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diff --git a/old/13074.txt b/old/13074.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c8b56f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13074.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1770 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., +February 7, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., February 7, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 1, 2004 [EBook #13074] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +February 7, 1891. + + + + +THE "MODEL HUSBAND" CONTEST. + +SCENE THE FIRST--_AT THE GALAHAD-GREENS'_. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ GALAHAD! + +_Mr. G.-G._ (_meekly_). My love? + +[Illustration] + +_Mrs. G.-G._ I see that the proprietors of _All Sorts_ are going to +follow the American example, and offer a prize of L20 to the wife +who makes out the best case for her husband as a Model. It's just as +well, perhaps, that you should know that I've made up my mind to enter +_you_! + +_Mr. G.-G._ (_gratified_). My dear CORNELIA! really, I'd no idea you +had such a-- + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Nonsense! The drawing-room carpet is a perfect disgrace, +and, as you can't, or won't, provide the money in any _other_ way, +why--Would you like to hear what I've said about you? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Well, if you're sure it wouldn't he troubling you too +much, I _should_, my dear. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Then sit where I can see you, and listen. (_She reads._) +"Irreproachable in all that pertains to morality"--(and it would +be a bad day indeed for you, GALAHAD, if I ever had cause to think +_otherwise_.')--"morality; scrupulously dainty and neat in his +person"--(ah, you may well blush, GALAHAD, but, fortunately, they +won't want me to _produce_ you!)--"he imports into our happy home the +delicate refinement of a _preux chevalier_ of the olden time." (Will +you kindly take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) "We rule +our little kingdom with a joint and equal sway, to which jealousy +and friction are alike unknown; he, considerate and indulgent to +my womanly weakness,"--(You need not stare at me in that perfectly +idiotic fashion!)--"I, looking to him for the wise and tender support +which has never yet been denied. The close and daily scrutiny of +many years has discovered"--(What are you shaking like _that_ +for?)--"discovered no single weakness; no taint or flaw of character; +no irritating trick of speech or habit." (How often have I told you +that I will _not_ have the handle of that paper-knife sucked? Put it +down; do!) "His conversation--sparkling but ever spiritual--renders +our modest meals veritable feasts of fancy and flows of soul ... +_Well_, GALAHAD? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Nothing, my dear; nothing. It struck me as well,--a trifle +_flowery_, that last passage, that's all! + +_Mrs. G.-G._ (_severely_). If I cannot expect to win the prize without +descending to floweriness, whose fault is _that_, I should like to +know? If you can't make sensible observations, you had better not +speak at all. (_Continuing_,) "Over and over again, gathering me in +his strong loving arms, and pressing fervent kisses upon my forehead, +he has cried, 'Why am I not a Monarch that so I could place a diadem +upon that brow? With such a Consort, am I not doubly crowned?'" Have +you anything to say to _that_, GALAHAD? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Only, my love, that I--I don't seem to remember having +made that particular remark. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Then make it _now_. I'm sure I wish to be as accurate as +I _can_. [Mr. G.-G. _makes the remark--but without fervour._ + + +SCENE THE SECOND--_AT THE MONARCH-JONES'_. + +_Mr. M.-J._ Twenty quid would come in precious handy just now, after +all I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch that prize if I can--so +just you sit down, GRIZZLE, and write out what I tell you; do you +hear? + +_Mrs. M.-J._ (_timidly_). But, MONARCH, dear, would that be quite +_fair_? No, don't be angry, I didn't mean that--I'll write whatever +you please! + +_Mr. M.-J._ You'd _better_, that's all! Are you ready? I must screw +myself up another peg before I begin. (_He screws._) Now, then. +(_Stands over her and dictates._) "To the polished urbanity of a +perfect gentleman, he unites the kindly charity of a true Christian." +(Why the devil don't you learn to write decently, eh?) "Liberal, and +even lavish, in all his dealings, he is yet a stern foe to every +kind of excess"--(Hold on a bit, I must have another nip after +that)--"every kind of excess. Our married life is one long dream of +blissful contentment, in which each contends with the other in loving +self-sacrifice." (Haven't you corked all that down _yet_!) "Such +cares and anxieties as he has, he conceals from me with scrupulous +consideration as long as possible"--(Gad, I should be a fool +if I _didn't_!)--"while I am ever sure of finding in him a +patient and sympathetic listener to all my trifling worries and +difficulties."--(_Two_ f's in difficulties, you little fool--can't you +even _spell_?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, he has +rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly emotion, 'Oh, that +I were more worthy of such a pearl among women! With such a helpmate, +I am indeed to be envied!'" That _ought_ to do the trick. If I don't +romp in after that!--(_Observing that Mrs. M.-J.'s shoulders are +convulsed._) What the dooce are you giggling at _now_? + +_Mrs. M.-J._ I--I wasn't giggling, MONARCH dear, only-- + +_Mr. M.-J._ Only _what_? _Mrs. M.-J._ Only crying! + + +THE SEQUEL. + +"The Judges appointed by the spirited proprietors of _All Sorts_ +to decide the 'Model Husband Contest'--which was established on +lines similar to one recently inaugurated by one of our New York +contemporaries--have now issued their award. Two competitors have sent +in certificates which have been found equally deserving of the prize; +viz., Mrs. CORNELIA GALAHAD-GREEN, Graemair Villa, Peckham, and Mrs. +GRISELDA MONARCH-JONES, Aspen Lodge, Lordship Lane. The sum of Twenty +Pounds will consequently be divided between these two ladies, to +whom, with their respective spouses, we beg to tender our cordial +felicitations."--(_Extract from Daily Paper, some six months hence._) + + * * * * * + +CRUMMLES REDIVIVUS! + +[Illustration] + +For some months Society has been on the tip-toe of expectation with +regard to the new Tragedy by Mr. SHAKSPEARE SMITHSON, which is to +inaugurate the magnificent Theatre, built at a sumptuous and total +disregard of expense by Mr. DILEY PUFF, a lineal descendant of the +great PUFF family, by intermarriage with the more recent CRUMMLES's, +expressly for the performance of the genuine English Drama. A veil of +secrecy has, however, been drawn over all the arrangements connected +with the new production. One after another the Author, the Manager, +and the leading Actors were appealed to in vain. Finally, one of +Our Representatives taking his courage in both hands, brought it and +himself safely to the stage-door of the new theatre, and knocked. +After some hesitation he was admitted by an intelligent boy, who, +however, at first seemed indisposed to be drawn into conversation, +though he admitted he had been engaged for the responsible post +of call-boy at an inadequate salary. Our Representative managed to +interest the lad in the inspection of a numismatic representation of +Her Most Gracious Majesty, which he happened to have brought with him +on the back of half-a-crown, and with which Our Representative toyed, +holding it between the thumb and dexter finger of the right hand. We +give the result in Our Representative's own words:-- + +"Come this way," said the boy, on whom the sight of the coin seemed +to operate like some weird talisman, leading me to a remote part +of the stage, the floor of which had been tastefully littered with +orange-peel in a variety of patterns; "we shall be comfortabler." + +"Now tell me," I said, "about this new piece." + +"It's what they call a Tragedy," said the boy. + +"Ah!" I replied, "that is interesting; but I want to know about the +Author. What do you think of him?" + +"The horther? Oh my!" said the precocious lad, producing an apple from +his trousers' pocket, but his right eye still fixed on the talisman, +"'e don't count. Why we none of us pays no attention to 'im. Crikey, +you should 'a seen 'im come a cropper on his nut down them new steps. +But, look 'ere, Sir," he continued, more solemnly, "I'm a tellin' +yer secrets, I am; and if DILEY were to 'ear of it, I'd get a proper +jacketin'. Swear you won't peach." + +I gave the requisite pledge. "And that ere arf-crown?" he said. I +nodded assent to what was evidently in his mind. Then he resumed. +"It's a beautiful piece. The play, I mean," he explained; being +fearful lest I should consider him as over-eager for the coveted and +covenanted reward. "I'm sure o' that. The horther says so, and DILEY +says so, and Miss O'GRADY says so; she's got the 'eroine to play,--and +oh, don't she die in the lawst Act just proper, with pink light and +a couple o' angels to carry 'er up! Then there's Mr. KEANE 'ARRIS, 'e +touches 'em all up with 'is sword, 'places his back to the wall, and +defies the mob,' is what the book says. So you may take it from me, +it's fust-rate." + +I thanked my intelligent little friend for his information, and was +proceeding to put a further question about the music for this new +Drama, which, as everyone will soon know, is to be a real _chef +d'oeuvre_ of Sir HAUTHOR SUNNIVUN, when a step was heard approaching +across the stage--the deepest, by the way, in London--to where we were +talking. + +"That's 'im," said the boy, trembling. "'E's a noble-'earted master, +so kind and generous, but 'e 'ates deception, and it would be more +than my place is worth to let 'im catch me talking these 'ere dead +secrets to you. Give us the coin. I'm orf!" + +And, before I was able to carry out my portion of the contract, he was +gone. And in another moment--so was I. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BRUIN JUNIOR. + +"May this be my poison, if my Bear ever dances but to the very +genteelest of tunes, '_Water-parted_,' or '_The Minuet in Ariadne.'" +She Stoops to Conquer_. + +_Viceroy_ (_to Miss India, loquitur_). "DON'T BE ALARMED, MY DEAR! +THIS BEAR NEVER DANCES BUT TO THE VERY GENTEELEST OF TUNES!" + +Lord LANSDOWNE, _loquitur_:-- + + Be easy, my darling! He doesn't come snarling, + Or rearing, or hugging, this young Dancing Bear. + With you (and with pleasure) he'll tread a gay measure, + A captive of courtesy, under my care; + His chain is all golden. Your heart 'twill embolden, + And calm that dusk bosom which timidly shrinks. + Sincere hospitality is, in reality, + Safest of shackles;--just look at the links! + + Alarmists saw ruin in prospects of Bruin, + The Great Northern Bear, treading India's soil. + How bogies may blind us! On our side the Indus + They fancy friend Ursa spies nothing but spoil; + But Ursa's _invited_ to come, and delighted + To visit you, not as aggressor, but guest. + So welcome him brightly, and treat him politely. + And trip with him lightly, you'll find it far best, + + ATTA TROLL (HEINE tells us) "danced nobly." Pride swells us + To think our young guest is a true ATTA TROLL; + No Bugbear, though shaggy, a trifle breech-baggy, + And not altogether a dandyish doll; + No Afghan intrigue, dear, or shy Native league, dear, + Has brought Bruin's foot o'er our frontier to dance: + He comes freely, boldly--don't look on him coldly, + Or make him suspect there is _fear_ in your glance. + + Be sure that the Lion will still keep his eye on + All Bears and their dens, in the Tiger's behalf; + Meanwhile Ursa Minor eschews base design, or + Intrigue against _you_, dear. Lift eyes, love, and laugh! + I'll answer for Bruin, he shall not take _you_ in-- + The Bear's _bona fides_ nobody impugns; + He asks a kind glance, and your hand in a dance; and + He'll dance "to the very genteelest of tunes"!] + + * * * * * + +THE UP-TO-DATE CONVERSATIONIST. + +_He_ (_at the end of a turn_). I see there's been a row in Chili--what +do you think about it? + +_She_. I don't know the place--isn't it somewhere in America? + +_He_. I shouldn't be surprised if it were, but my geography's shaky. I +rather fancy it's somehow connected with pickles. + +_She_. Oh, then it's a mistake their quarrelling, as I suppose it will +be hard upon the poor, especially during the winter? + +_He_. Fancy that's the idea. Been to the Guelph Exhibition? + +_She_. Yes, and I think it's a pity they took the jewels out of GEORGE +THE FOURTH's Crown. I should like to have seen the Koh-i-Noor. + +_He_. But they wanted them for the one at the Tower, don't you know, +and as for the Koh-i-Noor, was _that_ invented in his time? + +_She_. Perhaps it wasn't. Stay, wasn't it discovered by Captain COOK, +or DRAKE, or somebody? + +_He_. I daresay. I have never looked the matter up. _A propos_, +One-pound Bank-notes are to be issued. + +_She_. Are they? I suppose they will be useful for change? + +_He_. Shouldn't be astonished, but don't pretend to know anything +about it. By the way, do you take much interest in the subjects we +have been discussing? + +_She_. Not the faintest. + +_He_. No more do I! [_Waltz continued._ + + * * * * * + +DEARNESS AND DEARTH. + +"Spanish onions are rising in price, though probably only +temporarily."--_Daily News_. + +I. + + Will it be long, then--long? + For the people watch and wait, + Till the strength of the onion makes them strong, + At only the normal rate. + And their eyes are dim with tears, + And ache with the need of sleep. + And watch till the lapse of the lapsing years + Shall make the onions cheap. + Cheap, my love, cheap! Sleep, my love, sleep! + Onions are dear, love, but sentiment's cheap! + + II. + + Listen! Is it a voice + Calling--again--again, + Or a fragrance to make my heart rejoice + From the sunlit land of Spain? + Listen, my own, my bride, + While the glad tears dew your cheek, + They are fried, my bride, by the sad sea tide + With a smell that can almost speak + Creep, my love, creep into the deep, + And sing to the fishes that onions are cheap. + + * * * * * + +THE PROPOSED ONE-POUND NOTES.--"Ne-Goschenable currency." + + * * * * * + +AN ELEGY ON A MAD DOG. + +(_AFTER GOLDSMITH, MORE OR LESS._) + + Good patriots all of every sort, + Give ear unto my song, + For if in substance it is short, + In moral it is strong. + + [Illustration] + + At Hawarden lived a Grand Old Man, + Of whom the world might say, + A wondrous lengthy race he ran, + And won it all the way. + + [Illustration] + + Some swore he'd veer to catch a vote; + Old age to flout one loathes, + But, if he never turned his coat, + He often changed his clothes. + + [Illustration] + + Hard by an Irish dog was found, + As many dogs there be, + Hibernian mongrel, puppy, hound, + And curs of low degree. + + This dog and man at first seemed friends, + But, when a pique began, + The dog, to gain his private ends, + Went mad, and bit the man! + + [Illustration] + + To see so strange and sad a sight + Quidnuncs and _gobemouches_ ran, + And swore the dog was rabid quite + To bite that Grand Old Man. + + [Illustration] + + The wound indeed seemed sore and sad + To every party eye, + And while they swore the dog was mad, + They swore the man must die. + + [Illustration] + + But marvels sometimes come to light + Rash prophets to belie. + The man seems healing of the bite, + The dog looks like to die! + + * * * * * + +Remarkable Conversion. + +"CANON TEIGNMOUTH SHORE proposes to convert the two Convocations." ... +that is startling without the context--"into one National Synod." But +two into one won't go. How will he manage it? Will those in the York +ship join the Canterbury, or _vice versa_? Or, quitting both ships, +will they land on common ground? "Who's for SHORE?" + + * * * * * + +PAR ABOUT PICTURES.--"_Over the Garden Wall_," seems to be the song +that Mr. G.S. ELGOOD sings at the Fine Art Society's Gallery. In the +course of his travels he has been over a good many garden walls. +At Wroxton, Compton Wynyates, Penshurst, Montacute, Berkeley, and +Helmingham, he has pursued his studies to some purpose; the result +is an enjoyable collection of pictures, which he entitles, "A Summer +among the Flowers." + + * * * * * + +BRUSTLES' BISHOP. + +(_BY A MUDDLED MORALIST._) + +CHAPTER I. + +BEN BRUSTLES was only a poor shoeblack-boy who cleaned boots--ay, and +even shoes, for his daily bread. Such time as he could spare from his +avocation he devoted to diligent study of the doctrine of chance, as +exemplified in the practice of pitch-and-toss. Often and often, after +pitching and tossing in the cold wet streets for long weary hours, +he would return home without a halfpenny. Think of this, ye more +fortunate youths, who sit at home at ease, and play Loto for nuts! But +through all his vicissitudes, BEN kept a stout heart, never losing his +conviction that something--he knew not what--would eventually turn up. +Sometimes it was heads, at others tails: and in either case the poor +boy lost money by it--but he persevered notwithstanding, confident +that Fortune would favour him at last. It is this spirit of undaunted +enterprise that has made our England what it is! + +[Illustration: Brustles Blacking.] + +And one day Fortune did favour him. He observed, as he knelt before +his box, a portly and venerable person close by, who was engrossed +in studying, with apparent complacency, his own reflection in a +plate-glass shop-front. So naive a display of personal vanity, in +one whose dress and demeanour denoted him a Bishop, not unnaturally +excited BENJAMIN's interest, nor was this lessened when the stranger, +after shaking his head reproachfully at his reflected image, advanced +to the shoe-black's box as if in obedience to a sudden impulse. + +"My lad," he said, with a certain calm dignity, "will you be so good +as to black both my legs for me--at once?" + +This unusual request, conceived as it was on a larger scale than the +orders he habitually received, startled the youth, particularly as +he noted that the symmetrical and well-turned limb which the Bishop +extended consisted, like its fellow, of a rare and costly species of +mahogany, and shone with the rich and glossy hue of a newly-fallen +horse-chestnut, "I see," commented the Bishop, with a melancholy +smile, "that you have already discovered that my lower members are +the product--not of Nature, but of Art. It was not always thus with +me--but in my younger days I was an ardent climber--indeed, I am still +an Honorary Member of the Hampstead Heath Alpine Club. Many years +since, whilst scaling Primrose Hill, I was compelled, by a sudden +storm, to take refuge in a half-way hut, where I passed the night, +exposed to all the rigours of an English Midsummer! When I awoke +I found, to my surprise, that both my legs had been bitten by the +relentless frost short off immediately below the knee, and I had to +continue the ascent next day in a basket. On descending, I caused +these substitutes to be fashioned, and on them I stumped my way to +the exalted position I now fill, nor have I ever evinced any physical +inconveniences from my misfortune, save in one particular--that it +has rendered the assumption of gaiters unhappily out of the question! +But, possibly, my wish to have these legs of mine disguised by your +pigments, strikes you as bizarre, if not positively eccentric? You +will better understand my reasons after you have heard a confession +which, though necessary, is, believe me, painful to make." And the +good old man, after a short internal struggle, began the following +narrative, which we reserve for a succeeding chapter. + + +CHAPTER II. + +"Even as a Curate, a certain harmless vanity was ever my besetting +weakness. I might, indeed, have hoped that, after my accident--but +see, my good lad, how pride may lurk, even in our very infirmities! +These artificial limbs have become a yet subtler snare to me than +even those they replaced. I had them constructed, as you see, of +the best mahogany--to match the furniture in my dining-room. With +ever-increasing pleasure, my eyes have gloried in their grain and +gloss, in the symmetry of their curves, in the more than Chinese +delicacy of their extremities, until gradually they have trampled upon +my better self, they have run away with all my possibilities of moral +usefulness! Yes, but this very moment, as I stood admiring their +contour at yonder window, the pernicious thought crossed my mind that +their appearance would be yet more enhanced if I had them _gilded_!" + +"But, your reverent Lordship," objected BRUSTLES, as the Bishop +paused, overcome by humiliation, "it's no use coming to _me_ for that +'ere job!" For, though but a poor boy, he was too honest to accept any +commission under false pretences. Gilding, he knew, might--and, in a +London atmosphere, soon would--become black, but no boot-polish would +ever assume the appearance, even of the blackest gilt, and so he +candidly explained to the Bishop. + +"I know, my boy," said the latter, patting BEN's head kindly with the +handle of his umbrella, "I know. Hence my application to your skill. +That presumptuous idea revealed as in a lightning flash the abyss on +the brink of which I stood. This demon of perverse pride must be +laid; humbled for ever. So ply your brushes, and see you spare not the +blacking!" + + +CHAPTER III. + +BRUSTLES obeyed--not without awe, and in a short space of time two +pots of blacking were exhausted, and the roseate glow of the Bishop's +mahogany limbs was for ever hidden under a layer of more than Nubian +ebony! + +"'Selp me, your lordly reverence," he cried, dazzled by the brilliancy +of the result; "but you might be took, below, for a Lifeguardsman!" + +[Illustration: Bilked by a Bishop.] + +"Hush," said the Bishop, though with a gratification he could not +restrain, "would you recall the demon I strove to exorcise! It is +true that the change is less of a disfigurement than I feared--ahem, +_hoped_--but after all, may not the wish to please the eye of man be +excusable? You shall receive a rich reward. Do you happen to have such +a thing as change for a five-pound note about you?" + +"Alas!" replied the lad, with ready presence of mind, "but I have only +just paid all my gold into my bank for the day!" + +"No matter," said the Bishop, gently. "I find I have a threepenny +bit, after all. It is yours!" And the good ecclesiastic, as if to +avoid thanks, moved nimbly off, though his eyes still sought the +shop-windows as he passed, with even greater complacency than before. + +BEN tested the threepenny bit between his teeth--it was a spurious +coin; he looked up, but his late customer was already passed out of +hearing of his sentiments. He sank down with his head laid amongst +his pots and brushes. "Bilked!" he moaned piteously, "bilked--and by a +blooming Bishop!" + + +CHAPTER IV. + +But mark the sequel. The good Bishop had been quite ignorant that the +threepenny bit was a pewter one; quite sincere, for the time, in his +determination to subdue his own weakness. Still it was not to be: +inbred pride is not so easily vanquished--even by Bishops! The Bishop +learned to glory in his blacking far more than he had ever done in the +original mahogany. He had it continually renewed, and with the most +expensive compositions. He would bend enraptured over the burnished +surfaces of his extended legs, gazing, like another Narcissus, at the +features he saw so faithfully repeated. + +Meanwhile the threepence, base as it was, became the humble instrument +of brighter fortunes to BRUSTLES; it showed a marvellous aptitude +for turning up tails, which BEN no sooner perceived than he availed +himself of a blessing that had, indeed, come to him in disguise! + +But the Bishop--what of him? Nemesis overtook him at last. The +discontent long smouldering in his diocese broke out into a climax. +Thousands of Curates, inflamed by professional agitators, went out on +strike, and their first victim was the Bishop of TIMBERTOWS, who was +discovered prostrate one dark night by his horrified Chaplain. He had +been picketed as a Blackleg! + +THE END. + + (_Copies of the above may be obtained for distribution, at + very reasonable terms, on application to the Author._) + + * * * * * + +PLAYTIME FOR A DOLL'S HOUSE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--According to a well-known Critic, writing of a +morning performance of _The Doll's House_ on Tuesday, the 27th ult., +at Terry's Theatre, "There is no need to discuss IBSEN's piece any +more." I will go a little further, and say, not only should the play +be spared discussion, but also performance. All that could be done for +this miserable drama (if a work utterly devoid of dramatic interest +can be so entitled) was effected some years since, when _Breaking a +Butterfly_, a version with Messrs. HERMAN and JONES as adapters, was +played at the Prince's (now Prince of Wales's) Theatre. I believe some +one or other has said that that version was misleading, because it +modified IBSEN, and did not reveal him in his true colours. This I can +readily believe, as my recollection of _Breaking a Butterfly_ merely +suggests boredom; whereas, when I consider _The Doll's House_ of +Tuesday, I distinctly mingle with boredom a recollection of something +that caused a feeling of absolute loathing. That something, I imagine, +must be the new matter which was absent from the first version, and +crops up in the text of the second, which, according to the Play-bill, +appears "in Vol. I. of the authorised edition of IBSEN's Prose Dramas, +edited by WILLIAM ARCHER, and published by Mr. WALTER SCOTT." By +the way, I must confess that, although the name of the Editor is +not familiar to me as a dramatic author, his superintendence of the +authorised text seems to have been performed sufficiently creditably +to have rendered him as worthy of an honourable prefix as the +publisher. Why omit the "Mr."? Now I come to think of it, there is +an Englishman, not unconnected with dramatic literature, who is known +nowadays as WILLIAM, without the prefix of Mister, but in his own time +he was known as Master WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, and Master he remains. +"But this," as Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, "is quite another +WILLIAM." + +[Illustration: Fancy Picture of Hanwellian Admirer of the Ibsenesque +Drama thoroughly enjoying himself.] + +I have not the original for reference handy, but the version played +at Terry's Theatre bears internal evidence of a close translation. An +adapter, I fancy, with a free hand would scarcely have made one of the +characters use the same exit speech on two occasions. _Nils Krogstad_ +does this. He can think of nothing better than, "If I am flung into +the gutter, you shall accompany me," repeated twice with the slight +variation, "If I am flung into the gutter for the second time, you +shall accompany me," used for the last exit. Again, _Torvald Helmer_ +has a long monologue in the final Act that a practised playwright +would have "broken up" with the assistance of a portrait, or a letter, +or something. From this it would appear that the Editor, WILLIAM +ARCHER (without the "Mr.") has very faithfully produced the exact +translation of the original. To be hypercritical, I might suggest +that perhaps occasionally the version is rather _too_ literal. For +instance, _Torvald Helmer_, although he is cursed with one of the most +offensive wives known to creation, would scarcely call her "a little +lark," which conveys the impression that he is a "gay dog," and +one given to the traditional ways of that species of ultra-sociable +animals. I have confessed I have not the original before me, so I +cannot say whether the title used by IBSEN is "_Smalle Larke_," but +I fancy that a "capering capercailzie," if not actually his _words_, +would be nearer his _meaning_. A capercailzie is, according to the +dictionaries, a bird of "a delicious flavour" and partially "green;" +it is also found in Norway "very fine and large," as IBSEN might say. +Surely _Torvald_ would have thus described his semi-verdant _Nora_, +finding her distinctly to his taste. + +Returning to what I venture to imagine must be "new matter" not in the +Herman-_plus_-Jonesian version, I consider the scene in which _Nora_ +chaffs _Dr. Rank_ about his illness absolutely nauseous, and the +drink-inspired admiration of husband for wife in the concluding Act +repulsive to the last degree. On Tuesday the spectators received the +piece with patient apathy; and, this being the case, I could not help +feeling that anyone who could single out such a play as suitable for +performance before an English audience, could scarcely possess the +acumen generally considered a necessary adjunct to the qualifications +of an efficient Dramatic Critic. The hero, the heroine, the doctor, +as prigs, could only appeal to prigs, and thank goodness the average +London theatre-goer is the reverse of a prig. There was but one +redeeming point in the play--its conclusion. It ends happily in +_Nora_, forger, liar, and--hem--wedded flirt, being separated from her +innocent children. + +For the rest, the piece was fairly well acted. But when the Curtain +had fallen for the last time, and the audience were departing more in +sadness than in anger, I could not help asking myself the question, +Had the advantages obtained in witnessing the performance balanced +the expense incurred in securing a seat? I am forced to reply in the +negative, as I sign myself regretfully, + +ONE WHO PAID FOR A PLACE IN THE PIT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +I see three ladies in a drawing-room, each with a green volume. "What +is it?" No, they won't hear. Each one is intent on her volume, and an +irritable answer, in a don't bother kind of manner, is all that I can +obtain. The novel is Miss BRADDON's latest, _One Life, One Love_ (but +three volumes, for all that), in which they are absorbed. Later on, +at intervals, I get the volumes, and, raven-like, secrete them. I can +quite understand the absorption of my young friends. Marvellous, Miss +BRADDON! Very few have approached you in sensation-writing, and none +in keeping up sensationalism as fresh as ever it was when first I +sat up at night nervously to read _Aurora Floyd_, and _Lady Audley's +Secret_. In this bad time of year (I am writing when the snow is +without, and the North-East wind is engaged in cutting leaves), the +Baron recommends remaining indoors with this Three-volume Novel as +a between lunch and dinner companion, only don't take it up to your +bed-room, and sit over the fire with it, or--but there, I won't +mention the consequences. Keep it till daylight doth appear. The +Baron being a busy man--no, Sir, not a busy-body,--is grateful to the +authors of good short stories in Magazines. Many others agree with the +Baron, who wishes to recommend "Saint or Satan" in _The Argosy_; +The story of an "Old Beau," which might have been advantageously +abbreviated in _Scribner_; an odd tale entitled, "The Phantom +Portrait," in the _Cornhill_; which leaves the reader in doubt as to +whether he has been egregiously "sold" or not; and, above all, the +short and interesting--too short and most interesting--paper on +THACKERAY, in _Harper's Monthly_, with fac-similes of some of the +great humorist's most eccentric and most spirited illustrations, +conceived in the broadly burlesquing spirit that was characteristic +of GILRAY and ROWLANDSON. THACKERAY, philosopher and satirist, who +can take us behind the scenes of every show in _Vanity fair_, who +can depict the career of the scoundrel _Barry Lyndon_, of the +heathen _Becky Sharp_, and the death-bed of the Christian soldier and +gentleman, _dignissimus, Colonel Newcome_, could on occasion, and when +a rollicking spirit moved him, put on a pantomime mask (have we not +his own pathetic vignette representing him doing this?) to amuse the +children, or give us some rare burlesque writing and drawing to set us +all on the broad grin. The Baron trusts that Mrs. RITCHIE will give +us more of this, and sincerely hopes that there may be a "lot more" +caricatures in that portfolio "where these came from." I heartily +thank you for so much, and respectfully ask for more, says yours, very +gratefully, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + + Strong man and strenuous fighter, stricken down + Just when foes owned thee neither knave nor clown! + The fiercest of them, time-taught, need not fear + To drop a blossom now on BRADLAUGH's bier. + + * * * * * + +ARTHUR AND COMPOSER.--Saturday, January 31.--First night of SULLIVAN's +_Ivanhoe_ in D'OYLEY CARTE's new Theatre. Full inside, all right. +Sir ARTHUR's success. We congratulate him Arthurly, CARTE called +before horse,--should say before Curtain, but t'other came so +naturally,--looked pale,--quite _carte blanche_; but, like SULLIVAN's +music, composed. Could get a CARTE, but no cab. Gallant gentlemen and +delicate ladies braving rain and slosh. More in our next, but for the +present ... (_Paroxysm of sneezing_). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. AN ICE PICTURE. + +_Fair Damsel_. "WHAT A LOT OF HOLIDAYS YOU SEEM TO GET, MR. MINIVER!" + +_Pet Curate_. "WELL, YES. I KEEP A RECTOR, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT DO _YOU_ THINK? + + (_A Song of the Session, as sung by that Eminent and Evergreen + Lion Comique_, "JOLLY GLAD" _at the St. Stephen's Hall of + Varieties, Westminster_.) + +JOLLY GLAD, _sings_:-- + + With a flower in my coat, + With a keen eye for a vote, + And a sense the things to note, + Buff and Blue think, + With fond millions to admire, + A last triumph to desire,-- + Am I going to _Retire_?-- + What do _you_ think? + Oh, I know the quidnuncs vapour, + And that _Tadpole_, yes, and _Taper_, + Tell in many a twaddling paper, + What the few think; + But _they_ cater for the classes, + Whilst _I'm_ champion of the masses, + Fly before such braying asses?-- + What do _you_ think? + Wish is father to their thought, + Their wild hope with fear is fraught. + They are not _au fait_ to aught + Liberals true think. + They imagine "Mr. Fox" + Has delivered such hard knocks + That _impasse_ my pathway blocks!-- + What do _you_ think? + Just inspect me, if you please! + Is my pose not marked by ease? + _Am_ I going at the knees, + Like a "screw" Think! + Pooh! The part of Sisyphus + Suits me well. Why make a fuss? + Eh? Retire,--and leave things thus? + What do _you_ think? + On the--say the Lyric Stage-- + For some years I've been the rage, + And some histrios touched by age + Of Adieu think. + But I'm like that "Awful Dad," + Though this makes my rivals mad, + Don't true Gladdyites feel glad? + What do you think? + I'm a genuine Evergreen; + It is that excites their spleen + Who my lingering on the scene + A great "do" think. + I regret, _so_ much, to tease them! + My last exit would much ease them. + But Retire!--and just to please them! + What do _you_ think? + + [_Winks and walks round._ + + * * * * * + +A DREAMY MADNESS. + + The other night I went to bed,-- + It may seem strange, but still I did it,-- + And laid to rest my weary head + So that the bed-clothes nearly hid it; + Which was perhaps the reason why + My brain throughout the night was teeming + With truly wondrous sights, and I + Was wholly given o'er to dreaming. + + 'Twas on the Twenty-first of May, + The streets were filled to overflowing, + The streets, that in a curious way + Were clean although it kept on snowing. + The daily papers for a change + Came out each day without a leader, + But, what was surely rather strange, + They didn't lose a single reader! + + I saw a Bishop in a tram, + Although he knew it was a Sunday; + The lion lay down with the lamb, + And CLEMENT SCOTT with SYDNEY GRUNDY. + Professor HUXLEY said, "In truth + I'm really sick to death of rows," and + Wrote there and then to General BOOTH + To put his name down for a thousand. + + I heard that Mr. PARNELL wrote + (Much to McCARTHY's jubilation) + A very kind and civil note, + In which he sent his resignation; + Whilst ANDREW LANG with weary air + Professed himself completely staggered + To think how anyone could care + To read a line of RIDER HAGGARD. + + The House of Commons talked about + The case of Mr. BRADLAUGH--whether + The Motion which has kept him out + Should now be struck out altogether; + And OLD MORALITY arose + To say they felt no ancient _animus_, + And when they voted, why of Noes + There wasn't one--they were _unanimous_! + + * * * * * + + I started up, no more to sleep, + The dream somehow had seemed to spoil it, + Nor did it take me long to leap + Out of my bed and make my toilet. + I went down-stairs, and with surprise + I thought of those my dream had slandered, + And there, before my very eyes, + _I saw it printed in the_ STANDARD! + + I wish I hadn't gone to bed. + I can't imagine why I did it. + Nor why I laid my weary head + So that the clothes completely hid it. + Although I think that must be why + My brain has ever since been teeming; + But tell me (if you can) am I + At present mad, or _was_ I dreaming? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "RETIRE!--WHAT DO _YOU_ THINK?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE STOPPING OR REMOVAL OF A "GRINDER." + +A SKETCH IN THE STREETS.] + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON, the new indestructible cloth. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON is a stubborn and inflexible material. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON is made, by a new process, from blockwood and +paving-stones. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON, used for gentlemen's coats, will not only keep out +rain and wind, but thunder and lightning. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON never breaks or bends, but only bursts. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON.--A "PURCHASER" writes--"I sat down in a pair of your +trousers, but could never get up again." + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON.--Another "CUSTOMER" says--"The dress-coat you +supplied me with fitted me well. I could not take it off without +having recourse to a sledge-hammer." + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply the cheapest and worst in the market. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, hand-picked by the Duke himself, on whose +property the mines are situated. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, carefully selected, screened and delivered +(in the dark), anywhere within a ten-mile radius of Charing Cross at +9s. 6_d_, a ton, for cash on delivery. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply a wonderful article at the price. +Throws down a heavy brown ash. No flame, no heat. Frequently explodes, +scattering the contents of the grate over the largest room. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY beg to refer intending purchasers to the +accompanying testimonial: "Gentlemen,--Do what I will, I cannot +get your coals to light. Put on in sufficient quantity they will +extinguish any fire. I have worn out three drawing-room pokers in my +endeavours to stir them into a flame, but all to no purpose. Steeped +in petroleum, they might possibly ignite in a double-draught furnace, +though I fancy they would put it out. They are as you advertise them, +a 'show coal for summer use.' Don't send me any more." + + * * * * * + +CHARLIE AND SARAH. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Why should ARISTOTLE be the only author whose works +get discovered? I found the following story, written on papyrus, and +enclosed in a copper cylinder, in my back garden, and I am positive +that it is not ARISTOTLE. Can it possibly have been written by that +amiable and instructive authoress whose stories for children have +recently been reprinted? Yours, &c., HENRY ST. OTLE. + +CHARLIE was a very obedient little boy, and his sister SARAH was +a good, patient little girl. One beautiful summer's day they went +to stay for a week with their Uncle WILLIAM, a man of very high +principles, who was not quite used to the proper method with children. +On the evening of their arrival, as they were seated in front of the +fire, CHARLIE lifted up his bright, obedient, beautiful face, and +said, thoughtfully: + +"Pray, Uncle WILLIAM, cannot we have one of those instructive and +amusing conversations such as children love, about refraction, and +relativity, and initial velocity, and Mesopotamia generally?" + +"Oh, yes, Uncle WILLIAM!" said SARAH, pausing to wipe her patient +little nose; "Our dear Papa is always so pleasant and polysyllabic on +these subjects." + +Then Uncle WILLIAM regretted that he had paid less attention in his +youth to the shilling science primers, but he pulled himself together +and determined to do his best. "Certainly, my dear children, nothing +could please me more. Now here I have a jug and a glass. You will +observe that I pour some water from the jug into the glass. This +illustrates one of the properties of water. Can you tell me what I +mean?" + +"Fluidity!" said both the children, with enthusiasm. + +"Yes, quite so, and--er--er--has a brick fluidity?" + +"Why, no, Uncle WILLIAM!" + +"Well--er--_why_ hasn't it?" asked Uncle WILLIAM, with something +almost like desperation in his voice. + +"That, Uncle," said the obedient CHARLIE, "is one of the things which +we should like to learn from you to-night." + +"Yes, we shall come to that; but, in order to make you understand it +better, I must carry my experiment a little further. In this decanter +I have what is called whiskey. I pour some of it into the water. +Now it is more usual to put the whiskey in first, and the water +afterwards. Can you tell me why that is so? Think it out for +yourselves." And Uncle WILLIAM smiled genially. + +There was silence for a few moments. Then little SARAH said, timidly: +"I think it must be because, when a man wishes to drink, whiskey is +the first thing which naturally occurs to his mind. He does not think +about water until afterwards." + +"Quite right. That is the explanation of the scientists. And why do +you think I put in the water first and the whiskey afterwards?" + +"It was," said CHARLIE, brightly, "in order that we might not see so +exactly how much whiskey you took." + +"No, that's quite wrong. I did it out of sheer originality. Now what +would happen if I drank this curious mixture?" + +"You would be breaking the pledge, Uncle WILLIAM," said both children, +promptly and heartily. + +"Wrong again. I should be acting under doctor's orders." + +"Why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, patiently. + +"Don't interrupt, my dear child. We're coming to that. Now, CHARLIE, +when you eat or drink anything, where does it go?" + +"It goes into my little--oh, no, Uncle, I cannot say that word," +and CHARLIE, who was of a singularly modest and refined disposition, +buried his face in his hands, and blushed deeply. + +"Admirable!" exclaimed Uncle WILLIAM. "One cannot be too refined. Call +it the blank. It goes into your blank. Well, whiskey raises the tone +of the blank. Just as, when you screw up the peg of a violin, you +raise the tone of the string. By drinking this I raise the tone of my +blank." He suited the action to the word. + +"Now you'll be screwed," said CHARLIE, "like the pegs of the--" + +"On one glass of weak whiskey-and-water--never!" + +"But why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, quite patiently. + +"First of all, listen to this. That whiskey-and-water is now inside +me. I want you to understand what _inside_ means. Go and stand in the +passage, and shut the door of this room after you." + +"But, Uncle," said SARAH, patiently, "why hasn't a brick any--" + +"Hush, SARAH, hush!" said the obedient CHARLIE. "It is our duty to +obey Uncle WILLIAM in all things." + +So the two children went out of the room, and shut the door after +them. Uncle WILLIAM went to the door, and locked it. + +"Now then," he said, cheerily, "I am inside. And where are you?" + +"Outside." + +"Yes--and outside you'll stop. One of the servants will put you to +bed." And Uncle WILLIAM went back to the decanter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER SCENE FROM THE PANTOMIME AT ST. STEPHEN'S. + +_The Illuminated Doorway. Brilliant effect lately introduced into the +House of Commons._] + + * * * * * + +A DEAD FROST. + + When I saw you on "a January morning," + With a very little pair of skates indeed, + And the frosty glow your fairy face adorning, + I was suddenly from other passions freed. + And the year at its imperial beginning + Showed the woman who alone was worth the winning; + Though the growing flame awhile I tried to smother + Like a brother; + And that's a very common phase indeed, + As we read. + + My hat and stick I suddenly found fleeting, + And they whistled o'er the surface, smooth and black, + And the ice, with an unwonted warmth of greeting, + Slapt me suddenly and hard upon the back. + I didn't mind your laughing, if the laughter + Had left no sting of scorn to rankle after. + Though I'd joyously have flung myself before you + To adore you, + Still to sit with all one's might upon the ice + Isn't nice. + + When I met you in the lordly local ball-room, + Where you queen'd it, the suburban world's desire, + Though your programme for my name had left but small room, + I somehow snatched five valses from the fire. + And I did stout supper-service for your mother, + While you wove the self-same spells o'er many another, + And I said, no doubt, the sort of things that they did, + In the shaded + Little nook beneath the palms upon the stair, + To my fair. + + But I noticed, as I learned to know you better, + And you ceased to wile the victim at your feet, + There was very little silk about the fetter, + And 'twere flattery to say your sway was sweet: + Nay, you made the light and airy shrine of beauty + A centre for the most exacting duty, + And the fealty of the family undoubting + Met with flouting, + As a tribute which was nothing but your due, + As they knew. + + Your Papa is getting elderly and bulky, + And he loves you as the apple of his eye, + Yet very little things will make you sulky, + And to meet his little ways you never try. + And I see him look a trifle hurt and puzzled, + And his love for you is often check'd and muzzled; + Yet I think, upon the whole, that I would rather + Be your father, + Than the lover you could torture at your ease, + If you please. + + * * * * * + +STRANGE, BUT TRUE. + +Sir,--Under the heading of "Ecclesiastical Intelligence" in the +_Times_ of Saturday, I read that, "The LORD CHANCELLOR has preferred +the Rev. W.R. WELCH, of Hull, to the Vicarage of Withernwick, East +Yorkshire," I presume the LORD CHANCELLOR knows both the gentleman +and the place thoroughly, and so wisely elects which he prefers; but +to one who, like myself and thousands of others, know neither, it +strikes me that I would certainly prefer the place to the parson, +however worthy. It is, indeed, gratifying to see that the Highest +Representative of Law and Order in the realm, after HER GRACIOUS +MAJESTY, is so utterly uninfluenced by any mercenary motives. I send +this by Private Post, an old soldier, and am yours enthusiastically, + +NOODLE DE NOODLE. + +_The Retreat, Hanwell-on-Sea._ + + * * * * * + +"BETTER LATE THAN NEVER."--Two Jurymen, says a paragraph in last +Saturday's _Times_, wrote to the Solicitor acting for a female +prisoner, one CUTLER, who had been convicted of perjury and sentenced +at Chester, to say that they "gave in to a verdict of Guilty because +it was very late, and one gentleman had an important business +engagement at home." This recalls the line, "And wretches hang that +Jurymen may dine." The remainder of ELLEN CUTLER's sentence of five +years' penal servitude is remitted. It is satisfactory to know that +these two had the courage of their opinions before it was too late. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SYMPATHETIC EGOISM OF GENIUS. + +(_A Study._) + +"DON'T RUN AWAY YET, OLD MAN! IT'S QUITE EARLY, AND I WANT TO HEAR ALL +ABOUT YOUR ACADEMY PICTURE, WHICH I'M TOLD IS SPLENDID." + + [_Proceeds to describe his_ own _at great length, and then + suddenly finds out how late it is, and bolts!_] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, Jan. 26._--PLUNKET undoubtedly the most +successful Commissioner of Works of recent times. A little coolness +sprung up between him and CAVENDISH BENTINCK about those staircases +in Westminster Hall. But _chacun a son_ idea of a staircase. PLUNKET +quite as likely to be right as C.B. Always doing something to improve +arrangements of House. Does it quietly, too; Members know nothing +about it till they come down and find new Smoking-room, fresh +arrangements of lights, new rooms for Ministers, and occasionally a +priceless old table adorning Tea-room. Various accounts of its origin. +Some say Magna Charta signed on it. Others fixing earlier date and +attracted by the initials "W.R." clearly carved on left leg, affirm +that it is the very table on which WILLIAM REX took his five o'clock +tea after Battle of Hastings. + +[Illustration: "Dear me!"] + +Latest surprise prepared by First Commissioner is illumination of +entrance to House from Lobby, cunningly effected by electric lights +set within recesses of arch. SCHNAD-HORST, revisiting House after +long interval, astonished at this. "Making things very comfortable in +anticipation of our coming in," he says, smiling sweetly. + +Later came upon NICHOLAS WOODS; found him standing in attitude of +patient and intelligent expectation. "What are you waiting there for?" +I asked. "Why don't you come in and hear SWINBURNE make one or two +speeches on Tithes Bill?" + +"Well--er--fact is," said NICHOLAS, steadfastly keeping his eyes +on archway, "WILFRID LAWSON told me that if I was here about eleven +o'clock I would see PLUNKET and the ATTORNEY-GENERAL come out under +the archway dancing a _pas de deux_. Couldn't make out when I arrived +what the illumination was for; asked LAWSON. 'Oh' says he, 'it's the +First Commissioner's reminiscence of one of the alcoves at Vauxhall +Gardens.' Then he told me about PLUNKET and WEBSTER. Thought I'd like +to see it. Do you think it's all right?" + +"Well," I said, "ALBERT ROLLIT _did_ tell me something about +ATTORNEY-GENERAL going on the Spree. But that was in Germany, and he +had his skates with him. Don't know how it'll be here. You mustn't +forget that WILFRID's something of a wag. Wouldn't advise you to wait +much after eleven o'clock." + +House engaged all night on Tithes Bill. Not particularly lively. +Towards midnight TANNER, preternaturally quiet since House met, +suddenly woke up, and, _a propos de bottes_, moved to report progress. +COURTNEY down on him like cartload of bricks; declined to put Motion, +declaring it abuse of forms of House. This rather depressing. In good +old times there would have been an outburst of indignation in Irish +camp; Chairman's ruling challenged, and squabble agreeably occupied +rest of evening. But times changed. No Irish present to back TANNER, +who, with despairing look round, subsided, and business went forward +without further check. + +_Business done_.--Tithes Bill in Committee. + +[Illustration: Exit!] + +_Tuesday_.--Mr. DICK DE LISLE came down to House to-night full of high +resolve. Hadn't yet been a Member of House when it shook from time +to time with the roar of controversy round BRADLAUGH, his oath, his +affirmation, and his stylographic pen. At that time was in Singapore, +helping Sir FREDERICK WELD to govern the Straits Settlement. But had +watched controversy closely, and had contributed to its settlement by +writing a luminous treatise, entitled, _The Parliamentary Oath_. Now, +by chance, the question cropped up again. BRADLAUGH had secured first +place on to-night's order for his Motion rescinding famous Resolution +of June, 1880, declaring him ineligible to take his seat. BRADLAUGH +ill in bed; sick unto death, as it seemed; but HUNTER had taken up +task for him, and would move Resolution. Of course the Government +would oppose it; if necessary, DE LISLE would assist them +with argument. In any case, they should have his vote. Heard +SOLICITOR-GENERAL with keen satisfaction. He showed not only the +undesirability and impossibility of acceding to proposition, but +denounced it as "absolutely childish." Mr. G. followed; but Mr. G. +said the same kind of things eleven years ago, when he was Leader of +triumphant party, and had been defeated again and again. Of course +same fate awaited him now. Government had spoken through mouth of +SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and there was an end on't. + +Not quite. STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, unaccustomed participant in debate, +presented himself. Stood immediately behind OLD MORALITY, by way of +testifying to his unaltered loyalty. At same time he suggested that, +after all, would be as well to humour BRADLAUGH and his friends, +and strike out Resolution. Then OLD MORALITY rose from side +of SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and, unmindful of that eminent Lawyer's +irresistible argument and uncompromising declaration, said, "on the +whole," perhaps NORTHCOTE was right, and so mote it be. + +The elect of Mid-Leicestershire gasped for air. Did his ears deceive +him, or was this the end of the famous BRADLAUGH incidents? OLD +MORALITY, in his cheerful way, suggested that, as they were doing the +thing, they had better do it unanimously. General cheer approved. DE +LISLE started to his feet. One voice, at least, should be heard in +protest against this shameful surrender. Began in half-choked voice: +evidently struggling against some strange temptation; talked about +the Parnell Commission; accused House of legalising atheism, and +whitewashing treason; argued at length with Mr. G. on doctrine of +excess of jurisdiction. Observed, as he went on, to be waving his +hands as if repelling some object; turned his head on one side as +if he would fain escape apparition; House looked on wonderingly. +At length, with something like subdued sob, DE LISLE gave way, and +Members learned what had troubled him. It was dear old _Mr. Dick's_ +complaint. Standing up to present his Memorial against tergiversation +of OLD MORALITY, DE LISLE could not help dragging in head of CHARLES +THE FIRST. "As a Royalist," he said, "I should maintain that the House +of Commons exceeded its jurisdiction when it ordered King CHARLES THE +FIRST to be beheaded, but I never heard that it was proposed, after +the Restoration, to expunge the Resolution from the books." + +Irreverent House went off into roars of laughter, amid which _Mr. +Dick_, more than ever bewildered, sat down, and presently went out +to ask _Miss Betsy Trottwood_ why they laughed. + +_Business done_.--Resolution of June, 1880, declaring BRADLAUGH +ineligible to sit, expunged from journals. + +_Thursday_.--As OLD MORALITY finely says, "The worm persistently +incommoded by inconvenient attentions will finally assume an +aggressive attitude." So it has proved to-night. SYDNEY GEDGE long +been object of contumelious attention. Members jeer at him when he +rises; talk whilst he orates; laugh when he is serious, are serious +when he is facetious. But the wounded worm has turned at last. SYDNEY +has struck. GEDGE has been goaded once too often. + +It was COURTNEY brought it about. Been six hours in Chair in Committee +on Tithes Bill; feeling faint and weary, glad to refresh himself with +sparkling conversation of Grand Young GARDNER; GEDGE on his feet at +moment in favourite oratorial attitude; pulverising Amendment moved by +GRAY; thought, as he proceeded, he heard another voice. Could it be? +Yes; it was Chairman of Committees conversing with frivolous elderly +young man whilst he (S.G.) was debating the Tithes Bill! Should he +pass over this last indignity? No; honour of House must be vindicated; +lofty standard of debate must be maintained; the higher the position +of offender the more urgent his duty to strike a blow. Was standing at +the moment aligned with Chair; paused in argument; faced about to the +right and marched with solemn steps to the end of Gangway, the Bench +having been desolated by his speech so far as it had gone. + +[Illustration: In revolt.] + +"Sir," he said, bending angry brows on Chairman, "I am afraid my +speech interrupted your conversation. Therefore I have moved further +away." + +That was all, but it was enough. HERBERT GARDNER slunk away, COURTNEY +hastily turned over pages of the Bill; hung down his guilty head, +and tried to look as if it were MILMAN who had been engaged in +conversation. Now MILMAN was asleep. + +_Business done_.--Level flow of Debate on Tithes Bill interrupted by +revolt of SYDNEY GEDGE. + +_Friday_.--Rather a disappointing evening from Opposition point of +view. In advance, was expected to be brilliant field-night. Irish +Administration to be attacked all along line; necessity for new +departure demonstrated. SHAW-LEFEVRE led off with Resolution demanding +establishment of Courts of Arbitration. Large muster of Members. Mr. +G. in his place; expected to speak; but presently went off; others +fell away, and all the running made from Ministerial Benches. +SHAW-LEFEVRE roasted mercilessly. House roared at SAUNDERSON's +description of his going to interview SULTAN, and being shown into +stable to make acquaintance of SULTAN's horse. Prince ARTHUR turned +on unhappy man full blast of withering scorn. Don't know whether +SHAW-LEFEVRE felt it; some men rather be kicked than not noticed at +all; but Liberals felt they had been drawn into ridiculous position, +and murmured bad words. "What's the use," they ask, "of winning +Hartlepool out of doors, if things are so managed that we are made +ridiculous within?" + +_Business done_.--SHAW-LEFEVRE's Resolution on Irish Land Question +negatived by 213 Votes against 152. + + * * * * * + +"THERMIDOR" UP TO DATE. + +(_TONED DOWN FOR ENGLISH RECEPTION._) + + _Last Act--On the road to the Guillotine--Hero, instead of + Heroine, about to be executed--Heroine imploring Hero to sign + paper._ + +_Heroine_. Attach but your signature, and you are free! + +_Hero_ (_after reading document in a tone of horror_). What, a vow to +marry, with the prospect of a breach of promise case to follow! Never! +Death is preferable! [_Exit to be guillotined. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +AN ARTIST AND A WHISTLER.--M. COQUELIN has summoned M. LISSAGARAY for +having thrown a whistle at him on the night of the _Thermidor_ row. It +is to be hoped that by this time M. LISSAGARAY will have been made to +pay for his whistle. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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