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diff --git a/13650.txt b/13650.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..deb4552 --- /dev/null +++ b/13650.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6879 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Nonsense Books, by Edward Lear + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Nonsense Books + +Author: Edward Lear + +Release Date: October 8, 2004 [eBook #13650] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NONSENSE BOOKS*** + + +E-text prepared by Dave Newman, Ben Courtney, A. Deubelbeiss, Stan +Goodman, and Project Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which + includes the original illustrations and music clips as well as + midi, pdf, and lilypond files. + See 13650-h.htm or 13650-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/3/6/5/13650/13650-h/13650-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/3/6/5/13650/13650-h.zip) + + + + + +NONSENSE BOOKS + +by + +EDWARD LEAR + +With all the Original Illustrations + +1894 + + + + + + + +PUBLISHERS' NOTICE. +The first _Book of Nonsense_ was published in 1846. Three other volumes,-- +_Nonsense Songs, Stories, etc._, published in 1871; _More Nonsense +Pictures, etc._, in 1872; and _Laughable Lyrics: A Fresh Book of Nonsense, +etc._, in 1877,--comprise all the "Nonsense Books" written by Mr. Lear. + + + + + "Surely the most beneficent and innocent of all books + yet produced is the _Book of Nonsense_, with its corollary + carols, inimitable and refreshing, and perfect in rhythm. + I really don't know any author to whom I am half so + grateful for my idle self as Edward Lear. I shall put + him first of my hundred authors." + + JOHN RUSKIN, + + In the _List of the Best Hundred Authors_. + + + +[Illustration: EDWARD LEAR. ENGRAVED BY ANDREW FROM A PHOTOGRAPH TAKEN IN +SAN REMO, BY RONCAROLO.] + + + +CONTENTS. + + I. A BOOK OF NONSENSE. + II. NONSENSE SONGS, STORIES, BOTANY, AND ALPHABETS. + III. MORE NONSENSE PICTURES, RHYMES, BOTANY, ETC. + IV. LAUGHABLE LYRICS: + A FRESH BOOK OF NONSENSE POEMS, SONGS, BOTANY, ETC. + + +[Illustration: QUI LEGIT REGIT.] + + + + +The following lines by Mr. Lear were written for a young lady of his +acquaintance, who had quoted to him the words of a young lady not of his +acquaintance, + + "How pleasant to know Mr. Lear!" + + "How pleasant to know Mr. Lear!" + Who has written such volumes of stuff! + Some think him ill-tempered and queer, + But a few think him pleasant enough. + + His mind is concrete and fastidious, + His nose is remarkably big; + His visage is more or less hideous, + His beard it resembles a wig. + + He has ears, and two eyes, and ten fingers, + Leastways if you reckon two thumbs; + Long ago he was one of the singers, + But now he is one of the dumbs. + + He sits in a beautiful parlor, + With hundreds of books on the wall; + He drinks a great deal of Marsala, + But never gets tipsy at all. + + He has many friends, lay men and clerical, + Old Foss is the name of his cat; + His body is perfectly spherical, + He weareth a runcible hat. + + When he walks in waterproof white, + The children run after him so! + Calling out, "He's come out in his night- + Gown, that crazy old Englishman, oh!" + + He weeps by the side of the ocean, + He weeps on the top of the hill; + He purchases pancakes and lotion, + And chocolate shrimps from the mill. + + He reads, but he cannot speak, Spanish, + He cannot abide ginger beer: + Ere the days of his pilgrimage vanish, + How pleasant to know Mr. Lear! + + * * * * * + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + +Edward Lear, the artist, Author of "Journals of a Landscape Painter" in +various out-of-the-way countries, and of the delightful "Books of +Nonsense," which have amused successive generations of children, died on +Sunday, January 29, 1888, at San Remo, Italy, where he had lived for twenty +years. Few names could evoke a wider expression of passing regret at their +appearance in the obituary column; for until his health began to fail he +was known to an immense and almost a cosmopolitan circle of acquaintance, +and popular wherever he was known. Fewer still could call up in the minds +of intimate friends a deeper and more enduring feeling of sorrow for +personal loss, mingled with the pleasantest of memories; for it was +impossible to know him thoroughly and not to love him. London, Rome, the +Mediterranean countries generally, Ceylon and India, are still all dotted +with survivors among his generation who will mourn for him affectionately, +although his latter years were spent in comparatively close retirement. He +was a man of striking nobility of nature, fearless, independent, energetic, +given to forming for himself strong opinions, often hastily, sometimes +bitterly; not always strong or sound in judgment, but always seeking after +truth in every matter, and following it as he understood it in scorn of +consequence; utterly unselfish, devoted to his friends, generous even to +extravagance towards any one who had ever been connected with his fortunes +or his travels; playful, light-hearted, witty, and humorous, but not +without those occasional fits of black depression and nervous irritability +to which such temperaments are liable. + +Great and varied as the merits of his pictures are, Lear hardly succeeded +in achieving any great popularity as a landscape-painter. His work was +frequently done on private commission, and he rarely sent in pictures for +the Academy or other exhibitions. His larger and more highly finished +landscapes were unequal in technical perfection,--sometimes harsh or cold +in color, or stiff in composition; sometimes full of imagination, at others +literal and prosaic,--but always impressive reproductions of interesting or +peculiar scenery. In later years he used in conversation to qualify himself +as a "topographical artist;" and the definition was true, though not +exhaustive. He had an intuitive and a perfectly trained eye for the +character and beauty of distant mountain lines, the solemnity of rocky +gorges, the majesty of a single mountain rising from a base of plain or +sea; and he was equally exact in rendering the true forms of the middle +distances and the specialties of foreground detail belonging to the various +lands through which he had wandered as a sketcher. Some of his pictures +show a mastery which has rarely been equalled over the difficulties of +painting an immense plain as seen from a height, reaching straight away +from the eye of the spectator until it is lost in a dim horizon. Sir +Roderick Murchison used to say that he always understood the geological +peculiarities of a country he had only studied in Lear's sketches. The +compliment was thoroughly justified; and it is not every landscape-painter +to whom it could honestly be paid. + +The history of Lear's choice of a career was a curious one. He was the +youngest of twenty-one children, and, through a family mischance, was +thrown entirely on the limited resources of an elderly sister at a very +early age. As a boy he had always dabbled in colors for his own amusement, +and had been given to poring over the ordinary boys' books upon natural +history. It occurred to him to try to turn his infant talents to account; +and he painted upon cardboard a couple of birds in the style which the +older among us remember as having been called Oriental tinting, took them +to a small shop, and sold them for fourpence. The kindness of friends, to +whom he was ever grateful, gave him the opportunity of more serious and +more remunerative study, and he became a patient and accurate zooelogical +draughtsman. Many of the birds in the earlier volumes of Gould's +magnificent folios were drawn for him by Lear. A few years back there were +eagles alive in the Zooelogical Gardens in Regent's Park to which Lear could +point as old familiar friends that he had drawn laboriously from claw to +beak fifty years before. He united with this kind of work the more +unpleasant occupation of drawing the curiosities of disease or deformity in +hospitals. One day, as he was busily intent on the portrait of a bird in +the Zooelogical Gardens, an old gentleman came and looked over his shoulder, +entered into conversation, and finally said to him, "You must come and draw +my birds at Knowsley." Lear did not know where Knowsley was, or what it +meant; but the old gentleman was the thirteenth Earl of Derby. The +successive Earls of Derby have been among Lear's kindest and most generous +patrons. He went to Knowsley, and the drawings in the "Knowsley Menagerie" +(now a rare and highly-prized work among book collectors) are by Lear's +hand. At Knowsley he became a permanent favorite; and it was there that he +composed in prolific succession his charming and wonderful series of +utterly nonsensical rhymes and drawings. Lear had already begun seriously +to study landscape. When English winters began to threaten his health, Lord +Derby started a subscription which enabled him to go to Rome as a student +and artist, and no doubt gave him recommendations among Anglo-Roman +society which laid the foundations of a numerous _clientele_. It was in the +Roman summers that Lear first began to exercise the taste for pictorial +wandering which grew into a habit and a passion, to fill vivid and copious +note-books as he went, and to illustrate them by spirited and accurate +drawings; and his first volume of "Illustrated Excursions in Italy," +published in 1846, is gratefully dedicated to his Knowsley patron. + +Only those who have travelled with him could know what a delightful comrade +he was to men whose tastes ran more or less parallel to his own. It was not +everybody who could travel with him; for he was so irrepressibly anxious +not to lose a moment of the time at his disposal for gathering into his +garners the beauty and interest of the lands over which he journeyed, that +he was careless of comfort and health. Calabria, Sicily, the Desert of +Sinai, Egypt and Nubia, Greece and Albania, Palestine, Syria, Athos, +Candia, Montenegro, Zagori (who knows now where Zagori is, or was?), were +as thoroughly explored and sketched by him as the more civilized localities +of Malta, Corsica, and Corfu. He read insatiably before starting all the +recognized guide-books and histories of the country he intended to draw; +and his published itineraries are marked by great strength and literary +interest quite irrespectively of the illustrations. And he had his reward. +It is not any ordinary journalist and sketcher who could have compelled +from Tennyson such a tribute as lines "To E.L. on his Travels in Greece":-- + + "Illyrian woodlands, echoing falls + Of water, sheets of summer glass, + The long divine Peneian pass, + The vast Akrokeraunian walls, + + "Tomohrit, Athos, all things fair, + With such a pencil, such a pen, + You shadow forth to distant men, + I read and felt that I was there." + +Lear was a man to whom, as to Tennyson's Ulysses, + + "All experience is an arch wherethrough + Gleams that untravelled world." + +After settling at San Remo, and when he was nearly sixty years old, he +determined to visit India and Ceylon. He started once and failed, being +taken so ill at Suez that he was obliged to return. The next year he +succeeded, and brought away some thousands of drawings of the most striking +views from all three Presidencies and from the tropical island. His +appetite for travel continued to grow with what it fed upon; and although +he hated a long sea-voyage, he used seriously to contemplate as possible a +visit to relations in New Zealand. It may safely, however, be averred that +no considerations would have tempted him to visit the Arctic regions. + + A hard-working life, checkered by the odd adventures which happen + to the odd and the adventurous and pass over the commonplace; a + career brightened by the high appreciation of unimpeachable + critics; lightened, till of late, by the pleasant society and good + wishes of innumerable friends; saddened by the growing pressure of + ill health and solitude; cheered by his constant trust in the love + and sympathy of those who knew him best, however far away,--such + was the life of Edward Lear. + + --_The London Saturday Review,_ Feb. 4, 1888. + +Among the writers who have striven with varying success during the last +thirty or forty years to awaken the merriment of the "rising generation" of +the time being, Mr. Edward Lear occupies the first place in seniority, if +not in merit. The parent of modern nonsense-writers, he is distinguished +from all his followers and imitators by the superior consistency with which +he has adhered to his aim,--that of amusing his readers by fantastic +absurdities, as void of vulgarity or cynicism as they are incapable of +being made to harbor any symbolical meaning. He "never deviates into +sense;" but those who appreciate him never feel the need of such deviation. +He has a genius for coining absurd names and words, which, even when they +are suggested by the exigencies of his metre, have a ludicrous +appropriateness to the matter in hand. His verse is, with the exception of +a certain number of cockney rhymes, wonderfully flowing and even +melodious--or, as he would say, _meloobious_--while to all these +qualifications for his task must finally be added the happy gift of +pictorial expression, enabling him to double, nay, often to quadruple, the +laughable effect of his text by an inexhaustible profusion of the quaintest +designs. Generally speaking, these designs are, as it were, an idealization +of the efforts of a clever child; but now and then--as in the case of the +nonsense-botany--Mr. Lear reminds us what a genuine and graceful artist he +really is. The advantage to a humorist of being able to illustrate his own +text has been shown in the case of Thackeray and Mr. W.S. Gilbert, to +mention two familiar examples; but in no other instance of such a +combination have we discovered such geniality as is to be found in the +nonsense-pictures of Mr. Lear. We have spoken above of the melodiousness of +Mr. Lear's verses, a quality which renders them excellently suitable for +musical setting, and which has not escaped the notice of the author +himself. We have also heard effective arrangements, presumably by other +composers, of the adventures of the Table and the Chair, and of the cruise +of the Owl and the Pussy-cat,--the latter introduced into the "drawing-room +entertainment" of one of the followers of John Parry. Indeed, in these days +of adaptations, it is to be wondered at that no enterprising librettist has +attempted to build a children's comic opera out of the materials supplied +in the four books with which we are now concerned. The first of these, +originally published in 1846, and brought out in an enlarged form in 1863, +is exclusively devoted to nonsense-verses of one type. Mr. Lear is careful +to disclaim the credit of having created this type, for he tells us in the +preface to his third book that "the lines beginning, 'There was an old man +of Tobago,' were suggested to me by a valued friend, as a form of verse +leading itself to limitless variety for Rhymes and Pictures." Dismissing +the further question of the authorship of "There was an old man of Tobago," +we propose to give a few specimens of Mr. Lear's Protean powers as +exhibited in the variation of this simple type. Here, to begin with, is a +favorite verse, which we are very glad to have an opportunity of giving, as +it is often incorrectly quoted, "cocks" being substituted for "owls" in the +third line: + + "There was an Old Man with a beard, + Who said, 'It is just as I feared! + Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren, + Have all built their nests in my beard!'" + +With the kindly fatalism which is the distinctive note of the foregoing +stanza, the sentiment of our next extract is in vivid contrast:-- + + + "There was an Old Man in a tree, + Who was terribly bored by a bee; + When they said, 'Does it buzz?' he replied, 'Yes, it does! + It's a regular brute of a Bee.'" + +To the foregoing verse an historic interest attaches, if, that is, we are +right in supposing it to have inspired Mr. Gilbert with his famous +"Nonsense-Rhyme in Blank Verse." We quote from memory:-- + + "There was an Old Man of St. Bees, + Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. + When they asked, 'Does it hurt?' he replied, 'No, it doesn't, + But I thought all the while 'twas a Hornet!'" + +Passing over the lines referring to the "Young Person" of Crete to whom the +epithet "ombliferous" is applied, we may be pardoned--on the ground of the +geographical proximity of the two countries named--for quoting together two +stanzas which in reality are separated by a good many pages:-- + + "There was a Young Lady of Norway, + Who casually sat in a doorway; + When the doors queezed her flat, she exclaimed, 'What of that?' + This courageous young person of Norway." + + "There was a Young Lady of Sweden, + Who went by the slow train to Weedon; + When they cried, 'Weedon Station!' she made no observation, + But thought she should go back to Sweden." + +A noticeable feature about this first book, and one which we think is +peculiar to it, is the harsh treatment which the eccentricities of the +inhabitants of certain towns appear to have met with at the hands of their +fellow-residents. No less than three people are "smashed,"--the Old Man of +Whitehaven "who danced a quadrille with a Raven;" the Old Person of Buda; +and the Old Man with a gong "who bumped at it all the day long," though in +the last-named case we admit that there was considerable provocation. +Before quitting the first "Nonsense-Book," we would point out that it +contains one or two forms that are interesting; for instance, "scroobious," +which we take to be a Portmanteau word, and "spickle-speckled," a favorite +form of reduplication with Mr. Lear, and of which the best specimen occurs +in his last book, "He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled the bell." The second book, +published in 1871, shows Mr. Lear in the maturity of sweet desipience, and +will perhaps remain the favorite volume of the four to grown-up readers. +The nonsense-songs are all good, and "The Story of the Four little Children +who went Round the World" is the most exquisite piece of imaginative +absurdity that the present writer is acquainted with. But before coming to +that, let us quote a few lines from "The Jumblies," who, as all the world +knows, went to sea in a sieve:-- + + "They sailed to the Western Sea, they did, + To a land all covered with trees. + And they bought an Owl, and a useful Cart, + And a pound of Rice, and a Cranberry Tart, + And a hive of silvery Bees. + And they bought a Pig, and some green Jack-Daws, + And a lovely Monkey with lollipop paws, + And forty bottles of Ring-Bo-Ree, + And no end of Stilton Cheese. + _Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live. + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, + And they went to sea in a sieve._ + And in twenty years they all came back, + In twenty years or more, + And every one said, 'How tall they've grown! + For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone, + And the hills of the Chankly Bore.'" + +From the pedestrian excursion of the Table and the Chair, we cannot resist +making a brief quotation, though in this, as in every case, the inability +to quote the drawings also is a sad drawback:-- + + "So they both went slowly down, + And walked about the town, + With a cheerful bumpy sound, + As they toddled round and round. + And everybody cried, + As they hastened to their side, + 'See, the Table and the Chair + Have come out to take the air!' + + "But in going down an alley + To a castle in a valley, + They completely lost their way, + And wandered all the day, + Till, to see them safely back, + They paid a Ducky-Quack, + And a Beetle and a Mouse, + Who took them to their house. + + "Then they whispered to each other, + 'O delightful little brother, + What a lovely walk we've taken! + Let us dine on Beans and Bacon!' + So the Ducky and the leetle + Browny-Mousy, and the Beetle + Dined, and danced upon their heads, + Till they toddled to their beds." + +"The Story of the Four little Children who went Round the World" follows +next, and the account of the manner in which they occupied themselves while +on shipboard may be transcribed for the benefit of those unfortunate +persons who have not perused the original: "During the day-time Violet +chiefly occupied herself in putting salt-water into a churn, while her +three brothers churned it violently in the hope it would turn into butter, +which it seldom if ever did." After journeying for a time, they saw some +land at a distance, "and when they came to it they found it was an island +made of water quite surrounded by earth. Besides that it was bordered by +evanescent isthmuses with a great Gulf-Stream running about all over it, so +that it was perfectly beautiful, and contained only a single tree, five +hundred and three feet high." In a later passage, we read how "by-and-by +the children came to a country where there were no houses, but only an +incredibly innumerable number of large bottles without corks, and of a +dazzling and sweetly susceptible blue color. Each of these blue bottles +contained a bluebottlefly, and all these interesting animals live +continually together in the most copious and rural harmony, nor perhaps in +many parts of the world is such perfect and abject happiness to be found." +Our last quotation from this inimitable recital shall be from the +description of their adventure on a great plain where they espied an object +which "on a nearer approach and on an accurately cutaneous inspection, +seemed to be somebody in a large white wig sitting on an arm-chair made of +sponge-cake and oyster-shells." This turned out to be the "Co-operative +Cauliflower," who, "while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him +with mingled affection and disgust ... suddenly arose, and in a somewhat +plumdomphious manner hurried off towards the setting sun, his steps +supported by two superincumbent confidential cucumbers ... till he finally +disappeared on the brink of the western sky in a crystal cloud of sudorific +sand. So remarkable a sight of course impressed the four children very +deeply; and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense of +undeveloped asthma and a great appetite." + +In his third book, Mr. Lear takes occasion in an entertaining preface to +repudiate the charge of harboring any ulterior motive beyond that of +"Nonsense pure and absolute" in any of his verses or pictures, and tells a +delightful anecdote illustrative of the "persistently absurd report" that +the Earl of Derby was the author of the first book of "Nonsense." In this +volume he reverts once more to the familiar form adopted in his original +efforts, and with little falling off. It is to be remarked that the third +division is styled "Twenty-Six Nonsense Rhymes and Pictures," although +there is no more rhyme than reason in any of the set. Our favorite +illustrations are those of the "Scroobious Snake who always wore a Hat on +his Head, for fear he should bite anybody," and the "Visibly Vicious +Vulture who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a Volume bound in +Vellum." In the fourth and last of Mr. Lear's books, we meet not only with +familiar words, but personages and places,--old friends like the Jumblies, +the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, the Quangle Wangle, the hills of the Chankly Bore, +and the great Gromboolian plain, as well as new creations, such as the Dong +with a luminous Nose, whose story is a sort of nonsense version of the love +of Nausicaa for Ulysses, only that the sexes are inverted. In these verses, +graceful fancy is so subtly interwoven with nonsense as almost to beguile +us into feeling a real interest in Mr. Lear's absurd creations. So again in +the Pelican chorus there are some charming lines:-- + + "By day we fish, and at eve we stand + On long bare islands of yellow sand. + And when the sun sinks slowly down, + And the great rock-walls grow dark and brown, + When the purple river rolls fast and dim, + And the ivory Ibis starlike skim, + Wing to wing we dance around," etc. + +The other nonsense-poems are all good, but we have no space for further +quotation, and will take leave of our subject by propounding the following +set of examination questions which a friend who is deeply versed in Mr. +Lear's books has drawn up for us:-- + + 1. What do you gather from a study of Mr. Lear's works to + have been the prevalent characteristics of the inhabitants of + Gretna, Prague, Thermopylae, Wick, and Hong Kong? + + 2. State briefly what historical events are connected with + Ischia, Chertsey, Whitehaven, Boulak, and Jellibolee. + + 3. Comment, with illustrations, upon Mr. Lear's use of the + following words: Runcible, propitious, dolomphious, borascible, + fizzgiggious, himmeltanious, tumble-dum-down, spongetaneous. + + 4. Enumerate accurately all the animals who lived on the + Quangle Wangle's Hat, and explain how the Quangle Wangle + was enabled at once to enlighten his five travelling companions + as to the true nature of the Co-operative Cauliflower. + + 5. What were the names of the five daughters of the Old + Person of China, and what was the purpose for which the + Old Man of the Dargle purchased six barrels of Gargle? + + 6. Collect notices of King Xerxes in Mr. Lear's works, and + state your theory, if you have any, as to the character and + appearance of Nupiter Piffkin. + + 7. Draw pictures of the Plum-pudding flea, and the Moppsikon + Floppsikon Bear, and state by whom waterproof tubs + were first used. + + 8. "There was an old man at a station + Who made a promiscuous oration." + + What bearing may we assume the foregoing couplet to have + upon Mr. Lear's political views? + --_The London Spectator_. + + + + + * * * * * + + +A BOOK OF NONSENSE + +by + +EDWARD LEAR. + +With All the Original Pictures and Verses + + + + + + + +[Illustration] + + +There was an Old Derry down Derry, who loved to see little folks + merry; + So he made them a Book, and with laughter they shook + At the fun of that Derry down Derry. + + + + Original Dedication. + + TO THE + GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, GRAND-NEPHEWS, AND GRAND-NIECES + OF EDWARD, 13TH EARL OF DERBY, + THIS BOOK OF DRAWINGS AND VERSES + + (The greater part of which were originally + made and composed for their parents.) + + Is Dedicated by the Author, + EDWARD LEAR. + + London, 1862. + + + * * * * * + + + + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man with a nose, + Who said, "If you choose to suppose + That my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!" + That remarkable Man with a nose. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Person of Smyrna, + Whose Grandmother threatened to burn her; + But she seized on the Cat, and said, "Granny, burn that! + You incongruous Old Woman of Smyrna!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man on a hill, + Who seldom, if ever, stood still; + He ran up and down in his Grandmother's gown, + Which adorned that Old Man on a hill. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Chili, + Whose conduct was painful and silly; + He sate on the stairs, eating apples and pears, + That imprudent Old Person of Chili. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man with a gong, + Who bumped at it all the day long; + But they called out, "Oh, law! you're a horrid old bore!" + So they smashed that Old Man with a gong. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Kilkenny, + Who never had more than a penny; + He spent all that money in onions and honey, + That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Columbia, + Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer; + But they brought it quite hot, in a small copper pot, + Which disgusted that man of Columbia. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man in a tree, + Who was horribly bored by a Bee; + When they said, "Does it buzz?" he replied, "Yes, it does! + It's a regular brute of a Bee." + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Lady of Chertsey, + Who made a remarkable curtsey; + She twirled round and round, till she sank underground, + Which distressed all the people of Chertsey. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady whose chin + Resembled the point of a pin; + So she had it made sharp, and purchased a harp, + And played several tunes with her chin. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man with a flute,-- + A "sarpint" ran into his boot! + But he played day and night, till the "sarpint" took flight, + And avoided that Man with a flute. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Portugal, + Whose ideas were excessively nautical; + She climbed up a tree to examine the sea, + But declared she would never leave Portugal. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Ischia, + Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier; + He danced hornpipes and jigs, and ate thousands of figs, + That lively Old Person of Ischia + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Vienna, + Who lived upon Tincture of Senna; + When that did not agree, he took Camomile Tea, + That nasty Old Man of Vienna. + + [Illustraion] + + There was an Old Man in a boat, + Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" + When they said, "No, you ain't!" he was ready to faint, + That unhappy Old Man in a boat. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Buda, + Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder, + Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamor. + By smashing that Person of Buda. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Moldavia, + Who had the most curious behavior; + For while he was able, he slept on a table, + That funny Old Man of Moldavia. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Hurst, + Who drank when he was not athirst; + When they said, "You'll grow fatter!" he answered "What matter?" + That globular Person of Hurst. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Madras, + Who rode on a cream-colored Ass; + But the length of its ears so promoted his fears, + That it killed that Old Man of Madras. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Dover, + Who rushed through a field of blue clover; + But some very large Bees stung his nose and his knees, + So he very soon went back to Dover. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Leeds, + Whose head was infested with beads; + She sat on a stool and ate gooseberry-fool, + Which agreed with that Person of Leeds. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Cadiz, + Who was always polite to all ladies; + But in handing his daughter, he fell into the water, + Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the Isles, + Whose face was pervaded with smiles; + He sang "High dum diddle," and played on the fiddle, + That amiable Man of the Isles. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Basing, + Whose presence of mind was amazing; + He purchased a steed, which he rode at full speed, + And escaped from the people of Basing. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man who supposed + That the street door was partially closed; + But some very large Rats ate his coats and his hats, + While that futile Old Gentleman dozed. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person whose habits + Induced him to feed upon Rabbits; + When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green, + Upon which he relinquished those habits. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the West, + Who wore a pale plum-colored vest; + When they said, "Does it fit?" he replied, "Not a bit!" + That uneasy Old Man of the West. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Marseilles, + Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils: + They caught several Fish, which they put in a dish, + And sent to their Pa at Marseilles. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the Wrekin, + Whose shoes made a horrible creaking; + But they said, "Tell us whether your shoes are of leather, + Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?" + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady whose nose + Was so long that it reached to her toes; + So she hired an Old Lady, whose conduct was steady, + To carry that wonderful nose. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Norway, + Who casually sat in a doorway; + When the door squeezed her flat, she exclaimed, "What of that?" + This courageous Young Lady of Norway. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Apulia, + Whose conduct was very peculiar; + He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns, + That whimsical Man of Apulia. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Quebec,-- + A beetle ran over his neck; + But he cried, "With a needle I'll slay you, O beadle!" + That angry Old Man of Quebec. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Bute, + Who played on a silver-gilt flute; + She played several jigs to her Uncle's white Pigs: + That amusing Young Lady of Bute. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Philoe, + Whose conduct was scroobious and wily; + He rushed up a Palm when the weather was calm, + And observed all the ruins of Philoe. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man with a poker, + Who painted his face with red ochre. + When they said, "You 're a Guy!" he made no reply, + But knocked them all down with his poker. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Prague, + Who was suddenly seized with the plague; + But they gave him some butter, which caused him to mutter, + And cured that Old Person of Prague. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Peru, + Who watched his wife making a stew; + But once, by mistake, in a stove she did bake + That unfortunate Man of Peru. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the North, + Who fell into a basin of broth; + But a laudable cook fished him out with a hook, + Which saved that Old Man of the North. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Troy, + Whose drink was warm brandy and soy, + Which he took with a spoon, by the light of the moon, + In sight of the city of Troy. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Mold, + Who shrank from sensations of cold; + So he purchased some muffs, some furs, and some fluffs, + And wrapped himself well from the cold. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Tring, + Who embellished his nose with a ring; + He gazed at the moon every evening in June, + That ecstatic Old Person of Tring. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Nepaul, + From his horse had a terrible fall; + But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glue + They mended that man of Nepaul. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the Nile, + Who sharpened his nails with a file, + Till he cut off his thumbs, and said calmly, "This comes + Of sharpening one's nails with a file!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi, + So blind that he couldn't his foot see; + When they said, "That's your toe," he replied, "Is it so?" + That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Calcutta, + Who perpetually ate bread and butter; + Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing, + Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Rhodes, + Who strongly objected to toads; + He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens, + That futile Old Person of Rhodes. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the South, + Who had an immoderate mouth; + But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of Fish, + He was choked, that Old Man of the South. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Melrose, + Who walked on the tips of his toes; + But they said, "It ain't pleasant to see you at present, + You stupid Old Man of Melrose." + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the Dee, + Who was sadly annoyed by a Flea; + When he said, "I will scratch it!" they gave him a hatchet, + Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Lucca, + Whose lovers completely forsook her; + She ran up a tree, and said "Fiddle-de-dee!" + Which embarrassed the people of Lucca. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Coblenz, + The length of whose legs was immense; + He went with one prance from Turkey to France, + That surprising Old Man of Coblenz. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Bohemia, + Whose daughter was christened Euphemia; + But one day, to his grief, she married a thief, + Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Corfu, + Who never knew what he should do; + So he rushed up and down, till the sun made him brown, + That bewildered Old Man of Corfu. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Vesuvius, + Who studied the works of Vitruvius; + When the flames burnt his book, to drinking he took, + That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Dundee, + Who frequented the top of a tree; + When disturbed by the Crows, he abruptly arose, + And exclaimed, "I'll return to Dundee!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Lady whose folly + Induced her to sit in a holly; + Whereon, by a thorn her dress being torn, + She quickly became melancholy. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man on some rocks, + Who shut his Wife up in a box: + When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubt + You will pass all your life in that box." + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Rheims, + Who was troubled with horrible dreams; + So to keep him awake they fed him with cake, + Which amused that Old Person of Rheims. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Leghorn, + The smallest that ever was born; + But quickly snapt up he was once by a Puppy, + Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man in a pew, + Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue; + But he tore it in pieces, to give to his Nieces, + That cheerful Old Man in a pew. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Jamaica, + Who suddenly married a Quaker; + But she cried out, "Oh, lack! I have married a black!" + Which distressed that Old Man of Jamaica. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man who said, "How + Shall I flee from this horrible Cow? + I will sit on this stile, and continue to smile, + Which may soften the heart of that Cow." + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Troy, + Whom several large flies did annoy; + Some she killed with a thump, some she drowned at the pump, + And some she took with her to Troy. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Hull, + Who was chased by a virulent Bull; + But she seized on a spade, and called out, "Who's afraid?" + Which distracted that virulent Bull. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Dutton, + Whose head was as small as a button; + So to make it look big he purchased a wig, + And rapidly rushed about Dutton. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man who said, "Hush! + I perceive a young bird in this bush!" + When they said, "Is it small?" he replied, "Not at all; + It is four times as big as the bush!" + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Russia, + Who screamed so that no one could hush her; + Her screams were extreme,--no one heard such a scream + As was screamed by that Lady of Russia. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Tyre, + Who swept the loud chords of a lyre; + At the sound of each sweep she enraptured the deep, + And enchanted the city of Tyre. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Bangor, + Whose face was distorted with anger; + He tore off his boots, and subsisted on roots, + That borascible Person of Bangor. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the East, + Who gave all his children a feast; + But they all ate so much, and their conduct was such, + That it killed that Old Man of the East. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the Coast, + Who placidly sat on a post; + But when it was cold he relinquished his hold, + And called for some hot buttered toast. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Kamschatka, + Who possessed a remarkably fat Cur; + His gait and his waddle were held as a model + To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Gretna, + Who rushed down the crater of Etna; + When they said, "Is it hot?" he replied, "No, it's not!" + That mendacious Old Person of Gretna. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man with a beard, + Who sat on a Horse when he reared; + But they said, "Never mind! you will fall off behind, + You propitious Old Man with a beard!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Berlin, + Whose form was uncommonly thin; + Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake, + So they baked that Old Man of Berlin. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the West, + Who never could get any rest; + So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin, + Which cured that Old Man of the West. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Cheadle + Was put in the stocks by the Beadle + For stealing some pigs, some coats, and some wigs, + That horrible person of Cheadle. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Anerley, + Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly; + He rushed down the Strand with a Pig in each hand, + But returned in the evening to Anerley. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Wales, + Who caught a large Fish without scales; + When she lifted her hook, she exclaimed, "Only look!" + That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Welling, + Whose praise all the world was a-telling; + She played on the harp, and caught several Carp, + That accomplished Young Lady of Welling. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Tartary, + Who divided his jugular artery; + But he screeched to his Wife, and she said, "Oh, my life! + Your death will be felt by all Tartary!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Whitehaven, + Who danced a quadrille with a Raven; + But they said, "It's absurd to encourage this bird!" + So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Sweden, + Who went by the slow train to Weedon; + When they cried, "Weedon Station!" she made no observation, + But thought she should go back to Sweden. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Chester, + Whom several small children did pester; + They threw some large stones, which broke most of his bones, + And displeased that Old Person of Chester. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the Cape, + Who possessed a large Barbary Ape; + Till the Ape, one dark night, set the house all alight, + Which burned that Old Man of the Cape. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Burton, + Whose answers were rather uncertain; + When they said, "How d' ye do?" he replied, "Who are you?" + That distressing Old Person of Burton. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Ems + Who casually fell in the Thames; + And when he was found, they said he was drowned, + That unlucky Old Person of Ems. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Girl of Majorca, + Whose Aunt was a very fast walker; + She walked seventy miles, and leaped fifteen stiles, + Which astonished that Girl of Majorca. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Poole, + Whose soup was excessively cool; + So she put it to boil by the aid of some oil, + That ingenious Young Lady of Poole. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Lady of Prague, + Whose language was horribly vague; + When they said, "Are these caps?" she answered, "Perhaps!" + That oracular Lady of Prague. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Parma, + Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer: + When they said, "Are you dumb?" she merely said, "Hum!" + That provoking Young Lady of Parma. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Sparta, + Who had twenty-five sons and one "darter;" + He fed them on Snails, and weighed them in scales, + That wonderful Person of Sparta. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man on whose nose + Most birds of the air could repose; + But they all flew away at the closing of day, + Which relieved that Old Man and his nose. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Turkey, + Who wept when the weather was murky; + When the day turned out fine, she ceased to repine, + That capricious Young Lady of Turkey. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Aosta + Who possessed a large Cow, but he lost her; + But they said, "Don't you see she has run up a tree, + You invidious Old Man of Aosta?" + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Person of Crete, + Whose toilette was far from complete; + She dressed in a sack spickle-speckled with black, + That ombliferous Person of Crete. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Clare, + Who was madly pursued by a Bear; + When she found she was tired, she abruptly expired, + That unfortunate Lady of Clare. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Dorking, + Who bought a large bonnet for walking; + But its color and size so bedazzled her eyes, + That she very soon went back to Dorking. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, + Who wished he had never been born; + So he sat on a Chair till he died of despair, + That dolorous Man of Cape Horn. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old Person of Cromer, + Who stood on one leg to read Homer; + When he found he grew stiff, he jumped over the cliff, + Which concluded that Person of Cromer. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of the Hague, + Whose ideas were excessively vague; + He built a balloon to examine the moon, + That deluded Old Man of the Hague. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Spain, + Who hated all trouble and pain; + So he sate on a chair with his feet in the air, + That umbrageous Old Person of Spain. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man who said, "Well! + Will _nobody_ answer this bell? + I have pulled day and night, till my hair has grown white, + But nobody answers this bell!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man with an Owl, + Who continued to bother and howl; + He sat on a rail, and imbibed bitter ale, + Which refreshed that Old Man and his Owl. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man in a casement, + Who held up his hands in amazement; + When they said, "Sir, you'll fall!" he replied, "Not at all!" + That incipient Old Man in a casement. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Person of Ewell, + Who chiefly subsisted on gruel; + But to make it more nice, he inserted some Mice, + Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man of Peru. + Who never knew what he should do; + So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear, + That intrinsic Old Man of Peru. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man with a beard, + Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- + Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren, + Have all built their nests in my beard." + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady whose eyes + Were unique as to color and size; + When she opened them wide, people all turned aside, + And started away in surprise. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady of Ryde, + Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied; + She purchased some clogs, and some small spotty Dogs, + And frequently walked about Ryde. + + [Illustration] + + There was a Young Lady whose bonnet + Came untied when the birds sate upon it; + But she said, "I don't care! all the birds in the air + Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!" + + + + + * * * * * + + +NONSENSE SONGS + +Stories, Botany, and Alphabets + +by + +EDWARD LEAR. + +With One Hundred and Fifty Illustrations + + + + + + +[Illustration] + + + +CONTENTS. + + NONSENSE SONGS. + THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT + THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO + THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY + THE JUMBLIES + THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS + CALICO PIE + MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW + THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS THE TABLE AND THE + CHAIR + + NONSENSE STORIES. + THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD + THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE + + NONSENSE COOKERY + + NONSENSE BOTANY + + NONSENSE ALPHABET, No. 1 + " " No. 2 + " " No. 3 + + + + + +NONSENSE SONGS. + + +THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea + In a beautiful pea-green boat: + They took some honey, and plenty of money + Wrapped up in a five-pound note. + The Owl looked up to the stars above, + And sang to a small guitar, + "O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my love, + What a beautiful Pussy you are, + You are, + You are! + What a beautiful Pussy you are!" + + + II. + + Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl, + How charmingly sweet you sing! + Oh! let us be married; too long we have tarried: + But what shall we do for a ring?" + They sailed away, for a year and a day, + To the land where the bong-tree grows; + And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood, + With a ring at the end of his nose, + His nose, + His nose, + With a ring at the end of his nose. + + + III. + + "Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling + Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will." + So they took it away, and were married next day + By the Turkey who lives on the hill. + They dined on mince and slices of quince, + Which they ate with a runcible spoon; + And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, + They danced by the light of the moon, + The moon, + The moon, + They danced by the light of the moon. + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + Said the Duck to the Kangaroo, + "Good gracious! how you hop + Over the fields, and the water too, + As if you never would stop! + My life is a bore in this nasty pond; + And I long to go out in the world beyond: + I wish I could hop like you," + Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. + + + II. + + "Please give me a ride on your back," + Said the Duck to the Kangaroo: + "I would sit quite still, and say nothing but 'Quack' + The whole of the long day through; + And we 'd go the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee, + Over the land, and over the sea: + Please take me a ride! oh, do!" + Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. + + [Illustration] + + + III. + + Said the Kangaroo to the Duck, + "This requires some little reflection. + Perhaps, on the whole, it might bring me luck; + And there seems but one objection; + Which is, if you'll let me speak so bold, + Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold, + And would probably give me the roo- + Matiz," said the Kangaroo. + + [Illustration] + + + IV. + + Said the Duck, "As I sate on the rocks, + I have thought over that completely; + And I bought four pairs of worsted socks, + Which fit my web-feet neatly; + And, to keep out the cold, I've bought a cloak; + And every day a cigar I'll smoke; + All to follow my own dear true + Love of a Kangaroo." + + + V. + + Said the Kangaroo, "I'm ready, + All in the moonlight pale; + But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit steady, + And quite at the end of my tail." + So away they went with a hop and a bound; + And they hopped the whole world three times round. + And who so happy, oh! who, + As the Duck and the Kangaroo? + + [Illustration] + + + + +THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + Once Mr. Daddy Long-legs, + Dressed in brown and gray, + Walked about upon the sands + Upon a summer's day: + And there among the pebbles, + When the wind was rather cold, + He met with Mr. Floppy Fly, + All dressed in blue and gold; + And, as it was too soon to dine, + They drank some periwinkle-wine, + And played an hour or two, or more, + At battlecock and shuttledore. + + + II. + + Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs + To Mr. Floppy Fly, + "Why do you never come to court? + I wish you 'd tell me why. + All gold and shine, in dress so fine, + You'd quite delight the court. + Why do you never go at all? + I really think you _ought_. + And, if you went, you'd see such sights! + Such rugs and jugs and candle-lights! + And, more than all, the king and queen,-- + One in red, and one in green." + + + III. + + "O Mr. Daddy Long-legs!" + Said Mr. Floppy Fly, + "It's true I never go to court; + And I will tell you why. + If I had six long legs like yours, + At once I'd go to court; + But, oh! I can't, because _my_ legs + Are so extremely short. + And I'm afraid the king and queen + (One in red, and one in green) + Would say aloud, 'You are not fit, + You Fly, to come to court a bit!'" + + + IV. + + "Oh, Mr. Daddy Long-legs!" + Said Mr. Floppy Fly, + "I wish you 'd sing one little song, + One mumbian melody. + You used to sing so awful well + In former days gone by; + But now you never sing at all: + I wish you'd tell me why: + For, if you would, the silvery sound + Would please the shrimps and cockles round, + And all the crabs would gladly come + To hear you sing, 'Ah, Hum di Hum!'" + + + V. + + Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs, + "I can never sing again; + And, if you wish, I'll tell you why, + Although it gives me pain. + For years I cannot hum a bit, + Or sing the smallest song; + And this the dreadful reason is,-- + My legs are grown too long! + My six long legs, all here and there, + Oppress my bosom with despair; + And, if I stand or lie or sit, + I cannot sing one single bit!" + + + VI. + + So Mr. Daddy Long-legs + And Mr. Floppy Fly + Sat down in silence by the sea, + And gazed upon the sky. + They said, "This is a dreadful thing! + The world has all gone wrong, + Since one has legs too short by half, + The other much too long. + One never more can go to court, + Because his legs have grown too short; + The other cannot sing a song, + Because his legs have grown too long!" + + + VII. + + Then Mr. Daddy Long-legs + And Mr. Floppy Fly + Rushed downward to the foamy sea + With one sponge-taneous cry: + And there they found a little boat, + Whose sails were pink and gray; + And off they sailed among the waves, + Far and far away: + They sailed across the silent main, + And reached the great Gromboolian Plain; + And there they play forevermore + At battlecock and shuttledore. + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE JUMBLIES. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + They went to sea in a sieve, they did; + In a sieve they went to sea: + In spite of all their friends could say, + On a winter's morn, on a stormy day, + In a sieve they went to sea. + And when the sieve turned round and round, + And every one cried, "You'll all be drowned!" + They called aloud, "Our sieve ain't big; + But we don't care a button, we don't care a fig: + In a sieve we'll go to sea!" + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + II. + + They sailed away in a sieve, they did, + In a sieve they sailed so fast, + With only a beautiful pea-green veil + Tied with a ribbon, by way of a sail, + To a small tobacco-pipe mast. + And every one said who saw them go, + "Oh! won't they be soon upset, you know? + For the sky is dark, and the voyage is long; + And, happen what may, it's extremely wrong + In a sieve to sail so fast." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + III. + + The water it soon came in, it did; + The water it soon came in: + So, to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet + In a pinky paper all folded neat; + And they fastened it down with a pin. + And they passed the night in a crockery-jar; + And each of them said, "How wise we are! + Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long, + Yet we never can think we were rash or wrong, + While round in our sieve we spin." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + IV. + + And all night long they sailed away; + And when the sun went down, + They whistled and warbled a moony song + To the echoing sound of a coppery gong, + In the shade of the mountains brown. + "O Timballoo! How happy we are + When we live in a sieve and a crockery-jar! + And all night long, in the moonlight pale, + We sail away with a pea-green sail + In the shade of the mountains brown." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + V. + + They sailed to the Western Sea, they did,-- + To a land all covered with trees: + And they bought an owl, and a useful cart, + And a pound of rice, and a cranberry-tart, + And a hive of silvery bees; + And they bought a pig, and some green jackdaws, + And a lovely monkey with lollipop paws, + And forty bottles of ring-bo-ree, + And no end of Stilton cheese. + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + VI. + + And in twenty years they all came back,-- + In twenty years or more; + And every one said, "How tall they've grown! + For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone, + And the hills of the Chankly Bore." + And they drank their health, and gave them a feast + Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast; + And every one said, "If we only live, + We, too, will go to sea in a sieve, + To the hills of the Chankly Bore." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + + +THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + The Nutcrackers sate by a plate on the table; + The Sugar-tongs sate by a plate at his side; + And the Nutcrackers said, "Don't you wish we were able + Along the blue hills and green meadows to ride? + Must we drag on this stupid existence forever, + So idle and weary, so full of remorse, + While every one else takes his pleasure, and never + Seems happy unless he is riding a horse? + + + II. + + "Don't you think we could ride without being instructed, + Without any saddle or bridle or spur? + Our legs are so long, and so aptly constructed, + I'm sure that an accident could not occur. + Let us all of a sudden hop down from the table, + And hustle downstairs, and each jump on a horse! + Shall we try? Shall we go? Do you think we are able?" + The Sugar-tongs answered distinctly, "Of course!" + + + III. + + So down the long staircase they hopped in a minute; + The Sugar-tongs snapped, and the Crackers said "Crack!" + The stable was open; the horses were in it: + Each took out a pony, and jumped on his back. + The Cat in a fright scrambled out of the doorway; + The Mice tumbled out of a bundle of hay; + The brown and white Rats, and the black ones from Norway, + Screamed out, "They are taking the horses away!" + + + IV. + + The whole of the household was filled with amazement: + The Cups and the Saucers danced madly about; + The Plates and the Dishes looked out of the casement; + The Salt-cellar stood on his head with a shout; + The Spoons, with a clatter, looked out of the lattice; + The Mustard-pot climbed up the gooseberry-pies; + The Soup-ladle peeped through a heap of veal-patties, + And squeaked with a ladle-like scream of surprise. + + + V. + + The Frying-pan said, "It's an awful delusion!" + The Tea-kettle hissed, and grew black in the face; + And they all rushed downstairs in the wildest confusion + To see the great Nutcracker-Sugar-tong race. + And out of the stable, with screamings and laughter + (Their ponies were cream-colored, speckled with brown), + The Nutcrackers first, and the Sugar-tongs after; + Rode all round the yard, and then all round the town. + + + VI. + + They rode through the street, and they rode by the station; + They galloped away to the beautiful shore; + In silence they rode, and "made no observation," + Save this: "We will never go back any more!" + And still you might hear, till they rode out of hearing, + The Sugar-tongs snap, and the Crackers say "Crack!" + Till, far in the distance their forms disappearing, + They faded away; and they never came back! + + + + +CALICO PIE. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + Calico pie, + The little birds fly + Down to the calico-tree: + Their wings were blue, + And they sang "Tilly-loo!" + Till away they flew; + And they never came back to me! + They never came back, + They never came back, + They never came back to me! + + + II. + + Calico jam, + The little Fish swam + Over the Syllabub Sea. + He took off his hat + To the Sole and the Sprat, + And the Willeby-wat: + But he never came back to me; + He never came back, + He never came back, + He never came back to me. + + [Illustration] + + + III. + + Calico ban, + The little Mice ran + To be ready in time for tea; + Flippity flup, + They drank it all up, + And danced in the cup: + But they never came back to me; + They never came back, + They never came back, + They never came back to me. + + [Illustration] + + + IV. + + Calico drum, + The Grasshoppers come, + The Butterfly, Beetle, and Bee, + Over the ground, + Around and round, + With a hop and a bound; + But they never came back, + They never came back, + They never came back. + They never came back to me. + + [Illustration] + + + + +MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + On a little piece of wood + Mr. Spikky Sparrow stood: + Mrs. Sparrow sate close by, + A-making of an insect-pie + For her little children five, + In the nest and all alive; + Singing with a cheerful smile, + To amuse them all the while, + "Twikky wikky wikky wee, + Wikky bikky twikky tee, + Spikky bikky bee!" + + + II. + + Mrs. Spikky Sparrow said, + "Spikky, darling! in my head + Many thoughts of trouble come, + Like to flies upon a plum. + All last night, among the trees, + I heard you cough, I heard you sneeze; + And thought I, 'It's come to that + Because he does not wear a hat!' + Chippy wippy sikky tee, + Bikky wikky tikky mee, + Spikky chippy wee! + + + III. + + "Not that you are growing old; + But the nights are growing cold. + No one stays out all night long + Without a hat: I'm sure it's wrong!" + Mr. Spikky said, "How kind, + Dear, you are, to speak your mind! + All your life I wish you luck! + You are, you are, a lovely duck! + Witchy witchy witchy wee, + Twitchy witchy witchy bee, + Tikky tikky tee! + + + IV. + + "I was also sad, and thinking, + When one day I saw you winking, + And I heard you sniffle-snuffle, + And I saw your feathers ruffle: + To myself I sadly said, + 'She's neuralgia in her head! + That dear head has nothing on it! + Ought she not to wear a bonnet?' + Witchy kitchy kitchy wee, + Spikky wikky mikky bee, + Chippy wippy chee! + + + V. + + "Let us both fly up to town: + There I'll buy you such a gown! + Which, completely in the fashion, + You shall tie a sky-blue sash on; + And a pair of slippers neat + To fit your darling little feet, + So that you will look and feel + Quite galloobious and genteel. + Jikky wikky bikky see, + Chicky bikky wikky bee, + Twicky witchy wee!" + + + VI. + + So they both to London went, + Alighting on the Monument; + Whence they flew down swiftly--pop! + Into Moses' wholesale shop: + There they bought a hat and bonnet, + And a gown with spots upon it, + A satin sash of Cloxam blue, + And a pair of slippers too. + Zikky wikky mikky bee, + Witchy witchy mitchy kee, + Sikky tikky wee! + + + VII. + + Then, when so completely dressed, + Back they flew, and reached their nest. + Their children cried, "O ma and pa! + How truly beautiful you are!" + Said they, "We trust that cold or pain + We shall never feel again; + While, perched on tree or house or steeple, + We now shall look like other people. + Witchy witchy witchy wee, + Twikky mikky bikky bee, + Zikky sikky tee!" + + [Illustration] + + + + +THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + The Broom and the Shovel, the Poker and Tongs, + They all took a drive in the Park; + And they each sang a song, ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! + Before they went back in the dark. + Mr. Poker he sate quite upright in the coach; + Mr. Tongs made a clatter and clash; + Miss Shovel was dressed all in black (with a brooch); + Mrs. Broom was in blue (with a sash). + Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! + And they all sang a song. + + + II. + + "O Shovely so lovely!" the Poker he sang, + "You have perfectly conquered my heart. + Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! If you're pleased with my song, + I will feed you with cold apple-tart. + When you scrape up the coals with a delicate sound, + You enrapture my life with delight, + Your nose is so shiny, your head is so round, + And your shape is so slender and bright! + Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! + Ain't you pleased with my song?" + + + III. + + "Alas! Mrs. Broom," sighed the Tongs in his song, + "Oh! is it because I'm so thin, + And my legs are so long,--ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!-- + That you don't care about me a pin? + Ah! fairest of creatures, when sweeping the room, + Ah! why don't you heed my complaint? + Must you needs be so cruel, you beautiful Broom, + Because you are covered with paint? + Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! + You are certainly wrong." + + + IV. + + Mrs. Broom and Miss Shovel together they sang, + "What nonsense you're singing to-day!" + Said the Shovel, "I'll certainly hit you a bang!" + Said the Broom, "And I'll sweep you away!" + So the coachman drove homeward as fast as he could, + Perceiving their anger with pain; + But they put on the kettle, and little by little + They all became happy again. + Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! + There's an end of my song. + + + + +THE TABLE AND THE CHAIR. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + Said the Table to the Chair, + "You can hardly be aware + How I suffer from the heat + And from chilblains on my feet. + If we took a little walk, + We might have a little talk; + Pray let us take the air," + Said the Table to the Chair. + + + II. + + Said the Chair unto the Table, + "Now, you _know_ we are not able: + How foolishly you talk, + When you know we _cannot_ walk!" + Said the Table with a sigh, + "It can do no harm to try. + I've as many legs as you: + Why can't we walk on two?" + + + III. + + So they both went slowly down, + And walked about the town + With a cheerful bumpy sound + As they toddled round and round; + And everybody cried, + As they hastened to their side, + "See! the Table and the Chair + Have come out to take the air!" + + + IV. + + But in going down an alley, + To a castle in a valley, + They completely lost their way, + And wandered all the day; + Till, to see them safely back, + They paid a Ducky-quack, + And a Beetle, and a Mouse, + Who took them to their house. + + [Illustration] + + + V. + + Then they whispered to each other, + "O delightful little brother, + What a lovely walk we've taken! + Let us dine on beans and bacon." + So the Ducky and the leetle + Browny-Mousy and the Beetle + Dined, and danced upon their heads + Till they toddled to their beds. + + [Illustration] + + * * * * * + + + + +NONSENSE STORIES. + + +THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD. + +Once upon a time, a long while ago, there were four little people whose +names were + +[Illustration] + +VIOLET, SLINGSBY, GUY, and LIONEL; +and they all thought they should like to see the world. So they bought a +large boat to sail quite round the world by sea, and then they were to come +back on the other side by land. The boat was painted blue with green spots, +and the sail was yellow with red stripes: and, when they set off, they only +took a small Cat to steer and look after the boat, besides an elderly +Quangle-Wangle, who had to cook the dinner and make the tea; for which +purposes they took a large kettle. + +[Illustration] + +For the first ten days they sailed on beautifully, and found plenty to eat, +as there were lots of fish; and they had only to take them out of the sea +with a long spoon, when the Quangle-Wangle instantly cooked them; and the +Pussy-Cat was fed with the bones, with which she expressed herself pleased, +on the whole: so that all the party were very happy. + +During the daytime, Violet chiefly occupied herself in putting salt water +into a churn; while her three brothers churned it violently, in the hope +that it would turn into butter, which it seldom if ever did; and in the +evening they all retired into the tea-kettle, where they all managed to +sleep very comfortably, while Pussy and the Quangle-Wangle managed the +boat. + +[Illustration] + +After a time, they saw some land at a distance; and, when they came to it, +they found it was an island made of water quite surrounded by earth. +Besides that, it was bordered by evanescent isthmuses, with a great +gulf-stream running about all over it; so that it was perfectly beautiful, +and contained only a single tree, 503 feet high. + +When they had landed, they walked about, but found, to their great +surprise, that the island was quite full of veal-cutlets and +chocolate-drops, and nothing else. So they all climbed up the single high +tree to discover, if possible, if there were any people; but having +remained on the top of the tree for a week, and not seeing anybody, they +naturally concluded that there were no inhabitants; and accordingly, when +they came down, they loaded the boat with two thousand veal-cutlets and a +million of chocolate-drops; and these afforded them sustenance for more +than a month, during which time they pursued their voyage with the utmost +delight and apathy. + +[Illustration] + +After this they came to a shore where there were no less than sixty-five +great red parrots with blue tails, sitting on a rail all of a row, and all +fast asleep. And I am sorry to say that the Pussy-Cat and the +Quangle-Wangle crept softly, and bit off the tail-feathers of all the +sixty-five parrots; for which Violet reproved them both severely. + +[Illustration] + +Notwithstanding which, she proceeded to insert all the feathers--two +hundred and sixty in number--in her bonnet; thereby causing it to have a +lovely and glittering appearance, highly prepossessing and efficacious. + +[Illustration] + +The next thing that happened to them was in a narrow part of the sea, which +was so entirely full of fishes that the boat could go on no farther: so +they remained there about six weeks, till they had eaten nearly all the +fishes, which were soles, and all ready-cooked, and covered with +shrimp-sauce, so that there was no trouble whatever. And as the few fishes +who remained uneaten complained of the cold, as well as of the difficulty +they had in getting any sleep on account of the extreme noise made by the +arctic bears and the tropical turnspits, which frequented the neighborhood +in great numbers, Violet most amiably knitted a small woollen frock for +several of the fishes, and Slingsby administered some opium-drops to them; +through which kindness they became quite warm, and slept soundly. + +[Illustration] + +Then they came to a country which was wholly covered with immense +orange-trees of a vast size, and quite full of fruit. So they all landed, +taking with them the tea-kettle, intending to gather some of the oranges, +and place them in it. But, while they were busy about this, a most +dreadfully high wind rose, and blew out most of the parrot-tail feathers +from Violet's bonnet. That, however, was nothing compared with the calamity +of the oranges falling down on their heads by millions and millions, which +thumped and bumped and bumped and thumped them all so seriously, that they +were obliged to run as hard as they could for their lives; besides that the +sound of the oranges rattling on the tea-kettle was of the most fearful and +amazing nature. + +[Illustration] + +Nevertheless, they got safely to the boat, although considerably vexed and +hurt; and the Quangle-Wangle's right foot was so knocked about, that he had +to sit with his head in his slipper for at least a week. + +[Illustration] + +This event made them all for a time rather melancholy: and perhaps they +might never have become less so, had not Lionel, with a most praiseworthy +devotion and perseverance, continued to stand on one leg, and whistle to +them in a loud and lively manner; which diverted the whole party so +extremely that they gradually recovered their spirits, and agreed that +whenever they should reach home, they would subscribe towards a testimonial +to Lionel, entirely made of gingerbread and raspberries, as an earnest +token of their sincere and grateful infection. + +[Illustration] + +After sailing on calmly for several more days, they came to another +country, where they were much pleased and surprised to see a countless +multitude of white Mice with red eyes, all sitting in a great circle, +slowly eating custard-pudding with the most satisfactory and polite +demeanor. + +[Illustration] + +And as the four travellers were rather hungry, being tired of eating +nothing but soles and oranges for so long a period, they held a council as +to the propriety of asking the Mice for some of their pudding in a humble +and affecting manner, by which they could hardly be otherwise than +gratified. It was agreed, therefore, that Guy should go and ask the Mice, +which he immediately did; and the result was, that they gave a walnut-shell +only half full of custard diluted with water. Now, this displeased Guy, who +said, "Out of such a lot of pudding as you have got, I must say, you might +have spared a somewhat larger quantity." But no sooner had he finished +speaking than the Mice turned round at once, and sneezed at him in an +appalling and vindictive manner (and it is impossible to imagine a more +scroobious and unpleasant sound than that caused by the simultaneous +sneezing of many millions of angry Mice); so that Guy rushed back to the +boat, having first shied his cap into the middle of the custard-pudding, by +which means he completely spoiled the Mice's dinner. + +[Illustration] + +By and by the four children came to a country where there were no houses, +but only an incredibly innumerable number of large bottles without corks, +and of a dazzling and sweetly susceptible blue color. Each of these blue +bottles contained a Blue-Bottle-Fly; and all these interesting animals live +continually together in the most copious and rural harmony: nor perhaps in +many parts of the world is such perfect and abject happiness to be found. +Violet and Slingsby and Guy and Lionel were greatly struck with this +singular and instructive settlement; and, having previously asked +permission of the Blue-Bottle-Flies (which was most courteously granted), +the boat was drawn up to the shore, and they proceeded to make tea in front +of the bottles: but as they had no tea-leaves, they merely placed some +pebbles in the hot water; and the Quangle-Wangle played some tunes over it +on an accordion, by which, of course, tea was made directly, and of the +very best quality. + +The four children then entered into conversation with the +Blue-Bottle-Flies, who discoursed in a placid and genteel manner, though +with a slightly buzzing accent, chiefly owing to the fact that they each +held a small clothes-brush between their teeth, which naturally occasioned +a fizzy, extraneous utterance. + +"Why," said Violet, "would you kindly inform us, do you reside in bottles; +and, if in bottles at all, why not, rather, in green or purple, or, indeed, +in yellow bottles?" + +To which questions a very aged Blue-Bottle-Fly answered, "We found the +bottles here all ready to live in; that is to say, our great-great-great- +great-great-grandfathers did: so we occupied them at once. And, when the +winter comes on, we turn the bottles upside down, and consequently rarely +feel the cold at all; and you know very well that this could not be the +case with bottles of any other color than blue." + +"Of course it could not," said Slingsby. "But, if we may take the liberty +of inquiring, on what do you chiefly subsist?" + +"Mainly on oyster-patties," said the Blue-Bottle-Fly; "and, when these are +scarce, on raspberry vinegar and Russian leather boiled down to a jelly." + +"How delicious!" said Guy. + +To which Lionel added, "Huzz!" And all the Blue-Bottle-Flies said, "Buzz!" + +At this time, an elderly Fly said it was the hour for the evening-song to +be sung; and, on a signal being given, all the Blue-Bottle-Flies began to +buzz at once in a sumptuous and sonorous manner, the melodious and +mucilaginous sounds echoing all over the waters, and resounding across the +tumultuous tops of the transitory titmice upon the intervening and verdant +mountains with a serene and sickly suavity only known to the truly +virtuous. The Moon was shining slobaciously from the star-bespangled sky, +while her light irrigated the smooth and shiny sides and wings and backs of +the Blue-Bottle-Flies with a peculiar and trivial splendor, while all +Nature cheerfully responded to the cerulean and conspicuous circumstances. + +In many long-after years, the four little travellers looked back to that +evening as one of the happiest in all their lives; and it was already past +midnight when--the sail of the boat having been set up by the +Quangle-Wangle, the tea-kettle and churn placed in their respective +positions, and the Pussy-Cat stationed at the helm--the children each took +a last and affectionate farewell of the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who walked down +in a body to the water's edge to see the travellers embark. + +[Illustration] + +As a token of parting respect and esteem, Violet made a courtesy quite down +to the ground, and stuck one of her few remaining parrot-tail feathers into +the back hair of the most pleasing of the Blue-Bottle-Flies; while +Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel offered them three small boxes, containing, +respectively, black pins, dried figs, and Epsom salts; and thus they left +that happy shore forever. + +Overcome by their feelings, the four little travellers instantly jumped +into the tea-kettle, and fell fast asleep. But all along the shore, for +many hours, there was distinctly heard a sound of severely-suppressed sobs, +and of a vague multitude of living creatures using their +pocket-handkerchiefs in a subdued simultaneous snuffle, lingering sadly +along the walloping waves as the boat sailed farther and farther away from +the Land of the Happy Blue-Bottle-Flies. + +Nothing particular occurred for some days after these events, except that, +as the travellers were passing a low tract of sand, they perceived an +unusual and gratifying spectacle; namely, a large number of Crabs and +Crawfish--perhaps six or seven hundred--sitting by the water-side, and +endeavoring to disentangle a vast heap of pale pink worsted, which they +moistened at intervals with a fluid composed of lavender-water and +white-wine negus. + +"Can we be of any service to you, O crusty Crabbies?" said the four +children. + +"Thank you kindly," said the Crabs consecutively. "We are trying to make +some worsted mittens, but do not know how." + +On which Violet, who was perfectly acquainted with the art of +mitten-making, said to the Crabs, "Do your claws unscrew, or are they +fixtures?" + +"They are all made to unscrew," said the Crabs; and forthwith they +deposited a great pile of claws close to the boat, with which Violet +uncombed all the pale pink worsted, and then made the loveliest mittens +with it you can imagine. These the Crabs, having resumed and screwed on +their claws, placed cheerfully upon their wrists, and walked away rapidly +on their hind-legs, warbling songs with a silvery voice and in a minor key. + +After this, the four little people sailed on again till they came to a vast +and wide plain of astonishing dimensions, on which nothing whatever could +be discovered at first; but, as the travellers walked onward, there +appeared in the extreme and dim distance a single object, which on a nearer +approach, and on an accurately cutaneous inspection, seemed to be somebody +in a large white wig, sitting on an arm-chair made of sponge-cakes and +oyster-shells. "It does not quite look like a human being," said Violet +doubtfully; nor could they make out what it really was, till the +Quangle-Wangle (who had previously been round the world) exclaimed softly +in a loud voice, "It is the co-operative Cauliflower!" + +[Illustration] + +And so, in truth, it was: and they soon found that what they had taken for +an immense wig was in reality the top of the Cauliflower; and that he had +no feet at all, being able to walk tolerably well with a fluctuating and +graceful movement on a single cabbage-stalk,--an accomplishment which +naturally saved him the expense of stockings and shoes. + +Presently, while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him with +mingled affection and disgust, he suddenly arose, and, in a somewhat +plumdomphious manner, hurried off towards the setting sun,--his steps +supported by two superincumbent confidential Cucumbers, and a large number +of Waterwagtails proceeding in advance of him by three and three in a +row,--till he finally disappeared on the brink of the western sky in a +crystal cloud of sudorific sand. + +[Illustration] + +So remarkable a sight, of course, impressed the four children very deeply; +and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense of +undeveloped asthma and a great appetite. + +Shortly after this, the travellers were obliged to sail directly below some +high overhanging rocks, from the top of one of which a particularly odious +little boy, dressed in rose-colored knickerbockers, and with a pewter plate +upon his head, threw an enormous pumpkin at the boat, by which it was +instantly upset. + +[Illustration] + +But this upsetting was of no consequence, because all the party knew how to +swim very well: and, in fact, they preferred swimming about till after the +moon rose; when, the water growing chilly, they sponge-taneously entered +the boat. Meanwhile the Quangle-Wangle threw back the pumpkin with immense +force, so that it hit the rocks where the malicious little boy in +rose-colored knickerbockers was sitting; when, being quite full of +lucifer-matches, the pumpkin exploded surreptitiously into a thousand bits; +whereon the rocks instantly took fire, and the odious little boy became +unpleasantly hotter and hotter and hotter, till his knickerbockers were +turned quite green, and his nose was burnt off. + +Two or three days after this had happened, they came to another place, +where they found nothing at all except some wide and deep pits full of +mulberry-jam. This is the property of the tiny, yellow-nosed Apes who +abound in these districts, and who store up the mulberry-jam for their food +in winter, when they mix it with pellucid pale periwinkle-soup, and serve +it out in wedgewood china-bowls, which grow freely all over that part of +the country. Only one of the yellow-nosed Apes was on the spot, and he was +fast asleep; yet the four travellers and the Quangle-Wangle and Pussy were +so terrified by the violence and sanguinary sound of his snoring, that they +merely took a small cupful of the jam, and returned to re-embark in their +boat without delay. + +What was their horror on seeing the boat (including the churn and the +tea-kettle) in the mouth of an enormous Seeze Pyder, an aquatic and +ferocious creature truly dreadful to behold, and, happily, only met with in +those excessive longitudes! In a moment, the beautiful boat was bitten into +fifty-five thousand million hundred billion bits; and it instantly became +quite clear that Violet, Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel could no longer +preliminate their voyage by sea. + +The four travellers were therefore obliged to resolve on pursuing their +wanderings by land: and, very fortunately, there happened to pass by at +that moment an elderly Rhinoceros, on which they seized; and, all four +mounting on his back,--the Quangle-Wangle sitting on his horn, and holding +on by his ears, and the Pussy-Cat swinging at the end of his tail,--they +set off, having only four small beans and three pounds of mashed potatoes +to last through their whole journey. + +[Illustration] + +They were, however, able to catch numbers of the chickens and turkeys and +other birds who incessantly alighted on the head of the Rhinoceros for the +purpose of gathering the seeds of the rhododendron-plants which grew +there; and these creatures they cooked in the most translucent and +satisfactory manner by means of a fire lighted on the end of the +Rhinoceros's back. A crowd of Kangaroos and gigantic Cranes accompanied +them, from feelings of curiosity and complacency; so that they were never +at a loss for company, and went onward, as it were, in a sort of profuse +and triumphant procession. + +Thus in less than eighteen weeks they all arrived safely at home, where +they were received by their admiring relatives with joy tempered with +contempt, and where they finally resolved to carry out the rest of their +travelling-plans at some more favorable opportunity. + +As for the Rhinoceros, in token of their grateful adherence, they had him +killed and stuffed directly, and then set him up outside the door of their +father's house as a diaphanous doorscraper. + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF +THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE. + + +CHAPTER I. + +INTRODUCTORY. + +In former days,--that is to say, once upon a time,--there lived in the Land +of Gramble-Blamble seven families. They lived by the side of the great Lake +Pipple-Popple (one of the seven families, indeed, lived _in_ the lake), and +on the outskirts of the city of Tosh, which, excepting when it was quite +dark, they could see plainly. The names of all these places you have +probably heard of; and you have only not to look in your geography-books to +find out all about them. + +Now, the seven families who lived on the borders of the great Lake +Pipple-Popple were as follows in the next chapter. + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE SEVEN FAMILIES. + +There was a family of two old Parrots and seven young Parrots. + +[Illustration] + +There was a family of two old Storks and seven young Storks. + +[Illustration] + +There was a family of two old Geese and seven young Geese. + +[Illustration] + +There was a family of two old Owls and seven young Owls. + +[Illustration] + +There was a family of two old Guinea Pigs and seven young Guinea Pigs. + +[Illustration] + +There was a family of two old Cats and seven young Cats. + +[Illustration] + +And there was a family of two old Fishes and seven young Fishes. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER III. + +THE HABITS OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES. + +The Parrots lived upon the Soffsky-Poffsky trees, which were beautiful to +behold, and covered with blue leaves; and they fed upon fruit, artichokes, +and striped beetles. + +The Storks walked in and out of the Lake Pipple-Popple, and ate frogs for +breakfast, and buttered toast for tea; but on account of the extreme length +of their legs they could not sit down, and so they walked about +continually. + +The Geese, having webs to their feet, caught quantities of flies, which +they ate for dinner. + +The Owls anxiously looked after mice, which they caught, and made into +sago-puddings. + +The Guinea Pigs toddled about the gardens, and ate lettuces and Cheshire +cheese. + +The Cats sate still in the sunshine, and fed upon sponge biscuits. + +The Fishes lived in the lake, and fed chiefly on boiled periwinkles. + +And all these seven families lived together in the utmost fun and felicity. + + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE CHILDREN OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES ARE SENT AWAY. + +One day all the seven fathers and the seven mothers of the seven families +agreed that they would send their children out to see the world. + +So they called them all together, and gave them each eight shillings and +some good advice, some chocolate-drops, and a small green morocco +pocket-book to set down their expenses in. + +They then particularly entreated them not to quarrel; and all the parents +sent off their children with a parting injunction. + +"If," said the old Parrots, "you find a cherry, do not fight about who +should have it." + +"And," said the old Storks, "if you find a frog, divide it carefully into +seven bits, but on no account quarrel about it." + +And the old Geese said to the seven young Geese, "Whatever you do, be sure +you do not touch a plum-pudding flea." + +And the old Owls said, "If you find a mouse, tear him up into seven slices, +and eat him cheerfully, but without quarrelling." + +And the old Guinea Pigs said, "Have a care that you eat your lettuces, +should you find any, not greedily, but calmly." + +And the old Cats said, "Be particularly careful not to meddle with a +clangle-wangle if you should see one." + +And the old Fishes said, "Above all things, avoid eating a blue boss-woss; +for they do not agree with fishes, and give them a pain in their toes." + +So all the children of each family thanked their parents; and, making in +all forty-nine polite bows, they went into the wide world. + + + +CHAPTER V. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG PARROTS. + +The seven young Parrots had not gone far, when they saw a tree with a +single cherry on it, which the oldest Parrot picked instantly; but the +other six, being extremely hungry, tried to get it also. On which all the +seven began to fight; and they +scuffled, + and huffled, + and ruffled, + and shuffled, + and puffled, + and muffled, + and buffled, + and duffled, + and fluffled, + and guffled, + and bruffled, + and screamed, and shrieked, and squealed, +and squeaked, and clawed, and snapped, and bit, and bumped, and thumped, +and dumped, and flumped each other, till they were all torn into little +bits; and at last there was nothing left to record this painful incident +except the cherry and seven small green feathers. + +And that was the vicious and voluble end of the seven young Parrots. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER VI. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS. + +When the seven young Storks set out, they walked or flew for fourteen weeks +in a straight line, and for six weeks more in a crooked one; and after that +they ran as hard as they could for one hundred and eight miles; and after +that they stood still, and made a himmeltanious chatter-clatter-blattery +noise with their bills. + +About the same time they perceived a large frog, spotted with green, and +with a sky-blue stripe under each ear. + +So, being hungry, they immediately flew at him, and were going to divide +him into seven pieces, when they began to quarrel as to which of his legs +should be taken off first. One said this, and another said that; and while +they were all quarrelling, the frog hopped away. And when they saw that he +was gone, they began to + chatter-clatter, + blatter-platter, + patter-blatter, + matter-clatter, + flatter-quatter, +more violently than ever; and after they +had fought for a week, they pecked each other all to little pieces, so that +at last nothing was left of any of them except their bills. + +And that was the end of the seven young Storks. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE. + +When the seven young Geese began to travel, they went over a large plain, +on which there was but one tree, and that was, a very bad one. + +So four of them went up to the top of it, and looked about them; while the +other three waddled up and down, and repeated poetry, and their last six +lessons in arithmetic, geography, and cookery. + +Presently they perceived, a long way off, an object of the most interesting +and obese appearance, having a perfectly round body exactly resembling a +boiled plum-pudding, with two little wings, and a beak, and three feathers +growing out of his head, and only one leg. + +So, after a time, all the seven young Geese said to each other, "Beyond all +doubt this beast must be a Plum-pudding Flea!" + +On which they incautiously began to sing aloud, + + "Plum-pudding Flea, + Plum-pudding Flea, + Wherever you be, + Oh! come to our tree, + And listen, oh! listen, oh! listen to me!" + +And no sooner had they sung this verse than the Plum-pudding Flea began to +hop and skip on his one leg with the most dreadful velocity, and came +straight to the tree, where he stopped, and looked about him in a vacant +and voluminous manner. + +On which the seven young Geese were greatly alarmed, and all of a +tremble-bemble: so one of them put out his long neck, and just touched him +with the tip of his bill; but no sooner had he done this than the +Plum-pudding Flea skipped and hopped about more and more, and higher and +higher; after which he opened his mouth, and, to the great surprise and +indignation of the seven Geese, began to bark so loudly and furiously and +terribly, that they were totally unable to bear the noise; and by degrees +every one of them suddenly tumbled down quite dead. + +So that was the end of the seven young Geese. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS. + +When the seven young Owls set out, they sate every now and then on the +branches of old trees, and never went far at one time. + +And one night, when it was quite dark, they thought they heard a mouse; +but, as the gas-lamps were not lighted, they could not see him. + +So they called out, "Is that a mouse?" + +On which a mouse answered, "Squeaky-peeky-weeky! yes, it is!" + +And immediately all the young Owls threw themselves off the tree, meaning +to alight on the ground; but they did not perceive that there was a large +well below them, into which they all fell superficially, and were every one +of them drowned in less than half a minute. + +So that was the end of the seven young Owls. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER IX. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS. + +The seven young Guinea Pigs went into a garden full of goose-berry-bushes +and tiggory-trees, under one of which they fell asleep. When they awoke, +they saw a large lettuce, which had grown out of the ground while they had +been sleeping, and which had an immense number of green leaves. At which +they all exclaimed,-- + + "Lettuce! O lettuce + Let us, O let us, + O lettuce-leaves, + O let us leave this tree, and eat + Lettuce, O let us, lettuce-leaves!" + +And instantly the seven young Guinea Pigs rushed with such extreme force +against the lettuce-plant, and hit their heads so vividly against its +stalk, that the concussion brought on directly an incipient transitional +inflammation of their noses, which grew worse and worse and worse and +worse, till it incidentally killed them all seven. + +And that was the end of the seven young Guinea Pigs. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER X. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS. + +The seven young Cats set off on their travels with great delight and +rapacity. But, on coming to the top of a high hill, they perceived at a +long distance off a Clangle-Wangle (or, as it is more properly written, +Clangel-Wangel); and, in spite of the warning they had had, they ran +straight up to it. + +(Now, the Clangle-Wangle is a most dangerous and delusive beast, and by no +means commonly to be met with. They live in the water as well as on land, +using their long tail as a sail when in the former element. Their speed is +extreme; but their habits of life are domestic and superfluous, and their +general demeanor pensive and pellucid. On summer evenings, they may +sometimes be observed near the Lake Pipple-Popple, standing on their heads, +and humming their national melodies. They subsist entirely on vegetables, +excepting when they eat veal or mutton or pork or beef or fish or +saltpetre.) + +The moment the Clangle-Wangle saw the seven young Cats approach, he ran +away; and as he ran straight on for four months, and the Cats, though they +continued to run, could never overtake him, they all gradually _died_ of +fatigue and exhaustion, and never afterwards recovered. + +And this was the end of the seven young Cats. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER XI. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES. + +The seven young Fishes swam across the Lake Pipple-Popple, and into the +river, and into the ocean; where, most unhappily for them, they saw, on the +fifteenth day of their travels, a bright-blue Boss-Woss, and instantly swam +after him. But the Blue Boss-Woss plunged into a + perpendicular, + spicular, + orbicular, + quadrangular, + circular depth of soft mud; +where, in fact, his house was. + +And the seven young Fishes, swimming with great and uncomfortable velocity, +plunged also into the mud quite against their will, and, not being +accustomed to it, were all suffocated in a very short period. + +And that was the end of the seven young Fishes. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER XII. + +OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY. + +After it was known that the + + seven young Parrots, + and the seven young Storks, + and the seven young Geese, + and the seven young Owls, + and the seven young Guinea Pigs, + and the seven young Cats, + and the seven young Fishes, + +were all dead, then the Frog, and the Plum-pudding Flea, and the Mouse, and +the Clangle-Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, all met together to rejoice +over their good fortune. And they collected the seven feathers of the seven +young Parrots, and the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and the +lettuce, and the cherry; and having placed the latter on the lettuce, and +the other objects in a circular arrangement at their base, they danced a +hornpipe round all these memorials until they were quite tired; after which +they gave a tea-party, and a garden-party, and a ball, and a concert, and +then returned to their respective homes full of joy and respect, sympathy, +satisfaction, and disgust. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FORTY-NINE CHILDREN. + +BUT when the two old Parrots, + and the two old Storks, + and the two old Geese, + and the two old Owls, + and the two old Guinea Pigs, + and the two old Cats, + and the two old Fishes, + +became aware, by reading in the newspapers, of the calamitous extinction of +the whole of their families, they refused all further sustenance; and, +sending out to various shops, they purchased great quantities of Cayenne +pepper and brandy and vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven immense +glass bottles with air-tight stoppers. And, having done this, they ate a +light supper of brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, and took an +affecting and formal leave of the whole of their acquaintance, which was +very numerous and distinguished and select and responsible and ridiculous. + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +CONCLUSION. + +And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling, +and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course, +they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes; +having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent +lawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that the +stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the blue +sealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles, +should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to be +labelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be +placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection +and contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous +public. + +And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in +the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four +hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing +of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not, +you certainly will not see them. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + + + + + NONSENSE COOKERY. + +Extract from "The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870. + +"Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our +valued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields of +culinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. The +first three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery of +every family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; and +we are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh's kindness, to present our +readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are +found in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the +summit of the Hill Orfeltugg." + + + +THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY. + + +TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE. + +Take 4 pounds (say 4-1/2 pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a +small pipkin. + +Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which +add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more. + +When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them +out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well +previously. + +Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered +gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper. + +Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back +again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan +violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color. + +Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the +same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number +of oysters. + +Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from +time to time. + +Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as +possible. + + +TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS. + +Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest +possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller,--eight, or perhaps +nine times. + +When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new +clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon +or a soup-ladle. + +Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place,--say the +roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds,--and leave it +there for about a week. + +At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a +few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified +Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use. + +Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean +table-cloth or dinner-napkin. + + +TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES. + +Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a +post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast +chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats +these, constantly provide him with more. + +Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of +foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, +and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen. + +When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig +violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again. + +Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain +if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky +Patties. + +If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let +loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished. + + * * * * * + + + + +NONSENSE BOTANY. + + +[Illustration: Baccopipia Gracilis.] + +[Illustration: Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia.] + +[Illustration: Cockatooca Superba.] + +[Illustration: Fishia Marina.] + +[Illustration: Guittara Pensilis.] + +[Illustration: Manypeeplia Upsidownia.] + +[Illustration: Phattfacia Stupenda.] + +[Illustration: Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis.] + +[Illustration: Plumbunnia Nutritiosa.] + +[Illustration: Pollybirdia Singularis.] + + * * * * * + + + + +NONSENSE ALPHABETS. + + + A + + [Illustration] + + A was an ant + Who seldom stood still, + And who made a nice house + In the side of a hill. + + a! + Nice little ant! + + + B + + [Illustration] + + B was a book + With a binding of blue, + And pictures and stories + For me and for you. + + b! + Nice little book! + + + C + + [Illustration] + + C was a cat + Who ran after a rat; + But his courage did fail + When she seized on his tail. + + c! + Crafty old cat! + + + D + + [Illustration] + + D was a duck + With spots on his back, + Who lived in the water, + And always said "Quack!" + + d! + Dear little duck! + + + E + + [Illustration] + + E was an elephant, + Stately and wise: + He had tusks and a trunk, + And two queer little eyes. + + e! + Oh, what funny small eyes! + + + F + + [Illustration] + + + F was a fish + Who was caught in a net; + But he got out again, + And is quite alive yet. + + f! + Lively young fish! + + + G + + [Illustration] + + G was a goat + Who was spotted with brown: + When he did not lie still + He walked up and down. + + g! + Good little goat! + + + H + + [Illustration] + + H was a hat + Which was all on one side; + Its crown was too high, + And its brim was too wide. + + h! + Oh, what a hat! + + + I + + [Illustration] + + I was some ice + So white and so nice, + But which nobody tasted; + And so it was wasted. + + i! + All that good ice! + + + J + + [Illustration] + + + J was a jackdaw + Who hopped up and down + In the principal street + Of a neighboring town. + + j! + All through the town! + + + K + + [Illustration] + + K was a kite + Which flew out of sight, + Above houses so high, + Quite into the sky. + + k + Fly away, kite! + + + L + + [Illustration] + + L was a light + Which burned all the night, + And lighted the gloom + Of a very dark room. + + l! + Useful nice light! + + + M + + [Illustration] + + M was a mill + Which stood on a hill, + And turned round and round + With a loud hummy sound. + + m! + Useful old mill! + + + N + + [Illustration] + + N was a net + Which was thrown in the sea + To catch fish for dinner + For you and for me. + + n! + Nice little net! + + + O + + [Illustration] + + O was an orange + So yellow and round: + When it fell off the tree, + It fell down to the ground. + + o! + Down to the ground! + + + P + + [Illustration] + + P was a pig, + Who was not very big; + But his tail was too curly, + And that made him surly. + + p! + Cross little pig! + + + Q + + [Illustration] + + Q was a quail + With a very short tail; + And he fed upon corn + In the evening and morn. + + q! + Quaint little quail! + + + R + + [Illustration] + + R was a rabbit, + Who had a bad habit + Of eating the flowers + In gardens and bowers. + + r! + Naughty fat rabbit! + + + S + + [Illustration] + + S was the sugar-tongs, + Nippity-nee, + To take up the sugar + To put in our tea. + + s! + Nippity-nee! + + + T + + [Illustration] + + T was a tortoise, + All yellow and black: + He walked slowly away, + And he never came back. + + t! + Torty never came back! + + + U + + [Illustration] + + U was an urn + All polished and bright, + And full of hot water + At noon and at night. + + u! + Useful old urn! + + + V + + [Illustration] + + V was a villa + Which stood on a hill, + By the side of a river, + And close to a mill. + + v! + Nice little villa! + + + W + + [Illustration] + + W was a whale + With a very long tail, + Whose movements were frantic + Across the Atlantic. + + w! + Monstrous old whale! + + + X + + [Illustration] + + X was King Xerxes, + Who, more than all Turks, is + Renowned for his fashion + Of fury and passion. + + x! + Angry old Xerxes! + + + Y + + [Illustration] + + Y was a yew, + Which flourished and grew + By a quiet abode + Near the side of a road. + + y! + Dark little yew! + + + Z + + [Illustration] + + Z was some zinc, + So shiny and bright, + Which caused you to wink + In the sun's merry light. + + z! + Beautiful zinc! + + + + + A + + [Illustration] + + a + + A was once an apple-pie, + Pidy, + Widy, + Tidy, + Pidy, + Nice insidy, + Apple-pie! + + + B + + [Illustration] + + b + + B was once a little bear, + Beary, + Wary, + Hairy, + Beary, + Taky cary, + Little bear! + + + C + + [Illustration] + + c + + C was once a little cake, + Caky, + Baky, + Maky, + Caky, + Taky caky, + Little cake! + + + D + + [Illustration] + + d + + D was once a little doll, + Dolly, + Molly, + Polly, + Nolly, + Nursy dolly, + Little doll! + + + E + + [Illustration] + + e + + E was once a little eel, + Eely, + Weely, + Peely, + Eely, + Twirly, tweely, + Little eel! + + + + F + + [Illustration] + + f + + F was once a little fish, + Fishy, + Wishy, + Squishy, + Fishy, + In a dishy, + Little fish! + + + G + + [Illustration] + + g + + G was once a little goose, + Goosy, + Moosy, + Boosey, + Goosey, + Waddly-woosy, + Little goose! + + + H + + [Illustration] + + h + + H was once a little hen, + Henny, + Chenny, + Tenny, + Henny. + Eggsy-any, + Little hen? + + + I + + [Illustration] + + i + + I was once a bottle of ink + Inky, + Dinky, + Thinky, + Inky, + Blacky minky, + Bottle of ink! + + + J + + [Illustration] + + j + + J was once a jar of jam, + Jammy, + Mammy, + Clammy, + Jammy, + Sweety, swammy, + Jar of jam! + + + K + + [Illustration] + + k + + K was once a little kite, + Kity, + Whity, + Flighty, + Kity, + Out of sighty, + Little kite! + + + L + + [Illustration] + + l + + L was once a little lark, + Larky, + Marky, + Harky, + Larky, + In the parky, + Little lark! + + + M + + [Illustration] + + m + + M was once a little mouse, + Mousy, + Bousy, + Sousy, + Mousy, + In the housy, + Little mouse! + + + N + + [Illustration] + + n + + N was once a little needle, + Needly, + Tweedly, + Threedly, + Needly, + Wisky, wheedly, + Little needle! + + + O + + [Illustration] + + o + + O was once a little owl, + Owly, + Prowly, + Howly, + Owly, + Browny fowly, + Little owl! + + + P + + [Illustration] + + p + + P was once a little pump, + Pumpy, + Slumpy, + Flumpy, + Pumpy, + Dumpy, thumpy, + Little pump! + + + Q + + [Illustration] + + q + + Q was once a little quail, + Quaily, + Faily, + Daily, + Quaily, + Stumpy-taily, + Little quail! + + + R + + [Illustration] + + r + + R was once a little rose, + Rosy, + Posy, + Nosy, + Rosy, + Blows-y, grows-y, + Little rose! + + + S + + [Illustration] + + s + + S was once a little shrimp, + Shrimpy, + Nimpy, + Flimpy, + Shrimpy. + Jumpy, jimpy, + Little shrimp! + + + T + + [Illustration] + + t + + T was once a little thrush, + Thrushy, + Hushy, + Bushy, + Thrushy, + Flitty, flushy, + Little thrush! + + + U + + [Illustration] + + u + + U was once a little urn, + Urny, + Burny, + Turny, + Urny, + Bubbly, burny, + Little urn! + + + V + + [Illustration] + + v + + V was once a little vine, + Viny, + Winy, + Twiny, + Viny, + Twisty-twiny, + Little vine! + + + W + + [Illustration] + + w + + W was once a whale, + Whaly, + Scaly, + Shaly, + Whaly, + Tumbly-taily, + Mighty whale! + + + X + + [Illustration] + + x + + X was once a great king Xerxes, + Xerxy, + Perxy, + Turxy, + Xerxy, + Linxy, lurxy, + Great King Xerxes! + + + Y + + [Illustration] + + y + + Y was once a little yew, + Yewdy, + Fewdy, + Crudy, + Yewdy, + Growdy, grewdy, + Little yew! + + + Z + + [Illustration] + + z + + Z was once a piece of zinc, + Tinky, + Winky, + Blinky, + Tinky, + Tinkly minky, + Piece of zinc! + + + + + A + + [Illustration] + + A was an ape, + Who stole some white tape, + And tied up his toes + In four beautiful bows. + + a! + + Funny old ape! + + + B + + [Illustration] + + B was a bat, + Who slept all the day, + And fluttered about + When the sun went away. + + b! + + Brown little bat! + + + C + + [Illustration] + + C was a camel: + You rode on his hump; + And if you fell off, + You came down such a bump! + + + c! + + What a high camel! + + + D + + [Illustration] + + D was a dove, + Who lived in a wood, + With such pretty soft wings, + And so gentle and good! + + d! + + Dear little dove! + + + E + + [Illustration] + + E was an eagle, + Who sat on the rocks, + And looked down on the fields + And the-far-away flocks. + + e! + + Beautiful eagle! + + + F + + [Illustration] + + F was a fan + Made of beautiful stuff; + And when it was used, + It went puffy-puff-puff! + + f! + + Nice little fan! + + + G + + [Illustration] + + G was a gooseberry, + Perfectly red; + To be made into jam, + And eaten with bread. + + g! + + Gooseberry red! + + + H + + [Illustration] + + H was a heron, + Who stood in a stream: + The length of his neck + And his legs was extreme. + + h! + + Long-legged heron! + + + I + + [Illustration] + + I was an inkstand, + Which stood on a table, + With a nice pen to write with + When we are able. + + i! + + Neat little inkstand! + + + J + + [Illustration] + + J was a jug, + So pretty and white, + With fresh water in it + At morning and night. + + j! + + Nice little jug! + + + K + + [Illustration] + + K was a kingfisher: + Quickly he flew, + So bright and so pretty!-- + Green, purple, and blue. + + k! + + Kingfisher blue! + + L + + [Illustration] + + L was a lily, + So white and so sweet! + To see it and smell it + Was quite a nice treat. + + l! + + Beautiful lily! + + + M + + [Illustration] + + M was a man, + Who walked round and round; + And he wore a long coat + That came down to the ground. + + m! + + Funny old man! + + + N + + [Illustration] + + N was a nut + So smooth and so brown! + And when it was ripe, + It fell tumble-dum-down. + + n! + + Nice little nut! + + + O + + [Illustration] + + O was an oyster, + Who lived in his shell: + If you let him alone, + He felt perfectly well. + + o! + + Open-mouthed oyster! + + + P + + [Illustration] + + P was a polly, + All red, blue, and green,-- + The most beautiful polly + That ever was seen. + + p! + + Poor little polly! + + + Q + + [Illustration] + + Q was a quill + Made into a pen; + But I do not know where, + And I cannot say when. + + q! + + Nice little quill! + + + R + + [Illustration] + + R was a rattlesnake, + Rolled up so tight, + Those who saw him ran quickly, + For fear he should bite. + + r! + + Rattlesnake bite! + + + S + + [Illustration] + + S was a screw + To screw down a box; + And then it was fastened + Without any locks. + + s! + + Valuable screw! + + + T + + [Illustration] + + T was a thimble, + Of silver so bright! + When placed on the finger, + It fitted so tight! + + t! + + Nice little thimble! + + + U + + [Illustration] + + U was an upper-coat, + Woolly and warm, + To wear over all + In the snow or the storm. + + u! + + What a nice upper-coat! + + + V + + [Illustration] + + V was a veil + With a border upon it, + And a ribbon to tie it + All round a pink bonnet. + + v! + + Pretty green veil! + + + W + + [Illustration] + + W was a watch, + Where, in letters of gold, + The hour of the day + You might always behold. + + w! + + Beautiful watch! + + + X + + [Illustration] + + X was King Xerxes, + Who wore on his head + A mighty large turban, + Green, yellow, and red. + + x! + + Look at King Xerxes! + + + Y + + [Illustration] + + Y was a yak, + From the land of Thibet: + Except his white tail, + He was all black as jet. + + y! + + Look at the yak! + + + Z + + [Illustration] + + Z was a zebra, + All striped white and black; + And if he were tame, + You might ride on his back. + + z! + + Pretty striped zebra! + + + + + * * * * * + + +MORE NONSENSE + +Pictures, Rhymes, Botany, etc. + +by + +EDWARD LEAR + + + + + + +[Illustration] + + + +CONTENTS. + + NONSENSE BOTANY + + ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES + + TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES + + + + +[Illustration] + +INTRODUCTION. + +In offering this little book--the third of its kind--to the public, I am +glad to take the opportunity of recording the pleasure I have received at +the appreciation its predecessors have met with, as attested by their wide +circulation, and by the universally kind notices of them from the Press. To +have been the means of administering innocent mirth to thousands, may +surely be a just motive for satisfaction, and an excuse for grateful +expression. + +At the same time, I am desirous of adding a few words as to the history of +the two previously published volumes, and more particularly of the first or +original "Book of Nonsense," relating to which many absurd reports have +crept into circulation, such as that it was the composition of the late +Lord Brougham, the late Earl of Derby, etc.; that the rhymes and pictures +are by different persons; or that the whole have a symbolical meaning, +etc.; whereas, every one of the Rhymes was composed by myself, and every +one of the Illustrations drawn by my own hand at the time the verses were +made. Moreover, in no portion of these Nonsense drawings have I ever +allowed any caricature of private or public persons to appear, and +throughout, more care than might be supposed has been given to make the +subjects incapable of misinterpretation: "Nonsense," pure and absolute, +having been my aim throughout. + +As for the persistently absurd report of the late Earl of Derby being the +author of the "First Book of Nonsense," I may relate an incident which +occurred to me four summers ago, the first that gave me any insight into +the origin of the rumor. + +I was on my way from London to Guildford, in a railway carriage, +containing, besides myself, one passenger, an elderly gentleman: presently, +however, two ladies entered, accompanied by two little boys. These, who had +just had a copy of the "Book of Nonsense" given them, were loud in their +delight, and by degrees infected the whole party with their mirth. + +"How grateful," said the old gentleman to the two ladies, "all children, +and parents too, ought to be to the statesman who has given his time to +composing that charming book!" + +(The ladies looked puzzled, as indeed was I, the author.) + +"Do you not know who is the writer of it?" asked the gentleman. + +"The name is 'Edward Lear,'" said one of the ladies. + +"Ah!" said the first speaker, "so it is printed; but that is only a whim of +the real author, the Earl of Derby. 'Edward' is his Christian name, and, as +you may see, LEAR is only EARL transposed." + +"But," said the lady, doubtingly, "here is a dedication to the +great-grandchildren, grand-nephews, and grand-nieces of Edward, thirteenth +Earl of Derby, by the author, Edward Lear." + +"That," replied the other, "is simply a piece of mystification; I am in a +position to know that the whole book was composed and illustrated by Lord +Derby himself. In fact, there is no such a person at all as Edward Lear." + +"Yet," said the other lady, "some friends of mine tell me they know Mr. +Lear." + +"Quite a mistake! completely a mistake!" said the old gentleman, becoming +rather angry at the contradiction; "I am well aware of what I am saying: I +can inform you, no such a person as 'Edward Lear' exists!" + +Hitherto I had kept silence; but as my hat was, as well as my handkerchief +and stick, largely marked inside with my name, and as I happened to have in +my pocket several letters addressed to me, the temptation was too great to +resist; so, flashing all these articles at once on my would-be +extinguisher's attention, I speedily reduced him to silence. + +The second volume of Nonsense, commencing with the verses, "The Owl and the +Pussy-Cat," was written at different times, and for different sets of +children: the whole being collected in the course of last year, were then +illustrated, and published in a single volume, by Mr. R.J. Bush, of 32 +Charing Cross. + +The contents of the third or present volume were made also at different +intervals in the last two years. + +Long years ago, in days when much of my time was passed in a country house, +where children and mirth abounded, the lines beginning, "There was an old +man of Tobago," were suggested to me by a valued friend, as a form of verse +lending itself to limitless variety for rhymes and pictures; and +thenceforth the greater part of the original drawings and verses for the +first "Book of Nonsense" were struck off with a pen, no assistance ever +having been given me in any way but that of uproarious delight and welcome +at the appearance of every new absurdity. + +Most of these Drawings and Rhymes were transferred to lithographic stones +in the year 1846, and were then first published by Mr. Thomas McLean, of +the Haymarket. But that edition having been soon exhausted, and the call +for the "Book of Nonsense" continuing, I added a considerable number of +subjects to those previously-published, and having caused the whole to be +carefully reproduced in woodcuts by Messrs. Dalzell, I disposed of the +copyright to Messrs. Routledge and Warne, by whom the volume was published +in 1843. + EDWARD LEAR. + +VILLA EMILY, SAN REMO, +August, 1871. + + * * * * * + + + + +NONSENSE BOTANY. + + +[Illustration: Barkia Howlaloudia.] + +[Illustration: Enkoopia Chickabiddia.] + +[Illustration: Jinglia Tinkettlia.] + +[Illustration: Nasticreechia Krorluppia.] + +[Illustration: Arthbroomia Rigida.] + +[Illustration: Sophtsluggia Glutinosa.] + +[Illustration: Minspysia Deliciosa.] + +[Illustration: Shoebootia Utilis.] + +[Illustration: Stunnia Dinnerbellia.] + +[Illustration: Tickia Orologica.] + +[Illustration: Washtubbia Circularis.] + +[Illustration: Tigerlillia Terribilis.] + + * * * * * + + + + +ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES. + + + [Illustration] + + There was a young person of Bantry, + Who frequently slept in the pantry; + When disturbed by the mice, she appeased them with rice, + That judicious young person of Bantry. + + [Illustration] + + There was an Old Man at a Junction, + Whose feelings were wrung with compunction + When they said, "The Train's gone!" he exclaimed, "How forlorn!" + But remained on the rails of the Junction. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Minety, + Who purchased five hundred and ninety + Large apples and pears, which he threw unawares + At the heads of the people of Minety. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Thermopylae, + Who never did anything properly; + But they said, "If you choose to boil eggs in your shoes, + You shall never remain in Thermopylae." + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Deal, + Who in walking used only his heel; + When they said, "Tell us why?" he made no reply, + That mysterious old person of Deal. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man on the Humber, + Who dined on a cake of Burnt Umber; + When he said, "It's enough!" they only said, "Stuff! + You amazing old man on the Humber!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man in a barge, + Whose nose was exceedingly large; + But in fishing by night, it supported a light, + Which helped that old man in a barge. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Dunrose; + A parrot seized hold of his nose. + When he grew melancholy, they said, "His name's Polly," + Which soothed that old man of Dunrose. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Toulouse + Who purchased a new pair of shoes; + When they asked, "Are they pleasant?" he said, "Not at present!" + That turbid old man of Toulouse. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Bree, + Who frequented the depths of the sea; + She nurs'd the small fishes, and washed all the dishes, + And swam back again into Bree. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Bromley, + Whose ways were not cheerful or comely; + He sate in the dust, eating spiders and crust, + That unpleasing old person of Bromley. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Shields, + Who frequented the vallies and fields; + All the mice and the cats, and the snakes and the rats, + Followed after that person of Shields. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Dunluce, + Who went out to sea on a goose: + When he'd gone out a mile, he observ'd with a smile, + "It is time to return to Dunluce." + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Dee-side + Whose hat was exceedingly wide, + But he said, "Do not fail, if it happen to hail, + To come under my hat at Dee-side!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person in black, + A Grasshopper jumped on his back; + When it chirped in his ear, he was smitten with fear, + That helpless old person in black. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of the Dargle + Who purchased six barrels of Gargle; + For he said, "I'll sit still, and will roll them down hill, + For the fish in the depths of the Dargle." + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Pinner, + As thin as a lath, if not thinner; + They dressed him in white, and roll'd him up tight, + That elastic old person of Pinner. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of China, + Whose daughters were Jiska and Dinah, + Amelia and Fluffy, Olivia and Chuffy, + And all of them settled in China. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man in a Marsh, + Whose manners were futile and harsh; + He sate on a log, and sang songs to a frog, + That instructive old man in a Marsh. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Brill, + Who purchased a shirt with a frill; + But they said, "Don't you wish, you mayn't look like a fish, + You obsequious old person of Brill?" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Wick, + Who said, "Tick-a-Tick, Tick-a-Tick; + Chickabee, Chickabaw." And he said nothing more, + That laconic old person of Wick. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man at a Station, + Who made a promiscuous oration; + But they said, "Take some snuff!--You have talk'd quite enough, + You afflicting old man at a Station!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Three Bridges, + Whose mind was distracted by midges, + He sate on a wheel, eating underdone veal, + Which relieved that old man of Three Bridges. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Hong Kong, + Who never did anything wrong; + He lay on his back, with his head in a sack, + That innocuous old man of Hong Kong. + + [Illustration] + + There was a young person in green, + Who seldom was fit to be seen; + She wore a long shawl, over bonnet and all, + Which enveloped that person in green. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Fife, + Who was greatly disgusted with life; + They sang him a ballad, and fed him on salad, + Which cured that old person of Fife. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man who screamed out + Whenever they knocked him about: + So they took off his boots, and fed him with fruits, + And continued to knock him about. + + [Illustration] + + There was a young lady in white, + Who looked out at the depths of the night; + But the birds of the air, filled her heart with despair, + And oppressed that young lady in white. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Slough, + Who danced at the end of a bough; + But they said, "If you sneeze, you might damage the trees, + You imprudent old person of Slough." + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Down, + Whose face was adorned with a frown; + When he opened the door, for one minute or more, + He alarmed all the people of Down. + + [Illustration] + + There was a young person in red, + Who carefully covered her head, + With a bonnet of leather, and three lines of feather, + Besides some long ribands of red. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Hove, + Who frequented the depths of a grove; + Where he studied his books, with the wrens and the rooks, + That tranquil old person of Hove. + + [Illustration] + + There was a young person in pink, + Who called out for something to drink; + But they said, "O my daughter, there's nothing but water!" + Which vexed that young person in pink. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old lady of France, + Who taught little ducklings to dance; + When she said, "Tick-a-tack!" they only said, "Quack!" + Which grieved that old lady of France. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Putney, + Whose food was roast spiders and chutney, + Which he took with his tea, within sight of the sea, + That romantic old person of Putney. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Loo, + Who said, "What on earth shall I do?" + When they said, "Go away!" she continued to stay, + That vexatious old person of Loo. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Woking, + Whose mind was perverse and provoking; + He sate on a rail, with his head in a pail, + That illusive old person of Woking. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Dean + Who dined on one pea, and one bean; + For he said, "More than that, would make me too fat," + That cautious old person of Dean. + + [Illustration] + + There was a young lady in blue, + Who said, "Is it you? Is it you?" + When they said, "Yes, it is," she replied only, "Whizz!" + That ungracious young lady in blue. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old Man in a Garden, + Who always begged every one's pardon; + When they asked him, "What for?" he replied, "You're a bore! + And I trust you'll go out of my garden." + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Pisa, + Whose daughters did nothing to please her; + She dressed them in gray, and banged them all day, + Round the walls of the city of Pisa. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Florence, + Who held mutton chops in abhorrence; + He purchased a Bustard, and fried him in Mustard, + Which choked that old person of Florence. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Sheen, + Whose expression was calm and serene; + He sate in the water, and drank bottled porter, + That placid old person of Sheen. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Ware, + Who rode on the back of a bear; + When they ask'd, "Does it trot?" he said, "Certainly not! + He's a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear!" + + [Illustration] + + There was a young person of Janina, + Whose uncle was always a fanning her; + When he fanned off her head, she smiled sweetly, and said, + "You propitious old person of Janina!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Cashmere, + Whose movements were scroobious and queer; + Being slender and tall, he looked over a wall, + And perceived two fat ducks of Cashmere. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Cassel, + Whose nose finished off in a tassel; + But they call'd out, "Oh well! don't it look like a bell!" + Which perplexed that old person of Cassel. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Pett, + Who was partly consumed by regret; + He sate in a cart, and ate cold apple tart, + Which relieved that old person of Pett. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Spithead, + Who opened the window, and said,-- + "Fil-jomble, fil-jumble, fil-rumble-come-tumble!" + That doubtful old man of Spithead. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man on the Border, + Who lived in the utmost disorder; + He danced with the cat, and made tea in his hat, + Which vexed all the folks on the Border. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Dumbree, + Who taught little owls to drink tea; + For he said, "To eat mice is not proper or nice," + That amiable man of Dumbree. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Filey, + Of whom his acquaintance spoke highly; + He danced perfectly well, to the sound of a bell, + And delighted the people of Filey. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man whose remorse + Induced him to drink Caper Sauce; + For they said, "If mixed up with some cold claret-cup, + It will certainly soothe your remorse!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Ibreem, + Who suddenly threaten'd to scream; + But they said, "If you do, we will thump you quite blue, + You disgusting old man of Ibreem!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Wilts, + Who constantly walked upon stilts; + He wreathed them with lilies and daffy-down-dillies, + That elegant person of Wilts. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Grange, + Whose manners were scroobious and strange; + He sailed to St. Blubb in a waterproof tub, + That aquatic old person of Grange. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Newry, + Whose manners were tinctured with fury; + He tore all the rugs, and broke all the jugs, + Within twenty miles' distance of Newry. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Dumblane, + Who greatly resembled a crane; + But they said, "Is it wrong, since your legs are so long, + To request you won't stay in Dumblane?" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Port Grigor, + Whose actions were noted for vigour; + He stood on his head till his waistcoat turned red, + That eclectic old man of Port Grigor. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of El Hums, + Who lived upon nothing but crumbs, + Which he picked off the ground, with the other birds round, + In the roads and the lanes of El Hums. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of West Dumpet, + Who possessed a large nose like a trumpet; + When he blew it aloud, it astonished the crowd, + And was heard through the whole of West Dumpet. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Sark, + Who made an unpleasant remark; + But they said, "Don't you see what a brute you must be, + You obnoxious old person of Sark!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man whose despair + Induced him to purchase a hare: + Whereon one fine day he rode wholly away, + Which partly assuaged his despair. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Barnes, + Whose garments were covered with darns; + But they said, "Without doubt, you will soon wear them out, + You luminous person of Barnes!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Nice, + Whose associates were usually Geese. + They walked out together in all sorts of weather, + That affable person of Nice! + + [Illustration] + + There was a young lady of Greenwich, + Whose garments were border'd with Spinach; + But a large spotty Calf bit her shawl quite in half, + Which alarmed that young lady of Greenwich. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Cannes, + Who purchased three fowls and a fan; + Those she placed on a stool, and to make them feel cool + She constantly fanned them at Cannes. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Ickley, + Who could not abide to ride quickly; + He rode to Karnak on a tortoise's back, + That moony old person of Ickley. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Hyde, + Who walked by the shore with his bride, + Till a Crab who came near fill'd their bosoms with fear, + And they said, "Would we'd never left Hyde!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person in gray, + Whose feelings were tinged with dismay; + She purchased two parrots, and fed them with carrots, + Which pleased that old person in gray. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Ancona, + Who found a small dog with no owner, + Which he took up and down all the streets of the town, + That anxious old man of Ancona. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Sestri, + Who sate himself down in the vestry; + When they said, "You are wrong!" he merely said "Bong!" + That repulsive old person of Sestri. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Blythe, + Who cut up his meat with a scythe; + When they said, "Well! I never!" he cried, "Scythes for ever!" + That lively old person of Blythe. + + [Illustration] + + There was a young person of Ayr, + Whose head was remarkably square: + On the top, in fine weather, she wore a gold feather; + Which dazzled the people of Ayr. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Rimini, + Who said, "Gracious! Goodness! O Gimini!" + When they said, "Please be still!" she ran down a hill, + And was never more heard of at Rimini. + + [Illustration] + + There is a young lady, whose nose, + Continually prospers and grows; + When it grew out of sight, she exclaimed in a fright, + "Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Ealing, + Who was wholly devoid of good feeling; + He drove a small gig, with three Owls and a Pig, + Which distressed all the people of Ealing. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Thames Ditton, + Who called out for something to sit on; + But they brought him a hat, and said, "Sit upon that, + You abruptious old man of Thames Ditton!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Bray, + Who sang through the whole of the day + To his ducks and his pigs, whom he fed upon figs, + That valuable person of Bray. + + [Illustration] + + There was a young person whose history + Was always considered a mystery; + She sate in a ditch, although no one knew which, + And composed a small treatise on history. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Bow, + Whom nobody happened to know; + So they gave him some soap, and said coldly, "We hope + You will go back directly to Bow!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Rye, + Who went up to town on a fly; + But they said, "If you cough, you are safe to fall off! + You abstemious old person of Rye!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Crowle, + Who lived in the nest of an owl; + When they screamed in the nest, he screamed out with the rest, + That depressing old person of Crowle. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old Lady of Winchelsea, + Who said, "If you needle or pin shall see + On the floor of my room, sweep it up with the broom!" + That exhaustive old Lady of Winchelsea! + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man in a tree, + Whose whiskers were lovely to see; + But the birds of the air pluck'd them perfectly bare, + To make themselves nests in that tree. + + [Illustration] + + There was a young lady of Corsica, + Who purchased a little brown saucy-cur; + Which she fed upon ham, and hot raspberry jam, + That expensive young lady of Corsica. + + [Illustration] + + There was a young lady of Firle, + Whose hair was addicted to curl; + It curled up a tree, and all over the sea, + That expansive young lady of Firle. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Stroud, + Who was horribly jammed in a crowd; + Some she slew with a kick, some she scrunched with a stick, + That impulsive old person of Stroud. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Boulak, + Who sate on a Crocodile's back; + But they said, "Towr'ds the night he may probably bite, + Which might vex you, old man of Boulak!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Skye, + Who waltz'd with a Bluebottle fly: + They buzz'd a sweet tune, to the light of the moon, + And entranced all the people of Skye. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Blackheath, + Whose head was adorned with a wreath + Of lobsters and spice, pickled onions and mice, + That uncommon old man of Blackheath. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man, who when little + Fell casually into a kettle; + But, growing too stout, he could never get out, + So he passed all his life in that kettle. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Dundalk, + Who tried to teach fishes to walk; + When they tumbled down dead, he grew weary, and said, + "I had better go back to Dundalk!" + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Shoreham, + Whose habits were marked by decorum; + He bought an Umbrella, and sate in the cellar, + Which pleased all the people of Shoreham. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Bar, + Who passed all her life in a jar, + Which she painted pea-green, to appear more serene, + That placid old person of Bar. + + [Illustration] + + There was a young person of Kew, + Whose virtues and vices were few; + But with blamable haste she devoured some hot paste, + Which destroyed that young person of Kew. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Jodd, + Whose ways were perplexing and odd; + She purchased a whistle, and sate on a thistle, + And squeaked to the people of Jodd. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Bude, + Whose deportment was vicious and crude; + He wore a large ruff of pale straw-colored stuff, + Which perplexed all the people of Bude. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old person of Brigg, + Who purchased no end of a wig; + So that only his nose, and the end of his toes, + Could be seen when he walked about Brigg. + + [Illustration] + + There was an old man of Messina, + Whose daughter was named Opsibeena; + She wore a small wig, and rode out on a pig, + To the perfect delight of Messina. + + + + +TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES. + + + [Illustration] + + The Absolutely Abstemious Ass, + who resided in a Barrel, and only lived on + Soda Water and Pickled Cucumbers. + + [Illustration] + + The Bountiful Beetle, + who always carried a Green Umbrella when it didn't rain, + and left it at home when it did. + + [Illustration] + + The Comfortable Confidential Cow, + who sate in her Red Morocco Arm Chair and + toasted her own Bread at the parlour Fire. + + [Illustration] + + The Dolomphious Duck, + who caught Spotted Frogs for her dinner + with a Runcible Spoon. + + [Illustration] + + The Enthusiastic Elephant, + who ferried himself across the water with the + Kitchen Poker and a New pair of Ear-rings. + + [Illustration] + + The Fizzgiggious Fish, + who always walked about upon Stilts, + because he had no legs. + + [Illustration] + + The Good-natured Grey Gull, + who carried the Old Owl, and his Crimson Carpet-bag, + across the river, because he could not swim. + + [Illustration] + + The Hasty Higgeldipiggledy Hen, + who went to market in a Blue Bonnet and Shawl, + and bought a Fish for her Supper. + + [Illustration] + + The Inventive Indian, + who caught a Remarkable Rabbit in a + Stupendous Silver Spoon. + + [Illustration] + + The Judicious Jubilant Jay, + who did up her Back Hair every morning with a Wreath of Roses, + Three feathers, and a Gold Pin. + + [Illustration] + + The Kicking Kangaroo, + who wore a Pale Pink Muslin dress + with Blue spots. + + [Illustration] + + The Lively Learned Lobster, + who mended his own Clothes with + a Needle and Thread. + + [Illustration] + + The Melodious Meritorious Mouse, + who played a merry minuet on the + Piano-forte. + + [Illustration] + + The Nutritious Newt, + who purchased a Round Plum-pudding + for his grand-daughter. + + [Illustration] + + The Obsequious Ornamental Ostrich, + who wore Boots to keep his + feet quite dry. + + [Illustration: PARSNIP PIE] + + The Perpendicular Purple Polly, + who read the Newspaper and ate Parsnip Pie + with his Spectacles. + + [Illustration] + + The Queer Querulous Quail, + who smoked a Pipe of tobacco on the top of + a Tin Tea-kettle. + + [Illustration] + + The Rural Runcible Raven, + who wore a White Wig and flew away + with the Carpet Broom. + + [Illustration] + + The Scroobious Snake, + who always wore a Hat on his Head, for + fear he should bite anybody. + + [Illustration] + + The Tumultuous Tom-tommy Tortoise, + who beat a Drum all day long in the + middle of the wilderness. + + [Illustration] + + The Umbrageous Umbrella-maker, + whose Face nobody ever saw, because it was + always covered by his Umbrella. + + [Illustration] + + The Visibly Vicious Vulture, + who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a + Volume bound in Vellum. + + [Illustration] + + The Worrying Whizzing Wasp, + who stood on a Table, and played sweetly on a + Flute with a Morning Cap. + + [Illustration] + + The Excellent Double-extra XX + imbibing King Xerxes, who lived a + long while ago. + + [Illustration] + + The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + whose Head was ever so much bigger than his + Body, and whose Hat was rather small. + + [Illustration] + + The Zigzag Zealous Zebra, + who carried five Monkeys on his back all + the way to Jellibolee. + + + + + + * * * * * + + +LAUGHABLE LYRICS + +A Fourth Book of Nonsense Poems, Songs, Botany, Music, etc. + +by + +EDWARD LEAR + +Author of the _Book of Nonsense_, _More Nonsense_, +_Nonsense Songs, Stories_, etc., etc. + + +With All the Original Illustrations. + + + + + + +[Illustration] + + + + +CONTENTS + + LAUGHABLE LYRICS. + THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE + THE TWO OLD BACHELORS + THE PELICAN CHORUS + THE YONGHY-BONGHY-Bo + THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES + THE NEW VESTMENTS + MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS + THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT + THE CUMMERBUND + THE AKOND OF SWAT + + NONSENSE BOTANY + + " ALPHABET, No. 5 + " " No. 6 + + * * * * * + + + + +LAUGHABLE LYRICS. + + +THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE. + +[Illustration] + + When awful darkness and silence reign + Over the great Gromboolian plain, + Through the long, long wintry nights; + When the angry breakers roar + As they beat on the rocky shore; + When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights + Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore,-- + + Then, through the vast and gloomy dark + There moves what seems a fiery spark,-- + A lonely spark with silvery rays + Piercing the coal-black night,-- + A Meteor strange and bright: + Hither and thither the vision strays, + A single lurid light. + + Slowly it wanders, pauses, creeps,-- + Anon it sparkles, flashes, and leaps; + And ever as onward it gleaming goes + A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws. + And those who watch at that midnight hour + From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, + Cry, as the wild light passes along,-- + "The Dong! the Dong! + The wandering Dong through the forest goes! + The Dong! the Dong! + The Dong with a luminous Nose!" + + Long years ago + The Dong was happy and gay, + Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl + Who came to those shores one day. + For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did,-- + Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd + Where the Oblong Oysters grow, + And the rocks are smooth and gray. + And all the woods and the valleys rang + With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang,-- + "_Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live; + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, + And they went to sea in a sieve._" + + Happily, happily passed those days! + While the cheerful Jumblies staid; + They danced in circlets all night long, + To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong, + In moonlight, shine, or shade. + For day and night he was always there + By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair, + With her sky-blue hands and her sea-green hair; + Till the morning came of that hateful day + When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away, + And the Dong was left on the cruel shore + Gazing, gazing for evermore,-- + Ever keeping his weary eyes on + That pea-green sail on the far horizon,-- + Singing the Jumbly Chorus still + As he sate all day on the grassy hill,-- + "_Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live; + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, + And they went to sea in a sieve_." + + But when the sun was low in the West, + The Dong arose and said,-- + "What little sense I once possessed + Has quite gone out of my head!" + And since that day he wanders still + By lake and forest, marsh and hill, + Singing, "O somewhere, in valley or plain, + Might I find my Jumbly Girl again! + For ever I'll seek by lake and shore + Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more!" + + Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks, + Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks; + And because by night he could not see, + He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree + On the flowery plain that grows. + And he wove him a wondrous Nose,-- + A Nose as strange as a Nose could be! + + Of vast proportions and painted red, + And tied with cords to the back of his head. + In a hollow rounded space it ended + With a luminous Lamp within suspended, + All fenced about + With a bandage stout + To prevent the wind from blowing it out; + And with holes all round to send the light + In gleaming rays on the dismal night + + And now each night, and all night long, + Over those plains still roams the Dong; + And above the wail of the Chimp and Snipe + You may hear the squeak of his plaintive pipe, + While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain, + To meet with his Jumbly Girl again; + Lonely and wild, all night he goes,-- + The Dong with a luminous Nose! + And all who watch at the midnight hour, + From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, + Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright, + Moving along through the dreary night,-- + "This is the hour when forth he goes, + The Dong with a luminous Nose! + Yonder, over the plain he goes,-- + He goes! + He goes,-- + The Dong with a luminous Nose!" + + + + +THE TWO OLD BACHELORS. + +[Illustration] + +Two old Bachelors were living in one house; +One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse. +Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse,-- +"This happens just in time! For we've nothing in the house, +Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey, +And what to do for dinner--since we haven't any money? +And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner, +But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner?" + +Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin,-- +"We might cook this little Mouse, if we only had some Stuffin'! +If we had but Sage and Onion we could do extremely well; +But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell!" + +Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town +And asked for Sage and Onion as they wandered up and down; +They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be found +In the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round. + +But some one said, "A hill there is, a little to the north, +And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth; +And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage,-- +An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page. +Climb up, and seize him by the toes,--all studious as he sits,-- +And pull him down, and chop him into endless little bits! +Then mix him with your Onion (cut up likewise into Scraps),-- +When your Stuffin' will be ready, and very good--perhaps." + +Those two old Bachelors without loss of time +The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb; +And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook, +They saw that Sage a-reading of a most enormous book. + +"You earnest Sage!" aloud they cried, "your book you've read enough in! +We wish to chop you into bits to mix you into Stuffin'!" + +But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book, +At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took; +And over Crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down,-- +At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town; +And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want + of Stuffin'), +The Mouse had fled--and, previously, had eaten up the Muffin. + +They left their home in silence by the once convivial door; +And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more. + + +[Illustration: Sheet Music--The Pelicans] + + +[Illustration] + + +THE PELICAN CHORUS. + + King and Queen of the Pelicans we; + No other Birds so grand we see! + None but we have feet like fins! + With lovely leathery throats and chins! + Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! + We think no Birds so happy as we! + Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican Jill! + We think so then, and we thought so still + + We live on the Nile. The Nile we love. + By night we sleep on the cliffs above; + By day we fish, and at eve we stand + On long bare islands of yellow sand. + And when the sun sinks slowly down, + And the great rock walls grow dark and brown, + + Where the purple river rolls fast and dim + And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim, + Wing to wing we dance around, + Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound, + Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought; + And this is the song we nightly snort,-- + Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! + We think no Birds so happy as we! + Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! + We think so then, and we thought so still! + + Last year came out our Daughter Dell, + And all the Birds received her well. + To do her honor a feast we made + For every bird that can swim or wade,-- + Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black, + Cranes, and Flamingoes with scarlet back, + Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds, + Swans and Dilberry Ducks in crowds: + Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight! + They ate and drank and danced all night, + And echoing back from the rocks you heard + Multitude-echoes from Bird and Bird,-- + Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! + We think no Birds so happy as we! + Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! + We think so then, and we thought so still! + + Yes, they came; and among the rest + The King of the Cranes all grandly dressed. + Such a lovely tail! Its feathers float + Between the ends of his blue dress-coat; + With pea-green trowsers all so neat, + And a delicate frill to hide his feet + (For though no one speaks of it, every one knows + He has got no webs between his toes). + + As soon as he saw our Daughter Dell, + In violent love that Crane King fell,-- + On seeing her waddling form so fair, + With a wreath of shrimps in her short white hair. + And before the end of the next long day + Our Dell had given her heart away; + For the King of the Cranes had won that heart + With a Crocodile's egg and a large fish-tart. + She vowed to marry the King of the Cranes, + Leaving the Nile for stranger plains; + And away they flew in a gathering crowd + Of endless birds in a lengthening cloud. + Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! + We think no Birds so happy as we! + Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! + We think so then, and we thought so still! + + And far away in the twilight sky + We heard them singing a lessening cry,-- + Farther and farther, till out of sight, + And we stood alone in the silent night! + Often since, in the nights of June, + We sit on the sand and watch the moon,-- + + She has gone to the great Gromboolian Plain, + And we probably never shall meet again! + Oft, in the long still nights of June, + We sit on the rocks and watch the moon,-- + She dwells by the streams of the Chankly Bore. + And we probably never shall see her more. + Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! + We think no Birds so happy as we! + Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! + We think so then, and we thought so still! + +[NOTE.--The Air of this and the following Song by Edward Lear; the +Arrangement for the Piano by Professor Pome, of San Remo, Italy.] + + + + +[Illustration: Sheet Music--The Yonghy Bonghy Bo] + + + +THE COURTSHIP OF THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BO. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + On the Coast of Coromandel + Where the early pumpkins blow, + In the middle of the woods + Lived the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + Two old chairs, and half a candle, + One old jug without a handle,-- + These were all his worldly goods: + In the middle of the woods, + These were all the worldly goods + Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Of the Yonghy-Bonghy Bo. + + + II. + + Once, among the Bong-trees walking + Where the early pumpkins blow, + To a little heap of stones + Came the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + There he heard a Lady talking, + To some milk-white Hens of Dorking,-- + "'Tis the Lady Jingly Jones! + On that little heap of stones + Sits the Lady Jingly Jones!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + + III. + + "Lady Jingly! Lady Jingly! + Sitting where the pumpkins blow, + Will you come and be my wife?" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + "I am tired of living singly-- + On this coast so wild and shingly,-- + I'm a-weary of my life; + If you'll come and be my wife, + Quite serene would be my life!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + + IV. + + "On this Coast of Coromandel + Shrimps and watercresses grow, + Prawns are plentiful and cheap," + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + "You shall have my chairs and candle, + And my jug without a handle! + Gaze upon the rolling deep + (Fish is plentiful and cheap); + As the sea, my love is deep!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + + V. + + Lady Jingly answered sadly, + And her tears began to flow,-- + "Your proposal comes too late, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + I would be your wife most gladly!" + (Here she twirled her fingers madly,) + "But in England I've a mate! + Yes! you've asked me far too late, + For in England I've a mate, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + + + VI. + + "Mr. Jones (his name is Handel,-- + Handel Jones, Esquire, & Co.) + Dorking fowls delights to send, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + Keep, oh, keep your chairs and candle, + And your jug without a handle,-- + I can merely be your friend! + Should my Jones more Dorkings send, + I will give you three, my friend! + Mr. Yonghy-Bongy-Bo! + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + + + VII. + + "Though you've such a tiny body, + And your head so large doth grow,-- + Though your hat may blow away, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + Though you're such a Hoddy Doddy, + Yet I wish that I could modi- + fy the words I needs must say! + Will you please to go away? + That is all I have to say, + Mr. Yongby-Bonghy-Bo! + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!" + + + VIII. + + Down the slippery slopes of Myrtle, + Where the early pumpkins blow, + To the calm and silent sea + Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + There, beyond the Bay of Gurtle, + Lay a large and lively Turtle. + "You're the Cove," he said, "for me; + On your back beyond the sea, + Turtle, you shall carry me!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + [Illustration] + + + IX. + + Through the silent-roaring ocean + Did the Turtle swiftly go; + Holding fast upon his shell + Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + With a sad primaeval motion + Towards the sunset isles of Boshen + Still the Turtle bore him well. + Holding fast upon his shell, + "Lady Jingly Jones, farewell!" + Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + + X. + + From the Coast of Coromandel + Did that Lady never go; + On that heap of stones she mourns + For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + On that Coast of Coromandel, + In his jug without a handle + Still she weeps, and daily moans; + On that little heap of stones + To her Dorking Hens she moans, + For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + + + +THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + The Pobble who has no toes + Had once as many as we; + When they said, "Some day you may lose them all;" + He replied, "Fish fiddle de-dee!" + And his Aunt Jobiska made him drink + Lavender water tinged with pink; + For she said, "The World in general knows + There's nothing so good for a Pobble's toes!" + + + II. + + The Pobble who has no toes, + Swam across the Bristol Channel; + But before he set out he wrapped his nose + In a piece of scarlet flannel. + For his Aunt Jobiska said, "No harm + Can come to his toes if his nose is warm; + And it's perfectly known that a Pobble's toes + Are safe--provided he minds his nose." + + + III. + + The Pobble swam fast and well, + And when boats or ships came near him, + He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled a bell + So that all the world could hear him. + And all the Sailors and Admirals cried, + When they saw him nearing the further side,-- + "He has gone to fish, for his Aunt Jobiska's + Runcible Cat with crimson whiskers!" + + + IV. + + But before he touched the shore,-- + The shore of the Bristol Channel, + A sea-green Porpoise carried away + His wrapper of scarlet flannel. + And when he came to observe his feet, + Formerly garnished with toes so neat, + His face at once became forlorn + On perceiving that all his toes were gone! + + + V. + + And nobody ever knew, + From that dark day to the present, + Whoso had taken the Pobble's toes, + In a manner so far from pleasant. + Whether the shrimps or crawfish gray, + Or crafty Mermaids stole them away, + Nobody knew; and nobody knows + How the Pobble was robbed of his twice five toes! + + + VI. + + The Pobble who has no toes + Was placed in a friendly Bark, + And they rowed him back, and carried him up + To his Aunt Jobiska's Park. + And she made him a feast, at his earnest wish, + Of eggs and buttercups fried with fish; + And she said, "It's a fact the whole world knows, + That Pobbles are happier without their toes." + + + + +THE NEW VESTMENTS. + + There lived an old man in the Kingdom of Tess, + Who invented a purely original dress; + And when it was perfectly made and complete, + He opened the door and walked into the street. + + By way of a hat he'd a loaf of Brown Bread, + In the middle of which he inserted his head; + His Shirt was made up of no end of dead Mice, + The warmth of whose skins was quite fluffy and nice; + His Drawers were of Rabbit-skins, so were his Shoes; + His Stockings were skins, but it is not known whose; + His Waistcoat and Trowsers were made of Pork Chops; + His Buttons were Jujubes and Chocolate Drops; + His Coat was all Pancakes, with Jam for a border, + And a girdle of Biscuits to keep it in order; + And he wore over all, as a screen from bad weather, + A Cloak of green Cabbage-leaves stitched all together. + + He had walked a short way, when he heard a great noise, + Of all sorts of Beasticles, Birdlings, and Boys; + And from every long street and dark lane in the town + Beasts, Birdies, and Boys in a tumult rushed down. + Two Cows and a Calf ate his Cabbage-leaf Cloak; + Four Apes seized his Girdle, which vanished like smoke; + Three Kids ate up half of his Pancaky Coat, + And the tails were devour'd by an ancient He Goat; + An army of Dogs in a twinkling tore _up_ his + Pork Waistcoat and Trowsers to give to their Puppies; + And while they were growling, and mumbling the Chops, + Ten Boys prigged the Jujubes and Chocolate Drops. + He tried to run back to his house, but in vain, + For scores of fat Pigs came again and again: + They rushed out of stables and hovels and doors; + They tore off his stockings, his shoes, and his drawers; + And now from the housetops with screechings descend + Striped, spotted, white, black, and gray Cats without end: + They jumped on his shoulders and knocked off his hat, + When Crows, Ducks, and Hens made a mincemeat of that; + They speedily flew at his sleeves in a trice, + And utterly tore up his Shirt of dead Mice; + They swallowed the last of his Shirt with a squall,-- + Whereon he ran home with no clothes on at all. + + And he said to himself, as he bolted the door, + "I will not wear a similar dress any more, + Any more, any more, any more, never more!" + + + + +MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS. + + I. + + Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos + Climbed to the top of a wall. + And they sate to watch the sunset sky, + And to hear the Nupiter Piffkin cry, + And the Biscuit Buffalo call. + They took up a roll and some Camomile tea, + And both were as happy as happy could be, + Till Mrs. Discobbolos said,-- + "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! + It has just come into my head, + Suppose we should happen to fall!!!!! + Darling Mr. Discobbolos! + + + II. + + "Suppose we should fall down flumpetty, + Just like pieces of stone, + On to the thorns, or into the moat, + What would become of your new green coat? + And might you not break a bone? + It never occurred to me before, + That perhaps we shall never go down any more!" + And Mrs. Discobbolos said, + "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! + What put it into your head + To climb up this wall, my own + Darling Mr. Discobbolos?" + + + III. + + Mr. Discobbolos answered, + "At first it gave me pain, + And I felt my ears turn perfectly pink + When your exclamation made me think + We might never get down again! + But now I believe it is wiser far + To remain for ever just where we are." + And Mr. Discobbolos said, + "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! + It has just come into my head + We shall never go down again, + Dearest Mrs. Discobbolos!" + + + IV. + + So Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos + Stood up and began to sing,-- + "Far away from hurry and strife + Here we will pass the rest of life, + Ding a dong, ding dong, ding! + We want no knives nor forks nor chairs, + No tables nor carpets nor household cares; + From worry of life we've fled; + Oh! W! X! Y! Z! + There is no more trouble ahead, + Sorrow or any such thing, + For Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos!" + + + + +THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + On the top of the Crumpetty Tree + The Quangle Wangle sat, + But his face you could not see, + On account of his Beaver Hat. + For his Hat was a hundred and two feet wide, + With ribbons and bibbons on every side, + And bells, and buttons, and loops, and lace, + So that nobody ever could see the face + Of the Quangle Wangle Quee. + + + II. + + The Quangle Wangle said + To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, + "Jam, and jelly, and bread + Are the best of food for me! + But the longer I live on this Crumpetty Tree + The plainer than ever it seems to me + That very few people come this way + And that life on the whole is far from gay!" + Said the Quangle Wangle Quee. + + + III. + + But there came to the Crumpetty Tree + Mr. and Mrs. Canary; + And they said, "Did ever you see + Any spot so charmingly airy? + May we build a nest on your lovely Hat? + Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! + O please let us come and build a nest + Of whatever material suits you best, + Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee!" + + + IV. + + And besides, to the Crumpetty Tree + Came the Stork, the Duck, and the Owl; + The Snail and the Bumble-Bee, + The Frog and the Fimble Fowl + (The Fimble Fowl, with a Corkscrew leg); + And all of them said, "We humbly beg + We may build our homes on your lovely Hat,-- + Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! + Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee!" + + + V. + + And the Golden Grouse came there, + And the Pobble who has no toes, + And the small Olympian bear, + And the Dong with a luminous nose. + And the Blue Baboon who played the flute, + And the Orient Calf from the Land of Tute, + And the Attery Squash, and the Bisky Bat,-- + All came and built on the lovely Hat + Of the Quangle Wangle Quee. + + VI. + + And the Quangle Wangle said + To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, + "When all these creatures move + What a wonderful noise there'll be!" + And at night by the light of the Mulberry moon + They danced to the Flute of the Blue Baboon, + On the broad green leaves of the Crumpetty Tree, + And all were as happy as happy could be, + With the Quangle Wangle Quee. + + + + +THE CUMMERBUND. +An Indian Poem. + + I. + +She sate upon her Dobie, + To watch the Evening Star, +And all the Punkahs, as they passed, + Cried, "My! how fair you are!" +Around her bower, with quivering leaves, + The tall Kamsamahs grew, +And Kitmutgars in wild festoons + Hung down from Tchokis blue. + + + II. + +Below her home the river rolled + With soft meloobious sound, +Where golden-finned Chuprassies swam, + In myriads circling round. +Above, on tallest trees remote + Green Ayahs perched alone, +And all night long the Mussak moan'd + Its melancholy tone. + + + III. + +And where the purple Nullahs threw + Their branches far and wide, +And silvery Goreewallahs flew + In silence, side by side, +The little Bheesties' twittering cry + Rose on the flagrant air, +And oft the angry Jampan howled + Deep in his hateful lair. + + + IV. + +She sate upon her Dobie, + She heard the Nimmak hum, +When all at once a cry arose, + "The Cummerbund is come!" +In vain she fled: with open jaws + The angry monster followed, +And so (before assistance came) + That Lady Fair was swollowed. + + + V. + +They sought in vain for even a bone + Respectfully to bury; +They said, "Hers was a dreadful fate!" + (And Echo answered, "Very.") +They nailed her Dobie to the wall, + Where last her form was seen, +And underneath they wrote these words, + In yellow, blue, and green: +"Beware, ye Fair! Ye Fair, beware! + Nor sit out late at night, +Lest horrid Cummerbunds should come, + And swollow you outright." + + +NOTE.--First published in _Times of India_, Bombay, July, 1874. + + + + +THE AKOND OF SWAT. + + + Who, or why, or which, or _what_, Is the Akond of SWAT? + Is he tall or short, or dark or fair? + Does he sit on a stool or a sofa or chair, or SQUAT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Is he wise or foolish, young or old? + Does he drink his soup and his coffee cold, or HOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he sing or whistle, jabber or talk, + And when riding abroad does he gallop or walk, or TROT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he wear a turban, a fez, or a hat? + Does he sleep on a mattress, a bed, or a mat, or a COT, + The Akond of Swat? + + When he writes a copy in round-hand size, + Does he cross his T's and finish his I's with a DOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Can he write a letter concisely clear + Without a speck or a smudge or smear or BLOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Do his people like him extremely well? + Or do they, whenever they can, rebel, or PLOT, + At the Akond of Swat? + + If he catches them then, either old or young, + Does he have them chopped in pieces or hung, or _shot_, + The Akond of Swat? + + Do his people prig in the lanes or park? + Or even at times, when days are dark, GAROTTE? + O the Akond of Swat! + + Does he study the wants of his own dominion? + Or doesn't he care for public opinion a JOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + To amuse his mind do his people show him + Pictures, or any one's last new poem, or WHAT, + For the Akond of Swat? + + At night if he suddenly screams and wakes, + Do they bring him only a few small cakes, or a LOT, + For the Akond of Swat? + + Does he live on turnips, tea, or tripe? + Does he like his shawl to be marked with a stripe, or a DOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he like to lie on his back in a boat + Like the lady who lived in that isle remote, SHALLOTT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Is he quiet, or always making a fuss? + Is his steward a Swiss or a Swede or a Russ, or a SCOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he like to sit by the calm blue wave? + Or to sleep and snore in a dark green cave, or a GROTT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he drink small beer from a silver jug? + Or a bowl? or a glass? or a cup? or a mug? or a POT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he beat his wife with a gold-topped pipe, + When she lets the gooseberries grow too ripe, or ROT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he wear a white tie when he dines with friends, + And tie it neat in a bow with ends, or a KNOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he like new cream, and hate mince-pies? + When he looks at the sun does he wink his eyes, or NOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he teach his subjects to roast and bake? + Does he sail about on an inland lake, in a YACHT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Some one, or nobody, knows I wot + Who or which or why or what + Is the Akond of Swat! + + +NOTE.--For the existence of this potentate see Indian newspapers, _passim_. +The proper way to read the verses is to make an immense emphasis on the +monosyllabic rhymes, which indeed ought to be shouted out by a chorus. + + * * * * * + + + + +NONSENSE BOTANY. + + +[Illustration: Armchairia Comfortabilis.] + +[Illustration: Bassia Palealensis.] + +[Illustration: Bubblia Blowpipia.] + +[Illustration: Bluebottlia Buzztilentia.] + +[Illustration: Crabbia Horrida.] + +[Illustration: Smalltoothcombia Domestica.] + +[Illustration: Knutmigrata Simplice.] + +[Illustration: Tureenia Ladlecum.] + +[Illustration: Puffia Leatherbellowsa.] + +[Illustration: Queeriflora Babyoeides.] + + * * * * * + + + + +NONSENSE ALPHABETS. + + + A + + [Illustration] + + A was an Area Arch + Where washerwomen sat; + They made a lot of lovely starch + To starch Papa's Cravat. + + + B + + [Illustration] + + B was a Bottle blue, + Which was not very small; + Papa he filled it full of beer, + And then he drank it all. + + + C + + [Illustration] + + C was Papa's gray Cat, + Who caught a squeaky Mouse; + She pulled him by his twirly tail + All about the house. + + + D + + [Illustration] + + D was Papa's white Duck, + Who had a curly tail; + One day it ate a great fat frog, + Besides a leetle snail. + + + E + + [Illustration] + + E was a little Egg, + Upon the breakfast table; + Papa came in and ate it up + As fast as he was able. + + + F + + [Illustration] + + F was a little Fish. + Cook in the river took it + Papa said, "Cook! Cook! bring a dish! + And, Cook! be quick and cook it!" + + + G + + [Illustration] + + G was Papa's new Gun; + He put it in a box; + And then he went and bought a bun, + And walked about the Docks. + + + H + + [Illustration] + + H was Papa's new Hat; + He wore it on his head; + Outside it was completely black, + But inside it was red. + + + I + + [Illustration] + + I was an Inkstand new, + Papa he likes to use it; + He keeps it in his pocket now, + For fear that he should lose it. + + + J + + [Illustration] + + J was some Apple Jam, + Of which Papa ate part; + But all the rest he took away + And stuffed into a tart. + + + K + + [Illustration] + + K was a great new Kite; + Papa he saw it fly + Above a thousand chimney pots, + And all about the sky. + + + L + + [Illustration] + + L was a fine new Lamp; + But when the wick was lit, + Papa he said, "This Light ain't good! + I cannot read a bit!" + + + M + + [Illustration] + + M was a dish of mince; + It looked so good to eat! + Papa, he quickly ate it up, + And said, "This is a treat!" + + + N + + [Illustration] + + N was a Nut that grew + High up upon a tree; + Papa, who could not reach it, said, + "That's _much_ too high for me!" + + + O + + [Illustration] + + O was an Owl who flew + All in the dark away, + Papa said, "What an owl you are! + Why don't you fly by day?" + + P + + [Illustration] + + P was a little Pig, + Went out to take a walk; + Papa he said, "If Piggy dead, + He'd all turn into Pork!" + + + Q + + [Illustration] + + Q was a Quince that hung + Upon a garden tree; + Papa he brought it with him home, + And ate it with his tea. + + + R + + [Illustration] + + R was a Railway Rug + Extremely large and warm; + Papa he wrapped it round his head, + In a most dreadful storm. + + + S + + [Illustration] + + S was Papa's new Stick, + Papa's new thumping Stick, + To thump extremely wicked boys, + Because it was so thick. + + + T + + [Illustration] + + T was a tumbler full + Of Punch all hot and good; + Papa he drank it up, when in + The middle of a wood. + + + U + + [Illustration] + + U was a silver urn, + Full of hot scalding water; + Papa said, "If that Urn were mine, + I'd give it to my daughter!" + + + V + + [Illustration] + + V was a Villain; once + He stole a piece of beef. + Papa he said, "Oh, dreadful man! + That Villain is a Thief!" + + + W + + [Illustration] + + W was a Watch of Gold: + It told the time of day, + So that Papa knew when to come, + And when to go away. + + + X + + [Illustration] + + X was King Xerxes, whom + Papa much wished to know; + But this he could not do, because + Xerxes died long ago. + + + Y + + [Illustration] + + Y was a Youth, who kicked + And screamed and cried like mad; + Papa he said, "Your conduct is + Abominably bad!" + + + Z + + [Illustration] + + Z was a Zebra striped + And streaked with lines of black; + Papa said once, he thought he'd like + A ride upon his back. + + + + +ALPHABET, No. 6. + + A tumbled down, and hurt his Arm, against a bit of wood, + + B said. "My Boy, oh, do not cry; it cannot do you good!" + + C said, "A Cup of Coffee hot can't do you any harm." + + D said, "A Doctor should be fetched, and he would cure the arm." + + E said, "An Egg beat up with milk would quickly make him well." + + F said, "A Fish, if broiled, might cure, if only by the smell." + + G said, "Green Gooseberry fool, the best of cures I hold." + + H said, "His Hat should be kept on, to keep him from the cold." + + I said, "Some Ice upon his head will make him better soon." + + J said, "Some Jam, if spread on bread, or given in a spoon!" + + K said, "A Kangaroo is here,--this picture let him see." + + L said, "A Lamp pray keep alight, to make some barley tea." + + M said, "A Mulberry or two might give him satisfaction." + + N said, "Some Nuts, if rolled about, might be a slight attraction." + + O said, "An Owl might make him laugh, if only it would wink." + + P said, "Some Poetry might be read aloud, to make him think." + + Q said, "A Quince I recommend,--a Quince, or else a Quail." + + R said, "Some Rats might make him move, if fastened by their tail." + + S said, "A Song should now be sung, in hopes to make him laugh!" + + T said, "A Turnip might avail, if sliced or cut in half!" + + U said, "An Urn, with water hot, place underneath his chin!" + + V said, "I'll stand upon a chair, and play a Violin!" + + W said, "Some Whisky-Whizzgigs fetch, some marbles and a ball!" + + X said, "Some double XX ale would be the best of all!" + + Y said, "Some Yeast mixed up with salt would make a perfect plaster!" + + Z said, "Here is a box of Zinc! Get in, my little master! + We'll shut you up! We'll nail you down! We will, my little + master! + We think we've all heard quite enough of this your sad + disaster!" + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NONSENSE BOOKS*** + + +******* This file should be named 13650.txt or 13650.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/3/6/5/13650 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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