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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100,
+May 16, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 16, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 1, 2004 [EBook #13348]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+May 16, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. XVII.--GASPS.
+
+(_BY_ OLPH SCHREION, _AUTHOR OF "SCREAMS," "THE ALLEGORY OF AN ASIAN
+RANCHE._")
+
+    ["You will perceive," writes the Author of the following
+    story, "that this is allegorical, but it is not by any means
+    necessary that you should understand it. The chief charm of
+    allegorical writing is its absolute freedom from the trammels
+    of convention. You write something large and vague, with any
+    amount of symbols thrown in. The words flow quite easily;
+    you cover scores of pages. Then you read it over again next
+    morning. If you understand it so little as to think some other
+    fellow must have written it, you may be quite certain it is
+    an allegory. When you print it, your public reads into it
+    all kinds of mysterious and morbid religious emotions, and
+    confused misinterpretations of life-problems, and everybody
+    tacks on his own special explanation. That being so, it is
+    quite unnecessary for you to explain things--which saves
+    a great deal of trouble. The plan is an excellent one. Try
+    it.--Yours, allegorically, O.S."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+TANT' SANNIE was stewing _kraut_ in the old Dutch saucepan. The
+scorching rays of the African sun were beating down upon BONAPARTE
+BLENKINS who was doing his best to be sun-like by beating WALDO.
+His nose was red and disagreeable. He was something like HUCKLEBERRY
+FINN's Dauphin, an amusing, callous, cruel rogue, but less
+resourceful. TANT' SANNIE laughed; it was so pleasant to see a German
+boy beaten black and blue. But the Hottentot servants merely gaped. It
+was their custom.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But in the middle distance Life was playing marbles with the Unknown.
+And the Unknown said unto Life, "Give me an alley-tor." But Life
+replied, "Nay, for the commoneys are lying well, and the thumb of
+him that aimeth is seasoned unto the stroke." And the Unknown beat
+his sable wings together, and one black feather flitted far into the
+breast of the day and fell to earth. And there came a fair-haired
+Child plucking flowers in the desert with brows bent in thought.
+
+And Life said unto the Child, "Play with me."
+
+And the Unknown said, "Play with me."
+
+But the Child raised its soft hand slowly and the tender fingers grew
+apart, and its thumb was poised in thought upon its nose, and it spake
+not at all. And the feather flitted far, far over the waste, and men
+came forth and gazed upon it, but it heeded them not.
+
+Then said Life, "I am strong. Kings have need of me and earth is
+my dominion." But the Unknown gathered up the scattered marbles,
+concealing them gently, and answered only this--"I am a greater than
+Life."
+
+And the Child strayed onwards and the feather flitted, and TANT'
+SANNIE still stewed _kraut_ in the old Dutch saucepan. And BONAPARTE
+BLENKINS was glad.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+Cruelty, cruelty, cruelty--all is cruelty! Boys are beaten; oxen
+are stabbed till the blood bursts forth; happy, industrious,
+dung-collecting beetles are bitten in two by careless, happy,
+beetle-collecting dogs--everything is wicked and cruel. The Kaffir
+has beautiful legs, but he will kick his wife, and TANT' SANNIE,
+alas! will not be there to drop a pickle-tub on his head. And over
+everything hangs that inscrutable charm which hovers for ever for the
+human intellect over the incomprehensible and shadowy. _Omne ignotum
+pro mirifico_, I might say, but I prefer the longer phrase.
+
+And I stood at the gate of Heaven, I and TANT' SANNIE; and we spoke
+to everybody quite affably; and they all had time to listen to what we
+said, and to make suitable replies.
+
+And I said, "Are we all here?"
+
+And she said, "Not all."
+
+And I said, "The absent are always in the wrong."
+
+And she said, "I have heard that in French."
+
+And I said, "Is not that impertinent?"
+
+And she said, "No."
+
+And a great Light fell across her face, as though a palm had smitten
+it, and the name of the palm was Hand, and its fruits were fingers
+five.
+
+And again I addressed myself in terms of familiarity to the
+Ever-lasting, and I planted a book upon the clouds, where eight
+children lay prone with bees flying about their childish bonnets.
+
+And there came a knock at my door.
+
+"Eight o'clock!" said One. "Arise!"
+
+"Nay," I answered; "it cannot be."
+
+"But the water is hot within the can, and the table will be spread for
+them that break their fast."
+
+"So be it. I rise." And behold it was a dream!
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+Far away the mother of the little nigger stood churning. Where is
+the mother of the little black nigger? She is churning slowly in the
+garden. But cannot the aunt of the good gardener churn herself? No;
+for she is in the orchard, plucking the apples, peaches, apricots,
+pears (_Birnen_), to give to the butler's grandmother.
+
+And there came Life and The Ideal walking hand in hand. And behind
+them came Wealth and Vastness singing together. And Infinity was
+there, and Health, and Wisdom, and Love. And Reflection was mounted
+on a steed with Joy. And many other shapes followed, delicately
+arrayed in fine linen. And helmet-wearing Men in Blue marshalled the
+procession. And they spake roughly, saying, "Pass away there, pass
+away there!"
+
+And I said, "Is this the Lord Mayor's Show?"
+
+And One said, "No."
+
+And I said, "Is it the Salvation Army?"
+
+And again One said, "No."
+
+And I said, "Is it SEQUAH?"
+
+And One said again. "No."
+
+And I said, "I have guessed enough."
+
+And One said, "Yes."
+
+But The Real was not there, and they passed away.
+
+And One said, "I am Wealth," which was absurd, but No-one laughed. And
+they all danced a fandango on the points of their toes. And a shaft of
+light lay over them. And they wandered on. At last they came to a bad,
+wicked naughty, brimstone place. And I said to Some-one, "I like this.
+It seems a good place." And still No-one laughed. And Wealth touched
+me, and I was glad. And I said, "Give me millions, or buy a box of
+matches," and Law seized me and took me to the Cell. Then I said to
+the Beak, "Your Worship." And the Beak said unto me, "Begging again.
+Forty shillings." And again I woke. And it was all a striving and a
+striving and an ending in Nothing.
+
+THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MLLE. JANE MAY.
+
+  "Au clair de la lune,
+  Mon ami PIERROT,
+  Prête-moi ta plume
+  Pour écrire un mot."
+
+  _Prête-moi ta plume!_ Could wit borrow a feather
+  From Cupid's own pinion, 'tis doubtfullish whether
+  A "_mot_" might be made which should happily hit
+  The "gold" of desert; and Love, aided by Wit,
+  Though equal to eloquent passion's fine glow,
+  Might both be struck mute by the Muse of Dumb-Show.
+  That "actions speak louder than words" we all knew;
+  But now we may add, "and more gracefully, too."
+  _Performances_ fine _Punch_ has praised in his day,
+  But how few take the _pas_ of the _Promise_--of MAY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NATIVE RACES AND THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC."--An important subject strangely
+omitted at the recent meeting of this Society was "The Consumption of
+Champagne on the Derby and Oaks Days." The Duke of WESTMINSTER will
+take the earliest opportunity of rectifying this error.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BLEND.
+
+_The Wine Merchant_ (G-SCH-N). "I'M AFRAID SOME OF OUR OLD CUSTOMERS
+WON'T LIKE IT AT FIRST; BUT, WITH A LITTLE PERSUASION, I THINK I CAN
+GET 'EM TO TAKE TO IT KINDLY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOKIM THE CELLARER; OR, THE BLEND.
+
+AIR.--"_SIMON THE CELLARER_."
+
+  'Cute JOKIM the Cellarer keeps a large store
+    Of choice Party Spirits, d'ye see;
+  Scotch, Irish, and who can say how many more?
+    An eclectic old soul is he.
+  But mainly in "Blends" he is good, dark or pale,
+  For he knows without them his best bottlings may fail;
+  But he never faileth, he archly doth say,
+  For he well knows what tap suits the taste of the day.
+      And ho! ho! ho! his books will show
+      He oft taps the barrels of Brummagem JOE!
+
+  JOE sits all the time in his own still-room,
+    And a taster clever is he.
+  'Tis in vain that his enemies kick up a fume.
+    And swear he is half a Torie.
+  But there are sly meetings upon the backstair.
+  And watchers say JOE is oft gossiping there.
+  Now JOE distrusts someone who's Grand, and who's Old,
+  And says that he _must_ be kept "out in the cold."
+      And ho! ho! ho! old JOKIM doth know
+      That many a flask of his best comes from JOE.
+
+  'Cute JOKIM keeps blending JOE's taps and his own;
+    Though knowing harsh rumours are rife;
+  And Brummagem JOE is oft heard to declare,
+    Their partnership _may_ last for life.
+  And JOKIM says, "some call Brum JOE a bad chap,
+  But they'll soon learn to relish the taste of his tap,
+  And while I may Brummagem JOE call my friend,
+  I _think_ I shall customers find for our 'Blend.'"
+      While ho! ho! ho! he'll chuckle and crow;
+      "What, turn up Brum JOE, my boys? No! no! no!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Monday, May 4_.--ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN's _Carmen_ is about the best when
+all the other dear charmers are away, and in the character she will
+probably remain in possession of the field, or, rather, "the Garden,"
+till the end of the season. The remainder as before, with DEVOYOD
+as _Escamillo_. But what has become of the "go" in the _Toréador's_
+great song? Where are the double _encores_? Where, indeed, the hearty
+applause? Surely it has gone the way of the March in _Faust_, once
+so enthusiastically received and cheered to the echo; and now--"March
+off!" It is true that, once let a "tuney tune" become vulgarised by
+street-musicians, and organic disease would be sufficient to kill it
+were it not tortured and ground to death by remorseless hands. But
+the _Toréador's_ song and the March have not been the victims of an
+organised opposition. Perhaps, though, they may have been, only 'tis
+so long ago as not to be within the ken of the present deponent.
+Anyhow, the _Toréador's_ song goes for nothing nowadays, and yet 'tis
+as good as ever.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Thursday_.--We welcomed _The Don_. Not the Academic Don once so
+popularly represented by Mr. J.L. TOOLE, but MOZART's Italianised
+Spanish Don. _À propos_ of Mr. TOOLE, it has always been the wonder of
+his friends, to whom the quality of his vocal powers is so well known,
+that he has never been tempted to renounce the simple histrionic for
+the lyric Drama. It is said, and "greatly to his credit," that, had
+it not been for his unwillingness to rob his friend SIMS REEVES of the
+laurel-crown he wears as first English Tenor of his age, he would long
+ago have set up a most dangerous opposition to that sweet singer, and
+have ridden off victoriously with "_My Pretty Jane_" seated up behind
+him, pillion-wise, on the noble steed known as "_The Bay of Biscay
+O!_"
+
+But the above is an _entr'acte_, shorter than those at Covent Garden,
+by the way. M. MAUREL first-rate as the _Don_, both in acting and
+singing, even better in former than latter; but the dear old serenade,
+which never can be vulgarised, in spite of its popularity, was
+encored, and the encore was gracefully accepted, Signor BEVIGNANI
+being in the chair, and willing to tap the desk and announce,
+"Gentlemen! Monsieur MAUREL will oblige again!" Applause.
+
+If all the village maidens could dress in a costume such as Miss
+ZÉLIE-ZERLINA wears, then, to take the best and nicest view of it,
+that village must be uncommonly prosperous. Probably tourists' visits
+are not few and far between: but anyhow, even the most unsuspicious
+bumpkin of a lover, would be inclined to ask a few questions about
+this finery. However, her performance was as fine as the dress, and
+she looked quite the ZÉLIE-ZERLINA, so fascinating to the Lord and the
+Lout.
+
+_Saturday_.--_Roméo et Juliette_, that is, M. JEAN DE RESZKÉ and Mlle.
+EAMES. A nearly perfect performance. JEAN a trifle too stout for an
+ideal _Romeo_, but of course he couldn't go into training for the
+part at short notice. The spirit with which he played the part far
+outweighed the error of the flesh. Miss EAMES a charming _Juliet_
+in every way, though her singing of the waltz was not of dazzling
+firework brilliancy. Brother NED was the _Frère Laurent_. Excellent.
+The name Anglo-Frenchified, suggests a reverend gentleman who would
+meddle with legal marriages and perform private ceremonies without
+leave or licence from his Ordinary, and might be known as Brother
+Law-wrong, an Extra-Ordinary Friar. The House crammed full with an
+audience as brilliant as the performance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS.
+
+_Son of the House_. "YOU'RE NOT DANCING, MR. LAMBERT! DON'T YOU WISH
+TO?"
+
+_Mr. Lambert_ (_who is not so slim as he used to be_). "CERTAINLY--IF
+YOU CAN FIND ME A _CONCAVE PARTNER_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST SONG.
+
+    [Mr. SIMS REEVES was announced to sing "_Total Eclipse_" at
+    his Farewell Concert on Monday.]
+
+  Farewell! A most unwelcome word to all
+  Whom fifty years of charm have held in thrall:
+  Total eclipse--of pleasure on their part
+  Who love pure melody and polished Art.
+  Memory will echo long the silvery chime
+  Of such a voice as even ruthless Time
+  Might stay his stride to listen to, and spare
+  From the corroding touch. Some scarce will care
+  To hear "_Tom Bowling_" sung by other lips,
+  And when in tenor strains "_Total Eclipse_"
+  Sounds next upon our ears, SIMS REEVES will seem
+  To sing again to us as in a pleasant dream.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. McEwan.]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, May 4_.--Windbag SEXTON had fine
+opportunity to-night; made the most of it. SEYMOUR KEAY absent through
+greater part of sitting. Various rumours current in explanation of the
+happy accident. Influenza hinted at; but Grand Young GARDNER, who is
+familiar with both, says _Grippe_ much too knowing to link itself with
+Member for Elgin and Nairn. Towards Eleven o'Clock, rumour set at rest
+by appearance of KEAY. Simple explanation of temporary absence is,
+that he has been at home, drawing up a few more Amendments.
+
+In his absence. Windbag had it all to himself. How many speeches he
+has made through the dreary sitting am afraid to reckon up. Members
+going off to write letters, smoke a cigar, read evening papers, or
+dine, leave him on his legs, with one hand in pocket, and smile of
+serene satisfaction on face, prosing on. Coming back, they find him
+still in same position, apparently saying same thing. Has lately
+developed new oratorical charm. Constantly repeats his sentences, word
+for word. Everybody cleared out, even Mr. G., and JOHN MORLEY. Only
+Prince ARTHUR left languorous on Treasury Bench.
+
+"Drooping like a lily out of water," MCEWAN says. Not that he's given
+to tropes of the kind; but, being lately at a wedding feast smothered
+in flowers, some of them have got into his conversation.
+
+_Business done_.--In Committee on Irish Land Bill, but no forrader.
+
+[Illustration: W.H. Smith in his new character as Warden of the Cinque
+Ports and Constable of Dover Castle.]
+
+_Tuesday_.--"Do you think I ought to wear spurs, TOBY?"
+
+It was Old MORALITY who spoke. We were in his room at House; just
+torn ourselves away from Committee on Irish Land Bill, where, at the
+moment, oddly enough SEXTON chanced to be speaking. Old MORALITY
+has been made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports, and is trying on his
+uniform. Rather piratical arrangement; blue cloth coat with large
+brass buttons, red sash round his waist, with holster thrust in
+it, containing the horse-pistol with which PITT armed himself when
+he sat at the window of Walmer Castle, looking across the Channel,
+momentarily expecting to discover BONEY crossing in a flat-bottomed
+boat. The trousers are of scarlet, with broad braid of gold lace
+on outer seams. Finally there is a truculent cocked hat, which OLD
+MORALITY persists in putting on with the peak astarn. The dress
+is picturesque, and OLD MORALITY's figure lends itself to it with
+peculiar grace and fitness.
+
+"I fancy WELLINGTON wore spurs," the Lord Warden persisted.
+
+Yes, I point out; but PITT didn't, nor did PALMERSTON. Anyhow just
+as well not to begin with spurs. Might in time grow up to them, as
+it were.
+
+Wanted the Lord Warden to enter House in his uniform: sadly in need
+of sensation. One would certainly be provided if Old MORALITY were
+discovered sitting on Treasury Bench in his present costume.
+
+"No," he said, "they would think I was going to move or second the
+Address. Should like to get used to the clothes a little before
+appearing in them in public places."
+
+So go back to House myself, leaving the Lord Warden marching up and
+down, making believe he is on the ramparts at Walmer. Oddly enough,
+when I arrive Windbag SEXTON making a speech, the few Members present
+talking about Old MORALITY's promotion. A dangerous epoch in a man's
+life. People apt just then to discover all kinds of shortcomings, and
+reasons why the promotion should have fallen elsewhere. But no one
+grudges OLD MORALITY this high and ancient honour; a fresh chapter in
+the pleasant story of "Mr. SMITH," a new "Part of His Life." For five
+years he has sat on the Treasury Bench in succession to DISRAELI and
+GLADSTONE; now he will answer for the safety of the Cinque Ports in
+succession to PITT and WELLINGTON, DALHOUSIE and PALMERSTON. _Business
+done_.--OLD MORALITY made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports.
+
+_Thursday_.--"TAY PAY also among the Gentlemen of England!" exclaimed
+SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, for once almost moved out of his customary
+self-possession. It certainly seems so. Came about on Second Reading
+of London Tramways Bill; promoters want to bring tramway over
+Westminster Bridge, and along Embankment. DEMOS desires to go about
+his business on the tramway, and does not see why he should be
+arbitrarily stopped before he has accomplished his journey. Carriage
+folk say, No; let DEMOS and his penny tram stop at other side of
+the water, leaving the broad thoroughfare of the Embankment for what
+RADCLIFFE COOKE called "the gilded chariot."
+
+Debate gone forward for some time. No one expected to find TAY PAY in
+this Galley. Since his return from Ameriky hasn't opened his voice in
+debate; spoken in public only once. That was to his constituents in
+Scotland Road, Liverpool; announced with portentous blast in advance
+that then and there the anxious world should learn what side he took
+in the leadership controversy. Others had declared themselves, whether
+for Brer FOX or Brer RABBIT. The momentous issue of TAY PAY's decision
+required further deliberation. So all the world had to wait till
+TAY PAY came home and saw his constituents. Result not altogether
+satisfactory. As TIM HEALY put it, "TAY PAY showed disposition to hunt
+with Brer FOX and run with Brer RABBIT." If in the end Brer FOX won,
+nothing in TAY PAY's Scotland Road speech need prevent him returning
+to his allegiance. If Brer FOX remained under a cloud, he could jog
+along with Brer RABBIT. Been careful not to spoil the little game by
+taking part in debate in House.
+
+Now, on this London Tramways Bill, which touches neither Brer FOX
+nor Brer RABBIT, TAY PAY interposes. Conservatives snort impatiently
+when he rises; cry aloud for division; take it for granted that TAY
+PAY will back up DEMOS's demand for equal right of way. But TAY PAY
+has genuine little surprise in store; is loftily contemptuous of
+tramways, doncha. If they cross the bridge and approach the precincts
+of the West End, what is to become of carriage-folk? "A noisy and
+inconvenient system of locomotion," said TAY PAY, shuddering with
+disgust, as though he heard a coarse voice crying "Fares, please!"
+
+[Illustration: Demos.]
+
+House roared with laughter; RADCLIFFE COOKE talked about opposition
+"coming from Members who hoped to ride in gilded coaches"; CREMER
+rudely reminded TAY PAY that ten or fifteen years ago, he would have
+taken a very different view of the convenience of tramway cars. This
+wasn't pleasant; but when the Division bell rang, TAY PAY had the
+satisfaction of walking, alone amongst his Party, with the Gentlemen
+of England, triumphantly vindicating the rights of carriage-folk
+against tramway trabs. Long time since House of Commons witnessed
+a scene so rich as this in material for reflection. _Business
+done_.--TAY PAY declares against trams.
+
+_Friday_.--Attendance on House gradually diminishing; what with
+influenza, and Irish Land Bill in Committee, Members gradually
+thinning off. No M.P. complete without his influenza. Barks shall not
+be out of anything if its humble, but conscientious Member can manage
+it; so I've "took" the influenza, or the influenza's "took" me.
+Don't exactly know how it came about. Anyhow, we're in bed together.
+_Business done_.--Don't know anything about it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+[CONTINUED.]
+
+[Illustration: Looking for a Seat.]
+
+_Wednesday, April 30th, "George Hotel," Billsbury_.--Spent yesterday
+and the day before in chambers at the Temple. No work as usual. Think
+I shall give it all up, and take entirely to politics. Yesterday
+afternoon a Mr. RICHARDSON GROGRAM called on me by appointment. He had
+written me a long letter stating that he had important information to
+communicate to me with reference to my candidature at Billsbury, and
+desired a short interview in order to lay it before me, Said he was
+"a Billsbury man born and bred, and naturally interested in everything
+that concerned the welfare of the old place, though for family
+reasons he had found it best to make the home of his riper manhood in
+the Metropolis." I smelt a rat, but thought it best to give him an
+interview. He is a tall man, with a dark beard, straight dark hair, a
+sallow face and shifty eyes, and was dressed rather like a dissenting
+clergyman. He was immensely genial in his manner, said he had read
+every word of my eloquent speeches, and thoroughly agreed with all
+I had said, though he himself would never have been able to say it
+half as well. He then asked me if I had heard of his "History of the
+Borough of Billsbury" in four volumes. I asked him who had published
+it and when, but he said he had been made the victim of intrigues, and
+had not yet secured a publisher, though there was any amount of money
+to be made out of the book. Would I like to read it in MS., and give
+him my candid opinion of it? Excused myself on the ground of great
+pressure of work. He talked like this for about twenty minutes, and at
+last came to what he called the chief purport of his visit. He said
+he had in the course of his investigations, been fortunate enough to
+acquire important and exclusive knowledge with regard to the early
+life of Sir THOMAS CHUBSON and his chief supporters in Billsbury.
+"If it is published," he continued, "it will absolutely blast the
+prospects of Radicalism in Billsbury. I am not a grasping man, but I
+must consider my family. Still, Sir, such is my respect and liking
+for you, that I am willing to place a sealed packet containing all
+these stories in your hands on payment of £150 down." I told him that
+wasn't my way either of fighting a constituency or of doing business,
+whereupon he became more voluble than ever, and I had no end of a job
+to get rid of the oily beast. JERRAM tells me to-day that he was once
+a solicitor's clerk in Billsbury, and had to leave on account of
+some missing money. Since then he appears to have lived a shady life,
+varied by attempts at blackmail. Faugh!
+
+Came down to Billsbury to-day, to attend the inaugural dinner of the
+season of the Billsbury Cricket Club. I am a Vice-President, and so
+is CHUBSON. The dinner was held in the large room of the "Blue Posts
+Hotel." General BANNATYNE, an old Indian, who is the President of the
+Club, was in the chair, having CHUBSON on his right, and me on his
+left. Old CHUBSON, to whom I was introduced, seems not half a bad old
+fellow, but he can't speak a bit. The dinner was awful, everything
+as tough as leather, and the Cabinet Pudding more beastly than any
+Cabinet Pudding I ever tasted--which is saying a good deal. CHUBSON
+proposed, "Prosperity to the Billsbury C.C." "Politics," he said,
+"are like Cricket. We spend our time in bowling overs." At this point
+a young Conservative, who had drunk too much, shouted, "Ah, and you
+mostly change sides, too"--an allusion to the fact that CHUBSON is
+believed to have started in politics as a Tory. Somebody removed
+the interrupter, and CHUBSON finished his speech all right, but
+the incident must have annoyed him. I proposed "The Town and Trade
+of Billsbury," and started by saying what pleasure it gave anybody
+occupied in politics to take a part in a non-political celebration
+like this. "My friend, Sir THOMAS CHUBSON," I said, "and I have not
+met before, and I congratulate myself, therefore, on having been
+introduced to him to-day. We shall do our level best to bowl one
+another out, but I know we shall play the game according to the rules,
+and in that spirit of fair-play for which Englishmen in general, and
+Billsbury cricketers in particular, are celebrated."
+
+This was rather mixed, but it went very well. I think I took the shine
+out of CHUBSON. Later on there was a shocking row between two of the
+town-councillors, who got to loggerheads over the question of the
+Billsbury Waterworks. It was smoothed over, however, after everybody
+had shouted "No politics!" for about ten minutes.
+
+TOLLAND says we must begin to canvas a little soon. Horrible work, but
+absolutely necessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOWLS.
+
+(BY A BUFFER.)
+
+    "Unfortunately (at bowls) one had to stoop to conquer: it is
+    that stooping which (except in politics) plays the deuce with
+    us after fifty."--_James Payn's Plea for Bowls_.
+
+  Yes, PAYN, you are right--as you commonly are--
+  The vertebræ creak and the ribs seem to jar,
+      When a man bends his back--after fifty--
+  If only to pull off his boots; he at length
+  Finds that curve in his spine is a strain on the strength
+      Of which middle-age must be thrifty.
+
+  But Bowls! Yes, my boy, it's a jolly old game,
+  Though athletic fanatics might vote it too tame,
+      But sense is not baffled by bogies.
+  The Emerald Green and the "bowls" and the "jack,"
+  Are beautiful--but for that bend in the back--
+      To those the young furies call "fogies."
+
+  You have not to "sprint" o'er some acres of grass,
+  To "slog" or to scamper, to "scrummage" or "pass,"
+      At the risk of your ribs, or "rheumatics";
+  You have not to treat your opponents like foes,
+  Or "go for" your rival's shin-bone or his nose,
+      As do the aforesaid fanatics.
+
+  But how pleasant the "green" in the cool of the day,
+  The tankard of stingo, the yard of white clay,
+      And the play and the chaff of good fellows!
+  Although not a betting man howls out the odds,
+  And no ring of mad backers--like gallery "gods"---
+      About us insensately bellows.
+
+  Yes, PAYN, the "crank in," and the "kiss of the Jack,"
+  _All_--save, as you say, that darned bend in the back--
+      About the old game is delightful.
+  We thank you for "trolling the bowl" once again,
+  Ah! it were a pleasure to play it with PAYN--
+      (By Jove, though--that loin-twinge was frightful!)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A THEATRICAL PLUNGE; OR, TAKING A HEDDA.
+
+A plunge indeed! but fortunately the swimmers are strong, and able
+to save the suicidal Ibsenites. For my part,--that is, as one of the
+audience drawn by curiosity,--I should say that were it not for the
+excellent acting of all concerned in the piece, and especially of Miss
+ELIZABETH ROBINS as the Hanwellian heroine, IBSEN's _Hedda Gabler_
+would scarcely have been allowed a second night's existence at the
+Vaudeville. Miss ROBINS is so much in earnest--as a true artist should
+be--that she excites your curiosity to discover what on earth she is
+taking all this trouble about; and thus she compels your attention.
+That the result is eminently unsatisfactory is no fault of hers.
+The piece itself is stuff and nonsense; poor stuff and "pernicious
+nonsense." It is as if the author had studied the weakest of the
+Robertsonian Comedies, and had thought he could do something like it
+in a tragic vein.
+
+[Illustration: A Powerful Cast.]
+
+In the last Act there is a situation reminding us strongly of one
+short scene in _Caste; there_--so delicately and touchingly treated by
+its author; _here_--so repulsively treated by IBSEN. Let it be reduced
+to serious burlesque, and let us have it played by PENLEY as _George
+Tesman_, ARTHUR ROBERTS (with a song) as _Judge Brack_, WEEDON
+GROSSMITH as _Ejlbert Lövborg_, Miss LOTTIE VENNE as _Mrs. Hedda
+Tesman_, Mrs. JOHN WOOD as _Aunt Juliana_, and Miss JESSIE BOND (with
+song and dance) as _Mrs. Elvsted_. It is announced in the bill as
+"IBSEN's Last Play." There's a crumb of comfort in this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+OATMEAL PORRIDGE.--Would some Scotch housewife kindly enlighten me
+as to the proper mode of preparing the above delicacy? I fancy there
+must be some mistake about the method I have hitherto adopted. Is it
+_really_ necessary to "boil for forty-eight hours, and then mix with
+equal quantities of gin, Guinness's Stout, Gum Arabic, and Epsom
+Salts?" I have followed this recipe (given me by a young friend, who
+says he has often been in Scotland) faithfully, but the result is not
+wholly satisfactory. I doubt whether genuine porridge should be of the
+consistency of a brick-bat, or taste of hair-oil.--UNDAUNTED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CLERICAL ÆSTHETICS.
+
+_Fair Parishioner_. "AND DO YOU LIKE THE PULPIT, MR. AURIOL?"
+
+_The New Curate_. "I DO NOT. ER--IT HIDES TOO MUCH OF THE FIGURE, AND I
+LIKE EVERY SHAKE OF THE SURPLICE TO TELL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BLOOD" V. "BULLION."
+
+  "Well then, it now appears you need my help.
+  Go to then: you come to me, and you say,
+  'SHYLOCK, we would have moneys'--you say so;
+  You that did void your rheum upon my beard,
+  And foot me, as you spurn a stranger cur
+  Over your threshold: moneys is your suit.
+  What should I say to you? Should I not say
+  'Hath a dog money?'"
+
+_Merchant of Venice_, Act I., Scene 3.
+
+  "With bated breath and whispering humbleness?"
+  Not so! There comes a season when the stress
+  Of insolent and exacting tyranny
+  Makes the most patient turn.
+                              Autocracy,
+  Without the despot's vaunted virtue, pride,
+  Shows small indeed. Can Power lay aside
+  Its swaggering port, and low petition make
+  (Driven by those Treasury thirsts which never slake)
+  For help from those it harries? PHARAOH's scourge
+  Was the taskmaster's weapon, used to urge
+  The Hebrew bondsmen to their tale of toil,
+  But they round whom the Russian's knout thongs coil,
+  Are of the breed of those the Russian palm
+  Can make petition to. Could triumph balm
+  The wounds of ages, here were balm indeed;
+  But blood revolts.
+                    Race of the changeless creed,
+  And ever-shifting sojourn, SHAKSPEARE's type
+  Deep meaning hides, which, when the world is ripe
+  For wider wisdom, when the palsying curse
+  Of prejudice, the canker of the purse,
+  And blind blood-hatred, shall a little lift,
+  Will clearlier shine, like sunburst through a rift
+  In congregated cloud-wracks. _Shylock_ stands
+  Badged with black shame in all the baser lands.
+  Use him, and--spit on him! That's Gentile wont;
+  Make him gold-conduit, and befoul the font,--
+  That's the true despot-plan through all the days,
+  And cackling _Gratianos_ chorus praise.
+  "The Jew shall have all justice." Shall he so?
+  The tyrant drains, his gold, then bids him--"Go!"
+  _Shylock_? The name bears insult in its sound;
+  But _he_ was nobler than the curs who hound
+  The patient Hebrew from his home, and drive
+  Deathward the stronger souls they dread alive.
+  _Shylock_? So brand him, boors and babbling wags,
+  Who scorn him, yet would share his money-bags;
+  Who hate him, yet can stoop to such appeal!
+  Beneath his meekness there's a soul of steel.
+  High-featured, amply-bearded, see he stands
+  Facing the Autocrat; those sinewy hands,
+  Shaped but for clutching--so his slanderers say--
+  The huckster bait can coldly put away
+  "Blood against bullion." The Jew-baiting band
+  Howl frantic execration o'er the land;
+  Malign and menace, pillage, persecute;
+  Though the heart's hot, the mouth must fain be mute.
+  The edict fulminates, the goad pursues;
+  Proscription, deprivation,--ay, they use
+  All the old tortures, nor are then content,
+  But crown the work with ruthless banishment.
+  And then--then the proud Muscovite seeks grace,
+  And gold, from kinsmen of the harried race!
+  "He would have moneys" from the Hebrew hoard,
+  To swell his state, or whet his warlike sword;
+  Perchance buy heavier scourges for the backs
+  Of lesser Hebrews, whom his wolfish packs
+  Of salaried minions hunt.
+                           Take back thine hand,
+  Imperious Autocrat, and understand
+  Gold buys not, rules not, serves not, salves not all.
+  Blood speaks--in favour of the helpless thrall
+  Of tyranny. Here's no tame _Shylock_: he
+  Shall not bend low, and in a bondsman's key,
+  Make o'er his money-bags with unctuous grace
+  To an enthroned enslaver of his race.
+  "Well then, it now appears you need my help".
+  (You--whose trained curs at my poor kinsmen yelp!)
+  "What should I say to you? Should I not say,
+  "Hath a dog money?" Blood's response is--"Nay!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A somewhat curious association of names and ideas occurs in last
+week's _Sporting and Dramatic_, where there is an illustration of some
+ceremony taking place which is described as "The RAINE's Foundation
+May Day Celebration." Odd, that this particular RAINE should always
+fall on the First of May.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BLOOD" _VERSUS_ "BULLION."
+
+"WELL THEN, IT NOW APPEARS YOU NEED MY HELP: YOU THAT DID VOID
+YOUR RHEUM UPON MY BEARD, AND FOOT ME, AS YOU SPURN A STRANGER CUR
+OVER YOUR THRESHOLD; _MONEYS IS YOUR SUIT. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO
+YOU?"_--_Merchant of Venice_, Act I., Sc. 3.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODE TO COMPENSATION.
+
+(_AFTER_ KIRKE WHITE.)
+
+"That blessed word--'Compensation.'"
+
+  Come Compensation, come!
+    Not in thy terrors clad,
+  But in thy fairest, gentlest guise,
+  Thy "blessed" name but terrifies
+    The "Templar" and the "Rad."
+
+  Thou must not come as "Right,"
+    That is--alas!--"too steep."
+  The Law has put its foot hard down,
+  And "BUNG," so far, is quite done brown;
+    It makes the "Witler" weep!
+
+  No "Vested Interest,"
+    Whereon to found a claim?
+  And after all that we have done
+  To keep the Tories in the run!
+    It is a thundering shame!
+
+  We deemed Sir EDWARD CLARKE
+    Knew what he was about;
+  We thought good GOSCHEN, sharp and slick,
+  Had "gently, gently done the trick,"
+    We have been sold, no doubt.
+
+  But FORREST FULTON comes,--
+   Sharp fellow that F.F.!
+  And in the Commons sneaks a vote
+  Which sticks hard in the "Temperance" throat,--
+    Dull churls, to justice deaf!
+
+  Come, Compensation, come!
+   Come in by the back-door,
+  Come unawares, come _anyhow_,
+  Only _do_ come to smooth the brow
+    Of Wittlers weak and poor.
+
+  GOSCHEN has played us false;
+   It makes our bosom ache.
+  But to abate our indignation
+  If he'll secure us Compensation,
+    'Twill compensation make.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TRAINER INFORMS HIS LORDSHIP THAT HIS NEW PURCHASE
+"WILL TAKE A LOT OF BEATING,"]
+
+[Illustration: AND--SO HE DID!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVERHEARD AT EARL'S COURT.
+
+_First Citizen._ And what did you see at the German Exhibition?
+
+_Second Citizen_. A magnificent collection of German pictures, many
+German manufactures, and several German Bands.
+
+_First C._ Are these the only attractions?
+
+_Second C._ No, there is some cleverly painted canvas representing
+German scenery in the grounds.
+
+_First C._ Anything else?
+
+_/Second C._ I enjoyed the Switchback Railway.
+
+_First C._ I see--anything else?
+
+_Second C._ Well, the Scenes in the Circle added to my enjoyment, but,
+as an enthusiastic admirer of all that is German, I do not consider
+them entirely necessary.
+
+_First C._ Anything further?
+
+_Second C._ There are the lights and the company.
+
+_First C._ But of course these are superfluous?
+
+_Second C._ From a German point of view--entirely so. I consider them
+merely as fringe.
+
+_First C._ Exactly--and, were they not there, you would extend as much
+patronage to the German Exhibition--you would go there as frequently?
+
+_Second C._ Yes--in spirit, if not in person.
+
+_First C._ And if for the German some other foreign element were
+substituted?
+
+_Second C._ No doubt I should be present quite as much in person, but
+_not_ in German spirit!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)
+
+[Illustration: No. 475. A Day's Sport in the Olden Times. Ancient
+Mariner regrets that guns are not yet invented, wishes he'd brought a
+Bow and Arrow with him. J. Waterhouse, A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 138. Tootsy Pootsies. "O dear, what is the matter
+with my poor feet!!" Edith Sprague.]
+
+No. 129. "_Love in Winter_." By G.H. BOUGHTON, A. But a poor sort of
+amusement for this nice young lady to be walking out all alone with a
+big muff! eh? Mr. BOUGHTON, eh?
+
+No. 292, _Bar-Maids Resting_. W.R. STEPHENS.
+
+No. 346. "_Moor and Mountain_." By CHARLES STUART. The name CHARLES
+STUART suggests "restoration," but this is a brand new work. It is
+mostly mountain, and very little more.
+
+No. 397. "Miss LYDIA LESLIE at her lessons" may be termed a group of
+One or Little Daughter and Less Sons. G.D. LESLIE, R.A.
+
+No. 410. Two horses in a field during a Snowstorm. Good subject for a
+Tavern sign-board, entitled, "Two Out." EDWARD STOTT.
+
+No. 452. "Mrs. X----," i.e., a lady with a good deal of dash. HUGH DE
+T. GLAZEBROOK.
+
+[Illustration: No. 518. A Practical Joke. "I shall startle 'em if I go
+in suddenly dressed like this." J.C. Horsley, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 167. Pott Luck; or, the Arch Archdeacon. W.B.
+Richmond, A.]
+
+No. 467. "_Angela Vanbrugh" playing the Fiddle; or, All alone with her
+Beau_. EDWIN LONG, R.A.
+
+No. 558. Lady going out for a row. Odd sort of boat: Wherry Funny. E.
+BLAIR LEIGHTON.
+
+No. 630. "_Iona_." By COLIN HUNTER, A. Buy it, and in _Iona_ you'll
+own a good picture.
+
+No. 664. "_La Cigale_." A sporting subject suggestive of "Got nothing
+on." It is not a portrait of _La Cigale_ at the Lyric. H. RAE.
+
+No. 714. Wind Lads and Wind-Lasses. FRANK DICKSEE, A.
+
+No. 743. "If I had a donkey what wouldn't go.". ALFRED W. STRUTT.
+
+No. 1006. A Little Duck. WILLIAM STRUTT. (Must be seen for title to be
+appreciated.)
+
+No. 1106. Hares Apparent. WILLIAM FOSTER.
+
+No. 1108. _Napoleon leaving the room where Josephine is fainting on
+the floor._ Short title, "Going Nap." LASLETT J. POTT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ABC OF IBSENITY.
+
+  A is the ARCHER who booms in the _World_,
+  B is the Banner of IBSEN unfurled.
+  C the Commotion it makes for the minute,
+  D is the _Doll's House_, and all there is in it.
+  E is the Eagerness shown in the fray,
+  F the Fanatics, who will have their way.
+  G is a Ghost, and oh! there are lots of 'em,
+  H is Heredity, making pot-shots of 'em.
+  I is the Ibsenite so analytic,
+  J is the Jeer of the Philistine critic.
+  K is a _Kroll_, and a Pastor is he,
+  L is a _Lady_, who comes from the Sea.
+  M is the Master, speak soft as you name him,
+  N stands for Norway, so eager to claim him.
+  O his Opponents, who speak out their mind,
+  P stands for _Punch_, where his dramas you'll find.
+  Q is the Question, should _Rosmer_ have wed her?
+  R is _Rebecca_, who took such a header.
+  S is the _Speaker_, which gets quite excited,
+  T is the Temper, it shows uninvited.
+  U the Unquestioning Faith of the some,
+  V is the Vaudeville, where they all come.
+  W stands for the Worshipping Few,
+  X their Xtreme disproportionate view.
+  Y ends Ibsenity, and, as everyone knows,
+  Z brings an alphabet rhyme to a close.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_The Diary of a Pilgrimage_ occupies 175 pages of one of ARROWSMITH's
+three-and-sixpenny books, and no doubt the admirers of its author, Mr.
+JEROME K. JEROME, may possibly not grudge this amount when gauging its
+value by its attractive cover. It is "'ARRY Abroad," that's all. 'ARRY
+Abroad laughs and talks loudly in foreign churches, sneers and jeers
+at everything he does not understand--and this includes the greater
+portion of all he sees and hears--chaffs puzzled officials, and
+everywhere makes himself highly and exceptionally popular. In this
+_Diary_ 'ARRY is occasionally rather amusing when he is endeavouring
+to be either serious or sentimental, or both. 'ARRY serious or 'ARRY
+sentimental, or 'ARRY sentimentally serious and expecting to be taken
+at his own valuation, is of course delightful, only a little of it
+goes a great way, and this Cockney pilgrim goes too far, especially
+when giving us his valuable opinion on the Passion Play. 'ARRY on the
+Passion Play, and the character of JUDAS ISCARIOT! As _Hedda Gabler's_
+husband observes on every possible opportunity--"Fancy _that_!" Only
+once the Baron finds himself in agreement with the travelling 'ARRY,
+and this happens when he says, "I must candidly confess that the
+English-speaking people one meets with on the Continent are, taken as
+a whole, a most disagreeable contingent." Yes, certainly, when they
+are all 'Arries. Set an 'ARRY to catch an 'ARRY, and of course to the
+regular right-down 'ARRY all other 'ARRIES, not 'appnin' to 'ave the
+_h_onour of being 'is own par_tics_, are detestably vulgar cads. The
+remainder of the book, i.e., 131 pages, is padded with essays, a fact
+not mentioned on the outside of the work, which, like charity, covers
+a multitude of sins. Whether this is quite a fair way of stating
+contents, is a question which the Baron supposes both Publishers and
+Author have thoroughly considered.
+
+Don't skip ELLEN TERRY's Memoirs in _The New Review_. Nothing much in
+them, but delightfully chatty and amusing. See _Murray's Magazine_ for
+Mr. GLADSTONE on the _Murray Memoirs_, in the number for the "Murray
+Month of May." When you are routing about for something short and
+amusing, take up the _Cornhill_, and read _A Flash in the Pan_. I
+have commenced, says the Baron, my friend GEORGE MEREDITH's _One of
+the Conquerors_. Now G.M. is an author whose work does not admit of
+the healthy and graceful exercise of skipping. Here the skipper's
+occupation is gone. G.M.'s work should be taken away by the reader far
+from the madding crowd and perused and pondered over. If Ponder's End
+is a tranquil place as the name implies, then to that secluded spot
+betake yourself with your GEORGE MEREDITH, O happy and studious
+reader, and ponder in peace.
+
+Since the time of _Richard Feverel_, which I shall always consider his
+best, "of the very best" as ZERO of the Monte Carlo Bar has it, G.M.
+has developed into a gold-beater of epigrams. What once served him
+as a two-line epigram, is now spread out over a couple of pages. Two
+volumes instead of three would serve his turn far better, or rather
+the public's turn, for his own is a very peculiar one. But to my task,
+says the Baron, give me a slight refresher and a suck at the lemon as
+it were, or a sip of the lemonade, and at him again. _Festina lente_.
+More anon from
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON ENGLISH AND FOREIGN WAITERS.
+
+Well, things is cumming to a pretty pass, things is, when I'm acshally
+told that, as it used to be said formerly, "No Hirish need apply for
+nothing," so now, we are told, that no English Waiters need apply at
+the Royal Nawal Xhibishun unless he bes a German!
+
+[Illustration: "RULE, BRITANNIA, BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES! FOR
+BRITONS NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SHALL BE SLAVES!"
+
+_Robert the Waiter_. "WHAT'S THIS! 'NO ENGLISH NEED APPLY! GERMANS
+ONLY TAKEN'! THIS _IS_ 'BRITONS NEVER SHALL BE SLAVES' WITH A
+WENGEANCE!"]
+
+I never knowed as Jack Tars, and Powder-Munkys, and Admerals (as is so
+fond of Port, that they takes the werry name), was so werry parshal
+to Germans, that they woud sooner go without their dinners and tease,
+than be waited on by any other gennelmen, most suttenly not. "_O
+contrare_," as the French Waiters says. It 'ud be a jolly long time,
+I shood think, before your real British Sailers wood learn to call
+a Waiter a _Gasson_, tho' as it means, I'm told, a Boy, there is sum
+little sense in it, coz there's, in course. Old Boys as well as yung
+ones; but what on airth meaning is there in a Kelner! as I'm acshally
+told all German Waiters insists on being called! Why the thing's too
+absurd to tork about.
+
+Besides the British Publick is used to our little ways, as we are
+quite used to theirn, and they talk to us in that nice confidenshal
+tone about the different wines, et setterer, as no true Born
+Englishman ewer yet spoke to a Frenchman, much less a German. No,
+no, the hole thing's a mistake, as will soon be found out. And what a
+groce injustice to the native article. These sollem-looking Germans,
+not content with pushing our poor sons from their stools in our
+counting-houses, as _Macbeth_ says, must now cum and take the werry
+bread out of their poor Father's mouths. Oh pale-faced shame, where's
+your blush? And think too of their himperance. Why they are acshilly a
+going for to have a hexibition of their own, here in Lundon, and does
+anyone think as they'll write up on the gates, "Only English Waiters
+need apply?" Why the hidear is ridiclous, but where's the difference
+I should like to kno. No, no, no one can kno better than I do, from
+a long and waried xperience, from the Grand old City, the ome of
+ospitality and turtle soup, to the "Grand" and "Metropole," the omes
+of lucksury and refinement, that the British Public likes his British
+Waiter, he likes his nice respecful ways, the helligent Bow with which
+he ands him his At, and the graceful hair with which he receeves his
+little doosure.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.
+
+NO. IV.--THE HUSBAND'S OLD SCHOOL-FELLOW.
+
+We will suppose that you are a young wife, and that your husband is
+absent in the City during the greater part of the day. One afternoon a
+card is brought in bearing the inscription:--
+
+CAPTAIN CAULKER.
+
+_United Service Club. The Hermitage, Coventry_.
+
+Which document is followed closely by a tall, well-groomed, rather
+portly and florid stranger, with a military moustache, who greets
+you with the utmost cordiality. "I happened to find myself in
+this neighbourhood," he says, "and I could not--I really could
+_not_--resist this opportunity. My name, I venture to think, is a
+sufficient introduction?"
+
+It is nothing of the sort--but you are too shy and too polite to admit
+it, so you merely murmur some incoherency. He detects you at once.
+"Ah!" he cries, in good-tempered reproach; "I see, I've been too
+sanguine. Now confess, my dear lady, you haven't a _notion_ who I am!"
+
+Thus brought to bay, you own that you have no clue to your visitor's
+identity--as yet. "Well--well," he says, tolerantly, "Time is a
+terrible sponge--though I had hoped that, even after all these years,
+your dear husband might have occasionally mentioned the name of his
+old school-chum! I've never forgotten _him_--no, all through the years
+I've been in India I've never forgotten dear old WALTER!"
+
+"But my husband's name is _WILLIAM_!" you say here.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"He was always WALTER to _me_, Madam, or rather--WATTY. He was so
+like a favourite young brother of mine, who died young. That drew
+us together from the first. Did dear old WATTY never tell you how
+he saved my life once?... No? So like him!--he wouldn't. But he did,
+though; yes, by Gad, jumped into fifteen foot of water after me, and
+kept me up when I was going under for the last time. Pardon me, but I
+see a photograph upon your writing-table--surely, unless I am wrong,
+that--"
+
+"That is a portrait of my only brother," you will say; "he is out in
+India with his regiment--perhaps you may have met him there?"
+
+"Thought I knew the face--met him at Simla, several times," says the
+Captain; "wonderful how small the world is! But have you one of old
+WATTY's photos? I should so like to see whether the dear old chap has
+altered ... Ah, I should hardly have known him--and yet, yes, the same
+cheery, jolly look, I can trace the boy there, I can see my old WATTY
+again! No friends, my dear Mrs. GOSLING, like those we make in early
+youth! And he never mentions me now? Ah! well, he has a very charming
+excuse for forgetting the past--though I shall tell him when I see
+him that I do think he might have remembered his old school-friend
+a little better than he seems to have done. Your servant informed me
+that he was seldom at home quite so early as this, but I thought if
+I could not see _him_, I would at least give myself the pleasure of
+making the acquaintance of his wife, so I just ventured to come in for
+five minutes."
+
+"WILLIAM will be so disappointed to have missed you," you say,
+eagerly; "can't you wait and let me give you some tea? He may be back
+in half an hour."
+
+"In half an hour? Well, 'pon my word, you tempt me very much. I
+shouldn't like to go away without seeing him, but I must send away my
+cab first--no, it's not outside, left it at the corner of the road,
+as I wasn't certain of the number--I s'pose I've got enough silver
+to--no, I haven't, by Jove! _Could_ you oblige me by change for
+a--well, really, this is very awkward. I've positively come out with
+only a shilling--thought it was a sovereign! I shall have to ask dear
+old WATTY to accommodate me--I've lent _him_ many a half-crown in
+the old days. Absurd predicament to be in, and if I keep my cabman
+waiting, I don't know what he mayn't charge me. I took him three hours
+ago. I tell you what, my dear Mrs. GOSLING; If you'll advance me a
+sovereign, I could run out and settle with the fellow, and then it
+won't signify _how_ long I wait for WATTY. _Can_ you? Too good of
+you, I'm sure! WATTY will chaff me when he hears I've been borrowing
+like this, ha, ha!" Here your ear, sharpened by affection, catches
+a well-known turn of the latch-key at your front-door. "Why, how
+fortunate!" you exclaim, "here _is_ my husband already, Captain
+CAULKER. He will come in as soon as he has changed his shoes."
+
+"Capital!" cries the Captain. "Look here, Mrs. GOSLING,--I've just
+thought of a little joke. I want to see if he'll _know_ me. Now you go
+and talk to him a little, and--presently, you know--say there's a man
+in the drawing-room, who's come to wind the clocks, and then I'll come
+in to where you are, and make believe to wind the clock there--do you
+see? I'd bet anything he won't spot me at first!"
+
+You are young enough to be delighted at the idea of such a pretty
+little comedy, and you trip away to the study, and archly keep
+dear WILLIAM in conversation until the Captain is ready to make
+his appearance. At last, a little impatiently, you give the cue by
+mentioning that there is a clock-winder in the drawing-room. WILLIAM
+is amusingly suspicious, and insists on seeing the man. As the
+scene will be just as funny in the drawing-room, you accompany him
+thither--but there is no gallant Captain there affecting to wind
+your charming little Sèvres clock (a wedding present)--he has gone,
+and--alas! without leaving a timepiece for anybody else to wind. And
+WILLIAM is _most_ disagreeable and unpleasant about it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES FROM A NURSERY-GARDEN.
+
+(_BY AN AWFULLY CLEVER CHILD_.)
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I am a Poetess. I am told that the Age is old, and
+that Poetry is over. _My_ age is ten, and my poetry is certainly not
+over. My nurse (one of those horrid critics) has ventured to suggest
+that I am not original. I leave you to judge. Yours impatiently,
+ENFANT TERRIBLE.
+
+N.W.
+
+  Alack! up Northern Primrose Hill
+    (_Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah, GILL!_)
+  They climbed, and deemed it Helicon,
+  Those childish bards, GILLETTE and JOHN,
+    Their pails with Hippocrene to fill.
+    (_Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah, GILL!_)
+
+  Adown that Western Hill, alack!
+    (_Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh, JACK!_)
+  Or e'er they gained the Muses' well,
+  JACK kicked his bucket frail and, fell.
+    And GILL was brought upon her back.
+    (_Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh, JACK!_)
+
+TO A SCENTY PEDE.
+
+  How doth yonder miniature featness,
+    Though wingless, with gossamer wit,
+  Foregather mellifluent sweetness,
+    While Fates unrelenting permit--
+  Wise heir of bright hours, completeness
+    Of blossoms that flicker and flit.
+
+ON A JAPANESE SCREEN.
+
+  In Yeddo, where long lilies weep, Bo' Peep
+  The shepherdess hath lost her sheep.
+  She recks not where the sheep have strayed, Poor maid,
+  Beneath the Boodha-Temple's shade.
+
+  Her solace is the Minstrel's: _I'd_ Let slide
+  My flocks of verse without a guide.
+  So will they best return without A doubt--
+  Or tale that mortal can make out.
+
+MISS MUFFET.
+
+            So sweet!
+  Child-Innocence, with upward-curling feet
+            On buffet-seat,
+  Resolving (as we all resolve) to eat.
+            So sad!
+  The ravening Spider from his eyrie mad
+            Swoops, boldly bad,
+  And scares (as spiders scare) the Pure and Glad.
+
+ON A KLEPTOMANIAC.
+
+  Ah, Violin Cremonian!
+  Ah, Pussy-cat of Ispahan!
+    Moo-cow that dost outmoon the moon!
+  Yes, dainty poodle, laugh away,
+  And mock the pranks poor mortals play
+    Who spoon the dish and dish the spoon!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE QUEEN OF MAYS.
+
+  Give me an elfin, frolic MAY,
+    No Queen with hoarse cadenzas,
+  Who pipes a frozen roundelay
+    Of spiteful influenzas.
+
+  _My_ MAY shall air no voices crude.
+    No chained and chilly dances--
+  With wordless harmonies endued
+    And pirouetting fancies.
+
+  She'll draw us round no Northern Poles
+    With crowns of mimic roses.
+  That mock our sad sepulchral souls
+    And counterfeit our noses.
+
+  But white as hawthorn blossom, free
+    As air to shed her pleasures,
+  _My_ mute, melodious MAY shall be
+    The soul of wayward measures.
+
+  To put it plainly, while the ban
+    Of Spring on us and gales is,
+  I'll bask and smile and worship JEANNE
+    Within the Prince of Wales's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONSERVATIVE COMMENT ON A RECENT ELECTION (_after Mr.
+Middlewick_).--"Humph! Inferior Dosset!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, May 16, 1891, by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100,
+May 16, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 16, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 1, 2004 [EBook #13348]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>May 16, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page229"
+       id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. XVII.&mdash;GASPS.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By</i> OLPH SCHREION, <i>Author of "Screams," "The
+    Allegory of an Asian Ranche.</i>")</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["You will perceive," writes the Author of the following
+        story, "that this is allegorical, but it is not by any
+        means necessary that you should understand it. The chief
+        charm of allegorical writing is its absolute freedom from
+        the trammels of convention. You write something large and
+        vague, with any amount of symbols thrown in. The words flow
+        quite easily; you cover scores of pages. Then you read it
+        over again next morning. If you understand it so little as
+        to think some other fellow must have written it, you may be
+        quite certain it is an allegory. When you print it, your
+        public reads into it all kinds of mysterious and morbid
+        religious emotions, and confused misinterpretations of
+        life-problems, and everybody tacks on his own special
+        explanation. That being so, it is quite unnecessary for you
+        to explain things&mdash;which saves a great deal of
+        trouble. The plan is an excellent one. Try it.&mdash;Yours,
+        allegorically, O.S."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4>
+
+    <p>TANT' SANNIE was stewing <i>kraut</i> in the old Dutch
+    saucepan. The scorching rays of the African sun were beating
+    down upon BONAPARTE BLENKINS who was doing his best to be
+    sun-like by beating WALDO. His nose was red and disagreeable.
+    He was something like HUCKLEBERRY FINN's Dauphin, an amusing,
+    callous, cruel rogue, but less resourceful. TANT' SANNIE
+    laughed; it was so pleasant to see a German boy beaten black
+    and blue. But the Hottentot servants merely gaped. It was their
+    custom.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:55%;">
+        <a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/229.png"
+             alt="Tant' Sannie." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>But in the middle distance Life was playing marbles with the
+    Unknown. And the Unknown said unto Life, "Give me an
+    alley-tor." But Life replied, "Nay, for the commoneys are lying
+    well, and the thumb of him that aimeth is seasoned unto the
+    stroke." And the Unknown beat his sable wings together, and one
+    black feather flitted far into the breast of the day and fell
+    to earth. And there came a fair-haired Child plucking flowers
+    in the desert with brows bent in thought.</p>
+
+    <p>And Life said unto the Child, "Play with me."</p>
+
+    <p>And the Unknown said, "Play with me."</p>
+
+    <p>But the Child raised its soft hand slowly and the tender
+    fingers grew apart, and its thumb was poised in thought upon
+    its nose, and it spake not at all. And the feather flitted far,
+    far over the waste, and men came forth and gazed upon it, but
+    it heeded them not.</p>
+
+    <p>Then said Life, "I am strong. Kings have need of me and
+    earth is my dominion." But the Unknown gathered up the
+    scattered marbles, concealing them gently, and answered only
+    this&mdash;"I am a greater than Life."</p>
+
+    <p>And the Child strayed onwards and the feather flitted, and
+    TANT' SANNIE still stewed <i>kraut</i> in the old Dutch
+    saucepan. And BONAPARTE BLENKINS was glad.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4>
+
+    <p>Cruelty, cruelty, cruelty&mdash;all is cruelty! Boys are
+    beaten; oxen are stabbed till the blood bursts forth; happy,
+    industrious, dung-collecting beetles are bitten in two by
+    careless, happy, beetle-collecting dogs&mdash;everything is
+    wicked and cruel. The Kaffir has beautiful legs, but he will
+    kick his wife, and TANT' SANNIE, alas! will not be there to
+    drop a pickle-tub on his head. And over everything hangs that
+    inscrutable charm which hovers for ever for the human intellect
+    over the incomprehensible and shadowy. <i>Omne ignotum pro
+    mirifico</i>, I might say, but I prefer the longer phrase.</p>
+
+    <p>And I stood at the gate of Heaven, I and TANT' SANNIE; and
+    we spoke to everybody quite affably; and they all had time to
+    listen to what we said, and to make suitable replies.</p>
+
+    <p>And I said, "Are we all here?"</p>
+
+    <p>And she said, "Not all."</p>
+
+    <p>And I said, "The absent are always in the wrong."</p>
+
+    <p>And she said, "I have heard that in French."</p>
+
+    <p>And I said, "Is not that impertinent?"</p>
+
+    <p>And she said, "No."</p>
+
+    <p>And a great Light fell across her face, as though a palm had
+    smitten it, and the name of the palm was Hand, and its fruits
+    were fingers five.</p>
+
+    <p>And again I addressed myself in terms of familiarity to the
+    Ever-lasting, and I planted a book upon the clouds, where eight
+    children lay prone with bees flying about their childish
+    bonnets.</p>
+
+    <p>And there came a knock at my door.</p>
+
+    <p>"Eight o'clock!" said One. "Arise!"</p>
+
+    <p>"Nay," I answered; "it cannot be."</p>
+
+    <p>"But the water is hot within the can, and the table will be
+    spread for them that break their fast."</p>
+
+    <p>"So be it. I rise." And behold it was a dream!</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4>
+
+    <p>Far away the mother of the little nigger stood churning.
+    Where is the mother of the little black nigger? She is churning
+    slowly in the garden. But cannot the aunt of the good gardener
+    churn herself? No; for she is in the orchard, plucking the
+    apples, peaches, apricots, pears (<i>Birnen</i>), to give to
+    the butler's grandmother.</p>
+
+    <p>And there came Life and The Ideal walking hand in hand. And
+    behind them came Wealth and Vastness singing together. And
+    Infinity was there, and Health, and Wisdom, and Love. And
+    Reflection was mounted on a steed with Joy. And many other
+    shapes followed, delicately arrayed in fine linen. And
+    helmet-wearing Men in Blue marshalled the procession. And they
+    spake roughly, saying, "Pass away there, pass away there!"</p>
+
+    <p>And I said, "Is this the Lord Mayor's Show?"</p>
+
+    <p>And One said, "No."</p>
+
+    <p>And I said, "Is it the Salvation Army?"</p>
+
+    <p>And again One said, "No."</p>
+
+    <p>And I said, "Is it SEQUAH?"</p>
+
+    <p>And One said again. "No."</p>
+
+    <p>And I said, "I have guessed enough."</p>
+
+    <p>And One said, "Yes."</p>
+
+    <p>But The Real was not there, and they passed away.</p>
+
+    <p>And One said, "I am Wealth," which was absurd, but No-one
+    laughed. And they all danced a fandango on the points of their
+    toes. And a shaft of light lay over them. And they wandered on.
+    At last they came to a bad, wicked naughty, brimstone place.
+    And I said to Some-one, "I like this. It seems a good place."
+    And still No-one laughed. And Wealth touched me, and I was
+    glad. And I said, "Give me millions, or buy a box of matches,"
+    and Law seized me and took me to the Cell. Then I said to the
+    Beak, "Your Worship." And the Beak said unto me, "Begging
+    again. Forty shillings." And again I woke. And it was all a
+    striving and a striving and an ending in Nothing.</p>
+
+    <center>
+        THE END.
+    </center>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TO MLLE. JANE MAY.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i4">"Au clair de la lune,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Mon ami PIERROT,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Prête-moi ta plume</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Pour écrire un mot."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Prête-moi ta plume!</i> Could wit borrow a
+            feather</p>
+
+            <p>From Cupid's own pinion, 'tis doubtfullish
+            whether</p>
+
+            <p>A "<i>mot</i>" might be made which should happily
+            hit</p>
+
+            <p>The "gold" of desert; and Love, aided by Wit,</p>
+
+            <p>Though equal to eloquent passion's fine glow,</p>
+
+            <p>Might both be struck mute by the Muse of
+            Dumb-Show.</p>
+
+            <p>That "actions speak louder than words" we all
+            knew;</p>
+
+            <p>But now we may add, "and more gracefully, too."</p>
+
+            <p><i>Performances</i> fine <i>Punch</i> has praised in
+            his day,</p>
+
+            <p>But how few take the <i>pas</i> of the
+            <i>Promise</i>&mdash;of MAY!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"NATIVE RACES AND THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC."&mdash;An important
+    subject strangely omitted at the recent meeting of this Society
+    was "The Consumption of Champagne on the Derby and Oaks Days."
+    The Duke of WESTMINSTER will take the earliest opportunity of
+    rectifying this error.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page230"
+       id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/230.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/230.png"
+             alt="The Wine Merchant." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A BLEND.</h3><i>The Wine Merchant</i> (G-SCH-N). "I'M
+        AFRAID SOME OF OUR OLD CUSTOMERS WON'T LIKE IT AT FIRST;
+        BUT, WITH A LITTLE PERSUASION, I THINK I CAN GET 'EM TO
+        TAKE TO IT KINDLY."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page231"
+       id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span>
+
+    <h2>JOKIM THE CELLARER; OR, THE BLEND.</h2>
+
+    <h4>AIR.&mdash;"<i>Simon the Cellarer</i>."</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Cute JOKIM the Cellarer keeps a large store</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of choice Party Spirits, d'ye see;</p>
+
+            <p>Scotch, Irish, and who can say how many more?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An eclectic old soul is he.</p>
+
+            <p>But mainly in "Blends" he is good, dark or pale,</p>
+
+            <p>For he knows without them his best bottlings may
+            fail;</p>
+
+            <p>But he never faileth, he archly doth say,</p>
+
+            <p>For he well knows what tap suits the taste of the
+            day.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And ho! ho! ho! his books will show</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">He oft taps the barrels of Brummagem
+            JOE!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>JOE sits all the time in his own still-room,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And a taster clever is he.</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis in vain that his enemies kick up a fume.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And swear he is half a Torie.</p>
+
+            <p>But there are sly meetings upon the backstair.</p>
+
+            <p>And watchers say JOE is oft gossiping there.</p>
+
+            <p>Now JOE distrusts someone who's Grand, and who's
+            Old,</p>
+
+            <p>And says that he <i>must</i> be kept "out in the
+            cold."</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And ho! ho! ho! old JOKIM doth know</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">That many a flask of his best comes from
+            JOE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Cute JOKIM keeps blending JOE's taps and his
+            own;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though knowing harsh rumours are
+            rife;</p>
+
+            <p>And Brummagem JOE is oft heard to declare,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Their partnership <i>may</i> last for
+            life.</p>
+
+            <p>And JOKIM says, "some call Brum JOE a bad chap,</p>
+
+            <p>But they'll soon learn to relish the taste of his
+            tap,</p>
+
+            <p>And while I may Brummagem JOE call my friend,</p>
+
+            <p>I <i>think</i> I shall customers find for our
+            'Blend.'"</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">While ho! ho! ho! he'll chuckle and
+            crow;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">"What, turn up Brum JOE, my boys? No! no!
+            no!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Monday, May 4</i>.&mdash;ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN's <i>Carmen</i>
+    is about the best when all the other dear charmers are away,
+    and in the character she will probably remain in possession of
+    the field, or, rather, "the Garden," till the end of the
+    season. The remainder as before, with DEVOYOD as
+    <i>Escamillo</i>. But what has become of the "go" in the
+    <i>Toréador's</i> great song? Where are the double
+    <i>encores</i>? Where, indeed, the hearty applause? Surely it
+    has gone the way of the March in <i>Faust</i>, once so
+    enthusiastically received and cheered to the echo; and
+    now&mdash;"March off!" It is true that, once let a "tuney tune"
+    become vulgarised by street-musicians, and organic disease
+    would be sufficient to kill it were it not tortured and ground
+    to death by remorseless hands. But the <i>Toréador's</i> song
+    and the March have not been the victims of an organised
+    opposition. Perhaps, though, they may have been, only 'tis so
+    long ago as not to be within the ken of the present deponent.
+    Anyhow, the <i>Toréador's</i> song goes for nothing nowadays,
+    and yet 'tis as good as ever.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/231-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/231-1.png"
+             alt="Miss Zélie de Lussan as Zerlina." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;We welcomed <i>The Don</i>. Not the
+    Academic Don once so popularly represented by Mr. J.L. TOOLE,
+    but MOZART's Italianised Spanish Don. <i>À propos</i> of Mr.
+    TOOLE, it has always been the wonder of his friends, to whom
+    the quality of his vocal powers is so well known, that he has
+    never been tempted to renounce the simple histrionic for the
+    lyric Drama. It is said, and "greatly to his credit," that, had
+    it not been for his unwillingness to rob his friend SIMS REEVES
+    of the laurel-crown he wears as first English Tenor of his age,
+    he would long ago have set up a most dangerous opposition to
+    that sweet singer, and have ridden off victoriously with "<i>My
+    Pretty Jane</i>" seated up behind him, pillion-wise, on the
+    noble steed known as "<i>The Bay of Biscay O!</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>But the above is an <i>entr'acte</i>, shorter than those at
+    Covent Garden, by the way. M. MAUREL first-rate as the
+    <i>Don</i>, both in acting and singing, even better in former
+    than latter; but the dear old serenade, which never can be
+    vulgarised, in spite of its popularity, was encored, and the
+    encore was gracefully accepted, Signor BEVIGNANI being in the
+    chair, and willing to tap the desk and announce, "Gentlemen!
+    Monsieur MAUREL will oblige again!" Applause.</p>
+
+    <p>If all the village maidens could dress in a costume such as
+    Miss ZÉLIE-ZERLINA wears, then, to take the best and nicest
+    view of it, that village must be uncommonly prosperous.
+    Probably tourists' visits are not few and far between: but
+    anyhow, even the most unsuspicious bumpkin of a lover, would be
+    inclined to ask a few questions about this finery. However, her
+    performance was as fine as the dress, and she looked quite the
+    ZÉLIE-ZERLINA, so fascinating to the Lord and the Lout.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Saturday</i>.&mdash;<i>Roméo et Juliette</i>, that is, M.
+    JEAN DE RESZKÉ and Mlle. EAMES. A nearly perfect performance.
+    JEAN a trifle too stout for an ideal <i>Romeo</i>, but of
+    course he couldn't go into training for the part at short
+    notice. The spirit with which he played the part far outweighed
+    the error of the flesh. Miss EAMES a charming <i>Juliet</i> in
+    every way, though her singing of the waltz was not of dazzling
+    firework brilliancy. Brother NED was the <i>Frère Laurent</i>.
+    Excellent. The name Anglo-Frenchified, suggests a reverend
+    gentleman who would meddle with legal marriages and perform
+    private ceremonies without leave or licence from his Ordinary,
+    and might be known as Brother Law-wrong, an Extra-Ordinary
+    Friar. The House crammed full with an audience as brilliant as
+    the performance.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/231-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/231-2.png"
+             alt="THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Son of the House</i>. "YOU'RE NOT DANCING, MR.
+        LAMBERT! DON'T YOU WISH TO?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. Lambert</i> (<i>who is not so slim as he used to
+        be</i>). "CERTAINLY&mdash;IF YOU CAN FIND ME A <i>CONCAVE
+        PARTNER</i>!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE LAST SONG.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[Mr. SIMS REEVES was announced to sing "<i>Total
+        Eclipse</i>" at his Farewell Concert on Monday.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Farewell! A most unwelcome word to all</p>
+
+            <p>Whom fifty years of charm have held in thrall:</p>
+
+            <p>Total eclipse&mdash;of pleasure on their part</p>
+
+            <p>Who love pure melody and polished Art.</p>
+
+            <p>Memory will echo long the silvery chime</p>
+
+            <p>Of such a voice as even ruthless Time</p>
+
+            <p>Might stay his stride to listen to, and spare</p>
+
+            <p>From the corroding touch. Some scarce will care</p>
+
+            <p>To hear "<i>Tom Bowling</i>" sung by other lips,</p>
+
+            <p>And when in tenor strains "<i>Total Eclipse</i>"</p>
+
+            <p>Sounds next upon our ears, SIMS REEVES will seem</p>
+
+            <p>To sing again to us as in a pleasant dream.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page232"
+       id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:17%;">
+        <a href="images/232-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/232-1.png"
+             alt="Mr. McEwan." /></a>Mr. McEwan.
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, May 4</i>.&mdash;Windbag SEXTON
+    had fine opportunity to-night; made the most of it. SEYMOUR
+    KEAY absent through greater part of sitting. Various rumours
+    current in explanation of the happy accident. Influenza hinted
+    at; but Grand Young GARDNER, who is familiar with both, says
+    <i>Grippe</i> much too knowing to link itself with Member for
+    Elgin and Nairn. Towards Eleven o'Clock, rumour set at rest by
+    appearance of KEAY. Simple explanation of temporary absence is,
+    that he has been at home, drawing up a few more Amendments.</p>
+
+    <p>In his absence. Windbag had it all to himself. How many
+    speeches he has made through the dreary sitting am afraid to
+    reckon up. Members going off to write letters, smoke a cigar,
+    read evening papers, or dine, leave him on his legs, with one
+    hand in pocket, and smile of serene satisfaction on face,
+    prosing on. Coming back, they find him still in same position,
+    apparently saying same thing. Has lately developed new
+    oratorical charm. Constantly repeats his sentences, word for
+    word. Everybody cleared out, even Mr. G., and JOHN MORLEY. Only
+    Prince ARTHUR left languorous on Treasury Bench.</p>
+
+    <p>"Drooping like a lily out of water," MCEWAN says. Not that
+    he's given to tropes of the kind; but, being lately at a
+    wedding feast smothered in flowers, some of them have got into
+    his conversation.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;In Committee on Irish Land Bill,
+    but no forrader.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/232-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/232-2.png"
+             alt="W.H. Smith." /></a>W.H. Smith in his new
+             character as Warden of the Cinque Ports and Constable
+             of Dover Castle.
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;"Do you think I ought to wear spurs,
+    TOBY?"</p>
+
+    <p>It was Old MORALITY who spoke. We were in his room at House;
+    just torn ourselves away from Committee on Irish Land Bill,
+    where, at the moment, oddly enough SEXTON chanced to be
+    speaking. Old MORALITY has been made Lord Warden of the Cinque
+    Ports, and is trying on his uniform. Rather piratical
+    arrangement; blue cloth coat with large brass buttons, red sash
+    round his waist, with holster thrust in it, containing the
+    horse-pistol with which PITT armed himself when he sat at the
+    window of Walmer Castle, looking across the Channel,
+    momentarily expecting to discover BONEY crossing in a
+    flat-bottomed boat. The trousers are of scarlet, with broad
+    braid of gold lace on outer seams. Finally there is a truculent
+    cocked hat, which OLD MORALITY persists in putting on with the
+    peak astarn. The dress is picturesque, and OLD MORALITY's
+    figure lends itself to it with peculiar grace and fitness.</p>
+
+    <p>"I fancy WELLINGTON wore spurs," the Lord Warden
+    persisted.</p>
+
+    <p>Yes, I point out; but PITT didn't, nor did PALMERSTON.
+    Anyhow just as well not to begin with spurs. Might in time grow
+    up to them, as it were.</p>
+
+    <p>Wanted the Lord Warden to enter House in his uniform: sadly
+    in need of sensation. One would certainly be provided if Old
+    MORALITY were discovered sitting on Treasury Bench in his
+    present costume.</p>
+
+    <p>"No," he said, "they would think I was going to move or
+    second the Address. Should like to get used to the clothes a
+    little before appearing in them in public places."</p>
+
+    <p>So go back to House myself, leaving the Lord Warden marching
+    up and down, making believe he is on the ramparts at Walmer.
+    Oddly enough, when I arrive Windbag SEXTON making a speech, the
+    few Members present talking about Old MORALITY's promotion. A
+    dangerous epoch in a man's life. People apt just then to
+    discover all kinds of shortcomings, and reasons why the
+    promotion should have fallen elsewhere. But no one grudges OLD
+    MORALITY this high and ancient honour; a fresh chapter in the
+    pleasant story of "Mr. SMITH," a new "Part of His Life." For
+    five years he has sat on the Treasury Bench in succession to
+    DISRAELI and GLADSTONE; now he will answer for the safety of
+    the Cinque Ports in succession to PITT and WELLINGTON,
+    DALHOUSIE and PALMERSTON. <i>Business done</i>.&mdash;OLD
+    MORALITY made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;"TAY PAY also among the Gentlemen of
+    England!" exclaimed SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, for once almost
+    moved out of his customary self-possession. It certainly seems
+    so. Came about on Second Reading of London Tramways Bill;
+    promoters want to bring tramway over Westminster Bridge, and
+    along Embankment. DEMOS desires to go about his business on the
+    tramway, and does not see why he should be arbitrarily stopped
+    before he has accomplished his journey. Carriage folk say, No;
+    let DEMOS and his penny tram stop at other side of the water,
+    leaving the broad thoroughfare of the Embankment for what
+    RADCLIFFE COOKE called "the gilded chariot."</p>
+
+    <p>Debate gone forward for some time. No one expected to find
+    TAY PAY in this Galley. Since his return from Ameriky hasn't
+    opened his voice in debate; spoken in public only once. That
+    was to his constituents in Scotland Road, Liverpool; announced
+    with portentous blast in advance that then and there the
+    anxious world should learn what side he took in the leadership
+    controversy. Others had declared themselves, whether for Brer
+    FOX or Brer RABBIT. The momentous issue of TAY PAY's decision
+    required further deliberation. So all the world had to wait
+    till TAY PAY came home and saw his constituents. Result not
+    altogether satisfactory. As TIM HEALY put it, "TAY PAY showed
+    disposition to hunt with Brer FOX and run with Brer RABBIT." If
+    in the end Brer FOX won, nothing in TAY PAY's Scotland Road
+    speech need prevent him returning to his allegiance. If Brer
+    FOX remained under a cloud, he could jog along with Brer
+    RABBIT. Been careful not to spoil the little game by taking
+    part in debate in House.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/232-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/232-3.png"
+             alt="Demos." /></a>Demos.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Now, on this London Tramways Bill, which touches neither
+    Brer FOX nor Brer RABBIT, TAY PAY interposes. Conservatives
+    snort impatiently when he rises; cry aloud for division; take
+    it for granted that TAY PAY will back up DEMOS's demand for
+    equal right of way. But TAY PAY has genuine little surprise in
+    store; is loftily contemptuous of tramways, doncha. If they
+    cross the bridge and approach the precincts of the West End,
+    what is to become of carriage-folk? "A noisy and inconvenient
+    system of locomotion," said TAY PAY, shuddering with disgust,
+    as though he heard a coarse voice crying "Fares, please!"</p>
+
+    <p>House roared with laughter; RADCLIFFE COOKE talked about
+    opposition "coming from Members who hoped to ride in gilded
+    coaches"; CREMER rudely reminded TAY PAY that ten or fifteen
+    years ago, he would have taken a very different view of the
+    convenience of tramway cars. This wasn't pleasant; but when the
+    Division bell rang, TAY PAY had the satisfaction of walking,
+    alone amongst his Party, with the Gentlemen of England,
+    triumphantly vindicating the rights of carriage-folk against
+    tramway trabs. Long time since House of Commons witnessed a
+    scene so rich as this in material for reflection. <i>Business
+    done</i>.&mdash;TAY PAY declares against trams.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;Attendance on House gradually
+    diminishing; what with influenza, and Irish Land Bill in
+    Committee, Members gradually thinning off. No M.P. complete
+    without his influenza. Barks shall not be out of anything if
+    its humble, but conscientious Member can manage it; so I've
+    "took" the influenza, or the influenza's "took" me. Don't
+    exactly know how it came about. Anyhow, we're in bed together.
+    <i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Don't know anything about it.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page233"
+       id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span>
+
+    <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2>
+
+    <h4>[CONTINUED.]</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/233-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/233-1.png"
+             alt="Looking for a Seat." /></a>Looking for a Seat.
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, April 30th, "George Hotel,"
+    Billsbury</i>.&mdash;Spent yesterday and the day before in
+    chambers at the Temple. No work as usual. Think I shall give it
+    all up, and take entirely to politics. Yesterday afternoon a
+    Mr. RICHARDSON GROGRAM called on me by appointment. He had
+    written me a long letter stating that he had important
+    information to communicate to me with reference to my
+    candidature at Billsbury, and desired a short interview in
+    order to lay it before me, Said he was "a Billsbury man born
+    and bred, and naturally interested in everything that concerned
+    the welfare of the old place, though for family reasons he had
+    found it best to make the home of his riper manhood in the
+    Metropolis." I smelt a rat, but thought it best to give him an
+    interview. He is a tall man, with a dark beard, straight dark
+    hair, a sallow face and shifty eyes, and was dressed rather
+    like a dissenting clergyman. He was immensely genial in his
+    manner, said he had read every word of my eloquent speeches,
+    and thoroughly agreed with all I had said, though he himself
+    would never have been able to say it half as well. He then
+    asked me if I had heard of his "History of the Borough of
+    Billsbury" in four volumes. I asked him who had published it
+    and when, but he said he had been made the victim of intrigues,
+    and had not yet secured a publisher, though there was any
+    amount of money to be made out of the book. Would I like to
+    read it in MS., and give him my candid opinion of it? Excused
+    myself on the ground of great pressure of work. He talked like
+    this for about twenty minutes, and at last came to what he
+    called the chief purport of his visit. He said he had in the
+    course of his investigations, been fortunate enough to acquire
+    important and exclusive knowledge with regard to the early life
+    of Sir THOMAS CHUBSON and his chief supporters in Billsbury.
+    "If it is published," he continued, "it will absolutely blast
+    the prospects of Radicalism in Billsbury. I am not a grasping
+    man, but I must consider my family. Still, Sir, such is my
+    respect and liking for you, that I am willing to place a sealed
+    packet containing all these stories in your hands on payment of
+    £150 down." I told him that wasn't my way either of fighting a
+    constituency or of doing business, whereupon he became more
+    voluble than ever, and I had no end of a job to get rid of the
+    oily beast. JERRAM tells me to-day that he was once a
+    solicitor's clerk in Billsbury, and had to leave on account of
+    some missing money. Since then he appears to have lived a shady
+    life, varied by attempts at blackmail. Faugh!</p>
+
+    <p>Came down to Billsbury to-day, to attend the inaugural
+    dinner of the season of the Billsbury Cricket Club. I am a
+    Vice-President, and so is CHUBSON. The dinner was held in the
+    large room of the "Blue Posts Hotel." General BANNATYNE, an old
+    Indian, who is the President of the Club, was in the chair,
+    having CHUBSON on his right, and me on his left. Old CHUBSON,
+    to whom I was introduced, seems not half a bad old fellow, but
+    he can't speak a bit. The dinner was awful, everything as tough
+    as leather, and the Cabinet Pudding more beastly than any
+    Cabinet Pudding I ever tasted&mdash;which is saying a good
+    deal. CHUBSON proposed, "Prosperity to the Billsbury C.C."
+    "Politics," he said, "are like Cricket. We spend our time in
+    bowling overs." At this point a young Conservative, who had
+    drunk too much, shouted, "Ah, and you mostly change sides,
+    too"&mdash;an allusion to the fact that CHUBSON is believed to
+    have started in politics as a Tory. Somebody removed the
+    interrupter, and CHUBSON finished his speech all right, but the
+    incident must have annoyed him. I proposed "The Town and Trade
+    of Billsbury," and started by saying what pleasure it gave
+    anybody occupied in politics to take a part in a non-political
+    celebration like this. "My friend, Sir THOMAS CHUBSON," I said,
+    "and I have not met before, and I congratulate myself,
+    therefore, on having been introduced to him to-day. We shall do
+    our level best to bowl one another out, but I know we shall
+    play the game according to the rules, and in that spirit of
+    fair-play for which Englishmen in general, and Billsbury
+    cricketers in particular, are celebrated."</p>
+
+    <p>This was rather mixed, but it went very well. I think I took
+    the shine out of CHUBSON. Later on there was a shocking row
+    between two of the town-councillors, who got to loggerheads
+    over the question of the Billsbury Waterworks. It was smoothed
+    over, however, after everybody had shouted "No politics!" for
+    about ten minutes.</p>
+
+    <p>TOLLAND says we must begin to canvas a little soon. Horrible
+    work, but absolutely necessary.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>BOWLS.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(BY A BUFFER.)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Unfortunately (at bowls) one had to stoop to conquer:
+        it is that stooping which (except in politics) plays the
+        deuce with us after fifty."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>James Payn's Plea for Bowls</i>.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yes, PAYN, you are right&mdash;as you commonly
+            are&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>The vertebræ creak and the ribs seem to jar,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">When a man bends his back&mdash;after
+            fifty&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>If only to pull off his boots; he at length</p>
+
+            <p>Finds that curve in his spine is a strain on the
+            strength</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Of which middle-age must be thrifty.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But Bowls! Yes, my boy, it's a jolly old game,</p>
+
+            <p>Though athletic fanatics might vote it too tame,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">But sense is not baffled by bogies.</p>
+
+            <p>The Emerald Green and the "bowls" and the
+            "jack,"</p>
+
+            <p>Are beautiful&mdash;but for that bend in the
+            back&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">To those the young furies call
+            "fogies."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You have not to "sprint" o'er some acres of
+            grass,</p>
+
+            <p>To "slog" or to scamper, to "scrummage" or
+            "pass,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">At the risk of your ribs, or
+            "rheumatics";</p>
+
+            <p>You have not to treat your opponents like foes,</p>
+
+            <p>Or "go for" your rival's shin-bone or his nose,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">As do the aforesaid fanatics.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But how pleasant the "green" in the cool of the
+            day,</p>
+
+            <p>The tankard of stingo, the yard of white clay,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And the play and the chaff of good
+            fellows!</p>
+
+            <p>Although not a betting man howls out the odds,</p>
+
+            <p>And no ring of mad backers&mdash;like gallery
+            "gods"&mdash;-</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">About us insensately bellows.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yes, PAYN, the "crank in," and the "kiss of the
+            Jack,"</p>
+
+            <p><i>All</i>&mdash;save, as you say, that darned bend
+            in the back&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">About the old game is delightful.</p>
+
+            <p>We thank you for "trolling the bowl" once again,</p>
+
+            <p>Ah! it were a pleasure to play it with
+            PAYN&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">(By Jove, though&mdash;that loin-twinge
+            was frightful!)</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A THEATRICAL PLUNGE; OR, TAKING A HEDDA.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/233-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/233-2.png"
+             alt="A Powerful Cast." /></a>A Powerful Cast.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>A plunge indeed! but fortunately the swimmers are strong,
+    and able to save the suicidal Ibsenites. For my
+    part,&mdash;that is, as one of the audience drawn by
+    curiosity,&mdash;I should say that were it not for the
+    excellent acting of all concerned in the piece, and especially
+    of Miss ELIZABETH ROBINS as the Hanwellian heroine, IBSEN's
+    <i>Hedda Gabler</i> would scarcely have been allowed a second
+    night's existence at the Vaudeville. Miss ROBINS is so much in
+    earnest&mdash;as a true artist should be&mdash;that she excites
+    your curiosity to discover what on earth she is taking all this
+    trouble about; and thus she compels your attention. That the
+    result is eminently unsatisfactory is no fault of hers. The
+    piece itself is stuff and nonsense; poor stuff and "pernicious
+    nonsense." It is as if the author had studied the weakest of
+    the Robertsonian Comedies, and had thought he could do
+    something like it in a tragic vein.</p>
+
+    <p>In the last Act there is a situation reminding us strongly
+    of one short scene in <i>Caste; there</i>&mdash;so delicately
+    and touchingly treated by its author; <i>here</i>&mdash;so
+    repulsively treated by IBSEN. Let it be reduced to serious
+    burlesque, and let us have it played by PENLEY as <i>George
+    Tesman</i>, ARTHUR ROBERTS (with a song) as <i>Judge Brack</i>,
+    WEEDON GROSSMITH as <i>Ejlbert Lövborg</i>, Miss LOTTIE VENNE
+    as <i>Mrs. Hedda Tesman</i>, Mrs. JOHN WOOD as <i>Aunt
+    Juliana</i>, and Miss JESSIE BOND (with song and dance) as
+    <i>Mrs. Elvsted</i>. It is announced in the bill as "IBSEN's
+    Last Play." There's a crumb of comfort in this.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>QUEER QUERIES.</h3>
+
+    <p>OATMEAL PORRIDGE.&mdash;Would some Scotch housewife kindly
+    enlighten me as to the proper mode of preparing the above
+    delicacy? I fancy there must be some mistake about the method I
+    have hitherto adopted. Is it <i>really</i> necessary to "boil
+    for forty-eight hours, and then mix with equal quantities of
+    gin, Guinness's Stout, Gum Arabic, and Epsom Salts?" I have
+    followed this recipe (given me by a young friend, who says he
+    has often been in Scotland) faithfully, but the result is not
+    wholly satisfactory. I doubt whether genuine porridge should be
+    of the consistency of a brick-bat, or taste of
+    hair-oil.&mdash;UNDAUNTED.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page234"
+       id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/234.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/234.png"
+             alt="CLERICAL ÆSTHETICS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>CLERICAL ÆSTHETICS.</h3>
+        <p><i>Fair Parishioner</i>. "AND
+        DO YOU LIKE THE PULPIT, MR. AURIOL?"</p>
+        <p><i>The New Curate</i>.
+        "I DO NOT. ER&mdash;IT HIDES TOO MUCH OF THE FIGURE, AND I
+        LIKE EVERY SHAKE OF THE SURPLICE TO TELL!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"BLOOD" V. "BULLION."</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i2">"Well then, it now appears you need my
+            help.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Go to then: you come to me, and you
+            say,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'SHYLOCK, we would have moneys'&mdash;you
+            say so;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You that did void your rheum upon my
+            beard,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And foot me, as you spurn a stranger
+            cur</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Over your threshold: moneys is your
+            suit.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">What should I say to you? Should I not
+            say</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Hath a dog money?'"&mdash;<i>Merchant of
+            Venice</i>, Act I., Scene 3.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"With bated breath and whispering humbleness?"</p>
+
+            <p>Not so! There comes a season when the stress</p>
+
+            <p>Of insolent and exacting tyranny</p>
+
+            <p>Makes the most patient turn.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Autocracy,</p>
+
+            <p>Without the despot's vaunted virtue, pride,</p>
+
+            <p>Shows small indeed. Can Power lay aside</p>
+
+            <p>Its swaggering port, and low petition make</p>
+
+            <p>(Driven by those Treasury thirsts which never
+            slake)</p>
+
+            <p>For help from those it harries? PHARAOH's
+            scourge</p>
+
+            <p>Was the taskmaster's weapon, used to urge</p>
+
+            <p>The Hebrew bondsmen to their tale of toil,</p>
+
+            <p>But they round whom the Russian's knout thongs
+            coil,</p>
+
+            <p>Are of the breed of those the Russian palm</p>
+
+            <p>Can make petition to. Could triumph balm</p>
+
+            <p>The wounds of ages, here were balm indeed;</p>
+
+            <p>But blood revolts.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Race of the changeless creed,</p>
+
+            <p>And ever-shifting sojourn, SHAKSPEARE's type</p>
+
+            <p>Deep meaning hides, which, when the world is
+            ripe</p>
+
+            <p>For wider wisdom, when the palsying curse</p>
+
+            <p>Of prejudice, the canker of the purse,</p>
+
+            <p>And blind blood-hatred, shall a little lift,</p>
+
+            <p>Will clearlier shine, like sunburst through a
+            rift</p>
+
+            <p>In congregated cloud-wracks. <i>Shylock</i>
+            stands</p>
+
+            <p>Badged with black shame in all the baser lands.</p>
+
+            <p>Use him, and&mdash;spit on him! That's Gentile
+            wont;</p>
+
+            <p>Make him gold-conduit, and befoul the
+            font,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>That's the true despot-plan through all the
+            days,</p>
+
+            <p>And cackling <i>Gratianos</i> chorus praise.</p>
+
+            <p>"The Jew shall have all justice." Shall he so?</p>
+
+            <p>The tyrant drains, his gold, then bids
+            him&mdash;"Go!"</p>
+
+            <p><i>Shylock</i>? The name bears insult in its
+            sound;</p>
+
+            <p>But <i>he</i> was nobler than the curs who hound</p>
+
+            <p>The patient Hebrew from his home, and drive</p>
+
+            <p>Deathward the stronger souls they dread alive.</p>
+
+            <p><i>Shylock</i>? So brand him, boors and babbling
+            wags,</p>
+
+            <p>Who scorn him, yet would share his money-bags;</p>
+
+            <p>Who hate him, yet can stoop to such appeal!</p>
+
+            <p>Beneath his meekness there's a soul of steel.</p>
+
+            <p>High-featured, amply-bearded, see he stands</p>
+
+            <p>Facing the Autocrat; those sinewy hands,</p>
+
+            <p>Shaped but for clutching&mdash;so his slanderers
+            say&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>The huckster bait can coldly put away</p>
+
+            <p>"Blood against bullion." The Jew-baiting band</p>
+
+            <p>Howl frantic execration o'er the land;</p>
+
+            <p>Malign and menace, pillage, persecute;</p>
+
+            <p>Though the heart's hot, the mouth must fain be
+            mute.</p>
+
+            <p>The edict fulminates, the goad pursues;</p>
+
+            <p>Proscription, deprivation,&mdash;ay, they use</p>
+
+            <p>All the old tortures, nor are then content,</p>
+
+            <p>But crown the work with ruthless banishment.</p>
+
+            <p>And then&mdash;then the proud Muscovite seeks
+            grace,</p>
+
+            <p>And gold, from kinsmen of the harried race!</p>
+
+            <p>"He would have moneys" from the Hebrew hoard,</p>
+
+            <p>To swell his state, or whet his warlike sword;</p>
+
+            <p>Perchance buy heavier scourges for the backs</p>
+
+            <p>Of lesser Hebrews, whom his wolfish packs</p>
+
+            <p>Of salaried minions hunt.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Take back thine hand,</p>
+
+            <p>Imperious Autocrat, and understand</p>
+
+            <p>Gold buys not, rules not, serves not, salves not
+            all.</p>
+
+            <p>Blood speaks&mdash;in favour of the helpless
+            thrall</p>
+
+            <p>Of tyranny. Here's no tame <i>Shylock</i>: he</p>
+
+            <p>Shall not bend low, and in a bondsman's key,</p>
+
+            <p>Make o'er his money-bags with unctuous grace</p>
+
+            <p>To an enthroned enslaver of his race.</p>
+
+            <p>"Well then, it now appears you need my help".</p>
+
+            <p>(You&mdash;whose trained curs at my poor kinsmen
+            yelp!)</p>
+
+            <p>"What should I say to you? Should I not say,</p>
+
+            <p>"Hath a dog money?" Blood's response
+            is&mdash;"Nay!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A somewhat curious association of names and ideas occurs in
+    last week's <i>Sporting and Dramatic</i>, where there is an
+    illustration of some ceremony taking place which is described
+    as "The RAINE's Foundation May Day Celebration." Odd, that this
+    particular RAINE should always fall on the First of May.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page235"
+       id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/235.png"
+             alt="'BLOOD' versus 'BULLION.'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"BLOOD" <i>VERSUS</i> "BULLION."</h3>
+
+        <div class="poem">
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>"WELL THEN, IT NOW APPEARS YOU NEED MY HELP:</p>
+
+                <p>YOU THAT DID VOID YOUR RHEUM UPON MY BEARD,</p>
+
+                <p>AND FOOT ME, AS YOU SPURN A STRANGER CUR</p>
+
+                <p>OVER YOUR THRESHOLD; <i>MONEYS IS YOUR
+                SUIT.</i></p>
+
+                <p><i>WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO
+                YOU?"</i>&mdash;<i>Merchant of Venice</i>, Act I.,
+                Sc. 3.</p>
+            </div>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page237"
+       id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span>
+
+    <h2>ODE TO COMPENSATION.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>After</i> KIRKE WHITE.)</h4>
+
+    <p>"That blessed word&mdash;'Compensation.'"</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Come Compensation, come!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Not in thy terrors clad,</p>
+
+            <p>But in thy fairest, gentlest guise,</p>
+
+            <p>Thy "blessed" name but terrifies</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The "Templar" and the "Rad."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thou must not come as "Right,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That is&mdash;alas!&mdash;"too
+            steep."</p>
+
+            <p>The Law has put its foot hard down,</p>
+
+            <p>And "BUNG," so far, is quite done brown;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It makes the "Witler" weep!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>No "Vested Interest,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Whereon to found a claim?</p>
+
+            <p>And after all that we have done</p>
+
+            <p>To keep the Tories in the run!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It is a thundering shame!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We deemed Sir EDWARD CLARKE</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Knew what he was about;</p>
+
+            <p>We thought good GOSCHEN, sharp and slick,</p>
+
+            <p>Had "gently, gently done the trick,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We have been sold, no doubt.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But FORREST FULTON comes,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Sharp fellow that F.F.!</p>
+
+            <p>And in the Commons sneaks a vote</p>
+
+            <p>Which sticks hard in the "Temperance"
+            throat,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Dull churls, to justice deaf!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Come, Compensation, come!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Come in by the back-door,</p>
+
+            <p>Come unawares, come <i>anyhow</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>Only <i>do</i> come to smooth the brow</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of Wittlers weak and poor.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>GOSCHEN has played us false;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It makes our bosom ache.</p>
+
+            <p>But to abate our indignation</p>
+
+            <p>If he'll secure us Compensation,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Twill compensation make.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:70%;">
+        <a href="images/237-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/237-1.png"
+             alt="THE TRAINER INFORMS HIS LORDSHIP THAT HIS NEW PURCHASE 'WILL TAKE A LOT OF BEATING,'" />
+        </a>THE TRAINER INFORMS HIS LORDSHIP THAT HIS NEW PURCHASE
+        "WILL TAKE A LOT OF BEATING,"
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/237-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/237-2.png"
+             alt="AND&mdash;SO HE DID!" /></a>AND&mdash;SO HE DID!
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OVERHEARD AT EARL'S COURT.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>First Citizen.</i> And what did you see at the German
+    Exhibition?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Citizen</i>. A magnificent collection of German
+    pictures, many German manufactures, and several German
+    Bands.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First C.</i> Are these the only attractions?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second C.</i> No, there is some cleverly painted canvas
+    representing German scenery in the grounds.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First C.</i> Anything else?</p>
+
+    <p><i>/Second C.</i> I enjoyed the Switchback Railway.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First C.</i> I see&mdash;anything else?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second C.</i> Well, the Scenes in the Circle added to my
+    enjoyment, but, as an enthusiastic admirer of all that is
+    German, I do not consider them entirely necessary.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First C.</i> Anything further?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second C.</i> There are the lights and the company.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First C.</i> But of course these are superfluous?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second C.</i> From a German point of view&mdash;entirely
+    so. I consider them merely as fringe.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First C.</i> Exactly&mdash;and, were they not there, you
+    would extend as much patronage to the German
+    Exhibition&mdash;you would go there as frequently?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second C.</i> Yes&mdash;in spirit, if not in person.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First C.</i> And if for the German some other foreign
+    element were substituted?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second C.</i> No doubt I should be present quite as much
+    in person, but <i>not</i> in German spirit!</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page238"
+       id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)</h2>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/238-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/238-1.png"
+             alt="No. 475. A Day's Sport in the Olden Times. Ancient Mariner regrets that guns are not yet invented, wishes he'd brought a Bow and Arrow with him. J. Waterhouse, A." />
+        </a>No. 475. A Day's Sport in the Olden Times. Ancient
+        Mariner regrets that guns are not yet invented, wishes he'd
+        brought a Bow and Arrow with him. J. Waterhouse, A.
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/238-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/238-2.png"
+             alt="No. 138. Tootsy Pootsies. 'O dear, what is the matter with my poor feet!!' Edith Sprague." />
+        </a>No. 138. Tootsy Pootsies. "O dear, what is the matter
+        with my poor feet!!" Edith Sprague.
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/238-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/238-3.png"
+             alt="No. 518. A Practical Joke. 'I shall startle 'em if I go in suddenly dressed like this.' J.C. Horsley, R.A." />
+        </a>No. 518. A Practical Joke. "I shall startle 'em if I go
+        in suddenly dressed like this." J.C. Horsley, R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 129. "<i>Love in Winter</i>." By G.H. BOUGHTON, A. But a
+    poor sort of amusement for this nice young lady to be walking
+    out all alone with a big muff! eh? Mr. BOUGHTON, eh?</p>
+
+    <p>No. 292, <i>Bar-Maids Resting</i>. W.R. STEPHENS.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 346. "<i>Moor and Mountain</i>." By CHARLES STUART. The
+    name CHARLES STUART suggests "restoration," but this is a brand
+    new work. It is mostly mountain, and very little more.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 397. "Miss LYDIA LESLIE at her lessons" may be termed a
+    group of One or Little Daughter and Less Sons. G.D. LESLIE,
+    R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 410. Two horses in a field during a Snowstorm. Good
+    subject for a Tavern sign-board, entitled, "Two Out." EDWARD
+    STOTT.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 452. "Mrs. X&mdash;&mdash;," <i>i.e.</i>, a lady with a
+    good deal of dash. HUGH DE T. GLAZEBROOK.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/238-4.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/238-4.png"
+             alt="No. 167. Pott Luck; or, the Arch Archdeacon. W.B. Richmond, A." />
+        </a>No. 167. Pott Luck; or, the Arch Archdeacon. W.B.
+        Richmond, A.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 467. "<i>Angela Vanbrugh" playing the Fiddle; or, All
+    alone with her Beau</i>. EDWIN LONG, R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 558. Lady going out for a row. Odd sort of boat: Wherry
+    Funny. E. BLAIR LEIGHTON.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 630. "<i>Iona</i>." By COLIN HUNTER, A. Buy it, and in
+    <i>Iona</i> you'll own a good picture.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 664. "<i>La Cigale</i>." A sporting subject suggestive
+    of "Got nothing on." It is not a portrait of <i>La Cigale</i>
+    at the Lyric. H. RAE.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 714. Wind Lads and Wind-Lasses. FRANK DICKSEE, A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 743. "If I had a donkey what wouldn't go.". ALFRED W.
+    STRUTT.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 1006. A Little Duck. WILLIAM STRUTT. (Must be seen for
+    title to be appreciated.)</p>
+
+    <p>No. 1106. Hares Apparent. WILLIAM FOSTER.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 1108. <i>Napoleon leaving the room where Josephine is
+    fainting on the floor.</i> Short title, "Going Nap." LASLETT J.
+    POTT.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page239"
+       id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE ABC OF IBSENITY.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A is the ARCHER who booms in the <i>World</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>B is the Banner of IBSEN unfurled.</p>
+
+            <p>C the Commotion it makes for the minute,</p>
+
+            <p>D is the <i>Doll's House</i>, and all there is in
+            it.</p>
+
+            <p>E is the Eagerness shown in the fray,</p>
+
+            <p>F the Fanatics, who will have their way.</p>
+
+            <p>G is a Ghost, and oh! there are lots of 'em,</p>
+
+            <p>H is Heredity, making pot-shots of 'em.</p>
+
+            <p>I is the Ibsenite so analytic,</p>
+
+            <p>J is the Jeer of the Philistine critic.</p>
+
+            <p>K is a <i>Kroll</i>, and a Pastor is he,</p>
+
+            <p>L is a <i>Lady</i>, who comes from the Sea.</p>
+
+            <p>M is the Master, speak soft as you name him,</p>
+
+            <p>N stands for Norway, so eager to claim him.</p>
+
+            <p>O his Opponents, who speak out their mind,</p>
+
+            <p>P stands for <i>Punch</i>, where his dramas you'll
+            find.</p>
+
+            <p>Q is the Question, should <i>Rosmer</i> have wed
+            her?</p>
+
+            <p>R is <i>Rebecca</i>, who took such a header.</p>
+
+            <p>S is the <i>Speaker</i>, which gets quite
+            excited,</p>
+
+            <p>T is the Temper, it shows uninvited.</p>
+
+            <p>U the Unquestioning Faith of the some,</p>
+
+            <p>V is the Vaudeville, where they all come.</p>
+
+            <p>W stands for the Worshipping Few,</p>
+
+            <p>X their Xtreme disproportionate view.</p>
+
+            <p>Y ends Ibsenity, and, as everyone knows,</p>
+
+            <p>Z brings an alphabet rhyme to a close.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>The Diary of a Pilgrimage</i> occupies 175 pages of one
+    of ARROWSMITH's three-and-sixpenny books, and no doubt the
+    admirers of its author, Mr. JEROME K. JEROME, may possibly not
+    grudge this amount when gauging its value by its attractive
+    cover. It is "'ARRY Abroad," that's all. 'ARRY Abroad laughs
+    and talks loudly in foreign churches, sneers and jeers at
+    everything he does not understand&mdash;and this includes the
+    greater portion of all he sees and hears&mdash;chaffs puzzled
+    officials, and everywhere makes himself highly and
+    exceptionally popular. In this <i>Diary</i> 'ARRY is
+    occasionally rather amusing when he is endeavouring to be
+    either serious or sentimental, or both. 'ARRY serious or 'ARRY
+    sentimental, or 'ARRY sentimentally serious and expecting to be
+    taken at his own valuation, is of course delightful, only a
+    little of it goes a great way, and this Cockney pilgrim goes
+    too far, especially when giving us his valuable opinion on the
+    Passion Play. 'ARRY on the Passion Play, and the character of
+    JUDAS ISCARIOT! As <i>Hedda Gabler's</i> husband observes on
+    every possible opportunity&mdash;"Fancy <i>that</i>!" Only once
+    the Baron finds himself in agreement with the travelling 'ARRY,
+    and this happens when he says, "I must candidly confess that
+    the English-speaking people one meets with on the Continent
+    are, taken as a whole, a most disagreeable contingent." Yes,
+    certainly, when they are all 'Arries. Set an 'ARRY to catch an
+    'ARRY, and of course to the regular right-down 'ARRY all other
+    'ARRIES, not 'appnin' to 'ave the <i>h</i>onour of being 'is
+    own par<i>tics</i>, are detestably vulgar cads. The remainder
+    of the book, <i>i.e.</i>, 131 pages, is padded with essays, a
+    fact not mentioned on the outside of the work, which, like
+    charity, covers a multitude of sins. Whether this is quite a
+    fair way of stating contents, is a question which the Baron
+    supposes both Publishers and Author have thoroughly
+    considered.</p>
+
+    <p>Don't skip ELLEN TERRY's Memoirs in <i>The New Review</i>.
+    Nothing much in them, but delightfully chatty and amusing. See
+    <i>Murray's Magazine</i> for Mr. GLADSTONE on the <i>Murray
+    Memoirs</i>, in the number for the "Murray Month of May." When
+    you are routing about for something short and amusing, take up
+    the <i>Cornhill</i>, and read <i>A Flash in the Pan</i>. I have
+    commenced, says the Baron, my friend GEORGE MEREDITH's <i>One
+    of the Conquerors</i>. Now G.M. is an author whose work does
+    not admit of the healthy and graceful exercise of skipping.
+    Here the skipper's occupation is gone. G.M.'s work should be
+    taken away by the reader far from the madding crowd and perused
+    and pondered over. If Ponder's End is a tranquil place as the
+    name implies, then to that secluded spot betake yourself with
+    your GEORGE MEREDITH, O happy and studious reader, and ponder
+    in peace.</p>
+
+    <p>Since the time of <i>Richard Feverel</i>, which I shall
+    always consider his best, "of the very best" as ZERO of the
+    Monte Carlo Bar has it, G.M. has developed into a gold-beater
+    of epigrams. What once served him as a two-line epigram, is now
+    spread out over a couple of pages. Two volumes instead of three
+    would serve his turn far better, or rather the public's turn,
+    for his own is a very peculiar one. But to my task, says the
+    Baron, give me a slight refresher and a suck at the lemon as it
+    were, or a sip of the lemonade, and at him again. <i>Festina
+    lente</i>. More anon from</p>
+
+    <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ROBERT ON ENGLISH AND FOREIGN WAITERS.</h2>
+
+    <p>Well, things is cumming to a pretty pass, things is, when
+    I'm acshally told that, as it used to be said formerly, "No
+    Hirish need apply for nothing," so now, we are told, that no
+    English Waiters need apply at the Royal Nawal Xhibishun unless
+    he bes a German!</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/239.png"
+             alt="Robert the Waiter." /></a>
+
+        <h4>"Rule, Britannia, Britannia rules the Waves! For
+        Britons never, never, NEVER Shall be Slaves!"</h4><i>Robert
+        the Waiter</i>. "WHAT'S THIS! 'NO ENGLISH NEED APPLY!
+        GERMANS ONLY TAKEN'! THIS <i>IS</i> 'BRITONS NEVER SHALL BE
+        SLAVES' WITH A WENGEANCE!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I never knowed as Jack Tars, and Powder-Munkys, and Admerals
+    (as is so fond of Port, that they takes the werry name), was so
+    werry parshal to Germans, that they woud sooner go without
+    their dinners and tease, than be waited on by any other
+    gennelmen, most suttenly not. "<i>O contrare</i>," as the
+    French Waiters says. It 'ud be a jolly long time, I shood
+    think, before your real British Sailers wood learn to call a
+    Waiter a <i>Gasson</i>, tho' as it means, I'm told, a Boy,
+    there is sum little sense in it, coz there's, in course. Old
+    Boys as well as yung ones; but what on airth meaning is there
+    in a Kelner! as I'm acshally told all German Waiters insists on
+    being called! Why the thing's too absurd to tork about.</p>
+
+    <p>Besides the British Publick is used to our little ways, as
+    we are quite used to theirn, and they talk to us in that nice
+    confidenshal tone about the different wines, et setterer, as no
+    true Born Englishman ewer yet spoke to a Frenchman, much less a
+    German. No, no, the hole thing's a mistake, as will soon be
+    found out. And what a groce injustice to the native article.
+    These sollem-looking Germans, not content with pushing our poor
+    sons from their stools in our counting-houses, as
+    <i>Macbeth</i> says, must now cum and take the werry bread out
+    of their poor Father's mouths. Oh pale-faced shame, where's
+    your blush? And think too of their himperance. Why they are
+    acshilly a going for to have a hexibition of their own, here in
+    Lundon, and does anyone think as they'll write up on the gates,
+    "Only English Waiters need apply?" Why the hidear is ridiclous,
+    but where's the difference I should like to kno. No, no, no one
+    can kno better than I do, from a long and waried xperience,
+    from the Grand old City, the ome of ospitality and turtle soup,
+    to the "Grand" and "Metropole," the omes of lucksury and
+    refinement, that the British Public likes his British Waiter,
+    he likes his nice respecful ways, the helligent Bow with which
+    he ands him his At, and the graceful hair with which he
+    receeves his little doosure.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ROBERT.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page240"
+       id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span>
+
+    <h2>SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.</h2>
+
+    <h4>No. IV.&mdash;THE HUSBAND'S OLD SCHOOL-FELLOW.</h4>
+
+    <p>We will suppose that you are a young wife, and that your
+    husband is absent in the City during the greater part of the
+    day. One afternoon a card is brought in bearing the
+    inscription:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <center>
+        CAPTAIN CAULKER.
+    </center>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>United Service Club. The Hermitage, Coventry</i>.
+    </center>
+
+    <p>Which document is followed closely by a tall, well-groomed,
+    rather portly and florid stranger, with a military moustache,
+    who greets you with the utmost cordiality. "I happened to find
+    myself in this neighbourhood," he says, "and I could
+    not&mdash;I really could <i>not</i>&mdash;resist this
+    opportunity. My name, I venture to think, is a sufficient
+    introduction?"</p>
+
+    <p>It is nothing of the sort&mdash;but you are too shy and too
+    polite to admit it, so you merely murmur some incoherency. He
+    detects you at once. "Ah!" he cries, in good-tempered reproach;
+    "I see, I've been too sanguine. Now confess, my dear lady, you
+    haven't a <i>notion</i> who I am!"</p>
+
+    <p>Thus brought to bay, you own that you have no clue to your
+    visitor's identity&mdash;as yet. "Well&mdash;well," he says,
+    tolerantly, "Time is a terrible sponge&mdash;though I had hoped
+    that, even after all these years, your dear husband might have
+    occasionally mentioned the name of his old school-chum! I've
+    never forgotten <i>him</i>&mdash;no, all through the years I've
+    been in India I've never forgotten dear old WALTER!"</p>
+
+    <p>"But my husband's name is <i>WILLIAM</i>!" you say here.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/240.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/240.png"
+             alt="Captain Caulker." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"He was always WALTER to <i>me</i>, Madam, or
+    rather&mdash;WATTY. He was so like a favourite young brother of
+    mine, who died young. That drew us together from the first. Did
+    dear old WATTY never tell you how he saved my life once?... No?
+    So like him!&mdash;he wouldn't. But he did, though; yes, by
+    Gad, jumped into fifteen foot of water after me, and kept me up
+    when I was going under for the last time. Pardon me, but I see
+    a photograph upon your writing-table&mdash;surely, unless I am
+    wrong, that&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"That is a portrait of my only brother," you will say; "he
+    is out in India with his regiment&mdash;perhaps you may have
+    met him there?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Thought I knew the face&mdash;met him at Simla, several
+    times," says the Captain; "wonderful how small the world is!
+    But have you one of old WATTY's photos? I should so like to see
+    whether the dear old chap has altered ... Ah, I should hardly
+    have known him&mdash;and yet, yes, the same cheery, jolly look,
+    I can trace the boy there, I can see my old WATTY again! No
+    friends, my dear Mrs. GOSLING, like those we make in early
+    youth! And he never mentions me now? Ah! well, he has a very
+    charming excuse for forgetting the past&mdash;though I shall
+    tell him when I see him that I do think he might have
+    remembered his old school-friend a little better than he seems
+    to have done. Your servant informed me that he was seldom at
+    home quite so early as this, but I thought if I could not see
+    <i>him</i>, I would at least give myself the pleasure of making
+    the acquaintance of his wife, so I just ventured to come in for
+    five minutes."</p>
+
+    <p>"WILLIAM will be so disappointed to have missed you," you
+    say, eagerly; "can't you wait and let me give you some tea? He
+    may be back in half an hour."</p>
+
+    <p>"In half an hour? Well, 'pon my word, you tempt me very
+    much. I shouldn't like to go away without seeing him, but I
+    must send away my cab first&mdash;no, it's not outside, left it
+    at the corner of the road, as I wasn't certain of the
+    number&mdash;I s'pose I've got enough silver to&mdash;no, I
+    haven't, by Jove! <i>Could</i> you oblige me by change for
+    a&mdash;well, really, this is very awkward. I've positively
+    come out with only a shilling&mdash;thought it was a sovereign!
+    I shall have to ask dear old WATTY to accommodate me&mdash;I've
+    lent <i>him</i> many a half-crown in the old days. Absurd
+    predicament to be in, and if I keep my cabman waiting, I don't
+    know what he mayn't charge me. I took him three hours ago. I
+    tell you what, my dear Mrs. GOSLING; If you'll advance me a
+    sovereign, I could run out and settle with the fellow, and then
+    it won't signify <i>how</i> long I wait for WATTY. <i>Can</i>
+    you? Too good of you, I'm sure! WATTY will chaff me when he
+    hears I've been borrowing like this, ha, ha!" Here your ear,
+    sharpened by affection, catches a well-known turn of the
+    latch-key at your front-door. "Why, how fortunate!" you
+    exclaim, "here <i>is</i> my husband already, Captain CAULKER.
+    He will come in as soon as he has changed his shoes."</p>
+
+    <p>"Capital!" cries the Captain. "Look here, Mrs.
+    GOSLING,&mdash;I've just thought of a little joke. I want to
+    see if he'll <i>know</i> me. Now you go and talk to him a
+    little, and&mdash;presently, you know&mdash;say there's a man
+    in the drawing-room, who's come to wind the clocks, and then
+    I'll come in to where you are, and make believe to wind the
+    clock there&mdash;do you see? I'd bet anything he won't spot me
+    at first!"</p>
+
+    <p>You are young enough to be delighted at the idea of such a
+    pretty little comedy, and you trip away to the study, and
+    archly keep dear WILLIAM in conversation until the Captain is
+    ready to make his appearance. At last, a little impatiently,
+    you give the cue by mentioning that there is a clock-winder in
+    the drawing-room. WILLIAM is amusingly suspicious, and insists
+    on seeing the man. As the scene will be just as funny in the
+    drawing-room, you accompany him thither&mdash;but there is no
+    gallant Captain there affecting to wind your charming little
+    Sèvres clock (a wedding present)&mdash;he has gone,
+    and&mdash;alas! without leaving a timepiece for anybody else to
+    wind. And WILLIAM is <i>most</i> disagreeable and unpleasant
+    about it!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>NOTES FROM A NURSERY-GARDEN.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By an Awfully Clever Child</i>.)</h4>
+
+    <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,&mdash;I am a Poetess. I am told that the Age
+    is old, and that Poetry is over. <i>My</i> age is ten, and my
+    poetry is certainly not over. My nurse (one of those horrid
+    critics) has ventured to suggest that I am not original. I
+    leave you to judge. Yours impatiently, ENFANT TERRIBLE.</p>
+
+    <h4>N.W.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Alack! up Northern Primrose Hill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah,
+            GILL!</i>)</p>
+
+            <p>They climbed, and deemed it Helicon,</p>
+
+            <p>Those childish bards, GILLETTE and JOHN,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Their pails with Hippocrene to fill.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah,
+            GILL!</i>)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Adown that Western Hill, alack!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh,
+            JACK!</i>)</p>
+
+            <p>Or e'er they gained the Muses' well,</p>
+
+            <p>JACK kicked his bucket frail and, fell.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And GILL was brought upon her back.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh,
+            JACK!</i>)</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <h4>TO A SCENTY PEDE.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>How doth yonder miniature featness,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though wingless, with gossamer wit,</p>
+
+            <p>Foregather mellifluent sweetness,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">While Fates unrelenting permit&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Wise heir of bright hours, completeness</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of blossoms that flicker and flit.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <h4>ON A JAPANESE SCREEN.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In Yeddo, where long lilies weep, Bo' Peep</p>
+
+            <p>The shepherdess hath lost her sheep.</p>
+
+            <p>She recks not where the sheep have strayed, Poor
+            maid,</p>
+
+            <p>Beneath the Boodha-Temple's shade.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Her solace is the Minstrel's: <i>I'd</i> Let
+            slide</p>
+
+            <p>My flocks of verse without a guide.</p>
+
+            <p>So will they best return without A doubt&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Or tale that mortal can make out.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <h4>MISS MUFFET.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i10">So sweet!</p>
+
+            <p>Child-Innocence, with upward-curling feet</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">On buffet-seat,</p>
+
+            <p>Resolving (as we all resolve) to eat.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">So sad!</p>
+
+            <p>The ravening Spider from his eyrie mad</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Swoops, boldly bad,</p>
+
+            <p>And scares (as spiders scare) the Pure and Glad.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <h4>ON A KLEPTOMANIAC.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Ah, Violin Cremonian!</p>
+
+            <p>Ah, Pussy-cat of Ispahan!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Moo-cow that dost outmoon the moon!</p>
+
+            <p>Yes, dainty poodle, laugh away,</p>
+
+            <p>And mock the pranks poor mortals play</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who spoon the dish and dish the
+            spoon!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TO THE QUEEN OF MAYS.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Give me an elfin, frolic MAY,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No Queen with hoarse cadenzas,</p>
+
+            <p>Who pipes a frozen roundelay</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of spiteful influenzas.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>My</i> MAY shall air no voices crude.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No chained and chilly dances&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>With wordless harmonies endued</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And pirouetting fancies.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>She'll draw us round no Northern Poles</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With crowns of mimic roses.</p>
+
+            <p>That mock our sad sepulchral souls</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And counterfeit our noses.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But white as hawthorn blossom, free</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As air to shed her pleasures,</p>
+
+            <p><i>My</i> mute, melodious MAY shall be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The soul of wayward measures.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To put it plainly, while the ban</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of Spring on us and gales is,</p>
+
+            <p>I'll bask and smile and worship JEANNE</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Within the Prince of Wales's.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>CONSERVATIVE COMMENT ON A RECENT ELECTION (<i>after Mr.
+    Middlewick</i>).&mdash;"Humph! Inferior Dosset!"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, May 16, 1891, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100,
+May 16, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 16, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 1, 2004 [EBook #13348]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+May 16, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. XVII.--GASPS.
+
+(_BY_ OLPH SCHREION, _AUTHOR OF "SCREAMS," "THE ALLEGORY OF AN ASIAN
+RANCHE._")
+
+    ["You will perceive," writes the Author of the following
+    story, "that this is allegorical, but it is not by any means
+    necessary that you should understand it. The chief charm of
+    allegorical writing is its absolute freedom from the trammels
+    of convention. You write something large and vague, with any
+    amount of symbols thrown in. The words flow quite easily;
+    you cover scores of pages. Then you read it over again next
+    morning. If you understand it so little as to think some other
+    fellow must have written it, you may be quite certain it is
+    an allegory. When you print it, your public reads into it
+    all kinds of mysterious and morbid religious emotions, and
+    confused misinterpretations of life-problems, and everybody
+    tacks on his own special explanation. That being so, it is
+    quite unnecessary for you to explain things--which saves
+    a great deal of trouble. The plan is an excellent one. Try
+    it.--Yours, allegorically, O.S."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+TANT' SANNIE was stewing _kraut_ in the old Dutch saucepan. The
+scorching rays of the African sun were beating down upon BONAPARTE
+BLENKINS who was doing his best to be sun-like by beating WALDO.
+His nose was red and disagreeable. He was something like HUCKLEBERRY
+FINN's Dauphin, an amusing, callous, cruel rogue, but less
+resourceful. TANT' SANNIE laughed; it was so pleasant to see a German
+boy beaten black and blue. But the Hottentot servants merely gaped. It
+was their custom.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But in the middle distance Life was playing marbles with the Unknown.
+And the Unknown said unto Life, "Give me an alley-tor." But Life
+replied, "Nay, for the commoneys are lying well, and the thumb of
+him that aimeth is seasoned unto the stroke." And the Unknown beat
+his sable wings together, and one black feather flitted far into the
+breast of the day and fell to earth. And there came a fair-haired
+Child plucking flowers in the desert with brows bent in thought.
+
+And Life said unto the Child, "Play with me."
+
+And the Unknown said, "Play with me."
+
+But the Child raised its soft hand slowly and the tender fingers grew
+apart, and its thumb was poised in thought upon its nose, and it spake
+not at all. And the feather flitted far, far over the waste, and men
+came forth and gazed upon it, but it heeded them not.
+
+Then said Life, "I am strong. Kings have need of me and earth is
+my dominion." But the Unknown gathered up the scattered marbles,
+concealing them gently, and answered only this--"I am a greater than
+Life."
+
+And the Child strayed onwards and the feather flitted, and TANT'
+SANNIE still stewed _kraut_ in the old Dutch saucepan. And BONAPARTE
+BLENKINS was glad.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+Cruelty, cruelty, cruelty--all is cruelty! Boys are beaten; oxen
+are stabbed till the blood bursts forth; happy, industrious,
+dung-collecting beetles are bitten in two by careless, happy,
+beetle-collecting dogs--everything is wicked and cruel. The Kaffir
+has beautiful legs, but he will kick his wife, and TANT' SANNIE,
+alas! will not be there to drop a pickle-tub on his head. And over
+everything hangs that inscrutable charm which hovers for ever for the
+human intellect over the incomprehensible and shadowy. _Omne ignotum
+pro mirifico_, I might say, but I prefer the longer phrase.
+
+And I stood at the gate of Heaven, I and TANT' SANNIE; and we spoke
+to everybody quite affably; and they all had time to listen to what we
+said, and to make suitable replies.
+
+And I said, "Are we all here?"
+
+And she said, "Not all."
+
+And I said, "The absent are always in the wrong."
+
+And she said, "I have heard that in French."
+
+And I said, "Is not that impertinent?"
+
+And she said, "No."
+
+And a great Light fell across her face, as though a palm had smitten
+it, and the name of the palm was Hand, and its fruits were fingers
+five.
+
+And again I addressed myself in terms of familiarity to the
+Ever-lasting, and I planted a book upon the clouds, where eight
+children lay prone with bees flying about their childish bonnets.
+
+And there came a knock at my door.
+
+"Eight o'clock!" said One. "Arise!"
+
+"Nay," I answered; "it cannot be."
+
+"But the water is hot within the can, and the table will be spread for
+them that break their fast."
+
+"So be it. I rise." And behold it was a dream!
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+Far away the mother of the little nigger stood churning. Where is
+the mother of the little black nigger? She is churning slowly in the
+garden. But cannot the aunt of the good gardener churn herself? No;
+for she is in the orchard, plucking the apples, peaches, apricots,
+pears (_Birnen_), to give to the butler's grandmother.
+
+And there came Life and The Ideal walking hand in hand. And behind
+them came Wealth and Vastness singing together. And Infinity was
+there, and Health, and Wisdom, and Love. And Reflection was mounted
+on a steed with Joy. And many other shapes followed, delicately
+arrayed in fine linen. And helmet-wearing Men in Blue marshalled the
+procession. And they spake roughly, saying, "Pass away there, pass
+away there!"
+
+And I said, "Is this the Lord Mayor's Show?"
+
+And One said, "No."
+
+And I said, "Is it the Salvation Army?"
+
+And again One said, "No."
+
+And I said, "Is it SEQUAH?"
+
+And One said again. "No."
+
+And I said, "I have guessed enough."
+
+And One said, "Yes."
+
+But The Real was not there, and they passed away.
+
+And One said, "I am Wealth," which was absurd, but No-one laughed. And
+they all danced a fandango on the points of their toes. And a shaft of
+light lay over them. And they wandered on. At last they came to a bad,
+wicked naughty, brimstone place. And I said to Some-one, "I like this.
+It seems a good place." And still No-one laughed. And Wealth touched
+me, and I was glad. And I said, "Give me millions, or buy a box of
+matches," and Law seized me and took me to the Cell. Then I said to
+the Beak, "Your Worship." And the Beak said unto me, "Begging again.
+Forty shillings." And again I woke. And it was all a striving and a
+striving and an ending in Nothing.
+
+THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MLLE. JANE MAY.
+
+  "Au clair de la lune,
+  Mon ami PIERROT,
+  Prete-moi ta plume
+  Pour ecrire un mot."
+
+  _Prete-moi ta plume!_ Could wit borrow a feather
+  From Cupid's own pinion, 'tis doubtfullish whether
+  A "_mot_" might be made which should happily hit
+  The "gold" of desert; and Love, aided by Wit,
+  Though equal to eloquent passion's fine glow,
+  Might both be struck mute by the Muse of Dumb-Show.
+  That "actions speak louder than words" we all knew;
+  But now we may add, "and more gracefully, too."
+  _Performances_ fine _Punch_ has praised in his day,
+  But how few take the _pas_ of the _Promise_--of MAY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NATIVE RACES AND THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC."--An important subject strangely
+omitted at the recent meeting of this Society was "The Consumption of
+Champagne on the Derby and Oaks Days." The Duke of WESTMINSTER will
+take the earliest opportunity of rectifying this error.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BLEND.
+
+_The Wine Merchant_ (G-SCH-N). "I'M AFRAID SOME OF OUR OLD CUSTOMERS
+WON'T LIKE IT AT FIRST; BUT, WITH A LITTLE PERSUASION, I THINK I CAN
+GET 'EM TO TAKE TO IT KINDLY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOKIM THE CELLARER; OR, THE BLEND.
+
+AIR.--"_SIMON THE CELLARER_."
+
+  'Cute JOKIM the Cellarer keeps a large store
+    Of choice Party Spirits, d'ye see;
+  Scotch, Irish, and who can say how many more?
+    An eclectic old soul is he.
+  But mainly in "Blends" he is good, dark or pale,
+  For he knows without them his best bottlings may fail;
+  But he never faileth, he archly doth say,
+  For he well knows what tap suits the taste of the day.
+      And ho! ho! ho! his books will show
+      He oft taps the barrels of Brummagem JOE!
+
+  JOE sits all the time in his own still-room,
+    And a taster clever is he.
+  'Tis in vain that his enemies kick up a fume.
+    And swear he is half a Torie.
+  But there are sly meetings upon the backstair.
+  And watchers say JOE is oft gossiping there.
+  Now JOE distrusts someone who's Grand, and who's Old,
+  And says that he _must_ be kept "out in the cold."
+      And ho! ho! ho! old JOKIM doth know
+      That many a flask of his best comes from JOE.
+
+  'Cute JOKIM keeps blending JOE's taps and his own;
+    Though knowing harsh rumours are rife;
+  And Brummagem JOE is oft heard to declare,
+    Their partnership _may_ last for life.
+  And JOKIM says, "some call Brum JOE a bad chap,
+  But they'll soon learn to relish the taste of his tap,
+  And while I may Brummagem JOE call my friend,
+  I _think_ I shall customers find for our 'Blend.'"
+      While ho! ho! ho! he'll chuckle and crow;
+      "What, turn up Brum JOE, my boys? No! no! no!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Monday, May 4_.--ZELIE DE LUSSAN's _Carmen_ is about the best when
+all the other dear charmers are away, and in the character she will
+probably remain in possession of the field, or, rather, "the Garden,"
+till the end of the season. The remainder as before, with DEVOYOD
+as _Escamillo_. But what has become of the "go" in the _Toreador's_
+great song? Where are the double _encores_? Where, indeed, the hearty
+applause? Surely it has gone the way of the March in _Faust_, once
+so enthusiastically received and cheered to the echo; and now--"March
+off!" It is true that, once let a "tuney tune" become vulgarised by
+street-musicians, and organic disease would be sufficient to kill it
+were it not tortured and ground to death by remorseless hands. But
+the _Toreador's_ song and the March have not been the victims of an
+organised opposition. Perhaps, though, they may have been, only 'tis
+so long ago as not to be within the ken of the present deponent.
+Anyhow, the _Toreador's_ song goes for nothing nowadays, and yet 'tis
+as good as ever.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Thursday_.--We welcomed _The Don_. Not the Academic Don once so
+popularly represented by Mr. J.L. TOOLE, but MOZART's Italianised
+Spanish Don. _A propos_ of Mr. TOOLE, it has always been the wonder of
+his friends, to whom the quality of his vocal powers is so well known,
+that he has never been tempted to renounce the simple histrionic for
+the lyric Drama. It is said, and "greatly to his credit," that, had
+it not been for his unwillingness to rob his friend SIMS REEVES of the
+laurel-crown he wears as first English Tenor of his age, he would long
+ago have set up a most dangerous opposition to that sweet singer, and
+have ridden off victoriously with "_My Pretty Jane_" seated up behind
+him, pillion-wise, on the noble steed known as "_The Bay of Biscay
+O!_"
+
+But the above is an _entr'acte_, shorter than those at Covent Garden,
+by the way. M. MAUREL first-rate as the _Don_, both in acting and
+singing, even better in former than latter; but the dear old serenade,
+which never can be vulgarised, in spite of its popularity, was
+encored, and the encore was gracefully accepted, Signor BEVIGNANI
+being in the chair, and willing to tap the desk and announce,
+"Gentlemen! Monsieur MAUREL will oblige again!" Applause.
+
+If all the village maidens could dress in a costume such as Miss
+ZELIE-ZERLINA wears, then, to take the best and nicest view of it,
+that village must be uncommonly prosperous. Probably tourists' visits
+are not few and far between: but anyhow, even the most unsuspicious
+bumpkin of a lover, would be inclined to ask a few questions about
+this finery. However, her performance was as fine as the dress, and
+she looked quite the ZELIE-ZERLINA, so fascinating to the Lord and the
+Lout.
+
+_Saturday_.--_Romeo et Juliette_, that is, M. JEAN DE RESZKE and Mlle.
+EAMES. A nearly perfect performance. JEAN a trifle too stout for an
+ideal _Romeo_, but of course he couldn't go into training for the
+part at short notice. The spirit with which he played the part far
+outweighed the error of the flesh. Miss EAMES a charming _Juliet_
+in every way, though her singing of the waltz was not of dazzling
+firework brilliancy. Brother NED was the _Frere Laurent_. Excellent.
+The name Anglo-Frenchified, suggests a reverend gentleman who would
+meddle with legal marriages and perform private ceremonies without
+leave or licence from his Ordinary, and might be known as Brother
+Law-wrong, an Extra-Ordinary Friar. The House crammed full with an
+audience as brilliant as the performance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS.
+
+_Son of the House_. "YOU'RE NOT DANCING, MR. LAMBERT! DON'T YOU WISH
+TO?"
+
+_Mr. Lambert_ (_who is not so slim as he used to be_). "CERTAINLY--IF
+YOU CAN FIND ME A _CONCAVE PARTNER_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST SONG.
+
+    [Mr. SIMS REEVES was announced to sing "_Total Eclipse_" at
+    his Farewell Concert on Monday.]
+
+  Farewell! A most unwelcome word to all
+  Whom fifty years of charm have held in thrall:
+  Total eclipse--of pleasure on their part
+  Who love pure melody and polished Art.
+  Memory will echo long the silvery chime
+  Of such a voice as even ruthless Time
+  Might stay his stride to listen to, and spare
+  From the corroding touch. Some scarce will care
+  To hear "_Tom Bowling_" sung by other lips,
+  And when in tenor strains "_Total Eclipse_"
+  Sounds next upon our ears, SIMS REEVES will seem
+  To sing again to us as in a pleasant dream.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. McEwan.]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, May 4_.--Windbag SEXTON had fine
+opportunity to-night; made the most of it. SEYMOUR KEAY absent through
+greater part of sitting. Various rumours current in explanation of the
+happy accident. Influenza hinted at; but Grand Young GARDNER, who is
+familiar with both, says _Grippe_ much too knowing to link itself with
+Member for Elgin and Nairn. Towards Eleven o'Clock, rumour set at rest
+by appearance of KEAY. Simple explanation of temporary absence is,
+that he has been at home, drawing up a few more Amendments.
+
+In his absence. Windbag had it all to himself. How many speeches he
+has made through the dreary sitting am afraid to reckon up. Members
+going off to write letters, smoke a cigar, read evening papers, or
+dine, leave him on his legs, with one hand in pocket, and smile of
+serene satisfaction on face, prosing on. Coming back, they find him
+still in same position, apparently saying same thing. Has lately
+developed new oratorical charm. Constantly repeats his sentences, word
+for word. Everybody cleared out, even Mr. G., and JOHN MORLEY. Only
+Prince ARTHUR left languorous on Treasury Bench.
+
+"Drooping like a lily out of water," MCEWAN says. Not that he's given
+to tropes of the kind; but, being lately at a wedding feast smothered
+in flowers, some of them have got into his conversation.
+
+_Business done_.--In Committee on Irish Land Bill, but no forrader.
+
+[Illustration: W.H. Smith in his new character as Warden of the Cinque
+Ports and Constable of Dover Castle.]
+
+_Tuesday_.--"Do you think I ought to wear spurs, TOBY?"
+
+It was Old MORALITY who spoke. We were in his room at House; just
+torn ourselves away from Committee on Irish Land Bill, where, at the
+moment, oddly enough SEXTON chanced to be speaking. Old MORALITY
+has been made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports, and is trying on his
+uniform. Rather piratical arrangement; blue cloth coat with large
+brass buttons, red sash round his waist, with holster thrust in
+it, containing the horse-pistol with which PITT armed himself when
+he sat at the window of Walmer Castle, looking across the Channel,
+momentarily expecting to discover BONEY crossing in a flat-bottomed
+boat. The trousers are of scarlet, with broad braid of gold lace
+on outer seams. Finally there is a truculent cocked hat, which OLD
+MORALITY persists in putting on with the peak astarn. The dress
+is picturesque, and OLD MORALITY's figure lends itself to it with
+peculiar grace and fitness.
+
+"I fancy WELLINGTON wore spurs," the Lord Warden persisted.
+
+Yes, I point out; but PITT didn't, nor did PALMERSTON. Anyhow just
+as well not to begin with spurs. Might in time grow up to them, as
+it were.
+
+Wanted the Lord Warden to enter House in his uniform: sadly in need
+of sensation. One would certainly be provided if Old MORALITY were
+discovered sitting on Treasury Bench in his present costume.
+
+"No," he said, "they would think I was going to move or second the
+Address. Should like to get used to the clothes a little before
+appearing in them in public places."
+
+So go back to House myself, leaving the Lord Warden marching up and
+down, making believe he is on the ramparts at Walmer. Oddly enough,
+when I arrive Windbag SEXTON making a speech, the few Members present
+talking about Old MORALITY's promotion. A dangerous epoch in a man's
+life. People apt just then to discover all kinds of shortcomings, and
+reasons why the promotion should have fallen elsewhere. But no one
+grudges OLD MORALITY this high and ancient honour; a fresh chapter in
+the pleasant story of "Mr. SMITH," a new "Part of His Life." For five
+years he has sat on the Treasury Bench in succession to DISRAELI and
+GLADSTONE; now he will answer for the safety of the Cinque Ports in
+succession to PITT and WELLINGTON, DALHOUSIE and PALMERSTON. _Business
+done_.--OLD MORALITY made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports.
+
+_Thursday_.--"TAY PAY also among the Gentlemen of England!" exclaimed
+SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, for once almost moved out of his customary
+self-possession. It certainly seems so. Came about on Second Reading
+of London Tramways Bill; promoters want to bring tramway over
+Westminster Bridge, and along Embankment. DEMOS desires to go about
+his business on the tramway, and does not see why he should be
+arbitrarily stopped before he has accomplished his journey. Carriage
+folk say, No; let DEMOS and his penny tram stop at other side of
+the water, leaving the broad thoroughfare of the Embankment for what
+RADCLIFFE COOKE called "the gilded chariot."
+
+Debate gone forward for some time. No one expected to find TAY PAY in
+this Galley. Since his return from Ameriky hasn't opened his voice in
+debate; spoken in public only once. That was to his constituents in
+Scotland Road, Liverpool; announced with portentous blast in advance
+that then and there the anxious world should learn what side he took
+in the leadership controversy. Others had declared themselves, whether
+for Brer FOX or Brer RABBIT. The momentous issue of TAY PAY's decision
+required further deliberation. So all the world had to wait till
+TAY PAY came home and saw his constituents. Result not altogether
+satisfactory. As TIM HEALY put it, "TAY PAY showed disposition to hunt
+with Brer FOX and run with Brer RABBIT." If in the end Brer FOX won,
+nothing in TAY PAY's Scotland Road speech need prevent him returning
+to his allegiance. If Brer FOX remained under a cloud, he could jog
+along with Brer RABBIT. Been careful not to spoil the little game by
+taking part in debate in House.
+
+Now, on this London Tramways Bill, which touches neither Brer FOX
+nor Brer RABBIT, TAY PAY interposes. Conservatives snort impatiently
+when he rises; cry aloud for division; take it for granted that TAY
+PAY will back up DEMOS's demand for equal right of way. But TAY PAY
+has genuine little surprise in store; is loftily contemptuous of
+tramways, doncha. If they cross the bridge and approach the precincts
+of the West End, what is to become of carriage-folk? "A noisy and
+inconvenient system of locomotion," said TAY PAY, shuddering with
+disgust, as though he heard a coarse voice crying "Fares, please!"
+
+[Illustration: Demos.]
+
+House roared with laughter; RADCLIFFE COOKE talked about opposition
+"coming from Members who hoped to ride in gilded coaches"; CREMER
+rudely reminded TAY PAY that ten or fifteen years ago, he would have
+taken a very different view of the convenience of tramway cars. This
+wasn't pleasant; but when the Division bell rang, TAY PAY had the
+satisfaction of walking, alone amongst his Party, with the Gentlemen
+of England, triumphantly vindicating the rights of carriage-folk
+against tramway trabs. Long time since House of Commons witnessed
+a scene so rich as this in material for reflection. _Business
+done_.--TAY PAY declares against trams.
+
+_Friday_.--Attendance on House gradually diminishing; what with
+influenza, and Irish Land Bill in Committee, Members gradually
+thinning off. No M.P. complete without his influenza. Barks shall not
+be out of anything if its humble, but conscientious Member can manage
+it; so I've "took" the influenza, or the influenza's "took" me.
+Don't exactly know how it came about. Anyhow, we're in bed together.
+_Business done_.--Don't know anything about it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+[CONTINUED.]
+
+[Illustration: Looking for a Seat.]
+
+_Wednesday, April 30th, "George Hotel," Billsbury_.--Spent yesterday
+and the day before in chambers at the Temple. No work as usual. Think
+I shall give it all up, and take entirely to politics. Yesterday
+afternoon a Mr. RICHARDSON GROGRAM called on me by appointment. He had
+written me a long letter stating that he had important information to
+communicate to me with reference to my candidature at Billsbury, and
+desired a short interview in order to lay it before me, Said he was
+"a Billsbury man born and bred, and naturally interested in everything
+that concerned the welfare of the old place, though for family
+reasons he had found it best to make the home of his riper manhood in
+the Metropolis." I smelt a rat, but thought it best to give him an
+interview. He is a tall man, with a dark beard, straight dark hair, a
+sallow face and shifty eyes, and was dressed rather like a dissenting
+clergyman. He was immensely genial in his manner, said he had read
+every word of my eloquent speeches, and thoroughly agreed with all
+I had said, though he himself would never have been able to say it
+half as well. He then asked me if I had heard of his "History of the
+Borough of Billsbury" in four volumes. I asked him who had published
+it and when, but he said he had been made the victim of intrigues, and
+had not yet secured a publisher, though there was any amount of money
+to be made out of the book. Would I like to read it in MS., and give
+him my candid opinion of it? Excused myself on the ground of great
+pressure of work. He talked like this for about twenty minutes, and at
+last came to what he called the chief purport of his visit. He said
+he had in the course of his investigations, been fortunate enough to
+acquire important and exclusive knowledge with regard to the early
+life of Sir THOMAS CHUBSON and his chief supporters in Billsbury.
+"If it is published," he continued, "it will absolutely blast the
+prospects of Radicalism in Billsbury. I am not a grasping man, but I
+must consider my family. Still, Sir, such is my respect and liking
+for you, that I am willing to place a sealed packet containing all
+these stories in your hands on payment of L150 down." I told him that
+wasn't my way either of fighting a constituency or of doing business,
+whereupon he became more voluble than ever, and I had no end of a job
+to get rid of the oily beast. JERRAM tells me to-day that he was once
+a solicitor's clerk in Billsbury, and had to leave on account of
+some missing money. Since then he appears to have lived a shady life,
+varied by attempts at blackmail. Faugh!
+
+Came down to Billsbury to-day, to attend the inaugural dinner of the
+season of the Billsbury Cricket Club. I am a Vice-President, and so
+is CHUBSON. The dinner was held in the large room of the "Blue Posts
+Hotel." General BANNATYNE, an old Indian, who is the President of the
+Club, was in the chair, having CHUBSON on his right, and me on his
+left. Old CHUBSON, to whom I was introduced, seems not half a bad old
+fellow, but he can't speak a bit. The dinner was awful, everything
+as tough as leather, and the Cabinet Pudding more beastly than any
+Cabinet Pudding I ever tasted--which is saying a good deal. CHUBSON
+proposed, "Prosperity to the Billsbury C.C." "Politics," he said,
+"are like Cricket. We spend our time in bowling overs." At this point
+a young Conservative, who had drunk too much, shouted, "Ah, and you
+mostly change sides, too"--an allusion to the fact that CHUBSON is
+believed to have started in politics as a Tory. Somebody removed
+the interrupter, and CHUBSON finished his speech all right, but
+the incident must have annoyed him. I proposed "The Town and Trade
+of Billsbury," and started by saying what pleasure it gave anybody
+occupied in politics to take a part in a non-political celebration
+like this. "My friend, Sir THOMAS CHUBSON," I said, "and I have not
+met before, and I congratulate myself, therefore, on having been
+introduced to him to-day. We shall do our level best to bowl one
+another out, but I know we shall play the game according to the rules,
+and in that spirit of fair-play for which Englishmen in general, and
+Billsbury cricketers in particular, are celebrated."
+
+This was rather mixed, but it went very well. I think I took the shine
+out of CHUBSON. Later on there was a shocking row between two of the
+town-councillors, who got to loggerheads over the question of the
+Billsbury Waterworks. It was smoothed over, however, after everybody
+had shouted "No politics!" for about ten minutes.
+
+TOLLAND says we must begin to canvas a little soon. Horrible work, but
+absolutely necessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOWLS.
+
+(BY A BUFFER.)
+
+    "Unfortunately (at bowls) one had to stoop to conquer: it is
+    that stooping which (except in politics) plays the deuce with
+    us after fifty."--_James Payn's Plea for Bowls_.
+
+  Yes, PAYN, you are right--as you commonly are--
+  The vertebrae creak and the ribs seem to jar,
+      When a man bends his back--after fifty--
+  If only to pull off his boots; he at length
+  Finds that curve in his spine is a strain on the strength
+      Of which middle-age must be thrifty.
+
+  But Bowls! Yes, my boy, it's a jolly old game,
+  Though athletic fanatics might vote it too tame,
+      But sense is not baffled by bogies.
+  The Emerald Green and the "bowls" and the "jack,"
+  Are beautiful--but for that bend in the back--
+      To those the young furies call "fogies."
+
+  You have not to "sprint" o'er some acres of grass,
+  To "slog" or to scamper, to "scrummage" or "pass,"
+      At the risk of your ribs, or "rheumatics";
+  You have not to treat your opponents like foes,
+  Or "go for" your rival's shin-bone or his nose,
+      As do the aforesaid fanatics.
+
+  But how pleasant the "green" in the cool of the day,
+  The tankard of stingo, the yard of white clay,
+      And the play and the chaff of good fellows!
+  Although not a betting man howls out the odds,
+  And no ring of mad backers--like gallery "gods"---
+      About us insensately bellows.
+
+  Yes, PAYN, the "crank in," and the "kiss of the Jack,"
+  _All_--save, as you say, that darned bend in the back--
+      About the old game is delightful.
+  We thank you for "trolling the bowl" once again,
+  Ah! it were a pleasure to play it with PAYN--
+      (By Jove, though--that loin-twinge was frightful!)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A THEATRICAL PLUNGE; OR, TAKING A HEDDA.
+
+A plunge indeed! but fortunately the swimmers are strong, and able
+to save the suicidal Ibsenites. For my part,--that is, as one of the
+audience drawn by curiosity,--I should say that were it not for the
+excellent acting of all concerned in the piece, and especially of Miss
+ELIZABETH ROBINS as the Hanwellian heroine, IBSEN's _Hedda Gabler_
+would scarcely have been allowed a second night's existence at the
+Vaudeville. Miss ROBINS is so much in earnest--as a true artist should
+be--that she excites your curiosity to discover what on earth she is
+taking all this trouble about; and thus she compels your attention.
+That the result is eminently unsatisfactory is no fault of hers.
+The piece itself is stuff and nonsense; poor stuff and "pernicious
+nonsense." It is as if the author had studied the weakest of the
+Robertsonian Comedies, and had thought he could do something like it
+in a tragic vein.
+
+[Illustration: A Powerful Cast.]
+
+In the last Act there is a situation reminding us strongly of one
+short scene in _Caste; there_--so delicately and touchingly treated by
+its author; _here_--so repulsively treated by IBSEN. Let it be reduced
+to serious burlesque, and let us have it played by PENLEY as _George
+Tesman_, ARTHUR ROBERTS (with a song) as _Judge Brack_, WEEDON
+GROSSMITH as _Ejlbert Loevborg_, Miss LOTTIE VENNE as _Mrs. Hedda
+Tesman_, Mrs. JOHN WOOD as _Aunt Juliana_, and Miss JESSIE BOND (with
+song and dance) as _Mrs. Elvsted_. It is announced in the bill as
+"IBSEN's Last Play." There's a crumb of comfort in this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+OATMEAL PORRIDGE.--Would some Scotch housewife kindly enlighten me
+as to the proper mode of preparing the above delicacy? I fancy there
+must be some mistake about the method I have hitherto adopted. Is it
+_really_ necessary to "boil for forty-eight hours, and then mix with
+equal quantities of gin, Guinness's Stout, Gum Arabic, and Epsom
+Salts?" I have followed this recipe (given me by a young friend, who
+says he has often been in Scotland) faithfully, but the result is not
+wholly satisfactory. I doubt whether genuine porridge should be of the
+consistency of a brick-bat, or taste of hair-oil.--UNDAUNTED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CLERICAL AESTHETICS.
+
+_Fair Parishioner_. "AND DO YOU LIKE THE PULPIT, MR. AURIOL?"
+
+_The New Curate_. "I DO NOT. ER--IT HIDES TOO MUCH OF THE FIGURE, AND I
+LIKE EVERY SHAKE OF THE SURPLICE TO TELL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BLOOD" V. "BULLION."
+
+  "Well then, it now appears you need my help.
+  Go to then: you come to me, and you say,
+  'SHYLOCK, we would have moneys'--you say so;
+  You that did void your rheum upon my beard,
+  And foot me, as you spurn a stranger cur
+  Over your threshold: moneys is your suit.
+  What should I say to you? Should I not say
+  'Hath a dog money?'"
+
+_Merchant of Venice_, Act I., Scene 3.
+
+  "With bated breath and whispering humbleness?"
+  Not so! There comes a season when the stress
+  Of insolent and exacting tyranny
+  Makes the most patient turn.
+                              Autocracy,
+  Without the despot's vaunted virtue, pride,
+  Shows small indeed. Can Power lay aside
+  Its swaggering port, and low petition make
+  (Driven by those Treasury thirsts which never slake)
+  For help from those it harries? PHARAOH's scourge
+  Was the taskmaster's weapon, used to urge
+  The Hebrew bondsmen to their tale of toil,
+  But they round whom the Russian's knout thongs coil,
+  Are of the breed of those the Russian palm
+  Can make petition to. Could triumph balm
+  The wounds of ages, here were balm indeed;
+  But blood revolts.
+                    Race of the changeless creed,
+  And ever-shifting sojourn, SHAKSPEARE's type
+  Deep meaning hides, which, when the world is ripe
+  For wider wisdom, when the palsying curse
+  Of prejudice, the canker of the purse,
+  And blind blood-hatred, shall a little lift,
+  Will clearlier shine, like sunburst through a rift
+  In congregated cloud-wracks. _Shylock_ stands
+  Badged with black shame in all the baser lands.
+  Use him, and--spit on him! That's Gentile wont;
+  Make him gold-conduit, and befoul the font,--
+  That's the true despot-plan through all the days,
+  And cackling _Gratianos_ chorus praise.
+  "The Jew shall have all justice." Shall he so?
+  The tyrant drains, his gold, then bids him--"Go!"
+  _Shylock_? The name bears insult in its sound;
+  But _he_ was nobler than the curs who hound
+  The patient Hebrew from his home, and drive
+  Deathward the stronger souls they dread alive.
+  _Shylock_? So brand him, boors and babbling wags,
+  Who scorn him, yet would share his money-bags;
+  Who hate him, yet can stoop to such appeal!
+  Beneath his meekness there's a soul of steel.
+  High-featured, amply-bearded, see he stands
+  Facing the Autocrat; those sinewy hands,
+  Shaped but for clutching--so his slanderers say--
+  The huckster bait can coldly put away
+  "Blood against bullion." The Jew-baiting band
+  Howl frantic execration o'er the land;
+  Malign and menace, pillage, persecute;
+  Though the heart's hot, the mouth must fain be mute.
+  The edict fulminates, the goad pursues;
+  Proscription, deprivation,--ay, they use
+  All the old tortures, nor are then content,
+  But crown the work with ruthless banishment.
+  And then--then the proud Muscovite seeks grace,
+  And gold, from kinsmen of the harried race!
+  "He would have moneys" from the Hebrew hoard,
+  To swell his state, or whet his warlike sword;
+  Perchance buy heavier scourges for the backs
+  Of lesser Hebrews, whom his wolfish packs
+  Of salaried minions hunt.
+                           Take back thine hand,
+  Imperious Autocrat, and understand
+  Gold buys not, rules not, serves not, salves not all.
+  Blood speaks--in favour of the helpless thrall
+  Of tyranny. Here's no tame _Shylock_: he
+  Shall not bend low, and in a bondsman's key,
+  Make o'er his money-bags with unctuous grace
+  To an enthroned enslaver of his race.
+  "Well then, it now appears you need my help".
+  (You--whose trained curs at my poor kinsmen yelp!)
+  "What should I say to you? Should I not say,
+  "Hath a dog money?" Blood's response is--"Nay!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A somewhat curious association of names and ideas occurs in last
+week's _Sporting and Dramatic_, where there is an illustration of some
+ceremony taking place which is described as "The RAINE's Foundation
+May Day Celebration." Odd, that this particular RAINE should always
+fall on the First of May.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BLOOD" _VERSUS_ "BULLION."
+
+"WELL THEN, IT NOW APPEARS YOU NEED MY HELP: YOU THAT DID VOID
+YOUR RHEUM UPON MY BEARD, AND FOOT ME, AS YOU SPURN A STRANGER CUR
+OVER YOUR THRESHOLD; _MONEYS IS YOUR SUIT. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO
+YOU?"_--_Merchant of Venice_, Act I., Sc. 3.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODE TO COMPENSATION.
+
+(_AFTER_ KIRKE WHITE.)
+
+"That blessed word--'Compensation.'"
+
+  Come Compensation, come!
+    Not in thy terrors clad,
+  But in thy fairest, gentlest guise,
+  Thy "blessed" name but terrifies
+    The "Templar" and the "Rad."
+
+  Thou must not come as "Right,"
+    That is--alas!--"too steep."
+  The Law has put its foot hard down,
+  And "BUNG," so far, is quite done brown;
+    It makes the "Witler" weep!
+
+  No "Vested Interest,"
+    Whereon to found a claim?
+  And after all that we have done
+  To keep the Tories in the run!
+    It is a thundering shame!
+
+  We deemed Sir EDWARD CLARKE
+    Knew what he was about;
+  We thought good GOSCHEN, sharp and slick,
+  Had "gently, gently done the trick,"
+    We have been sold, no doubt.
+
+  But FORREST FULTON comes,--
+   Sharp fellow that F.F.!
+  And in the Commons sneaks a vote
+  Which sticks hard in the "Temperance" throat,--
+    Dull churls, to justice deaf!
+
+  Come, Compensation, come!
+   Come in by the back-door,
+  Come unawares, come _anyhow_,
+  Only _do_ come to smooth the brow
+    Of Wittlers weak and poor.
+
+  GOSCHEN has played us false;
+   It makes our bosom ache.
+  But to abate our indignation
+  If he'll secure us Compensation,
+    'Twill compensation make.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TRAINER INFORMS HIS LORDSHIP THAT HIS NEW PURCHASE
+"WILL TAKE A LOT OF BEATING,"]
+
+[Illustration: AND--SO HE DID!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVERHEARD AT EARL'S COURT.
+
+_First Citizen._ And what did you see at the German Exhibition?
+
+_Second Citizen_. A magnificent collection of German pictures, many
+German manufactures, and several German Bands.
+
+_First C._ Are these the only attractions?
+
+_Second C._ No, there is some cleverly painted canvas representing
+German scenery in the grounds.
+
+_First C._ Anything else?
+
+_/Second C._ I enjoyed the Switchback Railway.
+
+_First C._ I see--anything else?
+
+_Second C._ Well, the Scenes in the Circle added to my enjoyment, but,
+as an enthusiastic admirer of all that is German, I do not consider
+them entirely necessary.
+
+_First C._ Anything further?
+
+_Second C._ There are the lights and the company.
+
+_First C._ But of course these are superfluous?
+
+_Second C._ From a German point of view--entirely so. I consider them
+merely as fringe.
+
+_First C._ Exactly--and, were they not there, you would extend as much
+patronage to the German Exhibition--you would go there as frequently?
+
+_Second C._ Yes--in spirit, if not in person.
+
+_First C._ And if for the German some other foreign element were
+substituted?
+
+_Second C._ No doubt I should be present quite as much in person, but
+_not_ in German spirit!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)
+
+[Illustration: No. 475. A Day's Sport in the Olden Times. Ancient
+Mariner regrets that guns are not yet invented, wishes he'd brought a
+Bow and Arrow with him. J. Waterhouse, A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 138. Tootsy Pootsies. "O dear, what is the matter
+with my poor feet!!" Edith Sprague.]
+
+No. 129. "_Love in Winter_." By G.H. BOUGHTON, A. But a poor sort of
+amusement for this nice young lady to be walking out all alone with a
+big muff! eh? Mr. BOUGHTON, eh?
+
+No. 292, _Bar-Maids Resting_. W.R. STEPHENS.
+
+No. 346. "_Moor and Mountain_." By CHARLES STUART. The name CHARLES
+STUART suggests "restoration," but this is a brand new work. It is
+mostly mountain, and very little more.
+
+No. 397. "Miss LYDIA LESLIE at her lessons" may be termed a group of
+One or Little Daughter and Less Sons. G.D. LESLIE, R.A.
+
+No. 410. Two horses in a field during a Snowstorm. Good subject for a
+Tavern sign-board, entitled, "Two Out." EDWARD STOTT.
+
+No. 452. "Mrs. X----," i.e., a lady with a good deal of dash. HUGH DE
+T. GLAZEBROOK.
+
+[Illustration: No. 518. A Practical Joke. "I shall startle 'em if I go
+in suddenly dressed like this." J.C. Horsley, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 167. Pott Luck; or, the Arch Archdeacon. W.B.
+Richmond, A.]
+
+No. 467. "_Angela Vanbrugh" playing the Fiddle; or, All alone with her
+Beau_. EDWIN LONG, R.A.
+
+No. 558. Lady going out for a row. Odd sort of boat: Wherry Funny. E.
+BLAIR LEIGHTON.
+
+No. 630. "_Iona_." By COLIN HUNTER, A. Buy it, and in _Iona_ you'll
+own a good picture.
+
+No. 664. "_La Cigale_." A sporting subject suggestive of "Got nothing
+on." It is not a portrait of _La Cigale_ at the Lyric. H. RAE.
+
+No. 714. Wind Lads and Wind-Lasses. FRANK DICKSEE, A.
+
+No. 743. "If I had a donkey what wouldn't go.". ALFRED W. STRUTT.
+
+No. 1006. A Little Duck. WILLIAM STRUTT. (Must be seen for title to be
+appreciated.)
+
+No. 1106. Hares Apparent. WILLIAM FOSTER.
+
+No. 1108. _Napoleon leaving the room where Josephine is fainting on
+the floor._ Short title, "Going Nap." LASLETT J. POTT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ABC OF IBSENITY.
+
+  A is the ARCHER who booms in the _World_,
+  B is the Banner of IBSEN unfurled.
+  C the Commotion it makes for the minute,
+  D is the _Doll's House_, and all there is in it.
+  E is the Eagerness shown in the fray,
+  F the Fanatics, who will have their way.
+  G is a Ghost, and oh! there are lots of 'em,
+  H is Heredity, making pot-shots of 'em.
+  I is the Ibsenite so analytic,
+  J is the Jeer of the Philistine critic.
+  K is a _Kroll_, and a Pastor is he,
+  L is a _Lady_, who comes from the Sea.
+  M is the Master, speak soft as you name him,
+  N stands for Norway, so eager to claim him.
+  O his Opponents, who speak out their mind,
+  P stands for _Punch_, where his dramas you'll find.
+  Q is the Question, should _Rosmer_ have wed her?
+  R is _Rebecca_, who took such a header.
+  S is the _Speaker_, which gets quite excited,
+  T is the Temper, it shows uninvited.
+  U the Unquestioning Faith of the some,
+  V is the Vaudeville, where they all come.
+  W stands for the Worshipping Few,
+  X their Xtreme disproportionate view.
+  Y ends Ibsenity, and, as everyone knows,
+  Z brings an alphabet rhyme to a close.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_The Diary of a Pilgrimage_ occupies 175 pages of one of ARROWSMITH's
+three-and-sixpenny books, and no doubt the admirers of its author, Mr.
+JEROME K. JEROME, may possibly not grudge this amount when gauging its
+value by its attractive cover. It is "'ARRY Abroad," that's all. 'ARRY
+Abroad laughs and talks loudly in foreign churches, sneers and jeers
+at everything he does not understand--and this includes the greater
+portion of all he sees and hears--chaffs puzzled officials, and
+everywhere makes himself highly and exceptionally popular. In this
+_Diary_ 'ARRY is occasionally rather amusing when he is endeavouring
+to be either serious or sentimental, or both. 'ARRY serious or 'ARRY
+sentimental, or 'ARRY sentimentally serious and expecting to be taken
+at his own valuation, is of course delightful, only a little of it
+goes a great way, and this Cockney pilgrim goes too far, especially
+when giving us his valuable opinion on the Passion Play. 'ARRY on the
+Passion Play, and the character of JUDAS ISCARIOT! As _Hedda Gabler's_
+husband observes on every possible opportunity--"Fancy _that_!" Only
+once the Baron finds himself in agreement with the travelling 'ARRY,
+and this happens when he says, "I must candidly confess that the
+English-speaking people one meets with on the Continent are, taken as
+a whole, a most disagreeable contingent." Yes, certainly, when they
+are all 'Arries. Set an 'ARRY to catch an 'ARRY, and of course to the
+regular right-down 'ARRY all other 'ARRIES, not 'appnin' to 'ave the
+_h_onour of being 'is own par_tics_, are detestably vulgar cads. The
+remainder of the book, i.e., 131 pages, is padded with essays, a fact
+not mentioned on the outside of the work, which, like charity, covers
+a multitude of sins. Whether this is quite a fair way of stating
+contents, is a question which the Baron supposes both Publishers and
+Author have thoroughly considered.
+
+Don't skip ELLEN TERRY's Memoirs in _The New Review_. Nothing much in
+them, but delightfully chatty and amusing. See _Murray's Magazine_ for
+Mr. GLADSTONE on the _Murray Memoirs_, in the number for the "Murray
+Month of May." When you are routing about for something short and
+amusing, take up the _Cornhill_, and read _A Flash in the Pan_. I
+have commenced, says the Baron, my friend GEORGE MEREDITH's _One of
+the Conquerors_. Now G.M. is an author whose work does not admit of
+the healthy and graceful exercise of skipping. Here the skipper's
+occupation is gone. G.M.'s work should be taken away by the reader far
+from the madding crowd and perused and pondered over. If Ponder's End
+is a tranquil place as the name implies, then to that secluded spot
+betake yourself with your GEORGE MEREDITH, O happy and studious
+reader, and ponder in peace.
+
+Since the time of _Richard Feverel_, which I shall always consider his
+best, "of the very best" as ZERO of the Monte Carlo Bar has it, G.M.
+has developed into a gold-beater of epigrams. What once served him
+as a two-line epigram, is now spread out over a couple of pages. Two
+volumes instead of three would serve his turn far better, or rather
+the public's turn, for his own is a very peculiar one. But to my task,
+says the Baron, give me a slight refresher and a suck at the lemon as
+it were, or a sip of the lemonade, and at him again. _Festina lente_.
+More anon from
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON ENGLISH AND FOREIGN WAITERS.
+
+Well, things is cumming to a pretty pass, things is, when I'm acshally
+told that, as it used to be said formerly, "No Hirish need apply for
+nothing," so now, we are told, that no English Waiters need apply at
+the Royal Nawal Xhibishun unless he bes a German!
+
+[Illustration: "RULE, BRITANNIA, BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES! FOR
+BRITONS NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SHALL BE SLAVES!"
+
+_Robert the Waiter_. "WHAT'S THIS! 'NO ENGLISH NEED APPLY! GERMANS
+ONLY TAKEN'! THIS _IS_ 'BRITONS NEVER SHALL BE SLAVES' WITH A
+WENGEANCE!"]
+
+I never knowed as Jack Tars, and Powder-Munkys, and Admerals (as is so
+fond of Port, that they takes the werry name), was so werry parshal
+to Germans, that they woud sooner go without their dinners and tease,
+than be waited on by any other gennelmen, most suttenly not. "_O
+contrare_," as the French Waiters says. It 'ud be a jolly long time,
+I shood think, before your real British Sailers wood learn to call
+a Waiter a _Gasson_, tho' as it means, I'm told, a Boy, there is sum
+little sense in it, coz there's, in course. Old Boys as well as yung
+ones; but what on airth meaning is there in a Kelner! as I'm acshally
+told all German Waiters insists on being called! Why the thing's too
+absurd to tork about.
+
+Besides the British Publick is used to our little ways, as we are
+quite used to theirn, and they talk to us in that nice confidenshal
+tone about the different wines, et setterer, as no true Born
+Englishman ewer yet spoke to a Frenchman, much less a German. No,
+no, the hole thing's a mistake, as will soon be found out. And what a
+groce injustice to the native article. These sollem-looking Germans,
+not content with pushing our poor sons from their stools in our
+counting-houses, as _Macbeth_ says, must now cum and take the werry
+bread out of their poor Father's mouths. Oh pale-faced shame, where's
+your blush? And think too of their himperance. Why they are acshilly a
+going for to have a hexibition of their own, here in Lundon, and does
+anyone think as they'll write up on the gates, "Only English Waiters
+need apply?" Why the hidear is ridiclous, but where's the difference
+I should like to kno. No, no, no one can kno better than I do, from
+a long and waried xperience, from the Grand old City, the ome of
+ospitality and turtle soup, to the "Grand" and "Metropole," the omes
+of lucksury and refinement, that the British Public likes his British
+Waiter, he likes his nice respecful ways, the helligent Bow with which
+he ands him his At, and the graceful hair with which he receeves his
+little doosure.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.
+
+NO. IV.--THE HUSBAND'S OLD SCHOOL-FELLOW.
+
+We will suppose that you are a young wife, and that your husband is
+absent in the City during the greater part of the day. One afternoon a
+card is brought in bearing the inscription:--
+
+CAPTAIN CAULKER.
+
+_United Service Club. The Hermitage, Coventry_.
+
+Which document is followed closely by a tall, well-groomed, rather
+portly and florid stranger, with a military moustache, who greets
+you with the utmost cordiality. "I happened to find myself in
+this neighbourhood," he says, "and I could not--I really could
+_not_--resist this opportunity. My name, I venture to think, is a
+sufficient introduction?"
+
+It is nothing of the sort--but you are too shy and too polite to admit
+it, so you merely murmur some incoherency. He detects you at once.
+"Ah!" he cries, in good-tempered reproach; "I see, I've been too
+sanguine. Now confess, my dear lady, you haven't a _notion_ who I am!"
+
+Thus brought to bay, you own that you have no clue to your visitor's
+identity--as yet. "Well--well," he says, tolerantly, "Time is a
+terrible sponge--though I had hoped that, even after all these years,
+your dear husband might have occasionally mentioned the name of his
+old school-chum! I've never forgotten _him_--no, all through the years
+I've been in India I've never forgotten dear old WALTER!"
+
+"But my husband's name is _WILLIAM_!" you say here.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"He was always WALTER to _me_, Madam, or rather--WATTY. He was so
+like a favourite young brother of mine, who died young. That drew
+us together from the first. Did dear old WATTY never tell you how
+he saved my life once?... No? So like him!--he wouldn't. But he did,
+though; yes, by Gad, jumped into fifteen foot of water after me, and
+kept me up when I was going under for the last time. Pardon me, but I
+see a photograph upon your writing-table--surely, unless I am wrong,
+that--"
+
+"That is a portrait of my only brother," you will say; "he is out in
+India with his regiment--perhaps you may have met him there?"
+
+"Thought I knew the face--met him at Simla, several times," says the
+Captain; "wonderful how small the world is! But have you one of old
+WATTY's photos? I should so like to see whether the dear old chap has
+altered ... Ah, I should hardly have known him--and yet, yes, the same
+cheery, jolly look, I can trace the boy there, I can see my old WATTY
+again! No friends, my dear Mrs. GOSLING, like those we make in early
+youth! And he never mentions me now? Ah! well, he has a very charming
+excuse for forgetting the past--though I shall tell him when I see
+him that I do think he might have remembered his old school-friend
+a little better than he seems to have done. Your servant informed me
+that he was seldom at home quite so early as this, but I thought if
+I could not see _him_, I would at least give myself the pleasure of
+making the acquaintance of his wife, so I just ventured to come in for
+five minutes."
+
+"WILLIAM will be so disappointed to have missed you," you say,
+eagerly; "can't you wait and let me give you some tea? He may be back
+in half an hour."
+
+"In half an hour? Well, 'pon my word, you tempt me very much. I
+shouldn't like to go away without seeing him, but I must send away my
+cab first--no, it's not outside, left it at the corner of the road,
+as I wasn't certain of the number--I s'pose I've got enough silver
+to--no, I haven't, by Jove! _Could_ you oblige me by change for
+a--well, really, this is very awkward. I've positively come out with
+only a shilling--thought it was a sovereign! I shall have to ask dear
+old WATTY to accommodate me--I've lent _him_ many a half-crown in
+the old days. Absurd predicament to be in, and if I keep my cabman
+waiting, I don't know what he mayn't charge me. I took him three hours
+ago. I tell you what, my dear Mrs. GOSLING; If you'll advance me a
+sovereign, I could run out and settle with the fellow, and then it
+won't signify _how_ long I wait for WATTY. _Can_ you? Too good of
+you, I'm sure! WATTY will chaff me when he hears I've been borrowing
+like this, ha, ha!" Here your ear, sharpened by affection, catches
+a well-known turn of the latch-key at your front-door. "Why, how
+fortunate!" you exclaim, "here _is_ my husband already, Captain
+CAULKER. He will come in as soon as he has changed his shoes."
+
+"Capital!" cries the Captain. "Look here, Mrs. GOSLING,--I've just
+thought of a little joke. I want to see if he'll _know_ me. Now you go
+and talk to him a little, and--presently, you know--say there's a man
+in the drawing-room, who's come to wind the clocks, and then I'll come
+in to where you are, and make believe to wind the clock there--do you
+see? I'd bet anything he won't spot me at first!"
+
+You are young enough to be delighted at the idea of such a pretty
+little comedy, and you trip away to the study, and archly keep
+dear WILLIAM in conversation until the Captain is ready to make
+his appearance. At last, a little impatiently, you give the cue by
+mentioning that there is a clock-winder in the drawing-room. WILLIAM
+is amusingly suspicious, and insists on seeing the man. As the
+scene will be just as funny in the drawing-room, you accompany him
+thither--but there is no gallant Captain there affecting to wind
+your charming little Sevres clock (a wedding present)--he has gone,
+and--alas! without leaving a timepiece for anybody else to wind. And
+WILLIAM is _most_ disagreeable and unpleasant about it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES FROM A NURSERY-GARDEN.
+
+(_BY AN AWFULLY CLEVER CHILD_.)
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I am a Poetess. I am told that the Age is old, and
+that Poetry is over. _My_ age is ten, and my poetry is certainly not
+over. My nurse (one of those horrid critics) has ventured to suggest
+that I am not original. I leave you to judge. Yours impatiently,
+ENFANT TERRIBLE.
+
+N.W.
+
+  Alack! up Northern Primrose Hill
+    (_Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah, GILL!_)
+  They climbed, and deemed it Helicon,
+  Those childish bards, GILLETTE and JOHN,
+    Their pails with Hippocrene to fill.
+    (_Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah, GILL!_)
+
+  Adown that Western Hill, alack!
+    (_Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh, JACK!_)
+  Or e'er they gained the Muses' well,
+  JACK kicked his bucket frail and, fell.
+    And GILL was brought upon her back.
+    (_Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh, JACK!_)
+
+TO A SCENTY PEDE.
+
+  How doth yonder miniature featness,
+    Though wingless, with gossamer wit,
+  Foregather mellifluent sweetness,
+    While Fates unrelenting permit--
+  Wise heir of bright hours, completeness
+    Of blossoms that flicker and flit.
+
+ON A JAPANESE SCREEN.
+
+  In Yeddo, where long lilies weep, Bo' Peep
+  The shepherdess hath lost her sheep.
+  She recks not where the sheep have strayed, Poor maid,
+  Beneath the Boodha-Temple's shade.
+
+  Her solace is the Minstrel's: _I'd_ Let slide
+  My flocks of verse without a guide.
+  So will they best return without A doubt--
+  Or tale that mortal can make out.
+
+MISS MUFFET.
+
+            So sweet!
+  Child-Innocence, with upward-curling feet
+            On buffet-seat,
+  Resolving (as we all resolve) to eat.
+            So sad!
+  The ravening Spider from his eyrie mad
+            Swoops, boldly bad,
+  And scares (as spiders scare) the Pure and Glad.
+
+ON A KLEPTOMANIAC.
+
+  Ah, Violin Cremonian!
+  Ah, Pussy-cat of Ispahan!
+    Moo-cow that dost outmoon the moon!
+  Yes, dainty poodle, laugh away,
+  And mock the pranks poor mortals play
+    Who spoon the dish and dish the spoon!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE QUEEN OF MAYS.
+
+  Give me an elfin, frolic MAY,
+    No Queen with hoarse cadenzas,
+  Who pipes a frozen roundelay
+    Of spiteful influenzas.
+
+  _My_ MAY shall air no voices crude.
+    No chained and chilly dances--
+  With wordless harmonies endued
+    And pirouetting fancies.
+
+  She'll draw us round no Northern Poles
+    With crowns of mimic roses.
+  That mock our sad sepulchral souls
+    And counterfeit our noses.
+
+  But white as hawthorn blossom, free
+    As air to shed her pleasures,
+  _My_ mute, melodious MAY shall be
+    The soul of wayward measures.
+
+  To put it plainly, while the ban
+    Of Spring on us and gales is,
+  I'll bask and smile and worship JEANNE
+    Within the Prince of Wales's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONSERVATIVE COMMENT ON A RECENT ELECTION (_after Mr.
+Middlewick_).--"Humph! Inferior Dosset!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, May 16, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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