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Fancy from several drinks had on the way, and the pace we + had to put into that last mile and a half, that something's up. + Turned into stall nice and comfortable, as usual.</p> + + <p><i>Sunday.</i>—Something is up with a vengeance. + Hoorooh! We're on strike. I don't know the rights of it, nor + don't care, as long as I have my bit of straw to roll in, and a + good feed twice a day. I wonder, by the way, if the fellow who + looks after my oats is "off." Past feeding time. Feel uneasy + about it. Hang it all, I would rather work for <i>my</i> + living, than be tied up here doing nothing without a feed! Ha! + here he is, thank goodness, at last. However, better late than + never. Capital fun this strike.</p> + + <p><i>Monday.</i>—Am sent out in a loyal omnibus. Hooted + at and frightened with brickbats. Felt half inclined to shy. + Halloa! what's this? Hit on the ribs with a paving-stone. Come, + I won't stand this. Kick and back the 'bus on to the pavement. + All the windows smashed by Company's men. Passengers get out. + Somebody cuts the traces, and I allow myself to be led back to + the stables. Don't care about this sort of fun. However, feed + all right.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Hear that the men want thirteen and + sixpence a day and a seven hours' turn. Directors offer five + and sixpence, and make the minimum seventeen hours. Go it, my + hearties! Fight away! Who cares? You must feed <i>me</i>, + that's quite certain. Still I don't care about being cooped up + here all day. Nasty feeling of puffiness about the knees. Hang + the strike!</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Puffiness worse. Vet. looks in and + says I want exercise. Take a bolus and am walked for half an + hour or so up and down some back-streets. Bless + them!—that ain't no good.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—Puffiness worse, of course. Bother it + all, being shut up here! What wouldn't I give just for a sight + of dear old Piccadilly! The fact is, if they don't soon let me + have my run from King's Cross to Putney, I shall "bust + up"—and that's a fact. I feel it.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—Ah, they may well come to terms! + Another day of this, and I believe I should have been off the + hooks "for ever and for aye." It's all very well for Capital + and Labour to get at loggerheads, but, as DUCROW said, they + must cut all their disputes short if they wish to save anything + of their business, and look sharp, and "come to the + 'osses."</p> + + <p><i>Saturday, 13th</i>.—Strike over! We shall have to + be in harness again on Monday, and not a day too soon, in the + interests of the men, the Directors, the Public; and, last, but + by no means least, specially that of "the 'osses."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN MEMORIAM.</h2> + + <h3>"OLD TO-MORROW."</h3> + + <h4>THE RIGHT HON. SIR JOHN ALEXANDER MACDONALD, LATE PREMIER + OF CANADA.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Punch sympathises with Canadian sorrow</p> + + <p>For him known lovingly as "OLD TOMORROW."</p> + + <p>Hail to "the Chieftain!" He lies mute to-day,</p> + + <p>But Fame still speaks for him, and shall for + aye.</p> + + <p>"To-morrow—and to-morrow!" SHAKSPEARE + sighs.</p> + + <p>So runs the round of time! Man lives and dies.</p> + + <p>But death comes not with mere surcease of breath</p> + + <p>To such as him. "The road to dusty death"</p> + + <p>Not "all his yesterdays." have lighted. Nay!</p> + + <p>Canada's "OLD TO-MORROW" lives to-day</p> + + <p>In unforgetting hearts, and nothing fears</p> + + <p>The long to-morrow of the coming years.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Billsbury, Wednesday, May 28th</i>.—Great doings + here to-day. For weeks past all the Conservative Ladies of + Billsbury have been hard at work, knitting, sewing, painting, + embroidering, patching, quilting, crocheting, and Heaven knows + what besides, for the Bazaar in aid of the Conservative Young + Men's Club and Coffee-Room Sustentation Fund. You couldn't call + at any house in Billsbury without being nearly smothered in + heaps of fancy-work of every kind. When I was at the PENFOLDS' + on Monday afternoon, the drawing-room was simply littered with + bonnets and hats, none of them much larger than a crown piece, + which Miss PENFOLD had been constructing. She tried several of + them on, in order to get my opinion as to their merits. She + looked very pretty in one of them, a cunning arrangement of + forget-me-nots and tiny scraps of pink ribbon. Mother promised + some time ago to open the Bazaar, though she assured me she had + never done such a thing before, and added that I must be sure + to see that the doors moved easily, as new doors were so apt to + stick, and she didn't know what she should do if she had to + struggle over the opening. I comforted her by telling her she + would only have to say a few brief words on a platform, + declaring the Bazaar open. For the last week I have had a + letter from her by absolutely every post, sending draft + speeches for my approval. After much consideration I selected + one of these, which I returned to her. I heard from home that + she was very busily occupied for some time in learning it by + heart. When cook came for orders in the morning, she was forced + to listen while Mother said over the speech to her. Cook was + good enough to express a high opinion of its beauties.</p> + + <p>Yesterday evening Mother arrived, with the usual enormous + amount of luggage, including the inevitable <i>Carlo</i>. After + dinner I heard her repeat the speech, which went off very well. + This is it:—"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so pleased to be + here to-day, and to have the opportunity of helping the dear + Conservative cause in Billsbury. I am sure you are all so + anxious to buy as many of these lovely things as you can, and I + therefore lose no time in declaring the Bazaar open." Simple, + but efficient.</p> + + <p>The opening to-day was fixed for 2:30, the Bazaar being held + in the large room of the Assembly Rooms, which had been + arranged to represent an Old English Village. At one o'clock + Colonel and Mrs. CHORKLE, Alderman and Mrs. TOLLAND, and one or + two others, lunched with us, and afterwards we all drove off + together in a procession of carriages. I insisted on + <i>Carlo</i> being left behind, locked up in Mother's bed-room, + with a dish of bones to comfort him, and an old dress of + Mother's to lie on. That old dress has been devoted to + <i>Carlo</i> for the last two years, and no amount of + persuasion will induce <i>Carlo</i> to take another instead. We + tried him with a much better one a short time ago, but he was + furious, tore it to ribbons and refused his food until his old + disreputable dress had been restored to him.</p> + + <p>The Bazaar proceedings began with a short prayer delivered + by the Bishop of BRITISH GUIANA, an old Billsbury + Grammar-School boy, who was appointed to the bishopric a month + ago. Everybody is making a tremendous fuss about him here of + course. As soon as the prayer was over, Colonel CHORKLE rose + and made what he would call one of his "'appiest hefforts." The + influence of lovely woman, Conservative principles, devotion to + the Throne, the interests of the Conservative Young Men's + Sustentation Fund, all mixed up together like a hasty pudding. + Then came the moment for Mother. First, however, WILLIAMINA + HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE had to be removed outside for causing a + disturbance. Her father's speech so deeply affected this + intelligent infant, who had come under the protection of her + nurse, that she burst out into a loud yell and refused to be + comforted. The Colonel's face was a study—a mixture of + drum-head Courts-martial and Gatling guns. Mother got through + with her little speech all right. As a matter of fact she read + it straight off a sheet of paper, having finally decided that + her memory was too treacherous. We both set to work and bought + an incredible amount of things. After half an hour I found + myself in possession of six bonnets made by Miss PENFOLD, three + knitted waistcoats, four hand-painted screens, two tea-tables + also hand-painted, a lady's work-basket, three fancy shawls, a + set of glass studs and a double perambulator, which I won in a + raffle. Mother got three dog-collars, a set of shaving + materials (won in a raffle), two writing cases, five fans, two + pictures by a local artist, four paper-knives, two carved + cigar-boxes, a set of tea things, and five worked + table-covers.</p> + + <p>When we got back, we found that <i>Carlo</i> had nearly + gnawed his way through the bed-room door, and was growling + horribly at the boots and the chambermaid through the keyhole. + Charming dog!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Simian Talk.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Professor GARNERS, in the <i>New Review</i></p> + + <p>Tells us that "Apes can talk." <i>That's</i> nothing + new;</p> + + <p>Reading much "Simian" literary rot,</p> + + <p>One only wishes that our "Apes" could + <i>not</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page290" + id="page290"></a>[pg 290]</span> + + <h2>THE NEW TALE OF A TUB; OR, THE NOT-AT-HOME SECRETARY AND + THE LAUNDRESSES.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/290.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/290.png" + alt="'CAN'T SEE YOU NOW, I'M WASHING—MYSELF.'" /> + </a> "CAN'T SEE YOU NOW, I'M WASHING—MYSELF." + + <p>"The Women are crying out for the protection of the + Factory Acts, which has hitherto been denied them, and + which the Home Secretary declines to pledge the Government + to support."—<i>Daily Telegraph, Friday, June + 12th.</i></p> + </div> + + <p><i>London Laundry-woman, to her Tub-mate, + loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They tell us the Tub is humanity's friend, and that + Cleanliness is of closest kin</p> + + <p>To all things good. By the newest gospel 'tis held + that Dirt is the friend of Sin.</p> + + <p>Well, I'm not so sure that the world's far wrong in + that Worship of Washing that's all the rage;</p> + + <p>But we, its priestesses, sure might claim a cleanly + life and a decent + wage!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page291" + id="page291"></a>[pg 291]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Listen, BET, from your comfortless seat on the + turned-up pail,—if you've got the time;</p> + + <p>Isn't it queer that Society's cleansers must pass + their lives amidst muck and grime?</p> + + <p>Spotless flannels no doubt are nice—and snowy + linen is "swell" and sweet,</p> + + <p>But steaming reek is around our heads, and trickling + foulness about our feet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If the dainty ladies whose linen we lave, we + laundress drudges, could look in <i>here</i>,</p> + + <p>Wouldn't their feet shrink back with sickness, and + wouldn't their faces go pale with fear?</p> + + <p>White, well-ironed, all sheen and sweetness, that + linen looks when it leaves our hands;</p> + + <p>But they little think of the sodden squalor that + marks the den where the laundress stands.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scrub, scrub, scrub, at the reeking tub, for + eighteen hours at a stretch, perchance,</p> + + <p>Till our bowed backs ache, and our knuckles smart, + and the lights through the steam like spectres + dance;</p> + + <p>Ankle-deep in the watery sludge, where the tile is + loose or the drainage blocked!</p> + + <p>Oh, I haven't a doubt that the dainty dames—if + they only knew!—would be sorely shocked.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Typhoid! Terribly menacing word, the whisper of + which would destroy our trade;</p> + + <p>But dirt, and damp, and defective drainage will + raise that ghost on a world afraid;</p> + + <p>And at thirty years our strength is sapped by + insidious siege of the stifling fume,</p> + + <p>Or what if we linger a little longer? Scant rays of + comfort such life illume.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Grievances, BET? Well, I make no doubt that the + world of idlers is sorely sick</p> + + <p>Of the moans and groans of the likes of us. When the + whip, the needle, the spade, the pick,</p> + + <p>Are all on strike for a higher wage, 'tis a worry, + of course, to the well-to-do,</p> + + <p>And a sleek Home-Sec, must "decline to pledge" + support official to me and you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of course, of course! Who are we, my dear, to bother + the big-wigs and stir their bile?</p> + + <p>Why, it's all along of our "discontent," and the + Agitator's insidious guile.</p> + + <p>But Labour, BET, is agog just now to revise the old + one-sided pacts,</p> + + <p>And even a Laundress may have an eye to the benefit + of the Factory Acts.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Those bad, bad 'Busmen, BET my girl, claim shorter + hours, and a longer pay;</p> + + <p>Just think of such for the Slaves of the Tub! Why + should we women not have our say</p> + + <p>In the Park o' Sunday, like DAN the Docker, or TOM + the Tailor, or WILL the "Whip"?</p> + + <p>The Tub and the Ironing-board appear to have got a + chance—which they mustn't let slip:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An Object Lesson in Laundress Labour, may move the + callous and shame the quiz.</p> + + <p>We dream of "Washing as well it might be"; we'll + show them "Washing as now it is."</p> + + <p><i>We</i> know it, BET, in the sodden wet and the + choking fume; with the aching back,</p> + + <p>The long, long hours, and the typhoid taint, the + inverted pail and the hurried snack.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There may—who knows?—be hope for us yet, + for you and me, BET! Just think o' that!</p> + + <p>Oh, I know it is hard to believe it, my girl. The + Sweater's strong, and appeal falls flat</p> + + <p>On official ears; and fine-lady fears, and household + hurry against us go;</p> + + <p>But "evil is wrought by want of thought." says some + poet, I think;—so we'll let them <i>know</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! snowy sheets and sweet lavender scent of the + dear old days in my village home!</p> + + <p>The breadths of linen a-bleach on the grass! How + little I thought that to this I'd come</p> + + <p>Grand ladies of old to their laundry looked, and the + tubs were white, and the presses fair;</p> + + <p>Now we cleansers clean in the midst of dirt, in a + dank, dark den, with a noisome air.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sometimes I dream till the clouds of steam take the + shadowy form of a spectral thing,</p> + + <p>A tyrant terror that threatens our lives, whilst we + rub and scrub, whilst we rinse and wring.</p> + + <p>Well, cheer up, BET, girl, stiffen your lip, and + straighten your back. You have finished your grub,</p> + + <p>So to work once more; if our champions score, we + <i>may</i> find a new end to this Tale of a Tub!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/291.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/291.png" + alt="A CURE FOR INFLUENZA." /></a> + + <h3>A CURE FOR INFLUENZA.</h3><i>Major O'Gourmand.</i> + "SURE, ME DOCTHOR SAID A GLASS OR TWO OF DRY CHAMPAGNE'LL + DO ME GOOD! BEGORRAH, THE BOTTLE'S DRY ENOUGH BY THIS + TIME!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>STRIKING INTELLIGENCE.—A Page from a Londoner's + Diary.</h3> + + <p><i>Sunday</i>.—Can scarcely believe the news! What, no + omnibuses! A strike! What <i>shall</i> we do? Fortunately + always go to church on foot, so no loss in that. Then + subsequent parade in the Park—don't require an omnibus + for that, either. At the end of the day, can say that, take one + thing with another, state of affairs more comfortable than + might have been anticipated.</p> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Dreaded continuance of strike, but + found, practically, little inconvenience. Had to walk to the + office, and enjoyed the promenade immensely. Had no idea that a + stroll along the Embankment was so delightful. After all, one + can exist without omnibuses—at least, for a time.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Find that people who were at their + wits' end at the mere suggestion of a strike, are becoming + reconciled to the situation. Streets certainly pleasanter + without the omnibuses. Great, lumbering conveyances, filling up + the road, and stopping the traffic! London looks twice as well + without them! Tradesmen, too, say that the shops are just as + well attended now as when the two great Companies were in full + swing.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Can't see what the omnibus people + (both sides—Directors and <i>employés</i>) are + quarrelling about. No matter of mine, and the Public are only + too glad for a chance of a good walk. Fifty per cent. better + since I have been obliged to give up the morning 'bus. Asked + to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. + Certainly not, the longer the strike lasts the worse for the + Public.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Really the present state of affairs + is delightful. I have to thank the deadlock for teaching me to + patronise the river steamboats. Pleasant journey from Vauxhall + to the Temple for a penny! No idea that the Thames was so + pretty at Westminster. View of the Houses of Parliament and the + Embankment capital.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Strike continues. Well I do not + complain. Hired a hansom and find that considering the cab + takes you up to door, it is really cheaper in the long run. If + you use an omnibus, you get jolted, and run a chance of + smashing your hat. If it rains you get splashed and having to + finish your journey on foot, you might just as well have walked + the whole way.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Strike arranged to cease on Monday! + This is too much! Just as we were getting comfortable, all the + disgusting lumbering old omnibuses are to come back again! It + ought not to be allowed. Asked to-day to contribute something + in support of the strikers. Certainly, the longer the strike + lasts the better for the Public.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page292" + id="page292"></a>[pg 292]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/292.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/292.png" + alt="WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?!!" /></a> + + <h3>WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?!!</h3> + + <p><i>First Slender Invalid</i>. "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT A + BEASTLY THING THIS INFLUENZA IS, EH? I'M JUST GETTING OVER + IT."</p> + + <p><i>His Wasting Friend.</i> "AH! YOU'RE RIGHT, MY BOY! + I'VE HAD IT TOO, AND THE WORST OF IT IS, IT <i>PULLS A + FELLOW DOWN</i> SO FEARFULLY!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>EXPLANATIONS À LA MODE.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A Prophetic Forecast, by a Professional + Pessimist.</i>)</h4> + + <p>1891. The Leader of the House explains, in answer to a + question, that no understanding exists between England and any + Foreign country. No treaty is in contemplation, and never has + been suggested on either side.</p> + + <p>1892. The Government repeats that England is absolutely free + from any international engagements. It must not be thought for + a moment that a single battalion will be moved, or a solitary + vessel dispatched abroad with warlike intentions.</p> + + <p>1893. The Representative of the Cabinet once more denies the + suggestion that, under any consideration whatever, will England + bind herself to accept European responsibility. This has been + said constantly for the last three years, and the + Representative of the Cabinet is not only surprised but pained + at these frequent and embarrassing interrogations.</p> + + <p>1894. Once more, and for the last time, the PREMIER insists + that whatever may happen abroad, England will be free from + interference. It has been the policy of this great country for + the last four years to steer clear of all embarrassing + international complications. The other Great Powers are + perfectly aware that, under no circumstances whatever, will our + Army and Fleet be employed in taking part in the quarrels of + our neighbours. The entire Cabinet are grieved at questions so + frequently put to them—questions that are not only + disquieting abroad, but a slur upon the intentions of men whose + sole duty is the safety and peace of the British Empire.</p> + + <p>1895. General European War—England in the midst of + it!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>BEFORE THE MECHANICAL MODELS.</h3> + + <h4>A SKETCH AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Grounds. A string of Sightseers + discovered passing slowly in front of a row of glazed cases + containing small mechanical figures, which are set in + motion in the usual manner.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING A DYING CHILD.</h4> + + <p><i>A Gallant Swain</i>. That's the kid in bed, yer see. Like + to see it die, POLLY, eh? A penny does it.</p> + + <p><i>Polly</i> (<i>with a giggle</i>). Well, if it ain't + <i>too</i> 'arrowing. (<i>The penny is dropped in, and the + mechanical mother is instantly agitated by the deepest maternal + anxiety.</i>) That's the mother kneeling by the bed, I + suppose—she do pray natural. There's the child waking + up—see, it's moving its 'ed. (<i>The little doll raises + itself in bed, and then falls back lifeless.</i>) Ah, it's + gone—look at the poor mother 'idin' her face.</p> + + <p><i>The G.S.</i> Well, it's all over. Come along and see + something more cheerful.</p> + + <p><i>Polly</i>. Wait a bit—it isn't 'alf over yet. + There's a angel got to come and carry her away + fust—there, the door's opening, that'll be the angel come + for it, I expect. (<i>Disappointed.</i>) No, it's only the + doctor. (<i>A jerky and obviously incompetent little medical + practitioner puts his head in at the door, and on being + motioned back by the bereaved mother, retires with more + delicacy than might have been expected.</i>) Well, he might ha' + seen for himself if the child <i>was</i> dead! (<i>The back of + the bed disappears, disclosing a well-known picture of an angel + flying upwards with a child.</i>) I did think they'd have a + real angel, and not only a picture of one, and anyone can see + it's a different child—there's the child in bed just the + same. I call that a take-in!</p> + + <p><i>The G.S.</i> I dunno what more you expect for a + penny.</p> + + <p><i>A Person on the Outskirts</i> (<i>eagerly to Friend</i>). + What happened? What is it? I couldn't make it out over all the + people's shoulders.</p> + + <p><i>His Friend</i>. Dying child—not half bad either. + You go and put in a penny, and you'll see it well enough.</p> + + <p><i>The P. on the O.</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). What, put in a + penny for such rubbish? Not me!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He hangs about till someone else provides the + necessary coin.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Softhearted Female</i>. No, I couldn't stand there and + look on. I never <i>can</i> bear them pathetic subjects. I felt + just the same with that picture of the Sick Child at the + Academy, you know. (<i>Meditatively.</i>) And you don't have to + put a penny in for <i>that</i>, either.</p> + + <h4>BEFORE ANOTHER BEDROOM SCENE REPRESENTING "THE DRUNKARD'S + DELIRIUM."</h4> + + <p><i>First Woman</i>. That's 'im in bed, with the bottle in + his 'and. He likes to take his liquor comfortable, <i>he</i> + do.</p> + + <p><i>Second Woman</i>. He's very neat and tidy, considering + ain't he? I wonder what his delirium is like. 'Ere, ROSY, come + and put your penny in as the gentleman give yer. (ROSY, <i>aged + six, sacrifices her penny, under protest.</i>) Now, you + look—you can't think what pretty things you'll see.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The little wooden drunkard sits up, applies the + bottle to his mouth, and sinks back contentedly; a demon, + painted a pleasing blue, rises slowly by his bed-side: the + drunkard takes a languid interest in him; the demon + sinks.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Gentleman with a bloated complexion</i> + (<i>critically</i>). 'Ooever did that—well, I dessay he's + a very clever man, but—(<i>compassionately</i>)—he + don't know much about 'orrors, <i>he</i> don't!</p> + + <p><i>A Facetious Friend. You</i> could ha' told him a thing or + two, eh, JIM?</p> + + <p><i>The Bloated Gentleman</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). Well, + if I never 'ad them wuss than <i>that</i>!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>A small skeleton, in a shroud, looks in at the + door.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The F.F.</i> 'Ullo, 'ere's the King o' Terrors for yer! + (ROSY <i>shows signs of uneasiness; a blue demon comes out of a + cupboard.</i>) 'Ere's another of 'em—quite a little party + he's 'aving!</p> + + <p><i>A Gentleman, in a white tie</i> (<i>as the machinery + stops</i>). Well, a thing like this does more real good than + many a temperance tract.</p> + + <p><i>The Bloated G.</i> Yer right there, Guv'nor—it's + bin a lesson to <i>me</i>, I know that. 'Ere, will you come and + 'ave a whiskey-sour along of me and my friend 'ere'?</p> + + <h4>BEFORE A MODEL REPRESENTING AN EXECUTION.</h4> + + <p><i>A Daughter</i>. But <i>why</i> won't you 'put a penny + into this one, Father?</p> + + <p><i>The Father</i> (<i>firmly</i>). Because I don't approve + of Capital Punishment, my dear.</p> + + <p><i>A Cultivated Person</i>. An execution—"put a penny + in; bell tolls—gates open—scaffold shown with + gallows. Executioner pulls bolt—black flag"—dear, + dear—most degrading, shocking taste! (<i>To his + Friend.</i>) Oh, of course, I'll wait, if you want to see + it—not got a <span class="pagenum"><a name="page293" + id="page293"></a>[pg 293]</span> penny? Let me + see—yes, <i>I</i> can lend you one. (<i>He does; the + penny is put in—nothing happens.</i>) Out of order, I + suppose—scandalous! and nobody to speak to about + it—<i>most</i> discreditable! Stop—what's this? + (<i>A sort of woolly beat is audible inside the prison; + the</i> C.P. <i>beams.</i>) That's the bell + tolling—it's all right, it's working! [<i>It + works.</i></p> + + <p><i>Another Spectator</i>. Very well done, that was—but + they 'urried it over a little too quick. I scarcely saw the man + 'ung at all!</p> + + <p><i>His Companion</i>. Put in another penny, and p'raps + you'll see him cut down, old chap.</p> + + <h4>BEFORE THE FAIRY FORTUNE-TELLER'S GROTTO.</h4> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i> (<i>to her Soldier</i>.) Oh, ain't that + pretty? I should like to know what <i>my</i> fortune is. + [<i>She feels in her pocket.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Soldier</i> (<i>who disapproves of useless + expenditure</i>). Ain't you put in enough bloomin' pennies?</p> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i>. This is the last. (<i>Reads + Directions</i>.) Oh, you've got to set the finger on the dial + to the question you want answered, and then put your penny in. + What shall I ask her?</p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i>. Anyone would think you meant to go by the + answer, to hear you talk!</p> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i>. P'raps I do. (<i>Coquettishly, as she + sets the index to a printed question.</i>) Now, you mustn't + look. I won't 'ave <i>you</i> see what I ask!</p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i> (<i>loftily</i>). <i>I</i> don't want to + look, I tell yer—it's nothing to me.</p> + + <p><i>Susan Jane</i>. But you <i>are</i> looking—I saw + you. [<i>A curious and deeply interested crowd collects around + them.</i></p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i>. Honour bright, I ain't seen nothing. Are you + going to be all night over this 'ere tomfoolery?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[SUSAN JANE <i>puts in a penny, blushing and tittering; + a faint musical tinkle is heard from the case, and the + little fairies begin to revolve in a solemn and mystic + fashion; growing excitement of crowd. A pasteboard bower + falls aside, revealing a small disc on which a sentence is + inscribed.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Person in Crowd</i> (<i>reading slowly over</i> SUSAN + JANE's <i>shoulder</i>). "Yus; 'e is treuly worthy of your + love."</p> + + <p><i>Crowd</i> (<i>delighted</i>). That's worth a penny to + know, <i>ain't</i> it, Miss? <i>Your</i> mind's easy now! It's + the soldier she was meanin'. Ah,<i>'e</i> ought to feel + satisfied too, after that! &c., &c. [<i>Confusion + of</i> SUSAN JANE.</p> + + <p><i>Soldier</i> (<i>as he departs with S.J.</i>). Well, yer + know, there's something <i>in</i> these things, when all's + said!</p> + + <h4>IN DEPARTING.</h4> + + <p><i>A Pleased Pleasure-seeker</i>. Ah, that's something like, + that is! I've seen the 'Aunted Miser, and the Man with the + 'Orrors, and a Execution, and a Dyin' Child—they do make + you <i>larf</i>, yer know!</p> + + <p><i>Second P.P.</i> Yes, it's a pity the rest o'the + Exhibition ain't more the same style, to my thinking!</p> + + <p><i>A Captious Critic</i>. Well, they don't seem to me to + 'ave much to do with anything <i>naval</i>.</p> + + <p><i>His Companion</i>. Why, it comes under machinery, don't + it? You're so bloomin' particular, you are! Wouldn't touch a + glass o' beer 'ere, unless it was brewed with salt-water, I + suppose! Well, come on, then—there's a bar 'andy!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They adjourn for refreshment.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>PROVERBS PRO OMNIBUS.—Directly the Chairman of the + General Omnibus Company observed that if the men's demands were + conceded the fares would have to be raised, there was a rush to + be the first out with the old proverb about Penny wise and + Pound foolish. However, "In for a penny" remains as heretofore, + the <i>employés</i> having successfully gone "in for a Pound." + Let them now "take care of the pence," and they may feel well + assured that this particular POUND will be able to take care of + himself. Well, farewell the tranquillity of the streets of last + week! Henceforth not "chaos," but "'Bus 'os," has come + again!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:10%;"> + <a href="images/293-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <h3>Nolens Volens.</h3> + + <p>Dear MR. PUNCH,—I hear that some people are in a great + state of mind lest some blessed Bill brought in by the + Government, should "destroy Voluntary Schools." What howling + bosh! Why, there <i>are no</i> Voluntary Schools! No, they're + all Compulsory, confound 'em! or who'd attend 'em? Not Yours + disgustedly,</p> + + <p class="author">A HUMAN BOY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. WELLER & CO., AND THE 'BUS STRIKE.—Mr. + SUTHERST seems to occupy, as towards the 'Bus-drivers, a + similar position to that filled by the eminent <i>Mr. Solomon + Pell</i>, the general adviser, and man of business to the Elder + <i>Mr. Weller</i>, and his professional coaching brethren. It + is to be hoped that the <i>Solomon Pell</i> of the 'Bus-drivers + has been treated as liberally as was the real <i>Mr. Pell</i>, + the friend of the LORD CHANCELLOR, by <i>Mr. Weller</i> Senior, + the Mottle-faced Man, and others.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/293-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The most interesting book, one of the Baron's Retainers + ("blythe and gay,") has read this year is, <i>The Life of + Laurence Oliphant</i>. If it were not written by a reputable + person, and published by so eminently respectable a house as + BLACKWOOD's, there would be difficulty about accepting it as a + true story of the life of a man whom some of us knew, as lately + living in London, wearing a frock coat, and even a tall hat of + cylindrical shape. Such a mingling of shrewd business qualities + and March madness as met in LAURENCE OLIPHANT is surely a new + thing. A man of gentle birth, of high culture, of wide + experience, of supreme ability, and, strangest of all, with a + keen sense of humour—that such an one should voluntarily + step down from high social position at the bidding of a vulgar, + selfish, self-seeking, and, according to some hints dropped + here and there, grossly immoral man, should, at beck of his fat + forefinger, go forth to a strange land to live amid sordid + circumstances, and with uncongenial company, to work as a + common, farm-labourer, to peddle strawberries at a railway + station, passes belief. With respect to Mr. HARRIS, one feels + inclined to quote <i>Betsy Prig's</i> remark touching one who + may, peradventure, have been a maternal relation. "I don't + believe," said <i>Betsy</i>, "there's no sich a person." But + there was, and, stranger still, there was a LAURENCE OLIPHANT + to bend the knee to him. Not the least striking thing in a book + of rare value is the manner in which Mrs. OLIPHANT has + acquitted herself in a peculiarly difficult task. No man would + have had the restraining patience necessary to deal with the + HARRIS episodes as she has done.</p> + + <p>The Assistant Reader has been refreshing himself with + <i>Lapsus Calami</i>, by J.K.S., published by MACMILLAN and + BOWES. It is a booklet of light verse, containing here and + there some remarkably brilliant pieces of satire and parody. + The first of two parodies of ROBERT BROWNING is unsurpassable + for successful audacity. The last poem in the book is "An + Election Address," written for, but apparently not used by, the + present POSTMASTER-GENERAL, when he was Candidate for Cambridge + University, in 1882. He says of himself, after confessing to a + dislike for literature and science,—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But I have fostered, guided, planned</p> + + <p>Commercial enterprise; in me</p> + + <p>Some ten or twelve directors, and</p> + + <p>Six worthy chairmen you may see."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>All the pieces are not so good as those cited—that + would be too much to expect—but "get it," say</p> + + <p class="author">BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Mortuary.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ANDREW LANGUAGE—no, LANG!—who the + classics is pat in,</p> + + <p class="i2">Suggests to our writers, as test of their + "style,"</p> + + <p>Just to turn their equivocal prose into Latin,</p> + + <p class="i2">As DRYDEN did. Truly the plan makes one + smile!</p> + + <p>Reviewers find Novelists' nonsense much weary + 'em.</p> + + <p class="i4">Writers of twaddle</p> + + <p class="i4">Take DRYDEN a model—</p> + + <p>Turn your books into some great "<i>dead</i> + language"—and <i>bury</i> 'em!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN TOLD DOWN EAST;</h3> + + <h4><i>Or, A Mauvais Jew d'Esprit.</i></h4> + + <p>Will you, if you please, point out to me the way to the + streets which, I am told, are paved with gold?</p> + + <p>Where shall I find the employer of labour who, I have been + told, will instantly get me occupation at a wage of 60 roubles + the week?</p> + + <p>Dear me! in this, then, your "White Chapel"? I was told it + was a luxurious quarter, famous for its Palaces.</p> + + <p>Surely this horrid den is not one of your model work-rooms? + I was told that such things existed only in Russia!</p> + + <p>And are these people who are scowling at and cursing me your + typical working population? Why, I was told that I should find + them dear brothers, waiting to welcome us with open arms.</p> + + <p>And is this pittance you offer me all that you pay for + making a coat? I was told that it was quite twelve times as + much as this.</p> + + <p>Ah! I'm afraid I have been told, and have given credit to, a + great many things to which I never should have listened at + all.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page294" + id="page294"></a>[pg 294]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/294.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/294.png" + alt="FELINE AMENITIES." /></a> + + <h3>FELINE AMENITIES.</h3> + + <p><i>Lady Godiva de Rougepott</i>. "I DON'T THINK ANY + PAINTING LOOKS WELL IN THIS HORRID ELECTRIC LIGHT!"</p> + + <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>nettled</i>). "DON'T YOU, DEAR? + PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER TO REMAIN IN THE DRAWING-ROOM, + WHERE THE LAMPS AND SHADES ARE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"To the bi-monthly exhibition of the Royal Horticultural + Society the Marquis of SALISBURY sent a magnificent + collection—of strawberries especially. Mr. W.H. SMITH + showed specimens of the same luscious fruit, for which he + received the thanks of the Society."—<i>Daily + Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Head-Gardener</i> SM-TH <i>soliloquiseth</i>:—</p> + + <p>OHO! my beauty! If <i>you</i> don't get a fust prize, and + "receive the thanks of the Society" I'm a cowcumber! "The + Fruits of Early Industry and Economy." Title of a picture by + that splendid sample of the industrious and the economical, + GEORGE MORLAND, I believe. Yes, that's it. My Industry and + G-SCH-N's Economy.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We are a moral family;</p> + + <p class="i2">We are, we are, we are!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>All the cardinal virtues bound in—ahem! no matter.</p> + + <p>Talk of the Gigantic Gooseberry! What is that apocryphal + monstrosity compared with this Brobdingnagian Berry? + [<i>Sings.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bravo, my "British Queen"!</p> + + <p>Long live my "British Queen"!</p> + + <p class="i2">Brave "British Queen"!</p> + + <p>Send it victorious,</p> + + <p>First-Prizer glorious,</p> + + <p>Fill Rads censorious</p> + + <p class="i2">With envious spleen!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>As you <i>will</i>, my Beauty! When did swaggering H-RC-RT's + horticulture produce such goodly fruits? Or sour-mug'd + M-RL-Y's? Or leary L-BBY's? Or Slawkenbergian M-ND-LLA's? Or + even that of the Grand Old Grower, GL-DST-NE himself, with all + his fluent patter about British Pomona, and the native + Jam-pot?</p> + + <p>I know the badly-beaten lot maintain that the plant is a + "Sport" from an old purchase of their own. Bless you, they + claim <i>all</i> the good stocks—always did. Who cares? + My young floricultural friend, JOE of Birmingham, who knows a + bit about fruits as well as concerning orchids, let me tell + you,—JOE, I say, laughs their preposterous pretensions to + scorn. Look at G-SCH-N's own particular plant there—a bit + late, but very promising, and probably destined to take a prize + before the season's over. Didn't JOE recommend the stock to + GL-DST-NE years ago? And didn't the haughty Hawarden + horticulturist turn up his nose at it as an "Unauthorised" + intruder upon his own Prize Programme? And, more by token, + didn't JOE get the hump in consequence, cut the old connection, + and set up on his own account in the forcing-house line, with a + friendly leaning to our firm? Aha! "<i>Hinc illæ lachrymæ</i>," + as the Guv'nor would say. Hence, also, this Colossal + Strawberry!</p> + + <p>Thanks of the Society? I should rayther think so! They may + chaff "OLD MORALITY" as much as they like—but morality + <i>pays</i>, even in strawberry-growing; and my duty to my + (British) Queen has brought about <i>this</i> triumph. Early + Industry started it, and careful horticultural Economy brought + it to its present pitch of perfection. Look at it! Size, shape, + sweetness, scent, all superb! If the Season shouldn't produce + another Prize-Winner, this alone ought to satisfy SOLLY. And if + G-SCH-N's seedling, "Gratis," <i>should</i> turn out a triumph + later on, why we shall score tremendously. Wish G-SCH-N would + "sit up and snort" less, and smile more. Patience and plenty of + sun! That's the tip for a horticulturist. Standing at the door + and shying stones at your neighbour's glasshouses, won't make + your own fruit ripen, if GEORGE JOKIM could only see it. As + H-RT D-KE says, <i>tu quoques</i> are a nuisance, and want + fumigating off the face of the earth. JOKIM and ARTHUR B-LF-R a + bit too fond of 'em for <i>my</i> fancy. However, all the + "you're anothers" on earth can't affect my Strawberry now, + thanks be! <i>The</i> Fruit of the Season, though I say it who + perhaps shouldn't.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>(<i>Sings.</i>) From "Greenlands" sunny garden,</p> + + <p class="i10">And vista'd vitreous panes,</p> + + <p class="i10">We mean to rival Hawarden,</p> + + <p class="i10">In glories and in gains.</p> + + <p class="i10">I have produced, Sweet WILL-I-AM,</p> + + <p class="i10">This Giant Strawber-ry,</p> + + <p class="i10">In horticultural skill I am</p> + + <p class="i10">A match for W.G.! [<i>Left + chortling.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE VERY LAST ON THE 'BUS STRIKE.—After the + comparative quiet of last week, the streets of London will now + be as 'bussy as ever.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page295" + id="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/295.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/295.png" + alt="THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION." /></a> + + <h3>THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION.</h3> + + <p>W.H. SM-TH (<i>Head Gardener and Prize Exhibitor</i>). + "HAD TO NIP OFF A LOT OF BLOOMS TO GET HIM UP TO THIS + SIZE!!"</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"At the Bimonthly Exhibition of the Royal + Horticultural Society ... Mr. W.H. SMITH showed + specimens of the same luscious + fruit"—strawberries—"for which he received + the thanks of the Society."—<i>Daily + Telegraph</i>, Wednesday, June 10.</p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" + id="page297"></a>[pg 297]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/297.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297.png" + alt="SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE." /></a> + + <h3>SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE.</h3> + + <p>PORTRAIT OF A LITERARY FRIEND, WHO, LIVING IN A MAIN + THOROUGHFARE, WAS AN ARDENT SUPPORTER OF THE 'BUS STRIKE, + SUBSCRIBED TO ITS FUNDS, ADD HOPED IT MIGHT LONG CONTINUE. + HE SAYS HE HASN'T HAD SUCH A QUIET TIME WITH HIS BOOKS FOR + YEARS. BUT ALAS! SINCE LAST SUNDAY HE HAS NOT SMILED + AGAIN.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MRS. GINGHAM ON THE GREAT 'BUS QUESTION.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The demand for 'Buses is immensely stimulated by their + presence, and when they are no longer there, the people who + thought them indispensable get on very well indeed without + them.... Under the influence of penny fares, Londoners are + rapidly forgetting how to walk."—<i>The + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! it's all very fine, my good Sir, whosomever you + are as writes such,</p> + + <p>But of decent poor folk and their needs it is plain + as you do not know much.</p> + + <p>Which I ain't quite so young as I was, nor as light, + nor as smart on my feet,</p> + + <p>And you may not know quite what it is to be out late + o' night and dead beat,</p> + + <p>Out Islington way, arter ten, with a bundle, a + child, and a cage,</p> + + <p>As canaries is skeery at night, and a seven mile + walk, at my age,</p> + + <p>All along of no 'Bus to be had, love or money, and + cabs that there dear,</p> + + <p>And a stitch in my side and short breath, ain't as + nice as you fancy,—no fear!</p> + + <p>Likeways look at my JOHN every morning, ah! rain, + hail or shine, up to town,</p> + + <p>With no trams running handy, and corns! As I sez to + my friend Mrs. BROWN,</p> + + <p>Bless the 'Buses, I sez, they're a boon to poor + souls, as must travel at times,</p> + + <p>And we can't <i>all</i> keep kerridges neither, wus + luck! Penny Fares ain't no crimes,</p> + + <p>If you arsk me, as did ought to know. Which my + feelings I own it does rouge</p> + + <p>To hear big-wigs a-sneering at 'Buses. There may be + a bit of a scrouge,</p> + + <p>And the smell of damp straw mixed with pep'mint + ain't nice to a dalicot nose,</p> + + <p>Likeways neat "Oh be Joyful's" a thing as with + orange and snuff hardly goes.</p> + + <p>But we ain't all rekerky nor rich, we can't all + afford sixpence a mile,</p> + + <p>And when we are old, late, and tired, or it's wet, + we can't think about <i>style</i>.</p> + + <p>The 'Bus is the poor body's kerridge, young + feller—and as for your talk</p> + + <p>About not never missing a lift, or + forgetting—dear sakes!—<i>how</i> to + walk,</p> + + <p>And the nice quiet streets and all that; why it's + clear <i>you</i> ain't been a poor clerk</p> + + <p>With a precious small "screw," in wet weather. Ah! + you wouldn't find it no lark</p> + + <p>With thin boots and a 'ard 'acking cough, and three + mile every day to and thro',</p> + + <p>Or a puffy old woman like me, out at Witsuntide + wisiting JOE,</p> + + <p>(My young son in the greengrocer line); or a + governess, peaky and pale,</p> + + <p>As has just overslep herself slightly, and can't git + by cab or by rail.</p> + + <p>"Ugly lumbering wehicles?" Ah! and we're ugly and + lumbering too,</p> + + <p>A lot of us poor Penny 'Bus fares, as isn't + high-born or true-blue.</p> + + <p>But the 'Bus is our help. Wery like some do ride as + had far better walk,</p> + + <p>Whether tip-toppy swells or poor shop-girls. But all + that is trumpery talk.</p> + + <p>What I arsk is, why shouldn't the 'Buses be kept a + bit reglar, like Cabs,</p> + + <p>In the matter of fares and of distances? Oh, a old + woman it crabs</p> + + <p>To hear of Perprietors pinching pore fellers as + drive or conduck,</p> + + <p>While the "Pirates" play up merry mag with the poor + helpless fare, as gets stuck</p> + + <p>Betwixt Dividend-grinders and Strikers? It ought to + be altered, <i>I</i> say.</p> + + <p>Whilst they talk of what 'Bus-folk should earn, they + forget the pore Publick—who <i>pay</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>LE PRINCE S'AMUSE.</h3> + + <h4><i>An Apologetic Idyl.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My life is held to be a round of Pleasures;</p> + + <p>All I can say is, they who thus would rate it,</p> + + <p>For life's delights have most peculiar measures:</p> + + <p>For though in plainest English they don't state + it,</p> + + <p>'Tis clear "no recreation" meets their views,</p> + + <p>Or why that sneering cry, "<i>Le Prince + s'amuse?</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or do they think a Prince, without repining,</p> + + <p>Foundation-stones unceasingly is laying,</p> + + <p>Rewarded with a glut of public dining,</p> + + <p>The pangs of hunger ever to be staying,</p> + + <p>Is recreation such as he would choose?</p> + + <p>If so—I understand "<i>Le Prince + s'amuse!</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But how a world that notes his daily doings,</p> + + <p>The everlasting round of weary function,—</p> + + <p>The health-returnings, speeches, interviewings.</p> + + <p>Can grudge him some relief, without compunction,</p> + + <p>Seems quite to me "another pair of shoes!"</p> + + <p>Dyspeptic is that cry, "<i>Le Prince + s'amuse!</i>"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MODERN BRIGAND.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragment from the Adventures of a Ransomed + Prisoner.</i>)</h4> + + <p>I must confess I was agreeably surprised at the treatment to + which I was subjected by my capturers. Instead of being loaded + with chains and confined in a cell beneath the castle's moat, I + was given perfect liberty, and had quite a pleasant suite of + rooms. I should scarcely have known that I was in durance had + not one of the less refined of the brigands shown me a + revolver, and playfully informed me that its contents were + intended for me if I attempted to escape. The Chief was + absolutely charming. He treated me in the most courteous + manner, and ended his first interview with me by requesting + "the honour of my company at dinner."</p> + + <p>"You need not dress!" he observed, "although I like to put + on a tail-coat myself. But I know that you have had some + difficulty with my people about your luggage, and so I shall be + only too delighted to excuse <i>grande tenue</i>."</p> + + <p>The "difficulty" to which my host referred was the seizing + of my portmanteau by the gang of thieves of which he was the + acknowledged head. I suggested that I might possibly recover + some of its contents.</p> + + <p>"I am afraid not," returned the Chieftain. "You see my + people are very methodical, and by this time I fear all the + goods will have been sold. The motto of the Club is 'small + profits and quick returns.' We find no difficulty in trading. + As we carry on business on the most economical principles, we + can quote prices even cheaper than the Stores."</p> + + <p>And this I found to be the case. Although the brigands were + very civil to me, I was unable to trace any of my property. + However, as my host in the kindest manner had allowed me to + dispense with ceremony, I ventured to appear at dinner-time in + my ordinary tourist's dress.</p> + + <p>"I am delighted to see you," said the Chief, speaking + English for the first time, "as you are now my guest, I must + confess that we are fellow countrymen."</p> + + <p>"Indeed!" I replied, considerably astonished. "If you are + really of British nationality, how is it that I find you a + professional thief?"</p> + + <p>"You are mistaken," returned the Chief. "I merely belong to + a society for the redistribution of capital. You know we are + all balloted for, and I was myself afraid that I might get + pilled."</p> + + <p>"Indeed!" I exclaimed, in a tone of surprise. "Surely your + accomplishments—for I noticed, on my arrival, that you + were a first-rate hand at lawn tennis, and played the + flute—would have secured your admission?"</p> + + <p>"Well," he returned with a smile, "I fancy they helped me + with the Committee. But unhappily my antecedents were + bad—I had made a fortune on the London Stock Exchange, + and my books were scarcely as satisfactory as our bandit + auditors could have desired them to be. However they took a + kindly view of the case, and allowed me to pass through. But + pardon me, I see your ransom has arrived. I am afraid I must + say good bye. A pleasant journey."</p> + + <p>And shaking me warmly by the hand, he helped me into the + conveyance that was to take me back to home and freedom. I have + never seen him since.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" + id="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/298.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/298.png" + alt="ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.—HARTINGTONIANA." /> + </a> + + <h3>ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.—HARTINGTONIANA.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" + id="page299"></a>[pg 299]</span> + + <h2>A COY COLOSSUS.</h2> + + <p>PARIS, <i>June 15</i>.—It is stated here, on no + authority whatever, that when the CZAR was recently visiting + the French Exhibition at Moscow, his Imperial Majesty was heard + to remark, "This makes me desire to see the Boulevards again." + A visit of the ruler of Russia to Paris during the Summer is + therefore considered to be certain. An offensive and defensive + Alliance between the two countries is said to be on the point + of signature.</p> + + <p>A few evenings ago, in a low <i>café</i> in Belleville, M. + NOKASHIKOFF, who left St. Petersburg lately to escape his + creditors, and who conceived the happy idea of raising a little + money by walking to Paris in a sack composed of the French and + Russian national flags stitched together, was entertained to + supper by his Gallic admirers. The proceedings, especially + towards midnight, were very enthusiastic. Throughout the + festivities, constant cries of "<i>Vive l'Alliance + Franco-Russe!</i>" were raised. This incident is said to have + placed the immediate signature of the Treaty between the CZAR + and President CARNOT beyond a doubt.</p> + + <p>Last evening a foreigner, who by appearance would have been + taken for a Muscovite, was walking along the asphalte, when he + was surrounded by a crowd of persons crying "<i>Vive la + Russie!</i>" The foreigner seemed both surprised and annoyed by + these attentions, and at length began to use his fists and his + boots liberally on the ringleaders of the mob. This treatment, + however, seemed only to increase their Russophil ardour, and + the stranger was soon hoisted on to the shoulders of some of + his foremost admirers, struggling violently. On the arrival of + a gendarme, he explained that he was an English book-maker, and + that "this bloomin' mob of boot-lickers had taken him for a + bloomin' Russian!" The crowd shortly afterwards dispersed. The + completion of the formal alliance between France and Russia is + considered less certain than it was a few days ago.</p> + + <p>The Frenchman, M. TÊTE-BOIS, who recently attempted to walk + on his head from Paris to Moscow, in order to show the sympathy + felt in France for the Muscovite Empire, did not succeed in + carrying out his design. He was stopped shortly after crossing + the Russian frontier, imprisoned, and heavily ironed. After + suffering in this way for a week, he was told that he must + leave Russian territory within twenty-four hours, or else + continue his journey to Siberia. On being appealed to, the CZAR + graciously extended the time given for quitting Russia to + forty-eight hours. This Imperial clemency has caused the widest + feeling of gratitude and satisfaction in France, and the + signature of the definitive Alliance between the two countries + is confidently expected at an exceedingly early date.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/299.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/299.png" + alt="FANCY PORTRAIT." /></a> + + <h3>FANCY PORTRAIT.</h3>(<i>Dedicated to Lord Chief Justice + Coleridge.</i>) + + <p>"THE LORD ARCHBISHOP OF NOVA SCOTIA, PRELATE OF THE + ORDER OF THE SUN," CAUGHT CHEATING AT CARDS + (HYPOTHETICALLY) BY THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, AND TAKEN, + INSTANTANEOUSLY, BY OUR ARTIST.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday Night, June 8</i>.—I knew + DYKE first when (good many years ago now) as DIZZY's whip he + hunted in couple with ROWLAND WINN; then always called HART + DYKE. Like many other young men he has in interval lost his + HART, and now known as Sir WILLIAM DYKE. Curious thing, as SARK + reminds me, how absorbent is the name of WILLIAM. Quite + probable that before <i>Black-Eyed Susan's</i> friend came + prominently on the stage he had some other Christian name, sunk + when he was promoted to shadow of yard-arm. Certainly there is + an equally eminent man sitting opposite DYKE in House to-night, + who like him is "Sir WILLIAM" to the present generation, and + was VERNON HARCOURT to an elder one.</p> + + <p>DYKE, under whatever name, done excellently well to-night. + Holding comparatively minor appointment in Ministry, suddenly + finds himself in charge of principal measure of Session. + Handicapped, moreover, with recollections of time when he has + uncompromisingly declared himself against the very principle he + now embodies in Bill, and invites House to add to Statute + Book.</p> + + <p>That was first hedge for DYKE to take, and he went over in + plucky style that threw the scorner off his trail. Didn't live + in close communication with DIZZY through six long years for + nothing. Not likely to forget what happened in very earliest + days of Parliament of 1874, when DIZZY for first time found + himself not only in office but in power. During election + campaign DIZZY, speaking in the safety of Buckinghamshire, had + made some wild statement about easing the chains of Ireland. + Simply designed to gain Irish vote; forgotten as soon as + spoken. But ROBERT MONTAGU—where, by the way, is ROBERT + MONTAGU?—treasured these things up in his heart, and when + DIZZY appeared in the House, Leader of triumphant majority, + asked him what he was going to do about it?</p> + + <p>"It is sometime since the observations referred to were + made," said DIZZY, "and—er—a good deal has happened + in the interval."</p> + + <p>DYKE, recalling and admitting his former statements on Free + Education, did not attempt to minimise their import. "But." he + said, button-holing House as it were, and treating it quite + confidentially, "the fact is we all change our minds." House + laughed at this as it had laughed at DIZZY seventeen years ago, + and DYKE, absolved and encouraged, went forward with his + speech.</p> + + <p>Not a brilliant oration in any way; neither exordium nor + peroration, and the middle occasionally a little mixed. But a + good sensible straightforward speech, and if DYKE had done no + more than show that an important Ministerial measure could be + explained within limit of an hour, he would not have lived in + vain.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Education Bill introduced.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Nothing at first sight in personal + appearance of HERBERT THOMAS KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN that suggests + a swan. Fancy I have heard something of these birds being + addicted to the habit of breaking forth into song when + convinced of approaching dissolution. That, I suppose, is how + the swan was suggested to the mind when just now, + KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN rose from behind Ministers, and began to + chant his threnody. Resolution on which Education Bill grafted + brought up for report stage; agreed to, and HART DYKE about to + bring in his Bill. Then from the back seat rose a sturdy yeoman + figure, and a powerful voice was uplifted in denunciation of + the Bill and of a Ministry that had betrayed the trust of the + Conservative Party. It was, so the swan sang, a step on the + road to Socialism. He feared it had come to pass that dangerous + measures are more likely to emanate from the Treasury Bench + than from the Front Bench opposite.</p> + + <p>Liberals roared with delighted laughter and cheers; the + Conservatives sat glum and ill-at-ease. OLD MORALITY's white + teeth gleamed with a spasmodic smile. As for JOKIM he folded + his arms, and bit his lips and frowned.</p> + + <p>"What antiquated nonsense this is!" he muttered, "of course + Free Education is not a Conservative principle. They all + protested against it at the General Election. A year earlier I, + who happened at the time to be numbered in the Liberal ranks, + put my back <span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" + id="page300"></a>[pg 300]</span> against the wall, and, + picturing the evils that would befall my country if its + institutions were thus demoralised, I said I would die + before I would lend a hand to free the schools. But you see, + TOBY, <i>I haven't died</i>, and that changes the whole + situation. Not only enables me to retain my place in + Government bringing in Free Education, but permits me, as + CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, actually to find the means for + carrying out the system. Can't understand a fellow like this + KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN sticking to his principles when it + becomes expedient to swallow them. He's a disgrace to a + family that counts BRABOURNE as its head."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:26%;"> + <a href="images/300-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-1.png" + alt="'A Progressive Conservative.' (<i>Vide Dod.</i>)" /> + </a> "A Progressive Conservative." (<i>Vide Dod.</i>) + </div> + + <p>"HUGESSEN's a good fellow," said ISAACSON; "wears well, but + is politically a fossil. Now <i>I'm</i> a progressive + Conservative, which I think you'll find, TOBY, my boy, to be + about the time of day."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Assisted Education Bill; firmly + led up to table by HART DYKE.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Lively fight round Deceased Wife's + Sister Bill. Ascot in vain held forth its attractions; + supporters of the Bill hoped opponents would go; opponents came + down rather expecting HENEAGE's virtue would have given way, + and Ascot would have claimed him as its own. But everybody + there—MAKINS's men with long list of Amendments warranted + to keep things going till half-past five, when progress must be + reported, and chance of Bill for present Session lost. MAKINS + himself in high oratorical feather. OSBORNE-AP-MORGAN, having + made a proposition and subsequently withdrawn it, MAKINS, + putting on severest judicial aspect, observed, "It is all very + well for the Right Hon. and learned Gentleman to make a legal + JONAH of himself and swallow his opinions."</p> + + <p>"Bless us all!" cried ROWNTREE, looking on with blank + amazement, "MAKINS evidently thinks that JONAH swallowed the + whale." Bill seemed to shatter friendships and dissever old + alliances. SQUIRE of MALWOOD naturally at home in the fray, but + rather startling to find HOME SECRETARY running amuck at + CHAMBERLAIN. MATTHEWS in his most hoity-toity mood; quivered + with indignation; thumped the table; shook a forensic + forefinger at the undesignedly offending JOSEPH, and, + generally, went on the rampage. As for HENEAGE, he filled up + any little pause in uproar by diving in and moving the Closure. + Once, whilst GEDGE was opposing an Amendment hostile to Bill, + HENEAGE dashed in with his Closure motion. GEDGE's face a + study; mingled surprise, indignation, and ineffable regret + mantled his mobile front.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/300-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-2.png" + alt="'Bless us all!'" /></a>"Bless us all!" + </div> + + <p>"To think," he said afterwards, "that just when I was coming + to HENEAGE's help with an argument founded on profound study + and pointed with legal lore, he should suddenly jump up, lower + his head, and, as it were, butt me in the stomach with the + Closure. It is more than I can at the moment comprehend."</p> + + <p>GEDGE so flurried that when Members returned, after Division + on Closure, he being, in accordance with the rule, seated and + wearing his hat, wanted to argue out the question with + COURTNEY.</p> + + <p>"I submit, Sir," he said, "that the Hon. Member, in moving + the Closure, controverted Rule 186."</p> + + <p>The Chairman: "I think the Hon. Member can scarcely have + read the Rule."</p> + + <p>Mr. GEDGE: "I have read the Rule, Sir. This is what it + says—"</p> + + <p>Chairman: "Order! Order!" and GEDGE subsided.</p> + + <p>Then TOMLINSON fortuitously turning up on Treasury Bench, + joined in conversation. But COURTNEY turned upon him with such + a thunderous cry of "Order! Order!" that TOMLINSON visibly + shrivelled up, and his sentence, like the unfinished window in + ALLADIN's Tower, unfinished must remain.</p> + + <p>Wrangling went on till a quarter past five, when TALBOT + interposed, and with most funereal manner moved to report + progress. HENEAGE almost mechanically lowered his head and had + started to butt at TALBOT as he had upset GEDGE when he was + providentially stopped and convinced that further struggle with + obstruction was hopeless. So, Clause I. agreed to, Bill talked + out. MAKINS, growing increasingly delightful, protested that a + Bill that had been fifty years before the country, was not to + be rushed through the House on a Wednesday afternoon. + <i>Argal</i>, the more familiar the House is with the details + of a measure, the more necessary is it to debate it.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Marriage with a Deceased Wife's + Sister. Banns again objected to.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>, 1:25 A M.—Land Bill just through + report stage. Nothing left now but Third Reading. "Well, KNOX," + said WINDBAG SEXTON, "that will be our last opportunity, and we + must make the most of it. In meantime I think we've done pretty + well. I'm especially pleased with you. You're a boy of great + promise. If anything happened to me—a stray tack in the + bench, or a pin maliciously directed, and the wind-bag were to + collapse—you'd do capitally, till I got it repaired."</p> + + <p>WINDBAG JUNIOR blushed. As OLD MORALITY remarks, Ingenuous + youth delights in the Approbation of Seasoned Seniority.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Land at last—I mean Land + Purchase Bill through at last.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GENERAL OF THE FUTURE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Tent in rear of a Battle-field.</i> + Political Officer <i>in attendance upon Army, waiting for + Military assistance.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Political Officer</i> (<i>impatiently</i>). Now then, + Orderly, have you not been able to secure a General for me?</p> + + <p><i>Orderly</i> (<i>saluting</i>). Beg pardon, Sir, but it's + so difficult, since they have passed that new Royal Warrant, to + know which is which.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>more impatiently</i>). + Nonsense!—any General Officer will do. <i>Ord</i>. Very + good, Sir.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit.</i> Political Officer <i>stamps his foot + irritably, when enter</i> First General Officer, + <i>hurriedly.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Gen. Off.</i> Well, Sir, how can I assist you?</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>cordially</i>). Glad to see you, + General. Fact is, supposing we arrange a treaty, do you think + it would be wise to surrender the fortress on the right side of + the river, if we retain the redoubt near the wood as a basis of + operations? You see—</p> + + <p><i>First Gen. Off.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Very sorry, + but don't know anything about it.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). But aren't you a + General?</p> + + <p><i>First Gen. Off.</i> Certainly. General-Surgeon. Ta, ta! + [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> Well of all the—(<i>Enter Second Gen. + Off.</i>) Well, Sir, what is it? Who are you?</p> + + <p><i>Second Gen. Off.</i> I am a General Officer, and I was + told you required my poor services.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> So I do. The fact is, General, supposing we + arrange a treaty, do you think it wise for us to surrender the + fortress—</p> + + <p><i>Second Gen. Off.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Alas! my dear + friend, I fear I can be of no help to you—it is entirely + out of my line.</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). But aren't you a + General?</p> + + <p><i>Second Gen. Off.</i> Certainly. A General-Chaplain. + Farewell, dear friend. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> Well of all the—(<i>Enter</i> Third + General Officer.) Well, Sir, who and what are you?</p> + + <p><i>Third Gen. Off.</i> (<i>briskly</i>). A General. Now + then, look sharp! No time to lose. Hear you require me. How can + I help you?</p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>aside</i>). Ah, this is the sort of man + I want! (<i>Aloud.</i>) Well then, General, we are arranging a + treaty, and I want your advice about retaining a fortress on + the right of the river—</p> + + <p><i>Third Gen. Off.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Sorry. Can't + help! Not my province. Good bye! [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pol. Off.</i> (<i>shouting after him</i>). But aren't you + a General?</p> + + <p><i>Third Gen. Off.</i> (<i>voice heard in the distance</i>.) + Yes. General-Postman!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon political official language + unfit for publication.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>MUSICAL NOTES.—<i>Saturday Afternoon</i>.—Albert + Hall jubilant. M. PLANCON or PLANÇON—the production of + the "c" depending on the state of his voice—was encored + and "obliged again." So did Madame ALBANI, who was in superb + voice. But her accompanist, M. CARRODUS, who had given us one + violin <i>obbligato</i>, did <i>not</i> obbligato again, and so + Madame sang, admirably of course, the ever-welcome "<i>Home, + Sweet Home</i>." GIULIA RAVOGLI gave her great <i>Orphéo</i> + song, and DRURIOLANUS, practising courtly attitudes, as one + preparing to receive a German Emperor, smole beamingly on the + gratified audience. At The Garden, <i>Mireille</i>, revived on + Wednesday last, hasn't much life in her, but Miss EAMES + charming.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13422 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |