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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13465-0.txt b/13465-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3c8c487 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1218 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13465 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 25, 1891. + + + + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration: _Amonasro_ (_the Black King_). "I am your father. I've +kept myself dark so long that I've become quite black!" + +_Aïda_ (_the White Maiden_). "Oh! go away, black man; don't come anigh +me!! You ought to be _Otello_ to-morrow night." + +_Little Ravelli-Radames_ (_aside_). "No matter what colour, I love +her!!"] + +[Illustration: Covent Garden Stars seen through the Harriscope.] + +_Tuesday, July 14_.--Madame NORDICA is not at her best as _Aïda_. It +lacks colour--that is on the face and hands, where at least should +be shown some more "colourable pretence" for being the daughter of so +blackened a character as is her father _Amonasro_, played as a villain +of the deepest dye by M. DEVOYOD. When the celebrated march was +heard, the players didn't seem particularly strong in trumps, and the +trumpets giving a somewhat "uncertain sound,"--a trifle husky, as if +they'd caught cold,--somewhat marred the usually thrilling effect. +Gorgeous scene; and RAVELLI the Reliable as _Radames_ quite the +success of the evening. Mlle. GUERCIA as _Amneris_ seemed to have +made up after an old steel plate in a bygone Book of Beauty. Where +are those Books of Beauty now! And _The Keepsake_? Where the +pseudo-Byronic poetry and the short stories by Mrs. NAMBY and Mr. +PAMBY? But this is only a marginal note, not in the Operatic score. +Signor ABRAMOFF was a powerful _Ramphis_, his make-up suggesting +that his title would be more appropriately _Rumfiz_,--which would +be an excellent Egyptian name. Very good House, but still suffering +from reaction after Imperial visit, and not to recover itself till +to-morrow, _Wednesday_, when the House is crowded with a brilliant +audience to hear a brilliant performance of _Otello. The Grand Otello +Co. Covent Garden, Limited_. Thoroughly artistic performance of _Iago_ +by M. MAUREL. His wicked "Credo" more diabolically malicious than +ever it was at the Lyceum; an uncanny but distinctly striking effect. +Then DRURIOLANUS ASTRONOMICUS gave us a scenic startler in the way +of imitation meteoric effect. 'Twas on this wise: of course, neither +DRURIOLANUS nor any other Manager can carry on an operatic season +without stars, and so they are here, a galaxy of 'em, up above, on +the "back cloth," as it is technically termed, shining brilliantly but +spasmodically, strange portents in the operatic sky. Pity Astronomer +Royal not here to see and note the fact. Next time _Otello_ is given, +if this atmospheric effect is to be repeated, the attendants in the +lobbies might be permitted to supply powerful telescopes at a small +fixed charge. But the greatest star of all is Madame ALBANI as +_Desdemona_; a triumph dramatically and operatically. Her song in the +last Act, the celebrated "_Willow Song_"--which of course no cricketer +ought to miss hearing--was most beautifully and touchingly rendered. +Those persons suffering from the heat of a crowded house, and dreading +the difficulty of finding their "keb or kerridge" in good time, and +who therefore quitted their seats before ALBANI sang the "_Willow +Song_," must, perforce, sing the old refrain, "_O Willow, we have +missed you!_" and go back for it whenever this Opera is played again. +M. JEAN DE RESZKÉ was not, perhaps, quite up to his usual form, or his +usual former self; but, for all that, he justified his responsibility +as one of the largest shareholders in the Grand Otello Company, +Limited. All things considered, and the last best thing being +invariably quite the best, _Otello, or Symphonies in Black and White_, +is about the biggest success of the season. + + + * * * * * + +TO AMANDA. + +[Illustration] + +(_ACCOMPANYING A SET OF VERSES WHICH SHE BADE ME WRITE._) + + Only a trifle, though, i' faith, 'tis smart, + A _jeu d'esprit_, not art concealing art, + Fruition of a moment's fantasy, + Mere mental bubbles, verbal filagree. + + But, though thy lightest wish I would not thwart, + I prithee bid me play some other part + Another time, and I will give thee _carte + Blanche_ to dictate; in truth aught else will be + Only a trifle, + Compared with versifying. I will dart, + At thy behest, e'en to the public mart + To buy a bonnet, or will gleefully + Carry a babe through Bond Street. My sole plea + Is--no more verses. Surely 'tis, sweetheart, + Only a trifle. + + * * * * * + +SUPPLEMENTARY AND CORRECTIVE.--In his Jubilee Number Mr. PUNCH +remarked, "Merely to mention _all_ the bright pens and pencils which +have occasionally contributed to my pages would occupy much space." +And space then was limited. But among the "Great Unnamed" _should_ +assuredly have been mentioned W.H. WILLS, one of the originators of +Mr. PUNCH's publication, CLEMENT SCOTT the flowing lyrist, and author +of "The Cry of the Children," &c., ASHBY STERRY of "Lazy Minstrel" +fame, and "ROBERT," the genial garrulous "City Waiter," whilst the +names of J.P. ("Dumb-Crambo") ATKINSON, and E.J. WHEELER, were omitted +by the purest accident. The late H.J. BYRON contributed a series +of papers. Mr. PUNCH hastens to put them--as he would gladly some +others--"on the list," since, of no one of them, could it be truly +said "he never would be missed." "HALBOT" was a misprint for "HABLÔT," +"MAGUIN HANNAY" should read "MAGINN, HANNAY, &c.," and for "_GEORGE_ +SILVER" read "HENRY." + + * * * * * + +THE METROPOLITAN MINOTAUR; + +OR, THE LONDON LABYRINTH AND THE COUNTY COUNCIL THESEUS. + + ["Certainly, if some members of the London County Council have + their way, it will soon have plenty to occupy it without + being called upon to form a scheme of water-supply for the + Metropolis."--_The Times_.] + +[Illustration] + +_L.C.C. loquitur_:-- + + Bless me! Things combine so a hero to humble! + I fancied that Bull-headed Minotaur--BUMBLE, + Would fall to my hand like Pasiphae's monster + To Theseus. But oh! every step that I on stir + Bemuddles me more. I _did_ think myself clever, + But fear from the Centre I'm farther than ever, + Oh, this _is_ a Labyrinth! Worse than the Cretan! + Yet shall the new Theseus admit himself beaten? + Forbid it, great Progress! Your votary I, Ma'am, + But in this Big Maze it seems small use to try, Ma'am. + Mere roundaboutation's not Progress. Get forward? + Why eastward, and westward and southward, and nor'ward, + Big barriers stop me! Eh? Centralisation? + Demolish that monster, Maladministration, + Whose menaces fright the fair tower-crowned Maiden. + Most willingly, Madam; but look how I'm laden, + And hampered! Oh! I should be grateful to you, Ma'am, + If, like Ariadne, you'd give me a clue, Ma'am. + _I_'ll never--like treacherous Theseus--desert you; + My constancy's staunch, like my valour and virtue. + Through Fire, Water, Wilderness trackless I'll follow, + But astray in a Maze high ambition seems hollow! + + * * * * * + +WATERLOO TO WEYBRIDGE. + +BY THE 6.5 P.M. + + A young man--it's no matter who-- + Hailed a cab and remarked "Waterloo!" + The driver, with bowed + Head, sobbed out aloud, + "Which station?" They frequently do. + + A poet once said that to Esher + The only good rhyme was "magnesher;" + This was not the fact, + And he had to retract, + Which he did--he retracted with plesher. + + A fancier cried: "There's one fault on + The part of the sparrows at Walton; + And that's why I fail + To put salt on their tail-- + The birds have no tails to put salt on." + + The dulness of riding to Weybridge + Pleasant chat (mind the accent) may _a_bridge, + But not when it deals + With detaching of wheels, + Collisions, explosions, and Tay Bridge. + + * * * * * + +THE STOLEN PICTURES.--The _Débats_ informed us, last week, that the +thief who stole TENIERS' pictures from the Museum at Rennes has been +discovered. His punishment should "fit the crime," as Mr. GILBERT's +_Mikado_ used to say, and therefore he ought to be sentenced to penal +servitude for _Ten years_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION. + +_Dick_ (_who hasn't sold a single Picture this year_). "AND AS FOR +THE BEASTLY BRITISH PUBLIC, NOTHING REALLY GOOD _EVER_ GOES DOWN WITH +IT--NOTHING BUT VULGAR ROT!" + +_Tom_ (_who has sold every Picture he has painted_). "OH, BOSH AND +GAMMON, MY DEAR FELLOW. GOOD HONEST WORK IS _ALWAYS_ SURE OF ITS +MARKET--AND ITS _PRICE_!" + +[_Next year their luck will be reversed, and also their opinions of +the B.P._] + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Wednesday, June 11th_.--Left Billsbury last Saturday, having in DICKY +DIKES's words "broken the back of the blooming canvas." During my +last night's round we went into a small house in one of the slums. The +husband was out, but the wife and family were all gathered together +in the back room. There were five children, ranging in age from ten +down to two, and the mother looked the very picture of slatternly +discomfort. We asked the usual questions, and I was just turning to +go, when I heard a violent fit of convulsive coughing from a dark +corner. The mother got up and went to the corner. I couldn't help +following, and saw the most miserable spectacle I ever set eyes on. In +a sort of cradle was lying the smallest, frailest and most absolutely +pinched and colourless baby choking with every cough, and gasping +horribly for breath. I don't know what I said, but the mother turned +to DIKES and said, "He haven't much longer to cough. I shall want the +undertakers for him soon." I asked her if nothing could be done, but +she merely replied, "It'll be better so. We've too many mouths to feed +without him." I couldn't stay longer after that, but fairly bolted out +of the house. + +Our people are jubilant about our prospects. The canvas shows, they +say, a steady increase in our favour, the registrations have been +uniformly good, and, best of all, Sir THOMAS CHUBSON again voted and +spoke on the wrong side, when the Billsbury Main Drainage Bill came on +for Second Reading in the House the other day. Our point is of course +that, if this scheme were carried out, there would be a great deal of +work for Billsbury labourers, and, somehow or other, a large amount +of money would be spent in the town. We have rubbed this well in at +every meeting we have held lately, and found it a most effective +point during the canvas. CHUBSON and the Radicals talk about a great +increase of the rates which would follow on it; but we pooh-pooh this, +and point out that the ultimate saving would be enormous, and that the +health of the town must be benefited. They don't like the business at +all, and feel they've made a mistake. + +Have been made on successive nights a Druid, a Forester, and a Loyal +and Ancient Shepherd. All these three are Benefit Societies, and the +mysteries of initiation into each are very similar. Colonel CHORKLE +(who ought to have gone through the business long ago) was made a +Druid with me. I never saw anybody so nervous. All the courage of +all the CHORKLES seemed to have deserted him, and he trembled like a +Volunteer aspen. I told Major WORBOYS on the following day that his +Colonel, who I was sure might be trusted to face a hostile battery +without flinching, had been very nervous when he was made a Druid. +WORBOYS sneered, and said that he'd be willing to take his chance of +CHORKLE's facing the battery or not, if CHORKLE would only learn to +ride decently. "Give you my word of honour," said WORBOYS, "when the +General inspected us last year, CHORKLE's horse ran away with him +three times, and at last we had to march past without him. One of the +tamest horses in the world, too. My boy JACK rides it constantly." But +WORBOYS despises CHORKLE, and thinks he ought to command the regiment +himself. He spread it all over Billsbury that CHORKLE was found hiding +under a table when he was summoned to be initiated, and was dragged +out screaming piteously for mercy. + +On my last morning I was interviewed by a deputation from the +Billsbury Branch of The Women's Suffrage League. The deputation +consisted of Mrs. BOSER, the President of the Branch, Miss AMY +GINGELL, the Secretary, and two others. It was a trying business. Mrs. +BOSER is the most formidable person I ever met. I felt like a babe +in her hands after she had glowered at me for five minutes. Finally +I found myself, rather to my own astonishment, promising to vote for +a Women's Suffrage Bill, and adding that Mrs. BOSER's arguments had +convinced me that justice had in this matter been too long denied to +women, and that for my part, if elected, I should lose no opportunity +of recording my vote on the side of women. They seemed pleased, +but the _Meteor_ of the next day had a frightful leader about the +"shameful want of moral fibre in a Conservative Candidate who was thus +content to put the whole Constitution into the melting-pot, if by so +doing he could only secure a few stray votes, and get the help of the +women in his coal-and-blanket expeditions." + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. I. + + SCENE--_An Excursion Agents' Offices. Behind the counters + polite and patient Clerks are besieged by a crowd of Intending + Tourists, all asking questions at once._ + +_First Int. T._ Here--have you made out that estimate for me yet? + +_Clerk_. In one moment, Sir. (_He refers to a list, turns over +innumerable books, jots down columns of francs, marks, and florins; +reduces them to English money, and adds them up._) First class fares +on the Rhine, Danube and Black Sea steamers, I think you said, second +class rail, and postwagen? + +_First Int. T._ I did say so, I believe; but it had better be second +class all through, and I can always pay the difference if I want to. + + [_The Clerk alters the sums accordingly, and adds up again._ + +_Clerk_. Fifty-five pounds fourteen and a penny, Sir. Shall I make you +put the tickets now? + +_First Int. T._ Um, no. On second thoughts, I'd like to see one of +your short Circular Tours for the English Lakes, or Wales, before I +decide. + + [_The Clerk hands him a quantity of leaflets, with which he + retires._ + + _Enter Mr. CLARENDON CULCHARD, age about twenty-eight; in + Somerset House; tall; clean-shaven, wears glasses, stoops + slightly, dresses carefully, though his tall hat is of the + last fashion but two. He looks about him expectantly, and then + sits down to wait._ + +_Culchard_ (_to himself_). No sign of him yet! I _do_ like a man to +keep an appointment. If this is the way he _begins_--I have my doubts +whether he is _quite_ the sort of fellow to--but I took the precaution +to ask HUGH ROSE about him, and ROSE said he was the best company in +the world, and I couldn't help getting on with him. I don't think +ROSE would deceive me. And from all I've seen of PODBURY, he seems +a pleasant fellow enough. What a Babel! All these people bent on +pleasure, going to seek it in as many directions--with what success no +one can predict. There's an idea for a sonnet there. + + [_He brings out a pocket-book, and begins to write--"As when + a--"_ + +_An Amurrcan Citizen_ (_to_ Clerk). See here, I've been around with +your tickets in Yurrup, and when I was at Vernis, I bought some goods +at a store there, and paid cash down for 'em, and they promised to +send 'em on for me right here, and that was last fall, and I've never +heard any more of 'em, and what I want _you_ should do now is to +instruct your representative at Vernis to go round and hev a talk with +that man, and ask him what in thunder he means by it, and kinder hint +that he'll hev the Amurrcan Consul in his hair pretty smart, if he +don't look slippier! + + [_The Clerk mildly suggests that it would be better to + communicate directly with the American Consulate, or with + the tradesman himself._ + +_The A.C._ But hold on--how'm I goin' to write to that sharp, +when I've lost his address, and disremember his name? Can't you +mail a few particulars to your agent, so he'll identify him? No. +(_Disappointed._) Well, I thought you'd ha' fixed up a little thing +like that, anyhow; in my country they'd ha' done it right away. Yes, +_Sir_! [_He goes away in grieved surprise._ + +_Enter Mr. JAMES PODBURY, age twenty-six; in a City Office; +short, fresh-coloured, jaunty; close-cut fair hair, and small auburn +moustache. Not having been to the City to-day, he is wearing light +tweeds, and brown boots._ + +_Podbury_ (_to himself_). Just nicked it!--(_looks at clock_)--more or +less. And he doesn't seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall +hit it off together. HUGHIE ROSE said he was a capital good chap--when +you once got over his manner. Anyhow, it's a great tip to go abroad +with a fellow who knows the ropes. (_Suddenly sees CULCHARD absorbed +in his note-book._) So _here_ you are, eh? + +_Culchard_ (_slightly scandalised by the tweeds and the brown boots_). +Yes, I've been here some little time. I wish you could have managed to +come before, because they close early here to-day, and I wanted to go +thoroughly over the tour I sketched out before getting the tickets. +[_He produces an elaborate outline._ + +_Podbury_ (_easily_). Oh, _that's_ all right! I don't care where _I_ +go! All I want is, to see as much as we can in the time--leave all the +rest to you. I'll sit here while you get the tickets. + +_An Old Lady_ (_to Clerk, as CULCHARD_) _is waiting at the counter_). +Oh, I _beg_ your pardon, but _could_ you inform me if the 1'55 train +from Calais to Basle stops long enough for refreshments anywhere, and +when they examine the luggage, and if I can leave my handbag in the +carriage, and whether there is an English service at Yodeldorf, and +is it held in the hotel, and Evangelical, or High Church, and are the +sittings free, and what Hymn-book they use? + + [_The Clerk sets her mind free on as many of these points as + he can, and then attends to CULCHARD._ + +_Culchard_ (_returning to PODBURY with two cases bulging with books +of coloured coupons_). Here are yours. I should like you to run your +eye over them, and see that they are correct, if you don't mind. + +_Podbury_ (_stuffing them in his pocket_). Can't be bothered now. Take +your word for it. + +[Illustration: Yes, Sir!] + +_Culchard_. No--but considering that we start the first thing +to-morrow morning, wouldn't it be as well to have some idea of where +you're going? And, by the way, excuse me, but is it altogether prudent +to keep your tickets in an outside pocket like that? I always keep +mine, with my money, in a special case in an inner pocket, with a +buttoned nap--then I know I _can't_ lose them. + +_Podbury_. Anything for a quiet life! (_He examines his coupons._) +Dover to Ostend? Never been there--like to see what Ostend's like. But +why didn't you go by Calais?--_shorter_ you know. + +_Culchard_. Because I thought we'd see Bruges and Ghent on our way to +Brussels. + +_Podbury_. Bruges, eh? Capital! Anything particular going on there? +No? It don't matter. And Ghent--let's see, wasn't that where they +brought the good news to? Yes, we'll stop at Ghent--if we've time. +Then--Brussels? Good deal of work to be done there, I suppose, +sightseeing, and that? I like a place where you can moon about without +being bothered myself; now, at _Brussels_--never mind, I was only +thinking. + +_Culch._ It's the best place to get to Cologne and up the Rhine from. +Then, you see, we go rather out of our way to Nuremberg-- + +_Podbury_. Where they make toys? _I_ know--pretty festive there, eh? + +_Culch._ I don't know about festive--but it is--er--a quaint, +and highly interesting old place. Then I thought we'd dip down to +Constance, and strike across the Alps to the Italian Lakes. + +_Podbury_. Italian Lakes? First--rate! Yes, _they_'re worth seeing, I +suppose. Think they're better than the _Swiss_ ones, though? + +_Culch._ (_tolerantly_). I can get the coupons changed for +Switzerland, if you prefer it. The Swiss Lakes may be the more +picturesque. + +_Podbury_. Yes, we'll do Switzerland--and run back by Paris, eh? Not +much to do in Switzerland, though, after all! + +_Culch._ (_with a faintly superior smile_). There are one or two +mountains, I believe. But, personally, I should prefer Italy. + +_Podbury_. So should I. No fun in mountains--unless you go up 'em. +What do you think of choosing some quiet place, where nobody ever +goes--say in France or Germany--and, sticking to _that_. More of a +rest, wouldn't it be? such a bore having to know a lot; of people! + +_Culch._ I don't see how we can change _all_ the tickets, really. If +you like, we could stop a week at St. Goarshausen. + +_Podbury_. What's St. Goarshausen like--cheery? + +_Culch._ I understood the idea was to keep away from our fellow +countrymen, and as far as I can remember St. Goarshausen, it is not +overrun with tourists--we should be quiet enough _there_. + +_Podbury_. That's the place for _me_, then. Or could we push on to +Vienna? Never seen Vienna. + +_Culch._ If you like to give up Italy altogether. + +_Podbury_. What do you say to _beginning_ with Italy and working back? +Too hot, eh? Well, then, we'll let things be as they are--I daresay it +will do well enough. So _that's_ settled! + +_Culchard_ (_to himself on parting, after final arrangements +concluded_). I wish ROSE had warned me that PODBURY's habit of mind +was so painfully desultory. (_He sighs._) However-- + +_Podbury_ (_to himself_). Wonder now long I shall take to get over +CULCHARD's manner. (_He sighs._) I wish old HUGHIE was coming--he'd +give me a leg over! + + [_He walks on thoughtfully._ + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHERLAND. + +(_BY OUR OWN GRANDOLPH._) + +[Illustration: "Put out the light, and then--" Being the true story of +The Wonderful Lamp.] + +I pause in my communications. Friends, real friends, have wired +over accounts of me on the trip, which have not been written by +"friendlies." Somebody wrote to _Black and White_ what purported to +be Notes about me aboard the gallant _Grantully Castle_, than which +a better-found vessel--"found" is the word--never put to sea. This +somebody ("bless him!"--DR-MM-ND W-LFF will know what I mean) observes +that "he didn't notice" any particular gratitude on my part towards +Captain HAY and his talented assistants. Hay! what? why, confound +them, I was all gratitude! Is it because I did not run at him, embrace +him, and shake his arms off, that therefore I did not _feel_ grateful! +I was awfully grateful. I felt inclined to alter the name of the +vessel to the _Gratefully_ _Castle_. But "she" (you always call a +vessel "she"--isn't that nautical?) "is" as the song says "another's, +and never can be mine!" so I can't change her name. I was overpowered +by my feelings--and what does that mean but the swallowing, with a +gurgle in the throat, of the silent tear, and the avoidance of the +topic uppermost in one's mind at the moment. + +"The soldier leant upon his sword, and wiped away a tear"--but the +sailor didn't, _Verb. sap._ What did I do? Why, in my note of notes, +my Private Diary, I made this mem., "_Make Hay while the sun shines._" +Now what, I ask any unprejudiced person, what does this mean? If +Captain HAY were suddenly to be promoted in the hay-day of his +valuable career to be an Admiral, would he suspect that he owed this +elevation to the man who, strictly obeying the ship's orders, _never +even spoke to the man at the wheel_? Now to come to the next point. +This correspondent girds at my having had a special cabin and a +special steward. _Why!_ the envious grumbler! if he had been as +specially unwell as I was--but there, I own I lose patience with +him--didn't I go out as a "Special," and if a Special doesn't have +everything special about him, _he is simply obtaining money under +false pretences_. I've a great mind--I hear the jeerer snigger in his +sleeve--but I repeat emphatically I have a great mind to come back. +"He will return, I know him well," my traducers may sing; and I +shall return when I consider my special work specially done in my own +special manner, and be blowed to em all, the detractors! + +[Illustration: Grandolph confiding to the _Chef_ his secret receipt +for cooking a flying-fish.] + +He grumbles because I had _a special portable light_ all to myself, +"when I wanted to play cards." Aha! do we see the cloven hoof now? +Was I to play cards _in the dark_? Those who know me best know that I +am all fair and above-board, and no hole-and-corner gambling for me. +And what tale has he to tell? Why that "_Another night, not using his +special light at the time, two other passengers began a game of chess +under its rays._" Which they had no right whatever to do. But I winked +at it, and when the first officer was coming his rounds I winked +at _them_; but this friendly act on my part they did not heed, and +consequently _to save them from being put in irons_ and confined in +the deepest dungeon beneath the _Grantully Castle_ moat, I "_came +along just then_," as he reports, "_and removed the lamp to another +part of the deck, leaving the chess-players in the dark_"--as if this +consequence were anything extraordinary when a lamp is removed! Why +any schoolboy, the merest tyro in Scripture History, knows where the +great Hebrew Lawgiver was _when the candle went out_. And were these +passengers to be exempt from the action of Nature's ordinary laws! +Bah!--"_without a word of apology or explanation_." I _had_ winked, +but they were worse than blind horses, and more resembled the +inferior quadruped in obstinately refusing to move, or in subsequently +acknowledging this act of thoughtful kindness on my part. + +As to my eating for breakfast a flying-fish, which somebody on board +had caught and given me, all I ask is, _why shouldn't I?_ I never had +eaten a flying-fish before, and I don't think I ever shall again. If +the gentleman who caught it didn't want me to eat it, he should have +said so: for there were three courses open to him; viz., _first_, to +refuse to give it me; _secondly_, to give it me on condition that I +kept it in memory of the occasion; _thirdly_, to throw it back into +the sea. But there was only one course open to _me_ when I got it, +and that was the first course at breakfast; the second course was +kidgeree. It was a small fish _just enough for one_, and now I rather +fancy I remember this _Black and White_ correspondent, for it must +have been he, coming to my table, eyeing the fish, smacking his lips, +and observing that _he_ "had never had the chance of tasting a fried +flying-fish." At that moment I was just finishing the tail (a sweet +morsel and not the worst part by any means), and there was nothing +left to offer him. So he went away disappointed, with a grudge against +yours truly. This, Sir, is the true tale of the flying-fish, and +if it isn't, let me hear the revised version from my aspersers and +caluminators. I can write no more to-day. I am boiling over, and must +go and kick somebody. Yours, &c., + +[Illustration: Grandolph the Explorer.] + + * * * * * + +HANWELLIAN PRIZE COMPETITION. + +_CONDITIONS._ + +1. Entrance fee, to defray cost of postage, &c., two guineas. + +2. All communications to be written illegibly, and on both sides of +the paper only--not on the edges. + +3. The Committee do not bind themselves to accept the lowest or any +tender; or to start at the time advertised in the Company's tables; or +to be in any way responsible for their own actions. + +4. Competitors will be prosecuted. + +5. A prize of one shilling will be awarded to all competitors who +fail; the winners will be able to make their way in life without +prizes. + +6. Human beings and others are not eligible for this competition. + +Subject to the above conditions, it is requested that puzzles or +questions may be forwarded to the following solutions:-- + +_First Solution_.--Twenty-eight, if before March 17th; one hundred and +forty-six, if after that date. + +_Second Solution_.--Put six pigs in the first stye; then go back and +fetch the fox from the other side of the river, returning with the +remaining cockatrice. Then put yourself in the second stye, never come +put any more, and subtract. + +_Third Solution_.--Positive, Regret; Comparative, Regatta; +Superlative, _Requiescat in pace_. + +_Fourth Solution_.--Countesses; because the sun (son) never sets +there. + +_Fifth Solution_.--Cut along dotted line to point A. Then fold back, +and cross to point C, keeping mark B on the left. Stop, if you can, +before getting to remark D. Bad language never does any good. + +_Sixth Solution_.--This is a mere catch, and only suitable for quite +young children. Of course, it is obvious that the elephant could not +have been on the outside, because there never _are_ two Mondays in the +week. Hush! the Bogie Man. _Exit._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RATHER LATE IN THE DAY, PERHAPS! + +"OH, GRANDPAPA DEAR, SUCH FUN! THE FORTUNE-TELLER'S COME! _DO_ COME +AND HAVE YOUR FORTUNE TOLD!"] + + * * * * * + +JEAMES'S SUMMARY. + +_OR, LE MONDE OÙ L'ON S'ENNUIE._ + + ["Now that the pageantry and the social stir evoked by the + presence of the Imperial guests are over, there are few who + will care to prolong the dreary and disappointing existence + either of the Season or of the Session."--_The Times_.] + +_Jeames loquitur_:-- + + _Ya-a-a-w!_ Yes, young man, you've 'it it there, penny-a-liner as + you may be, + And knowing, probably, no more about _hus_ than a coster's baby; + But dull it 'as been, and no kid, and dreary, too, and disappinting; + Is it this Sosherlistic rot Society is so disjinting, + The Hinfluenza, or Hard Times, them Hirish, or wotever _is_ it? + _I_ couldn't 'ave 'eld on at all, I'm sure, but for the HEMP'ROR's visit. + _Ya-a-a-w!_ 'Ang it, 'ow I've got the gapes! Bring us a quencher, you + young Buttons! + And mind it's cool, and with a 'ed! _Hour_ family is reg'lar gluttons + For "Soshal Stir." The guv'nor, he's a rising Tory M.P., he is. + And Missis all the Season through as busy as a bloomin' bee is, + A gathering Fashion's honey up from every hopening flower. _That's_ + natty. + I _'ave_ a turn for poetry; you're quite right there, my pretty PATTY. + Lor! 'ow that gal admires these carves! But that's "irrevelant," as + the sayin' is; + Master and Missis both complain 'ow dull and slow the game they're + playin' is. + The Session? Yah! Give me the days, the dear old days of darling DIZZY! + With him and GLADSTONE on the job a chap _could_ say "Now we are busy." + But SMITH's a slug, 'ARCOURT's a hum, and LABBY makes a chap go squirmish. + Dull as ditchwater the whole thing. One longs e'en for a Hirish skirmish; + But PARNELL's _fo par_, and his spite, 'ave knocked the sparkle out + of PADDY. + No; Parlyment's a played-out fraud, flabby and footy, flat and faddy. + The Season's similar. Season? Bah? By sech a name it ain't worth + calling. + Shoulders like these and carves like those was not _quite_ made for + pantry-sprawling; + But wot's the use? Trot myself hout for 'Ebrews, or some tuppenny + kernel? + No, not for JEAMES, if he is quite aweer of it! It's just infernal, + The Vulgar Mix that calls itself Society. All shoddy slyness, + And moneybags; a "blend" as might kontamernate a Ryal 'Igness, + Or infry-dig a Hemperor. It won't nick JEAMES though, not percisely; + Better to flop in solitude than to demean one's self unwisely. + Won't ketch _me_ selling myself off. I must confess my 'art it 'arrers + To see the Strorberry-Leaves go cheap--like strorberries on low coster's + barrers! + Tuppence a pound! Yes, that's the cry. It's _cheapness_, that Rad fad, + that's done it. + Prime fruit _ought_ to be scarce and dear, picked careful, and _kept in + the punnet_. + The same with _all_ chice things I 'old, whether 'tis footmen's carves + or peerages; + But fools forget that good old rule in this yer queerest of all queer + ages. + Trade bad, things in the City tight, no Court worth mentioning, queer + scandals, + Socierty inwaded by a lot of jumped-up Goths and Wandals; + Swell-matches few, gurls' chances poor, late Spring, and lots o' sloppy + weather, + With that there Hinfluenza--wich perhaps is wus than all together-- + All over the dashed shop! When was a Season sech a sell as this is? + Wot wonder that it aggeravates us all, pertikler Me and Missis? + Ah! But for our "Himperial Guests" the _Times_' young man names with sech + feeling, + I don't know wot I _should_ 'ave done. A dismal dulness seems a-stealing + Afore its time o'er every think; and now Our Guests's gone wot reason, + As the _Times_ sez, for trying to perlong the Session or the Season? + _Ya-a-a-w!_ I shall gape my 'ed off 'ere. The Row's a bore, the 'Ouse a + fetter. + And now the HEMP'ROR's slung 'is 'ook, the sooner _we_ are horf the better! + + * * * * * + +A LUSUS NATURÆ.--A paragraph in the _P.M.G._, the other day, was +headed, "A Lion Loose in a Circus." Bad enough. But a still more +extraordinary incident would have been _A Lion "tight" in a Circus_. + + * * * * * + +MR. CHAUNCY DEPEW, the well-known American barrister, _raconteur_, and +wit, is on his way to England. His visit is on business; probably to +head a Depewtation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JEAMES'S SUMMARY. + +JEAMES. "DULL SESSION! DULL SEASON!--THINGS BAD IN THE +CITY!--HINFLUENZA ALL HOVER THE SHOP; AND, NOW THE HEMP'ROR'S GONE, +THE SOONER _WE'RE_ HORF THE BETTER!!"] + + * * * * * + +A NEW ELECTION "LAY." + + Oh, young Mrs. BRAND has gone down to the East! + To give the Electors a musical feast, + And save her fine treble she weapons has none; + Yet she means with that voice that the seat shall be won. + So good at a lay, at a ballad so grand, + There never was dame like the young Mrs. BRAND! + + All boldly she's entered the Cambridgeshire halls, + 'Mid the squires, and the parsons, the farmers, and thralls! + Said DUNCAN, the foeman, "My friends, on my word, + Of a stranger proceeding I never have heard. + I don't wish to be rude, but I _can't_ understand + What you mean by this singing, oh young Mrs. BRAND!" + + "You need not suspect me," the lady replied; + "I care not how flows the electoral tide, + I merely have come down to Wisbech to-day + To sing a few stanzas, trill one little lay. + I am tired of long speeches, Home-Rule I can't stand, + But I _do_ enjoy singing"--quoth young Mrs. BRAND. + + So lovely her voice, so bewitching her grace, + Such a treat--or such treating:--did never take place. + While the Primrose Dames fretted, the Unionists fumed, + She merely the thread of her roundel resumed; + And the Duncanites whispered--"'Tis most underhand! + We must send for a songstress to match Mrs. BRAND." + + A change in her theme! She has altered the bar + To _Kathleen Mavourneen_ and _Erin-go-bragh!_ + Spell-bound stand the rustics; she's won the whole throng! + To the lady they've given their votes "for a song." + "'Twill be ours, will the seat--'tis the plot I have planned! + Oh, Music hath charms!"--exclaimed young Mrs. BRAND. + + There is mourning mid folk of the Wire-pulling Clan; + Agents, Managers, Chairmen, are wild to a man, + For the Cambridgeshire precedent means that their calling + Has passed to the ladies excelling in--squalling! + "Free teaching" has come, and "Free Music"'s at hand; + Which we owe to the courage of young Mrs. BRAND. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT." + +(_As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone._)] + + * * * * * + +SMOKED OFF! + +(_AN APPEAL FROM THE KNIFE-BOARD OF A CITY OMNIBUS._) + + [The latest complaint of "the Ladies" is that they are being + "smoked off" the tops of the omnibuses.] + +[Illustration] + + The "knife-board," sacred once to broad male feet, + The "Happy Garden Seat," + Invaded now by the non-smoking sex, + Virginal scruples vex, + And matronly anathemas assail. + Alas! and what avail + Man's immunities of time or place? + The sweet she-creatures chase + From all old coigns of vantage harried man. + In vain, how vain to ban + Beauty from billiard-room or--Morning Bus + What use to fume or fuss? + And yet, and yet indeed it is no joke! + Where _shall_ one get a smoke + Without annoying Shes with our cheroots, + And being badged as "brutes"? + If a poor fellow may not snatch a whiff + (Without the feminine sniff) + Upon the "Bus-roof," where in thunder's name + _Shall_ he draw that same! + The ladies, climb, sit, suffocate, and scoff, + Declare _they_ are "smoked off," + Is there no room inside? If smoke means Hades, + We, "to oblige the ladies," + Have taken outside seats this many a year, + Cold, but with weeds to cheer + Our macintosh-enswathed umbrella'd bodies; + Now we are called churl-noddies + Because we puff the humble briar-root. + Is man indeed a "brute" + Because he may upon the knife-board's rack owe + Some solace to Tobacco? + If so it be, then man's last, only chance, + Is in the full advance + Of the "emancipated" sex. Sweet elves, + _Pray learn to smoke yourselves!_ + Don't crowd us out, don't snub, and sneer, and sniff, + But--join us in a whiff! + + * * * * * + +A SHILLING IN THE POUND WISE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As the School Board rate has already touched a +shilling, and seems likely to go even higher, why should not some of +our money be expended in teaching the young idea of the lower classes +how to develop into more valuable citizens than they seem likely to +become under present conditions? To carry out this idea, I jot down a +few questions to be put to a School-Board scholar before the granting +of the customary certificates:-- + +1. Describe the formation of a Regiment, and explain its position and +duties in Brigade. + +2. What are the duties of a Special Constable? + +3. How would you set about putting horses into a fire-engine? + +4. Describe the process of resuscitating a person apparently drowned. +How would you revive a person rendered insensible by (1) cold, (2) by +sunstroke. + +5. Give simple remedies to be applied at once in case of bites by a +mad dog, accidental poisoning by arsenic, and swallowing of spurious +coin. + +6. How would you set, (1) a leg, (2) an arm, (3) a broken finger? If a +man is run over by a Hansom, what should you do? Describe an excellent +substitute for a litter, when you can obtain nothing better. + +7. State shortly what you consider your duty would be, (1) were the +country invaded, (2) were London in the hands of the mob, (3) were +your neighbourhood visited by fire, and decimated by the plague. + +There, _Mr. Punch_, if every School-Board scholar could supply +satisfactory answers to the above questions, I would not grudge +my shilling in the pound--nay, possibly look with equanimity on +eighteenpence!--Yours, cordially, + +ONE WHO IS SCHOOL-BORED. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CRICKET AT LORD'S. THE LUNCHEON-TIME. + +(_By Our Special Instantaneous Photographic Caricaturist._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "URBI ET ORBI." + +MR. PUNCH RETURNS HIS BEST THANKS TO ALL AND SINGULAR, THE PUBLIC AND +THE PRESS, FOR THE ENTHUSIASTIC RECEPTION WITH WHICH THE TOAST OF HIS +JUBILEE, EVERYWHERE AND BY EVERYBODY, HAS BEEN RECEIVED. TO EVERYONE +HEALTH AND HAPPINESS, PEACE AND PROSPERITY. + +PUNCH.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July_ 13. Emperor WILLIAM leaves to-day +having taken affectionate farewell of Grandmamma. On the whole been +most successful visit. Weather a little Frenchy in its tendency, +but not all rain and thunder. If things could only have been kept +comfortable to last moment there need have been nothing to mar success +of event. Unfortunately, TANNER's active brain discovered opportunity +of casting a stone at head of departing EMPEROR. Looking in at +Charing Cross Telegraph Office, intending to send sixpenny-worth +of genial remark to his late esteemed Leader PARNELL on result of +Carlow election, TANNER observed "Gutknecht" on shaft of lead pencil +gratuitously provided. Much puzzled at this; thought at first it was +RAIKES's way of spelling good night; found on inquiry it was German. + +TANNER's patriotic bosom filled with storm of indignation. "What!" +he cried, apostrophising the absent RAIKES, "at a time when trade is +declining, Ireland is unhappy, strikes are rampant, and human misery +seems to have reached its bitterest point, at such a time it might be +hoped you would have given up your days and nights to ameliorating +the common lot, instead of which you go about importing lead pencils +made in Germany, and so taking the very bread out of the mouth of the +British Workman." + +Might have asked question on subject a week ago when he made +discovery; adroitly put it down for to-night; and so whilst Emperor +WILLIAM was taking leave of Grandmamma in the stately halls of +Windsor, TANNER was flinging a lead pencil at his retreating figure, +stabbing him, so to speak, in the Imperial back with a commercial +product retailed at the inconsiderable price of twopence-halfpenny a +dozen. + +With some sense of relief House got into Committee of Supply. Various +questions brought up on Colonial Vote. P. and O. SUTHERLAND championed +claims of Singapore for deliverance from arbitrary conduct of +Government in levying military contributions. Doesn't often take +part in Debate; showed to-night that abstention is not due to lack of +debating faculty. Set forth case of his clients in clear business-like +speech, which commanded attention of audience, for whom topic itself +not particularly attractive. + +[Illustration: "A Bad Sixpence."] + +"SUTHERLAND," said the Member for Sark, one of his most attentive +listeners, "has introduced a new element into Parliamentary oratory. +His intercurrent cough is the most remarkable adjunct to oratory I +ever heard. Suppose the fact is, when he pauses, he is thinking over +the next word, or surveying for a new line of argument. Other men +would consult their notes. P. and O. indulges in a kind of clearing +of his throat, a compromise between a cough and an articulate +remark--commanding, conciliatory, threatening, beseeching, or +convincing, according as the exigencies of the moment require. As a +work of art, the only contemporary thing equal to it that I know, and +that, of course, in quite a different way, is some of the bye-play of +the old gentleman in _L'Enfant Prodigue_." + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday_.--Met CHAPLIN just now, striding along corridor, mopping his +statesmanlike brow with a bandana that would, on emergency, serve as +foresail for one of the cattle-carrying steamers just now troubling +the Minister for Agriculture. + +"Anything gone wrong?" I asked, for it was impossible to be blind to +his evident trepidation. + +"No, dear boy, it's all right as it turns out, but it might have +been otherwise. What do you think? LABBY's positively been moving the +reduction of the Vote by the amount of my salary! Shouldn't have been +surprised if some Member had got up, and, in neat speech, dilating +on the enormous forward strides made by the Empire since Ministry +of Agriculture was created, moved to double my screw. But to go and +propose to dock it altogether at the end of the first year is, if I +may say so, not encouraging." + +"Oh," I said, "you mustn't mind SAGE of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE; his bark is +worse than his bite." + +"Yes, I know," said CHAPLIN; "but I should be obliged to him if he'd +bark at someone else's heels. Not, mind you, that I care so much +about the money question. Between you and me (though don't let it go +further, or they might be holding me to my bargain), I would rather +pay £2000 a year than not have a seat on the Treasury Bench in charge +of a department. You've never tasted the delight of standing up in +a full House and reading out answer to a question, whilst all the +world hangs on your lips. Nor have you ever drunk the deep delight of +explaining a Bill, or replying on behalf of HER MAJESTY's Government +to an Amendment. The joy is all the greater to me, since it is newly +acquired. For years I sat below the Gangway, striving to catch the +SPEAKER's eye in competition with the herd, and when I succeeded +Members either howled at me or left the House. Now I speak without +waiting for the SPEAKER's call, and the House listens attentively to +the utterances of the Minister for Agriculture. That's better than +salary paid quarterly: worth paying for as I say. Still it's not +pleasant to have LABBY seriously proposing to stop your wages. Wish +he'd try it on someone else. There's PLUNKET for example; must put him +up in that quarter." + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +[Illustration: A Salmon Fisher.] + +_Thursday_.--A long dull night varied by occasional squalls. An +immense relief to Hon. Members, after sitting through an hour +discussing Alienation of Crown Rights in Salmon Fishing in Scotland, +on which CALDWELL delivers discourse, to have opportunity of +exercising their lungs. MORTON a benefactor in this respect. As soon +as ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS is discovered on his feet there goes forth a +howl that shakes the building. To-night rather awkward circumstance +followed. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rising for the eighth time, Members broke +forth into agonised howl that lasted several minutes. Was stopped +by sudden commotion at the Bar. Engineer PRIM rushed wildly in, +gesticulating towards the astonished Chair, and disappeared. A body of +workmen appearing mysteriously from depths beneath House, tumultuously +crossed the doorway, and also vanished. Presently news came that flood +of water was raging down staircase; gradually truth got at; a large +water-main had burst in Upper Committee Corridor; cracked at startling +sound of outburst upon ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS's re-appearance. + +"This is all very well," said PLUNKET. "I am myself no enthusiastic +admirer of MORTON's Parliamentary eloquence. Still, as First +Commissioner of Works, I feel this thing must be discouraged. Must +draw the line somewhere. Can't have our water-mains bursting with +vicarious indignation because MORTON would speak eight times in +Committee of Supply." + +_Business done_.--Committee of Supply. + +_Friday_.--In Lords to-night, STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, L.C.C., gave fresh +advertisement to CALDERON's picture, "_St. Elizabeth of Hungary._" +Not a pleasant subject, from any point of view, artistic or moral. +Everybody but well-meaning people like STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, glad to +drop it. He brings it forward at this late day; tries to make the +MARKISS responsible for whole business. The MARKISS protests that +STANLEY has had the advantage of him; hasn't even seen the picture. +"The only idea I have been able to form of it," he said to delighted +House, "is derived from a picture in _Punch_, in which _ZÆO_ is +showing her back to the Members of the County Council." Lords don't +often indulge in hearty laughter; this too much for them, and STANLEY +OF ALDERLEY temporarily extinguished, amid almost uproarious mirth. + +_Business done_.--Supply in Commons. + + * * * * * + +HIT AND MISS. + + [At Bisley, Miss LEALE, of Guernsey, has shot with + considerable success. Miss LEALE, though only nineteen years + old, is a shooting member of the National Rifle Association, + and has won several prizes at the meetings of the Guernsey + Rifle Association.] + + The Whirligig of Time! Its latest turn see + In this phenomenon who hails from Guernsey. + We've often met, at pic-nics or at dances, + Young ladies who were good at shooting--glances! + And glances that, alas! have often filled us + With tender feelings, if they have not killed us. + We've met fair maidens, who have found it pleasant + To tramp the moors for grouse, or shoot at pheasant; + Of some indeed who've had a go at grisly; + But never--until now--of one at Bisley. + Yet there she is, and whilst her sisters, sitting + At home, may spend their leisure time in knitting, + _She_ sits and shoots, nor does she very far get + From where she aims, the centre of the target. + Take off your hats to her as now we name her,--Miss + LEALE, of Guernsey! Gladly we acclaim her + For Womankind (triumphant in the Schools) high + Renown henceforth will look for in the bull's-eye, + And, tired of tennis, having quite with thimble done, + Will strive for laurels at the Modern Wimbledon! + + * * * * * + +MONTI THE MATADOR. + +(_ORIGINALLY INTENDED FOR THE F-RTN-GHTLY R-V-W._) + +"Yes, I'm better, and the Doctor tells me I've escaped once more. +That Doctor hates you--I know it. He has saved me--to tell you the +story--The story _I_ have been trying to tell to some one for thirty +years." + +I was talking to Old MONTI, whose full name was MONTI DI PIETA--as a +pledge of his respectability. He was a descendant of the Pornbrocheros +del Treballos d'Oro. He was subsequently called Monkey--as a tribute +to his character. + +"I should like you to tell me," I said, "for you must know that for +years I have seen the snows on the Lagartigo, and the moonlight on +the--" + +"Stop!" he cried--"you are going to begin padding. That will do for a +magazine, not for me!" and he snapped his fingers at me. + +But I was not to be put off. He was weak--a cripple--and I gave him +the choice of listening to a personally-conducted tour in the South of +Spain, or relating his adventures. + +"I will have my revenge!" he muttered. "You shall hear my life from +the beginning. You must know, then, that sixty years ago I was born, +and--" + +"Yes," I returned, interrupting him--"of poor parents. Your father +was coarse, your mother pious. You learned all you could about bulls, +which you kept from your father, and you were ultimately engaged as a +bull-fighter--" + +"Stop, stop!" he cried. "If you cut out about a dozen pages of my +biography, at least let me explain how I saved my father. You must +know--" + +"I will do it for you in a line," I said, sharply. "Your father lost +his temper, and tried bullying the bull (no joke), and you winked +at the animal. He knew you, and stood still. The bull went for your +father--you for the bull. Drive on!" + +"Let me tell you then, how I prepared myself for the Ring by +practising on a dummy bull.--I had no difficulty in sticking pins into +it--it was quite calm. Then I tried the same game on a sheep, and +got knocked down for my pains! One of my monkey tricks! Then I got +acquainted with some Irish bulls, and letting them off on my friends +got several thumps on the head." + +"No," I interrupted him sternly, "get on with your story." + +"Well, at length I met JUAN at the beginning of May." + +"Make it first of April," I said, severely. + +"He was the Toreador out of _Carmen_, to put it shortly," he +continued, not deigning to notice my interruption--"and he introduced +me to the bull-fight. Of course I had to pay my footing (a very +uncertain one) in _duros_, or hard cash. Then every morning I ate a +_chuto_ (a sort of small cabbage) at my dinner--then they tried me as +a _capa_, to test (so they said) my capability. The chief patron was +the Duke of MEDICINA, who in early youth had been a doctor--hence his +title--and I shall never forget his first greeting." + +"Your story!" I interrupted, sternly, finding that the old man was +once more becoming tedious. + +"I returned," replied the dotard, with a senile chuckle, "that he was +wrong. His answer was beyond my meaning--he muttered something about +'mutton and _capa_ sauce.' I was engaged," continued the dotard, with +a feeble grin, "as a _capa_ for seventy years certain, with an annual +benefit once in four years, with a salary of forty-two thousand a +year--which in those days seemed to me to be a small fortune." + +[Illustration: "They made an Idol of me."] + +"They are wretchedly paid in Spain," I observed. + +"They are," he acquiesced. "I was paid a week in advance, and have +lived upon the proceeds ever since. And now my life was indeed a merry +one. I was free of the Ring. Now I played the cornet in the _Brassos +Banderillos_, and my performance pleased the _aficionados_ (or +advertising agents) so well, that my name was known throughout the +Peninsula." + +"Well," once more I interrupted, "I suppose you met a Spanish beauty, +fell in love with her, and was cut out by a party of the name of +JUAN?" + +"However do you think of such clever things?" asked the old man, in a +tone of extreme astonishment. "But you are right. I placed CLEMENCIA +one day in the _pal co_ (or part reserved for friends), and the bull +tossed me. Ah, she trampled upon me--treated me like a mat. But I +loved her and adored myself. Hence I was called a 'Mat-Adorer.' I +repeat, the bull tossed me, and I did not come down heads." + +"Go on." + +"I was ill, and neglected, but soon recovered sufficiently to kill +sixty-six bulls in succession." + +"Surely you are exaggerating?" + +"You are perfectly right," he answered, with a blush. "I killed +sixty-five--the sixty-sixth was only mortally wounded. And now the +people made an idol of me. I was absolutely worshipped"-- + +"Come to the point," I said, in a tone that showed I was not to be +trifled with. + +"No _that_ was the fate of JUAN. At the end of a game of _toros_ +(which is Spanish for marbles) he said to me (in excellent Spanish), +'MONTI, me bhoy, philaloo! ye will shtay by me?' 'That will I--as +shure as me name is TIM--I should say MONTI,' I responded, in choice +Castilian. The bull came up, I looked him in the eye, raised my +_shillalo_ (a short Spanish club), and, crying 'Whist!' he cut for +partners. JUAN was cut a deal." + +"That bull was a ripper," I murmured. + +"Bedad he was that, Sorr," returned the dotard, whose Spanish became +more and more Castilian every moment. "CLEMENICA died the next +morning. But I am remorseful--that I did not kill her myself. And +now I have had my revenge! I have told ye the story! I know you--your +name's H-A-R-"-- + +He gave a gasp and died. + +But I too had _my_ revenge. I sent the tale I had just heard to the +_F-rtn-ghtly R-v-w_. + +M.F.H. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, July 25, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13465 *** diff --git a/13465-h/13465-h.htm b/13465-h/13465-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..557b082 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/13465-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1812 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, July 25, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13465 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 25, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page37" + id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:48%;"> + <a href="images/37-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37-1.png" + alt="Amonasro, Aïda, and Radames." /></a> + + <p><i>Amonasro</i> (<i>the Black King</i>). "I am your + father. I've kept myself dark so long that I've become + quite black!"</p> + + <p><i>Aïda</i> (<i>the White Maiden</i>). "Oh! go away, + black man; don't come anigh me!! You ought to be + <i>Otello</i> to-morrow night."</p> + + <p><i>Little Ravelli-Radames</i> (<i>aside</i>). "No matter + what colour, I love her!!"</p><br /> + <a href="images/37-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37-2.png" + alt="Covent Garden Stars seen through the Harriscope." /> + </a>Covent Garden Stars seen through the Harriscope. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday, July 14</i>.—Madame NORDICA is not at her + best as <i>Aïda</i>. It lacks colour—that is on the face + and hands, where at least should be shown some more "colourable + pretence" for being the daughter of so blackened a character as + is her father <i>Amonasro</i>, played as a villain of the + deepest dye by M. DEVOYOD. When the celebrated march was heard, + the players didn't seem particularly strong in trumps, and the + trumpets giving a somewhat "uncertain sound,"—a trifle + husky, as if they'd caught cold,—somewhat marred the + usually thrilling effect. Gorgeous scene; and RAVELLI the + Reliable as <i>Radames</i> quite the success of the evening. + Mlle. GUERCIA as <i>Amneris</i> seemed to have made up after an + old steel plate in a bygone Book of Beauty. Where are those + Books of Beauty now! And <i>The Keepsake</i>? Where the + pseudo-Byronic poetry and the short stories by Mrs. NAMBY and + Mr. PAMBY? But this is only a marginal note, not in the + Operatic score. Signor ABRAMOFF was a powerful <i>Ramphis</i>, + his make-up suggesting that his title would be more + appropriately <i>Rumfiz</i>,—which would be an excellent + Egyptian name. Very good House, but still suffering from + reaction after Imperial visit, and not to recover itself till + to-morrow, <i>Wednesday</i>, when the House is crowded with a + brilliant audience to hear a brilliant performance of + <i>Otello. The Grand Otello Co. Covent Garden, Limited</i>. + Thoroughly artistic performance of <i>Iago</i> by M. MAUREL. + His wicked "Credo" more diabolically malicious than ever it was + at the Lyceum; an uncanny but distinctly striking effect. Then + DRURIOLANUS ASTRONOMICUS gave us a scenic startler in the way + of imitation meteoric effect. 'Twas on this wise: of course, + neither DRURIOLANUS nor any other Manager can carry on an + operatic season without stars, and so they are here, a galaxy + of 'em, up above, on the "back cloth," as it is technically + termed, shining brilliantly but spasmodically, strange portents + in the operatic sky. Pity Astronomer Royal not here to see and + note the fact. Next time <i>Otello</i> is given, if this + atmospheric effect is to be repeated, the attendants in the + lobbies might be permitted to supply powerful telescopes at a + small fixed charge. But the greatest star of all is Madame + ALBANI as <i>Desdemona</i>; a triumph dramatically and + operatically. Her song in the last Act, the celebrated + "<i>Willow Song</i>"—which of course no cricketer ought + to miss hearing—was most beautifully and touchingly + rendered. Those persons suffering from the heat of a crowded + house, and dreading the difficulty of finding their "keb or + kerridge" in good time, and who therefore quitted their seats + before ALBANI sang the "<i>Willow Song</i>," must, perforce, + sing the old refrain, "<i>O Willow, we have missed you!</i>" + and go back for it whenever this Opera is played again. M. JEAN + DE RESZKÉ was not, perhaps, quite up to his usual form, or his + usual former self; but, for all that, he justified his + responsibility as one of the largest shareholders in the Grand + Otello Company, Limited. All things considered, and the last + best thing being invariably quite the best, <i>Otello, or + Symphonies in Black and White</i>, is about the biggest success + of the season.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO AMANDA.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/37-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37-3.png" + alt="Amanda." /></a> + </div> + + <h4>(<i>Accompanying a Set of Verses which She bade me + write.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Only a trifle, though, i' faith, 'tis smart,</p> + + <p>A <i>jeu d'esprit</i>, not art concealing art,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fruition of a moment's fantasy,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mere mental bubbles, verbal filagree.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But, though thy lightest wish I would not + thwart,</p> + + <p>I prithee bid me play some other part</p> + + <p>Another time, and I will give thee <i>carte</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Blanche</i> to dictate; in truth aught + else will be</p> + + <p class="i10">Only a trifle,</p> + + <p>Compared with versifying. I will dart,</p> + + <p>At thy behest, e'en to the public mart</p> + + <p>To buy a bonnet, or will gleefully</p> + + <p>Carry a babe through Bond Street. My sole plea</p> + + <p>Is—no more verses. Surely 'tis, + sweetheart,</p> + + <p class="i10">Only a trifle.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SUPPLEMENTARY AND CORRECTIVE.—In his Jubilee Number + Mr. PUNCH remarked, "Merely to mention <i>all</i> the bright + pens and pencils which have occasionally contributed to my + pages would occupy much space." And space then was limited. But + among the "Great Unnamed" <i>should</i> assuredly have been + mentioned W.H. WILLS, one of the originators of Mr. PUNCH's + publication, CLEMENT SCOTT the flowing lyrist, and author of + "The Cry of the Children," &c., ASHBY STERRY of "Lazy + Minstrel" fame, and "ROBERT," the genial garrulous "City + Waiter," whilst the names of J.P. ("Dumb-Crambo") ATKINSON, and + E.J. WHEELER, were omitted by the purest accident. The late + H.J. BYRON contributed a series of papers. Mr. PUNCH hastens to + put them—as he would gladly some others—"on the + list," since, of no one of them, could it be truly said "he + never would be missed." "HALBOT" was a misprint for "HABLÔT," + "MAGUIN HANNAY" should read "MAGINN, HANNAY, &c.," and for + "<i>GEORGE</i> SILVER" read "HENRY."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page38" + id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>THE METROPOLITAN MINOTAUR;</h2> + + <h4>OR, THE LONDON LABYRINTH AND THE COUNTY COUNCIL + THESEUS.</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Certainly, if some members of the London County + Council have their way, it will soon have plenty to + occupy it without being called upon to form a scheme of + water-supply for the Metropolis."—<i>The + Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote><a href="images/38.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/38.png" + alt="The Metropolitan Minotaur." /></a> + + <p><i>L.C.C. loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bless me! Things combine so a hero to + humble!</p> + + <p>I fancied that Bull-headed + Minotaur—BUMBLE,</p> + + <p>Would fall to my hand like Pasiphae's + monster</p> + + <p>To Theseus. But oh! every step that I on + stir</p> + + <p>Bemuddles me more. I <i>did</i> think myself + clever,</p> + + <p>But fear from the Centre I'm farther than + ever,</p> + + <p>Oh, this <i>is</i> a Labyrinth! Worse than the + Cretan!</p> + + <p>Yet shall the new Theseus admit himself + beaten?</p> + + <p>Forbid it, great Progress! Your votary I, + Ma'am,</p> + + <p>But in this Big Maze it seems small use to try, + Ma'am.</p> + + <p>Mere roundaboutation's not Progress. Get + forward?</p> + + <p>Why eastward, and westward and southward, and + nor'ward,</p> + + <p>Big barriers stop me! Eh? Centralisation?</p> + + <p>Demolish that monster, Maladministration,</p> + + <p>Whose menaces fright the fair tower-crowned + Maiden.</p> + + <p>Most willingly, Madam; but look how I'm + laden,</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page39" + id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span> + + <p>And hampered! Oh! I should be grateful to you, + Ma'am,</p> + + <p>If, like Ariadne, you'd give me a clue, + Ma'am.</p> + + <p><i>I</i>'ll never—like treacherous + Theseus—desert you;</p> + + <p>My constancy's staunch, like my valour and + virtue.</p> + + <p>Through Fire, Water, Wilderness trackless I'll + follow,</p> + + <p>But astray in a Maze high ambition seems + hollow!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WATERLOO TO WEYBRIDGE.</h3> + + <h4>BY THE 6.5 P.M.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A young man—it's no matter who—</p> + + <p>Hailed a cab and remarked "Waterloo!"</p> + + <p class="i2">The driver, with bowed</p> + + <p class="i2">Head, sobbed out aloud,</p> + + <p>"Which station?" They frequently do.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A poet once said that to Esher</p> + + <p>The only good rhyme was "magnesher;"</p> + + <p class="i2">This was not the fact,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he had to retract,</p> + + <p>Which he did—he retracted with plesher.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A fancier cried: "There's one fault on</p> + + <p>The part of the sparrows at Walton;</p> + + <p class="i2">And that's why I fail</p> + + <p class="i2">To put salt on their tail—</p> + + <p>The birds have no tails to put salt on."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The dulness of riding to Weybridge</p> + + <p>Pleasant chat (mind the accent) may + <i>a</i>bridge,</p> + + <p class="i2">But not when it deals</p> + + <p class="i2">With detaching of wheels,</p> + + <p>Collisions, explosions, and Tay Bridge.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE STOLEN PICTURES.—The <i>Débats</i> informed us, + last week, that the thief who stole TENIERS' pictures from the + Museum at Rennes has been discovered. His punishment should + "fit the crime," as Mr. GILBERT's <i>Mikado</i> used to say, + and therefore he ought to be sentenced to penal servitude for + <i>Ten years</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:75%;"> + <a href="images/39.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/39.png" + alt="THE PERSONAL EQUATION." /></a> + + <h3>THE PERSONAL EQUATION.</h3> + + <p><i>Dick</i> (<i>who hasn't sold a single Picture this + year</i>). "AND AS FOR THE BEASTLY BRITISH PUBLIC, NOTHING + REALLY GOOD <i>EVER</i> GOES DOWN WITH IT—NOTHING BUT + VULGAR ROT!"</p> + + <p><i>Tom</i> (<i>who has sold every Picture he has + painted</i>). "OH, BOSH AND GAMMON, MY DEAR FELLOW. GOOD + HONEST WORK IS <i>ALWAYS</i> SURE OF ITS MARKET—AND + ITS <i>PRICE</i>!"</p>[<i>Next year their luck will be + reversed, and also their opinions of the B.P.</i>] + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Wednesday, June 11th</i>.—Left Billsbury last + Saturday, having in DICKY DIKES's words "broken the back of the + blooming canvas." During my last night's round we went into a + small house in one of the slums. The husband was out, but the + wife and family were all gathered together in the back room. + There were five children, ranging in age from ten down to two, + and the mother looked the very picture of slatternly + discomfort. We asked the usual questions, and I was just + turning to go, when I heard a violent fit of convulsive + coughing from a dark corner. The mother got up and went to the + corner. I couldn't help following, and saw the most miserable + spectacle I ever set eyes on. In a sort of cradle was lying the + smallest, frailest and most absolutely pinched and colourless + baby choking with every cough, and gasping horribly for breath. + I don't know what I said, but the mother turned to DIKES and + said, "He haven't much longer to cough. I shall want the + undertakers for him soon." I asked her if nothing could be + done, but she merely replied, "It'll be better so. We've too + many mouths to feed without him." I couldn't stay longer after + that, but fairly bolted out of the house.</p> + + <p>Our people are jubilant about our prospects. The canvas + shows, they say, a steady increase in our favour, the + registrations have been uniformly good, and, best of all, Sir + THOMAS CHUBSON again voted and spoke on the wrong side, when + the Billsbury Main Drainage Bill came on for Second Reading in + the House the other day. Our point is of course that, if this + scheme were carried out, there would be a great deal of work + for Billsbury labourers, and, somehow or other, a large amount + of money would be spent in the town. We have rubbed this well + in at every meeting we have held lately, and found it a most + effective point during the canvas. CHUBSON and the Radicals + talk about a great increase of the rates which would follow on + it; but we pooh-pooh this, and point out that the ultimate + saving would be enormous, and that the health of the town must + be benefited. They don't like the business at all, and feel + they've made a mistake.</p> + + <p>Have been made on successive nights a Druid, a Forester, and + a Loyal and Ancient Shepherd. All these three are Benefit + Societies, and the mysteries of initiation into each are very + similar. Colonel CHORKLE (who ought to have gone through the + business long ago) was made a Druid with me. I never saw + anybody so nervous. All the courage of all the CHORKLES seemed + to have deserted him, and he trembled like a Volunteer aspen. I + told Major WORBOYS on the following day that his Colonel, who I + was sure might be trusted to face a hostile battery without + flinching, had been very nervous when he was made a Druid. + WORBOYS sneered, and said that he'd be willing to take his + chance of CHORKLE's facing the battery or not, if CHORKLE would + only learn to ride decently. "Give you my word of honour," said + WORBOYS, "when the General inspected us last year, CHORKLE's + horse ran away with him three times, and at last we had to + march past without him. One of the tamest horses in the world, + too. My boy JACK rides it constantly." But WORBOYS despises + CHORKLE, and thinks he ought to command the regiment himself. + He spread it all over Billsbury that CHORKLE was found hiding + under a table when he was summoned to be initiated, and was + dragged out screaming piteously for mercy.</p> + + <p>On my last morning I was interviewed by a deputation from + the Billsbury Branch of The Women's Suffrage League. The + deputation consisted of Mrs. BOSER, the President of the + Branch, Miss AMY GINGELL, the Secretary, and two others. It was + a trying business. Mrs. BOSER is the most formidable person I + ever met. I felt like a babe in her hands after she had + glowered at me for five minutes. Finally I found myself, rather + to my own astonishment, promising to vote for a Women's + Suffrage Bill, and adding that Mrs. BOSER's arguments had + convinced me that justice had in this matter been too long + denied to women, and that for my part, if elected, I should + lose no opportunity of recording my vote on the side of women. + They seemed pleased, but the <i>Meteor</i> of the next day had + a frightful leader about the "shameful want of moral fibre in a + Conservative Candidate who was thus content to put the whole + Constitution into the melting-pot, if by so doing he could only + secure a few stray votes, and get the help of the women in his + coal-and-blanket expeditions."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page40" + id="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. I.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>An Excursion Agents' Offices. Behind the + counters polite and patient Clerks are besieged by a crowd + of Intending Tourists, all asking questions at + once.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Int. T.</i> Here—have you made out that + estimate for me yet?</p> + + <p><i>Clerk</i>. In one moment, Sir. (<i>He refers to a list, + turns over innumerable books, jots down columns of francs, + marks, and florins; reduces them to English money, and adds + them up.</i>) First class fares on the Rhine, Danube and Black + Sea steamers, I think you said, second class rail, and + postwagen?</p> + + <p><i>First Int. T.</i> I did say so, I believe; but it had + better be second class all through, and I can always pay the + difference if I want to.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>alters the sums accordingly, and + adds up again.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Clerk</i>. Fifty-five pounds fourteen and a penny, Sir. + Shall I make you put the tickets now?</p> + + <p><i>First Int. T.</i> Um, no. On second thoughts, I'd like to + see one of your short Circular Tours for the English Lakes, or + Wales, before I decide.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>hands him a quantity of leaflets, + with which he retires.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Enter</i> Mr. CLARENDON CULCHARD, <i>age about + twenty-eight; in Somerset House; tall; clean-shaven, wears + glasses, stoops slightly, dresses carefully, though his + tall hat is of the last fashion but two. He looks about him + expectantly, and then sits down to wait.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>to himself</i>). No sign of him yet! I + <i>do</i> like a man to keep an appointment. If this is the way + he <i>begins</i>—I have my doubts whether he is + <i>quite</i> the sort of fellow to—but I took the + precaution to ask HUGH ROSE about him, and ROSE said he was the + best company in the world, and I couldn't help getting on with + him. I don't think ROSE would deceive me. And from all I've + seen of PODBURY, he seems a pleasant fellow enough. What a + Babel! All these people bent on pleasure, going to seek it in + as many directions—with what success no one can predict. + There's an idea for a sonnet there.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He brings out a pocket-book, and begins to + write—"As when a—"</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>An Amurrcan Citizen</i> (<i>to</i> Clerk). See here, I've + been around with your tickets in Yurrup, and when I was at + Vernis, I bought some goods at a store there, and paid cash + down for 'em, and they promised to send 'em on for me right + here, and that was last fall, and I've never heard any more of + 'em, and what I want <i>you</i> should do now is to instruct + your representative at Vernis to go round and hev a talk with + that man, and ask him what in thunder he means by it, and + kinder hint that he'll hev the Amurrcan Consul in his hair + pretty smart, if he don't look slippier!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>mildly suggests that it would be + better to communicate directly with the</i> American + Consulate, <i>or with the tradesman himself.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The A.C.</i> But hold on—how'm I goin' to write to + that sharp, when I've lost his address, and disremember his + name? Can't you mail a few particulars to your agent, so he'll + identify him? No. (<i>Disappointed.</i>) Well, I thought you'd + ha' fixed up a little thing like that, anyhow; in my country + they'd ha' done it right away. Yes, <i>Sir</i>! [<i>He goes + away in grieved surprise.</i></p> + + <p><i>Enter</i> Mr. JAMES PODBURY, <i>age twenty-six; in a City + Office; short, fresh-coloured, jaunty; close-cut fair hair, and + small auburn moustache. Not having been to the City to-day, he + is wearing light tweeds, and brown boots.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Just nicked + it!—(<i>looks at clock</i>)—more or less. And he + doesn't seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall hit it + off together. HUGHIE ROSE said he was a capital good + chap—when you once got over his manner. Anyhow, it's a + great tip to go abroad with a fellow who knows the ropes. + (<i>Suddenly sees</i> CULCHARD <i>absorbed in his + note-book.</i>) So <i>here</i> you are, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>slightly scandalised by the tweeds and + the brown boots</i>). Yes, I've been here some little time. I + wish you could have managed to come before, because they close + early here to-day, and I wanted to go thoroughly over the tour + I sketched out before getting the tickets. [<i>He produces an + elaborate outline.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>easily</i>). Oh, <i>that's</i> all right! + I don't care where <i>I</i> go! All I want is, to see as much + as we can in the time—leave all the rest to you. I'll sit + here while you get the tickets.</p> + + <p><i>An Old Lady</i> (<i>to Clerk, as</i> CULCHARD) <i>is + waiting at the counter</i>). Oh, I <i>beg</i> your pardon, but + <i>could</i> you inform me if the 1'55 train from Calais to + Basle stops long enough for refreshments anywhere, and when + they examine the luggage, and if I can leave my handbag in the + carriage, and whether there is an English service at Yodeldorf, + and is it held in the hotel, and Evangelical, or High Church, + and are the sittings free, and what Hymn-book they use?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>sets her mind free on as many of + these points as he can, and then attends to</i> + CULCHARD.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>returning to</i> PODBURY <i>with two + cases bulging with books of coloured coupons</i>). Here are + yours. I should like you to run your eye over them, and see + that they are correct, if you don't mind.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>stuffing them in his pocket</i>). Can't + be bothered now. Take your word for it.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/40.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/40.png" + alt="Yes, Sir!" /></a>Yes, Sir! + </div> + + <p><i>Culchard</i>. No—but considering that we start the + first thing to-morrow morning, wouldn't it be as well to have + some idea of where you're going? And, by the way, excuse me, + but is it altogether prudent to keep your tickets in an outside + pocket like that? I always keep mine, with my money, in a + special case in an inner pocket, with a buttoned nap—then + I know I <i>can't</i> lose them.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Anything for a quiet life! (<i>He examines + his coupons.</i>) Dover to Ostend? Never been there—like + to see what Ostend's like. But why didn't you go by + Calais?—<i>shorter</i> you know.</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i>. Because I thought we'd see Bruges and Ghent + on our way to Brussels.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Bruges, eh? Capital! Anything particular + going on there? No? It don't matter. And Ghent—let's see, + wasn't that where they brought the good news to? Yes, we'll + stop at Ghent—if we've time. Then—Brussels? Good + deal of work to be done there, I suppose, sightseeing, and + that? I like a place where you can moon about without being + bothered myself; now, at <i>Brussels</i>—never mind, I + was only thinking.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> It's the best place to get to Cologne and up + the Rhine from. Then, you see, we go rather out of our way to + Nuremberg—</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Where they make toys? <i>I</i> + know—pretty festive there, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I don't know about festive—but it + is—er—a quaint, and highly interesting old place. + Then I thought we'd dip down to Constance, and strike across + the Alps to the Italian Lakes.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Italian Lakes? First—rate! Yes, + <i>they</i>'re worth seeing, I suppose. Think they're better + than the <i>Swiss</i> ones, though?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>tolerantly</i>). I can get the coupons + changed for Switzerland, if you prefer it. The Swiss Lakes may + be the more picturesque.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Yes, we'll do Switzerland—and run back + by Paris, eh? Not much to do in Switzerland, though, after + all!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with a faintly superior smile</i>). There + are one or two mountains, I believe. But, personally, I should + prefer Italy.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. So should I. No fun in + mountains—unless you go up 'em. What do you think of + choosing some quiet place, where nobody ever goes—say in + France or Germany—and, sticking to <i>that</i>. More of a + rest, wouldn't it be? such a bore having to know a lot; of + people!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I don't see how we can change <i>all</i> the + tickets, really. If you like, we could stop a week at St. + Goarshausen.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. What's St. Goarshausen + like—cheery?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I understood the idea was to keep away from + our fellow countrymen, and as far as I can remember St. + Goarshausen, it is not overrun with tourists—we should be + quiet enough + <i>there</i>.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" + id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. That's the place for <i>me</i>, then. Or + could we push on to Vienna? Never seen Vienna.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> If you like to give up Italy altogether.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. What do you say to <i>beginning</i> with + Italy and working back? Too hot, eh? Well, then, we'll let + things be as they are—I daresay it will do well enough. + So <i>that's</i> settled!</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>to himself on parting, after final + arrangements concluded</i>). I wish ROSE had warned me that + PODBURY's habit of mind was so painfully desultory. (<i>He + sighs.</i>) However—</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Wonder now long I shall + take to get over CULCHARD's manner. (<i>He sighs.</i>) I wish + old HUGHIE was coming—he'd give me a leg over!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He walks on thoughtfully.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>OFF TO MASHERLAND.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Our Own Grandolph.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/41-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/41-1.png" + alt="'Put out the light, and then—'" /></a>"Put + out the light, and then—" Being the true story + of The Wonderful Lamp. + </div> + + <p>I pause in my communications. Friends, real friends, have + wired over accounts of me on the trip, which have not been + written by "friendlies." Somebody wrote to <i>Black and + White</i> what purported to be Notes about me aboard the + gallant <i>Grantully Castle</i>, than which a better-found + vessel—"found" is the word—never put to sea. This + somebody ("bless him!"—DR-MM-ND W-LFF will know what I + mean) observes that "he didn't notice" any particular gratitude + on my part towards Captain HAY and his talented assistants. + Hay! what? why, confound them, I was all gratitude! Is it + because I did not run at him, embrace him, and shake his arms + off, that therefore I did not <i>feel</i> grateful! I was + awfully grateful. I felt inclined to alter the name of the + vessel to the <i>Gratefully</i> <i>Castle</i>. But "she" (you + always call a vessel "she"—isn't that nautical?) "is" as + the song says "another's, and never can be mine!" so I can't + change her name. I was overpowered by my feelings—and + what does that mean but the swallowing, with a gurgle in the + throat, of the silent tear, and the avoidance of the topic + uppermost in one's mind at the moment.</p> + + <p>"The soldier leant upon his sword, and wiped away a + tear"—but the sailor didn't, <i>Verb. sap.</i> What did I + do? Why, in my note of notes, my Private Diary, I made this + mem., "<i>Make Hay while the sun shines.</i>" Now what, I ask + any unprejudiced person, what does this mean? If Captain HAY + were suddenly to be promoted in the hay-day of his valuable + career to be an Admiral, would he suspect that he owed this + elevation to the man who, strictly obeying the ship's orders, + <i>never even spoke to the man at the wheel</i>? Now to come to + the next point. This correspondent girds at my having had a + special cabin and a special steward. <i>Why!</i> the envious + grumbler! if he had been as specially unwell as I was—but + there, I own I lose patience with him—didn't I go out as + a "Special," and if a Special doesn't have everything special + about him, <i>he is simply obtaining money under false + pretences</i>. I've a great mind—I hear the jeerer + snigger in his sleeve—but I repeat emphatically I have a + great mind to come back. "He will return, I know him well," my + traducers may sing; and I shall return when I consider my + special work specially done in my own special manner, and be + blowed to em all, the detractors!</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/41-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/41-2.png" + alt="Grandolph confiding to the <i>Chef</i> his secret receipt for cooking a flying-fish." /> + </a>Grandolph confiding to the <i>Chef</i> his secret + receipt for cooking a flying-fish. + </div> + + <p>He grumbles because I had <i>a special portable light</i> + all to myself, "when I wanted to play cards." Aha! do we see + the cloven hoof now? Was I to play cards <i>in the dark</i>? + Those who know me best know that I am all fair and above-board, + and no hole-and-corner gambling for me. And what tale has he to + tell? Why that "<i>Another night, not using his special light + at the time, two other passengers began a game of chess under + its rays.</i>" Which they had no right whatever to do. But I + winked at it, and when the first officer was coming his rounds + I winked at <i>them</i>; but this friendly act on my part they + did not heed, and consequently <i>to save them from being put + in irons</i> and confined in the deepest dungeon beneath the + <i>Grantully Castle</i> moat, I "<i>came along just then</i>," + as he reports, "<i>and removed the lamp to another part of the + deck, leaving the chess-players in the dark</i>"—as if + this consequence were anything extraordinary when a lamp is + removed! Why any schoolboy, the merest tyro in Scripture + History, knows where the great Hebrew Lawgiver was <i>when the + candle went out</i>. And were these passengers to be exempt + from the action of Nature's ordinary laws! + Bah!—"<i>without a word of apology or explanation</i>." I + <i>had</i> winked, but they were worse than blind horses, and + more resembled the inferior quadruped in obstinately refusing + to move, or in subsequently acknowledging this act of + thoughtful kindness on my part.</p> + + <p>As to my eating for breakfast a flying-fish, which somebody + on board had caught and given me, all I ask is, <i>why + shouldn't I?</i> I never had eaten a flying-fish before, and I + don't think I ever shall again. If the gentleman who caught it + didn't want me to eat it, he should have said so: for there + were three courses open to him; viz., <i>first</i>, to refuse + to give it me; <i>secondly</i>, to give it me on condition that + I kept it in memory of the occasion; <i>thirdly</i>, to throw + it back into the sea. But there was only one course open to + <i>me</i> when I got it, and that was the first course at + breakfast; the second course was kidgeree. It was a small fish + <i>just enough for one</i>, and now I rather fancy I remember + this <i>Black and White</i> correspondent, for it must have + been he, coming to my table, eyeing the fish, smacking his + lips, and observing that <i>he</i> "had never had the chance of + tasting a fried flying-fish." At that moment I was just + finishing the tail (a sweet morsel and not the worst part by + any means), and there was nothing left to offer him. So he went + away disappointed, with a grudge against yours truly. This, + Sir, is the true tale of the flying-fish, and if it isn't, let + me hear the revised version from my aspersers and caluminators. + I can write no more to-day. I am boiling over, and must go and + kick somebody. Yours, &c., + <a href="images/41-3.png"><img class="inline" + src="images/41-3.png" + width="40%" + alt="Grandolph the Explorer." /></a></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HANWELLIAN PRIZE COMPETITION.</h2> + + <h4><i>Conditions.</i></h4> + + <p>1. Entrance fee, to defray cost of postage, &c., two + guineas.</p> + + <p>2. All communications to be written illegibly, and on both + sides of the paper only—not on the edges.</p> + + <p>3. The Committee do not bind themselves to accept the lowest + or any tender; or to start at the time advertised in the + Company's tables; or to be in any way responsible for their own + actions.</p> + + <p>4. Competitors will be prosecuted.</p> + + <p>5. A prize of one shilling will be awarded to all + competitors who fail; the winners will be able to make their + way in life without prizes.</p> + + <p>6. Human beings and others are not eligible for this + competition.</p> + + <p>Subject to the above conditions, it is requested that + puzzles or questions may be forwarded to the following + solutions:—</p> + + <p><i>First Solution</i>.—Twenty-eight, if before March + 17th; one hundred and forty-six, if after that date.</p> + + <p><i>Second Solution</i>.—Put six pigs in the first + stye; then go back and fetch the fox from the other side of the + river, returning with the remaining cockatrice. Then put + yourself in the second stye, never come put any more, and + subtract.</p> + + <p><i>Third Solution</i>.—Positive, Regret; Comparative, + Regatta; Superlative, <i>Requiescat in pace</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Fourth Solution</i>.—Countesses; because the sun + (son) never sets there.</p> + + <p><i>Fifth Solution</i>.—Cut along dotted line to point + A. Then fold back, and cross to point C, keeping mark B on the + left. Stop, if you can, before getting to remark D. Bad + language never does any good.</p> + + <p><i>Sixth Solution</i>.—This is a mere catch, and only + suitable for quite young children. Of course, it is obvious + that the elephant could not have been on the outside, because + there never <i>are</i> two Mondays in the week. Hush! the Bogie + Man. <i>Exit.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" + id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/42.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/42.png" + alt="RATHER LATE IN THE DAY, PERHAPS!" /></a> + + <h3>RATHER LATE IN THE DAY, PERHAPS!</h3>"OH, GRANDPAPA + DEAR, SUCH FUN! THE FORTUNE-TELLER'S COME! <i>DO</i> COME + AND HAVE YOUR FORTUNE TOLD!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>JEAMES'S SUMMARY.</h2> + + <h3><i>Or, Le Monde où l'on s'ennuie.</i></h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Now that the pageantry and the social stir evoked by + the presence of the Imperial guests are over, there are few + who will care to prolong the dreary and disappointing + existence either of the Season or of the + Session."—<i>The Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Jeames loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ya-a-a-w!</i> Yes, young man, you've 'it it + there, penny-a-liner as you may be,</p> + + <p>And knowing, probably, no more about <i>hus</i> than + a coster's baby;</p> + + <p>But dull it 'as been, and no kid, and dreary, too, + and disappinting;</p> + + <p>Is it this Sosherlistic rot Society is so + disjinting,</p> + + <p>The Hinfluenza, or Hard Times, them Hirish, or + wotever <i>is</i> it?</p> + + <p><i>I</i> couldn't 'ave 'eld on at all, I'm sure, but + for the HEMP'ROR's visit.</p> + + <p><i>Ya-a-a-w!</i> 'Ang it, 'ow I've got the gapes! + Bring us a quencher, you young Buttons!</p> + + <p>And mind it's cool, and with a 'ed! <i>Hour</i> + family is reg'lar gluttons</p> + + <p>For "Soshal Stir." The guv'nor, he's a rising Tory + M.P., he is.</p> + + <p>And Missis all the Season through as busy as a + bloomin' bee is,</p> + + <p>A gathering Fashion's honey up from every hopening + flower. <i>That's</i> natty.</p> + + <p>I <i>'ave</i> a turn for poetry; you're quite right + there, my pretty PATTY.</p> + + <p>Lor! 'ow that gal admires these carves! But that's + "irrevelant," as the sayin' is;</p> + + <p>Master and Missis both complain 'ow dull and slow + the game they're playin' is.</p> + + <p>The Session? Yah! Give me the days, the dear old + days of darling DIZZY!</p> + + <p>With him and GLADSTONE on the job a chap + <i>could</i> say "Now we are busy."</p> + + <p>But SMITH's a slug, 'ARCOURT's a hum, and LABBY + makes a chap go squirmish.</p> + + <p>Dull as ditchwater the whole thing. One longs e'en + for a Hirish skirmish;</p> + + <p>But PARNELL's <i>fo par</i>, and his spite, 'ave + knocked the sparkle out of PADDY.</p> + + <p>No; Parlyment's a played-out fraud, flabby and + footy, flat and faddy.</p> + + <p>The Season's similar. Season? Bah? By sech a name it + ain't worth calling.</p> + + <p>Shoulders like these and carves like those was not + <i>quite</i> made for pantry-sprawling;</p> + + <p>But wot's the use? Trot myself hout for 'Ebrews, or + some tuppenny kernel?</p> + + <p>No, not for JEAMES, if he is quite aweer of it! It's + just infernal,</p> + + <p>The Vulgar Mix that calls itself Society. All shoddy + slyness,</p> + + <p>And moneybags; a "blend" as might kontamernate a + Ryal 'Igness,</p> + + <p>Or infry-dig a Hemperor. It won't nick JEAMES + though, not percisely;</p> + + <p>Better to flop in solitude than to demean one's self + unwisely.</p> + + <p>Won't ketch <i>me</i> selling myself off. I must + confess my 'art it 'arrers</p> + + <p>To see the Strorberry-Leaves go cheap—like + strorberries on low coster's barrers!</p> + + <p>Tuppence a pound! Yes, that's the cry. It's + <i>cheapness</i>, that Rad fad, that's done it.</p> + + <p>Prime fruit <i>ought</i> to be scarce and dear, + picked careful, and <i>kept in the punnet</i>.</p> + + <p>The same with <i>all</i> chice things I 'old, + whether 'tis footmen's carves or peerages;</p> + + <p>But fools forget that good old rule in this yer + queerest of all queer ages.</p> + + <p>Trade bad, things in the City tight, no Court worth + mentioning, queer scandals,</p> + + <p>Socierty inwaded by a lot of jumped-up Goths and + Wandals;</p> + + <p>Swell-matches few, gurls' chances poor, late Spring, + and lots o' sloppy weather,</p> + + <p>With that there Hinfluenza—wich perhaps is wus + than all together—</p> + + <p>All over the dashed shop! When was a Season sech a + sell as this is?</p> + + <p>Wot wonder that it aggeravates us all, pertikler Me + and Missis?</p> + + <p>Ah! But for our "Himperial Guests" the <i>Times</i>' + young man names with sech feeling,</p> + + <p>I don't know wot I <i>should</i> 'ave done. A dismal + dulness seems a-stealing</p> + + <p>Afore its time o'er every think; and now Our + Guests's gone wot reason,</p> + + <p>As the <i>Times</i> sez, for trying to perlong the + Session or the Season?</p> + + <p><i>Ya-a-a-w!</i> I shall gape my 'ed off 'ere. The + Row's a bore, the 'Ouse a fetter.</p> + + <p>And now the HEMP'ROR's slung 'is 'ook, the sooner + <i>we</i> are horf the better!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A LUSUS NATURÆ.—A paragraph in the <i>P.M.G.</i>, the + other day, was headed, "A Lion Loose in a Circus." Bad enough. + But a still more extraordinary incident would have been <i>A + Lion "tight" in a Circus</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. CHAUNCY DEPEW, the well-known American barrister, + <i>raconteur</i>, and wit, is on his way to England. His visit + is on business; probably to head a Depewtation.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page43" + id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/43.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/43.png" + alt="JEAMES'S SUMMARY." /></a> + + <h3>JEAMES'S SUMMARY.</h3>JEAMES. "DULL SESSION! DULL + SEASON!—THINGS BAD IN THE CITY!—HINFLUENZA ALL + HOVER THE SHOP; AND, NOW THE HEMP'ROR'S GONE, THE SOONER + <i>WE'RE</i> HORF THE BETTER!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" + id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> + + <h2>A NEW ELECTION "LAY."</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, young Mrs. BRAND has gone down to the East!</p> + + <p>To give the Electors a musical feast,</p> + + <p>And save her fine treble she weapons has none;</p> + + <p>Yet she means with that voice that the seat shall be + won.</p> + + <p>So good at a lay, at a ballad so grand,</p> + + <p>There never was dame like the young Mrs. BRAND!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All boldly she's entered the Cambridgeshire + halls,</p> + + <p>'Mid the squires, and the parsons, the farmers, and + thralls!</p> + + <p>Said DUNCAN, the foeman, "My friends, on my + word,</p> + + <p>Of a stranger proceeding I never have heard.</p> + + <p>I don't wish to be rude, but I <i>can't</i> + understand</p> + + <p>What you mean by this singing, oh young Mrs. + BRAND!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You need not suspect me," the lady replied;</p> + + <p>"I care not how flows the electoral tide,</p> + + <p>I merely have come down to Wisbech to-day</p> + + <p>To sing a few stanzas, trill one little lay.</p> + + <p>I am tired of long speeches, Home-Rule I can't + stand,</p> + + <p>But I <i>do</i> enjoy singing"—quoth young + Mrs. BRAND.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So lovely her voice, so bewitching her grace,</p> + + <p>Such a treat—or such treating:—did never + take place.</p> + + <p>While the Primrose Dames fretted, the Unionists + fumed,</p> + + <p>She merely the thread of her roundel resumed;</p> + + <p>And the Duncanites whispered—"'Tis most + underhand!</p> + + <p>We must send for a songstress to match Mrs. + BRAND."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A change in her theme! She has altered the bar</p> + + <p>To <i>Kathleen Mavourneen</i> and + <i>Erin-go-bragh!</i></p> + + <p>Spell-bound stand the rustics; she's won the whole + throng!</p> + + <p>To the lady they've given their votes "for a + song."</p> + + <p>"'Twill be ours, will the seat—'tis the plot I + have planned!</p> + + <p>Oh, Music hath charms!"—exclaimed young Mrs. + BRAND.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There is mourning mid folk of the Wire-pulling + Clan;</p> + + <p>Agents, Managers, Chairmen, are wild to a man,</p> + + <p>For the Cambridgeshire precedent means that their + calling</p> + + <p>Has passed to the ladies excelling + in—squalling!</p> + + <p>"Free teaching" has come, and "Free Music"'s at + hand;</p> + + <p>Which we owe to the courage of young Mrs. BRAND.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/45-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45-1.png" + alt="'JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT.'" /></a> + + <h3>"JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT."</h3>(<i>As sung sweetly by a + Public-House-Baritone.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SMOKED OFF!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Appeal from the Knife-board of a City + Omnibus.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The latest complaint of "the Ladies" is that they are + being "smoked off" the tops of the omnibuses.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/45-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45-2.png" + alt="Smoked off!" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The "knife-board," sacred once to broad male + feet,</p> + + <p class="i2">The "Happy Garden Seat,"</p> + + <p>Invaded now by the non-smoking sex,</p> + + <p class="i2">Virginal scruples vex,</p> + + <p>And matronly anathemas assail.</p> + + <p class="i2">Alas! and what avail</p> + + <p>Man's immunities of time or place?</p> + + <p class="i2">The sweet she-creatures chase</p> + + <p>From all old coigns of vantage harried man.</p> + + <p class="i2">In vain, how vain to ban</p> + + <p>Beauty from billiard-room or—Morning Bus</p> + + <p class="i2">What use to fume or fuss?</p> + + <p>And yet, and yet indeed it is no joke!</p> + + <p class="i2">Where <i>shall</i> one get a smoke</p> + + <p>Without annoying Shes with our cheroots,</p> + + <p class="i2">And being badged as "brutes"?</p> + + <p>If a poor fellow may not snatch a whiff</p> + + <p class="i2">(Without the feminine sniff)</p> + + <p>Upon the "Bus-roof," where in thunder's name</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Shall</i> he draw that same!</p> + + <p>The ladies, climb, sit, suffocate, and scoff,</p> + + <p class="i2">Declare <i>they</i> are "smoked off,"</p> + + <p>Is there no room inside? If smoke means Hades,</p> + + <p class="i2">We, "to oblige the ladies,"</p> + + <p>Have taken outside seats this many a year,</p> + + <p class="i2">Cold, but with weeds to cheer</p> + + <p>Our macintosh-enswathed umbrella'd bodies;</p> + + <p class="i2">Now we are called churl-noddies</p> + + <p>Because we puff the humble briar-root.</p> + + <p class="i2">Is man indeed a "brute"</p> + + <p>Because he may upon the knife-board's rack owe</p> + + <p class="i2">Some solace to Tobacco?</p> + + <p>If so it be, then man's last, only chance,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is in the full advance</p> + + <p>Of the "emancipated" sex. Sweet elves,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Pray learn to smoke + yourselves!</i></p> + + <p>Don't crowd us out, don't snub, and sneer, and + sniff,</p> + + <p class="i2">But—join us in a whiff!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A SHILLING IN THE POUND WISE.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—As the School Board rate has already + touched a shilling, and seems likely to go even higher, why + should not some of our money be expended in teaching the young + idea of the lower classes how to develop into more valuable + citizens than they seem likely to become under present + conditions? To carry out this idea, I jot down a few questions + to be put to a School-Board scholar before the granting of the + customary certificates:—</p> + + <p>1. Describe the formation of a Regiment, and explain its + position and duties in Brigade.</p> + + <p>2. What are the duties of a Special Constable?</p> + + <p>3. How would you set about putting horses into a + fire-engine?</p> + + <p>4. Describe the process of resuscitating a person apparently + drowned. How would you revive a person rendered insensible by + (1) cold, (2) by sunstroke.</p> + + <p>5. Give simple remedies to be applied at once in case of + bites by a mad dog, accidental poisoning by arsenic, and + swallowing of spurious coin.</p> + + <p>6. How would you set, (1) a leg, (2) an arm, (3) a broken + finger? If a man is run over by a Hansom, what should you do? + Describe an excellent substitute for a litter, when you can + obtain nothing better.</p> + + <p>7. State shortly what you consider your duty would be, (1) + were the country invaded, (2) were London in the hands of the + mob, (3) were your neighbourhood visited by fire, and decimated + by the plague.</p> + + <p>There, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, if every School-Board scholar could + supply satisfactory answers to the above questions, I would not + grudge my shilling in the pound—nay, possibly look with + equanimity on eighteenpence!—Yours, cordially,</p> + + <p class="author">ONE WHO IS SCHOOL-BORED.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" + id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/46.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/46.png" + alt="CRICKET AT LORD'S. THE LUNCHEON-TIME." /></a> + + <h3>CRICKET AT LORD'S. THE LUNCHEON-TIME.</h3>(<i>By Our + Special Instantaneous Photographic Caricaturist.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page47" + id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/47-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-1.png" + alt="'URBI ET ORBI.'" /></a> + + <h3>"URBI ET ORBI."</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH RETURNS HIS BEST THANKS TO ALL AND SINGULAR, + THE PUBLIC AND THE PRESS, FOR THE ENTHUSIASTIC RECEPTION + WITH WHICH THE TOAST OF HIS JUBILEE, EVERYWHERE AND BY + EVERYBODY, HAS BEEN RECEIVED. TO EVERYONE HEALTH AND + HAPPINESS, PEACE AND PROSPERITY.</p> + + <p class="author">PUNCH.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July</i> 13. Emperor WILLIAM + leaves to-day having taken affectionate farewell of Grandmamma. + On the whole been most successful visit. Weather a little + Frenchy in its tendency, but not all rain and thunder. If + things could only have been kept comfortable to last moment + there need have been nothing to mar success of event. + Unfortunately, TANNER's active brain discovered opportunity of + casting a stone at head of departing EMPEROR. Looking in at + Charing Cross Telegraph Office, intending to send + sixpenny-worth of genial remark to his late esteemed Leader + PARNELL on result of Carlow election, TANNER observed + "Gutknecht" on shaft of lead pencil gratuitously provided. Much + puzzled at this; thought at first it was RAIKES's way of + spelling good night; found on inquiry it was German.</p> + + <p>TANNER's patriotic bosom filled with storm of indignation. + "What!" he cried, apostrophising the absent RAIKES, "at a time + when trade is declining, Ireland is unhappy, strikes are + rampant, and human misery seems to have reached its bitterest + point, at such a time it might be hoped you would have given up + your days and nights to ameliorating the common lot, instead of + which you go about importing lead pencils made in Germany, and + so taking the very bread out of the mouth of the British + Workman."</p> + + <p>Might have asked question on subject a week ago when he made + discovery; adroitly put it down for to-night; and so whilst + Emperor WILLIAM was taking leave of Grandmamma in the stately + halls of Windsor, TANNER was flinging a lead pencil at his + retreating figure, stabbing him, so to speak, in the Imperial + back with a commercial product retailed at the inconsiderable + price of twopence-halfpenny a dozen.</p> + + <p>With some sense of relief House got into Committee of + Supply. Various questions brought up on Colonial Vote. P. and + O. SUTHERLAND championed claims of Singapore for deliverance + from arbitrary conduct of Government in levying military + contributions. Doesn't often take part in Debate; showed + to-night that abstention is not due to lack of debating + faculty. Set forth case of his clients in clear business-like + speech, which commanded attention of audience, for whom topic + itself not particularly attractive.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/47-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-2.png" + alt="'A Bad Sixpence.'" /></a>"A Bad Sixpence." + </div> + + <p>"SUTHERLAND," said the Member for Sark, one of his most + attentive listeners, "has introduced a new element into + Parliamentary oratory. His intercurrent cough is the most + remarkable adjunct to oratory I ever heard. Suppose the fact + is, when he pauses, he is thinking over the next word, or + surveying for a new line of argument. Other men would consult + their notes. P. and O. indulges in a kind of clearing of his + throat, a compromise between a cough and an articulate + remark—commanding, conciliatory, threatening, beseeching, + or convincing, according as the exigencies of the moment + require. As a work of art, the only contemporary thing equal to + it that I know, and that, of course, in quite a different way, + is some of the bye-play of the old gentleman in <i>L'Enfant + Prodigue</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Met CHAPLIN just now, striding along + corridor, mopping his statesmanlike brow with a bandana that + would, on emergency, serve as foresail for one of the + cattle-carrying steamers just now troubling the Minister for + Agriculture.</p> + + <p>"Anything gone wrong?" I asked, for it was impossible to be + blind to his evident trepidation.</p> + + <p>"No, dear boy, it's all right as it turns out, but it might + have been otherwise. What do you think? LABBY's positively been + moving the reduction of the Vote by the amount of my salary! + Shouldn't have been surprised if some Member had got up, and, + in neat speech, dilating on the enormous forward strides made + by the Empire since Ministry of Agriculture was created, moved + to double my screw. But to go and propose to dock it altogether + at the end of the first year is, if I may say so, not + encouraging."</p> + + <p>"Oh," I said, "you mustn't mind SAGE of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE; + his bark is worse than his bite."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I know," said CHAPLIN; "but I should be obliged to him + if he'd bark at someone else's heels. Not, mind you, that I + care so much about the money question. Between you and me + (though don't let it go further, or they might be holding me to + my bargain), I would rather pay £2000 a year than not have a + seat on the Treasury Bench in charge of a department. You've + never tasted the delight of standing up in a full House and + reading out answer to a question, whilst all the world hangs on + your lips. Nor have you ever drunk the deep delight of + explaining a Bill, or replying on behalf of HER MAJESTY's + Government to an Amendment. The joy is all the greater to me, + since it is newly acquired. For years I sat below the Gangway, + striving to catch the SPEAKER's eye in competition with the + herd, and when I succeeded Members either howled at me or left + the House. Now I speak without waiting for the SPEAKER's call, + and the House listens attentively to the utterances of the + Minister for Agriculture. That's better than salary paid + quarterly: worth paying for as I say. Still it's not pleasant + to have LABBY seriously proposing to stop your wages. Wish he'd + try it on someone else. There's PLUNKET for example; must put + him up in that quarter."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Committee of Supply.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/47-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-3.png" + alt="A Salmon Fisher." /></a>A Salmon Fisher. + </div> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—A long dull night varied by + occasional squalls. An immense relief to Hon. Members, after + sitting through an hour discussing Alienation of Crown Rights + in Salmon Fishing in Scotland, on which CALDWELL delivers + discourse, to have opportunity of exercising their lungs. + MORTON a benefactor in this respect. As soon as ALPHEUS + CLEOPHAS is discovered on his feet there goes forth a howl that + shakes the building. To-night rather awkward circumstance + followed. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rising for the eighth time, Members + broke forth into agonised howl that lasted several minutes. Was + stopped by sudden commotion + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page48" + id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span> at the Bar. Engineer PRIM + rushed wildly in, gesticulating towards the astonished + Chair, and disappeared. A body of workmen appearing + mysteriously from depths beneath House, tumultuously crossed + the doorway, and also vanished. Presently news came that + flood of water was raging down staircase; gradually truth + got at; a large water-main had burst in Upper Committee + Corridor; cracked at startling sound of outburst upon + ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS's re-appearance.</p> + + <p>"This is all very well," said PLUNKET. "I am myself no + enthusiastic admirer of MORTON's Parliamentary eloquence. + Still, as First Commissioner of Works, I feel this thing must + be discouraged. Must draw the line somewhere. Can't have our + water-mains bursting with vicarious indignation because MORTON + would speak eight times in Committee of Supply."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—In Lords to-night, STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, + L.C.C., gave fresh advertisement to CALDERON's picture, "<i>St. + Elizabeth of Hungary.</i>" Not a pleasant subject, from any + point of view, artistic or moral. Everybody but well-meaning + people like STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, glad to drop it. He brings it + forward at this late day; tries to make the MARKISS responsible + for whole business. The MARKISS protests that STANLEY has had + the advantage of him; hasn't even seen the picture. "The only + idea I have been able to form of it," he said to delighted + House, "is derived from a picture in <i>Punch</i>, in which + <i>ZÆO</i> is showing her back to the Members of the County + Council." Lords don't often indulge in hearty laughter; this + too much for them, and STANLEY OF ALDERLEY temporarily + extinguished, amid almost uproarious mirth.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Supply in Commons.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HIT AND MISS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[At Bisley, Miss LEALE, of Guernsey, has shot with + considerable success. Miss LEALE, though only nineteen + years old, is a shooting member of the National Rifle + Association, and has won several prizes at the meetings of + the Guernsey Rifle Association.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Whirligig of Time! Its latest turn see</p> + + <p>In this phenomenon who hails from Guernsey.</p> + + <p>We've often met, at pic-nics or at dances,</p> + + <p>Young ladies who were good at + shooting—glances!</p> + + <p>And glances that, alas! have often filled us</p> + + <p>With tender feelings, if they have not killed + us.</p> + + <p>We've met fair maidens, who have found it + pleasant</p> + + <p>To tramp the moors for grouse, or shoot at + pheasant;</p> + + <p>Of some indeed who've had a go at grisly;</p> + + <p>But never—until now—of one at + Bisley.</p> + + <p>Yet there she is, and whilst her sisters, + sitting</p> + + <p>At home, may spend their leisure time in + knitting,</p> + + <p><i>She</i> sits and shoots, nor does she very far + get</p> + + <p>From where she aims, the centre of the target.</p> + + <p>Take off your hats to her as now we name + her,—Miss</p> + + <p>LEALE, of Guernsey! Gladly we acclaim her</p> + + <p>For Womankind (triumphant in the Schools) high</p> + + <p>Renown henceforth will look for in the + bull's-eye,</p> + + <p>And, tired of tennis, having quite with thimble + done,</p> + + <p>Will strive for laurels at the Modern Wimbledon!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MONTI THE MATADOR.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Originally intended for the F-rtn-ghtly + R-v-w.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"Yes, I'm better, and the Doctor tells me I've escaped once + more. That Doctor hates you—I know it. He has saved + me—to tell you the story—The story <i>I</i> have + been trying to tell to some one for thirty years."</p> + + <p>I was talking to Old MONTI, whose full name was MONTI DI + PIETA—as a pledge of his respectability. He was a + descendant of the Pornbrocheros del Treballos d'Oro. He was + subsequently called Monkey—as a tribute to his + character.</p> + + <p>"I should like you to tell me," I said, "for you must know + that for years I have seen the snows on the Lagartigo, and the + moonlight on the—"</p> + + <p>"Stop!" he cried—"you are going to begin padding. That + will do for a magazine, not for me!" and he snapped his fingers + at me.</p> + + <p>But I was not to be put off. He was weak—a + cripple—and I gave him the choice of listening to a + personally-conducted tour in the South of Spain, or relating + his adventures.</p> + + <p>"I will have my revenge!" he muttered. "You shall hear my + life from the beginning. You must know, then, that sixty years + ago I was born, and—"</p> + + <p>"Yes," I returned, interrupting him—"of poor parents. + Your father was coarse, your mother pious. You learned all you + could about bulls, which you kept from your father, and you + were ultimately engaged as a bull-fighter—"</p> + + <p>"Stop, stop!" he cried. "If you cut out about a dozen pages + of my biography, at least let me explain how I saved my father. + You must know—"</p> + + <p>"I will do it for you in a line," I said, sharply. "Your + father lost his temper, and tried bullying the bull (no joke), + and you winked at the animal. He knew you, and stood still. The + bull went for your father—you for the bull. Drive + on!"</p> + + <p>"Let me tell you then, how I prepared myself for the Ring by + practising on a dummy bull.—I had no difficulty in + sticking pins into it—it was quite calm. Then I tried the + same game on a sheep, and got knocked down for my pains! One of + my monkey tricks! Then I got acquainted with some Irish bulls, + and letting them off on my friends got several thumps on the + head."</p> + + <p>"No," I interrupted him sternly, "get on with your + story."</p> + + <p>"Well, at length I met JUAN at the beginning of May."</p> + + <p>"Make it first of April," I said, severely.</p> + + <p>"He was the Toreador out of <i>Carmen</i>, to put it + shortly," he continued, not deigning to notice my + interruption—"and he introduced me to the bull-fight. Of + course I had to pay my footing (a very uncertain one) in + <i>duros</i>, or hard cash. Then every morning I ate a + <i>chuto</i> (a sort of small cabbage) at my dinner—then + they tried me as a <i>capa</i>, to test (so they said) my + capability. The chief patron was the Duke of MEDICINA, who in + early youth had been a doctor—hence his title—and I + shall never forget his first greeting."</p> + + <p>"Your story!" I interrupted, sternly, finding that the old + man was once more becoming tedious.</p> + + <p>"I returned," replied the dotard, with a senile chuckle, + "that he was wrong. His answer was beyond my meaning—he + muttered something about 'mutton and <i>capa</i> sauce.' I was + engaged," continued the dotard, with a feeble grin, "as a + <i>capa</i> for seventy years certain, with an annual benefit + once in four years, with a salary of forty-two thousand a + year—which in those days seemed to me to be a small + fortune."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:38%;"> + <a href="images/48.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/48.png" + alt="'They made an Idol of me.'" /></a>"They made an + Idol of me." + </div> + + <p>"They are wretchedly paid in Spain," I observed.</p> + + <p>"They are," he acquiesced. "I was paid a week in advance, + and have lived upon the proceeds ever since. And now my life + was indeed a merry one. I was free of the Ring. Now I played + the cornet in the <i>Brassos Banderillos</i>, and my + performance pleased the <i>aficionados</i> (or advertising + agents) so well, that my name was known throughout the + Peninsula."</p> + + <p>"Well," once more I interrupted, "I suppose you met a + Spanish beauty, fell in love with her, and was cut out by a + party of the name of JUAN?"</p> + + <p>"However do you think of such clever things?" asked the old + man, in a tone of extreme astonishment. "But you are right. I + placed CLEMENCIA one day in the <i>pal co</i> (or part reserved + for friends), and the bull tossed me. Ah, she trampled upon + me—treated me like a mat. But I loved her and adored + myself. Hence I was called a 'Mat-Adorer.' I repeat, the bull + tossed me, and I did not come down heads."</p> + + <p>"Go on."</p> + + <p>"I was ill, and neglected, but soon recovered sufficiently + to kill sixty-six bulls in succession."</p> + + <p>"Surely you are exaggerating?"</p> + + <p>"You are perfectly right," he answered, with a blush. "I + killed sixty-five—the sixty-sixth was only mortally + wounded. And now the people made an idol of me. I was + absolutely worshipped"—</p> + + <p>"Come to the point," I said, in a tone that showed I was not + to be trifled with.</p> + + <p>"No <i>that</i> was the fate of JUAN. At the end of a game + of <i>toros</i> (which is Spanish for marbles) he said to me + (in excellent Spanish), 'MONTI, me bhoy, philaloo! ye will + shtay by me?' 'That will I—as shure as me name is + TIM—I should say MONTI,' I responded, in choice + Castilian. The bull came up, I looked him in the eye, raised my + <i>shillalo</i> (a short Spanish club), and, crying 'Whist!' he + cut for partners. JUAN was cut a deal."</p> + + <p>"That bull was a ripper," I murmured.</p> + + <p>"Bedad he was that, Sorr," returned the dotard, whose + Spanish became more and more Castilian every moment. "CLEMENICA + died the next morning. But I am remorseful—that I did not + kill her myself. And now I have had my revenge! I have told ye + the story! I know you—your name's H-A-R-"—</p> + + <p>He gave a gasp and died.</p> + + <p>But I too had <i>my</i> revenge. I sent the tale I had just + heard to the <i>F-rtn-ghtly R-v-w</i>.</p> + + <p class="author">M.F.H.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13465 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13465-h/images/37-1.png b/13465-h/images/37-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c0db82 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/37-1.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/37-2.png b/13465-h/images/37-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97e33de --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/37-2.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/37-3.png b/13465-h/images/37-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e25875a --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/37-3.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/38.png b/13465-h/images/38.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ddec5e --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/38.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/39.png b/13465-h/images/39.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ea18edc --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/39.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/40.png b/13465-h/images/40.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..945d51b --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/40.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/41-1.png b/13465-h/images/41-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..10bd804 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/41-1.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/41-2.png b/13465-h/images/41-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c66412 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/41-2.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/41-3.png b/13465-h/images/41-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..040451b --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/41-3.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/42.png b/13465-h/images/42.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..de367b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/42.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/43.png b/13465-h/images/43.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe38f16 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/43.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/45-1.png b/13465-h/images/45-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..208c102 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/45-1.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/45-2.png b/13465-h/images/45-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4fd5e96 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/45-2.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/46.png b/13465-h/images/46.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8896137 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/46.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/47-1.png b/13465-h/images/47-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c1b5858 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/47-1.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/47-2.png b/13465-h/images/47-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9cdf83 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/47-2.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/47-3.png b/13465-h/images/47-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f79c0c --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/47-3.png diff --git a/13465-h/images/48.png b/13465-h/images/48.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..becff1e --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-h/images/48.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a163ab6 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13465 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13465) diff --git a/old/13465-h.zip b/old/13465-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..02dceec --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13465-h.zip diff --git a/old/13465-h/13465-h.htm b/old/13465-h/13465-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fcfb769 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13465-h/13465-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2225 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, July 25, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +July 25, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, July 25, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 15, 2004 [EBook #13465] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 25, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page37" + id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:48%;"> + <a href="images/37-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37-1.png" + alt="Amonasro, Aïda, and Radames." /></a> + + <p><i>Amonasro</i> (<i>the Black King</i>). "I am your + father. I've kept myself dark so long that I've become + quite black!"</p> + + <p><i>Aïda</i> (<i>the White Maiden</i>). "Oh! go away, + black man; don't come anigh me!! You ought to be + <i>Otello</i> to-morrow night."</p> + + <p><i>Little Ravelli-Radames</i> (<i>aside</i>). "No matter + what colour, I love her!!"</p><br /> + <a href="images/37-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37-2.png" + alt="Covent Garden Stars seen through the Harriscope." /> + </a>Covent Garden Stars seen through the Harriscope. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday, July 14</i>.—Madame NORDICA is not at her + best as <i>Aïda</i>. It lacks colour—that is on the face + and hands, where at least should be shown some more "colourable + pretence" for being the daughter of so blackened a character as + is her father <i>Amonasro</i>, played as a villain of the + deepest dye by M. DEVOYOD. When the celebrated march was heard, + the players didn't seem particularly strong in trumps, and the + trumpets giving a somewhat "uncertain sound,"—a trifle + husky, as if they'd caught cold,—somewhat marred the + usually thrilling effect. Gorgeous scene; and RAVELLI the + Reliable as <i>Radames</i> quite the success of the evening. + Mlle. GUERCIA as <i>Amneris</i> seemed to have made up after an + old steel plate in a bygone Book of Beauty. Where are those + Books of Beauty now! And <i>The Keepsake</i>? Where the + pseudo-Byronic poetry and the short stories by Mrs. NAMBY and + Mr. PAMBY? But this is only a marginal note, not in the + Operatic score. Signor ABRAMOFF was a powerful <i>Ramphis</i>, + his make-up suggesting that his title would be more + appropriately <i>Rumfiz</i>,—which would be an excellent + Egyptian name. Very good House, but still suffering from + reaction after Imperial visit, and not to recover itself till + to-morrow, <i>Wednesday</i>, when the House is crowded with a + brilliant audience to hear a brilliant performance of + <i>Otello. The Grand Otello Co. Covent Garden, Limited</i>. + Thoroughly artistic performance of <i>Iago</i> by M. MAUREL. + His wicked "Credo" more diabolically malicious than ever it was + at the Lyceum; an uncanny but distinctly striking effect. Then + DRURIOLANUS ASTRONOMICUS gave us a scenic startler in the way + of imitation meteoric effect. 'Twas on this wise: of course, + neither DRURIOLANUS nor any other Manager can carry on an + operatic season without stars, and so they are here, a galaxy + of 'em, up above, on the "back cloth," as it is technically + termed, shining brilliantly but spasmodically, strange portents + in the operatic sky. Pity Astronomer Royal not here to see and + note the fact. Next time <i>Otello</i> is given, if this + atmospheric effect is to be repeated, the attendants in the + lobbies might be permitted to supply powerful telescopes at a + small fixed charge. But the greatest star of all is Madame + ALBANI as <i>Desdemona</i>; a triumph dramatically and + operatically. Her song in the last Act, the celebrated + "<i>Willow Song</i>"—which of course no cricketer ought + to miss hearing—was most beautifully and touchingly + rendered. Those persons suffering from the heat of a crowded + house, and dreading the difficulty of finding their "keb or + kerridge" in good time, and who therefore quitted their seats + before ALBANI sang the "<i>Willow Song</i>," must, perforce, + sing the old refrain, "<i>O Willow, we have missed you!</i>" + and go back for it whenever this Opera is played again. M. JEAN + DE RESZKÉ was not, perhaps, quite up to his usual form, or his + usual former self; but, for all that, he justified his + responsibility as one of the largest shareholders in the Grand + Otello Company, Limited. All things considered, and the last + best thing being invariably quite the best, <i>Otello, or + Symphonies in Black and White</i>, is about the biggest success + of the season.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO AMANDA.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/37-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37-3.png" + alt="Amanda." /></a> + </div> + + <h4>(<i>Accompanying a Set of Verses which She bade me + write.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Only a trifle, though, i' faith, 'tis smart,</p> + + <p>A <i>jeu d'esprit</i>, not art concealing art,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fruition of a moment's fantasy,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mere mental bubbles, verbal filagree.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But, though thy lightest wish I would not + thwart,</p> + + <p>I prithee bid me play some other part</p> + + <p>Another time, and I will give thee <i>carte</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Blanche</i> to dictate; in truth aught + else will be</p> + + <p class="i10">Only a trifle,</p> + + <p>Compared with versifying. I will dart,</p> + + <p>At thy behest, e'en to the public mart</p> + + <p>To buy a bonnet, or will gleefully</p> + + <p>Carry a babe through Bond Street. My sole plea</p> + + <p>Is—no more verses. Surely 'tis, + sweetheart,</p> + + <p class="i10">Only a trifle.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SUPPLEMENTARY AND CORRECTIVE.—In his Jubilee Number + Mr. PUNCH remarked, "Merely to mention <i>all</i> the bright + pens and pencils which have occasionally contributed to my + pages would occupy much space." And space then was limited. But + among the "Great Unnamed" <i>should</i> assuredly have been + mentioned W.H. WILLS, one of the originators of Mr. PUNCH's + publication, CLEMENT SCOTT the flowing lyrist, and author of + "The Cry of the Children," &c., ASHBY STERRY of "Lazy + Minstrel" fame, and "ROBERT," the genial garrulous "City + Waiter," whilst the names of J.P. ("Dumb-Crambo") ATKINSON, and + E.J. WHEELER, were omitted by the purest accident. The late + H.J. BYRON contributed a series of papers. Mr. PUNCH hastens to + put them—as he would gladly some others—"on the + list," since, of no one of them, could it be truly said "he + never would be missed." "HALBOT" was a misprint for "HABLÔT," + "MAGUIN HANNAY" should read "MAGINN, HANNAY, &c.," and for + "<i>GEORGE</i> SILVER" read "HENRY."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page38" + id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>THE METROPOLITAN MINOTAUR;</h2> + + <h4>OR, THE LONDON LABYRINTH AND THE COUNTY COUNCIL + THESEUS.</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Certainly, if some members of the London County + Council have their way, it will soon have plenty to + occupy it without being called upon to form a scheme of + water-supply for the Metropolis."—<i>The + Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote><a href="images/38.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/38.png" + alt="The Metropolitan Minotaur." /></a> + + <p><i>L.C.C. loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bless me! Things combine so a hero to + humble!</p> + + <p>I fancied that Bull-headed + Minotaur—BUMBLE,</p> + + <p>Would fall to my hand like Pasiphae's + monster</p> + + <p>To Theseus. But oh! every step that I on + stir</p> + + <p>Bemuddles me more. I <i>did</i> think myself + clever,</p> + + <p>But fear from the Centre I'm farther than + ever,</p> + + <p>Oh, this <i>is</i> a Labyrinth! Worse than the + Cretan!</p> + + <p>Yet shall the new Theseus admit himself + beaten?</p> + + <p>Forbid it, great Progress! Your votary I, + Ma'am,</p> + + <p>But in this Big Maze it seems small use to try, + Ma'am.</p> + + <p>Mere roundaboutation's not Progress. Get + forward?</p> + + <p>Why eastward, and westward and southward, and + nor'ward,</p> + + <p>Big barriers stop me! Eh? Centralisation?</p> + + <p>Demolish that monster, Maladministration,</p> + + <p>Whose menaces fright the fair tower-crowned + Maiden.</p> + + <p>Most willingly, Madam; but look how I'm + laden,</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page39" + id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span> + + <p>And hampered! Oh! I should be grateful to you, + Ma'am,</p> + + <p>If, like Ariadne, you'd give me a clue, + Ma'am.</p> + + <p><i>I</i>'ll never—like treacherous + Theseus—desert you;</p> + + <p>My constancy's staunch, like my valour and + virtue.</p> + + <p>Through Fire, Water, Wilderness trackless I'll + follow,</p> + + <p>But astray in a Maze high ambition seems + hollow!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WATERLOO TO WEYBRIDGE.</h3> + + <h4>BY THE 6.5 P.M.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A young man—it's no matter who—</p> + + <p>Hailed a cab and remarked "Waterloo!"</p> + + <p class="i2">The driver, with bowed</p> + + <p class="i2">Head, sobbed out aloud,</p> + + <p>"Which station?" They frequently do.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A poet once said that to Esher</p> + + <p>The only good rhyme was "magnesher;"</p> + + <p class="i2">This was not the fact,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he had to retract,</p> + + <p>Which he did—he retracted with plesher.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A fancier cried: "There's one fault on</p> + + <p>The part of the sparrows at Walton;</p> + + <p class="i2">And that's why I fail</p> + + <p class="i2">To put salt on their tail—</p> + + <p>The birds have no tails to put salt on."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The dulness of riding to Weybridge</p> + + <p>Pleasant chat (mind the accent) may + <i>a</i>bridge,</p> + + <p class="i2">But not when it deals</p> + + <p class="i2">With detaching of wheels,</p> + + <p>Collisions, explosions, and Tay Bridge.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE STOLEN PICTURES.—The <i>Débats</i> informed us, + last week, that the thief who stole TENIERS' pictures from the + Museum at Rennes has been discovered. His punishment should + "fit the crime," as Mr. GILBERT's <i>Mikado</i> used to say, + and therefore he ought to be sentenced to penal servitude for + <i>Ten years</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:75%;"> + <a href="images/39.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/39.png" + alt="THE PERSONAL EQUATION." /></a> + + <h3>THE PERSONAL EQUATION.</h3> + + <p><i>Dick</i> (<i>who hasn't sold a single Picture this + year</i>). "AND AS FOR THE BEASTLY BRITISH PUBLIC, NOTHING + REALLY GOOD <i>EVER</i> GOES DOWN WITH IT—NOTHING BUT + VULGAR ROT!"</p> + + <p><i>Tom</i> (<i>who has sold every Picture he has + painted</i>). "OH, BOSH AND GAMMON, MY DEAR FELLOW. GOOD + HONEST WORK IS <i>ALWAYS</i> SURE OF ITS MARKET—AND + ITS <i>PRICE</i>!"</p>[<i>Next year their luck will be + reversed, and also their opinions of the B.P.</i>] + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Wednesday, June 11th</i>.—Left Billsbury last + Saturday, having in DICKY DIKES's words "broken the back of the + blooming canvas." During my last night's round we went into a + small house in one of the slums. The husband was out, but the + wife and family were all gathered together in the back room. + There were five children, ranging in age from ten down to two, + and the mother looked the very picture of slatternly + discomfort. We asked the usual questions, and I was just + turning to go, when I heard a violent fit of convulsive + coughing from a dark corner. The mother got up and went to the + corner. I couldn't help following, and saw the most miserable + spectacle I ever set eyes on. In a sort of cradle was lying the + smallest, frailest and most absolutely pinched and colourless + baby choking with every cough, and gasping horribly for breath. + I don't know what I said, but the mother turned to DIKES and + said, "He haven't much longer to cough. I shall want the + undertakers for him soon." I asked her if nothing could be + done, but she merely replied, "It'll be better so. We've too + many mouths to feed without him." I couldn't stay longer after + that, but fairly bolted out of the house.</p> + + <p>Our people are jubilant about our prospects. The canvas + shows, they say, a steady increase in our favour, the + registrations have been uniformly good, and, best of all, Sir + THOMAS CHUBSON again voted and spoke on the wrong side, when + the Billsbury Main Drainage Bill came on for Second Reading in + the House the other day. Our point is of course that, if this + scheme were carried out, there would be a great deal of work + for Billsbury labourers, and, somehow or other, a large amount + of money would be spent in the town. We have rubbed this well + in at every meeting we have held lately, and found it a most + effective point during the canvas. CHUBSON and the Radicals + talk about a great increase of the rates which would follow on + it; but we pooh-pooh this, and point out that the ultimate + saving would be enormous, and that the health of the town must + be benefited. They don't like the business at all, and feel + they've made a mistake.</p> + + <p>Have been made on successive nights a Druid, a Forester, and + a Loyal and Ancient Shepherd. All these three are Benefit + Societies, and the mysteries of initiation into each are very + similar. Colonel CHORKLE (who ought to have gone through the + business long ago) was made a Druid with me. I never saw + anybody so nervous. All the courage of all the CHORKLES seemed + to have deserted him, and he trembled like a Volunteer aspen. I + told Major WORBOYS on the following day that his Colonel, who I + was sure might be trusted to face a hostile battery without + flinching, had been very nervous when he was made a Druid. + WORBOYS sneered, and said that he'd be willing to take his + chance of CHORKLE's facing the battery or not, if CHORKLE would + only learn to ride decently. "Give you my word of honour," said + WORBOYS, "when the General inspected us last year, CHORKLE's + horse ran away with him three times, and at last we had to + march past without him. One of the tamest horses in the world, + too. My boy JACK rides it constantly." But WORBOYS despises + CHORKLE, and thinks he ought to command the regiment himself. + He spread it all over Billsbury that CHORKLE was found hiding + under a table when he was summoned to be initiated, and was + dragged out screaming piteously for mercy.</p> + + <p>On my last morning I was interviewed by a deputation from + the Billsbury Branch of The Women's Suffrage League. The + deputation consisted of Mrs. BOSER, the President of the + Branch, Miss AMY GINGELL, the Secretary, and two others. It was + a trying business. Mrs. BOSER is the most formidable person I + ever met. I felt like a babe in her hands after she had + glowered at me for five minutes. Finally I found myself, rather + to my own astonishment, promising to vote for a Women's + Suffrage Bill, and adding that Mrs. BOSER's arguments had + convinced me that justice had in this matter been too long + denied to women, and that for my part, if elected, I should + lose no opportunity of recording my vote on the side of women. + They seemed pleased, but the <i>Meteor</i> of the next day had + a frightful leader about the "shameful want of moral fibre in a + Conservative Candidate who was thus content to put the whole + Constitution into the melting-pot, if by so doing he could only + secure a few stray votes, and get the help of the women in his + coal-and-blanket expeditions."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page40" + id="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. I.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>An Excursion Agents' Offices. Behind the + counters polite and patient Clerks are besieged by a crowd + of Intending Tourists, all asking questions at + once.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Int. T.</i> Here—have you made out that + estimate for me yet?</p> + + <p><i>Clerk</i>. In one moment, Sir. (<i>He refers to a list, + turns over innumerable books, jots down columns of francs, + marks, and florins; reduces them to English money, and adds + them up.</i>) First class fares on the Rhine, Danube and Black + Sea steamers, I think you said, second class rail, and + postwagen?</p> + + <p><i>First Int. T.</i> I did say so, I believe; but it had + better be second class all through, and I can always pay the + difference if I want to.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>alters the sums accordingly, and + adds up again.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Clerk</i>. Fifty-five pounds fourteen and a penny, Sir. + Shall I make you put the tickets now?</p> + + <p><i>First Int. T.</i> Um, no. On second thoughts, I'd like to + see one of your short Circular Tours for the English Lakes, or + Wales, before I decide.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>hands him a quantity of leaflets, + with which he retires.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Enter</i> Mr. CLARENDON CULCHARD, <i>age about + twenty-eight; in Somerset House; tall; clean-shaven, wears + glasses, stoops slightly, dresses carefully, though his + tall hat is of the last fashion but two. He looks about him + expectantly, and then sits down to wait.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>to himself</i>). No sign of him yet! I + <i>do</i> like a man to keep an appointment. If this is the way + he <i>begins</i>—I have my doubts whether he is + <i>quite</i> the sort of fellow to—but I took the + precaution to ask HUGH ROSE about him, and ROSE said he was the + best company in the world, and I couldn't help getting on with + him. I don't think ROSE would deceive me. And from all I've + seen of PODBURY, he seems a pleasant fellow enough. What a + Babel! All these people bent on pleasure, going to seek it in + as many directions—with what success no one can predict. + There's an idea for a sonnet there.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He brings out a pocket-book, and begins to + write—"As when a—"</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>An Amurrcan Citizen</i> (<i>to</i> Clerk). See here, I've + been around with your tickets in Yurrup, and when I was at + Vernis, I bought some goods at a store there, and paid cash + down for 'em, and they promised to send 'em on for me right + here, and that was last fall, and I've never heard any more of + 'em, and what I want <i>you</i> should do now is to instruct + your representative at Vernis to go round and hev a talk with + that man, and ask him what in thunder he means by it, and + kinder hint that he'll hev the Amurrcan Consul in his hair + pretty smart, if he don't look slippier!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>mildly suggests that it would be + better to communicate directly with the</i> American + Consulate, <i>or with the tradesman himself.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The A.C.</i> But hold on—how'm I goin' to write to + that sharp, when I've lost his address, and disremember his + name? Can't you mail a few particulars to your agent, so he'll + identify him? No. (<i>Disappointed.</i>) Well, I thought you'd + ha' fixed up a little thing like that, anyhow; in my country + they'd ha' done it right away. Yes, <i>Sir</i>! [<i>He goes + away in grieved surprise.</i></p> + + <p><i>Enter</i> Mr. JAMES PODBURY, <i>age twenty-six; in a City + Office; short, fresh-coloured, jaunty; close-cut fair hair, and + small auburn moustache. Not having been to the City to-day, he + is wearing light tweeds, and brown boots.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Just nicked + it!—(<i>looks at clock</i>)—more or less. And he + doesn't seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall hit it + off together. HUGHIE ROSE said he was a capital good + chap—when you once got over his manner. Anyhow, it's a + great tip to go abroad with a fellow who knows the ropes. + (<i>Suddenly sees</i> CULCHARD <i>absorbed in his + note-book.</i>) So <i>here</i> you are, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>slightly scandalised by the tweeds and + the brown boots</i>). Yes, I've been here some little time. I + wish you could have managed to come before, because they close + early here to-day, and I wanted to go thoroughly over the tour + I sketched out before getting the tickets. [<i>He produces an + elaborate outline.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>easily</i>). Oh, <i>that's</i> all right! + I don't care where <i>I</i> go! All I want is, to see as much + as we can in the time—leave all the rest to you. I'll sit + here while you get the tickets.</p> + + <p><i>An Old Lady</i> (<i>to Clerk, as</i> CULCHARD) <i>is + waiting at the counter</i>). Oh, I <i>beg</i> your pardon, but + <i>could</i> you inform me if the 1'55 train from Calais to + Basle stops long enough for refreshments anywhere, and when + they examine the luggage, and if I can leave my handbag in the + carriage, and whether there is an English service at Yodeldorf, + and is it held in the hotel, and Evangelical, or High Church, + and are the sittings free, and what Hymn-book they use?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Clerk <i>sets her mind free on as many of + these points as he can, and then attends to</i> + CULCHARD.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>returning to</i> PODBURY <i>with two + cases bulging with books of coloured coupons</i>). Here are + yours. I should like you to run your eye over them, and see + that they are correct, if you don't mind.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>stuffing them in his pocket</i>). Can't + be bothered now. Take your word for it.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/40.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/40.png" + alt="Yes, Sir!" /></a>Yes, Sir! + </div> + + <p><i>Culchard</i>. No—but considering that we start the + first thing to-morrow morning, wouldn't it be as well to have + some idea of where you're going? And, by the way, excuse me, + but is it altogether prudent to keep your tickets in an outside + pocket like that? I always keep mine, with my money, in a + special case in an inner pocket, with a buttoned nap—then + I know I <i>can't</i> lose them.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Anything for a quiet life! (<i>He examines + his coupons.</i>) Dover to Ostend? Never been there—like + to see what Ostend's like. But why didn't you go by + Calais?—<i>shorter</i> you know.</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i>. Because I thought we'd see Bruges and Ghent + on our way to Brussels.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Bruges, eh? Capital! Anything particular + going on there? No? It don't matter. And Ghent—let's see, + wasn't that where they brought the good news to? Yes, we'll + stop at Ghent—if we've time. Then—Brussels? Good + deal of work to be done there, I suppose, sightseeing, and + that? I like a place where you can moon about without being + bothered myself; now, at <i>Brussels</i>—never mind, I + was only thinking.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> It's the best place to get to Cologne and up + the Rhine from. Then, you see, we go rather out of our way to + Nuremberg—</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Where they make toys? <i>I</i> + know—pretty festive there, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I don't know about festive—but it + is—er—a quaint, and highly interesting old place. + Then I thought we'd dip down to Constance, and strike across + the Alps to the Italian Lakes.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Italian Lakes? First—rate! Yes, + <i>they</i>'re worth seeing, I suppose. Think they're better + than the <i>Swiss</i> ones, though?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>tolerantly</i>). I can get the coupons + changed for Switzerland, if you prefer it. The Swiss Lakes may + be the more picturesque.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. Yes, we'll do Switzerland—and run back + by Paris, eh? Not much to do in Switzerland, though, after + all!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with a faintly superior smile</i>). There + are one or two mountains, I believe. But, personally, I should + prefer Italy.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. So should I. No fun in + mountains—unless you go up 'em. What do you think of + choosing some quiet place, where nobody ever goes—say in + France or Germany—and, sticking to <i>that</i>. More of a + rest, wouldn't it be? such a bore having to know a lot; of + people!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I don't see how we can change <i>all</i> the + tickets, really. If you like, we could stop a week at St. + Goarshausen.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. What's St. Goarshausen + like—cheery?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I understood the idea was to keep away from + our fellow countrymen, and as far as I can remember St. + Goarshausen, it is not overrun with tourists—we should be + quiet enough + <i>there</i>.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" + id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. That's the place for <i>me</i>, then. Or + could we push on to Vienna? Never seen Vienna.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> If you like to give up Italy altogether.</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i>. What do you say to <i>beginning</i> with + Italy and working back? Too hot, eh? Well, then, we'll let + things be as they are—I daresay it will do well enough. + So <i>that's</i> settled!</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>to himself on parting, after final + arrangements concluded</i>). I wish ROSE had warned me that + PODBURY's habit of mind was so painfully desultory. (<i>He + sighs.</i>) However—</p> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Wonder now long I shall + take to get over CULCHARD's manner. (<i>He sighs.</i>) I wish + old HUGHIE was coming—he'd give me a leg over!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He walks on thoughtfully.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>OFF TO MASHERLAND.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Our Own Grandolph.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/41-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/41-1.png" + alt="'Put out the light, and then—'" /></a>"Put + out the light, and then—" Being the true story + of The Wonderful Lamp. + </div> + + <p>I pause in my communications. Friends, real friends, have + wired over accounts of me on the trip, which have not been + written by "friendlies." Somebody wrote to <i>Black and + White</i> what purported to be Notes about me aboard the + gallant <i>Grantully Castle</i>, than which a better-found + vessel—"found" is the word—never put to sea. This + somebody ("bless him!"—DR-MM-ND W-LFF will know what I + mean) observes that "he didn't notice" any particular gratitude + on my part towards Captain HAY and his talented assistants. + Hay! what? why, confound them, I was all gratitude! Is it + because I did not run at him, embrace him, and shake his arms + off, that therefore I did not <i>feel</i> grateful! I was + awfully grateful. I felt inclined to alter the name of the + vessel to the <i>Gratefully</i> <i>Castle</i>. But "she" (you + always call a vessel "she"—isn't that nautical?) "is" as + the song says "another's, and never can be mine!" so I can't + change her name. I was overpowered by my feelings—and + what does that mean but the swallowing, with a gurgle in the + throat, of the silent tear, and the avoidance of the topic + uppermost in one's mind at the moment.</p> + + <p>"The soldier leant upon his sword, and wiped away a + tear"—but the sailor didn't, <i>Verb. sap.</i> What did I + do? Why, in my note of notes, my Private Diary, I made this + mem., "<i>Make Hay while the sun shines.</i>" Now what, I ask + any unprejudiced person, what does this mean? If Captain HAY + were suddenly to be promoted in the hay-day of his valuable + career to be an Admiral, would he suspect that he owed this + elevation to the man who, strictly obeying the ship's orders, + <i>never even spoke to the man at the wheel</i>? Now to come to + the next point. This correspondent girds at my having had a + special cabin and a special steward. <i>Why!</i> the envious + grumbler! if he had been as specially unwell as I was—but + there, I own I lose patience with him—didn't I go out as + a "Special," and if a Special doesn't have everything special + about him, <i>he is simply obtaining money under false + pretences</i>. I've a great mind—I hear the jeerer + snigger in his sleeve—but I repeat emphatically I have a + great mind to come back. "He will return, I know him well," my + traducers may sing; and I shall return when I consider my + special work specially done in my own special manner, and be + blowed to em all, the detractors!</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/41-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/41-2.png" + alt="Grandolph confiding to the <i>Chef</i> his secret receipt for cooking a flying-fish." /> + </a>Grandolph confiding to the <i>Chef</i> his secret + receipt for cooking a flying-fish. + </div> + + <p>He grumbles because I had <i>a special portable light</i> + all to myself, "when I wanted to play cards." Aha! do we see + the cloven hoof now? Was I to play cards <i>in the dark</i>? + Those who know me best know that I am all fair and above-board, + and no hole-and-corner gambling for me. And what tale has he to + tell? Why that "<i>Another night, not using his special light + at the time, two other passengers began a game of chess under + its rays.</i>" Which they had no right whatever to do. But I + winked at it, and when the first officer was coming his rounds + I winked at <i>them</i>; but this friendly act on my part they + did not heed, and consequently <i>to save them from being put + in irons</i> and confined in the deepest dungeon beneath the + <i>Grantully Castle</i> moat, I "<i>came along just then</i>," + as he reports, "<i>and removed the lamp to another part of the + deck, leaving the chess-players in the dark</i>"—as if + this consequence were anything extraordinary when a lamp is + removed! Why any schoolboy, the merest tyro in Scripture + History, knows where the great Hebrew Lawgiver was <i>when the + candle went out</i>. And were these passengers to be exempt + from the action of Nature's ordinary laws! + Bah!—"<i>without a word of apology or explanation</i>." I + <i>had</i> winked, but they were worse than blind horses, and + more resembled the inferior quadruped in obstinately refusing + to move, or in subsequently acknowledging this act of + thoughtful kindness on my part.</p> + + <p>As to my eating for breakfast a flying-fish, which somebody + on board had caught and given me, all I ask is, <i>why + shouldn't I?</i> I never had eaten a flying-fish before, and I + don't think I ever shall again. If the gentleman who caught it + didn't want me to eat it, he should have said so: for there + were three courses open to him; viz., <i>first</i>, to refuse + to give it me; <i>secondly</i>, to give it me on condition that + I kept it in memory of the occasion; <i>thirdly</i>, to throw + it back into the sea. But there was only one course open to + <i>me</i> when I got it, and that was the first course at + breakfast; the second course was kidgeree. It was a small fish + <i>just enough for one</i>, and now I rather fancy I remember + this <i>Black and White</i> correspondent, for it must have + been he, coming to my table, eyeing the fish, smacking his + lips, and observing that <i>he</i> "had never had the chance of + tasting a fried flying-fish." At that moment I was just + finishing the tail (a sweet morsel and not the worst part by + any means), and there was nothing left to offer him. So he went + away disappointed, with a grudge against yours truly. This, + Sir, is the true tale of the flying-fish, and if it isn't, let + me hear the revised version from my aspersers and caluminators. + I can write no more to-day. I am boiling over, and must go and + kick somebody. Yours, &c., + <a href="images/41-3.png"><img class="inline" + src="images/41-3.png" + width="40%" + alt="Grandolph the Explorer." /></a></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HANWELLIAN PRIZE COMPETITION.</h2> + + <h4><i>Conditions.</i></h4> + + <p>1. Entrance fee, to defray cost of postage, &c., two + guineas.</p> + + <p>2. All communications to be written illegibly, and on both + sides of the paper only—not on the edges.</p> + + <p>3. The Committee do not bind themselves to accept the lowest + or any tender; or to start at the time advertised in the + Company's tables; or to be in any way responsible for their own + actions.</p> + + <p>4. Competitors will be prosecuted.</p> + + <p>5. A prize of one shilling will be awarded to all + competitors who fail; the winners will be able to make their + way in life without prizes.</p> + + <p>6. Human beings and others are not eligible for this + competition.</p> + + <p>Subject to the above conditions, it is requested that + puzzles or questions may be forwarded to the following + solutions:—</p> + + <p><i>First Solution</i>.—Twenty-eight, if before March + 17th; one hundred and forty-six, if after that date.</p> + + <p><i>Second Solution</i>.—Put six pigs in the first + stye; then go back and fetch the fox from the other side of the + river, returning with the remaining cockatrice. Then put + yourself in the second stye, never come put any more, and + subtract.</p> + + <p><i>Third Solution</i>.—Positive, Regret; Comparative, + Regatta; Superlative, <i>Requiescat in pace</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Fourth Solution</i>.—Countesses; because the sun + (son) never sets there.</p> + + <p><i>Fifth Solution</i>.—Cut along dotted line to point + A. Then fold back, and cross to point C, keeping mark B on the + left. Stop, if you can, before getting to remark D. Bad + language never does any good.</p> + + <p><i>Sixth Solution</i>.—This is a mere catch, and only + suitable for quite young children. Of course, it is obvious + that the elephant could not have been on the outside, because + there never <i>are</i> two Mondays in the week. Hush! the Bogie + Man. <i>Exit.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" + id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/42.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/42.png" + alt="RATHER LATE IN THE DAY, PERHAPS!" /></a> + + <h3>RATHER LATE IN THE DAY, PERHAPS!</h3>"OH, GRANDPAPA + DEAR, SUCH FUN! THE FORTUNE-TELLER'S COME! <i>DO</i> COME + AND HAVE YOUR FORTUNE TOLD!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>JEAMES'S SUMMARY.</h2> + + <h3><i>Or, Le Monde où l'on s'ennuie.</i></h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Now that the pageantry and the social stir evoked by + the presence of the Imperial guests are over, there are few + who will care to prolong the dreary and disappointing + existence either of the Season or of the + Session."—<i>The Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Jeames loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ya-a-a-w!</i> Yes, young man, you've 'it it + there, penny-a-liner as you may be,</p> + + <p>And knowing, probably, no more about <i>hus</i> than + a coster's baby;</p> + + <p>But dull it 'as been, and no kid, and dreary, too, + and disappinting;</p> + + <p>Is it this Sosherlistic rot Society is so + disjinting,</p> + + <p>The Hinfluenza, or Hard Times, them Hirish, or + wotever <i>is</i> it?</p> + + <p><i>I</i> couldn't 'ave 'eld on at all, I'm sure, but + for the HEMP'ROR's visit.</p> + + <p><i>Ya-a-a-w!</i> 'Ang it, 'ow I've got the gapes! + Bring us a quencher, you young Buttons!</p> + + <p>And mind it's cool, and with a 'ed! <i>Hour</i> + family is reg'lar gluttons</p> + + <p>For "Soshal Stir." The guv'nor, he's a rising Tory + M.P., he is.</p> + + <p>And Missis all the Season through as busy as a + bloomin' bee is,</p> + + <p>A gathering Fashion's honey up from every hopening + flower. <i>That's</i> natty.</p> + + <p>I <i>'ave</i> a turn for poetry; you're quite right + there, my pretty PATTY.</p> + + <p>Lor! 'ow that gal admires these carves! But that's + "irrevelant," as the sayin' is;</p> + + <p>Master and Missis both complain 'ow dull and slow + the game they're playin' is.</p> + + <p>The Session? Yah! Give me the days, the dear old + days of darling DIZZY!</p> + + <p>With him and GLADSTONE on the job a chap + <i>could</i> say "Now we are busy."</p> + + <p>But SMITH's a slug, 'ARCOURT's a hum, and LABBY + makes a chap go squirmish.</p> + + <p>Dull as ditchwater the whole thing. One longs e'en + for a Hirish skirmish;</p> + + <p>But PARNELL's <i>fo par</i>, and his spite, 'ave + knocked the sparkle out of PADDY.</p> + + <p>No; Parlyment's a played-out fraud, flabby and + footy, flat and faddy.</p> + + <p>The Season's similar. Season? Bah? By sech a name it + ain't worth calling.</p> + + <p>Shoulders like these and carves like those was not + <i>quite</i> made for pantry-sprawling;</p> + + <p>But wot's the use? Trot myself hout for 'Ebrews, or + some tuppenny kernel?</p> + + <p>No, not for JEAMES, if he is quite aweer of it! It's + just infernal,</p> + + <p>The Vulgar Mix that calls itself Society. All shoddy + slyness,</p> + + <p>And moneybags; a "blend" as might kontamernate a + Ryal 'Igness,</p> + + <p>Or infry-dig a Hemperor. It won't nick JEAMES + though, not percisely;</p> + + <p>Better to flop in solitude than to demean one's self + unwisely.</p> + + <p>Won't ketch <i>me</i> selling myself off. I must + confess my 'art it 'arrers</p> + + <p>To see the Strorberry-Leaves go cheap—like + strorberries on low coster's barrers!</p> + + <p>Tuppence a pound! Yes, that's the cry. It's + <i>cheapness</i>, that Rad fad, that's done it.</p> + + <p>Prime fruit <i>ought</i> to be scarce and dear, + picked careful, and <i>kept in the punnet</i>.</p> + + <p>The same with <i>all</i> chice things I 'old, + whether 'tis footmen's carves or peerages;</p> + + <p>But fools forget that good old rule in this yer + queerest of all queer ages.</p> + + <p>Trade bad, things in the City tight, no Court worth + mentioning, queer scandals,</p> + + <p>Socierty inwaded by a lot of jumped-up Goths and + Wandals;</p> + + <p>Swell-matches few, gurls' chances poor, late Spring, + and lots o' sloppy weather,</p> + + <p>With that there Hinfluenza—wich perhaps is wus + than all together—</p> + + <p>All over the dashed shop! When was a Season sech a + sell as this is?</p> + + <p>Wot wonder that it aggeravates us all, pertikler Me + and Missis?</p> + + <p>Ah! But for our "Himperial Guests" the <i>Times</i>' + young man names with sech feeling,</p> + + <p>I don't know wot I <i>should</i> 'ave done. A dismal + dulness seems a-stealing</p> + + <p>Afore its time o'er every think; and now Our + Guests's gone wot reason,</p> + + <p>As the <i>Times</i> sez, for trying to perlong the + Session or the Season?</p> + + <p><i>Ya-a-a-w!</i> I shall gape my 'ed off 'ere. The + Row's a bore, the 'Ouse a fetter.</p> + + <p>And now the HEMP'ROR's slung 'is 'ook, the sooner + <i>we</i> are horf the better!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A LUSUS NATURÆ.—A paragraph in the <i>P.M.G.</i>, the + other day, was headed, "A Lion Loose in a Circus." Bad enough. + But a still more extraordinary incident would have been <i>A + Lion "tight" in a Circus</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. CHAUNCY DEPEW, the well-known American barrister, + <i>raconteur</i>, and wit, is on his way to England. His visit + is on business; probably to head a Depewtation.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page43" + id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/43.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/43.png" + alt="JEAMES'S SUMMARY." /></a> + + <h3>JEAMES'S SUMMARY.</h3>JEAMES. "DULL SESSION! DULL + SEASON!—THINGS BAD IN THE CITY!—HINFLUENZA ALL + HOVER THE SHOP; AND, NOW THE HEMP'ROR'S GONE, THE SOONER + <i>WE'RE</i> HORF THE BETTER!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" + id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> + + <h2>A NEW ELECTION "LAY."</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, young Mrs. BRAND has gone down to the East!</p> + + <p>To give the Electors a musical feast,</p> + + <p>And save her fine treble she weapons has none;</p> + + <p>Yet she means with that voice that the seat shall be + won.</p> + + <p>So good at a lay, at a ballad so grand,</p> + + <p>There never was dame like the young Mrs. BRAND!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All boldly she's entered the Cambridgeshire + halls,</p> + + <p>'Mid the squires, and the parsons, the farmers, and + thralls!</p> + + <p>Said DUNCAN, the foeman, "My friends, on my + word,</p> + + <p>Of a stranger proceeding I never have heard.</p> + + <p>I don't wish to be rude, but I <i>can't</i> + understand</p> + + <p>What you mean by this singing, oh young Mrs. + BRAND!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You need not suspect me," the lady replied;</p> + + <p>"I care not how flows the electoral tide,</p> + + <p>I merely have come down to Wisbech to-day</p> + + <p>To sing a few stanzas, trill one little lay.</p> + + <p>I am tired of long speeches, Home-Rule I can't + stand,</p> + + <p>But I <i>do</i> enjoy singing"—quoth young + Mrs. BRAND.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So lovely her voice, so bewitching her grace,</p> + + <p>Such a treat—or such treating:—did never + take place.</p> + + <p>While the Primrose Dames fretted, the Unionists + fumed,</p> + + <p>She merely the thread of her roundel resumed;</p> + + <p>And the Duncanites whispered—"'Tis most + underhand!</p> + + <p>We must send for a songstress to match Mrs. + BRAND."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A change in her theme! She has altered the bar</p> + + <p>To <i>Kathleen Mavourneen</i> and + <i>Erin-go-bragh!</i></p> + + <p>Spell-bound stand the rustics; she's won the whole + throng!</p> + + <p>To the lady they've given their votes "for a + song."</p> + + <p>"'Twill be ours, will the seat—'tis the plot I + have planned!</p> + + <p>Oh, Music hath charms!"—exclaimed young Mrs. + BRAND.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There is mourning mid folk of the Wire-pulling + Clan;</p> + + <p>Agents, Managers, Chairmen, are wild to a man,</p> + + <p>For the Cambridgeshire precedent means that their + calling</p> + + <p>Has passed to the ladies excelling + in—squalling!</p> + + <p>"Free teaching" has come, and "Free Music"'s at + hand;</p> + + <p>Which we owe to the courage of young Mrs. BRAND.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/45-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45-1.png" + alt="'JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT.'" /></a> + + <h3>"JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT."</h3>(<i>As sung sweetly by a + Public-House-Baritone.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SMOKED OFF!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Appeal from the Knife-board of a City + Omnibus.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The latest complaint of "the Ladies" is that they are + being "smoked off" the tops of the omnibuses.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/45-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45-2.png" + alt="Smoked off!" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The "knife-board," sacred once to broad male + feet,</p> + + <p class="i2">The "Happy Garden Seat,"</p> + + <p>Invaded now by the non-smoking sex,</p> + + <p class="i2">Virginal scruples vex,</p> + + <p>And matronly anathemas assail.</p> + + <p class="i2">Alas! and what avail</p> + + <p>Man's immunities of time or place?</p> + + <p class="i2">The sweet she-creatures chase</p> + + <p>From all old coigns of vantage harried man.</p> + + <p class="i2">In vain, how vain to ban</p> + + <p>Beauty from billiard-room or—Morning Bus</p> + + <p class="i2">What use to fume or fuss?</p> + + <p>And yet, and yet indeed it is no joke!</p> + + <p class="i2">Where <i>shall</i> one get a smoke</p> + + <p>Without annoying Shes with our cheroots,</p> + + <p class="i2">And being badged as "brutes"?</p> + + <p>If a poor fellow may not snatch a whiff</p> + + <p class="i2">(Without the feminine sniff)</p> + + <p>Upon the "Bus-roof," where in thunder's name</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Shall</i> he draw that same!</p> + + <p>The ladies, climb, sit, suffocate, and scoff,</p> + + <p class="i2">Declare <i>they</i> are "smoked off,"</p> + + <p>Is there no room inside? If smoke means Hades,</p> + + <p class="i2">We, "to oblige the ladies,"</p> + + <p>Have taken outside seats this many a year,</p> + + <p class="i2">Cold, but with weeds to cheer</p> + + <p>Our macintosh-enswathed umbrella'd bodies;</p> + + <p class="i2">Now we are called churl-noddies</p> + + <p>Because we puff the humble briar-root.</p> + + <p class="i2">Is man indeed a "brute"</p> + + <p>Because he may upon the knife-board's rack owe</p> + + <p class="i2">Some solace to Tobacco?</p> + + <p>If so it be, then man's last, only chance,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is in the full advance</p> + + <p>Of the "emancipated" sex. Sweet elves,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Pray learn to smoke + yourselves!</i></p> + + <p>Don't crowd us out, don't snub, and sneer, and + sniff,</p> + + <p class="i2">But—join us in a whiff!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A SHILLING IN THE POUND WISE.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—As the School Board rate has already + touched a shilling, and seems likely to go even higher, why + should not some of our money be expended in teaching the young + idea of the lower classes how to develop into more valuable + citizens than they seem likely to become under present + conditions? To carry out this idea, I jot down a few questions + to be put to a School-Board scholar before the granting of the + customary certificates:—</p> + + <p>1. Describe the formation of a Regiment, and explain its + position and duties in Brigade.</p> + + <p>2. What are the duties of a Special Constable?</p> + + <p>3. How would you set about putting horses into a + fire-engine?</p> + + <p>4. Describe the process of resuscitating a person apparently + drowned. How would you revive a person rendered insensible by + (1) cold, (2) by sunstroke.</p> + + <p>5. Give simple remedies to be applied at once in case of + bites by a mad dog, accidental poisoning by arsenic, and + swallowing of spurious coin.</p> + + <p>6. How would you set, (1) a leg, (2) an arm, (3) a broken + finger? If a man is run over by a Hansom, what should you do? + Describe an excellent substitute for a litter, when you can + obtain nothing better.</p> + + <p>7. State shortly what you consider your duty would be, (1) + were the country invaded, (2) were London in the hands of the + mob, (3) were your neighbourhood visited by fire, and decimated + by the plague.</p> + + <p>There, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, if every School-Board scholar could + supply satisfactory answers to the above questions, I would not + grudge my shilling in the pound—nay, possibly look with + equanimity on eighteenpence!—Yours, cordially,</p> + + <p class="author">ONE WHO IS SCHOOL-BORED.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" + id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/46.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/46.png" + alt="CRICKET AT LORD'S. THE LUNCHEON-TIME." /></a> + + <h3>CRICKET AT LORD'S. THE LUNCHEON-TIME.</h3>(<i>By Our + Special Instantaneous Photographic Caricaturist.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page47" + id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/47-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-1.png" + alt="'URBI ET ORBI.'" /></a> + + <h3>"URBI ET ORBI."</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH RETURNS HIS BEST THANKS TO ALL AND SINGULAR, + THE PUBLIC AND THE PRESS, FOR THE ENTHUSIASTIC RECEPTION + WITH WHICH THE TOAST OF HIS JUBILEE, EVERYWHERE AND BY + EVERYBODY, HAS BEEN RECEIVED. TO EVERYONE HEALTH AND + HAPPINESS, PEACE AND PROSPERITY.</p> + + <p class="author">PUNCH.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July</i> 13. Emperor WILLIAM + leaves to-day having taken affectionate farewell of Grandmamma. + On the whole been most successful visit. Weather a little + Frenchy in its tendency, but not all rain and thunder. If + things could only have been kept comfortable to last moment + there need have been nothing to mar success of event. + Unfortunately, TANNER's active brain discovered opportunity of + casting a stone at head of departing EMPEROR. Looking in at + Charing Cross Telegraph Office, intending to send + sixpenny-worth of genial remark to his late esteemed Leader + PARNELL on result of Carlow election, TANNER observed + "Gutknecht" on shaft of lead pencil gratuitously provided. Much + puzzled at this; thought at first it was RAIKES's way of + spelling good night; found on inquiry it was German.</p> + + <p>TANNER's patriotic bosom filled with storm of indignation. + "What!" he cried, apostrophising the absent RAIKES, "at a time + when trade is declining, Ireland is unhappy, strikes are + rampant, and human misery seems to have reached its bitterest + point, at such a time it might be hoped you would have given up + your days and nights to ameliorating the common lot, instead of + which you go about importing lead pencils made in Germany, and + so taking the very bread out of the mouth of the British + Workman."</p> + + <p>Might have asked question on subject a week ago when he made + discovery; adroitly put it down for to-night; and so whilst + Emperor WILLIAM was taking leave of Grandmamma in the stately + halls of Windsor, TANNER was flinging a lead pencil at his + retreating figure, stabbing him, so to speak, in the Imperial + back with a commercial product retailed at the inconsiderable + price of twopence-halfpenny a dozen.</p> + + <p>With some sense of relief House got into Committee of + Supply. Various questions brought up on Colonial Vote. P. and + O. SUTHERLAND championed claims of Singapore for deliverance + from arbitrary conduct of Government in levying military + contributions. Doesn't often take part in Debate; showed + to-night that abstention is not due to lack of debating + faculty. Set forth case of his clients in clear business-like + speech, which commanded attention of audience, for whom topic + itself not particularly attractive.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/47-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-2.png" + alt="'A Bad Sixpence.'" /></a>"A Bad Sixpence." + </div> + + <p>"SUTHERLAND," said the Member for Sark, one of his most + attentive listeners, "has introduced a new element into + Parliamentary oratory. His intercurrent cough is the most + remarkable adjunct to oratory I ever heard. Suppose the fact + is, when he pauses, he is thinking over the next word, or + surveying for a new line of argument. Other men would consult + their notes. P. and O. indulges in a kind of clearing of his + throat, a compromise between a cough and an articulate + remark—commanding, conciliatory, threatening, beseeching, + or convincing, according as the exigencies of the moment + require. As a work of art, the only contemporary thing equal to + it that I know, and that, of course, in quite a different way, + is some of the bye-play of the old gentleman in <i>L'Enfant + Prodigue</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Met CHAPLIN just now, striding along + corridor, mopping his statesmanlike brow with a bandana that + would, on emergency, serve as foresail for one of the + cattle-carrying steamers just now troubling the Minister for + Agriculture.</p> + + <p>"Anything gone wrong?" I asked, for it was impossible to be + blind to his evident trepidation.</p> + + <p>"No, dear boy, it's all right as it turns out, but it might + have been otherwise. What do you think? LABBY's positively been + moving the reduction of the Vote by the amount of my salary! + Shouldn't have been surprised if some Member had got up, and, + in neat speech, dilating on the enormous forward strides made + by the Empire since Ministry of Agriculture was created, moved + to double my screw. But to go and propose to dock it altogether + at the end of the first year is, if I may say so, not + encouraging."</p> + + <p>"Oh," I said, "you mustn't mind SAGE of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE; + his bark is worse than his bite."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I know," said CHAPLIN; "but I should be obliged to him + if he'd bark at someone else's heels. Not, mind you, that I + care so much about the money question. Between you and me + (though don't let it go further, or they might be holding me to + my bargain), I would rather pay £2000 a year than not have a + seat on the Treasury Bench in charge of a department. You've + never tasted the delight of standing up in a full House and + reading out answer to a question, whilst all the world hangs on + your lips. Nor have you ever drunk the deep delight of + explaining a Bill, or replying on behalf of HER MAJESTY's + Government to an Amendment. The joy is all the greater to me, + since it is newly acquired. For years I sat below the Gangway, + striving to catch the SPEAKER's eye in competition with the + herd, and when I succeeded Members either howled at me or left + the House. Now I speak without waiting for the SPEAKER's call, + and the House listens attentively to the utterances of the + Minister for Agriculture. That's better than salary paid + quarterly: worth paying for as I say. Still it's not pleasant + to have LABBY seriously proposing to stop your wages. Wish he'd + try it on someone else. There's PLUNKET for example; must put + him up in that quarter."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Committee of Supply.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/47-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-3.png" + alt="A Salmon Fisher." /></a>A Salmon Fisher. + </div> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—A long dull night varied by + occasional squalls. An immense relief to Hon. Members, after + sitting through an hour discussing Alienation of Crown Rights + in Salmon Fishing in Scotland, on which CALDWELL delivers + discourse, to have opportunity of exercising their lungs. + MORTON a benefactor in this respect. As soon as ALPHEUS + CLEOPHAS is discovered on his feet there goes forth a howl that + shakes the building. To-night rather awkward circumstance + followed. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rising for the eighth time, Members + broke forth into agonised howl that lasted several minutes. Was + stopped by sudden commotion + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page48" + id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span> at the Bar. Engineer PRIM + rushed wildly in, gesticulating towards the astonished + Chair, and disappeared. A body of workmen appearing + mysteriously from depths beneath House, tumultuously crossed + the doorway, and also vanished. Presently news came that + flood of water was raging down staircase; gradually truth + got at; a large water-main had burst in Upper Committee + Corridor; cracked at startling sound of outburst upon + ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS's re-appearance.</p> + + <p>"This is all very well," said PLUNKET. "I am myself no + enthusiastic admirer of MORTON's Parliamentary eloquence. + Still, as First Commissioner of Works, I feel this thing must + be discouraged. Must draw the line somewhere. Can't have our + water-mains bursting with vicarious indignation because MORTON + would speak eight times in Committee of Supply."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—In Lords to-night, STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, + L.C.C., gave fresh advertisement to CALDERON's picture, "<i>St. + Elizabeth of Hungary.</i>" Not a pleasant subject, from any + point of view, artistic or moral. Everybody but well-meaning + people like STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, glad to drop it. He brings it + forward at this late day; tries to make the MARKISS responsible + for whole business. The MARKISS protests that STANLEY has had + the advantage of him; hasn't even seen the picture. "The only + idea I have been able to form of it," he said to delighted + House, "is derived from a picture in <i>Punch</i>, in which + <i>ZÆO</i> is showing her back to the Members of the County + Council." Lords don't often indulge in hearty laughter; this + too much for them, and STANLEY OF ALDERLEY temporarily + extinguished, amid almost uproarious mirth.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Supply in Commons.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HIT AND MISS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[At Bisley, Miss LEALE, of Guernsey, has shot with + considerable success. Miss LEALE, though only nineteen + years old, is a shooting member of the National Rifle + Association, and has won several prizes at the meetings of + the Guernsey Rifle Association.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Whirligig of Time! Its latest turn see</p> + + <p>In this phenomenon who hails from Guernsey.</p> + + <p>We've often met, at pic-nics or at dances,</p> + + <p>Young ladies who were good at + shooting—glances!</p> + + <p>And glances that, alas! have often filled us</p> + + <p>With tender feelings, if they have not killed + us.</p> + + <p>We've met fair maidens, who have found it + pleasant</p> + + <p>To tramp the moors for grouse, or shoot at + pheasant;</p> + + <p>Of some indeed who've had a go at grisly;</p> + + <p>But never—until now—of one at + Bisley.</p> + + <p>Yet there she is, and whilst her sisters, + sitting</p> + + <p>At home, may spend their leisure time in + knitting,</p> + + <p><i>She</i> sits and shoots, nor does she very far + get</p> + + <p>From where she aims, the centre of the target.</p> + + <p>Take off your hats to her as now we name + her,—Miss</p> + + <p>LEALE, of Guernsey! Gladly we acclaim her</p> + + <p>For Womankind (triumphant in the Schools) high</p> + + <p>Renown henceforth will look for in the + bull's-eye,</p> + + <p>And, tired of tennis, having quite with thimble + done,</p> + + <p>Will strive for laurels at the Modern Wimbledon!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MONTI THE MATADOR.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Originally intended for the F-rtn-ghtly + R-v-w.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"Yes, I'm better, and the Doctor tells me I've escaped once + more. That Doctor hates you—I know it. He has saved + me—to tell you the story—The story <i>I</i> have + been trying to tell to some one for thirty years."</p> + + <p>I was talking to Old MONTI, whose full name was MONTI DI + PIETA—as a pledge of his respectability. He was a + descendant of the Pornbrocheros del Treballos d'Oro. He was + subsequently called Monkey—as a tribute to his + character.</p> + + <p>"I should like you to tell me," I said, "for you must know + that for years I have seen the snows on the Lagartigo, and the + moonlight on the—"</p> + + <p>"Stop!" he cried—"you are going to begin padding. That + will do for a magazine, not for me!" and he snapped his fingers + at me.</p> + + <p>But I was not to be put off. He was weak—a + cripple—and I gave him the choice of listening to a + personally-conducted tour in the South of Spain, or relating + his adventures.</p> + + <p>"I will have my revenge!" he muttered. "You shall hear my + life from the beginning. You must know, then, that sixty years + ago I was born, and—"</p> + + <p>"Yes," I returned, interrupting him—"of poor parents. + Your father was coarse, your mother pious. You learned all you + could about bulls, which you kept from your father, and you + were ultimately engaged as a bull-fighter—"</p> + + <p>"Stop, stop!" he cried. "If you cut out about a dozen pages + of my biography, at least let me explain how I saved my father. + You must know—"</p> + + <p>"I will do it for you in a line," I said, sharply. "Your + father lost his temper, and tried bullying the bull (no joke), + and you winked at the animal. He knew you, and stood still. The + bull went for your father—you for the bull. Drive + on!"</p> + + <p>"Let me tell you then, how I prepared myself for the Ring by + practising on a dummy bull.—I had no difficulty in + sticking pins into it—it was quite calm. Then I tried the + same game on a sheep, and got knocked down for my pains! One of + my monkey tricks! Then I got acquainted with some Irish bulls, + and letting them off on my friends got several thumps on the + head."</p> + + <p>"No," I interrupted him sternly, "get on with your + story."</p> + + <p>"Well, at length I met JUAN at the beginning of May."</p> + + <p>"Make it first of April," I said, severely.</p> + + <p>"He was the Toreador out of <i>Carmen</i>, to put it + shortly," he continued, not deigning to notice my + interruption—"and he introduced me to the bull-fight. Of + course I had to pay my footing (a very uncertain one) in + <i>duros</i>, or hard cash. Then every morning I ate a + <i>chuto</i> (a sort of small cabbage) at my dinner—then + they tried me as a <i>capa</i>, to test (so they said) my + capability. The chief patron was the Duke of MEDICINA, who in + early youth had been a doctor—hence his title—and I + shall never forget his first greeting."</p> + + <p>"Your story!" I interrupted, sternly, finding that the old + man was once more becoming tedious.</p> + + <p>"I returned," replied the dotard, with a senile chuckle, + "that he was wrong. His answer was beyond my meaning—he + muttered something about 'mutton and <i>capa</i> sauce.' I was + engaged," continued the dotard, with a feeble grin, "as a + <i>capa</i> for seventy years certain, with an annual benefit + once in four years, with a salary of forty-two thousand a + year—which in those days seemed to me to be a small + fortune."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:38%;"> + <a href="images/48.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/48.png" + alt="'They made an Idol of me.'" /></a>"They made an + Idol of me." + </div> + + <p>"They are wretchedly paid in Spain," I observed.</p> + + <p>"They are," he acquiesced. "I was paid a week in advance, + and have lived upon the proceeds ever since. And now my life + was indeed a merry one. I was free of the Ring. Now I played + the cornet in the <i>Brassos Banderillos</i>, and my + performance pleased the <i>aficionados</i> (or advertising + agents) so well, that my name was known throughout the + Peninsula."</p> + + <p>"Well," once more I interrupted, "I suppose you met a + Spanish beauty, fell in love with her, and was cut out by a + party of the name of JUAN?"</p> + + <p>"However do you think of such clever things?" asked the old + man, in a tone of extreme astonishment. "But you are right. I + placed CLEMENCIA one day in the <i>pal co</i> (or part reserved + for friends), and the bull tossed me. Ah, she trampled upon + me—treated me like a mat. But I loved her and adored + myself. Hence I was called a 'Mat-Adorer.' I repeat, the bull + tossed me, and I did not come down heads."</p> + + <p>"Go on."</p> + + <p>"I was ill, and neglected, but soon recovered sufficiently + to kill sixty-six bulls in succession."</p> + + <p>"Surely you are exaggerating?"</p> + + <p>"You are perfectly right," he answered, with a blush. "I + killed sixty-five—the sixty-sixth was only mortally + wounded. And now the people made an idol of me. I was + absolutely worshipped"—</p> + + <p>"Come to the point," I said, in a tone that showed I was not + to be trifled with.</p> + + <p>"No <i>that</i> was the fate of JUAN. At the end of a game + of <i>toros</i> (which is Spanish for marbles) he said to me + (in excellent Spanish), 'MONTI, me bhoy, philaloo! ye will + shtay by me?' 'That will I—as shure as me name is + TIM—I should say MONTI,' I responded, in choice + Castilian. The bull came up, I looked him in the eye, raised my + <i>shillalo</i> (a short Spanish club), and, crying 'Whist!' he + cut for partners. JUAN was cut a deal."</p> + + <p>"That bull was a ripper," I murmured.</p> + + <p>"Bedad he was that, Sorr," returned the dotard, whose + Spanish became more and more Castilian every moment. "CLEMENICA + died the next morning. But I am remorseful—that I did not + kill her myself. And now I have had my revenge! I have told ye + the story! I know you—your name's H-A-R-"—</p> + + <p>He gave a gasp and died.</p> + + <p>But I too had <i>my</i> revenge. I sent the tale I had just + heard to the <i>F-rtn-ghtly R-v-w</i>.</p> + + <p class="author">M.F.H.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, July 25, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13465-h.htm or 13465-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/4/6/13465/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, July 25, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 15, 2004 [EBook #13465] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 25, 1891. + + + + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration: _Amonasro_ (_the Black King_). "I am your father. I've +kept myself dark so long that I've become quite black!" + +_Aïda_ (_the White Maiden_). "Oh! go away, black man; don't come anigh +me!! You ought to be _Otello_ to-morrow night." + +_Little Ravelli-Radames_ (_aside_). "No matter what colour, I love +her!!"] + +[Illustration: Covent Garden Stars seen through the Harriscope.] + +_Tuesday, July 14_.--Madame NORDICA is not at her best as _Aïda_. It +lacks colour--that is on the face and hands, where at least should +be shown some more "colourable pretence" for being the daughter of so +blackened a character as is her father _Amonasro_, played as a villain +of the deepest dye by M. DEVOYOD. When the celebrated march was +heard, the players didn't seem particularly strong in trumps, and the +trumpets giving a somewhat "uncertain sound,"--a trifle husky, as if +they'd caught cold,--somewhat marred the usually thrilling effect. +Gorgeous scene; and RAVELLI the Reliable as _Radames_ quite the +success of the evening. Mlle. GUERCIA as _Amneris_ seemed to have +made up after an old steel plate in a bygone Book of Beauty. Where +are those Books of Beauty now! And _The Keepsake_? Where the +pseudo-Byronic poetry and the short stories by Mrs. NAMBY and Mr. +PAMBY? But this is only a marginal note, not in the Operatic score. +Signor ABRAMOFF was a powerful _Ramphis_, his make-up suggesting +that his title would be more appropriately _Rumfiz_,--which would +be an excellent Egyptian name. Very good House, but still suffering +from reaction after Imperial visit, and not to recover itself till +to-morrow, _Wednesday_, when the House is crowded with a brilliant +audience to hear a brilliant performance of _Otello. The Grand Otello +Co. Covent Garden, Limited_. Thoroughly artistic performance of _Iago_ +by M. MAUREL. His wicked "Credo" more diabolically malicious than +ever it was at the Lyceum; an uncanny but distinctly striking effect. +Then DRURIOLANUS ASTRONOMICUS gave us a scenic startler in the way +of imitation meteoric effect. 'Twas on this wise: of course, neither +DRURIOLANUS nor any other Manager can carry on an operatic season +without stars, and so they are here, a galaxy of 'em, up above, on +the "back cloth," as it is technically termed, shining brilliantly but +spasmodically, strange portents in the operatic sky. Pity Astronomer +Royal not here to see and note the fact. Next time _Otello_ is given, +if this atmospheric effect is to be repeated, the attendants in the +lobbies might be permitted to supply powerful telescopes at a small +fixed charge. But the greatest star of all is Madame ALBANI as +_Desdemona_; a triumph dramatically and operatically. Her song in the +last Act, the celebrated "_Willow Song_"--which of course no cricketer +ought to miss hearing--was most beautifully and touchingly rendered. +Those persons suffering from the heat of a crowded house, and dreading +the difficulty of finding their "keb or kerridge" in good time, and +who therefore quitted their seats before ALBANI sang the "_Willow +Song_," must, perforce, sing the old refrain, "_O Willow, we have +missed you!_" and go back for it whenever this Opera is played again. +M. JEAN DE RESZKÉ was not, perhaps, quite up to his usual form, or his +usual former self; but, for all that, he justified his responsibility +as one of the largest shareholders in the Grand Otello Company, +Limited. All things considered, and the last best thing being +invariably quite the best, _Otello, or Symphonies in Black and White_, +is about the biggest success of the season. + + + * * * * * + +TO AMANDA. + +[Illustration] + +(_ACCOMPANYING A SET OF VERSES WHICH SHE BADE ME WRITE._) + + Only a trifle, though, i' faith, 'tis smart, + A _jeu d'esprit_, not art concealing art, + Fruition of a moment's fantasy, + Mere mental bubbles, verbal filagree. + + But, though thy lightest wish I would not thwart, + I prithee bid me play some other part + Another time, and I will give thee _carte + Blanche_ to dictate; in truth aught else will be + Only a trifle, + Compared with versifying. I will dart, + At thy behest, e'en to the public mart + To buy a bonnet, or will gleefully + Carry a babe through Bond Street. My sole plea + Is--no more verses. Surely 'tis, sweetheart, + Only a trifle. + + * * * * * + +SUPPLEMENTARY AND CORRECTIVE.--In his Jubilee Number Mr. PUNCH +remarked, "Merely to mention _all_ the bright pens and pencils which +have occasionally contributed to my pages would occupy much space." +And space then was limited. But among the "Great Unnamed" _should_ +assuredly have been mentioned W.H. WILLS, one of the originators of +Mr. PUNCH's publication, CLEMENT SCOTT the flowing lyrist, and author +of "The Cry of the Children," &c., ASHBY STERRY of "Lazy Minstrel" +fame, and "ROBERT," the genial garrulous "City Waiter," whilst the +names of J.P. ("Dumb-Crambo") ATKINSON, and E.J. WHEELER, were omitted +by the purest accident. The late H.J. BYRON contributed a series +of papers. Mr. PUNCH hastens to put them--as he would gladly some +others--"on the list," since, of no one of them, could it be truly +said "he never would be missed." "HALBOT" was a misprint for "HABLÔT," +"MAGUIN HANNAY" should read "MAGINN, HANNAY, &c.," and for "_GEORGE_ +SILVER" read "HENRY." + + * * * * * + +THE METROPOLITAN MINOTAUR; + +OR, THE LONDON LABYRINTH AND THE COUNTY COUNCIL THESEUS. + + ["Certainly, if some members of the London County Council have + their way, it will soon have plenty to occupy it without + being called upon to form a scheme of water-supply for the + Metropolis."--_The Times_.] + +[Illustration] + +_L.C.C. loquitur_:-- + + Bless me! Things combine so a hero to humble! + I fancied that Bull-headed Minotaur--BUMBLE, + Would fall to my hand like Pasiphae's monster + To Theseus. But oh! every step that I on stir + Bemuddles me more. I _did_ think myself clever, + But fear from the Centre I'm farther than ever, + Oh, this _is_ a Labyrinth! Worse than the Cretan! + Yet shall the new Theseus admit himself beaten? + Forbid it, great Progress! Your votary I, Ma'am, + But in this Big Maze it seems small use to try, Ma'am. + Mere roundaboutation's not Progress. Get forward? + Why eastward, and westward and southward, and nor'ward, + Big barriers stop me! Eh? Centralisation? + Demolish that monster, Maladministration, + Whose menaces fright the fair tower-crowned Maiden. + Most willingly, Madam; but look how I'm laden, + And hampered! Oh! I should be grateful to you, Ma'am, + If, like Ariadne, you'd give me a clue, Ma'am. + _I_'ll never--like treacherous Theseus--desert you; + My constancy's staunch, like my valour and virtue. + Through Fire, Water, Wilderness trackless I'll follow, + But astray in a Maze high ambition seems hollow! + + * * * * * + +WATERLOO TO WEYBRIDGE. + +BY THE 6.5 P.M. + + A young man--it's no matter who-- + Hailed a cab and remarked "Waterloo!" + The driver, with bowed + Head, sobbed out aloud, + "Which station?" They frequently do. + + A poet once said that to Esher + The only good rhyme was "magnesher;" + This was not the fact, + And he had to retract, + Which he did--he retracted with plesher. + + A fancier cried: "There's one fault on + The part of the sparrows at Walton; + And that's why I fail + To put salt on their tail-- + The birds have no tails to put salt on." + + The dulness of riding to Weybridge + Pleasant chat (mind the accent) may _a_bridge, + But not when it deals + With detaching of wheels, + Collisions, explosions, and Tay Bridge. + + * * * * * + +THE STOLEN PICTURES.--The _Débats_ informed us, last week, that the +thief who stole TENIERS' pictures from the Museum at Rennes has been +discovered. His punishment should "fit the crime," as Mr. GILBERT's +_Mikado_ used to say, and therefore he ought to be sentenced to penal +servitude for _Ten years_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION. + +_Dick_ (_who hasn't sold a single Picture this year_). "AND AS FOR +THE BEASTLY BRITISH PUBLIC, NOTHING REALLY GOOD _EVER_ GOES DOWN WITH +IT--NOTHING BUT VULGAR ROT!" + +_Tom_ (_who has sold every Picture he has painted_). "OH, BOSH AND +GAMMON, MY DEAR FELLOW. GOOD HONEST WORK IS _ALWAYS_ SURE OF ITS +MARKET--AND ITS _PRICE_!" + +[_Next year their luck will be reversed, and also their opinions of +the B.P._] + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Wednesday, June 11th_.--Left Billsbury last Saturday, having in DICKY +DIKES's words "broken the back of the blooming canvas." During my +last night's round we went into a small house in one of the slums. The +husband was out, but the wife and family were all gathered together +in the back room. There were five children, ranging in age from ten +down to two, and the mother looked the very picture of slatternly +discomfort. We asked the usual questions, and I was just turning to +go, when I heard a violent fit of convulsive coughing from a dark +corner. The mother got up and went to the corner. I couldn't help +following, and saw the most miserable spectacle I ever set eyes on. In +a sort of cradle was lying the smallest, frailest and most absolutely +pinched and colourless baby choking with every cough, and gasping +horribly for breath. I don't know what I said, but the mother turned +to DIKES and said, "He haven't much longer to cough. I shall want the +undertakers for him soon." I asked her if nothing could be done, but +she merely replied, "It'll be better so. We've too many mouths to feed +without him." I couldn't stay longer after that, but fairly bolted out +of the house. + +Our people are jubilant about our prospects. The canvas shows, they +say, a steady increase in our favour, the registrations have been +uniformly good, and, best of all, Sir THOMAS CHUBSON again voted and +spoke on the wrong side, when the Billsbury Main Drainage Bill came on +for Second Reading in the House the other day. Our point is of course +that, if this scheme were carried out, there would be a great deal of +work for Billsbury labourers, and, somehow or other, a large amount +of money would be spent in the town. We have rubbed this well in at +every meeting we have held lately, and found it a most effective +point during the canvas. CHUBSON and the Radicals talk about a great +increase of the rates which would follow on it; but we pooh-pooh this, +and point out that the ultimate saving would be enormous, and that the +health of the town must be benefited. They don't like the business at +all, and feel they've made a mistake. + +Have been made on successive nights a Druid, a Forester, and a Loyal +and Ancient Shepherd. All these three are Benefit Societies, and the +mysteries of initiation into each are very similar. Colonel CHORKLE +(who ought to have gone through the business long ago) was made a +Druid with me. I never saw anybody so nervous. All the courage of +all the CHORKLES seemed to have deserted him, and he trembled like a +Volunteer aspen. I told Major WORBOYS on the following day that his +Colonel, who I was sure might be trusted to face a hostile battery +without flinching, had been very nervous when he was made a Druid. +WORBOYS sneered, and said that he'd be willing to take his chance of +CHORKLE's facing the battery or not, if CHORKLE would only learn to +ride decently. "Give you my word of honour," said WORBOYS, "when the +General inspected us last year, CHORKLE's horse ran away with him +three times, and at last we had to march past without him. One of the +tamest horses in the world, too. My boy JACK rides it constantly." But +WORBOYS despises CHORKLE, and thinks he ought to command the regiment +himself. He spread it all over Billsbury that CHORKLE was found hiding +under a table when he was summoned to be initiated, and was dragged +out screaming piteously for mercy. + +On my last morning I was interviewed by a deputation from the +Billsbury Branch of The Women's Suffrage League. The deputation +consisted of Mrs. BOSER, the President of the Branch, Miss AMY +GINGELL, the Secretary, and two others. It was a trying business. Mrs. +BOSER is the most formidable person I ever met. I felt like a babe +in her hands after she had glowered at me for five minutes. Finally +I found myself, rather to my own astonishment, promising to vote for +a Women's Suffrage Bill, and adding that Mrs. BOSER's arguments had +convinced me that justice had in this matter been too long denied to +women, and that for my part, if elected, I should lose no opportunity +of recording my vote on the side of women. They seemed pleased, +but the _Meteor_ of the next day had a frightful leader about the +"shameful want of moral fibre in a Conservative Candidate who was thus +content to put the whole Constitution into the melting-pot, if by so +doing he could only secure a few stray votes, and get the help of the +women in his coal-and-blanket expeditions." + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. I. + + SCENE--_An Excursion Agents' Offices. Behind the counters + polite and patient Clerks are besieged by a crowd of Intending + Tourists, all asking questions at once._ + +_First Int. T._ Here--have you made out that estimate for me yet? + +_Clerk_. In one moment, Sir. (_He refers to a list, turns over +innumerable books, jots down columns of francs, marks, and florins; +reduces them to English money, and adds them up._) First class fares +on the Rhine, Danube and Black Sea steamers, I think you said, second +class rail, and postwagen? + +_First Int. T._ I did say so, I believe; but it had better be second +class all through, and I can always pay the difference if I want to. + + [_The Clerk alters the sums accordingly, and adds up again._ + +_Clerk_. Fifty-five pounds fourteen and a penny, Sir. Shall I make you +put the tickets now? + +_First Int. T._ Um, no. On second thoughts, I'd like to see one of +your short Circular Tours for the English Lakes, or Wales, before I +decide. + + [_The Clerk hands him a quantity of leaflets, with which he + retires._ + + _Enter Mr. CLARENDON CULCHARD, age about twenty-eight; in + Somerset House; tall; clean-shaven, wears glasses, stoops + slightly, dresses carefully, though his tall hat is of the + last fashion but two. He looks about him expectantly, and then + sits down to wait._ + +_Culchard_ (_to himself_). No sign of him yet! I _do_ like a man to +keep an appointment. If this is the way he _begins_--I have my doubts +whether he is _quite_ the sort of fellow to--but I took the precaution +to ask HUGH ROSE about him, and ROSE said he was the best company in +the world, and I couldn't help getting on with him. I don't think +ROSE would deceive me. And from all I've seen of PODBURY, he seems +a pleasant fellow enough. What a Babel! All these people bent on +pleasure, going to seek it in as many directions--with what success no +one can predict. There's an idea for a sonnet there. + + [_He brings out a pocket-book, and begins to write--"As when + a--"_ + +_An Amurrcan Citizen_ (_to_ Clerk). See here, I've been around with +your tickets in Yurrup, and when I was at Vernis, I bought some goods +at a store there, and paid cash down for 'em, and they promised to +send 'em on for me right here, and that was last fall, and I've never +heard any more of 'em, and what I want _you_ should do now is to +instruct your representative at Vernis to go round and hev a talk with +that man, and ask him what in thunder he means by it, and kinder hint +that he'll hev the Amurrcan Consul in his hair pretty smart, if he +don't look slippier! + + [_The Clerk mildly suggests that it would be better to + communicate directly with the American Consulate, or with + the tradesman himself._ + +_The A.C._ But hold on--how'm I goin' to write to that sharp, +when I've lost his address, and disremember his name? Can't you +mail a few particulars to your agent, so he'll identify him? No. +(_Disappointed._) Well, I thought you'd ha' fixed up a little thing +like that, anyhow; in my country they'd ha' done it right away. Yes, +_Sir_! [_He goes away in grieved surprise._ + +_Enter Mr. JAMES PODBURY, age twenty-six; in a City Office; +short, fresh-coloured, jaunty; close-cut fair hair, and small auburn +moustache. Not having been to the City to-day, he is wearing light +tweeds, and brown boots._ + +_Podbury_ (_to himself_). Just nicked it!--(_looks at clock_)--more or +less. And he doesn't seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall +hit it off together. HUGHIE ROSE said he was a capital good chap--when +you once got over his manner. Anyhow, it's a great tip to go abroad +with a fellow who knows the ropes. (_Suddenly sees CULCHARD absorbed +in his note-book._) So _here_ you are, eh? + +_Culchard_ (_slightly scandalised by the tweeds and the brown boots_). +Yes, I've been here some little time. I wish you could have managed to +come before, because they close early here to-day, and I wanted to go +thoroughly over the tour I sketched out before getting the tickets. +[_He produces an elaborate outline._ + +_Podbury_ (_easily_). Oh, _that's_ all right! I don't care where _I_ +go! All I want is, to see as much as we can in the time--leave all the +rest to you. I'll sit here while you get the tickets. + +_An Old Lady_ (_to Clerk, as CULCHARD_) _is waiting at the counter_). +Oh, I _beg_ your pardon, but _could_ you inform me if the 1'55 train +from Calais to Basle stops long enough for refreshments anywhere, and +when they examine the luggage, and if I can leave my handbag in the +carriage, and whether there is an English service at Yodeldorf, and +is it held in the hotel, and Evangelical, or High Church, and are the +sittings free, and what Hymn-book they use? + + [_The Clerk sets her mind free on as many of these points as + he can, and then attends to CULCHARD._ + +_Culchard_ (_returning to PODBURY with two cases bulging with books +of coloured coupons_). Here are yours. I should like you to run your +eye over them, and see that they are correct, if you don't mind. + +_Podbury_ (_stuffing them in his pocket_). Can't be bothered now. Take +your word for it. + +[Illustration: Yes, Sir!] + +_Culchard_. No--but considering that we start the first thing +to-morrow morning, wouldn't it be as well to have some idea of where +you're going? And, by the way, excuse me, but is it altogether prudent +to keep your tickets in an outside pocket like that? I always keep +mine, with my money, in a special case in an inner pocket, with a +buttoned nap--then I know I _can't_ lose them. + +_Podbury_. Anything for a quiet life! (_He examines his coupons._) +Dover to Ostend? Never been there--like to see what Ostend's like. But +why didn't you go by Calais?--_shorter_ you know. + +_Culchard_. Because I thought we'd see Bruges and Ghent on our way to +Brussels. + +_Podbury_. Bruges, eh? Capital! Anything particular going on there? +No? It don't matter. And Ghent--let's see, wasn't that where they +brought the good news to? Yes, we'll stop at Ghent--if we've time. +Then--Brussels? Good deal of work to be done there, I suppose, +sightseeing, and that? I like a place where you can moon about without +being bothered myself; now, at _Brussels_--never mind, I was only +thinking. + +_Culch._ It's the best place to get to Cologne and up the Rhine from. +Then, you see, we go rather out of our way to Nuremberg-- + +_Podbury_. Where they make toys? _I_ know--pretty festive there, eh? + +_Culch._ I don't know about festive--but it is--er--a quaint, +and highly interesting old place. Then I thought we'd dip down to +Constance, and strike across the Alps to the Italian Lakes. + +_Podbury_. Italian Lakes? First--rate! Yes, _they_'re worth seeing, I +suppose. Think they're better than the _Swiss_ ones, though? + +_Culch._ (_tolerantly_). I can get the coupons changed for +Switzerland, if you prefer it. The Swiss Lakes may be the more +picturesque. + +_Podbury_. Yes, we'll do Switzerland--and run back by Paris, eh? Not +much to do in Switzerland, though, after all! + +_Culch._ (_with a faintly superior smile_). There are one or two +mountains, I believe. But, personally, I should prefer Italy. + +_Podbury_. So should I. No fun in mountains--unless you go up 'em. +What do you think of choosing some quiet place, where nobody ever +goes--say in France or Germany--and, sticking to _that_. More of a +rest, wouldn't it be? such a bore having to know a lot; of people! + +_Culch._ I don't see how we can change _all_ the tickets, really. If +you like, we could stop a week at St. Goarshausen. + +_Podbury_. What's St. Goarshausen like--cheery? + +_Culch._ I understood the idea was to keep away from our fellow +countrymen, and as far as I can remember St. Goarshausen, it is not +overrun with tourists--we should be quiet enough _there_. + +_Podbury_. That's the place for _me_, then. Or could we push on to +Vienna? Never seen Vienna. + +_Culch._ If you like to give up Italy altogether. + +_Podbury_. What do you say to _beginning_ with Italy and working back? +Too hot, eh? Well, then, we'll let things be as they are--I daresay it +will do well enough. So _that's_ settled! + +_Culchard_ (_to himself on parting, after final arrangements +concluded_). I wish ROSE had warned me that PODBURY's habit of mind +was so painfully desultory. (_He sighs._) However-- + +_Podbury_ (_to himself_). Wonder now long I shall take to get over +CULCHARD's manner. (_He sighs._) I wish old HUGHIE was coming--he'd +give me a leg over! + + [_He walks on thoughtfully._ + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHERLAND. + +(_BY OUR OWN GRANDOLPH._) + +[Illustration: "Put out the light, and then--" Being the true story of +The Wonderful Lamp.] + +I pause in my communications. Friends, real friends, have wired +over accounts of me on the trip, which have not been written by +"friendlies." Somebody wrote to _Black and White_ what purported to +be Notes about me aboard the gallant _Grantully Castle_, than which +a better-found vessel--"found" is the word--never put to sea. This +somebody ("bless him!"--DR-MM-ND W-LFF will know what I mean) observes +that "he didn't notice" any particular gratitude on my part towards +Captain HAY and his talented assistants. Hay! what? why, confound +them, I was all gratitude! Is it because I did not run at him, embrace +him, and shake his arms off, that therefore I did not _feel_ grateful! +I was awfully grateful. I felt inclined to alter the name of the +vessel to the _Gratefully_ _Castle_. But "she" (you always call a +vessel "she"--isn't that nautical?) "is" as the song says "another's, +and never can be mine!" so I can't change her name. I was overpowered +by my feelings--and what does that mean but the swallowing, with a +gurgle in the throat, of the silent tear, and the avoidance of the +topic uppermost in one's mind at the moment. + +"The soldier leant upon his sword, and wiped away a tear"--but the +sailor didn't, _Verb. sap._ What did I do? Why, in my note of notes, +my Private Diary, I made this mem., "_Make Hay while the sun shines._" +Now what, I ask any unprejudiced person, what does this mean? If +Captain HAY were suddenly to be promoted in the hay-day of his +valuable career to be an Admiral, would he suspect that he owed this +elevation to the man who, strictly obeying the ship's orders, _never +even spoke to the man at the wheel_? Now to come to the next point. +This correspondent girds at my having had a special cabin and a +special steward. _Why!_ the envious grumbler! if he had been as +specially unwell as I was--but there, I own I lose patience with +him--didn't I go out as a "Special," and if a Special doesn't have +everything special about him, _he is simply obtaining money under +false pretences_. I've a great mind--I hear the jeerer snigger in his +sleeve--but I repeat emphatically I have a great mind to come back. +"He will return, I know him well," my traducers may sing; and I +shall return when I consider my special work specially done in my own +special manner, and be blowed to em all, the detractors! + +[Illustration: Grandolph confiding to the _Chef_ his secret receipt +for cooking a flying-fish.] + +He grumbles because I had _a special portable light_ all to myself, +"when I wanted to play cards." Aha! do we see the cloven hoof now? +Was I to play cards _in the dark_? Those who know me best know that I +am all fair and above-board, and no hole-and-corner gambling for me. +And what tale has he to tell? Why that "_Another night, not using his +special light at the time, two other passengers began a game of chess +under its rays._" Which they had no right whatever to do. But I winked +at it, and when the first officer was coming his rounds I winked +at _them_; but this friendly act on my part they did not heed, and +consequently _to save them from being put in irons_ and confined in +the deepest dungeon beneath the _Grantully Castle_ moat, I "_came +along just then_," as he reports, "_and removed the lamp to another +part of the deck, leaving the chess-players in the dark_"--as if this +consequence were anything extraordinary when a lamp is removed! Why +any schoolboy, the merest tyro in Scripture History, knows where the +great Hebrew Lawgiver was _when the candle went out_. And were these +passengers to be exempt from the action of Nature's ordinary laws! +Bah!--"_without a word of apology or explanation_." I _had_ winked, +but they were worse than blind horses, and more resembled the +inferior quadruped in obstinately refusing to move, or in subsequently +acknowledging this act of thoughtful kindness on my part. + +As to my eating for breakfast a flying-fish, which somebody on board +had caught and given me, all I ask is, _why shouldn't I?_ I never had +eaten a flying-fish before, and I don't think I ever shall again. If +the gentleman who caught it didn't want me to eat it, he should have +said so: for there were three courses open to him; viz., _first_, to +refuse to give it me; _secondly_, to give it me on condition that I +kept it in memory of the occasion; _thirdly_, to throw it back into +the sea. But there was only one course open to _me_ when I got it, +and that was the first course at breakfast; the second course was +kidgeree. It was a small fish _just enough for one_, and now I rather +fancy I remember this _Black and White_ correspondent, for it must +have been he, coming to my table, eyeing the fish, smacking his lips, +and observing that _he_ "had never had the chance of tasting a fried +flying-fish." At that moment I was just finishing the tail (a sweet +morsel and not the worst part by any means), and there was nothing +left to offer him. So he went away disappointed, with a grudge against +yours truly. This, Sir, is the true tale of the flying-fish, and +if it isn't, let me hear the revised version from my aspersers and +caluminators. I can write no more to-day. I am boiling over, and must +go and kick somebody. Yours, &c., + +[Illustration: Grandolph the Explorer.] + + * * * * * + +HANWELLIAN PRIZE COMPETITION. + +_CONDITIONS._ + +1. Entrance fee, to defray cost of postage, &c., two guineas. + +2. All communications to be written illegibly, and on both sides of +the paper only--not on the edges. + +3. The Committee do not bind themselves to accept the lowest or any +tender; or to start at the time advertised in the Company's tables; or +to be in any way responsible for their own actions. + +4. Competitors will be prosecuted. + +5. A prize of one shilling will be awarded to all competitors who +fail; the winners will be able to make their way in life without +prizes. + +6. Human beings and others are not eligible for this competition. + +Subject to the above conditions, it is requested that puzzles or +questions may be forwarded to the following solutions:-- + +_First Solution_.--Twenty-eight, if before March 17th; one hundred and +forty-six, if after that date. + +_Second Solution_.--Put six pigs in the first stye; then go back and +fetch the fox from the other side of the river, returning with the +remaining cockatrice. Then put yourself in the second stye, never come +put any more, and subtract. + +_Third Solution_.--Positive, Regret; Comparative, Regatta; +Superlative, _Requiescat in pace_. + +_Fourth Solution_.--Countesses; because the sun (son) never sets +there. + +_Fifth Solution_.--Cut along dotted line to point A. Then fold back, +and cross to point C, keeping mark B on the left. Stop, if you can, +before getting to remark D. Bad language never does any good. + +_Sixth Solution_.--This is a mere catch, and only suitable for quite +young children. Of course, it is obvious that the elephant could not +have been on the outside, because there never _are_ two Mondays in the +week. Hush! the Bogie Man. _Exit._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RATHER LATE IN THE DAY, PERHAPS! + +"OH, GRANDPAPA DEAR, SUCH FUN! THE FORTUNE-TELLER'S COME! _DO_ COME +AND HAVE YOUR FORTUNE TOLD!"] + + * * * * * + +JEAMES'S SUMMARY. + +_OR, LE MONDE OÙ L'ON S'ENNUIE._ + + ["Now that the pageantry and the social stir evoked by the + presence of the Imperial guests are over, there are few who + will care to prolong the dreary and disappointing existence + either of the Season or of the Session."--_The Times_.] + +_Jeames loquitur_:-- + + _Ya-a-a-w!_ Yes, young man, you've 'it it there, penny-a-liner as + you may be, + And knowing, probably, no more about _hus_ than a coster's baby; + But dull it 'as been, and no kid, and dreary, too, and disappinting; + Is it this Sosherlistic rot Society is so disjinting, + The Hinfluenza, or Hard Times, them Hirish, or wotever _is_ it? + _I_ couldn't 'ave 'eld on at all, I'm sure, but for the HEMP'ROR's visit. + _Ya-a-a-w!_ 'Ang it, 'ow I've got the gapes! Bring us a quencher, you + young Buttons! + And mind it's cool, and with a 'ed! _Hour_ family is reg'lar gluttons + For "Soshal Stir." The guv'nor, he's a rising Tory M.P., he is. + And Missis all the Season through as busy as a bloomin' bee is, + A gathering Fashion's honey up from every hopening flower. _That's_ + natty. + I _'ave_ a turn for poetry; you're quite right there, my pretty PATTY. + Lor! 'ow that gal admires these carves! But that's "irrevelant," as + the sayin' is; + Master and Missis both complain 'ow dull and slow the game they're + playin' is. + The Session? Yah! Give me the days, the dear old days of darling DIZZY! + With him and GLADSTONE on the job a chap _could_ say "Now we are busy." + But SMITH's a slug, 'ARCOURT's a hum, and LABBY makes a chap go squirmish. + Dull as ditchwater the whole thing. One longs e'en for a Hirish skirmish; + But PARNELL's _fo par_, and his spite, 'ave knocked the sparkle out + of PADDY. + No; Parlyment's a played-out fraud, flabby and footy, flat and faddy. + The Season's similar. Season? Bah? By sech a name it ain't worth + calling. + Shoulders like these and carves like those was not _quite_ made for + pantry-sprawling; + But wot's the use? Trot myself hout for 'Ebrews, or some tuppenny + kernel? + No, not for JEAMES, if he is quite aweer of it! It's just infernal, + The Vulgar Mix that calls itself Society. All shoddy slyness, + And moneybags; a "blend" as might kontamernate a Ryal 'Igness, + Or infry-dig a Hemperor. It won't nick JEAMES though, not percisely; + Better to flop in solitude than to demean one's self unwisely. + Won't ketch _me_ selling myself off. I must confess my 'art it 'arrers + To see the Strorberry-Leaves go cheap--like strorberries on low coster's + barrers! + Tuppence a pound! Yes, that's the cry. It's _cheapness_, that Rad fad, + that's done it. + Prime fruit _ought_ to be scarce and dear, picked careful, and _kept in + the punnet_. + The same with _all_ chice things I 'old, whether 'tis footmen's carves + or peerages; + But fools forget that good old rule in this yer queerest of all queer + ages. + Trade bad, things in the City tight, no Court worth mentioning, queer + scandals, + Socierty inwaded by a lot of jumped-up Goths and Wandals; + Swell-matches few, gurls' chances poor, late Spring, and lots o' sloppy + weather, + With that there Hinfluenza--wich perhaps is wus than all together-- + All over the dashed shop! When was a Season sech a sell as this is? + Wot wonder that it aggeravates us all, pertikler Me and Missis? + Ah! But for our "Himperial Guests" the _Times_' young man names with sech + feeling, + I don't know wot I _should_ 'ave done. A dismal dulness seems a-stealing + Afore its time o'er every think; and now Our Guests's gone wot reason, + As the _Times_ sez, for trying to perlong the Session or the Season? + _Ya-a-a-w!_ I shall gape my 'ed off 'ere. The Row's a bore, the 'Ouse a + fetter. + And now the HEMP'ROR's slung 'is 'ook, the sooner _we_ are horf the better! + + * * * * * + +A LUSUS NATURÆ.--A paragraph in the _P.M.G._, the other day, was +headed, "A Lion Loose in a Circus." Bad enough. But a still more +extraordinary incident would have been _A Lion "tight" in a Circus_. + + * * * * * + +MR. CHAUNCY DEPEW, the well-known American barrister, _raconteur_, and +wit, is on his way to England. His visit is on business; probably to +head a Depewtation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JEAMES'S SUMMARY. + +JEAMES. "DULL SESSION! DULL SEASON!--THINGS BAD IN THE +CITY!--HINFLUENZA ALL HOVER THE SHOP; AND, NOW THE HEMP'ROR'S GONE, +THE SOONER _WE'RE_ HORF THE BETTER!!"] + + * * * * * + +A NEW ELECTION "LAY." + + Oh, young Mrs. BRAND has gone down to the East! + To give the Electors a musical feast, + And save her fine treble she weapons has none; + Yet she means with that voice that the seat shall be won. + So good at a lay, at a ballad so grand, + There never was dame like the young Mrs. BRAND! + + All boldly she's entered the Cambridgeshire halls, + 'Mid the squires, and the parsons, the farmers, and thralls! + Said DUNCAN, the foeman, "My friends, on my word, + Of a stranger proceeding I never have heard. + I don't wish to be rude, but I _can't_ understand + What you mean by this singing, oh young Mrs. BRAND!" + + "You need not suspect me," the lady replied; + "I care not how flows the electoral tide, + I merely have come down to Wisbech to-day + To sing a few stanzas, trill one little lay. + I am tired of long speeches, Home-Rule I can't stand, + But I _do_ enjoy singing"--quoth young Mrs. BRAND. + + So lovely her voice, so bewitching her grace, + Such a treat--or such treating:--did never take place. + While the Primrose Dames fretted, the Unionists fumed, + She merely the thread of her roundel resumed; + And the Duncanites whispered--"'Tis most underhand! + We must send for a songstress to match Mrs. BRAND." + + A change in her theme! She has altered the bar + To _Kathleen Mavourneen_ and _Erin-go-bragh!_ + Spell-bound stand the rustics; she's won the whole throng! + To the lady they've given their votes "for a song." + "'Twill be ours, will the seat--'tis the plot I have planned! + Oh, Music hath charms!"--exclaimed young Mrs. BRAND. + + There is mourning mid folk of the Wire-pulling Clan; + Agents, Managers, Chairmen, are wild to a man, + For the Cambridgeshire precedent means that their calling + Has passed to the ladies excelling in--squalling! + "Free teaching" has come, and "Free Music"'s at hand; + Which we owe to the courage of young Mrs. BRAND. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT." + +(_As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone._)] + + * * * * * + +SMOKED OFF! + +(_AN APPEAL FROM THE KNIFE-BOARD OF A CITY OMNIBUS._) + + [The latest complaint of "the Ladies" is that they are being + "smoked off" the tops of the omnibuses.] + +[Illustration] + + The "knife-board," sacred once to broad male feet, + The "Happy Garden Seat," + Invaded now by the non-smoking sex, + Virginal scruples vex, + And matronly anathemas assail. + Alas! and what avail + Man's immunities of time or place? + The sweet she-creatures chase + From all old coigns of vantage harried man. + In vain, how vain to ban + Beauty from billiard-room or--Morning Bus + What use to fume or fuss? + And yet, and yet indeed it is no joke! + Where _shall_ one get a smoke + Without annoying Shes with our cheroots, + And being badged as "brutes"? + If a poor fellow may not snatch a whiff + (Without the feminine sniff) + Upon the "Bus-roof," where in thunder's name + _Shall_ he draw that same! + The ladies, climb, sit, suffocate, and scoff, + Declare _they_ are "smoked off," + Is there no room inside? If smoke means Hades, + We, "to oblige the ladies," + Have taken outside seats this many a year, + Cold, but with weeds to cheer + Our macintosh-enswathed umbrella'd bodies; + Now we are called churl-noddies + Because we puff the humble briar-root. + Is man indeed a "brute" + Because he may upon the knife-board's rack owe + Some solace to Tobacco? + If so it be, then man's last, only chance, + Is in the full advance + Of the "emancipated" sex. Sweet elves, + _Pray learn to smoke yourselves!_ + Don't crowd us out, don't snub, and sneer, and sniff, + But--join us in a whiff! + + * * * * * + +A SHILLING IN THE POUND WISE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As the School Board rate has already touched a +shilling, and seems likely to go even higher, why should not some of +our money be expended in teaching the young idea of the lower classes +how to develop into more valuable citizens than they seem likely to +become under present conditions? To carry out this idea, I jot down a +few questions to be put to a School-Board scholar before the granting +of the customary certificates:-- + +1. Describe the formation of a Regiment, and explain its position and +duties in Brigade. + +2. What are the duties of a Special Constable? + +3. How would you set about putting horses into a fire-engine? + +4. Describe the process of resuscitating a person apparently drowned. +How would you revive a person rendered insensible by (1) cold, (2) by +sunstroke. + +5. Give simple remedies to be applied at once in case of bites by a +mad dog, accidental poisoning by arsenic, and swallowing of spurious +coin. + +6. How would you set, (1) a leg, (2) an arm, (3) a broken finger? If a +man is run over by a Hansom, what should you do? Describe an excellent +substitute for a litter, when you can obtain nothing better. + +7. State shortly what you consider your duty would be, (1) were the +country invaded, (2) were London in the hands of the mob, (3) were +your neighbourhood visited by fire, and decimated by the plague. + +There, _Mr. Punch_, if every School-Board scholar could supply +satisfactory answers to the above questions, I would not grudge +my shilling in the pound--nay, possibly look with equanimity on +eighteenpence!--Yours, cordially, + +ONE WHO IS SCHOOL-BORED. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CRICKET AT LORD'S. THE LUNCHEON-TIME. + +(_By Our Special Instantaneous Photographic Caricaturist._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "URBI ET ORBI." + +MR. PUNCH RETURNS HIS BEST THANKS TO ALL AND SINGULAR, THE PUBLIC AND +THE PRESS, FOR THE ENTHUSIASTIC RECEPTION WITH WHICH THE TOAST OF HIS +JUBILEE, EVERYWHERE AND BY EVERYBODY, HAS BEEN RECEIVED. TO EVERYONE +HEALTH AND HAPPINESS, PEACE AND PROSPERITY. + +PUNCH.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July_ 13. Emperor WILLIAM leaves to-day +having taken affectionate farewell of Grandmamma. On the whole been +most successful visit. Weather a little Frenchy in its tendency, +but not all rain and thunder. If things could only have been kept +comfortable to last moment there need have been nothing to mar success +of event. Unfortunately, TANNER's active brain discovered opportunity +of casting a stone at head of departing EMPEROR. Looking in at +Charing Cross Telegraph Office, intending to send sixpenny-worth +of genial remark to his late esteemed Leader PARNELL on result of +Carlow election, TANNER observed "Gutknecht" on shaft of lead pencil +gratuitously provided. Much puzzled at this; thought at first it was +RAIKES's way of spelling good night; found on inquiry it was German. + +TANNER's patriotic bosom filled with storm of indignation. "What!" +he cried, apostrophising the absent RAIKES, "at a time when trade is +declining, Ireland is unhappy, strikes are rampant, and human misery +seems to have reached its bitterest point, at such a time it might be +hoped you would have given up your days and nights to ameliorating +the common lot, instead of which you go about importing lead pencils +made in Germany, and so taking the very bread out of the mouth of the +British Workman." + +Might have asked question on subject a week ago when he made +discovery; adroitly put it down for to-night; and so whilst Emperor +WILLIAM was taking leave of Grandmamma in the stately halls of +Windsor, TANNER was flinging a lead pencil at his retreating figure, +stabbing him, so to speak, in the Imperial back with a commercial +product retailed at the inconsiderable price of twopence-halfpenny a +dozen. + +With some sense of relief House got into Committee of Supply. Various +questions brought up on Colonial Vote. P. and O. SUTHERLAND championed +claims of Singapore for deliverance from arbitrary conduct of +Government in levying military contributions. Doesn't often take +part in Debate; showed to-night that abstention is not due to lack of +debating faculty. Set forth case of his clients in clear business-like +speech, which commanded attention of audience, for whom topic itself +not particularly attractive. + +[Illustration: "A Bad Sixpence."] + +"SUTHERLAND," said the Member for Sark, one of his most attentive +listeners, "has introduced a new element into Parliamentary oratory. +His intercurrent cough is the most remarkable adjunct to oratory I +ever heard. Suppose the fact is, when he pauses, he is thinking over +the next word, or surveying for a new line of argument. Other men +would consult their notes. P. and O. indulges in a kind of clearing +of his throat, a compromise between a cough and an articulate +remark--commanding, conciliatory, threatening, beseeching, or +convincing, according as the exigencies of the moment require. As a +work of art, the only contemporary thing equal to it that I know, and +that, of course, in quite a different way, is some of the bye-play of +the old gentleman in _L'Enfant Prodigue_." + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday_.--Met CHAPLIN just now, striding along corridor, mopping his +statesmanlike brow with a bandana that would, on emergency, serve as +foresail for one of the cattle-carrying steamers just now troubling +the Minister for Agriculture. + +"Anything gone wrong?" I asked, for it was impossible to be blind to +his evident trepidation. + +"No, dear boy, it's all right as it turns out, but it might have +been otherwise. What do you think? LABBY's positively been moving the +reduction of the Vote by the amount of my salary! Shouldn't have been +surprised if some Member had got up, and, in neat speech, dilating +on the enormous forward strides made by the Empire since Ministry +of Agriculture was created, moved to double my screw. But to go and +propose to dock it altogether at the end of the first year is, if I +may say so, not encouraging." + +"Oh," I said, "you mustn't mind SAGE of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE; his bark is +worse than his bite." + +"Yes, I know," said CHAPLIN; "but I should be obliged to him if he'd +bark at someone else's heels. Not, mind you, that I care so much +about the money question. Between you and me (though don't let it go +further, or they might be holding me to my bargain), I would rather +pay £2000 a year than not have a seat on the Treasury Bench in charge +of a department. You've never tasted the delight of standing up in +a full House and reading out answer to a question, whilst all the +world hangs on your lips. Nor have you ever drunk the deep delight of +explaining a Bill, or replying on behalf of HER MAJESTY's Government +to an Amendment. The joy is all the greater to me, since it is newly +acquired. For years I sat below the Gangway, striving to catch the +SPEAKER's eye in competition with the herd, and when I succeeded +Members either howled at me or left the House. Now I speak without +waiting for the SPEAKER's call, and the House listens attentively to +the utterances of the Minister for Agriculture. That's better than +salary paid quarterly: worth paying for as I say. Still it's not +pleasant to have LABBY seriously proposing to stop your wages. Wish +he'd try it on someone else. There's PLUNKET for example; must put him +up in that quarter." + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +[Illustration: A Salmon Fisher.] + +_Thursday_.--A long dull night varied by occasional squalls. An +immense relief to Hon. Members, after sitting through an hour +discussing Alienation of Crown Rights in Salmon Fishing in Scotland, +on which CALDWELL delivers discourse, to have opportunity of +exercising their lungs. MORTON a benefactor in this respect. As soon +as ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS is discovered on his feet there goes forth a +howl that shakes the building. To-night rather awkward circumstance +followed. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rising for the eighth time, Members broke +forth into agonised howl that lasted several minutes. Was stopped +by sudden commotion at the Bar. Engineer PRIM rushed wildly in, +gesticulating towards the astonished Chair, and disappeared. A body of +workmen appearing mysteriously from depths beneath House, tumultuously +crossed the doorway, and also vanished. Presently news came that flood +of water was raging down staircase; gradually truth got at; a large +water-main had burst in Upper Committee Corridor; cracked at startling +sound of outburst upon ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS's re-appearance. + +"This is all very well," said PLUNKET. "I am myself no enthusiastic +admirer of MORTON's Parliamentary eloquence. Still, as First +Commissioner of Works, I feel this thing must be discouraged. Must +draw the line somewhere. Can't have our water-mains bursting with +vicarious indignation because MORTON would speak eight times in +Committee of Supply." + +_Business done_.--Committee of Supply. + +_Friday_.--In Lords to-night, STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, L.C.C., gave fresh +advertisement to CALDERON's picture, "_St. Elizabeth of Hungary._" +Not a pleasant subject, from any point of view, artistic or moral. +Everybody but well-meaning people like STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, glad to +drop it. He brings it forward at this late day; tries to make the +MARKISS responsible for whole business. The MARKISS protests that +STANLEY has had the advantage of him; hasn't even seen the picture. +"The only idea I have been able to form of it," he said to delighted +House, "is derived from a picture in _Punch_, in which _ZÆO_ is +showing her back to the Members of the County Council." Lords don't +often indulge in hearty laughter; this too much for them, and STANLEY +OF ALDERLEY temporarily extinguished, amid almost uproarious mirth. + +_Business done_.--Supply in Commons. + + * * * * * + +HIT AND MISS. + + [At Bisley, Miss LEALE, of Guernsey, has shot with + considerable success. Miss LEALE, though only nineteen years + old, is a shooting member of the National Rifle Association, + and has won several prizes at the meetings of the Guernsey + Rifle Association.] + + The Whirligig of Time! Its latest turn see + In this phenomenon who hails from Guernsey. + We've often met, at pic-nics or at dances, + Young ladies who were good at shooting--glances! + And glances that, alas! have often filled us + With tender feelings, if they have not killed us. + We've met fair maidens, who have found it pleasant + To tramp the moors for grouse, or shoot at pheasant; + Of some indeed who've had a go at grisly; + But never--until now--of one at Bisley. + Yet there she is, and whilst her sisters, sitting + At home, may spend their leisure time in knitting, + _She_ sits and shoots, nor does she very far get + From where she aims, the centre of the target. + Take off your hats to her as now we name her,--Miss + LEALE, of Guernsey! Gladly we acclaim her + For Womankind (triumphant in the Schools) high + Renown henceforth will look for in the bull's-eye, + And, tired of tennis, having quite with thimble done, + Will strive for laurels at the Modern Wimbledon! + + * * * * * + +MONTI THE MATADOR. + +(_ORIGINALLY INTENDED FOR THE F-RTN-GHTLY R-V-W._) + +"Yes, I'm better, and the Doctor tells me I've escaped once more. +That Doctor hates you--I know it. He has saved me--to tell you the +story--The story _I_ have been trying to tell to some one for thirty +years." + +I was talking to Old MONTI, whose full name was MONTI DI PIETA--as a +pledge of his respectability. He was a descendant of the Pornbrocheros +del Treballos d'Oro. He was subsequently called Monkey--as a tribute +to his character. + +"I should like you to tell me," I said, "for you must know that for +years I have seen the snows on the Lagartigo, and the moonlight on +the--" + +"Stop!" he cried--"you are going to begin padding. That will do for a +magazine, not for me!" and he snapped his fingers at me. + +But I was not to be put off. He was weak--a cripple--and I gave him +the choice of listening to a personally-conducted tour in the South of +Spain, or relating his adventures. + +"I will have my revenge!" he muttered. "You shall hear my life from +the beginning. You must know, then, that sixty years ago I was born, +and--" + +"Yes," I returned, interrupting him--"of poor parents. Your father +was coarse, your mother pious. You learned all you could about bulls, +which you kept from your father, and you were ultimately engaged as a +bull-fighter--" + +"Stop, stop!" he cried. "If you cut out about a dozen pages of my +biography, at least let me explain how I saved my father. You must +know--" + +"I will do it for you in a line," I said, sharply. "Your father lost +his temper, and tried bullying the bull (no joke), and you winked +at the animal. He knew you, and stood still. The bull went for your +father--you for the bull. Drive on!" + +"Let me tell you then, how I prepared myself for the Ring by +practising on a dummy bull.--I had no difficulty in sticking pins into +it--it was quite calm. Then I tried the same game on a sheep, and +got knocked down for my pains! One of my monkey tricks! Then I got +acquainted with some Irish bulls, and letting them off on my friends +got several thumps on the head." + +"No," I interrupted him sternly, "get on with your story." + +"Well, at length I met JUAN at the beginning of May." + +"Make it first of April," I said, severely. + +"He was the Toreador out of _Carmen_, to put it shortly," he +continued, not deigning to notice my interruption--"and he introduced +me to the bull-fight. Of course I had to pay my footing (a very +uncertain one) in _duros_, or hard cash. Then every morning I ate a +_chuto_ (a sort of small cabbage) at my dinner--then they tried me as +a _capa_, to test (so they said) my capability. The chief patron was +the Duke of MEDICINA, who in early youth had been a doctor--hence his +title--and I shall never forget his first greeting." + +"Your story!" I interrupted, sternly, finding that the old man was +once more becoming tedious. + +"I returned," replied the dotard, with a senile chuckle, "that he was +wrong. His answer was beyond my meaning--he muttered something about +'mutton and _capa_ sauce.' I was engaged," continued the dotard, with +a feeble grin, "as a _capa_ for seventy years certain, with an annual +benefit once in four years, with a salary of forty-two thousand a +year--which in those days seemed to me to be a small fortune." + +[Illustration: "They made an Idol of me."] + +"They are wretchedly paid in Spain," I observed. + +"They are," he acquiesced. "I was paid a week in advance, and have +lived upon the proceeds ever since. And now my life was indeed a merry +one. I was free of the Ring. Now I played the cornet in the _Brassos +Banderillos_, and my performance pleased the _aficionados_ (or +advertising agents) so well, that my name was known throughout the +Peninsula." + +"Well," once more I interrupted, "I suppose you met a Spanish beauty, +fell in love with her, and was cut out by a party of the name of +JUAN?" + +"However do you think of such clever things?" asked the old man, in a +tone of extreme astonishment. "But you are right. I placed CLEMENCIA +one day in the _pal co_ (or part reserved for friends), and the bull +tossed me. Ah, she trampled upon me--treated me like a mat. But I +loved her and adored myself. Hence I was called a 'Mat-Adorer.' I +repeat, the bull tossed me, and I did not come down heads." + +"Go on." + +"I was ill, and neglected, but soon recovered sufficiently to kill +sixty-six bulls in succession." + +"Surely you are exaggerating?" + +"You are perfectly right," he answered, with a blush. "I killed +sixty-five--the sixty-sixth was only mortally wounded. And now the +people made an idol of me. I was absolutely worshipped"-- + +"Come to the point," I said, in a tone that showed I was not to be +trifled with. + +"No _that_ was the fate of JUAN. At the end of a game of _toros_ +(which is Spanish for marbles) he said to me (in excellent Spanish), +'MONTI, me bhoy, philaloo! ye will shtay by me?' 'That will I--as +shure as me name is TIM--I should say MONTI,' I responded, in choice +Castilian. The bull came up, I looked him in the eye, raised my +_shillalo_ (a short Spanish club), and, crying 'Whist!' he cut for +partners. JUAN was cut a deal." + +"That bull was a ripper," I murmured. + +"Bedad he was that, Sorr," returned the dotard, whose Spanish became +more and more Castilian every moment. "CLEMENICA died the next +morning. But I am remorseful--that I did not kill her myself. And +now I have had my revenge! I have told ye the story! I know you--your +name's H-A-R-"-- + +He gave a gasp and died. + +But I too had _my_ revenge. I sent the tale I had just heard to the +_F-rtn-ghtly R-v-w_. + +M.F.H. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, July 25, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13465.txt or 13465.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/4/6/13465/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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