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diff --git a/old/13352-8.txt b/old/13352-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..957b516 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13352-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1590 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, +May 23, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 23, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 2, 2004 [EBook #13352] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +May 23, 1891. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION, BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. IV.--THE WILD DUCK. + +ACT I. + + _At WERLE's house. In front a richly-upholstered study. + (R.) a green-baize door leading to WERLE's office. At back, + open folding doors, revealing an elegant dining-room, in + which a brilliant Norwegian dinner-party is going on. Hired + Waiters in profusion. A glass is tapped with a knife. Shouts + of "Bravo!" Old Mr. WERLE is heard making a long speech, + proposing--according to the custom of Norwegian society on + such occasions--the health of his Housekeeper, Mrs. SÖRBY. + Presently several short-sighted, flabby, and thin-haired + Chamberlains, enter from the dining-room, with HIALMAR + EKDAL, who writhes shyly under their remarks._ + +_A Chamberlain_. As we are the sole surviving specimens of Norwegian +nobility, suppose we sustain our reputation as aristocratic sparklers +by enlarging upon the enormous amount we have eaten, and chaffing +HIALMAR EKDAL, the friend of our host's son, for being a professional +Photographer? + +[Illustration: "Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!"] + +_The other Chamberlains_. Bravo! We will. + + [_They do; delight of HIALMAR. Old WERLE comes in, leaning + on his Housekeeper's arm, followed by his son, GREGERS + WERLE._ + +_Old Werle_ (_dejectedly_). Thirteen at table! (_To_ GREGERS, _with +a meaning glance at_ HIALMAR.) This is the result of inviting an old +College friend who has turned Photographer! Wasting vintage wines on +_him_, indeed! + + [_He passes on gloomily._ + +_Hialmar_ (_to Gregers_). I am almost sorry I came. Your old min is +_not_ friendly. Yet he set me up as a Photographer fifteen years ago. +_Now_ he takes me down! But for him, I should never have married GINA, +who, you may remember, was a servant in your family once. + +_Gregers_. What? my old College friend married fifteen years ago--and +to our GINA, of all people! If I had not been up at the works all +these years, I suppose I should have heard something of such an event. +But my father never mentioned it. Odd! + + [_He ponders; Old EKDAL comes out through the green-baize + door, bowing, and begging pardon, carrying copying work. Old + WERLE says "Ugh" and "Puh" involuntarily. HIALMAR shrinks + back, and looks another way. A Chamberlain asks him + pleasantly if he knows that old man._ + +_Hialmar_. I--oh no. Not in the least. No relation! + +_Gregers_ (_shocked_). What, HIALMAR, you, with your great soul, deny +your own father! + +_Hialmar_ (_vehemently_). Of course--what else _can_ a Photographer +do with a disreputable old parent, who has been in a Penitentiary +for making a fraudulent map? I shall leave this splendid banquet. The +Chamberlains are not kind to me, and I feel the crushing hand of fate +on my head! [_Goes out hastily, feeling it._ + +_Mrs. Sörby_ (_archly_). Any Nobleman here say "Cold Punch"? + + [_Every Nobleman says "Cold Punch," and follows her out in + search of it with enthusiasm. GREGERS approaches his father, + who wishes he would go._ + +_Gregers_. Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you. I am +nothing if not candid. Old EKDAL was your partner once, and it's my +firm belief you deserved a prison quite as much as he did. However, +you surely need not have married our GINA to my old friend HIALMAR. +You know very well she was no better than she should have been! + +_Old Werle_. True--but then no more is Mrs. SÖRBY. And _I_ am going to +marry _her_--if you have no objection, that is. + +_Gregers_. None in the world! How can I object to a stepmother who +is playing Blind Man's Buff at the present moment with the Norwegian +nobility? I am not so overstrained as all that. But really I can_not_ +allow my old friend HIALMAR, with his great, confiding, childlike +mind, to remain in contented ignorance of GINA's past. No, I see my +mission in life at last! I shall take my hat, and inform him that his +home is built upon a lie. He will be _so_ much obliged to me! [_Takes +his hat, and goes out._ + +_Old Werle_. Ha!--I am a wealthy merchant, of dubious morals, and I +am about to marry my housekeeper, who is on intimate terms with the +Norwegian aristocracy. I have a son who loathes me, and who is either +an Ibsenian satire on the Master's own ideals, or else an utterly +impossible prig--I don't know or care which. Altogether, I flatter +myself my household affords an accurate and realistic picture of +Scandinavian Society! + +ACT II. + + _HIALMAR EKDAL's Photographic Studio. Cameras, neck-rests, + and other instruments of torture lying about. GINA EKDAL and + HEDWIG, her daughter, aged 14, and wearing spectacles, + discovered sitting up for HIALMAR._ + +_Hedvig_. Grandpapa is in his room with a bottle of brandy and a jug +of hot water, doing some fresh copying work. Father is in society, +dining out. He promised he would bring me home something nice! + +_Hialmar_ (_coming in, in evening dress_). And he has not forgotten +his promise, my child. Behold! (_he presents her with the menu card; +HEDVIG gulps down her tears_; HIALMAR _notices her disappointment, +with annoyance._) And this all the gratitude I get! After dining out +and coming home in a dress-coat and boots, which are disgracefully +tight! Well, well, just to show you how hurt I am, I won't have any +_beer_ now! What a selfish brute I am! (_Relenting._) You may bring +me just a little drop. (_He bursts into tears._) I will play you a +plaintive Bohemian dance on my flute. (_He does._) No beer at such a +sacred moment as this! (_He drinks._) Ha, this is real domestic bliss! + + [_GREGERS WERLE comes in, in a countrified suit._ + +_Gregers_. I have left my father's home--dinner-party and all--for +ever. I am coming to lodge with you. + +_Hialmar_ (_still melancholy_). Have some bread and butter. You won't? +then I _will_. I want it, after your father's lavish hospitality. +(_HEDVIG goes to fetch bread and butter._) My daughter--a poor +shortsighted little thing--but mine own. + +_Gregers_. My father has had to take to strong glasses, too--he +can hardly see after dinner. (_To Old EKDAL, who stumbles in very +drunk._) How can you, Lieutenant EKDAL, who were such a keen sportsman +once, live in this poky little hole? + +_Old Ekdal_. I am a sportsman still. The only difference is that once +I shot bears in a forest, and now I pot tame rabbits in a garret. +Quite as amusing--and safer. + + [_He goes to sleep on a sofa._ + +_Hialmar_ (_with pride_). It is quite true. You shall see. + + [_He pushes back sliding doors, and reveals a garret full of + rabbits and poultry--moonlight effect. HEDVIG returns with + bread and butter._ + +_Hedvig_ (_to GREGERS_). If you stand just there, you get the best +view of our Wild Duck. We are very proud of her, because she gives the +play its title, you know, and has to be brought into the dialogue a +good deal. Your father, peppered her out shooting, and we saved her +life. + +_Hialmar_. Yes, GREGERS, our estate is not large--but still we +preserve, you see. And my poor old father and I sometimes get a day's +gunning in the garret. He shoots with a pistol, which my illiterate +wife here _will_ call a "pigstol." He once, when he got into trouble, +pointed it at himself. But the descendant of two lieutenant-colonels +who had never quailed before living rabbit yet, faltered then. He +_didn't_ shoot. Then I put it to my own head. But at the decisive +moment, I won the victory over myself. I remained in life. Now we +only shoot rabbits and fowls with it. After all I am very happy and +contented as I am. [_He eats some bread and butter._ + +_Gregers_. But you ought _not_ to be. You have a good deal of the +Wild Duck about you. So have your wife and daughter. You are living +in marsh vapours. To-morrow I will take you out for a walk and explain +what I mean. It is my mission in life. Good night! [_He goes out._ + +_Gina and Hedwig_. What _was_ the gentleman talking about, Father? + +_Hialmar_ (_eating bread and butter_). He has been dining, you know. +No matter--what _we_ have to do now, is to put my disreputable old +whitehaired pariah of a parent to bed. + + [_He and GINA lift old ECCLES--we mean old EKDAL--up by the + legs and arms, and take him off to led as the Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +COCKNEY MOTTO FOR A FEEBLE CRICKETER.--"Take 'Art of GRACE!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL. +(_See opposite page._)] + + * * * * * + +KEY TO THE PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE. + +_Arms_.--Quarterly: 1. A female figure habited in white robes reaching +to the ankles, with Arms elevated, all quite proper, for _Grace_. 2. +A wildman or ratepayer rampant, for _Thrift_. 3. A bend (or bar) +sinister on a chart vert, for _Bloomsbury_. 4. Three demi-councillors, +wings elevated, regardant an empty seat, for _Vacancy_. + +_Crest_.--On a beadle's hat erased, a new broom. + +_Supporters_.--Dexter, a Paul Pry regardant, grasping an eyeglass +sinister. Sinister, a Stiggins. Both gorged. + +_Motto_.--"_Ubi nunc sumus?_" + + * * * * * + +FAMILIARITY BREEDS RESPECT. + +(_A PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A WOULD-BE BUT COULDN'T-BE DUELLIST._) + +_Monday_.--Arrived on the ground ready to fight my opponent to the +death. We had just measured the ground, when an agent of Police +appeared upon the scene, and we had to decamp hurriedly. Duel +postponed till to-morrow. + +_Tuesday_.--New spot chosen. Pistols this time instead of rapiers. +Just as we were about to fire, appearance of the agents of the law. +Postponement again absolutely necessary. + +_Wednesday_.--Once more ready to meet. Both of us rather amused at +the precautions we have to take to prevent interruption. Opponent +obligingly suggested a new and suitable spot for the settlement of +our little differences. Found it to be a most excellent selection, +but before we could fight, once more interrupted. Both of us greatly +annoyed, and arranged to meet to-morrow. + +_Thursday_.--Amused to find myself first in the field--my opponent +five minutes late. Both of us had come before the seconds, and so +spent the time in a pleasant little chat, and cigarettes. My opponent +not half a bad fellow when you come to know him. Just as he was in the +middle of a most amusing story, our seconds arrived--with the Police! +Postponement once more imperative. + +_Friday_.--Opponent turned up first, and, at my request, completed +his yesterday's story--one of the best I have ever heard. Most amusing +chap--should have liked to have heard another, when, finding ourselves +uninterrupted, we thought we had better seize the opportunity to +settle our affair of honour. Our customary luck! Seemingly had just +time to kill one another, when enter the Police! Programme as before. + +_Saturday_.--Met again. Really quite pleased to have made the +acquaintance of such a nice fellow as my opponent. Full of fun and +anecdote. On comparing notes, we found that we had entirely forgotten +what on earth we had quarrelled about. So shook hands and arranged +that if we fired at anyone, our target should be the Police. + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR THE CART-HORSE PARADE SOCIETY. + + All who love English horses, and back English Trade, + Should welcome the annual "Cart-Horse Parade." + No function of Fashion on Racecourse or Row + Should "fetch" our equestrian enthusiast so. + First-rate English horses in holiday guise! + A sight that to please a true Britisher's eyes. + And then the Society--surely _that_ will be + Supported by Britons. Ask good WALTER GILBEY + (Cambridge House, Regent's Park). He will tell you no doubt + What the C.-H.P.S. have, some time, been about. + Fancy prizes to Carmen for care of their horses! + That charms a horse-lover. To plump the resources + Of such a Society--by their support + In subscriptions--all friends of the horse and of sport + Should surely be eager; so, horse-lovers willing, + Despatch the gold pound plus the odd silver shilling! + + * * * * * + +HISTORY AND ART.--Doubts have been thrown on the genuineness of the +story about St. ELIZABETH of Hungary as illustrated by Mr. CALDERON's +well-known and striking picture in this year's Academy. Mr. CALDERON +affirms, according to the best of his high lights, that he has simply +portrayed the naked truth. So far, in a certain sense, the Court is +with him. Still, historians are neither unbiassed nor infallible, and +painters are inclined to sacrifice much for effect. For our part, +we should be inclined to refer the situation, which this picture +illustrates, to some incident in the life of the celebrated Miss +ELIZABETH MARTIN, generally known as "BETTY MARTIN." The legend may +be found in some work by that voluminous writer _Finis_, or by the +oft-quoted _Ibid_, under the quaint heading, _Historia Mei et Beati +Martini_. + + * * * * * + +THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.) + +[Illustration: No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on +the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget.] + +[Illustration: No. 259. "A Select Committee." H. Stacy Marks, R.A.] + +No. 278. "_The Fleecy Charge_." A title that suggests an attempt at +extortion, but is here applied to _A picture in wool-work_ by the +veteran, T. SYDNEY COOPER, R.A. Of course whatever the artist may ask +for it, it will always be "sheep at the price." + +No. 388. "_Writing a Message to St. Helena_." Hope St. Helena received +it. Probably forwarded by a winged messenger as suggested by the name +of the artist, which is EYRE CROWE, A. + +No. 519. "_Gorse_." By DAVID MURRAY. Good? Why certainly, as a matter +of gorse. + +No. 697. Rather mixed subject, being "_Eventide_" by KNIGHT. + +No. 1161. "_A Maiden Fair_." By G.A. STOREY, A. Never heard of such a +thing as "a Maiden Fair," except in Oriental countries. She seems to +be having all the fun of the Fair to herself. This concludes a series +of Storeys in four numbers, 356, 704, 1043 and 1161, making up his +"Tale." "And now my STOREY's done," that is, for this Season. + +SCULPTURE. + +No. 1962. "_Triumph_" of ADRIAN JONES. It is so. Quite a triumph. The +SMITHS, BROWNS and ROBINSONS nowhere compared with A. JONES. + +No. 2001. "_H.M. Stanley--bust._" Is he? Poor STANLEY! It is to be +hoped that the EMIN-ent explorer will forgive the sculptor, who is +C.B. BIRCH, A. Fancy the indomitable STANLEY never yet beaten, but +BIRCH'd at last! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XVIII.--MARIAN MUFFET: A ROMANCE OF BLACKMORE. + +(_BY_ R.D. EXMOOR, _AUTHOR OF "BORN A SPOON;" "PADDOCK ROWEL;" "WIT +AND WITTY;" "TIPS FOR MARRIERS;" "SCARE A FAWN;" "'BRELLAS FOR RAIN," +&C., &C., &C._) + + ["This," writes Mr. EXMOOR, "is another of my simple tales. + Yet I send it forth into the world thinking that haply there + may be some, and they not of the baser sort, who reading + therein as the humour takes them, may draw from it nurture + for their minds. For truly it is in the nature of fruit-trees, + whereof, without undue vaunting, I may claim to know somewhat, + that the birds of the air, the tits, the wrens, ay, even unto + the saucy little sparrows, whose firm spirit in warfare hath + ever been one of my chiefest marvels, should gather in the + branches seeking for provender. So in books, and herein too + I have some small knowledge, those that are of the ripest + sort are ever the first to be devoured. And if the public + be pleased, how shall he that made the book feel aught but + gratitude. Therefore I let it go, not being blind in truth + to the faults thereof, but with humble confidence too in much + compensating merit."] + +CHAPTER I. + +[Illustration] + +Fate, that makes sport alike of peasants and of kings, turning the +one to honour and a high seat, and making the other to lie low in the +estimation of men, though haply (as 'tis said in our parish) he think +no small beer of himself, hath seemingly ordained that I, THOMAS +TIDDLER, should set down in order some doings wherein I had a share. +And herein I make no show of learning, being but an undoctrined farmer +and not skilled in the tricks of style, as the word is in these parts, +but trusting simply to strength and honesty (whereof, God knows, +there is but little beyond the limits of our farm), and to that breezy +carriage of the pen which favoureth a plain man treading sturdily the +winding paths and rough places of his native tongue. Notwithstanding +I take no small encouragement from this, that whereas of those that +have made to my knowledge the bravest boasting and the loudest puffing +(though of this I am loth to speak, never having had a stomach for +the work), the writings often perish neglectfully and nothing said, +some, writing afar in quiet places removed from the busy rabblement +of towns, not seldom steer their course to fame and riches, whereof, +thanks be to Heaven, I never yet had covetousness, deeming theirs the +happier lot to whom a dry crust with haply a slice of our good country +cheese and a draught of the foaming cider bring contentment. Each to +his own fashion, say I, and the fashion of the TIDDLERS hath always +been in a manner plain and unvarnished, like to the large oak press +wherein mother stores her Sunday gown and other woman's finery such +as the mind of man, being at best but a coarse week-day creature, hath +never fairly conceived. But lo! I am tarrying on my way, losing myself +in a maze of cheap fancies, while the reader perchance yawns and +stretches his limbs as though for bed. All I know is paper and ink are +cheaper than when I began to write. + +CHAPTER II. + +Now it fell on a Summer morning, I being then but newly come home +from the Farmers' College, in the ancient town of Cambridge, that our +whole household was gathered together in our parlour. Mother sat by +the head of the great table, ladling out a savoury mess of porridge, +not rashly, as the custom of some is, but carefully, like a prudent +housewife, guarding her own. And by her side sat MOLLY and BETTY, her +daughters, and next to them the maids, and they that pertained to the +work of the house. First came old POLLY THISTLEDEW, gaunt of face, and +parched of skin, the wrinkles running athwart her face, and over her +hooked nose, like to the rivers drawn with much labour of meandering +pen in the schoolboys' maps, though for such my marks were always low, +I being better skilled in the giving of raps with the closed fist than +in the making of maps with inky fingers--a bootless toil, as it always +hath seemed to me. Next to her sat SALLY, the little milkmaid, casting +coy glances at mother, who would have none of them, but with undue +sternness, as I thought then, and still think, tossed them back to the +shame-faced SALLY. Lower down sat JOHN TOOKER, "GIRT JAN DOUBLEFACE" +he was ever called, not without a sly hint of increasing obesity, +for JOHN, though a mighty man of thews and sinews, was no small +trencherman, and, as the phrase is, did himself right royally whenever +porridge was in question. All these sat, peaceably swallowing, while +I, at the table's foot, faced mother, stirring my steaming bowl with +my forefinger, forgetting the heat thereof, but not daring to wince, +lest BETTY, whose tongue cut shrewdly when she had a mind, should make +sport of me. + +CHAPTER III. + +Although I had, for the most part, so very stout an appetite that my +bowl stood always first for the refilling, I had no desire for my food +that day, but idly sat and stirred, and the burden of my thoughts wore +deeply inward with the dwelling of my mind on this view and on that of +it. But, on a sudden, what a turmoil, what a rising of maids, what a +jumping on chairs, what a drawing up of gowns, and what a scurrying! +For, out of a corner, comes the great brown rat, gliding sedately, +and never so much as asking by your leave or with your leave. Then +mother's old tom-cat, _Trouncer_, slowly rising, stretches his limbs, +and bares his claws, making ready for what is to come, but not, +me-thinks, with much alacrity for the conflict, for rats have teeth, +as _Trouncer_ knows--ay, and can use them to much purpose. Therefore +_Trouncer_, making belief to be brave, as is the custom both of +cats and of others that walk on two legs, and have thumbs to their +fore-paws, gathers himself to the spring, but springs not. Then comes +GIRT JAN's terrier, _Rouser_, at last--where hath the terrier been +tarrying? Terriers should not tarry--and, with scant ceremony, leaps +upon _Trouncer_. Cuff, cuff, go the claws. _Trouncer_ swears roundly. +Nay, _Trouncer_, 'tis a coward's part to fly beneath the chair. +To him, good _Rouser_, to him, my man. But _Rouser_ hath forgot +the claw-bearer, though his bleeding nose for many a day shall +remember. _Rouser_ hath the rat in view. Round the parlour they go, +helter-skelter, _Rouser_ on the tracks of the life-desiring rat, while +the maids upon the chairs show ankles, in proof of terror, until, lo! +he hath him pinned fast, never more to stir, or clean his whiskers in +rat-land. + +And then all come down, and JAN boasts loudly how he all but trod him +flat, ay, and could have done so had rat not fled in terror of his +boot; and _Trouncer_ returns, smugly purring, and mother rates the +blushing maids. + +And I to the fields, having work to do, but liking not the doing. + +CHAPTER IV. + +Now I with _Rouser_ at my heels went manfully on my way. Gaily I went +over the parched brown wastes where lately the flood had lain heavy +upon the land, past the whispering copses of fir and beech and oak +that top the upland, through the yellowing corn that stands waving +golden promise in the valley, till I came to where the land bends +suddenly with a sharp turn from the eastward whence a pearly brook, +now swollen to a roaring torrent, babbles bravely over the stones. +Sudden I stopped as though a palsy had gripped me, though of the +TIDDLERS, as is well known, none hath ever suffered of a palsy, they +being for the most part a lusty race, and apt for enduring moisture +both within and without. Never till my dying day shall I forget the +sight that met my eyes. For there seated upon a tuffet, her beautiful +blue eyes fixed in horror and despair, her jug of curds and whey +scarce tasted, was my MARIAN, while beside her, lolling at ease with +the slothful stretch of his great limbs, and the flames as of Tophet +in his fierce eyes sat SPIDER, the great black-haired giant SPIDER +that would make a feast of her. + +I know not how I ran, nor what mighty strength was in my limbs, but +in a moment I was with them, and his hairy throat was in my clutch. +Quickly he turned upon me and fain had freed himself. Our breast-bones +cracked in the conflict, his arms wound round and round me, and a +hideous gleam of triumph was in his face. Thrice he had me off my +feet, but at the fourth close I swayed him to the right, and then with +one last heave I flung him on his back, and had the end of it, leaving +him dead and flattened where he lay. + +CHAPTER V. + +Then gently I bore my MARIAN home, and mother greeted her fondly, +saying, "Miss MUFFET, I presume?" which pleased me, thinking it only +right that mother should use ceremony with my love. But she, poor +darling, lay quiet and pale, scarce knowing her own happiness or the +issue of the fight. For 'tis the way of women ever to faint if the +occasion serve and a man's arms be there to prop them. And often +in the warm summer-time, when the little lads and lasses gather to +the plucking of buttercups and daisies, likening them gleefully to +the gold and silver of a rich man's coffers, my darling, now grown +matronly, sitteth on the tuffet in their midst, and telleth the tale +of giant SPIDER and his fate.--[THE END.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +One of our "Co."--and the Baron may observe that, when "Co." is +written it is not an abbreviation of "Coves"--has been reading _Sir +George_ (BENTLEY), a Novel, which Mrs. HENNIKER has the courage to put +forth in one volume. At the outset, the writing is a little slipshod. +Mrs. HENNIKER has, moreover, a wild passion for the conjunction. When +she can't summon another "which," she sticks in a "that." On one page +appears the following startling announcement--"The March winds this +year were unusually biting, and her nervous guardian would therefore +[why therefore?] never allow her to walk out without a respirator, +till they blew no longer from the East." We assume that, as soon as +respirators blew from the West, this injunction would be withdrawn. +But, as Mrs. HENNIKER, gets forward in her story, the style improves, +"which's" disappear as they did in _Macbeth's_ time, and the tale +is told in simple strenuous language. _Uncle George_ is a character +finely conceived, and admirably drawn. + +The Baron returns thanks to the publisher, W. HEINEMANN, for sending +a volume of DE QUINCEY's _Posthumorous Works_. A small dose of +them, taken occasionally the last thing at night, may be confidently +recommended to admirers of _The Opium Eater_, and will probably be +found of considerable value to some who hitherto may have been the +victims of _insomnia_. Highly recommended by the Faculty. + +(_Signed._) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +EVENINGS FROM HOME. + +At the Court Theatre, _Le Feu Toupinel_, adapted for the English +stage as _The Late Lamented_, is decidedly funny, that is, if you can +once get over the idea that all its humour depends upon the immoral +vagaries of an elderly scoundrel, an habitual criminal, who has +departed this life in the odour of respectability, without his +immoralities ever having been discovered. Had he been found out during +his lifetime, he would have been tried for bigamy, convicted, and +punished accordingly. This piece has been adapted from the French for +the English stage; but, query, is it adapted to an English audience? +That's the point. The run must decide. If the best possible acting can +carry it along, then that it has got; for, though Mrs. JOHN WOOD has +frequently had better chances, yet she has never worked harder, and +never has she more deserved the laughter she excites. The same may be +said of Mr. STANDING and Miss FILLIPPI, and also of Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, +whose make-up is perfect, especially the dressing and colouring of +his hair, which is an artistic triumph. Mr. GILBERT FARQUHAR's _Mr. +Fawcett_, the Solicitor, contributes much to the fun of the scenes in +which he appears with Mrs. JOHN WOOD; and Mr. CAPE, as _Parker_, the +Confidential Servant, is excellent. There's plenty of "go" in it, but +will it "stay"? + +Great attraction at the Lyceum! _The Corsican Brothers_ and _Nance +Oldfield_! ELLEN TERRY as _Nance_ is delightful. Chorus, Gentlemen, +if you please, "_For_--all our fancy, Dwells upon Nancy!" Our ELLEN +is charming in this, so natural and so theatrical: herself as _Nance_, +and then as _Mrs. Oldfield_, the actress, in the characters that +_Nance_ assumes. For 'tis ELLEN playing _Nancy_, and _Nancy_ again +playing Tragedy and Comedy. It is an old piece revived: there never +was so old a piece, for there are only four characters in it, and +they're all Old. There are two _Oldfields_ and two _Oldworthys_. +Mr. WENMAN as _Oldfield Senior_, or the Old Obadiah, is a trifle too +blusterous, but on the other hand, I am not prepared to say that a +country attorney of that period wouldn't be uncouth and blusterous. +His son _Alexander_, the Young Obadiah, is prettily played by Mr. +GORDON CRAIG, who is a trifle too windmilly with his hands and arms; +but in the whole play nothing becomes him so well as the pathos of his +broken-hearted exit. He was touching and going. Henceforth, this young +actor may justly describe himself as of the "Touch-and-go" school, and +be, like "the livin' skeleton" mentioned by _Sam Weller_, "proud o' +the title." Miss KATE PHILLIPS as _Anne's_ sister--though, as Mr. +J.L. T-LE observed, as she is younger than _Anne_, she cannot well be +her Anne-sister--is as bright and lively as need be, considering her +menial position, which is rather odd in her sister's house. Visit +Mistress NANCE TERRY; you'll find her very much "at home" in the part. +After which _The Corsican Brothers_ revived, Ghost and all. + +[Illustration: The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the +Lyceum.] + +When some years ago the Irvingesque version of it was produced, the +twin who lived in Corsica, Brother _Fabien_, used to behave in the +wildest Corsican way. Who that saw it some years ago does not remember +how he used to chuck his gun up in the air, when it caught on to a +hook in the wall! with what gusto he used to light a tiny cigarette +from an enormous flaming brand snatched from the burning wood fire on +the hearth! and how badly the starving guest from Paris fared in the +Corsican household where he hadn't a chance against the appetite of +Master _Fabien_, who, after a hard day's sport, came in ready for +anything, and ate everything! It was the only occasion when this +fearless son of destiny ever "bolted." But, my! how the food used to +disappear! what a short time the supper occupied, and how very much +third best the poor stranger came off under the hospitable roof of +the _Dei Franchis_. Even now the supper is a brief one, but justice +is done to it, _and_ to the weary traveller. Never was such an unhappy +tourist! He comes to a house in the wilds of Corsica; he is choke-full +of Parisian gossip, he has a lot to say of course, but he never gets +a chance, as _Fabien_ tells him family stories one after the other, as +if he hadn't had such an opportunity or so good a listener for ever +so long. Then, when on the entrance of his mother _Fabien_ breaks off +in the middle of one of his many anecdotes, which evidently can't be +told before ladies, the Parisian gent, who now sees something like +an opening for some light Boulevardian chit-chat, is presented with a +flat candlestick and bowed off to bed, without being allowed a word to +say for himself. All this is just the same as ever; there have been +no alterations nor repairs; the piece is as curiously old-fashioned +as are the exquisitely correct costumes; while the Masked Ball at +the Opera and the Duel in the snow are as effective as ever, and the +latter, if anything, more so. They make a first-rate fight of it, do +Messrs. _Irving dei Franchi_ and _M. Terriss de Château Renaud_, until +the latter collapses, and "subsequent proceedings interested him no +more." As long as the strong right arm of the Corsican Brother can +draw a good and shining rapier, he will draw as good and brilliant +a house as he did on the first night of this revival. Why ought this +piece to go well in the first theatre in Ireland? Why? because it's a +great play for Doublin'. _Exeunt omnes._ + + * * * * * + +THE EPIDEMIC.--Up to now Members of Parliament have been generally +considered as "influential personages." This year many M.P.'s will be +remembered as "very influenzial personages." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING, +BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)! + +_Daughter of the House_. "TELL ME, PROFESSOR BORAX, HOW DID YOU LIKE +THE LADY MAMMA GAVE YOU TO TAKE IN TO DINNER?" + +_The Professor_ (_innocently_). "MY DEAR GIRL, SHE'S SIMPLY THE MOST +CHARMING WOMAN I EVER MET! _I NEVER TALKED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!_"] + + * * * * * + +IN A MAZE. + + "Mr. BALFOUR brought up a new sub-section, which he admitted + was so obscure that he only 'more or less' understood it + himself, and which, indeed, is of '_plusquam_-Thucydidean' + dimness and involution.... There is no excuse, we must say, + for the muddle into which the Government has got over the + Bill.... The House of Commons has adjourned for a short + holiday, but the Irish Land Purchase Bill is not yet through + Committee.... There still remained all the new clauses, for + which no time had been found."--_Times_. + +_Little Bill loquitur_:-- + + Oh do, if you please, Mr. BALFOUR, Sir, if you _can_,--and who can if you + can't, Sir?-- + Get me out of this Maze, where for days and days I have strayed till I'm + all of a pant, Sir. + Twelve months ago we started, you know, and I've been on my feet ever + since, Sir. + And oh, if you please, I feel weak at the knees, and the pains in my back + make me wince, Sir. + Mister HOOD's "Lost Child" wasn't half as had, for he only strayed in the + gutter, + While this dreadful Maze is enough to craze; and _my_ feeling of lostness + is utter. + Oh, my poor feet! This is worse than Crete, and old Hampton Court isn't + in it. + Oh stop, _do_ stop! for I feel I shall drop if I don't sit down half a + minute. + + I really thought you knew the way out--which I own _I_'m unable to guess, + Sir-- + And now 'twould appear you are far from clear, and are puzzled "more or + less," Sir. + The paths are really so twirly-whirly, the hedges so jimble-jumbled; + It must be hundreds and hundreds of miles along which we have staggered + and stumbled. + I thought you _were_ a cool card. Mister BALFOUR, and did know your way + about. Sir, + But what I should like to know at present is, when we are like to get + out, Sir. + How LABBY will laugh at the Labyrinth-maker, who gets lost in his own + Great Maze, Sir! + Don't say, Sir, pray, that you've lost _your_ way,--you, whom people so + cosset and praise Sir. + You won't be hurried, and you can't be flurried, and you're always as + cool as a cucumber. + Can a little 'un like me, your own child, don't you see, such a smart + pioneer as are _you_ cumber? + You, the modern Theseus? Where's your Ariadne? Oh, I know you are cool, + and clever. + Yet I feel a doubt. When _shall_ we get out?--which I _can't_ go on + wandering for ever! + +_Mazemaster loquitur_:-- + + Poor little man! Yes, I _had_ a plan, and a perfectly plain one, too, boy; + But--I fear--for a moment--I've--lost the clue! Ah! I'm awfully sorry for + _you_ boy! + You have been on your feet for a precious long time, and all this + roundaboutation, + _Is_ "_plusquam_-Thucydidean," perhaps, and at any rate mean aggravation. + But you'll please understand I'm a very "cool hand;" there's abundance of + "humour" about me, + And though for a jiffy I _seem_ at a loss, don't you come for to go for to + doubt me. + + 'Tis most complicated, this Miz-Maze! I've stated the clue I've let slip + for a moment, + And LABBY, no doubt, and his henchmen, will shout and indulge in invidious + comment: + The _Times_, too, may gird, and declare 'tis absurd not to know _one's own + Labyrinth_ better. + The _Times_ is my friend, but a trifle too fond of the goad and the scourge + and the fetter; + You really can't rule the whole civilised world with the aid of the whip + and the closure; + Though I _should_ enjoy--but no matter, my boy, let us try to maintain our + composure! + _When shall we get out?_ That's a matter of doubt, cross-hedges my pathway + still chequer, + The clue I've let slip, but you just take my tip; we'll get clear--if you + keep up your pecker! + + * * * * * + +CHANGE FOR THIRTY-FIVE SHILLINGS. + +There is a singular directness of purpose in the following +advertisement which appears in the _Daily News_:-- + + REPORTER (27), now on Weekly, WANTS CHANGE. 35s. + +The advertiser not only wants change, but he mentions the exact sum. +It seems odd. One often wants change for a sovereign, and even oftener +wants the sovereign itself. But what precise coin a man hands you when +he wants thirty-five shillings change is not quite clear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN A MAZE. + +MASTER LAND BILL. "OH, MR. BALFOUR, I'M _SO_ TIRED!" + +MR. B. "CHEER UP, LITTLE MAN! NEXT TURN TO THE RIGHT,--AND I HOPE WE SHALL BE +OUT OF IT!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dealer's Man_ (_confidentially_). "NICE 'OSS, SIR. +JUST SUIT _YOU_, SIR. NICE PERMISCUOUS 'OSS, SIR!--_YOU CAN SIT ON HIM +A'MOST ANYWHERE!_"] + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, May 5_.--Received the following letter from TOLLAND +yesterday:-- + +45, _Main Street, Billsbury, May 3._ + +DEAR MR. PATTLE, + +A committee Meeting of our Council has been summoned for the day after +to-morrow (May 5) at eight o'clock P.M., at the Beaconsfield Club, to +consider some important questions affecting your Candidature and the +plan of campaign to be adopted in prosecuting it. I trust that you may +be able to make it convenient to attend, and shall be glad to receive +a wire from you to this effect. I may mention to you that I have +lately heard, in confidence, that Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's health is +causing considerable anxiety to the Radical leaders here. He has +attended very few divisions lately, and has offended many of the +advanced section by his conduct over the Strike Subvention Bill, which +was backed by the Labour Members. Sir THOMAS, however, abstained from +the division on the Second Reading. It is just possible that, under +the circumstances, he may decide to apply for the Chiltern Hundreds +very shortly, and we must be prepared for every emergency. + +Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND. + +It was a confounded nuisance. I had arranged to take the BELLAMYS to +the Scandinavian Exhibition this afternoon, and to dine and go to the +theatre with the JACKSONS. Had to put off everything. MARY BELLAMY +will be dreadfully annoyed. Wrote specially to her to apologise and +explain. They're sure to get that beast POMFRET to take them instead. +He's always hanging round. Last week he wrote a lot of verse in MARY's +Confession Album, in this style (I copied some of it out, in order to +show it to VULLIAMY, who hates him):-- + + Though, when he's asked his favourite name, a man is apt to stare, he + _Must_ answer, if he knows what's what, "My favourite name is MARY." + +And this:-- + + The vice I detest and abhor above all + Is not dancing four _times_ with _you_ at a ball. + +And this, in answer to the question, "What or who would you rather be, +if you were not yourself?"-- + + I'd rather be the rosebud that nestles in your hair, + Or the aunt whose hand you took in yours and pressed upon the stair. + +They all admired this slip-slop immensely, and MARY asked me, when +I called the other day, if I didn't think it wonderfully clever. I +know, when I wrote my answers in her album, it took me days of thought +to get them done in prose, and even then they turned out the most +ordinary, commonplace things. However I thought they pleased MARY, +and now POMFRET steps in with his confounded rhymes. Mrs. BELLAMY's +father once published a volume of verse, and is still talked of in the +household as "your grandfather the poet." She told me that she thought +"a faculty for versification was the mark of a truly refined and +delicate mind." Bah! POMFRET's one of the most selfish and calculating +ruffians outside a convict prison, and always haggles over his +luncheon bills at the Club, till the head-waiter and all the rest +nearly go off their heads. + +However, I had to come to Billsbury, nilly-willy. Met the Committee +after dinner. They were anxious that I should do some canvassing soon, +and wanted me, when next I spoke, to explain myself more fully (1) on +the Temperance Question and the question of Compensation to Publicans; +(2) on the Women's Suffrage Question; (3) on the Labour Question; +(4) on Foreign Policy; and (5) with reference to the Billsbury Main +Drainage Scheme. I said I would, but I should probably require more +than one speech to do it in. Afterwards a very solemn member of the +Committee, whose name I forget, got up and made a long speech, in +which he observed that my habit of appearing in dress clothes at +the meetings had annoyed a good many of my supporters, and that +he ventured to suggest to me, for my own good, that I should wear +ordinary dress. It seems a good many of the lower lot thought it +looked uppish. I'm glad enough not to have to do it any more. There +were other points, but I'm too tired to remember them. By the way, I +have subscribed to about a dozen more Clubs and Institutions, and have +promised to get Mother to open a bazaar here at the end of the month. +Back to London to-morrow. What a life! + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST "LABOR PROGRAM." + +(_BY A NEW-UNIONIST._) + + I am all for myself, and 'tis perfectly true + That the "labor" I love is regardless of "u." + But, _per contra_, informing my "program" you see + Though I wink (with two I's), I eliminate "me." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS. + +(_By Our Own Instantaneous Photographer_.)] + + * * * * * + +IN A LOCK.--A WHITSUNTIDE WARBLE. + + "_Lock! Lock!_"--Shock! Rock! That's a pretty frock bulging over the + gunwale! + She looks like to choke with that horrible smoke, which is fuming out + of the Steam-Launch funnel. + Pleasant old cry! All in, and dry. though we're awfully crowded this + first Spring holiday, + Better this than St. Stephen's dead-lock! Our serious Senators out + for a jolly day + Might do worse. Who carries the purse? That ten-foot rod with the + toll-net ending it + Means a hint. They must make "a mint"; and, by Jove, there are many + worse ways of spending it,-- + Money, I mean. Now were G-SCH-N seen collecting cash for his dry + Exchequer + With pole and net, it were nicer, you bet, than keeping up his + financial pecker + With Spirit Duties! Those two blonde beauties in Cambridge blue are + exceeding bonny; + B-LF-R now at that same boat's bow would be quite in his element--eh, + my sonny? + And OLD MORALITY cooling his legs in the stern-sheets yonder would + find the steering + Easier far than amidst the jar of St. Stephen's, hot with T-M H-LY + jeering. + S-L-SB-RY, too, with a well-trained crew, would put his back--that + broad back of his!--in it. + Don't be in a hurry, my nautical friend! we shall all get out in + another minute. + Just like life! Such fidgety strife to be first to the front when the + lock-gates sever. + What does it matter, friends, after all? The slow, the skilful, the + dull, the clever, + The snake-swift "swell" and the splashing 'ARRY, the puffing launch, + and the trim outrigger, + The calm canoest who hugs the timbers, the fussy punter who toils + like a nigger, + All will anon be well out in the cutting, the old gates shutting + slowly behind them, + And where are those who so shoved to the front? At the tail of the + race you may presently find them. + The G.O.M. (with his collars for sails), that jaunty skiff might be + handling. Bless us! + Can he take holiday, he whom toil seems to encoil like a shirt of + Nessus? + Well, Union_ist_ or Separat_ist_, or chap with a twist like + C-NN-NGH-M GR-H-M, + Or howling PAT, or Aristo_crat_ with manners like BRUMMEL and voice + like BRAHAM, + Peppery G-SCH-N, or pompous H-RC-RT, or genial SM-TH, the new-made + Warden, + All, all, to-day, when the world is gay, the stream like silver, the + banks a garden, + _Much_ worse might do than tog up in blue and join a crew on the + rolling river, + "Beyond the tide," dropping all their "side," party or personal, + leaving "liver," + And Influenza, and other "Obstructions," all party-jobbers, all + jibbers and jolters, + In sunny weather to crowd together in Moulsey Lock, or it might be + BOULTER's! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY. + +_Young Lady_. "AND NOW, JANE, WHAT'S THE _NEXT_ THING TO DO, AFTER +PUTTING THE MEAT AND POTATOES IN THE STEWPAN?" + +_Village Girl_. "PLEASE, MISS, WASH THE BABY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_The Kennel, Barks, Friday, May 15_.--This entry in Diary is dated +from my ancestral home, pleasantly situated in the County I have the +honour to represent. Haven't been to Westminster this week. Hear, +through usual channels of information, that House adjourns to-day +for Whitsun Recess. When I say House, I mean fragment that remains; +a few doors and chimneys, with here and there a ruined wing. Fact +is, majority absent with influenza. Some seventy or eighty of us +have formed House of our own; meet regularly at usual hour; get +through business in a way that would astonish the residuum left at +Westminster; and jog off comfortably for dinner. All Parties and all +sections of Party represented. SPEAKER and Chairman of Committees +still stick to Westminster. But we have GORST, one of the +Deputy-Speakers, who presides with dignity and despatch. JACKSON +looks after arrangement of business. AKERS-DOUGLAS whips up the +Conservatives, assisted by SYDNEY HERBERT and ARTHUR HILL. THOMAS +ESMONDE brings up to the scratch TANNER, SWIFT MACNEILL, and PIERCE +MAHONY. On Treasury Bench MICHAEL BEACH sits in place of OLD MORALITY, +being supported by GEORGIE HAMILTON, STUART WORTLEY, and JAMES +FERGUSSON, whilst KNUTSFORD and DERBY look down from Peers' Gallery. +On Front Opposition Bench Mr. G., just arrived; finds JOHN MORLEY, +OSBORNE AP MORGAN, KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH, and MUNDELLA. WOLMER not yet +arrived, but daily expected. Meanwhile JOHN LUBBOCK, MUNTZ, T.W. +RUSSELL, and the Wiwacious WIGGIN here, ready to obey the Whip, when +issued. + +CHARLES FORSTER, looks after petitions for us; FRANK LOCKWOOD draws us +out (or in, as the case may be); ALGERNON BORTHWICK throws an air of +fashionable society around us; the Reverberating COLOMB lifts his tall +head in our midst; ISAAC HOLDEN never tires of telling the fascinating +story of how he discovered the lucifer-match; HENNIKER HEATON +passes the time writing letters to RAIKES, and complains that the +Postmaster-General has his communications ostentatiously fumigated +before opening them; SEYMOUR KEAY says he must get back to Westminster +(nobody says him nay), or Land Bill would be getting passed through +Committee; and here is the Grand Young GARDNER _and_ his wife--Lady +WINIFRED, of course, looking down on us from Ladies' Gallery. + +Have on the whole a very good time. Looked after by RUSTEM ROOSE, +whose cure is as alluring as it is infallible. "Eat, drink and sleep," +he says. "Lie on your back and sedulously do nothing." So whilst they +storm and fret at Westminster, here, in hollow Lotos Land we live and +lie reclining. Pleasant to hear RUSTEM ROOSE's voice as he goes his +morning rounds, stethoscope in hand. "A long breath, dear friend: say +'74; Pommery, certainly if you like; a pint at luncheon and a roast +chicken. Turn over, dear friend; another long breath; say '80; de +Lanson, of course, if you prefer it; a pint at dinner with a fried +sole and a porterhouse steak; or, if you are tired of champagne, take +a pint of claret with a glass or two of port. A long breath, dear +friend; say '50; three glasses if '50 port won't do you any harm." + +Worst of it is we're all getting better, and shall be back to the +grind at Westminster after Whitsuntide. _Business done_.--All taking +long breaths. + + * * * * * + +THE DIS-ORDER OF THE DAY.--In the House of Commons on the Motion of +the First Lord of the Treasury, it was resolved that Influenza, M.P., +be expelled. Mr. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, Leader of the Opposition, _pro +tem._, moved to amend the Resolution by adding "at once." This was +agreed to _nem. con._ The Serjeant-at-Arms was thereupon ordered to +remove Influenza. He declined on the ground that if he did he might +catch it. After some conversation the debate was adjourned. Influenza +left sitting on Members generally.--_Extract from the Fifteenth of +May's Parliamentary Report_. + + * * * * * + +A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS! + +(_BY A PERPLEXED READER OF THE PENNY PAPERS._) + +[Illustration] + + When you're lying awake, with a horrid headache (to adopt a suggestion + of GILBERT's), + When too freely you've dined, or too heavily wined, or munched too many + walnuts or filberts; + When your brain is a maze, and creation a haze, then each queer social + craze--there are many!-- + Gets your wits in a spool, and there isn't a fool for your thoughts + would advance you a penny. + + You can't sleep a wink, so the question of Drink, though you timidly + shrink from it, harries you. + Your wit's in a whirl, as you think, if some girl with a _penchant_ for + you, ups and marries you. + And ties you for life to the thing called a Wife,--that figment, that + fraud, that illusion, + Where, _what_ will you be? And you can't find a key to the epoch's + chaotic confusion. + It seems Local Option is sure of adoption, and what a tyrannic majority + May "opt" for one day, you're unable to say, and in vain you appeal to + Authority. + The Law of the Land is a labyrinth grand, which you can't understand, + nor can anyone, + And _that_ is a thought, with delirium fraught, an appalling, if 'tis + not a penny one. + + Now Law, the Old Antic, seems utterly frantic, absurdly romantic and + maundering; + And Cool Common Sense has gone dotty and dense, in dim deserts of + Sentiment wandering. + Now Reason and Right, hydrocephalous quite, are both Della-Cruscan and + drivelling, + Life (barring the fun) like "The Mulberry One," seems a mixture of + diddling and snivelling. + There's LAWSON who jaws on the Abstinence Cause on, and would lay his + claws on the Nation, + And put sudden stopper on all that's improper (as _he_ thinks) without + compensation; + And then there's Sir EDWARD, who, when he goes bedward, must have _his_ + reflections nightmarish! + It seems, from such rigs, that our biggest Big Wigs are scarcest to + govern a parish. + MCDOUGALL again, is agog to restrain all that gives _his_ soul pain--it's + a squeamish one!-- + He thinks he's a stayer as Jabberwock-slayer, mere Angry Boy he, _not_ a + Beamish One! + These Oracles windy do raise such a shindy, and kick such a doose of a + dust up, + One would think without _them_ we were wrong stern and stem, and the whole + of creation would bust up. + But verily why men should _new_ worship Hymen,--who, just as unshackled as + Cupid,-- + (See decision _Re_ JACKSON), take burdens their backs on, I can_not_ + conceive. It seems stupid + Beyond all expression to have a "possession" whose "ownness" there's + desperate doubt of, + And which (if she's _nous_) you can't keep _in_ your house, nor yet (if + she's "savvy") keep _out_ of! + What _is_ "Hymen's halter"? I fidget and falter! The Beaks seem to palter + and fumble. + In such a strange fashion, I fly in a passion, and vow that the world is a + jumble. + Law seems a wigged noodle, as tame as a poodle, the whole darned caboodle + (as 'ARRY sees) + Is ructions and "rot," and our "rulers" a lot of confounded old foodles + and Pharisees! + Yes, that's what _I_ think about Marriage and Drink--if you may call it + thought, which with frenzy is fraught, and gives me a "head" like bad + whiskey; whose dread is on me day and night, makes me wake in a fright, + from visions most solemn of column on column of such "printed matter" + and paragraph chatter, as makes me feel flatter than cold eggless batter + upon a lead platter--as mad as a hatter, and who will relieve me? Can anyone? + I tell you it's dreadful to face a whole bedful of spectres and spooks (born + of papers and books) with, most horrible looks, limbs contorted in crooks, + and bat-wings with big hooks, which haunt all the nooks of tester and + curtain, and which, I am certain, will drive me insane if _some_ one can't + explain where the mischief we are, 'midst the jumble and jar of factions + and fads, of crotchets and cads, of Tolstois and Jeunes, and Ibsens (whose + lunes are more lunatic still). Oh, I'd learn with a will from any or aught, + who could bring me, fresh caught, with lucidity fraught (what so long I have + sought) a Clear Comforting Thought--though a Penny One! + + * * * * * + +_IN RE_ THE INFLUENZA. + +(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL NOTE ON THE APPEARANCE OF THE EPIDEMIC IN THE +LAW COURTS._) + +[Illustration: Catching.] + +Owing to recent sentimental legislation, many members of the learned +profession, to which I have the honour to belong, have found +their practice becoming (to quote the poet) "small by degrees and +beautifully less." Times were when I could scarcely pass a week in +term time without appearing in Court holding a consent brief, or armed +with authority to move (unopposed) for the appointment of a receiver. +But that was long ago--a deep contrast with to-day--when my admirable +and excellent Clerk PORTINGTON, finds an hour a day ample, almost too +ample, time for posting up to date my Fee Book. However, occasionally +a gleam of the old sunshine illumines, so to speak, the chambers I +occupy, and such a gleam was my retention for the Defence in the +cause of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_. It was a Patent Case, and one of +the deepest possible interest. It is my good fortune to know the +Defendant, personally, and it was through his kind offices that the +instructions to appear for him were left at my chambers. My friend +and client (who is unjustly said to be eccentric in his habits) has +recently patented and produced a most important invention, which +greatly facilitates the retention of dinner-napkins, after those +useful, nay, necessary articles have been used for the purpose for +which they are manufactured. Like all really valuable inventions, the +patent is simplicity itself, the napkin-ring consisting of the section +of the thicker end of an elephant's tusk cut to an appropriate size +and hollowed out. It is necessary to fold the dinner-napkin in such a +fashion that, when inserted through the ring, its shape is retained +by the adherent properties inseparable from the ivory. The patent can +also be produced in other materials, such as gold, silver and jewels +for the wealthy, and in bone, tin and even glass for purchasers of +smaller means. I must say that when the ring was shown to me I was +greatly struck with the cleverness and simplicity of the idea, and +could not understand how Mr. QUICKSILVER could have allowed himself to +be so badly advised as to bring an action for infringement, merely on +the strength of _his_ patent being also a dinner-napkin-holder with +the ring element so far introduced that it consisted of a circle +closed and opened by a hinge. However, it was no part of my duty +to advise the other side, so I set to work to get up my case (as I +invariably do) _con amore_. I hunted up all the causes in the Digest, +that seemed to be on all-fours with the matter in dispute, and spent +days in the Public Library of the Patent Office searching for patents +having to do with table-napkins. As the specifications were not +consecutively published, I had to wade through a large number of these +interesting documents that treated of other subjects. For instance, +the first specification I would take out of the box in which it was +kept, would perhaps have to do with house-raising without disturbance +to the foundations, the second would prove to be an article half +umbrella, half revolver, while in the third I would perhaps find an +extremely quaint notion for a portable pocket corkscrew. I myself +picked up many ideas for future use, and hope some day, if I do +nothing else, at least to perfect a clever little contrivance of +my own for arousing the inmates of a house invaded by burglars +by casement concussions. I propose calling this valuable little +instrument (which is founded to some extent on the simple construction +by which the figures in a child's box of wooden soldiers are enabled +to advance and retire in a scissors-like fashion), when produced, the +Policeman's Upper Floor Window Tapper. + +The day for the hearing at length arrived, and, armed with a mass of +carefully selected information, I was in my seat ready to defend the +originality of the Nore Napkin Ring, so to speak, to the death. In my +notes before me I had the skeleton of a really fine oration, which I +felt (if I mastered my normal nervousness) would bristle with epigram, +and thrill with heartfelt, brain-inspired eloquence. So deeply +interested was I in the matter, that I scarcely listened to my +friend's opening, and only became aware of what was happening in +Court by the rising of the Judge. Suddenly his Lordship bowed, +and disappeared. I looked at the clock--it was only noon--and, +consequently, an hour and thirty minutes in advance of the time +usually selected for the mid-day adjournment. And then, to my dismay, +I found that his Lordship was suffering from the influenza! Well, +there was nothing to do but to collect my papers, and, assisted +by PORTINGTON, return to my chambers. The next day my head ached +violently, and I could not move. Then I have a recollection +of dictating to my wife long telegrams to PORTINGTON, which I +subsequently discovered were neither despatched nor delivered. + + * * * * * + +When I awoke, I found that the matter of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_ had +been arranged and settled--out of Court! + +_Pump-handle Court._ (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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