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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.
+February 21, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. February 21, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 22, 2004 [EBook #13253]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+February 21, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. XIII.--THROUGH SPACE ON A FORMULA.
+
+(_BY_ RULES SPURN, _AUTHOR OF "GOWNED AND CURLED IN EIGHTY STAYS,"
+"TWENTY THOUSAND TWEAKS SUNDERED THE FLEA," "A TEA WITH ICE," "A
+DOCTOR ON ROCKS AND PEPPERMINT," "A CAB-FARE FROM 'THE SUN,'" "THE
+CONFIDENCE OF THE CONTINENT," "ATTORNEY TO DISSENTERS UP AT PERTH,"
+"LIEUTENANT SCATTERCASH," &C._)
+
+    ["This," writes the Author, "is one of my best and freshest,
+    although on a moderate computation it must be my thousand and
+    first, or so. But I have really lost count. Still it's grand
+    to talk in large numbers of leagues, miles, vastnesses,
+    secrets, mysteries, and impossible sciences. Some pedants
+    imagine that I write in French. That's absurd, for every
+    schoolboy knows (and lots of them have told me) that I write
+    only in English or in American. I have some highly dried
+    samples of vivid adventure ready for immediate consumption.
+    Twopence more and up goes the donkey, up, up, up to be
+    a satellite to an undiscovered star. Brave Donkey! I
+    follow."--R.S.]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+The iceberg was moving. There was no doubt of it. Moving with
+a terrible sinuous motion. Occasionally an incautious ironclad
+approached like a foolish hen, and pecked at the moving mass. Then
+there was a slight crash, followed by a mild convulsion of masts, and
+spars, and iron-plates, and 100-ton guns, then two or three gurgles
+and all was still. The iceberg passed on smiling in triumph, and
+British Admirals wrote to the _Times_ to declare that they had
+known from the first that H.M.S. _Thunderbomb_ had been so faultily
+constructed, as to make a contest with a hen-coop a certainty for the
+hen-coop.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+And still the iceberg was moving. Within its central chamber sat a
+venerable man, lightly clad in nankeen breeches, a cap of liberty,
+and a Liberty silk shirt. He was writing cabalistically. He did not
+know why, nor did he know what "cabalistically" meant. This was his
+punishment. Why was he to be punished? Those who read shall hear.
+The walls of the chamber were fitted with tubes, and electric wires,
+and knobs and buttons. A bright fire burned on the hearth. The thick
+Brussels carpet was littered with pot-boilers, all fizzing, and
+sputtering, and steaming, like so many young Curates at a Penny
+Reading. Suddenly the Philosopher looked up. He spoke to himself.
+"Everything is ready," he said, and pressed a button by his side.
+There was a sound as of a Continent expectorating, a distant nose
+seemed to twang, the door opened, and a tall lantern-jawed gentleman,
+wearing a goat-beard and an expression of dauntless cunning, stepped
+into the room.
+
+"I guess you were waiting round for me," said Colonel ZEDEKIAH D.
+GOBANG (for it was indeed he), and sat down in an empty armchair, as
+if nothing had happened.
+
+The Philosopher appeared not to notice. "Next character, please,"
+he said, pulling out a long stop, and placing his square leg on the
+wicket which gave admission to his laboratory, while he waited for the
+entrance of the Third Man. There came a murmur like the buzz of a ton
+of blasting powder, in a state of excitement. A choir of angels seemed
+to whisper "Beefsteak and Pale Ale," as Lord JOHN BULLPUP dashed,
+without a trace of emotion, into the room, and sneezed three times
+without stopping to wipe his boots on the mat.
+
+"One more," said the Philosopher. He hurled himself, feet first, at
+the ceiling, knocked his head against the floor, and called down the
+tube. "_J'y suis!_" came the answer, and the typical, light-hearted
+Frenchman, M. le Docteur REVERSI, with his thousand thunders, and his
+blue lower chest, tripped jauntily up to the other three. "And now,"
+remarked the Philosopher, "we have got the lot complete. The story can
+start. Hurry up! Hark forrard! _En avant!_"
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+"Lend me your ears," said the Philosopher. They lent them, but
+without interest. Yet they were all keen business men. "Attention,
+my friends!" he continued, somewhat annoyed. "You know why I have
+summoned you. We have to make another journey together. The moon, the
+sea, the earth--we have voyaged and journeyed to them, and they are
+exhausted. It remains to visit the Sun, and to perform the journey
+in an iceberg. Do you see? Colonel GOBANG will supply the craft, Lord
+JOHN BULLPUP the stupid courage, and you, M. le Docteur," he added,
+admiringly, "will of course take the cake."
+
+He paused, and waited for Lord JOHN's reply. It came prompt, and in
+the expected words.
+
+"Is it a plum-pudding cake?" said Lord JOHN. The rest laughed
+heartily. They loved their jokes, small and old.
+
+"Are we agreed?"
+
+"We are."
+
+"Have you anything to ask?"
+
+"Nothing. When do we start?"
+
+"We are on our way."
+
+"Shall we not melt as we approach?"
+
+"Certainly not."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"We shall have a constant frost."
+
+"Are you sure?"
+
+"Certain. I have taken in a supply of _Matinees_, and a stock of
+Five-act Tragedies."
+
+"Good. But how to raise the wind?"
+
+Scarcely, had the question been asked, when a frightful explosion
+shook the iceberg to its foundations. The Doctor rushed to the gasbag.
+It was empty. He frowned. Lord JOHN was smoking his pipe; the Colonel
+was turning over the pages of an old Algebra. He muttered to himself,
+"That ought to figure it out. If _x_ = the amount of non-compressible
+fluid consumed by a given labourer in _y_ days, find, by the
+substitution of poached eggs for kippered herrings, how many tea-cups
+it will take to make a transpontine hurricane. Yes," he went on,
+"that's it. Yes, Sirree." And at these words the vast mass of
+congealed water rose majestically out of the ocean, and floated off
+into the nebular hypothesis. But the Philosopher had vanished.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+When the explosion narrated in the last chapter took place, the
+Philosopher had been looking out of the window. The shock had hurled
+him with the speed of a pirate 'bus through the air. Soon he became
+a speck. Shortly afterwards he reached a point in his flight situated
+exactly 40,000 miles over a London publisher's office. There was a
+short contest. Centrifugal and centripetal fought for the mastery, and
+the latter was victorious. The publisher was at home. The novel was
+accepted, and the Philosopher started to rejoin his comrades lost in
+the boundless tracts of space.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+"My faith," said Lord JOHN, "I am getting tired of this. Shall we
+never reach the Sun?"
+
+"Courage, my friend," was the well-known reply of the brave little
+Doctor. "We deviated from our course one hair's-breadth on the twelfth
+day. This is the fortieth day, and by the formula for the precession
+of the equinoxes, squared by the parallelogram of an ellipsoidal
+bath-bun fresh from the glass cylinder of a refreshment bar, we find
+that we are now travelling in a perpetual circle at a distance of one
+billion marine gasmeters from the Sun. I have now accounted for the
+milk in the cocoa-nut."
+
+"But not," said the Philosopher, as he popped up through a concealed
+trap-door, "for the hair outside. That remains for another volume."
+With that, he rang a gong. The iceberg splintered into a thousand
+pieces. The voyagers were each hurled violently down into their
+respective countries, where a savage public was waiting to devour
+them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOLSTOI ON TOBACCO.
+
+    [Count TOLSTOI has been declaiming against Tobacco in
+    _The Contemporary Review_, and this in no way exaggerates
+    his views.]
+
+  TOLSTOI fuming, in a pet,
+  Raves against the cigarette;
+  Says it's bad at any time,
+  Leads to every kind of crime;
+  And the man who smokes, quoth he,
+  Is as wicked as can be.
+
+  TOLSTOI knew a man who said
+  He cut off a woman's head;
+  But, when half the deed was done.
+  Lo, the murderer's courage gone!
+  And he finished, 'tis no joke,
+  Only by the aid of smoke.
+
+  TOLSTOI asks us, when do boys
+  First essay Nicotian joys?
+  And he answers, quite aghast,
+  When their innocence is past.
+  Gamblers smoke, and then again
+  Smoking pleases the insane.
+
+  TOLSTOI, when he writes this stuff,
+  Swears he's serious enough;
+  Lately Marriage earned his sneers;
+  At Tobacco now he jeers;
+  Proving that, without the weed,
+  Some folks may be mad indeed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SERENADE; OR, OVER THE GARDEN WALL.
+
+(_Latest Transatlantic Version._)]
+
+    "Replying to Sir JOHN MACDONALD's manifesto, Mr. MERCIER said
+    it was ridiculous to say that reciprocity was veiled treason,
+    and meant annexation to the United States."--_Times' Montreal
+    Correspondent_.
+
+_Uncle Sam (twangling his patent Reciprocity Banjo) sings_:--
+
+  Oh, my love my passion can hear--and see,
+      Over the garden wall;
+  She is sighing, and casting sheeps' eyes at me,
+      Over the garden wall:
+  Miss CANADA muses; look at her there!
+  My wooing and BULL's she is bound to compare,
+  And she pretty soon will to join me prepare,
+        Over the Garden Wall!
+
+        _Chorus_ (_pianissimo_).
+
+        Over the garden wall,
+        O sweetest girl of all!
+    Come along do, you'll never regret;
+    We were made for one another, you bet!
+    'Tis time our lips in kisses met,
+        Over the Garden Wall!
+
+  Your father will stamp and your father will rave,
+        Over the garden wall;
+  And like an old madman no doubt will behave,
+        Over the garden wall.
+  M'KINLEY has riled him, he's lost his head.
+  MAC's Tariff is stiff, but if me you'll wed,
+  I'll give Reciprocity, darling, instead,
+        Over the Garden Wall!
+
+        _Chorus_ (_piano_).
+
+        Over the garden wall!
+        MACDONALD is bound to fall.
+    'Tis MAC against MAC, my Canadian pet.
+    And M'KINLEY is bound to win, you bet!
+    So join _me_, dear; we'll be happy yet,
+        Over the Garden Wall!
+
+  One day you'll jump down on the other side,
+        Over the garden wall;
+  There's plenty of room, and my arms are wide.
+        Over the garden wall:
+  JOHNNY may jib, and Sir JOHN may kick,
+  I have an impression I'll lick them--slick;
+  So come like a darling and join me quick,
+        Over the Garden Wall!
+
+        _Chorus_ (_forte_).
+
+        Over the garden wall!
+        Dollars, dear, rule us all.
+    Patriot sentiment's pretty, and yet
+    Interest sways in the end, you bet!
+    MERCIER's right; so pop, my pet,
+        Over the Garden Wall!
+
+  Where there's a will there's always a way,
+        Over the garden wall!
+  MACDONALD's a Boss, but he's had his day,
+        Over the garden wall!
+  Tariffs take money, but weddings are cheap,
+  So wait till old JOHNNY is snoring asleep,
+  Then give him the slip, and to JONATHAN creep.
+        Over the Garden Wall!
+
+       _Chorus_ (_fortissimo_).
+
+        Over the garden wall!
+        _Your_ "Grand Old Man" may squall,
+    And swear Miss CANADA's loyal yet.
+    But loyalty bows to Dollars--you bet!
+  'Tis time our lips in union met
+        Over the Garden Wall!
+
+    [_Left twangling seductively._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+DOMESTIC SERVICE.--My General Servant has just left me suddenly, on
+the ridiculous excuse that she was being "killed by overwork." She was
+not required to rise before 5 A.M., and she was generally in bed by
+twelve. Our house is not large, though rather lofty, and there are
+only fifteen in family. Of course I shall not pay her any wages, and
+shall retain her boxes; but how can I _really_ punish her for her
+shameful desertion?--CONSIDERATE.
+
+HAIR FALLING OFF.--My hair is coming off, not slowly, but in one
+great circular patch at the top of the head. A malicious report has in
+consequence been spread abroad in the neighbourhood that I have been
+_scalped_! What course ought I to adopt to (1) recover damages against
+my traducers, and (2) recover my hair?--LITTLE WOOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LIGHTS O' LONDON.
+
+    "The first practical constructive step towards lighting the
+    City of London by means of electricity, was taken yesterday
+    (Feb. 3), when the LORD MAYOR placed in position the first
+    stone of the main junction-box for the electric conductors,
+    at the top of Walbrook, close under the shadow of the western
+    walls of the Mansion House."--_Times_.
+
+[Illustration: _Bill Sikes_. "WELL, I _HAM_ BLOWED! IF THEY'RE GOIN'
+TO 'AVE THIS BEASTLY 'LECTRIC LIGHT ALL OVER THE PLACE--WOT'S TO
+BECOME OF _HUS_?"]
+
+_Mr. William Sikes, Junior, loquitur_:--
+
+  Well, I _ham_ blowed! I say, look 'ere, you NANCY!
+    Old Gog and Magog _is_ woke up at last!
+  Goin' to hilluminate the City. Fancy!!
+    When this yer 'Lectric light is fairly cast
+  On every nook and corner, hole and entry
+    Of London, you and me is done, to-rights.
+  A Slop at every street-end standin' sentry,
+   Won't spile our game like lots o' 'Lectric Lights.
+
+  The Lights o' London? Yah! That's bin all boko.
+    Were London _lighted_, how could you and me
+  Garotte a swell, or give a tight 'un toko?
+    We ain't got arf a chance where coves can _see_.
+  'Tis darkness plays our game, and we've 'ad plenty,
+    But this means mischief, or my name ain't BILL.
+  Wy, not one pooty little plant in twenty
+    Could we pull orf if _light_ spiled pluck and skill.
+
+  It's beastly, NAN, that's wot it is. Wy, blimy,
+    Narrer ill-lighted streets is our best friends.
+  Yer dingy nooks and slums, sombre and slimy,
+    Is gifts wot Prowidence most kyindly sends
+  To give hus chaps a chance of perks and pickins;
+    But if the Town's chock-full of "arc" and "glow,"
+  With you and me, NAN, it will play the dickens.
+    We must turn 'onest, NAN, and _that_'s no go!
+
+  'Ang Science! Ile lamps and old Charlies--bless 'em!--
+    Wos good for trade, _our_ trade. Ah! if my dad
+  Could see 'ow Larnin', Law, and Light oppress 'em,
+    Our good old cracksmen-gangs, he'd go stark mad.
+  As for the _Hartful Dodger_ and old _Fagin_,
+    Ah! they're well hout of it. Wot could they do
+  With Science and her bloomin' fireworks plaguin'
+    Their hartfullest little games the whole Town through?
+
+  Our only 'ope, my NAN, is in the Noodles,
+    There's still some left in London I'll be bound.
+  To lurk a crib, prig wipes, sneak ladies' poodles,
+    Gits 'arder every day; we're watched all round.
+  Many a programme wot looks vastly pooty,
+    Mucked by the mugs, leads on to wus and wus.
+  But if they _do_ light up the dim, cramped, sooty.
+    Gog-ruled old Town--_wot's_ to become of _hus_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOST APPROPRIATE.--The Bishop of DURHAM has appointed Mr. T.
+DIBDIN Chancellor of the Diocese of Durham. He already holds the
+Chancellorships of Exeter and Rochester. Three Chancellorships, all
+on the high sees too! "THOMAS DIBDIN" is the right man in the right
+place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERB "UP TO DATE."--"Cumming events cast their shadows before." And
+let's hope the shadows will be speedily dispelled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW IT'S DONE.
+
+(_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._)
+
+NO. VIII.-"SOLD AGAIN!"
+
+    SCENE--_An Auction-room, breathing an air of solid, if
+    somewhat Philistinish suburban comfort and respectability.
+    Amidst a labyrinthine accumulation of household
+    furniture, a number of people are dispersed, many of them
+    substantial-looking middle-class male and female "buyers,"
+    with lists and lead-pencils, on the look-out for "bargains," a
+    sprinkling of the ancient race, and an outer fringe of casual,
+    lounging, lookers-on. The gentleman in the rostrum is a
+    voluble personage, with a rapidly roving eye, of preternatural
+    quickness in picking up "bids." Attendants, shaggy men,
+    in soiled shirt-sleeves, with saw-dusty whiskers, and
+    husky voices. A pleasant-faced Paterfamilias, and his
+    "Good lady," are discovered inspecting a solidly-built,
+    well-seasoned, age-toned chest of mahogany drawers._
+
+_Paterfamilias_ (_sotto voce_). Just what you want, my dear, as far as
+I can see. What do _you_ think?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Materfamilias_. _I_ like the look of them much, JOHN. None of your
+new, cheap, thinly-veneered, blown-together rubbish, smelling of
+shavings and French-polish. Solid ma'ogany, every bit; the drawers run
+as smoothly as could be wished, and--see! if there ain't actually some
+sprigs of dry lavender still a laying in 'em!
+
+_Paterfamilias_ (_decidedly_). Just so, my dear, I shall certainly bid
+for them. [_Marks his catalogue vigorously._
+
+_Auctioneer_ (_dropping his hammer smartly_). Sold! Remove the
+first-class feather-bed, SAM. Buyer o' _that_ has a bargain! (_Nodding
+blandly to pleased purchaser_). Really the prices at which things are
+going to-night are ruinous! 'Owever, there's no reserve, and the lucky
+public gets the pull. The next article, Ladies and Gents, No. 471, is
+a very superior, well-made, fully-seasoned, solid Spanish, ma'ogany
+chest of drawers. Chest o' drawers, SAM! (_To Paterfamilias._) _Would_
+you mind standing a inch or so aside, Sir? Thanks! There they are,
+Ladies and Gentlemen, open to hinspection, and warranted to bear
+it. An unusually excellent lot, fit for the sleeping-apartment of a
+prince, at a price within the means of a pork-butcher. (_Laughter._)
+Oh, it's righteous, Gents. No 'umbug about _me_. There's quality, if
+you like. Well worth a ten-pun note. What shall I have the pleasure
+of saying for this very superior article? 'Ow much for the chest o'
+drawers? Who bids for the ma'ogany chest? Thirty shillings. Thank
+you, Sir! Any advance on thirty shillings? Thirty-five! _And_ six!
+Thirty-five-and-six for this very desirable little lot! Worth five
+times the amount, Ladies, as _you_ know! What do you think. Mum? [_To
+Materfamilias, who smiles vaguely, and looks at her husband._
+
+_Paterfamilias_. Two pounds! [_Feels he has made an impression._
+
+_Auctioneer_. Two pounds! (_Confidentially to_ P.) _Your_ good lady
+knows a good bit o' stuff when she sees it, Sir! Two pounds for the
+chest! Two pounds! Any advance on a couple o' pounds? All done at
+two pounds? Going at two pounds! (_Meeting silence, pretends to hear
+another bid_). Two-pun-ten! Quite right, Sir! Very foolish to lose
+such a superior harticle for a pound or two. Going at two-pun-ten!
+Larst time, two-pun ten! Going--going--g--
+
+_Paterfamilias_ (_hastily_). Two-fifteen!
+
+_Auctioneer_ (_cheerily_). Two-fifteen! (_Taking other imaginary
+bids_.) Three-pounds! Three-five! (_Thank you, Madam_). Three-ten!
+Going at three-ten! Last time, three-ten! (_To Paterfamilias._) Are
+_you going to lose it, Sir?_ Worth double, I assure you! Ask your good
+lady!
+
+_Materfamilias_ (_aside_). Bid three-fifteen, JOHN, but not a penny
+more!
+
+_Paterfamilias_ (_weakly_). Three-fifteen!
+
+_Auctioneer_. Three-fifteen! Four! Going at four! Last time at four!
+All done, four! Going, going--gone! (_Drops hammer_.) Sold at four
+pounds, SAM! (_Looks round_.) Who bid four? [_No response, as the last
+bid was imaginary._
+
+_Sam_ (_huskily_). Gen'l'man as bid four jest slipped hout, Sir.
+
+_Auctioneer_ (_tartly_). Tut--tut--tut! _Too_ bad, really. Well,
+Sir, then I must take _your_ bid. Sold to this Gentleman, SAM, at
+Three-fifteen!
+
+    [_Paterfamilias, highly pleased, pays deposit, and arranges to
+    send for his bargain in the morning. As he and his "good lady"
+    leave, they notice close by, three men with barrows, each
+    bearing a blazingly red and strongly-smelling chest of
+    drawers. Materfamilias complacently remarks on the manifest
+    superiority of the article they have purchased, to "that
+    red rubbish." Next morning they receive, instead of their
+    own "bargain," one of those identical brand-new, badly-made,
+    unseasoned, thinly-veneered "shop 'uns," which are "blown
+    together" by the gross for such purposes. They protest, but
+    vainly, notwithstanding their true assertion that the drawers
+    they received contain "fresh shavings" instead of the "sprigs
+    of blooming lavender" they had observed in those they thought
+    they had purchased. Paterfamilias, a week later, looking in
+    at the Auction-room, sees what he could swear to be the very
+    chest of drawers he had purchased being "sold again" in a
+    similar fashion._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MY PRETTY JANUS, OH NEVER LOOK SO SHY!"
+
+[Illustration: JANUS DRURIOLANUS.
+
+_Suggestion for Costume at another Masked Ball._]
+
+AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS is greater than ever. It is the penitential
+season of Lent; some excellent persons renounce all worldly
+amusements; others, not quite so excellent, and both lots thinking, it
+may be, no small beer of themselves, we may term the first lot Treble
+Excellent and the second Double Excellent--the latter division think
+that concerts possibly, sacred concerts certainly, and certain other
+forms of mild and non-theatrical entertainments, are of a sufficiently
+severe character to constitute, as it were, a form of discipline. Then
+there are the larger proportion of those "who," as _Mrs. Malaprop_
+would say, "'care for none of these things,' like GALILEO, my dear,"
+and who inquire. "What is the state of the odds as long as we think
+we're happy?" and who would indulge in balls and theatres, and in
+every other form of amusement, while such pursuits afforded them, or
+seemed, to afford them, any pleasure. To the first section, i.e., the
+"unco guid," DRURIOLANUS has nothing to offer, not even a course of
+sermons by popular preachers; but to the two others he has much to
+say. For these, last Saturday, he commenced the first of his series
+of Lenten Oratorios at Covent Garden--it was the 14th of February, and
+this was his Valentine--and on the 17th, i.e., the Tuesday afterwards,
+having made, so to speak, a clean sweep of everything serious, out he
+comes with his Fancy Dress and Masked Ball. _Elijah_ the Prophet, on
+Saturday, in the Covent Garden Calendar, must be reckoned among the
+"minor profits," seeing that the biggest profit would be found in the
+_Bal Masque_ on Tuesday. Over the doors should be the motto, "_Festina
+Lente_," whereof the Druriolanian translation must be, "Keep it up in
+Lent." _Ave Janus Druriolanus!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD TIMES REVIVED.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+What! when _London Assurance_ is going off so well every night,
+isn't it a pity that it should go off altogether? CHARLES WYNDHAM
+as _Dazzle_ is delightfully flashy, and FARREN as the old beau, _Sir
+Harcourt_, admirable. Miss MOORE charming, Mrs. BEERE bright and
+sparkling; BOURCHIER quite up to "the Oxonian" mark of _Tom and
+Jerry_; BLAKELEY delicious, and GIDDENS as good a _Dolly Spanker_ as
+you'd wish to see. It's too good to be "taken off." Not that the piece
+itself is a perfect gem, but the acting! _Tout est la._ Oddsfish,
+your Majesty, CHARLES REX, Merry Monarch of the Cri, don't remove it
+altogether, but let us have it just once or twice a week during the
+season. CHARLES, "our friend," do! It's worth while, if but to see you
+sitting carelessly at the end of the piece in that chair, R.H., as if
+you didn't care for anything or anybody. Only--cut the tag and come to
+the Curtain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ETHICS OF MATCH-BOXES.
+
+BY COUNT DOLLSTOI.
+
+(_INTENDED FOR A CONTEMPORARY, BUT FOUND TO BE TOO SHORT._)
+
+I.
+
+What is the true explanation of the use which people make of
+matches--of safety matches, wooden matches, wax matches, and, less
+commonly, of fusees? Ask any man why he uses such things, and he will
+tell you that he does it to get a light, or because others do it.
+
+Is this true? You will probably think so. Let us examine the question.
+Why does a man hold his hand in front of a match when he lights it in
+the street? To screen it from the wind, or _to hide it from the sight
+of passers-by?_ Why do ladies leave the dinner-table before the men
+begin to smoke? To avoid the smell of tobacco--which is well known to
+be aromatic, healthy, and delightful--or _because the natural modesty
+of women shrinks from witnessing the striking of a match?_ Why, in a
+railway-carriage, do you hold your fusee out of window when you light
+it? Is it because you do not care about being half-choked--a paltry
+plea--or is it to conceal from young persons who may be in the
+carriage the sparkle which must inevitably remind them of wicked and
+alluring eyes?
+
+"_To get a light, or because others do it._" Is that true? Do not
+trifle with the question. Read all my works. Do not get them from a
+contemptible circulating library, but buy them.
+
+II.
+
+Some may not yet be convinced that the striking of matches is
+suggestive and immoral. To me nearly everything is suggestive, but
+there are some stupid persons in England. I will be patient with them,
+and give them more evidence.
+
+A wax match is called a vesta. Who was Vesta? But this is too
+horrible. I cannot pursue this point in a periodical which is read in
+families. I can only refer you to the classical dictionary, and remind
+you that everything must infallibly suggest its opposite. Again,
+there are matches which strike _only_ on the box. It distresses me to
+write these words. The idea of "onlyness," of restriction, must bring
+matrimony to the mind of everyone. If you do not know what I think
+about marriage, buy _The Kreutzer Sonata_. It is not customary to have
+more than one wife. Consequently, anything which has _one_ in it--as,
+for instance, the date of WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR--reminds me of
+marriage, and is, therefore, degrading. Why, the very word "match"
+suggests marriage: and yet we allow young children to sell whole boxes
+of them in the streets. Horrible! Do you think our lower orders would
+become discontented, and strike, if they had not seen matches doing it
+first? Still more horrible!
+
+Finally, you strike a match that never struck you, that never offended
+you in any way. Is that just, or even manly? Yet, in nine cases out of
+ten, the law takes no notice of the offence.
+
+"_To get a light, or because others do it._" Are you not convinced now
+that, when you use these words, you are not speaking the truth?
+
+III.
+
+I do not think I ever met anybody who was quite as moral, or quite as
+original, as I am. You should give a complete set of my works to each
+of your children. I might have generalised on the ill-effects of those
+vices from a special case--my own case. Had I done so, I could have
+got it printed. I can get anything printed that I write. I preferred
+to take a newer line, and to show you how vile you are when you use
+matches. Everything is vile. But you are wondering, perhaps, how a
+great novelist becomes a small faddist. You must wait till next month,
+and then read my article on the immorality of parting one's hair with
+a comb. A common table-fork is the only pure thing with which one can
+part one's hair. Combs deaden the conscience. But more of this anon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+What is this the Baron reads in the _D.T._ of Feb. 9, and in the
+_Daily Graphic_ of the same date? Here is a portion of the extract
+from the _D.T._:--"The Monthly Meeting of that quaint Literary
+Society, 'Ye Odd Volumes,' at Limmer's Hotel, brought together not
+merely a goodly show of the Volumes themselves, but an unusually
+large array of visitors," and then follows the distinguished list, the
+crowning point being reached when we come to the name of "The Baron de
+BOOK-WORMS of _Punch_," and in the _Daily Graphic_ the daring reporter
+goes a step farther, as, after giving the name of a certain honoured
+guest, he parenthetically explains that this academical _convive_
+is _the_ "Baron de B.-W.!" _Erreur_! I, the Baron de B.-W., being of
+sound mind and body, hereby declare that _the Baron himself was not
+present_. And why? Well, do my readers remember the honest milk-maid's
+retort to the coxcomb who said he wouldn't marry her? Good. Then,
+substituting "me" for "you," and "he" for "she," the Baron can adopt
+the maiden's reply. After this, other reasons would be superfluous.
+
+How came the reporter to fall into so great an error? Who misinformed
+him? A worthy henchman, as indignant as was _Sam Weller_ when he
+found his beloved master's name trifled with, writes to ask me, "Ain't
+nobody to be whopped for takin' this here liberty, Sir?" With the
+immortal _Mr. Pickwick_, the Baron replies, "Certainly not. Not on any
+account." And, whatever that sturdy henchman may murmur to himself, he
+at once obeys. "Bring me my books!" cries the Baron, "I am off to the
+review."
+
+The Baron's Deputy writes, that he has again been steeping himself in
+poetry, and reports as follows:--_Ionica_ (GEORGE ALLEN) is a little
+volume, which no admirer of true poetry should fail to possess. The
+author now calls himself W. CORY, but he was known by a different name
+to many generations of Etonians. His Muse generally wears a classical
+robe, but her speech is always delightfully musical. She has beautiful
+cadences, that haunt the memory like some old _Volkslied_. In spite of
+a careless confusion between "thou" and "you," I defy anybody to read
+"_Heraclitus_," to take only one instance, without a sense of pleasure
+which will compel him to learn the two verses by heart. But the Muse
+is pathetic, playful, and patriotic, too, when the occasion fits, and,
+whatever she sings, she sings with genuine taste and feeling. Would
+that we might hope for more of her pure music. So far the Deputy.
+
+Was that excentric character in _David Copperfield_ nameless, who
+was represented as sitting in some sort of slop-shop, wheezing out
+fiercely, "O my lights and liver! O goroo, goroo!" I think DICKENS
+didn't give him a name, good or bad; but his constant repetition of
+the above outlandish exclamations has impressed upon him an awful
+and terrific personality, which places him among the more popular
+creations of Dickensian genius. Of what is this _a propos_? you
+will ask the Baron. "Well," he will make reply, "it is _a propos_ of
+cookery books, and bookery cooks; the latter being those who are not
+above teaching themselves from the sacred books of Cookery, and who
+can put in practice the lessons they learn therein. Now," quoth the
+Baron, "let me recommend you to ask at CHAPMAN AND HALL's for _Hilda's
+'Where Is It' of Recipes_, a work got up as simply and substantially
+as a good dinner should be, with 'pages in waiting,' quite blank,
+all ready for your notes,--the book, like a dining-table, being
+appropriately interleaved; and there is, happy thought, a pencil in
+the cover-side most handy for the intending Lucullus." The season
+of Lent is an excellent one for cookery-books, because you can be
+studying for the dinner-giving season, and then--do not forget the
+generally excellent advice of your friend,
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK."
+
+"THERE NOW, MR. MOSS! _THERE'S_ A PICTURE FOR YER! WHY, HE'S REGULAR
+DOWNRIGHT _BUILT_ FOR YER, THAT LITTLE 'ORSE IS! SUIT YER TO A T,--AND
+DIRT-CHEAP AT A HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY GUINEAS!"
+
+"EXACTLY, MR. ISAACS. KNOCK OFF THE HUNDRED, AND HE'S MINE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RIVAL "JARVIES;"
+
+OR, THE IRISH JAUNTING CAR.
+
+AIR:--"_THE LOW-BACKED CAR_."
+
+"_Honest John" sings_:--
+
+  When first I knew CH-RL-S ST-RT,
+    'Twas in a happier day,
+  The Jaunting Car he drove in
+    Went gaily all the way.
+  But now the Car seems all askew,
+    Lop-wheel'd, and slack of spring;
+  Myself and WILL, in fear of a spill,
+    Feel little disposed to sing,
+      As we sit on the Jaunting Car,
+      The drivers at open war,
+        Seem little to care
+        For a Grand Old Fare,
+      As they fight for the Jaunting Car.
+
+  CH-RL-S ST-RT at one rein, Sir,
+    And J-ST-N at the other.
+  Give prospect small of progress
+    In pummelling one another.
+  As Honest JOHN my chance is gone
+    Of helping ill-used PAT,
+  If the Union of Hearts in Shindy starts,
+    And the Message of Peace falls flat.
+      WILL and I on the Jaunting Car,
+      With the couple of Jarvies at war,
+        Are sad to our souls,
+        Wherefore win at the polls
+      If we lose on the Jaunting Car?
+
+  In battle's wild commotion,
+    With proud and hostile SM-TH,
+  O'er Land or Tithe, our hearts were blithe,
+    Till P-RN-LL sapped our pith.
+  But "Mr. Fox's" lethal darts
+    Make "Union" all my eye;
+  Our ranks they thin (whilst our enemies grin),
+    As right and left they fly.
+      Though we cling to the Jaunting Car,
+      We were better out of it, by far;
+        Not the G.O.M.'s art
+        Can those Jarvies part
+      Who fight for the Jaunting Car.
+
+  I rather like this Car, Sir,
+    With GL-DST-NE by my side;
+  But row galore is an awful bore.
+    When two would-be whips collide.
+  With J-ST-N seated forninst us,
+    To victory we _might_ haste,
+  But with squabbling bhoys, and a deuce of a noise,
+    _Our_ efforts are cut to waste.
+      Though we're perched on the Jaunting Car,
+      Our purpose these madmen mar,
+        Whilst W-LL-M and I,
+        With a tear and a sigh,
+      Hold on to the Jaunting Car.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAR ABOUT PICTURES.--Messrs. J. and W. VOKINS, Great Portland Street,
+have an interesting loan collection of some of the Old Giants of the
+English Water-colour School on view. There may be found TURNER, DE
+WINT, WILLIAM HUNT, HOLLAND, COPLEY FIELDING, STANFIELD, MULREADY,
+J.D. HARDING, besides many others. How good are the Old Giants, and
+their works are as bright and fresh as the day they were painted.
+Their reputations have not faded, neither have their pictures, and
+moreover, they are not likely to. And so say all of us! And so says,
+Yours paragonically, OLD PAR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HUNDRED-AND-TEN-TONNER!
+
+  What is it, that, with labour skilled,
+  Though taking full three years to build,
+  The place of better weapons filled?
+        The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!
+
+  What was it, though, that had to stoop,
+  When fired, to putting on a hoop,
+  Spite this, yet found its muzzle "droop"?
+        The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!
+
+  And what, that matters made more hot,
+  Such curious ammunition got,
+  It cost L400 a shot?
+        The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!
+
+  Yet, much to the tax-payer's bliss,
+  What, firing such a sum as this.
+  At eighteen hundred yards would miss?
+        The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!
+
+  What is it, spite the First Lord's grace,
+  That guns of better make and case
+  At half the cost could well replace?
+        The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!
+
+  So, what no more upon the deep
+  Should JOHN BULL floating useless keep,
+  But quickly from his Navy sweep?
+        The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROPOSED TUNNEL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND IRELAND.--An Irishman observed
+this would bridge over a lot of difficulties; he begged pardon, he
+meant it would Leth-bridge them over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RIVAL "JARVIES."
+
+J. M-RL-Y. "DRIVE ON, McCARTHY!--IT'S _YOUR_ JOB!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUNTING SKETCH.
+
+THE LOST SHOE, OR LATE FOR THE MEAT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CANDOUR IN COURT.
+
+    [In _Savell v. the Duke of Westminster_, Lord ESHER, Master
+    of the Bolls, said:--"It was the demands for interrogatories
+    and discovery of documents and commissions in cases of this
+    simple nature which had made the practice of the Common Law so
+    expensive, and caused the public to fly from Courts of Law as
+    from a pestilence. This oppression must be put down."]
+
+  "How does it hap," quoth ESHER, M.R.,
+    "That Solicitors languish for lack of bread?
+  That want of cases, as felt by the Bar,
+    To cases of want has recently led?
+  Oh, how does it come, and why, and whence,
+  That men shun the Law as a pestilence?
+
+  "It can't be denied that the public tries
+    To avoid an action by every means;
+  To a Court it with much reluctance hies,
+    And to arbitration madly leans.
+  In fact--I say it without offence--
+  It shuns the Law as a pestilence.
+
+  "'Tis all the fault," said this great Law Lord,
+    "Of demands for inspection, and similar pleas;
+  Of expenses that neither side can afford,
+    Commissions and interrogator-ees;
+  Till Pelion's piled on Ossa--and hence
+  Men shun the Law as a pestilence.
+
+  "_I_ call it oppression, and I'm a Judge!
+    We must put it down, for the wrong's acute;
+  And then the public no fees will grudge,
+    But will rush to get suited with a suit;
+  For Law, the perfection of common sense,
+  Should never be shunned as a pestilence!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KING JOHN AT OXFORD.
+
+The Oxford University Dramatic Society have acted another Shakspearian
+play with conspicuous success. To say that the O.U.D.S. have acted a
+play of SHAKSPEARE is to say nothing, seeing that they are compelled,
+under fear of the most dreadful punishments known to the University
+Calendar, to confine their histrionic efforts to the drama as
+SHAKSPEARE wrote it, with an occasional excursion into the dramatic
+verse of BROWNING. A great many, however, of the most influential
+members of the Hebdomadal Council are said to view any such departure
+from SHAKSPEARE with alarm, as calculated to impair the discipline and
+sap the morality of the tender nurselings confided to their charge,
+and it is doubtful if the experiment will be repeated. Long live the
+legitimate drama, say I, and so say all of us. But, after all, it may
+be questioned whether those who can listen unharmed to the broad, and,
+if I may say so, "illegitimate" humour of _Faulconbridge_ in _King
+John_ would take much damage from SHERIDAN, or LYTTON, or TOM
+TAYLOR, or even--though I make this particular suggestion with bated
+breath--from the performance of such burlesques as the A.D.C. at
+Cambridge from time to time offers to its patrons.
+
+All this is, however, by the way. We must take the O.U.D.S. as we find
+it, and I must confess I found it in a very strong and flourishing
+condition during the performance of _King John_. The audience is not
+an easy one to act to. Not that it errs on the side of over-criticism.
+Rather it is too painfully friendly and familiar with the actors. Here
+is a stray example culled from the Stalls:--
+
+    _Enter_ King PHILIP, _the_ DAUPHIN, _and attendant Knights._
+
+_Undergraduate in the Stalls_ (_to his Neighbour_). Halloa! There's
+old Johnnie in chain armour and a helmet. Did you ever see such a rum
+'un? Let's make him laugh.
+
+    [_They do, and the unfortunate Knight infects his fellow
+    Knights at a moment when a specially stern demeanour is
+    required._
+
+Or again, as here:--
+
+    _The_ DAUPHIN _places his arm round the waist of the_ Lady
+    BLANCH, _and conducts her to the back of the stage._
+
+_Voice in the Dress Circle_. Look out for the Proctor!
+
+    [_General laughter._
+
+But in spite of these and similar exuberances, the play went well from
+first to last, and the enthusiasm of the audience was unbounded.
+It was stated on the programme that Mr. HENRY IRVING had lent the
+chain-mail and the tapestries. I have come to the conclusion that he
+lent himself as well, and then went and pretended he was his own son.
+At any rate, while Mr. HENRY IRVING (stated to be of New College) was
+declaiming as _King John_, I could have sworn that the impersonator
+of _Shylock_ and _Macbeth_ was walking the stage. Voice, gesture,
+and even mannerisms were there, toned down, of course, to suit the
+academic atmosphere, but manifest to all who know and love the great
+original. My hearty congratulations to the actor, whoever he was, on a
+most carefully studied and dignified rendering of his difficult part.
+Mr. ALAN MACKINNON, who grouped and arranged the whole of the play,
+was vigorous and spirited as _Faulconbridge_. He delivered his insults
+with immense force and go. The letter "_r_" is not an easy one for
+him to pronounce, but he struggled manfully with this obstacle, and
+after a time I got perfectly accustomed to the bold tones in which
+he ordered _Austria_ to "hang a calf-skin chround those chrechreant
+limbs." _King Philip's_ legs were, perhaps, too much inclined to
+independence, and never quite seemed to have made up their minds
+where they would settle down, but when once they were fixed the King
+was every inch a King. Little Miss MABEL HOARE made us all weep
+copiously as _Arthur_. I have kept _Hubert_ to the last, in order to
+emphasise my opinion that Mr. CLARK, of New College, who acted this
+tender-hearted Chamberlain, carried off the chief honours of the
+performance. For consistent and restrained force, it would not have
+been easy to match Mr. CLARK's impersonation. Lady RADNOR's band was
+delightful, in light-blue and pink bows.
+
+The fight in the Second Act was tremendous. Never have I seen such
+dreadful blows delivered with such immense vigour on any other stage.
+A very polite French Knight who had taken part in the combat accorded
+me the honour of an interview afterwards. I congratulated him, and
+suggested that so realistic a battle must have been long and carefully
+rehearsed. "Rehearsals!" he laughed; "not a bit of it. We just lace
+into one another's heads as hard as we can lick." For the benefit
+of Mr. D'OYLY CARTE and other fighting managers I have given these
+admirable words as they were spoken.
+
+I had almost forgotten the ladies. There were three, Miss FFYTCHE,
+Mrs. CHARLES SIM, and Miss DOWSON, and they were all good--especially
+Mrs. SIM as _Constance_.
+
+And so farewell, for the present, to the O.U.D.S. and to Oxford. I may
+mention, by the way, that hospitality is as extensive and port wine
+as abundant as ever in the neighbourhood of the High. _Experto crede._
+Yours to a turn, A VAGRANT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOUTH-AFRICAN SENTIMENT.
+
+(_SEE PAPERS PASSIM._)
+
+  The Colossus of Rhodes as a marvel they toss us;
+  To which we retort, _our_ RHODES _is_ a Colossus!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A READY-MADE MILITARY CHAPLAIN.--"The Rev. the Dean of Battle."
+Evidently of the Church militant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. NO. 1.--THE G.O.M. VARIETY
+ENTERTAINER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PINK OF COURTESY, AND A TRUE BLUE.
+
+Last week a Cambridge Graduate, a Layman, not a Reverend Don, kindly
+coached the Oxford Eight. The great Duke of WELLINGTON, courteously
+instructing the French Army how to defeat the English, would be an
+historical parallel. It is to be hoped that this sublime example of
+unselfish devotion to aquatic sport will be followed in other walks
+of life. We may expect to learn from the daily papers how,--
+
+On Monday a Cabinet Council was held at Downing Street. Lord SALISBURY
+presided, and Mr. W.H. SMITH being indisposed, Mr. W.E. GLADSTONE (at
+a moment's notice) kindly consented to take his place.
+
+On Tuesday General CAPRIVI went on leave, his place as confidential
+adviser to the Emperor of GERMANY being supplied during his absence
+by Prince Von BISMARCK.
+
+The Czar of RUSSIA, wishing to take a short holiday in Denmark, has
+arranged that his place shall be supplied by Prince ALEXANDER, once of
+Battenberg, and late of Bulgaria. Before his return to St. Petersburg
+His Majesty is likely to spend some time as the guest of several
+leading Nihilists.
+
+On Wednesday President CARNOT paid a long visit to General BOULANGER,
+with a view to submitting to that eminent statesman a scheme for the
+reorganisation of the French Army.
+
+On Thursday the King of ITALY, having arranged to accompany Signor
+CRISPI in a yachting cruise to South America, the POPE took up his
+residence at the Quirinal, and presided at a National Council. Later
+in the day his Holiness reviewed the Roman garrison.
+
+On Friday Mr. O'BRIEN gave a numerously attended "at home" in his new
+prison. Amongst those present were Mr. GLADSTONE, Lord SALISBURY,
+Mr. PARNELL, Mr. MCCARTHY, and Mr. TIM HEALY. It is understood that
+the result of this amicable meeting will be found in a spirit of
+reciprocity exhibited in the anti-Parnellites writing Mr. PARNELL's
+manifestoes for the Parnellites, and _vice versa_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERY BY IGNORAMUS.--From the _Times_' "Court Circular," Feb.
+11:--"The following Ladies and Gentlemen had the honour of receiving
+invitations, and being received by HER MAJESTY afterwards in the
+Drawing Room." Well, Sir (writes our Correspondent) and where are they
+usually received? In the kitchen? The report doesn't mention whether
+it was the front or back Drawing Room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INCONVENIENCE OF MODERN MALE ATTIRE.
+
+_First Stranger_. "HERE--HI! I WANT A KNIFE AND FORK, PLEASE!"
+
+_Second Stranger_. "CON-FOUND YOU--SO DO I!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 9_.--The ATTORNEY-GENERAL, with
+copy of Orders in his hand, casts reproachful, almost angry, glance
+on the harmless HOWORTH; that great diplomatist just dropped in
+from Arlington Street; been to see the MARKISS, and give him latest
+instructions as to conduct of public affairs, more especially with
+respect to Behring Sea, the Northampton Election, the Newfoundland
+Fisheries difficulty, and Assisted Education. A little fatigued with
+his exertions; doesn't observe WEBSTER's woful regard.
+
+[Illustration: Caustic Causton.]
+
+"If it hadn't been for him," ATTORNEY-GENERAL mutters, still glaring
+on elect of Salford, "shouldn't have to be down here now, answering
+these sort of questions."
+
+No doubt HOWORTH was, though undesignedly, originator of the business.
+Saw in incident of Hartlepool election an opening for minimising
+effect. Wrapped purpose up in form of question addressed to
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL. Question in subtly diplomatic form insinuated
+against FURNESS charge of breach of Corrupt Practice Act.
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL, knowing that HOWORTH is the man who pulls the
+strings of statecraft, not only in Salford and London, but in
+Berlin and St. Petersburg, did not venture to decline to answer;
+gravely played up to his lead. Opposition laughed and cheered; saw
+their opening, and have since diligently filled it. Scarcely day
+passed since that questions on hypothetical cases, addressed to
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL, have not appeared on Orders. As they are moulded on
+HOWORTH's, which he answered fully, even genially, difficult to refuse
+reply. But there must be a limit to this kind of thing; reached to-day
+when caustic CAUSTON comes forward with request for gratuitous opinion
+on case submitted, involving difficult question of eligibility of
+Catholics for seat on Woolsack. SUMMERS, who, depressed by Irish
+domestic difficulty, hasn't put a question for three weeks, goaded
+into activity; puts down another on same subject. Mr. ATTORNEY
+respectfully declines to answer either. Opposition yell with derisive
+cheers.
+
+Mr. ATTORNEY a man of equable temper, but this too much for him. Must
+find object of attack somewhere. Waited till HOWORTH had said adieu
+to five ladies whom he had been showing round the House. "Look here,
+HOWORTH," said Mr. ATTORNEY, his amiable visage clouded with unwonted
+wrath, "you content yourself with looking after the MARKISS, and
+keeping him straight, but don't you come round me any more with your
+confoundedly clever questions."
+
+_Business done_.--Tithe Bill still on Report stage.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Met JOHN MORLEY in corridor just now walking along with
+long stride and troubled countenance. "What's the matter?" I asked.
+"Is the French Revolution still troubling you, or are you in fresh
+difficulties On Compromise?"
+
+"No, dear TOBY," he said; "like MARTHA, I am troubled with none of
+these things. The fact is, I am pining for opportunity to give battle
+to BALFOUR in the matter of his Government of Ireland. You remember
+I tabled notice of a Motion on the matter as soon as the House met
+in November. Then I was so anxious, so absorbed in the subject, that
+I forgot all about it till Brer FOX and Brer RABBIT appeared on the
+scene, and bid against each other for precedence. Thereupon I pulled
+my Resolution out of pigeon-hole; reminded OLD MORALITY of my prior
+claim; had it admitted, and day fixed. Should have come on last
+Monday, you know. Tithes Bill in hand all last week; everybody tired
+of it; agree there's really nothing in it; Opposition smouldering out;
+then suddenly, my Motion having been put down for Monday, interest in
+Tithes Bill swells; becomes absorbing. Couldn't possibly finish last
+Thursday; everyone so urgent to continue debate that House was Counted
+Out on Friday; yesterday was appropriated for further debate on Report
+stage; Thursday next is taken for Third Reading, and I'm put off till
+Monday."
+
+"And who arranged all this?" I asked, with unfeigned sympathy.
+
+[Illustration: Walking it Off.]
+
+"Well, it was our fellows, you know, with assistance of Irish Members.
+We are all so anxious to have it out with Prince ARTHUR that we made
+it impossible for debate on his iniquities to come on this week. TIM
+HEALY suddenly developed personal interest in Tithes Bill. Put down
+several new Clauses. So succeeded in perhaps indefinitely deferring
+debate on my Resolution. You know little, TOBY, of the thirst for
+battle. It's more exhausting than the conflict itself. You'll excuse
+me, I'll take another turn; to walk off the restless excitement is the
+only hope left for me."
+
+And crossing his hands behind him, honest JOHN was off again, down the
+corridor, his red necktie gleaming in the further recesses like the
+lurid light of battle.
+
+_Business done_.--Tithes Bill through Report stage.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Marriage with Deceased Wife's Sister Bill on again. A
+hardy annual, carefully cultured in Commons, and regularly nipped
+in Lords. The speeches to-day naturally did not present any features
+riotously novel. HALL of Oxford (not the University, but the Brewery)
+seconded Motion for rejection of Bill. A beautiful speech, I thought,
+full of touching sentiments, delivered with much unction. His plea for
+the sanctity of sisterhood brought tears into eyes unused to excessive
+moisture. Didn't seem to have much to do with the Bill, but very
+touching.
+
+"Like evening bells," I said to the Member for Sark.
+
+"More like a barrel-organ," he responded, gruffly. "HALL has the
+oratorical manner of a street-preacher, and the emptiness of a tankard
+that a thirsty porter has held to his lips for sixty seconds. Like a
+skilfully-drawn glass of his own four-half, he's mostly froth; only,
+after all, there's something under the froth in the glass of 'HALL's
+Hextra,' and there's nothing beneath the sound of HALL's ambitious
+common-places."
+
+[Illustration: Hirsute Hints for Lord Randolph; or, the Art of
+Political Make-up.]
+
+SARK often says nasty things; seems in particularly disagreeable mood
+to-day. Even fell foul of the inoffensive Member for Crewe. WALTER
+MCLAREN, whilst declaring himself strongly in favour of Bill, wanted
+to throw it out because it didn't provide opportunity for women to
+marry their deceased husband's brother.
+
+"McLAREN," snarled SARK, "is one of those typical Radicals who have no
+toleration. He's the sort of man who would bite off his nose to spite
+his face. Quiet, gentle, almost feminine, in his manner, he would
+think nothing of boiling you and me in molten lead if we didn't cross
+our t's exactly at the height he is accustomed to do, or dotted
+our i's at an angle which did not conform with his views. Scratch a
+Radical, TOBY my boy, and you'll find the Tyrant."
+
+I'll take care to do no such thing.
+
+_Business done_.--Deceased Wife's Sister Bill read Second Time by 202
+Votes against 155.
+
+_Thursday_.--After long period of anxiety, House to-night reassured.
+GEDGE, who hasn't been seen since he disappeared after obstructing
+passage through Committee of Tithes Bill, turned up again. Curiously
+regarded by House; looked for signs of privation, but no falling
+off visible, whether in physical contour or volume of voice. Tithes
+Bill during his absence has gone through Committee and Report stage.
+Now awaiting Third Reading. GEDGE proposed to continue his speech
+interrupted by stroke of Midnight, when House in Committee. Fixed
+himself obligingly behind GOSCHEN and HICKS-BEACH, so that they should
+miss nothing of his counsel, and started off. Instantly arose stormy
+cries for Division. GEDGE, wherever he has been, seems to have been
+well-fed, and kept generally in good fettle. Cheerfully accepted
+challenge to vocal contest. Every time he commenced sentence
+the boisterous chorus, "'vide! 'vide! 'vide!" rang though House.
+Opposition, who didn't want Bill, started it; Ministerialists, anxious
+to see Bill pass, took it up; a roaring, excited crowd; amid them
+GEDGE, grey-faced, imperturbable, with mouth wide open, shouting
+in the ear of the pleased CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER. _Business
+done_.--Tithes Bill read Third Time by 250 Votes against 161.
+
+[Illustration: "In rising to respond."]
+
+_Friday_.--The United Services come nobly to the front to-day, all
+about Nelson's Pillar in Sackville Street, Dublin. However it may be
+at Westminster, Irish Members can't abear obstruction at home; brought
+in Bill to remove Monument lower down street; long debate; towards
+close Admiral FIELD suddenly hove in sight; bore down on enemy.
+
+"As humble naval officer," he roared, as through a speaking-trumpet,
+"I protest against addressing our immortal naval hero in the words of
+the Poet, saying unto him, 'Friend, go down lower.'"
+
+General FRASER, V.C., sitting next to Admiral on Front Bench below
+the Gangway; bosom swelled with generous emulation; Navy attacked;
+duty of Army to come to its assistance. General doesn't often speak;
+appearances as public orator chiefly confined to responding to
+patriotic toast at dinners. This led him a little astray. Drawing
+himself up to full height, setting hands on hips, he began, in deep
+bass voice, "In rising to respond to this toast--" Then, remembering
+where he was, he executed strategic retreat, and addressed himself to
+SPEAKER.
+
+Spectacle of the two veterans defending memory of NELSON deeply
+touched House. Nevertheless, Bill carried. _Business done_.--Counted
+Out at Half-past Seven.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN MONTAGU WILLIAMS' _Later Leaves_ there is a small error, but
+of importance to the historian of the English Stage, which can be
+corrected in the next edition:--Mr. KEELEY never played _Bob Mettles_,
+and there is no such character in TOM TAYLOR's _Our Clerks. Bob
+Nettles_ is one of the principal characters in _To Parents and
+Guardians_, and it was played by Mrs. KEELEY, her husband playing
+_Waddilove_. Middle-aged play-goers will remember both pieces; and in
+the latter, no one will forget ALFRED WIGAN as the French Tutor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CIVIL SERVICE NOTE.--The Directors of the Covent Garden Opera Company
+present their compliments to the C.S. Examiners, and trust that they
+will reconsider their determination to exclude the Italian language
+from their list of subjects. The Directors will be happy to give every
+facility to students during the forthcoming Opera season. Box Office
+now open. Reduction on taking a quantity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100. February 21, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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