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diff --git a/old/14057.txt b/old/14057.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e84d2b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14057.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1746 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. +October 24, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. October 24, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 15, 2004 [EBook #14057] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +October 24, 1891. + + + + +LAISSEZ FAIRE. + +(_INSCRIPTION FOR A FREE PUBLIC LIBRARY._) + +[Illustration] + + Here is an Institution doomed to scare + The furious devotees of _Laissez Faire_. + What mental shock, indeed, could prove immenser + To Mumbo Jumbo--or to HERBERT SPENCER? + Free Books? Reading provided from the Rates? + Oh, that means Freedom's ruin, and the State's! + Self-help's all right,--e'en if you rob a brother-- + But human creatures must _not_ help each other! + The "Self-made Man," whom SAMUEL SMILES so praises, + Who on his fellows' necks his footing raises, + The systematic "Sweater," who sucks wealth + From toiling crowds by cunning and by stealth,-- + _He_ is all right, _he_ has no maudlin twist, + _He_ does not shock the Individualist! + But rate yourselves to give the poor free reading? + The Pelican to warm her nestlings bleeding, + Was no such monument of feeble folly. + _Let folks alone_, and all will then be jolly. + Let the poor perish, let the ignorant sink, + The tempted tumble, and the drunkard drink! + Let--no, _don't_ let the low-born robber rob, + Because,--well, that would rather spoil the job. + If footpad-freedom brooked no interference, + Of Capital there might be a great clearance; + But, Wealth well-guarded, let all else alone. + 'Tis thus our race hath to true manhood grown: + To make the general good the common care, + Breaks through the sacred law of _Laissez Faire_! + + * * * * * + +A REMONSTRANCE. + +_TO LUKE'S LITTLE SUMMER._ + +[Illustration] + + Ah, Summer! now thy wayward race is run, + With soft, appeasing smiles thou com'st, like one + Who keeps a pageant waiting all the day, + Till half the guests and all the joy is gone, + And hearts are heavy that awoke so gay. + + What though the faithful trees, still gladly green, + Show fretted depths of blue their boughs between, + Though placid sunlight sleeps upon the lawn, + It only tells us of what might have been + Of fickle favours wantonly withdrawn. + + Blown with rude winds, and beaten down with rain, + How can the roses dare to trust again + The tricksy mistress whom they once adored? + Even the glad heaven, chilled with stormy stain, + Grudges its skylark pilgrims of its hoard. + + Poor is the vintage that the wild bee quiffs, + When the tall simple lilies--the giraffes + That browse on loftier air than other flowers-- + When all the blooms, wherewith late Summer laughs, + Like chidden children droop among the bowers. + + Oft like a moorhen scuttling to the reeds, + The cricket-ball sped o'er the plashy meads, + And rainbow-blended blazers shrank and ran + When showers, in mockery of his moist needs, + Half-drown'd the water-loving river man. + + What woman's rights have crazed thee? + Would'st thou be + A Winter Amazon, more fierce than he? + Can Summer birds thy shrew-heroics sing? + Wilt tend no more the daisies on the lea, + Nor wake thy cowslips up on May morning? + + What, shall we brew us possets by the fire + And let the wild rose shiver on the brier. + The cowslip tremble in the meadows chill, + While thy unlovely battle-call wails higher + And dusty squadrons charge adown the hill? + + It is too late; thou art no love of mine; + I answer not this sigh, this kiss divine; + The sunlight penitently streaming down + Shines through the paling leaf like thinnest wine + Quaff'd in the clear air of a mountain town. + + Farewell! For old love's sake I kiss thy hands; + Go on thy way; away to other lands + That love thee less, and need thee less than we; + Pour out thy passion on some desert sands, + Forget thy lover of the Northern Sea. + + Away with fond pretence; let winter come + With snow that strikes the heaviest footfall dumb. + We know the worst, and face his rage with glee; + And, though the world without be ne'er so glum, + Sit by the hearth, and dream and talk--of thee. + + Yes, come again with earliest April; stay, + Thyself once more, through the fair time when day + Clasps hand with day, through the brief hush of night-- + A twilight bower of roses, where in play + Dance little maidens through from light to light. + + * * * * * + +BIRDS OF A FEATHER. + + [Lord HAWKE's team of Cricketers were beaten at Manheim by + the Philadelphians by eight wickets whereat the _Philadelphia + Ledger_ cockadoodles considerably. The Britishers, however, + won the return match somewhat easily.] + + The Yankee Eagle well might squeal and squawk + At having licked the British bird (Lord) HAWKE. + But when that HAWKE his brood had "pulled together," + That Eagle found it yet might "moult a feather." + Go it, ye friendly-fighting fowls! But know + 'Tis only "Roosters" who o'er conquest _crow_! + + * * * * * + +HOME SWEET HOME! + +(_BY ONE WHO BELIEVES THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE IT._) + +[Illustration] + + Sweet to return (for home the Briton hankers, + After an exile of two months or so, + Swiss or Italian). Sweet--to find your Banker's + Balance getting low. + + Sweet to return from Como or Sorrento. + Meshed in their shimmering net of drowsy sheen, + Into a climate that you know not when to + Really call serene. + + Sweet to return from hostelries whose waiters + Rush to fulfil your slightest word or whim, + Back to a cook who passionately caters + Not for you, but _him_. + + Sweet to return from _Table-d'Hotes_ disgusting + (Oh, how you grumbled at the _Sauce Romaine_!) + Fresh to the filmy succulence incrusting + Solid joints again. + + Sweet to return from Innkeepers demurely + Pricing your candle at a franc unshamed, + Back to a land where perquisites are surely + Never, never claimed. + + Sweet to return from bargaining, disputing, + _Pourboires_ and _Trinkgelds_ grudgingly bestowed-- + Unto the simple charioteers of Tooting, + Or the Cromwell Road. + + Sweet to return from "all those dreadful tourists," + Such mixed society as chance allots, + E'en to the social splendour of the purists + Of those sparkling spots. + + Sweet to return to bills and fogs and duty! + (Some of the latter at our Custom House) + Sweet, after smaller game, to hail the beauty + Of the British mouse! + + Sweet too the sight of cockchafer; and sweet'll + Welcome the pilgrim, doomed too long to roam, + England's tried sentinel, the black, black beetle + With his "Home, sweet Home!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LONDON'S DILEMMA; OR, "FAIR ROSAMOND" UP TO DATE. + +(_Lately-discovered Fragments of a valuable and interesting "Variant" +of the old Ballad Story._)] + + * * * * * + + When as VICTORIA rulde this land, + The firste of that greate name, + Faire Loundonne, of the cockneyes lovde, + Attaynd to power and fame. + + Most peerlesse was her splendoure founde, + Her favour, and her face; + Yet was there one thing marred her weale, + And wroughte her dire disgrace. + + Her dower was all that showered golde, + Like Danae's, could her lende, + Yet dwelt she in the ogreish holde + Of fell and fearsome fiende. + + Yea Loundonne Towne, faire Loundonne Towne, + Her name was called so, + To whom the Witch Monopolie + Was known a deadlye foe. + + * * * * * + + Now when ye Countie Councile woke, + And FARRER rose to fame, + With envious heart Monopolie + To Loundonne straightway came. + + "Cast off from thee those schemes," said she, + "That greate and costlye bee, + And drinke thou up this deadlye cup, + Which I have brought to thee!" + + "Take pitty on my awkward plight!" + Faire Loundonne she dyd crye, + "And lett me not with poison stronge + Enforced be to dye!" + + Then out and laught that wicked Witch: + "If that you will not drinke, + This dagger choose! Though you be riche, + You'll shrinke from _that_, I thinke." + + The dagger was a magic blayde, + With figures graven o'er, + Which, as you gazed thereon, did seeme + To growe to more and more. + + "Nay," quothe faire Loundonne, "'tis but choyce + 'Twixt dyvill and deepe sea! + I praye thee take thyself awaye, + And leave the jobbe to me!" + + But nothynge could this grasping Witch + Therewith appeased be. + The cup of deadlye poison stronge, + As she knelt on her knee, + + She gave this comely dame to drinke, + Who tooke it in her hande, + Then from her bended knees arose, + And on her feet did stande. + + And casting Council-wards her eyes, + She did for rescue call, + When--[_Fragmentes further may be founde,_ + _At presente thys is alle!_ + + _If close researche, as welle we hope,_ + _Perchaunce complete ye texte,_ + _This ballade, as scribes saye, shall be_ + _"Continued in our next!"_] + + * * * * * + +ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. + +[Illustration] + +Wanted, a few good extra Judges, who will be prepared to do all the +work at present delayed or neglected by the existing members of the +Bench. They will be expected to dispense with all vacations except a +week at Christmas, five days at Easter, and a fortnight from the first +to the fifteenth of October. They will devote their entire time to the +service of the State, both day and night. Their day will be devoted to +business in the High Court of Justice in the Strand, and when required +they will go Circuit (by special express) sitting at the various +assizes from 9 P.M. until 3 A.M., returning to London by trains timed +to reach the Metropolis sufficiently early to allow of the usual +morning sitting. They will be further required to consider their +leisure (if any) entirely at the disposal of those members of the +Bar and Solicitors who require it. If they do this punctually and +diligently, without knocking up, they will be permitted to draw +salaries computed at the rate of about one-third of the emoluments +received by a third-rate Queen's Counsel; and if they grow lazy, or +are incapacitated by illness, they will be rewarded by a number of +personal attacks in the London newspapers. Applications to be sent +to the Lord Chancellor (endorsed "Extra Judges to suppress outside +clamour") as early as possible. Every candidate for an appointment +will be expected to be as strong as a horse, and as insensible to +feeling as the back of a rhinoceros. + + * * * * * + +Big Drinkers, Moderate Drinkers, and Little Drinkers--this is the +Tipple Alliance! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 3. + +WHEN HIS DENTIST _WILL_ SUSPEND OPERATIONS TO TELL HIM FUNNY STORIES.] + + * * * * * + +GILBERT A BECKETT. + +BORN, APRIL 7, 1837. DIED, OCT. 15, 1891. + + "Wearing the white flower of a blameless life." + +TENNYSON. + + GILBERT the Good! Title, though high, well earned + By him through whose rare nature brightly burned + The fire of purity, + Undimmed, unflickering, like some altar flame + Sky-pointing ever. Friend, what thought of blame + Hath coldest heart for thee? + + A knightly-priest or priestly-knight wert thou, + Man of the radiant eye and reverent brow; + Chivalry closely knit + With fervent faith in thee indeed were blent; + Thought upon high ideals still intent, + And a most lambent wit. + + Serene, though with a power of scathing scorn + For all things mean or base. Sorrow long borne, + Though bowing, soured not thee. + Bereaved, health-broken, still that patient smile + Wreathed the pale lips which never greed or guile + Shaped to hypocrisy. + + A saintly-hearted wit, a satirist pure, + Mover of mirth spontaneous as sure, + And innocent as mad; + Incongruous freak and frolic phantasy + Were thy familiar spirits, quickening glee + And wakening laughter glad. + + Dainty as _Ariel_, yet as _Puck_ profuse + Of the "preposterous," was that wit, whose use + Was ever held "within + The limits of becoming mirth." His whim + Never shy delicacy's glance could dim, + Or move the cynic grin. + + But that fate's hampering hand lay on him long + He might have won in drama and in song + A more enduring name. + But he is gone, the gentle, loyal, just, + Whence all these things fall earthward with the dust + Of fleeting earthly fame. + + Gone from our hoard, gone from the home he loved! + With what compassion are his comrades moved + For those who sit alone + With memories of him! Gracious memories all! + A thought to lighten, like that flower, his pall, + And hush love's troubled moan. + + Farewell, fine spirit! To be owned thy friend + Was something to illume the unwelcome end + Of comradeship below. + A loving memory long our board will grace, + In fancy, with that sweet ascetic face. + That brow's benignant glow. + + * * * * * + +RHYME AT RHYL. + +(_BY A LISTENING LAYMAN._) + + If Cleric Congresses could only care + A little less for the mere Church and Steeple, + Parochial pomp and power in lion's share, + And have one aim--to purify the People, + They need not shrink from Disestablishment, + Or any other secular enormity; + Unselfish love of Man destroys Dissent, + True Charity provokes no Nonconformity. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XI. + + SCENE--_A Balcony outside the Musik-Saal of the Insel Hotel, + Constance. Miss PRENDERGAST is seated; CULCHARD is leaning + against the railing close by. It is about nine; the moon has + risen, big and yellow, behind the mountains at the further + end of the lake; small black boats are shooting in and out of + her track upon the water; the beat of the steamers' paddles + is heard as they come into harbour. CULCHARD has just + proposed._ + +_Miss Prendergast_ (_after a silence_). I have always felt very +strongly with RUSKIN, that no girl should have the cruelty to refuse a +proposal-- + +_Culchard_ (_with alacrity_). RUSKIN is always so right. +And--er--where there is such complete sympathy in tastes and ideas, as +I venture to think exists in our own case, the cruelty would-- + +[Illustration: "It does seem rather rough on fellows, don't you +know."] + +_Miss P._ Pray allow me to finish! "Refuse a proposal _at once_" is +RUSKIN's expression. He also says (if my memory does not betray me), +that "no lover should have the insolence to think of being accepted at +once." You will find the passage somewhere in "_Fors_." + +_Culch._ (_whose jaw has visibly fallen_). I cannot say I recall it +at this moment. Does he hold that a lover should expect to be accepted +by--er--instalments, because, if so-- + +_Miss P._ I think I can quote his exact words. "If she simply doesn't +like him, she may send him away for seven years--" + +_Culch._ (_stiffly_). No doubt that course is open to her. But why +seven, and where is he expected to go? + +_Miss P._ (_continuing calmly_). "He vowing to live on cresses and +wear sackcloth meanwhile, or the like penance." + +_Culch._ I feel bound to state at once that, in my own case, my +position at Somerset House would render anything of that sort utterly +impracticable. + +_Miss P._ Wait, please,--you are so impetuous. "If she likes him a +little,"--(_CULCHARD's brow relaxes_)--"or thinks she might come to +like him in time, she may let him stay near her,"--(_CULCHARD makes +a movement of relief and gratitude_)--"putting him always on sharp +trial, and requiring, figuratively, as many lion-skins or giants' +heads as she thinks herself worth." + +_Culch._ (_grimly_). "Figuratively" is a distinct concession on +RUSKIN's part. Still, I should be glad to know-- + +_Miss P._ If you will have a little more patience, I will make myself +clear. I have always determined that when the--ah--occasion presented +itself, I would deal with it on Ruskinian principles. I propose in +your case--presuming of course that you are willing to be under vow +for me--to adopt a middle course. + +_Culch._ You are extremely good. And what precise form of--er--penance +did you think of? + +_Miss P._ The trial I impose is, that you leave Constance +to-morrow--with Mr. PODBURY. + +_Culch._ (_firmly_). If you expect me to travel for seven years with +him, permit me to mention that I simply cannot do it. My leave expires +in three weeks. + +_Miss P._ I mentioned no term, I believe. Long before three weeks +are over we shall meet again, and I shall be able to see how you +have borne the test. I wish you to correct, if possible, a certain +intolerance in your attitude towards Mr. PODBURY. Do you accept this +probation, or not? + +_Culch._ I--ah--suppose I have no choice. But you really must allow me +to say that it is _not_ precisely the reception I anticipated. Still, +in your service, I am willing to endure even PODBURY--for a strictly +limited period; that I _do_ stipulate for. + +_Miss P._ That, as I have already said, is quite understood. Now go +and arrange with Mr. PODBURY. + +_Culch._ (_to himself, as he retires_). It is _most_ unsatisfactory; +but at least PODBURY is disposed of! + + _The same Scene, a quarter of an hour later. PODBURY and + Miss PRENDERGAST._ + +_Podbury_ (_with a very long face_). No, I _say_, though! RUSKIN +doesn't say all that? + +_Miss P._ I am not in the habit of misquoting. If you wish to verify +the quotation, however, I daresay I could find you the reference in +_Fors Clavigera_. + +_Podb._ (_ruefully_). Thanks--I won't trouble you. Only it does seem +rather rough on fellows, don't you know. If everyone went on his +plan--well, there wouldn't be many marriages! Still, I never thought +you'd say "Yes" right off. It's like my cheek, I know, to ask you at +all; you're so awfully clever and that. And if there's a chance for +me, I'm game for anything in the way of a trial. Don't make it stiffer +than you can help, that's all! + +_Miss P._ All I ask of you is to leave me for a short time, and go and +travel with Mr. CULCHARD again. + +_Podb._ Oh, I say, Miss PRENDERGAST, you know. Make it something else. +_Do!_ + +_Miss P._ That is the task I require, and I can accept no other. It is +nothing, after all, but what you came out here to do. + +_Podb._ I didn't know him _then_, you see. And what made me agree +to come away with him at all is beyond me. It was all HUGHIE +ROSE's doing--he said we should get on together like blazes. So we +have--_very_ like blazes! + +_Miss P._ Never mind that. Are you willing to accept the trial or not? + +_Podb._ If you only knew what he's like when he's nasty, you'd let +me off--you would, really. But there, to please you, I'll do it. I'll +stand him as long as ever I can--'pon my honour I will. Only you'll +make it up to me afterwards, won't you now? + +_Miss P._ I will make no promises--a true knight should expect no +reward for his service, Mr. PODBURY. + +_Podb._ (_blankly_). Shouldn't he? I'm a little new to the business, +you see, and it _does_ strike me--but never mind. When am I to trot +him off? + +_Miss P._ As soon as you can induce him to go--to-morrow, if possible. + +_Podb._ I don't believe he'll _go_, you know, for one thing! + +_Miss P._ (_demurely_). I think you will find him open to persuasion. +But go and try, Mr. PODBURY. + +_Podb._ (_to himself, as he withdraws_). Well, I've let myself in for +a nice thing! Rummest way of treating a proposal _I_ ever heard of. +I should just like to tell that fellow RUSKIN what I think of his +precious ideas. But there's _one_ thing, though--she can't care about +CULCHARD, or she wouldn't want him carted off like this.... Hooray, I +never thought of that before! Why, there he is, dodging about to find +out how _I've_ got on. I'll tackle him straight off. + + [_CULCHARD and PODBURY meet at the head of the staircase, + and speak at the same moment._ + +_Culch._ Er--PODBURY it has } +occurred to me that we might-- } + } leave this place to-morrow! +_Podb._ I say, CULCHARD, we } +really ought to-- } + +_Podb._ Hullo! we're both of one mind for once, eh? (_To himself_.) +Poor old beggar! Got the sack! That explains a lot. Well, I won't tell +him anything about this business just now. + +_Culch._ So it appears. (_To himself_.) (Had his _quietus_, evidently. +Ah, well, I won't exult over him. + + [_They go off together to consult a time-table._ + +_Miss. P._ (_on the balcony, musing_). Poor fellows! I couldn't very +well say anything more definite at present. By the time I see them +again, I may understand my own heart better. Really, it is rather an +exciting sensation, having two suitors under vow and doing penance at +the same time--and all for my sake! I hope, though, they won't mention +it to one another--or to BOB. BOB does not understand these things, +and he might-- But, after all, there are only _two_ of them. And +RUSKIN distinctly says that every girl who is worth _anything_ ought +always to have half-a-dozen or so. Two is really _quite_ moderate. + + * * * * * + +A TOO-ENGAGING MAIDEN'S REPLY. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S KIND PERMISSION._) + +[Illustration] + + Yes, I read your effusion that lately got printed, + And at first never guessed there was anything meant. + But when someone suggested that something was hinted, + On your verses some time I reluctantly spent. + They are fair--and perhaps _you_ consider them clever, + You're a poet, no doubt, of a _minor_ degree, + But I never was startled so strangely--no, never! + As to learn that the lady you mentioned was me! + + In the coolest of ways you sum up my attractions, + Pray allow me to turn my attention to _you_. + You are good, I believe, at the vulgarest fractions, + You have cheek and assurance sufficient for two. + You are what people reckon "a nice sort of fellow," + Your sense of importance very strongly you feel. + You are bilious, you've got a complexion of yellow, + You are plainer than I am--which says a good deal. + + "Am I free altogether from blame in the matter?"-- + And as to my frowning, I don't know the way-- + Do you really imagine that insolent chatter + Can affect me, or that _I_ care for what people say? + With fervent adorers around by the dozen, + For whom but my word is the law of their life. + Do you think I'd occasion to pitch on a cousin, + And announce that _you_ wanted myself as your wife? + + Do not think I am angry, I am good at forgiving, + Have my constant refusals then made you so sour? + Even poets in _Punch_ have to write for their living, + And must wear their poor lives out at so much the hour. + I am weary and tired of being proposed to, + And at times I'm afraid it will injure my brain, + But my heart for the future yourself, mind, is closed to, + So don't, I implore, come proposing again. + + * * * * * + +A REAL BURNING QUESTION.--What should be done with the mischievous and +malicious noodles who communicate false alarms (to the number of 518 +in one year) to the London Fire Brigade, by means of the fire-alarm +posts fixed for public convenience and protection in the public +thoroughfares? The almost appropriate Stake is out of date, but _Mr. +Punch_ opines that the Pillory would be none too bad for them. + + * * * * * + +THE BULL, THE BEAR, AND THE OXUS.--Russia, it is asserted, "intends to +annex the whole of the elevated plateaus known as the Pamirs, and all +parts of Afghanistan north of a straight line drawn from Lake Victoria +to the junction of the Kotcha River with the Oxus." JOHN BULL might +say, "I should like to Kotcha at it!" + + * * * * * + +SOME LONDON "FIENDS." + +(_HOW TO EXORCISE, AFTER READING CORRESPONDENCE ON THE SUBJECT IN +SEVERAL "DAILIES."_) + +_THE "WALKING-STICK AND UMBRELLA FIEND."_ + +[Illustration] + +Provide yourself with a steel-plated umbrella (carriage size), with +a "non-conducting" handle. When open in a shower, where people are +hurrying, let the framework bristle with sharp penknife points. Held +firmly in front of you, you will find everyone get out of your way. +In entering a crowded omnibus or railway carriage, by touching a knob, +let the heat generated by the electric current instantly cause the +whole to become "red-hot." Dexterously moved about in front of you, +you will find this a most thoroughly protecting weapon, clearing +instantly a large space on each side of you, and even sometimes +involving the summoning of the conductor or guard, with a view to your +removal either to another compartment, or even a general request for +your expulsion from the vehicle altogether. This may lead possibly to +your enjoyment of an entire compartment to yourself; for, of course, +you will point out that you cannot be expected to travel without your +umbrella, which, after all, happens merely to be constructed on a +newly-patented principle. + +_THE "HANSOM CAB FIEND."_ + +This is easily overcome. You have merely to employ an agent to +purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a high-pressure +boiler, and the thing is done. With practice, you can easily get eight +miles an hour out of one of these excellent machines, and you will +find a general indifference as to the rule of the road, especially +if you turn a corner or two at a stiff pace, act as a capital +"road-clearer." Even the smartest butcher's cart will do its best to +get out of your way when it sees you coming. + +_THE "PIANO ORGAN, GERMAN BAND, AND GENERAL STREET MUSIC FIEND."_ + +Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) several +fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of their excessive and +unbearable shrillness. Whenever any sort of street music commences at +either end of your street, turn on, by an apparatus specially +arranged in your area, the full force of the above. This will not only +overpower your would-be tormentors, but bring every householder in +the neighbourhood to his street-door begging you to desist. You +have merely to say, "When they stop, _I_ turn off," to get them to +comprehend the situation. It may possibly lead to the intervention of +the police, probably in some force; but the net result will be that +you will, for that morning, at least, enjoy a quiet street. + +There are other London fiends removable by various measures, +concerning which much might be said if they were not actionable. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN "BREAKING IN" HIS +SHOOTING-BOOTS.] + + * * * * * + +"GRATITUDE--A SENSE OF FAVOURS TO COME."--Mr. SWINBURNE unexpectedly +says a good word for the much be-mocked BOWDLER. "No man (he says), +ever did better service to SHAKSPEARE than the man who made it +possible to put him into the hands of intelligent and imaginative +children." Can Mr. SWINBURNE be "proticipating" the period when +another BOWDLER may be called upon to do a similar "service" for the +author of _Poems and Ballads?_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRENCH AND ENGLISH. + +(_As zey are Spoke at ze Country 'Ouse._) + +_Hostess_. "OH--ER--J'ESPAIR KER VOOS AVVY TROOVY +VOTRE--VOTRE--ER--ER--VOTRE _COLLAR STUD_, BARRONG?" + +_M. le Baron_. "OH, I ZANK YOU, YES! I FIND 'EEM ON MY _CHEST OF +TROWSERS_!"] + + * * * * * + +"AFTER YOU!" + + ["I am sure I may say, on behalf of all those whose names are + mentioned (for the Leadership of the House of Commons), + that we do not understand what selfishness is in the Public + Service. Everyone of us would prefer that someone else should + hold that high and honourable office."--_Sir M. Hicks-Beach at + Stockton-on-Tees_.] + +_Eminent official Altruist loquitur_:-- + + Oh, _is_ there such a vice as unholy love of self. + In the Public Service, too? 'Tis a thing I can't believe. + If I thought we could be moved by the love of power or pelf, + To compete for premier office I should very greatly grieve. + But oh no, oh deary no! I am sure it can't be so. + We don't even "understand it," so of course it isn't true. + When we're called upon to go, each will say, all louting low, + "After _you_!" + + We are not "competitive," like those naughty goddesses + Who poor Paris fluttered so upon Ida's pine-clad peak. + Of his "choice"--through selfishness--that young shepherd made a mess, + But our Shepherd, SALISBURY, will not be so wildly weak; + And our claims _we_ shall not urge to compulsion's very verge, + On the contrary each one thinks that "another" best will do. + "No, loved comrade" (each will say) "let me make my 'splendid splurge' + "After _you_!" + + Look at GOSCHEN! Can't you see he regards with perfect glee + The prospect of promotion of his faithful friend BALFOUR. + _He_ doesn't want to lead. Ah no, indeed, indeed! + Do you think that off friend ARTHUR JOACHIM can wish to score? + Upon the Treasury Bench did he ever try to trench + On the province of the Leader for the time, no matter who? + He would cry, "Dear ARTHUR, No! from priority I blench,-- + "After _you_!" + + Then bland BALFOUR in his turn such crude selfishness would spurn + As the wish to prove himself popular more than soft J.G., + With a most becoming blush his pale cheek, I'm sure, would burn, + If his uncle should cry, "Come, nephew dear, and second me!" + He would hint at nepotism, and the chance of secret schism. + "Let the mild ex-Liberal lead, I will be his henchman true!" + He would cry, with selfless joy on his brow like a pure chrism, + "After _you_!" + + And as for simple Me! Oh, it's utter fiddle-de-dee + To suppose that I possess, or desire, the least look in. + No, selfishness, my friends, we unitedly agree + In Party life is just _the_ unpardonable sin, + Which "we do not understand," like that other little game + That AH-SIN, reluctant, played, with some small success 'tis true. + But _we_'ve no sleeve-hidden card as we cry, with modest shame, + "After _you_!" + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME?--The _St. James's Gazette_ says:--"There are +forty-seven divorces in the United States for every one in the United +Kingdom." Evidently "United" is something more than _anagrammatically_ +identical with "Untied." + + * * * * * + +"GRAY'S ELEGY" AMENDED. + + ["I have often thought that GRAY's _Elegy_ was defective + in having no verse commemorative of the sequestered and + unsophisticated philanthropy of the village doctor."--_Sir + James Crichton-Browne at the Yorkshire College, Leeds._] + + And one lies here of whom the scoffer said, + He did his best the green churchyard to fill; + None ever looks upon his lowly bed, + Without the recollection of a pill. + + He lived sequestered, and he died unknown, + A truly unsophisticated man; + A medicine-glass adorns his humble stone, + And thus the epitaph they graved him ran: + + "Here Doctor BOLUS lies, to dose no more; + His charge was moderate, but quite enough: + Death left a last prescription at the door, + And then the doctor had his '_Quantum suff._'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AFTER YOU!" + +"HE BELIEVED THAT EVERYONE OF THEM WOULD PREFER THAT SOMEONE ELSE +SHOULD HOLD THAT HIGH AND HONOURABLE OFFICE."--SIR MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH +_at Stockton-on-Tees_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WATER V. WINE. "HOLD! ENOUGH!"] + + * * * * * + +HARRYING OUR HAKIMS. + + [A medical journal suggests that all candidates for Medical + Degrees should be required to give proof of good handwriting, + in order to put an end to indistinct prescriptions.] + +A few additional requirements, we believe, have been under +consideration, of which the following are a sample:-- + +All candidates for the M.B. Degree to be able to count up to fifty. +Candidates who are more than fifty not to count. + +Nobody to become a Member of the Royal College of Surgeons until he +has mastered Simple Addition and Compound Fractures. + +Members of the Royal College of Physicians will henceforth be expected +to know their Weights (with boots off) and Measures (round the +waist). Troy weight only. "Scruples" not allowed. Good knowledge of +Multiplication Table indispensable for dispensers. + +No candidate to be accepted for a Degree unless he either has a good +"bedside manner," or undertakes to develop one as soon as possible. + +Any candidate to be at once ploughed unless he can answer all the +following questions:-- + +1. What would you do if asked to hold a consultation with a +practitioner whom you have every reason to suppose an incapable quack? + +2. If a good paying patient, suffering from no ailment whatever, +called you in with a view to getting a week's holiday at the seaside +by medical orders, how would you reconcile a desire to oblige that +pardonable weakness with a strict regard for veracity? + +3. When the parents of a large family, who do their duty manfully +by calling you in about twice a week, and from whom therefore you +derive a not inconsiderable proportion of your income, object to have +an infant vaccinated at the proper time, because they erroneously +consider it to be unfit for the operation, which would you feel +inclined to strain--friendship, or the law? + +4. Do you believe in Influenza? + +5. Have you ever seen a Microbe? + +6. "In the multitude of visits there is safety." Comment on this +declaration. How many visits do you think a common catarrh will +support? Give reasons. + +7. What is the etiquette about Red Lamps? + + * * * * * + +"HORSE AND 'RYDER'".--Last week, on the 15th, as was reported in the +_Globe_, and elsewhere, "a humble crossing-sweeper," named RYDER, +stopped a runaway cab-horse (a great rarity this, too) just as he was +about to descend headlong the steps of the Duke of York's column, and +so saved the two passengers, who, we hope, in consideration of what he +has done for _their_ lives, have settled something hansom upon him for +_his_ life. If not, the proposition is here made, and after the prop +comes the RYDER. + + * * * * * + +GHOSTLY COUNSEL.--Prizes are being offered for "Good Ghost Stories." +This may mean _Stories of Good Ghosts_; but supplying the hyphen and +supposing that the requirement is for "Good Ghost-stories," then _Mr. +Punch_ makes a present of a good title to any sanguine amateur who +may compete. Let him call his story, "A Ghost of a Chance." And _Mr. +Punch_ wishes he may get it! + + * * * * * + +PENNY FOOLISH.--Somebody has published a penny _A B C of Theosophy_. +To the appeal of this Occult A B C the enlightened public will +probably be D E F. + + * * * * * + +"QUI DORT, DINE," ET "QUI DINE, DORT."--A man who "goes nap" _at_ +dinner, is pretty safe to go nap immediately _after_ it. + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +(_FROM MR. PUNCH'S OWN HUMOURISTS._) + +It is not generally known that the Emperor of RUSSIA visited London +the other day on his way to Paris, where he is to hold an important +secret conference with the President of the Republic and M. BLOWITZ. +His Imperial Majesty's disguise was complete, consisting as it did of +an aquiline nose of considerable size, and a secondhand gaberdine of +primitive cut. He visited the principal Music Halls of the Metropolis +and left by the last train for Surbiton, where his private yacht was +in waiting to convey him to Marseilles, and so on to Paris by the new +French canal system. + + * * * * * + +Monaco has adhered to the Triple Alliance. The negotiations thus +brought to a successful issue, have been for a long time in progress. +Obligations of honour, which no longer exist, have hitherto compelled +me, as your Correspondent, to keep secret the fact that amongst the +_croupiers_ of the _trente-et-quarante_ tables at the Casino for the +past three months have been the Chancellors of the German and Austrian +Empires, and the MARCHESE DI RUDINI, who, thus disguised, carried out +their delicate mission to the Court of Monaco. By this post I send +you the draft treaty by which Monaco engages, in the event of war, to +furnish a completely equipped contingent of ten men. + + * * * * * + +The BARON DE BOOK-WORMS arrived in town yesterday afternoon and +transacted business at his office in Bouverie Street, afterwards +returning to his country seat at Stow-in-the-Wold. + + * * * * * + +BROWNING SOCIETY VERSES. + + [Dr. FURNIVALL announces that the Browning Society is about to + be dissolved.] + + Hark! 'tis the knell of the Browning Society, + Wind-bags are bursting all round us to-day; + FURNIVALL fails, and for want of his diet he + Pines like a love-stricken maiden away. + + Long has he fed upon cackle and platitude, + FURNIVALL sauce to a dish full of dearth, + Still, in the favourite FURNIVALL attitude, + Grubbing about like a mole in the earth. + + Now must he vanish, the mole-hills are flat again, + (Follies grow fewer it seems by degrees); + Lovers of BROWNING may laugh and grow fat again, + Rid of the jargon of Furnivallese. + + * * * * * + +NEW AND OLD TERMS.--"Slate, Slite, Slote, Slitten," is the title of +an amusing article in the _Saturday Review_, on the derivation of the +verb "to slate." How "slote" comes in is not quite evident, but that +when the pages of a dull book are "slitten" by the paper-knife, it +will be read and slated by a critic, and then "slited" (or "slighted") +by the public, is quite sufficient without "putting a penny in the +'slote'" on the chance of getting something better. + + * * * * * + +SO LIKE HIM!--Tuesday last week was the seventieth birthday of +Professor VIRCHOW. He has refused all titles and emoluments, observing +that "VIRCHOW is its own reward." + + * * * * * + +VERY POP-ULAR!--Through the _Times_ came the information that, since +the famine, the Russian Officers have given up drinking champagne. +Their conduct is really quite Magnuminous! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GRANDOLPH AD LEONES."] + + * * * * * + +"ADSCRIPTUS GLEBAE." + + ["He (Mr. GOSCHEN) was in favour of giving the agricultural + labourer every opportunity of becoming more attached to the + soil."--_Mr. Goschen at Cambridge_.] + + Attached to the soil! Pretty optimist phrase + We are so, and have been, from _Gurth's_ simpler days, + Though now platform flowers of speech--pleasant joke!-- + May wreath the serf's ring till men scarce see the yoke. + Attached to the soil! The soil clings to our souls! + Young labour's scant guerdon, cold charity's doles, + The crow-scarer's pittance, the poor-house's aid + All smell of it! Tramping with boots thickly clayed + From brown field or furrow, or lowered at last + In our special six-feet by the sexton up-cast, + We smack of the earth, till we earthy have grown, + Like the mound that Death gives us--best friend--for our own. + We tramp it, we delve it, we plough it, this soil, + And a grave is the final reward of our toil. + Attached? The attachment of love is one thing, + The attachment of profit another. _Gurth's_ ring + Is _our_ form of attachment at bottom, Sir, still, + And to favour _that_ bond HODGE doubts not your good will. + But when others talk of improving our lot + By possession of more than a burial plot, + By pay for our toil, and by balm for our troubles, + You ban all such prospects as "radiant bubbles." + Declare "under-currents of plunder" run through + All plans for our aid save those favoured by you, + Attached to the soil! Ah! how many approve + _That_ attachment, when founded on labour and love! + But about "confiscation" they chatter and fuss + At all talk of attaching the soil to poor us! + + * * * * * + +FREE AND INDEPENDENT. + + SCENE--_Manager's Room of the Ideal Theatre. + Present--Committee of Taste._ + +[Illustration] + +_Manager_. Now, you fellows, I think we have settled what to do next. +Carry out the notion of an afternoon performance of the Ideal Drama. +We have got the moderate guarantee, and the good stock company, and +hope to receive the cooperation of the leading artists from other +theatres. Isn't that so? + +_Auditor_. Yes, I can answer for the moderate guarantee--about L20--in +the bank. + +_Stage Manager_. And the good stock company was imported early this +morning from Ireland. All very good Shakspearian actors with a taste +of a brogue to give their remarks pungency. + +_Manager_. That's all right. And what is the play? + +_First Member of the Committee of Taste_. "_Demons_," by the Master. + +_Second Ditto_. No, let us have something newer. Why not an adaptation +(by myself) of that charming work by SODALA--I call it _Blood and +Thunder_? + +_Manager_ (_producing halfpenny_). By the rules of the Company we toss +for it. (_Throws up coin._) Heads!--_Blood and Thunder_ wins. We +will do _Blood and Thunder_. Well, now as to casting it. Anything for +IRVING in it? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, yes--if he would play it. A Policeman who dies +by cutting his throat in Scene 1. Not the sort of part he usually +selects, but capital. + +_First Mem._ It is not for Mr. IRVING to pick and choose, it is the +cause of Art we serve. + +_Second Mem._ Well, yes. We might telephone and learn his views on the +subject. + + [_Subordinate takes instructions_. + +_Manager_. All right! Ah, here we have the piece! Rather long, but +the parts seem mild enough. Who's to do this soldier--a sort of heavy +dragoon, with a cold, who dies in the First Scene of the Second Act? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, anybody! KENDAL or FARREN; or if they can't, then +HARE or LIONEL BROUGH. + +_Manager_. But do you think they will like it? You see they each have +their line, and-- + +_First Mem._ In the cause of Art they will be prepared to do anything. +At least, they ought to be. + +_Manager_. Well, we will telephone to them too. (_Subordinate takes +further instructions_.) And now, how about the Ladies? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, there are a lot of school-girls, and a woman who +dies by degrees of general paralysis. The girls, of course will be all +right with--say, Miss EMERY, Miss LINDEN, Miss ALMA MURRAY, and Mrs. +KENDAL. But we want two people to play the woman. First Act, Miss +ELLEN TERRY; second and third, Miss GENEVIEVE WARD. To be properly +played, both should be in it. + +_Manager_. But how will that do? I do not think that Miss TERRY will +care to-- + +_First Mem._ Nonsense! She is a most charming person, and will do +anything in the cause of Art. + +_Subordinate_ (_returning from telephone_). Beg pardon, Gentlemen, but +Messrs. KENDAL, FARREN, BROUGH and HARE say they are very sorry, but +they are not at home; and Mr. IRVING presents his compliments, +and would be delighted to do what we wish, but he fears he will be +otherwise engaged. However, he says you have his sympathy, and his +heart goes out to you. [_Exit._ + +_Manager_. Well, what shall we do? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, there's VEZIN, and TERRIS, and PAULTON, and a heap +more! + +_Subordinate_ (_returning_). Just heard from the Ladies, Gentlemen, +and they send their kindest regards, but they are out too! + +_Acting Manager_ (_entering_). Well, how about the performance? + +_Members of the Council_ (_together_). Oh, it's nearly arranged! + +_Acting Man._ Well, if I might suggest, as a person of considerable +experience, it doesn't matter a jot whether you get a company together +or not. + +_Members_ (_as before_). Why? + +_Acting Man._ Because you won't get an audience! + + [_Scene closes in upon farther consultation._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODEST AMBITION. + +_The Squire_ (_to his Eldest Son, just home from the 'Varsity_). +"WELL, MY BOY, AND WHAT HAVE YOU SETTLED TO BE?" + +_The Squire's Son_. "JUST A _PLAIN COUNTRY GENTLEMAN_ LIKE YOU, +FATHER!"] + + * * * * * + +THEOSOPHIC TOOLS. + +(_BY AN OPPONENT OF OCCULTISM._) + + The Theosophic Boom, its wordy strife + And futile fuss are fading out in "fizzle." + They talk a deal about their "_planes_ of life," + 'Tis plain to me the fitter term were "chisel." + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG: + +OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS. + +"A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse," says the old saw, and +a wink is no doubt as good as a smile to a purblind ass. But the wink +is indeed one of the worst uses to which the human eye can he put. It +signifies usually the vulgarisation of humour, and the degradation of +mirth. It is the favourite eye-language of the cynical cad, the coarse +jester, the crapulous clown, and--above all--the chuckling cheat. + +[Illustration] + +It must be admitted, that the Muse of the Music Hall--in her Momus +mood--has a strong leaning towards the glorification of cynical +'cuteness of the _Autolycus_ sort. It is a weakness which she seems +to share with party scribes and Colonial politicians. If she had any +classic leanings, which she has not, her favourite deity would be +Mercury, the "winking Cyllenian Argophont" of the Homeric Hymn, the +"little cradled rogue," the Apollo-cheating babe, "the lord of those +who swindle, house-break, sheep-steal and shop-lift," under whom +_Autolycus_ prided himself upon having been "littered." _Autolycus's_ +complacent self-gratulation, "How bless'd are we that are not simple +men!" would appeal to the heart of the Music-hall votary. "Ha, ha! +what a fool Honesty is! and Trust his sworn brother, a very simple +gentleman" is, virtually, the burthen of dozens of the most favourite +of the Music-hall ditties. + +Sly-scheming Hermes "winked" knowingly at Jupiter when he was +"pitching his yarn" about the stolen oxen, and Jupiter "according to +his wont," + + "Laughed heartily to hear the subtle witted + Infant give such a plausible account, + And every word a lie." + +So the Music-hall Muse "winks" knowingly, and knavishly, at her +audience, and her audience "laugh heartily," in Jovian guffaws, at her +winks. What wonder then that she should lyrically apostrophise "The +Wink" in laudatory numbers? + + "Say, boys, now is it quite the thing?" + +she cries in sham deprecation, but all the while she "winks the other +eye" in a way her hearers quite understand. "Cabby knows his fare," +and the Music-hall Muse knows her clients. What, we wonder, would +be her reception did she really carry out her ironically pretended +protest and sing to the chuckling cads who applaud her, the following +version of her favourite lay? + +NO. II.--THE WINK OF ROGUERY'S EYE. + +AIR--"_WINK THE OTHER EYE_." + + Say, boys, whatever do men mean + When they wink the other eye? + Why, when "sharps" say the world is "green," + Do they wink the other eye? + The Radicals and Tories both tell stories, not a few, + About Measures falsely promised, and reforms long overdue; + And when the simple Mob believes that every word is true. + Then they--wink the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, now is it quite the thing! + Say, should we let them have their fling? + Ah, when they get us "on a string" + Then they wink the other eye! + + Say, boys are Leaders to be loved, + When they wink the other eye? + By artful speech the Mob is moved, + Till _it_ winks the other eye; + The optic Wink's the language of the sly and sordid soul, + The mute freemasonry of Fraud, sign-post to Roguery's goal. + When Circe sees her votaries swine ready in sludge to roll + Then _she_ winks the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, _is_ it so fine a thing, + Low Cunning, which Cheat's laureates sing, + The Comus of the Mart and Ring, + Who--winks the other eye? + + Say, boys, is Cunning's promise good, + When she winks the other eye? + Noodledom seeks her neighbourhood, + And winks _its_ other eye. + For no one winks so freely as a fool who _thinks_ he's sly; + The dupe of deeper knavery smirks in shallow mimicry + Of the smirking JERRY DIDDLER who is sucking him so dry, + And who winks the other eye. + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, now is the Wink a thing + Worthy of worship; will you fling + Your caps in air for the Knave-King + Who--winks the other eye? + + The Politician plucks his geese, + Then he winks the other eye. + Brazen Fraud steals Trade's Golden Fleece, + Then he winks the other eye. + _Autolycus_ pipes ballads; public pockets are his aim; + _Rabagas_ raves of "liberty"; advancement is his game; + And when their dupes aren't looking all these rogues do just the same, + They--wink the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, paeans will you sing + To winking harpies all a-wing + To prey on fools; who steal, and sting, + And--wink the other eye? + + Wisdom may smile, but Cunning can't, + She winks the other eye. + Humour shall chortle, Mockery shan't, + She winks the other eye. + The stars above us twinkle and the dews beneath us blink, + All the eyes of Nature sparkle, and from merriment do not shrink, + The Language of the Eye of Cynic Knavery is--the Wink! + _Roguery_ "winks the other eye!" + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, is it quite the thing? + "Ducdame"[1] to fools the Diddlers sing; + Trust me 'tis Rascals in a Ring + Who wink the other eye! + +[Footnote 1: + + _Amiens_. What's that "ducdame"? + + _Jaques_. 'Tis a Greek invocation to call fools into a circle. + +"_As You Like It_," _Act II., Sc. 5._] + + * * * * * + +THE EVOLUTION OF TOMMY'S PRIVATE-SCHOOL REPORT. + +1. _A rough draught, written by the under-master, who certainly has +had rather a trying week with_ TOMMY. + +"I am unable to speak highly of either his intelligence or his +industry; but occasionally he works well, and has undoubtedly made +some progress this term. His conduct is not always good." + +2. _Second rough draught_; TOMMY _in the meantime has missed a +repetition and accidentally knocked down the black-board._ + +"Exceptionally stupid and idle. Cannot be said to have made any +progress whatever this term, although he has had every effort made +with him. His conduct is abominable, noisy and unruly in the extreme." + +3. _Fair copy to be submitted to the principal; of course_, TOMMY _had +not intended to be overheard when he spoke of the under-master as_ +"_Old Pig-face_," _but this is the result._ + +"A more idle and utterly worthless boy it has never been my misfortune +to teach. Seems to have gone steadily backward all the term. Is most +objectionable in his manners, and has no sense of honour." + +4. _Fair copy, as amended by the principal; how was_ TOMMY _to +know that stone would break the conservatory window, and drive the +principal to alter the report to this?_ + +"Would be better suited in a reformatory than in a school of this +standing. Utterly depraved, vicious and idle, with marked criminal +instincts. In intellect verges on the imbecile. Unless there is a +marked improvement next term, I cannot keep him." + +5. _Principal's final copy; it_ was _fortunate that_ TOMMY _happened +to remark that he had four cousins who were, perhaps, coming next +term. One can't lose four pupils, even if it makes it necessary to +write like this._ + +"A singularly bright and high-spirited boy; a little given to +mischief, as all boys are, but quite amenable to discipline. My +assistant speaks most highly of his progress this term, and of his +general intelligence. He seems well suited by our system. His conduct +is, on the whole, admirable. He is truthful and conscientious." + + * * * * * + +COUPLET BY A CYNIC. + + "Poetry does not sell!" cry plaintive pleaders. + Alas! most modern Poetry _does_--its readers! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. October 24, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + +***** This file should be named 14057.txt or 14057.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/0/5/14057/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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