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diff --git a/14067-0.txt b/14067-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2dc73cc --- /dev/null +++ b/14067-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1371 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14067 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +November 7, 1891. + + + + +ONLY FANCY! + +[Illustration] + +We learn by telegraph from Berlin that some uneasiness exists in that +capital owing to demonstrations made by the photographists and artists +in plaster-of-Paris, who have been accustomed to reproduce likenesses +and busts of His Imperial Majesty. They complain that, owing to a +measure of uncertainty about the EMPEROR's personal appearance from +day to day, they have large stocks thrown on their hands, and are +reduced to a condition approaching bankruptcy. The crisis has been +precipitated by the circumstance that, just when the combined trades, +recovering from their first disaster, had produced a Christmas stock +of portraits and busts, showing His Majesty with a beard, he shaved +it off, and once more they have their goods returned on their hands. +Prussian 3½ per Cents. have fallen to 83-85. + + * * * * * + +When Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS read in the _Times_ that Signor LAGO +had been granted the QUEEN's permission to prefix "Royal" to his opera +entertainment at the Shaftesbury Theatre, it gave him so great a shock +that, but for the opportune ("opera-tune," Sir AUGUSTUS jocosely put +it) arrival of Dr. ROBSON ROUSTEM PASHA, the shock might have had a +serious effect. + + * * * * * + +On Monday last, at half-past three, the King of SPAIN cut a new tooth, +His Majesty's seventh acquisition in this class of property. The happy +event was celebrated by a salute of seventeen guns. + +"What's that?" asked His Majesty, awakened by the roar from his +siesta. + +"Sire," said the Field-Marshal commanding the troops, bringing his +trusty Toledo to the salute, "your Majesty has condescended to cut a +tooth." + +"That's all very well to begin with," said the King; "but, when I grow +a little older, I mean to cut a dash." + + * * * * * + +Previous to the appointment of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR, much speculation +was indulged in as to the succession to the Leadership of the House of +Commons. In Conservative circles there was an almost universal desire +to see the place filled by a noble Baron well-known for the assiduity +with which he arrives in town to transact business in Bouverie Street, +returning to his country seat the same evening. + + * * * * * + +During the interval after it had been made known that the Leadership +of the House of Commons had been offered to Mr. BALFOUR, and whilst +his decision was anxiously awaited, Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT was asked +whether he thought the Chief Secretary would take the place. + +"Who can say, TOBY _mio_?" answered the Squire, stroking his chin, +with a far-away glance. "The situation reminds me of an incident that +came under my notice when I represented Oxford borough. One of my +constituents, a worthy pastor, had had a call to another and much +wealthier church. He asked for time to consider the proposal. One +afternoon, a fortnight later, I met his son in High Street, and +inquired whether his father had decided to take the new place. 'Well,' +said the youngster, 'Pa is still praying for light, but most of the +things are packed.'" + + * * * * * + +We understand that an innovation will be introduced at Guildhall on +the occasion of the Lord MAYOR's dinner. The Lord MAYOR elect being +a Welshman, intends to substitute the leek for the loving cup. At +the stage of the festival where the loving cup usually goes round, a +dish of leeks will be passed along, and every guest will be expected +publicly to eat one. This will necessitate an alteration in the +time-honoured formula of the Toastmaster. On the 9th of November it +will run: "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Right Hon. the Lord +MAYOR pledges you with a loving leek, and bids you HALL a 'arty +welcome." + + * * * * * + +OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +(_BY CROESUS._) + + [_Mr. Punch_ has decided that it is absolutely necessary + for him to publish every week a financial article. The best + treatises on Political Economy lay it down as an axiom + that, where the desire for acquisition is universal, and the + standard of value absolute, a balance between gain and loss + can only be reached by the mathematical adjustment of _meum_ + and _tuum_. Acting upon this principle, _Mr. Punch_ has, in + the interests of everybody, retained the services of one of + the most, if not _the_ most, eminent contemporary financiers, + whom modesty alone prevents from signing his own name to his + benevolent and comprehensive articles. Those, however, who + care to look beneath the surface, will have no difficulty + in determining the identity of one of the greatest modern + monetary authorities, a man whose nod has before this + shattered prosperous empires, and whose word is even better + than his bond, could such a thing be possible. _Mr. Punch_ has + only one thing to say to those who desire to be rich. It is + this. Follow implicitly the advice of CROESUS.] + +SIR,--You have asked me to devote some of my spare time to the +enlightenment of your readers on matters connected with the +money-markets of the world. The request is an easy one to make. You +talk of spare time, as if the man who controlled millions of money, +and could _at any moment_ put all the Directors of the Bank of England +in his waistcoat pocket, had absolutely nothing to do except to devote +himself to the affairs of other people. Such a man has no leisure. +When he is not engaged in launching loans, or in admitting to an +audience the Prime Ministers of peoples rightly struggling to free +themselves from debt by adding largely to their public liabilities, +when, I say, he is not thusly or otherwisely engaged, his mind must +still busy itself with the details of all the immense concerns over +which he, more or less, presides. However, I am willing to make an +exception in your case, and to impart to you the ripe fruits of an +experience which has no parallel in any country of the habitable +globe. Without, therefore, cutting any more time to waste, I begin. + +[Illustration] + +(1.) _Mines_.--There can be no doubt that in this department a largely +increased activity may soon be expected. I am aware that in "Shafts" +there has been a downward tendency; but I am assured by the Secretary +of the "Dodjâ Plant Co." (19½, 6/8, 54·2½, 7/8), that the prospects +of this branch of investment were never more brilliant. The latest +report of the Mining Expert sent out to investigate this mine, runs +as follows:-- + +"I have now been three days in the interior of the Dodjâ Plant. I can +confidently state that I found no water, though there was evidence of +large deposits of salt, which could be worked at an immense profit. +The gold is abundant. I have crushed ten tons of quartz _with my own +hands_, and found the yield in florins extraordinary. The natives +guard the mouth of the mine. Please relieve promptly. My assistant +became a Salmi yesterday." + +There is some obscurity (intentional, of course) in the last +few words. I may, therefore, state that a Salmi is one of the +most important native bankers. The profession is only open to +millionnaires. I therefore say, emphatically, buy Dodjâs. + +(2.) _The Carbon Diamond Fields_.--The latest quotations are 14-5/8 to +the dozen, with irregular falls. Carbon Prefs. unaltered. Trusts firm. +This is a good investment for a poor man. In fact there could not be +a better. No necessity to deal through an ordinary stockbroker. Wire +"CROESUS, City." That will find me, and by return you shall have +address of banker, to whom first deposit for cover must be immediately +paid. + +(3.) _Italian Cattivas_ quieter. A Correspondent asks--"What do you +recommend a man who has laid by £20 to do in order to hold £1,000 at +the end of a month?" I say at once, Try Cattivas (19-2/5 Def.; Deb. +Stk. 14--15). Wire "CROESUS, City." + +(4.) _South-African Pih Kroost_ short. Gold continues to be in good +demand. Anybody wishing to make a quick profit out of a small sum, +such as from two to five sovereigns, wire "CROESUS, City" anytime +before 12·30. In all cases of telegraphing, the message must be +"Reply-Paid," or no notice will be taken of the communication. +Remember "Time is Money." Keep up a good supply of both, and you'll +live to bless "CROESUS." + +_Advice Gratis_.--Make (Brighton) "A," while the sun shines, + +Inquiries as to _The Para Docks Company_, and _The Jerrie Myer Bilder +Company_, I will answer squarely and fairly next week. Don't move in +these without the straight and direct advice of "CROESUS." + +As to the _Turpin, Sheppard, and Abershaw Highways Company_, I shall +have something to say next week. Investors who want a real good thing, +just hold your coin in hand for a week, till I say "Go," and then go +it. This Company will be a big thing, _and, mind you, safe_. + +For the present I close the account, to re-open it next week, and, to +show my good faith, send you my subscription, which you may read here, +as I subscribe myself, "CROESUS, CITY." + + * * * * * + +[Greek: THAE PROTEKTED PHEMALE.] + +[Illustration] + + ["For our part we do not believe in protected studies. Greek + came into the Western world, poor and needy, three centuries + ago. By her own unaided charms she has won her way. By + those charms we believe that she will hold her own against + all competitors until literature and civilisation are no + more."--_Times_.] + + Protected Greek! Protected Greek! + BALFOUR may doubt, the _Times_ demur, + And chattering "correspondents" seek + Against the goddess strife to stir, + But while the Senate rules, you bet, + The Goths shan't smash the Grecians yet. + + When Don meets Don injurious fray + Then comes in sooth the tug of war; + And on this memorable day + They gather in from near and far, + To whelm the unnatural ones who'd seek + To set the "Grace" against the Greek. + + SWETE looks on JEBB and JEBB on BROWNE, + And BATESON looks on ROBERTSON SMITH. + They cry, "Of WELLDON 'tis ill-done!" + But THOMSON is a man of pith, + And GRIMTHORPE, that scalp-hunting "Brave" + Will tomahawk the "Modern" slave. + + The Proctors sat with serious brow, + Within the swarming Senate House, + Voters in hundreds swarmed below, + Fellows of scholarship and _nous_. + They counted votes, and, when 'twas done, + _Non-placets_ had it, three to one! + + And where are they, Granta's fell foes, + The champions of the Modern side? + Five twenty-five emphatic "Noes" + Have squelched their schemes, and dashed their pride. + Hurroo! for those so prompt to vindicate + Compulsory Greek against the Syndicate! + + Thus sang, or would, or could, or should have sung, + The modern Greek, in imitative verse; + Meanwhile the Goddess, grave, though ever young, + Stood, Psyche-like, untempted to rehearse + The ragings--angrier ink was seldom slung-- + Uttered by BYRON in Minerva's Curse. + She simply stood, as stately-proud as Pallas, + Looking so calm, some might have deemed her callous. + + Amusing sight this game! _Don_ versus _Don_ + Mixed in a sort of classic Donny brook. + A lethal weapon is a Lexicon + When rivals make a bludgeon of the book. + By her unaided charms the Goddess won + Her way. _This_ is the language of her look. + (The Laureate's) "Judge thou me by what I am, + "So shalt thou find me, fairest"--_sans_ Compulsory Cram! + + * * * * * + +BETWEEN THE ACTS. + + SCENE--_Europe. The Great Powers discovered in Council._ + +_Russia_. Now, I think I have arranged matters fairly well. I shall +myself lend a hand to France, and that will keep the balance decently +level, so far as Germany is concerned. + +_Germany_. Will it? I can fight you both! + +_Austria_. Now, keep quiet. If we are to be partners, you must not be +so impulsive. + +_Italy_. Just what I say. Why can't he take it calmly! + +_Russia_. Well, of course it's not my business; but if you want to +break up the Triple Alliance, that's the way to do it! Well, then, +France employed with you boys on the Rhine, I shall move down south, +and quietly occupy Constantinople. Now, no one could object to that! + +_Germany_. Why, I should, and so would Austria, wouldn't you? + +_Austria_. Of course. But what could we do, if we were hard at work +with France? + +_Italy_. Yes; and fancy the Mediterranean becoming a Russian lake! + +_Russia_. Oh, you would soon grow accustomed to it! Then I should move +on to Afghanistan, and quietly make my way to India. But all this has +to be done after the first step is taken. England must scuttle out of +Egypt. + +_England_. Scuttle out of Egypt? Why, certainly! After consideration! +[_Left considering._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD. + +_Young Lady_ (_in Contralto tones of remarkable depth and richness_). +"HAVE YOU GOT ANY _LOW_ FRENCH SONGS?" + +_Music Publisher_ (_indignantly_). "_CERTAINLY_ NOT, MISS! YOU MUST +TRY SOME OTHER ESTABLISHMENT!"] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE COMING SHO. + +[Illustration] + +What a prowd and appy day dear old Whales is about for to have on the +werry next Lord Mare's Day, as is cumming, which it's the ninth of nex +month, which it's nex Monday. Not only is wun of the werry populusest +of living Welchmen a going for to be made Lord MARE on that werry day, +but the Prince of WHALES hisself, who was inwited but karnt kum cos +he's keepin' his hone Jewbilly at ome that appy and horspigious day. +Praps Madam HADDYLEANER PATTY (wich is quite a Welch name) would kum +up an give us a treat on this okashun. + +Praps my enthewsiasm in the cause of Whales may be xcused when I +reweals the fack that I am myself arf a Welchman, as my Mother was +a reel one before me, and so, strange to say, was my Huncle, her +Brother. There was sum idear of dressing me up as a Bard with a Arp, +and I was to jine in when the rest on us struck up "_The March of the +Men of Garlick_," but I prudently declined the temting horffer. I need +scarcely say that Welch Rabbits will be a werry striking part of the +Maynoo, being probably substituted for the Barrens of Beef. + +I'm told as all the Ministers is a cumming. + +BROWN, with his ushal raddicle imperence, says it's becoz they knos +as it's for the larst time. Yes, much BROWN knos about it, when he sed +jest the werry same thing larst year! I'm told as Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. +GOSHEN is to be seated nex to each other, so that they can take the +Loving Cup together. So that will be all rite. We are going to have a +splendid Persession--the werry longest and the werry hinterestingest +of moddern times! So I adwise all my many kyind paytrons and Country +Cuzzins to "_cum erly_." There's no telling what dredful changes may +take place in these horful rewolushunary times, and ewen the "Sacred +Sho" may be stript of sum of its many attrackshuns, or ewen erbolished +altogether! But that is, of course, only a fearfool wision, begotten, +as SHAKSPEARE says, of too much supper last nite, "a praying on my +eat-oppressed Brane!" No, no! There are things as is posserbel, and +there are things as ain't, and them as ain't done werry often happen. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +THE TWO GRACES. + + [Miss MAUDE MILLETT was at Cambridge last week, when the + Grace of the Senate for an inquiry into the Compulsory Greek + question was _placeted_ by a large majority.] + + The tug of war, when Greek met Anti-Greek + In deadly feud, was over in a trice. + They spoke out promptly, when they had to speak-- + They would not have the Grace at any price. + But undergraduates of every race + Flocked to the Theatre, each night to fill it. + The Grace THEY _placeted_ was just the Grace + Of one fair maiden--pretty Miss MAUDE MILLETT. + + * * * * * + +A CHILI PICKLE.--The following advertisement is sent us, extracted +from the _Chilian Times_:-- + + CASA QUINTA!--TO LET in Viña del Mar the first story of a + comfortable house, with beautiful garden and yard, situated + in the finest part of the villa, and consisting of eight rooms, + baths, gas, cellar and all other comforts, etc., against rent + or board to a matrimony--Apply, &c., &c. + +If Chilians can treat English like this, Americans will stand a poor +chance "_against rent or board to a matrimony_." The terms of the +lease in Chilian Legal English would probably "afford employment for +the gentlemen of the long robe." + + * * * * * + +The _Observer_ recently warned us that-- + + "LOUISA Lady AILESBURY must not be confounded with MARIA + Lady AILESBURY, who is the widow of the elder brother of her + husband." + +There is surely some misapprehension here. Lady "A." did not marry her +deceased husband's brother, whether "elder" or younger. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XIII. + + SCENE--_A hundred yards or so from the top of Monte Generoso, + above Lake Lugano. CULCHARD, who, with a crowd of other + excursionists, has made the ascent by rail, is toiling up the + steep and very slippery slope to the summit._ + +_Culchard_ (_to himself, as he stops to pant_). _More_ climbing! I +thought this line was supposed to go to the top! But that's Italian +all over--hem--as PODBURY would say! Wonder, by the way, if he +expected to be asked to come with me. I've no reason for sacrificing +myself like that any longer! (_He sighs._) Ah, HYPATIA, if you could +know what a dreary disenchanted blank you have made of my life! And I +who believed you capable of appreciating such devotion as mine! + +_A Voice behind_. My! If I don't know that back I'll just give up! +How've _you_ been getting along all this time, Mr. CULCHARD? + +_Culch._ (_turning_). Miss TROTTER! A most delightful +and--er--unexpected meeting, indeed! + +[Illustration: "Struggling with a long printed Panorama."] + +_Miss Trotter_. Well, we came up on the cars in front of yours. We've +taken rooms at the hotel up here. Poppa reckoned the air would be kind +of fresher on the top of this mountain, and I don't believe but what +he's right either. I guess I shall want another hairpin through _my_ +hat. And are you still going around with Mr. PODBURY? As inseparable +as ever, I presume? + +_Culch._ Er--_about_ as inseparable. That is, we are still travelling +together--only, on this particular afternoon-- + +_Miss T._ He went and got mislaid? I see. He used to stray +considerable over in Germany, didn't he? Well, I'm real pleased to see +_you_ anyway. And how's the poetry been panning out? I hope you've had +a pretty good yield of sonnets? + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). She's really grown distinctly prettier. +She might show a little more _feeling_, though, considering we were +almost, if not quite--(_Aloud._) So you remember my poor poems? I'm +afraid I have not been very--er--prolific of late. + +_Miss T._ You don't say! I should think you'd have had one to show for +every day, with the date to it, like a new-laid egg. + +_Culch._ Birds don't lay--er--I mean they don't _sing_, in the dark. +My light has been--er--lacking of late. + +_Miss T._ If that's intended for me, you ought to begin chirping right +away. But you're not going to tell me you've been "lounjun round en +sufferin'" like--wasn't it _Uncle Remus's_ Brer Terrapin? (_Catching_ +C.'s _look of bewilderment._) What, don't you know _Uncle Remus_? + +_Culch._ (_politely_). Mr. TROTTER is the only relation of yours I +have had the pleasure of meeting, as yet. + +_Miss T._ Why, I reckoned _Uncle Remus_ was pretty most everybody's +relation by now. He's a book. But likely you've no use for our +national humorous literature? + +_Culch._ I--er--must confess I seldom waste time over the humorous +literature of _any_ nation. + +_Miss T._ I guess that accounts for your gaiety! There, don't you +mind _me_, Mr. CULCHARD. But suppose we hurry along and inspect this +panorama they talk so much of; it isn't going to be any sideshow. It's +just a real representative mass-meeting of Swiss mountains, with every +prominent peak in the country on the platform, and a deputation down +below from the leading Italian lakes. It's ever so elegant,--and +there's Poppa around on the top too. + +_ON THE TOP. TOURISTS DISCOVERED MAKING MORE OR LESS APPROPRIATE +REMARKS._ + +_First Tourist_ (_struggling with a long printed panorama, which flaps +like a sail_). Grand view, Sir, get 'em all from here, you see! Monte +Rosa, Matterhorn, Breithorn-- + + [_Works through them all conscientiously, until, much to + everybody's relief, his panorama escapes into space._ + +_Second T._ (_a lady, with the air of a person making a discovery_). +How wonderfully small everything looks down below! + +_Third T._ (_a British Matron, with a talent for incongruity_). +Yes, dear, very--_quite_ worth coming all this way for, but as I +was telling you, we've always been accustomed to such an evangelical +service, so that our new Rector is really _rather_--but we're quite +_friendly_ of course; go there for tennis, and he dines with us, and +all that. Still, I _do_ think, when it comes to having lighted candles +in broad daylight--(&c., &c.) + +_Fourth T._ (_an equally incongruous American_). Wa'al, yes, they show +up well, cert'nly, those peaks do. But I was about to remark. Sir, I +went to that particular establishment on Fleet Street. I called for +a chop. And when it came, I don't deny I felt disappointed, for the +plate all around was just as _dry_--! But the moment I struck a fork +into that chop, Sir,--well, the way the gravy just came _gushing_ out +was--there, it ain't no use me trying to put it in words! But from +that instant, Sir, I kinder realised the peculiar charm of your +British chop. + +_Fifth T._ (_a discontented Teuton_). I exbected more as zis. It is +nod glear enough--nod at all. Zey dolt me from ze dop you see Milan. I +look all aroundt. Novere I see Milan! And I lief my obera-glass behint +me in ze drain, and I slib on ze grass and sbrain my mittle finger, +and altogedder I do not vish I had com. + +_Miss T._ (_presenting CULCHARD to Mr. CYRUS K.T._). I guess you've +met _this_ gentleman before! + +_Mr. T._ Well now, that's _so_. I didn't just reckon I'd meet him +again all this way above the sea-level though, but I'm just as pleased +to see him. Rode up on the cars, I presume, Sir? Tolerable hilly road +all the way, _ain't_ it now? There cann't anybody say we hain' made +the most of _our_ time since you left us. Took a run over to Berlin; +had two hours and a haff in that city, and I dunno as I keered about +making a more pro-tracted visit. Went right through to Vi-enna, saw +round Vi-enna. I did want, being so near, to just waltz into Turkey +and see that. But I guess Turkey'll have to keep till next time. Then +back again into Switzerland, for I do seem to have kinder taken a +fancy to Switzerland. I'd like to have put in more time there, and +we stayed best part of a week too! But Italy's an interesting place. +Yes, I'm getting considerable interested in Italy, so far as I've got. +There's Geneva now-- + +_Miss T._ You do beat anything for mixing up places, Father. And +you don't want to be letting yourself loose on Mr. CULCHARD this +way. You'd better go and bring Mr. VAN BOODELER along; he's round +somewhere. + +_Mr. T._ I do like slinging off when I meet a friend; but I'll shut +down, MAUD, I'll shut down. + +_Miss T._ Oh, there you are, CHARLEY! Come right here, and be +introduced to Mr. CULCHARD. He's a vurry intelligent man. My +cousin, Mr. CHARLES VAN BOODELER,--Mr. CULCHARD. Mr. VAN BOODELER's +intelligent too. He's going to write our great National Amurrcan +novel, soon as ever he has time for it. That's so, isn't it? + +_Mr. V.B._ (_a slim, pale young man, with a cosmopolitan air and a +languid drawl_). It's our most pressing national need, Sir, and I +have long cherished the intention of supplying it. I am collecting +material, and, when the psychological moment arrives, I shall write +that novel. And I believe it will be a big thing, a very big thing; I +mean to make it a complete compendium of every phase of our great and +complicated civilisation from State to State and from shore to shore. +[CULCHARD _bows vaguely._ + +_Miss T._ Yes, and the great Amurrcan public are going to rise up in +their millions and boom it. Only I don't believe they'd better start +booming just yet, till there's something more than covers to that +novel. And how you're going to collect material for an Amurrcan novel, +flying round Europe, just beats _me_! + +_Mr. V.B._ (_with superiority_). Because you don't realise that +it's precisely in Europe that I find my best American types. Our +citizens show up better against a European background,--it excites +and stimulates their nationality, so to speak. And again, with a big +subject like mine, you want to step back to get the proper focus. Now +I'm _stepping_ back. + +_Miss T._ I guess it's more like skipping, CHARLEY. But so long as +you're having a good time! And here's Mr. CULCHARD will fix you up +some sonnets for headings to the chapters. You needn't begin _right_ +away, Mr. CULCHARD; I guess there's no hurry. But we get talking and +_talking_, and never look at anything. I don't call it encouraging the +scenery, and that's a fact! + +_Mr. T._ (_later, to CULCHARD_). And you're pretty comfortable at your +hotel? Well, I dunno, after all, what there is to keep _us_ here. I +guess we'll go down again and stop at Lugano, eh, MAUD? + + [_CULCHARD eagerly awaits her reply._ + +_Miss T._ I declare! After bringing all my trunks way up here! But +I'd just as soon move down as not; they're not unpacked any. (_Joy of +C._) Seems a pity, too, after engaging rooms here. And they looked real +nice. Mr. CULCHARD, don't you and Mr. PODBURY want to come up here and +take them? They've a perfectly splendid view, and then we could have +yours, you know! (_C. cannot conceal his chagrin at this suggestion._) +Well, see here, Poppa, we'll go along and try if we can't square the +hotel-clerk and get our baggage on the cars again, and then we'll see +just how we feel about it. I'm perfectly indifferent either way. + +_Culch._ (_to himself, as he follows_). Can she be really as +indifferent as she seems? I'm afraid she has very little heart! But +if only she can be induced to go back to Lugano ... She will be at +the same hotel--a great point! I wish that fellow VAN BOODELER wasn't +coming too, though ... Not that they've settled to come at all yet!... +Still, I fancy she likes the idea ... She'll come--if I don't appear +too anxious about it! [_He walks on, trying to whistle carelessly._ + + * * * * * + +WAR IN A FOG. + +(_A RECORD OF THE NEXT CAMPAIGN OF THE COMING MOLTKE._) + +Our Army was now advancing in good order. We had the "A" Division +of the enemy on our right, and the "B" Division on our left, but of +course we had lost sight of Division "C." It was the morning after we +had taken the fortress that had unexpectedly appeared before us on our +right front, and had found ourselves to our surprise by the side of a +river. The Chief of my Staff entered my tent whilst I was engaged in +studying a map not very successfully. + +[Illustration] + +"General," said he, "military music can be heard in the distance, from +which I take it it must be the other part of our Army." "This is most +fortunate," I replied; "but are they supposed to be in this part of +the country? I fancied they were besieging the enemy's metropolis. + +"So it was reported," returned my subordinate; "but it appears that, +taking the first turning to the right, instead of the second to the +left, they lost their way, and instead of capturing the capital, +surrounded a harbour, in which, to their astonishment, they found his +fleet." + +"I suppose that the movements of Division 'C' are shrouded in +mystery?" + +"They are," returned the Chief of the Staff, saluting. "It is presumed +that the commander is wandering somewhere near the frontier. A spy +from his Army says that he had entirely lost touch of the country, +and was continually asking his way. But how about our friends, the +remainder of our Army, who are now approaching towards us? What shall +we do?" + +"Give them a fitting reception," was my reply. + +In a moment our Army halted and pitched their tents. Accustomed to +State functions of every sort and description, it was no difficult +matter to them to decorate the line of march appropriately. Suddenly +there was the sound of firing, and five minutes later an officer +wearing the uniform of the enemy entered my tent and surrendered his +sword. + +"General," said he, "I yield to your superior knowledge of military +tactics. I had expected to find friends, and now I have come across +foes. And you number more than half a million of men, do you not?" + +"Well, no; you may mean my brother commander, who has that force under +his orders. But we have only about twenty thousand." + +"And I have given up my arms for nothing," said my visitor. + +"To whom have I the honour of speaking?" I asked, haughtily. "I +presume, the Captain of the 'A' Division?" + +"The 'A' Division! Why, they are miles away! and so are the 'B' +Division." + +"Then, who on earth are you?" + +"Why, surely you know we are the 'C' Division?" + +At this moment the Chief of my Staff again appeared. "Sir," said he, +"are we to advance or retire? I must know at once, with a view to +arranging satisfactorily the requirements of the Commissariat." + +"One moment, Gentlemen," I replied, and then entered an inner recess. +I searched my pockets, and finding my tossing half-crown, spun it into +the air. I eagerly ascertained the result. + +"We will advance, Sir," said I to the Chief of the Staff on my +return. And my tone suggested both strong determination and peremptory +command. + + * * * * * + +LULLABY OF AN INFANT SPECULATOR. + +1891. + +(_A LONG WAY AFTER SIR WALTER SCOTT._) + + [Packets called "Lucky Sweets," in which the bait is the + chance of "prize gifts," are having a large sale amongst + children.] + +[Illustration] + + Oh, hush thee, my babie! thy sire is a "bear,"[1] + Thy mother a "booky," both leary and fair, + And the spirit of bold Speculation, I see, + Heredity's taint hath stirred early in thee. + Oh, two to one bar one! Heigh! dance, babie, dance! + Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the off-chance! + + Oh, hear not thy rattle, though loudly it goes; + Oh, suck not thy fingers! Oh, count not thy toes! + The "Last Odds" and "Share List" to thee shall be read + To-night ere thou'rt cosily tucked up in bed. + Oh, two to one bar one, &c. + + Oh, hush thee, my babie! Thy sire will soon come, + With "Surprise Packets" for thee. Oh, ain't it yum-yum? + And "Lucky Sweets," babie, will catch thine off eye. + Not "Hush-a-bye, babie!" but rather, "Buy! Buy!" + Oh, two to one bar one, &c. + + My lullaby, babie, 's not that of old nurse; + The pillow for thee has less charms than the purse; + It is not that "Sweets" from those packets you'd suck; + No, babie, your yearning's to try your young luck. + Oh, two to one bar one, &c. + + You eagerly buy them, the "Prizes" to seek + (You "blued" two-and-tenpence, my babie, last week), + Those "Lucky Sweets," babie, are babydom's "play." + But as for the sweets, why you chuck _them_ away! + Oh, two to one bar one, &c. + + Oh, princes may "punt," babie; nobles may "plunge," + But, babie, that chubby fist's cynical lunge + Means craving for nothing that babyhood _eats_: + No, babie, you'd fain do a "flutter" in sweets. + Oh, two to one bar one, &c. + + The tuck-shops, my babie, are well up to date; + They know Speculation now rules the whole State; + It sways all the classes, all ages, each sex; + So now we're provided with "Nursery Specs." + Oh, two to one bar one, &c. + + Shall Court, Camp and Counter all yield to the spell + And Cradledom not be considered as well? + Shall betting fire Oxford, and gambling witch Girton, + And Infancy not put its own little shirt on? + Oh, two to one, bar one, &c. + + Oh, hush thee, my babie! the time will soon come + When at Baccarat boards you'll sit sucking your thumb. + Meanwhile "Lucky Sweets," babie, buy while you may, + They will teach simple childhood the charms of high play. + Oh, two to one, bar one! Heigh! dance, babie, dance! + Oh, tiddley-um, diddley-um, back the off-chance! + +[Footnote 1: In the Stock Exchange sense, of course.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DOMESTIC DIAGNOSIS. + +_Jones_ (_who has come with his Wife to call on the new Neighbours_). +"WONDER IF THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED LONG, HYPATIA?" + +_Mrs. Jones._ "OH NO. EVIDENTLY NEWLY-MARRIED." + +_Jones._ "HOW CAN YOU TELL?" + +_Mrs. Jones._ "DRAWING-ROOM SMELLS OF TOBACCO-SMOKE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE. + +(_AN OLD-FASHIONED APOLOGUE WITH A MODERN APPLICATION._) + +GRANDOLH and ARTHUR were two young Apprentices, bound betimes to the +ingenious and estimable Art or Craft of _Cabinet-Making_. Both of +them were youths of a Sprightly Genius, and of an Alert Apprehension, +attended, in the case of GRANDOLPH, with a mighty heat and ebullition +of Fancy, which led early to a certain frothiness or ventosity in +speech. ARTHUR, on the other hand, though possessed of excellent +Parts, appeared to be of a more phlegmatic temperament, and took on +a more languorous, not to say saturnine demeanour. + +So it came about that for the time GRANDOLPH seemed to carry it over +his fellow Apprentice, who indeed, amongst superficial observers, +incurred the reproach of indolence and lackadaisical indifference, +and although both were of creditable repute in the _Craft_, yet did +GRANDOLPH shine the more prominently and give the greater promise +of pre-eminence, ARTHUR seeming content, as men say, to _play second +fiddle_ to the more pushing Performer. + +'Tis, however, within the purview of the Wise and the common +observation of the Judicious, that _things are not always as they +seem!_ + +GRANDOLPH, at an early epoch in his Apprenticeship, did found a +sort of Comradeny or Free Company, which, from the number of its +constituent items, came to be intituled _The Fourth Party_, in the +which ARTHUR modestly took subordinate place, with unobtrusive ease +and languid resignation. This Party did push matters in the _Craft_ +with a high hand and a talkative tongue. For as the ingenious Earl +of SHAFTESBURY saith in his _Soliloquy_, "Company is an extreme +provocative to Fancy, and, like a hot bed in gardening, is apt to +make our Imaginations sprout too fast." + +That GRANDOLPH was obnoxious to this charge of "sprouting too fast" +may seem made manifest by the sequel. He indeed pushed himself into +the front place by dint of copious verbosity, and militant oppugnancy. +But (as the same SHAFTESBURY saith) where, instead of Controul, +Debate, or Argument, the chief exercise of the wit consists in +uncontroulable Harangues and Reasonings, which must neither be +questioned nor contradicted; there is great danger lest the Party, +thro' this habit, shou'd suffer much by Cruditys, Indigestions, +Choler, bile, and particularly by a certain _tumour_, or _flatulency_, +which renders him, of all men, the least liable to apply the +wholesome _regimen_ of self-practice. 'Tis no wonder if such quaint +practitioners grow to an enormous size of Absurdity, whilst they +continue the reverse of that practice, by which alone we correct +the Redundancy of Humours, and chasten the exuberance of Conceit and +Fancy. + +Whether this particular "quaint practitioner" (our Idle Apprentice, +GRANDOLPH) plagued "the Party" too much with his "Cruditys, Choler," +&c., or whether he found himself unable to correct his own "Redundancy +of Humours," certain it is that, at the very Pinnacle of Promise, +and Height of Achievement, GRANDOLPH broke his indentures of +Apprenticeship, and _ran away!_ + +And now, indeed, came the Opportunity of the true Industrious +Apprentice, the hitherto calm and languid-looking, but, in verity, +valorous, and vigilant, and virile ARTHTUR. Whereof, to be sure, +he made abundant use, burgeoning forth into full blossom with +astonishing suddenness, seizing Opportunity by the forelock with manly +promptitude, and gaining golden opinions from all sorts of people; +so that, after brief probation, he slipped, by general acclaim, into +that very premier place so strangely, suddenly, and intempestively +abdicated by the Idle Apprentice, GRANDOLPH. + +Concerning the latter, the latest reports are not reassuring. Like his +celebrated prototype of fable, the ill-fated "Don't Care," he runneth +a chance of being "devoured by lions"! At least he appears to have +sought the company of those parlous beasts in their _native Afric +wilds_. We hear that "the lions kept him tucked up one night," which +same news (--gathered from a diurnal intituled the Johannesberg +_Star_--) hath a fearsome and ill-boding sound. That he is--for the +time at least--in every sense "tucked up," is only too obviously +true. Peradventure he may yet think the better of it, correct his +Frothy Distemper and Vagrant Disposition, and (as the agonising +advertisements have it) return to his friends that all may be forgiven +and much forgotten! + +But the last accounts of him picture him as lying languidly asprawl +upon a Mausoleum in Mashonaland, _playing dice with himself!_ The tomb +would indeed appear to be, in the sombre words of the Mystick Poet:-- + + "The vault of his lost Ulalume," + +the runic-sounding word, "Ulalume," being taken perchance as the +African synonym for "Reputation." Whether the cheering word _Resurgam_ +will ever be appropriate to _that_ Tomb remaineth to be seen. But +it would appear only too plain that GRANDOLPH (in the words of the +aforesaid SHAFTESBURY) "hath been a great frequenter of the woods and +river-banks, where he hath consum'd abundance of his breath, suffer'd +his Fancy to evaporate, and reduc'd the vehemence both of his Spirit +and Voice." In short, that the erst ambitious and aspiring GRANDOLPH +is still content, for the time at least, to play the part of _The Idle +Apprentice_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE IDLE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS APPRENTICE. + +(_A long way after Hogarth._)] + + * * * * * + +"WHYS"--WISE AND OTHERWISE. + +(_BEING QUEER QUERIES._) + +[Illustration] + + I wonder why, whene'er a four- + Wheeler advances to a door, + (A common thing on Britain's shore,) + I wonder why, + At once some aged man will stand + And stare until its inmates land, + As if enchained by something grand, + Or weird, or high. + + I wonder why the powers that mend + The streets should root them up, and rend + The roads with giant pipes on end + And bricks awry, + Just when we turn to town again; + Though nothing stirred while West Cockayne + Lay waste--a huge, deserted lane-- + I wonder why. + + I wonder why athwart the Row + Stray loafers linger, loth to go + Past the mid-crossing, and are so + Resolved to die, + Hoping that, as you gallop near + You'll maul them by your mad career-- + I wonder why. + + I wonder why, when theatre Stalls, + Are "papered" by Professionals, + And children arch in Thespis' halls + Their gambols ply, + Why the Box-office has the face + To offer _me_, who book place-- + A Stall that would the Pit disgrace, + I wonder why. + + I wonder why, whenever pressed + A little money to invest + In something which is quite the best + Affair to buy, + I _always_ read next morning that + Not _I_, but it (in parlance pat + Of City articles) was "Flat," + I wonder why. + + * * * * * + +CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS NURSERY RHYMES. + +(_FOR USE OF INFANT STUDENTS IN NEW SCHOOL OF DRAMATIC ART._) + + 'Tis the voice of the Prompter, + I hear him quite plain; + He has prompted me twice, + Let him prompt me again. + + * * * * * + +THE PRETTY SIMPLETON. + + [The _Spectator_ warns men against marrying simpletons, + pointing out that "there is no bore on earth equal to the + woman who can neither talk nor listen, and who has no mental + interests in common with her husband."] + +[Illustration] + + When fair BELINDA sweetly smiles, + And airily before you trips, + You're captured by her artless wiles, + And must admire her rosy lips. + You know that she is very fair, + You see that she has splendid eyes; + But ah, rash lover, have a care, + And find out if BELINDA's wise. + + For beauty, trust us, is not all + A wife in these days should possess; + Her conversation's apt to pall, + If she can talk of naught but dress. + She need not be too deeply read, + You do not want a priggish bride; + But still take care the pretty head + Can boast some little brain inside. + + In courtship all she said was sweet, + For you had died to win a glance; + Her little platitudes seemed neat, + Breathed 'mid the pauses of the dance. + You would have felt a heartless fiend + To criticise, when by her side; + Nor would the lady have demeaned + Herself to answer, had you tried. + + But when you've won her for a wife, + And ante-nuptial glamour dies, + What food for matrimonial strife + Her crass inconsequent replies. + How terrible to find her dense, + And never grasping what you mean; + You'll think one gleam of common sense + Worth more than finest eyes e'er seen. + + Days come when love no longer gives + Illusions as in hours of yore; + And hapless is the man who lives + To find his wife become a bore. + Then keep, if you'd avoid that day, + The wise _Spectator's_ golden rule: + Don't be by beauty led away, + And choose for wife a pretty fool. + + * * * * * + +In the _Times'_ book advertisement column, the S.P.C.K. announces the +following new publication:-- + + THE OUSE. By the Rev. A.J. FOSTER, M.A. + +This, we suppose, is the first of a new unaspirated ARRY SERIES. +The next Volume being _The Ome_, and, after that, _Books of Ighgate, +Amsted, Olloway, and other Ills_. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +The Baron recognises, with pleasure, the actuality of the dramatic +scenes _In Cambridge Courts_, by Mr. LEHMANN. The dialogues during +rehearsal at the A.D.C., and of the Classic Play, are about the best +of the many best things in the book. Mightily disappointed is the +Baron with Mr. J.H. SHORTHOUSE's _Lady Falaise_, which, beginning +so strongly, ends so feebly. Powerful it promised to be; exciting it +promised to be; but weak it becomes, and, now and again, wearisome. +Sorry for this is + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +QUERIES FOR CANDIDATES (L.C.C.) + +(_WHAT THEY MAY COME TO._) + +As the County Council now has power over the Tramways of London, +will you pledge yourself to see that smoking carriages, comfortable +cushions, waiting-rooms at street-corners, and constant civility, are +provided for passengers? + +Will you abolish the irritating and nefarious Ticket System? + +How long do you think it will be before the electric light is +universally established in the cars? + +What is your view as to the provision of suitable places for wet +umbrellas? + +Will you at once vote for "Free or Assisted Locomotion"? + +If a wheel of your private carriage comes off owing to skidding in +the Tramway line, will you pledge yourself not to bring any claim for +compensation against the Rates? + +Will you vote for the summary dismissal of any Conductor who proceeds +to count the passengers after being informed that he is "full inside"? + +Is it a fact that you have promised to introduce "Pullman Palace +Restaurant Cars, with free lunches," on the Tram-lines? If so, do you +contemplate providing the cost out of your own resources, or how? + +You state in your Address to the Electors that you "are desirous of +reducing the hours of Tram _employés_ to four a day, with two months' +holiday in the year, and of giving a general rise of wages up to +about £2 extra per week." Will you kindly say how you reconcile this +desire with your expressed intention to "run the concern on the most +economical plan, so as to save the pockets of the Ratepayers"? + +It is reported that you have pledged yourself, if elected, to see +that the Tram Conductors "get their Saturday to Monday at Brighton as +a regular thing." How do you propose to carry out this part of your +programme? + +Do you consider yourself justified, in face of the above statements, +in characterising the rival Candidate for the Council as "attempting +to catch the Labour Vote by an impudent combination of insincere +flattery, and fraudulent promises"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH ON TOUR. A REMINISCENCE OF THE RYDE SEASON.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A RECOMMENDATION. + +_Dealer_. "NOW THERE'S HACTION FOR YOU, SIR! PUTS HER FEET DOWN AS IF +SHE WAS A STEPPIN' ON HEGGSHELLS, DON'T SHE, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + +"BELOW THE BELT!" + +(_EXTRACTS FROM THE POLITICAL "FISTIANA" OF THE PERIOD._) + +I.--_BY THE "BRUMMAGEM BANTAM" (AS REPORTED IN THE "INJUDICIOUS +BOTTLEHOLDER")._ + +"The 'Arwarden Old 'Un, Gemmen? Lor bless yer, _he_ ain't no account, +nohow. Can't 'it a 'ole in a pound o' butter, _'e_ can't. Allus _was_ +a muff and a muddler; middling showy style, and a bit dodgy with his +dooks, but neither a slogger _nor_ a stayer, and, atween you and me +and the post, allus ready to hist the white feather when 'ard pressed. +Wot's that you say? _His_ 'Travelling Company'? A reglar swindle, and +a fair frost, Gemmen. Went 'round the country' on false purtences, and +never did no good nowheres. Awful poor lot o' Pugs, _that_ gang. Not +in it with the ''Atfield Combination Troupe,' as _can_ fight a bit, +and 'as some smart scrappers in it. No, Gemmen, the 'Old 'Un' _allus +were_ a fraud. Couldn't stand up to a Froggy, _'e_ couldn't. His +Company muddled the 'ole bag o' tricks, and made a hawful mess of it. +Ah, and _would_ agen, mark yer, if they got the chance. Should a'most +like to see 'em _'ave_ another shy, if only for the bloomin' fun o' +the thing; but it 'ud be a bit too expensive, and bring discredit on +our Noble Hart, besides." + +(_Comments of the I.B.H. "Brayco, Brummagem Bantam! His style of +hitting is straight and smart, in the ring or out of it. Hope the +over-rated Hawardian Old 'Un and his Company relish the pepper +young JOE has administered to the shifty Veteran and his parasitic +'Items'!"_) + +II.--_FROM THE "NEWCASTLE NOBBLER," ALIAS "HONEST JOHN."_ + +"Werry much surprised to see as that windictive Bounder, the +'Brummagem Bantam,' has bin a letting out wicious like at his old +pals, the 'Arwarden Old 'Un and his Pugilistic Company. '_They_ +was muffs and muddlers,' he sez. Well, he ought to ha' said 'we,' +considerin' as _he wos one on 'em_!!! The Old 'Un was his first +patron, and me and other members of the Company his pertikler pals, +and _then_ he used for to crack us all up sky-high. _Now_ he rounds +on us for 'making a mess of it.' Well, praps if _all_ wos knowed--but +no matter! Only, to quarrel with your old pals, and then go about +a-sneerin' and a-jeerin' at them for wot you yerself wos a party to, +_I_ call 'hitting below the belt'"! + +(_Comments of the I.B.H. "Bosh! 'Honest JOHN' is a shrew, and not a +Practical Pug. Is one prizefighter never to criticise another's style +because he's once been in the same Company with him? Might as well say +he must therefore never improve his own style. Besides, any stick is +good enough to beat the Grand Old Pug-dog with!"_) + +III.--_REJOINDER OF THE "BRUMMAGEM BANTAM."_ + +"'Itting below the belt be jolly well blowed! Honest JOHN don't +believe a word 'e sez--it's ony his narsty spite. Makes hisself the +wiaduck for the 'Arwarden Gang's witrol and winegar, _e_' do. In +course I wos one o' the Old 'Un's Company, wus luck! But I've larned +a bit since then. Wot do _you_ think? When I larruped my old pals, and +called 'em mugs, messers, and muddlers, in corse I included myself, +tacit-like. _But there was no call for to say so!_ As to not showing +of 'em up acos I wos one of 'em--Wal_ker_!!! If _that's_ the Newcastle +Nobbler's 'theory' of fair-play, 'e may jest go 'ome and eat coke!" + +(_Comments of the I.B.H. "The B.B. is quite right. If a Pug may not +round on his old pals for doing what he helped them to do, it follows +that he himself must never try to do better. Which is absurd! Go it, +JOE!"_) + +IV.--_SURREJOINDER FROM "HONEST JOHN."_ + +"My 'theory' ain't a bit wot the B.B. says it is. My 'theory' is that +it's mean, and unfair, and unperfessional to curry favour with one's +present backers by 'olding hup one's old pals to public redicule +for doing wot we 'elped 'em to do, and at the time praised 'em _for_ +doin'. I call that 'hitting below the belt!' And I believe every +'onest and manly Pug from FIGG to SAYERS would ha' said ditter to +''Onest JOHN.' That's all, Gemmen!" + +(_Comment of the I.B.H. "Bosh! JOE's style of hitting is no doubt +uncomfortable--for the Old 'Un and his pals. THAT'S EXACTLY WHY WE +LIKE IT! What's the use of hitting above the belt only when the foe's +only vulnerable below it? We rejoice to see the B.B. knocking the +sawdust out of the Grand Old Fistic Fetish, and squelching the cant +and claptrap out of 'Honest JOHN.'"_) + + * * * * * + +STORICULES. + +VII.--GAZEY. + +"You're the fust pineter whort I've knowed," said JULIA SANBY, +demurely. "Father works at a plumber's, but 'e ain't industr'us. 'E +ain't a good man. An' mother drinks. Orful!" + +JULIA SANBY had consented, in consideration of money received, to let +me make a sketch of her. She was a tall thin child, with a dirty and +very intelligent face, great grey eyes, and long reddish hair. She was +very bright and talkative; and yet she amazed me by being distinctly +sanctimonious. She looked critically round my studio on her entrance. + +[Illustration] + +"You ain't got no tex' 'ung up," she remarked, disparagingly. "We 'as +two tex' in our kitching. I 'ung 'em up myself. An' father beat me for +it. But I didn't keer, 'cos I knew I wos doin' good." + +She pressed her thin lips together, and looked like a mangled martyr. + +"Do you go to Sunday School?" I asked, as I got to work. + +"I goes reggler, an' I'm first in the School, and I knows more colics +than any of 'em, excep' teachers. I ain't like GAZEY." + +"Who's GAZEY?" + +"She's a girl what I 'ites. She's a bad girl. We calls 'er GAZEY, 'cos +it's short for GEHAZI; but that ain't 'er real nime. She's a liar. +She's allus tellin' lies--seems as if she couldn't storp doin' it." +JULIA SANBY sighed sadly. + +"What kind of lies?" + +"She don't tell no lies to get 'erself out of nothin'; 'cos she's so +bad that she don't keer whort rows she gets inter. But she tells other +sorts. She just sits up on the fence what goes roun' the green, an' +mikes up things, an' a lot of the children ain't got no more sense +than to sit roun' an' listen to 'er. That just mikes 'er worse. She +sits theer, a-tellin' stories, an' sweerin' they're all true. You +never 'eard such stories." + +"What are they all about?" + +"Mostly about gran' things an' wunnerful things--kings, an' carridges, +an' angels, an' firewux, an' dreams what she says she's 'ad. An' +she'll sweer they're true. My word, it is wicked of 'er! She's allus +pretennin' to be things what she ain't, too. One Sat'dy arf'noon she +said she was a steam-injun. An' she got 'old of a little boy, BOB +COLLINGS, and said 'e was the tender. An' BOB COLLINGS 'ad to foller +close be'ind 'er all that arf'noon, else she'd a' nigh killed 'im. 'E +got rather tired, because she kept runnin' about, bein' a express an' +'avin' cerlishuns. Lawst of all she wived 'er awms about, and mide a +kind o' whooshin' noise. 'Now,' she said, 'my biler's bust, an' I'm +done for!' So she lay flat on the wet groun', an' the tender went 'ome +to 'is tea." + +"What's she like to look at?" + +JULIA SANBY confessed, with apparent reluctance, that GAZEY was very +pretty. "She's prettier nor I am, nor any of the other childrun roun' +'ere. She's got golding 'air, an' blue eyes. But I 'ite 'er, 'cos +she's so bad, an' 'cos she mikes the other children bad. I don't never +listen to none of 'er mike-ups now." + +"Would she let me make a sketch of her?" + +"Dunno. You wouldn't like 'er. She's low in the wye she talks. The new +curick don't like 'er. Nobody don't like 'er." + +Now, just in this sentence, I fancied that the sanctimoniousness of +JULIA SANBY had become mixed with some real feeling. I also reflected +on the fact that, although most children are egoists, JULIA SANBY +seemed to take more pleasure in talking about GAZEY than in discussing +herself. I had distinct suspicions. + +"Could you remember any of GAZEY's stories?" + +"Might, p'raps." + +"Go on, then. Tell me one." + +She began a story, which was obviously an improvisation, with little +incidents taken from other stories added to it. It was full of the +wildest imaginings. She told it without the least nervousness or +embarrassment. Her assumption of demureness and sanctity vanished +utterly. She became vivid and dramatic. "An' I'd tike my gorspil oath +it's all true," she added, at the conclusion, as if from force of +habit. + +"JULIA SANBY," I said, "GAZEY has not got golden hair nor blue eyes, +neither is she pretty. _You_ are GAZEY." + +"I swear I ain't. I'm a good girl, and knows my colics; GAZEY's +something orful." + +"Very well," I answered, and went on finishing the sketch, as though +I took no interest in her. After a few seconds' silence, she added, +quite calmly, + +"Owdjer know? I can pretend proper, cawn't I? But I 'adn't never +talked about myself as if I was someone else afore. That pickshur +ain't much like me." + +"It will be when it's finished. Come to-morrow at the same time." + +"Do you think I'm a liar?" + +"You're either a liar or an artist, but I'm not sure which." + +GAZEY put on her exceedingly frowsy hat. "The new curick needn't a bin +so cock-sure about it then. G'mornin'." + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST FROM BOBBY. + +(_AN INTERCEPTED LETTER._) + +_Schoolhouse, Swishborough._ + +_Thursday._ + +[Illustration] + +DEAREST DARLING MOTHER, + +I was so glad to get the hamper, and it has done me much good, all the +fellows were pleased with the cake, and the sardines were first-rate, +and the potted stuffs were awfully good. I am sorry you forgot the +bottles of acidulated drops, but you can send them in the next +hamper as soon as you like. There are only sixty-two days to the +holidays--1688 hours including nights! Isn't that jolly! + +And now, my dear Mother, I want to write most seriously to you upon a +matter of great importance. You know I have been doing "Music" as an +"extra." Well, it does not agree with me. The fact is, it is an hour +every week in my playtime, when the Doctor says it is good for my +health that I should be enjoying myself. And "Music" is an extra, +like "Sausages for breakfast." And, of course, one has to think of +all that. How hard dear Papa works to get his living; and, of course, +I oughtn't to waste anything, ought I? Well, I really think I could +give up "Music." After all, it's awful rot, and only fit for a pack of +girls! So this is the great favour I'm going to ask you--and mind you +say "Yes." May I give up "Music," and take up "Sausages for breakfast" +instead? + +Always your most loving Son, BOBBY. + + * * * * * + +IF THE FASHION SPREADS. + + SCENE--_Interior of a Fashionable Church. The Incumbent has + read the Banns of Marriage between JOHN PLANTAGENET DE SMITH + and MARY STUART DE BROWN, and asks the usual question._ + +_Counsel_ (_rising in pew_). I beg to object. + +_Incumbent_ (_surprised, but self-possessed_). You will be good enough +to communicate with us in the Vestry, at the end of the service, + +_Counsel_. But I prefer to raise my objections at once. I may say, +Reverend Sir, that I am here on behalf of Mr. JOHN PLANTAGENET DE +SMITH, who is my client. I am instructed by the Messrs. CAPIAS of +Bedford Row, and I contend that since the Members of the London County +Council have instructed counsel to appear on their behalf at meetings +in which they themselves act judicially, the right extends to Places +of Public Worship. + +_Incumbent_. Perhaps we might hear you later. If you were kind enough +to raise your objections in the Vestry, it would be-- + +_Counsel_ (_interrupting_). Pardon me, that would scarcely be +satisfactory. We do not wish any hole-and-corner agitation. I +am instructed by my client to say, that he courts the fullest +investigation. Now, the facts are these:-- + + [_Gives the facts, and ends an eloquent speech with a + magnificent peroration._ + +_Incumbent_. In consequence of the rather long argument of our dear +and learned brother, the customary quarter of an hour's sermon will +not be given on this occasion. [_Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +AL FRESCO OPERA.--_Cavalleria Rusticana_ at the Royal Shaftesbury, +and _Le Rêve_ in the Winter (Covent) Garden kept by Ex-Sheriff +DRURIOLANUS. "About the latter," says Sir DRURIOLANUS, "some +enthusiasts quite _rave_. See?" (_Exit Ex-Sheriff, to note this down +for the forthcoming Pantomime._) + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, November 7, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14067 *** |