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diff --git a/old/13422.txt b/old/13422.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f3302c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13422.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1756 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, +June 20, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, June 20, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 10, 2004 [EBook #13422] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +June 20, 1891. + + + + +ON THE RIVER. + +[Illustration] + + A light canoe, a box of cigarettes, + Sunshine and shade; + A conscience free from love or money debts + To man or maid; + + A book of verses, tender, quaint, or gay, + DOBSON or LANG; + Trim yew-girt gardens, echoing the day + When HERRICK sang; + + A Thames-side Inn, a salad, and some fruit, + Beaune or Hochheimer;-- + Are simple joys, but admirably suit + An idle rhymer. + + * * * * * + +A 'BUS 'OSS'S MEMS. + +(_KEPT DURING A RECENT SOCIAL CRISIS._) + +_Saturday, June 6_, 11 P.M.--Home after our last turn. Fancy from +several drinks had on the way, and the pace we had to put into that +last mile and a half, that something's up. Turned into stall nice and +comfortable, as usual. + +_Sunday_.--Something is up with a vengeance. Hoorooh! We're on strike. +I don't know the rights of it, nor don't care, as long as I have my +bit of straw to roll in, and a good feed twice a day. I wonder, by +the way, if the fellow who looks after my oats is "off." Past feeding +time. Feel uneasy about it. Hang it all, I would rather work for _my_ +living, than be tied up here doing nothing without a feed! Ha! here he +is, thank goodness, at last. However, better late than never. Capital +fun this strike. + +_Monday_.--Am sent out in a loyal omnibus. Hooted at and frightened +with brickbats. Felt half inclined to shy. Halloa! what's this? Hit on +the ribs with a paving-stone. Come, I won't stand this. Kick and back +the 'bus on to the pavement. All the windows smashed by Company's men. +Passengers get out. Somebody cuts the traces, and I allow myself to be +led back to the stables. Don't care about this sort of fun. However, +feed all right. + +_Tuesday_.--Hear that the men want thirteen and sixpence a day and +a seven hours' turn. Directors offer five and sixpence, and make the +minimum seventeen hours. Go it, my hearties! Fight away! Who cares? +You must feed _me_, that's quite certain. Still I don't care about +being cooped up here all day. Nasty feeling of puffiness about the +knees. Hang the strike! + +_Wednesday_.--Puffiness worse. Vet. looks in and says I want exercise. +Take a bolus and am walked for half an hour or so up and down some +back-streets. Bless them!--that ain't no good. + +_Thursday_.--Puffiness worse, of course. Bother it all, being shut up +here! What wouldn't I give just for a sight of dear old Piccadilly! +The fact is, if they don't soon let me have my run from King's Cross +to Putney, I shall "bust up"--and that's a fact. I feel it. + +_Friday_.--Ah, they may well come to terms! Another day of this, and I +believe I should have been off the hooks "for ever and for aye." It's +all very well for Capital and Labour to get at loggerheads, but, as +DUCROW said, they must cut all their disputes short if they wish to +save anything of their business, and look sharp, and "come to the +'osses." + +_Saturday, 13th_.--Strike over! We shall have to be in harness again +on Monday, and not a day too soon, in the interests of the men, the +Directors, the Public; and, last, but by no means least, specially +that of "the 'osses." + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + +"OLD TO-MORROW." + +THE RIGHT HON. SIR JOHN ALEXANDER MACDONALD, LATE PREMIER OF CANADA. + + Punch sympathises with Canadian sorrow + For him known lovingly as "OLD TOMORROW." + Hail to "the Chieftain!" He lies mute to-day, + But Fame still speaks for him, and shall for aye. + "To-morrow--and to-morrow!" SHAKSPEARE sighs. + So runs the round of time! Man lives and dies. + But death comes not with mere surcease of breath + To such as him. "The road to dusty death" + Not "all his yesterdays." have lighted. Nay! + Canada's "OLD TO-MORROW" lives to-day + In unforgetting hearts, and nothing fears + The long to-morrow of the coming years. + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, Wednesday, May 28th_.--Great doings here to-day. For +weeks past all the Conservative Ladies of Billsbury have been hard at +work, knitting, sewing, painting, embroidering, patching, quilting, +crocheting, and Heaven knows what besides, for the Bazaar in aid of +the Conservative Young Men's Club and Coffee-Room Sustentation Fund. +You couldn't call at any house in Billsbury without being nearly +smothered in heaps of fancy-work of every kind. When I was at the +PENFOLDS' on Monday afternoon, the drawing-room was simply littered +with bonnets and hats, none of them much larger than a crown piece, +which Miss PENFOLD had been constructing. She tried several of them +on, in order to get my opinion as to their merits. She looked very +pretty in one of them, a cunning arrangement of forget-me-nots and +tiny scraps of pink ribbon. Mother promised some time ago to open the +Bazaar, though she assured me she had never done such a thing before, +and added that I must be sure to see that the doors moved easily, as +new doors were so apt to stick, and she didn't know what she should +do if she had to struggle over the opening. I comforted her by telling +her she would only have to say a few brief words on a platform, +declaring the Bazaar open. For the last week I have had a letter from +her by absolutely every post, sending draft speeches for my approval. +After much consideration I selected one of these, which I returned to +her. I heard from home that she was very busily occupied for some time +in learning it by heart. When cook came for orders in the morning, she +was forced to listen while Mother said over the speech to her. Cook +was good enough to express a high opinion of its beauties. + +Yesterday evening Mother arrived, with the usual enormous amount of +luggage, including the inevitable _Carlo_. After dinner I heard her +repeat the speech, which went off very well. This is it:--"Ladies +and Gentlemen, I am so pleased to be here to-day, and to have the +opportunity of helping the dear Conservative cause in Billsbury. I am +sure you are all so anxious to buy as many of these lovely things as +you can, and I therefore lose no time in declaring the Bazaar open." +Simple, but efficient. + +The opening to-day was fixed for 2:30, the Bazaar being held in the +large room of the Assembly Rooms, which had been arranged to represent +an Old English Tillage. At one o'clock Colonel and Mrs. CHORKLE, +Alderman and Mrs. TOLLAND, and one or two others, lunched with us, and +afterwards we all drove off together in a procession of carriages. I +insisted on _Carlo_ being left behind, locked up in Mother's bed-room, +with a dish of bones to comfort him, and an old dress of Mother's to +lie on. That old dress has been devoted to _Carlo_ for the last two +years, and no amount of persuasion will induce _Carlo_ to take another +instead. We tried him with a much better one a short time ago, but +he was furious, tore it to ribbons and refused his food until his old +disreputable dress had been restored to him. + +The Bazaar proceedings began with a short prayer delivered by the +Bishop of BRITISH GUIANA, an old Billsbury Grammar-School boy, who +was appointed to the bishopric a month ago. Everybody is making a +tremendous fuss about him here of course. As soon as the prayer was +over, Colonel CHORKLE rose and made what he would call one of his +"'appiest hefforts." The influence of lovely woman, Conservative +principles, devotion to the Throne, the interests of the Conservative +Young Men's Sustentation Fund, all mixed up together like a hasty +pudding. Then came the moment for Mother. First, however, WILLIAMINA +HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE had to be removed outside for causing a +disturbance. Her father's speech so deeply affected this intelligent +infant, who had come under the protection of her nurse, that she burst +out into a loud yell and refused to be comforted. The Colonel's face +was a study--a mixture of drum-head Courts-martial and Gatling guns. +Mother got through with her little speech all right. As a matter +of fact she read it straight off a sheet of paper, having finally +decided that her memory was too treacherous. We both set to work and +bought an incredible amount of things. After half an hour I found +myself in possession of six bonnets made by Miss PENFOLD, three +knitted waistcoats, four hand-painted screens, two tea-tables also +hand-painted, a lady's work-basket, three fancy shawls, a set of glass +studs and a double perambulator, which I won in a raffle. Mother got +three dog-collars, a set of shaving materials (won in a raffle), +two writing cases, five fans, two pictures by a local artist, four +paper-knives, two carved cigar-boxes, a set of tea things, and five +worked table-covers. + +When we got back, we found that _Carlo_ had nearly gnawed his way +through the bed-room door, and was growling horribly at the boots and +the chambermaid through the keyhole. Charming dog! + + * * * * * + +SIMIAN TALK. + + Professor GARNERS, in the _New Review_ + Tells us that "Apes can talk." _That's_ nothing new; + Reading much "Simian" literary rot, + One only wishes that our "Apes" could _not_! + + * * * * * + +THE NEW TALE OF A TUB; OR, THE NOT-AT-HOME SECRETARY AND THE +LAUNDRESSES. + +[Illustration: "CAN'T SEE YOU NOW, I'M WASHING--MYSELF." + +"The Women are crying out for the protection of the Factory Acts, +which has hitherto been denied them, and which the Home Secretary +declines to pledge the Government to support."--_Daily Telegraph, +Friday, June 12th._] + +_London Laundry-woman, to her Tub-mate, loquitur_:-- + + They tell us the Tub is humanity's friend, and that Cleanliness is of + closest kin + To all things good. By the newest gospel 'tis held that Dirt is the + friend of Sin. + Well, I'm not so sure that the world's far wrong in that Worship of + Washing that's all the rage; + But we, its priestesses, sure might claim a cleanly life and a decent + wage! + + Listen, BET, from your comfortless seat on the turned-up pail,--if + you've got the time; + Isn't it queer that Society's cleansers must pass their lives amidst + muck and grime? + Spotless flannels no doubt are nice--and snowy linen is "swell" and sweet, + But steaming reek is around our heads, and trickling foulness about our + feet. + + If the dainty ladies whose linen we lave, we laundress drudges, could + look in _here_, + Wouldn't their feet shrink back with sickness, and wouldn't their faces + go pale with fear? + White, well-ironed, all sheen and sweetness, that linen looks when it + leaves our hands; + But they little think of the sodden squalor that marks the den where + the laundress stands. + + Scrub, scrub, scrub, at the reeking tub, for eighteen hours at a + stretch, perchance, + Till our bowed backs ache, and our knuckles smart, and the lights through + the steam like spectres dance; + Ankle-deep in the watery sludge, where the tile is loose or the drainage + blocked! + Oh, I haven't a doubt that the dainty dames--if they only knew!--would be + sorely shocked. + + Typhoid! Terribly menacing word, the whisper of which would destroy our + trade; + But dirt, and damp, and defective drainage will raise that ghost on a + world afraid; + And at thirty years our strength is sapped by insidious siege of the + stifling fume, + Or what if we linger a little longer? Scant rays of comfort such life + illume. + + Grievances, BET? Well, I make no doubt that the world of idlers is + sorely sick + Of the moans and groans of the likes of us. When the whip, the needle, + the spade, the pick, + Are all on strike for a higher wage, 'tis a worry, of course, to the + well-to-do, + And a sleek Home-Sec, must "decline to pledge" support official to me + and you. + + Of course, of course! Who are we, my dear, to bother the big-wigs and + stir their bile? + Why, it's all along of our "discontent," and the Agitator's insidious + guile. + But Labour, BET, is agog just now to revise the old one-sided pacts, + And even a Laundress may have an eye to the benefit of the Factory Acts. + + Those bad, bad 'Busmen, BET my girl, claim shorter hours, and a longer + pay; + Just think of such for the Slaves of the Tub! Why should we women not + have our say + In the Park o' Sunday, like DAN the Docker, or TOM the Tailor, or WILL + the "Whip"? + The Tub and the Ironing-board appear to have got a chance--which they + mustn't let slip: + + An Object Lesson in Laundress Labour, may move the callous and shame + the quiz. + We dream of "Washing as well it might be"; we'll show them "Washing as + now it is." + _We_ know it, BET, in the sodden wet and the choking fume; with the + aching back, + The long, long hours, and the typhoid taint, the inverted pail and the + hurried snack. + + There may--who knows?--be hope for us yet, for you and me, BET! Just + think o' that! + Oh, I know it is hard to believe it, my girl. The Sweater's strong, and + appeal falls flat + On official ears; and fine-lady fears, and household hurry against us go; + But "evil is wrought by want of thought." says some poet, I think;--so + we'll let them _know_! + + Ah! snowy sheets and sweet lavender scent of the dear old days in my + village home! + The breadths of linen a-bleach on the grass! How little I thought that + to this I'd come + Grand ladies of old to their laundry looked, and the tubs were white, + and the presses fair; + Now we cleansers clean in the midst of dirt, in a dank, dark den, with + a noisome air. + + Sometimes I dream till the clouds of steam take the shadowy form of a + spectral thing, + A tyrant terror that threatens our lives, whilst we rub and scrub, whilst + we rinse and wring. + Well, cheer up, BET, girl, stiffen your lip, and straighten your back. + You have finished your grub, + So to work once more; if our champions score, we _may_ find a new end to + this Tale of a Tub! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CURE FOR INFLUENZA. + +_Major O'Gourmand_. "SURE, ME DOCTHOR SAID A GLASS OR TWO OF DRY +CHAMPAGNE'LL DO ME GOOD! BEGORRAH, THE BOTTLE'S DRY ENOUGH BY THIS TIME!"] + + * * * * * + +STRIKING INTELLIGENCE.--A PAGE FROM A LONDONER'S DIARY. + +_Sunday_.--Can scarcely believe the news! What, no omnibuses! A +strike! What _shall_ we do? Fortunately always go to church on foot, +so no loss in that. Then subsequent parade in the Park--don't require +an omnibus for that, either. At the end of the day, can say that, take +one thing with another, state of affairs more comfortable than might +have been anticipated. + +_Monday_.--Dreaded continuance of strike, but found, practically, +little inconvenience. Had to walk to the office, and enjoyed the +promenade immensely. Had no idea that a stroll along the Embankment +was so delightful. After all, one can exist without omnibuses--at +least, for a time. + +_Tuesday_.--Find that people who were at their wits' end at the mere +suggestion of a strike, are becoming reconciled to the situation. +Streets certainly pleasanter without the omnibuses. Great, lumbering +conveyances, filling up the road, and stopping the traffic! London +looks twice as well without them! Tradesmen, too, say that the shops +are just as well attended now as when the two great Companies were in +full swing. + +_Wednesday_.--Can't see what the omnibus people (both sides--Directors +and _employes_) are quarrelling about. No matter of mine, and the +Public are only too glad for a chance of a good walk. Fifty per cent. +better since I have been obliged to give up the morning 'bus. Asked +to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. Certainly +not, the longer the strike lasts the worse for the Public. + +_Thursday_.--Really the present state of affairs is delightful. I +have to thank the deadlock for teaching me to patronise the river +steamboats. Pleasant journey from Vauxhall to the Temple for a penny! +No idea that the Thames was so pretty at Westminster. View of the +Houses of Parliament and the Embankment capital. + +_Friday_.--Strike continues. Well I do not complain. Hired a hansom +and find that considering the cab takes you up to door, it is really +cheaper in the long run. If you use an omnibus, you get jolted, and +run a chance of smashing your hat. If it rains you get splashed and +having to finish your journey on foot, you might just as well have +walked the whole way. + +_Saturday_.--Strike arranged to cease on Monday! This is too much! +Just as we were getting comfortable, all the disgusting lumbering old +omnibuses are to come back again! It ought not to be allowed. Asked +to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. Certainly, +the longer the strike lasts the better for the Public. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?!! + +_First Slender Invalid_. "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT A BEASTLY THING THIS +INFLUENZA IS, EH? I'M JUST GETTING OVER IT." + +_His Wasting Friend_. "AH! YOU'RE RIGHT, MY BOY! I'VE HAD IT TOO, AND +THE WORST OF IT IS, IT _PULLS A FELLOW DOWN_ SO FEARFULLY!!"] + + * * * * * + +EXPLANATIONS A LA MODE. + +(_A PROPHETIC FORECAST, BY A PROFESSIONAL PESSIMIST._) + +1891. The Leader of the House explains, in answer to a question, that +no understanding exists between England and any Foreign country. No +treaty is in contemplation, and never has been suggested on either +side. + +1892. The Government repeats that England is absolutely free from any +international engagements. It must not be thought for a moment that a +single battalion will be moved, or a solitary vessel dispatched abroad +with warlike intentions. + +1893. The Representative of the Cabinet once more denies the +suggestion that, under any consideration whatever, will England +bind herself to accept European responsibility. This has been said +constantly for the last three years, and the Representative of +the Cabinet is not only surprised but pained at these frequent and +embarrassing interrogations. + +1894. Once more, and for the last time, the PREMIER insists that +whatever may happen abroad, England will be free from interference. +It has been the policy of this great country for the last four years +to steer clear of all embarrassing international complications. The +other Great Powers are perfectly aware that, under no circumstances +whatever, will our Army and Fleet be employed in taking part in +the quarrels of our neighbours. The entire Cabinet are grieved at +questions so frequently put to them--questions that are not only +disquieting abroad, but a slur upon the intentions of men whose sole +duty is the safety and peace of the British Empire. + +1895. General European War--England in the midst of it! + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +BEFORE THE MECHANICAL MODELS. + +A SKETCH AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION. + + SCENE--_The Grounds. A string of Sightseers discovered passing + slowly in front of a row of glazed cases containing small + mechanical figures, which are set in motion in the usual + manner._ + +BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING A DYING CHILD. + +_A Gallant Swain_. That's the kid in bed, yer see. Like to see it die, +POLLY, eh? A penny does it. + +_Polly_ (_with a giggle_). Well, if it ain't _too_ 'arrowing. (_The +penny is dropped in, and the mechanical mother is instantly agitated +by the deepest maternal anxiety._) That's the mother kneeling by the +bed, I suppose--she do pray natural. There's the child waking up--see, +it's moving its 'ed. (_The little doll raises itself in bed, and then +falls back lifeless._) Ah, it's gone--look at the poor mother 'idin' +her face. + +_The G.S._ Well, it's all over. Come along and see something more +cheerful. + +_Polly_. Wait a bit--it isn't 'alf over yet. There's a angel got to +come and carry her away fust--there, the door's opening, that'll be +the angel come for it, I expect. (_Disappointed._) No, it's only +the doctor. (_A jerky and obviously incompetent little medical +practitioner puts his head in at the door, and on being motioned back +by the bereaved mother, retires with more delicacy than might have +been expected._) Well, he might ha' seen for himself if the child +_was_ dead! (_The back of the bed disappears, disclosing a well-known +picture of an angel flying upwards with a child._) I did think they'd +have a real angel, and not only a picture of one, and anyone can see +it's a different child--there's the child in bed just the same. I call +that a take-in! + +_The G.S._ I dunno what more you expect for a penny. + +_A Person on the Outskirts_ (_eagerly to Friend_). What happened? What +is it? I couldn't make it out over all the people's shoulders. + +_His Friend_. Dying child--not half bad either. You go and put in a +penny, and you'll see it well enough. + +_The P. on the O._ (_indignantly_). What, put in a penny for such +rubbish? Not me! + + [_He hangs about till someone else provides the necessary + coin._ + +_A Softhearted Female_. No, I couldn't stand there and look on. I +never _can_ bear them pathetic subjects. I felt just the same +with that picture of the Sick Child at the Academy, you know. +(_Meditatively._) And you don't have to put a penny in for _that_, +either. + +BEFORE ANOTHER BEDROOM SCENE REPRESENTING "THE DRUNKARD'S DELIRIUM." + +_First Woman_. That's 'im in bed, with the bottle in his 'and. He +likes to take his liquor comfortable, _he_ do. + +_Second Woman_. He's very neat and tidy, considering ain't he? I +wonder what his delirium is like. 'Ere, ROSY, come and put your penny +in as the gentleman give yer. (_ROSY, aged six, sacrifices her penny, +under protest._) Now, you look--you can't think what pretty things +you'll see. + + [_The little wooden drunkard sits up, applies the bottle to + his mouth, and sinks back contentedly; a demon, painted a + pleasing blue, rises slowly by his bed-side: the drunkard + takes a languid interest in him; the demon sinks._ + +_A Gentleman with a bloated complexion_ (_critically_). 'Ooever +did that--well, I dessay he's a very clever man, +but--(_compassionately_)--he don't know much about 'orrors, _he_ +don't! + +_A Facetious Friend. You_ could ha' told him a thing or two, eh, JIM? + +_The Bloated Gentleman_ (_contemptuously_). Well, if I never 'ad them +wuss than _that_! + + [_A small skeleton, in a shroud, looks in at the door._ + +_The F.F._ 'Ullo, 'ere's the King o' Terrors for yer! (_ROSY shows +signs of uneasiness; a blue demon comes out of a cupboard._) 'Ere's +another of 'em--quite a little party he's 'aving! + +_A Gentleman, in a white tie_ (_as the machinery stops_). Well, a +thing like this does more real good than many a temperance tract. + +_The Bloated G._ Yer right there, Guv'nor--it's bin a lesson to _me_, +I know that. 'Ere, will you come and 'ave a whiskey-sour along of me +and my friend 'ere'? + +BEFORE A MODEL REPRESENTING AN EXECUTION. + +_A Daughter_. But _why_ won't you 'put a penny into this one, Father? + +_The Father_ (_firmly_). Because I don't approve of Capital +Punishment, my dear. + +_A Cultivated Person_. An execution--"put a penny in; bell +tolls--gates open--scaffold shown with gallows. Executioner pulls +bolt--black flag"--dear, dear--most degrading, shocking taste! (_To +his Friend._) Oh, of course, I'll wait, if you want to see it--not got +a penny? Let me see--yes, _I_ can lend you one. (_He does; the penny +is put in--nothing happens._) Out of order, I suppose--scandalous! and +nobody to speak to about it--_most_ discreditable! Stop--what's +this? (_A sort of woolly beat is audible inside the prison; the C.P. +beams._) That's the bell tolling--it's all right, it's working! [_It +works._ + +_Another Spectator_. Very well done, that was--but they 'urried it +over a little too quick. I scarcely saw the man 'ung at all! + +_His Companion_. Put in another penny, and p'raps you'll see him cut +down, old chap. + +BEFORE THE FAIRY FORTUNE-TELLER'S GROTTO. + +_Susan Jane_ (_to her Soldier_.) Oh, ain't that pretty? I should like +to know what _my_ fortune is. [_She feels in her pocket._ + +_The Soldier_ (_who disapproves of useless expenditure_). Ain't you +put in enough bloomin' pennies? + +_Susan Jane_. This is the last. (_Reads Directions_.) Oh, you've got +to set the finger on the dial to the question you want answered, and +then put your penny in. What shall I ask her? + +_Soldier_. Anyone would think you meant to go by the answer, to hear +you talk! + +_Susan Jane_. P'raps I do. (_Coquettishly, as she sets the index to a +printed question._) Now, you mustn't look. I won't 'ave _you_ see what +I ask! + +_Soldier_ (_loftily_). _I_ don't want to look, I tell yer--it's +nothing to me. + +_Susan Jane_. But you _are_ looking--I saw you. [_A curious and deeply +interested crowd collects around them._ + +_Soldier_. Honour bright, I ain't seen nothing. Are you going to be +all night over this 'ere tomfoolery? + + [_SUSAN JANE puts in a penny, blushing and tittering; a faint + musical tinkle is heard from the case, and the little fairies + begin to revolve in a solemn and mystic fashion; growing + excitement of crowd. A pasteboard bower falls aside, revealing + a small disc on which a sentence is inscribed._ + +_Person in Crowd_ (_reading slowly over SUSAN JANE's shoulder_). +"Yus; 'e is treuly worthy of your love." + +_Crowd_ (_delighted_). That's worth a penny to know, _ain't_ it, Miss? +_Your_ mind's easy now! It's the soldier she was meanin'. Ah,_'e_ +ought to feel satisfied too, after that! &c., &c. [_Confusion of +SUSAN JANE._ + +_Soldier_ (_as he departs with S.J._). Well, yer know, there's +something _in_ these things, when all's said! + +IN DEPARTING. + +_A Pleased Pleasure-seeker_. Ah, that's something like, that is! I've +seen the 'Aunted Miser, and the Man with the 'Orrors, and a Execution, +and a Dyin' Child--they do make you _larf_, yer know! + +_Second P.P._ Yes, it's a pity the rest o'the Exhibition ain't more +the same style, to my thinking! + +_A Captious Critic_. Well, they don't seem to me to 'ave much to do +with anything _naval_. + +_His Companion_. Why, it comes under machinery, don't it? You're so +bloomin' particular, you are! Wouldn't touch a glass o' beer 'ere, +unless it was brewed with salt-water, I suppose! Well, come on, +then--there's a bar 'andy! + + [_They adjourn for refreshment._ + + * * * * * + +PROVERBS PRO OMNIBUS.--Directly the Chairman of the General Omnibus +Company observed that if the men's demands were conceded the fares +would have to be raised, there was a rush to be the first out with +the old proverb about Penny wise and Pound foolish. However, "In for a +penny" remains as heretofore, the _employes_ having successfully gone +"in for a Pound." Let them now "take care of the pence," and they may +feel well assured that this particular POUND will be able to take care +of himself. Well, farewell the tranquillity of the streets of last +week! Henceforth not "chaos," but "'Bus 'os," has come again! + + * * * * * + +NOLENS VOLENS. + +[Illustration] + +Dear MR. PUNCH,--I hear that some people are in a great state of mind +lest some blessed Bill brought in by the Government, should "destroy +Voluntary Schools." What howling bosh! Why, there _are no_ Voluntary +Schools! No, they're all Compulsory, confound 'em! or who'd attend +'em? Not Yours disgustedly, + +A HUMAN BOY. + + * * * * * + +MR. WELLER & CO., AND THE 'BUS STRIKE.--Mr. SUTHERST seems to occupy, +as towards the 'Bus-drivers, a similar position to that filled by the +eminent _Mr. Solomon Pell_, the general adviser, and man of business +to the Elder _Mr. Weller_, and his professional coaching brethren. It +is to be hoped that the _Solomon Pell_ of the 'Bus-drivers has been +treated as liberally as was the real _Mr. Pell_, the friend of the +LORD CHANCELLOR, by _Mr. Weller_ Senior, the Mottle-faced Man, and +others. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +The most interesting book, one of the Baron's Retainers ("blythe and +gay,") has read this year is, _The Life of Laurence Oliphant_. If it +were not written by a reputable person, and published by so eminently +respectable a house as BLACKWOOD's, there would be difficulty about +accepting it as a true story of the life of a man whom some of us +knew, as lately living in London, wearing a frock coat, and even a +tall hat of cylindrical shape. Such a mingling of shrewd business +qualities and March madness as met in LAURENCE OLIPHANT is surely a +new thing. A man of gentle birth, of high culture, of wide experience, +of supreme ability, and, strangest of all, with a keen sense of +humour--that such an one should voluntarily step down from high social +position at the bidding of a vulgar, selfish, self-seeking, and, +according to some hints dropped here and there, grossly immoral man, +should, at beck of his fat forefinger, go forth to a strange land +to live amid sordid circumstances, and with uncongenial company, to +work as a common, farm-labourer, to peddle strawberries at a railway +station, passes belief. With respect to Mr. HARRIS, one feels inclined +to quote _Betsy Prig's_ remark touching one who may, peradventure, +have been a maternal relation. "I don't believe," said _Betsy_, +"there's no sich a person." But there was, and, stranger still, +there was a LAURENCE OLIPHANT to bend the knee to him. Not the least +striking thing in a book of rare value is the manner in which Mrs. +OLIPHANT has acquitted herself in a peculiarly difficult task. No man +would have had the restraining patience necessary to deal with the +HARRIS episodes as she has done. + +The Assistant Reader has been refreshing himself with _Lapsus Calami_, +by J.K.S., published by MACMILLAN and BOWES. It is a booklet of light +verse, containing here and there some remarkably brilliant pieces +of satire and parody. The first of two parodies of ROBERT BROWNING +is unsurpassable for successful audacity. The last poem in the book +is "An Election Address," written for, but apparently not used by, +the present POSTMASTER-GENERAL, when he was Candidate for Cambridge +University, in 1882. He says of himself, after confessing to a dislike +for literature and science,-- + + "But I have fostered, guided, planned + Commercial enterprise; in me + Some ten or twelve directors, and + Six worthy chairmen you may see." + +All the pieces are not so good as those cited--that would be too much +to expect--but "get it," say + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +MORTUARY. + + ANDREW LANGUAGE--no, LANG!--who the classics is pat in, + Suggests to our writers, as test of their "style," + Just to turn their equivocal prose into Latin, + As DRYDEN did. Truly the plan makes one smile! + Reviewers find Novelists' nonsense much weary 'em. + Writers of twaddle + Take DRYDEN a model-- + Turn your books into some great "_dead_ language"--and _bury_ 'em! + + * * * * * + +WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN TOLD DOWN EAST; + +_OR, A MAUVAIS JEW D'ESPRIT._ + +Will you, if you please, point out to me the way to the streets which, +I am told, are paved with gold? + +Where shall I find the employer of labour who, I have been told, will +instantly get me occupation at a wage of 60 roubles the week? + +Dear me! in this, then, your "White Chapel"? I was told it was a +luxurious quarter, famous for its Palaces. + +Surely this horrid den is not one of your model work-rooms? I was told +that such things existed only in Russia! + +And are these people who are scowling at and cursing me your typical +working population? Why, I was told that I should find them dear +brothers, waiting to welcome us with open arms. + +And is this pittance you offer me all that you pay for making a coat? +I was told that it was quite twelve times as much as this. + +Ah! I'm afraid I have been told, and have given credit to, a great +many things to which I never should have listened at all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. + +_Lady Godiva de Rougepott_. "I DON'T THINK ANY PAINTING LOOKS WELL IN +THIS HORRID ELECTRIC LIGHT!" + +_Hostess_ (_nettled_). "DON'T YOU, DEAR? PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER TO +REMAIN IN THE DRAWING-ROOM, WHERE THE LAMPS AND SHADES ARE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION. + + "To the bi-monthly exhibition of the Royal Horticultural + Society the Marquis of SALISBURY sent a magnificent + collection--of strawberries especially. Mr. W.H. SMITH showed + specimens of the same luscious fruit, for which he received + the thanks of the Society."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +_Head-Gardener_ SM-TH _soliloquiseth_:-- + +OHO! my beauty! If _you_ don't get a fust prize, and "receive the +thanks of the Society" I'm a cowcumber! "The Fruits of Early Industry +and Economy." Title of a picture by that splendid sample of the +industrious and the economical, GEORGE MORLAND, I believe. Yes, that's +it. My Industry and G-SCH-N's Economy. + + We are a moral family; + We are, we are, we are! + +All the cardinal virtues bound in--ahem! no matter. + +Talk of the Gigantic Gooseberry! What is that apocryphal monstrosity +compared with this Brobdingnagian Berry? [_Sings._ + + Bravo, my "British Queen"! + Long live my "British Queen"! + Brave "British Queen"! + Send it victorious, + First-Prizer glorious, + Fill Rads censorious + With envious spleen! + +As you _will_, my Beauty! When did swaggering H-RC-RT's horticulture +produce such goodly fruits? Or sour-mug'd M-RL-Y's? Or leary L-BBY's? +Or Slawkenbergian M-ND-LLA's? Or even that of the Grand Old Grower, +GL-DST-NE himself, with all his fluent patter about British Pomona, +and the native Jam-pot? + +I know the badly-beaten lot maintain that the plant is a "Sport" from +an old purchase of their own. Bless you, they claim _all_ the good +stocks--always did. Who cares? My young floricultural friend, JOE +of Birmingham, who knows a bit about fruits as well as concerning +orchids, let me tell you,--JOE, I say, laughs their preposterous +pretensions to scorn. Look at G-SCH-N's own particular plant there--a +bit late, but very promising, and probably destined to take a prize +before the season's over. Didn't JOE recommend the stock to GL-DST-NE +years ago? And didn't the haughty Hawarden horticulturist turn up his +nose at it as an "Unauthorised" intruder upon his own Prize Programme? +And, more by token, didn't JOE get the hump in consequence, cut the +old connection, and set up on his own account in the forcing-house +line, with a friendly leaning to our firm? Aha! "_Hinc illae +lachrymae_," as the Guv'nor would say. Hence, also, this Colossal +Strawberry! + +Thanks of the Society? I should rayther think so! They may chaff +"OLD MORALITY" as much as they like--but morality _pays_, even in +strawberry-growing; and my duty to my (British) Queen has brought +about _this_ triumph. Early Industry started it, and careful +horticultural Economy brought it to its present pitch of perfection. +Look at it! Size, shape, sweetness, scent, all superb! If the Season +shouldn't produce another Prize-Winner, this alone ought to satisfy +SOLLY. And if G-SCH-N's seedling, "Gratis," _should_ turn out a +triumph later on, why we shall score tremendously. Wish G-SCH-N would +"sit up and snort" less, and smile more. Patience and plenty of sun! +That's the tip for a horticulturist. Standing at the door and shying +stones at your neighbour's glasshouses, won't make your own fruit +ripen, if GEORGE JOKIM could only see it. As H-RT D-KE says, _tu +quoques_ are a nuisance, and want fumigating off the face of the +earth. JOKIM and ARTHUR B-LF-R a bit too fond of 'em for _my_ fancy. +However, all the "you're anothers" on earth can't affect my Strawberry +now, thanks be! _The_ Fruit of the Season, though I say it who perhaps +shouldn't. + + (_Sings._) From "Greenlands" sunny garden, + And vista'd vitreous panes, + We mean to rival Hawarden, + In glories and in gains. + I have produced, Sweet WILL-I-AM, + This Giant Strawber-ry, + In horticultural skill I am + A match for W.G.! [_Left chortling._ + + * * * * * + +THE VERY LAST ON THE 'BUS STRIKE.--After the comparative quiet of last +week, the streets of London will now be as 'bussy as ever. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION. + +W.H. SM-TH (_Head Gardener and Prize Exhibitor_). "HAD TO NIP OFF A +LOT OF BLOOMS TO GET HIM UP TO THIS SIZE!!" + + "At the Bimonthly Exhibition of the Royal Horticultural + Society ... Mr. W.H. SMITH showed specimens of the same + luscious fruit"--strawberries--"for which he received the + thanks of the Society."--_Daily Telegraph_, Wednesday, June 10.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE. + +PORTRAIT OF A LITERARY FRIEND, WHO, LIVING IN A MAIN THOROUGHFARE, +WAS AN ARDENT SUPPORTER OF THE 'BUS STRIKE, SUBSCRIBED TO ITS FUNDS, +ADD HOPED IT MIGHT LONG CONTINUE. HE SAYS HE HASN'T HAD SUCH A QUIET +TIME WITH HIS BOOKS FOR YEARS. BUT ALAS! SINCE LAST SUNDAY HE HAS NOT +SMILED AGAIN.] + + * * * * * + +MRS. GINGHAM ON THE GREAT 'BUS QUESTION. + + "The demand for 'Buses is immensely stimulated by their + presence, and when they are no longer there, the people who + thought them indispensable get on very well indeed without + them.... Under the influence of penny fares, Londoners are + rapidly forgetting how to walk."--_The Times_. + + Ah! it's all very fine, my good Sir, whosomever you are as writes such, + But of decent poor folk and their needs it is plain as you do not know + much. + Which I ain't quite so young as I was, nor as light, nor as smart on my + feet, + And you may not know quite what it is to be out late o' night and dead + beat, + Out Islington way, arter ten, with a bundle, a child, and a cage, + As canaries is skeery at night, and a seven mile walk, at my age, + All along of no 'Bus to be had, love or money, and cabs that there dear, + And a stitch in my side and short breath, ain't as nice as you + fancy,--no fear! + Likeways look at my JOHN every morning, ah! rain, hail or shine, up to + town, + With no trams running handy, and corns! As I sez to my friend Mrs. BROWN, + Bless the 'Buses, I sez, they're a boon to poor souls, as must travel + at times, + And we can't _all_ keep kerridges neither, wus luck! Penny Fares ain't + no crimes, + If you arsk me, as did ought to know. Which my feelings I own it does rouge + To hear big-wigs a-sneering at 'Buses. There may be a bit of a scrouge, + And the smell of damp straw mixed with pep'mint ain't nice to a dalicot + nose, + Likeways neat "Oh be Joyful's" a thing as with orange and snuff hardly + goes. + But we ain't all rekerky nor rich, we can't all afford sixpence a mile, + And when we are old, late, and tired, or it's wet, we can't think about + _style_. + The 'Bus is the poor body's kerridge, young feller--and as for your talk + About not never missing a lift, or forgetting--dear sakes!--_how_ to walk, + And the nice quiet streets and all that; why it's clear _you_ ain't been + a poor clerk + With a precious small "screw," in wet weather. Ah! you wouldn't find it + no lark + With thin boots and a 'ard 'acking cough, and three mile every day to and + thro', + Or a puffy old woman like me, out at Witsuntide wisiting JOE, + (My young son in the greengrocer line); or a governess, peaky and pale, + As has just overslep herself slightly, and can't git by cab or by rail. + "Ugly lumbering wehicles?" Ah! and we're ugly and lumbering too, + A lot of us poor Penny 'Bus fares, as isn't high-born or true-blue. + But the 'Bus is our help. Wery like some do ride as had far better walk, + Whether tip-toppy swells or poor shop-girls. But all that is trumpery talk. + What I arsk is, why shouldn't the 'Buses be kept a bit reglar, like Cabs, + In the matter of fares and of distances? Oh, a old woman it crabs + To hear of Perprietors pinching pore fellers as drive or conduck, + While the "Pirates" play up merry mag with the poor helpless fare, as gets + stuck + Betwixt Dividend-grinders and Strikers? It ought to be altered, _I_ say. + Whilst they talk of what 'Bus-folk should earn, they forget the pore + Publick--who _pay_! + + * * * * * + +LE PRINCE S'AMUSE. + +_AN APOLOGETIC IDYL._ + + My life is held to be a round of Pleasures; + All I can say is, they who thus would rate it, + For life's delights have most peculiar measures: + For though in plainest English they don't state it, + 'Tis clear "no recreation" meets their views, + Or why that sneering cry, "_Le Prince s'amuse?_" + + Or do they think a Prince, without repining, + Foundation-stones unceasingly is laying, + Rewarded with a glut of public dining, + The pangs of hunger ever to be staying, + Is recreation such as he would choose? + If so--I understand "_Le Prince s'amuse!_" + + But how a world that notes his daily doings, + The everlasting round of weary function,-- + The health-returnings, speeches, interviewings. + Can grudge him some relief, without compunction, + Seems quite to me "another pair of shoes!" + Dyspeptic is that cry, "_Le Prince s'amuse!_" + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN BRIGAND. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM THE ADVENTURES OF A RANSOMED PRISONER._) + +I must confess I was agreeably surprised at the treatment to which I +was subjected by my capturers. Instead of being loaded with chains +and confined in a cell beneath the castle's moat, I was given perfect +liberty, and had quite a pleasant suite of rooms. I should scarcely +have known that I was in durance had not one of the less refined of +the brigands shown me a revolver, and playfully informed me that its +contents were intended for me if I attempted to escape. The Chief was +absolutely charming. He treated me in the most courteous manner, and +ended his first interview with me by requesting "the honour of my +company at dinner." + +"You need not dress!" he observed, "although I like to put on a +tail-coat myself. But I know that you have had some difficulty with +my people about your luggage, and so I shall be only too delighted to +excuse _grande tenue_." + +The "difficulty" to which my host referred was the seizing of my +portmanteau by the gang of thieves of which he was the acknowledged +head. I suggested that I might possibly recover some of its contents. + +"I am afraid not," returned the Chieftain. "You see my people are very +methodical, and by this time I fear all the goods will have been sold. +The motto of the Club is 'small profits and quick returns.' We find no +difficulty in trading. As we carry on business on the most economical +principles, we can quote prices even cheaper than the Stores." + +And this I found to be the case. Although the brigands were very civil +to me, I was unable to trace any of my property. However, as my host +in the kindest manner had allowed me to dispense with ceremony, I +ventured to appear at dinner-time in my ordinary tourist's dress. + +"I am delighted to see you," said the Chief, speaking English for +the first time, "as you are now my guest, I must confess that we are +fellow countrymen." + +"Indeed!" I replied, considerably astonished. "If you are really of +British nationality, how is it that I find you a professional thief?" + +"You are mistaken," returned the Chief. "I merely belong to a society +for the redistribution of capital. You know we are all balloted for, +and I was myself afraid that I might get pilled." + +"Indeed!" I exclaimed, in a tone of surprise. "Surely your +accomplishments--for I noticed, on my arrival, that you were a +first-rate hand at lawn tennis, and played the flute--would have +secured your admission?" + +"Well," he returned with a smile, "I fancy they helped me with the +Committee. But unhappily my antecedents were bad--I had made a +fortune on the London Stock Exchange, and my books were scarcely as +satisfactory as our bandit auditors could have desired them to be. +However they took a kindly view of the case, and allowed me to pass +through. But pardon me, I see your ransom has arrived. I am afraid I +must say good bye. A pleasant journey." + +And shaking me warmly by the hand, he helped me into the conveyance +that was to take me back to home and freedom. I have never seen him +since. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.--HARTINGTONIANA.] + + * * * * * + +A COY COLOSSUS. + +PARIS, _June 15_.--It is stated here, on no authority whatever, that +when the CZAR was recently visiting the French Exhibition at Moscow, +his Imperial Majesty was heard to remark, "This makes me desire to see +the Boulevards again." A visit of the ruler of Russia to Paris during +the Summer is therefore considered to be certain. An offensive and +defensive Alliance between the two countries is said to be on the +point of signature. + +A few evenings ago, in a low _cafe_ in Belleville, M. NOKASHIKOFF, who +left St. Petersburg lately to escape his creditors, and who conceived +the happy idea of raising a little money by walking to Paris in a sack +composed of the French and Russian national flags stitched together, +was entertained to supper by his Gallic admirers. The proceedings, +especially towards midnight, were very enthusiastic. Throughout the +festivities, constant cries of "_Vive l'Alliance Franco-Russe!_" were +raised. This incident is said to have placed the immediate signature +of the Treaty between the CZAR and President CARNOT beyond a doubt. + +Last evening a foreigner, who by appearance would have been taken for +a Muscovite, was walking along the asphalte, when he was surrounded +by a crowd of persons crying "_Vive la Russie!_" The foreigner seemed +both surprised and annoyed by these attentions, and at length began to +use his fists and his boots liberally on the ringleaders of the mob. +This treatment, however, seemed only to increase their Russophil +ardour, and the stranger was soon hoisted on to the shoulders of some +of his foremost admirers, struggling violently. On the arrival of a +gendarme, he explained that he was an English book-maker, and that +"this bloomin' mob of boot-lickers had taken him for a bloomin' +Russian!" The crowd shortly afterwards dispersed. The completion +of the formal alliance between France and Russia is considered less +certain than it was a few days ago. + +The Frenchman, M. TETE-BOIS, who recently attempted to walk on his +head from Paris to Moscow, in order to show the sympathy felt in +France for the Muscovite Empire, did not succeed in carrying out his +design. He was stopped shortly after crossing the Russian frontier, +imprisoned, and heavily ironed. After suffering in this way for +a week, he was told that he must leave Russian territory within +twenty-four hours, or else continue his journey to Siberia. On being +appealed to, the CZAR graciously extended the time given for quitting +Russia to forty-eight hours. This Imperial clemency has caused the +widest feeling of gratitude and satisfaction in France, and the +signature of the definitive Alliance between the two countries is +confidently expected at an exceedingly early date. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. + +(_Dedicated to Lord Chief Justice Coleridge._) + +"THE LORD ARCHBISHOP OF NOVA SCOTIA, PRELATE OF THE ORDER OF THE SUN," +CAUGHT CHEATING AT CARDS (HYPOTHETICALLY) BY THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, +AND TAKEN, INSTANTANEOUSLY, BY OUR ARTIST.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, June 8_.--I knew DYKE first when +(good many years ago now) as DIZZY's whip he hunted in couple with +ROWLAND WINN; then always called HART DYKE. Like many other young men +he has in interval lost his HART, and now known as Sir WILLIAM DYKE. +Curious thing, as SARK reminds me, how absorbent is the name of +WILLIAM. Quite probable that before _Black-Eyed Susan's_ friend came +prominently on the stage he had some other Christian name, sunk when +he was promoted to shadow of yard-arm. Certainly there is an equally +eminent man sitting opposite DYKE in House to-night, who like him is +"Sir WILLIAM" to the present generation, and was VERNON HARCOURT to an +elder one. + +DYKE, under whatever name, done excellently well to-night. Holding +comparatively minor appointment in Ministry, suddenly finds himself +in charge of principal measure of Session. Handicapped, moreover, with +recollections of time when he has uncompromisingly declared himself +against the very principle he now embodies in Bill, and invites House +to add to Statute Book. + +That was first hedge for DYKE to take, and he went over in plucky +style that threw the scorner off his trail. Didn't live in close +communication with DIZZY through six long years for nothing. Not +likely to forget what happened in very earliest days of Parliament +of 1874, when DIZZY for first time found himself not only in office +but in power. During election campaign DIZZY, speaking in the safety +of Buckinghamshire, had made some wild statement about easing the +chains of Ireland. Simply designed to gain Irish vote; forgotten as +soon as spoken. But ROBERT MONTAGU--where, by the way, is ROBERT +MONTAGU?--treasured these things up in his heart, and when DIZZY +appeared in the House, Leader of triumphant majority, asked him what +he was going to do about it? + +"It is sometime since the observations referred to were made," said +DIZZY, "and--er--a good deal has happened in the interval." + +DYKE, recalling and admitting his former statements on Free +Education, did not attempt to minimise their import. "But." he said, +button-holing House as it were, and treating it quite confidentially, +"the fact is we all change our minds." House laughed at this as it +had laughed at DIZZY seventeen years ago, and DYKE, absolved and +encouraged, went forward with his speech. + +Not a brilliant oration in any way; neither exordium nor peroration, +and the middle occasionally a little mixed. But a good sensible +straightforward speech, and if DYKE had done no more than show that +an important Ministerial measure could be explained within limit of an +hour, he would not have lived in vain. + +_Business done._--Education Bill introduced. + +_Tuesday_.--Nothing at first sight in personal appearance of HERBERT +THOMAS KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN that suggests a swan. Fancy I have heard +something of these birds being addicted to the habit of breaking +forth into song when convinced of approaching dissolution. That, I +suppose, is how the swan was suggested to the mind when just now, +KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN rose from behind Ministers, and began to chant his +threnody. Resolution on which Education Bill grafted brought up for +report stage; agreed to, and HART DYKE about to bring in his Bill. +Then from the back seat rose a sturdy yeoman figure, and a powerful +voice was uplifted in denunciation of the Bill and of a Ministry that +had betrayed the trust of the Conservative Party. It was, so the swan +sang, a step on the road to Socialism. He feared it had come to pass +that dangerous measures are more likely to emanate from the Treasury +Bench than from the Front Bench opposite. + +Liberals roared with delighted laughter and cheers; the Conservatives +sat glum and ill-at-ease. OLD MORALITY's white teeth gleamed with a +spasmodic smile. As for JOKIM he folded his arms, and bit his lips and +frowned. + +"What antiquated nonsense this is!" he muttered, "of course Free +Education is not a Conservative principle. They all protested against +it at the General Election. A year earlier I, who happened at the +time to be numbered in the Liberal ranks, put my back against the +wall, and, picturing the evils that would befall my country if its +institutions were thus demoralised, I said I would die before I would +lend a hand to free the schools. But you see, TOBY, _I haven't died_, +and that changes the whole situation. Not only enables me to retain +my place in Government bringing in Free Education, but permits +me, as CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, actually to find the means +for carrying out the system. Can't understand a fellow like this +KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN sticking to his principles when it becomes +expedient to swallow them. He's a disgrace to a family that counts +BRABOURNE as its head." + +[Illustration: "A Progressive Conservative." (_Vide Dod._)] + +"HUGESSEN's a good fellow," said ISAACSON; "wears well, but is +politically a fossil. Now _I'm_ a progressive Conservative, which I +think you'll find, TOBY, my boy, to be about the time of day." + +_Business done_.--Assisted Education Bill; firmly led up to table by +HART DYKE. + +_Wednesday_.--Lively fight round Deceased Wife's Sister Bill. Ascot +in vain held forth its attractions; supporters of the Bill hoped +opponents would go; opponents came down rather expecting HENEAGE's +virtue would have given way, and Ascot would have claimed him as its +own. But everybody there--MAKINS's men with long list of Amendments +warranted to keep things going till half-past five, when progress +must be reported, and chance of Bill for present Session lost. MAKINS +himself in high oratorical feather. OSBORNE-AP-MORGAN, having made a +proposition and subsequently withdrawn it, MAKINS, putting on severest +judicial aspect, observed, "It is all very well for the Right Hon. +and learned Gentleman to make a legal JONAH of himself and swallow his +opinions." + +"Bless us all!" cried ROWNTREE, looking on with blank amazement, +"MAKINS evidently thinks that JONAH swallowed the whale." Bill +seemed to shatter friendships and dissever old alliances. SQUIRE of +MALWOOD naturally at home in the fray, but rather startling to find +HOME SECRETARY running amuck at CHAMBERLAIN. MATTHEWS in his most +hoity-toity mood; quivered with indignation; thumped the table; shook +a forensic forefinger at the undesignedly offending JOSEPH, and, +generally, went on the rampage. As for HENEAGE, he filled up any +little pause in uproar by diving in and moving the Closure. Once, +whilst GEDGE was opposing an Amendment hostile to Bill, HENEAGE dashed +in with his Closure motion. GEDGE's face a study; mingled surprise, +indignation, and ineffable regret mantled his mobile front. + +[Illustration: "Bless us all!"] + +"To think," he said afterwards, "that just when I was coming to +HENEAGE's help with an argument founded on profound study and pointed +with legal lore, he should suddenly jump up, lower his head, and, as +it were, butt me in the stomach with the Closure. It is more than I +can at the moment comprehend." + +GEDGE so flurried that when Members returned, after Division on +Closure, he being, in accordance with the rule, seated and wearing his +hat, wanted to argue out the question with COURTNEY. + +"I submit, Sir," he said, "that the Hon. Member, in moving the +Closure, controverted Rule 186." + +The Chairman: "I think the Hon. Member can scarcely have read the +Rule." + +Mr. GEDGE: "I have read the Rule, Sir. This is what it says--" + +Chairman: "Order! Order!" and GEDGE subsided. + +Then TOMLINSON fortuitously turning up on Treasury Bench, joined in +conversation. But COURTNEY turned upon him with such a thunderous +cry of "Order! Order!" that TOMLINSON visibly shrivelled up, and his +sentence, like the unfinished window in ALLADIN's Tower, unfinished +must remain. + +Wrangling went on till a quarter past five, when TALBOT interposed, +and with most funereal manner moved to report progress. HENEAGE almost +mechanically lowered his head and had started to butt at TALBOT as +he had upset GEDGE when he was providentially stopped and convinced +that further struggle with obstruction was hopeless. So, Clause I. +agreed to, Bill talked out. MAKINS, growing increasingly delightful, +protested that a Bill that had been fifty years before the country, +was not to be rushed through the House on a Wednesday afternoon. +_Argal_, the more familiar the House is with the details of a measure, +the more necessary is it to debate it. + +_Business done_.--Marriage with a Deceased Wife's Sister. Banns again +objected to. + +_Saturday_, 1:25 A M.--Land Bill just through report stage. Nothing +left now but Third Reading. "Well, KNOX," said WINDBAG SEXTON, "that +will be our last opportunity, and we must make the most of it. In +meantime I think we've done pretty well. I'm especially pleased with +you. You're a boy of great promise. If anything happened to me--a +stray tack in the bench, or a pin maliciously directed, and the +wind-bag were to collapse--you'd do capitally, till I got it +repaired." + +WINDBAG JUNIOR blushed. As OLD MORALITY remarks, Ingenuous youth +delights in the Approbation of Seasoned Seniority. + +_Business done_.--Land at last--I mean Land Purchase Bill through at +last. + + * * * * * + +THE GENERAL OF THE FUTURE. + + SCENE--_Tent in rear of a Battle-field. Political Officer in + attendance upon Army, waiting for Military assistance._ + +_Political Officer_ (_impatiently_). Now then, Orderly, have you not +been able to secure a General for me? + +_Orderly_ (_saluting_). Beg pardon, Sir, but it's so difficult, since +they have passed that new Royal Warrant, to know which is which. + +_Pol. Off._ (_more impatiently_). Nonsense!--any General Officer will +do. _Ord_. Very good, Sir. + + [_Exit. Political Officer stamps his foot irritably, when + enter First General Officer, hurriedly._ + +_First Gen. Off._ Well, Sir, how can I assist you? + +_Pol. Off._ (_cordially_). Glad to see you, General. Fact is, +supposing we arrange a treaty, do you think it would be wise to +surrender the fortress on the right side of the river, if we retain +the redoubt near the wood as a basis of operations? You see-- + +_First Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Very sorry, but don't know +anything about it. + +_Pol. Off._ (_annoyed_). But aren't you a General? + +_First Gen. Off._ Certainly. General-Surgeon. Ta, ta! [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ Well of all the--(_Enter Second Gen. Off._) Well, Sir, +what is it? Who are you? + +_Second Gen. Off._ I am a General Officer, and I was told you required +my poor services. + +_Pol. Off._ So I do. The fact is, General, supposing we arrange a +treaty, do you think it wise for us to surrender the fortress-- + +_Second Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Alas! my dear friend, I fear I +can be of no help to you--it is entirely out of my line. + +_Pol. Off._ (_annoyed_). But aren't you a General? + +_Second Gen. Off._ Certainly. A General-Chaplain. Farewell, dear +friend. [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ Well of all the--(_Enter Third General Officer._) Well, +Sir, who and what are you? + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_briskly_). A General. Now then, look sharp! No +time to lose. Hear you require me. How can I help you? + +_Pol. Off._ (_aside_). Ah, this is the sort of man I want! (_Aloud._) +Well then, General, we are arranging a treaty, and I want your advice +about retaining a fortress on the right of the river-- + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Sorry. Can't help! Not my +province. Good bye! [_Exit._ + +_Pol. Off._ (_shouting after him_). But aren't you a General? + +_Third Gen. Off._ (_voice heard in the distance_.) Yes. +General-Postman! + + [_Scene closes in upon political official language unfit for + publication._ + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL NOTES.--_Saturday Afternoon_.--Albert Hall jubilant. M. +PLANCON or PLANCON--the production of the "c" depending on the state +of his voice--was encored and "obliged again." So did Madame ALBANI, +who was in superb voice. But her accompanist, M. CARRODUS, who had +given us one violin _obbligato_, did _not_ obbligato again, and so +Madame sang, admirably of course, the ever-welcome "_Home, Sweet +Home_." GIULIA RAVOGLI gave her great _Orpheo_ song, and DRURIOLANUS, +practising courtly attitudes, as one preparing to receive a German +Emperor, smole beamingly on the gratified audience. At The Garden, +_Mireille_, revived on Wednesday last, hasn't much life in her, but +Miss EAMES charming. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, June 20, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13422.txt or 13422.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/4/2/13422/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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