, and knows my colics; GAZEY's
+something orful."
+
+"Very well," I answered, and went on finishing the sketch, as though
+I took no interest in her. After a few seconds' silence, she added,
+quite calmly,
+
+"Owdjer know? I can pretend proper, cawn't I? But I 'adn't never
+talked about myself as if I was someone else afore. That pickshur
+ain't much like me."
+
+"It will be when it's finished. Come to-morrow at the same time."
+
+"Do you think I'm a liar?"
+
+"You're either a liar or an artist, but I'm not sure which."
+
+GAZEY put on her exceedingly frowsy hat. "The new curick needn't a bin
+so cock-sure about it then. G'mornin'."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST FROM BOBBY.
+
+(_AN INTERCEPTED LETTER._)
+
+_Schoolhouse, Swishborough._
+
+_Thursday._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEAREST DARLING MOTHER,
+
+I was so glad to get the hamper, and it has done me much good, all the
+fellows were pleased with the cake, and the sardines were first-rate,
+and the potted stuffs were awfully good. I am sorry you forgot the
+bottles of acidulated drops, but you can send them in the next
+hamper as soon as you like. There are only sixty-two days to the
+holidays--1688 hours including nights! Isn't that jolly!
+
+And now, my dear Mother, I want to write most seriously to you upon a
+matter of great importance. You know I have been doing "Music" as an
+"extra." Well, it does not agree with me. The fact is, it is an hour
+every week in my playtime, when the Doctor says it is good for my
+health that I should be enjoying myself. And "Music" is an extra,
+like "Sausages for breakfast." And, of course, one has to think of
+all that. How hard dear Papa works to get his living; and, of course,
+I oughtn't to waste anything, ought I? Well, I really think I could
+give up "Music." After all, it's awful rot, and only fit for a pack of
+girls! So this is the great favour I'm going to ask you--and mind you
+say "Yes." May I give up "Music," and take up "Sausages for breakfast"
+instead?
+
+Always your most loving Son, BOBBY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IF THE FASHION SPREADS.
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of a Fashionable Church. The Incumbent has
+    read the Banns of Marriage between JOHN PLANTAGENET DE SMITH
+    and MARY STUART DE BROWN, and asks the usual question._
+
+_Counsel_ (_rising in pew_). I beg to object.
+
+_Incumbent_ (_surprised, but self-possessed_). You will be good enough
+to communicate with us in the Vestry, at the end of the service,
+
+_Counsel_. But I prefer to raise my objections at once. I may say,
+Reverend Sir, that I am here on behalf of Mr. JOHN PLANTAGENET DE
+SMITH, who is my client. I am instructed by the Messrs. CAPIAS of
+Bedford Row, and I contend that since the Members of the London County
+Council have instructed counsel to appear on their behalf at meetings
+in which they themselves act judicially, the right extends to Places
+of Public Worship.
+
+_Incumbent_. Perhaps we might hear you later. If you were kind enough
+to raise your objections in the Vestry, it would be--
+
+_Counsel_ (_interrupting_). Pardon me, that would scarcely be
+satisfactory. We do not wish any hole-and-corner agitation. I
+am instructed by my client to say, that he courts the fullest
+investigation. Now, the facts are these:--
+
+    [_Gives the facts, and ends an eloquent speech with a
+    magnificent peroration._
+
+_Incumbent_. In consequence of the rather long argument of our dear
+and learned brother, the customary quarter of an hour's sermon will
+not be given on this occasion. [_Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AL FRESCO OPERA.--_Cavalleria Rusticana_ at the Royal Shaftesbury,
+and _Le Reve_ in the Winter (Covent) Garden kept by Ex-Sheriff
+DRURIOLANUS. "About the latter," says Sir DRURIOLANUS, "some
+enthusiasts quite _rave_. See?" (_Exit Ex-Sheriff, to note this down
+for the forthcoming Pantomime._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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