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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 16, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 1, 2004 [EBook #13348] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>May 16, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page229" + id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XVII.—GASPS.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By</i> OLPH SCHREION, <i>Author of "Screams," "The + Allegory of an Asian Ranche.</i>")</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["You will perceive," writes the Author of the following + story, "that this is allegorical, but it is not by any + means necessary that you should understand it. The chief + charm of allegorical writing is its absolute freedom from + the trammels of convention. You write something large and + vague, with any amount of symbols thrown in. The words flow + quite easily; you cover scores of pages. Then you read it + over again next morning. If you understand it so little as + to think some other fellow must have written it, you may be + quite certain it is an allegory. When you print it, your + public reads into it all kinds of mysterious and morbid + religious emotions, and confused misinterpretations of + life-problems, and everybody tacks on his own special + explanation. That being so, it is quite unnecessary for you + to explain things—which saves a great deal of + trouble. The plan is an excellent one. Try it.—Yours, + allegorically, O.S."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <p>TANT' SANNIE was stewing <i>kraut</i> in the old Dutch + saucepan. The scorching rays of the African sun were beating + down upon BONAPARTE BLENKINS who was doing his best to be + sun-like by beating WALDO. His nose was red and disagreeable. + He was something like HUCKLEBERRY FINN's Dauphin, an amusing, + callous, cruel rogue, but less resourceful. TANT' SANNIE + laughed; it was so pleasant to see a German boy beaten black + and blue. But the Hottentot servants merely gaped. It was their + custom.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/229.png" + alt="Tant' Sannie." /></a> + </div> + + <p>But in the middle distance Life was playing marbles with the + Unknown. And the Unknown said unto Life, "Give me an + alley-tor." But Life replied, "Nay, for the commoneys are lying + well, and the thumb of him that aimeth is seasoned unto the + stroke." And the Unknown beat his sable wings together, and one + black feather flitted far into the breast of the day and fell + to earth. And there came a fair-haired Child plucking flowers + in the desert with brows bent in thought.</p> + + <p>And Life said unto the Child, "Play with me."</p> + + <p>And the Unknown said, "Play with me."</p> + + <p>But the Child raised its soft hand slowly and the tender + fingers grew apart, and its thumb was poised in thought upon + its nose, and it spake not at all. And the feather flitted far, + far over the waste, and men came forth and gazed upon it, but + it heeded them not.</p> + + <p>Then said Life, "I am strong. Kings have need of me and + earth is my dominion." But the Unknown gathered up the + scattered marbles, concealing them gently, and answered only + this—"I am a greater than Life."</p> + + <p>And the Child strayed onwards and the feather flitted, and + TANT' SANNIE still stewed <i>kraut</i> in the old Dutch + saucepan. And BONAPARTE BLENKINS was glad.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>Cruelty, cruelty, cruelty—all is cruelty! Boys are + beaten; oxen are stabbed till the blood bursts forth; happy, + industrious, dung-collecting beetles are bitten in two by + careless, happy, beetle-collecting dogs—everything is + wicked and cruel. The Kaffir has beautiful legs, but he will + kick his wife, and TANT' SANNIE, alas! will not be there to + drop a pickle-tub on his head. And over everything hangs that + inscrutable charm which hovers for ever for the human intellect + over the incomprehensible and shadowy. <i>Omne ignotum pro + mirifico</i>, I might say, but I prefer the longer phrase.</p> + + <p>And I stood at the gate of Heaven, I and TANT' SANNIE; and + we spoke to everybody quite affably; and they all had time to + listen to what we said, and to make suitable replies.</p> + + <p>And I said, "Are we all here?"</p> + + <p>And she said, "Not all."</p> + + <p>And I said, "The absent are always in the wrong."</p> + + <p>And she said, "I have heard that in French."</p> + + <p>And I said, "Is not that impertinent?"</p> + + <p>And she said, "No."</p> + + <p>And a great Light fell across her face, as though a palm had + smitten it, and the name of the palm was Hand, and its fruits + were fingers five.</p> + + <p>And again I addressed myself in terms of familiarity to the + Ever-lasting, and I planted a book upon the clouds, where eight + children lay prone with bees flying about their childish + bonnets.</p> + + <p>And there came a knock at my door.</p> + + <p>"Eight o'clock!" said One. "Arise!"</p> + + <p>"Nay," I answered; "it cannot be."</p> + + <p>"But the water is hot within the can, and the table will be + spread for them that break their fast."</p> + + <p>"So be it. I rise." And behold it was a dream!</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>Far away the mother of the little nigger stood churning. + Where is the mother of the little black nigger? She is churning + slowly in the garden. But cannot the aunt of the good gardener + churn herself? No; for she is in the orchard, plucking the + apples, peaches, apricots, pears (<i>Birnen</i>), to give to + the butler's grandmother.</p> + + <p>And there came Life and The Ideal walking hand in hand. And + behind them came Wealth and Vastness singing together. And + Infinity was there, and Health, and Wisdom, and Love. And + Reflection was mounted on a steed with Joy. And many other + shapes followed, delicately arrayed in fine linen. And + helmet-wearing Men in Blue marshalled the procession. And they + spake roughly, saying, "Pass away there, pass away there!"</p> + + <p>And I said, "Is this the Lord Mayor's Show?"</p> + + <p>And One said, "No."</p> + + <p>And I said, "Is it the Salvation Army?"</p> + + <p>And again One said, "No."</p> + + <p>And I said, "Is it SEQUAH?"</p> + + <p>And One said again. "No."</p> + + <p>And I said, "I have guessed enough."</p> + + <p>And One said, "Yes."</p> + + <p>But The Real was not there, and they passed away.</p> + + <p>And One said, "I am Wealth," which was absurd, but No-one + laughed. And they all danced a fandango on the points of their + toes. And a shaft of light lay over them. And they wandered on. + At last they came to a bad, wicked naughty, brimstone place. + And I said to Some-one, "I like this. It seems a good place." + And still No-one laughed. And Wealth touched me, and I was + glad. And I said, "Give me millions, or buy a box of matches," + and Law seized me and took me to the Cell. Then I said to the + Beak, "Your Worship." And the Beak said unto me, "Begging + again. Forty shillings." And again I woke. And it was all a + striving and a striving and an ending in Nothing.</p> + + <center> + THE END. + </center> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO MLLE. JANE MAY.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">"Au clair de la lune,</p> + + <p class="i4">Mon ami PIERROT,</p> + + <p class="i4">Prête-moi ta plume</p> + + <p class="i4">Pour écrire un mot."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Prête-moi ta plume!</i> Could wit borrow a + feather</p> + + <p>From Cupid's own pinion, 'tis doubtfullish + whether</p> + + <p>A "<i>mot</i>" might be made which should happily + hit</p> + + <p>The "gold" of desert; and Love, aided by Wit,</p> + + <p>Though equal to eloquent passion's fine glow,</p> + + <p>Might both be struck mute by the Muse of + Dumb-Show.</p> + + <p>That "actions speak louder than words" we all + knew;</p> + + <p>But now we may add, "and more gracefully, too."</p> + + <p><i>Performances</i> fine <i>Punch</i> has praised in + his day,</p> + + <p>But how few take the <i>pas</i> of the + <i>Promise</i>—of MAY!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"NATIVE RACES AND THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC."—An important + subject strangely omitted at the recent meeting of this Society + was "The Consumption of Champagne on the Derby and Oaks Days." + The Duke of WESTMINSTER will take the earliest opportunity of + rectifying this error.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page230" + id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/230.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/230.png" + alt="The Wine Merchant." /></a> + + <h3>A BLEND.</h3><i>The Wine Merchant</i> (G-SCH-N). "I'M + AFRAID SOME OF OUR OLD CUSTOMERS WON'T LIKE IT AT FIRST; + BUT, WITH A LITTLE PERSUASION, I THINK I CAN GET 'EM TO + TAKE TO IT KINDLY." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" + id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span> + + <h2>JOKIM THE CELLARER; OR, THE BLEND.</h2> + + <h4>AIR.—"<i>Simon the Cellarer</i>."</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Cute JOKIM the Cellarer keeps a large store</p> + + <p class="i2">Of choice Party Spirits, d'ye see;</p> + + <p>Scotch, Irish, and who can say how many more?</p> + + <p class="i2">An eclectic old soul is he.</p> + + <p>But mainly in "Blends" he is good, dark or pale,</p> + + <p>For he knows without them his best bottlings may + fail;</p> + + <p>But he never faileth, he archly doth say,</p> + + <p>For he well knows what tap suits the taste of the + day.</p> + + <p class="i4">And ho! ho! ho! his books will show</p> + + <p class="i4">He oft taps the barrels of Brummagem + JOE!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>JOE sits all the time in his own still-room,</p> + + <p class="i2">And a taster clever is he.</p> + + <p>'Tis in vain that his enemies kick up a fume.</p> + + <p class="i2">And swear he is half a Torie.</p> + + <p>But there are sly meetings upon the backstair.</p> + + <p>And watchers say JOE is oft gossiping there.</p> + + <p>Now JOE distrusts someone who's Grand, and who's + Old,</p> + + <p>And says that he <i>must</i> be kept "out in the + cold."</p> + + <p class="i4">And ho! ho! ho! old JOKIM doth know</p> + + <p class="i4">That many a flask of his best comes from + JOE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Cute JOKIM keeps blending JOE's taps and his + own;</p> + + <p class="i2">Though knowing harsh rumours are + rife;</p> + + <p>And Brummagem JOE is oft heard to declare,</p> + + <p class="i2">Their partnership <i>may</i> last for + life.</p> + + <p>And JOKIM says, "some call Brum JOE a bad chap,</p> + + <p>But they'll soon learn to relish the taste of his + tap,</p> + + <p>And while I may Brummagem JOE call my friend,</p> + + <p>I <i>think</i> I shall customers find for our + 'Blend.'"</p> + + <p class="i4">While ho! ho! ho! he'll chuckle and + crow;</p> + + <p class="i4">"What, turn up Brum JOE, my boys? No! no! + no!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, May 4</i>.—ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN's <i>Carmen</i> + is about the best when all the other dear charmers are away, + and in the character she will probably remain in possession of + the field, or, rather, "the Garden," till the end of the + season. The remainder as before, with DEVOYOD as + <i>Escamillo</i>. But what has become of the "go" in the + <i>Toréador's</i> great song? Where are the double + <i>encores</i>? Where, indeed, the hearty applause? Surely it + has gone the way of the March in <i>Faust</i>, once so + enthusiastically received and cheered to the echo; and + now—"March off!" It is true that, once let a "tuney tune" + become vulgarised by street-musicians, and organic disease + would be sufficient to kill it were it not tortured and ground + to death by remorseless hands. But the <i>Toréador's</i> song + and the March have not been the victims of an organised + opposition. Perhaps, though, they may have been, only 'tis so + long ago as not to be within the ken of the present deponent. + Anyhow, the <i>Toréador's</i> song goes for nothing nowadays, + and yet 'tis as good as ever.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/231-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/231-1.png" + alt="Miss Zélie de Lussan as Zerlina." /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—We welcomed <i>The Don</i>. Not the + Academic Don once so popularly represented by Mr. J.L. TOOLE, + but MOZART's Italianised Spanish Don. <i>À propos</i> of Mr. + TOOLE, it has always been the wonder of his friends, to whom + the quality of his vocal powers is so well known, that he has + never been tempted to renounce the simple histrionic for the + lyric Drama. It is said, and "greatly to his credit," that, had + it not been for his unwillingness to rob his friend SIMS REEVES + of the laurel-crown he wears as first English Tenor of his age, + he would long ago have set up a most dangerous opposition to + that sweet singer, and have ridden off victoriously with "<i>My + Pretty Jane</i>" seated up behind him, pillion-wise, on the + noble steed known as "<i>The Bay of Biscay O!</i>"</p> + + <p>But the above is an <i>entr'acte</i>, shorter than those at + Covent Garden, by the way. M. MAUREL first-rate as the + <i>Don</i>, both in acting and singing, even better in former + than latter; but the dear old serenade, which never can be + vulgarised, in spite of its popularity, was encored, and the + encore was gracefully accepted, Signor BEVIGNANI being in the + chair, and willing to tap the desk and announce, "Gentlemen! + Monsieur MAUREL will oblige again!" Applause.</p> + + <p>If all the village maidens could dress in a costume such as + Miss ZÉLIE-ZERLINA wears, then, to take the best and nicest + view of it, that village must be uncommonly prosperous. + Probably tourists' visits are not few and far between: but + anyhow, even the most unsuspicious bumpkin of a lover, would be + inclined to ask a few questions about this finery. However, her + performance was as fine as the dress, and she looked quite the + ZÉLIE-ZERLINA, so fascinating to the Lord and the Lout.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—<i>Roméo et Juliette</i>, that is, M. + JEAN DE RESZKÉ and Mlle. EAMES. A nearly perfect performance. + JEAN a trifle too stout for an ideal <i>Romeo</i>, but of + course he couldn't go into training for the part at short + notice. The spirit with which he played the part far outweighed + the error of the flesh. Miss EAMES a charming <i>Juliet</i> in + every way, though her singing of the waltz was not of dazzling + firework brilliancy. Brother NED was the <i>Frère Laurent</i>. + Excellent. The name Anglo-Frenchified, suggests a reverend + gentleman who would meddle with legal marriages and perform + private ceremonies without leave or licence from his Ordinary, + and might be known as Brother Law-wrong, an Extra-Ordinary + Friar. The House crammed full with an audience as brilliant as + the performance.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/231-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/231-2.png" + alt="THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS." /></a> + + <h3>THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS.</h3> + + <p><i>Son of the House</i>. "YOU'RE NOT DANCING, MR. + LAMBERT! DON'T YOU WISH TO?"</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Lambert</i> (<i>who is not so slim as he used to + be</i>). "CERTAINLY—IF YOU CAN FIND ME A <i>CONCAVE + PARTNER</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE LAST SONG.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Mr. SIMS REEVES was announced to sing "<i>Total + Eclipse</i>" at his Farewell Concert on Monday.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell! A most unwelcome word to all</p> + + <p>Whom fifty years of charm have held in thrall:</p> + + <p>Total eclipse—of pleasure on their part</p> + + <p>Who love pure melody and polished Art.</p> + + <p>Memory will echo long the silvery chime</p> + + <p>Of such a voice as even ruthless Time</p> + + <p>Might stay his stride to listen to, and spare</p> + + <p>From the corroding touch. Some scarce will care</p> + + <p>To hear "<i>Tom Bowling</i>" sung by other lips,</p> + + <p>And when in tenor strains "<i>Total Eclipse</i>"</p> + + <p>Sounds next upon our ears, SIMS REEVES will seem</p> + + <p>To sing again to us as in a pleasant dream.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" + id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/232-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/232-1.png" + alt="Mr. McEwan." /></a>Mr. McEwan. + </div> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, May 4</i>.—Windbag SEXTON + had fine opportunity to-night; made the most of it. SEYMOUR + KEAY absent through greater part of sitting. Various rumours + current in explanation of the happy accident. Influenza hinted + at; but Grand Young GARDNER, who is familiar with both, says + <i>Grippe</i> much too knowing to link itself with Member for + Elgin and Nairn. Towards Eleven o'Clock, rumour set at rest by + appearance of KEAY. Simple explanation of temporary absence is, + that he has been at home, drawing up a few more Amendments.</p> + + <p>In his absence. Windbag had it all to himself. How many + speeches he has made through the dreary sitting am afraid to + reckon up. Members going off to write letters, smoke a cigar, + read evening papers, or dine, leave him on his legs, with one + hand in pocket, and smile of serene satisfaction on face, + prosing on. Coming back, they find him still in same position, + apparently saying same thing. Has lately developed new + oratorical charm. Constantly repeats his sentences, word for + word. Everybody cleared out, even Mr. G., and JOHN MORLEY. Only + Prince ARTHUR left languorous on Treasury Bench.</p> + + <p>"Drooping like a lily out of water," MCEWAN says. Not that + he's given to tropes of the kind; but, being lately at a + wedding feast smothered in flowers, some of them have got into + his conversation.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Committee on Irish Land Bill, + but no forrader.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/232-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/232-2.png" + alt="W.H. Smith." /></a>W.H. Smith in his new + character as Warden of the Cinque Ports and Constable + of Dover Castle. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—"Do you think I ought to wear spurs, + TOBY?"</p> + + <p>It was Old MORALITY who spoke. We were in his room at House; + just torn ourselves away from Committee on Irish Land Bill, + where, at the moment, oddly enough SEXTON chanced to be + speaking. Old MORALITY has been made Lord Warden of the Cinque + Ports, and is trying on his uniform. Rather piratical + arrangement; blue cloth coat with large brass buttons, red sash + round his waist, with holster thrust in it, containing the + horse-pistol with which PITT armed himself when he sat at the + window of Walmer Castle, looking across the Channel, + momentarily expecting to discover BONEY crossing in a + flat-bottomed boat. The trousers are of scarlet, with broad + braid of gold lace on outer seams. Finally there is a truculent + cocked hat, which OLD MORALITY persists in putting on with the + peak astarn. The dress is picturesque, and OLD MORALITY's + figure lends itself to it with peculiar grace and fitness.</p> + + <p>"I fancy WELLINGTON wore spurs," the Lord Warden + persisted.</p> + + <p>Yes, I point out; but PITT didn't, nor did PALMERSTON. + Anyhow just as well not to begin with spurs. Might in time grow + up to them, as it were.</p> + + <p>Wanted the Lord Warden to enter House in his uniform: sadly + in need of sensation. One would certainly be provided if Old + MORALITY were discovered sitting on Treasury Bench in his + present costume.</p> + + <p>"No," he said, "they would think I was going to move or + second the Address. Should like to get used to the clothes a + little before appearing in them in public places."</p> + + <p>So go back to House myself, leaving the Lord Warden marching + up and down, making believe he is on the ramparts at Walmer. + Oddly enough, when I arrive Windbag SEXTON making a speech, the + few Members present talking about Old MORALITY's promotion. A + dangerous epoch in a man's life. People apt just then to + discover all kinds of shortcomings, and reasons why the + promotion should have fallen elsewhere. But no one grudges OLD + MORALITY this high and ancient honour; a fresh chapter in the + pleasant story of "Mr. SMITH," a new "Part of His Life." For + five years he has sat on the Treasury Bench in succession to + DISRAELI and GLADSTONE; now he will answer for the safety of + the Cinque Ports in succession to PITT and WELLINGTON, + DALHOUSIE and PALMERSTON. <i>Business done</i>.—OLD + MORALITY made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—"TAY PAY also among the Gentlemen of + England!" exclaimed SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, for once almost + moved out of his customary self-possession. It certainly seems + so. Came about on Second Reading of London Tramways Bill; + promoters want to bring tramway over Westminster Bridge, and + along Embankment. DEMOS desires to go about his business on the + tramway, and does not see why he should be arbitrarily stopped + before he has accomplished his journey. Carriage folk say, No; + let DEMOS and his penny tram stop at other side of the water, + leaving the broad thoroughfare of the Embankment for what + RADCLIFFE COOKE called "the gilded chariot."</p> + + <p>Debate gone forward for some time. No one expected to find + TAY PAY in this Galley. Since his return from Ameriky hasn't + opened his voice in debate; spoken in public only once. That + was to his constituents in Scotland Road, Liverpool; announced + with portentous blast in advance that then and there the + anxious world should learn what side he took in the leadership + controversy. Others had declared themselves, whether for Brer + FOX or Brer RABBIT. The momentous issue of TAY PAY's decision + required further deliberation. So all the world had to wait + till TAY PAY came home and saw his constituents. Result not + altogether satisfactory. As TIM HEALY put it, "TAY PAY showed + disposition to hunt with Brer FOX and run with Brer RABBIT." If + in the end Brer FOX won, nothing in TAY PAY's Scotland Road + speech need prevent him returning to his allegiance. If Brer + FOX remained under a cloud, he could jog along with Brer + RABBIT. Been careful not to spoil the little game by taking + part in debate in House.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/232-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/232-3.png" + alt="Demos." /></a>Demos. + </div> + + <p>Now, on this London Tramways Bill, which touches neither + Brer FOX nor Brer RABBIT, TAY PAY interposes. Conservatives + snort impatiently when he rises; cry aloud for division; take + it for granted that TAY PAY will back up DEMOS's demand for + equal right of way. But TAY PAY has genuine little surprise in + store; is loftily contemptuous of tramways, doncha. If they + cross the bridge and approach the precincts of the West End, + what is to become of carriage-folk? "A noisy and inconvenient + system of locomotion," said TAY PAY, shuddering with disgust, + as though he heard a coarse voice crying "Fares, please!"</p> + + <p>House roared with laughter; RADCLIFFE COOKE talked about + opposition "coming from Members who hoped to ride in gilded + coaches"; CREMER rudely reminded TAY PAY that ten or fifteen + years ago, he would have taken a very different view of the + convenience of tramway cars. This wasn't pleasant; but when the + Division bell rang, TAY PAY had the satisfaction of walking, + alone amongst his Party, with the Gentlemen of England, + triumphantly vindicating the rights of carriage-folk against + tramway trabs. Long time since House of Commons witnessed a + scene so rich as this in material for reflection. <i>Business + done</i>.—TAY PAY declares against trams.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Attendance on House gradually + diminishing; what with influenza, and Irish Land Bill in + Committee, Members gradually thinning off. No M.P. complete + without his influenza. Barks shall not be out of anything if + its humble, but conscientious Member can manage it; so I've + "took" the influenza, or the influenza's "took" me. Don't + exactly know how it came about. Anyhow, we're in bed together. + <i>Business done</i>.—Don't know anything about it.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" + id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <h4>[CONTINUED.]</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/233-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/233-1.png" + alt="Looking for a Seat." /></a>Looking for a Seat. + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday, April 30th, "George Hotel," + Billsbury</i>.—Spent yesterday and the day before in + chambers at the Temple. No work as usual. Think I shall give it + all up, and take entirely to politics. Yesterday afternoon a + Mr. RICHARDSON GROGRAM called on me by appointment. He had + written me a long letter stating that he had important + information to communicate to me with reference to my + candidature at Billsbury, and desired a short interview in + order to lay it before me, Said he was "a Billsbury man born + and bred, and naturally interested in everything that concerned + the welfare of the old place, though for family reasons he had + found it best to make the home of his riper manhood in the + Metropolis." I smelt a rat, but thought it best to give him an + interview. He is a tall man, with a dark beard, straight dark + hair, a sallow face and shifty eyes, and was dressed rather + like a dissenting clergyman. He was immensely genial in his + manner, said he had read every word of my eloquent speeches, + and thoroughly agreed with all I had said, though he himself + would never have been able to say it half as well. He then + asked me if I had heard of his "History of the Borough of + Billsbury" in four volumes. I asked him who had published it + and when, but he said he had been made the victim of intrigues, + and had not yet secured a publisher, though there was any + amount of money to be made out of the book. Would I like to + read it in MS., and give him my candid opinion of it? Excused + myself on the ground of great pressure of work. He talked like + this for about twenty minutes, and at last came to what he + called the chief purport of his visit. He said he had in the + course of his investigations, been fortunate enough to acquire + important and exclusive knowledge with regard to the early life + of Sir THOMAS CHUBSON and his chief supporters in Billsbury. + "If it is published," he continued, "it will absolutely blast + the prospects of Radicalism in Billsbury. I am not a grasping + man, but I must consider my family. Still, Sir, such is my + respect and liking for you, that I am willing to place a sealed + packet containing all these stories in your hands on payment of + £150 down." I told him that wasn't my way either of fighting a + constituency or of doing business, whereupon he became more + voluble than ever, and I had no end of a job to get rid of the + oily beast. JERRAM tells me to-day that he was once a + solicitor's clerk in Billsbury, and had to leave on account of + some missing money. Since then he appears to have lived a shady + life, varied by attempts at blackmail. Faugh!</p> + + <p>Came down to Billsbury to-day, to attend the inaugural + dinner of the season of the Billsbury Cricket Club. I am a + Vice-President, and so is CHUBSON. The dinner was held in the + large room of the "Blue Posts Hotel." General BANNATYNE, an old + Indian, who is the President of the Club, was in the chair, + having CHUBSON on his right, and me on his left. Old CHUBSON, + to whom I was introduced, seems not half a bad old fellow, but + he can't speak a bit. The dinner was awful, everything as tough + as leather, and the Cabinet Pudding more beastly than any + Cabinet Pudding I ever tasted—which is saying a good + deal. CHUBSON proposed, "Prosperity to the Billsbury C.C." + "Politics," he said, "are like Cricket. We spend our time in + bowling overs." At this point a young Conservative, who had + drunk too much, shouted, "Ah, and you mostly change sides, + too"—an allusion to the fact that CHUBSON is believed to + have started in politics as a Tory. Somebody removed the + interrupter, and CHUBSON finished his speech all right, but the + incident must have annoyed him. I proposed "The Town and Trade + of Billsbury," and started by saying what pleasure it gave + anybody occupied in politics to take a part in a non-political + celebration like this. "My friend, Sir THOMAS CHUBSON," I said, + "and I have not met before, and I congratulate myself, + therefore, on having been introduced to him to-day. We shall do + our level best to bowl one another out, but I know we shall + play the game according to the rules, and in that spirit of + fair-play for which Englishmen in general, and Billsbury + cricketers in particular, are celebrated."</p> + + <p>This was rather mixed, but it went very well. I think I took + the shine out of CHUBSON. Later on there was a shocking row + between two of the town-councillors, who got to loggerheads + over the question of the Billsbury Waterworks. It was smoothed + over, however, after everybody had shouted "No politics!" for + about ten minutes.</p> + + <p>TOLLAND says we must begin to canvas a little soon. Horrible + work, but absolutely necessary.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BOWLS.</h2> + + <h4>(BY A BUFFER.)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Unfortunately (at bowls) one had to stoop to conquer: + it is that stooping which (except in politics) plays the + deuce with us after fifty."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="author"><i>James Payn's Plea for Bowls</i>.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, PAYN, you are right—as you commonly + are—</p> + + <p>The vertebræ creak and the ribs seem to jar,</p> + + <p class="i4">When a man bends his back—after + fifty—</p> + + <p>If only to pull off his boots; he at length</p> + + <p>Finds that curve in his spine is a strain on the + strength</p> + + <p class="i4">Of which middle-age must be thrifty.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But Bowls! Yes, my boy, it's a jolly old game,</p> + + <p>Though athletic fanatics might vote it too tame,</p> + + <p class="i4">But sense is not baffled by bogies.</p> + + <p>The Emerald Green and the "bowls" and the + "jack,"</p> + + <p>Are beautiful—but for that bend in the + back—</p> + + <p class="i4">To those the young furies call + "fogies."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You have not to "sprint" o'er some acres of + grass,</p> + + <p>To "slog" or to scamper, to "scrummage" or + "pass,"</p> + + <p class="i4">At the risk of your ribs, or + "rheumatics";</p> + + <p>You have not to treat your opponents like foes,</p> + + <p>Or "go for" your rival's shin-bone or his nose,</p> + + <p class="i4">As do the aforesaid fanatics.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But how pleasant the "green" in the cool of the + day,</p> + + <p>The tankard of stingo, the yard of white clay,</p> + + <p class="i4">And the play and the chaff of good + fellows!</p> + + <p>Although not a betting man howls out the odds,</p> + + <p>And no ring of mad backers—like gallery + "gods"—-</p> + + <p class="i4">About us insensately bellows.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, PAYN, the "crank in," and the "kiss of the + Jack,"</p> + + <p><i>All</i>—save, as you say, that darned bend + in the back—</p> + + <p class="i4">About the old game is delightful.</p> + + <p>We thank you for "trolling the bowl" once again,</p> + + <p>Ah! it were a pleasure to play it with + PAYN—</p> + + <p class="i4">(By Jove, though—that loin-twinge + was frightful!)</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A THEATRICAL PLUNGE; OR, TAKING A HEDDA.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/233-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/233-2.png" + alt="A Powerful Cast." /></a>A Powerful Cast. + </div> + + <p>A plunge indeed! but fortunately the swimmers are strong, + and able to save the suicidal Ibsenites. For my + part,—that is, as one of the audience drawn by + curiosity,—I should say that were it not for the + excellent acting of all concerned in the piece, and especially + of Miss ELIZABETH ROBINS as the Hanwellian heroine, IBSEN's + <i>Hedda Gabler</i> would scarcely have been allowed a second + night's existence at the Vaudeville. Miss ROBINS is so much in + earnest—as a true artist should be—that she excites + your curiosity to discover what on earth she is taking all this + trouble about; and thus she compels your attention. That the + result is eminently unsatisfactory is no fault of hers. The + piece itself is stuff and nonsense; poor stuff and "pernicious + nonsense." It is as if the author had studied the weakest of + the Robertsonian Comedies, and had thought he could do + something like it in a tragic vein.</p> + + <p>In the last Act there is a situation reminding us strongly + of one short scene in <i>Caste; there</i>—so delicately + and touchingly treated by its author; <i>here</i>—so + repulsively treated by IBSEN. Let it be reduced to serious + burlesque, and let us have it played by PENLEY as <i>George + Tesman</i>, ARTHUR ROBERTS (with a song) as <i>Judge Brack</i>, + WEEDON GROSSMITH as <i>Ejlbert Lövborg</i>, Miss LOTTIE VENNE + as <i>Mrs. Hedda Tesman</i>, Mrs. JOHN WOOD as <i>Aunt + Juliana</i>, and Miss JESSIE BOND (with song and dance) as + <i>Mrs. Elvsted</i>. It is announced in the bill as "IBSEN's + Last Play." There's a crumb of comfort in this.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>QUEER QUERIES.</h3> + + <p>OATMEAL PORRIDGE.—Would some Scotch housewife kindly + enlighten me as to the proper mode of preparing the above + delicacy? I fancy there must be some mistake about the method I + have hitherto adopted. Is it <i>really</i> necessary to "boil + for forty-eight hours, and then mix with equal quantities of + gin, Guinness's Stout, Gum Arabic, and Epsom Salts?" I have + followed this recipe (given me by a young friend, who says he + has often been in Scotland) faithfully, but the result is not + wholly satisfactory. I doubt whether genuine porridge should be + of the consistency of a brick-bat, or taste of + hair-oil.—UNDAUNTED.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" + id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/234.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/234.png" + alt="CLERICAL ÆSTHETICS." /></a> + + <h3>CLERICAL ÆSTHETICS.</h3> + <p><i>Fair Parishioner</i>. "AND + DO YOU LIKE THE PULPIT, MR. AURIOL?"</p> + <p><i>The New Curate</i>. + "I DO NOT. ER—IT HIDES TOO MUCH OF THE FIGURE, AND I + LIKE EVERY SHAKE OF THE SURPLICE TO TELL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"BLOOD" V. "BULLION."</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">"Well then, it now appears you need my + help.</p> + + <p class="i2">Go to then: you come to me, and you + say,</p> + + <p class="i2">'SHYLOCK, we would have moneys'—you + say so;</p> + + <p class="i2">You that did void your rheum upon my + beard,</p> + + <p class="i2">And foot me, as you spurn a stranger + cur</p> + + <p class="i2">Over your threshold: moneys is your + suit.</p> + + <p class="i2">What should I say to you? Should I not + say</p> + + <p class="i2">'Hath a dog money?'"—<i>Merchant of + Venice</i>, Act I., Scene 3.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"With bated breath and whispering humbleness?"</p> + + <p>Not so! There comes a season when the stress</p> + + <p>Of insolent and exacting tyranny</p> + + <p>Makes the most patient turn.</p> + + <p class="i10">Autocracy,</p> + + <p>Without the despot's vaunted virtue, pride,</p> + + <p>Shows small indeed. Can Power lay aside</p> + + <p>Its swaggering port, and low petition make</p> + + <p>(Driven by those Treasury thirsts which never + slake)</p> + + <p>For help from those it harries? PHARAOH's + scourge</p> + + <p>Was the taskmaster's weapon, used to urge</p> + + <p>The Hebrew bondsmen to their tale of toil,</p> + + <p>But they round whom the Russian's knout thongs + coil,</p> + + <p>Are of the breed of those the Russian palm</p> + + <p>Can make petition to. Could triumph balm</p> + + <p>The wounds of ages, here were balm indeed;</p> + + <p>But blood revolts.</p> + + <p class="i10">Race of the changeless creed,</p> + + <p>And ever-shifting sojourn, SHAKSPEARE's type</p> + + <p>Deep meaning hides, which, when the world is + ripe</p> + + <p>For wider wisdom, when the palsying curse</p> + + <p>Of prejudice, the canker of the purse,</p> + + <p>And blind blood-hatred, shall a little lift,</p> + + <p>Will clearlier shine, like sunburst through a + rift</p> + + <p>In congregated cloud-wracks. <i>Shylock</i> + stands</p> + + <p>Badged with black shame in all the baser lands.</p> + + <p>Use him, and—spit on him! That's Gentile + wont;</p> + + <p>Make him gold-conduit, and befoul the + font,—</p> + + <p>That's the true despot-plan through all the + days,</p> + + <p>And cackling <i>Gratianos</i> chorus praise.</p> + + <p>"The Jew shall have all justice." Shall he so?</p> + + <p>The tyrant drains, his gold, then bids + him—"Go!"</p> + + <p><i>Shylock</i>? The name bears insult in its + sound;</p> + + <p>But <i>he</i> was nobler than the curs who hound</p> + + <p>The patient Hebrew from his home, and drive</p> + + <p>Deathward the stronger souls they dread alive.</p> + + <p><i>Shylock</i>? So brand him, boors and babbling + wags,</p> + + <p>Who scorn him, yet would share his money-bags;</p> + + <p>Who hate him, yet can stoop to such appeal!</p> + + <p>Beneath his meekness there's a soul of steel.</p> + + <p>High-featured, amply-bearded, see he stands</p> + + <p>Facing the Autocrat; those sinewy hands,</p> + + <p>Shaped but for clutching—so his slanderers + say—</p> + + <p>The huckster bait can coldly put away</p> + + <p>"Blood against bullion." The Jew-baiting band</p> + + <p>Howl frantic execration o'er the land;</p> + + <p>Malign and menace, pillage, persecute;</p> + + <p>Though the heart's hot, the mouth must fain be + mute.</p> + + <p>The edict fulminates, the goad pursues;</p> + + <p>Proscription, deprivation,—ay, they use</p> + + <p>All the old tortures, nor are then content,</p> + + <p>But crown the work with ruthless banishment.</p> + + <p>And then—then the proud Muscovite seeks + grace,</p> + + <p>And gold, from kinsmen of the harried race!</p> + + <p>"He would have moneys" from the Hebrew hoard,</p> + + <p>To swell his state, or whet his warlike sword;</p> + + <p>Perchance buy heavier scourges for the backs</p> + + <p>Of lesser Hebrews, whom his wolfish packs</p> + + <p>Of salaried minions hunt.</p> + + <p class="i10">Take back thine hand,</p> + + <p>Imperious Autocrat, and understand</p> + + <p>Gold buys not, rules not, serves not, salves not + all.</p> + + <p>Blood speaks—in favour of the helpless + thrall</p> + + <p>Of tyranny. Here's no tame <i>Shylock</i>: he</p> + + <p>Shall not bend low, and in a bondsman's key,</p> + + <p>Make o'er his money-bags with unctuous grace</p> + + <p>To an enthroned enslaver of his race.</p> + + <p>"Well then, it now appears you need my help".</p> + + <p>(You—whose trained curs at my poor kinsmen + yelp!)</p> + + <p>"What should I say to you? Should I not say,</p> + + <p>"Hath a dog money?" Blood's response + is—"Nay!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A somewhat curious association of names and ideas occurs in + last week's <i>Sporting and Dramatic</i>, where there is an + illustration of some ceremony taking place which is described + as "The RAINE's Foundation May Day Celebration." Odd, that this + particular RAINE should always fall on the First of May.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" + id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/235.png" + alt="'BLOOD' versus 'BULLION.'" /></a> + + <h3>"BLOOD" <i>VERSUS</i> "BULLION."</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"WELL THEN, IT NOW APPEARS YOU NEED MY HELP:</p> + + <p>YOU THAT DID VOID YOUR RHEUM UPON MY BEARD,</p> + + <p>AND FOOT ME, AS YOU SPURN A STRANGER CUR</p> + + <p>OVER YOUR THRESHOLD; <i>MONEYS IS YOUR + SUIT.</i></p> + + <p><i>WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO + YOU?"</i>—<i>Merchant of Venice</i>, Act I., + Sc. 3.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" + id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span> + + <h2>ODE TO COMPENSATION.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After</i> KIRKE WHITE.)</h4> + + <p>"That blessed word—'Compensation.'"</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come Compensation, come!</p> + + <p class="i2">Not in thy terrors clad,</p> + + <p>But in thy fairest, gentlest guise,</p> + + <p>Thy "blessed" name but terrifies</p> + + <p class="i2">The "Templar" and the "Rad."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thou must not come as "Right,"</p> + + <p class="i2">That is—alas!—"too + steep."</p> + + <p>The Law has put its foot hard down,</p> + + <p>And "BUNG," so far, is quite done brown;</p> + + <p class="i2">It makes the "Witler" weep!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No "Vested Interest,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Whereon to found a claim?</p> + + <p>And after all that we have done</p> + + <p>To keep the Tories in the run!</p> + + <p class="i2">It is a thundering shame!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We deemed Sir EDWARD CLARKE</p> + + <p class="i2">Knew what he was about;</p> + + <p>We thought good GOSCHEN, sharp and slick,</p> + + <p>Had "gently, gently done the trick,"</p> + + <p class="i2">We have been sold, no doubt.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But FORREST FULTON comes,—</p> + + <p class="i2">Sharp fellow that F.F.!</p> + + <p>And in the Commons sneaks a vote</p> + + <p>Which sticks hard in the "Temperance" + throat,—</p> + + <p class="i2">Dull churls, to justice deaf!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come, Compensation, come!</p> + + <p class="i2">Come in by the back-door,</p> + + <p>Come unawares, come <i>anyhow</i>,</p> + + <p>Only <i>do</i> come to smooth the brow</p> + + <p class="i2">Of Wittlers weak and poor.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>GOSCHEN has played us false;</p> + + <p class="i2">It makes our bosom ache.</p> + + <p>But to abate our indignation</p> + + <p>If he'll secure us Compensation,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twill compensation make.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/237-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/237-1.png" + alt="THE TRAINER INFORMS HIS LORDSHIP THAT HIS NEW PURCHASE 'WILL TAKE A LOT OF BEATING,'" /> + </a>THE TRAINER INFORMS HIS LORDSHIP THAT HIS NEW PURCHASE + "WILL TAKE A LOT OF BEATING," + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/237-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/237-2.png" + alt="AND—SO HE DID!" /></a>AND—SO HE DID! + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OVERHEARD AT EARL'S COURT.</h2> + + <p><i>First Citizen.</i> And what did you see at the German + Exhibition?</p> + + <p><i>Second Citizen</i>. A magnificent collection of German + pictures, many German manufactures, and several German + Bands.</p> + + <p><i>First C.</i> Are these the only attractions?</p> + + <p><i>Second C.</i> No, there is some cleverly painted canvas + representing German scenery in the grounds.</p> + + <p><i>First C.</i> Anything else?</p> + + <p><i>/Second C.</i> I enjoyed the Switchback Railway.</p> + + <p><i>First C.</i> I see—anything else?</p> + + <p><i>Second C.</i> Well, the Scenes in the Circle added to my + enjoyment, but, as an enthusiastic admirer of all that is + German, I do not consider them entirely necessary.</p> + + <p><i>First C.</i> Anything further?</p> + + <p><i>Second C.</i> There are the lights and the company.</p> + + <p><i>First C.</i> But of course these are superfluous?</p> + + <p><i>Second C.</i> From a German point of view—entirely + so. I consider them merely as fringe.</p> + + <p><i>First C.</i> Exactly—and, were they not there, you + would extend as much patronage to the German + Exhibition—you would go there as frequently?</p> + + <p><i>Second C.</i> Yes—in spirit, if not in person.</p> + + <p><i>First C.</i> And if for the German some other foreign + element were substituted?</p> + + <p><i>Second C.</i> No doubt I should be present quite as much + in person, but <i>not</i> in German spirit!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" + id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span> + + <h2>THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/238-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/238-1.png" + alt="No. 475. A Day's Sport in the Olden Times. Ancient Mariner regrets that guns are not yet invented, wishes he'd brought a Bow and Arrow with him. J. Waterhouse, A." /> + </a>No. 475. A Day's Sport in the Olden Times. Ancient + Mariner regrets that guns are not yet invented, wishes he'd + brought a Bow and Arrow with him. J. Waterhouse, A. + </div> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/238-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/238-2.png" + alt="No. 138. Tootsy Pootsies. 'O dear, what is the matter with my poor feet!!' Edith Sprague." /> + </a>No. 138. Tootsy Pootsies. "O dear, what is the matter + with my poor feet!!" Edith Sprague. + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/238-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/238-3.png" + alt="No. 518. A Practical Joke. 'I shall startle 'em if I go in suddenly dressed like this.' J.C. Horsley, R.A." /> + </a>No. 518. A Practical Joke. "I shall startle 'em if I go + in suddenly dressed like this." J.C. Horsley, R.A. + </div> + + <p>No. 129. "<i>Love in Winter</i>." By G.H. BOUGHTON, A. But a + poor sort of amusement for this nice young lady to be walking + out all alone with a big muff! eh? Mr. BOUGHTON, eh?</p> + + <p>No. 292, <i>Bar-Maids Resting</i>. W.R. STEPHENS.</p> + + <p>No. 346. "<i>Moor and Mountain</i>." By CHARLES STUART. The + name CHARLES STUART suggests "restoration," but this is a brand + new work. It is mostly mountain, and very little more.</p> + + <p>No. 397. "Miss LYDIA LESLIE at her lessons" may be termed a + group of One or Little Daughter and Less Sons. G.D. LESLIE, + R.A.</p> + + <p>No. 410. Two horses in a field during a Snowstorm. Good + subject for a Tavern sign-board, entitled, "Two Out." EDWARD + STOTT.</p> + + <p>No. 452. "Mrs. X——," <i>i.e.</i>, a lady with a + good deal of dash. HUGH DE T. GLAZEBROOK.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/238-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/238-4.png" + alt="No. 167. Pott Luck; or, the Arch Archdeacon. W.B. Richmond, A." /> + </a>No. 167. Pott Luck; or, the Arch Archdeacon. W.B. + Richmond, A. + </div> + + <p>No. 467. "<i>Angela Vanbrugh" playing the Fiddle; or, All + alone with her Beau</i>. EDWIN LONG, R.A.</p> + + <p>No. 558. Lady going out for a row. Odd sort of boat: Wherry + Funny. E. BLAIR LEIGHTON.</p> + + <p>No. 630. "<i>Iona</i>." By COLIN HUNTER, A. Buy it, and in + <i>Iona</i> you'll own a good picture.</p> + + <p>No. 664. "<i>La Cigale</i>." A sporting subject suggestive + of "Got nothing on." It is not a portrait of <i>La Cigale</i> + at the Lyric. H. RAE.</p> + + <p>No. 714. Wind Lads and Wind-Lasses. FRANK DICKSEE, A.</p> + + <p>No. 743. "If I had a donkey what wouldn't go.". ALFRED W. + STRUTT.</p> + + <p>No. 1006. A Little Duck. WILLIAM STRUTT. (Must be seen for + title to be appreciated.)</p> + + <p>No. 1106. Hares Apparent. WILLIAM FOSTER.</p> + + <p>No. 1108. <i>Napoleon leaving the room where Josephine is + fainting on the floor.</i> Short title, "Going Nap." LASLETT J. + POTT.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" + id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span> + + <h2>THE ABC OF IBSENITY.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A is the ARCHER who booms in the <i>World</i>,</p> + + <p>B is the Banner of IBSEN unfurled.</p> + + <p>C the Commotion it makes for the minute,</p> + + <p>D is the <i>Doll's House</i>, and all there is in + it.</p> + + <p>E is the Eagerness shown in the fray,</p> + + <p>F the Fanatics, who will have their way.</p> + + <p>G is a Ghost, and oh! there are lots of 'em,</p> + + <p>H is Heredity, making pot-shots of 'em.</p> + + <p>I is the Ibsenite so analytic,</p> + + <p>J is the Jeer of the Philistine critic.</p> + + <p>K is a <i>Kroll</i>, and a Pastor is he,</p> + + <p>L is a <i>Lady</i>, who comes from the Sea.</p> + + <p>M is the Master, speak soft as you name him,</p> + + <p>N stands for Norway, so eager to claim him.</p> + + <p>O his Opponents, who speak out their mind,</p> + + <p>P stands for <i>Punch</i>, where his dramas you'll + find.</p> + + <p>Q is the Question, should <i>Rosmer</i> have wed + her?</p> + + <p>R is <i>Rebecca</i>, who took such a header.</p> + + <p>S is the <i>Speaker</i>, which gets quite + excited,</p> + + <p>T is the Temper, it shows uninvited.</p> + + <p>U the Unquestioning Faith of the some,</p> + + <p>V is the Vaudeville, where they all come.</p> + + <p>W stands for the Worshipping Few,</p> + + <p>X their Xtreme disproportionate view.</p> + + <p>Y ends Ibsenity, and, as everyone knows,</p> + + <p>Z brings an alphabet rhyme to a close.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p><i>The Diary of a Pilgrimage</i> occupies 175 pages of one + of ARROWSMITH's three-and-sixpenny books, and no doubt the + admirers of its author, Mr. JEROME K. JEROME, may possibly not + grudge this amount when gauging its value by its attractive + cover. It is "'ARRY Abroad," that's all. 'ARRY Abroad laughs + and talks loudly in foreign churches, sneers and jeers at + everything he does not understand—and this includes the + greater portion of all he sees and hears—chaffs puzzled + officials, and everywhere makes himself highly and + exceptionally popular. In this <i>Diary</i> 'ARRY is + occasionally rather amusing when he is endeavouring to be + either serious or sentimental, or both. 'ARRY serious or 'ARRY + sentimental, or 'ARRY sentimentally serious and expecting to be + taken at his own valuation, is of course delightful, only a + little of it goes a great way, and this Cockney pilgrim goes + too far, especially when giving us his valuable opinion on the + Passion Play. 'ARRY on the Passion Play, and the character of + JUDAS ISCARIOT! As <i>Hedda Gabler's</i> husband observes on + every possible opportunity—"Fancy <i>that</i>!" Only once + the Baron finds himself in agreement with the travelling 'ARRY, + and this happens when he says, "I must candidly confess that + the English-speaking people one meets with on the Continent + are, taken as a whole, a most disagreeable contingent." Yes, + certainly, when they are all 'Arries. Set an 'ARRY to catch an + 'ARRY, and of course to the regular right-down 'ARRY all other + 'ARRIES, not 'appnin' to 'ave the <i>h</i>onour of being 'is + own par<i>tics</i>, are detestably vulgar cads. The remainder + of the book, <i>i.e.</i>, 131 pages, is padded with essays, a + fact not mentioned on the outside of the work, which, like + charity, covers a multitude of sins. Whether this is quite a + fair way of stating contents, is a question which the Baron + supposes both Publishers and Author have thoroughly + considered.</p> + + <p>Don't skip ELLEN TERRY's Memoirs in <i>The New Review</i>. + Nothing much in them, but delightfully chatty and amusing. See + <i>Murray's Magazine</i> for Mr. GLADSTONE on the <i>Murray + Memoirs</i>, in the number for the "Murray Month of May." When + you are routing about for something short and amusing, take up + the <i>Cornhill</i>, and read <i>A Flash in the Pan</i>. I have + commenced, says the Baron, my friend GEORGE MEREDITH's <i>One + of the Conquerors</i>. Now G.M. is an author whose work does + not admit of the healthy and graceful exercise of skipping. + Here the skipper's occupation is gone. G.M.'s work should be + taken away by the reader far from the madding crowd and perused + and pondered over. If Ponder's End is a tranquil place as the + name implies, then to that secluded spot betake yourself with + your GEORGE MEREDITH, O happy and studious reader, and ponder + in peace.</p> + + <p>Since the time of <i>Richard Feverel</i>, which I shall + always consider his best, "of the very best" as ZERO of the + Monte Carlo Bar has it, G.M. has developed into a gold-beater + of epigrams. What once served him as a two-line epigram, is now + spread out over a couple of pages. Two volumes instead of three + would serve his turn far better, or rather the public's turn, + for his own is a very peculiar one. But to my task, says the + Baron, give me a slight refresher and a suck at the lemon as it + were, or a sip of the lemonade, and at him again. <i>Festina + lente</i>. More anon from</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT ON ENGLISH AND FOREIGN WAITERS.</h2> + + <p>Well, things is cumming to a pretty pass, things is, when + I'm acshally told that, as it used to be said formerly, "No + Hirish need apply for nothing," so now, we are told, that no + English Waiters need apply at the Royal Nawal Xhibishun unless + he bes a German!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/239.png" + alt="Robert the Waiter." /></a> + + <h4>"Rule, Britannia, Britannia rules the Waves! For + Britons never, never, NEVER Shall be Slaves!"</h4><i>Robert + the Waiter</i>. "WHAT'S THIS! 'NO ENGLISH NEED APPLY! + GERMANS ONLY TAKEN'! THIS <i>IS</i> 'BRITONS NEVER SHALL BE + SLAVES' WITH A WENGEANCE!" + </div> + + <p>I never knowed as Jack Tars, and Powder-Munkys, and Admerals + (as is so fond of Port, that they takes the werry name), was so + werry parshal to Germans, that they woud sooner go without + their dinners and tease, than be waited on by any other + gennelmen, most suttenly not. "<i>O contrare</i>," as the + French Waiters says. It 'ud be a jolly long time, I shood + think, before your real British Sailers wood learn to call a + Waiter a <i>Gasson</i>, tho' as it means, I'm told, a Boy, + there is sum little sense in it, coz there's, in course. Old + Boys as well as yung ones; but what on airth meaning is there + in a Kelner! as I'm acshally told all German Waiters insists on + being called! Why the thing's too absurd to tork about.</p> + + <p>Besides the British Publick is used to our little ways, as + we are quite used to theirn, and they talk to us in that nice + confidenshal tone about the different wines, et setterer, as no + true Born Englishman ewer yet spoke to a Frenchman, much less a + German. No, no, the hole thing's a mistake, as will soon be + found out. And what a groce injustice to the native article. + These sollem-looking Germans, not content with pushing our poor + sons from their stools in our counting-houses, as + <i>Macbeth</i> says, must now cum and take the werry bread out + of their poor Father's mouths. Oh pale-faced shame, where's + your blush? And think too of their himperance. Why they are + acshilly a going for to have a hexibition of their own, here in + Lundon, and does anyone think as they'll write up on the gates, + "Only English Waiters need apply?" Why the hidear is ridiclous, + but where's the difference I should like to kno. No, no, no one + can kno better than I do, from a long and waried xperience, + from the Grand old City, the ome of ospitality and turtle soup, + to the "Grand" and "Metropole," the omes of lucksury and + refinement, that the British Public likes his British Waiter, + he likes his nice respecful ways, the helligent Bow with which + he ands him his At, and the graceful hair with which he + receeves his little doosure.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" + id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span> + + <h2>SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.</h2> + + <h4>No. IV.—THE HUSBAND'S OLD SCHOOL-FELLOW.</h4> + + <p>We will suppose that you are a young wife, and that your + husband is absent in the City during the greater part of the + day. One afternoon a card is brought in bearing the + inscription:—</p> + + <center> + CAPTAIN CAULKER. + </center> + + <center> + <i>United Service Club. The Hermitage, Coventry</i>. + </center> + + <p>Which document is followed closely by a tall, well-groomed, + rather portly and florid stranger, with a military moustache, + who greets you with the utmost cordiality. "I happened to find + myself in this neighbourhood," he says, "and I could + not—I really could <i>not</i>—resist this + opportunity. My name, I venture to think, is a sufficient + introduction?"</p> + + <p>It is nothing of the sort—but you are too shy and too + polite to admit it, so you merely murmur some incoherency. He + detects you at once. "Ah!" he cries, in good-tempered reproach; + "I see, I've been too sanguine. Now confess, my dear lady, you + haven't a <i>notion</i> who I am!"</p> + + <p>Thus brought to bay, you own that you have no clue to your + visitor's identity—as yet. "Well—well," he says, + tolerantly, "Time is a terrible sponge—though I had hoped + that, even after all these years, your dear husband might have + occasionally mentioned the name of his old school-chum! I've + never forgotten <i>him</i>—no, all through the years I've + been in India I've never forgotten dear old WALTER!"</p> + + <p>"But my husband's name is <i>WILLIAM</i>!" you say here.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/240.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/240.png" + alt="Captain Caulker." /></a> + </div> + + <p>"He was always WALTER to <i>me</i>, Madam, or + rather—WATTY. He was so like a favourite young brother of + mine, who died young. That drew us together from the first. Did + dear old WATTY never tell you how he saved my life once?... No? + So like him!—he wouldn't. But he did, though; yes, by + Gad, jumped into fifteen foot of water after me, and kept me up + when I was going under for the last time. Pardon me, but I see + a photograph upon your writing-table—surely, unless I am + wrong, that—"</p> + + <p>"That is a portrait of my only brother," you will say; "he + is out in India with his regiment—perhaps you may have + met him there?"</p> + + <p>"Thought I knew the face—met him at Simla, several + times," says the Captain; "wonderful how small the world is! + But have you one of old WATTY's photos? I should so like to see + whether the dear old chap has altered ... Ah, I should hardly + have known him—and yet, yes, the same cheery, jolly look, + I can trace the boy there, I can see my old WATTY again! No + friends, my dear Mrs. GOSLING, like those we make in early + youth! And he never mentions me now? Ah! well, he has a very + charming excuse for forgetting the past—though I shall + tell him when I see him that I do think he might have + remembered his old school-friend a little better than he seems + to have done. Your servant informed me that he was seldom at + home quite so early as this, but I thought if I could not see + <i>him</i>, I would at least give myself the pleasure of making + the acquaintance of his wife, so I just ventured to come in for + five minutes."</p> + + <p>"WILLIAM will be so disappointed to have missed you," you + say, eagerly; "can't you wait and let me give you some tea? He + may be back in half an hour."</p> + + <p>"In half an hour? Well, 'pon my word, you tempt me very + much. I shouldn't like to go away without seeing him, but I + must send away my cab first—no, it's not outside, left it + at the corner of the road, as I wasn't certain of the + number—I s'pose I've got enough silver to—no, I + haven't, by Jove! <i>Could</i> you oblige me by change for + a—well, really, this is very awkward. I've positively + come out with only a shilling—thought it was a sovereign! + I shall have to ask dear old WATTY to accommodate me—I've + lent <i>him</i> many a half-crown in the old days. Absurd + predicament to be in, and if I keep my cabman waiting, I don't + know what he mayn't charge me. I took him three hours ago. I + tell you what, my dear Mrs. GOSLING; If you'll advance me a + sovereign, I could run out and settle with the fellow, and then + it won't signify <i>how</i> long I wait for WATTY. <i>Can</i> + you? Too good of you, I'm sure! WATTY will chaff me when he + hears I've been borrowing like this, ha, ha!" Here your ear, + sharpened by affection, catches a well-known turn of the + latch-key at your front-door. "Why, how fortunate!" you + exclaim, "here <i>is</i> my husband already, Captain CAULKER. + He will come in as soon as he has changed his shoes."</p> + + <p>"Capital!" cries the Captain. "Look here, Mrs. + GOSLING,—I've just thought of a little joke. I want to + see if he'll <i>know</i> me. Now you go and talk to him a + little, and—presently, you know—say there's a man + in the drawing-room, who's come to wind the clocks, and then + I'll come in to where you are, and make believe to wind the + clock there—do you see? I'd bet anything he won't spot me + at first!"</p> + + <p>You are young enough to be delighted at the idea of such a + pretty little comedy, and you trip away to the study, and + archly keep dear WILLIAM in conversation until the Captain is + ready to make his appearance. At last, a little impatiently, + you give the cue by mentioning that there is a clock-winder in + the drawing-room. WILLIAM is amusingly suspicious, and insists + on seeing the man. As the scene will be just as funny in the + drawing-room, you accompany him thither—but there is no + gallant Captain there affecting to wind your charming little + Sèvres clock (a wedding present)—he has gone, + and—alas! without leaving a timepiece for anybody else to + wind. And WILLIAM is <i>most</i> disagreeable and unpleasant + about it!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>NOTES FROM A NURSERY-GARDEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By an Awfully Clever Child</i>.)</h4> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—I am a Poetess. I am told that the Age + is old, and that Poetry is over. <i>My</i> age is ten, and my + poetry is certainly not over. My nurse (one of those horrid + critics) has ventured to suggest that I am not original. I + leave you to judge. Yours impatiently, ENFANT TERRIBLE.</p> + + <h4>N.W.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Alack! up Northern Primrose Hill</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah, + GILL!</i>)</p> + + <p>They climbed, and deemed it Helicon,</p> + + <p>Those childish bards, GILLETTE and JOHN,</p> + + <p class="i2">Their pails with Hippocrene to fill.</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah, + GILL!</i>)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Adown that Western Hill, alack!</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh, + JACK!</i>)</p> + + <p>Or e'er they gained the Muses' well,</p> + + <p>JACK kicked his bucket frail and, fell.</p> + + <p class="i2">And GILL was brought upon her back.</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh, + JACK!</i>)</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>TO A SCENTY PEDE.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How doth yonder miniature featness,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though wingless, with gossamer wit,</p> + + <p>Foregather mellifluent sweetness,</p> + + <p class="i2">While Fates unrelenting permit—</p> + + <p>Wise heir of bright hours, completeness</p> + + <p class="i2">Of blossoms that flicker and flit.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>ON A JAPANESE SCREEN.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In Yeddo, where long lilies weep, Bo' Peep</p> + + <p>The shepherdess hath lost her sheep.</p> + + <p>She recks not where the sheep have strayed, Poor + maid,</p> + + <p>Beneath the Boodha-Temple's shade.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her solace is the Minstrel's: <i>I'd</i> Let + slide</p> + + <p>My flocks of verse without a guide.</p> + + <p>So will they best return without A doubt—</p> + + <p>Or tale that mortal can make out.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>MISS MUFFET.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">So sweet!</p> + + <p>Child-Innocence, with upward-curling feet</p> + + <p class="i10">On buffet-seat,</p> + + <p>Resolving (as we all resolve) to eat.</p> + + <p class="i10">So sad!</p> + + <p>The ravening Spider from his eyrie mad</p> + + <p class="i10">Swoops, boldly bad,</p> + + <p>And scares (as spiders scare) the Pure and Glad.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>ON A KLEPTOMANIAC.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah, Violin Cremonian!</p> + + <p>Ah, Pussy-cat of Ispahan!</p> + + <p class="i2">Moo-cow that dost outmoon the moon!</p> + + <p>Yes, dainty poodle, laugh away,</p> + + <p>And mock the pranks poor mortals play</p> + + <p class="i2">Who spoon the dish and dish the + spoon!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO THE QUEEN OF MAYS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Give me an elfin, frolic MAY,</p> + + <p class="i2">No Queen with hoarse cadenzas,</p> + + <p>Who pipes a frozen roundelay</p> + + <p class="i2">Of spiteful influenzas.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>My</i> MAY shall air no voices crude.</p> + + <p class="i2">No chained and chilly dances—</p> + + <p>With wordless harmonies endued</p> + + <p class="i2">And pirouetting fancies.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She'll draw us round no Northern Poles</p> + + <p class="i2">With crowns of mimic roses.</p> + + <p>That mock our sad sepulchral souls</p> + + <p class="i2">And counterfeit our noses.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But white as hawthorn blossom, free</p> + + <p class="i2">As air to shed her pleasures,</p> + + <p><i>My</i> mute, melodious MAY shall be</p> + + <p class="i2">The soul of wayward measures.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To put it plainly, while the ban</p> + + <p class="i2">Of Spring on us and gales is,</p> + + <p>I'll bask and smile and worship JEANNE</p> + + <p class="i2">Within the Prince of Wales's.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>CONSERVATIVE COMMENT ON A RECENT ELECTION (<i>after Mr. + Middlewick</i>).—"Humph! Inferior Dosset!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. 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