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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100,
+May 23, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 23, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 2, 2004 [EBook #13352]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+May 23, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.
+
+(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION, BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._)
+
+NO. IV.--THE WILD DUCK.
+
+ACT I.
+
+    _At WERLE's house. In front a richly-upholstered study.
+    (R.) a green-baize door leading to WERLE's office. At back,
+    open folding doors, revealing an elegant dining-room, in
+    which a brilliant Norwegian dinner-party is going on. Hired
+    Waiters in profusion. A glass is tapped with a knife. Shouts
+    of "Bravo!" Old Mr. WERLE is heard making a long speech,
+    proposing--according to the custom of Norwegian society on
+    such occasions--the health of his Housekeeper, Mrs. SÖRBY.
+    Presently several short-sighted, flabby, and thin-haired
+    Chamberlains, enter from the dining-room, with HIALMAR
+    EKDAL, who writhes shyly under their remarks._
+
+_A Chamberlain_. As we are the sole surviving specimens of Norwegian
+nobility, suppose we sustain our reputation as aristocratic sparklers
+by enlarging upon the enormous amount we have eaten, and chaffing
+HIALMAR EKDAL, the friend of our host's son, for being a professional
+Photographer?
+
+[Illustration: "Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!"]
+
+_The other Chamberlains_. Bravo! We will.
+
+    [_They do; delight of HIALMAR. Old WERLE comes in, leaning
+    on his Housekeeper's arm, followed by his son, GREGERS
+    WERLE._
+
+_Old Werle_ (_dejectedly_). Thirteen at table! (_To_ GREGERS, _with
+a meaning glance at_ HIALMAR.) This is the result of inviting an old
+College friend who has turned Photographer! Wasting vintage wines on
+_him_, indeed!
+
+    [_He passes on gloomily._
+
+_Hialmar_ (_to Gregers_). I am almost sorry I came. Your old min is
+_not_ friendly. Yet he set me up as a Photographer fifteen years ago.
+_Now_ he takes me down! But for him, I should never have married GINA,
+who, you may remember, was a servant in your family once.
+
+_Gregers_. What? my old College friend married fifteen years ago--and
+to our GINA, of all people! If I had not been up at the works all
+these years, I suppose I should have heard something of such an event.
+But my father never mentioned it. Odd!
+
+    [_He ponders; Old EKDAL comes out through the green-baize
+    door, bowing, and begging pardon, carrying copying work. Old
+    WERLE says "Ugh" and "Puh" involuntarily. HIALMAR shrinks
+    back, and looks another way. A Chamberlain asks him
+    pleasantly if he knows that old man._
+
+_Hialmar_. I--oh no. Not in the least. No relation!
+
+_Gregers_ (_shocked_). What, HIALMAR, you, with your great soul, deny
+your own father!
+
+_Hialmar_ (_vehemently_). Of course--what else _can_ a Photographer
+do with a disreputable old parent, who has been in a Penitentiary
+for making a fraudulent map? I shall leave this splendid banquet. The
+Chamberlains are not kind to me, and I feel the crushing hand of fate
+on my head! [_Goes out hastily, feeling it._
+
+_Mrs. Sörby_ (_archly_). Any Nobleman here say "Cold Punch"?
+
+    [_Every Nobleman says "Cold Punch," and follows her out in
+    search of it with enthusiasm. GREGERS approaches his father,
+    who wishes he would go._
+
+_Gregers_. Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you. I am
+nothing if not candid. Old EKDAL was your partner once, and it's my
+firm belief you deserved a prison quite as much as he did. However,
+you surely need not have married our GINA to my old friend HIALMAR.
+You know very well she was no better than she should have been!
+
+_Old Werle_. True--but then no more is Mrs. SÖRBY. And _I_ am going to
+marry _her_--if you have no objection, that is.
+
+_Gregers_. None in the world! How can I object to a stepmother who
+is playing Blind Man's Buff at the present moment with the Norwegian
+nobility? I am not so overstrained as all that. But really I can_not_
+allow my old friend HIALMAR, with his great, confiding, childlike
+mind, to remain in contented ignorance of GINA's past. No, I see my
+mission in life at last! I shall take my hat, and inform him that his
+home is built upon a lie. He will be _so_ much obliged to me! [_Takes
+his hat, and goes out._
+
+_Old Werle_. Ha!--I am a wealthy merchant, of dubious morals, and I
+am about to marry my housekeeper, who is on intimate terms with the
+Norwegian aristocracy. I have a son who loathes me, and who is either
+an Ibsenian satire on the Master's own ideals, or else an utterly
+impossible prig--I don't know or care which. Altogether, I flatter
+myself my household affords an accurate and realistic picture of
+Scandinavian Society!
+
+ACT II.
+
+    _HIALMAR EKDAL's Photographic Studio. Cameras, neck-rests,
+    and other instruments of torture lying about. GINA EKDAL and
+    HEDWIG, her daughter, aged 14, and wearing spectacles,
+    discovered sitting up for HIALMAR._
+
+_Hedvig_. Grandpapa is in his room with a bottle of brandy and a jug
+of hot water, doing some fresh copying work. Father is in society,
+dining out. He promised he would bring me home something nice!
+
+_Hialmar_ (_coming in, in evening dress_). And he has not forgotten
+his promise, my child. Behold! (_he presents her with the menu card;
+HEDVIG gulps down her tears_; HIALMAR _notices her disappointment,
+with annoyance._) And this all the gratitude I get! After dining out
+and coming home in a dress-coat and boots, which are disgracefully
+tight! Well, well, just to show you how hurt I am, I won't have any
+_beer_ now! What a selfish brute I am! (_Relenting._) You may bring
+me just a little drop. (_He bursts into tears._) I will play you a
+plaintive Bohemian dance on my flute. (_He does._) No beer at such a
+sacred moment as this! (_He drinks._) Ha, this is real domestic bliss!
+
+    [_GREGERS WERLE comes in, in a countrified suit._
+
+_Gregers_. I have left my father's home--dinner-party and all--for
+ever. I am coming to lodge with you.
+
+_Hialmar_ (_still melancholy_). Have some bread and butter. You won't?
+then I _will_. I want it, after your father's lavish hospitality.
+(_HEDVIG goes to fetch bread and butter._) My daughter--a poor
+shortsighted little thing--but mine own.
+
+_Gregers_. My father has had to take to strong glasses, too--he
+can hardly see after dinner. (_To Old EKDAL, who stumbles in very
+drunk._) How can you, Lieutenant EKDAL, who were such a keen sportsman
+once, live in this poky little hole?
+
+_Old Ekdal_. I am a sportsman still. The only difference is that once
+I shot bears in a forest, and now I pot tame rabbits in a garret.
+Quite as amusing--and safer.
+
+    [_He goes to sleep on a sofa._
+
+_Hialmar_ (_with pride_). It is quite true. You shall see.
+
+    [_He pushes back sliding doors, and reveals a garret full of
+    rabbits and poultry--moonlight effect. HEDVIG returns with
+    bread and butter._
+
+_Hedvig_ (_to GREGERS_). If you stand just there, you get the best
+view of our Wild Duck. We are very proud of her, because she gives the
+play its title, you know, and has to be brought into the dialogue a
+good deal. Your father, peppered her out shooting, and we saved her
+life.
+
+_Hialmar_. Yes, GREGERS, our estate is not large--but still we
+preserve, you see. And my poor old father and I sometimes get a day's
+gunning in the garret. He shoots with a pistol, which my illiterate
+wife here _will_ call a "pigstol." He once, when he got into trouble,
+pointed it at himself. But the descendant of two lieutenant-colonels
+who had never quailed before living rabbit yet, faltered then. He
+_didn't_ shoot. Then I put it to my own head. But at the decisive
+moment, I won the victory over myself. I remained in life. Now we
+only shoot rabbits and fowls with it. After all I am very happy and
+contented as I am. [_He eats some bread and butter._
+
+_Gregers_. But you ought _not_ to be. You have a good deal of the
+Wild Duck about you. So have your wife and daughter. You are living
+in marsh vapours. To-morrow I will take you out for a walk and explain
+what I mean. It is my mission in life. Good night! [_He goes out._
+
+_Gina and Hedwig_. What _was_ the gentleman talking about, Father?
+
+_Hialmar_ (_eating bread and butter_). He has been dining, you know.
+No matter--what _we_ have to do now, is to put my disreputable old
+whitehaired pariah of a parent to bed.
+
+    [_He and GINA lift old ECCLES--we mean old EKDAL--up by the
+    legs and arms, and take him off to led as the Curtain falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKNEY MOTTO FOR A FEEBLE CRICKETER.--"Take 'Art of GRACE!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL.
+(_See opposite page._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KEY TO THE PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE.
+
+_Arms_.--Quarterly: 1. A female figure habited in white robes reaching
+to the ankles, with Arms elevated, all quite proper, for _Grace_. 2.
+A wildman or ratepayer rampant, for _Thrift_. 3. A bend (or bar)
+sinister on a chart vert, for _Bloomsbury_. 4. Three demi-councillors,
+wings elevated, regardant an empty seat, for _Vacancy_.
+
+_Crest_.--On a beadle's hat erased, a new broom.
+
+_Supporters_.--Dexter, a Paul Pry regardant, grasping an eyeglass
+sinister. Sinister, a Stiggins. Both gorged.
+
+_Motto_.--"_Ubi nunc sumus?_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAMILIARITY BREEDS RESPECT.
+
+(_A PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A WOULD-BE BUT COULDN'T-BE DUELLIST._)
+
+_Monday_.--Arrived on the ground ready to fight my opponent to the
+death. We had just measured the ground, when an agent of Police
+appeared upon the scene, and we had to decamp hurriedly. Duel
+postponed till to-morrow.
+
+_Tuesday_.--New spot chosen. Pistols this time instead of rapiers.
+Just as we were about to fire, appearance of the agents of the law.
+Postponement again absolutely necessary.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Once more ready to meet. Both of us rather amused at
+the precautions we have to take to prevent interruption. Opponent
+obligingly suggested a new and suitable spot for the settlement of
+our little differences. Found it to be a most excellent selection,
+but before we could fight, once more interrupted. Both of us greatly
+annoyed, and arranged to meet to-morrow.
+
+_Thursday_.--Amused to find myself first in the field--my opponent
+five minutes late. Both of us had come before the seconds, and so
+spent the time in a pleasant little chat, and cigarettes. My opponent
+not half a bad fellow when you come to know him. Just as he was in the
+middle of a most amusing story, our seconds arrived--with the Police!
+Postponement once more imperative.
+
+_Friday_.--Opponent turned up first, and, at my request, completed
+his yesterday's story--one of the best I have ever heard. Most amusing
+chap--should have liked to have heard another, when, finding ourselves
+uninterrupted, we thought we had better seize the opportunity to
+settle our affair of honour. Our customary luck! Seemingly had just
+time to kill one another, when enter the Police! Programme as before.
+
+_Saturday_.--Met again. Really quite pleased to have made the
+acquaintance of such a nice fellow as my opponent. Full of fun and
+anecdote. On comparing notes, we found that we had entirely forgotten
+what on earth we had quarrelled about. So shook hands and arranged
+that if we fired at anyone, our target should be the Police.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PLEA FOR THE CART-HORSE PARADE SOCIETY.
+
+  All who love English horses, and back English Trade,
+  Should welcome the annual "Cart-Horse Parade."
+  No function of Fashion on Racecourse or Row
+  Should "fetch" our equestrian enthusiast so.
+  First-rate English horses in holiday guise!
+  A sight that to please a true Britisher's eyes.
+  And then the Society--surely _that_ will be
+  Supported by Britons. Ask good WALTER GILBEY
+  (Cambridge House, Regent's Park). He will tell you no doubt
+  What the C.-H.P.S. have, some time, been about.
+  Fancy prizes to Carmen for care of their horses!
+  That charms a horse-lover. To plump the resources
+  Of such a Society--by their support
+  In subscriptions--all friends of the horse and of sport
+  Should surely be eager; so, horse-lovers willing,
+  Despatch the gold pound plus the odd silver shilling!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HISTORY AND ART.--Doubts have been thrown on the genuineness of the
+story about St. ELIZABETH of Hungary as illustrated by Mr. CALDERON's
+well-known and striking picture in this year's Academy. Mr. CALDERON
+affirms, according to the best of his high lights, that he has simply
+portrayed the naked truth. So far, in a certain sense, the Court is
+with him. Still, historians are neither unbiassed nor infallible, and
+painters are inclined to sacrifice much for effect. For our part,
+we should be inclined to refer the situation, which this picture
+illustrates, to some incident in the life of the celebrated Miss
+ELIZABETH MARTIN, generally known as "BETTY MARTIN." The legend may
+be found in some work by that voluminous writer _Finis_, or by the
+oft-quoted _Ibid_, under the quaint heading, _Historia Mei et Beati
+Martini_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)
+
+[Illustration: No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on
+the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 259. "A Select Committee." H. Stacy Marks, R.A.]
+
+No. 278. "_The Fleecy Charge_." A title that suggests an attempt at
+extortion, but is here applied to _A picture in wool-work_ by the
+veteran, T. SYDNEY COOPER, R.A. Of course whatever the artist may ask
+for it, it will always be "sheep at the price."
+
+No. 388. "_Writing a Message to St. Helena_." Hope St. Helena received
+it. Probably forwarded by a winged messenger as suggested by the name
+of the artist, which is EYRE CROWE, A.
+
+No. 519. "_Gorse_." By DAVID MURRAY. Good? Why certainly, as a matter
+of gorse.
+
+No. 697. Rather mixed subject, being "_Eventide_" by KNIGHT.
+
+No. 1161. "_A Maiden Fair_." By G.A. STOREY, A. Never heard of such a
+thing as "a Maiden Fair," except in Oriental countries. She seems to
+be having all the fun of the Fair to herself. This concludes a series
+of Storeys in four numbers, 356, 704, 1043 and 1161, making up his
+"Tale." "And now my STOREY's done," that is, for this Season.
+
+SCULPTURE.
+
+No. 1962. "_Triumph_" of ADRIAN JONES. It is so. Quite a triumph. The
+SMITHS, BROWNS and ROBINSONS nowhere compared with A. JONES.
+
+No. 2001. "_H.M. Stanley--bust._" Is he? Poor STANLEY! It is to be
+hoped that the EMIN-ent explorer will forgive the sculptor, who is
+C.B. BIRCH, A. Fancy the indomitable STANLEY never yet beaten, but
+BIRCH'd at last!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. XVIII.--MARIAN MUFFET: A ROMANCE OF BLACKMORE.
+
+(_BY_ R.D. EXMOOR, _AUTHOR OF "BORN A SPOON;" "PADDOCK ROWEL;" "WIT
+AND WITTY;" "TIPS FOR MARRIERS;" "SCARE A FAWN;" "'BRELLAS FOR RAIN,"
+&C., &C., &C._)
+
+    ["This," writes Mr. EXMOOR, "is another of my simple tales.
+    Yet I send it forth into the world thinking that haply there
+    may be some, and they not of the baser sort, who reading
+    therein as the humour takes them, may draw from it nurture
+    for their minds. For truly it is in the nature of fruit-trees,
+    whereof, without undue vaunting, I may claim to know somewhat,
+    that the birds of the air, the tits, the wrens, ay, even unto
+    the saucy little sparrows, whose firm spirit in warfare hath
+    ever been one of my chiefest marvels, should gather in the
+    branches seeking for provender. So in books, and herein too
+    I have some small knowledge, those that are of the ripest
+    sort are ever the first to be devoured. And if the public
+    be pleased, how shall he that made the book feel aught but
+    gratitude. Therefore I let it go, not being blind in truth
+    to the faults thereof, but with humble confidence too in much
+    compensating merit."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Fate, that makes sport alike of peasants and of kings, turning the
+one to honour and a high seat, and making the other to lie low in the
+estimation of men, though haply (as 'tis said in our parish) he think
+no small beer of himself, hath seemingly ordained that I, THOMAS
+TIDDLER, should set down in order some doings wherein I had a share.
+And herein I make no show of learning, being but an undoctrined farmer
+and not skilled in the tricks of style, as the word is in these parts,
+but trusting simply to strength and honesty (whereof, God knows,
+there is but little beyond the limits of our farm), and to that breezy
+carriage of the pen which favoureth a plain man treading sturdily the
+winding paths and rough places of his native tongue. Notwithstanding
+I take no small encouragement from this, that whereas of those that
+have made to my knowledge the bravest boasting and the loudest puffing
+(though of this I am loth to speak, never having had a stomach for
+the work), the writings often perish neglectfully and nothing said,
+some, writing afar in quiet places removed from the busy rabblement
+of towns, not seldom steer their course to fame and riches, whereof,
+thanks be to Heaven, I never yet had covetousness, deeming theirs the
+happier lot to whom a dry crust with haply a slice of our good country
+cheese and a draught of the foaming cider bring contentment. Each to
+his own fashion, say I, and the fashion of the TIDDLERS hath always
+been in a manner plain and unvarnished, like to the large oak press
+wherein mother stores her Sunday gown and other woman's finery such
+as the mind of man, being at best but a coarse week-day creature, hath
+never fairly conceived. But lo! I am tarrying on my way, losing myself
+in a maze of cheap fancies, while the reader perchance yawns and
+stretches his limbs as though for bed. All I know is paper and ink are
+cheaper than when I began to write.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+Now it fell on a Summer morning, I being then but newly come home
+from the Farmers' College, in the ancient town of Cambridge, that our
+whole household was gathered together in our parlour. Mother sat by
+the head of the great table, ladling out a savoury mess of porridge,
+not rashly, as the custom of some is, but carefully, like a prudent
+housewife, guarding her own. And by her side sat MOLLY and BETTY, her
+daughters, and next to them the maids, and they that pertained to the
+work of the house. First came old POLLY THISTLEDEW, gaunt of face, and
+parched of skin, the wrinkles running athwart her face, and over her
+hooked nose, like to the rivers drawn with much labour of meandering
+pen in the schoolboys' maps, though for such my marks were always low,
+I being better skilled in the giving of raps with the closed fist than
+in the making of maps with inky fingers--a bootless toil, as it always
+hath seemed to me. Next to her sat SALLY, the little milkmaid, casting
+coy glances at mother, who would have none of them, but with undue
+sternness, as I thought then, and still think, tossed them back to the
+shame-faced SALLY. Lower down sat JOHN TOOKER, "GIRT JAN DOUBLEFACE"
+he was ever called, not without a sly hint of increasing obesity,
+for JOHN, though a mighty man of thews and sinews, was no small
+trencherman, and, as the phrase is, did himself right royally whenever
+porridge was in question. All these sat, peaceably swallowing, while
+I, at the table's foot, faced mother, stirring my steaming bowl with
+my forefinger, forgetting the heat thereof, but not daring to wince,
+lest BETTY, whose tongue cut shrewdly when she had a mind, should make
+sport of me.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+Although I had, for the most part, so very stout an appetite that my
+bowl stood always first for the refilling, I had no desire for my food
+that day, but idly sat and stirred, and the burden of my thoughts wore
+deeply inward with the dwelling of my mind on this view and on that of
+it. But, on a sudden, what a turmoil, what a rising of maids, what a
+jumping on chairs, what a drawing up of gowns, and what a scurrying!
+For, out of a corner, comes the great brown rat, gliding sedately,
+and never so much as asking by your leave or with your leave. Then
+mother's old tom-cat, _Trouncer_, slowly rising, stretches his limbs,
+and bares his claws, making ready for what is to come, but not,
+me-thinks, with much alacrity for the conflict, for rats have teeth,
+as _Trouncer_ knows--ay, and can use them to much purpose. Therefore
+_Trouncer_, making belief to be brave, as is the custom both of
+cats and of others that walk on two legs, and have thumbs to their
+fore-paws, gathers himself to the spring, but springs not. Then comes
+GIRT JAN's terrier, _Rouser_, at last--where hath the terrier been
+tarrying? Terriers should not tarry--and, with scant ceremony, leaps
+upon _Trouncer_. Cuff, cuff, go the claws. _Trouncer_ swears roundly.
+Nay, _Trouncer_, 'tis a coward's part to fly beneath the chair.
+To him, good _Rouser_, to him, my man. But _Rouser_ hath forgot
+the claw-bearer, though his bleeding nose for many a day shall
+remember. _Rouser_ hath the rat in view. Round the parlour they go,
+helter-skelter, _Rouser_ on the tracks of the life-desiring rat, while
+the maids upon the chairs show ankles, in proof of terror, until, lo!
+he hath him pinned fast, never more to stir, or clean his whiskers in
+rat-land.
+
+And then all come down, and JAN boasts loudly how he all but trod him
+flat, ay, and could have done so had rat not fled in terror of his
+boot; and _Trouncer_ returns, smugly purring, and mother rates the
+blushing maids.
+
+And I to the fields, having work to do, but liking not the doing.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+Now I with _Rouser_ at my heels went manfully on my way. Gaily I went
+over the parched brown wastes where lately the flood had lain heavy
+upon the land, past the whispering copses of fir and beech and oak
+that top the upland, through the yellowing corn that stands waving
+golden promise in the valley, till I came to where the land bends
+suddenly with a sharp turn from the eastward whence a pearly brook,
+now swollen to a roaring torrent, babbles bravely over the stones.
+Sudden I stopped as though a palsy had gripped me, though of the
+TIDDLERS, as is well known, none hath ever suffered of a palsy, they
+being for the most part a lusty race, and apt for enduring moisture
+both within and without. Never till my dying day shall I forget the
+sight that met my eyes. For there seated upon a tuffet, her beautiful
+blue eyes fixed in horror and despair, her jug of curds and whey
+scarce tasted, was my MARIAN, while beside her, lolling at ease with
+the slothful stretch of his great limbs, and the flames as of Tophet
+in his fierce eyes sat SPIDER, the great black-haired giant SPIDER
+that would make a feast of her.
+
+I know not how I ran, nor what mighty strength was in my limbs, but
+in a moment I was with them, and his hairy throat was in my clutch.
+Quickly he turned upon me and fain had freed himself. Our breast-bones
+cracked in the conflict, his arms wound round and round me, and a
+hideous gleam of triumph was in his face. Thrice he had me off my
+feet, but at the fourth close I swayed him to the right, and then with
+one last heave I flung him on his back, and had the end of it, leaving
+him dead and flattened where he lay.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+Then gently I bore my MARIAN home, and mother greeted her fondly,
+saying, "Miss MUFFET, I presume?" which pleased me, thinking it only
+right that mother should use ceremony with my love. But she, poor
+darling, lay quiet and pale, scarce knowing her own happiness or the
+issue of the fight. For 'tis the way of women ever to faint if the
+occasion serve and a man's arms be there to prop them. And often
+in the warm summer-time, when the little lads and lasses gather to
+the plucking of buttercups and daisies, likening them gleefully to
+the gold and silver of a rich man's coffers, my darling, now grown
+matronly, sitteth on the tuffet in their midst, and telleth the tale
+of giant SPIDER and his fate.--[THE END.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+One of our "Co."--and the Baron may observe that, when "Co." is
+written it is not an abbreviation of "Coves"--has been reading _Sir
+George_ (BENTLEY), a Novel, which Mrs. HENNIKER has the courage to put
+forth in one volume. At the outset, the writing is a little slipshod.
+Mrs. HENNIKER has, moreover, a wild passion for the conjunction. When
+she can't summon another "which," she sticks in a "that." On one page
+appears the following startling announcement--"The March winds this
+year were unusually biting, and her nervous guardian would therefore
+[why therefore?] never allow her to walk out without a respirator,
+till they blew no longer from the East." We assume that, as soon as
+respirators blew from the West, this injunction would be withdrawn.
+But, as Mrs. HENNIKER, gets forward in her story, the style improves,
+"which's" disappear as they did in _Macbeth's_ time, and the tale
+is told in simple strenuous language. _Uncle George_ is a character
+finely conceived, and admirably drawn.
+
+The Baron returns thanks to the publisher, W. HEINEMANN, for sending
+a volume of DE QUINCEY's _Posthumorous Works_. A small dose of
+them, taken occasionally the last thing at night, may be confidently
+recommended to admirers of _The Opium Eater_, and will probably be
+found of considerable value to some who hitherto may have been the
+victims of _insomnia_. Highly recommended by the Faculty.
+
+(_Signed._) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EVENINGS FROM HOME.
+
+At the Court Theatre, _Le Feu Toupinel_, adapted for the English
+stage as _The Late Lamented_, is decidedly funny, that is, if you can
+once get over the idea that all its humour depends upon the immoral
+vagaries of an elderly scoundrel, an habitual criminal, who has
+departed this life in the odour of respectability, without his
+immoralities ever having been discovered. Had he been found out during
+his lifetime, he would have been tried for bigamy, convicted, and
+punished accordingly. This piece has been adapted from the French for
+the English stage; but, query, is it adapted to an English audience?
+That's the point. The run must decide. If the best possible acting can
+carry it along, then that it has got; for, though Mrs. JOHN WOOD has
+frequently had better chances, yet she has never worked harder, and
+never has she more deserved the laughter she excites. The same may be
+said of Mr. STANDING and Miss FILLIPPI, and also of Mr. ARTHUR CECIL,
+whose make-up is perfect, especially the dressing and colouring of
+his hair, which is an artistic triumph. Mr. GILBERT FARQUHAR's _Mr.
+Fawcett_, the Solicitor, contributes much to the fun of the scenes in
+which he appears with Mrs. JOHN WOOD; and Mr. CAPE, as _Parker_, the
+Confidential Servant, is excellent. There's plenty of "go" in it, but
+will it "stay"?
+
+Great attraction at the Lyceum! _The Corsican Brothers_ and _Nance
+Oldfield_! ELLEN TERRY as _Nance_ is delightful. Chorus, Gentlemen,
+if you please, "_For_--all our fancy, Dwells upon Nancy!" Our ELLEN
+is charming in this, so natural and so theatrical: herself as _Nance_,
+and then as _Mrs. Oldfield_, the actress, in the characters that
+_Nance_ assumes. For 'tis ELLEN playing _Nancy_, and _Nancy_ again
+playing Tragedy and Comedy. It is an old piece revived: there never
+was so old a piece, for there are only four characters in it, and
+they're all Old. There are two _Oldfields_ and two _Oldworthys_.
+Mr. WENMAN as _Oldfield Senior_, or the Old Obadiah, is a trifle too
+blusterous, but on the other hand, I am not prepared to say that a
+country attorney of that period wouldn't be uncouth and blusterous.
+His son _Alexander_, the Young Obadiah, is prettily played by Mr.
+GORDON CRAIG, who is a trifle too windmilly with his hands and arms;
+but in the whole play nothing becomes him so well as the pathos of his
+broken-hearted exit. He was touching and going. Henceforth, this young
+actor may justly describe himself as of the "Touch-and-go" school, and
+be, like "the livin' skeleton" mentioned by _Sam Weller_, "proud o'
+the title." Miss KATE PHILLIPS as _Anne's_ sister--though, as Mr.
+J.L. T-LE observed, as she is younger than _Anne_, she cannot well be
+her Anne-sister--is as bright and lively as need be, considering her
+menial position, which is rather odd in her sister's house. Visit
+Mistress NANCE TERRY; you'll find her very much "at home" in the part.
+After which _The Corsican Brothers_ revived, Ghost and all.
+
+[Illustration: The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the
+Lyceum.]
+
+When some years ago the Irvingesque version of it was produced, the
+twin who lived in Corsica, Brother _Fabien_, used to behave in the
+wildest Corsican way. Who that saw it some years ago does not remember
+how he used to chuck his gun up in the air, when it caught on to a
+hook in the wall! with what gusto he used to light a tiny cigarette
+from an enormous flaming brand snatched from the burning wood fire on
+the hearth! and how badly the starving guest from Paris fared in the
+Corsican household where he hadn't a chance against the appetite of
+Master _Fabien_, who, after a hard day's sport, came in ready for
+anything, and ate everything! It was the only occasion when this
+fearless son of destiny ever "bolted." But, my! how the food used to
+disappear! what a short time the supper occupied, and how very much
+third best the poor stranger came off under the hospitable roof of
+the _Dei Franchis_. Even now the supper is a brief one, but justice
+is done to it, _and_ to the weary traveller. Never was such an unhappy
+tourist! He comes to a house in the wilds of Corsica; he is choke-full
+of Parisian gossip, he has a lot to say of course, but he never gets
+a chance, as _Fabien_ tells him family stories one after the other, as
+if he hadn't had such an opportunity or so good a listener for ever
+so long. Then, when on the entrance of his mother _Fabien_ breaks off
+in the middle of one of his many anecdotes, which evidently can't be
+told before ladies, the Parisian gent, who now sees something like
+an opening for some light Boulevardian chit-chat, is presented with a
+flat candlestick and bowed off to bed, without being allowed a word to
+say for himself. All this is just the same as ever; there have been
+no alterations nor repairs; the piece is as curiously old-fashioned
+as are the exquisitely correct costumes; while the Masked Ball at
+the Opera and the Duel in the snow are as effective as ever, and the
+latter, if anything, more so. They make a first-rate fight of it, do
+Messrs. _Irving dei Franchi_ and _M. Terriss de Château Renaud_, until
+the latter collapses, and "subsequent proceedings interested him no
+more." As long as the strong right arm of the Corsican Brother can
+draw a good and shining rapier, he will draw as good and brilliant
+a house as he did on the first night of this revival. Why ought this
+piece to go well in the first theatre in Ireland? Why? because it's a
+great play for Doublin'. _Exeunt omnes._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EPIDEMIC.--Up to now Members of Parliament have been generally
+considered as "influential personages." This year many M.P.'s will be
+remembered as "very influenzial personages."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING,
+BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)!
+
+_Daughter of the House_. "TELL ME, PROFESSOR BORAX, HOW DID YOU LIKE
+THE LADY MAMMA GAVE YOU TO TAKE IN TO DINNER?"
+
+_The Professor_ (_innocently_). "MY DEAR GIRL, SHE'S SIMPLY THE MOST
+CHARMING WOMAN I EVER MET! _I NEVER TALKED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A MAZE.
+
+    "Mr. BALFOUR brought up a new sub-section, which he admitted
+    was so obscure that he only 'more or less' understood it
+    himself, and which, indeed, is of '_plusquam_-Thucydidean'
+    dimness and involution.... There is no excuse, we must say,
+    for the muddle into which the Government has got over the
+    Bill.... The House of Commons has adjourned for a short
+    holiday, but the Irish Land Purchase Bill is not yet through
+    Committee.... There still remained all the new clauses, for
+    which no time had been found."--_Times_.
+
+_Little Bill loquitur_:--
+
+  Oh do, if you please, Mr. BALFOUR, Sir, if you _can_,--and who can if you
+      can't, Sir?--
+  Get me out of this Maze, where for days and days I have strayed till I'm
+      all of a pant, Sir.
+  Twelve months ago we started, you know, and I've been on my feet ever
+      since, Sir.
+  And oh, if you please, I feel weak at the knees, and the pains in my back
+      make me wince, Sir.
+  Mister HOOD's "Lost Child" wasn't half as had, for he only strayed in the
+      gutter,
+  While this dreadful Maze is enough to craze; and _my_ feeling of lostness
+      is utter.
+  Oh, my poor feet! This is worse than Crete, and old Hampton Court isn't
+      in it.
+  Oh stop, _do_ stop! for I feel I shall drop if I don't sit down half a
+      minute.
+
+  I really thought you knew the way out--which I own _I_'m unable to guess,
+      Sir--
+  And now 'twould appear you are far from clear, and are puzzled "more or
+      less," Sir.
+  The paths are really so twirly-whirly, the hedges so jimble-jumbled;
+  It must be hundreds and hundreds of miles along which we have staggered
+      and stumbled.
+  I thought you _were_ a cool card. Mister BALFOUR, and did know your way
+      about. Sir,
+  But what I should like to know at present is, when we are like to get
+      out, Sir.
+  How LABBY will laugh at the Labyrinth-maker, who gets lost in his own
+      Great Maze, Sir!
+  Don't say, Sir, pray, that you've lost _your_ way,--you, whom people so
+      cosset and praise Sir.
+  You won't be hurried, and you can't be flurried, and you're always as
+      cool as a cucumber.
+  Can a little 'un like me, your own child, don't you see, such a smart
+      pioneer as are _you_ cumber?
+  You, the modern Theseus? Where's your Ariadne? Oh, I know you are cool,
+      and clever.
+  Yet I feel a doubt. When _shall_ we get out?--which I _can't_ go on
+      wandering for ever!
+
+_Mazemaster loquitur_:--
+
+  Poor little man! Yes, I _had_ a plan, and a perfectly plain one, too, boy;
+  But--I fear--for a moment--I've--lost the clue! Ah! I'm awfully sorry for
+      _you_ boy!
+  You have been on your feet for a precious long time, and all this
+      roundaboutation,
+  _Is_ "_plusquam_-Thucydidean," perhaps, and at any rate mean aggravation.
+  But you'll please understand I'm a very "cool hand;" there's abundance of
+      "humour" about me,
+  And though for a jiffy I _seem_ at a loss, don't you come for to go for to
+      doubt me.
+
+  'Tis most complicated, this Miz-Maze! I've stated the clue I've let slip
+      for a moment,
+  And LABBY, no doubt, and his henchmen, will shout and indulge in invidious
+      comment:
+  The _Times_, too, may gird, and declare 'tis absurd not to know _one's own
+      Labyrinth_ better.
+  The _Times_ is my friend, but a trifle too fond of the goad and the scourge
+      and the fetter;
+  You really can't rule the whole civilised world with the aid of the whip
+      and the closure;
+  Though I _should_ enjoy--but no matter, my boy, let us try to maintain our
+      composure!
+  _When shall we get out?_ That's a matter of doubt, cross-hedges my pathway
+      still chequer,
+  The clue I've let slip, but you just take my tip; we'll get clear--if you
+      keep up your pecker!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE FOR THIRTY-FIVE SHILLINGS.
+
+There is a singular directness of purpose in the following
+advertisement which appears in the _Daily News_:--
+
+    REPORTER (27), now on Weekly, WANTS CHANGE. 35s.
+
+The advertiser not only wants change, but he mentions the exact sum.
+It seems odd. One often wants change for a sovereign, and even oftener
+wants the sovereign itself. But what precise coin a man hands you when
+he wants thirty-five shillings change is not quite clear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN A MAZE.
+
+MASTER LAND BILL. "OH, MR. BALFOUR, I'M _SO_ TIRED!"
+
+MR. B. "CHEER UP, LITTLE MAN! NEXT TURN TO THE RIGHT,--AND I HOPE WE SHALL BE
+OUT OF IT!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dealer's Man_ (_confidentially_). "NICE 'OSS, SIR.
+JUST SUIT _YOU_, SIR. NICE PERMISCUOUS 'OSS, SIR!--_YOU CAN SIT ON HIM
+A'MOST ANYWHERE!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+_Billsbury, May 5_.--Received the following letter from TOLLAND
+yesterday:--
+
+45, _Main Street, Billsbury, May 3._
+
+DEAR MR. PATTLE,
+
+A committee Meeting of our Council has been summoned for the day after
+to-morrow (May 5) at eight o'clock P.M., at the Beaconsfield Club, to
+consider some important questions affecting your Candidature and the
+plan of campaign to be adopted in prosecuting it. I trust that you may
+be able to make it convenient to attend, and shall be glad to receive
+a wire from you to this effect. I may mention to you that I have
+lately heard, in confidence, that Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's health is
+causing considerable anxiety to the Radical leaders here. He has
+attended very few divisions lately, and has offended many of the
+advanced section by his conduct over the Strike Subvention Bill, which
+was backed by the Labour Members. Sir THOMAS, however, abstained from
+the division on the Second Reading. It is just possible that, under
+the circumstances, he may decide to apply for the Chiltern Hundreds
+very shortly, and we must be prepared for every emergency.
+
+Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND.
+
+It was a confounded nuisance. I had arranged to take the BELLAMYS to
+the Scandinavian Exhibition this afternoon, and to dine and go to the
+theatre with the JACKSONS. Had to put off everything. MARY BELLAMY
+will be dreadfully annoyed. Wrote specially to her to apologise and
+explain. They're sure to get that beast POMFRET to take them instead.
+He's always hanging round. Last week he wrote a lot of verse in MARY's
+Confession Album, in this style (I copied some of it out, in order to
+show it to VULLIAMY, who hates him):--
+
+  Though, when he's asked his favourite name, a man is apt to stare, he
+  _Must_ answer, if he knows what's what, "My favourite name is MARY."
+
+And this:--
+
+  The vice I detest and abhor above all
+  Is not dancing four _times_ with _you_ at a ball.
+
+And this, in answer to the question, "What or who would you rather be,
+if you were not yourself?"--
+
+  I'd rather be the rosebud that nestles in your hair,
+  Or the aunt whose hand you took in yours and pressed upon the stair.
+
+They all admired this slip-slop immensely, and MARY asked me, when
+I called the other day, if I didn't think it wonderfully clever. I
+know, when I wrote my answers in her album, it took me days of thought
+to get them done in prose, and even then they turned out the most
+ordinary, commonplace things. However I thought they pleased MARY,
+and now POMFRET steps in with his confounded rhymes. Mrs. BELLAMY's
+father once published a volume of verse, and is still talked of in the
+household as "your grandfather the poet." She told me that she thought
+"a faculty for versification was the mark of a truly refined and
+delicate mind." Bah! POMFRET's one of the most selfish and calculating
+ruffians outside a convict prison, and always haggles over his
+luncheon bills at the Club, till the head-waiter and all the rest
+nearly go off their heads.
+
+However, I had to come to Billsbury, nilly-willy. Met the Committee
+after dinner. They were anxious that I should do some canvassing soon,
+and wanted me, when next I spoke, to explain myself more fully (1) on
+the Temperance Question and the question of Compensation to Publicans;
+(2) on the Women's Suffrage Question; (3) on the Labour Question;
+(4) on Foreign Policy; and (5) with reference to the Billsbury Main
+Drainage Scheme. I said I would, but I should probably require more
+than one speech to do it in. Afterwards a very solemn member of the
+Committee, whose name I forget, got up and made a long speech, in
+which he observed that my habit of appearing in dress clothes at
+the meetings had annoyed a good many of my supporters, and that
+he ventured to suggest to me, for my own good, that I should wear
+ordinary dress. It seems a good many of the lower lot thought it
+looked uppish. I'm glad enough not to have to do it any more. There
+were other points, but I'm too tired to remember them. By the way, I
+have subscribed to about a dozen more Clubs and Institutions, and have
+promised to get Mother to open a bazaar here at the end of the month.
+Back to London to-morrow. What a life!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST "LABOR PROGRAM."
+
+(_BY A NEW-UNIONIST._)
+
+  I am all for myself, and 'tis perfectly true
+  That the "labor" I love is regardless of "u."
+  But, _per contra_, informing my "program" you see
+  Though I wink (with two I's), I eliminate "me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS.
+
+(_By Our Own Instantaneous Photographer_.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A LOCK.--A WHITSUNTIDE WARBLE.
+
+  "_Lock! Lock!_"--Shock! Rock! That's a pretty frock bulging over the
+      gunwale!
+  She looks like to choke with that horrible smoke, which is fuming out
+      of the Steam-Launch funnel.
+  Pleasant old cry! All in, and dry. though we're awfully crowded this
+      first Spring holiday,
+  Better this than St. Stephen's dead-lock! Our serious Senators out
+      for a jolly day
+  Might do worse. Who carries the purse? That ten-foot rod with the
+      toll-net ending it
+  Means a hint. They must make "a mint"; and, by Jove, there are many
+      worse ways of spending it,--
+  Money, I mean. Now were G-SCH-N seen collecting cash for his dry
+      Exchequer
+  With pole and net, it were nicer, you bet, than keeping up his
+      financial pecker
+  With Spirit Duties! Those two blonde beauties in Cambridge blue are
+      exceeding bonny;
+  B-LF-R now at that same boat's bow would be quite in his element--eh,
+      my sonny?
+  And OLD MORALITY cooling his legs in the stern-sheets yonder would
+      find the steering
+  Easier far than amidst the jar of St. Stephen's, hot with T-M H-LY
+      jeering.
+  S-L-SB-RY, too, with a well-trained crew, would put his back--that
+      broad back of his!--in it.
+  Don't be in a hurry, my nautical friend! we shall all get out in
+      another minute.
+  Just like life! Such fidgety strife to be first to the front when the
+      lock-gates sever.
+  What does it matter, friends, after all? The slow, the skilful, the
+      dull, the clever,
+  The snake-swift "swell" and the splashing 'ARRY, the puffing launch,
+      and the trim outrigger,
+  The calm canoest who hugs the timbers, the fussy punter who toils
+      like a nigger,
+  All will anon be well out in the cutting, the old gates shutting
+      slowly behind them,
+  And where are those who so shoved to the front? At the tail of the
+      race you may presently find them.
+  The G.O.M. (with his collars for sails), that jaunty skiff might be
+      handling. Bless us!
+  Can he take holiday, he whom toil seems to encoil like a shirt of
+      Nessus?
+  Well, Union_ist_ or Separat_ist_, or chap with a twist like
+      C-NN-NGH-M GR-H-M,
+  Or howling PAT, or Aristo_crat_ with manners like BRUMMEL and voice
+      like BRAHAM,
+  Peppery G-SCH-N, or pompous H-RC-RT, or genial SM-TH, the new-made
+      Warden,
+  All, all, to-day, when the world is gay, the stream like silver, the
+      banks a garden,
+  _Much_ worse might do than tog up in blue and join a crew on the
+      rolling river,
+  "Beyond the tide," dropping all their "side," party or personal,
+      leaving "liver,"
+  And Influenza, and other "Obstructions," all party-jobbers, all
+      jibbers and jolters,
+  In sunny weather to crowd together in Moulsey Lock, or it might be
+      BOULTER's!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY.
+
+_Young Lady_. "AND NOW, JANE, WHAT'S THE _NEXT_ THING TO DO, AFTER
+PUTTING THE MEAT AND POTATOES IN THE STEWPAN?"
+
+_Village Girl_. "PLEASE, MISS, WASH THE BABY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_The Kennel, Barks, Friday, May 15_.--This entry in Diary is dated
+from my ancestral home, pleasantly situated in the County I have the
+honour to represent. Haven't been to Westminster this week. Hear,
+through usual channels of information, that House adjourns to-day
+for Whitsun Recess. When I say House, I mean fragment that remains;
+a few doors and chimneys, with here and there a ruined wing. Fact
+is, majority absent with influenza. Some seventy or eighty of us
+have formed House of our own; meet regularly at usual hour; get
+through business in a way that would astonish the residuum left at
+Westminster; and jog off comfortably for dinner. All Parties and all
+sections of Party represented. SPEAKER and Chairman of Committees
+still stick to Westminster. But we have GORST, one of the
+Deputy-Speakers, who presides with dignity and despatch. JACKSON
+looks after arrangement of business. AKERS-DOUGLAS whips up the
+Conservatives, assisted by SYDNEY HERBERT and ARTHUR HILL. THOMAS
+ESMONDE brings up to the scratch TANNER, SWIFT MACNEILL, and PIERCE
+MAHONY. On Treasury Bench MICHAEL BEACH sits in place of OLD MORALITY,
+being supported by GEORGIE HAMILTON, STUART WORTLEY, and JAMES
+FERGUSSON, whilst KNUTSFORD and DERBY look down from Peers' Gallery.
+On Front Opposition Bench Mr. G., just arrived; finds JOHN MORLEY,
+OSBORNE AP MORGAN, KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH, and MUNDELLA. WOLMER not yet
+arrived, but daily expected. Meanwhile JOHN LUBBOCK, MUNTZ, T.W.
+RUSSELL, and the Wiwacious WIGGIN here, ready to obey the Whip, when
+issued.
+
+CHARLES FORSTER, looks after petitions for us; FRANK LOCKWOOD draws us
+out (or in, as the case may be); ALGERNON BORTHWICK throws an air of
+fashionable society around us; the Reverberating COLOMB lifts his tall
+head in our midst; ISAAC HOLDEN never tires of telling the fascinating
+story of how he discovered the lucifer-match; HENNIKER HEATON
+passes the time writing letters to RAIKES, and complains that the
+Postmaster-General has his communications ostentatiously fumigated
+before opening them; SEYMOUR KEAY says he must get back to Westminster
+(nobody says him nay), or Land Bill would be getting passed through
+Committee; and here is the Grand Young GARDNER _and_ his wife--Lady
+WINIFRED, of course, looking down on us from Ladies' Gallery.
+
+Have on the whole a very good time. Looked after by RUSTEM ROOSE,
+whose cure is as alluring as it is infallible. "Eat, drink and sleep,"
+he says. "Lie on your back and sedulously do nothing." So whilst they
+storm and fret at Westminster, here, in hollow Lotos Land we live and
+lie reclining. Pleasant to hear RUSTEM ROOSE's voice as he goes his
+morning rounds, stethoscope in hand. "A long breath, dear friend: say
+'74; Pommery, certainly if you like; a pint at luncheon and a roast
+chicken. Turn over, dear friend; another long breath; say '80; de
+Lanson, of course, if you prefer it; a pint at dinner with a fried
+sole and a porterhouse steak; or, if you are tired of champagne, take
+a pint of claret with a glass or two of port. A long breath, dear
+friend; say '50; three glasses if '50 port won't do you any harm."
+
+Worst of it is we're all getting better, and shall be back to the
+grind at Westminster after Whitsuntide. _Business done_.--All taking
+long breaths.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DIS-ORDER OF THE DAY.--In the House of Commons on the Motion of
+the First Lord of the Treasury, it was resolved that Influenza, M.P.,
+be expelled. Mr. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, Leader of the Opposition, _pro
+tem._, moved to amend the Resolution by adding "at once." This was
+agreed to _nem. con._ The Serjeant-at-Arms was thereupon ordered to
+remove Influenza. He declined on the ground that if he did he might
+catch it. After some conversation the debate was adjourned. Influenza
+left sitting on Members generally.--_Extract from the Fifteenth of
+May's Parliamentary Report_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!
+
+(_BY A PERPLEXED READER OF THE PENNY PAPERS._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  When you're lying awake, with a horrid headache (to adopt a suggestion
+      of GILBERT's),
+  When too freely you've dined, or too heavily wined, or munched too many
+      walnuts or filberts;
+  When your brain is a maze, and creation a haze, then each queer social
+      craze--there are many!--
+  Gets your wits in a spool, and there isn't a fool for your thoughts
+      would advance you a penny.
+
+  You can't sleep a wink, so the question of Drink, though you timidly
+      shrink from it, harries you.
+  Your wit's in a whirl, as you think, if some girl with a _penchant_ for
+      you, ups and marries you.
+  And ties you for life to the thing called a Wife,--that figment, that
+      fraud, that illusion,
+  Where, _what_ will you be? And you can't find a key to the epoch's
+      chaotic confusion.
+  It seems Local Option is sure of adoption, and what a tyrannic majority
+  May "opt" for one day, you're unable to say, and in vain you appeal to
+      Authority.
+  The Law of the Land is a labyrinth grand, which you can't understand,
+      nor can anyone,
+  And _that_ is a thought, with delirium fraught, an appalling, if 'tis
+      not a penny one.
+
+  Now Law, the Old Antic, seems utterly frantic, absurdly romantic and
+      maundering;
+  And Cool Common Sense has gone dotty and dense, in dim deserts of
+      Sentiment wandering.
+  Now Reason and Right, hydrocephalous quite, are both Della-Cruscan and
+      drivelling,
+  Life (barring the fun) like "The Mulberry One," seems a mixture of
+      diddling and snivelling.
+  There's LAWSON who jaws on the Abstinence Cause on, and would lay his
+      claws on the Nation,
+  And put sudden stopper on all that's improper (as _he_ thinks) without
+      compensation;
+  And then there's Sir EDWARD, who, when he goes bedward, must have _his_
+      reflections nightmarish!
+  It seems, from such rigs, that our biggest Big Wigs are scarcest to
+      govern a parish.
+  MCDOUGALL again, is agog to restrain all that gives _his_ soul pain--it's
+      a squeamish one!--
+  He thinks he's a stayer as Jabberwock-slayer, mere Angry Boy he, _not_ a
+      Beamish One!
+  These Oracles windy do raise such a shindy, and kick such a doose of a
+      dust up,
+  One would think without _them_ we were wrong stern and stem, and the whole
+      of creation would bust up.
+  But verily why men should _new_ worship Hymen,--who, just as unshackled as
+      Cupid,--
+  (See decision _Re_ JACKSON), take burdens their backs on, I can_not_
+      conceive. It seems stupid
+  Beyond all expression to have a "possession" whose "ownness" there's
+      desperate doubt of,
+  And which (if she's _nous_) you can't keep _in_ your house, nor yet (if
+      she's "savvy") keep _out_ of!
+  What _is_ "Hymen's halter"? I fidget and falter! The Beaks seem to palter
+      and fumble.
+  In such a strange fashion, I fly in a passion, and vow that the world is a
+      jumble.
+  Law seems a wigged noodle, as tame as a poodle, the whole darned caboodle
+      (as 'ARRY sees)
+  Is ructions and "rot," and our "rulers" a lot of confounded old foodles
+      and Pharisees!
+  Yes, that's what _I_ think about Marriage and Drink--if you may call it
+      thought, which with frenzy is fraught, and gives me a "head" like bad
+      whiskey; whose dread is on me day and night, makes me wake in a fright,
+      from visions most solemn of column on column of such "printed matter"
+      and paragraph chatter, as makes me feel flatter than cold eggless batter
+      upon a lead platter--as mad as a hatter, and who will relieve me? Can anyone?
+  I tell you it's dreadful to face a whole bedful of spectres and spooks (born
+      of papers and books) with, most horrible looks, limbs contorted in crooks,
+      and bat-wings with big hooks, which haunt all the nooks of tester and
+      curtain, and which, I am certain, will drive me insane if _some_ one can't
+      explain where the mischief we are, 'midst the jumble and jar of factions
+      and fads, of crotchets and cads, of Tolstois and Jeunes, and Ibsens (whose
+      lunes are more lunatic still). Oh, I'd learn with a will from any or aught,
+      who could bring me, fresh caught, with lucidity fraught (what so long I have
+      sought) a Clear Comforting Thought--though a Penny One!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_IN RE_ THE INFLUENZA.
+
+(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL NOTE ON THE APPEARANCE OF THE EPIDEMIC IN THE
+LAW COURTS._)
+
+[Illustration: Catching.]
+
+Owing to recent sentimental legislation, many members of the learned
+profession, to which I have the honour to belong, have found
+their practice becoming (to quote the poet) "small by degrees and
+beautifully less." Times were when I could scarcely pass a week in
+term time without appearing in Court holding a consent brief, or armed
+with authority to move (unopposed) for the appointment of a receiver.
+But that was long ago--a deep contrast with to-day--when my admirable
+and excellent Clerk PORTINGTON, finds an hour a day ample, almost too
+ample, time for posting up to date my Fee Book. However, occasionally
+a gleam of the old sunshine illumines, so to speak, the chambers I
+occupy, and such a gleam was my retention for the Defence in the
+cause of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_. It was a Patent Case, and one of
+the deepest possible interest. It is my good fortune to know the
+Defendant, personally, and it was through his kind offices that the
+instructions to appear for him were left at my chambers. My friend
+and client (who is unjustly said to be eccentric in his habits) has
+recently patented and produced a most important invention, which
+greatly facilitates the retention of dinner-napkins, after those
+useful, nay, necessary articles have been used for the purpose for
+which they are manufactured. Like all really valuable inventions, the
+patent is simplicity itself, the napkin-ring consisting of the section
+of the thicker end of an elephant's tusk cut to an appropriate size
+and hollowed out. It is necessary to fold the dinner-napkin in such a
+fashion that, when inserted through the ring, its shape is retained
+by the adherent properties inseparable from the ivory. The patent can
+also be produced in other materials, such as gold, silver and jewels
+for the wealthy, and in bone, tin and even glass for purchasers of
+smaller means. I must say that when the ring was shown to me I was
+greatly struck with the cleverness and simplicity of the idea, and
+could not understand how Mr. QUICKSILVER could have allowed himself to
+be so badly advised as to bring an action for infringement, merely on
+the strength of _his_ patent being also a dinner-napkin-holder with
+the ring element so far introduced that it consisted of a circle
+closed and opened by a hinge. However, it was no part of my duty
+to advise the other side, so I set to work to get up my case (as I
+invariably do) _con amore_. I hunted up all the causes in the Digest,
+that seemed to be on all-fours with the matter in dispute, and spent
+days in the Public Library of the Patent Office searching for patents
+having to do with table-napkins. As the specifications were not
+consecutively published, I had to wade through a large number of these
+interesting documents that treated of other subjects. For instance,
+the first specification I would take out of the box in which it was
+kept, would perhaps have to do with house-raising without disturbance
+to the foundations, the second would prove to be an article half
+umbrella, half revolver, while in the third I would perhaps find an
+extremely quaint notion for a portable pocket corkscrew. I myself
+picked up many ideas for future use, and hope some day, if I do
+nothing else, at least to perfect a clever little contrivance of
+my own for arousing the inmates of a house invaded by burglars
+by casement concussions. I propose calling this valuable little
+instrument (which is founded to some extent on the simple construction
+by which the figures in a child's box of wooden soldiers are enabled
+to advance and retire in a scissors-like fashion), when produced, the
+Policeman's Upper Floor Window Tapper.
+
+The day for the hearing at length arrived, and, armed with a mass of
+carefully selected information, I was in my seat ready to defend the
+originality of the Nore Napkin Ring, so to speak, to the death. In my
+notes before me I had the skeleton of a really fine oration, which I
+felt (if I mastered my normal nervousness) would bristle with epigram,
+and thrill with heartfelt, brain-inspired eloquence. So deeply
+interested was I in the matter, that I scarcely listened to my
+friend's opening, and only became aware of what was happening in
+Court by the rising of the Judge. Suddenly his Lordship bowed,
+and disappeared. I looked at the clock--it was only noon--and,
+consequently, an hour and thirty minutes in advance of the time
+usually selected for the mid-day adjournment. And then, to my dismay,
+I found that his Lordship was suffering from the influenza! Well,
+there was nothing to do but to collect my papers, and, assisted
+by PORTINGTON, return to my chambers. The next day my head ached
+violently, and I could not move. Then I have a recollection
+of dictating to my wife long telegrams to PORTINGTON, which I
+subsequently discovered were neither despatched nor delivered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When I awoke, I found that the matter of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_ had
+been arranged and settled--out of Court!
+
+_Pump-handle Court._ (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, May 23, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+    <title>Punch, May 23, 1891.</title>
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100,
+May 23, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 23, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 2, 2004 [EBook #13352]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>May 23, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page241"
+       id="page241"></a>[pg 241]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version, by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless
+    Ibsenite.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h3>No. IV.&mdash;THE WILD DUCK.</h3>
+
+    <h4>ACT I.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>At</i> WERLE's <i>house. In front a
+        richly-upholstered study</i>. (R.) <i>a green-baize door
+        leading to</i> WERLE's <i>office. At back, open folding
+        doors, revealing an elegant dining-room, in which a
+        brilliant Norwegian dinner-party is going on. Hired Waiters
+        in profusion. A glass is tapped with a knife. Shouts of
+        "Bravo!"</i> Old Mr. WERLE <i>is heard making a long
+        speech, proposing&mdash;according to the custom of
+        Norwegian society on such occasions&mdash;the health of his
+        Housekeeper</i>, Mrs. SÖRBY. <i>Presently several
+        short-sighted, flabby, and thin-haired</i> Chamberlains,
+        <i>enter from the dining-room, with</i> HIALMAR EKDAL,
+        <i>who writhes shyly under their remarks.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>A Chamberlain</i>. As we are the sole surviving specimens
+    of Norwegian nobility, suppose we sustain our reputation as
+    aristocratic sparklers by enlarging upon the enormous amount we
+    have eaten, and chaffing HIALMAR EKDAL, the friend of our
+    host's son, for being a professional Photographer?</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/241.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/241.png"
+             alt="'Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!'" />
+        </a>"Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>The other Chamberlains</i>. Bravo! We will.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They do; delight of</i> HIALMAR. Old WERLE <i>comes
+        in, leaning on his</i> Housekeeper's <i>arm, followed by
+        his son</i>, GREGERS WERLE.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Old Werle</i> (<i>dejectedly</i>). Thirteen at table!
+    (<i>To</i> GREGERS, <i>with a meaning glance at</i> HIALMAR.)
+    This is the result of inviting an old College friend who has
+    turned Photographer! Wasting vintage wines on <i>him</i>,
+    indeed!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He passes on gloomily.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>to Gregers</i>). I am almost sorry I
+    came. Your old min is <i>not</i> friendly. Yet he set me up as
+    a Photographer fifteen years ago. <i>Now</i> he takes me down!
+    But for him, I should never have married GINA, who, you may
+    remember, was a servant in your family once.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Gregers</i>. What? my old College friend married fifteen
+    years ago&mdash;and to our GINA, of all people! If I had not
+    been up at the works all these years, I suppose I should have
+    heard something of such an event. But my father never mentioned
+    it. Odd!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He ponders</i>; Old EKDAL <i>comes out through the
+        green-baize door, bowing, and begging pardon, carrying
+        copying work.</i> Old WERLE <i>says "Ugh" and "Puh"
+        involuntarily.</i> HIALMAR <i>shrinks back, and looks
+        another way. A</i> Chamberlain <i>asks him pleasantly if he
+        knows that old man.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Hialmar</i>. I&mdash;oh no. Not in the least. No
+    relation!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Gregers</i> (<i>shocked</i>). What, HIALMAR, you, with
+    your great soul, deny your own father!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>vehemently</i>). Of course&mdash;what
+    else <i>can</i> a Photographer do with a disreputable old
+    parent, who has been in a Penitentiary for making a fraudulent
+    map? I shall leave this splendid banquet. The Chamberlains are
+    not kind to me, and I feel the crushing hand of fate on my
+    head! [<i>Goes out hastily, feeling it.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. Sörby</i> (<i>archly</i>). Any Nobleman here say
+    "Cold Punch"?</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Every Nobleman says "Cold Punch," and follows her
+        out in search of it with enthusiasm</i>. GREGERS
+        <i>approaches his father, who wishes he would go.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Gregers</i>. Father, a word with you in private. I loathe
+    you. I am nothing if not candid. Old EKDAL was your partner
+    once, and it's my firm belief you deserved a prison quite as
+    much as he did. However, you surely need not have married our
+    GINA to my old friend HIALMAR. You know very well she was no
+    better than she should have been!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Old Werle</i>. True&mdash;but then no more is Mrs. SÖRBY.
+    And <i>I</i> am going to marry <i>her</i>&mdash;if you have no
+    objection, that is.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Gregers</i>. None in the world! How can I object to a
+    stepmother who is playing Blind Man's Buff at the present
+    moment with the Norwegian nobility? I am not so overstrained as
+    all that. But really I can<i>not</i> allow my old friend
+    HIALMAR, with his great, confiding, childlike mind, to remain
+    in contented ignorance of GINA's past. No, I see my mission in
+    life at last! I shall take my hat, and inform him that his home
+    is built upon a lie. He will be <i>so</i> much obliged to me!
+    [<i>Takes his hat, and goes out.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Old Werle</i>. Ha!&mdash;I am a wealthy merchant, of
+    dubious morals, and I am about to marry my housekeeper, who is
+    on intimate terms with the Norwegian aristocracy. I have a son
+    who loathes me, and who is either an Ibsenian satire on the
+    Master's own ideals, or else an utterly impossible prig&mdash;I
+    don't know or care which. Altogether, I flatter myself my
+    household affords an accurate and realistic picture of
+    Scandinavian Society!</p>
+
+    <h4>ACT II.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>HIALMAR EKDAL's <i>Photographic Studio. Cameras,
+        neck-rests, and other instruments of torture lying
+        about</i>. GINA EKDAL <i>and</i> HEDWIG, <i>her daughter,
+        aged 14, and wearing spectacles, discovered sitting up
+        for</i> HIALMAR.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Hedvig</i>. Grandpapa is in his room with a bottle of
+    brandy and a jug of hot water, doing some fresh copying work.
+    Father is in society, dining out. He promised he would bring me
+    home something nice!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>coming in, in evening dress</i>). And he
+    has not forgotten his promise, my child. Behold! (<i>he
+    presents her with the menu card</i>; HEDVIG <i>gulps down her
+    tears</i>; HIALMAR <i>notices her disappointment, with
+    annoyance.</i>) And this all the gratitude I get! After dining
+    out and coming home in a dress-coat and boots, which are
+    disgracefully tight! Well, well, just to show you how hurt I
+    am, I won't have any <i>beer</i> now! What a selfish brute I
+    am! (<i>Relenting.</i>) You may bring me just a little drop.
+    (<i>He bursts into tears.</i>) I will play you a plaintive
+    Bohemian dance on my flute. (<i>He does.</i>) No beer at such a
+    sacred moment as this! (<i>He drinks.</i>) Ha, this is real
+    domestic bliss!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[GREGERS WERLE <i>comes in, in a countrified
+        suit.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Gregers</i>. I have left my father's
+    home&mdash;dinner-party and all&mdash;for ever. I am coming to
+    lodge with you.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>still melancholy</i>). Have some bread
+    and butter. You won't? then I <i>will</i>. I want it, after
+    your father's lavish hospitality. (HEDVIG <i>goes to fetch
+    bread and butter.</i>) My daughter&mdash;a poor shortsighted
+    little thing&mdash;but mine own.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Gregers</i>. My father has had to take to strong glasses,
+    too&mdash;he can hardly see after dinner. (<i>To</i> Old EKDAL,
+    <i>who stumbles in very drunk.</i>) How can you, Lieutenant
+    EKDAL, who were such a keen sportsman once, live in this poky
+    little hole?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Old Ekdal</i>. I am a sportsman still. The only
+    difference is that once I shot bears in a forest, and now I pot
+    tame rabbits in a garret. Quite as amusing&mdash;and safer.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He goes to sleep on a sofa.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>with pride</i>). It is quite true. You
+    shall see.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He pushes back sliding doors, and reveals a garret
+        full of rabbits and poultry&mdash;moonlight effect.</i>
+        HEDVIG <i>returns with bread and butter.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Hedvig</i> (<i>to</i> GREGERS). If you stand just there,
+    you get the best view of our Wild Duck. We are very proud of
+    her, because she gives the play its title, you know, and has to
+    be brought into the dialogue a good deal. Your father, peppered
+    her out shooting, and we saved her life.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Hialmar</i>. Yes, GREGERS, our estate is not
+    large&mdash;but still we preserve, you see. And my poor old
+    father and I sometimes get a day's gunning in the garret. He
+    shoots with a pistol, which my illiterate wife here <i>will</i>
+    call a "pigstol." He once, when he got into trouble, pointed it
+    at himself. But the descendant of two lieutenant-colonels who
+    had never quailed before living rabbit yet, faltered then. He
+    <i>didn't</i> shoot. Then I put it to my own head. But at the
+    decisive moment, I won the victory over myself. I remained in
+    life. Now we only shoot rabbits and fowls with it. After all I
+    am very happy and contented as I am. [<i>He eats some bread and
+    butter.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Gregers</i>. But you ought <i>not</i> to be. You have a
+    good deal of the Wild Duck about you. So have your wife and
+    daughter. You are living in marsh vapours. To-morrow I will
+    take you out for a walk and explain what I mean. It is my
+    mission in life. Good night! [<i>He goes out.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Gina and Hedwig</i>. What <i>was</i> the gentleman
+    talking about, Father?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>eating bread and butter</i>). He has been
+    dining, you know. No matter&mdash;what <i>we</i> have to do
+    now, is to put my disreputable old whitehaired pariah of a
+    parent to bed.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He and</i> GINA <i>lift old</i> ECCLES<i>&mdash;we
+        mean old</i> EKDAL&mdash;<i>up by the legs and arms, and
+        take him off to led as the Curtain falls.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>COCKNEY MOTTO FOR A FEEBLE CRICKETER.&mdash;"Take 'Art of
+    GRACE!"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page242"
+       id="page242"></a>[pg 242]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/242.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/242.png"
+             alt="PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL." />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY
+        COUNCIL.</h3>(<i>See opposite page.</i>)
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page243"
+       id="page243"></a>[pg 243]</span>
+
+    <h3>KEY TO THE PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>Arms</i>.&mdash;Quarterly: 1. A female figure habited in
+    white robes reaching to the ankles, with Arms elevated, all
+    quite proper, for <i>Grace</i>. 2. A wildman or ratepayer
+    rampant, for <i>Thrift</i>. 3. A bend (or bar) sinister on a
+    chart vert, for <i>Bloomsbury</i>. 4. Three demi-councillors,
+    wings elevated, regardant an empty seat, for
+    <i>Vacancy</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Crest</i>.&mdash;On a beadle's hat erased, a new
+    broom.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Supporters</i>.&mdash;Dexter, a Paul Pry regardant,
+    grasping an eyeglass sinister. Sinister, a Stiggins. Both
+    gorged.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Motto</i>.&mdash;"<i>Ubi nunc sumus?</i>"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>FAMILIARITY BREEDS RESPECT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A page from the Diary of a would-be but couldn't-be
+    Duellist.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Monday</i>.&mdash;Arrived on the ground ready to fight my
+    opponent to the death. We had just measured the ground, when an
+    agent of Police appeared upon the scene, and we had to decamp
+    hurriedly. Duel postponed till to-morrow.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;New spot chosen. Pistols this time
+    instead of rapiers. Just as we were about to fire, appearance
+    of the agents of the law. Postponement again absolutely
+    necessary.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;Once more ready to meet. Both of us
+    rather amused at the precautions we have to take to prevent
+    interruption. Opponent obligingly suggested a new and suitable
+    spot for the settlement of our little differences. Found it to
+    be a most excellent selection, but before we could fight, once
+    more interrupted. Both of us greatly annoyed, and arranged to
+    meet to-morrow.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;Amused to find myself first in the
+    field&mdash;my opponent five minutes late. Both of us had come
+    before the seconds, and so spent the time in a pleasant little
+    chat, and cigarettes. My opponent not half a bad fellow when
+    you come to know him. Just as he was in the middle of a most
+    amusing story, our seconds arrived&mdash;with the Police!
+    Postponement once more imperative.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;Opponent turned up first, and, at my
+    request, completed his yesterday's story&mdash;one of the best
+    I have ever heard. Most amusing chap&mdash;should have liked to
+    have heard another, when, finding ourselves uninterrupted, we
+    thought we had better seize the opportunity to settle our
+    affair of honour. Our customary luck! Seemingly had just time
+    to kill one another, when enter the Police! Programme as
+    before.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Saturday</i>.&mdash;Met again. Really quite pleased to
+    have made the acquaintance of such a nice fellow as my
+    opponent. Full of fun and anecdote. On comparing notes, we
+    found that we had entirely forgotten what on earth we had
+    quarrelled about. So shook hands and arranged that if we fired
+    at anyone, our target should be the Police.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A PLEA FOR THE CART-HORSE PARADE SOCIETY.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>All who love English horses, and back English
+            Trade,</p>
+
+            <p>Should welcome the annual "Cart-Horse Parade."</p>
+
+            <p>No function of Fashion on Racecourse or Row</p>
+
+            <p>Should "fetch" our equestrian enthusiast so.</p>
+
+            <p>First-rate English horses in holiday guise!</p>
+
+            <p>A sight that to please a true Britisher's eyes.</p>
+
+            <p>And then the Society&mdash;surely <i>that</i> will
+            be</p>
+
+            <p>Supported by Britons. Ask good WALTER GILBEY</p>
+
+            <p>(Cambridge House, Regent's Park). He will tell you
+            no doubt</p>
+
+            <p>What the C.-H.P.S. have, some time, been about.</p>
+
+            <p>Fancy prizes to Carmen for care of their horses!</p>
+
+            <p>That charms a horse-lover. To plump the
+            resources</p>
+
+            <p>Of such a Society&mdash;by their support</p>
+
+            <p>In subscriptions&mdash;all friends of the horse and
+            of sport</p>
+
+            <p>Should surely be eager; so, horse-lovers
+            willing,</p>
+
+            <p>Despatch the gold pound plus the odd silver
+            shilling!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>HISTORY AND ART.&mdash;Doubts have been thrown on the
+    genuineness of the story about St. ELIZABETH of Hungary as
+    illustrated by Mr. CALDERON's well-known and striking picture
+    in this year's Academy. Mr. CALDERON affirms, according to the
+    best of his high lights, that he has simply portrayed the naked
+    truth. So far, in a certain sense, the Court is with him.
+    Still, historians are neither unbiassed nor infallible, and
+    painters are inclined to sacrifice much for effect. For our
+    part, we should be inclined to refer the situation, which this
+    picture illustrates, to some incident in the life of the
+    celebrated Miss ELIZABETH MARTIN, generally known as "BETTY
+    MARTIN." The legend may be found in some work by that
+    voluminous writer <i>Finis</i>, or by the oft-quoted
+    <i>Ibid</i>, under the quaint heading, <i>Historia Mei et Beati
+    Martini</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)</h2>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/243-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/243-1.png"
+             alt="No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget." />
+        </a>No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on
+        the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget.
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/243-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/243-2.png"
+             alt="No. 259. 'A Select Committee.' H. Stacy Marks, R.A." />
+        </a>No. 259. "A Select Committee." H. Stacy Marks, R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 278. "<i>The Fleecy Charge</i>." A title that suggests
+    an attempt at extortion, but is here applied to <i>A picture in
+    wool-work</i> by the veteran, T. SYDNEY COOPER, R.A. Of course
+    whatever the artist may ask for it, it will always be "sheep at
+    the price."</p>
+
+    <p>No. 388. "<i>Writing a Message to St. Helena</i>." Hope St.
+    Helena received it. Probably forwarded by a winged messenger as
+    suggested by the name of the artist, which is EYRE CROWE,
+    A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 519. "<i>Gorse</i>." By DAVID MURRAY. Good? Why
+    certainly, as a matter of gorse.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 697. Rather mixed subject, being "<i>Eventide</i>" by
+    KNIGHT.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 1161. "<i>A Maiden Fair</i>." By G.A. STOREY, A. Never
+    heard of such a thing as "a Maiden Fair," except in Oriental
+    countries. She seems to be having all the fun of the Fair to
+    herself. This concludes a series of Storeys in four numbers,
+    356, 704, 1043 and 1161, making up his "Tale." "And now my
+    STOREY's done," that is, for this Season.</p>
+
+    <h4>SCULPTURE.</h4>
+
+    <p>No. 1962. "<i>Triumph</i>" of ADRIAN JONES. It is so. Quite
+    a triumph. The SMITHS, BROWNS and ROBINSONS nowhere compared
+    with A. JONES.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 2001. "<i>H.M. Stanley&mdash;bust.</i>" Is he? Poor
+    STANLEY! It is to be hoped that the EMIN-ent explorer will
+    forgive the sculptor, who is C.B. BIRCH, A. Fancy the
+    indomitable STANLEY never yet beaten, but BIRCH'd at last!</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page244"
+       id="page244"></a>[pg 244]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. XVIII.&mdash;MARIAN MUFFET: A ROMANCE OF
+    BLACKMORE.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By</i> R.D. EXMOOR, <i>Author of "Born a Spoon;"
+    "Paddock Rowel;" "Wit and Witty;" "Tips for Marriers;" "Scare a
+    Fawn;" "'Brellas for Rain," &amp;c., &amp;c., &amp;c.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["This," writes Mr. EXMOOR, "is another of my simple
+        tales. Yet I send it forth into the world thinking that
+        haply there may be some, and they not of the baser sort,
+        who reading therein as the humour takes them, may draw from
+        it nurture for their minds. For truly it is in the nature
+        of fruit-trees, whereof, without undue vaunting, I may
+        claim to know somewhat, that the birds of the air, the
+        tits, the wrens, ay, even unto the saucy little sparrows,
+        whose firm spirit in warfare hath ever been one of my
+        chiefest marvels, should gather in the branches seeking for
+        provender. So in books, and herein too I have some small
+        knowledge, those that are of the ripest sort are ever the
+        first to be devoured. And if the public be pleased, how
+        shall he that made the book feel aught but gratitude.
+        Therefore I let it go, not being blind in truth to the
+        faults thereof, but with humble confidence too in much
+        compensating merit."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/244.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/244.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Fate, that makes sport alike of peasants and of kings,
+    turning the one to honour and a high seat, and making the other
+    to lie low in the estimation of men, though haply (as 'tis said
+    in our parish) he think no small beer of himself, hath
+    seemingly ordained that I, THOMAS TIDDLER, should set down in
+    order some doings wherein I had a share. And herein I make no
+    show of learning, being but an undoctrined farmer and not
+    skilled in the tricks of style, as the word is in these parts,
+    but trusting simply to strength and honesty (whereof, God
+    knows, there is but little beyond the limits of our farm), and
+    to that breezy carriage of the pen which favoureth a plain man
+    treading sturdily the winding paths and rough places of his
+    native tongue. Notwithstanding I take no small encouragement
+    from this, that whereas of those that have made to my knowledge
+    the bravest boasting and the loudest puffing (though of this I
+    am loth to speak, never having had a stomach for the work), the
+    writings often perish neglectfully and nothing said, some,
+    writing afar in quiet places removed from the busy rabblement
+    of towns, not seldom steer their course to fame and riches,
+    whereof, thanks be to Heaven, I never yet had covetousness,
+    deeming theirs the happier lot to whom a dry crust with haply a
+    slice of our good country cheese and a draught of the foaming
+    cider bring contentment. Each to his own fashion, say I, and
+    the fashion of the TIDDLERS hath always been in a manner plain
+    and unvarnished, like to the large oak press wherein mother
+    stores her Sunday gown and other woman's finery such as the
+    mind of man, being at best but a coarse week-day creature, hath
+    never fairly conceived. But lo! I am tarrying on my way, losing
+    myself in a maze of cheap fancies, while the reader perchance
+    yawns and stretches his limbs as though for bed. All I know is
+    paper and ink are cheaper than when I began to write.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4>
+
+    <p>Now it fell on a Summer morning, I being then but newly come
+    home from the Farmers' College, in the ancient town of
+    Cambridge, that our whole household was gathered together in
+    our parlour. Mother sat by the head of the great table, ladling
+    out a savoury mess of porridge, not rashly, as the custom of
+    some is, but carefully, like a prudent housewife, guarding her
+    own. And by her side sat MOLLY and BETTY, her daughters, and
+    next to them the maids, and they that pertained to the work of
+    the house. First came old POLLY THISTLEDEW, gaunt of face, and
+    parched of skin, the wrinkles running athwart her face, and
+    over her hooked nose, like to the rivers drawn with much labour
+    of meandering pen in the schoolboys' maps, though for such my
+    marks were always low, I being better skilled in the giving of
+    raps with the closed fist than in the making of maps with inky
+    fingers&mdash;a bootless toil, as it always hath seemed to me.
+    Next to her sat SALLY, the little milkmaid, casting coy glances
+    at mother, who would have none of them, but with undue
+    sternness, as I thought then, and still think, tossed them back
+    to the shame-faced SALLY. Lower down sat JOHN TOOKER, "GIRT JAN
+    DOUBLEFACE" he was ever called, not without a sly hint of
+    increasing obesity, for JOHN, though a mighty man of thews and
+    sinews, was no small trencherman, and, as the phrase is, did
+    himself right royally whenever porridge was in question. All
+    these sat, peaceably swallowing, while I, at the table's foot,
+    faced mother, stirring my steaming bowl with my forefinger,
+    forgetting the heat thereof, but not daring to wince, lest
+    BETTY, whose tongue cut shrewdly when she had a mind, should
+    make sport of me.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4>
+
+    <p>Although I had, for the most part, so very stout an appetite
+    that my bowl stood always first for the refilling, I had no
+    desire for my food that day, but idly sat and stirred, and the
+    burden of my thoughts wore deeply inward with the dwelling of
+    my mind on this view and on that of it. But, on a sudden, what
+    a turmoil, what a rising of maids, what a jumping on chairs,
+    what a drawing up of gowns, and what a scurrying! For, out of a
+    corner, comes the great brown rat, gliding sedately, and never
+    so much as asking by your leave or with your leave. Then
+    mother's old tom-cat, <i>Trouncer</i>, slowly rising, stretches
+    his limbs, and bares his claws, making ready for what is to
+    come, but not, me-thinks, with much alacrity for the conflict,
+    for rats have teeth, as <i>Trouncer</i> knows&mdash;ay, and can
+    use them to much purpose. Therefore <i>Trouncer</i>, making
+    belief to be brave, as is the custom both of cats and of others
+    that walk on two legs, and have thumbs to their fore-paws,
+    gathers himself to the spring, but springs not. Then comes GIRT
+    JAN's terrier, <i>Rouser</i>, at last&mdash;where hath the
+    terrier been tarrying? Terriers should not tarry&mdash;and,
+    with scant ceremony, leaps upon <i>Trouncer</i>. Cuff, cuff, go
+    the claws. <i>Trouncer</i> swears roundly. Nay,
+    <i>Trouncer</i>, 'tis a coward's part to fly beneath the chair.
+    To him, good <i>Rouser</i>, to him, my man. But <i>Rouser</i>
+    hath forgot the claw-bearer, though his bleeding nose for many
+    a day shall remember. <i>Rouser</i> hath the rat in view. Round
+    the parlour they go, helter-skelter, <i>Rouser</i> on the
+    tracks of the life-desiring rat, while the maids upon the
+    chairs show ankles, in proof of terror, until, lo! he hath him
+    pinned fast, never more to stir, or clean his whiskers in
+    rat-land.</p>
+
+    <p>And then all come down, and JAN boasts loudly how he all but
+    trod him flat, ay, and could have done so had rat not fled in
+    terror of his boot; and <i>Trouncer</i> returns, smugly
+    purring, and mother rates the blushing maids.</p>
+
+    <p>And I to the fields, having work to do, but liking not the
+    doing.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4>
+
+    <p>Now I with <i>Rouser</i> at my heels went manfully on my
+    way. Gaily I went over the parched brown wastes where lately
+    the flood had lain heavy upon the land, past the whispering
+    copses of fir and beech and oak that top the upland, through
+    the yellowing corn that stands waving golden promise in the
+    valley, till I came to where the land bends suddenly with a
+    sharp turn from the eastward whence a pearly brook, now swollen
+    to a roaring torrent, babbles bravely over the stones. Sudden I
+    stopped as though a palsy had gripped me, though of the
+    TIDDLERS, as is well known, none hath ever suffered of a palsy,
+    they being for the most part a lusty race, and apt for enduring
+    moisture both within and without. Never till my dying day shall
+    I forget the sight that met my eyes. For there seated upon a
+    tuffet, her beautiful blue eyes fixed in horror and despair,
+    her jug of curds and whey scarce tasted, was my MARIAN, while
+    beside her, lolling at ease with the slothful stretch of his
+    great limbs, and the flames as of Tophet in his fierce eyes sat
+    SPIDER, the great black-haired giant SPIDER that would make a
+    feast of her.</p>
+
+    <p>I know not how I ran, nor what mighty strength was in my
+    limbs, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page245"
+       id="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span> but in a moment I was with
+       them, and his hairy throat was in my clutch. Quickly he
+       turned upon me and fain had freed himself. Our breast-bones
+       cracked in the conflict, his arms wound round and round me,
+       and a hideous gleam of triumph was in his face. Thrice he
+       had me off my feet, but at the fourth close I swayed him to
+       the right, and then with one last heave I flung him on his
+       back, and had the end of it, leaving him dead and flattened
+       where he lay.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4>
+
+    <p>Then gently I bore my MARIAN home, and mother greeted her
+    fondly, saying, "Miss MUFFET, I presume?" which pleased me,
+    thinking it only right that mother should use ceremony with my
+    love. But she, poor darling, lay quiet and pale, scarce knowing
+    her own happiness or the issue of the fight. For 'tis the way
+    of women ever to faint if the occasion serve and a man's arms
+    be there to prop them. And often in the warm summer-time, when
+    the little lads and lasses gather to the plucking of buttercups
+    and daisies, likening them gleefully to the gold and silver of
+    a rich man's coffers, my darling, now grown matronly, sitteth
+    on the tuffet in their midst, and telleth the tale of giant
+    SPIDER and his fate.&mdash;[THE END.]</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/245-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/245-1.png"
+             alt="The Baron de Book-Worms." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>One of our "Co."&mdash;and the Baron may observe that, when
+    "Co." is written it is not an abbreviation of "Coves"&mdash;has
+    been reading <i>Sir George</i> (BENTLEY), a Novel, which Mrs.
+    HENNIKER has the courage to put forth in one volume. At the
+    outset, the writing is a little slipshod. Mrs. HENNIKER has,
+    moreover, a wild passion for the conjunction. When she can't
+    summon another "which," she sticks in a "that." On one page
+    appears the following startling announcement&mdash;"The March
+    winds this year were unusually biting, and her nervous guardian
+    would therefore [why therefore?] never allow her to walk out
+    without a respirator, till they blew no longer from the East."
+    We assume that, as soon as respirators blew from the West, this
+    injunction would be withdrawn. But, as Mrs. HENNIKER, gets
+    forward in her story, the style improves, "which's" disappear
+    as they did in <i>Macbeth's</i> time, and the tale is told in
+    simple strenuous language. <i>Uncle George</i> is a character
+    finely conceived, and admirably drawn.</p>
+
+    <p>The Baron returns thanks to the publisher, W. HEINEMANN, for
+    sending a volume of DE QUINCEY's <i>Posthumorous Works</i>. A
+    small dose of them, taken occasionally the last thing at night,
+    may be confidently recommended to admirers of <i>The Opium
+    Eater</i>, and will probably be found of considerable value to
+    some who hitherto may have been the victims of <i>insomnia</i>.
+    Highly recommended by the Faculty.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">(<i>Signed.</i>) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS &amp;
+    Co.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>EVENINGS FROM HOME.</h2>
+
+    <p>At the Court Theatre, <i>Le Feu Toupinel</i>, adapted for
+    the English stage as <i>The Late Lamented</i>, is decidedly
+    funny, that is, if you can once get over the idea that all its
+    humour depends upon the immoral vagaries of an elderly
+    scoundrel, an habitual criminal, who has departed this life in
+    the odour of respectability, without his immoralities ever
+    having been discovered. Had he been found out during his
+    lifetime, he would have been tried for bigamy, convicted, and
+    punished accordingly. This piece has been adapted from the
+    French for the English stage; but, query, is it adapted to an
+    English audience? That's the point. The run must decide. If the
+    best possible acting can carry it along, then that it has got;
+    for, though Mrs. JOHN WOOD has frequently had better chances,
+    yet she has never worked harder, and never has she more
+    deserved the laughter she excites. The same may be said of Mr.
+    STANDING and Miss FILLIPPI, and also of Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, whose
+    make-up is perfect, especially the dressing and colouring of
+    his hair, which is an artistic triumph. Mr. GILBERT FARQUHAR's
+    <i>Mr. Fawcett</i>, the Solicitor, contributes much to the fun
+    of the scenes in which he appears with Mrs. JOHN WOOD; and Mr.
+    CAPE, as <i>Parker</i>, the Confidential Servant, is excellent.
+    There's plenty of "go" in it, but will it "stay"?</p>
+
+    <p>Great attraction at the Lyceum! <i>The Corsican Brothers</i>
+    and <i>Nance Oldfield</i>! ELLEN TERRY as <i>Nance</i> is
+    delightful. Chorus, Gentlemen, if you please,
+    "<i>For</i>&mdash;all our fancy, Dwells upon Nancy!" Our ELLEN
+    is charming in this, so natural and so theatrical: herself as
+    <i>Nance</i>, and then as <i>Mrs. Oldfield</i>, the actress, in
+    the characters that <i>Nance</i> assumes. For 'tis ELLEN
+    playing <i>Nancy</i>, and <i>Nancy</i> again playing Tragedy
+    and Comedy. It is an old piece revived: there never was so old
+    a piece, for there are only four characters in it, and they're
+    all Old. There are two <i>Oldfields</i> and two
+    <i>Oldworthys</i>. Mr. WENMAN as <i>Oldfield Senior</i>, or the
+    Old Obadiah, is a trifle too blusterous, but on the other hand,
+    I am not prepared to say that a country attorney of that period
+    wouldn't be uncouth and blusterous. His son <i>Alexander</i>,
+    the Young Obadiah, is prettily played by Mr. GORDON CRAIG, who
+    is a trifle too windmilly with his hands and arms; but in the
+    whole play nothing becomes him so well as the pathos of his
+    broken-hearted exit. He was touching and going. Henceforth,
+    this young actor may justly describe himself as of the
+    "Touch-and-go" school, and be, like "the livin' skeleton"
+    mentioned by <i>Sam Weller</i>, "proud o' the title." Miss KATE
+    PHILLIPS as <i>Anne's</i> sister&mdash;though, as Mr. J.L. T-LE
+    observed, as she is younger than <i>Anne</i>, she cannot well
+    be her Anne-sister&mdash;is as bright and lively as need be,
+    considering her menial position, which is rather odd in her
+    sister's house. Visit Mistress NANCE TERRY; you'll find her
+    very much "at home" in the part. After which <i>The Corsican
+    Brothers</i> revived, Ghost and all.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/245-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/245-2.png"
+             alt="The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the Lyceum." />
+        </a>The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the Lyceum.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>When some years ago the Irvingesque version of it was
+    produced, the twin who lived in Corsica, Brother <i>Fabien</i>,
+    used to behave in the wildest Corsican way. Who that saw it
+    some years ago does not remember how he used to chuck his gun
+    up in the air, when it caught on to a hook in the wall! with
+    what gusto he used to light a tiny cigarette from an enormous
+    flaming brand snatched from the burning wood fire on the
+    hearth! and how badly the starving guest from Paris fared in
+    the Corsican household where he hadn't a chance against the
+    appetite of Master <i>Fabien</i>, who, after a hard day's
+    sport, came in ready for anything, and ate everything! It was
+    the only occasion when this fearless son of destiny ever
+    "bolted." But, my! how the food used to disappear! what a short
+    time the supper occupied, and how very much third best the poor
+    stranger came off under the hospitable roof of the <i>Dei
+    Franchis</i>. Even now the supper is a brief one, but justice
+    is done to it, <i>and</i> to the weary traveller. Never was
+    such an unhappy tourist! He comes to a house in the wilds of
+    Corsica; he is choke-full of Parisian gossip, he has a lot to
+    say of course, but he never gets a chance, as <i>Fabien</i>
+    tells him family stories one after the other, as if he hadn't
+    had such an opportunity or so good a listener for ever so long.
+    Then, when on the entrance of his mother <i>Fabien</i> breaks
+    off in the middle of one of his many anecdotes, which evidently
+    can't be told before ladies, the Parisian gent, who now sees
+    something like an opening for some light Boulevardian
+    chit-chat, is presented with a flat candlestick and bowed off
+    to bed, without being allowed a word to say for himself. All
+    this is just the same as ever; there have been no alterations
+    nor repairs; the piece is as curiously old-fashioned as are the
+    exquisitely correct costumes; while the Masked Ball at the
+    Opera and the Duel in the snow are as effective as ever, and
+    the latter, if anything, more so. They make a first-rate fight
+    of it, do Messrs. <i>Irving dei Franchi</i> and <i>M. Terriss
+    de Château Renaud</i>, until the latter collapses, and
+    "subsequent proceedings interested him no more." As long as the
+    strong right arm of the Corsican Brother can draw a good and
+    shining rapier, he will draw as good and brilliant a house as
+    he did on the first night of this revival. Why ought this piece
+    to go well in the first theatre in Ireland? Why? because it's a
+    great play for Doublin'. <i>Exeunt omnes.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>THE EPIDEMIC.&mdash;Up to now Members of Parliament have
+    been generally considered as "influential personages." This
+    year many M.P.'s will be remembered as "very influenzial
+    personages."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page246"
+       id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/246.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/246.png"
+             alt="THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING, BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)!" />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING,
+        BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)!</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Daughter of the House</i>. "TELL ME, PROFESSOR BORAX,
+        HOW DID YOU LIKE THE LADY MAMMA GAVE YOU TO TAKE IN TO
+        DINNER?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Professor</i> (<i>innocently</i>). "MY DEAR GIRL,
+        SHE'S SIMPLY THE MOST CHARMING WOMAN I EVER MET! <i>I NEVER
+        TALKED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!</i>"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>IN A MAZE.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>"Mr. BALFOUR brought up a new sub-section, which he
+        admitted was so obscure that he only 'more or less'
+        understood it himself, and which, indeed, is of
+        '<i>plusquam</i>-Thucydidean' dimness and involution....
+        There is no excuse, we must say, for the muddle into which
+        the Government has got over the Bill.... The House of
+        Commons has adjourned for a short holiday, but the Irish
+        Land Purchase Bill is not yet through Committee.... There
+        still remained all the new clauses, for which no time had
+        been found."&mdash;<i>Times</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Little Bill loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh do, if you please, Mr. BALFOUR, Sir, if you
+            <i>can</i>,&mdash;and who can if you can't,
+            Sir?&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Get me out of this Maze, where for days and days I
+            have strayed till I'm all of a pant, Sir.</p>
+
+            <p>Twelve months ago we started, you know, and I've
+            been on my feet ever since, Sir.</p>
+
+            <p>And oh, if you please, I feel weak at the knees, and
+            the pains in my back make me wince, Sir.</p>
+
+            <p>Mister HOOD's "Lost Child" wasn't half as had, for
+            he only strayed in the gutter,</p>
+
+            <p>While this dreadful Maze is enough to craze; and
+            <i>my</i> feeling of lostness is utter.</p>
+
+            <p>Oh, my poor feet! This is worse than Crete, and old
+            Hampton Court isn't in it.</p>
+
+            <p>Oh stop, <i>do</i> stop! for I feel I shall drop if
+            I don't sit down half a minute.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I really thought you knew the way out&mdash;which I
+            own <i>I</i>'m unable to guess, Sir&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>And now 'twould appear you are far from clear, and
+            are puzzled "more or less," Sir.</p>
+
+            <p>The paths are really so twirly-whirly, the hedges so
+            jimble-jumbled;</p>
+
+            <p>It must be hundreds and hundreds of miles along
+            which we have staggered and stumbled.</p>
+
+            <p>I thought you <i>were</i> a cool card. Mister
+            BALFOUR, and did know your way about. Sir,</p>
+
+            <p>But what I should like to know at present is, when
+            we are like to get out, Sir.</p>
+
+            <p>How LABBY will laugh at the Labyrinth-maker, who
+            gets lost in his own Great Maze, Sir!</p>
+
+            <p>Don't say, Sir, pray, that you've lost <i>your</i>
+            way,&mdash;you, whom people so cosset and praise
+            Sir.</p>
+
+            <p>You won't be hurried, and you can't be flurried, and
+            you're always as cool as a cucumber.</p>
+
+            <p>Can a little 'un like me, your own child, don't you
+            see, such a smart pioneer as are <i>you</i> cumber?</p>
+
+            <p>You, the modern Theseus? Where's your Ariadne? Oh, I
+            know you are cool, and clever.</p>
+
+            <p>Yet I feel a doubt. When <i>shall</i> we get
+            out?&mdash;which I <i>can't</i> go on wandering for
+            ever!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Mazemaster loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Poor little man! Yes, I <i>had</i> a plan, and a
+            perfectly plain one, too, boy;</p>
+
+            <p>But&mdash;I fear&mdash;for a
+            moment&mdash;I've&mdash;lost the clue! Ah! I'm awfully
+            sorry for <i>you</i> boy!</p>
+
+            <p>You have been on your feet for a precious long time,
+            and all this roundaboutation,</p>
+
+            <p><i>Is</i> "<i>plusquam</i>-Thucydidean," perhaps,
+            and at any rate mean aggravation.</p>
+
+            <p>But you'll please understand I'm a very "cool hand;"
+            there's abundance of "humour" about me,</p>
+
+            <p>And though for a jiffy I <i>seem</i> at a loss,
+            don't you come for to go for to doubt me.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis most complicated, this Miz-Maze! I've stated
+            the clue I've let slip for a moment,</p>
+
+            <p>And LABBY, no doubt, and his henchmen, will shout
+            and indulge in invidious comment:</p>
+
+            <p>The <i>Times</i>, too, may gird, and declare 'tis
+            absurd not to know <i>one's own Labyrinth</i>
+            better.</p>
+
+            <p>The <i>Times</i> is my friend, but a trifle too fond
+            of the goad and the scourge and the fetter;</p>
+
+            <p>You really can't rule the whole civilised world with
+            the aid of the whip and the closure;</p>
+
+            <p>Though I <i>should</i> enjoy&mdash;but no matter, my
+            boy, let us try to maintain our composure!</p>
+
+            <p><i>When shall we get out?</i> That's a matter of
+            doubt, cross-hedges my pathway still chequer,</p>
+
+            <p>The clue I've let slip, but you just take my tip;
+            we'll get clear&mdash;if you keep up your pecker!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Change for Thirty-Five Shillings.</h3>
+
+    <p>There is a singular directness of purpose in the following
+    advertisement which appears in the <i>Daily
+    News</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>REPORTER (27), now on Weekly, WANTS CHANGE.
+        35<i>s.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The advertiser not only wants change, but he mentions the
+    exact sum. It seems odd. One often wants change for a
+    sovereign, and even oftener wants the sovereign itself. But
+    what precise coin a man hands you when he wants thirty-five
+    shillings change is not quite clear.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page247"
+       id="page247"></a>[pg 247]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/247.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/247.png"
+             alt="IN A MAZE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>IN A MAZE.</h3>
+
+        <p>MASTER LAND BILL. "OH, MR. BALFOUR, I'M <i>SO</i>
+        TIRED!"</p>
+
+        <p>MR. B. "CHEER UP, LITTLE MAN! NEXT TURN TO THE
+        RIGHT,&mdash;AND I HOPE WE SHALL BE OUT OF IT!!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page249"
+       id="page249"></a>[pg 249]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/249.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/249.png"
+             alt="At the Horse Dealer's." /></a> <i>Dealer's
+             Man</i> (<i>confidentially</i>). "NICE 'OSS, SIR. JUST
+             SUIT <i>YOU</i>, SIR. NICE PERMISCUOUS 'OSS,
+             SIR!&mdash;<i>YOU CAN SIT ON HIM A'MOST ANYWHERE!</i>"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Billsbury, May 5</i>.&mdash;Received the following letter
+    from TOLLAND yesterday:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p class="author">45, <i>Main Street, Billsbury, May 3.</i></p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MR. PATTLE,</p>
+
+    <p>A committee Meeting of our Council has been summoned for the
+    day after to-morrow (May 5) at eight o'clock P.M., at the
+    Beaconsfield Club, to consider some important questions
+    affecting your Candidature and the plan of campaign to be
+    adopted in prosecuting it. I trust that you may be able to make
+    it convenient to attend, and shall be glad to receive a wire
+    from you to this effect. I may mention to you that I have
+    lately heard, in confidence, that Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's health
+    is causing considerable anxiety to the Radical leaders here. He
+    has attended very few divisions lately, and has offended many
+    of the advanced section by his conduct over the Strike
+    Subvention Bill, which was backed by the Labour Members. Sir
+    THOMAS, however, abstained from the division on the Second
+    Reading. It is just possible that, under the circumstances, he
+    may decide to apply for the Chiltern Hundreds very shortly, and
+    we must be prepared for every emergency.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND.</p>
+
+    <p>It was a confounded nuisance. I had arranged to take the
+    BELLAMYS to the Scandinavian Exhibition this afternoon, and to
+    dine and go to the theatre with the JACKSONS. Had to put off
+    everything. MARY BELLAMY will be dreadfully annoyed. Wrote
+    specially to her to apologise and explain. They're sure to get
+    that beast POMFRET to take them instead. He's always hanging
+    round. Last week he wrote a lot of verse in MARY's Confession
+    Album, in this style (I copied some of it out, in order to show
+    it to VULLIAMY, who hates him):&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Though, when he's asked his favourite name, a man is
+            apt to stare, he</p>
+
+            <p><i>Must</i> answer, if he knows what's what, "My
+            favourite name is MARY."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>And this:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The vice I detest and abhor above all</p>
+
+            <p>Is not dancing four <i>times</i> with <i>you</i> at
+            a ball.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>And this, in answer to the question, "What or who would you
+    rather be, if you were not yourself?"&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I'd rather be the rosebud that nestles in your
+            hair,</p>
+
+            <p>Or the aunt whose hand you took in yours and pressed
+            upon the stair.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>They all admired this slip-slop immensely, and MARY asked
+    me, when I called the other day, if I didn't think it
+    wonderfully clever. I know, when I wrote my answers in her
+    album, it took me days of thought to get them done in prose,
+    and even then they turned out the most ordinary, commonplace
+    things. However I thought they pleased MARY, and now POMFRET
+    steps in with his confounded rhymes. Mrs. BELLAMY's father once
+    published a volume of verse, and is still talked of in the
+    household as "your grandfather the poet." She told me that she
+    thought "a faculty for versification was the mark of a truly
+    refined and delicate mind." Bah! POMFRET's one of the most
+    selfish and calculating ruffians outside a convict prison, and
+    always haggles over his luncheon bills at the Club, till the
+    head-waiter and all the rest nearly go off their heads.</p>
+
+    <p>However, I had to come to Billsbury, nilly-willy. Met the
+    Committee after dinner. They were anxious that I should do some
+    canvassing soon, and wanted me, when next I spoke, to explain
+    myself more fully (1) on the Temperance Question and the
+    question of Compensation to Publicans; (2) on the Women's
+    Suffrage Question; (3) on the Labour Question; (4) on Foreign
+    Policy; and (5) with reference to the Billsbury Main Drainage
+    Scheme. I said I would, but I should probably require more than
+    one speech to do it in. Afterwards a very solemn member of the
+    Committee, whose name I forget, got up and made a long speech,
+    in which he observed that my habit of appearing in dress
+    clothes at the meetings had annoyed a good many of my
+    supporters, and that he ventured to suggest to me, for my own
+    good, that I should wear ordinary dress. It seems a good many
+    of the lower lot thought it looked uppish. I'm glad enough not
+    to have to do it any more. There were other points, but I'm too
+    tired to remember them. By the way, I have subscribed to about
+    a dozen more Clubs and Institutions, and have promised to get
+    Mother to open a bazaar here at the end of the month. Back to
+    London to-morrow. What a life!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The Latest "Labor Program."</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a New-Unionist.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I am all for myself, and 'tis perfectly true</p>
+
+            <p>That the "labor" I love is regardless of "u."</p>
+
+            <p>But, <i>per contra</i>, informing my "program" you
+            see</p>
+
+            <p>Though I wink (with two I's), I eliminate "me."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page250"
+       id="page250"></a>[pg 250]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/250.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/250.png"
+             alt="POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS." />
+             </a>
+
+        <h3>POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS.</h3>(<i>By
+        Our Own Instantaneous Photographer</i>.)
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page251"
+       id="page251"></a>[pg 251]</span>
+
+    <h2>IN A LOCK.&mdash;A WHITSUNTIDE WARBLE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"<i>Lock! Lock!</i>"&mdash;Shock! Rock! That's a
+            pretty frock bulging over the gunwale!</p>
+
+            <p>She looks like to choke with that horrible smoke,
+            which is fuming out of the Steam-Launch funnel.</p>
+
+            <p>Pleasant old cry! All in, and dry. though we're
+            awfully crowded this first Spring holiday,</p>
+
+            <p>Better this than St. Stephen's dead-lock! Our
+            serious Senators out for a jolly day</p>
+
+            <p>Might do worse. Who carries the purse? That ten-foot
+            rod with the toll-net ending it</p>
+
+            <p>Means a hint. They must make "a mint"; and, by Jove,
+            there are many worse ways of spending it,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Money, I mean. Now were G-SCH-N seen collecting cash
+            for his dry Exchequer</p>
+
+            <p>With pole and net, it were nicer, you bet, than
+            keeping up his financial pecker</p>
+
+            <p>With Spirit Duties! Those two blonde beauties in
+            Cambridge blue are exceeding bonny;</p>
+
+            <p>B-LF-R now at that same boat's bow would be quite in
+            his element&mdash;eh, my sonny?</p>
+
+            <p>And OLD MORALITY cooling his legs in the
+            stern-sheets yonder would find the steering</p>
+
+            <p>Easier far than amidst the jar of St. Stephen's, hot
+            with T-M H-LY jeering.</p>
+
+            <p>S-L-SB-RY, too, with a well-trained crew, would put
+            his back&mdash;that broad back of his!&mdash;in it.</p>
+
+            <p>Don't be in a hurry, my nautical friend! we shall
+            all get out in another minute.</p>
+
+            <p>Just like life! Such fidgety strife to be first to
+            the front when the lock-gates sever.</p>
+
+            <p>What does it matter, friends, after all? The slow,
+            the skilful, the dull, the clever,</p>
+
+            <p>The snake-swift "swell" and the splashing 'ARRY, the
+            puffing launch, and the trim outrigger,</p>
+
+            <p>The calm canoest who hugs the timbers, the fussy
+            punter who toils like a nigger,</p>
+
+            <p>All will anon be well out in the cutting, the old
+            gates shutting slowly behind them,</p>
+
+            <p>And where are those who so shoved to the front? At
+            the tail of the race you may presently find them.</p>
+
+            <p>The G.O.M. (with his collars for sails), that jaunty
+            skiff might be handling. Bless us!</p>
+
+            <p>Can he take holiday, he whom toil seems to encoil
+            like a shirt of Nessus?</p>
+
+            <p>Well, Union<i>ist</i> or Separat<i>ist</i>, or chap
+            with a twist like C-NN-NGH-M GR-H-M,</p>
+
+            <p>Or howling PAT, or Aristo<i>crat</i> with manners
+            like BRUMMEL and voice like BRAHAM,</p>
+
+            <p>Peppery G-SCH-N, or pompous H-RC-RT, or genial
+            SM-TH, the new-made Warden,</p>
+
+            <p>All, all, to-day, when the world is gay, the stream
+            like silver, the banks a garden,</p>
+
+            <p><i>Much</i> worse might do than tog up in blue and
+            join a crew on the rolling river,</p>
+
+            <p>"Beyond the tide," dropping all their "side," party
+            or personal, leaving "liver,"</p>
+
+            <p>And Influenza, and other "Obstructions," all
+            party-jobbers, all jibbers and jolters,</p>
+
+            <p>In sunny weather to crowd together in Moulsey Lock,
+            or it might be BOULTER's!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/251.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/251.png"
+             alt="ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY." /></a>
+
+        <h3>ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Young Lady</i>. "AND NOW, JANE, WHAT'S THE
+        <i>NEXT</i> THING TO DO, AFTER PUTTING THE MEAT AND
+        POTATOES IN THE STEWPAN?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Village Girl</i>. "PLEASE, MISS, WASH THE BABY!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>The Kennel, Barks, Friday, May 15</i>.&mdash;This entry
+    in Diary is dated from my ancestral home, pleasantly situated
+    in the County I have the honour to represent. Haven't been to
+    Westminster this week. Hear, through usual channels of
+    information, that House adjourns to-day for Whitsun Recess.
+    When I say House, I mean fragment that remains; a few doors and
+    chimneys, with here and there a ruined wing. Fact is, majority
+    absent with influenza. Some seventy or eighty of us have formed
+    House of our own; meet regularly at usual hour; get through
+    business in a way that would astonish the residuum left at
+    Westminster; and jog off comfortably for dinner. All Parties
+    and all sections of Party represented. SPEAKER and Chairman of
+    Committees still stick to Westminster. But we have GORST, one
+    of the Deputy-Speakers, who presides with dignity and despatch.
+    JACKSON looks after arrangement of business. AKERS-DOUGLAS
+    whips up the Conservatives, assisted by SYDNEY HERBERT and
+    ARTHUR HILL. THOMAS ESMONDE brings up to the scratch TANNER,
+    SWIFT MACNEILL, and PIERCE MAHONY. On Treasury Bench MICHAEL
+    BEACH sits in place of OLD MORALITY, being supported by GEORGIE
+    HAMILTON, STUART WORTLEY, and JAMES FERGUSSON, whilst KNUTSFORD
+    and DERBY look down from Peers' Gallery. On Front Opposition
+    Bench Mr. G., just arrived; finds JOHN MORLEY, OSBORNE AP
+    MORGAN, KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH, and MUNDELLA. WOLMER not yet arrived,
+    but daily expected. Meanwhile JOHN LUBBOCK, MUNTZ, T.W.
+    RUSSELL, and the Wiwacious WIGGIN here, ready to obey the Whip,
+    when issued.</p>
+
+    <p>CHARLES FORSTER, looks after petitions for us; FRANK
+    LOCKWOOD draws us out (or in, as the case may be); ALGERNON
+    BORTHWICK throws an air of fashionable society around us; the
+    Reverberating COLOMB lifts his tall head in our midst; ISAAC
+    HOLDEN never tires of telling the fascinating story of how he
+    discovered the lucifer-match; HENNIKER HEATON passes the time
+    writing letters to RAIKES, and complains that the
+    Postmaster-General has his communications ostentatiously
+    fumigated before opening them; SEYMOUR KEAY says he must get
+    back to Westminster (nobody says him nay), or Land Bill would
+    be getting passed through Committee; and here is the Grand
+    Young GARDNER <i>and</i> his wife&mdash;Lady WINIFRED, of
+    course, looking down on us from Ladies' Gallery.</p>
+
+    <p>Have on the whole a very good time. Looked after by RUSTEM
+    ROOSE, whose cure is as alluring as it is infallible. "Eat,
+    drink and sleep," he says. "Lie on your back and sedulously do
+    nothing." So whilst they storm and fret at Westminster, here,
+    in hollow Lotos Land we live and lie reclining. Pleasant to
+    hear RUSTEM ROOSE's voice as he goes his morning rounds,
+    stethoscope in hand. "A long breath, dear friend: say '74;
+    Pommery, certainly if you like; a pint at luncheon and a roast
+    chicken. Turn over, dear friend; another long breath; say '80;
+    de Lanson, of course, if you prefer it; a pint at dinner with a
+    fried sole and a porterhouse steak; or, if you are tired of
+    champagne, take a pint of claret with a glass or two of port. A
+    long breath, dear friend; say '50; three glasses if '50 port
+    won't do you any harm."</p>
+
+    <p>Worst of it is we're all getting better, and shall be back
+    to the grind at Westminster after Whitsuntide. <i>Business
+    done</i>.&mdash;All taking long breaths.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>THE DIS-ORDER OF THE DAY.&mdash;In the House of Commons on
+    the Motion of the First Lord of the Treasury, it was resolved
+    that Influenza, M.P., be expelled. Mr. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN,
+    Leader of the Opposition, <i>pro tem.</i>, moved to amend the
+    Resolution by adding "at once." This was agreed to <i>nem.
+    con.</i> The Serjeant-at-Arms was thereupon ordered to remove
+    Influenza. He declined on the ground that if he did he might
+    catch it. After some conversation the debate was adjourned.
+    Influenza left sitting on Members generally.&mdash;<i>Extract
+    from the Fifteenth of May's Parliamentary Report</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page252"
+       id="page252"></a>[pg 252]</span>
+
+    <h2>A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a Perplexed Reader of the Penny Papers.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:22%;">
+        <a href="images/252-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/252-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When you're lying awake, with a horrid headache (to
+            adopt a suggestion of GILBERT's),</p>
+
+            <p>When too freely you've dined, or too heavily wined,
+            or munched too many walnuts or filberts;</p>
+
+            <p>When your brain is a maze, and creation a haze, then
+            each queer social craze&mdash;there are
+            many!&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Gets your wits in a spool, and there isn't a fool
+            for your thoughts would advance you a penny.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You can't sleep a wink, so the question of Drink,
+            though you timidly shrink from it, harries you.</p>
+
+            <p>Your wit's in a whirl, as you think, if some girl
+            with a <i>penchant</i> for you, ups and marries
+            you.</p>
+
+            <p>And ties you for life to the thing called a
+            Wife,&mdash;that figment, that fraud, that
+            illusion,</p>
+
+            <p>Where, <i>what</i> will you be? And you can't find a
+            key to the epoch's chaotic confusion.</p>
+
+            <p>It seems Local Option is sure of adoption, and what
+            a tyrannic majority</p>
+
+            <p>May "opt" for one day, you're unable to say, and in
+            vain you appeal to Authority.</p>
+
+            <p>The Law of the Land is a labyrinth grand, which you
+            can't understand, nor can anyone,</p>
+
+            <p>And <i>that</i> is a thought, with delirium fraught,
+            an appalling, if 'tis not a penny one.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now Law, the Old Antic, seems utterly frantic,
+            absurdly romantic and maundering;</p>
+
+            <p>And Cool Common Sense has gone dotty and dense, in
+            dim deserts of Sentiment wandering.</p>
+
+            <p>Now Reason and Right, hydrocephalous quite, are both
+            Della-Cruscan and drivelling,</p>
+
+            <p>Life (barring the fun) like "The Mulberry One,"
+            seems a mixture of diddling and snivelling.</p>
+
+            <p>There's LAWSON who jaws on the Abstinence Cause on,
+            and would lay his claws on the Nation,</p>
+
+            <p>And put sudden stopper on all that's improper (as
+            <i>he</i> thinks) without compensation;</p>
+
+            <p>And then there's Sir EDWARD, who, when he goes
+            bedward, must have <i>his</i> reflections
+            nightmarish!</p>
+
+            <p>It seems, from such rigs, that our biggest Big Wigs
+            are scarcest to govern a parish.</p>
+
+            <p>MCDOUGALL again, is agog to restrain all that gives
+            <i>his</i> soul pain&mdash;it's a squeamish
+            one!&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>He thinks he's a stayer as Jabberwock-slayer, mere
+            Angry Boy he, <i>not</i> a Beamish One!</p>
+
+            <p>These Oracles windy do raise such a shindy, and kick
+            such a doose of a dust up,</p>
+
+            <p>One would think without <i>them</i> we were wrong
+            stern and stem, and the whole of creation would bust
+            up.</p>
+
+            <p>But verily why men should <i>new</i> worship
+            Hymen,&mdash;who, just as unshackled as
+            Cupid,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>(See decision <i>Re</i> JACKSON), take burdens their
+            backs on, I can<i>not</i> conceive. It seems stupid</p>
+
+            <p>Beyond all expression to have a "possession" whose
+            "ownness" there's desperate doubt of,</p>
+
+            <p>And which (if she's <i>nous</i>) you can't keep
+            <i>in</i> your house, nor yet (if she's "savvy") keep
+            <i>out</i> of!</p>
+
+            <p>What <i>is</i> "Hymen's halter"? I fidget and
+            falter! The Beaks seem to palter and fumble.</p>
+
+            <p>In such a strange fashion, I fly in a passion, and
+            vow that the world is a jumble.</p>
+
+            <p>Law seems a wigged noodle, as tame as a poodle, the
+            whole darned caboodle (as 'ARRY sees)</p>
+
+            <p>Is ructions and "rot," and our "rulers" a lot of
+            confounded old foodles and Pharisees!</p>
+
+            <p>Yes, that's what <i>I</i> think about Marriage and
+            Drink&mdash;if you may call it thought, which with
+            frenzy is fraught, and gives me a "head" like bad
+            whiskey; whose dread is on me day and night, makes me
+            wake in a fright, from visions most solemn of column on
+            column of such "printed matter" and paragraph chatter,
+            as makes me feel flatter than cold eggless batter upon
+            a lead platter&mdash;as mad as a hatter, and who will
+            relieve me? Can anyone?</p>
+
+            <p>I tell you it's dreadful to face a whole bedful of
+            spectres and spooks (born of papers and books) with,
+            most horrible looks, limbs contorted in crooks, and
+            bat-wings with big hooks, which haunt all the nooks of
+            tester and curtain, and which, I am certain, will drive
+            me insane if <i>some</i> one can't explain where the
+            mischief we are, 'midst the jumble and jar of factions
+            and fads, of crotchets and cads, of Tolstois and
+            Jeunes, and Ibsens (whose lunes are more lunatic
+            still). Oh, I'd learn with a will from any or aught,
+            who could bring me, fresh caught, with lucidity fraught
+            (what so long I have sought) a Clear Comforting
+            Thought&mdash;though a Penny One!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2><i>IN RE</i> THE INFLUENZA.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>An Autobiographical Note on the appearance of the
+    Epidemic in the Law Courts.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:23%;">
+        <a href="images/252-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/252-2.png"
+             alt="Catching." /></a>Catching.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Owing to recent sentimental legislation, many members of the
+    learned profession, to which I have the honour to belong, have
+    found their practice becoming (to quote the poet) "small by
+    degrees and beautifully less." Times were when I could scarcely
+    pass a week in term time without appearing in Court holding a
+    consent brief, or armed with authority to move (unopposed) for
+    the appointment of a receiver. But that was long ago&mdash;a
+    deep contrast with to-day&mdash;when my admirable and excellent
+    Clerk PORTINGTON, finds an hour a day ample, almost too ample,
+    time for posting up to date my Fee Book. However, occasionally
+    a gleam of the old sunshine illumines, so to speak, the
+    chambers I occupy, and such a gleam was my retention for the
+    Defence in the cause of <i>Quicksilver</i> v. <i>Nore</i>. It
+    was a Patent Case, and one of the deepest possible interest. It
+    is my good fortune to know the Defendant, personally, and it
+    was through his kind offices that the instructions to appear
+    for him were left at my chambers. My friend and client (who is
+    unjustly said to be eccentric in his habits) has recently
+    patented and produced a most important invention, which greatly
+    facilitates the retention of dinner-napkins, after those
+    useful, nay, necessary articles have been used for the purpose
+    for which they are manufactured. Like all really valuable
+    inventions, the patent is simplicity itself, the napkin-ring
+    consisting of the section of the thicker end of an elephant's
+    tusk cut to an appropriate size and hollowed out. It is
+    necessary to fold the dinner-napkin in such a fashion that,
+    when inserted through the ring, its shape is retained by the
+    adherent properties inseparable from the ivory. The patent can
+    also be produced in other materials, such as gold, silver and
+    jewels for the wealthy, and in bone, tin and even glass for
+    purchasers of smaller means. I must say that when the ring was
+    shown to me I was greatly struck with the cleverness and
+    simplicity of the idea, and could not understand how Mr.
+    QUICKSILVER could have allowed himself to be so badly advised
+    as to bring an action for infringement, merely on the strength
+    of <i>his</i> patent being also a dinner-napkin-holder with the
+    ring element so far introduced that it consisted of a circle
+    closed and opened by a hinge. However, it was no part of my
+    duty to advise the other side, so I set to work to get up my
+    case (as I invariably do) <i>con amore</i>. I hunted up all the
+    causes in the Digest, that seemed to be on all-fours with the
+    matter in dispute, and spent days in the Public Library of the
+    Patent Office searching for patents having to do with
+    table-napkins. As the specifications were not consecutively
+    published, I had to wade through a large number of these
+    interesting documents that treated of other subjects. For
+    instance, the first specification I would take out of the box
+    in which it was kept, would perhaps have to do with
+    house-raising without disturbance to the foundations, the
+    second would prove to be an article half umbrella, half
+    revolver, while in the third I would perhaps find an extremely
+    quaint notion for a portable pocket corkscrew. I myself picked
+    up many ideas for future use, and hope some day, if I do
+    nothing else, at least to perfect a clever little contrivance
+    of my own for arousing the inmates of a house invaded by
+    burglars by casement concussions. I propose calling this
+    valuable little instrument (which is founded to some extent on
+    the simple construction by which the figures in a child's box
+    of wooden soldiers are enabled to advance and retire in a
+    scissors-like fashion), when produced, the Policeman's Upper
+    Floor Window Tapper.</p>
+
+    <p>The day for the hearing at length arrived, and, armed with a
+    mass of carefully selected information, I was in my seat ready
+    to defend the originality of the Nore Napkin Ring, so to speak,
+    to the death. In my notes before me I had the skeleton of a
+    really fine oration, which I felt (if I mastered my normal
+    nervousness) would bristle with epigram, and thrill with
+    heartfelt, brain-inspired eloquence. So deeply interested was I
+    in the matter, that I scarcely listened to my friend's opening,
+    and only became aware of what was happening in Court by the
+    rising of the Judge. Suddenly his Lordship bowed, and
+    disappeared. I looked at the clock&mdash;it was only
+    noon&mdash;and, consequently, an hour and thirty minutes in
+    advance of the time usually selected for the mid-day
+    adjournment. And then, to my dismay, I found that his Lordship
+    was suffering from the influenza! Well, there was nothing to do
+    but to collect my papers, and, assisted by PORTINGTON, return
+    to my chambers. The next day my head ached violently, and I
+    could not move. Then I have a recollection of dictating to my
+    wife long telegrams to PORTINGTON, which I subsequently
+    discovered were neither despatched nor delivered.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>When I awoke, I found that the matter of <i>Quicksilver</i>
+    v. <i>Nore</i> had been arranged and settled&mdash;out of
+    Court!</p>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Pump-handle Court.</i> (<i>Signed</i>) A.
+    BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, May 23, 1891, by Various
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100,
+May 23, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 23, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 2, 2004 [EBook #13352]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+May 23, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.
+
+(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION, BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._)
+
+NO. IV.--THE WILD DUCK.
+
+ACT I.
+
+    _At WERLE's house. In front a richly-upholstered study.
+    (R.) a green-baize door leading to WERLE's office. At back,
+    open folding doors, revealing an elegant dining-room, in
+    which a brilliant Norwegian dinner-party is going on. Hired
+    Waiters in profusion. A glass is tapped with a knife. Shouts
+    of "Bravo!" Old Mr. WERLE is heard making a long speech,
+    proposing--according to the custom of Norwegian society on
+    such occasions--the health of his Housekeeper, Mrs. SOeRBY.
+    Presently several short-sighted, flabby, and thin-haired
+    Chamberlains, enter from the dining-room, with HIALMAR
+    EKDAL, who writhes shyly under their remarks._
+
+_A Chamberlain_. As we are the sole surviving specimens of Norwegian
+nobility, suppose we sustain our reputation as aristocratic sparklers
+by enlarging upon the enormous amount we have eaten, and chaffing
+HIALMAR EKDAL, the friend of our host's son, for being a professional
+Photographer?
+
+[Illustration: "Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!"]
+
+_The other Chamberlains_. Bravo! We will.
+
+    [_They do; delight of HIALMAR. Old WERLE comes in, leaning
+    on his Housekeeper's arm, followed by his son, GREGERS
+    WERLE._
+
+_Old Werle_ (_dejectedly_). Thirteen at table! (_To_ GREGERS, _with
+a meaning glance at_ HIALMAR.) This is the result of inviting an old
+College friend who has turned Photographer! Wasting vintage wines on
+_him_, indeed!
+
+    [_He passes on gloomily._
+
+_Hialmar_ (_to Gregers_). I am almost sorry I came. Your old min is
+_not_ friendly. Yet he set me up as a Photographer fifteen years ago.
+_Now_ he takes me down! But for him, I should never have married GINA,
+who, you may remember, was a servant in your family once.
+
+_Gregers_. What? my old College friend married fifteen years ago--and
+to our GINA, of all people! If I had not been up at the works all
+these years, I suppose I should have heard something of such an event.
+But my father never mentioned it. Odd!
+
+    [_He ponders; Old EKDAL comes out through the green-baize
+    door, bowing, and begging pardon, carrying copying work. Old
+    WERLE says "Ugh" and "Puh" involuntarily. HIALMAR shrinks
+    back, and looks another way. A Chamberlain asks him
+    pleasantly if he knows that old man._
+
+_Hialmar_. I--oh no. Not in the least. No relation!
+
+_Gregers_ (_shocked_). What, HIALMAR, you, with your great soul, deny
+your own father!
+
+_Hialmar_ (_vehemently_). Of course--what else _can_ a Photographer
+do with a disreputable old parent, who has been in a Penitentiary
+for making a fraudulent map? I shall leave this splendid banquet. The
+Chamberlains are not kind to me, and I feel the crushing hand of fate
+on my head! [_Goes out hastily, feeling it._
+
+_Mrs. Soerby_ (_archly_). Any Nobleman here say "Cold Punch"?
+
+    [_Every Nobleman says "Cold Punch," and follows her out in
+    search of it with enthusiasm. GREGERS approaches his father,
+    who wishes he would go._
+
+_Gregers_. Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you. I am
+nothing if not candid. Old EKDAL was your partner once, and it's my
+firm belief you deserved a prison quite as much as he did. However,
+you surely need not have married our GINA to my old friend HIALMAR.
+You know very well she was no better than she should have been!
+
+_Old Werle_. True--but then no more is Mrs. SOeRBY. And _I_ am going to
+marry _her_--if you have no objection, that is.
+
+_Gregers_. None in the world! How can I object to a stepmother who
+is playing Blind Man's Buff at the present moment with the Norwegian
+nobility? I am not so overstrained as all that. But really I can_not_
+allow my old friend HIALMAR, with his great, confiding, childlike
+mind, to remain in contented ignorance of GINA's past. No, I see my
+mission in life at last! I shall take my hat, and inform him that his
+home is built upon a lie. He will be _so_ much obliged to me! [_Takes
+his hat, and goes out._
+
+_Old Werle_. Ha!--I am a wealthy merchant, of dubious morals, and I
+am about to marry my housekeeper, who is on intimate terms with the
+Norwegian aristocracy. I have a son who loathes me, and who is either
+an Ibsenian satire on the Master's own ideals, or else an utterly
+impossible prig--I don't know or care which. Altogether, I flatter
+myself my household affords an accurate and realistic picture of
+Scandinavian Society!
+
+ACT II.
+
+    _HIALMAR EKDAL's Photographic Studio. Cameras, neck-rests,
+    and other instruments of torture lying about. GINA EKDAL and
+    HEDWIG, her daughter, aged 14, and wearing spectacles,
+    discovered sitting up for HIALMAR._
+
+_Hedvig_. Grandpapa is in his room with a bottle of brandy and a jug
+of hot water, doing some fresh copying work. Father is in society,
+dining out. He promised he would bring me home something nice!
+
+_Hialmar_ (_coming in, in evening dress_). And he has not forgotten
+his promise, my child. Behold! (_he presents her with the menu card;
+HEDVIG gulps down her tears_; HIALMAR _notices her disappointment,
+with annoyance._) And this all the gratitude I get! After dining out
+and coming home in a dress-coat and boots, which are disgracefully
+tight! Well, well, just to show you how hurt I am, I won't have any
+_beer_ now! What a selfish brute I am! (_Relenting._) You may bring
+me just a little drop. (_He bursts into tears._) I will play you a
+plaintive Bohemian dance on my flute. (_He does._) No beer at such a
+sacred moment as this! (_He drinks._) Ha, this is real domestic bliss!
+
+    [_GREGERS WERLE comes in, in a countrified suit._
+
+_Gregers_. I have left my father's home--dinner-party and all--for
+ever. I am coming to lodge with you.
+
+_Hialmar_ (_still melancholy_). Have some bread and butter. You won't?
+then I _will_. I want it, after your father's lavish hospitality.
+(_HEDVIG goes to fetch bread and butter._) My daughter--a poor
+shortsighted little thing--but mine own.
+
+_Gregers_. My father has had to take to strong glasses, too--he
+can hardly see after dinner. (_To Old EKDAL, who stumbles in very
+drunk._) How can you, Lieutenant EKDAL, who were such a keen sportsman
+once, live in this poky little hole?
+
+_Old Ekdal_. I am a sportsman still. The only difference is that once
+I shot bears in a forest, and now I pot tame rabbits in a garret.
+Quite as amusing--and safer.
+
+    [_He goes to sleep on a sofa._
+
+_Hialmar_ (_with pride_). It is quite true. You shall see.
+
+    [_He pushes back sliding doors, and reveals a garret full of
+    rabbits and poultry--moonlight effect. HEDVIG returns with
+    bread and butter._
+
+_Hedvig_ (_to GREGERS_). If you stand just there, you get the best
+view of our Wild Duck. We are very proud of her, because she gives the
+play its title, you know, and has to be brought into the dialogue a
+good deal. Your father, peppered her out shooting, and we saved her
+life.
+
+_Hialmar_. Yes, GREGERS, our estate is not large--but still we
+preserve, you see. And my poor old father and I sometimes get a day's
+gunning in the garret. He shoots with a pistol, which my illiterate
+wife here _will_ call a "pigstol." He once, when he got into trouble,
+pointed it at himself. But the descendant of two lieutenant-colonels
+who had never quailed before living rabbit yet, faltered then. He
+_didn't_ shoot. Then I put it to my own head. But at the decisive
+moment, I won the victory over myself. I remained in life. Now we
+only shoot rabbits and fowls with it. After all I am very happy and
+contented as I am. [_He eats some bread and butter._
+
+_Gregers_. But you ought _not_ to be. You have a good deal of the
+Wild Duck about you. So have your wife and daughter. You are living
+in marsh vapours. To-morrow I will take you out for a walk and explain
+what I mean. It is my mission in life. Good night! [_He goes out._
+
+_Gina and Hedwig_. What _was_ the gentleman talking about, Father?
+
+_Hialmar_ (_eating bread and butter_). He has been dining, you know.
+No matter--what _we_ have to do now, is to put my disreputable old
+whitehaired pariah of a parent to bed.
+
+    [_He and GINA lift old ECCLES--we mean old EKDAL--up by the
+    legs and arms, and take him off to led as the Curtain falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKNEY MOTTO FOR A FEEBLE CRICKETER.--"Take 'Art of GRACE!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL.
+(_See opposite page._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KEY TO THE PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE.
+
+_Arms_.--Quarterly: 1. A female figure habited in white robes reaching
+to the ankles, with Arms elevated, all quite proper, for _Grace_. 2.
+A wildman or ratepayer rampant, for _Thrift_. 3. A bend (or bar)
+sinister on a chart vert, for _Bloomsbury_. 4. Three demi-councillors,
+wings elevated, regardant an empty seat, for _Vacancy_.
+
+_Crest_.--On a beadle's hat erased, a new broom.
+
+_Supporters_.--Dexter, a Paul Pry regardant, grasping an eyeglass
+sinister. Sinister, a Stiggins. Both gorged.
+
+_Motto_.--"_Ubi nunc sumus?_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAMILIARITY BREEDS RESPECT.
+
+(_A PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A WOULD-BE BUT COULDN'T-BE DUELLIST._)
+
+_Monday_.--Arrived on the ground ready to fight my opponent to the
+death. We had just measured the ground, when an agent of Police
+appeared upon the scene, and we had to decamp hurriedly. Duel
+postponed till to-morrow.
+
+_Tuesday_.--New spot chosen. Pistols this time instead of rapiers.
+Just as we were about to fire, appearance of the agents of the law.
+Postponement again absolutely necessary.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Once more ready to meet. Both of us rather amused at
+the precautions we have to take to prevent interruption. Opponent
+obligingly suggested a new and suitable spot for the settlement of
+our little differences. Found it to be a most excellent selection,
+but before we could fight, once more interrupted. Both of us greatly
+annoyed, and arranged to meet to-morrow.
+
+_Thursday_.--Amused to find myself first in the field--my opponent
+five minutes late. Both of us had come before the seconds, and so
+spent the time in a pleasant little chat, and cigarettes. My opponent
+not half a bad fellow when you come to know him. Just as he was in the
+middle of a most amusing story, our seconds arrived--with the Police!
+Postponement once more imperative.
+
+_Friday_.--Opponent turned up first, and, at my request, completed
+his yesterday's story--one of the best I have ever heard. Most amusing
+chap--should have liked to have heard another, when, finding ourselves
+uninterrupted, we thought we had better seize the opportunity to
+settle our affair of honour. Our customary luck! Seemingly had just
+time to kill one another, when enter the Police! Programme as before.
+
+_Saturday_.--Met again. Really quite pleased to have made the
+acquaintance of such a nice fellow as my opponent. Full of fun and
+anecdote. On comparing notes, we found that we had entirely forgotten
+what on earth we had quarrelled about. So shook hands and arranged
+that if we fired at anyone, our target should be the Police.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PLEA FOR THE CART-HORSE PARADE SOCIETY.
+
+  All who love English horses, and back English Trade,
+  Should welcome the annual "Cart-Horse Parade."
+  No function of Fashion on Racecourse or Row
+  Should "fetch" our equestrian enthusiast so.
+  First-rate English horses in holiday guise!
+  A sight that to please a true Britisher's eyes.
+  And then the Society--surely _that_ will be
+  Supported by Britons. Ask good WALTER GILBEY
+  (Cambridge House, Regent's Park). He will tell you no doubt
+  What the C.-H.P.S. have, some time, been about.
+  Fancy prizes to Carmen for care of their horses!
+  That charms a horse-lover. To plump the resources
+  Of such a Society--by their support
+  In subscriptions--all friends of the horse and of sport
+  Should surely be eager; so, horse-lovers willing,
+  Despatch the gold pound plus the odd silver shilling!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HISTORY AND ART.--Doubts have been thrown on the genuineness of the
+story about St. ELIZABETH of Hungary as illustrated by Mr. CALDERON's
+well-known and striking picture in this year's Academy. Mr. CALDERON
+affirms, according to the best of his high lights, that he has simply
+portrayed the naked truth. So far, in a certain sense, the Court is
+with him. Still, historians are neither unbiassed nor infallible, and
+painters are inclined to sacrifice much for effect. For our part,
+we should be inclined to refer the situation, which this picture
+illustrates, to some incident in the life of the celebrated Miss
+ELIZABETH MARTIN, generally known as "BETTY MARTIN." The legend may
+be found in some work by that voluminous writer _Finis_, or by the
+oft-quoted _Ibid_, under the quaint heading, _Historia Mei et Beati
+Martini_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)
+
+[Illustration: No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on
+the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 259. "A Select Committee." H. Stacy Marks, R.A.]
+
+No. 278. "_The Fleecy Charge_." A title that suggests an attempt at
+extortion, but is here applied to _A picture in wool-work_ by the
+veteran, T. SYDNEY COOPER, R.A. Of course whatever the artist may ask
+for it, it will always be "sheep at the price."
+
+No. 388. "_Writing a Message to St. Helena_." Hope St. Helena received
+it. Probably forwarded by a winged messenger as suggested by the name
+of the artist, which is EYRE CROWE, A.
+
+No. 519. "_Gorse_." By DAVID MURRAY. Good? Why certainly, as a matter
+of gorse.
+
+No. 697. Rather mixed subject, being "_Eventide_" by KNIGHT.
+
+No. 1161. "_A Maiden Fair_." By G.A. STOREY, A. Never heard of such a
+thing as "a Maiden Fair," except in Oriental countries. She seems to
+be having all the fun of the Fair to herself. This concludes a series
+of Storeys in four numbers, 356, 704, 1043 and 1161, making up his
+"Tale." "And now my STOREY's done," that is, for this Season.
+
+SCULPTURE.
+
+No. 1962. "_Triumph_" of ADRIAN JONES. It is so. Quite a triumph. The
+SMITHS, BROWNS and ROBINSONS nowhere compared with A. JONES.
+
+No. 2001. "_H.M. Stanley--bust._" Is he? Poor STANLEY! It is to be
+hoped that the EMIN-ent explorer will forgive the sculptor, who is
+C.B. BIRCH, A. Fancy the indomitable STANLEY never yet beaten, but
+BIRCH'd at last!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. XVIII.--MARIAN MUFFET: A ROMANCE OF BLACKMORE.
+
+(_BY_ R.D. EXMOOR, _AUTHOR OF "BORN A SPOON;" "PADDOCK ROWEL;" "WIT
+AND WITTY;" "TIPS FOR MARRIERS;" "SCARE A FAWN;" "'BRELLAS FOR RAIN,"
+&C., &C., &C._)
+
+    ["This," writes Mr. EXMOOR, "is another of my simple tales.
+    Yet I send it forth into the world thinking that haply there
+    may be some, and they not of the baser sort, who reading
+    therein as the humour takes them, may draw from it nurture
+    for their minds. For truly it is in the nature of fruit-trees,
+    whereof, without undue vaunting, I may claim to know somewhat,
+    that the birds of the air, the tits, the wrens, ay, even unto
+    the saucy little sparrows, whose firm spirit in warfare hath
+    ever been one of my chiefest marvels, should gather in the
+    branches seeking for provender. So in books, and herein too
+    I have some small knowledge, those that are of the ripest
+    sort are ever the first to be devoured. And if the public
+    be pleased, how shall he that made the book feel aught but
+    gratitude. Therefore I let it go, not being blind in truth
+    to the faults thereof, but with humble confidence too in much
+    compensating merit."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Fate, that makes sport alike of peasants and of kings, turning the
+one to honour and a high seat, and making the other to lie low in the
+estimation of men, though haply (as 'tis said in our parish) he think
+no small beer of himself, hath seemingly ordained that I, THOMAS
+TIDDLER, should set down in order some doings wherein I had a share.
+And herein I make no show of learning, being but an undoctrined farmer
+and not skilled in the tricks of style, as the word is in these parts,
+but trusting simply to strength and honesty (whereof, God knows,
+there is but little beyond the limits of our farm), and to that breezy
+carriage of the pen which favoureth a plain man treading sturdily the
+winding paths and rough places of his native tongue. Notwithstanding
+I take no small encouragement from this, that whereas of those that
+have made to my knowledge the bravest boasting and the loudest puffing
+(though of this I am loth to speak, never having had a stomach for
+the work), the writings often perish neglectfully and nothing said,
+some, writing afar in quiet places removed from the busy rabblement
+of towns, not seldom steer their course to fame and riches, whereof,
+thanks be to Heaven, I never yet had covetousness, deeming theirs the
+happier lot to whom a dry crust with haply a slice of our good country
+cheese and a draught of the foaming cider bring contentment. Each to
+his own fashion, say I, and the fashion of the TIDDLERS hath always
+been in a manner plain and unvarnished, like to the large oak press
+wherein mother stores her Sunday gown and other woman's finery such
+as the mind of man, being at best but a coarse week-day creature, hath
+never fairly conceived. But lo! I am tarrying on my way, losing myself
+in a maze of cheap fancies, while the reader perchance yawns and
+stretches his limbs as though for bed. All I know is paper and ink are
+cheaper than when I began to write.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+Now it fell on a Summer morning, I being then but newly come home
+from the Farmers' College, in the ancient town of Cambridge, that our
+whole household was gathered together in our parlour. Mother sat by
+the head of the great table, ladling out a savoury mess of porridge,
+not rashly, as the custom of some is, but carefully, like a prudent
+housewife, guarding her own. And by her side sat MOLLY and BETTY, her
+daughters, and next to them the maids, and they that pertained to the
+work of the house. First came old POLLY THISTLEDEW, gaunt of face, and
+parched of skin, the wrinkles running athwart her face, and over her
+hooked nose, like to the rivers drawn with much labour of meandering
+pen in the schoolboys' maps, though for such my marks were always low,
+I being better skilled in the giving of raps with the closed fist than
+in the making of maps with inky fingers--a bootless toil, as it always
+hath seemed to me. Next to her sat SALLY, the little milkmaid, casting
+coy glances at mother, who would have none of them, but with undue
+sternness, as I thought then, and still think, tossed them back to the
+shame-faced SALLY. Lower down sat JOHN TOOKER, "GIRT JAN DOUBLEFACE"
+he was ever called, not without a sly hint of increasing obesity,
+for JOHN, though a mighty man of thews and sinews, was no small
+trencherman, and, as the phrase is, did himself right royally whenever
+porridge was in question. All these sat, peaceably swallowing, while
+I, at the table's foot, faced mother, stirring my steaming bowl with
+my forefinger, forgetting the heat thereof, but not daring to wince,
+lest BETTY, whose tongue cut shrewdly when she had a mind, should make
+sport of me.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+Although I had, for the most part, so very stout an appetite that my
+bowl stood always first for the refilling, I had no desire for my food
+that day, but idly sat and stirred, and the burden of my thoughts wore
+deeply inward with the dwelling of my mind on this view and on that of
+it. But, on a sudden, what a turmoil, what a rising of maids, what a
+jumping on chairs, what a drawing up of gowns, and what a scurrying!
+For, out of a corner, comes the great brown rat, gliding sedately,
+and never so much as asking by your leave or with your leave. Then
+mother's old tom-cat, _Trouncer_, slowly rising, stretches his limbs,
+and bares his claws, making ready for what is to come, but not,
+me-thinks, with much alacrity for the conflict, for rats have teeth,
+as _Trouncer_ knows--ay, and can use them to much purpose. Therefore
+_Trouncer_, making belief to be brave, as is the custom both of
+cats and of others that walk on two legs, and have thumbs to their
+fore-paws, gathers himself to the spring, but springs not. Then comes
+GIRT JAN's terrier, _Rouser_, at last--where hath the terrier been
+tarrying? Terriers should not tarry--and, with scant ceremony, leaps
+upon _Trouncer_. Cuff, cuff, go the claws. _Trouncer_ swears roundly.
+Nay, _Trouncer_, 'tis a coward's part to fly beneath the chair.
+To him, good _Rouser_, to him, my man. But _Rouser_ hath forgot
+the claw-bearer, though his bleeding nose for many a day shall
+remember. _Rouser_ hath the rat in view. Round the parlour they go,
+helter-skelter, _Rouser_ on the tracks of the life-desiring rat, while
+the maids upon the chairs show ankles, in proof of terror, until, lo!
+he hath him pinned fast, never more to stir, or clean his whiskers in
+rat-land.
+
+And then all come down, and JAN boasts loudly how he all but trod him
+flat, ay, and could have done so had rat not fled in terror of his
+boot; and _Trouncer_ returns, smugly purring, and mother rates the
+blushing maids.
+
+And I to the fields, having work to do, but liking not the doing.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+Now I with _Rouser_ at my heels went manfully on my way. Gaily I went
+over the parched brown wastes where lately the flood had lain heavy
+upon the land, past the whispering copses of fir and beech and oak
+that top the upland, through the yellowing corn that stands waving
+golden promise in the valley, till I came to where the land bends
+suddenly with a sharp turn from the eastward whence a pearly brook,
+now swollen to a roaring torrent, babbles bravely over the stones.
+Sudden I stopped as though a palsy had gripped me, though of the
+TIDDLERS, as is well known, none hath ever suffered of a palsy, they
+being for the most part a lusty race, and apt for enduring moisture
+both within and without. Never till my dying day shall I forget the
+sight that met my eyes. For there seated upon a tuffet, her beautiful
+blue eyes fixed in horror and despair, her jug of curds and whey
+scarce tasted, was my MARIAN, while beside her, lolling at ease with
+the slothful stretch of his great limbs, and the flames as of Tophet
+in his fierce eyes sat SPIDER, the great black-haired giant SPIDER
+that would make a feast of her.
+
+I know not how I ran, nor what mighty strength was in my limbs, but
+in a moment I was with them, and his hairy throat was in my clutch.
+Quickly he turned upon me and fain had freed himself. Our breast-bones
+cracked in the conflict, his arms wound round and round me, and a
+hideous gleam of triumph was in his face. Thrice he had me off my
+feet, but at the fourth close I swayed him to the right, and then with
+one last heave I flung him on his back, and had the end of it, leaving
+him dead and flattened where he lay.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+Then gently I bore my MARIAN home, and mother greeted her fondly,
+saying, "Miss MUFFET, I presume?" which pleased me, thinking it only
+right that mother should use ceremony with my love. But she, poor
+darling, lay quiet and pale, scarce knowing her own happiness or the
+issue of the fight. For 'tis the way of women ever to faint if the
+occasion serve and a man's arms be there to prop them. And often
+in the warm summer-time, when the little lads and lasses gather to
+the plucking of buttercups and daisies, likening them gleefully to
+the gold and silver of a rich man's coffers, my darling, now grown
+matronly, sitteth on the tuffet in their midst, and telleth the tale
+of giant SPIDER and his fate.--[THE END.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+One of our "Co."--and the Baron may observe that, when "Co." is
+written it is not an abbreviation of "Coves"--has been reading _Sir
+George_ (BENTLEY), a Novel, which Mrs. HENNIKER has the courage to put
+forth in one volume. At the outset, the writing is a little slipshod.
+Mrs. HENNIKER has, moreover, a wild passion for the conjunction. When
+she can't summon another "which," she sticks in a "that." On one page
+appears the following startling announcement--"The March winds this
+year were unusually biting, and her nervous guardian would therefore
+[why therefore?] never allow her to walk out without a respirator,
+till they blew no longer from the East." We assume that, as soon as
+respirators blew from the West, this injunction would be withdrawn.
+But, as Mrs. HENNIKER, gets forward in her story, the style improves,
+"which's" disappear as they did in _Macbeth's_ time, and the tale
+is told in simple strenuous language. _Uncle George_ is a character
+finely conceived, and admirably drawn.
+
+The Baron returns thanks to the publisher, W. HEINEMANN, for sending
+a volume of DE QUINCEY's _Posthumorous Works_. A small dose of
+them, taken occasionally the last thing at night, may be confidently
+recommended to admirers of _The Opium Eater_, and will probably be
+found of considerable value to some who hitherto may have been the
+victims of _insomnia_. Highly recommended by the Faculty.
+
+(_Signed._) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EVENINGS FROM HOME.
+
+At the Court Theatre, _Le Feu Toupinel_, adapted for the English
+stage as _The Late Lamented_, is decidedly funny, that is, if you can
+once get over the idea that all its humour depends upon the immoral
+vagaries of an elderly scoundrel, an habitual criminal, who has
+departed this life in the odour of respectability, without his
+immoralities ever having been discovered. Had he been found out during
+his lifetime, he would have been tried for bigamy, convicted, and
+punished accordingly. This piece has been adapted from the French for
+the English stage; but, query, is it adapted to an English audience?
+That's the point. The run must decide. If the best possible acting can
+carry it along, then that it has got; for, though Mrs. JOHN WOOD has
+frequently had better chances, yet she has never worked harder, and
+never has she more deserved the laughter she excites. The same may be
+said of Mr. STANDING and Miss FILLIPPI, and also of Mr. ARTHUR CECIL,
+whose make-up is perfect, especially the dressing and colouring of
+his hair, which is an artistic triumph. Mr. GILBERT FARQUHAR's _Mr.
+Fawcett_, the Solicitor, contributes much to the fun of the scenes in
+which he appears with Mrs. JOHN WOOD; and Mr. CAPE, as _Parker_, the
+Confidential Servant, is excellent. There's plenty of "go" in it, but
+will it "stay"?
+
+Great attraction at the Lyceum! _The Corsican Brothers_ and _Nance
+Oldfield_! ELLEN TERRY as _Nance_ is delightful. Chorus, Gentlemen,
+if you please, "_For_--all our fancy, Dwells upon Nancy!" Our ELLEN
+is charming in this, so natural and so theatrical: herself as _Nance_,
+and then as _Mrs. Oldfield_, the actress, in the characters that
+_Nance_ assumes. For 'tis ELLEN playing _Nancy_, and _Nancy_ again
+playing Tragedy and Comedy. It is an old piece revived: there never
+was so old a piece, for there are only four characters in it, and
+they're all Old. There are two _Oldfields_ and two _Oldworthys_.
+Mr. WENMAN as _Oldfield Senior_, or the Old Obadiah, is a trifle too
+blusterous, but on the other hand, I am not prepared to say that a
+country attorney of that period wouldn't be uncouth and blusterous.
+His son _Alexander_, the Young Obadiah, is prettily played by Mr.
+GORDON CRAIG, who is a trifle too windmilly with his hands and arms;
+but in the whole play nothing becomes him so well as the pathos of his
+broken-hearted exit. He was touching and going. Henceforth, this young
+actor may justly describe himself as of the "Touch-and-go" school, and
+be, like "the livin' skeleton" mentioned by _Sam Weller_, "proud o'
+the title." Miss KATE PHILLIPS as _Anne's_ sister--though, as Mr.
+J.L. T-LE observed, as she is younger than _Anne_, she cannot well be
+her Anne-sister--is as bright and lively as need be, considering her
+menial position, which is rather odd in her sister's house. Visit
+Mistress NANCE TERRY; you'll find her very much "at home" in the part.
+After which _The Corsican Brothers_ revived, Ghost and all.
+
+[Illustration: The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the
+Lyceum.]
+
+When some years ago the Irvingesque version of it was produced, the
+twin who lived in Corsica, Brother _Fabien_, used to behave in the
+wildest Corsican way. Who that saw it some years ago does not remember
+how he used to chuck his gun up in the air, when it caught on to a
+hook in the wall! with what gusto he used to light a tiny cigarette
+from an enormous flaming brand snatched from the burning wood fire on
+the hearth! and how badly the starving guest from Paris fared in the
+Corsican household where he hadn't a chance against the appetite of
+Master _Fabien_, who, after a hard day's sport, came in ready for
+anything, and ate everything! It was the only occasion when this
+fearless son of destiny ever "bolted." But, my! how the food used to
+disappear! what a short time the supper occupied, and how very much
+third best the poor stranger came off under the hospitable roof of
+the _Dei Franchis_. Even now the supper is a brief one, but justice
+is done to it, _and_ to the weary traveller. Never was such an unhappy
+tourist! He comes to a house in the wilds of Corsica; he is choke-full
+of Parisian gossip, he has a lot to say of course, but he never gets
+a chance, as _Fabien_ tells him family stories one after the other, as
+if he hadn't had such an opportunity or so good a listener for ever
+so long. Then, when on the entrance of his mother _Fabien_ breaks off
+in the middle of one of his many anecdotes, which evidently can't be
+told before ladies, the Parisian gent, who now sees something like
+an opening for some light Boulevardian chit-chat, is presented with a
+flat candlestick and bowed off to bed, without being allowed a word to
+say for himself. All this is just the same as ever; there have been
+no alterations nor repairs; the piece is as curiously old-fashioned
+as are the exquisitely correct costumes; while the Masked Ball at
+the Opera and the Duel in the snow are as effective as ever, and the
+latter, if anything, more so. They make a first-rate fight of it, do
+Messrs. _Irving dei Franchi_ and _M. Terriss de Chateau Renaud_, until
+the latter collapses, and "subsequent proceedings interested him no
+more." As long as the strong right arm of the Corsican Brother can
+draw a good and shining rapier, he will draw as good and brilliant
+a house as he did on the first night of this revival. Why ought this
+piece to go well in the first theatre in Ireland? Why? because it's a
+great play for Doublin'. _Exeunt omnes._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EPIDEMIC.--Up to now Members of Parliament have been generally
+considered as "influential personages." This year many M.P.'s will be
+remembered as "very influenzial personages."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING,
+BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)!
+
+_Daughter of the House_. "TELL ME, PROFESSOR BORAX, HOW DID YOU LIKE
+THE LADY MAMMA GAVE YOU TO TAKE IN TO DINNER?"
+
+_The Professor_ (_innocently_). "MY DEAR GIRL, SHE'S SIMPLY THE MOST
+CHARMING WOMAN I EVER MET! _I NEVER TALKED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A MAZE.
+
+    "Mr. BALFOUR brought up a new sub-section, which he admitted
+    was so obscure that he only 'more or less' understood it
+    himself, and which, indeed, is of '_plusquam_-Thucydidean'
+    dimness and involution.... There is no excuse, we must say,
+    for the muddle into which the Government has got over the
+    Bill.... The House of Commons has adjourned for a short
+    holiday, but the Irish Land Purchase Bill is not yet through
+    Committee.... There still remained all the new clauses, for
+    which no time had been found."--_Times_.
+
+_Little Bill loquitur_:--
+
+  Oh do, if you please, Mr. BALFOUR, Sir, if you _can_,--and who can if you
+      can't, Sir?--
+  Get me out of this Maze, where for days and days I have strayed till I'm
+      all of a pant, Sir.
+  Twelve months ago we started, you know, and I've been on my feet ever
+      since, Sir.
+  And oh, if you please, I feel weak at the knees, and the pains in my back
+      make me wince, Sir.
+  Mister HOOD's "Lost Child" wasn't half as had, for he only strayed in the
+      gutter,
+  While this dreadful Maze is enough to craze; and _my_ feeling of lostness
+      is utter.
+  Oh, my poor feet! This is worse than Crete, and old Hampton Court isn't
+      in it.
+  Oh stop, _do_ stop! for I feel I shall drop if I don't sit down half a
+      minute.
+
+  I really thought you knew the way out--which I own _I_'m unable to guess,
+      Sir--
+  And now 'twould appear you are far from clear, and are puzzled "more or
+      less," Sir.
+  The paths are really so twirly-whirly, the hedges so jimble-jumbled;
+  It must be hundreds and hundreds of miles along which we have staggered
+      and stumbled.
+  I thought you _were_ a cool card. Mister BALFOUR, and did know your way
+      about. Sir,
+  But what I should like to know at present is, when we are like to get
+      out, Sir.
+  How LABBY will laugh at the Labyrinth-maker, who gets lost in his own
+      Great Maze, Sir!
+  Don't say, Sir, pray, that you've lost _your_ way,--you, whom people so
+      cosset and praise Sir.
+  You won't be hurried, and you can't be flurried, and you're always as
+      cool as a cucumber.
+  Can a little 'un like me, your own child, don't you see, such a smart
+      pioneer as are _you_ cumber?
+  You, the modern Theseus? Where's your Ariadne? Oh, I know you are cool,
+      and clever.
+  Yet I feel a doubt. When _shall_ we get out?--which I _can't_ go on
+      wandering for ever!
+
+_Mazemaster loquitur_:--
+
+  Poor little man! Yes, I _had_ a plan, and a perfectly plain one, too, boy;
+  But--I fear--for a moment--I've--lost the clue! Ah! I'm awfully sorry for
+      _you_ boy!
+  You have been on your feet for a precious long time, and all this
+      roundaboutation,
+  _Is_ "_plusquam_-Thucydidean," perhaps, and at any rate mean aggravation.
+  But you'll please understand I'm a very "cool hand;" there's abundance of
+      "humour" about me,
+  And though for a jiffy I _seem_ at a loss, don't you come for to go for to
+      doubt me.
+
+  'Tis most complicated, this Miz-Maze! I've stated the clue I've let slip
+      for a moment,
+  And LABBY, no doubt, and his henchmen, will shout and indulge in invidious
+      comment:
+  The _Times_, too, may gird, and declare 'tis absurd not to know _one's own
+      Labyrinth_ better.
+  The _Times_ is my friend, but a trifle too fond of the goad and the scourge
+      and the fetter;
+  You really can't rule the whole civilised world with the aid of the whip
+      and the closure;
+  Though I _should_ enjoy--but no matter, my boy, let us try to maintain our
+      composure!
+  _When shall we get out?_ That's a matter of doubt, cross-hedges my pathway
+      still chequer,
+  The clue I've let slip, but you just take my tip; we'll get clear--if you
+      keep up your pecker!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE FOR THIRTY-FIVE SHILLINGS.
+
+There is a singular directness of purpose in the following
+advertisement which appears in the _Daily News_:--
+
+    REPORTER (27), now on Weekly, WANTS CHANGE. 35s.
+
+The advertiser not only wants change, but he mentions the exact sum.
+It seems odd. One often wants change for a sovereign, and even oftener
+wants the sovereign itself. But what precise coin a man hands you when
+he wants thirty-five shillings change is not quite clear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN A MAZE.
+
+MASTER LAND BILL. "OH, MR. BALFOUR, I'M _SO_ TIRED!"
+
+MR. B. "CHEER UP, LITTLE MAN! NEXT TURN TO THE RIGHT,--AND I HOPE WE SHALL BE
+OUT OF IT!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dealer's Man_ (_confidentially_). "NICE 'OSS, SIR.
+JUST SUIT _YOU_, SIR. NICE PERMISCUOUS 'OSS, SIR!--_YOU CAN SIT ON HIM
+A'MOST ANYWHERE!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+_Billsbury, May 5_.--Received the following letter from TOLLAND
+yesterday:--
+
+45, _Main Street, Billsbury, May 3._
+
+DEAR MR. PATTLE,
+
+A committee Meeting of our Council has been summoned for the day after
+to-morrow (May 5) at eight o'clock P.M., at the Beaconsfield Club, to
+consider some important questions affecting your Candidature and the
+plan of campaign to be adopted in prosecuting it. I trust that you may
+be able to make it convenient to attend, and shall be glad to receive
+a wire from you to this effect. I may mention to you that I have
+lately heard, in confidence, that Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's health is
+causing considerable anxiety to the Radical leaders here. He has
+attended very few divisions lately, and has offended many of the
+advanced section by his conduct over the Strike Subvention Bill, which
+was backed by the Labour Members. Sir THOMAS, however, abstained from
+the division on the Second Reading. It is just possible that, under
+the circumstances, he may decide to apply for the Chiltern Hundreds
+very shortly, and we must be prepared for every emergency.
+
+Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND.
+
+It was a confounded nuisance. I had arranged to take the BELLAMYS to
+the Scandinavian Exhibition this afternoon, and to dine and go to the
+theatre with the JACKSONS. Had to put off everything. MARY BELLAMY
+will be dreadfully annoyed. Wrote specially to her to apologise and
+explain. They're sure to get that beast POMFRET to take them instead.
+He's always hanging round. Last week he wrote a lot of verse in MARY's
+Confession Album, in this style (I copied some of it out, in order to
+show it to VULLIAMY, who hates him):--
+
+  Though, when he's asked his favourite name, a man is apt to stare, he
+  _Must_ answer, if he knows what's what, "My favourite name is MARY."
+
+And this:--
+
+  The vice I detest and abhor above all
+  Is not dancing four _times_ with _you_ at a ball.
+
+And this, in answer to the question, "What or who would you rather be,
+if you were not yourself?"--
+
+  I'd rather be the rosebud that nestles in your hair,
+  Or the aunt whose hand you took in yours and pressed upon the stair.
+
+They all admired this slip-slop immensely, and MARY asked me, when
+I called the other day, if I didn't think it wonderfully clever. I
+know, when I wrote my answers in her album, it took me days of thought
+to get them done in prose, and even then they turned out the most
+ordinary, commonplace things. However I thought they pleased MARY,
+and now POMFRET steps in with his confounded rhymes. Mrs. BELLAMY's
+father once published a volume of verse, and is still talked of in the
+household as "your grandfather the poet." She told me that she thought
+"a faculty for versification was the mark of a truly refined and
+delicate mind." Bah! POMFRET's one of the most selfish and calculating
+ruffians outside a convict prison, and always haggles over his
+luncheon bills at the Club, till the head-waiter and all the rest
+nearly go off their heads.
+
+However, I had to come to Billsbury, nilly-willy. Met the Committee
+after dinner. They were anxious that I should do some canvassing soon,
+and wanted me, when next I spoke, to explain myself more fully (1) on
+the Temperance Question and the question of Compensation to Publicans;
+(2) on the Women's Suffrage Question; (3) on the Labour Question;
+(4) on Foreign Policy; and (5) with reference to the Billsbury Main
+Drainage Scheme. I said I would, but I should probably require more
+than one speech to do it in. Afterwards a very solemn member of the
+Committee, whose name I forget, got up and made a long speech, in
+which he observed that my habit of appearing in dress clothes at
+the meetings had annoyed a good many of my supporters, and that
+he ventured to suggest to me, for my own good, that I should wear
+ordinary dress. It seems a good many of the lower lot thought it
+looked uppish. I'm glad enough not to have to do it any more. There
+were other points, but I'm too tired to remember them. By the way, I
+have subscribed to about a dozen more Clubs and Institutions, and have
+promised to get Mother to open a bazaar here at the end of the month.
+Back to London to-morrow. What a life!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST "LABOR PROGRAM."
+
+(_BY A NEW-UNIONIST._)
+
+  I am all for myself, and 'tis perfectly true
+  That the "labor" I love is regardless of "u."
+  But, _per contra_, informing my "program" you see
+  Though I wink (with two I's), I eliminate "me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS.
+
+(_By Our Own Instantaneous Photographer_.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A LOCK.--A WHITSUNTIDE WARBLE.
+
+  "_Lock! Lock!_"--Shock! Rock! That's a pretty frock bulging over the
+      gunwale!
+  She looks like to choke with that horrible smoke, which is fuming out
+      of the Steam-Launch funnel.
+  Pleasant old cry! All in, and dry. though we're awfully crowded this
+      first Spring holiday,
+  Better this than St. Stephen's dead-lock! Our serious Senators out
+      for a jolly day
+  Might do worse. Who carries the purse? That ten-foot rod with the
+      toll-net ending it
+  Means a hint. They must make "a mint"; and, by Jove, there are many
+      worse ways of spending it,--
+  Money, I mean. Now were G-SCH-N seen collecting cash for his dry
+      Exchequer
+  With pole and net, it were nicer, you bet, than keeping up his
+      financial pecker
+  With Spirit Duties! Those two blonde beauties in Cambridge blue are
+      exceeding bonny;
+  B-LF-R now at that same boat's bow would be quite in his element--eh,
+      my sonny?
+  And OLD MORALITY cooling his legs in the stern-sheets yonder would
+      find the steering
+  Easier far than amidst the jar of St. Stephen's, hot with T-M H-LY
+      jeering.
+  S-L-SB-RY, too, with a well-trained crew, would put his back--that
+      broad back of his!--in it.
+  Don't be in a hurry, my nautical friend! we shall all get out in
+      another minute.
+  Just like life! Such fidgety strife to be first to the front when the
+      lock-gates sever.
+  What does it matter, friends, after all? The slow, the skilful, the
+      dull, the clever,
+  The snake-swift "swell" and the splashing 'ARRY, the puffing launch,
+      and the trim outrigger,
+  The calm canoest who hugs the timbers, the fussy punter who toils
+      like a nigger,
+  All will anon be well out in the cutting, the old gates shutting
+      slowly behind them,
+  And where are those who so shoved to the front? At the tail of the
+      race you may presently find them.
+  The G.O.M. (with his collars for sails), that jaunty skiff might be
+      handling. Bless us!
+  Can he take holiday, he whom toil seems to encoil like a shirt of
+      Nessus?
+  Well, Union_ist_ or Separat_ist_, or chap with a twist like
+      C-NN-NGH-M GR-H-M,
+  Or howling PAT, or Aristo_crat_ with manners like BRUMMEL and voice
+      like BRAHAM,
+  Peppery G-SCH-N, or pompous H-RC-RT, or genial SM-TH, the new-made
+      Warden,
+  All, all, to-day, when the world is gay, the stream like silver, the
+      banks a garden,
+  _Much_ worse might do than tog up in blue and join a crew on the
+      rolling river,
+  "Beyond the tide," dropping all their "side," party or personal,
+      leaving "liver,"
+  And Influenza, and other "Obstructions," all party-jobbers, all
+      jibbers and jolters,
+  In sunny weather to crowd together in Moulsey Lock, or it might be
+      BOULTER's!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY.
+
+_Young Lady_. "AND NOW, JANE, WHAT'S THE _NEXT_ THING TO DO, AFTER
+PUTTING THE MEAT AND POTATOES IN THE STEWPAN?"
+
+_Village Girl_. "PLEASE, MISS, WASH THE BABY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_The Kennel, Barks, Friday, May 15_.--This entry in Diary is dated
+from my ancestral home, pleasantly situated in the County I have the
+honour to represent. Haven't been to Westminster this week. Hear,
+through usual channels of information, that House adjourns to-day
+for Whitsun Recess. When I say House, I mean fragment that remains;
+a few doors and chimneys, with here and there a ruined wing. Fact
+is, majority absent with influenza. Some seventy or eighty of us
+have formed House of our own; meet regularly at usual hour; get
+through business in a way that would astonish the residuum left at
+Westminster; and jog off comfortably for dinner. All Parties and all
+sections of Party represented. SPEAKER and Chairman of Committees
+still stick to Westminster. But we have GORST, one of the
+Deputy-Speakers, who presides with dignity and despatch. JACKSON
+looks after arrangement of business. AKERS-DOUGLAS whips up the
+Conservatives, assisted by SYDNEY HERBERT and ARTHUR HILL. THOMAS
+ESMONDE brings up to the scratch TANNER, SWIFT MACNEILL, and PIERCE
+MAHONY. On Treasury Bench MICHAEL BEACH sits in place of OLD MORALITY,
+being supported by GEORGIE HAMILTON, STUART WORTLEY, and JAMES
+FERGUSSON, whilst KNUTSFORD and DERBY look down from Peers' Gallery.
+On Front Opposition Bench Mr. G., just arrived; finds JOHN MORLEY,
+OSBORNE AP MORGAN, KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH, and MUNDELLA. WOLMER not yet
+arrived, but daily expected. Meanwhile JOHN LUBBOCK, MUNTZ, T.W.
+RUSSELL, and the Wiwacious WIGGIN here, ready to obey the Whip, when
+issued.
+
+CHARLES FORSTER, looks after petitions for us; FRANK LOCKWOOD draws us
+out (or in, as the case may be); ALGERNON BORTHWICK throws an air of
+fashionable society around us; the Reverberating COLOMB lifts his tall
+head in our midst; ISAAC HOLDEN never tires of telling the fascinating
+story of how he discovered the lucifer-match; HENNIKER HEATON
+passes the time writing letters to RAIKES, and complains that the
+Postmaster-General has his communications ostentatiously fumigated
+before opening them; SEYMOUR KEAY says he must get back to Westminster
+(nobody says him nay), or Land Bill would be getting passed through
+Committee; and here is the Grand Young GARDNER _and_ his wife--Lady
+WINIFRED, of course, looking down on us from Ladies' Gallery.
+
+Have on the whole a very good time. Looked after by RUSTEM ROOSE,
+whose cure is as alluring as it is infallible. "Eat, drink and sleep,"
+he says. "Lie on your back and sedulously do nothing." So whilst they
+storm and fret at Westminster, here, in hollow Lotos Land we live and
+lie reclining. Pleasant to hear RUSTEM ROOSE's voice as he goes his
+morning rounds, stethoscope in hand. "A long breath, dear friend: say
+'74; Pommery, certainly if you like; a pint at luncheon and a roast
+chicken. Turn over, dear friend; another long breath; say '80; de
+Lanson, of course, if you prefer it; a pint at dinner with a fried
+sole and a porterhouse steak; or, if you are tired of champagne, take
+a pint of claret with a glass or two of port. A long breath, dear
+friend; say '50; three glasses if '50 port won't do you any harm."
+
+Worst of it is we're all getting better, and shall be back to the
+grind at Westminster after Whitsuntide. _Business done_.--All taking
+long breaths.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DIS-ORDER OF THE DAY.--In the House of Commons on the Motion of
+the First Lord of the Treasury, it was resolved that Influenza, M.P.,
+be expelled. Mr. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, Leader of the Opposition, _pro
+tem._, moved to amend the Resolution by adding "at once." This was
+agreed to _nem. con._ The Serjeant-at-Arms was thereupon ordered to
+remove Influenza. He declined on the ground that if he did he might
+catch it. After some conversation the debate was adjourned. Influenza
+left sitting on Members generally.--_Extract from the Fifteenth of
+May's Parliamentary Report_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!
+
+(_BY A PERPLEXED READER OF THE PENNY PAPERS._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  When you're lying awake, with a horrid headache (to adopt a suggestion
+      of GILBERT's),
+  When too freely you've dined, or too heavily wined, or munched too many
+      walnuts or filberts;
+  When your brain is a maze, and creation a haze, then each queer social
+      craze--there are many!--
+  Gets your wits in a spool, and there isn't a fool for your thoughts
+      would advance you a penny.
+
+  You can't sleep a wink, so the question of Drink, though you timidly
+      shrink from it, harries you.
+  Your wit's in a whirl, as you think, if some girl with a _penchant_ for
+      you, ups and marries you.
+  And ties you for life to the thing called a Wife,--that figment, that
+      fraud, that illusion,
+  Where, _what_ will you be? And you can't find a key to the epoch's
+      chaotic confusion.
+  It seems Local Option is sure of adoption, and what a tyrannic majority
+  May "opt" for one day, you're unable to say, and in vain you appeal to
+      Authority.
+  The Law of the Land is a labyrinth grand, which you can't understand,
+      nor can anyone,
+  And _that_ is a thought, with delirium fraught, an appalling, if 'tis
+      not a penny one.
+
+  Now Law, the Old Antic, seems utterly frantic, absurdly romantic and
+      maundering;
+  And Cool Common Sense has gone dotty and dense, in dim deserts of
+      Sentiment wandering.
+  Now Reason and Right, hydrocephalous quite, are both Della-Cruscan and
+      drivelling,
+  Life (barring the fun) like "The Mulberry One," seems a mixture of
+      diddling and snivelling.
+  There's LAWSON who jaws on the Abstinence Cause on, and would lay his
+      claws on the Nation,
+  And put sudden stopper on all that's improper (as _he_ thinks) without
+      compensation;
+  And then there's Sir EDWARD, who, when he goes bedward, must have _his_
+      reflections nightmarish!
+  It seems, from such rigs, that our biggest Big Wigs are scarcest to
+      govern a parish.
+  MCDOUGALL again, is agog to restrain all that gives _his_ soul pain--it's
+      a squeamish one!--
+  He thinks he's a stayer as Jabberwock-slayer, mere Angry Boy he, _not_ a
+      Beamish One!
+  These Oracles windy do raise such a shindy, and kick such a doose of a
+      dust up,
+  One would think without _them_ we were wrong stern and stem, and the whole
+      of creation would bust up.
+  But verily why men should _new_ worship Hymen,--who, just as unshackled as
+      Cupid,--
+  (See decision _Re_ JACKSON), take burdens their backs on, I can_not_
+      conceive. It seems stupid
+  Beyond all expression to have a "possession" whose "ownness" there's
+      desperate doubt of,
+  And which (if she's _nous_) you can't keep _in_ your house, nor yet (if
+      she's "savvy") keep _out_ of!
+  What _is_ "Hymen's halter"? I fidget and falter! The Beaks seem to palter
+      and fumble.
+  In such a strange fashion, I fly in a passion, and vow that the world is a
+      jumble.
+  Law seems a wigged noodle, as tame as a poodle, the whole darned caboodle
+      (as 'ARRY sees)
+  Is ructions and "rot," and our "rulers" a lot of confounded old foodles
+      and Pharisees!
+  Yes, that's what _I_ think about Marriage and Drink--if you may call it
+      thought, which with frenzy is fraught, and gives me a "head" like bad
+      whiskey; whose dread is on me day and night, makes me wake in a fright,
+      from visions most solemn of column on column of such "printed matter"
+      and paragraph chatter, as makes me feel flatter than cold eggless batter
+      upon a lead platter--as mad as a hatter, and who will relieve me? Can anyone?
+  I tell you it's dreadful to face a whole bedful of spectres and spooks (born
+      of papers and books) with, most horrible looks, limbs contorted in crooks,
+      and bat-wings with big hooks, which haunt all the nooks of tester and
+      curtain, and which, I am certain, will drive me insane if _some_ one can't
+      explain where the mischief we are, 'midst the jumble and jar of factions
+      and fads, of crotchets and cads, of Tolstois and Jeunes, and Ibsens (whose
+      lunes are more lunatic still). Oh, I'd learn with a will from any or aught,
+      who could bring me, fresh caught, with lucidity fraught (what so long I have
+      sought) a Clear Comforting Thought--though a Penny One!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_IN RE_ THE INFLUENZA.
+
+(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL NOTE ON THE APPEARANCE OF THE EPIDEMIC IN THE
+LAW COURTS._)
+
+[Illustration: Catching.]
+
+Owing to recent sentimental legislation, many members of the learned
+profession, to which I have the honour to belong, have found
+their practice becoming (to quote the poet) "small by degrees and
+beautifully less." Times were when I could scarcely pass a week in
+term time without appearing in Court holding a consent brief, or armed
+with authority to move (unopposed) for the appointment of a receiver.
+But that was long ago--a deep contrast with to-day--when my admirable
+and excellent Clerk PORTINGTON, finds an hour a day ample, almost too
+ample, time for posting up to date my Fee Book. However, occasionally
+a gleam of the old sunshine illumines, so to speak, the chambers I
+occupy, and such a gleam was my retention for the Defence in the
+cause of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_. It was a Patent Case, and one of
+the deepest possible interest. It is my good fortune to know the
+Defendant, personally, and it was through his kind offices that the
+instructions to appear for him were left at my chambers. My friend
+and client (who is unjustly said to be eccentric in his habits) has
+recently patented and produced a most important invention, which
+greatly facilitates the retention of dinner-napkins, after those
+useful, nay, necessary articles have been used for the purpose for
+which they are manufactured. Like all really valuable inventions, the
+patent is simplicity itself, the napkin-ring consisting of the section
+of the thicker end of an elephant's tusk cut to an appropriate size
+and hollowed out. It is necessary to fold the dinner-napkin in such a
+fashion that, when inserted through the ring, its shape is retained
+by the adherent properties inseparable from the ivory. The patent can
+also be produced in other materials, such as gold, silver and jewels
+for the wealthy, and in bone, tin and even glass for purchasers of
+smaller means. I must say that when the ring was shown to me I was
+greatly struck with the cleverness and simplicity of the idea, and
+could not understand how Mr. QUICKSILVER could have allowed himself to
+be so badly advised as to bring an action for infringement, merely on
+the strength of _his_ patent being also a dinner-napkin-holder with
+the ring element so far introduced that it consisted of a circle
+closed and opened by a hinge. However, it was no part of my duty
+to advise the other side, so I set to work to get up my case (as I
+invariably do) _con amore_. I hunted up all the causes in the Digest,
+that seemed to be on all-fours with the matter in dispute, and spent
+days in the Public Library of the Patent Office searching for patents
+having to do with table-napkins. As the specifications were not
+consecutively published, I had to wade through a large number of these
+interesting documents that treated of other subjects. For instance,
+the first specification I would take out of the box in which it was
+kept, would perhaps have to do with house-raising without disturbance
+to the foundations, the second would prove to be an article half
+umbrella, half revolver, while in the third I would perhaps find an
+extremely quaint notion for a portable pocket corkscrew. I myself
+picked up many ideas for future use, and hope some day, if I do
+nothing else, at least to perfect a clever little contrivance of
+my own for arousing the inmates of a house invaded by burglars
+by casement concussions. I propose calling this valuable little
+instrument (which is founded to some extent on the simple construction
+by which the figures in a child's box of wooden soldiers are enabled
+to advance and retire in a scissors-like fashion), when produced, the
+Policeman's Upper Floor Window Tapper.
+
+The day for the hearing at length arrived, and, armed with a mass of
+carefully selected information, I was in my seat ready to defend the
+originality of the Nore Napkin Ring, so to speak, to the death. In my
+notes before me I had the skeleton of a really fine oration, which I
+felt (if I mastered my normal nervousness) would bristle with epigram,
+and thrill with heartfelt, brain-inspired eloquence. So deeply
+interested was I in the matter, that I scarcely listened to my
+friend's opening, and only became aware of what was happening in
+Court by the rising of the Judge. Suddenly his Lordship bowed,
+and disappeared. I looked at the clock--it was only noon--and,
+consequently, an hour and thirty minutes in advance of the time
+usually selected for the mid-day adjournment. And then, to my dismay,
+I found that his Lordship was suffering from the influenza! Well,
+there was nothing to do but to collect my papers, and, assisted
+by PORTINGTON, return to my chambers. The next day my head ached
+violently, and I could not move. Then I have a recollection
+of dictating to my wife long telegrams to PORTINGTON, which I
+subsequently discovered were neither despatched nor delivered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When I awoke, I found that the matter of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_ had
+been arranged and settled--out of Court!
+
+_Pump-handle Court._ (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, May 23, 1891, by Various
+
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