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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101,
+July 25, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, July 25, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 15, 2004 [EBook #13465]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+July 25, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+[Illustration: _Amonasro_ (_the Black King_). "I am your father. I've
+kept myself dark so long that I've become quite black!"
+
+_Aïda_ (_the White Maiden_). "Oh! go away, black man; don't come anigh
+me!! You ought to be _Otello_ to-morrow night."
+
+_Little Ravelli-Radames_ (_aside_). "No matter what colour, I love
+her!!"]
+
+[Illustration: Covent Garden Stars seen through the Harriscope.]
+
+_Tuesday, July 14_.--Madame NORDICA is not at her best as _Aïda_. It
+lacks colour--that is on the face and hands, where at least should
+be shown some more "colourable pretence" for being the daughter of so
+blackened a character as is her father _Amonasro_, played as a villain
+of the deepest dye by M. DEVOYOD. When the celebrated march was
+heard, the players didn't seem particularly strong in trumps, and the
+trumpets giving a somewhat "uncertain sound,"--a trifle husky, as if
+they'd caught cold,--somewhat marred the usually thrilling effect.
+Gorgeous scene; and RAVELLI the Reliable as _Radames_ quite the
+success of the evening. Mlle. GUERCIA as _Amneris_ seemed to have
+made up after an old steel plate in a bygone Book of Beauty. Where
+are those Books of Beauty now! And _The Keepsake_? Where the
+pseudo-Byronic poetry and the short stories by Mrs. NAMBY and Mr.
+PAMBY? But this is only a marginal note, not in the Operatic score.
+Signor ABRAMOFF was a powerful _Ramphis_, his make-up suggesting
+that his title would be more appropriately _Rumfiz_,--which would
+be an excellent Egyptian name. Very good House, but still suffering
+from reaction after Imperial visit, and not to recover itself till
+to-morrow, _Wednesday_, when the House is crowded with a brilliant
+audience to hear a brilliant performance of _Otello. The Grand Otello
+Co. Covent Garden, Limited_. Thoroughly artistic performance of _Iago_
+by M. MAUREL. His wicked "Credo" more diabolically malicious than
+ever it was at the Lyceum; an uncanny but distinctly striking effect.
+Then DRURIOLANUS ASTRONOMICUS gave us a scenic startler in the way
+of imitation meteoric effect. 'Twas on this wise: of course, neither
+DRURIOLANUS nor any other Manager can carry on an operatic season
+without stars, and so they are here, a galaxy of 'em, up above, on
+the "back cloth," as it is technically termed, shining brilliantly but
+spasmodically, strange portents in the operatic sky. Pity Astronomer
+Royal not here to see and note the fact. Next time _Otello_ is given,
+if this atmospheric effect is to be repeated, the attendants in the
+lobbies might be permitted to supply powerful telescopes at a small
+fixed charge. But the greatest star of all is Madame ALBANI as
+_Desdemona_; a triumph dramatically and operatically. Her song in the
+last Act, the celebrated "_Willow Song_"--which of course no cricketer
+ought to miss hearing--was most beautifully and touchingly rendered.
+Those persons suffering from the heat of a crowded house, and dreading
+the difficulty of finding their "keb or kerridge" in good time, and
+who therefore quitted their seats before ALBANI sang the "_Willow
+Song_," must, perforce, sing the old refrain, "_O Willow, we have
+missed you!_" and go back for it whenever this Opera is played again.
+M. JEAN DE RESZKÉ was not, perhaps, quite up to his usual form, or his
+usual former self; but, for all that, he justified his responsibility
+as one of the largest shareholders in the Grand Otello Company,
+Limited. All things considered, and the last best thing being
+invariably quite the best, _Otello, or Symphonies in Black and White_,
+is about the biggest success of the season.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO AMANDA.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+(_ACCOMPANYING A SET OF VERSES WHICH SHE BADE ME WRITE._)
+
+  Only a trifle, though, i' faith, 'tis smart,
+  A _jeu d'esprit_, not art concealing art,
+    Fruition of a moment's fantasy,
+    Mere mental bubbles, verbal filagree.
+
+  But, though thy lightest wish I would not thwart,
+  I prithee bid me play some other part
+  Another time, and I will give thee _carte
+    Blanche_ to dictate; in truth aught else will be
+                            Only a trifle,
+  Compared with versifying. I will dart,
+  At thy behest, e'en to the public mart
+   To buy a bonnet, or will gleefully
+   Carry a babe through Bond Street. My sole plea
+  Is--no more verses. Surely 'tis, sweetheart,
+                        Only a trifle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUPPLEMENTARY AND CORRECTIVE.--In his Jubilee Number Mr. PUNCH
+remarked, "Merely to mention _all_ the bright pens and pencils which
+have occasionally contributed to my pages would occupy much space."
+And space then was limited. But among the "Great Unnamed" _should_
+assuredly have been mentioned W.H. WILLS, one of the originators of
+Mr. PUNCH's publication, CLEMENT SCOTT the flowing lyrist, and author
+of "The Cry of the Children," &c., ASHBY STERRY of "Lazy Minstrel"
+fame, and "ROBERT," the genial garrulous "City Waiter," whilst the
+names of J.P. ("Dumb-Crambo") ATKINSON, and E.J. WHEELER, were omitted
+by the purest accident. The late H.J. BYRON contributed a series
+of papers. Mr. PUNCH hastens to put them--as he would gladly some
+others--"on the list," since, of no one of them, could it be truly
+said "he never would be missed." "HALBOT" was a misprint for "HABLÔT,"
+"MAGUIN HANNAY" should read "MAGINN, HANNAY, &c.," and for "_GEORGE_
+SILVER" read "HENRY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE METROPOLITAN MINOTAUR;
+
+OR, THE LONDON LABYRINTH AND THE COUNTY COUNCIL THESEUS.
+
+    ["Certainly, if some members of the London County Council have
+    their way, it will soon have plenty to occupy it without
+    being called upon to form a scheme of water-supply for the
+    Metropolis."--_The Times_.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_L.C.C. loquitur_:--
+
+  Bless me! Things combine so a hero to humble!
+  I fancied that Bull-headed Minotaur--BUMBLE,
+  Would fall to my hand like Pasiphae's monster
+  To Theseus. But oh! every step that I on stir
+  Bemuddles me more. I _did_ think myself clever,
+  But fear from the Centre I'm farther than ever,
+  Oh, this _is_ a Labyrinth! Worse than the Cretan!
+  Yet shall the new Theseus admit himself beaten?
+  Forbid it, great Progress! Your votary I, Ma'am,
+  But in this Big Maze it seems small use to try, Ma'am.
+  Mere roundaboutation's not Progress. Get forward?
+  Why eastward, and westward and southward, and nor'ward,
+  Big barriers stop me! Eh? Centralisation?
+  Demolish that monster, Maladministration,
+  Whose menaces fright the fair tower-crowned Maiden.
+  Most willingly, Madam; but look how I'm laden,
+  And hampered! Oh! I should be grateful to you, Ma'am,
+  If, like Ariadne, you'd give me a clue, Ma'am.
+  _I_'ll never--like treacherous Theseus--desert you;
+  My constancy's staunch, like my valour and virtue.
+  Through Fire, Water, Wilderness trackless I'll follow,
+  But astray in a Maze high ambition seems hollow!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WATERLOO TO WEYBRIDGE.
+
+BY THE 6.5 P.M.
+
+  A young man--it's no matter who--
+  Hailed a cab and remarked "Waterloo!"
+    The driver, with bowed
+    Head, sobbed out aloud,
+  "Which station?" They frequently do.
+
+  A poet once said that to Esher
+  The only good rhyme was "magnesher;"
+    This was not the fact,
+    And he had to retract,
+  Which he did--he retracted with plesher.
+
+  A fancier cried: "There's one fault on
+  The part of the sparrows at Walton;
+    And that's why I fail
+    To put salt on their tail--
+  The birds have no tails to put salt on."
+
+  The dulness of riding to Weybridge
+  Pleasant chat (mind the accent) may _a_bridge,
+    But not when it deals
+    With detaching of wheels,
+  Collisions, explosions, and Tay Bridge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STOLEN PICTURES.--The _Débats_ informed us, last week, that the
+thief who stole TENIERS' pictures from the Museum at Rennes has been
+discovered. His punishment should "fit the crime," as Mr. GILBERT's
+_Mikado_ used to say, and therefore he ought to be sentenced to penal
+servitude for _Ten years_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION.
+
+_Dick_ (_who hasn't sold a single Picture this year_). "AND AS FOR
+THE BEASTLY BRITISH PUBLIC, NOTHING REALLY GOOD _EVER_ GOES DOWN WITH
+IT--NOTHING BUT VULGAR ROT!"
+
+_Tom_ (_who has sold every Picture he has painted_). "OH, BOSH AND
+GAMMON, MY DEAR FELLOW. GOOD HONEST WORK IS _ALWAYS_ SURE OF ITS
+MARKET--AND ITS _PRICE_!"
+
+[_Next year their luck will be reversed, and also their opinions of
+the B.P._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+_Wednesday, June 11th_.--Left Billsbury last Saturday, having in DICKY
+DIKES's words "broken the back of the blooming canvas." During my
+last night's round we went into a small house in one of the slums. The
+husband was out, but the wife and family were all gathered together
+in the back room. There were five children, ranging in age from ten
+down to two, and the mother looked the very picture of slatternly
+discomfort. We asked the usual questions, and I was just turning to
+go, when I heard a violent fit of convulsive coughing from a dark
+corner. The mother got up and went to the corner. I couldn't help
+following, and saw the most miserable spectacle I ever set eyes on. In
+a sort of cradle was lying the smallest, frailest and most absolutely
+pinched and colourless baby choking with every cough, and gasping
+horribly for breath. I don't know what I said, but the mother turned
+to DIKES and said, "He haven't much longer to cough. I shall want the
+undertakers for him soon." I asked her if nothing could be done, but
+she merely replied, "It'll be better so. We've too many mouths to feed
+without him." I couldn't stay longer after that, but fairly bolted out
+of the house.
+
+Our people are jubilant about our prospects. The canvas shows, they
+say, a steady increase in our favour, the registrations have been
+uniformly good, and, best of all, Sir THOMAS CHUBSON again voted and
+spoke on the wrong side, when the Billsbury Main Drainage Bill came on
+for Second Reading in the House the other day. Our point is of course
+that, if this scheme were carried out, there would be a great deal of
+work for Billsbury labourers, and, somehow or other, a large amount
+of money would be spent in the town. We have rubbed this well in at
+every meeting we have held lately, and found it a most effective
+point during the canvas. CHUBSON and the Radicals talk about a great
+increase of the rates which would follow on it; but we pooh-pooh this,
+and point out that the ultimate saving would be enormous, and that the
+health of the town must be benefited. They don't like the business at
+all, and feel they've made a mistake.
+
+Have been made on successive nights a Druid, a Forester, and a Loyal
+and Ancient Shepherd. All these three are Benefit Societies, and the
+mysteries of initiation into each are very similar. Colonel CHORKLE
+(who ought to have gone through the business long ago) was made a
+Druid with me. I never saw anybody so nervous. All the courage of
+all the CHORKLES seemed to have deserted him, and he trembled like a
+Volunteer aspen. I told Major WORBOYS on the following day that his
+Colonel, who I was sure might be trusted to face a hostile battery
+without flinching, had been very nervous when he was made a Druid.
+WORBOYS sneered, and said that he'd be willing to take his chance of
+CHORKLE's facing the battery or not, if CHORKLE would only learn to
+ride decently. "Give you my word of honour," said WORBOYS, "when the
+General inspected us last year, CHORKLE's horse ran away with him
+three times, and at last we had to march past without him. One of the
+tamest horses in the world, too. My boy JACK rides it constantly." But
+WORBOYS despises CHORKLE, and thinks he ought to command the regiment
+himself. He spread it all over Billsbury that CHORKLE was found hiding
+under a table when he was summoned to be initiated, and was dragged
+out screaming piteously for mercy.
+
+On my last morning I was interviewed by a deputation from the
+Billsbury Branch of The Women's Suffrage League. The deputation
+consisted of Mrs. BOSER, the President of the Branch, Miss AMY
+GINGELL, the Secretary, and two others. It was a trying business. Mrs.
+BOSER is the most formidable person I ever met. I felt like a babe
+in her hands after she had glowered at me for five minutes. Finally
+I found myself, rather to my own astonishment, promising to vote for
+a Women's Suffrage Bill, and adding that Mrs. BOSER's arguments had
+convinced me that justice had in this matter been too long denied to
+women, and that for my part, if elected, I should lose no opportunity
+of recording my vote on the side of women. They seemed pleased,
+but the _Meteor_ of the next day had a frightful leader about the
+"shameful want of moral fibre in a Conservative Candidate who was thus
+content to put the whole Constitution into the melting-pot, if by so
+doing he could only secure a few stray votes, and get the help of the
+women in his coal-and-blanket expeditions."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
+
+NO. I.
+
+    SCENE--_An Excursion Agents' Offices. Behind the counters
+    polite and patient Clerks are besieged by a crowd of Intending
+    Tourists, all asking questions at once._
+
+_First Int. T._ Here--have you made out that estimate for me yet?
+
+_Clerk_. In one moment, Sir. (_He refers to a list, turns over
+innumerable books, jots down columns of francs, marks, and florins;
+reduces them to English money, and adds them up._) First class fares
+on the Rhine, Danube and Black Sea steamers, I think you said, second
+class rail, and postwagen?
+
+_First Int. T._ I did say so, I believe; but it had better be second
+class all through, and I can always pay the difference if I want to.
+
+    [_The Clerk alters the sums accordingly, and adds up again._
+
+_Clerk_. Fifty-five pounds fourteen and a penny, Sir. Shall I make you
+put the tickets now?
+
+_First Int. T._ Um, no. On second thoughts, I'd like to see one of
+your short Circular Tours for the English Lakes, or Wales, before I
+decide.
+
+    [_The Clerk hands him a quantity of leaflets, with which he
+    retires._
+
+    _Enter Mr. CLARENDON CULCHARD, age about twenty-eight; in
+    Somerset House; tall; clean-shaven, wears glasses, stoops
+    slightly, dresses carefully, though his tall hat is of the
+    last fashion but two. He looks about him expectantly, and then
+    sits down to wait._
+
+_Culchard_ (_to himself_). No sign of him yet! I _do_ like a man to
+keep an appointment. If this is the way he _begins_--I have my doubts
+whether he is _quite_ the sort of fellow to--but I took the precaution
+to ask HUGH ROSE about him, and ROSE said he was the best company in
+the world, and I couldn't help getting on with him. I don't think
+ROSE would deceive me. And from all I've seen of PODBURY, he seems
+a pleasant fellow enough. What a Babel! All these people bent on
+pleasure, going to seek it in as many directions--with what success no
+one can predict. There's an idea for a sonnet there.
+
+    [_He brings out a pocket-book, and begins to write--"As when
+    a--"_
+
+_An Amurrcan Citizen_ (_to_ Clerk). See here, I've been around with
+your tickets in Yurrup, and when I was at Vernis, I bought some goods
+at a store there, and paid cash down for 'em, and they promised to
+send 'em on for me right here, and that was last fall, and I've never
+heard any more of 'em, and what I want _you_ should do now is to
+instruct your representative at Vernis to go round and hev a talk with
+that man, and ask him what in thunder he means by it, and kinder hint
+that he'll hev the Amurrcan Consul in his hair pretty smart, if he
+don't look slippier!
+
+    [_The Clerk mildly suggests that it would be better to
+    communicate directly with the American Consulate, or with
+    the tradesman himself._
+
+_The A.C._ But hold on--how'm I goin' to write to that sharp,
+when I've lost his address, and disremember his name? Can't you
+mail a few particulars to your agent, so he'll identify him? No.
+(_Disappointed._) Well, I thought you'd ha' fixed up a little thing
+like that, anyhow; in my country they'd ha' done it right away. Yes,
+_Sir_! [_He goes away in grieved surprise._
+
+_Enter Mr. JAMES PODBURY, age twenty-six; in a City Office;
+short, fresh-coloured, jaunty; close-cut fair hair, and small auburn
+moustache. Not having been to the City to-day, he is wearing light
+tweeds, and brown boots._
+
+_Podbury_ (_to himself_). Just nicked it!--(_looks at clock_)--more or
+less. And he doesn't seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall
+hit it off together. HUGHIE ROSE said he was a capital good chap--when
+you once got over his manner. Anyhow, it's a great tip to go abroad
+with a fellow who knows the ropes. (_Suddenly sees CULCHARD absorbed
+in his note-book._) So _here_ you are, eh?
+
+_Culchard_ (_slightly scandalised by the tweeds and the brown boots_).
+Yes, I've been here some little time. I wish you could have managed to
+come before, because they close early here to-day, and I wanted to go
+thoroughly over the tour I sketched out before getting the tickets.
+[_He produces an elaborate outline._
+
+_Podbury_ (_easily_). Oh, _that's_ all right! I don't care where _I_
+go! All I want is, to see as much as we can in the time--leave all the
+rest to you. I'll sit here while you get the tickets.
+
+_An Old Lady_ (_to Clerk, as CULCHARD_) _is waiting at the counter_).
+Oh, I _beg_ your pardon, but _could_ you inform me if the 1'55 train
+from Calais to Basle stops long enough for refreshments anywhere, and
+when they examine the luggage, and if I can leave my handbag in the
+carriage, and whether there is an English service at Yodeldorf, and
+is it held in the hotel, and Evangelical, or High Church, and are the
+sittings free, and what Hymn-book they use?
+
+    [_The Clerk sets her mind free on as many of these points as
+    he can, and then attends to CULCHARD._
+
+_Culchard_ (_returning to PODBURY with two cases bulging with books
+of coloured coupons_). Here are yours. I should like you to run your
+eye over them, and see that they are correct, if you don't mind.
+
+_Podbury_ (_stuffing them in his pocket_). Can't be bothered now. Take
+your word for it.
+
+[Illustration: Yes, Sir!]
+
+_Culchard_. No--but considering that we start the first thing
+to-morrow morning, wouldn't it be as well to have some idea of where
+you're going? And, by the way, excuse me, but is it altogether prudent
+to keep your tickets in an outside pocket like that? I always keep
+mine, with my money, in a special case in an inner pocket, with a
+buttoned nap--then I know I _can't_ lose them.
+
+_Podbury_. Anything for a quiet life! (_He examines his coupons._)
+Dover to Ostend? Never been there--like to see what Ostend's like. But
+why didn't you go by Calais?--_shorter_ you know.
+
+_Culchard_. Because I thought we'd see Bruges and Ghent on our way to
+Brussels.
+
+_Podbury_. Bruges, eh? Capital! Anything particular going on there?
+No? It don't matter. And Ghent--let's see, wasn't that where they
+brought the good news to? Yes, we'll stop at Ghent--if we've time.
+Then--Brussels? Good deal of work to be done there, I suppose,
+sightseeing, and that? I like a place where you can moon about without
+being bothered myself; now, at _Brussels_--never mind, I was only
+thinking.
+
+_Culch._ It's the best place to get to Cologne and up the Rhine from.
+Then, you see, we go rather out of our way to Nuremberg--
+
+_Podbury_. Where they make toys? _I_ know--pretty festive there, eh?
+
+_Culch._ I don't know about festive--but it is--er--a quaint,
+and highly interesting old place. Then I thought we'd dip down to
+Constance, and strike across the Alps to the Italian Lakes.
+
+_Podbury_. Italian Lakes? First--rate! Yes, _they_'re worth seeing, I
+suppose. Think they're better than the _Swiss_ ones, though?
+
+_Culch._ (_tolerantly_). I can get the coupons changed for
+Switzerland, if you prefer it. The Swiss Lakes may be the more
+picturesque.
+
+_Podbury_. Yes, we'll do Switzerland--and run back by Paris, eh? Not
+much to do in Switzerland, though, after all!
+
+_Culch._ (_with a faintly superior smile_). There are one or two
+mountains, I believe. But, personally, I should prefer Italy.
+
+_Podbury_. So should I. No fun in mountains--unless you go up 'em.
+What do you think of choosing some quiet place, where nobody ever
+goes--say in France or Germany--and, sticking to _that_. More of a
+rest, wouldn't it be? such a bore having to know a lot; of people!
+
+_Culch._ I don't see how we can change _all_ the tickets, really. If
+you like, we could stop a week at St. Goarshausen.
+
+_Podbury_. What's St. Goarshausen like--cheery?
+
+_Culch._ I understood the idea was to keep away from our fellow
+countrymen, and as far as I can remember St. Goarshausen, it is not
+overrun with tourists--we should be quiet enough _there_.
+
+_Podbury_. That's the place for _me_, then. Or could we push on to
+Vienna? Never seen Vienna.
+
+_Culch._ If you like to give up Italy altogether.
+
+_Podbury_. What do you say to _beginning_ with Italy and working back?
+Too hot, eh? Well, then, we'll let things be as they are--I daresay it
+will do well enough. So _that's_ settled!
+
+_Culchard_ (_to himself on parting, after final arrangements
+concluded_). I wish ROSE had warned me that PODBURY's habit of mind
+was so painfully desultory. (_He sighs._) However--
+
+_Podbury_ (_to himself_). Wonder now long I shall take to get over
+CULCHARD's manner. (_He sighs._) I wish old HUGHIE was coming--he'd
+give me a leg over!
+
+    [_He walks on thoughtfully._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OFF TO MASHERLAND.
+
+(_BY OUR OWN GRANDOLPH._)
+
+[Illustration: "Put out the light, and then--" Being the true story of
+The Wonderful Lamp.]
+
+I pause in my communications. Friends, real friends, have wired
+over accounts of me on the trip, which have not been written by
+"friendlies." Somebody wrote to _Black and White_ what purported to
+be Notes about me aboard the gallant _Grantully Castle_, than which
+a better-found vessel--"found" is the word--never put to sea. This
+somebody ("bless him!"--DR-MM-ND W-LFF will know what I mean) observes
+that "he didn't notice" any particular gratitude on my part towards
+Captain HAY and his talented assistants. Hay! what? why, confound
+them, I was all gratitude! Is it because I did not run at him, embrace
+him, and shake his arms off, that therefore I did not _feel_ grateful!
+I was awfully grateful. I felt inclined to alter the name of the
+vessel to the _Gratefully_ _Castle_. But "she" (you always call a
+vessel "she"--isn't that nautical?) "is" as the song says "another's,
+and never can be mine!" so I can't change her name. I was overpowered
+by my feelings--and what does that mean but the swallowing, with a
+gurgle in the throat, of the silent tear, and the avoidance of the
+topic uppermost in one's mind at the moment.
+
+"The soldier leant upon his sword, and wiped away a tear"--but the
+sailor didn't, _Verb. sap._ What did I do? Why, in my note of notes,
+my Private Diary, I made this mem., "_Make Hay while the sun shines._"
+Now what, I ask any unprejudiced person, what does this mean? If
+Captain HAY were suddenly to be promoted in the hay-day of his
+valuable career to be an Admiral, would he suspect that he owed this
+elevation to the man who, strictly obeying the ship's orders, _never
+even spoke to the man at the wheel_? Now to come to the next point.
+This correspondent girds at my having had a special cabin and a
+special steward. _Why!_ the envious grumbler! if he had been as
+specially unwell as I was--but there, I own I lose patience with
+him--didn't I go out as a "Special," and if a Special doesn't have
+everything special about him, _he is simply obtaining money under
+false pretences_. I've a great mind--I hear the jeerer snigger in his
+sleeve--but I repeat emphatically I have a great mind to come back.
+"He will return, I know him well," my traducers may sing; and I
+shall return when I consider my special work specially done in my own
+special manner, and be blowed to em all, the detractors!
+
+[Illustration: Grandolph confiding to the _Chef_ his secret receipt
+for cooking a flying-fish.]
+
+He grumbles because I had _a special portable light_ all to myself,
+"when I wanted to play cards." Aha! do we see the cloven hoof now?
+Was I to play cards _in the dark_? Those who know me best know that I
+am all fair and above-board, and no hole-and-corner gambling for me.
+And what tale has he to tell? Why that "_Another night, not using his
+special light at the time, two other passengers began a game of chess
+under its rays._" Which they had no right whatever to do. But I winked
+at it, and when the first officer was coming his rounds I winked
+at _them_; but this friendly act on my part they did not heed, and
+consequently _to save them from being put in irons_ and confined in
+the deepest dungeon beneath the _Grantully Castle_ moat, I "_came
+along just then_," as he reports, "_and removed the lamp to another
+part of the deck, leaving the chess-players in the dark_"--as if this
+consequence were anything extraordinary when a lamp is removed! Why
+any schoolboy, the merest tyro in Scripture History, knows where the
+great Hebrew Lawgiver was _when the candle went out_. And were these
+passengers to be exempt from the action of Nature's ordinary laws!
+Bah!--"_without a word of apology or explanation_." I _had_ winked,
+but they were worse than blind horses, and more resembled the
+inferior quadruped in obstinately refusing to move, or in subsequently
+acknowledging this act of thoughtful kindness on my part.
+
+As to my eating for breakfast a flying-fish, which somebody on board
+had caught and given me, all I ask is, _why shouldn't I?_ I never had
+eaten a flying-fish before, and I don't think I ever shall again. If
+the gentleman who caught it didn't want me to eat it, he should have
+said so: for there were three courses open to him; viz., _first_, to
+refuse to give it me; _secondly_, to give it me on condition that I
+kept it in memory of the occasion; _thirdly_, to throw it back into
+the sea. But there was only one course open to _me_ when I got it,
+and that was the first course at breakfast; the second course was
+kidgeree. It was a small fish _just enough for one_, and now I rather
+fancy I remember this _Black and White_ correspondent, for it must
+have been he, coming to my table, eyeing the fish, smacking his lips,
+and observing that _he_ "had never had the chance of tasting a fried
+flying-fish." At that moment I was just finishing the tail (a sweet
+morsel and not the worst part by any means), and there was nothing
+left to offer him. So he went away disappointed, with a grudge against
+yours truly. This, Sir, is the true tale of the flying-fish, and
+if it isn't, let me hear the revised version from my aspersers and
+caluminators. I can write no more to-day. I am boiling over, and must
+go and kick somebody. Yours, &c.,
+
+[Illustration: Grandolph the Explorer.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HANWELLIAN PRIZE COMPETITION.
+
+_CONDITIONS._
+
+1. Entrance fee, to defray cost of postage, &c., two guineas.
+
+2. All communications to be written illegibly, and on both sides of
+the paper only--not on the edges.
+
+3. The Committee do not bind themselves to accept the lowest or any
+tender; or to start at the time advertised in the Company's tables; or
+to be in any way responsible for their own actions.
+
+4. Competitors will be prosecuted.
+
+5. A prize of one shilling will be awarded to all competitors who
+fail; the winners will be able to make their way in life without
+prizes.
+
+6. Human beings and others are not eligible for this competition.
+
+Subject to the above conditions, it is requested that puzzles or
+questions may be forwarded to the following solutions:--
+
+_First Solution_.--Twenty-eight, if before March 17th; one hundred and
+forty-six, if after that date.
+
+_Second Solution_.--Put six pigs in the first stye; then go back and
+fetch the fox from the other side of the river, returning with the
+remaining cockatrice. Then put yourself in the second stye, never come
+put any more, and subtract.
+
+_Third Solution_.--Positive, Regret; Comparative, Regatta;
+Superlative, _Requiescat in pace_.
+
+_Fourth Solution_.--Countesses; because the sun (son) never sets
+there.
+
+_Fifth Solution_.--Cut along dotted line to point A. Then fold back,
+and cross to point C, keeping mark B on the left. Stop, if you can,
+before getting to remark D. Bad language never does any good.
+
+_Sixth Solution_.--This is a mere catch, and only suitable for quite
+young children. Of course, it is obvious that the elephant could not
+have been on the outside, because there never _are_ two Mondays in the
+week. Hush! the Bogie Man. _Exit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RATHER LATE IN THE DAY, PERHAPS!
+
+"OH, GRANDPAPA DEAR, SUCH FUN! THE FORTUNE-TELLER'S COME! _DO_ COME
+AND HAVE YOUR FORTUNE TOLD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JEAMES'S SUMMARY.
+
+_OR, LE MONDE OÙ L'ON S'ENNUIE._
+
+    ["Now that the pageantry and the social stir evoked by the
+    presence of the Imperial guests are over, there are few who
+    will care to prolong the dreary and disappointing existence
+    either of the Season or of the Session."--_The Times_.]
+
+_Jeames loquitur_:--
+
+  _Ya-a-a-w!_ Yes, young man, you've 'it it there, penny-a-liner as
+      you may be,
+  And knowing, probably, no more about _hus_ than a coster's baby;
+  But dull it 'as been, and no kid, and dreary, too, and disappinting;
+  Is it this Sosherlistic rot Society is so disjinting,
+  The Hinfluenza, or Hard Times, them Hirish, or wotever _is_ it?
+  _I_ couldn't 'ave 'eld on at all, I'm sure, but for the HEMP'ROR's visit.
+  _Ya-a-a-w!_ 'Ang it, 'ow I've got the gapes! Bring us a quencher, you
+      young Buttons!
+  And mind it's cool, and with a 'ed! _Hour_ family is reg'lar gluttons
+  For "Soshal Stir." The guv'nor, he's a rising Tory M.P., he is.
+  And Missis all the Season through as busy as a bloomin' bee is,
+  A gathering Fashion's honey up from every hopening flower. _That's_
+      natty.
+  I _'ave_ a turn for poetry; you're quite right there, my pretty PATTY.
+  Lor! 'ow that gal admires these carves! But that's "irrevelant," as
+      the sayin' is;
+  Master and Missis both complain 'ow dull and slow the game they're
+      playin' is.
+  The Session? Yah! Give me the days, the dear old days of darling DIZZY!
+  With him and GLADSTONE on the job a chap _could_ say "Now we are busy."
+  But SMITH's a slug, 'ARCOURT's a hum, and LABBY makes a chap go squirmish.
+  Dull as ditchwater the whole thing. One longs e'en for a Hirish skirmish;
+  But PARNELL's _fo par_, and his spite, 'ave knocked the sparkle out
+      of PADDY.
+  No; Parlyment's a played-out fraud, flabby and footy, flat and faddy.
+  The Season's similar. Season? Bah? By sech a name it ain't worth
+      calling.
+  Shoulders like these and carves like those was not _quite_ made for
+      pantry-sprawling;
+  But wot's the use? Trot myself hout for 'Ebrews, or some tuppenny
+      kernel?
+  No, not for JEAMES, if he is quite aweer of it! It's just infernal,
+  The Vulgar Mix that calls itself Society. All shoddy slyness,
+  And moneybags; a "blend" as might kontamernate a Ryal 'Igness,
+  Or infry-dig a Hemperor. It won't nick JEAMES though, not percisely;
+  Better to flop in solitude than to demean one's self unwisely.
+  Won't ketch _me_ selling myself off. I must confess my 'art it 'arrers
+  To see the Strorberry-Leaves go cheap--like strorberries on low coster's
+      barrers!
+  Tuppence a pound! Yes, that's the cry. It's _cheapness_, that Rad fad,
+      that's done it.
+  Prime fruit _ought_ to be scarce and dear, picked careful, and _kept in
+      the punnet_.
+  The same with _all_ chice things I 'old, whether 'tis footmen's carves
+      or peerages;
+  But fools forget that good old rule in this yer queerest of all queer
+      ages.
+  Trade bad, things in the City tight, no Court worth mentioning, queer
+      scandals,
+  Socierty inwaded by a lot of jumped-up Goths and Wandals;
+  Swell-matches few, gurls' chances poor, late Spring, and lots o' sloppy
+      weather,
+  With that there Hinfluenza--wich perhaps is wus than all together--
+  All over the dashed shop! When was a Season sech a sell as this is?
+  Wot wonder that it aggeravates us all, pertikler Me and Missis?
+  Ah! But for our "Himperial Guests" the _Times_' young man names with sech
+      feeling,
+  I don't know wot I _should_ 'ave done. A dismal dulness seems a-stealing
+  Afore its time o'er every think; and now Our Guests's gone wot reason,
+  As the _Times_ sez, for trying to perlong the Session or the Season?
+  _Ya-a-a-w!_ I shall gape my 'ed off 'ere. The Row's a bore, the 'Ouse a
+      fetter.
+  And now the HEMP'ROR's slung 'is 'ook, the sooner _we_ are horf the better!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LUSUS NATURÆ.--A paragraph in the _P.M.G._, the other day, was
+headed, "A Lion Loose in a Circus." Bad enough. But a still more
+extraordinary incident would have been _A Lion "tight" in a Circus_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. CHAUNCY DEPEW, the well-known American barrister, _raconteur_, and
+wit, is on his way to England. His visit is on business; probably to
+head a Depewtation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JEAMES'S SUMMARY.
+
+JEAMES. "DULL SESSION! DULL SEASON!--THINGS BAD IN THE
+CITY!--HINFLUENZA ALL HOVER THE SHOP; AND, NOW THE HEMP'ROR'S GONE,
+THE SOONER _WE'RE_ HORF THE BETTER!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW ELECTION "LAY."
+
+  Oh, young Mrs. BRAND has gone down to the East!
+  To give the Electors a musical feast,
+  And save her fine treble she weapons has none;
+  Yet she means with that voice that the seat shall be won.
+  So good at a lay, at a ballad so grand,
+  There never was dame like the young Mrs. BRAND!
+
+  All boldly she's entered the Cambridgeshire halls,
+  'Mid the squires, and the parsons, the farmers, and thralls!
+  Said DUNCAN, the foeman, "My friends, on my word,
+  Of a stranger proceeding I never have heard.
+  I don't wish to be rude, but I _can't_ understand
+  What you mean by this singing, oh young Mrs. BRAND!"
+
+  "You need not suspect me," the lady replied;
+  "I care not how flows the electoral tide,
+  I merely have come down to Wisbech to-day
+  To sing a few stanzas, trill one little lay.
+  I am tired of long speeches, Home-Rule I can't stand,
+  But I _do_ enjoy singing"--quoth young Mrs. BRAND.
+
+  So lovely her voice, so bewitching her grace,
+  Such a treat--or such treating:--did never take place.
+  While the Primrose Dames fretted, the Unionists fumed,
+  She merely the thread of her roundel resumed;
+  And the Duncanites whispered--"'Tis most underhand!
+  We must send for a songstress to match Mrs. BRAND."
+
+  A change in her theme! She has altered the bar
+  To _Kathleen Mavourneen_ and _Erin-go-bragh!_
+  Spell-bound stand the rustics; she's won the whole throng!
+  To the lady they've given their votes "for a song."
+  "'Twill be ours, will the seat--'tis the plot I have planned!
+  Oh, Music hath charms!"--exclaimed young Mrs. BRAND.
+
+  There is mourning mid folk of the Wire-pulling Clan;
+  Agents, Managers, Chairmen, are wild to a man,
+  For the Cambridgeshire precedent means that their calling
+  Has passed to the ladies excelling in--squalling!
+  "Free teaching" has come, and "Free Music"'s at hand;
+  Which we owe to the courage of young Mrs. BRAND.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT."
+
+(_As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SMOKED OFF!
+
+(_AN APPEAL FROM THE KNIFE-BOARD OF A CITY OMNIBUS._)
+
+    [The latest complaint of "the Ladies" is that they are being
+    "smoked off" the tops of the omnibuses.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  The "knife-board," sacred once to broad male feet,
+    The "Happy Garden Seat,"
+  Invaded now by the non-smoking sex,
+    Virginal scruples vex,
+  And matronly anathemas assail.
+    Alas! and what avail
+  Man's immunities of time or place?
+    The sweet she-creatures chase
+  From all old coigns of vantage harried man.
+    In vain, how vain to ban
+  Beauty from billiard-room or--Morning Bus
+    What use to fume or fuss?
+  And yet, and yet indeed it is no joke!
+    Where _shall_ one get a smoke
+  Without annoying Shes with our cheroots,
+    And being badged as "brutes"?
+  If a poor fellow may not snatch a whiff
+    (Without the feminine sniff)
+  Upon the "Bus-roof," where in thunder's name
+    _Shall_ he draw that same!
+  The ladies, climb, sit, suffocate, and scoff,
+    Declare _they_ are "smoked off,"
+  Is there no room inside? If smoke means Hades,
+    We, "to oblige the ladies,"
+  Have taken outside seats this many a year,
+    Cold, but with weeds to cheer
+  Our macintosh-enswathed umbrella'd bodies;
+    Now we are called churl-noddies
+  Because we puff the humble briar-root.
+    Is man indeed a "brute"
+  Because he may upon the knife-board's rack owe
+    Some solace to Tobacco?
+  If so it be, then man's last, only chance,
+    Is in the full advance
+  Of the "emancipated" sex. Sweet elves,
+    _Pray learn to smoke yourselves!_
+  Don't crowd us out, don't snub, and sneer, and sniff,
+    But--join us in a whiff!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SHILLING IN THE POUND WISE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As the School Board rate has already touched a
+shilling, and seems likely to go even higher, why should not some of
+our money be expended in teaching the young idea of the lower classes
+how to develop into more valuable citizens than they seem likely to
+become under present conditions? To carry out this idea, I jot down a
+few questions to be put to a School-Board scholar before the granting
+of the customary certificates:--
+
+1. Describe the formation of a Regiment, and explain its position and
+duties in Brigade.
+
+2. What are the duties of a Special Constable?
+
+3. How would you set about putting horses into a fire-engine?
+
+4. Describe the process of resuscitating a person apparently drowned.
+How would you revive a person rendered insensible by (1) cold, (2) by
+sunstroke.
+
+5. Give simple remedies to be applied at once in case of bites by a
+mad dog, accidental poisoning by arsenic, and swallowing of spurious
+coin.
+
+6. How would you set, (1) a leg, (2) an arm, (3) a broken finger? If a
+man is run over by a Hansom, what should you do? Describe an excellent
+substitute for a litter, when you can obtain nothing better.
+
+7. State shortly what you consider your duty would be, (1) were the
+country invaded, (2) were London in the hands of the mob, (3) were
+your neighbourhood visited by fire, and decimated by the plague.
+
+There, _Mr. Punch_, if every School-Board scholar could supply
+satisfactory answers to the above questions, I would not grudge
+my shilling in the pound--nay, possibly look with equanimity on
+eighteenpence!--Yours, cordially,
+
+ONE WHO IS SCHOOL-BORED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CRICKET AT LORD'S. THE LUNCHEON-TIME.
+
+(_By Our Special Instantaneous Photographic Caricaturist._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "URBI ET ORBI."
+
+MR. PUNCH RETURNS HIS BEST THANKS TO ALL AND SINGULAR, THE PUBLIC AND
+THE PRESS, FOR THE ENTHUSIASTIC RECEPTION WITH WHICH THE TOAST OF HIS
+JUBILEE, EVERYWHERE AND BY EVERYBODY, HAS BEEN RECEIVED. TO EVERYONE
+HEALTH AND HAPPINESS, PEACE AND PROSPERITY.
+
+PUNCH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July_ 13. Emperor WILLIAM leaves to-day
+having taken affectionate farewell of Grandmamma. On the whole been
+most successful visit. Weather a little Frenchy in its tendency,
+but not all rain and thunder. If things could only have been kept
+comfortable to last moment there need have been nothing to mar success
+of event. Unfortunately, TANNER's active brain discovered opportunity
+of casting a stone at head of departing EMPEROR. Looking in at
+Charing Cross Telegraph Office, intending to send sixpenny-worth
+of genial remark to his late esteemed Leader PARNELL on result of
+Carlow election, TANNER observed "Gutknecht" on shaft of lead pencil
+gratuitously provided. Much puzzled at this; thought at first it was
+RAIKES's way of spelling good night; found on inquiry it was German.
+
+TANNER's patriotic bosom filled with storm of indignation. "What!"
+he cried, apostrophising the absent RAIKES, "at a time when trade is
+declining, Ireland is unhappy, strikes are rampant, and human misery
+seems to have reached its bitterest point, at such a time it might be
+hoped you would have given up your days and nights to ameliorating
+the common lot, instead of which you go about importing lead pencils
+made in Germany, and so taking the very bread out of the mouth of the
+British Workman."
+
+Might have asked question on subject a week ago when he made
+discovery; adroitly put it down for to-night; and so whilst Emperor
+WILLIAM was taking leave of Grandmamma in the stately halls of
+Windsor, TANNER was flinging a lead pencil at his retreating figure,
+stabbing him, so to speak, in the Imperial back with a commercial
+product retailed at the inconsiderable price of twopence-halfpenny a
+dozen.
+
+With some sense of relief House got into Committee of Supply. Various
+questions brought up on Colonial Vote. P. and O. SUTHERLAND championed
+claims of Singapore for deliverance from arbitrary conduct of
+Government in levying military contributions. Doesn't often take
+part in Debate; showed to-night that abstention is not due to lack of
+debating faculty. Set forth case of his clients in clear business-like
+speech, which commanded attention of audience, for whom topic itself
+not particularly attractive.
+
+[Illustration: "A Bad Sixpence."]
+
+"SUTHERLAND," said the Member for Sark, one of his most attentive
+listeners, "has introduced a new element into Parliamentary oratory.
+His intercurrent cough is the most remarkable adjunct to oratory I
+ever heard. Suppose the fact is, when he pauses, he is thinking over
+the next word, or surveying for a new line of argument. Other men
+would consult their notes. P. and O. indulges in a kind of clearing
+of his throat, a compromise between a cough and an articulate
+remark--commanding, conciliatory, threatening, beseeching, or
+convincing, according as the exigencies of the moment require. As a
+work of art, the only contemporary thing equal to it that I know, and
+that, of course, in quite a different way, is some of the bye-play of
+the old gentleman in _L'Enfant Prodigue_."
+
+_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Met CHAPLIN just now, striding along corridor, mopping his
+statesmanlike brow with a bandana that would, on emergency, serve as
+foresail for one of the cattle-carrying steamers just now troubling
+the Minister for Agriculture.
+
+"Anything gone wrong?" I asked, for it was impossible to be blind to
+his evident trepidation.
+
+"No, dear boy, it's all right as it turns out, but it might have
+been otherwise. What do you think? LABBY's positively been moving the
+reduction of the Vote by the amount of my salary! Shouldn't have been
+surprised if some Member had got up, and, in neat speech, dilating
+on the enormous forward strides made by the Empire since Ministry
+of Agriculture was created, moved to double my screw. But to go and
+propose to dock it altogether at the end of the first year is, if I
+may say so, not encouraging."
+
+"Oh," I said, "you mustn't mind SAGE of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE; his bark is
+worse than his bite."
+
+"Yes, I know," said CHAPLIN; "but I should be obliged to him if he'd
+bark at someone else's heels. Not, mind you, that I care so much
+about the money question. Between you and me (though don't let it go
+further, or they might be holding me to my bargain), I would rather
+pay £2000 a year than not have a seat on the Treasury Bench in charge
+of a department. You've never tasted the delight of standing up in
+a full House and reading out answer to a question, whilst all the
+world hangs on your lips. Nor have you ever drunk the deep delight of
+explaining a Bill, or replying on behalf of HER MAJESTY's Government
+to an Amendment. The joy is all the greater to me, since it is newly
+acquired. For years I sat below the Gangway, striving to catch the
+SPEAKER's eye in competition with the herd, and when I succeeded
+Members either howled at me or left the House. Now I speak without
+waiting for the SPEAKER's call, and the House listens attentively to
+the utterances of the Minister for Agriculture. That's better than
+salary paid quarterly: worth paying for as I say. Still it's not
+pleasant to have LABBY seriously proposing to stop your wages. Wish
+he'd try it on someone else. There's PLUNKET for example; must put him
+up in that quarter."
+
+_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply.
+
+[Illustration: A Salmon Fisher.]
+
+_Thursday_.--A long dull night varied by occasional squalls. An
+immense relief to Hon. Members, after sitting through an hour
+discussing Alienation of Crown Rights in Salmon Fishing in Scotland,
+on which CALDWELL delivers discourse, to have opportunity of
+exercising their lungs. MORTON a benefactor in this respect. As soon
+as ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS is discovered on his feet there goes forth a
+howl that shakes the building. To-night rather awkward circumstance
+followed. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rising for the eighth time, Members broke
+forth into agonised howl that lasted several minutes. Was stopped
+by sudden commotion at the Bar. Engineer PRIM rushed wildly in,
+gesticulating towards the astonished Chair, and disappeared. A body of
+workmen appearing mysteriously from depths beneath House, tumultuously
+crossed the doorway, and also vanished. Presently news came that flood
+of water was raging down staircase; gradually truth got at; a large
+water-main had burst in Upper Committee Corridor; cracked at startling
+sound of outburst upon ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS's re-appearance.
+
+"This is all very well," said PLUNKET. "I am myself no enthusiastic
+admirer of MORTON's Parliamentary eloquence. Still, as First
+Commissioner of Works, I feel this thing must be discouraged. Must
+draw the line somewhere. Can't have our water-mains bursting with
+vicarious indignation because MORTON would speak eight times in
+Committee of Supply."
+
+_Business done_.--Committee of Supply.
+
+_Friday_.--In Lords to-night, STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, L.C.C., gave fresh
+advertisement to CALDERON's picture, "_St. Elizabeth of Hungary._"
+Not a pleasant subject, from any point of view, artistic or moral.
+Everybody but well-meaning people like STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, glad to
+drop it. He brings it forward at this late day; tries to make the
+MARKISS responsible for whole business. The MARKISS protests that
+STANLEY has had the advantage of him; hasn't even seen the picture.
+"The only idea I have been able to form of it," he said to delighted
+House, "is derived from a picture in _Punch_, in which _ZÆO_ is
+showing her back to the Members of the County Council." Lords don't
+often indulge in hearty laughter; this too much for them, and STANLEY
+OF ALDERLEY temporarily extinguished, amid almost uproarious mirth.
+
+_Business done_.--Supply in Commons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIT AND MISS.
+
+    [At Bisley, Miss LEALE, of Guernsey, has shot with
+    considerable success. Miss LEALE, though only nineteen years
+    old, is a shooting member of the National Rifle Association,
+    and has won several prizes at the meetings of the Guernsey
+    Rifle Association.]
+
+  The Whirligig of Time! Its latest turn see
+  In this phenomenon who hails from Guernsey.
+  We've often met, at pic-nics or at dances,
+  Young ladies who were good at shooting--glances!
+  And glances that, alas! have often filled us
+  With tender feelings, if they have not killed us.
+  We've met fair maidens, who have found it pleasant
+  To tramp the moors for grouse, or shoot at pheasant;
+  Of some indeed who've had a go at grisly;
+  But never--until now--of one at Bisley.
+  Yet there she is, and whilst her sisters, sitting
+  At home, may spend their leisure time in knitting,
+  _She_ sits and shoots, nor does she very far get
+  From where she aims, the centre of the target.
+  Take off your hats to her as now we name her,--Miss
+  LEALE, of Guernsey! Gladly we acclaim her
+  For Womankind (triumphant in the Schools) high
+  Renown henceforth will look for in the bull's-eye,
+  And, tired of tennis, having quite with thimble done,
+  Will strive for laurels at the Modern Wimbledon!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONTI THE MATADOR.
+
+(_ORIGINALLY INTENDED FOR THE F-RTN-GHTLY R-V-W._)
+
+"Yes, I'm better, and the Doctor tells me I've escaped once more.
+That Doctor hates you--I know it. He has saved me--to tell you the
+story--The story _I_ have been trying to tell to some one for thirty
+years."
+
+I was talking to Old MONTI, whose full name was MONTI DI PIETA--as a
+pledge of his respectability. He was a descendant of the Pornbrocheros
+del Treballos d'Oro. He was subsequently called Monkey--as a tribute
+to his character.
+
+"I should like you to tell me," I said, "for you must know that for
+years I have seen the snows on the Lagartigo, and the moonlight on
+the--"
+
+"Stop!" he cried--"you are going to begin padding. That will do for a
+magazine, not for me!" and he snapped his fingers at me.
+
+But I was not to be put off. He was weak--a cripple--and I gave him
+the choice of listening to a personally-conducted tour in the South of
+Spain, or relating his adventures.
+
+"I will have my revenge!" he muttered. "You shall hear my life from
+the beginning. You must know, then, that sixty years ago I was born,
+and--"
+
+"Yes," I returned, interrupting him--"of poor parents. Your father
+was coarse, your mother pious. You learned all you could about bulls,
+which you kept from your father, and you were ultimately engaged as a
+bull-fighter--"
+
+"Stop, stop!" he cried. "If you cut out about a dozen pages of my
+biography, at least let me explain how I saved my father. You must
+know--"
+
+"I will do it for you in a line," I said, sharply. "Your father lost
+his temper, and tried bullying the bull (no joke), and you winked
+at the animal. He knew you, and stood still. The bull went for your
+father--you for the bull. Drive on!"
+
+"Let me tell you then, how I prepared myself for the Ring by
+practising on a dummy bull.--I had no difficulty in sticking pins into
+it--it was quite calm. Then I tried the same game on a sheep, and
+got knocked down for my pains! One of my monkey tricks! Then I got
+acquainted with some Irish bulls, and letting them off on my friends
+got several thumps on the head."
+
+"No," I interrupted him sternly, "get on with your story."
+
+"Well, at length I met JUAN at the beginning of May."
+
+"Make it first of April," I said, severely.
+
+"He was the Toreador out of _Carmen_, to put it shortly," he
+continued, not deigning to notice my interruption--"and he introduced
+me to the bull-fight. Of course I had to pay my footing (a very
+uncertain one) in _duros_, or hard cash. Then every morning I ate a
+_chuto_ (a sort of small cabbage) at my dinner--then they tried me as
+a _capa_, to test (so they said) my capability. The chief patron was
+the Duke of MEDICINA, who in early youth had been a doctor--hence his
+title--and I shall never forget his first greeting."
+
+"Your story!" I interrupted, sternly, finding that the old man was
+once more becoming tedious.
+
+"I returned," replied the dotard, with a senile chuckle, "that he was
+wrong. His answer was beyond my meaning--he muttered something about
+'mutton and _capa_ sauce.' I was engaged," continued the dotard, with
+a feeble grin, "as a _capa_ for seventy years certain, with an annual
+benefit once in four years, with a salary of forty-two thousand a
+year--which in those days seemed to me to be a small fortune."
+
+[Illustration: "They made an Idol of me."]
+
+"They are wretchedly paid in Spain," I observed.
+
+"They are," he acquiesced. "I was paid a week in advance, and have
+lived upon the proceeds ever since. And now my life was indeed a merry
+one. I was free of the Ring. Now I played the cornet in the _Brassos
+Banderillos_, and my performance pleased the _aficionados_ (or
+advertising agents) so well, that my name was known throughout the
+Peninsula."
+
+"Well," once more I interrupted, "I suppose you met a Spanish beauty,
+fell in love with her, and was cut out by a party of the name of
+JUAN?"
+
+"However do you think of such clever things?" asked the old man, in a
+tone of extreme astonishment. "But you are right. I placed CLEMENCIA
+one day in the _pal co_ (or part reserved for friends), and the bull
+tossed me. Ah, she trampled upon me--treated me like a mat. But I
+loved her and adored myself. Hence I was called a 'Mat-Adorer.' I
+repeat, the bull tossed me, and I did not come down heads."
+
+"Go on."
+
+"I was ill, and neglected, but soon recovered sufficiently to kill
+sixty-six bulls in succession."
+
+"Surely you are exaggerating?"
+
+"You are perfectly right," he answered, with a blush. "I killed
+sixty-five--the sixty-sixth was only mortally wounded. And now the
+people made an idol of me. I was absolutely worshipped"--
+
+"Come to the point," I said, in a tone that showed I was not to be
+trifled with.
+
+"No _that_ was the fate of JUAN. At the end of a game of _toros_
+(which is Spanish for marbles) he said to me (in excellent Spanish),
+'MONTI, me bhoy, philaloo! ye will shtay by me?' 'That will I--as
+shure as me name is TIM--I should say MONTI,' I responded, in choice
+Castilian. The bull came up, I looked him in the eye, raised my
+_shillalo_ (a short Spanish club), and, crying 'Whist!' he cut for
+partners. JUAN was cut a deal."
+
+"That bull was a ripper," I murmured.
+
+"Bedad he was that, Sorr," returned the dotard, whose Spanish became
+more and more Castilian every moment. "CLEMENICA died the next
+morning. But I am remorseful--that I did not kill her myself. And
+now I have had my revenge! I have told ye the story! I know you--your
+name's H-A-R-"--
+
+He gave a gasp and died.
+
+But I too had _my_ revenge. I sent the tale I had just heard to the
+_F-rtn-ghtly R-v-w_.
+
+M.F.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
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+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, July 25, 1891, by Various
+
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