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diff --git a/old/13252.txt b/old/13252.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e86ac91 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13252.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1675 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. +February 14, 1891., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. February 14, 1891. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 22, 2004 [EBook #13252] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +February 14, 1891. + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XXIII.--THE TOLERATED HUSBAND. + +It is customary for the self-righteous moralists who puff themselves +into a state of Jingo complacency over the failings of foreign +nations, to declare with considerable unction that the domestic +hearth, which every Frenchman habitually tramples upon, is maintained +in unviolated purity in every British household. The rude shocks which +Mr. Justice BUTT occasionally administers to the national conscience +are readily forgotten, and the chorus of patriotic adulation is +stimulated by the visits which the British censor finds it necessary +to pay (in mufti) to the courts of wickedness in continental capitals. +It may be that among our unimaginative race the lack of virtue is +not presented in the gaudy trappings that delight our neighbours. Our +wickedness is coarser and less attractive. It gutters like a cheap +candle when contrasted with the steady brilliancy of the Parisian +article. Public opinion, too, holds amongst us a more formidable lash, +and wields it with a sterner and more frequent severity. But it is +impossible to deny that our society, however strict its professed code +may be, can and does produce examples of those lapses from propriety +which the superficial public deems to be typically and exclusively +continental. Not only are they produced, but their production and +their continuance are tolerated by a certain class, possibly limited, +but certainly influential. + +[Illustration] + +Amongst these examples, both of lapse and of toleration, the Tolerated +Husband holds a foremost place. Certain conditions are necessary +for his proper production. He must be not only easy-going, but +unprincipled,--unprincipled, that is, rather in the sense of having +no particular principles of any kind than in that of possessing +and practising notoriously bad ones. He must have a fine contempt +for steady respectability, and an irresistible inclination to that +glittering style of untrammelled life which is believed by those who +live it to be the true Bohemianism. He should be weak in character, +he may be pleasant in manner and appearance, and he must be both poor +and extravagant. If to these qualities be added, first a wife, young, +good-looking, and in most respects similar to her husband, though of +a stronger will, and secondly a friend, rich, determined, strictly +unprincipled, and thoroughly unscrupulous, the conditions which +produce the Tolerated Husband may be said to be complete. + +The Tolerated Husband may have been at one time an officer in a good +regiment. Having married, he finds that his pay, combined with a +moderate private income, and a generous allowance of indebtedness, due +to the gratification of expensive tastes, is insufficient to maintain +him in that position of comfort to which he conceives himself to be +entitled. He therefore abandons the career of arms, and becomes one of +those who attempt spasmodically to redeem commercial professions from +the taint of mere commercialism by becoming commercial themselves. +It is certain that the gilded society which turns up a moderately +aristocratic nose at trade and tradesmen, looks with complete +indulgence upon an ex-officer who dabbles in wine, or associates +himself with a new scheme for the easy manufacture of working-men's +boots. An agency to a Fire and Life Assurance Society is, of course, +above reproach, and the Stock Exchange, an institution which, in the +imagination of reckless fools, provides as large a cover as charity, +is positively enviable--a reputation which it owes to the fancied ease +with which half-a-crown is converted into one hundred thousand pounds +by the mere stroke of an office pen. + +The Tolerated Husband tries all these methods, one after another, with +a painful monotony of failure in each. Yet, somehow or other, he still +keeps up appearances, and manages to live in a certain style not far +removed from luxury. He entertains his friends at elaborate dinners, +both at home and at expensive restaurants; he is a frequent visitor at +theatres, where he often pays for the stalls of many others as well as +for his own. He takes a small house in the country, and fills it with +guests, to whom he offers admirable wines, and excellent cigars. His +wife is always beautifully dressed, and glitters with an array of +jewels which make her the envy of many a steady leader of fashion. +The world begins to ask, vaguely at first, but with a constantly +increasing persistence, how the thing is done. Respectability and +malice combine to whisper a truthful answer. Starting from the axiom +that the precarious income which is produced by a want of success in +many branches of business cannot support luxury or purchase diamonds, +they arrive, _per saltum_, at the conclusion that there must be some +third party to provide the wife and the husband with means for their +existence. His name is soon fixed upon, and his motives readily +inferred. It can be none other than the husband's rich bachelor +friend, the same who accompanies the pair on all their expeditions, +who is a constant guest at their house, and is known to be both lavish +and determined in the prosecution of any object on which he has set +his heart. His heart, in this instance, is set upon his friend's wife, +and the obstacles in his way do not seem to be very formidable. The +case, indeed, is soon too manifest for any one but a born idiot to +feign ignorance of it. The husband is not a born idiot--he either sees +it plainly, or (it may be, after a struggle) he looks another way, +and resigns himself to the inevitable. For inevitable it is, if he is +to continue in that life of indolence and extravagant comfort which +habit has made a necessity for him. So he submits to the constant +companionship of a third party, and, in order to be truly tolerated +in his own household, becomes tolerant in a manner that is almost +sublime. He allows his friend to help him with large subventions of +money; he lets him cover his wife with costly jewels. He is content +to be supplanted without fuss, provided the supplanter never decreases +the stream of his benevolence; and the supplanter, having more wealth +than he knows what to do with, is quite content to secure his object +on such extremely easy terms. And thus the Tolerated Husband is +created. + +It is curious to notice how cheerfully, to all outward appearance, he +accepts what other men would consider a disaster. Before the world +he carries his head high with an assumption of genial frankness and +easy good temper. "Come and dine with us to-morrow, my boy," he will +say to an old acquaintance, "there'll only be yourself and a couple +of others besides ourselves. We'll go to the play afterwards." And +the acquaintance will most certainly discover, if he accepts the +invitation, that the "ourselves" included not only husband and wife, +but friend as well. He will also notice that the last is even more at +home in the house, and speaks in a tone of greater authority than the +apparent host. Everything is referred to him for decision, and the +master of the house treats him with a deferential humility which goes +far to contradict the cynical observation that there is no gratitude +on earth. The Tolerated Husband, indeed, never tires of dispensing +hospitality at the cost of his friend, and though the whole world +knows the case, there will never be a lack of guests to accept what +is offered. + +At last, however, in spite of his toleration, he becomes an +encumbrance in his own house, and, like most encumbrances, he has to +be paid off, the friend providing the requisite annual income. One +after another he puts off the last remaining rags of his pretended +self-respect. He haunts his Clubs less and less frequently, and seems +to wither under the open dislike of those who are repelled by the +mean and sordid details of his despicable story. And thus he drags on +his life, a degraded and comparatively impoverished outcast, untidy, +haggard and shunned, having forfeited by the restriction of his +spending powers even the good-natured contempt of those who were +not too proud to be at one time mistaken for his friends. + + * * * * * + +LABOURS FOR LENT. + +_Emperor of Germany_.--To conciliate the great men who have had to +prefix "Ex" to their official titles since he ascended the Throne. + +_Emperor of Russia_.--To find a resting-place safe from the Nihilists. + +_King of Italy_.--To do without CRISPI, and the Triple Alliance. + +_The Emperor of Austria_.--To master the subject of Home Rule as +applied to Austria, Hungary, and the Bulgarian Nationalities. + +_King of Portugal_.--To settle the Map of Africa with Lord SALISBURY. + +_The President of the French Republic_.--To adapt _Thermidor_ for the +German stage. + +_The President of the American Republic_.--To bless the McKinley +Tariff. + +_The Marquis of Salisbury_.--To consider with his son and heir the +Roman Catholic Disabilities Removal Bill. + +_Mr. W.H. Smith_.--To renew his stock of Copy-book proverbs. + +_Mr. Gladstone_.--To compile and annotate a new volume of _Gleanings_, +containing the _Quarterly_ Article on "Vaticanism," and the speech in +support of the Ripon-plus-Russell Relief Bill. + +_Mr. Goschen_.--To divide the coming Surplus to everyone's +satisfaction. + +_Mr. Balfour_.--To learn to love both wings of the Irish Party. + +_Mr. Justin McCarthy_.--To discover his exact position. + +_Mr. S.B. Bancroft_.--To regard with satisfaction his gift to General +Dealer BOOTH. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JUNIUS JUDEX. + +_A Pindaric Fragment_. (_A long way after Gray_.)] + + Awake, O Themis-twangled lyre, awake, + And give to paeans all thy sounding strings! + Here is a triumph joyfuller than Spring's. + JEUNE smacks of Summer rather, and must take + The cake! + As frescoed heroes cloud-borne progress make, + So--happy apotheosis!--advances + Stately Sir FRANCIS! + See how late-knighted Justice moves along, + High, majestic, smooth and strong, + Through Cupid's maze and Neptune's mighty main + (O Wimpole Street, uplift the strain!) + Toward that proudly portal'd door. + Silk gowns and snowy wigs raise the applausive roar! + O Sovereign of the Social Soul, + Lady of bland and comfort--breathing airs, + Enchanting hostess! Business cares + And Party passion own thy soft control, + In thy saloons the Lord of War + Muffles the wheels of his wild car, + And drops his thirsty lance at thy command. + Smoothed by a snowy hand, + Aquila's self, the fierce and feathered king, + With sleek-pruned plumes, and close-furled wing + Will calmly cackle, and put by + The terrors of his beak, the lightnings of his eye. + Thine the voice, the dance obey; + Tempered to thy pleasant sway, + Blue and Buff, Orange and Green, + In polychromatic harmony are seen, + As on a bright Jeune day. + And now JEUNE triumphs in no minor measure. + Judicial Pomp and Social Pleasure + Now indeed make marvellous meeting. + See with suasion firmly sweet + That brisk trio, gaily greeting + To that portal guide his feet. + Neptune's hoarse hails his friend's approach declare, + Probate, the winged sprite, about must play; + With wanton wings that winnow the soft air + In gliding state Lord Cupid leads the way + To where grave Law must mark, assay, reprove + Wanderings of young Desire, and lures of fickle Love! + + * * * * * + +TOMMY ATKINS'S HARD LOT. + +"TOMMY ATKINS," writing modestly enough to the _Daily Chronicle_ of +the 6th February, complains that the coal supplied by the Authorities +for barrack-rooms, is so limited in quantity that "during the winter +this, as a rule, only lasts about two days" in the week, and TOMMY +and his comrades have to "club-up" to supply the deficiency out of +their own microscopical pay. "In fact" (says T.A.) "I have been in +barrack-rooms where the men have had no fires after the first two +days of the week." _If_ this be so, _Mr. Punch_ agrees with TOMMY in +saying, "Surely this ought not to be!" TOMMY ATKINS may reasonably be +expected to "stand fire" at any season, but not the absence of it in +such wintry weather as we have had recently! + + If this is poor TOMMY ATKINS's lot, + As TOMMY might say, It is all Tommy-rot! + + * * * * * + +COLUMBIA ON HER SPARROW. + +(_WITH APOLOGIES TO WILLIAM CARTWRIGHT._) + + ["The Americans have had enough of the Sparrow (_Passer + domesticus_), and the mildest epithet reserved for him seems + to be that of 'pest.'"--_Daily Chronicle_.] + + Tell me not of joy,--a hum! + Now the British Sparrow's come. + Sent first was he + Across the sea, + Advisers kind did flatter me, + When he winged way o'er Yankee soil, + My caterpillar swarms he'd spoil; + And oh, how pleasant that would be! + + He would catch a grub, and then + _It_ would never feed again. + My fields he'd skip, + And peck, and nip, + And on the caterpillars feed; + And nought should crawl, or hop, or run + When he his hearty meal had done. + Alas! it was a sell, indeed! + + O'er my fields he makes his flight, + In numbers almost infinite; + A plague, alas! + That doth surpass + The swarming caterpillar crew. + What I did I much regret; + _Passer_ is multiplying yet; + Check him I can't. What shall I do? + + The British Sparrow won't depart, + His feathered legions break my heart. + Would _he_ away + I would not, nay! + About mere caterpillars fuss. + Patience with grubs and moths were mine, + Would _he_ but pass across the brine. + _I_ call _Passer Domestic Cuss_! + + * * * * * + +"HERE WE HARE AGAIN!"--There are two Johnnies on the stage. JOHNNY +Senior being J.L. TOOLE (now on his way home from New Zealand), and +JOHNNY Junior, JOHN HARE, both immensely popular as comedians, and +both in high favour with our most illustrious and judicious Patron +of the Drama, H.R.H. the Prince of WALES. It is gratifying to learn +that, after the performance of _A Pair of Spectacles_ at Sandringham, +the Prince presented the Junior of these two Johnnies with a silver +cigar-box. In the right-hand corner of the lid is engraved a hare +looking through a pair of spectacles, and inside is a dedication to +JOHN HARE from ALBERT EDWARD. "Pretty compliment this," as Sir WILL +SOMERS, the Court Jester, might have said,--"to JOHNNY HARE from the +Hare Apparent." + + * * * * * + +THEIR "IBSEN-DIXIT." + +A new set of Faddists has been gradually growing up, not in our midst, +but in the parts about Literature and the Drama. The object of their +cult is, one HENRIK IBSEN, a Norwegian Dramatist, (perhaps it would +be more correct to say, _the_ Norwegian Dramatist,) of whose plays +a pretty sprinkling of scribes, amateur and professional, but all of +the very highest culture, profess themselves the uncompromisingly +enthusiastic admirers. You may not know the Ibsenites or any of their +works, but in their company at least,--that is, supposing yourself so +highly privileged as to be admitted within the innermost circle of the +Inner Ibsen Brotherhood,--_not_ to know IBSEN would be proof positive +of your being in the outer darkness of ignorance, and in need, however +unworthy, of the grace of Ibsenitish enlightenment. Recruits are +wanted in the Ibsenite ranks, so as to strengthen numerically the one +party against the other; for the Ibsenitish sect has so for progressed +as to be at loggerheads amongst themselves; not indeed on any really +essential question, such as would be, for example, any doubt as to +the position of IBSEN as a Dramatist, or as to the order of merit and +precedence to be assigned to his works. No, on such matters they are +apparently at one; but in other matters they are at one another. Thus +the unity appears to be only superficial, a decent plaster hiding the +rift occasioned by one of their number having literally translated +into English IBSEN's latest Norwegian drama, of which translation the +verbal correctness is impugned by another learned Ibsenite. + +Not being "a hardy Norseman," and having neither a reading nor +speaking acquaintance with the Norse language, I am unable to decide +abstruse points on which such learned doctors disagree; but not being +altogether without some practical experience of English and French +drama, I venture to call in question not only the dramatic ability of +the dramatist himself, but also, after perhaps allowing him some merit +as a type-writer or character-sketcher, to assert that the style and +matter of most of his work is always tiresome, frequently childish, +and the subject often morbid and unhealthy; and, further, that his +method is tedious to the last degree of boredom; for, as a writer, if +I may judge him fairly by his translators, he is didactic and prosy, +and never more tedious than when his dialogue is intended to be at its +very crispest. As a playwright his construction is faulty. Here and +there he gives expression to pretty ideas, reminding me (still judging +by the translation) of TOM ROBERTSON, not when the latter was in his +happiest vein, but when laboriously striving to make his puppets talk +in a sweetly ingenuous manner. + +I have never seen any play of IBSEN's on the stage, but I have read +several of them--indeed, as I believe, all that have hitherto been +translated and published in this country. I was prepared to be +charmed, expecting much. I was soon disillusioned, and great was my +disappointment. Then I re-read them, to judge of them not merely as +dramas for the closet, but as dramas for the stage, written to be +acted, not to be read; or, at all events, as far as the general public +were concerned, to be acted first, and to be read afterwards. As +acting dramas, it is difficult to conceive anything less practically +dramatic. I do not know what the pecuniary result of his theatrical +productions may be in his own country--where, I believe, he doesn't +reside--but, out of his own country (say, here in London), I should +say that a one-night's performance, with a house half full, would +exhaust IBSEN's English public, and quite exhaust the patience of +those who know not IBSEN. + +Years ago we had the Chatterton-Boucicault dictum that "SHAKSPEARE +spelt failure." Now, for SHAKSPEARE read "IBSEN," and insert the words +"swift and utter" before "failure," and you have my opinion as to how +the formula would stand with regard to IBSEN. I should be sorry to +see any professional Manager making himself pecuniarily responsible +for the success of such an undertaking, a word which, in its funereal +sense, is of ill omen to the attempt. Let the Ibsenites club +together, lease a theatre, and see how the public likes their show. +There's nothing doing at the Royalty just now; let them pay rent +in advance, and become Miss KATE SANTLEY's tenants; then, if the +IBSEN-worshippers, with their Arch-priest, or ARCHER-priest, at their +head, come to a temporary understanding with the Gosse-Ibsenites, +they could craftily contrive to be invited as guests to a dinner at +the Playwreckers' Club. The _dilettanti_ members of this association +the United Ibsenites could flatter by deferring to the opinions of +their hosts, while inculcating their own, thus securing the goodwill +and patronage of the Playwreckers, a plan nowadays adopted with +considerable success by some of our wiliest dramatists, eager to +secure a free course and be glorified; and so, by making each one of +these mighty amateurs feel that the success of IBSEN in this country +depended on him personally, that is, on his verdict or "_Ibsen +dixit_," a run of, say, perhaps three nights might possibly be +secured, when they could play to fairly-filled houses. One "nicht wi' +IBSEN," one night only, would, I venture to say, be quite enough for +most of us. "Oh, that mine enemy would write a book!" "Oh, that my +enemy would bring out an Ibsenite play," and try to run it! Perhaps he +will. In which case I will either alter my opinion or give him a dose +of ANTI-FAD. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. GLADSTONE'S NEW HOUSE. + +"The house which Mr. GLADSTONE has just taken in Park Lane is, it is +reported, the selection of Mrs. GLADSTONE, who recommends it with a +view to her husband's opportunities for exercise."--_Daily Paper_.] + + * * * * * + +SULLIVANHOE! + +_BRAVISSIMO_, Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN of Ivanhoe, or to compress it +telegraphically by wire, "_Bravissimo Sullivanhoe!_" Loud cries of +"ARTHUR! ARTHUR!" and as ARTHUR and Composer he bows a solo gracefully +in front of the Curtain. Then Mr. JULIAN STURGIS is handed out to him, +when "SULLIVAN" and "JULIAN"--latter name phonetically suggestive of +ancient musical associations, though who nowadays remembers "Mons. +JULLIEN"?--the composer and librettist, bow a duet together. "Music" +and "Words" disappear behind gorgeous new draperies. "All's swell +that ends swell," and nothing could be sweller than the audience on +the first night. But to our tale. As to the dramatic construction of +this Opera, had I not been informed by the kindly playbill that I +was seeing _Ivanhoe_, I should never have found it out from the first +scene, nor should I have been quite clear about it until the situation +where that slyboots _Rebecca_ artfully threatens to chuck herself +off from the topmost turret rather than throw herself away on the bad +Templar _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan_. The Opera might +be fairly described as "Scenes from _Ivanhoe_," musically illustrated. +There is, however, a continuity in the music which is lacking in the +plot. + +[Illustration: All Dicky with Ivanhoe; or, The Long and Short of it.] + +The scenic effects are throughout admirable, and the method, adopted +at the end of each _tableau_, of leaving the audience still more in +the dark than they were before as to what is going on on the stage, is +an excellent notion, well calculated to intensify the mystery in which +the entire plot is enveloped. + +The change of scene--of course highly recommended by the leech +in attendance on the suffering _Ivanhoe_--from the little +second-floor-back in the top storey of the castle tower, where the +stout _Knight of Ivanhoe_ is in durance, is managed with the least +possible inconvenience to the invalid, who, whether suffering from +gout or pains in his side,--and, judging by his action, he seemed +to feel it, whatever it was, all over him,--found himself _and_ his +second-hand lodging-house sofa (quite good enough for a prisoner) +suddenly deposited at the comparatively safe distance of some three +hundred yards or so from the burning Castle of Torquilstone, in which +identical building he himself, not a minute before, had been immured. +So marvellous a flight of fancy is only to be found in an Arabian, not +a Christian, Night's Entertainment. + +The Tournament Scene is a very effective "set," but practically an +elaborate "sell," as all the fighting on horseback is done "without." +Presently, after a fierce clashing of property-swords, sounding +suspiciously like fire-irons, _Ivanhoe_ and _Sir Brian_ come in, +afoot, to fight out "round the sixth, and last." There is refreshing +novelty in Mr. COPLAND's impersonation of _Isaac of York_, who might +be taken for _Shylock's_ younger brother who has been experimenting +on his beard with some curious kind of hair-dye. This comic little +_Isaac_ will no doubt grow older during the run of the piece, but +on the first night he neither looked nor behaved like _Rebecca's_ +aged and venerable sire, nor did Miss MACINTYRE--who, by the +way, is charming as _Rebecca_, and who is so nimble in skipping +about the stage when avoiding the melodramatic _Sir Brian de +Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan_, and so generally active and artful as +to be quite a _Becky Sharp_,--nor, I say, did Miss MACINTYRE seem to +treat her precocious parent (_Isaac_ must have married very young, +seeing that _Becky_ is full twenty-one, and _Isaac_ apparently +very little more than twenty-eight, or, say, thirty) with any +great tenderness and affection; but these feelings no doubt will be +intensified, as she becomes more and more accustomed to her jewvenile +father during the run of the Opera, and he may say to her, as the +Bottle Imp did to his victim, "Ha! Ha! You must _learn_ to love me!" + +[Illustration: The game of "Becky my Neighbour." The Stout Knight lays +low.] + +I have not time to enumerate all the charming effects of the Opera, +but I must not forget the magic property-harp, with, apparently, limp +whip-cord strings, "the harp that once," or several times, was played +by those accomplished musicians, _King Richard_, and _Friar Tuck_, +the latter of whom has by far the most taking song in the Opera, +and which would have received a treble [or a baritone] encore, had +_Barkis_--meaning Sir ARTHUR--"been willin'." The contest between +_Richard_ and the _Friar_ is decidedly "Dicky." Nor must I forget the +magnificent property supper in the first scene, at so much a head, +where not a ham or a chicken is touched; nor must "the waits" between +some of the sets be forgotten,--"waits" being so suggestive of music +at the merriest time of the year. Nor, above all, must I omit to +mention the principal character, _Ivanhoe_ himself, played by Mr. BEN +DAVIES, who would be quite an ideal _Ivanhoe_ if he were not such +a very real _Ivanhoe_--only, of course, we must not forget that he +"doubles" the part. There is no thinness about "_Ben Mio_," whether +considered as a man, or as a good all-round tenor. I did not envy +_Ivanhoe's_ marvellous power of sleep while Miss MACINTYRE was singing +her best, her sweetest, and her loudest. For my part I prefer to +believe that the crafty Saxon was "only purtendin'," and was no more +asleep than _Josh Sedley_ on the eve of Waterloo, or the Fat Boy when +he surprised _Mr. Tupman_ and _Aunt Rachel_ in the arbour, or when he +pinched _Mr. Pickwick's_ leg in order to attract his attention. But, +after all, _Ivanhoe_ and _Rowena_, as THACKERAY remarked, are a poor +namby-pamby pair, and the real heroine is _Rebecca_. The Opera ends +with a "Rebecca Riot." Every one wishes success to the new venture. + +[Illustration: "A1" Saxon Friar.] + +As to the Music,--well, I am not a musician, and in any new Opera when +there is no one tuneful phrase as in _Aida_ or _Tannhaeuser_, which, at +the very first hearing, anyone with half an ear can straightway catch, +and reproduce next day till everyone about him cries, "Oh don't!" and +when, as in this instance, the conducting-composer, Wagnerianly, will +not permit _encores_--where am I? Nowhere. I return home in common +time, but tuneless. On the other hand, besides being certain that +_Friar Tuck's_ jovial song will "catch on," I must record the complete +satisfaction with which I heard the substantial whack on the drum so +descriptive of _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert-sans-Sullivan's_ heavy fall +"at the ropes." This last effect, being as novel as it is effective, +attracted the attention of the wily and observant DRURIOLANUS, who +mentally booked the effect as something startlingly new and original +for his next Pantomime. The combat between the Saxon Slogger, very +much out of training, and the Norman Nobbler, rather over-trained +as the result proved, is decidedly exciting, and the Nobbler would +be backed at long odds. Altogether, the whole show was thoroughly +appreciated by WAMBA JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM. + +NO. I.--THE CLASSICAL SCHOLAR IN REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES. + +You are, let us say, a young professional man in chambers or offices, +incompetently guarded by an idiot boy whom you dare not trust with the +responsibility of denying you to strangers. You hear a knock at your +outer door, followed by conversation in the clerk's room, after which +your salaried idiot announces, "A Gentleman to see you." Enter a dingy +and dismal little man in threadbare black, who advances with an air of +mysterious importance. "I think," he begins, "I 'ave the pleasure of +speaking to Mr.----" (_whatever your name is_.) "I take the liberty of +calling, Mr.----, to consult you on a matter of the utmost importance, +and I shall feel personally obliged if you will take precautions for +our conversation not being over'eard." + +He looks grubby for a client--but appearances are deceptive, and +you offer him a seat, assuring him that he may speak with perfect +security--whereupon he proceeds in a lowered voice. + +[Illustration] + +"The story I am about to reveal," he says, smoothing a slimy tall hat, +"is of a nature so revolting, so 'orrible in its details, that I can +'ardly bring myself to speak it to any 'uming ear!" (_Here you will +probably prepare to take notes._) "You see before you one who is of +'igh birth but low circumstances!" (_At this, you give him up as a +possible client, but a mixture of diffidence and curiosity compels +you to listen._) "Yes, Sir, I was '_fruges consumeary nati_.' I 'ave +received a neducation more befitting a dook than my present condition. +Nursed in the lap of haffluence, I was trained to fill the lofty +position which was to have been my lot. But '_necessitas_,' Sir, +as you are aware, '_necessitas non abat lejim_,' and such I found +it. While still receiving a classical education at Cambridge +College--(praps you are yourself an alumbus of _Halma Mater_? No? I +apologise, Sir, I'm sure)--but while preparing to take my honorary +degree, my Father suddenly enounced, the horful news that he was +a bankrup'. Strip of all we possessed, we were turned out of our +sumchuous 'ome upon the cold world, my Father's grey 'airs were +brought down sorrowing to sangwidge boards, though he is still sangwin +of paying off his creditors in time out of what he can put by from his +scanty hearnings. My poor dear Mother--a lady born and bred--sank by +slow degrees to a cawfy-stall, which is now morgidged to the 'ilt, +and my eldest Sister, a lovely and accomplished gairl, was artlessly +thrown over by a nobleman, to 'oom she was engaged to be married, +before our reverses overtook us. His name the delikit hinstinks +of a gentleman will forbid you to inquire, as likewise me to +mention--enough to 'int that he occupies a prominent position amongst +the hupper circles of Society, and is frequently to be met with in the +papers. His faithlessness preyed on my Sister's mind to that degree, +that she is now in the Asylum, a nopeless maniac! My honely Brother +was withdrawn from 'Arrow, and now 'as the yumiliation of selling +penny toys on the kerbstone to his former playfellers. '_Tantee +nannymice salestibus hirae_,' indeed, Sir! + +"But you ask what befell myself." (_You have not--for the simple +reason that, even if you desired information, he has given you no +chance, as yet, of putting in a word._) "Ah, Sir, there you 'ave me on +a tender point. '_Hakew tetigisti_,' if I may venture once more upon +a scholarly illusion. But I 'ave resolved to conceal nothing--and +you shall 'ear. For a time I obtained employment as Seckertary and +Imanuensis to a young baranit, 'oo had been the bosom friend of +my College days. He would, I know, have used his influence with +Government to obtain me a lucritive post; but, alas, 'ere he could +do so, unaired sheets, coupled with deliket 'elth, took him off +premature, and I was once more thrown on my own resources. + +"In conclusion, Sir, you 'ave doubtless done me the hinjustice to +expect, from all I 'ave said, that my hobjick in obtaining this +interview was to ask you for pecuniary assistance?" (_Here you reflect +with remorse that a suspicion to this effect has certainly crossed +your mind_). "Nothing of the sort or kind, I do assure you. A little +'uming sympathy, the relief of pouring out my sorrers upon a feeling +art, a few kind encouraging words, is all I arsk, and that, Sir, the +first sight of your kind friendly face told me I should not lack. Pore +as I am, I still 'ave my pride, the pride of a English gentleman, and +if you was to orfer me a sovereign as you sit there, I should fling +it in the fire--ah, I _should_--'urt and indignant at the hinsult!" +(_Here you will probably assure him that you have no intention of +outraging his feelings in any such manner._) "No, and _why_, Sir? +Because you 'ave a gentlemanly 'art, and if you were to make sech a +orfer, you would do it in a kindly Christian spirit which would rob it +of all offence. There's not many as I would bring myself to accept a +paltry sovereign from, but I dunno--I might from one like yourself--I +_might Ord hignara mali, miseris succurreary disco_, as the old +philosopher says. You 'ave that kind of _way_ with you." (_You +mildly intimate that he is mistaken here, and take the opportunity +of touching the bell_). "No, Sir, don't be untrue to your better +himpulses. _'Ave_ a feelin 'art, Sir! Don't send me away, after +allowing me to waste my time 'ere--which is of value _to me_, let me +tell yer, whatever _yours_ is!--like this!... Well, well, there's 'ard +people in this world? I'm _going_, Sir ... I 'ave sufficient dignity +to take a 'int ... You 'aven't got even a trifle to spare an old +University Scholar in redooced circumstances then?... Ah, it's easy to +see you ain't been at a University yourself--you ain't got the _hair_ +of it! Farewell, Sir, and may your lot in life be 'appier than--All +right, don't _hexcite_ yourself. I've bin mistook in yer, that's all. +I thought you was as soft-edded a young mug as you look. Open that +door, will yer; I want to get out of this 'ole!" + +Here he leaves you with every indication of disgust and +disappointment, and you will probably hear him indulging in +unclassical vituperation on the landing. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +The Baron is delighted with MONTAGU WILLIAMS's third volume of +_Reminiscences_, published by MACMILLAN & Co. His cheery after-dinner +conversational style of telling capital stories is excellent. He is +not writing a book, he is talking to us; he is telling us a series +of good things, and, quoth the Baron, let me advise you to light your +cigar and sit down in your armchair before the fire, as not only +do you not wish to interrupt him, even with a query, but you feel +inclined to say, as the children do when, seated round you in the +wintry twilight, they have been listening to a story which has deeply +interested them--"Go on, please, tell us another!" The following +interpolated "aside," most characteristic of MONTAGU WILLIAMS's +life-like conversational manner of telling a story, occurs at page +8, where giving an account of a robbery, of which he himself was +the victim, and telling how a thief asked to be shown up to his, the +narrator's room, he says, "The porter, like a fool, gave his consent." +The interpolated "_like a fool_," carries the jury, tells the whole +story, and wins admiration for the sufferer, who is the real hero of +the tale. But beyond the book's merit as an interesting and amusing +companion, it contains some valuable practical suggestions for +relieving the ordinary distress in the poorest districts which ought +to receive attention in the highest quarters. + +To some readers interested in theatrical life, _Polly Mountemple_ +must prove an interesting work of fiction, if a story can be so styled +which, as its author assures his readers with his latest breath, I +should say in his last paragraph (p. 291), "Is a true tale." It is the +story of a "ballet lady" who rises in "the profession" to the dignity +of a speaking part, and is on the point of being raised still higher +in the social scale, and becoming the wife of a real live young +nobleman, when she sensibly accepts a considerable sum of money, +consents to forego her action for breach of promise, and finally +marries a highly respectable acrobat, and becomes the landlady of +the "Man of Kent." The earlier portion is entertaining, especially +to those who are not altogether ignorant of some of the personages, +sketches of whom are drawn by the author, Mr. CHARLES HOLLIS, with, it +is not improbable, considerable fidelity. They are rough sketches, not +by any means highly finished, but then such was the character of the +original models. Before, however, it can be accepted by the general +public as giving an unexaggerated picture of a certain sort of +stage-life, it ought to have the _imprimatur_ or the _nihil obstat_ +of some generally acknowledged head of the profession; for "the +profession" is Hydra-like in this respect--a republican creation, with +many heads. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENCOURAGEMENT. + +_Professional Golfer_ (_in answer to anxious question_). "WEEL, NO, +SIR, AT YOUR TIME O' LIFE, YE CAN NEVER HOPE TO BECOME A _PLAYER_; BUT +IF YE PRACTISE HARD FOR THREE YEARS, YE MAY BE ABLE TO TELL GOOD PLAY +FROM BAD WHEN YE SEE IT!"] + + * * * * * + +THE "PAPER-CHASE." + +_The Hare (with many financial friends) loquitur_:-- + + Here goes! 'Tis a rather new line-- + But that is no very great matter. + If they've faith in a lead, 'tis in mine, + So a tentative trail let me scatter, + The old track of country this time I'll forsake; + I trust they'll not think I have made a mistake? + + That old line of country they know, + Across it for years they've been rangers, + All right, when the going is slow, + When 'tis fast, are they fly to its dangers? + For Hares to raise scares 'midst the Hounds were improper, + But how if the pack come a general cropper? + + Remarkably near it last time, + Though some of 'em didn't suspect it; + But _I_ spy the peril! 'Twere crime + If I did not help them to detect it. + If they don't like my trail they must give me the sack; + I'd rather be bullied than break up the pack. + + They fancy I'll keep the old course, + There or thereabout. But I've a notion! + They'll grumble perhaps, with some force, + But they're not going to flurry G. GOSCHEN. + Of this havresack there have been some smart carriers-- + I'll make 'em sit up, though, the L.S.D. Harriers! + + I love 'em, each supple-shanked lad, + 'Most as much as--Statistics. To trudge it + For _them_ makes my bosom as glad + As--Big Surplus, and Popular Budget; + And so I should like to secure them a run, + Combining snug safety with plenty of fun. + + I don't wont to lessen their speed, + I don't want to hamper their daring; + But rashness won't always succeed-- + Just ask that smart runner, young B-R-NG! + And that's why I'm trying to strike a new line + For our Paper-Chase--catting the "Paper" up fine. + + I scatter it wide. Will it float? + Of course for awhile there's no knowing; + But I shall be able to note, + By the sequel, _which way the wind's blowing_. + There! Look like white-birds, or banknotes, in full flight. + Now, lads, double up! There's not one yet in sight! + + Of course I'm ahead of my field, + As a Hare worth his salt ever should be. + My Hounds, though, are mostly spring-heeled. + Eh? Funk it? I don't think that could be! + The L.S.D. Harriers' lick others hollow + For pluck and for pace. There's the trail,--_will they follow_? + + * * * * * + +"SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST."--You need not go to Holland to see the +Hague. You may find it--him we mean--at DOWDESWELL's Gallery. Here you +can revel in a good fit of the Hague without shivering. Indeed, Mr. +ANDERSON HAGUE, judging from his pictures of North Cambria, seems to +be very fit, and therefore, he may be called an HAGUE-fit. + + * * * * * + +A CAN(NES)DID CONFESSION. + +(_BY A SUFFERING ANGELINA._) + + You write to me, sweetest, with envy + Of "zephyrs" and "summerlike stars;" + You say women, horses, and men vie + In chorus of croups and catarrhs; + You picture me safe from the snarling + Of Winter's tyrannical sway. + This isn't, believe me, my darling, + The Mediterranean way. + + You rave of the "shimmering light on + An ocean pellucidly fair." + You get it, my darling, at Brighton, + And coals that can warm you are _there_: + Of "boughs with hot oranges breaking"-- + Cold comfort, while fortunes we pay + For faggots that mock us in making + Their Mediterranean way! + + You dream of me rapt by a casement + Mimosa caresses and rose; + _This_ window was surely the place meant + For mistral to buffet my nose. + Of tennis and dances and drums in + "That Eden for Eves"--did you say? + Apt phrase! Nothing masculine comes in + Our Mediterranean way. + + And "Esterel's amethyst ranges + Of gossamer shapes"--and the rest. + Good gracious, how scenery changes! + They too have a cold on their chest. + At "delicate lungs," dear, and so on + No more for this climate I'll play, + But homeward in ecstasy go on + My Mediterranean way. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "PAPER-CHASE." + +RIGHT HON. GEO. J. G-SCH-N (_the Hare_). "WONDER WHETHER THEY'LL +FOLLOW?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE OYSTERS AT WHITSTABLE FROZEN IN THEIR BEDS! + +(_See Daily Papers_.)] + + * * * * * + +THE OLD WOMAN AND HER WATER SUPPLY. + +(_AN OLD NURSERY RHYME WITH A NEW BURDEN._) + + There was an old Woman, as I've heard say, + The frost froze her water-pipes fast one day; + The frost froze her water-pipes fast at first, + Till a thaw came at last, and the water-pipes burst. + By came the Company, greedy of gain, + And it cut her water all off at the main, + It cut her water off sharp, if you please, + Though it wasn't _her_ fault that the pipes began to freeze. + It wasn't _her_ fault that the water-pipes burst. + So she had no water for cleansing or thirst, + She had no water, and she began to cry, + "Oh, what a cruel buzzum has a Water Company + But I'll repair the pipes, since so it must be, + And the plumber, I'm aware, will make pickings out of me. + If there's a frost I've no water for my pail, + And if there's a thaw then the rate-collectors rail." + On Law the old Woman is entirely in the dark; + There seems no one to save her from the fresh-water shark; + The shark does what he likes, and she can only cry, + "Who'll help a poor old Woman 'gainst the Water Company?" + + * * * * * + +MOI-MEM. + +"_Moi-Meme_," in the course of his pleasant _Worldly_ wanderings among +things in general, observes, _a propos_ of the younger COQUELIN's +suggestion about lectures by professors of the Dramatic Art to +youthful students, "One can scarcely fancy a more humorous sight than +Mr. TOOLE giving a professional lecture to dramatic aspirants, telling +them when to wink, when to wheeze, when to ''scuse his glove,'" &c. +Now it so happens that when this same idea was first started--or +perhaps revived--some eleven years ago, Professor TOOLE's Lecture to +Students of the Dramatic Art was given in _Mr. Punch's_ pages. The +lecture, one of a series supposed to be given by various actors, +will be found in Vol. LXXVIII., page 93. It appeared on the 28th of +February, 1880. + + * * * * * + +NOTE BY A NOMAD. + + SMITH, of Coalville, imagines that Civilised Man + Falls too much to the rear if he lives in a Van; + But Caravan-dwellers, with force and urbanity, + Declare that SMITH's views of Van life are pure vanity! + + * * * * * + +THE HIGHEST EDUCATION; + +_OR, WHAT IS LOOMING A-HEAD._ + +A Deputation on behalf of the Exasperated Ratepayers' Association +waited yesterday afternoon on the Chairman of the London School +Board at their new and commodious palatial premises erected on the +vast central site recently cleared, regardless of expense, for that +purpose in Piccadilly, and presented a further protest against the +ever-increasing expenditure indulged in by that body. The Chairman, +smilingly intimating that he would hear what the Deputation had to +say, though he added, amidst the ill-suppressed merriment of his +_confreres_, he supposed it was the old sing-song protest, possibly +on this occasion because they had recently directed that the boys +attending the schools of the Board should come in "Eton" suits, +the cost of which naturally fell upon the rates, or some captious +objection of that kind, which it really was a waste of breath to +discuss. However, whatever it was, he added, he was willing to hear +it. + +The Spokesman of the Deputation, a Duke in reduced circumstances, +who ascribed his ruin to the heavy rates he had been called upon to +pay through the extravagance of the Board, and who declined to give +his name, said that though they had not thought the Eton suits a +necessity, still it was not against them that they had to protest. +It was the addition of Astronomy involving the erection (with fitting +first-class instruments) of 341 observatories in the London district +alone, Chinese, taught by 500 native Professors imported from Pekin +for the purpose, horse-riding, yachting, and the church organ (these +last two being compulsory), together with the use of the tricycle, +type-writer, and phonograph, all of which instruments were provided +for every single pupil at the expense of the ratepayers, to the +curriculum of all those pupils who were fitted for the third standard. +The speaker said he knew that it had long been settled that the finest +and most comprehensive education that our advanced civilisation could +supply should be provided for the submerged half of the population, +and they could not grumble at these things, but what they did not +consider necessary was, that a salary should be forthcoming for each +pupil-teacher sufficient to enable him or her to drive down to the +schools in their own carriage and pair. (_Much laughter._) He did not +think it a laughing matter. He would strongly suggest a diminution of +at least L1000 a-year in the salaries of these overpaid officials. + +The Chairman here asked the speaker if he had considered that +"descending" from a carriage was necessarily connected with the +teaching of Deportment, on which the Board set great value? Was he +not aware that some great man had said, wishing to give Deportment its +proper weight as an educational factor, that the Battle of Waterloo +(at least he thought he was quoting correctly) was won at Almacks? +(_Renewed laughter._) Anyhow, he did not consider that L2,500 a-year, +and a house in Mayfair, was at all an excessive remuneration for a +School-Board teacher, as measured by the Board's standard. He thought, +if that was all the Deputation had to urge, that they might have saved +themselves the trouble their protest had cost them. + +The Spokesman having for a few moments consulted with his colleagues, +hereupon turned to the Chairman, and delivering with fearful emphasis +the customary curse on the School Board, its Chairman, and all its +belongings, at the same time thanking the Chairman for his courteous +reception of the Deputation, silently and sulkily withdrew. + + * * * * * + +DRURIOLANUS AND DANCING.--The Fancy Dress Ball--not a "Ball +Marsky"--at Covent Garden, last Tuesday week, was a great success, +on which DRURIOLANUS FORTUNATUS is hereby congratulated. There is to +be a similar festivity, to celebrate _Mi-Careme_. Quite appropriate +this date, when the season is half Lent, and the costumes almost all +borrowed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN APPEAL CASE, HOUSE OF LORDS.] + + * * * * * + +TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING. + + ["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already mortgaged. In + 1892 you may count upon me."--_Mr. KIPLING to Magazine Editor, + who wished to secure him as a Contributor_.] + + Oh, happy man! for whom this world of ours + Is but a ceaseless round of milk and honey, + Who use your wondrous word-compelling powers + For us in telling tales (and making money), + + How you must laugh to rake the dollars in, + The publishers--how badly you must bleed them; + Your tales _are_ good, but yet, ere you begin + On more, just think of us who've got to read them. + + It frightens us to hear your Ninety-One + Is mortgaged--for the prospect's _not_ inviting, + To think of all that may and will be done, + If, through the present year you ne'er cease writing! + + With bated breath we ask, and humble mien-- + We realise how far we come behind you-- + That you will leave _one_ remnant Magazine + In which we may be sure we shall not find you. + + Then will your RUDYARD name with joy be hailed, + And yours will be a never-fading glory, + If, when you're asked to write a _Light that Failed_, + You merely tell us, "That's another story." + + * * * * * + +AN UPPER NOTE. + +Sir,--I mustn't interfere with the diary of TOBY, M.P. But, as he is +not reported as being in the Upper House on this particular occasion, +I cannot help drawing general attention to the dispatch of business +among the Lords on Thursday last. I quote from the Parliamentary +Report in the _Daily Telegraph_, which informed us that + + "The LORD CHANCELLOR took his seat on the Woolsack at a + quarter-past four o'clock." + +Then in came "A New Spiritual Peer." Awful! It sounds like an +apparition in a blood-curdling ghost-story. Where was LIKA JOKO +with his pencil? Well, "the new Spiritual Peer took his oath and his +seat"--why wasn't he called upon for his toast and sentiment?--and +then--what happened? Did their Lordships stay to have a friendly chat +with the new-comer? No, not a bit of it; for the report says, + + "Their Lordships rose at twenty-five minutes to five o'clock." + +So that, in effect, as soon as the new boy came in, and seated +himself, all the old boys went out. There's manners for you! And this +in the Upper House, too!! Yours truly, THE MARQUIZ. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNREGENERATE. + +"ONLY THINK HOW DELIGHTFUL, BOBBIE! THEY'VE DISCOVERED, IN MANUSCRIPT, +AN ENTIRELY NEW WORK BY ARISTOTLE, AND THEY'RE GOING TO PUBLISH IT!" + +"REALLY, MAMMIE? THEN ALL I CAN SAY IS, I'M PRECIOUS GLAD I'VE LEFT +SCHOOL FOR GOOD!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: The Rollit Albert that gathered Three Bills into the +Statute Book.] + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, Feb. 2_.--"I do not," said OLD +MORALITY, a cloud of disappointment settling on his massive brow, +"know any case where, comparatively late in life, after a blameless +career, depravity has so suddenly broken out in a man as it has with +SYDNEY GEDGE. It is true, that upon occasion GEDGE has not given +entire satisfaction to our friends opposite. They hold the opinion +that his incursions in debate have been inopportune, and, in short, +unnecessary; but that is their affair. We have had no ground for +complaint. GEDGE has always voted straight, has appropriately filled +up a dull half-hour when we had to keep a Debate going, and at all +times he has invested our side of the House with a certain _je ne sais +quoi_ of dignity, combined with profound wisdom. And now to go and +break out in this unexpected manner! It is incomprehensible,--would +be, if I had not seen him with my own organs of vision, incredible. We +must make GEDGE a Peer, or a County Court Judge." + +OLD MORALITY's discomposure not unwarranted. GEDGE certainly made our +flesh creep to-night. Of all things in the world, it came about on the +Tithes Bill. In Committee all night; Sir JOHN SWINBURNE spoken several +times; HARCOURT, leading Opposition, made several efforts to inspire +proceedings with a little life, but not to be done. Bill rapidly +slipping through; Amendments to Clauses all disposed of; a few new +ones on paper. Of course not slightest chance of being added to Bill. +One by one moved; Minister objected; Clause negatived; and there +an end of it. Twelve o'clock close at hand; on stroke of Midnight, +Debate must be adjourned; still plenty of time to get the Bill +through Committee. Everything out of the way except new Clause in +name of SYDNEY GEDGE. But GEDGE loyal Ministerialist; not likely _he_ +would interfere with arrangements, and endanger progress of Bill. +HICKS-BEACH, in charge of measure, kept his eye on the clock; three +minutes to Twelve; running it pretty close, but just time to get Bill +through. GEDGE on his feet; quite unnecessary; needn't stand up to +say he would not move his Clause; if he had simply lifted his hat when +Chairman called his name it would be understood that he had sacrificed +his Clause. Dangerous this, dallying on stroke of Midnight. + +To his horror, HICKS-BEACH heard GEDGE beginning to describe purport +of his new Clause. Was going to move it then? Yes. After moment's +horrified pause, Ministerialists broke into angry cries of, "Divide!" +Opposition convulsed with laughter; HICKS-BEACH pale and stern, and +stony silent; SYDNEY GEDGE flushed, conversational, dogged. Even if +Tithes Bill were lost he would explain the bearing of his new Clause. +Scene increasing in hilarity; lasted three minutes: then Midnight +sounded, and SYDNEY sat down, surprised to find he had talked out the +Tithes Bill. + +"You might have knocked me down with a feather," said ALBERT ROLLIT, +who, before opening his lips, had observed the precaution of propping +himself up against the wall. "GEDGE, of all men, to spoil the +Ministerial plan, and imperil their arrangements for the week! It's +all COURTNEY's fault. Since GEDGE tasted COURTNEY's blood, on the +night he interrupted his speech by chatting in the Chair with HERBERT +GARDNER, GEDGE has never been the same man. There's no knowing to what +lengths he may not go." + +_Business done_.--SYDNEY GEDGE broken out again worse than ever. + +_Tuesday_.--MARJORIBANKS rather depressed as he rose to move his +Resolution for appointment of Royal Commission on New Magazine Rifle. +Had hoped to appear under very different circumstances. Meant quite to +put in the shade LYON PLAYFAIR's historic lecture on Margarine, when +he had the tables covered with pots of that substance, with penny +loaves and small knives for Members to sample withal. For weeks +MARJORIBANKS been preparing for occasion. Had possessed himself of +quite an armoury of rifles: intended to bring them into the House and +illustrate his lecture with practical experiments. The climax was to +be the shooting-off scene. BOBBY SPENCER and ANSTRUTHER on in this. +BOBBY standing at the Bar with an apple held on palm of extended right +hand; MARJORIBANKS, using Martini-Henry Rifle, was to clear the apple +off, leaving BOBBY's hair unsinged, and not a wrinkle added to his +collar. ANSTRUTHER was next to stand in the same place, braving the +fire of the Magazine Rifle. But he didn't have an apple, as it was +arranged that the new arm should jam. + +[Illustration: Standing Fire.] + +"Suppose it doesn't?" ANSTRUTHER inquired, when MARJORIBANKS first +unfolded his scheme. + +"Oh, that'll be all right," said MARJORIBANKS, cheerily. + +Long practice on the Terrace made the arrangements perfect, when +they were suddenly upset by interference from unexpected quarter. The +SPEAKER, wondering what all this rifle-popping was, came to hear of +the project; at once said it wouldn't do; no arms of any kind admitted +in House of Commons, except the sword worn by SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, +and once a year the lethal weapons carried by the Naval or Military +gentlemen who move and second Address. BOBBY SPENCER rather glad, +I fancy; ANSTRUTHER not inconsolable. But MARJORIBANKS distinctly +depressed. + +"Not often I occupy time of House," he said. "We Whips make Houses, +and you empty them. DUFF--and he's not a Whip now--made all the +running with his orations on the herring brand. Thought I would make +a hit this time." + +"I was a little afraid of it too," said ANSTRUTHER. + +"Oh, you were all right," said MARJORIBANKS; "the New Magazine Rifle +will not fire unless, after first shot, you clean it out with an oily +rag, and I was going to take precious good care to forget the rag. +You've no public spirit, ANSTRUTHER, since you left us to help WOLMER +to whip up Dissentients." + +No appeal from SPEAKER's ruling. MARJORIBANKS had to make the best +of botched business. Brought to the table a spring snap-extractor, +a bolt-head screw, and some other odds and ends; poor substitute +for what he had intended. Still made out admirable case, Government +mustering majority of only 34 against Motion. + +[Illustration: Grandolph's Latest Achievement.] + +Just before Midnight, Tithes Bill reached; GEDGE's Amendment still +blocked the way; Chairman called aloud, "Mr. GEDGE!" no answer; +place empty. Whilst Members whispering inquiry, Bill passed through +Committee, and Ministers triumphed. That's all very well, but +where's GEDGE? CORB, who is developing quite unsuspected gifts in the +Amateur-detective line, intends to take this matter up when he has +settled the affair of the Coroner at the BEDFORD inquest. + +_Business done_.--Tithe Bill through Committee. Mysterious +disappearance of SYDNEY GEDGE. + +_Thursday Night_.--GRAHDOLPH back again, bringing his sheaves--I mean +his beard--with him. Hardly knew him at first. No such beard been +seen in House since MACFARLANE left us. Not quite the same colour; but +GRANDOLPH could give a handful to MACFARLANE, and win. + +"Yes," he said, when I complimented him on so magnificent a result +achieved in comparatively short time, "when I do a thing, I like to +do it well. Little awkward at first, you know, specially on a windy +day; tendency to get between your knees, or wrap itself round your +neck. But we're growing used to each other, and shall get on nicely +by-and-by." + +More of Tithes Bill. Drearier than ever, now GEDGE's place is empty. +_Business done_.--Report Stage of Tithes Bill. + +_Friday_.--Conversation as to course of public business. OLD MORALITY +regrets Tithes Bill not through Reporting stage yet. Down on the paper +for to-night, but didn't think there would be much chance of reaching +it. So put it down for Monday. If not got through then, must be taken +on Thursday, and JOHN MORLEY's Resolution on Crimes Act shunted along +indefinitely. Much regretted this; duty to Queen and Country, &c.; +but no one had yet discovered the secret of inclosing a quart of fluid +matter in a glass receptacle not exceeding the capacity of one pint. + +Members thus informed that Tithes Bill was taken off _agenda_ for +to-night, went off; House emptied; and when, at quarter-past Seven, +CONYBEARE rose to discuss Mining Royalties, was Counted Out. + +"Why, bless me!" cried OLD MORALITY, aghast at the news, "here's a +sitting practically wasted, and we might have used it for the Tithes +Bill." _Business done_.--Motion to abolish Livery Franchise negatived +by 148 votes against 120. + + * * * * * + +ST. VALENTINE'S EVE. + + SCENE--_The outside of a small fancy-stationer's in a + back-street. The windows are plastered with highly-coloured + caricatures, designed to convey the anonymous amenities + prescribed by poetic tradition at this Season of the Year. A + small crowd is inspecting these works of Art and Literature + with hearty approval._ + +_First Artisan_. See this 'ere, BILL? (_He spells out with a slow +relish._) + + "With yer crawlin,' lick-spittle carneyin' ways, + Yo think very likely bein' a nippercrit'll pay! + Still some day it's certain you'll be found out at lorst + As a cringin', sloimy, snoike in the grorss!" + +Why, it might ha' been wrote a-purpose for that there little cantin' +beggar up at our shop--blowed if it mightn't! + +_Second Artisan_. Young MEALY, yer mean? But that's cawmplimentry--for +_him_--that is! + +_First A._ But yer see the ideer of it. They've drawed im a snoike, +all 'cept 'is 'ed, d'ye see? That's why they've wrote "Snoike in the +Grorss," underneath. Hor-hor! they must be smart chaps to think o' +sech things as that 'ere, eh? [_They move on._ + +_First Servant Girl_ (_reading_)-- + + "Two squintin' boss-heyes, and 'air all foiry-red. + You surely can't ever expect to be wed? + Yer nose shows plain you've took to gin. + _You_'re a nice party for a wedding-ring!" + +I've 'arf a mind to go in and git one o' them to send Missis. + +_Second S.G._ (_in service elsewhere_). Oh, I _would_! Go in, SALLY, +quick. I can lend yer a ap'ny towards it. + +_Sally_ (_meditatively_). _I_'d do it--on'y she'd guess 'ood sent it +her! + +_Second S.G._ _Let_ 'er. You can stick 'er out it wasn't _you_. + +_Sally_. I could, O' course--but it wouldn't be no use, she'd tell the +'andwriting on the hongvelope! (_Gloomily._) + +_Second S.G._ Oh, if that's all, _I'll_ direct it for yer. Come on, +SALLY; it will be sech a lark, and then you can tell me all about what +she said arterwards! [_They enter the shop._ + +_First Young Person in hat and feathers_ (_reading_)-- + + "The female 'art you think you'll mash, + By sporting stick-up collars and a la-di-da moustache. + But I tell you straight it'll be a long time + Before I take you to be _my_ Valentine!" + +I do wonder what CHORLEY 'AWKINS would say if I sent him one of them. + +_Second Y.P._ But I thought you told me CHORLEY 'AWKINS never took no +notice of you? + +_First Y.P._ No more he does--but p'raps this 'ud _make_ him! + +_A Young Woman_ (_who has fallen out with her fiance_). They ain't +_arf_ Valentines this year, I wish I could come across one with 'orns +and a tail! + +_Elder Sister_ (_to small Brother--in a moral tone_). _Now_, JIMMY, +you see what comes o' Book-learnin'. If you 'adn't gone to the Board +School so regular, you wouldn't ha' been able to read all the potry on +the Valentines like you can now, _would_ yer now? + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100. February 14, 1891., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13252.txt or 13252.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/5/13252/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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