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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13067 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+January 31, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+A ROW IN THE PIT; OR, THE OBSTRUCTIVE HAT.
+
+    SCENE--_The Pit during Pantomime Time._
+
+    _The Overture is beginning._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_An Over-heated Matron_ (_to her Husband_). Well, they don't give
+you much _room_ in 'ere, I _must_ say. Still, we done better than
+I expected, after all that crushing. I thought my ribs was gone
+once--but it was on'y the umbrella's. You pretty comfortable where you
+are, eh. Father?
+
+_Father_. Oh, I'm right enough, I am.
+
+_Jimmy_ (_their Son; a small boy, with a piping voice_). If _Father_
+is, it's more nor what _I_ am. I can't see, Mother, I can't!
+
+_His Mother_. Lor' bless the boy! there ain't nothen to _see_ yet;
+you'll see well enough when the Curting goes up. (_Curtain rises on
+opening scene_). Look, JIMMY, ain't _that_ nice, now? All them himps
+dancin' round, and real fire comin' out of the pot--which I 'ope it's
+quite safe--and there's a beautiful fairy just come on, dressed so
+grand, too!
+
+_Jimmy_. I can't see no fairy--nor yet no himps--no nothen! [_He
+whimpers_.
+
+_His Mother_ (_annoyed_). Was there ever such a aggravating boy to
+take anywheres! Set quiet, do, and don't fidget, and look at the
+hactin'!
+
+_Jimmy_. I tell yer I can't _see_ no hactin', Mother. It ain't my
+fault--it's this lady in front o' me, with the 'at.
+
+_Mother_ (_perceiving the justice of his complaints_). Father, the
+pore boy says he can't see where he is, 'cause of a lady's hat in
+front.
+
+_Father._ Well, _I_ can't 'elp the 'at, can I? He must put up with it,
+that's all!
+
+_Mother._ No--but I thought, if you wouldn't mind changing places with
+him--you're taller than him, and it wouldn't be in your way 'arf so
+much.
+
+_Father._ It's always the way with you--never satisfied, _you_ ain't!
+Well, pass the boy across--I'm for a quiet life, I am. (_Changing
+seats._) Will _this_ do for you?
+
+    [_He settles down immediately behind a very large, and furry,
+    and feathery hat, which he dodges for some time, with the
+    result of obtaining an occasional glimpse of a pair of legs on
+    the stage._
+
+_Father_ (_suddenly_). D---- the 'at!
+
+_Mother._ You can't wonder at the _boy_ not seeing! P'raps the lady
+wouldn't might taking it off, if you asked her?
+
+_Father._ Ah! (_He touches_ The Owner of the Hat _on the shoulder._)
+Excuse me, Mum, but might I take the liberty of asking you to kindly
+remove your 'at? [The Owner of the Hat _deigns no reply._
+
+_Father_ (_more insistently_). _Would_ you 'ave any objection to
+oblige me by taking off your 'at, Mum? (_Same result._) I don't know
+if you _'eard_ me, Mum, but I've asked you twice, civil enough, to
+take that 'at of yours off. I'm a playin' 'Ide and Seek be'ind it 'ere!
+
+    [_No answer._
+
+_The Mother._ People didn't ought to be allowed in the Pit with sech
+'ats! Callin' 'erself a lady--and settin' there in a great 'at and
+feathers like a 'Ighlander's, and never answering no more nor a
+stuffed himage!
+
+_Father_ (_to the Husband of The Owner of the Hat_). Will you tell
+your good lady to take her 'at off, Sir, please?
+
+_The Owner of the Hat_ (_to her Husband_). Don't you do nothing of the
+sort, SAM, or you'll _'ear_ of it!
+
+_The Mother._ Some people are perlite, I must say. Parties might
+_beyave_ as ladies when they come in the Pit! It's a pity her 'usband
+can't teach her better manners!
+
+_The Father._ _'Im_ teach her! 'E knows better. 'E's got a Tartar
+there, _'e_ 'as!
+
+_The Owner of the Hat._ SAM, are you going to set by and hear me
+insulted like this?
+
+_Her Husband_ (_turning round tremulously_). I--I'll trouble you
+to drop making these personal allusions to my wife's 'at, Sir. It's
+puffickly impossible to listen to what's going on on the stage, with
+all these remarks be'ind!
+
+_The Father._ Not more nor it is to _see_ what's going on on the stage
+with that 'at in front! I paid 'arf-a-crown to see the Pantermime, I
+did; not to 'ave a view of your wife's 'at!... 'Ere, MARIA, blowed if
+I can stand this 'ere game any longer. JIMMY must change places again,
+and if he can't see, he must stand up on the seat, that's all!
+
+    [_JIMMY is transferred to his original place, and mounts upon
+    the seat._
+
+_A Pittite behind Jimmy_ (_touching up JIMMY's Father with an
+umbrella_). Will you tell your little boy to set down, please, and not
+block the view like this?
+
+_Jimmy's Father_. If you can indooce that lady in front to take off
+her 'at, I will--but not before. Stay where you are, JIMMY, my boy.
+
+_The Pittite behind._ Well, I must stand myself then, that's all. I
+mean to see, _somehow_! [_He rises._
+
+_People behind him_ (_sternly_). Set down there, will yer?
+
+    [_He resumes his seat expostulating._
+
+_Jimmy_. Father, the gentleman behind is a pinching of my legs!
+
+_Jimmy's Father._ Will you stop pinching my little boy's legs! He
+ain't doing you no 'arm--is he?
+
+_The Pinching Pittite_. Let him sit down, then!
+
+_Jimmy's Father._ Let the lady take her 'at off!
+
+_Murmurs behind._ Order, there! Set down! Put that boy down! Take orf
+that 'at! Silence in front, there! Turn 'em out! Shame!... &c., &c.
+
+_The Husband of the O. of the H._ (_in a whisper to his Wife_). Take
+off the blessed 'at, and have done with it, do!
+
+_The O. of the H._ What--_now_? I'd sooner _die_ in the 'at!
+
+    [_An Attendant is called._
+
+_The Attendant._ Order, there, Gentlemen, please--unless you want to
+get turned out! No standing allowed on the seats--you're disturbing
+the performance 'ere, you know!
+
+    [_JIMMY is made to sit down, and weeps silently; the hubbub
+    gradually subsides--and The Owner of the Hat triumphs--for
+    the moment._
+
+_Jimmy's Mother._ Never mind, my boy, you shall have Mother's seat in
+a minute. I dessay, if all was known, the lady 'as reasons for keeping
+her 'at on, pore thing!
+
+_The Father._ Ah, I never thought o' that. So she may. Very likely her
+'at won't _come_ off--not without her _'air!_
+
+_The Mother._ Ah, well, we musn't be 'ard on her, if that's so.
+
+_The O. of the H._ (_removing the obstruction_). I 'ope you're
+satisfied _now_, I'm sure?
+
+_The Father_ (_handsomely_). Better late nor never, Mum, and we take
+it kind of you. Though, why you shouldn't ha' done it at fust, I
+dunno; for you look a deal 'ansomer without the 'at than, what you did
+in it--_don't_ she, MARIA?
+
+_The O. of the H._ (_mollified_). SAM, ask the gentleman behind if his
+boy would like a ginger-nut.
+
+    [_This olive-branch is accepted; compliments pass; cordiality
+    is restored, and the Pantomime proceeds without further
+    disturbance._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING LIKE A SUBSCRIPTION!
+
+(_A PAGE FROM THE BOOK OF PHILANTHROPY._)
+
+The Committee waited impatiently the arrival of the Great and Good
+Man. It was their duty to obtain a donation--an ample one--from the
+Millionnaire whose charity was renowned far and wide, from one end of
+the world to the other. At length he appeared before them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"What can I do for you?" he asked, with a smile that absolutely shone
+with benevolence.
+
+"You know, Sir, that the claims of the poor in the Winter are
+numerous, and difficult to meet?"
+
+"Certainly I do," returned the Man of Wealth, "and hope that you are
+about to ask me for a subscription."
+
+"Indeed we were," cried the spokesman of the Committee, his eyes
+filling with grateful tears. "May I put you down for five pounds?"
+
+"Five pounds!" echoed the Millionnaire, impatiently, "What is five
+pounds?--_five thousand_ is much more like the figure! Now, I will
+give you five thousand pounds on one condition."
+
+"Name it!" cried the Deputation in a breath.
+
+"The simplest thing in the world," continued the Millionnaire. "I
+will give you five thousand pounds on the condition that you get
+ninety-nine other fellows to do the same. Nay, you shall thank me when
+all is collected. I can wait till then."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The above words were spoken more than thirty years ago. Since then
+the Deputation have been waiting for the other fellows--and so has the
+Millionnaire!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROFESSOR V. PROFESSOR.
+
+PROFESSOR VIRCHOW seems by no means Koch-sure about the _tuberculosis_
+remedy. Indeed Professor KOCH finds that there is not only "much
+virtue in an 'if,'" but much "if" in a VIRCHOW! He is inclined to sing
+with SWINBURNE:--
+
+  "Come down, and redeem us from VIRCHOW."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRIEND OF IRELAND AND THE WORDY KNIFE-GRINDER.
+
+(_IMITATION SAPPHICS SOME WAY AFTER CANNING AND FRERE._)
+
+[Illustration: _Wordy Knife-Grinder_. "STORY! GOD BLESS YOU! I HAVE
+NONE TO TELL, SIR!"]
+
+_Friend of Ireland_:--
+
+  "Wordy Knife-Grinder! Whither are you going?
+  Dark is your way--your wheel looks out of order--
+  Mitchelstown palls, and there seems no more spell in
+            O'BRIEN's breeches!
+
+  "Wordy Knife-Grinder, little think the proud ones,
+  Who in their speeches prate about their Union-
+  Ism, what hard work 'tis to keep a Party
+            Tightly together!
+
+  "Tell me, Knife-Grinder, what _your_ little game is.
+  Do you mean playing straight with me and others?
+  Or would you jocky Erin like a confounded
+            Saxon attorney?
+
+  "Give us a glimpse of that same Memorandum!
+  Pledge yourself clear to what needs no explaining!
+  Prove that your plan is not quite a sham, sly-whittled
+            Down into nullity!
+
+  "Ere I depart (if go I must, TIM HEALY)
+  Give me a pledge that I'm not sold for nothing.
+  Tell us in plain round words, without evasion, the
+            _True_ Hawarden story."
+
+_Knife-Grinder_.
+
+  "Story! God bless yer! I have none to tell, Sir!
+  _Never_ tell stories, I; 'tis my sole business
+  This Wheel to turn with treadle and cry, 'Knives and
+            Scissors to grind O!'
+
+  "Constabulary? Question of Land Purchase?
+  Number of Irish Members due in justice?
+  Never said aught about 'em; don't intend to--
+            Not for the present.
+
+  "I shall be glad to do what honour urgeth;
+  Grind on alone, if you will give me _carte-blanche_,
+  Make room for JUSTIN, and forbear to meddle
+            With politics, Sir!"
+
+_Friend of Ireland_.
+
+  "_I_ give thee _carte-blanche?_ I will see thee blowed first--
+  Fraud! whom no frank appeal can move to frankness--
+  Sophist, evasive, garrulous, word-web-spinning
+            Subtle Old Spider!!!"
+
+[_Kicks the Knife-Grinder, overturns his Wheel, and exit in a fury of
+patriotic enthusiasm and forcible language._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAPITAL AND LABOUR FORECAST;
+
+_OR, SIX OF ONE AND HALF-A-DOZEN OF THE OTHER._
+
+Though in some quarters a better feeling was reported to have
+prevailed, still, according to latest accounts, the outlook can
+scarcely be regarded as satisfactory. A meeting of the Amalgamated
+Engineering Tram-Drivers' Mutual Stand-Shoulder-to-Shoulder
+Strangulation Society was held on Glasgow Green yesterday afternoon,
+at which, amid a good deal of boisterous interruption, several
+delegates addressed the assembled audience and recounted their recent
+experiences up to date. There were still 1700 of the Company's old
+hands out of work, and though, thanks to the profound enthusiasm,
+"their just cause" had excited amidst the Trade Societies in the
+South, by which, owing to subscriptions from no less important
+bodies than the Bootmakers' Benevolent Grandmothers' Association, and
+Superannuated Undertakers' Orphan Society, they had been able to stay
+out and defy the Company, receiving all the while, every man of them,
+a stipend of 3s. 9d. a-week, still they had almost come to the end
+of their resources, and all that they had in hand towards next week's
+fund for distribution, was £1 13s. 7-1/2d., received in coppers from
+the Deputy-Chairman of the Metropolitan Boys' Boot-blacking Brigade,
+accompanied with an intimation that that help must be regarded as
+the last that can be counted on from that quarter. Under these
+circumstances it became a question whether it was not almost time to
+consider some terms of compromise.
+
+In the above sense one of the speakers addressed the meeting, but
+he was speedily followed by another, who insisted that, "come
+what might," they would stick to their latest terms, which were, a
+three-hours' day--(_loud cheers_)--and time-and-three-quarters for
+any work expected after three o'clock in the afternoon. (_Prolonged
+cheering_.)
+
+A Delegate here rose, and said it was all very well their cheering,
+but could they get it? (_A Voice, "We'll try!"_) For his part, the
+speaker continued, he had had enough of trying. With wife and children
+starving at home, he had only one course open to him, and that was,
+to knock under to the Company and their ten-hours' day, if they would
+have him. (_Groans, amid which the Speaker had his hat knocked over
+his eyes, and was kicked out of the assembly_.)
+
+The discussion was then continued, much in the same vein, and
+eventually culminated in a free fight, in which the Chairman got his
+head broken, on declaring that a Motion further limiting the working
+day to two hours and a half, was lost by a narrow majority.
+
+Yesterday afternoon the Directors' Mutual Anti-Labour Protection
+Company met at their Central Offices for the despatch of their usual
+business. The ordinary Report was read, which announced that though
+the affairs of three great Railway Companies had "gone" literally "to
+the dogs," still, the Directors of each had to be congratulated on
+showing a firm front, in refusing to acknowledge even the existence
+of their _employés_. The usual congratulatory Motions were put,
+_pro formâ_, and passed, and, amid a general manifestation of gloomy
+satisfaction, the meeting was further adjourned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A SALVAGE MAN."
+
+  Rudyard Kipling has hit on a picturesque plan;
+  He describes in strong language "the savage in Man."
+  Whilst amongst the conventions he raids and he ravages.
+  We'd like just a leetle more "Man" in his savages.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN SELF-DEFENCE.
+
+_Jones_ (_who has just told his best Story, and been rewarded with
+a gentle smile_). "UPON MY WORD, WOMEN HAVEN'T GOT THE REAL SENSE OF
+HUMOUR! WHY, WHEN I HEARD THAT STORY FOR THE FIRST TIME, ONLY LAST
+WEEK, I SIMPLY ROARED!"
+
+_Miss Smith_. "SO DID I--ONLY IT WAS LAST YEAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM OUR MUSICAL BOX.
+
+We sent our Musical Box (Cox being unable to accompany him on the
+piano or any other instrument, by reason of the severe weather) to
+hear STAVENHAGEN at St. James's Hall, Thursday last, the 22nd. Our
+Musical B. was nearly turned out of the hall, he was in such ecstasies
+of delight over a Beethovenly _concerto_, which "bangs Banagher," he
+said, subsequently translating the expression by explaining, "that
+is, beats BEETHOVEN." Our M.B. wept over a _cadenza_ composed by the
+performer, and was only restored by the appearance--her first--of
+Madame STAVENHAGEN, who gave somebody's grand _scena_ far better,
+probably, than that somebody could have given it himself, set as
+it was to fine descriptive music by the clever STAVENHAGEN, which
+delighted all hearers, especially those who were Liszt-eners.
+"Altogether," writes our Musical Box, "a very big success. Music is
+thirsty work. I am now about to do a symphony in B. and S."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VICE VERSÂ.
+
+  A poet in the _Forum_ asks the question,
+  "Is Verse in Danger?" 'Tis a wild suggestion!
+  Is Verse in Danger? Nay, _that_'s not the curse;
+  Danger (of utter boredom) is in Verse!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ODD MAN OUT."--On Saturday last, the last among the theatrical
+advertisements in the _Daily Telegraph_ was the mysterious one,
+"MR. CHARLES SUGDEN AT LIBERTY," and then followed his address. "At
+Liberty!" What does it mean? Has he been--it is a little difficult to
+choose the right word, but let us say immured--has he been immured in
+some cell?--for it does sound like a "sell" of another sort--and
+has he at last effected a sensational escape? No doubt CHARLES, our
+friend, will be able to offer the public a satisfactory explanation
+when he re-appears on the Stage which suffers from his absence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PLAYING OLD GOOSEBERRY AT THE HAYMARKET;
+
+_OR, THE DOOK, THE DANCING GIRL, AND THE LITTLE LAME DUCK._
+
+What is to be admired in ENERY HAUTHOR JONES is not so much his work
+but his pluck,--for has he not, in the first place, overcome the
+prudery of the Lord Chamberlain's Licensing Department, and, in the
+second place, has he not introduced on the boards of the Haymarket a
+good old-fashioned Melodrama, brought "up to date," and disguised in
+a Comedy wrapper? Walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, and see _The Dancing
+Girl_, a Comedy-Drama shall we call it, or, generically, a Play?
+wherein the prominent figures are a wicked Duke,--_vice_ the "wicked
+Baronet," now shelved, as nothing under the ducal rank will suit us
+nowadays, bless you!--a Provincial Puritan family, an honest bumpkin
+lover, a devil of a dancing woman who lives a double-shuffling sort of
+life, an angel of a lame girl,--who, of course, can't cut capers but
+goes in for coronets,--a sly, unprincipled, and calculating kind
+of angel she is too, but an audience that loves Melodrama is above
+indulging in uncharitable analysis of motive,--a town swell in the
+country, a more or less unscrupulous land-agent, and a genuine,
+honest "heavy father," of the ancient type, with a good old-fashioned
+melodramatic father's curse ready at the right moment, the last relic
+of a bygone period of the transpontine Melodrama, which will bring
+tears to the eyes of many an elderly playgoer on hearing the old
+familiar formula, in the old familiar situation, reproduced on
+the stage of the modern Haymarket as if through the medium of a
+phonophone.
+
+[Illustration: FINAL TABLEAU, ACT I.
+
+"O does not a Meeting (House) like this make amends?"
+
+_Ham Christison_ (_Clown_). "Ullo! Oh my! I'm a looking at yer!"]
+
+At all events, _Drusilla Ives, alias_ "the Dancing Girl "--though as
+to where she dances, how she dances, and when she dances, we are left
+pretty well in the dark, as she only gives so slight a taste of her
+quality that it seemed like a very amateurish imitation of Miss KATE
+VAUGHAN in her best day,--_Drusilla Ives_ is the mistress, neither
+pure nor simple, of the _Duke of Guisebury_,--a title which is
+evidently artfully intended by the, at present, "Only JONES" to be a
+compound of the French "Guise" and the English "Bury,"--who from his
+way of going on and playing old gooseberry with his property, might
+have been thus styled with advantage: and so henceforth let us think
+and speak of him as His Grace or His Disgrace the Duke of Gooseberry.
+
+This Duke of Gooseberry visits, "quite unbeknown,"--being, for this
+occasion only, the Duke of Disguisebury,--his own property, the Island
+of St. Endellion, just to see, we suppose, what sort of people the
+Quaker family may be from which his mistress, the Dancing Quakeress
+(and how funny she used to be at the Music Halls and at the Gaiety!),
+has sprung. For some reason or other, the Dancing Quakeress has gone
+to stay a few weeks with her family in the country, and while this
+hypocritical Daughter of HERODIAS is with her Quaker belongings at
+prayers in the Meeting House, the spirit moveth her to come out,
+and to come out uncommonly strong, as, within a yard or so of the
+building, she laughs and talks loudly with Gooseberry, and then in a
+light-hearted way she treats the Dook to some amateur imitations of
+ELLEN TERRY, finishing up with a reminiscence of KATE VAUGHAN; all
+of which _al fresco_ entertainment is given for the benefit of the
+aforesaid Gooseberry within sound of the sermon and within sight of
+the Meeting House windows. Suddenly her rustic Quaker lover, a kind
+of _Ham Peggotty_, lounges out of the Conventicle, which, as these
+persons seem to leave and enter just when it suits them, ought rather
+to be called a Chapel-of-Ease,--and, like the clown that he is, says
+in effect, "I'm a-looking at yer! I've caught yer at it!" Dismay
+of Dook and Dancer!! then Curtain on a most emphatically effective
+situation.
+
+[Illustration: Two "Regular Dawgs" having a _tête-à-tête._]
+
+The Second Act is far away the best of the lot, damaged, however, by
+vain repetitions of words and actions. To the house where Miss Dancing
+Girl is openly living under the protection of Gooseberry, the Duke's
+worthy Steward actually brings his virtuous and ingenuous young
+daughter! If ever there were a pair of artful, contriving, scheming
+humbugs, it is this worthy couple. Because the Duke saved her from
+being run over by his own horses, therefore she considers herself
+at liberty to limp after him, and round him, and about him, on every
+possible occasion, to say sharp, priggish things to him, to make love
+to him, and in the Third Act so craftily to manage as to spot him just
+as he is about to drink off a phial of poison, which operation, being
+preceded by a soliloquy of strong theatrical flavour and considerable
+length, gives the lame girl a fair chance of hobbling down the stairs
+and arresting the thus "spotted Nobleman's" arm at the critical
+moment. Curtain, and a really fine dramatic situation. "Which nobody
+can deny."
+
+[Illustration: ACT III. Pantaloon David Peggotty Gladstone Ives.]
+
+It is in this same Third Act that the fine old crusted melodramatic
+curse is uncorked, and a good imperial quart of wrath is poured out on
+his dancing daughter's head by the heavy father, who, in his country
+suit, forces his way into the gilded halls of the Duke's mansion, past
+the flunkeys, the head butler, and all the rest of the usual pampered
+menials. An audience that can accept this old-fashioned cheap-novel
+kind of clap-trap, and witness, without surprise, the marvellous
+departure of all the guests, supperless, for no assigned cause, or
+explicable reason, not even an alarm of fire having been given, will
+swallow a considerable amount.
+
+The Fourth Act is an anticlimax, and shows up the faulty construction
+of the drama. Of course the news comes that the Dancing Girl is dead,
+and this information is brought by a Sainte Nitouche of a "Sister" of
+some Theatrical Order (not admitted after half-past seven), whose very
+appearance is a _suggestio falsi_. Equally, of course, a letter is
+found, which, as exculpating Gooseberry, induces the old cuss of a
+Puritan father to shake hands with the converted "Spotted Nobleman";
+but, be it remembered, the Dook is still his landlord, and the value
+of the property is going up considerably. Then it appears that the old
+humbug of an agent has sagaciously speculated in the improvement of
+the island, and poor Gooseberry feels under such an obligation to that
+sly puss of an agent's daughter, that, in a melancholy sort of way,
+he offers her his hand, which she, the artful little hussy of a _Becky
+Sharp_, with considerable affectation of coyness, accepts, and down
+goes the Curtain upon as unsatisfactory and commonplace a termination
+to a good Melodrama as any Philistine of the Philistines could
+possibly wish. It would have been a human tragedy indeed had poor
+Gooseberry poisoned himself, and the girl whose life he had saved had
+arrived just too late, only to die of a broken heart. But that "is
+quite another story."
+
+The piece is well played all round, especially by the men. Mr. TREE
+is excellent, except in the ultra-melodramatic parts, where he is too
+noisy. The very best thing he does is the perfect finish of the Second
+Act, when, without a word, he sits in the chair before the fire lost
+in dismal thought. This is admirable: as perfect in its dramatic force
+as it is true to nature. It is without exception the best thing in the
+whole piece. Mr. F. KERR as _Reginald Slingsby_, achieves a success
+unequalled since Mr. BANCROFT played the _parvenu_ swell _Hawtree_. It
+should be borne in mind that Mr. KERR only recently played admirably
+the poor stuttering shabby lover in _The Struggle for Life. Il ira
+loin, ce bon_ M. KERR. Miss JULIA NEILSON looks the part to the life:
+when she has ceased to give occasional imitations of Miss ELLEN TERRY,
+and can really play the part as well as she looks it, then nothing
+more could be possibly desired. All the others as good as need be, or
+can be.
+
+[Illustration: FINAL TABLEAU.
+
+Triumph of the Artful Agent and his lame Duck of a Daughter, Sybil
+Slyboots, _alias_ Becky Sharp, afterwards the Merry Duchess of
+Gooseberry.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOGEY, MAN!
+
+(_RETORT OF A LADY-PLAYER WHO PLAYS "FOR LOVE."_)
+
+    ["No game was ever yet invented which held the female mind in
+    thrall save by indirect means. Where would croquet have been,
+    so far as the Ladies were concerned, without its Curates, or
+    lawn-tennis without its 'Greek gods' ... If men played for
+    nothing, they would find it dull enough."--JAMES PAYN]
+
+  'Tis mighty well for Menfolk at Womankind to gibe,
+  And swear they do not care for games without some lure or bribe,
+  But e'en in JAMES PAYN's armour there seems some weakish joints;
+  He does not care for "glorious Whist" unless for "sixpenny points!"
+      Whist! Whist! Whist! It charms the Bogey, Man:
+      Whist! Whist! Whist! He'll play it when he can.
+      But "pointless Whist," as PAYN admits, is not at all his plan;
+      You must have "money on" to please the Bogey, Man!
+
+  Now, Ladies like to play "for love," a fault male hucksters blame,
+  But only sordid souls deny _that_ is the true "grand game."
+  Man's vulgarer ambition's not just to play well and win;
+  His eye is ever on the stakes, his interest on the "tin."
+      Whist! Whist! Whist! That blatant Bogey, Man!
+      Whist! Whist! Whist! He'll flout us when he can.
+      "Indirect means" though, after all, are portions of _his_ plan;
+      For all his brag he loves the "swag," the Bogey, Man!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUM'S THE WORD!
+
+    [Mr. CHAMBERLAIN presided lately at a Deaf-and-Dumb Meeting.]
+
+            JOSEPH _reflecteth_:--
+  Deaf-mutes make the best audience, I see;
+    _They_ gave me no rude flood of gibes to stem.
+  True, they were deaf, and so could not hear _me_,
+    But they were dumb, so _I_ could not hear them!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MADAME ROLAND RE-EDITED (_from a sham-Japanese point of view_).--O
+LIBERTY! what strange (decorative) things are done in thy name!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JACK'S APPEAL.
+
+    ["It is impossible for warrant-officers in the Navy not to
+    see that they are placed at a disadvantage as compared with
+    non-commissioned officers in the Army, and it must be
+    very difficult to persuade them that the two cases are
+    so essentially different as to afford no real ground for
+    grievance."--_The "Times," on "An Earnest Appeal on Behalf of
+    the Rank and File of the Navy_."]
+
+_Jack Tar to Tommy Atkins, loquitur_:--
+
+  TOMMY ATKINS, TOMMY ATKINS, penmen write pertikler fine
+  Of the Wooden Walls of England, and likeways the Thin Red Line;
+  But for those as form that Line, mate, or for those as man them Walls,
+  Scribes don't seem so precious anxious to kick up their lyric squalls.
+  Not a bit of it, my hearty; for one reason--it don't pay;
+  There is small demand, my TOMMY, for a DIBDIN in our day.
+  Oh, I know that arter dinner your M.P.'s can up and quote
+  Tasty tit-bits from old CHARLEY, which they all reel off by rote;
+  But if there _is_ a cherub up aloft to watch poor JACK,
+  That there cherub ain't a poet,--bards are on another tack.
+
+  TOMMY ATKINS, TOMMY ATKINS, BULL is sweet on "loyal toasts,"
+  And he spends his millions freely on his squadrons and his hosts,
+  But there isn't much on't, messmate, not so fur as _I_ can see,
+  Whether 'tis rant or rhino, that gets spent on you and me.
+  Still the _Times_ has took our case up,--werry handsome o' the _Times_!--
+  I have heard it charged with prejudice, class-hate, and similar crimes,
+  But it shows it's got fair sperret and a buzzum as can feel
+  When it backs us with a "Leader" arter printing our "Appeal."
+  You are better off, my TOMMY, than the Navy Rank and File,
+  You _may_ chance to get promotion,--arter waiting a good while--
+  But the tip-top of Tar luck's to be a Warrant Officer;
+  We ain't like to get no further, if we even get _as_ fur.
+  'Tain't encouraging, my hearty. As for me, I'm old and grey,
+  'Tis too late now for promotion if it chanced to come _my_ way;
+  And my knowledge, and my patter, and my manners--well I guess
+  They mayn't be percisely fitted for a dandy ward-room mess.
+  But the Navy of the Future, TOMMY ATKINS, is our care,
+  We have gone through many changes, and for others must prepare.
+  It will make the Navy popular, more prospect of advance;
+  And what I say is, TOMMY,--_let the young uns have a chance!_
+  Some I know will cry "Impossible," and slate the scheme like fun.
+  Most good things are "impossible," my TOMMY,--_till they're done!_
+  Quarter-decks won't fill from fokesels, not to any great extent;
+  But, give good men a better chance! I guess that's all that's meant.
+  As the _Times_ says, werry sensible and kind-like, preju_dice_,
+  Though strong at first, dies quickly, melts away like thaw-struck ice;
+  If every brave French soldier, with a knapsack on his back,
+  _May_ find a Marshal's baton at the bottom of that pack,
+  Why should not a true British Tar, with pluck, and luck, and wit,
+  Find at last a "Luff's" commission hidden somewheres in his kit?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAKING THEM UP.
+
+_FLY-LEAF FROM AN ENERGETIC KAISER'S DIARY._
+
+10 P.M.--Slip out of Opera and take somebody else's overcoat from
+cloak-room when nobody is looking, jump into a four-wheeler, and drive
+to station. Am recognised, and a special train is called out. Give
+them the slip, and get into a horse-box of third-class omnibus-train
+just about to start.
+
+10.15 P.M. t_ 2.30 A.M.--Still in horse-box.
+
+2.45 AM.--Stop at a big town. Hurry out. Stopped for ticket. Throw off
+disguise of somebody else's overcoat, and declare myself. Guard called
+out to escort me. When they are looking the other way, hide under
+refreshment-counter, and get out of station unobserved on all-fours.
+Am collared by a policeman. Again have to declare myself. Give
+policeman twenty marks, bind him to silence, and borrow his official
+cloak. Find out Burgomaster's address. Hammer at his front door till I
+have stirred up the whole household.
+
+4 A.M. to 5 A.M.--Find out the Archbishop. Bang at his front door
+till he puts his head out of window, and wants to know "What on
+earth's the matter?" Hide round the corner. Repeat same business, with
+more or less success, at the residence of the Chief Justice, then at
+that of the Clerk of the Peace, and at those of any other officials
+I can call to mind, winding up by a regular good row at that of the
+General in Command. Trumpeter comes out. Take bugle from him, and give
+the call. General in Command rubs his eyes sleepily, and says he'll be
+down presently.
+
+5 A.M.--Hurry back to station. Catch early cattle-train going back to
+Berlin. Jump on engine, and declare myself. Wire approach down line,
+and tear away with the cattle, at seventy miles an hour, getting
+back to Berlin just in time for breakfast. Fancy I woke them up!
+Altogether, a very enjoyable outing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GENUINE ENTHUSIASM.
+
+(_A Thaw Picture_.)
+
+WHAT MATTER AN INCH OR TWO OF SURFACE-WATER, IF THE ICE BE STILL SOUND
+UNDERNEATH!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ROUGE ET NOIR!"
+
+OR, JONATHAN'S PERPLEXING PROBLEM.
+
+(_SOME WAY AFTER HOSEA BIGLOW'S "JONATHAN TO JOHN."_)
+
+_Jonathan (who has been reading the Articles on "The Negro Question in
+the United States," in the English "Times") loq._:--
+
+  It may be ez you're right, JOHN,
+    And both my hands _are_ full;
+  _You_ know ez I can fight, JOHN,
+    (I've wiped out "Sitting Bull").
+  Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess
+    We see our fix," sez he.
+  "The 'Thunderer's' paw lays down the law,
+    Accordin' to J.B.
+    To square it's left to _me_!"
+
+  Blood ain't so cool as ink, JOHN;
+    Big words are easy wrote;
+  The "coons"--well, you don't think, JOHN,
+    I'll let 'em cut my throat.
+  Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess
+    Ghost-dance must stop," sez he.
+    "Suppose the 'braves' and black ex-slaves
+    Hed b'longed to ole J.B.
+    Insted of unto me?"
+
+  Ten art'cles in your _Times_, JOHN,
+    Hev giv me good advice.
+  I mind th' old Slavery crimes, JOHN.
+    I don't need tellin' twice.
+  Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess,
+    I only guess," sez he,
+  "Seven million blacks on his folks' backs
+    Would kind o' rile J.B.
+    Ez much ez it riles me!"
+
+  The Red Man,--well, I s'pose, JOHN,
+    We'll hev to wipe _him_ aout.
+  Sech pizonous trash ez those, JOHN,
+    The world kin do without.
+  Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess
+    Injuns must go," sez he.
+    "COOPER's Red Man won't fit our plan,
+    Though he once witched J.B.
+    As once he fetched e'en _me_!"
+
+  The Black Man! Ah, that's wuss, JOHN.
+    The chaps wuz right, ay _joost_,
+  Who said the Slavery cuss, JOHN,
+    Wud yet come home to roost.
+  Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess
+    The problem set," sez he,
+    "By that derned Nig. is black and big,
+    And fairly puzzles me,
+    Ez it wud do J.B."
+
+  Your _Times_ would right our wrongs, JOHN,
+    --Always _wuz_ sweet on us!--
+  But on dilemma's prongs, JOHN,
+    To fix me don't _you_ fuss.
+  Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess,
+    Though physic's good," sez he,
+    "It doesn't foller that he can swaller
+    Prescriptions signed J.B.
+    Put up by you for me!"
+
+  Thet swaggerin' black buck Nig., JOHN,
+    Is jest a grown-up kid;
+  Ez happy as a ---- pig, JOHN,
+    When doin' wut he's bid.
+  Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess
+    He's hateful when he's free.
+  Equal with _him_, that dark-skinn'd limb?
+    No; that will not suit _me_,
+    More than it wud J.B.!"
+
+  Emigrate the whole lot, JOHN?
+    Well, that's a tallish task!
+  In Afric's centre hot, JOHN,
+    Send 'em to breed and bask?
+  Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess
+    _I_'d be right glad," sez he,
+    "But--_will they go?_ 'Tain't done, you know,
+    As easy as J.B.
+    Wud settle it--for me!"
+
+  _Rouge_--there I see my way, JOHN.
+    But _Noir_--thet's hard to front!
+  It wun't be no child's play, JOHN,
+    Seven million Nigs to shunt.
+  Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess
+    We've a hard row," sez he,
+    "To hoe just now, but thet, somehow,
+    I fancy, friend J.B.,
+    Your _Times_ may leave to _me_!"
+
+    [_Left considering it._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WELCOME BACK!
+
+    [Mr. SANTLEY, who has been long absent in Australia,
+    reappeared at St. James's Hall on Jan. 19, and was received
+    with great enthusiasm.]
+
+  Back from your Australian trip!
+  _Punch_, my CHARLES, your fist must grip.
+  You have lighted on a time
+  When we're all chill, choke, and grime.
+  'Twere no marvel, O great baritone,
+  Did you find your voice had nary tone.
+  But there's none like you can sing
+  "_To Anthea_," "_The Erl-King_."
+  SCHUBERT, GOUNOD, English HATTON,
+  Equally your Fine Art's pat on.
+  _Punch_ can never praise _you_ scantly.
+  _À votre santé_, good CHARLES SANTLEY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ROUGE ET NOIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION.
+
+"ON THE SCENT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR _BETTER_--OR WORSE.
+
+    [At the Anti-Gambling Demonstration recently held in Exeter
+    Hall, Sir RICHARD WEBSTER, the Attorney-General, said that it
+    was supposed by many that it was impossible to enjoy athletic
+    pursuits without becoming interested in a pecuniary sense. He
+    should therefore like to add, not for the purpose of holding
+    himself up as an example, that, during his entire interest in
+    sports of all kinds, he had never made a bet.]
+
+  Ah! these are days when Recklessness, bereft of ready cash,
+  Will strive to remedy the void by speculative splash;
+  It is a salutary sight for Bankruptcy and Debt--
+  Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet.
+
+  His interest in manly sports, an interest immense,
+  Was ne'er degraded to a mere "pecuniary sense;"
+  His boyhood's love of marbles leaves him nothing to regret--
+  Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet.
+
+  Next, when a youth, the cricket-bat he first began to wield,
+  And "Heads or Tails?" re-echoed for the Innings through the field.
+  He sternly scorned to toss the coin, howe'er his friends might fret--
+  Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet.
+
+  And when, an Undergraduate, he swiftly skimmed his mile,
+  And comrades staked with confidence on him their little pile,
+  He'd beg them not on his account in gambling ways to get--
+  This good Attorney-General who never made a bet.
+
+  To play for money ruins whist: and seldom can his Club
+  Persuade him to put counters (coins for Zulus!) on the rub;
+  He _has_ been known for lozenges to dabble with piquet;
+  He wasn't Chief Attorney then, nor was it _quite_ a bet.
+
+  His wise profession's ornament, he looks on all such games
+  Far otherwise than RUSSELL does, than LOCKWOOD, HALL, or JAMES;
+  For pure platonic love of play he stands, unequalled yet--
+  Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet.
+
+  St. Stephen's, too, thinks much of him; but ah! his soul it pains
+  To know that Speculation o'er the lobby sometimes reigns;
+  He's chided OLD MORALITY and RANDOLPH and the set,
+  Beseeching them on bended knees to never make a bet.
+
+  We all are fond of him, in short, the Boxes with the Gods;
+  That he's a first-rate fellow we would gladly lay the odds.
+  But no!--himself would veto that. We must not wound our pet
+  Precise Attorney-General who never made a bet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ARISTOTELIAN TREASURE-TROVE.
+
+  All have heard of "a Manuscript found in a Bottle,"
+    But here is a waif with romance yet more fraught:
+  A newly-found treatise by old ARISTOTLE
+    Is flotsam indeed from the Ocean of Thought.
+  Oh, happy discoverer, lucky Museum!
+    Not this time the foreigner scores off JOHN BULL.
+  Teuton pundits would lift, for such luck, their _Te Deum_!
+    No SHAPIRA, _Punch_ hopes, such a triumph to dull!
+  May it all turn out right! Further details won't tire us.
+  We _may_ get some straight-tips from that Coptic papyrus!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON SKATIN'.
+
+Well, I begins to agree with them as says, and says it too as if they
+ment it, that noboddy can reelly tell what is reel grand injiyment
+till they trys it, and trys it farely, and gives it a good chance. I
+remembers how I used to try and like Crikkit, when I was much yunger
+than I am now, and stuck to it in spite of several black eyes when I
+stood pint, and shouts of, "Now then, Butter-Fingers!" when I stood
+leg, till a serten werry fast Bowler sent me away from the wicket with
+two black and blew legs, and then I guv it up. I guv up Foot Ball for
+simler reesuns, and have never attemted not nothink in the Hathlettick
+line ewer since, my sumwat rapid increase in size and wait a hading me
+in that wise resolooshun.
+
+But sumhow it appened, dooring the hawful whether we has all bin a
+shivering threw for this long time, that I found my atenshun direckted
+to the strange fack that, whilst amost ewerybody was busily engaged
+in a cussin and swarin at the bitter cold and the dirty slippery sno,
+ewerybody else seemed to be injying of theirselves like wun-a-clock.
+Now it so appened that when waiting one day upon the young swell I
+have before spoken of, at the "Grand 'Otel," he was jined by another
+swell, who told him what a glorius day's skating he had been avin in
+Hide Park! and how he ment to go agen to-morrer, "if the luvly frost
+wood but continue!"
+
+So my cureosety was naterally egsited, and nex day off I gos to Hide
+Park, and there I seed the xplanation of what had serprised me so
+much. For there was hunderds and hunderds of not only spectably drest
+Gents, but also of reel-looking Ladys, a skatin away like fun, and
+a larfing away and injying theirselves jest as if it had bin a nice
+Summer's day. Presently I append to find myself a standing jest by a
+nice respectabel looking man, with a nice, cumferal-looking chair,
+and seweral pares of Skates; and presently he says to me, quite
+permiscus-like, "They all seems to be a injying theirselves, don't
+they, Sir?" which they most suttenly did; and then he says to me, says
+he, "Do you skate, Sir?" to which my natral pride made me reply, "Not
+much!" "Will you have a pair on. Sir," says he, "jest for a trial?"
+"Is there any fear of a axident?" says I. "Oh no. Sir," says he, "not
+if you follers my hinstrucshuns." So I acshally sets myself down
+in his chair, and lets him put me on a pair of Skates! The first
+differculty was, how to get up, which I found as I coudn't manage
+at all without his asistance; for, strange to say, both of my feet
+insisted on going quite contrary ways. Howewer, by grarsping on him
+quite tite round his waste, I at last manidged to go along three or
+four slides, and then I returned to the chair, and sat down again; and
+he was kind enuff to compliment me, and to say that he thort I was a
+gitting on fust-rate, and, if I woud only cum ewery day for about a
+week or so, he had no dowt but he shood see me a skating a figger of
+hate like the best on 'em!
+
+Hencouraged by his truthfool remarks, I at larst wentured to let go of
+him and try a few slides by myself, and shood no dowt have suckseeded
+hadmerably, but my bootifal stick to which I was a trustin to elp me
+from falling, slided rite away from me in a most unnatral manner,
+and down I came on my onerabel seat, with such a smasher as
+seemed to shake all my foreteen stun into a cocked-hat, to speak,
+hallegorically, and there I lay, elpless and opeless, and wundring how
+on airth I shood ever get up again. But my trusty frend and guide was
+soon at my side, as the Poet says, but all his united force, with that
+of too boys who came to his assistance, and larfed all the wile, as
+rude boys will, coud not get me on my feet agen 'till my too skates
+was taken off, and I agen found myself on _terror fermer_ on my
+friend's chair. It took me longer to recover myself than I shood have
+thort posserbel, but at larst I was enabled to crawl away, but not
+'till my frend had supplied me with jest a nice nip of brandy, which
+he said he kept andy in case of any such surprisin axidents as had
+appened to me.
+
+So what with paying for the use of the skates, and the use of the
+Brandy, and the use of the too boys, and the use of a handsum Cab to
+take me to the "Grand," that was rayther a deer ten minutes skating,
+and as it was reelly and trewly my fust attemt at that poplar and
+xciting passtime, I think I may safely affirm--as I have alreddy done
+to my better harf--whose langwidge, when I related my hadwentur,
+is scarcely worth repeating, as it was most certenly not
+complementary--that it shall be my larst. ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REMINISCENCES OF SPORT IN THE SNOW.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FREEZING POINT.
+
+(_BY A FROZEN-OUT LOVER._)
+
+  They tell me thou art cold, my sweet--
+    A fact that scarcely odd is.
+  Gales half so cruel never beat
+    Against poor human bodies.
+  Cupid's attire is far too light
+  To weather Thirty Fahrenheit.
+
+  How can a glow the soul entrance,
+    When frostbite nips the finger,
+  And blushes quit the countenance
+    To nigh the nostril linger!
+  Warmth were a miracle, in sight
+  And grip of Thirty Fahrenheit.
+
+  Chill! chill to _me_, my Paradise!!
+    I'll not complain or curse on.
+  One cannot well be otherwise
+    To any mortal person.
+  Mere icebergs ambulant, we fight
+  Ferocious Thirty Fahrenheit.
+
+  Cold art thou? Not so cold as I--
+    Nought living could be colder.
+  I'm far too cold to sob or sigh,
+    Still less in passion smoulder.
+  I'm turning fast to something quite
+  As numb as Thirty Fahrenheit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INFORMATION REQUIRED.--"Sir, I see a Volume advertised entitled,
+_Unspoken Sermons_. I should be glad to know where these are preached,
+as that's the place for yours truly, ONE WHO SNORES."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW BOOK OF IRISH LIFE.--_The Bedad's Sons_. By the Author of the tale
+of Indian Life, _The Begum's Daughters_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DELIGHTS OF TRIAL BY JURY.
+
+THESE GENTLEMEN ARE EXPECTED TO BE IN A JUDICIAL FRAME OF MIND AFTER
+HANGING ABOUT THE PRECINCTS OF THE COURT FOR SEVERAL DAYS, UNDER
+PENALTY OF A HEAVY FINE, WHILE THEIR PRIVATE BUSINESS IN THE CITY AND
+ELSEWHERE IS GOING TO THE DOGS. (WHY SHOULD NOT HALF-PAY OFFICERS DO
+THE WORK, AND RELIEVE BUSY MEN?)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Thursday, January 22_.--Both Houses met to-day
+after Christmas Recess. No QUEEN's Speech; no moving and seconding of
+Address; no Royal Commission and procession of SPEAKER to Lords. All
+seems strange, and spirits generally a little depressed. Only ROBERT
+FOWLER rises superior to circumstances of hour. Blustering about the
+Lobby "like Boreas," says CAUSTON.
+
+[Illustration: King Yah! Yah!]
+
+"Only not so rude," says HARRY LAWSON, jealous for the reputation of
+Metropolitan Members, even though some sit on the Benches opposite.
+With folded hands thrust behind coat-tails, rollicking stride,
+thunderous voice, and blooming countenance, Sir ROBERT positively
+pervades the Lobby. Personally receives POPE HENNESSY; shakes
+hands with everybody; and finally halting for a moment under the
+electric-lit archway leading into House, presents interesting and
+attractive picture of the Glorified Alderman.
+
+Scotch Members take possession of Commons to-night. LORD ADVOCATE
+brings in Bill, providing new machinery for private legislation; the
+Scotch Members with one accord fall upon proposal, and tear it to
+ribbons. Meanwhile other Members troop off to Lords, where spectacle
+is provided which beats the pantomimes into fits. Two new Peers to
+take their seats; procession formed in back room outside; enters from
+below Bar. First comes Black Rod, with nothing black about him; then
+Garter King-at-Arms, a herculean personage, fully five feet high, with
+a dangerous gleam in his eye, and the Royal Arms of England quartered
+in scarlet and blue and gold on his manly back. Behind, in red cloaks
+slashed with ermine, the new Baron and his escort of two brother
+Peers. There being no room for them to advance in due procession, they
+fall into single file, make their way to the Woolsack, where sits that
+pink of chivalry, that mould of fashion, that perfection of form, the
+LORD HIGH CHANCELLOR.
+
+New Peer drops on one knee, presents bundle of paper to LORD
+CHANCELLOR. L.C., coyly turning his head on one side, gingerly takes
+roll, hands it to Attendant. New Peer gets up; procession bundles back
+to table; here Gentleman in wig and gown gabbles something from long
+document. New Peer writes his name in a book (probably promising
+subscription towards expenses of performance.) Garter King-at-Arms
+getting to the front trots off with comically short strides for
+so great a dignity; New Peer and escort follow, Black Rod solemnly
+bringing up rear. Garter King makes for Cross Benches by the
+door; passes along one, the rest following, as if playing game of
+Follow-my-leader. Garter King suddenly making off to the right, walks
+up Gangway to row of empty Benches. Stops at the topmost row but one,
+and passes along. New Peer wants to follow him. Garter King prods him
+in chest with small stick, and tells him to go on to the Bench above.
+This he does, with escort. Meanwhile, Black Rod left out in the cold.
+Garter King motions to three Peers to be seated; tells them to put on
+their cocked-hats; counts ten; nods to them; they rise to feet, uplift
+cocked-hats in direction of LORD CHANCELLOR on Woolsack. He raises his
+in return of salute. Three Peers sit down again. Garter King counts
+ten; nods; up they get again, salute LORD CHANCELLOR; sit down once
+more. "One--two--three--four--ten," Garter King mumbles to himself.
+Once more they rise; salute LORD CHANCELLOR; then Garter King leading
+the way, they march back to Woolsack.
+
+Garter King now introduces new Member to LORD CHANCELLOR. L.C. starts
+as if he had never seen him before; then extends right hand; New Peer
+shakes it, procession reformed, walks out behind Bar. A few minutes
+later, another comes in, all the business done over again. Impressive,
+but a little monotonous, and as soon as possible after its conclusion
+Noble Lords go home.
+
+_Business done_.--In Commons, Private Bill Legislation Bill read a
+Second Time.
+
+_Friday_.--WM. O'BRIEN, standing with tear-stained face on pier at
+Boulogne waving wet handkerchief across the main, has drawn away
+JUSTIN McCARTHY, who can't be back till Monday. PARNELL was to have
+come down to-day, and, making believe to be still Leader of United
+Irishmen, asked OLD MORALITY to set aside day for discussion of his
+Motion on operation of Crimes Act. BRER FOX accordingly looked in
+shortly after SPEAKER took the Chair.
+
+[Illustration: Dr. Channing in the Pulpit.]
+
+"Seen BRER RABBIT anywhere about, TOBY?" he asked.
+
+So I up and told him about McCARTHY's new journey to Boulogne.
+
+"Oh, indeed," said BRER FOX; "if that's the case, I think I won't
+trouble House to-night. Got an engagement elsewhere; think I'll go and
+keep it. Not used to hanging about here, as you know; awful bore
+to me; but as long as BRER RABBIT comes here, I must be on spot to
+vindicate my position. So I'll say ta-ta. No--never mind ringing for
+fire-escape; can walk down the steps to-day."
+
+Thus there being no Irish Leader on the premises, and hardly any Irish
+Members, had a rare chance for attending to British business. CHANNING
+brought on question of working Overtime on the Railways; moved
+Resolution invoking interference of Board of Trade. Question a little
+awkward for Government. Couldn't afford to offend Railway Directors,
+yet wouldn't do to flout numerous body of working-men, chiefly voters.
+Proposed to shelve business by appointment of Select Committee.
+Opposition not going to let them off so easily. Debate kept up all
+night, winding up with critical Division; Government majority only 17.
+
+"And this," said OLD MORALITY, with injured look, "after PLUNKET's
+brilliant oration on the time-tables of the London and North-Western
+Railway Company! If he'd only illustrated it with magic-lantern,
+things would have gone differently." But he was obstinate; said there
+would be difficulty in arranging the slides, and so rejected proposal.
+
+_Business done_.--CHANNING's Resolution about Overtime on Railways
+negatived by 141 Votes against 124.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOMAGE TO SIR JAMES HANNEN.
+
+Sir,--As the recognised organ of the legal profession, will you permit
+me to address you? It is common knowledge that within the last few
+days the Right Honourable Sir JAMES HANNEN has been raised to a
+dignity greater than that he has been able to claim for the last
+eighteen years, when he has sat as President of the Probate, Divorce,
+and Admiralty Division of the High Court of Justice. On leaving the
+Court in which so many of us were known to him, he was kind enough
+to say, "Those eighteen years had been eighteen years of happiness to
+him, chiefly arising from the advantage he had had in having before
+him habitually practising in that Court Barristers who had felt that
+their part was just as important as his in the administration
+of Justice, and who had assisted him enormously. Without their
+assistance, his task would have been an arduous one, whereas it had
+been, as he had said, an agreeable one." As I personally have had the
+honour of appearing before his Lordship for many years, I think that
+it is only right that I should make some acknowledgment of this kind
+recognition of my services.
+
+It is quite true that I have felt, as Sir JAMES HANNEN suggests, that
+my part (humble as it may have been) has been just as important as his
+in the administration of Justice. But it is gratifying to me beyond
+measure to learn that my invariable custom of bowing to his
+Lordship on the commencement and conclusion of each day's forensic
+duties--which has been the limit of my "habitual practice" in the
+Probate Division--should "have assisted him enormously." I can only
+say that, thanks to his unvarying kindness and courtesy, my daily
+recognition of his greetings from the Bench, instead of being an
+arduous task, has ever been an agreeable one. I have the honour to
+remain, Sir, your very obedient servant,
+
+(_Signed_)
+
+A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.
+
+_Pump-Handle Court, January 24, 1891._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PRO-DIGIOUS!"--In last Sunday's _Observer_ we read that at St.
+Petersburg Madame MELBA, as _Juliette, "was recalled thirty-one times
+before the proscenium._" The italics are ours, rather! If this sort of
+thing is to be repeated during the Opera season here, and each gifted
+singer is recalled in proportion to his or her merits, the audience
+will not get away till the following morning. _Juliette_ must have
+said, on the above-mentioned occasion, "Parting is such sweet sorrow,
+That I could say 'good-night' until to-morrow." And the usual chorus
+of operatic _habitués_ will be, "We won't go home till morning. Till
+daylight doth appear!" with _refrain_, "For--she (or he)'s a jolly
+good singer," &c., _ad infinitum_, or "_ad infi-next-nightum_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRIEZE OF THE PARTHENON.
+
+ENGLAND TO ATHENS:--
+
+  O Queen of Cities, with a crown of woe,
+    Scarred by the ruin of two thousand years,
+  By fraud and by barbarian force laid low,
+    Buried in dust, and watered with the tears
+  Of unregarded bondmen, toiling on,
+  Crushed in the shadow of their Parthenon;
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Mother of heroes, Athens, nought availed
+    The Macedonian's triumph, or the chain
+  Of Rome; the conquering Osmanli failed,
+    His myriad hosts have trampled thee in vain.
+  They for thy deathless body raised the pyre,
+  And held the torch, but Heaven forbade the fire.
+
+  Then didst thou rise, and, shattering thy bands,
+    Burst in war's thunder on the Muslim horde,
+  Who shrank appalled before thee, while thy hands
+    Wielded again the imperishable sword,
+  The sword that smote the Persian when he came,
+  Countless as sand, thy virgin might to tame.
+
+  Mother of freemen, Athens, thou art free,
+    Free as the spirits of thy mighty dead;
+  And Freedom's northern daughter calls to thee,
+    "How shall I help thee, sister? Raise thy head,
+  O Athens, say what can I give thee now,
+  I who am free, to deck thy marble brow?"
+
+
+ATHENS REPLIES:--
+
+  Shot-dinted, but defiant of decay,
+    Stand my gaunt columns in a tragic line,
+  The shattered relics of a glorious day,
+   Mute guardians of the lost Athena's shrine.
+  The flame of hope, that faded to despair
+  Ere Hellas burst her chains, is imaged there.
+
+  Yet one there was who came to her for gain,
+    Ere yet the years of her despair were run;
+  And with harsh zeal defaced the ruined fane
+    Full in the blazing light of Hellas' sun.
+  Spoiling my home with sacrilegious hand,
+  He bore his captives to a foreign land.
+
+  Ilissus mourns his tutelary god,
+    Theseus in some far city doth recline:
+  Lost is the Horse of Night that erstwhile trod
+    My hall; the god-like shapes that once were mine
+  Call to me, "Mother save us ere we die,
+  Far from thy arms beneath a sunless sky."
+
+  How shall I answer? for my arms are fain
+    To clasp them fast upon the rock-bound steep,
+  Their ancient home. Shall Athens yearn in vain,
+    And all in vain must woful Hellas weep?
+  Must the indignant shade of PHIDIAS mourn
+  For his dear city, free but how forlorn?
+
+  How shall I answer? Nay, I turn to thee,
+    England, and pray thee, from thy northern throne
+  Step down and hearken, give them back to me,
+    O generous sister, give me back mine own.
+  Thy jewelled forehead needs no alien gem
+  Torn from a hapless sister's diadem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100., Jan. 31, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13067 ***