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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14057-0.txt b/14057-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e6fa7e --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1357 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14057 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +October 24, 1891. + + + + +LAISSEZ FAIRE. + +(_INSCRIPTION FOR A FREE PUBLIC LIBRARY._) + +[Illustration] + + Here is an Institution doomed to scare + The furious devotees of _Laissez Faire_. + What mental shock, indeed, could prove immenser + To Mumbo Jumbo--or to HERBERT SPENCER? + Free Books? Reading provided from the Rates? + Oh, that means Freedom's ruin, and the State's! + Self-help's all right,--e'en if you rob a brother-- + But human creatures must _not_ help each other! + The "Self-made Man," whom SAMUEL SMILES so praises, + Who on his fellows' necks his footing raises, + The systematic "Sweater," who sucks wealth + From toiling crowds by cunning and by stealth,-- + _He_ is all right, _he_ has no maudlin twist, + _He_ does not shock the Individualist! + But rate yourselves to give the poor free reading? + The Pelican to warm her nestlings bleeding, + Was no such monument of feeble folly. + _Let folks alone_, and all will then be jolly. + Let the poor perish, let the ignorant sink, + The tempted tumble, and the drunkard drink! + Let--no, _don't_ let the low-born robber rob, + Because,--well, that would rather spoil the job. + If footpad-freedom brooked no interference, + Of Capital there might be a great clearance; + But, Wealth well-guarded, let all else alone. + 'Tis thus our race hath to true manhood grown: + To make the general good the common care, + Breaks through the sacred law of _Laissez Faire_! + + * * * * * + +A REMONSTRANCE. + +_TO LUKE'S LITTLE SUMMER._ + +[Illustration] + + Ah, Summer! now thy wayward race is run, + With soft, appeasing smiles thou com'st, like one + Who keeps a pageant waiting all the day, + Till half the guests and all the joy is gone, + And hearts are heavy that awoke so gay. + + What though the faithful trees, still gladly green, + Show fretted depths of blue their boughs between, + Though placid sunlight sleeps upon the lawn, + It only tells us of what might have been + Of fickle favours wantonly withdrawn. + + Blown with rude winds, and beaten down with rain, + How can the roses dare to trust again + The tricksy mistress whom they once adored? + Even the glad heaven, chilled with stormy stain, + Grudges its skylark pilgrims of its hoard. + + Poor is the vintage that the wild bee quiffs, + When the tall simple lilies--the giraffes + That browse on loftier air than other flowers-- + When all the blooms, wherewith late Summer laughs, + Like chidden children droop among the bowers. + + Oft like a moorhen scuttling to the reeds, + The cricket-ball sped o'er the plashy meads, + And rainbow-blended blazers shrank and ran + When showers, in mockery of his moist needs, + Half-drown'd the water-loving river man. + + What woman's rights have crazed thee? + Would'st thou be + A Winter Amazon, more fierce than he? + Can Summer birds thy shrew-heroics sing? + Wilt tend no more the daisies on the lea, + Nor wake thy cowslips up on May morning? + + What, shall we brew us possets by the fire + And let the wild rose shiver on the brier. + The cowslip tremble in the meadows chill, + While thy unlovely battle-call wails higher + And dusty squadrons charge adown the hill? + + It is too late; thou art no love of mine; + I answer not this sigh, this kiss divine; + The sunlight penitently streaming down + Shines through the paling leaf like thinnest wine + Quaff'd in the clear air of a mountain town. + + Farewell! For old love's sake I kiss thy hands; + Go on thy way; away to other lands + That love thee less, and need thee less than we; + Pour out thy passion on some desert sands, + Forget thy lover of the Northern Sea. + + Away with fond pretence; let winter come + With snow that strikes the heaviest footfall dumb. + We know the worst, and face his rage with glee; + And, though the world without be ne'er so glum, + Sit by the hearth, and dream and talk--of thee. + + Yes, come again with earliest April; stay, + Thyself once more, through the fair time when day + Clasps hand with day, through the brief hush of night-- + A twilight bower of roses, where in play + Dance little maidens through from light to light. + + * * * * * + +BIRDS OF A FEATHER. + + [Lord HAWKE's team of Cricketers were beaten at Manheim by + the Philadelphians by eight wickets whereat the _Philadelphia + Ledger_ cockadoodles considerably. The Britishers, however, + won the return match somewhat easily.] + + The Yankee Eagle well might squeal and squawk + At having licked the British bird (Lord) HAWKE. + But when that HAWKE his brood had "pulled together," + That Eagle found it yet might "moult a feather." + Go it, ye friendly-fighting fowls! But know + 'Tis only "Roosters" who o'er conquest _crow_! + + * * * * * + +HOME SWEET HOME! + +(_BY ONE WHO BELIEVES THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE IT._) + +[Illustration] + + Sweet to return (for home the Briton hankers, + After an exile of two months or so, + Swiss or Italian). Sweet--to find your Banker's + Balance getting low. + + Sweet to return from Como or Sorrento. + Meshed in their shimmering net of drowsy sheen, + Into a climate that you know not when to + Really call serene. + + Sweet to return from hostelries whose waiters + Rush to fulfil your slightest word or whim, + Back to a cook who passionately caters + Not for you, but _him_. + + Sweet to return from _Table-d'Hôtes_ disgusting + (Oh, how you grumbled at the _Sauce Romaine_!) + Fresh to the filmy succulence incrusting + Solid joints again. + + Sweet to return from Innkeepers demurely + Pricing your candle at a franc unshamed, + Back to a land where perquisites are surely + Never, never claimed. + + Sweet to return from bargaining, disputing, + _Pourboires_ and _Trinkgelds_ grudgingly bestowed-- + Unto the simple charioteers of Tooting, + Or the Cromwell Road. + + Sweet to return from "all those dreadful tourists," + Such mixed society as chance allots, + E'en to the social splendour of the purists + Of those sparkling spots. + + Sweet to return to bills and fogs and duty! + (Some of the latter at our Custom House) + Sweet, after smaller game, to hail the beauty + Of the British mouse! + + Sweet too the sight of cockchafer; and sweet'll + Welcome the pilgrim, doomed too long to roam, + England's tried sentinel, the black, black beetle + With his "Home, sweet Home!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LONDON'S DILEMMA; OR, "FAIR ROSAMOND" UP TO DATE. + +(_Lately-discovered Fragments of a valuable and interesting "Variant" +of the old Ballad Story._)] + + * * * * * + + When as VICTORIA rulde this land, + The firste of that greate name, + Faire Loundonne, of the cockneyes lovde, + Attaynd to power and fame. + + Most peerlesse was her splendoure founde, + Her favour, and her face; + Yet was there one thing marred her weale, + And wroughte her dire disgrace. + + Her dower was all that showered golde, + Like Danaë's, could her lende, + Yet dwelt she in the ogreish holde + Of fell and fearsome fiende. + + Yea Loundonne Towne, faire Loundonne Towne, + Her name was calléd so, + To whom the Witch Monopolie + Was known a deadlye foe. + + * * * * * + + Now when ye Countie Councile woke, + And FARRER rose to fame, + With envious heart Monopolie + To Loundonne straightway came. + + "Cast off from thee those schemes," said she, + "That greate and costlye bee, + And drinke thou up this deadlye cup, + Which I have brought to thee!" + + "Take pitty on my awkward plight!" + Faire Loundonne she dyd crye, + "And lett me not with poison stronge + Enforcéd be to dye!" + + Then out and laught that wicked Witch: + "If that you will not drinke, + This dagger choose! Though you be riche, + You'll shrinke from _that_, I thinke." + + The dagger was a magic blayde, + With figures graven o'er, + Which, as you gazed thereon, did seeme + To growe to more and more. + + "Nay," quothe faire Loundonne, "'tis but choyce + 'Twixt dyvill and deepe sea! + I praye thee take thyself awaye, + And leave the jobbe to me!" + + But nothynge could this grasping Witch + Therewith appeaséd be. + The cup of deadlye poison stronge, + As she knelt on her knee, + + She gave this comely dame to drinke, + Who tooke it in her hande, + Then from her bended knees arose, + And on her feet did stande. + + And casting Council-wards her eyes, + She did for rescue call, + When--[_Fragmentes further may be founde,_ + _At presente thys is alle!_ + + _If close researche, as welle we hope,_ + _Perchaunce complete ye texte,_ + _This ballade, as scribes saye, shall be_ + _"Continued in our next!"_] + + * * * * * + +ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. + +[Illustration] + +Wanted, a few good extra Judges, who will be prepared to do all the +work at present delayed or neglected by the existing members of the +Bench. They will be expected to dispense with all vacations except a +week at Christmas, five days at Easter, and a fortnight from the first +to the fifteenth of October. They will devote their entire time to the +service of the State, both day and night. Their day will be devoted to +business in the High Court of Justice in the Strand, and when required +they will go Circuit (by special express) sitting at the various +assizes from 9 P.M. until 3 A.M., returning to London by trains timed +to reach the Metropolis sufficiently early to allow of the usual +morning sitting. They will be further required to consider their +leisure (if any) entirely at the disposal of those members of the +Bar and Solicitors who require it. If they do this punctually and +diligently, without knocking up, they will be permitted to draw +salaries computed at the rate of about one-third of the emoluments +received by a third-rate Queen's Counsel; and if they grow lazy, or +are incapacitated by illness, they will be rewarded by a number of +personal attacks in the London newspapers. Applications to be sent +to the Lord Chancellor (endorsed "Extra Judges to suppress outside +clamour") as early as possible. Every candidate for an appointment +will be expected to be as strong as a horse, and as insensible to +feeling as the back of a rhinoceros. + + * * * * * + +Big Drinkers, Moderate Drinkers, and Little Drinkers--this is the +Tipple Alliance! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 3. + +WHEN HIS DENTIST _WILL_ SUSPEND OPERATIONS TO TELL HIM FUNNY STORIES.] + + * * * * * + +GILBERT À BECKETT. + +BORN, APRIL 7, 1837. DIED, OCT. 15, 1891. + + "Wearing the white flower of a blameless life." + +TENNYSON. + + GILBERT the Good! Title, though high, well earned + By him through whose rare nature brightly burned + The fire of purity, + Undimmed, unflickering, like some altar flame + Sky-pointing ever. Friend, what thought of blame + Hath coldest heart for thee? + + A knightly-priest or priestly-knight wert thou, + Man of the radiant eye and reverent brow; + Chivalry closely knit + With fervent faith in thee indeed were blent; + Thought upon high ideals still intent, + And a most lambent wit. + + Serene, though with a power of scathing scorn + For all things mean or base. Sorrow long borne, + Though bowing, soured not thee. + Bereaved, health-broken, still that patient smile + Wreathed the pale lips which never greed or guile + Shaped to hypocrisy. + + A saintly-hearted wit, a satirist pure, + Mover of mirth spontaneous as sure, + And innocent as mad; + Incongruous freak and frolic phantasy + Were thy familiar spirits, quickening glee + And wakening laughter glad. + + Dainty as _Ariel_, yet as _Puck_ profuse + Of the "preposterous," was that wit, whose use + Was ever held "within + The limits of becoming mirth." His whim + Never shy delicacy's glance could dim, + Or move the cynic grin. + + But that fate's hampering hand lay on him long + He might have won in drama and in song + A more enduring name. + But he is gone, the gentle, loyal, just, + Whence all these things fall earthward with the dust + Of fleeting earthly fame. + + Gone from our hoard, gone from the home he loved! + With what compassion are his comrades moved + For those who sit alone + With memories of him! Gracious memories all! + A thought to lighten, like that flower, his pall, + And hush love's troubled moan. + + Farewell, fine spirit! To be owned thy friend + Was something to illume the unwelcome end + Of comradeship below. + A loving memory long our board will grace, + In fancy, with that sweet ascetic face. + That brow's benignant glow. + + * * * * * + +RHYME AT RHYL. + +(_BY A LISTENING LAYMAN._) + + If Cleric Congresses could only care + A little less for the mere Church and Steeple, + Parochial pomp and power in lion's share, + And have one aim--to purify the People, + They need not shrink from Disestablishment, + Or any other secular enormity; + Unselfish love of Man destroys Dissent, + True Charity provokes no Nonconformity. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XI. + + SCENE--_A Balcony outside the Musik-Saal of the Insel Hotel, + Constance. Miss PRENDERGAST is seated; CULCHARD is leaning + against the railing close by. It is about nine; the moon has + risen, big and yellow, behind the mountains at the further + end of the lake; small black boats are shooting in and out of + her track upon the water; the beat of the steamers' paddles + is heard as they come into harbour. CULCHARD has just + proposed._ + +_Miss Prendergast_ (_after a silence_). I have always felt very +strongly with RUSKIN, that no girl should have the cruelty to refuse a +proposal-- + +_Culchard_ (_with alacrity_). RUSKIN is always so right. +And--er--where there is such complete sympathy in tastes and ideas, as +I venture to think exists in our own case, the cruelty would-- + +[Illustration: "It does seem rather rough on fellows, don't you +know."] + +_Miss P._ Pray allow me to finish! "Refuse a proposal _at once_" is +RUSKIN's expression. He also says (if my memory does not betray me), +that "no lover should have the insolence to think of being accepted at +once." You will find the passage somewhere in "_Fors_." + +_Culch._ (_whose jaw has visibly fallen_). I cannot say I recall it +at this moment. Does he hold that a lover should expect to be accepted +by--er--instalments, because, if so-- + +_Miss P._ I think I can quote his exact words. "If she simply doesn't +like him, she may send him away for seven years--" + +_Culch._ (_stiffly_). No doubt that course is open to her. But why +seven, and where is he expected to go? + +_Miss P._ (_continuing calmly_). "He vowing to live on cresses and +wear sackcloth meanwhile, or the like penance." + +_Culch._ I feel bound to state at once that, in my own case, my +position at Somerset House would render anything of that sort utterly +impracticable. + +_Miss P._ Wait, please,--you are so impetuous. "If she likes him a +little,"--(_CULCHARD's brow relaxes_)--"or thinks she might come to +like him in time, she may let him stay near her,"--(_CULCHARD makes +a movement of relief and gratitude_)--"putting him always on sharp +trial, and requiring, figuratively, as many lion-skins or giants' +heads as she thinks herself worth." + +_Culch._ (_grimly_). "Figuratively" is a distinct concession on +RUSKIN's part. Still, I should be glad to know-- + +_Miss P._ If you will have a little more patience, I will make myself +clear. I have always determined that when the--ah--occasion presented +itself, I would deal with it on Ruskinian principles. I propose in +your case--presuming of course that you are willing to be under vow +for me--to adopt a middle course. + +_Culch._ You are extremely good. And what precise form of--er--penance +did you think of? + +_Miss P._ The trial I impose is, that you leave Constance +to-morrow--with Mr. PODBURY. + +_Culch._ (_firmly_). If you expect me to travel for seven years with +him, permit me to mention that I simply cannot do it. My leave expires +in three weeks. + +_Miss P._ I mentioned no term, I believe. Long before three weeks +are over we shall meet again, and I shall be able to see how you +have borne the test. I wish you to correct, if possible, a certain +intolerance in your attitude towards Mr. PODBURY. Do you accept this +probation, or not? + +_Culch._ I--ah--suppose I have no choice. But you really must allow me +to say that it is _not_ precisely the reception I anticipated. Still, +in your service, I am willing to endure even PODBURY--for a strictly +limited period; that I _do_ stipulate for. + +_Miss P._ That, as I have already said, is quite understood. Now go +and arrange with Mr. PODBURY. + +_Culch._ (_to himself, as he retires_). It is _most_ unsatisfactory; +but at least PODBURY is disposed of! + + _The same Scene, a quarter of an hour later. PODBURY and + Miss PRENDERGAST._ + +_Podbury_ (_with a very long face_). No, I _say_, though! RUSKIN +doesn't say all that? + +_Miss P._ I am not in the habit of misquoting. If you wish to verify +the quotation, however, I daresay I could find you the reference in +_Fors Clavigera_. + +_Podb._ (_ruefully_). Thanks--I won't trouble you. Only it does seem +rather rough on fellows, don't you know. If everyone went on his +plan--well, there wouldn't be many marriages! Still, I never thought +you'd say "Yes" right off. It's like my cheek, I know, to ask you at +all; you're so awfully clever and that. And if there's a chance for +me, I'm game for anything in the way of a trial. Don't make it stiffer +than you can help, that's all! + +_Miss P._ All I ask of you is to leave me for a short time, and go and +travel with Mr. CULCHARD again. + +_Podb._ Oh, I say, Miss PRENDERGAST, you know. Make it something else. +_Do!_ + +_Miss P._ That is the task I require, and I can accept no other. It is +nothing, after all, but what you came out here to do. + +_Podb._ I didn't know him _then_, you see. And what made me agree +to come away with him at all is beyond me. It was all HUGHIE +ROSE's doing--he said we should get on together like blazes. So we +have--_very_ like blazes! + +_Miss P._ Never mind that. Are you willing to accept the trial or not? + +_Podb._ If you only knew what he's like when he's nasty, you'd let +me off--you would, really. But there, to please you, I'll do it. I'll +stand him as long as ever I can--'pon my honour I will. Only you'll +make it up to me afterwards, won't you now? + +_Miss P._ I will make no promises--a true knight should expect no +reward for his service, Mr. PODBURY. + +_Podb._ (_blankly_). Shouldn't he? I'm a little new to the business, +you see, and it _does_ strike me--but never mind. When am I to trot +him off? + +_Miss P._ As soon as you can induce him to go--to-morrow, if possible. + +_Podb._ I don't believe he'll _go_, you know, for one thing! + +_Miss P._ (_demurely_). I think you will find him open to persuasion. +But go and try, Mr. PODBURY. + +_Podb._ (_to himself, as he withdraws_). Well, I've let myself in for +a nice thing! Rummest way of treating a proposal _I_ ever heard of. +I should just like to tell that fellow RUSKIN what I think of his +precious ideas. But there's _one_ thing, though--she can't care about +CULCHARD, or she wouldn't want him carted off like this.... Hooray, I +never thought of that before! Why, there he is, dodging about to find +out how _I've_ got on. I'll tackle him straight off. + + [_CULCHARD and PODBURY meet at the head of the staircase, + and speak at the same moment._ + +_Culch._ Er--PODBURY it has } +occurred to me that we might-- } + } leave this place to-morrow! +_Podb._ I say, CULCHARD, we } +really ought to-- } + +_Podb._ Hullo! we're both of one mind for once, eh? (_To himself_.) +Poor old beggar! Got the sack! That explains a lot. Well, I won't tell +him anything about this business just now. + +_Culch._ So it appears. (_To himself_.) (Had his _quietus_, evidently. +Ah, well, I won't exult over him. + + [_They go off together to consult a time-table._ + +_Miss. P._ (_on the balcony, musing_). Poor fellows! I couldn't very +well say anything more definite at present. By the time I see them +again, I may understand my own heart better. Really, it is rather an +exciting sensation, having two suitors under vow and doing penance at +the same time--and all for my sake! I hope, though, they won't mention +it to one another--or to BOB. BOB does not understand these things, +and he might-- But, after all, there are only _two_ of them. And +RUSKIN distinctly says that every girl who is worth _anything_ ought +always to have half-a-dozen or so. Two is really _quite_ moderate. + + * * * * * + +A TOO-ENGAGING MAIDEN'S REPLY. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S KIND PERMISSION._) + +[Illustration] + + Yes, I read your effusion that lately got printed, + And at first never guessed there was anything meant. + But when someone suggested that something was hinted, + On your verses some time I reluctantly spent. + They are fair--and perhaps _you_ consider them clever, + You're a poet, no doubt, of a _minor_ degree, + But I never was startled so strangely--no, never! + As to learn that the lady you mentioned was me! + + In the coolest of ways you sum up my attractions, + Pray allow me to turn my attention to _you_. + You are good, I believe, at the vulgarest fractions, + You have cheek and assurance sufficient for two. + You are what people reckon "a nice sort of fellow," + Your sense of importance very strongly you feel. + You are bilious, you've got a complexion of yellow, + You are plainer than I am--which says a good deal. + + "Am I free altogether from blame in the matter?"-- + And as to my frowning, I don't know the way-- + Do you really imagine that insolent chatter + Can affect me, or that _I_ care for what people say? + With fervent adorers around by the dozen, + For whom but my word is the law of their life. + Do you think I'd occasion to pitch on a cousin, + And announce that _you_ wanted myself as your wife? + + Do not think I am angry, I am good at forgiving, + Have my constant refusals then made you so sour? + Even poets in _Punch_ have to write for their living, + And must wear their poor lives out at so much the hour. + I am weary and tired of being proposed to, + And at times I'm afraid it will injure my brain, + But my heart for the future yourself, mind, is closed to, + So don't, I implore, come proposing again. + + * * * * * + +A REAL BURNING QUESTION.--What should be done with the mischievous and +malicious noodles who communicate false alarms (to the number of 518 +in one year) to the London Fire Brigade, by means of the fire-alarm +posts fixed for public convenience and protection in the public +thoroughfares? The almost appropriate Stake is out of date, but _Mr. +Punch_ opines that the Pillory would be none too bad for them. + + * * * * * + +THE BULL, THE BEAR, AND THE OXUS.--Russia, it is asserted, "intends to +annex the whole of the elevated plateaus known as the Pamirs, and all +parts of Afghanistan north of a straight line drawn from Lake Victoria +to the junction of the Kotcha River with the Oxus." JOHN BULL might +say, "I should like to Kotcha at it!" + + * * * * * + +SOME LONDON "FIENDS." + +(_HOW TO EXORCISE, AFTER READING CORRESPONDENCE ON THE SUBJECT IN +SEVERAL "DAILIES."_) + +_THE "WALKING-STICK AND UMBRELLA FIEND."_ + +[Illustration] + +Provide yourself with a steel-plated umbrella (carriage size), with +a "non-conducting" handle. When open in a shower, where people are +hurrying, let the framework bristle with sharp penknife points. Held +firmly in front of you, you will find everyone get out of your way. +In entering a crowded omnibus or railway carriage, by touching a knob, +let the heat generated by the electric current instantly cause the +whole to become "red-hot." Dexterously moved about in front of you, +you will find this a most thoroughly protecting weapon, clearing +instantly a large space on each side of you, and even sometimes +involving the summoning of the conductor or guard, with a view to your +removal either to another compartment, or even a general request for +your expulsion from the vehicle altogether. This may lead possibly to +your enjoyment of an entire compartment to yourself; for, of course, +you will point out that you cannot be expected to travel without your +umbrella, which, after all, happens merely to be constructed on a +newly-patented principle. + +_THE "HANSOM CAB FIEND."_ + +This is easily overcome. You have merely to employ an agent to +purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a high-pressure +boiler, and the thing is done. With practice, you can easily get eight +miles an hour out of one of these excellent machines, and you will +find a general indifference as to the rule of the road, especially +if you turn a corner or two at a stiff pace, act as a capital +"road-clearer." Even the smartest butcher's cart will do its best to +get out of your way when it sees you coming. + +_THE "PIANO ORGAN, GERMAN BAND, AND GENERAL STREET MUSIC FIEND."_ + +Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) several +fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of their excessive and +unbearable shrillness. Whenever any sort of street music commences at +either end of your street, turn on, by an apparatus specially +arranged in your area, the full force of the above. This will not only +overpower your would-be tormentors, but bring every householder in +the neighbourhood to his street-door begging you to desist. You +have merely to say, "When they stop, _I_ turn off," to get them to +comprehend the situation. It may possibly lead to the intervention of +the police, probably in some force; but the net result will be that +you will, for that morning, at least, enjoy a quiet street. + +There are other London fiends removable by various measures, +concerning which much might be said if they were not actionable. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN "BREAKING IN" HIS +SHOOTING-BOOTS.] + + * * * * * + +"GRATITUDE--A SENSE OF FAVOURS TO COME."--Mr. SWINBURNE unexpectedly +says a good word for the much be-mocked BOWDLER. "No man (he says), +ever did better service to SHAKSPEARE than the man who made it +possible to put him into the hands of intelligent and imaginative +children." Can Mr. SWINBURNE be "proticipating" the period when +another BOWDLER may be called upon to do a similar "service" for the +author of _Poems and Ballads?_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRENCH AND ENGLISH. + +(_As zey are Spoke at ze Country 'Ouse._) + +_Hostess_. "OH--ER--J'ESPAIR KER VOOS AVVY TROOVY +VOTRE--VOTRE--ER--ER--VOTRE _COLLAR STUD_, BARRONG?" + +_M. le Baron_. "OH, I ZANK YOU, YES! I FIND 'EEM ON MY _CHEST OF +TROWSERS_!"] + + * * * * * + +"AFTER YOU!" + + ["I am sure I may say, on behalf of all those whose names are + mentioned (for the Leadership of the House of Commons), + that we do not understand what selfishness is in the Public + Service. Everyone of us would prefer that someone else should + hold that high and honourable office."--_Sir M. Hicks-Beach at + Stockton-on-Tees_.] + +_Eminent official Altruist loquitur_:-- + + Oh, _is_ there such a vice as unholy love of self. + In the Public Service, too? 'Tis a thing I can't believe. + If I thought we could be moved by the love of power or pelf, + To compete for premier office I should very greatly grieve. + But oh no, oh deary no! I am sure it can't be so. + We don't even "understand it," so of course it isn't true. + When we're called upon to go, each will say, all louting low, + "After _you_!" + + We are not "competitive," like those naughty goddesses + Who poor Paris fluttered so upon Ida's pine-clad peak. + Of his "choice"--through selfishness--that young shepherd made a mess, + But our Shepherd, SALISBURY, will not be so wildly weak; + And our claims _we_ shall not urge to compulsion's very verge, + On the contrary each one thinks that "another" best will do. + "No, loved comrade" (each will say) "let me make my 'splendid splurge' + "After _you_!" + + Look at GOSCHEN! Can't you see he regards with perfect glee + The prospect of promotion of his faithful friend BALFOUR. + _He_ doesn't want to lead. Ah no, indeed, indeed! + Do you think that off friend ARTHUR JOACHIM can wish to score? + Upon the Treasury Bench did he ever try to trench + On the province of the Leader for the time, no matter who? + He would cry, "Dear ARTHUR, No! from priority I blench,-- + "After _you_!" + + Then bland BALFOUR in his turn such crude selfishness would spurn + As the wish to prove himself popular more than soft J.G., + With a most becoming blush his pale cheek, I'm sure, would burn, + If his uncle should cry, "Come, nephew dear, and second me!" + He would hint at nepotism, and the chance of secret schism. + "Let the mild ex-Liberal lead, I will be his henchman true!" + He would cry, with selfless joy on his brow like a pure chrism, + "After _you_!" + + And as for simple Me! Oh, it's utter fiddle-de-dee + To suppose that I possess, or desire, the least look in. + No, selfishness, my friends, we unitedly agree + In Party life is just _the_ unpardonable sin, + Which "we do not understand," like that other little game + That AH-SIN, reluctant, played, with some small success 'tis true. + But _we_'ve no sleeve-hidden card as we cry, with modest shame, + "After _you_!" + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME?--The _St. James's Gazette_ says:--"There are +forty-seven divorces in the United States for every one in the United +Kingdom." Evidently "United" is something more than _anagrammatically_ +identical with "Untied." + + * * * * * + +"GRAY'S ELEGY" AMENDED. + + ["I have often thought that GRAY's _Elegy_ was defective + in having no verse commemorative of the sequestered and + unsophisticated philanthropy of the village doctor."--_Sir + James Crichton-Browne at the Yorkshire College, Leeds._] + + And one lies here of whom the scoffer said, + He did his best the green churchyard to fill; + None ever looks upon his lowly bed, + Without the recollection of a pill. + + He lived sequestered, and he died unknown, + A truly unsophisticated man; + A medicine-glass adorns his humble stone, + And thus the epitaph they graved him ran: + + "Here Doctor BOLUS lies, to dose no more; + His charge was moderate, but quite enough: + Death left a last prescription at the door, + And then the doctor had his '_Quantum suff._'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AFTER YOU!" + +"HE BELIEVED THAT EVERYONE OF THEM WOULD PREFER THAT SOMEONE ELSE +SHOULD HOLD THAT HIGH AND HONOURABLE OFFICE."--SIR MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH +_at Stockton-on-Tees_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WATER V. WINE. "HOLD! ENOUGH!"] + + * * * * * + +HARRYING OUR HAKIMS. + + [A medical journal suggests that all candidates for Medical + Degrees should be required to give proof of good handwriting, + in order to put an end to indistinct prescriptions.] + +A few additional requirements, we believe, have been under +consideration, of which the following are a sample:-- + +All candidates for the M.B. Degree to be able to count up to fifty. +Candidates who are more than fifty not to count. + +Nobody to become a Member of the Royal College of Surgeons until he +has mastered Simple Addition and Compound Fractures. + +Members of the Royal College of Physicians will henceforth be expected +to know their Weights (with boots off) and Measures (round the +waist). Troy weight only. "Scruples" not allowed. Good knowledge of +Multiplication Table indispensable for dispensers. + +No candidate to be accepted for a Degree unless he either has a good +"bedside manner," or undertakes to develop one as soon as possible. + +Any candidate to be at once ploughed unless he can answer all the +following questions:-- + +1. What would you do if asked to hold a consultation with a +practitioner whom you have every reason to suppose an incapable quack? + +2. If a good paying patient, suffering from no ailment whatever, +called you in with a view to getting a week's holiday at the seaside +by medical orders, how would you reconcile a desire to oblige that +pardonable weakness with a strict regard for veracity? + +3. When the parents of a large family, who do their duty manfully +by calling you in about twice a week, and from whom therefore you +derive a not inconsiderable proportion of your income, object to have +an infant vaccinated at the proper time, because they erroneously +consider it to be unfit for the operation, which would you feel +inclined to strain--friendship, or the law? + +4. Do you believe in Influenza? + +5. Have you ever seen a Microbe? + +6. "In the multitude of visits there is safety." Comment on this +declaration. How many visits do you think a common catarrh will +support? Give reasons. + +7. What is the etiquette about Red Lamps? + + * * * * * + +"HORSE AND 'RYDER'".--Last week, on the 15th, as was reported in the +_Globe_, and elsewhere, "a humble crossing-sweeper," named RYDER, +stopped a runaway cab-horse (a great rarity this, too) just as he was +about to descend headlong the steps of the Duke of York's column, and +so saved the two passengers, who, we hope, in consideration of what he +has done for _their_ lives, have settled something hansom upon him for +_his_ life. If not, the proposition is here made, and after the prop +comes the RYDER. + + * * * * * + +GHOSTLY COUNSEL.--Prizes are being offered for "Good Ghost Stories." +This may mean _Stories of Good Ghosts_; but supplying the hyphen and +supposing that the requirement is for "Good Ghost-stories," then _Mr. +Punch_ makes a present of a good title to any sanguine amateur who +may compete. Let him call his story, "A Ghost of a Chance." And _Mr. +Punch_ wishes he may get it! + + * * * * * + +PENNY FOOLISH.--Somebody has published a penny _A B C of Theosophy_. +To the appeal of this Occult A B C the enlightened public will +probably be D E F. + + * * * * * + +"QUI DORT, DÃŽNE," ET "QUI DÃŽNE, DORT."--A man who "goes nap" _at_ +dinner, is pretty safe to go nap immediately _after_ it. + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +(_FROM MR. PUNCH'S OWN HUMOURISTS._) + +It is not generally known that the Emperor of RUSSIA visited London +the other day on his way to Paris, where he is to hold an important +secret conference with the President of the Republic and M. BLOWITZ. +His Imperial Majesty's disguise was complete, consisting as it did of +an aquiline nose of considerable size, and a secondhand gaberdine of +primitive cut. He visited the principal Music Halls of the Metropolis +and left by the last train for Surbiton, where his private yacht was +in waiting to convey him to Marseilles, and so on to Paris by the new +French canal system. + + * * * * * + +Monaco has adhered to the Triple Alliance. The negotiations thus +brought to a successful issue, have been for a long time in progress. +Obligations of honour, which no longer exist, have hitherto compelled +me, as your Correspondent, to keep secret the fact that amongst the +_croupiers_ of the _trente-et-quarante_ tables at the Casino for the +past three months have been the Chancellors of the German and Austrian +Empires, and the MARCHESE DI RUDINI, who, thus disguised, carried out +their delicate mission to the Court of Monaco. By this post I send +you the draft treaty by which Monaco engages, in the event of war, to +furnish a completely equipped contingent of ten men. + + * * * * * + +The BARON DE BOOK-WORMS arrived in town yesterday afternoon and +transacted business at his office in Bouverie Street, afterwards +returning to his country seat at Stow-in-the-Wold. + + * * * * * + +BROWNING SOCIETY VERSES. + + [Dr. FURNIVALL announces that the Browning Society is about to + be dissolved.] + + Hark! 'tis the knell of the Browning Society, + Wind-bags are bursting all round us to-day; + FURNIVALL fails, and for want of his diet he + Pines like a love-stricken maiden away. + + Long has he fed upon cackle and platitude, + FURNIVALL sauce to a dish full of dearth, + Still, in the favourite FURNIVALL attitude, + Grubbing about like a mole in the earth. + + Now must he vanish, the mole-hills are flat again, + (Follies grow fewer it seems by degrees); + Lovers of BROWNING may laugh and grow fat again, + Rid of the jargon of Furnivallese. + + * * * * * + +NEW AND OLD TERMS.--"Slate, Slite, Slote, Slitten," is the title of +an amusing article in the _Saturday Review_, on the derivation of the +verb "to slate." How "slote" comes in is not quite evident, but that +when the pages of a dull book are "slitten" by the paper-knife, it +will be read and slated by a critic, and then "slited" (or "slighted") +by the public, is quite sufficient without "putting a penny in the +'slote'" on the chance of getting something better. + + * * * * * + +SO LIKE HIM!--Tuesday last week was the seventieth birthday of +Professor VIRCHOW. He has refused all titles and emoluments, observing +that "VIRCHOW is its own reward." + + * * * * * + +VERY POP-ULAR!--Through the _Times_ came the information that, since +the famine, the Russian Officers have given up drinking champagne. +Their conduct is really quite Magnuminous! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GRANDOLPH AD LEONES."] + + * * * * * + +"ADSCRIPTUS GLEBÆ." + + ["He (Mr. GOSCHEN) was in favour of giving the agricultural + labourer every opportunity of becoming more attached to the + soil."--_Mr. Goschen at Cambridge_.] + + Attached to the soil! Pretty optimist phrase + We are so, and have been, from _Gurth's_ simpler days, + Though now platform flowers of speech--pleasant joke!-- + May wreath the serf's ring till men scarce see the yoke. + Attached to the soil! The soil clings to our souls! + Young labour's scant guerdon, cold charity's doles, + The crow-scarer's pittance, the poor-house's aid + All smell of it! Tramping with boots thickly clayed + From brown field or furrow, or lowered at last + In our special six-feet by the sexton up-cast, + We smack of the earth, till we earthy have grown, + Like the mound that Death gives us--best friend--for our own. + We tramp it, we delve it, we plough it, this soil, + And a grave is the final reward of our toil. + Attached? The attachment of love is one thing, + The attachment of profit another. _Gurth's_ ring + Is _our_ form of attachment at bottom, Sir, still, + And to favour _that_ bond HODGE doubts not your good will. + But when others talk of improving our lot + By possession of more than a burial plot, + By pay for our toil, and by balm for our troubles, + You ban all such prospects as "radiant bubbles." + Declare "under-currents of plunder" run through + All plans for our aid save those favoured by you, + Attached to the soil! Ah! how many approve + _That_ attachment, when founded on labour and love! + But about "confiscation" they chatter and fuss + At all talk of attaching the soil to poor us! + + * * * * * + +FREE AND INDEPENDENT. + + SCENE--_Manager's Room of the Ideal Theatre. + Present--Committee of Taste._ + +[Illustration] + +_Manager_. Now, you fellows, I think we have settled what to do next. +Carry out the notion of an afternoon performance of the Ideal Drama. +We have got the moderate guarantee, and the good stock company, and +hope to receive the cooperation of the leading artists from other +theatres. Isn't that so? + +_Auditor_. Yes, I can answer for the moderate guarantee--about £20--in +the bank. + +_Stage Manager_. And the good stock company was imported early this +morning from Ireland. All very good Shakspearian actors with a taste +of a brogue to give their remarks pungency. + +_Manager_. That's all right. And what is the play? + +_First Member of the Committee of Taste_. "_Demons_," by the Master. + +_Second Ditto_. No, let us have something newer. Why not an adaptation +(by myself) of that charming work by SODALA--I call it _Blood and +Thunder_? + +_Manager_ (_producing halfpenny_). By the rules of the Company we toss +for it. (_Throws up coin._) Heads!--_Blood and Thunder_ wins. We +will do _Blood and Thunder_. Well, now as to casting it. Anything for +IRVING in it? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, yes--if he would play it. A Policeman who dies +by cutting his throat in Scene 1. Not the sort of part he usually +selects, but capital. + +_First Mem._ It is not for Mr. IRVING to pick and choose, it is the +cause of Art we serve. + +_Second Mem._ Well, yes. We might telephone and learn his views on the +subject. + + [_Subordinate takes instructions_. + +_Manager_. All right! Ah, here we have the piece! Rather long, but +the parts seem mild enough. Who's to do this soldier--a sort of heavy +dragoon, with a cold, who dies in the First Scene of the Second Act? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, anybody! KENDAL or FARREN; or if they can't, then +HARE or LIONEL BROUGH. + +_Manager_. But do you think they will like it? You see they each have +their line, and-- + +_First Mem._ In the cause of Art they will be prepared to do anything. +At least, they ought to be. + +_Manager_. Well, we will telephone to them too. (_Subordinate takes +further instructions_.) And now, how about the Ladies? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, there are a lot of school-girls, and a woman who +dies by degrees of general paralysis. The girls, of course will be all +right with--say, Miss EMERY, Miss LINDEN, Miss ALMA MURRAY, and Mrs. +KENDAL. But we want two people to play the woman. First Act, Miss +ELLEN TERRY; second and third, Miss GENEVIEVE WARD. To be properly +played, both should be in it. + +_Manager_. But how will that do? I do not think that Miss TERRY will +care to-- + +_First Mem._ Nonsense! She is a most charming person, and will do +anything in the cause of Art. + +_Subordinate_ (_returning from telephone_). Beg pardon, Gentlemen, but +Messrs. KENDAL, FARREN, BROUGH and HARE say they are very sorry, but +they are not at home; and Mr. IRVING presents his compliments, +and would be delighted to do what we wish, but he fears he will be +otherwise engaged. However, he says you have his sympathy, and his +heart goes out to you. [_Exit._ + +_Manager_. Well, what shall we do? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, there's VEZIN, and TERRIS, and PAULTON, and a heap +more! + +_Subordinate_ (_returning_). Just heard from the Ladies, Gentlemen, +and they send their kindest regards, but they are out too! + +_Acting Manager_ (_entering_). Well, how about the performance? + +_Members of the Council_ (_together_). Oh, it's nearly arranged! + +_Acting Man._ Well, if I might suggest, as a person of considerable +experience, it doesn't matter a jot whether you get a company together +or not. + +_Members_ (_as before_). Why? + +_Acting Man._ Because you won't get an audience! + + [_Scene closes in upon farther consultation._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODEST AMBITION. + +_The Squire_ (_to his Eldest Son, just home from the 'Varsity_). +"WELL, MY BOY, AND WHAT HAVE YOU SETTLED TO BE?" + +_The Squire's Son_. "JUST A _PLAIN COUNTRY GENTLEMAN_ LIKE YOU, +FATHER!"] + + * * * * * + +THEOSOPHIC TOOLS. + +(_BY AN OPPONENT OF OCCULTISM._) + + The Theosophic Boom, its wordy strife + And futile fuss are fading out in "fizzle." + They talk a deal about their "_planes_ of life," + 'Tis plain to me the fitter term were "chisel." + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG: + +OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS. + +"A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse," says the old saw, and +a wink is no doubt as good as a smile to a purblind ass. But the wink +is indeed one of the worst uses to which the human eye can he put. It +signifies usually the vulgarisation of humour, and the degradation of +mirth. It is the favourite eye-language of the cynical cad, the coarse +jester, the crapulous clown, and--above all--the chuckling cheat. + +[Illustration] + +It must be admitted, that the Muse of the Music Hall--in her Momus +mood--has a strong leaning towards the glorification of cynical +'cuteness of the _Autolycus_ sort. It is a weakness which she seems +to share with party scribes and Colonial politicians. If she had any +classic leanings, which she has not, her favourite deity would be +Mercury, the "winking Cyllenian Argophont" of the Homeric Hymn, the +"little cradled rogue," the Apollo-cheating babe, "the lord of those +who swindle, house-break, sheep-steal and shop-lift," under whom +_Autolycus_ prided himself upon having been "littered." _Autolycus's_ +complacent self-gratulation, "How bless'd are we that are not simple +men!" would appeal to the heart of the Music-hall votary. "Ha, ha! +what a fool Honesty is! and Trust his sworn brother, a very simple +gentleman" is, virtually, the burthen of dozens of the most favourite +of the Music-hall ditties. + +Sly-scheming Hermes "winked" knowingly at Jupiter when he was +"pitching his yarn" about the stolen oxen, and Jupiter "according to +his wont," + + "Laughed heartily to hear the subtle witted + Infant give such a plausible account, + And every word a lie." + +So the Music-hall Muse "winks" knowingly, and knavishly, at her +audience, and her audience "laugh heartily," in Jovian guffaws, at her +winks. What wonder then that she should lyrically apostrophise "The +Wink" in laudatory numbers? + + "Say, boys, now is it quite the thing?" + +she cries in sham deprecation, but all the while she "winks the other +eye" in a way her hearers quite understand. "Cabby knows his fare," +and the Music-hall Muse knows her clients. What, we wonder, would +be her reception did she really carry out her ironically pretended +protest and sing to the chuckling cads who applaud her, the following +version of her favourite lay? + +NO. II.--THE WINK OF ROGUERY'S EYE. + +AIR--"_WINK THE OTHER EYE_." + + Say, boys, whatever do men mean + When they wink the other eye? + Why, when "sharps" say the world is "green," + Do they wink the other eye? + The Radicals and Tories both tell stories, not a few, + About Measures falsely promised, and reforms long overdue; + And when the simple Mob believes that every word is true. + Then they--wink the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, now is it quite the thing! + Say, should we let them have their fling? + Ah, when they get us "on a string" + Then they wink the other eye! + + Say, boys are Leaders to be loved, + When they wink the other eye? + By artful speech the Mob is moved, + Till _it_ winks the other eye; + The optic Wink's the language of the sly and sordid soul, + The mute freemasonry of Fraud, sign-post to Roguery's goal. + When Circe sees her votaries swine ready in sludge to roll + Then _she_ winks the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, _is_ it so fine a thing, + Low Cunning, which Cheat's laureates sing, + The Comus of the Mart and Ring, + Who--winks the other eye? + + Say, boys, is Cunning's promise good, + When she winks the other eye? + Noodledom seeks her neighbourhood, + And winks _its_ other eye. + For no one winks so freely as a fool who _thinks_ he's sly; + The dupe of deeper knavery smirks in shallow mimicry + Of the smirking JERRY DIDDLER who is sucking him so dry, + And who winks the other eye. + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, now is the Wink a thing + Worthy of worship; will you fling + Your caps in air for the Knave-King + Who--winks the other eye? + + The Politician plucks his geese, + Then he winks the other eye. + Brazen Fraud steals Trade's Golden Fleece, + Then he winks the other eye. + _Autolycus_ pipes ballads; public pockets are his aim; + _Rabagas_ raves of "liberty"; advancement is his game; + And when their dupes aren't looking all these rogues do just the same, + They--wink the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, pæans will you sing + To winking harpies all a-wing + To prey on fools; who steal, and sting, + And--wink the other eye? + + Wisdom may smile, but Cunning can't, + She winks the other eye. + Humour shall chortle, Mockery shan't, + She winks the other eye. + The stars above us twinkle and the dews beneath us blink, + All the eyes of Nature sparkle, and from merriment do not shrink, + The Language of the Eye of Cynic Knavery is--the Wink! + _Roguery_ "winks the other eye!" + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, is it quite the thing? + "Ducdà me"[1] to fools the Diddlers sing; + Trust me 'tis Rascals in a Ring + Who wink the other eye! + +[Footnote 1: + + _Amiens_. What's that "ducdà me"? + + _Jaques_. 'Tis a Greek invocation to call fools into a circle. + +"_As You Like It_," _Act II., Sc. 5._] + + * * * * * + +THE EVOLUTION OF TOMMY'S PRIVATE-SCHOOL REPORT. + +1. _A rough draught, written by the under-master, who certainly has +had rather a trying week with_ TOMMY. + +"I am unable to speak highly of either his intelligence or his +industry; but occasionally he works well, and has undoubtedly made +some progress this term. His conduct is not always good." + +2. _Second rough draught_; TOMMY _in the meantime has missed a +repetition and accidentally knocked down the black-board._ + +"Exceptionally stupid and idle. Cannot be said to have made any +progress whatever this term, although he has had every effort made +with him. His conduct is abominable, noisy and unruly in the extreme." + +3. _Fair copy to be submitted to the principal; of course_, TOMMY _had +not intended to be overheard when he spoke of the under-master as_ +"_Old Pig-face_," _but this is the result._ + +"A more idle and utterly worthless boy it has never been my misfortune +to teach. Seems to have gone steadily backward all the term. Is most +objectionable in his manners, and has no sense of honour." + +4. _Fair copy, as amended by the principal; how was_ TOMMY _to +know that stone would break the conservatory window, and drive the +principal to alter the report to this?_ + +"Would be better suited in a reformatory than in a school of this +standing. Utterly depraved, vicious and idle, with marked criminal +instincts. In intellect verges on the imbecile. Unless there is a +marked improvement next term, I cannot keep him." + +5. _Principal's final copy; it_ was _fortunate that_ TOMMY _happened +to remark that he had four cousins who were, perhaps, coming next +term. One can't lose four pupils, even if it makes it necessary to +write like this._ + +"A singularly bright and high-spirited boy; a little given to +mischief, as all boys are, but quite amenable to discipline. My +assistant speaks most highly of his progress this term, and of his +general intelligence. He seems well suited by our system. His conduct +is, on the whole, admirable. He is truthful and conscientious." + + * * * * * + +COUPLET BY A CYNIC. + + "Poetry does not sell!" cry plaintive pleaders. + Alas! most modern Poetry _does_--its readers! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. October 24, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14057 *** diff --git a/14057-h/14057-h.htm b/14057-h/14057-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac5152a --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/14057-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2358 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, October 24, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14057 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 24, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" + id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span> + + <h2>LAISSEZ FAIRE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Inscription for a Free Public Library.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/193-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/193-1.png" + alt="A poor reader." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here is an Institution doomed to scare</p> + + <p>The furious devotees of <i>Laissez Faire</i>.</p> + + <p>What mental shock, indeed, could prove immenser</p> + + <p>To Mumbo Jumbo—or to HERBERT SPENCER?</p> + + <p>Free Books? Reading provided from the Rates?</p> + + <p>Oh, that means Freedom's ruin, and the State's!</p> + + <p>Self-help's all right,—e'en if you rob a + brother—</p> + + <p>But human creatures must <i>not</i> help each + other!</p> + + <p>The "Self-made Man," whom SAMUEL SMILES so + praises,</p> + + <p>Who on his fellows' necks his footing raises,</p> + + <p>The systematic "Sweater," who sucks wealth</p> + + <p>From toiling crowds by cunning and by + stealth,—</p> + + <p><i>He</i> is all right, <i>he</i> has no maudlin + twist,</p> + + <p><i>He</i> does not shock the Individualist!</p> + + <p>But rate yourselves to give the poor free + reading?</p> + + <p>The Pelican to warm her nestlings bleeding,</p> + + <p>Was no such monument of feeble folly.</p> + + <p><i>Let folks alone</i>, and all will then be + jolly.</p> + + <p>Let the poor perish, let the ignorant sink,</p> + + <p>The tempted tumble, and the drunkard drink!</p> + + <p>Let—no, <i>don't</i> let the low-born robber + rob,</p> + + <p>Because,—well, that would rather spoil the + job.</p> + + <p>If footpad-freedom brooked no interference,</p> + + <p>Of Capital there might be a great clearance;</p> + + <p>But, Wealth well-guarded, let all else alone.</p> + + <p>'Tis thus our race hath to true manhood grown:</p> + + <p>To make the general good the common care,</p> + + <p>Breaks through the sacred law of <i>Laissez + Faire</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A REMONSTRANCE.</h2> + + <h4><i>To Luke's Little Summer.</i></h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/193-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/193-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah, Summer! now thy wayward race is run,</p> + + <p>With soft, appeasing smiles thou com'st, like + one</p> + + <p class="i2">Who keeps a pageant waiting all the + day,</p> + + <p>Till half the guests and all the joy is gone,</p> + + <p class="i2">And hearts are heavy that awoke so + gay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What though the faithful trees, still gladly + green,</p> + + <p>Show fretted depths of blue their boughs + between,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though placid sunlight sleeps upon the + lawn,</p> + + <p>It only tells us of what might have been</p> + + <p class="i2">Of fickle favours wantonly withdrawn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Blown with rude winds, and beaten down with + rain,</p> + + <p>How can the roses dare to trust again</p> + + <p class="i2">The tricksy mistress whom they once + adored?</p> + + <p>Even the glad heaven, chilled with stormy stain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Grudges its skylark pilgrims of its + hoard.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Poor is the vintage that the wild bee quiffs,</p> + + <p>When the tall simple lilies—the giraffes</p> + + <p class="i2">That browse on loftier air than other + flowers—</p> + + <p>When all the blooms, wherewith late Summer + laughs,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like chidden children droop among the + bowers.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oft like a moorhen scuttling to the reeds,</p> + + <p>The cricket-ball sped o'er the plashy meads,</p> + + <p class="i2">And rainbow-blended blazers shrank and + ran</p> + + <p>When showers, in mockery of his moist needs,</p> + + <p class="i2">Half-drown'd the water-loving river + man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What woman's rights have crazed thee?</p> + + <p class="i4">Would'st thou be</p> + + <p>A Winter Amazon, more fierce than he?</p> + + <p class="i2">Can Summer birds thy shrew-heroics + sing?</p> + + <p>Wilt tend no more the daisies on the lea,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor wake thy cowslips up on May + morning?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What, shall we brew us possets by the fire</p> + + <p>And let the wild rose shiver on the brier.</p> + + <p class="i2">The cowslip tremble in the meadows + chill,</p> + + <p>While thy unlovely battle-call wails higher</p> + + <p class="i2">And dusty squadrons charge adown the + hill?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is too late; thou art no love of mine;</p> + + <p>I answer not this sigh, this kiss divine;</p> + + <p class="i2">The sunlight penitently streaming + down</p> + + <p>Shines through the paling leaf like thinnest + wine</p> + + <p class="i2">Quaff'd in the clear air of a mountain + town.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell! For old love's sake I kiss thy hands;</p> + + <p>Go on thy way; away to other lands</p> + + <p class="i2">That love thee less, and need thee less + than we;</p> + + <p>Pour out thy passion on some desert sands,</p> + + <p class="i2">Forget thy lover of the Northern Sea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Away with fond pretence; let winter come</p> + + <p>With snow that strikes the heaviest footfall + dumb.</p> + + <p class="i2">We know the worst, and face his rage with + glee;</p> + + <p>And, though the world without be ne'er so glum,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sit by the hearth, and dream and + talk—of thee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, come again with earliest April; stay,</p> + + <p>Thyself once more, through the fair time when + day</p> + + <p class="i2">Clasps hand with day, through the brief + hush of night—</p> + + <p>A twilight bower of roses, where in play</p> + + <p class="i2">Dance little maidens through from light + to light.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Birds of a Feather.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Lord HAWKE's team of Cricketers were beaten at Manheim + by the Philadelphians by eight wickets whereat the + <i>Philadelphia Ledger</i> cockadoodles considerably. The + Britishers, however, won the return match somewhat + easily.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Yankee Eagle well might squeal and squawk</p> + + <p>At having licked the British bird (Lord) HAWKE.</p> + + <p>But when that HAWKE his brood had "pulled + together,"</p> + + <p>That Eagle found it yet might "moult a feather."</p> + + <p>Go it, ye friendly-fighting fowls! But know</p> + + <p>'Tis only "Roosters" who o'er conquest + <i>crow</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOME SWEET HOME!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By one who believes there's no place like it.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/193-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/193-3.png" + alt="Mr. Punch." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return (for home the Briton hankers,</p> + + <p class="i2">After an exile of two months or so,</p> + + <p>Swiss or Italian). Sweet—to find your + Banker's</p> + + <p class="i4">Balance getting low.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from Como or Sorrento.</p> + + <p class="i2">Meshed in their shimmering net of drowsy + sheen,</p> + + <p>Into a climate that you know not when to</p> + + <p class="i4">Really call serene.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from hostelries whose waiters</p> + + <p class="i2">Rush to fulfil your slightest word or + whim,</p> + + <p>Back to a cook who passionately caters</p> + + <p class="i4">Not for you, but <i>him</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from <i>Table-d'Hôtes</i> + disgusting</p> + + <p class="i2">(Oh, how you grumbled at the <i>Sauce + Romaine</i>!)</p> + + <p>Fresh to the filmy succulence incrusting</p> + + <p class="i4">Solid joints again.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from Innkeepers demurely</p> + + <p class="i2">Pricing your candle at a franc + unshamed,</p> + + <p>Back to a land where perquisites are surely</p> + + <p class="i4">Never, never claimed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from bargaining, disputing,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Pourboires</i> and <i>Trinkgelds</i> + grudgingly bestowed—</p> + + <p>Unto the simple charioteers of Tooting,</p> + + <p class="i4">Or the Cromwell Road.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from "all those dreadful + tourists,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Such mixed society as chance allots,</p> + + <p>E'en to the social splendour of the purists</p> + + <p class="i4">Of those sparkling spots.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return to bills and fogs and duty!</p> + + <p class="i2">(Some of the latter at our Custom + House)</p> + + <p>Sweet, after smaller game, to hail the beauty</p> + + <p class="i6">Of the British mouse!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet too the sight of cockchafer; and sweet'll</p> + + <p class="i2">Welcome the pilgrim, doomed too long to + roam,</p> + + <p>England's tried sentinel, the black, black + beetle</p> + + <p class="i4">With his "Home, sweet Home!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page194" + id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/194.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/194.png" + alt="LONDON'S DILEMMA; OR, 'FAIR ROSAMOND' UP TO DATE." /> + </a> + + <h3>LONDON'S DILEMMA; OR, "FAIR ROSAMOND" UP TO + DATE.</h3>(<i>Lately-discovered Fragments of a valuable and + interesting "Variant" of the old Ballad Story.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When as VICTORIA rulde this land,</p> + + <p class="i2">The firste of that greate name,</p> + + <p>Faire Loundonne, of the cockneyes lovde,</p> + + <p class="i2">Attaynd to power and fame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Most peerlesse was her splendoure founde,</p> + + <p class="i2">Her favour, and her face;</p> + + <p>Yet was there one thing marred her weale,</p> + + <p class="i2">And wroughte her dire disgrace.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her dower was all that showered golde,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like Danaë's, could her lende,</p> + + <p>Yet dwelt she in the ogreish holde</p> + + <p class="i2">Of fell and fearsome fiende.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yea Loundonne Towne, faire Loundonne Towne,</p> + + <p class="i2">Her name was calléd so,</p> + + <p>To whom the Witch Monopolie</p> + + <p class="i2">Was known a deadlye foe.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now when ye Countie Councile woke,</p> + + <p class="i2">And FARRER rose to fame,</p> + + <p>With envious heart Monopolie</p> + + <p class="i2">To Loundonne straightway came.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Cast off from thee those schemes," said she,</p> + + <p class="i2">"That greate and costlye bee,</p> + + <p>And drinke thou up this deadlye cup,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which I have brought to thee!"</p> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" + id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Take pitty on my awkward plight!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Faire Loundonne she dyd crye,</p> + + <p>"And lett me not with poison stronge</p> + + <p class="i2">Enforcéd be to dye!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then out and laught that wicked Witch:</p> + + <p class="i2">"If that you will not drinke,</p> + + <p>This dagger choose! Though you be riche,</p> + + <p class="i2">You'll shrinke from <i>that</i>, I + thinke."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The dagger was a magic blayde,</p> + + <p class="i2">With figures graven o'er,</p> + + <p>Which, as you gazed thereon, did seeme</p> + + <p class="i2">To growe to more and more.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Nay," quothe faire Loundonne, "'tis but choyce</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twixt dyvill and deepe sea!</p> + + <p>I praye thee take thyself awaye,</p> + + <p class="i2">And leave the jobbe to me!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But nothynge could this grasping Witch</p> + + <p class="i2">Therewith appeaséd be.</p> + + <p>The cup of deadlye poison stronge,</p> + + <p class="i2">As she knelt on her knee,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She gave this comely dame to drinke,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who tooke it in her hande,</p> + + <p>Then from her bended knees arose,</p> + + <p class="i2">And on her feet did stande.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And casting Council-wards her eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">She did for rescue call,</p> + + <p>When—[<i>Fragmentes further may be + founde,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>At presente thys is alle!</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>If close researche, as welle we hope,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Perchaunce complete ye texte,</i></p> + + <p><i>This ballade, as scribes saye, shall be</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>"Continued in our next!"</i>]</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/195-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/195-1.png" + alt="Judges." /></a> + </div> + + <p>Wanted, a few good extra Judges, who will be prepared to do + all the work at present delayed or neglected by the existing + members of the Bench. They will be expected to dispense with + all vacations except a week at Christmas, five days at Easter, + and a fortnight from the first to the fifteenth of October. + They will devote their entire time to the service of the State, + both day and night. Their day will be devoted to business in + the High Court of Justice in the Strand, and when required they + will go Circuit (by special express) sitting at the various + assizes from 9 P.M. until 3 A.M., returning to London by trains + timed to reach the Metropolis sufficiently early to allow of + the usual morning sitting. They will be further required to + consider their leisure (if any) entirely at the disposal of + those members of the Bar and Solicitors who require it. If they + do this punctually and diligently, without knocking up, they + will be permitted to draw salaries computed at the rate of + about one-third of the emoluments received by a third-rate + Queen's Counsel; and if they grow lazy, or are incapacitated by + illness, they will be rewarded by a number of personal attacks + in the London newspapers. Applications to be sent to the Lord + Chancellor (endorsed "Extra Judges to suppress outside + clamour") as early as possible. Every candidate for an + appointment will be expected to be as strong as a horse, and as + insensible to feeling as the back of a rhinoceros.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Big Drinkers, Moderate Drinkers, and Little + Drinkers—this is the Tipple Alliance!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/195-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/195-2.png" + alt="'WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST.'—No. 3." /> + </a> + + <h3>"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."—No. + 3.</h3>WHEN HIS DENTIST <i>WILL</i> SUSPEND OPERATIONS TO + TELL HIM FUNNY STORIES. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>Gilbert à Beckett.</h2> + + <h4>BORN, APRIL 7, 1837. DIED, OCT. 15, 1891.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Wearing the white flower of a blameless life."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">TENNYSON.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>GILBERT the Good! Title, though high, well + earned</p> + + <p>By him through whose rare nature brightly burned</p> + + <p class="i4">The fire of purity,</p> + + <p>Undimmed, unflickering, like some altar flame</p> + + <p>Sky-pointing ever. Friend, what thought of blame</p> + + <p class="i4">Hath coldest heart for thee?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A knightly-priest or priestly-knight wert thou,</p> + + <p>Man of the radiant eye and reverent brow;</p> + + <p class="i4">Chivalry closely knit</p> + + <p>With fervent faith in thee indeed were blent;</p> + + <p>Thought upon high ideals still intent,</p> + + <p class="i4">And a most lambent wit.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Serene, though with a power of scathing scorn</p> + + <p>For all things mean or base. Sorrow long borne,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though bowing, soured not thee.</p> + + <p>Bereaved, health-broken, still that patient + smile</p> + + <p>Wreathed the pale lips which never greed or + guile</p> + + <p class="i4">Shaped to hypocrisy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A saintly-hearted wit, a satirist pure,</p> + + <p>Mover of mirth spontaneous as sure,</p> + + <p class="i4">And innocent as mad;</p> + + <p>Incongruous freak and frolic phantasy</p> + + <p>Were thy familiar spirits, quickening glee</p> + + <p class="i4">And wakening laughter glad.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dainty as <i>Ariel</i>, yet as <i>Puck</i> + profuse</p> + + <p>Of the "preposterous," was that wit, whose use</p> + + <p class="i4">Was ever held "within</p> + + <p>The limits of becoming mirth." His whim</p> + + <p>Never shy delicacy's glance could dim,</p> + + <p class="i4">Or move the cynic grin.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But that fate's hampering hand lay on him long</p> + + <p>He might have won in drama and in song</p> + + <p class="i4">A more enduring name.</p> + + <p>But he is gone, the gentle, loyal, just,</p> + + <p>Whence all these things fall earthward with the + dust</p> + + <p class="i4">Of fleeting earthly fame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Gone from our hoard, gone from the home he + loved!</p> + + <p>With what compassion are his comrades moved</p> + + <p class="i4">For those who sit alone</p> + + <p>With memories of him! Gracious memories all!</p> + + <p>A thought to lighten, like that flower, his + pall,</p> + + <p class="i4">And hush love's troubled moan.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell, fine spirit! To be owned thy friend</p> + + <p>Was something to illume the unwelcome end</p> + + <p class="i4">Of comradeship below.</p> + + <p>A loving memory long our board will grace,</p> + + <p>In fancy, with that sweet ascetic face.</p> + + <p class="i4">That brow's benignant glow.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Rhyme at Rhyl.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a Listening Layman.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If Cleric Congresses could only care</p> + + <p class="i2">A little less for the mere Church and + Steeple,</p> + + <p>Parochial pomp and power in lion's share,</p> + + <p class="i2">And have one aim—to purify the + People,</p> + + <p>They need not shrink from Disestablishment,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or any other secular enormity;</p> + + <p>Unselfish love of Man destroys Dissent,</p> + + <p class="i2">True Charity provokes no + Nonconformity.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" + id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XI.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Balcony outside the Musik-Saal of the + Insel Hotel, Constance.</i> Miss PRENDERGAST <i>is + seated</i>; CULCHARD <i>is leaning against the railing + close by. It is about nine; the moon has risen, big and + yellow, behind the mountains at the further end of the + lake; small black boats are shooting in and out of her + track upon the water; the beat of the steamers' paddles is + heard as they come into harbour.</i> CULCHARD <i>has just + proposed.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss Prendergast</i> (<i>after a silence</i>). I have + always felt very strongly with RUSKIN, that no girl should have + the cruelty to refuse a proposal—</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>with alacrity</i>). RUSKIN is always so + right. And—er—where there is such complete sympathy + in tastes and ideas, as I venture to think exists in our own + case, the cruelty would—</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/196.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/196.png" + alt="'It does seem rather rough on fellows, don't you know.'" /> + </a>"It does seem rather rough on fellows, don't you know." + </div> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> Pray allow me to finish! "Refuse a proposal + <i>at once</i>" is RUSKIN's expression. He also says (if my + memory does not betray me), that "no lover should have the + insolence to think of being accepted at once." You will find + the passage somewhere in "<i>Fors</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>whose jaw has visibly fallen</i>). I + cannot say I recall it at this moment. Does he hold that a + lover should expect to be accepted + by—er—instalments, because, if so—</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> I think I can quote his exact words. "If she + simply doesn't like him, she may send him away for seven + years—"</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>stiffly</i>). No doubt that course is open + to her. But why seven, and where is he expected to go?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>continuing calmly</i>). "He vowing to + live on cresses and wear sackcloth meanwhile, or the like + penance."</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I feel bound to state at once that, in my own + case, my position at Somerset House would render anything of + that sort utterly impracticable.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> Wait, please,—you are so impetuous. "If + she likes him a little,"—(CULCHARD's <i>brow + relaxes</i>)—"or thinks she might come to like him in + time, she may let him stay near her,"—(CULCHARD <i>makes + a movement of relief and gratitude</i>)—"putting him + always on sharp trial, and requiring, figuratively, as many + lion-skins or giants' heads as she thinks herself worth."</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>grimly</i>). "Figuratively" is a distinct + concession on RUSKIN's part. Still, I should be glad to + know—</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> If you will have a little more patience, I + will make myself clear. I have always determined that when + the—ah—occasion presented itself, I would deal with + it on Ruskinian principles. I propose in your + case—presuming of course that you are willing to be under + vow for me—to adopt a middle course.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> You are extremely good. And what precise form + of—er—penance did you think of?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> The trial I impose is, that you leave + Constance to-morrow—with Mr. PODBURY.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>firmly</i>). If you expect me to travel + for seven years with him, permit me to mention that I simply + cannot do it. My leave expires in three weeks.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> I mentioned no term, I believe. Long before + three weeks are over we shall meet again, and I shall be able + to see how you have borne the test. I wish you to correct, if + possible, a certain intolerance in your attitude towards Mr. + PODBURY. Do you accept this probation, or not?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I—ah—suppose I have no choice. But + you really must allow me to say that it is <i>not</i> precisely + the reception I anticipated. Still, in your service, I am + willing to endure even PODBURY—for a strictly limited + period; that I <i>do</i> stipulate for.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> That, as I have already said, is quite + understood. Now go and arrange with Mr. PODBURY.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself, as he retires</i>). It is + <i>most</i> unsatisfactory; but at least PODBURY is disposed + of!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>The same Scene, a quarter of an hour later.</i> + PODBURY <i>and</i> Miss PRENDERGAST.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>with a very long face</i>). No, I + <i>say</i>, though! RUSKIN doesn't say all that?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> I am not in the habit of misquoting. If you + wish to verify the quotation, however, I daresay I could find + you the reference in <i>Fors Clavigera</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>ruefully</i>). Thanks—I won't trouble + you. Only it does seem rather rough on fellows, don't you know. + If everyone went on his plan—well, there wouldn't be many + marriages! Still, I never thought you'd say "Yes" right off. + It's like my cheek, I know, to ask you at all; you're so + awfully clever and that. And if there's a chance for me, I'm + game for anything in the way of a trial. Don't make it stiffer + than you can help, that's all!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> All I ask of you is to leave me for a short + time, and go and travel with Mr. CULCHARD again.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, I say, Miss PRENDERGAST, you know. Make it + something else. <i>Do!</i></p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> That is the task I require, and I can accept + no other. It is nothing, after all, but what you came out here + to do.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I didn't know him <i>then</i>, you see. And + what made me agree to come away with him at all is beyond me. + It was all HUGHIE ROSE's doing—he said we should get on + together like blazes. So we have—<i>very</i> like + blazes!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> Never mind that. Are you willing to accept + the trial or not?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> If you only knew what he's like when he's + nasty, you'd let me off—you would, really. But there, to + please you, I'll do it. I'll stand him as long as ever I + can—'pon my honour I will. Only you'll make it up to me + afterwards, won't you now?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> I will make no promises—a true knight + should expect no reward for his service, Mr. PODBURY.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>blankly</i>). Shouldn't he? I'm a little + new to the business, you see, and it <i>does</i> strike + me—but never mind. When am I to trot him off?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> As soon as you can induce him to + go—to-morrow, if possible.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I don't believe he'll <i>go</i>, you know, for + one thing!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>demurely</i>). I think you will find him + open to persuasion. But go and try, Mr. PODBURY.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>to himself, as he withdraws</i>). Well, + I've let myself in for a nice thing! Rummest way of treating a + proposal <i>I</i> ever heard of. I should just like to tell + that fellow RUSKIN what I think of his precious ideas. But + there's <i>one</i> thing, though—she can't care about + CULCHARD, or she wouldn't want him carted off like this.... + Hooray, I never thought of that before! Why, there he is, + dodging about to find out how <i>I've</i> got on. I'll tackle + him straight off.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>and</i> PODBURY <i>meet at the head of the + staircase, and speak at the same moment.</i></p> + </blockquote><span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" + id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span> + + <table summary="dialog"> + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>Culch.</i> Er—PODBURY it has + occurred to me that we might—</td> + + <td align="left" + rowspan="2"><font size="+5">}</font></td> + + <td align="left" + rowspan="2">leave this place to-morrow!</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>Podb.</i> I say, CULCHARD, we + really ought to—</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Hullo! we're both of one mind for once, eh? + (<i>To himself</i>.) Poor old beggar! Got the sack! That + explains a lot. Well, I won't tell him anything about this + business just now.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> So it appears. (<i>To himself</i>.) (Had his + <i>quietus</i>, evidently. Ah, well, I won't exult over + him.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They go off together to consult a + time-table.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss. P.</i> (<i>on the balcony, musing</i>). Poor + fellows! I couldn't very well say anything more definite at + present. By the time I see them again, I may understand my own + heart better. Really, it is rather an exciting sensation, + having two suitors under vow and doing penance at the same + time—and all for my sake! I hope, though, they won't + mention it to one another—or to BOB. BOB does not + understand these things, and he might— But, after all, + there are only <i>two</i> of them. And RUSKIN distinctly says + that every girl who is worth <i>anything</i> ought always to + have half-a-dozen or so. Two is really <i>quite</i> + moderate.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A TOO-ENGAGING MAIDEN'S REPLY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's kind permission.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/197-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/197-1.png" + alt="What people reckon 'a nice sort of fellow.'" /> + </a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, I read your effusion that lately got + printed,</p> + + <p class="i2">And at first never guessed there was + anything meant.</p> + + <p>But when someone suggested that something was + hinted,</p> + + <p class="i2">On your verses some time I reluctantly + spent.</p> + + <p>They are fair—and perhaps <i>you</i> consider + them clever,</p> + + <p class="i2">You're a poet, no doubt, of a + <i>minor</i> degree,</p> + + <p>But I never was startled so strangely—no, + never!</p> + + <p class="i2">As to learn that the lady you mentioned + was me!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the coolest of ways you sum up my + attractions,</p> + + <p class="i2">Pray allow me to turn my attention to + <i>you</i>.</p> + + <p>You are good, I believe, at the vulgarest + fractions,</p> + + <p class="i2">You have cheek and assurance sufficient + for two.</p> + + <p>You are what people reckon "a nice sort of + fellow,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Your sense of importance very strongly + you feel.</p> + + <p>You are bilious, you've got a complexion of + yellow,</p> + + <p class="i2">You are plainer than I am—which + says a good deal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Am I free altogether from blame in the + matter?"—</p> + + <p class="i2">And as to my frowning, I don't know the + way—</p> + + <p>Do you really imagine that insolent chatter</p> + + <p class="i2">Can affect me, or that <i>I</i> care for + what people say?</p> + + <p>With fervent adorers around by the dozen,</p> + + <p class="i2">For whom but my word is the law of their + life.</p> + + <p>Do you think I'd occasion to pitch on a cousin,</p> + + <p class="i2">And announce that <i>you</i> wanted + myself as your wife?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Do not think I am angry, I am good at forgiving,</p> + + <p class="i2">Have my constant refusals then made you + so sour?</p> + + <p>Even poets in <i>Punch</i> have to write for their + living,</p> + + <p class="i2">And must wear their poor lives out at so + much the hour.</p> + + <p>I am weary and tired of being proposed to,</p> + + <p class="i2">And at times I'm afraid it will injure my + brain,</p> + + <p>But my heart for the future yourself, mind, is + closed to,</p> + + <p class="i2">So don't, I implore, come proposing + again.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A REAL BURNING QUESTION.—What should be done with the + mischievous and malicious noodles who communicate false alarms + (to the number of 518 in one year) to the London Fire Brigade, + by means of the fire-alarm posts fixed for public convenience + and protection in the public thoroughfares? The almost + appropriate Stake is out of date, but <i>Mr. Punch</i> opines + that the Pillory would be none too bad for them.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE BULL, THE BEAR, AND THE OXUS.—Russia, it is + asserted, "intends to annex the whole of the elevated plateaus + known as the Pamirs, and all parts of Afghanistan north of a + straight line drawn from Lake Victoria to the junction of the + Kotcha River with the Oxus." JOHN BULL might say, "I should + like to Kotcha at it!"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SOME LONDON "FIENDS."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>How to Exorcise, after reading Correspondence on the + subject in several</i> "<i>Dailies</i>.")</h4> + + <h4><i>The</i> "<i>Walking-stick and Umbrella Fiend</i>."</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:31%;"> + <a href="images/197-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/197-2.png" + alt="Fiend." /></a> + </div> + + <p>Provide yourself with a steel-plated umbrella (carriage + size), with a "non-conducting" handle. When open in a shower, + where people are hurrying, let the framework bristle with sharp + penknife points. Held firmly in front of you, you will find + everyone get out of your way. In entering a crowded omnibus or + railway carriage, by touching a knob, let the heat generated by + the electric current instantly cause the whole to become + "red-hot." Dexterously moved about in front of you, you will + find this a most thoroughly protecting weapon, clearing + instantly a large space on each side of you, and even sometimes + involving the summoning of the conductor or guard, with a view + to your removal either to another compartment, or even a + general request for your expulsion from the vehicle altogether. + This may lead possibly to your enjoyment of an entire + compartment to yourself; for, of course, you will point out + that you cannot be expected to travel without your umbrella, + which, after all, happens merely to be constructed on a + newly-patented principle.</p> + + <h4><i>The</i> "<i>Hansom Cab Fiend</i>."</h4> + + <p>This is easily overcome. You have merely to employ an agent + to purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a + high-pressure boiler, and the thing is done. With practice, you + can easily get eight miles an hour out of one of these + excellent machines, and you will find a general indifference as + to the rule of the road, especially if you turn a corner or two + at a stiff pace, act as a capital "road-clearer." Even the + smartest butcher's cart will do its best to get out of your way + when it sees you coming.</p> + + <h4><i>The</i> "<i>Piano Organ, German Band, and General Street + Music Fiend</i>."</h4> + + <p>Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) + several fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of + their excessive and unbearable shrillness. Whenever any sort of + street music commences at either end of your street, turn on, + by an apparatus specially arranged in your area, the full force + of the above. This will not only overpower your would-be + tormentors, but bring every householder in the neighbourhood to + his street-door begging you to desist. You have merely to say, + "When they stop, <i>I</i> turn off," to get them to comprehend + the situation. It may possibly lead to the intervention of the + police, probably in some force; but the net result will be that + you will, for that morning, at least, enjoy a quiet street.</p> + + <p>There are other London fiends removable by various measures, + concerning which much might be said if they were not + actionable.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/197-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/197-3.png" + alt="PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN 'BREAKING IN' HIS SHOOTING-BOOTS." /> + </a>PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN "BREAKING IN" HIS + SHOOTING-BOOTS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"GRATITUDE—A SENSE OF FAVOURS TO COME."—Mr. + SWINBURNE unexpectedly says a good word for the much be-mocked + BOWDLER. "No man (he says), ever did better service to + SHAKSPEARE than the man who made it possible to put him into + the hands of intelligent and imaginative children." Can Mr. + SWINBURNE be "proticipating" the period when another BOWDLER + may be called upon to do a similar "service" for the author of + <i>Poems and Ballads?</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" + id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/198.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/198.png" + alt="FRENCH AND ENGLISH." /></a> + + <h3>FRENCH AND ENGLISH.</h3> + + <p>(<i>As zey are Spoke at ze Country 'Ouse.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Hostess</i>. "OH—ER—J'ESPAIR KER VOOS + AVVY TROOVY VOTRE—VOTRE—ER—ER—VOTRE + <i>COLLAR STUD</i>, BARRONG?"</p> + + <p><i>M. le Baron</i>. "OH, I ZANK YOU, YES! I FIND 'EEM ON + MY <i>CHEST OF TROWSERS</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"AFTER YOU!"</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["I am sure I may say, on behalf of all those whose + names are mentioned (for the Leadership of the House of + Commons), that we do not understand what selfishness is in + the Public Service. Everyone of us would prefer that + someone else should hold that high and honourable + office."—<i>Sir M. Hicks-Beach at + Stockton-on-Tees</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <center> + <i>Eminent official Altruist loquitur</i>:— + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, <i>is</i> there such a vice as unholy love of + self.</p> + + <p class="i2">In the Public Service, too? 'Tis a thing + I can't believe.</p> + + <p>If I thought we could be moved by the love of power + or pelf,</p> + + <p class="i2">To compete for premier office I should + very greatly grieve.</p> + + <p>But oh no, oh deary no! I am sure it can't be + so.</p> + + <p class="i2">We don't even "understand it," so of + course it isn't true.</p> + + <p>When we're called upon to go, each will say, all + louting low,</p> + + <p class="i4">"After <i>you</i>!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We are not "competitive," like those naughty + goddesses</p> + + <p class="i2">Who poor Paris fluttered so upon Ida's + pine-clad peak.</p> + + <p>Of his "choice"—through selfishness—that + young shepherd made a mess,</p> + + <p class="i2">But our Shepherd, SALISBURY, will not be + so wildly weak;</p> + + <p>And our claims <i>we</i> shall not urge to + compulsion's very verge,</p> + + <p class="i2">On the contrary each one thinks that + "another" best will do.</p> + + <p>"No, loved comrade" (each will say) "let me make my + 'splendid splurge'</p> + + <p class="i4">"After <i>you</i>!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Look at GOSCHEN! Can't you see he regards with + perfect glee</p> + + <p class="i2">The prospect of promotion of his faithful + friend BALFOUR.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> doesn't want to lead. Ah no, indeed, + indeed!</p> + + <p class="i2">Do you think that off friend ARTHUR + JOACHIM can wish to score?</p> + + <p>Upon the Treasury Bench did he ever try to + trench</p> + + <p class="i2">On the province of the Leader for the + time, no matter who?</p> + + <p>He would cry, "Dear ARTHUR, No! from priority I + blench,—</p> + + <p class="i4">"After <i>you</i>!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then bland BALFOUR in his turn such crude + selfishness would spurn</p> + + <p class="i2">As the wish to prove himself popular more + than soft J.G.,</p> + + <p>With a most becoming blush his pale cheek, I'm sure, + would burn,</p> + + <p class="i2">If his uncle should cry, "Come, nephew + dear, and second me!"</p> + + <p>He would hint at nepotism, and the chance of secret + schism.</p> + + <p class="i2">"Let the mild ex-Liberal lead, I will be + his henchman true!"</p> + + <p>He would cry, with selfless joy on his brow like a + pure chrism,</p> + + <p class="i4">"After <i>you</i>!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And as for simple Me! Oh, it's utter + fiddle-de-dee</p> + + <p class="i2">To suppose that I possess, or desire, the + least look in.</p> + + <p>No, selfishness, my friends, we unitedly agree</p> + + <p class="i2">In Party life is just <i>the</i> + unpardonable sin,</p> + + <p>Which "we do not understand," like that other little + game</p> + + <p class="i2">That AH-SIN, reluctant, played, with some + small success 'tis true.</p> + + <p>But <i>we</i>'ve no sleeve-hidden card as we cry, + with modest shame,</p> + + <p class="i4">"After <i>you</i>!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>WHAT'S IN A NAME?—The <i>St. James's Gazette</i> + says:—"There are forty-seven divorces in the United + States for every one in the United Kingdom." Evidently "United" + is something more than <i>anagrammatically</i> identical with + "Untied."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"GRAY'S ELEGY" AMENDED.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["I have often thought that GRAY's <i>Elegy</i> was + defective in having no verse commemorative of the + sequestered and unsophisticated philanthropy of the village + doctor."—<i>Sir James Crichton-Browne at the + Yorkshire College, Leeds.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And one lies here of whom the scoffer said,</p> + + <p class="i2">He did his best the green churchyard to + fill;</p> + + <p>None ever looks upon his lowly bed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Without the recollection of a pill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He lived sequestered, and he died unknown,</p> + + <p class="i2">A truly unsophisticated man;</p> + + <p>A medicine-glass adorns his humble stone,</p> + + <p class="i2">And thus the epitaph they graved him + ran:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Here Doctor BOLUS lies, to dose no more;</p> + + <p class="i2">His charge was moderate, but quite + enough:</p> + + <p>Death left a last prescription at the door,</p> + + <p class="i2">And then the doctor had his '<i>Quantum + suff.</i>'"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" + id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/199.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/199.png" + alt="'AFTER YOU!'" /></a> + + <h3>"AFTER YOU!"</h3>"HE BELIEVED THAT EVERYONE OF THEM + WOULD PREFER THAT SOMEONE ELSE SHOULD HOLD THAT HIGH AND + HONOURABLE OFFICE."—SIR MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH <i>at + Stockton-on-Tees</i>. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" + id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/201.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/201.png" + alt="WATER V. WINE." /></a> + + <h3>WATER V. WINE.</h3>"HOLD! ENOUGH!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HARRYING OUR HAKIMS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[A medical journal suggests that all candidates for + Medical Degrees should be required to give proof of good + handwriting, in order to put an end to indistinct + prescriptions.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A few additional requirements, we believe, have been under + consideration, of which the following are a sample:—</p> + + <p>All candidates for the M.B. Degree to be able to count up to + fifty. Candidates who are more than fifty not to count.</p> + + <p>Nobody to become a Member of the Royal College of Surgeons + until he has mastered Simple Addition and Compound + Fractures.</p> + + <p>Members of the Royal College of Physicians will henceforth + be expected to know their Weights (with boots off) and Measures + (round the waist). Troy weight only. "Scruples" not allowed. + Good knowledge of Multiplication Table indispensable for + dispensers.</p> + + <p>No candidate to be accepted for a Degree unless he either + has a good "bedside manner," or undertakes to develop one as + soon as possible.</p> + + <p>Any candidate to be at once ploughed unless he can answer + all the following questions:—</p> + + <p>1. What would you do if asked to hold a consultation with a + practitioner whom you have every reason to suppose an incapable + quack?</p> + + <p>2. If a good paying patient, suffering from no ailment + whatever, called you in with a view to getting a week's holiday + at the seaside by medical orders, how would you reconcile a + desire to oblige that pardonable weakness with a strict regard + for veracity?</p> + + <p>3. When the parents of a large family, who do their duty + manfully by calling you in about twice a week, and from whom + therefore you derive a not inconsiderable proportion of your + income, object to have an infant vaccinated at the proper time, + because they erroneously consider it to be unfit for the + operation, which would you feel inclined to + strain—friendship, or the law?</p> + + <p>4. Do you believe in Influenza?</p> + + <p>5. Have you ever seen a Microbe?</p> + + <p>6. "In the multitude of visits there is safety." Comment on + this declaration. How many visits do you think a common catarrh + will support? Give reasons.</p> + + <p>7. What is the etiquette about Red Lamps?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"HORSE AND 'RYDER'".—Last week, on the 15th, as was + reported in the <i>Globe</i>, and elsewhere, "a humble + crossing-sweeper," named RYDER, stopped a runaway cab-horse (a + great rarity this, too) just as he was about to descend + headlong the steps of the Duke of York's column, and so saved + the two passengers, who, we hope, in consideration of what he + has done for <i>their</i> lives, have settled something hansom + upon him for <i>his</i> life. If not, the proposition is here + made, and after the prop comes the RYDER.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>GHOSTLY COUNSEL.—Prizes are being offered for "Good + Ghost Stories." This may mean <i>Stories of Good Ghosts</i>; + but supplying the hyphen and supposing that the requirement is + for "Good Ghost-stories," then <i>Mr. Punch</i> makes a present + of a good title to any sanguine amateur who may compete. Let + him call his story, "A Ghost of a Chance." And <i>Mr. Punch</i> + wishes he may get it!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PENNY FOOLISH.—Somebody has published a penny <i>A B C + of Theosophy</i>. To the appeal of this Occult A B C the + enlightened public will probably be D E F.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"QUI DORT, DÃŽNE," ET "QUI DÃŽNE, DORT."—A man who "goes + nap" <i>at</i> dinner, is pretty safe to go nap immediately + <i>after</i> it.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>From Mr. Punch's Own Humourists.</i>)</h4> + + <p>It is not generally known that the Emperor of RUSSIA visited + London the other day on his way to Paris, where he is to hold + an important secret conference with the President of the + Republic and M. BLOWITZ. His Imperial Majesty's disguise was + complete, consisting as it did of an aquiline nose of + considerable size, and a secondhand gaberdine of primitive cut. + He visited the principal Music Halls of the Metropolis and left + by the last train for Surbiton, where his private yacht was in + waiting to convey him to Marseilles, and so on to Paris by the + new French canal system.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Monaco has adhered to the Triple Alliance. The negotiations + thus brought to a successful issue, have been for a long time + in progress. Obligations of honour, which no longer exist, have + hitherto compelled me, as your Correspondent, to keep secret + the fact that amongst the <i>croupiers</i> of the + <i>trente-et-quarante</i> tables at the Casino for the past + three months have been the Chancellors of the German and + Austrian Empires, and the MARCHESE DI RUDINI, who, thus + disguised, carried out their delicate mission to the Court of + Monaco. By this post I send you the draft treaty by which + Monaco engages, in the event of war, to furnish a completely + equipped contingent of ten men.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The BARON DE BOOK-WORMS arrived in town yesterday afternoon + and transacted business at his office in Bouverie Street, + afterwards returning to his country seat at + Stow-in-the-Wold.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>BROWNING SOCIETY VERSES.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Dr. FURNIVALL announces that the Browning Society is + about to be dissolved.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hark! 'tis the knell of the Browning Society,</p> + + <p class="i2">Wind-bags are bursting all round us + to-day;</p> + + <p>FURNIVALL fails, and for want of his diet he</p> + + <p class="i2">Pines like a love-stricken maiden + away.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long has he fed upon cackle and platitude,</p> + + <p class="i2">FURNIVALL sauce to a dish full of + dearth,</p> + + <p>Still, in the favourite FURNIVALL attitude,</p> + + <p class="i2">Grubbing about like a mole in the + earth.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now must he vanish, the mole-hills are flat + again,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Follies grow fewer it seems by + degrees);</p> + + <p>Lovers of BROWNING may laugh and grow fat again,</p> + + <p class="i2">Rid of the jargon of Furnivallese.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW AND OLD TERMS.—"Slate, Slite, Slote, Slitten," is + the title of an amusing article in the <i>Saturday Review</i>, + on the derivation of the verb "to slate." How "slote" comes in + is not quite evident, but that when the pages of a dull book + are "slitten" by the paper-knife, it will be read and slated by + a critic, and then "slited" (or "slighted") by the public, is + quite sufficient without "putting a penny in the 'slote'" on + the chance of getting something better.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SO LIKE HIM!—Tuesday last week was the seventieth + birthday of Professor VIRCHOW. He has refused all titles and + emoluments, observing that "VIRCHOW is its own reward."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VERY POP-ULAR!—Through the <i>Times</i> came the + information that, since the famine, the Russian Officers have + given up drinking champagne. Their conduct is really quite + Magnuminous!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" + id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/202.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/202.png" + alt="'GRANDOLPH AD LEONES.'" /></a> + + <h3>"GRANDOLPH AD LEONES."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" + id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span> + + <h2>"ADSCRIPTUS GLEBÆ."</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["He (Mr. GOSCHEN) was in favour of giving the + agricultural labourer every opportunity of becoming more + attached to the soil."—<i>Mr. Goschen at + Cambridge</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Attached to the soil! Pretty optimist phrase</p> + + <p>We are so, and have been, from <i>Gurth's</i> + simpler days,</p> + + <p>Though now platform flowers of speech—pleasant + joke!—</p> + + <p>May wreath the serf's ring till men scarce see the + yoke.</p> + + <p>Attached to the soil! The soil clings to our + souls!</p> + + <p>Young labour's scant guerdon, cold charity's + doles,</p> + + <p>The crow-scarer's pittance, the poor-house's aid</p> + + <p>All smell of it! Tramping with boots thickly + clayed</p> + + <p>From brown field or furrow, or lowered at last</p> + + <p>In our special six-feet by the sexton up-cast,</p> + + <p>We smack of the earth, till we earthy have + grown,</p> + + <p>Like the mound that Death gives us—best + friend—for our own.</p> + + <p>We tramp it, we delve it, we plough it, this + soil,</p> + + <p>And a grave is the final reward of our toil.</p> + + <p>Attached? The attachment of love is one thing,</p> + + <p>The attachment of profit another. <i>Gurth's</i> + ring</p> + + <p>Is <i>our</i> form of attachment at bottom, Sir, + still,</p> + + <p>And to favour <i>that</i> bond HODGE doubts not your + good will.</p> + + <p>But when others talk of improving our lot</p> + + <p>By possession of more than a burial plot,</p> + + <p>By pay for our toil, and by balm for our + troubles,</p> + + <p>You ban all such prospects as "radiant bubbles."</p> + + <p>Declare "under-currents of plunder" run through</p> + + <p>All plans for our aid save those favoured by + you,</p> + + <p>Attached to the soil! Ah! how many approve</p> + + <p><i>That</i> attachment, when founded on labour and + love!</p> + + <p>But about "confiscation" they chatter and fuss</p> + + <p>At all talk of attaching the soil to poor us!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>FREE AND INDEPENDENT.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Manager's Room of the Ideal Theatre. + Present—Committee of Taste.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/203-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/203-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. Now, you fellows, I think we have settled + what to do next. Carry out the notion of an afternoon + performance of the Ideal Drama. We have got the moderate + guarantee, and the good stock company, and hope to receive the + cooperation of the leading artists from other theatres. Isn't + that so?</p> + + <p><i>Auditor</i>. Yes, I can answer for the moderate + guarantee—about £20—in the bank.</p> + + <p><i>Stage Manager</i>. And the good stock company was + imported early this morning from Ireland. All very good + Shakspearian actors with a taste of a brogue to give their + remarks pungency.</p> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. That's all right. And what is the play?</p> + + <p><i>First Member of the Committee of Taste</i>. + "<i>Demons</i>," by the Master.</p> + + <p><i>Second Ditto</i>. No, let us have something newer. Why + not an adaptation (by myself) of that charming work by + SODALA—I call it <i>Blood and Thunder</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Manager</i> (<i>producing halfpenny</i>). By the rules of + the Company we toss for it. (<i>Throws up coin.</i>) + Heads!—<i>Blood and Thunder</i> wins. We will do <i>Blood + and Thunder</i>. Well, now as to casting it. Anything for + IRVING in it?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> Oh, yes—if he would play it. A + Policeman who dies by cutting his throat in Scene 1. Not the + sort of part he usually selects, but capital.</p> + + <p><i>First Mem.</i> It is not for Mr. IRVING to pick and + choose, it is the cause of Art we serve.</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> Well, yes. We might telephone and learn + his views on the subject.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Subordinate <i>takes instructions</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. All right! Ah, here we have the piece! + Rather long, but the parts seem mild enough. Who's to do this + soldier—a sort of heavy dragoon, with a cold, who dies in + the First Scene of the Second Act?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> Oh, anybody! KENDAL or FARREN; or if they + can't, then HARE or LIONEL BROUGH.</p> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. But do you think they will like it? You see + they each have their line, and—</p> + + <p><i>First Mem.</i> In the cause of Art they will be prepared + to do anything. At least, they ought to be.</p> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. Well, we will telephone to them too. + (Subordinate <i>takes further instructions</i>.) And now, how + about the Ladies?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> Oh, there are a lot of school-girls, and + a woman who dies by degrees of general paralysis. The girls, of + course will be all right with—say, Miss EMERY, Miss + LINDEN, Miss ALMA MURRAY, and Mrs. KENDAL. But we want two + people to play the woman. First Act, Miss ELLEN TERRY; second + and third, Miss GENEVIEVE WARD. To be properly played, both + should be in it.</p> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. But how will that do? I do not think that + Miss TERRY will care to—</p> + + <p><i>First Mem.</i> Nonsense! She is a most charming person, + and will do anything in the cause of Art.</p> + + <p><i>Subordinate</i> (<i>returning from telephone</i>). Beg + pardon, Gentlemen, but Messrs. KENDAL, FARREN, BROUGH and HARE + say they are very sorry, but they are not at home; and Mr. + IRVING presents his compliments, and would be delighted to do + what we wish, but he fears he will be otherwise engaged. + However, he says you have his sympathy, and his heart goes out + to you. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. Well, what shall we do?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> Oh, there's VEZIN, and TERRIS, and + PAULTON, and a heap more!</p> + + <p><i>Subordinate</i> (<i>returning</i>). Just heard from the + Ladies, Gentlemen, and they send their kindest regards, but + they are out too!</p> + + <p><i>Acting Manager</i> (<i>entering</i>). Well, how about the + performance?</p> + + <p><i>Members of the Council</i> (<i>together</i>). Oh, it's + nearly arranged!</p> + + <p><i>Acting Man.</i> Well, if I might suggest, as a person of + considerable experience, it doesn't matter a jot whether you + get a company together or not.</p> + + <p><i>Members</i> (<i>as before</i>). Why?</p> + + <p><i>Acting Man.</i> Because you won't get an audience!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon farther consultation.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/203-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/203-2.png" + alt="MODEST AMBITION." /></a> + + <h3>MODEST AMBITION.</h3> + + <p><i>The Squire</i> (<i>to his Eldest Son, just home from + the 'Varsity</i>). "WELL, MY BOY, AND WHAT HAVE YOU SETTLED + TO BE?"</p> + + <p><i>The Squire's Son</i>. "JUST A <i>PLAIN COUNTRY + GENTLEMAN</i> LIKE YOU, FATHER!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Theosophic Tools.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By an Opponent of Occultism.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Theosophic Boom, its wordy strife</p> + + <p class="i2">And futile fuss are fading out in + "fizzle."</p> + + <p>They talk a deal about their "<i>planes</i> of + life,"</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis plain to me the fitter term were + "chisel."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page204" + id="page204"></a>[pg 204]</span> + + <h2>POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG:</h2> + + <h3>OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS.</h3> + + <p>"A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse," says the old + saw, and a wink is no doubt as good as a smile to a purblind + ass. But the wink is indeed one of the worst uses to which the + human eye can he put. It signifies usually the vulgarisation of + humour, and the degradation of mirth. It is the favourite + eye-language of the cynical cad, the coarse jester, the + crapulous clown, and—above all—the chuckling + cheat.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/204.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/204.png" + alt="The Muse of the Music Hall." /></a> + </div> + + <p>It must be admitted, that the Muse of the Music + Hall—in her Momus mood—has a strong leaning towards + the glorification of cynical 'cuteness of the <i>Autolycus</i> + sort. It is a weakness which she seems to share with party + scribes and Colonial politicians. If she had any classic + leanings, which she has not, her favourite deity would be + Mercury, the "winking Cyllenian Argophont" of the Homeric Hymn, + the "little cradled rogue," the Apollo-cheating babe, "the lord + of those who swindle, house-break, sheep-steal and shop-lift," + under whom <i>Autolycus</i> prided himself upon having been + "littered." <i>Autolycus's</i> complacent self-gratulation, + "How bless'd are we that are not simple men!" would appeal to + the heart of the Music-hall votary. "Ha, ha! what a fool + Honesty is! and Trust his sworn brother, a very simple + gentleman" is, virtually, the burthen of dozens of the most + favourite of the Music-hall ditties.</p> + + <p>Sly-scheming Hermes "winked" knowingly at Jupiter when he + was "pitching his yarn" about the stolen oxen, and Jupiter + "according to his wont,"</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Laughed heartily to hear the subtle witted</p> + + <p>Infant give such a plausible account,</p> + + <p>And every word a lie."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>So the Music-hall Muse "winks" knowingly, and knavishly, at + her audience, and her audience "laugh heartily," in Jovian + guffaws, at her winks. What wonder then that she should + lyrically apostrophise "The Wink" in laudatory numbers?</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Say, boys, now is it quite the thing?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>she cries in sham deprecation, but all the while she "winks + the other eye" in a way her hearers quite understand. "Cabby + knows his fare," and the Music-hall Muse knows her clients. + What, we wonder, would be her reception did she really carry + out her ironically pretended protest and sing to the chuckling + cads who applaud her, the following version of her favourite + lay?</p> + + <h3>No. II.—THE WINK OF ROGUERY'S EYE.</h3> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>Wink the Other Eye</i>."</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Say, boys, whatever do men mean</p> + + <p>When they wink the other eye?</p> + + <p>Why, when "sharps" say the world is "green,"</p> + + <p>Do they wink the other eye?</p> + + <p>The Radicals and Tories both tell stories, not a + few,</p> + + <p>About Measures falsely promised, and reforms long + overdue;</p> + + <p>And when the simple Mob believes that every word is + true.</p> + + <p>Then they—wink the other eye!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.—Say, boys, now is it + quite the thing!</p> + + <p class="i6">Say, should we let them have their + fling?</p> + + <p class="i6">Ah, when they get us "on a string"</p> + + <p class="i6">Then they wink the other eye!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Say, boys are Leaders to be loved,</p> + + <p>When they wink the other eye?</p> + + <p>By artful speech the Mob is moved,</p> + + <p>Till <i>it</i> winks the other eye;</p> + + <p>The optic Wink's the language of the sly and sordid + soul,</p> + + <p>The mute freemasonry of Fraud, sign-post to + Roguery's goal.</p> + + <p>When Circe sees her votaries swine ready in sludge + to roll</p> + + <p>Then <i>she</i> winks the other eye!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.—Say, boys, <i>is</i> + it so fine a thing,</p> + + <p class="i6">Low Cunning, which Cheat's laureates + sing,</p> + + <p class="i6">The Comus of the Mart and Ring,</p> + + <p class="i6">Who—winks the other eye?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Say, boys, is Cunning's promise good,</p> + + <p>When she winks the other eye?</p> + + <p>Noodledom seeks her neighbourhood,</p> + + <p>And winks <i>its</i> other eye.</p> + + <p>For no one winks so freely as a fool who + <i>thinks</i> he's sly;</p> + + <p>The dupe of deeper knavery smirks in shallow + mimicry</p> + + <p>Of the smirking JERRY DIDDLER who is sucking him so + dry,</p> + + <p>And who winks the other eye.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.—Say, boys, now is + the Wink a thing</p> + + <p class="i6">Worthy of worship; will you fling</p> + + <p class="i6">Your caps in air for the Knave-King</p> + + <p class="i6">Who—winks the other eye?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Politician plucks his geese,</p> + + <p>Then he winks the other eye.</p> + + <p>Brazen Fraud steals Trade's Golden Fleece,</p> + + <p>Then he winks the other eye.</p> + + <p><i>Autolycus</i> pipes ballads; public pockets are + his aim;</p> + + <p><i>Rabagas</i> raves of "liberty"; advancement is + his game;</p> + + <p>And when their dupes aren't looking all these rogues + do just the same,</p> + + <p>They—wink the other eye!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.—Say, boys, pæans + will you sing</p> + + <p class="i6">To winking harpies all a-wing</p> + + <p class="i6">To prey on fools; who steal, and + sting,</p> + + <p class="i6">And—wink the other eye?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wisdom may smile, but Cunning can't,</p> + + <p>She winks the other eye.</p> + + <p>Humour shall chortle, Mockery shan't,</p> + + <p>She winks the other eye.</p> + + <p>The stars above us twinkle and the dews beneath us + blink,</p> + + <p>All the eyes of Nature sparkle, and from merriment + do not shrink,</p> + + <p>The Language of the Eye of Cynic Knavery + is—the Wink!</p> + + <p><i>Roguery</i> "winks the other eye!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.—Say, boys, is it + quite the thing?</p> + + <p class="i6">"Ducdà me"<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> + to fools the Diddlers sing;</p> + + <p class="i6">Trust me 'tis Rascals in a Ring</p> + + <p class="i6">Who wink the other eye!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Amiens</i>. What's that "ducdà me"?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Jaques</i>. 'Tis a Greek invocation to call + fools into a circle.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">"<i>As You Like It</i>," <i>Act II., Sc. + 5.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE EVOLUTION OF TOMMY'S PRIVATE-SCHOOL REPORT.</h2> + + <p>1. <i>A rough draught, written by the under-master, who + certainly has had rather a trying week with</i> TOMMY.</p> + + <p>"I am unable to speak highly of either his intelligence or + his industry; but occasionally he works well, and has + undoubtedly made some progress this term. His conduct is not + always good."</p> + + <p>2. <i>Second rough draught</i>; TOMMY <i>in the meantime has + missed a repetition and accidentally knocked down the + black-board.</i></p> + + <p>"Exceptionally stupid and idle. Cannot be said to have made + any progress whatever this term, although he has had every + effort made with him. His conduct is abominable, noisy and + unruly in the extreme."</p> + + <p>3. <i>Fair copy to be submitted to the principal; of + course</i>, TOMMY <i>had not intended to be overheard when he + spoke of the under-master as</i> "<i>Old Pig-face</i>," <i>but + this is the result.</i></p> + + <p>"A more idle and utterly worthless boy it has never been my + misfortune to teach. Seems to have gone steadily backward all + the term. Is most objectionable in his manners, and has no + sense of honour."</p> + + <p>4. <i>Fair copy, as amended by the principal; how was</i> + TOMMY <i>to know that stone would break the conservatory + window, and drive the principal to alter the report to + this?</i></p> + + <p>"Would be better suited in a reformatory than in a school of + this standing. Utterly depraved, vicious and idle, with marked + criminal instincts. In intellect verges on the imbecile. Unless + there is a marked improvement next term, I cannot keep + him."</p> + + <p>5. <i>Principal's final copy; it</i> was <i>fortunate + that</i> TOMMY <i>happened to remark that he had four cousins + who were, perhaps, coming next term. One can't lose four + pupils, even if it makes it necessary to write like + this.</i></p> + + <p>"A singularly bright and high-spirited boy; a little given + to mischief, as all boys are, but quite amenable to discipline. + My assistant speaks most highly of his progress this term, and + of his general intelligence. He seems well suited by our + system. His conduct is, on the whole, admirable. He is truthful + and conscientious."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>COUPLET BY A CYNIC.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Poetry does not sell!" cry plaintive pleaders.</p> + + <p>Alas! most modern Poetry <i>does</i>—its + readers!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14057 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14057-h/images/193-1.png b/14057-h/images/193-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e189010 --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/193-1.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/193-2.png b/14057-h/images/193-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..08d1edd --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/193-2.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/193-3.png b/14057-h/images/193-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e6f3fe --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/193-3.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/194.png b/14057-h/images/194.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..da48f95 --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/194.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/195-1.png b/14057-h/images/195-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..018799a --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/195-1.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/195-2.png b/14057-h/images/195-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8cb01cd --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/195-2.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/196.png b/14057-h/images/196.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..491cecd --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/196.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/197-1.png b/14057-h/images/197-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8ca35b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/197-1.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/197-2.png b/14057-h/images/197-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..71cb61e --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/197-2.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/197-3.png b/14057-h/images/197-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5458296 --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/197-3.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/198.png b/14057-h/images/198.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..45a2e6f --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/198.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/199.png b/14057-h/images/199.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f8388b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/199.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/201.png b/14057-h/images/201.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..26c17f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/201.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/202.png b/14057-h/images/202.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e1a14b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/202.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/203-1.png b/14057-h/images/203-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5ae4643 --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/203-1.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/203-2.png b/14057-h/images/203-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4407aa3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/203-2.png diff --git a/14057-h/images/204.png b/14057-h/images/204.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7d0e70b --- /dev/null +++ b/14057-h/images/204.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ae1ef05 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14057 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14057) diff --git a/old/14057-8.txt b/old/14057-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..93c4090 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14057-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1746 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. +October 24, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. October 24, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 15, 2004 [EBook #14057] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +October 24, 1891. + + + + +LAISSEZ FAIRE. + +(_INSCRIPTION FOR A FREE PUBLIC LIBRARY._) + +[Illustration] + + Here is an Institution doomed to scare + The furious devotees of _Laissez Faire_. + What mental shock, indeed, could prove immenser + To Mumbo Jumbo--or to HERBERT SPENCER? + Free Books? Reading provided from the Rates? + Oh, that means Freedom's ruin, and the State's! + Self-help's all right,--e'en if you rob a brother-- + But human creatures must _not_ help each other! + The "Self-made Man," whom SAMUEL SMILES so praises, + Who on his fellows' necks his footing raises, + The systematic "Sweater," who sucks wealth + From toiling crowds by cunning and by stealth,-- + _He_ is all right, _he_ has no maudlin twist, + _He_ does not shock the Individualist! + But rate yourselves to give the poor free reading? + The Pelican to warm her nestlings bleeding, + Was no such monument of feeble folly. + _Let folks alone_, and all will then be jolly. + Let the poor perish, let the ignorant sink, + The tempted tumble, and the drunkard drink! + Let--no, _don't_ let the low-born robber rob, + Because,--well, that would rather spoil the job. + If footpad-freedom brooked no interference, + Of Capital there might be a great clearance; + But, Wealth well-guarded, let all else alone. + 'Tis thus our race hath to true manhood grown: + To make the general good the common care, + Breaks through the sacred law of _Laissez Faire_! + + * * * * * + +A REMONSTRANCE. + +_TO LUKE'S LITTLE SUMMER._ + +[Illustration] + + Ah, Summer! now thy wayward race is run, + With soft, appeasing smiles thou com'st, like one + Who keeps a pageant waiting all the day, + Till half the guests and all the joy is gone, + And hearts are heavy that awoke so gay. + + What though the faithful trees, still gladly green, + Show fretted depths of blue their boughs between, + Though placid sunlight sleeps upon the lawn, + It only tells us of what might have been + Of fickle favours wantonly withdrawn. + + Blown with rude winds, and beaten down with rain, + How can the roses dare to trust again + The tricksy mistress whom they once adored? + Even the glad heaven, chilled with stormy stain, + Grudges its skylark pilgrims of its hoard. + + Poor is the vintage that the wild bee quiffs, + When the tall simple lilies--the giraffes + That browse on loftier air than other flowers-- + When all the blooms, wherewith late Summer laughs, + Like chidden children droop among the bowers. + + Oft like a moorhen scuttling to the reeds, + The cricket-ball sped o'er the plashy meads, + And rainbow-blended blazers shrank and ran + When showers, in mockery of his moist needs, + Half-drown'd the water-loving river man. + + What woman's rights have crazed thee? + Would'st thou be + A Winter Amazon, more fierce than he? + Can Summer birds thy shrew-heroics sing? + Wilt tend no more the daisies on the lea, + Nor wake thy cowslips up on May morning? + + What, shall we brew us possets by the fire + And let the wild rose shiver on the brier. + The cowslip tremble in the meadows chill, + While thy unlovely battle-call wails higher + And dusty squadrons charge adown the hill? + + It is too late; thou art no love of mine; + I answer not this sigh, this kiss divine; + The sunlight penitently streaming down + Shines through the paling leaf like thinnest wine + Quaff'd in the clear air of a mountain town. + + Farewell! For old love's sake I kiss thy hands; + Go on thy way; away to other lands + That love thee less, and need thee less than we; + Pour out thy passion on some desert sands, + Forget thy lover of the Northern Sea. + + Away with fond pretence; let winter come + With snow that strikes the heaviest footfall dumb. + We know the worst, and face his rage with glee; + And, though the world without be ne'er so glum, + Sit by the hearth, and dream and talk--of thee. + + Yes, come again with earliest April; stay, + Thyself once more, through the fair time when day + Clasps hand with day, through the brief hush of night-- + A twilight bower of roses, where in play + Dance little maidens through from light to light. + + * * * * * + +BIRDS OF A FEATHER. + + [Lord HAWKE's team of Cricketers were beaten at Manheim by + the Philadelphians by eight wickets whereat the _Philadelphia + Ledger_ cockadoodles considerably. The Britishers, however, + won the return match somewhat easily.] + + The Yankee Eagle well might squeal and squawk + At having licked the British bird (Lord) HAWKE. + But when that HAWKE his brood had "pulled together," + That Eagle found it yet might "moult a feather." + Go it, ye friendly-fighting fowls! But know + 'Tis only "Roosters" who o'er conquest _crow_! + + * * * * * + +HOME SWEET HOME! + +(_BY ONE WHO BELIEVES THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE IT._) + +[Illustration] + + Sweet to return (for home the Briton hankers, + After an exile of two months or so, + Swiss or Italian). Sweet--to find your Banker's + Balance getting low. + + Sweet to return from Como or Sorrento. + Meshed in their shimmering net of drowsy sheen, + Into a climate that you know not when to + Really call serene. + + Sweet to return from hostelries whose waiters + Rush to fulfil your slightest word or whim, + Back to a cook who passionately caters + Not for you, but _him_. + + Sweet to return from _Table-d'Hôtes_ disgusting + (Oh, how you grumbled at the _Sauce Romaine_!) + Fresh to the filmy succulence incrusting + Solid joints again. + + Sweet to return from Innkeepers demurely + Pricing your candle at a franc unshamed, + Back to a land where perquisites are surely + Never, never claimed. + + Sweet to return from bargaining, disputing, + _Pourboires_ and _Trinkgelds_ grudgingly bestowed-- + Unto the simple charioteers of Tooting, + Or the Cromwell Road. + + Sweet to return from "all those dreadful tourists," + Such mixed society as chance allots, + E'en to the social splendour of the purists + Of those sparkling spots. + + Sweet to return to bills and fogs and duty! + (Some of the latter at our Custom House) + Sweet, after smaller game, to hail the beauty + Of the British mouse! + + Sweet too the sight of cockchafer; and sweet'll + Welcome the pilgrim, doomed too long to roam, + England's tried sentinel, the black, black beetle + With his "Home, sweet Home!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LONDON'S DILEMMA; OR, "FAIR ROSAMOND" UP TO DATE. + +(_Lately-discovered Fragments of a valuable and interesting "Variant" +of the old Ballad Story._)] + + * * * * * + + When as VICTORIA rulde this land, + The firste of that greate name, + Faire Loundonne, of the cockneyes lovde, + Attaynd to power and fame. + + Most peerlesse was her splendoure founde, + Her favour, and her face; + Yet was there one thing marred her weale, + And wroughte her dire disgrace. + + Her dower was all that showered golde, + Like Danaë's, could her lende, + Yet dwelt she in the ogreish holde + Of fell and fearsome fiende. + + Yea Loundonne Towne, faire Loundonne Towne, + Her name was calléd so, + To whom the Witch Monopolie + Was known a deadlye foe. + + * * * * * + + Now when ye Countie Councile woke, + And FARRER rose to fame, + With envious heart Monopolie + To Loundonne straightway came. + + "Cast off from thee those schemes," said she, + "That greate and costlye bee, + And drinke thou up this deadlye cup, + Which I have brought to thee!" + + "Take pitty on my awkward plight!" + Faire Loundonne she dyd crye, + "And lett me not with poison stronge + Enforcéd be to dye!" + + Then out and laught that wicked Witch: + "If that you will not drinke, + This dagger choose! Though you be riche, + You'll shrinke from _that_, I thinke." + + The dagger was a magic blayde, + With figures graven o'er, + Which, as you gazed thereon, did seeme + To growe to more and more. + + "Nay," quothe faire Loundonne, "'tis but choyce + 'Twixt dyvill and deepe sea! + I praye thee take thyself awaye, + And leave the jobbe to me!" + + But nothynge could this grasping Witch + Therewith appeaséd be. + The cup of deadlye poison stronge, + As she knelt on her knee, + + She gave this comely dame to drinke, + Who tooke it in her hande, + Then from her bended knees arose, + And on her feet did stande. + + And casting Council-wards her eyes, + She did for rescue call, + When--[_Fragmentes further may be founde,_ + _At presente thys is alle!_ + + _If close researche, as welle we hope,_ + _Perchaunce complete ye texte,_ + _This ballade, as scribes saye, shall be_ + _"Continued in our next!"_] + + * * * * * + +ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. + +[Illustration] + +Wanted, a few good extra Judges, who will be prepared to do all the +work at present delayed or neglected by the existing members of the +Bench. They will be expected to dispense with all vacations except a +week at Christmas, five days at Easter, and a fortnight from the first +to the fifteenth of October. They will devote their entire time to the +service of the State, both day and night. Their day will be devoted to +business in the High Court of Justice in the Strand, and when required +they will go Circuit (by special express) sitting at the various +assizes from 9 P.M. until 3 A.M., returning to London by trains timed +to reach the Metropolis sufficiently early to allow of the usual +morning sitting. They will be further required to consider their +leisure (if any) entirely at the disposal of those members of the +Bar and Solicitors who require it. If they do this punctually and +diligently, without knocking up, they will be permitted to draw +salaries computed at the rate of about one-third of the emoluments +received by a third-rate Queen's Counsel; and if they grow lazy, or +are incapacitated by illness, they will be rewarded by a number of +personal attacks in the London newspapers. Applications to be sent +to the Lord Chancellor (endorsed "Extra Judges to suppress outside +clamour") as early as possible. Every candidate for an appointment +will be expected to be as strong as a horse, and as insensible to +feeling as the back of a rhinoceros. + + * * * * * + +Big Drinkers, Moderate Drinkers, and Little Drinkers--this is the +Tipple Alliance! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 3. + +WHEN HIS DENTIST _WILL_ SUSPEND OPERATIONS TO TELL HIM FUNNY STORIES.] + + * * * * * + +GILBERT À BECKETT. + +BORN, APRIL 7, 1837. DIED, OCT. 15, 1891. + + "Wearing the white flower of a blameless life." + +TENNYSON. + + GILBERT the Good! Title, though high, well earned + By him through whose rare nature brightly burned + The fire of purity, + Undimmed, unflickering, like some altar flame + Sky-pointing ever. Friend, what thought of blame + Hath coldest heart for thee? + + A knightly-priest or priestly-knight wert thou, + Man of the radiant eye and reverent brow; + Chivalry closely knit + With fervent faith in thee indeed were blent; + Thought upon high ideals still intent, + And a most lambent wit. + + Serene, though with a power of scathing scorn + For all things mean or base. Sorrow long borne, + Though bowing, soured not thee. + Bereaved, health-broken, still that patient smile + Wreathed the pale lips which never greed or guile + Shaped to hypocrisy. + + A saintly-hearted wit, a satirist pure, + Mover of mirth spontaneous as sure, + And innocent as mad; + Incongruous freak and frolic phantasy + Were thy familiar spirits, quickening glee + And wakening laughter glad. + + Dainty as _Ariel_, yet as _Puck_ profuse + Of the "preposterous," was that wit, whose use + Was ever held "within + The limits of becoming mirth." His whim + Never shy delicacy's glance could dim, + Or move the cynic grin. + + But that fate's hampering hand lay on him long + He might have won in drama and in song + A more enduring name. + But he is gone, the gentle, loyal, just, + Whence all these things fall earthward with the dust + Of fleeting earthly fame. + + Gone from our hoard, gone from the home he loved! + With what compassion are his comrades moved + For those who sit alone + With memories of him! Gracious memories all! + A thought to lighten, like that flower, his pall, + And hush love's troubled moan. + + Farewell, fine spirit! To be owned thy friend + Was something to illume the unwelcome end + Of comradeship below. + A loving memory long our board will grace, + In fancy, with that sweet ascetic face. + That brow's benignant glow. + + * * * * * + +RHYME AT RHYL. + +(_BY A LISTENING LAYMAN._) + + If Cleric Congresses could only care + A little less for the mere Church and Steeple, + Parochial pomp and power in lion's share, + And have one aim--to purify the People, + They need not shrink from Disestablishment, + Or any other secular enormity; + Unselfish love of Man destroys Dissent, + True Charity provokes no Nonconformity. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XI. + + SCENE--_A Balcony outside the Musik-Saal of the Insel Hotel, + Constance. Miss PRENDERGAST is seated; CULCHARD is leaning + against the railing close by. It is about nine; the moon has + risen, big and yellow, behind the mountains at the further + end of the lake; small black boats are shooting in and out of + her track upon the water; the beat of the steamers' paddles + is heard as they come into harbour. CULCHARD has just + proposed._ + +_Miss Prendergast_ (_after a silence_). I have always felt very +strongly with RUSKIN, that no girl should have the cruelty to refuse a +proposal-- + +_Culchard_ (_with alacrity_). RUSKIN is always so right. +And--er--where there is such complete sympathy in tastes and ideas, as +I venture to think exists in our own case, the cruelty would-- + +[Illustration: "It does seem rather rough on fellows, don't you +know."] + +_Miss P._ Pray allow me to finish! "Refuse a proposal _at once_" is +RUSKIN's expression. He also says (if my memory does not betray me), +that "no lover should have the insolence to think of being accepted at +once." You will find the passage somewhere in "_Fors_." + +_Culch._ (_whose jaw has visibly fallen_). I cannot say I recall it +at this moment. Does he hold that a lover should expect to be accepted +by--er--instalments, because, if so-- + +_Miss P._ I think I can quote his exact words. "If she simply doesn't +like him, she may send him away for seven years--" + +_Culch._ (_stiffly_). No doubt that course is open to her. But why +seven, and where is he expected to go? + +_Miss P._ (_continuing calmly_). "He vowing to live on cresses and +wear sackcloth meanwhile, or the like penance." + +_Culch._ I feel bound to state at once that, in my own case, my +position at Somerset House would render anything of that sort utterly +impracticable. + +_Miss P._ Wait, please,--you are so impetuous. "If she likes him a +little,"--(_CULCHARD's brow relaxes_)--"or thinks she might come to +like him in time, she may let him stay near her,"--(_CULCHARD makes +a movement of relief and gratitude_)--"putting him always on sharp +trial, and requiring, figuratively, as many lion-skins or giants' +heads as she thinks herself worth." + +_Culch._ (_grimly_). "Figuratively" is a distinct concession on +RUSKIN's part. Still, I should be glad to know-- + +_Miss P._ If you will have a little more patience, I will make myself +clear. I have always determined that when the--ah--occasion presented +itself, I would deal with it on Ruskinian principles. I propose in +your case--presuming of course that you are willing to be under vow +for me--to adopt a middle course. + +_Culch._ You are extremely good. And what precise form of--er--penance +did you think of? + +_Miss P._ The trial I impose is, that you leave Constance +to-morrow--with Mr. PODBURY. + +_Culch._ (_firmly_). If you expect me to travel for seven years with +him, permit me to mention that I simply cannot do it. My leave expires +in three weeks. + +_Miss P._ I mentioned no term, I believe. Long before three weeks +are over we shall meet again, and I shall be able to see how you +have borne the test. I wish you to correct, if possible, a certain +intolerance in your attitude towards Mr. PODBURY. Do you accept this +probation, or not? + +_Culch._ I--ah--suppose I have no choice. But you really must allow me +to say that it is _not_ precisely the reception I anticipated. Still, +in your service, I am willing to endure even PODBURY--for a strictly +limited period; that I _do_ stipulate for. + +_Miss P._ That, as I have already said, is quite understood. Now go +and arrange with Mr. PODBURY. + +_Culch._ (_to himself, as he retires_). It is _most_ unsatisfactory; +but at least PODBURY is disposed of! + + _The same Scene, a quarter of an hour later. PODBURY and + Miss PRENDERGAST._ + +_Podbury_ (_with a very long face_). No, I _say_, though! RUSKIN +doesn't say all that? + +_Miss P._ I am not in the habit of misquoting. If you wish to verify +the quotation, however, I daresay I could find you the reference in +_Fors Clavigera_. + +_Podb._ (_ruefully_). Thanks--I won't trouble you. Only it does seem +rather rough on fellows, don't you know. If everyone went on his +plan--well, there wouldn't be many marriages! Still, I never thought +you'd say "Yes" right off. It's like my cheek, I know, to ask you at +all; you're so awfully clever and that. And if there's a chance for +me, I'm game for anything in the way of a trial. Don't make it stiffer +than you can help, that's all! + +_Miss P._ All I ask of you is to leave me for a short time, and go and +travel with Mr. CULCHARD again. + +_Podb._ Oh, I say, Miss PRENDERGAST, you know. Make it something else. +_Do!_ + +_Miss P._ That is the task I require, and I can accept no other. It is +nothing, after all, but what you came out here to do. + +_Podb._ I didn't know him _then_, you see. And what made me agree +to come away with him at all is beyond me. It was all HUGHIE +ROSE's doing--he said we should get on together like blazes. So we +have--_very_ like blazes! + +_Miss P._ Never mind that. Are you willing to accept the trial or not? + +_Podb._ If you only knew what he's like when he's nasty, you'd let +me off--you would, really. But there, to please you, I'll do it. I'll +stand him as long as ever I can--'pon my honour I will. Only you'll +make it up to me afterwards, won't you now? + +_Miss P._ I will make no promises--a true knight should expect no +reward for his service, Mr. PODBURY. + +_Podb._ (_blankly_). Shouldn't he? I'm a little new to the business, +you see, and it _does_ strike me--but never mind. When am I to trot +him off? + +_Miss P._ As soon as you can induce him to go--to-morrow, if possible. + +_Podb._ I don't believe he'll _go_, you know, for one thing! + +_Miss P._ (_demurely_). I think you will find him open to persuasion. +But go and try, Mr. PODBURY. + +_Podb._ (_to himself, as he withdraws_). Well, I've let myself in for +a nice thing! Rummest way of treating a proposal _I_ ever heard of. +I should just like to tell that fellow RUSKIN what I think of his +precious ideas. But there's _one_ thing, though--she can't care about +CULCHARD, or she wouldn't want him carted off like this.... Hooray, I +never thought of that before! Why, there he is, dodging about to find +out how _I've_ got on. I'll tackle him straight off. + + [_CULCHARD and PODBURY meet at the head of the staircase, + and speak at the same moment._ + +_Culch._ Er--PODBURY it has } +occurred to me that we might-- } + } leave this place to-morrow! +_Podb._ I say, CULCHARD, we } +really ought to-- } + +_Podb._ Hullo! we're both of one mind for once, eh? (_To himself_.) +Poor old beggar! Got the sack! That explains a lot. Well, I won't tell +him anything about this business just now. + +_Culch._ So it appears. (_To himself_.) (Had his _quietus_, evidently. +Ah, well, I won't exult over him. + + [_They go off together to consult a time-table._ + +_Miss. P._ (_on the balcony, musing_). Poor fellows! I couldn't very +well say anything more definite at present. By the time I see them +again, I may understand my own heart better. Really, it is rather an +exciting sensation, having two suitors under vow and doing penance at +the same time--and all for my sake! I hope, though, they won't mention +it to one another--or to BOB. BOB does not understand these things, +and he might-- But, after all, there are only _two_ of them. And +RUSKIN distinctly says that every girl who is worth _anything_ ought +always to have half-a-dozen or so. Two is really _quite_ moderate. + + * * * * * + +A TOO-ENGAGING MAIDEN'S REPLY. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S KIND PERMISSION._) + +[Illustration] + + Yes, I read your effusion that lately got printed, + And at first never guessed there was anything meant. + But when someone suggested that something was hinted, + On your verses some time I reluctantly spent. + They are fair--and perhaps _you_ consider them clever, + You're a poet, no doubt, of a _minor_ degree, + But I never was startled so strangely--no, never! + As to learn that the lady you mentioned was me! + + In the coolest of ways you sum up my attractions, + Pray allow me to turn my attention to _you_. + You are good, I believe, at the vulgarest fractions, + You have cheek and assurance sufficient for two. + You are what people reckon "a nice sort of fellow," + Your sense of importance very strongly you feel. + You are bilious, you've got a complexion of yellow, + You are plainer than I am--which says a good deal. + + "Am I free altogether from blame in the matter?"-- + And as to my frowning, I don't know the way-- + Do you really imagine that insolent chatter + Can affect me, or that _I_ care for what people say? + With fervent adorers around by the dozen, + For whom but my word is the law of their life. + Do you think I'd occasion to pitch on a cousin, + And announce that _you_ wanted myself as your wife? + + Do not think I am angry, I am good at forgiving, + Have my constant refusals then made you so sour? + Even poets in _Punch_ have to write for their living, + And must wear their poor lives out at so much the hour. + I am weary and tired of being proposed to, + And at times I'm afraid it will injure my brain, + But my heart for the future yourself, mind, is closed to, + So don't, I implore, come proposing again. + + * * * * * + +A REAL BURNING QUESTION.--What should be done with the mischievous and +malicious noodles who communicate false alarms (to the number of 518 +in one year) to the London Fire Brigade, by means of the fire-alarm +posts fixed for public convenience and protection in the public +thoroughfares? The almost appropriate Stake is out of date, but _Mr. +Punch_ opines that the Pillory would be none too bad for them. + + * * * * * + +THE BULL, THE BEAR, AND THE OXUS.--Russia, it is asserted, "intends to +annex the whole of the elevated plateaus known as the Pamirs, and all +parts of Afghanistan north of a straight line drawn from Lake Victoria +to the junction of the Kotcha River with the Oxus." JOHN BULL might +say, "I should like to Kotcha at it!" + + * * * * * + +SOME LONDON "FIENDS." + +(_HOW TO EXORCISE, AFTER READING CORRESPONDENCE ON THE SUBJECT IN +SEVERAL "DAILIES."_) + +_THE "WALKING-STICK AND UMBRELLA FIEND."_ + +[Illustration] + +Provide yourself with a steel-plated umbrella (carriage size), with +a "non-conducting" handle. When open in a shower, where people are +hurrying, let the framework bristle with sharp penknife points. Held +firmly in front of you, you will find everyone get out of your way. +In entering a crowded omnibus or railway carriage, by touching a knob, +let the heat generated by the electric current instantly cause the +whole to become "red-hot." Dexterously moved about in front of you, +you will find this a most thoroughly protecting weapon, clearing +instantly a large space on each side of you, and even sometimes +involving the summoning of the conductor or guard, with a view to your +removal either to another compartment, or even a general request for +your expulsion from the vehicle altogether. This may lead possibly to +your enjoyment of an entire compartment to yourself; for, of course, +you will point out that you cannot be expected to travel without your +umbrella, which, after all, happens merely to be constructed on a +newly-patented principle. + +_THE "HANSOM CAB FIEND."_ + +This is easily overcome. You have merely to employ an agent to +purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a high-pressure +boiler, and the thing is done. With practice, you can easily get eight +miles an hour out of one of these excellent machines, and you will +find a general indifference as to the rule of the road, especially +if you turn a corner or two at a stiff pace, act as a capital +"road-clearer." Even the smartest butcher's cart will do its best to +get out of your way when it sees you coming. + +_THE "PIANO ORGAN, GERMAN BAND, AND GENERAL STREET MUSIC FIEND."_ + +Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) several +fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of their excessive and +unbearable shrillness. Whenever any sort of street music commences at +either end of your street, turn on, by an apparatus specially +arranged in your area, the full force of the above. This will not only +overpower your would-be tormentors, but bring every householder in +the neighbourhood to his street-door begging you to desist. You +have merely to say, "When they stop, _I_ turn off," to get them to +comprehend the situation. It may possibly lead to the intervention of +the police, probably in some force; but the net result will be that +you will, for that morning, at least, enjoy a quiet street. + +There are other London fiends removable by various measures, +concerning which much might be said if they were not actionable. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN "BREAKING IN" HIS +SHOOTING-BOOTS.] + + * * * * * + +"GRATITUDE--A SENSE OF FAVOURS TO COME."--Mr. SWINBURNE unexpectedly +says a good word for the much be-mocked BOWDLER. "No man (he says), +ever did better service to SHAKSPEARE than the man who made it +possible to put him into the hands of intelligent and imaginative +children." Can Mr. SWINBURNE be "proticipating" the period when +another BOWDLER may be called upon to do a similar "service" for the +author of _Poems and Ballads?_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRENCH AND ENGLISH. + +(_As zey are Spoke at ze Country 'Ouse._) + +_Hostess_. "OH--ER--J'ESPAIR KER VOOS AVVY TROOVY +VOTRE--VOTRE--ER--ER--VOTRE _COLLAR STUD_, BARRONG?" + +_M. le Baron_. "OH, I ZANK YOU, YES! I FIND 'EEM ON MY _CHEST OF +TROWSERS_!"] + + * * * * * + +"AFTER YOU!" + + ["I am sure I may say, on behalf of all those whose names are + mentioned (for the Leadership of the House of Commons), + that we do not understand what selfishness is in the Public + Service. Everyone of us would prefer that someone else should + hold that high and honourable office."--_Sir M. Hicks-Beach at + Stockton-on-Tees_.] + +_Eminent official Altruist loquitur_:-- + + Oh, _is_ there such a vice as unholy love of self. + In the Public Service, too? 'Tis a thing I can't believe. + If I thought we could be moved by the love of power or pelf, + To compete for premier office I should very greatly grieve. + But oh no, oh deary no! I am sure it can't be so. + We don't even "understand it," so of course it isn't true. + When we're called upon to go, each will say, all louting low, + "After _you_!" + + We are not "competitive," like those naughty goddesses + Who poor Paris fluttered so upon Ida's pine-clad peak. + Of his "choice"--through selfishness--that young shepherd made a mess, + But our Shepherd, SALISBURY, will not be so wildly weak; + And our claims _we_ shall not urge to compulsion's very verge, + On the contrary each one thinks that "another" best will do. + "No, loved comrade" (each will say) "let me make my 'splendid splurge' + "After _you_!" + + Look at GOSCHEN! Can't you see he regards with perfect glee + The prospect of promotion of his faithful friend BALFOUR. + _He_ doesn't want to lead. Ah no, indeed, indeed! + Do you think that off friend ARTHUR JOACHIM can wish to score? + Upon the Treasury Bench did he ever try to trench + On the province of the Leader for the time, no matter who? + He would cry, "Dear ARTHUR, No! from priority I blench,-- + "After _you_!" + + Then bland BALFOUR in his turn such crude selfishness would spurn + As the wish to prove himself popular more than soft J.G., + With a most becoming blush his pale cheek, I'm sure, would burn, + If his uncle should cry, "Come, nephew dear, and second me!" + He would hint at nepotism, and the chance of secret schism. + "Let the mild ex-Liberal lead, I will be his henchman true!" + He would cry, with selfless joy on his brow like a pure chrism, + "After _you_!" + + And as for simple Me! Oh, it's utter fiddle-de-dee + To suppose that I possess, or desire, the least look in. + No, selfishness, my friends, we unitedly agree + In Party life is just _the_ unpardonable sin, + Which "we do not understand," like that other little game + That AH-SIN, reluctant, played, with some small success 'tis true. + But _we_'ve no sleeve-hidden card as we cry, with modest shame, + "After _you_!" + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME?--The _St. James's Gazette_ says:--"There are +forty-seven divorces in the United States for every one in the United +Kingdom." Evidently "United" is something more than _anagrammatically_ +identical with "Untied." + + * * * * * + +"GRAY'S ELEGY" AMENDED. + + ["I have often thought that GRAY's _Elegy_ was defective + in having no verse commemorative of the sequestered and + unsophisticated philanthropy of the village doctor."--_Sir + James Crichton-Browne at the Yorkshire College, Leeds._] + + And one lies here of whom the scoffer said, + He did his best the green churchyard to fill; + None ever looks upon his lowly bed, + Without the recollection of a pill. + + He lived sequestered, and he died unknown, + A truly unsophisticated man; + A medicine-glass adorns his humble stone, + And thus the epitaph they graved him ran: + + "Here Doctor BOLUS lies, to dose no more; + His charge was moderate, but quite enough: + Death left a last prescription at the door, + And then the doctor had his '_Quantum suff._'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AFTER YOU!" + +"HE BELIEVED THAT EVERYONE OF THEM WOULD PREFER THAT SOMEONE ELSE +SHOULD HOLD THAT HIGH AND HONOURABLE OFFICE."--SIR MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH +_at Stockton-on-Tees_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WATER V. WINE. "HOLD! ENOUGH!"] + + * * * * * + +HARRYING OUR HAKIMS. + + [A medical journal suggests that all candidates for Medical + Degrees should be required to give proof of good handwriting, + in order to put an end to indistinct prescriptions.] + +A few additional requirements, we believe, have been under +consideration, of which the following are a sample:-- + +All candidates for the M.B. Degree to be able to count up to fifty. +Candidates who are more than fifty not to count. + +Nobody to become a Member of the Royal College of Surgeons until he +has mastered Simple Addition and Compound Fractures. + +Members of the Royal College of Physicians will henceforth be expected +to know their Weights (with boots off) and Measures (round the +waist). Troy weight only. "Scruples" not allowed. Good knowledge of +Multiplication Table indispensable for dispensers. + +No candidate to be accepted for a Degree unless he either has a good +"bedside manner," or undertakes to develop one as soon as possible. + +Any candidate to be at once ploughed unless he can answer all the +following questions:-- + +1. What would you do if asked to hold a consultation with a +practitioner whom you have every reason to suppose an incapable quack? + +2. If a good paying patient, suffering from no ailment whatever, +called you in with a view to getting a week's holiday at the seaside +by medical orders, how would you reconcile a desire to oblige that +pardonable weakness with a strict regard for veracity? + +3. When the parents of a large family, who do their duty manfully +by calling you in about twice a week, and from whom therefore you +derive a not inconsiderable proportion of your income, object to have +an infant vaccinated at the proper time, because they erroneously +consider it to be unfit for the operation, which would you feel +inclined to strain--friendship, or the law? + +4. Do you believe in Influenza? + +5. Have you ever seen a Microbe? + +6. "In the multitude of visits there is safety." Comment on this +declaration. How many visits do you think a common catarrh will +support? Give reasons. + +7. What is the etiquette about Red Lamps? + + * * * * * + +"HORSE AND 'RYDER'".--Last week, on the 15th, as was reported in the +_Globe_, and elsewhere, "a humble crossing-sweeper," named RYDER, +stopped a runaway cab-horse (a great rarity this, too) just as he was +about to descend headlong the steps of the Duke of York's column, and +so saved the two passengers, who, we hope, in consideration of what he +has done for _their_ lives, have settled something hansom upon him for +_his_ life. If not, the proposition is here made, and after the prop +comes the RYDER. + + * * * * * + +GHOSTLY COUNSEL.--Prizes are being offered for "Good Ghost Stories." +This may mean _Stories of Good Ghosts_; but supplying the hyphen and +supposing that the requirement is for "Good Ghost-stories," then _Mr. +Punch_ makes a present of a good title to any sanguine amateur who +may compete. Let him call his story, "A Ghost of a Chance." And _Mr. +Punch_ wishes he may get it! + + * * * * * + +PENNY FOOLISH.--Somebody has published a penny _A B C of Theosophy_. +To the appeal of this Occult A B C the enlightened public will +probably be D E F. + + * * * * * + +"QUI DORT, DÎNE," ET "QUI DÎNE, DORT."--A man who "goes nap" _at_ +dinner, is pretty safe to go nap immediately _after_ it. + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +(_FROM MR. PUNCH'S OWN HUMOURISTS._) + +It is not generally known that the Emperor of RUSSIA visited London +the other day on his way to Paris, where he is to hold an important +secret conference with the President of the Republic and M. BLOWITZ. +His Imperial Majesty's disguise was complete, consisting as it did of +an aquiline nose of considerable size, and a secondhand gaberdine of +primitive cut. He visited the principal Music Halls of the Metropolis +and left by the last train for Surbiton, where his private yacht was +in waiting to convey him to Marseilles, and so on to Paris by the new +French canal system. + + * * * * * + +Monaco has adhered to the Triple Alliance. The negotiations thus +brought to a successful issue, have been for a long time in progress. +Obligations of honour, which no longer exist, have hitherto compelled +me, as your Correspondent, to keep secret the fact that amongst the +_croupiers_ of the _trente-et-quarante_ tables at the Casino for the +past three months have been the Chancellors of the German and Austrian +Empires, and the MARCHESE DI RUDINI, who, thus disguised, carried out +their delicate mission to the Court of Monaco. By this post I send +you the draft treaty by which Monaco engages, in the event of war, to +furnish a completely equipped contingent of ten men. + + * * * * * + +The BARON DE BOOK-WORMS arrived in town yesterday afternoon and +transacted business at his office in Bouverie Street, afterwards +returning to his country seat at Stow-in-the-Wold. + + * * * * * + +BROWNING SOCIETY VERSES. + + [Dr. FURNIVALL announces that the Browning Society is about to + be dissolved.] + + Hark! 'tis the knell of the Browning Society, + Wind-bags are bursting all round us to-day; + FURNIVALL fails, and for want of his diet he + Pines like a love-stricken maiden away. + + Long has he fed upon cackle and platitude, + FURNIVALL sauce to a dish full of dearth, + Still, in the favourite FURNIVALL attitude, + Grubbing about like a mole in the earth. + + Now must he vanish, the mole-hills are flat again, + (Follies grow fewer it seems by degrees); + Lovers of BROWNING may laugh and grow fat again, + Rid of the jargon of Furnivallese. + + * * * * * + +NEW AND OLD TERMS.--"Slate, Slite, Slote, Slitten," is the title of +an amusing article in the _Saturday Review_, on the derivation of the +verb "to slate." How "slote" comes in is not quite evident, but that +when the pages of a dull book are "slitten" by the paper-knife, it +will be read and slated by a critic, and then "slited" (or "slighted") +by the public, is quite sufficient without "putting a penny in the +'slote'" on the chance of getting something better. + + * * * * * + +SO LIKE HIM!--Tuesday last week was the seventieth birthday of +Professor VIRCHOW. He has refused all titles and emoluments, observing +that "VIRCHOW is its own reward." + + * * * * * + +VERY POP-ULAR!--Through the _Times_ came the information that, since +the famine, the Russian Officers have given up drinking champagne. +Their conduct is really quite Magnuminous! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GRANDOLPH AD LEONES."] + + * * * * * + +"ADSCRIPTUS GLEBÆ." + + ["He (Mr. GOSCHEN) was in favour of giving the agricultural + labourer every opportunity of becoming more attached to the + soil."--_Mr. Goschen at Cambridge_.] + + Attached to the soil! Pretty optimist phrase + We are so, and have been, from _Gurth's_ simpler days, + Though now platform flowers of speech--pleasant joke!-- + May wreath the serf's ring till men scarce see the yoke. + Attached to the soil! The soil clings to our souls! + Young labour's scant guerdon, cold charity's doles, + The crow-scarer's pittance, the poor-house's aid + All smell of it! Tramping with boots thickly clayed + From brown field or furrow, or lowered at last + In our special six-feet by the sexton up-cast, + We smack of the earth, till we earthy have grown, + Like the mound that Death gives us--best friend--for our own. + We tramp it, we delve it, we plough it, this soil, + And a grave is the final reward of our toil. + Attached? The attachment of love is one thing, + The attachment of profit another. _Gurth's_ ring + Is _our_ form of attachment at bottom, Sir, still, + And to favour _that_ bond HODGE doubts not your good will. + But when others talk of improving our lot + By possession of more than a burial plot, + By pay for our toil, and by balm for our troubles, + You ban all such prospects as "radiant bubbles." + Declare "under-currents of plunder" run through + All plans for our aid save those favoured by you, + Attached to the soil! Ah! how many approve + _That_ attachment, when founded on labour and love! + But about "confiscation" they chatter and fuss + At all talk of attaching the soil to poor us! + + * * * * * + +FREE AND INDEPENDENT. + + SCENE--_Manager's Room of the Ideal Theatre. + Present--Committee of Taste._ + +[Illustration] + +_Manager_. Now, you fellows, I think we have settled what to do next. +Carry out the notion of an afternoon performance of the Ideal Drama. +We have got the moderate guarantee, and the good stock company, and +hope to receive the cooperation of the leading artists from other +theatres. Isn't that so? + +_Auditor_. Yes, I can answer for the moderate guarantee--about £20--in +the bank. + +_Stage Manager_. And the good stock company was imported early this +morning from Ireland. All very good Shakspearian actors with a taste +of a brogue to give their remarks pungency. + +_Manager_. That's all right. And what is the play? + +_First Member of the Committee of Taste_. "_Demons_," by the Master. + +_Second Ditto_. No, let us have something newer. Why not an adaptation +(by myself) of that charming work by SODALA--I call it _Blood and +Thunder_? + +_Manager_ (_producing halfpenny_). By the rules of the Company we toss +for it. (_Throws up coin._) Heads!--_Blood and Thunder_ wins. We +will do _Blood and Thunder_. Well, now as to casting it. Anything for +IRVING in it? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, yes--if he would play it. A Policeman who dies +by cutting his throat in Scene 1. Not the sort of part he usually +selects, but capital. + +_First Mem._ It is not for Mr. IRVING to pick and choose, it is the +cause of Art we serve. + +_Second Mem._ Well, yes. We might telephone and learn his views on the +subject. + + [_Subordinate takes instructions_. + +_Manager_. All right! Ah, here we have the piece! Rather long, but +the parts seem mild enough. Who's to do this soldier--a sort of heavy +dragoon, with a cold, who dies in the First Scene of the Second Act? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, anybody! KENDAL or FARREN; or if they can't, then +HARE or LIONEL BROUGH. + +_Manager_. But do you think they will like it? You see they each have +their line, and-- + +_First Mem._ In the cause of Art they will be prepared to do anything. +At least, they ought to be. + +_Manager_. Well, we will telephone to them too. (_Subordinate takes +further instructions_.) And now, how about the Ladies? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, there are a lot of school-girls, and a woman who +dies by degrees of general paralysis. The girls, of course will be all +right with--say, Miss EMERY, Miss LINDEN, Miss ALMA MURRAY, and Mrs. +KENDAL. But we want two people to play the woman. First Act, Miss +ELLEN TERRY; second and third, Miss GENEVIEVE WARD. To be properly +played, both should be in it. + +_Manager_. But how will that do? I do not think that Miss TERRY will +care to-- + +_First Mem._ Nonsense! She is a most charming person, and will do +anything in the cause of Art. + +_Subordinate_ (_returning from telephone_). Beg pardon, Gentlemen, but +Messrs. KENDAL, FARREN, BROUGH and HARE say they are very sorry, but +they are not at home; and Mr. IRVING presents his compliments, +and would be delighted to do what we wish, but he fears he will be +otherwise engaged. However, he says you have his sympathy, and his +heart goes out to you. [_Exit._ + +_Manager_. Well, what shall we do? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, there's VEZIN, and TERRIS, and PAULTON, and a heap +more! + +_Subordinate_ (_returning_). Just heard from the Ladies, Gentlemen, +and they send their kindest regards, but they are out too! + +_Acting Manager_ (_entering_). Well, how about the performance? + +_Members of the Council_ (_together_). Oh, it's nearly arranged! + +_Acting Man._ Well, if I might suggest, as a person of considerable +experience, it doesn't matter a jot whether you get a company together +or not. + +_Members_ (_as before_). Why? + +_Acting Man._ Because you won't get an audience! + + [_Scene closes in upon farther consultation._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODEST AMBITION. + +_The Squire_ (_to his Eldest Son, just home from the 'Varsity_). +"WELL, MY BOY, AND WHAT HAVE YOU SETTLED TO BE?" + +_The Squire's Son_. "JUST A _PLAIN COUNTRY GENTLEMAN_ LIKE YOU, +FATHER!"] + + * * * * * + +THEOSOPHIC TOOLS. + +(_BY AN OPPONENT OF OCCULTISM._) + + The Theosophic Boom, its wordy strife + And futile fuss are fading out in "fizzle." + They talk a deal about their "_planes_ of life," + 'Tis plain to me the fitter term were "chisel." + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG: + +OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS. + +"A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse," says the old saw, and +a wink is no doubt as good as a smile to a purblind ass. But the wink +is indeed one of the worst uses to which the human eye can he put. It +signifies usually the vulgarisation of humour, and the degradation of +mirth. It is the favourite eye-language of the cynical cad, the coarse +jester, the crapulous clown, and--above all--the chuckling cheat. + +[Illustration] + +It must be admitted, that the Muse of the Music Hall--in her Momus +mood--has a strong leaning towards the glorification of cynical +'cuteness of the _Autolycus_ sort. It is a weakness which she seems +to share with party scribes and Colonial politicians. If she had any +classic leanings, which she has not, her favourite deity would be +Mercury, the "winking Cyllenian Argophont" of the Homeric Hymn, the +"little cradled rogue," the Apollo-cheating babe, "the lord of those +who swindle, house-break, sheep-steal and shop-lift," under whom +_Autolycus_ prided himself upon having been "littered." _Autolycus's_ +complacent self-gratulation, "How bless'd are we that are not simple +men!" would appeal to the heart of the Music-hall votary. "Ha, ha! +what a fool Honesty is! and Trust his sworn brother, a very simple +gentleman" is, virtually, the burthen of dozens of the most favourite +of the Music-hall ditties. + +Sly-scheming Hermes "winked" knowingly at Jupiter when he was +"pitching his yarn" about the stolen oxen, and Jupiter "according to +his wont," + + "Laughed heartily to hear the subtle witted + Infant give such a plausible account, + And every word a lie." + +So the Music-hall Muse "winks" knowingly, and knavishly, at her +audience, and her audience "laugh heartily," in Jovian guffaws, at her +winks. What wonder then that she should lyrically apostrophise "The +Wink" in laudatory numbers? + + "Say, boys, now is it quite the thing?" + +she cries in sham deprecation, but all the while she "winks the other +eye" in a way her hearers quite understand. "Cabby knows his fare," +and the Music-hall Muse knows her clients. What, we wonder, would +be her reception did she really carry out her ironically pretended +protest and sing to the chuckling cads who applaud her, the following +version of her favourite lay? + +NO. II.--THE WINK OF ROGUERY'S EYE. + +AIR--"_WINK THE OTHER EYE_." + + Say, boys, whatever do men mean + When they wink the other eye? + Why, when "sharps" say the world is "green," + Do they wink the other eye? + The Radicals and Tories both tell stories, not a few, + About Measures falsely promised, and reforms long overdue; + And when the simple Mob believes that every word is true. + Then they--wink the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, now is it quite the thing! + Say, should we let them have their fling? + Ah, when they get us "on a string" + Then they wink the other eye! + + Say, boys are Leaders to be loved, + When they wink the other eye? + By artful speech the Mob is moved, + Till _it_ winks the other eye; + The optic Wink's the language of the sly and sordid soul, + The mute freemasonry of Fraud, sign-post to Roguery's goal. + When Circe sees her votaries swine ready in sludge to roll + Then _she_ winks the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, _is_ it so fine a thing, + Low Cunning, which Cheat's laureates sing, + The Comus of the Mart and Ring, + Who--winks the other eye? + + Say, boys, is Cunning's promise good, + When she winks the other eye? + Noodledom seeks her neighbourhood, + And winks _its_ other eye. + For no one winks so freely as a fool who _thinks_ he's sly; + The dupe of deeper knavery smirks in shallow mimicry + Of the smirking JERRY DIDDLER who is sucking him so dry, + And who winks the other eye. + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, now is the Wink a thing + Worthy of worship; will you fling + Your caps in air for the Knave-King + Who--winks the other eye? + + The Politician plucks his geese, + Then he winks the other eye. + Brazen Fraud steals Trade's Golden Fleece, + Then he winks the other eye. + _Autolycus_ pipes ballads; public pockets are his aim; + _Rabagas_ raves of "liberty"; advancement is his game; + And when their dupes aren't looking all these rogues do just the same, + They--wink the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, pæans will you sing + To winking harpies all a-wing + To prey on fools; who steal, and sting, + And--wink the other eye? + + Wisdom may smile, but Cunning can't, + She winks the other eye. + Humour shall chortle, Mockery shan't, + She winks the other eye. + The stars above us twinkle and the dews beneath us blink, + All the eyes of Nature sparkle, and from merriment do not shrink, + The Language of the Eye of Cynic Knavery is--the Wink! + _Roguery_ "winks the other eye!" + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, is it quite the thing? + "Ducdàme"[1] to fools the Diddlers sing; + Trust me 'tis Rascals in a Ring + Who wink the other eye! + +[Footnote 1: + + _Amiens_. What's that "ducdàme"? + + _Jaques_. 'Tis a Greek invocation to call fools into a circle. + +"_As You Like It_," _Act II., Sc. 5._] + + * * * * * + +THE EVOLUTION OF TOMMY'S PRIVATE-SCHOOL REPORT. + +1. _A rough draught, written by the under-master, who certainly has +had rather a trying week with_ TOMMY. + +"I am unable to speak highly of either his intelligence or his +industry; but occasionally he works well, and has undoubtedly made +some progress this term. His conduct is not always good." + +2. _Second rough draught_; TOMMY _in the meantime has missed a +repetition and accidentally knocked down the black-board._ + +"Exceptionally stupid and idle. Cannot be said to have made any +progress whatever this term, although he has had every effort made +with him. His conduct is abominable, noisy and unruly in the extreme." + +3. _Fair copy to be submitted to the principal; of course_, TOMMY _had +not intended to be overheard when he spoke of the under-master as_ +"_Old Pig-face_," _but this is the result._ + +"A more idle and utterly worthless boy it has never been my misfortune +to teach. Seems to have gone steadily backward all the term. Is most +objectionable in his manners, and has no sense of honour." + +4. _Fair copy, as amended by the principal; how was_ TOMMY _to +know that stone would break the conservatory window, and drive the +principal to alter the report to this?_ + +"Would be better suited in a reformatory than in a school of this +standing. Utterly depraved, vicious and idle, with marked criminal +instincts. In intellect verges on the imbecile. Unless there is a +marked improvement next term, I cannot keep him." + +5. _Principal's final copy; it_ was _fortunate that_ TOMMY _happened +to remark that he had four cousins who were, perhaps, coming next +term. One can't lose four pupils, even if it makes it necessary to +write like this._ + +"A singularly bright and high-spirited boy; a little given to +mischief, as all boys are, but quite amenable to discipline. My +assistant speaks most highly of his progress this term, and of his +general intelligence. He seems well suited by our system. His conduct +is, on the whole, admirable. He is truthful and conscientious." + + * * * * * + +COUPLET BY A CYNIC. + + "Poetry does not sell!" cry plaintive pleaders. + Alas! most modern Poetry _does_--its readers! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. October 24, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + +***** This file should be named 14057-8.txt or 14057-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/0/5/14057/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. October 24, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 15, 2004 [EBook #14057] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 24, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" + id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span> + + <h2>LAISSEZ FAIRE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Inscription for a Free Public Library.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/193-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/193-1.png" + alt="A poor reader." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here is an Institution doomed to scare</p> + + <p>The furious devotees of <i>Laissez Faire</i>.</p> + + <p>What mental shock, indeed, could prove immenser</p> + + <p>To Mumbo Jumbo—or to HERBERT SPENCER?</p> + + <p>Free Books? Reading provided from the Rates?</p> + + <p>Oh, that means Freedom's ruin, and the State's!</p> + + <p>Self-help's all right,—e'en if you rob a + brother—</p> + + <p>But human creatures must <i>not</i> help each + other!</p> + + <p>The "Self-made Man," whom SAMUEL SMILES so + praises,</p> + + <p>Who on his fellows' necks his footing raises,</p> + + <p>The systematic "Sweater," who sucks wealth</p> + + <p>From toiling crowds by cunning and by + stealth,—</p> + + <p><i>He</i> is all right, <i>he</i> has no maudlin + twist,</p> + + <p><i>He</i> does not shock the Individualist!</p> + + <p>But rate yourselves to give the poor free + reading?</p> + + <p>The Pelican to warm her nestlings bleeding,</p> + + <p>Was no such monument of feeble folly.</p> + + <p><i>Let folks alone</i>, and all will then be + jolly.</p> + + <p>Let the poor perish, let the ignorant sink,</p> + + <p>The tempted tumble, and the drunkard drink!</p> + + <p>Let—no, <i>don't</i> let the low-born robber + rob,</p> + + <p>Because,—well, that would rather spoil the + job.</p> + + <p>If footpad-freedom brooked no interference,</p> + + <p>Of Capital there might be a great clearance;</p> + + <p>But, Wealth well-guarded, let all else alone.</p> + + <p>'Tis thus our race hath to true manhood grown:</p> + + <p>To make the general good the common care,</p> + + <p>Breaks through the sacred law of <i>Laissez + Faire</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A REMONSTRANCE.</h2> + + <h4><i>To Luke's Little Summer.</i></h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/193-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/193-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah, Summer! now thy wayward race is run,</p> + + <p>With soft, appeasing smiles thou com'st, like + one</p> + + <p class="i2">Who keeps a pageant waiting all the + day,</p> + + <p>Till half the guests and all the joy is gone,</p> + + <p class="i2">And hearts are heavy that awoke so + gay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What though the faithful trees, still gladly + green,</p> + + <p>Show fretted depths of blue their boughs + between,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though placid sunlight sleeps upon the + lawn,</p> + + <p>It only tells us of what might have been</p> + + <p class="i2">Of fickle favours wantonly withdrawn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Blown with rude winds, and beaten down with + rain,</p> + + <p>How can the roses dare to trust again</p> + + <p class="i2">The tricksy mistress whom they once + adored?</p> + + <p>Even the glad heaven, chilled with stormy stain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Grudges its skylark pilgrims of its + hoard.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Poor is the vintage that the wild bee quiffs,</p> + + <p>When the tall simple lilies—the giraffes</p> + + <p class="i2">That browse on loftier air than other + flowers—</p> + + <p>When all the blooms, wherewith late Summer + laughs,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like chidden children droop among the + bowers.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oft like a moorhen scuttling to the reeds,</p> + + <p>The cricket-ball sped o'er the plashy meads,</p> + + <p class="i2">And rainbow-blended blazers shrank and + ran</p> + + <p>When showers, in mockery of his moist needs,</p> + + <p class="i2">Half-drown'd the water-loving river + man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What woman's rights have crazed thee?</p> + + <p class="i4">Would'st thou be</p> + + <p>A Winter Amazon, more fierce than he?</p> + + <p class="i2">Can Summer birds thy shrew-heroics + sing?</p> + + <p>Wilt tend no more the daisies on the lea,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor wake thy cowslips up on May + morning?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What, shall we brew us possets by the fire</p> + + <p>And let the wild rose shiver on the brier.</p> + + <p class="i2">The cowslip tremble in the meadows + chill,</p> + + <p>While thy unlovely battle-call wails higher</p> + + <p class="i2">And dusty squadrons charge adown the + hill?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is too late; thou art no love of mine;</p> + + <p>I answer not this sigh, this kiss divine;</p> + + <p class="i2">The sunlight penitently streaming + down</p> + + <p>Shines through the paling leaf like thinnest + wine</p> + + <p class="i2">Quaff'd in the clear air of a mountain + town.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell! For old love's sake I kiss thy hands;</p> + + <p>Go on thy way; away to other lands</p> + + <p class="i2">That love thee less, and need thee less + than we;</p> + + <p>Pour out thy passion on some desert sands,</p> + + <p class="i2">Forget thy lover of the Northern Sea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Away with fond pretence; let winter come</p> + + <p>With snow that strikes the heaviest footfall + dumb.</p> + + <p class="i2">We know the worst, and face his rage with + glee;</p> + + <p>And, though the world without be ne'er so glum,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sit by the hearth, and dream and + talk—of thee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, come again with earliest April; stay,</p> + + <p>Thyself once more, through the fair time when + day</p> + + <p class="i2">Clasps hand with day, through the brief + hush of night—</p> + + <p>A twilight bower of roses, where in play</p> + + <p class="i2">Dance little maidens through from light + to light.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Birds of a Feather.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Lord HAWKE's team of Cricketers were beaten at Manheim + by the Philadelphians by eight wickets whereat the + <i>Philadelphia Ledger</i> cockadoodles considerably. The + Britishers, however, won the return match somewhat + easily.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Yankee Eagle well might squeal and squawk</p> + + <p>At having licked the British bird (Lord) HAWKE.</p> + + <p>But when that HAWKE his brood had "pulled + together,"</p> + + <p>That Eagle found it yet might "moult a feather."</p> + + <p>Go it, ye friendly-fighting fowls! But know</p> + + <p>'Tis only "Roosters" who o'er conquest + <i>crow</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOME SWEET HOME!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By one who believes there's no place like it.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/193-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/193-3.png" + alt="Mr. Punch." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return (for home the Briton hankers,</p> + + <p class="i2">After an exile of two months or so,</p> + + <p>Swiss or Italian). Sweet—to find your + Banker's</p> + + <p class="i4">Balance getting low.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from Como or Sorrento.</p> + + <p class="i2">Meshed in their shimmering net of drowsy + sheen,</p> + + <p>Into a climate that you know not when to</p> + + <p class="i4">Really call serene.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from hostelries whose waiters</p> + + <p class="i2">Rush to fulfil your slightest word or + whim,</p> + + <p>Back to a cook who passionately caters</p> + + <p class="i4">Not for you, but <i>him</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from <i>Table-d'Hôtes</i> + disgusting</p> + + <p class="i2">(Oh, how you grumbled at the <i>Sauce + Romaine</i>!)</p> + + <p>Fresh to the filmy succulence incrusting</p> + + <p class="i4">Solid joints again.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from Innkeepers demurely</p> + + <p class="i2">Pricing your candle at a franc + unshamed,</p> + + <p>Back to a land where perquisites are surely</p> + + <p class="i4">Never, never claimed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from bargaining, disputing,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Pourboires</i> and <i>Trinkgelds</i> + grudgingly bestowed—</p> + + <p>Unto the simple charioteers of Tooting,</p> + + <p class="i4">Or the Cromwell Road.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return from "all those dreadful + tourists,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Such mixed society as chance allots,</p> + + <p>E'en to the social splendour of the purists</p> + + <p class="i4">Of those sparkling spots.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet to return to bills and fogs and duty!</p> + + <p class="i2">(Some of the latter at our Custom + House)</p> + + <p>Sweet, after smaller game, to hail the beauty</p> + + <p class="i6">Of the British mouse!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet too the sight of cockchafer; and sweet'll</p> + + <p class="i2">Welcome the pilgrim, doomed too long to + roam,</p> + + <p>England's tried sentinel, the black, black + beetle</p> + + <p class="i4">With his "Home, sweet Home!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page194" + id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/194.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/194.png" + alt="LONDON'S DILEMMA; OR, 'FAIR ROSAMOND' UP TO DATE." /> + </a> + + <h3>LONDON'S DILEMMA; OR, "FAIR ROSAMOND" UP TO + DATE.</h3>(<i>Lately-discovered Fragments of a valuable and + interesting "Variant" of the old Ballad Story.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When as VICTORIA rulde this land,</p> + + <p class="i2">The firste of that greate name,</p> + + <p>Faire Loundonne, of the cockneyes lovde,</p> + + <p class="i2">Attaynd to power and fame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Most peerlesse was her splendoure founde,</p> + + <p class="i2">Her favour, and her face;</p> + + <p>Yet was there one thing marred her weale,</p> + + <p class="i2">And wroughte her dire disgrace.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her dower was all that showered golde,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like Danaë's, could her lende,</p> + + <p>Yet dwelt she in the ogreish holde</p> + + <p class="i2">Of fell and fearsome fiende.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yea Loundonne Towne, faire Loundonne Towne,</p> + + <p class="i2">Her name was calléd so,</p> + + <p>To whom the Witch Monopolie</p> + + <p class="i2">Was known a deadlye foe.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now when ye Countie Councile woke,</p> + + <p class="i2">And FARRER rose to fame,</p> + + <p>With envious heart Monopolie</p> + + <p class="i2">To Loundonne straightway came.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Cast off from thee those schemes," said she,</p> + + <p class="i2">"That greate and costlye bee,</p> + + <p>And drinke thou up this deadlye cup,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which I have brought to thee!"</p> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" + id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Take pitty on my awkward plight!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Faire Loundonne she dyd crye,</p> + + <p>"And lett me not with poison stronge</p> + + <p class="i2">Enforcéd be to dye!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then out and laught that wicked Witch:</p> + + <p class="i2">"If that you will not drinke,</p> + + <p>This dagger choose! Though you be riche,</p> + + <p class="i2">You'll shrinke from <i>that</i>, I + thinke."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The dagger was a magic blayde,</p> + + <p class="i2">With figures graven o'er,</p> + + <p>Which, as you gazed thereon, did seeme</p> + + <p class="i2">To growe to more and more.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Nay," quothe faire Loundonne, "'tis but choyce</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twixt dyvill and deepe sea!</p> + + <p>I praye thee take thyself awaye,</p> + + <p class="i2">And leave the jobbe to me!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But nothynge could this grasping Witch</p> + + <p class="i2">Therewith appeaséd be.</p> + + <p>The cup of deadlye poison stronge,</p> + + <p class="i2">As she knelt on her knee,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She gave this comely dame to drinke,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who tooke it in her hande,</p> + + <p>Then from her bended knees arose,</p> + + <p class="i2">And on her feet did stande.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And casting Council-wards her eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">She did for rescue call,</p> + + <p>When—[<i>Fragmentes further may be + founde,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>At presente thys is alle!</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>If close researche, as welle we hope,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Perchaunce complete ye texte,</i></p> + + <p><i>This ballade, as scribes saye, shall be</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>"Continued in our next!"</i>]</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/195-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/195-1.png" + alt="Judges." /></a> + </div> + + <p>Wanted, a few good extra Judges, who will be prepared to do + all the work at present delayed or neglected by the existing + members of the Bench. They will be expected to dispense with + all vacations except a week at Christmas, five days at Easter, + and a fortnight from the first to the fifteenth of October. + They will devote their entire time to the service of the State, + both day and night. Their day will be devoted to business in + the High Court of Justice in the Strand, and when required they + will go Circuit (by special express) sitting at the various + assizes from 9 P.M. until 3 A.M., returning to London by trains + timed to reach the Metropolis sufficiently early to allow of + the usual morning sitting. They will be further required to + consider their leisure (if any) entirely at the disposal of + those members of the Bar and Solicitors who require it. If they + do this punctually and diligently, without knocking up, they + will be permitted to draw salaries computed at the rate of + about one-third of the emoluments received by a third-rate + Queen's Counsel; and if they grow lazy, or are incapacitated by + illness, they will be rewarded by a number of personal attacks + in the London newspapers. Applications to be sent to the Lord + Chancellor (endorsed "Extra Judges to suppress outside + clamour") as early as possible. Every candidate for an + appointment will be expected to be as strong as a horse, and as + insensible to feeling as the back of a rhinoceros.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Big Drinkers, Moderate Drinkers, and Little + Drinkers—this is the Tipple Alliance!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/195-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/195-2.png" + alt="'WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST.'—No. 3." /> + </a> + + <h3>"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."—No. + 3.</h3>WHEN HIS DENTIST <i>WILL</i> SUSPEND OPERATIONS TO + TELL HIM FUNNY STORIES. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>Gilbert à Beckett.</h2> + + <h4>BORN, APRIL 7, 1837. DIED, OCT. 15, 1891.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Wearing the white flower of a blameless life."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">TENNYSON.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>GILBERT the Good! Title, though high, well + earned</p> + + <p>By him through whose rare nature brightly burned</p> + + <p class="i4">The fire of purity,</p> + + <p>Undimmed, unflickering, like some altar flame</p> + + <p>Sky-pointing ever. Friend, what thought of blame</p> + + <p class="i4">Hath coldest heart for thee?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A knightly-priest or priestly-knight wert thou,</p> + + <p>Man of the radiant eye and reverent brow;</p> + + <p class="i4">Chivalry closely knit</p> + + <p>With fervent faith in thee indeed were blent;</p> + + <p>Thought upon high ideals still intent,</p> + + <p class="i4">And a most lambent wit.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Serene, though with a power of scathing scorn</p> + + <p>For all things mean or base. Sorrow long borne,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though bowing, soured not thee.</p> + + <p>Bereaved, health-broken, still that patient + smile</p> + + <p>Wreathed the pale lips which never greed or + guile</p> + + <p class="i4">Shaped to hypocrisy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A saintly-hearted wit, a satirist pure,</p> + + <p>Mover of mirth spontaneous as sure,</p> + + <p class="i4">And innocent as mad;</p> + + <p>Incongruous freak and frolic phantasy</p> + + <p>Were thy familiar spirits, quickening glee</p> + + <p class="i4">And wakening laughter glad.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dainty as <i>Ariel</i>, yet as <i>Puck</i> + profuse</p> + + <p>Of the "preposterous," was that wit, whose use</p> + + <p class="i4">Was ever held "within</p> + + <p>The limits of becoming mirth." His whim</p> + + <p>Never shy delicacy's glance could dim,</p> + + <p class="i4">Or move the cynic grin.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But that fate's hampering hand lay on him long</p> + + <p>He might have won in drama and in song</p> + + <p class="i4">A more enduring name.</p> + + <p>But he is gone, the gentle, loyal, just,</p> + + <p>Whence all these things fall earthward with the + dust</p> + + <p class="i4">Of fleeting earthly fame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Gone from our hoard, gone from the home he + loved!</p> + + <p>With what compassion are his comrades moved</p> + + <p class="i4">For those who sit alone</p> + + <p>With memories of him! Gracious memories all!</p> + + <p>A thought to lighten, like that flower, his + pall,</p> + + <p class="i4">And hush love's troubled moan.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell, fine spirit! To be owned thy friend</p> + + <p>Was something to illume the unwelcome end</p> + + <p class="i4">Of comradeship below.</p> + + <p>A loving memory long our board will grace,</p> + + <p>In fancy, with that sweet ascetic face.</p> + + <p class="i4">That brow's benignant glow.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Rhyme at Rhyl.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a Listening Layman.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If Cleric Congresses could only care</p> + + <p class="i2">A little less for the mere Church and + Steeple,</p> + + <p>Parochial pomp and power in lion's share,</p> + + <p class="i2">And have one aim—to purify the + People,</p> + + <p>They need not shrink from Disestablishment,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or any other secular enormity;</p> + + <p>Unselfish love of Man destroys Dissent,</p> + + <p class="i2">True Charity provokes no + Nonconformity.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" + id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XI.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Balcony outside the Musik-Saal of the + Insel Hotel, Constance.</i> Miss PRENDERGAST <i>is + seated</i>; CULCHARD <i>is leaning against the railing + close by. It is about nine; the moon has risen, big and + yellow, behind the mountains at the further end of the + lake; small black boats are shooting in and out of her + track upon the water; the beat of the steamers' paddles is + heard as they come into harbour.</i> CULCHARD <i>has just + proposed.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss Prendergast</i> (<i>after a silence</i>). I have + always felt very strongly with RUSKIN, that no girl should have + the cruelty to refuse a proposal—</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>with alacrity</i>). RUSKIN is always so + right. And—er—where there is such complete sympathy + in tastes and ideas, as I venture to think exists in our own + case, the cruelty would—</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/196.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/196.png" + alt="'It does seem rather rough on fellows, don't you know.'" /> + </a>"It does seem rather rough on fellows, don't you know." + </div> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> Pray allow me to finish! "Refuse a proposal + <i>at once</i>" is RUSKIN's expression. He also says (if my + memory does not betray me), that "no lover should have the + insolence to think of being accepted at once." You will find + the passage somewhere in "<i>Fors</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>whose jaw has visibly fallen</i>). I + cannot say I recall it at this moment. Does he hold that a + lover should expect to be accepted + by—er—instalments, because, if so—</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> I think I can quote his exact words. "If she + simply doesn't like him, she may send him away for seven + years—"</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>stiffly</i>). No doubt that course is open + to her. But why seven, and where is he expected to go?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>continuing calmly</i>). "He vowing to + live on cresses and wear sackcloth meanwhile, or the like + penance."</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I feel bound to state at once that, in my own + case, my position at Somerset House would render anything of + that sort utterly impracticable.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> Wait, please,—you are so impetuous. "If + she likes him a little,"—(CULCHARD's <i>brow + relaxes</i>)—"or thinks she might come to like him in + time, she may let him stay near her,"—(CULCHARD <i>makes + a movement of relief and gratitude</i>)—"putting him + always on sharp trial, and requiring, figuratively, as many + lion-skins or giants' heads as she thinks herself worth."</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>grimly</i>). "Figuratively" is a distinct + concession on RUSKIN's part. Still, I should be glad to + know—</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> If you will have a little more patience, I + will make myself clear. I have always determined that when + the—ah—occasion presented itself, I would deal with + it on Ruskinian principles. I propose in your + case—presuming of course that you are willing to be under + vow for me—to adopt a middle course.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> You are extremely good. And what precise form + of—er—penance did you think of?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> The trial I impose is, that you leave + Constance to-morrow—with Mr. PODBURY.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>firmly</i>). If you expect me to travel + for seven years with him, permit me to mention that I simply + cannot do it. My leave expires in three weeks.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> I mentioned no term, I believe. Long before + three weeks are over we shall meet again, and I shall be able + to see how you have borne the test. I wish you to correct, if + possible, a certain intolerance in your attitude towards Mr. + PODBURY. Do you accept this probation, or not?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I—ah—suppose I have no choice. But + you really must allow me to say that it is <i>not</i> precisely + the reception I anticipated. Still, in your service, I am + willing to endure even PODBURY—for a strictly limited + period; that I <i>do</i> stipulate for.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> That, as I have already said, is quite + understood. Now go and arrange with Mr. PODBURY.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself, as he retires</i>). It is + <i>most</i> unsatisfactory; but at least PODBURY is disposed + of!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>The same Scene, a quarter of an hour later.</i> + PODBURY <i>and</i> Miss PRENDERGAST.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>with a very long face</i>). No, I + <i>say</i>, though! RUSKIN doesn't say all that?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> I am not in the habit of misquoting. If you + wish to verify the quotation, however, I daresay I could find + you the reference in <i>Fors Clavigera</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>ruefully</i>). Thanks—I won't trouble + you. Only it does seem rather rough on fellows, don't you know. + If everyone went on his plan—well, there wouldn't be many + marriages! Still, I never thought you'd say "Yes" right off. + It's like my cheek, I know, to ask you at all; you're so + awfully clever and that. And if there's a chance for me, I'm + game for anything in the way of a trial. Don't make it stiffer + than you can help, that's all!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> All I ask of you is to leave me for a short + time, and go and travel with Mr. CULCHARD again.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, I say, Miss PRENDERGAST, you know. Make it + something else. <i>Do!</i></p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> That is the task I require, and I can accept + no other. It is nothing, after all, but what you came out here + to do.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I didn't know him <i>then</i>, you see. And + what made me agree to come away with him at all is beyond me. + It was all HUGHIE ROSE's doing—he said we should get on + together like blazes. So we have—<i>very</i> like + blazes!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> Never mind that. Are you willing to accept + the trial or not?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> If you only knew what he's like when he's + nasty, you'd let me off—you would, really. But there, to + please you, I'll do it. I'll stand him as long as ever I + can—'pon my honour I will. Only you'll make it up to me + afterwards, won't you now?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> I will make no promises—a true knight + should expect no reward for his service, Mr. PODBURY.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>blankly</i>). Shouldn't he? I'm a little + new to the business, you see, and it <i>does</i> strike + me—but never mind. When am I to trot him off?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> As soon as you can induce him to + go—to-morrow, if possible.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I don't believe he'll <i>go</i>, you know, for + one thing!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>demurely</i>). I think you will find him + open to persuasion. But go and try, Mr. PODBURY.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>to himself, as he withdraws</i>). Well, + I've let myself in for a nice thing! Rummest way of treating a + proposal <i>I</i> ever heard of. I should just like to tell + that fellow RUSKIN what I think of his precious ideas. But + there's <i>one</i> thing, though—she can't care about + CULCHARD, or she wouldn't want him carted off like this.... + Hooray, I never thought of that before! Why, there he is, + dodging about to find out how <i>I've</i> got on. I'll tackle + him straight off.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>and</i> PODBURY <i>meet at the head of the + staircase, and speak at the same moment.</i></p> + </blockquote><span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" + id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span> + + <table summary="dialog"> + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>Culch.</i> Er—PODBURY it has + occurred to me that we might—</td> + + <td align="left" + rowspan="2"><font size="+5">}</font></td> + + <td align="left" + rowspan="2">leave this place to-morrow!</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>Podb.</i> I say, CULCHARD, we + really ought to—</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Hullo! we're both of one mind for once, eh? + (<i>To himself</i>.) Poor old beggar! Got the sack! That + explains a lot. Well, I won't tell him anything about this + business just now.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> So it appears. (<i>To himself</i>.) (Had his + <i>quietus</i>, evidently. Ah, well, I won't exult over + him.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They go off together to consult a + time-table.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss. P.</i> (<i>on the balcony, musing</i>). Poor + fellows! I couldn't very well say anything more definite at + present. By the time I see them again, I may understand my own + heart better. Really, it is rather an exciting sensation, + having two suitors under vow and doing penance at the same + time—and all for my sake! I hope, though, they won't + mention it to one another—or to BOB. BOB does not + understand these things, and he might— But, after all, + there are only <i>two</i> of them. And RUSKIN distinctly says + that every girl who is worth <i>anything</i> ought always to + have half-a-dozen or so. Two is really <i>quite</i> + moderate.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A TOO-ENGAGING MAIDEN'S REPLY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's kind permission.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/197-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/197-1.png" + alt="What people reckon 'a nice sort of fellow.'" /> + </a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, I read your effusion that lately got + printed,</p> + + <p class="i2">And at first never guessed there was + anything meant.</p> + + <p>But when someone suggested that something was + hinted,</p> + + <p class="i2">On your verses some time I reluctantly + spent.</p> + + <p>They are fair—and perhaps <i>you</i> consider + them clever,</p> + + <p class="i2">You're a poet, no doubt, of a + <i>minor</i> degree,</p> + + <p>But I never was startled so strangely—no, + never!</p> + + <p class="i2">As to learn that the lady you mentioned + was me!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the coolest of ways you sum up my + attractions,</p> + + <p class="i2">Pray allow me to turn my attention to + <i>you</i>.</p> + + <p>You are good, I believe, at the vulgarest + fractions,</p> + + <p class="i2">You have cheek and assurance sufficient + for two.</p> + + <p>You are what people reckon "a nice sort of + fellow,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Your sense of importance very strongly + you feel.</p> + + <p>You are bilious, you've got a complexion of + yellow,</p> + + <p class="i2">You are plainer than I am—which + says a good deal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Am I free altogether from blame in the + matter?"—</p> + + <p class="i2">And as to my frowning, I don't know the + way—</p> + + <p>Do you really imagine that insolent chatter</p> + + <p class="i2">Can affect me, or that <i>I</i> care for + what people say?</p> + + <p>With fervent adorers around by the dozen,</p> + + <p class="i2">For whom but my word is the law of their + life.</p> + + <p>Do you think I'd occasion to pitch on a cousin,</p> + + <p class="i2">And announce that <i>you</i> wanted + myself as your wife?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Do not think I am angry, I am good at forgiving,</p> + + <p class="i2">Have my constant refusals then made you + so sour?</p> + + <p>Even poets in <i>Punch</i> have to write for their + living,</p> + + <p class="i2">And must wear their poor lives out at so + much the hour.</p> + + <p>I am weary and tired of being proposed to,</p> + + <p class="i2">And at times I'm afraid it will injure my + brain,</p> + + <p>But my heart for the future yourself, mind, is + closed to,</p> + + <p class="i2">So don't, I implore, come proposing + again.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A REAL BURNING QUESTION.—What should be done with the + mischievous and malicious noodles who communicate false alarms + (to the number of 518 in one year) to the London Fire Brigade, + by means of the fire-alarm posts fixed for public convenience + and protection in the public thoroughfares? The almost + appropriate Stake is out of date, but <i>Mr. Punch</i> opines + that the Pillory would be none too bad for them.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE BULL, THE BEAR, AND THE OXUS.—Russia, it is + asserted, "intends to annex the whole of the elevated plateaus + known as the Pamirs, and all parts of Afghanistan north of a + straight line drawn from Lake Victoria to the junction of the + Kotcha River with the Oxus." JOHN BULL might say, "I should + like to Kotcha at it!"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SOME LONDON "FIENDS."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>How to Exorcise, after reading Correspondence on the + subject in several</i> "<i>Dailies</i>.")</h4> + + <h4><i>The</i> "<i>Walking-stick and Umbrella Fiend</i>."</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:31%;"> + <a href="images/197-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/197-2.png" + alt="Fiend." /></a> + </div> + + <p>Provide yourself with a steel-plated umbrella (carriage + size), with a "non-conducting" handle. When open in a shower, + where people are hurrying, let the framework bristle with sharp + penknife points. Held firmly in front of you, you will find + everyone get out of your way. In entering a crowded omnibus or + railway carriage, by touching a knob, let the heat generated by + the electric current instantly cause the whole to become + "red-hot." Dexterously moved about in front of you, you will + find this a most thoroughly protecting weapon, clearing + instantly a large space on each side of you, and even sometimes + involving the summoning of the conductor or guard, with a view + to your removal either to another compartment, or even a + general request for your expulsion from the vehicle altogether. + This may lead possibly to your enjoyment of an entire + compartment to yourself; for, of course, you will point out + that you cannot be expected to travel without your umbrella, + which, after all, happens merely to be constructed on a + newly-patented principle.</p> + + <h4><i>The</i> "<i>Hansom Cab Fiend</i>."</h4> + + <p>This is easily overcome. You have merely to employ an agent + to purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a + high-pressure boiler, and the thing is done. With practice, you + can easily get eight miles an hour out of one of these + excellent machines, and you will find a general indifference as + to the rule of the road, especially if you turn a corner or two + at a stiff pace, act as a capital "road-clearer." Even the + smartest butcher's cart will do its best to get out of your way + when it sees you coming.</p> + + <h4><i>The</i> "<i>Piano Organ, German Band, and General Street + Music Fiend</i>."</h4> + + <p>Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) + several fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of + their excessive and unbearable shrillness. Whenever any sort of + street music commences at either end of your street, turn on, + by an apparatus specially arranged in your area, the full force + of the above. This will not only overpower your would-be + tormentors, but bring every householder in the neighbourhood to + his street-door begging you to desist. You have merely to say, + "When they stop, <i>I</i> turn off," to get them to comprehend + the situation. It may possibly lead to the intervention of the + police, probably in some force; but the net result will be that + you will, for that morning, at least, enjoy a quiet street.</p> + + <p>There are other London fiends removable by various measures, + concerning which much might be said if they were not + actionable.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/197-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/197-3.png" + alt="PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN 'BREAKING IN' HIS SHOOTING-BOOTS." /> + </a>PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN "BREAKING IN" HIS + SHOOTING-BOOTS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"GRATITUDE—A SENSE OF FAVOURS TO COME."—Mr. + SWINBURNE unexpectedly says a good word for the much be-mocked + BOWDLER. "No man (he says), ever did better service to + SHAKSPEARE than the man who made it possible to put him into + the hands of intelligent and imaginative children." Can Mr. + SWINBURNE be "proticipating" the period when another BOWDLER + may be called upon to do a similar "service" for the author of + <i>Poems and Ballads?</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" + id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/198.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/198.png" + alt="FRENCH AND ENGLISH." /></a> + + <h3>FRENCH AND ENGLISH.</h3> + + <p>(<i>As zey are Spoke at ze Country 'Ouse.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Hostess</i>. "OH—ER—J'ESPAIR KER VOOS + AVVY TROOVY VOTRE—VOTRE—ER—ER—VOTRE + <i>COLLAR STUD</i>, BARRONG?"</p> + + <p><i>M. le Baron</i>. "OH, I ZANK YOU, YES! I FIND 'EEM ON + MY <i>CHEST OF TROWSERS</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"AFTER YOU!"</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["I am sure I may say, on behalf of all those whose + names are mentioned (for the Leadership of the House of + Commons), that we do not understand what selfishness is in + the Public Service. Everyone of us would prefer that + someone else should hold that high and honourable + office."—<i>Sir M. Hicks-Beach at + Stockton-on-Tees</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <center> + <i>Eminent official Altruist loquitur</i>:— + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, <i>is</i> there such a vice as unholy love of + self.</p> + + <p class="i2">In the Public Service, too? 'Tis a thing + I can't believe.</p> + + <p>If I thought we could be moved by the love of power + or pelf,</p> + + <p class="i2">To compete for premier office I should + very greatly grieve.</p> + + <p>But oh no, oh deary no! I am sure it can't be + so.</p> + + <p class="i2">We don't even "understand it," so of + course it isn't true.</p> + + <p>When we're called upon to go, each will say, all + louting low,</p> + + <p class="i4">"After <i>you</i>!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We are not "competitive," like those naughty + goddesses</p> + + <p class="i2">Who poor Paris fluttered so upon Ida's + pine-clad peak.</p> + + <p>Of his "choice"—through selfishness—that + young shepherd made a mess,</p> + + <p class="i2">But our Shepherd, SALISBURY, will not be + so wildly weak;</p> + + <p>And our claims <i>we</i> shall not urge to + compulsion's very verge,</p> + + <p class="i2">On the contrary each one thinks that + "another" best will do.</p> + + <p>"No, loved comrade" (each will say) "let me make my + 'splendid splurge'</p> + + <p class="i4">"After <i>you</i>!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Look at GOSCHEN! Can't you see he regards with + perfect glee</p> + + <p class="i2">The prospect of promotion of his faithful + friend BALFOUR.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> doesn't want to lead. Ah no, indeed, + indeed!</p> + + <p class="i2">Do you think that off friend ARTHUR + JOACHIM can wish to score?</p> + + <p>Upon the Treasury Bench did he ever try to + trench</p> + + <p class="i2">On the province of the Leader for the + time, no matter who?</p> + + <p>He would cry, "Dear ARTHUR, No! from priority I + blench,—</p> + + <p class="i4">"After <i>you</i>!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then bland BALFOUR in his turn such crude + selfishness would spurn</p> + + <p class="i2">As the wish to prove himself popular more + than soft J.G.,</p> + + <p>With a most becoming blush his pale cheek, I'm sure, + would burn,</p> + + <p class="i2">If his uncle should cry, "Come, nephew + dear, and second me!"</p> + + <p>He would hint at nepotism, and the chance of secret + schism.</p> + + <p class="i2">"Let the mild ex-Liberal lead, I will be + his henchman true!"</p> + + <p>He would cry, with selfless joy on his brow like a + pure chrism,</p> + + <p class="i4">"After <i>you</i>!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And as for simple Me! Oh, it's utter + fiddle-de-dee</p> + + <p class="i2">To suppose that I possess, or desire, the + least look in.</p> + + <p>No, selfishness, my friends, we unitedly agree</p> + + <p class="i2">In Party life is just <i>the</i> + unpardonable sin,</p> + + <p>Which "we do not understand," like that other little + game</p> + + <p class="i2">That AH-SIN, reluctant, played, with some + small success 'tis true.</p> + + <p>But <i>we</i>'ve no sleeve-hidden card as we cry, + with modest shame,</p> + + <p class="i4">"After <i>you</i>!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>WHAT'S IN A NAME?—The <i>St. James's Gazette</i> + says:—"There are forty-seven divorces in the United + States for every one in the United Kingdom." Evidently "United" + is something more than <i>anagrammatically</i> identical with + "Untied."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"GRAY'S ELEGY" AMENDED.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["I have often thought that GRAY's <i>Elegy</i> was + defective in having no verse commemorative of the + sequestered and unsophisticated philanthropy of the village + doctor."—<i>Sir James Crichton-Browne at the + Yorkshire College, Leeds.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And one lies here of whom the scoffer said,</p> + + <p class="i2">He did his best the green churchyard to + fill;</p> + + <p>None ever looks upon his lowly bed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Without the recollection of a pill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He lived sequestered, and he died unknown,</p> + + <p class="i2">A truly unsophisticated man;</p> + + <p>A medicine-glass adorns his humble stone,</p> + + <p class="i2">And thus the epitaph they graved him + ran:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Here Doctor BOLUS lies, to dose no more;</p> + + <p class="i2">His charge was moderate, but quite + enough:</p> + + <p>Death left a last prescription at the door,</p> + + <p class="i2">And then the doctor had his '<i>Quantum + suff.</i>'"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" + id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/199.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/199.png" + alt="'AFTER YOU!'" /></a> + + <h3>"AFTER YOU!"</h3>"HE BELIEVED THAT EVERYONE OF THEM + WOULD PREFER THAT SOMEONE ELSE SHOULD HOLD THAT HIGH AND + HONOURABLE OFFICE."—SIR MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH <i>at + Stockton-on-Tees</i>. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" + id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/201.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/201.png" + alt="WATER V. WINE." /></a> + + <h3>WATER V. WINE.</h3>"HOLD! ENOUGH!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HARRYING OUR HAKIMS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[A medical journal suggests that all candidates for + Medical Degrees should be required to give proof of good + handwriting, in order to put an end to indistinct + prescriptions.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A few additional requirements, we believe, have been under + consideration, of which the following are a sample:—</p> + + <p>All candidates for the M.B. Degree to be able to count up to + fifty. Candidates who are more than fifty not to count.</p> + + <p>Nobody to become a Member of the Royal College of Surgeons + until he has mastered Simple Addition and Compound + Fractures.</p> + + <p>Members of the Royal College of Physicians will henceforth + be expected to know their Weights (with boots off) and Measures + (round the waist). Troy weight only. "Scruples" not allowed. + Good knowledge of Multiplication Table indispensable for + dispensers.</p> + + <p>No candidate to be accepted for a Degree unless he either + has a good "bedside manner," or undertakes to develop one as + soon as possible.</p> + + <p>Any candidate to be at once ploughed unless he can answer + all the following questions:—</p> + + <p>1. What would you do if asked to hold a consultation with a + practitioner whom you have every reason to suppose an incapable + quack?</p> + + <p>2. If a good paying patient, suffering from no ailment + whatever, called you in with a view to getting a week's holiday + at the seaside by medical orders, how would you reconcile a + desire to oblige that pardonable weakness with a strict regard + for veracity?</p> + + <p>3. When the parents of a large family, who do their duty + manfully by calling you in about twice a week, and from whom + therefore you derive a not inconsiderable proportion of your + income, object to have an infant vaccinated at the proper time, + because they erroneously consider it to be unfit for the + operation, which would you feel inclined to + strain—friendship, or the law?</p> + + <p>4. Do you believe in Influenza?</p> + + <p>5. Have you ever seen a Microbe?</p> + + <p>6. "In the multitude of visits there is safety." Comment on + this declaration. How many visits do you think a common catarrh + will support? Give reasons.</p> + + <p>7. What is the etiquette about Red Lamps?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"HORSE AND 'RYDER'".—Last week, on the 15th, as was + reported in the <i>Globe</i>, and elsewhere, "a humble + crossing-sweeper," named RYDER, stopped a runaway cab-horse (a + great rarity this, too) just as he was about to descend + headlong the steps of the Duke of York's column, and so saved + the two passengers, who, we hope, in consideration of what he + has done for <i>their</i> lives, have settled something hansom + upon him for <i>his</i> life. If not, the proposition is here + made, and after the prop comes the RYDER.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>GHOSTLY COUNSEL.—Prizes are being offered for "Good + Ghost Stories." This may mean <i>Stories of Good Ghosts</i>; + but supplying the hyphen and supposing that the requirement is + for "Good Ghost-stories," then <i>Mr. Punch</i> makes a present + of a good title to any sanguine amateur who may compete. Let + him call his story, "A Ghost of a Chance." And <i>Mr. Punch</i> + wishes he may get it!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PENNY FOOLISH.—Somebody has published a penny <i>A B C + of Theosophy</i>. To the appeal of this Occult A B C the + enlightened public will probably be D E F.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"QUI DORT, DÎNE," ET "QUI DÎNE, DORT."—A man who "goes + nap" <i>at</i> dinner, is pretty safe to go nap immediately + <i>after</i> it.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>From Mr. Punch's Own Humourists.</i>)</h4> + + <p>It is not generally known that the Emperor of RUSSIA visited + London the other day on his way to Paris, where he is to hold + an important secret conference with the President of the + Republic and M. BLOWITZ. His Imperial Majesty's disguise was + complete, consisting as it did of an aquiline nose of + considerable size, and a secondhand gaberdine of primitive cut. + He visited the principal Music Halls of the Metropolis and left + by the last train for Surbiton, where his private yacht was in + waiting to convey him to Marseilles, and so on to Paris by the + new French canal system.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Monaco has adhered to the Triple Alliance. The negotiations + thus brought to a successful issue, have been for a long time + in progress. Obligations of honour, which no longer exist, have + hitherto compelled me, as your Correspondent, to keep secret + the fact that amongst the <i>croupiers</i> of the + <i>trente-et-quarante</i> tables at the Casino for the past + three months have been the Chancellors of the German and + Austrian Empires, and the MARCHESE DI RUDINI, who, thus + disguised, carried out their delicate mission to the Court of + Monaco. By this post I send you the draft treaty by which + Monaco engages, in the event of war, to furnish a completely + equipped contingent of ten men.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The BARON DE BOOK-WORMS arrived in town yesterday afternoon + and transacted business at his office in Bouverie Street, + afterwards returning to his country seat at + Stow-in-the-Wold.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>BROWNING SOCIETY VERSES.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Dr. FURNIVALL announces that the Browning Society is + about to be dissolved.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hark! 'tis the knell of the Browning Society,</p> + + <p class="i2">Wind-bags are bursting all round us + to-day;</p> + + <p>FURNIVALL fails, and for want of his diet he</p> + + <p class="i2">Pines like a love-stricken maiden + away.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long has he fed upon cackle and platitude,</p> + + <p class="i2">FURNIVALL sauce to a dish full of + dearth,</p> + + <p>Still, in the favourite FURNIVALL attitude,</p> + + <p class="i2">Grubbing about like a mole in the + earth.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now must he vanish, the mole-hills are flat + again,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Follies grow fewer it seems by + degrees);</p> + + <p>Lovers of BROWNING may laugh and grow fat again,</p> + + <p class="i2">Rid of the jargon of Furnivallese.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW AND OLD TERMS.—"Slate, Slite, Slote, Slitten," is + the title of an amusing article in the <i>Saturday Review</i>, + on the derivation of the verb "to slate." How "slote" comes in + is not quite evident, but that when the pages of a dull book + are "slitten" by the paper-knife, it will be read and slated by + a critic, and then "slited" (or "slighted") by the public, is + quite sufficient without "putting a penny in the 'slote'" on + the chance of getting something better.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SO LIKE HIM!—Tuesday last week was the seventieth + birthday of Professor VIRCHOW. He has refused all titles and + emoluments, observing that "VIRCHOW is its own reward."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VERY POP-ULAR!—Through the <i>Times</i> came the + information that, since the famine, the Russian Officers have + given up drinking champagne. Their conduct is really quite + Magnuminous!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" + id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/202.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/202.png" + alt="'GRANDOLPH AD LEONES.'" /></a> + + <h3>"GRANDOLPH AD LEONES."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" + id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span> + + <h2>"ADSCRIPTUS GLEBÆ."</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["He (Mr. GOSCHEN) was in favour of giving the + agricultural labourer every opportunity of becoming more + attached to the soil."—<i>Mr. Goschen at + Cambridge</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Attached to the soil! Pretty optimist phrase</p> + + <p>We are so, and have been, from <i>Gurth's</i> + simpler days,</p> + + <p>Though now platform flowers of speech—pleasant + joke!—</p> + + <p>May wreath the serf's ring till men scarce see the + yoke.</p> + + <p>Attached to the soil! The soil clings to our + souls!</p> + + <p>Young labour's scant guerdon, cold charity's + doles,</p> + + <p>The crow-scarer's pittance, the poor-house's aid</p> + + <p>All smell of it! Tramping with boots thickly + clayed</p> + + <p>From brown field or furrow, or lowered at last</p> + + <p>In our special six-feet by the sexton up-cast,</p> + + <p>We smack of the earth, till we earthy have + grown,</p> + + <p>Like the mound that Death gives us—best + friend—for our own.</p> + + <p>We tramp it, we delve it, we plough it, this + soil,</p> + + <p>And a grave is the final reward of our toil.</p> + + <p>Attached? The attachment of love is one thing,</p> + + <p>The attachment of profit another. <i>Gurth's</i> + ring</p> + + <p>Is <i>our</i> form of attachment at bottom, Sir, + still,</p> + + <p>And to favour <i>that</i> bond HODGE doubts not your + good will.</p> + + <p>But when others talk of improving our lot</p> + + <p>By possession of more than a burial plot,</p> + + <p>By pay for our toil, and by balm for our + troubles,</p> + + <p>You ban all such prospects as "radiant bubbles."</p> + + <p>Declare "under-currents of plunder" run through</p> + + <p>All plans for our aid save those favoured by + you,</p> + + <p>Attached to the soil! Ah! how many approve</p> + + <p><i>That</i> attachment, when founded on labour and + love!</p> + + <p>But about "confiscation" they chatter and fuss</p> + + <p>At all talk of attaching the soil to poor us!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>FREE AND INDEPENDENT.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Manager's Room of the Ideal Theatre. + Present—Committee of Taste.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/203-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/203-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. Now, you fellows, I think we have settled + what to do next. Carry out the notion of an afternoon + performance of the Ideal Drama. We have got the moderate + guarantee, and the good stock company, and hope to receive the + cooperation of the leading artists from other theatres. Isn't + that so?</p> + + <p><i>Auditor</i>. Yes, I can answer for the moderate + guarantee—about £20—in the bank.</p> + + <p><i>Stage Manager</i>. And the good stock company was + imported early this morning from Ireland. All very good + Shakspearian actors with a taste of a brogue to give their + remarks pungency.</p> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. That's all right. And what is the play?</p> + + <p><i>First Member of the Committee of Taste</i>. + "<i>Demons</i>," by the Master.</p> + + <p><i>Second Ditto</i>. No, let us have something newer. Why + not an adaptation (by myself) of that charming work by + SODALA—I call it <i>Blood and Thunder</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Manager</i> (<i>producing halfpenny</i>). By the rules of + the Company we toss for it. (<i>Throws up coin.</i>) + Heads!—<i>Blood and Thunder</i> wins. We will do <i>Blood + and Thunder</i>. Well, now as to casting it. Anything for + IRVING in it?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> Oh, yes—if he would play it. A + Policeman who dies by cutting his throat in Scene 1. Not the + sort of part he usually selects, but capital.</p> + + <p><i>First Mem.</i> It is not for Mr. IRVING to pick and + choose, it is the cause of Art we serve.</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> Well, yes. We might telephone and learn + his views on the subject.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Subordinate <i>takes instructions</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. All right! Ah, here we have the piece! + Rather long, but the parts seem mild enough. Who's to do this + soldier—a sort of heavy dragoon, with a cold, who dies in + the First Scene of the Second Act?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> Oh, anybody! KENDAL or FARREN; or if they + can't, then HARE or LIONEL BROUGH.</p> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. But do you think they will like it? You see + they each have their line, and—</p> + + <p><i>First Mem.</i> In the cause of Art they will be prepared + to do anything. At least, they ought to be.</p> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. Well, we will telephone to them too. + (Subordinate <i>takes further instructions</i>.) And now, how + about the Ladies?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> Oh, there are a lot of school-girls, and + a woman who dies by degrees of general paralysis. The girls, of + course will be all right with—say, Miss EMERY, Miss + LINDEN, Miss ALMA MURRAY, and Mrs. KENDAL. But we want two + people to play the woman. First Act, Miss ELLEN TERRY; second + and third, Miss GENEVIEVE WARD. To be properly played, both + should be in it.</p> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. But how will that do? I do not think that + Miss TERRY will care to—</p> + + <p><i>First Mem.</i> Nonsense! She is a most charming person, + and will do anything in the cause of Art.</p> + + <p><i>Subordinate</i> (<i>returning from telephone</i>). Beg + pardon, Gentlemen, but Messrs. KENDAL, FARREN, BROUGH and HARE + say they are very sorry, but they are not at home; and Mr. + IRVING presents his compliments, and would be delighted to do + what we wish, but he fears he will be otherwise engaged. + However, he says you have his sympathy, and his heart goes out + to you. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Manager</i>. Well, what shall we do?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> Oh, there's VEZIN, and TERRIS, and + PAULTON, and a heap more!</p> + + <p><i>Subordinate</i> (<i>returning</i>). Just heard from the + Ladies, Gentlemen, and they send their kindest regards, but + they are out too!</p> + + <p><i>Acting Manager</i> (<i>entering</i>). Well, how about the + performance?</p> + + <p><i>Members of the Council</i> (<i>together</i>). Oh, it's + nearly arranged!</p> + + <p><i>Acting Man.</i> Well, if I might suggest, as a person of + considerable experience, it doesn't matter a jot whether you + get a company together or not.</p> + + <p><i>Members</i> (<i>as before</i>). Why?</p> + + <p><i>Acting Man.</i> Because you won't get an audience!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon farther consultation.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/203-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/203-2.png" + alt="MODEST AMBITION." /></a> + + <h3>MODEST AMBITION.</h3> + + <p><i>The Squire</i> (<i>to his Eldest Son, just home from + the 'Varsity</i>). "WELL, MY BOY, AND WHAT HAVE YOU SETTLED + TO BE?"</p> + + <p><i>The Squire's Son</i>. "JUST A <i>PLAIN COUNTRY + GENTLEMAN</i> LIKE YOU, FATHER!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Theosophic Tools.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By an Opponent of Occultism.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Theosophic Boom, its wordy strife</p> + + <p class="i2">And futile fuss are fading out in + "fizzle."</p> + + <p>They talk a deal about their "<i>planes</i> of + life,"</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis plain to me the fitter term were + "chisel."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page204" + id="page204"></a>[pg 204]</span> + + <h2>POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG:</h2> + + <h3>OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS.</h3> + + <p>"A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse," says the old + saw, and a wink is no doubt as good as a smile to a purblind + ass. But the wink is indeed one of the worst uses to which the + human eye can he put. It signifies usually the vulgarisation of + humour, and the degradation of mirth. It is the favourite + eye-language of the cynical cad, the coarse jester, the + crapulous clown, and—above all—the chuckling + cheat.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/204.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/204.png" + alt="The Muse of the Music Hall." /></a> + </div> + + <p>It must be admitted, that the Muse of the Music + Hall—in her Momus mood—has a strong leaning towards + the glorification of cynical 'cuteness of the <i>Autolycus</i> + sort. It is a weakness which she seems to share with party + scribes and Colonial politicians. If she had any classic + leanings, which she has not, her favourite deity would be + Mercury, the "winking Cyllenian Argophont" of the Homeric Hymn, + the "little cradled rogue," the Apollo-cheating babe, "the lord + of those who swindle, house-break, sheep-steal and shop-lift," + under whom <i>Autolycus</i> prided himself upon having been + "littered." <i>Autolycus's</i> complacent self-gratulation, + "How bless'd are we that are not simple men!" would appeal to + the heart of the Music-hall votary. "Ha, ha! what a fool + Honesty is! and Trust his sworn brother, a very simple + gentleman" is, virtually, the burthen of dozens of the most + favourite of the Music-hall ditties.</p> + + <p>Sly-scheming Hermes "winked" knowingly at Jupiter when he + was "pitching his yarn" about the stolen oxen, and Jupiter + "according to his wont,"</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Laughed heartily to hear the subtle witted</p> + + <p>Infant give such a plausible account,</p> + + <p>And every word a lie."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>So the Music-hall Muse "winks" knowingly, and knavishly, at + her audience, and her audience "laugh heartily," in Jovian + guffaws, at her winks. What wonder then that she should + lyrically apostrophise "The Wink" in laudatory numbers?</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Say, boys, now is it quite the thing?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>she cries in sham deprecation, but all the while she "winks + the other eye" in a way her hearers quite understand. "Cabby + knows his fare," and the Music-hall Muse knows her clients. + What, we wonder, would be her reception did she really carry + out her ironically pretended protest and sing to the chuckling + cads who applaud her, the following version of her favourite + lay?</p> + + <h3>No. II.—THE WINK OF ROGUERY'S EYE.</h3> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>Wink the Other Eye</i>."</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Say, boys, whatever do men mean</p> + + <p>When they wink the other eye?</p> + + <p>Why, when "sharps" say the world is "green,"</p> + + <p>Do they wink the other eye?</p> + + <p>The Radicals and Tories both tell stories, not a + few,</p> + + <p>About Measures falsely promised, and reforms long + overdue;</p> + + <p>And when the simple Mob believes that every word is + true.</p> + + <p>Then they—wink the other eye!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.—Say, boys, now is it + quite the thing!</p> + + <p class="i6">Say, should we let them have their + fling?</p> + + <p class="i6">Ah, when they get us "on a string"</p> + + <p class="i6">Then they wink the other eye!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Say, boys are Leaders to be loved,</p> + + <p>When they wink the other eye?</p> + + <p>By artful speech the Mob is moved,</p> + + <p>Till <i>it</i> winks the other eye;</p> + + <p>The optic Wink's the language of the sly and sordid + soul,</p> + + <p>The mute freemasonry of Fraud, sign-post to + Roguery's goal.</p> + + <p>When Circe sees her votaries swine ready in sludge + to roll</p> + + <p>Then <i>she</i> winks the other eye!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.—Say, boys, <i>is</i> + it so fine a thing,</p> + + <p class="i6">Low Cunning, which Cheat's laureates + sing,</p> + + <p class="i6">The Comus of the Mart and Ring,</p> + + <p class="i6">Who—winks the other eye?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Say, boys, is Cunning's promise good,</p> + + <p>When she winks the other eye?</p> + + <p>Noodledom seeks her neighbourhood,</p> + + <p>And winks <i>its</i> other eye.</p> + + <p>For no one winks so freely as a fool who + <i>thinks</i> he's sly;</p> + + <p>The dupe of deeper knavery smirks in shallow + mimicry</p> + + <p>Of the smirking JERRY DIDDLER who is sucking him so + dry,</p> + + <p>And who winks the other eye.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.—Say, boys, now is + the Wink a thing</p> + + <p class="i6">Worthy of worship; will you fling</p> + + <p class="i6">Your caps in air for the Knave-King</p> + + <p class="i6">Who—winks the other eye?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Politician plucks his geese,</p> + + <p>Then he winks the other eye.</p> + + <p>Brazen Fraud steals Trade's Golden Fleece,</p> + + <p>Then he winks the other eye.</p> + + <p><i>Autolycus</i> pipes ballads; public pockets are + his aim;</p> + + <p><i>Rabagas</i> raves of "liberty"; advancement is + his game;</p> + + <p>And when their dupes aren't looking all these rogues + do just the same,</p> + + <p>They—wink the other eye!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.—Say, boys, pæans + will you sing</p> + + <p class="i6">To winking harpies all a-wing</p> + + <p class="i6">To prey on fools; who steal, and + sting,</p> + + <p class="i6">And—wink the other eye?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wisdom may smile, but Cunning can't,</p> + + <p>She winks the other eye.</p> + + <p>Humour shall chortle, Mockery shan't,</p> + + <p>She winks the other eye.</p> + + <p>The stars above us twinkle and the dews beneath us + blink,</p> + + <p>All the eyes of Nature sparkle, and from merriment + do not shrink,</p> + + <p>The Language of the Eye of Cynic Knavery + is—the Wink!</p> + + <p><i>Roguery</i> "winks the other eye!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.—Say, boys, is it + quite the thing?</p> + + <p class="i6">"Ducdàme"<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> + to fools the Diddlers sing;</p> + + <p class="i6">Trust me 'tis Rascals in a Ring</p> + + <p class="i6">Who wink the other eye!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Amiens</i>. What's that "ducdàme"?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Jaques</i>. 'Tis a Greek invocation to call + fools into a circle.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">"<i>As You Like It</i>," <i>Act II., Sc. + 5.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE EVOLUTION OF TOMMY'S PRIVATE-SCHOOL REPORT.</h2> + + <p>1. <i>A rough draught, written by the under-master, who + certainly has had rather a trying week with</i> TOMMY.</p> + + <p>"I am unable to speak highly of either his intelligence or + his industry; but occasionally he works well, and has + undoubtedly made some progress this term. His conduct is not + always good."</p> + + <p>2. <i>Second rough draught</i>; TOMMY <i>in the meantime has + missed a repetition and accidentally knocked down the + black-board.</i></p> + + <p>"Exceptionally stupid and idle. Cannot be said to have made + any progress whatever this term, although he has had every + effort made with him. His conduct is abominable, noisy and + unruly in the extreme."</p> + + <p>3. <i>Fair copy to be submitted to the principal; of + course</i>, TOMMY <i>had not intended to be overheard when he + spoke of the under-master as</i> "<i>Old Pig-face</i>," <i>but + this is the result.</i></p> + + <p>"A more idle and utterly worthless boy it has never been my + misfortune to teach. Seems to have gone steadily backward all + the term. Is most objectionable in his manners, and has no + sense of honour."</p> + + <p>4. <i>Fair copy, as amended by the principal; how was</i> + TOMMY <i>to know that stone would break the conservatory + window, and drive the principal to alter the report to + this?</i></p> + + <p>"Would be better suited in a reformatory than in a school of + this standing. Utterly depraved, vicious and idle, with marked + criminal instincts. In intellect verges on the imbecile. Unless + there is a marked improvement next term, I cannot keep + him."</p> + + <p>5. <i>Principal's final copy; it</i> was <i>fortunate + that</i> TOMMY <i>happened to remark that he had four cousins + who were, perhaps, coming next term. One can't lose four + pupils, even if it makes it necessary to write like + this.</i></p> + + <p>"A singularly bright and high-spirited boy; a little given + to mischief, as all boys are, but quite amenable to discipline. + My assistant speaks most highly of his progress this term, and + of his general intelligence. He seems well suited by our + system. His conduct is, on the whole, admirable. He is truthful + and conscientious."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>COUPLET BY A CYNIC.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Poetry does not sell!" cry plaintive pleaders.</p> + + <p>Alas! most modern Poetry <i>does</i>—its + readers!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. October 24, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 15, 2004 [EBook #14057] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +October 24, 1891. + + + + +LAISSEZ FAIRE. + +(_INSCRIPTION FOR A FREE PUBLIC LIBRARY._) + +[Illustration] + + Here is an Institution doomed to scare + The furious devotees of _Laissez Faire_. + What mental shock, indeed, could prove immenser + To Mumbo Jumbo--or to HERBERT SPENCER? + Free Books? Reading provided from the Rates? + Oh, that means Freedom's ruin, and the State's! + Self-help's all right,--e'en if you rob a brother-- + But human creatures must _not_ help each other! + The "Self-made Man," whom SAMUEL SMILES so praises, + Who on his fellows' necks his footing raises, + The systematic "Sweater," who sucks wealth + From toiling crowds by cunning and by stealth,-- + _He_ is all right, _he_ has no maudlin twist, + _He_ does not shock the Individualist! + But rate yourselves to give the poor free reading? + The Pelican to warm her nestlings bleeding, + Was no such monument of feeble folly. + _Let folks alone_, and all will then be jolly. + Let the poor perish, let the ignorant sink, + The tempted tumble, and the drunkard drink! + Let--no, _don't_ let the low-born robber rob, + Because,--well, that would rather spoil the job. + If footpad-freedom brooked no interference, + Of Capital there might be a great clearance; + But, Wealth well-guarded, let all else alone. + 'Tis thus our race hath to true manhood grown: + To make the general good the common care, + Breaks through the sacred law of _Laissez Faire_! + + * * * * * + +A REMONSTRANCE. + +_TO LUKE'S LITTLE SUMMER._ + +[Illustration] + + Ah, Summer! now thy wayward race is run, + With soft, appeasing smiles thou com'st, like one + Who keeps a pageant waiting all the day, + Till half the guests and all the joy is gone, + And hearts are heavy that awoke so gay. + + What though the faithful trees, still gladly green, + Show fretted depths of blue their boughs between, + Though placid sunlight sleeps upon the lawn, + It only tells us of what might have been + Of fickle favours wantonly withdrawn. + + Blown with rude winds, and beaten down with rain, + How can the roses dare to trust again + The tricksy mistress whom they once adored? + Even the glad heaven, chilled with stormy stain, + Grudges its skylark pilgrims of its hoard. + + Poor is the vintage that the wild bee quiffs, + When the tall simple lilies--the giraffes + That browse on loftier air than other flowers-- + When all the blooms, wherewith late Summer laughs, + Like chidden children droop among the bowers. + + Oft like a moorhen scuttling to the reeds, + The cricket-ball sped o'er the plashy meads, + And rainbow-blended blazers shrank and ran + When showers, in mockery of his moist needs, + Half-drown'd the water-loving river man. + + What woman's rights have crazed thee? + Would'st thou be + A Winter Amazon, more fierce than he? + Can Summer birds thy shrew-heroics sing? + Wilt tend no more the daisies on the lea, + Nor wake thy cowslips up on May morning? + + What, shall we brew us possets by the fire + And let the wild rose shiver on the brier. + The cowslip tremble in the meadows chill, + While thy unlovely battle-call wails higher + And dusty squadrons charge adown the hill? + + It is too late; thou art no love of mine; + I answer not this sigh, this kiss divine; + The sunlight penitently streaming down + Shines through the paling leaf like thinnest wine + Quaff'd in the clear air of a mountain town. + + Farewell! For old love's sake I kiss thy hands; + Go on thy way; away to other lands + That love thee less, and need thee less than we; + Pour out thy passion on some desert sands, + Forget thy lover of the Northern Sea. + + Away with fond pretence; let winter come + With snow that strikes the heaviest footfall dumb. + We know the worst, and face his rage with glee; + And, though the world without be ne'er so glum, + Sit by the hearth, and dream and talk--of thee. + + Yes, come again with earliest April; stay, + Thyself once more, through the fair time when day + Clasps hand with day, through the brief hush of night-- + A twilight bower of roses, where in play + Dance little maidens through from light to light. + + * * * * * + +BIRDS OF A FEATHER. + + [Lord HAWKE's team of Cricketers were beaten at Manheim by + the Philadelphians by eight wickets whereat the _Philadelphia + Ledger_ cockadoodles considerably. The Britishers, however, + won the return match somewhat easily.] + + The Yankee Eagle well might squeal and squawk + At having licked the British bird (Lord) HAWKE. + But when that HAWKE his brood had "pulled together," + That Eagle found it yet might "moult a feather." + Go it, ye friendly-fighting fowls! But know + 'Tis only "Roosters" who o'er conquest _crow_! + + * * * * * + +HOME SWEET HOME! + +(_BY ONE WHO BELIEVES THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE IT._) + +[Illustration] + + Sweet to return (for home the Briton hankers, + After an exile of two months or so, + Swiss or Italian). Sweet--to find your Banker's + Balance getting low. + + Sweet to return from Como or Sorrento. + Meshed in their shimmering net of drowsy sheen, + Into a climate that you know not when to + Really call serene. + + Sweet to return from hostelries whose waiters + Rush to fulfil your slightest word or whim, + Back to a cook who passionately caters + Not for you, but _him_. + + Sweet to return from _Table-d'Hotes_ disgusting + (Oh, how you grumbled at the _Sauce Romaine_!) + Fresh to the filmy succulence incrusting + Solid joints again. + + Sweet to return from Innkeepers demurely + Pricing your candle at a franc unshamed, + Back to a land where perquisites are surely + Never, never claimed. + + Sweet to return from bargaining, disputing, + _Pourboires_ and _Trinkgelds_ grudgingly bestowed-- + Unto the simple charioteers of Tooting, + Or the Cromwell Road. + + Sweet to return from "all those dreadful tourists," + Such mixed society as chance allots, + E'en to the social splendour of the purists + Of those sparkling spots. + + Sweet to return to bills and fogs and duty! + (Some of the latter at our Custom House) + Sweet, after smaller game, to hail the beauty + Of the British mouse! + + Sweet too the sight of cockchafer; and sweet'll + Welcome the pilgrim, doomed too long to roam, + England's tried sentinel, the black, black beetle + With his "Home, sweet Home!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LONDON'S DILEMMA; OR, "FAIR ROSAMOND" UP TO DATE. + +(_Lately-discovered Fragments of a valuable and interesting "Variant" +of the old Ballad Story._)] + + * * * * * + + When as VICTORIA rulde this land, + The firste of that greate name, + Faire Loundonne, of the cockneyes lovde, + Attaynd to power and fame. + + Most peerlesse was her splendoure founde, + Her favour, and her face; + Yet was there one thing marred her weale, + And wroughte her dire disgrace. + + Her dower was all that showered golde, + Like Danae's, could her lende, + Yet dwelt she in the ogreish holde + Of fell and fearsome fiende. + + Yea Loundonne Towne, faire Loundonne Towne, + Her name was called so, + To whom the Witch Monopolie + Was known a deadlye foe. + + * * * * * + + Now when ye Countie Councile woke, + And FARRER rose to fame, + With envious heart Monopolie + To Loundonne straightway came. + + "Cast off from thee those schemes," said she, + "That greate and costlye bee, + And drinke thou up this deadlye cup, + Which I have brought to thee!" + + "Take pitty on my awkward plight!" + Faire Loundonne she dyd crye, + "And lett me not with poison stronge + Enforced be to dye!" + + Then out and laught that wicked Witch: + "If that you will not drinke, + This dagger choose! Though you be riche, + You'll shrinke from _that_, I thinke." + + The dagger was a magic blayde, + With figures graven o'er, + Which, as you gazed thereon, did seeme + To growe to more and more. + + "Nay," quothe faire Loundonne, "'tis but choyce + 'Twixt dyvill and deepe sea! + I praye thee take thyself awaye, + And leave the jobbe to me!" + + But nothynge could this grasping Witch + Therewith appeased be. + The cup of deadlye poison stronge, + As she knelt on her knee, + + She gave this comely dame to drinke, + Who tooke it in her hande, + Then from her bended knees arose, + And on her feet did stande. + + And casting Council-wards her eyes, + She did for rescue call, + When--[_Fragmentes further may be founde,_ + _At presente thys is alle!_ + + _If close researche, as welle we hope,_ + _Perchaunce complete ye texte,_ + _This ballade, as scribes saye, shall be_ + _"Continued in our next!"_] + + * * * * * + +ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. + +[Illustration] + +Wanted, a few good extra Judges, who will be prepared to do all the +work at present delayed or neglected by the existing members of the +Bench. They will be expected to dispense with all vacations except a +week at Christmas, five days at Easter, and a fortnight from the first +to the fifteenth of October. They will devote their entire time to the +service of the State, both day and night. Their day will be devoted to +business in the High Court of Justice in the Strand, and when required +they will go Circuit (by special express) sitting at the various +assizes from 9 P.M. until 3 A.M., returning to London by trains timed +to reach the Metropolis sufficiently early to allow of the usual +morning sitting. They will be further required to consider their +leisure (if any) entirely at the disposal of those members of the +Bar and Solicitors who require it. If they do this punctually and +diligently, without knocking up, they will be permitted to draw +salaries computed at the rate of about one-third of the emoluments +received by a third-rate Queen's Counsel; and if they grow lazy, or +are incapacitated by illness, they will be rewarded by a number of +personal attacks in the London newspapers. Applications to be sent +to the Lord Chancellor (endorsed "Extra Judges to suppress outside +clamour") as early as possible. Every candidate for an appointment +will be expected to be as strong as a horse, and as insensible to +feeling as the back of a rhinoceros. + + * * * * * + +Big Drinkers, Moderate Drinkers, and Little Drinkers--this is the +Tipple Alliance! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 3. + +WHEN HIS DENTIST _WILL_ SUSPEND OPERATIONS TO TELL HIM FUNNY STORIES.] + + * * * * * + +GILBERT A BECKETT. + +BORN, APRIL 7, 1837. DIED, OCT. 15, 1891. + + "Wearing the white flower of a blameless life." + +TENNYSON. + + GILBERT the Good! Title, though high, well earned + By him through whose rare nature brightly burned + The fire of purity, + Undimmed, unflickering, like some altar flame + Sky-pointing ever. Friend, what thought of blame + Hath coldest heart for thee? + + A knightly-priest or priestly-knight wert thou, + Man of the radiant eye and reverent brow; + Chivalry closely knit + With fervent faith in thee indeed were blent; + Thought upon high ideals still intent, + And a most lambent wit. + + Serene, though with a power of scathing scorn + For all things mean or base. Sorrow long borne, + Though bowing, soured not thee. + Bereaved, health-broken, still that patient smile + Wreathed the pale lips which never greed or guile + Shaped to hypocrisy. + + A saintly-hearted wit, a satirist pure, + Mover of mirth spontaneous as sure, + And innocent as mad; + Incongruous freak and frolic phantasy + Were thy familiar spirits, quickening glee + And wakening laughter glad. + + Dainty as _Ariel_, yet as _Puck_ profuse + Of the "preposterous," was that wit, whose use + Was ever held "within + The limits of becoming mirth." His whim + Never shy delicacy's glance could dim, + Or move the cynic grin. + + But that fate's hampering hand lay on him long + He might have won in drama and in song + A more enduring name. + But he is gone, the gentle, loyal, just, + Whence all these things fall earthward with the dust + Of fleeting earthly fame. + + Gone from our hoard, gone from the home he loved! + With what compassion are his comrades moved + For those who sit alone + With memories of him! Gracious memories all! + A thought to lighten, like that flower, his pall, + And hush love's troubled moan. + + Farewell, fine spirit! To be owned thy friend + Was something to illume the unwelcome end + Of comradeship below. + A loving memory long our board will grace, + In fancy, with that sweet ascetic face. + That brow's benignant glow. + + * * * * * + +RHYME AT RHYL. + +(_BY A LISTENING LAYMAN._) + + If Cleric Congresses could only care + A little less for the mere Church and Steeple, + Parochial pomp and power in lion's share, + And have one aim--to purify the People, + They need not shrink from Disestablishment, + Or any other secular enormity; + Unselfish love of Man destroys Dissent, + True Charity provokes no Nonconformity. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XI. + + SCENE--_A Balcony outside the Musik-Saal of the Insel Hotel, + Constance. Miss PRENDERGAST is seated; CULCHARD is leaning + against the railing close by. It is about nine; the moon has + risen, big and yellow, behind the mountains at the further + end of the lake; small black boats are shooting in and out of + her track upon the water; the beat of the steamers' paddles + is heard as they come into harbour. CULCHARD has just + proposed._ + +_Miss Prendergast_ (_after a silence_). I have always felt very +strongly with RUSKIN, that no girl should have the cruelty to refuse a +proposal-- + +_Culchard_ (_with alacrity_). RUSKIN is always so right. +And--er--where there is such complete sympathy in tastes and ideas, as +I venture to think exists in our own case, the cruelty would-- + +[Illustration: "It does seem rather rough on fellows, don't you +know."] + +_Miss P._ Pray allow me to finish! "Refuse a proposal _at once_" is +RUSKIN's expression. He also says (if my memory does not betray me), +that "no lover should have the insolence to think of being accepted at +once." You will find the passage somewhere in "_Fors_." + +_Culch._ (_whose jaw has visibly fallen_). I cannot say I recall it +at this moment. Does he hold that a lover should expect to be accepted +by--er--instalments, because, if so-- + +_Miss P._ I think I can quote his exact words. "If she simply doesn't +like him, she may send him away for seven years--" + +_Culch._ (_stiffly_). No doubt that course is open to her. But why +seven, and where is he expected to go? + +_Miss P._ (_continuing calmly_). "He vowing to live on cresses and +wear sackcloth meanwhile, or the like penance." + +_Culch._ I feel bound to state at once that, in my own case, my +position at Somerset House would render anything of that sort utterly +impracticable. + +_Miss P._ Wait, please,--you are so impetuous. "If she likes him a +little,"--(_CULCHARD's brow relaxes_)--"or thinks she might come to +like him in time, she may let him stay near her,"--(_CULCHARD makes +a movement of relief and gratitude_)--"putting him always on sharp +trial, and requiring, figuratively, as many lion-skins or giants' +heads as she thinks herself worth." + +_Culch._ (_grimly_). "Figuratively" is a distinct concession on +RUSKIN's part. Still, I should be glad to know-- + +_Miss P._ If you will have a little more patience, I will make myself +clear. I have always determined that when the--ah--occasion presented +itself, I would deal with it on Ruskinian principles. I propose in +your case--presuming of course that you are willing to be under vow +for me--to adopt a middle course. + +_Culch._ You are extremely good. And what precise form of--er--penance +did you think of? + +_Miss P._ The trial I impose is, that you leave Constance +to-morrow--with Mr. PODBURY. + +_Culch._ (_firmly_). If you expect me to travel for seven years with +him, permit me to mention that I simply cannot do it. My leave expires +in three weeks. + +_Miss P._ I mentioned no term, I believe. Long before three weeks +are over we shall meet again, and I shall be able to see how you +have borne the test. I wish you to correct, if possible, a certain +intolerance in your attitude towards Mr. PODBURY. Do you accept this +probation, or not? + +_Culch._ I--ah--suppose I have no choice. But you really must allow me +to say that it is _not_ precisely the reception I anticipated. Still, +in your service, I am willing to endure even PODBURY--for a strictly +limited period; that I _do_ stipulate for. + +_Miss P._ That, as I have already said, is quite understood. Now go +and arrange with Mr. PODBURY. + +_Culch._ (_to himself, as he retires_). It is _most_ unsatisfactory; +but at least PODBURY is disposed of! + + _The same Scene, a quarter of an hour later. PODBURY and + Miss PRENDERGAST._ + +_Podbury_ (_with a very long face_). No, I _say_, though! RUSKIN +doesn't say all that? + +_Miss P._ I am not in the habit of misquoting. If you wish to verify +the quotation, however, I daresay I could find you the reference in +_Fors Clavigera_. + +_Podb._ (_ruefully_). Thanks--I won't trouble you. Only it does seem +rather rough on fellows, don't you know. If everyone went on his +plan--well, there wouldn't be many marriages! Still, I never thought +you'd say "Yes" right off. It's like my cheek, I know, to ask you at +all; you're so awfully clever and that. And if there's a chance for +me, I'm game for anything in the way of a trial. Don't make it stiffer +than you can help, that's all! + +_Miss P._ All I ask of you is to leave me for a short time, and go and +travel with Mr. CULCHARD again. + +_Podb._ Oh, I say, Miss PRENDERGAST, you know. Make it something else. +_Do!_ + +_Miss P._ That is the task I require, and I can accept no other. It is +nothing, after all, but what you came out here to do. + +_Podb._ I didn't know him _then_, you see. And what made me agree +to come away with him at all is beyond me. It was all HUGHIE +ROSE's doing--he said we should get on together like blazes. So we +have--_very_ like blazes! + +_Miss P._ Never mind that. Are you willing to accept the trial or not? + +_Podb._ If you only knew what he's like when he's nasty, you'd let +me off--you would, really. But there, to please you, I'll do it. I'll +stand him as long as ever I can--'pon my honour I will. Only you'll +make it up to me afterwards, won't you now? + +_Miss P._ I will make no promises--a true knight should expect no +reward for his service, Mr. PODBURY. + +_Podb._ (_blankly_). Shouldn't he? I'm a little new to the business, +you see, and it _does_ strike me--but never mind. When am I to trot +him off? + +_Miss P._ As soon as you can induce him to go--to-morrow, if possible. + +_Podb._ I don't believe he'll _go_, you know, for one thing! + +_Miss P._ (_demurely_). I think you will find him open to persuasion. +But go and try, Mr. PODBURY. + +_Podb._ (_to himself, as he withdraws_). Well, I've let myself in for +a nice thing! Rummest way of treating a proposal _I_ ever heard of. +I should just like to tell that fellow RUSKIN what I think of his +precious ideas. But there's _one_ thing, though--she can't care about +CULCHARD, or she wouldn't want him carted off like this.... Hooray, I +never thought of that before! Why, there he is, dodging about to find +out how _I've_ got on. I'll tackle him straight off. + + [_CULCHARD and PODBURY meet at the head of the staircase, + and speak at the same moment._ + +_Culch._ Er--PODBURY it has } +occurred to me that we might-- } + } leave this place to-morrow! +_Podb._ I say, CULCHARD, we } +really ought to-- } + +_Podb._ Hullo! we're both of one mind for once, eh? (_To himself_.) +Poor old beggar! Got the sack! That explains a lot. Well, I won't tell +him anything about this business just now. + +_Culch._ So it appears. (_To himself_.) (Had his _quietus_, evidently. +Ah, well, I won't exult over him. + + [_They go off together to consult a time-table._ + +_Miss. P._ (_on the balcony, musing_). Poor fellows! I couldn't very +well say anything more definite at present. By the time I see them +again, I may understand my own heart better. Really, it is rather an +exciting sensation, having two suitors under vow and doing penance at +the same time--and all for my sake! I hope, though, they won't mention +it to one another--or to BOB. BOB does not understand these things, +and he might-- But, after all, there are only _two_ of them. And +RUSKIN distinctly says that every girl who is worth _anything_ ought +always to have half-a-dozen or so. Two is really _quite_ moderate. + + * * * * * + +A TOO-ENGAGING MAIDEN'S REPLY. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S KIND PERMISSION._) + +[Illustration] + + Yes, I read your effusion that lately got printed, + And at first never guessed there was anything meant. + But when someone suggested that something was hinted, + On your verses some time I reluctantly spent. + They are fair--and perhaps _you_ consider them clever, + You're a poet, no doubt, of a _minor_ degree, + But I never was startled so strangely--no, never! + As to learn that the lady you mentioned was me! + + In the coolest of ways you sum up my attractions, + Pray allow me to turn my attention to _you_. + You are good, I believe, at the vulgarest fractions, + You have cheek and assurance sufficient for two. + You are what people reckon "a nice sort of fellow," + Your sense of importance very strongly you feel. + You are bilious, you've got a complexion of yellow, + You are plainer than I am--which says a good deal. + + "Am I free altogether from blame in the matter?"-- + And as to my frowning, I don't know the way-- + Do you really imagine that insolent chatter + Can affect me, or that _I_ care for what people say? + With fervent adorers around by the dozen, + For whom but my word is the law of their life. + Do you think I'd occasion to pitch on a cousin, + And announce that _you_ wanted myself as your wife? + + Do not think I am angry, I am good at forgiving, + Have my constant refusals then made you so sour? + Even poets in _Punch_ have to write for their living, + And must wear their poor lives out at so much the hour. + I am weary and tired of being proposed to, + And at times I'm afraid it will injure my brain, + But my heart for the future yourself, mind, is closed to, + So don't, I implore, come proposing again. + + * * * * * + +A REAL BURNING QUESTION.--What should be done with the mischievous and +malicious noodles who communicate false alarms (to the number of 518 +in one year) to the London Fire Brigade, by means of the fire-alarm +posts fixed for public convenience and protection in the public +thoroughfares? The almost appropriate Stake is out of date, but _Mr. +Punch_ opines that the Pillory would be none too bad for them. + + * * * * * + +THE BULL, THE BEAR, AND THE OXUS.--Russia, it is asserted, "intends to +annex the whole of the elevated plateaus known as the Pamirs, and all +parts of Afghanistan north of a straight line drawn from Lake Victoria +to the junction of the Kotcha River with the Oxus." JOHN BULL might +say, "I should like to Kotcha at it!" + + * * * * * + +SOME LONDON "FIENDS." + +(_HOW TO EXORCISE, AFTER READING CORRESPONDENCE ON THE SUBJECT IN +SEVERAL "DAILIES."_) + +_THE "WALKING-STICK AND UMBRELLA FIEND."_ + +[Illustration] + +Provide yourself with a steel-plated umbrella (carriage size), with +a "non-conducting" handle. When open in a shower, where people are +hurrying, let the framework bristle with sharp penknife points. Held +firmly in front of you, you will find everyone get out of your way. +In entering a crowded omnibus or railway carriage, by touching a knob, +let the heat generated by the electric current instantly cause the +whole to become "red-hot." Dexterously moved about in front of you, +you will find this a most thoroughly protecting weapon, clearing +instantly a large space on each side of you, and even sometimes +involving the summoning of the conductor or guard, with a view to your +removal either to another compartment, or even a general request for +your expulsion from the vehicle altogether. This may lead possibly to +your enjoyment of an entire compartment to yourself; for, of course, +you will point out that you cannot be expected to travel without your +umbrella, which, after all, happens merely to be constructed on a +newly-patented principle. + +_THE "HANSOM CAB FIEND."_ + +This is easily overcome. You have merely to employ an agent to +purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a high-pressure +boiler, and the thing is done. With practice, you can easily get eight +miles an hour out of one of these excellent machines, and you will +find a general indifference as to the rule of the road, especially +if you turn a corner or two at a stiff pace, act as a capital +"road-clearer." Even the smartest butcher's cart will do its best to +get out of your way when it sees you coming. + +_THE "PIANO ORGAN, GERMAN BAND, AND GENERAL STREET MUSIC FIEND."_ + +Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) several +fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of their excessive and +unbearable shrillness. Whenever any sort of street music commences at +either end of your street, turn on, by an apparatus specially +arranged in your area, the full force of the above. This will not only +overpower your would-be tormentors, but bring every householder in +the neighbourhood to his street-door begging you to desist. You +have merely to say, "When they stop, _I_ turn off," to get them to +comprehend the situation. It may possibly lead to the intervention of +the police, probably in some force; but the net result will be that +you will, for that morning, at least, enjoy a quiet street. + +There are other London fiends removable by various measures, +concerning which much might be said if they were not actionable. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN "BREAKING IN" HIS +SHOOTING-BOOTS.] + + * * * * * + +"GRATITUDE--A SENSE OF FAVOURS TO COME."--Mr. SWINBURNE unexpectedly +says a good word for the much be-mocked BOWDLER. "No man (he says), +ever did better service to SHAKSPEARE than the man who made it +possible to put him into the hands of intelligent and imaginative +children." Can Mr. SWINBURNE be "proticipating" the period when +another BOWDLER may be called upon to do a similar "service" for the +author of _Poems and Ballads?_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRENCH AND ENGLISH. + +(_As zey are Spoke at ze Country 'Ouse._) + +_Hostess_. "OH--ER--J'ESPAIR KER VOOS AVVY TROOVY +VOTRE--VOTRE--ER--ER--VOTRE _COLLAR STUD_, BARRONG?" + +_M. le Baron_. "OH, I ZANK YOU, YES! I FIND 'EEM ON MY _CHEST OF +TROWSERS_!"] + + * * * * * + +"AFTER YOU!" + + ["I am sure I may say, on behalf of all those whose names are + mentioned (for the Leadership of the House of Commons), + that we do not understand what selfishness is in the Public + Service. Everyone of us would prefer that someone else should + hold that high and honourable office."--_Sir M. Hicks-Beach at + Stockton-on-Tees_.] + +_Eminent official Altruist loquitur_:-- + + Oh, _is_ there such a vice as unholy love of self. + In the Public Service, too? 'Tis a thing I can't believe. + If I thought we could be moved by the love of power or pelf, + To compete for premier office I should very greatly grieve. + But oh no, oh deary no! I am sure it can't be so. + We don't even "understand it," so of course it isn't true. + When we're called upon to go, each will say, all louting low, + "After _you_!" + + We are not "competitive," like those naughty goddesses + Who poor Paris fluttered so upon Ida's pine-clad peak. + Of his "choice"--through selfishness--that young shepherd made a mess, + But our Shepherd, SALISBURY, will not be so wildly weak; + And our claims _we_ shall not urge to compulsion's very verge, + On the contrary each one thinks that "another" best will do. + "No, loved comrade" (each will say) "let me make my 'splendid splurge' + "After _you_!" + + Look at GOSCHEN! Can't you see he regards with perfect glee + The prospect of promotion of his faithful friend BALFOUR. + _He_ doesn't want to lead. Ah no, indeed, indeed! + Do you think that off friend ARTHUR JOACHIM can wish to score? + Upon the Treasury Bench did he ever try to trench + On the province of the Leader for the time, no matter who? + He would cry, "Dear ARTHUR, No! from priority I blench,-- + "After _you_!" + + Then bland BALFOUR in his turn such crude selfishness would spurn + As the wish to prove himself popular more than soft J.G., + With a most becoming blush his pale cheek, I'm sure, would burn, + If his uncle should cry, "Come, nephew dear, and second me!" + He would hint at nepotism, and the chance of secret schism. + "Let the mild ex-Liberal lead, I will be his henchman true!" + He would cry, with selfless joy on his brow like a pure chrism, + "After _you_!" + + And as for simple Me! Oh, it's utter fiddle-de-dee + To suppose that I possess, or desire, the least look in. + No, selfishness, my friends, we unitedly agree + In Party life is just _the_ unpardonable sin, + Which "we do not understand," like that other little game + That AH-SIN, reluctant, played, with some small success 'tis true. + But _we_'ve no sleeve-hidden card as we cry, with modest shame, + "After _you_!" + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME?--The _St. James's Gazette_ says:--"There are +forty-seven divorces in the United States for every one in the United +Kingdom." Evidently "United" is something more than _anagrammatically_ +identical with "Untied." + + * * * * * + +"GRAY'S ELEGY" AMENDED. + + ["I have often thought that GRAY's _Elegy_ was defective + in having no verse commemorative of the sequestered and + unsophisticated philanthropy of the village doctor."--_Sir + James Crichton-Browne at the Yorkshire College, Leeds._] + + And one lies here of whom the scoffer said, + He did his best the green churchyard to fill; + None ever looks upon his lowly bed, + Without the recollection of a pill. + + He lived sequestered, and he died unknown, + A truly unsophisticated man; + A medicine-glass adorns his humble stone, + And thus the epitaph they graved him ran: + + "Here Doctor BOLUS lies, to dose no more; + His charge was moderate, but quite enough: + Death left a last prescription at the door, + And then the doctor had his '_Quantum suff._'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AFTER YOU!" + +"HE BELIEVED THAT EVERYONE OF THEM WOULD PREFER THAT SOMEONE ELSE +SHOULD HOLD THAT HIGH AND HONOURABLE OFFICE."--SIR MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH +_at Stockton-on-Tees_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WATER V. WINE. "HOLD! ENOUGH!"] + + * * * * * + +HARRYING OUR HAKIMS. + + [A medical journal suggests that all candidates for Medical + Degrees should be required to give proof of good handwriting, + in order to put an end to indistinct prescriptions.] + +A few additional requirements, we believe, have been under +consideration, of which the following are a sample:-- + +All candidates for the M.B. Degree to be able to count up to fifty. +Candidates who are more than fifty not to count. + +Nobody to become a Member of the Royal College of Surgeons until he +has mastered Simple Addition and Compound Fractures. + +Members of the Royal College of Physicians will henceforth be expected +to know their Weights (with boots off) and Measures (round the +waist). Troy weight only. "Scruples" not allowed. Good knowledge of +Multiplication Table indispensable for dispensers. + +No candidate to be accepted for a Degree unless he either has a good +"bedside manner," or undertakes to develop one as soon as possible. + +Any candidate to be at once ploughed unless he can answer all the +following questions:-- + +1. What would you do if asked to hold a consultation with a +practitioner whom you have every reason to suppose an incapable quack? + +2. If a good paying patient, suffering from no ailment whatever, +called you in with a view to getting a week's holiday at the seaside +by medical orders, how would you reconcile a desire to oblige that +pardonable weakness with a strict regard for veracity? + +3. When the parents of a large family, who do their duty manfully +by calling you in about twice a week, and from whom therefore you +derive a not inconsiderable proportion of your income, object to have +an infant vaccinated at the proper time, because they erroneously +consider it to be unfit for the operation, which would you feel +inclined to strain--friendship, or the law? + +4. Do you believe in Influenza? + +5. Have you ever seen a Microbe? + +6. "In the multitude of visits there is safety." Comment on this +declaration. How many visits do you think a common catarrh will +support? Give reasons. + +7. What is the etiquette about Red Lamps? + + * * * * * + +"HORSE AND 'RYDER'".--Last week, on the 15th, as was reported in the +_Globe_, and elsewhere, "a humble crossing-sweeper," named RYDER, +stopped a runaway cab-horse (a great rarity this, too) just as he was +about to descend headlong the steps of the Duke of York's column, and +so saved the two passengers, who, we hope, in consideration of what he +has done for _their_ lives, have settled something hansom upon him for +_his_ life. If not, the proposition is here made, and after the prop +comes the RYDER. + + * * * * * + +GHOSTLY COUNSEL.--Prizes are being offered for "Good Ghost Stories." +This may mean _Stories of Good Ghosts_; but supplying the hyphen and +supposing that the requirement is for "Good Ghost-stories," then _Mr. +Punch_ makes a present of a good title to any sanguine amateur who +may compete. Let him call his story, "A Ghost of a Chance." And _Mr. +Punch_ wishes he may get it! + + * * * * * + +PENNY FOOLISH.--Somebody has published a penny _A B C of Theosophy_. +To the appeal of this Occult A B C the enlightened public will +probably be D E F. + + * * * * * + +"QUI DORT, DINE," ET "QUI DINE, DORT."--A man who "goes nap" _at_ +dinner, is pretty safe to go nap immediately _after_ it. + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +(_FROM MR. PUNCH'S OWN HUMOURISTS._) + +It is not generally known that the Emperor of RUSSIA visited London +the other day on his way to Paris, where he is to hold an important +secret conference with the President of the Republic and M. BLOWITZ. +His Imperial Majesty's disguise was complete, consisting as it did of +an aquiline nose of considerable size, and a secondhand gaberdine of +primitive cut. He visited the principal Music Halls of the Metropolis +and left by the last train for Surbiton, where his private yacht was +in waiting to convey him to Marseilles, and so on to Paris by the new +French canal system. + + * * * * * + +Monaco has adhered to the Triple Alliance. The negotiations thus +brought to a successful issue, have been for a long time in progress. +Obligations of honour, which no longer exist, have hitherto compelled +me, as your Correspondent, to keep secret the fact that amongst the +_croupiers_ of the _trente-et-quarante_ tables at the Casino for the +past three months have been the Chancellors of the German and Austrian +Empires, and the MARCHESE DI RUDINI, who, thus disguised, carried out +their delicate mission to the Court of Monaco. By this post I send +you the draft treaty by which Monaco engages, in the event of war, to +furnish a completely equipped contingent of ten men. + + * * * * * + +The BARON DE BOOK-WORMS arrived in town yesterday afternoon and +transacted business at his office in Bouverie Street, afterwards +returning to his country seat at Stow-in-the-Wold. + + * * * * * + +BROWNING SOCIETY VERSES. + + [Dr. FURNIVALL announces that the Browning Society is about to + be dissolved.] + + Hark! 'tis the knell of the Browning Society, + Wind-bags are bursting all round us to-day; + FURNIVALL fails, and for want of his diet he + Pines like a love-stricken maiden away. + + Long has he fed upon cackle and platitude, + FURNIVALL sauce to a dish full of dearth, + Still, in the favourite FURNIVALL attitude, + Grubbing about like a mole in the earth. + + Now must he vanish, the mole-hills are flat again, + (Follies grow fewer it seems by degrees); + Lovers of BROWNING may laugh and grow fat again, + Rid of the jargon of Furnivallese. + + * * * * * + +NEW AND OLD TERMS.--"Slate, Slite, Slote, Slitten," is the title of +an amusing article in the _Saturday Review_, on the derivation of the +verb "to slate." How "slote" comes in is not quite evident, but that +when the pages of a dull book are "slitten" by the paper-knife, it +will be read and slated by a critic, and then "slited" (or "slighted") +by the public, is quite sufficient without "putting a penny in the +'slote'" on the chance of getting something better. + + * * * * * + +SO LIKE HIM!--Tuesday last week was the seventieth birthday of +Professor VIRCHOW. He has refused all titles and emoluments, observing +that "VIRCHOW is its own reward." + + * * * * * + +VERY POP-ULAR!--Through the _Times_ came the information that, since +the famine, the Russian Officers have given up drinking champagne. +Their conduct is really quite Magnuminous! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GRANDOLPH AD LEONES."] + + * * * * * + +"ADSCRIPTUS GLEBAE." + + ["He (Mr. GOSCHEN) was in favour of giving the agricultural + labourer every opportunity of becoming more attached to the + soil."--_Mr. Goschen at Cambridge_.] + + Attached to the soil! Pretty optimist phrase + We are so, and have been, from _Gurth's_ simpler days, + Though now platform flowers of speech--pleasant joke!-- + May wreath the serf's ring till men scarce see the yoke. + Attached to the soil! The soil clings to our souls! + Young labour's scant guerdon, cold charity's doles, + The crow-scarer's pittance, the poor-house's aid + All smell of it! Tramping with boots thickly clayed + From brown field or furrow, or lowered at last + In our special six-feet by the sexton up-cast, + We smack of the earth, till we earthy have grown, + Like the mound that Death gives us--best friend--for our own. + We tramp it, we delve it, we plough it, this soil, + And a grave is the final reward of our toil. + Attached? The attachment of love is one thing, + The attachment of profit another. _Gurth's_ ring + Is _our_ form of attachment at bottom, Sir, still, + And to favour _that_ bond HODGE doubts not your good will. + But when others talk of improving our lot + By possession of more than a burial plot, + By pay for our toil, and by balm for our troubles, + You ban all such prospects as "radiant bubbles." + Declare "under-currents of plunder" run through + All plans for our aid save those favoured by you, + Attached to the soil! Ah! how many approve + _That_ attachment, when founded on labour and love! + But about "confiscation" they chatter and fuss + At all talk of attaching the soil to poor us! + + * * * * * + +FREE AND INDEPENDENT. + + SCENE--_Manager's Room of the Ideal Theatre. + Present--Committee of Taste._ + +[Illustration] + +_Manager_. Now, you fellows, I think we have settled what to do next. +Carry out the notion of an afternoon performance of the Ideal Drama. +We have got the moderate guarantee, and the good stock company, and +hope to receive the cooperation of the leading artists from other +theatres. Isn't that so? + +_Auditor_. Yes, I can answer for the moderate guarantee--about L20--in +the bank. + +_Stage Manager_. And the good stock company was imported early this +morning from Ireland. All very good Shakspearian actors with a taste +of a brogue to give their remarks pungency. + +_Manager_. That's all right. And what is the play? + +_First Member of the Committee of Taste_. "_Demons_," by the Master. + +_Second Ditto_. No, let us have something newer. Why not an adaptation +(by myself) of that charming work by SODALA--I call it _Blood and +Thunder_? + +_Manager_ (_producing halfpenny_). By the rules of the Company we toss +for it. (_Throws up coin._) Heads!--_Blood and Thunder_ wins. We +will do _Blood and Thunder_. Well, now as to casting it. Anything for +IRVING in it? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, yes--if he would play it. A Policeman who dies +by cutting his throat in Scene 1. Not the sort of part he usually +selects, but capital. + +_First Mem._ It is not for Mr. IRVING to pick and choose, it is the +cause of Art we serve. + +_Second Mem._ Well, yes. We might telephone and learn his views on the +subject. + + [_Subordinate takes instructions_. + +_Manager_. All right! Ah, here we have the piece! Rather long, but +the parts seem mild enough. Who's to do this soldier--a sort of heavy +dragoon, with a cold, who dies in the First Scene of the Second Act? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, anybody! KENDAL or FARREN; or if they can't, then +HARE or LIONEL BROUGH. + +_Manager_. But do you think they will like it? You see they each have +their line, and-- + +_First Mem._ In the cause of Art they will be prepared to do anything. +At least, they ought to be. + +_Manager_. Well, we will telephone to them too. (_Subordinate takes +further instructions_.) And now, how about the Ladies? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, there are a lot of school-girls, and a woman who +dies by degrees of general paralysis. The girls, of course will be all +right with--say, Miss EMERY, Miss LINDEN, Miss ALMA MURRAY, and Mrs. +KENDAL. But we want two people to play the woman. First Act, Miss +ELLEN TERRY; second and third, Miss GENEVIEVE WARD. To be properly +played, both should be in it. + +_Manager_. But how will that do? I do not think that Miss TERRY will +care to-- + +_First Mem._ Nonsense! She is a most charming person, and will do +anything in the cause of Art. + +_Subordinate_ (_returning from telephone_). Beg pardon, Gentlemen, but +Messrs. KENDAL, FARREN, BROUGH and HARE say they are very sorry, but +they are not at home; and Mr. IRVING presents his compliments, +and would be delighted to do what we wish, but he fears he will be +otherwise engaged. However, he says you have his sympathy, and his +heart goes out to you. [_Exit._ + +_Manager_. Well, what shall we do? + +_Second Mem._ Oh, there's VEZIN, and TERRIS, and PAULTON, and a heap +more! + +_Subordinate_ (_returning_). Just heard from the Ladies, Gentlemen, +and they send their kindest regards, but they are out too! + +_Acting Manager_ (_entering_). Well, how about the performance? + +_Members of the Council_ (_together_). Oh, it's nearly arranged! + +_Acting Man._ Well, if I might suggest, as a person of considerable +experience, it doesn't matter a jot whether you get a company together +or not. + +_Members_ (_as before_). Why? + +_Acting Man._ Because you won't get an audience! + + [_Scene closes in upon farther consultation._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODEST AMBITION. + +_The Squire_ (_to his Eldest Son, just home from the 'Varsity_). +"WELL, MY BOY, AND WHAT HAVE YOU SETTLED TO BE?" + +_The Squire's Son_. "JUST A _PLAIN COUNTRY GENTLEMAN_ LIKE YOU, +FATHER!"] + + * * * * * + +THEOSOPHIC TOOLS. + +(_BY AN OPPONENT OF OCCULTISM._) + + The Theosophic Boom, its wordy strife + And futile fuss are fading out in "fizzle." + They talk a deal about their "_planes_ of life," + 'Tis plain to me the fitter term were "chisel." + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG: + +OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS. + +"A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse," says the old saw, and +a wink is no doubt as good as a smile to a purblind ass. But the wink +is indeed one of the worst uses to which the human eye can he put. It +signifies usually the vulgarisation of humour, and the degradation of +mirth. It is the favourite eye-language of the cynical cad, the coarse +jester, the crapulous clown, and--above all--the chuckling cheat. + +[Illustration] + +It must be admitted, that the Muse of the Music Hall--in her Momus +mood--has a strong leaning towards the glorification of cynical +'cuteness of the _Autolycus_ sort. It is a weakness which she seems +to share with party scribes and Colonial politicians. If she had any +classic leanings, which she has not, her favourite deity would be +Mercury, the "winking Cyllenian Argophont" of the Homeric Hymn, the +"little cradled rogue," the Apollo-cheating babe, "the lord of those +who swindle, house-break, sheep-steal and shop-lift," under whom +_Autolycus_ prided himself upon having been "littered." _Autolycus's_ +complacent self-gratulation, "How bless'd are we that are not simple +men!" would appeal to the heart of the Music-hall votary. "Ha, ha! +what a fool Honesty is! and Trust his sworn brother, a very simple +gentleman" is, virtually, the burthen of dozens of the most favourite +of the Music-hall ditties. + +Sly-scheming Hermes "winked" knowingly at Jupiter when he was +"pitching his yarn" about the stolen oxen, and Jupiter "according to +his wont," + + "Laughed heartily to hear the subtle witted + Infant give such a plausible account, + And every word a lie." + +So the Music-hall Muse "winks" knowingly, and knavishly, at her +audience, and her audience "laugh heartily," in Jovian guffaws, at her +winks. What wonder then that she should lyrically apostrophise "The +Wink" in laudatory numbers? + + "Say, boys, now is it quite the thing?" + +she cries in sham deprecation, but all the while she "winks the other +eye" in a way her hearers quite understand. "Cabby knows his fare," +and the Music-hall Muse knows her clients. What, we wonder, would +be her reception did she really carry out her ironically pretended +protest and sing to the chuckling cads who applaud her, the following +version of her favourite lay? + +NO. II.--THE WINK OF ROGUERY'S EYE. + +AIR--"_WINK THE OTHER EYE_." + + Say, boys, whatever do men mean + When they wink the other eye? + Why, when "sharps" say the world is "green," + Do they wink the other eye? + The Radicals and Tories both tell stories, not a few, + About Measures falsely promised, and reforms long overdue; + And when the simple Mob believes that every word is true. + Then they--wink the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, now is it quite the thing! + Say, should we let them have their fling? + Ah, when they get us "on a string" + Then they wink the other eye! + + Say, boys are Leaders to be loved, + When they wink the other eye? + By artful speech the Mob is moved, + Till _it_ winks the other eye; + The optic Wink's the language of the sly and sordid soul, + The mute freemasonry of Fraud, sign-post to Roguery's goal. + When Circe sees her votaries swine ready in sludge to roll + Then _she_ winks the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, _is_ it so fine a thing, + Low Cunning, which Cheat's laureates sing, + The Comus of the Mart and Ring, + Who--winks the other eye? + + Say, boys, is Cunning's promise good, + When she winks the other eye? + Noodledom seeks her neighbourhood, + And winks _its_ other eye. + For no one winks so freely as a fool who _thinks_ he's sly; + The dupe of deeper knavery smirks in shallow mimicry + Of the smirking JERRY DIDDLER who is sucking him so dry, + And who winks the other eye. + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, now is the Wink a thing + Worthy of worship; will you fling + Your caps in air for the Knave-King + Who--winks the other eye? + + The Politician plucks his geese, + Then he winks the other eye. + Brazen Fraud steals Trade's Golden Fleece, + Then he winks the other eye. + _Autolycus_ pipes ballads; public pockets are his aim; + _Rabagas_ raves of "liberty"; advancement is his game; + And when their dupes aren't looking all these rogues do just the same, + They--wink the other eye! + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, paeans will you sing + To winking harpies all a-wing + To prey on fools; who steal, and sting, + And--wink the other eye? + + Wisdom may smile, but Cunning can't, + She winks the other eye. + Humour shall chortle, Mockery shan't, + She winks the other eye. + The stars above us twinkle and the dews beneath us blink, + All the eyes of Nature sparkle, and from merriment do not shrink, + The Language of the Eye of Cynic Knavery is--the Wink! + _Roguery_ "winks the other eye!" + + _Chorus_.--Say, boys, is it quite the thing? + "Ducdame"[1] to fools the Diddlers sing; + Trust me 'tis Rascals in a Ring + Who wink the other eye! + +[Footnote 1: + + _Amiens_. What's that "ducdame"? + + _Jaques_. 'Tis a Greek invocation to call fools into a circle. + +"_As You Like It_," _Act II., Sc. 5._] + + * * * * * + +THE EVOLUTION OF TOMMY'S PRIVATE-SCHOOL REPORT. + +1. _A rough draught, written by the under-master, who certainly has +had rather a trying week with_ TOMMY. + +"I am unable to speak highly of either his intelligence or his +industry; but occasionally he works well, and has undoubtedly made +some progress this term. His conduct is not always good." + +2. _Second rough draught_; TOMMY _in the meantime has missed a +repetition and accidentally knocked down the black-board._ + +"Exceptionally stupid and idle. Cannot be said to have made any +progress whatever this term, although he has had every effort made +with him. His conduct is abominable, noisy and unruly in the extreme." + +3. _Fair copy to be submitted to the principal; of course_, TOMMY _had +not intended to be overheard when he spoke of the under-master as_ +"_Old Pig-face_," _but this is the result._ + +"A more idle and utterly worthless boy it has never been my misfortune +to teach. Seems to have gone steadily backward all the term. Is most +objectionable in his manners, and has no sense of honour." + +4. _Fair copy, as amended by the principal; how was_ TOMMY _to +know that stone would break the conservatory window, and drive the +principal to alter the report to this?_ + +"Would be better suited in a reformatory than in a school of this +standing. Utterly depraved, vicious and idle, with marked criminal +instincts. In intellect verges on the imbecile. Unless there is a +marked improvement next term, I cannot keep him." + +5. _Principal's final copy; it_ was _fortunate that_ TOMMY _happened +to remark that he had four cousins who were, perhaps, coming next +term. One can't lose four pupils, even if it makes it necessary to +write like this._ + +"A singularly bright and high-spirited boy; a little given to +mischief, as all boys are, but quite amenable to discipline. My +assistant speaks most highly of his progress this term, and of his +general intelligence. He seems well suited by our system. His conduct +is, on the whole, admirable. He is truthful and conscientious." + + * * * * * + +COUPLET BY A CYNIC. + + "Poetry does not sell!" cry plaintive pleaders. + Alas! most modern Poetry _does_--its readers! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. 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