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diff --git a/old/13494-8.txt b/old/13494-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..186e1f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13494-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,974 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Fables For The Times, by H. W. Phillips + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Fables For The Times + +Author: H. W. Phillips + +Release Date: September 18, 2004 [EBook #13494] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FABLES FOR THE TIMES *** + + + + +Produced by David Newman, Clare Boothby and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + + +Fables for the Times. + +_By_ H.W. Phillips. + +_Illustrated by_ T.R. Sullivant. + + + + +Contents + +The Baa-Sheep and the Lion +The Dog and the Meat +The Fox and the Grapes +The Fox and the Crow +The Ass in the Lion's Skin +The Horse and the Oyster +The Monkey and the Ass +The Merchant and the Fool +The Wolf and the Sheep +The Ambitious Hippopotamus +The Man and the Serpent +The Appreciative Man +On the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the Ostrich +The Idol and the Ass +The Bee and Jupiter +The Lion and the Boar +The Tiger and the Deer +The Old Man, His Son and the Ass +The Shipwrecked Traveler +The Discontented Woman + + + + +The Baa-Sheep and the Lion. + + +A baa-sheep was lying under the paw of a black-maned lion. Whatever was +going to be done had to be done quickly. A thought flashed upon the sheep +and he said: + +"Most dread lord and master, I have heard your voice extolled beyond that +of all others. Will you not sing me a little selection from Wagner before I +die?" + +The lion, touched in his vanity, immediately started up and roared away +until the goose-flesh stood out on the rocks. When he had finished, the +sheep was in tears. + +"What means this?" growled the lion in a rage. "Do you presume to criticise +my singing?" + +"Oh, no!" sobbed the sheep. "That is not it. But I have heard that wool was +the worst thing in the world for the voice, and when I think of the ruin of +that beautiful organ of yours, consequent upon eating me, I weep to think +that I was not born hairless." + +The lion regarded him out of the corner of his eye. Then, in his grandest +manner, said: "Run along home to your ma, little sheep; I was only playing +with you," and walked off through the forest with a great deal of dignity. + +[Illustration: The Baa-Sheep and the Lion.] + + + + +The Dog and the Meat. + + +A dog with a piece of meat in his mouth was crossing a bridge over a placid +stream. On looking down he saw another dog with a precisely similar piece +of meat in the water below him. "That's a singular incident," he thought to +himself as he prepared to jump in. "But hold a minute! The angle of +incidence is always equal to the angle of reflection. Upon reflection, I +find that the other dog and the meat are only optical phenomena." And he +trotted on his way to Boston without further thought about the matter. + +[Illustration: The Dog and the Meat.] + + + + +The Fox and the Grapes. + + +A fox stood under an apple-tree and gazed up earnestly at the globes of +yellow lusciousness. "How sad, for the sake of an old-time piece of +literature," he said, "that the fox is a carnivorous animal and doesn't +care particularly about fruit!" + + +IMMORAL: + +We all have plenty of faults without the Truly Good taking the trouble to +invent them for us. + +[Illustration: The Fox and the Grapes.] + + + + +The Fox and the Crow. + + +A crow, having stolen a piece of flesh, perched in a tree to enjoy it at +leisure. A fox saw her, and, being hungry, thought he would employ a little +diplomacy to get the meat away from her. + +"What a prima-donna the crow would be," he said, looking at her with mock +admiration, "if she only had a voice proportional to her other +attractions!" + +The crow promptly dropped the piece of flesh on his head, completely +blinding him, and before he could recover from his surprise, lit on his +back and began to peck him viciously. "I'll have you to know," she cawed, +"that I'm a proper lady, and the man that compares me to them shameless +French singing hussies is going to get hurt." + + +IMMORAL: + +Don't praise the soft whiteness of a labor delegate's hands. + +[Illustration: The Fox and the Crow.] + + + + +The Ass in the Lion's Skin. + + +An ass, by some means unknown to the writer, having managed to get into a +lion's skin, ran around the neighborhood frightening the beasts into fits. +When he brayed, they said: "Jupiter! what a magnificent bass voice he has!" +and he was the pantata of that district until he died of old age. + + +IMMORAL: + +A good bluff, well chucked, is liable to do considerable execution. + +[Illustration: The Ass in the Lion's Skin.] + + + + +The Horse and the Oyster. + + +A very prancy horse, discovering an oyster on the sea-shore, thought to +show off a little and make the oyster envious. + +After he had done some surprising leaps and curvetings, he went up to the +oyster, and, with a toss of his head, said: + +"There! what do you think of that?" + +"You must excuse me," answered the bivalve, "but I have been blind from +birth, and missed the whole show." + + +IMMORAL: + +Of what use is a dress suit in the Desert of Sahara? + +[Illustration: The Horse and the Oyster.] + + + + +The Monkey and the Ass. + +An ass, having seen a monkey doing tricks on a roof, to the edification of +the villagers, became envious, and essayed to emulate his more agile rival. + +The roof broke under his greater weight, and he fell through on his master, +squashing him flatter than a pan-cake. Thenceforward, having no one to say +him nay, he lived a life of peace and plenty, coming and going at his own +sweet will, while the monkey was captured by an organ grinder and works +eighteen hours a day. + + +IMMORAL: + +People are not always such asses as they seem to us. + +[Illustration: The Monkey and the Ass.] + + + + +The Merchant and the Fool. + + +A merchant of horses was driving his stock to the market. On the road he +met a venerable old fool, who offered to buy his entire stock. + +"It is this way," said the intended purchaser, "I will take your horses +now, and whenever I find use for one, I will send you the money for it." + +"Now the gods be lenient to folly!" exclaimed the indignant merchant. +"Man, Man! where in the realm of idiocy did you get your knowledge of +business?" + +"I ran a pay-on-publication journal for ten years," said the fool with +asperity. + +But the merchant had vanished in a cloud of oaths and dust. + +[Illustration: The Merchant and the Fool.] + + + + +The Wolf and the Sheep. + + +A wolf that had been left for dead by the dogs lay not far from a running +brook. He felt that one good drink might save his life. Just then a sheep +passed near. + +"Pray, sister," said he very gently, but with a sinister twinkle of his eye +teeth, "bring me some water from yon stream." + +"Certainly," said the sheep, and she brought him a glass in which she had +poured a few knock-out drops. As she sat on his corpse a little later she +moralized in this manner: "Some clever people are wicked, but all wicked +people are not clever by a d----d sight." + +[Illustration: The Wolf and the Sheep.] + + + + +The Ambitious Hippopotamus. + + +A hippopotamus who had dwelt contentedly for years on the banks of a reedy +stream, looked up one day and saw an eagle. + +She became immediately fired with a desire to fly. Having lived a staid and +respectable life that could not but find favor in the eyes of the gods, she +raised her voice in prayer. + +Jove smiled a little, but granted her request. + +On the instant a pair of broad, powerful wings were affixed to her +shoulders. + +She was naturally a trifle nervous about trying them at first, but finally +mustered up her courage. + +Away she swooped, and with a pardonable vanity took her course over a piece +of jungle where some old friends lived. + +Precisely thirty-eight seconds later a convention of animals, all swearing +and trembling with fright, were trying to conceal themselves in the same +three-by-four hole in the ground. + +The effect on the other animals disconcerted the good-natured hippopotamus +to such an extent that she lost control of herself and sailed through the +forest like an avalanche on a bender. Down went the trees and crack went +the branches, while horror-stricken beasts with bristling hair split the +welkin with their shrieks. + +The hippopotamus made for home at her best speed. Arriving over the +familiar spot, she let go all holds and came down ker-splash in the mud, +knocking the astonished little hippopotamuses out into mid-stream. + +"Oh, Jupiter! take 'em off!" she gasped. "I now see that the hippopotamus +was not intended to fly." + + +IMMORAL: + +It takes more than nine bloomers to make a man. + +[Illustration: The Ambitious Hippopotamus.] + + + + +The Man and the Serpent. + + +A man, who had lived a beautiful purple life, went to sleep under a tree in +the forest. Jove sent a huge serpent to destroy him. The man awakened as +the reptile drew near. + +"What a horrid sight!" he said. "But let us be thankful that the +pink-and-green elephant and the feathered hippopotamus are not also in +evidence." + +And he took a dose of bromide and commended himself again to sleep, while +the serpent withdrew in some confusion. + + +WHAT THIS PROVES TO A THINKING MIND: + +Jove himself couldn't get a job as Sunday-School Superintendent on his +reputation. + +[Illustration: The Man and the Serpent.] + + + + +The Appreciative Man. + + +A man stood in the archway of an ancient temple. He took in the wonderful +proportions and drank of the exquisite detail in an ecstasy of delight. + +"Oh, great is art!" he cried in a frenzy. "Art is all! the only God!" + +Just then an earthquake came mumbling along and jarred the whole country +loose. + +As the man picked himself out of the jumbled-up ruins into the dust-filled +air, he encountered a lion who had lost his tail and his temper in the +_mélée_. + +"Well, where's your art now?" snarled the lion.[1] + +"All in my eye, I reckon," answered the man, as he bathed his damaged +optic. + +[Illustration: The Appreciative Man.] + + + + +On the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the Ostrich. + + +An ostrich, who was closely pursued by a hunter, suddenly thrust his head +deep down into the sand. + +"Ah! ah!" exulted the hunter, "I have the silly thing at last." He advanced +to place a rope around the bird's legs; but the ostrich, who had accurately +timed his arrival, landed a kick in the pit of his stomach that sent him +into the hereafter like a bullet through a fog-bank. + + +IMMORAL: + +"Umph," said the ostrich as he surveyed his victim, "because a man looks +sad at the opening of a jack-pot, it doesn't necessarily follow that he's +only got ace-high." + +[Illustration: On the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the Ostrich.] + + + + +The Idol and the Ass. + + +An ass felt it his duty to destroy superstition, so he went up to the brass +idol in the market-place and gave it a vigorous kick. + +A dog came to him as he lay groaning on the ground, nursing his broken leg, +and said, "Well, did you prove anything?" + +"Nothing," said the other. "Except that I am an ass." + +Deductions to be drawn: Any old thing. + +[Illustration: The Idol and the Ass.] + + + + +The Bee and Jupiter. + + +A Bee, the queen of all the hives, ascended to Olympus with a present of +some super-refined honey for Jupiter. + +The god was delighted with the honey, and in return offered to grant any +request the Bee might make. + +"Give to me, I pray, O Lord of the Heavens! a sting, that, small and weak +as I am, I may not be defenceless against my enemies." + +Jupiter was quite put out at this demand, as he knew the weapon would be +used principally against mankind, whom he much loved. But a god's promise +must be kept, so he said: + +"It is granted you." + +"Many thanks, most potent one!" cried the Bee, running the new-gained +weapon in and out with much satisfaction. + +Jupiter sternly cut short her thanks, and continued: + +"In using this means of defense and offense you will imperil your own life, +for the sting shall remain in the wound it makes and you shall die from the +loss of it." + +The Bee flew around for a moment, and then lit on the back of the god's +neck. + +"You will kindly reconsider that last clause," she said, "or," in a very +meaning tone, "I die right here." + +Jupiter felt a cold chill take its agitated way up his spinal column. + +"All right," he said, hastily. "I don't want to be small about it. Have it +your own way. Only please get off my neck!" + +The Bee went joyously back to earth, humming a song of praise. + + +IMMORAL: + +How to play a cinch (Hoyle). "Put both feet on the encircled object. +Rosin the hands, take a long breath and _Pull_." + +[Illustration: The Bee and Jupiter.] + + + + +The Lion and the Boar. + + +One Sunday, when the new administration had induced a general thirst, a +lion and a boar came at the same moment to a corner spring to drink. + +"Have one with me," said the lion. "No, sir; this is on me," said the boar. +From words they came to blows, and while they were in the press of combat +the clock struck one A.M. and they had to go home cold-sober and disgusted. + + +IMMORAL: + +Reform is just the thing for angels. + +[Illustration: The Lion and the Boar.] + + + + +The Tiger and the Deer. + + +One day a tiger, who had grown remorseful over his murderous career, +resolved to turn over a new leaf and live on terms of friendly interest +with the other animals of the forest. + +He started out on a campaign of pacification. The first animal he met was +the deer, whom he addressed in the most courteous and beautiful of +language, assuring him of his undying affection. + +"Bunco!" yelled the deer, as he skipped away from there at the rate of ten +seconds in even time. + + +IMMORAL: + +It is useless to attempt to gain the good-will of suspicious characters. + +[Illustration: The Tiger and the Deer.] + + + + +The Old Man, His Son and the Ass. + + +An old man and his little boy were once driving an ass to the market-place. +"What's the matter with one of you riding?" said a passer-by. So the man +put his boy on the ass and they went on. The next person they met said it +was a shame to see a boy ride while an old man walked. The man lifted the +boy off and got on himself. This also excited adverse comment, and the man +took the boy up behind him. The next critic was a member of the S.P.C.A., +and he upbraided them both roundly, saying that they would better carry the +ass than he them. Thereupon they tied the ass's legs to a long pole and +carried him between them. While crossing the bridge, into the town, the +man stumbled and the ass fell into the water and was drowned. They +promptly sued the city for damages, and compromised on $263, more than +eight times the value of the ass. + + +IMMORAL: + +Hard luck cannot touch smooth people. + +[Illustration: The Old Man, His Son and the Ass.] + + + + +The Shipwrecked Traveler. + + +A man who had traveled over many countries was shipwrecked off the coast of +Opera land. After a desperate battle with the waves he managed to near the +shore where the cruel waves played with him like a cat with a mouse. He +would pull himself up the beach, half fainting, and a great, dancing, +hissing breaker would pounce upon him and drive him back. + +He called for help until the inhabitants espied him. + +They came in a group, the women costumed as milkmaids and the men as +cavaliers. + +After making about twenty feet the company stopped. + +"Oh! save him, save him!" sang the soprano. + +"Yes, yes! we will save him!" sang back the tenor. + +Then everybody sang "Save him, save him; oh, yes, we will save him, save +him from _the sea_!!!" + +The sopranos took a B flat on the last note, while the tenors and altos +rambled up and down the scale and the bassos bombarded the theme with their +deepest chest tones. + +In the meantime the traveler had been washed out to sea. As the next wave +brought him to the strand the company advanced once more a short distance, +and began. + +"In the name of Mercy, help me!" screamed the drowning man. + +"Oh, hear his piteous cry," sang the tenors, and the prima donna stepped +out and sang a beautiful aria beginning "Now the cruel waves advancing." +After she had finished the bass got in front of the company. + +He described how his strong arm had plucked the stranger from a watery +grave, and advanced to the beach to suit the action to the words. + +But, alas! the traveler had given up the ghost several minutes before. Then +the company sang a miserere and went home to lunch. + + +IMMORAL: + +The finest of Raphael's canvases would make a poor overcoat. + +[Illustration: The Shipwrecked Traveler.] + + + + +The Discontented Woman. + + +A woman who was dissatisfied with her husband loudly petitioned Jove to +send her another. The god listened favorably to her petition and sent her +a demigod. + +In less than a week the woman was bewailing her lot again, saying she never +cared for mixed goods anyhow, and that while the god-half of her present +husband might be all right, the man-half snored and chewed tobacco. Jove, +wearied by her ill-humored persistency, took back the demi-god and sent her +a man out of the Yellow Book for husband, instead. + +Up to the present writing the lady in question hasn't discovered where she +is at. + + +IMMORAL: + +Hysterics and Art are only relations by marriage. + +[Illustration: The Discontented Woman.] + +[Footnote 1: (editorial note) This was corrected from the original, which + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fables For The Times, by H. W. Phillips + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FABLES FOR THE TIMES *** + +***** This file should be named 13494-8.txt or 13494-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/4/9/13494/ + +Produced by David Newman, Clare Boothby and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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