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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13494 ***
+
+Fables for the Times.
+
+_By_ H.W. Phillips.
+
+_Illustrated by_ T.R. Sullivant.
+
+
+
+
+Contents
+
+The Baa-Sheep and the Lion
+The Dog and the Meat
+The Fox and the Grapes
+The Fox and the Crow
+The Ass in the Lion's Skin
+The Horse and the Oyster
+The Monkey and the Ass
+The Merchant and the Fool
+The Wolf and the Sheep
+The Ambitious Hippopotamus
+The Man and the Serpent
+The Appreciative Man
+On the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the Ostrich
+The Idol and the Ass
+The Bee and Jupiter
+The Lion and the Boar
+The Tiger and the Deer
+The Old Man, His Son and the Ass
+The Shipwrecked Traveler
+The Discontented Woman
+
+
+
+
+The Baa-Sheep and the Lion.
+
+
+A baa-sheep was lying under the paw of a black-maned lion. Whatever was
+going to be done had to be done quickly. A thought flashed upon the sheep
+and he said:
+
+"Most dread lord and master, I have heard your voice extolled beyond that
+of all others. Will you not sing me a little selection from Wagner before I
+die?"
+
+The lion, touched in his vanity, immediately started up and roared away
+until the goose-flesh stood out on the rocks. When he had finished, the
+sheep was in tears.
+
+"What means this?" growled the lion in a rage. "Do you presume to criticise
+my singing?"
+
+"Oh, no!" sobbed the sheep. "That is not it. But I have heard that wool was
+the worst thing in the world for the voice, and when I think of the ruin of
+that beautiful organ of yours, consequent upon eating me, I weep to think
+that I was not born hairless."
+
+The lion regarded him out of the corner of his eye. Then, in his grandest
+manner, said: "Run along home to your ma, little sheep; I was only playing
+with you," and walked off through the forest with a great deal of dignity.
+
+[Illustration: The Baa-Sheep and the Lion.]
+
+
+
+
+The Dog and the Meat.
+
+
+A dog with a piece of meat in his mouth was crossing a bridge over a placid
+stream. On looking down he saw another dog with a precisely similar piece
+of meat in the water below him. "That's a singular incident," he thought to
+himself as he prepared to jump in. "But hold a minute! The angle of
+incidence is always equal to the angle of reflection. Upon reflection, I
+find that the other dog and the meat are only optical phenomena." And he
+trotted on his way to Boston without further thought about the matter.
+
+[Illustration: The Dog and the Meat.]
+
+
+
+
+The Fox and the Grapes.
+
+
+A fox stood under an apple-tree and gazed up earnestly at the globes of
+yellow lusciousness. "How sad, for the sake of an old-time piece of
+literature," he said, "that the fox is a carnivorous animal and doesn't
+care particularly about fruit!"
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+We all have plenty of faults without the Truly Good taking the trouble to
+invent them for us.
+
+[Illustration: The Fox and the Grapes.]
+
+
+
+
+The Fox and the Crow.
+
+
+A crow, having stolen a piece of flesh, perched in a tree to enjoy it at
+leisure. A fox saw her, and, being hungry, thought he would employ a little
+diplomacy to get the meat away from her.
+
+"What a prima-donna the crow would be," he said, looking at her with mock
+admiration, "if she only had a voice proportional to her other
+attractions!"
+
+The crow promptly dropped the piece of flesh on his head, completely
+blinding him, and before he could recover from his surprise, lit on his
+back and began to peck him viciously. "I'll have you to know," she cawed,
+"that I'm a proper lady, and the man that compares me to them shameless
+French singing hussies is going to get hurt."
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+Don't praise the soft whiteness of a labor delegate's hands.
+
+[Illustration: The Fox and the Crow.]
+
+
+
+
+The Ass in the Lion's Skin.
+
+
+An ass, by some means unknown to the writer, having managed to get into a
+lion's skin, ran around the neighborhood frightening the beasts into fits.
+When he brayed, they said: "Jupiter! what a magnificent bass voice he has!"
+and he was the pantata of that district until he died of old age.
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+A good bluff, well chucked, is liable to do considerable execution.
+
+[Illustration: The Ass in the Lion's Skin.]
+
+
+
+
+The Horse and the Oyster.
+
+
+A very prancy horse, discovering an oyster on the sea-shore, thought to
+show off a little and make the oyster envious.
+
+After he had done some surprising leaps and curvetings, he went up to the
+oyster, and, with a toss of his head, said:
+
+"There! what do you think of that?"
+
+"You must excuse me," answered the bivalve, "but I have been blind from
+birth, and missed the whole show."
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+Of what use is a dress suit in the Desert of Sahara?
+
+[Illustration: The Horse and the Oyster.]
+
+
+
+
+The Monkey and the Ass.
+
+An ass, having seen a monkey doing tricks on a roof, to the edification of
+the villagers, became envious, and essayed to emulate his more agile rival.
+
+The roof broke under his greater weight, and he fell through on his master,
+squashing him flatter than a pan-cake. Thenceforward, having no one to say
+him nay, he lived a life of peace and plenty, coming and going at his own
+sweet will, while the monkey was captured by an organ grinder and works
+eighteen hours a day.
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+People are not always such asses as they seem to us.
+
+[Illustration: The Monkey and the Ass.]
+
+
+
+
+The Merchant and the Fool.
+
+
+A merchant of horses was driving his stock to the market. On the road he
+met a venerable old fool, who offered to buy his entire stock.
+
+"It is this way," said the intended purchaser, "I will take your horses
+now, and whenever I find use for one, I will send you the money for it."
+
+"Now the gods be lenient to folly!" exclaimed the indignant merchant.
+"Man, Man! where in the realm of idiocy did you get your knowledge of
+business?"
+
+"I ran a pay-on-publication journal for ten years," said the fool with
+asperity.
+
+But the merchant had vanished in a cloud of oaths and dust.
+
+[Illustration: The Merchant and the Fool.]
+
+
+
+
+The Wolf and the Sheep.
+
+
+A wolf that had been left for dead by the dogs lay not far from a running
+brook. He felt that one good drink might save his life. Just then a sheep
+passed near.
+
+"Pray, sister," said he very gently, but with a sinister twinkle of his eye
+teeth, "bring me some water from yon stream."
+
+"Certainly," said the sheep, and she brought him a glass in which she had
+poured a few knock-out drops. As she sat on his corpse a little later she
+moralized in this manner: "Some clever people are wicked, but all wicked
+people are not clever by a d----d sight."
+
+[Illustration: The Wolf and the Sheep.]
+
+
+
+
+The Ambitious Hippopotamus.
+
+
+A hippopotamus who had dwelt contentedly for years on the banks of a reedy
+stream, looked up one day and saw an eagle.
+
+She became immediately fired with a desire to fly. Having lived a staid and
+respectable life that could not but find favor in the eyes of the gods, she
+raised her voice in prayer.
+
+Jove smiled a little, but granted her request.
+
+On the instant a pair of broad, powerful wings were affixed to her
+shoulders.
+
+She was naturally a trifle nervous about trying them at first, but finally
+mustered up her courage.
+
+Away she swooped, and with a pardonable vanity took her course over a piece
+of jungle where some old friends lived.
+
+Precisely thirty-eight seconds later a convention of animals, all swearing
+and trembling with fright, were trying to conceal themselves in the same
+three-by-four hole in the ground.
+
+The effect on the other animals disconcerted the good-natured hippopotamus
+to such an extent that she lost control of herself and sailed through the
+forest like an avalanche on a bender. Down went the trees and crack went
+the branches, while horror-stricken beasts with bristling hair split the
+welkin with their shrieks.
+
+The hippopotamus made for home at her best speed. Arriving over the
+familiar spot, she let go all holds and came down ker-splash in the mud,
+knocking the astonished little hippopotamuses out into mid-stream.
+
+"Oh, Jupiter! take 'em off!" she gasped. "I now see that the hippopotamus
+was not intended to fly."
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+It takes more than nine bloomers to make a man.
+
+[Illustration: The Ambitious Hippopotamus.]
+
+
+
+
+The Man and the Serpent.
+
+
+A man, who had lived a beautiful purple life, went to sleep under a tree in
+the forest. Jove sent a huge serpent to destroy him. The man awakened as
+the reptile drew near.
+
+"What a horrid sight!" he said. "But let us be thankful that the
+pink-and-green elephant and the feathered hippopotamus are not also in
+evidence."
+
+And he took a dose of bromide and commended himself again to sleep, while
+the serpent withdrew in some confusion.
+
+
+WHAT THIS PROVES TO A THINKING MIND:
+
+Jove himself couldn't get a job as Sunday-School Superintendent on his
+reputation.
+
+[Illustration: The Man and the Serpent.]
+
+
+
+
+The Appreciative Man.
+
+
+A man stood in the archway of an ancient temple. He took in the wonderful
+proportions and drank of the exquisite detail in an ecstasy of delight.
+
+"Oh, great is art!" he cried in a frenzy. "Art is all! the only God!"
+
+Just then an earthquake came mumbling along and jarred the whole country
+loose.
+
+As the man picked himself out of the jumbled-up ruins into the dust-filled
+air, he encountered a lion who had lost his tail and his temper in the
+_mélée_.
+
+"Well, where's your art now?" snarled the lion.[1]
+
+"All in my eye, I reckon," answered the man, as he bathed his damaged
+optic.
+
+[Illustration: The Appreciative Man.]
+
+
+
+
+On the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the Ostrich.
+
+
+An ostrich, who was closely pursued by a hunter, suddenly thrust his head
+deep down into the sand.
+
+"Ah! ah!" exulted the hunter, "I have the silly thing at last." He advanced
+to place a rope around the bird's legs; but the ostrich, who had accurately
+timed his arrival, landed a kick in the pit of his stomach that sent him
+into the hereafter like a bullet through a fog-bank.
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+"Umph," said the ostrich as he surveyed his victim, "because a man looks
+sad at the opening of a jack-pot, it doesn't necessarily follow that he's
+only got ace-high."
+
+[Illustration: On the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the Ostrich.]
+
+
+
+
+The Idol and the Ass.
+
+
+An ass felt it his duty to destroy superstition, so he went up to the brass
+idol in the market-place and gave it a vigorous kick.
+
+A dog came to him as he lay groaning on the ground, nursing his broken leg,
+and said, "Well, did you prove anything?"
+
+"Nothing," said the other. "Except that I am an ass."
+
+Deductions to be drawn: Any old thing.
+
+[Illustration: The Idol and the Ass.]
+
+
+
+
+The Bee and Jupiter.
+
+
+A Bee, the queen of all the hives, ascended to Olympus with a present of
+some super-refined honey for Jupiter.
+
+The god was delighted with the honey, and in return offered to grant any
+request the Bee might make.
+
+"Give to me, I pray, O Lord of the Heavens! a sting, that, small and weak
+as I am, I may not be defenceless against my enemies."
+
+Jupiter was quite put out at this demand, as he knew the weapon would be
+used principally against mankind, whom he much loved. But a god's promise
+must be kept, so he said:
+
+"It is granted you."
+
+"Many thanks, most potent one!" cried the Bee, running the new-gained
+weapon in and out with much satisfaction.
+
+Jupiter sternly cut short her thanks, and continued:
+
+"In using this means of defense and offense you will imperil your own life,
+for the sting shall remain in the wound it makes and you shall die from the
+loss of it."
+
+The Bee flew around for a moment, and then lit on the back of the god's
+neck.
+
+"You will kindly reconsider that last clause," she said, "or," in a very
+meaning tone, "I die right here."
+
+Jupiter felt a cold chill take its agitated way up his spinal column.
+
+"All right," he said, hastily. "I don't want to be small about it. Have it
+your own way. Only please get off my neck!"
+
+The Bee went joyously back to earth, humming a song of praise.
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+How to play a cinch (Hoyle). "Put both feet on the encircled object.
+Rosin the hands, take a long breath and _Pull_."
+
+[Illustration: The Bee and Jupiter.]
+
+
+
+
+The Lion and the Boar.
+
+
+One Sunday, when the new administration had induced a general thirst, a
+lion and a boar came at the same moment to a corner spring to drink.
+
+"Have one with me," said the lion. "No, sir; this is on me," said the boar.
+From words they came to blows, and while they were in the press of combat
+the clock struck one A.M. and they had to go home cold-sober and disgusted.
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+Reform is just the thing for angels.
+
+[Illustration: The Lion and the Boar.]
+
+
+
+
+The Tiger and the Deer.
+
+
+One day a tiger, who had grown remorseful over his murderous career,
+resolved to turn over a new leaf and live on terms of friendly interest
+with the other animals of the forest.
+
+He started out on a campaign of pacification. The first animal he met was
+the deer, whom he addressed in the most courteous and beautiful of
+language, assuring him of his undying affection.
+
+"Bunco!" yelled the deer, as he skipped away from there at the rate of ten
+seconds in even time.
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+It is useless to attempt to gain the good-will of suspicious characters.
+
+[Illustration: The Tiger and the Deer.]
+
+
+
+
+The Old Man, His Son and the Ass.
+
+
+An old man and his little boy were once driving an ass to the market-place.
+"What's the matter with one of you riding?" said a passer-by. So the man
+put his boy on the ass and they went on. The next person they met said it
+was a shame to see a boy ride while an old man walked. The man lifted the
+boy off and got on himself. This also excited adverse comment, and the man
+took the boy up behind him. The next critic was a member of the S.P.C.A.,
+and he upbraided them both roundly, saying that they would better carry the
+ass than he them. Thereupon they tied the ass's legs to a long pole and
+carried him between them. While crossing the bridge, into the town, the
+man stumbled and the ass fell into the water and was drowned. They
+promptly sued the city for damages, and compromised on $263, more than
+eight times the value of the ass.
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+Hard luck cannot touch smooth people.
+
+[Illustration: The Old Man, His Son and the Ass.]
+
+
+
+
+The Shipwrecked Traveler.
+
+
+A man who had traveled over many countries was shipwrecked off the coast of
+Opera land. After a desperate battle with the waves he managed to near the
+shore where the cruel waves played with him like a cat with a mouse. He
+would pull himself up the beach, half fainting, and a great, dancing,
+hissing breaker would pounce upon him and drive him back.
+
+He called for help until the inhabitants espied him.
+
+They came in a group, the women costumed as milkmaids and the men as
+cavaliers.
+
+After making about twenty feet the company stopped.
+
+"Oh! save him, save him!" sang the soprano.
+
+"Yes, yes! we will save him!" sang back the tenor.
+
+Then everybody sang "Save him, save him; oh, yes, we will save him, save
+him from _the sea_!!!"
+
+The sopranos took a B flat on the last note, while the tenors and altos
+rambled up and down the scale and the bassos bombarded the theme with their
+deepest chest tones.
+
+In the meantime the traveler had been washed out to sea. As the next wave
+brought him to the strand the company advanced once more a short distance,
+and began.
+
+"In the name of Mercy, help me!" screamed the drowning man.
+
+"Oh, hear his piteous cry," sang the tenors, and the prima donna stepped
+out and sang a beautiful aria beginning "Now the cruel waves advancing."
+After she had finished the bass got in front of the company.
+
+He described how his strong arm had plucked the stranger from a watery
+grave, and advanced to the beach to suit the action to the words.
+
+But, alas! the traveler had given up the ghost several minutes before. Then
+the company sang a miserere and went home to lunch.
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+The finest of Raphael's canvases would make a poor overcoat.
+
+[Illustration: The Shipwrecked Traveler.]
+
+
+
+
+The Discontented Woman.
+
+
+A woman who was dissatisfied with her husband loudly petitioned Jove to
+send her another. The god listened favorably to her petition and sent her
+a demigod.
+
+In less than a week the woman was bewailing her lot again, saying she never
+cared for mixed goods anyhow, and that while the god-half of her present
+husband might be all right, the man-half snored and chewed tobacco. Jove,
+wearied by her ill-humored persistency, took back the demi-god and sent her
+a man out of the Yellow Book for husband, instead.
+
+Up to the present writing the lady in question hasn't discovered where she
+is at.
+
+
+IMMORAL:
+
+Hysterics and Art are only relations by marriage.
+
+[Illustration: The Discontented Woman.]
+
+[Footnote 1: (editorial note) This was corrected from the original, which
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fables For The Times, by H. W. Phillips
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13494 ***