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diff --git a/13465-0.txt b/13465-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3c8c487 --- /dev/null +++ b/13465-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1218 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13465 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 25, 1891. + + + + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration: _Amonasro_ (_the Black King_). "I am your father. I've +kept myself dark so long that I've become quite black!" + +_Aïda_ (_the White Maiden_). "Oh! go away, black man; don't come anigh +me!! You ought to be _Otello_ to-morrow night." + +_Little Ravelli-Radames_ (_aside_). "No matter what colour, I love +her!!"] + +[Illustration: Covent Garden Stars seen through the Harriscope.] + +_Tuesday, July 14_.--Madame NORDICA is not at her best as _Aïda_. It +lacks colour--that is on the face and hands, where at least should +be shown some more "colourable pretence" for being the daughter of so +blackened a character as is her father _Amonasro_, played as a villain +of the deepest dye by M. DEVOYOD. When the celebrated march was +heard, the players didn't seem particularly strong in trumps, and the +trumpets giving a somewhat "uncertain sound,"--a trifle husky, as if +they'd caught cold,--somewhat marred the usually thrilling effect. +Gorgeous scene; and RAVELLI the Reliable as _Radames_ quite the +success of the evening. Mlle. GUERCIA as _Amneris_ seemed to have +made up after an old steel plate in a bygone Book of Beauty. Where +are those Books of Beauty now! And _The Keepsake_? Where the +pseudo-Byronic poetry and the short stories by Mrs. NAMBY and Mr. +PAMBY? But this is only a marginal note, not in the Operatic score. +Signor ABRAMOFF was a powerful _Ramphis_, his make-up suggesting +that his title would be more appropriately _Rumfiz_,--which would +be an excellent Egyptian name. Very good House, but still suffering +from reaction after Imperial visit, and not to recover itself till +to-morrow, _Wednesday_, when the House is crowded with a brilliant +audience to hear a brilliant performance of _Otello. The Grand Otello +Co. Covent Garden, Limited_. Thoroughly artistic performance of _Iago_ +by M. MAUREL. His wicked "Credo" more diabolically malicious than +ever it was at the Lyceum; an uncanny but distinctly striking effect. +Then DRURIOLANUS ASTRONOMICUS gave us a scenic startler in the way +of imitation meteoric effect. 'Twas on this wise: of course, neither +DRURIOLANUS nor any other Manager can carry on an operatic season +without stars, and so they are here, a galaxy of 'em, up above, on +the "back cloth," as it is technically termed, shining brilliantly but +spasmodically, strange portents in the operatic sky. Pity Astronomer +Royal not here to see and note the fact. Next time _Otello_ is given, +if this atmospheric effect is to be repeated, the attendants in the +lobbies might be permitted to supply powerful telescopes at a small +fixed charge. But the greatest star of all is Madame ALBANI as +_Desdemona_; a triumph dramatically and operatically. Her song in the +last Act, the celebrated "_Willow Song_"--which of course no cricketer +ought to miss hearing--was most beautifully and touchingly rendered. +Those persons suffering from the heat of a crowded house, and dreading +the difficulty of finding their "keb or kerridge" in good time, and +who therefore quitted their seats before ALBANI sang the "_Willow +Song_," must, perforce, sing the old refrain, "_O Willow, we have +missed you!_" and go back for it whenever this Opera is played again. +M. JEAN DE RESZKÉ was not, perhaps, quite up to his usual form, or his +usual former self; but, for all that, he justified his responsibility +as one of the largest shareholders in the Grand Otello Company, +Limited. All things considered, and the last best thing being +invariably quite the best, _Otello, or Symphonies in Black and White_, +is about the biggest success of the season. + + + * * * * * + +TO AMANDA. + +[Illustration] + +(_ACCOMPANYING A SET OF VERSES WHICH SHE BADE ME WRITE._) + + Only a trifle, though, i' faith, 'tis smart, + A _jeu d'esprit_, not art concealing art, + Fruition of a moment's fantasy, + Mere mental bubbles, verbal filagree. + + But, though thy lightest wish I would not thwart, + I prithee bid me play some other part + Another time, and I will give thee _carte + Blanche_ to dictate; in truth aught else will be + Only a trifle, + Compared with versifying. I will dart, + At thy behest, e'en to the public mart + To buy a bonnet, or will gleefully + Carry a babe through Bond Street. My sole plea + Is--no more verses. Surely 'tis, sweetheart, + Only a trifle. + + * * * * * + +SUPPLEMENTARY AND CORRECTIVE.--In his Jubilee Number Mr. PUNCH +remarked, "Merely to mention _all_ the bright pens and pencils which +have occasionally contributed to my pages would occupy much space." +And space then was limited. But among the "Great Unnamed" _should_ +assuredly have been mentioned W.H. WILLS, one of the originators of +Mr. PUNCH's publication, CLEMENT SCOTT the flowing lyrist, and author +of "The Cry of the Children," &c., ASHBY STERRY of "Lazy Minstrel" +fame, and "ROBERT," the genial garrulous "City Waiter," whilst the +names of J.P. ("Dumb-Crambo") ATKINSON, and E.J. WHEELER, were omitted +by the purest accident. The late H.J. BYRON contributed a series +of papers. Mr. PUNCH hastens to put them--as he would gladly some +others--"on the list," since, of no one of them, could it be truly +said "he never would be missed." "HALBOT" was a misprint for "HABLÔT," +"MAGUIN HANNAY" should read "MAGINN, HANNAY, &c.," and for "_GEORGE_ +SILVER" read "HENRY." + + * * * * * + +THE METROPOLITAN MINOTAUR; + +OR, THE LONDON LABYRINTH AND THE COUNTY COUNCIL THESEUS. + + ["Certainly, if some members of the London County Council have + their way, it will soon have plenty to occupy it without + being called upon to form a scheme of water-supply for the + Metropolis."--_The Times_.] + +[Illustration] + +_L.C.C. loquitur_:-- + + Bless me! Things combine so a hero to humble! + I fancied that Bull-headed Minotaur--BUMBLE, + Would fall to my hand like Pasiphae's monster + To Theseus. But oh! every step that I on stir + Bemuddles me more. I _did_ think myself clever, + But fear from the Centre I'm farther than ever, + Oh, this _is_ a Labyrinth! Worse than the Cretan! + Yet shall the new Theseus admit himself beaten? + Forbid it, great Progress! Your votary I, Ma'am, + But in this Big Maze it seems small use to try, Ma'am. + Mere roundaboutation's not Progress. Get forward? + Why eastward, and westward and southward, and nor'ward, + Big barriers stop me! Eh? Centralisation? + Demolish that monster, Maladministration, + Whose menaces fright the fair tower-crowned Maiden. + Most willingly, Madam; but look how I'm laden, + And hampered! Oh! I should be grateful to you, Ma'am, + If, like Ariadne, you'd give me a clue, Ma'am. + _I_'ll never--like treacherous Theseus--desert you; + My constancy's staunch, like my valour and virtue. + Through Fire, Water, Wilderness trackless I'll follow, + But astray in a Maze high ambition seems hollow! + + * * * * * + +WATERLOO TO WEYBRIDGE. + +BY THE 6.5 P.M. + + A young man--it's no matter who-- + Hailed a cab and remarked "Waterloo!" + The driver, with bowed + Head, sobbed out aloud, + "Which station?" They frequently do. + + A poet once said that to Esher + The only good rhyme was "magnesher;" + This was not the fact, + And he had to retract, + Which he did--he retracted with plesher. + + A fancier cried: "There's one fault on + The part of the sparrows at Walton; + And that's why I fail + To put salt on their tail-- + The birds have no tails to put salt on." + + The dulness of riding to Weybridge + Pleasant chat (mind the accent) may _a_bridge, + But not when it deals + With detaching of wheels, + Collisions, explosions, and Tay Bridge. + + * * * * * + +THE STOLEN PICTURES.--The _Débats_ informed us, last week, that the +thief who stole TENIERS' pictures from the Museum at Rennes has been +discovered. His punishment should "fit the crime," as Mr. GILBERT's +_Mikado_ used to say, and therefore he ought to be sentenced to penal +servitude for _Ten years_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION. + +_Dick_ (_who hasn't sold a single Picture this year_). "AND AS FOR +THE BEASTLY BRITISH PUBLIC, NOTHING REALLY GOOD _EVER_ GOES DOWN WITH +IT--NOTHING BUT VULGAR ROT!" + +_Tom_ (_who has sold every Picture he has painted_). "OH, BOSH AND +GAMMON, MY DEAR FELLOW. GOOD HONEST WORK IS _ALWAYS_ SURE OF ITS +MARKET--AND ITS _PRICE_!" + +[_Next year their luck will be reversed, and also their opinions of +the B.P._] + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Wednesday, June 11th_.--Left Billsbury last Saturday, having in DICKY +DIKES's words "broken the back of the blooming canvas." During my +last night's round we went into a small house in one of the slums. The +husband was out, but the wife and family were all gathered together +in the back room. There were five children, ranging in age from ten +down to two, and the mother looked the very picture of slatternly +discomfort. We asked the usual questions, and I was just turning to +go, when I heard a violent fit of convulsive coughing from a dark +corner. The mother got up and went to the corner. I couldn't help +following, and saw the most miserable spectacle I ever set eyes on. In +a sort of cradle was lying the smallest, frailest and most absolutely +pinched and colourless baby choking with every cough, and gasping +horribly for breath. I don't know what I said, but the mother turned +to DIKES and said, "He haven't much longer to cough. I shall want the +undertakers for him soon." I asked her if nothing could be done, but +she merely replied, "It'll be better so. We've too many mouths to feed +without him." I couldn't stay longer after that, but fairly bolted out +of the house. + +Our people are jubilant about our prospects. The canvas shows, they +say, a steady increase in our favour, the registrations have been +uniformly good, and, best of all, Sir THOMAS CHUBSON again voted and +spoke on the wrong side, when the Billsbury Main Drainage Bill came on +for Second Reading in the House the other day. Our point is of course +that, if this scheme were carried out, there would be a great deal of +work for Billsbury labourers, and, somehow or other, a large amount +of money would be spent in the town. We have rubbed this well in at +every meeting we have held lately, and found it a most effective +point during the canvas. CHUBSON and the Radicals talk about a great +increase of the rates which would follow on it; but we pooh-pooh this, +and point out that the ultimate saving would be enormous, and that the +health of the town must be benefited. They don't like the business at +all, and feel they've made a mistake. + +Have been made on successive nights a Druid, a Forester, and a Loyal +and Ancient Shepherd. All these three are Benefit Societies, and the +mysteries of initiation into each are very similar. Colonel CHORKLE +(who ought to have gone through the business long ago) was made a +Druid with me. I never saw anybody so nervous. All the courage of +all the CHORKLES seemed to have deserted him, and he trembled like a +Volunteer aspen. I told Major WORBOYS on the following day that his +Colonel, who I was sure might be trusted to face a hostile battery +without flinching, had been very nervous when he was made a Druid. +WORBOYS sneered, and said that he'd be willing to take his chance of +CHORKLE's facing the battery or not, if CHORKLE would only learn to +ride decently. "Give you my word of honour," said WORBOYS, "when the +General inspected us last year, CHORKLE's horse ran away with him +three times, and at last we had to march past without him. One of the +tamest horses in the world, too. My boy JACK rides it constantly." But +WORBOYS despises CHORKLE, and thinks he ought to command the regiment +himself. He spread it all over Billsbury that CHORKLE was found hiding +under a table when he was summoned to be initiated, and was dragged +out screaming piteously for mercy. + +On my last morning I was interviewed by a deputation from the +Billsbury Branch of The Women's Suffrage League. The deputation +consisted of Mrs. BOSER, the President of the Branch, Miss AMY +GINGELL, the Secretary, and two others. It was a trying business. Mrs. +BOSER is the most formidable person I ever met. I felt like a babe +in her hands after she had glowered at me for five minutes. Finally +I found myself, rather to my own astonishment, promising to vote for +a Women's Suffrage Bill, and adding that Mrs. BOSER's arguments had +convinced me that justice had in this matter been too long denied to +women, and that for my part, if elected, I should lose no opportunity +of recording my vote on the side of women. They seemed pleased, +but the _Meteor_ of the next day had a frightful leader about the +"shameful want of moral fibre in a Conservative Candidate who was thus +content to put the whole Constitution into the melting-pot, if by so +doing he could only secure a few stray votes, and get the help of the +women in his coal-and-blanket expeditions." + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. I. + + SCENE--_An Excursion Agents' Offices. Behind the counters + polite and patient Clerks are besieged by a crowd of Intending + Tourists, all asking questions at once._ + +_First Int. T._ Here--have you made out that estimate for me yet? + +_Clerk_. In one moment, Sir. (_He refers to a list, turns over +innumerable books, jots down columns of francs, marks, and florins; +reduces them to English money, and adds them up._) First class fares +on the Rhine, Danube and Black Sea steamers, I think you said, second +class rail, and postwagen? + +_First Int. T._ I did say so, I believe; but it had better be second +class all through, and I can always pay the difference if I want to. + + [_The Clerk alters the sums accordingly, and adds up again._ + +_Clerk_. Fifty-five pounds fourteen and a penny, Sir. Shall I make you +put the tickets now? + +_First Int. T._ Um, no. On second thoughts, I'd like to see one of +your short Circular Tours for the English Lakes, or Wales, before I +decide. + + [_The Clerk hands him a quantity of leaflets, with which he + retires._ + + _Enter Mr. CLARENDON CULCHARD, age about twenty-eight; in + Somerset House; tall; clean-shaven, wears glasses, stoops + slightly, dresses carefully, though his tall hat is of the + last fashion but two. He looks about him expectantly, and then + sits down to wait._ + +_Culchard_ (_to himself_). No sign of him yet! I _do_ like a man to +keep an appointment. If this is the way he _begins_--I have my doubts +whether he is _quite_ the sort of fellow to--but I took the precaution +to ask HUGH ROSE about him, and ROSE said he was the best company in +the world, and I couldn't help getting on with him. I don't think +ROSE would deceive me. And from all I've seen of PODBURY, he seems +a pleasant fellow enough. What a Babel! All these people bent on +pleasure, going to seek it in as many directions--with what success no +one can predict. There's an idea for a sonnet there. + + [_He brings out a pocket-book, and begins to write--"As when + a--"_ + +_An Amurrcan Citizen_ (_to_ Clerk). See here, I've been around with +your tickets in Yurrup, and when I was at Vernis, I bought some goods +at a store there, and paid cash down for 'em, and they promised to +send 'em on for me right here, and that was last fall, and I've never +heard any more of 'em, and what I want _you_ should do now is to +instruct your representative at Vernis to go round and hev a talk with +that man, and ask him what in thunder he means by it, and kinder hint +that he'll hev the Amurrcan Consul in his hair pretty smart, if he +don't look slippier! + + [_The Clerk mildly suggests that it would be better to + communicate directly with the American Consulate, or with + the tradesman himself._ + +_The A.C._ But hold on--how'm I goin' to write to that sharp, +when I've lost his address, and disremember his name? Can't you +mail a few particulars to your agent, so he'll identify him? No. +(_Disappointed._) Well, I thought you'd ha' fixed up a little thing +like that, anyhow; in my country they'd ha' done it right away. Yes, +_Sir_! [_He goes away in grieved surprise._ + +_Enter Mr. JAMES PODBURY, age twenty-six; in a City Office; +short, fresh-coloured, jaunty; close-cut fair hair, and small auburn +moustache. Not having been to the City to-day, he is wearing light +tweeds, and brown boots._ + +_Podbury_ (_to himself_). Just nicked it!--(_looks at clock_)--more or +less. And he doesn't seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall +hit it off together. HUGHIE ROSE said he was a capital good chap--when +you once got over his manner. Anyhow, it's a great tip to go abroad +with a fellow who knows the ropes. (_Suddenly sees CULCHARD absorbed +in his note-book._) So _here_ you are, eh? + +_Culchard_ (_slightly scandalised by the tweeds and the brown boots_). +Yes, I've been here some little time. I wish you could have managed to +come before, because they close early here to-day, and I wanted to go +thoroughly over the tour I sketched out before getting the tickets. +[_He produces an elaborate outline._ + +_Podbury_ (_easily_). Oh, _that's_ all right! I don't care where _I_ +go! All I want is, to see as much as we can in the time--leave all the +rest to you. I'll sit here while you get the tickets. + +_An Old Lady_ (_to Clerk, as CULCHARD_) _is waiting at the counter_). +Oh, I _beg_ your pardon, but _could_ you inform me if the 1'55 train +from Calais to Basle stops long enough for refreshments anywhere, and +when they examine the luggage, and if I can leave my handbag in the +carriage, and whether there is an English service at Yodeldorf, and +is it held in the hotel, and Evangelical, or High Church, and are the +sittings free, and what Hymn-book they use? + + [_The Clerk sets her mind free on as many of these points as + he can, and then attends to CULCHARD._ + +_Culchard_ (_returning to PODBURY with two cases bulging with books +of coloured coupons_). Here are yours. I should like you to run your +eye over them, and see that they are correct, if you don't mind. + +_Podbury_ (_stuffing them in his pocket_). Can't be bothered now. Take +your word for it. + +[Illustration: Yes, Sir!] + +_Culchard_. No--but considering that we start the first thing +to-morrow morning, wouldn't it be as well to have some idea of where +you're going? And, by the way, excuse me, but is it altogether prudent +to keep your tickets in an outside pocket like that? I always keep +mine, with my money, in a special case in an inner pocket, with a +buttoned nap--then I know I _can't_ lose them. + +_Podbury_. Anything for a quiet life! (_He examines his coupons._) +Dover to Ostend? Never been there--like to see what Ostend's like. But +why didn't you go by Calais?--_shorter_ you know. + +_Culchard_. Because I thought we'd see Bruges and Ghent on our way to +Brussels. + +_Podbury_. Bruges, eh? Capital! Anything particular going on there? +No? It don't matter. And Ghent--let's see, wasn't that where they +brought the good news to? Yes, we'll stop at Ghent--if we've time. +Then--Brussels? Good deal of work to be done there, I suppose, +sightseeing, and that? I like a place where you can moon about without +being bothered myself; now, at _Brussels_--never mind, I was only +thinking. + +_Culch._ It's the best place to get to Cologne and up the Rhine from. +Then, you see, we go rather out of our way to Nuremberg-- + +_Podbury_. Where they make toys? _I_ know--pretty festive there, eh? + +_Culch._ I don't know about festive--but it is--er--a quaint, +and highly interesting old place. Then I thought we'd dip down to +Constance, and strike across the Alps to the Italian Lakes. + +_Podbury_. Italian Lakes? First--rate! Yes, _they_'re worth seeing, I +suppose. Think they're better than the _Swiss_ ones, though? + +_Culch._ (_tolerantly_). I can get the coupons changed for +Switzerland, if you prefer it. The Swiss Lakes may be the more +picturesque. + +_Podbury_. Yes, we'll do Switzerland--and run back by Paris, eh? Not +much to do in Switzerland, though, after all! + +_Culch._ (_with a faintly superior smile_). There are one or two +mountains, I believe. But, personally, I should prefer Italy. + +_Podbury_. So should I. No fun in mountains--unless you go up 'em. +What do you think of choosing some quiet place, where nobody ever +goes--say in France or Germany--and, sticking to _that_. More of a +rest, wouldn't it be? such a bore having to know a lot; of people! + +_Culch._ I don't see how we can change _all_ the tickets, really. If +you like, we could stop a week at St. Goarshausen. + +_Podbury_. What's St. Goarshausen like--cheery? + +_Culch._ I understood the idea was to keep away from our fellow +countrymen, and as far as I can remember St. Goarshausen, it is not +overrun with tourists--we should be quiet enough _there_. + +_Podbury_. That's the place for _me_, then. Or could we push on to +Vienna? Never seen Vienna. + +_Culch._ If you like to give up Italy altogether. + +_Podbury_. What do you say to _beginning_ with Italy and working back? +Too hot, eh? Well, then, we'll let things be as they are--I daresay it +will do well enough. So _that's_ settled! + +_Culchard_ (_to himself on parting, after final arrangements +concluded_). I wish ROSE had warned me that PODBURY's habit of mind +was so painfully desultory. (_He sighs._) However-- + +_Podbury_ (_to himself_). Wonder now long I shall take to get over +CULCHARD's manner. (_He sighs._) I wish old HUGHIE was coming--he'd +give me a leg over! + + [_He walks on thoughtfully._ + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHERLAND. + +(_BY OUR OWN GRANDOLPH._) + +[Illustration: "Put out the light, and then--" Being the true story of +The Wonderful Lamp.] + +I pause in my communications. Friends, real friends, have wired +over accounts of me on the trip, which have not been written by +"friendlies." Somebody wrote to _Black and White_ what purported to +be Notes about me aboard the gallant _Grantully Castle_, than which +a better-found vessel--"found" is the word--never put to sea. This +somebody ("bless him!"--DR-MM-ND W-LFF will know what I mean) observes +that "he didn't notice" any particular gratitude on my part towards +Captain HAY and his talented assistants. Hay! what? why, confound +them, I was all gratitude! Is it because I did not run at him, embrace +him, and shake his arms off, that therefore I did not _feel_ grateful! +I was awfully grateful. I felt inclined to alter the name of the +vessel to the _Gratefully_ _Castle_. But "she" (you always call a +vessel "she"--isn't that nautical?) "is" as the song says "another's, +and never can be mine!" so I can't change her name. I was overpowered +by my feelings--and what does that mean but the swallowing, with a +gurgle in the throat, of the silent tear, and the avoidance of the +topic uppermost in one's mind at the moment. + +"The soldier leant upon his sword, and wiped away a tear"--but the +sailor didn't, _Verb. sap._ What did I do? Why, in my note of notes, +my Private Diary, I made this mem., "_Make Hay while the sun shines._" +Now what, I ask any unprejudiced person, what does this mean? If +Captain HAY were suddenly to be promoted in the hay-day of his +valuable career to be an Admiral, would he suspect that he owed this +elevation to the man who, strictly obeying the ship's orders, _never +even spoke to the man at the wheel_? Now to come to the next point. +This correspondent girds at my having had a special cabin and a +special steward. _Why!_ the envious grumbler! if he had been as +specially unwell as I was--but there, I own I lose patience with +him--didn't I go out as a "Special," and if a Special doesn't have +everything special about him, _he is simply obtaining money under +false pretences_. I've a great mind--I hear the jeerer snigger in his +sleeve--but I repeat emphatically I have a great mind to come back. +"He will return, I know him well," my traducers may sing; and I +shall return when I consider my special work specially done in my own +special manner, and be blowed to em all, the detractors! + +[Illustration: Grandolph confiding to the _Chef_ his secret receipt +for cooking a flying-fish.] + +He grumbles because I had _a special portable light_ all to myself, +"when I wanted to play cards." Aha! do we see the cloven hoof now? +Was I to play cards _in the dark_? Those who know me best know that I +am all fair and above-board, and no hole-and-corner gambling for me. +And what tale has he to tell? Why that "_Another night, not using his +special light at the time, two other passengers began a game of chess +under its rays._" Which they had no right whatever to do. But I winked +at it, and when the first officer was coming his rounds I winked +at _them_; but this friendly act on my part they did not heed, and +consequently _to save them from being put in irons_ and confined in +the deepest dungeon beneath the _Grantully Castle_ moat, I "_came +along just then_," as he reports, "_and removed the lamp to another +part of the deck, leaving the chess-players in the dark_"--as if this +consequence were anything extraordinary when a lamp is removed! Why +any schoolboy, the merest tyro in Scripture History, knows where the +great Hebrew Lawgiver was _when the candle went out_. And were these +passengers to be exempt from the action of Nature's ordinary laws! +Bah!--"_without a word of apology or explanation_." I _had_ winked, +but they were worse than blind horses, and more resembled the +inferior quadruped in obstinately refusing to move, or in subsequently +acknowledging this act of thoughtful kindness on my part. + +As to my eating for breakfast a flying-fish, which somebody on board +had caught and given me, all I ask is, _why shouldn't I?_ I never had +eaten a flying-fish before, and I don't think I ever shall again. If +the gentleman who caught it didn't want me to eat it, he should have +said so: for there were three courses open to him; viz., _first_, to +refuse to give it me; _secondly_, to give it me on condition that I +kept it in memory of the occasion; _thirdly_, to throw it back into +the sea. But there was only one course open to _me_ when I got it, +and that was the first course at breakfast; the second course was +kidgeree. It was a small fish _just enough for one_, and now I rather +fancy I remember this _Black and White_ correspondent, for it must +have been he, coming to my table, eyeing the fish, smacking his lips, +and observing that _he_ "had never had the chance of tasting a fried +flying-fish." At that moment I was just finishing the tail (a sweet +morsel and not the worst part by any means), and there was nothing +left to offer him. So he went away disappointed, with a grudge against +yours truly. This, Sir, is the true tale of the flying-fish, and +if it isn't, let me hear the revised version from my aspersers and +caluminators. I can write no more to-day. I am boiling over, and must +go and kick somebody. Yours, &c., + +[Illustration: Grandolph the Explorer.] + + * * * * * + +HANWELLIAN PRIZE COMPETITION. + +_CONDITIONS._ + +1. Entrance fee, to defray cost of postage, &c., two guineas. + +2. All communications to be written illegibly, and on both sides of +the paper only--not on the edges. + +3. The Committee do not bind themselves to accept the lowest or any +tender; or to start at the time advertised in the Company's tables; or +to be in any way responsible for their own actions. + +4. Competitors will be prosecuted. + +5. A prize of one shilling will be awarded to all competitors who +fail; the winners will be able to make their way in life without +prizes. + +6. Human beings and others are not eligible for this competition. + +Subject to the above conditions, it is requested that puzzles or +questions may be forwarded to the following solutions:-- + +_First Solution_.--Twenty-eight, if before March 17th; one hundred and +forty-six, if after that date. + +_Second Solution_.--Put six pigs in the first stye; then go back and +fetch the fox from the other side of the river, returning with the +remaining cockatrice. Then put yourself in the second stye, never come +put any more, and subtract. + +_Third Solution_.--Positive, Regret; Comparative, Regatta; +Superlative, _Requiescat in pace_. + +_Fourth Solution_.--Countesses; because the sun (son) never sets +there. + +_Fifth Solution_.--Cut along dotted line to point A. Then fold back, +and cross to point C, keeping mark B on the left. Stop, if you can, +before getting to remark D. Bad language never does any good. + +_Sixth Solution_.--This is a mere catch, and only suitable for quite +young children. Of course, it is obvious that the elephant could not +have been on the outside, because there never _are_ two Mondays in the +week. Hush! the Bogie Man. _Exit._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RATHER LATE IN THE DAY, PERHAPS! + +"OH, GRANDPAPA DEAR, SUCH FUN! THE FORTUNE-TELLER'S COME! _DO_ COME +AND HAVE YOUR FORTUNE TOLD!"] + + * * * * * + +JEAMES'S SUMMARY. + +_OR, LE MONDE OÙ L'ON S'ENNUIE._ + + ["Now that the pageantry and the social stir evoked by the + presence of the Imperial guests are over, there are few who + will care to prolong the dreary and disappointing existence + either of the Season or of the Session."--_The Times_.] + +_Jeames loquitur_:-- + + _Ya-a-a-w!_ Yes, young man, you've 'it it there, penny-a-liner as + you may be, + And knowing, probably, no more about _hus_ than a coster's baby; + But dull it 'as been, and no kid, and dreary, too, and disappinting; + Is it this Sosherlistic rot Society is so disjinting, + The Hinfluenza, or Hard Times, them Hirish, or wotever _is_ it? + _I_ couldn't 'ave 'eld on at all, I'm sure, but for the HEMP'ROR's visit. + _Ya-a-a-w!_ 'Ang it, 'ow I've got the gapes! Bring us a quencher, you + young Buttons! + And mind it's cool, and with a 'ed! _Hour_ family is reg'lar gluttons + For "Soshal Stir." The guv'nor, he's a rising Tory M.P., he is. + And Missis all the Season through as busy as a bloomin' bee is, + A gathering Fashion's honey up from every hopening flower. _That's_ + natty. + I _'ave_ a turn for poetry; you're quite right there, my pretty PATTY. + Lor! 'ow that gal admires these carves! But that's "irrevelant," as + the sayin' is; + Master and Missis both complain 'ow dull and slow the game they're + playin' is. + The Session? Yah! Give me the days, the dear old days of darling DIZZY! + With him and GLADSTONE on the job a chap _could_ say "Now we are busy." + But SMITH's a slug, 'ARCOURT's a hum, and LABBY makes a chap go squirmish. + Dull as ditchwater the whole thing. One longs e'en for a Hirish skirmish; + But PARNELL's _fo par_, and his spite, 'ave knocked the sparkle out + of PADDY. + No; Parlyment's a played-out fraud, flabby and footy, flat and faddy. + The Season's similar. Season? Bah? By sech a name it ain't worth + calling. + Shoulders like these and carves like those was not _quite_ made for + pantry-sprawling; + But wot's the use? Trot myself hout for 'Ebrews, or some tuppenny + kernel? + No, not for JEAMES, if he is quite aweer of it! It's just infernal, + The Vulgar Mix that calls itself Society. All shoddy slyness, + And moneybags; a "blend" as might kontamernate a Ryal 'Igness, + Or infry-dig a Hemperor. It won't nick JEAMES though, not percisely; + Better to flop in solitude than to demean one's self unwisely. + Won't ketch _me_ selling myself off. I must confess my 'art it 'arrers + To see the Strorberry-Leaves go cheap--like strorberries on low coster's + barrers! + Tuppence a pound! Yes, that's the cry. It's _cheapness_, that Rad fad, + that's done it. + Prime fruit _ought_ to be scarce and dear, picked careful, and _kept in + the punnet_. + The same with _all_ chice things I 'old, whether 'tis footmen's carves + or peerages; + But fools forget that good old rule in this yer queerest of all queer + ages. + Trade bad, things in the City tight, no Court worth mentioning, queer + scandals, + Socierty inwaded by a lot of jumped-up Goths and Wandals; + Swell-matches few, gurls' chances poor, late Spring, and lots o' sloppy + weather, + With that there Hinfluenza--wich perhaps is wus than all together-- + All over the dashed shop! When was a Season sech a sell as this is? + Wot wonder that it aggeravates us all, pertikler Me and Missis? + Ah! But for our "Himperial Guests" the _Times_' young man names with sech + feeling, + I don't know wot I _should_ 'ave done. A dismal dulness seems a-stealing + Afore its time o'er every think; and now Our Guests's gone wot reason, + As the _Times_ sez, for trying to perlong the Session or the Season? + _Ya-a-a-w!_ I shall gape my 'ed off 'ere. The Row's a bore, the 'Ouse a + fetter. + And now the HEMP'ROR's slung 'is 'ook, the sooner _we_ are horf the better! + + * * * * * + +A LUSUS NATURÆ.--A paragraph in the _P.M.G._, the other day, was +headed, "A Lion Loose in a Circus." Bad enough. But a still more +extraordinary incident would have been _A Lion "tight" in a Circus_. + + * * * * * + +MR. CHAUNCY DEPEW, the well-known American barrister, _raconteur_, and +wit, is on his way to England. His visit is on business; probably to +head a Depewtation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JEAMES'S SUMMARY. + +JEAMES. "DULL SESSION! DULL SEASON!--THINGS BAD IN THE +CITY!--HINFLUENZA ALL HOVER THE SHOP; AND, NOW THE HEMP'ROR'S GONE, +THE SOONER _WE'RE_ HORF THE BETTER!!"] + + * * * * * + +A NEW ELECTION "LAY." + + Oh, young Mrs. BRAND has gone down to the East! + To give the Electors a musical feast, + And save her fine treble she weapons has none; + Yet she means with that voice that the seat shall be won. + So good at a lay, at a ballad so grand, + There never was dame like the young Mrs. BRAND! + + All boldly she's entered the Cambridgeshire halls, + 'Mid the squires, and the parsons, the farmers, and thralls! + Said DUNCAN, the foeman, "My friends, on my word, + Of a stranger proceeding I never have heard. + I don't wish to be rude, but I _can't_ understand + What you mean by this singing, oh young Mrs. BRAND!" + + "You need not suspect me," the lady replied; + "I care not how flows the electoral tide, + I merely have come down to Wisbech to-day + To sing a few stanzas, trill one little lay. + I am tired of long speeches, Home-Rule I can't stand, + But I _do_ enjoy singing"--quoth young Mrs. BRAND. + + So lovely her voice, so bewitching her grace, + Such a treat--or such treating:--did never take place. + While the Primrose Dames fretted, the Unionists fumed, + She merely the thread of her roundel resumed; + And the Duncanites whispered--"'Tis most underhand! + We must send for a songstress to match Mrs. BRAND." + + A change in her theme! She has altered the bar + To _Kathleen Mavourneen_ and _Erin-go-bragh!_ + Spell-bound stand the rustics; she's won the whole throng! + To the lady they've given their votes "for a song." + "'Twill be ours, will the seat--'tis the plot I have planned! + Oh, Music hath charms!"--exclaimed young Mrs. BRAND. + + There is mourning mid folk of the Wire-pulling Clan; + Agents, Managers, Chairmen, are wild to a man, + For the Cambridgeshire precedent means that their calling + Has passed to the ladies excelling in--squalling! + "Free teaching" has come, and "Free Music"'s at hand; + Which we owe to the courage of young Mrs. BRAND. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT." + +(_As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone._)] + + * * * * * + +SMOKED OFF! + +(_AN APPEAL FROM THE KNIFE-BOARD OF A CITY OMNIBUS._) + + [The latest complaint of "the Ladies" is that they are being + "smoked off" the tops of the omnibuses.] + +[Illustration] + + The "knife-board," sacred once to broad male feet, + The "Happy Garden Seat," + Invaded now by the non-smoking sex, + Virginal scruples vex, + And matronly anathemas assail. + Alas! and what avail + Man's immunities of time or place? + The sweet she-creatures chase + From all old coigns of vantage harried man. + In vain, how vain to ban + Beauty from billiard-room or--Morning Bus + What use to fume or fuss? + And yet, and yet indeed it is no joke! + Where _shall_ one get a smoke + Without annoying Shes with our cheroots, + And being badged as "brutes"? + If a poor fellow may not snatch a whiff + (Without the feminine sniff) + Upon the "Bus-roof," where in thunder's name + _Shall_ he draw that same! + The ladies, climb, sit, suffocate, and scoff, + Declare _they_ are "smoked off," + Is there no room inside? If smoke means Hades, + We, "to oblige the ladies," + Have taken outside seats this many a year, + Cold, but with weeds to cheer + Our macintosh-enswathed umbrella'd bodies; + Now we are called churl-noddies + Because we puff the humble briar-root. + Is man indeed a "brute" + Because he may upon the knife-board's rack owe + Some solace to Tobacco? + If so it be, then man's last, only chance, + Is in the full advance + Of the "emancipated" sex. Sweet elves, + _Pray learn to smoke yourselves!_ + Don't crowd us out, don't snub, and sneer, and sniff, + But--join us in a whiff! + + * * * * * + +A SHILLING IN THE POUND WISE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As the School Board rate has already touched a +shilling, and seems likely to go even higher, why should not some of +our money be expended in teaching the young idea of the lower classes +how to develop into more valuable citizens than they seem likely to +become under present conditions? To carry out this idea, I jot down a +few questions to be put to a School-Board scholar before the granting +of the customary certificates:-- + +1. Describe the formation of a Regiment, and explain its position and +duties in Brigade. + +2. What are the duties of a Special Constable? + +3. How would you set about putting horses into a fire-engine? + +4. Describe the process of resuscitating a person apparently drowned. +How would you revive a person rendered insensible by (1) cold, (2) by +sunstroke. + +5. Give simple remedies to be applied at once in case of bites by a +mad dog, accidental poisoning by arsenic, and swallowing of spurious +coin. + +6. How would you set, (1) a leg, (2) an arm, (3) a broken finger? If a +man is run over by a Hansom, what should you do? Describe an excellent +substitute for a litter, when you can obtain nothing better. + +7. State shortly what you consider your duty would be, (1) were the +country invaded, (2) were London in the hands of the mob, (3) were +your neighbourhood visited by fire, and decimated by the plague. + +There, _Mr. Punch_, if every School-Board scholar could supply +satisfactory answers to the above questions, I would not grudge +my shilling in the pound--nay, possibly look with equanimity on +eighteenpence!--Yours, cordially, + +ONE WHO IS SCHOOL-BORED. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CRICKET AT LORD'S. THE LUNCHEON-TIME. + +(_By Our Special Instantaneous Photographic Caricaturist._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "URBI ET ORBI." + +MR. PUNCH RETURNS HIS BEST THANKS TO ALL AND SINGULAR, THE PUBLIC AND +THE PRESS, FOR THE ENTHUSIASTIC RECEPTION WITH WHICH THE TOAST OF HIS +JUBILEE, EVERYWHERE AND BY EVERYBODY, HAS BEEN RECEIVED. TO EVERYONE +HEALTH AND HAPPINESS, PEACE AND PROSPERITY. + +PUNCH.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July_ 13. Emperor WILLIAM leaves to-day +having taken affectionate farewell of Grandmamma. On the whole been +most successful visit. Weather a little Frenchy in its tendency, +but not all rain and thunder. If things could only have been kept +comfortable to last moment there need have been nothing to mar success +of event. Unfortunately, TANNER's active brain discovered opportunity +of casting a stone at head of departing EMPEROR. Looking in at +Charing Cross Telegraph Office, intending to send sixpenny-worth +of genial remark to his late esteemed Leader PARNELL on result of +Carlow election, TANNER observed "Gutknecht" on shaft of lead pencil +gratuitously provided. Much puzzled at this; thought at first it was +RAIKES's way of spelling good night; found on inquiry it was German. + +TANNER's patriotic bosom filled with storm of indignation. "What!" +he cried, apostrophising the absent RAIKES, "at a time when trade is +declining, Ireland is unhappy, strikes are rampant, and human misery +seems to have reached its bitterest point, at such a time it might be +hoped you would have given up your days and nights to ameliorating +the common lot, instead of which you go about importing lead pencils +made in Germany, and so taking the very bread out of the mouth of the +British Workman." + +Might have asked question on subject a week ago when he made +discovery; adroitly put it down for to-night; and so whilst Emperor +WILLIAM was taking leave of Grandmamma in the stately halls of +Windsor, TANNER was flinging a lead pencil at his retreating figure, +stabbing him, so to speak, in the Imperial back with a commercial +product retailed at the inconsiderable price of twopence-halfpenny a +dozen. + +With some sense of relief House got into Committee of Supply. Various +questions brought up on Colonial Vote. P. and O. SUTHERLAND championed +claims of Singapore for deliverance from arbitrary conduct of +Government in levying military contributions. Doesn't often take +part in Debate; showed to-night that abstention is not due to lack of +debating faculty. Set forth case of his clients in clear business-like +speech, which commanded attention of audience, for whom topic itself +not particularly attractive. + +[Illustration: "A Bad Sixpence."] + +"SUTHERLAND," said the Member for Sark, one of his most attentive +listeners, "has introduced a new element into Parliamentary oratory. +His intercurrent cough is the most remarkable adjunct to oratory I +ever heard. Suppose the fact is, when he pauses, he is thinking over +the next word, or surveying for a new line of argument. Other men +would consult their notes. P. and O. indulges in a kind of clearing +of his throat, a compromise between a cough and an articulate +remark--commanding, conciliatory, threatening, beseeching, or +convincing, according as the exigencies of the moment require. As a +work of art, the only contemporary thing equal to it that I know, and +that, of course, in quite a different way, is some of the bye-play of +the old gentleman in _L'Enfant Prodigue_." + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday_.--Met CHAPLIN just now, striding along corridor, mopping his +statesmanlike brow with a bandana that would, on emergency, serve as +foresail for one of the cattle-carrying steamers just now troubling +the Minister for Agriculture. + +"Anything gone wrong?" I asked, for it was impossible to be blind to +his evident trepidation. + +"No, dear boy, it's all right as it turns out, but it might have +been otherwise. What do you think? LABBY's positively been moving the +reduction of the Vote by the amount of my salary! Shouldn't have been +surprised if some Member had got up, and, in neat speech, dilating +on the enormous forward strides made by the Empire since Ministry +of Agriculture was created, moved to double my screw. But to go and +propose to dock it altogether at the end of the first year is, if I +may say so, not encouraging." + +"Oh," I said, "you mustn't mind SAGE of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE; his bark is +worse than his bite." + +"Yes, I know," said CHAPLIN; "but I should be obliged to him if he'd +bark at someone else's heels. Not, mind you, that I care so much +about the money question. Between you and me (though don't let it go +further, or they might be holding me to my bargain), I would rather +pay £2000 a year than not have a seat on the Treasury Bench in charge +of a department. You've never tasted the delight of standing up in +a full House and reading out answer to a question, whilst all the +world hangs on your lips. Nor have you ever drunk the deep delight of +explaining a Bill, or replying on behalf of HER MAJESTY's Government +to an Amendment. The joy is all the greater to me, since it is newly +acquired. For years I sat below the Gangway, striving to catch the +SPEAKER's eye in competition with the herd, and when I succeeded +Members either howled at me or left the House. Now I speak without +waiting for the SPEAKER's call, and the House listens attentively to +the utterances of the Minister for Agriculture. That's better than +salary paid quarterly: worth paying for as I say. Still it's not +pleasant to have LABBY seriously proposing to stop your wages. Wish +he'd try it on someone else. There's PLUNKET for example; must put him +up in that quarter." + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +[Illustration: A Salmon Fisher.] + +_Thursday_.--A long dull night varied by occasional squalls. An +immense relief to Hon. Members, after sitting through an hour +discussing Alienation of Crown Rights in Salmon Fishing in Scotland, +on which CALDWELL delivers discourse, to have opportunity of +exercising their lungs. MORTON a benefactor in this respect. As soon +as ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS is discovered on his feet there goes forth a +howl that shakes the building. To-night rather awkward circumstance +followed. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rising for the eighth time, Members broke +forth into agonised howl that lasted several minutes. Was stopped +by sudden commotion at the Bar. Engineer PRIM rushed wildly in, +gesticulating towards the astonished Chair, and disappeared. A body of +workmen appearing mysteriously from depths beneath House, tumultuously +crossed the doorway, and also vanished. Presently news came that flood +of water was raging down staircase; gradually truth got at; a large +water-main had burst in Upper Committee Corridor; cracked at startling +sound of outburst upon ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS's re-appearance. + +"This is all very well," said PLUNKET. "I am myself no enthusiastic +admirer of MORTON's Parliamentary eloquence. Still, as First +Commissioner of Works, I feel this thing must be discouraged. Must +draw the line somewhere. Can't have our water-mains bursting with +vicarious indignation because MORTON would speak eight times in +Committee of Supply." + +_Business done_.--Committee of Supply. + +_Friday_.--In Lords to-night, STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, L.C.C., gave fresh +advertisement to CALDERON's picture, "_St. Elizabeth of Hungary._" +Not a pleasant subject, from any point of view, artistic or moral. +Everybody but well-meaning people like STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, glad to +drop it. He brings it forward at this late day; tries to make the +MARKISS responsible for whole business. The MARKISS protests that +STANLEY has had the advantage of him; hasn't even seen the picture. +"The only idea I have been able to form of it," he said to delighted +House, "is derived from a picture in _Punch_, in which _ZÆO_ is +showing her back to the Members of the County Council." Lords don't +often indulge in hearty laughter; this too much for them, and STANLEY +OF ALDERLEY temporarily extinguished, amid almost uproarious mirth. + +_Business done_.--Supply in Commons. + + * * * * * + +HIT AND MISS. + + [At Bisley, Miss LEALE, of Guernsey, has shot with + considerable success. Miss LEALE, though only nineteen years + old, is a shooting member of the National Rifle Association, + and has won several prizes at the meetings of the Guernsey + Rifle Association.] + + The Whirligig of Time! Its latest turn see + In this phenomenon who hails from Guernsey. + We've often met, at pic-nics or at dances, + Young ladies who were good at shooting--glances! + And glances that, alas! have often filled us + With tender feelings, if they have not killed us. + We've met fair maidens, who have found it pleasant + To tramp the moors for grouse, or shoot at pheasant; + Of some indeed who've had a go at grisly; + But never--until now--of one at Bisley. + Yet there she is, and whilst her sisters, sitting + At home, may spend their leisure time in knitting, + _She_ sits and shoots, nor does she very far get + From where she aims, the centre of the target. + Take off your hats to her as now we name her,--Miss + LEALE, of Guernsey! Gladly we acclaim her + For Womankind (triumphant in the Schools) high + Renown henceforth will look for in the bull's-eye, + And, tired of tennis, having quite with thimble done, + Will strive for laurels at the Modern Wimbledon! + + * * * * * + +MONTI THE MATADOR. + +(_ORIGINALLY INTENDED FOR THE F-RTN-GHTLY R-V-W._) + +"Yes, I'm better, and the Doctor tells me I've escaped once more. +That Doctor hates you--I know it. He has saved me--to tell you the +story--The story _I_ have been trying to tell to some one for thirty +years." + +I was talking to Old MONTI, whose full name was MONTI DI PIETA--as a +pledge of his respectability. He was a descendant of the Pornbrocheros +del Treballos d'Oro. He was subsequently called Monkey--as a tribute +to his character. + +"I should like you to tell me," I said, "for you must know that for +years I have seen the snows on the Lagartigo, and the moonlight on +the--" + +"Stop!" he cried--"you are going to begin padding. That will do for a +magazine, not for me!" and he snapped his fingers at me. + +But I was not to be put off. He was weak--a cripple--and I gave him +the choice of listening to a personally-conducted tour in the South of +Spain, or relating his adventures. + +"I will have my revenge!" he muttered. "You shall hear my life from +the beginning. You must know, then, that sixty years ago I was born, +and--" + +"Yes," I returned, interrupting him--"of poor parents. Your father +was coarse, your mother pious. You learned all you could about bulls, +which you kept from your father, and you were ultimately engaged as a +bull-fighter--" + +"Stop, stop!" he cried. "If you cut out about a dozen pages of my +biography, at least let me explain how I saved my father. You must +know--" + +"I will do it for you in a line," I said, sharply. "Your father lost +his temper, and tried bullying the bull (no joke), and you winked +at the animal. He knew you, and stood still. The bull went for your +father--you for the bull. Drive on!" + +"Let me tell you then, how I prepared myself for the Ring by +practising on a dummy bull.--I had no difficulty in sticking pins into +it--it was quite calm. Then I tried the same game on a sheep, and +got knocked down for my pains! One of my monkey tricks! Then I got +acquainted with some Irish bulls, and letting them off on my friends +got several thumps on the head." + +"No," I interrupted him sternly, "get on with your story." + +"Well, at length I met JUAN at the beginning of May." + +"Make it first of April," I said, severely. + +"He was the Toreador out of _Carmen_, to put it shortly," he +continued, not deigning to notice my interruption--"and he introduced +me to the bull-fight. Of course I had to pay my footing (a very +uncertain one) in _duros_, or hard cash. Then every morning I ate a +_chuto_ (a sort of small cabbage) at my dinner--then they tried me as +a _capa_, to test (so they said) my capability. The chief patron was +the Duke of MEDICINA, who in early youth had been a doctor--hence his +title--and I shall never forget his first greeting." + +"Your story!" I interrupted, sternly, finding that the old man was +once more becoming tedious. + +"I returned," replied the dotard, with a senile chuckle, "that he was +wrong. His answer was beyond my meaning--he muttered something about +'mutton and _capa_ sauce.' I was engaged," continued the dotard, with +a feeble grin, "as a _capa_ for seventy years certain, with an annual +benefit once in four years, with a salary of forty-two thousand a +year--which in those days seemed to me to be a small fortune." + +[Illustration: "They made an Idol of me."] + +"They are wretchedly paid in Spain," I observed. + +"They are," he acquiesced. "I was paid a week in advance, and have +lived upon the proceeds ever since. And now my life was indeed a merry +one. I was free of the Ring. Now I played the cornet in the _Brassos +Banderillos_, and my performance pleased the _aficionados_ (or +advertising agents) so well, that my name was known throughout the +Peninsula." + +"Well," once more I interrupted, "I suppose you met a Spanish beauty, +fell in love with her, and was cut out by a party of the name of +JUAN?" + +"However do you think of such clever things?" asked the old man, in a +tone of extreme astonishment. "But you are right. I placed CLEMENCIA +one day in the _pal co_ (or part reserved for friends), and the bull +tossed me. Ah, she trampled upon me--treated me like a mat. But I +loved her and adored myself. Hence I was called a 'Mat-Adorer.' I +repeat, the bull tossed me, and I did not come down heads." + +"Go on." + +"I was ill, and neglected, but soon recovered sufficiently to kill +sixty-six bulls in succession." + +"Surely you are exaggerating?" + +"You are perfectly right," he answered, with a blush. "I killed +sixty-five--the sixty-sixth was only mortally wounded. And now the +people made an idol of me. I was absolutely worshipped"-- + +"Come to the point," I said, in a tone that showed I was not to be +trifled with. + +"No _that_ was the fate of JUAN. At the end of a game of _toros_ +(which is Spanish for marbles) he said to me (in excellent Spanish), +'MONTI, me bhoy, philaloo! ye will shtay by me?' 'That will I--as +shure as me name is TIM--I should say MONTI,' I responded, in choice +Castilian. The bull came up, I looked him in the eye, raised my +_shillalo_ (a short Spanish club), and, crying 'Whist!' he cut for +partners. JUAN was cut a deal." + +"That bull was a ripper," I murmured. + +"Bedad he was that, Sorr," returned the dotard, whose Spanish became +more and more Castilian every moment. "CLEMENICA died the next +morning. But I am remorseful--that I did not kill her myself. And +now I have had my revenge! I have told ye the story! I know you--your +name's H-A-R-"-- + +He gave a gasp and died. + +But I too had _my_ revenge. I sent the tale I had just heard to the +_F-rtn-ghtly R-v-w_. + +M.F.H. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, July 25, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13465 *** |