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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13098-0.txt b/13098-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c021252 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1406 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13098 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +February 28, 1891. + + + + +SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM. + +NO. II.--THE LITERARY "GHOST." + +[Illustration] + +We will assume, simply for the purposes of this argument, that you, +reader, are an innocent-minded elderly lady, and a regular subscriber +to the Local Circulating Library. You are sitting by your comfortable +fireside, knitting a "cross-over" for a Bazaar, when your little maid +announces a gentleman, who says he has not a card-case with him, but +requests that you will see him. + +"You are sure he _is_ a gentleman, MARY ANN?" you will inquire, with a +slight uneasiness as to the umbrellas in the hall. + +"Oh, a puffict gentleman, Mam," says MARY ANN--"with a respirator." + +Upon this testimony to his social standing, you direct that the +perfect gentleman shall be shown in. + +MARY ANN has not deceived you--he has a respirator, also blue +spectacles, and a red nose. He apologises with fluent humility for +intruding upon you without the honour of a previous acquaintance, and +takes a chair, after which he shifts his respirator to his chin, sheds +a pair of immense woollen gloves into his hat, and produces a bundle +of papers, over which he intreats you to cast an eye. On perusing +them, they prove to be letters from various eminent authors, whose +names are, more or less, familiar to you. These documents are more +interesting as autographs than from any intrinsic literary merit, for +they all refer to remittances for various amounts, and regret politely +that the writer is not in a position to obtain permanent employment +for his correspondent. While you are reading them, your visitor pays +assiduous court to your cat--which impresses you favourably. + +"Possibly, Madam," he suggests, "you may be personally acquainted +with some of those gentlemen?" When you confess that you have not that +honour, he seems more at his ease. + +"I asked," he says, "because I have long heard of you as a Lady of +great taste and judgment in literary matters--which, after seeing you, +I can the more readily understand." + +It is a fact that several of your nieces and female neighbours are in +the habit of declaring that they would rather take your opinion on a +novel than that of all the critics; still, you had not expected your +fame to have spread so wide. + +"I had another motive," he confesses, "because, if you were intimate +with any of these authors, I should naturally 'esitate to say anything +which might have the effect of altering your opinion of them. As +it is, I can speak with perfect freedom--though in the strictest +confidence. You see before you, Madam, an unfortunate bean, whom +circumstances have 'itherto debarred from ever reaping the fruit of +his own brine! Well may you remark, 'Your Gracious Goodness'"--(_your +natural astonishment having escaped you in the shape of this +invocation_)--"for in your goodness and in your graciousness rests my +sole remaining 'ope. I was endowed from an early age with a fertile +and versatile imagination, and creative powers which, without vanity, +I may say, were of a rather superior class. The one thing I lacked was +inflooence, and in the world of letters, Madam, as I am sure you +do not need to be informed, without inflooence Genius is denied a +suitable opening. At several literary Clubs in the West End I made +the acquaintance of the authors whose letters you have just had the +opportunity of reading--men who have since attained to the topmost +pinnacle of Fame. At that time they were comparatively obscure; they +'eard my conversation, they realised that I 'ad ideers, of which they +knew the value better, perhaps, than I did myself. I used to see them +taking down notes on their shirt-cuffs, and that, but I took no notice +of it at the time. Probably you have read the celebrated work of +fiction by Mr. GASHLEIGH WALKER, entitled, _King Cole's Cellars_? I +thought so. I gave him the plot, scenery and characters complete, for +that story. I did, indeed." + +"And do you mean to say he has taken all the credit himself!" you +exclaim, very properly shocked. + +"If he has," he replies, meekly, "I am far from complaining--a +shilling or two was an object to me at that time. And it got me +more work of the sort. There's _Booty Bay_, now, the book that made +ROBERTSON--_that_ was took down, word for word, from my dictation, +in a back parlour of one of LOCKHART's Cocoa-Rooms. I got fifteen +shillings for that. _He_ got, I daresay, 'undreds of pounds. Well, _I_ +don't grudge it to him. As he said, I ought to remember he had all the +_manual_ labour of it. Then there's that other book which has sold +its thousands, _Four Men in a Funny_--that was mine--all but the last +chapter; he _would_ put in that, and, in _my_ opinion, spoilt it, from +an artistic point. But what could I do? It was out of _my_ 'ands! I +must say I never anticipated myself that it would be so popular. 'I +should be robbing you,' I said, 'if I took more than ten shillings for +it.' All the same, it turned out a good bargain for him. Then there's +the Drama, you would hardly credit it that I could name three leading +theatres at this present moment where pieces are running which came +originally out of _my_ 'ed! But it's no use my saying so--no one would +believe it. And now I've 'elped all these men up the ladder, they can +do without me--they can go alone--or think they can. See the way they +write--not a word about owing anything to my 'umble services, a postal +order for three-and-six; but that's the world all over!" + +"But surely," you will sympathetically observe, "you will expose them, +you will insist on sharing in the reward of your labours--it is a duty +you owe to the public, as well as yourself!" + +[Illustration: "Slow rises worth by poverty depressed."] + +"So I've been told, Madam. But what can I do?--I'm a poor man. 'Slow +rises worth, by poverty depressed,' as POPE, or GOLDSMITH--for a +similar idea occurs in both--truly observes. To put my case before the +public as it _ought_ to be put, I should first have to gain the ear of +the Press--and you want a golden key to do that, nowadays. The Press +is very reluctant to run down successful writers. 'Hawks won't pick +out Awkses heyes,' as BURNS remarks. (_By this time you are probably +fumbling for your purse, which, as usual, is at the bottom of +your work-basket._) No, they will find me out some day--after I'm +dead and gone, most likely! In the meantime I envy nobody. I have +the consciousness of Genius, and--I'm sure your generosity is +overwhelming, Madam--I really never ventured to--Pardon these +tears; it is the first time my poor talents have ever obtained such +recognition as this! Could you crown your favours by giving me the +names and addresses of any charitable friends and neighbours whom +you think at all likely to follow your noble example?... I thank you +from my heart, Madam, and, when I succeed in recovering my literary +in'eritance, and am called upon to issue a collected edition of my +works, I shall take the liberty of inscribing on the title-page a +dedication to the generous benefactress who first 'elped to restore my +fallen fortunes!" + +With this he seals his lips again with the respirator, pockets his +documents and your donation, and bows himself gratefully out, leaving +you to meditate on the unscrupulousness of popular Authors, and the +ease with which a confiding public is hoodwinked. + + * * * * * + +M.P. MANFIELD, M.P. + + Northampton's new Member an honour can claim + On which he need set little store: + He now has M.P. written after his name, + But he always had M.P. before. + + If every M.P. in the lobby counts one, + To the _Ayes_, or the _Noes_, walking through, + Does logic demand, in each case, _pro_ and _con._, + M.P. MANFIELD, M.P., should count two? + + * * * * * + +CHANCE FOR SPINSTERS OF AN UNCERTAIN AGE.--There is to be a Mahommedan +Mission in England. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE WATER BABIES AND THE ROYAL GODMOTHER."] + + * * * * * + +BRAVO, BAGSHAWE! + + A lady of Bedford, despotic and rash, + Tried to force her poor groom to shave off his moustache. + Judge BAGSHAWE the wise, made her pay for her prank. + This makes one inclined to sing, "_I know a Bank_," + Where BAGSHAWE might bring common-sense, for a change; + They're worse than the Lady of Goldington Grange, + These Banking Bashaws with three tails, who must clip + Nature's health-giving gift from a clerk's chin or lip. + Bah! What _are_ they fit for, these stupid old rules? + To be shaped by rich tyrants, obeyed by poor fools! + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +ENGLISH HISTORY.--I have been reading several books on this subject, +and am rather puzzled. Are the English people, _as existing now_, +Teutons, or Danes, or Celts, or what? Can we be Teutons when the +aborigines of these islands were not Teutonic? I feel that my own +genius--and I have a lot--is Celtic; at the same time I have always +prided myself on my Norman blood; yet from my liking for the sea, +which never makes me sick, at least at Herne Bay, I fancy I must +be descended from a Scandinavian Viking. What is the ethnological +name given to a person who is an amalgamation of such heterogeneous +elements?--INQUIRER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOUCHING CONFIDENCE IN THE FOG. + +_Gentleman of Engaging Manners._ "BLESS YOUR 'EART, YOU'LL BE HALL +RIGHT ALONG O' ME, MUM! LET ME KERRY THE LITTLE BAG FOR YOU, MUM!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BRUM AND THE OOLOGIST. + + [Mr. W. JAMES asked the LORD ADVOCATE whether his attention + had been called to a circular, issued from Birmingham by the + Naturalists' Publishing Company, inviting applications for + shares in "An Oological Expedition to the land of the Great + Auk," meaning the Shetland Isles, and stating that, "if + the season is a pretty fair one, a haul of at least twenty + thousand eggs" of rare sea-birds might be expected.--_Daily + Paper_.] + + The "Brum" and the Oologist + Were walking hand in hand; + They grinned to see so many birds + On cliff, and rock, and sand. + "If we could only get their eggs," + Said they, "it would be grand." + + "If we should start a Company + To gather eggs all day, + Do you suppose," the former said, + "That we could make it pay?" + "We might," said the Oologist, + "On the promoting lay!" + + "Then you've a tongue, and I a ship, + Likewise some roomy kegs; + And you might lead the birds a dance + Upon their ugly legs; + And, when you've got them out of sight, + I'll steal their blooming eggs." + + "Oh, Sea-birds," said the Midland man, + "Let's take a pleasant walk! + Perhaps among you we may find + The Great--or lesser--Auk; + And you might possibly enjoy + A scientific talk." + + The skuas and the cormorants, + And all the puffin clan, + The stormy petrels, gulls, and terns, + They hopped, and skipped, and ran + With very injudicious speed + To join that oily man. + + "The time has come," remarked the Brum, + "For 'talking without tears' + Of birds unhappily extinct, + Yet known in former years; + And how much cash an egg will fetch + In Naturalistic spheres." + + "But not _our_ eggs!" replied the birds, + Feeling a little hot. + "You surely would not rob our nests + After this pleasant trot?" + The Midland man said nothing but,-- + "I guess he's cleared the lot!" + + "Well!" said that bland Oologist, + "We've had a lot of fun. + Next year, perhaps, these Shetland birds + We'll visit--with a gun; + When--as we've taken all their eggs-- + There'll probably be none!" + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +DIVORCE FACILITIES.--I should like to be informed in what part of +the United States it is that a Divorce is granted in half-an-hour, at +a merely nominal fee, on the ground of conscientious objections to +monogamy? What is the cost of getting there, and would it be necessary +that my wife should go there too? There might be a difficulty in +persuading her to take the journey. + +INCOMPATIBILITY. + + * * * * * + +A CANADIAN CALENDAR. + +(_TO BE HOPED NOT PROPHETIC._) + +1892. Reciprocity firmly established between the Dominion and the +U.S.A. + +1893. Emigration ceases between the Dominion and the Mother Country, +and trade dies out. + +1894. Return from Canada of families of the best blood to England and +France. + +1895. Great increase of the Savage Indian Tribes in the country, and +the Improvident Irish Population in the towns of the Dominion. + +1896. Practical suspension of trade between the Dominion and the +U.S.A., the latter having now attained the desired object of shutting +out goods of British manufacture from the American market. + +1897. England refuses to assist Canada in resenting Yankee +encroachment in the seal fisheries. + +1898. Canada asks to be annexed to the U.S.A. + +1899. After some hesitation Uncle SAM consents to absorb the Dominion. + +1900. Canada becomes a tenth-rate Yankee State. + + * * * * * + +THE DICTUM OF DIOGENES. + + "One Man, One Vote!" A very proper plan + If you with each One Vote can find--One _Man_! + + * * * * * + +MRS. GRUNDY TO MR. GOSCHEN. + + The Three per Cents, the Three per Cents, + Serene but mortal Three, + In view of recent sad events, + Oh! give them back to me. + Oh! GOSCHEN, Sir, kind gentleman, + Hear my polite laments; + Restore this trio, if you can-- + Those musical Per Cents. + + My income once was safe, if small; + It's larger, but unpaid, + Despite "the quite phenomenal + Development of Trade." + The "Bogus Man" is on the track, + And queer "Financial Gents" + Have promised me in white and black + Their Six and Ten per Cents. + + The Three per Cents were regular, + Respectable, and good. + Their health was such that "under par" + They very seldom stood; + They needed no "conversion" rash, + Like Darker Continents; + A sort of Sunday turned to cash + They were, my Three per Cents. + + A distant river somewhere rolls, + The wicked River Plate; + Upon its _banks_ there flourish souls + Perverse and reprobate. + Ah, send your missionaries _there_! + If haply it repents, + I'll not surrender Eaton Square + For Surrey's wild or Kent's. + + Not I alone; the best that breathe, + Archbishop, Duke, and Lord, + Your bust with chaplets rare will wreathe, + This boon if you'll accord. + How can we by example shame + The mob who mock at rents, + If we are left to do the same + Without our Three per Cents? + + Reft of a carriage, life is poor: + A well-conducted set + Needs ready money to procure + Their butler and _Debrett_. + The country totters to its fall, + Disgraced to all intents, + Unless you instantly recall + Our solid Three per Cents. + + * * * * * + +THE FLOWERLESS FUNERAL. + +(_BY A FLOWER MERCHANT._) + + Funeral Reform? Oh! just a fad,-- + Its advocates, in fact, as bad + As those who want Cremation. + A set of foolish, fussy fools + Whose misplaced ardour nothing cools-- + A nuisance to the nation! + + Economy, they're all agreed, + Should be with them a cult and creed, + Simplicity a passion. + They'd quickly wreck this trade of ours, + Since they would scorn the use of flowers, + If they could set the fashion! + + Yes; parsons agitate, but these + Good gentlemen all take their fees-- + We thank them much for giving + Such good advice upon this head, + But recollect that from the dead + We've got to get our living! + + * * * * * + +CHORUS OF THE OBJECTORS TO THE PROPOSED LORD'S TUNNEL +RAILWAY.--"WATKIN the matter be!" + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XIV.--LE PÉTROLIUM; OU, LES SALOPERIES PARISIENNES. + +(_Par Zorgon-Gola, Auteur de "Toujours Poivre," "Charbon et Crasse," +"La Fange," "499 Pages d'Amour," "Le Pourvoyeur Universel," "Une +Rêveuse qui vise l'Académie_.") + +I.--LA FAMILLE. + +Si vous voulez voir les _Slums_ Parisiens et comprendre le +Peuple--avec la majuscule--vous devez visiter les Saloperies, faubourg +au delà de Belleville et de Ménilmontant, faubourg où les femmes +sortent le matin en cheveux--ça ne veut pas dire comme Lady GODIVA, +mais simplement sans chapeau--acheter de la charcuterie; et où vers +minuit dans des bouges infects les hommes se coupent le gavion, en +bons zigs, après une soirée de rigolade. C'est ici qu'on trouve des +admirables exemplaires de cette nombreuse famille EGOU-OGWASH, qui, +datant de PHARAMOND, peuple Paris et joue tous les rôles dans la +comédie humaine. Ce n'est pas une famille tout à fait vieille roche, +voyez-vous: au contraire, ça commence dans la boue de Provence et +finit dans les égouts de Paris; mais elle est distinguée, tout de +même. Elle a son épilepsie héréditaire, belle et forte épilepsie qu'on +trouvera partout dans cette vingtaine de romans que je suis resolu +d'écrire au sujet des EGOU-OGWASH. C'est une épilepsie généalogique. +Il y en a pour toute la famille. + +II.--LES POPPOT. + +JANE POPPOT se promenait sur le Boulevard des Saloperies par une belle +matinée d'août. En cheveux, panier sur le bras, elle allait acheter +de la charcuterie pour le déjeuner de son mari, oui, son mari pour de +bon, chose unique dans la famille OGWASH, un vrai mariage à la Mairie +et à l'église. Cette petite blonde, JANE, a ses idées à elle de se +ranger, de vivre en honnête femme avec son respectable JEAN POPPOT +qui l'adore, au point de lui pardonner tout le volume premier de son +histoire. + +[Illustration] + +Il n'y a pas dans tout Paris ménage plus gentil que le petit +appartement au septième des POPPOT dans une cité ouvrière de ce +Betnal Grin Parisien. Tout va bien avec ces braves gens. Lui, c'est le +Steeple-Jack de Paris, où il fait les réparations de tous les toits. +Elle, blanchisseuse de fin, a développé un secret dans la façon +d'empeser les plastrons de chemises. Elle fait des plastrons +monumentaux, luisants, dur comme l'albâtre. Elle a des clients dans +le beau monde et à l'étranger, jusqu'au Prince de BALEINES, qui lui +confie ses chemises de grande toilette, celles qu'il porte au diner +du Lor Maire, par exemple. + +JANE achète sa charcuterie, et après elle s'arrête au coin de la rue +pour regarder Paris. C'était un tic qu'elle avait, de regarder Paris. +Cela tenait de la famille OGWASH. Instinct de race. + +Paris, vu du hauteur des Saloperies, semble une grande marmite pleine +de boue et de sang, où les gens grouillent, se tordent, s'empiffrent, +se dévorent, et _squirment_ dans leur propre graisse, comme de la +blanchaille sautant dans l'huile bouillante. Un nuage de _sewer-gaz_ +monte jusqu'à JANE stationnée sur la hauteur de Belleville; et dans +cette brume puante elle sent l'odeur de femmes et de l'ognon, le +cognac, le meurtre, le fricot, le mont de piété, les omnibus, les +croquemorts, les gargotes, les bals à l'entrée libre pour dames, tout +ce qu'il y a de funeste et de choquant dans cette ville infecte. + +JANE s'amuse à flairer toutes ces horreurs pendant que le pauvre +POPPOT danse devant le buffet en attendant l'arlequin ou le demi kilo +de charcuterie assortie dans le panier de sa femme. + +III.--DÉGRINGOLADE. + +Elle a dégringolé. Cela a commencé tout doucement en trainant ses +savates. Quand une femme dégringole elle traine ses savates. C'est une +loi universelle. L'on ne dégringole pas sans trainer ses savates; l'on +ne traine pas ses savates sans dégringoler. Ainsi gare aux souliers +éculés. O, mais elle est changée, cette pauvre p'tite blonde! La +maladie héréditaire des EGOU-OGWASH vient d'être indiquée. POPPOT, ce +brave POPPOT, lui aussi il dégringole, il resemble à un réverbère sur +le boulevard dont on oublie d'éteindre le gaz. Il est allumé du matin +au soir. + +Ça a commencé si gentiment après que ce bon Steeple-Jack était tombé +du faîte de Notre Dame, où il faisait des réparations. Le pauvre homme +a fait cette chute en regardant JANE, qui dansait le cancan sur la +Place du Parvis pour choquer ces crétins de _Cook-tourists_, et pour +distraire son mari. C'était pendant la convalescence de POPPOT que +la dégringolade a commencé. JANE lui donna un dé à coudre de vilain +cognac, et de ce premier doigt de casse-poitrine à l'ivrognerie +brutale n'était qu'une glissade, presque aussi rapide que la glissade +de Notre Dame. POPPOT trainait ses savates; il chômait; il rigolait; +il gardait le Saint Lundi; il passait des journées devant le buffet +du Pétrolium, ce grand cabaret du peuple où l'on voyait distiller le +trois-six pour tout le quartier. + +JANE faisait pire que dégringoler; elle cascadait. Elle ne se +débarbouillait plus. Elle avait pris en horreur le savon. Est-ce +une aversion héréditaire, datant de la première femme qui a senti +la puanteur de cet abominable savon français, avant la bienfaisante +invention de M. POIRES? Sans doute c'était l'atavisme en quelque +forme. Elle avait son béguin. C'était le linge sale. Plus il était +sale, plus elle en raffolait. Elle ne voulait plus les chemises +en batiste fine du Prince de BALEINES. Elle priait les aristos +du Jockey Club de donner leurs plastrons à d'autres. Les clients +qu'elle préferait étaient les porte-faix, les forts de la halle, les +chauffeurs du chemin de fer. C'était en allant chercher le linge de +ces derniers qu'elle entrait sans le savoir dans le Dédale de cette +voie ferrée qui enlace et écrase les êtres vivants comme les grandes +roues des locomotives écrasent la poussière de la voie. + +Le Président du P.L.M. lui aussi avait son béguin héréditaire. Il +courait les femmes malpropres. Plus elles ne se débarbouillaient +pas, plus il les courait. C'était innocent. Il les admirait du côté +esthétique. Cela tenait de la famille, puis de ce que lui aussi était +de la vieille souche des EGOU-OGWASH. Il s'allumait en lorgnant la +figure noircie de cette pauvre JANE, et la rencontrant dans la gare un +jour il se permit un pen de _flirtà ge_ sans penser à mal. Mais par une +fatalité, POPPOT, affreusement paf, descendait d'une quatrième classe +au moment ou le vieux baisait la main crasseuse de JANE, en lui disant +son gentil bon soir: et des cet instant POPPOT voyait rouge. + +IV.--SURINADE. + +IL voyait rouge. Paris lui semblait un abattoir. Il couvait le +meurtre, et pour l'aider il avait un complice qui était du métier, +JACQUES RISPÈRE, conducteur de machines sur le P.L.M., qui avait aussi +sa manie héréditaire, et sa manie à lui était de couper les gorges. +Il les coupait sans rancune, à l'improviste, en souriant à sa victime, +les yeux dans les yeux. Cric! c'était fait. Par exemple il est +descendu un jour de la locomotive et devant le buffet d'une station +où il n'y avait pas trop de monde il a suriné la _barmaid_ qui lui +souriait en lui vendant une brioche. Il a égorgé son chauffeur au +risque d'arrêter le train de luxe entre Avignon et Marseilles. On ne +le punit pas. Cela tenait de la famille. + +"Touche là , mon drôle! C'est convenu," dit JACQUES RISPÈRE, après +un entretien de quelques heures devant le buffet du Pétrolium. "Moi, +j'arrangerai tout cela avec les fonctionnaires. Le train arrivant de +Génève doit passer le Rapide entre Macon et Dijon. Il ne passera pas. +Je retarderai le train omnibus arrivant de Marseilles. J'accélererai +le _train-luggage_ arrivant de Paris. Il y aura une mêlée de quatre +trains, entrechoqués, tordus, enlacés, faisant le _pique-à -baque_: +et pendant cette mêlée j'égorgerai ce vieux mufe de Président. C'est +simple." + +"Comme bon jour," repondit POPPOT, aveuglément soûl. + +RISPÈRE tenait parole. À onze heures du soir il y avait une de +ces catastrophes qui font frémir l'Europe voyageuse. L'assassin ne +s'arrêtait pas à la gorge du Président. Le vieil aristo n'avait pas +assez de sang pour assouvir la soif meurtrière de l'épileptique. +RISPÈRE égorgea tout le monde, à tort et à travers, une véritable +tuerie. On le prit les mains rouges, la bouche blanche d'écume. +C'était la vraie épilepsie d'ESQUIROL. + +Quant à POPPOT personne n'a soupçonné sa complicité dans ce crime +gigantesque. Lui et JANE se soûlent paisiblement du matin an soir +devant le buffet du Pétrolium, en amis. Ils deviennent tous les jours +plus pauvres, plus paresseux, et plus poivres. Ainsi c'est facile de +prévoir leur fin:-- + +L'hôpital, trente pages de délire alcoölique, et la fosse commune. + +_Note de l'Auteur_.--C'est mon intention irrévocable de finir ma +vingtaine de romans sur la famille OGWASH, et je compte avec plasir +offrir les dix-neuf à suivre à mon ami estimé, _Ponche_. + + * * * * * + +LISTENING TO THE GENTLE KOOEN. + +_Maid Marian_ is "a Comic Opera in Three Acts," at least so I gather +from the title-page of the book and from the programme of the Prince +of Wales's Theatre; though where the comicality comes in, except +occasionally with Mr. MONKHOUSE, it would require _Sam Weller's_ "pair +o' patent double million magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra power" +to detect. Mr. LE HAY, too, has nothing like the opportunity which was +given him in _Prince Bulbo_. Now, when in a so-called Comic Opera your +two principal low comedians have very little to do, say, or sing, and +when that little is not of a particularly side-splitting character, +and when the plot is not replete with comic situations, such a work +must depend for its success on the freshness of its melodies, on +the popularity of its _artistes_, and on the excellence of its +_mise-en-scène_. + +[Illustration: Libretto by Smith. As he appears in Act III., +"hammering at it."] + +As to the last of these essentials, if, perhaps, it is not so +brilliantly placed on the stage as some other shows have been, yet +there is plenty of Harrisian movement, due always to the devices in +stage-management of CHARLES of that ilk, who certainly knows how to +keep the Chorus moving and the game alive generally. + +The yet existing admirers of the once enormously popular composer, +OFFENBACH, among whom I certainly include myself, will be much +gratified by the delicately introduced reminiscences of the work of +that master of _opéra bouffe_ which occasionally crop up during the +performance of _Maid Marian_. If it be permissible for great Masters +to repeat themselves, as notably more than one has done, may not +little Masters exhibit the results of their profound studies in the +schools of popular Composers? Surely they may; and was I not pleased +with Mr. DE KOOEN (whose name seems to suggest "the voice of the +turtle,"--the dove, not the soup) when his prelude to the Third Act +distinctly recalled to my attentive mind the celebrated unison effect +in _L'Africaine_, only without the marvellous jump, which, when first +heard, thrilled the audience, and compelled an enthusiastic encore? +Then Miss VIOLET CAMERON sang a song about the bells, with a chorus +not in the least like that in _Les Cloches de Corneville_ you +understand, because the latter, I think, is performed without the +bells sounding, but in this there is a musical peal which intensifies +the distinction between the two. This "number" was encored heartily, +nay, I think it was demanded three times, and came just at the right +moment to freshen up the entertainment. In the previous Act Miss +ATTALIE CLAIRE had had a good song which had also obtained an encore, +thoroughly well deserved as far as her singing was concerned. + +I forget what Mr. COFFIN had to sing, but, whatever it was, he did it +more than justice, as did also the _basso profondo_, whose efforts +in producing his voice from, apparently, his boots, were crowned with +remarkable success. + +The _Friar Tuck_ here is a kind of good old-fashioned burlesque Friar, +more like that one some years ago at the Gaiety, in _Little Robin +Hood_ than the Friar in _Ivanhoe_. But I should say that this Friar +would be uncommonly thankful to have got anything like the song that +Sir ARTHUR has given _his_ Friar over the way, or something even +as good as Mr. DALLAS had to sing, years ago, in REECE's Gaiety +Burlesque. However, perhaps it was not intended for a singing part, +and perhaps the actor who plays it is not a professional singer. We're +not all of us born with silver notes in our chests. + +I see that Mr. HORACE SEDGER announces the drama in action, entitled +_L'Enfant Prodigue_, which recently made such a hit in Paris. Wonder +how it will go here. Not knowing, can't prophesy. + +PRIVATE BOX. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The Baron thanks Sir HENRY THOMPSON for his _Food and Feeding_, which +(published by WARNE & Co., a suggestive name) has reached its sixth +edition. It is, indeed, an entertaining work, and a work that all +honest entertainers should carefully study. It will delight alike the +host and the guest. To the first, Sir HENRY, being a host in himself, +can give such valuable advice as, if acted upon, will secure the ready +pupil a position as a Lucullus of the first class; and, even when +so placed, he will still have much to learn from this Past Grand +Master in the art of living well and wisely. "_Fas est ab 'hoste' +doceri_"--and a better host it would be difficult to find as teacher +than Sir HENRY THOMPSON, P.G.M., to whose health and happiness the +Baron quaffs a bumper of burgundy of the right sort and at the right +time. Most opportunely does this book appear in the season of Lent, +which may be well and profitably spent in acquiring a thorough +knowledge of how to turn to the best account the fleshpots of Egypt, +when the penitential time is past, and the yolk of mortification is +thrown off with the welcome return of the Easter Egg. Read attentively +what our guide and friend has to say about salads, especially note +his remarks on the salad of "cold boiled table vegetables." His +arrangement of the _menu_, to the Baron's simple taste, humble mode of +life, and not inconsiderable experience, is perfect. _Hors d'oeuvres_ +are works of supererogation, and have never been, so to speak, +acclimatised in our English table-land. The Baron may have overlooked +any directions about _écrivisses_, not as _bisque_, but pure and +simple as cray-fish, which, fresh from the river and served hot and +hot come in late but welcome as an admirable refresher to the palate, +and as a relish for the champagne, though the Baron is free to admit +that the dainty manipulation of them is somewhat of a trial to the +inexperienced guest, especially in the presence of "Woman, lovely +Woman." "Hease afore helegance," was _Mr. Weller's_ motto, but "Ease +combined with elegance" may be attained in a few lessons, which any +skilled M.D.E. (i.e., _Mangeur d'écrivisses_) will be delighted to +give at the well-furnished table of an apt and ardent pupil. Once +more "_Your_ health, Sir HENRY!" that's the Baron's toast (bread not +permitted) in honour of the eminent practician who does so much for +the health of everybody. + +That a considerable number of novel-readers like _Saint Monica_, by +Mrs. BENNETT-EDWARDS, is evident, because it has reached its sixth +edition, but that the Baron is not one of this happy number he is fain +to admit. _Saint Monica_ seems to him to be a story with which the +author of _As in a Looking-Glass_ might have done something in his +peculiar way. It begins with promise, which promise is not justified +by performance. + +[Illustration] + +Who does not welcome the works of HAWLEY SMART, the brightest of our +novelists? This is not a conundrum, and, consequently, has no answer. +Everybody likes the books of our literary Major, and everybody will +be pleased with _The Plunger_. The new Story is in two volumes, and is +full of incident. There is a murder, which carries one through, from +the first page to the last, in a state of breathless excitement. Not +that the tale commences with the tragedy. But its anticipation is as +delightful as its subsequent realisation; and, when the mystery is +solved, joy becomes universal. The story is told with so light a hand, +that it may be truly said that the only "heavy" thing about the book +is its title. + +_The Autobiography of Joseph Jefferson_ is a good stout volume, full +of portraits and interest from beginning to end, forming an important +addition to the theatrical history of the day. The Baron drinks to his +old friend, the greatest _Rip_ that ever lived. "Here's your health, +and your family's, and may you live long, and prosper!" says, +heartily, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SATIETY. + +"OH, MAMMY DARLING, WHY CAN'T THE TOYSHOP-MAN CALL FOR ORDERS EVERY +MORNING, LIKE THE BAKER?"] + + * * * * * + +CORIOLANUS. + +"_First Citizen_. Consider you what services he has done for his +country? + +"_Second Citizen_. Very well; and could be content to give him +good report for't, but that he pays himself with being +proud."--_Coriolanus_, Act I., Scene 1. + +_Teuton Coriolanus loquitur_:-- + + "_Was ever man so proud as is this_ MARCIUS?" + There spake the babbling Tribune! Proud? Great gods! + All power seems pride to men of petty souls, + As the oak's knotted strength seems arrogance + To the slime-rooted and wind-shaken reed + That shivers in the shallows. + I who perched, + An eagle on the topmost pinnacle + Of the State's eminence, and harried thence + All lesser fowl like sparrows!--I to hide + Like a chased moor-hen in a marsh, and bate + The breath that awed the world into a whisper, + That would not shake a taper-flame or stir + A flickering torch to flaring! + "_I do wonder_ + _His insolence can brook to be commanded_ + _Under_ COMINIUS." So the Roman said: + SICINIUS VELUTUS, thou hadst reason. + Under COMINIUS! Who's COMINIUS now? + The adolescent Emperor, or his cool + Complacent Chancellor? COMINIUS! + Unseasoned youth, or untried middle-age, + A shouting boy, or a sleek-spoken elder, + Hot stripling, cool supplanter! + I serve not + "Under COMINIUS," nay!--yet since he stands + There, where I made firm footing amidst chaos, + Stands in smug comfort where we Titans struggled-- + MOLTKE, and I, and the great Emperor,-- + Struggled for vantage, which he owes to us;-- + Since he stands there, and I in shadow sit, + Silenced and chidden, I half _feel_ I serve, + Whom he would bid to second. Second _him_, + In that Imperial Policy whose vast + And soaring shape, like air-launched eagle, seemed + To fill the sky, and shadow half the world? + As well the Eagle's self might be expected + To second the small jay! + My shadow, mine? + Yes, but distorted by the skew-cast ray + Of a far lesser sun than lit the noon + Of my meridian glory. So I spurn + The shrunken simulacrum! + And they shriek, + Shout censure at me, the cur-crowd who crouched, + Ere that a woman's hate and a boy's pride + Smote me, the new Abimelech, so sore; + They'd hush me, like a garrulous greybeard, chaired + At the hearth-corner out of harm; they'd hush + My voice--the valorous vermin! What say they? + "_That's a brave fellow; but he's vengeance proud_; + _Loves not the common people!_" Humph! I stand + As MARCIUS would not, in the market-place, + And show my wounds to the people. Is _that_ pride? + I stooped to--_her!_--let me not think of that; + 'T would poison paradise!--but is _that_ pride? + The Roman pride was stiff and taciturn, + And I,--they tell me, I "will still be talking," + And no MENENIUS is by to say + In charity of the modern MARCIUS, + "_Consider this:--he has been bred i'the wars_ + _Since he could draw a sword, and is ill-school'd_ + _In bolted language: meal and bran together_ + _He throws without distinction_." + Well, well, well + "_I would he had continued to his country_ + _As he began; and not unknit, himself,_ + _The noble knot he made_." So they'll whine out + The smug SICINIUSES. But what I wonder + If once again the Volscians make new head! + Who, "like an eagle in a dovecote," then + Will flutter them and discipline AUFIDIUS? + An eagle! Shall I spurn my shadow, then + Trample my own projection? So they babble + Who'd silence me, make this my mouthpiece[1] mute; + Who prate of prosecution--banishment, + Perchance, anon, for me, as for the Roman, + Because "I cannot brook to be commanded + Under COMINIUS." What said VOLUMNIA + To her imperious son? "_The man was noble,_ + _But with his last attempt he wiped it out;_ + _Destroy'd his country; and his name remains_ + _To the ensuing age abhorr'd._" I would not have + My own VIRGILIA say so--she who frets, + At my colossal chafing. ARNIM's shade + Would mock my fall; but silent Friedrichsruh + Irks me, whilst lesser spirits so misshape + My vast designs, whose shadow, dwarfed, distorted, + I trample in my anger, thus--thus--thus! + +[Footnote 1: The _Hamburger Nachrichten_, in whose columns (says the +_Times_) Prince BISMARCK, according to the friends of the Government, +"inspires incessant attacks upon the Imperial Policy, domestic, +foreign, and colonial, and especially upon the proceedings of his +successor, General CAPRIVI."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CORIOLANUS. + + "SUCH A NATURE, + TICKLED WITH GOOD SUCCESS, DISDAINS THE SHADOW + WHICH HE TREADS ON AT NOON."--_Coriolanus_, Act I., Sc. 1.] + + * * * * * + +DUMAS UP TO ARMY ESTIMATES' DATE. + +PART I.--_THE THREE VOLUNTEERS._ + +LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were delighted +with the progress discernible in every detail of the battalion to +which it was their honour to belong. Not a man that did not appear on +parade conscious of the fact that he had made himself proficient--the +privates were contented, the non-commissioned officers happy. It +was, indeed, a model Regiment. On the occasion of their inspection +by Colonel D'ARTAGNAN, a man marched from the ranks, and demanded a +hearing. + +"And what do _you_ want?" asked the inspecting officer. + +"We wish the unjust to be made just," returned the discontented one. +"We ask for a reform." + +PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS would have protested, but Colonel +D'ARTAGNAN motioned them to be silent. "I am here," he murmured, "to +listen to complaints. I must listen to his." + +"Sir," said the complainant, "we have admirable officers--the +Lieutenant, the Captain, and the Major. They are always at work." + +"Yes," returned Colonel D'ARTAGNAN; "and so are you." + +"But we have merely to obey orders, and not to command. We feel that +although we pay for everything connected with the battalion, we should +do something more. We ought to subscribe a sum to pay our excellent +officers for commanding us!" + +And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS refused the suggestion, to the great +disappointment of their subordinates. + +PART II.--_TWENTY YEARS AFTERWARDS._ + +LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were once again +being inspected by D'ARTAGNAN, now wearing the gold and crimson scarf +of a general officer. + +"Yes, I have a complaint to make," replied one of the rank and file, +in reply to the customary interrogation. "We have three officers; but +they have merely to give orders, while we have to obey them. This is +unfair--unjust. We are always at work." + +"Yes," returned General D'ARTAGNAN, "and so are they." + +"True enough. We feel that, although they pay everything for the +battalion, they should do more. They ought to compensate their +excellent privates for the time we devote to obeying them." + +And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS accepted the suggestion, to the great +delight of their subordinates. + +PART III.--_TEN YEARS LATER._ + +Lieutenant PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were yet again on +parade. + +"I salute you, my friends," said Field Marshal D'ARTAGNAN, the +inspecting officer. "But where is your Regiment?" + +PORTHOS looked at ATHOS, and ATHOS glanced at ARAMIS. Then they +replied in a breath, "It has been disbanded." + +"Disbanded!" echoed D'ARTAGNAN. "But where are the accounts of the +Corps?" + +Then the three friends replied in a mournful tone, "Filed in the Court +of Bankruptcy!" + +"And what do you call this filing of officers' accounts in the Court +of Bankruptcy?" + +"We call it the last act of the Volunteer Movement, which, by the way, +however, was not entirely voluntary!" + +And the four friends having no further occupation requiring their +joint attention, shook hands warmly, and parted--for ever! + + * * * * * + +MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--TO DINNER. + +(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._) + +NO. I.--THE OVER-CULTURED UNDERGRADUATE. + +[Illustration] + + He stood, as if posed by a column, + Awaiting our hostess' advance; + Complacently pallid and solemn, + He deigned an Olympian glance. + Icy cool, in a room like a crater, + He silently marched me down-stairs, + And Mont Blanc could not freeze with a greater + Assurance of grandeur and airs. + + I questioned if Balliol was jolly-- + "Your epithet," sighed he, "means noise. + Vile noise! At his age it were folly + To revel with Philistine boys." + Competition, the century's vulture, + Devoured academical fools; + For himself, utter pilgrim of Culture, + He countenanced none of the Schools. + + Exams: were a Brummagem fashion + Of mobs and inferior taste; + They withered "Translucence" and "Passion," + They vulgarised leisure by haste. + Self to realise--that was the question, + Inscrutable still while the cooks + Of our Colleges preached indigestion, + Their Dons indigestible books. + + Two volumes alone were not bathos, + The one by an early Chinese, + The other, that infinite pathos, + Our Nursery Rhymes, if you please. + He was lost, he avowed, in this era; + His spirit was seared by the West, + But he deemed to be Monk in Madeira + Would probably suit him the best. + + "Impressions of Babehood" in plenty + Succeeded, "Hot youth" and its tears, + Till I wondered if ninety or twenty + Summed up his unbearable years. + Great Heavens! I turned to my neighbour, + A SQUARSON by culture unblest; + And welcomed at length in field-labour + And foxes refreshment and rest. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION OF THE KNIGHT.--If it be true, as was mentioned in the +_World_ last week, that Mr. Justice WRIGHT has "climbed down," only to +be placed upon a higher perch, will any change of name follow on the +Knighthood? Will he be known as Sir ROBERT RONG, late Mr. JUSTICE +WRIGHT? + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO is a thundering instrument. + + * * * * * + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO should be in every Lunatic Asylum. + + * * * * * + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO.--This wonderful and unique instrument, horizontal +and perpendicular Grand, five octaves, hammerless action, including +keyboard, pedals, gong, peal of bells, ophicleide stop, and all +the newest improvements, can be seen at Messrs. SPLITTE AND SON's +Establishment, High Holborn, and purchased ON THE FIFTY YEARS' HIRE +SYSTEM, by which, at a payment of 1s. 1-1/2d. a week, the piano, or +what is left of it, becomes the property of the purchaser, or his +heirs and executors, at the expiration of that period. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a new after-dinner, home-grown Sherry, of quite +extraordinary value and startling excellence. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a full, fruity, gout-giving, generous, heady wine, smooth +on the palate, round in the mouth, full of body, wing, character, and +crust. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA may be safely offered at funerals. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a beverage for Dukes in distressed circumstances. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA _is the wine, par excellence_, for the retrenching. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA, mixed with citrate of soda, treacle, and soda-water, and +drunk in the dark immediately after a glass of hot ginger brandy, will +be found to possess all the quality of a low-priced Champagne. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is the making of an economical wedding breakfast. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA. A few parcels of this unique and delicious Wine are still +to be had of the grower, a Sicilian Count, for the moment resident in +Houndsditch, at the nominal price, inclusive of the bottles, of five +shillings and ninepence the dozen. + + * * * * * + +TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING. + +(_AN EXPLANATION._) + + ["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already mortgaged. In + 1892 you may count upon me."--Mr. JEROME K. JEROME, _not_ Mr. + RUDYARD KIPLING. _See "Punch," Feb. 14_.] + + Oh, Mr. KIPLING!--you whose pungent pen + Of pirate publishers has been the terror, + Try hard, I beg you, to forgive me, when + I openly confess I wrote in error. + + It was not you by whom the deed was done. + But Mr. JEROME 'twas who wrote and said he + Could not contribute, since his Ninety-One + Was mortgaged to the Editors already. + + 'Twas rough on you, indeed, in such a way, + By thinking you were he, to dim your glory. + Yet pray believe I really grieve to say + I mixed you up with quite "another story"! + + * * * * * + +DRAMATIC ILLUSTRATION OF AN ADVERTISEMENT.--In one of the advertising +columns of the _Times_ the paragraph appeared one day last week. The +newspaper containing it lay on the table of a drawing-room. Elderly +beau was making up (he was accustomed to making-up in another sense, +as his wig and whiskers could testify) to charming young lady. Such +was the scene. He asked her to accept him. Her reply was to show him +the heading of this advertisement in the _Times_:--"YOUTH WANTED." +_Tableau! Exit_ Beau. Curtain. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISS PARLIAMENT'S DREAM OF A FANCY BALL. + +_A Suggestion for Druriolanus at Covent Garden._] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH TO MISS CANADA. + + Oh, Canada, dear Canada, we shall not discombobulate + Ourselves concerning JONATHAN. 'Tis true he tried to rob you late + (That is if Tariff-diddling may be qualified as robbery), + But BULL has learned the wisdom of not kicking up a bobbery. + + No, Canada, we love you dear, and shall be greatly gratified + If by your March Elections our relations are--say ratified. + We don't expect self-sacrifice, we do not beg for gratitude, + But keep an interested eye, my dear, upon your attitude. + + Railings and ravings rantipole we hold are reprehensible, + But of our kindly kinship we're affectionately sensible. + A mother's proud to see her child learning to "run alone," you know; + But does not wish to see her "run away" from home, she'll own you know. + + MACDONALD is magniloquent, perhaps a bit thrasonical; + His dark denunciations--at a distance--sound ironical. + And when we read the rows between him and Sir RICHARD CARTWRIGHT; dear, + We have our doubts if either chief quite plays the patriot part right, dear! + + But there, we know that party speeches are not _merum nectar_, all, + And we can take the measure of magniloquence electoral; + The tipple Party Spirit men will stir and whiskey-toddy-fy, + But when they have to drink it--cold--its strength they greatly modify. + + Beware the Ides of March? Oh, no! All auguries we defy, my dear! + The spectre of disloyalty don't scare us; all my eye, my dear. + So vote away, dear Canada! our faith's in friendly freedom, dear; + And croakers, Yank, or Canuck, or home-born, we shall not heed 'em, dear! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SENSITIVE EAR. + +_Intelligent Briton_. "BUT WE HAVE NO THEATRE, NO ACTORS WORTHY OF THE +NAME, MADEMOISELLE! WHY, THE ENGLISH DELIVERY OF BLANK VERSE IS SIMPLY +TORTURE TO AN EAR ACCUSTOMED TO HEAR IT GIVEN ITS FULL BEAUTY AND +SIGNIFICANCE BY A BERNHARDT OR A COQUELIN!" + +_Mademoiselle_. "INDEED? I HAVE NEVER HEARD BERNHARDT OR COQUELIN +RECITE ENGLISH BLANK VERSE!" + +_Intelligent Briton_. "OF COURSE NOT. I MEAN _FRENCH_ BLANK VERSE--THE +BLANK VERSE OF CORNEILLE, RACINE, MOLIÈRE!" + +_Mademoiselle_. "OH, MONSIEUR, THERE IS NO SUCH THING!" + +[_Briton still tries to look intelligent._] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, February 16_.--After long tarrying, +House once more justified its old character. Been dolefully dull +these weeks and months past. Thought it was dead; only been sleeping. +To-night woke up, and audience that filled every Bench, blocked the +Gangways, and thronged the Bar, had rare treat. Occasion was the +indictment of Prince ARTHUR; long pending; was to have come off at +beginning of Session; put off on account of counter attractions in +Committee-Room No. 15; postponement no longer possible; and here we +are, House throbbing with excitement, OLD MORALITY nervously clacking +about Treasury Bench, bringing his chicks together under his wing. +RANDOLPH brought his young beard down to witness performance. + +[Illustration: A Buffer Q.C.] + +Initial difficulty in Irish Camp; Brer FOX sitting in old place, two +steps down third bench below Gangway. Brer RABBIT, sunk in profound +meditation, oblivious to the rival Leader's presence, occupies corner +seat; room for one between them. Who shall take it? Anxious time for +TIM HEALY. Nothing he dreads so much as possibility of outbreak. In +Committee-Room No. 15, Brer FOX snatched out of Brer RABBIT's hand +a sheet of paper. Suppose now, in sudden paroxysm, he were to reach +forth and taking Brer RABBIT by the beard bang his head against the +back of the Bench? TIM's gentle nature shivered with apprehension; +thing to do was to get a good plump gentleman set between the two, so +that in case hostilities broke out his body might be used as buffer. +Thought of ELTON first. Besides a professional desire to find +occupation for Members of the Bar, ELTON's figure seemed made on +purpose for the peaceful errand TIM had in mind. Broached subject. +ELTON said, always happy to oblige; but was, in fact, just now +retiring from Parliamentary life; didn't care to be brought into undue +prominence. Besides, he belonged to other side of House; Why not try +T.B. POTTER? + +"The very man!" cried TIM, "I believe you and he scale the same to a +pound, and though your waist is more shapely, he has the advantage in +shoulders." + +POTTER most obliging of men; offered no objection. So TIM conducted +him to the seat; he dropped gently, but firmly in it; Brer RABBIT +putting on his spectacles, and looking across the expanse of T.B.'s +shoulders, thought he recognised Brer FOX at the other side. Anyhow, +he was beyond speaking distance, and so embarrassment was obviated. + +TIM, his mind thus at rest, able to devote his attention to debate, to +progress of which, he contributed a few interjections. Finally, when +Division taken on JOHN MORLEY's Motion, and everybody ready to go +home, he moved and carried Adjournment of Debate. + +_Business done_.--Prince ARTHUR indicted for breach of Constitutional +Law in Ireland. Jury retired to consider their verdict. Agreed upon +acquittal by 320 Votes against 245. + +_Tuesday_.--A once familiar presence pervades House to-night. Everyone +more, or less vaguely, conscious of it. Even without chancing to look +up to Peers' Gallery, Members are inspired with sudden mysterious +access of Moral Influence. OLD MORALITY himself, that overflowing +reservoir of moral axioms, takes on an aggravated air of +responsibility and respectability. Has had a great triumph which would +inflate a man of less modest character. Last night, or rather early +this morning, Irish Members appeared to force Government hand; just +when it seemed that RUSSELL's Amendment was about to be substituted +for MORLEY's Resolution, TIM HEALY interposed, moved Adjournment of +Debate; OLD MORALITY protested; SEXTON slily threatened all-night +sitting; after an hour's struggle, Government capitulated; Adjournment +agreed to; Irish Members went off jubilant. + +To-night SEXTON asks OLD MORALITY when they shall resume debate? + +"Ah," says OLD MORALITY, with look of friendly interest, as if the +idea had struck him for the first time, "yes; just so. The Hon. Member +wants to know when we shall resume the debate, the adjournment of +which he and his friends were instrumental in carrying at an early +hour this morning. Well, I must say, on the part of Her Majesty's +Government, that we are perfectly satisfied with matters as they were +left. We had a lively debate, a majority much larger than we had dared +to hope for, and, as far as we are concerned, I think we'll leave +matters alone. As one of our great prose-writers observed, it is, on +the whole, more conducive to comfort to endure any inconveniences that +may press upon one at the current moment, than to hasten to encounter +others with the precise nature of which we do not happen to be +acquainted." + +[Illustration: Under-Secretary.] + +GRAND CROSS missed this delightful little episode, not coming in till +questions were over. Now he sat in Peers' Gallery and gazed through +spectacles on scene of earlier triumphs. Looks hardly a day older than +when he left us; the same perky manner, the same wooden visage, with +its pervading air of supreme self-satisfaction and inscrutable wisdom. +It is a night given up to Indian topics. PLOWDEN, in his quiet, +effective way, has just carried Motion which will have substantial +effect in the direction of securing fuller debate of Indian questions. +GORST, standing at table replying to BUCHANAN on another Indian topic, +alludes with deferential tone to "the SECRETARY OF STATE." GRAND CROSS +almost audibly purrs from his perch in the Gallery. + +"An odd world, my masters," says the Member for SARK, striding out +impatiently, "when you have a man like GORST Under-Secretary, with +a man like GRAND CROSS at the Head of the Department." + +_Business done_.--An hour or two given to India. + +_Thursday_.--Army Estimates on to-night. HANBURY comes to the front, +as usual. STANHOPE tossing about on Treasury Bench, in considerable +irritation. + +"What's the use, my ST. JOHN," he asked BRODRICK, the only man +standing by him, "of a family arrangement like ours, if one is +subjected to annoyance like this? With one brother in the Peers, a +pillar of staid Conservatism; with myself on the Treasury Bench, +a Cabinet Minister, a right-hand man of the Government: and then, +final touch, old PHILIP EGALITÉ below the Gangway opposite, with +his Radicalism, and his tendency to out-JACOBY LABOUCHERE. This is +a broad-based family combination, that ought to make us, each in his +way, irresistible. And yet there seems nothing to prevent a fellow +like HANBURY looking down from his six feet two scornfully on a +British soldier not more than five feet four in his stocking-feet, +whilst he inflates his chest, and asks, in profound bass notes, how +are the ancient glories of the British Army to be maintained with men +who cannot stretch the tape at thirty-six inches?" + +[Illustration: "Amazed at his own Moderation."] + +When HANBURY sat down, after pounding away in ponderous style for +nearly an hour, STANHOPE got up and prodded him reproachfully. +Wonderful how much vinegar and vitriol he managed to distil into his +oft-repeated phrase, "My honourable friend!" As for HANBURY, he sat +with hands in pocket, staring at empty benches opposite, amazed at his +own moderation. + +Hours of the usual kind of talk on Army Estimates; the Colonels, +Volunteer and otherwise, showing that the Army is as GILL (who +has recently spent some time in Boulogne) says, _en route pour les +chiens_; the SECRETARY of State for WAR demonstrating that everything +is in apple-pie order, and his right honourable predecessor on the +Front Opposition Bench bearing testimony to the general state of +efficiency. + +WOLMER flashed through the haze a word that has long wanted saying +in the House. Why, he asked, place sentries surrounding St. James's +Palace, the War Office, and the Horse Guards? Why, if presence of +armed men at these particular gateways is essential to proper conduct +of affairs of Department--why should Charity Commissioners and +Education Office be left unguarded? WOLMER should keep pegging away at +this question till he gets common-sense answer. + +_Business done_.--Army Estimates moved. + +_Friday_.--Gallant little Wales took the floor to-night. Wants the +Church Disestablished; PRITCHARD MORGAN, in speech of prodigious +length, asked House to sanction the proposal. The Government, +determined to oppose Motion, cast about for Member of their body who +could best lead opposition. Hadn't a Welshman on the Treasury Bench. + +"There's RAIKES, you know," AKERS-DOUGLAS said, discussing the matter +with OLD MORALITY. "He's not exactly a Welshman, but, when he's at +home, he lives in Denbighshire, which is as near being Wales as you +can get. Besides, his postal address is Llwynegrin." + +"Ah!" said OLD MORALITY, "that looks well. He's not the rose, but he +lives in convenient contiguity to the flower." + +So RAIKES was put up, and a nice, peaceful, soothing, insinuating, +conciliatory speech he made. In fact, as the Member for SARK says, "He +got gallant little Wales down on its back, tied its horns and heels +together, partially flayed it, and then rubbed in cunningly contrived +combination of Cayenne pepper and vinegar." + +_Business done_.--Welsh Disestablishment Motion negatived by 235 Votes +to 203. + + * * * * * + +CELT AGAIN. + + GRANT-ALLEN,--his manner moves cynics to mirth!-- + Makes out that the Celt is the Salt of the Earth. + That accounts, it may be, for his dominant fault; + A "salt of the earth" _has_ a taste for assault! + + * * * * * + +OUT OF SCHOOL! + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--You are so awfully good to chaps at school that I +am sure you will insert this letter. SMITH MINOR, who takes in the +_Times_, says, that a "PARENT" has been writing to say, that there +should be a meeting of Fathers to swagger over the meeting of Head +Masters. Well, this wouldn't be half a bad idea if it were properly +conducted; but the "PARENT" seems to be a beast of a governor, who +wants to cut down the holidays, and such like rot. And this brings me +to what I want to propose myself. If there are to be meetings of Head +Masters and Parents, why not a meeting of Boys? We have a heap of +grievances. For instance, lots of chaps would like to know why "the +water" was stopped at Westminster, and something about the domestic +economy of Harrow. Then the great and burning question of grub is +always ready to hand. The "PARENT" wants to have a hand in the payment +for school-books, seeing his way to getting the discount (stingy +chap!) then why shouldn't we fellows have a voice choosing them? Then +about taking up Greek, why shouldn't we have our say in _that_ matter? +After all, it interests us more than anyone else, as we are the +fellows that will have to learn it, if it is to be retained. Then +about corporal punishment. Not that we mind it much, still _we_ are +the fellows who get swished at Eton, and feel the tolly at Beaumont. +Surely the Boys know more about a licking than Head Masters and +Parents? You, as a practical man, will say, "Who should attend the +Congress?" I reply, every public school might send a delegate; and by +public school, I do not limit the term to the old legitimate "E. and +the two W.'s," Eton, Winchester and Westminster. No; I would throw +it open to such respectable educational establishments as Harrow, +Rugby, Charterhouse, St. Paul's, Marlborough, Felsted, Cheltenham, +Stonyhurst, and the rest of them. The more the merrier, say I; and +if there was a decided division of opinion on any subject, we could +settle the matter off-hand at once, by taking off our jackets and +turning up our shirt-sleeves. The more I think of it, the more I like +it! It _would_ be a game! + +Always your affectionate friend, (_Signed_) JONES MINIMUS. + + * * * * * + +THE SAME OLD GAME. + + [Russia is said to be threatening the old Finnish laws and + liberties.] + + Russia snubs him who, as a candid friend, + Horrors Siberian, Hebrew would diminish. + _Must_ Muscovites prove tyrants to the end? + At least they aim to prove so to the _Finnish_! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, VOL. +100. Feb. 28, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13098 *** diff --git a/13098-h/13098-h.htm b/13098-h/13098-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ea9f652 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/13098-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2095 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, February 28, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13098 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 28, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page97" + id="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span> + + <h2>SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.</h2> + + <h4>No. II.—THE LITERARY "GHOST."</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/97-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/97-1.png" + alt="Elderly lady." /></a> + </div> + + <p>We will assume, simply for the purposes of this argument, + that you, reader, are an innocent-minded elderly lady, and a + regular subscriber to the Local Circulating Library. You are + sitting by your comfortable fireside, knitting a "cross-over" + for a Bazaar, when your little maid announces a gentleman, who + says he has not a card-case with him, but requests that you + will see him.</p> + + <p>"You are sure he <i>is</i> a gentleman, MARY ANN?" you will + inquire, with a slight uneasiness as to the umbrellas in the + hall.</p> + + <p>"Oh, a puffict gentleman, Mam," says MARY ANN—"with a + respirator."</p> + + <p>Upon this testimony to his social standing, you direct that + the perfect gentleman shall be shown in.</p> + + <p>MARY ANN has not deceived you—he has a respirator, + also blue spectacles, and a red nose. He apologises with fluent + humility for intruding upon you without the honour of a + previous acquaintance, and takes a chair, after which he shifts + his respirator to his chin, sheds a pair of immense woollen + gloves into his hat, and produces a bundle of papers, over + which he intreats you to cast an eye. On perusing them, they + prove to be letters from various eminent authors, whose names + are, more or less, familiar to you. These documents are more + interesting as autographs than from any intrinsic literary + merit, for they all refer to remittances for various amounts, + and regret politely that the writer is not in a position to + obtain permanent employment for his correspondent. While you + are reading them, your visitor pays assiduous court to your + cat—which impresses you favourably.</p> + + <p>"Possibly, Madam," he suggests, "you may be personally + acquainted with some of those gentlemen?" When you confess that + you have not that honour, he seems more at his ease.</p> + + <p>"I asked," he says, "because I have long heard of you as a + Lady of great taste and judgment in literary + matters—which, after seeing you, I can the more readily + understand."</p> + + <p>It is a fact that several of your nieces and female + neighbours are in the habit of declaring that they would rather + take your opinion on a novel than that of all the critics; + still, you had not expected your fame to have spread so + wide.</p> + + <p>"I had another motive," he confesses, "because, if you were + intimate with any of these authors, I should naturally 'esitate + to say anything which might have the effect of altering your + opinion of them. As it is, I can speak with perfect + freedom—though in the strictest confidence. You see + before you, Madam, an unfortunate bean, whom circumstances have + 'itherto debarred from ever reaping the fruit of his own brine! + Well may you remark, 'Your Gracious Goodness'"—(<i>your + natural astonishment having escaped you in the shape of this + invocation</i>)—"for in your goodness and in your + graciousness rests my sole remaining 'ope. I was endowed from + an early age with a fertile and versatile imagination, and + creative powers which, without vanity, I may say, were of a + rather superior class. The one thing I lacked was inflooence, + and in the world of letters, Madam, as I am sure you do not + need to be informed, without inflooence Genius is denied a + suitable opening. At several literary Clubs in the West End I + made the acquaintance of the authors whose letters you have + just had the opportunity of reading—men who have since + attained to the topmost pinnacle of Fame. At that time they + were comparatively obscure; they 'eard my conversation, they + realised that I 'ad ideers, of which they knew the value + better, perhaps, than I did myself. I used to see them taking + down notes on their shirt-cuffs, and that, but I took no notice + of it at the time. Probably you have read the celebrated work + of fiction by Mr. GASHLEIGH WALKER, entitled, <i>King Cole's + Cellars</i>? I thought so. I gave him the plot, scenery and + characters complete, for that story. I did, indeed."</p> + + <p>"And do you mean to say he has taken all the credit + himself!" you exclaim, very properly shocked.</p> + + <p>"If he has," he replies, meekly, "I am far from + complaining—a shilling or two was an object to me at that + time. And it got me more work of the sort. There's <i>Booty + Bay</i>, now, the book that made ROBERTSON—<i>that</i> + was took down, word for word, from my dictation, in a back + parlour of one of LOCKHART's Cocoa-Rooms. I got fifteen + shillings for that. <i>He</i> got, I daresay, 'undreds of + pounds. Well, <i>I</i> don't grudge it to him. As he said, I + ought to remember he had all the <i>manual</i> labour of it. + Then there's that other book which has sold its thousands, + <i>Four Men in a Funny</i>—that was mine—all but + the last chapter; he <i>would</i> put in that, and, in + <i>my</i> opinion, spoilt it, from an artistic point. But what + could I do? It was out of <i>my</i> 'ands! I must say I never + anticipated myself that it would be so popular. 'I should be + robbing you,' I said, 'if I took more than ten shillings for + it.' All the same, it turned out a good bargain for him. Then + there's the Drama, you would hardly credit it that I could name + three leading theatres at this present moment where pieces are + running which came originally out of <i>my</i> 'ed! But it's no + use my saying so—no one would believe it. And now I've + 'elped all these men up the ladder, they can do without + me—they can go alone—or think they can. See the way + they write—not a word about owing anything to my 'umble + services, a postal order for three-and-six; but that's the + world all over!"</p> + + <p>"But surely," you will sympathetically observe, "you will + expose them, you will insist on sharing in the reward of your + labours—it is a duty you owe to the public, as well as + yourself!"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:36%;"> + <a href="images/97-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/97-2.png" + alt="The perfect gentleman." /></a>"Slow rises worth + by poverty depressed." + </div> + + <p>"So I've been told, Madam. But what can I do?—I'm a + poor man. 'Slow rises worth, by poverty depressed,' as POPE, or + GOLDSMITH—for a similar idea occurs in both—truly + observes. To put my case before the public as it <i>ought</i> + to be put, I should first have to gain the ear of the + Press—and you want a golden key to do that, nowadays. The + Press is very reluctant to run down successful writers. 'Hawks + won't pick out Awkses heyes,' as BURNS remarks. (<i>By this + time you are probably fumbling for your purse, which, as usual, + is at the bottom of your work-basket.</i>) No, they will find + me out some day—after I'm dead and gone, most likely! In + the meantime I envy nobody. I have the consciousness of Genius, + and—I'm sure your generosity is overwhelming, + Madam—I really never ventured to—Pardon these + tears; it is the first time my poor talents have ever obtained + such recognition as this! Could you crown your favours by + giving me the names and addresses of any charitable friends and + neighbours whom you think at all likely to follow your noble + example?... I thank you from my heart, Madam, and, when I + succeed in recovering my literary in'eritance, and am called + upon to issue a collected edition of my works, I shall take the + liberty of inscribing on the title-page a dedication to the + generous benefactress who first 'elped to restore my fallen + fortunes!"</p> + + <p>With this he seals his lips again with the respirator, + pockets his documents and your donation, and bows himself + gratefully out, leaving you to meditate on the unscrupulousness + of popular Authors, and the ease with which a confiding public + is hoodwinked.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>M.P. Manfield, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Northampton's new Member an honour can claim</p> + + <p class="i2">On which he need set little store:</p> + + <p>He now has M.P. written after his name,</p> + + <p class="i2">But he always had M.P. before.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If every M.P. in the lobby counts one,</p> + + <p class="i2">To the <i>Ayes</i>, or the <i>Noes</i>, + walking through,</p> + + <p>Does logic demand, in each case, <i>pro</i> and + <i>con.</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">M.P. MANFIELD, M.P., should count + two?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>CHANCE FOR SPINSTERS OF AN UNCERTAIN AGE.—There is to + be a Mahommedan Mission in England.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page98" + id="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/98.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/98.png" + alt="'THE WATER BABIES AND THE ROYAL GODMOTHER.'" /> + </a> + + <h3>"THE WATER BABIES AND THE ROYAL GODMOTHER."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>BRAVO, BAGSHAWE!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A lady of Bedford, despotic and rash,</p> + + <p>Tried to force her poor groom to shave off his + moustache.</p> + + <p>Judge BAGSHAWE the wise, made her pay for her + prank.</p> + + <p>This makes one inclined to sing, "<i>I know a + Bank</i>,"</p> + + <p>Where BAGSHAWE might bring common-sense, for a + change;</p> + + <p>They're worse than the Lady of Goldington + Grange,</p> + + <p>These Banking Bashaws with three tails, who must + clip</p> + + <p>Nature's health-giving gift from a clerk's chin or + lip.</p> + + <p>Bah! What <i>are</i> they fit for, these stupid old + rules?</p> + + <p>To be shaped by rich tyrants, obeyed by poor + fools!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>QUEER QUERIES.</h3> + + <p>ENGLISH HISTORY.—I have been reading several books on + this subject, and am rather puzzled. Are the English people, + <i>as existing now</i>, Teutons, or Danes, or Celts, or what? + Can we be Teutons when the aborigines of these islands were not + Teutonic? I feel that my own genius—and I have a + lot—is Celtic; at the same time I have always prided + myself on my Norman blood; yet from my liking for the sea, + which never makes me sick, at least at Herne Bay, I fancy I + must be descended from a Scandinavian Viking. What is the + ethnological name given to a person who is an amalgamation of + such heterogeneous elements?—INQUIRER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page99" + id="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/99.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/99.png" + alt="TOUCHING CONFIDENCE IN THE FOG." /></a> + + <h3>TOUCHING CONFIDENCE IN THE FOG.</h3><i>Gentleman of + Engaging Manners.</i> "BLESS YOUR 'EART, YOU'LL BE HALL + RIGHT ALONG O' ME, MUM! LET ME KERRY THE LITTLE BAG FOR + YOU, MUM!!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BRUM AND THE OOLOGIST.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Mr. W. JAMES asked the LORD ADVOCATE whether his + attention had been called to a circular, issued from + Birmingham by the Naturalists' Publishing Company, inviting + applications for shares in "An Oological Expedition to the + land of the Great Auk," meaning the Shetland Isles, and + stating that, "if the season is a pretty fair one, a haul + of at least twenty thousand eggs" of rare sea-birds might + be expected.—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The "Brum" and the Oologist</p> + + <p class="i2">Were walking hand in hand;</p> + + <p>They grinned to see so many birds</p> + + <p class="i2">On cliff, and rock, and sand.</p> + + <p>"If we could only get their eggs,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Said they, "it would be grand."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"If we should start a Company</p> + + <p class="i2">To gather eggs all day,</p> + + <p>Do you suppose," the former said,</p> + + <p class="i2">"That we could make it pay?"</p> + + <p>"We might," said the Oologist,</p> + + <p class="i2">"On the promoting lay!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Then you've a tongue, and I a ship,</p> + + <p class="i2">Likewise some roomy kegs;</p> + + <p>And you might lead the birds a dance</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon their ugly legs;</p> + + <p>And, when you've got them out of sight,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll steal their blooming eggs."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, Sea-birds," said the Midland man,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Let's take a pleasant walk!</p> + + <p>Perhaps among you we may find</p> + + <p class="i2">The Great—or lesser—Auk;</p> + + <p>And you might possibly enjoy</p> + + <p class="i2">A scientific talk."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The skuas and the cormorants,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all the puffin clan,</p> + + <p>The stormy petrels, gulls, and terns,</p> + + <p class="i2">They hopped, and skipped, and ran</p> + + <p>With very injudicious speed</p> + + <p class="i2">To join that oily man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The time has come," remarked the Brum,</p> + + <p class="i2">"For 'talking without tears'</p> + + <p>Of birds unhappily extinct,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet known in former years;</p> + + <p>And how much cash an egg will fetch</p> + + <p class="i2">In Naturalistic spheres."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But not <i>our</i> eggs!" replied the birds,</p> + + <p class="i2">Feeling a little hot.</p> + + <p>"You surely would not rob our nests</p> + + <p class="i2">After this pleasant trot?"</p> + + <p>The Midland man said nothing but,—</p> + + <p class="i2">"I guess he's cleared the lot!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Well!" said that bland Oologist,</p> + + <p class="i2">"We've had a lot of fun.</p> + + <p>Next year, perhaps, these Shetland birds</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll visit—with a gun;</p> + + <p>When—as we've taken all their eggs—</p> + + <p class="i2">There'll probably be none!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Queer Queries.</h3> + + <p>DIVORCE FACILITIES.—I should like to be informed in + what part of the United States it is that a Divorce is granted + in half-an-hour, at a merely nominal fee, on the ground of + conscientious objections to monogamy? What is the cost of + getting there, and would it be necessary that my wife should go + there too? There might be a difficulty in persuading her to + take the journey.</p> + + <p class="author">INCOMPATIBILITY.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A CANADIAN CALENDAR.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>To be hoped not Prophetic.</i>)</h4> + + <p>1892. Reciprocity firmly established between the Dominion + and the U.S.A.</p> + + <p>1893. Emigration ceases between the Dominion and the Mother + Country, and trade dies out.</p> + + <p>1894. Return from Canada of families of the best blood to + England and France.</p> + + <p>1895. Great increase of the Savage Indian Tribes in the + country, and the Improvident Irish Population in the towns of + the Dominion.</p> + + <p>1896. Practical suspension of trade between the Dominion and + the U.S.A., the latter having now attained the desired object + of shutting out goods of British manufacture from the American + market.</p> + + <p>1897. England refuses to assist Canada in resenting Yankee + encroachment in the seal fisheries.</p> + + <p>1898. Canada asks to be annexed to the U.S.A.</p> + + <p>1899. After some hesitation Uncle SAM consents to absorb the + Dominion.</p> + + <p>1900. Canada becomes a tenth-rate Yankee State.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE DICTUM OF DIOGENES.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"One Man, One Vote!" A very proper plan</p> + + <p>If you with each One Vote can find—One + <i>Man</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MRS. GRUNDY TO MR. GOSCHEN.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Three per Cents, the Three per Cents,</p> + + <p class="i2">Serene but mortal Three,</p> + + <p>In view of recent sad events,</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh! give them back to me.</p> + + <p>Oh! GOSCHEN, Sir, kind gentleman,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hear my polite laments;</p> + + <p>Restore this trio, if you can—</p> + + <p class="i2">Those musical Per Cents.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My income once was safe, if small;</p> + + <p class="i2">It's larger, but unpaid,</p> + + <p>Despite "the quite phenomenal</p> + + <p class="i2">Development of Trade."</p> + + <p>The "Bogus Man" is on the track,</p> + + <p class="i2">And queer "Financial Gents"</p> + + <p>Have promised me in white and black</p> + + <p class="i2">Their Six and Ten per Cents.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Three per Cents were regular,</p> + + <p class="i2">Respectable, and good.</p> + + <p>Their health was such that "under par"</p> + + <p class="i2">They very seldom stood;</p> + + <p>They needed no "conversion" rash,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like Darker Continents;</p> + + <p>A sort of Sunday turned to cash</p> + + <p class="i2">They were, my Three per Cents.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A distant river somewhere rolls,</p> + + <p class="i2">The wicked River Plate;</p> + + <p>Upon its <i>banks</i> there flourish souls</p> + + <p class="i2">Perverse and reprobate.</p> + + <p>Ah, send your missionaries <i>there</i>!</p> + + <p class="i2">If haply it repents,</p> + + <p>I'll not surrender Eaton Square</p> + + <p class="i2">For Surrey's wild or Kent's.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not I alone; the best that breathe,</p> + + <p class="i2">Archbishop, Duke, and Lord,</p> + + <p>Your bust with chaplets rare will wreathe,</p> + + <p class="i2">This boon if you'll accord.</p> + + <p>How can we by example shame</p> + + <p class="i2">The mob who mock at rents,</p> + + <p>If we are left to do the same</p> + + <p class="i2">Without our Three per Cents?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Reft of a carriage, life is poor:</p> + + <p class="i2">A well-conducted set</p> + + <p>Needs ready money to procure</p> + + <p class="i2">Their butler and <i>Debrett</i>.</p> + + <p>The country totters to its fall,</p> + + <p class="i2">Disgraced to all intents,</p> + + <p>Unless you instantly recall</p> + + <p class="i2">Our solid Three per Cents.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE FLOWERLESS FUNERAL.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a Flower Merchant.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Funeral Reform? Oh! just a fad,—</p> + + <p>Its advocates, in fact, as bad</p> + + <p class="i2">As those who want Cremation.</p> + + <p>A set of foolish, fussy fools</p> + + <p>Whose misplaced ardour nothing cools—</p> + + <p class="i2">A nuisance to the nation!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Economy, they're all agreed,</p> + + <p>Should be with them a cult and creed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Simplicity a passion.</p> + + <p>They'd quickly wreck this trade of ours,</p> + + <p>Since they would scorn the use of flowers,</p> + + <p class="i2">If they could set the fashion!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes; parsons agitate, but these</p> + + <p>Good gentlemen all take their fees—</p> + + <p class="i2">We thank them much for giving</p> + + <p>Such good advice upon this head,</p> + + <p>But recollect that from the dead</p> + + <p class="i2">We've got to get our living!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>CHORUS OF THE OBJECTORS TO THE PROPOSED LORD'S TUNNEL + RAILWAY.—"WATKIN the matter be!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page100" + id="page100"></a>[pg 100]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h4>No. XIV.—LE PÉTROLIUM; OU, LES SALOPERIES + PARISIENNES.</h4> + + <p>(<i>Par Zorgon-Gola, Auteur de "Toujours Poivre," "Charbon + et Crasse," "La Fange," "499 Pages d'Amour," "Le Pourvoyeur + Universel," "Une Rêveuse qui vise l'Académie</i>.")</p> + + <h4>I.—LA FAMILLE.</h4> + + <p>Si vous voulez voir les <i>Slums</i> Parisiens et comprendre + le Peuple—avec la majuscule—vous devez visiter les + Saloperies, faubourg au delà de Belleville et de Ménilmontant, + faubourg où les femmes sortent le matin en cheveux—ça ne + veut pas dire comme Lady GODIVA, mais simplement sans + chapeau—acheter de la charcuterie; et où vers minuit dans + des bouges infects les hommes se coupent le gavion, en bons + zigs, après une soirée de rigolade. C'est ici qu'on trouve des + admirables exemplaires de cette nombreuse famille EGOU-OGWASH, + qui, datant de PHARAMOND, peuple Paris et joue tous les rôles + dans la comédie humaine. Ce n'est pas une famille tout à fait + vieille roche, voyez-vous: au contraire, ça commence dans la + boue de Provence et finit dans les égouts de Paris; mais elle + est distinguée, tout de même. Elle a son épilepsie héréditaire, + belle et forte épilepsie qu'on trouvera partout dans cette + vingtaine de romans que je suis resolu d'écrire au sujet des + EGOU-OGWASH. C'est une épilepsie généalogique. Il y en a pour + toute la famille.</p> + + <h4>II.—LES POPPOT.</h4> + + <p>JANE POPPOT se promenait sur le Boulevard des Saloperies par + une belle matinée d'août. En cheveux, panier sur le bras, elle + allait acheter de la charcuterie pour le déjeuner de son mari, + oui, son mari pour de bon, chose unique dans la famille OGWASH, + un vrai mariage à la Mairie et à l'église. Cette petite blonde, + JANE, a ses idées à elle de se ranger, de vivre en honnête + femme avec son respectable JEAN POPPOT qui l'adore, au point de + lui pardonner tout le volume premier de son histoire.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/100.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/100.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Il n'y a pas dans tout Paris ménage plus gentil que le petit + appartement au septième des POPPOT dans une cité ouvrière de ce + Betnal Grin Parisien. Tout va bien avec ces braves gens. Lui, + c'est le Steeple-Jack de Paris, où il fait les réparations de + tous les toits. Elle, blanchisseuse de fin, a développé un + secret dans la façon d'empeser les plastrons de chemises. Elle + fait des plastrons monumentaux, luisants, dur comme l'albâtre. + Elle a des clients dans le beau monde et à l'étranger, jusqu'au + Prince de BALEINES, qui lui confie ses chemises de grande + toilette, celles qu'il porte au diner du Lor Maire, par + exemple.</p> + + <p>JANE achète sa charcuterie, et après elle s'arrête au coin + de la rue pour regarder Paris. C'était un tic qu'elle avait, de + regarder Paris. Cela tenait de la famille OGWASH. Instinct de + race.</p> + + <p>Paris, vu du hauteur des Saloperies, semble une grande + marmite pleine de boue et de sang, où les gens grouillent, se + tordent, s'empiffrent, se dévorent, et <i>squirment</i> dans + leur propre graisse, comme de la blanchaille sautant dans + l'huile bouillante. Un nuage de <i>sewer-gaz</i> monte jusqu'à + JANE stationnée sur la hauteur de Belleville; et dans cette + brume puante elle sent l'odeur de femmes et de l'ognon, le + cognac, le meurtre, le fricot, le mont de piété, les omnibus, + les croquemorts, les gargotes, les bals à l'entrée libre pour + dames, tout ce qu'il y a de funeste et de choquant dans cette + ville infecte.</p> + + <p>JANE s'amuse à flairer toutes ces horreurs pendant que le + pauvre POPPOT danse devant le buffet en attendant l'arlequin ou + le demi kilo de charcuterie assortie dans le panier de sa + femme.</p> + + <h4>III.—DÉGRINGOLADE.</h4> + + <p>Elle a dégringolé. Cela a commencé tout doucement en + trainant ses savates. Quand une femme dégringole elle traine + ses savates. C'est une loi universelle. L'on ne dégringole pas + sans trainer ses savates; l'on ne traine pas ses savates sans + dégringoler. Ainsi gare aux souliers éculés. O, mais elle est + changée, cette pauvre p'tite blonde! La maladie héréditaire des + EGOU-OGWASH vient d'être indiquée. POPPOT, ce brave POPPOT, lui + aussi il dégringole, il resemble à un réverbère sur le + boulevard dont on oublie d'éteindre le gaz. Il est allumé du + matin au soir.</p> + + <p>Ça a commencé si gentiment après que ce bon Steeple-Jack + était tombé du faîte de Notre Dame, où il faisait des + réparations. Le pauvre homme a fait cette chute en regardant + JANE, qui dansait le cancan sur la Place du Parvis pour choquer + ces crétins de <i>Cook-tourists</i>, et pour distraire son + mari. C'était pendant la convalescence de POPPOT que la + dégringolade a commencé. JANE lui donna un dé à coudre de + vilain cognac, et de ce premier doigt de casse-poitrine à + l'ivrognerie brutale n'était qu'une glissade, presque aussi + rapide que la glissade de Notre Dame. POPPOT trainait ses + savates; il chômait; il rigolait; il gardait le Saint Lundi; il + passait des journées devant le buffet du Pétrolium, ce grand + cabaret du peuple où l'on voyait distiller le trois-six pour + tout le quartier.</p> + + <p>JANE faisait pire que dégringoler; elle cascadait. Elle ne + se débarbouillait plus. Elle avait pris en horreur le savon. + Est-ce une aversion héréditaire, datant de la première femme + qui a senti la puanteur de cet abominable savon français, avant + la bienfaisante invention de M. POIRES? Sans doute c'était + l'atavisme en quelque forme. Elle avait son béguin. C'était le + linge sale. Plus il était sale, plus elle en raffolait. Elle ne + voulait plus les chemises en batiste fine du Prince de + BALEINES. Elle priait les aristos du Jockey Club de donner + leurs plastrons à d'autres. Les clients qu'elle préferait + étaient les porte-faix, les forts de la halle, les chauffeurs + du chemin de fer. C'était en allant chercher le linge de ces + derniers qu'elle entrait sans le savoir dans le Dédale de cette + voie ferrée qui enlace et écrase les êtres vivants comme les + grandes roues des locomotives écrasent la poussière de la + voie.</p> + + <p>Le Président du P.L.M. lui aussi avait son béguin + héréditaire. Il courait les femmes malpropres. Plus elles ne se + débarbouillaient pas, plus il les courait. C'était innocent. Il + les admirait du côté esthétique. Cela tenait de la famille, + puis de ce que lui aussi était de la vieille souche des + EGOU-OGWASH. Il s'allumait en lorgnant la figure noircie de + cette pauvre JANE, et la rencontrant dans la gare un jour il se + permit un pen de <i>flirtà ge</i> sans penser à mal. Mais par + une fatalité, POPPOT, affreusement paf, descendait d'une + quatrième classe au moment ou le vieux baisait la main + crasseuse de JANE, en lui disant son gentil bon soir: et des + cet instant POPPOT voyait rouge.</p> + + <h4>IV.—SURINADE.</h4> + + <p>IL voyait rouge. Paris lui semblait un abattoir. Il couvait + le meurtre, et pour l'aider il avait un complice qui était du + métier, JACQUES RISPÈRE, conducteur de machines sur le P.L.M., + qui avait aussi sa manie héréditaire, et sa manie à lui était + de couper les gorges. Il les coupait sans rancune, à + l'improviste, en souriant à sa victime, les yeux dans les yeux. + Cric! c'était fait. Par exemple il est descendu un jour de la + locomotive et devant le buffet d'une station où il n'y avait + pas trop de monde il a suriné la <i>barmaid</i> qui lui + souriait en lui vendant une brioche. Il a égorgé son chauffeur + au risque d'arrêter le train de luxe entre Avignon et + Marseilles. On ne le punit pas. Cela tenait de la famille.</p> + + <p>"Touche là , mon drôle! C'est convenu," dit JACQUES RISPÈRE, + après un entretien de quelques heures devant le buffet du + Pétrolium. "Moi, j'arrangerai tout cela avec les + fonctionnaires. Le train arrivant de Génève doit passer le + Rapide entre Macon et Dijon. Il ne passera pas. Je retarderai + le train omnibus arrivant de Marseilles. J'accélererai le + <i>train-luggage</i> arrivant de Paris. Il y aura une mêlée de + quatre trains, entrechoqués, tordus, enlacés, faisant le + <i>pique-à -baque</i>: et pendant cette mêlée j'égorgerai ce + vieux mufe de Président. C'est simple."</p> + + <p>"Comme bon jour," repondit POPPOT, aveuglément soûl.</p> + + <p>RISPÈRE tenait parole. À onze heures du soir il y avait une + de ces catastrophes qui font frémir l'Europe voyageuse. + L'assassin ne <span class="pagenum"><a name="page101" + id="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span> s'arrêtait pas à la gorge + du Président. Le vieil aristo n'avait pas assez de sang pour + assouvir la soif meurtrière de l'épileptique. RISPÈRE + égorgea tout le monde, à tort et à travers, une véritable + tuerie. On le prit les mains rouges, la bouche blanche + d'écume. C'était la vraie épilepsie d'ESQUIROL.</p> + + <p>Quant à POPPOT personne n'a soupçonné sa complicité dans ce + crime gigantesque. Lui et JANE se soûlent paisiblement du matin + an soir devant le buffet du Pétrolium, en amis. Ils deviennent + tous les jours plus pauvres, plus paresseux, et plus poivres. + Ainsi c'est facile de prévoir leur fin:—</p> + + <p>L'hôpital, trente pages de délire alcoölique, et la fosse + commune.</p> + + <p><i>Note de l'Auteur</i>.—C'est mon intention + irrévocable de finir ma vingtaine de romans sur la famille + OGWASH, et je compte avec plasir offrir les dix-neuf à suivre à + mon ami estimé, <i>Ponche</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LISTENING TO THE GENTLE KOOEN.</h2> + + <p><i>Maid Marian</i> is "a Comic Opera in Three Acts," at + least so I gather from the title-page of the book and from the + programme of the Prince of Wales's Theatre; though where the + comicality comes in, except occasionally with Mr. MONKHOUSE, it + would require <i>Sam Weller's</i> "pair o' patent double + million magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra power" to detect. + Mr. LE HAY, too, has nothing like the opportunity which was + given him in <i>Prince Bulbo</i>. Now, when in a so-called + Comic Opera your two principal low comedians have very little + to do, say, or sing, and when that little is not of a + particularly side-splitting character, and when the plot is not + replete with comic situations, such a work must depend for its + success on the freshness of its melodies, on the popularity of + its <i>artistes</i>, and on the excellence of its + <i>mise-en-scène</i>.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/101-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/101-1.png" + alt="Libretto by Smith. As he appears in Act III., 'hammering at it.'" /> + </a>Libretto by Smith. As he appears in Act III., + "hammering at it." + </div> + + <p>As to the last of these essentials, if, perhaps, it is not + so brilliantly placed on the stage as some other shows have + been, yet there is plenty of Harrisian movement, due always to + the devices in stage-management of CHARLES of that ilk, who + certainly knows how to keep the Chorus moving and the game + alive generally.</p> + + <p>The yet existing admirers of the once enormously popular + composer, OFFENBACH, among whom I certainly include myself, + will be much gratified by the delicately introduced + reminiscences of the work of that master of <i>opéra bouffe</i> + which occasionally crop up during the performance of <i>Maid + Marian</i>. If it be permissible for great Masters to repeat + themselves, as notably more than one has done, may not little + Masters exhibit the results of their profound studies in the + schools of popular Composers? Surely they may; and was I not + pleased with Mr. DE KOOEN (whose name seems to suggest "the + voice of the turtle,"—the dove, not the soup) when his + prelude to the Third Act distinctly recalled to my attentive + mind the celebrated unison effect in <i>L'Africaine</i>, only + without the marvellous jump, which, when first heard, thrilled + the audience, and compelled an enthusiastic encore? Then Miss + VIOLET CAMERON sang a song about the bells, with a chorus not + in the least like that in <i>Les Cloches de Corneville</i> you + understand, because the latter, I think, is performed without + the bells sounding, but in this there is a musical peal which + intensifies the distinction between the two. This "number" was + encored heartily, nay, I think it was demanded three times, and + came just at the right moment to freshen up the entertainment. + In the previous Act Miss ATTALIE CLAIRE had had a good song + which had also obtained an encore, thoroughly well deserved as + far as her singing was concerned.</p> + + <p>I forget what Mr. COFFIN had to sing, but, whatever it was, + he did it more than justice, as did also the <i>basso + profondo</i>, whose efforts in producing his voice from, + apparently, his boots, were crowned with remarkable + success.</p> + + <p>The <i>Friar Tuck</i> here is a kind of good old-fashioned + burlesque Friar, more like that one some years ago at the + Gaiety, in <i>Little Robin Hood</i> than the Friar in + <i>Ivanhoe</i>. But I should say that this Friar would be + uncommonly thankful to have got anything like the song that Sir + ARTHUR has given <i>his</i> Friar over the way, or something + even as good as Mr. DALLAS had to sing, years ago, in REECE's + Gaiety Burlesque. However, perhaps it was not intended for a + singing part, and perhaps the actor who plays it is not a + professional singer. We're not all of us born with silver notes + in our chests.</p> + + <p>I see that Mr. HORACE SEDGER announces the drama in action, + entitled <i>L'Enfant Prodigue</i>, which recently made such a + hit in Paris. Wonder how it will go here. Not knowing, can't + prophesy.</p> + + <p class="author">PRIVATE BOX.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>The Baron thanks Sir HENRY THOMPSON for his <i>Food and + Feeding</i>, which (published by WARNE & Co., a suggestive + name) has reached its sixth edition. It is, indeed, an + entertaining work, and a work that all honest entertainers + should carefully study. It will delight alike the host and the + guest. To the first, Sir HENRY, being a host in himself, can + give such valuable advice as, if acted upon, will secure the + ready pupil a position as a Lucullus of the first class; and, + even when so placed, he will still have much to learn from this + Past Grand Master in the art of living well and wisely. "<i>Fas + est ab 'hoste' doceri</i>"—and a better host it would be + difficult to find as teacher than Sir HENRY THOMPSON, P.G.M., + to whose health and happiness the Baron quaffs a bumper of + burgundy of the right sort and at the right time. Most + opportunely does this book appear in the season of Lent, which + may be well and profitably spent in acquiring a thorough + knowledge of how to turn to the best account the fleshpots of + Egypt, when the penitential time is past, and the yolk of + mortification is thrown off with the welcome return of the + Easter Egg. Read attentively what our guide and friend has to + say about salads, especially note his remarks on the salad of + "cold boiled table vegetables." His arrangement of the + <i>menu</i>, to the Baron's simple taste, humble mode of life, + and not inconsiderable experience, is perfect. <i>Hors + d'oeuvres</i> are works of supererogation, and have never been, + so to speak, acclimatised in our English table-land. The Baron + may have overlooked any directions about <i>écrivisses</i>, not + as <i>bisque</i>, but pure and simple as cray-fish, which, + fresh from the river and served hot and hot come in late but + welcome as an admirable refresher to the palate, and as a + relish for the champagne, though the Baron is free to admit + that the dainty manipulation of them is somewhat of a trial to + the inexperienced guest, especially in the presence of "Woman, + lovely Woman." "Hease afore helegance," was <i>Mr. Weller's</i> + motto, but "Ease combined with elegance" may be attained in a + few lessons, which any skilled M.D.E. (<i>i.e.</i>, <i>Mangeur + d'écrivisses</i>) will be delighted to give at the + well-furnished table of an apt and ardent pupil. Once more + "<i>Your</i> health, Sir HENRY!" that's the Baron's toast + (bread not permitted) in honour of the eminent practician who + does so much for the health of everybody.</p> + + <p>That a considerable number of novel-readers like <i>Saint + Monica</i>, by Mrs. BENNETT-EDWARDS, is evident, because it has + reached its sixth edition, but that the Baron is not one of + this happy number he is fain to admit. <i>Saint Monica</i> + seems to him to be a story with which the author of <i>As in a + Looking-Glass</i> might have done something in his peculiar + way. It begins with promise, which promise is not justified by + performance.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/101-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/101-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Who does not welcome the works of HAWLEY SMART, the + brightest of our novelists? This is not a conundrum, and, + consequently, has no answer. Everybody likes the books of our + literary Major, and everybody will be pleased with <i>The + Plunger</i>. The new Story is in two volumes, and is full of + incident. There is a murder, which carries one through, from + the first page to the last, in a state of breathless + excitement. Not that the tale commences with the tragedy. But + its anticipation is as delightful as its subsequent + realisation; and, when the mystery is solved, joy becomes + universal. The story is told with so light a hand, that it may + be truly said that the only "heavy" thing about the book is its + title.</p> + + <p><i>The Autobiography of Joseph Jefferson</i> is a good stout + volume, full of portraits and interest from beginning to end, + forming an important addition to the theatrical history of the + day. The Baron drinks to his old friend, the greatest + <i>Rip</i> that ever lived. "Here's your health, and your + family's, and may you live long, and prosper!" says, heartily, + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page102" + id="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/102.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/102.png" + alt="SATIETY." /></a> + + <h3>SATIETY.</h3>"OH, MAMMY DARLING, WHY CAN'T THE + TOYSHOP-MAN CALL FOR ORDERS EVERY MORNING, LIKE THE BAKER?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CORIOLANUS.</h2> + + <p>"<i>First Citizen</i>. Consider you what services he has + done for his country?</p> + + <p>"<i>Second Citizen</i>. Very well; and could be content to + give him good report for't, but that he pays himself with being + proud."—<i>Coriolanus</i>, Act I., Scene 1.</p> + + <p><i>Teuton Coriolanus loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>Was ever man so proud as is this</i> + MARCIUS?"</p> + + <p>There spake the babbling Tribune! Proud? Great + gods!</p> + + <p>All power seems pride to men of petty souls,</p> + + <p>As the oak's knotted strength seems arrogance</p> + + <p>To the slime-rooted and wind-shaken reed</p> + + <p>That shivers in the shallows.</p> + + <p class="i10">I who perched,</p> + + <p>An eagle on the topmost pinnacle</p> + + <p>Of the State's eminence, and harried thence</p> + + <p>All lesser fowl like sparrows!—I to hide</p> + + <p>Like a chased moor-hen in a marsh, and bate</p> + + <p>The breath that awed the world into a whisper,</p> + + <p>That would not shake a taper-flame or stir</p> + + <p>A flickering torch to flaring!</p> + + <p class="i10">"<i>I do wonder</i></p> + + <p><i>His insolence can brook to be commanded</i></p> + + <p><i>Under</i> COMINIUS." So the Roman said:</p> + + <p>SICINIUS VELUTUS, thou hadst reason.</p> + + <p>Under COMINIUS! Who's COMINIUS now?</p> + + <p>The adolescent Emperor, or his cool</p> + + <p>Complacent Chancellor? COMINIUS!</p> + + <p>Unseasoned youth, or untried middle-age,</p> + + <p>A shouting boy, or a sleek-spoken elder,</p> + + <p>Hot stripling, cool supplanter!</p> + + <p class="i10">I serve not</p> + + <p>"Under COMINIUS," nay!—yet since he stands</p> + + <p>There, where I made firm footing amidst chaos,</p> + + <p>Stands in smug comfort where we Titans + struggled—</p> + + <p>MOLTKE, and I, and the great Emperor,—</p> + + <p>Struggled for vantage, which he owes to + us;—</p> + + <p>Since he stands there, and I in shadow sit,</p> + + <p>Silenced and chidden, I half <i>feel</i> I + serve,</p> + + <p>Whom he would bid to second. Second <i>him</i>,</p> + + <p>In that Imperial Policy whose vast</p> + + <p>And soaring shape, like air-launched eagle, + seemed</p> + + <p>To fill the sky, and shadow half the world?</p> + + <p>As well the Eagle's self might be expected</p> + + <p>To second the small jay!</p> + + <p class="i10">My shadow, mine?</p> + + <p>Yes, but distorted by the skew-cast ray</p> + + <p>Of a far lesser sun than lit the noon</p> + + <p>Of my meridian glory. So I spurn</p> + + <p>The shrunken simulacrum!</p> + + <p class="i10">And they shriek,</p> + + <p>Shout censure at me, the cur-crowd who crouched,</p> + + <p>Ere that a woman's hate and a boy's pride</p> + + <p>Smote me, the new Abimelech, so sore;</p> + + <p>They'd hush me, like a garrulous greybeard, + chaired</p> + + <p>At the hearth-corner out of harm; they'd hush</p> + + <p>My voice—the valorous vermin! What say + they?</p> + + <p>"<i>That's a brave fellow; but he's vengeance + proud</i>;</p> + + <p><i>Loves not the common people!</i>" Humph! I + stand</p> + + <p>As MARCIUS would not, in the market-place,</p> + + <p>And show my wounds to the people. Is <i>that</i> + pride?</p> + + <p>I stooped to—<i>her!</i>—let me not + think of that;</p> + + <p>'T would poison paradise!—but is <i>that</i> + pride?</p> + + <p>The Roman pride was stiff and taciturn,</p> + + <p>And I,—they tell me, I "will still be + talking,"</p> + + <p>And no MENENIUS is by to say</p> + + <p>In charity of the modern MARCIUS,</p> + + <p>"<i>Consider this:—he has been bred i'the + wars</i></p> + + <p><i>Since he could draw a sword, and is + ill-school'd</i></p> + + <p><i>In bolted language: meal and bran + together</i></p> + + <p><i>He throws without distinction</i>."</p> + + <p class="i10">Well, well, well</p> + + <p>"<i>I would he had continued to his country</i></p> + + <p><i>As he began; and not unknit, himself,</i></p> + + <p><i>The noble knot he made</i>." So they'll whine + out</p> + + <p>The smug SICINIUSES. But what I wonder</p> + + <p>If once again the Volscians make new head!</p> + + <p>Who, "like an eagle in a dovecote," then</p> + + <p>Will flutter them and discipline AUFIDIUS?</p> + + <p>An eagle! Shall I spurn my shadow, then</p> + + <p>Trample my own projection? So they babble</p> + + <p>Who'd silence me, make this my + mouthpiece<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> + mute;</p> + + <p>Who prate of prosecution—banishment,</p> + + <p>Perchance, anon, for me, as for the Roman,</p> + + <p>Because "I cannot brook to be commanded</p> + + <p>Under COMINIUS." What said VOLUMNIA</p> + + <p>To her imperious son? "<i>The man was noble,</i></p> + + <p><i>But with his last attempt he wiped it + out;</i></p> + + <p><i>Destroy'd his country; and his name + remains</i></p> + + <p><i>To the ensuing age abhorr'd.</i>" I would not + have</p> + + <p>My own VIRGILIA say so—she who frets,</p> + + <p>At my colossal chafing. ARNIM's shade</p> + + <p>Would mock my fall; but silent Friedrichsruh</p> + + <p>Irks me, whilst lesser spirits so misshape</p> + + <p>My vast designs, whose shadow, dwarfed, + distorted,</p> + + <p>I trample in my anger, + thus—thus—thus!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>The <i>Hamburger Nachrichten</i>, in whose columns (says + the <i>Times</i>) Prince BISMARCK, according to the friends + of the Government, "inspires incessant attacks upon the + Imperial Policy, domestic, foreign, and colonial, and + especially upon the proceedings of his successor, General + CAPRIVI."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page103" + id="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/103.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/103.png" + alt="CORIOLANUS." /></a> + + <h3>CORIOLANUS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">"SUCH A NATURE,</p> + + <p>TICKLED WITH GOOD SUCCESS, DISDAINS THE + SHADOW</p> + + <p>WHICH HE TREADS ON AT + NOON."—<i>Coriolanus</i>, Act I., Sc. 1.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page105" + id="page105"></a>[pg 105]</span> + + <h2>DUMAS UP TO ARMY ESTIMATES' DATE.</h2> + + <h4>PART I.—<i>The Three Volunteers.</i></h4> + + <p>LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were + delighted with the progress discernible in every detail of the + battalion to which it was their honour to belong. Not a man + that did not appear on parade conscious of the fact that he had + made himself proficient—the privates were contented, the + non-commissioned officers happy. It was, indeed, a model + Regiment. On the occasion of their inspection by Colonel + D'ARTAGNAN, a man marched from the ranks, and demanded a + hearing.</p> + + <p>"And what do <i>you</i> want?" asked the inspecting + officer.</p> + + <p>"We wish the unjust to be made just," returned the + discontented one. "We ask for a reform."</p> + + <p>PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS would have protested, but Colonel + D'ARTAGNAN motioned them to be silent. "I am here," he + murmured, "to listen to complaints. I must listen to his."</p> + + <p>"Sir," said the complainant, "we have admirable + officers—the Lieutenant, the Captain, and the Major. They + are always at work."</p> + + <p>"Yes," returned Colonel D'ARTAGNAN; "and so are you."</p> + + <p>"But we have merely to obey orders, and not to command. We + feel that although we pay for everything connected with the + battalion, we should do something more. We ought to subscribe a + sum to pay our excellent officers for commanding us!"</p> + + <p>And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS refused the suggestion, to + the great disappointment of their subordinates.</p> + + <h4>PART II.—<i>Twenty Years Afterwards.</i></h4> + + <p>LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were + once again being inspected by D'ARTAGNAN, now wearing the gold + and crimson scarf of a general officer.</p> + + <p>"Yes, I have a complaint to make," replied one of the rank + and file, in reply to the customary interrogation. "We have + three officers; but they have merely to give orders, while we + have to obey them. This is unfair—unjust. We are always + at work."</p> + + <p>"Yes," returned General D'ARTAGNAN, "and so are they."</p> + + <p>"True enough. We feel that, although they pay everything for + the battalion, they should do more. They ought to compensate + their excellent privates for the time we devote to obeying + them."</p> + + <p>And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS accepted the suggestion, to + the great delight of their subordinates.</p> + + <h4>PART III.—<i>Ten Years Later.</i></h4> + + <p>Lieutenant PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were yet + again on parade.</p> + + <p>"I salute you, my friends," said Field Marshal D'ARTAGNAN, + the inspecting officer. "But where is your Regiment?"</p> + + <p>PORTHOS looked at ATHOS, and ATHOS glanced at ARAMIS. Then + they replied in a breath, "It has been disbanded."</p> + + <p>"Disbanded!" echoed D'ARTAGNAN. "But where are the accounts + of the Corps?"</p> + + <p>Then the three friends replied in a mournful tone, "Filed in + the Court of Bankruptcy!"</p> + + <p>"And what do you call this filing of officers' accounts in + the Court of Bankruptcy?"</p> + + <p>"We call it the last act of the Volunteer Movement, which, + by the way, however, was not entirely voluntary!"</p> + + <p>And the four friends having no further occupation requiring + their joint attention, shook hands warmly, and parted—for + ever!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN—TO DINNER.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Dinner-Belle.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>No. I.—THE OVER-CULTURED UNDERGRADUATE.</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:31%;"> + <a href="images/105.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/105.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He stood, as if posed by a column,</p> + + <p class="i2">Awaiting our hostess' advance;</p> + + <p>Complacently pallid and solemn,</p> + + <p class="i2">He deigned an Olympian glance.</p> + + <p>Icy cool, in a room like a crater,</p> + + <p class="i2">He silently marched me down-stairs,</p> + + <p>And Mont Blanc could not freeze with a greater</p> + + <p class="i2">Assurance of grandeur and airs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I questioned if Balliol was jolly—</p> + + <p class="i2">"Your epithet," sighed he, "means + noise.</p> + + <p>Vile noise! At his age it were folly</p> + + <p class="i2">To revel with Philistine boys."</p> + + <p>Competition, the century's vulture,</p> + + <p class="i2">Devoured academical fools;</p> + + <p>For himself, utter pilgrim of Culture,</p> + + <p class="i2">He countenanced none of the Schools.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Exams: were a Brummagem fashion</p> + + <p class="i2">Of mobs and inferior taste;</p> + + <p>They withered "Translucence" and "Passion,"</p> + + <p class="i2">They vulgarised leisure by haste.</p> + + <p>Self to realise—that was the question,</p> + + <p class="i2">Inscrutable still while the cooks</p> + + <p>Of our Colleges preached indigestion,</p> + + <p class="i2">Their Dons indigestible books.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Two volumes alone were not bathos,</p> + + <p class="i2">The one by an early Chinese,</p> + + <p>The other, that infinite pathos,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our Nursery Rhymes, if you please.</p> + + <p>He was lost, he avowed, in this era;</p> + + <p class="i2">His spirit was seared by the West,</p> + + <p>But he deemed to be Monk in Madeira</p> + + <p class="i2">Would probably suit him the best.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Impressions of Babehood" in plenty</p> + + <p class="i2">Succeeded, "Hot youth" and its tears,</p> + + <p>Till I wondered if ninety or twenty</p> + + <p class="i2">Summed up his unbearable years.</p> + + <p>Great Heavens! I turned to my neighbour,</p> + + <p class="i2">A SQUARSON by culture unblest;</p> + + <p>And welcomed at length in field-labour</p> + + <p class="i2">And foxes refreshment and rest.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>QUESTION OF THE KNIGHT.—If it be true, as was + mentioned in the <i>World</i> last week, that Mr. Justice + WRIGHT has "climbed down," only to be placed upon a higher + perch, will any change of name follow on the Knighthood? Will + he be known as Sir ROBERT RONG, late Mr. JUSTICE WRIGHT?</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2> + + <p>THE JERRYBAND PIANO is a thundering instrument.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>THE JERRYBAND PIANO should be in every Lunatic Asylum.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>THE JERRYBAND PIANO.—This wonderful and unique + instrument, horizontal and perpendicular Grand, five octaves, + hammerless action, including keyboard, pedals, gong, peal of + bells, ophicleide stop, and all the newest improvements, can be + seen at Messrs. SPLITTE AND SON's Establishment, High Holborn, + and purchased ON THE FIFTY YEARS' HIRE SYSTEM, by which, at a + payment of 1<i>s.</i> 1-1/2<i>d.</i> a week, the piano, or what + is left of it, becomes the property of the purchaser, or his + heirs and executors, at the expiration of that period.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA is a new after-dinner, home-grown Sherry, of quite + extraordinary value and startling excellence.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA is a full, fruity, gout-giving, generous, heady + wine, smooth on the palate, round in the mouth, full of body, + wing, character, and crust.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA may be safely offered at funerals.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA is a beverage for Dukes in distressed + circumstances.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA <i>is the wine, par excellence</i>, for the + retrenching.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA, mixed with citrate of soda, treacle, and + soda-water, and drunk in the dark immediately after a glass of + hot ginger brandy, will be found to possess all the quality of + a low-priced Champagne.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA is the making of an economical wedding + breakfast.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA. A few parcels of this unique and delicious Wine + are still to be had of the grower, a Sicilian Count, for the + moment resident in Houndsditch, at the nominal price, inclusive + of the bottles, of five shillings and ninepence the dozen.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>An Explanation.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already + mortgaged. In 1892 you may count upon me."—Mr. JEROME + K. JEROME, <i>not</i> Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING. <i>See "Punch," + Feb. 14</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, Mr. KIPLING!—you whose pungent pen</p> + + <p class="i2">Of pirate publishers has been the + terror,</p> + + <p>Try hard, I beg you, to forgive me, when</p> + + <p class="i2">I openly confess I wrote in error.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was not you by whom the deed was done.</p> + + <p class="i2">But Mr. JEROME 'twas who wrote and said + he</p> + + <p>Could not contribute, since his Ninety-One</p> + + <p class="i2">Was mortgaged to the Editors already.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas rough on you, indeed, in such a way,</p> + + <p class="i2">By thinking you were he, to dim your + glory.</p> + + <p>Yet pray believe I really grieve to say</p> + + <p class="i2">I mixed you up with quite "another + story"!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DRAMATIC ILLUSTRATION OF AN ADVERTISEMENT.—In one of + the advertising columns of the <i>Times</i> the paragraph + appeared one day last week. The newspaper containing it lay on + the table of a drawing-room. Elderly beau was making up (he was + accustomed to making-up in another sense, as his wig and + whiskers could testify) to charming young lady. Such was the + scene. He asked her to accept him. Her reply was to show him + the heading of this advertisement in the + <i>Times</i>:—"YOUTH WANTED." <i>Tableau! Exit</i> Beau. + Curtain.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page106" + id="page106"></a>[pg 106]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/106.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/106.png" + alt="MISS PARLIAMENT'S DREAM OF A FANCY BALL." /></a> + + <h3>MISS PARLIAMENT'S DREAM OF A FANCY BALL.</h3><i>A + Suggestion for Druriolanus at Covent Garden.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" + id="page107"></a>[pg 107]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH TO MISS CANADA.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, Canada, dear Canada, we shall not + discombobulate</p> + + <p>Ourselves concerning JONATHAN. 'Tis true he tried to + rob you late</p> + + <p>(That is if Tariff-diddling may be qualified as + robbery),</p> + + <p>But BULL has learned the wisdom of not kicking up a + bobbery.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No, Canada, we love you dear, and shall be greatly + gratified</p> + + <p>If by your March Elections our relations + are—say ratified.</p> + + <p>We don't expect self-sacrifice, we do not beg for + gratitude,</p> + + <p>But keep an interested eye, my dear, upon your + attitude.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Railings and ravings rantipole we hold are + reprehensible,</p> + + <p>But of our kindly kinship we're affectionately + sensible.</p> + + <p>A mother's proud to see her child learning to "run + alone," you know;</p> + + <p>But does not wish to see her "run away" from home, + she'll own you know.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>MACDONALD is magniloquent, perhaps a bit + thrasonical;</p> + + <p>His dark denunciations—at a + distance—sound ironical.</p> + + <p>And when we read the rows between him and Sir + RICHARD CARTWRIGHT; dear,</p> + + <p>We have our doubts if either chief quite plays the + patriot part right, dear!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But there, we know that party speeches are not + <i>merum nectar</i>, all,</p> + + <p>And we can take the measure of magniloquence + electoral;</p> + + <p>The tipple Party Spirit men will stir and + whiskey-toddy-fy,</p> + + <p>But when they have to drink it—cold—its + strength they greatly modify.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Beware the Ides of March? Oh, no! All auguries we + defy, my dear!</p> + + <p>The spectre of disloyalty don't scare us; all my + eye, my dear.</p> + + <p>So vote away, dear Canada! our faith's in friendly + freedom, dear;</p> + + <p>And croakers, Yank, or Canuck, or home-born, we + shall not heed 'em, dear!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/107-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/107-2.png" + alt="A SENSITIVE EAR." /></a> + + <h3>A SENSITIVE EAR.</h3> + + <p><i>Intelligent Briton</i>. "BUT WE HAVE NO THEATRE, NO + ACTORS WORTHY OF THE NAME, MADEMOISELLE! WHY, THE ENGLISH + DELIVERY OF BLANK VERSE IS SIMPLY TORTURE TO AN EAR + ACCUSTOMED TO HEAR IT GIVEN ITS FULL BEAUTY AND + SIGNIFICANCE BY A BERNHARDT OR A COQUELIN!"</p> + + <p><i>Mademoiselle</i>. "INDEED? I HAVE NEVER HEARD + BERNHARDT OR COQUELIN RECITE ENGLISH BLANK VERSE!"</p> + + <p><i>Intelligent Briton</i>. "OF COURSE NOT. I MEAN + <i>FRENCH</i> BLANK VERSE—THE BLANK VERSE OF + CORNEILLE, RACINE, MOLIÈRE!"</p> + + <p><i>Mademoiselle</i>. "OH, MONSIEUR, THERE IS NO SUCH + THING!"</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>Briton still tries to look + intelligent.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday Night, February + 16</i>.—After long tarrying, House once more justified + its old character. Been dolefully dull these weeks and months + past. Thought it was dead; only been sleeping. To-night woke + up, and audience that filled every Bench, blocked the Gangways, + and thronged the Bar, had rare treat. Occasion was the + indictment of Prince ARTHUR; long pending; was to have come off + at beginning of Session; put off on account of counter + attractions in Committee-Room No. 15; postponement no longer + possible; and here we are, House throbbing with excitement, OLD + MORALITY nervously clacking about Treasury Bench, bringing his + chicks together under his wing. RANDOLPH brought his young + beard down to witness performance.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/107-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/107-1.png" + alt="A Buffer Q.C." /></a>A Buffer Q.C. + </div> + + <p>Initial difficulty in Irish Camp; Brer FOX sitting in old + place, two steps down third bench below Gangway. Brer RABBIT, + sunk in profound meditation, oblivious to the rival Leader's + presence, occupies corner seat; room for one between them. Who + shall take it? Anxious time for TIM HEALY. Nothing he dreads so + much as possibility of outbreak. In Committee-Room No. 15, Brer + FOX snatched out of Brer RABBIT's hand a sheet of paper. + Suppose now, in sudden paroxysm, he were to reach forth and + taking Brer RABBIT by the beard bang his head against the back + of the Bench? TIM's gentle nature shivered with apprehension; + thing to do was to get a good plump gentleman set between the + two, so that in case hostilities broke out his body might be + used as buffer. Thought of ELTON first. Besides a professional + desire to find occupation for Members of the Bar, ELTON's + figure seemed made on purpose for the peaceful errand TIM had + in mind. Broached subject. ELTON said, always happy to oblige; + but was, in fact, just now retiring from Parliamentary life; + didn't care to be brought into undue prominence. Besides, he + belonged to other side of House; Why not try T.B. POTTER?</p> + + <p>"The very man!" cried TIM, "I believe you and he scale the + same to a pound, and though your waist is more shapely, he has + the advantage in shoulders."</p> + + <p>POTTER most obliging of men; offered no objection. So TIM + conducted him to the seat; he dropped gently, but firmly in it; + Brer RABBIT putting on his spectacles, and looking across the + expanse of T.B.'s shoulders, thought he recognised Brer FOX at + the other side. Anyhow, he was beyond speaking distance, and so + embarrassment was obviated.</p> + + <p>TIM, his mind thus at rest, able to devote his attention to + debate, to progress of which, he contributed a few + interjections. Finally, when Division taken on JOHN MORLEY's + Motion, and everybody ready to go home, he moved and carried + Adjournment of Debate.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Prince ARTHUR indicted for + breach of Constitutional Law in Ireland. Jury retired to + consider their verdict. Agreed upon acquittal by 320 Votes + against 245.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—A once familiar presence pervades + House to-night. Everyone more, or less vaguely, conscious of + it. Even without chancing to look up to Peers' Gallery, Members + are inspired with sudden mysterious access of Moral Influence. + OLD MORALITY himself, that overflowing reservoir of moral + axioms, takes on an aggravated air of responsibility and + respectability. Has had a great triumph which would inflate a + man of less modest character. Last night, or rather early this + morning, Irish Members appeared to force Government hand; just + when it seemed that RUSSELL's Amendment was about to be + substituted for MORLEY's Resolution, TIM HEALY interposed, + moved Adjournment of Debate; OLD MORALITY protested; SEXTON + slily threatened all-night sitting; after an hour's + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page108" + id="page108"></a>[pg 108]</span> struggle, Government + capitulated; Adjournment agreed to; Irish Members went off + jubilant.</p> + + <p>To-night SEXTON asks OLD MORALITY when they shall resume + debate?</p> + + <p>"Ah," says OLD MORALITY, with look of friendly interest, as + if the idea had struck him for the first time, "yes; just so. + The Hon. Member wants to know when we shall resume the debate, + the adjournment of which he and his friends were instrumental + in carrying at an early hour this morning. Well, I must say, on + the part of Her Majesty's Government, that we are perfectly + satisfied with matters as they were left. We had a lively + debate, a majority much larger than we had dared to hope for, + and, as far as we are concerned, I think we'll leave matters + alone. As one of our great prose-writers observed, it is, on + the whole, more conducive to comfort to endure any + inconveniences that may press upon one at the current moment, + than to hasten to encounter others with the precise nature of + which we do not happen to be acquainted."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/108-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/108-1.png" + alt="Under-Secretary." /></a>Under-Secretary. + </div> + + <p>GRAND CROSS missed this delightful little episode, not + coming in till questions were over. Now he sat in Peers' + Gallery and gazed through spectacles on scene of earlier + triumphs. Looks hardly a day older than when he left us; the + same perky manner, the same wooden visage, with its pervading + air of supreme self-satisfaction and inscrutable wisdom. It is + a night given up to Indian topics. PLOWDEN, in his quiet, + effective way, has just carried Motion which will have + substantial effect in the direction of securing fuller debate + of Indian questions. GORST, standing at table replying to + BUCHANAN on another Indian topic, alludes with deferential tone + to "the SECRETARY OF STATE." GRAND CROSS almost audibly purrs + from his perch in the Gallery.</p> + + <p>"An odd world, my masters," says the Member for SARK, + striding out impatiently, "when you have a man like GORST + Under-Secretary, with a man like GRAND CROSS at the Head of the + Department."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—An hour or two given to + India.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Army Estimates on to-night. HANBURY + comes to the front, as usual. STANHOPE tossing about on + Treasury Bench, in considerable irritation.</p> + + <p>"What's the use, my ST. JOHN," he asked BRODRICK, the only + man standing by him, "of a family arrangement like ours, if one + is subjected to annoyance like this? With one brother in the + Peers, a pillar of staid Conservatism; with myself on the + Treasury Bench, a Cabinet Minister, a right-hand man of the + Government: and then, final touch, old PHILIP EGALITÉ below the + Gangway opposite, with his Radicalism, and his tendency to + out-JACOBY LABOUCHERE. This is a broad-based family + combination, that ought to make us, each in his way, + irresistible. And yet there seems nothing to prevent a fellow + like HANBURY looking down from his six feet two scornfully on a + British soldier not more than five feet four in his + stocking-feet, whilst he inflates his chest, and asks, in + profound bass notes, how are the ancient glories of the British + Army to be maintained with men who cannot stretch the tape at + thirty-six inches?"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/108-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/108-2.png" + alt="'Amazed at his own Moderation.'" /></a>"Amazed at + his own Moderation." + </div> + + <p>When HANBURY sat down, after pounding away in ponderous + style for nearly an hour, STANHOPE got up and prodded him + reproachfully. Wonderful how much vinegar and vitriol he + managed to distil into his oft-repeated phrase, "My honourable + friend!" As for HANBURY, he sat with hands in pocket, staring + at empty benches opposite, amazed at his own moderation.</p> + + <p>Hours of the usual kind of talk on Army Estimates; the + Colonels, Volunteer and otherwise, showing that the Army is as + GILL (who has recently spent some time in Boulogne) says, <i>en + route pour les chiens</i>; the SECRETARY of State for WAR + demonstrating that everything is in apple-pie order, and his + right honourable predecessor on the Front Opposition Bench + bearing testimony to the general state of efficiency.</p> + + <p>WOLMER flashed through the haze a word that has long wanted + saying in the House. Why, he asked, place sentries surrounding + St. James's Palace, the War Office, and the Horse Guards? Why, + if presence of armed men at these particular gateways is + essential to proper conduct of affairs of Department—why + should Charity Commissioners and Education Office be left + unguarded? WOLMER should keep pegging away at this question + till he gets common-sense answer.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Army Estimates moved.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Gallant little Wales took the floor + to-night. Wants the Church Disestablished; PRITCHARD MORGAN, in + speech of prodigious length, asked House to sanction the + proposal. The Government, determined to oppose Motion, cast + about for Member of their body who could best lead opposition. + Hadn't a Welshman on the Treasury Bench.</p> + + <p>"There's RAIKES, you know," AKERS-DOUGLAS said, discussing + the matter with OLD MORALITY. "He's not exactly a Welshman, + but, when he's at home, he lives in Denbighshire, which is as + near being Wales as you can get. Besides, his postal address is + Llwynegrin."</p> + + <p>"Ah!" said OLD MORALITY, "that looks well. He's not the + rose, but he lives in convenient contiguity to the flower."</p> + + <p>So RAIKES was put up, and a nice, peaceful, soothing, + insinuating, conciliatory speech he made. In fact, as the + Member for SARK says, "He got gallant little Wales down on its + back, tied its horns and heels together, partially flayed it, + and then rubbed in cunningly contrived combination of Cayenne + pepper and vinegar."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Welsh Disestablishment Motion + negatived by 235 Votes to 203.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Celt Again.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>GRANT-ALLEN,—his manner moves cynics to + mirth!—</p> + + <p>Makes out that the Celt is the Salt of the + Earth.</p> + + <p>That accounts, it may be, for his dominant + fault;</p> + + <p>A "salt of the earth" <i>has</i> a taste for + assault!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUT OF SCHOOL!</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—You are so awfully good to chaps at + school that I am sure you will insert this letter. SMITH MINOR, + who takes in the <i>Times</i>, says, that a "PARENT" has been + writing to say, that there should be a meeting of Fathers to + swagger over the meeting of Head Masters. Well, this wouldn't + be half a bad idea if it were properly conducted; but the + "PARENT" seems to be a beast of a governor, who wants to cut + down the holidays, and such like rot. And this brings me to + what I want to propose myself. If there are to be meetings of + Head Masters and Parents, why not a meeting of Boys? We have a + heap of grievances. For instance, lots of chaps would like to + know why "the water" was stopped at Westminster, and something + about the domestic economy of Harrow. Then the great and + burning question of grub is always ready to hand. The "PARENT" + wants to have a hand in the payment for school-books, seeing + his way to getting the discount (stingy chap!) then why + shouldn't we fellows have a voice choosing them? Then about + taking up Greek, why shouldn't we have our say in <i>that</i> + matter? After all, it interests us more than anyone else, as we + are the fellows that will have to learn it, if it is to be + retained. Then about corporal punishment. Not that we mind it + much, still <i>we</i> are the fellows who get swished at Eton, + and feel the tolly at Beaumont. Surely the Boys know more about + a licking than Head Masters and Parents? You, as a practical + man, will say, "Who should attend the Congress?" I reply, every + public school might send a delegate; and by public school, I do + not limit the term to the old legitimate "E. and the two W.'s," + Eton, Winchester and Westminster. No; I would throw it open to + such respectable educational establishments as Harrow, Rugby, + Charterhouse, St. Paul's, Marlborough, Felsted, Cheltenham, + Stonyhurst, and the rest of them. The more the merrier, say I; + and if there was a decided division of opinion on any subject, + we could settle the matter off-hand at once, by taking off our + jackets and turning up our shirt-sleeves. The more I think of + it, the more I like it! It <i>would</i> be a game!</p> + + <p class="author">Always your affectionate friend, + (<i>Signed</i>) JONES MINIMUS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Same Old Game.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Russia is said to be threatening the old Finnish laws + and liberties.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Russia snubs him who, as a candid friend,</p> + + <p class="i2">Horrors Siberian, Hebrew would + diminish.</p> + + <p><i>Must</i> Muscovites prove tyrants to the end?</p> + + <p class="i2">At least they aim to prove so to the + <i>Finnish</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13098 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13098-h/images/100.png b/13098-h/images/100.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2f774b --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/100.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/101-1.png b/13098-h/images/101-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fb183c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/101-1.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/101-2.png b/13098-h/images/101-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dffeb63 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/101-2.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/102.png b/13098-h/images/102.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d59cbe6 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/102.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/103.png b/13098-h/images/103.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..433d7a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/103.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/105.png b/13098-h/images/105.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..faf1e89 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/105.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/106.png b/13098-h/images/106.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..88e0ce5 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/106.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/107-1.png b/13098-h/images/107-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c63667d --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/107-1.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/107-2.png b/13098-h/images/107-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9c31a7f --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/107-2.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/108-1.png b/13098-h/images/108-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dc0aec5 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/108-1.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/108-2.png b/13098-h/images/108-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..303e704 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/108-2.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/97-1.png b/13098-h/images/97-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0653d65 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/97-1.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/97-2.png b/13098-h/images/97-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0df0493 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/97-2.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/98.png b/13098-h/images/98.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a847919 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/98.png diff --git a/13098-h/images/99.png b/13098-h/images/99.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..222c529 --- /dev/null +++ b/13098-h/images/99.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..11bfc80 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13098 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13098) diff --git a/old/13098-8.txt b/old/13098-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..367f3dd --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13098-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1795 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, VOL. 100. +Feb. 28, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, VOL. 100. Feb. 28, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 3, 2004 [EBook #13098] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +February 28, 1891. + + + + +SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM. + +NO. II.--THE LITERARY "GHOST." + +[Illustration] + +We will assume, simply for the purposes of this argument, that you, +reader, are an innocent-minded elderly lady, and a regular subscriber +to the Local Circulating Library. You are sitting by your comfortable +fireside, knitting a "cross-over" for a Bazaar, when your little maid +announces a gentleman, who says he has not a card-case with him, but +requests that you will see him. + +"You are sure he _is_ a gentleman, MARY ANN?" you will inquire, with a +slight uneasiness as to the umbrellas in the hall. + +"Oh, a puffict gentleman, Mam," says MARY ANN--"with a respirator." + +Upon this testimony to his social standing, you direct that the +perfect gentleman shall be shown in. + +MARY ANN has not deceived you--he has a respirator, also blue +spectacles, and a red nose. He apologises with fluent humility for +intruding upon you without the honour of a previous acquaintance, and +takes a chair, after which he shifts his respirator to his chin, sheds +a pair of immense woollen gloves into his hat, and produces a bundle +of papers, over which he intreats you to cast an eye. On perusing +them, they prove to be letters from various eminent authors, whose +names are, more or less, familiar to you. These documents are more +interesting as autographs than from any intrinsic literary merit, for +they all refer to remittances for various amounts, and regret politely +that the writer is not in a position to obtain permanent employment +for his correspondent. While you are reading them, your visitor pays +assiduous court to your cat--which impresses you favourably. + +"Possibly, Madam," he suggests, "you may be personally acquainted +with some of those gentlemen?" When you confess that you have not that +honour, he seems more at his ease. + +"I asked," he says, "because I have long heard of you as a Lady of +great taste and judgment in literary matters--which, after seeing you, +I can the more readily understand." + +It is a fact that several of your nieces and female neighbours are in +the habit of declaring that they would rather take your opinion on a +novel than that of all the critics; still, you had not expected your +fame to have spread so wide. + +"I had another motive," he confesses, "because, if you were intimate +with any of these authors, I should naturally 'esitate to say anything +which might have the effect of altering your opinion of them. As +it is, I can speak with perfect freedom--though in the strictest +confidence. You see before you, Madam, an unfortunate bean, whom +circumstances have 'itherto debarred from ever reaping the fruit of +his own brine! Well may you remark, 'Your Gracious Goodness'"--(_your +natural astonishment having escaped you in the shape of this +invocation_)--"for in your goodness and in your graciousness rests my +sole remaining 'ope. I was endowed from an early age with a fertile +and versatile imagination, and creative powers which, without vanity, +I may say, were of a rather superior class. The one thing I lacked was +inflooence, and in the world of letters, Madam, as I am sure you +do not need to be informed, without inflooence Genius is denied a +suitable opening. At several literary Clubs in the West End I made +the acquaintance of the authors whose letters you have just had the +opportunity of reading--men who have since attained to the topmost +pinnacle of Fame. At that time they were comparatively obscure; they +'eard my conversation, they realised that I 'ad ideers, of which they +knew the value better, perhaps, than I did myself. I used to see them +taking down notes on their shirt-cuffs, and that, but I took no notice +of it at the time. Probably you have read the celebrated work of +fiction by Mr. GASHLEIGH WALKER, entitled, _King Cole's Cellars_? I +thought so. I gave him the plot, scenery and characters complete, for +that story. I did, indeed." + +"And do you mean to say he has taken all the credit himself!" you +exclaim, very properly shocked. + +"If he has," he replies, meekly, "I am far from complaining--a +shilling or two was an object to me at that time. And it got me +more work of the sort. There's _Booty Bay_, now, the book that made +ROBERTSON--_that_ was took down, word for word, from my dictation, +in a back parlour of one of LOCKHART's Cocoa-Rooms. I got fifteen +shillings for that. _He_ got, I daresay, 'undreds of pounds. Well, _I_ +don't grudge it to him. As he said, I ought to remember he had all the +_manual_ labour of it. Then there's that other book which has sold +its thousands, _Four Men in a Funny_--that was mine--all but the last +chapter; he _would_ put in that, and, in _my_ opinion, spoilt it, from +an artistic point. But what could I do? It was out of _my_ 'ands! I +must say I never anticipated myself that it would be so popular. 'I +should be robbing you,' I said, 'if I took more than ten shillings for +it.' All the same, it turned out a good bargain for him. Then there's +the Drama, you would hardly credit it that I could name three leading +theatres at this present moment where pieces are running which came +originally out of _my_ 'ed! But it's no use my saying so--no one would +believe it. And now I've 'elped all these men up the ladder, they can +do without me--they can go alone--or think they can. See the way they +write--not a word about owing anything to my 'umble services, a postal +order for three-and-six; but that's the world all over!" + +"But surely," you will sympathetically observe, "you will expose them, +you will insist on sharing in the reward of your labours--it is a duty +you owe to the public, as well as yourself!" + +[Illustration: "Slow rises worth by poverty depressed."] + +"So I've been told, Madam. But what can I do?--I'm a poor man. 'Slow +rises worth, by poverty depressed,' as POPE, or GOLDSMITH--for a +similar idea occurs in both--truly observes. To put my case before the +public as it _ought_ to be put, I should first have to gain the ear of +the Press--and you want a golden key to do that, nowadays. The Press +is very reluctant to run down successful writers. 'Hawks won't pick +out Awkses heyes,' as BURNS remarks. (_By this time you are probably +fumbling for your purse, which, as usual, is at the bottom of +your work-basket._) No, they will find me out some day--after I'm +dead and gone, most likely! In the meantime I envy nobody. I have +the consciousness of Genius, and--I'm sure your generosity is +overwhelming, Madam--I really never ventured to--Pardon these +tears; it is the first time my poor talents have ever obtained such +recognition as this! Could you crown your favours by giving me the +names and addresses of any charitable friends and neighbours whom +you think at all likely to follow your noble example?... I thank you +from my heart, Madam, and, when I succeed in recovering my literary +in'eritance, and am called upon to issue a collected edition of my +works, I shall take the liberty of inscribing on the title-page a +dedication to the generous benefactress who first 'elped to restore my +fallen fortunes!" + +With this he seals his lips again with the respirator, pockets his +documents and your donation, and bows himself gratefully out, leaving +you to meditate on the unscrupulousness of popular Authors, and the +ease with which a confiding public is hoodwinked. + + * * * * * + +M.P. MANFIELD, M.P. + + Northampton's new Member an honour can claim + On which he need set little store: + He now has M.P. written after his name, + But he always had M.P. before. + + If every M.P. in the lobby counts one, + To the _Ayes_, or the _Noes_, walking through, + Does logic demand, in each case, _pro_ and _con._, + M.P. MANFIELD, M.P., should count two? + + * * * * * + +CHANCE FOR SPINSTERS OF AN UNCERTAIN AGE.--There is to be a Mahommedan +Mission in England. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE WATER BABIES AND THE ROYAL GODMOTHER."] + + * * * * * + +BRAVO, BAGSHAWE! + + A lady of Bedford, despotic and rash, + Tried to force her poor groom to shave off his moustache. + Judge BAGSHAWE the wise, made her pay for her prank. + This makes one inclined to sing, "_I know a Bank_," + Where BAGSHAWE might bring common-sense, for a change; + They're worse than the Lady of Goldington Grange, + These Banking Bashaws with three tails, who must clip + Nature's health-giving gift from a clerk's chin or lip. + Bah! What _are_ they fit for, these stupid old rules? + To be shaped by rich tyrants, obeyed by poor fools! + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +ENGLISH HISTORY.--I have been reading several books on this subject, +and am rather puzzled. Are the English people, _as existing now_, +Teutons, or Danes, or Celts, or what? Can we be Teutons when the +aborigines of these islands were not Teutonic? I feel that my own +genius--and I have a lot--is Celtic; at the same time I have always +prided myself on my Norman blood; yet from my liking for the sea, +which never makes me sick, at least at Herne Bay, I fancy I must +be descended from a Scandinavian Viking. What is the ethnological +name given to a person who is an amalgamation of such heterogeneous +elements?--INQUIRER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOUCHING CONFIDENCE IN THE FOG. + +_Gentleman of Engaging Manners._ "BLESS YOUR 'EART, YOU'LL BE HALL +RIGHT ALONG O' ME, MUM! LET ME KERRY THE LITTLE BAG FOR YOU, MUM!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BRUM AND THE OOLOGIST. + + [Mr. W. JAMES asked the LORD ADVOCATE whether his attention + had been called to a circular, issued from Birmingham by the + Naturalists' Publishing Company, inviting applications for + shares in "An Oological Expedition to the land of the Great + Auk," meaning the Shetland Isles, and stating that, "if + the season is a pretty fair one, a haul of at least twenty + thousand eggs" of rare sea-birds might be expected.--_Daily + Paper_.] + + The "Brum" and the Oologist + Were walking hand in hand; + They grinned to see so many birds + On cliff, and rock, and sand. + "If we could only get their eggs," + Said they, "it would be grand." + + "If we should start a Company + To gather eggs all day, + Do you suppose," the former said, + "That we could make it pay?" + "We might," said the Oologist, + "On the promoting lay!" + + "Then you've a tongue, and I a ship, + Likewise some roomy kegs; + And you might lead the birds a dance + Upon their ugly legs; + And, when you've got them out of sight, + I'll steal their blooming eggs." + + "Oh, Sea-birds," said the Midland man, + "Let's take a pleasant walk! + Perhaps among you we may find + The Great--or lesser--Auk; + And you might possibly enjoy + A scientific talk." + + The skuas and the cormorants, + And all the puffin clan, + The stormy petrels, gulls, and terns, + They hopped, and skipped, and ran + With very injudicious speed + To join that oily man. + + "The time has come," remarked the Brum, + "For 'talking without tears' + Of birds unhappily extinct, + Yet known in former years; + And how much cash an egg will fetch + In Naturalistic spheres." + + "But not _our_ eggs!" replied the birds, + Feeling a little hot. + "You surely would not rob our nests + After this pleasant trot?" + The Midland man said nothing but,-- + "I guess he's cleared the lot!" + + "Well!" said that bland Oologist, + "We've had a lot of fun. + Next year, perhaps, these Shetland birds + We'll visit--with a gun; + When--as we've taken all their eggs-- + There'll probably be none!" + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +DIVORCE FACILITIES.--I should like to be informed in what part of +the United States it is that a Divorce is granted in half-an-hour, at +a merely nominal fee, on the ground of conscientious objections to +monogamy? What is the cost of getting there, and would it be necessary +that my wife should go there too? There might be a difficulty in +persuading her to take the journey. + +INCOMPATIBILITY. + + * * * * * + +A CANADIAN CALENDAR. + +(_TO BE HOPED NOT PROPHETIC._) + +1892. Reciprocity firmly established between the Dominion and the +U.S.A. + +1893. Emigration ceases between the Dominion and the Mother Country, +and trade dies out. + +1894. Return from Canada of families of the best blood to England and +France. + +1895. Great increase of the Savage Indian Tribes in the country, and +the Improvident Irish Population in the towns of the Dominion. + +1896. Practical suspension of trade between the Dominion and the +U.S.A., the latter having now attained the desired object of shutting +out goods of British manufacture from the American market. + +1897. England refuses to assist Canada in resenting Yankee +encroachment in the seal fisheries. + +1898. Canada asks to be annexed to the U.S.A. + +1899. After some hesitation Uncle SAM consents to absorb the Dominion. + +1900. Canada becomes a tenth-rate Yankee State. + + * * * * * + +THE DICTUM OF DIOGENES. + + "One Man, One Vote!" A very proper plan + If you with each One Vote can find--One _Man_! + + * * * * * + +MRS. GRUNDY TO MR. GOSCHEN. + + The Three per Cents, the Three per Cents, + Serene but mortal Three, + In view of recent sad events, + Oh! give them back to me. + Oh! GOSCHEN, Sir, kind gentleman, + Hear my polite laments; + Restore this trio, if you can-- + Those musical Per Cents. + + My income once was safe, if small; + It's larger, but unpaid, + Despite "the quite phenomenal + Development of Trade." + The "Bogus Man" is on the track, + And queer "Financial Gents" + Have promised me in white and black + Their Six and Ten per Cents. + + The Three per Cents were regular, + Respectable, and good. + Their health was such that "under par" + They very seldom stood; + They needed no "conversion" rash, + Like Darker Continents; + A sort of Sunday turned to cash + They were, my Three per Cents. + + A distant river somewhere rolls, + The wicked River Plate; + Upon its _banks_ there flourish souls + Perverse and reprobate. + Ah, send your missionaries _there_! + If haply it repents, + I'll not surrender Eaton Square + For Surrey's wild or Kent's. + + Not I alone; the best that breathe, + Archbishop, Duke, and Lord, + Your bust with chaplets rare will wreathe, + This boon if you'll accord. + How can we by example shame + The mob who mock at rents, + If we are left to do the same + Without our Three per Cents? + + Reft of a carriage, life is poor: + A well-conducted set + Needs ready money to procure + Their butler and _Debrett_. + The country totters to its fall, + Disgraced to all intents, + Unless you instantly recall + Our solid Three per Cents. + + * * * * * + +THE FLOWERLESS FUNERAL. + +(_BY A FLOWER MERCHANT._) + + Funeral Reform? Oh! just a fad,-- + Its advocates, in fact, as bad + As those who want Cremation. + A set of foolish, fussy fools + Whose misplaced ardour nothing cools-- + A nuisance to the nation! + + Economy, they're all agreed, + Should be with them a cult and creed, + Simplicity a passion. + They'd quickly wreck this trade of ours, + Since they would scorn the use of flowers, + If they could set the fashion! + + Yes; parsons agitate, but these + Good gentlemen all take their fees-- + We thank them much for giving + Such good advice upon this head, + But recollect that from the dead + We've got to get our living! + + * * * * * + +CHORUS OF THE OBJECTORS TO THE PROPOSED LORD'S TUNNEL +RAILWAY.--"WATKIN the matter be!" + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XIV.--LE PÉTROLIUM; OU, LES SALOPERIES PARISIENNES. + +(_Par Zorgon-Gola, Auteur de "Toujours Poivre," "Charbon et Crasse," +"La Fange," "499 Pages d'Amour," "Le Pourvoyeur Universel," "Une +Rêveuse qui vise l'Académie_.") + +I.--LA FAMILLE. + +Si vous voulez voir les _Slums_ Parisiens et comprendre le +Peuple--avec la majuscule--vous devez visiter les Saloperies, faubourg +au delà de Belleville et de Ménilmontant, faubourg où les femmes +sortent le matin en cheveux--ça ne veut pas dire comme Lady GODIVA, +mais simplement sans chapeau--acheter de la charcuterie; et où vers +minuit dans des bouges infects les hommes se coupent le gavion, en +bons zigs, après une soirée de rigolade. C'est ici qu'on trouve des +admirables exemplaires de cette nombreuse famille EGOU-OGWASH, qui, +datant de PHARAMOND, peuple Paris et joue tous les rôles dans la +comédie humaine. Ce n'est pas une famille tout à fait vieille roche, +voyez-vous: au contraire, ça commence dans la boue de Provence et +finit dans les égouts de Paris; mais elle est distinguée, tout de +même. Elle a son épilepsie héréditaire, belle et forte épilepsie qu'on +trouvera partout dans cette vingtaine de romans que je suis resolu +d'écrire au sujet des EGOU-OGWASH. C'est une épilepsie généalogique. +Il y en a pour toute la famille. + +II.--LES POPPOT. + +JANE POPPOT se promenait sur le Boulevard des Saloperies par une belle +matinée d'août. En cheveux, panier sur le bras, elle allait acheter +de la charcuterie pour le déjeuner de son mari, oui, son mari pour de +bon, chose unique dans la famille OGWASH, un vrai mariage à la Mairie +et à l'église. Cette petite blonde, JANE, a ses idées à elle de se +ranger, de vivre en honnête femme avec son respectable JEAN POPPOT +qui l'adore, au point de lui pardonner tout le volume premier de son +histoire. + +[Illustration] + +Il n'y a pas dans tout Paris ménage plus gentil que le petit +appartement au septième des POPPOT dans une cité ouvrière de ce +Betnal Grin Parisien. Tout va bien avec ces braves gens. Lui, c'est le +Steeple-Jack de Paris, où il fait les réparations de tous les toits. +Elle, blanchisseuse de fin, a développé un secret dans la façon +d'empeser les plastrons de chemises. Elle fait des plastrons +monumentaux, luisants, dur comme l'albâtre. Elle a des clients dans +le beau monde et à l'étranger, jusqu'au Prince de BALEINES, qui lui +confie ses chemises de grande toilette, celles qu'il porte au diner +du Lor Maire, par exemple. + +JANE achète sa charcuterie, et après elle s'arrête au coin de la rue +pour regarder Paris. C'était un tic qu'elle avait, de regarder Paris. +Cela tenait de la famille OGWASH. Instinct de race. + +Paris, vu du hauteur des Saloperies, semble une grande marmite pleine +de boue et de sang, où les gens grouillent, se tordent, s'empiffrent, +se dévorent, et _squirment_ dans leur propre graisse, comme de la +blanchaille sautant dans l'huile bouillante. Un nuage de _sewer-gaz_ +monte jusqu'à JANE stationnée sur la hauteur de Belleville; et dans +cette brume puante elle sent l'odeur de femmes et de l'ognon, le +cognac, le meurtre, le fricot, le mont de piété, les omnibus, les +croquemorts, les gargotes, les bals à l'entrée libre pour dames, tout +ce qu'il y a de funeste et de choquant dans cette ville infecte. + +JANE s'amuse à flairer toutes ces horreurs pendant que le pauvre +POPPOT danse devant le buffet en attendant l'arlequin ou le demi kilo +de charcuterie assortie dans le panier de sa femme. + +III.--DÉGRINGOLADE. + +Elle a dégringolé. Cela a commencé tout doucement en trainant ses +savates. Quand une femme dégringole elle traine ses savates. C'est une +loi universelle. L'on ne dégringole pas sans trainer ses savates; l'on +ne traine pas ses savates sans dégringoler. Ainsi gare aux souliers +éculés. O, mais elle est changée, cette pauvre p'tite blonde! La +maladie héréditaire des EGOU-OGWASH vient d'être indiquée. POPPOT, ce +brave POPPOT, lui aussi il dégringole, il resemble à un réverbère sur +le boulevard dont on oublie d'éteindre le gaz. Il est allumé du matin +au soir. + +Ça a commencé si gentiment après que ce bon Steeple-Jack était tombé +du faîte de Notre Dame, où il faisait des réparations. Le pauvre homme +a fait cette chute en regardant JANE, qui dansait le cancan sur la +Place du Parvis pour choquer ces crétins de _Cook-tourists_, et pour +distraire son mari. C'était pendant la convalescence de POPPOT que +la dégringolade a commencé. JANE lui donna un dé à coudre de vilain +cognac, et de ce premier doigt de casse-poitrine à l'ivrognerie +brutale n'était qu'une glissade, presque aussi rapide que la glissade +de Notre Dame. POPPOT trainait ses savates; il chômait; il rigolait; +il gardait le Saint Lundi; il passait des journées devant le buffet +du Pétrolium, ce grand cabaret du peuple où l'on voyait distiller le +trois-six pour tout le quartier. + +JANE faisait pire que dégringoler; elle cascadait. Elle ne se +débarbouillait plus. Elle avait pris en horreur le savon. Est-ce +une aversion héréditaire, datant de la première femme qui a senti +la puanteur de cet abominable savon français, avant la bienfaisante +invention de M. POIRES? Sans doute c'était l'atavisme en quelque +forme. Elle avait son béguin. C'était le linge sale. Plus il était +sale, plus elle en raffolait. Elle ne voulait plus les chemises +en batiste fine du Prince de BALEINES. Elle priait les aristos +du Jockey Club de donner leurs plastrons à d'autres. Les clients +qu'elle préferait étaient les porte-faix, les forts de la halle, les +chauffeurs du chemin de fer. C'était en allant chercher le linge de +ces derniers qu'elle entrait sans le savoir dans le Dédale de cette +voie ferrée qui enlace et écrase les êtres vivants comme les grandes +roues des locomotives écrasent la poussière de la voie. + +Le Président du P.L.M. lui aussi avait son béguin héréditaire. Il +courait les femmes malpropres. Plus elles ne se débarbouillaient +pas, plus il les courait. C'était innocent. Il les admirait du côté +esthétique. Cela tenait de la famille, puis de ce que lui aussi était +de la vieille souche des EGOU-OGWASH. Il s'allumait en lorgnant la +figure noircie de cette pauvre JANE, et la rencontrant dans la gare un +jour il se permit un pen de _flirtàge_ sans penser à mal. Mais par une +fatalité, POPPOT, affreusement paf, descendait d'une quatrième classe +au moment ou le vieux baisait la main crasseuse de JANE, en lui disant +son gentil bon soir: et des cet instant POPPOT voyait rouge. + +IV.--SURINADE. + +IL voyait rouge. Paris lui semblait un abattoir. Il couvait le +meurtre, et pour l'aider il avait un complice qui était du métier, +JACQUES RISPÈRE, conducteur de machines sur le P.L.M., qui avait aussi +sa manie héréditaire, et sa manie à lui était de couper les gorges. +Il les coupait sans rancune, à l'improviste, en souriant à sa victime, +les yeux dans les yeux. Cric! c'était fait. Par exemple il est +descendu un jour de la locomotive et devant le buffet d'une station +où il n'y avait pas trop de monde il a suriné la _barmaid_ qui lui +souriait en lui vendant une brioche. Il a égorgé son chauffeur au +risque d'arrêter le train de luxe entre Avignon et Marseilles. On ne +le punit pas. Cela tenait de la famille. + +"Touche là, mon drôle! C'est convenu," dit JACQUES RISPÈRE, après +un entretien de quelques heures devant le buffet du Pétrolium. "Moi, +j'arrangerai tout cela avec les fonctionnaires. Le train arrivant de +Génève doit passer le Rapide entre Macon et Dijon. Il ne passera pas. +Je retarderai le train omnibus arrivant de Marseilles. J'accélererai +le _train-luggage_ arrivant de Paris. Il y aura une mêlée de quatre +trains, entrechoqués, tordus, enlacés, faisant le _pique-à-baque_: +et pendant cette mêlée j'égorgerai ce vieux mufe de Président. C'est +simple." + +"Comme bon jour," repondit POPPOT, aveuglément soûl. + +RISPÈRE tenait parole. À onze heures du soir il y avait une de +ces catastrophes qui font frémir l'Europe voyageuse. L'assassin ne +s'arrêtait pas à la gorge du Président. Le vieil aristo n'avait pas +assez de sang pour assouvir la soif meurtrière de l'épileptique. +RISPÈRE égorgea tout le monde, à tort et à travers, une véritable +tuerie. On le prit les mains rouges, la bouche blanche d'écume. +C'était la vraie épilepsie d'ESQUIROL. + +Quant à POPPOT personne n'a soupçonné sa complicité dans ce crime +gigantesque. Lui et JANE se soûlent paisiblement du matin an soir +devant le buffet du Pétrolium, en amis. Ils deviennent tous les jours +plus pauvres, plus paresseux, et plus poivres. Ainsi c'est facile de +prévoir leur fin:-- + +L'hôpital, trente pages de délire alcoölique, et la fosse commune. + +_Note de l'Auteur_.--C'est mon intention irrévocable de finir ma +vingtaine de romans sur la famille OGWASH, et je compte avec plasir +offrir les dix-neuf à suivre à mon ami estimé, _Ponche_. + + * * * * * + +LISTENING TO THE GENTLE KOOEN. + +_Maid Marian_ is "a Comic Opera in Three Acts," at least so I gather +from the title-page of the book and from the programme of the Prince +of Wales's Theatre; though where the comicality comes in, except +occasionally with Mr. MONKHOUSE, it would require _Sam Weller's_ "pair +o' patent double million magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra power" +to detect. Mr. LE HAY, too, has nothing like the opportunity which was +given him in _Prince Bulbo_. Now, when in a so-called Comic Opera your +two principal low comedians have very little to do, say, or sing, and +when that little is not of a particularly side-splitting character, +and when the plot is not replete with comic situations, such a work +must depend for its success on the freshness of its melodies, on +the popularity of its _artistes_, and on the excellence of its +_mise-en-scène_. + +[Illustration: Libretto by Smith. As he appears in Act III., +"hammering at it."] + +As to the last of these essentials, if, perhaps, it is not so +brilliantly placed on the stage as some other shows have been, yet +there is plenty of Harrisian movement, due always to the devices in +stage-management of CHARLES of that ilk, who certainly knows how to +keep the Chorus moving and the game alive generally. + +The yet existing admirers of the once enormously popular composer, +OFFENBACH, among whom I certainly include myself, will be much +gratified by the delicately introduced reminiscences of the work of +that master of _opéra bouffe_ which occasionally crop up during the +performance of _Maid Marian_. If it be permissible for great Masters +to repeat themselves, as notably more than one has done, may not +little Masters exhibit the results of their profound studies in the +schools of popular Composers? Surely they may; and was I not pleased +with Mr. DE KOOEN (whose name seems to suggest "the voice of the +turtle,"--the dove, not the soup) when his prelude to the Third Act +distinctly recalled to my attentive mind the celebrated unison effect +in _L'Africaine_, only without the marvellous jump, which, when first +heard, thrilled the audience, and compelled an enthusiastic encore? +Then Miss VIOLET CAMERON sang a song about the bells, with a chorus +not in the least like that in _Les Cloches de Corneville_ you +understand, because the latter, I think, is performed without the +bells sounding, but in this there is a musical peal which intensifies +the distinction between the two. This "number" was encored heartily, +nay, I think it was demanded three times, and came just at the right +moment to freshen up the entertainment. In the previous Act Miss +ATTALIE CLAIRE had had a good song which had also obtained an encore, +thoroughly well deserved as far as her singing was concerned. + +I forget what Mr. COFFIN had to sing, but, whatever it was, he did it +more than justice, as did also the _basso profondo_, whose efforts +in producing his voice from, apparently, his boots, were crowned with +remarkable success. + +The _Friar Tuck_ here is a kind of good old-fashioned burlesque Friar, +more like that one some years ago at the Gaiety, in _Little Robin +Hood_ than the Friar in _Ivanhoe_. But I should say that this Friar +would be uncommonly thankful to have got anything like the song that +Sir ARTHUR has given _his_ Friar over the way, or something even +as good as Mr. DALLAS had to sing, years ago, in REECE's Gaiety +Burlesque. However, perhaps it was not intended for a singing part, +and perhaps the actor who plays it is not a professional singer. We're +not all of us born with silver notes in our chests. + +I see that Mr. HORACE SEDGER announces the drama in action, entitled +_L'Enfant Prodigue_, which recently made such a hit in Paris. Wonder +how it will go here. Not knowing, can't prophesy. + +PRIVATE BOX. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The Baron thanks Sir HENRY THOMPSON for his _Food and Feeding_, which +(published by WARNE & Co., a suggestive name) has reached its sixth +edition. It is, indeed, an entertaining work, and a work that all +honest entertainers should carefully study. It will delight alike the +host and the guest. To the first, Sir HENRY, being a host in himself, +can give such valuable advice as, if acted upon, will secure the ready +pupil a position as a Lucullus of the first class; and, even when +so placed, he will still have much to learn from this Past Grand +Master in the art of living well and wisely. "_Fas est ab 'hoste' +doceri_"--and a better host it would be difficult to find as teacher +than Sir HENRY THOMPSON, P.G.M., to whose health and happiness the +Baron quaffs a bumper of burgundy of the right sort and at the right +time. Most opportunely does this book appear in the season of Lent, +which may be well and profitably spent in acquiring a thorough +knowledge of how to turn to the best account the fleshpots of Egypt, +when the penitential time is past, and the yolk of mortification is +thrown off with the welcome return of the Easter Egg. Read attentively +what our guide and friend has to say about salads, especially note +his remarks on the salad of "cold boiled table vegetables." His +arrangement of the _menu_, to the Baron's simple taste, humble mode of +life, and not inconsiderable experience, is perfect. _Hors d'oeuvres_ +are works of supererogation, and have never been, so to speak, +acclimatised in our English table-land. The Baron may have overlooked +any directions about _écrivisses_, not as _bisque_, but pure and +simple as cray-fish, which, fresh from the river and served hot and +hot come in late but welcome as an admirable refresher to the palate, +and as a relish for the champagne, though the Baron is free to admit +that the dainty manipulation of them is somewhat of a trial to the +inexperienced guest, especially in the presence of "Woman, lovely +Woman." "Hease afore helegance," was _Mr. Weller's_ motto, but "Ease +combined with elegance" may be attained in a few lessons, which any +skilled M.D.E. (i.e., _Mangeur d'écrivisses_) will be delighted to +give at the well-furnished table of an apt and ardent pupil. Once +more "_Your_ health, Sir HENRY!" that's the Baron's toast (bread not +permitted) in honour of the eminent practician who does so much for +the health of everybody. + +That a considerable number of novel-readers like _Saint Monica_, by +Mrs. BENNETT-EDWARDS, is evident, because it has reached its sixth +edition, but that the Baron is not one of this happy number he is fain +to admit. _Saint Monica_ seems to him to be a story with which the +author of _As in a Looking-Glass_ might have done something in his +peculiar way. It begins with promise, which promise is not justified +by performance. + +[Illustration] + +Who does not welcome the works of HAWLEY SMART, the brightest of our +novelists? This is not a conundrum, and, consequently, has no answer. +Everybody likes the books of our literary Major, and everybody will +be pleased with _The Plunger_. The new Story is in two volumes, and is +full of incident. There is a murder, which carries one through, from +the first page to the last, in a state of breathless excitement. Not +that the tale commences with the tragedy. But its anticipation is as +delightful as its subsequent realisation; and, when the mystery is +solved, joy becomes universal. The story is told with so light a hand, +that it may be truly said that the only "heavy" thing about the book +is its title. + +_The Autobiography of Joseph Jefferson_ is a good stout volume, full +of portraits and interest from beginning to end, forming an important +addition to the theatrical history of the day. The Baron drinks to his +old friend, the greatest _Rip_ that ever lived. "Here's your health, +and your family's, and may you live long, and prosper!" says, +heartily, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SATIETY. + +"OH, MAMMY DARLING, WHY CAN'T THE TOYSHOP-MAN CALL FOR ORDERS EVERY +MORNING, LIKE THE BAKER?"] + + * * * * * + +CORIOLANUS. + +"_First Citizen_. Consider you what services he has done for his +country? + +"_Second Citizen_. Very well; and could be content to give him +good report for't, but that he pays himself with being +proud."--_Coriolanus_, Act I., Scene 1. + +_Teuton Coriolanus loquitur_:-- + + "_Was ever man so proud as is this_ MARCIUS?" + There spake the babbling Tribune! Proud? Great gods! + All power seems pride to men of petty souls, + As the oak's knotted strength seems arrogance + To the slime-rooted and wind-shaken reed + That shivers in the shallows. + I who perched, + An eagle on the topmost pinnacle + Of the State's eminence, and harried thence + All lesser fowl like sparrows!--I to hide + Like a chased moor-hen in a marsh, and bate + The breath that awed the world into a whisper, + That would not shake a taper-flame or stir + A flickering torch to flaring! + "_I do wonder_ + _His insolence can brook to be commanded_ + _Under_ COMINIUS." So the Roman said: + SICINIUS VELUTUS, thou hadst reason. + Under COMINIUS! Who's COMINIUS now? + The adolescent Emperor, or his cool + Complacent Chancellor? COMINIUS! + Unseasoned youth, or untried middle-age, + A shouting boy, or a sleek-spoken elder, + Hot stripling, cool supplanter! + I serve not + "Under COMINIUS," nay!--yet since he stands + There, where I made firm footing amidst chaos, + Stands in smug comfort where we Titans struggled-- + MOLTKE, and I, and the great Emperor,-- + Struggled for vantage, which he owes to us;-- + Since he stands there, and I in shadow sit, + Silenced and chidden, I half _feel_ I serve, + Whom he would bid to second. Second _him_, + In that Imperial Policy whose vast + And soaring shape, like air-launched eagle, seemed + To fill the sky, and shadow half the world? + As well the Eagle's self might be expected + To second the small jay! + My shadow, mine? + Yes, but distorted by the skew-cast ray + Of a far lesser sun than lit the noon + Of my meridian glory. So I spurn + The shrunken simulacrum! + And they shriek, + Shout censure at me, the cur-crowd who crouched, + Ere that a woman's hate and a boy's pride + Smote me, the new Abimelech, so sore; + They'd hush me, like a garrulous greybeard, chaired + At the hearth-corner out of harm; they'd hush + My voice--the valorous vermin! What say they? + "_That's a brave fellow; but he's vengeance proud_; + _Loves not the common people!_" Humph! I stand + As MARCIUS would not, in the market-place, + And show my wounds to the people. Is _that_ pride? + I stooped to--_her!_--let me not think of that; + 'T would poison paradise!--but is _that_ pride? + The Roman pride was stiff and taciturn, + And I,--they tell me, I "will still be talking," + And no MENENIUS is by to say + In charity of the modern MARCIUS, + "_Consider this:--he has been bred i'the wars_ + _Since he could draw a sword, and is ill-school'd_ + _In bolted language: meal and bran together_ + _He throws without distinction_." + Well, well, well + "_I would he had continued to his country_ + _As he began; and not unknit, himself,_ + _The noble knot he made_." So they'll whine out + The smug SICINIUSES. But what I wonder + If once again the Volscians make new head! + Who, "like an eagle in a dovecote," then + Will flutter them and discipline AUFIDIUS? + An eagle! Shall I spurn my shadow, then + Trample my own projection? So they babble + Who'd silence me, make this my mouthpiece[1] mute; + Who prate of prosecution--banishment, + Perchance, anon, for me, as for the Roman, + Because "I cannot brook to be commanded + Under COMINIUS." What said VOLUMNIA + To her imperious son? "_The man was noble,_ + _But with his last attempt he wiped it out;_ + _Destroy'd his country; and his name remains_ + _To the ensuing age abhorr'd._" I would not have + My own VIRGILIA say so--she who frets, + At my colossal chafing. ARNIM's shade + Would mock my fall; but silent Friedrichsruh + Irks me, whilst lesser spirits so misshape + My vast designs, whose shadow, dwarfed, distorted, + I trample in my anger, thus--thus--thus! + +[Footnote 1: The _Hamburger Nachrichten_, in whose columns (says the +_Times_) Prince BISMARCK, according to the friends of the Government, +"inspires incessant attacks upon the Imperial Policy, domestic, +foreign, and colonial, and especially upon the proceedings of his +successor, General CAPRIVI."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CORIOLANUS. + + "SUCH A NATURE, + TICKLED WITH GOOD SUCCESS, DISDAINS THE SHADOW + WHICH HE TREADS ON AT NOON."--_Coriolanus_, Act I., Sc. 1.] + + * * * * * + +DUMAS UP TO ARMY ESTIMATES' DATE. + +PART I.--_THE THREE VOLUNTEERS._ + +LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were delighted +with the progress discernible in every detail of the battalion to +which it was their honour to belong. Not a man that did not appear on +parade conscious of the fact that he had made himself proficient--the +privates were contented, the non-commissioned officers happy. It +was, indeed, a model Regiment. On the occasion of their inspection +by Colonel D'ARTAGNAN, a man marched from the ranks, and demanded a +hearing. + +"And what do _you_ want?" asked the inspecting officer. + +"We wish the unjust to be made just," returned the discontented one. +"We ask for a reform." + +PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS would have protested, but Colonel +D'ARTAGNAN motioned them to be silent. "I am here," he murmured, "to +listen to complaints. I must listen to his." + +"Sir," said the complainant, "we have admirable officers--the +Lieutenant, the Captain, and the Major. They are always at work." + +"Yes," returned Colonel D'ARTAGNAN; "and so are you." + +"But we have merely to obey orders, and not to command. We feel that +although we pay for everything connected with the battalion, we should +do something more. We ought to subscribe a sum to pay our excellent +officers for commanding us!" + +And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS refused the suggestion, to the great +disappointment of their subordinates. + +PART II.--_TWENTY YEARS AFTERWARDS._ + +LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were once again +being inspected by D'ARTAGNAN, now wearing the gold and crimson scarf +of a general officer. + +"Yes, I have a complaint to make," replied one of the rank and file, +in reply to the customary interrogation. "We have three officers; but +they have merely to give orders, while we have to obey them. This is +unfair--unjust. We are always at work." + +"Yes," returned General D'ARTAGNAN, "and so are they." + +"True enough. We feel that, although they pay everything for the +battalion, they should do more. They ought to compensate their +excellent privates for the time we devote to obeying them." + +And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS accepted the suggestion, to the great +delight of their subordinates. + +PART III.--_TEN YEARS LATER._ + +Lieutenant PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were yet again on +parade. + +"I salute you, my friends," said Field Marshal D'ARTAGNAN, the +inspecting officer. "But where is your Regiment?" + +PORTHOS looked at ATHOS, and ATHOS glanced at ARAMIS. Then they +replied in a breath, "It has been disbanded." + +"Disbanded!" echoed D'ARTAGNAN. "But where are the accounts of the +Corps?" + +Then the three friends replied in a mournful tone, "Filed in the Court +of Bankruptcy!" + +"And what do you call this filing of officers' accounts in the Court +of Bankruptcy?" + +"We call it the last act of the Volunteer Movement, which, by the way, +however, was not entirely voluntary!" + +And the four friends having no further occupation requiring their +joint attention, shook hands warmly, and parted--for ever! + + * * * * * + +MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--TO DINNER. + +(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._) + +NO. I.--THE OVER-CULTURED UNDERGRADUATE. + +[Illustration] + + He stood, as if posed by a column, + Awaiting our hostess' advance; + Complacently pallid and solemn, + He deigned an Olympian glance. + Icy cool, in a room like a crater, + He silently marched me down-stairs, + And Mont Blanc could not freeze with a greater + Assurance of grandeur and airs. + + I questioned if Balliol was jolly-- + "Your epithet," sighed he, "means noise. + Vile noise! At his age it were folly + To revel with Philistine boys." + Competition, the century's vulture, + Devoured academical fools; + For himself, utter pilgrim of Culture, + He countenanced none of the Schools. + + Exams: were a Brummagem fashion + Of mobs and inferior taste; + They withered "Translucence" and "Passion," + They vulgarised leisure by haste. + Self to realise--that was the question, + Inscrutable still while the cooks + Of our Colleges preached indigestion, + Their Dons indigestible books. + + Two volumes alone were not bathos, + The one by an early Chinese, + The other, that infinite pathos, + Our Nursery Rhymes, if you please. + He was lost, he avowed, in this era; + His spirit was seared by the West, + But he deemed to be Monk in Madeira + Would probably suit him the best. + + "Impressions of Babehood" in plenty + Succeeded, "Hot youth" and its tears, + Till I wondered if ninety or twenty + Summed up his unbearable years. + Great Heavens! I turned to my neighbour, + A SQUARSON by culture unblest; + And welcomed at length in field-labour + And foxes refreshment and rest. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION OF THE KNIGHT.--If it be true, as was mentioned in the +_World_ last week, that Mr. Justice WRIGHT has "climbed down," only to +be placed upon a higher perch, will any change of name follow on the +Knighthood? Will he be known as Sir ROBERT RONG, late Mr. JUSTICE +WRIGHT? + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO is a thundering instrument. + + * * * * * + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO should be in every Lunatic Asylum. + + * * * * * + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO.--This wonderful and unique instrument, horizontal +and perpendicular Grand, five octaves, hammerless action, including +keyboard, pedals, gong, peal of bells, ophicleide stop, and all +the newest improvements, can be seen at Messrs. SPLITTE AND SON's +Establishment, High Holborn, and purchased ON THE FIFTY YEARS' HIRE +SYSTEM, by which, at a payment of 1s. 1-1/2d. a week, the piano, or +what is left of it, becomes the property of the purchaser, or his +heirs and executors, at the expiration of that period. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a new after-dinner, home-grown Sherry, of quite +extraordinary value and startling excellence. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a full, fruity, gout-giving, generous, heady wine, smooth +on the palate, round in the mouth, full of body, wing, character, and +crust. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA may be safely offered at funerals. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a beverage for Dukes in distressed circumstances. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA _is the wine, par excellence_, for the retrenching. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA, mixed with citrate of soda, treacle, and soda-water, and +drunk in the dark immediately after a glass of hot ginger brandy, will +be found to possess all the quality of a low-priced Champagne. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is the making of an economical wedding breakfast. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA. A few parcels of this unique and delicious Wine are still +to be had of the grower, a Sicilian Count, for the moment resident in +Houndsditch, at the nominal price, inclusive of the bottles, of five +shillings and ninepence the dozen. + + * * * * * + +TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING. + +(_AN EXPLANATION._) + + ["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already mortgaged. In + 1892 you may count upon me."--Mr. JEROME K. JEROME, _not_ Mr. + RUDYARD KIPLING. _See "Punch," Feb. 14_.] + + Oh, Mr. KIPLING!--you whose pungent pen + Of pirate publishers has been the terror, + Try hard, I beg you, to forgive me, when + I openly confess I wrote in error. + + It was not you by whom the deed was done. + But Mr. JEROME 'twas who wrote and said he + Could not contribute, since his Ninety-One + Was mortgaged to the Editors already. + + 'Twas rough on you, indeed, in such a way, + By thinking you were he, to dim your glory. + Yet pray believe I really grieve to say + I mixed you up with quite "another story"! + + * * * * * + +DRAMATIC ILLUSTRATION OF AN ADVERTISEMENT.--In one of the advertising +columns of the _Times_ the paragraph appeared one day last week. The +newspaper containing it lay on the table of a drawing-room. Elderly +beau was making up (he was accustomed to making-up in another sense, +as his wig and whiskers could testify) to charming young lady. Such +was the scene. He asked her to accept him. Her reply was to show him +the heading of this advertisement in the _Times_:--"YOUTH WANTED." +_Tableau! Exit_ Beau. Curtain. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISS PARLIAMENT'S DREAM OF A FANCY BALL. + +_A Suggestion for Druriolanus at Covent Garden._] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH TO MISS CANADA. + + Oh, Canada, dear Canada, we shall not discombobulate + Ourselves concerning JONATHAN. 'Tis true he tried to rob you late + (That is if Tariff-diddling may be qualified as robbery), + But BULL has learned the wisdom of not kicking up a bobbery. + + No, Canada, we love you dear, and shall be greatly gratified + If by your March Elections our relations are--say ratified. + We don't expect self-sacrifice, we do not beg for gratitude, + But keep an interested eye, my dear, upon your attitude. + + Railings and ravings rantipole we hold are reprehensible, + But of our kindly kinship we're affectionately sensible. + A mother's proud to see her child learning to "run alone," you know; + But does not wish to see her "run away" from home, she'll own you know. + + MACDONALD is magniloquent, perhaps a bit thrasonical; + His dark denunciations--at a distance--sound ironical. + And when we read the rows between him and Sir RICHARD CARTWRIGHT; dear, + We have our doubts if either chief quite plays the patriot part right, dear! + + But there, we know that party speeches are not _merum nectar_, all, + And we can take the measure of magniloquence electoral; + The tipple Party Spirit men will stir and whiskey-toddy-fy, + But when they have to drink it--cold--its strength they greatly modify. + + Beware the Ides of March? Oh, no! All auguries we defy, my dear! + The spectre of disloyalty don't scare us; all my eye, my dear. + So vote away, dear Canada! our faith's in friendly freedom, dear; + And croakers, Yank, or Canuck, or home-born, we shall not heed 'em, dear! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SENSITIVE EAR. + +_Intelligent Briton_. "BUT WE HAVE NO THEATRE, NO ACTORS WORTHY OF THE +NAME, MADEMOISELLE! WHY, THE ENGLISH DELIVERY OF BLANK VERSE IS SIMPLY +TORTURE TO AN EAR ACCUSTOMED TO HEAR IT GIVEN ITS FULL BEAUTY AND +SIGNIFICANCE BY A BERNHARDT OR A COQUELIN!" + +_Mademoiselle_. "INDEED? I HAVE NEVER HEARD BERNHARDT OR COQUELIN +RECITE ENGLISH BLANK VERSE!" + +_Intelligent Briton_. "OF COURSE NOT. I MEAN _FRENCH_ BLANK VERSE--THE +BLANK VERSE OF CORNEILLE, RACINE, MOLIÈRE!" + +_Mademoiselle_. "OH, MONSIEUR, THERE IS NO SUCH THING!" + +[_Briton still tries to look intelligent._] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, February 16_.--After long tarrying, +House once more justified its old character. Been dolefully dull +these weeks and months past. Thought it was dead; only been sleeping. +To-night woke up, and audience that filled every Bench, blocked the +Gangways, and thronged the Bar, had rare treat. Occasion was the +indictment of Prince ARTHUR; long pending; was to have come off at +beginning of Session; put off on account of counter attractions in +Committee-Room No. 15; postponement no longer possible; and here we +are, House throbbing with excitement, OLD MORALITY nervously clacking +about Treasury Bench, bringing his chicks together under his wing. +RANDOLPH brought his young beard down to witness performance. + +[Illustration: A Buffer Q.C.] + +Initial difficulty in Irish Camp; Brer FOX sitting in old place, two +steps down third bench below Gangway. Brer RABBIT, sunk in profound +meditation, oblivious to the rival Leader's presence, occupies corner +seat; room for one between them. Who shall take it? Anxious time for +TIM HEALY. Nothing he dreads so much as possibility of outbreak. In +Committee-Room No. 15, Brer FOX snatched out of Brer RABBIT's hand +a sheet of paper. Suppose now, in sudden paroxysm, he were to reach +forth and taking Brer RABBIT by the beard bang his head against the +back of the Bench? TIM's gentle nature shivered with apprehension; +thing to do was to get a good plump gentleman set between the two, so +that in case hostilities broke out his body might be used as buffer. +Thought of ELTON first. Besides a professional desire to find +occupation for Members of the Bar, ELTON's figure seemed made on +purpose for the peaceful errand TIM had in mind. Broached subject. +ELTON said, always happy to oblige; but was, in fact, just now +retiring from Parliamentary life; didn't care to be brought into undue +prominence. Besides, he belonged to other side of House; Why not try +T.B. POTTER? + +"The very man!" cried TIM, "I believe you and he scale the same to a +pound, and though your waist is more shapely, he has the advantage in +shoulders." + +POTTER most obliging of men; offered no objection. So TIM conducted +him to the seat; he dropped gently, but firmly in it; Brer RABBIT +putting on his spectacles, and looking across the expanse of T.B.'s +shoulders, thought he recognised Brer FOX at the other side. Anyhow, +he was beyond speaking distance, and so embarrassment was obviated. + +TIM, his mind thus at rest, able to devote his attention to debate, to +progress of which, he contributed a few interjections. Finally, when +Division taken on JOHN MORLEY's Motion, and everybody ready to go +home, he moved and carried Adjournment of Debate. + +_Business done_.--Prince ARTHUR indicted for breach of Constitutional +Law in Ireland. Jury retired to consider their verdict. Agreed upon +acquittal by 320 Votes against 245. + +_Tuesday_.--A once familiar presence pervades House to-night. Everyone +more, or less vaguely, conscious of it. Even without chancing to look +up to Peers' Gallery, Members are inspired with sudden mysterious +access of Moral Influence. OLD MORALITY himself, that overflowing +reservoir of moral axioms, takes on an aggravated air of +responsibility and respectability. Has had a great triumph which would +inflate a man of less modest character. Last night, or rather early +this morning, Irish Members appeared to force Government hand; just +when it seemed that RUSSELL's Amendment was about to be substituted +for MORLEY's Resolution, TIM HEALY interposed, moved Adjournment of +Debate; OLD MORALITY protested; SEXTON slily threatened all-night +sitting; after an hour's struggle, Government capitulated; Adjournment +agreed to; Irish Members went off jubilant. + +To-night SEXTON asks OLD MORALITY when they shall resume debate? + +"Ah," says OLD MORALITY, with look of friendly interest, as if the +idea had struck him for the first time, "yes; just so. The Hon. Member +wants to know when we shall resume the debate, the adjournment of +which he and his friends were instrumental in carrying at an early +hour this morning. Well, I must say, on the part of Her Majesty's +Government, that we are perfectly satisfied with matters as they were +left. We had a lively debate, a majority much larger than we had dared +to hope for, and, as far as we are concerned, I think we'll leave +matters alone. As one of our great prose-writers observed, it is, on +the whole, more conducive to comfort to endure any inconveniences that +may press upon one at the current moment, than to hasten to encounter +others with the precise nature of which we do not happen to be +acquainted." + +[Illustration: Under-Secretary.] + +GRAND CROSS missed this delightful little episode, not coming in till +questions were over. Now he sat in Peers' Gallery and gazed through +spectacles on scene of earlier triumphs. Looks hardly a day older than +when he left us; the same perky manner, the same wooden visage, with +its pervading air of supreme self-satisfaction and inscrutable wisdom. +It is a night given up to Indian topics. PLOWDEN, in his quiet, +effective way, has just carried Motion which will have substantial +effect in the direction of securing fuller debate of Indian questions. +GORST, standing at table replying to BUCHANAN on another Indian topic, +alludes with deferential tone to "the SECRETARY OF STATE." GRAND CROSS +almost audibly purrs from his perch in the Gallery. + +"An odd world, my masters," says the Member for SARK, striding out +impatiently, "when you have a man like GORST Under-Secretary, with +a man like GRAND CROSS at the Head of the Department." + +_Business done_.--An hour or two given to India. + +_Thursday_.--Army Estimates on to-night. HANBURY comes to the front, +as usual. STANHOPE tossing about on Treasury Bench, in considerable +irritation. + +"What's the use, my ST. JOHN," he asked BRODRICK, the only man +standing by him, "of a family arrangement like ours, if one is +subjected to annoyance like this? With one brother in the Peers, a +pillar of staid Conservatism; with myself on the Treasury Bench, +a Cabinet Minister, a right-hand man of the Government: and then, +final touch, old PHILIP EGALITÉ below the Gangway opposite, with +his Radicalism, and his tendency to out-JACOBY LABOUCHERE. This is +a broad-based family combination, that ought to make us, each in his +way, irresistible. And yet there seems nothing to prevent a fellow +like HANBURY looking down from his six feet two scornfully on a +British soldier not more than five feet four in his stocking-feet, +whilst he inflates his chest, and asks, in profound bass notes, how +are the ancient glories of the British Army to be maintained with men +who cannot stretch the tape at thirty-six inches?" + +[Illustration: "Amazed at his own Moderation."] + +When HANBURY sat down, after pounding away in ponderous style for +nearly an hour, STANHOPE got up and prodded him reproachfully. +Wonderful how much vinegar and vitriol he managed to distil into his +oft-repeated phrase, "My honourable friend!" As for HANBURY, he sat +with hands in pocket, staring at empty benches opposite, amazed at his +own moderation. + +Hours of the usual kind of talk on Army Estimates; the Colonels, +Volunteer and otherwise, showing that the Army is as GILL (who +has recently spent some time in Boulogne) says, _en route pour les +chiens_; the SECRETARY of State for WAR demonstrating that everything +is in apple-pie order, and his right honourable predecessor on the +Front Opposition Bench bearing testimony to the general state of +efficiency. + +WOLMER flashed through the haze a word that has long wanted saying +in the House. Why, he asked, place sentries surrounding St. James's +Palace, the War Office, and the Horse Guards? Why, if presence of +armed men at these particular gateways is essential to proper conduct +of affairs of Department--why should Charity Commissioners and +Education Office be left unguarded? WOLMER should keep pegging away at +this question till he gets common-sense answer. + +_Business done_.--Army Estimates moved. + +_Friday_.--Gallant little Wales took the floor to-night. Wants the +Church Disestablished; PRITCHARD MORGAN, in speech of prodigious +length, asked House to sanction the proposal. The Government, +determined to oppose Motion, cast about for Member of their body who +could best lead opposition. Hadn't a Welshman on the Treasury Bench. + +"There's RAIKES, you know," AKERS-DOUGLAS said, discussing the matter +with OLD MORALITY. "He's not exactly a Welshman, but, when he's at +home, he lives in Denbighshire, which is as near being Wales as you +can get. Besides, his postal address is Llwynegrin." + +"Ah!" said OLD MORALITY, "that looks well. He's not the rose, but he +lives in convenient contiguity to the flower." + +So RAIKES was put up, and a nice, peaceful, soothing, insinuating, +conciliatory speech he made. In fact, as the Member for SARK says, "He +got gallant little Wales down on its back, tied its horns and heels +together, partially flayed it, and then rubbed in cunningly contrived +combination of Cayenne pepper and vinegar." + +_Business done_.--Welsh Disestablishment Motion negatived by 235 Votes +to 203. + + * * * * * + +CELT AGAIN. + + GRANT-ALLEN,--his manner moves cynics to mirth!-- + Makes out that the Celt is the Salt of the Earth. + That accounts, it may be, for his dominant fault; + A "salt of the earth" _has_ a taste for assault! + + * * * * * + +OUT OF SCHOOL! + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--You are so awfully good to chaps at school that I +am sure you will insert this letter. SMITH MINOR, who takes in the +_Times_, says, that a "PARENT" has been writing to say, that there +should be a meeting of Fathers to swagger over the meeting of Head +Masters. Well, this wouldn't be half a bad idea if it were properly +conducted; but the "PARENT" seems to be a beast of a governor, who +wants to cut down the holidays, and such like rot. And this brings me +to what I want to propose myself. If there are to be meetings of Head +Masters and Parents, why not a meeting of Boys? We have a heap of +grievances. For instance, lots of chaps would like to know why "the +water" was stopped at Westminster, and something about the domestic +economy of Harrow. Then the great and burning question of grub is +always ready to hand. The "PARENT" wants to have a hand in the payment +for school-books, seeing his way to getting the discount (stingy +chap!) then why shouldn't we fellows have a voice choosing them? Then +about taking up Greek, why shouldn't we have our say in _that_ matter? +After all, it interests us more than anyone else, as we are the +fellows that will have to learn it, if it is to be retained. Then +about corporal punishment. Not that we mind it much, still _we_ are +the fellows who get swished at Eton, and feel the tolly at Beaumont. +Surely the Boys know more about a licking than Head Masters and +Parents? You, as a practical man, will say, "Who should attend the +Congress?" I reply, every public school might send a delegate; and by +public school, I do not limit the term to the old legitimate "E. and +the two W.'s," Eton, Winchester and Westminster. No; I would throw +it open to such respectable educational establishments as Harrow, +Rugby, Charterhouse, St. Paul's, Marlborough, Felsted, Cheltenham, +Stonyhurst, and the rest of them. The more the merrier, say I; and +if there was a decided division of opinion on any subject, we could +settle the matter off-hand at once, by taking off our jackets and +turning up our shirt-sleeves. The more I think of it, the more I like +it! It _would_ be a game! + +Always your affectionate friend, (_Signed_) JONES MINIMUS. + + * * * * * + +THE SAME OLD GAME. + + [Russia is said to be threatening the old Finnish laws and + liberties.] + + Russia snubs him who, as a candid friend, + Horrors Siberian, Hebrew would diminish. + _Must_ Muscovites prove tyrants to the end? + At least they aim to prove so to the _Finnish_! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, VOL. +100. Feb. 28, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13098-8.txt or 13098-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/0/9/13098/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, VOL. 100. Feb. 28, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 3, 2004 [EBook #13098] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 28, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page97" + id="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span> + + <h2>SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.</h2> + + <h4>No. II.—THE LITERARY "GHOST."</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/97-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/97-1.png" + alt="Elderly lady." /></a> + </div> + + <p>We will assume, simply for the purposes of this argument, + that you, reader, are an innocent-minded elderly lady, and a + regular subscriber to the Local Circulating Library. You are + sitting by your comfortable fireside, knitting a "cross-over" + for a Bazaar, when your little maid announces a gentleman, who + says he has not a card-case with him, but requests that you + will see him.</p> + + <p>"You are sure he <i>is</i> a gentleman, MARY ANN?" you will + inquire, with a slight uneasiness as to the umbrellas in the + hall.</p> + + <p>"Oh, a puffict gentleman, Mam," says MARY ANN—"with a + respirator."</p> + + <p>Upon this testimony to his social standing, you direct that + the perfect gentleman shall be shown in.</p> + + <p>MARY ANN has not deceived you—he has a respirator, + also blue spectacles, and a red nose. He apologises with fluent + humility for intruding upon you without the honour of a + previous acquaintance, and takes a chair, after which he shifts + his respirator to his chin, sheds a pair of immense woollen + gloves into his hat, and produces a bundle of papers, over + which he intreats you to cast an eye. On perusing them, they + prove to be letters from various eminent authors, whose names + are, more or less, familiar to you. These documents are more + interesting as autographs than from any intrinsic literary + merit, for they all refer to remittances for various amounts, + and regret politely that the writer is not in a position to + obtain permanent employment for his correspondent. While you + are reading them, your visitor pays assiduous court to your + cat—which impresses you favourably.</p> + + <p>"Possibly, Madam," he suggests, "you may be personally + acquainted with some of those gentlemen?" When you confess that + you have not that honour, he seems more at his ease.</p> + + <p>"I asked," he says, "because I have long heard of you as a + Lady of great taste and judgment in literary + matters—which, after seeing you, I can the more readily + understand."</p> + + <p>It is a fact that several of your nieces and female + neighbours are in the habit of declaring that they would rather + take your opinion on a novel than that of all the critics; + still, you had not expected your fame to have spread so + wide.</p> + + <p>"I had another motive," he confesses, "because, if you were + intimate with any of these authors, I should naturally 'esitate + to say anything which might have the effect of altering your + opinion of them. As it is, I can speak with perfect + freedom—though in the strictest confidence. You see + before you, Madam, an unfortunate bean, whom circumstances have + 'itherto debarred from ever reaping the fruit of his own brine! + Well may you remark, 'Your Gracious Goodness'"—(<i>your + natural astonishment having escaped you in the shape of this + invocation</i>)—"for in your goodness and in your + graciousness rests my sole remaining 'ope. I was endowed from + an early age with a fertile and versatile imagination, and + creative powers which, without vanity, I may say, were of a + rather superior class. The one thing I lacked was inflooence, + and in the world of letters, Madam, as I am sure you do not + need to be informed, without inflooence Genius is denied a + suitable opening. At several literary Clubs in the West End I + made the acquaintance of the authors whose letters you have + just had the opportunity of reading—men who have since + attained to the topmost pinnacle of Fame. At that time they + were comparatively obscure; they 'eard my conversation, they + realised that I 'ad ideers, of which they knew the value + better, perhaps, than I did myself. I used to see them taking + down notes on their shirt-cuffs, and that, but I took no notice + of it at the time. Probably you have read the celebrated work + of fiction by Mr. GASHLEIGH WALKER, entitled, <i>King Cole's + Cellars</i>? I thought so. I gave him the plot, scenery and + characters complete, for that story. I did, indeed."</p> + + <p>"And do you mean to say he has taken all the credit + himself!" you exclaim, very properly shocked.</p> + + <p>"If he has," he replies, meekly, "I am far from + complaining—a shilling or two was an object to me at that + time. And it got me more work of the sort. There's <i>Booty + Bay</i>, now, the book that made ROBERTSON—<i>that</i> + was took down, word for word, from my dictation, in a back + parlour of one of LOCKHART's Cocoa-Rooms. I got fifteen + shillings for that. <i>He</i> got, I daresay, 'undreds of + pounds. Well, <i>I</i> don't grudge it to him. As he said, I + ought to remember he had all the <i>manual</i> labour of it. + Then there's that other book which has sold its thousands, + <i>Four Men in a Funny</i>—that was mine—all but + the last chapter; he <i>would</i> put in that, and, in + <i>my</i> opinion, spoilt it, from an artistic point. But what + could I do? It was out of <i>my</i> 'ands! I must say I never + anticipated myself that it would be so popular. 'I should be + robbing you,' I said, 'if I took more than ten shillings for + it.' All the same, it turned out a good bargain for him. Then + there's the Drama, you would hardly credit it that I could name + three leading theatres at this present moment where pieces are + running which came originally out of <i>my</i> 'ed! But it's no + use my saying so—no one would believe it. And now I've + 'elped all these men up the ladder, they can do without + me—they can go alone—or think they can. See the way + they write—not a word about owing anything to my 'umble + services, a postal order for three-and-six; but that's the + world all over!"</p> + + <p>"But surely," you will sympathetically observe, "you will + expose them, you will insist on sharing in the reward of your + labours—it is a duty you owe to the public, as well as + yourself!"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:36%;"> + <a href="images/97-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/97-2.png" + alt="The perfect gentleman." /></a>"Slow rises worth + by poverty depressed." + </div> + + <p>"So I've been told, Madam. But what can I do?—I'm a + poor man. 'Slow rises worth, by poverty depressed,' as POPE, or + GOLDSMITH—for a similar idea occurs in both—truly + observes. To put my case before the public as it <i>ought</i> + to be put, I should first have to gain the ear of the + Press—and you want a golden key to do that, nowadays. The + Press is very reluctant to run down successful writers. 'Hawks + won't pick out Awkses heyes,' as BURNS remarks. (<i>By this + time you are probably fumbling for your purse, which, as usual, + is at the bottom of your work-basket.</i>) No, they will find + me out some day—after I'm dead and gone, most likely! In + the meantime I envy nobody. I have the consciousness of Genius, + and—I'm sure your generosity is overwhelming, + Madam—I really never ventured to—Pardon these + tears; it is the first time my poor talents have ever obtained + such recognition as this! Could you crown your favours by + giving me the names and addresses of any charitable friends and + neighbours whom you think at all likely to follow your noble + example?... I thank you from my heart, Madam, and, when I + succeed in recovering my literary in'eritance, and am called + upon to issue a collected edition of my works, I shall take the + liberty of inscribing on the title-page a dedication to the + generous benefactress who first 'elped to restore my fallen + fortunes!"</p> + + <p>With this he seals his lips again with the respirator, + pockets his documents and your donation, and bows himself + gratefully out, leaving you to meditate on the unscrupulousness + of popular Authors, and the ease with which a confiding public + is hoodwinked.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>M.P. Manfield, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Northampton's new Member an honour can claim</p> + + <p class="i2">On which he need set little store:</p> + + <p>He now has M.P. written after his name,</p> + + <p class="i2">But he always had M.P. before.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If every M.P. in the lobby counts one,</p> + + <p class="i2">To the <i>Ayes</i>, or the <i>Noes</i>, + walking through,</p> + + <p>Does logic demand, in each case, <i>pro</i> and + <i>con.</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">M.P. MANFIELD, M.P., should count + two?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>CHANCE FOR SPINSTERS OF AN UNCERTAIN AGE.—There is to + be a Mahommedan Mission in England.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page98" + id="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/98.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/98.png" + alt="'THE WATER BABIES AND THE ROYAL GODMOTHER.'" /> + </a> + + <h3>"THE WATER BABIES AND THE ROYAL GODMOTHER."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>BRAVO, BAGSHAWE!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A lady of Bedford, despotic and rash,</p> + + <p>Tried to force her poor groom to shave off his + moustache.</p> + + <p>Judge BAGSHAWE the wise, made her pay for her + prank.</p> + + <p>This makes one inclined to sing, "<i>I know a + Bank</i>,"</p> + + <p>Where BAGSHAWE might bring common-sense, for a + change;</p> + + <p>They're worse than the Lady of Goldington + Grange,</p> + + <p>These Banking Bashaws with three tails, who must + clip</p> + + <p>Nature's health-giving gift from a clerk's chin or + lip.</p> + + <p>Bah! What <i>are</i> they fit for, these stupid old + rules?</p> + + <p>To be shaped by rich tyrants, obeyed by poor + fools!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>QUEER QUERIES.</h3> + + <p>ENGLISH HISTORY.—I have been reading several books on + this subject, and am rather puzzled. Are the English people, + <i>as existing now</i>, Teutons, or Danes, or Celts, or what? + Can we be Teutons when the aborigines of these islands were not + Teutonic? I feel that my own genius—and I have a + lot—is Celtic; at the same time I have always prided + myself on my Norman blood; yet from my liking for the sea, + which never makes me sick, at least at Herne Bay, I fancy I + must be descended from a Scandinavian Viking. What is the + ethnological name given to a person who is an amalgamation of + such heterogeneous elements?—INQUIRER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page99" + id="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/99.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/99.png" + alt="TOUCHING CONFIDENCE IN THE FOG." /></a> + + <h3>TOUCHING CONFIDENCE IN THE FOG.</h3><i>Gentleman of + Engaging Manners.</i> "BLESS YOUR 'EART, YOU'LL BE HALL + RIGHT ALONG O' ME, MUM! LET ME KERRY THE LITTLE BAG FOR + YOU, MUM!!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BRUM AND THE OOLOGIST.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Mr. W. JAMES asked the LORD ADVOCATE whether his + attention had been called to a circular, issued from + Birmingham by the Naturalists' Publishing Company, inviting + applications for shares in "An Oological Expedition to the + land of the Great Auk," meaning the Shetland Isles, and + stating that, "if the season is a pretty fair one, a haul + of at least twenty thousand eggs" of rare sea-birds might + be expected.—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The "Brum" and the Oologist</p> + + <p class="i2">Were walking hand in hand;</p> + + <p>They grinned to see so many birds</p> + + <p class="i2">On cliff, and rock, and sand.</p> + + <p>"If we could only get their eggs,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Said they, "it would be grand."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"If we should start a Company</p> + + <p class="i2">To gather eggs all day,</p> + + <p>Do you suppose," the former said,</p> + + <p class="i2">"That we could make it pay?"</p> + + <p>"We might," said the Oologist,</p> + + <p class="i2">"On the promoting lay!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Then you've a tongue, and I a ship,</p> + + <p class="i2">Likewise some roomy kegs;</p> + + <p>And you might lead the birds a dance</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon their ugly legs;</p> + + <p>And, when you've got them out of sight,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll steal their blooming eggs."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, Sea-birds," said the Midland man,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Let's take a pleasant walk!</p> + + <p>Perhaps among you we may find</p> + + <p class="i2">The Great—or lesser—Auk;</p> + + <p>And you might possibly enjoy</p> + + <p class="i2">A scientific talk."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The skuas and the cormorants,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all the puffin clan,</p> + + <p>The stormy petrels, gulls, and terns,</p> + + <p class="i2">They hopped, and skipped, and ran</p> + + <p>With very injudicious speed</p> + + <p class="i2">To join that oily man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The time has come," remarked the Brum,</p> + + <p class="i2">"For 'talking without tears'</p> + + <p>Of birds unhappily extinct,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet known in former years;</p> + + <p>And how much cash an egg will fetch</p> + + <p class="i2">In Naturalistic spheres."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But not <i>our</i> eggs!" replied the birds,</p> + + <p class="i2">Feeling a little hot.</p> + + <p>"You surely would not rob our nests</p> + + <p class="i2">After this pleasant trot?"</p> + + <p>The Midland man said nothing but,—</p> + + <p class="i2">"I guess he's cleared the lot!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Well!" said that bland Oologist,</p> + + <p class="i2">"We've had a lot of fun.</p> + + <p>Next year, perhaps, these Shetland birds</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll visit—with a gun;</p> + + <p>When—as we've taken all their eggs—</p> + + <p class="i2">There'll probably be none!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Queer Queries.</h3> + + <p>DIVORCE FACILITIES.—I should like to be informed in + what part of the United States it is that a Divorce is granted + in half-an-hour, at a merely nominal fee, on the ground of + conscientious objections to monogamy? What is the cost of + getting there, and would it be necessary that my wife should go + there too? There might be a difficulty in persuading her to + take the journey.</p> + + <p class="author">INCOMPATIBILITY.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A CANADIAN CALENDAR.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>To be hoped not Prophetic.</i>)</h4> + + <p>1892. Reciprocity firmly established between the Dominion + and the U.S.A.</p> + + <p>1893. Emigration ceases between the Dominion and the Mother + Country, and trade dies out.</p> + + <p>1894. Return from Canada of families of the best blood to + England and France.</p> + + <p>1895. Great increase of the Savage Indian Tribes in the + country, and the Improvident Irish Population in the towns of + the Dominion.</p> + + <p>1896. Practical suspension of trade between the Dominion and + the U.S.A., the latter having now attained the desired object + of shutting out goods of British manufacture from the American + market.</p> + + <p>1897. England refuses to assist Canada in resenting Yankee + encroachment in the seal fisheries.</p> + + <p>1898. Canada asks to be annexed to the U.S.A.</p> + + <p>1899. After some hesitation Uncle SAM consents to absorb the + Dominion.</p> + + <p>1900. Canada becomes a tenth-rate Yankee State.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE DICTUM OF DIOGENES.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"One Man, One Vote!" A very proper plan</p> + + <p>If you with each One Vote can find—One + <i>Man</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MRS. GRUNDY TO MR. GOSCHEN.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Three per Cents, the Three per Cents,</p> + + <p class="i2">Serene but mortal Three,</p> + + <p>In view of recent sad events,</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh! give them back to me.</p> + + <p>Oh! GOSCHEN, Sir, kind gentleman,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hear my polite laments;</p> + + <p>Restore this trio, if you can—</p> + + <p class="i2">Those musical Per Cents.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My income once was safe, if small;</p> + + <p class="i2">It's larger, but unpaid,</p> + + <p>Despite "the quite phenomenal</p> + + <p class="i2">Development of Trade."</p> + + <p>The "Bogus Man" is on the track,</p> + + <p class="i2">And queer "Financial Gents"</p> + + <p>Have promised me in white and black</p> + + <p class="i2">Their Six and Ten per Cents.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Three per Cents were regular,</p> + + <p class="i2">Respectable, and good.</p> + + <p>Their health was such that "under par"</p> + + <p class="i2">They very seldom stood;</p> + + <p>They needed no "conversion" rash,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like Darker Continents;</p> + + <p>A sort of Sunday turned to cash</p> + + <p class="i2">They were, my Three per Cents.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A distant river somewhere rolls,</p> + + <p class="i2">The wicked River Plate;</p> + + <p>Upon its <i>banks</i> there flourish souls</p> + + <p class="i2">Perverse and reprobate.</p> + + <p>Ah, send your missionaries <i>there</i>!</p> + + <p class="i2">If haply it repents,</p> + + <p>I'll not surrender Eaton Square</p> + + <p class="i2">For Surrey's wild or Kent's.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not I alone; the best that breathe,</p> + + <p class="i2">Archbishop, Duke, and Lord,</p> + + <p>Your bust with chaplets rare will wreathe,</p> + + <p class="i2">This boon if you'll accord.</p> + + <p>How can we by example shame</p> + + <p class="i2">The mob who mock at rents,</p> + + <p>If we are left to do the same</p> + + <p class="i2">Without our Three per Cents?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Reft of a carriage, life is poor:</p> + + <p class="i2">A well-conducted set</p> + + <p>Needs ready money to procure</p> + + <p class="i2">Their butler and <i>Debrett</i>.</p> + + <p>The country totters to its fall,</p> + + <p class="i2">Disgraced to all intents,</p> + + <p>Unless you instantly recall</p> + + <p class="i2">Our solid Three per Cents.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE FLOWERLESS FUNERAL.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a Flower Merchant.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Funeral Reform? Oh! just a fad,—</p> + + <p>Its advocates, in fact, as bad</p> + + <p class="i2">As those who want Cremation.</p> + + <p>A set of foolish, fussy fools</p> + + <p>Whose misplaced ardour nothing cools—</p> + + <p class="i2">A nuisance to the nation!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Economy, they're all agreed,</p> + + <p>Should be with them a cult and creed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Simplicity a passion.</p> + + <p>They'd quickly wreck this trade of ours,</p> + + <p>Since they would scorn the use of flowers,</p> + + <p class="i2">If they could set the fashion!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes; parsons agitate, but these</p> + + <p>Good gentlemen all take their fees—</p> + + <p class="i2">We thank them much for giving</p> + + <p>Such good advice upon this head,</p> + + <p>But recollect that from the dead</p> + + <p class="i2">We've got to get our living!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>CHORUS OF THE OBJECTORS TO THE PROPOSED LORD'S TUNNEL + RAILWAY.—"WATKIN the matter be!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page100" + id="page100"></a>[pg 100]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h4>No. XIV.—LE PÉTROLIUM; OU, LES SALOPERIES + PARISIENNES.</h4> + + <p>(<i>Par Zorgon-Gola, Auteur de "Toujours Poivre," "Charbon + et Crasse," "La Fange," "499 Pages d'Amour," "Le Pourvoyeur + Universel," "Une Rêveuse qui vise l'Académie</i>.")</p> + + <h4>I.—LA FAMILLE.</h4> + + <p>Si vous voulez voir les <i>Slums</i> Parisiens et comprendre + le Peuple—avec la majuscule—vous devez visiter les + Saloperies, faubourg au delà de Belleville et de Ménilmontant, + faubourg où les femmes sortent le matin en cheveux—ça ne + veut pas dire comme Lady GODIVA, mais simplement sans + chapeau—acheter de la charcuterie; et où vers minuit dans + des bouges infects les hommes se coupent le gavion, en bons + zigs, après une soirée de rigolade. C'est ici qu'on trouve des + admirables exemplaires de cette nombreuse famille EGOU-OGWASH, + qui, datant de PHARAMOND, peuple Paris et joue tous les rôles + dans la comédie humaine. Ce n'est pas une famille tout à fait + vieille roche, voyez-vous: au contraire, ça commence dans la + boue de Provence et finit dans les égouts de Paris; mais elle + est distinguée, tout de même. Elle a son épilepsie héréditaire, + belle et forte épilepsie qu'on trouvera partout dans cette + vingtaine de romans que je suis resolu d'écrire au sujet des + EGOU-OGWASH. C'est une épilepsie généalogique. Il y en a pour + toute la famille.</p> + + <h4>II.—LES POPPOT.</h4> + + <p>JANE POPPOT se promenait sur le Boulevard des Saloperies par + une belle matinée d'août. En cheveux, panier sur le bras, elle + allait acheter de la charcuterie pour le déjeuner de son mari, + oui, son mari pour de bon, chose unique dans la famille OGWASH, + un vrai mariage à la Mairie et à l'église. Cette petite blonde, + JANE, a ses idées à elle de se ranger, de vivre en honnête + femme avec son respectable JEAN POPPOT qui l'adore, au point de + lui pardonner tout le volume premier de son histoire.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/100.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/100.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Il n'y a pas dans tout Paris ménage plus gentil que le petit + appartement au septième des POPPOT dans une cité ouvrière de ce + Betnal Grin Parisien. Tout va bien avec ces braves gens. Lui, + c'est le Steeple-Jack de Paris, où il fait les réparations de + tous les toits. Elle, blanchisseuse de fin, a développé un + secret dans la façon d'empeser les plastrons de chemises. Elle + fait des plastrons monumentaux, luisants, dur comme l'albâtre. + Elle a des clients dans le beau monde et à l'étranger, jusqu'au + Prince de BALEINES, qui lui confie ses chemises de grande + toilette, celles qu'il porte au diner du Lor Maire, par + exemple.</p> + + <p>JANE achète sa charcuterie, et après elle s'arrête au coin + de la rue pour regarder Paris. C'était un tic qu'elle avait, de + regarder Paris. Cela tenait de la famille OGWASH. Instinct de + race.</p> + + <p>Paris, vu du hauteur des Saloperies, semble une grande + marmite pleine de boue et de sang, où les gens grouillent, se + tordent, s'empiffrent, se dévorent, et <i>squirment</i> dans + leur propre graisse, comme de la blanchaille sautant dans + l'huile bouillante. Un nuage de <i>sewer-gaz</i> monte jusqu'à + JANE stationnée sur la hauteur de Belleville; et dans cette + brume puante elle sent l'odeur de femmes et de l'ognon, le + cognac, le meurtre, le fricot, le mont de piété, les omnibus, + les croquemorts, les gargotes, les bals à l'entrée libre pour + dames, tout ce qu'il y a de funeste et de choquant dans cette + ville infecte.</p> + + <p>JANE s'amuse à flairer toutes ces horreurs pendant que le + pauvre POPPOT danse devant le buffet en attendant l'arlequin ou + le demi kilo de charcuterie assortie dans le panier de sa + femme.</p> + + <h4>III.—DÉGRINGOLADE.</h4> + + <p>Elle a dégringolé. Cela a commencé tout doucement en + trainant ses savates. Quand une femme dégringole elle traine + ses savates. C'est une loi universelle. L'on ne dégringole pas + sans trainer ses savates; l'on ne traine pas ses savates sans + dégringoler. Ainsi gare aux souliers éculés. O, mais elle est + changée, cette pauvre p'tite blonde! La maladie héréditaire des + EGOU-OGWASH vient d'être indiquée. POPPOT, ce brave POPPOT, lui + aussi il dégringole, il resemble à un réverbère sur le + boulevard dont on oublie d'éteindre le gaz. Il est allumé du + matin au soir.</p> + + <p>Ça a commencé si gentiment après que ce bon Steeple-Jack + était tombé du faîte de Notre Dame, où il faisait des + réparations. Le pauvre homme a fait cette chute en regardant + JANE, qui dansait le cancan sur la Place du Parvis pour choquer + ces crétins de <i>Cook-tourists</i>, et pour distraire son + mari. C'était pendant la convalescence de POPPOT que la + dégringolade a commencé. JANE lui donna un dé à coudre de + vilain cognac, et de ce premier doigt de casse-poitrine à + l'ivrognerie brutale n'était qu'une glissade, presque aussi + rapide que la glissade de Notre Dame. POPPOT trainait ses + savates; il chômait; il rigolait; il gardait le Saint Lundi; il + passait des journées devant le buffet du Pétrolium, ce grand + cabaret du peuple où l'on voyait distiller le trois-six pour + tout le quartier.</p> + + <p>JANE faisait pire que dégringoler; elle cascadait. Elle ne + se débarbouillait plus. Elle avait pris en horreur le savon. + Est-ce une aversion héréditaire, datant de la première femme + qui a senti la puanteur de cet abominable savon français, avant + la bienfaisante invention de M. POIRES? Sans doute c'était + l'atavisme en quelque forme. Elle avait son béguin. C'était le + linge sale. Plus il était sale, plus elle en raffolait. Elle ne + voulait plus les chemises en batiste fine du Prince de + BALEINES. Elle priait les aristos du Jockey Club de donner + leurs plastrons à d'autres. Les clients qu'elle préferait + étaient les porte-faix, les forts de la halle, les chauffeurs + du chemin de fer. C'était en allant chercher le linge de ces + derniers qu'elle entrait sans le savoir dans le Dédale de cette + voie ferrée qui enlace et écrase les êtres vivants comme les + grandes roues des locomotives écrasent la poussière de la + voie.</p> + + <p>Le Président du P.L.M. lui aussi avait son béguin + héréditaire. Il courait les femmes malpropres. Plus elles ne se + débarbouillaient pas, plus il les courait. C'était innocent. Il + les admirait du côté esthétique. Cela tenait de la famille, + puis de ce que lui aussi était de la vieille souche des + EGOU-OGWASH. Il s'allumait en lorgnant la figure noircie de + cette pauvre JANE, et la rencontrant dans la gare un jour il se + permit un pen de <i>flirtàge</i> sans penser à mal. Mais par + une fatalité, POPPOT, affreusement paf, descendait d'une + quatrième classe au moment ou le vieux baisait la main + crasseuse de JANE, en lui disant son gentil bon soir: et des + cet instant POPPOT voyait rouge.</p> + + <h4>IV.—SURINADE.</h4> + + <p>IL voyait rouge. Paris lui semblait un abattoir. Il couvait + le meurtre, et pour l'aider il avait un complice qui était du + métier, JACQUES RISPÈRE, conducteur de machines sur le P.L.M., + qui avait aussi sa manie héréditaire, et sa manie à lui était + de couper les gorges. Il les coupait sans rancune, à + l'improviste, en souriant à sa victime, les yeux dans les yeux. + Cric! c'était fait. Par exemple il est descendu un jour de la + locomotive et devant le buffet d'une station où il n'y avait + pas trop de monde il a suriné la <i>barmaid</i> qui lui + souriait en lui vendant une brioche. Il a égorgé son chauffeur + au risque d'arrêter le train de luxe entre Avignon et + Marseilles. On ne le punit pas. Cela tenait de la famille.</p> + + <p>"Touche là, mon drôle! C'est convenu," dit JACQUES RISPÈRE, + après un entretien de quelques heures devant le buffet du + Pétrolium. "Moi, j'arrangerai tout cela avec les + fonctionnaires. Le train arrivant de Génève doit passer le + Rapide entre Macon et Dijon. Il ne passera pas. Je retarderai + le train omnibus arrivant de Marseilles. J'accélererai le + <i>train-luggage</i> arrivant de Paris. Il y aura une mêlée de + quatre trains, entrechoqués, tordus, enlacés, faisant le + <i>pique-à-baque</i>: et pendant cette mêlée j'égorgerai ce + vieux mufe de Président. C'est simple."</p> + + <p>"Comme bon jour," repondit POPPOT, aveuglément soûl.</p> + + <p>RISPÈRE tenait parole. À onze heures du soir il y avait une + de ces catastrophes qui font frémir l'Europe voyageuse. + L'assassin ne <span class="pagenum"><a name="page101" + id="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span> s'arrêtait pas à la gorge + du Président. Le vieil aristo n'avait pas assez de sang pour + assouvir la soif meurtrière de l'épileptique. RISPÈRE + égorgea tout le monde, à tort et à travers, une véritable + tuerie. On le prit les mains rouges, la bouche blanche + d'écume. C'était la vraie épilepsie d'ESQUIROL.</p> + + <p>Quant à POPPOT personne n'a soupçonné sa complicité dans ce + crime gigantesque. Lui et JANE se soûlent paisiblement du matin + an soir devant le buffet du Pétrolium, en amis. Ils deviennent + tous les jours plus pauvres, plus paresseux, et plus poivres. + Ainsi c'est facile de prévoir leur fin:—</p> + + <p>L'hôpital, trente pages de délire alcoölique, et la fosse + commune.</p> + + <p><i>Note de l'Auteur</i>.—C'est mon intention + irrévocable de finir ma vingtaine de romans sur la famille + OGWASH, et je compte avec plasir offrir les dix-neuf à suivre à + mon ami estimé, <i>Ponche</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LISTENING TO THE GENTLE KOOEN.</h2> + + <p><i>Maid Marian</i> is "a Comic Opera in Three Acts," at + least so I gather from the title-page of the book and from the + programme of the Prince of Wales's Theatre; though where the + comicality comes in, except occasionally with Mr. MONKHOUSE, it + would require <i>Sam Weller's</i> "pair o' patent double + million magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra power" to detect. + Mr. LE HAY, too, has nothing like the opportunity which was + given him in <i>Prince Bulbo</i>. Now, when in a so-called + Comic Opera your two principal low comedians have very little + to do, say, or sing, and when that little is not of a + particularly side-splitting character, and when the plot is not + replete with comic situations, such a work must depend for its + success on the freshness of its melodies, on the popularity of + its <i>artistes</i>, and on the excellence of its + <i>mise-en-scène</i>.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/101-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/101-1.png" + alt="Libretto by Smith. As he appears in Act III., 'hammering at it.'" /> + </a>Libretto by Smith. As he appears in Act III., + "hammering at it." + </div> + + <p>As to the last of these essentials, if, perhaps, it is not + so brilliantly placed on the stage as some other shows have + been, yet there is plenty of Harrisian movement, due always to + the devices in stage-management of CHARLES of that ilk, who + certainly knows how to keep the Chorus moving and the game + alive generally.</p> + + <p>The yet existing admirers of the once enormously popular + composer, OFFENBACH, among whom I certainly include myself, + will be much gratified by the delicately introduced + reminiscences of the work of that master of <i>opéra bouffe</i> + which occasionally crop up during the performance of <i>Maid + Marian</i>. If it be permissible for great Masters to repeat + themselves, as notably more than one has done, may not little + Masters exhibit the results of their profound studies in the + schools of popular Composers? Surely they may; and was I not + pleased with Mr. DE KOOEN (whose name seems to suggest "the + voice of the turtle,"—the dove, not the soup) when his + prelude to the Third Act distinctly recalled to my attentive + mind the celebrated unison effect in <i>L'Africaine</i>, only + without the marvellous jump, which, when first heard, thrilled + the audience, and compelled an enthusiastic encore? Then Miss + VIOLET CAMERON sang a song about the bells, with a chorus not + in the least like that in <i>Les Cloches de Corneville</i> you + understand, because the latter, I think, is performed without + the bells sounding, but in this there is a musical peal which + intensifies the distinction between the two. This "number" was + encored heartily, nay, I think it was demanded three times, and + came just at the right moment to freshen up the entertainment. + In the previous Act Miss ATTALIE CLAIRE had had a good song + which had also obtained an encore, thoroughly well deserved as + far as her singing was concerned.</p> + + <p>I forget what Mr. COFFIN had to sing, but, whatever it was, + he did it more than justice, as did also the <i>basso + profondo</i>, whose efforts in producing his voice from, + apparently, his boots, were crowned with remarkable + success.</p> + + <p>The <i>Friar Tuck</i> here is a kind of good old-fashioned + burlesque Friar, more like that one some years ago at the + Gaiety, in <i>Little Robin Hood</i> than the Friar in + <i>Ivanhoe</i>. But I should say that this Friar would be + uncommonly thankful to have got anything like the song that Sir + ARTHUR has given <i>his</i> Friar over the way, or something + even as good as Mr. DALLAS had to sing, years ago, in REECE's + Gaiety Burlesque. However, perhaps it was not intended for a + singing part, and perhaps the actor who plays it is not a + professional singer. We're not all of us born with silver notes + in our chests.</p> + + <p>I see that Mr. HORACE SEDGER announces the drama in action, + entitled <i>L'Enfant Prodigue</i>, which recently made such a + hit in Paris. Wonder how it will go here. Not knowing, can't + prophesy.</p> + + <p class="author">PRIVATE BOX.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>The Baron thanks Sir HENRY THOMPSON for his <i>Food and + Feeding</i>, which (published by WARNE & Co., a suggestive + name) has reached its sixth edition. It is, indeed, an + entertaining work, and a work that all honest entertainers + should carefully study. It will delight alike the host and the + guest. To the first, Sir HENRY, being a host in himself, can + give such valuable advice as, if acted upon, will secure the + ready pupil a position as a Lucullus of the first class; and, + even when so placed, he will still have much to learn from this + Past Grand Master in the art of living well and wisely. "<i>Fas + est ab 'hoste' doceri</i>"—and a better host it would be + difficult to find as teacher than Sir HENRY THOMPSON, P.G.M., + to whose health and happiness the Baron quaffs a bumper of + burgundy of the right sort and at the right time. Most + opportunely does this book appear in the season of Lent, which + may be well and profitably spent in acquiring a thorough + knowledge of how to turn to the best account the fleshpots of + Egypt, when the penitential time is past, and the yolk of + mortification is thrown off with the welcome return of the + Easter Egg. Read attentively what our guide and friend has to + say about salads, especially note his remarks on the salad of + "cold boiled table vegetables." His arrangement of the + <i>menu</i>, to the Baron's simple taste, humble mode of life, + and not inconsiderable experience, is perfect. <i>Hors + d'oeuvres</i> are works of supererogation, and have never been, + so to speak, acclimatised in our English table-land. The Baron + may have overlooked any directions about <i>écrivisses</i>, not + as <i>bisque</i>, but pure and simple as cray-fish, which, + fresh from the river and served hot and hot come in late but + welcome as an admirable refresher to the palate, and as a + relish for the champagne, though the Baron is free to admit + that the dainty manipulation of them is somewhat of a trial to + the inexperienced guest, especially in the presence of "Woman, + lovely Woman." "Hease afore helegance," was <i>Mr. Weller's</i> + motto, but "Ease combined with elegance" may be attained in a + few lessons, which any skilled M.D.E. (<i>i.e.</i>, <i>Mangeur + d'écrivisses</i>) will be delighted to give at the + well-furnished table of an apt and ardent pupil. Once more + "<i>Your</i> health, Sir HENRY!" that's the Baron's toast + (bread not permitted) in honour of the eminent practician who + does so much for the health of everybody.</p> + + <p>That a considerable number of novel-readers like <i>Saint + Monica</i>, by Mrs. BENNETT-EDWARDS, is evident, because it has + reached its sixth edition, but that the Baron is not one of + this happy number he is fain to admit. <i>Saint Monica</i> + seems to him to be a story with which the author of <i>As in a + Looking-Glass</i> might have done something in his peculiar + way. It begins with promise, which promise is not justified by + performance.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/101-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/101-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Who does not welcome the works of HAWLEY SMART, the + brightest of our novelists? This is not a conundrum, and, + consequently, has no answer. Everybody likes the books of our + literary Major, and everybody will be pleased with <i>The + Plunger</i>. The new Story is in two volumes, and is full of + incident. There is a murder, which carries one through, from + the first page to the last, in a state of breathless + excitement. Not that the tale commences with the tragedy. But + its anticipation is as delightful as its subsequent + realisation; and, when the mystery is solved, joy becomes + universal. The story is told with so light a hand, that it may + be truly said that the only "heavy" thing about the book is its + title.</p> + + <p><i>The Autobiography of Joseph Jefferson</i> is a good stout + volume, full of portraits and interest from beginning to end, + forming an important addition to the theatrical history of the + day. The Baron drinks to his old friend, the greatest + <i>Rip</i> that ever lived. "Here's your health, and your + family's, and may you live long, and prosper!" says, heartily, + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page102" + id="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/102.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/102.png" + alt="SATIETY." /></a> + + <h3>SATIETY.</h3>"OH, MAMMY DARLING, WHY CAN'T THE + TOYSHOP-MAN CALL FOR ORDERS EVERY MORNING, LIKE THE BAKER?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CORIOLANUS.</h2> + + <p>"<i>First Citizen</i>. Consider you what services he has + done for his country?</p> + + <p>"<i>Second Citizen</i>. Very well; and could be content to + give him good report for't, but that he pays himself with being + proud."—<i>Coriolanus</i>, Act I., Scene 1.</p> + + <p><i>Teuton Coriolanus loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>Was ever man so proud as is this</i> + MARCIUS?"</p> + + <p>There spake the babbling Tribune! Proud? Great + gods!</p> + + <p>All power seems pride to men of petty souls,</p> + + <p>As the oak's knotted strength seems arrogance</p> + + <p>To the slime-rooted and wind-shaken reed</p> + + <p>That shivers in the shallows.</p> + + <p class="i10">I who perched,</p> + + <p>An eagle on the topmost pinnacle</p> + + <p>Of the State's eminence, and harried thence</p> + + <p>All lesser fowl like sparrows!—I to hide</p> + + <p>Like a chased moor-hen in a marsh, and bate</p> + + <p>The breath that awed the world into a whisper,</p> + + <p>That would not shake a taper-flame or stir</p> + + <p>A flickering torch to flaring!</p> + + <p class="i10">"<i>I do wonder</i></p> + + <p><i>His insolence can brook to be commanded</i></p> + + <p><i>Under</i> COMINIUS." So the Roman said:</p> + + <p>SICINIUS VELUTUS, thou hadst reason.</p> + + <p>Under COMINIUS! Who's COMINIUS now?</p> + + <p>The adolescent Emperor, or his cool</p> + + <p>Complacent Chancellor? COMINIUS!</p> + + <p>Unseasoned youth, or untried middle-age,</p> + + <p>A shouting boy, or a sleek-spoken elder,</p> + + <p>Hot stripling, cool supplanter!</p> + + <p class="i10">I serve not</p> + + <p>"Under COMINIUS," nay!—yet since he stands</p> + + <p>There, where I made firm footing amidst chaos,</p> + + <p>Stands in smug comfort where we Titans + struggled—</p> + + <p>MOLTKE, and I, and the great Emperor,—</p> + + <p>Struggled for vantage, which he owes to + us;—</p> + + <p>Since he stands there, and I in shadow sit,</p> + + <p>Silenced and chidden, I half <i>feel</i> I + serve,</p> + + <p>Whom he would bid to second. Second <i>him</i>,</p> + + <p>In that Imperial Policy whose vast</p> + + <p>And soaring shape, like air-launched eagle, + seemed</p> + + <p>To fill the sky, and shadow half the world?</p> + + <p>As well the Eagle's self might be expected</p> + + <p>To second the small jay!</p> + + <p class="i10">My shadow, mine?</p> + + <p>Yes, but distorted by the skew-cast ray</p> + + <p>Of a far lesser sun than lit the noon</p> + + <p>Of my meridian glory. So I spurn</p> + + <p>The shrunken simulacrum!</p> + + <p class="i10">And they shriek,</p> + + <p>Shout censure at me, the cur-crowd who crouched,</p> + + <p>Ere that a woman's hate and a boy's pride</p> + + <p>Smote me, the new Abimelech, so sore;</p> + + <p>They'd hush me, like a garrulous greybeard, + chaired</p> + + <p>At the hearth-corner out of harm; they'd hush</p> + + <p>My voice—the valorous vermin! What say + they?</p> + + <p>"<i>That's a brave fellow; but he's vengeance + proud</i>;</p> + + <p><i>Loves not the common people!</i>" Humph! I + stand</p> + + <p>As MARCIUS would not, in the market-place,</p> + + <p>And show my wounds to the people. Is <i>that</i> + pride?</p> + + <p>I stooped to—<i>her!</i>—let me not + think of that;</p> + + <p>'T would poison paradise!—but is <i>that</i> + pride?</p> + + <p>The Roman pride was stiff and taciturn,</p> + + <p>And I,—they tell me, I "will still be + talking,"</p> + + <p>And no MENENIUS is by to say</p> + + <p>In charity of the modern MARCIUS,</p> + + <p>"<i>Consider this:—he has been bred i'the + wars</i></p> + + <p><i>Since he could draw a sword, and is + ill-school'd</i></p> + + <p><i>In bolted language: meal and bran + together</i></p> + + <p><i>He throws without distinction</i>."</p> + + <p class="i10">Well, well, well</p> + + <p>"<i>I would he had continued to his country</i></p> + + <p><i>As he began; and not unknit, himself,</i></p> + + <p><i>The noble knot he made</i>." So they'll whine + out</p> + + <p>The smug SICINIUSES. But what I wonder</p> + + <p>If once again the Volscians make new head!</p> + + <p>Who, "like an eagle in a dovecote," then</p> + + <p>Will flutter them and discipline AUFIDIUS?</p> + + <p>An eagle! Shall I spurn my shadow, then</p> + + <p>Trample my own projection? So they babble</p> + + <p>Who'd silence me, make this my + mouthpiece<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> + mute;</p> + + <p>Who prate of prosecution—banishment,</p> + + <p>Perchance, anon, for me, as for the Roman,</p> + + <p>Because "I cannot brook to be commanded</p> + + <p>Under COMINIUS." What said VOLUMNIA</p> + + <p>To her imperious son? "<i>The man was noble,</i></p> + + <p><i>But with his last attempt he wiped it + out;</i></p> + + <p><i>Destroy'd his country; and his name + remains</i></p> + + <p><i>To the ensuing age abhorr'd.</i>" I would not + have</p> + + <p>My own VIRGILIA say so—she who frets,</p> + + <p>At my colossal chafing. ARNIM's shade</p> + + <p>Would mock my fall; but silent Friedrichsruh</p> + + <p>Irks me, whilst lesser spirits so misshape</p> + + <p>My vast designs, whose shadow, dwarfed, + distorted,</p> + + <p>I trample in my anger, + thus—thus—thus!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>The <i>Hamburger Nachrichten</i>, in whose columns (says + the <i>Times</i>) Prince BISMARCK, according to the friends + of the Government, "inspires incessant attacks upon the + Imperial Policy, domestic, foreign, and colonial, and + especially upon the proceedings of his successor, General + CAPRIVI."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page103" + id="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/103.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/103.png" + alt="CORIOLANUS." /></a> + + <h3>CORIOLANUS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">"SUCH A NATURE,</p> + + <p>TICKLED WITH GOOD SUCCESS, DISDAINS THE + SHADOW</p> + + <p>WHICH HE TREADS ON AT + NOON."—<i>Coriolanus</i>, Act I., Sc. 1.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page105" + id="page105"></a>[pg 105]</span> + + <h2>DUMAS UP TO ARMY ESTIMATES' DATE.</h2> + + <h4>PART I.—<i>The Three Volunteers.</i></h4> + + <p>LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were + delighted with the progress discernible in every detail of the + battalion to which it was their honour to belong. Not a man + that did not appear on parade conscious of the fact that he had + made himself proficient—the privates were contented, the + non-commissioned officers happy. It was, indeed, a model + Regiment. On the occasion of their inspection by Colonel + D'ARTAGNAN, a man marched from the ranks, and demanded a + hearing.</p> + + <p>"And what do <i>you</i> want?" asked the inspecting + officer.</p> + + <p>"We wish the unjust to be made just," returned the + discontented one. "We ask for a reform."</p> + + <p>PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS would have protested, but Colonel + D'ARTAGNAN motioned them to be silent. "I am here," he + murmured, "to listen to complaints. I must listen to his."</p> + + <p>"Sir," said the complainant, "we have admirable + officers—the Lieutenant, the Captain, and the Major. They + are always at work."</p> + + <p>"Yes," returned Colonel D'ARTAGNAN; "and so are you."</p> + + <p>"But we have merely to obey orders, and not to command. We + feel that although we pay for everything connected with the + battalion, we should do something more. We ought to subscribe a + sum to pay our excellent officers for commanding us!"</p> + + <p>And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS refused the suggestion, to + the great disappointment of their subordinates.</p> + + <h4>PART II.—<i>Twenty Years Afterwards.</i></h4> + + <p>LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were + once again being inspected by D'ARTAGNAN, now wearing the gold + and crimson scarf of a general officer.</p> + + <p>"Yes, I have a complaint to make," replied one of the rank + and file, in reply to the customary interrogation. "We have + three officers; but they have merely to give orders, while we + have to obey them. This is unfair—unjust. We are always + at work."</p> + + <p>"Yes," returned General D'ARTAGNAN, "and so are they."</p> + + <p>"True enough. We feel that, although they pay everything for + the battalion, they should do more. They ought to compensate + their excellent privates for the time we devote to obeying + them."</p> + + <p>And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS accepted the suggestion, to + the great delight of their subordinates.</p> + + <h4>PART III.—<i>Ten Years Later.</i></h4> + + <p>Lieutenant PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were yet + again on parade.</p> + + <p>"I salute you, my friends," said Field Marshal D'ARTAGNAN, + the inspecting officer. "But where is your Regiment?"</p> + + <p>PORTHOS looked at ATHOS, and ATHOS glanced at ARAMIS. Then + they replied in a breath, "It has been disbanded."</p> + + <p>"Disbanded!" echoed D'ARTAGNAN. "But where are the accounts + of the Corps?"</p> + + <p>Then the three friends replied in a mournful tone, "Filed in + the Court of Bankruptcy!"</p> + + <p>"And what do you call this filing of officers' accounts in + the Court of Bankruptcy?"</p> + + <p>"We call it the last act of the Volunteer Movement, which, + by the way, however, was not entirely voluntary!"</p> + + <p>And the four friends having no further occupation requiring + their joint attention, shook hands warmly, and parted—for + ever!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN—TO DINNER.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Dinner-Belle.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>No. I.—THE OVER-CULTURED UNDERGRADUATE.</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:31%;"> + <a href="images/105.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/105.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He stood, as if posed by a column,</p> + + <p class="i2">Awaiting our hostess' advance;</p> + + <p>Complacently pallid and solemn,</p> + + <p class="i2">He deigned an Olympian glance.</p> + + <p>Icy cool, in a room like a crater,</p> + + <p class="i2">He silently marched me down-stairs,</p> + + <p>And Mont Blanc could not freeze with a greater</p> + + <p class="i2">Assurance of grandeur and airs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I questioned if Balliol was jolly—</p> + + <p class="i2">"Your epithet," sighed he, "means + noise.</p> + + <p>Vile noise! At his age it were folly</p> + + <p class="i2">To revel with Philistine boys."</p> + + <p>Competition, the century's vulture,</p> + + <p class="i2">Devoured academical fools;</p> + + <p>For himself, utter pilgrim of Culture,</p> + + <p class="i2">He countenanced none of the Schools.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Exams: were a Brummagem fashion</p> + + <p class="i2">Of mobs and inferior taste;</p> + + <p>They withered "Translucence" and "Passion,"</p> + + <p class="i2">They vulgarised leisure by haste.</p> + + <p>Self to realise—that was the question,</p> + + <p class="i2">Inscrutable still while the cooks</p> + + <p>Of our Colleges preached indigestion,</p> + + <p class="i2">Their Dons indigestible books.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Two volumes alone were not bathos,</p> + + <p class="i2">The one by an early Chinese,</p> + + <p>The other, that infinite pathos,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our Nursery Rhymes, if you please.</p> + + <p>He was lost, he avowed, in this era;</p> + + <p class="i2">His spirit was seared by the West,</p> + + <p>But he deemed to be Monk in Madeira</p> + + <p class="i2">Would probably suit him the best.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Impressions of Babehood" in plenty</p> + + <p class="i2">Succeeded, "Hot youth" and its tears,</p> + + <p>Till I wondered if ninety or twenty</p> + + <p class="i2">Summed up his unbearable years.</p> + + <p>Great Heavens! I turned to my neighbour,</p> + + <p class="i2">A SQUARSON by culture unblest;</p> + + <p>And welcomed at length in field-labour</p> + + <p class="i2">And foxes refreshment and rest.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>QUESTION OF THE KNIGHT.—If it be true, as was + mentioned in the <i>World</i> last week, that Mr. Justice + WRIGHT has "climbed down," only to be placed upon a higher + perch, will any change of name follow on the Knighthood? Will + he be known as Sir ROBERT RONG, late Mr. JUSTICE WRIGHT?</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2> + + <p>THE JERRYBAND PIANO is a thundering instrument.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>THE JERRYBAND PIANO should be in every Lunatic Asylum.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>THE JERRYBAND PIANO.—This wonderful and unique + instrument, horizontal and perpendicular Grand, five octaves, + hammerless action, including keyboard, pedals, gong, peal of + bells, ophicleide stop, and all the newest improvements, can be + seen at Messrs. SPLITTE AND SON's Establishment, High Holborn, + and purchased ON THE FIFTY YEARS' HIRE SYSTEM, by which, at a + payment of 1<i>s.</i> 1-1/2<i>d.</i> a week, the piano, or what + is left of it, becomes the property of the purchaser, or his + heirs and executors, at the expiration of that period.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA is a new after-dinner, home-grown Sherry, of quite + extraordinary value and startling excellence.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA is a full, fruity, gout-giving, generous, heady + wine, smooth on the palate, round in the mouth, full of body, + wing, character, and crust.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA may be safely offered at funerals.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA is a beverage for Dukes in distressed + circumstances.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA <i>is the wine, par excellence</i>, for the + retrenching.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA, mixed with citrate of soda, treacle, and + soda-water, and drunk in the dark immediately after a glass of + hot ginger brandy, will be found to possess all the quality of + a low-priced Champagne.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA is the making of an economical wedding + breakfast.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PECADILLA. A few parcels of this unique and delicious Wine + are still to be had of the grower, a Sicilian Count, for the + moment resident in Houndsditch, at the nominal price, inclusive + of the bottles, of five shillings and ninepence the dozen.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>An Explanation.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already + mortgaged. In 1892 you may count upon me."—Mr. JEROME + K. JEROME, <i>not</i> Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING. <i>See "Punch," + Feb. 14</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, Mr. KIPLING!—you whose pungent pen</p> + + <p class="i2">Of pirate publishers has been the + terror,</p> + + <p>Try hard, I beg you, to forgive me, when</p> + + <p class="i2">I openly confess I wrote in error.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was not you by whom the deed was done.</p> + + <p class="i2">But Mr. JEROME 'twas who wrote and said + he</p> + + <p>Could not contribute, since his Ninety-One</p> + + <p class="i2">Was mortgaged to the Editors already.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas rough on you, indeed, in such a way,</p> + + <p class="i2">By thinking you were he, to dim your + glory.</p> + + <p>Yet pray believe I really grieve to say</p> + + <p class="i2">I mixed you up with quite "another + story"!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DRAMATIC ILLUSTRATION OF AN ADVERTISEMENT.—In one of + the advertising columns of the <i>Times</i> the paragraph + appeared one day last week. The newspaper containing it lay on + the table of a drawing-room. Elderly beau was making up (he was + accustomed to making-up in another sense, as his wig and + whiskers could testify) to charming young lady. Such was the + scene. He asked her to accept him. Her reply was to show him + the heading of this advertisement in the + <i>Times</i>:—"YOUTH WANTED." <i>Tableau! Exit</i> Beau. + Curtain.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page106" + id="page106"></a>[pg 106]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/106.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/106.png" + alt="MISS PARLIAMENT'S DREAM OF A FANCY BALL." /></a> + + <h3>MISS PARLIAMENT'S DREAM OF A FANCY BALL.</h3><i>A + Suggestion for Druriolanus at Covent Garden.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" + id="page107"></a>[pg 107]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH TO MISS CANADA.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, Canada, dear Canada, we shall not + discombobulate</p> + + <p>Ourselves concerning JONATHAN. 'Tis true he tried to + rob you late</p> + + <p>(That is if Tariff-diddling may be qualified as + robbery),</p> + + <p>But BULL has learned the wisdom of not kicking up a + bobbery.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No, Canada, we love you dear, and shall be greatly + gratified</p> + + <p>If by your March Elections our relations + are—say ratified.</p> + + <p>We don't expect self-sacrifice, we do not beg for + gratitude,</p> + + <p>But keep an interested eye, my dear, upon your + attitude.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Railings and ravings rantipole we hold are + reprehensible,</p> + + <p>But of our kindly kinship we're affectionately + sensible.</p> + + <p>A mother's proud to see her child learning to "run + alone," you know;</p> + + <p>But does not wish to see her "run away" from home, + she'll own you know.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>MACDONALD is magniloquent, perhaps a bit + thrasonical;</p> + + <p>His dark denunciations—at a + distance—sound ironical.</p> + + <p>And when we read the rows between him and Sir + RICHARD CARTWRIGHT; dear,</p> + + <p>We have our doubts if either chief quite plays the + patriot part right, dear!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But there, we know that party speeches are not + <i>merum nectar</i>, all,</p> + + <p>And we can take the measure of magniloquence + electoral;</p> + + <p>The tipple Party Spirit men will stir and + whiskey-toddy-fy,</p> + + <p>But when they have to drink it—cold—its + strength they greatly modify.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Beware the Ides of March? Oh, no! All auguries we + defy, my dear!</p> + + <p>The spectre of disloyalty don't scare us; all my + eye, my dear.</p> + + <p>So vote away, dear Canada! our faith's in friendly + freedom, dear;</p> + + <p>And croakers, Yank, or Canuck, or home-born, we + shall not heed 'em, dear!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/107-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/107-2.png" + alt="A SENSITIVE EAR." /></a> + + <h3>A SENSITIVE EAR.</h3> + + <p><i>Intelligent Briton</i>. "BUT WE HAVE NO THEATRE, NO + ACTORS WORTHY OF THE NAME, MADEMOISELLE! WHY, THE ENGLISH + DELIVERY OF BLANK VERSE IS SIMPLY TORTURE TO AN EAR + ACCUSTOMED TO HEAR IT GIVEN ITS FULL BEAUTY AND + SIGNIFICANCE BY A BERNHARDT OR A COQUELIN!"</p> + + <p><i>Mademoiselle</i>. "INDEED? I HAVE NEVER HEARD + BERNHARDT OR COQUELIN RECITE ENGLISH BLANK VERSE!"</p> + + <p><i>Intelligent Briton</i>. "OF COURSE NOT. I MEAN + <i>FRENCH</i> BLANK VERSE—THE BLANK VERSE OF + CORNEILLE, RACINE, MOLIÈRE!"</p> + + <p><i>Mademoiselle</i>. "OH, MONSIEUR, THERE IS NO SUCH + THING!"</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>Briton still tries to look + intelligent.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday Night, February + 16</i>.—After long tarrying, House once more justified + its old character. Been dolefully dull these weeks and months + past. Thought it was dead; only been sleeping. To-night woke + up, and audience that filled every Bench, blocked the Gangways, + and thronged the Bar, had rare treat. Occasion was the + indictment of Prince ARTHUR; long pending; was to have come off + at beginning of Session; put off on account of counter + attractions in Committee-Room No. 15; postponement no longer + possible; and here we are, House throbbing with excitement, OLD + MORALITY nervously clacking about Treasury Bench, bringing his + chicks together under his wing. RANDOLPH brought his young + beard down to witness performance.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/107-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/107-1.png" + alt="A Buffer Q.C." /></a>A Buffer Q.C. + </div> + + <p>Initial difficulty in Irish Camp; Brer FOX sitting in old + place, two steps down third bench below Gangway. Brer RABBIT, + sunk in profound meditation, oblivious to the rival Leader's + presence, occupies corner seat; room for one between them. Who + shall take it? Anxious time for TIM HEALY. Nothing he dreads so + much as possibility of outbreak. In Committee-Room No. 15, Brer + FOX snatched out of Brer RABBIT's hand a sheet of paper. + Suppose now, in sudden paroxysm, he were to reach forth and + taking Brer RABBIT by the beard bang his head against the back + of the Bench? TIM's gentle nature shivered with apprehension; + thing to do was to get a good plump gentleman set between the + two, so that in case hostilities broke out his body might be + used as buffer. Thought of ELTON first. Besides a professional + desire to find occupation for Members of the Bar, ELTON's + figure seemed made on purpose for the peaceful errand TIM had + in mind. Broached subject. ELTON said, always happy to oblige; + but was, in fact, just now retiring from Parliamentary life; + didn't care to be brought into undue prominence. Besides, he + belonged to other side of House; Why not try T.B. POTTER?</p> + + <p>"The very man!" cried TIM, "I believe you and he scale the + same to a pound, and though your waist is more shapely, he has + the advantage in shoulders."</p> + + <p>POTTER most obliging of men; offered no objection. So TIM + conducted him to the seat; he dropped gently, but firmly in it; + Brer RABBIT putting on his spectacles, and looking across the + expanse of T.B.'s shoulders, thought he recognised Brer FOX at + the other side. Anyhow, he was beyond speaking distance, and so + embarrassment was obviated.</p> + + <p>TIM, his mind thus at rest, able to devote his attention to + debate, to progress of which, he contributed a few + interjections. Finally, when Division taken on JOHN MORLEY's + Motion, and everybody ready to go home, he moved and carried + Adjournment of Debate.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Prince ARTHUR indicted for + breach of Constitutional Law in Ireland. Jury retired to + consider their verdict. Agreed upon acquittal by 320 Votes + against 245.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—A once familiar presence pervades + House to-night. Everyone more, or less vaguely, conscious of + it. Even without chancing to look up to Peers' Gallery, Members + are inspired with sudden mysterious access of Moral Influence. + OLD MORALITY himself, that overflowing reservoir of moral + axioms, takes on an aggravated air of responsibility and + respectability. Has had a great triumph which would inflate a + man of less modest character. Last night, or rather early this + morning, Irish Members appeared to force Government hand; just + when it seemed that RUSSELL's Amendment was about to be + substituted for MORLEY's Resolution, TIM HEALY interposed, + moved Adjournment of Debate; OLD MORALITY protested; SEXTON + slily threatened all-night sitting; after an hour's + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page108" + id="page108"></a>[pg 108]</span> struggle, Government + capitulated; Adjournment agreed to; Irish Members went off + jubilant.</p> + + <p>To-night SEXTON asks OLD MORALITY when they shall resume + debate?</p> + + <p>"Ah," says OLD MORALITY, with look of friendly interest, as + if the idea had struck him for the first time, "yes; just so. + The Hon. Member wants to know when we shall resume the debate, + the adjournment of which he and his friends were instrumental + in carrying at an early hour this morning. Well, I must say, on + the part of Her Majesty's Government, that we are perfectly + satisfied with matters as they were left. We had a lively + debate, a majority much larger than we had dared to hope for, + and, as far as we are concerned, I think we'll leave matters + alone. As one of our great prose-writers observed, it is, on + the whole, more conducive to comfort to endure any + inconveniences that may press upon one at the current moment, + than to hasten to encounter others with the precise nature of + which we do not happen to be acquainted."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/108-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/108-1.png" + alt="Under-Secretary." /></a>Under-Secretary. + </div> + + <p>GRAND CROSS missed this delightful little episode, not + coming in till questions were over. Now he sat in Peers' + Gallery and gazed through spectacles on scene of earlier + triumphs. Looks hardly a day older than when he left us; the + same perky manner, the same wooden visage, with its pervading + air of supreme self-satisfaction and inscrutable wisdom. It is + a night given up to Indian topics. PLOWDEN, in his quiet, + effective way, has just carried Motion which will have + substantial effect in the direction of securing fuller debate + of Indian questions. GORST, standing at table replying to + BUCHANAN on another Indian topic, alludes with deferential tone + to "the SECRETARY OF STATE." GRAND CROSS almost audibly purrs + from his perch in the Gallery.</p> + + <p>"An odd world, my masters," says the Member for SARK, + striding out impatiently, "when you have a man like GORST + Under-Secretary, with a man like GRAND CROSS at the Head of the + Department."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—An hour or two given to + India.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Army Estimates on to-night. HANBURY + comes to the front, as usual. STANHOPE tossing about on + Treasury Bench, in considerable irritation.</p> + + <p>"What's the use, my ST. JOHN," he asked BRODRICK, the only + man standing by him, "of a family arrangement like ours, if one + is subjected to annoyance like this? With one brother in the + Peers, a pillar of staid Conservatism; with myself on the + Treasury Bench, a Cabinet Minister, a right-hand man of the + Government: and then, final touch, old PHILIP EGALITÉ below the + Gangway opposite, with his Radicalism, and his tendency to + out-JACOBY LABOUCHERE. This is a broad-based family + combination, that ought to make us, each in his way, + irresistible. And yet there seems nothing to prevent a fellow + like HANBURY looking down from his six feet two scornfully on a + British soldier not more than five feet four in his + stocking-feet, whilst he inflates his chest, and asks, in + profound bass notes, how are the ancient glories of the British + Army to be maintained with men who cannot stretch the tape at + thirty-six inches?"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/108-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/108-2.png" + alt="'Amazed at his own Moderation.'" /></a>"Amazed at + his own Moderation." + </div> + + <p>When HANBURY sat down, after pounding away in ponderous + style for nearly an hour, STANHOPE got up and prodded him + reproachfully. Wonderful how much vinegar and vitriol he + managed to distil into his oft-repeated phrase, "My honourable + friend!" As for HANBURY, he sat with hands in pocket, staring + at empty benches opposite, amazed at his own moderation.</p> + + <p>Hours of the usual kind of talk on Army Estimates; the + Colonels, Volunteer and otherwise, showing that the Army is as + GILL (who has recently spent some time in Boulogne) says, <i>en + route pour les chiens</i>; the SECRETARY of State for WAR + demonstrating that everything is in apple-pie order, and his + right honourable predecessor on the Front Opposition Bench + bearing testimony to the general state of efficiency.</p> + + <p>WOLMER flashed through the haze a word that has long wanted + saying in the House. Why, he asked, place sentries surrounding + St. James's Palace, the War Office, and the Horse Guards? Why, + if presence of armed men at these particular gateways is + essential to proper conduct of affairs of Department—why + should Charity Commissioners and Education Office be left + unguarded? WOLMER should keep pegging away at this question + till he gets common-sense answer.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Army Estimates moved.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Gallant little Wales took the floor + to-night. Wants the Church Disestablished; PRITCHARD MORGAN, in + speech of prodigious length, asked House to sanction the + proposal. The Government, determined to oppose Motion, cast + about for Member of their body who could best lead opposition. + Hadn't a Welshman on the Treasury Bench.</p> + + <p>"There's RAIKES, you know," AKERS-DOUGLAS said, discussing + the matter with OLD MORALITY. "He's not exactly a Welshman, + but, when he's at home, he lives in Denbighshire, which is as + near being Wales as you can get. Besides, his postal address is + Llwynegrin."</p> + + <p>"Ah!" said OLD MORALITY, "that looks well. He's not the + rose, but he lives in convenient contiguity to the flower."</p> + + <p>So RAIKES was put up, and a nice, peaceful, soothing, + insinuating, conciliatory speech he made. In fact, as the + Member for SARK says, "He got gallant little Wales down on its + back, tied its horns and heels together, partially flayed it, + and then rubbed in cunningly contrived combination of Cayenne + pepper and vinegar."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Welsh Disestablishment Motion + negatived by 235 Votes to 203.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Celt Again.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>GRANT-ALLEN,—his manner moves cynics to + mirth!—</p> + + <p>Makes out that the Celt is the Salt of the + Earth.</p> + + <p>That accounts, it may be, for his dominant + fault;</p> + + <p>A "salt of the earth" <i>has</i> a taste for + assault!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUT OF SCHOOL!</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—You are so awfully good to chaps at + school that I am sure you will insert this letter. SMITH MINOR, + who takes in the <i>Times</i>, says, that a "PARENT" has been + writing to say, that there should be a meeting of Fathers to + swagger over the meeting of Head Masters. Well, this wouldn't + be half a bad idea if it were properly conducted; but the + "PARENT" seems to be a beast of a governor, who wants to cut + down the holidays, and such like rot. And this brings me to + what I want to propose myself. If there are to be meetings of + Head Masters and Parents, why not a meeting of Boys? We have a + heap of grievances. For instance, lots of chaps would like to + know why "the water" was stopped at Westminster, and something + about the domestic economy of Harrow. Then the great and + burning question of grub is always ready to hand. The "PARENT" + wants to have a hand in the payment for school-books, seeing + his way to getting the discount (stingy chap!) then why + shouldn't we fellows have a voice choosing them? Then about + taking up Greek, why shouldn't we have our say in <i>that</i> + matter? After all, it interests us more than anyone else, as we + are the fellows that will have to learn it, if it is to be + retained. Then about corporal punishment. Not that we mind it + much, still <i>we</i> are the fellows who get swished at Eton, + and feel the tolly at Beaumont. Surely the Boys know more about + a licking than Head Masters and Parents? You, as a practical + man, will say, "Who should attend the Congress?" I reply, every + public school might send a delegate; and by public school, I do + not limit the term to the old legitimate "E. and the two W.'s," + Eton, Winchester and Westminster. No; I would throw it open to + such respectable educational establishments as Harrow, Rugby, + Charterhouse, St. Paul's, Marlborough, Felsted, Cheltenham, + Stonyhurst, and the rest of them. The more the merrier, say I; + and if there was a decided division of opinion on any subject, + we could settle the matter off-hand at once, by taking off our + jackets and turning up our shirt-sleeves. The more I think of + it, the more I like it! It <i>would</i> be a game!</p> + + <p class="author">Always your affectionate friend, + (<i>Signed</i>) JONES MINIMUS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Same Old Game.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Russia is said to be threatening the old Finnish laws + and liberties.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Russia snubs him who, as a candid friend,</p> + + <p class="i2">Horrors Siberian, Hebrew would + diminish.</p> + + <p><i>Must</i> Muscovites prove tyrants to the end?</p> + + <p class="i2">At least they aim to prove so to the + <i>Finnish</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, VOL. +100. Feb. 28, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13098-h.htm or 13098-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/0/9/13098/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, VOL. 100. Feb. 28, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 3, 2004 [EBook #13098] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +February 28, 1891. + + + + +SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM. + +NO. II.--THE LITERARY "GHOST." + +[Illustration] + +We will assume, simply for the purposes of this argument, that you, +reader, are an innocent-minded elderly lady, and a regular subscriber +to the Local Circulating Library. You are sitting by your comfortable +fireside, knitting a "cross-over" for a Bazaar, when your little maid +announces a gentleman, who says he has not a card-case with him, but +requests that you will see him. + +"You are sure he _is_ a gentleman, MARY ANN?" you will inquire, with a +slight uneasiness as to the umbrellas in the hall. + +"Oh, a puffict gentleman, Mam," says MARY ANN--"with a respirator." + +Upon this testimony to his social standing, you direct that the +perfect gentleman shall be shown in. + +MARY ANN has not deceived you--he has a respirator, also blue +spectacles, and a red nose. He apologises with fluent humility for +intruding upon you without the honour of a previous acquaintance, and +takes a chair, after which he shifts his respirator to his chin, sheds +a pair of immense woollen gloves into his hat, and produces a bundle +of papers, over which he intreats you to cast an eye. On perusing +them, they prove to be letters from various eminent authors, whose +names are, more or less, familiar to you. These documents are more +interesting as autographs than from any intrinsic literary merit, for +they all refer to remittances for various amounts, and regret politely +that the writer is not in a position to obtain permanent employment +for his correspondent. While you are reading them, your visitor pays +assiduous court to your cat--which impresses you favourably. + +"Possibly, Madam," he suggests, "you may be personally acquainted +with some of those gentlemen?" When you confess that you have not that +honour, he seems more at his ease. + +"I asked," he says, "because I have long heard of you as a Lady of +great taste and judgment in literary matters--which, after seeing you, +I can the more readily understand." + +It is a fact that several of your nieces and female neighbours are in +the habit of declaring that they would rather take your opinion on a +novel than that of all the critics; still, you had not expected your +fame to have spread so wide. + +"I had another motive," he confesses, "because, if you were intimate +with any of these authors, I should naturally 'esitate to say anything +which might have the effect of altering your opinion of them. As +it is, I can speak with perfect freedom--though in the strictest +confidence. You see before you, Madam, an unfortunate bean, whom +circumstances have 'itherto debarred from ever reaping the fruit of +his own brine! Well may you remark, 'Your Gracious Goodness'"--(_your +natural astonishment having escaped you in the shape of this +invocation_)--"for in your goodness and in your graciousness rests my +sole remaining 'ope. I was endowed from an early age with a fertile +and versatile imagination, and creative powers which, without vanity, +I may say, were of a rather superior class. The one thing I lacked was +inflooence, and in the world of letters, Madam, as I am sure you +do not need to be informed, without inflooence Genius is denied a +suitable opening. At several literary Clubs in the West End I made +the acquaintance of the authors whose letters you have just had the +opportunity of reading--men who have since attained to the topmost +pinnacle of Fame. At that time they were comparatively obscure; they +'eard my conversation, they realised that I 'ad ideers, of which they +knew the value better, perhaps, than I did myself. I used to see them +taking down notes on their shirt-cuffs, and that, but I took no notice +of it at the time. Probably you have read the celebrated work of +fiction by Mr. GASHLEIGH WALKER, entitled, _King Cole's Cellars_? I +thought so. I gave him the plot, scenery and characters complete, for +that story. I did, indeed." + +"And do you mean to say he has taken all the credit himself!" you +exclaim, very properly shocked. + +"If he has," he replies, meekly, "I am far from complaining--a +shilling or two was an object to me at that time. And it got me +more work of the sort. There's _Booty Bay_, now, the book that made +ROBERTSON--_that_ was took down, word for word, from my dictation, +in a back parlour of one of LOCKHART's Cocoa-Rooms. I got fifteen +shillings for that. _He_ got, I daresay, 'undreds of pounds. Well, _I_ +don't grudge it to him. As he said, I ought to remember he had all the +_manual_ labour of it. Then there's that other book which has sold +its thousands, _Four Men in a Funny_--that was mine--all but the last +chapter; he _would_ put in that, and, in _my_ opinion, spoilt it, from +an artistic point. But what could I do? It was out of _my_ 'ands! I +must say I never anticipated myself that it would be so popular. 'I +should be robbing you,' I said, 'if I took more than ten shillings for +it.' All the same, it turned out a good bargain for him. Then there's +the Drama, you would hardly credit it that I could name three leading +theatres at this present moment where pieces are running which came +originally out of _my_ 'ed! But it's no use my saying so--no one would +believe it. And now I've 'elped all these men up the ladder, they can +do without me--they can go alone--or think they can. See the way they +write--not a word about owing anything to my 'umble services, a postal +order for three-and-six; but that's the world all over!" + +"But surely," you will sympathetically observe, "you will expose them, +you will insist on sharing in the reward of your labours--it is a duty +you owe to the public, as well as yourself!" + +[Illustration: "Slow rises worth by poverty depressed."] + +"So I've been told, Madam. But what can I do?--I'm a poor man. 'Slow +rises worth, by poverty depressed,' as POPE, or GOLDSMITH--for a +similar idea occurs in both--truly observes. To put my case before the +public as it _ought_ to be put, I should first have to gain the ear of +the Press--and you want a golden key to do that, nowadays. The Press +is very reluctant to run down successful writers. 'Hawks won't pick +out Awkses heyes,' as BURNS remarks. (_By this time you are probably +fumbling for your purse, which, as usual, is at the bottom of +your work-basket._) No, they will find me out some day--after I'm +dead and gone, most likely! In the meantime I envy nobody. I have +the consciousness of Genius, and--I'm sure your generosity is +overwhelming, Madam--I really never ventured to--Pardon these +tears; it is the first time my poor talents have ever obtained such +recognition as this! Could you crown your favours by giving me the +names and addresses of any charitable friends and neighbours whom +you think at all likely to follow your noble example?... I thank you +from my heart, Madam, and, when I succeed in recovering my literary +in'eritance, and am called upon to issue a collected edition of my +works, I shall take the liberty of inscribing on the title-page a +dedication to the generous benefactress who first 'elped to restore my +fallen fortunes!" + +With this he seals his lips again with the respirator, pockets his +documents and your donation, and bows himself gratefully out, leaving +you to meditate on the unscrupulousness of popular Authors, and the +ease with which a confiding public is hoodwinked. + + * * * * * + +M.P. MANFIELD, M.P. + + Northampton's new Member an honour can claim + On which he need set little store: + He now has M.P. written after his name, + But he always had M.P. before. + + If every M.P. in the lobby counts one, + To the _Ayes_, or the _Noes_, walking through, + Does logic demand, in each case, _pro_ and _con._, + M.P. MANFIELD, M.P., should count two? + + * * * * * + +CHANCE FOR SPINSTERS OF AN UNCERTAIN AGE.--There is to be a Mahommedan +Mission in England. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE WATER BABIES AND THE ROYAL GODMOTHER."] + + * * * * * + +BRAVO, BAGSHAWE! + + A lady of Bedford, despotic and rash, + Tried to force her poor groom to shave off his moustache. + Judge BAGSHAWE the wise, made her pay for her prank. + This makes one inclined to sing, "_I know a Bank_," + Where BAGSHAWE might bring common-sense, for a change; + They're worse than the Lady of Goldington Grange, + These Banking Bashaws with three tails, who must clip + Nature's health-giving gift from a clerk's chin or lip. + Bah! What _are_ they fit for, these stupid old rules? + To be shaped by rich tyrants, obeyed by poor fools! + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +ENGLISH HISTORY.--I have been reading several books on this subject, +and am rather puzzled. Are the English people, _as existing now_, +Teutons, or Danes, or Celts, or what? Can we be Teutons when the +aborigines of these islands were not Teutonic? I feel that my own +genius--and I have a lot--is Celtic; at the same time I have always +prided myself on my Norman blood; yet from my liking for the sea, +which never makes me sick, at least at Herne Bay, I fancy I must +be descended from a Scandinavian Viking. What is the ethnological +name given to a person who is an amalgamation of such heterogeneous +elements?--INQUIRER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOUCHING CONFIDENCE IN THE FOG. + +_Gentleman of Engaging Manners._ "BLESS YOUR 'EART, YOU'LL BE HALL +RIGHT ALONG O' ME, MUM! LET ME KERRY THE LITTLE BAG FOR YOU, MUM!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BRUM AND THE OOLOGIST. + + [Mr. W. JAMES asked the LORD ADVOCATE whether his attention + had been called to a circular, issued from Birmingham by the + Naturalists' Publishing Company, inviting applications for + shares in "An Oological Expedition to the land of the Great + Auk," meaning the Shetland Isles, and stating that, "if + the season is a pretty fair one, a haul of at least twenty + thousand eggs" of rare sea-birds might be expected.--_Daily + Paper_.] + + The "Brum" and the Oologist + Were walking hand in hand; + They grinned to see so many birds + On cliff, and rock, and sand. + "If we could only get their eggs," + Said they, "it would be grand." + + "If we should start a Company + To gather eggs all day, + Do you suppose," the former said, + "That we could make it pay?" + "We might," said the Oologist, + "On the promoting lay!" + + "Then you've a tongue, and I a ship, + Likewise some roomy kegs; + And you might lead the birds a dance + Upon their ugly legs; + And, when you've got them out of sight, + I'll steal their blooming eggs." + + "Oh, Sea-birds," said the Midland man, + "Let's take a pleasant walk! + Perhaps among you we may find + The Great--or lesser--Auk; + And you might possibly enjoy + A scientific talk." + + The skuas and the cormorants, + And all the puffin clan, + The stormy petrels, gulls, and terns, + They hopped, and skipped, and ran + With very injudicious speed + To join that oily man. + + "The time has come," remarked the Brum, + "For 'talking without tears' + Of birds unhappily extinct, + Yet known in former years; + And how much cash an egg will fetch + In Naturalistic spheres." + + "But not _our_ eggs!" replied the birds, + Feeling a little hot. + "You surely would not rob our nests + After this pleasant trot?" + The Midland man said nothing but,-- + "I guess he's cleared the lot!" + + "Well!" said that bland Oologist, + "We've had a lot of fun. + Next year, perhaps, these Shetland birds + We'll visit--with a gun; + When--as we've taken all their eggs-- + There'll probably be none!" + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +DIVORCE FACILITIES.--I should like to be informed in what part of +the United States it is that a Divorce is granted in half-an-hour, at +a merely nominal fee, on the ground of conscientious objections to +monogamy? What is the cost of getting there, and would it be necessary +that my wife should go there too? There might be a difficulty in +persuading her to take the journey. + +INCOMPATIBILITY. + + * * * * * + +A CANADIAN CALENDAR. + +(_TO BE HOPED NOT PROPHETIC._) + +1892. Reciprocity firmly established between the Dominion and the +U.S.A. + +1893. Emigration ceases between the Dominion and the Mother Country, +and trade dies out. + +1894. Return from Canada of families of the best blood to England and +France. + +1895. Great increase of the Savage Indian Tribes in the country, and +the Improvident Irish Population in the towns of the Dominion. + +1896. Practical suspension of trade between the Dominion and the +U.S.A., the latter having now attained the desired object of shutting +out goods of British manufacture from the American market. + +1897. England refuses to assist Canada in resenting Yankee +encroachment in the seal fisheries. + +1898. Canada asks to be annexed to the U.S.A. + +1899. After some hesitation Uncle SAM consents to absorb the Dominion. + +1900. Canada becomes a tenth-rate Yankee State. + + * * * * * + +THE DICTUM OF DIOGENES. + + "One Man, One Vote!" A very proper plan + If you with each One Vote can find--One _Man_! + + * * * * * + +MRS. GRUNDY TO MR. GOSCHEN. + + The Three per Cents, the Three per Cents, + Serene but mortal Three, + In view of recent sad events, + Oh! give them back to me. + Oh! GOSCHEN, Sir, kind gentleman, + Hear my polite laments; + Restore this trio, if you can-- + Those musical Per Cents. + + My income once was safe, if small; + It's larger, but unpaid, + Despite "the quite phenomenal + Development of Trade." + The "Bogus Man" is on the track, + And queer "Financial Gents" + Have promised me in white and black + Their Six and Ten per Cents. + + The Three per Cents were regular, + Respectable, and good. + Their health was such that "under par" + They very seldom stood; + They needed no "conversion" rash, + Like Darker Continents; + A sort of Sunday turned to cash + They were, my Three per Cents. + + A distant river somewhere rolls, + The wicked River Plate; + Upon its _banks_ there flourish souls + Perverse and reprobate. + Ah, send your missionaries _there_! + If haply it repents, + I'll not surrender Eaton Square + For Surrey's wild or Kent's. + + Not I alone; the best that breathe, + Archbishop, Duke, and Lord, + Your bust with chaplets rare will wreathe, + This boon if you'll accord. + How can we by example shame + The mob who mock at rents, + If we are left to do the same + Without our Three per Cents? + + Reft of a carriage, life is poor: + A well-conducted set + Needs ready money to procure + Their butler and _Debrett_. + The country totters to its fall, + Disgraced to all intents, + Unless you instantly recall + Our solid Three per Cents. + + * * * * * + +THE FLOWERLESS FUNERAL. + +(_BY A FLOWER MERCHANT._) + + Funeral Reform? Oh! just a fad,-- + Its advocates, in fact, as bad + As those who want Cremation. + A set of foolish, fussy fools + Whose misplaced ardour nothing cools-- + A nuisance to the nation! + + Economy, they're all agreed, + Should be with them a cult and creed, + Simplicity a passion. + They'd quickly wreck this trade of ours, + Since they would scorn the use of flowers, + If they could set the fashion! + + Yes; parsons agitate, but these + Good gentlemen all take their fees-- + We thank them much for giving + Such good advice upon this head, + But recollect that from the dead + We've got to get our living! + + * * * * * + +CHORUS OF THE OBJECTORS TO THE PROPOSED LORD'S TUNNEL +RAILWAY.--"WATKIN the matter be!" + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XIV.--LE PETROLIUM; OU, LES SALOPERIES PARISIENNES. + +(_Par Zorgon-Gola, Auteur de "Toujours Poivre," "Charbon et Crasse," +"La Fange," "499 Pages d'Amour," "Le Pourvoyeur Universel," "Une +Reveuse qui vise l'Academie_.") + +I.--LA FAMILLE. + +Si vous voulez voir les _Slums_ Parisiens et comprendre le +Peuple--avec la majuscule--vous devez visiter les Saloperies, faubourg +au dela de Belleville et de Menilmontant, faubourg ou les femmes +sortent le matin en cheveux--ca ne veut pas dire comme Lady GODIVA, +mais simplement sans chapeau--acheter de la charcuterie; et ou vers +minuit dans des bouges infects les hommes se coupent le gavion, en +bons zigs, apres une soiree de rigolade. C'est ici qu'on trouve des +admirables exemplaires de cette nombreuse famille EGOU-OGWASH, qui, +datant de PHARAMOND, peuple Paris et joue tous les roles dans la +comedie humaine. Ce n'est pas une famille tout a fait vieille roche, +voyez-vous: au contraire, ca commence dans la boue de Provence et +finit dans les egouts de Paris; mais elle est distinguee, tout de +meme. Elle a son epilepsie hereditaire, belle et forte epilepsie qu'on +trouvera partout dans cette vingtaine de romans que je suis resolu +d'ecrire au sujet des EGOU-OGWASH. C'est une epilepsie genealogique. +Il y en a pour toute la famille. + +II.--LES POPPOT. + +JANE POPPOT se promenait sur le Boulevard des Saloperies par une belle +matinee d'aout. En cheveux, panier sur le bras, elle allait acheter +de la charcuterie pour le dejeuner de son mari, oui, son mari pour de +bon, chose unique dans la famille OGWASH, un vrai mariage a la Mairie +et a l'eglise. Cette petite blonde, JANE, a ses idees a elle de se +ranger, de vivre en honnete femme avec son respectable JEAN POPPOT +qui l'adore, au point de lui pardonner tout le volume premier de son +histoire. + +[Illustration] + +Il n'y a pas dans tout Paris menage plus gentil que le petit +appartement au septieme des POPPOT dans une cite ouvriere de ce +Betnal Grin Parisien. Tout va bien avec ces braves gens. Lui, c'est le +Steeple-Jack de Paris, ou il fait les reparations de tous les toits. +Elle, blanchisseuse de fin, a developpe un secret dans la facon +d'empeser les plastrons de chemises. Elle fait des plastrons +monumentaux, luisants, dur comme l'albatre. Elle a des clients dans +le beau monde et a l'etranger, jusqu'au Prince de BALEINES, qui lui +confie ses chemises de grande toilette, celles qu'il porte au diner +du Lor Maire, par exemple. + +JANE achete sa charcuterie, et apres elle s'arrete au coin de la rue +pour regarder Paris. C'etait un tic qu'elle avait, de regarder Paris. +Cela tenait de la famille OGWASH. Instinct de race. + +Paris, vu du hauteur des Saloperies, semble une grande marmite pleine +de boue et de sang, ou les gens grouillent, se tordent, s'empiffrent, +se devorent, et _squirment_ dans leur propre graisse, comme de la +blanchaille sautant dans l'huile bouillante. Un nuage de _sewer-gaz_ +monte jusqu'a JANE stationnee sur la hauteur de Belleville; et dans +cette brume puante elle sent l'odeur de femmes et de l'ognon, le +cognac, le meurtre, le fricot, le mont de piete, les omnibus, les +croquemorts, les gargotes, les bals a l'entree libre pour dames, tout +ce qu'il y a de funeste et de choquant dans cette ville infecte. + +JANE s'amuse a flairer toutes ces horreurs pendant que le pauvre +POPPOT danse devant le buffet en attendant l'arlequin ou le demi kilo +de charcuterie assortie dans le panier de sa femme. + +III.--DEGRINGOLADE. + +Elle a degringole. Cela a commence tout doucement en trainant ses +savates. Quand une femme degringole elle traine ses savates. C'est une +loi universelle. L'on ne degringole pas sans trainer ses savates; l'on +ne traine pas ses savates sans degringoler. Ainsi gare aux souliers +ecules. O, mais elle est changee, cette pauvre p'tite blonde! La +maladie hereditaire des EGOU-OGWASH vient d'etre indiquee. POPPOT, ce +brave POPPOT, lui aussi il degringole, il resemble a un reverbere sur +le boulevard dont on oublie d'eteindre le gaz. Il est allume du matin +au soir. + +Ca a commence si gentiment apres que ce bon Steeple-Jack etait tombe +du faite de Notre Dame, ou il faisait des reparations. Le pauvre homme +a fait cette chute en regardant JANE, qui dansait le cancan sur la +Place du Parvis pour choquer ces cretins de _Cook-tourists_, et pour +distraire son mari. C'etait pendant la convalescence de POPPOT que +la degringolade a commence. JANE lui donna un de a coudre de vilain +cognac, et de ce premier doigt de casse-poitrine a l'ivrognerie +brutale n'etait qu'une glissade, presque aussi rapide que la glissade +de Notre Dame. POPPOT trainait ses savates; il chomait; il rigolait; +il gardait le Saint Lundi; il passait des journees devant le buffet +du Petrolium, ce grand cabaret du peuple ou l'on voyait distiller le +trois-six pour tout le quartier. + +JANE faisait pire que degringoler; elle cascadait. Elle ne se +debarbouillait plus. Elle avait pris en horreur le savon. Est-ce +une aversion hereditaire, datant de la premiere femme qui a senti +la puanteur de cet abominable savon francais, avant la bienfaisante +invention de M. POIRES? Sans doute c'etait l'atavisme en quelque +forme. Elle avait son beguin. C'etait le linge sale. Plus il etait +sale, plus elle en raffolait. Elle ne voulait plus les chemises +en batiste fine du Prince de BALEINES. Elle priait les aristos +du Jockey Club de donner leurs plastrons a d'autres. Les clients +qu'elle preferait etaient les porte-faix, les forts de la halle, les +chauffeurs du chemin de fer. C'etait en allant chercher le linge de +ces derniers qu'elle entrait sans le savoir dans le Dedale de cette +voie ferree qui enlace et ecrase les etres vivants comme les grandes +roues des locomotives ecrasent la poussiere de la voie. + +Le President du P.L.M. lui aussi avait son beguin hereditaire. Il +courait les femmes malpropres. Plus elles ne se debarbouillaient +pas, plus il les courait. C'etait innocent. Il les admirait du cote +esthetique. Cela tenait de la famille, puis de ce que lui aussi etait +de la vieille souche des EGOU-OGWASH. Il s'allumait en lorgnant la +figure noircie de cette pauvre JANE, et la rencontrant dans la gare un +jour il se permit un pen de _flirtage_ sans penser a mal. Mais par une +fatalite, POPPOT, affreusement paf, descendait d'une quatrieme classe +au moment ou le vieux baisait la main crasseuse de JANE, en lui disant +son gentil bon soir: et des cet instant POPPOT voyait rouge. + +IV.--SURINADE. + +IL voyait rouge. Paris lui semblait un abattoir. Il couvait le +meurtre, et pour l'aider il avait un complice qui etait du metier, +JACQUES RISPERE, conducteur de machines sur le P.L.M., qui avait aussi +sa manie hereditaire, et sa manie a lui etait de couper les gorges. +Il les coupait sans rancune, a l'improviste, en souriant a sa victime, +les yeux dans les yeux. Cric! c'etait fait. Par exemple il est +descendu un jour de la locomotive et devant le buffet d'une station +ou il n'y avait pas trop de monde il a surine la _barmaid_ qui lui +souriait en lui vendant une brioche. Il a egorge son chauffeur au +risque d'arreter le train de luxe entre Avignon et Marseilles. On ne +le punit pas. Cela tenait de la famille. + +"Touche la, mon drole! C'est convenu," dit JACQUES RISPERE, apres +un entretien de quelques heures devant le buffet du Petrolium. "Moi, +j'arrangerai tout cela avec les fonctionnaires. Le train arrivant de +Geneve doit passer le Rapide entre Macon et Dijon. Il ne passera pas. +Je retarderai le train omnibus arrivant de Marseilles. J'accelererai +le _train-luggage_ arrivant de Paris. Il y aura une melee de quatre +trains, entrechoques, tordus, enlaces, faisant le _pique-a-baque_: +et pendant cette melee j'egorgerai ce vieux mufe de President. C'est +simple." + +"Comme bon jour," repondit POPPOT, aveuglement soul. + +RISPERE tenait parole. A onze heures du soir il y avait une de +ces catastrophes qui font fremir l'Europe voyageuse. L'assassin ne +s'arretait pas a la gorge du President. Le vieil aristo n'avait pas +assez de sang pour assouvir la soif meurtriere de l'epileptique. +RISPERE egorgea tout le monde, a tort et a travers, une veritable +tuerie. On le prit les mains rouges, la bouche blanche d'ecume. +C'etait la vraie epilepsie d'ESQUIROL. + +Quant a POPPOT personne n'a soupconne sa complicite dans ce crime +gigantesque. Lui et JANE se soulent paisiblement du matin an soir +devant le buffet du Petrolium, en amis. Ils deviennent tous les jours +plus pauvres, plus paresseux, et plus poivres. Ainsi c'est facile de +prevoir leur fin:-- + +L'hopital, trente pages de delire alcooelique, et la fosse commune. + +_Note de l'Auteur_.--C'est mon intention irrevocable de finir ma +vingtaine de romans sur la famille OGWASH, et je compte avec plasir +offrir les dix-neuf a suivre a mon ami estime, _Ponche_. + + * * * * * + +LISTENING TO THE GENTLE KOOEN. + +_Maid Marian_ is "a Comic Opera in Three Acts," at least so I gather +from the title-page of the book and from the programme of the Prince +of Wales's Theatre; though where the comicality comes in, except +occasionally with Mr. MONKHOUSE, it would require _Sam Weller's_ "pair +o' patent double million magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra power" +to detect. Mr. LE HAY, too, has nothing like the opportunity which was +given him in _Prince Bulbo_. Now, when in a so-called Comic Opera your +two principal low comedians have very little to do, say, or sing, and +when that little is not of a particularly side-splitting character, +and when the plot is not replete with comic situations, such a work +must depend for its success on the freshness of its melodies, on +the popularity of its _artistes_, and on the excellence of its +_mise-en-scene_. + +[Illustration: Libretto by Smith. As he appears in Act III., +"hammering at it."] + +As to the last of these essentials, if, perhaps, it is not so +brilliantly placed on the stage as some other shows have been, yet +there is plenty of Harrisian movement, due always to the devices in +stage-management of CHARLES of that ilk, who certainly knows how to +keep the Chorus moving and the game alive generally. + +The yet existing admirers of the once enormously popular composer, +OFFENBACH, among whom I certainly include myself, will be much +gratified by the delicately introduced reminiscences of the work of +that master of _opera bouffe_ which occasionally crop up during the +performance of _Maid Marian_. If it be permissible for great Masters +to repeat themselves, as notably more than one has done, may not +little Masters exhibit the results of their profound studies in the +schools of popular Composers? Surely they may; and was I not pleased +with Mr. DE KOOEN (whose name seems to suggest "the voice of the +turtle,"--the dove, not the soup) when his prelude to the Third Act +distinctly recalled to my attentive mind the celebrated unison effect +in _L'Africaine_, only without the marvellous jump, which, when first +heard, thrilled the audience, and compelled an enthusiastic encore? +Then Miss VIOLET CAMERON sang a song about the bells, with a chorus +not in the least like that in _Les Cloches de Corneville_ you +understand, because the latter, I think, is performed without the +bells sounding, but in this there is a musical peal which intensifies +the distinction between the two. This "number" was encored heartily, +nay, I think it was demanded three times, and came just at the right +moment to freshen up the entertainment. In the previous Act Miss +ATTALIE CLAIRE had had a good song which had also obtained an encore, +thoroughly well deserved as far as her singing was concerned. + +I forget what Mr. COFFIN had to sing, but, whatever it was, he did it +more than justice, as did also the _basso profondo_, whose efforts +in producing his voice from, apparently, his boots, were crowned with +remarkable success. + +The _Friar Tuck_ here is a kind of good old-fashioned burlesque Friar, +more like that one some years ago at the Gaiety, in _Little Robin +Hood_ than the Friar in _Ivanhoe_. But I should say that this Friar +would be uncommonly thankful to have got anything like the song that +Sir ARTHUR has given _his_ Friar over the way, or something even +as good as Mr. DALLAS had to sing, years ago, in REECE's Gaiety +Burlesque. However, perhaps it was not intended for a singing part, +and perhaps the actor who plays it is not a professional singer. We're +not all of us born with silver notes in our chests. + +I see that Mr. HORACE SEDGER announces the drama in action, entitled +_L'Enfant Prodigue_, which recently made such a hit in Paris. Wonder +how it will go here. Not knowing, can't prophesy. + +PRIVATE BOX. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The Baron thanks Sir HENRY THOMPSON for his _Food and Feeding_, which +(published by WARNE & Co., a suggestive name) has reached its sixth +edition. It is, indeed, an entertaining work, and a work that all +honest entertainers should carefully study. It will delight alike the +host and the guest. To the first, Sir HENRY, being a host in himself, +can give such valuable advice as, if acted upon, will secure the ready +pupil a position as a Lucullus of the first class; and, even when +so placed, he will still have much to learn from this Past Grand +Master in the art of living well and wisely. "_Fas est ab 'hoste' +doceri_"--and a better host it would be difficult to find as teacher +than Sir HENRY THOMPSON, P.G.M., to whose health and happiness the +Baron quaffs a bumper of burgundy of the right sort and at the right +time. Most opportunely does this book appear in the season of Lent, +which may be well and profitably spent in acquiring a thorough +knowledge of how to turn to the best account the fleshpots of Egypt, +when the penitential time is past, and the yolk of mortification is +thrown off with the welcome return of the Easter Egg. Read attentively +what our guide and friend has to say about salads, especially note +his remarks on the salad of "cold boiled table vegetables." His +arrangement of the _menu_, to the Baron's simple taste, humble mode of +life, and not inconsiderable experience, is perfect. _Hors d'oeuvres_ +are works of supererogation, and have never been, so to speak, +acclimatised in our English table-land. The Baron may have overlooked +any directions about _ecrivisses_, not as _bisque_, but pure and +simple as cray-fish, which, fresh from the river and served hot and +hot come in late but welcome as an admirable refresher to the palate, +and as a relish for the champagne, though the Baron is free to admit +that the dainty manipulation of them is somewhat of a trial to the +inexperienced guest, especially in the presence of "Woman, lovely +Woman." "Hease afore helegance," was _Mr. Weller's_ motto, but "Ease +combined with elegance" may be attained in a few lessons, which any +skilled M.D.E. (i.e., _Mangeur d'ecrivisses_) will be delighted to +give at the well-furnished table of an apt and ardent pupil. Once +more "_Your_ health, Sir HENRY!" that's the Baron's toast (bread not +permitted) in honour of the eminent practician who does so much for +the health of everybody. + +That a considerable number of novel-readers like _Saint Monica_, by +Mrs. BENNETT-EDWARDS, is evident, because it has reached its sixth +edition, but that the Baron is not one of this happy number he is fain +to admit. _Saint Monica_ seems to him to be a story with which the +author of _As in a Looking-Glass_ might have done something in his +peculiar way. It begins with promise, which promise is not justified +by performance. + +[Illustration] + +Who does not welcome the works of HAWLEY SMART, the brightest of our +novelists? This is not a conundrum, and, consequently, has no answer. +Everybody likes the books of our literary Major, and everybody will +be pleased with _The Plunger_. The new Story is in two volumes, and is +full of incident. There is a murder, which carries one through, from +the first page to the last, in a state of breathless excitement. Not +that the tale commences with the tragedy. But its anticipation is as +delightful as its subsequent realisation; and, when the mystery is +solved, joy becomes universal. The story is told with so light a hand, +that it may be truly said that the only "heavy" thing about the book +is its title. + +_The Autobiography of Joseph Jefferson_ is a good stout volume, full +of portraits and interest from beginning to end, forming an important +addition to the theatrical history of the day. The Baron drinks to his +old friend, the greatest _Rip_ that ever lived. "Here's your health, +and your family's, and may you live long, and prosper!" says, +heartily, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SATIETY. + +"OH, MAMMY DARLING, WHY CAN'T THE TOYSHOP-MAN CALL FOR ORDERS EVERY +MORNING, LIKE THE BAKER?"] + + * * * * * + +CORIOLANUS. + +"_First Citizen_. Consider you what services he has done for his +country? + +"_Second Citizen_. Very well; and could be content to give him +good report for't, but that he pays himself with being +proud."--_Coriolanus_, Act I., Scene 1. + +_Teuton Coriolanus loquitur_:-- + + "_Was ever man so proud as is this_ MARCIUS?" + There spake the babbling Tribune! Proud? Great gods! + All power seems pride to men of petty souls, + As the oak's knotted strength seems arrogance + To the slime-rooted and wind-shaken reed + That shivers in the shallows. + I who perched, + An eagle on the topmost pinnacle + Of the State's eminence, and harried thence + All lesser fowl like sparrows!--I to hide + Like a chased moor-hen in a marsh, and bate + The breath that awed the world into a whisper, + That would not shake a taper-flame or stir + A flickering torch to flaring! + "_I do wonder_ + _His insolence can brook to be commanded_ + _Under_ COMINIUS." So the Roman said: + SICINIUS VELUTUS, thou hadst reason. + Under COMINIUS! Who's COMINIUS now? + The adolescent Emperor, or his cool + Complacent Chancellor? COMINIUS! + Unseasoned youth, or untried middle-age, + A shouting boy, or a sleek-spoken elder, + Hot stripling, cool supplanter! + I serve not + "Under COMINIUS," nay!--yet since he stands + There, where I made firm footing amidst chaos, + Stands in smug comfort where we Titans struggled-- + MOLTKE, and I, and the great Emperor,-- + Struggled for vantage, which he owes to us;-- + Since he stands there, and I in shadow sit, + Silenced and chidden, I half _feel_ I serve, + Whom he would bid to second. Second _him_, + In that Imperial Policy whose vast + And soaring shape, like air-launched eagle, seemed + To fill the sky, and shadow half the world? + As well the Eagle's self might be expected + To second the small jay! + My shadow, mine? + Yes, but distorted by the skew-cast ray + Of a far lesser sun than lit the noon + Of my meridian glory. So I spurn + The shrunken simulacrum! + And they shriek, + Shout censure at me, the cur-crowd who crouched, + Ere that a woman's hate and a boy's pride + Smote me, the new Abimelech, so sore; + They'd hush me, like a garrulous greybeard, chaired + At the hearth-corner out of harm; they'd hush + My voice--the valorous vermin! What say they? + "_That's a brave fellow; but he's vengeance proud_; + _Loves not the common people!_" Humph! I stand + As MARCIUS would not, in the market-place, + And show my wounds to the people. Is _that_ pride? + I stooped to--_her!_--let me not think of that; + 'T would poison paradise!--but is _that_ pride? + The Roman pride was stiff and taciturn, + And I,--they tell me, I "will still be talking," + And no MENENIUS is by to say + In charity of the modern MARCIUS, + "_Consider this:--he has been bred i'the wars_ + _Since he could draw a sword, and is ill-school'd_ + _In bolted language: meal and bran together_ + _He throws without distinction_." + Well, well, well + "_I would he had continued to his country_ + _As he began; and not unknit, himself,_ + _The noble knot he made_." So they'll whine out + The smug SICINIUSES. But what I wonder + If once again the Volscians make new head! + Who, "like an eagle in a dovecote," then + Will flutter them and discipline AUFIDIUS? + An eagle! Shall I spurn my shadow, then + Trample my own projection? So they babble + Who'd silence me, make this my mouthpiece[1] mute; + Who prate of prosecution--banishment, + Perchance, anon, for me, as for the Roman, + Because "I cannot brook to be commanded + Under COMINIUS." What said VOLUMNIA + To her imperious son? "_The man was noble,_ + _But with his last attempt he wiped it out;_ + _Destroy'd his country; and his name remains_ + _To the ensuing age abhorr'd._" I would not have + My own VIRGILIA say so--she who frets, + At my colossal chafing. ARNIM's shade + Would mock my fall; but silent Friedrichsruh + Irks me, whilst lesser spirits so misshape + My vast designs, whose shadow, dwarfed, distorted, + I trample in my anger, thus--thus--thus! + +[Footnote 1: The _Hamburger Nachrichten_, in whose columns (says the +_Times_) Prince BISMARCK, according to the friends of the Government, +"inspires incessant attacks upon the Imperial Policy, domestic, +foreign, and colonial, and especially upon the proceedings of his +successor, General CAPRIVI."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CORIOLANUS. + + "SUCH A NATURE, + TICKLED WITH GOOD SUCCESS, DISDAINS THE SHADOW + WHICH HE TREADS ON AT NOON."--_Coriolanus_, Act I., Sc. 1.] + + * * * * * + +DUMAS UP TO ARMY ESTIMATES' DATE. + +PART I.--_THE THREE VOLUNTEERS._ + +LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were delighted +with the progress discernible in every detail of the battalion to +which it was their honour to belong. Not a man that did not appear on +parade conscious of the fact that he had made himself proficient--the +privates were contented, the non-commissioned officers happy. It +was, indeed, a model Regiment. On the occasion of their inspection +by Colonel D'ARTAGNAN, a man marched from the ranks, and demanded a +hearing. + +"And what do _you_ want?" asked the inspecting officer. + +"We wish the unjust to be made just," returned the discontented one. +"We ask for a reform." + +PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS would have protested, but Colonel +D'ARTAGNAN motioned them to be silent. "I am here," he murmured, "to +listen to complaints. I must listen to his." + +"Sir," said the complainant, "we have admirable officers--the +Lieutenant, the Captain, and the Major. They are always at work." + +"Yes," returned Colonel D'ARTAGNAN; "and so are you." + +"But we have merely to obey orders, and not to command. We feel that +although we pay for everything connected with the battalion, we should +do something more. We ought to subscribe a sum to pay our excellent +officers for commanding us!" + +And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS refused the suggestion, to the great +disappointment of their subordinates. + +PART II.--_TWENTY YEARS AFTERWARDS._ + +LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were once again +being inspected by D'ARTAGNAN, now wearing the gold and crimson scarf +of a general officer. + +"Yes, I have a complaint to make," replied one of the rank and file, +in reply to the customary interrogation. "We have three officers; but +they have merely to give orders, while we have to obey them. This is +unfair--unjust. We are always at work." + +"Yes," returned General D'ARTAGNAN, "and so are they." + +"True enough. We feel that, although they pay everything for the +battalion, they should do more. They ought to compensate their +excellent privates for the time we devote to obeying them." + +And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS accepted the suggestion, to the great +delight of their subordinates. + +PART III.--_TEN YEARS LATER._ + +Lieutenant PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were yet again on +parade. + +"I salute you, my friends," said Field Marshal D'ARTAGNAN, the +inspecting officer. "But where is your Regiment?" + +PORTHOS looked at ATHOS, and ATHOS glanced at ARAMIS. Then they +replied in a breath, "It has been disbanded." + +"Disbanded!" echoed D'ARTAGNAN. "But where are the accounts of the +Corps?" + +Then the three friends replied in a mournful tone, "Filed in the Court +of Bankruptcy!" + +"And what do you call this filing of officers' accounts in the Court +of Bankruptcy?" + +"We call it the last act of the Volunteer Movement, which, by the way, +however, was not entirely voluntary!" + +And the four friends having no further occupation requiring their +joint attention, shook hands warmly, and parted--for ever! + + * * * * * + +MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--TO DINNER. + +(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._) + +NO. I.--THE OVER-CULTURED UNDERGRADUATE. + +[Illustration] + + He stood, as if posed by a column, + Awaiting our hostess' advance; + Complacently pallid and solemn, + He deigned an Olympian glance. + Icy cool, in a room like a crater, + He silently marched me down-stairs, + And Mont Blanc could not freeze with a greater + Assurance of grandeur and airs. + + I questioned if Balliol was jolly-- + "Your epithet," sighed he, "means noise. + Vile noise! At his age it were folly + To revel with Philistine boys." + Competition, the century's vulture, + Devoured academical fools; + For himself, utter pilgrim of Culture, + He countenanced none of the Schools. + + Exams: were a Brummagem fashion + Of mobs and inferior taste; + They withered "Translucence" and "Passion," + They vulgarised leisure by haste. + Self to realise--that was the question, + Inscrutable still while the cooks + Of our Colleges preached indigestion, + Their Dons indigestible books. + + Two volumes alone were not bathos, + The one by an early Chinese, + The other, that infinite pathos, + Our Nursery Rhymes, if you please. + He was lost, he avowed, in this era; + His spirit was seared by the West, + But he deemed to be Monk in Madeira + Would probably suit him the best. + + "Impressions of Babehood" in plenty + Succeeded, "Hot youth" and its tears, + Till I wondered if ninety or twenty + Summed up his unbearable years. + Great Heavens! I turned to my neighbour, + A SQUARSON by culture unblest; + And welcomed at length in field-labour + And foxes refreshment and rest. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION OF THE KNIGHT.--If it be true, as was mentioned in the +_World_ last week, that Mr. Justice WRIGHT has "climbed down," only to +be placed upon a higher perch, will any change of name follow on the +Knighthood? Will he be known as Sir ROBERT RONG, late Mr. JUSTICE +WRIGHT? + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO is a thundering instrument. + + * * * * * + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO should be in every Lunatic Asylum. + + * * * * * + +THE JERRYBAND PIANO.--This wonderful and unique instrument, horizontal +and perpendicular Grand, five octaves, hammerless action, including +keyboard, pedals, gong, peal of bells, ophicleide stop, and all +the newest improvements, can be seen at Messrs. SPLITTE AND SON's +Establishment, High Holborn, and purchased ON THE FIFTY YEARS' HIRE +SYSTEM, by which, at a payment of 1s. 1-1/2d. a week, the piano, or +what is left of it, becomes the property of the purchaser, or his +heirs and executors, at the expiration of that period. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a new after-dinner, home-grown Sherry, of quite +extraordinary value and startling excellence. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a full, fruity, gout-giving, generous, heady wine, smooth +on the palate, round in the mouth, full of body, wing, character, and +crust. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA may be safely offered at funerals. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is a beverage for Dukes in distressed circumstances. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA _is the wine, par excellence_, for the retrenching. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA, mixed with citrate of soda, treacle, and soda-water, and +drunk in the dark immediately after a glass of hot ginger brandy, will +be found to possess all the quality of a low-priced Champagne. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA is the making of an economical wedding breakfast. + + * * * * * + +PECADILLA. A few parcels of this unique and delicious Wine are still +to be had of the grower, a Sicilian Count, for the moment resident in +Houndsditch, at the nominal price, inclusive of the bottles, of five +shillings and ninepence the dozen. + + * * * * * + +TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING. + +(_AN EXPLANATION._) + + ["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already mortgaged. In + 1892 you may count upon me."--Mr. JEROME K. JEROME, _not_ Mr. + RUDYARD KIPLING. _See "Punch," Feb. 14_.] + + Oh, Mr. KIPLING!--you whose pungent pen + Of pirate publishers has been the terror, + Try hard, I beg you, to forgive me, when + I openly confess I wrote in error. + + It was not you by whom the deed was done. + But Mr. JEROME 'twas who wrote and said he + Could not contribute, since his Ninety-One + Was mortgaged to the Editors already. + + 'Twas rough on you, indeed, in such a way, + By thinking you were he, to dim your glory. + Yet pray believe I really grieve to say + I mixed you up with quite "another story"! + + * * * * * + +DRAMATIC ILLUSTRATION OF AN ADVERTISEMENT.--In one of the advertising +columns of the _Times_ the paragraph appeared one day last week. The +newspaper containing it lay on the table of a drawing-room. Elderly +beau was making up (he was accustomed to making-up in another sense, +as his wig and whiskers could testify) to charming young lady. Such +was the scene. He asked her to accept him. Her reply was to show him +the heading of this advertisement in the _Times_:--"YOUTH WANTED." +_Tableau! Exit_ Beau. Curtain. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISS PARLIAMENT'S DREAM OF A FANCY BALL. + +_A Suggestion for Druriolanus at Covent Garden._] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH TO MISS CANADA. + + Oh, Canada, dear Canada, we shall not discombobulate + Ourselves concerning JONATHAN. 'Tis true he tried to rob you late + (That is if Tariff-diddling may be qualified as robbery), + But BULL has learned the wisdom of not kicking up a bobbery. + + No, Canada, we love you dear, and shall be greatly gratified + If by your March Elections our relations are--say ratified. + We don't expect self-sacrifice, we do not beg for gratitude, + But keep an interested eye, my dear, upon your attitude. + + Railings and ravings rantipole we hold are reprehensible, + But of our kindly kinship we're affectionately sensible. + A mother's proud to see her child learning to "run alone," you know; + But does not wish to see her "run away" from home, she'll own you know. + + MACDONALD is magniloquent, perhaps a bit thrasonical; + His dark denunciations--at a distance--sound ironical. + And when we read the rows between him and Sir RICHARD CARTWRIGHT; dear, + We have our doubts if either chief quite plays the patriot part right, dear! + + But there, we know that party speeches are not _merum nectar_, all, + And we can take the measure of magniloquence electoral; + The tipple Party Spirit men will stir and whiskey-toddy-fy, + But when they have to drink it--cold--its strength they greatly modify. + + Beware the Ides of March? Oh, no! All auguries we defy, my dear! + The spectre of disloyalty don't scare us; all my eye, my dear. + So vote away, dear Canada! our faith's in friendly freedom, dear; + And croakers, Yank, or Canuck, or home-born, we shall not heed 'em, dear! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SENSITIVE EAR. + +_Intelligent Briton_. "BUT WE HAVE NO THEATRE, NO ACTORS WORTHY OF THE +NAME, MADEMOISELLE! WHY, THE ENGLISH DELIVERY OF BLANK VERSE IS SIMPLY +TORTURE TO AN EAR ACCUSTOMED TO HEAR IT GIVEN ITS FULL BEAUTY AND +SIGNIFICANCE BY A BERNHARDT OR A COQUELIN!" + +_Mademoiselle_. "INDEED? I HAVE NEVER HEARD BERNHARDT OR COQUELIN +RECITE ENGLISH BLANK VERSE!" + +_Intelligent Briton_. "OF COURSE NOT. I MEAN _FRENCH_ BLANK VERSE--THE +BLANK VERSE OF CORNEILLE, RACINE, MOLIERE!" + +_Mademoiselle_. "OH, MONSIEUR, THERE IS NO SUCH THING!" + +[_Briton still tries to look intelligent._] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, February 16_.--After long tarrying, +House once more justified its old character. Been dolefully dull +these weeks and months past. Thought it was dead; only been sleeping. +To-night woke up, and audience that filled every Bench, blocked the +Gangways, and thronged the Bar, had rare treat. Occasion was the +indictment of Prince ARTHUR; long pending; was to have come off at +beginning of Session; put off on account of counter attractions in +Committee-Room No. 15; postponement no longer possible; and here we +are, House throbbing with excitement, OLD MORALITY nervously clacking +about Treasury Bench, bringing his chicks together under his wing. +RANDOLPH brought his young beard down to witness performance. + +[Illustration: A Buffer Q.C.] + +Initial difficulty in Irish Camp; Brer FOX sitting in old place, two +steps down third bench below Gangway. Brer RABBIT, sunk in profound +meditation, oblivious to the rival Leader's presence, occupies corner +seat; room for one between them. Who shall take it? Anxious time for +TIM HEALY. Nothing he dreads so much as possibility of outbreak. In +Committee-Room No. 15, Brer FOX snatched out of Brer RABBIT's hand +a sheet of paper. Suppose now, in sudden paroxysm, he were to reach +forth and taking Brer RABBIT by the beard bang his head against the +back of the Bench? TIM's gentle nature shivered with apprehension; +thing to do was to get a good plump gentleman set between the two, so +that in case hostilities broke out his body might be used as buffer. +Thought of ELTON first. Besides a professional desire to find +occupation for Members of the Bar, ELTON's figure seemed made on +purpose for the peaceful errand TIM had in mind. Broached subject. +ELTON said, always happy to oblige; but was, in fact, just now +retiring from Parliamentary life; didn't care to be brought into undue +prominence. Besides, he belonged to other side of House; Why not try +T.B. POTTER? + +"The very man!" cried TIM, "I believe you and he scale the same to a +pound, and though your waist is more shapely, he has the advantage in +shoulders." + +POTTER most obliging of men; offered no objection. So TIM conducted +him to the seat; he dropped gently, but firmly in it; Brer RABBIT +putting on his spectacles, and looking across the expanse of T.B.'s +shoulders, thought he recognised Brer FOX at the other side. Anyhow, +he was beyond speaking distance, and so embarrassment was obviated. + +TIM, his mind thus at rest, able to devote his attention to debate, to +progress of which, he contributed a few interjections. Finally, when +Division taken on JOHN MORLEY's Motion, and everybody ready to go +home, he moved and carried Adjournment of Debate. + +_Business done_.--Prince ARTHUR indicted for breach of Constitutional +Law in Ireland. Jury retired to consider their verdict. Agreed upon +acquittal by 320 Votes against 245. + +_Tuesday_.--A once familiar presence pervades House to-night. Everyone +more, or less vaguely, conscious of it. Even without chancing to look +up to Peers' Gallery, Members are inspired with sudden mysterious +access of Moral Influence. OLD MORALITY himself, that overflowing +reservoir of moral axioms, takes on an aggravated air of +responsibility and respectability. Has had a great triumph which would +inflate a man of less modest character. Last night, or rather early +this morning, Irish Members appeared to force Government hand; just +when it seemed that RUSSELL's Amendment was about to be substituted +for MORLEY's Resolution, TIM HEALY interposed, moved Adjournment of +Debate; OLD MORALITY protested; SEXTON slily threatened all-night +sitting; after an hour's struggle, Government capitulated; Adjournment +agreed to; Irish Members went off jubilant. + +To-night SEXTON asks OLD MORALITY when they shall resume debate? + +"Ah," says OLD MORALITY, with look of friendly interest, as if the +idea had struck him for the first time, "yes; just so. The Hon. Member +wants to know when we shall resume the debate, the adjournment of +which he and his friends were instrumental in carrying at an early +hour this morning. Well, I must say, on the part of Her Majesty's +Government, that we are perfectly satisfied with matters as they were +left. We had a lively debate, a majority much larger than we had dared +to hope for, and, as far as we are concerned, I think we'll leave +matters alone. As one of our great prose-writers observed, it is, on +the whole, more conducive to comfort to endure any inconveniences that +may press upon one at the current moment, than to hasten to encounter +others with the precise nature of which we do not happen to be +acquainted." + +[Illustration: Under-Secretary.] + +GRAND CROSS missed this delightful little episode, not coming in till +questions were over. Now he sat in Peers' Gallery and gazed through +spectacles on scene of earlier triumphs. Looks hardly a day older than +when he left us; the same perky manner, the same wooden visage, with +its pervading air of supreme self-satisfaction and inscrutable wisdom. +It is a night given up to Indian topics. PLOWDEN, in his quiet, +effective way, has just carried Motion which will have substantial +effect in the direction of securing fuller debate of Indian questions. +GORST, standing at table replying to BUCHANAN on another Indian topic, +alludes with deferential tone to "the SECRETARY OF STATE." GRAND CROSS +almost audibly purrs from his perch in the Gallery. + +"An odd world, my masters," says the Member for SARK, striding out +impatiently, "when you have a man like GORST Under-Secretary, with +a man like GRAND CROSS at the Head of the Department." + +_Business done_.--An hour or two given to India. + +_Thursday_.--Army Estimates on to-night. HANBURY comes to the front, +as usual. STANHOPE tossing about on Treasury Bench, in considerable +irritation. + +"What's the use, my ST. JOHN," he asked BRODRICK, the only man +standing by him, "of a family arrangement like ours, if one is +subjected to annoyance like this? With one brother in the Peers, a +pillar of staid Conservatism; with myself on the Treasury Bench, +a Cabinet Minister, a right-hand man of the Government: and then, +final touch, old PHILIP EGALITE below the Gangway opposite, with +his Radicalism, and his tendency to out-JACOBY LABOUCHERE. This is +a broad-based family combination, that ought to make us, each in his +way, irresistible. And yet there seems nothing to prevent a fellow +like HANBURY looking down from his six feet two scornfully on a +British soldier not more than five feet four in his stocking-feet, +whilst he inflates his chest, and asks, in profound bass notes, how +are the ancient glories of the British Army to be maintained with men +who cannot stretch the tape at thirty-six inches?" + +[Illustration: "Amazed at his own Moderation."] + +When HANBURY sat down, after pounding away in ponderous style for +nearly an hour, STANHOPE got up and prodded him reproachfully. +Wonderful how much vinegar and vitriol he managed to distil into his +oft-repeated phrase, "My honourable friend!" As for HANBURY, he sat +with hands in pocket, staring at empty benches opposite, amazed at his +own moderation. + +Hours of the usual kind of talk on Army Estimates; the Colonels, +Volunteer and otherwise, showing that the Army is as GILL (who +has recently spent some time in Boulogne) says, _en route pour les +chiens_; the SECRETARY of State for WAR demonstrating that everything +is in apple-pie order, and his right honourable predecessor on the +Front Opposition Bench bearing testimony to the general state of +efficiency. + +WOLMER flashed through the haze a word that has long wanted saying +in the House. Why, he asked, place sentries surrounding St. James's +Palace, the War Office, and the Horse Guards? Why, if presence of +armed men at these particular gateways is essential to proper conduct +of affairs of Department--why should Charity Commissioners and +Education Office be left unguarded? WOLMER should keep pegging away at +this question till he gets common-sense answer. + +_Business done_.--Army Estimates moved. + +_Friday_.--Gallant little Wales took the floor to-night. Wants the +Church Disestablished; PRITCHARD MORGAN, in speech of prodigious +length, asked House to sanction the proposal. The Government, +determined to oppose Motion, cast about for Member of their body who +could best lead opposition. Hadn't a Welshman on the Treasury Bench. + +"There's RAIKES, you know," AKERS-DOUGLAS said, discussing the matter +with OLD MORALITY. "He's not exactly a Welshman, but, when he's at +home, he lives in Denbighshire, which is as near being Wales as you +can get. Besides, his postal address is Llwynegrin." + +"Ah!" said OLD MORALITY, "that looks well. He's not the rose, but he +lives in convenient contiguity to the flower." + +So RAIKES was put up, and a nice, peaceful, soothing, insinuating, +conciliatory speech he made. In fact, as the Member for SARK says, "He +got gallant little Wales down on its back, tied its horns and heels +together, partially flayed it, and then rubbed in cunningly contrived +combination of Cayenne pepper and vinegar." + +_Business done_.--Welsh Disestablishment Motion negatived by 235 Votes +to 203. + + * * * * * + +CELT AGAIN. + + GRANT-ALLEN,--his manner moves cynics to mirth!-- + Makes out that the Celt is the Salt of the Earth. + That accounts, it may be, for his dominant fault; + A "salt of the earth" _has_ a taste for assault! + + * * * * * + +OUT OF SCHOOL! + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--You are so awfully good to chaps at school that I +am sure you will insert this letter. SMITH MINOR, who takes in the +_Times_, says, that a "PARENT" has been writing to say, that there +should be a meeting of Fathers to swagger over the meeting of Head +Masters. Well, this wouldn't be half a bad idea if it were properly +conducted; but the "PARENT" seems to be a beast of a governor, who +wants to cut down the holidays, and such like rot. And this brings me +to what I want to propose myself. If there are to be meetings of Head +Masters and Parents, why not a meeting of Boys? We have a heap of +grievances. For instance, lots of chaps would like to know why "the +water" was stopped at Westminster, and something about the domestic +economy of Harrow. Then the great and burning question of grub is +always ready to hand. The "PARENT" wants to have a hand in the payment +for school-books, seeing his way to getting the discount (stingy +chap!) then why shouldn't we fellows have a voice choosing them? Then +about taking up Greek, why shouldn't we have our say in _that_ matter? +After all, it interests us more than anyone else, as we are the +fellows that will have to learn it, if it is to be retained. Then +about corporal punishment. Not that we mind it much, still _we_ are +the fellows who get swished at Eton, and feel the tolly at Beaumont. +Surely the Boys know more about a licking than Head Masters and +Parents? You, as a practical man, will say, "Who should attend the +Congress?" I reply, every public school might send a delegate; and by +public school, I do not limit the term to the old legitimate "E. and +the two W.'s," Eton, Winchester and Westminster. No; I would throw +it open to such respectable educational establishments as Harrow, +Rugby, Charterhouse, St. Paul's, Marlborough, Felsted, Cheltenham, +Stonyhurst, and the rest of them. The more the merrier, say I; and +if there was a decided division of opinion on any subject, we could +settle the matter off-hand at once, by taking off our jackets and +turning up our shirt-sleeves. The more I think of it, the more I like +it! It _would_ be a game! + +Always your affectionate friend, (_Signed_) JONES MINIMUS. + + * * * * * + +THE SAME OLD GAME. + + [Russia is said to be threatening the old Finnish laws and + liberties.] + + Russia snubs him who, as a candid friend, + Horrors Siberian, Hebrew would diminish. + _Must_ Muscovites prove tyrants to the end? + At least they aim to prove so to the _Finnish_! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, VOL. +100. 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