initial commit of ebook 13252HEADmain

22 files changed, 5650 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/old/13252-8.txt b/old/13252-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..02984a9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1675 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.
+February 14, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. February 14, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 22, 2004 [EBook #13252]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+February 14, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._)
+
+NO. XXIII.--THE TOLERATED HUSBAND.
+
+It is customary for the self-righteous moralists who puff themselves
+into a state of Jingo complacency over the failings of foreign
+nations, to declare with considerable unction that the domestic
+hearth, which every Frenchman habitually tramples upon, is maintained
+in unviolated purity in every British household. The rude shocks which
+Mr. Justice BUTT occasionally administers to the national conscience
+are readily forgotten, and the chorus of patriotic adulation is
+stimulated by the visits which the British censor finds it necessary
+to pay (in mufti) to the courts of wickedness in continental capitals.
+It may be that among our unimaginative race the lack of virtue is
+not presented in the gaudy trappings that delight our neighbours. Our
+wickedness is coarser and less attractive. It gutters like a cheap
+candle when contrasted with the steady brilliancy of the Parisian
+article. Public opinion, too, holds amongst us a more formidable lash,
+and wields it with a sterner and more frequent severity. But it is
+impossible to deny that our society, however strict its professed code
+may be, can and does produce examples of those lapses from propriety
+which the superficial public deems to be typically and exclusively
+continental. Not only are they produced, but their production and
+their continuance are tolerated by a certain class, possibly limited,
+but certainly influential.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Amongst these examples, both of lapse and of toleration, the Tolerated
+Husband holds a foremost place. Certain conditions are necessary
+for his proper production. He must be not only easy-going, but
+unprincipled,--unprincipled, that is, rather in the sense of having
+no particular principles of any kind than in that of possessing
+and practising notoriously bad ones. He must have a fine contempt
+for steady respectability, and an irresistible inclination to that
+glittering style of untrammelled life which is believed by those who
+live it to be the true Bohemianism. He should be weak in character,
+he may be pleasant in manner and appearance, and he must be both poor
+and extravagant. If to these qualities be added, first a wife, young,
+good-looking, and in most respects similar to her husband, though of
+a stronger will, and secondly a friend, rich, determined, strictly
+unprincipled, and thoroughly unscrupulous, the conditions which
+produce the Tolerated Husband may be said to be complete.
+
+The Tolerated Husband may have been at one time an officer in a good
+regiment. Having married, he finds that his pay, combined with a
+moderate private income, and a generous allowance of indebtedness, due
+to the gratification of expensive tastes, is insufficient to maintain
+him in that position of comfort to which he conceives himself to be
+entitled. He therefore abandons the career of arms, and becomes one of
+those who attempt spasmodically to redeem commercial professions from
+the taint of mere commercialism by becoming commercial themselves.
+It is certain that the gilded society which turns up a moderately
+aristocratic nose at trade and tradesmen, looks with complete
+indulgence upon an ex-officer who dabbles in wine, or associates
+himself with a new scheme for the easy manufacture of working-men's
+boots. An agency to a Fire and Life Assurance Society is, of course,
+above reproach, and the Stock Exchange, an institution which, in the
+imagination of reckless fools, provides as large a cover as charity,
+is positively enviable--a reputation which it owes to the fancied ease
+with which half-a-crown is converted into one hundred thousand pounds
+by the mere stroke of an office pen.
+
+The Tolerated Husband tries all these methods, one after another, with
+a painful monotony of failure in each. Yet, somehow or other, he still
+keeps up appearances, and manages to live in a certain style not far
+removed from luxury. He entertains his friends at elaborate dinners,
+both at home and at expensive restaurants; he is a frequent visitor at
+theatres, where he often pays for the stalls of many others as well as
+for his own. He takes a small house in the country, and fills it with
+guests, to whom he offers admirable wines, and excellent cigars. His
+wife is always beautifully dressed, and glitters with an array of
+jewels which make her the envy of many a steady leader of fashion.
+The world begins to ask, vaguely at first, but with a constantly
+increasing persistence, how the thing is done. Respectability and
+malice combine to whisper a truthful answer. Starting from the axiom
+that the precarious income which is produced by a want of success in
+many branches of business cannot support luxury or purchase diamonds,
+they arrive, _per saltum_, at the conclusion that there must be some
+third party to provide the wife and the husband with means for their
+existence. His name is soon fixed upon, and his motives readily
+inferred. It can be none other than the husband's rich bachelor
+friend, the same who accompanies the pair on all their expeditions,
+who is a constant guest at their house, and is known to be both lavish
+and determined in the prosecution of any object on which he has set
+his heart. His heart, in this instance, is set upon his friend's wife,
+and the obstacles in his way do not seem to be very formidable. The
+case, indeed, is soon too manifest for any one but a born idiot to
+feign ignorance of it. The husband is not a born idiot--he either sees
+it plainly, or (it may be, after a struggle) he looks another way,
+and resigns himself to the inevitable. For inevitable it is, if he is
+to continue in that life of indolence and extravagant comfort which
+habit has made a necessity for him. So he submits to the constant
+companionship of a third party, and, in order to be truly tolerated
+in his own household, becomes tolerant in a manner that is almost
+sublime. He allows his friend to help him with large subventions of
+money; he lets him cover his wife with costly jewels. He is content
+to be supplanted without fuss, provided the supplanter never decreases
+the stream of his benevolence; and the supplanter, having more wealth
+than he knows what to do with, is quite content to secure his object
+on such extremely easy terms. And thus the Tolerated Husband is
+created.
+
+It is curious to notice how cheerfully, to all outward appearance, he
+accepts what other men would consider a disaster. Before the world
+he carries his head high with an assumption of genial frankness and
+easy good temper. "Come and dine with us to-morrow, my boy," he will
+say to an old acquaintance, "there'll only be yourself and a couple
+of others besides ourselves. We'll go to the play afterwards." And
+the acquaintance will most certainly discover, if he accepts the
+invitation, that the "ourselves" included not only husband and wife,
+but friend as well. He will also notice that the last is even more at
+home in the house, and speaks in a tone of greater authority than the
+apparent host. Everything is referred to him for decision, and the
+master of the house treats him with a deferential humility which goes
+far to contradict the cynical observation that there is no gratitude
+on earth. The Tolerated Husband, indeed, never tires of dispensing
+hospitality at the cost of his friend, and though the whole world
+knows the case, there will never be a lack of guests to accept what
+is offered.
+
+At last, however, in spite of his toleration, he becomes an
+encumbrance in his own house, and, like most encumbrances, he has to
+be paid off, the friend providing the requisite annual income. One
+after another he puts off the last remaining rags of his pretended
+self-respect. He haunts his Clubs less and less frequently, and seems
+to wither under the open dislike of those who are repelled by the
+mean and sordid details of his despicable story. And thus he drags on
+his life, a degraded and comparatively impoverished outcast, untidy,
+haggard and shunned, having forfeited by the restriction of his
+spending powers even the good-natured contempt of those who were
+not too proud to be at one time mistaken for his friends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LABOURS FOR LENT.
+
+_Emperor of Germany_.--To conciliate the great men who have had to
+prefix "Ex" to their official titles since he ascended the Throne.
+
+_Emperor of Russia_.--To find a resting-place safe from the Nihilists.
+
+_King of Italy_.--To do without CRISPI, and the Triple Alliance.
+
+_The Emperor of Austria_.--To master the subject of Home Rule as
+applied to Austria, Hungary, and the Bulgarian Nationalities.
+
+_King of Portugal_.--To settle the Map of Africa with Lord SALISBURY.
+
+_The President of the French Republic_.--To adapt _Thermidor_ for the
+German stage.
+
+_The President of the American Republic_.--To bless the McKinley
+Tariff.
+
+_The Marquis of Salisbury_.--To consider with his son and heir the
+Roman Catholic Disabilities Removal Bill.
+
+_Mr. W.H. Smith_.--To renew his stock of Copy-book proverbs.
+
+_Mr. Gladstone_.--To compile and annotate a new volume of _Gleanings_,
+containing the _Quarterly_ Article on "Vaticanism," and the speech in
+support of the Ripon-plus-Russell Relief Bill.
+
+_Mr. Goschen_.--To divide the coming Surplus to everyone's
+satisfaction.
+
+_Mr. Balfour_.--To learn to love both wings of the Irish Party.
+
+_Mr. Justin McCarthy_.--To discover his exact position.
+
+_Mr. S.B. Bancroft_.--To regard with satisfaction his gift to General
+Dealer BOOTH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JUNIUS JUDEX.
+
+_A Pindaric Fragment_. (_A long way after Gray_.)]
+
+  Awake, O Themis-twangled lyre, awake,
+       And give to pæans all thy sounding strings!
+       Here is a triumph joyfuller than Spring's.
+  JEUNE smacks of Summer rather, and must take
+                 The cake!
+  As frescoed heroes cloud-borne progress make,
+  So--happy apotheosis!--advances
+                 Stately Sir FRANCIS!
+  See how late-knighted Justice moves along,
+       High, majestic, smooth and strong,
+  Through Cupid's maze and Neptune's mighty main
+       (O Wimpole Street, uplift the strain!)
+       Toward that proudly portal'd door.
+  Silk gowns and snowy wigs raise the applausive roar!
+  O Sovereign of the Social Soul,
+       Lady of bland and comfort--breathing airs,
+       Enchanting hostess! Business cares
+  And Party passion own thy soft control,
+       In thy saloons the Lord of War
+       Muffles the wheels of his wild car,
+  And drops his thirsty lance at thy command.
+       Smoothed by a snowy hand,
+  Aquila's self, the fierce and feathered king,
+       With sleek-pruned plumes, and close-furled wing
+       Will calmly cackle, and put by
+  The terrors of his beak, the lightnings of his eye.
+       Thine the voice, the dance obey;
+       Tempered to thy pleasant sway,
+       Blue and Buff, Orange and Green,
+  In polychromatic harmony are seen,
+       As on a bright Jeune day.
+  And now JEUNE triumphs in no minor measure.
+  Judicial Pomp and Social Pleasure
+       Now indeed make marvellous meeting.
+  See with suasion firmly sweet
+       That brisk trio, gaily greeting
+  To that portal guide his feet.
+  Neptune's hoarse hails his friend's approach declare,
+       Probate, the winged sprite, about must play;
+  With wanton wings that winnow the soft air
+       In gliding state Lord Cupid leads the way
+  To where grave Law must mark, assay, reprove
+  Wanderings of young Desire, and lures of fickle Love!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOMMY ATKINS'S HARD LOT.
+
+"TOMMY ATKINS," writing modestly enough to the _Daily Chronicle_ of
+the 6th February, complains that the coal supplied by the Authorities
+for barrack-rooms, is so limited in quantity that "during the winter
+this, as a rule, only lasts about two days" in the week, and TOMMY
+and his comrades have to "club-up" to supply the deficiency out of
+their own microscopical pay. "In fact" (says T.A.) "I have been in
+barrack-rooms where the men have had no fires after the first two
+days of the week." _If_ this be so, _Mr. Punch_ agrees with TOMMY in
+saying, "Surely this ought not to be!" TOMMY ATKINS may reasonably be
+expected to "stand fire" at any season, but not the absence of it in
+such wintry weather as we have had recently!
+
+  If this is poor TOMMY ATKINS's lot,
+  As TOMMY might say, It is all Tommy-rot!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COLUMBIA ON HER SPARROW.
+
+(_WITH APOLOGIES TO WILLIAM CARTWRIGHT._)
+
+    ["The Americans have had enough of the Sparrow (_Passer
+    domesticus_), and the mildest epithet reserved for him seems
+    to be that of 'pest.'"--_Daily Chronicle_.]
+
+  Tell me not of joy,--a hum!
+  Now the British Sparrow's come.
+          Sent first was he
+          Across the sea,
+  Advisers kind did flatter me,
+     When he winged way o'er Yankee soil,
+     My caterpillar swarms he'd spoil;
+  And oh, how pleasant that would be!
+
+  He would catch a grub, and then
+  _It_ would never feed again.
+         My fields he'd skip,
+         And peck, and nip,
+  And on the caterpillars feed;
+     And nought should crawl, or hop, or run
+     When he his hearty meal had done.
+  Alas! it was a sell, indeed!
+
+  O'er my fields he makes his flight,
+  In numbers almost infinite;
+          A plague, alas!
+          That doth surpass
+  The swarming caterpillar crew.
+     What I did I much regret;
+     _Passer_ is multiplying yet;
+  Check him I can't. What shall I do?
+
+  The British Sparrow won't depart,
+  His feathered legions break my heart.
+          Would _he_ away
+          I would not, nay!
+  About mere caterpillars fuss.
+     Patience with grubs and moths were mine,
+     Would _he_ but pass across the brine.
+  _I_ call _Passer Domestic Cuss_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HERE WE HARE AGAIN!"--There are two Johnnies on the stage. JOHNNY
+Senior being J.L. TOOLE (now on his way home from New Zealand), and
+JOHNNY Junior, JOHN HARE, both immensely popular as comedians, and
+both in high favour with our most illustrious and judicious Patron
+of the Drama, H.R.H. the Prince of WALES. It is gratifying to learn
+that, after the performance of _A Pair of Spectacles_ at Sandringham,
+the Prince presented the Junior of these two Johnnies with a silver
+cigar-box. In the right-hand corner of the lid is engraved a hare
+looking through a pair of spectacles, and inside is a dedication to
+JOHN HARE from ALBERT EDWARD. "Pretty compliment this," as Sir WILL
+SOMERS, the Court Jester, might have said,--"to JOHNNY HARE from the
+Hare Apparent."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEIR "IBSEN-DIXIT."
+
+A new set of Faddists has been gradually growing up, not in our midst,
+but in the parts about Literature and the Drama. The object of their
+cult is, one HENRIK IBSEN, a Norwegian Dramatist, (perhaps it would
+be more correct to say, _the_ Norwegian Dramatist,) of whose plays
+a pretty sprinkling of scribes, amateur and professional, but all of
+the very highest culture, profess themselves the uncompromisingly
+enthusiastic admirers. You may not know the Ibsenites or any of their
+works, but in their company at least,--that is, supposing yourself so
+highly privileged as to be admitted within the innermost circle of the
+Inner Ibsen Brotherhood,--_not_ to know IBSEN would be proof positive
+of your being in the outer darkness of ignorance, and in need, however
+unworthy, of the grace of Ibsenitish enlightenment. Recruits are
+wanted in the Ibsenite ranks, so as to strengthen numerically the one
+party against the other; for the Ibsenitish sect has so for progressed
+as to be at loggerheads amongst themselves; not indeed on any really
+essential question, such as would be, for example, any doubt as to
+the position of IBSEN as a Dramatist, or as to the order of merit and
+precedence to be assigned to his works. No, on such matters they are
+apparently at one; but in other matters they are at one another. Thus
+the unity appears to be only superficial, a decent plaster hiding the
+rift occasioned by one of their number having literally translated
+into English IBSEN's latest Norwegian drama, of which translation the
+verbal correctness is impugned by another learned Ibsenite.
+
+Not being "a hardy Norseman," and having neither a reading nor
+speaking acquaintance with the Norse language, I am unable to decide
+abstruse points on which such learned doctors disagree; but not being
+altogether without some practical experience of English and French
+drama, I venture to call in question not only the dramatic ability of
+the dramatist himself, but also, after perhaps allowing him some merit
+as a type-writer or character-sketcher, to assert that the style and
+matter of most of his work is always tiresome, frequently childish,
+and the subject often morbid and unhealthy; and, further, that his
+method is tedious to the last degree of boredom; for, as a writer, if
+I may judge him fairly by his translators, he is didactic and prosy,
+and never more tedious than when his dialogue is intended to be at its
+very crispest. As a playwright his construction is faulty. Here and
+there he gives expression to pretty ideas, reminding me (still judging
+by the translation) of TOM ROBERTSON, not when the latter was in his
+happiest vein, but when laboriously striving to make his puppets talk
+in a sweetly ingenuous manner.
+
+I have never seen any play of IBSEN's on the stage, but I have read
+several of them--indeed, as I believe, all that have hitherto been
+translated and published in this country. I was prepared to be
+charmed, expecting much. I was soon disillusioned, and great was my
+disappointment. Then I re-read them, to judge of them not merely as
+dramas for the closet, but as dramas for the stage, written to be
+acted, not to be read; or, at all events, as far as the general public
+were concerned, to be acted first, and to be read afterwards. As
+acting dramas, it is difficult to conceive anything less practically
+dramatic. I do not know what the pecuniary result of his theatrical
+productions may be in his own country--where, I believe, he doesn't
+reside--but, out of his own country (say, here in London), I should
+say that a one-night's performance, with a house half full, would
+exhaust IBSEN's English public, and quite exhaust the patience of
+those who know not IBSEN.
+
+Years ago we had the Chatterton-Boucicault dictum that "SHAKSPEARE
+spelt failure." Now, for SHAKSPEARE read "IBSEN," and insert the words
+"swift and utter" before "failure," and you have my opinion as to how
+the formula would stand with regard to IBSEN. I should be sorry to
+see any professional Manager making himself pecuniarily responsible
+for the success of such an undertaking, a word which, in its funereal
+sense, is of ill omen to the attempt. Let the Ibsenites club
+together, lease a theatre, and see how the public likes their show.
+There's nothing doing at the Royalty just now; let them pay rent
+in advance, and become Miss KATE SANTLEY's tenants; then, if the
+IBSEN-worshippers, with their Arch-priest, or ARCHER-priest, at their
+head, come to a temporary understanding with the Gosse-Ibsenites,
+they could craftily contrive to be invited as guests to a dinner at
+the Playwreckers' Club. The _dilettanti_ members of this association
+the United Ibsenites could flatter by deferring to the opinions of
+their hosts, while inculcating their own, thus securing the goodwill
+and patronage of the Playwreckers, a plan nowadays adopted with
+considerable success by some of our wiliest dramatists, eager to
+secure a free course and be glorified; and so, by making each one of
+these mighty amateurs feel that the success of IBSEN in this country
+depended on him personally, that is, on his verdict or "_Ibsen
+dixit_," a run of, say, perhaps three nights might possibly be
+secured, when they could play to fairly-filled houses. One "nicht wi'
+IBSEN," one night only, would, I venture to say, be quite enough for
+most of us. "Oh, that mine enemy would write a book!" "Oh, that my
+enemy would bring out an Ibsenite play," and try to run it! Perhaps he
+will. In which case I will either alter my opinion or give him a dose
+of ANTI-FAD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. GLADSTONE'S NEW HOUSE.
+
+"The house which Mr. GLADSTONE has just taken in Park Lane is, it is
+reported, the selection of Mrs. GLADSTONE, who recommends it with a
+view to her husband's opportunities for exercise."--_Daily Paper_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SULLIVANHOE!
+
+_BRAVISSIMO_, Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN of Ivanhoe, or to compress it
+telegraphically by wire, "_Bravissimo Sullivanhoe!_" Loud cries of
+"ARTHUR! ARTHUR!" and as ARTHUR and Composer he bows a solo gracefully
+in front of the Curtain. Then Mr. JULIAN STURGIS is handed out to him,
+when "SULLIVAN" and "JULIAN"--latter name phonetically suggestive of
+ancient musical associations, though who nowadays remembers "Mons.
+JULLIEN"?--the composer and librettist, bow a duet together. "Music"
+and "Words" disappear behind gorgeous new draperies. "All's swell
+that ends swell," and nothing could be sweller than the audience on
+the first night. But to our tale. As to the dramatic construction of
+this Opera, had I not been informed by the kindly playbill that I
+was seeing _Ivanhoe_, I should never have found it out from the first
+scene, nor should I have been quite clear about it until the situation
+where that slyboots _Rebecca_ artfully threatens to chuck herself
+off from the topmost turret rather than throw herself away on the bad
+Templar _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan_. The Opera might
+be fairly described as "Scenes from _Ivanhoe_," musically illustrated.
+There is, however, a continuity in the music which is lacking in the
+plot.
+
+[Illustration: All Dicky with Ivanhoe; or, The Long and Short of it.]
+
+The scenic effects are throughout admirable, and the method, adopted
+at the end of each _tableau_, of leaving the audience still more in
+the dark than they were before as to what is going on on the stage, is
+an excellent notion, well calculated to intensify the mystery in which
+the entire plot is enveloped.
+
+The change of scene--of course highly recommended by the leech
+in attendance on the suffering _Ivanhoe_--from the little
+second-floor-back in the top storey of the castle tower, where the
+stout _Knight of Ivanhoe_ is in durance, is managed with the least
+possible inconvenience to the invalid, who, whether suffering from
+gout or pains in his side,--and, judging by his action, he seemed
+to feel it, whatever it was, all over him,--found himself _and_ his
+second-hand lodging-house sofa (quite good enough for a prisoner)
+suddenly deposited at the comparatively safe distance of some three
+hundred yards or so from the burning Castle of Torquilstone, in which
+identical building he himself, not a minute before, had been immured.
+So marvellous a flight of fancy is only to be found in an Arabian, not
+a Christian, Night's Entertainment.
+
+The Tournament Scene is a very effective "set," but practically an
+elaborate "sell," as all the fighting on horseback is done "without."
+Presently, after a fierce clashing of property-swords, sounding
+suspiciously like fire-irons, _Ivanhoe_ and _Sir Brian_ come in,
+afoot, to fight out "round the sixth, and last." There is refreshing
+novelty in Mr. COPLAND's impersonation of _Isaac of York_, who might
+be taken for _Shylock's_ younger brother who has been experimenting
+on his beard with some curious kind of hair-dye. This comic little
+_Isaac_ will no doubt grow older during the run of the piece, but
+on the first night he neither looked nor behaved like _Rebecca's_
+aged and venerable sire, nor did Miss MACINTYRE--who, by the
+way, is charming as _Rebecca_, and who is so nimble in skipping
+about the stage when avoiding the melodramatic _Sir Brian de
+Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan_, and so generally active and artful as
+to be quite a _Becky Sharp_,--nor, I say, did Miss MACINTYRE seem to
+treat her precocious parent (_Isaac_ must have married very young,
+seeing that _Becky_ is full twenty-one, and _Isaac_ apparently
+very little more than twenty-eight, or, say, thirty) with any
+great tenderness and affection; but these feelings no doubt will be
+intensified, as she becomes more and more accustomed to her jewvenile
+father during the run of the Opera, and he may say to her, as the
+Bottle Imp did to his victim, "Ha! Ha! You must _learn_ to love me!"
+
+[Illustration: The game of "Becky my Neighbour." The Stout Knight lays
+low.]
+
+I have not time to enumerate all the charming effects of the Opera,
+but I must not forget the magic property-harp, with, apparently, limp
+whip-cord strings, "the harp that once," or several times, was played
+by those accomplished musicians, _King Richard_, and _Friar Tuck_,
+the latter of whom has by far the most taking song in the Opera,
+and which would have received a treble [or a baritone] encore, had
+_Barkis_--meaning Sir ARTHUR--"been willin'." The contest between
+_Richard_ and the _Friar_ is decidedly "Dicky." Nor must I forget the
+magnificent property supper in the first scene, at so much a head,
+where not a ham or a chicken is touched; nor must "the waits" between
+some of the sets be forgotten,--"waits" being so suggestive of music
+at the merriest time of the year. Nor, above all, must I omit to
+mention the principal character, _Ivanhoe_ himself, played by Mr. BEN
+DAVIES, who would be quite an ideal _Ivanhoe_ if he were not such
+a very real _Ivanhoe_--only, of course, we must not forget that he
+"doubles" the part. There is no thinness about "_Ben Mio_," whether
+considered as a man, or as a good all-round tenor. I did not envy
+_Ivanhoe's_ marvellous power of sleep while Miss MACINTYRE was singing
+her best, her sweetest, and her loudest. For my part I prefer to
+believe that the crafty Saxon was "only purtendin'," and was no more
+asleep than _Josh Sedley_ on the eve of Waterloo, or the Fat Boy when
+he surprised _Mr. Tupman_ and _Aunt Rachel_ in the arbour, or when he
+pinched _Mr. Pickwick's_ leg in order to attract his attention. But,
+after all, _Ivanhoe_ and _Rowena_, as THACKERAY remarked, are a poor
+namby-pamby pair, and the real heroine is _Rebecca_. The Opera ends
+with a "Rebecca Riot." Every one wishes success to the new venture.
+
+[Illustration: "A1" Saxon Friar.]
+
+As to the Music,--well, I am not a musician, and in any new Opera when
+there is no one tuneful phrase as in _Aïda_ or _Tannhäuser_, which, at
+the very first hearing, anyone with half an ear can straightway catch,
+and reproduce next day till everyone about him cries, "Oh don't!" and
+when, as in this instance, the conducting-composer, Wagnerianly, will
+not permit _encores_--where am I? Nowhere. I return home in common
+time, but tuneless. On the other hand, besides being certain that
+_Friar Tuck's_ jovial song will "catch on," I must record the complete
+satisfaction with which I heard the substantial whack on the drum so
+descriptive of _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan's_ heavy fall
+"at the ropes." This last effect, being as novel as it is effective,
+attracted the attention of the wily and observant DRURIOLANUS, who
+mentally booked the effect as something startlingly new and original
+for his next Pantomime. The combat between the Saxon Slogger, very
+much out of training, and the Norman Nobbler, rather over-trained
+as the result proved, is decidedly exciting, and the Nobbler would
+be backed at long odds. Altogether, the whole show was thoroughly
+appreciated by WAMBA JUNIOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.
+
+NO. I.--THE CLASSICAL SCHOLAR IN REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES.
+
+You are, let us say, a young professional man in chambers or offices,
+incompetently guarded by an idiot boy whom you dare not trust with the
+responsibility of denying you to strangers. You hear a knock at your
+outer door, followed by conversation in the clerk's room, after which
+your salaried idiot announces, "A Gentleman to see you." Enter a dingy
+and dismal little man in threadbare black, who advances with an air of
+mysterious importance. "I think," he begins, "I 'ave the pleasure of
+speaking to Mr.----" (_whatever your name is_.) "I take the liberty of
+calling, Mr.----, to consult you on a matter of the utmost importance,
+and I shall feel personally obliged if you will take precautions for
+our conversation not being over'eard."
+
+He looks grubby for a client--but appearances are deceptive, and
+you offer him a seat, assuring him that he may speak with perfect
+security--whereupon he proceeds in a lowered voice.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"The story I am about to reveal," he says, smoothing a slimy tall hat,
+"is of a nature so revolting, so 'orrible in its details, that I can
+'ardly bring myself to speak it to any 'uming ear!" (_Here you will
+probably prepare to take notes._) "You see before you one who is of
+'igh birth but low circumstances!" (_At this, you give him up as a
+possible client, but a mixture of diffidence and curiosity compels
+you to listen._) "Yes, Sir, I was '_fruges consumeary nati_.' I 'ave
+received a neducation more befitting a dook than my present condition.
+Nursed in the lap of haffluence, I was trained to fill the lofty
+position which was to have been my lot. But '_necessitas_,' Sir,
+as you are aware, '_necessitas non abat lejim_,' and such I found
+it. While still receiving a classical education at Cambridge
+College--(praps you are yourself an alumbus of _Halma Mater_? No? I
+apologise, Sir, I'm sure)--but while preparing to take my honorary
+degree, my Father suddenly enounced, the horful news that he was
+a bankrup'. Strip of all we possessed, we were turned out of our
+sumchuous 'ome upon the cold world, my Father's grey 'airs were
+brought down sorrowing to sangwidge boards, though he is still sangwin
+of paying off his creditors in time out of what he can put by from his
+scanty hearnings. My poor dear Mother--a lady born and bred--sank by
+slow degrees to a cawfy-stall, which is now morgidged to the 'ilt,
+and my eldest Sister, a lovely and accomplished gairl, was artlessly
+thrown over by a nobleman, to 'oom she was engaged to be married,
+before our reverses overtook us. His name the delikit hinstinks
+of a gentleman will forbid you to inquire, as likewise me to
+mention--enough to 'int that he occupies a prominent position amongst
+the hupper circles of Society, and is frequently to be met with in the
+papers. His faithlessness preyed on my Sister's mind to that degree,
+that she is now in the Asylum, a nopeless maniac! My honely Brother
+was withdrawn from 'Arrow, and now 'as the yumiliation of selling
+penny toys on the kerbstone to his former playfellers. '_Tantee
+nannymice salestibus hiræ_,' indeed, Sir!
+
+"But you ask what befell myself." (_You have not--for the simple
+reason that, even if you desired information, he has given you no
+chance, as yet, of putting in a word._) "Ah, Sir, there you 'ave me on
+a tender point. '_Hakew tetigisti_,' if I may venture once more upon
+a scholarly illusion. But I 'ave resolved to conceal nothing--and
+you shall 'ear. For a time I obtained employment as Seckertary and
+Imanuensis to a young baranit, 'oo had been the bosom friend of
+my College days. He would, I know, have used his influence with
+Government to obtain me a lucritive post; but, alas, 'ere he could
+do so, unaired sheets, coupled with deliket 'elth, took him off
+premature, and I was once more thrown on my own resources.
+
+"In conclusion, Sir, you 'ave doubtless done me the hinjustice to
+expect, from all I 'ave said, that my hobjick in obtaining this
+interview was to ask you for pecuniary assistance?" (_Here you reflect
+with remorse that a suspicion to this effect has certainly crossed
+your mind_). "Nothing of the sort or kind, I do assure you. A little
+'uming sympathy, the relief of pouring out my sorrers upon a feeling
+art, a few kind encouraging words, is all I arsk, and that, Sir, the
+first sight of your kind friendly face told me I should not lack. Pore
+as I am, I still 'ave my pride, the pride of a English gentleman, and
+if you was to orfer me a sovereign as you sit there, I should fling
+it in the fire--ah, I _should_--'urt and indignant at the hinsult!"
+(_Here you will probably assure him that you have no intention of
+outraging his feelings in any such manner._) "No, and _why_, Sir?
+Because you 'ave a gentlemanly 'art, and if you were to make sech a
+orfer, you would do it in a kindly Christian spirit which would rob it
+of all offence. There's not many as I would bring myself to accept a
+paltry sovereign from, but I dunno--I might from one like yourself--I
+_might Ord hignara mali, miseris succurreary disco_, as the old
+philosopher says. You 'ave that kind of _way_ with you." (_You
+mildly intimate that he is mistaken here, and take the opportunity
+of touching the bell_). "No, Sir, don't be untrue to your better
+himpulses. _'Ave_ a feelin 'art, Sir! Don't send me away, after
+allowing me to waste my time 'ere--which is of value _to me_, let me
+tell yer, whatever _yours_ is!--like this!... Well, well, there's 'ard
+people in this world? I'm _going_, Sir ... I 'ave sufficient dignity
+to take a 'int ... You 'aven't got even a trifle to spare an old
+University Scholar in redooced circumstances then?... Ah, it's easy to
+see you ain't been at a University yourself--you ain't got the _hair_
+of it! Farewell, Sir, and may your lot in life be 'appier than--All
+right, don't _hexcite_ yourself. I've bin mistook in yer, that's all.
+I thought you was as soft-edded a young mug as you look. Open that
+door, will yer; I want to get out of this 'ole!"
+
+Here he leaves you with every indication of disgust and
+disappointment, and you will probably hear him indulging in
+unclassical vituperation on the landing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Baron is delighted with MONTAGU WILLIAMS's third volume of
+_Reminiscences_, published by MACMILLAN & Co. His cheery after-dinner
+conversational style of telling capital stories is excellent. He is
+not writing a book, he is talking to us; he is telling us a series
+of good things, and, quoth the Baron, let me advise you to light your
+cigar and sit down in your armchair before the fire, as not only
+do you not wish to interrupt him, even with a query, but you feel
+inclined to say, as the children do when, seated round you in the
+wintry twilight, they have been listening to a story which has deeply
+interested them--"Go on, please, tell us another!" The following
+interpolated "aside," most characteristic of MONTAGU WILLIAMS's
+life-like conversational manner of telling a story, occurs at page
+8, where giving an account of a robbery, of which he himself was
+the victim, and telling how a thief asked to be shown up to his, the
+narrator's room, he says, "The porter, like a fool, gave his consent."
+The interpolated "_like a fool_," carries the jury, tells the whole
+story, and wins admiration for the sufferer, who is the real hero of
+the tale. But beyond the book's merit as an interesting and amusing
+companion, it contains some valuable practical suggestions for
+relieving the ordinary distress in the poorest districts which ought
+to receive attention in the highest quarters.
+
+To some readers interested in theatrical life, _Polly Mountemple_
+must prove an interesting work of fiction, if a story can be so styled
+which, as its author assures his readers with his latest breath, I
+should say in his last paragraph (p. 291), "Is a true tale." It is the
+story of a "ballet lady" who rises in "the profession" to the dignity
+of a speaking part, and is on the point of being raised still higher
+in the social scale, and becoming the wife of a real live young
+nobleman, when she sensibly accepts a considerable sum of money,
+consents to forego her action for breach of promise, and finally
+marries a highly respectable acrobat, and becomes the landlady of
+the "Man of Kent." The earlier portion is entertaining, especially
+to those who are not altogether ignorant of some of the personages,
+sketches of whom are drawn by the author, Mr. CHARLES HOLLIS, with, it
+is not improbable, considerable fidelity. They are rough sketches, not
+by any means highly finished, but then such was the character of the
+original models. Before, however, it can be accepted by the general
+public as giving an unexaggerated picture of a certain sort of
+stage-life, it ought to have the _imprimatur_ or the _nihil obstat_
+of some generally acknowledged head of the profession; for "the
+profession" is Hydra-like in this respect--a republican creation, with
+many heads. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ENCOURAGEMENT.
+
+_Professional Golfer_ (_in answer to anxious question_). "WEEL, NO,
+SIR, AT YOUR TIME O' LIFE, YE CAN NEVER HOPE TO BECOME A _PLAYER_; BUT
+IF YE PRACTISE HARD FOR THREE YEARS, YE MAY BE ABLE TO TELL GOOD PLAY
+FROM BAD WHEN YE SEE IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "PAPER-CHASE."
+
+_The Hare (with many financial friends) loquitur_:--
+
+  Here goes! 'Tis a rather new line--
+    But that is no very great matter.
+  If they've faith in a lead, 'tis in mine,
+    So a tentative trail let me scatter,
+  The old track of country this time I'll forsake;
+  I trust they'll not think I have made a mistake?
+
+  That old line of country they know,
+    Across it for years they've been rangers,
+  All right, when the going is slow,
+    When 'tis fast, are they fly to its dangers?
+  For Hares to raise scares 'midst the Hounds were improper,
+  But how if the pack come a general cropper?
+
+  Remarkably near it last time,
+    Though some of 'em didn't suspect it;
+  But _I_ spy the peril! 'Twere crime
+    If I did not help them to detect it.
+  If they don't like my trail they must give me the sack;
+  I'd rather be bullied than break up the pack.
+
+  They fancy I'll keep the old course,
+    There or thereabout. But I've a notion!
+  They'll grumble perhaps, with some force,
+    But they're not going to flurry G. GOSCHEN.
+  Of this havresack there have been some smart carriers--
+  I'll make 'em sit up, though, the L.S.D. Harriers!
+
+  I love 'em, each supple-shanked lad,
+    'Most as much as--Statistics. To trudge it
+  For _them_ makes my bosom as glad
+    As--Big Surplus, and Popular Budget;
+  And so I should like to secure them a run,
+  Combining snug safety with plenty of fun.
+
+  I don't wont to lessen their speed,
+    I don't want to hamper their daring;
+  But rashness won't always succeed--
+    Just ask that smart runner, young B-R-NG!
+  And that's why I'm trying to strike a new line
+  For our Paper-Chase--catting the "Paper" up fine.
+
+  I scatter it wide. Will it float?
+    Of course for awhile there's no knowing;
+  But I shall be able to note,
+    By the sequel, _which way the wind's blowing_.
+  There! Look like white-birds, or banknotes, in full flight.
+  Now, lads, double up! There's not one yet in sight!
+
+  Of course I'm ahead of my field,
+    As a Hare worth his salt ever should be.
+  My Hounds, though, are mostly spring-heeled.
+    Eh? Funk it? I don't think that could be!
+  The L.S.D. Harriers' lick others hollow
+  For pluck and for pace. There's the trail,--_will they follow_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST."--You need not go to Holland to see the
+Hague. You may find it--him we mean--at DOWDESWELL's Gallery. Here you
+can revel in a good fit of the Hague without shivering. Indeed, Mr.
+ANDERSON HAGUE, judging from his pictures of North Cambria, seems to
+be very fit, and therefore, he may be called an HAGUE-fit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CAN(NES)DID CONFESSION.
+
+(_BY A SUFFERING ANGELINA._)
+
+  You write to me, sweetest, with envy
+    Of "zephyrs" and "summerlike stars;"
+  You say women, horses, and men vie
+    In chorus of croups and catarrhs;
+  You picture me safe from the snarling
+    Of Winter's tyrannical sway.
+  This isn't, believe me, my darling,
+    The Mediterranean way.
+
+  You rave of the "shimmering light on
+    An ocean pellucidly fair."
+  You get it, my darling, at Brighton,
+    And coals that can warm you are _there_:
+  Of "boughs with hot oranges breaking"--
+    Cold comfort, while fortunes we pay
+  For faggots that mock us in making
+    Their Mediterranean way!
+
+  You dream of me rapt by a casement
+    Mimosa caresses and rose;
+  _This_ window was surely the place meant
+    For mistral to buffet my nose.
+  Of tennis and dances and drums in
+    "That Eden for Eves"--did you say?
+  Apt phrase! Nothing masculine comes in
+    Our Mediterranean way.
+
+  And "Esterel's amethyst ranges
+    Of gossamer shapes"--and the rest.
+  Good gracious, how scenery changes!
+    They too have a cold on their chest.
+  At "delicate lungs," dear, and so on
+    No more for this climate I'll play,
+  But homeward in ecstasy go on
+    My Mediterranean way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "PAPER-CHASE."
+
+RIGHT HON. GEO. J. G-SCH-N (_the Hare_). "WONDER WHETHER THEY'LL
+FOLLOW?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OYSTERS AT WHITSTABLE FROZEN IN THEIR BEDS!
+
+(_See Daily Papers_.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD WOMAN AND HER WATER SUPPLY.
+
+(_AN OLD NURSERY RHYME WITH A NEW BURDEN._)
+
+  There was an old Woman, as I've heard say,
+  The frost froze her water-pipes fast one day;
+  The frost froze her water-pipes fast at first,
+  Till a thaw came at last, and the water-pipes burst.
+  By came the Company, greedy of gain,
+  And it cut her water all off at the main,
+  It cut her water off sharp, if you please,
+  Though it wasn't _her_ fault that the pipes began to freeze.
+  It wasn't _her_ fault that the water-pipes burst.
+  So she had no water for cleansing or thirst,
+  She had no water, and she began to cry,
+  "Oh, what a cruel buzzum has a Water Company
+  But I'll repair the pipes, since so it must be,
+  And the plumber, I'm aware, will make pickings out of me.
+  If there's a frost I've no water for my pail,
+  And if there's a thaw then the rate-collectors rail."
+  On Law the old Woman is entirely in the dark;
+  There seems no one to save her from the fresh-water shark;
+  The shark does what he likes, and she can only cry,
+  "Who'll help a poor old Woman 'gainst the Water Company?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOI-MEM.
+
+"_Moi-Même_," in the course of his pleasant _Worldly_ wanderings among
+things in general, observes, _à propos_ of the younger COQUELIN's
+suggestion about lectures by professors of the Dramatic Art to
+youthful students, "One can scarcely fancy a more humorous sight than
+Mr. TOOLE giving a professional lecture to dramatic aspirants, telling
+them when to wink, when to wheeze, when to ''scuse his glove,'" &c.
+Now it so happens that when this same idea was first started--or
+perhaps revived--some eleven years ago, Professor TOOLE's Lecture to
+Students of the Dramatic Art was given in _Mr. Punch's_ pages. The
+lecture, one of a series supposed to be given by various actors,
+will be found in Vol. LXXVIII., page 93. It appeared on the 28th of
+February, 1880.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE BY A NOMAD.
+
+  SMITH, of Coalville, imagines that Civilised Man
+  Falls too much to the rear if he lives in a Van;
+  But Caravan-dwellers, with force and urbanity,
+  Declare that SMITH's views of Van life are pure vanity!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HIGHEST EDUCATION;
+
+_OR, WHAT IS LOOMING A-HEAD._
+
+A Deputation on behalf of the Exasperated Ratepayers' Association
+waited yesterday afternoon on the Chairman of the London School
+Board at their new and commodious palatial premises erected on the
+vast central site recently cleared, regardless of expense, for that
+purpose in Piccadilly, and presented a further protest against the
+ever-increasing expenditure indulged in by that body. The Chairman,
+smilingly intimating that he would hear what the Deputation had to
+say, though he added, amidst the ill-suppressed merriment of his
+_confrères_, he supposed it was the old sing-song protest, possibly
+on this occasion because they had recently directed that the boys
+attending the schools of the Board should come in "Eton" suits,
+the cost of which naturally fell upon the rates, or some captious
+objection of that kind, which it really was a waste of breath to
+discuss. However, whatever it was, he added, he was willing to hear
+it.
+
+The Spokesman of the Deputation, a Duke in reduced circumstances,
+who ascribed his ruin to the heavy rates he had been called upon to
+pay through the extravagance of the Board, and who declined to give
+his name, said that though they had not thought the Eton suits a
+necessity, still it was not against them that they had to protest.
+It was the addition of Astronomy involving the erection (with fitting
+first-class instruments) of 341 observatories in the London district
+alone, Chinese, taught by 500 native Professors imported from Pekin
+for the purpose, horse-riding, yachting, and the church organ (these
+last two being compulsory), together with the use of the tricycle,
+type-writer, and phonograph, all of which instruments were provided
+for every single pupil at the expense of the ratepayers, to the
+curriculum of all those pupils who were fitted for the third standard.
+The speaker said he knew that it had long been settled that the finest
+and most comprehensive education that our advanced civilisation could
+supply should be provided for the submerged half of the population,
+and they could not grumble at these things, but what they did not
+consider necessary was, that a salary should be forthcoming for each
+pupil-teacher sufficient to enable him or her to drive down to the
+schools in their own carriage and pair. (_Much laughter._) He did not
+think it a laughing matter. He would strongly suggest a diminution of
+at least £1000 a-year in the salaries of these overpaid officials.
+
+The Chairman here asked the speaker if he had considered that
+"descending" from a carriage was necessarily connected with the
+teaching of Deportment, on which the Board set great value? Was he
+not aware that some great man had said, wishing to give Deportment its
+proper weight as an educational factor, that the Battle of Waterloo
+(at least he thought he was quoting correctly) was won at Almacks?
+(_Renewed laughter._) Anyhow, he did not consider that £2,500 a-year,
+and a house in Mayfair, was at all an excessive remuneration for a
+School-Board teacher, as measured by the Board's standard. He thought,
+if that was all the Deputation had to urge, that they might have saved
+themselves the trouble their protest had cost them.
+
+The Spokesman having for a few moments consulted with his colleagues,
+hereupon turned to the Chairman, and delivering with fearful emphasis
+the customary curse on the School Board, its Chairman, and all its
+belongings, at the same time thanking the Chairman for his courteous
+reception of the Deputation, silently and sulkily withdrew.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRURIOLANUS AND DANCING.--The Fancy Dress Ball--not a "Ball
+Marsky"--at Covent Garden, last Tuesday week, was a great success,
+on which DRURIOLANUS FORTUNATUS is hereby congratulated. There is to
+be a similar festivity, to celebrate _Mi-Carême_. Quite appropriate
+this date, when the season is half Lent, and the costumes almost all
+borrowed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN APPEAL CASE, HOUSE OF LORDS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING.
+
+    ["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already mortgaged. In
+    1892 you may count upon me."--_Mr. KIPLING to Magazine Editor,
+    who wished to secure him as a Contributor_.]
+
+  Oh, happy man! for whom this world of ours
+    Is but a ceaseless round of milk and honey,
+  Who use your wondrous word-compelling powers
+    For us in telling tales (and making money),
+
+  How you must laugh to rake the dollars in,
+    The publishers--how badly you must bleed them;
+  Your tales _are_ good, but yet, ere you begin
+   On more, just think of us who've got to read them.
+
+  It frightens us to hear your Ninety-One
+    Is mortgaged--for the prospect's _not_ inviting,
+  To think of all that may and will be done,
+    If, through the present year you ne'er cease writing!
+
+  With bated breath we ask, and humble mien--
+    We realise how far we come behind you--
+  That you will leave _one_ remnant Magazine
+    In which we may be sure we shall not find you.
+
+  Then will your RUDYARD name with joy be hailed,
+    And yours will be a never-fading glory,
+  If, when you're asked to write a _Light that Failed_,
+    You merely tell us, "That's another story."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN UPPER NOTE.
+
+Sir,--I mustn't interfere with the diary of TOBY, M.P. But, as he is
+not reported as being in the Upper House on this particular occasion,
+I cannot help drawing general attention to the dispatch of business
+among the Lords on Thursday last. I quote from the Parliamentary
+Report in the _Daily Telegraph_, which informed us that
+
+    "The LORD CHANCELLOR took his seat on the Woolsack at a
+    quarter-past four o'clock."
+
+Then in came "A New Spiritual Peer." Awful! It sounds like an
+apparition in a blood-curdling ghost-story. Where was LIKA JOKO
+with his pencil? Well, "the new Spiritual Peer took his oath and his
+seat"--why wasn't he called upon for his toast and sentiment?--and
+then--what happened? Did their Lordships stay to have a friendly chat
+with the new-comer? No, not a bit of it; for the report says,
+
+    "Their Lordships rose at twenty-five minutes to five o'clock."
+
+So that, in effect, as soon as the new boy came in, and seated
+himself, all the old boys went out. There's manners for you! And this
+in the Upper House, too!! Yours truly, THE MARQUIZ.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNREGENERATE.
+
+"ONLY THINK HOW DELIGHTFUL, BOBBIE! THEY'VE DISCOVERED, IN MANUSCRIPT,
+AN ENTIRELY NEW WORK BY ARISTOTLE, AND THEY'RE GOING TO PUBLISH IT!"
+
+"REALLY, MAMMIE? THEN ALL I CAN SAY IS, I'M PRECIOUS GLAD I'VE LEFT
+SCHOOL FOR GOOD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: The Rollit Albert that gathered Three Bills into the
+Statute Book.]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday Night, Feb. 2_.--"I do not," said OLD
+MORALITY, a cloud of disappointment settling on his massive brow,
+"know any case where, comparatively late in life, after a blameless
+career, depravity has so suddenly broken out in a man as it has with
+SYDNEY GEDGE. It is true, that upon occasion GEDGE has not given
+entire satisfaction to our friends opposite. They hold the opinion
+that his incursions in debate have been inopportune, and, in short,
+unnecessary; but that is their affair. We have had no ground for
+complaint. GEDGE has always voted straight, has appropriately filled
+up a dull half-hour when we had to keep a Debate going, and at all
+times he has invested our side of the House with a certain _je ne sais
+quoi_ of dignity, combined with profound wisdom. And now to go and
+break out in this unexpected manner! It is incomprehensible,--would
+be, if I had not seen him with my own organs of vision, incredible. We
+must make GEDGE a Peer, or a County Court Judge."
+
+OLD MORALITY's discomposure not unwarranted. GEDGE certainly made our
+flesh creep to-night. Of all things in the world, it came about on the
+Tithes Bill. In Committee all night; Sir JOHN SWINBURNE spoken several
+times; HARCOURT, leading Opposition, made several efforts to inspire
+proceedings with a little life, but not to be done. Bill rapidly
+slipping through; Amendments to Clauses all disposed of; a few new
+ones on paper. Of course not slightest chance of being added to Bill.
+One by one moved; Minister objected; Clause negatived; and there
+an end of it. Twelve o'clock close at hand; on stroke of Midnight,
+Debate must be adjourned; still plenty of time to get the Bill
+through Committee. Everything out of the way except new Clause in
+name of SYDNEY GEDGE. But GEDGE loyal Ministerialist; not likely _he_
+would interfere with arrangements, and endanger progress of Bill.
+HICKS-BEACH, in charge of measure, kept his eye on the clock; three
+minutes to Twelve; running it pretty close, but just time to get Bill
+through. GEDGE on his feet; quite unnecessary; needn't stand up to
+say he would not move his Clause; if he had simply lifted his hat when
+Chairman called his name it would be understood that he had sacrificed
+his Clause. Dangerous this, dallying on stroke of Midnight.
+
+To his horror, HICKS-BEACH heard GEDGE beginning to describe purport
+of his new Clause. Was going to move it then? Yes. After moment's
+horrified pause, Ministerialists broke into angry cries of, "Divide!"
+Opposition convulsed with laughter; HICKS-BEACH pale and stern, and
+stony silent; SYDNEY GEDGE flushed, conversational, dogged. Even if
+Tithes Bill were lost he would explain the bearing of his new Clause.
+Scene increasing in hilarity; lasted three minutes: then Midnight
+sounded, and SYDNEY sat down, surprised to find he had talked out the
+Tithes Bill.
+
+"You might have knocked me down with a feather," said ALBERT ROLLIT,
+who, before opening his lips, had observed the precaution of propping
+himself up against the wall. "GEDGE, of all men, to spoil the
+Ministerial plan, and imperil their arrangements for the week! It's
+all COURTNEY's fault. Since GEDGE tasted COURTNEY's blood, on the
+night he interrupted his speech by chatting in the Chair with HERBERT
+GARDNER, GEDGE has never been the same man. There's no knowing to what
+lengths he may not go."
+
+_Business done_.--SYDNEY GEDGE broken out again worse than ever.
+
+_Tuesday_.--MARJORIBANKS rather depressed as he rose to move his
+Resolution for appointment of Royal Commission on New Magazine Rifle.
+Had hoped to appear under very different circumstances. Meant quite to
+put in the shade LYON PLAYFAIR's historic lecture on Margarine, when
+he had the tables covered with pots of that substance, with penny
+loaves and small knives for Members to sample withal. For weeks
+MARJORIBANKS been preparing for occasion. Had possessed himself of
+quite an armoury of rifles: intended to bring them into the House and
+illustrate his lecture with practical experiments. The climax was to
+be the shooting-off scene. BOBBY SPENCER and ANSTRUTHER on in this.
+BOBBY standing at the Bar with an apple held on palm of extended right
+hand; MARJORIBANKS, using Martini-Henry Rifle, was to clear the apple
+off, leaving BOBBY's hair unsinged, and not a wrinkle added to his
+collar. ANSTRUTHER was next to stand in the same place, braving the
+fire of the Magazine Rifle. But he didn't have an apple, as it was
+arranged that the new arm should jam.
+
+[Illustration: Standing Fire.]
+
+"Suppose it doesn't?" ANSTRUTHER inquired, when MARJORIBANKS first
+unfolded his scheme.
+
+"Oh, that'll be all right," said MARJORIBANKS, cheerily.
+
+Long practice on the Terrace made the arrangements perfect, when
+they were suddenly upset by interference from unexpected quarter. The
+SPEAKER, wondering what all this rifle-popping was, came to hear of
+the project; at once said it wouldn't do; no arms of any kind admitted
+in House of Commons, except the sword worn by SERGEANT-AT-ARMS,
+and once a year the lethal weapons carried by the Naval or Military
+gentlemen who move and second Address. BOBBY SPENCER rather glad,
+I fancy; ANSTRUTHER not inconsolable. But MARJORIBANKS distinctly
+depressed.
+
+"Not often I occupy time of House," he said. "We Whips make Houses,
+and you empty them. DUFF--and he's not a Whip now--made all the
+running with his orations on the herring brand. Thought I would make
+a hit this time."
+
+"I was a little afraid of it too," said ANSTRUTHER.
+
+"Oh, you were all right," said MARJORIBANKS; "the New Magazine Rifle
+will not fire unless, after first shot, you clean it out with an oily
+rag, and I was going to take precious good care to forget the rag.
+You've no public spirit, ANSTRUTHER, since you left us to help WOLMER
+to whip up Dissentients."
+
+No appeal from SPEAKER's ruling. MARJORIBANKS had to make the best
+of botched business. Brought to the table a spring snap-extractor,
+a bolt-head screw, and some other odds and ends; poor substitute
+for what he had intended. Still made out admirable case, Government
+mustering majority of only 34 against Motion.
+
+[Illustration: Grandolph's Latest Achievement.]
+
+Just before Midnight, Tithes Bill reached; GEDGE's Amendment still
+blocked the way; Chairman called aloud, "Mr. GEDGE!" no answer;
+place empty. Whilst Members whispering inquiry, Bill passed through
+Committee, and Ministers triumphed. That's all very well, but
+where's GEDGE? CORB, who is developing quite unsuspected gifts in the
+Amateur-detective line, intends to take this matter up when he has
+settled the affair of the Coroner at the BEDFORD inquest.
+
+_Business done_.--Tithe Bill through Committee. Mysterious
+disappearance of SYDNEY GEDGE.
+
+_Thursday Night_.--GRAHDOLPH back again, bringing his sheaves--I mean
+his beard--with him. Hardly knew him at first. No such beard been
+seen in House since MACFARLANE left us. Not quite the same colour; but
+GRANDOLPH could give a handful to MACFARLANE, and win.
+
+"Yes," he said, when I complimented him on so magnificent a result
+achieved in comparatively short time, "when I do a thing, I like to
+do it well. Little awkward at first, you know, specially on a windy
+day; tendency to get between your knees, or wrap itself round your
+neck. But we're growing used to each other, and shall get on nicely
+by-and-by."
+
+More of Tithes Bill. Drearier than ever, now GEDGE's place is empty.
+_Business done_.--Report Stage of Tithes Bill.
+
+_Friday_.--Conversation as to course of public business. OLD MORALITY
+regrets Tithes Bill not through Reporting stage yet. Down on the paper
+for to-night, but didn't think there would be much chance of reaching
+it. So put it down for Monday. If not got through then, must be taken
+on Thursday, and JOHN MORLEY's Resolution on Crimes Act shunted along
+indefinitely. Much regretted this; duty to Queen and Country, &c.;
+but no one had yet discovered the secret of inclosing a quart of fluid
+matter in a glass receptacle not exceeding the capacity of one pint.
+
+Members thus informed that Tithes Bill was taken off _agenda_ for
+to-night, went off; House emptied; and when, at quarter-past Seven,
+CONYBEARE rose to discuss Mining Royalties, was Counted Out.
+
+"Why, bless me!" cried OLD MORALITY, aghast at the news, "here's a
+sitting practically wasted, and we might have used it for the Tithes
+Bill." _Business done_.--Motion to abolish Livery Franchise negatived
+by 148 votes against 120.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ST. VALENTINE'S EVE.
+
+    SCENE--_The outside of a small fancy-stationer's in a
+    back-street. The windows are plastered with highly-coloured
+    caricatures, designed to convey the anonymous amenities
+    prescribed by poetic tradition at this Season of the Year. A
+    small crowd is inspecting these works of Art and Literature
+    with hearty approval._
+
+_First Artisan_. See this 'ere, BILL? (_He spells out with a slow
+relish._)
+
+  "With yer crawlin,' lick-spittle carneyin' ways,
+  Yo think very likely bein' a nippercrit'll pay!
+  Still some day it's certain you'll be found out at lorst
+  As a cringin', sloimy, snoike in the grorss!"
+
+Why, it might ha' been wrote a-purpose for that there little cantin'
+beggar up at our shop--blowed if it mightn't!
+
+_Second Artisan_. Young MEALY, yer mean? But that's cawmplimentry--for
+_him_--that is!
+
+_First A._ But yer see the ideer of it. They've drawed im a snoike,
+all 'cept 'is 'ed, d'ye see? That's why they've wrote "Snoike in the
+Grorss," underneath. Hor-hor! they must be smart chaps to think o'
+sech things as that 'ere, eh? [_They move on._
+
+_First Servant Girl_ (_reading_)--
+
+  "Two squintin' boss-heyes, and 'air all foiry-red.
+  You surely can't ever expect to be wed?
+  Yer nose shows plain you've took to gin.
+  _You_'re a nice party for a wedding-ring!"
+
+I've 'arf a mind to go in and git one o' them to send Missis.
+
+_Second S.G._ (_in service elsewhere_). Oh, I _would_! Go in, SALLY,
+quick. I can lend yer a ap'ny towards it.
+
+_Sally_ (_meditatively_). _I_'d do it--on'y she'd guess 'ood sent it
+her!
+
+_Second S.G._ _Let_ 'er. You can stick 'er out it wasn't _you_.
+
+_Sally_. I could, O' course--but it wouldn't be no use, she'd tell the
+'andwriting on the hongvelope! (_Gloomily._)
+
+_Second S.G._ Oh, if that's all, _I'll_ direct it for yer. Come on,
+SALLY; it will be sech a lark, and then you can tell me all about what
+she said arterwards! [_They enter the shop._
+
+_First Young Person in hat and feathers_ (_reading_)--
+
+  "The female 'art you think you'll mash,
+  By sporting stick-up collars and a la-di-da moustache.
+  But I tell you straight it'll be a long time
+  Before I take you to be _my_ Valentine!"
+
+I do wonder what CHORLEY 'AWKINS would say if I sent him one of them.
+
+_Second Y.P._ But I thought you told me CHORLEY 'AWKINS never took no
+notice of you?
+
+_First Y.P._ No more he does--but p'raps this 'ud _make_ him!
+
+_A Young Woman_ (_who has fallen out with her fiancé_). They ain't
+_arf_ Valentines this year, I wish I could come across one with 'orns
+and a tail!
+
+_Elder Sister_ (_to small Brother--in a moral tone_). _Now_, JIMMY,
+you see what comes o' Book-learnin'. If you 'adn't gone to the Board
+School so regular, you wouldn't ha' been able to read all the potry on
+the Valentines like you can now, _would_ yer now?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100. February 14, 1891., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 13252-8.txt or 13252-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/5/13252/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/old/13252-8.zip b/old/13252-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6707ffa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-8.zip
diff --git a/old/13252-h.zip b/old/13252-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f327b5e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h.zip
diff --git a/old/13252-h/13252-h.htm b/old/13252-h/13252-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a951a7b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/13252-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2300 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+          content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+    <title>Punch, February 14, 1891.</title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+    /*<![CDATA[*/
+
+    <!--
+    body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    p                    {text-align: justify;}
+    blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+    h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+    pre                  {font-size: 0.7em;}
+
+    hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+    html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+    hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+    html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+    hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+    html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+    .note
+    {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+    span.pagenum
+    {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
+
+    .poem
+    {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+    .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+    .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+    .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+    .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+    .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+    .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+
+    .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+    {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+    .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+    .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+    .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+    .figright            {float: right;}
+    .figleft             {float: left;}
+
+    .inline              {border: none; vertical-align: middle;}
+
+    .footnote            {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;}
+
+    p.author {text-align: right;}
+    -->
+    /*]]>*/
+    </style>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.
+February 14, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. February 14, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 22, 2004 [EBook #13252]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>February 14, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73"
+       id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span>
+
+    <h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h3>No. XXIII.&mdash;THE TOLERATED HUSBAND.</h3>
+
+    <p>It is customary for the self-righteous moralists who puff
+    themselves into a state of Jingo complacency over the failings
+    of foreign nations, to declare with considerable unction that
+    the domestic hearth, which every Frenchman habitually tramples
+    upon, is maintained in unviolated purity in every British
+    household. The rude shocks which Mr. Justice BUTT occasionally
+    administers to the national conscience are readily forgotten,
+    and the chorus of patriotic adulation is stimulated by the
+    visits which the British censor finds it necessary to pay (in
+    mufti) to the courts of wickedness in continental capitals. It
+    may be that among our unimaginative race the lack of virtue is
+    not presented in the gaudy trappings that delight our
+    neighbours. Our wickedness is coarser and less attractive. It
+    gutters like a cheap candle when contrasted with the steady
+    brilliancy of the Parisian article. Public opinion, too, holds
+    amongst us a more formidable lash, and wields it with a sterner
+    and more frequent severity. But it is impossible to deny that
+    our society, however strict its professed code may be, can and
+    does produce examples of those lapses from propriety which the
+    superficial public deems to be typically and exclusively
+    continental. Not only are they produced, but their production
+    and their continuance are tolerated by a certain class,
+    possibly limited, but certainly influential.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/73.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/73.png"
+             alt="The Tolerated Husband." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Amongst these examples, both of lapse and of toleration, the
+    Tolerated Husband holds a foremost place. Certain conditions
+    are necessary for his proper production. He must be not only
+    easy-going, but unprincipled,&mdash;unprincipled, that is,
+    rather in the sense of having no particular principles of any
+    kind than in that of possessing and practising notoriously bad
+    ones. He must have a fine contempt for steady respectability,
+    and an irresistible inclination to that glittering style of
+    untrammelled life which is believed by those who live it to be
+    the true Bohemianism. He should be weak in character, he may be
+    pleasant in manner and appearance, and he must be both poor and
+    extravagant. If to these qualities be added, first a wife,
+    young, good-looking, and in most respects similar to her
+    husband, though of a stronger will, and secondly a friend,
+    rich, determined, strictly unprincipled, and thoroughly
+    unscrupulous, the conditions which produce the Tolerated
+    Husband may be said to be complete.</p>
+
+    <p>The Tolerated Husband may have been at one time an officer
+    in a good regiment. Having married, he finds that his pay,
+    combined with a moderate private income, and a generous
+    allowance of indebtedness, due to the gratification of
+    expensive tastes, is insufficient to maintain him in that
+    position of comfort to which he conceives himself to be
+    entitled. He therefore abandons the career of arms, and becomes
+    one of those who attempt spasmodically to redeem commercial
+    professions from the taint of mere commercialism by becoming
+    commercial themselves. It is certain that the gilded society
+    which turns up a moderately aristocratic nose at trade and
+    tradesmen, looks with complete indulgence upon an ex-officer
+    who dabbles in wine, or associates himself with a new scheme
+    for the easy manufacture of working-men's boots. An agency to a
+    Fire and Life Assurance Society is, of course, above reproach,
+    and the Stock Exchange, an institution which, in the
+    imagination of reckless fools, provides as large a cover as
+    charity, is positively enviable&mdash;a reputation which it
+    owes to the fancied ease with which half-a-crown is converted
+    into one hundred thousand pounds by the mere stroke of an
+    office pen.</p>
+
+    <p>The Tolerated Husband tries all these methods, one after
+    another, with a painful monotony of failure in each. Yet,
+    somehow or other, he still keeps up appearances, and manages to
+    live in a certain style not far removed from luxury. He
+    entertains his friends at elaborate dinners, both at home and
+    at expensive restaurants; he is a frequent visitor at theatres,
+    where he often pays for the stalls of many others as well as
+    for his own. He takes a small house in the country, and fills
+    it with guests, to whom he offers admirable wines, and
+    excellent cigars. His wife is always beautifully dressed, and
+    glitters with an array of jewels which make her the envy of
+    many a steady leader of fashion. The world begins to ask,
+    vaguely at first, but with a constantly increasing persistence,
+    how the thing is done. Respectability and malice combine to
+    whisper a truthful answer. Starting from the axiom that the
+    precarious income which is produced by a want of success in
+    many branches of business cannot support luxury or purchase
+    diamonds, they arrive, <i>per saltum</i>, at the conclusion
+    that there must be some third party to provide the wife and the
+    husband with means for their existence. His name is soon fixed
+    upon, and his motives readily inferred. It can be none other
+    than the husband's rich bachelor friend, the same who
+    accompanies the pair on all their expeditions, who is a
+    constant guest at their house, and is known to be both lavish
+    and determined in the prosecution of any object on which he has
+    set his heart. His heart, in this instance, is set upon his
+    friend's wife, and the obstacles in his way do not seem to be
+    very formidable. The case, indeed, is soon too manifest for any
+    one but a born idiot to feign ignorance of it. The husband is
+    not a born idiot&mdash;he either sees it plainly, or (it may
+    be, after a struggle) he looks another way, and resigns himself
+    to the inevitable. For inevitable it is, if he is to continue
+    in that life of indolence and extravagant comfort which habit
+    has made a necessity for him. So he submits to the constant
+    companionship of a third party, and, in order to be truly
+    tolerated in his own household, becomes tolerant in a manner
+    that is almost sublime. He allows his friend to help him with
+    large subventions of money; he lets him cover his wife with
+    costly jewels. He is content to be supplanted without fuss,
+    provided the supplanter never decreases the stream of his
+    benevolence; and the supplanter, having more wealth than he
+    knows what to do with, is quite content to secure his object on
+    such extremely easy terms. And thus the Tolerated Husband is
+    created.</p>
+
+    <p>It is curious to notice how cheerfully, to all outward
+    appearance, he accepts what other men would consider a
+    disaster. Before the world he carries his head high with an
+    assumption of genial frankness and easy good temper. "Come and
+    dine with us to-morrow, my boy," he will say to an old
+    acquaintance, "there'll only be yourself and a couple of others
+    besides ourselves. We'll go to the play afterwards." And the
+    acquaintance will most certainly discover, if he accepts the
+    invitation, that the "ourselves" included not only husband and
+    wife, but friend as well. He will also notice that the last is
+    even more at home in the house, and speaks in a tone of greater
+    authority than the apparent host. Everything is referred to him
+    for decision, and the master of the house treats him with a
+    deferential humility which goes far to contradict the cynical
+    observation that there is no gratitude on earth. The Tolerated
+    Husband, indeed, never tires of dispensing hospitality at the
+    cost of his friend, and though the whole world knows the case,
+    there will never be a lack of guests to accept what is
+    offered.</p>
+
+    <p>At last, however, in spite of his toleration, he becomes an
+    encumbrance in his own house, and, like most encumbrances, he
+    has to be paid off, the friend providing the requisite annual
+    income. One after another he puts off the last remaining rags
+    of his pretended self-respect. He haunts his Clubs less and
+    less frequently, and seems to wither under the open dislike of
+    those who are repelled by the mean and sordid details of his
+    despicable story. And thus he drags on his life, a degraded and
+    comparatively impoverished outcast, untidy, haggard and
+    shunned, having forfeited by the restriction of his spending
+    powers even the good-natured contempt of those who were not too
+    proud to be at one time mistaken for his friends.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LABOURS FOR LENT.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Emperor of Germany</i>.&mdash;To conciliate the great men
+    who have had to prefix "Ex" to their official titles since he
+    ascended the Throne.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Emperor of Russia</i>.&mdash;To find a resting-place safe
+    from the Nihilists.</p>
+
+    <p><i>King of Italy</i>.&mdash;To do without CRISPI, and the
+    Triple Alliance.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Emperor of Austria</i>.&mdash;To master the subject
+    of Home Rule as applied to Austria, Hungary, and the Bulgarian
+    Nationalities.</p>
+
+    <p><i>King of Portugal</i>.&mdash;To settle the Map of Africa
+    with Lord SALISBURY.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President of the French Republic</i>.&mdash;To adapt
+    <i>Thermidor</i> for the German stage.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President of the American Republic</i>.&mdash;To
+    bless the McKinley Tariff.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Marquis of Salisbury</i>.&mdash;To consider with his
+    son and heir the Roman Catholic Disabilities Removal Bill.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.H. Smith</i>.&mdash;To renew his stock of Copy-book
+    proverbs.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Gladstone</i>.&mdash;To compile and annotate a new
+    volume of <i>Gleanings</i>, containing the <i>Quarterly</i>
+    Article on "Vaticanism," and the speech in support of the
+    Ripon-plus-Russell Relief Bill.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Goschen</i>.&mdash;To divide the coming Surplus to
+    everyone's satisfaction.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Balfour</i>.&mdash;To learn to love both wings of the
+    Irish Party.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Justin McCarthy</i>.&mdash;To discover his exact
+    position.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. S.B. Bancroft</i>.&mdash;To regard with satisfaction
+    his gift to General Dealer BOOTH.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74"
+       id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/74.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/74.png"
+             alt="JUNIUS JUDEX." /></a>
+
+        <h3>JUNIUS JUDEX.</h3><i>A Pindaric Fragment</i>. (<i>A
+        long way after Gray</i>.)
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Awake, O Themis-twangled lyre, awake,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And give to pæans all thy sounding
+            strings!</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Here is a triumph joyfuller than
+            Spring's.</p>
+
+            <p>JEUNE smacks of Summer rather, and must take</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">The cake!</p>
+
+            <p>As frescoed heroes cloud-borne progress make,</p>
+
+            <p>So&mdash;happy apotheosis!&mdash;advances</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Stately Sir FRANCIS!</p>
+
+            <p>See how late-knighted Justice moves along,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">High, majestic, smooth and strong,</p>
+
+            <p>Through Cupid's maze and Neptune's mighty main</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">(O Wimpole Street, uplift the
+            strain!)</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Toward that proudly portal'd door.</p>
+
+            <p>Silk gowns and snowy wigs raise the applausive
+            roar!</p>
+
+            <p>O Sovereign of the Social Soul,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Lady of bland and comfort&mdash;breathing
+            airs,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Enchanting hostess! Business cares</p>
+
+            <p>And Party passion own thy soft control,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">In thy saloons the Lord of War</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Muffles the wheels of his wild car,</p>
+
+            <p>And drops his thirsty lance at thy command.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Smoothed by a snowy hand,</p>
+
+            <p>Aquila's self, the fierce and feathered king,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">With sleek-pruned plumes, and
+            close-furled wing</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Will calmly cackle, and put by</p>
+
+            <p>The terrors of his beak, the lightnings of his
+            eye.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Thine the voice, the dance obey;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Tempered to thy pleasant sway,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Blue and Buff, Orange and Green,</p>
+
+            <p>In polychromatic harmony are seen,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">As on a bright Jeune day.</p>
+
+            <p>And now JEUNE triumphs in no minor measure.</p>
+
+            <p>Judicial Pomp and Social Pleasure</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Now indeed make marvellous meeting.</p>
+
+            <p>See with suasion firmly sweet</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">That brisk trio, gaily greeting</p>
+
+            <p>To that portal guide his feet.</p>
+
+            <p>Neptune's hoarse hails his friend's approach
+            declare,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Probate, the winged sprite, about must
+            play;</p>
+
+            <p>With wanton wings that winnow the soft air</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">In gliding state Lord Cupid leads the
+            way</p>
+
+            <p>To where grave Law must mark, assay, reprove</p>
+
+            <p>Wanderings of young Desire, and lures of fickle
+            Love!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TOMMY ATKINS'S HARD LOT.</h3>
+
+    <p>"TOMMY ATKINS," writing modestly enough to the <i>Daily
+    Chronicle</i> of the 6th February, complains that the coal
+    supplied by the Authorities for barrack-rooms, is so limited in
+    quantity that "during the winter this, as a rule, only lasts
+    about two days" in the week, and TOMMY and his comrades have to
+    "club-up" to supply the deficiency out of their own
+    microscopical pay. "In fact" (says T.A.) "I have been in
+    barrack-rooms where the men have had no fires after the first
+    two days of the week." <i>If</i> this be so, <i>Mr. Punch</i>
+    agrees with TOMMY in saying, "Surely this ought not to be!"
+    TOMMY ATKINS may reasonably be expected to "stand fire" at any
+    season, but not the absence of it in such wintry weather as we
+    have had recently!</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>If this is poor TOMMY ATKINS's lot,</p>
+
+            <p>As TOMMY might say, It is all Tommy-rot!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>COLUMBIA ON HER SPARROW.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>With Apologies to William Cartwright.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["The Americans have had enough of the Sparrow
+        (<i>Passer domesticus</i>), and the mildest epithet
+        reserved for him seems to be that of
+        'pest.'"&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Tell me not of joy,&mdash;a hum!</p>
+
+            <p>Now the British Sparrow's come.</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Sent first was he</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Across the sea,</p>
+
+            <p>Advisers kind did flatter me,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When he winged way o'er Yankee soil,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My caterpillar swarms he'd spoil;</p>
+
+            <p>And oh, how pleasant that would be!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He would catch a grub, and then</p>
+
+            <p><i>It</i> would never feed again.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">My fields he'd skip,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And peck, and nip,</p>
+
+            <p>And on the caterpillars feed;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And nought should crawl, or hop, or
+            run</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When he his hearty meal had done.</p>
+
+            <p>Alas! it was a sell, indeed!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O'er my fields he makes his flight,</p>
+
+            <p>In numbers almost infinite;</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">A plague, alas!</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">That doth surpass</p>
+
+            <p>The swarming caterpillar crew.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">What I did I much regret;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Passer</i> is multiplying yet;</p>
+
+            <p>Check him I can't. What shall I do?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The British Sparrow won't depart,</p>
+
+            <p>His feathered legions break my heart.</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Would <i>he</i> away</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">I would not, nay!</p>
+
+            <p>About mere caterpillars fuss.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Patience with grubs and moths were
+            mine,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would <i>he</i> but pass across the
+            brine.</p>
+
+            <p><i>I</i> call <i>Passer Domestic Cuss</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"HERE WE HARE AGAIN!"&mdash;There are two Johnnies on the
+    stage. JOHNNY Senior being J.L. TOOLE (now on his way home from
+    New Zealand), and JOHNNY Junior, JOHN HARE, both immensely
+    popular as comedians, and both in high favour with our most
+    illustrious and judicious Patron of the Drama, H.R.H. the
+    Prince of WALES. It is gratifying to learn that, after the
+    performance of <i>A Pair of Spectacles</i> at Sandringham, the
+    Prince presented the Junior of these two Johnnies with a silver
+    cigar-box. In the right-hand corner of the lid is engraved a
+    hare looking through a pair of spectacles, and inside is a
+    dedication to JOHN HARE from ALBERT EDWARD. "Pretty compliment
+    this," as Sir WILL SOMERS, the Court Jester, might have
+    said,&mdash;"to JOHNNY HARE from the Hare Apparent."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page75"
+       id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span>
+
+    <h2>THEIR "IBSEN-DIXIT."</h2>
+
+    <p>A new set of Faddists has been gradually growing up, not in
+    our midst, but in the parts about Literature and the Drama. The
+    object of their cult is, one HENRIK IBSEN, a Norwegian
+    Dramatist, (perhaps it would be more correct to say, <i>the</i>
+    Norwegian Dramatist,) of whose plays a pretty sprinkling of
+    scribes, amateur and professional, but all of the very highest
+    culture, profess themselves the uncompromisingly enthusiastic
+    admirers. You may not know the Ibsenites or any of their works,
+    but in their company at least,&mdash;that is, supposing
+    yourself so highly privileged as to be admitted within the
+    innermost circle of the Inner Ibsen
+    Brotherhood,&mdash;<i>not</i> to know IBSEN would be proof
+    positive of your being in the outer darkness of ignorance, and
+    in need, however unworthy, of the grace of Ibsenitish
+    enlightenment. Recruits are wanted in the Ibsenite ranks, so as
+    to strengthen numerically the one party against the other; for
+    the Ibsenitish sect has so for progressed as to be at
+    loggerheads amongst themselves; not indeed on any really
+    essential question, such as would be, for example, any doubt as
+    to the position of IBSEN as a Dramatist, or as to the order of
+    merit and precedence to be assigned to his works. No, on such
+    matters they are apparently at one; but in other matters they
+    are at one another. Thus the unity appears to be only
+    superficial, a decent plaster hiding the rift occasioned by one
+    of their number having literally translated into English
+    IBSEN's latest Norwegian drama, of which translation the verbal
+    correctness is impugned by another learned Ibsenite.</p>
+
+    <p>Not being "a hardy Norseman," and having neither a reading
+    nor speaking acquaintance with the Norse language, I am unable
+    to decide abstruse points on which such learned doctors
+    disagree; but not being altogether without some practical
+    experience of English and French drama, I venture to call in
+    question not only the dramatic ability of the dramatist
+    himself, but also, after perhaps allowing him some merit as a
+    type-writer or character-sketcher, to assert that the style and
+    matter of most of his work is always tiresome, frequently
+    childish, and the subject often morbid and unhealthy; and,
+    further, that his method is tedious to the last degree of
+    boredom; for, as a writer, if I may judge him fairly by his
+    translators, he is didactic and prosy, and never more tedious
+    than when his dialogue is intended to be at its very crispest.
+    As a playwright his construction is faulty. Here and there he
+    gives expression to pretty ideas, reminding me (still judging
+    by the translation) of TOM ROBERTSON, not when the latter was
+    in his happiest vein, but when laboriously striving to make his
+    puppets talk in a sweetly ingenuous manner.</p>
+
+    <p>I have never seen any play of IBSEN's on the stage, but I
+    have read several of them&mdash;indeed, as I believe, all that
+    have hitherto been translated and published in this country. I
+    was prepared to be charmed, expecting much. I was soon
+    disillusioned, and great was my disappointment. Then I re-read
+    them, to judge of them not merely as dramas for the closet, but
+    as dramas for the stage, written to be acted, not to be read;
+    or, at all events, as far as the general public were concerned,
+    to be acted first, and to be read afterwards. As acting dramas,
+    it is difficult to conceive anything less practically dramatic.
+    I do not know what the pecuniary result of his theatrical
+    productions may be in his own country&mdash;where, I believe,
+    he doesn't reside&mdash;but, out of his own country (say, here
+    in London), I should say that a one-night's performance, with a
+    house half full, would exhaust IBSEN's English public, and
+    quite exhaust the patience of those who know not IBSEN.</p>
+
+    <p>Years ago we had the Chatterton-Boucicault dictum that
+    "SHAKSPEARE spelt failure." Now, for SHAKSPEARE read "IBSEN,"
+    and insert the words "swift and utter" before "failure," and
+    you have my opinion as to how the formula would stand with
+    regard to IBSEN. I should be sorry to see any professional
+    Manager making himself pecuniarily responsible for the success
+    of such an undertaking, a word which, in its funereal sense, is
+    of ill omen to the attempt. Let the Ibsenites club together,
+    lease a theatre, and see how the public likes their show.
+    There's nothing doing at the Royalty just now; let them pay
+    rent in advance, and become Miss KATE SANTLEY's tenants; then,
+    if the IBSEN-worshippers, with their Arch-priest, or
+    ARCHER-priest, at their head, come to a temporary understanding
+    with the Gosse-Ibsenites, they could craftily contrive to be
+    invited as guests to a dinner at the Playwreckers' Club. The
+    <i>dilettanti</i> members of this association the United
+    Ibsenites could flatter by deferring to the opinions of their
+    hosts, while inculcating their own, thus securing the goodwill
+    and patronage of the Playwreckers, a plan nowadays adopted with
+    considerable success by some of our wiliest dramatists, eager
+    to secure a free course and be glorified; and so, by making
+    each one of these mighty amateurs feel that the success of
+    IBSEN in this country depended on him personally, that is, on
+    his verdict or "<i>Ibsen dixit</i>," a run of, say, perhaps
+    three nights might possibly be secured, when they could play to
+    fairly-filled houses. One "nicht wi' IBSEN," one night only,
+    would, I venture to say, be quite enough for most of us. "Oh,
+    that mine enemy would write a book!" "Oh, that my enemy would
+    bring out an Ibsenite play," and try to run it! Perhaps he
+    will. In which case I will either alter my opinion or give him
+    a dose of ANTI-FAD.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/75.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/75.png"
+             alt="MR. GLADSTONE'S NEW HOUSE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>MR. GLADSTONE'S NEW HOUSE.</h3>"The house which Mr.
+        GLADSTONE has just taken in Park Lane is, it is reported,
+        the selection of Mrs. GLADSTONE, who recommends it with a
+        view to her husband's opportunities for
+        exercise."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76"
+       id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span>
+
+    <h2>SULLIVANHOE!</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/76-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/76-1.png"
+             alt="All Dicky with Ivanhoe." /></a>All Dicky with
+             Ivanhoe; or, The Long and Short of it.
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>BRAVISSIMO</i>, Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN of Ivanhoe, or to
+    compress it telegraphically by wire, "<i>Bravissimo
+    Sullivanhoe!</i>" Loud cries of "ARTHUR! ARTHUR!" and as ARTHUR
+    and Composer he bows a solo gracefully in front of the Curtain.
+    Then Mr. JULIAN STURGIS is handed out to him, when "SULLIVAN"
+    and "JULIAN"&mdash;latter name phonetically suggestive of
+    ancient musical associations, though who nowadays remembers
+    "Mons. JULLIEN"?&mdash;the composer and librettist, bow a duet
+    together. "Music" and "Words" disappear behind gorgeous new
+    draperies. "All's swell that ends swell," and nothing could be
+    sweller than the audience on the first night. But to our tale.
+    As to the dramatic construction of this Opera, had I not been
+    informed by the kindly playbill that I was seeing
+    <i>Ivanhoe</i>, I should never have found it out from the first
+    scene, nor should I have been quite clear about it until the
+    situation where that slyboots <i>Rebecca</i> artfully threatens
+    to chuck herself off from the topmost turret rather than throw
+    herself away on the bad Templar <i>Sir Brian de
+    Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan</i>. The Opera might be fairly
+    described as "Scenes from <i>Ivanhoe</i>," musically
+    illustrated. There is, however, a continuity in the music which
+    is lacking in the plot.</p>
+
+    <p>The scenic effects are throughout admirable, and the method,
+    adopted at the end of each <i>tableau</i>, of leaving the
+    audience still more in the dark than they were before as to
+    what is going on on the stage, is an excellent notion, well
+    calculated to intensify the mystery in which the entire plot is
+    enveloped.</p>
+
+    <p>The change of scene&mdash;of course highly recommended by
+    the leech in attendance on the suffering
+    <i>Ivanhoe</i>&mdash;from the little second-floor-back in the
+    top storey of the castle tower, where the stout <i>Knight of
+    Ivanhoe</i> is in durance, is managed with the least possible
+    inconvenience to the invalid, who, whether suffering from gout
+    or pains in his side,&mdash;and, judging by his action, he
+    seemed to feel it, whatever it was, all over him,&mdash;found
+    himself <i>and</i> his second-hand lodging-house sofa (quite
+    good enough for a prisoner) suddenly deposited at the
+    comparatively safe distance of some three hundred yards or so
+    from the burning Castle of Torquilstone, in which identical
+    building he himself, not a minute before, had been immured. So
+    marvellous a flight of fancy is only to be found in an Arabian,
+    not a Christian, Night's Entertainment.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/76-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/76-2.png"
+             alt="The game of 'Becky my Neighbour.' The Stout Knight lays low." />
+        </a>The game of "Becky my Neighbour." The Stout Knight lays
+        low.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The Tournament Scene is a very effective "set," but
+    practically an elaborate "sell," as all the fighting on
+    horseback is done "without." Presently, after a fierce clashing
+    of property-swords, sounding suspiciously like fire-irons,
+    <i>Ivanhoe</i> and <i>Sir Brian</i> come in, afoot, to fight
+    out "round the sixth, and last." There is refreshing novelty in
+    Mr. COPLAND's impersonation of <i>Isaac of York</i>, who might
+    be taken for <i>Shylock's</i> younger brother who has been
+    experimenting on his beard with some curious kind of hair-dye.
+    This comic little <i>Isaac</i> will no doubt grow older during
+    the run of the piece, but on the first night he neither looked
+    nor behaved like <i>Rebecca's</i> aged and venerable sire, nor
+    did Miss MACINTYRE&mdash;who, by the way, is charming as
+    <i>Rebecca</i>, and who is so nimble in skipping about the
+    stage when avoiding the melodramatic <i>Sir Brian de
+    Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan</i>, and so generally active and
+    artful as to be quite a <i>Becky Sharp</i>,&mdash;nor, I say,
+    did Miss MACINTYRE seem to treat her precocious parent
+    (<i>Isaac</i> must have married very young, seeing that
+    <i>Becky</i> is full twenty-one, and <i>Isaac</i> apparently
+    very little more than twenty-eight, or, say, thirty) with any
+    great tenderness and affection; but these feelings no doubt
+    will be intensified, as she becomes more and more accustomed to
+    her jewvenile father during the run of the Opera, and he may
+    say to her, as the Bottle Imp did to his victim, "Ha! Ha! You
+    must <i>learn</i> to love me!"</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/76-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/76-3.png"
+             alt="'A1' Saxon Friar." /></a>"A1" Saxon Friar.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I have not time to enumerate all the charming effects of the
+    Opera, but I must not forget the magic property-harp, with,
+    apparently, limp whip-cord strings, "the harp that once," or
+    several times, was played by those accomplished musicians,
+    <i>King Richard</i>, and <i>Friar Tuck</i>, the latter of whom
+    has by far the most taking song in the Opera, and which would
+    have received a treble [or a baritone] encore, had
+    <i>Barkis</i>&mdash;meaning Sir ARTHUR&mdash;"been willin'."
+    The contest between <i>Richard</i> and the <i>Friar</i> is
+    decidedly "Dicky." Nor must I forget the magnificent property
+    supper in the first scene, at so much a head, where not a ham
+    or a chicken is touched; nor must "the waits" between some of
+    the sets be forgotten,&mdash;"waits" being so suggestive of
+    music at the merriest time of the year. Nor, above all, must I
+    omit to mention the principal character, <i>Ivanhoe</i>
+    himself, played by Mr. BEN DAVIES, who would be quite an ideal
+    <i>Ivanhoe</i> if he were not such a very real
+    <i>Ivanhoe</i>&mdash;only, of course, we must not forget that
+    he "doubles" the part. There is no thinness about "<i>Ben
+    Mio</i>," whether considered as a man, or as a good all-round
+    tenor. I did not envy <i>Ivanhoe's</i> marvellous power of
+    sleep while Miss MACINTYRE was singing her best, her sweetest,
+    and her loudest. For my part I prefer to believe that the
+    crafty Saxon was "only purtendin'," and was no more asleep than
+    <i>Josh Sedley</i> on the eve of Waterloo, or the Fat Boy when
+    he surprised <i>Mr. Tupman</i> and <i>Aunt Rachel</i> in the
+    arbour, or when he pinched <i>Mr. Pickwick's</i> leg in order
+    to attract his attention. But, after all, <i>Ivanhoe</i> and
+    <i>Rowena</i>, as THACKERAY remarked, are a poor namby-pamby
+    pair, and the real heroine is <i>Rebecca</i>. The Opera ends
+    with a "Rebecca Riot." Every one wishes success to the new
+    venture.</p>
+
+    <p>As to the Music,&mdash;well, I am not a musician, and in any
+    new Opera when there is no one tuneful phrase as in <i>Aïda</i>
+    or <i>Tannhäuser</i>, which, at the very first hearing, anyone
+    with half an ear can straightway catch, and reproduce next day
+    till everyone about him cries, "Oh don't!" and when, as in this
+    instance, the conducting-composer, Wagnerianly, will not permit
+    <i>encores</i>&mdash;where am I? Nowhere. I return home in
+    common time, but tuneless. On the other hand, besides being
+    certain that <i>Friar Tuck's</i> jovial song will "catch on," I
+    must record the complete satisfaction with which I heard the
+    substantial whack on the drum so descriptive of <i>Sir Brian de
+    Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan's</i> heavy fall "at the ropes."
+    This last effect, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page77"
+       id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span> being as novel as it is
+       effective, attracted the attention of the wily and observant
+       DRURIOLANUS, who mentally booked the effect as something
+       startlingly new and original for his next Pantomime. The
+       combat between the Saxon Slogger, very much out of training,
+       and the Norman Nobbler, rather over-trained as the result
+       proved, is decidedly exciting, and the Nobbler would be
+       backed at long odds. Altogether, the whole show was
+       thoroughly appreciated by WAMBA JUNIOR.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. I.&mdash;THE CLASSICAL SCHOLAR IN REDUCED
+    CIRCUMSTANCES.</h3>
+
+    <p>You are, let us say, a young professional man in chambers or
+    offices, incompetently guarded by an idiot boy whom you dare
+    not trust with the responsibility of denying you to strangers.
+    You hear a knock at your outer door, followed by conversation
+    in the clerk's room, after which your salaried idiot announces,
+    "A Gentleman to see you." Enter a dingy and dismal little man
+    in threadbare black, who advances with an air of mysterious
+    importance. "I think," he begins, "I 'ave the pleasure of
+    speaking to Mr.&mdash;&mdash;" (<i>whatever your name is</i>.)
+    "I take the liberty of calling, Mr.&mdash;&mdash;, to consult
+    you on a matter of the utmost importance, and I shall feel
+    personally obliged if you will take precautions for our
+    conversation not being over'eard."</p>
+
+    <p>He looks grubby for a client&mdash;but appearances are
+    deceptive, and you offer him a seat, assuring him that he may
+    speak with perfect security&mdash;whereupon he proceeds in a
+    lowered voice.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:18%;">
+        <a href="images/77-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/77-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"The story I am about to reveal," he says, smoothing a slimy
+    tall hat, "is of a nature so revolting, so 'orrible in its
+    details, that I can 'ardly bring myself to speak it to any
+    'uming ear!" (<i>Here you will probably prepare to take
+    notes.</i>) "You see before you one who is of 'igh birth but
+    low circumstances!" (<i>At this, you give him up as a possible
+    client, but a mixture of diffidence and curiosity compels you
+    to listen.</i>) "Yes, Sir, I was '<i>fruges consumeary
+    nati</i>.' I 'ave received a neducation more befitting a dook
+    than my present condition. Nursed in the lap of haffluence, I
+    was trained to fill the lofty position which was to have been
+    my lot. But '<i>necessitas</i>,' Sir, as you are aware,
+    '<i>necessitas non abat lejim</i>,' and such I found it. While
+    still receiving a classical education at Cambridge
+    College&mdash;(praps you are yourself an alumbus of <i>Halma
+    Mater</i>? No? I apologise, Sir, I'm sure)&mdash;but while
+    preparing to take my honorary degree, my Father suddenly
+    enounced, the horful news that he was a bankrup'. Strip of all
+    we possessed, we were turned out of our sumchuous 'ome upon the
+    cold world, my Father's grey 'airs were brought down sorrowing
+    to sangwidge boards, though he is still sangwin of paying off
+    his creditors in time out of what he can put by from his scanty
+    hearnings. My poor dear Mother&mdash;a lady born and
+    bred&mdash;sank by slow degrees to a cawfy-stall, which is now
+    morgidged to the 'ilt, and my eldest Sister, a lovely and
+    accomplished gairl, was artlessly thrown over by a nobleman, to
+    'oom she was engaged to be married, before our reverses
+    overtook us. His name the delikit hinstinks of a gentleman will
+    forbid you to inquire, as likewise me to mention&mdash;enough
+    to 'int that he occupies a prominent position amongst the
+    hupper circles of Society, and is frequently to be met with in
+    the papers. His faithlessness preyed on my Sister's mind to
+    that degree, that she is now in the Asylum, a nopeless maniac!
+    My honely Brother was withdrawn from 'Arrow, and now 'as the
+    yumiliation of selling penny toys on the kerbstone to his
+    former playfellers. '<i>Tantee nannymice salestibus hiræ</i>,'
+    indeed, Sir!</p>
+
+    <p>"But you ask what befell myself." (<i>You have not&mdash;for
+    the simple reason that, even if you desired information, he has
+    given you no chance, as yet, of putting in a word.</i>) "Ah,
+    Sir, there you 'ave me on a tender point. '<i>Hakew
+    tetigisti</i>,' if I may venture once more upon a scholarly
+    illusion. But I 'ave resolved to conceal nothing&mdash;and you
+    shall 'ear. For a time I obtained employment as Seckertary and
+    Imanuensis to a young baranit, 'oo had been the bosom friend of
+    my College days. He would, I know, have used his influence with
+    Government to obtain me a lucritive post; but, alas, 'ere he
+    could do so, unaired sheets, coupled with deliket 'elth, took
+    him off premature, and I was once more thrown on my own
+    resources.</p>
+
+    <p>"In conclusion, Sir, you 'ave doubtless done me the
+    hinjustice to expect, from all I 'ave said, that my hobjick in
+    obtaining this interview was to ask you for pecuniary
+    assistance?" (<i>Here you reflect with remorse that a suspicion
+    to this effect has certainly crossed your mind</i>). "Nothing
+    of the sort or kind, I do assure you. A little 'uming sympathy,
+    the relief of pouring out my sorrers upon a feeling art, a few
+    kind encouraging words, is all I arsk, and that, Sir, the first
+    sight of your kind friendly face told me I should not lack.
+    Pore as I am, I still 'ave my pride, the pride of a English
+    gentleman, and if you was to orfer me a sovereign as you sit
+    there, I should fling it in the fire&mdash;ah, I
+    <i>should</i>&mdash;'urt and indignant at the hinsult!"
+    (<i>Here you will probably assure him that you have no
+    intention of outraging his feelings in any such manner.</i>)
+    "No, and <i>why</i>, Sir? Because you 'ave a gentlemanly 'art,
+    and if you were to make sech a orfer, you would do it in a
+    kindly Christian spirit which would rob it of all offence.
+    There's not many as I would bring myself to accept a paltry
+    sovereign from, but I dunno&mdash;I might from one like
+    yourself&mdash;I <i>might Ord hignara mali, miseris succurreary
+    disco</i>, as the old philosopher says. You 'ave that kind of
+    <i>way</i> with you." (<i>You mildly intimate that he is
+    mistaken here, and take the opportunity of touching the
+    bell</i>). "No, Sir, don't be untrue to your better himpulses.
+    <i>'Ave</i> a feelin 'art, Sir! Don't send me away, after
+    allowing me to waste my time 'ere&mdash;which is of value <i>to
+    me</i>, let me tell yer, whatever <i>yours</i> is!&mdash;like
+    this!... Well, well, there's 'ard people in this world? I'm
+    <i>going</i>, Sir ... I 'ave sufficient dignity to take a 'int
+    ... You 'aven't got even a trifle to spare an old University
+    Scholar in redooced circumstances then?... Ah, it's easy to see
+    you ain't been at a University yourself&mdash;you ain't got the
+    <i>hair</i> of it! Farewell, Sir, and may your lot in life be
+    'appier than&mdash;All right, don't <i>hexcite</i> yourself.
+    I've bin mistook in yer, that's all. I thought you was as
+    soft-edded a young mug as you look. Open that door, will yer; I
+    want to get out of this 'ole!"</p>
+
+    <p>Here he leaves you with every indication of disgust and
+    disappointment, and you will probably hear him indulging in
+    unclassical vituperation on the landing.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/77-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/77-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The Baron is delighted with MONTAGU WILLIAMS's third volume
+    of <i>Reminiscences</i>, published by MACMILLAN &amp; Co. His
+    cheery after-dinner conversational style of telling capital
+    stories is excellent. He is not writing a book, he is talking
+    to us; he is telling us a series of good things, and, quoth the
+    Baron, let me advise you to light your cigar and sit down in
+    your armchair before the fire, as not only do you not wish to
+    interrupt him, even with a query, but you feel inclined to say,
+    as the children do when, seated round you in the wintry
+    twilight, they have been listening to a story which has deeply
+    interested them&mdash;"Go on, please, tell us another!" The
+    following interpolated "aside," most characteristic of MONTAGU
+    WILLIAMS's life-like conversational manner of telling a story,
+    occurs at page 8, where giving an account of a robbery, of
+    which he himself was the victim, and telling how a thief asked
+    to be shown up to his, the narrator's room, he says, "The
+    porter, like a fool, gave his consent." The interpolated
+    "<i>like a fool</i>," carries the jury, tells the whole story,
+    and wins admiration for the sufferer, who is the real hero of
+    the tale. But beyond the book's merit as an interesting and
+    amusing companion, it contains some valuable practical
+    suggestions for relieving the ordinary distress in the poorest
+    districts which ought to receive attention in the highest
+    quarters.</p>
+
+    <p>To some readers interested in theatrical life, <i>Polly
+    Mountemple</i> must prove an interesting work of fiction, if a
+    story can be so styled which, as its author assures his readers
+    with his latest breath, I should say in his last paragraph (p.
+    291), "Is a true tale." It is the story of a "ballet lady" who
+    rises in "the profession" to the dignity of a speaking part,
+    and is on the point of being raised still higher in the social
+    scale, and becoming the wife of a real live young nobleman,
+    when she sensibly accepts a considerable sum of money, consents
+    to forego her action for breach of promise, and finally marries
+    a highly respectable acrobat, and becomes the landlady of the
+    "Man of Kent." The earlier portion is entertaining, especially
+    to those who are not altogether ignorant of some of the
+    personages, sketches of whom are drawn by the author, Mr.
+    CHARLES HOLLIS, with, it is not improbable, considerable
+    fidelity. They are rough sketches, not by any means highly
+    finished, but then such was the character of the original
+    models. Before, however, it can be accepted by the general
+    public as giving an unexaggerated picture of a certain sort of
+    stage-life, it ought to have the <i>imprimatur</i> or the
+    <i>nihil obstat</i> of some generally acknowledged head of the
+    profession; for "the profession" is Hydra-like in this
+    respect&mdash;a republican creation, with many heads.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page78"
+       id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/78.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/78.png"
+             alt="ENCOURAGEMENT." /></a>
+
+        <h3>ENCOURAGEMENT.</h3><i>Professional Golfer</i> (<i>in
+        answer to anxious question</i>). "WEEL, NO, SIR, AT YOUR
+        TIME O' LIFE, YE CAN NEVER HOPE TO BECOME A <i>PLAYER</i>;
+        BUT IF YE PRACTISE HARD FOR THREE YEARS, YE MAY BE ABLE TO
+        TELL GOOD PLAY FROM BAD WHEN YE SEE IT!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE "PAPER-CHASE."</h2>
+
+    <p><i>The Hare (with many financial friends)
+    loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Here goes! 'Tis a rather new line&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But that is no very great matter.</p>
+
+            <p>If they've faith in a lead, 'tis in mine,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So a tentative trail let me scatter,</p>
+
+            <p>The old track of country this time I'll forsake;</p>
+
+            <p>I trust they'll not think I have made a mistake?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That old line of country they know,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Across it for years they've been
+            rangers,</p>
+
+            <p>All right, when the going is slow,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When 'tis fast, are they fly to its
+            dangers?</p>
+
+            <p>For Hares to raise scares 'midst the Hounds were
+            improper,</p>
+
+            <p>But how if the pack come a general cropper?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Remarkably near it last time,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though some of 'em didn't suspect it;</p>
+
+            <p>But <i>I</i> spy the peril! 'Twere crime</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If I did not help them to detect it.</p>
+
+            <p>If they don't like my trail they must give me the
+            sack;</p>
+
+            <p>I'd rather be bullied than break up the pack.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>They fancy I'll keep the old course,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">There or thereabout. But I've a
+            notion!</p>
+
+            <p>They'll grumble perhaps, with some force,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But they're not going to flurry G.
+            GOSCHEN.</p>
+
+            <p>Of this havresack there have been some smart
+            carriers&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>I'll make 'em sit up, though, the L.S.D.
+            Harriers!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I love 'em, each supple-shanked lad,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Most as much as&mdash;Statistics. To
+            trudge it</p>
+
+            <p>For <i>them</i> makes my bosom as glad</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As&mdash;Big Surplus, and Popular
+            Budget;</p>
+
+            <p>And so I should like to secure them a run,</p>
+
+            <p>Combining snug safety with plenty of fun.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I don't wont to lessen their speed,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I don't want to hamper their daring;</p>
+
+            <p>But rashness won't always succeed&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Just ask that smart runner, young
+            B-R-NG!</p>
+
+            <p>And that's why I'm trying to strike a new line</p>
+
+            <p>For our Paper-Chase&mdash;catting the "Paper" up
+            fine.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I scatter it wide. Will it float?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of course for awhile there's no
+            knowing;</p>
+
+            <p>But I shall be able to note,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By the sequel, <i>which way the wind's
+            blowing</i>.</p>
+
+            <p>There! Look like white-birds, or banknotes, in full
+            flight.</p>
+
+            <p>Now, lads, double up! There's not one yet in
+            sight!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Of course I'm ahead of my field,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As a Hare worth his salt ever should
+            be.</p>
+
+            <p>My Hounds, though, are mostly spring-heeled.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Eh? Funk it? I don't think that could
+            be!</p>
+
+            <p>The L.S.D. Harriers' lick others hollow</p>
+
+            <p>For pluck and for pace. There's the
+            trail,&mdash;<i>will they follow</i>?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST."&mdash;You need not go to Holland
+    to see the Hague. You may find it&mdash;him we mean&mdash;at
+    DOWDESWELL's Gallery. Here you can revel in a good fit of the
+    Hague without shivering. Indeed, Mr. ANDERSON HAGUE, judging
+    from his pictures of North Cambria, seems to be very fit, and
+    therefore, he may be called an HAGUE-fit.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A CAN(NES)DID CONFESSION.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a Suffering Angelina.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You write to me, sweetest, with envy</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of "zephyrs" and "summerlike stars;"</p>
+
+            <p>You say women, horses, and men vie</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In chorus of croups and catarrhs;</p>
+
+            <p>You picture me safe from the snarling</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of Winter's tyrannical sway.</p>
+
+            <p>This isn't, believe me, my darling,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Mediterranean way.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You rave of the "shimmering light on</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An ocean pellucidly fair."</p>
+
+            <p>You get it, my darling, at Brighton,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And coals that can warm you are
+            <i>there</i>:</p>
+
+            <p>Of "boughs with hot oranges breaking"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Cold comfort, while fortunes we pay</p>
+
+            <p>For faggots that mock us in making</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Their Mediterranean way!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You dream of me rapt by a casement</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mimosa caresses and rose;</p>
+
+            <p><i>This</i> window was surely the place meant</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For mistral to buffet my nose.</p>
+
+            <p>Of tennis and dances and drums in</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"That Eden for Eves"&mdash;did you
+            say?</p>
+
+            <p>Apt phrase! Nothing masculine comes in</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Our Mediterranean way.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And "Esterel's amethyst ranges</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of gossamer shapes"&mdash;and the
+            rest.</p>
+
+            <p>Good gracious, how scenery changes!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They too have a cold on their chest.</p>
+
+            <p>At "delicate lungs," dear, and so on</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No more for this climate I'll play,</p>
+
+            <p>But homeward in ecstasy go on</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My Mediterranean way.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page79"
+       id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/79.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/79.png"
+             alt="THE 'PAPER-CHASE.'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE "PAPER-CHASE."</h3>RIGHT HON. GEO. J. G-SCH-N
+        (<i>the Hare</i>). "WONDER WHETHER THEY'LL FOLLOW?"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page81"
+       id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/81.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/81.png"
+             alt="THE OYSTERS AT WHITSTABLE FROZEN IN THEIR BEDS!" />
+             </a>
+
+        <h3>THE OYSTERS AT WHITSTABLE FROZEN IN THEIR
+        BEDS!</h3>(<i>See Daily Papers</i>.)
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE OLD WOMAN AND HER WATER SUPPLY.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>An Old Nursery Rhyme with a new burden.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>There was an old Woman, as I've heard say,</p>
+
+            <p>The frost froze her water-pipes fast one day;</p>
+
+            <p>The frost froze her water-pipes fast at first,</p>
+
+            <p>Till a thaw came at last, and the water-pipes
+            burst.</p>
+
+            <p>By came the Company, greedy of gain,</p>
+
+            <p>And it cut her water all off at the main,</p>
+
+            <p>It cut her water off sharp, if you please,</p>
+
+            <p>Though it wasn't <i>her</i> fault that the pipes
+            began to freeze.</p>
+
+            <p>It wasn't <i>her</i> fault that the water-pipes
+            burst.</p>
+
+            <p>So she had no water for cleansing or thirst,</p>
+
+            <p>She had no water, and she began to cry,</p>
+
+            <p>"Oh, what a cruel buzzum has a Water Company</p>
+
+            <p>But I'll repair the pipes, since so it must be,</p>
+
+            <p>And the plumber, I'm aware, will make pickings out
+            of me.</p>
+
+            <p>If there's a frost I've no water for my pail,</p>
+
+            <p>And if there's a thaw then the rate-collectors
+            rail."</p>
+
+            <p>On Law the old Woman is entirely in the dark;</p>
+
+            <p>There seems no one to save her from the fresh-water
+            shark;</p>
+
+            <p>The shark does what he likes, and she can only
+            cry,</p>
+
+            <p>"Who'll help a poor old Woman 'gainst the Water
+            Company?"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>MOI-MEM.</h3>
+
+    <p>"<i>Moi-Même</i>," in the course of his pleasant
+    <i>Worldly</i> wanderings among things in general, observes,
+    <i>à propos</i> of the younger COQUELIN's suggestion about
+    lectures by professors of the Dramatic Art to youthful
+    students, "One can scarcely fancy a more humorous sight than
+    Mr. TOOLE giving a professional lecture to dramatic aspirants,
+    telling them when to wink, when to wheeze, when to ''scuse his
+    glove,'" &amp;c. Now it so happens that when this same idea was
+    first started&mdash;or perhaps revived&mdash;some eleven years
+    ago, Professor TOOLE's Lecture to Students of the Dramatic Art
+    was given in <i>Mr. Punch's</i> pages. The lecture, one of a
+    series supposed to be given by various actors, will be found in
+    Vol. LXXVIII., page 93. It appeared on the 28th of February,
+    1880.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Note by a Nomad.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>SMITH, of Coalville, imagines that Civilised Man</p>
+
+            <p>Falls too much to the rear if he lives in a Van;</p>
+
+            <p>But Caravan-dwellers, with force and urbanity,</p>
+
+            <p>Declare that SMITH's views of Van life are pure
+            vanity!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE HIGHEST EDUCATION;</h2>
+
+    <h3><i>Or, what is looming a-head.</i></h3>
+
+    <p>A Deputation on behalf of the Exasperated Ratepayers'
+    Association waited yesterday afternoon on the Chairman of the
+    London School Board at their new and commodious palatial
+    premises erected on the vast central site recently cleared,
+    regardless of expense, for that purpose in Piccadilly, and
+    presented a further protest against the ever-increasing
+    expenditure indulged in by that body. The Chairman, smilingly
+    intimating that he would hear what the Deputation had to say,
+    though he added, amidst the ill-suppressed merriment of his
+    <i>confrères</i>, he supposed it was the old sing-song protest,
+    possibly on this occasion because they had recently directed
+    that the boys attending the schools of the Board should come in
+    "Eton" suits, the cost of which naturally fell upon the rates,
+    or some captious objection of that kind, which it really was a
+    waste of breath to discuss. However, whatever it was, he added,
+    he was willing to hear it.</p>
+
+    <p>The Spokesman of the Deputation, a Duke in reduced
+    circumstances, who ascribed his ruin to the heavy rates he had
+    been called upon to pay through the extravagance of the Board,
+    and who declined to give his name, said that though they had
+    not thought the Eton suits a necessity, still it was not
+    against them that they had to protest. It was the addition of
+    Astronomy involving the erection (with fitting first-class
+    instruments) of 341 observatories in the London district alone,
+    Chinese, taught by 500 native Professors imported from Pekin
+    for the purpose, horse-riding, yachting, and the church organ
+    (these last two being compulsory), together with the use of the
+    tricycle, type-writer, and phonograph, all of which instruments
+    were provided for every single pupil at the expense of the
+    ratepayers, to the curriculum of all those pupils who were
+    fitted for the third standard. The speaker said he knew that it
+    had long been settled that the finest and most comprehensive
+    education that our advanced civilisation could supply should be
+    provided for the submerged half of the population, and they
+    could not grumble at these things, but what they did not
+    consider necessary was, that a salary should be forthcoming for
+    each pupil-teacher sufficient to enable him or her to drive
+    down to the schools in their own carriage and pair. (<i>Much
+    laughter.</i>) He did not think it a laughing matter. He would
+    strongly suggest a diminution of at least £1000 a-year in the
+    salaries of these overpaid officials.</p>
+
+    <p>The Chairman here asked the speaker if he had considered
+    that "descending" from a carriage was necessarily connected
+    with the teaching of Deportment, on which the Board set great
+    value? Was he not aware that some great man had said, wishing
+    to give Deportment its proper weight as an educational factor,
+    that the Battle of Waterloo (at least he thought he was quoting
+    correctly) was won at Almacks? (<i>Renewed laughter.</i>)
+    Anyhow, he did not consider that £2,500 a-year, and a house in
+    Mayfair, was at all an excessive remuneration for a
+    School-Board teacher, as measured by the Board's standard. He
+    thought, if that was all the Deputation had to urge, that they
+    might have saved themselves the trouble their protest had cost
+    them.</p>
+
+    <p>The Spokesman having for a few moments consulted with his
+    colleagues, hereupon turned to the Chairman, and delivering
+    with fearful emphasis the customary curse on the School Board,
+    its Chairman, and all its belongings, at the same time thanking
+    the Chairman for his courteous reception of the Deputation,
+    silently and sulkily withdrew.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>DRURIOLANUS AND DANCING.&mdash;The Fancy Dress
+    Ball&mdash;not a "Ball Marsky"&mdash;at Covent Garden, last
+    Tuesday week, was a great success, on which DRURIOLANUS
+    FORTUNATUS is hereby congratulated. There is to be a similar
+    festivity, to celebrate <i>Mi-Carême</i>. Quite appropriate
+    this date, when the season is half Lent, and the costumes
+    almost all borrowed.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82"
+       id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/82.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/82.png"
+             alt="AN APPEAL CASE, HOUSE OF LORDS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>AN APPEAL CASE, HOUSE OF LORDS.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page83"
+       id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span>
+
+    <h2>TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already
+        mortgaged. In 1892 you may count upon me."&mdash;Mr.
+        KIPLING <i>to Magazine Editor, who wished to secure him as
+        a Contributor</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, happy man! for whom this world of ours</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is but a ceaseless round of milk and
+            honey,</p>
+
+            <p>Who use your wondrous word-compelling powers</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For us in telling tales (and making
+            money),</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>How you must laugh to rake the dollars in,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The publishers&mdash;how badly you must
+            bleed them;</p>
+
+            <p>Your tales <i>are</i> good, but yet, ere you
+            begin</p>
+
+            <p>On more, just think of us who've got to read
+            them.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It frightens us to hear your Ninety-One</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is mortgaged&mdash;for the prospect's
+            <i>not</i> inviting,</p>
+
+            <p>To think of all that may and will be done,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If, through the present year you ne'er
+            cease writing!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>With bated breath we ask, and humble mien&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We realise how far we come behind
+            you&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>That you will leave <i>one</i> remnant Magazine</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In which we may be sure we shall not find
+            you.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then will your RUDYARD name with joy be hailed,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And yours will be a never-fading
+            glory,</p>
+
+            <p>If, when you're asked to write a <i>Light that
+            Failed</i>,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You merely tell us, "That's another
+            story."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>AN UPPER NOTE.</h2>
+
+    <p>Sir,&mdash;I mustn't interfere with the diary of TOBY, M.P.
+    But, as he is not reported as being in the Upper House on this
+    particular occasion, I cannot help drawing general attention to
+    the dispatch of business among the Lords on Thursday last. I
+    quote from the Parliamentary Report in the <i>Daily
+    Telegraph</i>, which informed us that</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The LORD CHANCELLOR took his seat on the Woolsack at a
+        quarter-past four o'clock."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Then in came "A New Spiritual Peer." Awful! It sounds like
+    an apparition in a blood-curdling ghost-story. Where was LIKA
+    JOKO with his pencil? Well, "the new Spiritual Peer took his
+    oath and his seat"&mdash;why wasn't he called upon for his
+    toast and sentiment?&mdash;and then&mdash;what happened? Did
+    their Lordships stay to have a friendly chat with the
+    new-comer? No, not a bit of it; for the report says,</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Their Lordships rose at twenty-five minutes to five
+        o'clock."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>So that, in effect, as soon as the new boy came in, and
+    seated himself, all the old boys went out. There's manners for
+    you! And this in the Upper House, too!! Yours truly, THE
+    MARQUIZ.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/83-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/83-1.png"
+             alt="UNREGENERATE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>UNREGENERATE.</h3>
+
+        <p>"ONLY THINK HOW DELIGHTFUL, BOBBIE! THEY'VE DISCOVERED,
+        IN MANUSCRIPT, AN ENTIRELY NEW WORK BY ARISTOTLE, AND
+        THEY'RE GOING TO PUBLISH IT!"</p>
+
+        <p>"REALLY, MAMMIE? THEN ALL I CAN SAY IS, I'M PRECIOUS
+        GLAD I'VE LEFT SCHOOL FOR GOOD!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/83-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/83-2.png"
+             alt="The Rollit Albert that gathered Three Bills into the Statute Book." />
+        </a>The Rollit Albert that gathered Three Bills into the
+        Statute Book.
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday Night, Feb.</i> 2.&mdash;"I do
+    not," said OLD MORALITY, a cloud of disappointment settling on
+    his massive brow, "know any case where, comparatively late in
+    life, after a blameless career, depravity has so suddenly
+    broken out in a man as it has with SYDNEY GEDGE. It is true,
+    that upon occasion GEDGE has not given entire satisfaction to
+    our friends opposite. They hold the opinion that his incursions
+    in debate have been inopportune, and, in short, unnecessary;
+    but that is their affair. We have had no ground for complaint.
+    GEDGE has always voted straight, has appropriately filled up a
+    dull half-hour when we had to keep a Debate going, and at all
+    times he has invested our side of the House with a certain
+    <i>je ne sais quoi</i> of dignity, combined with profound
+    wisdom. And now to go and break out in this unexpected manner!
+    It is incomprehensible,&mdash;would be, if I had not seen him
+    with my own organs of vision, incredible. We must make GEDGE a
+    Peer, or a County Court Judge."</p>
+
+    <p>OLD MORALITY's discomposure not unwarranted. GEDGE certainly
+    made our flesh creep to-night. Of all things in the world, it
+    came about on the Tithes Bill. In Committee all night; Sir JOHN
+    SWINBURNE spoken several times; HARCOURT, leading Opposition,
+    made several efforts to inspire proceedings with a little life,
+    but not to be done. Bill rapidly slipping through; Amendments
+    to Clauses all disposed of; a few new ones on paper. Of course
+    not slightest chance of being added to Bill. One by one moved;
+    Minister objected; Clause negatived; and there an end of it.
+    Twelve o'clock close at hand; on stroke of Midnight, Debate
+    must be adjourned; still plenty of time to get the Bill through
+    Committee. Everything out of the way except new Clause in name
+    of SYDNEY GEDGE. But GEDGE loyal Ministerialist; not likely
+    <i>he</i> would interfere with arrangements, and endanger
+    progress of Bill. HICKS-BEACH, in charge of measure, kept his
+    eye on the clock; three minutes to Twelve; running it pretty
+    close, but just time to get Bill through. GEDGE on his feet;
+    quite unnecessary; needn't stand up to say he would not move
+    his Clause; if he had simply lifted his hat when Chairman
+    called his name it would be understood that he had sacrificed
+    his Clause. Dangerous this, dallying on stroke of Midnight.</p>
+
+    <p>To his horror, HICKS-BEACH heard GEDGE beginning to describe
+    purport of his new Clause. Was going to move it then? Yes.
+    After moment's horrified pause, Ministerialists broke into
+    angry cries of, "Divide!" Opposition convulsed with laughter;
+    HICKS-BEACH pale and stern, and stony silent; SYDNEY GEDGE
+    flushed, conversational, dogged. Even if Tithes Bill were lost
+    he would explain the bearing of his new Clause. Scene
+    increasing in hilarity; lasted three minutes: then Midnight
+    sounded, and SYDNEY sat down, surprised to find he had talked
+    out the Tithes Bill.</p>
+
+    <p>"You might have knocked me down with a feather," said ALBERT
+    ROLLIT, who, before opening his lips, had observed the
+    precaution of propping himself up against the wall. "GEDGE, of
+    all men, to <span class="pagenum"><a name="page84"
+       id="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span> spoil the Ministerial plan,
+       and imperil their arrangements for the week! It's all
+       COURTNEY's fault. Since GEDGE tasted COURTNEY's blood, on
+       the night he interrupted his speech by chatting in the Chair
+       with HERBERT GARDNER, GEDGE has never been the same man.
+       There's no knowing to what lengths he may not go."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;SYDNEY GEDGE broken out again
+    worse than ever.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;MARJORIBANKS rather depressed as he
+    rose to move his Resolution for appointment of Royal Commission
+    on New Magazine Rifle. Had hoped to appear under very different
+    circumstances. Meant quite to put in the shade LYON PLAYFAIR's
+    historic lecture on Margarine, when he had the tables covered
+    with pots of that substance, with penny loaves and small knives
+    for Members to sample withal. For weeks MARJORIBANKS been
+    preparing for occasion. Had possessed himself of quite an
+    armoury of rifles: intended to bring them into the House and
+    illustrate his lecture with practical experiments. The climax
+    was to be the shooting-off scene. BOBBY SPENCER and ANSTRUTHER
+    on in this. BOBBY standing at the Bar with an apple held on
+    palm of extended right hand; MARJORIBANKS, using Martini-Henry
+    Rifle, was to clear the apple off, leaving BOBBY's hair
+    unsinged, and not a wrinkle added to his collar. ANSTRUTHER was
+    next to stand in the same place, braving the fire of the
+    Magazine Rifle. But he didn't have an apple, as it was arranged
+    that the new arm should jam.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:18%;">
+        <a href="images/84-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/84-1.png"
+             alt="Standing Fire." /></a>Standing Fire.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Suppose it doesn't?" ANSTRUTHER inquired, when MARJORIBANKS
+    first unfolded his scheme.</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, that'll be all right," said MARJORIBANKS, cheerily.</p>
+
+    <p>Long practice on the Terrace made the arrangements perfect,
+    when they were suddenly upset by interference from unexpected
+    quarter. The SPEAKER, wondering what all this rifle-popping
+    was, came to hear of the project; at once said it wouldn't do;
+    no arms of any kind admitted in House of Commons, except the
+    sword worn by SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, and once a year the lethal
+    weapons carried by the Naval or Military gentlemen who move and
+    second Address. BOBBY SPENCER rather glad, I fancy; ANSTRUTHER
+    not inconsolable. But MARJORIBANKS distinctly depressed.</p>
+
+    <p>"Not often I occupy time of House," he said. "We Whips make
+    Houses, and you empty them. DUFF&mdash;and he's not a Whip
+    now&mdash;made all the running with his orations on the herring
+    brand. Thought I would make a hit this time."</p>
+
+    <p>"I was a little afraid of it too," said ANSTRUTHER.</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, you were all right," said MARJORIBANKS; "the New
+    Magazine Rifle will not fire unless, after first shot, you
+    clean it out with an oily rag, and I was going to take precious
+    good care to forget the rag. You've no public spirit,
+    ANSTRUTHER, since you left us to help WOLMER to whip up
+    Dissentients."</p>
+
+    <p>No appeal from SPEAKER's ruling. MARJORIBANKS had to make
+    the best of botched business. Brought to the table a spring
+    snap-extractor, a bolt-head screw, and some other odds and
+    ends; poor substitute for what he had intended. Still made out
+    admirable case, Government mustering majority of only 34
+    against Motion.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/84-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/84-2.png"
+             alt="Grandolph's Latest Achievement." />
+             </a>Grandolph's Latest Achievement.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Just before Midnight, Tithes Bill reached; GEDGE's Amendment
+    still blocked the way; Chairman called aloud, "Mr. GEDGE!" no
+    answer; place empty. Whilst Members whispering inquiry, Bill
+    passed through Committee, and Ministers triumphed. That's all
+    very well, but where's GEDGE? CORB, who is developing quite
+    unsuspected gifts in the Amateur-detective line, intends to
+    take this matter up when he has settled the affair of the
+    Coroner at the BEDFORD inquest.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Tithe Bill through Committee.
+    Mysterious disappearance of SYDNEY GEDGE.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday Night</i>.&mdash;GRAHDOLPH back again, bringing
+    his sheaves&mdash;I mean his beard&mdash;with him. Hardly knew
+    him at first. No such beard been seen in House since MACFARLANE
+    left us. Not quite the same colour; but GRANDOLPH could give a
+    handful to MACFARLANE, and win.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," he said, when I complimented him on so magnificent a
+    result achieved in comparatively short time, "when I do a
+    thing, I like to do it well. Little awkward at first, you know,
+    specially on a windy day; tendency to get between your knees,
+    or wrap itself round your neck. But we're growing used to each
+    other, and shall get on nicely by-and-by."</p>
+
+    <p>More of Tithes Bill. Drearier than ever, now GEDGE's place
+    is empty. <i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Report Stage of Tithes
+    Bill.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;Conversation as to course of public
+    business. OLD MORALITY regrets Tithes Bill not through
+    Reporting stage yet. Down on the paper for to-night, but didn't
+    think there would be much chance of reaching it. So put it down
+    for Monday. If not got through then, must be taken on Thursday,
+    and JOHN MORLEY's Resolution on Crimes Act shunted along
+    indefinitely. Much regretted this; duty to Queen and Country,
+    &amp;c.; but no one had yet discovered the secret of inclosing
+    a quart of fluid matter in a glass receptacle not exceeding the
+    capacity of one pint.</p>
+
+    <p>Members thus informed that Tithes Bill was taken off
+    <i>agenda</i> for to-night, went off; House emptied; and when,
+    at quarter-past Seven, CONYBEARE rose to discuss Mining
+    Royalties, was Counted Out.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, bless me!" cried OLD MORALITY, aghast at the news,
+    "here's a sitting practically wasted, and we might have used it
+    for the Tithes Bill." <i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Motion to
+    abolish Livery Franchise negatived by 148 votes against
+    120.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ST. VALENTINE'S EVE.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>The outside of a small fancy-stationer's
+        in a back-street. The windows are plastered with
+        highly-coloured caricatures, designed to convey the
+        anonymous amenities prescribed by poetic tradition at this
+        Season of the Year. A small crowd is inspecting these works
+        of Art and Literature with hearty approval.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>First Artisan</i>. See this 'ere, BILL? (<i>He spells out
+    with a slow relish.</i>)</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"With yer crawlin,' lick-spittle carneyin' ways,</p>
+
+            <p>Yo think very likely bein' a nippercrit'll pay!</p>
+
+            <p>Still some day it's certain you'll be found out at
+            lorst</p>
+
+            <p>As a cringin', sloimy, snoike in the grorss!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Why, it might ha' been wrote a-purpose for that there little
+    cantin' beggar up at our shop&mdash;blowed if it mightn't!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Artisan</i>. Young MEALY, yer mean? But that's
+    cawmplimentry&mdash;for <i>him</i>&mdash;that is!</p>
+
+    <p><i>First A.</i> But yer see the ideer of it. They've drawed
+    im a snoike, all 'cept 'is 'ed, d'ye see? That's why they've
+    wrote "Snoike in the Grorss," underneath. Hor-hor! they must be
+    smart chaps to think o' sech things as that 'ere, eh? [<i>They
+    move on.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>First Servant Girl</i> (<i>reading</i>)&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Two squintin' boss-heyes, and 'air all
+            foiry-red.</p>
+
+            <p>You surely can't ever expect to be wed?</p>
+
+            <p>Yer nose shows plain you've took to gin.</p>
+
+            <p><i>You</i>'re a nice party for a wedding-ring!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I've 'arf a mind to go in and git one o' them to send
+    Missis.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second S.G.</i> (<i>in service elsewhere</i>). Oh, I
+    <i>would</i>! Go in, SALLY, quick. I can lend yer a ap'ny
+    towards it.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sally</i> (<i>meditatively</i>). <i>I</i>'d do
+    it&mdash;on'y she'd guess 'ood sent it her!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second S.G.</i> <i>Let</i> 'er. You can stick 'er out it
+    wasn't <i>you</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sally</i>. I could, O' course&mdash;but it wouldn't be no
+    use, she'd tell the 'andwriting on the hongvelope!
+    (<i>Gloomily.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second S.G.</i> Oh, if that's all, <i>I'll</i> direct it
+    for yer. Come on, SALLY; it will be sech a lark, and then you
+    can tell me all about what she said arterwards! [<i>They enter
+    the shop.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>First Young Person in hat and feathers</i>
+    (<i>reading</i>)&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"The female 'art you think you'll mash,</p>
+
+            <p>By sporting stick-up collars and a la-di-da
+            moustache.</p>
+
+            <p>But I tell you straight it'll be a long time</p>
+
+            <p>Before I take you to be <i>my</i> Valentine!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I do wonder what CHORLEY 'AWKINS would say if I sent him one
+    of them.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Y.P.</i> But I thought you told me CHORLEY 'AWKINS
+    never took no notice of you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>First Y.P.</i> No more he does&mdash;but p'raps this 'ud
+    <i>make</i> him!</p>
+
+    <p><i>A Young Woman</i> (<i>who has fallen out with her
+    fiancé</i>). They ain't <i>arf</i> Valentines this year, I wish
+    I could come across one with 'orns and a tail!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Elder Sister</i> (<i>to small Brother&mdash;in a moral
+    tone</i>). <i>Now</i>, JIMMY, you see what comes o'
+    Book-learnin'. If you 'adn't gone to the Board School so
+    regular, you wouldn't ha' been able to read all the potry on
+    the Valentines like you can now, <i>would</i> yer now?</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100. February 14, 1891., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 13252-h.htm or 13252-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/5/13252/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/73.png b/old/13252-h/images/73.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c4b0135
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/73.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/74.png b/old/13252-h/images/74.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2e4d23e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/74.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/75.png b/old/13252-h/images/75.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8769369
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/75.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/76-1.png b/old/13252-h/images/76-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..94e6d82
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/76-1.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/76-2.png b/old/13252-h/images/76-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d40aeb3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/76-2.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/76-3.png b/old/13252-h/images/76-3.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b8e8f89
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/76-3.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/77-1.png b/old/13252-h/images/77-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..77e3158
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/77-1.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/77-2.png b/old/13252-h/images/77-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7f5750b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/77-2.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/78.png b/old/13252-h/images/78.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b58124c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/78.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/79.png b/old/13252-h/images/79.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..984e91b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/79.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/81.png b/old/13252-h/images/81.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7584e6c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/81.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/82.png b/old/13252-h/images/82.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1dc38b3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/82.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/83-1.png b/old/13252-h/images/83-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..86b5bf1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/83-1.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/83-2.png b/old/13252-h/images/83-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1b46514
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/83-2.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/84-1.png b/old/13252-h/images/84-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5a8dd2b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/84-1.png
diff --git a/old/13252-h/images/84-2.png b/old/13252-h/images/84-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bc264b7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252-h/images/84-2.png
diff --git a/old/13252.txt b/old/13252.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e86ac91
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1675 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.
+February 14, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. February 14, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 22, 2004 [EBook #13252]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+February 14, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._)
+
+NO. XXIII.--THE TOLERATED HUSBAND.
+
+It is customary for the self-righteous moralists who puff themselves
+into a state of Jingo complacency over the failings of foreign
+nations, to declare with considerable unction that the domestic
+hearth, which every Frenchman habitually tramples upon, is maintained
+in unviolated purity in every British household. The rude shocks which
+Mr. Justice BUTT occasionally administers to the national conscience
+are readily forgotten, and the chorus of patriotic adulation is
+stimulated by the visits which the British censor finds it necessary
+to pay (in mufti) to the courts of wickedness in continental capitals.
+It may be that among our unimaginative race the lack of virtue is
+not presented in the gaudy trappings that delight our neighbours. Our
+wickedness is coarser and less attractive. It gutters like a cheap
+candle when contrasted with the steady brilliancy of the Parisian
+article. Public opinion, too, holds amongst us a more formidable lash,
+and wields it with a sterner and more frequent severity. But it is
+impossible to deny that our society, however strict its professed code
+may be, can and does produce examples of those lapses from propriety
+which the superficial public deems to be typically and exclusively
+continental. Not only are they produced, but their production and
+their continuance are tolerated by a certain class, possibly limited,
+but certainly influential.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Amongst these examples, both of lapse and of toleration, the Tolerated
+Husband holds a foremost place. Certain conditions are necessary
+for his proper production. He must be not only easy-going, but
+unprincipled,--unprincipled, that is, rather in the sense of having
+no particular principles of any kind than in that of possessing
+and practising notoriously bad ones. He must have a fine contempt
+for steady respectability, and an irresistible inclination to that
+glittering style of untrammelled life which is believed by those who
+live it to be the true Bohemianism. He should be weak in character,
+he may be pleasant in manner and appearance, and he must be both poor
+and extravagant. If to these qualities be added, first a wife, young,
+good-looking, and in most respects similar to her husband, though of
+a stronger will, and secondly a friend, rich, determined, strictly
+unprincipled, and thoroughly unscrupulous, the conditions which
+produce the Tolerated Husband may be said to be complete.
+
+The Tolerated Husband may have been at one time an officer in a good
+regiment. Having married, he finds that his pay, combined with a
+moderate private income, and a generous allowance of indebtedness, due
+to the gratification of expensive tastes, is insufficient to maintain
+him in that position of comfort to which he conceives himself to be
+entitled. He therefore abandons the career of arms, and becomes one of
+those who attempt spasmodically to redeem commercial professions from
+the taint of mere commercialism by becoming commercial themselves.
+It is certain that the gilded society which turns up a moderately
+aristocratic nose at trade and tradesmen, looks with complete
+indulgence upon an ex-officer who dabbles in wine, or associates
+himself with a new scheme for the easy manufacture of working-men's
+boots. An agency to a Fire and Life Assurance Society is, of course,
+above reproach, and the Stock Exchange, an institution which, in the
+imagination of reckless fools, provides as large a cover as charity,
+is positively enviable--a reputation which it owes to the fancied ease
+with which half-a-crown is converted into one hundred thousand pounds
+by the mere stroke of an office pen.
+
+The Tolerated Husband tries all these methods, one after another, with
+a painful monotony of failure in each. Yet, somehow or other, he still
+keeps up appearances, and manages to live in a certain style not far
+removed from luxury. He entertains his friends at elaborate dinners,
+both at home and at expensive restaurants; he is a frequent visitor at
+theatres, where he often pays for the stalls of many others as well as
+for his own. He takes a small house in the country, and fills it with
+guests, to whom he offers admirable wines, and excellent cigars. His
+wife is always beautifully dressed, and glitters with an array of
+jewels which make her the envy of many a steady leader of fashion.
+The world begins to ask, vaguely at first, but with a constantly
+increasing persistence, how the thing is done. Respectability and
+malice combine to whisper a truthful answer. Starting from the axiom
+that the precarious income which is produced by a want of success in
+many branches of business cannot support luxury or purchase diamonds,
+they arrive, _per saltum_, at the conclusion that there must be some
+third party to provide the wife and the husband with means for their
+existence. His name is soon fixed upon, and his motives readily
+inferred. It can be none other than the husband's rich bachelor
+friend, the same who accompanies the pair on all their expeditions,
+who is a constant guest at their house, and is known to be both lavish
+and determined in the prosecution of any object on which he has set
+his heart. His heart, in this instance, is set upon his friend's wife,
+and the obstacles in his way do not seem to be very formidable. The
+case, indeed, is soon too manifest for any one but a born idiot to
+feign ignorance of it. The husband is not a born idiot--he either sees
+it plainly, or (it may be, after a struggle) he looks another way,
+and resigns himself to the inevitable. For inevitable it is, if he is
+to continue in that life of indolence and extravagant comfort which
+habit has made a necessity for him. So he submits to the constant
+companionship of a third party, and, in order to be truly tolerated
+in his own household, becomes tolerant in a manner that is almost
+sublime. He allows his friend to help him with large subventions of
+money; he lets him cover his wife with costly jewels. He is content
+to be supplanted without fuss, provided the supplanter never decreases
+the stream of his benevolence; and the supplanter, having more wealth
+than he knows what to do with, is quite content to secure his object
+on such extremely easy terms. And thus the Tolerated Husband is
+created.
+
+It is curious to notice how cheerfully, to all outward appearance, he
+accepts what other men would consider a disaster. Before the world
+he carries his head high with an assumption of genial frankness and
+easy good temper. "Come and dine with us to-morrow, my boy," he will
+say to an old acquaintance, "there'll only be yourself and a couple
+of others besides ourselves. We'll go to the play afterwards." And
+the acquaintance will most certainly discover, if he accepts the
+invitation, that the "ourselves" included not only husband and wife,
+but friend as well. He will also notice that the last is even more at
+home in the house, and speaks in a tone of greater authority than the
+apparent host. Everything is referred to him for decision, and the
+master of the house treats him with a deferential humility which goes
+far to contradict the cynical observation that there is no gratitude
+on earth. The Tolerated Husband, indeed, never tires of dispensing
+hospitality at the cost of his friend, and though the whole world
+knows the case, there will never be a lack of guests to accept what
+is offered.
+
+At last, however, in spite of his toleration, he becomes an
+encumbrance in his own house, and, like most encumbrances, he has to
+be paid off, the friend providing the requisite annual income. One
+after another he puts off the last remaining rags of his pretended
+self-respect. He haunts his Clubs less and less frequently, and seems
+to wither under the open dislike of those who are repelled by the
+mean and sordid details of his despicable story. And thus he drags on
+his life, a degraded and comparatively impoverished outcast, untidy,
+haggard and shunned, having forfeited by the restriction of his
+spending powers even the good-natured contempt of those who were
+not too proud to be at one time mistaken for his friends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LABOURS FOR LENT.
+
+_Emperor of Germany_.--To conciliate the great men who have had to
+prefix "Ex" to their official titles since he ascended the Throne.
+
+_Emperor of Russia_.--To find a resting-place safe from the Nihilists.
+
+_King of Italy_.--To do without CRISPI, and the Triple Alliance.
+
+_The Emperor of Austria_.--To master the subject of Home Rule as
+applied to Austria, Hungary, and the Bulgarian Nationalities.
+
+_King of Portugal_.--To settle the Map of Africa with Lord SALISBURY.
+
+_The President of the French Republic_.--To adapt _Thermidor_ for the
+German stage.
+
+_The President of the American Republic_.--To bless the McKinley
+Tariff.
+
+_The Marquis of Salisbury_.--To consider with his son and heir the
+Roman Catholic Disabilities Removal Bill.
+
+_Mr. W.H. Smith_.--To renew his stock of Copy-book proverbs.
+
+_Mr. Gladstone_.--To compile and annotate a new volume of _Gleanings_,
+containing the _Quarterly_ Article on "Vaticanism," and the speech in
+support of the Ripon-plus-Russell Relief Bill.
+
+_Mr. Goschen_.--To divide the coming Surplus to everyone's
+satisfaction.
+
+_Mr. Balfour_.--To learn to love both wings of the Irish Party.
+
+_Mr. Justin McCarthy_.--To discover his exact position.
+
+_Mr. S.B. Bancroft_.--To regard with satisfaction his gift to General
+Dealer BOOTH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JUNIUS JUDEX.
+
+_A Pindaric Fragment_. (_A long way after Gray_.)]
+
+  Awake, O Themis-twangled lyre, awake,
+       And give to paeans all thy sounding strings!
+       Here is a triumph joyfuller than Spring's.
+  JEUNE smacks of Summer rather, and must take
+                 The cake!
+  As frescoed heroes cloud-borne progress make,
+  So--happy apotheosis!--advances
+                 Stately Sir FRANCIS!
+  See how late-knighted Justice moves along,
+       High, majestic, smooth and strong,
+  Through Cupid's maze and Neptune's mighty main
+       (O Wimpole Street, uplift the strain!)
+       Toward that proudly portal'd door.
+  Silk gowns and snowy wigs raise the applausive roar!
+  O Sovereign of the Social Soul,
+       Lady of bland and comfort--breathing airs,
+       Enchanting hostess! Business cares
+  And Party passion own thy soft control,
+       In thy saloons the Lord of War
+       Muffles the wheels of his wild car,
+  And drops his thirsty lance at thy command.
+       Smoothed by a snowy hand,
+  Aquila's self, the fierce and feathered king,
+       With sleek-pruned plumes, and close-furled wing
+       Will calmly cackle, and put by
+  The terrors of his beak, the lightnings of his eye.
+       Thine the voice, the dance obey;
+       Tempered to thy pleasant sway,
+       Blue and Buff, Orange and Green,
+  In polychromatic harmony are seen,
+       As on a bright Jeune day.
+  And now JEUNE triumphs in no minor measure.
+  Judicial Pomp and Social Pleasure
+       Now indeed make marvellous meeting.
+  See with suasion firmly sweet
+       That brisk trio, gaily greeting
+  To that portal guide his feet.
+  Neptune's hoarse hails his friend's approach declare,
+       Probate, the winged sprite, about must play;
+  With wanton wings that winnow the soft air
+       In gliding state Lord Cupid leads the way
+  To where grave Law must mark, assay, reprove
+  Wanderings of young Desire, and lures of fickle Love!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOMMY ATKINS'S HARD LOT.
+
+"TOMMY ATKINS," writing modestly enough to the _Daily Chronicle_ of
+the 6th February, complains that the coal supplied by the Authorities
+for barrack-rooms, is so limited in quantity that "during the winter
+this, as a rule, only lasts about two days" in the week, and TOMMY
+and his comrades have to "club-up" to supply the deficiency out of
+their own microscopical pay. "In fact" (says T.A.) "I have been in
+barrack-rooms where the men have had no fires after the first two
+days of the week." _If_ this be so, _Mr. Punch_ agrees with TOMMY in
+saying, "Surely this ought not to be!" TOMMY ATKINS may reasonably be
+expected to "stand fire" at any season, but not the absence of it in
+such wintry weather as we have had recently!
+
+  If this is poor TOMMY ATKINS's lot,
+  As TOMMY might say, It is all Tommy-rot!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COLUMBIA ON HER SPARROW.
+
+(_WITH APOLOGIES TO WILLIAM CARTWRIGHT._)
+
+    ["The Americans have had enough of the Sparrow (_Passer
+    domesticus_), and the mildest epithet reserved for him seems
+    to be that of 'pest.'"--_Daily Chronicle_.]
+
+  Tell me not of joy,--a hum!
+  Now the British Sparrow's come.
+          Sent first was he
+          Across the sea,
+  Advisers kind did flatter me,
+     When he winged way o'er Yankee soil,
+     My caterpillar swarms he'd spoil;
+  And oh, how pleasant that would be!
+
+  He would catch a grub, and then
+  _It_ would never feed again.
+         My fields he'd skip,
+         And peck, and nip,
+  And on the caterpillars feed;
+     And nought should crawl, or hop, or run
+     When he his hearty meal had done.
+  Alas! it was a sell, indeed!
+
+  O'er my fields he makes his flight,
+  In numbers almost infinite;
+          A plague, alas!
+          That doth surpass
+  The swarming caterpillar crew.
+     What I did I much regret;
+     _Passer_ is multiplying yet;
+  Check him I can't. What shall I do?
+
+  The British Sparrow won't depart,
+  His feathered legions break my heart.
+          Would _he_ away
+          I would not, nay!
+  About mere caterpillars fuss.
+     Patience with grubs and moths were mine,
+     Would _he_ but pass across the brine.
+  _I_ call _Passer Domestic Cuss_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HERE WE HARE AGAIN!"--There are two Johnnies on the stage. JOHNNY
+Senior being J.L. TOOLE (now on his way home from New Zealand), and
+JOHNNY Junior, JOHN HARE, both immensely popular as comedians, and
+both in high favour with our most illustrious and judicious Patron
+of the Drama, H.R.H. the Prince of WALES. It is gratifying to learn
+that, after the performance of _A Pair of Spectacles_ at Sandringham,
+the Prince presented the Junior of these two Johnnies with a silver
+cigar-box. In the right-hand corner of the lid is engraved a hare
+looking through a pair of spectacles, and inside is a dedication to
+JOHN HARE from ALBERT EDWARD. "Pretty compliment this," as Sir WILL
+SOMERS, the Court Jester, might have said,--"to JOHNNY HARE from the
+Hare Apparent."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEIR "IBSEN-DIXIT."
+
+A new set of Faddists has been gradually growing up, not in our midst,
+but in the parts about Literature and the Drama. The object of their
+cult is, one HENRIK IBSEN, a Norwegian Dramatist, (perhaps it would
+be more correct to say, _the_ Norwegian Dramatist,) of whose plays
+a pretty sprinkling of scribes, amateur and professional, but all of
+the very highest culture, profess themselves the uncompromisingly
+enthusiastic admirers. You may not know the Ibsenites or any of their
+works, but in their company at least,--that is, supposing yourself so
+highly privileged as to be admitted within the innermost circle of the
+Inner Ibsen Brotherhood,--_not_ to know IBSEN would be proof positive
+of your being in the outer darkness of ignorance, and in need, however
+unworthy, of the grace of Ibsenitish enlightenment. Recruits are
+wanted in the Ibsenite ranks, so as to strengthen numerically the one
+party against the other; for the Ibsenitish sect has so for progressed
+as to be at loggerheads amongst themselves; not indeed on any really
+essential question, such as would be, for example, any doubt as to
+the position of IBSEN as a Dramatist, or as to the order of merit and
+precedence to be assigned to his works. No, on such matters they are
+apparently at one; but in other matters they are at one another. Thus
+the unity appears to be only superficial, a decent plaster hiding the
+rift occasioned by one of their number having literally translated
+into English IBSEN's latest Norwegian drama, of which translation the
+verbal correctness is impugned by another learned Ibsenite.
+
+Not being "a hardy Norseman," and having neither a reading nor
+speaking acquaintance with the Norse language, I am unable to decide
+abstruse points on which such learned doctors disagree; but not being
+altogether without some practical experience of English and French
+drama, I venture to call in question not only the dramatic ability of
+the dramatist himself, but also, after perhaps allowing him some merit
+as a type-writer or character-sketcher, to assert that the style and
+matter of most of his work is always tiresome, frequently childish,
+and the subject often morbid and unhealthy; and, further, that his
+method is tedious to the last degree of boredom; for, as a writer, if
+I may judge him fairly by his translators, he is didactic and prosy,
+and never more tedious than when his dialogue is intended to be at its
+very crispest. As a playwright his construction is faulty. Here and
+there he gives expression to pretty ideas, reminding me (still judging
+by the translation) of TOM ROBERTSON, not when the latter was in his
+happiest vein, but when laboriously striving to make his puppets talk
+in a sweetly ingenuous manner.
+
+I have never seen any play of IBSEN's on the stage, but I have read
+several of them--indeed, as I believe, all that have hitherto been
+translated and published in this country. I was prepared to be
+charmed, expecting much. I was soon disillusioned, and great was my
+disappointment. Then I re-read them, to judge of them not merely as
+dramas for the closet, but as dramas for the stage, written to be
+acted, not to be read; or, at all events, as far as the general public
+were concerned, to be acted first, and to be read afterwards. As
+acting dramas, it is difficult to conceive anything less practically
+dramatic. I do not know what the pecuniary result of his theatrical
+productions may be in his own country--where, I believe, he doesn't
+reside--but, out of his own country (say, here in London), I should
+say that a one-night's performance, with a house half full, would
+exhaust IBSEN's English public, and quite exhaust the patience of
+those who know not IBSEN.
+
+Years ago we had the Chatterton-Boucicault dictum that "SHAKSPEARE
+spelt failure." Now, for SHAKSPEARE read "IBSEN," and insert the words
+"swift and utter" before "failure," and you have my opinion as to how
+the formula would stand with regard to IBSEN. I should be sorry to
+see any professional Manager making himself pecuniarily responsible
+for the success of such an undertaking, a word which, in its funereal
+sense, is of ill omen to the attempt. Let the Ibsenites club
+together, lease a theatre, and see how the public likes their show.
+There's nothing doing at the Royalty just now; let them pay rent
+in advance, and become Miss KATE SANTLEY's tenants; then, if the
+IBSEN-worshippers, with their Arch-priest, or ARCHER-priest, at their
+head, come to a temporary understanding with the Gosse-Ibsenites,
+they could craftily contrive to be invited as guests to a dinner at
+the Playwreckers' Club. The _dilettanti_ members of this association
+the United Ibsenites could flatter by deferring to the opinions of
+their hosts, while inculcating their own, thus securing the goodwill
+and patronage of the Playwreckers, a plan nowadays adopted with
+considerable success by some of our wiliest dramatists, eager to
+secure a free course and be glorified; and so, by making each one of
+these mighty amateurs feel that the success of IBSEN in this country
+depended on him personally, that is, on his verdict or "_Ibsen
+dixit_," a run of, say, perhaps three nights might possibly be
+secured, when they could play to fairly-filled houses. One "nicht wi'
+IBSEN," one night only, would, I venture to say, be quite enough for
+most of us. "Oh, that mine enemy would write a book!" "Oh, that my
+enemy would bring out an Ibsenite play," and try to run it! Perhaps he
+will. In which case I will either alter my opinion or give him a dose
+of ANTI-FAD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. GLADSTONE'S NEW HOUSE.
+
+"The house which Mr. GLADSTONE has just taken in Park Lane is, it is
+reported, the selection of Mrs. GLADSTONE, who recommends it with a
+view to her husband's opportunities for exercise."--_Daily Paper_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SULLIVANHOE!
+
+_BRAVISSIMO_, Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN of Ivanhoe, or to compress it
+telegraphically by wire, "_Bravissimo Sullivanhoe!_" Loud cries of
+"ARTHUR! ARTHUR!" and as ARTHUR and Composer he bows a solo gracefully
+in front of the Curtain. Then Mr. JULIAN STURGIS is handed out to him,
+when "SULLIVAN" and "JULIAN"--latter name phonetically suggestive of
+ancient musical associations, though who nowadays remembers "Mons.
+JULLIEN"?--the composer and librettist, bow a duet together. "Music"
+and "Words" disappear behind gorgeous new draperies. "All's swell
+that ends swell," and nothing could be sweller than the audience on
+the first night. But to our tale. As to the dramatic construction of
+this Opera, had I not been informed by the kindly playbill that I
+was seeing _Ivanhoe_, I should never have found it out from the first
+scene, nor should I have been quite clear about it until the situation
+where that slyboots _Rebecca_ artfully threatens to chuck herself
+off from the topmost turret rather than throw herself away on the bad
+Templar _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan_. The Opera might
+be fairly described as "Scenes from _Ivanhoe_," musically illustrated.
+There is, however, a continuity in the music which is lacking in the
+plot.
+
+[Illustration: All Dicky with Ivanhoe; or, The Long and Short of it.]
+
+The scenic effects are throughout admirable, and the method, adopted
+at the end of each _tableau_, of leaving the audience still more in
+the dark than they were before as to what is going on on the stage, is
+an excellent notion, well calculated to intensify the mystery in which
+the entire plot is enveloped.
+
+The change of scene--of course highly recommended by the leech
+in attendance on the suffering _Ivanhoe_--from the little
+second-floor-back in the top storey of the castle tower, where the
+stout _Knight of Ivanhoe_ is in durance, is managed with the least
+possible inconvenience to the invalid, who, whether suffering from
+gout or pains in his side,--and, judging by his action, he seemed
+to feel it, whatever it was, all over him,--found himself _and_ his
+second-hand lodging-house sofa (quite good enough for a prisoner)
+suddenly deposited at the comparatively safe distance of some three
+hundred yards or so from the burning Castle of Torquilstone, in which
+identical building he himself, not a minute before, had been immured.
+So marvellous a flight of fancy is only to be found in an Arabian, not
+a Christian, Night's Entertainment.
+
+The Tournament Scene is a very effective "set," but practically an
+elaborate "sell," as all the fighting on horseback is done "without."
+Presently, after a fierce clashing of property-swords, sounding
+suspiciously like fire-irons, _Ivanhoe_ and _Sir Brian_ come in,
+afoot, to fight out "round the sixth, and last." There is refreshing
+novelty in Mr. COPLAND's impersonation of _Isaac of York_, who might
+be taken for _Shylock's_ younger brother who has been experimenting
+on his beard with some curious kind of hair-dye. This comic little
+_Isaac_ will no doubt grow older during the run of the piece, but
+on the first night he neither looked nor behaved like _Rebecca's_
+aged and venerable sire, nor did Miss MACINTYRE--who, by the
+way, is charming as _Rebecca_, and who is so nimble in skipping
+about the stage when avoiding the melodramatic _Sir Brian de
+Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan_, and so generally active and artful as
+to be quite a _Becky Sharp_,--nor, I say, did Miss MACINTYRE seem to
+treat her precocious parent (_Isaac_ must have married very young,
+seeing that _Becky_ is full twenty-one, and _Isaac_ apparently
+very little more than twenty-eight, or, say, thirty) with any
+great tenderness and affection; but these feelings no doubt will be
+intensified, as she becomes more and more accustomed to her jewvenile
+father during the run of the Opera, and he may say to her, as the
+Bottle Imp did to his victim, "Ha! Ha! You must _learn_ to love me!"
+
+[Illustration: The game of "Becky my Neighbour." The Stout Knight lays
+low.]
+
+I have not time to enumerate all the charming effects of the Opera,
+but I must not forget the magic property-harp, with, apparently, limp
+whip-cord strings, "the harp that once," or several times, was played
+by those accomplished musicians, _King Richard_, and _Friar Tuck_,
+the latter of whom has by far the most taking song in the Opera,
+and which would have received a treble [or a baritone] encore, had
+_Barkis_--meaning Sir ARTHUR--"been willin'." The contest between
+_Richard_ and the _Friar_ is decidedly "Dicky." Nor must I forget the
+magnificent property supper in the first scene, at so much a head,
+where not a ham or a chicken is touched; nor must "the waits" between
+some of the sets be forgotten,--"waits" being so suggestive of music
+at the merriest time of the year. Nor, above all, must I omit to
+mention the principal character, _Ivanhoe_ himself, played by Mr. BEN
+DAVIES, who would be quite an ideal _Ivanhoe_ if he were not such
+a very real _Ivanhoe_--only, of course, we must not forget that he
+"doubles" the part. There is no thinness about "_Ben Mio_," whether
+considered as a man, or as a good all-round tenor. I did not envy
+_Ivanhoe's_ marvellous power of sleep while Miss MACINTYRE was singing
+her best, her sweetest, and her loudest. For my part I prefer to
+believe that the crafty Saxon was "only purtendin'," and was no more
+asleep than _Josh Sedley_ on the eve of Waterloo, or the Fat Boy when
+he surprised _Mr. Tupman_ and _Aunt Rachel_ in the arbour, or when he
+pinched _Mr. Pickwick's_ leg in order to attract his attention. But,
+after all, _Ivanhoe_ and _Rowena_, as THACKERAY remarked, are a poor
+namby-pamby pair, and the real heroine is _Rebecca_. The Opera ends
+with a "Rebecca Riot." Every one wishes success to the new venture.
+
+[Illustration: "A1" Saxon Friar.]
+
+As to the Music,--well, I am not a musician, and in any new Opera when
+there is no one tuneful phrase as in _Aida_ or _Tannhaeuser_, which, at
+the very first hearing, anyone with half an ear can straightway catch,
+and reproduce next day till everyone about him cries, "Oh don't!" and
+when, as in this instance, the conducting-composer, Wagnerianly, will
+not permit _encores_--where am I? Nowhere. I return home in common
+time, but tuneless. On the other hand, besides being certain that
+_Friar Tuck's_ jovial song will "catch on," I must record the complete
+satisfaction with which I heard the substantial whack on the drum so
+descriptive of _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan's_ heavy fall
+"at the ropes." This last effect, being as novel as it is effective,
+attracted the attention of the wily and observant DRURIOLANUS, who
+mentally booked the effect as something startlingly new and original
+for his next Pantomime. The combat between the Saxon Slogger, very
+much out of training, and the Norman Nobbler, rather over-trained
+as the result proved, is decidedly exciting, and the Nobbler would
+be backed at long odds. Altogether, the whole show was thoroughly
+appreciated by WAMBA JUNIOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.
+
+NO. I.--THE CLASSICAL SCHOLAR IN REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES.
+
+You are, let us say, a young professional man in chambers or offices,
+incompetently guarded by an idiot boy whom you dare not trust with the
+responsibility of denying you to strangers. You hear a knock at your
+outer door, followed by conversation in the clerk's room, after which
+your salaried idiot announces, "A Gentleman to see you." Enter a dingy
+and dismal little man in threadbare black, who advances with an air of
+mysterious importance. "I think," he begins, "I 'ave the pleasure of
+speaking to Mr.----" (_whatever your name is_.) "I take the liberty of
+calling, Mr.----, to consult you on a matter of the utmost importance,
+and I shall feel personally obliged if you will take precautions for
+our conversation not being over'eard."
+
+He looks grubby for a client--but appearances are deceptive, and
+you offer him a seat, assuring him that he may speak with perfect
+security--whereupon he proceeds in a lowered voice.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"The story I am about to reveal," he says, smoothing a slimy tall hat,
+"is of a nature so revolting, so 'orrible in its details, that I can
+'ardly bring myself to speak it to any 'uming ear!" (_Here you will
+probably prepare to take notes._) "You see before you one who is of
+'igh birth but low circumstances!" (_At this, you give him up as a
+possible client, but a mixture of diffidence and curiosity compels
+you to listen._) "Yes, Sir, I was '_fruges consumeary nati_.' I 'ave
+received a neducation more befitting a dook than my present condition.
+Nursed in the lap of haffluence, I was trained to fill the lofty
+position which was to have been my lot. But '_necessitas_,' Sir,
+as you are aware, '_necessitas non abat lejim_,' and such I found
+it. While still receiving a classical education at Cambridge
+College--(praps you are yourself an alumbus of _Halma Mater_? No? I
+apologise, Sir, I'm sure)--but while preparing to take my honorary
+degree, my Father suddenly enounced, the horful news that he was
+a bankrup'. Strip of all we possessed, we were turned out of our
+sumchuous 'ome upon the cold world, my Father's grey 'airs were
+brought down sorrowing to sangwidge boards, though he is still sangwin
+of paying off his creditors in time out of what he can put by from his
+scanty hearnings. My poor dear Mother--a lady born and bred--sank by
+slow degrees to a cawfy-stall, which is now morgidged to the 'ilt,
+and my eldest Sister, a lovely and accomplished gairl, was artlessly
+thrown over by a nobleman, to 'oom she was engaged to be married,
+before our reverses overtook us. His name the delikit hinstinks
+of a gentleman will forbid you to inquire, as likewise me to
+mention--enough to 'int that he occupies a prominent position amongst
+the hupper circles of Society, and is frequently to be met with in the
+papers. His faithlessness preyed on my Sister's mind to that degree,
+that she is now in the Asylum, a nopeless maniac! My honely Brother
+was withdrawn from 'Arrow, and now 'as the yumiliation of selling
+penny toys on the kerbstone to his former playfellers. '_Tantee
+nannymice salestibus hirae_,' indeed, Sir!
+
+"But you ask what befell myself." (_You have not--for the simple
+reason that, even if you desired information, he has given you no
+chance, as yet, of putting in a word._) "Ah, Sir, there you 'ave me on
+a tender point. '_Hakew tetigisti_,' if I may venture once more upon
+a scholarly illusion. But I 'ave resolved to conceal nothing--and
+you shall 'ear. For a time I obtained employment as Seckertary and
+Imanuensis to a young baranit, 'oo had been the bosom friend of
+my College days. He would, I know, have used his influence with
+Government to obtain me a lucritive post; but, alas, 'ere he could
+do so, unaired sheets, coupled with deliket 'elth, took him off
+premature, and I was once more thrown on my own resources.
+
+"In conclusion, Sir, you 'ave doubtless done me the hinjustice to
+expect, from all I 'ave said, that my hobjick in obtaining this
+interview was to ask you for pecuniary assistance?" (_Here you reflect
+with remorse that a suspicion to this effect has certainly crossed
+your mind_). "Nothing of the sort or kind, I do assure you. A little
+'uming sympathy, the relief of pouring out my sorrers upon a feeling
+art, a few kind encouraging words, is all I arsk, and that, Sir, the
+first sight of your kind friendly face told me I should not lack. Pore
+as I am, I still 'ave my pride, the pride of a English gentleman, and
+if you was to orfer me a sovereign as you sit there, I should fling
+it in the fire--ah, I _should_--'urt and indignant at the hinsult!"
+(_Here you will probably assure him that you have no intention of
+outraging his feelings in any such manner._) "No, and _why_, Sir?
+Because you 'ave a gentlemanly 'art, and if you were to make sech a
+orfer, you would do it in a kindly Christian spirit which would rob it
+of all offence. There's not many as I would bring myself to accept a
+paltry sovereign from, but I dunno--I might from one like yourself--I
+_might Ord hignara mali, miseris succurreary disco_, as the old
+philosopher says. You 'ave that kind of _way_ with you." (_You
+mildly intimate that he is mistaken here, and take the opportunity
+of touching the bell_). "No, Sir, don't be untrue to your better
+himpulses. _'Ave_ a feelin 'art, Sir! Don't send me away, after
+allowing me to waste my time 'ere--which is of value _to me_, let me
+tell yer, whatever _yours_ is!--like this!... Well, well, there's 'ard
+people in this world? I'm _going_, Sir ... I 'ave sufficient dignity
+to take a 'int ... You 'aven't got even a trifle to spare an old
+University Scholar in redooced circumstances then?... Ah, it's easy to
+see you ain't been at a University yourself--you ain't got the _hair_
+of it! Farewell, Sir, and may your lot in life be 'appier than--All
+right, don't _hexcite_ yourself. I've bin mistook in yer, that's all.
+I thought you was as soft-edded a young mug as you look. Open that
+door, will yer; I want to get out of this 'ole!"
+
+Here he leaves you with every indication of disgust and
+disappointment, and you will probably hear him indulging in
+unclassical vituperation on the landing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Baron is delighted with MONTAGU WILLIAMS's third volume of
+_Reminiscences_, published by MACMILLAN & Co. His cheery after-dinner
+conversational style of telling capital stories is excellent. He is
+not writing a book, he is talking to us; he is telling us a series
+of good things, and, quoth the Baron, let me advise you to light your
+cigar and sit down in your armchair before the fire, as not only
+do you not wish to interrupt him, even with a query, but you feel
+inclined to say, as the children do when, seated round you in the
+wintry twilight, they have been listening to a story which has deeply
+interested them--"Go on, please, tell us another!" The following
+interpolated "aside," most characteristic of MONTAGU WILLIAMS's
+life-like conversational manner of telling a story, occurs at page
+8, where giving an account of a robbery, of which he himself was
+the victim, and telling how a thief asked to be shown up to his, the
+narrator's room, he says, "The porter, like a fool, gave his consent."
+The interpolated "_like a fool_," carries the jury, tells the whole
+story, and wins admiration for the sufferer, who is the real hero of
+the tale. But beyond the book's merit as an interesting and amusing
+companion, it contains some valuable practical suggestions for
+relieving the ordinary distress in the poorest districts which ought
+to receive attention in the highest quarters.
+
+To some readers interested in theatrical life, _Polly Mountemple_
+must prove an interesting work of fiction, if a story can be so styled
+which, as its author assures his readers with his latest breath, I
+should say in his last paragraph (p. 291), "Is a true tale." It is the
+story of a "ballet lady" who rises in "the profession" to the dignity
+of a speaking part, and is on the point of being raised still higher
+in the social scale, and becoming the wife of a real live young
+nobleman, when she sensibly accepts a considerable sum of money,
+consents to forego her action for breach of promise, and finally
+marries a highly respectable acrobat, and becomes the landlady of
+the "Man of Kent." The earlier portion is entertaining, especially
+to those who are not altogether ignorant of some of the personages,
+sketches of whom are drawn by the author, Mr. CHARLES HOLLIS, with, it
+is not improbable, considerable fidelity. They are rough sketches, not
+by any means highly finished, but then such was the character of the
+original models. Before, however, it can be accepted by the general
+public as giving an unexaggerated picture of a certain sort of
+stage-life, it ought to have the _imprimatur_ or the _nihil obstat_
+of some generally acknowledged head of the profession; for "the
+profession" is Hydra-like in this respect--a republican creation, with
+many heads. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ENCOURAGEMENT.
+
+_Professional Golfer_ (_in answer to anxious question_). "WEEL, NO,
+SIR, AT YOUR TIME O' LIFE, YE CAN NEVER HOPE TO BECOME A _PLAYER_; BUT
+IF YE PRACTISE HARD FOR THREE YEARS, YE MAY BE ABLE TO TELL GOOD PLAY
+FROM BAD WHEN YE SEE IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "PAPER-CHASE."
+
+_The Hare (with many financial friends) loquitur_:--
+
+  Here goes! 'Tis a rather new line--
+    But that is no very great matter.
+  If they've faith in a lead, 'tis in mine,
+    So a tentative trail let me scatter,
+  The old track of country this time I'll forsake;
+  I trust they'll not think I have made a mistake?
+
+  That old line of country they know,
+    Across it for years they've been rangers,
+  All right, when the going is slow,
+    When 'tis fast, are they fly to its dangers?
+  For Hares to raise scares 'midst the Hounds were improper,
+  But how if the pack come a general cropper?
+
+  Remarkably near it last time,
+    Though some of 'em didn't suspect it;
+  But _I_ spy the peril! 'Twere crime
+    If I did not help them to detect it.
+  If they don't like my trail they must give me the sack;
+  I'd rather be bullied than break up the pack.
+
+  They fancy I'll keep the old course,
+    There or thereabout. But I've a notion!
+  They'll grumble perhaps, with some force,
+    But they're not going to flurry G. GOSCHEN.
+  Of this havresack there have been some smart carriers--
+  I'll make 'em sit up, though, the L.S.D. Harriers!
+
+  I love 'em, each supple-shanked lad,
+    'Most as much as--Statistics. To trudge it
+  For _them_ makes my bosom as glad
+    As--Big Surplus, and Popular Budget;
+  And so I should like to secure them a run,
+  Combining snug safety with plenty of fun.
+
+  I don't wont to lessen their speed,
+    I don't want to hamper their daring;
+  But rashness won't always succeed--
+    Just ask that smart runner, young B-R-NG!
+  And that's why I'm trying to strike a new line
+  For our Paper-Chase--catting the "Paper" up fine.
+
+  I scatter it wide. Will it float?
+    Of course for awhile there's no knowing;
+  But I shall be able to note,
+    By the sequel, _which way the wind's blowing_.
+  There! Look like white-birds, or banknotes, in full flight.
+  Now, lads, double up! There's not one yet in sight!
+
+  Of course I'm ahead of my field,
+    As a Hare worth his salt ever should be.
+  My Hounds, though, are mostly spring-heeled.
+    Eh? Funk it? I don't think that could be!
+  The L.S.D. Harriers' lick others hollow
+  For pluck and for pace. There's the trail,--_will they follow_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST."--You need not go to Holland to see the
+Hague. You may find it--him we mean--at DOWDESWELL's Gallery. Here you
+can revel in a good fit of the Hague without shivering. Indeed, Mr.
+ANDERSON HAGUE, judging from his pictures of North Cambria, seems to
+be very fit, and therefore, he may be called an HAGUE-fit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CAN(NES)DID CONFESSION.
+
+(_BY A SUFFERING ANGELINA._)
+
+  You write to me, sweetest, with envy
+    Of "zephyrs" and "summerlike stars;"
+  You say women, horses, and men vie
+    In chorus of croups and catarrhs;
+  You picture me safe from the snarling
+    Of Winter's tyrannical sway.
+  This isn't, believe me, my darling,
+    The Mediterranean way.
+
+  You rave of the "shimmering light on
+    An ocean pellucidly fair."
+  You get it, my darling, at Brighton,
+    And coals that can warm you are _there_:
+  Of "boughs with hot oranges breaking"--
+    Cold comfort, while fortunes we pay
+  For faggots that mock us in making
+    Their Mediterranean way!
+
+  You dream of me rapt by a casement
+    Mimosa caresses and rose;
+  _This_ window was surely the place meant
+    For mistral to buffet my nose.
+  Of tennis and dances and drums in
+    "That Eden for Eves"--did you say?
+  Apt phrase! Nothing masculine comes in
+    Our Mediterranean way.
+
+  And "Esterel's amethyst ranges
+    Of gossamer shapes"--and the rest.
+  Good gracious, how scenery changes!
+    They too have a cold on their chest.
+  At "delicate lungs," dear, and so on
+    No more for this climate I'll play,
+  But homeward in ecstasy go on
+    My Mediterranean way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "PAPER-CHASE."
+
+RIGHT HON. GEO. J. G-SCH-N (_the Hare_). "WONDER WHETHER THEY'LL
+FOLLOW?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OYSTERS AT WHITSTABLE FROZEN IN THEIR BEDS!
+
+(_See Daily Papers_.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD WOMAN AND HER WATER SUPPLY.
+
+(_AN OLD NURSERY RHYME WITH A NEW BURDEN._)
+
+  There was an old Woman, as I've heard say,
+  The frost froze her water-pipes fast one day;
+  The frost froze her water-pipes fast at first,
+  Till a thaw came at last, and the water-pipes burst.
+  By came the Company, greedy of gain,
+  And it cut her water all off at the main,
+  It cut her water off sharp, if you please,
+  Though it wasn't _her_ fault that the pipes began to freeze.
+  It wasn't _her_ fault that the water-pipes burst.
+  So she had no water for cleansing or thirst,
+  She had no water, and she began to cry,
+  "Oh, what a cruel buzzum has a Water Company
+  But I'll repair the pipes, since so it must be,
+  And the plumber, I'm aware, will make pickings out of me.
+  If there's a frost I've no water for my pail,
+  And if there's a thaw then the rate-collectors rail."
+  On Law the old Woman is entirely in the dark;
+  There seems no one to save her from the fresh-water shark;
+  The shark does what he likes, and she can only cry,
+  "Who'll help a poor old Woman 'gainst the Water Company?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOI-MEM.
+
+"_Moi-Meme_," in the course of his pleasant _Worldly_ wanderings among
+things in general, observes, _a propos_ of the younger COQUELIN's
+suggestion about lectures by professors of the Dramatic Art to
+youthful students, "One can scarcely fancy a more humorous sight than
+Mr. TOOLE giving a professional lecture to dramatic aspirants, telling
+them when to wink, when to wheeze, when to ''scuse his glove,'" &c.
+Now it so happens that when this same idea was first started--or
+perhaps revived--some eleven years ago, Professor TOOLE's Lecture to
+Students of the Dramatic Art was given in _Mr. Punch's_ pages. The
+lecture, one of a series supposed to be given by various actors,
+will be found in Vol. LXXVIII., page 93. It appeared on the 28th of
+February, 1880.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE BY A NOMAD.
+
+  SMITH, of Coalville, imagines that Civilised Man
+  Falls too much to the rear if he lives in a Van;
+  But Caravan-dwellers, with force and urbanity,
+  Declare that SMITH's views of Van life are pure vanity!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HIGHEST EDUCATION;
+
+_OR, WHAT IS LOOMING A-HEAD._
+
+A Deputation on behalf of the Exasperated Ratepayers' Association
+waited yesterday afternoon on the Chairman of the London School
+Board at their new and commodious palatial premises erected on the
+vast central site recently cleared, regardless of expense, for that
+purpose in Piccadilly, and presented a further protest against the
+ever-increasing expenditure indulged in by that body. The Chairman,
+smilingly intimating that he would hear what the Deputation had to
+say, though he added, amidst the ill-suppressed merriment of his
+_confreres_, he supposed it was the old sing-song protest, possibly
+on this occasion because they had recently directed that the boys
+attending the schools of the Board should come in "Eton" suits,
+the cost of which naturally fell upon the rates, or some captious
+objection of that kind, which it really was a waste of breath to
+discuss. However, whatever it was, he added, he was willing to hear
+it.
+
+The Spokesman of the Deputation, a Duke in reduced circumstances,
+who ascribed his ruin to the heavy rates he had been called upon to
+pay through the extravagance of the Board, and who declined to give
+his name, said that though they had not thought the Eton suits a
+necessity, still it was not against them that they had to protest.
+It was the addition of Astronomy involving the erection (with fitting
+first-class instruments) of 341 observatories in the London district
+alone, Chinese, taught by 500 native Professors imported from Pekin
+for the purpose, horse-riding, yachting, and the church organ (these
+last two being compulsory), together with the use of the tricycle,
+type-writer, and phonograph, all of which instruments were provided
+for every single pupil at the expense of the ratepayers, to the
+curriculum of all those pupils who were fitted for the third standard.
+The speaker said he knew that it had long been settled that the finest
+and most comprehensive education that our advanced civilisation could
+supply should be provided for the submerged half of the population,
+and they could not grumble at these things, but what they did not
+consider necessary was, that a salary should be forthcoming for each
+pupil-teacher sufficient to enable him or her to drive down to the
+schools in their own carriage and pair. (_Much laughter._) He did not
+think it a laughing matter. He would strongly suggest a diminution of
+at least L1000 a-year in the salaries of these overpaid officials.
+
+The Chairman here asked the speaker if he had considered that
+"descending" from a carriage was necessarily connected with the
+teaching of Deportment, on which the Board set great value? Was he
+not aware that some great man had said, wishing to give Deportment its
+proper weight as an educational factor, that the Battle of Waterloo
+(at least he thought he was quoting correctly) was won at Almacks?
+(_Renewed laughter._) Anyhow, he did not consider that L2,500 a-year,
+and a house in Mayfair, was at all an excessive remuneration for a
+School-Board teacher, as measured by the Board's standard. He thought,
+if that was all the Deputation had to urge, that they might have saved
+themselves the trouble their protest had cost them.
+
+The Spokesman having for a few moments consulted with his colleagues,
+hereupon turned to the Chairman, and delivering with fearful emphasis
+the customary curse on the School Board, its Chairman, and all its
+belongings, at the same time thanking the Chairman for his courteous
+reception of the Deputation, silently and sulkily withdrew.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRURIOLANUS AND DANCING.--The Fancy Dress Ball--not a "Ball
+Marsky"--at Covent Garden, last Tuesday week, was a great success,
+on which DRURIOLANUS FORTUNATUS is hereby congratulated. There is to
+be a similar festivity, to celebrate _Mi-Careme_. Quite appropriate
+this date, when the season is half Lent, and the costumes almost all
+borrowed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN APPEAL CASE, HOUSE OF LORDS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING.
+
+    ["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already mortgaged. In
+    1892 you may count upon me."--_Mr. KIPLING to Magazine Editor,
+    who wished to secure him as a Contributor_.]
+
+  Oh, happy man! for whom this world of ours
+    Is but a ceaseless round of milk and honey,
+  Who use your wondrous word-compelling powers
+    For us in telling tales (and making money),
+
+  How you must laugh to rake the dollars in,
+    The publishers--how badly you must bleed them;
+  Your tales _are_ good, but yet, ere you begin
+   On more, just think of us who've got to read them.
+
+  It frightens us to hear your Ninety-One
+    Is mortgaged--for the prospect's _not_ inviting,
+  To think of all that may and will be done,
+    If, through the present year you ne'er cease writing!
+
+  With bated breath we ask, and humble mien--
+    We realise how far we come behind you--
+  That you will leave _one_ remnant Magazine
+    In which we may be sure we shall not find you.
+
+  Then will your RUDYARD name with joy be hailed,
+    And yours will be a never-fading glory,
+  If, when you're asked to write a _Light that Failed_,
+    You merely tell us, "That's another story."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN UPPER NOTE.
+
+Sir,--I mustn't interfere with the diary of TOBY, M.P. But, as he is
+not reported as being in the Upper House on this particular occasion,
+I cannot help drawing general attention to the dispatch of business
+among the Lords on Thursday last. I quote from the Parliamentary
+Report in the _Daily Telegraph_, which informed us that
+
+    "The LORD CHANCELLOR took his seat on the Woolsack at a
+    quarter-past four o'clock."
+
+Then in came "A New Spiritual Peer." Awful! It sounds like an
+apparition in a blood-curdling ghost-story. Where was LIKA JOKO
+with his pencil? Well, "the new Spiritual Peer took his oath and his
+seat"--why wasn't he called upon for his toast and sentiment?--and
+then--what happened? Did their Lordships stay to have a friendly chat
+with the new-comer? No, not a bit of it; for the report says,
+
+    "Their Lordships rose at twenty-five minutes to five o'clock."
+
+So that, in effect, as soon as the new boy came in, and seated
+himself, all the old boys went out. There's manners for you! And this
+in the Upper House, too!! Yours truly, THE MARQUIZ.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNREGENERATE.
+
+"ONLY THINK HOW DELIGHTFUL, BOBBIE! THEY'VE DISCOVERED, IN MANUSCRIPT,
+AN ENTIRELY NEW WORK BY ARISTOTLE, AND THEY'RE GOING TO PUBLISH IT!"
+
+"REALLY, MAMMIE? THEN ALL I CAN SAY IS, I'M PRECIOUS GLAD I'VE LEFT
+SCHOOL FOR GOOD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: The Rollit Albert that gathered Three Bills into the
+Statute Book.]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday Night, Feb. 2_.--"I do not," said OLD
+MORALITY, a cloud of disappointment settling on his massive brow,
+"know any case where, comparatively late in life, after a blameless
+career, depravity has so suddenly broken out in a man as it has with
+SYDNEY GEDGE. It is true, that upon occasion GEDGE has not given
+entire satisfaction to our friends opposite. They hold the opinion
+that his incursions in debate have been inopportune, and, in short,
+unnecessary; but that is their affair. We have had no ground for
+complaint. GEDGE has always voted straight, has appropriately filled
+up a dull half-hour when we had to keep a Debate going, and at all
+times he has invested our side of the House with a certain _je ne sais
+quoi_ of dignity, combined with profound wisdom. And now to go and
+break out in this unexpected manner! It is incomprehensible,--would
+be, if I had not seen him with my own organs of vision, incredible. We
+must make GEDGE a Peer, or a County Court Judge."
+
+OLD MORALITY's discomposure not unwarranted. GEDGE certainly made our
+flesh creep to-night. Of all things in the world, it came about on the
+Tithes Bill. In Committee all night; Sir JOHN SWINBURNE spoken several
+times; HARCOURT, leading Opposition, made several efforts to inspire
+proceedings with a little life, but not to be done. Bill rapidly
+slipping through; Amendments to Clauses all disposed of; a few new
+ones on paper. Of course not slightest chance of being added to Bill.
+One by one moved; Minister objected; Clause negatived; and there
+an end of it. Twelve o'clock close at hand; on stroke of Midnight,
+Debate must be adjourned; still plenty of time to get the Bill
+through Committee. Everything out of the way except new Clause in
+name of SYDNEY GEDGE. But GEDGE loyal Ministerialist; not likely _he_
+would interfere with arrangements, and endanger progress of Bill.
+HICKS-BEACH, in charge of measure, kept his eye on the clock; three
+minutes to Twelve; running it pretty close, but just time to get Bill
+through. GEDGE on his feet; quite unnecessary; needn't stand up to
+say he would not move his Clause; if he had simply lifted his hat when
+Chairman called his name it would be understood that he had sacrificed
+his Clause. Dangerous this, dallying on stroke of Midnight.
+
+To his horror, HICKS-BEACH heard GEDGE beginning to describe purport
+of his new Clause. Was going to move it then? Yes. After moment's
+horrified pause, Ministerialists broke into angry cries of, "Divide!"
+Opposition convulsed with laughter; HICKS-BEACH pale and stern, and
+stony silent; SYDNEY GEDGE flushed, conversational, dogged. Even if
+Tithes Bill were lost he would explain the bearing of his new Clause.
+Scene increasing in hilarity; lasted three minutes: then Midnight
+sounded, and SYDNEY sat down, surprised to find he had talked out the
+Tithes Bill.
+
+"You might have knocked me down with a feather," said ALBERT ROLLIT,
+who, before opening his lips, had observed the precaution of propping
+himself up against the wall. "GEDGE, of all men, to spoil the
+Ministerial plan, and imperil their arrangements for the week! It's
+all COURTNEY's fault. Since GEDGE tasted COURTNEY's blood, on the
+night he interrupted his speech by chatting in the Chair with HERBERT
+GARDNER, GEDGE has never been the same man. There's no knowing to what
+lengths he may not go."
+
+_Business done_.--SYDNEY GEDGE broken out again worse than ever.
+
+_Tuesday_.--MARJORIBANKS rather depressed as he rose to move his
+Resolution for appointment of Royal Commission on New Magazine Rifle.
+Had hoped to appear under very different circumstances. Meant quite to
+put in the shade LYON PLAYFAIR's historic lecture on Margarine, when
+he had the tables covered with pots of that substance, with penny
+loaves and small knives for Members to sample withal. For weeks
+MARJORIBANKS been preparing for occasion. Had possessed himself of
+quite an armoury of rifles: intended to bring them into the House and
+illustrate his lecture with practical experiments. The climax was to
+be the shooting-off scene. BOBBY SPENCER and ANSTRUTHER on in this.
+BOBBY standing at the Bar with an apple held on palm of extended right
+hand; MARJORIBANKS, using Martini-Henry Rifle, was to clear the apple
+off, leaving BOBBY's hair unsinged, and not a wrinkle added to his
+collar. ANSTRUTHER was next to stand in the same place, braving the
+fire of the Magazine Rifle. But he didn't have an apple, as it was
+arranged that the new arm should jam.
+
+[Illustration: Standing Fire.]
+
+"Suppose it doesn't?" ANSTRUTHER inquired, when MARJORIBANKS first
+unfolded his scheme.
+
+"Oh, that'll be all right," said MARJORIBANKS, cheerily.
+
+Long practice on the Terrace made the arrangements perfect, when
+they were suddenly upset by interference from unexpected quarter. The
+SPEAKER, wondering what all this rifle-popping was, came to hear of
+the project; at once said it wouldn't do; no arms of any kind admitted
+in House of Commons, except the sword worn by SERGEANT-AT-ARMS,
+and once a year the lethal weapons carried by the Naval or Military
+gentlemen who move and second Address. BOBBY SPENCER rather glad,
+I fancy; ANSTRUTHER not inconsolable. But MARJORIBANKS distinctly
+depressed.
+
+"Not often I occupy time of House," he said. "We Whips make Houses,
+and you empty them. DUFF--and he's not a Whip now--made all the
+running with his orations on the herring brand. Thought I would make
+a hit this time."
+
+"I was a little afraid of it too," said ANSTRUTHER.
+
+"Oh, you were all right," said MARJORIBANKS; "the New Magazine Rifle
+will not fire unless, after first shot, you clean it out with an oily
+rag, and I was going to take precious good care to forget the rag.
+You've no public spirit, ANSTRUTHER, since you left us to help WOLMER
+to whip up Dissentients."
+
+No appeal from SPEAKER's ruling. MARJORIBANKS had to make the best
+of botched business. Brought to the table a spring snap-extractor,
+a bolt-head screw, and some other odds and ends; poor substitute
+for what he had intended. Still made out admirable case, Government
+mustering majority of only 34 against Motion.
+
+[Illustration: Grandolph's Latest Achievement.]
+
+Just before Midnight, Tithes Bill reached; GEDGE's Amendment still
+blocked the way; Chairman called aloud, "Mr. GEDGE!" no answer;
+place empty. Whilst Members whispering inquiry, Bill passed through
+Committee, and Ministers triumphed. That's all very well, but
+where's GEDGE? CORB, who is developing quite unsuspected gifts in the
+Amateur-detective line, intends to take this matter up when he has
+settled the affair of the Coroner at the BEDFORD inquest.
+
+_Business done_.--Tithe Bill through Committee. Mysterious
+disappearance of SYDNEY GEDGE.
+
+_Thursday Night_.--GRAHDOLPH back again, bringing his sheaves--I mean
+his beard--with him. Hardly knew him at first. No such beard been
+seen in House since MACFARLANE left us. Not quite the same colour; but
+GRANDOLPH could give a handful to MACFARLANE, and win.
+
+"Yes," he said, when I complimented him on so magnificent a result
+achieved in comparatively short time, "when I do a thing, I like to
+do it well. Little awkward at first, you know, specially on a windy
+day; tendency to get between your knees, or wrap itself round your
+neck. But we're growing used to each other, and shall get on nicely
+by-and-by."
+
+More of Tithes Bill. Drearier than ever, now GEDGE's place is empty.
+_Business done_.--Report Stage of Tithes Bill.
+
+_Friday_.--Conversation as to course of public business. OLD MORALITY
+regrets Tithes Bill not through Reporting stage yet. Down on the paper
+for to-night, but didn't think there would be much chance of reaching
+it. So put it down for Monday. If not got through then, must be taken
+on Thursday, and JOHN MORLEY's Resolution on Crimes Act shunted along
+indefinitely. Much regretted this; duty to Queen and Country, &c.;
+but no one had yet discovered the secret of inclosing a quart of fluid
+matter in a glass receptacle not exceeding the capacity of one pint.
+
+Members thus informed that Tithes Bill was taken off _agenda_ for
+to-night, went off; House emptied; and when, at quarter-past Seven,
+CONYBEARE rose to discuss Mining Royalties, was Counted Out.
+
+"Why, bless me!" cried OLD MORALITY, aghast at the news, "here's a
+sitting practically wasted, and we might have used it for the Tithes
+Bill." _Business done_.--Motion to abolish Livery Franchise negatived
+by 148 votes against 120.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ST. VALENTINE'S EVE.
+
+    SCENE--_The outside of a small fancy-stationer's in a
+    back-street. The windows are plastered with highly-coloured
+    caricatures, designed to convey the anonymous amenities
+    prescribed by poetic tradition at this Season of the Year. A
+    small crowd is inspecting these works of Art and Literature
+    with hearty approval._
+
+_First Artisan_. See this 'ere, BILL? (_He spells out with a slow
+relish._)
+
+  "With yer crawlin,' lick-spittle carneyin' ways,
+  Yo think very likely bein' a nippercrit'll pay!
+  Still some day it's certain you'll be found out at lorst
+  As a cringin', sloimy, snoike in the grorss!"
+
+Why, it might ha' been wrote a-purpose for that there little cantin'
+beggar up at our shop--blowed if it mightn't!
+
+_Second Artisan_. Young MEALY, yer mean? But that's cawmplimentry--for
+_him_--that is!
+
+_First A._ But yer see the ideer of it. They've drawed im a snoike,
+all 'cept 'is 'ed, d'ye see? That's why they've wrote "Snoike in the
+Grorss," underneath. Hor-hor! they must be smart chaps to think o'
+sech things as that 'ere, eh? [_They move on._
+
+_First Servant Girl_ (_reading_)--
+
+  "Two squintin' boss-heyes, and 'air all foiry-red.
+  You surely can't ever expect to be wed?
+  Yer nose shows plain you've took to gin.
+  _You_'re a nice party for a wedding-ring!"
+
+I've 'arf a mind to go in and git one o' them to send Missis.
+
+_Second S.G._ (_in service elsewhere_). Oh, I _would_! Go in, SALLY,
+quick. I can lend yer a ap'ny towards it.
+
+_Sally_ (_meditatively_). _I_'d do it--on'y she'd guess 'ood sent it
+her!
+
+_Second S.G._ _Let_ 'er. You can stick 'er out it wasn't _you_.
+
+_Sally_. I could, O' course--but it wouldn't be no use, she'd tell the
+'andwriting on the hongvelope! (_Gloomily._)
+
+_Second S.G._ Oh, if that's all, _I'll_ direct it for yer. Come on,
+SALLY; it will be sech a lark, and then you can tell me all about what
+she said arterwards! [_They enter the shop._
+
+_First Young Person in hat and feathers_ (_reading_)--
+
+  "The female 'art you think you'll mash,
+  By sporting stick-up collars and a la-di-da moustache.
+  But I tell you straight it'll be a long time
+  Before I take you to be _my_ Valentine!"
+
+I do wonder what CHORLEY 'AWKINS would say if I sent him one of them.
+
+_Second Y.P._ But I thought you told me CHORLEY 'AWKINS never took no
+notice of you?
+
+_First Y.P._ No more he does--but p'raps this 'ud _make_ him!
+
+_A Young Woman_ (_who has fallen out with her fiance_). They ain't
+_arf_ Valentines this year, I wish I could come across one with 'orns
+and a tail!
+
+_Elder Sister_ (_to small Brother--in a moral tone_). _Now_, JIMMY,
+you see what comes o' Book-learnin'. If you 'adn't gone to the Board
+School so regular, you wouldn't ha' been able to read all the potry on
+the Valentines like you can now, _would_ yer now?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100. February 14, 1891., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 13252.txt or 13252.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/5/13252/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/old/13252.zip b/old/13252.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bcd4163
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13252.zip