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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13422-0.txt b/13422-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..49963a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1367 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13422 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +June 20, 1891. + + + + +ON THE RIVER. + +[Illustration] + + A light canoe, a box of cigarettes, + Sunshine and shade; + A conscience free from love or money debts + To man or maid; + + A book of verses, tender, quaint, or gay, + DOBSON or LANG; + Trim yew-girt gardens, echoing the day + When HERRICK sang; + + A Thames-side Inn, a salad, and some fruit, + Beaune or Hochheimer;-- + Are simple joys, but admirably suit + An idle rhymer. + + * * * * * + +A 'BUS 'OSS'S MEMS. + +(_KEPT DURING A RECENT SOCIAL CRISIS._) + +_Saturday, June 6_, 11 P.M.--Home after our last turn. Fancy from +several drinks had on the way, and the pace we had to put into that +last mile and a half, that something's up. Turned into stall nice and +comfortable, as usual. + +_Sunday_.--Something is up with a vengeance. Hoorooh! We're on strike. +I don't know the rights of it, nor don't care, as long as I have my +bit of straw to roll in, and a good feed twice a day. I wonder, by +the way, if the fellow who looks after my oats is "off." Past feeding +time. Feel uneasy about it. Hang it all, I would rather work for _my_ +living, than be tied up here doing nothing without a feed! Ha! here he +is, thank goodness, at last. However, better late than never. Capital +fun this strike. + +_Monday_.--Am sent out in a loyal omnibus. Hooted at and frightened +with brickbats. Felt half inclined to shy. Halloa! what's this? Hit on +the ribs with a paving-stone. Come, I won't stand this. Kick and back +the 'bus on to the pavement. All the windows smashed by Company's men. +Passengers get out. Somebody cuts the traces, and I allow myself to be +led back to the stables. Don't care about this sort of fun. However, +feed all right. + +_Tuesday_.--Hear that the men want thirteen and sixpence a day and +a seven hours' turn. Directors offer five and sixpence, and make the +minimum seventeen hours. Go it, my hearties! Fight away! Who cares? +You must feed _me_, that's quite certain. Still I don't care about +being cooped up here all day. Nasty feeling of puffiness about the +knees. Hang the strike! + +_Wednesday_.--Puffiness worse. Vet. looks in and says I want exercise. +Take a bolus and am walked for half an hour or so up and down some +back-streets. Bless them!--that ain't no good. + +_Thursday_.--Puffiness worse, of course. Bother it all, being shut up +here! What wouldn't I give just for a sight of dear old Piccadilly! +The fact is, if they don't soon let me have my run from King's Cross +to Putney, I shall "bust up"--and that's a fact. I feel it. + +_Friday_.--Ah, they may well come to terms! Another day of this, and I +believe I should have been off the hooks "for ever and for aye." It's +all very well for Capital and Labour to get at loggerheads, but, as +DUCROW said, they must cut all their disputes short if they wish to +save anything of their business, and look sharp, and "come to the +'osses." + +_Saturday, 13th_.--Strike over! We shall have to be in harness again +on Monday, and not a day too soon, in the interests of the men, the +Directors, the Public; and, last, but by no means least, specially +that of "the 'osses." + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + +"OLD TO-MORROW." + +THE RIGHT HON. SIR JOHN ALEXANDER MACDONALD, LATE PREMIER OF CANADA. + + Punch sympathises with Canadian sorrow + For him known lovingly as "OLD TOMORROW." + Hail to "the Chieftain!" He lies mute to-day, + But Fame still speaks for him, and shall for aye. + "To-morrow--and to-morrow!" SHAKSPEARE sighs. + So runs the round of time! Man lives and dies. + But death comes not with mere surcease of breath + To such as him. "The road to dusty death" + Not "all his yesterdays." have lighted. Nay! + Canada's "OLD TO-MORROW" lives to-day + In unforgetting hearts, and nothing fears + The long to-morrow of the coming years. + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, Wednesday, May 28th_.--Great doings here to-day. For +weeks past all the Conservative Ladies of Billsbury have been hard at +work, knitting, sewing, painting, embroidering, patching, quilting, +crocheting, and Heaven knows what besides, for the Bazaar in aid of +the Conservative Young Men's Club and Coffee-Room Sustentation Fund. +You couldn't call at any house in Billsbury without being nearly +smothered in heaps of fancy-work of every kind. When I was at the +PENFOLDS' on Monday afternoon, the drawing-room was simply littered +with bonnets and hats, none of them much larger than a crown piece, +which Miss PENFOLD had been constructing. She tried several of them +on, in order to get my opinion as to their merits. She looked very +pretty in one of them, a cunning arrangement of forget-me-nots and +tiny scraps of pink ribbon. Mother promised some time ago to open the +Bazaar, though she assured me she had never done such a thing before, +and added that I must be sure to see that the doors moved easily, as +new doors were so apt to stick, and she didn't know what she should +do if she had to struggle over the opening. I comforted her by telling +her she would only have to say a few brief words on a platform, +declaring the Bazaar open. For the last week I have had a letter from +her by absolutely every post, sending draft speeches for my approval. +After much consideration I selected one of these, which I returned to +her. I heard from home that she was very busily occupied for some time +in learning it by heart. When cook came for orders in the morning, she +was forced to listen while Mother said over the speech to her. Cook +was good enough to express a high opinion of its beauties. + +Yesterday evening Mother arrived, with the usual enormous amount of +luggage, including the inevitable _Carlo_. After dinner I heard her +repeat the speech, which went off very well. This is it:--"Ladies +and Gentlemen, I am so pleased to be here to-day, and to have the +opportunity of helping the dear Conservative cause in Billsbury. I am +sure you are all so anxious to buy as many of these lovely things as +you can, and I therefore lose no time in declaring the Bazaar open." +Simple, but efficient. + +The opening to-day was fixed for 2:30, the Bazaar being held in the +large room of the Assembly Rooms, which had been arranged to represent +an Old English Tillage. At one o'clock Colonel and Mrs. CHORKLE, +Alderman and Mrs. TOLLAND, and one or two others, lunched with us, and +afterwards we all drove off together in a procession of carriages. I +insisted on _Carlo_ being left behind, locked up in Mother's bed-room, +with a dish of bones to comfort him, and an old dress of Mother's to +lie on. That old dress has been devoted to _Carlo_ for the last two +years, and no amount of persuasion will induce _Carlo_ to take another +instead. We tried him with a much better one a short time ago, but +he was furious, tore it to ribbons and refused his food until his old +disreputable dress had been restored to him. + +The Bazaar proceedings began with a short prayer delivered by the +Bishop of BRITISH GUIANA, an old Billsbury Grammar-School boy, who +was appointed to the bishopric a month ago. Everybody is making a +tremendous fuss about him here of course. As soon as the prayer was +over, Colonel CHORKLE rose and made what he would call one of his +"'appiest hefforts." The influence of lovely woman, Conservative +principles, devotion to the Throne, the interests of the Conservative +Young Men's Sustentation Fund, all mixed up together like a hasty +pudding. Then came the moment for Mother. First, however, WILLIAMINA +HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE had to be removed outside for causing a +disturbance. Her father's speech so deeply affected this intelligent +infant, who had come under the protection of her nurse, that she burst +out into a loud yell and refused to be comforted. The Colonel's face +was a study--a mixture of drum-head Courts-martial and Gatling guns. +Mother got through with her little speech all right. As a matter +of fact she read it straight off a sheet of paper, having finally +decided that her memory was too treacherous. We both set to work and +bought an incredible amount of things. After half an hour I found +myself in possession of six bonnets made by Miss PENFOLD, three +knitted waistcoats, four hand-painted screens, two tea-tables also +hand-painted, a lady's work-basket, three fancy shawls, a set of glass +studs and a double perambulator, which I won in a raffle. Mother got +three dog-collars, a set of shaving materials (won in a raffle), +two writing cases, five fans, two pictures by a local artist, four +paper-knives, two carved cigar-boxes, a set of tea things, and five +worked table-covers. + +When we got back, we found that _Carlo_ had nearly gnawed his way +through the bed-room door, and was growling horribly at the boots and +the chambermaid through the keyhole. Charming dog! + + * * * * * + +SIMIAN TALK. + + Professor GARNERS, in the _New Review_ + Tells us that "Apes can talk." _That's_ nothing new; + Reading much "Simian" literary rot, + One only wishes that our "Apes" could _not_! + + * * * * * + +THE NEW TALE OF A TUB; OR, THE NOT-AT-HOME SECRETARY AND THE +LAUNDRESSES. + +[Illustration: "CAN'T SEE YOU NOW, I'M WASHING--MYSELF." + +"The Women are crying out for the protection of the Factory Acts, +which has hitherto been denied them, and which the Home Secretary +declines to pledge the Government to support."--_Daily Telegraph, +Friday, June 12th._] + +_London Laundry-woman, to her Tub-mate, loquitur_:-- + + They tell us the Tub is humanity's friend, and that Cleanliness is of + closest kin + To all things good. By the newest gospel 'tis held that Dirt is the + friend of Sin. + Well, I'm not so sure that the world's far wrong in that Worship of + Washing that's all the rage; + But we, its priestesses, sure might claim a cleanly life and a decent + wage! + + Listen, BET, from your comfortless seat on the turned-up pail,--if + you've got the time; + Isn't it queer that Society's cleansers must pass their lives amidst + muck and grime? + Spotless flannels no doubt are nice--and snowy linen is "swell" and sweet, + But steaming reek is around our heads, and trickling foulness about our + feet. + + If the dainty ladies whose linen we lave, we laundress drudges, could + look in _here_, + Wouldn't their feet shrink back with sickness, and wouldn't their faces + go pale with fear? + White, well-ironed, all sheen and sweetness, that linen looks when it + leaves our hands; + But they little think of the sodden squalor that marks the den where + the laundress stands. + + Scrub, scrub, scrub, at the reeking tub, for eighteen hours at a + stretch, perchance, + Till our bowed backs ache, and our knuckles smart, and the lights through + the steam like spectres dance; + Ankle-deep in the watery sludge, where the tile is loose or the drainage + blocked! + Oh, I haven't a doubt that the dainty dames--if they only knew!--would be + sorely shocked. + + Typhoid! Terribly menacing word, the whisper of which would destroy our + trade; + But dirt, and damp, and defective drainage will raise that ghost on a + world afraid; + And at thirty years our strength is sapped by insidious siege of the + stifling fume, + Or what if we linger a little longer? Scant rays of comfort such life + illume. + + Grievances, BET? Well, I make no doubt that the world of idlers is + sorely sick + Of the moans and groans of the likes of us. When the whip, the needle, + the spade, the pick, + Are all on strike for a higher wage, 'tis a worry, of course, to the + well-to-do, + And a sleek Home-Sec, must "decline to pledge" support official to me + and you. + + Of course, of course! Who are we, my dear, to bother the big-wigs and + stir their bile? + Why, it's all along of our "discontent," and the Agitator's insidious + guile. + But Labour, BET, is agog just now to revise the old one-sided pacts, + And even a Laundress may have an eye to the benefit of the Factory Acts. + + Those bad, bad 'Busmen, BET my girl, claim shorter hours, and a longer + pay; + Just think of such for the Slaves of the Tub! Why should we women not + have our say + In the Park o' Sunday, like DAN the Docker, or TOM the Tailor, or WILL + the "Whip"? + The Tub and the Ironing-board appear to have got a chance--which they + mustn't let slip: + + An Object Lesson in Laundress Labour, may move the callous and shame + the quiz. + We dream of "Washing as well it might be"; we'll show them "Washing as + now it is." + _We_ know it, BET, in the sodden wet and the choking fume; with the + aching back, + The long, long hours, and the typhoid taint, the inverted pail and the + hurried snack. + + There may--who knows?--be hope for us yet, for you and me, BET! Just + think o' that! + Oh, I know it is hard to believe it, my girl. The Sweater's strong, and + appeal falls flat + On official ears; and fine-lady fears, and household hurry against us go; + But "evil is wrought by want of thought." says some poet, I think;--so + we'll let them _know_! + + Ah! snowy sheets and sweet lavender scent of the dear old days in my + village home! + The breadths of linen a-bleach on the grass! How little I thought that + to this I'd come + Grand ladies of old to their laundry looked, and the tubs were white, + and the presses fair; + Now we cleansers clean in the midst of dirt, in a dank, dark den, with + a noisome air. + + Sometimes I dream till the clouds of steam take the shadowy form of a + spectral thing, + A tyrant terror that threatens our lives, whilst we rub and scrub, whilst + we rinse and wring. + Well, cheer up, BET, girl, stiffen your lip, and straighten your back. + You have finished your grub, + So to work once more; if our champions score, we _may_ find a new end to + this Tale of a Tub! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CURE FOR INFLUENZA. + +_Major O'Gourmand_. "SURE, ME DOCTHOR SAID A GLASS OR TWO OF DRY +CHAMPAGNE'LL DO ME GOOD! BEGORRAH, THE BOTTLE'S DRY ENOUGH BY THIS TIME!"] + + * * * * * + +STRIKING INTELLIGENCE.--A PAGE FROM A LONDONER'S DIARY. + +_Sunday_.--Can scarcely believe the news! What, no omnibuses! A +strike! What _shall_ we do? Fortunately always go to church on foot, +so no loss in that. Then subsequent parade in the Park--don't require +an omnibus for that, either. At the end of the day, can say that, take +one thing with another, state of affairs more comfortable than might +have been anticipated. + +_Monday_.--Dreaded continuance of strike, but found, practically, +little inconvenience. Had to walk to the office, and enjoyed the +promenade immensely. Had no idea that a stroll along the Embankment +was so delightful. After all, one can exist without omnibuses--at +least, for a time. + +_Tuesday_.--Find that people who were at their wits' end at the mere +suggestion of a strike, are becoming reconciled to the situation. +Streets certainly pleasanter without the omnibuses. Great, lumbering +conveyances, filling up the road, and stopping the traffic! London +looks twice as well without them! Tradesmen, too, say that the shops +are just as well attended now as when the two great Companies were in +full swing. + +_Wednesday_.--Can't see what the omnibus people (both sides--Directors +and _employés_) are quarrelling about. No matter of mine, and the +Public are only too glad for a chance of a good walk. Fifty per cent. +better since I have been obliged to give up the morning 'bus. Asked +to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. Certainly +not, the longer the strike lasts the worse for the Public. + +_Thursday_.--Really the present state of affairs is delightful. I +have to thank the deadlock for teaching me to patronise the river +steamboats. Pleasant journey from Vauxhall to the Temple for a penny! +No idea that the Thames was so pretty at Westminster. View of the +Houses of Parliament and the Embankment capital. + +_Friday_.--Strike continues. Well I do not complain. Hired a hansom +and find that considering the cab takes you up to door, it is really +cheaper in the long run. If you use an omnibus, you get jolted, and +run a chance of smashing your hat. If it rains you get splashed and +having to finish your journey on foot, you might just as well have +walked the whole way. + +_Saturday_.--Strike arranged to cease on Monday! This is too much! +Just as we were getting comfortable, all the disgusting lumbering old +omnibuses are to come back again! It ought not to be allowed. Asked +to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. Certainly, +the longer the strike lasts the better for the Public. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?!! + +_First Slender Invalid_. "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT A BEASTLY THING THIS +INFLUENZA IS, EH? I'M JUST GETTING OVER IT." + +_His Wasting Friend_. "AH! YOU'RE RIGHT, MY BOY! I'VE HAD IT TOO, AND +THE WORST OF IT IS, IT _PULLS A FELLOW DOWN_ SO FEARFULLY!!"] + + * * * * * + +EXPLANATIONS À LA MODE. + +(_A PROPHETIC FORECAST, BY A PROFESSIONAL PESSIMIST._) + +1891. The Leader of the House explains, in answer to a question, that +no understanding exists between England and any Foreign country. No +treaty is in contemplation, and never has been suggested on either +side. + +1892. The Government repeats that England is absolutely free from any +international engagements. It must not be thought for a moment that a +single battalion will be moved, or a solitary vessel dispatched abroad +with warlike intentions. + +1893. The Representative of the Cabinet once more denies the +suggestion that, under any consideration whatever, will England +bind herself to accept European responsibility. This has been said +constantly for the last three years, and the Representative of +the Cabinet is not only surprised but pained at these frequent and +embarrassing interrogations. + +1894. Once more, and for the last time, the PREMIER insists that +whatever may happen abroad, England will be free from interference. +It has been the policy of this great country for the last four years +to steer clear of all embarrassing international complications. The +other Great Powers are perfectly aware that, under no circumstances +whatever, will our Army and Fleet be employed in taking part in +the quarrels of our neighbours. The entire Cabinet are grieved at +questions so frequently put to them--questions that are not only +disquieting abroad, but a slur upon the intentions of men whose sole +duty is the safety and peace of the British Empire. + +1895. General European War--England in the midst of it! + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +BEFORE THE MECHANICAL MODELS. + +A SKETCH AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION. + + SCENE--_The Grounds. A string of Sightseers discovered passing + slowly in front of a row of glazed cases containing small + mechanical figures, which are set in motion in the usual + manner._ + +BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING A DYING CHILD. + +_A Gallant Swain_. That's the kid in bed, yer see. Like to see it die, +POLLY, eh? A penny does it. + +_Polly_ (_with a giggle_). Well, if it ain't _too_ 'arrowing. (_The +penny is dropped in, and the mechanical mother is instantly agitated +by the deepest maternal anxiety._) That's the mother kneeling by the +bed, I suppose--she do pray natural. There's the child waking up--see, +it's moving its 'ed. (_The little doll raises itself in bed, and then +falls back lifeless._) Ah, it's gone--look at the poor mother 'idin' +her face. + +_The G.S._ Well, it's all over. Come along and see something more +cheerful. + +_Polly_. Wait a bit--it isn't 'alf over yet. There's a angel got to +come and carry her away fust--there, the door's opening, that'll be +the angel come for it, I expect. (_Disappointed._) No, it's only +the doctor. (_A jerky and obviously incompetent little medical +practitioner puts his head in at the door, and on being motioned back +by the bereaved mother, retires with more delicacy than might have +been expected._) Well, he might ha' seen for himself if the child +_was_ dead! (_The back of the bed disappears, disclosing a well-known +picture of an angel flying upwards with a child._) I did think they'd +have a real angel, and not only a picture of one, and anyone can see +it's a different child--there's the child in bed just the same. I call +that a take-in! + +_The G.S._ I dunno what more you expect for a penny. + +_A Person on the Outskirts_ (_eagerly to Friend_). What happened? What +is it? I couldn't make it out over all the people's shoulders. + +_His Friend_. Dying child--not half bad either. You go and put in a +penny, and you'll see it well enough. + +_The P. on the O._ (_indignantly_). What, put in a penny for such +rubbish? Not me! + + [_He hangs about till someone else provides the necessary + coin._ + +_A Softhearted Female_. No, I couldn't stand there and look on. I +never _can_ bear them pathetic subjects. I felt just the same +with that picture of the Sick Child at the Academy, you know. +(_Meditatively._) And you don't have to put a penny in for _that_, +either. + +BEFORE ANOTHER BEDROOM SCENE REPRESENTING "THE DRUNKARD'S DELIRIUM." + +_First Woman_. That's 'im in bed, with the bottle in his 'and. He +likes to take his liquor comfortable, _he_ do. + +_Second Woman_. He's very neat and tidy, considering ain't he? I +wonder what his delirium is like. 'Ere, ROSY, come and put your penny +in as the gentleman give yer. (_ROSY, aged six, sacrifices her penny, +under protest._) Now, you look--you can't think what pretty things +you'll see. + + [_The little wooden drunkard sits up, applies the bottle to + his mouth, and sinks back contentedly; a demon, painted a + pleasing blue, rises slowly by his bed-side: the drunkard + takes a languid interest in him; the demon sinks._ + +_A Gentleman with a bloated complexion_ (_critically_). 'Ooever +did that--well, I dessay he's a very clever man, +but--(_compassionately_)--he don't know much about 'orrors, _he_ +don't! + +_A Facetious Friend. You_ could ha' told him a thing or two, eh, JIM? + +_The Bloated Gentleman_ (_contemptuously_). Well, if I never 'ad them +wuss than _that_! + + [_A small skeleton, in a shroud, looks in at the door._ + +_The F.F._ 'Ullo, 'ere's the King o' Terrors for yer! (_ROSY shows +signs of uneasiness; a blue demon comes out of a cupboard._) 'Ere's +another of 'em--quite a little party he's 'aving! + +_A Gentleman, in a white tie_ (_as the machinery stops_). Well, a +thing like this does more real good than many a temperance tract. + +_The Bloated G._ Yer right there, Guv'nor--it's bin a lesson to _me_, +I know that. 'Ere, will you come and 'ave a whiskey-sour along of me +and my friend 'ere'? + +BEFORE A MODEL REPRESENTING AN EXECUTION. + +_A Daughter_. But _why_ won't you 'put a penny into this one, Father? + +_The Father_ (_firmly_). Because I don't approve of Capital +Punishment, my dear. + +_A Cultivated Person_. An execution--"put a penny in; bell +tolls--gates open--scaffold shown with gallows. Executioner pulls +bolt--black flag"--dear, dear--most degrading, shocking taste! (_To +his Friend._) Oh, of course, I'll wait, if you want to see it--not got +a penny? Let me see--yes, _I_ can lend you one. (_He does; the penny +is put in--nothing happens._) Out of order, I suppose--scandalous! and +nobody to speak to about it--_most_ discreditable! Stop--what's +this? (_A sort of woolly beat is audible inside the prison; the C.P. +beams._) That's the bell tolling--it's all right, it's working! [_It +works._ + +_Another Spectator_. Very well done, that was--but they 'urried it +over a little too quick. I scarcely saw the man 'ung at all! + +_His Companion_. Put in another penny, and p'raps you'll see him cut +down, old chap. + +BEFORE THE FAIRY FORTUNE-TELLER'S GROTTO. + +_Susan Jane_ (_to her Soldier_.) Oh, ain't that pretty? I should like +to know what _my_ fortune is. [_She feels in her pocket._ + +_The Soldier_ (_who disapproves of useless expenditure_). Ain't you +put in enough bloomin' pennies? + +_Susan Jane_. This is the last. (_Reads Directions_.) Oh, you've got +to set the finger on the dial to the question you want answered, and +then put your penny in. What shall I ask her? + +_Soldier_. Anyone would think you meant to go by the answer, to hear +you talk! + +_Susan Jane_. P'raps I do. (_Coquettishly, as she sets the index to a +printed question._) Now, you mustn't look. I won't 'ave _you_ see what +I ask! + +_Soldier_ (_loftily_). _I_ don't want to look, I tell yer--it's +nothing to me. + +_Susan Jane_. But you _are_ looking--I saw you. [_A curious and deeply +interested crowd collects around them._ + +_Soldier_. Honour bright, I ain't seen nothing. Are you going to be +all night over this 'ere tomfoolery? + + [_SUSAN JANE puts in a penny, blushing and tittering; a faint + musical tinkle is heard from the case, and the little fairies + begin to revolve in a solemn and mystic fashion; growing + excitement of crowd. A pasteboard bower falls aside, revealing + a small disc on which a sentence is inscribed._ + +_Person in Crowd_ (_reading slowly over SUSAN JANE's shoulder_). +"Yus; 'e is treuly worthy of your love." + +_Crowd_ (_delighted_). That's worth a penny to know, _ain't_ it, Miss? +_Your_ mind's easy now! It's the soldier she was meanin'. Ah,_'e_ +ought to feel satisfied too, after that! &c., &c. [_Confusion of +SUSAN JANE._ + +_Soldier_ (_as he departs with S.J._). Well, yer know, there's +something _in_ these things, when all's said! + +IN DEPARTING. + +_A Pleased Pleasure-seeker_. Ah, that's something like, that is! I've +seen the 'Aunted Miser, and the Man with the 'Orrors, and a Execution, +and a Dyin' Child--they do make you _larf_, yer know! + +_Second P.P._ Yes, it's a pity the rest o'the Exhibition ain't more +the same style, to my thinking! + +_A Captious Critic_. Well, they don't seem to me to 'ave much to do +with anything _naval_. + +_His Companion_. Why, it comes under machinery, don't it? You're so +bloomin' particular, you are! Wouldn't touch a glass o' beer 'ere, +unless it was brewed with salt-water, I suppose! Well, come on, +then--there's a bar 'andy! + + [_They adjourn for refreshment._ + + * * * * * + +PROVERBS PRO OMNIBUS.--Directly the Chairman of the General Omnibus +Company observed that if the men's demands were conceded the fares +would have to be raised, there was a rush to be the first out with +the old proverb about Penny wise and Pound foolish. However, "In for a +penny" remains as heretofore, the _employés_ having successfully gone +"in for a Pound." Let them now "take care of the pence," and they may +feel well assured that this particular POUND will be able to take care +of himself. Well, farewell the tranquillity of the streets of last +week! Henceforth not "chaos," but "'Bus 'os," has come again! + + * * * * * + +NOLENS VOLENS. + +[Illustration] + +Dear MR. PUNCH,--I hear that some people are in a great state of mind +lest some blessed Bill brought in by the Government, should "destroy +Voluntary Schools." What howling bosh! Why, there _are no_ Voluntary +Schools! No, they're all Compulsory, confound 'em! or who'd attend +'em? Not Yours disgustedly, + +A HUMAN BOY. + + * * * * * + +MR. WELLER & CO., AND THE 'BUS STRIKE.--Mr. SUTHERST seems to occupy, +as towards the 'Bus-drivers, a similar position to that filled by the +eminent _Mr. Solomon Pell_, the general adviser, and man of business +to the Elder _Mr. Weller_, and his professional coaching brethren. It +is to be hoped that the _Solomon Pell_ of the 'Bus-drivers has been +treated as liberally as was the real _Mr. Pell_, the friend of the +LORD CHANCELLOR, by _Mr. Weller_ Senior, the Mottle-faced Man, and +others. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +The most interesting book, one of the Baron's Retainers ("blythe and +gay,") has read this year is, _The Life of Laurence Oliphant_. If it +were not written by a reputable person, and published by so eminently +respectable a house as BLACKWOOD's, there would be difficulty about +accepting it as a true story of the life of a man whom some of us +knew, as lately living in London, wearing a frock coat, and even a +tall hat of cylindrical shape. Such a mingling of shrewd business +qualities and March madness as met in LAURENCE OLIPHANT is surely a +new thing. A man of gentle birth, of high culture, of wide experience, +of supreme ability, and, strangest of all, with a keen sense of +humour--that such an one should voluntarily step down from high social +position at the bidding of a vulgar, selfish, self-seeking, and, +according to some hints dropped here and there, grossly immoral man, +should, at beck of his fat forefinger, go forth to a strange land +to live amid sordid circumstances, and with uncongenial company, to +work as a common, farm-labourer, to peddle strawberries at a railway +station, passes belief. With respect to Mr. HARRIS, one feels inclined +to quote _Betsy Prig's_ remark touching one who may, peradventure, +have been a maternal relation. "I don't believe," said _Betsy_, +"there's no sich a person." But there was, and, stranger still, +there was a LAURENCE OLIPHANT to bend the knee to him. Not the least +striking thing in a book of rare value is the manner in which Mrs. +OLIPHANT has acquitted herself in a peculiarly difficult task. No man +would have had the restraining patience necessary to deal with the +HARRIS episodes as she has done. + +The Assistant Reader has been refreshing himself with _Lapsus Calami_, +by J.K.S., published by MACMILLAN and BOWES. It is a booklet of light +verse, containing here and there some remarkably brilliant pieces +of satire and parody. The first of two parodies of ROBERT BROWNING +is unsurpassable for successful audacity. The last poem in the book +is "An Election Address," written for, but apparently not used by, +the present POSTMASTER-GENERAL, when he was Candidate for Cambridge +University, in 1882. He says of himself, after confessing to a dislike +for literature and science,-- + + "But I have fostered, guided, planned + Commercial enterprise; in me + Some ten or twelve directors, and + Six worthy chairmen you may see." + +All the pieces are not so good as those cited--that would be too much +to expect--but "get it," say + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +MORTUARY. + + ANDREW LANGUAGE--no, LANG!--who the classics is pat in, + Suggests to our writers, as test of their "style," + Just to turn their equivocal prose into Latin, + As DRYDEN did. Truly the plan makes one smile! + Reviewers find Novelists' nonsense much weary 'em. + Writers of twaddle + Take DRYDEN a model-- + Turn your books into some great "_dead_ language"--and _bury_ 'em! + + * * * * * + +WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN TOLD DOWN EAST; + +_OR, A MAUVAIS JEW D'ESPRIT._ + +Will you, if you please, point out to me the way to the streets which, +I am told, are paved with gold? + +Where shall I find the employer of labour who, I have been told, will +instantly get me occupation at a wage of 60 roubles the week? + +Dear me! in this, then, your "White Chapel"? I was told it was a +luxurious quarter, famous for its Palaces. + +Surely this horrid den is not one of your model work-rooms? I was told +that such things existed only in Russia! + +And are these people who are scowling at and cursing me your typical +working population? Why, I was told that I should find them dear +brothers, waiting to welcome us with open arms. + +And is this pittance you offer me all that you pay for making a coat? +I was told that it was quite twelve times as much as this. + +Ah! I'm afraid I have been told, and have given credit to, a great +many things to which I never should have listened at all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. + +_Lady Godiva de Rougepott_. "I DON'T THINK ANY PAINTING LOOKS WELL IN +THIS HORRID ELECTRIC LIGHT!" + +_Hostess_ (_nettled_). "DON'T YOU, DEAR? PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER TO +REMAIN IN THE DRAWING-ROOM, WHERE THE LAMPS AND SHADES ARE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION. + + "To the bi-monthly exhibition of the Royal Horticultural + Society the Marquis of SALISBURY sent a magnificent + collection--of strawberries especially. Mr. W.H. SMITH showed + specimens of the same luscious fruit, for which he received + the thanks of the Society."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +_Head-Gardener_ SM-TH _soliloquiseth_:-- + +OHO! my beauty! If _you_ don't get a fust prize, and "receive the +thanks of the Society" I'm a cowcumber! "The Fruits of Early Industry +and Economy." Title of a picture by that splendid sample of the +industrious and the economical, GEORGE MORLAND, I believe. Yes, that's +it. My Industry and G-SCH-N's Economy. + + We are a moral family; + We are, we are, we are! + +All the cardinal virtues bound in--ahem! no matter. + +Talk of the Gigantic Gooseberry! What is that apocryphal monstrosity +compared with this Brobdingnagian Berry? [_Sings._ + + Bravo, my "British Queen"! + Long live my "British Queen"! + Brave "British Queen"! + Send it victorious, + First-Prizer glorious, + Fill Rads censorious + With envious spleen! + +As you _will_, my Beauty! When did swaggering H-RC-RT's horticulture +produce such goodly fruits? Or sour-mug'd M-RL-Y's? Or leary L-BBY's? +Or Slawkenbergian M-ND-LLA's? Or even that of the Grand Old Grower, +GL-DST-NE himself, with all his fluent patter about British Pomona, +and the native Jam-pot? + +I know the badly-beaten lot maintain that the plant is a "Sport" from +an old purchase of their own. Bless you, they claim _all_ the good +stocks--always did. Who cares? My young floricultural friend, JOE +of Birmingham, who knows a bit about fruits as well as concerning +orchids, let me tell you,--JOE, I say, laughs their preposterous +pretensions to scorn. Look at G-SCH-N's own particular plant there--a +bit late, but very promising, and probably destined to take a prize +before the season's over. Didn't JOE recommend the stock to GL-DST-NE +years ago? And didn't the haughty Hawarden horticulturist turn up his +nose at it as an "Unauthorised" intruder upon his own Prize Programme? +And, more by token, didn't JOE get the hump in consequence, cut the +old connection, and set up on his own account in the forcing-house +line, with a friendly leaning to our firm? Aha! "_Hinc illæ +lachrymæ_," as the Guv'nor would say. Hence, also, this Colossal +Strawberry! + +Thanks of the Society? I should rayther think so! They may chaff +"OLD MORALITY" as much as they like--but morality _pays_, even in +strawberry-growing; and my duty to my (British) Queen has brought +about _this_ triumph. Early Industry started it, and careful +horticultural Economy brought it to its present pitch of perfection. +Look at it! Size, shape, sweetness, scent, all superb! If the Season +shouldn't produce another Prize-Winner, this alone ought to satisfy +SOLLY. And if G-SCH-N's seedling, "Gratis," _should_ turn out a +triumph later on, why we shall score tremendously. Wish G-SCH-N would +"sit up and snort" less, and smile more. Patience and plenty of sun! +That's the tip for a horticulturist. Standing at the door and shying +stones at your neighbour's glasshouses, won't make your own fruit +ripen, if GEORGE JOKIM could only see it. As H-RT D-KE says, _tu +quoques_ are a nuisance, and want fumigating off the face of the +earth. JOKIM and ARTHUR B-LF-R a bit too fond of 'em for _my_ fancy. +However, all the "you're anothers" on earth can't affect my Strawberry +now, thanks be! _The_ Fruit of the Season, though I say it who perhaps +shouldn't. + + (_Sings._) From "Greenlands" sunny garden, + And vista'd vitreous panes, + We mean to rival Hawarden, + In glories and in gains. + I have produced, Sweet WILL-I-AM, + This Giant Strawber-ry, + In horticultural skill I am + A match for W.G.! [_Left chortling._ + + * * * * * + +THE VERY LAST ON THE 'BUS STRIKE.--After the comparative quiet of last +week, the streets of London will now be as 'bussy as ever. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION. + +W.H. SM-TH (_Head Gardener and Prize Exhibitor_). "HAD TO NIP OFF A +LOT OF BLOOMS TO GET HIM UP TO THIS SIZE!!" + + "At the Bimonthly Exhibition of the Royal Horticultural + Society ... Mr. W.H. SMITH showed specimens of the same + luscious fruit"--strawberries--"for which he received the + thanks of the Society."--_Daily Telegraph_, Wednesday, June 10.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE. + +PORTRAIT OF A LITERARY FRIEND, WHO, LIVING IN A MAIN THOROUGHFARE, +WAS AN ARDENT SUPPORTER OF THE 'BUS STRIKE, SUBSCRIBED TO ITS FUNDS, +ADD HOPED IT MIGHT LONG CONTINUE. HE SAYS HE HASN'T HAD SUCH A QUIET +TIME WITH HIS BOOKS FOR YEARS. BUT ALAS! SINCE LAST SUNDAY HE HAS NOT +SMILED AGAIN.] + + * * * * * + +MRS. GINGHAM ON THE GREAT 'BUS QUESTION. + + "The demand for 'Buses is immensely stimulated by their + presence, and when they are no longer there, the people who + thought them indispensable get on very well indeed without + them.... Under the influence of penny fares, Londoners are + rapidly forgetting how to walk."--_The Times_. + + Ah! it's all very fine, my good Sir, whosomever you are as writes such, + But of decent poor folk and their needs it is plain as you do not know + much. + Which I ain't quite so young as I was, nor as light, nor as smart on my + feet, + And you may not know quite what it is to be out late o' night and dead + beat, + Out Islington way, arter ten, with a bundle, a child, and a cage, + As canaries is skeery at night, and a seven mile walk, at my age, + All along of no 'Bus to be had, love or money, and cabs that there dear, + And a stitch in my side and short breath, ain't as nice as you + fancy,--no fear! + Likeways look at my JOHN every morning, ah! rain, hail or shine, up to + town, + With no trams running handy, and corns! As I sez to my friend Mrs. BROWN, + Bless the 'Buses, I sez, they're a boon to poor souls, as must travel + at times, + And we can't _all_ keep kerridges neither, wus luck! Penny Fares ain't + no crimes, + If you arsk me, as did ought to know. Which my feelings I own it does rouge + To hear big-wigs a-sneering at 'Buses. There may be a bit of a scrouge, + And the smell of damp straw mixed with pep'mint ain't nice to a dalicot + nose, + Likeways neat "Oh be Joyful's" a thing as with orange and snuff hardly + goes. + But we ain't all rekerky nor rich, we can't all afford sixpence a mile, + And when we are old, late, and tired, or it's wet, we can't think about + _style_. + The 'Bus is the poor body's kerridge, young feller--and as for your talk + About not never missing a lift, or forgetting--dear sakes!--_how_ to walk, + And the nice quiet streets and all that; why it's clear _you_ ain't been + a poor clerk + With a precious small "screw," in wet weather. Ah! you wouldn't find it + no lark + With thin boots and a 'ard 'acking cough, and three mile every day to and + thro', + Or a puffy old woman like me, out at Witsuntide wisiting JOE, + (My young son in the greengrocer line); or a governess, peaky and pale, + As has just overslep herself slightly, and can't git by cab or by rail. + "Ugly lumbering wehicles?" Ah! and we're ugly and lumbering too, + A lot of us poor Penny 'Bus fares, as isn't high-born or true-blue. + But the 'Bus is our help. Wery like some do ride as had far better walk, + Whether tip-toppy swells or poor shop-girls. But all that is trumpery talk. + What I arsk is, why shouldn't the 'Buses be kept a bit reglar, like Cabs, + In the matter of fares and of distances? Oh, a old woman it crabs + To hear of Perprietors pinching pore fellers as drive or conduck, + While the "Pirates" play up merry mag with the poor helpless fare, as gets + stuck + Betwixt Dividend-grinders and Strikers? It ought to be altered, _I_ say. + Whilst they talk of what 'Bus-folk should earn, they forget the pore + Publick--who _pay_! + + * * * * * + +LE PRINCE S'AMUSE. + +_AN APOLOGETIC IDYL._ + + My life is held to be a round of Pleasures; + All I can say is, they who thus would rate it, + For life's delights have most peculiar measures: + For though in plainest English they don't state it, + 'Tis clear "no recreation" meets their views, + Or why that sneering cry, "_Le Prince s'amuse?_" + + Or do they think a Prince, without repining, + Foundation-stones unceasingly is laying, + Rewarded with a glut of public dining, + The pangs of hunger ever to be staying, + Is recreation such as he would choose? + If so--I understand "_Le Prince s'amuse!_" + + But how a world that notes his daily doings, + The everlasting round of weary function,-- + The health-returnings, speeches, interviewings. + Can grudge him some relief, without compunction, + Seems quite to me "another pair of shoes!" + Dyspeptic is that cry, "_Le Prince s'amuse!_" + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN BRIGAND. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM THE ADVENTURES OF A RANSOMED PRISONER._) + +I must confess I was agreeably surprised at the treatment to which I +was subjected by my capturers. Instead of being loaded with chains +and confined in a cell beneath the castle's moat, I was given perfect +liberty, and had quite a pleasant suite of rooms. I should scarcely +have known that I was in durance had not one of the less refined of +the brigands shown me a revolver, and playfully informed me that its +contents were intended for me if I attempted to escape. The Chief was +absolutely charming. He treated me in the most courteous manner, and +ended his first interview with me by requesting "the honour of my +company at dinner." + +"You need not dress!" he observed, "although I like to put on a +tail-coat myself. But I know that you have had some difficulty with +my people about your luggage, and so I shall be only too delighted to +excuse _grande tenue_." + +The "difficulty" to which my host referred was the seizing of my +portmanteau by the gang of thieves of which he was the acknowledged +head. I suggested that I might possibly recover some of its contents. + +"I am afraid not," returned the Chieftain. "You see my people are very +methodical, and by this time I fear all the goods will have been sold. +The motto of the Club is 'small profits and quick returns.' We find no +difficulty in trading. As we carry on business on the most economical +principles, we can quote prices even cheaper than the Stores." + +And this I found to be the case. Although the brigands were very civil +to me, I was unable to trace any of my property. However, as my host +in the kindest manner had allowed me to dispense with ceremony, I +ventured to appear at dinner-time in my ordinary tourist's dress. + +"I am delighted to see you," said the Chief, speaking English for +the first time, "as you are now my guest, I must confess that we are +fellow countrymen." + +"Indeed!" I replied, considerably astonished. "If you are really of +British nationality, how is it that I find you a professional thief?" + +"You are mistaken," returned the Chief. "I merely belong to a society +for the redistribution of capital. You know we are all balloted for, +and I was myself afraid that I might get pilled." + +"Indeed!" I exclaimed, in a tone of surprise. "Surely your +accomplishments--for I noticed, on my arrival, that you were a +first-rate hand at lawn tennis, and played the flute--would have +secured your admission?" + +"Well," he returned with a smile, "I fancy they helped me with the +Committee. But unhappily my antecedents were bad--I had made a +fortune on the London Stock Exchange, and my books were scarcely as +satisfactory as our bandit auditors could have desired them to be. +However they took a kindly view of the case, and allowed me to pass +through. But pardon me, I see your ransom has arrived. I am afraid I +must say good bye. A pleasant journey." + +And shaking me warmly by the hand, he helped me into the conveyance +that was to take me back to home and freedom. I have never seen him +since. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.--HARTINGTONIANA.] + + * * * * * + +A COY COLOSSUS. + +PARIS, _June 15_.--It is stated here, on no authority whatever, that +when the CZAR was recently visiting the French Exhibition at Moscow, +his Imperial Majesty was heard to remark, "This makes me desire to see +the Boulevards again." A visit of the ruler of Russia to Paris during +the Summer is therefore considered to be certain. An offensive and +defensive Alliance between the two countries is said to be on the +point of signature. + +A few evenings ago, in a low _café_ in Belleville, M. NOKASHIKOFF, who +left St. Petersburg lately to escape his creditors, and who conceived +the happy idea of raising a little money by walking to Paris in a sack +composed of the French and Russian national flags stitched together, +was entertained to supper by his Gallic admirers. The proceedings, +especially towards midnight, were very enthusiastic. Throughout the +festivities, constant cries of "_Vive l'Alliance Franco-Russe!_" were +raised. This incident is said to have placed the immediate signature +of the Treaty between the CZAR and President CARNOT beyond a doubt. + +Last evening a foreigner, who by appearance would have been taken for +a Muscovite, was walking along the asphalte, when he was surrounded +by a crowd of persons crying "_Vive la Russie!_" The foreigner seemed +both surprised and annoyed by these attentions, and at length began to +use his fists and his boots liberally on the ringleaders of the mob. +This treatment, however, seemed only to increase their Russophil +ardour, and the stranger was soon hoisted on to the shoulders of some +of his foremost admirers, struggling violently. On the arrival of a +gendarme, he explained that he was an English book-maker, and that +"this bloomin' mob of boot-lickers had taken him for a bloomin' +Russian!" The crowd shortly afterwards dispersed. The completion +of the formal alliance between France and Russia is considered less +certain than it was a few days ago. + +The Frenchman, M. TÊTE-BOIS, who recently attempted to walk on his +head from Paris to Moscow, in order to show the sympathy felt in +France for the Muscovite Empire, did not succeed in carrying out his +design. He was stopped shortly after crossing the Russian frontier, +imprisoned, and heavily ironed. After suffering in this way for +a week, he was told that he must leave Russian territory within +twenty-four hours, or else continue his journey to Siberia. On being +appealed to, the CZAR graciously extended the time given for quitting +Russia to forty-eight hours. This Imperial clemency has caused the +widest feeling of gratitude and satisfaction in France, and the +signature of the definitive Alliance between the two countries is +confidently expected at an exceedingly early date. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. + +(_Dedicated to Lord Chief Justice Coleridge._) + +"THE LORD ARCHBISHOP OF NOVA SCOTIA, PRELATE OF THE ORDER OF THE SUN," +CAUGHT CHEATING AT CARDS (HYPOTHETICALLY) BY THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, +AND TAKEN, INSTANTANEOUSLY, BY OUR ARTIST.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, June 8_.--I knew DYKE first when +(good many years ago now) as DIZZY's whip he hunted in couple with +ROWLAND WINN; then always called HART DYKE. Like many other young men +he has in interval lost his HART, and now known as Sir WILLIAM DYKE. +Curious thing, as SARK reminds me, how absorbent is the name of +WILLIAM. Quite probable that before _Black-Eyed Susan's_ friend came +prominently on the stage he had some other Christian name, sunk when +he was promoted to shadow of yard-arm. Certainly there is an equally +eminent man sitting opposite DYKE in House to-night, who like him is +"Sir WILLIAM" to the present generation, and was VERNON HARCOURT to an +elder one. + +DYKE, under whatever name, done excellently well to-night. Holding +comparatively minor appointment in Ministry, suddenly finds himself +in charge of principal measure of Session. Handicapped, moreover, with +recollections of time when he has uncompromisingly declared himself +against the very principle he now embodies in Bill, and invites House +to add to Statute Book. + +That was first hedge for DYKE to take, and he went over in plucky +style that threw the scorner off his trail. Didn't live in close +communication with DIZZY through six long years for nothing. Not +likely to forget what happened in very earliest days of Parliament +of 1874, when DIZZY for first time found himself not only in office +but in power. During election campaign DIZZY, speaking in the safety +of Buckinghamshire, had made some wild statement about easing the +chains of Ireland. Simply designed to gain Irish vote; forgotten as +soon as spoken. But ROBERT MONTAGU--where, by the way, is ROBERT +MONTAGU?--treasured these things up in his heart, and when DIZZY +appeared in the House, Leader of triumphant majority, asked him what +he was going to do about it? + +"It is sometime since the observations referred to were made," said +DIZZY, "and--er--a good deal has happened in the interval." + +DYKE, recalling and admitting his former statements on Free +Education, did not attempt to minimise their import. "But." he said, +button-holing House as it were, and treating it quite confidentially, +"the fact is we all change our minds." House laughed at this as it +had laughed at DIZZY seventeen years ago, and DYKE, absolved and +encouraged, went forward with his speech. + +Not a brilliant oration in any way; neither exordium nor peroration, +and the middle occasionally a little mixed. But a good sensible +straightforward speech, and if DYKE had done no more than show that +an important Ministerial measure could be explained within limit of an +hour, he would not have lived in vain. + +_Business done._--Education Bill introduced. + +_Tuesday_.--Nothing at first sight in personal appearance of HERBERT +THOMAS KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN that suggests a swan. Fancy I have heard +something of these birds being addicted to the habit of breaking +forth into song when convinced of approaching dissolution. That, I +suppose, is how the swan was suggested to the mind when just now, +KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN rose from behind Ministers, and began to chant his +threnody. Resolution on which Education Bill grafted brought up for +report stage; agreed to, and HART DYKE about to bring in his Bill. +Then from the back seat rose a sturdy yeoman figure, and a powerful +voice was uplifted in denunciation of the Bill and of a Ministry that +had betrayed the trust of the Conservative Party. It was, so the swan +sang, a step on the road to Socialism. He feared it had come to pass +that dangerous measures are more likely to emanate from the Treasury +Bench than from the Front Bench opposite. + +Liberals roared with delighted laughter and cheers; the Conservatives +sat glum and ill-at-ease. OLD MORALITY's white teeth gleamed with a +spasmodic smile. As for JOKIM he folded his arms, and bit his lips and +frowned. + +"What antiquated nonsense this is!" he muttered, "of course Free +Education is not a Conservative principle. They all protested against +it at the General Election. A year earlier I, who happened at the +time to be numbered in the Liberal ranks, put my back against the +wall, and, picturing the evils that would befall my country if its +institutions were thus demoralised, I said I would die before I would +lend a hand to free the schools. But you see, TOBY, _I haven't died_, +and that changes the whole situation. Not only enables me to retain +my place in Government bringing in Free Education, but permits +me, as CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, actually to find the means +for carrying out the system. Can't understand a fellow like this +KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN sticking to his principles when it becomes +expedient to swallow them. He's a disgrace to a family that counts +BRABOURNE as its head." + +[Illustration: "A Progressive Conservative." (_Vide Dod._)] + +"HUGESSEN's a good fellow," said ISAACSON; "wears well, but is +politically a fossil. Now _I'm_ a progressive Conservative, which I +think you'll find, TOBY, my boy, to be about the time of day." + +_Business done_.--Assisted Education Bill; firmly led up to table by +HART DYKE. + +_Wednesday_.--Lively fight round Deceased Wife's Sister Bill. Ascot +in vain held forth its attractions; supporters of the Bill hoped +opponents would go; opponents came down rather expecting HENEAGE's +virtue would have given way, and Ascot would have claimed him as its +own. But everybody there--MAKINS's men with long list of Amendments +warranted to keep things going till half-past five, when progress +must be reported, and chance of Bill for present Session lost. MAKINS +himself in high oratorical feather. OSBORNE-AP-MORGAN, having made a +proposition and subsequently withdrawn it, MAKINS, putting on severest +judicial aspect, observed, "It is all very well for the Right Hon. +and learned Gentleman to make a legal JONAH of himself and swallow his +opinions." + +"Bless us all!" cried ROWNTREE, looking on with blank amazement, +"MAKINS evidently thinks that JONAH swallowed the whale." Bill +seemed to shatter friendships and dissever old alliances. SQUIRE of +MALWOOD naturally at home in the fray, but rather startling to find +HOME SECRETARY running amuck at CHAMBERLAIN. MATTHEWS in his most +hoity-toity mood; quivered with indignation; thumped the table; shook +a forensic forefinger at the undesignedly offending JOSEPH, and, +generally, went on the rampage. As for HENEAGE, he filled up any +little pause in uproar by diving in and moving the Closure. Once, +whilst GEDGE was opposing an Amendment hostile to Bill, HENEAGE dashed +in with his Closure motion. GEDGE's face a study; mingled surprise, +indignation, and ineffable regret mantled his mobile front. + +[Illustration: "Bless us all!"] + +"To think," he said afterwards, "that just when I was coming to +HENEAGE's help with an argument founded on profound study and pointed +with legal lore, he should suddenly jump up, lower his head, and, as +it were, butt me in the stomach with the Closure. It is more than I +can at the moment comprehend." + +GEDGE so flurried that when Members returned, after Division on +Closure, he being, in accordance with the rule, seated and wearing his +hat, wanted to argue out the question with COURTNEY. + +"I submit, Sir," he said, "that the Hon. Member, in moving the +Closure, controverted Rule 186." + +The Chairman: "I think the Hon. Member can scarcely have read the +Rule." + +Mr. GEDGE: "I have read the Rule, Sir. This is what it says--" + +Chairman: "Order! Order!" and GEDGE subsided. + +Then TOMLINSON fortuitously turning up on Treasury Bench, joined in +conversation. But COURTNEY turned upon him with such a thunderous +cry of "Order! Order!" that TOMLINSON visibly shrivelled up, and his +sentence, like the unfinished window in ALLADIN's Tower, unfinished +must remain. + +Wrangling went on till a quarter past five, when TALBOT interposed, +and with most funereal manner moved to report progress. HENEAGE almost +mechanically lowered his head and had started to butt at TALBOT as +he had upset GEDGE when he was providentially stopped and convinced +that further struggle with obstruction was hopeless. So, Clause I. +agreed to, Bill talked out. MAKINS, growing increasingly delightful, +protested that a Bill that had been fifty years before the country, +was not to be rushed through the House on a Wednesday afternoon. +_Argal_, the more familiar the House is with the details of a measure, +the more necessary is it to debate it. + +_Business done_.--Marriage with a Deceased Wife's Sister. Banns again +objected to. + +_Saturday_, 1:25 A M.--Land Bill just through report stage. Nothing +left now but Third Reading. "Well, KNOX," said WINDBAG SEXTON, "that +will be our last opportunity, and we must make the most of it. In +meantime I think we've done pretty well. I'm especially pleased with +you. You're a boy of great promise. If anything happened to me--a +stray tack in the bench, or a pin maliciously directed, and the +wind-bag were to collapse--you'd do capitally, till I got it +repaired." + +WINDBAG JUNIOR blushed. As OLD MORALITY remarks, Ingenuous youth +delights in the Approbation of Seasoned Seniority. + +_Business done_.--Land at last--I mean Land Purchase Bill through at +last. + + * * * * * + +THE GENERAL OF THE FUTURE. + + SCENE--_Tent in rear of a Battle-field. Political Officer in + attendance upon Army, waiting for Military assistance._ + +_Political Officer_ (_impatiently_). Now then, Orderly, have you not +been able to secure a General for me? + +_Orderly_ (_saluting_). Beg pardon, Sir, but it's so difficult, since +they have passed that new Royal Warrant, to know which is which. + +_Pol. Off._ (_more impatiently_). Nonsense!--any General Officer will +do. _Ord_. Very good, Sir. + + [_Exit. Political Officer stamps his foot irritably, when + enter First General Officer, hurriedly._ + +_First Gen. Off._ Well, Sir, how can I assist you? + +_Pol. Off._ (_cordially_). Glad to see you, General. Fact is, +supposing we arrange a treaty, do you think it would be wise to +surrender the fortress on the right side of the river, if we retain +the redoubt near the wood as a basis of operations? You see-- + +_First Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Very sorry, but don't know +anything about it. + +_Pol. Off._ (_annoyed_). But aren't you a General? + +_First Gen. Off._ Certainly. General-Surgeon. Ta, ta! [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ Well of all the--(_Enter Second Gen. Off._) Well, Sir, +what is it? Who are you? + +_Second Gen. Off._ I am a General Officer, and I was told you required +my poor services. + +_Pol. Off._ So I do. The fact is, General, supposing we arrange a +treaty, do you think it wise for us to surrender the fortress-- + +_Second Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Alas! my dear friend, I fear I +can be of no help to you--it is entirely out of my line. + +_Pol. Off._ (_annoyed_). But aren't you a General? + +_Second Gen. Off._ Certainly. A General-Chaplain. Farewell, dear +friend. [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ Well of all the--(_Enter Third General Officer._) Well, +Sir, who and what are you? + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_briskly_). A General. Now then, look sharp! No +time to lose. Hear you require me. How can I help you? + +_Pol. Off._ (_aside_). Ah, this is the sort of man I want! (_Aloud._) +Well then, General, we are arranging a treaty, and I want your advice +about retaining a fortress on the right of the river-- + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Sorry. Can't help! Not my +province. Good bye! [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ (_shouting after him_). But aren't you a General? + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_voice heard in the distance_.) Yes. +General-Postman! + + [_Scene closes in upon political official language unfit for + publication._ + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL NOTES.--_Saturday Afternoon_.--Albert Hall jubilant. M. +PLANCON or PLANÇON--the production of the "c" depending on the state +of his voice--was encored and "obliged again." So did Madame ALBANI, +who was in superb voice. But her accompanist, M. CARRODUS, who had +given us one violin _obbligato_, did _not_ obbligato again, and so +Madame sang, admirably of course, the ever-welcome "_Home, Sweet +Home_." GIULIA RAVOGLI gave her great _Orphéo_ song, and DRURIOLANUS, +practising courtly attitudes, as one preparing to receive a German +Emperor, smole beamingly on the gratified audience. At The Garden, +_Mireille_, revived on Wednesday last, hasn't much life in her, but +Miss EAMES charming. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, June 20, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13422 *** diff --git a/13422-h/13422-h.htm b/13422-h/13422-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7048716 --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/13422-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1889 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, June 20, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13422 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 20, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page289" + id="page289"></a>[pg 289]</span> + + <h2>ON THE RIVER.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/289.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/289.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A light canoe, a box of cigarettes,</p> + + <p class="i8">Sunshine and shade;</p> + + <p>A conscience free from love or money debts</p> + + <p class="i8">To man or maid;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A book of verses, tender, quaint, or gay,</p> + + <p class="i8">DOBSON or LANG;</p> + + <p>Trim yew-girt gardens, echoing the day</p> + + <p class="i8">When HERRICK sang;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Thames-side Inn, a salad, and some fruit,</p> + + <p class="i8">Beaune or Hochheimer;—</p> + + <p>Are simple joys, but admirably suit</p> + + <p class="i8">An idle rhymer.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A 'BUS 'OSS'S MEMS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Kept during a recent Social Crisis.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Saturday, June 6</i>, 11 P.M.—Home after our last + turn. Fancy from several drinks had on the way, and the pace we + had to put into that last mile and a half, that something's up. + Turned into stall nice and comfortable, as usual.</p> + + <p><i>Sunday.</i>—Something is up with a vengeance. + Hoorooh! We're on strike. I don't know the rights of it, nor + don't care, as long as I have my bit of straw to roll in, and a + good feed twice a day. I wonder, by the way, if the fellow who + looks after my oats is "off." Past feeding time. Feel uneasy + about it. Hang it all, I would rather work for <i>my</i> + living, than be tied up here doing nothing without a feed! Ha! + here he is, thank goodness, at last. However, better late than + never. Capital fun this strike.</p> + + <p><i>Monday.</i>—Am sent out in a loyal omnibus. Hooted + at and frightened with brickbats. Felt half inclined to shy. + Halloa! what's this? Hit on the ribs with a paving-stone. Come, + I won't stand this. Kick and back the 'bus on to the pavement. + All the windows smashed by Company's men. Passengers get out. + Somebody cuts the traces, and I allow myself to be led back to + the stables. Don't care about this sort of fun. However, feed + all right.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Hear that the men want thirteen and + sixpence a day and a seven hours' turn. Directors offer five + and sixpence, and make the minimum seventeen hours. Go it, my + hearties! Fight away! Who cares? You must feed <i>me</i>, + that's quite certain. Still I don't care about being cooped up + here all day. Nasty feeling of puffiness about the knees. Hang + the strike!</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Puffiness worse. Vet. looks in and + says I want exercise. Take a bolus and am walked for half an + hour or so up and down some back-streets. Bless + them!—that ain't no good.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—Puffiness worse, of course. Bother it + all, being shut up here! What wouldn't I give just for a sight + of dear old Piccadilly! The fact is, if they don't soon let me + have my run from King's Cross to Putney, I shall "bust + up"—and that's a fact. I feel it.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—Ah, they may well come to terms! + Another day of this, and I believe I should have been off the + hooks "for ever and for aye." It's all very well for Capital + and Labour to get at loggerheads, but, as DUCROW said, they + must cut all their disputes short if they wish to save anything + of their business, and look sharp, and "come to the + 'osses."</p> + + <p><i>Saturday, 13th</i>.—Strike over! We shall have to + be in harness again on Monday, and not a day too soon, in the + interests of the men, the Directors, the Public; and, last, but + by no means least, specially that of "the 'osses."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN MEMORIAM.</h2> + + <h3>"OLD TO-MORROW."</h3> + + <h4>THE RIGHT HON. SIR JOHN ALEXANDER MACDONALD, LATE PREMIER + OF CANADA.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Punch sympathises with Canadian sorrow</p> + + <p>For him known lovingly as "OLD TOMORROW."</p> + + <p>Hail to "the Chieftain!" He lies mute to-day,</p> + + <p>But Fame still speaks for him, and shall for + aye.</p> + + <p>"To-morrow—and to-morrow!" SHAKSPEARE + sighs.</p> + + <p>So runs the round of time! Man lives and dies.</p> + + <p>But death comes not with mere surcease of breath</p> + + <p>To such as him. "The road to dusty death"</p> + + <p>Not "all his yesterdays." have lighted. Nay!</p> + + <p>Canada's "OLD TO-MORROW" lives to-day</p> + + <p>In unforgetting hearts, and nothing fears</p> + + <p>The long to-morrow of the coming years.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Billsbury, Wednesday, May 28th</i>.—Great doings + here to-day. For weeks past all the Conservative Ladies of + Billsbury have been hard at work, knitting, sewing, painting, + embroidering, patching, quilting, crocheting, and Heaven knows + what besides, for the Bazaar in aid of the Conservative Young + Men's Club and Coffee-Room Sustentation Fund. You couldn't call + at any house in Billsbury without being nearly smothered in + heaps of fancy-work of every kind. When I was at the PENFOLDS' + on Monday afternoon, the drawing-room was simply littered with + bonnets and hats, none of them much larger than a crown piece, + which Miss PENFOLD had been constructing. She tried several of + them on, in order to get my opinion as to their merits. She + looked very pretty in one of them, a cunning arrangement of + forget-me-nots and tiny scraps of pink ribbon. Mother promised + some time ago to open the Bazaar, though she assured me she had + never done such a thing before, and added that I must be sure + to see that the doors moved easily, as new doors were so apt to + stick, and she didn't know what she should do if she had to + struggle over the opening. I comforted her by telling her she + would only have to say a few brief words on a platform, + declaring the Bazaar open. For the last week I have had a + letter from her by absolutely every post, sending draft + speeches for my approval. After much consideration I selected + one of these, which I returned to her. I heard from home that + she was very busily occupied for some time in learning it by + heart. When cook came for orders in the morning, she was forced + to listen while Mother said over the speech to her. Cook was + good enough to express a high opinion of its beauties.</p> + + <p>Yesterday evening Mother arrived, with the usual enormous + amount of luggage, including the inevitable <i>Carlo</i>. After + dinner I heard her repeat the speech, which went off very well. + This is it:—"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so pleased to be + here to-day, and to have the opportunity of helping the dear + Conservative cause in Billsbury. I am sure you are all so + anxious to buy as many of these lovely things as you can, and I + therefore lose no time in declaring the Bazaar open." Simple, + but efficient.</p> + + <p>The opening to-day was fixed for 2:30, the Bazaar being held + in the large room of the Assembly Rooms, which had been + arranged to represent an Old English Village. At one o'clock + Colonel and Mrs. CHORKLE, Alderman and Mrs. TOLLAND, and one or + two others, lunched with us, and afterwards we all drove off + together in a procession of carriages. I insisted on + <i>Carlo</i> being left behind, locked up in Mother's bed-room, + with a dish of bones to comfort him, and an old dress of + Mother's to lie on. That old dress has been devoted to + <i>Carlo</i> for the last two years, and no amount of + persuasion will induce <i>Carlo</i> to take another instead. We + tried him with a much better one a short time ago, but he was + furious, tore it to ribbons and refused his food until his old + disreputable dress had been restored to him.</p> + + <p>The Bazaar proceedings began with a short prayer delivered + by the Bishop of BRITISH GUIANA, an old Billsbury + Grammar-School boy, who was appointed to the bishopric a month + ago. Everybody is making a tremendous fuss about him here of + course. As soon as the prayer was over, Colonel CHORKLE rose + and made what he would call one of his "'appiest hefforts." The + influence of lovely woman, Conservative principles, devotion to + the Throne, the interests of the Conservative Young Men's + Sustentation Fund, all mixed up together like a hasty pudding. + Then came the moment for Mother. First, however, WILLIAMINA + HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE had to be removed outside for causing a + disturbance. Her father's speech so deeply affected this + intelligent infant, who had come under the protection of her + nurse, that she burst out into a loud yell and refused to be + comforted. The Colonel's face was a study—a mixture of + drum-head Courts-martial and Gatling guns. Mother got through + with her little speech all right. As a matter of fact she read + it straight off a sheet of paper, having finally decided that + her memory was too treacherous. We both set to work and bought + an incredible amount of things. After half an hour I found + myself in possession of six bonnets made by Miss PENFOLD, three + knitted waistcoats, four hand-painted screens, two tea-tables + also hand-painted, a lady's work-basket, three fancy shawls, a + set of glass studs and a double perambulator, which I won in a + raffle. Mother got three dog-collars, a set of shaving + materials (won in a raffle), two writing cases, five fans, two + pictures by a local artist, four paper-knives, two carved + cigar-boxes, a set of tea things, and five worked + table-covers.</p> + + <p>When we got back, we found that <i>Carlo</i> had nearly + gnawed his way through the bed-room door, and was growling + horribly at the boots and the chambermaid through the keyhole. + Charming dog!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Simian Talk.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Professor GARNERS, in the <i>New Review</i></p> + + <p>Tells us that "Apes can talk." <i>That's</i> nothing + new;</p> + + <p>Reading much "Simian" literary rot,</p> + + <p>One only wishes that our "Apes" could + <i>not</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page290" + id="page290"></a>[pg 290]</span> + + <h2>THE NEW TALE OF A TUB; OR, THE NOT-AT-HOME SECRETARY AND + THE LAUNDRESSES.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/290.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/290.png" + alt="'CAN'T SEE YOU NOW, I'M WASHING—MYSELF.'" /> + </a> "CAN'T SEE YOU NOW, I'M WASHING—MYSELF." + + <p>"The Women are crying out for the protection of the + Factory Acts, which has hitherto been denied them, and + which the Home Secretary declines to pledge the Government + to support."—<i>Daily Telegraph, Friday, June + 12th.</i></p> + </div> + + <p><i>London Laundry-woman, to her Tub-mate, + loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They tell us the Tub is humanity's friend, and that + Cleanliness is of closest kin</p> + + <p>To all things good. By the newest gospel 'tis held + that Dirt is the friend of Sin.</p> + + <p>Well, I'm not so sure that the world's far wrong in + that Worship of Washing that's all the rage;</p> + + <p>But we, its priestesses, sure might claim a cleanly + life and a decent + wage!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page291" + id="page291"></a>[pg 291]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Listen, BET, from your comfortless seat on the + turned-up pail,—if you've got the time;</p> + + <p>Isn't it queer that Society's cleansers must pass + their lives amidst muck and grime?</p> + + <p>Spotless flannels no doubt are nice—and snowy + linen is "swell" and sweet,</p> + + <p>But steaming reek is around our heads, and trickling + foulness about our feet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If the dainty ladies whose linen we lave, we + laundress drudges, could look in <i>here</i>,</p> + + <p>Wouldn't their feet shrink back with sickness, and + wouldn't their faces go pale with fear?</p> + + <p>White, well-ironed, all sheen and sweetness, that + linen looks when it leaves our hands;</p> + + <p>But they little think of the sodden squalor that + marks the den where the laundress stands.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scrub, scrub, scrub, at the reeking tub, for + eighteen hours at a stretch, perchance,</p> + + <p>Till our bowed backs ache, and our knuckles smart, + and the lights through the steam like spectres + dance;</p> + + <p>Ankle-deep in the watery sludge, where the tile is + loose or the drainage blocked!</p> + + <p>Oh, I haven't a doubt that the dainty dames—if + they only knew!—would be sorely shocked.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Typhoid! Terribly menacing word, the whisper of + which would destroy our trade;</p> + + <p>But dirt, and damp, and defective drainage will + raise that ghost on a world afraid;</p> + + <p>And at thirty years our strength is sapped by + insidious siege of the stifling fume,</p> + + <p>Or what if we linger a little longer? Scant rays of + comfort such life illume.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Grievances, BET? Well, I make no doubt that the + world of idlers is sorely sick</p> + + <p>Of the moans and groans of the likes of us. When the + whip, the needle, the spade, the pick,</p> + + <p>Are all on strike for a higher wage, 'tis a worry, + of course, to the well-to-do,</p> + + <p>And a sleek Home-Sec, must "decline to pledge" + support official to me and you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of course, of course! Who are we, my dear, to bother + the big-wigs and stir their bile?</p> + + <p>Why, it's all along of our "discontent," and the + Agitator's insidious guile.</p> + + <p>But Labour, BET, is agog just now to revise the old + one-sided pacts,</p> + + <p>And even a Laundress may have an eye to the benefit + of the Factory Acts.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Those bad, bad 'Busmen, BET my girl, claim shorter + hours, and a longer pay;</p> + + <p>Just think of such for the Slaves of the Tub! Why + should we women not have our say</p> + + <p>In the Park o' Sunday, like DAN the Docker, or TOM + the Tailor, or WILL the "Whip"?</p> + + <p>The Tub and the Ironing-board appear to have got a + chance—which they mustn't let slip:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An Object Lesson in Laundress Labour, may move the + callous and shame the quiz.</p> + + <p>We dream of "Washing as well it might be"; we'll + show them "Washing as now it is."</p> + + <p><i>We</i> know it, BET, in the sodden wet and the + choking fume; with the aching back,</p> + + <p>The long, long hours, and the typhoid taint, the + inverted pail and the hurried snack.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There may—who knows?—be hope for us yet, + for you and me, BET! Just think o' that!</p> + + <p>Oh, I know it is hard to believe it, my girl. The + Sweater's strong, and appeal falls flat</p> + + <p>On official ears; and fine-lady fears, and household + hurry against us go;</p> + + <p>But "evil is wrought by want of thought." says some + poet, I think;—so we'll let them <i>know</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! snowy sheets and sweet lavender scent of the + dear old days in my village home!</p> + + <p>The breadths of linen a-bleach on the grass! How + little I thought that to this I'd come</p> + + <p>Grand ladies of old to their laundry looked, and the + tubs were white, and the presses fair;</p> + + <p>Now we cleansers clean in the midst of dirt, in a + dank, dark den, with a noisome air.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sometimes I dream till the clouds of steam take the + shadowy form of a spectral thing,</p> + + <p>A tyrant terror that threatens our lives, whilst we + rub and scrub, whilst we rinse and wring.</p> + + <p>Well, cheer up, BET, girl, stiffen your lip, and + straighten your back. You have finished your grub,</p> + + <p>So to work once more; if our champions score, we + <i>may</i> find a new end to this Tale of a Tub!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/291.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/291.png" + alt="A CURE FOR INFLUENZA." /></a> + + <h3>A CURE FOR INFLUENZA.</h3><i>Major O'Gourmand.</i> + "SURE, ME DOCTHOR SAID A GLASS OR TWO OF DRY CHAMPAGNE'LL + DO ME GOOD! BEGORRAH, THE BOTTLE'S DRY ENOUGH BY THIS + TIME!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>STRIKING INTELLIGENCE.—A Page from a Londoner's + Diary.</h3> + + <p><i>Sunday</i>.—Can scarcely believe the news! What, no + omnibuses! A strike! What <i>shall</i> we do? Fortunately + always go to church on foot, so no loss in that. Then + subsequent parade in the Park—don't require an omnibus + for that, either. At the end of the day, can say that, take one + thing with another, state of affairs more comfortable than + might have been anticipated.</p> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Dreaded continuance of strike, but + found, practically, little inconvenience. Had to walk to the + office, and enjoyed the promenade immensely. Had no idea that a + stroll along the Embankment was so delightful. After all, one + can exist without omnibuses—at least, for a time.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Find that people who were at their + wits' end at the mere suggestion of a strike, are becoming + reconciled to the situation. Streets certainly pleasanter + without the omnibuses. Great, lumbering conveyances, filling up + the road, and stopping the traffic! London looks twice as well + without them! Tradesmen, too, say that the shops are just as + well attended now as when the two great Companies were in full + swing.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Can't see what the omnibus people + (both sides—Directors and <i>employés</i>) are + quarrelling about. No matter of mine, and the Public are only + too glad for a chance of a good walk. Fifty per cent. better + since I have been obliged to give up the morning 'bus. Asked + to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. + Certainly not, the longer the strike lasts the worse for the + Public.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Really the present state of affairs + is delightful. I have to thank the deadlock for teaching me to + patronise the river steamboats. Pleasant journey from Vauxhall + to the Temple for a penny! No idea that the Thames was so + pretty at Westminster. View of the Houses of Parliament and the + Embankment capital.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Strike continues. Well I do not + complain. Hired a hansom and find that considering the cab + takes you up to door, it is really cheaper in the long run. If + you use an omnibus, you get jolted, and run a chance of + smashing your hat. If it rains you get splashed and having to + finish your journey on foot, you might just as well have walked + the whole way.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Strike arranged to cease on Monday! + This is too much! Just as we were getting comfortable, all the + disgusting lumbering old omnibuses are to come back again! It + ought not to be allowed. Asked to-day to contribute something + in support of the strikers. Certainly, the longer the strike + lasts the better for the Public.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page292" + id="page292"></a>[pg 292]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/292.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/292.png" + alt="WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?!!" /></a> + + <h3>WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?!!</h3> + + <p><i>First Slender Invalid</i>. "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT A + BEASTLY THING THIS INFLUENZA IS, EH? I'M JUST GETTING OVER + IT."</p> + + <p><i>His Wasting Friend.</i> "AH! YOU'RE RIGHT, MY BOY! + I'VE HAD IT TOO, AND THE WORST OF IT IS, IT <i>PULLS A + FELLOW DOWN</i> SO FEARFULLY!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>EXPLANATIONS À LA MODE.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A Prophetic Forecast, by a Professional + Pessimist.</i>)</h4> + + <p>1891. The Leader of the House explains, in answer to a + question, that no understanding exists between England and any + Foreign country. No treaty is in contemplation, and never has + been suggested on either side.</p> + + <p>1892. The Government repeats that England is absolutely free + from any international engagements. It must not be thought for + a moment that a single battalion will be moved, or a solitary + vessel dispatched abroad with warlike intentions.</p> + + <p>1893. The Representative of the Cabinet once more denies the + suggestion that, under any consideration whatever, will England + bind herself to accept European responsibility. This has been + said constantly for the last three years, and the + Representative of the Cabinet is not only surprised but pained + at these frequent and embarrassing interrogations.</p> + + <p>1894. Once more, and for the last time, the PREMIER insists + that whatever may happen abroad, England will be free from + interference. It has been the policy of this great country for + the last four years to steer clear of all embarrassing + international complications. The other Great Powers are + perfectly aware that, under no circumstances whatever, will our + Army and Fleet be employed in taking part in the quarrels of + our neighbours. The entire Cabinet are grieved at questions so + frequently put to them—questions that are not only + disquieting abroad, but a slur upon the intentions of men whose + sole duty is the safety and peace of the British Empire.</p> + + <p>1895. General European War—England in the midst of + it!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>BEFORE THE MECHANICAL MODELS.</h3> + + <h4>A SKETCH AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Grounds. A string of Sightseers + discovered passing slowly in front of a row of glazed cases + containing small mechanical figures, which are set in + motion in the usual manner.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING A DYING CHILD.</h4> + + <p><i>A Gallant Swain</i>. That's the kid in bed, yer see. Like + to see it die, POLLY, eh? A penny does it.</p> + + <p><i>Polly</i> (<i>with a giggle</i>). Well, if it ain't + <i>too</i> 'arrowing. (<i>The penny is dropped in, and the + mechanical mother is instantly agitated by the deepest maternal + anxiety.</i>) That's the mother kneeling by the bed, I + suppose—she do pray natural. There's the child waking + up—see, it's moving its 'ed. (<i>The little doll raises + itself in bed, and then falls back lifeless.</i>) Ah, it's + gone—look at the poor mother 'idin' her face.</p> + + <p><i>The G.S.</i> Well, it's all over. Come along and see + something more cheerful.</p> + + <p><i>Polly</i>. Wait a bit—it isn't 'alf over yet. + There's a angel got to come and carry her away + fust—there, the door's opening, that'll be the angel come + for it, I expect. (<i>Disappointed.</i>) No, it's only the + doctor. (<i>A jerky and obviously incompetent little medical + practitioner puts his head in at the door, and on being + motioned back by the bereaved mother, retires with more + delicacy than might have been expected.</i>) Well, he might ha' + seen for himself if the child <i>was</i> dead! (<i>The back of + the bed disappears, disclosing a well-known picture of an angel + flying upwards with a child.</i>) I did think they'd have a + real angel, and not only a picture of one, and anyone can see + it's a different child—there's the child in bed just the + same. I call that a take-in!</p> + + <p><i>The G.S.</i> I dunno what more you expect for a + penny.</p> + + <p><i>A Person on the Outskirts</i> (<i>eagerly to Friend</i>). + What happened? What is it? I couldn't make it out over all the + people's shoulders.</p> + + <p><i>His Friend</i>. Dying child—not half bad either. + You go and put in a penny, and you'll see it well enough.</p> + + <p><i>The P. on the O.</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). What, put in a + penny for such rubbish? Not me!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He hangs about till someone else provides the + necessary coin.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Softhearted Female</i>. No, I couldn't stand there and + look on. I never <i>can</i> bear them pathetic subjects. I felt + just the same with that picture of the Sick Child at the + Academy, you know. (<i>Meditatively.</i>) And you don't have to + put a penny in for <i>that</i>, either.</p> + + <h4>BEFORE ANOTHER BEDROOM SCENE REPRESENTING "THE DRUNKARD'S + DELIRIUM."</h4> + + <p><i>First Woman</i>. That's 'im in bed, with the bottle in + his 'and. He likes to take his liquor comfortable, <i>he</i> + do.</p> + + <p><i>Second Woman</i>. He's very neat and tidy, considering + ain't he? I wonder what his delirium is like. 'Ere, ROSY, come + and put your penny in as the gentleman give yer. (ROSY, <i>aged + six, sacrifices her penny, under protest.</i>) Now, you + look—you can't think what pretty things you'll see.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The little wooden drunkard sits up, applies the + bottle to his mouth, and sinks back contentedly; a demon, + painted a pleasing blue, rises slowly by his bed-side: the + drunkard takes a languid interest in him; the demon + sinks.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Gentleman with a bloated complexion</i> + (<i>critically</i>). 'Ooever did that—well, I dessay he's + a very clever man, but—(<i>compassionately</i>)—he + don't know much about 'orrors, <i>he</i> don't!</p> + + <p><i>A Facetious Friend. You</i> could ha' told him a thing or + two, eh, JIM?</p> + + <p><i>The Bloated Gentleman</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). Well, + if I never 'ad them wuss than <i>that</i>!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>A small skeleton, in a shroud, looks in at the + door.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The F.F.</i> 'Ullo, 'ere's the King o' Terrors for yer! + (ROSY <i>shows signs of uneasiness; a blue demon comes out of a + cupboard.</i>) 'Ere's another of 'em—quite a little party + he's 'aving!</p> + + <p><i>A Gentleman, in a white tie</i> (<i>as the machinery + stops</i>). Well, a thing like this does more real good than + many a temperance tract.</p> + + <p><i>The Bloated G.</i> Yer right there, Guv'nor—it's + bin a lesson to <i>me</i>, I know that. 'Ere, will you come and + 'ave a whiskey-sour along of me and my friend 'ere'?</p> + + <h4>BEFORE A MODEL REPRESENTING AN EXECUTION.</h4> + + <p><i>A Daughter</i>. But <i>why</i> won't you 'put a penny + into this one, Father?</p> + + <p><i>The Father</i> (<i>firmly</i>). Because I don't approve + of Capital Punishment, my dear.</p> + + <p><i>A Cultivated Person</i>. An execution—"put a penny + in; bell tolls—gates open—scaffold shown with + gallows. Executioner pulls bolt—black flag"—dear, + dear—most degrading, shocking taste! (<i>To his + Friend.</i>) Oh, of course, I'll wait, if you want to see + it—not got a <span class="pagenum"><a name="page293" + id="page293"></a>[pg 293]</span> penny? Let me + see—yes, <i>I</i> can lend you one. (<i>He does; the + penny is put in—nothing happens.</i>) Out of order, I + suppose—scandalous! and nobody to speak to about + it—<i>most</i> discreditable! Stop—what's this? + (<i>A sort of woolly beat is audible inside the prison; + the</i> C.P. <i>beams.</i>) That's the bell + tolling—it's all right, it's working! [<i>It + works.</i></p> + + <p><i>Another Spectator</i>. Very well done, that was—but + they 'urried it over a little too quick. I scarcely saw the man + 'ung at all!</p> + + <p><i>His Companion</i>. Put in another penny, and p'raps + you'll see him cut down, old chap.</p> + + <h4>BEFORE THE FAIRY FORTUNE-TELLER'S GROTTO.</h4> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i> (<i>to her Soldier</i>.) Oh, ain't that + pretty? I should like to know what <i>my</i> fortune is. + [<i>She feels in her pocket.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Soldier</i> (<i>who disapproves of useless + expenditure</i>). Ain't you put in enough bloomin' pennies?</p> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i>. This is the last. (<i>Reads + Directions</i>.) Oh, you've got to set the finger on the dial + to the question you want answered, and then put your penny in. + What shall I ask her?</p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i>. Anyone would think you meant to go by the + answer, to hear you talk!</p> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i>. P'raps I do. (<i>Coquettishly, as she + sets the index to a printed question.</i>) Now, you mustn't + look. I won't 'ave <i>you</i> see what I ask!</p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i> (<i>loftily</i>). <i>I</i> don't want to + look, I tell yer—it's nothing to me.</p> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i>. But you <i>are</i> looking—I saw + you. [<i>A curious and deeply interested crowd collects around + them.</i></p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i>. Honour bright, I ain't seen nothing. Are you + going to be all night over this 'ere tomfoolery?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[SUSAN JANE <i>puts in a penny, blushing and tittering; + a faint musical tinkle is heard from the case, and the + little fairies begin to revolve in a solemn and mystic + fashion; growing excitement of crowd. A pasteboard bower + falls aside, revealing a small disc on which a sentence is + inscribed.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Person in Crowd</i> (<i>reading slowly over</i> SUSAN + JANE's <i>shoulder</i>). "Yus; 'e is treuly worthy of your + love."</p> + + <p><i>Crowd</i> (<i>delighted</i>). That's worth a penny to + know, <i>ain't</i> it, Miss? <i>Your</i> mind's easy now! It's + the soldier she was meanin'. Ah,<i>'e</i> ought to feel + satisfied too, after that! &c., &c. [<i>Confusion + of</i> SUSAN JANE.</p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i> (<i>as he departs with S.J.</i>). Well, yer + know, there's something <i>in</i> these things, when all's + said!</p> + + <h4>IN DEPARTING.</h4> + + <p><i>A Pleased Pleasure-seeker</i>. Ah, that's something like, + that is! I've seen the 'Aunted Miser, and the Man with the + 'Orrors, and a Execution, and a Dyin' Child—they do make + you <i>larf</i>, yer know!</p> + + <p><i>Second P.P.</i> Yes, it's a pity the rest o'the + Exhibition ain't more the same style, to my thinking!</p> + + <p><i>A Captious Critic</i>. Well, they don't seem to me to + 'ave much to do with anything <i>naval</i>.</p> + + <p><i>His Companion</i>. Why, it comes under machinery, don't + it? You're so bloomin' particular, you are! Wouldn't touch a + glass o' beer 'ere, unless it was brewed with salt-water, I + suppose! Well, come on, then—there's a bar 'andy!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They adjourn for refreshment.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>PROVERBS PRO OMNIBUS.—Directly the Chairman of the + General Omnibus Company observed that if the men's demands were + conceded the fares would have to be raised, there was a rush to + be the first out with the old proverb about Penny wise and + Pound foolish. However, "In for a penny" remains as heretofore, + the <i>employés</i> having successfully gone "in for a Pound." + Let them now "take care of the pence," and they may feel well + assured that this particular POUND will be able to take care of + himself. Well, farewell the tranquillity of the streets of last + week! Henceforth not "chaos," but "'Bus 'os," has come + again!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:10%;"> + <a href="images/293-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <h3>Nolens Volens.</h3> + + <p>Dear MR. PUNCH,—I hear that some people are in a great + state of mind lest some blessed Bill brought in by the + Government, should "destroy Voluntary Schools." What howling + bosh! Why, there <i>are no</i> Voluntary Schools! No, they're + all Compulsory, confound 'em! or who'd attend 'em? Not Yours + disgustedly,</p> + + <p class="author">A HUMAN BOY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. WELLER & CO., AND THE 'BUS STRIKE.—Mr. + SUTHERST seems to occupy, as towards the 'Bus-drivers, a + similar position to that filled by the eminent <i>Mr. Solomon + Pell</i>, the general adviser, and man of business to the Elder + <i>Mr. Weller</i>, and his professional coaching brethren. It + is to be hoped that the <i>Solomon Pell</i> of the 'Bus-drivers + has been treated as liberally as was the real <i>Mr. Pell</i>, + the friend of the LORD CHANCELLOR, by <i>Mr. Weller</i> Senior, + the Mottle-faced Man, and others.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/293-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The most interesting book, one of the Baron's Retainers + ("blythe and gay,") has read this year is, <i>The Life of + Laurence Oliphant</i>. If it were not written by a reputable + person, and published by so eminently respectable a house as + BLACKWOOD's, there would be difficulty about accepting it as a + true story of the life of a man whom some of us knew, as lately + living in London, wearing a frock coat, and even a tall hat of + cylindrical shape. Such a mingling of shrewd business qualities + and March madness as met in LAURENCE OLIPHANT is surely a new + thing. A man of gentle birth, of high culture, of wide + experience, of supreme ability, and, strangest of all, with a + keen sense of humour—that such an one should voluntarily + step down from high social position at the bidding of a vulgar, + selfish, self-seeking, and, according to some hints dropped + here and there, grossly immoral man, should, at beck of his fat + forefinger, go forth to a strange land to live amid sordid + circumstances, and with uncongenial company, to work as a + common, farm-labourer, to peddle strawberries at a railway + station, passes belief. With respect to Mr. HARRIS, one feels + inclined to quote <i>Betsy Prig's</i> remark touching one who + may, peradventure, have been a maternal relation. "I don't + believe," said <i>Betsy</i>, "there's no sich a person." But + there was, and, stranger still, there was a LAURENCE OLIPHANT + to bend the knee to him. Not the least striking thing in a book + of rare value is the manner in which Mrs. OLIPHANT has + acquitted herself in a peculiarly difficult task. No man would + have had the restraining patience necessary to deal with the + HARRIS episodes as she has done.</p> + + <p>The Assistant Reader has been refreshing himself with + <i>Lapsus Calami</i>, by J.K.S., published by MACMILLAN and + BOWES. It is a booklet of light verse, containing here and + there some remarkably brilliant pieces of satire and parody. + The first of two parodies of ROBERT BROWNING is unsurpassable + for successful audacity. The last poem in the book is "An + Election Address," written for, but apparently not used by, the + present POSTMASTER-GENERAL, when he was Candidate for Cambridge + University, in 1882. He says of himself, after confessing to a + dislike for literature and science,—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But I have fostered, guided, planned</p> + + <p>Commercial enterprise; in me</p> + + <p>Some ten or twelve directors, and</p> + + <p>Six worthy chairmen you may see."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>All the pieces are not so good as those cited—that + would be too much to expect—but "get it," say</p> + + <p class="author">BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Mortuary.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ANDREW LANGUAGE—no, LANG!—who the + classics is pat in,</p> + + <p class="i2">Suggests to our writers, as test of their + "style,"</p> + + <p>Just to turn their equivocal prose into Latin,</p> + + <p class="i2">As DRYDEN did. Truly the plan makes one + smile!</p> + + <p>Reviewers find Novelists' nonsense much weary + 'em.</p> + + <p class="i4">Writers of twaddle</p> + + <p class="i4">Take DRYDEN a model—</p> + + <p>Turn your books into some great "<i>dead</i> + language"—and <i>bury</i> 'em!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN TOLD DOWN EAST;</h3> + + <h4><i>Or, A Mauvais Jew d'Esprit.</i></h4> + + <p>Will you, if you please, point out to me the way to the + streets which, I am told, are paved with gold?</p> + + <p>Where shall I find the employer of labour who, I have been + told, will instantly get me occupation at a wage of 60 roubles + the week?</p> + + <p>Dear me! in this, then, your "White Chapel"? I was told it + was a luxurious quarter, famous for its Palaces.</p> + + <p>Surely this horrid den is not one of your model work-rooms? + I was told that such things existed only in Russia!</p> + + <p>And are these people who are scowling at and cursing me your + typical working population? Why, I was told that I should find + them dear brothers, waiting to welcome us with open arms.</p> + + <p>And is this pittance you offer me all that you pay for + making a coat? I was told that it was quite twelve times as + much as this.</p> + + <p>Ah! I'm afraid I have been told, and have given credit to, a + great many things to which I never should have listened at + all.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page294" + id="page294"></a>[pg 294]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/294.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/294.png" + alt="FELINE AMENITIES." /></a> + + <h3>FELINE AMENITIES.</h3> + + <p><i>Lady Godiva de Rougepott</i>. "I DON'T THINK ANY + PAINTING LOOKS WELL IN THIS HORRID ELECTRIC LIGHT!"</p> + + <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>nettled</i>). "DON'T YOU, DEAR? + PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER TO REMAIN IN THE DRAWING-ROOM, + WHERE THE LAMPS AND SHADES ARE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"To the bi-monthly exhibition of the Royal Horticultural + Society the Marquis of SALISBURY sent a magnificent + collection—of strawberries especially. Mr. W.H. SMITH + showed specimens of the same luscious fruit, for which he + received the thanks of the Society."—<i>Daily + Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Head-Gardener</i> SM-TH <i>soliloquiseth</i>:—</p> + + <p>OHO! my beauty! If <i>you</i> don't get a fust prize, and + "receive the thanks of the Society" I'm a cowcumber! "The + Fruits of Early Industry and Economy." Title of a picture by + that splendid sample of the industrious and the economical, + GEORGE MORLAND, I believe. Yes, that's it. My Industry and + G-SCH-N's Economy.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We are a moral family;</p> + + <p class="i2">We are, we are, we are!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>All the cardinal virtues bound in—ahem! no matter.</p> + + <p>Talk of the Gigantic Gooseberry! What is that apocryphal + monstrosity compared with this Brobdingnagian Berry? + [<i>Sings.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bravo, my "British Queen"!</p> + + <p>Long live my "British Queen"!</p> + + <p class="i2">Brave "British Queen"!</p> + + <p>Send it victorious,</p> + + <p>First-Prizer glorious,</p> + + <p>Fill Rads censorious</p> + + <p class="i2">With envious spleen!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>As you <i>will</i>, my Beauty! When did swaggering H-RC-RT's + horticulture produce such goodly fruits? Or sour-mug'd + M-RL-Y's? Or leary L-BBY's? Or Slawkenbergian M-ND-LLA's? Or + even that of the Grand Old Grower, GL-DST-NE himself, with all + his fluent patter about British Pomona, and the native + Jam-pot?</p> + + <p>I know the badly-beaten lot maintain that the plant is a + "Sport" from an old purchase of their own. Bless you, they + claim <i>all</i> the good stocks—always did. Who cares? + My young floricultural friend, JOE of Birmingham, who knows a + bit about fruits as well as concerning orchids, let me tell + you,—JOE, I say, laughs their preposterous pretensions to + scorn. Look at G-SCH-N's own particular plant there—a bit + late, but very promising, and probably destined to take a prize + before the season's over. Didn't JOE recommend the stock to + GL-DST-NE years ago? And didn't the haughty Hawarden + horticulturist turn up his nose at it as an "Unauthorised" + intruder upon his own Prize Programme? And, more by token, + didn't JOE get the hump in consequence, cut the old connection, + and set up on his own account in the forcing-house line, with a + friendly leaning to our firm? Aha! "<i>Hinc illæ lachrymæ</i>," + as the Guv'nor would say. Hence, also, this Colossal + Strawberry!</p> + + <p>Thanks of the Society? I should rayther think so! They may + chaff "OLD MORALITY" as much as they like—but morality + <i>pays</i>, even in strawberry-growing; and my duty to my + (British) Queen has brought about <i>this</i> triumph. Early + Industry started it, and careful horticultural Economy brought + it to its present pitch of perfection. Look at it! Size, shape, + sweetness, scent, all superb! If the Season shouldn't produce + another Prize-Winner, this alone ought to satisfy SOLLY. And if + G-SCH-N's seedling, "Gratis," <i>should</i> turn out a triumph + later on, why we shall score tremendously. Wish G-SCH-N would + "sit up and snort" less, and smile more. Patience and plenty of + sun! That's the tip for a horticulturist. Standing at the door + and shying stones at your neighbour's glasshouses, won't make + your own fruit ripen, if GEORGE JOKIM could only see it. As + H-RT D-KE says, <i>tu quoques</i> are a nuisance, and want + fumigating off the face of the earth. JOKIM and ARTHUR B-LF-R a + bit too fond of 'em for <i>my</i> fancy. However, all the + "you're anothers" on earth can't affect my Strawberry now, + thanks be! <i>The</i> Fruit of the Season, though I say it who + perhaps shouldn't.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>(<i>Sings.</i>) From "Greenlands" sunny garden,</p> + + <p class="i10">And vista'd vitreous panes,</p> + + <p class="i10">We mean to rival Hawarden,</p> + + <p class="i10">In glories and in gains.</p> + + <p class="i10">I have produced, Sweet WILL-I-AM,</p> + + <p class="i10">This Giant Strawber-ry,</p> + + <p class="i10">In horticultural skill I am</p> + + <p class="i10">A match for W.G.! [<i>Left + chortling.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE VERY LAST ON THE 'BUS STRIKE.—After the + comparative quiet of last week, the streets of London will now + be as 'bussy as ever.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page295" + id="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/295.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/295.png" + alt="THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION." /></a> + + <h3>THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION.</h3> + + <p>W.H. SM-TH (<i>Head Gardener and Prize Exhibitor</i>). + "HAD TO NIP OFF A LOT OF BLOOMS TO GET HIM UP TO THIS + SIZE!!"</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"At the Bimonthly Exhibition of the Royal + Horticultural Society ... Mr. W.H. SMITH showed + specimens of the same luscious + fruit"—strawberries—"for which he received + the thanks of the Society."—<i>Daily + Telegraph</i>, Wednesday, June 10.</p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" + id="page297"></a>[pg 297]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/297.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297.png" + alt="SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE." /></a> + + <h3>SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE.</h3> + + <p>PORTRAIT OF A LITERARY FRIEND, WHO, LIVING IN A MAIN + THOROUGHFARE, WAS AN ARDENT SUPPORTER OF THE 'BUS STRIKE, + SUBSCRIBED TO ITS FUNDS, ADD HOPED IT MIGHT LONG CONTINUE. + HE SAYS HE HASN'T HAD SUCH A QUIET TIME WITH HIS BOOKS FOR + YEARS. BUT ALAS! SINCE LAST SUNDAY HE HAS NOT SMILED + AGAIN.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MRS. GINGHAM ON THE GREAT 'BUS QUESTION.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The demand for 'Buses is immensely stimulated by their + presence, and when they are no longer there, the people who + thought them indispensable get on very well indeed without + them.... Under the influence of penny fares, Londoners are + rapidly forgetting how to walk."—<i>The + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! it's all very fine, my good Sir, whosomever you + are as writes such,</p> + + <p>But of decent poor folk and their needs it is plain + as you do not know much.</p> + + <p>Which I ain't quite so young as I was, nor as light, + nor as smart on my feet,</p> + + <p>And you may not know quite what it is to be out late + o' night and dead beat,</p> + + <p>Out Islington way, arter ten, with a bundle, a + child, and a cage,</p> + + <p>As canaries is skeery at night, and a seven mile + walk, at my age,</p> + + <p>All along of no 'Bus to be had, love or money, and + cabs that there dear,</p> + + <p>And a stitch in my side and short breath, ain't as + nice as you fancy,—no fear!</p> + + <p>Likeways look at my JOHN every morning, ah! rain, + hail or shine, up to town,</p> + + <p>With no trams running handy, and corns! As I sez to + my friend Mrs. BROWN,</p> + + <p>Bless the 'Buses, I sez, they're a boon to poor + souls, as must travel at times,</p> + + <p>And we can't <i>all</i> keep kerridges neither, wus + luck! Penny Fares ain't no crimes,</p> + + <p>If you arsk me, as did ought to know. Which my + feelings I own it does rouge</p> + + <p>To hear big-wigs a-sneering at 'Buses. There may be + a bit of a scrouge,</p> + + <p>And the smell of damp straw mixed with pep'mint + ain't nice to a dalicot nose,</p> + + <p>Likeways neat "Oh be Joyful's" a thing as with + orange and snuff hardly goes.</p> + + <p>But we ain't all rekerky nor rich, we can't all + afford sixpence a mile,</p> + + <p>And when we are old, late, and tired, or it's wet, + we can't think about <i>style</i>.</p> + + <p>The 'Bus is the poor body's kerridge, young + feller—and as for your talk</p> + + <p>About not never missing a lift, or + forgetting—dear sakes!—<i>how</i> to + walk,</p> + + <p>And the nice quiet streets and all that; why it's + clear <i>you</i> ain't been a poor clerk</p> + + <p>With a precious small "screw," in wet weather. Ah! + you wouldn't find it no lark</p> + + <p>With thin boots and a 'ard 'acking cough, and three + mile every day to and thro',</p> + + <p>Or a puffy old woman like me, out at Witsuntide + wisiting JOE,</p> + + <p>(My young son in the greengrocer line); or a + governess, peaky and pale,</p> + + <p>As has just overslep herself slightly, and can't git + by cab or by rail.</p> + + <p>"Ugly lumbering wehicles?" Ah! and we're ugly and + lumbering too,</p> + + <p>A lot of us poor Penny 'Bus fares, as isn't + high-born or true-blue.</p> + + <p>But the 'Bus is our help. Wery like some do ride as + had far better walk,</p> + + <p>Whether tip-toppy swells or poor shop-girls. But all + that is trumpery talk.</p> + + <p>What I arsk is, why shouldn't the 'Buses be kept a + bit reglar, like Cabs,</p> + + <p>In the matter of fares and of distances? Oh, a old + woman it crabs</p> + + <p>To hear of Perprietors pinching pore fellers as + drive or conduck,</p> + + <p>While the "Pirates" play up merry mag with the poor + helpless fare, as gets stuck</p> + + <p>Betwixt Dividend-grinders and Strikers? It ought to + be altered, <i>I</i> say.</p> + + <p>Whilst they talk of what 'Bus-folk should earn, they + forget the pore Publick—who <i>pay</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>LE PRINCE S'AMUSE.</h3> + + <h4><i>An Apologetic Idyl.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My life is held to be a round of Pleasures;</p> + + <p>All I can say is, they who thus would rate it,</p> + + <p>For life's delights have most peculiar measures:</p> + + <p>For though in plainest English they don't state + it,</p> + + <p>'Tis clear "no recreation" meets their views,</p> + + <p>Or why that sneering cry, "<i>Le Prince + s'amuse?</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or do they think a Prince, without repining,</p> + + <p>Foundation-stones unceasingly is laying,</p> + + <p>Rewarded with a glut of public dining,</p> + + <p>The pangs of hunger ever to be staying,</p> + + <p>Is recreation such as he would choose?</p> + + <p>If so—I understand "<i>Le Prince + s'amuse!</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But how a world that notes his daily doings,</p> + + <p>The everlasting round of weary function,—</p> + + <p>The health-returnings, speeches, interviewings.</p> + + <p>Can grudge him some relief, without compunction,</p> + + <p>Seems quite to me "another pair of shoes!"</p> + + <p>Dyspeptic is that cry, "<i>Le Prince + s'amuse!</i>"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MODERN BRIGAND.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragment from the Adventures of a Ransomed + Prisoner.</i>)</h4> + + <p>I must confess I was agreeably surprised at the treatment to + which I was subjected by my capturers. Instead of being loaded + with chains and confined in a cell beneath the castle's moat, I + was given perfect liberty, and had quite a pleasant suite of + rooms. I should scarcely have known that I was in durance had + not one of the less refined of the brigands shown me a + revolver, and playfully informed me that its contents were + intended for me if I attempted to escape. The Chief was + absolutely charming. He treated me in the most courteous + manner, and ended his first interview with me by requesting + "the honour of my company at dinner."</p> + + <p>"You need not dress!" he observed, "although I like to put + on a tail-coat myself. But I know that you have had some + difficulty with my people about your luggage, and so I shall be + only too delighted to excuse <i>grande tenue</i>."</p> + + <p>The "difficulty" to which my host referred was the seizing + of my portmanteau by the gang of thieves of which he was the + acknowledged head. I suggested that I might possibly recover + some of its contents.</p> + + <p>"I am afraid not," returned the Chieftain. "You see my + people are very methodical, and by this time I fear all the + goods will have been sold. The motto of the Club is 'small + profits and quick returns.' We find no difficulty in trading. + As we carry on business on the most economical principles, we + can quote prices even cheaper than the Stores."</p> + + <p>And this I found to be the case. Although the brigands were + very civil to me, I was unable to trace any of my property. + However, as my host in the kindest manner had allowed me to + dispense with ceremony, I ventured to appear at dinner-time in + my ordinary tourist's dress.</p> + + <p>"I am delighted to see you," said the Chief, speaking + English for the first time, "as you are now my guest, I must + confess that we are fellow countrymen."</p> + + <p>"Indeed!" I replied, considerably astonished. "If you are + really of British nationality, how is it that I find you a + professional thief?"</p> + + <p>"You are mistaken," returned the Chief. "I merely belong to + a society for the redistribution of capital. You know we are + all balloted for, and I was myself afraid that I might get + pilled."</p> + + <p>"Indeed!" I exclaimed, in a tone of surprise. "Surely your + accomplishments—for I noticed, on my arrival, that you + were a first-rate hand at lawn tennis, and played the + flute—would have secured your admission?"</p> + + <p>"Well," he returned with a smile, "I fancy they helped me + with the Committee. But unhappily my antecedents were + bad—I had made a fortune on the London Stock Exchange, + and my books were scarcely as satisfactory as our bandit + auditors could have desired them to be. However they took a + kindly view of the case, and allowed me to pass through. But + pardon me, I see your ransom has arrived. I am afraid I must + say good bye. A pleasant journey."</p> + + <p>And shaking me warmly by the hand, he helped me into the + conveyance that was to take me back to home and freedom. I have + never seen him since.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" + id="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/298.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/298.png" + alt="ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.—HARTINGTONIANA." /> + </a> + + <h3>ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.—HARTINGTONIANA.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" + id="page299"></a>[pg 299]</span> + + <h2>A COY COLOSSUS.</h2> + + <p>PARIS, <i>June 15</i>.—It is stated here, on no + authority whatever, that when the CZAR was recently visiting + the French Exhibition at Moscow, his Imperial Majesty was heard + to remark, "This makes me desire to see the Boulevards again." + A visit of the ruler of Russia to Paris during the Summer is + therefore considered to be certain. An offensive and defensive + Alliance between the two countries is said to be on the point + of signature.</p> + + <p>A few evenings ago, in a low <i>café</i> in Belleville, M. + NOKASHIKOFF, who left St. Petersburg lately to escape his + creditors, and who conceived the happy idea of raising a little + money by walking to Paris in a sack composed of the French and + Russian national flags stitched together, was entertained to + supper by his Gallic admirers. The proceedings, especially + towards midnight, were very enthusiastic. Throughout the + festivities, constant cries of "<i>Vive l'Alliance + Franco-Russe!</i>" were raised. This incident is said to have + placed the immediate signature of the Treaty between the CZAR + and President CARNOT beyond a doubt.</p> + + <p>Last evening a foreigner, who by appearance would have been + taken for a Muscovite, was walking along the asphalte, when he + was surrounded by a crowd of persons crying "<i>Vive la + Russie!</i>" The foreigner seemed both surprised and annoyed by + these attentions, and at length began to use his fists and his + boots liberally on the ringleaders of the mob. This treatment, + however, seemed only to increase their Russophil ardour, and + the stranger was soon hoisted on to the shoulders of some of + his foremost admirers, struggling violently. On the arrival of + a gendarme, he explained that he was an English book-maker, and + that "this bloomin' mob of boot-lickers had taken him for a + bloomin' Russian!" The crowd shortly afterwards dispersed. The + completion of the formal alliance between France and Russia is + considered less certain than it was a few days ago.</p> + + <p>The Frenchman, M. TÊTE-BOIS, who recently attempted to walk + on his head from Paris to Moscow, in order to show the sympathy + felt in France for the Muscovite Empire, did not succeed in + carrying out his design. He was stopped shortly after crossing + the Russian frontier, imprisoned, and heavily ironed. After + suffering in this way for a week, he was told that he must + leave Russian territory within twenty-four hours, or else + continue his journey to Siberia. On being appealed to, the CZAR + graciously extended the time given for quitting Russia to + forty-eight hours. This Imperial clemency has caused the widest + feeling of gratitude and satisfaction in France, and the + signature of the definitive Alliance between the two countries + is confidently expected at an exceedingly early date.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/299.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/299.png" + alt="FANCY PORTRAIT." /></a> + + <h3>FANCY PORTRAIT.</h3>(<i>Dedicated to Lord Chief Justice + Coleridge.</i>) + + <p>"THE LORD ARCHBISHOP OF NOVA SCOTIA, PRELATE OF THE + ORDER OF THE SUN," CAUGHT CHEATING AT CARDS + (HYPOTHETICALLY) BY THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, AND TAKEN, + INSTANTANEOUSLY, BY OUR ARTIST.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday Night, June 8</i>.—I knew + DYKE first when (good many years ago now) as DIZZY's whip he + hunted in couple with ROWLAND WINN; then always called HART + DYKE. Like many other young men he has in interval lost his + HART, and now known as Sir WILLIAM DYKE. Curious thing, as SARK + reminds me, how absorbent is the name of WILLIAM. Quite + probable that before <i>Black-Eyed Susan's</i> friend came + prominently on the stage he had some other Christian name, sunk + when he was promoted to shadow of yard-arm. Certainly there is + an equally eminent man sitting opposite DYKE in House to-night, + who like him is "Sir WILLIAM" to the present generation, and + was VERNON HARCOURT to an elder one.</p> + + <p>DYKE, under whatever name, done excellently well to-night. + Holding comparatively minor appointment in Ministry, suddenly + finds himself in charge of principal measure of Session. + Handicapped, moreover, with recollections of time when he has + uncompromisingly declared himself against the very principle he + now embodies in Bill, and invites House to add to Statute + Book.</p> + + <p>That was first hedge for DYKE to take, and he went over in + plucky style that threw the scorner off his trail. Didn't live + in close communication with DIZZY through six long years for + nothing. Not likely to forget what happened in very earliest + days of Parliament of 1874, when DIZZY for first time found + himself not only in office but in power. During election + campaign DIZZY, speaking in the safety of Buckinghamshire, had + made some wild statement about easing the chains of Ireland. + Simply designed to gain Irish vote; forgotten as soon as + spoken. But ROBERT MONTAGU—where, by the way, is ROBERT + MONTAGU?—treasured these things up in his heart, and when + DIZZY appeared in the House, Leader of triumphant majority, + asked him what he was going to do about it?</p> + + <p>"It is sometime since the observations referred to were + made," said DIZZY, "and—er—a good deal has happened + in the interval."</p> + + <p>DYKE, recalling and admitting his former statements on Free + Education, did not attempt to minimise their import. "But." he + said, button-holing House as it were, and treating it quite + confidentially, "the fact is we all change our minds." House + laughed at this as it had laughed at DIZZY seventeen years ago, + and DYKE, absolved and encouraged, went forward with his + speech.</p> + + <p>Not a brilliant oration in any way; neither exordium nor + peroration, and the middle occasionally a little mixed. But a + good sensible straightforward speech, and if DYKE had done no + more than show that an important Ministerial measure could be + explained within limit of an hour, he would not have lived in + vain.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Education Bill introduced.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Nothing at first sight in personal + appearance of HERBERT THOMAS KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN that suggests + a swan. Fancy I have heard something of these birds being + addicted to the habit of breaking forth into song when + convinced of approaching dissolution. That, I suppose, is how + the swan was suggested to the mind when just now, + KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN rose from behind Ministers, and began to + chant his threnody. Resolution on which Education Bill grafted + brought up for report stage; agreed to, and HART DYKE about to + bring in his Bill. Then from the back seat rose a sturdy yeoman + figure, and a powerful voice was uplifted in denunciation of + the Bill and of a Ministry that had betrayed the trust of the + Conservative Party. It was, so the swan sang, a step on the + road to Socialism. He feared it had come to pass that dangerous + measures are more likely to emanate from the Treasury Bench + than from the Front Bench opposite.</p> + + <p>Liberals roared with delighted laughter and cheers; the + Conservatives sat glum and ill-at-ease. OLD MORALITY's white + teeth gleamed with a spasmodic smile. As for JOKIM he folded + his arms, and bit his lips and frowned.</p> + + <p>"What antiquated nonsense this is!" he muttered, "of course + Free Education is not a Conservative principle. They all + protested against it at the General Election. A year earlier I, + who happened at the time to be numbered in the Liberal ranks, + put my back <span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" + id="page300"></a>[pg 300]</span> against the wall, and, + picturing the evils that would befall my country if its + institutions were thus demoralised, I said I would die + before I would lend a hand to free the schools. But you see, + TOBY, <i>I haven't died</i>, and that changes the whole + situation. Not only enables me to retain my place in + Government bringing in Free Education, but permits me, as + CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, actually to find the means for + carrying out the system. Can't understand a fellow like this + KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN sticking to his principles when it + becomes expedient to swallow them. He's a disgrace to a + family that counts BRABOURNE as its head."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:26%;"> + <a href="images/300-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-1.png" + alt="'A Progressive Conservative.' (<i>Vide Dod.</i>)" /> + </a> "A Progressive Conservative." (<i>Vide Dod.</i>) + </div> + + <p>"HUGESSEN's a good fellow," said ISAACSON; "wears well, but + is politically a fossil. Now <i>I'm</i> a progressive + Conservative, which I think you'll find, TOBY, my boy, to be + about the time of day."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Assisted Education Bill; firmly + led up to table by HART DYKE.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Lively fight round Deceased Wife's + Sister Bill. Ascot in vain held forth its attractions; + supporters of the Bill hoped opponents would go; opponents came + down rather expecting HENEAGE's virtue would have given way, + and Ascot would have claimed him as its own. But everybody + there—MAKINS's men with long list of Amendments warranted + to keep things going till half-past five, when progress must be + reported, and chance of Bill for present Session lost. MAKINS + himself in high oratorical feather. OSBORNE-AP-MORGAN, having + made a proposition and subsequently withdrawn it, MAKINS, + putting on severest judicial aspect, observed, "It is all very + well for the Right Hon. and learned Gentleman to make a legal + JONAH of himself and swallow his opinions."</p> + + <p>"Bless us all!" cried ROWNTREE, looking on with blank + amazement, "MAKINS evidently thinks that JONAH swallowed the + whale." Bill seemed to shatter friendships and dissever old + alliances. SQUIRE of MALWOOD naturally at home in the fray, but + rather startling to find HOME SECRETARY running amuck at + CHAMBERLAIN. MATTHEWS in his most hoity-toity mood; quivered + with indignation; thumped the table; shook a forensic + forefinger at the undesignedly offending JOSEPH, and, + generally, went on the rampage. As for HENEAGE, he filled up + any little pause in uproar by diving in and moving the Closure. + Once, whilst GEDGE was opposing an Amendment hostile to Bill, + HENEAGE dashed in with his Closure motion. GEDGE's face a + study; mingled surprise, indignation, and ineffable regret + mantled his mobile front.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/300-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-2.png" + alt="'Bless us all!'" /></a>"Bless us all!" + </div> + + <p>"To think," he said afterwards, "that just when I was coming + to HENEAGE's help with an argument founded on profound study + and pointed with legal lore, he should suddenly jump up, lower + his head, and, as it were, butt me in the stomach with the + Closure. It is more than I can at the moment comprehend."</p> + + <p>GEDGE so flurried that when Members returned, after Division + on Closure, he being, in accordance with the rule, seated and + wearing his hat, wanted to argue out the question with + COURTNEY.</p> + + <p>"I submit, Sir," he said, "that the Hon. Member, in moving + the Closure, controverted Rule 186."</p> + + <p>The Chairman: "I think the Hon. Member can scarcely have + read the Rule."</p> + + <p>Mr. GEDGE: "I have read the Rule, Sir. This is what it + says—"</p> + + <p>Chairman: "Order! Order!" and GEDGE subsided.</p> + + <p>Then TOMLINSON fortuitously turning up on Treasury Bench, + joined in conversation. But COURTNEY turned upon him with such + a thunderous cry of "Order! Order!" that TOMLINSON visibly + shrivelled up, and his sentence, like the unfinished window in + ALLADIN's Tower, unfinished must remain.</p> + + <p>Wrangling went on till a quarter past five, when TALBOT + interposed, and with most funereal manner moved to report + progress. HENEAGE almost mechanically lowered his head and had + started to butt at TALBOT as he had upset GEDGE when he was + providentially stopped and convinced that further struggle with + obstruction was hopeless. So, Clause I. agreed to, Bill talked + out. MAKINS, growing increasingly delightful, protested that a + Bill that had been fifty years before the country, was not to + be rushed through the House on a Wednesday afternoon. + <i>Argal</i>, the more familiar the House is with the details + of a measure, the more necessary is it to debate it.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Marriage with a Deceased Wife's + Sister. Banns again objected to.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>, 1:25 A M.—Land Bill just through + report stage. Nothing left now but Third Reading. "Well, KNOX," + said WINDBAG SEXTON, "that will be our last opportunity, and we + must make the most of it. In meantime I think we've done pretty + well. I'm especially pleased with you. You're a boy of great + promise. If anything happened to me—a stray tack in the + bench, or a pin maliciously directed, and the wind-bag were to + collapse—you'd do capitally, till I got it repaired."</p> + + <p>WINDBAG JUNIOR blushed. As OLD MORALITY remarks, Ingenuous + youth delights in the Approbation of Seasoned Seniority.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Land at last—I mean Land + Purchase Bill through at last.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GENERAL OF THE FUTURE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Tent in rear of a Battle-field.</i> + Political Officer <i>in attendance upon Army, waiting for + Military assistance.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Political Officer</i> (<i>impatiently</i>). Now then, + Orderly, have you not been able to secure a General for me?</p> + + <p><i>Orderly</i> (<i>saluting</i>). Beg pardon, Sir, but it's + so difficult, since they have passed that new Royal Warrant, to + know which is which.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>more impatiently</i>). + Nonsense!—any General Officer will do. <i>Ord</i>. Very + good, Sir.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit.</i> Political Officer <i>stamps his foot + irritably, when enter</i> First General Officer, + <i>hurriedly.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Gen. Off.</i> Well, Sir, how can I assist you?</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>cordially</i>). Glad to see you, + General. Fact is, supposing we arrange a treaty, do you think + it would be wise to surrender the fortress on the right side of + the river, if we retain the redoubt near the wood as a basis of + operations? You see—</p> + + <p><i>First Gen. Off.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Very sorry, + but don't know anything about it.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). But aren't you a + General?</p> + + <p><i>First Gen. Off.</i> Certainly. General-Surgeon. Ta, ta! + [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> Well of all the—(<i>Enter Second Gen. + Off.</i>) Well, Sir, what is it? Who are you?</p> + + <p><i>Second Gen. Off.</i> I am a General Officer, and I was + told you required my poor services.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> So I do. The fact is, General, supposing we + arrange a treaty, do you think it wise for us to surrender the + fortress—</p> + + <p><i>Second Gen. Off.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Alas! my dear + friend, I fear I can be of no help to you—it is entirely + out of my line.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). But aren't you a + General?</p> + + <p><i>Second Gen. Off.</i> Certainly. A General-Chaplain. + Farewell, dear friend. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> Well of all the—(<i>Enter</i> Third + General Officer.) Well, Sir, who and what are you?</p> + + <p><i>Third Gen. Off.</i> (<i>briskly</i>). A General. Now + then, look sharp! No time to lose. Hear you require me. How can + I help you?</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>aside</i>). Ah, this is the sort of man + I want! (<i>Aloud.</i>) Well then, General, we are arranging a + treaty, and I want your advice about retaining a fortress on + the right of the river—</p> + + <p><i>Third Gen. Off.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Sorry. Can't + help! Not my province. Good bye! [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>shouting after him</i>). But aren't you + a General?</p> + + <p><i>Third Gen. Off.</i> (<i>voice heard in the distance</i>.) + Yes. General-Postman!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon political official language + unfit for publication.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>MUSICAL NOTES.—<i>Saturday Afternoon</i>.—Albert + Hall jubilant. M. PLANCON or PLANÇON—the production of + the "c" depending on the state of his voice—was encored + and "obliged again." So did Madame ALBANI, who was in superb + voice. But her accompanist, M. CARRODUS, who had given us one + violin <i>obbligato</i>, did <i>not</i> obbligato again, and so + Madame sang, admirably of course, the ever-welcome "<i>Home, + Sweet Home</i>." GIULIA RAVOGLI gave her great <i>Orphéo</i> + song, and DRURIOLANUS, practising courtly attitudes, as one + preparing to receive a German Emperor, smole beamingly on the + gratified audience. At The Garden, <i>Mireille</i>, revived on + Wednesday last, hasn't much life in her, but Miss EAMES + charming.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13422 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13422-h/images/289.png b/13422-h/images/289.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8d91237 --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/289.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/290.png b/13422-h/images/290.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c4a89d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/290.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/291.png b/13422-h/images/291.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5f5f26d --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/291.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/292.png b/13422-h/images/292.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f685f49 --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/292.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/293-1.png b/13422-h/images/293-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4908337 --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/293-1.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/293-2.png b/13422-h/images/293-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..446776b --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/293-2.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/294.png b/13422-h/images/294.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e3864f --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/294.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/295.png b/13422-h/images/295.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..89c7cc1 --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/295.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/297.png b/13422-h/images/297.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dcf4490 --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/297.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/298.png b/13422-h/images/298.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5335907 --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/298.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/299.png b/13422-h/images/299.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e02fe3b --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/299.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/300-1.png b/13422-h/images/300-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e510470 --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/300-1.png diff --git a/13422-h/images/300-2.png b/13422-h/images/300-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cefceac --- /dev/null +++ b/13422-h/images/300-2.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4314bb6 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13422 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13422) diff --git a/old/13422-8.txt b/old/13422-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b1982df --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13422-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1756 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, +June 20, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, June 20, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 10, 2004 [EBook #13422] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +June 20, 1891. + + + + +ON THE RIVER. + +[Illustration] + + A light canoe, a box of cigarettes, + Sunshine and shade; + A conscience free from love or money debts + To man or maid; + + A book of verses, tender, quaint, or gay, + DOBSON or LANG; + Trim yew-girt gardens, echoing the day + When HERRICK sang; + + A Thames-side Inn, a salad, and some fruit, + Beaune or Hochheimer;-- + Are simple joys, but admirably suit + An idle rhymer. + + * * * * * + +A 'BUS 'OSS'S MEMS. + +(_KEPT DURING A RECENT SOCIAL CRISIS._) + +_Saturday, June 6_, 11 P.M.--Home after our last turn. Fancy from +several drinks had on the way, and the pace we had to put into that +last mile and a half, that something's up. Turned into stall nice and +comfortable, as usual. + +_Sunday_.--Something is up with a vengeance. Hoorooh! We're on strike. +I don't know the rights of it, nor don't care, as long as I have my +bit of straw to roll in, and a good feed twice a day. I wonder, by +the way, if the fellow who looks after my oats is "off." Past feeding +time. Feel uneasy about it. Hang it all, I would rather work for _my_ +living, than be tied up here doing nothing without a feed! Ha! here he +is, thank goodness, at last. However, better late than never. Capital +fun this strike. + +_Monday_.--Am sent out in a loyal omnibus. Hooted at and frightened +with brickbats. Felt half inclined to shy. Halloa! what's this? Hit on +the ribs with a paving-stone. Come, I won't stand this. Kick and back +the 'bus on to the pavement. All the windows smashed by Company's men. +Passengers get out. Somebody cuts the traces, and I allow myself to be +led back to the stables. Don't care about this sort of fun. However, +feed all right. + +_Tuesday_.--Hear that the men want thirteen and sixpence a day and +a seven hours' turn. Directors offer five and sixpence, and make the +minimum seventeen hours. Go it, my hearties! Fight away! Who cares? +You must feed _me_, that's quite certain. Still I don't care about +being cooped up here all day. Nasty feeling of puffiness about the +knees. Hang the strike! + +_Wednesday_.--Puffiness worse. Vet. looks in and says I want exercise. +Take a bolus and am walked for half an hour or so up and down some +back-streets. Bless them!--that ain't no good. + +_Thursday_.--Puffiness worse, of course. Bother it all, being shut up +here! What wouldn't I give just for a sight of dear old Piccadilly! +The fact is, if they don't soon let me have my run from King's Cross +to Putney, I shall "bust up"--and that's a fact. I feel it. + +_Friday_.--Ah, they may well come to terms! Another day of this, and I +believe I should have been off the hooks "for ever and for aye." It's +all very well for Capital and Labour to get at loggerheads, but, as +DUCROW said, they must cut all their disputes short if they wish to +save anything of their business, and look sharp, and "come to the +'osses." + +_Saturday, 13th_.--Strike over! We shall have to be in harness again +on Monday, and not a day too soon, in the interests of the men, the +Directors, the Public; and, last, but by no means least, specially +that of "the 'osses." + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + +"OLD TO-MORROW." + +THE RIGHT HON. SIR JOHN ALEXANDER MACDONALD, LATE PREMIER OF CANADA. + + Punch sympathises with Canadian sorrow + For him known lovingly as "OLD TOMORROW." + Hail to "the Chieftain!" He lies mute to-day, + But Fame still speaks for him, and shall for aye. + "To-morrow--and to-morrow!" SHAKSPEARE sighs. + So runs the round of time! Man lives and dies. + But death comes not with mere surcease of breath + To such as him. "The road to dusty death" + Not "all his yesterdays." have lighted. Nay! + Canada's "OLD TO-MORROW" lives to-day + In unforgetting hearts, and nothing fears + The long to-morrow of the coming years. + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, Wednesday, May 28th_.--Great doings here to-day. For +weeks past all the Conservative Ladies of Billsbury have been hard at +work, knitting, sewing, painting, embroidering, patching, quilting, +crocheting, and Heaven knows what besides, for the Bazaar in aid of +the Conservative Young Men's Club and Coffee-Room Sustentation Fund. +You couldn't call at any house in Billsbury without being nearly +smothered in heaps of fancy-work of every kind. When I was at the +PENFOLDS' on Monday afternoon, the drawing-room was simply littered +with bonnets and hats, none of them much larger than a crown piece, +which Miss PENFOLD had been constructing. She tried several of them +on, in order to get my opinion as to their merits. She looked very +pretty in one of them, a cunning arrangement of forget-me-nots and +tiny scraps of pink ribbon. Mother promised some time ago to open the +Bazaar, though she assured me she had never done such a thing before, +and added that I must be sure to see that the doors moved easily, as +new doors were so apt to stick, and she didn't know what she should +do if she had to struggle over the opening. I comforted her by telling +her she would only have to say a few brief words on a platform, +declaring the Bazaar open. For the last week I have had a letter from +her by absolutely every post, sending draft speeches for my approval. +After much consideration I selected one of these, which I returned to +her. I heard from home that she was very busily occupied for some time +in learning it by heart. When cook came for orders in the morning, she +was forced to listen while Mother said over the speech to her. Cook +was good enough to express a high opinion of its beauties. + +Yesterday evening Mother arrived, with the usual enormous amount of +luggage, including the inevitable _Carlo_. After dinner I heard her +repeat the speech, which went off very well. This is it:--"Ladies +and Gentlemen, I am so pleased to be here to-day, and to have the +opportunity of helping the dear Conservative cause in Billsbury. I am +sure you are all so anxious to buy as many of these lovely things as +you can, and I therefore lose no time in declaring the Bazaar open." +Simple, but efficient. + +The opening to-day was fixed for 2:30, the Bazaar being held in the +large room of the Assembly Rooms, which had been arranged to represent +an Old English Tillage. At one o'clock Colonel and Mrs. CHORKLE, +Alderman and Mrs. TOLLAND, and one or two others, lunched with us, and +afterwards we all drove off together in a procession of carriages. I +insisted on _Carlo_ being left behind, locked up in Mother's bed-room, +with a dish of bones to comfort him, and an old dress of Mother's to +lie on. That old dress has been devoted to _Carlo_ for the last two +years, and no amount of persuasion will induce _Carlo_ to take another +instead. We tried him with a much better one a short time ago, but +he was furious, tore it to ribbons and refused his food until his old +disreputable dress had been restored to him. + +The Bazaar proceedings began with a short prayer delivered by the +Bishop of BRITISH GUIANA, an old Billsbury Grammar-School boy, who +was appointed to the bishopric a month ago. Everybody is making a +tremendous fuss about him here of course. As soon as the prayer was +over, Colonel CHORKLE rose and made what he would call one of his +"'appiest hefforts." The influence of lovely woman, Conservative +principles, devotion to the Throne, the interests of the Conservative +Young Men's Sustentation Fund, all mixed up together like a hasty +pudding. Then came the moment for Mother. First, however, WILLIAMINA +HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE had to be removed outside for causing a +disturbance. Her father's speech so deeply affected this intelligent +infant, who had come under the protection of her nurse, that she burst +out into a loud yell and refused to be comforted. The Colonel's face +was a study--a mixture of drum-head Courts-martial and Gatling guns. +Mother got through with her little speech all right. As a matter +of fact she read it straight off a sheet of paper, having finally +decided that her memory was too treacherous. We both set to work and +bought an incredible amount of things. After half an hour I found +myself in possession of six bonnets made by Miss PENFOLD, three +knitted waistcoats, four hand-painted screens, two tea-tables also +hand-painted, a lady's work-basket, three fancy shawls, a set of glass +studs and a double perambulator, which I won in a raffle. Mother got +three dog-collars, a set of shaving materials (won in a raffle), +two writing cases, five fans, two pictures by a local artist, four +paper-knives, two carved cigar-boxes, a set of tea things, and five +worked table-covers. + +When we got back, we found that _Carlo_ had nearly gnawed his way +through the bed-room door, and was growling horribly at the boots and +the chambermaid through the keyhole. Charming dog! + + * * * * * + +SIMIAN TALK. + + Professor GARNERS, in the _New Review_ + Tells us that "Apes can talk." _That's_ nothing new; + Reading much "Simian" literary rot, + One only wishes that our "Apes" could _not_! + + * * * * * + +THE NEW TALE OF A TUB; OR, THE NOT-AT-HOME SECRETARY AND THE +LAUNDRESSES. + +[Illustration: "CAN'T SEE YOU NOW, I'M WASHING--MYSELF." + +"The Women are crying out for the protection of the Factory Acts, +which has hitherto been denied them, and which the Home Secretary +declines to pledge the Government to support."--_Daily Telegraph, +Friday, June 12th._] + +_London Laundry-woman, to her Tub-mate, loquitur_:-- + + They tell us the Tub is humanity's friend, and that Cleanliness is of + closest kin + To all things good. By the newest gospel 'tis held that Dirt is the + friend of Sin. + Well, I'm not so sure that the world's far wrong in that Worship of + Washing that's all the rage; + But we, its priestesses, sure might claim a cleanly life and a decent + wage! + + Listen, BET, from your comfortless seat on the turned-up pail,--if + you've got the time; + Isn't it queer that Society's cleansers must pass their lives amidst + muck and grime? + Spotless flannels no doubt are nice--and snowy linen is "swell" and sweet, + But steaming reek is around our heads, and trickling foulness about our + feet. + + If the dainty ladies whose linen we lave, we laundress drudges, could + look in _here_, + Wouldn't their feet shrink back with sickness, and wouldn't their faces + go pale with fear? + White, well-ironed, all sheen and sweetness, that linen looks when it + leaves our hands; + But they little think of the sodden squalor that marks the den where + the laundress stands. + + Scrub, scrub, scrub, at the reeking tub, for eighteen hours at a + stretch, perchance, + Till our bowed backs ache, and our knuckles smart, and the lights through + the steam like spectres dance; + Ankle-deep in the watery sludge, where the tile is loose or the drainage + blocked! + Oh, I haven't a doubt that the dainty dames--if they only knew!--would be + sorely shocked. + + Typhoid! Terribly menacing word, the whisper of which would destroy our + trade; + But dirt, and damp, and defective drainage will raise that ghost on a + world afraid; + And at thirty years our strength is sapped by insidious siege of the + stifling fume, + Or what if we linger a little longer? Scant rays of comfort such life + illume. + + Grievances, BET? Well, I make no doubt that the world of idlers is + sorely sick + Of the moans and groans of the likes of us. When the whip, the needle, + the spade, the pick, + Are all on strike for a higher wage, 'tis a worry, of course, to the + well-to-do, + And a sleek Home-Sec, must "decline to pledge" support official to me + and you. + + Of course, of course! Who are we, my dear, to bother the big-wigs and + stir their bile? + Why, it's all along of our "discontent," and the Agitator's insidious + guile. + But Labour, BET, is agog just now to revise the old one-sided pacts, + And even a Laundress may have an eye to the benefit of the Factory Acts. + + Those bad, bad 'Busmen, BET my girl, claim shorter hours, and a longer + pay; + Just think of such for the Slaves of the Tub! Why should we women not + have our say + In the Park o' Sunday, like DAN the Docker, or TOM the Tailor, or WILL + the "Whip"? + The Tub and the Ironing-board appear to have got a chance--which they + mustn't let slip: + + An Object Lesson in Laundress Labour, may move the callous and shame + the quiz. + We dream of "Washing as well it might be"; we'll show them "Washing as + now it is." + _We_ know it, BET, in the sodden wet and the choking fume; with the + aching back, + The long, long hours, and the typhoid taint, the inverted pail and the + hurried snack. + + There may--who knows?--be hope for us yet, for you and me, BET! Just + think o' that! + Oh, I know it is hard to believe it, my girl. The Sweater's strong, and + appeal falls flat + On official ears; and fine-lady fears, and household hurry against us go; + But "evil is wrought by want of thought." says some poet, I think;--so + we'll let them _know_! + + Ah! snowy sheets and sweet lavender scent of the dear old days in my + village home! + The breadths of linen a-bleach on the grass! How little I thought that + to this I'd come + Grand ladies of old to their laundry looked, and the tubs were white, + and the presses fair; + Now we cleansers clean in the midst of dirt, in a dank, dark den, with + a noisome air. + + Sometimes I dream till the clouds of steam take the shadowy form of a + spectral thing, + A tyrant terror that threatens our lives, whilst we rub and scrub, whilst + we rinse and wring. + Well, cheer up, BET, girl, stiffen your lip, and straighten your back. + You have finished your grub, + So to work once more; if our champions score, we _may_ find a new end to + this Tale of a Tub! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CURE FOR INFLUENZA. + +_Major O'Gourmand_. "SURE, ME DOCTHOR SAID A GLASS OR TWO OF DRY +CHAMPAGNE'LL DO ME GOOD! BEGORRAH, THE BOTTLE'S DRY ENOUGH BY THIS TIME!"] + + * * * * * + +STRIKING INTELLIGENCE.--A PAGE FROM A LONDONER'S DIARY. + +_Sunday_.--Can scarcely believe the news! What, no omnibuses! A +strike! What _shall_ we do? Fortunately always go to church on foot, +so no loss in that. Then subsequent parade in the Park--don't require +an omnibus for that, either. At the end of the day, can say that, take +one thing with another, state of affairs more comfortable than might +have been anticipated. + +_Monday_.--Dreaded continuance of strike, but found, practically, +little inconvenience. Had to walk to the office, and enjoyed the +promenade immensely. Had no idea that a stroll along the Embankment +was so delightful. After all, one can exist without omnibuses--at +least, for a time. + +_Tuesday_.--Find that people who were at their wits' end at the mere +suggestion of a strike, are becoming reconciled to the situation. +Streets certainly pleasanter without the omnibuses. Great, lumbering +conveyances, filling up the road, and stopping the traffic! London +looks twice as well without them! Tradesmen, too, say that the shops +are just as well attended now as when the two great Companies were in +full swing. + +_Wednesday_.--Can't see what the omnibus people (both sides--Directors +and _employés_) are quarrelling about. No matter of mine, and the +Public are only too glad for a chance of a good walk. Fifty per cent. +better since I have been obliged to give up the morning 'bus. Asked +to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. Certainly +not, the longer the strike lasts the worse for the Public. + +_Thursday_.--Really the present state of affairs is delightful. I +have to thank the deadlock for teaching me to patronise the river +steamboats. Pleasant journey from Vauxhall to the Temple for a penny! +No idea that the Thames was so pretty at Westminster. View of the +Houses of Parliament and the Embankment capital. + +_Friday_.--Strike continues. Well I do not complain. Hired a hansom +and find that considering the cab takes you up to door, it is really +cheaper in the long run. If you use an omnibus, you get jolted, and +run a chance of smashing your hat. If it rains you get splashed and +having to finish your journey on foot, you might just as well have +walked the whole way. + +_Saturday_.--Strike arranged to cease on Monday! This is too much! +Just as we were getting comfortable, all the disgusting lumbering old +omnibuses are to come back again! It ought not to be allowed. Asked +to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. Certainly, +the longer the strike lasts the better for the Public. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?!! + +_First Slender Invalid_. "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT A BEASTLY THING THIS +INFLUENZA IS, EH? I'M JUST GETTING OVER IT." + +_His Wasting Friend_. "AH! YOU'RE RIGHT, MY BOY! I'VE HAD IT TOO, AND +THE WORST OF IT IS, IT _PULLS A FELLOW DOWN_ SO FEARFULLY!!"] + + * * * * * + +EXPLANATIONS À LA MODE. + +(_A PROPHETIC FORECAST, BY A PROFESSIONAL PESSIMIST._) + +1891. The Leader of the House explains, in answer to a question, that +no understanding exists between England and any Foreign country. No +treaty is in contemplation, and never has been suggested on either +side. + +1892. The Government repeats that England is absolutely free from any +international engagements. It must not be thought for a moment that a +single battalion will be moved, or a solitary vessel dispatched abroad +with warlike intentions. + +1893. The Representative of the Cabinet once more denies the +suggestion that, under any consideration whatever, will England +bind herself to accept European responsibility. This has been said +constantly for the last three years, and the Representative of +the Cabinet is not only surprised but pained at these frequent and +embarrassing interrogations. + +1894. Once more, and for the last time, the PREMIER insists that +whatever may happen abroad, England will be free from interference. +It has been the policy of this great country for the last four years +to steer clear of all embarrassing international complications. The +other Great Powers are perfectly aware that, under no circumstances +whatever, will our Army and Fleet be employed in taking part in +the quarrels of our neighbours. The entire Cabinet are grieved at +questions so frequently put to them--questions that are not only +disquieting abroad, but a slur upon the intentions of men whose sole +duty is the safety and peace of the British Empire. + +1895. General European War--England in the midst of it! + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +BEFORE THE MECHANICAL MODELS. + +A SKETCH AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION. + + SCENE--_The Grounds. A string of Sightseers discovered passing + slowly in front of a row of glazed cases containing small + mechanical figures, which are set in motion in the usual + manner._ + +BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING A DYING CHILD. + +_A Gallant Swain_. That's the kid in bed, yer see. Like to see it die, +POLLY, eh? A penny does it. + +_Polly_ (_with a giggle_). Well, if it ain't _too_ 'arrowing. (_The +penny is dropped in, and the mechanical mother is instantly agitated +by the deepest maternal anxiety._) That's the mother kneeling by the +bed, I suppose--she do pray natural. There's the child waking up--see, +it's moving its 'ed. (_The little doll raises itself in bed, and then +falls back lifeless._) Ah, it's gone--look at the poor mother 'idin' +her face. + +_The G.S._ Well, it's all over. Come along and see something more +cheerful. + +_Polly_. Wait a bit--it isn't 'alf over yet. There's a angel got to +come and carry her away fust--there, the door's opening, that'll be +the angel come for it, I expect. (_Disappointed._) No, it's only +the doctor. (_A jerky and obviously incompetent little medical +practitioner puts his head in at the door, and on being motioned back +by the bereaved mother, retires with more delicacy than might have +been expected._) Well, he might ha' seen for himself if the child +_was_ dead! (_The back of the bed disappears, disclosing a well-known +picture of an angel flying upwards with a child._) I did think they'd +have a real angel, and not only a picture of one, and anyone can see +it's a different child--there's the child in bed just the same. I call +that a take-in! + +_The G.S._ I dunno what more you expect for a penny. + +_A Person on the Outskirts_ (_eagerly to Friend_). What happened? What +is it? I couldn't make it out over all the people's shoulders. + +_His Friend_. Dying child--not half bad either. You go and put in a +penny, and you'll see it well enough. + +_The P. on the O._ (_indignantly_). What, put in a penny for such +rubbish? Not me! + + [_He hangs about till someone else provides the necessary + coin._ + +_A Softhearted Female_. No, I couldn't stand there and look on. I +never _can_ bear them pathetic subjects. I felt just the same +with that picture of the Sick Child at the Academy, you know. +(_Meditatively._) And you don't have to put a penny in for _that_, +either. + +BEFORE ANOTHER BEDROOM SCENE REPRESENTING "THE DRUNKARD'S DELIRIUM." + +_First Woman_. That's 'im in bed, with the bottle in his 'and. He +likes to take his liquor comfortable, _he_ do. + +_Second Woman_. He's very neat and tidy, considering ain't he? I +wonder what his delirium is like. 'Ere, ROSY, come and put your penny +in as the gentleman give yer. (_ROSY, aged six, sacrifices her penny, +under protest._) Now, you look--you can't think what pretty things +you'll see. + + [_The little wooden drunkard sits up, applies the bottle to + his mouth, and sinks back contentedly; a demon, painted a + pleasing blue, rises slowly by his bed-side: the drunkard + takes a languid interest in him; the demon sinks._ + +_A Gentleman with a bloated complexion_ (_critically_). 'Ooever +did that--well, I dessay he's a very clever man, +but--(_compassionately_)--he don't know much about 'orrors, _he_ +don't! + +_A Facetious Friend. You_ could ha' told him a thing or two, eh, JIM? + +_The Bloated Gentleman_ (_contemptuously_). Well, if I never 'ad them +wuss than _that_! + + [_A small skeleton, in a shroud, looks in at the door._ + +_The F.F._ 'Ullo, 'ere's the King o' Terrors for yer! (_ROSY shows +signs of uneasiness; a blue demon comes out of a cupboard._) 'Ere's +another of 'em--quite a little party he's 'aving! + +_A Gentleman, in a white tie_ (_as the machinery stops_). Well, a +thing like this does more real good than many a temperance tract. + +_The Bloated G._ Yer right there, Guv'nor--it's bin a lesson to _me_, +I know that. 'Ere, will you come and 'ave a whiskey-sour along of me +and my friend 'ere'? + +BEFORE A MODEL REPRESENTING AN EXECUTION. + +_A Daughter_. But _why_ won't you 'put a penny into this one, Father? + +_The Father_ (_firmly_). Because I don't approve of Capital +Punishment, my dear. + +_A Cultivated Person_. An execution--"put a penny in; bell +tolls--gates open--scaffold shown with gallows. Executioner pulls +bolt--black flag"--dear, dear--most degrading, shocking taste! (_To +his Friend._) Oh, of course, I'll wait, if you want to see it--not got +a penny? Let me see--yes, _I_ can lend you one. (_He does; the penny +is put in--nothing happens._) Out of order, I suppose--scandalous! and +nobody to speak to about it--_most_ discreditable! Stop--what's +this? (_A sort of woolly beat is audible inside the prison; the C.P. +beams._) That's the bell tolling--it's all right, it's working! [_It +works._ + +_Another Spectator_. Very well done, that was--but they 'urried it +over a little too quick. I scarcely saw the man 'ung at all! + +_His Companion_. Put in another penny, and p'raps you'll see him cut +down, old chap. + +BEFORE THE FAIRY FORTUNE-TELLER'S GROTTO. + +_Susan Jane_ (_to her Soldier_.) Oh, ain't that pretty? I should like +to know what _my_ fortune is. [_She feels in her pocket._ + +_The Soldier_ (_who disapproves of useless expenditure_). Ain't you +put in enough bloomin' pennies? + +_Susan Jane_. This is the last. (_Reads Directions_.) Oh, you've got +to set the finger on the dial to the question you want answered, and +then put your penny in. What shall I ask her? + +_Soldier_. Anyone would think you meant to go by the answer, to hear +you talk! + +_Susan Jane_. P'raps I do. (_Coquettishly, as she sets the index to a +printed question._) Now, you mustn't look. I won't 'ave _you_ see what +I ask! + +_Soldier_ (_loftily_). _I_ don't want to look, I tell yer--it's +nothing to me. + +_Susan Jane_. But you _are_ looking--I saw you. [_A curious and deeply +interested crowd collects around them._ + +_Soldier_. Honour bright, I ain't seen nothing. Are you going to be +all night over this 'ere tomfoolery? + + [_SUSAN JANE puts in a penny, blushing and tittering; a faint + musical tinkle is heard from the case, and the little fairies + begin to revolve in a solemn and mystic fashion; growing + excitement of crowd. A pasteboard bower falls aside, revealing + a small disc on which a sentence is inscribed._ + +_Person in Crowd_ (_reading slowly over SUSAN JANE's shoulder_). +"Yus; 'e is treuly worthy of your love." + +_Crowd_ (_delighted_). That's worth a penny to know, _ain't_ it, Miss? +_Your_ mind's easy now! It's the soldier she was meanin'. Ah,_'e_ +ought to feel satisfied too, after that! &c., &c. [_Confusion of +SUSAN JANE._ + +_Soldier_ (_as he departs with S.J._). Well, yer know, there's +something _in_ these things, when all's said! + +IN DEPARTING. + +_A Pleased Pleasure-seeker_. Ah, that's something like, that is! I've +seen the 'Aunted Miser, and the Man with the 'Orrors, and a Execution, +and a Dyin' Child--they do make you _larf_, yer know! + +_Second P.P._ Yes, it's a pity the rest o'the Exhibition ain't more +the same style, to my thinking! + +_A Captious Critic_. Well, they don't seem to me to 'ave much to do +with anything _naval_. + +_His Companion_. Why, it comes under machinery, don't it? You're so +bloomin' particular, you are! Wouldn't touch a glass o' beer 'ere, +unless it was brewed with salt-water, I suppose! Well, come on, +then--there's a bar 'andy! + + [_They adjourn for refreshment._ + + * * * * * + +PROVERBS PRO OMNIBUS.--Directly the Chairman of the General Omnibus +Company observed that if the men's demands were conceded the fares +would have to be raised, there was a rush to be the first out with +the old proverb about Penny wise and Pound foolish. However, "In for a +penny" remains as heretofore, the _employés_ having successfully gone +"in for a Pound." Let them now "take care of the pence," and they may +feel well assured that this particular POUND will be able to take care +of himself. Well, farewell the tranquillity of the streets of last +week! Henceforth not "chaos," but "'Bus 'os," has come again! + + * * * * * + +NOLENS VOLENS. + +[Illustration] + +Dear MR. PUNCH,--I hear that some people are in a great state of mind +lest some blessed Bill brought in by the Government, should "destroy +Voluntary Schools." What howling bosh! Why, there _are no_ Voluntary +Schools! No, they're all Compulsory, confound 'em! or who'd attend +'em? Not Yours disgustedly, + +A HUMAN BOY. + + * * * * * + +MR. WELLER & CO., AND THE 'BUS STRIKE.--Mr. SUTHERST seems to occupy, +as towards the 'Bus-drivers, a similar position to that filled by the +eminent _Mr. Solomon Pell_, the general adviser, and man of business +to the Elder _Mr. Weller_, and his professional coaching brethren. It +is to be hoped that the _Solomon Pell_ of the 'Bus-drivers has been +treated as liberally as was the real _Mr. Pell_, the friend of the +LORD CHANCELLOR, by _Mr. Weller_ Senior, the Mottle-faced Man, and +others. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +The most interesting book, one of the Baron's Retainers ("blythe and +gay,") has read this year is, _The Life of Laurence Oliphant_. If it +were not written by a reputable person, and published by so eminently +respectable a house as BLACKWOOD's, there would be difficulty about +accepting it as a true story of the life of a man whom some of us +knew, as lately living in London, wearing a frock coat, and even a +tall hat of cylindrical shape. Such a mingling of shrewd business +qualities and March madness as met in LAURENCE OLIPHANT is surely a +new thing. A man of gentle birth, of high culture, of wide experience, +of supreme ability, and, strangest of all, with a keen sense of +humour--that such an one should voluntarily step down from high social +position at the bidding of a vulgar, selfish, self-seeking, and, +according to some hints dropped here and there, grossly immoral man, +should, at beck of his fat forefinger, go forth to a strange land +to live amid sordid circumstances, and with uncongenial company, to +work as a common, farm-labourer, to peddle strawberries at a railway +station, passes belief. With respect to Mr. HARRIS, one feels inclined +to quote _Betsy Prig's_ remark touching one who may, peradventure, +have been a maternal relation. "I don't believe," said _Betsy_, +"there's no sich a person." But there was, and, stranger still, +there was a LAURENCE OLIPHANT to bend the knee to him. Not the least +striking thing in a book of rare value is the manner in which Mrs. +OLIPHANT has acquitted herself in a peculiarly difficult task. No man +would have had the restraining patience necessary to deal with the +HARRIS episodes as she has done. + +The Assistant Reader has been refreshing himself with _Lapsus Calami_, +by J.K.S., published by MACMILLAN and BOWES. It is a booklet of light +verse, containing here and there some remarkably brilliant pieces +of satire and parody. The first of two parodies of ROBERT BROWNING +is unsurpassable for successful audacity. The last poem in the book +is "An Election Address," written for, but apparently not used by, +the present POSTMASTER-GENERAL, when he was Candidate for Cambridge +University, in 1882. He says of himself, after confessing to a dislike +for literature and science,-- + + "But I have fostered, guided, planned + Commercial enterprise; in me + Some ten or twelve directors, and + Six worthy chairmen you may see." + +All the pieces are not so good as those cited--that would be too much +to expect--but "get it," say + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +MORTUARY. + + ANDREW LANGUAGE--no, LANG!--who the classics is pat in, + Suggests to our writers, as test of their "style," + Just to turn their equivocal prose into Latin, + As DRYDEN did. Truly the plan makes one smile! + Reviewers find Novelists' nonsense much weary 'em. + Writers of twaddle + Take DRYDEN a model-- + Turn your books into some great "_dead_ language"--and _bury_ 'em! + + * * * * * + +WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN TOLD DOWN EAST; + +_OR, A MAUVAIS JEW D'ESPRIT._ + +Will you, if you please, point out to me the way to the streets which, +I am told, are paved with gold? + +Where shall I find the employer of labour who, I have been told, will +instantly get me occupation at a wage of 60 roubles the week? + +Dear me! in this, then, your "White Chapel"? I was told it was a +luxurious quarter, famous for its Palaces. + +Surely this horrid den is not one of your model work-rooms? I was told +that such things existed only in Russia! + +And are these people who are scowling at and cursing me your typical +working population? Why, I was told that I should find them dear +brothers, waiting to welcome us with open arms. + +And is this pittance you offer me all that you pay for making a coat? +I was told that it was quite twelve times as much as this. + +Ah! I'm afraid I have been told, and have given credit to, a great +many things to which I never should have listened at all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. + +_Lady Godiva de Rougepott_. "I DON'T THINK ANY PAINTING LOOKS WELL IN +THIS HORRID ELECTRIC LIGHT!" + +_Hostess_ (_nettled_). "DON'T YOU, DEAR? PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER TO +REMAIN IN THE DRAWING-ROOM, WHERE THE LAMPS AND SHADES ARE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION. + + "To the bi-monthly exhibition of the Royal Horticultural + Society the Marquis of SALISBURY sent a magnificent + collection--of strawberries especially. Mr. W.H. SMITH showed + specimens of the same luscious fruit, for which he received + the thanks of the Society."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +_Head-Gardener_ SM-TH _soliloquiseth_:-- + +OHO! my beauty! If _you_ don't get a fust prize, and "receive the +thanks of the Society" I'm a cowcumber! "The Fruits of Early Industry +and Economy." Title of a picture by that splendid sample of the +industrious and the economical, GEORGE MORLAND, I believe. Yes, that's +it. My Industry and G-SCH-N's Economy. + + We are a moral family; + We are, we are, we are! + +All the cardinal virtues bound in--ahem! no matter. + +Talk of the Gigantic Gooseberry! What is that apocryphal monstrosity +compared with this Brobdingnagian Berry? [_Sings._ + + Bravo, my "British Queen"! + Long live my "British Queen"! + Brave "British Queen"! + Send it victorious, + First-Prizer glorious, + Fill Rads censorious + With envious spleen! + +As you _will_, my Beauty! When did swaggering H-RC-RT's horticulture +produce such goodly fruits? Or sour-mug'd M-RL-Y's? Or leary L-BBY's? +Or Slawkenbergian M-ND-LLA's? Or even that of the Grand Old Grower, +GL-DST-NE himself, with all his fluent patter about British Pomona, +and the native Jam-pot? + +I know the badly-beaten lot maintain that the plant is a "Sport" from +an old purchase of their own. Bless you, they claim _all_ the good +stocks--always did. Who cares? My young floricultural friend, JOE +of Birmingham, who knows a bit about fruits as well as concerning +orchids, let me tell you,--JOE, I say, laughs their preposterous +pretensions to scorn. Look at G-SCH-N's own particular plant there--a +bit late, but very promising, and probably destined to take a prize +before the season's over. Didn't JOE recommend the stock to GL-DST-NE +years ago? And didn't the haughty Hawarden horticulturist turn up his +nose at it as an "Unauthorised" intruder upon his own Prize Programme? +And, more by token, didn't JOE get the hump in consequence, cut the +old connection, and set up on his own account in the forcing-house +line, with a friendly leaning to our firm? Aha! "_Hinc illæ +lachrymæ_," as the Guv'nor would say. Hence, also, this Colossal +Strawberry! + +Thanks of the Society? I should rayther think so! They may chaff +"OLD MORALITY" as much as they like--but morality _pays_, even in +strawberry-growing; and my duty to my (British) Queen has brought +about _this_ triumph. Early Industry started it, and careful +horticultural Economy brought it to its present pitch of perfection. +Look at it! Size, shape, sweetness, scent, all superb! If the Season +shouldn't produce another Prize-Winner, this alone ought to satisfy +SOLLY. And if G-SCH-N's seedling, "Gratis," _should_ turn out a +triumph later on, why we shall score tremendously. Wish G-SCH-N would +"sit up and snort" less, and smile more. Patience and plenty of sun! +That's the tip for a horticulturist. Standing at the door and shying +stones at your neighbour's glasshouses, won't make your own fruit +ripen, if GEORGE JOKIM could only see it. As H-RT D-KE says, _tu +quoques_ are a nuisance, and want fumigating off the face of the +earth. JOKIM and ARTHUR B-LF-R a bit too fond of 'em for _my_ fancy. +However, all the "you're anothers" on earth can't affect my Strawberry +now, thanks be! _The_ Fruit of the Season, though I say it who perhaps +shouldn't. + + (_Sings._) From "Greenlands" sunny garden, + And vista'd vitreous panes, + We mean to rival Hawarden, + In glories and in gains. + I have produced, Sweet WILL-I-AM, + This Giant Strawber-ry, + In horticultural skill I am + A match for W.G.! [_Left chortling._ + + * * * * * + +THE VERY LAST ON THE 'BUS STRIKE.--After the comparative quiet of last +week, the streets of London will now be as 'bussy as ever. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION. + +W.H. SM-TH (_Head Gardener and Prize Exhibitor_). "HAD TO NIP OFF A +LOT OF BLOOMS TO GET HIM UP TO THIS SIZE!!" + + "At the Bimonthly Exhibition of the Royal Horticultural + Society ... Mr. W.H. SMITH showed specimens of the same + luscious fruit"--strawberries--"for which he received the + thanks of the Society."--_Daily Telegraph_, Wednesday, June 10.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE. + +PORTRAIT OF A LITERARY FRIEND, WHO, LIVING IN A MAIN THOROUGHFARE, +WAS AN ARDENT SUPPORTER OF THE 'BUS STRIKE, SUBSCRIBED TO ITS FUNDS, +ADD HOPED IT MIGHT LONG CONTINUE. HE SAYS HE HASN'T HAD SUCH A QUIET +TIME WITH HIS BOOKS FOR YEARS. BUT ALAS! SINCE LAST SUNDAY HE HAS NOT +SMILED AGAIN.] + + * * * * * + +MRS. GINGHAM ON THE GREAT 'BUS QUESTION. + + "The demand for 'Buses is immensely stimulated by their + presence, and when they are no longer there, the people who + thought them indispensable get on very well indeed without + them.... Under the influence of penny fares, Londoners are + rapidly forgetting how to walk."--_The Times_. + + Ah! it's all very fine, my good Sir, whosomever you are as writes such, + But of decent poor folk and their needs it is plain as you do not know + much. + Which I ain't quite so young as I was, nor as light, nor as smart on my + feet, + And you may not know quite what it is to be out late o' night and dead + beat, + Out Islington way, arter ten, with a bundle, a child, and a cage, + As canaries is skeery at night, and a seven mile walk, at my age, + All along of no 'Bus to be had, love or money, and cabs that there dear, + And a stitch in my side and short breath, ain't as nice as you + fancy,--no fear! + Likeways look at my JOHN every morning, ah! rain, hail or shine, up to + town, + With no trams running handy, and corns! As I sez to my friend Mrs. BROWN, + Bless the 'Buses, I sez, they're a boon to poor souls, as must travel + at times, + And we can't _all_ keep kerridges neither, wus luck! Penny Fares ain't + no crimes, + If you arsk me, as did ought to know. Which my feelings I own it does rouge + To hear big-wigs a-sneering at 'Buses. There may be a bit of a scrouge, + And the smell of damp straw mixed with pep'mint ain't nice to a dalicot + nose, + Likeways neat "Oh be Joyful's" a thing as with orange and snuff hardly + goes. + But we ain't all rekerky nor rich, we can't all afford sixpence a mile, + And when we are old, late, and tired, or it's wet, we can't think about + _style_. + The 'Bus is the poor body's kerridge, young feller--and as for your talk + About not never missing a lift, or forgetting--dear sakes!--_how_ to walk, + And the nice quiet streets and all that; why it's clear _you_ ain't been + a poor clerk + With a precious small "screw," in wet weather. Ah! you wouldn't find it + no lark + With thin boots and a 'ard 'acking cough, and three mile every day to and + thro', + Or a puffy old woman like me, out at Witsuntide wisiting JOE, + (My young son in the greengrocer line); or a governess, peaky and pale, + As has just overslep herself slightly, and can't git by cab or by rail. + "Ugly lumbering wehicles?" Ah! and we're ugly and lumbering too, + A lot of us poor Penny 'Bus fares, as isn't high-born or true-blue. + But the 'Bus is our help. Wery like some do ride as had far better walk, + Whether tip-toppy swells or poor shop-girls. But all that is trumpery talk. + What I arsk is, why shouldn't the 'Buses be kept a bit reglar, like Cabs, + In the matter of fares and of distances? Oh, a old woman it crabs + To hear of Perprietors pinching pore fellers as drive or conduck, + While the "Pirates" play up merry mag with the poor helpless fare, as gets + stuck + Betwixt Dividend-grinders and Strikers? It ought to be altered, _I_ say. + Whilst they talk of what 'Bus-folk should earn, they forget the pore + Publick--who _pay_! + + * * * * * + +LE PRINCE S'AMUSE. + +_AN APOLOGETIC IDYL._ + + My life is held to be a round of Pleasures; + All I can say is, they who thus would rate it, + For life's delights have most peculiar measures: + For though in plainest English they don't state it, + 'Tis clear "no recreation" meets their views, + Or why that sneering cry, "_Le Prince s'amuse?_" + + Or do they think a Prince, without repining, + Foundation-stones unceasingly is laying, + Rewarded with a glut of public dining, + The pangs of hunger ever to be staying, + Is recreation such as he would choose? + If so--I understand "_Le Prince s'amuse!_" + + But how a world that notes his daily doings, + The everlasting round of weary function,-- + The health-returnings, speeches, interviewings. + Can grudge him some relief, without compunction, + Seems quite to me "another pair of shoes!" + Dyspeptic is that cry, "_Le Prince s'amuse!_" + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN BRIGAND. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM THE ADVENTURES OF A RANSOMED PRISONER._) + +I must confess I was agreeably surprised at the treatment to which I +was subjected by my capturers. Instead of being loaded with chains +and confined in a cell beneath the castle's moat, I was given perfect +liberty, and had quite a pleasant suite of rooms. I should scarcely +have known that I was in durance had not one of the less refined of +the brigands shown me a revolver, and playfully informed me that its +contents were intended for me if I attempted to escape. The Chief was +absolutely charming. He treated me in the most courteous manner, and +ended his first interview with me by requesting "the honour of my +company at dinner." + +"You need not dress!" he observed, "although I like to put on a +tail-coat myself. But I know that you have had some difficulty with +my people about your luggage, and so I shall be only too delighted to +excuse _grande tenue_." + +The "difficulty" to which my host referred was the seizing of my +portmanteau by the gang of thieves of which he was the acknowledged +head. I suggested that I might possibly recover some of its contents. + +"I am afraid not," returned the Chieftain. "You see my people are very +methodical, and by this time I fear all the goods will have been sold. +The motto of the Club is 'small profits and quick returns.' We find no +difficulty in trading. As we carry on business on the most economical +principles, we can quote prices even cheaper than the Stores." + +And this I found to be the case. Although the brigands were very civil +to me, I was unable to trace any of my property. However, as my host +in the kindest manner had allowed me to dispense with ceremony, I +ventured to appear at dinner-time in my ordinary tourist's dress. + +"I am delighted to see you," said the Chief, speaking English for +the first time, "as you are now my guest, I must confess that we are +fellow countrymen." + +"Indeed!" I replied, considerably astonished. "If you are really of +British nationality, how is it that I find you a professional thief?" + +"You are mistaken," returned the Chief. "I merely belong to a society +for the redistribution of capital. You know we are all balloted for, +and I was myself afraid that I might get pilled." + +"Indeed!" I exclaimed, in a tone of surprise. "Surely your +accomplishments--for I noticed, on my arrival, that you were a +first-rate hand at lawn tennis, and played the flute--would have +secured your admission?" + +"Well," he returned with a smile, "I fancy they helped me with the +Committee. But unhappily my antecedents were bad--I had made a +fortune on the London Stock Exchange, and my books were scarcely as +satisfactory as our bandit auditors could have desired them to be. +However they took a kindly view of the case, and allowed me to pass +through. But pardon me, I see your ransom has arrived. I am afraid I +must say good bye. A pleasant journey." + +And shaking me warmly by the hand, he helped me into the conveyance +that was to take me back to home and freedom. I have never seen him +since. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.--HARTINGTONIANA.] + + * * * * * + +A COY COLOSSUS. + +PARIS, _June 15_.--It is stated here, on no authority whatever, that +when the CZAR was recently visiting the French Exhibition at Moscow, +his Imperial Majesty was heard to remark, "This makes me desire to see +the Boulevards again." A visit of the ruler of Russia to Paris during +the Summer is therefore considered to be certain. An offensive and +defensive Alliance between the two countries is said to be on the +point of signature. + +A few evenings ago, in a low _café_ in Belleville, M. NOKASHIKOFF, who +left St. Petersburg lately to escape his creditors, and who conceived +the happy idea of raising a little money by walking to Paris in a sack +composed of the French and Russian national flags stitched together, +was entertained to supper by his Gallic admirers. The proceedings, +especially towards midnight, were very enthusiastic. Throughout the +festivities, constant cries of "_Vive l'Alliance Franco-Russe!_" were +raised. This incident is said to have placed the immediate signature +of the Treaty between the CZAR and President CARNOT beyond a doubt. + +Last evening a foreigner, who by appearance would have been taken for +a Muscovite, was walking along the asphalte, when he was surrounded +by a crowd of persons crying "_Vive la Russie!_" The foreigner seemed +both surprised and annoyed by these attentions, and at length began to +use his fists and his boots liberally on the ringleaders of the mob. +This treatment, however, seemed only to increase their Russophil +ardour, and the stranger was soon hoisted on to the shoulders of some +of his foremost admirers, struggling violently. On the arrival of a +gendarme, he explained that he was an English book-maker, and that +"this bloomin' mob of boot-lickers had taken him for a bloomin' +Russian!" The crowd shortly afterwards dispersed. The completion +of the formal alliance between France and Russia is considered less +certain than it was a few days ago. + +The Frenchman, M. TÊTE-BOIS, who recently attempted to walk on his +head from Paris to Moscow, in order to show the sympathy felt in +France for the Muscovite Empire, did not succeed in carrying out his +design. He was stopped shortly after crossing the Russian frontier, +imprisoned, and heavily ironed. After suffering in this way for +a week, he was told that he must leave Russian territory within +twenty-four hours, or else continue his journey to Siberia. On being +appealed to, the CZAR graciously extended the time given for quitting +Russia to forty-eight hours. This Imperial clemency has caused the +widest feeling of gratitude and satisfaction in France, and the +signature of the definitive Alliance between the two countries is +confidently expected at an exceedingly early date. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. + +(_Dedicated to Lord Chief Justice Coleridge._) + +"THE LORD ARCHBISHOP OF NOVA SCOTIA, PRELATE OF THE ORDER OF THE SUN," +CAUGHT CHEATING AT CARDS (HYPOTHETICALLY) BY THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, +AND TAKEN, INSTANTANEOUSLY, BY OUR ARTIST.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, June 8_.--I knew DYKE first when +(good many years ago now) as DIZZY's whip he hunted in couple with +ROWLAND WINN; then always called HART DYKE. Like many other young men +he has in interval lost his HART, and now known as Sir WILLIAM DYKE. +Curious thing, as SARK reminds me, how absorbent is the name of +WILLIAM. Quite probable that before _Black-Eyed Susan's_ friend came +prominently on the stage he had some other Christian name, sunk when +he was promoted to shadow of yard-arm. Certainly there is an equally +eminent man sitting opposite DYKE in House to-night, who like him is +"Sir WILLIAM" to the present generation, and was VERNON HARCOURT to an +elder one. + +DYKE, under whatever name, done excellently well to-night. Holding +comparatively minor appointment in Ministry, suddenly finds himself +in charge of principal measure of Session. Handicapped, moreover, with +recollections of time when he has uncompromisingly declared himself +against the very principle he now embodies in Bill, and invites House +to add to Statute Book. + +That was first hedge for DYKE to take, and he went over in plucky +style that threw the scorner off his trail. Didn't live in close +communication with DIZZY through six long years for nothing. Not +likely to forget what happened in very earliest days of Parliament +of 1874, when DIZZY for first time found himself not only in office +but in power. During election campaign DIZZY, speaking in the safety +of Buckinghamshire, had made some wild statement about easing the +chains of Ireland. Simply designed to gain Irish vote; forgotten as +soon as spoken. But ROBERT MONTAGU--where, by the way, is ROBERT +MONTAGU?--treasured these things up in his heart, and when DIZZY +appeared in the House, Leader of triumphant majority, asked him what +he was going to do about it? + +"It is sometime since the observations referred to were made," said +DIZZY, "and--er--a good deal has happened in the interval." + +DYKE, recalling and admitting his former statements on Free +Education, did not attempt to minimise their import. "But." he said, +button-holing House as it were, and treating it quite confidentially, +"the fact is we all change our minds." House laughed at this as it +had laughed at DIZZY seventeen years ago, and DYKE, absolved and +encouraged, went forward with his speech. + +Not a brilliant oration in any way; neither exordium nor peroration, +and the middle occasionally a little mixed. But a good sensible +straightforward speech, and if DYKE had done no more than show that +an important Ministerial measure could be explained within limit of an +hour, he would not have lived in vain. + +_Business done._--Education Bill introduced. + +_Tuesday_.--Nothing at first sight in personal appearance of HERBERT +THOMAS KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN that suggests a swan. Fancy I have heard +something of these birds being addicted to the habit of breaking +forth into song when convinced of approaching dissolution. That, I +suppose, is how the swan was suggested to the mind when just now, +KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN rose from behind Ministers, and began to chant his +threnody. Resolution on which Education Bill grafted brought up for +report stage; agreed to, and HART DYKE about to bring in his Bill. +Then from the back seat rose a sturdy yeoman figure, and a powerful +voice was uplifted in denunciation of the Bill and of a Ministry that +had betrayed the trust of the Conservative Party. It was, so the swan +sang, a step on the road to Socialism. He feared it had come to pass +that dangerous measures are more likely to emanate from the Treasury +Bench than from the Front Bench opposite. + +Liberals roared with delighted laughter and cheers; the Conservatives +sat glum and ill-at-ease. OLD MORALITY's white teeth gleamed with a +spasmodic smile. As for JOKIM he folded his arms, and bit his lips and +frowned. + +"What antiquated nonsense this is!" he muttered, "of course Free +Education is not a Conservative principle. They all protested against +it at the General Election. A year earlier I, who happened at the +time to be numbered in the Liberal ranks, put my back against the +wall, and, picturing the evils that would befall my country if its +institutions were thus demoralised, I said I would die before I would +lend a hand to free the schools. But you see, TOBY, _I haven't died_, +and that changes the whole situation. Not only enables me to retain +my place in Government bringing in Free Education, but permits +me, as CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, actually to find the means +for carrying out the system. Can't understand a fellow like this +KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN sticking to his principles when it becomes +expedient to swallow them. He's a disgrace to a family that counts +BRABOURNE as its head." + +[Illustration: "A Progressive Conservative." (_Vide Dod._)] + +"HUGESSEN's a good fellow," said ISAACSON; "wears well, but is +politically a fossil. Now _I'm_ a progressive Conservative, which I +think you'll find, TOBY, my boy, to be about the time of day." + +_Business done_.--Assisted Education Bill; firmly led up to table by +HART DYKE. + +_Wednesday_.--Lively fight round Deceased Wife's Sister Bill. Ascot +in vain held forth its attractions; supporters of the Bill hoped +opponents would go; opponents came down rather expecting HENEAGE's +virtue would have given way, and Ascot would have claimed him as its +own. But everybody there--MAKINS's men with long list of Amendments +warranted to keep things going till half-past five, when progress +must be reported, and chance of Bill for present Session lost. MAKINS +himself in high oratorical feather. OSBORNE-AP-MORGAN, having made a +proposition and subsequently withdrawn it, MAKINS, putting on severest +judicial aspect, observed, "It is all very well for the Right Hon. +and learned Gentleman to make a legal JONAH of himself and swallow his +opinions." + +"Bless us all!" cried ROWNTREE, looking on with blank amazement, +"MAKINS evidently thinks that JONAH swallowed the whale." Bill +seemed to shatter friendships and dissever old alliances. SQUIRE of +MALWOOD naturally at home in the fray, but rather startling to find +HOME SECRETARY running amuck at CHAMBERLAIN. MATTHEWS in his most +hoity-toity mood; quivered with indignation; thumped the table; shook +a forensic forefinger at the undesignedly offending JOSEPH, and, +generally, went on the rampage. As for HENEAGE, he filled up any +little pause in uproar by diving in and moving the Closure. Once, +whilst GEDGE was opposing an Amendment hostile to Bill, HENEAGE dashed +in with his Closure motion. GEDGE's face a study; mingled surprise, +indignation, and ineffable regret mantled his mobile front. + +[Illustration: "Bless us all!"] + +"To think," he said afterwards, "that just when I was coming to +HENEAGE's help with an argument founded on profound study and pointed +with legal lore, he should suddenly jump up, lower his head, and, as +it were, butt me in the stomach with the Closure. It is more than I +can at the moment comprehend." + +GEDGE so flurried that when Members returned, after Division on +Closure, he being, in accordance with the rule, seated and wearing his +hat, wanted to argue out the question with COURTNEY. + +"I submit, Sir," he said, "that the Hon. Member, in moving the +Closure, controverted Rule 186." + +The Chairman: "I think the Hon. Member can scarcely have read the +Rule." + +Mr. GEDGE: "I have read the Rule, Sir. This is what it says--" + +Chairman: "Order! Order!" and GEDGE subsided. + +Then TOMLINSON fortuitously turning up on Treasury Bench, joined in +conversation. But COURTNEY turned upon him with such a thunderous +cry of "Order! Order!" that TOMLINSON visibly shrivelled up, and his +sentence, like the unfinished window in ALLADIN's Tower, unfinished +must remain. + +Wrangling went on till a quarter past five, when TALBOT interposed, +and with most funereal manner moved to report progress. HENEAGE almost +mechanically lowered his head and had started to butt at TALBOT as +he had upset GEDGE when he was providentially stopped and convinced +that further struggle with obstruction was hopeless. So, Clause I. +agreed to, Bill talked out. MAKINS, growing increasingly delightful, +protested that a Bill that had been fifty years before the country, +was not to be rushed through the House on a Wednesday afternoon. +_Argal_, the more familiar the House is with the details of a measure, +the more necessary is it to debate it. + +_Business done_.--Marriage with a Deceased Wife's Sister. Banns again +objected to. + +_Saturday_, 1:25 A M.--Land Bill just through report stage. Nothing +left now but Third Reading. "Well, KNOX," said WINDBAG SEXTON, "that +will be our last opportunity, and we must make the most of it. In +meantime I think we've done pretty well. I'm especially pleased with +you. You're a boy of great promise. If anything happened to me--a +stray tack in the bench, or a pin maliciously directed, and the +wind-bag were to collapse--you'd do capitally, till I got it +repaired." + +WINDBAG JUNIOR blushed. As OLD MORALITY remarks, Ingenuous youth +delights in the Approbation of Seasoned Seniority. + +_Business done_.--Land at last--I mean Land Purchase Bill through at +last. + + * * * * * + +THE GENERAL OF THE FUTURE. + + SCENE--_Tent in rear of a Battle-field. Political Officer in + attendance upon Army, waiting for Military assistance._ + +_Political Officer_ (_impatiently_). Now then, Orderly, have you not +been able to secure a General for me? + +_Orderly_ (_saluting_). Beg pardon, Sir, but it's so difficult, since +they have passed that new Royal Warrant, to know which is which. + +_Pol. Off._ (_more impatiently_). Nonsense!--any General Officer will +do. _Ord_. Very good, Sir. + + [_Exit. Political Officer stamps his foot irritably, when + enter First General Officer, hurriedly._ + +_First Gen. Off._ Well, Sir, how can I assist you? + +_Pol. Off._ (_cordially_). Glad to see you, General. Fact is, +supposing we arrange a treaty, do you think it would be wise to +surrender the fortress on the right side of the river, if we retain +the redoubt near the wood as a basis of operations? You see-- + +_First Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Very sorry, but don't know +anything about it. + +_Pol. Off._ (_annoyed_). But aren't you a General? + +_First Gen. Off._ Certainly. General-Surgeon. Ta, ta! [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ Well of all the--(_Enter Second Gen. Off._) Well, Sir, +what is it? Who are you? + +_Second Gen. Off._ I am a General Officer, and I was told you required +my poor services. + +_Pol. Off._ So I do. The fact is, General, supposing we arrange a +treaty, do you think it wise for us to surrender the fortress-- + +_Second Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Alas! my dear friend, I fear I +can be of no help to you--it is entirely out of my line. + +_Pol. Off._ (_annoyed_). But aren't you a General? + +_Second Gen. Off._ Certainly. A General-Chaplain. Farewell, dear +friend. [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ Well of all the--(_Enter Third General Officer._) Well, +Sir, who and what are you? + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_briskly_). A General. Now then, look sharp! No +time to lose. Hear you require me. How can I help you? + +_Pol. Off._ (_aside_). Ah, this is the sort of man I want! (_Aloud._) +Well then, General, we are arranging a treaty, and I want your advice +about retaining a fortress on the right of the river-- + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Sorry. Can't help! Not my +province. Good bye! [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ (_shouting after him_). But aren't you a General? + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_voice heard in the distance_.) Yes. +General-Postman! + + [_Scene closes in upon political official language unfit for + publication._ + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL NOTES.--_Saturday Afternoon_.--Albert Hall jubilant. M. +PLANCON or PLANÇON--the production of the "c" depending on the state +of his voice--was encored and "obliged again." So did Madame ALBANI, +who was in superb voice. But her accompanist, M. CARRODUS, who had +given us one violin _obbligato_, did _not_ obbligato again, and so +Madame sang, admirably of course, the ever-welcome "_Home, Sweet +Home_." GIULIA RAVOGLI gave her great _Orphéo_ song, and DRURIOLANUS, +practising courtly attitudes, as one preparing to receive a German +Emperor, smole beamingly on the gratified audience. At The Garden, +_Mireille_, revived on Wednesday last, hasn't much life in her, but +Miss EAMES charming. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, June 20, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13422-8.txt or 13422-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/4/2/13422/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, June 20, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 10, 2004 [EBook #13422] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 20, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page289" + id="page289"></a>[pg 289]</span> + + <h2>ON THE RIVER.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/289.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/289.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A light canoe, a box of cigarettes,</p> + + <p class="i8">Sunshine and shade;</p> + + <p>A conscience free from love or money debts</p> + + <p class="i8">To man or maid;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A book of verses, tender, quaint, or gay,</p> + + <p class="i8">DOBSON or LANG;</p> + + <p>Trim yew-girt gardens, echoing the day</p> + + <p class="i8">When HERRICK sang;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Thames-side Inn, a salad, and some fruit,</p> + + <p class="i8">Beaune or Hochheimer;—</p> + + <p>Are simple joys, but admirably suit</p> + + <p class="i8">An idle rhymer.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A 'BUS 'OSS'S MEMS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Kept during a recent Social Crisis.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Saturday, June 6</i>, 11 P.M.—Home after our last + turn. Fancy from several drinks had on the way, and the pace we + had to put into that last mile and a half, that something's up. + Turned into stall nice and comfortable, as usual.</p> + + <p><i>Sunday.</i>—Something is up with a vengeance. + Hoorooh! We're on strike. I don't know the rights of it, nor + don't care, as long as I have my bit of straw to roll in, and a + good feed twice a day. I wonder, by the way, if the fellow who + looks after my oats is "off." Past feeding time. Feel uneasy + about it. Hang it all, I would rather work for <i>my</i> + living, than be tied up here doing nothing without a feed! Ha! + here he is, thank goodness, at last. However, better late than + never. Capital fun this strike.</p> + + <p><i>Monday.</i>—Am sent out in a loyal omnibus. Hooted + at and frightened with brickbats. Felt half inclined to shy. + Halloa! what's this? Hit on the ribs with a paving-stone. Come, + I won't stand this. Kick and back the 'bus on to the pavement. + All the windows smashed by Company's men. Passengers get out. + Somebody cuts the traces, and I allow myself to be led back to + the stables. Don't care about this sort of fun. However, feed + all right.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Hear that the men want thirteen and + sixpence a day and a seven hours' turn. Directors offer five + and sixpence, and make the minimum seventeen hours. Go it, my + hearties! Fight away! Who cares? You must feed <i>me</i>, + that's quite certain. Still I don't care about being cooped up + here all day. Nasty feeling of puffiness about the knees. Hang + the strike!</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Puffiness worse. Vet. looks in and + says I want exercise. Take a bolus and am walked for half an + hour or so up and down some back-streets. Bless + them!—that ain't no good.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—Puffiness worse, of course. Bother it + all, being shut up here! What wouldn't I give just for a sight + of dear old Piccadilly! The fact is, if they don't soon let me + have my run from King's Cross to Putney, I shall "bust + up"—and that's a fact. I feel it.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—Ah, they may well come to terms! + Another day of this, and I believe I should have been off the + hooks "for ever and for aye." It's all very well for Capital + and Labour to get at loggerheads, but, as DUCROW said, they + must cut all their disputes short if they wish to save anything + of their business, and look sharp, and "come to the + 'osses."</p> + + <p><i>Saturday, 13th</i>.—Strike over! We shall have to + be in harness again on Monday, and not a day too soon, in the + interests of the men, the Directors, the Public; and, last, but + by no means least, specially that of "the 'osses."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN MEMORIAM.</h2> + + <h3>"OLD TO-MORROW."</h3> + + <h4>THE RIGHT HON. SIR JOHN ALEXANDER MACDONALD, LATE PREMIER + OF CANADA.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Punch sympathises with Canadian sorrow</p> + + <p>For him known lovingly as "OLD TOMORROW."</p> + + <p>Hail to "the Chieftain!" He lies mute to-day,</p> + + <p>But Fame still speaks for him, and shall for + aye.</p> + + <p>"To-morrow—and to-morrow!" SHAKSPEARE + sighs.</p> + + <p>So runs the round of time! Man lives and dies.</p> + + <p>But death comes not with mere surcease of breath</p> + + <p>To such as him. "The road to dusty death"</p> + + <p>Not "all his yesterdays." have lighted. Nay!</p> + + <p>Canada's "OLD TO-MORROW" lives to-day</p> + + <p>In unforgetting hearts, and nothing fears</p> + + <p>The long to-morrow of the coming years.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Billsbury, Wednesday, May 28th</i>.—Great doings + here to-day. For weeks past all the Conservative Ladies of + Billsbury have been hard at work, knitting, sewing, painting, + embroidering, patching, quilting, crocheting, and Heaven knows + what besides, for the Bazaar in aid of the Conservative Young + Men's Club and Coffee-Room Sustentation Fund. You couldn't call + at any house in Billsbury without being nearly smothered in + heaps of fancy-work of every kind. When I was at the PENFOLDS' + on Monday afternoon, the drawing-room was simply littered with + bonnets and hats, none of them much larger than a crown piece, + which Miss PENFOLD had been constructing. She tried several of + them on, in order to get my opinion as to their merits. She + looked very pretty in one of them, a cunning arrangement of + forget-me-nots and tiny scraps of pink ribbon. Mother promised + some time ago to open the Bazaar, though she assured me she had + never done such a thing before, and added that I must be sure + to see that the doors moved easily, as new doors were so apt to + stick, and she didn't know what she should do if she had to + struggle over the opening. I comforted her by telling her she + would only have to say a few brief words on a platform, + declaring the Bazaar open. For the last week I have had a + letter from her by absolutely every post, sending draft + speeches for my approval. After much consideration I selected + one of these, which I returned to her. I heard from home that + she was very busily occupied for some time in learning it by + heart. When cook came for orders in the morning, she was forced + to listen while Mother said over the speech to her. Cook was + good enough to express a high opinion of its beauties.</p> + + <p>Yesterday evening Mother arrived, with the usual enormous + amount of luggage, including the inevitable <i>Carlo</i>. After + dinner I heard her repeat the speech, which went off very well. + This is it:—"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so pleased to be + here to-day, and to have the opportunity of helping the dear + Conservative cause in Billsbury. I am sure you are all so + anxious to buy as many of these lovely things as you can, and I + therefore lose no time in declaring the Bazaar open." Simple, + but efficient.</p> + + <p>The opening to-day was fixed for 2:30, the Bazaar being held + in the large room of the Assembly Rooms, which had been + arranged to represent an Old English Village. At one o'clock + Colonel and Mrs. CHORKLE, Alderman and Mrs. TOLLAND, and one or + two others, lunched with us, and afterwards we all drove off + together in a procession of carriages. I insisted on + <i>Carlo</i> being left behind, locked up in Mother's bed-room, + with a dish of bones to comfort him, and an old dress of + Mother's to lie on. That old dress has been devoted to + <i>Carlo</i> for the last two years, and no amount of + persuasion will induce <i>Carlo</i> to take another instead. We + tried him with a much better one a short time ago, but he was + furious, tore it to ribbons and refused his food until his old + disreputable dress had been restored to him.</p> + + <p>The Bazaar proceedings began with a short prayer delivered + by the Bishop of BRITISH GUIANA, an old Billsbury + Grammar-School boy, who was appointed to the bishopric a month + ago. Everybody is making a tremendous fuss about him here of + course. As soon as the prayer was over, Colonel CHORKLE rose + and made what he would call one of his "'appiest hefforts." The + influence of lovely woman, Conservative principles, devotion to + the Throne, the interests of the Conservative Young Men's + Sustentation Fund, all mixed up together like a hasty pudding. + Then came the moment for Mother. First, however, WILLIAMINA + HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE had to be removed outside for causing a + disturbance. Her father's speech so deeply affected this + intelligent infant, who had come under the protection of her + nurse, that she burst out into a loud yell and refused to be + comforted. The Colonel's face was a study—a mixture of + drum-head Courts-martial and Gatling guns. Mother got through + with her little speech all right. As a matter of fact she read + it straight off a sheet of paper, having finally decided that + her memory was too treacherous. We both set to work and bought + an incredible amount of things. After half an hour I found + myself in possession of six bonnets made by Miss PENFOLD, three + knitted waistcoats, four hand-painted screens, two tea-tables + also hand-painted, a lady's work-basket, three fancy shawls, a + set of glass studs and a double perambulator, which I won in a + raffle. Mother got three dog-collars, a set of shaving + materials (won in a raffle), two writing cases, five fans, two + pictures by a local artist, four paper-knives, two carved + cigar-boxes, a set of tea things, and five worked + table-covers.</p> + + <p>When we got back, we found that <i>Carlo</i> had nearly + gnawed his way through the bed-room door, and was growling + horribly at the boots and the chambermaid through the keyhole. + Charming dog!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Simian Talk.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Professor GARNERS, in the <i>New Review</i></p> + + <p>Tells us that "Apes can talk." <i>That's</i> nothing + new;</p> + + <p>Reading much "Simian" literary rot,</p> + + <p>One only wishes that our "Apes" could + <i>not</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page290" + id="page290"></a>[pg 290]</span> + + <h2>THE NEW TALE OF A TUB; OR, THE NOT-AT-HOME SECRETARY AND + THE LAUNDRESSES.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/290.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/290.png" + alt="'CAN'T SEE YOU NOW, I'M WASHING—MYSELF.'" /> + </a> "CAN'T SEE YOU NOW, I'M WASHING—MYSELF." + + <p>"The Women are crying out for the protection of the + Factory Acts, which has hitherto been denied them, and + which the Home Secretary declines to pledge the Government + to support."—<i>Daily Telegraph, Friday, June + 12th.</i></p> + </div> + + <p><i>London Laundry-woman, to her Tub-mate, + loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They tell us the Tub is humanity's friend, and that + Cleanliness is of closest kin</p> + + <p>To all things good. By the newest gospel 'tis held + that Dirt is the friend of Sin.</p> + + <p>Well, I'm not so sure that the world's far wrong in + that Worship of Washing that's all the rage;</p> + + <p>But we, its priestesses, sure might claim a cleanly + life and a decent + wage!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page291" + id="page291"></a>[pg 291]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Listen, BET, from your comfortless seat on the + turned-up pail,—if you've got the time;</p> + + <p>Isn't it queer that Society's cleansers must pass + their lives amidst muck and grime?</p> + + <p>Spotless flannels no doubt are nice—and snowy + linen is "swell" and sweet,</p> + + <p>But steaming reek is around our heads, and trickling + foulness about our feet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If the dainty ladies whose linen we lave, we + laundress drudges, could look in <i>here</i>,</p> + + <p>Wouldn't their feet shrink back with sickness, and + wouldn't their faces go pale with fear?</p> + + <p>White, well-ironed, all sheen and sweetness, that + linen looks when it leaves our hands;</p> + + <p>But they little think of the sodden squalor that + marks the den where the laundress stands.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scrub, scrub, scrub, at the reeking tub, for + eighteen hours at a stretch, perchance,</p> + + <p>Till our bowed backs ache, and our knuckles smart, + and the lights through the steam like spectres + dance;</p> + + <p>Ankle-deep in the watery sludge, where the tile is + loose or the drainage blocked!</p> + + <p>Oh, I haven't a doubt that the dainty dames—if + they only knew!—would be sorely shocked.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Typhoid! Terribly menacing word, the whisper of + which would destroy our trade;</p> + + <p>But dirt, and damp, and defective drainage will + raise that ghost on a world afraid;</p> + + <p>And at thirty years our strength is sapped by + insidious siege of the stifling fume,</p> + + <p>Or what if we linger a little longer? Scant rays of + comfort such life illume.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Grievances, BET? Well, I make no doubt that the + world of idlers is sorely sick</p> + + <p>Of the moans and groans of the likes of us. When the + whip, the needle, the spade, the pick,</p> + + <p>Are all on strike for a higher wage, 'tis a worry, + of course, to the well-to-do,</p> + + <p>And a sleek Home-Sec, must "decline to pledge" + support official to me and you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of course, of course! Who are we, my dear, to bother + the big-wigs and stir their bile?</p> + + <p>Why, it's all along of our "discontent," and the + Agitator's insidious guile.</p> + + <p>But Labour, BET, is agog just now to revise the old + one-sided pacts,</p> + + <p>And even a Laundress may have an eye to the benefit + of the Factory Acts.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Those bad, bad 'Busmen, BET my girl, claim shorter + hours, and a longer pay;</p> + + <p>Just think of such for the Slaves of the Tub! Why + should we women not have our say</p> + + <p>In the Park o' Sunday, like DAN the Docker, or TOM + the Tailor, or WILL the "Whip"?</p> + + <p>The Tub and the Ironing-board appear to have got a + chance—which they mustn't let slip:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An Object Lesson in Laundress Labour, may move the + callous and shame the quiz.</p> + + <p>We dream of "Washing as well it might be"; we'll + show them "Washing as now it is."</p> + + <p><i>We</i> know it, BET, in the sodden wet and the + choking fume; with the aching back,</p> + + <p>The long, long hours, and the typhoid taint, the + inverted pail and the hurried snack.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There may—who knows?—be hope for us yet, + for you and me, BET! Just think o' that!</p> + + <p>Oh, I know it is hard to believe it, my girl. The + Sweater's strong, and appeal falls flat</p> + + <p>On official ears; and fine-lady fears, and household + hurry against us go;</p> + + <p>But "evil is wrought by want of thought." says some + poet, I think;—so we'll let them <i>know</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! snowy sheets and sweet lavender scent of the + dear old days in my village home!</p> + + <p>The breadths of linen a-bleach on the grass! How + little I thought that to this I'd come</p> + + <p>Grand ladies of old to their laundry looked, and the + tubs were white, and the presses fair;</p> + + <p>Now we cleansers clean in the midst of dirt, in a + dank, dark den, with a noisome air.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sometimes I dream till the clouds of steam take the + shadowy form of a spectral thing,</p> + + <p>A tyrant terror that threatens our lives, whilst we + rub and scrub, whilst we rinse and wring.</p> + + <p>Well, cheer up, BET, girl, stiffen your lip, and + straighten your back. You have finished your grub,</p> + + <p>So to work once more; if our champions score, we + <i>may</i> find a new end to this Tale of a Tub!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/291.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/291.png" + alt="A CURE FOR INFLUENZA." /></a> + + <h3>A CURE FOR INFLUENZA.</h3><i>Major O'Gourmand.</i> + "SURE, ME DOCTHOR SAID A GLASS OR TWO OF DRY CHAMPAGNE'LL + DO ME GOOD! BEGORRAH, THE BOTTLE'S DRY ENOUGH BY THIS + TIME!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>STRIKING INTELLIGENCE.—A Page from a Londoner's + Diary.</h3> + + <p><i>Sunday</i>.—Can scarcely believe the news! What, no + omnibuses! A strike! What <i>shall</i> we do? Fortunately + always go to church on foot, so no loss in that. Then + subsequent parade in the Park—don't require an omnibus + for that, either. At the end of the day, can say that, take one + thing with another, state of affairs more comfortable than + might have been anticipated.</p> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Dreaded continuance of strike, but + found, practically, little inconvenience. Had to walk to the + office, and enjoyed the promenade immensely. Had no idea that a + stroll along the Embankment was so delightful. After all, one + can exist without omnibuses—at least, for a time.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Find that people who were at their + wits' end at the mere suggestion of a strike, are becoming + reconciled to the situation. Streets certainly pleasanter + without the omnibuses. Great, lumbering conveyances, filling up + the road, and stopping the traffic! London looks twice as well + without them! Tradesmen, too, say that the shops are just as + well attended now as when the two great Companies were in full + swing.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Can't see what the omnibus people + (both sides—Directors and <i>employés</i>) are + quarrelling about. No matter of mine, and the Public are only + too glad for a chance of a good walk. Fifty per cent. better + since I have been obliged to give up the morning 'bus. Asked + to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. + Certainly not, the longer the strike lasts the worse for the + Public.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Really the present state of affairs + is delightful. I have to thank the deadlock for teaching me to + patronise the river steamboats. Pleasant journey from Vauxhall + to the Temple for a penny! No idea that the Thames was so + pretty at Westminster. View of the Houses of Parliament and the + Embankment capital.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Strike continues. Well I do not + complain. Hired a hansom and find that considering the cab + takes you up to door, it is really cheaper in the long run. If + you use an omnibus, you get jolted, and run a chance of + smashing your hat. If it rains you get splashed and having to + finish your journey on foot, you might just as well have walked + the whole way.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Strike arranged to cease on Monday! + This is too much! Just as we were getting comfortable, all the + disgusting lumbering old omnibuses are to come back again! It + ought not to be allowed. Asked to-day to contribute something + in support of the strikers. Certainly, the longer the strike + lasts the better for the Public.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page292" + id="page292"></a>[pg 292]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/292.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/292.png" + alt="WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?!!" /></a> + + <h3>WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?!!</h3> + + <p><i>First Slender Invalid</i>. "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT A + BEASTLY THING THIS INFLUENZA IS, EH? I'M JUST GETTING OVER + IT."</p> + + <p><i>His Wasting Friend.</i> "AH! YOU'RE RIGHT, MY BOY! + I'VE HAD IT TOO, AND THE WORST OF IT IS, IT <i>PULLS A + FELLOW DOWN</i> SO FEARFULLY!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>EXPLANATIONS À LA MODE.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A Prophetic Forecast, by a Professional + Pessimist.</i>)</h4> + + <p>1891. The Leader of the House explains, in answer to a + question, that no understanding exists between England and any + Foreign country. No treaty is in contemplation, and never has + been suggested on either side.</p> + + <p>1892. The Government repeats that England is absolutely free + from any international engagements. It must not be thought for + a moment that a single battalion will be moved, or a solitary + vessel dispatched abroad with warlike intentions.</p> + + <p>1893. The Representative of the Cabinet once more denies the + suggestion that, under any consideration whatever, will England + bind herself to accept European responsibility. This has been + said constantly for the last three years, and the + Representative of the Cabinet is not only surprised but pained + at these frequent and embarrassing interrogations.</p> + + <p>1894. Once more, and for the last time, the PREMIER insists + that whatever may happen abroad, England will be free from + interference. It has been the policy of this great country for + the last four years to steer clear of all embarrassing + international complications. The other Great Powers are + perfectly aware that, under no circumstances whatever, will our + Army and Fleet be employed in taking part in the quarrels of + our neighbours. The entire Cabinet are grieved at questions so + frequently put to them—questions that are not only + disquieting abroad, but a slur upon the intentions of men whose + sole duty is the safety and peace of the British Empire.</p> + + <p>1895. General European War—England in the midst of + it!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>BEFORE THE MECHANICAL MODELS.</h3> + + <h4>A SKETCH AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Grounds. A string of Sightseers + discovered passing slowly in front of a row of glazed cases + containing small mechanical figures, which are set in + motion in the usual manner.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING A DYING CHILD.</h4> + + <p><i>A Gallant Swain</i>. That's the kid in bed, yer see. Like + to see it die, POLLY, eh? A penny does it.</p> + + <p><i>Polly</i> (<i>with a giggle</i>). Well, if it ain't + <i>too</i> 'arrowing. (<i>The penny is dropped in, and the + mechanical mother is instantly agitated by the deepest maternal + anxiety.</i>) That's the mother kneeling by the bed, I + suppose—she do pray natural. There's the child waking + up—see, it's moving its 'ed. (<i>The little doll raises + itself in bed, and then falls back lifeless.</i>) Ah, it's + gone—look at the poor mother 'idin' her face.</p> + + <p><i>The G.S.</i> Well, it's all over. Come along and see + something more cheerful.</p> + + <p><i>Polly</i>. Wait a bit—it isn't 'alf over yet. + There's a angel got to come and carry her away + fust—there, the door's opening, that'll be the angel come + for it, I expect. (<i>Disappointed.</i>) No, it's only the + doctor. (<i>A jerky and obviously incompetent little medical + practitioner puts his head in at the door, and on being + motioned back by the bereaved mother, retires with more + delicacy than might have been expected.</i>) Well, he might ha' + seen for himself if the child <i>was</i> dead! (<i>The back of + the bed disappears, disclosing a well-known picture of an angel + flying upwards with a child.</i>) I did think they'd have a + real angel, and not only a picture of one, and anyone can see + it's a different child—there's the child in bed just the + same. I call that a take-in!</p> + + <p><i>The G.S.</i> I dunno what more you expect for a + penny.</p> + + <p><i>A Person on the Outskirts</i> (<i>eagerly to Friend</i>). + What happened? What is it? I couldn't make it out over all the + people's shoulders.</p> + + <p><i>His Friend</i>. Dying child—not half bad either. + You go and put in a penny, and you'll see it well enough.</p> + + <p><i>The P. on the O.</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). What, put in a + penny for such rubbish? Not me!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He hangs about till someone else provides the + necessary coin.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Softhearted Female</i>. No, I couldn't stand there and + look on. I never <i>can</i> bear them pathetic subjects. I felt + just the same with that picture of the Sick Child at the + Academy, you know. (<i>Meditatively.</i>) And you don't have to + put a penny in for <i>that</i>, either.</p> + + <h4>BEFORE ANOTHER BEDROOM SCENE REPRESENTING "THE DRUNKARD'S + DELIRIUM."</h4> + + <p><i>First Woman</i>. That's 'im in bed, with the bottle in + his 'and. He likes to take his liquor comfortable, <i>he</i> + do.</p> + + <p><i>Second Woman</i>. He's very neat and tidy, considering + ain't he? I wonder what his delirium is like. 'Ere, ROSY, come + and put your penny in as the gentleman give yer. (ROSY, <i>aged + six, sacrifices her penny, under protest.</i>) Now, you + look—you can't think what pretty things you'll see.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The little wooden drunkard sits up, applies the + bottle to his mouth, and sinks back contentedly; a demon, + painted a pleasing blue, rises slowly by his bed-side: the + drunkard takes a languid interest in him; the demon + sinks.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Gentleman with a bloated complexion</i> + (<i>critically</i>). 'Ooever did that—well, I dessay he's + a very clever man, but—(<i>compassionately</i>)—he + don't know much about 'orrors, <i>he</i> don't!</p> + + <p><i>A Facetious Friend. You</i> could ha' told him a thing or + two, eh, JIM?</p> + + <p><i>The Bloated Gentleman</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). Well, + if I never 'ad them wuss than <i>that</i>!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>A small skeleton, in a shroud, looks in at the + door.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The F.F.</i> 'Ullo, 'ere's the King o' Terrors for yer! + (ROSY <i>shows signs of uneasiness; a blue demon comes out of a + cupboard.</i>) 'Ere's another of 'em—quite a little party + he's 'aving!</p> + + <p><i>A Gentleman, in a white tie</i> (<i>as the machinery + stops</i>). Well, a thing like this does more real good than + many a temperance tract.</p> + + <p><i>The Bloated G.</i> Yer right there, Guv'nor—it's + bin a lesson to <i>me</i>, I know that. 'Ere, will you come and + 'ave a whiskey-sour along of me and my friend 'ere'?</p> + + <h4>BEFORE A MODEL REPRESENTING AN EXECUTION.</h4> + + <p><i>A Daughter</i>. But <i>why</i> won't you 'put a penny + into this one, Father?</p> + + <p><i>The Father</i> (<i>firmly</i>). Because I don't approve + of Capital Punishment, my dear.</p> + + <p><i>A Cultivated Person</i>. An execution—"put a penny + in; bell tolls—gates open—scaffold shown with + gallows. Executioner pulls bolt—black flag"—dear, + dear—most degrading, shocking taste! (<i>To his + Friend.</i>) Oh, of course, I'll wait, if you want to see + it—not got a <span class="pagenum"><a name="page293" + id="page293"></a>[pg 293]</span> penny? Let me + see—yes, <i>I</i> can lend you one. (<i>He does; the + penny is put in—nothing happens.</i>) Out of order, I + suppose—scandalous! and nobody to speak to about + it—<i>most</i> discreditable! Stop—what's this? + (<i>A sort of woolly beat is audible inside the prison; + the</i> C.P. <i>beams.</i>) That's the bell + tolling—it's all right, it's working! [<i>It + works.</i></p> + + <p><i>Another Spectator</i>. Very well done, that was—but + they 'urried it over a little too quick. I scarcely saw the man + 'ung at all!</p> + + <p><i>His Companion</i>. Put in another penny, and p'raps + you'll see him cut down, old chap.</p> + + <h4>BEFORE THE FAIRY FORTUNE-TELLER'S GROTTO.</h4> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i> (<i>to her Soldier</i>.) Oh, ain't that + pretty? I should like to know what <i>my</i> fortune is. + [<i>She feels in her pocket.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Soldier</i> (<i>who disapproves of useless + expenditure</i>). Ain't you put in enough bloomin' pennies?</p> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i>. This is the last. (<i>Reads + Directions</i>.) Oh, you've got to set the finger on the dial + to the question you want answered, and then put your penny in. + What shall I ask her?</p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i>. Anyone would think you meant to go by the + answer, to hear you talk!</p> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i>. P'raps I do. (<i>Coquettishly, as she + sets the index to a printed question.</i>) Now, you mustn't + look. I won't 'ave <i>you</i> see what I ask!</p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i> (<i>loftily</i>). <i>I</i> don't want to + look, I tell yer—it's nothing to me.</p> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i>. But you <i>are</i> looking—I saw + you. [<i>A curious and deeply interested crowd collects around + them.</i></p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i>. Honour bright, I ain't seen nothing. Are you + going to be all night over this 'ere tomfoolery?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[SUSAN JANE <i>puts in a penny, blushing and tittering; + a faint musical tinkle is heard from the case, and the + little fairies begin to revolve in a solemn and mystic + fashion; growing excitement of crowd. A pasteboard bower + falls aside, revealing a small disc on which a sentence is + inscribed.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Person in Crowd</i> (<i>reading slowly over</i> SUSAN + JANE's <i>shoulder</i>). "Yus; 'e is treuly worthy of your + love."</p> + + <p><i>Crowd</i> (<i>delighted</i>). That's worth a penny to + know, <i>ain't</i> it, Miss? <i>Your</i> mind's easy now! It's + the soldier she was meanin'. Ah,<i>'e</i> ought to feel + satisfied too, after that! &c., &c. [<i>Confusion + of</i> SUSAN JANE.</p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i> (<i>as he departs with S.J.</i>). Well, yer + know, there's something <i>in</i> these things, when all's + said!</p> + + <h4>IN DEPARTING.</h4> + + <p><i>A Pleased Pleasure-seeker</i>. Ah, that's something like, + that is! I've seen the 'Aunted Miser, and the Man with the + 'Orrors, and a Execution, and a Dyin' Child—they do make + you <i>larf</i>, yer know!</p> + + <p><i>Second P.P.</i> Yes, it's a pity the rest o'the + Exhibition ain't more the same style, to my thinking!</p> + + <p><i>A Captious Critic</i>. Well, they don't seem to me to + 'ave much to do with anything <i>naval</i>.</p> + + <p><i>His Companion</i>. Why, it comes under machinery, don't + it? You're so bloomin' particular, you are! Wouldn't touch a + glass o' beer 'ere, unless it was brewed with salt-water, I + suppose! Well, come on, then—there's a bar 'andy!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They adjourn for refreshment.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>PROVERBS PRO OMNIBUS.—Directly the Chairman of the + General Omnibus Company observed that if the men's demands were + conceded the fares would have to be raised, there was a rush to + be the first out with the old proverb about Penny wise and + Pound foolish. However, "In for a penny" remains as heretofore, + the <i>employés</i> having successfully gone "in for a Pound." + Let them now "take care of the pence," and they may feel well + assured that this particular POUND will be able to take care of + himself. Well, farewell the tranquillity of the streets of last + week! Henceforth not "chaos," but "'Bus 'os," has come + again!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:10%;"> + <a href="images/293-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <h3>Nolens Volens.</h3> + + <p>Dear MR. PUNCH,—I hear that some people are in a great + state of mind lest some blessed Bill brought in by the + Government, should "destroy Voluntary Schools." What howling + bosh! Why, there <i>are no</i> Voluntary Schools! No, they're + all Compulsory, confound 'em! or who'd attend 'em? Not Yours + disgustedly,</p> + + <p class="author">A HUMAN BOY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. WELLER & CO., AND THE 'BUS STRIKE.—Mr. + SUTHERST seems to occupy, as towards the 'Bus-drivers, a + similar position to that filled by the eminent <i>Mr. Solomon + Pell</i>, the general adviser, and man of business to the Elder + <i>Mr. Weller</i>, and his professional coaching brethren. It + is to be hoped that the <i>Solomon Pell</i> of the 'Bus-drivers + has been treated as liberally as was the real <i>Mr. Pell</i>, + the friend of the LORD CHANCELLOR, by <i>Mr. Weller</i> Senior, + the Mottle-faced Man, and others.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/293-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The most interesting book, one of the Baron's Retainers + ("blythe and gay,") has read this year is, <i>The Life of + Laurence Oliphant</i>. If it were not written by a reputable + person, and published by so eminently respectable a house as + BLACKWOOD's, there would be difficulty about accepting it as a + true story of the life of a man whom some of us knew, as lately + living in London, wearing a frock coat, and even a tall hat of + cylindrical shape. Such a mingling of shrewd business qualities + and March madness as met in LAURENCE OLIPHANT is surely a new + thing. A man of gentle birth, of high culture, of wide + experience, of supreme ability, and, strangest of all, with a + keen sense of humour—that such an one should voluntarily + step down from high social position at the bidding of a vulgar, + selfish, self-seeking, and, according to some hints dropped + here and there, grossly immoral man, should, at beck of his fat + forefinger, go forth to a strange land to live amid sordid + circumstances, and with uncongenial company, to work as a + common, farm-labourer, to peddle strawberries at a railway + station, passes belief. With respect to Mr. HARRIS, one feels + inclined to quote <i>Betsy Prig's</i> remark touching one who + may, peradventure, have been a maternal relation. "I don't + believe," said <i>Betsy</i>, "there's no sich a person." But + there was, and, stranger still, there was a LAURENCE OLIPHANT + to bend the knee to him. Not the least striking thing in a book + of rare value is the manner in which Mrs. OLIPHANT has + acquitted herself in a peculiarly difficult task. No man would + have had the restraining patience necessary to deal with the + HARRIS episodes as she has done.</p> + + <p>The Assistant Reader has been refreshing himself with + <i>Lapsus Calami</i>, by J.K.S., published by MACMILLAN and + BOWES. It is a booklet of light verse, containing here and + there some remarkably brilliant pieces of satire and parody. + The first of two parodies of ROBERT BROWNING is unsurpassable + for successful audacity. The last poem in the book is "An + Election Address," written for, but apparently not used by, the + present POSTMASTER-GENERAL, when he was Candidate for Cambridge + University, in 1882. He says of himself, after confessing to a + dislike for literature and science,—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But I have fostered, guided, planned</p> + + <p>Commercial enterprise; in me</p> + + <p>Some ten or twelve directors, and</p> + + <p>Six worthy chairmen you may see."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>All the pieces are not so good as those cited—that + would be too much to expect—but "get it," say</p> + + <p class="author">BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Mortuary.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ANDREW LANGUAGE—no, LANG!—who the + classics is pat in,</p> + + <p class="i2">Suggests to our writers, as test of their + "style,"</p> + + <p>Just to turn their equivocal prose into Latin,</p> + + <p class="i2">As DRYDEN did. Truly the plan makes one + smile!</p> + + <p>Reviewers find Novelists' nonsense much weary + 'em.</p> + + <p class="i4">Writers of twaddle</p> + + <p class="i4">Take DRYDEN a model—</p> + + <p>Turn your books into some great "<i>dead</i> + language"—and <i>bury</i> 'em!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN TOLD DOWN EAST;</h3> + + <h4><i>Or, A Mauvais Jew d'Esprit.</i></h4> + + <p>Will you, if you please, point out to me the way to the + streets which, I am told, are paved with gold?</p> + + <p>Where shall I find the employer of labour who, I have been + told, will instantly get me occupation at a wage of 60 roubles + the week?</p> + + <p>Dear me! in this, then, your "White Chapel"? I was told it + was a luxurious quarter, famous for its Palaces.</p> + + <p>Surely this horrid den is not one of your model work-rooms? + I was told that such things existed only in Russia!</p> + + <p>And are these people who are scowling at and cursing me your + typical working population? Why, I was told that I should find + them dear brothers, waiting to welcome us with open arms.</p> + + <p>And is this pittance you offer me all that you pay for + making a coat? I was told that it was quite twelve times as + much as this.</p> + + <p>Ah! I'm afraid I have been told, and have given credit to, a + great many things to which I never should have listened at + all.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page294" + id="page294"></a>[pg 294]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/294.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/294.png" + alt="FELINE AMENITIES." /></a> + + <h3>FELINE AMENITIES.</h3> + + <p><i>Lady Godiva de Rougepott</i>. "I DON'T THINK ANY + PAINTING LOOKS WELL IN THIS HORRID ELECTRIC LIGHT!"</p> + + <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>nettled</i>). "DON'T YOU, DEAR? + PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER TO REMAIN IN THE DRAWING-ROOM, + WHERE THE LAMPS AND SHADES ARE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"To the bi-monthly exhibition of the Royal Horticultural + Society the Marquis of SALISBURY sent a magnificent + collection—of strawberries especially. Mr. W.H. SMITH + showed specimens of the same luscious fruit, for which he + received the thanks of the Society."—<i>Daily + Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Head-Gardener</i> SM-TH <i>soliloquiseth</i>:—</p> + + <p>OHO! my beauty! If <i>you</i> don't get a fust prize, and + "receive the thanks of the Society" I'm a cowcumber! "The + Fruits of Early Industry and Economy." Title of a picture by + that splendid sample of the industrious and the economical, + GEORGE MORLAND, I believe. Yes, that's it. My Industry and + G-SCH-N's Economy.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We are a moral family;</p> + + <p class="i2">We are, we are, we are!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>All the cardinal virtues bound in—ahem! no matter.</p> + + <p>Talk of the Gigantic Gooseberry! What is that apocryphal + monstrosity compared with this Brobdingnagian Berry? + [<i>Sings.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bravo, my "British Queen"!</p> + + <p>Long live my "British Queen"!</p> + + <p class="i2">Brave "British Queen"!</p> + + <p>Send it victorious,</p> + + <p>First-Prizer glorious,</p> + + <p>Fill Rads censorious</p> + + <p class="i2">With envious spleen!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>As you <i>will</i>, my Beauty! When did swaggering H-RC-RT's + horticulture produce such goodly fruits? Or sour-mug'd + M-RL-Y's? Or leary L-BBY's? Or Slawkenbergian M-ND-LLA's? Or + even that of the Grand Old Grower, GL-DST-NE himself, with all + his fluent patter about British Pomona, and the native + Jam-pot?</p> + + <p>I know the badly-beaten lot maintain that the plant is a + "Sport" from an old purchase of their own. Bless you, they + claim <i>all</i> the good stocks—always did. Who cares? + My young floricultural friend, JOE of Birmingham, who knows a + bit about fruits as well as concerning orchids, let me tell + you,—JOE, I say, laughs their preposterous pretensions to + scorn. Look at G-SCH-N's own particular plant there—a bit + late, but very promising, and probably destined to take a prize + before the season's over. Didn't JOE recommend the stock to + GL-DST-NE years ago? And didn't the haughty Hawarden + horticulturist turn up his nose at it as an "Unauthorised" + intruder upon his own Prize Programme? And, more by token, + didn't JOE get the hump in consequence, cut the old connection, + and set up on his own account in the forcing-house line, with a + friendly leaning to our firm? Aha! "<i>Hinc illæ lachrymæ</i>," + as the Guv'nor would say. Hence, also, this Colossal + Strawberry!</p> + + <p>Thanks of the Society? I should rayther think so! They may + chaff "OLD MORALITY" as much as they like—but morality + <i>pays</i>, even in strawberry-growing; and my duty to my + (British) Queen has brought about <i>this</i> triumph. Early + Industry started it, and careful horticultural Economy brought + it to its present pitch of perfection. Look at it! Size, shape, + sweetness, scent, all superb! If the Season shouldn't produce + another Prize-Winner, this alone ought to satisfy SOLLY. And if + G-SCH-N's seedling, "Gratis," <i>should</i> turn out a triumph + later on, why we shall score tremendously. Wish G-SCH-N would + "sit up and snort" less, and smile more. Patience and plenty of + sun! That's the tip for a horticulturist. Standing at the door + and shying stones at your neighbour's glasshouses, won't make + your own fruit ripen, if GEORGE JOKIM could only see it. As + H-RT D-KE says, <i>tu quoques</i> are a nuisance, and want + fumigating off the face of the earth. JOKIM and ARTHUR B-LF-R a + bit too fond of 'em for <i>my</i> fancy. However, all the + "you're anothers" on earth can't affect my Strawberry now, + thanks be! <i>The</i> Fruit of the Season, though I say it who + perhaps shouldn't.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>(<i>Sings.</i>) From "Greenlands" sunny garden,</p> + + <p class="i10">And vista'd vitreous panes,</p> + + <p class="i10">We mean to rival Hawarden,</p> + + <p class="i10">In glories and in gains.</p> + + <p class="i10">I have produced, Sweet WILL-I-AM,</p> + + <p class="i10">This Giant Strawber-ry,</p> + + <p class="i10">In horticultural skill I am</p> + + <p class="i10">A match for W.G.! [<i>Left + chortling.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE VERY LAST ON THE 'BUS STRIKE.—After the + comparative quiet of last week, the streets of London will now + be as 'bussy as ever.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page295" + id="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/295.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/295.png" + alt="THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION." /></a> + + <h3>THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION.</h3> + + <p>W.H. SM-TH (<i>Head Gardener and Prize Exhibitor</i>). + "HAD TO NIP OFF A LOT OF BLOOMS TO GET HIM UP TO THIS + SIZE!!"</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"At the Bimonthly Exhibition of the Royal + Horticultural Society ... Mr. W.H. SMITH showed + specimens of the same luscious + fruit"—strawberries—"for which he received + the thanks of the Society."—<i>Daily + Telegraph</i>, Wednesday, June 10.</p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" + id="page297"></a>[pg 297]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/297.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297.png" + alt="SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE." /></a> + + <h3>SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE.</h3> + + <p>PORTRAIT OF A LITERARY FRIEND, WHO, LIVING IN A MAIN + THOROUGHFARE, WAS AN ARDENT SUPPORTER OF THE 'BUS STRIKE, + SUBSCRIBED TO ITS FUNDS, ADD HOPED IT MIGHT LONG CONTINUE. + HE SAYS HE HASN'T HAD SUCH A QUIET TIME WITH HIS BOOKS FOR + YEARS. BUT ALAS! SINCE LAST SUNDAY HE HAS NOT SMILED + AGAIN.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MRS. GINGHAM ON THE GREAT 'BUS QUESTION.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The demand for 'Buses is immensely stimulated by their + presence, and when they are no longer there, the people who + thought them indispensable get on very well indeed without + them.... Under the influence of penny fares, Londoners are + rapidly forgetting how to walk."—<i>The + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! it's all very fine, my good Sir, whosomever you + are as writes such,</p> + + <p>But of decent poor folk and their needs it is plain + as you do not know much.</p> + + <p>Which I ain't quite so young as I was, nor as light, + nor as smart on my feet,</p> + + <p>And you may not know quite what it is to be out late + o' night and dead beat,</p> + + <p>Out Islington way, arter ten, with a bundle, a + child, and a cage,</p> + + <p>As canaries is skeery at night, and a seven mile + walk, at my age,</p> + + <p>All along of no 'Bus to be had, love or money, and + cabs that there dear,</p> + + <p>And a stitch in my side and short breath, ain't as + nice as you fancy,—no fear!</p> + + <p>Likeways look at my JOHN every morning, ah! rain, + hail or shine, up to town,</p> + + <p>With no trams running handy, and corns! As I sez to + my friend Mrs. BROWN,</p> + + <p>Bless the 'Buses, I sez, they're a boon to poor + souls, as must travel at times,</p> + + <p>And we can't <i>all</i> keep kerridges neither, wus + luck! Penny Fares ain't no crimes,</p> + + <p>If you arsk me, as did ought to know. Which my + feelings I own it does rouge</p> + + <p>To hear big-wigs a-sneering at 'Buses. There may be + a bit of a scrouge,</p> + + <p>And the smell of damp straw mixed with pep'mint + ain't nice to a dalicot nose,</p> + + <p>Likeways neat "Oh be Joyful's" a thing as with + orange and snuff hardly goes.</p> + + <p>But we ain't all rekerky nor rich, we can't all + afford sixpence a mile,</p> + + <p>And when we are old, late, and tired, or it's wet, + we can't think about <i>style</i>.</p> + + <p>The 'Bus is the poor body's kerridge, young + feller—and as for your talk</p> + + <p>About not never missing a lift, or + forgetting—dear sakes!—<i>how</i> to + walk,</p> + + <p>And the nice quiet streets and all that; why it's + clear <i>you</i> ain't been a poor clerk</p> + + <p>With a precious small "screw," in wet weather. Ah! + you wouldn't find it no lark</p> + + <p>With thin boots and a 'ard 'acking cough, and three + mile every day to and thro',</p> + + <p>Or a puffy old woman like me, out at Witsuntide + wisiting JOE,</p> + + <p>(My young son in the greengrocer line); or a + governess, peaky and pale,</p> + + <p>As has just overslep herself slightly, and can't git + by cab or by rail.</p> + + <p>"Ugly lumbering wehicles?" Ah! and we're ugly and + lumbering too,</p> + + <p>A lot of us poor Penny 'Bus fares, as isn't + high-born or true-blue.</p> + + <p>But the 'Bus is our help. Wery like some do ride as + had far better walk,</p> + + <p>Whether tip-toppy swells or poor shop-girls. But all + that is trumpery talk.</p> + + <p>What I arsk is, why shouldn't the 'Buses be kept a + bit reglar, like Cabs,</p> + + <p>In the matter of fares and of distances? Oh, a old + woman it crabs</p> + + <p>To hear of Perprietors pinching pore fellers as + drive or conduck,</p> + + <p>While the "Pirates" play up merry mag with the poor + helpless fare, as gets stuck</p> + + <p>Betwixt Dividend-grinders and Strikers? It ought to + be altered, <i>I</i> say.</p> + + <p>Whilst they talk of what 'Bus-folk should earn, they + forget the pore Publick—who <i>pay</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>LE PRINCE S'AMUSE.</h3> + + <h4><i>An Apologetic Idyl.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My life is held to be a round of Pleasures;</p> + + <p>All I can say is, they who thus would rate it,</p> + + <p>For life's delights have most peculiar measures:</p> + + <p>For though in plainest English they don't state + it,</p> + + <p>'Tis clear "no recreation" meets their views,</p> + + <p>Or why that sneering cry, "<i>Le Prince + s'amuse?</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or do they think a Prince, without repining,</p> + + <p>Foundation-stones unceasingly is laying,</p> + + <p>Rewarded with a glut of public dining,</p> + + <p>The pangs of hunger ever to be staying,</p> + + <p>Is recreation such as he would choose?</p> + + <p>If so—I understand "<i>Le Prince + s'amuse!</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But how a world that notes his daily doings,</p> + + <p>The everlasting round of weary function,—</p> + + <p>The health-returnings, speeches, interviewings.</p> + + <p>Can grudge him some relief, without compunction,</p> + + <p>Seems quite to me "another pair of shoes!"</p> + + <p>Dyspeptic is that cry, "<i>Le Prince + s'amuse!</i>"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MODERN BRIGAND.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragment from the Adventures of a Ransomed + Prisoner.</i>)</h4> + + <p>I must confess I was agreeably surprised at the treatment to + which I was subjected by my capturers. Instead of being loaded + with chains and confined in a cell beneath the castle's moat, I + was given perfect liberty, and had quite a pleasant suite of + rooms. I should scarcely have known that I was in durance had + not one of the less refined of the brigands shown me a + revolver, and playfully informed me that its contents were + intended for me if I attempted to escape. The Chief was + absolutely charming. He treated me in the most courteous + manner, and ended his first interview with me by requesting + "the honour of my company at dinner."</p> + + <p>"You need not dress!" he observed, "although I like to put + on a tail-coat myself. But I know that you have had some + difficulty with my people about your luggage, and so I shall be + only too delighted to excuse <i>grande tenue</i>."</p> + + <p>The "difficulty" to which my host referred was the seizing + of my portmanteau by the gang of thieves of which he was the + acknowledged head. I suggested that I might possibly recover + some of its contents.</p> + + <p>"I am afraid not," returned the Chieftain. "You see my + people are very methodical, and by this time I fear all the + goods will have been sold. The motto of the Club is 'small + profits and quick returns.' We find no difficulty in trading. + As we carry on business on the most economical principles, we + can quote prices even cheaper than the Stores."</p> + + <p>And this I found to be the case. Although the brigands were + very civil to me, I was unable to trace any of my property. + However, as my host in the kindest manner had allowed me to + dispense with ceremony, I ventured to appear at dinner-time in + my ordinary tourist's dress.</p> + + <p>"I am delighted to see you," said the Chief, speaking + English for the first time, "as you are now my guest, I must + confess that we are fellow countrymen."</p> + + <p>"Indeed!" I replied, considerably astonished. "If you are + really of British nationality, how is it that I find you a + professional thief?"</p> + + <p>"You are mistaken," returned the Chief. "I merely belong to + a society for the redistribution of capital. You know we are + all balloted for, and I was myself afraid that I might get + pilled."</p> + + <p>"Indeed!" I exclaimed, in a tone of surprise. "Surely your + accomplishments—for I noticed, on my arrival, that you + were a first-rate hand at lawn tennis, and played the + flute—would have secured your admission?"</p> + + <p>"Well," he returned with a smile, "I fancy they helped me + with the Committee. But unhappily my antecedents were + bad—I had made a fortune on the London Stock Exchange, + and my books were scarcely as satisfactory as our bandit + auditors could have desired them to be. However they took a + kindly view of the case, and allowed me to pass through. But + pardon me, I see your ransom has arrived. I am afraid I must + say good bye. A pleasant journey."</p> + + <p>And shaking me warmly by the hand, he helped me into the + conveyance that was to take me back to home and freedom. I have + never seen him since.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" + id="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/298.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/298.png" + alt="ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.—HARTINGTONIANA." /> + </a> + + <h3>ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.—HARTINGTONIANA.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" + id="page299"></a>[pg 299]</span> + + <h2>A COY COLOSSUS.</h2> + + <p>PARIS, <i>June 15</i>.—It is stated here, on no + authority whatever, that when the CZAR was recently visiting + the French Exhibition at Moscow, his Imperial Majesty was heard + to remark, "This makes me desire to see the Boulevards again." + A visit of the ruler of Russia to Paris during the Summer is + therefore considered to be certain. An offensive and defensive + Alliance between the two countries is said to be on the point + of signature.</p> + + <p>A few evenings ago, in a low <i>café</i> in Belleville, M. + NOKASHIKOFF, who left St. Petersburg lately to escape his + creditors, and who conceived the happy idea of raising a little + money by walking to Paris in a sack composed of the French and + Russian national flags stitched together, was entertained to + supper by his Gallic admirers. The proceedings, especially + towards midnight, were very enthusiastic. Throughout the + festivities, constant cries of "<i>Vive l'Alliance + Franco-Russe!</i>" were raised. This incident is said to have + placed the immediate signature of the Treaty between the CZAR + and President CARNOT beyond a doubt.</p> + + <p>Last evening a foreigner, who by appearance would have been + taken for a Muscovite, was walking along the asphalte, when he + was surrounded by a crowd of persons crying "<i>Vive la + Russie!</i>" The foreigner seemed both surprised and annoyed by + these attentions, and at length began to use his fists and his + boots liberally on the ringleaders of the mob. This treatment, + however, seemed only to increase their Russophil ardour, and + the stranger was soon hoisted on to the shoulders of some of + his foremost admirers, struggling violently. On the arrival of + a gendarme, he explained that he was an English book-maker, and + that "this bloomin' mob of boot-lickers had taken him for a + bloomin' Russian!" The crowd shortly afterwards dispersed. The + completion of the formal alliance between France and Russia is + considered less certain than it was a few days ago.</p> + + <p>The Frenchman, M. TÊTE-BOIS, who recently attempted to walk + on his head from Paris to Moscow, in order to show the sympathy + felt in France for the Muscovite Empire, did not succeed in + carrying out his design. He was stopped shortly after crossing + the Russian frontier, imprisoned, and heavily ironed. After + suffering in this way for a week, he was told that he must + leave Russian territory within twenty-four hours, or else + continue his journey to Siberia. On being appealed to, the CZAR + graciously extended the time given for quitting Russia to + forty-eight hours. This Imperial clemency has caused the widest + feeling of gratitude and satisfaction in France, and the + signature of the definitive Alliance between the two countries + is confidently expected at an exceedingly early date.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/299.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/299.png" + alt="FANCY PORTRAIT." /></a> + + <h3>FANCY PORTRAIT.</h3>(<i>Dedicated to Lord Chief Justice + Coleridge.</i>) + + <p>"THE LORD ARCHBISHOP OF NOVA SCOTIA, PRELATE OF THE + ORDER OF THE SUN," CAUGHT CHEATING AT CARDS + (HYPOTHETICALLY) BY THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, AND TAKEN, + INSTANTANEOUSLY, BY OUR ARTIST.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday Night, June 8</i>.—I knew + DYKE first when (good many years ago now) as DIZZY's whip he + hunted in couple with ROWLAND WINN; then always called HART + DYKE. Like many other young men he has in interval lost his + HART, and now known as Sir WILLIAM DYKE. Curious thing, as SARK + reminds me, how absorbent is the name of WILLIAM. Quite + probable that before <i>Black-Eyed Susan's</i> friend came + prominently on the stage he had some other Christian name, sunk + when he was promoted to shadow of yard-arm. Certainly there is + an equally eminent man sitting opposite DYKE in House to-night, + who like him is "Sir WILLIAM" to the present generation, and + was VERNON HARCOURT to an elder one.</p> + + <p>DYKE, under whatever name, done excellently well to-night. + Holding comparatively minor appointment in Ministry, suddenly + finds himself in charge of principal measure of Session. + Handicapped, moreover, with recollections of time when he has + uncompromisingly declared himself against the very principle he + now embodies in Bill, and invites House to add to Statute + Book.</p> + + <p>That was first hedge for DYKE to take, and he went over in + plucky style that threw the scorner off his trail. Didn't live + in close communication with DIZZY through six long years for + nothing. Not likely to forget what happened in very earliest + days of Parliament of 1874, when DIZZY for first time found + himself not only in office but in power. During election + campaign DIZZY, speaking in the safety of Buckinghamshire, had + made some wild statement about easing the chains of Ireland. + Simply designed to gain Irish vote; forgotten as soon as + spoken. But ROBERT MONTAGU—where, by the way, is ROBERT + MONTAGU?—treasured these things up in his heart, and when + DIZZY appeared in the House, Leader of triumphant majority, + asked him what he was going to do about it?</p> + + <p>"It is sometime since the observations referred to were + made," said DIZZY, "and—er—a good deal has happened + in the interval."</p> + + <p>DYKE, recalling and admitting his former statements on Free + Education, did not attempt to minimise their import. "But." he + said, button-holing House as it were, and treating it quite + confidentially, "the fact is we all change our minds." House + laughed at this as it had laughed at DIZZY seventeen years ago, + and DYKE, absolved and encouraged, went forward with his + speech.</p> + + <p>Not a brilliant oration in any way; neither exordium nor + peroration, and the middle occasionally a little mixed. But a + good sensible straightforward speech, and if DYKE had done no + more than show that an important Ministerial measure could be + explained within limit of an hour, he would not have lived in + vain.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Education Bill introduced.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Nothing at first sight in personal + appearance of HERBERT THOMAS KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN that suggests + a swan. Fancy I have heard something of these birds being + addicted to the habit of breaking forth into song when + convinced of approaching dissolution. That, I suppose, is how + the swan was suggested to the mind when just now, + KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN rose from behind Ministers, and began to + chant his threnody. Resolution on which Education Bill grafted + brought up for report stage; agreed to, and HART DYKE about to + bring in his Bill. Then from the back seat rose a sturdy yeoman + figure, and a powerful voice was uplifted in denunciation of + the Bill and of a Ministry that had betrayed the trust of the + Conservative Party. It was, so the swan sang, a step on the + road to Socialism. He feared it had come to pass that dangerous + measures are more likely to emanate from the Treasury Bench + than from the Front Bench opposite.</p> + + <p>Liberals roared with delighted laughter and cheers; the + Conservatives sat glum and ill-at-ease. OLD MORALITY's white + teeth gleamed with a spasmodic smile. As for JOKIM he folded + his arms, and bit his lips and frowned.</p> + + <p>"What antiquated nonsense this is!" he muttered, "of course + Free Education is not a Conservative principle. They all + protested against it at the General Election. A year earlier I, + who happened at the time to be numbered in the Liberal ranks, + put my back <span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" + id="page300"></a>[pg 300]</span> against the wall, and, + picturing the evils that would befall my country if its + institutions were thus demoralised, I said I would die + before I would lend a hand to free the schools. But you see, + TOBY, <i>I haven't died</i>, and that changes the whole + situation. Not only enables me to retain my place in + Government bringing in Free Education, but permits me, as + CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, actually to find the means for + carrying out the system. Can't understand a fellow like this + KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN sticking to his principles when it + becomes expedient to swallow them. He's a disgrace to a + family that counts BRABOURNE as its head."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:26%;"> + <a href="images/300-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-1.png" + alt="'A Progressive Conservative.' (<i>Vide Dod.</i>)" /> + </a> "A Progressive Conservative." (<i>Vide Dod.</i>) + </div> + + <p>"HUGESSEN's a good fellow," said ISAACSON; "wears well, but + is politically a fossil. Now <i>I'm</i> a progressive + Conservative, which I think you'll find, TOBY, my boy, to be + about the time of day."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Assisted Education Bill; firmly + led up to table by HART DYKE.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Lively fight round Deceased Wife's + Sister Bill. Ascot in vain held forth its attractions; + supporters of the Bill hoped opponents would go; opponents came + down rather expecting HENEAGE's virtue would have given way, + and Ascot would have claimed him as its own. But everybody + there—MAKINS's men with long list of Amendments warranted + to keep things going till half-past five, when progress must be + reported, and chance of Bill for present Session lost. MAKINS + himself in high oratorical feather. OSBORNE-AP-MORGAN, having + made a proposition and subsequently withdrawn it, MAKINS, + putting on severest judicial aspect, observed, "It is all very + well for the Right Hon. and learned Gentleman to make a legal + JONAH of himself and swallow his opinions."</p> + + <p>"Bless us all!" cried ROWNTREE, looking on with blank + amazement, "MAKINS evidently thinks that JONAH swallowed the + whale." Bill seemed to shatter friendships and dissever old + alliances. SQUIRE of MALWOOD naturally at home in the fray, but + rather startling to find HOME SECRETARY running amuck at + CHAMBERLAIN. MATTHEWS in his most hoity-toity mood; quivered + with indignation; thumped the table; shook a forensic + forefinger at the undesignedly offending JOSEPH, and, + generally, went on the rampage. As for HENEAGE, he filled up + any little pause in uproar by diving in and moving the Closure. + Once, whilst GEDGE was opposing an Amendment hostile to Bill, + HENEAGE dashed in with his Closure motion. GEDGE's face a + study; mingled surprise, indignation, and ineffable regret + mantled his mobile front.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/300-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-2.png" + alt="'Bless us all!'" /></a>"Bless us all!" + </div> + + <p>"To think," he said afterwards, "that just when I was coming + to HENEAGE's help with an argument founded on profound study + and pointed with legal lore, he should suddenly jump up, lower + his head, and, as it were, butt me in the stomach with the + Closure. It is more than I can at the moment comprehend."</p> + + <p>GEDGE so flurried that when Members returned, after Division + on Closure, he being, in accordance with the rule, seated and + wearing his hat, wanted to argue out the question with + COURTNEY.</p> + + <p>"I submit, Sir," he said, "that the Hon. Member, in moving + the Closure, controverted Rule 186."</p> + + <p>The Chairman: "I think the Hon. Member can scarcely have + read the Rule."</p> + + <p>Mr. GEDGE: "I have read the Rule, Sir. This is what it + says—"</p> + + <p>Chairman: "Order! Order!" and GEDGE subsided.</p> + + <p>Then TOMLINSON fortuitously turning up on Treasury Bench, + joined in conversation. But COURTNEY turned upon him with such + a thunderous cry of "Order! Order!" that TOMLINSON visibly + shrivelled up, and his sentence, like the unfinished window in + ALLADIN's Tower, unfinished must remain.</p> + + <p>Wrangling went on till a quarter past five, when TALBOT + interposed, and with most funereal manner moved to report + progress. HENEAGE almost mechanically lowered his head and had + started to butt at TALBOT as he had upset GEDGE when he was + providentially stopped and convinced that further struggle with + obstruction was hopeless. So, Clause I. agreed to, Bill talked + out. MAKINS, growing increasingly delightful, protested that a + Bill that had been fifty years before the country, was not to + be rushed through the House on a Wednesday afternoon. + <i>Argal</i>, the more familiar the House is with the details + of a measure, the more necessary is it to debate it.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Marriage with a Deceased Wife's + Sister. Banns again objected to.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>, 1:25 A M.—Land Bill just through + report stage. Nothing left now but Third Reading. "Well, KNOX," + said WINDBAG SEXTON, "that will be our last opportunity, and we + must make the most of it. In meantime I think we've done pretty + well. I'm especially pleased with you. You're a boy of great + promise. If anything happened to me—a stray tack in the + bench, or a pin maliciously directed, and the wind-bag were to + collapse—you'd do capitally, till I got it repaired."</p> + + <p>WINDBAG JUNIOR blushed. As OLD MORALITY remarks, Ingenuous + youth delights in the Approbation of Seasoned Seniority.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Land at last—I mean Land + Purchase Bill through at last.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GENERAL OF THE FUTURE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Tent in rear of a Battle-field.</i> + Political Officer <i>in attendance upon Army, waiting for + Military assistance.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Political Officer</i> (<i>impatiently</i>). Now then, + Orderly, have you not been able to secure a General for me?</p> + + <p><i>Orderly</i> (<i>saluting</i>). Beg pardon, Sir, but it's + so difficult, since they have passed that new Royal Warrant, to + know which is which.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>more impatiently</i>). + Nonsense!—any General Officer will do. <i>Ord</i>. Very + good, Sir.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit.</i> Political Officer <i>stamps his foot + irritably, when enter</i> First General Officer, + <i>hurriedly.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Gen. Off.</i> Well, Sir, how can I assist you?</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>cordially</i>). Glad to see you, + General. Fact is, supposing we arrange a treaty, do you think + it would be wise to surrender the fortress on the right side of + the river, if we retain the redoubt near the wood as a basis of + operations? You see—</p> + + <p><i>First Gen. Off.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Very sorry, + but don't know anything about it.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). But aren't you a + General?</p> + + <p><i>First Gen. Off.</i> Certainly. General-Surgeon. Ta, ta! + [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> Well of all the—(<i>Enter Second Gen. + Off.</i>) Well, Sir, what is it? Who are you?</p> + + <p><i>Second Gen. Off.</i> I am a General Officer, and I was + told you required my poor services.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> So I do. The fact is, General, supposing we + arrange a treaty, do you think it wise for us to surrender the + fortress—</p> + + <p><i>Second Gen. Off.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Alas! my dear + friend, I fear I can be of no help to you—it is entirely + out of my line.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). But aren't you a + General?</p> + + <p><i>Second Gen. Off.</i> Certainly. A General-Chaplain. + Farewell, dear friend. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> Well of all the—(<i>Enter</i> Third + General Officer.) Well, Sir, who and what are you?</p> + + <p><i>Third Gen. Off.</i> (<i>briskly</i>). A General. Now + then, look sharp! No time to lose. Hear you require me. How can + I help you?</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>aside</i>). Ah, this is the sort of man + I want! (<i>Aloud.</i>) Well then, General, we are arranging a + treaty, and I want your advice about retaining a fortress on + the right of the river—</p> + + <p><i>Third Gen. Off.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Sorry. Can't + help! Not my province. Good bye! [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>shouting after him</i>). But aren't you + a General?</p> + + <p><i>Third Gen. Off.</i> (<i>voice heard in the distance</i>.) + Yes. General-Postman!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon political official language + unfit for publication.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>MUSICAL NOTES.—<i>Saturday Afternoon</i>.—Albert + Hall jubilant. M. PLANCON or PLANÇON—the production of + the "c" depending on the state of his voice—was encored + and "obliged again." So did Madame ALBANI, who was in superb + voice. But her accompanist, M. CARRODUS, who had given us one + violin <i>obbligato</i>, did <i>not</i> obbligato again, and so + Madame sang, admirably of course, the ever-welcome "<i>Home, + Sweet Home</i>." GIULIA RAVOGLI gave her great <i>Orphéo</i> + song, and DRURIOLANUS, practising courtly attitudes, as one + preparing to receive a German Emperor, smole beamingly on the + gratified audience. At The Garden, <i>Mireille</i>, revived on + Wednesday last, hasn't much life in her, but Miss EAMES + charming.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, June 20, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13422-h.htm or 13422-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/4/2/13422/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, June 20, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 10, 2004 [EBook #13422] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +June 20, 1891. + + + + +ON THE RIVER. + +[Illustration] + + A light canoe, a box of cigarettes, + Sunshine and shade; + A conscience free from love or money debts + To man or maid; + + A book of verses, tender, quaint, or gay, + DOBSON or LANG; + Trim yew-girt gardens, echoing the day + When HERRICK sang; + + A Thames-side Inn, a salad, and some fruit, + Beaune or Hochheimer;-- + Are simple joys, but admirably suit + An idle rhymer. + + * * * * * + +A 'BUS 'OSS'S MEMS. + +(_KEPT DURING A RECENT SOCIAL CRISIS._) + +_Saturday, June 6_, 11 P.M.--Home after our last turn. Fancy from +several drinks had on the way, and the pace we had to put into that +last mile and a half, that something's up. Turned into stall nice and +comfortable, as usual. + +_Sunday_.--Something is up with a vengeance. Hoorooh! We're on strike. +I don't know the rights of it, nor don't care, as long as I have my +bit of straw to roll in, and a good feed twice a day. I wonder, by +the way, if the fellow who looks after my oats is "off." Past feeding +time. Feel uneasy about it. Hang it all, I would rather work for _my_ +living, than be tied up here doing nothing without a feed! Ha! here he +is, thank goodness, at last. However, better late than never. Capital +fun this strike. + +_Monday_.--Am sent out in a loyal omnibus. Hooted at and frightened +with brickbats. Felt half inclined to shy. Halloa! what's this? Hit on +the ribs with a paving-stone. Come, I won't stand this. Kick and back +the 'bus on to the pavement. All the windows smashed by Company's men. +Passengers get out. Somebody cuts the traces, and I allow myself to be +led back to the stables. Don't care about this sort of fun. However, +feed all right. + +_Tuesday_.--Hear that the men want thirteen and sixpence a day and +a seven hours' turn. Directors offer five and sixpence, and make the +minimum seventeen hours. Go it, my hearties! Fight away! Who cares? +You must feed _me_, that's quite certain. Still I don't care about +being cooped up here all day. Nasty feeling of puffiness about the +knees. Hang the strike! + +_Wednesday_.--Puffiness worse. Vet. looks in and says I want exercise. +Take a bolus and am walked for half an hour or so up and down some +back-streets. Bless them!--that ain't no good. + +_Thursday_.--Puffiness worse, of course. Bother it all, being shut up +here! What wouldn't I give just for a sight of dear old Piccadilly! +The fact is, if they don't soon let me have my run from King's Cross +to Putney, I shall "bust up"--and that's a fact. I feel it. + +_Friday_.--Ah, they may well come to terms! Another day of this, and I +believe I should have been off the hooks "for ever and for aye." It's +all very well for Capital and Labour to get at loggerheads, but, as +DUCROW said, they must cut all their disputes short if they wish to +save anything of their business, and look sharp, and "come to the +'osses." + +_Saturday, 13th_.--Strike over! We shall have to be in harness again +on Monday, and not a day too soon, in the interests of the men, the +Directors, the Public; and, last, but by no means least, specially +that of "the 'osses." + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + +"OLD TO-MORROW." + +THE RIGHT HON. SIR JOHN ALEXANDER MACDONALD, LATE PREMIER OF CANADA. + + Punch sympathises with Canadian sorrow + For him known lovingly as "OLD TOMORROW." + Hail to "the Chieftain!" He lies mute to-day, + But Fame still speaks for him, and shall for aye. + "To-morrow--and to-morrow!" SHAKSPEARE sighs. + So runs the round of time! Man lives and dies. + But death comes not with mere surcease of breath + To such as him. "The road to dusty death" + Not "all his yesterdays." have lighted. Nay! + Canada's "OLD TO-MORROW" lives to-day + In unforgetting hearts, and nothing fears + The long to-morrow of the coming years. + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, Wednesday, May 28th_.--Great doings here to-day. For +weeks past all the Conservative Ladies of Billsbury have been hard at +work, knitting, sewing, painting, embroidering, patching, quilting, +crocheting, and Heaven knows what besides, for the Bazaar in aid of +the Conservative Young Men's Club and Coffee-Room Sustentation Fund. +You couldn't call at any house in Billsbury without being nearly +smothered in heaps of fancy-work of every kind. When I was at the +PENFOLDS' on Monday afternoon, the drawing-room was simply littered +with bonnets and hats, none of them much larger than a crown piece, +which Miss PENFOLD had been constructing. She tried several of them +on, in order to get my opinion as to their merits. She looked very +pretty in one of them, a cunning arrangement of forget-me-nots and +tiny scraps of pink ribbon. Mother promised some time ago to open the +Bazaar, though she assured me she had never done such a thing before, +and added that I must be sure to see that the doors moved easily, as +new doors were so apt to stick, and she didn't know what she should +do if she had to struggle over the opening. I comforted her by telling +her she would only have to say a few brief words on a platform, +declaring the Bazaar open. For the last week I have had a letter from +her by absolutely every post, sending draft speeches for my approval. +After much consideration I selected one of these, which I returned to +her. I heard from home that she was very busily occupied for some time +in learning it by heart. When cook came for orders in the morning, she +was forced to listen while Mother said over the speech to her. Cook +was good enough to express a high opinion of its beauties. + +Yesterday evening Mother arrived, with the usual enormous amount of +luggage, including the inevitable _Carlo_. After dinner I heard her +repeat the speech, which went off very well. This is it:--"Ladies +and Gentlemen, I am so pleased to be here to-day, and to have the +opportunity of helping the dear Conservative cause in Billsbury. I am +sure you are all so anxious to buy as many of these lovely things as +you can, and I therefore lose no time in declaring the Bazaar open." +Simple, but efficient. + +The opening to-day was fixed for 2:30, the Bazaar being held in the +large room of the Assembly Rooms, which had been arranged to represent +an Old English Tillage. At one o'clock Colonel and Mrs. CHORKLE, +Alderman and Mrs. TOLLAND, and one or two others, lunched with us, and +afterwards we all drove off together in a procession of carriages. I +insisted on _Carlo_ being left behind, locked up in Mother's bed-room, +with a dish of bones to comfort him, and an old dress of Mother's to +lie on. That old dress has been devoted to _Carlo_ for the last two +years, and no amount of persuasion will induce _Carlo_ to take another +instead. We tried him with a much better one a short time ago, but +he was furious, tore it to ribbons and refused his food until his old +disreputable dress had been restored to him. + +The Bazaar proceedings began with a short prayer delivered by the +Bishop of BRITISH GUIANA, an old Billsbury Grammar-School boy, who +was appointed to the bishopric a month ago. Everybody is making a +tremendous fuss about him here of course. As soon as the prayer was +over, Colonel CHORKLE rose and made what he would call one of his +"'appiest hefforts." The influence of lovely woman, Conservative +principles, devotion to the Throne, the interests of the Conservative +Young Men's Sustentation Fund, all mixed up together like a hasty +pudding. Then came the moment for Mother. First, however, WILLIAMINA +HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE had to be removed outside for causing a +disturbance. Her father's speech so deeply affected this intelligent +infant, who had come under the protection of her nurse, that she burst +out into a loud yell and refused to be comforted. The Colonel's face +was a study--a mixture of drum-head Courts-martial and Gatling guns. +Mother got through with her little speech all right. As a matter +of fact she read it straight off a sheet of paper, having finally +decided that her memory was too treacherous. We both set to work and +bought an incredible amount of things. After half an hour I found +myself in possession of six bonnets made by Miss PENFOLD, three +knitted waistcoats, four hand-painted screens, two tea-tables also +hand-painted, a lady's work-basket, three fancy shawls, a set of glass +studs and a double perambulator, which I won in a raffle. Mother got +three dog-collars, a set of shaving materials (won in a raffle), +two writing cases, five fans, two pictures by a local artist, four +paper-knives, two carved cigar-boxes, a set of tea things, and five +worked table-covers. + +When we got back, we found that _Carlo_ had nearly gnawed his way +through the bed-room door, and was growling horribly at the boots and +the chambermaid through the keyhole. Charming dog! + + * * * * * + +SIMIAN TALK. + + Professor GARNERS, in the _New Review_ + Tells us that "Apes can talk." _That's_ nothing new; + Reading much "Simian" literary rot, + One only wishes that our "Apes" could _not_! + + * * * * * + +THE NEW TALE OF A TUB; OR, THE NOT-AT-HOME SECRETARY AND THE +LAUNDRESSES. + +[Illustration: "CAN'T SEE YOU NOW, I'M WASHING--MYSELF." + +"The Women are crying out for the protection of the Factory Acts, +which has hitherto been denied them, and which the Home Secretary +declines to pledge the Government to support."--_Daily Telegraph, +Friday, June 12th._] + +_London Laundry-woman, to her Tub-mate, loquitur_:-- + + They tell us the Tub is humanity's friend, and that Cleanliness is of + closest kin + To all things good. By the newest gospel 'tis held that Dirt is the + friend of Sin. + Well, I'm not so sure that the world's far wrong in that Worship of + Washing that's all the rage; + But we, its priestesses, sure might claim a cleanly life and a decent + wage! + + Listen, BET, from your comfortless seat on the turned-up pail,--if + you've got the time; + Isn't it queer that Society's cleansers must pass their lives amidst + muck and grime? + Spotless flannels no doubt are nice--and snowy linen is "swell" and sweet, + But steaming reek is around our heads, and trickling foulness about our + feet. + + If the dainty ladies whose linen we lave, we laundress drudges, could + look in _here_, + Wouldn't their feet shrink back with sickness, and wouldn't their faces + go pale with fear? + White, well-ironed, all sheen and sweetness, that linen looks when it + leaves our hands; + But they little think of the sodden squalor that marks the den where + the laundress stands. + + Scrub, scrub, scrub, at the reeking tub, for eighteen hours at a + stretch, perchance, + Till our bowed backs ache, and our knuckles smart, and the lights through + the steam like spectres dance; + Ankle-deep in the watery sludge, where the tile is loose or the drainage + blocked! + Oh, I haven't a doubt that the dainty dames--if they only knew!--would be + sorely shocked. + + Typhoid! Terribly menacing word, the whisper of which would destroy our + trade; + But dirt, and damp, and defective drainage will raise that ghost on a + world afraid; + And at thirty years our strength is sapped by insidious siege of the + stifling fume, + Or what if we linger a little longer? Scant rays of comfort such life + illume. + + Grievances, BET? Well, I make no doubt that the world of idlers is + sorely sick + Of the moans and groans of the likes of us. When the whip, the needle, + the spade, the pick, + Are all on strike for a higher wage, 'tis a worry, of course, to the + well-to-do, + And a sleek Home-Sec, must "decline to pledge" support official to me + and you. + + Of course, of course! Who are we, my dear, to bother the big-wigs and + stir their bile? + Why, it's all along of our "discontent," and the Agitator's insidious + guile. + But Labour, BET, is agog just now to revise the old one-sided pacts, + And even a Laundress may have an eye to the benefit of the Factory Acts. + + Those bad, bad 'Busmen, BET my girl, claim shorter hours, and a longer + pay; + Just think of such for the Slaves of the Tub! Why should we women not + have our say + In the Park o' Sunday, like DAN the Docker, or TOM the Tailor, or WILL + the "Whip"? + The Tub and the Ironing-board appear to have got a chance--which they + mustn't let slip: + + An Object Lesson in Laundress Labour, may move the callous and shame + the quiz. + We dream of "Washing as well it might be"; we'll show them "Washing as + now it is." + _We_ know it, BET, in the sodden wet and the choking fume; with the + aching back, + The long, long hours, and the typhoid taint, the inverted pail and the + hurried snack. + + There may--who knows?--be hope for us yet, for you and me, BET! Just + think o' that! + Oh, I know it is hard to believe it, my girl. The Sweater's strong, and + appeal falls flat + On official ears; and fine-lady fears, and household hurry against us go; + But "evil is wrought by want of thought." says some poet, I think;--so + we'll let them _know_! + + Ah! snowy sheets and sweet lavender scent of the dear old days in my + village home! + The breadths of linen a-bleach on the grass! How little I thought that + to this I'd come + Grand ladies of old to their laundry looked, and the tubs were white, + and the presses fair; + Now we cleansers clean in the midst of dirt, in a dank, dark den, with + a noisome air. + + Sometimes I dream till the clouds of steam take the shadowy form of a + spectral thing, + A tyrant terror that threatens our lives, whilst we rub and scrub, whilst + we rinse and wring. + Well, cheer up, BET, girl, stiffen your lip, and straighten your back. + You have finished your grub, + So to work once more; if our champions score, we _may_ find a new end to + this Tale of a Tub! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CURE FOR INFLUENZA. + +_Major O'Gourmand_. "SURE, ME DOCTHOR SAID A GLASS OR TWO OF DRY +CHAMPAGNE'LL DO ME GOOD! BEGORRAH, THE BOTTLE'S DRY ENOUGH BY THIS TIME!"] + + * * * * * + +STRIKING INTELLIGENCE.--A PAGE FROM A LONDONER'S DIARY. + +_Sunday_.--Can scarcely believe the news! What, no omnibuses! A +strike! What _shall_ we do? Fortunately always go to church on foot, +so no loss in that. Then subsequent parade in the Park--don't require +an omnibus for that, either. At the end of the day, can say that, take +one thing with another, state of affairs more comfortable than might +have been anticipated. + +_Monday_.--Dreaded continuance of strike, but found, practically, +little inconvenience. Had to walk to the office, and enjoyed the +promenade immensely. Had no idea that a stroll along the Embankment +was so delightful. After all, one can exist without omnibuses--at +least, for a time. + +_Tuesday_.--Find that people who were at their wits' end at the mere +suggestion of a strike, are becoming reconciled to the situation. +Streets certainly pleasanter without the omnibuses. Great, lumbering +conveyances, filling up the road, and stopping the traffic! London +looks twice as well without them! Tradesmen, too, say that the shops +are just as well attended now as when the two great Companies were in +full swing. + +_Wednesday_.--Can't see what the omnibus people (both sides--Directors +and _employes_) are quarrelling about. No matter of mine, and the +Public are only too glad for a chance of a good walk. Fifty per cent. +better since I have been obliged to give up the morning 'bus. Asked +to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. Certainly +not, the longer the strike lasts the worse for the Public. + +_Thursday_.--Really the present state of affairs is delightful. I +have to thank the deadlock for teaching me to patronise the river +steamboats. Pleasant journey from Vauxhall to the Temple for a penny! +No idea that the Thames was so pretty at Westminster. View of the +Houses of Parliament and the Embankment capital. + +_Friday_.--Strike continues. Well I do not complain. Hired a hansom +and find that considering the cab takes you up to door, it is really +cheaper in the long run. If you use an omnibus, you get jolted, and +run a chance of smashing your hat. If it rains you get splashed and +having to finish your journey on foot, you might just as well have +walked the whole way. + +_Saturday_.--Strike arranged to cease on Monday! This is too much! +Just as we were getting comfortable, all the disgusting lumbering old +omnibuses are to come back again! It ought not to be allowed. Asked +to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. Certainly, +the longer the strike lasts the better for the Public. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?!! + +_First Slender Invalid_. "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT A BEASTLY THING THIS +INFLUENZA IS, EH? I'M JUST GETTING OVER IT." + +_His Wasting Friend_. "AH! YOU'RE RIGHT, MY BOY! I'VE HAD IT TOO, AND +THE WORST OF IT IS, IT _PULLS A FELLOW DOWN_ SO FEARFULLY!!"] + + * * * * * + +EXPLANATIONS A LA MODE. + +(_A PROPHETIC FORECAST, BY A PROFESSIONAL PESSIMIST._) + +1891. The Leader of the House explains, in answer to a question, that +no understanding exists between England and any Foreign country. No +treaty is in contemplation, and never has been suggested on either +side. + +1892. The Government repeats that England is absolutely free from any +international engagements. It must not be thought for a moment that a +single battalion will be moved, or a solitary vessel dispatched abroad +with warlike intentions. + +1893. The Representative of the Cabinet once more denies the +suggestion that, under any consideration whatever, will England +bind herself to accept European responsibility. This has been said +constantly for the last three years, and the Representative of +the Cabinet is not only surprised but pained at these frequent and +embarrassing interrogations. + +1894. Once more, and for the last time, the PREMIER insists that +whatever may happen abroad, England will be free from interference. +It has been the policy of this great country for the last four years +to steer clear of all embarrassing international complications. The +other Great Powers are perfectly aware that, under no circumstances +whatever, will our Army and Fleet be employed in taking part in +the quarrels of our neighbours. The entire Cabinet are grieved at +questions so frequently put to them--questions that are not only +disquieting abroad, but a slur upon the intentions of men whose sole +duty is the safety and peace of the British Empire. + +1895. General European War--England in the midst of it! + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +BEFORE THE MECHANICAL MODELS. + +A SKETCH AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION. + + SCENE--_The Grounds. A string of Sightseers discovered passing + slowly in front of a row of glazed cases containing small + mechanical figures, which are set in motion in the usual + manner._ + +BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING A DYING CHILD. + +_A Gallant Swain_. That's the kid in bed, yer see. Like to see it die, +POLLY, eh? A penny does it. + +_Polly_ (_with a giggle_). Well, if it ain't _too_ 'arrowing. (_The +penny is dropped in, and the mechanical mother is instantly agitated +by the deepest maternal anxiety._) That's the mother kneeling by the +bed, I suppose--she do pray natural. There's the child waking up--see, +it's moving its 'ed. (_The little doll raises itself in bed, and then +falls back lifeless._) Ah, it's gone--look at the poor mother 'idin' +her face. + +_The G.S._ Well, it's all over. Come along and see something more +cheerful. + +_Polly_. Wait a bit--it isn't 'alf over yet. There's a angel got to +come and carry her away fust--there, the door's opening, that'll be +the angel come for it, I expect. (_Disappointed._) No, it's only +the doctor. (_A jerky and obviously incompetent little medical +practitioner puts his head in at the door, and on being motioned back +by the bereaved mother, retires with more delicacy than might have +been expected._) Well, he might ha' seen for himself if the child +_was_ dead! (_The back of the bed disappears, disclosing a well-known +picture of an angel flying upwards with a child._) I did think they'd +have a real angel, and not only a picture of one, and anyone can see +it's a different child--there's the child in bed just the same. I call +that a take-in! + +_The G.S._ I dunno what more you expect for a penny. + +_A Person on the Outskirts_ (_eagerly to Friend_). What happened? What +is it? I couldn't make it out over all the people's shoulders. + +_His Friend_. Dying child--not half bad either. You go and put in a +penny, and you'll see it well enough. + +_The P. on the O._ (_indignantly_). What, put in a penny for such +rubbish? Not me! + + [_He hangs about till someone else provides the necessary + coin._ + +_A Softhearted Female_. No, I couldn't stand there and look on. I +never _can_ bear them pathetic subjects. I felt just the same +with that picture of the Sick Child at the Academy, you know. +(_Meditatively._) And you don't have to put a penny in for _that_, +either. + +BEFORE ANOTHER BEDROOM SCENE REPRESENTING "THE DRUNKARD'S DELIRIUM." + +_First Woman_. That's 'im in bed, with the bottle in his 'and. He +likes to take his liquor comfortable, _he_ do. + +_Second Woman_. He's very neat and tidy, considering ain't he? I +wonder what his delirium is like. 'Ere, ROSY, come and put your penny +in as the gentleman give yer. (_ROSY, aged six, sacrifices her penny, +under protest._) Now, you look--you can't think what pretty things +you'll see. + + [_The little wooden drunkard sits up, applies the bottle to + his mouth, and sinks back contentedly; a demon, painted a + pleasing blue, rises slowly by his bed-side: the drunkard + takes a languid interest in him; the demon sinks._ + +_A Gentleman with a bloated complexion_ (_critically_). 'Ooever +did that--well, I dessay he's a very clever man, +but--(_compassionately_)--he don't know much about 'orrors, _he_ +don't! + +_A Facetious Friend. You_ could ha' told him a thing or two, eh, JIM? + +_The Bloated Gentleman_ (_contemptuously_). Well, if I never 'ad them +wuss than _that_! + + [_A small skeleton, in a shroud, looks in at the door._ + +_The F.F._ 'Ullo, 'ere's the King o' Terrors for yer! (_ROSY shows +signs of uneasiness; a blue demon comes out of a cupboard._) 'Ere's +another of 'em--quite a little party he's 'aving! + +_A Gentleman, in a white tie_ (_as the machinery stops_). Well, a +thing like this does more real good than many a temperance tract. + +_The Bloated G._ Yer right there, Guv'nor--it's bin a lesson to _me_, +I know that. 'Ere, will you come and 'ave a whiskey-sour along of me +and my friend 'ere'? + +BEFORE A MODEL REPRESENTING AN EXECUTION. + +_A Daughter_. But _why_ won't you 'put a penny into this one, Father? + +_The Father_ (_firmly_). Because I don't approve of Capital +Punishment, my dear. + +_A Cultivated Person_. An execution--"put a penny in; bell +tolls--gates open--scaffold shown with gallows. Executioner pulls +bolt--black flag"--dear, dear--most degrading, shocking taste! (_To +his Friend._) Oh, of course, I'll wait, if you want to see it--not got +a penny? Let me see--yes, _I_ can lend you one. (_He does; the penny +is put in--nothing happens._) Out of order, I suppose--scandalous! and +nobody to speak to about it--_most_ discreditable! Stop--what's +this? (_A sort of woolly beat is audible inside the prison; the C.P. +beams._) That's the bell tolling--it's all right, it's working! [_It +works._ + +_Another Spectator_. Very well done, that was--but they 'urried it +over a little too quick. I scarcely saw the man 'ung at all! + +_His Companion_. Put in another penny, and p'raps you'll see him cut +down, old chap. + +BEFORE THE FAIRY FORTUNE-TELLER'S GROTTO. + +_Susan Jane_ (_to her Soldier_.) Oh, ain't that pretty? I should like +to know what _my_ fortune is. [_She feels in her pocket._ + +_The Soldier_ (_who disapproves of useless expenditure_). Ain't you +put in enough bloomin' pennies? + +_Susan Jane_. This is the last. (_Reads Directions_.) Oh, you've got +to set the finger on the dial to the question you want answered, and +then put your penny in. What shall I ask her? + +_Soldier_. Anyone would think you meant to go by the answer, to hear +you talk! + +_Susan Jane_. P'raps I do. (_Coquettishly, as she sets the index to a +printed question._) Now, you mustn't look. I won't 'ave _you_ see what +I ask! + +_Soldier_ (_loftily_). _I_ don't want to look, I tell yer--it's +nothing to me. + +_Susan Jane_. But you _are_ looking--I saw you. [_A curious and deeply +interested crowd collects around them._ + +_Soldier_. Honour bright, I ain't seen nothing. Are you going to be +all night over this 'ere tomfoolery? + + [_SUSAN JANE puts in a penny, blushing and tittering; a faint + musical tinkle is heard from the case, and the little fairies + begin to revolve in a solemn and mystic fashion; growing + excitement of crowd. A pasteboard bower falls aside, revealing + a small disc on which a sentence is inscribed._ + +_Person in Crowd_ (_reading slowly over SUSAN JANE's shoulder_). +"Yus; 'e is treuly worthy of your love." + +_Crowd_ (_delighted_). That's worth a penny to know, _ain't_ it, Miss? +_Your_ mind's easy now! It's the soldier she was meanin'. Ah,_'e_ +ought to feel satisfied too, after that! &c., &c. [_Confusion of +SUSAN JANE._ + +_Soldier_ (_as he departs with S.J._). Well, yer know, there's +something _in_ these things, when all's said! + +IN DEPARTING. + +_A Pleased Pleasure-seeker_. Ah, that's something like, that is! I've +seen the 'Aunted Miser, and the Man with the 'Orrors, and a Execution, +and a Dyin' Child--they do make you _larf_, yer know! + +_Second P.P._ Yes, it's a pity the rest o'the Exhibition ain't more +the same style, to my thinking! + +_A Captious Critic_. Well, they don't seem to me to 'ave much to do +with anything _naval_. + +_His Companion_. Why, it comes under machinery, don't it? You're so +bloomin' particular, you are! Wouldn't touch a glass o' beer 'ere, +unless it was brewed with salt-water, I suppose! Well, come on, +then--there's a bar 'andy! + + [_They adjourn for refreshment._ + + * * * * * + +PROVERBS PRO OMNIBUS.--Directly the Chairman of the General Omnibus +Company observed that if the men's demands were conceded the fares +would have to be raised, there was a rush to be the first out with +the old proverb about Penny wise and Pound foolish. However, "In for a +penny" remains as heretofore, the _employes_ having successfully gone +"in for a Pound." Let them now "take care of the pence," and they may +feel well assured that this particular POUND will be able to take care +of himself. Well, farewell the tranquillity of the streets of last +week! Henceforth not "chaos," but "'Bus 'os," has come again! + + * * * * * + +NOLENS VOLENS. + +[Illustration] + +Dear MR. PUNCH,--I hear that some people are in a great state of mind +lest some blessed Bill brought in by the Government, should "destroy +Voluntary Schools." What howling bosh! Why, there _are no_ Voluntary +Schools! No, they're all Compulsory, confound 'em! or who'd attend +'em? Not Yours disgustedly, + +A HUMAN BOY. + + * * * * * + +MR. WELLER & CO., AND THE 'BUS STRIKE.--Mr. SUTHERST seems to occupy, +as towards the 'Bus-drivers, a similar position to that filled by the +eminent _Mr. Solomon Pell_, the general adviser, and man of business +to the Elder _Mr. Weller_, and his professional coaching brethren. It +is to be hoped that the _Solomon Pell_ of the 'Bus-drivers has been +treated as liberally as was the real _Mr. Pell_, the friend of the +LORD CHANCELLOR, by _Mr. Weller_ Senior, the Mottle-faced Man, and +others. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +The most interesting book, one of the Baron's Retainers ("blythe and +gay,") has read this year is, _The Life of Laurence Oliphant_. If it +were not written by a reputable person, and published by so eminently +respectable a house as BLACKWOOD's, there would be difficulty about +accepting it as a true story of the life of a man whom some of us +knew, as lately living in London, wearing a frock coat, and even a +tall hat of cylindrical shape. Such a mingling of shrewd business +qualities and March madness as met in LAURENCE OLIPHANT is surely a +new thing. A man of gentle birth, of high culture, of wide experience, +of supreme ability, and, strangest of all, with a keen sense of +humour--that such an one should voluntarily step down from high social +position at the bidding of a vulgar, selfish, self-seeking, and, +according to some hints dropped here and there, grossly immoral man, +should, at beck of his fat forefinger, go forth to a strange land +to live amid sordid circumstances, and with uncongenial company, to +work as a common, farm-labourer, to peddle strawberries at a railway +station, passes belief. With respect to Mr. HARRIS, one feels inclined +to quote _Betsy Prig's_ remark touching one who may, peradventure, +have been a maternal relation. "I don't believe," said _Betsy_, +"there's no sich a person." But there was, and, stranger still, +there was a LAURENCE OLIPHANT to bend the knee to him. Not the least +striking thing in a book of rare value is the manner in which Mrs. +OLIPHANT has acquitted herself in a peculiarly difficult task. No man +would have had the restraining patience necessary to deal with the +HARRIS episodes as she has done. + +The Assistant Reader has been refreshing himself with _Lapsus Calami_, +by J.K.S., published by MACMILLAN and BOWES. It is a booklet of light +verse, containing here and there some remarkably brilliant pieces +of satire and parody. The first of two parodies of ROBERT BROWNING +is unsurpassable for successful audacity. The last poem in the book +is "An Election Address," written for, but apparently not used by, +the present POSTMASTER-GENERAL, when he was Candidate for Cambridge +University, in 1882. He says of himself, after confessing to a dislike +for literature and science,-- + + "But I have fostered, guided, planned + Commercial enterprise; in me + Some ten or twelve directors, and + Six worthy chairmen you may see." + +All the pieces are not so good as those cited--that would be too much +to expect--but "get it," say + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +MORTUARY. + + ANDREW LANGUAGE--no, LANG!--who the classics is pat in, + Suggests to our writers, as test of their "style," + Just to turn their equivocal prose into Latin, + As DRYDEN did. Truly the plan makes one smile! + Reviewers find Novelists' nonsense much weary 'em. + Writers of twaddle + Take DRYDEN a model-- + Turn your books into some great "_dead_ language"--and _bury_ 'em! + + * * * * * + +WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN TOLD DOWN EAST; + +_OR, A MAUVAIS JEW D'ESPRIT._ + +Will you, if you please, point out to me the way to the streets which, +I am told, are paved with gold? + +Where shall I find the employer of labour who, I have been told, will +instantly get me occupation at a wage of 60 roubles the week? + +Dear me! in this, then, your "White Chapel"? I was told it was a +luxurious quarter, famous for its Palaces. + +Surely this horrid den is not one of your model work-rooms? I was told +that such things existed only in Russia! + +And are these people who are scowling at and cursing me your typical +working population? Why, I was told that I should find them dear +brothers, waiting to welcome us with open arms. + +And is this pittance you offer me all that you pay for making a coat? +I was told that it was quite twelve times as much as this. + +Ah! I'm afraid I have been told, and have given credit to, a great +many things to which I never should have listened at all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. + +_Lady Godiva de Rougepott_. "I DON'T THINK ANY PAINTING LOOKS WELL IN +THIS HORRID ELECTRIC LIGHT!" + +_Hostess_ (_nettled_). "DON'T YOU, DEAR? PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER TO +REMAIN IN THE DRAWING-ROOM, WHERE THE LAMPS AND SHADES ARE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION. + + "To the bi-monthly exhibition of the Royal Horticultural + Society the Marquis of SALISBURY sent a magnificent + collection--of strawberries especially. Mr. W.H. SMITH showed + specimens of the same luscious fruit, for which he received + the thanks of the Society."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +_Head-Gardener_ SM-TH _soliloquiseth_:-- + +OHO! my beauty! If _you_ don't get a fust prize, and "receive the +thanks of the Society" I'm a cowcumber! "The Fruits of Early Industry +and Economy." Title of a picture by that splendid sample of the +industrious and the economical, GEORGE MORLAND, I believe. Yes, that's +it. My Industry and G-SCH-N's Economy. + + We are a moral family; + We are, we are, we are! + +All the cardinal virtues bound in--ahem! no matter. + +Talk of the Gigantic Gooseberry! What is that apocryphal monstrosity +compared with this Brobdingnagian Berry? [_Sings._ + + Bravo, my "British Queen"! + Long live my "British Queen"! + Brave "British Queen"! + Send it victorious, + First-Prizer glorious, + Fill Rads censorious + With envious spleen! + +As you _will_, my Beauty! When did swaggering H-RC-RT's horticulture +produce such goodly fruits? Or sour-mug'd M-RL-Y's? Or leary L-BBY's? +Or Slawkenbergian M-ND-LLA's? Or even that of the Grand Old Grower, +GL-DST-NE himself, with all his fluent patter about British Pomona, +and the native Jam-pot? + +I know the badly-beaten lot maintain that the plant is a "Sport" from +an old purchase of their own. Bless you, they claim _all_ the good +stocks--always did. Who cares? My young floricultural friend, JOE +of Birmingham, who knows a bit about fruits as well as concerning +orchids, let me tell you,--JOE, I say, laughs their preposterous +pretensions to scorn. Look at G-SCH-N's own particular plant there--a +bit late, but very promising, and probably destined to take a prize +before the season's over. Didn't JOE recommend the stock to GL-DST-NE +years ago? And didn't the haughty Hawarden horticulturist turn up his +nose at it as an "Unauthorised" intruder upon his own Prize Programme? +And, more by token, didn't JOE get the hump in consequence, cut the +old connection, and set up on his own account in the forcing-house +line, with a friendly leaning to our firm? Aha! "_Hinc illae +lachrymae_," as the Guv'nor would say. Hence, also, this Colossal +Strawberry! + +Thanks of the Society? I should rayther think so! They may chaff +"OLD MORALITY" as much as they like--but morality _pays_, even in +strawberry-growing; and my duty to my (British) Queen has brought +about _this_ triumph. Early Industry started it, and careful +horticultural Economy brought it to its present pitch of perfection. +Look at it! Size, shape, sweetness, scent, all superb! If the Season +shouldn't produce another Prize-Winner, this alone ought to satisfy +SOLLY. And if G-SCH-N's seedling, "Gratis," _should_ turn out a +triumph later on, why we shall score tremendously. Wish G-SCH-N would +"sit up and snort" less, and smile more. Patience and plenty of sun! +That's the tip for a horticulturist. Standing at the door and shying +stones at your neighbour's glasshouses, won't make your own fruit +ripen, if GEORGE JOKIM could only see it. As H-RT D-KE says, _tu +quoques_ are a nuisance, and want fumigating off the face of the +earth. JOKIM and ARTHUR B-LF-R a bit too fond of 'em for _my_ fancy. +However, all the "you're anothers" on earth can't affect my Strawberry +now, thanks be! _The_ Fruit of the Season, though I say it who perhaps +shouldn't. + + (_Sings._) From "Greenlands" sunny garden, + And vista'd vitreous panes, + We mean to rival Hawarden, + In glories and in gains. + I have produced, Sweet WILL-I-AM, + This Giant Strawber-ry, + In horticultural skill I am + A match for W.G.! [_Left chortling._ + + * * * * * + +THE VERY LAST ON THE 'BUS STRIKE.--After the comparative quiet of last +week, the streets of London will now be as 'bussy as ever. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION. + +W.H. SM-TH (_Head Gardener and Prize Exhibitor_). "HAD TO NIP OFF A +LOT OF BLOOMS TO GET HIM UP TO THIS SIZE!!" + + "At the Bimonthly Exhibition of the Royal Horticultural + Society ... Mr. W.H. SMITH showed specimens of the same + luscious fruit"--strawberries--"for which he received the + thanks of the Society."--_Daily Telegraph_, Wednesday, June 10.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE. + +PORTRAIT OF A LITERARY FRIEND, WHO, LIVING IN A MAIN THOROUGHFARE, +WAS AN ARDENT SUPPORTER OF THE 'BUS STRIKE, SUBSCRIBED TO ITS FUNDS, +ADD HOPED IT MIGHT LONG CONTINUE. HE SAYS HE HASN'T HAD SUCH A QUIET +TIME WITH HIS BOOKS FOR YEARS. BUT ALAS! SINCE LAST SUNDAY HE HAS NOT +SMILED AGAIN.] + + * * * * * + +MRS. GINGHAM ON THE GREAT 'BUS QUESTION. + + "The demand for 'Buses is immensely stimulated by their + presence, and when they are no longer there, the people who + thought them indispensable get on very well indeed without + them.... Under the influence of penny fares, Londoners are + rapidly forgetting how to walk."--_The Times_. + + Ah! it's all very fine, my good Sir, whosomever you are as writes such, + But of decent poor folk and their needs it is plain as you do not know + much. + Which I ain't quite so young as I was, nor as light, nor as smart on my + feet, + And you may not know quite what it is to be out late o' night and dead + beat, + Out Islington way, arter ten, with a bundle, a child, and a cage, + As canaries is skeery at night, and a seven mile walk, at my age, + All along of no 'Bus to be had, love or money, and cabs that there dear, + And a stitch in my side and short breath, ain't as nice as you + fancy,--no fear! + Likeways look at my JOHN every morning, ah! rain, hail or shine, up to + town, + With no trams running handy, and corns! As I sez to my friend Mrs. BROWN, + Bless the 'Buses, I sez, they're a boon to poor souls, as must travel + at times, + And we can't _all_ keep kerridges neither, wus luck! Penny Fares ain't + no crimes, + If you arsk me, as did ought to know. Which my feelings I own it does rouge + To hear big-wigs a-sneering at 'Buses. There may be a bit of a scrouge, + And the smell of damp straw mixed with pep'mint ain't nice to a dalicot + nose, + Likeways neat "Oh be Joyful's" a thing as with orange and snuff hardly + goes. + But we ain't all rekerky nor rich, we can't all afford sixpence a mile, + And when we are old, late, and tired, or it's wet, we can't think about + _style_. + The 'Bus is the poor body's kerridge, young feller--and as for your talk + About not never missing a lift, or forgetting--dear sakes!--_how_ to walk, + And the nice quiet streets and all that; why it's clear _you_ ain't been + a poor clerk + With a precious small "screw," in wet weather. Ah! you wouldn't find it + no lark + With thin boots and a 'ard 'acking cough, and three mile every day to and + thro', + Or a puffy old woman like me, out at Witsuntide wisiting JOE, + (My young son in the greengrocer line); or a governess, peaky and pale, + As has just overslep herself slightly, and can't git by cab or by rail. + "Ugly lumbering wehicles?" Ah! and we're ugly and lumbering too, + A lot of us poor Penny 'Bus fares, as isn't high-born or true-blue. + But the 'Bus is our help. Wery like some do ride as had far better walk, + Whether tip-toppy swells or poor shop-girls. But all that is trumpery talk. + What I arsk is, why shouldn't the 'Buses be kept a bit reglar, like Cabs, + In the matter of fares and of distances? Oh, a old woman it crabs + To hear of Perprietors pinching pore fellers as drive or conduck, + While the "Pirates" play up merry mag with the poor helpless fare, as gets + stuck + Betwixt Dividend-grinders and Strikers? It ought to be altered, _I_ say. + Whilst they talk of what 'Bus-folk should earn, they forget the pore + Publick--who _pay_! + + * * * * * + +LE PRINCE S'AMUSE. + +_AN APOLOGETIC IDYL._ + + My life is held to be a round of Pleasures; + All I can say is, they who thus would rate it, + For life's delights have most peculiar measures: + For though in plainest English they don't state it, + 'Tis clear "no recreation" meets their views, + Or why that sneering cry, "_Le Prince s'amuse?_" + + Or do they think a Prince, without repining, + Foundation-stones unceasingly is laying, + Rewarded with a glut of public dining, + The pangs of hunger ever to be staying, + Is recreation such as he would choose? + If so--I understand "_Le Prince s'amuse!_" + + But how a world that notes his daily doings, + The everlasting round of weary function,-- + The health-returnings, speeches, interviewings. + Can grudge him some relief, without compunction, + Seems quite to me "another pair of shoes!" + Dyspeptic is that cry, "_Le Prince s'amuse!_" + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN BRIGAND. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM THE ADVENTURES OF A RANSOMED PRISONER._) + +I must confess I was agreeably surprised at the treatment to which I +was subjected by my capturers. Instead of being loaded with chains +and confined in a cell beneath the castle's moat, I was given perfect +liberty, and had quite a pleasant suite of rooms. I should scarcely +have known that I was in durance had not one of the less refined of +the brigands shown me a revolver, and playfully informed me that its +contents were intended for me if I attempted to escape. The Chief was +absolutely charming. He treated me in the most courteous manner, and +ended his first interview with me by requesting "the honour of my +company at dinner." + +"You need not dress!" he observed, "although I like to put on a +tail-coat myself. But I know that you have had some difficulty with +my people about your luggage, and so I shall be only too delighted to +excuse _grande tenue_." + +The "difficulty" to which my host referred was the seizing of my +portmanteau by the gang of thieves of which he was the acknowledged +head. I suggested that I might possibly recover some of its contents. + +"I am afraid not," returned the Chieftain. "You see my people are very +methodical, and by this time I fear all the goods will have been sold. +The motto of the Club is 'small profits and quick returns.' We find no +difficulty in trading. As we carry on business on the most economical +principles, we can quote prices even cheaper than the Stores." + +And this I found to be the case. Although the brigands were very civil +to me, I was unable to trace any of my property. However, as my host +in the kindest manner had allowed me to dispense with ceremony, I +ventured to appear at dinner-time in my ordinary tourist's dress. + +"I am delighted to see you," said the Chief, speaking English for +the first time, "as you are now my guest, I must confess that we are +fellow countrymen." + +"Indeed!" I replied, considerably astonished. "If you are really of +British nationality, how is it that I find you a professional thief?" + +"You are mistaken," returned the Chief. "I merely belong to a society +for the redistribution of capital. You know we are all balloted for, +and I was myself afraid that I might get pilled." + +"Indeed!" I exclaimed, in a tone of surprise. "Surely your +accomplishments--for I noticed, on my arrival, that you were a +first-rate hand at lawn tennis, and played the flute--would have +secured your admission?" + +"Well," he returned with a smile, "I fancy they helped me with the +Committee. But unhappily my antecedents were bad--I had made a +fortune on the London Stock Exchange, and my books were scarcely as +satisfactory as our bandit auditors could have desired them to be. +However they took a kindly view of the case, and allowed me to pass +through. But pardon me, I see your ransom has arrived. I am afraid I +must say good bye. A pleasant journey." + +And shaking me warmly by the hand, he helped me into the conveyance +that was to take me back to home and freedom. I have never seen him +since. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.--HARTINGTONIANA.] + + * * * * * + +A COY COLOSSUS. + +PARIS, _June 15_.--It is stated here, on no authority whatever, that +when the CZAR was recently visiting the French Exhibition at Moscow, +his Imperial Majesty was heard to remark, "This makes me desire to see +the Boulevards again." A visit of the ruler of Russia to Paris during +the Summer is therefore considered to be certain. An offensive and +defensive Alliance between the two countries is said to be on the +point of signature. + +A few evenings ago, in a low _cafe_ in Belleville, M. NOKASHIKOFF, who +left St. Petersburg lately to escape his creditors, and who conceived +the happy idea of raising a little money by walking to Paris in a sack +composed of the French and Russian national flags stitched together, +was entertained to supper by his Gallic admirers. The proceedings, +especially towards midnight, were very enthusiastic. Throughout the +festivities, constant cries of "_Vive l'Alliance Franco-Russe!_" were +raised. This incident is said to have placed the immediate signature +of the Treaty between the CZAR and President CARNOT beyond a doubt. + +Last evening a foreigner, who by appearance would have been taken for +a Muscovite, was walking along the asphalte, when he was surrounded +by a crowd of persons crying "_Vive la Russie!_" The foreigner seemed +both surprised and annoyed by these attentions, and at length began to +use his fists and his boots liberally on the ringleaders of the mob. +This treatment, however, seemed only to increase their Russophil +ardour, and the stranger was soon hoisted on to the shoulders of some +of his foremost admirers, struggling violently. On the arrival of a +gendarme, he explained that he was an English book-maker, and that +"this bloomin' mob of boot-lickers had taken him for a bloomin' +Russian!" The crowd shortly afterwards dispersed. The completion +of the formal alliance between France and Russia is considered less +certain than it was a few days ago. + +The Frenchman, M. TETE-BOIS, who recently attempted to walk on his +head from Paris to Moscow, in order to show the sympathy felt in +France for the Muscovite Empire, did not succeed in carrying out his +design. He was stopped shortly after crossing the Russian frontier, +imprisoned, and heavily ironed. After suffering in this way for +a week, he was told that he must leave Russian territory within +twenty-four hours, or else continue his journey to Siberia. On being +appealed to, the CZAR graciously extended the time given for quitting +Russia to forty-eight hours. This Imperial clemency has caused the +widest feeling of gratitude and satisfaction in France, and the +signature of the definitive Alliance between the two countries is +confidently expected at an exceedingly early date. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. + +(_Dedicated to Lord Chief Justice Coleridge._) + +"THE LORD ARCHBISHOP OF NOVA SCOTIA, PRELATE OF THE ORDER OF THE SUN," +CAUGHT CHEATING AT CARDS (HYPOTHETICALLY) BY THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, +AND TAKEN, INSTANTANEOUSLY, BY OUR ARTIST.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, June 8_.--I knew DYKE first when +(good many years ago now) as DIZZY's whip he hunted in couple with +ROWLAND WINN; then always called HART DYKE. Like many other young men +he has in interval lost his HART, and now known as Sir WILLIAM DYKE. +Curious thing, as SARK reminds me, how absorbent is the name of +WILLIAM. Quite probable that before _Black-Eyed Susan's_ friend came +prominently on the stage he had some other Christian name, sunk when +he was promoted to shadow of yard-arm. Certainly there is an equally +eminent man sitting opposite DYKE in House to-night, who like him is +"Sir WILLIAM" to the present generation, and was VERNON HARCOURT to an +elder one. + +DYKE, under whatever name, done excellently well to-night. Holding +comparatively minor appointment in Ministry, suddenly finds himself +in charge of principal measure of Session. Handicapped, moreover, with +recollections of time when he has uncompromisingly declared himself +against the very principle he now embodies in Bill, and invites House +to add to Statute Book. + +That was first hedge for DYKE to take, and he went over in plucky +style that threw the scorner off his trail. Didn't live in close +communication with DIZZY through six long years for nothing. Not +likely to forget what happened in very earliest days of Parliament +of 1874, when DIZZY for first time found himself not only in office +but in power. During election campaign DIZZY, speaking in the safety +of Buckinghamshire, had made some wild statement about easing the +chains of Ireland. Simply designed to gain Irish vote; forgotten as +soon as spoken. But ROBERT MONTAGU--where, by the way, is ROBERT +MONTAGU?--treasured these things up in his heart, and when DIZZY +appeared in the House, Leader of triumphant majority, asked him what +he was going to do about it? + +"It is sometime since the observations referred to were made," said +DIZZY, "and--er--a good deal has happened in the interval." + +DYKE, recalling and admitting his former statements on Free +Education, did not attempt to minimise their import. "But." he said, +button-holing House as it were, and treating it quite confidentially, +"the fact is we all change our minds." House laughed at this as it +had laughed at DIZZY seventeen years ago, and DYKE, absolved and +encouraged, went forward with his speech. + +Not a brilliant oration in any way; neither exordium nor peroration, +and the middle occasionally a little mixed. But a good sensible +straightforward speech, and if DYKE had done no more than show that +an important Ministerial measure could be explained within limit of an +hour, he would not have lived in vain. + +_Business done._--Education Bill introduced. + +_Tuesday_.--Nothing at first sight in personal appearance of HERBERT +THOMAS KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN that suggests a swan. Fancy I have heard +something of these birds being addicted to the habit of breaking +forth into song when convinced of approaching dissolution. That, I +suppose, is how the swan was suggested to the mind when just now, +KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN rose from behind Ministers, and began to chant his +threnody. Resolution on which Education Bill grafted brought up for +report stage; agreed to, and HART DYKE about to bring in his Bill. +Then from the back seat rose a sturdy yeoman figure, and a powerful +voice was uplifted in denunciation of the Bill and of a Ministry that +had betrayed the trust of the Conservative Party. It was, so the swan +sang, a step on the road to Socialism. He feared it had come to pass +that dangerous measures are more likely to emanate from the Treasury +Bench than from the Front Bench opposite. + +Liberals roared with delighted laughter and cheers; the Conservatives +sat glum and ill-at-ease. OLD MORALITY's white teeth gleamed with a +spasmodic smile. As for JOKIM he folded his arms, and bit his lips and +frowned. + +"What antiquated nonsense this is!" he muttered, "of course Free +Education is not a Conservative principle. They all protested against +it at the General Election. A year earlier I, who happened at the +time to be numbered in the Liberal ranks, put my back against the +wall, and, picturing the evils that would befall my country if its +institutions were thus demoralised, I said I would die before I would +lend a hand to free the schools. But you see, TOBY, _I haven't died_, +and that changes the whole situation. Not only enables me to retain +my place in Government bringing in Free Education, but permits +me, as CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, actually to find the means +for carrying out the system. Can't understand a fellow like this +KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN sticking to his principles when it becomes +expedient to swallow them. He's a disgrace to a family that counts +BRABOURNE as its head." + +[Illustration: "A Progressive Conservative." (_Vide Dod._)] + +"HUGESSEN's a good fellow," said ISAACSON; "wears well, but is +politically a fossil. Now _I'm_ a progressive Conservative, which I +think you'll find, TOBY, my boy, to be about the time of day." + +_Business done_.--Assisted Education Bill; firmly led up to table by +HART DYKE. + +_Wednesday_.--Lively fight round Deceased Wife's Sister Bill. Ascot +in vain held forth its attractions; supporters of the Bill hoped +opponents would go; opponents came down rather expecting HENEAGE's +virtue would have given way, and Ascot would have claimed him as its +own. But everybody there--MAKINS's men with long list of Amendments +warranted to keep things going till half-past five, when progress +must be reported, and chance of Bill for present Session lost. MAKINS +himself in high oratorical feather. OSBORNE-AP-MORGAN, having made a +proposition and subsequently withdrawn it, MAKINS, putting on severest +judicial aspect, observed, "It is all very well for the Right Hon. +and learned Gentleman to make a legal JONAH of himself and swallow his +opinions." + +"Bless us all!" cried ROWNTREE, looking on with blank amazement, +"MAKINS evidently thinks that JONAH swallowed the whale." Bill +seemed to shatter friendships and dissever old alliances. SQUIRE of +MALWOOD naturally at home in the fray, but rather startling to find +HOME SECRETARY running amuck at CHAMBERLAIN. MATTHEWS in his most +hoity-toity mood; quivered with indignation; thumped the table; shook +a forensic forefinger at the undesignedly offending JOSEPH, and, +generally, went on the rampage. As for HENEAGE, he filled up any +little pause in uproar by diving in and moving the Closure. Once, +whilst GEDGE was opposing an Amendment hostile to Bill, HENEAGE dashed +in with his Closure motion. GEDGE's face a study; mingled surprise, +indignation, and ineffable regret mantled his mobile front. + +[Illustration: "Bless us all!"] + +"To think," he said afterwards, "that just when I was coming to +HENEAGE's help with an argument founded on profound study and pointed +with legal lore, he should suddenly jump up, lower his head, and, as +it were, butt me in the stomach with the Closure. It is more than I +can at the moment comprehend." + +GEDGE so flurried that when Members returned, after Division on +Closure, he being, in accordance with the rule, seated and wearing his +hat, wanted to argue out the question with COURTNEY. + +"I submit, Sir," he said, "that the Hon. Member, in moving the +Closure, controverted Rule 186." + +The Chairman: "I think the Hon. Member can scarcely have read the +Rule." + +Mr. GEDGE: "I have read the Rule, Sir. This is what it says--" + +Chairman: "Order! Order!" and GEDGE subsided. + +Then TOMLINSON fortuitously turning up on Treasury Bench, joined in +conversation. But COURTNEY turned upon him with such a thunderous +cry of "Order! Order!" that TOMLINSON visibly shrivelled up, and his +sentence, like the unfinished window in ALLADIN's Tower, unfinished +must remain. + +Wrangling went on till a quarter past five, when TALBOT interposed, +and with most funereal manner moved to report progress. HENEAGE almost +mechanically lowered his head and had started to butt at TALBOT as +he had upset GEDGE when he was providentially stopped and convinced +that further struggle with obstruction was hopeless. So, Clause I. +agreed to, Bill talked out. MAKINS, growing increasingly delightful, +protested that a Bill that had been fifty years before the country, +was not to be rushed through the House on a Wednesday afternoon. +_Argal_, the more familiar the House is with the details of a measure, +the more necessary is it to debate it. + +_Business done_.--Marriage with a Deceased Wife's Sister. Banns again +objected to. + +_Saturday_, 1:25 A M.--Land Bill just through report stage. Nothing +left now but Third Reading. "Well, KNOX," said WINDBAG SEXTON, "that +will be our last opportunity, and we must make the most of it. In +meantime I think we've done pretty well. I'm especially pleased with +you. You're a boy of great promise. If anything happened to me--a +stray tack in the bench, or a pin maliciously directed, and the +wind-bag were to collapse--you'd do capitally, till I got it +repaired." + +WINDBAG JUNIOR blushed. As OLD MORALITY remarks, Ingenuous youth +delights in the Approbation of Seasoned Seniority. + +_Business done_.--Land at last--I mean Land Purchase Bill through at +last. + + * * * * * + +THE GENERAL OF THE FUTURE. + + SCENE--_Tent in rear of a Battle-field. Political Officer in + attendance upon Army, waiting for Military assistance._ + +_Political Officer_ (_impatiently_). Now then, Orderly, have you not +been able to secure a General for me? + +_Orderly_ (_saluting_). Beg pardon, Sir, but it's so difficult, since +they have passed that new Royal Warrant, to know which is which. + +_Pol. Off._ (_more impatiently_). Nonsense!--any General Officer will +do. _Ord_. Very good, Sir. + + [_Exit. Political Officer stamps his foot irritably, when + enter First General Officer, hurriedly._ + +_First Gen. Off._ Well, Sir, how can I assist you? + +_Pol. Off._ (_cordially_). Glad to see you, General. Fact is, +supposing we arrange a treaty, do you think it would be wise to +surrender the fortress on the right side of the river, if we retain +the redoubt near the wood as a basis of operations? You see-- + +_First Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Very sorry, but don't know +anything about it. + +_Pol. Off._ (_annoyed_). But aren't you a General? + +_First Gen. Off._ Certainly. General-Surgeon. Ta, ta! [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ Well of all the--(_Enter Second Gen. Off._) Well, Sir, +what is it? Who are you? + +_Second Gen. Off._ I am a General Officer, and I was told you required +my poor services. + +_Pol. Off._ So I do. The fact is, General, supposing we arrange a +treaty, do you think it wise for us to surrender the fortress-- + +_Second Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Alas! my dear friend, I fear I +can be of no help to you--it is entirely out of my line. + +_Pol. Off._ (_annoyed_). But aren't you a General? + +_Second Gen. Off._ Certainly. A General-Chaplain. Farewell, dear +friend. [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ Well of all the--(_Enter Third General Officer._) Well, +Sir, who and what are you? + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_briskly_). A General. Now then, look sharp! No +time to lose. Hear you require me. How can I help you? + +_Pol. Off._ (_aside_). Ah, this is the sort of man I want! (_Aloud._) +Well then, General, we are arranging a treaty, and I want your advice +about retaining a fortress on the right of the river-- + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Sorry. Can't help! Not my +province. Good bye! [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ (_shouting after him_). But aren't you a General? + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_voice heard in the distance_.) Yes. +General-Postman! + + [_Scene closes in upon political official language unfit for + publication._ + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL NOTES.--_Saturday Afternoon_.--Albert Hall jubilant. M. +PLANCON or PLANCON--the production of the "c" depending on the state +of his voice--was encored and "obliged again." So did Madame ALBANI, +who was in superb voice. But her accompanist, M. CARRODUS, who had +given us one violin _obbligato_, did _not_ obbligato again, and so +Madame sang, admirably of course, the ever-welcome "_Home, Sweet +Home_." GIULIA RAVOGLI gave her great _Orpheo_ song, and DRURIOLANUS, +practising courtly attitudes, as one preparing to receive a German +Emperor, smole beamingly on the gratified audience. At The Garden, +_Mireille_, revived on Wednesday last, hasn't much life in her, but +Miss EAMES charming. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, June 20, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13422.txt or 13422.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/4/2/13422/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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