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diff --git a/old/13253.txt b/old/13253.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ecd001c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13253.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1662 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. +February 21, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. February 21, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 22, 2004 [EBook #13253] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +February 21, 1891. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XIII.--THROUGH SPACE ON A FORMULA. + +(_BY_ RULES SPURN, _AUTHOR OF "GOWNED AND CURLED IN EIGHTY STAYS," +"TWENTY THOUSAND TWEAKS SUNDERED THE FLEA," "A TEA WITH ICE," "A +DOCTOR ON ROCKS AND PEPPERMINT," "A CAB-FARE FROM 'THE SUN,'" "THE +CONFIDENCE OF THE CONTINENT," "ATTORNEY TO DISSENTERS UP AT PERTH," +"LIEUTENANT SCATTERCASH," &C._) + + ["This," writes the Author, "is one of my best and freshest, + although on a moderate computation it must be my thousand and + first, or so. But I have really lost count. Still it's grand + to talk in large numbers of leagues, miles, vastnesses, + secrets, mysteries, and impossible sciences. Some pedants + imagine that I write in French. That's absurd, for every + schoolboy knows (and lots of them have told me) that I write + only in English or in American. I have some highly dried + samples of vivid adventure ready for immediate consumption. + Twopence more and up goes the donkey, up, up, up to be + a satellite to an undiscovered star. Brave Donkey! I + follow."--R.S.] + +CHAPTER I. + +The iceberg was moving. There was no doubt of it. Moving with +a terrible sinuous motion. Occasionally an incautious ironclad +approached like a foolish hen, and pecked at the moving mass. Then +there was a slight crash, followed by a mild convulsion of masts, and +spars, and iron-plates, and 100-ton guns, then two or three gurgles +and all was still. The iceberg passed on smiling in triumph, and +British Admirals wrote to the _Times_ to declare that they had +known from the first that H.M.S. _Thunderbomb_ had been so faultily +constructed, as to make a contest with a hen-coop a certainty for the +hen-coop. + +[Illustration] + +And still the iceberg was moving. Within its central chamber sat a +venerable man, lightly clad in nankeen breeches, a cap of liberty, +and a Liberty silk shirt. He was writing cabalistically. He did not +know why, nor did he know what "cabalistically" meant. This was his +punishment. Why was he to be punished? Those who read shall hear. +The walls of the chamber were fitted with tubes, and electric wires, +and knobs and buttons. A bright fire burned on the hearth. The thick +Brussels carpet was littered with pot-boilers, all fizzing, and +sputtering, and steaming, like so many young Curates at a Penny +Reading. Suddenly the Philosopher looked up. He spoke to himself. +"Everything is ready," he said, and pressed a button by his side. +There was a sound as of a Continent expectorating, a distant nose +seemed to twang, the door opened, and a tall lantern-jawed gentleman, +wearing a goat-beard and an expression of dauntless cunning, stepped +into the room. + +"I guess you were waiting round for me," said Colonel ZEDEKIAH D. +GOBANG (for it was indeed he), and sat down in an empty armchair, as +if nothing had happened. + +The Philosopher appeared not to notice. "Next character, please," +he said, pulling out a long stop, and placing his square leg on the +wicket which gave admission to his laboratory, while he waited for the +entrance of the Third Man. There came a murmur like the buzz of a ton +of blasting powder, in a state of excitement. A choir of angels seemed +to whisper "Beefsteak and Pale Ale," as Lord JOHN BULLPUP dashed, +without a trace of emotion, into the room, and sneezed three times +without stopping to wipe his boots on the mat. + +"One more," said the Philosopher. He hurled himself, feet first, at +the ceiling, knocked his head against the floor, and called down the +tube. "_J'y suis!_" came the answer, and the typical, light-hearted +Frenchman, M. le Docteur REVERSI, with his thousand thunders, and his +blue lower chest, tripped jauntily up to the other three. "And now," +remarked the Philosopher, "we have got the lot complete. The story can +start. Hurry up! Hark forrard! _En avant!_" + +CHAPTER II. + +"Lend me your ears," said the Philosopher. They lent them, but +without interest. Yet they were all keen business men. "Attention, +my friends!" he continued, somewhat annoyed. "You know why I have +summoned you. We have to make another journey together. The moon, the +sea, the earth--we have voyaged and journeyed to them, and they are +exhausted. It remains to visit the Sun, and to perform the journey +in an iceberg. Do you see? Colonel GOBANG will supply the craft, Lord +JOHN BULLPUP the stupid courage, and you, M. le Docteur," he added, +admiringly, "will of course take the cake." + +He paused, and waited for Lord JOHN's reply. It came prompt, and in +the expected words. + +"Is it a plum-pudding cake?" said Lord JOHN. The rest laughed +heartily. They loved their jokes, small and old. + +"Are we agreed?" + +"We are." + +"Have you anything to ask?" + +"Nothing. When do we start?" + +"We are on our way." + +"Shall we not melt as we approach?" + +"Certainly not." + +"How so?" + +"We shall have a constant frost." + +"Are you sure?" + +"Certain. I have taken in a supply of _Matinees_, and a stock of +Five-act Tragedies." + +"Good. But how to raise the wind?" + +Scarcely, had the question been asked, when a frightful explosion +shook the iceberg to its foundations. The Doctor rushed to the gasbag. +It was empty. He frowned. Lord JOHN was smoking his pipe; the Colonel +was turning over the pages of an old Algebra. He muttered to himself, +"That ought to figure it out. If _x_ = the amount of non-compressible +fluid consumed by a given labourer in _y_ days, find, by the +substitution of poached eggs for kippered herrings, how many tea-cups +it will take to make a transpontine hurricane. Yes," he went on, +"that's it. Yes, Sirree." And at these words the vast mass of +congealed water rose majestically out of the ocean, and floated off +into the nebular hypothesis. But the Philosopher had vanished. + +CHAPTER III. + +When the explosion narrated in the last chapter took place, the +Philosopher had been looking out of the window. The shock had hurled +him with the speed of a pirate 'bus through the air. Soon he became +a speck. Shortly afterwards he reached a point in his flight situated +exactly 40,000 miles over a London publisher's office. There was a +short contest. Centrifugal and centripetal fought for the mastery, and +the latter was victorious. The publisher was at home. The novel was +accepted, and the Philosopher started to rejoin his comrades lost in +the boundless tracts of space. + +CHAPTER IV. + +"My faith," said Lord JOHN, "I am getting tired of this. Shall we +never reach the Sun?" + +"Courage, my friend," was the well-known reply of the brave little +Doctor. "We deviated from our course one hair's-breadth on the twelfth +day. This is the fortieth day, and by the formula for the precession +of the equinoxes, squared by the parallelogram of an ellipsoidal +bath-bun fresh from the glass cylinder of a refreshment bar, we find +that we are now travelling in a perpetual circle at a distance of one +billion marine gasmeters from the Sun. I have now accounted for the +milk in the cocoa-nut." + +"But not," said the Philosopher, as he popped up through a concealed +trap-door, "for the hair outside. That remains for another volume." +With that, he rang a gong. The iceberg splintered into a thousand +pieces. The voyagers were each hurled violently down into their +respective countries, where a savage public was waiting to devour +them. + + * * * * * + +TOLSTOI ON TOBACCO. + + [Count TOLSTOI has been declaiming against Tobacco in + _The Contemporary Review_, and this in no way exaggerates + his views.] + + TOLSTOI fuming, in a pet, + Raves against the cigarette; + Says it's bad at any time, + Leads to every kind of crime; + And the man who smokes, quoth he, + Is as wicked as can be. + + TOLSTOI knew a man who said + He cut off a woman's head; + But, when half the deed was done. + Lo, the murderer's courage gone! + And he finished, 'tis no joke, + Only by the aid of smoke. + + TOLSTOI asks us, when do boys + First essay Nicotian joys? + And he answers, quite aghast, + When their innocence is past. + Gamblers smoke, and then again + Smoking pleases the insane. + + TOLSTOI, when he writes this stuff, + Swears he's serious enough; + Lately Marriage earned his sneers; + At Tobacco now he jeers; + Proving that, without the weed, + Some folks may be mad indeed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SERENADE; OR, OVER THE GARDEN WALL. + +(_Latest Transatlantic Version._)] + + "Replying to Sir JOHN MACDONALD's manifesto, Mr. MERCIER said + it was ridiculous to say that reciprocity was veiled treason, + and meant annexation to the United States."--_Times' Montreal + Correspondent_. + +_Uncle Sam (twangling his patent Reciprocity Banjo) sings_:-- + + Oh, my love my passion can hear--and see, + Over the garden wall; + She is sighing, and casting sheeps' eyes at me, + Over the garden wall: + Miss CANADA muses; look at her there! + My wooing and BULL's she is bound to compare, + And she pretty soon will to join me prepare, + Over the Garden Wall! + + _Chorus_ (_pianissimo_). + + Over the garden wall, + O sweetest girl of all! + Come along do, you'll never regret; + We were made for one another, you bet! + 'Tis time our lips in kisses met, + Over the Garden Wall! + + Your father will stamp and your father will rave, + Over the garden wall; + And like an old madman no doubt will behave, + Over the garden wall. + M'KINLEY has riled him, he's lost his head. + MAC's Tariff is stiff, but if me you'll wed, + I'll give Reciprocity, darling, instead, + Over the Garden Wall! + + _Chorus_ (_piano_). + + Over the garden wall! + MACDONALD is bound to fall. + 'Tis MAC against MAC, my Canadian pet. + And M'KINLEY is bound to win, you bet! + So join _me_, dear; we'll be happy yet, + Over the Garden Wall! + + One day you'll jump down on the other side, + Over the garden wall; + There's plenty of room, and my arms are wide. + Over the garden wall: + JOHNNY may jib, and Sir JOHN may kick, + I have an impression I'll lick them--slick; + So come like a darling and join me quick, + Over the Garden Wall! + + _Chorus_ (_forte_). + + Over the garden wall! + Dollars, dear, rule us all. + Patriot sentiment's pretty, and yet + Interest sways in the end, you bet! + MERCIER's right; so pop, my pet, + Over the Garden Wall! + + Where there's a will there's always a way, + Over the garden wall! + MACDONALD's a Boss, but he's had his day, + Over the garden wall! + Tariffs take money, but weddings are cheap, + So wait till old JOHNNY is snoring asleep, + Then give him the slip, and to JONATHAN creep. + Over the Garden Wall! + + _Chorus_ (_fortissimo_). + + Over the garden wall! + _Your_ "Grand Old Man" may squall, + And swear Miss CANADA's loyal yet. + But loyalty bows to Dollars--you bet! + 'Tis time our lips in union met + Over the Garden Wall! + + [_Left twangling seductively._ + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +DOMESTIC SERVICE.--My General Servant has just left me suddenly, on +the ridiculous excuse that she was being "killed by overwork." She was +not required to rise before 5 A.M., and she was generally in bed by +twelve. Our house is not large, though rather lofty, and there are +only fifteen in family. Of course I shall not pay her any wages, and +shall retain her boxes; but how can I _really_ punish her for her +shameful desertion?--CONSIDERATE. + +HAIR FALLING OFF.--My hair is coming off, not slowly, but in one +great circular patch at the top of the head. A malicious report has in +consequence been spread abroad in the neighbourhood that I have been +_scalped_! What course ought I to adopt to (1) recover damages against +my traducers, and (2) recover my hair?--LITTLE WOOL. + + * * * * * + +THE LIGHTS O' LONDON. + + "The first practical constructive step towards lighting the + City of London by means of electricity, was taken yesterday + (Feb. 3), when the LORD MAYOR placed in position the first + stone of the main junction-box for the electric conductors, + at the top of Walbrook, close under the shadow of the western + walls of the Mansion House."--_Times_. + +[Illustration: _Bill Sikes_. "WELL, I _HAM_ BLOWED! IF THEY'RE GOIN' +TO 'AVE THIS BEASTLY 'LECTRIC LIGHT ALL OVER THE PLACE--WOT'S TO +BECOME OF _HUS_?"] + +_Mr. William Sikes, Junior, loquitur_:-- + + Well, I _ham_ blowed! I say, look 'ere, you NANCY! + Old Gog and Magog _is_ woke up at last! + Goin' to hilluminate the City. Fancy!! + When this yer 'Lectric light is fairly cast + On every nook and corner, hole and entry + Of London, you and me is done, to-rights. + A Slop at every street-end standin' sentry, + Won't spile our game like lots o' 'Lectric Lights. + + The Lights o' London? Yah! That's bin all boko. + Were London _lighted_, how could you and me + Garotte a swell, or give a tight 'un toko? + We ain't got arf a chance where coves can _see_. + 'Tis darkness plays our game, and we've 'ad plenty, + But this means mischief, or my name ain't BILL. + Wy, not one pooty little plant in twenty + Could we pull orf if _light_ spiled pluck and skill. + + It's beastly, NAN, that's wot it is. Wy, blimy, + Narrer ill-lighted streets is our best friends. + Yer dingy nooks and slums, sombre and slimy, + Is gifts wot Prowidence most kyindly sends + To give hus chaps a chance of perks and pickins; + But if the Town's chock-full of "arc" and "glow," + With you and me, NAN, it will play the dickens. + We must turn 'onest, NAN, and _that_'s no go! + + 'Ang Science! Ile lamps and old Charlies--bless 'em!-- + Wos good for trade, _our_ trade. Ah! if my dad + Could see 'ow Larnin', Law, and Light oppress 'em, + Our good old cracksmen-gangs, he'd go stark mad. + As for the _Hartful Dodger_ and old _Fagin_, + Ah! they're well hout of it. Wot could they do + With Science and her bloomin' fireworks plaguin' + Their hartfullest little games the whole Town through? + + Our only 'ope, my NAN, is in the Noodles, + There's still some left in London I'll be bound. + To lurk a crib, prig wipes, sneak ladies' poodles, + Gits 'arder every day; we're watched all round. + Many a programme wot looks vastly pooty, + Mucked by the mugs, leads on to wus and wus. + But if they _do_ light up the dim, cramped, sooty. + Gog-ruled old Town--_wot's_ to become of _hus_? + + * * * * * + +MOST APPROPRIATE.--The Bishop of DURHAM has appointed Mr. T. +DIBDIN Chancellor of the Diocese of Durham. He already holds the +Chancellorships of Exeter and Rochester. Three Chancellorships, all +on the high sees too! "THOMAS DIBDIN" is the right man in the right +place. + + * * * * * + +PROVERB "UP TO DATE."--"Cumming events cast their shadows before." And +let's hope the shadows will be speedily dispelled. + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +(_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._) + +NO. VIII.-"SOLD AGAIN!" + + SCENE--_An Auction-room, breathing an air of solid, if + somewhat Philistinish suburban comfort and respectability. + Amidst a labyrinthine accumulation of household + furniture, a number of people are dispersed, many of them + substantial-looking middle-class male and female "buyers," + with lists and lead-pencils, on the look-out for "bargains," a + sprinkling of the ancient race, and an outer fringe of casual, + lounging, lookers-on. The gentleman in the rostrum is a + voluble personage, with a rapidly roving eye, of preternatural + quickness in picking up "bids." Attendants, shaggy men, + in soiled shirt-sleeves, with saw-dusty whiskers, and + husky voices. A pleasant-faced Paterfamilias, and his + "Good lady," are discovered inspecting a solidly-built, + well-seasoned, age-toned chest of mahogany drawers._ + +_Paterfamilias_ (_sotto voce_). Just what you want, my dear, as far as +I can see. What do _you_ think? + +[Illustration] + +_Materfamilias_. _I_ like the look of them much, JOHN. None of your +new, cheap, thinly-veneered, blown-together rubbish, smelling of +shavings and French-polish. Solid ma'ogany, every bit; the drawers run +as smoothly as could be wished, and--see! if there ain't actually some +sprigs of dry lavender still a laying in 'em! + +_Paterfamilias_ (_decidedly_). Just so, my dear, I shall certainly bid +for them. [_Marks his catalogue vigorously._ + +_Auctioneer_ (_dropping his hammer smartly_). Sold! Remove the +first-class feather-bed, SAM. Buyer o' _that_ has a bargain! (_Nodding +blandly to pleased purchaser_). Really the prices at which things are +going to-night are ruinous! 'Owever, there's no reserve, and the lucky +public gets the pull. The next article, Ladies and Gents, No. 471, is +a very superior, well-made, fully-seasoned, solid Spanish, ma'ogany +chest of drawers. Chest o' drawers, SAM! (_To Paterfamilias._) _Would_ +you mind standing a inch or so aside, Sir? Thanks! There they are, +Ladies and Gentlemen, open to hinspection, and warranted to bear +it. An unusually excellent lot, fit for the sleeping-apartment of a +prince, at a price within the means of a pork-butcher. (_Laughter._) +Oh, it's righteous, Gents. No 'umbug about _me_. There's quality, if +you like. Well worth a ten-pun note. What shall I have the pleasure +of saying for this very superior article? 'Ow much for the chest o' +drawers? Who bids for the ma'ogany chest? Thirty shillings. Thank +you, Sir! Any advance on thirty shillings? Thirty-five! _And_ six! +Thirty-five-and-six for this very desirable little lot! Worth five +times the amount, Ladies, as _you_ know! What do you think. Mum? [_To +Materfamilias, who smiles vaguely, and looks at her husband._ + +_Paterfamilias_. Two pounds! [_Feels he has made an impression._ + +_Auctioneer_. Two pounds! (_Confidentially to_ P.) _Your_ good lady +knows a good bit o' stuff when she sees it, Sir! Two pounds for the +chest! Two pounds! Any advance on a couple o' pounds? All done at +two pounds? Going at two pounds! (_Meeting silence, pretends to hear +another bid_). Two-pun-ten! Quite right, Sir! Very foolish to lose +such a superior harticle for a pound or two. Going at two-pun-ten! +Larst time, two-pun ten! Going--going--g-- + +_Paterfamilias_ (_hastily_). Two-fifteen! + +_Auctioneer_ (_cheerily_). Two-fifteen! (_Taking other imaginary +bids_.) Three-pounds! Three-five! (_Thank you, Madam_). Three-ten! +Going at three-ten! Last time, three-ten! (_To Paterfamilias._) Are +_you going to lose it, Sir?_ Worth double, I assure you! Ask your good +lady! + +_Materfamilias_ (_aside_). Bid three-fifteen, JOHN, but not a penny +more! + +_Paterfamilias_ (_weakly_). Three-fifteen! + +_Auctioneer_. Three-fifteen! Four! Going at four! Last time at four! +All done, four! Going, going--gone! (_Drops hammer_.) Sold at four +pounds, SAM! (_Looks round_.) Who bid four? [_No response, as the last +bid was imaginary._ + +_Sam_ (_huskily_). Gen'l'man as bid four jest slipped hout, Sir. + +_Auctioneer_ (_tartly_). Tut--tut--tut! _Too_ bad, really. Well, +Sir, then I must take _your_ bid. Sold to this Gentleman, SAM, at +Three-fifteen! + + [_Paterfamilias, highly pleased, pays deposit, and arranges to + send for his bargain in the morning. As he and his "good lady" + leave, they notice close by, three men with barrows, each + bearing a blazingly red and strongly-smelling chest of + drawers. Materfamilias complacently remarks on the manifest + superiority of the article they have purchased, to "that + red rubbish." Next morning they receive, instead of their + own "bargain," one of those identical brand-new, badly-made, + unseasoned, thinly-veneered "shop 'uns," which are "blown + together" by the gross for such purposes. They protest, but + vainly, notwithstanding their true assertion that the drawers + they received contain "fresh shavings" instead of the "sprigs + of blooming lavender" they had observed in those they thought + they had purchased. Paterfamilias, a week later, looking in + at the Auction-room, sees what he could swear to be the very + chest of drawers he had purchased being "sold again" in a + similar fashion._ + + * * * * * + +"MY PRETTY JANUS, OH NEVER LOOK SO SHY!" + +[Illustration: JANUS DRURIOLANUS. + +_Suggestion for Costume at another Masked Ball._] + +AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS is greater than ever. It is the penitential +season of Lent; some excellent persons renounce all worldly +amusements; others, not quite so excellent, and both lots thinking, it +may be, no small beer of themselves, we may term the first lot Treble +Excellent and the second Double Excellent--the latter division think +that concerts possibly, sacred concerts certainly, and certain other +forms of mild and non-theatrical entertainments, are of a sufficiently +severe character to constitute, as it were, a form of discipline. Then +there are the larger proportion of those "who," as _Mrs. Malaprop_ +would say, "'care for none of these things,' like GALILEO, my dear," +and who inquire. "What is the state of the odds as long as we think +we're happy?" and who would indulge in balls and theatres, and in +every other form of amusement, while such pursuits afforded them, or +seemed, to afford them, any pleasure. To the first section, i.e., the +"unco guid," DRURIOLANUS has nothing to offer, not even a course of +sermons by popular preachers; but to the two others he has much to +say. For these, last Saturday, he commenced the first of his series +of Lenten Oratorios at Covent Garden--it was the 14th of February, and +this was his Valentine--and on the 17th, i.e., the Tuesday afterwards, +having made, so to speak, a clean sweep of everything serious, out he +comes with his Fancy Dress and Masked Ball. _Elijah_ the Prophet, on +Saturday, in the Covent Garden Calendar, must be reckoned among the +"minor profits," seeing that the biggest profit would be found in the +_Bal Masque_ on Tuesday. Over the doors should be the motto, "_Festina +Lente_," whereof the Druriolanian translation must be, "Keep it up in +Lent." _Ave Janus Druriolanus!_ + + * * * * * + +OLD TIMES REVIVED. + +[Illustration] + +What! when _London Assurance_ is going off so well every night, +isn't it a pity that it should go off altogether? CHARLES WYNDHAM +as _Dazzle_ is delightfully flashy, and FARREN as the old beau, _Sir +Harcourt_, admirable. Miss MOORE charming, Mrs. BEERE bright and +sparkling; BOURCHIER quite up to "the Oxonian" mark of _Tom and +Jerry_; BLAKELEY delicious, and GIDDENS as good a _Dolly Spanker_ as +you'd wish to see. It's too good to be "taken off." Not that the piece +itself is a perfect gem, but the acting! _Tout est la._ Oddsfish, +your Majesty, CHARLES REX, Merry Monarch of the Cri, don't remove it +altogether, but let us have it just once or twice a week during the +season. CHARLES, "our friend," do! It's worth while, if but to see you +sitting carelessly at the end of the piece in that chair, R.H., as if +you didn't care for anything or anybody. Only--cut the tag and come to +the Curtain. + + * * * * * + +THE ETHICS OF MATCH-BOXES. + +BY COUNT DOLLSTOI. + +(_INTENDED FOR A CONTEMPORARY, BUT FOUND TO BE TOO SHORT._) + +I. + +What is the true explanation of the use which people make of +matches--of safety matches, wooden matches, wax matches, and, less +commonly, of fusees? Ask any man why he uses such things, and he will +tell you that he does it to get a light, or because others do it. + +Is this true? You will probably think so. Let us examine the question. +Why does a man hold his hand in front of a match when he lights it in +the street? To screen it from the wind, or _to hide it from the sight +of passers-by?_ Why do ladies leave the dinner-table before the men +begin to smoke? To avoid the smell of tobacco--which is well known to +be aromatic, healthy, and delightful--or _because the natural modesty +of women shrinks from witnessing the striking of a match?_ Why, in a +railway-carriage, do you hold your fusee out of window when you light +it? Is it because you do not care about being half-choked--a paltry +plea--or is it to conceal from young persons who may be in the +carriage the sparkle which must inevitably remind them of wicked and +alluring eyes? + +"_To get a light, or because others do it._" Is that true? Do not +trifle with the question. Read all my works. Do not get them from a +contemptible circulating library, but buy them. + +II. + +Some may not yet be convinced that the striking of matches is +suggestive and immoral. To me nearly everything is suggestive, but +there are some stupid persons in England. I will be patient with them, +and give them more evidence. + +A wax match is called a vesta. Who was Vesta? But this is too +horrible. I cannot pursue this point in a periodical which is read in +families. I can only refer you to the classical dictionary, and remind +you that everything must infallibly suggest its opposite. Again, +there are matches which strike _only_ on the box. It distresses me to +write these words. The idea of "onlyness," of restriction, must bring +matrimony to the mind of everyone. If you do not know what I think +about marriage, buy _The Kreutzer Sonata_. It is not customary to have +more than one wife. Consequently, anything which has _one_ in it--as, +for instance, the date of WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR--reminds me of +marriage, and is, therefore, degrading. Why, the very word "match" +suggests marriage: and yet we allow young children to sell whole boxes +of them in the streets. Horrible! Do you think our lower orders would +become discontented, and strike, if they had not seen matches doing it +first? Still more horrible! + +Finally, you strike a match that never struck you, that never offended +you in any way. Is that just, or even manly? Yet, in nine cases out of +ten, the law takes no notice of the offence. + +"_To get a light, or because others do it._" Are you not convinced now +that, when you use these words, you are not speaking the truth? + +III. + +I do not think I ever met anybody who was quite as moral, or quite as +original, as I am. You should give a complete set of my works to each +of your children. I might have generalised on the ill-effects of those +vices from a special case--my own case. Had I done so, I could have +got it printed. I can get anything printed that I write. I preferred +to take a newer line, and to show you how vile you are when you use +matches. Everything is vile. But you are wondering, perhaps, how a +great novelist becomes a small faddist. You must wait till next month, +and then read my article on the immorality of parting one's hair with +a comb. A common table-fork is the only pure thing with which one can +part one's hair. Combs deaden the conscience. But more of this anon. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +What is this the Baron reads in the _D.T._ of Feb. 9, and in the +_Daily Graphic_ of the same date? Here is a portion of the extract +from the _D.T._:--"The Monthly Meeting of that quaint Literary +Society, 'Ye Odd Volumes,' at Limmer's Hotel, brought together not +merely a goodly show of the Volumes themselves, but an unusually +large array of visitors," and then follows the distinguished list, the +crowning point being reached when we come to the name of "The Baron de +BOOK-WORMS of _Punch_," and in the _Daily Graphic_ the daring reporter +goes a step farther, as, after giving the name of a certain honoured +guest, he parenthetically explains that this academical _convive_ +is _the_ "Baron de B.-W.!" _Erreur_! I, the Baron de B.-W., being of +sound mind and body, hereby declare that _the Baron himself was not +present_. And why? Well, do my readers remember the honest milk-maid's +retort to the coxcomb who said he wouldn't marry her? Good. Then, +substituting "me" for "you," and "he" for "she," the Baron can adopt +the maiden's reply. After this, other reasons would be superfluous. + +How came the reporter to fall into so great an error? Who misinformed +him? A worthy henchman, as indignant as was _Sam Weller_ when he +found his beloved master's name trifled with, writes to ask me, "Ain't +nobody to be whopped for takin' this here liberty, Sir?" With the +immortal _Mr. Pickwick_, the Baron replies, "Certainly not. Not on any +account." And, whatever that sturdy henchman may murmur to himself, he +at once obeys. "Bring me my books!" cries the Baron, "I am off to the +review." + +The Baron's Deputy writes, that he has again been steeping himself in +poetry, and reports as follows:--_Ionica_ (GEORGE ALLEN) is a little +volume, which no admirer of true poetry should fail to possess. The +author now calls himself W. CORY, but he was known by a different name +to many generations of Etonians. His Muse generally wears a classical +robe, but her speech is always delightfully musical. She has beautiful +cadences, that haunt the memory like some old _Volkslied_. In spite of +a careless confusion between "thou" and "you," I defy anybody to read +"_Heraclitus_," to take only one instance, without a sense of pleasure +which will compel him to learn the two verses by heart. But the Muse +is pathetic, playful, and patriotic, too, when the occasion fits, and, +whatever she sings, she sings with genuine taste and feeling. Would +that we might hope for more of her pure music. So far the Deputy. + +Was that excentric character in _David Copperfield_ nameless, who +was represented as sitting in some sort of slop-shop, wheezing out +fiercely, "O my lights and liver! O goroo, goroo!" I think DICKENS +didn't give him a name, good or bad; but his constant repetition of +the above outlandish exclamations has impressed upon him an awful +and terrific personality, which places him among the more popular +creations of Dickensian genius. Of what is this _a propos_? you +will ask the Baron. "Well," he will make reply, "it is _a propos_ of +cookery books, and bookery cooks; the latter being those who are not +above teaching themselves from the sacred books of Cookery, and who +can put in practice the lessons they learn therein. Now," quoth the +Baron, "let me recommend you to ask at CHAPMAN AND HALL's for _Hilda's +'Where Is It' of Recipes_, a work got up as simply and substantially +as a good dinner should be, with 'pages in waiting,' quite blank, +all ready for your notes,--the book, like a dining-table, being +appropriately interleaved; and there is, happy thought, a pencil in +the cover-side most handy for the intending Lucullus." The season +of Lent is an excellent one for cookery-books, because you can be +studying for the dinner-giving season, and then--do not forget the +generally excellent advice of your friend, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK." + +"THERE NOW, MR. MOSS! _THERE'S_ A PICTURE FOR YER! WHY, HE'S REGULAR +DOWNRIGHT _BUILT_ FOR YER, THAT LITTLE 'ORSE IS! SUIT YER TO A T,--AND +DIRT-CHEAP AT A HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY GUINEAS!" + +"EXACTLY, MR. ISAACS. KNOCK OFF THE HUNDRED, AND HE'S MINE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE RIVAL "JARVIES;" + +OR, THE IRISH JAUNTING CAR. + +AIR:--"_THE LOW-BACKED CAR_." + +"_Honest John" sings_:-- + + When first I knew CH-RL-S ST-RT, + 'Twas in a happier day, + The Jaunting Car he drove in + Went gaily all the way. + But now the Car seems all askew, + Lop-wheel'd, and slack of spring; + Myself and WILL, in fear of a spill, + Feel little disposed to sing, + As we sit on the Jaunting Car, + The drivers at open war, + Seem little to care + For a Grand Old Fare, + As they fight for the Jaunting Car. + + CH-RL-S ST-RT at one rein, Sir, + And J-ST-N at the other. + Give prospect small of progress + In pummelling one another. + As Honest JOHN my chance is gone + Of helping ill-used PAT, + If the Union of Hearts in Shindy starts, + And the Message of Peace falls flat. + WILL and I on the Jaunting Car, + With the couple of Jarvies at war, + Are sad to our souls, + Wherefore win at the polls + If we lose on the Jaunting Car? + + In battle's wild commotion, + With proud and hostile SM-TH, + O'er Land or Tithe, our hearts were blithe, + Till P-RN-LL sapped our pith. + But "Mr. Fox's" lethal darts + Make "Union" all my eye; + Our ranks they thin (whilst our enemies grin), + As right and left they fly. + Though we cling to the Jaunting Car, + We were better out of it, by far; + Not the G.O.M.'s art + Can those Jarvies part + Who fight for the Jaunting Car. + + I rather like this Car, Sir, + With GL-DST-NE by my side; + But row galore is an awful bore. + When two would-be whips collide. + With J-ST-N seated forninst us, + To victory we _might_ haste, + But with squabbling bhoys, and a deuce of a noise, + _Our_ efforts are cut to waste. + Though we're perched on the Jaunting Car, + Our purpose these madmen mar, + Whilst W-LL-M and I, + With a tear and a sigh, + Hold on to the Jaunting Car. + + * * * * * + +PAR ABOUT PICTURES.--Messrs. J. and W. VOKINS, Great Portland Street, +have an interesting loan collection of some of the Old Giants of the +English Water-colour School on view. There may be found TURNER, DE +WINT, WILLIAM HUNT, HOLLAND, COPLEY FIELDING, STANFIELD, MULREADY, +J.D. HARDING, besides many others. How good are the Old Giants, and +their works are as bright and fresh as the day they were painted. +Their reputations have not faded, neither have their pictures, and +moreover, they are not likely to. And so say all of us! And so says, +Yours paragonically, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +THE HUNDRED-AND-TEN-TONNER! + + What is it, that, with labour skilled, + Though taking full three years to build, + The place of better weapons filled? + The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner! + + What was it, though, that had to stoop, + When fired, to putting on a hoop, + Spite this, yet found its muzzle "droop"? + The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner! + + And what, that matters made more hot, + Such curious ammunition got, + It cost L400 a shot? + The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner! + + Yet, much to the tax-payer's bliss, + What, firing such a sum as this. + At eighteen hundred yards would miss? + The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner! + + What is it, spite the First Lord's grace, + That guns of better make and case + At half the cost could well replace? + The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner! + + So, what no more upon the deep + Should JOHN BULL floating useless keep, + But quickly from his Navy sweep? + The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner! + + * * * * * + +PROPOSED TUNNEL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND IRELAND.--An Irishman observed +this would bridge over a lot of difficulties; he begged pardon, he +meant it would Leth-bridge them over. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RIVAL "JARVIES." + +J. M-RL-Y. "DRIVE ON, McCARTHY!--IT'S _YOUR_ JOB!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUNTING SKETCH. + +THE LOST SHOE, OR LATE FOR THE MEAT.] + + * * * * * + +CANDOUR IN COURT. + + [In _Savell v. the Duke of Westminster_, Lord ESHER, Master + of the Bolls, said:--"It was the demands for interrogatories + and discovery of documents and commissions in cases of this + simple nature which had made the practice of the Common Law so + expensive, and caused the public to fly from Courts of Law as + from a pestilence. This oppression must be put down."] + + "How does it hap," quoth ESHER, M.R., + "That Solicitors languish for lack of bread? + That want of cases, as felt by the Bar, + To cases of want has recently led? + Oh, how does it come, and why, and whence, + That men shun the Law as a pestilence? + + "It can't be denied that the public tries + To avoid an action by every means; + To a Court it with much reluctance hies, + And to arbitration madly leans. + In fact--I say it without offence-- + It shuns the Law as a pestilence. + + "'Tis all the fault," said this great Law Lord, + "Of demands for inspection, and similar pleas; + Of expenses that neither side can afford, + Commissions and interrogator-ees; + Till Pelion's piled on Ossa--and hence + Men shun the Law as a pestilence. + + "_I_ call it oppression, and I'm a Judge! + We must put it down, for the wrong's acute; + And then the public no fees will grudge, + But will rush to get suited with a suit; + For Law, the perfection of common sense, + Should never be shunned as a pestilence!" + + * * * * * + +KING JOHN AT OXFORD. + +The Oxford University Dramatic Society have acted another Shakspearian +play with conspicuous success. To say that the O.U.D.S. have acted a +play of SHAKSPEARE is to say nothing, seeing that they are compelled, +under fear of the most dreadful punishments known to the University +Calendar, to confine their histrionic efforts to the drama as +SHAKSPEARE wrote it, with an occasional excursion into the dramatic +verse of BROWNING. A great many, however, of the most influential +members of the Hebdomadal Council are said to view any such departure +from SHAKSPEARE with alarm, as calculated to impair the discipline and +sap the morality of the tender nurselings confided to their charge, +and it is doubtful if the experiment will be repeated. Long live the +legitimate drama, say I, and so say all of us. But, after all, it may +be questioned whether those who can listen unharmed to the broad, and, +if I may say so, "illegitimate" humour of _Faulconbridge_ in _King +John_ would take much damage from SHERIDAN, or LYTTON, or TOM +TAYLOR, or even--though I make this particular suggestion with bated +breath--from the performance of such burlesques as the A.D.C. at +Cambridge from time to time offers to its patrons. + +All this is, however, by the way. We must take the O.U.D.S. as we find +it, and I must confess I found it in a very strong and flourishing +condition during the performance of _King John_. The audience is not +an easy one to act to. Not that it errs on the side of over-criticism. +Rather it is too painfully friendly and familiar with the actors. Here +is a stray example culled from the Stalls:-- + + _Enter_ King PHILIP, _the_ DAUPHIN, _and attendant Knights._ + +_Undergraduate in the Stalls_ (_to his Neighbour_). Halloa! There's +old Johnnie in chain armour and a helmet. Did you ever see such a rum +'un? Let's make him laugh. + + [_They do, and the unfortunate Knight infects his fellow + Knights at a moment when a specially stern demeanour is + required._ + +Or again, as here:-- + + _The_ DAUPHIN _places his arm round the waist of the_ Lady + BLANCH, _and conducts her to the back of the stage._ + +_Voice in the Dress Circle_. Look out for the Proctor! + + [_General laughter._ + +But in spite of these and similar exuberances, the play went well from +first to last, and the enthusiasm of the audience was unbounded. +It was stated on the programme that Mr. HENRY IRVING had lent the +chain-mail and the tapestries. I have come to the conclusion that he +lent himself as well, and then went and pretended he was his own son. +At any rate, while Mr. HENRY IRVING (stated to be of New College) was +declaiming as _King John_, I could have sworn that the impersonator +of _Shylock_ and _Macbeth_ was walking the stage. Voice, gesture, +and even mannerisms were there, toned down, of course, to suit the +academic atmosphere, but manifest to all who know and love the great +original. My hearty congratulations to the actor, whoever he was, on a +most carefully studied and dignified rendering of his difficult part. +Mr. ALAN MACKINNON, who grouped and arranged the whole of the play, +was vigorous and spirited as _Faulconbridge_. He delivered his insults +with immense force and go. The letter "_r_" is not an easy one for +him to pronounce, but he struggled manfully with this obstacle, and +after a time I got perfectly accustomed to the bold tones in which +he ordered _Austria_ to "hang a calf-skin chround those chrechreant +limbs." _King Philip's_ legs were, perhaps, too much inclined to +independence, and never quite seemed to have made up their minds +where they would settle down, but when once they were fixed the King +was every inch a King. Little Miss MABEL HOARE made us all weep +copiously as _Arthur_. I have kept _Hubert_ to the last, in order to +emphasise my opinion that Mr. CLARK, of New College, who acted this +tender-hearted Chamberlain, carried off the chief honours of the +performance. For consistent and restrained force, it would not have +been easy to match Mr. CLARK's impersonation. Lady RADNOR's band was +delightful, in light-blue and pink bows. + +The fight in the Second Act was tremendous. Never have I seen such +dreadful blows delivered with such immense vigour on any other stage. +A very polite French Knight who had taken part in the combat accorded +me the honour of an interview afterwards. I congratulated him, and +suggested that so realistic a battle must have been long and carefully +rehearsed. "Rehearsals!" he laughed; "not a bit of it. We just lace +into one another's heads as hard as we can lick." For the benefit +of Mr. D'OYLY CARTE and other fighting managers I have given these +admirable words as they were spoken. + +I had almost forgotten the ladies. There were three, Miss FFYTCHE, +Mrs. CHARLES SIM, and Miss DOWSON, and they were all good--especially +Mrs. SIM as _Constance_. + +And so farewell, for the present, to the O.U.D.S. and to Oxford. I may +mention, by the way, that hospitality is as extensive and port wine +as abundant as ever in the neighbourhood of the High. _Experto crede._ +Yours to a turn, A VAGRANT. + + * * * * * + +A SOUTH-AFRICAN SENTIMENT. + +(_SEE PAPERS PASSIM._) + + The Colossus of Rhodes as a marvel they toss us; + To which we retort, _our_ RHODES _is_ a Colossus! + + * * * * * + +A READY-MADE MILITARY CHAPLAIN.--"The Rev. the Dean of Battle." +Evidently of the Church militant. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. NO. 1.--THE G.O.M. VARIETY +ENTERTAINER.] + + * * * * * + +THE PINK OF COURTESY, AND A TRUE BLUE. + +Last week a Cambridge Graduate, a Layman, not a Reverend Don, kindly +coached the Oxford Eight. The great Duke of WELLINGTON, courteously +instructing the French Army how to defeat the English, would be an +historical parallel. It is to be hoped that this sublime example of +unselfish devotion to aquatic sport will be followed in other walks +of life. We may expect to learn from the daily papers how,-- + +On Monday a Cabinet Council was held at Downing Street. Lord SALISBURY +presided, and Mr. W.H. SMITH being indisposed, Mr. W.E. GLADSTONE (at +a moment's notice) kindly consented to take his place. + +On Tuesday General CAPRIVI went on leave, his place as confidential +adviser to the Emperor of GERMANY being supplied during his absence +by Prince Von BISMARCK. + +The Czar of RUSSIA, wishing to take a short holiday in Denmark, has +arranged that his place shall be supplied by Prince ALEXANDER, once of +Battenberg, and late of Bulgaria. Before his return to St. Petersburg +His Majesty is likely to spend some time as the guest of several +leading Nihilists. + +On Wednesday President CARNOT paid a long visit to General BOULANGER, +with a view to submitting to that eminent statesman a scheme for the +reorganisation of the French Army. + +On Thursday the King of ITALY, having arranged to accompany Signor +CRISPI in a yachting cruise to South America, the POPE took up his +residence at the Quirinal, and presided at a National Council. Later +in the day his Holiness reviewed the Roman garrison. + +On Friday Mr. O'BRIEN gave a numerously attended "at home" in his new +prison. Amongst those present were Mr. GLADSTONE, Lord SALISBURY, +Mr. PARNELL, Mr. MCCARTHY, and Mr. TIM HEALY. It is understood that +the result of this amicable meeting will be found in a spirit of +reciprocity exhibited in the anti-Parnellites writing Mr. PARNELL's +manifestoes for the Parnellites, and _vice versa_. + + * * * * * + +QUERY BY IGNORAMUS.--From the _Times_' "Court Circular," Feb. +11:--"The following Ladies and Gentlemen had the honour of receiving +invitations, and being received by HER MAJESTY afterwards in the +Drawing Room." Well, Sir (writes our Correspondent) and where are they +usually received? In the kitchen? The report doesn't mention whether +it was the front or back Drawing Room. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INCONVENIENCE OF MODERN MALE ATTIRE. + +_First Stranger_. "HERE--HI! I WANT A KNIFE AND FORK, PLEASE!" + +_Second Stranger_. "CON-FOUND YOU--SO DO I!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 9_.--The ATTORNEY-GENERAL, with +copy of Orders in his hand, casts reproachful, almost angry, glance +on the harmless HOWORTH; that great diplomatist just dropped in +from Arlington Street; been to see the MARKISS, and give him latest +instructions as to conduct of public affairs, more especially with +respect to Behring Sea, the Northampton Election, the Newfoundland +Fisheries difficulty, and Assisted Education. A little fatigued with +his exertions; doesn't observe WEBSTER's woful regard. + +[Illustration: Caustic Causton.] + +"If it hadn't been for him," ATTORNEY-GENERAL mutters, still glaring +on elect of Salford, "shouldn't have to be down here now, answering +these sort of questions." + +No doubt HOWORTH was, though undesignedly, originator of the business. +Saw in incident of Hartlepool election an opening for minimising +effect. Wrapped purpose up in form of question addressed to +ATTORNEY-GENERAL. Question in subtly diplomatic form insinuated +against FURNESS charge of breach of Corrupt Practice Act. +ATTORNEY-GENERAL, knowing that HOWORTH is the man who pulls the +strings of statecraft, not only in Salford and London, but in +Berlin and St. Petersburg, did not venture to decline to answer; +gravely played up to his lead. Opposition laughed and cheered; saw +their opening, and have since diligently filled it. Scarcely day +passed since that questions on hypothetical cases, addressed to +ATTORNEY-GENERAL, have not appeared on Orders. As they are moulded on +HOWORTH's, which he answered fully, even genially, difficult to refuse +reply. But there must be a limit to this kind of thing; reached to-day +when caustic CAUSTON comes forward with request for gratuitous opinion +on case submitted, involving difficult question of eligibility of +Catholics for seat on Woolsack. SUMMERS, who, depressed by Irish +domestic difficulty, hasn't put a question for three weeks, goaded +into activity; puts down another on same subject. Mr. ATTORNEY +respectfully declines to answer either. Opposition yell with derisive +cheers. + +Mr. ATTORNEY a man of equable temper, but this too much for him. Must +find object of attack somewhere. Waited till HOWORTH had said adieu +to five ladies whom he had been showing round the House. "Look here, +HOWORTH," said Mr. ATTORNEY, his amiable visage clouded with unwonted +wrath, "you content yourself with looking after the MARKISS, and +keeping him straight, but don't you come round me any more with your +confoundedly clever questions." + +_Business done_.--Tithe Bill still on Report stage. + +_Tuesday_.--Met JOHN MORLEY in corridor just now walking along with +long stride and troubled countenance. "What's the matter?" I asked. +"Is the French Revolution still troubling you, or are you in fresh +difficulties On Compromise?" + +"No, dear TOBY," he said; "like MARTHA, I am troubled with none of +these things. The fact is, I am pining for opportunity to give battle +to BALFOUR in the matter of his Government of Ireland. You remember +I tabled notice of a Motion on the matter as soon as the House met +in November. Then I was so anxious, so absorbed in the subject, that +I forgot all about it till Brer FOX and Brer RABBIT appeared on the +scene, and bid against each other for precedence. Thereupon I pulled +my Resolution out of pigeon-hole; reminded OLD MORALITY of my prior +claim; had it admitted, and day fixed. Should have come on last +Monday, you know. Tithes Bill in hand all last week; everybody tired +of it; agree there's really nothing in it; Opposition smouldering out; +then suddenly, my Motion having been put down for Monday, interest in +Tithes Bill swells; becomes absorbing. Couldn't possibly finish last +Thursday; everyone so urgent to continue debate that House was Counted +Out on Friday; yesterday was appropriated for further debate on Report +stage; Thursday next is taken for Third Reading, and I'm put off till +Monday." + +"And who arranged all this?" I asked, with unfeigned sympathy. + +[Illustration: Walking it Off.] + +"Well, it was our fellows, you know, with assistance of Irish Members. +We are all so anxious to have it out with Prince ARTHUR that we made +it impossible for debate on his iniquities to come on this week. TIM +HEALY suddenly developed personal interest in Tithes Bill. Put down +several new Clauses. So succeeded in perhaps indefinitely deferring +debate on my Resolution. You know little, TOBY, of the thirst for +battle. It's more exhausting than the conflict itself. You'll excuse +me, I'll take another turn; to walk off the restless excitement is the +only hope left for me." + +And crossing his hands behind him, honest JOHN was off again, down the +corridor, his red necktie gleaming in the further recesses like the +lurid light of battle. + +_Business done_.--Tithes Bill through Report stage. + +_Wednesday_.--Marriage with Deceased Wife's Sister Bill on again. A +hardy annual, carefully cultured in Commons, and regularly nipped +in Lords. The speeches to-day naturally did not present any features +riotously novel. HALL of Oxford (not the University, but the Brewery) +seconded Motion for rejection of Bill. A beautiful speech, I thought, +full of touching sentiments, delivered with much unction. His plea for +the sanctity of sisterhood brought tears into eyes unused to excessive +moisture. Didn't seem to have much to do with the Bill, but very +touching. + +"Like evening bells," I said to the Member for Sark. + +"More like a barrel-organ," he responded, gruffly. "HALL has the +oratorical manner of a street-preacher, and the emptiness of a tankard +that a thirsty porter has held to his lips for sixty seconds. Like a +skilfully-drawn glass of his own four-half, he's mostly froth; only, +after all, there's something under the froth in the glass of 'HALL's +Hextra,' and there's nothing beneath the sound of HALL's ambitious +common-places." + +[Illustration: Hirsute Hints for Lord Randolph; or, the Art of +Political Make-up.] + +SARK often says nasty things; seems in particularly disagreeable mood +to-day. Even fell foul of the inoffensive Member for Crewe. WALTER +MCLAREN, whilst declaring himself strongly in favour of Bill, wanted +to throw it out because it didn't provide opportunity for women to +marry their deceased husband's brother. + +"McLAREN," snarled SARK, "is one of those typical Radicals who have no +toleration. He's the sort of man who would bite off his nose to spite +his face. Quiet, gentle, almost feminine, in his manner, he would +think nothing of boiling you and me in molten lead if we didn't cross +our t's exactly at the height he is accustomed to do, or dotted +our i's at an angle which did not conform with his views. Scratch a +Radical, TOBY my boy, and you'll find the Tyrant." + +I'll take care to do no such thing. + +_Business done_.--Deceased Wife's Sister Bill read Second Time by 202 +Votes against 155. + +_Thursday_.--After long period of anxiety, House to-night reassured. +GEDGE, who hasn't been seen since he disappeared after obstructing +passage through Committee of Tithes Bill, turned up again. Curiously +regarded by House; looked for signs of privation, but no falling +off visible, whether in physical contour or volume of voice. Tithes +Bill during his absence has gone through Committee and Report stage. +Now awaiting Third Reading. GEDGE proposed to continue his speech +interrupted by stroke of Midnight, when House in Committee. Fixed +himself obligingly behind GOSCHEN and HICKS-BEACH, so that they should +miss nothing of his counsel, and started off. Instantly arose stormy +cries for Division. GEDGE, wherever he has been, seems to have been +well-fed, and kept generally in good fettle. Cheerfully accepted +challenge to vocal contest. Every time he commenced sentence +the boisterous chorus, "'vide! 'vide! 'vide!" rang though House. +Opposition, who didn't want Bill, started it; Ministerialists, anxious +to see Bill pass, took it up; a roaring, excited crowd; amid them +GEDGE, grey-faced, imperturbable, with mouth wide open, shouting +in the ear of the pleased CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER. _Business +done_.--Tithes Bill read Third Time by 250 Votes against 161. + +[Illustration: "In rising to respond."] + +_Friday_.--The United Services come nobly to the front to-day, all +about Nelson's Pillar in Sackville Street, Dublin. However it may be +at Westminster, Irish Members can't abear obstruction at home; brought +in Bill to remove Monument lower down street; long debate; towards +close Admiral FIELD suddenly hove in sight; bore down on enemy. + +"As humble naval officer," he roared, as through a speaking-trumpet, +"I protest against addressing our immortal naval hero in the words of +the Poet, saying unto him, 'Friend, go down lower.'" + +General FRASER, V.C., sitting next to Admiral on Front Bench below +the Gangway; bosom swelled with generous emulation; Navy attacked; +duty of Army to come to its assistance. General doesn't often speak; +appearances as public orator chiefly confined to responding to +patriotic toast at dinners. This led him a little astray. Drawing +himself up to full height, setting hands on hips, he began, in deep +bass voice, "In rising to respond to this toast--" Then, remembering +where he was, he executed strategic retreat, and addressed himself to +SPEAKER. + +Spectacle of the two veterans defending memory of NELSON deeply +touched House. Nevertheless, Bill carried. _Business done_.--Counted +Out at Half-past Seven. + + * * * * * + +IN MONTAGU WILLIAMS' _Later Leaves_ there is a small error, but +of importance to the historian of the English Stage, which can be +corrected in the next edition:--Mr. KEELEY never played _Bob Mettles_, +and there is no such character in TOM TAYLOR's _Our Clerks. Bob +Nettles_ is one of the principal characters in _To Parents and +Guardians_, and it was played by Mrs. KEELEY, her husband playing +_Waddilove_. Middle-aged play-goers will remember both pieces; and in +the latter, no one will forget ALFRED WIGAN as the French Tutor. + + * * * * * + +CIVIL SERVICE NOTE.--The Directors of the Covent Garden Opera Company +present their compliments to the C.S. Examiners, and trust that they +will reconsider their determination to exclude the Italian language +from their list of subjects. The Directors will be happy to give every +facility to students during the forthcoming Opera season. Box Office +now open. Reduction on taking a quantity. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100. 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