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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13074-0.txt b/13074-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9cf4f15 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1381 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13074 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +February 7, 1891. + + + + +THE "MODEL HUSBAND" CONTEST. + +SCENE THE FIRST--_AT THE GALAHAD-GREENS'_. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ GALAHAD! + +_Mr. G.-G._ (_meekly_). My love? + +[Illustration] + +_Mrs. G.-G._ I see that the proprietors of _All Sorts_ are going to +follow the American example, and offer a prize of £20 to the wife +who makes out the best case for her husband as a Model. It's just as +well, perhaps, that you should know that I've made up my mind to enter +_you_! + +_Mr. G.-G._ (_gratified_). My dear CORNELIA! really, I'd no idea you +had such a-- + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Nonsense! The drawing-room carpet is a perfect disgrace, +and, as you can't, or won't, provide the money in any _other_ way, +why--Would you like to hear what I've said about you? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Well, if you're sure it wouldn't he troubling you too +much, I _should_, my dear. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Then sit where I can see you, and listen. (_She reads._) +"Irreproachable in all that pertains to morality"--(and it would +be a bad day indeed for you, GALAHAD, if I ever had cause to think +_otherwise_.')--"morality; scrupulously dainty and neat in his +person"--(ah, you may well blush, GALAHAD, but, fortunately, they +won't want me to _produce_ you!)--"he imports into our happy home the +delicate refinement of a _preux chevalier_ of the olden time." (Will +you kindly take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) "We rule +our little kingdom with a joint and equal sway, to which jealousy +and friction are alike unknown; he, considerate and indulgent to +my womanly weakness,"--(You need not stare at me in that perfectly +idiotic fashion!)--"I, looking to him for the wise and tender support +which has never yet been denied. The close and daily scrutiny of +many years has discovered"--(What are you shaking like _that_ +for?)--"discovered no single weakness; no taint or flaw of character; +no irritating trick of speech or habit." (How often have I told you +that I will _not_ have the handle of that paper-knife sucked? Put it +down; do!) "His conversation--sparkling but ever spiritual--renders +our modest meals veritable feasts of fancy and flows of soul ... +_Well_, GALAHAD? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Nothing, my dear; nothing. It struck me as well,--a trifle +_flowery_, that last passage, that's all! + +_Mrs. G.-G._ (_severely_). If I cannot expect to win the prize without +descending to floweriness, whose fault is _that_, I should like to +know? If you can't make sensible observations, you had better not +speak at all. (_Continuing_,) "Over and over again, gathering me in +his strong loving arms, and pressing fervent kisses upon my forehead, +he has cried, 'Why am I not a Monarch that so I could place a diadem +upon that brow? With such a Consort, am I not doubly crowned?'" Have +you anything to say to _that_, GALAHAD? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Only, my love, that I--I don't seem to remember having +made that particular remark. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Then make it _now_. I'm sure I wish to be as accurate as +I _can_. [Mr. G.-G. _makes the remark--but without fervour._ + + +SCENE THE SECOND--_AT THE MONARCH-JONES'_. + +_Mr. M.-J._ Twenty quid would come in precious handy just now, after +all I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch that prize if I can--so +just you sit down, GRIZZLE, and write out what I tell you; do you +hear? + +_Mrs. M.-J._ (_timidly_). But, MONARCH, dear, would that be quite +_fair_? No, don't be angry, I didn't mean that--I'll write whatever +you please! + +_Mr. M.-J._ You'd _better_, that's all! Are you ready? I must screw +myself up another peg before I begin. (_He screws._) Now, then. +(_Stands over her and dictates._) "To the polished urbanity of a +perfect gentleman, he unites the kindly charity of a true Christian." +(Why the devil don't you learn to write decently, eh?) "Liberal, and +even lavish, in all his dealings, he is yet a stern foe to every +kind of excess"--(Hold on a bit, I must have another nip after +that)--"every kind of excess. Our married life is one long dream of +blissful contentment, in which each contends with the other in loving +self-sacrifice." (Haven't you corked all that down _yet_!) "Such +cares and anxieties as he has, he conceals from me with scrupulous +consideration as long as possible"--(Gad, I should be a fool +if I _didn't_!)--"while I am ever sure of finding in him a +patient and sympathetic listener to all my trifling worries and +difficulties."--(_Two_ f's in difficulties, you little fool--can't you +even _spell_?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, he has +rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly emotion, 'Oh, that +I were more worthy of such a pearl among women! With such a helpmate, +I am indeed to be envied!'" That _ought_ to do the trick. If I don't +romp in after that!--(_Observing that Mrs. M.-J.'s shoulders are +convulsed._) What the dooce are you giggling at _now_? + +_Mrs. M.-J._ I--I wasn't giggling, MONARCH dear, only-- + +_Mr. M.-J._ Only _what_? _Mrs. M.-J._ Only crying! + + +THE SEQUEL. + +"The Judges appointed by the spirited proprietors of _All Sorts_ +to decide the 'Model Husband Contest'--which was established on +lines similar to one recently inaugurated by one of our New York +contemporaries--have now issued their award. Two competitors have sent +in certificates which have been found equally deserving of the prize; +viz., Mrs. CORNELIA GALAHAD-GREEN, Graemair Villa, Peckham, and Mrs. +GRISELDA MONARCH-JONES, Aspen Lodge, Lordship Lane. The sum of Twenty +Pounds will consequently be divided between these two ladies, to +whom, with their respective spouses, we beg to tender our cordial +felicitations."--(_Extract from Daily Paper, some six months hence._) + + * * * * * + +CRUMMLES REDIVIVUS! + +[Illustration] + +For some months Society has been on the tip-toe of expectation with +regard to the new Tragedy by Mr. SHAKSPEARE SMITHSON, which is to +inaugurate the magnificent Theatre, built at a sumptuous and total +disregard of expense by Mr. DILEY PUFF, a lineal descendant of the +great PUFF family, by intermarriage with the more recent CRUMMLES's, +expressly for the performance of the genuine English Drama. A veil of +secrecy has, however, been drawn over all the arrangements connected +with the new production. One after another the Author, the Manager, +and the leading Actors were appealed to in vain. Finally, one of +Our Representatives taking his courage in both hands, brought it and +himself safely to the stage-door of the new theatre, and knocked. +After some hesitation he was admitted by an intelligent boy, who, +however, at first seemed indisposed to be drawn into conversation, +though he admitted he had been engaged for the responsible post +of call-boy at an inadequate salary. Our Representative managed to +interest the lad in the inspection of a numismatic representation of +Her Most Gracious Majesty, which he happened to have brought with him +on the back of half-a-crown, and with which Our Representative toyed, +holding it between the thumb and dexter finger of the right hand. We +give the result in Our Representative's own words:-- + +"Come this way," said the boy, on whom the sight of the coin seemed +to operate like some weird talisman, leading me to a remote part +of the stage, the floor of which had been tastefully littered with +orange-peel in a variety of patterns; "we shall be comfortabler." + +"Now tell me," I said, "about this new piece." + +"It's what they call a Tragedy," said the boy. + +"Ah!" I replied, "that is interesting; but I want to know about the +Author. What do you think of him?" + +"The horther? Oh my!" said the precocious lad, producing an apple from +his trousers' pocket, but his right eye still fixed on the talisman, +"'e don't count. Why we none of us pays no attention to 'im. Crikey, +you should 'a seen 'im come a cropper on his nut down them new steps. +But, look 'ere, Sir," he continued, more solemnly, "I'm a tellin' +yer secrets, I am; and if DILEY were to 'ear of it, I'd get a proper +jacketin'. Swear you won't peach." + +I gave the requisite pledge. "And that ere arf-crown?" he said. I +nodded assent to what was evidently in his mind. Then he resumed. +"It's a beautiful piece. The play, I mean," he explained; being +fearful lest I should consider him as over-eager for the coveted and +covenanted reward. "I'm sure o' that. The horther says so, and DILEY +says so, and Miss O'GRADY says so; she's got the 'eroine to play,--and +oh, don't she die in the lawst Act just proper, with pink light and +a couple o' angels to carry 'er up! Then there's Mr. KEANE 'ARRIS, 'e +touches 'em all up with 'is sword, 'places his back to the wall, and +defies the mob,' is what the book says. So you may take it from me, +it's fust-rate." + +I thanked my intelligent little friend for his information, and was +proceeding to put a further question about the music for this new +Drama, which, as everyone will soon know, is to be a real _chef +d'oeuvre_ of Sir HAUTHOR SUNNIVUN, when a step was heard approaching +across the stage--the deepest, by the way, in London--to where we were +talking. + +"That's 'im," said the boy, trembling. "'E's a noble-'earted master, +so kind and generous, but 'e 'ates deception, and it would be more +than my place is worth to let 'im catch me talking these 'ere dead +secrets to you. Give us the coin. I'm orf!" + +And, before I was able to carry out my portion of the contract, he was +gone. And in another moment--so was I. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BRUIN JUNIOR. + +"May this be my poison, if my Bear ever dances but to the very +genteelest of tunes, '_Water-parted_,' or '_The Minuet in Ariadne.'" +She Stoops to Conquer_. + +_Viceroy_ (_to Miss India, loquitur_). "DON'T BE ALARMED, MY DEAR! +THIS BEAR NEVER DANCES BUT TO THE VERY GENTEELEST OF TUNES!" + +Lord LANSDOWNE, _loquitur_:-- + + Be easy, my darling! He doesn't come snarling, + Or rearing, or hugging, this young Dancing Bear. + With you (and with pleasure) he'll tread a gay measure, + A captive of courtesy, under my care; + His chain is all golden. Your heart 'twill embolden, + And calm that dusk bosom which timidly shrinks. + Sincere hospitality is, in reality, + Safest of shackles;--just look at the links! + + Alarmists saw ruin in prospects of Bruin, + The Great Northern Bear, treading India's soil. + How bogies may blind us! On our side the Indus + They fancy friend Ursa spies nothing but spoil; + But Ursa's _invited_ to come, and delighted + To visit you, not as aggressor, but guest. + So welcome him brightly, and treat him politely. + And trip with him lightly, you'll find it far best, + + ATTA TROLL (HEINE tells us) "danced nobly." Pride swells us + To think our young guest is a true ATTA TROLL; + No Bugbear, though shaggy, a trifle breech-baggy, + And not altogether a dandyish doll; + No Afghan intrigue, dear, or shy Native league, dear, + Has brought Bruin's foot o'er our frontier to dance: + He comes freely, boldly--don't look on him coldly, + Or make him suspect there is _fear_ in your glance. + + Be sure that the Lion will still keep his eye on + All Bears and their dens, in the Tiger's behalf; + Meanwhile Ursa Minor eschews base design, or + Intrigue against _you_, dear. Lift eyes, love, and laugh! + I'll answer for Bruin, he shall not take _you_ in-- + The Bear's _bona fides_ nobody impugns; + He asks a kind glance, and your hand in a dance; and + He'll dance "to the very genteelest of tunes"!] + + * * * * * + +THE UP-TO-DATE CONVERSATIONIST. + +_He_ (_at the end of a turn_). I see there's been a row in Chili--what +do you think about it? + +_She_. I don't know the place--isn't it somewhere in America? + +_He_. I shouldn't be surprised if it were, but my geography's shaky. I +rather fancy it's somehow connected with pickles. + +_She_. Oh, then it's a mistake their quarrelling, as I suppose it will +be hard upon the poor, especially during the winter? + +_He_. Fancy that's the idea. Been to the Guelph Exhibition? + +_She_. Yes, and I think it's a pity they took the jewels out of GEORGE +THE FOURTH's Crown. I should like to have seen the Koh-i-Noor. + +_He_. But they wanted them for the one at the Tower, don't you know, +and as for the Koh-i-Noor, was _that_ invented in his time? + +_She_. Perhaps it wasn't. Stay, wasn't it discovered by Captain COOK, +or DRAKE, or somebody? + +_He_. I daresay. I have never looked the matter up. _À propos_, +One-pound Bank-notes are to be issued. + +_She_. Are they? I suppose they will be useful for change? + +_He_. Shouldn't be astonished, but don't pretend to know anything +about it. By the way, do you take much interest in the subjects we +have been discussing? + +_She_. Not the faintest. + +_He_. No more do I! [_Waltz continued._ + + * * * * * + +DEARNESS AND DEARTH. + +"Spanish onions are rising in price, though probably only +temporarily."--_Daily News_. + +I. + + Will it be long, then--long? + For the people watch and wait, + Till the strength of the onion makes them strong, + At only the normal rate. + And their eyes are dim with tears, + And ache with the need of sleep. + And watch till the lapse of the lapsing years + Shall make the onions cheap. + Cheap, my love, cheap! Sleep, my love, sleep! + Onions are dear, love, but sentiment's cheap! + + II. + + Listen! Is it a voice + Calling--again--again, + Or a fragrance to make my heart rejoice + From the sunlit land of Spain? + Listen, my own, my bride, + While the glad tears dew your cheek, + They are fried, my bride, by the sad sea tide + With a smell that can almost speak + Creep, my love, creep into the deep, + And sing to the fishes that onions are cheap. + + * * * * * + +THE PROPOSED ONE-POUND NOTES.--"Ne-Goschenable currency." + + * * * * * + +AN ELEGY ON A MAD DOG. + +(_AFTER GOLDSMITH, MORE OR LESS._) + + Good patriots all of every sort, + Give ear unto my song, + For if in substance it is short, + In moral it is strong. + + [Illustration] + + At Hawarden lived a Grand Old Man, + Of whom the world might say, + A wondrous lengthy race he ran, + And won it all the way. + + [Illustration] + + Some swore he'd veer to catch a vote; + Old age to flout one loathes, + But, if he never turned his coat, + He often changed his clothes. + + [Illustration] + + Hard by an Irish dog was found, + As many dogs there be, + Hibernian mongrel, puppy, hound, + And curs of low degree. + + This dog and man at first seemed friends, + But, when a pique began, + The dog, to gain his private ends, + Went mad, and bit the man! + + [Illustration] + + To see so strange and sad a sight + Quidnuncs and _gobemouches_ ran, + And swore the dog was rabid quite + To bite that Grand Old Man. + + [Illustration] + + The wound indeed seemed sore and sad + To every party eye, + And while they swore the dog was mad, + They swore the man must die. + + [Illustration] + + But marvels sometimes come to light + Rash prophets to belie. + The man seems healing of the bite, + The dog looks like to die! + + * * * * * + +Remarkable Conversion. + +"CANON TEIGNMOUTH SHORE proposes to convert the two Convocations." ... +that is startling without the context--"into one National Synod." But +two into one won't go. How will he manage it? Will those in the York +ship join the Canterbury, or _vice versâ_? Or, quitting both ships, +will they land on common ground? "Who's for SHORE?" + + * * * * * + +PAR ABOUT PICTURES.--"_Over the Garden Wall_," seems to be the song +that Mr. G.S. ELGOOD sings at the Fine Art Society's Gallery. In the +course of his travels he has been over a good many garden walls. +At Wroxton, Compton Wynyates, Penshurst, Montacute, Berkeley, and +Helmingham, he has pursued his studies to some purpose; the result +is an enjoyable collection of pictures, which he entitles, "A Summer +among the Flowers." + + * * * * * + +BRUSTLES' BISHOP. + +(_BY A MUDDLED MORALIST._) + +CHAPTER I. + +BEN BRUSTLES was only a poor shoeblack-boy who cleaned boots--ay, and +even shoes, for his daily bread. Such time as he could spare from his +avocation he devoted to diligent study of the doctrine of chance, as +exemplified in the practice of pitch-and-toss. Often and often, after +pitching and tossing in the cold wet streets for long weary hours, +he would return home without a halfpenny. Think of this, ye more +fortunate youths, who sit at home at ease, and play Loto for nuts! But +through all his vicissitudes, BEN kept a stout heart, never losing his +conviction that something--he knew not what--would eventually turn up. +Sometimes it was heads, at others tails: and in either case the poor +boy lost money by it--but he persevered notwithstanding, confident +that Fortune would favour him at last. It is this spirit of undaunted +enterprise that has made our England what it is! + +[Illustration: Brustles Blacking.] + +And one day Fortune did favour him. He observed, as he knelt before +his box, a portly and venerable person close by, who was engrossed +in studying, with apparent complacency, his own reflection in a +plate-glass shop-front. So naïve a display of personal vanity, in +one whose dress and demeanour denoted him a Bishop, not unnaturally +excited BENJAMIN's interest, nor was this lessened when the stranger, +after shaking his head reproachfully at his reflected image, advanced +to the shoe-black's box as if in obedience to a sudden impulse. + +"My lad," he said, with a certain calm dignity, "will you be so good +as to black both my legs for me--at once?" + +This unusual request, conceived as it was on a larger scale than the +orders he habitually received, startled the youth, particularly as +he noted that the symmetrical and well-turned limb which the Bishop +extended consisted, like its fellow, of a rare and costly species of +mahogany, and shone with the rich and glossy hue of a newly-fallen +horse-chestnut, "I see," commented the Bishop, with a melancholy +smile, "that you have already discovered that my lower members are +the product--not of Nature, but of Art. It was not always thus with +me--but in my younger days I was an ardent climber--indeed, I am still +an Honorary Member of the Hampstead Heath Alpine Club. Many years +since, whilst scaling Primrose Hill, I was compelled, by a sudden +storm, to take refuge in a half-way hut, where I passed the night, +exposed to all the rigours of an English Midsummer! When I awoke +I found, to my surprise, that both my legs had been bitten by the +relentless frost short off immediately below the knee, and I had to +continue the ascent next day in a basket. On descending, I caused +these substitutes to be fashioned, and on them I stumped my way to +the exalted position I now fill, nor have I ever evinced any physical +inconveniences from my misfortune, save in one particular--that it +has rendered the assumption of gaiters unhappily out of the question! +But, possibly, my wish to have these legs of mine disguised by your +pigments, strikes you as bizarre, if not positively eccentric? You +will better understand my reasons after you have heard a confession +which, though necessary, is, believe me, painful to make." And the +good old man, after a short internal struggle, began the following +narrative, which we reserve for a succeeding chapter. + + +CHAPTER II. + +"Even as a Curate, a certain harmless vanity was ever my besetting +weakness. I might, indeed, have hoped that, after my accident--but +see, my good lad, how pride may lurk, even in our very infirmities! +These artificial limbs have become a yet subtler snare to me than +even those they replaced. I had them constructed, as you see, of +the best mahogany--to match the furniture in my dining-room. With +ever-increasing pleasure, my eyes have gloried in their grain and +gloss, in the symmetry of their curves, in the more than Chinese +delicacy of their extremities, until gradually they have trampled upon +my better self, they have run away with all my possibilities of moral +usefulness! Yes, but this very moment, as I stood admiring their +contour at yonder window, the pernicious thought crossed my mind that +their appearance would be yet more enhanced if I had them _gilded_!" + +"But, your reverent Lordship," objected BRUSTLES, as the Bishop +paused, overcome by humiliation, "it's no use coming to _me_ for that +'ere job!" For, though but a poor boy, he was too honest to accept any +commission under false pretences. Gilding, he knew, might--and, in a +London atmosphere, soon would--become black, but no boot-polish would +ever assume the appearance, even of the blackest gilt, and so he +candidly explained to the Bishop. + +"I know, my boy," said the latter, patting BEN's head kindly with the +handle of his umbrella, "I know. Hence my application to your skill. +That presumptuous idea revealed as in a lightning flash the abyss on +the brink of which I stood. This demon of perverse pride must be +laid; humbled for ever. So ply your brushes, and see you spare not the +blacking!" + + +CHAPTER III. + +BRUSTLES obeyed--not without awe, and in a short space of time two +pots of blacking were exhausted, and the roseate glow of the Bishop's +mahogany limbs was for ever hidden under a layer of more than Nubian +ebony! + +"'Selp me, your lordly reverence," he cried, dazzled by the brilliancy +of the result; "but you might be took, below, for a Lifeguardsman!" + +[Illustration: Bilked by a Bishop.] + +"Hush," said the Bishop, though with a gratification he could not +restrain, "would you recall the demon I strove to exorcise! It is +true that the change is less of a disfigurement than I feared--ahem, +_hoped_--but after all, may not the wish to please the eye of man be +excusable? You shall receive a rich reward. Do you happen to have such +a thing as change for a five-pound note about you?" + +"Alas!" replied the lad, with ready presence of mind, "but I have only +just paid all my gold into my bank for the day!" + +"No matter," said the Bishop, gently. "I find I have a threepenny +bit, after all. It is yours!" And the good ecclesiastic, as if to +avoid thanks, moved nimbly off, though his eyes still sought the +shop-windows as he passed, with even greater complacency than before. + +BEN tested the threepenny bit between his teeth--it was a spurious +coin; he looked up, but his late customer was already passed out of +hearing of his sentiments. He sank down with his head laid amongst +his pots and brushes. "Bilked!" he moaned piteously, "bilked--and by a +blooming Bishop!" + + +CHAPTER IV. + +But mark the sequel. The good Bishop had been quite ignorant that the +threepenny bit was a pewter one; quite sincere, for the time, in his +determination to subdue his own weakness. Still it was not to be: +inbred pride is not so easily vanquished--even by Bishops! The Bishop +learned to glory in his blacking far more than he had ever done in the +original mahogany. He had it continually renewed, and with the most +expensive compositions. He would bend enraptured over the burnished +surfaces of his extended legs, gazing, like another Narcissus, at the +features he saw so faithfully repeated. + +Meanwhile the threepence, base as it was, became the humble instrument +of brighter fortunes to BRUSTLES; it showed a marvellous aptitude +for turning up tails, which BEN no sooner perceived than he availed +himself of a blessing that had, indeed, come to him in disguise! + +But the Bishop--what of him? Nemesis overtook him at last. The +discontent long smouldering in his diocese broke out into a climax. +Thousands of Curates, inflamed by professional agitators, went out on +strike, and their first victim was the Bishop of TIMBERTOWS, who was +discovered prostrate one dark night by his horrified Chaplain. He had +been picketed as a Blackleg! + +THE END. + + (_Copies of the above may be obtained for distribution, at + very reasonable terms, on application to the Author._) + + * * * * * + +PLAYTIME FOR A DOLL'S HOUSE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--According to a well-known Critic, writing of a +morning performance of _The Doll's House_ on Tuesday, the 27th ult., +at Terry's Theatre, "There is no need to discuss IBSEN's piece any +more." I will go a little further, and say, not only should the play +be spared discussion, but also performance. All that could be done for +this miserable drama (if a work utterly devoid of dramatic interest +can be so entitled) was effected some years since, when _Breaking a +Butterfly_, a version with Messrs. HERMAN and JONES as adapters, was +played at the Prince's (now Prince of Wales's) Theatre. I believe some +one or other has said that that version was misleading, because it +modified IBSEN, and did not reveal him in his true colours. This I can +readily believe, as my recollection of _Breaking a Butterfly_ merely +suggests boredom; whereas, when I consider _The Doll's House_ of +Tuesday, I distinctly mingle with boredom a recollection of something +that caused a feeling of absolute loathing. That something, I imagine, +must be the new matter which was absent from the first version, and +crops up in the text of the second, which, according to the Play-bill, +appears "in Vol. I. of the authorised edition of IBSEN's Prose Dramas, +edited by WILLIAM ARCHER, and published by Mr. WALTER SCOTT." By +the way, I must confess that, although the name of the Editor is +not familiar to me as a dramatic author, his superintendence of the +authorised text seems to have been performed sufficiently creditably +to have rendered him as worthy of an honourable prefix as the +publisher. Why omit the "Mr."? Now I come to think of it, there is +an Englishman, not unconnected with dramatic literature, who is known +nowadays as WILLIAM, without the prefix of Mister, but in his own time +he was known as Master WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, and Master he remains. +"But this," as Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, "is quite another +WILLIAM." + +[Illustration: Fancy Picture of Hanwellian Admirer of the Ibsenesque +Drama thoroughly enjoying himself.] + +I have not the original for reference handy, but the version played +at Terry's Theatre bears internal evidence of a close translation. An +adapter, I fancy, with a free hand would scarcely have made one of the +characters use the same exit speech on two occasions. _Nils Krogstad_ +does this. He can think of nothing better than, "If I am flung into +the gutter, you shall accompany me," repeated twice with the slight +variation, "If I am flung into the gutter for the second time, you +shall accompany me," used for the last exit. Again, _Torvald Helmer_ +has a long monologue in the final Act that a practised playwright +would have "broken up" with the assistance of a portrait, or a letter, +or something. From this it would appear that the Editor, WILLIAM +ARCHER (without the "Mr.") has very faithfully produced the exact +translation of the original. To be hypercritical, I might suggest +that perhaps occasionally the version is rather _too_ literal. For +instance, _Torvald Helmer_, although he is cursed with one of the most +offensive wives known to creation, would scarcely call her "a little +lark," which conveys the impression that he is a "gay dog," and +one given to the traditional ways of that species of ultra-sociable +animals. I have confessed I have not the original before me, so I +cannot say whether the title used by IBSEN is "_Smalle Larke_," but +I fancy that a "capering capercailzie," if not actually his _words_, +would be nearer his _meaning_. A capercailzie is, according to the +dictionaries, a bird of "a delicious flavour" and partially "green;" +it is also found in Norway "very fine and large," as IBSEN might say. +Surely _Torvald_ would have thus described his semi-verdant _Nora_, +finding her distinctly to his taste. + +Returning to what I venture to imagine must be "new matter" not in the +Herman-_plus_-Jonesian version, I consider the scene in which _Nora_ +chaffs _Dr. Rank_ about his illness absolutely nauseous, and the +drink-inspired admiration of husband for wife in the concluding Act +repulsive to the last degree. On Tuesday the spectators received the +piece with patient apathy; and, this being the case, I could not help +feeling that anyone who could single out such a play as suitable for +performance before an English audience, could scarcely possess the +acumen generally considered a necessary adjunct to the qualifications +of an efficient Dramatic Critic. The hero, the heroine, the doctor, +as prigs, could only appeal to prigs, and thank goodness the average +London theatre-goer is the reverse of a prig. There was but one +redeeming point in the play--its conclusion. It ends happily in +_Nora_, forger, liar, and--hem--wedded flirt, being separated from her +innocent children. + +For the rest, the piece was fairly well acted. But when the Curtain +had fallen for the last time, and the audience were departing more in +sadness than in anger, I could not help asking myself the question, +Had the advantages obtained in witnessing the performance balanced +the expense incurred in securing a seat? I am forced to reply in the +negative, as I sign myself regretfully, + +ONE WHO PAID FOR A PLACE IN THE PIT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +I see three ladies in a drawing-room, each with a green volume. "What +is it?" No, they won't hear. Each one is intent on her volume, and an +irritable answer, in a don't bother kind of manner, is all that I can +obtain. The novel is Miss BRADDON's latest, _One Life, One Love_ (but +three volumes, for all that), in which they are absorbed. Later on, +at intervals, I get the volumes, and, raven-like, secrete them. I can +quite understand the absorption of my young friends. Marvellous, Miss +BRADDON! Very few have approached you in sensation-writing, and none +in keeping up sensationalism as fresh as ever it was when first I +sat up at night nervously to read _Aurora Floyd_, and _Lady Audley's +Secret_. In this bad time of year (I am writing when the snow is +without, and the North-East wind is engaged in cutting leaves), the +Baron recommends remaining indoors with this Three-volume Novel as +a between lunch and dinner companion, only don't take it up to your +bed-room, and sit over the fire with it, or--but there, I won't +mention the consequences. Keep it till daylight doth appear. The +Baron being a busy man--no, Sir, not a busy-body,--is grateful to the +authors of good short stories in Magazines. Many others agree with the +Baron, who wishes to recommend "Saint or Satan" in _The Argosy_; +The story of an "Old Beau," which might have been advantageously +abbreviated in _Scribner_; an odd tale entitled, "The Phantom +Portrait," in the _Cornhill_; which leaves the reader in doubt as to +whether he has been egregiously "sold" or not; and, above all, the +short and interesting--too short and most interesting--paper on +THACKERAY, in _Harper's Monthly_, with fac-similes of some of the +great humorist's most eccentric and most spirited illustrations, +conceived in the broadly burlesquing spirit that was characteristic +of GILRAY and ROWLANDSON. THACKERAY, philosopher and satirist, who +can take us behind the scenes of every show in _Vanity fair_, who +can depict the career of the scoundrel _Barry Lyndon_, of the +heathen _Becky Sharp_, and the death-bed of the Christian soldier and +gentleman, _dignissimus, Colonel Newcome_, could on occasion, and when +a rollicking spirit moved him, put on a pantomime mask (have we not +his own pathetic vignette representing him doing this?) to amuse the +children, or give us some rare burlesque writing and drawing to set us +all on the broad grin. The Baron trusts that Mrs. RITCHIE will give +us more of this, and sincerely hopes that there may be a "lot more" +caricatures in that portfolio "where these came from." I heartily +thank you for so much, and respectfully ask for more, says yours, very +gratefully, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + + Strong man and strenuous fighter, stricken down + Just when foes owned thee neither knave nor clown! + The fiercest of them, time-taught, need not fear + To drop a blossom now on BRADLAUGH's bier. + + * * * * * + +ARTHUR AND COMPOSER.--Saturday, January 31.--First night of SULLIVAN's +_Ivanhoe_ in D'OYLEY CARTE's new Theatre. Full inside, all right. +Sir ARTHUR's success. We congratulate him Arthurly, CARTE called +before horse,--should say before Curtain, but t'other came so +naturally,--looked pale,--quite _carte blanche_; but, like SULLIVAN's +music, composed. Could get a CARTE, but no cab. Gallant gentlemen and +delicate ladies braving rain and slosh. More in our next, but for the +present ... (_Paroxysm of sneezing_). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. AN ICE PICTURE. + +_Fair Damsel_. "WHAT A LOT OF HOLIDAYS YOU SEEM TO GET, MR. MINIVER!" + +_Pet Curate_. "WELL, YES. I KEEP A RECTOR, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT DO _YOU_ THINK? + + (_A Song of the Session, as sung by that Eminent and Evergreen + Lion Comique_, "JOLLY GLAD" _at the St. Stephen's Hall of + Varieties, Westminster_.) + +JOLLY GLAD, _sings_:-- + + With a flower in my coat, + With a keen eye for a vote, + And a sense the things to note, + Buff and Blue think, + With fond millions to admire, + A last triumph to desire,-- + Am I going to _Retire_?-- + What do _you_ think? + Oh, I know the quidnuncs vapour, + And that _Tadpole_, yes, and _Taper_, + Tell in many a twaddling paper, + What the few think; + But _they_ cater for the classes, + Whilst _I'm_ champion of the masses, + Fly before such braying asses?-- + What do _you_ think? + Wish is father to their thought, + Their wild hope with fear is fraught. + They are not _au fait_ to aught + Liberals true think. + They imagine "Mr. Fox" + Has delivered such hard knocks + That _impasse_ my pathway blocks!-- + What do _you_ think? + Just inspect me, if you please! + Is my pose not marked by ease? + _Am_ I going at the knees, + Like a "screw" Think! + Pooh! The part of Sisyphus + Suits me well. Why make a fuss? + Eh? Retire,--and leave things thus? + What do _you_ think? + On the--say the Lyric Stage-- + For some years I've been the rage, + And some histrios touched by age + Of Adieu think. + But I'm like that "Awful Dad," + Though this makes my rivals mad, + Don't true Gladdyites feel glad? + What do you think? + I'm a genuine Evergreen; + It is that excites their spleen + Who my lingering on the scene + A great "do" think. + I regret, _so_ much, to tease them! + My last exit would much ease them. + But Retire!--and just to please them! + What do _you_ think? + + [_Winks and walks round._ + + * * * * * + +A DREAMY MADNESS. + + The other night I went to bed,-- + It may seem strange, but still I did it,-- + And laid to rest my weary head + So that the bed-clothes nearly hid it; + Which was perhaps the reason why + My brain throughout the night was teeming + With truly wondrous sights, and I + Was wholly given o'er to dreaming. + + 'Twas on the Twenty-first of May, + The streets were filled to overflowing, + The streets, that in a curious way + Were clean although it kept on snowing. + The daily papers for a change + Came out each day without a leader, + But, what was surely rather strange, + They didn't lose a single reader! + + I saw a Bishop in a tram, + Although he knew it was a Sunday; + The lion lay down with the lamb, + And CLEMENT SCOTT with SYDNEY GRUNDY. + Professor HUXLEY said, "In truth + I'm really sick to death of rows," and + Wrote there and then to General BOOTH + To put his name down for a thousand. + + I heard that Mr. PARNELL wrote + (Much to McCARTHY's jubilation) + A very kind and civil note, + In which he sent his resignation; + Whilst ANDREW LANG with weary air + Professed himself completely staggered + To think how anyone could care + To read a line of RIDER HAGGARD. + + The House of Commons talked about + The case of Mr. BRADLAUGH--whether + The Motion which has kept him out + Should now be struck out altogether; + And OLD MORALITY arose + To say they felt no ancient _animus_, + And when they voted, why of Noes + There wasn't one--they were _unanimous_! + + * * * * * + + I started up, no more to sleep, + The dream somehow had seemed to spoil it, + Nor did it take me long to leap + Out of my bed and make my toilet. + I went down-stairs, and with surprise + I thought of those my dream had slandered, + And there, before my very eyes, + _I saw it printed in the_ STANDARD! + + I wish I hadn't gone to bed. + I can't imagine why I did it. + Nor why I laid my weary head + So that the clothes completely hid it. + Although I think that must be why + My brain has ever since been teeming; + But tell me (if you can) am I + At present mad, or _was_ I dreaming? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "RETIRE!--WHAT DO _YOU_ THINK?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE STOPPING OR REMOVAL OF A "GRINDER." + +A SKETCH IN THE STREETS.] + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON, the new indestructible cloth. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON is a stubborn and inflexible material. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON is made, by a new process, from blockwood and +paving-stones. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON, used for gentlemen's coats, will not only keep out +rain and wind, but thunder and lightning. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON never breaks or bends, but only bursts. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON.--A "PURCHASER" writes--"I sat down in a pair of your +trousers, but could never get up again." + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON.--Another "CUSTOMER" says--"The dress-coat you +supplied me with fitted me well. I could not take it off without +having recourse to a sledge-hammer." + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply the cheapest and worst in the market. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, hand-picked by the Duke himself, on whose +property the mines are situated. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, carefully selected, screened and delivered +(in the dark), anywhere within a ten-mile radius of Charing Cross at +9s. 6_d_, a ton, for cash on delivery. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply a wonderful article at the price. +Throws down a heavy brown ash. No flame, no heat. Frequently explodes, +scattering the contents of the grate over the largest room. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY beg to refer intending purchasers to the +accompanying testimonial: "Gentlemen,--Do what I will, I cannot +get your coals to light. Put on in sufficient quantity they will +extinguish any fire. I have worn out three drawing-room pokers in my +endeavours to stir them into a flame, but all to no purpose. Steeped +in petroleum, they might possibly ignite in a double-draught furnace, +though I fancy they would put it out. They are as you advertise them, +a 'show coal for summer use.' Don't send me any more." + + * * * * * + +CHARLIE AND SARAH. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Why should ARISTOTLE be the only author whose works +get discovered? I found the following story, written on papyrus, and +enclosed in a copper cylinder, in my back garden, and I am positive +that it is not ARISTOTLE. Can it possibly have been written by that +amiable and instructive authoress whose stories for children have +recently been reprinted? Yours, &c., HENRY ST. OTLE. + +CHARLIE was a very obedient little boy, and his sister SARAH was +a good, patient little girl. One beautiful summer's day they went +to stay for a week with their Uncle WILLIAM, a man of very high +principles, who was not quite used to the proper method with children. +On the evening of their arrival, as they were seated in front of the +fire, CHARLIE lifted up his bright, obedient, beautiful face, and +said, thoughtfully: + +"Pray, Uncle WILLIAM, cannot we have one of those instructive and +amusing conversations such as children love, about refraction, and +relativity, and initial velocity, and Mesopotamia generally?" + +"Oh, yes, Uncle WILLIAM!" said SARAH, pausing to wipe her patient +little nose; "Our dear Papa is always so pleasant and polysyllabic on +these subjects." + +Then Uncle WILLIAM regretted that he had paid less attention in his +youth to the shilling science primers, but he pulled himself together +and determined to do his best. "Certainly, my dear children, nothing +could please me more. Now here I have a jug and a glass. You will +observe that I pour some water from the jug into the glass. This +illustrates one of the properties of water. Can you tell me what I +mean?" + +"Fluidity!" said both the children, with enthusiasm. + +"Yes, quite so, and--er--er--has a brick fluidity?" + +"Why, no, Uncle WILLIAM!" + +"Well--er--_why_ hasn't it?" asked Uncle WILLIAM, with something +almost like desperation in his voice. + +"That, Uncle," said the obedient CHARLIE, "is one of the things which +we should like to learn from you to-night." + +"Yes, we shall come to that; but, in order to make you understand it +better, I must carry my experiment a little further. In this decanter +I have what is called whiskey. I pour some of it into the water. +Now it is more usual to put the whiskey in first, and the water +afterwards. Can you tell me why that is so? Think it out for +yourselves." And Uncle WILLIAM smiled genially. + +There was silence for a few moments. Then little SARAH said, timidly: +"I think it must be because, when a man wishes to drink, whiskey is +the first thing which naturally occurs to his mind. He does not think +about water until afterwards." + +"Quite right. That is the explanation of the scientists. And why do +you think I put in the water first and the whiskey afterwards?" + +"It was," said CHARLIE, brightly, "in order that we might not see so +exactly how much whiskey you took." + +"No, that's quite wrong. I did it out of sheer originality. Now what +would happen if I drank this curious mixture?" + +"You would be breaking the pledge, Uncle WILLIAM," said both children, +promptly and heartily. + +"Wrong again. I should be acting under doctor's orders." + +"Why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, patiently. + +"Don't interrupt, my dear child. We're coming to that. Now, CHARLIE, +when you eat or drink anything, where does it go?" + +"It goes into my little--oh, no, Uncle, I cannot say that word," +and CHARLIE, who was of a singularly modest and refined disposition, +buried his face in his hands, and blushed deeply. + +"Admirable!" exclaimed Uncle WILLIAM. "One cannot be too refined. Call +it the blank. It goes into your blank. Well, whiskey raises the tone +of the blank. Just as, when you screw up the peg of a violin, you +raise the tone of the string. By drinking this I raise the tone of my +blank." He suited the action to the word. + +"Now you'll be screwed," said CHARLIE, "like the pegs of the--" + +"On one glass of weak whiskey-and-water--never!" + +"But why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, quite patiently. + +"First of all, listen to this. That whiskey-and-water is now inside +me. I want you to understand what _inside_ means. Go and stand in the +passage, and shut the door of this room after you." + +"But, Uncle," said SARAH, patiently, "why hasn't a brick any--" + +"Hush, SARAH, hush!" said the obedient CHARLIE. "It is our duty to +obey Uncle WILLIAM in all things." + +So the two children went out of the room, and shut the door after +them. Uncle WILLIAM went to the door, and locked it. + +"Now then," he said, cheerily, "I am inside. And where are you?" + +"Outside." + +"Yes--and outside you'll stop. One of the servants will put you to +bed." And Uncle WILLIAM went back to the decanter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER SCENE FROM THE PANTOMIME AT ST. STEPHEN'S. + +_The Illuminated Doorway. Brilliant effect lately introduced into the +House of Commons._] + + * * * * * + +A DEAD FROST. + + When I saw you on "a January morning," + With a very little pair of skates indeed, + And the frosty glow your fairy face adorning, + I was suddenly from other passions freed. + And the year at its imperial beginning + Showed the woman who alone was worth the winning; + Though the growing flame awhile I tried to smother + Like a brother; + And that's a very common phase indeed, + As we read. + + My hat and stick I suddenly found fleeting, + And they whistled o'er the surface, smooth and black, + And the ice, with an unwonted warmth of greeting, + Slapt me suddenly and hard upon the back. + I didn't mind your laughing, if the laughter + Had left no sting of scorn to rankle after. + Though I'd joyously have flung myself before you + To adore you, + Still to sit with all one's might upon the ice + Isn't nice. + + When I met you in the lordly local ball-room, + Where you queen'd it, the suburban world's desire, + Though your programme for my name had left but small room, + I somehow snatched five valses from the fire. + And I did stout supper-service for your mother, + While you wove the self-same spells o'er many another, + And I said, no doubt, the sort of things that they did, + In the shaded + Little nook beneath the palms upon the stair, + To my fair. + + But I noticed, as I learned to know you better, + And you ceased to wile the victim at your feet, + There was very little silk about the fetter, + And 'twere flattery to say your sway was sweet: + Nay, you made the light and airy shrine of beauty + A centre for the most exacting duty, + And the fealty of the family undoubting + Met with flouting, + As a tribute which was nothing but your due, + As they knew. + + Your Papa is getting elderly and bulky, + And he loves you as the apple of his eye, + Yet very little things will make you sulky, + And to meet his little ways you never try. + And I see him look a trifle hurt and puzzled, + And his love for you is often check'd and muzzled; + Yet I think, upon the whole, that I would rather + Be your father, + Than the lover you could torture at your ease, + If you please. + + * * * * * + +STRANGE, BUT TRUE. + +Sir,--Under the heading of "Ecclesiastical Intelligence" in the +_Times_ of Saturday, I read that, "The LORD CHANCELLOR has preferred +the Rev. W.R. WELCH, of Hull, to the Vicarage of Withernwick, East +Yorkshire," I presume the LORD CHANCELLOR knows both the gentleman +and the place thoroughly, and so wisely elects which he prefers; but +to one who, like myself and thousands of others, know neither, it +strikes me that I would certainly prefer the place to the parson, +however worthy. It is, indeed, gratifying to see that the Highest +Representative of Law and Order in the realm, after HER GRACIOUS +MAJESTY, is so utterly uninfluenced by any mercenary motives. I send +this by Private Post, an old soldier, and am yours enthusiastically, + +NOODLE DE NOODLE. + +_The Retreat, Hanwell-on-Sea._ + + * * * * * + +"BETTER LATE THAN NEVER."--Two Jurymen, says a paragraph in last +Saturday's _Times_, wrote to the Solicitor acting for a female +prisoner, one CUTLER, who had been convicted of perjury and sentenced +at Chester, to say that they "gave in to a verdict of Guilty because +it was very late, and one gentleman had an important business +engagement at home." This recalls the line, "And wretches hang that +Jurymen may dine." The remainder of ELLEN CUTLER's sentence of five +years' penal servitude is remitted. It is satisfactory to know that +these two had the courage of their opinions before it was too late. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SYMPATHETIC EGOISM OF GENIUS. + +(_A Study._) + +"DON'T RUN AWAY YET, OLD MAN! IT'S QUITE EARLY, AND I WANT TO HEAR ALL +ABOUT YOUR ACADEMY PICTURE, WHICH I'M TOLD IS SPLENDID." + + [_Proceeds to describe his_ own _at great length, and then + suddenly finds out how late it is, and bolts!_] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, Jan. 26._--PLUNKET undoubtedly the most +successful Commissioner of Works of recent times. A little coolness +sprung up between him and CAVENDISH BENTINCK about those staircases +in Westminster Hall. But _chacun a son_ idea of a staircase. PLUNKET +quite as likely to be right as C.B. Always doing something to improve +arrangements of House. Does it quietly, too; Members know nothing +about it till they come down and find new Smoking-room, fresh +arrangements of lights, new rooms for Ministers, and occasionally a +priceless old table adorning Tea-room. Various accounts of its origin. +Some say Magna Charta signed on it. Others fixing earlier date and +attracted by the initials "W.R." clearly carved on left leg, affirm +that it is the very table on which WILLIAM REX took his five o'clock +tea after Battle of Hastings. + +[Illustration: "Dear me!"] + +Latest surprise prepared by First Commissioner is illumination of +entrance to House from Lobby, cunningly effected by electric lights +set within recesses of arch. SCHNAD-HORST, revisiting House after +long interval, astonished at this. "Making things very comfortable in +anticipation of our coming in," he says, smiling sweetly. + +Later came upon NICHOLAS WOODS; found him standing in attitude of +patient and intelligent expectation. "What are you waiting there for?" +I asked. "Why don't you come in and hear SWINBURNE make one or two +speeches on Tithes Bill?" + +"Well--er--fact is," said NICHOLAS, steadfastly keeping his eyes +on archway, "WILFRID LAWSON told me that if I was here about eleven +o'clock I would see PLUNKET and the ATTORNEY-GENERAL come out under +the archway dancing a _pas de deux_. Couldn't make out when I arrived +what the illumination was for; asked LAWSON. 'Oh' says he, 'it's the +First Commissioner's reminiscence of one of the alcoves at Vauxhall +Gardens.' Then he told me about PLUNKET and WEBSTER. Thought I'd like +to see it. Do you think it's all right?" + +"Well," I said, "ALBERT ROLLIT _did_ tell me something about +ATTORNEY-GENERAL going on the Spree. But that was in Germany, and he +had his skates with him. Don't know how it'll be here. You mustn't +forget that WILFRID's something of a wag. Wouldn't advise you to wait +much after eleven o'clock." + +House engaged all night on Tithes Bill. Not particularly lively. +Towards midnight TANNER, preternaturally quiet since House met, +suddenly woke up, and, _à propos de bottes_, moved to report progress. +COURTNEY down on him like cartload of bricks; declined to put Motion, +declaring it abuse of forms of House. This rather depressing. In good +old times there would have been an outburst of indignation in Irish +camp; Chairman's ruling challenged, and squabble agreeably occupied +rest of evening. But times changed. No Irish present to back TANNER, +who, with despairing look round, subsided, and business went forward +without further check. + +_Business done_.--Tithes Bill in Committee. + +[Illustration: Exit!] + +_Tuesday_.--Mr. DICK DE LISLE came down to House to-night full of high +resolve. Hadn't yet been a Member of House when it shook from time +to time with the roar of controversy round BRADLAUGH, his oath, his +affirmation, and his stylographic pen. At that time was in Singapore, +helping Sir FREDERICK WELD to govern the Straits Settlement. But had +watched controversy closely, and had contributed to its settlement by +writing a luminous treatise, entitled, _The Parliamentary Oath_. Now, +by chance, the question cropped up again. BRADLAUGH had secured first +place on to-night's order for his Motion rescinding famous Resolution +of June, 1880, declaring him ineligible to take his seat. BRADLAUGH +ill in bed; sick unto death, as it seemed; but HUNTER had taken up +task for him, and would move Resolution. Of course the Government +would oppose it; if necessary, DE LISLE would assist them +with argument. In any case, they should have his vote. Heard +SOLICITOR-GENERAL with keen satisfaction. He showed not only the +undesirability and impossibility of acceding to proposition, but +denounced it as "absolutely childish." Mr. G. followed; but Mr. G. +said the same kind of things eleven years ago, when he was Leader of +triumphant party, and had been defeated again and again. Of course +same fate awaited him now. Government had spoken through mouth of +SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and there was an end on't. + +Not quite. STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, unaccustomed participant in debate, +presented himself. Stood immediately behind OLD MORALITY, by way of +testifying to his unaltered loyalty. At same time he suggested that, +after all, would be as well to humour BRADLAUGH and his friends, +and strike out Resolution. Then OLD MORALITY rose from side +of SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and, unmindful of that eminent Lawyer's +irresistible argument and uncompromising declaration, said, "on the +whole," perhaps NORTHCOTE was right, and so mote it be. + +The elect of Mid-Leicestershire gasped for air. Did his ears deceive +him, or was this the end of the famous BRADLAUGH incidents? OLD +MORALITY, in his cheerful way, suggested that, as they were doing the +thing, they had better do it unanimously. General cheer approved. DE +LISLE started to his feet. One voice, at least, should be heard in +protest against this shameful surrender. Began in half-choked voice: +evidently struggling against some strange temptation; talked about +the Parnell Commission; accused House of legalising atheism, and +whitewashing treason; argued at length with Mr. G. on doctrine of +excess of jurisdiction. Observed, as he went on, to be waving his +hands as if repelling some object; turned his head on one side as +if he would fain escape apparition; House looked on wonderingly. +At length, with something like subdued sob, DE LISLE gave way, and +Members learned what had troubled him. It was dear old _Mr. Dick's_ +complaint. Standing up to present his Memorial against tergiversation +of OLD MORALITY, DE LISLE could not help dragging in head of CHARLES +THE FIRST. "As a Royalist," he said, "I should maintain that the House +of Commons exceeded its jurisdiction when it ordered King CHARLES THE +FIRST to be beheaded, but I never heard that it was proposed, after +the Restoration, to expunge the Resolution from the books." + +Irreverent House went off into roars of laughter, amid which _Mr. +Dick_, more than ever bewildered, sat down, and presently went out +to ask _Miss Betsy Trottwood_ why they laughed. + +_Business done_.--Resolution of June, 1880, declaring BRADLAUGH +ineligible to sit, expunged from journals. + +_Thursday_.--As OLD MORALITY finely says, "The worm persistently +incommoded by inconvenient attentions will finally assume an +aggressive attitude." So it has proved to-night. SYDNEY GEDGE long +been object of contumelious attention. Members jeer at him when he +rises; talk whilst he orates; laugh when he is serious, are serious +when he is facetious. But the wounded worm has turned at last. SYDNEY +has struck. GEDGE has been goaded once too often. + +It was COURTNEY brought it about. Been six hours in Chair in Committee +on Tithes Bill; feeling faint and weary, glad to refresh himself with +sparkling conversation of Grand Young GARDNER; GEDGE on his feet at +moment in favourite oratorial attitude; pulverising Amendment moved by +GRAY; thought, as he proceeded, he heard another voice. Could it be? +Yes; it was Chairman of Committees conversing with frivolous elderly +young man whilst he (S.G.) was debating the Tithes Bill! Should he +pass over this last indignity? No; honour of House must be vindicated; +lofty standard of debate must be maintained; the higher the position +of offender the more urgent his duty to strike a blow. Was standing at +the moment aligned with Chair; paused in argument; faced about to the +right and marched with solemn steps to the end of Gangway, the Bench +having been desolated by his speech so far as it had gone. + +[Illustration: In revolt.] + +"Sir," he said, bending angry brows on Chairman, "I am afraid my +speech interrupted your conversation. Therefore I have moved further +away." + +That was all, but it was enough. HERBERT GARDNER slunk away, COURTNEY +hastily turned over pages of the Bill; hung down his guilty head, +and tried to look as if it were MILMAN who had been engaged in +conversation. Now MILMAN was asleep. + +_Business done_.--Level flow of Debate on Tithes Bill interrupted by +revolt of SYDNEY GEDGE. + +_Friday_.--Rather a disappointing evening from Opposition point of +view. In advance, was expected to be brilliant field-night. Irish +Administration to be attacked all along line; necessity for new +departure demonstrated. SHAW-LEFEVRE led off with Resolution demanding +establishment of Courts of Arbitration. Large muster of Members. Mr. +G. in his place; expected to speak; but presently went off; others +fell away, and all the running made from Ministerial Benches. +SHAW-LEFEVRE roasted mercilessly. House roared at SAUNDERSON's +description of his going to interview SULTAN, and being shown into +stable to make acquaintance of SULTAN's horse. Prince ARTHUR turned +on unhappy man full blast of withering scorn. Don't know whether +SHAW-LEFEVRE felt it; some men rather be kicked than not noticed at +all; but Liberals felt they had been drawn into ridiculous position, +and murmured bad words. "What's the use," they ask, "of winning +Hartlepool out of doors, if things are so managed that we are made +ridiculous within?" + +_Business done_.--SHAW-LEFEVRE's Resolution on Irish Land Question +negatived by 213 Votes against 152. + + * * * * * + +"THERMIDOR" UP TO DATE. + +(_TONED DOWN FOR ENGLISH RECEPTION._) + + _Last Act--On the road to the Guillotine--Hero, instead of + Heroine, about to be executed--Heroine imploring Hero to sign + paper._ + +_Heroine_. Attach but your signature, and you are free! + +_Hero_ (_after reading document in a tone of horror_). What, a vow to +marry, with the prospect of a breach of promise case to follow! Never! +Death is preferable! [_Exit to be guillotined. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +AN ARTIST AND A WHISTLER.--M. COQUELIN has summoned M. LISSAGARAY for +having thrown a whistle at him on the night of the _Thermidor_ row. It +is to be hoped that by this time M. LISSAGARAY will have been made to +pay for his whistle. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., February 7, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13074 *** diff --git a/13074-h/13074-h.htm b/13074-h/13074-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6627b6f --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/13074-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2019 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, February 7, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:8%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13074 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 7, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" + id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> + + <h2>THE "MODEL HUSBAND" CONTEST.</h2> + + <h4>SCENE THE FIRST—<i>At the</i> GALAHAD-GREENS'.</h4> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> GALAHAD!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.-G.</i> (<i>meekly</i>). My love?</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/61-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> I see that the proprietors of <i>All + Sorts</i> are going to follow the American example, and offer a + prize of £20 to the wife who makes out the best case for her + husband as a Model. It's just as well, perhaps, that you should + know that I've made up my mind to enter <i>you</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.-G.</i> (<i>gratified</i>). My dear CORNELIA! + really, I'd no idea you had such a—</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> Nonsense! The drawing-room carpet is a + perfect disgrace, and, as you can't, or won't, provide the + money in any <i>other</i> way, why—Would you like to hear + what I've said about you?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.-G.</i> Well, if you're sure it wouldn't he + troubling you too much, I <i>should</i>, my dear.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> Then sit where I can see you, and listen. + (<i>She reads.</i>) "Irreproachable in all that pertains to + morality"—(and it would be a bad day indeed for you, + GALAHAD, if I ever had cause to think + <i>otherwise</i>.')—"morality; scrupulously dainty and + neat in his person"—(ah, you may well blush, GALAHAD, + but, fortunately, they won't want me to <i>produce</i> + you!)—"he imports into our happy home the delicate + refinement of a <i>preux chevalier</i> of the olden time." + (Will you kindly take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) + "We rule our little kingdom with a joint and equal sway, to + which jealousy and friction are alike unknown; he, considerate + and indulgent to my womanly weakness,"—(You need not + stare at me in that perfectly idiotic fashion!)—"I, + looking to him for the wise and tender support which has never + yet been denied. The close and daily scrutiny of many years has + discovered"—(What are you shaking like <i>that</i> + for?)—"discovered no single weakness; no taint or flaw of + character; no irritating trick of speech or habit." (How often + have I told you that I will <i>not</i> have the handle of that + paper-knife sucked? Put it down; do!) "His + conversation—sparkling but ever spiritual—renders + our modest meals veritable feasts of fancy and flows of soul + ... <i>Well</i>, GALAHAD?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.-G.</i> Nothing, my dear; nothing. It struck me as + well,—a trifle <i>flowery</i>, that last passage, that's + all!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> (<i>severely</i>). If I cannot expect to + win the prize without descending to floweriness, whose fault is + <i>that</i>, I should like to know? If you can't make sensible + observations, you had better not speak at all. + (<i>Continuing</i>,) "Over and over again, gathering me in his + strong loving arms, and pressing fervent kisses upon my + forehead, he has cried, 'Why am I not a Monarch that so I could + place a diadem upon that brow? With such a Consort, am I not + doubly crowned?'" Have you anything to say to <i>that</i>, + GALAHAD?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.-G.</i> Only, my love, that I—I don't seem to + remember having made that particular remark.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> Then make it <i>now</i>. I'm sure I wish + to be as accurate as I <i>can</i>. [Mr. G.-G. <i>makes the + remark—but without fervour.</i></p> + + <h4>SCENE THE SECOND—<i>At the</i> MONARCH-JONES'.</h4> + + <p><i>Mr. M.-J.</i> Twenty quid would come in precious handy + just now, after all I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch + that prize if I can—so just you sit down, GRIZZLE, and + write out what I tell you; do you hear?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.-J.</i> (<i>timidly</i>). But, MONARCH, dear, + would that be quite <i>fair</i>? No, don't be angry, I didn't + mean that—I'll write whatever you please!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.-J.</i> You'd <i>better</i>, that's all! Are you + ready? I must screw myself up another peg before I begin. + (<i>He screws</i>.) Now, then. (<i>Stands over her and + dictates</i>.) "To the polished urbanity of a perfect + gentleman, he unites the kindly charity of a true Christian." + (Why the devil don't you learn to write decently, eh?) + "Liberal, and even lavish, in all his dealings, he is yet a + stern foe to every kind of excess"—(Hold on a bit, I must + have another nip after that)—"every kind of excess. Our + married life is one long dream of blissful contentment, in + which each contends with the other in loving self-sacrifice." + (Haven't you corked all that down <i>yet</i>!) "Such cares and + anxieties as he has, he conceals from me with scrupulous + consideration as long as possible"—(Gad, I should be a + fool if I <i>didn't</i>!)—"while I am ever sure of + finding in him a patient and sympathetic listener to all my + trifling worries and difficulties."—(<i>Two</i> f's in + difficulties, you little fool—can't you even + <i>spell</i>?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, + he has rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly + emotion, 'Oh, that I were more worthy of such a pearl among + women! With such a helpmate, I am indeed to be envied!'" That + <i>ought</i> to do the trick. If I don't romp in after + that!—(<i>Observing that</i> Mrs. M.-J.'s <i>shoulders + are convulsed</i>.) What the dooce are you giggling at + <i>now</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.-J.</i> I—I wasn't giggling, MONARCH dear, + only—</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.-J.</i> Only <i>what</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.-J.</i> Only crying!</p> + + <h4>THE SEQUEL.</h4> + + <p>"The Judges appointed by the spirited proprietors of <i>All + Sorts</i> to decide the 'Model Husband Contest'—which was + established on lines similar to one recently inaugurated by one + of our New York contemporaries—have now issued their + award. Two competitors have sent in certificates which have + been found equally deserving of the prize; viz., Mrs. CORNELIA + GALAHAD-GREEN, Graemair Villa, Peckham, and Mrs. GRISELDA + MONARCH-JONES, Aspen Lodge, Lordship Lane. The sum of Twenty + Pounds will consequently be divided between these two ladies, + to whom, with their respective spouses, we beg to tender our + cordial felicitations."—(<i>Extract from Daily Paper, + some six months hence</i>.)</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CRUMMLES REDIVIVUS!</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/61-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>For some months Society has been on the tip-toe of + expectation with regard to the new Tragedy by Mr. SHAKSPEARE + SMITHSON, which is to inaugurate the magnificent Theatre, built + at a sumptuous and total disregard of expense by Mr. DILEY + PUFF, a lineal descendant of the great PUFF family, by + intermarriage with the more recent CRUMMLES's, expressly for + the performance of the genuine English Drama. A veil of secrecy + has, however, been drawn over all the arrangements connected + with the new production. One after another the Author, the + Manager, and the leading Actors were appealed to in vain. + Finally, one of Our Representatives taking his courage in both + hands, brought it and himself safely to the stage-door of the + new theatre, and knocked. After some hesitation he was admitted + by an intelligent boy, who, however, at first seemed indisposed + to be drawn into conversation, though he admitted he had been + engaged for the responsible post of call-boy at an inadequate + salary. Our Representative managed to interest the lad in the + inspection of a numismatic representation of Her Most Gracious + Majesty, which he happened to have brought with him on the back + of half-a-crown, and with which Our Representative toyed, + holding it between the thumb and dexter finger of the right + hand. We give the result in Our Representative's own + words:—</p> + + <p>"Come this way," said the boy, on whom the sight of the coin + seemed to operate like some weird talisman, leading me to a + remote part of the stage, the floor of which had been + tastefully littered with orange-peel in a variety of patterns; + "we shall be comfortabler."</p> + + <p>"Now tell me," I said, "about this new piece."</p> + + <p>"It's what they call a Tragedy," said the boy.</p> + + <p>"Ah!" I replied, "that is interesting; but I want to know + about the Author. What do you think of him?"</p> + + <p>"The horther? Oh my!" said the precocious lad, producing an + apple from his trousers' pocket, but his right eye still fixed + on the talisman, "'e don't count. Why we none of us pays no + attention to 'im. Crikey, you should 'a seen 'im come a cropper + on his nut down them new steps. But, look 'ere, Sir," he + continued, more solemnly, "I'm a tellin' yer secrets, I am; and + if DILEY were to 'ear of it, I'd get a proper jacketin'. Swear + you won't peach."</p> + + <p>I gave the requisite pledge. "And that ere arf-crown?" he + said. I nodded assent to what was evidently in his mind. Then + he resumed. "It's a beautiful piece. The play, I mean," he + explained; being fearful lest I should consider him as + over-eager for the coveted and covenanted reward. "I'm sure o' + that. The horther says so, and DILEY says so, and Miss O'GRADY + says so; she's got the 'eroine to play,—and oh, don't she + die in the lawst Act just proper, with pink light and a couple + o' angels to carry 'er up! Then there's Mr. KEANE 'ARRIS, 'e + touches 'em all up with 'is sword, 'places his back to the + wall, and defies the mob,' is what the book says. So you may + take it from me, it's fust-rate."</p> + + <p>I thanked my intelligent little friend for his information, + and was proceeding to put a further question about the music + for this new Drama, which, as everyone will soon know, is to be + a real <i>chef d'oeuvre</i> of Sir HAUTHOR SUNNIVUN, when a + step was heard approaching across the stage—the deepest, + by the way, in London—to where we were talking.</p> + + <p>"That's 'im," said the boy, trembling. "'E's a noble-'earted + master, so kind and generous, but 'e 'ates deception, and it + would be more than my place is worth to let 'im catch me + talking these 'ere dead secrets to you. Give us the coin. I'm + orf!"</p> + + <p>And, before I was able to carry out my portion of the + contract, he was gone. And in another moment—so was + I.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" + id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:67%;"> + <h3>BRUIN JUNIOR.</h3>"May this be my poison, if my Bear + ever dances but to the very genteelest of tunes, + '<i>Water-parted</i>,' or '<i>The Minuet in Ariadne.'" She + Stoops to Conquer</i>. + <a href="images/62.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/62.png" + alt="BRUIN JUNIOR." /></a> <i>Viceroy</i> (<i>to Miss + India, loquitur</i>). "DON'T BE ALARMED, MY DEAR! THIS + BEAR NEVER DANCES BUT TO THE VERY GENTEELEST OF + TUNES!"<br /> + + <p>Lord LANSDOWNE, <i>loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Be easy, my darling! He doesn't come + snarling,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or rearing, or hugging, this young + Dancing Bear.</p> + + <p>With you (and with pleasure) he'll tread a gay + measure,</p> + + <p class="i2">A captive of courtesy, under my + care;</p> + + <p>His chain is all golden. Your heart 'twill + embolden,</p> + + <p class="i2">And calm that dusk bosom which + timidly shrinks.</p> + + <p>Sincere hospitality is, in reality,</p> + + <p class="i2">Safest of shackles;—just look + at the links!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Alarmists saw ruin in prospects of Bruin,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Great Northern Bear, treading + India's soil.</p> + + <p>How bogies may blind us! On our side the + Indus</p> + + <p class="i2">They fancy friend Ursa spies nothing + but spoil;</p> + + <p>But Ursa's <i>invited</i> to come, and + delighted</p> + + <p class="i2">To visit you, not as aggressor, but + guest.</p> + + <p>So welcome him brightly, and treat him + politely.</p> + + <p class="i2">And trip with him lightly, you'll + find it far best,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ATTA TROLL (HEINE tells us) "danced nobly." + Pride swells us</p> + + <p class="i2">To think our young guest is a true + ATTA TROLL;</p> + + <p>No Bugbear, though shaggy, a trifle + breech-baggy,</p> + + <p class="i2">And not altogether a dandyish + doll;</p> + + <p>No Afghan intrigue, dear, or shy Native league, + dear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Has brought Bruin's foot o'er our + frontier to dance:</p> + + <p>He comes freely, boldly—don't look on him + coldly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or make him suspect there is + <i>fear</i> in your glance.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Be sure that the Lion will still keep his eye + on</p> + + <p class="i2">All Bears and their dens, in the + Tiger's behalf;</p> + + <p>Meanwhile Ursa Minor eschews base design, or</p> + + <p class="i2">Intrigue against <i>you</i>, dear. + Lift eyes, love, and laugh!</p> + + <p>I'll answer for Bruin, he shall not take + <i>you</i> in—</p> + + <p class="i2">The Bear's <i>bona fides</i> nobody + impugns;</p> + + <p>He asks a kind glance, and your hand in a dance; + and</p> + + <p class="i2">He'll dance "to the very genteelest + of tunes"!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE UP-TO-DATE CONVERSATIONIST.</h2> + + <p><i>He</i> (<i>at the end of a turn</i>). I see there's been + a row in Chili—what do you think about it?</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. I don't know the place—isn't it somewhere + in America?</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. I shouldn't be surprised if it were, but my + geography's shaky. I rather fancy it's somehow connected with + pickles.</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. Oh, then it's a mistake their quarrelling, as I + suppose it will be hard upon the poor, especially during the + winter?</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. Fancy that's the idea. Been to the Guelph + Exhibition?</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. Yes, and I think it's a pity they took the + jewels out of GEORGE THE FOURTH's Crown. I should like to have + seen the Koh-i-Noor.</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. But they wanted them for the one at the Tower, + don't you know, and as for the Koh-i-Noor, was <i>that</i> + invented in his time?</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. Perhaps it wasn't. Stay, wasn't it discovered by + Captain COOK, or DRAKE, or somebody?</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. I daresay. I have never looked the matter up. + <i>À propos</i>, One-pound Bank-notes are to be issued.</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. Are they? I suppose they will be useful for + change?</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. Shouldn't be astonished, but don't pretend to + know anything about it. By the way, do you take much interest + in the subjects we have been discussing?</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. Not the faintest.</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. No more do I! [<i>Waltz continued.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>DEARNESS AND DEARTH.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Spanish onions are rising in price, though probably + only temporarily."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Will it be long, then—long?</p> + + <p class="i4">For the people watch and wait,</p> + + <p class="i2">Till the strength of the onion makes them + strong,</p> + + <p class="i4">At only the normal rate.</p> + + <p class="i2">And their eyes are dim with tears,</p> + + <p class="i4">And ache with the need of sleep.</p> + + <p class="i2">And watch till the lapse of the lapsing + years</p> + + <p class="i4">Shall make the onions cheap.</p> + + <p>Cheap, my love, cheap! Sleep, my love, sleep!</p> + + <p>Onions are dear, love, but sentiment's cheap!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>II.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Listen! Is it a voice</p> + + <p class="i4">Calling—again—again,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or a fragrance to make my heart + rejoice</p> + + <p class="i4">From the sunlit land of Spain?</p> + + <p class="i2">Listen, my own, my bride,</p> + + <p class="i4">While the glad tears dew your cheek,</p> + + <p class="i2">They are fried, my bride, by the sad sea + tide</p> + + <p class="i4">With a smell that can almost speak</p> + + <p>Creep, my love, creep into the deep,</p> + + <p>And sing to the fishes that onions are cheap.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE PROPOSED ONE-POUND NOTES.—"Ne-Goschenable + currency."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" + id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> + + <h2>AN ELEGY ON A MAD DOG.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After Goldsmith, more or less.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good patriots all of every sort,</p> + + <p class="i2">Give ear unto my song,</p> + + <p>For if in substance it is short,</p> + + <p class="i2">In moral it is strong.</p> + </div> + </div><a href="images/63-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At Hawarden lived a Grand Old Man,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of whom the world might say,</p> + + <p>A wondrous lengthy race he ran,</p> + + <p class="i2">And won it all the way.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <a href="images/63-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some swore he'd veer to catch a vote;</p> + + <p class="i2">Old age to flout one loathes,</p> + + <p>But, if he never turned his coat,</p> + + <p class="i2">He often changed his clothes.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <a href="images/63-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hard by an Irish dog was found,</p> + + <p class="i2">As many dogs there be,</p> + + <p>Hibernian mongrel, puppy, hound,</p> + + <p class="i2">And curs of low degree.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This dog and man at first seemed friends,</p> + + <p class="i2">But, when a pique began,</p> + + <p>The dog, to gain his private ends,</p> + + <p class="i2">Went mad, and bit the man!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <a href="images/63-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-4.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To see so strange and sad a sight</p> + + <p class="i2">Quidnuncs and <i>gobemouches</i> + ran,</p> + + <p>And swore the dog was rabid quite</p> + + <p class="i2">To bite that Grand Old Man.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <a href="images/63-5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-5.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The wound indeed seemed sore and sad</p> + + <p class="i2">To every party eye,</p> + + <p>And while they swore the dog was mad,</p> + + <p class="i2">They swore the man must die.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <a href="images/63-6.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-6.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But marvels sometimes come to light</p> + + <p class="i2">Rash prophets to belie.</p> + + <p>The man seems healing of the bite,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dog looks like to die!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Remarkable Conversion.</h3> + + <p>"CANON TEIGNMOUTH SHORE proposes to convert the two + Convocations." ... that is startling without the + context—"into one National Synod." But two into one won't + go. How will he manage it? Will those in the York ship join the + Canterbury, or <i>vice versâ</i>? Or, quitting both ships, will + they land on common ground? "Who's for SHORE?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PAR ABOUT PICTURES.—"<i>Over the Garden Wall</i>," + seems to be the song that Mr. G.S. ELGOOD sings at the Fine Art + Society's Gallery. In the course of his travels he has been + over a good many garden walls. At Wroxton, Compton Wynyates, + Penshurst, Montacute, Berkeley, and Helmingham, he has pursued + his studies to some purpose; the result is an enjoyable + collection of pictures, which he entitles, "A Summer among the + Flowers."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" + id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> + + <h2>BRUSTLES' BISHOP.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Muddled Moralist.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <p>BEN BRUSTLES was only a poor shoeblack-boy who cleaned + boots—ay, and even shoes, for his daily bread. Such time + as he could spare from his avocation he devoted to diligent + study of the doctrine of chance, as exemplified in the practice + of pitch-and-toss. Often and often, after pitching and tossing + in the cold wet streets for long weary hours, he would return + home without a halfpenny. Think of this, ye more fortunate + youths, who sit at home at ease, and play Loto for nuts! But + through all his vicissitudes, BEN kept a stout heart, never + losing his conviction that something—he knew not + what—would eventually turn up. Sometimes it was heads, at + others tails: and in either case the poor boy lost money by + it—but he persevered notwithstanding, confident that + Fortune would favour him at last. It is this spirit of + undaunted enterprise that has made our England what it is!</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/64-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64-1.png" + alt="Brustles Blacking." /></a>Brustles Blacking. + </div> + + <p>And one day Fortune did favour him. He observed, as he knelt + before his box, a portly and venerable person close by, who was + engrossed in studying, with apparent complacency, his own + reflection in a plate-glass shop-front. So naïve a display of + personal vanity, in one whose dress and demeanour denoted him a + Bishop, not unnaturally excited BENJAMIN's interest, nor was + this lessened when the stranger, after shaking his head + reproachfully at his reflected image, advanced to the + shoe-black's box as if in obedience to a sudden impulse.</p> + + <p>"My lad," he said, with a certain calm dignity, "will you be + so good as to black both my legs for me—at once?"</p> + + <p>This unusual request, conceived as it was on a larger scale + than the orders he habitually received, startled the youth, + particularly as he noted that the symmetrical and well-turned + limb which the Bishop extended consisted, like its fellow, of a + rare and costly species of mahogany, and shone with the rich + and glossy hue of a newly-fallen horse-chestnut, "I see," + commented the Bishop, with a melancholy smile, "that you have + already discovered that my lower members are the + product—not of Nature, but of Art. It was not always thus + with me—but in my younger days I was an ardent + climber—indeed, I am still an Honorary Member of the + Hampstead Heath Alpine Club. Many years since, whilst scaling + Primrose Hill, I was compelled, by a sudden storm, to take + refuge in a half-way hut, where I passed the night, exposed to + all the rigours of an English Midsummer! When I awoke I found, + to my surprise, that both my legs had been bitten by the + relentless frost short off immediately below the knee, and I + had to continue the ascent next day in a basket. On descending, + I caused these substitutes to be fashioned, and on them I + stumped my way to the exalted position I now fill, nor have I + ever evinced any physical inconveniences from my misfortune, + save in one particular—that it has rendered the + assumption of gaiters unhappily out of the question! But, + possibly, my wish to have these legs of mine disguised by your + pigments, strikes you as bizarre, if not positively eccentric? + You will better understand my reasons after you have heard a + confession which, though necessary, is, believe me, painful to + make." And the good old man, after a short internal struggle, + began the following narrative, which we reserve for a + succeeding chapter.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>"Even as a Curate, a certain harmless vanity was ever my + besetting weakness. I might, indeed, have hoped that, after my + accident—but see, my good lad, how pride may lurk, even + in our very infirmities! These artificial limbs have become a + yet subtler snare to me than even those they replaced. I had + them constructed, as you see, of the best mahogany—to + match the furniture in my dining-room. With ever-increasing + pleasure, my eyes have gloried in their grain and gloss, in the + symmetry of their curves, in the more than Chinese delicacy of + their extremities, until gradually they have trampled upon my + better self, they have run away with all my possibilities of + moral usefulness! Yes, but this very moment, as I stood + admiring their contour at yonder window, the pernicious thought + crossed my mind that their appearance would be yet more + enhanced if I had them <i>gilded</i>!"</p> + + <p>"But, your reverent Lordship," objected BRUSTLES, as the + Bishop paused, overcome by humiliation, "it's no use coming to + <i>me</i> for that 'ere job!" For, though but a poor boy, he + was too honest to accept any commission under false pretences. + Gilding, he knew, might—and, in a London atmosphere, soon + would—become black, but no boot-polish would ever assume + the appearance, even of the blackest gilt, and so he candidly + explained to the Bishop.</p> + + <p>"I know, my boy," said the latter, patting BEN's head kindly + with the handle of his umbrella, "I know. Hence my application + to your skill. That presumptuous idea revealed as in a + lightning flash the abyss on the brink of which I stood. This + demon of perverse pride must be laid; humbled for ever. So ply + your brushes, and see you spare not the blacking!"</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>BRUSTLES obeyed—not without awe, and in a short space + of time two pots of blacking were exhausted, and the roseate + glow of the Bishop's mahogany limbs was for ever hidden under a + layer of more than Nubian ebony!</p> + + <p>"'Selp me, your lordly reverence," he cried, dazzled by the + brilliancy of the result; "but you might be took, below, for a + Lifeguardsman!"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/64-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64-2.png" + alt="Bilked by a Bishop." /></a>Bilked by a Bishop. + </div> + + <p>"Hush," said the Bishop, though with a gratification he + could not restrain, "would you recall the demon I strove to + exorcise! It is true that the change is less of a disfigurement + than I feared—ahem, <i>hoped</i>—but after all, may + not the wish to please the eye of man be excusable? You shall + receive a rich reward. Do you happen to have such a thing as + change for a five-pound note about you?"</p> + + <p>"Alas!" replied the lad, with ready presence of mind, "but I + have only just paid all my gold into my bank for the day!"</p> + + <p>"No matter," said the Bishop, gently. "I find I have a + threepenny bit, after all. It is yours!" And the good + ecclesiastic, as if to avoid thanks, moved nimbly off, though + his eyes still sought the shop-windows as he passed, with even + greater complacency than before.</p> + + <p>BEN tested the threepenny bit between his teeth—it was + a spurious coin; he looked up, but his late customer was + already passed out of hearing of his sentiments. He sank down + with his head laid amongst his pots and brushes. "Bilked!" he + moaned piteously, "bilked—and by a blooming Bishop!"</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>But mark the sequel. The good Bishop had been quite ignorant + that the threepenny bit was a pewter one; quite sincere, for + the time, in his determination to subdue his own weakness. + Still it was not to be: inbred pride is not so easily + vanquished—even by Bishops! The Bishop learned to glory + in his blacking far more than he had ever done in the original + mahogany. He had it continually renewed, and with the most + expensive compositions. He would bend enraptured over the + burnished surfaces of his extended legs, gazing, like another + Narcissus, at the features he saw so faithfully repeated.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile the threepence, base as it was, became the humble + instrument of brighter fortunes to BRUSTLES; it showed a + marvellous <span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" + id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> aptitude for turning up + tails, which BEN no sooner perceived than he availed himself + of a blessing that had, indeed, come to him in disguise!</p> + + <p>But the Bishop—what of him? Nemesis overtook him at + last. The discontent long smouldering in his diocese broke out + into a climax. Thousands of Curates, inflamed by professional + agitators, went out on strike, and their first victim was the + Bishop of TIMBERTOWS, who was discovered prostrate one dark + night by his horrified Chaplain. He had been picketed as a + Blackleg!</p> + + <center> + THE END. + </center> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>Copies of the above may be obtained for + distribution, at very reasonable terms, on application to + the Author</i>.)</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>PLAYTIME FOR A DOLL'S HOUSE.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—According to a well-known Critic, + writing of a morning performance of <i>The Doll's House</i> on + Tuesday, the 27th ult., at Terry's Theatre, "There is no need + to discuss IBSEN's piece any more." I will go a little further, + and say, not only should the play be spared discussion, but + also performance. All that could be done for this miserable + drama (if a work utterly devoid of dramatic interest can be so + entitled) was effected some years since, when <i>Breaking a + Butterfly</i>, a version with Messrs. HERMAN and JONES as + adapters, was played at the Prince's (now Prince of Wales's) + Theatre. I believe some one or other has said that that version + was misleading, because it modified IBSEN, and did not reveal + him in his true colours. This I can readily believe, as my + recollection of <i>Breaking a Butterfly</i> merely suggests + boredom; whereas, when I consider <i>The Doll's House</i> of + Tuesday, I distinctly mingle with boredom a recollection of + something that caused a feeling of absolute loathing. That + something, I imagine, must be the new matter which was absent + from the first version, and crops up in the text of the second, + which, according to the Play-bill, appears "in Vol. I. of the + authorised edition of IBSEN's Prose Dramas, edited by WILLIAM + ARCHER, and published by Mr. WALTER SCOTT." By the way, I must + confess that, although the name of the Editor is not familiar + to me as a dramatic author, his superintendence of the + authorised text seems to have been performed sufficiently + creditably to have rendered him as worthy of an honourable + prefix as the publisher. Why omit the "Mr."? Now I come to + think of it, there is an Englishman, not unconnected with + dramatic literature, who is known nowadays as WILLIAM, without + the prefix of Mister, but in his own time he was known as + Master WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, and Master he remains. "But this," + as Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, "is quite another + WILLIAM."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/65.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65.png" + alt="Fancy Picture of Hanwellian Admirer of the Ibsenesque Drama thoroughly enjoying himself." /> + </a>Fancy Picture of Hanwellian Admirer of the Ibsenesque + Drama thoroughly enjoying himself. + </div> + + <p>I have not the original for reference handy, but the version + played at Terry's Theatre bears internal evidence of a close + translation. An adapter, I fancy, with a free hand would + scarcely have made one of the characters use the same exit + speech on two occasions. <i>Nils Krogstad</i> does this. He can + think of nothing better than, "If I am flung into the gutter, + you shall accompany me," repeated twice with the slight + variation, "If I am flung into the gutter for the second time, + you shall accompany me," used for the last exit. Again, + <i>Torvald Helmer</i> has a long monologue in the final Act + that a practised playwright would have "broken up" with the + assistance of a portrait, or a letter, or something. From this + it would appear that the Editor, WILLIAM ARCHER (without the + "Mr.") has very faithfully produced the exact translation of + the original. To be hypercritical, I might suggest that perhaps + occasionally the version is rather <i>too</i> literal. For + instance, <i>Torvald Helmer</i>, although he is cursed with one + of the most offensive wives known to creation, would scarcely + call her "a little lark," which conveys the impression that he + is a "gay dog," and one given to the traditional ways of that + species of ultra-sociable animals. I have confessed I have not + the original before me, so I cannot say whether the title used + by IBSEN is "<i>Smalle Larke</i>," but I fancy that a "capering + capercailzie," if not actually his <i>words</i>, would be + nearer his <i>meaning</i>. A capercailzie is, according to the + dictionaries, a bird of "a delicious flavour" and partially + "green;" it is also found in Norway "very fine and large," as + IBSEN might say. Surely <i>Torvald</i> would have thus + described his semi-verdant <i>Nora</i>, finding her distinctly + to his taste.</p> + + <p>Returning to what I venture to imagine must be "new matter" + not in the Herman-<i>plus</i>-Jonesian version, I consider the + scene in which <i>Nora</i> chaffs <i>Dr. Rank</i> about his + illness absolutely nauseous, and the drink-inspired admiration + of husband for wife in the concluding Act repulsive to the last + degree. On Tuesday the spectators received the piece with + patient apathy; and, this being the case, I could not help + feeling that anyone who could single out such a play as + suitable for performance before an English audience, could + scarcely possess the acumen generally considered a necessary + adjunct to the qualifications of an efficient Dramatic Critic. + The hero, the heroine, the doctor, as prigs, could only appeal + to prigs, and thank goodness the average London theatre-goer is + the reverse of a prig. There was but one redeeming point in the + play—its conclusion. It ends happily in <i>Nora</i>, + forger, liar, and—hem—wedded flirt, being separated + from her innocent children.</p> + + <p>For the rest, the piece was fairly well acted. But when the + Curtain had fallen for the last time, and the audience were + departing more in sadness than in anger, I could not help + asking myself the question, Had the advantages obtained in + witnessing the performance balanced the expense incurred in + securing a seat? I am forced to reply in the negative, as I + sign myself regretfully,</p> + + <p class="author">ONE WHO PAID FOR A PLACE IN THE PIT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>I see three ladies in a drawing-room, each with a green + volume. "What is it?" No, they won't hear. Each one is intent + on her volume, and an irritable answer, in a don't bother kind + of manner, is all that I can obtain. The novel is Miss + BRADDON's latest, <i>One Life, One Love</i> (but three volumes, + for all that), in which they are absorbed. Later on, at + intervals, I get the volumes, and, raven-like, secrete them. I + can quite understand the absorption of my young friends. + Marvellous, Miss BRADDON! Very few have approached you in + sensation-writing, and none in keeping up sensationalism as + fresh as ever it was when first I sat up at night nervously to + read <i>Aurora Floyd</i>, and <i>Lady Audley's Secret</i>. In + this bad time of year (I am writing when the snow is without, + and the North-East wind is engaged in cutting leaves), the + Baron recommends remaining indoors with this Three-volume Novel + as a between lunch and dinner companion, only don't take it up + to your bed-room, and sit over the fire with it, or—but + there, I won't mention the consequences. Keep it till daylight + doth appear. The Baron being a busy man—no, Sir, not a + busy-body,—is grateful to the authors of good short + stories in Magazines. Many others agree with the Baron, who + wishes to recommend "Saint or Satan" in <i>The Argosy</i>; The + story of an "Old Beau," which might have been advantageously + abbreviated in <i>Scribner</i>; an odd tale entitled, "The + Phantom Portrait," in the <i>Cornhill</i>; which leaves the + reader in doubt as to whether he has been egregiously "sold" or + not; and, above all, the short and interesting—too short + and most interesting—paper on THACKERAY, in <i>Harper's + Monthly</i>, with fac-similes of some of the great humorist's + most eccentric and most spirited illustrations, conceived in + the broadly burlesquing spirit that was characteristic of + GILRAY and ROWLANDSON. THACKERAY, philosopher and satirist, who + can take us behind the scenes of every show in <i>Vanity + fair</i>, who can depict the career of the scoundrel <i>Barry + Lyndon</i>, of the heathen <i>Becky Sharp</i>, and the + death-bed of the Christian soldier and gentleman, + <i>dignissimus, Colonel Newcome</i>, could on occasion, and + when a rollicking spirit moved him, put on a pantomime mask + (have we not his own pathetic vignette representing him doing + this?) to amuse the children, or give us some rare burlesque + writing and drawing to set us all on the broad grin. The Baron + trusts that Mrs. RITCHIE will give us more of this, and + sincerely hopes that there may be a "lot more" caricatures in + that portfolio "where these came from." I heartily thank you + for so much, and respectfully ask for more, says yours, very + gratefully,</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>In Memoriam.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Strong man and strenuous fighter, stricken down</p> + + <p>Just when foes owned thee neither knave nor + clown!</p> + + <p>The fiercest of them, time-taught, need not fear</p> + + <p>To drop a blossom now on BRADLAUGH's bier.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ARTHUR AND COMPOSER.—Saturday, January 31.—First + night of SULLIVAN's <i>Ivanhoe</i> in D'OYLEY CARTE's new + Theatre. Full inside, all right. Sir ARTHUR's success. We + congratulate him Arthurly, CARTE called before + horse,—should say before Curtain, but t'other came so + naturally,—looked pale,—quite <i>carte blanche</i>; + but, like SULLIVAN's music, composed. Could get a CARTE, but no + cab. Gallant gentlemen and delicate ladies braving rain and + slosh. More in our next, but for the present ... (<i>Paroxysm + of sneezing</i>).</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" + id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:67%;"> + <a href="images/66.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/66.png" + alt="ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. AN ICE PICTURE." /> + </a> + + <h3>ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. AN ICE PICTURE.</h3> + + <p><i>Fair Damsel</i>. "WHAT A LOT OF HOLIDAYS YOU SEEM TO + GET, MR. MINIVER!"</p> + + <p><i>Pet Curate</i>. "WELL, YES. I KEEP A RECTOR, YOU + KNOW."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WHAT DO <i>YOU</i> THINK?</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>A Song of the Session, as sung by that Eminent and + Evergreen Lion Comique</i>, "JOLLY GLAD" <i>at the St. + Stephen's Hall of Varieties, Westminster.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>JOLLY GLAD, <i>sings</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With a flower in my coat,</p> + + <p>With a keen eye for a vote,</p> + + <p>And a sense the things to note,</p> + + <p class="i10">Buff and Blue think,</p> + + <p>With fond millions to admire,</p> + + <p>A last triumph to desire,—</p> + + <p>Am I going to <i>Retire</i>?—</p> + + <p class="i10">What do <i>you</i> think?</p> + + <p>Oh, I know the quidnuncs vapour,</p> + + <p>And that <i>Tadpole</i>, yes, and <i>Taper</i>,</p> + + <p>Tell in many a twaddling paper,</p> + + <p class="i10">What the few think;</p> + + <p>But <i>they</i> cater for the classes,</p> + + <p>Whilst <i>I'm</i> champion of the masses,</p> + + <p>Fly before such braying asses?—</p> + + <p class="i10">What do <i>you</i> think?</p> + + <p>Wish is father to their thought,</p> + + <p>Their wild hope with fear is fraught.</p> + + <p>They are not <i>au fait</i> to aught</p> + + <p class="i10">Liberals true think.</p> + + <p>They imagine "Mr. Fox"</p> + + <p>Has delivered such hard knocks</p> + + <p>That <i>impasse</i> my pathway blocks!—</p> + + <p class="i10">What do <i>you</i> think?</p> + + <p>Just inspect me, if you please!</p> + + <p>Is my pose not marked by ease?</p> + + <p><i>Am</i> I going at the knees,</p> + + <p class="i10">Like a "screw" Think!</p> + + <p>Pooh! The part of Sisyphus</p> + + <p>Suits me well. Why make a fuss?</p> + + <p>Eh? Retire,—and leave things thus?</p> + + <p class="i10">What do <i>you</i> think?</p> + + <p>On the—say the Lyric Stage—</p> + + <p>For some years I've been the rage,</p> + + <p>And some histrios touched by age</p> + + <p class="i10">Of Adieu think.</p> + + <p>But I'm like that "Awful Dad,"</p> + + <p>Though this makes my rivals mad,</p> + + <p>Don't true Gladdyites feel glad?</p> + + <p class="i10">What do you think?</p> + + <p>I'm a genuine Evergreen;</p> + + <p>It is that excites their spleen</p> + + <p>Who my lingering on the scene</p> + + <p class="i10">A great "do" think.</p> + + <p>I regret, <i>so</i> much, to tease them!</p> + + <p>My last exit would much ease them.</p> + + <p>But Retire!—and just to please them!</p> + + <p class="i10">What do <i>you</i> think?</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Winks and walks round.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>A DREAMY MADNESS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The other night I went to bed,—</p> + + <p class="i2">It may seem strange, but still I did + it,—</p> + + <p>And laid to rest my weary head</p> + + <p class="i2">So that the bed-clothes nearly hid + it;</p> + + <p>Which was perhaps the reason why</p> + + <p class="i2">My brain throughout the night was + teeming</p> + + <p>With truly wondrous sights, and I</p> + + <p class="i2">Was wholly given o'er to dreaming.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas on the Twenty-first of May,</p> + + <p class="i2">The streets were filled to + overflowing,</p> + + <p>The streets, that in a curious way</p> + + <p class="i2">Were clean although it kept on + snowing.</p> + + <p>The daily papers for a change</p> + + <p class="i2">Came out each day without a leader,</p> + + <p>But, what was surely rather strange,</p> + + <p class="i2">They didn't lose a single reader!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I saw a Bishop in a tram,</p> + + <p class="i2">Although he knew it was a Sunday;</p> + + <p>The lion lay down with the lamb,</p> + + <p class="i2">And CLEMENT SCOTT with SYDNEY GRUNDY.</p> + + <p>Professor HUXLEY said, "In truth</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm really sick to death of rows," + and</p> + + <p>Wrote there and then to General BOOTH</p> + + <p class="i2">To put his name down for a thousand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I heard that Mr. PARNELL wrote</p> + + <p class="i2">(Much to McCARTHY's jubilation)</p> + + <p>A very kind and civil note,</p> + + <p class="i2">In which he sent his resignation;</p> + + <p>Whilst ANDREW LANG with weary air</p> + + <p class="i2">Professed himself completely + staggered</p> + + <p>To think how anyone could care</p> + + <p class="i2">To read a line of RIDER HAGGARD.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The House of Commons talked about</p> + + <p class="i2">The case of Mr. + BRADLAUGH—whether</p> + + <p>The Motion which has kept him out</p> + + <p class="i2">Should now be struck out altogether;</p> + + <p>And OLD MORALITY arose</p> + + <p class="i2">To say they felt no ancient + <i>animus</i>,</p> + + <p>And when they voted, why of Noes</p> + + <p class="i2">There wasn't one—they were + <i>unanimous</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I started up, no more to sleep,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dream somehow had seemed to spoil + it,</p> + + <p>Nor did it take me long to leap</p> + + <p class="i2">Out of my bed and make my toilet.</p> + + <p>I went down-stairs, and with surprise</p> + + <p class="i2">I thought of those my dream had + slandered,</p> + + <p>And there, before my very eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>I saw it printed in the</i> + STANDARD!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I wish I hadn't gone to bed.</p> + + <p class="i2">I can't imagine why I did it.</p> + + <p>Nor why I laid my weary head</p> + + <p class="i2">So that the clothes completely hid + it.</p> + + <p>Although I think that must be why</p> + + <p class="i2">My brain has ever since been teeming;</p> + + <p>But tell me (if you can) am I</p> + + <p class="i2">At present mad, or <i>was</i> I + dreaming?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" + id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/67.png" + alt="'RETIRE!—WHAT DO <i>YOU</i> THINK?'" /> + </a> + + <h3>"RETIRE!—WHAT DO <i>YOU</i> THINK?"</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" + id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/69.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/69.png" + alt="THE STOPPING OR REMOVAL OF A 'GRINDER.'" /></a> + + <h3>THE STOPPING OR REMOVAL OF A "GRINDER."</h3>A SKETCH IN + THE STREETS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON, the new indestructible cloth.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON is a stubborn and inflexible material.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON is made, by a new process, from blockwood + and paving-stones.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON, used for gentlemen's coats, will not only + keep out rain and wind, but thunder and lightning.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON never breaks or bends, but only bursts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON.—A "PURCHASER" writes—"I sat + down in a pair of your trousers, but could never get up + again."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON.—Another "CUSTOMER" says—"The + dress-coat you supplied me with fitted me well. I could not + take it off without having recourse to a sledge-hammer."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply the cheapest and worst in + the market.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, hand-picked by the Duke himself, + on whose property the mines are situated.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, carefully selected, screened and + delivered (in the dark), anywhere within a ten-mile radius of + Charing Cross at 9<i>s.</i> 6<i>d</i>, a ton, for cash on + delivery.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply a wonderful article at the + price. Throws down a heavy brown ash. No flame, no heat. + Frequently explodes, scattering the contents of the grate over + the largest room.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY beg to refer intending purchasers + to the accompanying testimonial: "Gentlemen,—Do what I + will, I cannot get your coals to light. Put on in sufficient + quantity they will extinguish any fire. I have worn out three + drawing-room pokers in my endeavours to stir them into a flame, + but all to no purpose. Steeped in petroleum, they might + possibly ignite in a double-draught furnace, though I fancy + they would put it out. They are as you advertise them, a 'show + coal for summer use.' Don't send me any more."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CHARLIE AND SARAH.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—Why should ARISTOTLE be the only + author whose works get discovered? I found the following story, + written on papyrus, and enclosed in a copper cylinder, in my + back garden, and I am positive that it is not ARISTOTLE. Can it + possibly have been written by that amiable and instructive + authoress whose stories for children have recently been + reprinted? Yours, &c., HENRY ST. OTLE.</p> + + <p>CHARLIE was a very obedient little boy, and his sister SARAH + was a good, patient little girl. One beautiful summer's day + they went to stay for a week with their Uncle WILLIAM, a man of + very high principles, who was not quite used to the proper + method with children. On the evening of their arrival, as they + were seated in front of the fire, CHARLIE lifted up his bright, + obedient, beautiful face, and said, thoughtfully:</p> + + <p>"Pray, Uncle WILLIAM, cannot we have one of those + instructive and amusing conversations such as children love, + about refraction, and relativity, and initial velocity, and + Mesopotamia generally?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, Uncle WILLIAM!" said SARAH, pausing to wipe her + patient little nose; "Our dear Papa is always so pleasant and + polysyllabic on these subjects."</p> + + <p>Then Uncle WILLIAM regretted that he had paid less attention + in his youth to the shilling science primers, but he pulled + himself together and determined to do his best. "Certainly, my + dear children, nothing could please me more. Now here I have a + jug and a glass. You will observe that I pour some water from + the jug into the glass. This illustrates one of the properties + of water. Can you tell me what I mean?"</p> + + <p>"Fluidity!" said both the children, with enthusiasm.</p> + + <p>"Yes, quite so, and—er—er—has a brick + fluidity?"</p> + + <p>"Why, no, Uncle WILLIAM!"</p> + + <p>"Well—er—<i>why</i> hasn't it?" asked Uncle + WILLIAM, with something almost like desperation in his + voice.</p> + + <p>"That, Uncle," said the obedient CHARLIE, "is one of the + things which we should like to learn from you to-night."</p> + + <p>"Yes, we shall come to that; but, in order to make you + understand it better, I must carry my experiment a little + further. In this decanter I have what is called whiskey. I pour + some of it into the water. Now it is more usual to put the + whiskey in first, and the water afterwards. Can you tell me why + that is so? Think it out for yourselves." And Uncle WILLIAM + smiled genially.</p> + + <p>There was silence for a few moments. Then little SARAH said, + timidly: "I think it must be because, when a man wishes to + drink, whiskey is the first thing which naturally occurs to his + mind. He does not think about water until afterwards."</p> + + <p>"Quite right. That is the explanation of the scientists. And + why do you think I put in the water first and the whiskey + afterwards?"</p> + + <p>"It was," said CHARLIE, brightly, "in order that we might + not see so exactly how much whiskey you took."</p> + + <p>"No, that's quite wrong. I did it out of sheer originality. + Now what would happen if I drank this curious mixture?"</p> + + <p>"You would be breaking the pledge, Uncle WILLIAM," said both + children, promptly and heartily.</p> + + <p>"Wrong again. I should be acting under doctor's orders."</p> + + <p>"Why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, + patiently.</p> + + <p>"Don't interrupt, my dear child. We're coming to that. Now, + CHARLIE, when you eat or drink anything, where does it go?"</p> + + <p>"It goes into my little—oh, no, Uncle, I cannot say + that word," and CHARLIE, who was of a singularly modest and + refined disposition, buried his face in his hands, and blushed + deeply.</p> + + <p>"Admirable!" exclaimed Uncle WILLIAM. "One cannot be too + refined. Call it the blank. It goes into your blank. Well, + whiskey raises the tone of the blank. Just as, when you screw + up the peg of a violin, you raise the tone of the string. By + drinking this I raise the tone of my blank." He suited the + action to the word.</p> + + <p>"Now you'll be screwed," said CHARLIE, "like the pegs of + the—"</p> + + <p>"On one glass of weak whiskey-and-water—never!"</p> + + <p>"But why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, quite + patiently.</p> + + <p>"First of all, listen to this. That whiskey-and-water is now + inside me. I want you to understand what <i>inside</i> means. + Go and stand in the passage, and shut the door of this room + after you."</p> + + <p>"But, Uncle," said SARAH, patiently, "why hasn't a brick + any—"</p> + + <p>"Hush, SARAH, hush!" said the obedient CHARLIE. "It is our + duty to obey Uncle WILLIAM in all things."</p> + + <p>So the two children went out of the room, and shut the door + after them. Uncle WILLIAM went to the door, and locked it.</p> + + <p>"Now then," he said, cheerily, "I am inside. And where are + you?"</p> + + <p>"Outside."</p> + + <p>"Yes—and outside you'll stop. One of the servants will + put you to bed." And Uncle WILLIAM went back to the + decanter.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" + id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/70.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/70.png" + alt="ANOTHER SCENE FROM THE PANTOMIME AT ST. STEPHEN'S." /> + </a> + + <h3>ANOTHER SCENE FROM THE PANTOMIME AT ST. + STEPHEN'S.</h3><i>The Illuminated Doorway. Brilliant effect + lately introduced into the House of Commons.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" + id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> + + <h2>A DEAD FROST.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When I saw you on "a January morning,"</p> + + <p class="i2">With a very little pair of skates + indeed,</p> + + <p>And the frosty glow your fairy face adorning,</p> + + <p class="i2">I was suddenly from other passions + freed.</p> + + <p>And the year at its imperial beginning</p> + + <p>Showed the woman who alone was worth the + winning;</p> + + <p>Though the growing flame awhile I tried to + smother</p> + + <p class="i10">Like a brother;</p> + + <p>And that's a very common phase indeed,</p> + + <p class="i10">As we read.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My hat and stick I suddenly found fleeting,</p> + + <p class="i2">And they whistled o'er the surface, + smooth and black,</p> + + <p>And the ice, with an unwonted warmth of + greeting,</p> + + <p class="i2">Slapt me suddenly and hard upon the + back.</p> + + <p>I didn't mind your laughing, if the laughter</p> + + <p>Had left no sting of scorn to rankle after.</p> + + <p>Though I'd joyously have flung myself before you</p> + + <p class="i10">To adore you,</p> + + <p>Still to sit with all one's might upon the ice</p> + + <p class="i10">Isn't nice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When I met you in the lordly local ball-room,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where you queen'd it, the suburban + world's desire,</p> + + <p>Though your programme for my name had left but small + room,</p> + + <p class="i2">I somehow snatched five valses from the + fire.</p> + + <p>And I did stout supper-service for your mother,</p> + + <p>While you wove the self-same spells o'er many + another,</p> + + <p>And I said, no doubt, the sort of things that they + did,</p> + + <p class="i10">In the shaded</p> + + <p>Little nook beneath the palms upon the stair,</p> + + <p class="i10">To my fair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But I noticed, as I learned to know you better,</p> + + <p class="i2">And you ceased to wile the victim at your + feet,</p> + + <p>There was very little silk about the fetter,</p> + + <p class="i2">And 'twere flattery to say your sway was + sweet:</p> + + <p>Nay, you made the light and airy shrine of + beauty</p> + + <p>A centre for the most exacting duty,</p> + + <p>And the fealty of the family undoubting</p> + + <p class="i10">Met with flouting,</p> + + <p>As a tribute which was nothing but your due,</p> + + <p class="i10">As they knew.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your Papa is getting elderly and bulky,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he loves you as the apple of his + eye,</p> + + <p>Yet very little things will make you sulky,</p> + + <p class="i2">And to meet his little ways you never + try.</p> + + <p>And I see him look a trifle hurt and puzzled,</p> + + <p>And his love for you is often check'd and + muzzled;</p> + + <p>Yet I think, upon the whole, that I would rather</p> + + <p class="i10">Be your father,</p> + + <p>Than the lover you could torture at your ease,</p> + + <p class="i10">If you please.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>STRANGE, BUT TRUE.</h3> + + <p>Sir,—Under the heading of "Ecclesiastical + Intelligence" in the <i>Times</i> of Saturday, I read that, + "The LORD CHANCELLOR has preferred the Rev. W.R. WELCH, of + Hull, to the Vicarage of Withernwick, East Yorkshire," I + presume the LORD CHANCELLOR knows both the gentleman and the + place thoroughly, and so wisely elects which he prefers; but to + one who, like myself and thousands of others, know neither, it + strikes me that I would certainly prefer the place to the + parson, however worthy. It is, indeed, gratifying to see that + the Highest Representative of Law and Order in the realm, after + HER GRACIOUS MAJESTY, is so utterly uninfluenced by any + mercenary motives. I send this by Private Post, an old soldier, + and am yours enthusiastically,</p> + + <p class="author">NOODLE DE NOODLE.</p> + + <p><i>The Retreat, Hanwell-on-Sea.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>"BETTER LATE THAN NEVER."—Two Jurymen, says a + paragraph in last Saturday's <i>Times</i>, wrote to the + Solicitor acting for a female prisoner, one CUTLER, who had + been convicted of perjury and sentenced at Chester, to say that + they "gave in to a verdict of Guilty because it was very late, + and one gentleman had an important business engagement at + home." This recalls the line, "And wretches hang that Jurymen + may dine." The remainder of ELLEN CUTLER's sentence of five + years' penal servitude is remitted. It is satisfactory to know + that these two had the courage of their opinions before it was + too late.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/71-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/71-1.png" + alt="SYMPATHETIC EGOISM OF GENIUS." /></a> + + <h3>SYMPATHETIC EGOISM OF GENIUS.</h3>(<i>A + Study.</i>)<br /> + "DON'T RUN AWAY YET, OLD MAN! IT'S QUITE EARLY, AND I WANT + TO HEAR ALL ABOUT YOUR ACADEMY PICTURE, WHICH I'M TOLD IS + SPLENDID." + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Proceeds to describe his</i> own <i>at great + length, and then suddenly finds out how late it is, and + bolts!</i></p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, Jan. 26.</i>—PLUNKET + undoubtedly the most successful Commissioner of Works of recent + times. A little coolness sprung up between him and CAVENDISH + BENTINCK about those staircases in Westminster Hall. But + <i>chacun a son</i> idea of a staircase. PLUNKET quite as + likely to be right as C.B. Always doing something to improve + arrangements of House. Does it quietly, too; Members know + nothing about it till they come down and find new Smoking-room, + fresh arrangements of lights, new rooms for Ministers, and + occasionally a priceless old table adorning Tea-room. Various + accounts of its origin. Some say Magna Charta signed on it. + Others fixing earlier date and attracted by the initials "W.R." + clearly carved on left leg, affirm that it is the very table on + which WILLIAM REX took his five o'clock tea after Battle of + Hastings.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/71-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/71-2.png" + alt="'Dear me!'" /></a>"Dear me!" + </div> + + <p>Latest surprise prepared by First Commissioner is + illumination of entrance to House from Lobby, cunningly + effected by electric lights set within recesses of arch. + SCHNAD-HORST, revisiting House after long interval, astonished + at this. "Making things very comfortable in anticipation of our + coming in," he says, smiling sweetly.</p> + + <p>Later came upon NICHOLAS WOODS; found him standing in + attitude of patient and intelligent expectation. "What are you + waiting there for?" I asked. "Why don't you come in and hear + SWINBURNE make one or two speeches on Tithes + Bill?"</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" + id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> + + <p>"Well—er—fact is," said NICHOLAS, steadfastly + keeping his eyes on archway, "WILFRID LAWSON told me that if I + was here about eleven o'clock I would see PLUNKET and the + ATTORNEY-GENERAL come out under the archway dancing a <i>pas de + deux</i>. Couldn't make out when I arrived what the + illumination was for; asked LAWSON. 'Oh' says he, 'it's the + First Commissioner's reminiscence of one of the alcoves at + Vauxhall Gardens.' Then he told me about PLUNKET and WEBSTER. + Thought I'd like to see it. Do you think it's all right?"</p> + + <p>"Well," I said, "ALBERT ROLLIT <i>did</i> tell me something + about ATTORNEY-GENERAL going on the Spree. But that was in + Germany, and he had his skates with him. Don't know how it'll + be here. You mustn't forget that WILFRID's something of a wag. + Wouldn't advise you to wait much after eleven o'clock."</p> + + <p>House engaged all night on Tithes Bill. Not particularly + lively. Towards midnight TANNER, preternaturally quiet since + House met, suddenly woke up, and, <i>à propos de bottes</i>, + moved to report progress. COURTNEY down on him like cartload of + bricks; declined to put Motion, declaring it abuse of forms of + House. This rather depressing. In good old times there would + have been an outburst of indignation in Irish camp; Chairman's + ruling challenged, and squabble agreeably occupied rest of + evening. But times changed. No Irish present to back TANNER, + who, with despairing look round, subsided, and business went + forward without further check.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Tithes Bill in Committee.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/72-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72-1.png" + alt="Exit!" /></a>Exit! + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Mr. DICK DE LISLE came down to House + to-night full of high resolve. Hadn't yet been a Member of + House when it shook from time to time with the roar of + controversy round BRADLAUGH, his oath, his affirmation, and his + stylographic pen. At that time was in Singapore, helping Sir + FREDERICK WELD to govern the Straits Settlement. But had + watched controversy closely, and had contributed to its + settlement by writing a luminous treatise, entitled, <i>The + Parliamentary Oath</i>. Now, by chance, the question cropped up + again. BRADLAUGH had secured first place on to-night's order + for his Motion rescinding famous Resolution of June, 1880, + declaring him ineligible to take his seat. BRADLAUGH ill in + bed; sick unto death, as it seemed; but HUNTER had taken up + task for him, and would move Resolution. Of course the + Government would oppose it; if necessary, DE LISLE would assist + them with argument. In any case, they should have his vote. + Heard SOLICITOR-GENERAL with keen satisfaction. He showed not + only the undesirability and impossibility of acceding to + proposition, but denounced it as "absolutely childish." Mr. G. + followed; but Mr. G. said the same kind of things eleven years + ago, when he was Leader of triumphant party, and had been + defeated again and again. Of course same fate awaited him now. + Government had spoken through mouth of SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and + there was an end on't.</p> + + <p>Not quite. STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, unaccustomed participant in + debate, presented himself. Stood immediately behind OLD + MORALITY, by way of testifying to his unaltered loyalty. At + same time he suggested that, after all, would be as well to + humour BRADLAUGH and his friends, and strike out Resolution. + Then OLD MORALITY rose from side of SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and, + unmindful of that eminent Lawyer's irresistible argument and + uncompromising declaration, said, "on the whole," perhaps + NORTHCOTE was right, and so mote it be.</p> + + <p>The elect of Mid-Leicestershire gasped for air. Did his ears + deceive him, or was this the end of the famous BRADLAUGH + incidents? OLD MORALITY, in his cheerful way, suggested that, + as they were doing the thing, they had better do it + unanimously. General cheer approved. DE LISLE started to his + feet. One voice, at least, should be heard in protest against + this shameful surrender. Began in half-choked voice: evidently + struggling against some strange temptation; talked about the + Parnell Commission; accused House of legalising atheism, and + whitewashing treason; argued at length with Mr. G. on doctrine + of excess of jurisdiction. Observed, as he went on, to be + waving his hands as if repelling some object; turned his head + on one side as if he would fain escape apparition; House looked + on wonderingly. At length, with something like subdued sob, DE + LISLE gave way, and Members learned what had troubled him. It + was dear old <i>Mr. Dick's</i> complaint. Standing up to + present his Memorial against tergiversation of OLD MORALITY, DE + LISLE could not help dragging in head of CHARLES THE FIRST. "As + a Royalist," he said, "I should maintain that the House of + Commons exceeded its jurisdiction when it ordered King CHARLES + THE FIRST to be beheaded, but I never heard that it was + proposed, after the Restoration, to expunge the Resolution from + the books."</p> + + <p>Irreverent House went off into roars of laughter, amid which + <i>Mr. Dick</i>, more than ever bewildered, sat down, and + presently went out to ask <i>Miss Betsy Trottwood</i> why they + laughed.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Resolution of June, 1880, + declaring BRADLAUGH ineligible to sit, expunged from + journals.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—As OLD MORALITY finely says, "The + worm persistently incommoded by inconvenient attentions will + finally assume an aggressive attitude." So it has proved + to-night. SYDNEY GEDGE long been object of contumelious + attention. Members jeer at him when he rises; talk whilst he + orates; laugh when he is serious, are serious when he is + facetious. But the wounded worm has turned at last. SYDNEY has + struck. GEDGE has been goaded once too often.</p> + + <p>It was COURTNEY brought it about. Been six hours in Chair in + Committee on Tithes Bill; feeling faint and weary, glad to + refresh himself with sparkling conversation of Grand Young + GARDNER; GEDGE on his feet at moment in favourite oratorial + attitude; pulverising Amendment moved by GRAY; thought, as he + proceeded, he heard another voice. Could it be? Yes; it was + Chairman of Committees conversing with frivolous elderly young + man whilst he (S.G.) was debating the Tithes Bill! Should he + pass over this last indignity? No; honour of House must be + vindicated; lofty standard of debate must be maintained; the + higher the position of offender the more urgent his duty to + strike a blow. Was standing at the moment aligned with Chair; + paused in argument; faced about to the right and marched with + solemn steps to the end of Gangway, the Bench having been + desolated by his speech so far as it had gone.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/72-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72-2.png" + alt="In revolt." /></a>In revolt. + </div> + + <p>"Sir," he said, bending angry brows on Chairman, "I am + afraid my speech interrupted your conversation. Therefore I + have moved further away."</p> + + <p>That was all, but it was enough. HERBERT GARDNER slunk away, + COURTNEY hastily turned over pages of the Bill; hung down his + guilty head, and tried to look as if it were MILMAN who had + been engaged in conversation. Now MILMAN was asleep.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Level flow of Debate on Tithes + Bill interrupted by revolt of SYDNEY GEDGE.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Rather a disappointing evening from + Opposition point of view. In advance, was expected to be + brilliant field-night. Irish Administration to be attacked all + along line; necessity for new departure demonstrated. + SHAW-LEFEVRE led off with Resolution demanding establishment of + Courts of Arbitration. Large muster of Members. Mr. G. in his + place; expected to speak; but presently went off; others fell + away, and all the running made from Ministerial Benches. + SHAW-LEFEVRE roasted mercilessly. House roared at SAUNDERSON's + description of his going to interview SULTAN, and being shown + into stable to make acquaintance of SULTAN's horse. Prince + ARTHUR turned on unhappy man full blast of withering scorn. + Don't know whether SHAW-LEFEVRE felt it; some men rather be + kicked than not noticed at all; but Liberals felt they had been + drawn into ridiculous position, and murmured bad words. "What's + the use," they ask, "of winning Hartlepool out of doors, if + things are so managed that we are made ridiculous within?"</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—SHAW-LEFEVRE's Resolution on + Irish Land Question negatived by 213 Votes against 152.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Thermidor" up to Date.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Toned down for English Reception.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Last Act—On the road to the + Guillotine—Hero, instead of Heroine, about to be + executed—Heroine imploring Hero to sign + paper.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Heroine</i>. Attach but your signature, and you are + free!</p> + + <p><i>Hero</i> (<i>after reading document in a tone of + horror</i>). What, a vow to marry, with the prospect of a + breach of promise case to follow! Never! Death is preferable! + [<i>Exit to be guillotined. Curtain.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>AN ARTIST AND A WHISTLER.—M. COQUELIN has summoned M. + LISSAGARAY for having thrown a whistle at him on the night of + the <i>Thermidor</i> row. It is to be hoped that by this time + M. LISSAGARAY will have been made to pay for his whistle.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13074 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13074-h/images/61-1.png b/13074-h/images/61-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4119ba8 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/61-1.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/61-2.png b/13074-h/images/61-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c3e7f06 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/61-2.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/62.png b/13074-h/images/62.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e236ad6 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/62.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/63-1.png b/13074-h/images/63-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..095cc71 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/63-1.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/63-2.png b/13074-h/images/63-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f8a8c7c --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/63-2.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/63-3.png b/13074-h/images/63-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8e06442 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/63-3.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/63-4.png b/13074-h/images/63-4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3d3c6ed --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/63-4.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/63-5.png b/13074-h/images/63-5.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..31e79bd --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/63-5.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/63-6.png b/13074-h/images/63-6.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dda984e --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/63-6.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/64-1.png b/13074-h/images/64-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ed6c39 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/64-1.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/64-2.png b/13074-h/images/64-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..67cd6f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/64-2.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/65.png b/13074-h/images/65.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b62b307 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/65.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/66.png b/13074-h/images/66.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a8159e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/66.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/67.png b/13074-h/images/67.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..db3302c --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/67.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/69.png b/13074-h/images/69.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..93efa5f --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/69.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/70.png b/13074-h/images/70.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..48d1ce0 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/70.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/71-1.png b/13074-h/images/71-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f479f6b --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/71-1.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/71-2.png b/13074-h/images/71-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a9901f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/71-2.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/72-1.png b/13074-h/images/72-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d07093d --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/72-1.png diff --git a/13074-h/images/72-2.png b/13074-h/images/72-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8d37e34 --- /dev/null +++ b/13074-h/images/72-2.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ebbee9b --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13074 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13074) diff --git a/old/13074-8.txt b/old/13074-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0226153 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13074-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1770 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., +February 7, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., February 7, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 1, 2004 [EBook #13074] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +February 7, 1891. + + + + +THE "MODEL HUSBAND" CONTEST. + +SCENE THE FIRST--_AT THE GALAHAD-GREENS'_. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ GALAHAD! + +_Mr. G.-G._ (_meekly_). My love? + +[Illustration] + +_Mrs. G.-G._ I see that the proprietors of _All Sorts_ are going to +follow the American example, and offer a prize of £20 to the wife +who makes out the best case for her husband as a Model. It's just as +well, perhaps, that you should know that I've made up my mind to enter +_you_! + +_Mr. G.-G._ (_gratified_). My dear CORNELIA! really, I'd no idea you +had such a-- + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Nonsense! The drawing-room carpet is a perfect disgrace, +and, as you can't, or won't, provide the money in any _other_ way, +why--Would you like to hear what I've said about you? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Well, if you're sure it wouldn't he troubling you too +much, I _should_, my dear. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Then sit where I can see you, and listen. (_She reads._) +"Irreproachable in all that pertains to morality"--(and it would +be a bad day indeed for you, GALAHAD, if I ever had cause to think +_otherwise_.')--"morality; scrupulously dainty and neat in his +person"--(ah, you may well blush, GALAHAD, but, fortunately, they +won't want me to _produce_ you!)--"he imports into our happy home the +delicate refinement of a _preux chevalier_ of the olden time." (Will +you kindly take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) "We rule +our little kingdom with a joint and equal sway, to which jealousy +and friction are alike unknown; he, considerate and indulgent to +my womanly weakness,"--(You need not stare at me in that perfectly +idiotic fashion!)--"I, looking to him for the wise and tender support +which has never yet been denied. The close and daily scrutiny of +many years has discovered"--(What are you shaking like _that_ +for?)--"discovered no single weakness; no taint or flaw of character; +no irritating trick of speech or habit." (How often have I told you +that I will _not_ have the handle of that paper-knife sucked? Put it +down; do!) "His conversation--sparkling but ever spiritual--renders +our modest meals veritable feasts of fancy and flows of soul ... +_Well_, GALAHAD? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Nothing, my dear; nothing. It struck me as well,--a trifle +_flowery_, that last passage, that's all! + +_Mrs. G.-G._ (_severely_). If I cannot expect to win the prize without +descending to floweriness, whose fault is _that_, I should like to +know? If you can't make sensible observations, you had better not +speak at all. (_Continuing_,) "Over and over again, gathering me in +his strong loving arms, and pressing fervent kisses upon my forehead, +he has cried, 'Why am I not a Monarch that so I could place a diadem +upon that brow? With such a Consort, am I not doubly crowned?'" Have +you anything to say to _that_, GALAHAD? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Only, my love, that I--I don't seem to remember having +made that particular remark. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Then make it _now_. I'm sure I wish to be as accurate as +I _can_. [Mr. G.-G. _makes the remark--but without fervour._ + + +SCENE THE SECOND--_AT THE MONARCH-JONES'_. + +_Mr. M.-J._ Twenty quid would come in precious handy just now, after +all I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch that prize if I can--so +just you sit down, GRIZZLE, and write out what I tell you; do you +hear? + +_Mrs. M.-J._ (_timidly_). But, MONARCH, dear, would that be quite +_fair_? No, don't be angry, I didn't mean that--I'll write whatever +you please! + +_Mr. M.-J._ You'd _better_, that's all! Are you ready? I must screw +myself up another peg before I begin. (_He screws._) Now, then. +(_Stands over her and dictates._) "To the polished urbanity of a +perfect gentleman, he unites the kindly charity of a true Christian." +(Why the devil don't you learn to write decently, eh?) "Liberal, and +even lavish, in all his dealings, he is yet a stern foe to every +kind of excess"--(Hold on a bit, I must have another nip after +that)--"every kind of excess. Our married life is one long dream of +blissful contentment, in which each contends with the other in loving +self-sacrifice." (Haven't you corked all that down _yet_!) "Such +cares and anxieties as he has, he conceals from me with scrupulous +consideration as long as possible"--(Gad, I should be a fool +if I _didn't_!)--"while I am ever sure of finding in him a +patient and sympathetic listener to all my trifling worries and +difficulties."--(_Two_ f's in difficulties, you little fool--can't you +even _spell_?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, he has +rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly emotion, 'Oh, that +I were more worthy of such a pearl among women! With such a helpmate, +I am indeed to be envied!'" That _ought_ to do the trick. If I don't +romp in after that!--(_Observing that Mrs. M.-J.'s shoulders are +convulsed._) What the dooce are you giggling at _now_? + +_Mrs. M.-J._ I--I wasn't giggling, MONARCH dear, only-- + +_Mr. M.-J._ Only _what_? _Mrs. M.-J._ Only crying! + + +THE SEQUEL. + +"The Judges appointed by the spirited proprietors of _All Sorts_ +to decide the 'Model Husband Contest'--which was established on +lines similar to one recently inaugurated by one of our New York +contemporaries--have now issued their award. Two competitors have sent +in certificates which have been found equally deserving of the prize; +viz., Mrs. CORNELIA GALAHAD-GREEN, Graemair Villa, Peckham, and Mrs. +GRISELDA MONARCH-JONES, Aspen Lodge, Lordship Lane. The sum of Twenty +Pounds will consequently be divided between these two ladies, to +whom, with their respective spouses, we beg to tender our cordial +felicitations."--(_Extract from Daily Paper, some six months hence._) + + * * * * * + +CRUMMLES REDIVIVUS! + +[Illustration] + +For some months Society has been on the tip-toe of expectation with +regard to the new Tragedy by Mr. SHAKSPEARE SMITHSON, which is to +inaugurate the magnificent Theatre, built at a sumptuous and total +disregard of expense by Mr. DILEY PUFF, a lineal descendant of the +great PUFF family, by intermarriage with the more recent CRUMMLES's, +expressly for the performance of the genuine English Drama. A veil of +secrecy has, however, been drawn over all the arrangements connected +with the new production. One after another the Author, the Manager, +and the leading Actors were appealed to in vain. Finally, one of +Our Representatives taking his courage in both hands, brought it and +himself safely to the stage-door of the new theatre, and knocked. +After some hesitation he was admitted by an intelligent boy, who, +however, at first seemed indisposed to be drawn into conversation, +though he admitted he had been engaged for the responsible post +of call-boy at an inadequate salary. Our Representative managed to +interest the lad in the inspection of a numismatic representation of +Her Most Gracious Majesty, which he happened to have brought with him +on the back of half-a-crown, and with which Our Representative toyed, +holding it between the thumb and dexter finger of the right hand. We +give the result in Our Representative's own words:-- + +"Come this way," said the boy, on whom the sight of the coin seemed +to operate like some weird talisman, leading me to a remote part +of the stage, the floor of which had been tastefully littered with +orange-peel in a variety of patterns; "we shall be comfortabler." + +"Now tell me," I said, "about this new piece." + +"It's what they call a Tragedy," said the boy. + +"Ah!" I replied, "that is interesting; but I want to know about the +Author. What do you think of him?" + +"The horther? Oh my!" said the precocious lad, producing an apple from +his trousers' pocket, but his right eye still fixed on the talisman, +"'e don't count. Why we none of us pays no attention to 'im. Crikey, +you should 'a seen 'im come a cropper on his nut down them new steps. +But, look 'ere, Sir," he continued, more solemnly, "I'm a tellin' +yer secrets, I am; and if DILEY were to 'ear of it, I'd get a proper +jacketin'. Swear you won't peach." + +I gave the requisite pledge. "And that ere arf-crown?" he said. I +nodded assent to what was evidently in his mind. Then he resumed. +"It's a beautiful piece. The play, I mean," he explained; being +fearful lest I should consider him as over-eager for the coveted and +covenanted reward. "I'm sure o' that. The horther says so, and DILEY +says so, and Miss O'GRADY says so; she's got the 'eroine to play,--and +oh, don't she die in the lawst Act just proper, with pink light and +a couple o' angels to carry 'er up! Then there's Mr. KEANE 'ARRIS, 'e +touches 'em all up with 'is sword, 'places his back to the wall, and +defies the mob,' is what the book says. So you may take it from me, +it's fust-rate." + +I thanked my intelligent little friend for his information, and was +proceeding to put a further question about the music for this new +Drama, which, as everyone will soon know, is to be a real _chef +d'oeuvre_ of Sir HAUTHOR SUNNIVUN, when a step was heard approaching +across the stage--the deepest, by the way, in London--to where we were +talking. + +"That's 'im," said the boy, trembling. "'E's a noble-'earted master, +so kind and generous, but 'e 'ates deception, and it would be more +than my place is worth to let 'im catch me talking these 'ere dead +secrets to you. Give us the coin. I'm orf!" + +And, before I was able to carry out my portion of the contract, he was +gone. And in another moment--so was I. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BRUIN JUNIOR. + +"May this be my poison, if my Bear ever dances but to the very +genteelest of tunes, '_Water-parted_,' or '_The Minuet in Ariadne.'" +She Stoops to Conquer_. + +_Viceroy_ (_to Miss India, loquitur_). "DON'T BE ALARMED, MY DEAR! +THIS BEAR NEVER DANCES BUT TO THE VERY GENTEELEST OF TUNES!" + +Lord LANSDOWNE, _loquitur_:-- + + Be easy, my darling! He doesn't come snarling, + Or rearing, or hugging, this young Dancing Bear. + With you (and with pleasure) he'll tread a gay measure, + A captive of courtesy, under my care; + His chain is all golden. Your heart 'twill embolden, + And calm that dusk bosom which timidly shrinks. + Sincere hospitality is, in reality, + Safest of shackles;--just look at the links! + + Alarmists saw ruin in prospects of Bruin, + The Great Northern Bear, treading India's soil. + How bogies may blind us! On our side the Indus + They fancy friend Ursa spies nothing but spoil; + But Ursa's _invited_ to come, and delighted + To visit you, not as aggressor, but guest. + So welcome him brightly, and treat him politely. + And trip with him lightly, you'll find it far best, + + ATTA TROLL (HEINE tells us) "danced nobly." Pride swells us + To think our young guest is a true ATTA TROLL; + No Bugbear, though shaggy, a trifle breech-baggy, + And not altogether a dandyish doll; + No Afghan intrigue, dear, or shy Native league, dear, + Has brought Bruin's foot o'er our frontier to dance: + He comes freely, boldly--don't look on him coldly, + Or make him suspect there is _fear_ in your glance. + + Be sure that the Lion will still keep his eye on + All Bears and their dens, in the Tiger's behalf; + Meanwhile Ursa Minor eschews base design, or + Intrigue against _you_, dear. Lift eyes, love, and laugh! + I'll answer for Bruin, he shall not take _you_ in-- + The Bear's _bona fides_ nobody impugns; + He asks a kind glance, and your hand in a dance; and + He'll dance "to the very genteelest of tunes"!] + + * * * * * + +THE UP-TO-DATE CONVERSATIONIST. + +_He_ (_at the end of a turn_). I see there's been a row in Chili--what +do you think about it? + +_She_. I don't know the place--isn't it somewhere in America? + +_He_. I shouldn't be surprised if it were, but my geography's shaky. I +rather fancy it's somehow connected with pickles. + +_She_. Oh, then it's a mistake their quarrelling, as I suppose it will +be hard upon the poor, especially during the winter? + +_He_. Fancy that's the idea. Been to the Guelph Exhibition? + +_She_. Yes, and I think it's a pity they took the jewels out of GEORGE +THE FOURTH's Crown. I should like to have seen the Koh-i-Noor. + +_He_. But they wanted them for the one at the Tower, don't you know, +and as for the Koh-i-Noor, was _that_ invented in his time? + +_She_. Perhaps it wasn't. Stay, wasn't it discovered by Captain COOK, +or DRAKE, or somebody? + +_He_. I daresay. I have never looked the matter up. _À propos_, +One-pound Bank-notes are to be issued. + +_She_. Are they? I suppose they will be useful for change? + +_He_. Shouldn't be astonished, but don't pretend to know anything +about it. By the way, do you take much interest in the subjects we +have been discussing? + +_She_. Not the faintest. + +_He_. No more do I! [_Waltz continued._ + + * * * * * + +DEARNESS AND DEARTH. + +"Spanish onions are rising in price, though probably only +temporarily."--_Daily News_. + +I. + + Will it be long, then--long? + For the people watch and wait, + Till the strength of the onion makes them strong, + At only the normal rate. + And their eyes are dim with tears, + And ache with the need of sleep. + And watch till the lapse of the lapsing years + Shall make the onions cheap. + Cheap, my love, cheap! Sleep, my love, sleep! + Onions are dear, love, but sentiment's cheap! + + II. + + Listen! Is it a voice + Calling--again--again, + Or a fragrance to make my heart rejoice + From the sunlit land of Spain? + Listen, my own, my bride, + While the glad tears dew your cheek, + They are fried, my bride, by the sad sea tide + With a smell that can almost speak + Creep, my love, creep into the deep, + And sing to the fishes that onions are cheap. + + * * * * * + +THE PROPOSED ONE-POUND NOTES.--"Ne-Goschenable currency." + + * * * * * + +AN ELEGY ON A MAD DOG. + +(_AFTER GOLDSMITH, MORE OR LESS._) + + Good patriots all of every sort, + Give ear unto my song, + For if in substance it is short, + In moral it is strong. + + [Illustration] + + At Hawarden lived a Grand Old Man, + Of whom the world might say, + A wondrous lengthy race he ran, + And won it all the way. + + [Illustration] + + Some swore he'd veer to catch a vote; + Old age to flout one loathes, + But, if he never turned his coat, + He often changed his clothes. + + [Illustration] + + Hard by an Irish dog was found, + As many dogs there be, + Hibernian mongrel, puppy, hound, + And curs of low degree. + + This dog and man at first seemed friends, + But, when a pique began, + The dog, to gain his private ends, + Went mad, and bit the man! + + [Illustration] + + To see so strange and sad a sight + Quidnuncs and _gobemouches_ ran, + And swore the dog was rabid quite + To bite that Grand Old Man. + + [Illustration] + + The wound indeed seemed sore and sad + To every party eye, + And while they swore the dog was mad, + They swore the man must die. + + [Illustration] + + But marvels sometimes come to light + Rash prophets to belie. + The man seems healing of the bite, + The dog looks like to die! + + * * * * * + +Remarkable Conversion. + +"CANON TEIGNMOUTH SHORE proposes to convert the two Convocations." ... +that is startling without the context--"into one National Synod." But +two into one won't go. How will he manage it? Will those in the York +ship join the Canterbury, or _vice versâ_? Or, quitting both ships, +will they land on common ground? "Who's for SHORE?" + + * * * * * + +PAR ABOUT PICTURES.--"_Over the Garden Wall_," seems to be the song +that Mr. G.S. ELGOOD sings at the Fine Art Society's Gallery. In the +course of his travels he has been over a good many garden walls. +At Wroxton, Compton Wynyates, Penshurst, Montacute, Berkeley, and +Helmingham, he has pursued his studies to some purpose; the result +is an enjoyable collection of pictures, which he entitles, "A Summer +among the Flowers." + + * * * * * + +BRUSTLES' BISHOP. + +(_BY A MUDDLED MORALIST._) + +CHAPTER I. + +BEN BRUSTLES was only a poor shoeblack-boy who cleaned boots--ay, and +even shoes, for his daily bread. Such time as he could spare from his +avocation he devoted to diligent study of the doctrine of chance, as +exemplified in the practice of pitch-and-toss. Often and often, after +pitching and tossing in the cold wet streets for long weary hours, +he would return home without a halfpenny. Think of this, ye more +fortunate youths, who sit at home at ease, and play Loto for nuts! But +through all his vicissitudes, BEN kept a stout heart, never losing his +conviction that something--he knew not what--would eventually turn up. +Sometimes it was heads, at others tails: and in either case the poor +boy lost money by it--but he persevered notwithstanding, confident +that Fortune would favour him at last. It is this spirit of undaunted +enterprise that has made our England what it is! + +[Illustration: Brustles Blacking.] + +And one day Fortune did favour him. He observed, as he knelt before +his box, a portly and venerable person close by, who was engrossed +in studying, with apparent complacency, his own reflection in a +plate-glass shop-front. So naïve a display of personal vanity, in +one whose dress and demeanour denoted him a Bishop, not unnaturally +excited BENJAMIN's interest, nor was this lessened when the stranger, +after shaking his head reproachfully at his reflected image, advanced +to the shoe-black's box as if in obedience to a sudden impulse. + +"My lad," he said, with a certain calm dignity, "will you be so good +as to black both my legs for me--at once?" + +This unusual request, conceived as it was on a larger scale than the +orders he habitually received, startled the youth, particularly as +he noted that the symmetrical and well-turned limb which the Bishop +extended consisted, like its fellow, of a rare and costly species of +mahogany, and shone with the rich and glossy hue of a newly-fallen +horse-chestnut, "I see," commented the Bishop, with a melancholy +smile, "that you have already discovered that my lower members are +the product--not of Nature, but of Art. It was not always thus with +me--but in my younger days I was an ardent climber--indeed, I am still +an Honorary Member of the Hampstead Heath Alpine Club. Many years +since, whilst scaling Primrose Hill, I was compelled, by a sudden +storm, to take refuge in a half-way hut, where I passed the night, +exposed to all the rigours of an English Midsummer! When I awoke +I found, to my surprise, that both my legs had been bitten by the +relentless frost short off immediately below the knee, and I had to +continue the ascent next day in a basket. On descending, I caused +these substitutes to be fashioned, and on them I stumped my way to +the exalted position I now fill, nor have I ever evinced any physical +inconveniences from my misfortune, save in one particular--that it +has rendered the assumption of gaiters unhappily out of the question! +But, possibly, my wish to have these legs of mine disguised by your +pigments, strikes you as bizarre, if not positively eccentric? You +will better understand my reasons after you have heard a confession +which, though necessary, is, believe me, painful to make." And the +good old man, after a short internal struggle, began the following +narrative, which we reserve for a succeeding chapter. + + +CHAPTER II. + +"Even as a Curate, a certain harmless vanity was ever my besetting +weakness. I might, indeed, have hoped that, after my accident--but +see, my good lad, how pride may lurk, even in our very infirmities! +These artificial limbs have become a yet subtler snare to me than +even those they replaced. I had them constructed, as you see, of +the best mahogany--to match the furniture in my dining-room. With +ever-increasing pleasure, my eyes have gloried in their grain and +gloss, in the symmetry of their curves, in the more than Chinese +delicacy of their extremities, until gradually they have trampled upon +my better self, they have run away with all my possibilities of moral +usefulness! Yes, but this very moment, as I stood admiring their +contour at yonder window, the pernicious thought crossed my mind that +their appearance would be yet more enhanced if I had them _gilded_!" + +"But, your reverent Lordship," objected BRUSTLES, as the Bishop +paused, overcome by humiliation, "it's no use coming to _me_ for that +'ere job!" For, though but a poor boy, he was too honest to accept any +commission under false pretences. Gilding, he knew, might--and, in a +London atmosphere, soon would--become black, but no boot-polish would +ever assume the appearance, even of the blackest gilt, and so he +candidly explained to the Bishop. + +"I know, my boy," said the latter, patting BEN's head kindly with the +handle of his umbrella, "I know. Hence my application to your skill. +That presumptuous idea revealed as in a lightning flash the abyss on +the brink of which I stood. This demon of perverse pride must be +laid; humbled for ever. So ply your brushes, and see you spare not the +blacking!" + + +CHAPTER III. + +BRUSTLES obeyed--not without awe, and in a short space of time two +pots of blacking were exhausted, and the roseate glow of the Bishop's +mahogany limbs was for ever hidden under a layer of more than Nubian +ebony! + +"'Selp me, your lordly reverence," he cried, dazzled by the brilliancy +of the result; "but you might be took, below, for a Lifeguardsman!" + +[Illustration: Bilked by a Bishop.] + +"Hush," said the Bishop, though with a gratification he could not +restrain, "would you recall the demon I strove to exorcise! It is +true that the change is less of a disfigurement than I feared--ahem, +_hoped_--but after all, may not the wish to please the eye of man be +excusable? You shall receive a rich reward. Do you happen to have such +a thing as change for a five-pound note about you?" + +"Alas!" replied the lad, with ready presence of mind, "but I have only +just paid all my gold into my bank for the day!" + +"No matter," said the Bishop, gently. "I find I have a threepenny +bit, after all. It is yours!" And the good ecclesiastic, as if to +avoid thanks, moved nimbly off, though his eyes still sought the +shop-windows as he passed, with even greater complacency than before. + +BEN tested the threepenny bit between his teeth--it was a spurious +coin; he looked up, but his late customer was already passed out of +hearing of his sentiments. He sank down with his head laid amongst +his pots and brushes. "Bilked!" he moaned piteously, "bilked--and by a +blooming Bishop!" + + +CHAPTER IV. + +But mark the sequel. The good Bishop had been quite ignorant that the +threepenny bit was a pewter one; quite sincere, for the time, in his +determination to subdue his own weakness. Still it was not to be: +inbred pride is not so easily vanquished--even by Bishops! The Bishop +learned to glory in his blacking far more than he had ever done in the +original mahogany. He had it continually renewed, and with the most +expensive compositions. He would bend enraptured over the burnished +surfaces of his extended legs, gazing, like another Narcissus, at the +features he saw so faithfully repeated. + +Meanwhile the threepence, base as it was, became the humble instrument +of brighter fortunes to BRUSTLES; it showed a marvellous aptitude +for turning up tails, which BEN no sooner perceived than he availed +himself of a blessing that had, indeed, come to him in disguise! + +But the Bishop--what of him? Nemesis overtook him at last. The +discontent long smouldering in his diocese broke out into a climax. +Thousands of Curates, inflamed by professional agitators, went out on +strike, and their first victim was the Bishop of TIMBERTOWS, who was +discovered prostrate one dark night by his horrified Chaplain. He had +been picketed as a Blackleg! + +THE END. + + (_Copies of the above may be obtained for distribution, at + very reasonable terms, on application to the Author._) + + * * * * * + +PLAYTIME FOR A DOLL'S HOUSE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--According to a well-known Critic, writing of a +morning performance of _The Doll's House_ on Tuesday, the 27th ult., +at Terry's Theatre, "There is no need to discuss IBSEN's piece any +more." I will go a little further, and say, not only should the play +be spared discussion, but also performance. All that could be done for +this miserable drama (if a work utterly devoid of dramatic interest +can be so entitled) was effected some years since, when _Breaking a +Butterfly_, a version with Messrs. HERMAN and JONES as adapters, was +played at the Prince's (now Prince of Wales's) Theatre. I believe some +one or other has said that that version was misleading, because it +modified IBSEN, and did not reveal him in his true colours. This I can +readily believe, as my recollection of _Breaking a Butterfly_ merely +suggests boredom; whereas, when I consider _The Doll's House_ of +Tuesday, I distinctly mingle with boredom a recollection of something +that caused a feeling of absolute loathing. That something, I imagine, +must be the new matter which was absent from the first version, and +crops up in the text of the second, which, according to the Play-bill, +appears "in Vol. I. of the authorised edition of IBSEN's Prose Dramas, +edited by WILLIAM ARCHER, and published by Mr. WALTER SCOTT." By +the way, I must confess that, although the name of the Editor is +not familiar to me as a dramatic author, his superintendence of the +authorised text seems to have been performed sufficiently creditably +to have rendered him as worthy of an honourable prefix as the +publisher. Why omit the "Mr."? Now I come to think of it, there is +an Englishman, not unconnected with dramatic literature, who is known +nowadays as WILLIAM, without the prefix of Mister, but in his own time +he was known as Master WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, and Master he remains. +"But this," as Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, "is quite another +WILLIAM." + +[Illustration: Fancy Picture of Hanwellian Admirer of the Ibsenesque +Drama thoroughly enjoying himself.] + +I have not the original for reference handy, but the version played +at Terry's Theatre bears internal evidence of a close translation. An +adapter, I fancy, with a free hand would scarcely have made one of the +characters use the same exit speech on two occasions. _Nils Krogstad_ +does this. He can think of nothing better than, "If I am flung into +the gutter, you shall accompany me," repeated twice with the slight +variation, "If I am flung into the gutter for the second time, you +shall accompany me," used for the last exit. Again, _Torvald Helmer_ +has a long monologue in the final Act that a practised playwright +would have "broken up" with the assistance of a portrait, or a letter, +or something. From this it would appear that the Editor, WILLIAM +ARCHER (without the "Mr.") has very faithfully produced the exact +translation of the original. To be hypercritical, I might suggest +that perhaps occasionally the version is rather _too_ literal. For +instance, _Torvald Helmer_, although he is cursed with one of the most +offensive wives known to creation, would scarcely call her "a little +lark," which conveys the impression that he is a "gay dog," and +one given to the traditional ways of that species of ultra-sociable +animals. I have confessed I have not the original before me, so I +cannot say whether the title used by IBSEN is "_Smalle Larke_," but +I fancy that a "capering capercailzie," if not actually his _words_, +would be nearer his _meaning_. A capercailzie is, according to the +dictionaries, a bird of "a delicious flavour" and partially "green;" +it is also found in Norway "very fine and large," as IBSEN might say. +Surely _Torvald_ would have thus described his semi-verdant _Nora_, +finding her distinctly to his taste. + +Returning to what I venture to imagine must be "new matter" not in the +Herman-_plus_-Jonesian version, I consider the scene in which _Nora_ +chaffs _Dr. Rank_ about his illness absolutely nauseous, and the +drink-inspired admiration of husband for wife in the concluding Act +repulsive to the last degree. On Tuesday the spectators received the +piece with patient apathy; and, this being the case, I could not help +feeling that anyone who could single out such a play as suitable for +performance before an English audience, could scarcely possess the +acumen generally considered a necessary adjunct to the qualifications +of an efficient Dramatic Critic. The hero, the heroine, the doctor, +as prigs, could only appeal to prigs, and thank goodness the average +London theatre-goer is the reverse of a prig. There was but one +redeeming point in the play--its conclusion. It ends happily in +_Nora_, forger, liar, and--hem--wedded flirt, being separated from her +innocent children. + +For the rest, the piece was fairly well acted. But when the Curtain +had fallen for the last time, and the audience were departing more in +sadness than in anger, I could not help asking myself the question, +Had the advantages obtained in witnessing the performance balanced +the expense incurred in securing a seat? I am forced to reply in the +negative, as I sign myself regretfully, + +ONE WHO PAID FOR A PLACE IN THE PIT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +I see three ladies in a drawing-room, each with a green volume. "What +is it?" No, they won't hear. Each one is intent on her volume, and an +irritable answer, in a don't bother kind of manner, is all that I can +obtain. The novel is Miss BRADDON's latest, _One Life, One Love_ (but +three volumes, for all that), in which they are absorbed. Later on, +at intervals, I get the volumes, and, raven-like, secrete them. I can +quite understand the absorption of my young friends. Marvellous, Miss +BRADDON! Very few have approached you in sensation-writing, and none +in keeping up sensationalism as fresh as ever it was when first I +sat up at night nervously to read _Aurora Floyd_, and _Lady Audley's +Secret_. In this bad time of year (I am writing when the snow is +without, and the North-East wind is engaged in cutting leaves), the +Baron recommends remaining indoors with this Three-volume Novel as +a between lunch and dinner companion, only don't take it up to your +bed-room, and sit over the fire with it, or--but there, I won't +mention the consequences. Keep it till daylight doth appear. The +Baron being a busy man--no, Sir, not a busy-body,--is grateful to the +authors of good short stories in Magazines. Many others agree with the +Baron, who wishes to recommend "Saint or Satan" in _The Argosy_; +The story of an "Old Beau," which might have been advantageously +abbreviated in _Scribner_; an odd tale entitled, "The Phantom +Portrait," in the _Cornhill_; which leaves the reader in doubt as to +whether he has been egregiously "sold" or not; and, above all, the +short and interesting--too short and most interesting--paper on +THACKERAY, in _Harper's Monthly_, with fac-similes of some of the +great humorist's most eccentric and most spirited illustrations, +conceived in the broadly burlesquing spirit that was characteristic +of GILRAY and ROWLANDSON. THACKERAY, philosopher and satirist, who +can take us behind the scenes of every show in _Vanity fair_, who +can depict the career of the scoundrel _Barry Lyndon_, of the +heathen _Becky Sharp_, and the death-bed of the Christian soldier and +gentleman, _dignissimus, Colonel Newcome_, could on occasion, and when +a rollicking spirit moved him, put on a pantomime mask (have we not +his own pathetic vignette representing him doing this?) to amuse the +children, or give us some rare burlesque writing and drawing to set us +all on the broad grin. The Baron trusts that Mrs. RITCHIE will give +us more of this, and sincerely hopes that there may be a "lot more" +caricatures in that portfolio "where these came from." I heartily +thank you for so much, and respectfully ask for more, says yours, very +gratefully, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + + Strong man and strenuous fighter, stricken down + Just when foes owned thee neither knave nor clown! + The fiercest of them, time-taught, need not fear + To drop a blossom now on BRADLAUGH's bier. + + * * * * * + +ARTHUR AND COMPOSER.--Saturday, January 31.--First night of SULLIVAN's +_Ivanhoe_ in D'OYLEY CARTE's new Theatre. Full inside, all right. +Sir ARTHUR's success. We congratulate him Arthurly, CARTE called +before horse,--should say before Curtain, but t'other came so +naturally,--looked pale,--quite _carte blanche_; but, like SULLIVAN's +music, composed. Could get a CARTE, but no cab. Gallant gentlemen and +delicate ladies braving rain and slosh. More in our next, but for the +present ... (_Paroxysm of sneezing_). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. AN ICE PICTURE. + +_Fair Damsel_. "WHAT A LOT OF HOLIDAYS YOU SEEM TO GET, MR. MINIVER!" + +_Pet Curate_. "WELL, YES. I KEEP A RECTOR, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT DO _YOU_ THINK? + + (_A Song of the Session, as sung by that Eminent and Evergreen + Lion Comique_, "JOLLY GLAD" _at the St. Stephen's Hall of + Varieties, Westminster_.) + +JOLLY GLAD, _sings_:-- + + With a flower in my coat, + With a keen eye for a vote, + And a sense the things to note, + Buff and Blue think, + With fond millions to admire, + A last triumph to desire,-- + Am I going to _Retire_?-- + What do _you_ think? + Oh, I know the quidnuncs vapour, + And that _Tadpole_, yes, and _Taper_, + Tell in many a twaddling paper, + What the few think; + But _they_ cater for the classes, + Whilst _I'm_ champion of the masses, + Fly before such braying asses?-- + What do _you_ think? + Wish is father to their thought, + Their wild hope with fear is fraught. + They are not _au fait_ to aught + Liberals true think. + They imagine "Mr. Fox" + Has delivered such hard knocks + That _impasse_ my pathway blocks!-- + What do _you_ think? + Just inspect me, if you please! + Is my pose not marked by ease? + _Am_ I going at the knees, + Like a "screw" Think! + Pooh! The part of Sisyphus + Suits me well. Why make a fuss? + Eh? Retire,--and leave things thus? + What do _you_ think? + On the--say the Lyric Stage-- + For some years I've been the rage, + And some histrios touched by age + Of Adieu think. + But I'm like that "Awful Dad," + Though this makes my rivals mad, + Don't true Gladdyites feel glad? + What do you think? + I'm a genuine Evergreen; + It is that excites their spleen + Who my lingering on the scene + A great "do" think. + I regret, _so_ much, to tease them! + My last exit would much ease them. + But Retire!--and just to please them! + What do _you_ think? + + [_Winks and walks round._ + + * * * * * + +A DREAMY MADNESS. + + The other night I went to bed,-- + It may seem strange, but still I did it,-- + And laid to rest my weary head + So that the bed-clothes nearly hid it; + Which was perhaps the reason why + My brain throughout the night was teeming + With truly wondrous sights, and I + Was wholly given o'er to dreaming. + + 'Twas on the Twenty-first of May, + The streets were filled to overflowing, + The streets, that in a curious way + Were clean although it kept on snowing. + The daily papers for a change + Came out each day without a leader, + But, what was surely rather strange, + They didn't lose a single reader! + + I saw a Bishop in a tram, + Although he knew it was a Sunday; + The lion lay down with the lamb, + And CLEMENT SCOTT with SYDNEY GRUNDY. + Professor HUXLEY said, "In truth + I'm really sick to death of rows," and + Wrote there and then to General BOOTH + To put his name down for a thousand. + + I heard that Mr. PARNELL wrote + (Much to McCARTHY's jubilation) + A very kind and civil note, + In which he sent his resignation; + Whilst ANDREW LANG with weary air + Professed himself completely staggered + To think how anyone could care + To read a line of RIDER HAGGARD. + + The House of Commons talked about + The case of Mr. BRADLAUGH--whether + The Motion which has kept him out + Should now be struck out altogether; + And OLD MORALITY arose + To say they felt no ancient _animus_, + And when they voted, why of Noes + There wasn't one--they were _unanimous_! + + * * * * * + + I started up, no more to sleep, + The dream somehow had seemed to spoil it, + Nor did it take me long to leap + Out of my bed and make my toilet. + I went down-stairs, and with surprise + I thought of those my dream had slandered, + And there, before my very eyes, + _I saw it printed in the_ STANDARD! + + I wish I hadn't gone to bed. + I can't imagine why I did it. + Nor why I laid my weary head + So that the clothes completely hid it. + Although I think that must be why + My brain has ever since been teeming; + But tell me (if you can) am I + At present mad, or _was_ I dreaming? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "RETIRE!--WHAT DO _YOU_ THINK?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE STOPPING OR REMOVAL OF A "GRINDER." + +A SKETCH IN THE STREETS.] + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON, the new indestructible cloth. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON is a stubborn and inflexible material. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON is made, by a new process, from blockwood and +paving-stones. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON, used for gentlemen's coats, will not only keep out +rain and wind, but thunder and lightning. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON never breaks or bends, but only bursts. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON.--A "PURCHASER" writes--"I sat down in a pair of your +trousers, but could never get up again." + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON.--Another "CUSTOMER" says--"The dress-coat you +supplied me with fitted me well. I could not take it off without +having recourse to a sledge-hammer." + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply the cheapest and worst in the market. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, hand-picked by the Duke himself, on whose +property the mines are situated. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, carefully selected, screened and delivered +(in the dark), anywhere within a ten-mile radius of Charing Cross at +9s. 6_d_, a ton, for cash on delivery. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply a wonderful article at the price. +Throws down a heavy brown ash. No flame, no heat. Frequently explodes, +scattering the contents of the grate over the largest room. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY beg to refer intending purchasers to the +accompanying testimonial: "Gentlemen,--Do what I will, I cannot +get your coals to light. Put on in sufficient quantity they will +extinguish any fire. I have worn out three drawing-room pokers in my +endeavours to stir them into a flame, but all to no purpose. Steeped +in petroleum, they might possibly ignite in a double-draught furnace, +though I fancy they would put it out. They are as you advertise them, +a 'show coal for summer use.' Don't send me any more." + + * * * * * + +CHARLIE AND SARAH. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Why should ARISTOTLE be the only author whose works +get discovered? I found the following story, written on papyrus, and +enclosed in a copper cylinder, in my back garden, and I am positive +that it is not ARISTOTLE. Can it possibly have been written by that +amiable and instructive authoress whose stories for children have +recently been reprinted? Yours, &c., HENRY ST. OTLE. + +CHARLIE was a very obedient little boy, and his sister SARAH was +a good, patient little girl. One beautiful summer's day they went +to stay for a week with their Uncle WILLIAM, a man of very high +principles, who was not quite used to the proper method with children. +On the evening of their arrival, as they were seated in front of the +fire, CHARLIE lifted up his bright, obedient, beautiful face, and +said, thoughtfully: + +"Pray, Uncle WILLIAM, cannot we have one of those instructive and +amusing conversations such as children love, about refraction, and +relativity, and initial velocity, and Mesopotamia generally?" + +"Oh, yes, Uncle WILLIAM!" said SARAH, pausing to wipe her patient +little nose; "Our dear Papa is always so pleasant and polysyllabic on +these subjects." + +Then Uncle WILLIAM regretted that he had paid less attention in his +youth to the shilling science primers, but he pulled himself together +and determined to do his best. "Certainly, my dear children, nothing +could please me more. Now here I have a jug and a glass. You will +observe that I pour some water from the jug into the glass. This +illustrates one of the properties of water. Can you tell me what I +mean?" + +"Fluidity!" said both the children, with enthusiasm. + +"Yes, quite so, and--er--er--has a brick fluidity?" + +"Why, no, Uncle WILLIAM!" + +"Well--er--_why_ hasn't it?" asked Uncle WILLIAM, with something +almost like desperation in his voice. + +"That, Uncle," said the obedient CHARLIE, "is one of the things which +we should like to learn from you to-night." + +"Yes, we shall come to that; but, in order to make you understand it +better, I must carry my experiment a little further. In this decanter +I have what is called whiskey. I pour some of it into the water. +Now it is more usual to put the whiskey in first, and the water +afterwards. Can you tell me why that is so? Think it out for +yourselves." And Uncle WILLIAM smiled genially. + +There was silence for a few moments. Then little SARAH said, timidly: +"I think it must be because, when a man wishes to drink, whiskey is +the first thing which naturally occurs to his mind. He does not think +about water until afterwards." + +"Quite right. That is the explanation of the scientists. And why do +you think I put in the water first and the whiskey afterwards?" + +"It was," said CHARLIE, brightly, "in order that we might not see so +exactly how much whiskey you took." + +"No, that's quite wrong. I did it out of sheer originality. Now what +would happen if I drank this curious mixture?" + +"You would be breaking the pledge, Uncle WILLIAM," said both children, +promptly and heartily. + +"Wrong again. I should be acting under doctor's orders." + +"Why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, patiently. + +"Don't interrupt, my dear child. We're coming to that. Now, CHARLIE, +when you eat or drink anything, where does it go?" + +"It goes into my little--oh, no, Uncle, I cannot say that word," +and CHARLIE, who was of a singularly modest and refined disposition, +buried his face in his hands, and blushed deeply. + +"Admirable!" exclaimed Uncle WILLIAM. "One cannot be too refined. Call +it the blank. It goes into your blank. Well, whiskey raises the tone +of the blank. Just as, when you screw up the peg of a violin, you +raise the tone of the string. By drinking this I raise the tone of my +blank." He suited the action to the word. + +"Now you'll be screwed," said CHARLIE, "like the pegs of the--" + +"On one glass of weak whiskey-and-water--never!" + +"But why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, quite patiently. + +"First of all, listen to this. That whiskey-and-water is now inside +me. I want you to understand what _inside_ means. Go and stand in the +passage, and shut the door of this room after you." + +"But, Uncle," said SARAH, patiently, "why hasn't a brick any--" + +"Hush, SARAH, hush!" said the obedient CHARLIE. "It is our duty to +obey Uncle WILLIAM in all things." + +So the two children went out of the room, and shut the door after +them. Uncle WILLIAM went to the door, and locked it. + +"Now then," he said, cheerily, "I am inside. And where are you?" + +"Outside." + +"Yes--and outside you'll stop. One of the servants will put you to +bed." And Uncle WILLIAM went back to the decanter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER SCENE FROM THE PANTOMIME AT ST. STEPHEN'S. + +_The Illuminated Doorway. Brilliant effect lately introduced into the +House of Commons._] + + * * * * * + +A DEAD FROST. + + When I saw you on "a January morning," + With a very little pair of skates indeed, + And the frosty glow your fairy face adorning, + I was suddenly from other passions freed. + And the year at its imperial beginning + Showed the woman who alone was worth the winning; + Though the growing flame awhile I tried to smother + Like a brother; + And that's a very common phase indeed, + As we read. + + My hat and stick I suddenly found fleeting, + And they whistled o'er the surface, smooth and black, + And the ice, with an unwonted warmth of greeting, + Slapt me suddenly and hard upon the back. + I didn't mind your laughing, if the laughter + Had left no sting of scorn to rankle after. + Though I'd joyously have flung myself before you + To adore you, + Still to sit with all one's might upon the ice + Isn't nice. + + When I met you in the lordly local ball-room, + Where you queen'd it, the suburban world's desire, + Though your programme for my name had left but small room, + I somehow snatched five valses from the fire. + And I did stout supper-service for your mother, + While you wove the self-same spells o'er many another, + And I said, no doubt, the sort of things that they did, + In the shaded + Little nook beneath the palms upon the stair, + To my fair. + + But I noticed, as I learned to know you better, + And you ceased to wile the victim at your feet, + There was very little silk about the fetter, + And 'twere flattery to say your sway was sweet: + Nay, you made the light and airy shrine of beauty + A centre for the most exacting duty, + And the fealty of the family undoubting + Met with flouting, + As a tribute which was nothing but your due, + As they knew. + + Your Papa is getting elderly and bulky, + And he loves you as the apple of his eye, + Yet very little things will make you sulky, + And to meet his little ways you never try. + And I see him look a trifle hurt and puzzled, + And his love for you is often check'd and muzzled; + Yet I think, upon the whole, that I would rather + Be your father, + Than the lover you could torture at your ease, + If you please. + + * * * * * + +STRANGE, BUT TRUE. + +Sir,--Under the heading of "Ecclesiastical Intelligence" in the +_Times_ of Saturday, I read that, "The LORD CHANCELLOR has preferred +the Rev. W.R. WELCH, of Hull, to the Vicarage of Withernwick, East +Yorkshire," I presume the LORD CHANCELLOR knows both the gentleman +and the place thoroughly, and so wisely elects which he prefers; but +to one who, like myself and thousands of others, know neither, it +strikes me that I would certainly prefer the place to the parson, +however worthy. It is, indeed, gratifying to see that the Highest +Representative of Law and Order in the realm, after HER GRACIOUS +MAJESTY, is so utterly uninfluenced by any mercenary motives. I send +this by Private Post, an old soldier, and am yours enthusiastically, + +NOODLE DE NOODLE. + +_The Retreat, Hanwell-on-Sea._ + + * * * * * + +"BETTER LATE THAN NEVER."--Two Jurymen, says a paragraph in last +Saturday's _Times_, wrote to the Solicitor acting for a female +prisoner, one CUTLER, who had been convicted of perjury and sentenced +at Chester, to say that they "gave in to a verdict of Guilty because +it was very late, and one gentleman had an important business +engagement at home." This recalls the line, "And wretches hang that +Jurymen may dine." The remainder of ELLEN CUTLER's sentence of five +years' penal servitude is remitted. It is satisfactory to know that +these two had the courage of their opinions before it was too late. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SYMPATHETIC EGOISM OF GENIUS. + +(_A Study._) + +"DON'T RUN AWAY YET, OLD MAN! IT'S QUITE EARLY, AND I WANT TO HEAR ALL +ABOUT YOUR ACADEMY PICTURE, WHICH I'M TOLD IS SPLENDID." + + [_Proceeds to describe his_ own _at great length, and then + suddenly finds out how late it is, and bolts!_] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, Jan. 26._--PLUNKET undoubtedly the most +successful Commissioner of Works of recent times. A little coolness +sprung up between him and CAVENDISH BENTINCK about those staircases +in Westminster Hall. But _chacun a son_ idea of a staircase. PLUNKET +quite as likely to be right as C.B. Always doing something to improve +arrangements of House. Does it quietly, too; Members know nothing +about it till they come down and find new Smoking-room, fresh +arrangements of lights, new rooms for Ministers, and occasionally a +priceless old table adorning Tea-room. Various accounts of its origin. +Some say Magna Charta signed on it. Others fixing earlier date and +attracted by the initials "W.R." clearly carved on left leg, affirm +that it is the very table on which WILLIAM REX took his five o'clock +tea after Battle of Hastings. + +[Illustration: "Dear me!"] + +Latest surprise prepared by First Commissioner is illumination of +entrance to House from Lobby, cunningly effected by electric lights +set within recesses of arch. SCHNAD-HORST, revisiting House after +long interval, astonished at this. "Making things very comfortable in +anticipation of our coming in," he says, smiling sweetly. + +Later came upon NICHOLAS WOODS; found him standing in attitude of +patient and intelligent expectation. "What are you waiting there for?" +I asked. "Why don't you come in and hear SWINBURNE make one or two +speeches on Tithes Bill?" + +"Well--er--fact is," said NICHOLAS, steadfastly keeping his eyes +on archway, "WILFRID LAWSON told me that if I was here about eleven +o'clock I would see PLUNKET and the ATTORNEY-GENERAL come out under +the archway dancing a _pas de deux_. Couldn't make out when I arrived +what the illumination was for; asked LAWSON. 'Oh' says he, 'it's the +First Commissioner's reminiscence of one of the alcoves at Vauxhall +Gardens.' Then he told me about PLUNKET and WEBSTER. Thought I'd like +to see it. Do you think it's all right?" + +"Well," I said, "ALBERT ROLLIT _did_ tell me something about +ATTORNEY-GENERAL going on the Spree. But that was in Germany, and he +had his skates with him. Don't know how it'll be here. You mustn't +forget that WILFRID's something of a wag. Wouldn't advise you to wait +much after eleven o'clock." + +House engaged all night on Tithes Bill. Not particularly lively. +Towards midnight TANNER, preternaturally quiet since House met, +suddenly woke up, and, _à propos de bottes_, moved to report progress. +COURTNEY down on him like cartload of bricks; declined to put Motion, +declaring it abuse of forms of House. This rather depressing. In good +old times there would have been an outburst of indignation in Irish +camp; Chairman's ruling challenged, and squabble agreeably occupied +rest of evening. But times changed. No Irish present to back TANNER, +who, with despairing look round, subsided, and business went forward +without further check. + +_Business done_.--Tithes Bill in Committee. + +[Illustration: Exit!] + +_Tuesday_.--Mr. DICK DE LISLE came down to House to-night full of high +resolve. Hadn't yet been a Member of House when it shook from time +to time with the roar of controversy round BRADLAUGH, his oath, his +affirmation, and his stylographic pen. At that time was in Singapore, +helping Sir FREDERICK WELD to govern the Straits Settlement. But had +watched controversy closely, and had contributed to its settlement by +writing a luminous treatise, entitled, _The Parliamentary Oath_. Now, +by chance, the question cropped up again. BRADLAUGH had secured first +place on to-night's order for his Motion rescinding famous Resolution +of June, 1880, declaring him ineligible to take his seat. BRADLAUGH +ill in bed; sick unto death, as it seemed; but HUNTER had taken up +task for him, and would move Resolution. Of course the Government +would oppose it; if necessary, DE LISLE would assist them +with argument. In any case, they should have his vote. Heard +SOLICITOR-GENERAL with keen satisfaction. He showed not only the +undesirability and impossibility of acceding to proposition, but +denounced it as "absolutely childish." Mr. G. followed; but Mr. G. +said the same kind of things eleven years ago, when he was Leader of +triumphant party, and had been defeated again and again. Of course +same fate awaited him now. Government had spoken through mouth of +SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and there was an end on't. + +Not quite. STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, unaccustomed participant in debate, +presented himself. Stood immediately behind OLD MORALITY, by way of +testifying to his unaltered loyalty. At same time he suggested that, +after all, would be as well to humour BRADLAUGH and his friends, +and strike out Resolution. Then OLD MORALITY rose from side +of SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and, unmindful of that eminent Lawyer's +irresistible argument and uncompromising declaration, said, "on the +whole," perhaps NORTHCOTE was right, and so mote it be. + +The elect of Mid-Leicestershire gasped for air. Did his ears deceive +him, or was this the end of the famous BRADLAUGH incidents? OLD +MORALITY, in his cheerful way, suggested that, as they were doing the +thing, they had better do it unanimously. General cheer approved. DE +LISLE started to his feet. One voice, at least, should be heard in +protest against this shameful surrender. Began in half-choked voice: +evidently struggling against some strange temptation; talked about +the Parnell Commission; accused House of legalising atheism, and +whitewashing treason; argued at length with Mr. G. on doctrine of +excess of jurisdiction. Observed, as he went on, to be waving his +hands as if repelling some object; turned his head on one side as +if he would fain escape apparition; House looked on wonderingly. +At length, with something like subdued sob, DE LISLE gave way, and +Members learned what had troubled him. It was dear old _Mr. Dick's_ +complaint. Standing up to present his Memorial against tergiversation +of OLD MORALITY, DE LISLE could not help dragging in head of CHARLES +THE FIRST. "As a Royalist," he said, "I should maintain that the House +of Commons exceeded its jurisdiction when it ordered King CHARLES THE +FIRST to be beheaded, but I never heard that it was proposed, after +the Restoration, to expunge the Resolution from the books." + +Irreverent House went off into roars of laughter, amid which _Mr. +Dick_, more than ever bewildered, sat down, and presently went out +to ask _Miss Betsy Trottwood_ why they laughed. + +_Business done_.--Resolution of June, 1880, declaring BRADLAUGH +ineligible to sit, expunged from journals. + +_Thursday_.--As OLD MORALITY finely says, "The worm persistently +incommoded by inconvenient attentions will finally assume an +aggressive attitude." So it has proved to-night. SYDNEY GEDGE long +been object of contumelious attention. Members jeer at him when he +rises; talk whilst he orates; laugh when he is serious, are serious +when he is facetious. But the wounded worm has turned at last. SYDNEY +has struck. GEDGE has been goaded once too often. + +It was COURTNEY brought it about. Been six hours in Chair in Committee +on Tithes Bill; feeling faint and weary, glad to refresh himself with +sparkling conversation of Grand Young GARDNER; GEDGE on his feet at +moment in favourite oratorial attitude; pulverising Amendment moved by +GRAY; thought, as he proceeded, he heard another voice. Could it be? +Yes; it was Chairman of Committees conversing with frivolous elderly +young man whilst he (S.G.) was debating the Tithes Bill! Should he +pass over this last indignity? No; honour of House must be vindicated; +lofty standard of debate must be maintained; the higher the position +of offender the more urgent his duty to strike a blow. Was standing at +the moment aligned with Chair; paused in argument; faced about to the +right and marched with solemn steps to the end of Gangway, the Bench +having been desolated by his speech so far as it had gone. + +[Illustration: In revolt.] + +"Sir," he said, bending angry brows on Chairman, "I am afraid my +speech interrupted your conversation. Therefore I have moved further +away." + +That was all, but it was enough. HERBERT GARDNER slunk away, COURTNEY +hastily turned over pages of the Bill; hung down his guilty head, +and tried to look as if it were MILMAN who had been engaged in +conversation. Now MILMAN was asleep. + +_Business done_.--Level flow of Debate on Tithes Bill interrupted by +revolt of SYDNEY GEDGE. + +_Friday_.--Rather a disappointing evening from Opposition point of +view. In advance, was expected to be brilliant field-night. Irish +Administration to be attacked all along line; necessity for new +departure demonstrated. SHAW-LEFEVRE led off with Resolution demanding +establishment of Courts of Arbitration. Large muster of Members. Mr. +G. in his place; expected to speak; but presently went off; others +fell away, and all the running made from Ministerial Benches. +SHAW-LEFEVRE roasted mercilessly. House roared at SAUNDERSON's +description of his going to interview SULTAN, and being shown into +stable to make acquaintance of SULTAN's horse. Prince ARTHUR turned +on unhappy man full blast of withering scorn. Don't know whether +SHAW-LEFEVRE felt it; some men rather be kicked than not noticed at +all; but Liberals felt they had been drawn into ridiculous position, +and murmured bad words. "What's the use," they ask, "of winning +Hartlepool out of doors, if things are so managed that we are made +ridiculous within?" + +_Business done_.--SHAW-LEFEVRE's Resolution on Irish Land Question +negatived by 213 Votes against 152. + + * * * * * + +"THERMIDOR" UP TO DATE. + +(_TONED DOWN FOR ENGLISH RECEPTION._) + + _Last Act--On the road to the Guillotine--Hero, instead of + Heroine, about to be executed--Heroine imploring Hero to sign + paper._ + +_Heroine_. Attach but your signature, and you are free! + +_Hero_ (_after reading document in a tone of horror_). What, a vow to +marry, with the prospect of a breach of promise case to follow! Never! +Death is preferable! [_Exit to be guillotined. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +AN ARTIST AND A WHISTLER.--M. COQUELIN has summoned M. LISSAGARAY for +having thrown a whistle at him on the night of the _Thermidor_ row. It +is to be hoped that by this time M. LISSAGARAY will have been made to +pay for his whistle. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., February 7, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13074-8.txt or 13074-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/0/7/13074/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., February 7, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 1, 2004 [EBook #13074] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 7, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" + id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> + + <h2>THE "MODEL HUSBAND" CONTEST.</h2> + + <h4>SCENE THE FIRST—<i>At the</i> GALAHAD-GREENS'.</h4> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> GALAHAD!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.-G.</i> (<i>meekly</i>). My love?</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/61-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> I see that the proprietors of <i>All + Sorts</i> are going to follow the American example, and offer a + prize of £20 to the wife who makes out the best case for her + husband as a Model. It's just as well, perhaps, that you should + know that I've made up my mind to enter <i>you</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.-G.</i> (<i>gratified</i>). My dear CORNELIA! + really, I'd no idea you had such a—</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> Nonsense! The drawing-room carpet is a + perfect disgrace, and, as you can't, or won't, provide the + money in any <i>other</i> way, why—Would you like to hear + what I've said about you?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.-G.</i> Well, if you're sure it wouldn't he + troubling you too much, I <i>should</i>, my dear.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> Then sit where I can see you, and listen. + (<i>She reads.</i>) "Irreproachable in all that pertains to + morality"—(and it would be a bad day indeed for you, + GALAHAD, if I ever had cause to think + <i>otherwise</i>.')—"morality; scrupulously dainty and + neat in his person"—(ah, you may well blush, GALAHAD, + but, fortunately, they won't want me to <i>produce</i> + you!)—"he imports into our happy home the delicate + refinement of a <i>preux chevalier</i> of the olden time." + (Will you kindly take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) + "We rule our little kingdom with a joint and equal sway, to + which jealousy and friction are alike unknown; he, considerate + and indulgent to my womanly weakness,"—(You need not + stare at me in that perfectly idiotic fashion!)—"I, + looking to him for the wise and tender support which has never + yet been denied. The close and daily scrutiny of many years has + discovered"—(What are you shaking like <i>that</i> + for?)—"discovered no single weakness; no taint or flaw of + character; no irritating trick of speech or habit." (How often + have I told you that I will <i>not</i> have the handle of that + paper-knife sucked? Put it down; do!) "His + conversation—sparkling but ever spiritual—renders + our modest meals veritable feasts of fancy and flows of soul + ... <i>Well</i>, GALAHAD?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.-G.</i> Nothing, my dear; nothing. It struck me as + well,—a trifle <i>flowery</i>, that last passage, that's + all!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> (<i>severely</i>). If I cannot expect to + win the prize without descending to floweriness, whose fault is + <i>that</i>, I should like to know? If you can't make sensible + observations, you had better not speak at all. + (<i>Continuing</i>,) "Over and over again, gathering me in his + strong loving arms, and pressing fervent kisses upon my + forehead, he has cried, 'Why am I not a Monarch that so I could + place a diadem upon that brow? With such a Consort, am I not + doubly crowned?'" Have you anything to say to <i>that</i>, + GALAHAD?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.-G.</i> Only, my love, that I—I don't seem to + remember having made that particular remark.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. G.-G.</i> Then make it <i>now</i>. I'm sure I wish + to be as accurate as I <i>can</i>. [Mr. G.-G. <i>makes the + remark—but without fervour.</i></p> + + <h4>SCENE THE SECOND—<i>At the</i> MONARCH-JONES'.</h4> + + <p><i>Mr. M.-J.</i> Twenty quid would come in precious handy + just now, after all I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch + that prize if I can—so just you sit down, GRIZZLE, and + write out what I tell you; do you hear?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.-J.</i> (<i>timidly</i>). But, MONARCH, dear, + would that be quite <i>fair</i>? No, don't be angry, I didn't + mean that—I'll write whatever you please!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.-J.</i> You'd <i>better</i>, that's all! Are you + ready? I must screw myself up another peg before I begin. + (<i>He screws</i>.) Now, then. (<i>Stands over her and + dictates</i>.) "To the polished urbanity of a perfect + gentleman, he unites the kindly charity of a true Christian." + (Why the devil don't you learn to write decently, eh?) + "Liberal, and even lavish, in all his dealings, he is yet a + stern foe to every kind of excess"—(Hold on a bit, I must + have another nip after that)—"every kind of excess. Our + married life is one long dream of blissful contentment, in + which each contends with the other in loving self-sacrifice." + (Haven't you corked all that down <i>yet</i>!) "Such cares and + anxieties as he has, he conceals from me with scrupulous + consideration as long as possible"—(Gad, I should be a + fool if I <i>didn't</i>!)—"while I am ever sure of + finding in him a patient and sympathetic listener to all my + trifling worries and difficulties."—(<i>Two</i> f's in + difficulties, you little fool—can't you even + <i>spell</i>?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, + he has rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly + emotion, 'Oh, that I were more worthy of such a pearl among + women! With such a helpmate, I am indeed to be envied!'" That + <i>ought</i> to do the trick. If I don't romp in after + that!—(<i>Observing that</i> Mrs. M.-J.'s <i>shoulders + are convulsed</i>.) What the dooce are you giggling at + <i>now</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.-J.</i> I—I wasn't giggling, MONARCH dear, + only—</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.-J.</i> Only <i>what</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.-J.</i> Only crying!</p> + + <h4>THE SEQUEL.</h4> + + <p>"The Judges appointed by the spirited proprietors of <i>All + Sorts</i> to decide the 'Model Husband Contest'—which was + established on lines similar to one recently inaugurated by one + of our New York contemporaries—have now issued their + award. Two competitors have sent in certificates which have + been found equally deserving of the prize; viz., Mrs. CORNELIA + GALAHAD-GREEN, Graemair Villa, Peckham, and Mrs. GRISELDA + MONARCH-JONES, Aspen Lodge, Lordship Lane. The sum of Twenty + Pounds will consequently be divided between these two ladies, + to whom, with their respective spouses, we beg to tender our + cordial felicitations."—(<i>Extract from Daily Paper, + some six months hence</i>.)</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CRUMMLES REDIVIVUS!</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/61-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>For some months Society has been on the tip-toe of + expectation with regard to the new Tragedy by Mr. SHAKSPEARE + SMITHSON, which is to inaugurate the magnificent Theatre, built + at a sumptuous and total disregard of expense by Mr. DILEY + PUFF, a lineal descendant of the great PUFF family, by + intermarriage with the more recent CRUMMLES's, expressly for + the performance of the genuine English Drama. A veil of secrecy + has, however, been drawn over all the arrangements connected + with the new production. One after another the Author, the + Manager, and the leading Actors were appealed to in vain. + Finally, one of Our Representatives taking his courage in both + hands, brought it and himself safely to the stage-door of the + new theatre, and knocked. After some hesitation he was admitted + by an intelligent boy, who, however, at first seemed indisposed + to be drawn into conversation, though he admitted he had been + engaged for the responsible post of call-boy at an inadequate + salary. Our Representative managed to interest the lad in the + inspection of a numismatic representation of Her Most Gracious + Majesty, which he happened to have brought with him on the back + of half-a-crown, and with which Our Representative toyed, + holding it between the thumb and dexter finger of the right + hand. We give the result in Our Representative's own + words:—</p> + + <p>"Come this way," said the boy, on whom the sight of the coin + seemed to operate like some weird talisman, leading me to a + remote part of the stage, the floor of which had been + tastefully littered with orange-peel in a variety of patterns; + "we shall be comfortabler."</p> + + <p>"Now tell me," I said, "about this new piece."</p> + + <p>"It's what they call a Tragedy," said the boy.</p> + + <p>"Ah!" I replied, "that is interesting; but I want to know + about the Author. What do you think of him?"</p> + + <p>"The horther? Oh my!" said the precocious lad, producing an + apple from his trousers' pocket, but his right eye still fixed + on the talisman, "'e don't count. Why we none of us pays no + attention to 'im. Crikey, you should 'a seen 'im come a cropper + on his nut down them new steps. But, look 'ere, Sir," he + continued, more solemnly, "I'm a tellin' yer secrets, I am; and + if DILEY were to 'ear of it, I'd get a proper jacketin'. Swear + you won't peach."</p> + + <p>I gave the requisite pledge. "And that ere arf-crown?" he + said. I nodded assent to what was evidently in his mind. Then + he resumed. "It's a beautiful piece. The play, I mean," he + explained; being fearful lest I should consider him as + over-eager for the coveted and covenanted reward. "I'm sure o' + that. The horther says so, and DILEY says so, and Miss O'GRADY + says so; she's got the 'eroine to play,—and oh, don't she + die in the lawst Act just proper, with pink light and a couple + o' angels to carry 'er up! Then there's Mr. KEANE 'ARRIS, 'e + touches 'em all up with 'is sword, 'places his back to the + wall, and defies the mob,' is what the book says. So you may + take it from me, it's fust-rate."</p> + + <p>I thanked my intelligent little friend for his information, + and was proceeding to put a further question about the music + for this new Drama, which, as everyone will soon know, is to be + a real <i>chef d'oeuvre</i> of Sir HAUTHOR SUNNIVUN, when a + step was heard approaching across the stage—the deepest, + by the way, in London—to where we were talking.</p> + + <p>"That's 'im," said the boy, trembling. "'E's a noble-'earted + master, so kind and generous, but 'e 'ates deception, and it + would be more than my place is worth to let 'im catch me + talking these 'ere dead secrets to you. Give us the coin. I'm + orf!"</p> + + <p>And, before I was able to carry out my portion of the + contract, he was gone. And in another moment—so was + I.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" + id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:67%;"> + <h3>BRUIN JUNIOR.</h3>"May this be my poison, if my Bear + ever dances but to the very genteelest of tunes, + '<i>Water-parted</i>,' or '<i>The Minuet in Ariadne.'" She + Stoops to Conquer</i>. + <a href="images/62.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/62.png" + alt="BRUIN JUNIOR." /></a> <i>Viceroy</i> (<i>to Miss + India, loquitur</i>). "DON'T BE ALARMED, MY DEAR! THIS + BEAR NEVER DANCES BUT TO THE VERY GENTEELEST OF + TUNES!"<br /> + + <p>Lord LANSDOWNE, <i>loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Be easy, my darling! He doesn't come + snarling,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or rearing, or hugging, this young + Dancing Bear.</p> + + <p>With you (and with pleasure) he'll tread a gay + measure,</p> + + <p class="i2">A captive of courtesy, under my + care;</p> + + <p>His chain is all golden. Your heart 'twill + embolden,</p> + + <p class="i2">And calm that dusk bosom which + timidly shrinks.</p> + + <p>Sincere hospitality is, in reality,</p> + + <p class="i2">Safest of shackles;—just look + at the links!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Alarmists saw ruin in prospects of Bruin,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Great Northern Bear, treading + India's soil.</p> + + <p>How bogies may blind us! On our side the + Indus</p> + + <p class="i2">They fancy friend Ursa spies nothing + but spoil;</p> + + <p>But Ursa's <i>invited</i> to come, and + delighted</p> + + <p class="i2">To visit you, not as aggressor, but + guest.</p> + + <p>So welcome him brightly, and treat him + politely.</p> + + <p class="i2">And trip with him lightly, you'll + find it far best,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ATTA TROLL (HEINE tells us) "danced nobly." + Pride swells us</p> + + <p class="i2">To think our young guest is a true + ATTA TROLL;</p> + + <p>No Bugbear, though shaggy, a trifle + breech-baggy,</p> + + <p class="i2">And not altogether a dandyish + doll;</p> + + <p>No Afghan intrigue, dear, or shy Native league, + dear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Has brought Bruin's foot o'er our + frontier to dance:</p> + + <p>He comes freely, boldly—don't look on him + coldly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or make him suspect there is + <i>fear</i> in your glance.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Be sure that the Lion will still keep his eye + on</p> + + <p class="i2">All Bears and their dens, in the + Tiger's behalf;</p> + + <p>Meanwhile Ursa Minor eschews base design, or</p> + + <p class="i2">Intrigue against <i>you</i>, dear. + Lift eyes, love, and laugh!</p> + + <p>I'll answer for Bruin, he shall not take + <i>you</i> in—</p> + + <p class="i2">The Bear's <i>bona fides</i> nobody + impugns;</p> + + <p>He asks a kind glance, and your hand in a dance; + and</p> + + <p class="i2">He'll dance "to the very genteelest + of tunes"!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE UP-TO-DATE CONVERSATIONIST.</h2> + + <p><i>He</i> (<i>at the end of a turn</i>). I see there's been + a row in Chili—what do you think about it?</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. I don't know the place—isn't it somewhere + in America?</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. I shouldn't be surprised if it were, but my + geography's shaky. I rather fancy it's somehow connected with + pickles.</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. Oh, then it's a mistake their quarrelling, as I + suppose it will be hard upon the poor, especially during the + winter?</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. Fancy that's the idea. Been to the Guelph + Exhibition?</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. Yes, and I think it's a pity they took the + jewels out of GEORGE THE FOURTH's Crown. I should like to have + seen the Koh-i-Noor.</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. But they wanted them for the one at the Tower, + don't you know, and as for the Koh-i-Noor, was <i>that</i> + invented in his time?</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. Perhaps it wasn't. Stay, wasn't it discovered by + Captain COOK, or DRAKE, or somebody?</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. I daresay. I have never looked the matter up. + <i>À propos</i>, One-pound Bank-notes are to be issued.</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. Are they? I suppose they will be useful for + change?</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. Shouldn't be astonished, but don't pretend to + know anything about it. By the way, do you take much interest + in the subjects we have been discussing?</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. Not the faintest.</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. No more do I! [<i>Waltz continued.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>DEARNESS AND DEARTH.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Spanish onions are rising in price, though probably + only temporarily."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Will it be long, then—long?</p> + + <p class="i4">For the people watch and wait,</p> + + <p class="i2">Till the strength of the onion makes them + strong,</p> + + <p class="i4">At only the normal rate.</p> + + <p class="i2">And their eyes are dim with tears,</p> + + <p class="i4">And ache with the need of sleep.</p> + + <p class="i2">And watch till the lapse of the lapsing + years</p> + + <p class="i4">Shall make the onions cheap.</p> + + <p>Cheap, my love, cheap! Sleep, my love, sleep!</p> + + <p>Onions are dear, love, but sentiment's cheap!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>II.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Listen! Is it a voice</p> + + <p class="i4">Calling—again—again,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or a fragrance to make my heart + rejoice</p> + + <p class="i4">From the sunlit land of Spain?</p> + + <p class="i2">Listen, my own, my bride,</p> + + <p class="i4">While the glad tears dew your cheek,</p> + + <p class="i2">They are fried, my bride, by the sad sea + tide</p> + + <p class="i4">With a smell that can almost speak</p> + + <p>Creep, my love, creep into the deep,</p> + + <p>And sing to the fishes that onions are cheap.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE PROPOSED ONE-POUND NOTES.—"Ne-Goschenable + currency."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" + id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> + + <h2>AN ELEGY ON A MAD DOG.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After Goldsmith, more or less.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good patriots all of every sort,</p> + + <p class="i2">Give ear unto my song,</p> + + <p>For if in substance it is short,</p> + + <p class="i2">In moral it is strong.</p> + </div> + </div><a href="images/63-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At Hawarden lived a Grand Old Man,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of whom the world might say,</p> + + <p>A wondrous lengthy race he ran,</p> + + <p class="i2">And won it all the way.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <a href="images/63-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some swore he'd veer to catch a vote;</p> + + <p class="i2">Old age to flout one loathes,</p> + + <p>But, if he never turned his coat,</p> + + <p class="i2">He often changed his clothes.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <a href="images/63-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hard by an Irish dog was found,</p> + + <p class="i2">As many dogs there be,</p> + + <p>Hibernian mongrel, puppy, hound,</p> + + <p class="i2">And curs of low degree.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This dog and man at first seemed friends,</p> + + <p class="i2">But, when a pique began,</p> + + <p>The dog, to gain his private ends,</p> + + <p class="i2">Went mad, and bit the man!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <a href="images/63-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-4.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To see so strange and sad a sight</p> + + <p class="i2">Quidnuncs and <i>gobemouches</i> + ran,</p> + + <p>And swore the dog was rabid quite</p> + + <p class="i2">To bite that Grand Old Man.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <a href="images/63-5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-5.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The wound indeed seemed sore and sad</p> + + <p class="i2">To every party eye,</p> + + <p>And while they swore the dog was mad,</p> + + <p class="i2">They swore the man must die.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:52%;"> + <a href="images/63-6.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63-6.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But marvels sometimes come to light</p> + + <p class="i2">Rash prophets to belie.</p> + + <p>The man seems healing of the bite,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dog looks like to die!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Remarkable Conversion.</h3> + + <p>"CANON TEIGNMOUTH SHORE proposes to convert the two + Convocations." ... that is startling without the + context—"into one National Synod." But two into one won't + go. How will he manage it? Will those in the York ship join the + Canterbury, or <i>vice versâ</i>? Or, quitting both ships, will + they land on common ground? "Who's for SHORE?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PAR ABOUT PICTURES.—"<i>Over the Garden Wall</i>," + seems to be the song that Mr. G.S. ELGOOD sings at the Fine Art + Society's Gallery. In the course of his travels he has been + over a good many garden walls. At Wroxton, Compton Wynyates, + Penshurst, Montacute, Berkeley, and Helmingham, he has pursued + his studies to some purpose; the result is an enjoyable + collection of pictures, which he entitles, "A Summer among the + Flowers."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" + id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> + + <h2>BRUSTLES' BISHOP.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Muddled Moralist.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <p>BEN BRUSTLES was only a poor shoeblack-boy who cleaned + boots—ay, and even shoes, for his daily bread. Such time + as he could spare from his avocation he devoted to diligent + study of the doctrine of chance, as exemplified in the practice + of pitch-and-toss. Often and often, after pitching and tossing + in the cold wet streets for long weary hours, he would return + home without a halfpenny. Think of this, ye more fortunate + youths, who sit at home at ease, and play Loto for nuts! But + through all his vicissitudes, BEN kept a stout heart, never + losing his conviction that something—he knew not + what—would eventually turn up. Sometimes it was heads, at + others tails: and in either case the poor boy lost money by + it—but he persevered notwithstanding, confident that + Fortune would favour him at last. It is this spirit of + undaunted enterprise that has made our England what it is!</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/64-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64-1.png" + alt="Brustles Blacking." /></a>Brustles Blacking. + </div> + + <p>And one day Fortune did favour him. He observed, as he knelt + before his box, a portly and venerable person close by, who was + engrossed in studying, with apparent complacency, his own + reflection in a plate-glass shop-front. So naïve a display of + personal vanity, in one whose dress and demeanour denoted him a + Bishop, not unnaturally excited BENJAMIN's interest, nor was + this lessened when the stranger, after shaking his head + reproachfully at his reflected image, advanced to the + shoe-black's box as if in obedience to a sudden impulse.</p> + + <p>"My lad," he said, with a certain calm dignity, "will you be + so good as to black both my legs for me—at once?"</p> + + <p>This unusual request, conceived as it was on a larger scale + than the orders he habitually received, startled the youth, + particularly as he noted that the symmetrical and well-turned + limb which the Bishop extended consisted, like its fellow, of a + rare and costly species of mahogany, and shone with the rich + and glossy hue of a newly-fallen horse-chestnut, "I see," + commented the Bishop, with a melancholy smile, "that you have + already discovered that my lower members are the + product—not of Nature, but of Art. It was not always thus + with me—but in my younger days I was an ardent + climber—indeed, I am still an Honorary Member of the + Hampstead Heath Alpine Club. Many years since, whilst scaling + Primrose Hill, I was compelled, by a sudden storm, to take + refuge in a half-way hut, where I passed the night, exposed to + all the rigours of an English Midsummer! When I awoke I found, + to my surprise, that both my legs had been bitten by the + relentless frost short off immediately below the knee, and I + had to continue the ascent next day in a basket. On descending, + I caused these substitutes to be fashioned, and on them I + stumped my way to the exalted position I now fill, nor have I + ever evinced any physical inconveniences from my misfortune, + save in one particular—that it has rendered the + assumption of gaiters unhappily out of the question! But, + possibly, my wish to have these legs of mine disguised by your + pigments, strikes you as bizarre, if not positively eccentric? + You will better understand my reasons after you have heard a + confession which, though necessary, is, believe me, painful to + make." And the good old man, after a short internal struggle, + began the following narrative, which we reserve for a + succeeding chapter.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>"Even as a Curate, a certain harmless vanity was ever my + besetting weakness. I might, indeed, have hoped that, after my + accident—but see, my good lad, how pride may lurk, even + in our very infirmities! These artificial limbs have become a + yet subtler snare to me than even those they replaced. I had + them constructed, as you see, of the best mahogany—to + match the furniture in my dining-room. With ever-increasing + pleasure, my eyes have gloried in their grain and gloss, in the + symmetry of their curves, in the more than Chinese delicacy of + their extremities, until gradually they have trampled upon my + better self, they have run away with all my possibilities of + moral usefulness! Yes, but this very moment, as I stood + admiring their contour at yonder window, the pernicious thought + crossed my mind that their appearance would be yet more + enhanced if I had them <i>gilded</i>!"</p> + + <p>"But, your reverent Lordship," objected BRUSTLES, as the + Bishop paused, overcome by humiliation, "it's no use coming to + <i>me</i> for that 'ere job!" For, though but a poor boy, he + was too honest to accept any commission under false pretences. + Gilding, he knew, might—and, in a London atmosphere, soon + would—become black, but no boot-polish would ever assume + the appearance, even of the blackest gilt, and so he candidly + explained to the Bishop.</p> + + <p>"I know, my boy," said the latter, patting BEN's head kindly + with the handle of his umbrella, "I know. Hence my application + to your skill. That presumptuous idea revealed as in a + lightning flash the abyss on the brink of which I stood. This + demon of perverse pride must be laid; humbled for ever. So ply + your brushes, and see you spare not the blacking!"</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>BRUSTLES obeyed—not without awe, and in a short space + of time two pots of blacking were exhausted, and the roseate + glow of the Bishop's mahogany limbs was for ever hidden under a + layer of more than Nubian ebony!</p> + + <p>"'Selp me, your lordly reverence," he cried, dazzled by the + brilliancy of the result; "but you might be took, below, for a + Lifeguardsman!"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/64-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64-2.png" + alt="Bilked by a Bishop." /></a>Bilked by a Bishop. + </div> + + <p>"Hush," said the Bishop, though with a gratification he + could not restrain, "would you recall the demon I strove to + exorcise! It is true that the change is less of a disfigurement + than I feared—ahem, <i>hoped</i>—but after all, may + not the wish to please the eye of man be excusable? You shall + receive a rich reward. Do you happen to have such a thing as + change for a five-pound note about you?"</p> + + <p>"Alas!" replied the lad, with ready presence of mind, "but I + have only just paid all my gold into my bank for the day!"</p> + + <p>"No matter," said the Bishop, gently. "I find I have a + threepenny bit, after all. It is yours!" And the good + ecclesiastic, as if to avoid thanks, moved nimbly off, though + his eyes still sought the shop-windows as he passed, with even + greater complacency than before.</p> + + <p>BEN tested the threepenny bit between his teeth—it was + a spurious coin; he looked up, but his late customer was + already passed out of hearing of his sentiments. He sank down + with his head laid amongst his pots and brushes. "Bilked!" he + moaned piteously, "bilked—and by a blooming Bishop!"</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>But mark the sequel. The good Bishop had been quite ignorant + that the threepenny bit was a pewter one; quite sincere, for + the time, in his determination to subdue his own weakness. + Still it was not to be: inbred pride is not so easily + vanquished—even by Bishops! The Bishop learned to glory + in his blacking far more than he had ever done in the original + mahogany. He had it continually renewed, and with the most + expensive compositions. He would bend enraptured over the + burnished surfaces of his extended legs, gazing, like another + Narcissus, at the features he saw so faithfully repeated.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile the threepence, base as it was, became the humble + instrument of brighter fortunes to BRUSTLES; it showed a + marvellous <span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" + id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> aptitude for turning up + tails, which BEN no sooner perceived than he availed himself + of a blessing that had, indeed, come to him in disguise!</p> + + <p>But the Bishop—what of him? Nemesis overtook him at + last. The discontent long smouldering in his diocese broke out + into a climax. Thousands of Curates, inflamed by professional + agitators, went out on strike, and their first victim was the + Bishop of TIMBERTOWS, who was discovered prostrate one dark + night by his horrified Chaplain. He had been picketed as a + Blackleg!</p> + + <center> + THE END. + </center> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>Copies of the above may be obtained for + distribution, at very reasonable terms, on application to + the Author</i>.)</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>PLAYTIME FOR A DOLL'S HOUSE.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—According to a well-known Critic, + writing of a morning performance of <i>The Doll's House</i> on + Tuesday, the 27th ult., at Terry's Theatre, "There is no need + to discuss IBSEN's piece any more." I will go a little further, + and say, not only should the play be spared discussion, but + also performance. All that could be done for this miserable + drama (if a work utterly devoid of dramatic interest can be so + entitled) was effected some years since, when <i>Breaking a + Butterfly</i>, a version with Messrs. HERMAN and JONES as + adapters, was played at the Prince's (now Prince of Wales's) + Theatre. I believe some one or other has said that that version + was misleading, because it modified IBSEN, and did not reveal + him in his true colours. This I can readily believe, as my + recollection of <i>Breaking a Butterfly</i> merely suggests + boredom; whereas, when I consider <i>The Doll's House</i> of + Tuesday, I distinctly mingle with boredom a recollection of + something that caused a feeling of absolute loathing. That + something, I imagine, must be the new matter which was absent + from the first version, and crops up in the text of the second, + which, according to the Play-bill, appears "in Vol. I. of the + authorised edition of IBSEN's Prose Dramas, edited by WILLIAM + ARCHER, and published by Mr. WALTER SCOTT." By the way, I must + confess that, although the name of the Editor is not familiar + to me as a dramatic author, his superintendence of the + authorised text seems to have been performed sufficiently + creditably to have rendered him as worthy of an honourable + prefix as the publisher. Why omit the "Mr."? Now I come to + think of it, there is an Englishman, not unconnected with + dramatic literature, who is known nowadays as WILLIAM, without + the prefix of Mister, but in his own time he was known as + Master WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, and Master he remains. "But this," + as Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, "is quite another + WILLIAM."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/65.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65.png" + alt="Fancy Picture of Hanwellian Admirer of the Ibsenesque Drama thoroughly enjoying himself." /> + </a>Fancy Picture of Hanwellian Admirer of the Ibsenesque + Drama thoroughly enjoying himself. + </div> + + <p>I have not the original for reference handy, but the version + played at Terry's Theatre bears internal evidence of a close + translation. An adapter, I fancy, with a free hand would + scarcely have made one of the characters use the same exit + speech on two occasions. <i>Nils Krogstad</i> does this. He can + think of nothing better than, "If I am flung into the gutter, + you shall accompany me," repeated twice with the slight + variation, "If I am flung into the gutter for the second time, + you shall accompany me," used for the last exit. Again, + <i>Torvald Helmer</i> has a long monologue in the final Act + that a practised playwright would have "broken up" with the + assistance of a portrait, or a letter, or something. From this + it would appear that the Editor, WILLIAM ARCHER (without the + "Mr.") has very faithfully produced the exact translation of + the original. To be hypercritical, I might suggest that perhaps + occasionally the version is rather <i>too</i> literal. For + instance, <i>Torvald Helmer</i>, although he is cursed with one + of the most offensive wives known to creation, would scarcely + call her "a little lark," which conveys the impression that he + is a "gay dog," and one given to the traditional ways of that + species of ultra-sociable animals. I have confessed I have not + the original before me, so I cannot say whether the title used + by IBSEN is "<i>Smalle Larke</i>," but I fancy that a "capering + capercailzie," if not actually his <i>words</i>, would be + nearer his <i>meaning</i>. A capercailzie is, according to the + dictionaries, a bird of "a delicious flavour" and partially + "green;" it is also found in Norway "very fine and large," as + IBSEN might say. Surely <i>Torvald</i> would have thus + described his semi-verdant <i>Nora</i>, finding her distinctly + to his taste.</p> + + <p>Returning to what I venture to imagine must be "new matter" + not in the Herman-<i>plus</i>-Jonesian version, I consider the + scene in which <i>Nora</i> chaffs <i>Dr. Rank</i> about his + illness absolutely nauseous, and the drink-inspired admiration + of husband for wife in the concluding Act repulsive to the last + degree. On Tuesday the spectators received the piece with + patient apathy; and, this being the case, I could not help + feeling that anyone who could single out such a play as + suitable for performance before an English audience, could + scarcely possess the acumen generally considered a necessary + adjunct to the qualifications of an efficient Dramatic Critic. + The hero, the heroine, the doctor, as prigs, could only appeal + to prigs, and thank goodness the average London theatre-goer is + the reverse of a prig. There was but one redeeming point in the + play—its conclusion. It ends happily in <i>Nora</i>, + forger, liar, and—hem—wedded flirt, being separated + from her innocent children.</p> + + <p>For the rest, the piece was fairly well acted. But when the + Curtain had fallen for the last time, and the audience were + departing more in sadness than in anger, I could not help + asking myself the question, Had the advantages obtained in + witnessing the performance balanced the expense incurred in + securing a seat? I am forced to reply in the negative, as I + sign myself regretfully,</p> + + <p class="author">ONE WHO PAID FOR A PLACE IN THE PIT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>I see three ladies in a drawing-room, each with a green + volume. "What is it?" No, they won't hear. Each one is intent + on her volume, and an irritable answer, in a don't bother kind + of manner, is all that I can obtain. The novel is Miss + BRADDON's latest, <i>One Life, One Love</i> (but three volumes, + for all that), in which they are absorbed. Later on, at + intervals, I get the volumes, and, raven-like, secrete them. I + can quite understand the absorption of my young friends. + Marvellous, Miss BRADDON! Very few have approached you in + sensation-writing, and none in keeping up sensationalism as + fresh as ever it was when first I sat up at night nervously to + read <i>Aurora Floyd</i>, and <i>Lady Audley's Secret</i>. In + this bad time of year (I am writing when the snow is without, + and the North-East wind is engaged in cutting leaves), the + Baron recommends remaining indoors with this Three-volume Novel + as a between lunch and dinner companion, only don't take it up + to your bed-room, and sit over the fire with it, or—but + there, I won't mention the consequences. Keep it till daylight + doth appear. The Baron being a busy man—no, Sir, not a + busy-body,—is grateful to the authors of good short + stories in Magazines. Many others agree with the Baron, who + wishes to recommend "Saint or Satan" in <i>The Argosy</i>; The + story of an "Old Beau," which might have been advantageously + abbreviated in <i>Scribner</i>; an odd tale entitled, "The + Phantom Portrait," in the <i>Cornhill</i>; which leaves the + reader in doubt as to whether he has been egregiously "sold" or + not; and, above all, the short and interesting—too short + and most interesting—paper on THACKERAY, in <i>Harper's + Monthly</i>, with fac-similes of some of the great humorist's + most eccentric and most spirited illustrations, conceived in + the broadly burlesquing spirit that was characteristic of + GILRAY and ROWLANDSON. THACKERAY, philosopher and satirist, who + can take us behind the scenes of every show in <i>Vanity + fair</i>, who can depict the career of the scoundrel <i>Barry + Lyndon</i>, of the heathen <i>Becky Sharp</i>, and the + death-bed of the Christian soldier and gentleman, + <i>dignissimus, Colonel Newcome</i>, could on occasion, and + when a rollicking spirit moved him, put on a pantomime mask + (have we not his own pathetic vignette representing him doing + this?) to amuse the children, or give us some rare burlesque + writing and drawing to set us all on the broad grin. The Baron + trusts that Mrs. RITCHIE will give us more of this, and + sincerely hopes that there may be a "lot more" caricatures in + that portfolio "where these came from." I heartily thank you + for so much, and respectfully ask for more, says yours, very + gratefully,</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>In Memoriam.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Strong man and strenuous fighter, stricken down</p> + + <p>Just when foes owned thee neither knave nor + clown!</p> + + <p>The fiercest of them, time-taught, need not fear</p> + + <p>To drop a blossom now on BRADLAUGH's bier.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ARTHUR AND COMPOSER.—Saturday, January 31.—First + night of SULLIVAN's <i>Ivanhoe</i> in D'OYLEY CARTE's new + Theatre. Full inside, all right. Sir ARTHUR's success. We + congratulate him Arthurly, CARTE called before + horse,—should say before Curtain, but t'other came so + naturally,—looked pale,—quite <i>carte blanche</i>; + but, like SULLIVAN's music, composed. Could get a CARTE, but no + cab. Gallant gentlemen and delicate ladies braving rain and + slosh. More in our next, but for the present ... (<i>Paroxysm + of sneezing</i>).</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" + id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:67%;"> + <a href="images/66.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/66.png" + alt="ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. AN ICE PICTURE." /> + </a> + + <h3>ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. AN ICE PICTURE.</h3> + + <p><i>Fair Damsel</i>. "WHAT A LOT OF HOLIDAYS YOU SEEM TO + GET, MR. MINIVER!"</p> + + <p><i>Pet Curate</i>. "WELL, YES. I KEEP A RECTOR, YOU + KNOW."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WHAT DO <i>YOU</i> THINK?</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>A Song of the Session, as sung by that Eminent and + Evergreen Lion Comique</i>, "JOLLY GLAD" <i>at the St. + Stephen's Hall of Varieties, Westminster.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>JOLLY GLAD, <i>sings</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With a flower in my coat,</p> + + <p>With a keen eye for a vote,</p> + + <p>And a sense the things to note,</p> + + <p class="i10">Buff and Blue think,</p> + + <p>With fond millions to admire,</p> + + <p>A last triumph to desire,—</p> + + <p>Am I going to <i>Retire</i>?—</p> + + <p class="i10">What do <i>you</i> think?</p> + + <p>Oh, I know the quidnuncs vapour,</p> + + <p>And that <i>Tadpole</i>, yes, and <i>Taper</i>,</p> + + <p>Tell in many a twaddling paper,</p> + + <p class="i10">What the few think;</p> + + <p>But <i>they</i> cater for the classes,</p> + + <p>Whilst <i>I'm</i> champion of the masses,</p> + + <p>Fly before such braying asses?—</p> + + <p class="i10">What do <i>you</i> think?</p> + + <p>Wish is father to their thought,</p> + + <p>Their wild hope with fear is fraught.</p> + + <p>They are not <i>au fait</i> to aught</p> + + <p class="i10">Liberals true think.</p> + + <p>They imagine "Mr. Fox"</p> + + <p>Has delivered such hard knocks</p> + + <p>That <i>impasse</i> my pathway blocks!—</p> + + <p class="i10">What do <i>you</i> think?</p> + + <p>Just inspect me, if you please!</p> + + <p>Is my pose not marked by ease?</p> + + <p><i>Am</i> I going at the knees,</p> + + <p class="i10">Like a "screw" Think!</p> + + <p>Pooh! The part of Sisyphus</p> + + <p>Suits me well. Why make a fuss?</p> + + <p>Eh? Retire,—and leave things thus?</p> + + <p class="i10">What do <i>you</i> think?</p> + + <p>On the—say the Lyric Stage—</p> + + <p>For some years I've been the rage,</p> + + <p>And some histrios touched by age</p> + + <p class="i10">Of Adieu think.</p> + + <p>But I'm like that "Awful Dad,"</p> + + <p>Though this makes my rivals mad,</p> + + <p>Don't true Gladdyites feel glad?</p> + + <p class="i10">What do you think?</p> + + <p>I'm a genuine Evergreen;</p> + + <p>It is that excites their spleen</p> + + <p>Who my lingering on the scene</p> + + <p class="i10">A great "do" think.</p> + + <p>I regret, <i>so</i> much, to tease them!</p> + + <p>My last exit would much ease them.</p> + + <p>But Retire!—and just to please them!</p> + + <p class="i10">What do <i>you</i> think?</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Winks and walks round.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>A DREAMY MADNESS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The other night I went to bed,—</p> + + <p class="i2">It may seem strange, but still I did + it,—</p> + + <p>And laid to rest my weary head</p> + + <p class="i2">So that the bed-clothes nearly hid + it;</p> + + <p>Which was perhaps the reason why</p> + + <p class="i2">My brain throughout the night was + teeming</p> + + <p>With truly wondrous sights, and I</p> + + <p class="i2">Was wholly given o'er to dreaming.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas on the Twenty-first of May,</p> + + <p class="i2">The streets were filled to + overflowing,</p> + + <p>The streets, that in a curious way</p> + + <p class="i2">Were clean although it kept on + snowing.</p> + + <p>The daily papers for a change</p> + + <p class="i2">Came out each day without a leader,</p> + + <p>But, what was surely rather strange,</p> + + <p class="i2">They didn't lose a single reader!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I saw a Bishop in a tram,</p> + + <p class="i2">Although he knew it was a Sunday;</p> + + <p>The lion lay down with the lamb,</p> + + <p class="i2">And CLEMENT SCOTT with SYDNEY GRUNDY.</p> + + <p>Professor HUXLEY said, "In truth</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm really sick to death of rows," + and</p> + + <p>Wrote there and then to General BOOTH</p> + + <p class="i2">To put his name down for a thousand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I heard that Mr. PARNELL wrote</p> + + <p class="i2">(Much to McCARTHY's jubilation)</p> + + <p>A very kind and civil note,</p> + + <p class="i2">In which he sent his resignation;</p> + + <p>Whilst ANDREW LANG with weary air</p> + + <p class="i2">Professed himself completely + staggered</p> + + <p>To think how anyone could care</p> + + <p class="i2">To read a line of RIDER HAGGARD.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The House of Commons talked about</p> + + <p class="i2">The case of Mr. + BRADLAUGH—whether</p> + + <p>The Motion which has kept him out</p> + + <p class="i2">Should now be struck out altogether;</p> + + <p>And OLD MORALITY arose</p> + + <p class="i2">To say they felt no ancient + <i>animus</i>,</p> + + <p>And when they voted, why of Noes</p> + + <p class="i2">There wasn't one—they were + <i>unanimous</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I started up, no more to sleep,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dream somehow had seemed to spoil + it,</p> + + <p>Nor did it take me long to leap</p> + + <p class="i2">Out of my bed and make my toilet.</p> + + <p>I went down-stairs, and with surprise</p> + + <p class="i2">I thought of those my dream had + slandered,</p> + + <p>And there, before my very eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>I saw it printed in the</i> + STANDARD!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I wish I hadn't gone to bed.</p> + + <p class="i2">I can't imagine why I did it.</p> + + <p>Nor why I laid my weary head</p> + + <p class="i2">So that the clothes completely hid + it.</p> + + <p>Although I think that must be why</p> + + <p class="i2">My brain has ever since been teeming;</p> + + <p>But tell me (if you can) am I</p> + + <p class="i2">At present mad, or <i>was</i> I + dreaming?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" + id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/67.png" + alt="'RETIRE!—WHAT DO <i>YOU</i> THINK?'" /> + </a> + + <h3>"RETIRE!—WHAT DO <i>YOU</i> THINK?"</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" + id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/69.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/69.png" + alt="THE STOPPING OR REMOVAL OF A 'GRINDER.'" /></a> + + <h3>THE STOPPING OR REMOVAL OF A "GRINDER."</h3>A SKETCH IN + THE STREETS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON, the new indestructible cloth.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON is a stubborn and inflexible material.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON is made, by a new process, from blockwood + and paving-stones.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON, used for gentlemen's coats, will not only + keep out rain and wind, but thunder and lightning.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON never breaks or bends, but only bursts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON.—A "PURCHASER" writes—"I sat + down in a pair of your trousers, but could never get up + again."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LITHONODENDRIKON.—Another "CUSTOMER" says—"The + dress-coat you supplied me with fitted me well. I could not + take it off without having recourse to a sledge-hammer."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply the cheapest and worst in + the market.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, hand-picked by the Duke himself, + on whose property the mines are situated.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, carefully selected, screened and + delivered (in the dark), anywhere within a ten-mile radius of + Charing Cross at 9<i>s.</i> 6<i>d</i>, a ton, for cash on + delivery.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply a wonderful article at the + price. Throws down a heavy brown ash. No flame, no heat. + Frequently explodes, scattering the contents of the grate over + the largest room.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY beg to refer intending purchasers + to the accompanying testimonial: "Gentlemen,—Do what I + will, I cannot get your coals to light. Put on in sufficient + quantity they will extinguish any fire. I have worn out three + drawing-room pokers in my endeavours to stir them into a flame, + but all to no purpose. Steeped in petroleum, they might + possibly ignite in a double-draught furnace, though I fancy + they would put it out. They are as you advertise them, a 'show + coal for summer use.' Don't send me any more."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CHARLIE AND SARAH.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—Why should ARISTOTLE be the only + author whose works get discovered? I found the following story, + written on papyrus, and enclosed in a copper cylinder, in my + back garden, and I am positive that it is not ARISTOTLE. Can it + possibly have been written by that amiable and instructive + authoress whose stories for children have recently been + reprinted? Yours, &c., HENRY ST. OTLE.</p> + + <p>CHARLIE was a very obedient little boy, and his sister SARAH + was a good, patient little girl. One beautiful summer's day + they went to stay for a week with their Uncle WILLIAM, a man of + very high principles, who was not quite used to the proper + method with children. On the evening of their arrival, as they + were seated in front of the fire, CHARLIE lifted up his bright, + obedient, beautiful face, and said, thoughtfully:</p> + + <p>"Pray, Uncle WILLIAM, cannot we have one of those + instructive and amusing conversations such as children love, + about refraction, and relativity, and initial velocity, and + Mesopotamia generally?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, Uncle WILLIAM!" said SARAH, pausing to wipe her + patient little nose; "Our dear Papa is always so pleasant and + polysyllabic on these subjects."</p> + + <p>Then Uncle WILLIAM regretted that he had paid less attention + in his youth to the shilling science primers, but he pulled + himself together and determined to do his best. "Certainly, my + dear children, nothing could please me more. Now here I have a + jug and a glass. You will observe that I pour some water from + the jug into the glass. This illustrates one of the properties + of water. Can you tell me what I mean?"</p> + + <p>"Fluidity!" said both the children, with enthusiasm.</p> + + <p>"Yes, quite so, and—er—er—has a brick + fluidity?"</p> + + <p>"Why, no, Uncle WILLIAM!"</p> + + <p>"Well—er—<i>why</i> hasn't it?" asked Uncle + WILLIAM, with something almost like desperation in his + voice.</p> + + <p>"That, Uncle," said the obedient CHARLIE, "is one of the + things which we should like to learn from you to-night."</p> + + <p>"Yes, we shall come to that; but, in order to make you + understand it better, I must carry my experiment a little + further. In this decanter I have what is called whiskey. I pour + some of it into the water. Now it is more usual to put the + whiskey in first, and the water afterwards. Can you tell me why + that is so? Think it out for yourselves." And Uncle WILLIAM + smiled genially.</p> + + <p>There was silence for a few moments. Then little SARAH said, + timidly: "I think it must be because, when a man wishes to + drink, whiskey is the first thing which naturally occurs to his + mind. He does not think about water until afterwards."</p> + + <p>"Quite right. That is the explanation of the scientists. And + why do you think I put in the water first and the whiskey + afterwards?"</p> + + <p>"It was," said CHARLIE, brightly, "in order that we might + not see so exactly how much whiskey you took."</p> + + <p>"No, that's quite wrong. I did it out of sheer originality. + Now what would happen if I drank this curious mixture?"</p> + + <p>"You would be breaking the pledge, Uncle WILLIAM," said both + children, promptly and heartily.</p> + + <p>"Wrong again. I should be acting under doctor's orders."</p> + + <p>"Why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, + patiently.</p> + + <p>"Don't interrupt, my dear child. We're coming to that. Now, + CHARLIE, when you eat or drink anything, where does it go?"</p> + + <p>"It goes into my little—oh, no, Uncle, I cannot say + that word," and CHARLIE, who was of a singularly modest and + refined disposition, buried his face in his hands, and blushed + deeply.</p> + + <p>"Admirable!" exclaimed Uncle WILLIAM. "One cannot be too + refined. Call it the blank. It goes into your blank. Well, + whiskey raises the tone of the blank. Just as, when you screw + up the peg of a violin, you raise the tone of the string. By + drinking this I raise the tone of my blank." He suited the + action to the word.</p> + + <p>"Now you'll be screwed," said CHARLIE, "like the pegs of + the—"</p> + + <p>"On one glass of weak whiskey-and-water—never!"</p> + + <p>"But why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, quite + patiently.</p> + + <p>"First of all, listen to this. That whiskey-and-water is now + inside me. I want you to understand what <i>inside</i> means. + Go and stand in the passage, and shut the door of this room + after you."</p> + + <p>"But, Uncle," said SARAH, patiently, "why hasn't a brick + any—"</p> + + <p>"Hush, SARAH, hush!" said the obedient CHARLIE. "It is our + duty to obey Uncle WILLIAM in all things."</p> + + <p>So the two children went out of the room, and shut the door + after them. Uncle WILLIAM went to the door, and locked it.</p> + + <p>"Now then," he said, cheerily, "I am inside. And where are + you?"</p> + + <p>"Outside."</p> + + <p>"Yes—and outside you'll stop. One of the servants will + put you to bed." And Uncle WILLIAM went back to the + decanter.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" + id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/70.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/70.png" + alt="ANOTHER SCENE FROM THE PANTOMIME AT ST. STEPHEN'S." /> + </a> + + <h3>ANOTHER SCENE FROM THE PANTOMIME AT ST. + STEPHEN'S.</h3><i>The Illuminated Doorway. Brilliant effect + lately introduced into the House of Commons.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" + id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> + + <h2>A DEAD FROST.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When I saw you on "a January morning,"</p> + + <p class="i2">With a very little pair of skates + indeed,</p> + + <p>And the frosty glow your fairy face adorning,</p> + + <p class="i2">I was suddenly from other passions + freed.</p> + + <p>And the year at its imperial beginning</p> + + <p>Showed the woman who alone was worth the + winning;</p> + + <p>Though the growing flame awhile I tried to + smother</p> + + <p class="i10">Like a brother;</p> + + <p>And that's a very common phase indeed,</p> + + <p class="i10">As we read.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My hat and stick I suddenly found fleeting,</p> + + <p class="i2">And they whistled o'er the surface, + smooth and black,</p> + + <p>And the ice, with an unwonted warmth of + greeting,</p> + + <p class="i2">Slapt me suddenly and hard upon the + back.</p> + + <p>I didn't mind your laughing, if the laughter</p> + + <p>Had left no sting of scorn to rankle after.</p> + + <p>Though I'd joyously have flung myself before you</p> + + <p class="i10">To adore you,</p> + + <p>Still to sit with all one's might upon the ice</p> + + <p class="i10">Isn't nice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When I met you in the lordly local ball-room,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where you queen'd it, the suburban + world's desire,</p> + + <p>Though your programme for my name had left but small + room,</p> + + <p class="i2">I somehow snatched five valses from the + fire.</p> + + <p>And I did stout supper-service for your mother,</p> + + <p>While you wove the self-same spells o'er many + another,</p> + + <p>And I said, no doubt, the sort of things that they + did,</p> + + <p class="i10">In the shaded</p> + + <p>Little nook beneath the palms upon the stair,</p> + + <p class="i10">To my fair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But I noticed, as I learned to know you better,</p> + + <p class="i2">And you ceased to wile the victim at your + feet,</p> + + <p>There was very little silk about the fetter,</p> + + <p class="i2">And 'twere flattery to say your sway was + sweet:</p> + + <p>Nay, you made the light and airy shrine of + beauty</p> + + <p>A centre for the most exacting duty,</p> + + <p>And the fealty of the family undoubting</p> + + <p class="i10">Met with flouting,</p> + + <p>As a tribute which was nothing but your due,</p> + + <p class="i10">As they knew.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your Papa is getting elderly and bulky,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he loves you as the apple of his + eye,</p> + + <p>Yet very little things will make you sulky,</p> + + <p class="i2">And to meet his little ways you never + try.</p> + + <p>And I see him look a trifle hurt and puzzled,</p> + + <p>And his love for you is often check'd and + muzzled;</p> + + <p>Yet I think, upon the whole, that I would rather</p> + + <p class="i10">Be your father,</p> + + <p>Than the lover you could torture at your ease,</p> + + <p class="i10">If you please.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>STRANGE, BUT TRUE.</h3> + + <p>Sir,—Under the heading of "Ecclesiastical + Intelligence" in the <i>Times</i> of Saturday, I read that, + "The LORD CHANCELLOR has preferred the Rev. W.R. WELCH, of + Hull, to the Vicarage of Withernwick, East Yorkshire," I + presume the LORD CHANCELLOR knows both the gentleman and the + place thoroughly, and so wisely elects which he prefers; but to + one who, like myself and thousands of others, know neither, it + strikes me that I would certainly prefer the place to the + parson, however worthy. It is, indeed, gratifying to see that + the Highest Representative of Law and Order in the realm, after + HER GRACIOUS MAJESTY, is so utterly uninfluenced by any + mercenary motives. I send this by Private Post, an old soldier, + and am yours enthusiastically,</p> + + <p class="author">NOODLE DE NOODLE.</p> + + <p><i>The Retreat, Hanwell-on-Sea.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>"BETTER LATE THAN NEVER."—Two Jurymen, says a + paragraph in last Saturday's <i>Times</i>, wrote to the + Solicitor acting for a female prisoner, one CUTLER, who had + been convicted of perjury and sentenced at Chester, to say that + they "gave in to a verdict of Guilty because it was very late, + and one gentleman had an important business engagement at + home." This recalls the line, "And wretches hang that Jurymen + may dine." The remainder of ELLEN CUTLER's sentence of five + years' penal servitude is remitted. It is satisfactory to know + that these two had the courage of their opinions before it was + too late.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/71-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/71-1.png" + alt="SYMPATHETIC EGOISM OF GENIUS." /></a> + + <h3>SYMPATHETIC EGOISM OF GENIUS.</h3>(<i>A + Study.</i>)<br /> + "DON'T RUN AWAY YET, OLD MAN! IT'S QUITE EARLY, AND I WANT + TO HEAR ALL ABOUT YOUR ACADEMY PICTURE, WHICH I'M TOLD IS + SPLENDID." + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Proceeds to describe his</i> own <i>at great + length, and then suddenly finds out how late it is, and + bolts!</i></p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, Jan. 26.</i>—PLUNKET + undoubtedly the most successful Commissioner of Works of recent + times. A little coolness sprung up between him and CAVENDISH + BENTINCK about those staircases in Westminster Hall. But + <i>chacun a son</i> idea of a staircase. PLUNKET quite as + likely to be right as C.B. Always doing something to improve + arrangements of House. Does it quietly, too; Members know + nothing about it till they come down and find new Smoking-room, + fresh arrangements of lights, new rooms for Ministers, and + occasionally a priceless old table adorning Tea-room. Various + accounts of its origin. Some say Magna Charta signed on it. + Others fixing earlier date and attracted by the initials "W.R." + clearly carved on left leg, affirm that it is the very table on + which WILLIAM REX took his five o'clock tea after Battle of + Hastings.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/71-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/71-2.png" + alt="'Dear me!'" /></a>"Dear me!" + </div> + + <p>Latest surprise prepared by First Commissioner is + illumination of entrance to House from Lobby, cunningly + effected by electric lights set within recesses of arch. + SCHNAD-HORST, revisiting House after long interval, astonished + at this. "Making things very comfortable in anticipation of our + coming in," he says, smiling sweetly.</p> + + <p>Later came upon NICHOLAS WOODS; found him standing in + attitude of patient and intelligent expectation. "What are you + waiting there for?" I asked. "Why don't you come in and hear + SWINBURNE make one or two speeches on Tithes + Bill?"</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" + id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> + + <p>"Well—er—fact is," said NICHOLAS, steadfastly + keeping his eyes on archway, "WILFRID LAWSON told me that if I + was here about eleven o'clock I would see PLUNKET and the + ATTORNEY-GENERAL come out under the archway dancing a <i>pas de + deux</i>. Couldn't make out when I arrived what the + illumination was for; asked LAWSON. 'Oh' says he, 'it's the + First Commissioner's reminiscence of one of the alcoves at + Vauxhall Gardens.' Then he told me about PLUNKET and WEBSTER. + Thought I'd like to see it. Do you think it's all right?"</p> + + <p>"Well," I said, "ALBERT ROLLIT <i>did</i> tell me something + about ATTORNEY-GENERAL going on the Spree. But that was in + Germany, and he had his skates with him. Don't know how it'll + be here. You mustn't forget that WILFRID's something of a wag. + Wouldn't advise you to wait much after eleven o'clock."</p> + + <p>House engaged all night on Tithes Bill. Not particularly + lively. Towards midnight TANNER, preternaturally quiet since + House met, suddenly woke up, and, <i>à propos de bottes</i>, + moved to report progress. COURTNEY down on him like cartload of + bricks; declined to put Motion, declaring it abuse of forms of + House. This rather depressing. In good old times there would + have been an outburst of indignation in Irish camp; Chairman's + ruling challenged, and squabble agreeably occupied rest of + evening. But times changed. No Irish present to back TANNER, + who, with despairing look round, subsided, and business went + forward without further check.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Tithes Bill in Committee.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/72-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72-1.png" + alt="Exit!" /></a>Exit! + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Mr. DICK DE LISLE came down to House + to-night full of high resolve. Hadn't yet been a Member of + House when it shook from time to time with the roar of + controversy round BRADLAUGH, his oath, his affirmation, and his + stylographic pen. At that time was in Singapore, helping Sir + FREDERICK WELD to govern the Straits Settlement. But had + watched controversy closely, and had contributed to its + settlement by writing a luminous treatise, entitled, <i>The + Parliamentary Oath</i>. Now, by chance, the question cropped up + again. BRADLAUGH had secured first place on to-night's order + for his Motion rescinding famous Resolution of June, 1880, + declaring him ineligible to take his seat. BRADLAUGH ill in + bed; sick unto death, as it seemed; but HUNTER had taken up + task for him, and would move Resolution. Of course the + Government would oppose it; if necessary, DE LISLE would assist + them with argument. In any case, they should have his vote. + Heard SOLICITOR-GENERAL with keen satisfaction. He showed not + only the undesirability and impossibility of acceding to + proposition, but denounced it as "absolutely childish." Mr. G. + followed; but Mr. G. said the same kind of things eleven years + ago, when he was Leader of triumphant party, and had been + defeated again and again. Of course same fate awaited him now. + Government had spoken through mouth of SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and + there was an end on't.</p> + + <p>Not quite. STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, unaccustomed participant in + debate, presented himself. Stood immediately behind OLD + MORALITY, by way of testifying to his unaltered loyalty. At + same time he suggested that, after all, would be as well to + humour BRADLAUGH and his friends, and strike out Resolution. + Then OLD MORALITY rose from side of SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and, + unmindful of that eminent Lawyer's irresistible argument and + uncompromising declaration, said, "on the whole," perhaps + NORTHCOTE was right, and so mote it be.</p> + + <p>The elect of Mid-Leicestershire gasped for air. Did his ears + deceive him, or was this the end of the famous BRADLAUGH + incidents? OLD MORALITY, in his cheerful way, suggested that, + as they were doing the thing, they had better do it + unanimously. General cheer approved. DE LISLE started to his + feet. One voice, at least, should be heard in protest against + this shameful surrender. Began in half-choked voice: evidently + struggling against some strange temptation; talked about the + Parnell Commission; accused House of legalising atheism, and + whitewashing treason; argued at length with Mr. G. on doctrine + of excess of jurisdiction. Observed, as he went on, to be + waving his hands as if repelling some object; turned his head + on one side as if he would fain escape apparition; House looked + on wonderingly. At length, with something like subdued sob, DE + LISLE gave way, and Members learned what had troubled him. It + was dear old <i>Mr. Dick's</i> complaint. Standing up to + present his Memorial against tergiversation of OLD MORALITY, DE + LISLE could not help dragging in head of CHARLES THE FIRST. "As + a Royalist," he said, "I should maintain that the House of + Commons exceeded its jurisdiction when it ordered King CHARLES + THE FIRST to be beheaded, but I never heard that it was + proposed, after the Restoration, to expunge the Resolution from + the books."</p> + + <p>Irreverent House went off into roars of laughter, amid which + <i>Mr. Dick</i>, more than ever bewildered, sat down, and + presently went out to ask <i>Miss Betsy Trottwood</i> why they + laughed.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Resolution of June, 1880, + declaring BRADLAUGH ineligible to sit, expunged from + journals.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—As OLD MORALITY finely says, "The + worm persistently incommoded by inconvenient attentions will + finally assume an aggressive attitude." So it has proved + to-night. SYDNEY GEDGE long been object of contumelious + attention. Members jeer at him when he rises; talk whilst he + orates; laugh when he is serious, are serious when he is + facetious. But the wounded worm has turned at last. SYDNEY has + struck. GEDGE has been goaded once too often.</p> + + <p>It was COURTNEY brought it about. Been six hours in Chair in + Committee on Tithes Bill; feeling faint and weary, glad to + refresh himself with sparkling conversation of Grand Young + GARDNER; GEDGE on his feet at moment in favourite oratorial + attitude; pulverising Amendment moved by GRAY; thought, as he + proceeded, he heard another voice. Could it be? Yes; it was + Chairman of Committees conversing with frivolous elderly young + man whilst he (S.G.) was debating the Tithes Bill! Should he + pass over this last indignity? No; honour of House must be + vindicated; lofty standard of debate must be maintained; the + higher the position of offender the more urgent his duty to + strike a blow. Was standing at the moment aligned with Chair; + paused in argument; faced about to the right and marched with + solemn steps to the end of Gangway, the Bench having been + desolated by his speech so far as it had gone.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/72-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72-2.png" + alt="In revolt." /></a>In revolt. + </div> + + <p>"Sir," he said, bending angry brows on Chairman, "I am + afraid my speech interrupted your conversation. Therefore I + have moved further away."</p> + + <p>That was all, but it was enough. HERBERT GARDNER slunk away, + COURTNEY hastily turned over pages of the Bill; hung down his + guilty head, and tried to look as if it were MILMAN who had + been engaged in conversation. Now MILMAN was asleep.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Level flow of Debate on Tithes + Bill interrupted by revolt of SYDNEY GEDGE.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Rather a disappointing evening from + Opposition point of view. In advance, was expected to be + brilliant field-night. Irish Administration to be attacked all + along line; necessity for new departure demonstrated. + SHAW-LEFEVRE led off with Resolution demanding establishment of + Courts of Arbitration. Large muster of Members. Mr. G. in his + place; expected to speak; but presently went off; others fell + away, and all the running made from Ministerial Benches. + SHAW-LEFEVRE roasted mercilessly. House roared at SAUNDERSON's + description of his going to interview SULTAN, and being shown + into stable to make acquaintance of SULTAN's horse. Prince + ARTHUR turned on unhappy man full blast of withering scorn. + Don't know whether SHAW-LEFEVRE felt it; some men rather be + kicked than not noticed at all; but Liberals felt they had been + drawn into ridiculous position, and murmured bad words. "What's + the use," they ask, "of winning Hartlepool out of doors, if + things are so managed that we are made ridiculous within?"</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—SHAW-LEFEVRE's Resolution on + Irish Land Question negatived by 213 Votes against 152.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Thermidor" up to Date.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Toned down for English Reception.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Last Act—On the road to the + Guillotine—Hero, instead of Heroine, about to be + executed—Heroine imploring Hero to sign + paper.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Heroine</i>. Attach but your signature, and you are + free!</p> + + <p><i>Hero</i> (<i>after reading document in a tone of + horror</i>). What, a vow to marry, with the prospect of a + breach of promise case to follow! Never! Death is preferable! + [<i>Exit to be guillotined. Curtain.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>AN ARTIST AND A WHISTLER.—M. COQUELIN has summoned M. + LISSAGARAY for having thrown a whistle at him on the night of + the <i>Thermidor</i> row. It is to be hoped that by this time + M. LISSAGARAY will have been made to pay for his whistle.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., February 7, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13074-h.htm or 13074-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/0/7/13074/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., February 7, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 1, 2004 [EBook #13074] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +February 7, 1891. + + + + +THE "MODEL HUSBAND" CONTEST. + +SCENE THE FIRST--_AT THE GALAHAD-GREENS'_. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ GALAHAD! + +_Mr. G.-G._ (_meekly_). My love? + +[Illustration] + +_Mrs. G.-G._ I see that the proprietors of _All Sorts_ are going to +follow the American example, and offer a prize of L20 to the wife +who makes out the best case for her husband as a Model. It's just as +well, perhaps, that you should know that I've made up my mind to enter +_you_! + +_Mr. G.-G._ (_gratified_). My dear CORNELIA! really, I'd no idea you +had such a-- + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Nonsense! The drawing-room carpet is a perfect disgrace, +and, as you can't, or won't, provide the money in any _other_ way, +why--Would you like to hear what I've said about you? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Well, if you're sure it wouldn't he troubling you too +much, I _should_, my dear. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Then sit where I can see you, and listen. (_She reads._) +"Irreproachable in all that pertains to morality"--(and it would +be a bad day indeed for you, GALAHAD, if I ever had cause to think +_otherwise_.')--"morality; scrupulously dainty and neat in his +person"--(ah, you may well blush, GALAHAD, but, fortunately, they +won't want me to _produce_ you!)--"he imports into our happy home the +delicate refinement of a _preux chevalier_ of the olden time." (Will +you kindly take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) "We rule +our little kingdom with a joint and equal sway, to which jealousy +and friction are alike unknown; he, considerate and indulgent to +my womanly weakness,"--(You need not stare at me in that perfectly +idiotic fashion!)--"I, looking to him for the wise and tender support +which has never yet been denied. The close and daily scrutiny of +many years has discovered"--(What are you shaking like _that_ +for?)--"discovered no single weakness; no taint or flaw of character; +no irritating trick of speech or habit." (How often have I told you +that I will _not_ have the handle of that paper-knife sucked? Put it +down; do!) "His conversation--sparkling but ever spiritual--renders +our modest meals veritable feasts of fancy and flows of soul ... +_Well_, GALAHAD? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Nothing, my dear; nothing. It struck me as well,--a trifle +_flowery_, that last passage, that's all! + +_Mrs. G.-G._ (_severely_). If I cannot expect to win the prize without +descending to floweriness, whose fault is _that_, I should like to +know? If you can't make sensible observations, you had better not +speak at all. (_Continuing_,) "Over and over again, gathering me in +his strong loving arms, and pressing fervent kisses upon my forehead, +he has cried, 'Why am I not a Monarch that so I could place a diadem +upon that brow? With such a Consort, am I not doubly crowned?'" Have +you anything to say to _that_, GALAHAD? + +_Mr. G.-G._ Only, my love, that I--I don't seem to remember having +made that particular remark. + +_Mrs. G.-G._ Then make it _now_. I'm sure I wish to be as accurate as +I _can_. [Mr. G.-G. _makes the remark--but without fervour._ + + +SCENE THE SECOND--_AT THE MONARCH-JONES'_. + +_Mr. M.-J._ Twenty quid would come in precious handy just now, after +all I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch that prize if I can--so +just you sit down, GRIZZLE, and write out what I tell you; do you +hear? + +_Mrs. M.-J._ (_timidly_). But, MONARCH, dear, would that be quite +_fair_? No, don't be angry, I didn't mean that--I'll write whatever +you please! + +_Mr. M.-J._ You'd _better_, that's all! Are you ready? I must screw +myself up another peg before I begin. (_He screws._) Now, then. +(_Stands over her and dictates._) "To the polished urbanity of a +perfect gentleman, he unites the kindly charity of a true Christian." +(Why the devil don't you learn to write decently, eh?) "Liberal, and +even lavish, in all his dealings, he is yet a stern foe to every +kind of excess"--(Hold on a bit, I must have another nip after +that)--"every kind of excess. Our married life is one long dream of +blissful contentment, in which each contends with the other in loving +self-sacrifice." (Haven't you corked all that down _yet_!) "Such +cares and anxieties as he has, he conceals from me with scrupulous +consideration as long as possible"--(Gad, I should be a fool +if I _didn't_!)--"while I am ever sure of finding in him a +patient and sympathetic listener to all my trifling worries and +difficulties."--(_Two_ f's in difficulties, you little fool--can't you +even _spell_?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, he has +rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly emotion, 'Oh, that +I were more worthy of such a pearl among women! With such a helpmate, +I am indeed to be envied!'" That _ought_ to do the trick. If I don't +romp in after that!--(_Observing that Mrs. M.-J.'s shoulders are +convulsed._) What the dooce are you giggling at _now_? + +_Mrs. M.-J._ I--I wasn't giggling, MONARCH dear, only-- + +_Mr. M.-J._ Only _what_? _Mrs. M.-J._ Only crying! + + +THE SEQUEL. + +"The Judges appointed by the spirited proprietors of _All Sorts_ +to decide the 'Model Husband Contest'--which was established on +lines similar to one recently inaugurated by one of our New York +contemporaries--have now issued their award. Two competitors have sent +in certificates which have been found equally deserving of the prize; +viz., Mrs. CORNELIA GALAHAD-GREEN, Graemair Villa, Peckham, and Mrs. +GRISELDA MONARCH-JONES, Aspen Lodge, Lordship Lane. The sum of Twenty +Pounds will consequently be divided between these two ladies, to +whom, with their respective spouses, we beg to tender our cordial +felicitations."--(_Extract from Daily Paper, some six months hence._) + + * * * * * + +CRUMMLES REDIVIVUS! + +[Illustration] + +For some months Society has been on the tip-toe of expectation with +regard to the new Tragedy by Mr. SHAKSPEARE SMITHSON, which is to +inaugurate the magnificent Theatre, built at a sumptuous and total +disregard of expense by Mr. DILEY PUFF, a lineal descendant of the +great PUFF family, by intermarriage with the more recent CRUMMLES's, +expressly for the performance of the genuine English Drama. A veil of +secrecy has, however, been drawn over all the arrangements connected +with the new production. One after another the Author, the Manager, +and the leading Actors were appealed to in vain. Finally, one of +Our Representatives taking his courage in both hands, brought it and +himself safely to the stage-door of the new theatre, and knocked. +After some hesitation he was admitted by an intelligent boy, who, +however, at first seemed indisposed to be drawn into conversation, +though he admitted he had been engaged for the responsible post +of call-boy at an inadequate salary. Our Representative managed to +interest the lad in the inspection of a numismatic representation of +Her Most Gracious Majesty, which he happened to have brought with him +on the back of half-a-crown, and with which Our Representative toyed, +holding it between the thumb and dexter finger of the right hand. We +give the result in Our Representative's own words:-- + +"Come this way," said the boy, on whom the sight of the coin seemed +to operate like some weird talisman, leading me to a remote part +of the stage, the floor of which had been tastefully littered with +orange-peel in a variety of patterns; "we shall be comfortabler." + +"Now tell me," I said, "about this new piece." + +"It's what they call a Tragedy," said the boy. + +"Ah!" I replied, "that is interesting; but I want to know about the +Author. What do you think of him?" + +"The horther? Oh my!" said the precocious lad, producing an apple from +his trousers' pocket, but his right eye still fixed on the talisman, +"'e don't count. Why we none of us pays no attention to 'im. Crikey, +you should 'a seen 'im come a cropper on his nut down them new steps. +But, look 'ere, Sir," he continued, more solemnly, "I'm a tellin' +yer secrets, I am; and if DILEY were to 'ear of it, I'd get a proper +jacketin'. Swear you won't peach." + +I gave the requisite pledge. "And that ere arf-crown?" he said. I +nodded assent to what was evidently in his mind. Then he resumed. +"It's a beautiful piece. The play, I mean," he explained; being +fearful lest I should consider him as over-eager for the coveted and +covenanted reward. "I'm sure o' that. The horther says so, and DILEY +says so, and Miss O'GRADY says so; she's got the 'eroine to play,--and +oh, don't she die in the lawst Act just proper, with pink light and +a couple o' angels to carry 'er up! Then there's Mr. KEANE 'ARRIS, 'e +touches 'em all up with 'is sword, 'places his back to the wall, and +defies the mob,' is what the book says. So you may take it from me, +it's fust-rate." + +I thanked my intelligent little friend for his information, and was +proceeding to put a further question about the music for this new +Drama, which, as everyone will soon know, is to be a real _chef +d'oeuvre_ of Sir HAUTHOR SUNNIVUN, when a step was heard approaching +across the stage--the deepest, by the way, in London--to where we were +talking. + +"That's 'im," said the boy, trembling. "'E's a noble-'earted master, +so kind and generous, but 'e 'ates deception, and it would be more +than my place is worth to let 'im catch me talking these 'ere dead +secrets to you. Give us the coin. I'm orf!" + +And, before I was able to carry out my portion of the contract, he was +gone. And in another moment--so was I. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BRUIN JUNIOR. + +"May this be my poison, if my Bear ever dances but to the very +genteelest of tunes, '_Water-parted_,' or '_The Minuet in Ariadne.'" +She Stoops to Conquer_. + +_Viceroy_ (_to Miss India, loquitur_). "DON'T BE ALARMED, MY DEAR! +THIS BEAR NEVER DANCES BUT TO THE VERY GENTEELEST OF TUNES!" + +Lord LANSDOWNE, _loquitur_:-- + + Be easy, my darling! He doesn't come snarling, + Or rearing, or hugging, this young Dancing Bear. + With you (and with pleasure) he'll tread a gay measure, + A captive of courtesy, under my care; + His chain is all golden. Your heart 'twill embolden, + And calm that dusk bosom which timidly shrinks. + Sincere hospitality is, in reality, + Safest of shackles;--just look at the links! + + Alarmists saw ruin in prospects of Bruin, + The Great Northern Bear, treading India's soil. + How bogies may blind us! On our side the Indus + They fancy friend Ursa spies nothing but spoil; + But Ursa's _invited_ to come, and delighted + To visit you, not as aggressor, but guest. + So welcome him brightly, and treat him politely. + And trip with him lightly, you'll find it far best, + + ATTA TROLL (HEINE tells us) "danced nobly." Pride swells us + To think our young guest is a true ATTA TROLL; + No Bugbear, though shaggy, a trifle breech-baggy, + And not altogether a dandyish doll; + No Afghan intrigue, dear, or shy Native league, dear, + Has brought Bruin's foot o'er our frontier to dance: + He comes freely, boldly--don't look on him coldly, + Or make him suspect there is _fear_ in your glance. + + Be sure that the Lion will still keep his eye on + All Bears and their dens, in the Tiger's behalf; + Meanwhile Ursa Minor eschews base design, or + Intrigue against _you_, dear. Lift eyes, love, and laugh! + I'll answer for Bruin, he shall not take _you_ in-- + The Bear's _bona fides_ nobody impugns; + He asks a kind glance, and your hand in a dance; and + He'll dance "to the very genteelest of tunes"!] + + * * * * * + +THE UP-TO-DATE CONVERSATIONIST. + +_He_ (_at the end of a turn_). I see there's been a row in Chili--what +do you think about it? + +_She_. I don't know the place--isn't it somewhere in America? + +_He_. I shouldn't be surprised if it were, but my geography's shaky. I +rather fancy it's somehow connected with pickles. + +_She_. Oh, then it's a mistake their quarrelling, as I suppose it will +be hard upon the poor, especially during the winter? + +_He_. Fancy that's the idea. Been to the Guelph Exhibition? + +_She_. Yes, and I think it's a pity they took the jewels out of GEORGE +THE FOURTH's Crown. I should like to have seen the Koh-i-Noor. + +_He_. But they wanted them for the one at the Tower, don't you know, +and as for the Koh-i-Noor, was _that_ invented in his time? + +_She_. Perhaps it wasn't. Stay, wasn't it discovered by Captain COOK, +or DRAKE, or somebody? + +_He_. I daresay. I have never looked the matter up. _A propos_, +One-pound Bank-notes are to be issued. + +_She_. Are they? I suppose they will be useful for change? + +_He_. Shouldn't be astonished, but don't pretend to know anything +about it. By the way, do you take much interest in the subjects we +have been discussing? + +_She_. Not the faintest. + +_He_. No more do I! [_Waltz continued._ + + * * * * * + +DEARNESS AND DEARTH. + +"Spanish onions are rising in price, though probably only +temporarily."--_Daily News_. + +I. + + Will it be long, then--long? + For the people watch and wait, + Till the strength of the onion makes them strong, + At only the normal rate. + And their eyes are dim with tears, + And ache with the need of sleep. + And watch till the lapse of the lapsing years + Shall make the onions cheap. + Cheap, my love, cheap! Sleep, my love, sleep! + Onions are dear, love, but sentiment's cheap! + + II. + + Listen! Is it a voice + Calling--again--again, + Or a fragrance to make my heart rejoice + From the sunlit land of Spain? + Listen, my own, my bride, + While the glad tears dew your cheek, + They are fried, my bride, by the sad sea tide + With a smell that can almost speak + Creep, my love, creep into the deep, + And sing to the fishes that onions are cheap. + + * * * * * + +THE PROPOSED ONE-POUND NOTES.--"Ne-Goschenable currency." + + * * * * * + +AN ELEGY ON A MAD DOG. + +(_AFTER GOLDSMITH, MORE OR LESS._) + + Good patriots all of every sort, + Give ear unto my song, + For if in substance it is short, + In moral it is strong. + + [Illustration] + + At Hawarden lived a Grand Old Man, + Of whom the world might say, + A wondrous lengthy race he ran, + And won it all the way. + + [Illustration] + + Some swore he'd veer to catch a vote; + Old age to flout one loathes, + But, if he never turned his coat, + He often changed his clothes. + + [Illustration] + + Hard by an Irish dog was found, + As many dogs there be, + Hibernian mongrel, puppy, hound, + And curs of low degree. + + This dog and man at first seemed friends, + But, when a pique began, + The dog, to gain his private ends, + Went mad, and bit the man! + + [Illustration] + + To see so strange and sad a sight + Quidnuncs and _gobemouches_ ran, + And swore the dog was rabid quite + To bite that Grand Old Man. + + [Illustration] + + The wound indeed seemed sore and sad + To every party eye, + And while they swore the dog was mad, + They swore the man must die. + + [Illustration] + + But marvels sometimes come to light + Rash prophets to belie. + The man seems healing of the bite, + The dog looks like to die! + + * * * * * + +Remarkable Conversion. + +"CANON TEIGNMOUTH SHORE proposes to convert the two Convocations." ... +that is startling without the context--"into one National Synod." But +two into one won't go. How will he manage it? Will those in the York +ship join the Canterbury, or _vice versa_? Or, quitting both ships, +will they land on common ground? "Who's for SHORE?" + + * * * * * + +PAR ABOUT PICTURES.--"_Over the Garden Wall_," seems to be the song +that Mr. G.S. ELGOOD sings at the Fine Art Society's Gallery. In the +course of his travels he has been over a good many garden walls. +At Wroxton, Compton Wynyates, Penshurst, Montacute, Berkeley, and +Helmingham, he has pursued his studies to some purpose; the result +is an enjoyable collection of pictures, which he entitles, "A Summer +among the Flowers." + + * * * * * + +BRUSTLES' BISHOP. + +(_BY A MUDDLED MORALIST._) + +CHAPTER I. + +BEN BRUSTLES was only a poor shoeblack-boy who cleaned boots--ay, and +even shoes, for his daily bread. Such time as he could spare from his +avocation he devoted to diligent study of the doctrine of chance, as +exemplified in the practice of pitch-and-toss. Often and often, after +pitching and tossing in the cold wet streets for long weary hours, +he would return home without a halfpenny. Think of this, ye more +fortunate youths, who sit at home at ease, and play Loto for nuts! But +through all his vicissitudes, BEN kept a stout heart, never losing his +conviction that something--he knew not what--would eventually turn up. +Sometimes it was heads, at others tails: and in either case the poor +boy lost money by it--but he persevered notwithstanding, confident +that Fortune would favour him at last. It is this spirit of undaunted +enterprise that has made our England what it is! + +[Illustration: Brustles Blacking.] + +And one day Fortune did favour him. He observed, as he knelt before +his box, a portly and venerable person close by, who was engrossed +in studying, with apparent complacency, his own reflection in a +plate-glass shop-front. So naive a display of personal vanity, in +one whose dress and demeanour denoted him a Bishop, not unnaturally +excited BENJAMIN's interest, nor was this lessened when the stranger, +after shaking his head reproachfully at his reflected image, advanced +to the shoe-black's box as if in obedience to a sudden impulse. + +"My lad," he said, with a certain calm dignity, "will you be so good +as to black both my legs for me--at once?" + +This unusual request, conceived as it was on a larger scale than the +orders he habitually received, startled the youth, particularly as +he noted that the symmetrical and well-turned limb which the Bishop +extended consisted, like its fellow, of a rare and costly species of +mahogany, and shone with the rich and glossy hue of a newly-fallen +horse-chestnut, "I see," commented the Bishop, with a melancholy +smile, "that you have already discovered that my lower members are +the product--not of Nature, but of Art. It was not always thus with +me--but in my younger days I was an ardent climber--indeed, I am still +an Honorary Member of the Hampstead Heath Alpine Club. Many years +since, whilst scaling Primrose Hill, I was compelled, by a sudden +storm, to take refuge in a half-way hut, where I passed the night, +exposed to all the rigours of an English Midsummer! When I awoke +I found, to my surprise, that both my legs had been bitten by the +relentless frost short off immediately below the knee, and I had to +continue the ascent next day in a basket. On descending, I caused +these substitutes to be fashioned, and on them I stumped my way to +the exalted position I now fill, nor have I ever evinced any physical +inconveniences from my misfortune, save in one particular--that it +has rendered the assumption of gaiters unhappily out of the question! +But, possibly, my wish to have these legs of mine disguised by your +pigments, strikes you as bizarre, if not positively eccentric? You +will better understand my reasons after you have heard a confession +which, though necessary, is, believe me, painful to make." And the +good old man, after a short internal struggle, began the following +narrative, which we reserve for a succeeding chapter. + + +CHAPTER II. + +"Even as a Curate, a certain harmless vanity was ever my besetting +weakness. I might, indeed, have hoped that, after my accident--but +see, my good lad, how pride may lurk, even in our very infirmities! +These artificial limbs have become a yet subtler snare to me than +even those they replaced. I had them constructed, as you see, of +the best mahogany--to match the furniture in my dining-room. With +ever-increasing pleasure, my eyes have gloried in their grain and +gloss, in the symmetry of their curves, in the more than Chinese +delicacy of their extremities, until gradually they have trampled upon +my better self, they have run away with all my possibilities of moral +usefulness! Yes, but this very moment, as I stood admiring their +contour at yonder window, the pernicious thought crossed my mind that +their appearance would be yet more enhanced if I had them _gilded_!" + +"But, your reverent Lordship," objected BRUSTLES, as the Bishop +paused, overcome by humiliation, "it's no use coming to _me_ for that +'ere job!" For, though but a poor boy, he was too honest to accept any +commission under false pretences. Gilding, he knew, might--and, in a +London atmosphere, soon would--become black, but no boot-polish would +ever assume the appearance, even of the blackest gilt, and so he +candidly explained to the Bishop. + +"I know, my boy," said the latter, patting BEN's head kindly with the +handle of his umbrella, "I know. Hence my application to your skill. +That presumptuous idea revealed as in a lightning flash the abyss on +the brink of which I stood. This demon of perverse pride must be +laid; humbled for ever. So ply your brushes, and see you spare not the +blacking!" + + +CHAPTER III. + +BRUSTLES obeyed--not without awe, and in a short space of time two +pots of blacking were exhausted, and the roseate glow of the Bishop's +mahogany limbs was for ever hidden under a layer of more than Nubian +ebony! + +"'Selp me, your lordly reverence," he cried, dazzled by the brilliancy +of the result; "but you might be took, below, for a Lifeguardsman!" + +[Illustration: Bilked by a Bishop.] + +"Hush," said the Bishop, though with a gratification he could not +restrain, "would you recall the demon I strove to exorcise! It is +true that the change is less of a disfigurement than I feared--ahem, +_hoped_--but after all, may not the wish to please the eye of man be +excusable? You shall receive a rich reward. Do you happen to have such +a thing as change for a five-pound note about you?" + +"Alas!" replied the lad, with ready presence of mind, "but I have only +just paid all my gold into my bank for the day!" + +"No matter," said the Bishop, gently. "I find I have a threepenny +bit, after all. It is yours!" And the good ecclesiastic, as if to +avoid thanks, moved nimbly off, though his eyes still sought the +shop-windows as he passed, with even greater complacency than before. + +BEN tested the threepenny bit between his teeth--it was a spurious +coin; he looked up, but his late customer was already passed out of +hearing of his sentiments. He sank down with his head laid amongst +his pots and brushes. "Bilked!" he moaned piteously, "bilked--and by a +blooming Bishop!" + + +CHAPTER IV. + +But mark the sequel. The good Bishop had been quite ignorant that the +threepenny bit was a pewter one; quite sincere, for the time, in his +determination to subdue his own weakness. Still it was not to be: +inbred pride is not so easily vanquished--even by Bishops! The Bishop +learned to glory in his blacking far more than he had ever done in the +original mahogany. He had it continually renewed, and with the most +expensive compositions. He would bend enraptured over the burnished +surfaces of his extended legs, gazing, like another Narcissus, at the +features he saw so faithfully repeated. + +Meanwhile the threepence, base as it was, became the humble instrument +of brighter fortunes to BRUSTLES; it showed a marvellous aptitude +for turning up tails, which BEN no sooner perceived than he availed +himself of a blessing that had, indeed, come to him in disguise! + +But the Bishop--what of him? Nemesis overtook him at last. The +discontent long smouldering in his diocese broke out into a climax. +Thousands of Curates, inflamed by professional agitators, went out on +strike, and their first victim was the Bishop of TIMBERTOWS, who was +discovered prostrate one dark night by his horrified Chaplain. He had +been picketed as a Blackleg! + +THE END. + + (_Copies of the above may be obtained for distribution, at + very reasonable terms, on application to the Author._) + + * * * * * + +PLAYTIME FOR A DOLL'S HOUSE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--According to a well-known Critic, writing of a +morning performance of _The Doll's House_ on Tuesday, the 27th ult., +at Terry's Theatre, "There is no need to discuss IBSEN's piece any +more." I will go a little further, and say, not only should the play +be spared discussion, but also performance. All that could be done for +this miserable drama (if a work utterly devoid of dramatic interest +can be so entitled) was effected some years since, when _Breaking a +Butterfly_, a version with Messrs. HERMAN and JONES as adapters, was +played at the Prince's (now Prince of Wales's) Theatre. I believe some +one or other has said that that version was misleading, because it +modified IBSEN, and did not reveal him in his true colours. This I can +readily believe, as my recollection of _Breaking a Butterfly_ merely +suggests boredom; whereas, when I consider _The Doll's House_ of +Tuesday, I distinctly mingle with boredom a recollection of something +that caused a feeling of absolute loathing. That something, I imagine, +must be the new matter which was absent from the first version, and +crops up in the text of the second, which, according to the Play-bill, +appears "in Vol. I. of the authorised edition of IBSEN's Prose Dramas, +edited by WILLIAM ARCHER, and published by Mr. WALTER SCOTT." By +the way, I must confess that, although the name of the Editor is +not familiar to me as a dramatic author, his superintendence of the +authorised text seems to have been performed sufficiently creditably +to have rendered him as worthy of an honourable prefix as the +publisher. Why omit the "Mr."? Now I come to think of it, there is +an Englishman, not unconnected with dramatic literature, who is known +nowadays as WILLIAM, without the prefix of Mister, but in his own time +he was known as Master WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, and Master he remains. +"But this," as Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, "is quite another +WILLIAM." + +[Illustration: Fancy Picture of Hanwellian Admirer of the Ibsenesque +Drama thoroughly enjoying himself.] + +I have not the original for reference handy, but the version played +at Terry's Theatre bears internal evidence of a close translation. An +adapter, I fancy, with a free hand would scarcely have made one of the +characters use the same exit speech on two occasions. _Nils Krogstad_ +does this. He can think of nothing better than, "If I am flung into +the gutter, you shall accompany me," repeated twice with the slight +variation, "If I am flung into the gutter for the second time, you +shall accompany me," used for the last exit. Again, _Torvald Helmer_ +has a long monologue in the final Act that a practised playwright +would have "broken up" with the assistance of a portrait, or a letter, +or something. From this it would appear that the Editor, WILLIAM +ARCHER (without the "Mr.") has very faithfully produced the exact +translation of the original. To be hypercritical, I might suggest +that perhaps occasionally the version is rather _too_ literal. For +instance, _Torvald Helmer_, although he is cursed with one of the most +offensive wives known to creation, would scarcely call her "a little +lark," which conveys the impression that he is a "gay dog," and +one given to the traditional ways of that species of ultra-sociable +animals. I have confessed I have not the original before me, so I +cannot say whether the title used by IBSEN is "_Smalle Larke_," but +I fancy that a "capering capercailzie," if not actually his _words_, +would be nearer his _meaning_. A capercailzie is, according to the +dictionaries, a bird of "a delicious flavour" and partially "green;" +it is also found in Norway "very fine and large," as IBSEN might say. +Surely _Torvald_ would have thus described his semi-verdant _Nora_, +finding her distinctly to his taste. + +Returning to what I venture to imagine must be "new matter" not in the +Herman-_plus_-Jonesian version, I consider the scene in which _Nora_ +chaffs _Dr. Rank_ about his illness absolutely nauseous, and the +drink-inspired admiration of husband for wife in the concluding Act +repulsive to the last degree. On Tuesday the spectators received the +piece with patient apathy; and, this being the case, I could not help +feeling that anyone who could single out such a play as suitable for +performance before an English audience, could scarcely possess the +acumen generally considered a necessary adjunct to the qualifications +of an efficient Dramatic Critic. The hero, the heroine, the doctor, +as prigs, could only appeal to prigs, and thank goodness the average +London theatre-goer is the reverse of a prig. There was but one +redeeming point in the play--its conclusion. It ends happily in +_Nora_, forger, liar, and--hem--wedded flirt, being separated from her +innocent children. + +For the rest, the piece was fairly well acted. But when the Curtain +had fallen for the last time, and the audience were departing more in +sadness than in anger, I could not help asking myself the question, +Had the advantages obtained in witnessing the performance balanced +the expense incurred in securing a seat? I am forced to reply in the +negative, as I sign myself regretfully, + +ONE WHO PAID FOR A PLACE IN THE PIT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +I see three ladies in a drawing-room, each with a green volume. "What +is it?" No, they won't hear. Each one is intent on her volume, and an +irritable answer, in a don't bother kind of manner, is all that I can +obtain. The novel is Miss BRADDON's latest, _One Life, One Love_ (but +three volumes, for all that), in which they are absorbed. Later on, +at intervals, I get the volumes, and, raven-like, secrete them. I can +quite understand the absorption of my young friends. Marvellous, Miss +BRADDON! Very few have approached you in sensation-writing, and none +in keeping up sensationalism as fresh as ever it was when first I +sat up at night nervously to read _Aurora Floyd_, and _Lady Audley's +Secret_. In this bad time of year (I am writing when the snow is +without, and the North-East wind is engaged in cutting leaves), the +Baron recommends remaining indoors with this Three-volume Novel as +a between lunch and dinner companion, only don't take it up to your +bed-room, and sit over the fire with it, or--but there, I won't +mention the consequences. Keep it till daylight doth appear. The +Baron being a busy man--no, Sir, not a busy-body,--is grateful to the +authors of good short stories in Magazines. Many others agree with the +Baron, who wishes to recommend "Saint or Satan" in _The Argosy_; +The story of an "Old Beau," which might have been advantageously +abbreviated in _Scribner_; an odd tale entitled, "The Phantom +Portrait," in the _Cornhill_; which leaves the reader in doubt as to +whether he has been egregiously "sold" or not; and, above all, the +short and interesting--too short and most interesting--paper on +THACKERAY, in _Harper's Monthly_, with fac-similes of some of the +great humorist's most eccentric and most spirited illustrations, +conceived in the broadly burlesquing spirit that was characteristic +of GILRAY and ROWLANDSON. THACKERAY, philosopher and satirist, who +can take us behind the scenes of every show in _Vanity fair_, who +can depict the career of the scoundrel _Barry Lyndon_, of the +heathen _Becky Sharp_, and the death-bed of the Christian soldier and +gentleman, _dignissimus, Colonel Newcome_, could on occasion, and when +a rollicking spirit moved him, put on a pantomime mask (have we not +his own pathetic vignette representing him doing this?) to amuse the +children, or give us some rare burlesque writing and drawing to set us +all on the broad grin. The Baron trusts that Mrs. RITCHIE will give +us more of this, and sincerely hopes that there may be a "lot more" +caricatures in that portfolio "where these came from." I heartily +thank you for so much, and respectfully ask for more, says yours, very +gratefully, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + + Strong man and strenuous fighter, stricken down + Just when foes owned thee neither knave nor clown! + The fiercest of them, time-taught, need not fear + To drop a blossom now on BRADLAUGH's bier. + + * * * * * + +ARTHUR AND COMPOSER.--Saturday, January 31.--First night of SULLIVAN's +_Ivanhoe_ in D'OYLEY CARTE's new Theatre. Full inside, all right. +Sir ARTHUR's success. We congratulate him Arthurly, CARTE called +before horse,--should say before Curtain, but t'other came so +naturally,--looked pale,--quite _carte blanche_; but, like SULLIVAN's +music, composed. Could get a CARTE, but no cab. Gallant gentlemen and +delicate ladies braving rain and slosh. More in our next, but for the +present ... (_Paroxysm of sneezing_). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. AN ICE PICTURE. + +_Fair Damsel_. "WHAT A LOT OF HOLIDAYS YOU SEEM TO GET, MR. MINIVER!" + +_Pet Curate_. "WELL, YES. I KEEP A RECTOR, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT DO _YOU_ THINK? + + (_A Song of the Session, as sung by that Eminent and Evergreen + Lion Comique_, "JOLLY GLAD" _at the St. Stephen's Hall of + Varieties, Westminster_.) + +JOLLY GLAD, _sings_:-- + + With a flower in my coat, + With a keen eye for a vote, + And a sense the things to note, + Buff and Blue think, + With fond millions to admire, + A last triumph to desire,-- + Am I going to _Retire_?-- + What do _you_ think? + Oh, I know the quidnuncs vapour, + And that _Tadpole_, yes, and _Taper_, + Tell in many a twaddling paper, + What the few think; + But _they_ cater for the classes, + Whilst _I'm_ champion of the masses, + Fly before such braying asses?-- + What do _you_ think? + Wish is father to their thought, + Their wild hope with fear is fraught. + They are not _au fait_ to aught + Liberals true think. + They imagine "Mr. Fox" + Has delivered such hard knocks + That _impasse_ my pathway blocks!-- + What do _you_ think? + Just inspect me, if you please! + Is my pose not marked by ease? + _Am_ I going at the knees, + Like a "screw" Think! + Pooh! The part of Sisyphus + Suits me well. Why make a fuss? + Eh? Retire,--and leave things thus? + What do _you_ think? + On the--say the Lyric Stage-- + For some years I've been the rage, + And some histrios touched by age + Of Adieu think. + But I'm like that "Awful Dad," + Though this makes my rivals mad, + Don't true Gladdyites feel glad? + What do you think? + I'm a genuine Evergreen; + It is that excites their spleen + Who my lingering on the scene + A great "do" think. + I regret, _so_ much, to tease them! + My last exit would much ease them. + But Retire!--and just to please them! + What do _you_ think? + + [_Winks and walks round._ + + * * * * * + +A DREAMY MADNESS. + + The other night I went to bed,-- + It may seem strange, but still I did it,-- + And laid to rest my weary head + So that the bed-clothes nearly hid it; + Which was perhaps the reason why + My brain throughout the night was teeming + With truly wondrous sights, and I + Was wholly given o'er to dreaming. + + 'Twas on the Twenty-first of May, + The streets were filled to overflowing, + The streets, that in a curious way + Were clean although it kept on snowing. + The daily papers for a change + Came out each day without a leader, + But, what was surely rather strange, + They didn't lose a single reader! + + I saw a Bishop in a tram, + Although he knew it was a Sunday; + The lion lay down with the lamb, + And CLEMENT SCOTT with SYDNEY GRUNDY. + Professor HUXLEY said, "In truth + I'm really sick to death of rows," and + Wrote there and then to General BOOTH + To put his name down for a thousand. + + I heard that Mr. PARNELL wrote + (Much to McCARTHY's jubilation) + A very kind and civil note, + In which he sent his resignation; + Whilst ANDREW LANG with weary air + Professed himself completely staggered + To think how anyone could care + To read a line of RIDER HAGGARD. + + The House of Commons talked about + The case of Mr. BRADLAUGH--whether + The Motion which has kept him out + Should now be struck out altogether; + And OLD MORALITY arose + To say they felt no ancient _animus_, + And when they voted, why of Noes + There wasn't one--they were _unanimous_! + + * * * * * + + I started up, no more to sleep, + The dream somehow had seemed to spoil it, + Nor did it take me long to leap + Out of my bed and make my toilet. + I went down-stairs, and with surprise + I thought of those my dream had slandered, + And there, before my very eyes, + _I saw it printed in the_ STANDARD! + + I wish I hadn't gone to bed. + I can't imagine why I did it. + Nor why I laid my weary head + So that the clothes completely hid it. + Although I think that must be why + My brain has ever since been teeming; + But tell me (if you can) am I + At present mad, or _was_ I dreaming? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "RETIRE!--WHAT DO _YOU_ THINK?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE STOPPING OR REMOVAL OF A "GRINDER." + +A SKETCH IN THE STREETS.] + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON, the new indestructible cloth. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON is a stubborn and inflexible material. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON is made, by a new process, from blockwood and +paving-stones. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON, used for gentlemen's coats, will not only keep out +rain and wind, but thunder and lightning. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON never breaks or bends, but only bursts. + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON.--A "PURCHASER" writes--"I sat down in a pair of your +trousers, but could never get up again." + + * * * * * + +LITHONODENDRIKON.--Another "CUSTOMER" says--"The dress-coat you +supplied me with fitted me well. I could not take it off without +having recourse to a sledge-hammer." + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply the cheapest and worst in the market. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, hand-picked by the Duke himself, on whose +property the mines are situated. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, carefully selected, screened and delivered +(in the dark), anywhere within a ten-mile radius of Charing Cross at +9s. 6_d_, a ton, for cash on delivery. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply a wonderful article at the price. +Throws down a heavy brown ash. No flame, no heat. Frequently explodes, +scattering the contents of the grate over the largest room. + + * * * * * + +UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY beg to refer intending purchasers to the +accompanying testimonial: "Gentlemen,--Do what I will, I cannot +get your coals to light. Put on in sufficient quantity they will +extinguish any fire. I have worn out three drawing-room pokers in my +endeavours to stir them into a flame, but all to no purpose. Steeped +in petroleum, they might possibly ignite in a double-draught furnace, +though I fancy they would put it out. They are as you advertise them, +a 'show coal for summer use.' Don't send me any more." + + * * * * * + +CHARLIE AND SARAH. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Why should ARISTOTLE be the only author whose works +get discovered? I found the following story, written on papyrus, and +enclosed in a copper cylinder, in my back garden, and I am positive +that it is not ARISTOTLE. Can it possibly have been written by that +amiable and instructive authoress whose stories for children have +recently been reprinted? Yours, &c., HENRY ST. OTLE. + +CHARLIE was a very obedient little boy, and his sister SARAH was +a good, patient little girl. One beautiful summer's day they went +to stay for a week with their Uncle WILLIAM, a man of very high +principles, who was not quite used to the proper method with children. +On the evening of their arrival, as they were seated in front of the +fire, CHARLIE lifted up his bright, obedient, beautiful face, and +said, thoughtfully: + +"Pray, Uncle WILLIAM, cannot we have one of those instructive and +amusing conversations such as children love, about refraction, and +relativity, and initial velocity, and Mesopotamia generally?" + +"Oh, yes, Uncle WILLIAM!" said SARAH, pausing to wipe her patient +little nose; "Our dear Papa is always so pleasant and polysyllabic on +these subjects." + +Then Uncle WILLIAM regretted that he had paid less attention in his +youth to the shilling science primers, but he pulled himself together +and determined to do his best. "Certainly, my dear children, nothing +could please me more. Now here I have a jug and a glass. You will +observe that I pour some water from the jug into the glass. This +illustrates one of the properties of water. Can you tell me what I +mean?" + +"Fluidity!" said both the children, with enthusiasm. + +"Yes, quite so, and--er--er--has a brick fluidity?" + +"Why, no, Uncle WILLIAM!" + +"Well--er--_why_ hasn't it?" asked Uncle WILLIAM, with something +almost like desperation in his voice. + +"That, Uncle," said the obedient CHARLIE, "is one of the things which +we should like to learn from you to-night." + +"Yes, we shall come to that; but, in order to make you understand it +better, I must carry my experiment a little further. In this decanter +I have what is called whiskey. I pour some of it into the water. +Now it is more usual to put the whiskey in first, and the water +afterwards. Can you tell me why that is so? Think it out for +yourselves." And Uncle WILLIAM smiled genially. + +There was silence for a few moments. Then little SARAH said, timidly: +"I think it must be because, when a man wishes to drink, whiskey is +the first thing which naturally occurs to his mind. He does not think +about water until afterwards." + +"Quite right. That is the explanation of the scientists. And why do +you think I put in the water first and the whiskey afterwards?" + +"It was," said CHARLIE, brightly, "in order that we might not see so +exactly how much whiskey you took." + +"No, that's quite wrong. I did it out of sheer originality. Now what +would happen if I drank this curious mixture?" + +"You would be breaking the pledge, Uncle WILLIAM," said both children, +promptly and heartily. + +"Wrong again. I should be acting under doctor's orders." + +"Why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, patiently. + +"Don't interrupt, my dear child. We're coming to that. Now, CHARLIE, +when you eat or drink anything, where does it go?" + +"It goes into my little--oh, no, Uncle, I cannot say that word," +and CHARLIE, who was of a singularly modest and refined disposition, +buried his face in his hands, and blushed deeply. + +"Admirable!" exclaimed Uncle WILLIAM. "One cannot be too refined. Call +it the blank. It goes into your blank. Well, whiskey raises the tone +of the blank. Just as, when you screw up the peg of a violin, you +raise the tone of the string. By drinking this I raise the tone of my +blank." He suited the action to the word. + +"Now you'll be screwed," said CHARLIE, "like the pegs of the--" + +"On one glass of weak whiskey-and-water--never!" + +"But why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked SARAH, quite patiently. + +"First of all, listen to this. That whiskey-and-water is now inside +me. I want you to understand what _inside_ means. Go and stand in the +passage, and shut the door of this room after you." + +"But, Uncle," said SARAH, patiently, "why hasn't a brick any--" + +"Hush, SARAH, hush!" said the obedient CHARLIE. "It is our duty to +obey Uncle WILLIAM in all things." + +So the two children went out of the room, and shut the door after +them. Uncle WILLIAM went to the door, and locked it. + +"Now then," he said, cheerily, "I am inside. And where are you?" + +"Outside." + +"Yes--and outside you'll stop. One of the servants will put you to +bed." And Uncle WILLIAM went back to the decanter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER SCENE FROM THE PANTOMIME AT ST. STEPHEN'S. + +_The Illuminated Doorway. Brilliant effect lately introduced into the +House of Commons._] + + * * * * * + +A DEAD FROST. + + When I saw you on "a January morning," + With a very little pair of skates indeed, + And the frosty glow your fairy face adorning, + I was suddenly from other passions freed. + And the year at its imperial beginning + Showed the woman who alone was worth the winning; + Though the growing flame awhile I tried to smother + Like a brother; + And that's a very common phase indeed, + As we read. + + My hat and stick I suddenly found fleeting, + And they whistled o'er the surface, smooth and black, + And the ice, with an unwonted warmth of greeting, + Slapt me suddenly and hard upon the back. + I didn't mind your laughing, if the laughter + Had left no sting of scorn to rankle after. + Though I'd joyously have flung myself before you + To adore you, + Still to sit with all one's might upon the ice + Isn't nice. + + When I met you in the lordly local ball-room, + Where you queen'd it, the suburban world's desire, + Though your programme for my name had left but small room, + I somehow snatched five valses from the fire. + And I did stout supper-service for your mother, + While you wove the self-same spells o'er many another, + And I said, no doubt, the sort of things that they did, + In the shaded + Little nook beneath the palms upon the stair, + To my fair. + + But I noticed, as I learned to know you better, + And you ceased to wile the victim at your feet, + There was very little silk about the fetter, + And 'twere flattery to say your sway was sweet: + Nay, you made the light and airy shrine of beauty + A centre for the most exacting duty, + And the fealty of the family undoubting + Met with flouting, + As a tribute which was nothing but your due, + As they knew. + + Your Papa is getting elderly and bulky, + And he loves you as the apple of his eye, + Yet very little things will make you sulky, + And to meet his little ways you never try. + And I see him look a trifle hurt and puzzled, + And his love for you is often check'd and muzzled; + Yet I think, upon the whole, that I would rather + Be your father, + Than the lover you could torture at your ease, + If you please. + + * * * * * + +STRANGE, BUT TRUE. + +Sir,--Under the heading of "Ecclesiastical Intelligence" in the +_Times_ of Saturday, I read that, "The LORD CHANCELLOR has preferred +the Rev. W.R. WELCH, of Hull, to the Vicarage of Withernwick, East +Yorkshire," I presume the LORD CHANCELLOR knows both the gentleman +and the place thoroughly, and so wisely elects which he prefers; but +to one who, like myself and thousands of others, know neither, it +strikes me that I would certainly prefer the place to the parson, +however worthy. It is, indeed, gratifying to see that the Highest +Representative of Law and Order in the realm, after HER GRACIOUS +MAJESTY, is so utterly uninfluenced by any mercenary motives. I send +this by Private Post, an old soldier, and am yours enthusiastically, + +NOODLE DE NOODLE. + +_The Retreat, Hanwell-on-Sea._ + + * * * * * + +"BETTER LATE THAN NEVER."--Two Jurymen, says a paragraph in last +Saturday's _Times_, wrote to the Solicitor acting for a female +prisoner, one CUTLER, who had been convicted of perjury and sentenced +at Chester, to say that they "gave in to a verdict of Guilty because +it was very late, and one gentleman had an important business +engagement at home." This recalls the line, "And wretches hang that +Jurymen may dine." The remainder of ELLEN CUTLER's sentence of five +years' penal servitude is remitted. It is satisfactory to know that +these two had the courage of their opinions before it was too late. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SYMPATHETIC EGOISM OF GENIUS. + +(_A Study._) + +"DON'T RUN AWAY YET, OLD MAN! IT'S QUITE EARLY, AND I WANT TO HEAR ALL +ABOUT YOUR ACADEMY PICTURE, WHICH I'M TOLD IS SPLENDID." + + [_Proceeds to describe his_ own _at great length, and then + suddenly finds out how late it is, and bolts!_] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, Jan. 26._--PLUNKET undoubtedly the most +successful Commissioner of Works of recent times. A little coolness +sprung up between him and CAVENDISH BENTINCK about those staircases +in Westminster Hall. But _chacun a son_ idea of a staircase. PLUNKET +quite as likely to be right as C.B. Always doing something to improve +arrangements of House. Does it quietly, too; Members know nothing +about it till they come down and find new Smoking-room, fresh +arrangements of lights, new rooms for Ministers, and occasionally a +priceless old table adorning Tea-room. Various accounts of its origin. +Some say Magna Charta signed on it. Others fixing earlier date and +attracted by the initials "W.R." clearly carved on left leg, affirm +that it is the very table on which WILLIAM REX took his five o'clock +tea after Battle of Hastings. + +[Illustration: "Dear me!"] + +Latest surprise prepared by First Commissioner is illumination of +entrance to House from Lobby, cunningly effected by electric lights +set within recesses of arch. SCHNAD-HORST, revisiting House after +long interval, astonished at this. "Making things very comfortable in +anticipation of our coming in," he says, smiling sweetly. + +Later came upon NICHOLAS WOODS; found him standing in attitude of +patient and intelligent expectation. "What are you waiting there for?" +I asked. "Why don't you come in and hear SWINBURNE make one or two +speeches on Tithes Bill?" + +"Well--er--fact is," said NICHOLAS, steadfastly keeping his eyes +on archway, "WILFRID LAWSON told me that if I was here about eleven +o'clock I would see PLUNKET and the ATTORNEY-GENERAL come out under +the archway dancing a _pas de deux_. Couldn't make out when I arrived +what the illumination was for; asked LAWSON. 'Oh' says he, 'it's the +First Commissioner's reminiscence of one of the alcoves at Vauxhall +Gardens.' Then he told me about PLUNKET and WEBSTER. Thought I'd like +to see it. Do you think it's all right?" + +"Well," I said, "ALBERT ROLLIT _did_ tell me something about +ATTORNEY-GENERAL going on the Spree. But that was in Germany, and he +had his skates with him. Don't know how it'll be here. You mustn't +forget that WILFRID's something of a wag. Wouldn't advise you to wait +much after eleven o'clock." + +House engaged all night on Tithes Bill. Not particularly lively. +Towards midnight TANNER, preternaturally quiet since House met, +suddenly woke up, and, _a propos de bottes_, moved to report progress. +COURTNEY down on him like cartload of bricks; declined to put Motion, +declaring it abuse of forms of House. This rather depressing. In good +old times there would have been an outburst of indignation in Irish +camp; Chairman's ruling challenged, and squabble agreeably occupied +rest of evening. But times changed. No Irish present to back TANNER, +who, with despairing look round, subsided, and business went forward +without further check. + +_Business done_.--Tithes Bill in Committee. + +[Illustration: Exit!] + +_Tuesday_.--Mr. DICK DE LISLE came down to House to-night full of high +resolve. Hadn't yet been a Member of House when it shook from time +to time with the roar of controversy round BRADLAUGH, his oath, his +affirmation, and his stylographic pen. At that time was in Singapore, +helping Sir FREDERICK WELD to govern the Straits Settlement. But had +watched controversy closely, and had contributed to its settlement by +writing a luminous treatise, entitled, _The Parliamentary Oath_. Now, +by chance, the question cropped up again. BRADLAUGH had secured first +place on to-night's order for his Motion rescinding famous Resolution +of June, 1880, declaring him ineligible to take his seat. BRADLAUGH +ill in bed; sick unto death, as it seemed; but HUNTER had taken up +task for him, and would move Resolution. Of course the Government +would oppose it; if necessary, DE LISLE would assist them +with argument. In any case, they should have his vote. Heard +SOLICITOR-GENERAL with keen satisfaction. He showed not only the +undesirability and impossibility of acceding to proposition, but +denounced it as "absolutely childish." Mr. G. followed; but Mr. G. +said the same kind of things eleven years ago, when he was Leader of +triumphant party, and had been defeated again and again. Of course +same fate awaited him now. Government had spoken through mouth of +SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and there was an end on't. + +Not quite. STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, unaccustomed participant in debate, +presented himself. Stood immediately behind OLD MORALITY, by way of +testifying to his unaltered loyalty. At same time he suggested that, +after all, would be as well to humour BRADLAUGH and his friends, +and strike out Resolution. Then OLD MORALITY rose from side +of SOLICITOR-GENERAL, and, unmindful of that eminent Lawyer's +irresistible argument and uncompromising declaration, said, "on the +whole," perhaps NORTHCOTE was right, and so mote it be. + +The elect of Mid-Leicestershire gasped for air. Did his ears deceive +him, or was this the end of the famous BRADLAUGH incidents? OLD +MORALITY, in his cheerful way, suggested that, as they were doing the +thing, they had better do it unanimously. General cheer approved. DE +LISLE started to his feet. One voice, at least, should be heard in +protest against this shameful surrender. Began in half-choked voice: +evidently struggling against some strange temptation; talked about +the Parnell Commission; accused House of legalising atheism, and +whitewashing treason; argued at length with Mr. G. on doctrine of +excess of jurisdiction. Observed, as he went on, to be waving his +hands as if repelling some object; turned his head on one side as +if he would fain escape apparition; House looked on wonderingly. +At length, with something like subdued sob, DE LISLE gave way, and +Members learned what had troubled him. It was dear old _Mr. Dick's_ +complaint. Standing up to present his Memorial against tergiversation +of OLD MORALITY, DE LISLE could not help dragging in head of CHARLES +THE FIRST. "As a Royalist," he said, "I should maintain that the House +of Commons exceeded its jurisdiction when it ordered King CHARLES THE +FIRST to be beheaded, but I never heard that it was proposed, after +the Restoration, to expunge the Resolution from the books." + +Irreverent House went off into roars of laughter, amid which _Mr. +Dick_, more than ever bewildered, sat down, and presently went out +to ask _Miss Betsy Trottwood_ why they laughed. + +_Business done_.--Resolution of June, 1880, declaring BRADLAUGH +ineligible to sit, expunged from journals. + +_Thursday_.--As OLD MORALITY finely says, "The worm persistently +incommoded by inconvenient attentions will finally assume an +aggressive attitude." So it has proved to-night. SYDNEY GEDGE long +been object of contumelious attention. Members jeer at him when he +rises; talk whilst he orates; laugh when he is serious, are serious +when he is facetious. But the wounded worm has turned at last. SYDNEY +has struck. GEDGE has been goaded once too often. + +It was COURTNEY brought it about. Been six hours in Chair in Committee +on Tithes Bill; feeling faint and weary, glad to refresh himself with +sparkling conversation of Grand Young GARDNER; GEDGE on his feet at +moment in favourite oratorial attitude; pulverising Amendment moved by +GRAY; thought, as he proceeded, he heard another voice. Could it be? +Yes; it was Chairman of Committees conversing with frivolous elderly +young man whilst he (S.G.) was debating the Tithes Bill! Should he +pass over this last indignity? No; honour of House must be vindicated; +lofty standard of debate must be maintained; the higher the position +of offender the more urgent his duty to strike a blow. Was standing at +the moment aligned with Chair; paused in argument; faced about to the +right and marched with solemn steps to the end of Gangway, the Bench +having been desolated by his speech so far as it had gone. + +[Illustration: In revolt.] + +"Sir," he said, bending angry brows on Chairman, "I am afraid my +speech interrupted your conversation. Therefore I have moved further +away." + +That was all, but it was enough. HERBERT GARDNER slunk away, COURTNEY +hastily turned over pages of the Bill; hung down his guilty head, +and tried to look as if it were MILMAN who had been engaged in +conversation. Now MILMAN was asleep. + +_Business done_.--Level flow of Debate on Tithes Bill interrupted by +revolt of SYDNEY GEDGE. + +_Friday_.--Rather a disappointing evening from Opposition point of +view. In advance, was expected to be brilliant field-night. Irish +Administration to be attacked all along line; necessity for new +departure demonstrated. SHAW-LEFEVRE led off with Resolution demanding +establishment of Courts of Arbitration. Large muster of Members. Mr. +G. in his place; expected to speak; but presently went off; others +fell away, and all the running made from Ministerial Benches. +SHAW-LEFEVRE roasted mercilessly. House roared at SAUNDERSON's +description of his going to interview SULTAN, and being shown into +stable to make acquaintance of SULTAN's horse. Prince ARTHUR turned +on unhappy man full blast of withering scorn. Don't know whether +SHAW-LEFEVRE felt it; some men rather be kicked than not noticed at +all; but Liberals felt they had been drawn into ridiculous position, +and murmured bad words. "What's the use," they ask, "of winning +Hartlepool out of doors, if things are so managed that we are made +ridiculous within?" + +_Business done_.--SHAW-LEFEVRE's Resolution on Irish Land Question +negatived by 213 Votes against 152. + + * * * * * + +"THERMIDOR" UP TO DATE. + +(_TONED DOWN FOR ENGLISH RECEPTION._) + + _Last Act--On the road to the Guillotine--Hero, instead of + Heroine, about to be executed--Heroine imploring Hero to sign + paper._ + +_Heroine_. Attach but your signature, and you are free! + +_Hero_ (_after reading document in a tone of horror_). What, a vow to +marry, with the prospect of a breach of promise case to follow! Never! +Death is preferable! [_Exit to be guillotined. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +AN ARTIST AND A WHISTLER.--M. COQUELIN has summoned M. LISSAGARAY for +having thrown a whistle at him on the night of the _Thermidor_ row. It +is to be hoped that by this time M. LISSAGARAY will have been made to +pay for his whistle. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., February 7, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13074.txt or 13074.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/0/7/13074/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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