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diff --git a/old/13098.txt b/old/13098.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..766a76c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13098.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1795 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, VOL. 100. +Feb. 28, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, VOL. 100. Feb. 28, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 3, 2004 [EBook #13098] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +February 28, 1891. + + + + +SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM. + +NO. II.--THE LITERARY "GHOST." + +[Illustration] + +We will assume, simply for the purposes of this argument, that you, +reader, are an innocent-minded elderly lady, and a regular subscriber +to the Local Circulating Library. You are sitting by your comfortable +fireside, knitting a "cross-over" for a Bazaar, when your little maid +announces a gentleman, who says he has not a card-case with him, but +requests that you will see him. + +"You are sure he _is_ a gentleman, MARY ANN?" you will inquire, with a +slight uneasiness as to the umbrellas in the hall. + +"Oh, a puffict gentleman, Mam," says MARY ANN--"with a respirator." + +Upon this testimony to his social standing, you direct that the +perfect gentleman shall be shown in. + +MARY ANN has not deceived you--he has a respirator, also blue +spectacles, and a red nose. He apologises with fluent humility for +intruding upon you without the honour of a previous acquaintance, and +takes a chair, after which he shifts his respirator to his chin, sheds +a pair of immense woollen gloves into his hat, and produces a bundle +of papers, over which he intreats you to cast an eye. On perusing +them, they prove to be letters from various eminent authors, whose +names are, more or less, familiar to you. These documents are more +interesting as autographs than from any intrinsic literary merit, for +they all refer to remittances for various amounts, and regret politely +that the writer is not in a position to obtain permanent employment +for his correspondent. While you are reading them, your visitor pays +assiduous court to your cat--which impresses you favourably. + +"Possibly, Madam," he suggests, "you may be personally acquainted +with some of those gentlemen?" When you confess that you have not that +honour, he seems more at his ease. + +"I asked," he says, "because I have long heard of you as a Lady of +great taste and judgment in literary matters--which, after seeing you, +I can the more readily understand." + +It is a fact that several of your nieces and female neighbours are in +the habit of declaring that they would rather take your opinion on a +novel than that of all the critics; still, you had not expected your +fame to have spread so wide. + +"I had another motive," he confesses, "because, if you were intimate +with any of these authors, I should naturally 'esitate to say anything +which might have the effect of altering your opinion of them. As +it is, I can speak with perfect freedom--though in the strictest +confidence. You see before you, Madam, an unfortunate bean, whom +circumstances have 'itherto debarred from ever reaping the fruit of +his own brine! Well may you remark, 'Your Gracious Goodness'"--(_your +natural astonishment having escaped you in the shape of this +invocation_)--"for in your goodness and in your graciousness rests my +sole remaining 'ope. I was endowed from an early age with a fertile +and versatile imagination, and creative powers which, without vanity, +I may say, were of a rather superior class. The one thing I lacked was +inflooence, and in the world of letters, Madam, as I am sure you +do not need to be informed, without inflooence Genius is denied a +suitable opening. At several literary Clubs in the West End I made +the acquaintance of the authors whose letters you have just had the +opportunity of reading--men who have since attained to the topmost +pinnacle of Fame. At that time they were comparatively obscure; they +'eard my conversation, they realised that I 'ad ideers, of which they +knew the value better, perhaps, than I did myself. I used to see them +taking down notes on their shirt-cuffs, and that, but I took no notice +of it at the time. Probably you have read the celebrated work of +fiction by Mr. GASHLEIGH WALKER, entitled, _King Cole's Cellars_? I +thought so. I gave him the plot, scenery and characters complete, for +that story. I did, indeed." + +"And do you mean to say he has taken all the credit himself!" you +exclaim, very properly shocked. + +"If he has," he replies, meekly, "I am far from complaining--a +shilling or two was an object to me at that time. And it got me +more work of the sort. There's _Booty Bay_, now, the book that made +ROBERTSON--_that_ was took down, word for word, from my dictation, +in a back parlour of one of LOCKHART's Cocoa-Rooms. I got fifteen +shillings for that. _He_ got, I daresay, 'undreds of pounds. Well, _I_ +don't grudge it to him. As he said, I ought to remember he had all the +_manual_ labour of it. Then there's that other book which has sold +its thousands, _Four Men in a Funny_--that was mine--all but the last +chapter; he _would_ put in that, and, in _my_ opinion, spoilt it, from +an artistic point. But what could I do? It was out of _my_ 'ands! I +must say I never anticipated myself that it would be so popular. 'I +should be robbing you,' I said, 'if I took more than ten shillings for +it.' All the same, it turned out a good bargain for him. Then there's +the Drama, you would hardly credit it that I could name three leading +theatres at this present moment where pieces are running which came +originally out of _my_ 'ed! But it's no use my saying so--no one would +believe it. And now I've 'elped all these men up the ladder, they can +do without me--they can go alone--or think they can. See the way they +write--not a word about owing anything to my 'umble services, a postal +order for three-and-six; but that's the world all over!" + +"But surely," you will sympathetically observe, "you will expose them, +you will insist on sharing in the reward of your labours--it is a duty +you owe to the public, as well as yourself!" + +[Illustration: "Slow rises worth by poverty depressed."] + +"So I've been told, Madam. But what can I do?--I'm a poor man. 'Slow +rises worth, by poverty depressed,' as POPE, or GOLDSMITH--for a +similar idea occurs in both--truly observes. To put my case before the +public as it _ought_ to be put, I should first have to gain the ear of +the Press--and you want a golden key to do that, nowadays. The Press +is very reluctant to run down successful writers. 'Hawks won't pick +out Awkses heyes,' as BURNS remarks. (_By this time you are probably +fumbling for your purse, which, as usual, is at the bottom of +your work-basket._) No, they will find me out some day--after I'm +dead and gone, most likely! In the meantime I envy nobody. I have +the consciousness of Genius, and--I'm sure your generosity is +overwhelming, Madam--I really never ventured to--Pardon these +tears; it is the first time my poor talents have ever obtained such +recognition as this! Could you crown your favours by giving me the +names and addresses of any charitable friends and neighbours whom +you think at all likely to follow your noble example?... I thank you +from my heart, Madam, and, when I succeed in recovering my literary +in'eritance, and am called upon to issue a collected edition of my +works, I shall take the liberty of inscribing on the title-page a +dedication to the generous benefactress who first 'elped to restore my +fallen fortunes!" + +With this he seals his lips again with the respirator, pockets his +documents and your donation, and bows himself gratefully out, leaving +you to meditate on the unscrupulousness of popular Authors, and the +ease with which a confiding public is hoodwinked. + + * * * * * + +M.P. MANFIELD, M.P. + + Northampton's new Member an honour can claim + On which he need set little store: + He now has M.P. written after his name, + But he always had M.P. before. + + If every M.P. in the lobby counts one, + To the _Ayes_, or the _Noes_, walking through, + Does logic demand, in each case, _pro_ and _con._, + M.P. MANFIELD, M.P., should count two? + + * * * * * + +CHANCE FOR SPINSTERS OF AN UNCERTAIN AGE.--There is to be a Mahommedan +Mission in England. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE WATER BABIES AND THE ROYAL GODMOTHER."] + + * * * * * + +BRAVO, BAGSHAWE! + + A lady of Bedford, despotic and rash, + Tried to force her poor groom to shave off his moustache. + Judge BAGSHAWE the wise, made her pay for her prank. + This makes one inclined to sing, "_I know a Bank_," + Where BAGSHAWE might bring common-sense, for a change; + They're worse than the Lady of Goldington Grange, + These Banking Bashaws with three tails, who must clip + Nature's health-giving gift from a clerk's chin or lip. + Bah! What _are_ they fit for, these stupid old rules? + To be shaped by rich tyrants, obeyed by poor fools! + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +ENGLISH HISTORY.--I have been reading several books on this subject, +and am rather puzzled. Are the English people, _as existing now_, +Teutons, or Danes, or Celts, or what? Can we be Teutons when the +aborigines of these islands were not Teutonic? I feel that my own +genius--and I have a lot--is Celtic; at the same time I have always +prided myself on my Norman blood; yet from my liking for the sea, +which never makes me sick, at least at Herne Bay, I fancy I must +be descended from a Scandinavian Viking. What is the ethnological +name given to a person who is an amalgamation of such heterogeneous +elements?--INQUIRER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOUCHING CONFIDENCE IN THE FOG. + +_Gentleman of Engaging Manners._ "BLESS YOUR 'EART, YOU'LL BE HALL +RIGHT ALONG O' ME, MUM! LET ME KERRY THE LITTLE BAG FOR YOU, MUM!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BRUM AND THE OOLOGIST. + + [Mr. W. JAMES asked the LORD ADVOCATE whether his attention + had been called to a circular, issued from Birmingham by the + Naturalists' Publishing Company, inviting applications for + shares in "An Oological Expedition to the land of the Great + Auk," meaning the Shetland Isles, and stating that, "if + the season is a pretty fair one, a haul of at least twenty + thousand eggs" of rare sea-birds might be expected.--_Daily + Paper_.] + + The "Brum" and the Oologist + Were walking hand in hand; + They grinned to see so many birds + On cliff, and rock, and sand. + "If we could only get their eggs," + Said they, "it would be grand." + + "If we should start a Company + To gather eggs all day, + Do you suppose," the former said, + "That we could make it pay?" + "We might," said the Oologist, + "On the promoting lay!" + + "Then you've a tongue, and I a ship, + Likewise some roomy kegs; + And you might lead the birds a dance + Upon their ugly legs; + And, when you've got them out of sight, + I'll steal their blooming eggs." + + "Oh, Sea-birds," said the Midland man, + "Let's take a pleasant walk! + Perhaps among you we may find + The Great--or lesser--Auk; + And you might possibly enjoy + A scientific talk." + + The skuas and the cormorants, + And all the puffin clan, + The stormy petrels, gulls, and terns, + They hopped, and skipped, and ran + With very injudicious speed + To join that oily man. + + "The time has come," remarked the Brum, + "For 'talking without tears' + Of birds unhappily extinct, + Yet known in former years; + And how much cash an egg will fetch + In Naturalistic spheres." + + "But not _our_ eggs!" replied the birds, + Feeling a little hot. + "You surely would not rob our nests + After this pleasant trot?" + The Midland man said nothing but,-- + "I guess he's cleared the lot!" + + "Well!" said that bland Oologist, + "We've had a lot of fun. + Next year, perhaps, these Shetland birds + We'll visit--with a gun; + When--as we've taken all their eggs-- + There'll probably be none!" + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +DIVORCE FACILITIES.--I should like to be informed in what part of +the United States it is that a Divorce is granted in half-an-hour, at +a merely nominal fee, on the ground of conscientious objections to +monogamy? What is the cost of getting there, and would it be necessary +that my wife should go there too? There might be a difficulty in +persuading her to take the journey. + +INCOMPATIBILITY. + + * * * * * + +A CANADIAN CALENDAR. + +(_TO BE HOPED NOT PROPHETIC._) + +1892. Reciprocity firmly established between the Dominion and the +U.S.A. + +1893. Emigration ceases between the Dominion and the Mother Country, +and trade dies out. + +1894. Return from Canada of families of the best blood to England and +France. + +1895. Great increase of the Savage Indian Tribes in the country, and +the Improvident Irish Population in the towns of the Dominion. + +1896. Practical suspension of trade between the Dominion and the +U.S.A., the latter having now attained the desired object of shutting +out goods of British manufacture from the American market. + +1897. England refuses to assist Canada in resenting Yankee +encroachment in the seal fisheries. + +1898. Canada asks to be annexed to the U.S.A. + +1899. After some hesitation Uncle SAM consents to absorb the Dominion. + +1900. Canada becomes a tenth-rate Yankee State. + + * * * * * + +THE DICTUM OF DIOGENES. + + "One Man, One Vote!" A very proper plan + If you with each One Vote can find--One _Man_! + + * * * * * + +MRS. GRUNDY TO MR. GOSCHEN. + + The Three per Cents, the Three per Cents, + Serene but mortal Three, + In view of recent sad events, + Oh! give them back to me. + Oh! GOSCHEN, Sir, kind gentleman, + Hear my polite laments; + Restore this trio, if you can-- + Those musical Per Cents. + + My income once was safe, if small; + It's larger, but unpaid, + Despite "the quite phenomenal + Development of Trade." + The "Bogus Man" is on the track, + And queer "Financial Gents" + Have promised me in white and black + Their Six and Ten per Cents. + + The Three per Cents were regular, + Respectable, and good. + Their health was such that "under par" + They very seldom stood; + They needed no "conversion" rash, + Like Darker Continents; + A sort of Sunday turned to cash + They were, my Three per Cents. + + A distant river somewhere rolls, + The wicked River Plate; + Upon its _banks_ there flourish souls + Perverse and reprobate. + Ah, send your missionaries _there_! + If haply it repents, + I'll not surrender Eaton Square + For Surrey's wild or Kent's. + + Not I alone; the best that breathe, + Archbishop, Duke, and Lord, + Your bust with chaplets rare will wreathe, + This boon if you'll accord. + How can we by example shame + The mob who mock at rents, + If we are left to do the same + Without our Three per Cents? + + Reft of a carriage, life is poor: + A well-conducted set + Needs ready money to procure + Their butler and _Debrett_. + The country totters to its fall, + Disgraced to all intents, + Unless you instantly recall + Our solid Three per Cents. + + * * * * * + +THE FLOWERLESS FUNERAL. + +(_BY A FLOWER MERCHANT._) + + Funeral Reform? Oh! just a fad,-- + Its advocates, in fact, as bad + As those who want Cremation. + A set of foolish, fussy fools + Whose misplaced ardour nothing cools-- + A nuisance to the nation! + + Economy, they're all agreed, + Should be with them a cult and creed, + Simplicity a passion. + They'd quickly wreck this trade of ours, + Since they would scorn the use of flowers, + If they could set the fashion! + + Yes; parsons agitate, but these + Good gentlemen all take their fees-- + We thank them much for giving + Such good advice upon this head, + But recollect that from the dead + We've got to get our living! + + * * * * * + +CHORUS OF THE OBJECTORS TO THE PROPOSED LORD'S TUNNEL +RAILWAY.--"WATKIN the matter be!" + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XIV.--LE PETROLIUM; OU, LES SALOPERIES PARISIENNES. + +(_Par Zorgon-Gola, Auteur de "Toujours Poivre," "Charbon et Crasse," +"La Fange," "499 Pages d'Amour," "Le Pourvoyeur Universel," "Une +Reveuse qui vise l'Academie_.") + +I.--LA FAMILLE. + +Si vous voulez voir les _Slums_ Parisiens et comprendre le +Peuple--avec la majuscule--vous devez visiter les Saloperies, faubourg +au dela de Belleville et de Menilmontant, faubourg ou les femmes +sortent le matin en cheveux--ca ne veut pas dire comme Lady GODIVA, +mais simplement sans chapeau--acheter de la charcuterie; et ou vers +minuit dans des bouges infects les hommes se coupent le gavion, en +bons zigs, apres une soiree de rigolade. C'est ici qu'on trouve des +admirables exemplaires de cette nombreuse famille EGOU-OGWASH, qui, +datant de PHARAMOND, peuple Paris et joue tous les roles dans la +comedie humaine. Ce n'est pas une famille tout a fait vieille roche, +voyez-vous: au contraire, ca commence dans la boue de Provence et +finit dans les egouts de Paris; mais elle est distinguee, tout de +meme. Elle a son epilepsie hereditaire, belle et forte epilepsie qu'on +trouvera partout dans cette vingtaine de romans que je suis resolu +d'ecrire au sujet des EGOU-OGWASH. C'est une epilepsie genealogique. +Il y en a pour toute la famille. + +II.--LES POPPOT. + +JANE POPPOT se promenait sur le Boulevard des Saloperies par une belle +matinee d'aout. En cheveux, panier sur le bras, elle allait acheter +de la charcuterie pour le dejeuner de son mari, oui, son mari pour de +bon, chose unique dans la famille OGWASH, un vrai mariage a la Mairie +et a l'eglise. Cette petite blonde, JANE, a ses idees a elle de se +ranger, de vivre en honnete femme avec son respectable JEAN POPPOT +qui l'adore, au point de lui pardonner tout le volume premier de son +histoire. + +[Illustration] + +Il n'y a pas dans tout Paris menage plus gentil que le petit +appartement au septieme des POPPOT dans une cite ouvriere de ce +Betnal Grin Parisien. Tout va bien avec ces braves gens. Lui, c'est le +Steeple-Jack de Paris, ou il fait les reparations de tous les toits. +Elle, blanchisseuse de fin, a developpe un secret dans la facon +d'empeser les plastrons de chemises. Elle fait des plastrons +monumentaux, luisants, dur comme l'albatre. Elle a des clients dans +le beau monde et a l'etranger, jusqu'au Prince de BALEINES, qui lui +confie ses chemises de grande toilette, celles qu'il porte au diner +du Lor Maire, par exemple. + +JANE achete sa charcuterie, et apres elle s'arrete au coin de la rue +pour regarder Paris. C'etait un tic qu'elle avait, de regarder Paris. +Cela tenait de la famille OGWASH. Instinct de race. + +Paris, vu du hauteur des Saloperies, semble une grande marmite pleine +de boue et de sang, ou les gens grouillent, se tordent, s'empiffrent, +se devorent, et _squirment_ dans leur propre graisse, comme de la +blanchaille sautant dans l'huile bouillante. Un nuage de _sewer-gaz_ +monte jusqu'a JANE stationnee sur la hauteur de Belleville; et dans +cette brume puante elle sent l'odeur de femmes et de l'ognon, le +cognac, le meurtre, le fricot, le mont de piete, les omnibus, les +croquemorts, les gargotes, les bals a l'entree libre pour dames, tout +ce qu'il y a de funeste et de choquant dans cette ville infecte. + +JANE s'amuse a flairer toutes ces horreurs pendant que le pauvre +POPPOT danse devant le buffet en attendant l'arlequin ou le demi kilo +de charcuterie assortie dans le panier de sa femme. + +III.--DEGRINGOLADE. + +Elle a degringole. Cela a commence tout doucement en trainant ses +savates. Quand une femme degringole elle traine ses savates. C'est une +loi universelle. L'on ne degringole pas sans trainer ses savates; l'on +ne traine pas ses savates sans degringoler. Ainsi gare aux souliers +ecules. O, mais elle est changee, cette pauvre p'tite blonde! La +maladie hereditaire des EGOU-OGWASH vient d'etre indiquee. POPPOT, ce +brave POPPOT, lui aussi il degringole, il resemble a un reverbere sur +le boulevard dont on oublie d'eteindre le gaz. Il est allume du matin +au soir. + +Ca a commence si gentiment apres que ce bon Steeple-Jack etait tombe +du faite de Notre Dame, ou il faisait des reparations. Le pauvre homme +a fait cette chute en regardant JANE, qui dansait le cancan sur la +Place du Parvis pour choquer ces cretins de _Cook-tourists_, et pour +distraire son mari. C'etait pendant la convalescence de POPPOT que +la degringolade a commence. JANE lui donna un de a coudre de vilain +cognac, et de ce premier doigt de casse-poitrine a l'ivrognerie +brutale n'etait qu'une glissade, presque aussi rapide que la glissade +de Notre Dame. POPPOT trainait ses savates; il chomait; il rigolait; +il gardait le Saint Lundi; il passait des journees devant le buffet +du Petrolium, ce grand cabaret du peuple ou l'on voyait distiller le +trois-six pour tout le quartier. + +JANE faisait pire que degringoler; elle cascadait. Elle ne se +debarbouillait plus. Elle avait pris en horreur le savon. Est-ce +une aversion hereditaire, datant de la premiere femme qui a senti +la puanteur de cet abominable savon francais, avant la bienfaisante +invention de M. POIRES? Sans doute c'etait l'atavisme en quelque +forme. Elle avait son beguin. C'etait le linge sale. Plus il etait +sale, plus elle en raffolait. Elle ne voulait plus les chemises +en batiste fine du Prince de BALEINES. Elle priait les aristos +du Jockey Club de donner leurs plastrons a d'autres. Les clients +qu'elle preferait etaient les porte-faix, les forts de la halle, les +chauffeurs du chemin de fer. C'etait en allant chercher le linge de +ces derniers qu'elle entrait sans le savoir dans le Dedale de cette +voie ferree qui enlace et ecrase les etres vivants comme les grandes +roues des locomotives ecrasent la poussiere de la voie. + +Le President du P.L.M. lui aussi avait son beguin hereditaire. Il +courait les femmes malpropres. Plus elles ne se debarbouillaient +pas, plus il les courait. C'etait innocent. Il les admirait du cote +esthetique. Cela tenait de la famille, puis de ce que lui aussi etait +de la vieille souche des EGOU-OGWASH. Il s'allumait en lorgnant la +figure noircie de cette pauvre JANE, et la rencontrant dans la gare un +jour il se permit un pen de _flirtage_ sans penser a mal. Mais par une +fatalite, POPPOT, affreusement paf, descendait d'une quatrieme classe +au moment ou le vieux baisait la main crasseuse de JANE, en lui disant +son gentil bon soir: et des cet instant POPPOT voyait rouge. + +IV.--SURINADE. + +IL voyait rouge. Paris lui semblait un abattoir. Il couvait le +meurtre, et pour l'aider il avait un complice qui etait du metier, +JACQUES RISPERE, conducteur de machines sur le P.L.M., qui avait aussi +sa manie hereditaire, et sa manie a lui etait de couper les gorges. +Il les coupait sans rancune, a l'improviste, en souriant a sa victime, +les yeux dans les yeux. Cric! c'etait fait. Par exemple il est +descendu un jour de la locomotive et devant le buffet d'une station +ou il n'y avait pas trop de monde il a surine la _barmaid_ qui lui +souriait en lui vendant une brioche. Il a egorge son chauffeur au +risque d'arreter le train de luxe entre Avignon et Marseilles. On ne +le punit pas. Cela tenait de la famille. + +"Touche la, mon drole! C'est convenu," dit JACQUES RISPERE, apres +un entretien de quelques heures devant le buffet du Petrolium. "Moi, +j'arrangerai tout cela avec les fonctionnaires. Le train arrivant de +Geneve doit passer le Rapide entre Macon et Dijon. Il ne passera pas. +Je retarderai le train omnibus arrivant de Marseilles. J'accelererai +le _train-luggage_ arrivant de Paris. Il y aura une melee de quatre +trains, entrechoques, tordus, enlaces, faisant le _pique-a-baque_: +et pendant cette melee j'egorgerai ce vieux mufe de President. C'est +simple." + +"Comme bon jour," repondit POPPOT, aveuglement soul. + +RISPERE tenait parole. A onze heures du soir il y avait une de +ces catastrophes qui font fremir l'Europe voyageuse. L'assassin ne +s'arretait pas a la gorge du President. Le vieil aristo n'avait pas +assez de sang pour assouvir la soif meurtriere de l'epileptique. +RISPERE egorgea tout le monde, a tort et a travers, une veritable +tuerie. On le prit les mains rouges, la bouche blanche d'ecume. +C'etait la vraie epilepsie d'ESQUIROL. + +Quant a POPPOT personne n'a soupconne sa complicite dans ce crime +gigantesque. Lui et JANE se soulent paisiblement du matin an soir +devant le buffet du Petrolium, en amis. Ils deviennent tous les jours +plus pauvres, plus paresseux, et plus poivres. Ainsi c'est facile de +prevoir leur fin:-- + +L'hopital, trente pages de delire alcooelique, et la fosse commune. + +_Note de l'Auteur_.--C'est mon intention irrevocable de finir ma +vingtaine de romans sur la famille OGWASH, et je compte avec plasir +offrir les dix-neuf a suivre a mon ami estime, _Ponche_. + + * * * * * + +LISTENING TO THE GENTLE KOOEN. + +_Maid Marian_ is "a Comic Opera in Three Acts," at least so I gather +from the title-page of the book and from the programme of the Prince +of Wales's Theatre; though where the comicality comes in, except +occasionally with Mr. MONKHOUSE, it would require _Sam Weller's_ "pair +o' patent double million magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra power" +to detect. Mr. LE HAY, too, has nothing like the opportunity which was +given him in _Prince Bulbo_. Now, when in a so-called Comic Opera your +two principal low comedians have very little to do, say, or sing, and +when that little is not of a particularly side-splitting character, +and when the plot is not replete with comic situations, such a work +must depend for its success on the freshness of its melodies, on +the popularity of its _artistes_, and on the excellence of its +_mise-en-scene_. + +[Illustration: Libretto by Smith. As he appears in Act III., +"hammering at it."] + +As to the last of these essentials, if, perhaps, it is not so +brilliantly placed on the stage as some other shows have been, yet +there is plenty of Harrisian movement, due always to the devices in +stage-management of CHARLES of that ilk, who certainly knows how to +keep the Chorus moving and the game alive generally. + +The yet existing admirers of the once enormously popular composer, +OFFENBACH, among whom I certainly include myself, will be much +gratified by the delicately introduced reminiscences of the work of +that master of _opera bouffe_ which occasionally crop up during the +performance of _Maid Marian_. If it be permissible for great Masters +to repeat themselves, as notably more than one has done, may not +little Masters exhibit the results of their profound studies in the +schools of popular Composers? Surely they may; and was I not pleased +with Mr. DE KOOEN (whose name seems to suggest "the voice of the +turtle,"--the dove, not the soup) when his prelude to the Third Act +distinctly recalled to my attentive mind the celebrated unison effect +in _L'Africaine_, only without the marvellous jump, which, when first +heard, thrilled the audience, and compelled an enthusiastic encore? +Then Miss VIOLET CAMERON sang a song about the bells, with a chorus +not in the least like that in _Les Cloches de Corneville_ you +understand, because the latter, I think, is performed without the +bells sounding, but in this there is a musical peal which intensifies +the distinction between the two. This "number" was encored heartily, +nay, I think it was demanded three times, and came just at the right +moment to freshen up the entertainment. In the previous Act Miss +ATTALIE CLAIRE had had a good song which had also obtained an encore, +thoroughly well deserved as far as her singing was concerned. + +I forget what Mr. COFFIN had to sing, but, whatever it was, he did it +more than justice, as did also the _basso profondo_, whose efforts +in producing his voice from, apparently, his boots, were crowned with +remarkable success. + +The _Friar Tuck_ here is a kind of good old-fashioned burlesque Friar, +more like that one some years ago at the Gaiety, in _Little Robin +Hood_ than the Friar in _Ivanhoe_. But I should say that this Friar +would be uncommonly thankful to have got anything like the song that +Sir ARTHUR has given _his_ Friar over the way, or something even +as good as Mr. DALLAS had to sing, years ago, in REECE's Gaiety +Burlesque. However, perhaps it was not intended for a singing part, +and perhaps the actor who plays it is not a professional singer. We're +not all of us born with silver notes in our chests. + +I see that Mr. HORACE SEDGER announces the drama in action, entitled +_L'Enfant Prodigue_, which recently made such a hit in Paris. Wonder +how it will go here. Not knowing, can't prophesy. + +PRIVATE BOX. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The Baron thanks Sir HENRY THOMPSON for his _Food and Feeding_, which +(published by WARNE & Co., a suggestive name) has reached its sixth +edition. It is, indeed, an entertaining work, and a work that all +honest entertainers should carefully study. It will delight alike the +host and the guest. To the first, Sir HENRY, being a host in himself, +can give such valuable advice as, if acted upon, will secure the ready +pupil a position as a Lucullus of the first class; and, even when +so placed, he will still have much to learn from this Past Grand +Master in the art of living well and wisely. "_Fas est ab 'hoste' +doceri_"--and a better host it would be difficult to find as teacher +than Sir HENRY THOMPSON, P.G.M., to whose health and happiness the +Baron quaffs a bumper of burgundy of the right sort and at the right +time. Most opportunely does this book appear in the season of Lent, +which may be well and profitably spent in acquiring a thorough +knowledge of how to turn to the best account the fleshpots of Egypt, +when the penitential time is past, and the yolk of mortification is +thrown off with the welcome return of the Easter Egg. Read attentively +what our guide and friend has to say about salads, especially note +his remarks on the salad of "cold boiled table vegetables." His +arrangement of the _menu_, to the Baron's simple taste, humble mode of +life, and not inconsiderable experience, is perfect. _Hors d'oeuvres_ +are works of supererogation, and have never been, so to speak, +acclimatised in our English table-land. The Baron may have overlooked +any directions about _ecrivisses_, not as _bisque_, but pure and +simple as cray-fish, which, fresh from the river and served hot and +hot come in late but welcome as an admirable refresher to the palate, +and as a relish for the champagne, though the Baron is free to admit +that the dainty manipulation of them is somewhat of a trial to the +inexperienced guest, especially in the presence of "Woman, lovely +Woman." "Hease afore helegance," was _Mr. Weller's_ motto, but "Ease +combined with elegance" may be attained in a few lessons, which any +skilled M.D.E. (i.e., _Mangeur d'ecrivisses_) will be delighted to +give at the well-furnished table of an apt and ardent pupil. Once +more "_Your_ health, Sir HENRY!" that's the Baron's toast (bread not +permitted) in honour of the eminent practician who does so much for +the health of everybody. + +That a considerable number of novel-readers like _Saint Monica_, by +Mrs. BENNETT-EDWARDS, is evident, because it has reached its sixth +edition, but that the Baron is not one of this happy number he is fain +to admit. _Saint Monica_ seems to him to be a story with which the +author of _As in a Looking-Glass_ might have done something in his +peculiar way. It begins with promise, which promise is not justified +by performance. + +[Illustration] + +Who does not welcome the works of HAWLEY SMART, the brightest of our +novelists? This is not a conundrum, and, consequently, has no answer. +Everybody likes the books of our literary Major, and everybody will +be pleased with _The Plunger_. The new Story is in two volumes, and is +full of incident. There is a murder, which carries one through, from +the first page to the last, in a state of breathless excitement. Not +that the tale commences with the tragedy. But its anticipation is as +delightful as its subsequent realisation; and, when the mystery is +solved, joy becomes universal. The story is told with so light a hand, +that it may be truly said that the only "heavy" thing about the book +is its title. + +_The Autobiography of Joseph Jefferson_ is a good stout volume, full +of portraits and interest from beginning to end, forming an important +addition to the theatrical history of the day. The Baron drinks to his +old friend, the greatest _Rip_ that ever lived. "Here's your health, +and your family's, and may you live long, and prosper!" says, +heartily, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SATIETY. + +"OH, MAMMY DARLING, WHY CAN'T THE TOYSHOP-MAN CALL FOR ORDERS EVERY +MORNING, LIKE THE BAKER?"] + + * * * * * + +CORIOLANUS. + +"_First Citizen_. Consider you what services he has done for his +country? + +"_Second Citizen_. Very well; and could be content to give him +good report for't, but that he pays himself with being +proud."--_Coriolanus_, Act I., Scene 1. + +_Teuton Coriolanus loquitur_:-- + + "_Was ever man so proud as is this_ MARCIUS?" + There spake the babbling Tribune! Proud? Great gods! + All power seems pride to men of petty souls, + As the oak's knotted strength seems arrogance + To the slime-rooted and wind-shaken reed + That shivers in the shallows. + I who perched, + An eagle on the topmost pinnacle + Of the State's eminence, and harried thence + All lesser fowl like sparrows!--I to hide + Like a chased moor-hen in a marsh, and bate + The breath that awed the world into a whisper, + That would not shake a taper-flame or stir + A flickering torch to flaring! + "_I do wonder_ + _His insolence can brook to be commanded_ + _Under_ COMINIUS." So the Roman said: + SICINIUS VELUTUS, thou hadst reason. + Under COMINIUS! Who's COMINIUS now? + The adolescent Emperor, or his cool + Complacent Chancellor? COMINIUS! + Unseasoned youth, or untried middle-age, + A shouting boy, or a sleek-spoken elder, + Hot stripling, cool supplanter! + I serve not + "Under COMINIUS," nay!--yet since he stands + There, where I made firm footing amidst chaos, + Stands in smug comfort where we Titans struggled-- + MOLTKE, and I, and the great Emperor,-- + Struggled for vantage, which he owes to us;-- + Since he stands there, and I in shadow sit, + Silenced and chidden, I half _feel_ I serve, + Whom he would bid to second. Second _him_, + In that Imperial Policy whose vast + And soaring shape, like air-launched eagle, seemed + To fill the sky, and shadow half the world? + As well the Eagle's self might be expected + To second the small jay! + My shadow, mine? + Yes, but distorted by the skew-cast ray + Of a far lesser sun than lit the noon + Of my meridian glory. So I spurn + The shrunken simulacrum! + And they shriek, + Shout censure at me, the cur-crowd who crouched, + Ere that a woman's hate and a boy's pride + Smote me, the new Abimelech, so sore; + They'd hush me, like a garrulous greybeard, chaired + At the hearth-corner out of harm; they'd hush + My voice--the valorous vermin! What say they? + "_That's a brave fellow; but he's vengeance proud_; + _Loves not the common people!_" Humph! I stand + As MARCIUS would not, in the market-place, + And show my wounds to the people. Is _that_ pride? + I stooped to--_her!_--let me not think of that; + 'T would poison paradise!--but is _that_ pride? + The Roman pride was stiff and taciturn, + And I,--they tell me, I "will still be talking," + And no MENENIUS is by to say + In charity of the modern MARCIUS, + "_Consider this:--he has been bred i'the wars_ + _Since he could draw a sword, and is ill-school'd_ + _In bolted language: meal and bran together_ + _He throws without distinction_." + Well, well, well + "_I would he had continued to his country_ + _As he began; and not unknit, himself,_ + _The noble knot he made_." So they'll whine out + The smug SICINIUSES. But what I wonder + If once again the Volscians make new head! + Who, "like an eagle in a dovecote," then + Will flutter them and discipline AUFIDIUS? + An eagle! Shall I spurn my shadow, then + Trample my own projection? So they babble + Who'd silence me, make this my mouthpiece[1] mute; + Who prate of prosecution--banishment, + Perchance, anon, for me, as for the Roman, + Because "I cannot brook to be commanded + Under COMINIUS." What said VOLUMNIA + To her imperious son? "_The man was noble,_ + _But with his last attempt he wiped it out;_ + _Destroy'd his country; and his name remains_ + _To the ensuing age abhorr'd._" I would not have + My own VIRGILIA say so--she who frets, + At my colossal chafing. ARNIM's shade + Would mock my fall; but silent Friedrichsruh + Irks me, whilst lesser spirits so misshape + My vast designs, whose shadow, dwarfed, distorted, + I trample in my anger, thus--thus--thus! + +[Footnote 1: The _Hamburger Nachrichten_, in whose columns (says the +_Times_) Prince BISMARCK, according to the friends of the Government, +"inspires incessant attacks upon the Imperial Policy, domestic, +foreign, and colonial, and especially upon the proceedings of his +successor, General CAPRIVI."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CORIOLANUS. + + "SUCH A NATURE, + TICKLED WITH GOOD SUCCESS, DISDAINS THE SHADOW + WHICH HE TREADS ON AT NOON."--_Coriolanus_, Act I., Sc. 1.] + + * * * * * + +DUMAS UP TO ARMY ESTIMATES' DATE. + +PART I.--_THE THREE VOLUNTEERS._ + +LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were delighted +with the progress discernible in every detail of the battalion to +which it was their honour to belong. Not a man that did not appear on +parade conscious of the fact that he had made himself proficient--the +privates were contented, the non-commissioned officers happy. It +was, indeed, a model Regiment. On the occasion of their inspection +by Colonel D'ARTAGNAN, a man marched from the ranks, and demanded a +hearing. + +"And what do _you_ want?" asked the inspecting officer. + +"We wish the unjust to be made just," returned the discontented one. +"We ask for a reform." + +PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS would have protested, but Colonel +D'ARTAGNAN motioned them to be silent. "I am here," he murmured, "to +listen to complaints. I must listen to his." + +"Sir," said the complainant, "we have admirable officers--the +Lieutenant, the Captain, and the Major. They are always at work." + +"Yes," returned Colonel D'ARTAGNAN; "and so are you." + +"But we have merely to obey orders, and not to command. We feel that +although we pay for everything connected with the battalion, we should +do something more. We ought to subscribe a sum to pay our excellent +officers for commanding us!" + +And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS refused the suggestion, to the great +disappointment of their subordinates. + +PART II.--_TWENTY YEARS AFTERWARDS._ + +LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were once again +being inspected by D'ARTAGNAN, now wearing the gold and crimson scarf +of a general officer. + +"Yes, I have a complaint to make," replied one of the rank and file, +in reply to the customary interrogation. "We have three officers; but +they have merely to give orders, while we have to obey them. This is +unfair--unjust. We are always at work." + +"Yes," returned General D'ARTAGNAN, "and so are they." + +"True enough. We feel that, although they pay everything for the +battalion, they should do more. They ought to compensate their +excellent privates for the time we devote to obeying them." + +And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS accepted the suggestion, to the great +delight of their subordinates. + +PART III.--_TEN YEARS LATER._ + +Lieutenant PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were yet again on +parade. + +"I salute you, my friends," said Field Marshal D'ARTAGNAN, the +inspecting officer. "But where is your Regiment?" + +PORTHOS looked at ATHOS, and ATHOS glanced at ARAMIS. Then they +replied in a breath, "It has been disbanded." + +"Disbanded!" echoed D'ARTAGNAN. "But where are the accounts of the +Corps?" + +Then the three friends replied in a mournful tone, "Filed in the Court +of Bankruptcy!" + +"And what do you call this filing of officers' accounts in the Court +of Bankruptcy?" + +"We call it the last act of the Volunteer Movement, which, by the way, +however, was not entirely voluntary!" + +And the four friends having no further occupation requiring their +joint attention, shook hands warmly, and parted--for ever! + + * * * * * + +MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--TO DINNER. + +(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._) + +NO. I.--THE OVER-CULTURED UNDERGRADUATE. + +[Illustration] + + He stood, as if posed by a column, + Awaiting our hostess' advance; + Complacently pallid and solemn, + He deigned an Olympian glance. + Icy cool, in a room like a crater, + He silently marched me down-stairs, + And Mont Blanc could not freeze with a greater + Assurance of grandeur and airs. + + I questioned if Balliol was jolly-- + "Your epithet," sighed he, "means noise. + Vile noise! At his age it were folly + To revel with Philistine boys." + Competition, the century's vulture, + Devoured academical fools; + For himself, utter pilgrim of Culture, + He countenanced none of the Schools. + + Exams: were a Brummagem fashion + Of mobs and inferior taste; + They withered "Translucence" and "Passion," + They vulgarised leisure by haste. + Self to realise--that was the question, + Inscrutable still while the cooks + Of our Colleges preached indigestion, + Their Dons indigestible books. + + Two volumes alone were not bathos, + The one by an early Chinese, + The other, that infinite pathos, + Our Nursery Rhymes, if you please. + He was lost, he avowed, in this era; + His spirit was seared by the West, + But he deemed to be Monk in Madeira + Would probably suit him the best. + + "Impressions of Babehood" in plenty + Succeeded, "Hot youth" and its tears, + Till I wondered if ninety or twenty + Summed up his unbearable years. + Great Heavens! I turned to my neighbour, + A SQUARSON by culture unblest; + And welcomed at length in field-labour + And foxes refreshment and rest. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION OF THE KNIGHT.--If it be true, as was mentioned in the +_World_ last week, that Mr. Justice WRIGHT has "climbed down," only to +be placed upon a higher perch, will any change of name follow on the +Knighthood? Will he be known as Sir ROBERT RONG, late Mr. JUSTICE +WRIGHT? + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO is a thundering instrument. + + * * * * * + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO should be in every Lunatic Asylum. + + * * * * * + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO.--This wonderful and unique instrument, horizontal +and perpendicular Grand, five octaves, hammerless action, including +keyboard, pedals, gong, peal of bells, ophicleide stop, and all +the newest improvements, can be seen at Messrs. SPLITTE AND SON's +Establishment, High Holborn, and purchased ON THE FIFTY YEARS' HIRE +SYSTEM, by which, at a payment of 1s. 1-1/2d. a week, the piano, or +what is left of it, becomes the property of the purchaser, or his +heirs and executors, at the expiration of that period. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a new after-dinner, home-grown Sherry, of quite +extraordinary value and startling excellence. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a full, fruity, gout-giving, generous, heady wine, smooth +on the palate, round in the mouth, full of body, wing, character, and +crust. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA may be safely offered at funerals. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a beverage for Dukes in distressed circumstances. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA _is the wine, par excellence_, for the retrenching. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA, mixed with citrate of soda, treacle, and soda-water, and +drunk in the dark immediately after a glass of hot ginger brandy, will +be found to possess all the quality of a low-priced Champagne. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is the making of an economical wedding breakfast. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA. A few parcels of this unique and delicious Wine are still +to be had of the grower, a Sicilian Count, for the moment resident in +Houndsditch, at the nominal price, inclusive of the bottles, of five +shillings and ninepence the dozen. + + * * * * * + +TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING. + +(_AN EXPLANATION._) + + ["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already mortgaged. In + 1892 you may count upon me."--Mr. JEROME K. JEROME, _not_ Mr. + RUDYARD KIPLING. _See "Punch," Feb. 14_.] + + Oh, Mr. KIPLING!--you whose pungent pen + Of pirate publishers has been the terror, + Try hard, I beg you, to forgive me, when + I openly confess I wrote in error. + + It was not you by whom the deed was done. + But Mr. JEROME 'twas who wrote and said he + Could not contribute, since his Ninety-One + Was mortgaged to the Editors already. + + 'Twas rough on you, indeed, in such a way, + By thinking you were he, to dim your glory. + Yet pray believe I really grieve to say + I mixed you up with quite "another story"! + + * * * * * + +DRAMATIC ILLUSTRATION OF AN ADVERTISEMENT.--In one of the advertising +columns of the _Times_ the paragraph appeared one day last week. The +newspaper containing it lay on the table of a drawing-room. Elderly +beau was making up (he was accustomed to making-up in another sense, +as his wig and whiskers could testify) to charming young lady. Such +was the scene. He asked her to accept him. Her reply was to show him +the heading of this advertisement in the _Times_:--"YOUTH WANTED." +_Tableau! Exit_ Beau. Curtain. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISS PARLIAMENT'S DREAM OF A FANCY BALL. + +_A Suggestion for Druriolanus at Covent Garden._] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH TO MISS CANADA. + + Oh, Canada, dear Canada, we shall not discombobulate + Ourselves concerning JONATHAN. 'Tis true he tried to rob you late + (That is if Tariff-diddling may be qualified as robbery), + But BULL has learned the wisdom of not kicking up a bobbery. + + No, Canada, we love you dear, and shall be greatly gratified + If by your March Elections our relations are--say ratified. + We don't expect self-sacrifice, we do not beg for gratitude, + But keep an interested eye, my dear, upon your attitude. + + Railings and ravings rantipole we hold are reprehensible, + But of our kindly kinship we're affectionately sensible. + A mother's proud to see her child learning to "run alone," you know; + But does not wish to see her "run away" from home, she'll own you know. + + MACDONALD is magniloquent, perhaps a bit thrasonical; + His dark denunciations--at a distance--sound ironical. + And when we read the rows between him and Sir RICHARD CARTWRIGHT; dear, + We have our doubts if either chief quite plays the patriot part right, dear! + + But there, we know that party speeches are not _merum nectar_, all, + And we can take the measure of magniloquence electoral; + The tipple Party Spirit men will stir and whiskey-toddy-fy, + But when they have to drink it--cold--its strength they greatly modify. + + Beware the Ides of March? Oh, no! All auguries we defy, my dear! + The spectre of disloyalty don't scare us; all my eye, my dear. + So vote away, dear Canada! our faith's in friendly freedom, dear; + And croakers, Yank, or Canuck, or home-born, we shall not heed 'em, dear! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SENSITIVE EAR. + +_Intelligent Briton_. "BUT WE HAVE NO THEATRE, NO ACTORS WORTHY OF THE +NAME, MADEMOISELLE! WHY, THE ENGLISH DELIVERY OF BLANK VERSE IS SIMPLY +TORTURE TO AN EAR ACCUSTOMED TO HEAR IT GIVEN ITS FULL BEAUTY AND +SIGNIFICANCE BY A BERNHARDT OR A COQUELIN!" + +_Mademoiselle_. "INDEED? I HAVE NEVER HEARD BERNHARDT OR COQUELIN +RECITE ENGLISH BLANK VERSE!" + +_Intelligent Briton_. "OF COURSE NOT. I MEAN _FRENCH_ BLANK VERSE--THE +BLANK VERSE OF CORNEILLE, RACINE, MOLIERE!" + +_Mademoiselle_. "OH, MONSIEUR, THERE IS NO SUCH THING!" + +[_Briton still tries to look intelligent._] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, February 16_.--After long tarrying, +House once more justified its old character. Been dolefully dull +these weeks and months past. Thought it was dead; only been sleeping. +To-night woke up, and audience that filled every Bench, blocked the +Gangways, and thronged the Bar, had rare treat. Occasion was the +indictment of Prince ARTHUR; long pending; was to have come off at +beginning of Session; put off on account of counter attractions in +Committee-Room No. 15; postponement no longer possible; and here we +are, House throbbing with excitement, OLD MORALITY nervously clacking +about Treasury Bench, bringing his chicks together under his wing. +RANDOLPH brought his young beard down to witness performance. + +[Illustration: A Buffer Q.C.] + +Initial difficulty in Irish Camp; Brer FOX sitting in old place, two +steps down third bench below Gangway. Brer RABBIT, sunk in profound +meditation, oblivious to the rival Leader's presence, occupies corner +seat; room for one between them. Who shall take it? Anxious time for +TIM HEALY. Nothing he dreads so much as possibility of outbreak. In +Committee-Room No. 15, Brer FOX snatched out of Brer RABBIT's hand +a sheet of paper. Suppose now, in sudden paroxysm, he were to reach +forth and taking Brer RABBIT by the beard bang his head against the +back of the Bench? TIM's gentle nature shivered with apprehension; +thing to do was to get a good plump gentleman set between the two, so +that in case hostilities broke out his body might be used as buffer. +Thought of ELTON first. Besides a professional desire to find +occupation for Members of the Bar, ELTON's figure seemed made on +purpose for the peaceful errand TIM had in mind. Broached subject. +ELTON said, always happy to oblige; but was, in fact, just now +retiring from Parliamentary life; didn't care to be brought into undue +prominence. Besides, he belonged to other side of House; Why not try +T.B. POTTER? + +"The very man!" cried TIM, "I believe you and he scale the same to a +pound, and though your waist is more shapely, he has the advantage in +shoulders." + +POTTER most obliging of men; offered no objection. So TIM conducted +him to the seat; he dropped gently, but firmly in it; Brer RABBIT +putting on his spectacles, and looking across the expanse of T.B.'s +shoulders, thought he recognised Brer FOX at the other side. Anyhow, +he was beyond speaking distance, and so embarrassment was obviated. + +TIM, his mind thus at rest, able to devote his attention to debate, to +progress of which, he contributed a few interjections. Finally, when +Division taken on JOHN MORLEY's Motion, and everybody ready to go +home, he moved and carried Adjournment of Debate. + +_Business done_.--Prince ARTHUR indicted for breach of Constitutional +Law in Ireland. Jury retired to consider their verdict. Agreed upon +acquittal by 320 Votes against 245. + +_Tuesday_.--A once familiar presence pervades House to-night. Everyone +more, or less vaguely, conscious of it. Even without chancing to look +up to Peers' Gallery, Members are inspired with sudden mysterious +access of Moral Influence. OLD MORALITY himself, that overflowing +reservoir of moral axioms, takes on an aggravated air of +responsibility and respectability. Has had a great triumph which would +inflate a man of less modest character. Last night, or rather early +this morning, Irish Members appeared to force Government hand; just +when it seemed that RUSSELL's Amendment was about to be substituted +for MORLEY's Resolution, TIM HEALY interposed, moved Adjournment of +Debate; OLD MORALITY protested; SEXTON slily threatened all-night +sitting; after an hour's struggle, Government capitulated; Adjournment +agreed to; Irish Members went off jubilant. + +To-night SEXTON asks OLD MORALITY when they shall resume debate? + +"Ah," says OLD MORALITY, with look of friendly interest, as if the +idea had struck him for the first time, "yes; just so. The Hon. Member +wants to know when we shall resume the debate, the adjournment of +which he and his friends were instrumental in carrying at an early +hour this morning. Well, I must say, on the part of Her Majesty's +Government, that we are perfectly satisfied with matters as they were +left. We had a lively debate, a majority much larger than we had dared +to hope for, and, as far as we are concerned, I think we'll leave +matters alone. As one of our great prose-writers observed, it is, on +the whole, more conducive to comfort to endure any inconveniences that +may press upon one at the current moment, than to hasten to encounter +others with the precise nature of which we do not happen to be +acquainted." + +[Illustration: Under-Secretary.] + +GRAND CROSS missed this delightful little episode, not coming in till +questions were over. Now he sat in Peers' Gallery and gazed through +spectacles on scene of earlier triumphs. Looks hardly a day older than +when he left us; the same perky manner, the same wooden visage, with +its pervading air of supreme self-satisfaction and inscrutable wisdom. +It is a night given up to Indian topics. PLOWDEN, in his quiet, +effective way, has just carried Motion which will have substantial +effect in the direction of securing fuller debate of Indian questions. +GORST, standing at table replying to BUCHANAN on another Indian topic, +alludes with deferential tone to "the SECRETARY OF STATE." GRAND CROSS +almost audibly purrs from his perch in the Gallery. + +"An odd world, my masters," says the Member for SARK, striding out +impatiently, "when you have a man like GORST Under-Secretary, with +a man like GRAND CROSS at the Head of the Department." + +_Business done_.--An hour or two given to India. + +_Thursday_.--Army Estimates on to-night. HANBURY comes to the front, +as usual. STANHOPE tossing about on Treasury Bench, in considerable +irritation. + +"What's the use, my ST. JOHN," he asked BRODRICK, the only man +standing by him, "of a family arrangement like ours, if one is +subjected to annoyance like this? With one brother in the Peers, a +pillar of staid Conservatism; with myself on the Treasury Bench, +a Cabinet Minister, a right-hand man of the Government: and then, +final touch, old PHILIP EGALITE below the Gangway opposite, with +his Radicalism, and his tendency to out-JACOBY LABOUCHERE. This is +a broad-based family combination, that ought to make us, each in his +way, irresistible. And yet there seems nothing to prevent a fellow +like HANBURY looking down from his six feet two scornfully on a +British soldier not more than five feet four in his stocking-feet, +whilst he inflates his chest, and asks, in profound bass notes, how +are the ancient glories of the British Army to be maintained with men +who cannot stretch the tape at thirty-six inches?" + +[Illustration: "Amazed at his own Moderation."] + +When HANBURY sat down, after pounding away in ponderous style for +nearly an hour, STANHOPE got up and prodded him reproachfully. +Wonderful how much vinegar and vitriol he managed to distil into his +oft-repeated phrase, "My honourable friend!" As for HANBURY, he sat +with hands in pocket, staring at empty benches opposite, amazed at his +own moderation. + +Hours of the usual kind of talk on Army Estimates; the Colonels, +Volunteer and otherwise, showing that the Army is as GILL (who +has recently spent some time in Boulogne) says, _en route pour les +chiens_; the SECRETARY of State for WAR demonstrating that everything +is in apple-pie order, and his right honourable predecessor on the +Front Opposition Bench bearing testimony to the general state of +efficiency. + +WOLMER flashed through the haze a word that has long wanted saying +in the House. Why, he asked, place sentries surrounding St. James's +Palace, the War Office, and the Horse Guards? Why, if presence of +armed men at these particular gateways is essential to proper conduct +of affairs of Department--why should Charity Commissioners and +Education Office be left unguarded? WOLMER should keep pegging away at +this question till he gets common-sense answer. + +_Business done_.--Army Estimates moved. + +_Friday_.--Gallant little Wales took the floor to-night. Wants the +Church Disestablished; PRITCHARD MORGAN, in speech of prodigious +length, asked House to sanction the proposal. The Government, +determined to oppose Motion, cast about for Member of their body who +could best lead opposition. Hadn't a Welshman on the Treasury Bench. + +"There's RAIKES, you know," AKERS-DOUGLAS said, discussing the matter +with OLD MORALITY. "He's not exactly a Welshman, but, when he's at +home, he lives in Denbighshire, which is as near being Wales as you +can get. Besides, his postal address is Llwynegrin." + +"Ah!" said OLD MORALITY, "that looks well. He's not the rose, but he +lives in convenient contiguity to the flower." + +So RAIKES was put up, and a nice, peaceful, soothing, insinuating, +conciliatory speech he made. In fact, as the Member for SARK says, "He +got gallant little Wales down on its back, tied its horns and heels +together, partially flayed it, and then rubbed in cunningly contrived +combination of Cayenne pepper and vinegar." + +_Business done_.--Welsh Disestablishment Motion negatived by 235 Votes +to 203. + + * * * * * + +CELT AGAIN. + + GRANT-ALLEN,--his manner moves cynics to mirth!-- + Makes out that the Celt is the Salt of the Earth. + That accounts, it may be, for his dominant fault; + A "salt of the earth" _has_ a taste for assault! + + * * * * * + +OUT OF SCHOOL! + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--You are so awfully good to chaps at school that I +am sure you will insert this letter. SMITH MINOR, who takes in the +_Times_, says, that a "PARENT" has been writing to say, that there +should be a meeting of Fathers to swagger over the meeting of Head +Masters. Well, this wouldn't be half a bad idea if it were properly +conducted; but the "PARENT" seems to be a beast of a governor, who +wants to cut down the holidays, and such like rot. And this brings me +to what I want to propose myself. If there are to be meetings of Head +Masters and Parents, why not a meeting of Boys? We have a heap of +grievances. For instance, lots of chaps would like to know why "the +water" was stopped at Westminster, and something about the domestic +economy of Harrow. Then the great and burning question of grub is +always ready to hand. The "PARENT" wants to have a hand in the payment +for school-books, seeing his way to getting the discount (stingy +chap!) then why shouldn't we fellows have a voice choosing them? Then +about taking up Greek, why shouldn't we have our say in _that_ matter? +After all, it interests us more than anyone else, as we are the +fellows that will have to learn it, if it is to be retained. Then +about corporal punishment. Not that we mind it much, still _we_ are +the fellows who get swished at Eton, and feel the tolly at Beaumont. +Surely the Boys know more about a licking than Head Masters and +Parents? You, as a practical man, will say, "Who should attend the +Congress?" I reply, every public school might send a delegate; and by +public school, I do not limit the term to the old legitimate "E. and +the two W.'s," Eton, Winchester and Westminster. No; I would throw +it open to such respectable educational establishments as Harrow, +Rugby, Charterhouse, St. Paul's, Marlborough, Felsted, Cheltenham, +Stonyhurst, and the rest of them. The more the merrier, say I; and +if there was a decided division of opinion on any subject, we could +settle the matter off-hand at once, by taking off our jackets and +turning up our shirt-sleeves. The more I think of it, the more I like +it! It _would_ be a game! + +Always your affectionate friend, (_Signed_) JONES MINIMUS. + + * * * * * + +THE SAME OLD GAME. + + [Russia is said to be threatening the old Finnish laws and + liberties.] + + Russia snubs him who, as a candid friend, + Horrors Siberian, Hebrew would diminish. + _Must_ Muscovites prove tyrants to the end? + At least they aim to prove so to the _Finnish_! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, VOL. +100. Feb. 28, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13098.txt or 13098.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/0/9/13098/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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