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diff --git a/13465-h/13465-h.htm b/13465-h/13465-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..557b082 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/13465-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1812 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, July 25, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13465 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 25, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page37" + id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:48%;"> + <a href="images/37-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37-1.png" + alt="Amonasro, Aïda, and Radames." /></a> + + <p><i>Amonasro</i> (<i>the Black King</i>). "I am your + father. I've kept myself dark so long that I've become + quite black!"</p> + + <p><i>Aïda</i> (<i>the White Maiden</i>). "Oh! go away, + black man; don't come anigh me!! You ought to be + <i>Otello</i> to-morrow night."</p> + + <p><i>Little Ravelli-Radames</i> (<i>aside</i>). "No matter + what colour, I love her!!"</p><br /> + <a href="images/37-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37-2.png" + alt="Covent Garden Stars seen through the Harriscope." /> + </a>Covent Garden Stars seen through the Harriscope. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday, July 14</i>.—Madame NORDICA is not at her + best as <i>Aïda</i>. It lacks colour—that is on the face + and hands, where at least should be shown some more "colourable + pretence" for being the daughter of so blackened a character as + is her father <i>Amonasro</i>, played as a villain of the + deepest dye by M. DEVOYOD. When the celebrated march was heard, + the players didn't seem particularly strong in trumps, and the + trumpets giving a somewhat "uncertain sound,"—a trifle + husky, as if they'd caught cold,—somewhat marred the + usually thrilling effect. Gorgeous scene; and RAVELLI the + Reliable as <i>Radames</i> quite the success of the evening. + Mlle. GUERCIA as <i>Amneris</i> seemed to have made up after an + old steel plate in a bygone Book of Beauty. Where are those + Books of Beauty now! And <i>The Keepsake</i>? Where the + pseudo-Byronic poetry and the short stories by Mrs. NAMBY and + Mr. PAMBY? But this is only a marginal note, not in the + Operatic score. Signor ABRAMOFF was a powerful <i>Ramphis</i>, + his make-up suggesting that his title would be more + appropriately <i>Rumfiz</i>,—which would be an excellent + Egyptian name. Very good House, but still suffering from + reaction after Imperial visit, and not to recover itself till + to-morrow, <i>Wednesday</i>, when the House is crowded with a + brilliant audience to hear a brilliant performance of + <i>Otello. The Grand Otello Co. Covent Garden, Limited</i>. + Thoroughly artistic performance of <i>Iago</i> by M. MAUREL. + His wicked "Credo" more diabolically malicious than ever it was + at the Lyceum; an uncanny but distinctly striking effect. Then + DRURIOLANUS ASTRONOMICUS gave us a scenic startler in the way + of imitation meteoric effect. 'Twas on this wise: of course, + neither DRURIOLANUS nor any other Manager can carry on an + operatic season without stars, and so they are here, a galaxy + of 'em, up above, on the "back cloth," as it is technically + termed, shining brilliantly but spasmodically, strange portents + in the operatic sky. Pity Astronomer Royal not here to see and + note the fact. Next time <i>Otello</i> is given, if this + atmospheric effect is to be repeated, the attendants in the + lobbies might be permitted to supply powerful telescopes at a + small fixed charge. But the greatest star of all is Madame + ALBANI as <i>Desdemona</i>; a triumph dramatically and + operatically. Her song in the last Act, the celebrated + "<i>Willow Song</i>"—which of course no cricketer ought + to miss hearing—was most beautifully and touchingly + rendered. Those persons suffering from the heat of a crowded + house, and dreading the difficulty of finding their "keb or + kerridge" in good time, and who therefore quitted their seats + before ALBANI sang the "<i>Willow Song</i>," must, perforce, + sing the old refrain, "<i>O Willow, we have missed you!</i>" + and go back for it whenever this Opera is played again. M. JEAN + DE RESZKÉ was not, perhaps, quite up to his usual form, or his + usual former self; but, for all that, he justified his + responsibility as one of the largest shareholders in the Grand + Otello Company, Limited. All things considered, and the last + best thing being invariably quite the best, <i>Otello, or + Symphonies in Black and White</i>, is about the biggest success + of the season.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO AMANDA.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/37-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37-3.png" + alt="Amanda." /></a> + </div> + + <h4>(<i>Accompanying a Set of Verses which She bade me + write.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Only a trifle, though, i' faith, 'tis smart,</p> + + <p>A <i>jeu d'esprit</i>, not art concealing art,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fruition of a moment's fantasy,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mere mental bubbles, verbal filagree.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But, though thy lightest wish I would not + thwart,</p> + + <p>I prithee bid me play some other part</p> + + <p>Another time, and I will give thee <i>carte</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Blanche</i> to dictate; in truth aught + else will be</p> + + <p class="i10">Only a trifle,</p> + + <p>Compared with versifying. I will dart,</p> + + <p>At thy behest, e'en to the public mart</p> + + <p>To buy a bonnet, or will gleefully</p> + + <p>Carry a babe through Bond Street. My sole plea</p> + + <p>Is—no more verses. Surely 'tis, + sweetheart,</p> + + <p class="i10">Only a trifle.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SUPPLEMENTARY AND CORRECTIVE.—In his Jubilee Number + Mr. PUNCH remarked, "Merely to mention <i>all</i> the bright + pens and pencils which have occasionally contributed to my + pages would occupy much space." And space then was limited. But + among the "Great Unnamed" <i>should</i> assuredly have been + mentioned W.H. WILLS, one of the originators of Mr. PUNCH's + publication, CLEMENT SCOTT the flowing lyrist, and author of + "The Cry of the Children," &c., ASHBY STERRY of "Lazy + Minstrel" fame, and "ROBERT," the genial garrulous "City + Waiter," whilst the names of J.P. ("Dumb-Crambo") ATKINSON, and + E.J. WHEELER, were omitted by the purest accident. The late + H.J. BYRON contributed a series of papers. Mr. PUNCH hastens to + put them—as he would gladly some others—"on the + list," since, of no one of them, could it be truly said "he + never would be missed." "HALBOT" was a misprint for "HABLÔT," + "MAGUIN HANNAY" should read "MAGINN, HANNAY, &c.," and for + "<i>GEORGE</i> SILVER" read "HENRY."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page38" + id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>THE METROPOLITAN MINOTAUR;</h2> + + <h4>OR, THE LONDON LABYRINTH AND THE COUNTY COUNCIL + THESEUS.</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Certainly, if some members of the London County + Council have their way, it will soon have plenty to + occupy it without being called upon to form a scheme of + water-supply for the Metropolis."—<i>The + Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote><a href="images/38.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/38.png" + alt="The Metropolitan Minotaur." /></a> + + <p><i>L.C.C. loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bless me! Things combine so a hero to + humble!</p> + + <p>I fancied that Bull-headed + Minotaur—BUMBLE,</p> + + <p>Would fall to my hand like Pasiphae's + monster</p> + + <p>To Theseus. But oh! every step that I on + stir</p> + + <p>Bemuddles me more. I <i>did</i> think myself + clever,</p> + + <p>But fear from the Centre I'm farther than + ever,</p> + + <p>Oh, this <i>is</i> a Labyrinth! Worse than the + Cretan!</p> + + <p>Yet shall the new Theseus admit himself + beaten?</p> + + <p>Forbid it, great Progress! Your votary I, + Ma'am,</p> + + <p>But in this Big Maze it seems small use to try, + Ma'am.</p> + + <p>Mere roundaboutation's not Progress. Get + forward?</p> + + <p>Why eastward, and westward and southward, and + nor'ward,</p> + + <p>Big barriers stop me! Eh? Centralisation?</p> + + <p>Demolish that monster, Maladministration,</p> + + <p>Whose menaces fright the fair tower-crowned + Maiden.</p> + + <p>Most willingly, Madam; but look how I'm + laden,</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page39" + id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span> + + <p>And hampered! Oh! I should be grateful to you, + Ma'am,</p> + + <p>If, like Ariadne, you'd give me a clue, + Ma'am.</p> + + <p><i>I</i>'ll never—like treacherous + Theseus—desert you;</p> + + <p>My constancy's staunch, like my valour and + virtue.</p> + + <p>Through Fire, Water, Wilderness trackless I'll + follow,</p> + + <p>But astray in a Maze high ambition seems + hollow!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WATERLOO TO WEYBRIDGE.</h3> + + <h4>BY THE 6.5 P.M.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A young man—it's no matter who—</p> + + <p>Hailed a cab and remarked "Waterloo!"</p> + + <p class="i2">The driver, with bowed</p> + + <p class="i2">Head, sobbed out aloud,</p> + + <p>"Which station?" They frequently do.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A poet once said that to Esher</p> + + <p>The only good rhyme was "magnesher;"</p> + + <p class="i2">This was not the fact,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he had to retract,</p> + + <p>Which he did—he retracted with plesher.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A fancier cried: "There's one fault on</p> + + <p>The part of the sparrows at Walton;</p> + + <p class="i2">And that's why I fail</p> + + <p class="i2">To put salt on their tail—</p> + + <p>The birds have no tails to put salt on."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The dulness of riding to Weybridge</p> + + <p>Pleasant chat (mind the accent) may + <i>a</i>bridge,</p> + + <p class="i2">But not when it deals</p> + + <p class="i2">With detaching of wheels,</p> + + <p>Collisions, explosions, and Tay Bridge.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE STOLEN PICTURES.—The <i>Débats</i> informed us, + last week, that the thief who stole TENIERS' pictures from the + Museum at Rennes has been discovered. His punishment should + "fit the crime," as Mr. GILBERT's <i>Mikado</i> used to say, + and therefore he ought to be sentenced to penal servitude for + <i>Ten years</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:75%;"> + <a href="images/39.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/39.png" + alt="THE PERSONAL EQUATION." /></a> + + <h3>THE PERSONAL EQUATION.</h3> + + <p><i>Dick</i> (<i>who hasn't sold a single Picture this + year</i>). "AND AS FOR THE BEASTLY BRITISH PUBLIC, NOTHING + REALLY GOOD <i>EVER</i> GOES DOWN WITH IT—NOTHING BUT + VULGAR ROT!"</p> + + <p><i>Tom</i> (<i>who has sold every Picture he has + painted</i>). "OH, BOSH AND GAMMON, MY DEAR FELLOW. GOOD + HONEST WORK IS <i>ALWAYS</i> SURE OF ITS MARKET—AND + ITS <i>PRICE</i>!"</p>[<i>Next year their luck will be + reversed, and also their opinions of the B.P.</i>] + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Wednesday, June 11th</i>.—Left Billsbury last + Saturday, having in DICKY DIKES's words "broken the back of the + blooming canvas." During my last night's round we went into a + small house in one of the slums. The husband was out, but the + wife and family were all gathered together in the back room. + There were five children, ranging in age from ten down to two, + and the mother looked the very picture of slatternly + discomfort. We asked the usual questions, and I was just + turning to go, when I heard a violent fit of convulsive + coughing from a dark corner. The mother got up and went to the + corner. I couldn't help following, and saw the most miserable + spectacle I ever set eyes on. In a sort of cradle was lying the + smallest, frailest and most absolutely pinched and colourless + baby choking with every cough, and gasping horribly for breath. + I don't know what I said, but the mother turned to DIKES and + said, "He haven't much longer to cough. I shall want the + undertakers for him soon." I asked her if nothing could be + done, but she merely replied, "It'll be better so. We've too + many mouths to feed without him." I couldn't stay longer after + that, but fairly bolted out of the house.</p> + + <p>Our people are jubilant about our prospects. The canvas + shows, they say, a steady increase in our favour, the + registrations have been uniformly good, and, best of all, Sir + THOMAS CHUBSON again voted and spoke on the wrong side, when + the Billsbury Main Drainage Bill came on for Second Reading in + the House the other day. Our point is of course that, if this + scheme were carried out, there would be a great deal of work + for Billsbury labourers, and, somehow or other, a large amount + of money would be spent in the town. We have rubbed this well + in at every meeting we have held lately, and found it a most + effective point during the canvas. CHUBSON and the Radicals + talk about a great increase of the rates which would follow on + it; but we pooh-pooh this, and point out that the ultimate + saving would be enormous, and that the health of the town must + be benefited. They don't like the business at all, and feel + they've made a mistake.</p> + + <p>Have been made on successive nights a Druid, a Forester, and + a Loyal and Ancient Shepherd. All these three are Benefit + Societies, and the mysteries of initiation into each are very + similar. Colonel CHORKLE (who ought to have gone through the + business long ago) was made a Druid with me. I never saw + anybody so nervous. All the courage of all the CHORKLES seemed + to have deserted him, and he trembled like a Volunteer aspen. I + told Major WORBOYS on the following day that his Colonel, who I + was sure might be trusted to face a hostile battery without + flinching, had been very nervous when he was made a Druid. + WORBOYS sneered, and said that he'd be willing to take his + chance of CHORKLE's facing the battery or not, if CHORKLE would + only learn to ride decently. "Give you my word of honour," said + WORBOYS, "when the General inspected us last year, CHORKLE's + horse ran away with him three times, and at last we had to + march past without him. One of the tamest horses in the world, + too. My boy JACK rides it constantly." But WORBOYS despises + CHORKLE, and thinks he ought to command the regiment himself. + He spread it all over Billsbury that CHORKLE was found hiding + under a table when he was summoned to be initiated, and was + dragged out screaming piteously for mercy.</p> + + <p>On my last morning I was interviewed by a deputation from + the Billsbury Branch of The Women's Suffrage League. The + deputation consisted of Mrs. BOSER, the President of the + Branch, Miss AMY GINGELL, the Secretary, and two others. It was + a trying business. Mrs. BOSER is the most formidable person I + ever met. I felt like a babe in her hands after she had + glowered at me for five minutes. Finally I found myself, rather + to my own astonishment, promising to vote for a Women's + Suffrage Bill, and adding that Mrs. BOSER's arguments had + convinced me that justice had in this matter been too long + denied to women, and that for my part, if elected, I should + lose no opportunity of recording my vote on the side of women. + They seemed pleased, but the <i>Meteor</i> of the next day had + a frightful leader about the "shameful want of moral fibre in a + Conservative Candidate who was thus content to put the whole + Constitution into the melting-pot, if by so doing he could only + secure a few stray votes, and get the help of the women in his + coal-and-blanket expeditions."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page40" + id="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. I.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>An Excursion Agents' Offices. Behind the + counters polite and patient Clerks are besieged by a crowd + of Intending Tourists, all asking questions at + once.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Int. T.</i> Here—have you made out that + estimate for me yet?</p> + + <p><i>Clerk</i>. In one moment, Sir. (<i>He refers to a list, + turns over innumerable books, jots down columns of francs, + marks, and florins; reduces them to English money, and adds + them up.</i>) First class fares on the Rhine, Danube and Black + Sea steamers, I think you said, second class rail, and + postwagen?</p> + + <p><i>First Int. T.</i> I did say so, I believe; but it had + better be second class all through, and I can always pay the + difference if I want to.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>alters the sums accordingly, and + adds up again.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Clerk</i>. Fifty-five pounds fourteen and a penny, Sir. + Shall I make you put the tickets now?</p> + + <p><i>First Int. T.</i> Um, no. On second thoughts, I'd like to + see one of your short Circular Tours for the English Lakes, or + Wales, before I decide.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>hands him a quantity of leaflets, + with which he retires.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Enter</i> Mr. CLARENDON CULCHARD, <i>age about + twenty-eight; in Somerset House; tall; clean-shaven, wears + glasses, stoops slightly, dresses carefully, though his + tall hat is of the last fashion but two. He looks about him + expectantly, and then sits down to wait.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>to himself</i>). No sign of him yet! I + <i>do</i> like a man to keep an appointment. If this is the way + he <i>begins</i>—I have my doubts whether he is + <i>quite</i> the sort of fellow to—but I took the + precaution to ask HUGH ROSE about him, and ROSE said he was the + best company in the world, and I couldn't help getting on with + him. I don't think ROSE would deceive me. And from all I've + seen of PODBURY, he seems a pleasant fellow enough. What a + Babel! All these people bent on pleasure, going to seek it in + as many directions—with what success no one can predict. + There's an idea for a sonnet there.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He brings out a pocket-book, and begins to + write—"As when a—"</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>An Amurrcan Citizen</i> (<i>to</i> Clerk). See here, I've + been around with your tickets in Yurrup, and when I was at + Vernis, I bought some goods at a store there, and paid cash + down for 'em, and they promised to send 'em on for me right + here, and that was last fall, and I've never heard any more of + 'em, and what I want <i>you</i> should do now is to instruct + your representative at Vernis to go round and hev a talk with + that man, and ask him what in thunder he means by it, and + kinder hint that he'll hev the Amurrcan Consul in his hair + pretty smart, if he don't look slippier!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>mildly suggests that it would be + better to communicate directly with the</i> American + Consulate, <i>or with the tradesman himself.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The A.C.</i> But hold on—how'm I goin' to write to + that sharp, when I've lost his address, and disremember his + name? Can't you mail a few particulars to your agent, so he'll + identify him? No. (<i>Disappointed.</i>) Well, I thought you'd + ha' fixed up a little thing like that, anyhow; in my country + they'd ha' done it right away. Yes, <i>Sir</i>! [<i>He goes + away in grieved surprise.</i></p> + + <p><i>Enter</i> Mr. JAMES PODBURY, <i>age twenty-six; in a City + Office; short, fresh-coloured, jaunty; close-cut fair hair, and + small auburn moustache. Not having been to the City to-day, he + is wearing light tweeds, and brown boots.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Just nicked + it!—(<i>looks at clock</i>)—more or less. And he + doesn't seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall hit it + off together. HUGHIE ROSE said he was a capital good + chap—when you once got over his manner. Anyhow, it's a + great tip to go abroad with a fellow who knows the ropes. + (<i>Suddenly sees</i> CULCHARD <i>absorbed in his + note-book.</i>) So <i>here</i> you are, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>slightly scandalised by the tweeds and + the brown boots</i>). Yes, I've been here some little time. I + wish you could have managed to come before, because they close + early here to-day, and I wanted to go thoroughly over the tour + I sketched out before getting the tickets. [<i>He produces an + elaborate outline.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>easily</i>). Oh, <i>that's</i> all right! + I don't care where <i>I</i> go! All I want is, to see as much + as we can in the time—leave all the rest to you. I'll sit + here while you get the tickets.</p> + + <p><i>An Old Lady</i> (<i>to Clerk, as</i> CULCHARD) <i>is + waiting at the counter</i>). Oh, I <i>beg</i> your pardon, but + <i>could</i> you inform me if the 1'55 train from Calais to + Basle stops long enough for refreshments anywhere, and when + they examine the luggage, and if I can leave my handbag in the + carriage, and whether there is an English service at Yodeldorf, + and is it held in the hotel, and Evangelical, or High Church, + and are the sittings free, and what Hymn-book they use?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>sets her mind free on as many of + these points as he can, and then attends to</i> + CULCHARD.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>returning to</i> PODBURY <i>with two + cases bulging with books of coloured coupons</i>). Here are + yours. I should like you to run your eye over them, and see + that they are correct, if you don't mind.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>stuffing them in his pocket</i>). Can't + be bothered now. Take your word for it.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/40.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/40.png" + alt="Yes, Sir!" /></a>Yes, Sir! + </div> + + <p><i>Culchard</i>. No—but considering that we start the + first thing to-morrow morning, wouldn't it be as well to have + some idea of where you're going? And, by the way, excuse me, + but is it altogether prudent to keep your tickets in an outside + pocket like that? I always keep mine, with my money, in a + special case in an inner pocket, with a buttoned nap—then + I know I <i>can't</i> lose them.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Anything for a quiet life! (<i>He examines + his coupons.</i>) Dover to Ostend? Never been there—like + to see what Ostend's like. But why didn't you go by + Calais?—<i>shorter</i> you know.</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i>. Because I thought we'd see Bruges and Ghent + on our way to Brussels.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Bruges, eh? Capital! Anything particular + going on there? No? It don't matter. And Ghent—let's see, + wasn't that where they brought the good news to? Yes, we'll + stop at Ghent—if we've time. Then—Brussels? Good + deal of work to be done there, I suppose, sightseeing, and + that? I like a place where you can moon about without being + bothered myself; now, at <i>Brussels</i>—never mind, I + was only thinking.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> It's the best place to get to Cologne and up + the Rhine from. Then, you see, we go rather out of our way to + Nuremberg—</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Where they make toys? <i>I</i> + know—pretty festive there, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I don't know about festive—but it + is—er—a quaint, and highly interesting old place. + Then I thought we'd dip down to Constance, and strike across + the Alps to the Italian Lakes.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Italian Lakes? First—rate! Yes, + <i>they</i>'re worth seeing, I suppose. Think they're better + than the <i>Swiss</i> ones, though?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>tolerantly</i>). I can get the coupons + changed for Switzerland, if you prefer it. The Swiss Lakes may + be the more picturesque.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Yes, we'll do Switzerland—and run back + by Paris, eh? Not much to do in Switzerland, though, after + all!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with a faintly superior smile</i>). There + are one or two mountains, I believe. But, personally, I should + prefer Italy.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. So should I. No fun in + mountains—unless you go up 'em. What do you think of + choosing some quiet place, where nobody ever goes—say in + France or Germany—and, sticking to <i>that</i>. More of a + rest, wouldn't it be? such a bore having to know a lot; of + people!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I don't see how we can change <i>all</i> the + tickets, really. If you like, we could stop a week at St. + Goarshausen.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. What's St. Goarshausen + like—cheery?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I understood the idea was to keep away from + our fellow countrymen, and as far as I can remember St. + Goarshausen, it is not overrun with tourists—we should be + quiet enough + <i>there</i>.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" + id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. That's the place for <i>me</i>, then. Or + could we push on to Vienna? Never seen Vienna.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> If you like to give up Italy altogether.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. What do you say to <i>beginning</i> with + Italy and working back? Too hot, eh? Well, then, we'll let + things be as they are—I daresay it will do well enough. + So <i>that's</i> settled!</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>to himself on parting, after final + arrangements concluded</i>). I wish ROSE had warned me that + PODBURY's habit of mind was so painfully desultory. (<i>He + sighs.</i>) However—</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Wonder now long I shall + take to get over CULCHARD's manner. (<i>He sighs.</i>) I wish + old HUGHIE was coming—he'd give me a leg over!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He walks on thoughtfully.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>OFF TO MASHERLAND.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Our Own Grandolph.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/41-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/41-1.png" + alt="'Put out the light, and then—'" /></a>"Put + out the light, and then—" Being the true story + of The Wonderful Lamp. + </div> + + <p>I pause in my communications. Friends, real friends, have + wired over accounts of me on the trip, which have not been + written by "friendlies." Somebody wrote to <i>Black and + White</i> what purported to be Notes about me aboard the + gallant <i>Grantully Castle</i>, than which a better-found + vessel—"found" is the word—never put to sea. This + somebody ("bless him!"—DR-MM-ND W-LFF will know what I + mean) observes that "he didn't notice" any particular gratitude + on my part towards Captain HAY and his talented assistants. + Hay! what? why, confound them, I was all gratitude! Is it + because I did not run at him, embrace him, and shake his arms + off, that therefore I did not <i>feel</i> grateful! I was + awfully grateful. I felt inclined to alter the name of the + vessel to the <i>Gratefully</i> <i>Castle</i>. But "she" (you + always call a vessel "she"—isn't that nautical?) "is" as + the song says "another's, and never can be mine!" so I can't + change her name. I was overpowered by my feelings—and + what does that mean but the swallowing, with a gurgle in the + throat, of the silent tear, and the avoidance of the topic + uppermost in one's mind at the moment.</p> + + <p>"The soldier leant upon his sword, and wiped away a + tear"—but the sailor didn't, <i>Verb. sap.</i> What did I + do? Why, in my note of notes, my Private Diary, I made this + mem., "<i>Make Hay while the sun shines.</i>" Now what, I ask + any unprejudiced person, what does this mean? If Captain HAY + were suddenly to be promoted in the hay-day of his valuable + career to be an Admiral, would he suspect that he owed this + elevation to the man who, strictly obeying the ship's orders, + <i>never even spoke to the man at the wheel</i>? Now to come to + the next point. This correspondent girds at my having had a + special cabin and a special steward. <i>Why!</i> the envious + grumbler! if he had been as specially unwell as I was—but + there, I own I lose patience with him—didn't I go out as + a "Special," and if a Special doesn't have everything special + about him, <i>he is simply obtaining money under false + pretences</i>. I've a great mind—I hear the jeerer + snigger in his sleeve—but I repeat emphatically I have a + great mind to come back. "He will return, I know him well," my + traducers may sing; and I shall return when I consider my + special work specially done in my own special manner, and be + blowed to em all, the detractors!</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/41-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/41-2.png" + alt="Grandolph confiding to the <i>Chef</i> his secret receipt for cooking a flying-fish." /> + </a>Grandolph confiding to the <i>Chef</i> his secret + receipt for cooking a flying-fish. + </div> + + <p>He grumbles because I had <i>a special portable light</i> + all to myself, "when I wanted to play cards." Aha! do we see + the cloven hoof now? Was I to play cards <i>in the dark</i>? + Those who know me best know that I am all fair and above-board, + and no hole-and-corner gambling for me. And what tale has he to + tell? Why that "<i>Another night, not using his special light + at the time, two other passengers began a game of chess under + its rays.</i>" Which they had no right whatever to do. But I + winked at it, and when the first officer was coming his rounds + I winked at <i>them</i>; but this friendly act on my part they + did not heed, and consequently <i>to save them from being put + in irons</i> and confined in the deepest dungeon beneath the + <i>Grantully Castle</i> moat, I "<i>came along just then</i>," + as he reports, "<i>and removed the lamp to another part of the + deck, leaving the chess-players in the dark</i>"—as if + this consequence were anything extraordinary when a lamp is + removed! Why any schoolboy, the merest tyro in Scripture + History, knows where the great Hebrew Lawgiver was <i>when the + candle went out</i>. And were these passengers to be exempt + from the action of Nature's ordinary laws! + Bah!—"<i>without a word of apology or explanation</i>." I + <i>had</i> winked, but they were worse than blind horses, and + more resembled the inferior quadruped in obstinately refusing + to move, or in subsequently acknowledging this act of + thoughtful kindness on my part.</p> + + <p>As to my eating for breakfast a flying-fish, which somebody + on board had caught and given me, all I ask is, <i>why + shouldn't I?</i> I never had eaten a flying-fish before, and I + don't think I ever shall again. If the gentleman who caught it + didn't want me to eat it, he should have said so: for there + were three courses open to him; viz., <i>first</i>, to refuse + to give it me; <i>secondly</i>, to give it me on condition that + I kept it in memory of the occasion; <i>thirdly</i>, to throw + it back into the sea. But there was only one course open to + <i>me</i> when I got it, and that was the first course at + breakfast; the second course was kidgeree. It was a small fish + <i>just enough for one</i>, and now I rather fancy I remember + this <i>Black and White</i> correspondent, for it must have + been he, coming to my table, eyeing the fish, smacking his + lips, and observing that <i>he</i> "had never had the chance of + tasting a fried flying-fish." At that moment I was just + finishing the tail (a sweet morsel and not the worst part by + any means), and there was nothing left to offer him. So he went + away disappointed, with a grudge against yours truly. This, + Sir, is the true tale of the flying-fish, and if it isn't, let + me hear the revised version from my aspersers and caluminators. + I can write no more to-day. I am boiling over, and must go and + kick somebody. Yours, &c., + <a href="images/41-3.png"><img class="inline" + src="images/41-3.png" + width="40%" + alt="Grandolph the Explorer." /></a></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HANWELLIAN PRIZE COMPETITION.</h2> + + <h4><i>Conditions.</i></h4> + + <p>1. Entrance fee, to defray cost of postage, &c., two + guineas.</p> + + <p>2. All communications to be written illegibly, and on both + sides of the paper only—not on the edges.</p> + + <p>3. The Committee do not bind themselves to accept the lowest + or any tender; or to start at the time advertised in the + Company's tables; or to be in any way responsible for their own + actions.</p> + + <p>4. Competitors will be prosecuted.</p> + + <p>5. A prize of one shilling will be awarded to all + competitors who fail; the winners will be able to make their + way in life without prizes.</p> + + <p>6. Human beings and others are not eligible for this + competition.</p> + + <p>Subject to the above conditions, it is requested that + puzzles or questions may be forwarded to the following + solutions:—</p> + + <p><i>First Solution</i>.—Twenty-eight, if before March + 17th; one hundred and forty-six, if after that date.</p> + + <p><i>Second Solution</i>.—Put six pigs in the first + stye; then go back and fetch the fox from the other side of the + river, returning with the remaining cockatrice. Then put + yourself in the second stye, never come put any more, and + subtract.</p> + + <p><i>Third Solution</i>.—Positive, Regret; Comparative, + Regatta; Superlative, <i>Requiescat in pace</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Fourth Solution</i>.—Countesses; because the sun + (son) never sets there.</p> + + <p><i>Fifth Solution</i>.—Cut along dotted line to point + A. Then fold back, and cross to point C, keeping mark B on the + left. Stop, if you can, before getting to remark D. Bad + language never does any good.</p> + + <p><i>Sixth Solution</i>.—This is a mere catch, and only + suitable for quite young children. Of course, it is obvious + that the elephant could not have been on the outside, because + there never <i>are</i> two Mondays in the week. Hush! the Bogie + Man. <i>Exit.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" + id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/42.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/42.png" + alt="RATHER LATE IN THE DAY, PERHAPS!" /></a> + + <h3>RATHER LATE IN THE DAY, PERHAPS!</h3>"OH, GRANDPAPA + DEAR, SUCH FUN! THE FORTUNE-TELLER'S COME! <i>DO</i> COME + AND HAVE YOUR FORTUNE TOLD!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>JEAMES'S SUMMARY.</h2> + + <h3><i>Or, Le Monde où l'on s'ennuie.</i></h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Now that the pageantry and the social stir evoked by + the presence of the Imperial guests are over, there are few + who will care to prolong the dreary and disappointing + existence either of the Season or of the + Session."—<i>The Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Jeames loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ya-a-a-w!</i> Yes, young man, you've 'it it + there, penny-a-liner as you may be,</p> + + <p>And knowing, probably, no more about <i>hus</i> than + a coster's baby;</p> + + <p>But dull it 'as been, and no kid, and dreary, too, + and disappinting;</p> + + <p>Is it this Sosherlistic rot Society is so + disjinting,</p> + + <p>The Hinfluenza, or Hard Times, them Hirish, or + wotever <i>is</i> it?</p> + + <p><i>I</i> couldn't 'ave 'eld on at all, I'm sure, but + for the HEMP'ROR's visit.</p> + + <p><i>Ya-a-a-w!</i> 'Ang it, 'ow I've got the gapes! + Bring us a quencher, you young Buttons!</p> + + <p>And mind it's cool, and with a 'ed! <i>Hour</i> + family is reg'lar gluttons</p> + + <p>For "Soshal Stir." The guv'nor, he's a rising Tory + M.P., he is.</p> + + <p>And Missis all the Season through as busy as a + bloomin' bee is,</p> + + <p>A gathering Fashion's honey up from every hopening + flower. <i>That's</i> natty.</p> + + <p>I <i>'ave</i> a turn for poetry; you're quite right + there, my pretty PATTY.</p> + + <p>Lor! 'ow that gal admires these carves! But that's + "irrevelant," as the sayin' is;</p> + + <p>Master and Missis both complain 'ow dull and slow + the game they're playin' is.</p> + + <p>The Session? Yah! Give me the days, the dear old + days of darling DIZZY!</p> + + <p>With him and GLADSTONE on the job a chap + <i>could</i> say "Now we are busy."</p> + + <p>But SMITH's a slug, 'ARCOURT's a hum, and LABBY + makes a chap go squirmish.</p> + + <p>Dull as ditchwater the whole thing. One longs e'en + for a Hirish skirmish;</p> + + <p>But PARNELL's <i>fo par</i>, and his spite, 'ave + knocked the sparkle out of PADDY.</p> + + <p>No; Parlyment's a played-out fraud, flabby and + footy, flat and faddy.</p> + + <p>The Season's similar. Season? Bah? By sech a name it + ain't worth calling.</p> + + <p>Shoulders like these and carves like those was not + <i>quite</i> made for pantry-sprawling;</p> + + <p>But wot's the use? Trot myself hout for 'Ebrews, or + some tuppenny kernel?</p> + + <p>No, not for JEAMES, if he is quite aweer of it! It's + just infernal,</p> + + <p>The Vulgar Mix that calls itself Society. All shoddy + slyness,</p> + + <p>And moneybags; a "blend" as might kontamernate a + Ryal 'Igness,</p> + + <p>Or infry-dig a Hemperor. It won't nick JEAMES + though, not percisely;</p> + + <p>Better to flop in solitude than to demean one's self + unwisely.</p> + + <p>Won't ketch <i>me</i> selling myself off. I must + confess my 'art it 'arrers</p> + + <p>To see the Strorberry-Leaves go cheap—like + strorberries on low coster's barrers!</p> + + <p>Tuppence a pound! Yes, that's the cry. It's + <i>cheapness</i>, that Rad fad, that's done it.</p> + + <p>Prime fruit <i>ought</i> to be scarce and dear, + picked careful, and <i>kept in the punnet</i>.</p> + + <p>The same with <i>all</i> chice things I 'old, + whether 'tis footmen's carves or peerages;</p> + + <p>But fools forget that good old rule in this yer + queerest of all queer ages.</p> + + <p>Trade bad, things in the City tight, no Court worth + mentioning, queer scandals,</p> + + <p>Socierty inwaded by a lot of jumped-up Goths and + Wandals;</p> + + <p>Swell-matches few, gurls' chances poor, late Spring, + and lots o' sloppy weather,</p> + + <p>With that there Hinfluenza—wich perhaps is wus + than all together—</p> + + <p>All over the dashed shop! When was a Season sech a + sell as this is?</p> + + <p>Wot wonder that it aggeravates us all, pertikler Me + and Missis?</p> + + <p>Ah! But for our "Himperial Guests" the <i>Times</i>' + young man names with sech feeling,</p> + + <p>I don't know wot I <i>should</i> 'ave done. A dismal + dulness seems a-stealing</p> + + <p>Afore its time o'er every think; and now Our + Guests's gone wot reason,</p> + + <p>As the <i>Times</i> sez, for trying to perlong the + Session or the Season?</p> + + <p><i>Ya-a-a-w!</i> I shall gape my 'ed off 'ere. The + Row's a bore, the 'Ouse a fetter.</p> + + <p>And now the HEMP'ROR's slung 'is 'ook, the sooner + <i>we</i> are horf the better!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A LUSUS NATURÆ.—A paragraph in the <i>P.M.G.</i>, the + other day, was headed, "A Lion Loose in a Circus." Bad enough. + But a still more extraordinary incident would have been <i>A + Lion "tight" in a Circus</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. CHAUNCY DEPEW, the well-known American barrister, + <i>raconteur</i>, and wit, is on his way to England. His visit + is on business; probably to head a Depewtation.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page43" + id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/43.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/43.png" + alt="JEAMES'S SUMMARY." /></a> + + <h3>JEAMES'S SUMMARY.</h3>JEAMES. "DULL SESSION! DULL + SEASON!—THINGS BAD IN THE CITY!—HINFLUENZA ALL + HOVER THE SHOP; AND, NOW THE HEMP'ROR'S GONE, THE SOONER + <i>WE'RE</i> HORF THE BETTER!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" + id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> + + <h2>A NEW ELECTION "LAY."</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, young Mrs. BRAND has gone down to the East!</p> + + <p>To give the Electors a musical feast,</p> + + <p>And save her fine treble she weapons has none;</p> + + <p>Yet she means with that voice that the seat shall be + won.</p> + + <p>So good at a lay, at a ballad so grand,</p> + + <p>There never was dame like the young Mrs. BRAND!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All boldly she's entered the Cambridgeshire + halls,</p> + + <p>'Mid the squires, and the parsons, the farmers, and + thralls!</p> + + <p>Said DUNCAN, the foeman, "My friends, on my + word,</p> + + <p>Of a stranger proceeding I never have heard.</p> + + <p>I don't wish to be rude, but I <i>can't</i> + understand</p> + + <p>What you mean by this singing, oh young Mrs. + BRAND!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You need not suspect me," the lady replied;</p> + + <p>"I care not how flows the electoral tide,</p> + + <p>I merely have come down to Wisbech to-day</p> + + <p>To sing a few stanzas, trill one little lay.</p> + + <p>I am tired of long speeches, Home-Rule I can't + stand,</p> + + <p>But I <i>do</i> enjoy singing"—quoth young + Mrs. BRAND.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So lovely her voice, so bewitching her grace,</p> + + <p>Such a treat—or such treating:—did never + take place.</p> + + <p>While the Primrose Dames fretted, the Unionists + fumed,</p> + + <p>She merely the thread of her roundel resumed;</p> + + <p>And the Duncanites whispered—"'Tis most + underhand!</p> + + <p>We must send for a songstress to match Mrs. + BRAND."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A change in her theme! She has altered the bar</p> + + <p>To <i>Kathleen Mavourneen</i> and + <i>Erin-go-bragh!</i></p> + + <p>Spell-bound stand the rustics; she's won the whole + throng!</p> + + <p>To the lady they've given their votes "for a + song."</p> + + <p>"'Twill be ours, will the seat—'tis the plot I + have planned!</p> + + <p>Oh, Music hath charms!"—exclaimed young Mrs. + BRAND.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There is mourning mid folk of the Wire-pulling + Clan;</p> + + <p>Agents, Managers, Chairmen, are wild to a man,</p> + + <p>For the Cambridgeshire precedent means that their + calling</p> + + <p>Has passed to the ladies excelling + in—squalling!</p> + + <p>"Free teaching" has come, and "Free Music"'s at + hand;</p> + + <p>Which we owe to the courage of young Mrs. BRAND.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/45-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45-1.png" + alt="'JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT.'" /></a> + + <h3>"JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT."</h3>(<i>As sung sweetly by a + Public-House-Baritone.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SMOKED OFF!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Appeal from the Knife-board of a City + Omnibus.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The latest complaint of "the Ladies" is that they are + being "smoked off" the tops of the omnibuses.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/45-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45-2.png" + alt="Smoked off!" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The "knife-board," sacred once to broad male + feet,</p> + + <p class="i2">The "Happy Garden Seat,"</p> + + <p>Invaded now by the non-smoking sex,</p> + + <p class="i2">Virginal scruples vex,</p> + + <p>And matronly anathemas assail.</p> + + <p class="i2">Alas! and what avail</p> + + <p>Man's immunities of time or place?</p> + + <p class="i2">The sweet she-creatures chase</p> + + <p>From all old coigns of vantage harried man.</p> + + <p class="i2">In vain, how vain to ban</p> + + <p>Beauty from billiard-room or—Morning Bus</p> + + <p class="i2">What use to fume or fuss?</p> + + <p>And yet, and yet indeed it is no joke!</p> + + <p class="i2">Where <i>shall</i> one get a smoke</p> + + <p>Without annoying Shes with our cheroots,</p> + + <p class="i2">And being badged as "brutes"?</p> + + <p>If a poor fellow may not snatch a whiff</p> + + <p class="i2">(Without the feminine sniff)</p> + + <p>Upon the "Bus-roof," where in thunder's name</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Shall</i> he draw that same!</p> + + <p>The ladies, climb, sit, suffocate, and scoff,</p> + + <p class="i2">Declare <i>they</i> are "smoked off,"</p> + + <p>Is there no room inside? If smoke means Hades,</p> + + <p class="i2">We, "to oblige the ladies,"</p> + + <p>Have taken outside seats this many a year,</p> + + <p class="i2">Cold, but with weeds to cheer</p> + + <p>Our macintosh-enswathed umbrella'd bodies;</p> + + <p class="i2">Now we are called churl-noddies</p> + + <p>Because we puff the humble briar-root.</p> + + <p class="i2">Is man indeed a "brute"</p> + + <p>Because he may upon the knife-board's rack owe</p> + + <p class="i2">Some solace to Tobacco?</p> + + <p>If so it be, then man's last, only chance,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is in the full advance</p> + + <p>Of the "emancipated" sex. Sweet elves,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Pray learn to smoke + yourselves!</i></p> + + <p>Don't crowd us out, don't snub, and sneer, and + sniff,</p> + + <p class="i2">But—join us in a whiff!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A SHILLING IN THE POUND WISE.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—As the School Board rate has already + touched a shilling, and seems likely to go even higher, why + should not some of our money be expended in teaching the young + idea of the lower classes how to develop into more valuable + citizens than they seem likely to become under present + conditions? To carry out this idea, I jot down a few questions + to be put to a School-Board scholar before the granting of the + customary certificates:—</p> + + <p>1. Describe the formation of a Regiment, and explain its + position and duties in Brigade.</p> + + <p>2. What are the duties of a Special Constable?</p> + + <p>3. How would you set about putting horses into a + fire-engine?</p> + + <p>4. Describe the process of resuscitating a person apparently + drowned. How would you revive a person rendered insensible by + (1) cold, (2) by sunstroke.</p> + + <p>5. Give simple remedies to be applied at once in case of + bites by a mad dog, accidental poisoning by arsenic, and + swallowing of spurious coin.</p> + + <p>6. How would you set, (1) a leg, (2) an arm, (3) a broken + finger? If a man is run over by a Hansom, what should you do? + Describe an excellent substitute for a litter, when you can + obtain nothing better.</p> + + <p>7. State shortly what you consider your duty would be, (1) + were the country invaded, (2) were London in the hands of the + mob, (3) were your neighbourhood visited by fire, and decimated + by the plague.</p> + + <p>There, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, if every School-Board scholar could + supply satisfactory answers to the above questions, I would not + grudge my shilling in the pound—nay, possibly look with + equanimity on eighteenpence!—Yours, cordially,</p> + + <p class="author">ONE WHO IS SCHOOL-BORED.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" + id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/46.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/46.png" + alt="CRICKET AT LORD'S. THE LUNCHEON-TIME." /></a> + + <h3>CRICKET AT LORD'S. THE LUNCHEON-TIME.</h3>(<i>By Our + Special Instantaneous Photographic Caricaturist.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page47" + id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/47-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-1.png" + alt="'URBI ET ORBI.'" /></a> + + <h3>"URBI ET ORBI."</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH RETURNS HIS BEST THANKS TO ALL AND SINGULAR, + THE PUBLIC AND THE PRESS, FOR THE ENTHUSIASTIC RECEPTION + WITH WHICH THE TOAST OF HIS JUBILEE, EVERYWHERE AND BY + EVERYBODY, HAS BEEN RECEIVED. TO EVERYONE HEALTH AND + HAPPINESS, PEACE AND PROSPERITY.</p> + + <p class="author">PUNCH.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July</i> 13. Emperor WILLIAM + leaves to-day having taken affectionate farewell of Grandmamma. + On the whole been most successful visit. Weather a little + Frenchy in its tendency, but not all rain and thunder. If + things could only have been kept comfortable to last moment + there need have been nothing to mar success of event. + Unfortunately, TANNER's active brain discovered opportunity of + casting a stone at head of departing EMPEROR. Looking in at + Charing Cross Telegraph Office, intending to send + sixpenny-worth of genial remark to his late esteemed Leader + PARNELL on result of Carlow election, TANNER observed + "Gutknecht" on shaft of lead pencil gratuitously provided. Much + puzzled at this; thought at first it was RAIKES's way of + spelling good night; found on inquiry it was German.</p> + + <p>TANNER's patriotic bosom filled with storm of indignation. + "What!" he cried, apostrophising the absent RAIKES, "at a time + when trade is declining, Ireland is unhappy, strikes are + rampant, and human misery seems to have reached its bitterest + point, at such a time it might be hoped you would have given up + your days and nights to ameliorating the common lot, instead of + which you go about importing lead pencils made in Germany, and + so taking the very bread out of the mouth of the British + Workman."</p> + + <p>Might have asked question on subject a week ago when he made + discovery; adroitly put it down for to-night; and so whilst + Emperor WILLIAM was taking leave of Grandmamma in the stately + halls of Windsor, TANNER was flinging a lead pencil at his + retreating figure, stabbing him, so to speak, in the Imperial + back with a commercial product retailed at the inconsiderable + price of twopence-halfpenny a dozen.</p> + + <p>With some sense of relief House got into Committee of + Supply. Various questions brought up on Colonial Vote. P. and + O. SUTHERLAND championed claims of Singapore for deliverance + from arbitrary conduct of Government in levying military + contributions. Doesn't often take part in Debate; showed + to-night that abstention is not due to lack of debating + faculty. Set forth case of his clients in clear business-like + speech, which commanded attention of audience, for whom topic + itself not particularly attractive.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/47-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-2.png" + alt="'A Bad Sixpence.'" /></a>"A Bad Sixpence." + </div> + + <p>"SUTHERLAND," said the Member for Sark, one of his most + attentive listeners, "has introduced a new element into + Parliamentary oratory. His intercurrent cough is the most + remarkable adjunct to oratory I ever heard. Suppose the fact + is, when he pauses, he is thinking over the next word, or + surveying for a new line of argument. Other men would consult + their notes. P. and O. indulges in a kind of clearing of his + throat, a compromise between a cough and an articulate + remark—commanding, conciliatory, threatening, beseeching, + or convincing, according as the exigencies of the moment + require. As a work of art, the only contemporary thing equal to + it that I know, and that, of course, in quite a different way, + is some of the bye-play of the old gentleman in <i>L'Enfant + Prodigue</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Met CHAPLIN just now, striding along + corridor, mopping his statesmanlike brow with a bandana that + would, on emergency, serve as foresail for one of the + cattle-carrying steamers just now troubling the Minister for + Agriculture.</p> + + <p>"Anything gone wrong?" I asked, for it was impossible to be + blind to his evident trepidation.</p> + + <p>"No, dear boy, it's all right as it turns out, but it might + have been otherwise. What do you think? LABBY's positively been + moving the reduction of the Vote by the amount of my salary! + Shouldn't have been surprised if some Member had got up, and, + in neat speech, dilating on the enormous forward strides made + by the Empire since Ministry of Agriculture was created, moved + to double my screw. But to go and propose to dock it altogether + at the end of the first year is, if I may say so, not + encouraging."</p> + + <p>"Oh," I said, "you mustn't mind SAGE of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE; + his bark is worse than his bite."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I know," said CHAPLIN; "but I should be obliged to him + if he'd bark at someone else's heels. Not, mind you, that I + care so much about the money question. Between you and me + (though don't let it go further, or they might be holding me to + my bargain), I would rather pay £2000 a year than not have a + seat on the Treasury Bench in charge of a department. You've + never tasted the delight of standing up in a full House and + reading out answer to a question, whilst all the world hangs on + your lips. Nor have you ever drunk the deep delight of + explaining a Bill, or replying on behalf of HER MAJESTY's + Government to an Amendment. The joy is all the greater to me, + since it is newly acquired. For years I sat below the Gangway, + striving to catch the SPEAKER's eye in competition with the + herd, and when I succeeded Members either howled at me or left + the House. Now I speak without waiting for the SPEAKER's call, + and the House listens attentively to the utterances of the + Minister for Agriculture. That's better than salary paid + quarterly: worth paying for as I say. Still it's not pleasant + to have LABBY seriously proposing to stop your wages. Wish he'd + try it on someone else. There's PLUNKET for example; must put + him up in that quarter."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Committee of Supply.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/47-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-3.png" + alt="A Salmon Fisher." /></a>A Salmon Fisher. + </div> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—A long dull night varied by + occasional squalls. An immense relief to Hon. Members, after + sitting through an hour discussing Alienation of Crown Rights + in Salmon Fishing in Scotland, on which CALDWELL delivers + discourse, to have opportunity of exercising their lungs. + MORTON a benefactor in this respect. As soon as ALPHEUS + CLEOPHAS is discovered on his feet there goes forth a howl that + shakes the building. To-night rather awkward circumstance + followed. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rising for the eighth time, Members + broke forth into agonised howl that lasted several minutes. Was + stopped by sudden commotion + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page48" + id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span> at the Bar. Engineer PRIM + rushed wildly in, gesticulating towards the astonished + Chair, and disappeared. A body of workmen appearing + mysteriously from depths beneath House, tumultuously crossed + the doorway, and also vanished. Presently news came that + flood of water was raging down staircase; gradually truth + got at; a large water-main had burst in Upper Committee + Corridor; cracked at startling sound of outburst upon + ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS's re-appearance.</p> + + <p>"This is all very well," said PLUNKET. "I am myself no + enthusiastic admirer of MORTON's Parliamentary eloquence. + Still, as First Commissioner of Works, I feel this thing must + be discouraged. Must draw the line somewhere. Can't have our + water-mains bursting with vicarious indignation because MORTON + would speak eight times in Committee of Supply."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—In Lords to-night, STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, + L.C.C., gave fresh advertisement to CALDERON's picture, "<i>St. + Elizabeth of Hungary.</i>" Not a pleasant subject, from any + point of view, artistic or moral. Everybody but well-meaning + people like STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, glad to drop it. He brings it + forward at this late day; tries to make the MARKISS responsible + for whole business. The MARKISS protests that STANLEY has had + the advantage of him; hasn't even seen the picture. "The only + idea I have been able to form of it," he said to delighted + House, "is derived from a picture in <i>Punch</i>, in which + <i>ZÆO</i> is showing her back to the Members of the County + Council." Lords don't often indulge in hearty laughter; this + too much for them, and STANLEY OF ALDERLEY temporarily + extinguished, amid almost uproarious mirth.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Supply in Commons.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HIT AND MISS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[At Bisley, Miss LEALE, of Guernsey, has shot with + considerable success. Miss LEALE, though only nineteen + years old, is a shooting member of the National Rifle + Association, and has won several prizes at the meetings of + the Guernsey Rifle Association.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Whirligig of Time! Its latest turn see</p> + + <p>In this phenomenon who hails from Guernsey.</p> + + <p>We've often met, at pic-nics or at dances,</p> + + <p>Young ladies who were good at + shooting—glances!</p> + + <p>And glances that, alas! have often filled us</p> + + <p>With tender feelings, if they have not killed + us.</p> + + <p>We've met fair maidens, who have found it + pleasant</p> + + <p>To tramp the moors for grouse, or shoot at + pheasant;</p> + + <p>Of some indeed who've had a go at grisly;</p> + + <p>But never—until now—of one at + Bisley.</p> + + <p>Yet there she is, and whilst her sisters, + sitting</p> + + <p>At home, may spend their leisure time in + knitting,</p> + + <p><i>She</i> sits and shoots, nor does she very far + get</p> + + <p>From where she aims, the centre of the target.</p> + + <p>Take off your hats to her as now we name + her,—Miss</p> + + <p>LEALE, of Guernsey! Gladly we acclaim her</p> + + <p>For Womankind (triumphant in the Schools) high</p> + + <p>Renown henceforth will look for in the + bull's-eye,</p> + + <p>And, tired of tennis, having quite with thimble + done,</p> + + <p>Will strive for laurels at the Modern Wimbledon!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MONTI THE MATADOR.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Originally intended for the F-rtn-ghtly + R-v-w.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"Yes, I'm better, and the Doctor tells me I've escaped once + more. That Doctor hates you—I know it. He has saved + me—to tell you the story—The story <i>I</i> have + been trying to tell to some one for thirty years."</p> + + <p>I was talking to Old MONTI, whose full name was MONTI DI + PIETA—as a pledge of his respectability. He was a + descendant of the Pornbrocheros del Treballos d'Oro. He was + subsequently called Monkey—as a tribute to his + character.</p> + + <p>"I should like you to tell me," I said, "for you must know + that for years I have seen the snows on the Lagartigo, and the + moonlight on the—"</p> + + <p>"Stop!" he cried—"you are going to begin padding. That + will do for a magazine, not for me!" and he snapped his fingers + at me.</p> + + <p>But I was not to be put off. He was weak—a + cripple—and I gave him the choice of listening to a + personally-conducted tour in the South of Spain, or relating + his adventures.</p> + + <p>"I will have my revenge!" he muttered. "You shall hear my + life from the beginning. You must know, then, that sixty years + ago I was born, and—"</p> + + <p>"Yes," I returned, interrupting him—"of poor parents. + Your father was coarse, your mother pious. You learned all you + could about bulls, which you kept from your father, and you + were ultimately engaged as a bull-fighter—"</p> + + <p>"Stop, stop!" he cried. "If you cut out about a dozen pages + of my biography, at least let me explain how I saved my father. + You must know—"</p> + + <p>"I will do it for you in a line," I said, sharply. "Your + father lost his temper, and tried bullying the bull (no joke), + and you winked at the animal. He knew you, and stood still. The + bull went for your father—you for the bull. Drive + on!"</p> + + <p>"Let me tell you then, how I prepared myself for the Ring by + practising on a dummy bull.—I had no difficulty in + sticking pins into it—it was quite calm. Then I tried the + same game on a sheep, and got knocked down for my pains! One of + my monkey tricks! Then I got acquainted with some Irish bulls, + and letting them off on my friends got several thumps on the + head."</p> + + <p>"No," I interrupted him sternly, "get on with your + story."</p> + + <p>"Well, at length I met JUAN at the beginning of May."</p> + + <p>"Make it first of April," I said, severely.</p> + + <p>"He was the Toreador out of <i>Carmen</i>, to put it + shortly," he continued, not deigning to notice my + interruption—"and he introduced me to the bull-fight. Of + course I had to pay my footing (a very uncertain one) in + <i>duros</i>, or hard cash. Then every morning I ate a + <i>chuto</i> (a sort of small cabbage) at my dinner—then + they tried me as a <i>capa</i>, to test (so they said) my + capability. The chief patron was the Duke of MEDICINA, who in + early youth had been a doctor—hence his title—and I + shall never forget his first greeting."</p> + + <p>"Your story!" I interrupted, sternly, finding that the old + man was once more becoming tedious.</p> + + <p>"I returned," replied the dotard, with a senile chuckle, + "that he was wrong. His answer was beyond my meaning—he + muttered something about 'mutton and <i>capa</i> sauce.' I was + engaged," continued the dotard, with a feeble grin, "as a + <i>capa</i> for seventy years certain, with an annual benefit + once in four years, with a salary of forty-two thousand a + year—which in those days seemed to me to be a small + fortune."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:38%;"> + <a href="images/48.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/48.png" + alt="'They made an Idol of me.'" /></a>"They made an + Idol of me." + </div> + + <p>"They are wretchedly paid in Spain," I observed.</p> + + <p>"They are," he acquiesced. "I was paid a week in advance, + and have lived upon the proceeds ever since. And now my life + was indeed a merry one. I was free of the Ring. Now I played + the cornet in the <i>Brassos Banderillos</i>, and my + performance pleased the <i>aficionados</i> (or advertising + agents) so well, that my name was known throughout the + Peninsula."</p> + + <p>"Well," once more I interrupted, "I suppose you met a + Spanish beauty, fell in love with her, and was cut out by a + party of the name of JUAN?"</p> + + <p>"However do you think of such clever things?" asked the old + man, in a tone of extreme astonishment. "But you are right. I + placed CLEMENCIA one day in the <i>pal co</i> (or part reserved + for friends), and the bull tossed me. Ah, she trampled upon + me—treated me like a mat. But I loved her and adored + myself. Hence I was called a 'Mat-Adorer.' I repeat, the bull + tossed me, and I did not come down heads."</p> + + <p>"Go on."</p> + + <p>"I was ill, and neglected, but soon recovered sufficiently + to kill sixty-six bulls in succession."</p> + + <p>"Surely you are exaggerating?"</p> + + <p>"You are perfectly right," he answered, with a blush. "I + killed sixty-five—the sixty-sixth was only mortally + wounded. And now the people made an idol of me. I was + absolutely worshipped"—</p> + + <p>"Come to the point," I said, in a tone that showed I was not + to be trifled with.</p> + + <p>"No <i>that</i> was the fate of JUAN. At the end of a game + of <i>toros</i> (which is Spanish for marbles) he said to me + (in excellent Spanish), 'MONTI, me bhoy, philaloo! ye will + shtay by me?' 'That will I—as shure as me name is + TIM—I should say MONTI,' I responded, in choice + Castilian. The bull came up, I looked him in the eye, raised my + <i>shillalo</i> (a short Spanish club), and, crying 'Whist!' he + cut for partners. JUAN was cut a deal."</p> + + <p>"That bull was a ripper," I murmured.</p> + + <p>"Bedad he was that, Sorr," returned the dotard, whose + Spanish became more and more Castilian every moment. "CLEMENICA + died the next morning. But I am remorseful—that I did not + kill her myself. And now I have had my revenge! I have told ye + the story! I know you—your name's H-A-R-"—</p> + + <p>He gave a gasp and died.</p> + + <p>But I too had <i>my</i> revenge. I sent the tale I had just + heard to the <i>F-rtn-ghtly R-v-w</i>.</p> + + <p class="author">M.F.H.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13465 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13465-h/images/37-1.png b/13465-h/images/37-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c0db82 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/37-1.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/37-2.png b/13465-h/images/37-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97e33de --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/37-2.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/37-3.png b/13465-h/images/37-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e25875a --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/37-3.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/38.png b/13465-h/images/38.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ddec5e --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/38.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/39.png b/13465-h/images/39.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ea18edc --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/39.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/40.png b/13465-h/images/40.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..945d51b --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/40.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/41-1.png b/13465-h/images/41-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..10bd804 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/41-1.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/41-2.png b/13465-h/images/41-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c66412 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/41-2.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/41-3.png b/13465-h/images/41-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..040451b --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/41-3.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/42.png b/13465-h/images/42.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..de367b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/42.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/43.png b/13465-h/images/43.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe38f16 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/43.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/45-1.png b/13465-h/images/45-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..208c102 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/45-1.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/45-2.png b/13465-h/images/45-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4fd5e96 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/45-2.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/46.png b/13465-h/images/46.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8896137 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/46.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/47-1.png b/13465-h/images/47-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c1b5858 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/47-1.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/47-2.png b/13465-h/images/47-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9cdf83 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/47-2.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/47-3.png b/13465-h/images/47-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f79c0c --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/47-3.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/48.png b/13465-h/images/48.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..becff1e --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/48.png |
