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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12905 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 99.
+
+
+
+December 13, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. IX.--THE CURSE OF COGNAC.
+
+    (_By_ WATER DECANT, _Author of "Chaplin off his Feet," "All
+    Sorts of Editions for Men," "The Nuns in Dilemma," "The
+    Cream he Tried," "Blue-the-Money Naughty-boy," "The Silver
+    Gutter-Snipe," "All for a Farden Fare," "The Roley Hose,"
+    "Caramel of Stickinesse," &c., &c., &c._)
+
+    [Of this story the Author writes to us as follows:--"I can
+    honestly recommend it, as calculated to lower the exaggerated
+    cheerfulness which is apt to prevail at Christmas time. I
+    consider it, therefore, to be eminently suited for a Christmas
+    Annual. Families are advised to read it in detachments of four
+    or five at a time. Married men who owe their wives' mothers
+    a grudge should lock them into a bare room, with a guttering
+    candle and this story. Death will be certain and not painless.
+    I've got one or two rods in pickle for the publishers. You
+    wait and see.--W.D."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+GEORGE GINSLING was alone in his College-rooms at Cambridge. His
+friends had just left him. They were quite the tip-top set in Christ's
+College, and the ashes of the cigarettes they had been smoking lay
+about the rich Axminster carpet. They had been talking about many
+things, as is the wont of young men, and one of them had particularly
+bothered GEORGE by asking him why he had refused a seat in the
+University Trial Eights after rowing No. 5 in his College boat. GEORGE
+had no answer ready, and had replied angrily. Now, he thought of
+many answers. This made him nervous. He paced quickly up and down the
+deserted room, sipping his seventh tumbler of brandy, as he walked. It
+was his invariable custom to drink seven tumblers of neat brandy every
+night to steady himself, and his College career had, in consequence,
+been quite unexceptionable up to the present moment. He used playfully
+to remind his Dean of PORSON's drunken epigram, and the good man
+always accepted this as an excuse for any false quantities in GEORGE's
+Greek Iambics. But to-night, as I have said, GEORGE was nervous with a
+strange nervousness, and he, therefore, went to bed, having previously
+blown out his candle and placed his Waterbury watch under his pillow,
+on the top of which sat a Devil wearing a thick jersey worked with
+large green spots on a yellow ground.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+Now this Devil was a Water-Devil of the most pronounced type. His
+head-quarters were on the Thames at Barking, where there is a sewage
+outfall, and he had lately established a branch-office on the Cam,
+where he did a considerable business.
+
+Occasionally, he would run down to Cambridge himself, to consult
+with his manager, and on these occasions he would indulge his
+playful humour by going out at night and sitting on the pillows of
+Undergraduates.
+
+This was one of his nights out, and he had chosen GEORGE GINSLING's
+pillow as his seat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEORGE woke up with a start. What was this feeling in his throat?
+Had he swallowed his blanket, or his cocoa-nut matting? No, they
+were still in their respective places. He tore out his tongue and his
+tonsils, and examined them. They were on fire. This puzzled him. He
+replaced them. As he did so, a shower of red-hot coppers fell from his
+mouth on to his feet. The agony was awful. He howled, and danced about
+the room. Then he dashed at the whiskey, but the bottle ducked as he
+approached, and he failed to tackle it. Poor GEORGE, you see, was a
+rowing-man, not a football-player. Then he knew what he wanted. In
+his keeping-room were six _carafes_, full of Cambridge water, and a
+dozen bottles of Hunyádi Janos. He rushed in, and hurled himself upon
+the bottles with all his weight. The crash was dreadful. The foreign
+bottles, being poor, frail things, broke at once. He lapped up the
+liquid like a thirsty dog. The _carafes_ survived. He crammed them
+with their awful contents, one after another, down his throat. Then he
+returned to his bed-room, seized his jug, and emptied it at one gulp.
+His bath was full. He lifted it in one hand, and drained it as dry
+as a University sermon. The thirst compelled him--drove him--made
+him--urged him--lashed him--forced him--shoved him--goaded him--to
+drink, drink, drink water, water, water! At last he was appeased. He
+had cried bitterly, and drunk up all his tears. He fell back on his
+bed, and slept for twenty-four hours, and the Devil went out and gave
+his gyp, STARLING, a complete set of instructions for use in case of
+flood.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+STARLING was a pale, greasy man. He was a devil of a gyp. He went into
+GEORGE's bed-room and shook his master by the shoulder. GEORGE woke
+up.
+
+"Bring me the College pump," he said. "I must have it. No, stay," he
+continued, as STARLING prepared to execute his orders, "a hair of the
+dog--bring it, quick, quick!"
+
+STARLING gave him three. He always carried them about with him in case
+of accidents. GEORGE devoured them eagerly, recklessly. Then with a
+deep sigh of relief, he went stark staring mad, and bit STARLING in
+the fleshy part of the thigh, after which he fell fast asleep again.
+On awaking, he took his name off the College books, gave STARLING a
+cheque for £5000, broke off his engagement, but forgot to post the
+letter, and consulted a Doctor.
+
+"What you want," said the Doctor, "is to be shut up for a year in the
+tap-room of a public-house. No water, only spirits. That must cure
+you."
+
+So GEORGE ordered STARLING to hire a public-house in a populous
+district. When this was done, he went and lived there. But you
+scarcely need to be told that STARLING had not carried out his orders.
+How could he be expected to do that? Only fifty-six pages of my book
+had been written, and even publishers--the most abandoned people on
+the face of the earth--know that that amount won't make a Christmas
+Annual. So STARLING hired a Temperance Hotel. As I have said, he was
+a devil of a gyp.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+The fact was this. One of GEORGE's great-great uncles had held a
+commission in the Blue Ribbon Army. GEORGE remembered this too late.
+The offer of a seat in the University Trial Eights must have suggested
+the blue ribbon which the University Crew wear on their straw hats.
+Thus the diabolical forces of heredity were roused to fever-heat, and
+the great-great uncle, with his blue ribbon, whose photograph hung in
+GEORGE's home over the parlour mantelpiece, became a living force in
+GEORGE's brain.
+
+GEORGE GINSLING went and lived in a suburban neighbourhood. It was
+useless. He married a sweet girl with various spiteful relations. In
+vain. He changed his name to PUMPDRY, and conducted a local newspaper.
+Profitless striving. STARLING was always at hand, always ready
+with the patent filter, and as punctual in his appearances as the
+washing-bill or the East wind. I repeat, he was a devil of a gyp.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+They found GEORGE GINSLING feet uppermost in six inches of water in
+the Daffodil Road reservoir. It was a large reservoir, and had been
+quite full before GEORGE began upon it. This was his record drink, and
+it killed him. His last words were, "If I had stuck to whiskey, this
+would never have happened."
+
+THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"IT IS THE BOGIE MAN!"--BLACKIE'S _Modern Cyclopedia_. Nothing to do
+with the Christy Minstrel Entertainment, but a very useful work of
+reference, issued from the ancient house of publishers which is now
+quite BLACKIE with age. We have looked through the "B's" for "Bogie,"
+but "The Bogie Man" is "Not there, not there, my child!" but he is
+to be found in that other BLACKIE's collection at the St. James's
+Hall, which Bogie Man is said to be the original of that ilk.
+_Unde derivatur_ "Bogie"? Perhaps the next edition of BLACKIE's
+_still-more-Modern-than-ever Cyclopedia will explain_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS ABOUT PICTURES (_by Old Par_).--At the Fine Art Society's Gallery
+I gazed upon the pictures of "Many-sided Nature" with great content,
+and came to the conclusion that Mr. ALBERT GOODWIN was a many-sided
+artist. "Now," said I, quoting SHAKSPEARE--_Old Par's Improved
+Edition_--"is the GOODWIN of our great content made glorious." O.P.,
+who knows every inch of Abingdon, who has gazed upon Hastings from
+High Wickham, who is intimate with every brick in Dorchester, who
+loves every reed and ripple on the Thames, and has a considerable
+knowledge of the Rigi and Venice, can bear witness to the truth of the
+painter. There are over seventy pictures--every one worth looking at.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BUSINESS!"
+
+[Illustration: _Sweater_ (_to Mr. Punch_). "NO USE YOUR INTERFERING.
+BUSINESS IS BUSINESS!"
+
+_Mr. P._ "YES, AND UNCOMMONLY BAD BUSINESS, TOO, FOR _THEM_. COULDN'T
+THE LARGE FIRMS TAKE A TRIFLE LESS PROFIT, AND PUT A LITTLE PLEASURE
+INTO THE BUSINESS OF THESE POOR STARVING WORKERS?"]
+
+    ["Business!" cries the Sweater, when remonstrated with
+    for paying the poor Match-box makers twopence-farthing or
+    twopence-half-penny a gross, whilst his own profits reach
+    22-1/2 to 25 per cent.--_Daily News_.]
+
+_PUNCH TO THE SWEATING SHYLOCK._
+
+  Eh? "Business is business"? Sheer cant, Sir! Pure gammon?
+  Of all the inhuman, sham Maxims of Mammon,
+    This one is the worst,
+  For under its cover lurks cruelty callous,
+  With murderous meanness that merits the gallows,
+    And avarice accurst.
+
+  Oh, well, I'm aware, Sir, how ruthless rapacity
+  Loves to take shelter, with cunning mendacity
+    'Neath an old saw;
+  But well says the scribe that such "business" is crime, Sir,
+  And such would be but for gaps half the time, Sir,
+    'Twixt justice and law.
+
+  Bah! Many a man who's sheer rogue in reality,
+  Hides the harsh knave in the mask of "legality."
+    When 'tis too gross,
+  Robbery's rash, but austere orthodoxies
+  Countenance such things as modern match-boxes
+    Nine-farthings a gross!
+
+  From seven till ten, and sometimes to eleven,
+  For "six bob" a week. Ah! such life _must_ be heaven;
+    Whilst as for your "profit,"
+  That's bound to approach five-and-twenty per cent.,
+  That Sweaters shall thrive, let their tools be content
+    With starvation in Tophet.
+
+  To starve's bad enough, but to starve and to work
+  (Mrs. LABOUCHERE hints), the most patient may irk;
+    And the lady is right--
+  Business? On brutes who dare mouth such base trash,
+  _Mr. Punch_, who loves justice and sense, lays his lash,
+    With the greatest delight.
+
+  He knows the excuses advanced for the Sweater,
+  But bad is the best, and, until you find better,
+    'Tis useless to cant
+  Of freedom of contract, supply and demand,
+  And all the cold sophistries ever on hand
+    Sound sense to supplant.
+
+  A phrase takes the place of an argument often.
+  And stomachs go empty, and brains slowly soften,
+    And sense sick with dizziness,
+  All in the name of the bosh men embody
+  In one clap-trap phrase that dupes many a noddy,
+    That--business is business!
+
+  Business? Yes, precious bad business for them, Sir,
+  Whose joyless enslavement _you_ take with such phlegm, Sir,
+    Suppose, to enhance
+  Their small share of ease, such as you, were content, Sir,
+  To lower a trifle your precious "per cent.," Sir,
+    And give _them_ a chance!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOFT SAWDER.
+
+"BUT I DON'T CALL THIS A FASHIONABLE 'AT!"
+
+"IT WILL SOON _BECOME_ SO, MADAM, IF _YOU_ WEAR IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: A Christmas Masque.]
+
+In _Camp and Studio_, Mr. IRVING MONTAGU, some time on the artistic
+staff of _The Illustrated London News_, gives his experiences of the
+Russo-Turkish Campaign. He concisely sums up the qualifications of a
+War Correspondent by saying that he should "have an iron constitution,
+a laconic, incisive style, and sufficient tact to establish a safe
+and rapid connecting link between the forefront of battle and his own
+head-quarters in Fleet Street or elsewhere." As Mr. IRVING MONTAGU
+seems to have lived up to his ideal, it is a little astonishing to
+find the last chapters of his book devoted to _Back in Bohemia_,
+wherein he discourses of going to the Derby, a Hammersmith
+_Desdemona_, and of the _Postlethwaites_ and _Maudles_, "whose
+peculiarities have been recorded by the facile pen of DU MAURIER." But
+as the author seems pleased with the reader, it would be indeed sad
+were the reader to find fault with the author. However, this may be
+said in his favour--he tells (at least) one good story. On his return
+from Plevna to Bohemia, a dinner was given in his honour at the
+Holborn Restaurant. Every detail was perfect--the only omission was
+forgetfulness on the part of the Committee to invite _the guest of
+the evening_! At the last moment the mistake was discovered, and a
+telegram was hurriedly despatched to Mr. MONTAGU, telling him that he
+was "wanted." On his arrival he was refused admittance to the dinner
+by the waiters, because he was not furnished with a ticket! Ultimately
+he was ushered into the Banqueting Hall, when everything necessarily
+ended happily.
+
+One might imagine that Birthday Books have had their day, but
+apparently they still flourish, for HAZELL, WATSON, & VINEY publish
+yet another, under the title of _Names we Love, and Places we Know_.
+The first does not apply to our friends, but to the quotations
+selected, and places are shown by photos.
+
+Of many _Beneficent and Useful Lives_, you will hear "in
+CHAMBERS,"--the reader sitting as judge on the various cases brought
+before him by Mr. ROBERT COCHRANE.
+
+_Unlucky_ will not be the little girl who reads the book with this
+name, by CAROLINE AUSTIN.
+
+_Everybody's Business_, by ISMAY THORN, nobody likes interference, but
+in this case it proved the friend in need.
+
+_Chivalry_, by LÉON GAUTIER, translated by HENRY FRITH, is a chronicle
+of knighthood, its rules, and its deeds. To the scientific student,
+_Discoveries and Inventions of the Nineteenth Century_, by ROBERT
+ROUTLEDGE, B.S., F.C.S., will be interesting, and help him to discover
+a lot he does not know. Those who have not already read it, _A Wonder
+Book for Girls and Boys_, by NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, will have a real
+treat in the myths related; _Tanglewood Tales_ are included, and these
+are delightful for all. _Rosebud_, by Mrs. ADAMS ACTON, a tale for
+girls, who will love this bright little flower, bringing happiness all
+around.
+
+_Holly Leaves_, the Special Number of _The Sporting and Dramatic_, is
+quite a seasonable decoration for the drawing-room table during the
+Christmas holidays.
+
+My faithful "Co." has been reading _Jack's Secret_, by Mrs.
+LOVETT CAMERON, which, he says, has greatly pleased him. It has
+an interesting story, and is full of clever sketches of character.
+_Jack_, himself, is rather a weak personage, and scarcely deserves the
+good fortune which ultimately falls to his lot. After flirting with a
+born coquette, who treats him with a cruelty which is not altogether
+unmerited, he settles down with a thoroughly lovable little wife, and
+a seat in the House of Lords. From this it will be gathered that all
+ends happily. _Jack's Secret_ will be let out by MUDIE's, and will be
+kept, for a considerable time--by the subscribers.
+
+Girls will be the richer this year by _Fifty-two more Stories for
+Girls_, and boys will be delighted with _Fifty-two more Stories for
+Boys_, by many of the best authors: both these books are edited by
+ALFRED MILES, and published by HUTCHISON & Co. _Lion Jack_, by P.T.
+BARNUM, is an account of JACK's perilous adventures in capturing wild
+animals. If they weren't, of course, all true, _Lyin' Jack_ would have
+been a better title.
+
+_Syd Belton_, unlike most story-book boys, would not go to sea, but he
+was made to _go_, by the author, Mr. MANVILLE FENN. Once launched, he
+proved himself a British salt of the first water. _Dumps and I_, by
+Mrs. PARR, is a _par_ticularly pretty book for girls, and quite on a
+par with, her other works. METHUEN & CO. publish these.
+
+_Pictures and Stories from English History_, and _Royal Portrait
+Gallery_, are two Royal Prize Books for the historical-minded child;
+they are published by T. NELSON AND SONS, as likewise "_Fritz_" _of
+Prussia, Germany's Second Emperor_, by LUCY TAYLOR. _Dictionary of
+Idiomatic English Phrases_, by JAMES MAIN DIXON, M.A., F.R.S.E., which
+may prove a useful guide to benighted foreigners in assisting them to
+solve the usual British vagaries of speech; like the commencement of
+the Dictionary, it is quite an "A1" book.
+
+"Dear Diary!" as one of Mr. F.C. PHILLIPS's heroines used to
+address her little book, but DE LA RUE's are not "dear Diaries," nor
+particularly cheap ones. This publisher is quite the Artful Dodger in
+devising diaries in all shapes and sizes, from the big pocket-book to
+the more insidious waistcoat-pocket booklet,--"small by degrees, but
+beautifully less."
+
+"Here's to you, TOM SMITH!"--it's BROWN in the song, but no
+matter,--"Here's to you," sings the Baron, "with all my heart!" Your
+comic gutta-percha-faced Crackers are a novelty; in fact, you've
+solved a difficulty by introducing into our old Christmas Crackers
+several new features.
+
+This year the Baron gives the prize for pictorial amusement to LOTHAR
+MEGGENDORFER (Gods! what a name!), who, assisted by his publishers,
+GREVEL & CO., has produced an irresistibly funny book of movable
+figures, entitled _Comic Actors_. What these coloured actors do is so
+moving, that the spectators will be in fits of chuckling. Recommended,
+says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS."
+
+ARGUMENT.--EDWIN has taken ANGELINA, his _fiancée_, to an
+entertainment by a Mesmerist, and, wishing to set his doubts at
+rest, has gone upon the platform, and placed himself entirely at the
+Mesmerist's disposition. On rejoining ANGELINA, she has insisted upon
+being taken home immediately, and has cried all the way back in the
+hansom--much to EDWIN's perplexity. They are alone together, in a
+Morning-room; ANGELINA is still sobbing in an arm-chair, and EDWIN is
+rubbing his ear as he stands on the hearthrug.
+
+_Edwin_. I say, ANGELINA, don't go on like this, or we shall have
+somebody coming in! I wouldn't have gone up if I'd known it would
+upset you like this; but I only wanted to make quite sure that the
+whole thing was humbug, and--(_complacently_)--I rather think I
+settled that.
+
+_Ang._ (_in choked accents_). You settled that?--but _how?_... Oh, go
+away--I can't bear to think of it all! [_Fresh outburst._
+
+_Ed._ You're a little nervous, darling, that's all--and you see, I'm
+all right. I felt a little drowsy once, but I knew perfectly well what
+I was about all the time.
+
+_Ang._ (_with a bound_). You knew?--then you _were_ pretending--and
+you call that a good joke! _Oh!_
+
+_Ed._ Hardly pretending. I just sat still, with my eyes shut, and the
+fellow stroked my face a bit. I waited to see if anything would come
+of it--and nothing did, that's all. At least, I'm not aware that I did
+anything peculiar. In fact, I'm _certain_ I didn't. (_Uneasily._) Eh,
+ANGELINA?
+
+_Ang._ (_indistinctly, owing to her face being buried in cushions_).
+If you d-d-d-on't really know, you'd bub-bub-better-not ask--but I
+believe you do--quite well!
+
+_Ed._ Look here, ANGIE, if I behaved at all out of the common, it's
+just as well that I should know it. I don't recollect it, that's all.
+Do pull yourself together, and tell me all about it.
+
+_Ang._ (_sitting up_). Very well--if you will have it, you must. But
+you can't really have forgotten how you stood before the footlights,
+making the most horrible faces, as if you were in front of a
+looking-glass. All those other creatures were doing it, too; but, oh,
+EDWIN, yours were far the ugliest--they haunt me still.... I mustn't
+think of them--I won't! [_Buries her face again._
+
+_Ed._ (_reddening painfully_). No, I say--_did_ I? not really--without
+humbug, ANGELINA!
+
+_Ang._ _You_ know best if it was without humbug! And, after that, he
+gave you a glass of cuc-cod-liver oil, and--and pup-pup-paraffin,
+and you dud-drank it up, and asked for more, and said it was the
+bub-bub-best Scotch whiskey you ever tasted. You oughtn't even to
+_know_ about Scotch whiskey!
+
+_Ed._ I can't know much if I did _that_. Odd I shouldn't remember it,
+though. Was that all?
+
+_Ang._ Oh, no. After that you sang--a dreadful song--and pretended to
+accompany yourself on a broom. EDWIN, you know you did; you can't deny
+it!
+
+_Ed._ I--I didn't know I _could_ sing; and--did you say on a broom?
+It's bad enough for me already, ANGELINA, without _howling_! Well, I
+sang--and what then?
+
+_Ang._ Then he put out a cane with a silver top close to your face,
+and you squinted at it, and followed it about everywhere with your
+nose; you _must_ have known how utterly idiotic you looked!
+
+_Ed._ (_dropping into a chair_). Not at the time.... Well, go on,
+ANGELINA; let's have it all. What next?
+
+_Ang._ Next? Oh, next he told you you were the Champion Acrobat of
+the World, and you began to strike foolish attitudes, and turn great
+clumsy somersaults all over the stage, and you always came down on the
+flat of your back!
+
+_Ed._ I _thought_ I felt a trifle stiff. Somersaults, eh? Anything
+else? (_With forced calm._)
+
+_Ang._ I did think I should have _died_ of shame when you danced?
+
+_Ed._ Oh, I _danced_, did I? Hum--er--was I _alone_?
+
+_Ang._ There were four other wretches dancing too, and you imitated
+a ballet. You were dressed up in an artificial wreath and a
+gug-gug-gauze skirt.
+
+_Ed._ (_collapsing_). No?? I _wasn't_!... Heavens! What a bounder I
+must have looked! But I say, ANGIE, it was all _right_. I suppose? I
+mean to say I wasn't exactly vulgar, or that sort of thing, eh?
+
+_Ang._ Not vulgar? Oh, EDWIN? I can only say I was truly thankful
+_Mamma_ wasn't there!
+
+_Ed._ (_wincing_). Now, don't, ANGELINA it's quite awful enough as it
+is. What beats me is how on earth I came to _do_ it all.
+
+_Ang._ You see, EDWIN, I wouldn't have minded so much if I had had the
+least idea you were like _that_.
+
+_Ed._ Like that! Good Heavens. ANGIE, am I in the habit of making
+hideous grimaces before a looking-glass? Do you suppose I am
+given to over-indulgence in cod-liver oil and whatever the other
+beastliness was? Am I acrobatic in my calmer moments? Did you ever
+know me sing--with or without a broom? I'm a shy man by nature
+(_pathetically_), more shy than you _think_, perhaps,--and in my
+normal condition, I should be the last person to prance about in a
+gauze skirt for the amusement of a couple of hundred idiots? I don't
+believe I did, either!
+
+_Ang._ (_impressed by his evident sincerity_). But you said you knew
+what you were about all the time!
+
+_Ed._ I thought so, then. Now--well, hang it, I suppose there's more
+in this infernal Mesmerism than I fancied. There, it's no use talking
+about it--it's done. You--you won't mind shaking hands before I go,
+will you? Just for the last time?
+
+_Ang._ (_alarmed_). Why--where are you going?
+
+_Ed._ (_desperate_). Anywhere--go out and start on a _ranche_, or
+something, or join the Colonial Police force. Anything's better than
+staying on here after the stupendous ass I've made of myself!
+
+_Ang._ But--but, EDWIN, I daresay nobody _noticed_ it much.
+
+_Ed._ According to you, I must have been a pretty conspicuous object.
+
+_Ang._ Yes--only, you see, I--I daresay they'd only think you were
+a confederate or something--no, I don't mean that--but, after all,
+indeed you didn't make such _very_ awful faces. I--I _liked_ some of
+them!
+
+_Ed._ (_incredulously_). But you said they haunted you--and then the
+oil, and the somersaults, and the ballet-dancing. No, it's no use,
+ANGELINA, I can see you'll never get over this. It's better to part
+and have done with it!
+
+_Ang._ (_gradually retracting_). Oh, but listen. I--I didn't mean
+quite all I said just now. I mixed things up. It was really whiskey
+he gave you, only he _said_ it was paraffin, and so you wouldn't drink
+it, and you _did_ sing, but it was only about some place where an old
+horse died, and it was somebody else who had the broom! And you didn't
+dance nearly so much as the others, and--and whatever you did, you
+were never in the least ridiculous. (_Earnestly_). You weren't,
+_really_, EDWIN!
+
+_Ed._ (_relieved_). Well. I thought you must have been exaggerating a
+little. Why, look here, for all you know, you may have been mistaking
+somebody else for me all the time--don't you see?
+
+_Ang._ I--I am almost sure I did, now. Yes, why, of course--how stupid
+I have been! It was someone very like you--not you at all!
+
+_Ed._ (_resentfully_). Well, I must say, ANGELINA, that to give a
+fellow a fright like this, all for nothing--
+
+_Ang._ Yes--yes, it was all for nothing, it was so silly of me.
+Forgive me, EDWIN, please!
+
+_Ed._ (_still aggrieved_). I know for a fact that I didn't so much as
+leave my chair, and to say I _danced_, ANGELINA!
+
+_Ang._ (_eagerly_). But I _don't_. I remember now, you sat perfectly
+still the whole time, he--he said he could do nothing with you, don't
+you recollect? (_Aside._) Oh, what stories I'm telling!
+
+_Ed._ (_with recovered dignity_). Of course I recollect--perfectly.
+Well, ANGELINA, I'm not _annoyed_, of course, darling; but another
+time, you should really try to observe more closely what _is_ done and
+who _does_ it--before making all this fuss about nothing.
+
+_Ang._ But you won't go and be mesmerised again, EDWIN--not after
+this?
+
+_Ed._ Well, you see, as I always said, it hasn't the slightest effect
+on me. But from what I observed, I am perfectly satisfied that
+the whole thing is a fraud. All those other fellows were obviously
+accomplices, or they'd never have gone through such absurd
+antics--would they now?
+
+_Ang._ (_meekly_). No, dear, of course not. But don't let's talk any
+more about it. There are so many things it's no use trying to explain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW IT'S DONE.
+
+(_A HAND-BOOK TO HONESTY._)
+
+NO. VII.--SELLING A HORSE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    SCENE I.--_A Horse-Sale. Inexperienced Person, in search of a
+    cheap but sound animal for business purposes, looking on in
+    a nervous and undecided manner, half tempted to bid for the
+    horse at present under the hammer. To him approaches a grave
+    and closely-shaven personage, in black garments, of clerical
+    cut, a dirty-white tie, and a crush felt hat._
+
+_Clerical Gent_. They are running that flea-bitten grey up pretty
+well, are they not. Sir?
+
+_Inexperienced Person_. Ahem! ye-es, I suppose they are. I--er--was
+half thinking of bidding myself, but it's going a bit beyond me, I
+fear.
+
+_C.G._ Ah, plant, Sir--to speak the language of these horsey
+vulgarians--a regular plant! You are better out of it, believe me.
+
+_I.P._ _In_-deed! You don't say so?
+
+_C.G._ (_sighing_). Only too true. Sir. Why--(_in a gush of
+confidence_)--look at my own case. Being obliged to leave the country,
+and give up my carriage, I put my horse into this sale, at a _very_
+low reserve of twenty pounds. (_Entre nous_, it's worth at least
+double that.) Between the Auctioneer, and a couple of rascally
+horse-dealers--who I found out, by pure accident, wanted my animal
+particularly _for a match pair_--the sale of my horse is what _they_
+call "bunnicked up." _Then_ they come to me, and offer me money. I
+spot their game, and am so indignant that I'll have nothing to do with
+them, at _any_ price. Wouldn't sell dear old _Bogey_, whom my wife
+and children are so fond of, to such brutal blackguards, on _any_
+consideration. No, Sir, the horse has done me good service--a sounder
+nag never walked on four hoofs; and I'd rather sell it to a good,
+kind master, for twenty pounds, aye, or even eighteen, than let these
+rascals have it, though they _have_ run up as high as thirty q----,
+ahem! guineas.
+
+_I.P._ Have they indeed, now? And what have you done with the horse?
+
+_C.G._ Put it into livery close by, Sir. And, unless I can find a good
+master for it, by Jove, I'll take it back again, and _give it away to
+a friend_. Perhaps, Sir, you'd like to have a look at the animal. The
+stables are only in the next street, and--as a friend, and with no
+eye to business--I should be pleased to show poor _Bogey_ to anyone so
+sympathetic as yourself.
+
+    [_I.P., after some further chat of a friendly nature, agrees
+    to go and "run his eye over him."_
+
+    SCENE II.--_Greengrocer's yard at side of a seedy house in a
+    shabby street, slimy and straw-bestrewn. Yard is paved with
+    lumpy, irregular cobbles, and some sooty and shaky-looking
+    sheds stand at the bottom thereof. Enter together, Clerical
+    Gent and Inexperienced Person._
+
+_C.G._ (_smiling apologetically_). Not exactly palatial premises for
+an animal used to _my_ stables at Wickham-in-the-Wold! But I know
+these people, Sir; they are kind as Christians, and as honest as
+the day. Hoy! TOM! TOM!! TOM!!! Are you there, TOM? [_From the shed
+emerges a very small boy with very short hair, and a very long livery,
+several sizes too large for him, the tail of the brass-buttoned coat
+and the bottoms of the baggy trousers alike sweeping the cobbles as
+he shambles forward_]. (_C.G. genially_.) Ah, there you are, TOM, my
+lad. Bring out dear old _Bogey_, and show it to my friend here. [_Boy
+leads out a rusty roan Rosinante, high in bone, and low in flesh,
+with prominent hocks, and splay hoofs, which stumble gingerly over the
+cobbles._] (_Patting the horse affectionately._) Ah, poor old _Bogey_,
+he doesn't like these lumpy stones, does he? Not used to them, Sir.
+My stable-yard at Wickham-in-the-Wold, is as smoothly paved as--as the
+Alhambra, Sir. I always _consider_ my animals, Sir. A merciful man is
+merciful to his beast, as the good book says. But _isn't_ he a Beauty?
+
+_I.P._ Well--ahem!--ye-es; he looks a kind, gentle, steady sort of a
+creature. But--ahem!--what's the matter with his knees?
+
+_C.G._ Oh, nothing, Sir, nothing at all. Only a habit he has got
+_along of kind treatment_. Like us when we "stand at ease," you know,
+a bit baggy, that's all. You should see him after a twenty miles
+spin along our Wickham roads, when my wife and I are doing a round
+of visits among the neighbouring gentry. Ah, _Bogey, Bogey_, old
+boy--_kissing his nose_--I don't know what Mrs. G. and the girls will
+say when they hear I've parted with you--if I do, _if_ I do.
+
+    _Enter two horsey-looking Men as though in search of
+    something._
+
+_First Horsey Man_. Ah, here you are. Well, look 'ere, are you going
+to take Thirty Pounds for that horse o' yourn? Yes or No!
+
+_C.G._ (_turning upon them with dignity_). _No_, Sir; most
+emphatically _No!_ I've told you before I will not sell him to you
+at _any_ price. Have the goodness to leave us--_at once_, I'm engaged
+with my friend here.
+
+    [_Horsey Men turn away despondently. Enter hurriedly, a
+    shabby-looking Groom._
+
+_Groom_. Oh, look here, Mister--er--er--wot's yer name? His
+Lordship wants to know whether you'll take his offer of Thirty-five
+Pounds--_or_ Guineas--for that roan. He wouldn't offer as much, only
+it happens jest to match--
+
+_C.G._ (_with great decisiveness_). Inform his Lordship, with my
+compliments, that I regret to be entirely unable to entertain his
+proposition.
+
+_Groom_. Oh, _very_ well. But I wish you'd jest step out and tell his
+Lordship so yerself. He's jest round the corner at the 'otel entrance,
+a flicking of his boots, as irritated as a blue-bottle caught in a
+cowcumber frame.
+
+_C.G._ Oh, _certainly_, with pleasure. (_To I.P._) If you'll excuse
+me, Sir, just one moment, I'll step out and speak to his Lordship.
+
+    [_Exit, followed by_ Groom.
+
+_Horsey Person_ (_making a rush at I.P. as soon as C.G. has
+disappeared, speaking in a breathless hurry_). Now lookye here,
+guv'nor--sharp's the word! He'll be back in arf a jiff. _You buy that
+'oss!_ He won't sell it to _us_, bust 'im; but you've got 'im in a
+string, you 'ave. He'll sell it to _you_ for eighteen quid--p'raps
+sixteen. _Buy_ it, Sir, buy it! We'll be outside, by the pub at the
+corner, my pal and me, and--(_producing notes_)--we'll take it off
+you agen for _thirty pounds_, and glad o' the charnce. We want it
+pertikler, we do, and you can 'elp us, and put ten quid in your own
+pocket too as easy as be blowed. Ah! here he is! Mum's the word! Round
+the corner by the pub! [_Exeunt hurriedly._
+
+_Clerical Gent_ (_blandly_). Ah! _that's_ settled. His Lordship was
+angry, but I was firm. Take _Bogey_ back to the stable, TOM--_unless_,
+of course--(_looking significantly at Inexperienced Person_).
+
+_Inexperienced Person_ (_hesitating_). Well, I'm not sure but what the
+animal would suit me, and--ahem!--if you care to trust it to me--
+
+_Clerical Gent_ (_joyously_). Trust it to _you_, Sir? Why, with
+pleasure, with every confidence. Dear old _Bogey_! He'll be happy
+with such a master--ah, and do him service too. I tell you, Sir, that
+horse, to a quiet, considerate sort o' gent like yourself, who wants
+to _work_ his animal, not to wear it out, is worth forty pound, every
+penny of it--and cheap at the price!
+
+_I.P._ Thanks! And--ah--what _is_ the figure?
+
+_C.G._ Why--ah--eighteen--no, dash it!--sixteen _to you_, and say no
+more about it.
+
+    [_Inexperienced Person closes with the offer, hands notes
+    to Clerical Gent (who, under pressure of business, hurries
+    off), takes Bogey from the grinning groom-lad, leads
+    him--with difficulty--out into the street, searches vainly for
+    the two horsey Men, who, like "his Lordship," have utterly
+    and finally disappeared, and finds himself left alone in a
+    bye-thoroughfare with a "horse," which he cannot get along
+    anyhow, and which he is presently glad to part with to a
+    knacker for thirty shillings._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN.
+
+_Hired Waiter_ (_handling the liqueurs_). "_PLEASE_, SIR, _DON'T_ MAKE
+ME LAUGH--I SHALL SPILL 'EM ALL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WRITE AND WRONG.
+
+As so many private letters are sold at public sales nowadays, it has
+become necessary to consider the purport of every epistle regarded,
+so to speak, from a _post-mortem_ point of view. If a public man
+expresses a confidential opinion in the fulness of his heart to
+an intimate friend, or proposes an act of charity to a cherished
+relative, he may rest assured that, sooner or later, both
+communications will be published to an unsympathetic and
+autograph-hunting world. Under these circumstances it may be well
+to answer the simplest communications in the most guarded manner
+possible. For instance, a reply to a tender of hospitality might run
+as follows:--
+
+    _Private and Confidential. Not negotiable._
+
+Mr. DASH BLANK has much pleasure in accepting Mr. BLANK DASH's
+invitation to dinner on the 8th inst.
+
+_N.B.--This letter is the property of the Writer. Not for publication.
+All rights reserved._
+
+Or, if the writer feels that his letter, if it gets into the hands
+of the executors, will be sold, he must adopt another plan. It will
+be then his object to so mix up abuse of the possible vendors with
+ordinary matter, that they (the possible vendors) may shrink, after
+the death of the recipient, from making their own condemnation
+public. The following may serve as a model for a communication of this
+character. The words printed in italics in the body of the letter
+are the antidotal abuse introduced to prevent a posthumous sale by
+possible executors.
+
+_Private and Confidential. Not to be published. Signature a forgery._
+
+    DEAR OLD MAN,--I nearly completed my book. _Your nephew,
+    TOM LESLEIGH, is an ass._ My wife is slowly recovering from
+    influenza. _Your Aunt, JANE JENKINS, wears a wig._ TOMMY,
+    you will be glad to learn, has come out first of twenty in
+    his new class at school. _Your Uncle, BENJAMIN GRAHAM, is a
+    twaddling old bore._ I am thinking of spending the Midsummer
+    holidays with the boys and their mother at Broadstairs. _Your
+    Cousin, JACK JUGGERLY, is a sweep that doesn't belong to a
+    single respectable Club._ Trusting that you will burn this
+    letter, to prevent its sale after we are gone,
+
+    I remain, yours affectionately,
+
+    BOBBY.
+
+_N.B.--The foregoing letter is the property of the Author, and, as
+it is only intended for private circulation, must not be printed.
+Solicitors address,--Ely Place_.
+
+But perhaps the best plan will be, not to write at all. The telegraph,
+at the end of the century, costs but a halfpenny a word, and we seem
+to be within measurable distance of the universal adoption of the
+telephone. Under these circumstances, it is easy to take heed of the
+warning contained in that classical puzzle of our childhood, _Litera
+scripta manet_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION OF TASTE.
+
+_Mr. Punch_. Well, Madam, what can I do for you?
+
+_Female_ (_of Uncertain Age, gushingly_). A very great favour, my dear
+Sir; it is a matter of sanitation.
+
+_Mr. P._ (_coldly_). I am at your service, Madam, but I would remind
+you that I have no time to listen to frivolous complaints.
+
+_Fem._ I would ask you--do you think that a building open to the
+public should be crowded with double as many persons as it can
+conveniently hold?
+
+_Mr. P._ Depends upon circumstances, Madam. It might possibly
+be excusable in a Church, assuming that the means of egress were
+sufficient. Of what building do you wish to complain?
+
+_Fem._ Of the Old Bailey--you know, the Central Criminal Court.
+
+_Mr. P._ Have you to object to the accommodation afforded you in the
+Dock?
+
+_Fem._ _I_ was not in the Dock!
+
+_Mr. P._ (_dryly_). That is the only place (when not in the
+Witness-Box) suitable for women at the Old Bailey. I cannot imagine
+that they would go to that unhappy spot of their own free will.
+
+_Fem._ (_astonished_). Not to see a Murder trial? Then you are
+evidently unaccustomed to ladies' society.
+
+_Mr. P._ (_severely_). I do not meet _ladies_ at the Old Bailey.
+
+_Fem._ (_bridling up_). Indeed! But that is nothing to do with the
+matter of the overcrowding. Fancy, with our boasted civilisation--I
+was _half_ stifled!
+
+_Mr. P._ It is a pity, with our boasted civilisation, that you were
+not stifled--_quite!_ (_Severely._) You can go!
+
+    [_The Female retires, with an expression worthy of her proper
+    place--the Chamber of Horrors!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN DIFFICULTIES!
+
+Distressed Hibernia. "If your tandem leader turns vicious, and kicks
+over the traces,--where are you?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TAKING IT COOLLY.
+
+_Old Gent_ (_out for a quiet ride with the Devon and Somerset_).
+"CONFOUND THESE HARD-RIDING YOUNG RASCALS, THEY'LL BE SMASHING MY HAT
+ONE OF THESE DAYS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NONOGENARIAN NONSENSE.
+
+(_COMPILED À LA MODE._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I have so often been urged by my friends to write my autobiography,
+that at length I have taken up my pen to comply with their wishes. My
+memory, although I may occasionally become slightly mixed, is still
+excellent, and having been born in the first year of the present
+century I consequently can remember both the Plague and Fire of
+London. The latter is memorable to me as having been the cause of my
+introduction to Sir CHRISTOPHER WREN, an architect of some note, and
+an intimate friend of Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS, and the late Mr. TURNER,
+R.A. Sir CHRISTOPHER had but one failing--he was never sober. To the
+day of his death he was under the impression that St. Paul's was St.
+Peter's!
+
+One of my earliest recollections is the great physician HARVEY, who,
+indeed, knew me from my birth. Although an exceedingly able man,
+he was a confirmed glutton. He would at the most ceremonious of
+dinner-parties push his way through the guests (treating ladies and
+gentlemen with the like discourtesy) and plumping himself down in
+front of the turtle soup, would help himself to the entire contents of
+the tureen, plus the green fat! During the last years of his life he
+abandoned medicine to give his attention to cookery, and (so I have
+been told) ultimately invented a fish sauce!
+
+I knew HOWARD, the so-called philanthropist, very well. He was
+particularly fond of dress, although extremely economical in his
+washing bill. It was his delight to visit the various prisons and
+obtain a hideous pleasure in watching the tortures of the poor
+wretches therein incarcerated. He was fined and imprisoned for
+ill-treating a cat, if my memory does not play me false. I have been
+told that he once stole a pockethandkerchief, but at this distance of
+time cannot remember where I heard the story.
+
+It is one of my proudest recollections that, in early youth, I had
+the honour of being presented to her late most gracious Majesty, Queen
+ANNE, of glorious memory. The drawing-room was held at Buckingham
+Palace, which in those days was situated on the site now occupied
+by Marlborough House. I accompanied my mother, who wore, I remember,
+yellow brocade, and a wreath of red roses, without feathers. Round
+the throne were grouped--the Duke of MARLBOROUGH (who kept in the
+background because he had just been defeated at Fontenoy), Lord
+PALMERSTON, nick-named "Cupid" by Mistress NELL GWYNNE (a well-known
+Court beauty), Mr. GARRICK, and Signor GRIMALDI, two Actors of repute,
+and Cardinal WISEMAN, the Papal Nuncio. Her Majesty was most gracious
+to me, and introduced me to one of her predecessors, Queen ELIZABETH,
+a reputed daughter of King HENRY THE EIGHTH. Both Ladies laughed
+heartily at my curls, which in those days were more plentiful than
+they are now. I was rather alarmed at their lurching forward as I
+passed them, but was reassured when the Earl of ROCHESTER (the Lord
+Chamberlain) whispered in my ear that the Royal relatives had been
+lunching. As I left the presence, I noticed that both their Majesties
+were fast asleep.
+
+I have just mentioned Lord ROCHESTER, whose acquaintance I had the
+honour to possess. He was extremely austere, and very much disliked by
+the fair sex. On one occasion it was my privilege to clean his shoes.
+He had but one failing--he habitually cheated at cards. I will now
+tell a few stories of the like character about Bishop WILBERFORCE,
+THACKERAY, Mrs. FRY, PEABODY, WALTER SCOTT, and Father MATTHEW.
+
+    [No you don't, my venerable twaddler!--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LARGE CIGAR.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  You lie on the oaken mantle-shelf,
+    A cigar of high degree,
+  An old cigar, a large cigar,
+    A cigar that was given to me.
+  The house-flies bite you day by day--
+    Bite you, and kick, and sigh--
+  And I do not know what the insects say,
+    But they creep away and die.
+
+  My friends they take you gently up,
+    And lay you gently down;
+  They never saw a weed so big,
+    Or quite so deadly brown.
+  They, as a rule, smoke anything
+    They pick up free of charge;
+  But they leave you to rest while the bulbuls sing
+    Through the night, my own, my large!
+
+  The dust lies thick on your bloated form,
+    And the year draws to its close,
+  And the baccy-jar's been emptied--by
+    My laundress, I suppose.
+  Smokeless and hopeless, with reeling brain,
+    I turn to the oaken shelf,
+  And take you down, while my hot tears rain,
+    And smoke you, you brute, myself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PARNELL'S PARLIAMENTARY PUPPETS. THE STRINGS IN A
+TANGLE!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M.C.C. GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY.
+
+"Sir EDWARD WATKIN proposes to construct a Railway passing through
+Lord's Cricket Ground."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, December 1._--Tithes Bill down for Second
+Reading. GRAND YOUNG GARDNER places Amendment on the paper, which
+secures for him opportunity of making a speech. Having availed
+himself of this, did not move his Amendment; opening thus made for
+STUART-RENDEL, who had another Amendment on the paper. Would he move
+it? Only excitement of Debate settled round this point. Under good
+old Tory Government new things in Parliamentary procedure constantly
+achieved. Supposing half-a-dozen Members got together, drew up a
+number of Amendments, then ballot for precedence, they might arrange
+Debate without interposition of SPEAKER. First man gets off his
+speech, omits to move Amendment: second would come on, and so on, on
+to the end of list. But STUART-RENDEL moved Amendment, and on this
+Debate turned.
+
+[Illustration: Osborne Ap Morgan.]
+
+Not very lively affair, regarded as reflex of passionate protestation
+of angry little Wales. OSBORNE AP MORGAN made capital speech, but few
+remained to listen. Welshmen at outset meant to carry Debate over to
+next day; couldn't be done; and by half-past eleven, STUART-RENDEL's
+Amendment negatived by rattling majority.
+
+Fact is, gallant little Wales was swamped by irruptive Ireland.
+To-day, first meeting of actual Home Rule Parliament held, and
+everybody watching its course. This historic meeting gathered in
+Committee-room No. 15; question purely one of Home Rule; decided,
+after some deliberation, that, in order to have proceedings in due
+dramatic form, there should be incorporated with the meeting an
+eviction scene. After prolonged Debate, concluded that, to do the
+thing thoroughly, they should select PARNELL as subject of eviction.
+
+"No use," TIM HEALY said, "in half-doing the thing. The eyes of the
+Universe are fixed upon us. Let us give them a show for their money."
+
+PARNELL, at first, demurred; took exception on the ground that, as
+he had no fixed place of residence, he was not convenient subject
+for eviction; objection over-ruled; then PARNELL insisted that, if
+he yielded on this point, he must preside over proceedings. TIM and
+the rest urged that it was not usual, when a man's conduct is under
+consideration upon a grave charge, that he should take the Chair.
+Drawing upon the resources of personal observation, Dr. TANNER
+remarked that he did not remember any case in which the holder of
+a tenure, suffering process of eviction, bossed the concern, acting
+simultaneously, as it were, as the subject of the eviction process,
+and the resident Magistrate.
+
+Whilst conversation going on, PARNELL had unobserved taken the Chair,
+and now ruled Dr. TANNER out of order.
+
+House sat at Twelve o'Clock; at One the Speaker (Mr. PARNELL),
+interrupting SEXTON in passage of passionate eloquence, said he
+thought this would be convenient opportunity for going out to his
+chop. So he went off; Debate interrupted for an hour; resumed at One,
+and continued, with brief intervals for refreshment, up till close
+upon midnight. Proceedings conducted with closed doors, but along the
+corridor, from time to time, rolled echoes which seemed to indicate
+that the first meeting of the Home-Rule Parliament was not lacking
+inanimation.
+
+"I think they _are_ a little 'eated, Sir," said the policeman on duty
+outside. "Man and boy I've been in charge of this beat for twenty
+years; usually a quiet spot; this sudden row rather trying for one
+getting up in years. Do you think, Sir, that, seeing it's an eviction,
+the Police can under the Act claim Compensation for Disturbance?"
+
+Promised to put question on subject to JOKIM.
+
+Long dispute on point of order raised by NOLAN. TIM HEALY referring
+to difficulty of dislodging PARNELL, alluded to him as "Sitting Bull."
+Clamour from Parnellite section anxious for preservation of decency
+of debate. Speaker said, question most important. Irish Parliament
+in its infancy; above all things essential they should well consider
+precedents. Must reserve decision as to whether the phrase was
+Parliamentary; would suggest, therefore, that House should adjourn
+five weeks. On this point Debate proceeded up to midnight.
+
+_Business done_.--In British Parliament Tithes Bill read a Second
+Time; in Irish (which sat four hours longer), None.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Cork Parliament still sitting upstairs in Committee Room
+No. 15, debating question of adjournment. We hear them occasionally
+through open doors and down long corridor. Once a tremendous yell
+shook building.
+
+[Illustration: Caleb Balder(Glad)stone finding all that was left of
+the lost Leader, P-rn-ll.]
+
+"What's that?" I asked DICK POWER, who happened to be taking glass of
+sherry-wine at Bar in Lobby.
+
+"That," said RICHARD, "is the Irish wolves crying for the blood of
+PARNELL," and DICK, tossing down his sherry-wine, as if he had a
+personal quarrel with it, hurried back to the shambles.
+
+Quite a changed man! No longer the _débonnaire_ DICK, whose light
+heart and high spirits made him a favourite everywhere. Politics have
+suddenly become a serious thing, and DICK POWER is saddened with them.
+
+"I take bitters with my sherry-wine now," DICK mentioned just now in
+sort of apologetic way at having been discovered, as it were, feasting
+in the house of mourning. "At the present sad juncture, to drink
+sherry-wine with all its untamed richness might, I feel, smack of
+callousness. Therefore I tell the man to dash it with bitters, which,
+whilst it has a penitential sound, adds a not untoothsome flavour in
+anticipation of dinner."
+
+Even with this small comfort ten years added to his age; grey hairs
+gleam among his hyacinthine locks; his back is bent; his shoes are
+clogged with lead. A sad sight; makes one wish the pitiful business
+was over, and RICHARD himself again.
+
+All the best of the Irish Members, whether Cavaliers or Cromwellians,
+are depressed in same way. Came upon SWIFT MacNEILL in retired
+recess in Library this afternoon; standing up with right hand in
+trouser-pocket, and left hand extended (his favourite oratorical
+attitude in happier times) smiling in really violent fashion.
+
+"What are you playing at?" I asked him, noticing with curiosity that
+whilst his mouth was, so to speak, wreathed in smiles, a tear dewed
+the fringe of his closed eyelids.
+
+"Ah, TOBY, is that you?" he said, "I didn't see you coming. The fact
+is I came over here by myself to have me last smile."
+
+"Well, you're making the most of it," I said, wishing to encourage
+him.
+
+[Illustration: The Last Smile.]
+
+"I generally do, and as this is me last, I'm not stinting measurement.
+They're sad times we've fallen on. Just when it seemed victory was
+within our grasp it is snatched away, and we are, as one may say,
+flung on the dunghill amid the wreck of our country's hopes and
+aspirations. This is not a time to make merry. Me country's ruined,
+and SWIFT MacNEILL smiles no more."
+
+With that he shut up his jaws with a snap, and strode off. I'm sorry
+he should take the matter to heart so seriously. We shall miss that
+smile.
+
+_Business done_.--Irish Land Bill in British Parliament. Cork
+Parliament still sitting.
+
+_Thursday_.--Cork Parliament still sitting; PARNELL predominant;
+issues getting a little mixed; understood that Session summoned to
+decide whether, in view of certain proceedings before Mr. Justice
+BUTT, PARNELL should be permitted to retain Leadership. Everything
+been discussed but that. Things got so muddled up, that O'KEEFE,
+walking about, bowed with anxious thought, not quite certain whether
+it is TIM HEALY, SEXTON, or JUSTIN McCARTHY, who was involved in
+recent Divorce suit. Certainly, it couldn't have been PARNELL, who
+to-day suggests that the opportunity is fitting for putting Mr. G.
+in a tight place.
+
+[Illustration: Weighed down with Thought.]
+
+"You go to him," says PARNELL, "and demand certain pledges on Home
+Rule scheme. If he does not consent, he will be in a hole; threatened
+with loss of Irish Vote. You will be in a dilemma, as you cannot then
+side with him against me, the real friend of Ireland; whilst I shall
+be confirmed in my position as the only possible Leader of the Party.
+If, on the contrary, this unrivalled sophist is drawn into anything
+like a declaration that will satisfy you in the face of the Irish
+People, he will be hopelessly embarrassed with his English friends;
+I shall have paid off an old score, and can afford to retire from the
+Leadership, certain that in a few months the Irish People will clamour
+for the return of the man who showed that, if only he could serve
+them, he was ready to sacrifice his personal position and advantages.
+Don't, Gentlemen, let us, at a crisis like this, descend to topics of
+mere personality. In spite of what has passed at this table, I should
+like to shield my honourable friends, Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, Mr. SEXTON,
+and that _beau idéal_ of an Irish Member, Mr. JUSTIN McCARTHY,
+from references, of a kind peculiarly painful to them, to certain
+proceedings in a court of law with respect to which I will, before I
+sit down, say this, that, if all the facts were known, they would be
+held absolutely free from imputation of irregularity."
+
+General cheering greeted this speech. Members shook hands all round,
+and nominated Committee to go off and make things hot for Mr. G.
+_Business done_.--In British House Prince ARTHUR expounded Scheme for
+Relief of Irish Distress.
+
+_Friday_.--A dark shadow falls on House to-day. Mrs. PEEL died this
+morning, and our SPEAKER sits by a lonely hearth, OLD MORALITY, in his
+very best style, speaking with the simple language of a kind heart,
+voices the prevalent feeling. Mr. G., always at his best on these
+occasions, adds some words, though, as he finely says, any expression
+of sympathy is but inadequate medicine for so severe a hurt. Members
+reverently uncover whilst these brief speeches are made. That is a
+movement shown only when a Royal Message is read; and here is mention
+of a Message from the greatest and final King. Mrs. PEEL, though the
+wife of the First Commoner in the land, was not _une grande dame_. She
+was a kindly, homely lady, of unaffected manner, with keen sympathies
+for all that was bright and good. Every Member feels that something is
+lost to the House of Commons now that she lies still in her chamber at
+Speaker's Court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DRAMA ON CRUTCHES.--A Mr. GREIN has suggested, according to some
+Friday notes in the _D.T._, a scheme for subsidising a theatre and
+founding a Dramatic School. The latter, apparently, is not to aid the
+healthy but the decrepit drama, as it is intended "to afford succour
+to old or disabled actors and actresses." Why then call it a "Dramatic
+School?" Better style it, a "Dramatic-Second-Infancy-School."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEATH IN THE FIELD.--If things go on as they have been going lately,
+the statisticians who compile the "Public Health" averages will have
+to include, as one important item in their "Death Rates," the ravages
+of that annual epidemic popularly known as--Football!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"JUSTICE FOR IRELAND!"--The contest on the Chairmanship of the Irish
+Parliamentary Party may be summed up:--PARNELL--Just out, McCARTHY
+Just in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case
+be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+99., December 13, 1890, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12905 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12905 ***</div>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 99.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>December 13, 1890.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page277"
+       id="page277"></a>[pg 277]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. IX.&mdash;THE CURSE OF COGNAC.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>(<i>By</i> WATER DECANT, <i>Author of "Chaplin off his
+        Feet," "All Sorts of Editions for Men," "The Nuns in
+        Dilemma," "The Cream he Tried," "Blue-the-Money
+        Naughty-boy," "The Silver Gutter-Snipe," "All for a Farden
+        Fare," "The Roley Hose," "Caramel of Stickinesse," &amp;c.,
+        &amp;c., &amp;c.</i>)</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Of this story the Author writes to us as
+        follows:&mdash;"I can honestly recommend it, as calculated
+        to lower the exaggerated cheerfulness which is apt to
+        prevail at Christmas time. I consider it, therefore, to be
+        eminently suited for a Christmas Annual. Families are
+        advised to read it in detachments of four or five at a
+        time. Married men who owe their wives' mothers a grudge
+        should lock them into a bare room, with a guttering candle
+        and this story. Death will be certain and not painless.
+        I've got one or two rods in pickle for the publishers. You
+        wait and see.&mdash;W.D."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/277.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/277.png"
+             alt="George Ginsling and the Devil." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>GEORGE GINSLING was alone in his College-rooms at Cambridge.
+    His friends had just left him. They were quite the tip-top set
+    in Christ's College, and the ashes of the cigarettes they had
+    been smoking lay about the rich Axminster carpet. They had been
+    talking about many things, as is the wont of young men, and one
+    of them had particularly bothered GEORGE by asking him why he
+    had refused a seat in the University Trial Eights after rowing
+    No. 5 in his College boat. GEORGE had no answer ready, and had
+    replied angrily. Now, he thought of many answers. This made him
+    nervous. He paced quickly up and down the deserted room,
+    sipping his seventh tumbler of brandy, as he walked. It was his
+    invariable custom to drink seven tumblers of neat brandy every
+    night to steady himself, and his College career had, in
+    consequence, been quite unexceptionable up to the present
+    moment. He used playfully to remind his Dean of PORSON's
+    drunken epigram, and the good man always accepted this as an
+    excuse for any false quantities in GEORGE's Greek Iambics. But
+    to-night, as I have said, GEORGE was nervous with a strange
+    nervousness, and he, therefore, went to bed, having previously
+    blown out his candle and placed his Waterbury watch under his
+    pillow, on the top of which sat a Devil wearing a thick jersey
+    worked with large green spots on a yellow ground.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4>
+
+    <p>Now this Devil was a Water-Devil of the most pronounced
+    type. His head-quarters were on the Thames at Barking, where
+    there is a sewage outfall, and he had lately established a
+    branch-office on the Cam, where he did a considerable
+    business.</p>
+
+    <p>Occasionally, he would run down to Cambridge himself, to
+    consult with his manager, and on these occasions he would
+    indulge his playful humour by going out at night and sitting on
+    the pillows of Undergraduates.</p>
+
+    <p>This was one of his nights out, and he had chosen GEORGE
+    GINSLING's pillow as his seat.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>GEORGE woke up with a start. What was this feeling in his
+    throat? Had he swallowed his blanket, or his cocoa-nut matting?
+    No, they were still in their respective places. He tore out his
+    tongue and his tonsils, and examined them. They were on fire.
+    This puzzled him. He replaced them. As he did so, a shower of
+    red-hot coppers fell from his mouth on to his feet. The agony
+    was awful. He howled, and danced about the room. Then he dashed
+    at the whiskey, but the bottle ducked as he approached, and he
+    failed to tackle it. Poor GEORGE, you see, was a rowing-man,
+    not a football-player. Then he knew what he wanted. In his
+    keeping-room were six <i>carafes</i>, full of Cambridge water,
+    and a dozen bottles of Hunyádi Janos. He rushed in, and hurled
+    himself upon the bottles with all his weight. The crash was
+    dreadful. The foreign bottles, being poor, frail things, broke
+    at once. He lapped up the liquid like a thirsty dog. The
+    <i>carafes</i> survived. He crammed them with their awful
+    contents, one after another, down his throat. Then he returned
+    to his bed-room, seized his jug, and emptied it at one gulp.
+    His bath was full. He lifted it in one hand, and drained it as
+    dry as a University sermon. The thirst compelled
+    him&mdash;drove him&mdash;made him&mdash;urged him&mdash;lashed
+    him&mdash;forced him&mdash;shoved him&mdash;goaded him&mdash;to
+    drink, drink, drink water, water, water! At last he was
+    appeased. He had cried bitterly, and drunk up all his tears. He
+    fell back on his bed, and slept for twenty-four hours, and the
+    Devil went out and gave his gyp, STARLING, a complete set of
+    instructions for use in case of flood.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4>
+
+    <p>STARLING was a pale, greasy man. He was a devil of a gyp. He
+    went into GEORGE's bed-room and shook his master by the
+    shoulder. GEORGE woke up.</p>
+
+    <p>"Bring me the College pump," he said. "I must have it. No,
+    stay," he continued, as STARLING prepared to execute his
+    orders, "a hair of the dog&mdash;bring it, quick, quick!"</p>
+
+    <p>STARLING gave him three. He always carried them about with
+    him in case of accidents. GEORGE devoured them eagerly,
+    recklessly. Then with a deep sigh of relief, he went stark
+    staring mad, and bit STARLING in the fleshy part of the thigh,
+    after which he fell fast asleep again. On awaking, he took his
+    name off the College books, gave STARLING a cheque for £5000,
+    broke off his engagement, but forgot to post the letter, and
+    consulted a Doctor.</p>
+
+    <p>"What you want," said the Doctor, "is to be shut up for a
+    year in the tap-room of a public-house. No water, only spirits.
+    That must cure you."</p>
+
+    <p>So GEORGE ordered STARLING to hire a public-house in a
+    populous district. When this was done, he went and lived there.
+    But you scarcely need to be told that STARLING had not carried
+    out his orders. How could he be expected to do that? Only
+    fifty-six pages of my book had been written, and even
+    publishers&mdash;the most abandoned people on the face of the
+    earth&mdash;know that that amount won't make a Christmas
+    Annual. So STARLING hired a Temperance Hotel. As I have said,
+    he was a devil of a gyp.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4>
+
+    <p>The fact was this. One of GEORGE's great-great uncles had
+    held a commission in the Blue Ribbon Army. GEORGE remembered
+    this too late. The offer of a seat in the University Trial
+    Eights must have suggested the blue ribbon which the University
+    Crew wear on their straw hats. Thus the diabolical forces of
+    heredity were roused to fever-heat, and the great-great uncle,
+    with his blue ribbon, whose photograph hung in GEORGE's home
+    over the parlour mantelpiece, became a living force in GEORGE's
+    brain.</p>
+
+    <p>GEORGE GINSLING went and lived in a suburban neighbourhood.
+    It was useless. He married a sweet girl with various spiteful
+    relations. In vain. He changed his name to PUMPDRY, and
+    conducted a local newspaper. Profitless striving. STARLING was
+    always at hand, always ready with the patent filter, and as
+    punctual in his appearances as the washing-bill or the East
+    wind. I repeat, he was a devil of a gyp.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4>
+
+    <p>They found GEORGE GINSLING feet uppermost in six inches of
+    water in the Daffodil Road reservoir. It was a large reservoir,
+    and had been quite full before GEORGE began upon it. This was
+    his record drink, and it killed him. His last words were, "If I
+    had stuck to whiskey, this would never have happened."</p>
+
+    <center>
+        THE END.
+    </center>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"IT IS THE BOGIE MAN!"&mdash;BLACKIE'S <i>Modern
+    Cyclopedia</i>. Nothing to do with the Christy Minstrel
+    Entertainment, but a very useful work of reference, issued from
+    the ancient house of publishers which is now quite BLACKIE with
+    age. We have looked through the "B's" for "Bogie," but "The
+    Bogie Man" is "Not there, not there, my child!" but he is to be
+    found in that other BLACKIE's collection at the St. James's
+    Hall, which Bogie Man is said to be the original of that ilk.
+    <i>Unde derivatur</i> "Bogie"? Perhaps the next edition of
+    BLACKIE's <i>still-more-Modern-than-ever Cyclopedia will
+    explain</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>PARS ABOUT PICTURES (<i>by Old Par</i>).&mdash;At the Fine
+    Art Society's Gallery I gazed upon the pictures of "Many-sided
+    Nature" with great content, and came to the conclusion that Mr.
+    ALBERT GOODWIN was a many-sided artist. "Now," said I, quoting
+    SHAKSPEARE&mdash;<i>Old Par's Improved Edition</i>&mdash;"is
+    the GOODWIN of our great content made glorious." O.P., who
+    knows every inch of Abingdon, who has gazed upon Hastings from
+    High Wickham, who is intimate with every brick in Dorchester,
+    who loves every reed and ripple on the Thames, and has a
+    considerable knowledge of the Rigi and Venice, can bear witness
+    to the truth of the painter. There are over seventy
+    pictures&mdash;every one worth looking at.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page278"
+       id="page278"></a>[pg 278]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <h3>
+        "BUSINESS!"</h3><a href="images/278.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/278.png"
+             alt="Sweater and Mr. Punch." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Sweater</i> (<i>to Mr. Punch</i>). "NO USE YOUR
+        INTERFERING. BUSINESS IS BUSINESS!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. P.</i> "YES, AND UNCOMMONLY BAD BUSINESS, TOO,
+        FOR <i>THEM</i>. COULDN'T THE LARGE FIRMS TAKE A TRIFLE
+        LESS PROFIT, AND PUT A LITTLE PLEASURE INTO THE BUSINESS OF
+        THESE POOR STARVING WORKERS?"</p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <p>["Business!" cries the Sweater, when remonstrated
+            with for paying the poor Match-box makers
+            twopence-farthing or twopence-half-penny a gross,
+            whilst his own profits reach 22-1/2 to 25 per
+            cent.&mdash;<i>Daily News</i>.]</p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <h4><i>Punch to the Sweating Shylock.</i></h4>
+
+        <div class="poem">
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Eh? "Business is business"? Sheer cant, Sir!
+                Pure gammon?</p>
+
+                <p>Of all the inhuman, sham Maxims of Mammon,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">This one is the worst,</p>
+
+                <p>For under its cover lurks cruelty callous,</p>
+
+                <p>With murderous meanness that merits the
+                gallows,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">And avarice accurst.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Oh, well, I'm aware, Sir, how ruthless
+                rapacity</p>
+
+                <p>Loves to take shelter, with cunning
+                mendacity</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">'Neath an old
+                saw;</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page279"
+                   id="page279"></a>[pg 279]</span>
+
+                <p>But well says the scribe that such "business" is
+                crime, Sir,</p>
+
+                <p>And such would be but for gaps half the time,
+                Sir,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">'Twixt justice and law.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Bah! Many a man who's sheer rogue in
+                reality,</p>
+
+                <p>Hides the harsh knave in the mask of
+                "legality."</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">When 'tis too gross,</p>
+
+                <p>Robbery's rash, but austere orthodoxies</p>
+
+                <p>Countenance such things as modern
+                match-boxes</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">Nine-farthings a gross!</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>From seven till ten, and sometimes to
+                eleven,</p>
+
+                <p>For "six bob" a week. Ah! such life <i>must</i>
+                be heaven;</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">Whilst as for your "profit,"</p>
+
+                <p>That's bound to approach five-and-twenty per
+                cent.,</p>
+
+                <p>That Sweaters shall thrive, let their tools be
+                content</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">With starvation in Tophet.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>To starve's bad enough, but to starve and to
+                work</p>
+
+                <p>(Mrs. LABOUCHERE hints), the most patient may
+                irk;</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">And the lady is right&mdash;</p>
+
+                <p>Business? On brutes who dare mouth such base
+                trash,</p>
+
+                <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>, who loves justice and sense,
+                lays his lash,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">With the greatest delight.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>He knows the excuses advanced for the
+                Sweater,</p>
+
+                <p>But bad is the best, and, until you find
+                better,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">'Tis useless to cant</p>
+
+                <p>Of freedom of contract, supply and demand,</p>
+
+                <p>And all the cold sophistries ever on hand</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">Sound sense to supplant.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>A phrase takes the place of an argument
+                often.</p>
+
+                <p>And stomachs go empty, and brains slowly
+                soften,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">And sense sick with dizziness,</p>
+
+                <p>All in the name of the bosh men embody</p>
+
+                <p>In one clap-trap phrase that dupes many a
+                noddy,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">That&mdash;business is business!</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Business? Yes, precious bad business for them,
+                Sir,</p>
+
+                <p>Whose joyless enslavement <i>you</i> take with
+                such phlegm, Sir,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">Suppose, to enhance</p>
+
+                <p>Their small share of ease, such as you, were
+                content, Sir,</p>
+
+                <p>To lower a trifle your precious "per cent.,"
+                Sir,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">And give <i>them</i> a chance!</p>
+            </div>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/279-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/279-1.png"
+             alt="Scene in a hat store." /></a>
+
+        <h3>SOFT SAWDER.</h3>
+
+        <p>"BUT I DON'T CALL THIS A FASHIONABLE 'AT!"</p>
+
+        <p>"IT WILL SOON <i>BECOME</i> SO, MADAM, IF <i>YOU</i>
+        WEAR IT!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/279-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/279-2.png"
+             alt="A Christmas Masque." /></a>A Christmas Masque.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>In <i>Camp and Studio</i>, Mr. IRVING MONTAGU, some time on
+    the artistic staff of <i>The Illustrated London News</i>, gives
+    his experiences of the Russo-Turkish Campaign. He concisely
+    sums up the qualifications of a War Correspondent by saying
+    that he should "have an iron constitution, a laconic, incisive
+    style, and sufficient tact to establish a safe and rapid
+    connecting link between the forefront of battle and his own
+    head-quarters in Fleet Street or elsewhere." As Mr. IRVING
+    MONTAGU seems to have lived up to his ideal, it is a little
+    astonishing to find the last chapters of his book devoted to
+    <i>Back in Bohemia</i>, wherein he discourses of going to the
+    Derby, a Hammersmith <i>Desdemona</i>, and of the
+    <i>Postlethwaites</i> and <i>Maudles</i>, "whose peculiarities
+    have been recorded by the facile pen of DU MAURIER." But as the
+    author seems pleased with the reader, it would be indeed sad
+    were the reader to find fault with the author. However, this
+    may be said in his favour&mdash;he tells (at least) one good
+    story. On his return from Plevna to Bohemia, a dinner was given
+    in his honour at the Holborn Restaurant. Every detail was
+    perfect&mdash;the only omission was forgetfulness on the part
+    of the Committee to invite <i>the guest of the evening</i>! At
+    the last moment the mistake was discovered, and a telegram was
+    hurriedly despatched to Mr. MONTAGU, telling him that he was
+    "wanted." On his arrival he was refused admittance to the
+    dinner by the waiters, because he was not furnished with a
+    ticket! Ultimately he was ushered into the Banqueting Hall,
+    when everything necessarily ended happily.</p>
+
+    <p>One might imagine that Birthday Books have had their day,
+    but apparently they still flourish, for HAZELL, WATSON, &amp;
+    VINEY publish yet another, under the title of <i>Names we Love,
+    and Places we Know</i>. The first does not apply to our
+    friends, but to the quotations selected, and places are shown
+    by photos.</p>
+
+    <p>Of many <i>Beneficent and Useful Lives</i>, you will hear
+    "in CHAMBERS,"&mdash;the reader sitting as judge on the various
+    cases brought before him by Mr. ROBERT COCHRANE.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Unlucky</i> will not be the little girl who reads the
+    book with this name, by CAROLINE AUSTIN.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Everybody's Business</i>, by ISMAY THORN, nobody likes
+    interference, but in this case it proved the friend in
+    need.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Chivalry</i>, by LÉON GAUTIER, translated by HENRY FRITH,
+    is a chronicle of knighthood, its rules, and its deeds. To the
+    scientific student, <i>Discoveries and Inventions of the
+    Nineteenth Century</i>, by ROBERT ROUTLEDGE, B.S., F.C.S., will
+    be interesting, and help him to discover a lot he does not
+    know. Those who have not already read it, <i>A Wonder Book for
+    Girls and Boys</i>, by NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, will have a real
+    treat in the myths related; <i>Tanglewood Tales</i> are
+    included, and these are delightful for all. <i>Rosebud</i>, by
+    Mrs. ADAMS ACTON, a tale for girls, who will love this bright
+    little flower, bringing happiness all around.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Holly Leaves</i>, the Special Number of <i>The Sporting
+    and Dramatic</i>, is quite a seasonable decoration for the
+    drawing-room table during the Christmas holidays.</p>
+
+    <p>My faithful "Co." has been reading <i>Jack's Secret</i>, by
+    Mrs. LOVETT CAMERON, which, he says, has greatly pleased him.
+    It has an interesting story, and is full of clever sketches of
+    character. <i>Jack</i>, himself, is rather a weak personage,
+    and scarcely deserves the good fortune which ultimately falls
+    to his lot. After flirting with a born coquette, who treats him
+    with a cruelty which is not altogether unmerited, he settles
+    down with a thoroughly lovable little wife, and a seat in the
+    House of Lords. From this it will be gathered that all ends
+    happily. <i>Jack's Secret</i> will be let out by MUDIE's, and
+    will be kept, for a considerable time&mdash;by the
+    subscribers.</p>
+
+    <p>Girls will be the richer this year by <i>Fifty-two more
+    Stories for Girls</i>, and boys will be delighted with
+    <i>Fifty-two more Stories for Boys</i>, by many of the best
+    authors: both these books are edited by ALFRED MILES, and
+    published by HUTCHISON &amp; Co. <i>Lion Jack</i>, by P.T.
+    BARNUM, is an account of JACK's perilous adventures in
+    capturing wild animals. If they weren't, of course, all true,
+    <i>Lyin' Jack</i> would have been a better title.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Syd Belton</i>, unlike most story-book boys, would not go
+    to sea, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page280"
+       id="page280"></a>[pg 280]</span> but he was made to
+       <i>go</i>, by the author, Mr. MANVILLE FENN. Once launched,
+       he proved himself a British salt of the first water.
+       <i>Dumps and I</i>, by Mrs. PARR, is a <i>par</i>ticularly
+       pretty book for girls, and quite on a par with, her other
+       works. METHUEN &amp; CO. publish these.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Pictures and Stories from English History</i>, and
+    <i>Royal Portrait Gallery</i>, are two Royal Prize Books for
+    the historical-minded child; they are published by T. NELSON
+    AND SONS, as likewise "<i>Fritz</i>" <i>of Prussia, Germany's
+    Second Emperor</i>, by LUCY TAYLOR. <i>Dictionary of Idiomatic
+    English Phrases</i>, by JAMES MAIN DIXON, M.A., F.R.S.E., which
+    may prove a useful guide to benighted foreigners in assisting
+    them to solve the usual British vagaries of speech; like the
+    commencement of the Dictionary, it is quite an "A1" book.</p>
+
+    <p>"Dear Diary!" as one of Mr. F.C. PHILLIPS's heroines used to
+    address her little book, but DE LA RUE's are not "dear
+    Diaries," nor particularly cheap ones. This publisher is quite
+    the Artful Dodger in devising diaries in all shapes and sizes,
+    from the big pocket-book to the more insidious waistcoat-pocket
+    booklet,&mdash;"small by degrees, but beautifully less."</p>
+
+    <p>"Here's to you, TOM SMITH!"&mdash;it's BROWN in the song,
+    but no matter,&mdash;"Here's to you," sings the Baron, "with
+    all my heart!" Your comic gutta-percha-faced Crackers are a
+    novelty; in fact, you've solved a difficulty by introducing
+    into our old Christmas Crackers several new features.</p>
+
+    <p>This year the Baron gives the prize for pictorial amusement
+    to LOTHAR MEGGENDORFER (Gods! what a name!), who, assisted by
+    his publishers, GREVEL &amp; CO., has produced an irresistibly
+    funny book of movable figures, entitled <i>Comic Actors</i>.
+    What these coloured actors do is so moving, that the spectators
+    will be in fits of chuckling. Recommended, says THE BARON DE
+    BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS."</h2>
+
+    <p>ARGUMENT.&mdash;EDWIN has taken ANGELINA, his
+    <i>fiancée</i>, to an entertainment by a Mesmerist, and,
+    wishing to set his doubts at rest, has gone upon the platform,
+    and placed himself entirely at the Mesmerist's disposition. On
+    rejoining ANGELINA, she has insisted upon being taken home
+    immediately, and has cried all the way back in the
+    hansom&mdash;much to EDWIN's perplexity. They are alone
+    together, in a Morning-room; ANGELINA is still sobbing in an
+    arm-chair, and EDWIN is rubbing his ear as he stands on the
+    hearthrug.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Edwin</i>. I say, ANGELINA, don't go on like this, or we
+    shall have somebody coming in! I wouldn't have gone up if I'd
+    known it would upset you like this; but I only wanted to make
+    quite sure that the whole thing was humbug,
+    and&mdash;(<i>complacently</i>)&mdash;I rather think I settled
+    that.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>in choked accents</i>). You settled
+    that?&mdash;but <i>how?</i>... Oh, go away&mdash;I can't bear
+    to think of it all! [<i>Fresh outburst.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> You're a little nervous, darling, that's
+    all&mdash;and you see, I'm all right. I felt a little drowsy
+    once, but I knew perfectly well what I was about all the
+    time.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>with a bound</i>). You knew?&mdash;then you
+    <i>were</i> pretending&mdash;and you call that a good joke!
+    <i>Oh!</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> Hardly pretending. I just sat still, with my eyes
+    shut, and the fellow stroked my face a bit. I waited to see if
+    anything would come of it&mdash;and nothing did, that's all. At
+    least, I'm not aware that I did anything peculiar. In fact, I'm
+    <i>certain</i> I didn't. (<i>Uneasily.</i>) Eh, ANGELINA?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>indistinctly, owing to her face being buried
+    in cushions</i>). If you d-d-d-on't really know, you'd
+    bub-bub-better-not ask&mdash;but I believe you do&mdash;quite
+    well!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> Look here, ANGIE, if I behaved at all out of the
+    common, it's just as well that I should know it. I don't
+    recollect it, that's all. Do pull yourself together, and tell
+    me all about it.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>sitting up</i>). Very well&mdash;if you will
+    have it, you must. But you can't really have forgotten how you
+    stood before the footlights, making the most horrible faces, as
+    if you were in front of a looking-glass. All those other
+    creatures were doing it, too; but, oh, EDWIN, yours were far
+    the ugliest&mdash;they haunt me still.... I mustn't think of
+    them&mdash;I won't! [<i>Buries her face again.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>reddening painfully</i>). No, I
+    say&mdash;<i>did</i> I? not really&mdash;without humbug,
+    ANGELINA!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> <i>You</i> know best if it was without humbug!
+    And, after that, he gave you a glass of cuc-cod-liver oil,
+    and&mdash;and pup-pup-paraffin, and you dud-drank it up, and
+    asked for more, and said it was the bub-bub-best Scotch whiskey
+    you ever tasted. You oughtn't even to <i>know</i> about Scotch
+    whiskey!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> I can't know much if I did <i>that</i>. Odd I
+    shouldn't remember it, though. Was that all?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Oh, no. After that you sang&mdash;a dreadful
+    song&mdash;and pretended to accompany yourself on a broom.
+    EDWIN, you know you did; you can't deny it!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> I&mdash;I didn't know I <i>could</i> sing;
+    and&mdash;did you say on a broom? It's bad enough for me
+    already, ANGELINA, without <i>howling</i>! Well, I
+    sang&mdash;and what then?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Then he put out a cane with a silver top close
+    to your face, and you squinted at it, and followed it about
+    everywhere with your nose; you <i>must</i> have known how
+    utterly idiotic you looked!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>dropping into a chair</i>). Not at the
+    time.... Well, go on, ANGELINA; let's have it all. What
+    next?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Next? Oh, next he told you you were the Champion
+    Acrobat of the World, and you began to strike foolish
+    attitudes, and turn great clumsy somersaults all over the
+    stage, and you always came down on the flat of your back!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> I <i>thought</i> I felt a trifle stiff.
+    Somersaults, eh? Anything else? (<i>With forced calm.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> I did think I should have <i>died</i> of shame
+    when you danced?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> Oh, I <i>danced</i>, did I?
+    Hum&mdash;er&mdash;was I <i>alone</i>?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> There were four other wretches dancing too, and
+    you imitated a ballet. You were dressed up in an artificial
+    wreath and a gug-gug-gauze skirt.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>collapsing</i>). No?? I <i>wasn't</i>!...
+    Heavens! What a bounder I must have looked! But I say, ANGIE,
+    it was all <i>right</i>. I suppose? I mean to say I wasn't
+    exactly vulgar, or that sort of thing, eh?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Not vulgar? Oh, EDWIN? I can only say I was
+    truly thankful <i>Mamma</i> wasn't there!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>wincing</i>). Now, don't, ANGELINA it's quite
+    awful enough as it is. What beats me is how on earth I came to
+    <i>do</i> it all.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> You see, EDWIN, I wouldn't have minded so much
+    if I had had the least idea you were like <i>that</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> Like that! Good Heavens. ANGIE, am I in the habit
+    of making hideous grimaces before a looking-glass? Do you
+    suppose I am given to over-indulgence in cod-liver oil and
+    whatever the other beastliness was? Am I acrobatic in my calmer
+    moments? Did you ever know me sing&mdash;with or without a
+    broom? I'm a shy man by nature (<i>pathetically</i>), more shy
+    than you <i>think</i>, perhaps,&mdash;and in my normal
+    condition, I should be the last person to prance about in a
+    gauze skirt for the amusement of a couple of hundred idiots? I
+    don't believe I did, either!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>impressed by his evident sincerity</i>). But
+    you said you knew what you were about all the time!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> I thought so, then. Now&mdash;well, hang it, I
+    suppose there's more in this infernal Mesmerism than I fancied.
+    There, it's no use talking about it&mdash;it's done.
+    You&mdash;you won't mind shaking hands before I go, will you?
+    Just for the last time?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>alarmed</i>). Why&mdash;where are you
+    going?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>desperate</i>). Anywhere&mdash;go out and
+    start on a <i>ranche</i>, or something, or join the Colonial
+    Police force. Anything's better than staying on here after the
+    stupendous ass I've made of myself!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> But&mdash;but, EDWIN, I daresay nobody
+    <i>noticed</i> it much.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> According to you, I must have been a pretty
+    conspicuous object.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Yes&mdash;only, you see, I&mdash;I daresay
+    they'd only think you were a confederate or something&mdash;no,
+    I don't mean that&mdash;but, after all, indeed you didn't make
+    such <i>very</i> awful faces. I&mdash;I <i>liked</i> some of
+    them!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>incredulously</i>). But you said they haunted
+    you&mdash;and then the oil, and the somersaults, and the
+    ballet-dancing. No, it's no use, ANGELINA, I can see you'll
+    never get over this. It's better to part and have done with
+    it!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>gradually retracting</i>). Oh, but listen.
+    I&mdash;I didn't mean quite all I said just now. I mixed things
+    up. It was really whiskey he gave you, only he <i>said</i> it
+    was paraffin, and so you wouldn't drink it, and you <i>did</i>
+    sing, but it was only about some place where an old horse died,
+    and it was somebody else who had the broom! And you didn't
+    dance nearly so much as the others, and&mdash;and whatever you
+    did, you were never in the least ridiculous.
+    (<i>Earnestly</i>). You weren't, <i>really</i>, EDWIN!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>relieved</i>). Well. I thought you must have
+    been exaggerating a little. Why, look here, for all you know,
+    you may have been mistaking somebody else for me all the
+    time&mdash;don't you see?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> I&mdash;I am almost sure I did, now. Yes, why,
+    of course&mdash;how stupid I have been! It was someone very
+    like you&mdash;not you at all!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>resentfully</i>). Well, I must say, ANGELINA,
+    that to give a fellow a fright like this, all for
+    nothing&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Yes&mdash;yes, it was all for nothing, it was so
+    silly of me. Forgive me, EDWIN, please!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>still aggrieved</i>). I know for a fact that
+    I didn't so much as leave my chair, and to say I <i>danced</i>,
+    ANGELINA!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>eagerly</i>). But I <i>don't</i>. I remember
+    now, you sat perfectly still the whole time, he&mdash;he said
+    he could do nothing with you, don't you recollect?
+    (<i>Aside.</i>) Oh, what stories I'm telling!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>with recovered dignity</i>). Of course I
+    recollect&mdash;perfectly. Well, ANGELINA, I'm not
+    <i>annoyed</i>, of course, darling; but another time, you
+    should really try to observe more closely what <i>is</i> done
+    and who <i>does</i> it&mdash;before making all this fuss about
+    nothing.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page281"
+       id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> But you won't go and be mesmerised again,
+    EDWIN&mdash;not after this?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> Well, you see, as I always said, it hasn't the
+    slightest effect on me. But from what I observed, I am
+    perfectly satisfied that the whole thing is a fraud. All those
+    other fellows were obviously accomplices, or they'd never have
+    gone through such absurd antics&mdash;would they now?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>meekly</i>). No, dear, of course not. But
+    don't let's talk any more about it. There are so many things
+    it's no use trying to explain.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Hand-book to Honesty.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h3>No. VII.&mdash;SELLING A HORSE.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/281.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/281.png"
+             alt="Selling a horse." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE I.&mdash;<i>A Horse-Sale. Inexperienced Person, in
+        search of a cheap but sound animal for business purposes,
+        looking on in a nervous and undecided manner, half tempted
+        to bid for the horse at present under the hammer. To him
+        approaches a grave and closely-shaven personage, in black
+        garments, of clerical cut, a dirty-white tie, and a crush
+        felt hat.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Clerical Gent</i>. They are running that flea-bitten grey
+    up pretty well, are they not. Sir?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Inexperienced Person</i>. Ahem! ye-es, I suppose they
+    are. I&mdash;er&mdash;was half thinking of bidding myself, but
+    it's going a bit beyond me, I fear.</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> Ah, plant, Sir&mdash;to speak the language of
+    these horsey vulgarians&mdash;a regular plant! You are better
+    out of it, believe me.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P.</i> <i>In</i>-deed! You don't say so?</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>sighing</i>). Only too true. Sir.
+    Why&mdash;(<i>in a gush of confidence</i>)&mdash;look at my own
+    case. Being obliged to leave the country, and give up my
+    carriage, I put my horse into this sale, at a <i>very</i> low
+    reserve of twenty pounds. (<i>Entre nous</i>, it's worth at
+    least double that.) Between the Auctioneer, and a couple of
+    rascally horse-dealers&mdash;who I found out, by pure accident,
+    wanted my animal particularly <i>for a match pair</i>&mdash;the
+    sale of my horse is what <i>they</i> call "bunnicked up."
+    <i>Then</i> they come to me, and offer me money. I spot their
+    game, and am so indignant that I'll have nothing to do with
+    them, at <i>any</i> price. Wouldn't sell dear old <i>Bogey</i>,
+    whom my wife and children are so fond of, to such brutal
+    blackguards, on <i>any</i> consideration. No, Sir, the horse
+    has done me good service&mdash;a sounder nag never walked on
+    four hoofs; and I'd rather sell it to a good, kind master, for
+    twenty pounds, aye, or even eighteen, than let these rascals
+    have it, though they <i>have</i> run up as high as thirty
+    q&mdash;&mdash;, ahem! guineas.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P.</i> Have they indeed, now? And what have you done
+    with the horse?</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> Put it into livery close by, Sir. And, unless I
+    can find a good master for it, by Jove, I'll take it back
+    again, and <i>give it away to a friend</i>. Perhaps, Sir, you'd
+    like to have a look at the animal. The stables are only in the
+    next street, and&mdash;as a friend, and with no eye to
+    business&mdash;I should be pleased to show poor <i>Bogey</i> to
+    anyone so sympathetic as yourself.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>I.P., after some further chat of a friendly nature,
+        agrees to go and "run his eye over him."</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE II.&mdash;<i>Greengrocer's yard at side of a seedy
+        house in a shabby street, slimy and straw-bestrewn. Yard is
+        paved with lumpy, irregular cobbles, and some sooty and
+        shaky-looking sheds stand at the bottom thereof. Enter
+        together</i>, Clerical Gent <i>and</i> Inexperienced
+        Person.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>smiling apologetically</i>). Not exactly
+    palatial premises for an animal used to <i>my</i> stables at
+    Wickham-in-the-Wold! But I know these people, Sir; they are
+    kind as Christians, and as honest as the day. Hoy! TOM! TOM!!
+    TOM!!! Are you there, TOM? [<i>From the shed emerges a very
+    small boy with very short hair, and a very long livery, several
+    sizes too large for him, the tail of the brass-buttoned coat
+    and the bottoms of the baggy trousers alike sweeping the
+    cobbles as he shambles forward</i>]. (C.G. <i>genially</i>.)
+    Ah, there you are, TOM, my lad. Bring out dear old
+    <i>Bogey</i>, and show it to my friend here. [<i>Boy leads out
+    a rusty roan Rosinante, high in bone, and low in flesh, with
+    prominent hocks, and splay hoofs, which stumble gingerly over
+    the cobbles.</i>] (<i>Patting the horse affectionately.</i>)
+    Ah, poor old <i>Bogey</i>, he doesn't like these lumpy stones,
+    does he? Not used to them, Sir. My stable-yard at
+    Wickham-in-the-Wold, is as smoothly paved as&mdash;as the
+    Alhambra, Sir. I always <i>consider</i> my animals, Sir. A
+    merciful man is merciful to his beast, as the good book says.
+    But <i>isn't</i> he a Beauty?</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P.</i> Well&mdash;ahem!&mdash;ye-es; he looks a kind,
+    gentle, steady sort of a creature. But&mdash;ahem!&mdash;what's
+    the matter with his knees?</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> Oh, nothing, Sir, nothing at all. Only a habit
+    he has got <i>along of kind treatment</i>. Like us when we
+    "stand at ease," you know, a bit baggy, that's all. You should
+    see him after a twenty miles spin along our Wickham roads, when
+    my wife and I are doing a round of visits among the
+    neighbouring gentry. Ah, <i>Bogey, Bogey</i>, old
+    boy&mdash;<i>kissing his nose</i>&mdash;I don't know what Mrs.
+    G. and the girls will say when they hear I've parted with
+    you&mdash;if I do, <i>if</i> I do.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>Enter two horsey-looking Men as though in search of
+        something.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>First Horsey Man</i>. Ah, here you are. Well, look 'ere,
+    are you going to take Thirty Pounds for that horse o' yourn?
+    Yes or No!</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>turning upon them with dignity</i>).
+    <i>No</i>, Sir; most emphatically <i>No!</i> I've told you
+    before I will not sell him to you at <i>any</i> price. Have the
+    goodness to leave us&mdash;<i>at once</i>, I'm engaged with my
+    friend here.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Horsey Men turn away despondently. Enter hurriedly,
+        a shabby-looking</i> Groom.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Groom</i>. Oh, look here,
+    Mister&mdash;er&mdash;er&mdash;wot's yer name? His Lordship
+    wants to know whether you'll take his offer of Thirty-five
+    Pounds&mdash;<i>or</i> Guineas&mdash;for that roan. He wouldn't
+    offer as much, only it happens jest to match&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>with great decisiveness</i>). Inform his
+    Lordship, with my compliments, that I regret to be entirely
+    unable to entertain his proposition.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Groom</i>. Oh, <i>very</i> well. But I wish you'd jest
+    step out and tell his Lordship so yerself. He's jest round the
+    corner at the 'otel entrance, a flicking of his boots, as
+    irritated as a blue-bottle caught in a cowcumber frame.</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> Oh, <i>certainly</i>, with pleasure. (<i>To</i>
+    I.P.) If you'll excuse me, Sir, just one moment, I'll step out
+    and speak to his Lordship.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Exit, followed by</i> Groom.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Horsey Person</i> (<i>making a rush at</i> I.P. <i>as
+    soon as</i> C.G. <i>has disappeared, speaking in a breathless
+    hurry</i>). Now lookye here, guv'nor&mdash;sharp's the word!
+    He'll be back in arf a jiff. <i>You buy that 'oss!</i> He won't
+    sell it to <i>us</i>, bust 'im; but you've got 'im in a string,
+    you 'ave. He'll sell it to <i>you</i> for eighteen
+    quid&mdash;p'raps sixteen. <i>Buy</i> it, Sir, buy it! We'll be
+    outside, by the pub at the corner, my pal and me,
+    and&mdash;(<i>producing notes</i>)&mdash;we'll take it off you
+    agen for <i>thirty pounds</i>, and glad o' the charnce. We want
+    it pertikler, we do, and you can 'elp us, and put ten quid in
+    your own pocket too as easy as be blowed. Ah! here he is! Mum's
+    the word! Round the corner by the pub! [<i>Exeunt
+    hurriedly.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Clerical Gent</i> (<i>blandly</i>). Ah! <i>that's</i>
+    settled. His Lordship was angry, but I was firm. Take
+    <i>Bogey</i> back to the stable, TOM&mdash;<i>unless</i>, of
+    course&mdash;(<i>looking significantly at</i> Inexperienced
+    Person).</p>
+
+    <p><i>Inexperienced Person</i> (<i>hesitating</i>). Well, I'm
+    not sure but what the animal would suit me,
+    and&mdash;ahem!&mdash;if you care to trust it to me&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Clerical Gent</i> (<i>joyously</i>). Trust it to
+    <i>you</i>, Sir? Why, with pleasure, with every confidence.
+    Dear old <i>Bogey</i>! He'll be happy with such a
+    master&mdash;ah, and do him service too. I tell you, Sir, that
+    horse, to a quiet, considerate sort o' gent like yourself, who
+    wants to <i>work</i> his animal, not to wear it out, is worth
+    forty pound, every penny of it&mdash;and cheap at the
+    price!</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P.</i> Thanks! And&mdash;ah&mdash;what <i>is</i> the
+    figure?</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> Why&mdash;ah&mdash;eighteen&mdash;no, dash
+    it!&mdash;sixteen <i>to you</i>, and say no more about it.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Inexperienced Person <i>closes with the offer, hands
+        notes to</i> Clerical Gent (<i>who, under pressure of
+        business, hurries off</i>), <i>takes</i> Bogey <i>from the
+        grinning groom-lad, leads him&mdash;with
+        difficulty&mdash;out into the street, searches vainly for
+        the two horsey Men, who, like "his Lordship," have utterly
+        and finally disappeared, and finds himself left alone in a
+        bye-thoroughfare with a "horse," which he cannot get along
+        anyhow, and which he is presently glad to part with to a
+        knacker for thirty shillings.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page282"
+       id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/282.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/282.png"
+             alt="&lt;h3&gt;Triumphs of the Funny Man." /></a>
+
+        <h3>TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN.</h3><i>Hired Waiter</i>
+        (<i>handling the liqueurs</i>). "<i>PLEASE</i>, SIR,
+        <i>DON'T</i> MAKE ME LAUGH&mdash;I SHALL SPILL 'EM ALL!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WRITE AND WRONG.</h2>
+
+    <p>As so many private letters are sold at public sales
+    nowadays, it has become necessary to consider the purport of
+    every epistle regarded, so to speak, from a <i>post-mortem</i>
+    point of view. If a public man expresses a confidential opinion
+    in the fulness of his heart to an intimate friend, or proposes
+    an act of charity to a cherished relative, he may rest assured
+    that, sooner or later, both communications will be published to
+    an unsympathetic and autograph-hunting world. Under these
+    circumstances it may be well to answer the simplest
+    communications in the most guarded manner possible. For
+    instance, a reply to a tender of hospitality might run as
+    follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>Private and Confidential. Not negotiable.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Mr. DASH BLANK has much pleasure in accepting Mr. BLANK
+    DASH's invitation to dinner on the 8th inst.</p>
+
+    <p><i>N.B.&mdash;This letter is the property of the Writer. Not
+    for publication. All rights reserved.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Or, if the writer feels that his letter, if it gets into the
+    hands of the executors, will be sold, he must adopt another
+    plan. It will be then his object to so mix up abuse of the
+    possible vendors with ordinary matter, that they (the possible
+    vendors) may shrink, after the death of the recipient, from
+    making their own condemnation public. The following may serve
+    as a model for a communication of this character. The words
+    printed in italics in the body of the letter are the antidotal
+    abuse introduced to prevent a posthumous sale by possible
+    executors.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private and Confidential. Not to be published. Signature
+    a forgery.</i></p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>DEAR OLD MAN,&mdash;I nearly completed my book. <i>Your
+        nephew</i>, TOM LESLEIGH, <i>is an ass.</i> My wife is
+        slowly recovering from influenza. <i>Your Aunt</i>, JANE
+        JENKINS, <i>wears a wig.</i> TOMMY, you will be glad to
+        learn, has come out first of twenty in his new class at
+        school. <i>Your Uncle</i>, BENJAMIN GRAHAM, <i>is a
+        twaddling old bore.</i> I am thinking of spending the
+        Midsummer holidays with the boys and their mother at
+        Broadstairs. <i>Your Cousin</i>, JACK JUGGERLY, <i>is a
+        sweep that doesn't belong to a single respectable Club.</i>
+        Trusting that you will burn this letter, to prevent its
+        sale after we are gone,</p>
+
+        <p>I remain, yours affectionately,</p>
+
+        <p>BOBBY.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>N.B.&mdash;The foregoing letter is the property of the
+    Author, and, as it is only intended for private circulation,
+    must not be printed. Solicitors address,&mdash;Ely
+    Place</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>But perhaps the best plan will be, not to write at all. The
+    telegraph, at the end of the century, costs but a halfpenny a
+    word, and we seem to be within measurable distance of the
+    universal adoption of the telephone. Under these circumstances,
+    it is easy to take heed of the warning contained in that
+    classical puzzle of our childhood, <i>Litera scripta
+    manet</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A QUESTION OF TASTE.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. Well, Madam, what can I do for you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Female</i> (<i>of Uncertain Age, gushingly</i>). A very
+    great favour, my dear Sir; it is a matter of sanitation.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> (<i>coldly</i>). I am at your service, Madam,
+    but I would remind you that I have no time to listen to
+    frivolous complaints.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fem.</i> I would ask you&mdash;do you think that a
+    building open to the public should be crowded with double as
+    many persons as it can conveniently hold?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> Depends upon circumstances, Madam. It might
+    possibly be excusable in a Church, assuming that the means of
+    egress were sufficient. Of what building do you wish to
+    complain?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fem.</i> Of the Old Bailey&mdash;you know, the Central
+    Criminal Court.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> Have you to object to the accommodation
+    afforded you in the Dock?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fem.</i> <i>I</i> was not in the Dock!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> (<i>dryly</i>). That is the only place (when
+    not in the Witness-Box) suitable for women at the Old Bailey. I
+    cannot imagine that they would go to that unhappy spot of their
+    own free will.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fem.</i> (<i>astonished</i>). Not to see a Murder trial?
+    Then you are evidently unaccustomed to ladies' society.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> (<i>severely</i>). I do not meet <i>ladies</i>
+    at the Old Bailey.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fem.</i> (<i>bridling up</i>). Indeed! But that is
+    nothing to do with the matter of the overcrowding. Fancy, with
+    our boasted civilisation&mdash;I was <i>half</i> stifled!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> It is a pity, with our boasted civilisation,
+    that you were not stifled&mdash;<i>quite!</i>
+    (<i>Severely.</i>) You can go!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The Female retires, with an expression worthy of her
+        proper place&mdash;the Chamber of Horrors!</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page283"
+       id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/283.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/283.png"
+             alt="Distressed Hibernia." /></a>
+
+        <h3>IN DIFFICULTIES!</h3>
+    Distressed Hibernia. "If your tandem leader turns vicious,
+    and kicks over the traces,&mdash;where are you?"
+    </div>
+
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page285"
+       id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/285-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/285-1.png"
+             alt="Taking it coolly." /></a>
+
+        <h3>TAKING IT COOLLY.</h3><i>Old Gent</i> (<i>out for a
+        quiet ride with the Devon and Somerset</i>). "CONFOUND
+        THESE HARD-RIDING YOUNG RASCALS, THEY'LL BE SMASHING MY HAT
+        ONE OF THESE DAYS!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>NONOGENARIAN NONSENSE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Compiled à la Mode.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:10%;">
+        <a href="images/285-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/285-2.png"
+             alt="The Nonogenarian." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I have so often been urged by my friends to write my
+    autobiography, that at length I have taken up my pen to comply
+    with their wishes. My memory, although I may occasionally
+    become slightly mixed, is still excellent, and having been born
+    in the first year of the present century I consequently can
+    remember both the Plague and Fire of London. The latter is
+    memorable to me as having been the cause of my introduction to
+    Sir CHRISTOPHER WREN, an architect of some note, and an
+    intimate friend of Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS, and the late Mr.
+    TURNER, R.A. Sir CHRISTOPHER had but one failing&mdash;he was
+    never sober. To the day of his death he was under the
+    impression that St. Paul's was St. Peter's!</p>
+
+    <p>One of my earliest recollections is the great physician
+    HARVEY, who, indeed, knew me from my birth. Although an
+    exceedingly able man, he was a confirmed glutton. He would at
+    the most ceremonious of dinner-parties push his way through the
+    guests (treating ladies and gentlemen with the like
+    discourtesy) and plumping himself down in front of the turtle
+    soup, would help himself to the entire contents of the tureen,
+    plus the green fat! During the last years of his life he
+    abandoned medicine to give his attention to cookery, and (so I
+    have been told) ultimately invented a fish sauce!</p>
+
+    <p>I knew HOWARD, the so-called philanthropist, very well. He
+    was particularly fond of dress, although extremely economical
+    in his washing bill. It was his delight to visit the various
+    prisons and obtain a hideous pleasure in watching the tortures
+    of the poor wretches therein incarcerated. He was fined and
+    imprisoned for ill-treating a cat, if my memory does not play
+    me false. I have been told that he once stole a
+    pockethandkerchief, but at this distance of time cannot
+    remember where I heard the story.</p>
+
+    <p>It is one of my proudest recollections that, in early youth,
+    I had the honour of being presented to her late most gracious
+    Majesty, Queen ANNE, of glorious memory. The drawing-room was
+    held at Buckingham Palace, which in those days was situated on
+    the site now occupied by Marlborough House. I accompanied my
+    mother, who wore, I remember, yellow brocade, and a wreath of
+    red roses, without feathers. Round the throne were
+    grouped&mdash;the Duke of MARLBOROUGH (who kept in the
+    background because he had just been defeated at Fontenoy), Lord
+    PALMERSTON, nick-named "Cupid" by Mistress NELL GWYNNE (a
+    well-known Court beauty), Mr. GARRICK, and Signor GRIMALDI, two
+    Actors of repute, and Cardinal WISEMAN, the Papal Nuncio. Her
+    Majesty was most gracious to me, and introduced me to one of
+    her predecessors, Queen ELIZABETH, a reputed daughter of King
+    HENRY THE EIGHTH. Both Ladies laughed heartily at my curls,
+    which in those days were more plentiful than they are now. I
+    was rather alarmed at their lurching forward as I passed them,
+    but was reassured when the Earl of ROCHESTER (the Lord
+    Chamberlain) whispered in my ear that the Royal relatives had
+    been lunching. As I left the presence, I noticed that both
+    their Majesties were fast asleep.</p>
+
+    <p>I have just mentioned Lord ROCHESTER, whose acquaintance I
+    had the honour to possess. He was extremely austere, and very
+    much disliked by the fair sex. On one occasion it was my
+    privilege to clean his shoes. He had but one failing&mdash;he
+    habitually cheated at cards. I will now tell a few stories of
+    the like character about Bishop WILBERFORCE, THACKERAY, Mrs.
+    FRY, PEABODY, WALTER SCOTT, and Father MATTHEW.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[No you don't, my venerable twaddler!&mdash;ED.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE LARGE CIGAR.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:15%;">
+        <a href="images/285-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/285-3.png"
+             alt="Mr. Punch, smoking a cigar while ice-skating." />
+             </a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You lie on the oaken mantle-shelf,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A cigar of high degree,</p>
+
+            <p>An old cigar, a large cigar,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A cigar that was given to me.</p>
+
+            <p>The house-flies bite you day by day&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bite you, and kick, and sigh&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>And I do not know what the insects say,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But they creep away and die.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My friends they take you gently up,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And lay you gently down;</p>
+
+            <p>They never saw a weed so big,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or quite so deadly brown.</p>
+
+            <p>They, as a rule, smoke anything</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They pick up free of charge;</p>
+
+            <p>But they leave you to rest while the bulbuls
+            sing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Through the night, my own, my large!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The dust lies thick on your bloated form,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the year draws to its close,</p>
+
+            <p>And the baccy-jar's been emptied&mdash;by</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My laundress, I suppose.</p>
+
+            <p>Smokeless and hopeless, with reeling brain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I turn to the oaken shelf,</p>
+
+            <p>And take you down, while my hot tears rain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And smoke you, you brute, myself.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page286"
+       id="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/286.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/286.png"
+             alt="Parnell's Parliamentary Puppetrs." /></a>
+
+        <h3>PARNELL'S PARLIAMENTARY PUPPETS. THE STRINGS IN A
+        TANGLE!</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page287"
+       id="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/287-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/287-1.png"
+             alt="LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M.C.C. GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY." />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M.C.C. GO OUT TO MEET THE
+        ENEMY.</h3>"Sir EDWARD WATKIN proposes to construct a
+        Railway passing through Lord's Cricket Ground."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, December 1.</i>&mdash;Tithes
+    Bill down for Second Reading. GRAND YOUNG GARDNER places
+    Amendment on the paper, which secures for him opportunity of
+    making a speech. Having availed himself of this, did not move
+    his Amendment; opening thus made for STUART-RENDEL, who had
+    another Amendment on the paper. Would he move it? Only
+    excitement of Debate settled round this point. Under good old
+    Tory Government new things in Parliamentary procedure
+    constantly achieved. Supposing half-a-dozen Members got
+    together, drew up a number of Amendments, then ballot for
+    precedence, they might arrange Debate without interposition of
+    SPEAKER. First man gets off his speech, omits to move
+    Amendment: second would come on, and so on, on to the end of
+    list. But STUART-RENDEL moved Amendment, and on this Debate
+    turned.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/287-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/287-2.png"
+             alt="Osborne Ap Morgan." /></a>Osborne Ap Morgan.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Not very lively affair, regarded as reflex of passionate
+    protestation of angry little Wales. OSBORNE AP MORGAN made
+    capital speech, but few remained to listen. Welshmen at outset
+    meant to carry Debate over to next day; couldn't be done; and
+    by half-past eleven, STUART-RENDEL's Amendment negatived by
+    rattling majority.</p>
+
+    <p>Fact is, gallant little Wales was swamped by irruptive
+    Ireland. To-day, first meeting of actual Home Rule Parliament
+    held, and everybody watching its course. This historic meeting
+    gathered in Committee-room No. 15; question purely one of Home
+    Rule; decided, after some deliberation, that, in order to have
+    proceedings in due dramatic form, there should be incorporated
+    with the meeting an eviction scene. After prolonged Debate,
+    concluded that, to do the thing thoroughly, they should select
+    PARNELL as subject of eviction.</p>
+
+    <p>"No use," TIM HEALY said, "in half-doing the thing. The eyes
+    of the Universe are fixed upon us. Let us give them a show for
+    their money."</p>
+
+    <p>PARNELL, at first, demurred; took exception on the ground
+    that, as he had no fixed place of residence, he was not
+    convenient subject for eviction; objection over-ruled; then
+    PARNELL insisted that, if he yielded on this point, he must
+    preside over proceedings. TIM and the rest urged that it was
+    not usual, when a man's conduct is under consideration upon a
+    grave charge, that he should take the Chair. Drawing upon the
+    resources of personal observation, Dr. TANNER remarked that he
+    did not remember any case in which the holder of a tenure,
+    suffering process of eviction, bossed the concern, acting
+    simultaneously, as it were, as the subject of the eviction
+    process, and the resident Magistrate.</p>
+
+    <p>Whilst conversation going on, PARNELL had unobserved taken
+    the Chair, and now ruled Dr. TANNER out of order.</p>
+
+    <p>House sat at Twelve o'Clock; at One the Speaker (Mr.
+    PARNELL), interrupting SEXTON in passage of passionate
+    eloquence, said he thought this would be convenient opportunity
+    for going out to his chop. So he went off; Debate interrupted
+    for an hour; resumed at One, and continued, with brief
+    intervals for refreshment, up till close upon midnight.
+    Proceedings conducted with closed doors, but along the
+    corridor, from time to time, rolled echoes which seemed to
+    indicate that the first meeting of the Home-Rule Parliament was
+    not lacking inanimation.</p>
+
+    <p>"I think they <i>are</i> a little 'eated, Sir," said the
+    policeman on duty outside. "Man and boy I've been in charge of
+    this beat for twenty years; usually a quiet spot; this sudden
+    row rather trying for one getting up in years. Do you think,
+    Sir, that, seeing it's an eviction, the Police can under the
+    Act claim Compensation for Disturbance?"</p>
+
+    <p>Promised to put question on subject to JOKIM.</p>
+
+    <p>Long dispute on point of order raised by NOLAN. TIM HEALY
+    referring to difficulty of dislodging PARNELL, alluded to him
+    as "Sitting Bull." Clamour from Parnellite section anxious for
+    preservation of decency of debate. Speaker said, question most
+    important. Irish Parliament in its infancy; above all things
+    essential <span class="pagenum"><a name="page288"
+       id="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span> they should well consider
+       precedents. Must reserve decision as to whether the phrase
+       was Parliamentary; would suggest, therefore, that House
+       should adjourn five weeks. On this point Debate proceeded up
+       to midnight.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;In British Parliament Tithes
+    Bill read a Second Time; in Irish (which sat four hours
+    longer), None.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;Cork Parliament still sitting upstairs
+    in Committee Room No. 15, debating question of adjournment. We
+    hear them occasionally through open doors and down long
+    corridor. Once a tremendous yell shook building.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:45%;">
+        <a href="images/288-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/288-1.png"
+             alt="Caleb Balder(Glad)stone." /></a>Caleb
+             Balder(Glad)stone finding all that was left of the
+             lost Leader, P-rn-ll.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"What's that?" I asked DICK POWER, who happened to be taking
+    glass of sherry-wine at Bar in Lobby.</p>
+
+    <p>"That," said RICHARD, "is the Irish wolves crying for the
+    blood of PARNELL," and DICK, tossing down his sherry-wine, as
+    if he had a personal quarrel with it, hurried back to the
+    shambles.</p>
+
+    <p>Quite a changed man! No longer the <i>débonnaire</i> DICK,
+    whose light heart and high spirits made him a favourite
+    everywhere. Politics have suddenly become a serious thing, and
+    DICK POWER is saddened with them.</p>
+
+    <p>"I take bitters with my sherry-wine now," DICK mentioned
+    just now in sort of apologetic way at having been discovered,
+    as it were, feasting in the house of mourning. "At the present
+    sad juncture, to drink sherry-wine with all its untamed
+    richness might, I feel, smack of callousness. Therefore I tell
+    the man to dash it with bitters, which, whilst it has a
+    penitential sound, adds a not untoothsome flavour in
+    anticipation of dinner."</p>
+
+    <p>Even with this small comfort ten years added to his age;
+    grey hairs gleam among his hyacinthine locks; his back is bent;
+    his shoes are clogged with lead. A sad sight; makes one wish
+    the pitiful business was over, and RICHARD himself again.</p>
+
+    <p>All the best of the Irish Members, whether Cavaliers or
+    Cromwellians, are depressed in same way. Came upon SWIFT
+    MacNEILL in retired recess in Library this afternoon; standing
+    up with right hand in trouser-pocket, and left hand extended
+    (his favourite oratorical attitude in happier times) smiling in
+    really violent fashion.</p>
+
+    <p>"What are you playing at?" I asked him, noticing with
+    curiosity that whilst his mouth was, so to speak, wreathed in
+    smiles, a tear dewed the fringe of his closed eyelids.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah, TOBY, is that you?" he said, "I didn't see you coming.
+    The fact is I came over here by myself to have me last
+    smile."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, you're making the most of it," I said, wishing to
+    encourage him.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:18%;">
+        <a href="images/288-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/288-2.png"
+             alt="The Last Smile." /></a>The Last Smile.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"I generally do, and as this is me last, I'm not stinting
+    measurement. They're sad times we've fallen on. Just when it
+    seemed victory was within our grasp it is snatched away, and we
+    are, as one may say, flung on the dunghill amid the wreck of
+    our country's hopes and aspirations. This is not a time to make
+    merry. Me country's ruined, and SWIFT MacNEILL smiles no
+    more."</p>
+
+    <p>With that he shut up his jaws with a snap, and strode off.
+    I'm sorry he should take the matter to heart so seriously. We
+    shall miss that smile.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Irish Land Bill in British
+    Parliament. Cork Parliament still sitting.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;Cork Parliament still sitting;
+    PARNELL predominant; issues getting a little mixed; understood
+    that Session summoned to decide whether, in view of certain
+    proceedings before Mr. Justice BUTT, PARNELL should be
+    permitted to retain Leadership. Everything been discussed but
+    that. Things got so muddled up, that O'KEEFE, walking about,
+    bowed with anxious thought, not quite certain whether it is TIM
+    HEALY, SEXTON, or JUSTIN McCARTHY, who was involved in recent
+    Divorce suit. Certainly, it couldn't have been PARNELL, who
+    to-day suggests that the opportunity is fitting for putting Mr.
+    G. in a tight place.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:23%;">
+        <a href="images/288-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/288-3.png"
+             alt="Weighed down with Thought." /></a>Weighed down
+             with Thought.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"You go to him," says PARNELL, "and demand certain pledges
+    on Home Rule scheme. If he does not consent, he will be in a
+    hole; threatened with loss of Irish Vote. You will be in a
+    dilemma, as you cannot then side with him against me, the real
+    friend of Ireland; whilst I shall be confirmed in my position
+    as the only possible Leader of the Party. If, on the contrary,
+    this unrivalled sophist is drawn into anything like a
+    declaration that will satisfy you in the face of the Irish
+    People, he will be hopelessly embarrassed with his English
+    friends; I shall have paid off an old score, and can afford to
+    retire from the Leadership, certain that in a few months the
+    Irish People will clamour for the return of the man who showed
+    that, if only he could serve them, he was ready to sacrifice
+    his personal position and advantages. Don't, Gentlemen, let us,
+    at a crisis like this, descend to topics of mere personality.
+    In spite of what has passed at this table, I should like to
+    shield my honourable friends, Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, Mr. SEXTON,
+    and that <i>beau idéal</i> of an Irish Member, Mr. JUSTIN
+    McCARTHY, from references, of a kind peculiarly painful to
+    them, to certain proceedings in a court of law with respect to
+    which I will, before I sit down, say this, that, if all the
+    facts were known, they would be held absolutely free from
+    imputation of irregularity."</p>
+
+    <p>General cheering greeted this speech. Members shook hands
+    all round, and nominated Committee to go off and make things
+    hot for Mr. G. <i>Business done</i>.&mdash;In British House
+    Prince ARTHUR expounded Scheme for Relief of Irish
+    Distress.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;A dark shadow falls on House to-day.
+    Mrs. PEEL died this morning, and our SPEAKER sits by a lonely
+    hearth, OLD MORALITY, in his very best style, speaking with the
+    simple language of a kind heart, voices the prevalent feeling.
+    Mr. G., always at his best on these occasions, adds some words,
+    though, as he finely says, any expression of sympathy is but
+    inadequate medicine for so severe a hurt. Members reverently
+    uncover whilst these brief speeches are made. That is a
+    movement shown only when a Royal Message is read; and here is
+    mention of a Message from the greatest and final King. Mrs.
+    PEEL, though the wife of the First Commoner in the land, was
+    not <i>une grande dame</i>. She was a kindly, homely lady, of
+    unaffected manner, with keen sympathies for all that was bright
+    and good. Every Member feels that something is lost to the
+    House of Commons now that she lies still in her chamber at
+    Speaker's Court.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>THE DRAMA ON CRUTCHES.&mdash;A Mr. GREIN has suggested,
+    according to some Friday notes in the <i>D.T.</i>, a scheme for
+    subsidising a theatre and founding a Dramatic School. The
+    latter, apparently, is not to aid the healthy but the decrepit
+    drama, as it is intended "to afford succour to old or disabled
+    actors and actresses." Why then call it a "Dramatic School?"
+    Better style it, a "Dramatic-Second-Infancy-School."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>DEATH IN THE FIELD.&mdash;If things go on as they have been
+    going lately, the statisticians who compile the "Public Health"
+    averages will have to include, as one important item in their
+    "Death Rates," the ravages of that annual epidemic popularly
+    known as&mdash;Football!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"JUSTICE FOR IRELAND!"&mdash;The contest on the Chairmanship
+    of the Irish Parliamentary Party may be summed
+    up:&mdash;PARNELL&mdash;Just out, McCARTHY Just in.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12905 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #12905 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12905)
diff --git a/old/12905-8.txt b/old/12905-8.txt
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99.,
+December 13, 1890, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., December 13, 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 14, 2004 [EBook #12905]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 99.
+
+
+
+December 13, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. IX.--THE CURSE OF COGNAC.
+
+    (_By_ WATER DECANT, _Author of "Chaplin off his Feet," "All
+    Sorts of Editions for Men," "The Nuns in Dilemma," "The
+    Cream he Tried," "Blue-the-Money Naughty-boy," "The Silver
+    Gutter-Snipe," "All for a Farden Fare," "The Roley Hose,"
+    "Caramel of Stickinesse," &c., &c., &c._)
+
+    [Of this story the Author writes to us as follows:--"I can
+    honestly recommend it, as calculated to lower the exaggerated
+    cheerfulness which is apt to prevail at Christmas time. I
+    consider it, therefore, to be eminently suited for a Christmas
+    Annual. Families are advised to read it in detachments of four
+    or five at a time. Married men who owe their wives' mothers
+    a grudge should lock them into a bare room, with a guttering
+    candle and this story. Death will be certain and not painless.
+    I've got one or two rods in pickle for the publishers. You
+    wait and see.--W.D."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+GEORGE GINSLING was alone in his College-rooms at Cambridge. His
+friends had just left him. They were quite the tip-top set in Christ's
+College, and the ashes of the cigarettes they had been smoking lay
+about the rich Axminster carpet. They had been talking about many
+things, as is the wont of young men, and one of them had particularly
+bothered GEORGE by asking him why he had refused a seat in the
+University Trial Eights after rowing No. 5 in his College boat. GEORGE
+had no answer ready, and had replied angrily. Now, he thought of
+many answers. This made him nervous. He paced quickly up and down the
+deserted room, sipping his seventh tumbler of brandy, as he walked. It
+was his invariable custom to drink seven tumblers of neat brandy every
+night to steady himself, and his College career had, in consequence,
+been quite unexceptionable up to the present moment. He used playfully
+to remind his Dean of PORSON's drunken epigram, and the good man
+always accepted this as an excuse for any false quantities in GEORGE's
+Greek Iambics. But to-night, as I have said, GEORGE was nervous with a
+strange nervousness, and he, therefore, went to bed, having previously
+blown out his candle and placed his Waterbury watch under his pillow,
+on the top of which sat a Devil wearing a thick jersey worked with
+large green spots on a yellow ground.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+Now this Devil was a Water-Devil of the most pronounced type. His
+head-quarters were on the Thames at Barking, where there is a sewage
+outfall, and he had lately established a branch-office on the Cam,
+where he did a considerable business.
+
+Occasionally, he would run down to Cambridge himself, to consult
+with his manager, and on these occasions he would indulge his
+playful humour by going out at night and sitting on the pillows of
+Undergraduates.
+
+This was one of his nights out, and he had chosen GEORGE GINSLING's
+pillow as his seat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEORGE woke up with a start. What was this feeling in his throat?
+Had he swallowed his blanket, or his cocoa-nut matting? No, they
+were still in their respective places. He tore out his tongue and his
+tonsils, and examined them. They were on fire. This puzzled him. He
+replaced them. As he did so, a shower of red-hot coppers fell from his
+mouth on to his feet. The agony was awful. He howled, and danced about
+the room. Then he dashed at the whiskey, but the bottle ducked as he
+approached, and he failed to tackle it. Poor GEORGE, you see, was a
+rowing-man, not a football-player. Then he knew what he wanted. In
+his keeping-room were six _carafes_, full of Cambridge water, and a
+dozen bottles of Hunyádi Janos. He rushed in, and hurled himself upon
+the bottles with all his weight. The crash was dreadful. The foreign
+bottles, being poor, frail things, broke at once. He lapped up the
+liquid like a thirsty dog. The _carafes_ survived. He crammed them
+with their awful contents, one after another, down his throat. Then he
+returned to his bed-room, seized his jug, and emptied it at one gulp.
+His bath was full. He lifted it in one hand, and drained it as dry
+as a University sermon. The thirst compelled him--drove him--made
+him--urged him--lashed him--forced him--shoved him--goaded him--to
+drink, drink, drink water, water, water! At last he was appeased. He
+had cried bitterly, and drunk up all his tears. He fell back on his
+bed, and slept for twenty-four hours, and the Devil went out and gave
+his gyp, STARLING, a complete set of instructions for use in case of
+flood.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+STARLING was a pale, greasy man. He was a devil of a gyp. He went into
+GEORGE's bed-room and shook his master by the shoulder. GEORGE woke
+up.
+
+"Bring me the College pump," he said. "I must have it. No, stay," he
+continued, as STARLING prepared to execute his orders, "a hair of the
+dog--bring it, quick, quick!"
+
+STARLING gave him three. He always carried them about with him in case
+of accidents. GEORGE devoured them eagerly, recklessly. Then with a
+deep sigh of relief, he went stark staring mad, and bit STARLING in
+the fleshy part of the thigh, after which he fell fast asleep again.
+On awaking, he took his name off the College books, gave STARLING a
+cheque for £5000, broke off his engagement, but forgot to post the
+letter, and consulted a Doctor.
+
+"What you want," said the Doctor, "is to be shut up for a year in the
+tap-room of a public-house. No water, only spirits. That must cure
+you."
+
+So GEORGE ordered STARLING to hire a public-house in a populous
+district. When this was done, he went and lived there. But you
+scarcely need to be told that STARLING had not carried out his orders.
+How could he be expected to do that? Only fifty-six pages of my book
+had been written, and even publishers--the most abandoned people on
+the face of the earth--know that that amount won't make a Christmas
+Annual. So STARLING hired a Temperance Hotel. As I have said, he was
+a devil of a gyp.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+The fact was this. One of GEORGE's great-great uncles had held a
+commission in the Blue Ribbon Army. GEORGE remembered this too late.
+The offer of a seat in the University Trial Eights must have suggested
+the blue ribbon which the University Crew wear on their straw hats.
+Thus the diabolical forces of heredity were roused to fever-heat, and
+the great-great uncle, with his blue ribbon, whose photograph hung in
+GEORGE's home over the parlour mantelpiece, became a living force in
+GEORGE's brain.
+
+GEORGE GINSLING went and lived in a suburban neighbourhood. It was
+useless. He married a sweet girl with various spiteful relations. In
+vain. He changed his name to PUMPDRY, and conducted a local newspaper.
+Profitless striving. STARLING was always at hand, always ready
+with the patent filter, and as punctual in his appearances as the
+washing-bill or the East wind. I repeat, he was a devil of a gyp.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+They found GEORGE GINSLING feet uppermost in six inches of water in
+the Daffodil Road reservoir. It was a large reservoir, and had been
+quite full before GEORGE began upon it. This was his record drink, and
+it killed him. His last words were, "If I had stuck to whiskey, this
+would never have happened."
+
+THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"IT IS THE BOGIE MAN!"--BLACKIE'S _Modern Cyclopedia_. Nothing to do
+with the Christy Minstrel Entertainment, but a very useful work of
+reference, issued from the ancient house of publishers which is now
+quite BLACKIE with age. We have looked through the "B's" for "Bogie,"
+but "The Bogie Man" is "Not there, not there, my child!" but he is
+to be found in that other BLACKIE's collection at the St. James's
+Hall, which Bogie Man is said to be the original of that ilk.
+_Unde derivatur_ "Bogie"? Perhaps the next edition of BLACKIE's
+_still-more-Modern-than-ever Cyclopedia will explain_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS ABOUT PICTURES (_by Old Par_).--At the Fine Art Society's Gallery
+I gazed upon the pictures of "Many-sided Nature" with great content,
+and came to the conclusion that Mr. ALBERT GOODWIN was a many-sided
+artist. "Now," said I, quoting SHAKSPEARE--_Old Par's Improved
+Edition_--"is the GOODWIN of our great content made glorious." O.P.,
+who knows every inch of Abingdon, who has gazed upon Hastings from
+High Wickham, who is intimate with every brick in Dorchester, who
+loves every reed and ripple on the Thames, and has a considerable
+knowledge of the Rigi and Venice, can bear witness to the truth of the
+painter. There are over seventy pictures--every one worth looking at.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BUSINESS!"
+
+[Illustration: _Sweater_ (_to Mr. Punch_). "NO USE YOUR INTERFERING.
+BUSINESS IS BUSINESS!"
+
+_Mr. P._ "YES, AND UNCOMMONLY BAD BUSINESS, TOO, FOR _THEM_. COULDN'T
+THE LARGE FIRMS TAKE A TRIFLE LESS PROFIT, AND PUT A LITTLE PLEASURE
+INTO THE BUSINESS OF THESE POOR STARVING WORKERS?"]
+
+    ["Business!" cries the Sweater, when remonstrated with
+    for paying the poor Match-box makers twopence-farthing or
+    twopence-half-penny a gross, whilst his own profits reach
+    22-1/2 to 25 per cent.--_Daily News_.]
+
+_PUNCH TO THE SWEATING SHYLOCK._
+
+  Eh? "Business is business"? Sheer cant, Sir! Pure gammon?
+  Of all the inhuman, sham Maxims of Mammon,
+    This one is the worst,
+  For under its cover lurks cruelty callous,
+  With murderous meanness that merits the gallows,
+    And avarice accurst.
+
+  Oh, well, I'm aware, Sir, how ruthless rapacity
+  Loves to take shelter, with cunning mendacity
+    'Neath an old saw;
+  But well says the scribe that such "business" is crime, Sir,
+  And such would be but for gaps half the time, Sir,
+    'Twixt justice and law.
+
+  Bah! Many a man who's sheer rogue in reality,
+  Hides the harsh knave in the mask of "legality."
+    When 'tis too gross,
+  Robbery's rash, but austere orthodoxies
+  Countenance such things as modern match-boxes
+    Nine-farthings a gross!
+
+  From seven till ten, and sometimes to eleven,
+  For "six bob" a week. Ah! such life _must_ be heaven;
+    Whilst as for your "profit,"
+  That's bound to approach five-and-twenty per cent.,
+  That Sweaters shall thrive, let their tools be content
+    With starvation in Tophet.
+
+  To starve's bad enough, but to starve and to work
+  (Mrs. LABOUCHERE hints), the most patient may irk;
+    And the lady is right--
+  Business? On brutes who dare mouth such base trash,
+  _Mr. Punch_, who loves justice and sense, lays his lash,
+    With the greatest delight.
+
+  He knows the excuses advanced for the Sweater,
+  But bad is the best, and, until you find better,
+    'Tis useless to cant
+  Of freedom of contract, supply and demand,
+  And all the cold sophistries ever on hand
+    Sound sense to supplant.
+
+  A phrase takes the place of an argument often.
+  And stomachs go empty, and brains slowly soften,
+    And sense sick with dizziness,
+  All in the name of the bosh men embody
+  In one clap-trap phrase that dupes many a noddy,
+    That--business is business!
+
+  Business? Yes, precious bad business for them, Sir,
+  Whose joyless enslavement _you_ take with such phlegm, Sir,
+    Suppose, to enhance
+  Their small share of ease, such as you, were content, Sir,
+  To lower a trifle your precious "per cent.," Sir,
+    And give _them_ a chance!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOFT SAWDER.
+
+"BUT I DON'T CALL THIS A FASHIONABLE 'AT!"
+
+"IT WILL SOON _BECOME_ SO, MADAM, IF _YOU_ WEAR IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: A Christmas Masque.]
+
+In _Camp and Studio_, Mr. IRVING MONTAGU, some time on the artistic
+staff of _The Illustrated London News_, gives his experiences of the
+Russo-Turkish Campaign. He concisely sums up the qualifications of a
+War Correspondent by saying that he should "have an iron constitution,
+a laconic, incisive style, and sufficient tact to establish a safe
+and rapid connecting link between the forefront of battle and his own
+head-quarters in Fleet Street or elsewhere." As Mr. IRVING MONTAGU
+seems to have lived up to his ideal, it is a little astonishing to
+find the last chapters of his book devoted to _Back in Bohemia_,
+wherein he discourses of going to the Derby, a Hammersmith
+_Desdemona_, and of the _Postlethwaites_ and _Maudles_, "whose
+peculiarities have been recorded by the facile pen of DU MAURIER." But
+as the author seems pleased with the reader, it would be indeed sad
+were the reader to find fault with the author. However, this may be
+said in his favour--he tells (at least) one good story. On his return
+from Plevna to Bohemia, a dinner was given in his honour at the
+Holborn Restaurant. Every detail was perfect--the only omission was
+forgetfulness on the part of the Committee to invite _the guest of
+the evening_! At the last moment the mistake was discovered, and a
+telegram was hurriedly despatched to Mr. MONTAGU, telling him that he
+was "wanted." On his arrival he was refused admittance to the dinner
+by the waiters, because he was not furnished with a ticket! Ultimately
+he was ushered into the Banqueting Hall, when everything necessarily
+ended happily.
+
+One might imagine that Birthday Books have had their day, but
+apparently they still flourish, for HAZELL, WATSON, & VINEY publish
+yet another, under the title of _Names we Love, and Places we Know_.
+The first does not apply to our friends, but to the quotations
+selected, and places are shown by photos.
+
+Of many _Beneficent and Useful Lives_, you will hear "in
+CHAMBERS,"--the reader sitting as judge on the various cases brought
+before him by Mr. ROBERT COCHRANE.
+
+_Unlucky_ will not be the little girl who reads the book with this
+name, by CAROLINE AUSTIN.
+
+_Everybody's Business_, by ISMAY THORN, nobody likes interference, but
+in this case it proved the friend in need.
+
+_Chivalry_, by LÉON GAUTIER, translated by HENRY FRITH, is a chronicle
+of knighthood, its rules, and its deeds. To the scientific student,
+_Discoveries and Inventions of the Nineteenth Century_, by ROBERT
+ROUTLEDGE, B.S., F.C.S., will be interesting, and help him to discover
+a lot he does not know. Those who have not already read it, _A Wonder
+Book for Girls and Boys_, by NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, will have a real
+treat in the myths related; _Tanglewood Tales_ are included, and these
+are delightful for all. _Rosebud_, by Mrs. ADAMS ACTON, a tale for
+girls, who will love this bright little flower, bringing happiness all
+around.
+
+_Holly Leaves_, the Special Number of _The Sporting and Dramatic_, is
+quite a seasonable decoration for the drawing-room table during the
+Christmas holidays.
+
+My faithful "Co." has been reading _Jack's Secret_, by Mrs.
+LOVETT CAMERON, which, he says, has greatly pleased him. It has
+an interesting story, and is full of clever sketches of character.
+_Jack_, himself, is rather a weak personage, and scarcely deserves the
+good fortune which ultimately falls to his lot. After flirting with a
+born coquette, who treats him with a cruelty which is not altogether
+unmerited, he settles down with a thoroughly lovable little wife, and
+a seat in the House of Lords. From this it will be gathered that all
+ends happily. _Jack's Secret_ will be let out by MUDIE's, and will be
+kept, for a considerable time--by the subscribers.
+
+Girls will be the richer this year by _Fifty-two more Stories for
+Girls_, and boys will be delighted with _Fifty-two more Stories for
+Boys_, by many of the best authors: both these books are edited by
+ALFRED MILES, and published by HUTCHISON & Co. _Lion Jack_, by P.T.
+BARNUM, is an account of JACK's perilous adventures in capturing wild
+animals. If they weren't, of course, all true, _Lyin' Jack_ would have
+been a better title.
+
+_Syd Belton_, unlike most story-book boys, would not go to sea, but he
+was made to _go_, by the author, Mr. MANVILLE FENN. Once launched, he
+proved himself a British salt of the first water. _Dumps and I_, by
+Mrs. PARR, is a _par_ticularly pretty book for girls, and quite on a
+par with, her other works. METHUEN & CO. publish these.
+
+_Pictures and Stories from English History_, and _Royal Portrait
+Gallery_, are two Royal Prize Books for the historical-minded child;
+they are published by T. NELSON AND SONS, as likewise "_Fritz_" _of
+Prussia, Germany's Second Emperor_, by LUCY TAYLOR. _Dictionary of
+Idiomatic English Phrases_, by JAMES MAIN DIXON, M.A., F.R.S.E., which
+may prove a useful guide to benighted foreigners in assisting them to
+solve the usual British vagaries of speech; like the commencement of
+the Dictionary, it is quite an "A1" book.
+
+"Dear Diary!" as one of Mr. F.C. PHILLIPS's heroines used to
+address her little book, but DE LA RUE's are not "dear Diaries," nor
+particularly cheap ones. This publisher is quite the Artful Dodger in
+devising diaries in all shapes and sizes, from the big pocket-book to
+the more insidious waistcoat-pocket booklet,--"small by degrees, but
+beautifully less."
+
+"Here's to you, TOM SMITH!"--it's BROWN in the song, but no
+matter,--"Here's to you," sings the Baron, "with all my heart!" Your
+comic gutta-percha-faced Crackers are a novelty; in fact, you've
+solved a difficulty by introducing into our old Christmas Crackers
+several new features.
+
+This year the Baron gives the prize for pictorial amusement to LOTHAR
+MEGGENDORFER (Gods! what a name!), who, assisted by his publishers,
+GREVEL & CO., has produced an irresistibly funny book of movable
+figures, entitled _Comic Actors_. What these coloured actors do is so
+moving, that the spectators will be in fits of chuckling. Recommended,
+says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS."
+
+ARGUMENT.--EDWIN has taken ANGELINA, his _fiancée_, to an
+entertainment by a Mesmerist, and, wishing to set his doubts at
+rest, has gone upon the platform, and placed himself entirely at the
+Mesmerist's disposition. On rejoining ANGELINA, she has insisted upon
+being taken home immediately, and has cried all the way back in the
+hansom--much to EDWIN's perplexity. They are alone together, in a
+Morning-room; ANGELINA is still sobbing in an arm-chair, and EDWIN is
+rubbing his ear as he stands on the hearthrug.
+
+_Edwin_. I say, ANGELINA, don't go on like this, or we shall have
+somebody coming in! I wouldn't have gone up if I'd known it would
+upset you like this; but I only wanted to make quite sure that the
+whole thing was humbug, and--(_complacently_)--I rather think I
+settled that.
+
+_Ang._ (_in choked accents_). You settled that?--but _how?_... Oh, go
+away--I can't bear to think of it all! [_Fresh outburst._
+
+_Ed._ You're a little nervous, darling, that's all--and you see, I'm
+all right. I felt a little drowsy once, but I knew perfectly well what
+I was about all the time.
+
+_Ang._ (_with a bound_). You knew?--then you _were_ pretending--and
+you call that a good joke! _Oh!_
+
+_Ed._ Hardly pretending. I just sat still, with my eyes shut, and the
+fellow stroked my face a bit. I waited to see if anything would come
+of it--and nothing did, that's all. At least, I'm not aware that I did
+anything peculiar. In fact, I'm _certain_ I didn't. (_Uneasily._) Eh,
+ANGELINA?
+
+_Ang._ (_indistinctly, owing to her face being buried in cushions_).
+If you d-d-d-on't really know, you'd bub-bub-better-not ask--but I
+believe you do--quite well!
+
+_Ed._ Look here, ANGIE, if I behaved at all out of the common, it's
+just as well that I should know it. I don't recollect it, that's all.
+Do pull yourself together, and tell me all about it.
+
+_Ang._ (_sitting up_). Very well--if you will have it, you must. But
+you can't really have forgotten how you stood before the footlights,
+making the most horrible faces, as if you were in front of a
+looking-glass. All those other creatures were doing it, too; but, oh,
+EDWIN, yours were far the ugliest--they haunt me still.... I mustn't
+think of them--I won't! [_Buries her face again._
+
+_Ed._ (_reddening painfully_). No, I say--_did_ I? not really--without
+humbug, ANGELINA!
+
+_Ang._ _You_ know best if it was without humbug! And, after that, he
+gave you a glass of cuc-cod-liver oil, and--and pup-pup-paraffin,
+and you dud-drank it up, and asked for more, and said it was the
+bub-bub-best Scotch whiskey you ever tasted. You oughtn't even to
+_know_ about Scotch whiskey!
+
+_Ed._ I can't know much if I did _that_. Odd I shouldn't remember it,
+though. Was that all?
+
+_Ang._ Oh, no. After that you sang--a dreadful song--and pretended to
+accompany yourself on a broom. EDWIN, you know you did; you can't deny
+it!
+
+_Ed._ I--I didn't know I _could_ sing; and--did you say on a broom?
+It's bad enough for me already, ANGELINA, without _howling_! Well, I
+sang--and what then?
+
+_Ang._ Then he put out a cane with a silver top close to your face,
+and you squinted at it, and followed it about everywhere with your
+nose; you _must_ have known how utterly idiotic you looked!
+
+_Ed._ (_dropping into a chair_). Not at the time.... Well, go on,
+ANGELINA; let's have it all. What next?
+
+_Ang._ Next? Oh, next he told you you were the Champion Acrobat of
+the World, and you began to strike foolish attitudes, and turn great
+clumsy somersaults all over the stage, and you always came down on the
+flat of your back!
+
+_Ed._ I _thought_ I felt a trifle stiff. Somersaults, eh? Anything
+else? (_With forced calm._)
+
+_Ang._ I did think I should have _died_ of shame when you danced?
+
+_Ed._ Oh, I _danced_, did I? Hum--er--was I _alone_?
+
+_Ang._ There were four other wretches dancing too, and you imitated
+a ballet. You were dressed up in an artificial wreath and a
+gug-gug-gauze skirt.
+
+_Ed._ (_collapsing_). No?? I _wasn't_!... Heavens! What a bounder I
+must have looked! But I say, ANGIE, it was all _right_. I suppose? I
+mean to say I wasn't exactly vulgar, or that sort of thing, eh?
+
+_Ang._ Not vulgar? Oh, EDWIN? I can only say I was truly thankful
+_Mamma_ wasn't there!
+
+_Ed._ (_wincing_). Now, don't, ANGELINA it's quite awful enough as it
+is. What beats me is how on earth I came to _do_ it all.
+
+_Ang._ You see, EDWIN, I wouldn't have minded so much if I had had the
+least idea you were like _that_.
+
+_Ed._ Like that! Good Heavens. ANGIE, am I in the habit of making
+hideous grimaces before a looking-glass? Do you suppose I am
+given to over-indulgence in cod-liver oil and whatever the other
+beastliness was? Am I acrobatic in my calmer moments? Did you ever
+know me sing--with or without a broom? I'm a shy man by nature
+(_pathetically_), more shy than you _think_, perhaps,--and in my
+normal condition, I should be the last person to prance about in a
+gauze skirt for the amusement of a couple of hundred idiots? I don't
+believe I did, either!
+
+_Ang._ (_impressed by his evident sincerity_). But you said you knew
+what you were about all the time!
+
+_Ed._ I thought so, then. Now--well, hang it, I suppose there's more
+in this infernal Mesmerism than I fancied. There, it's no use talking
+about it--it's done. You--you won't mind shaking hands before I go,
+will you? Just for the last time?
+
+_Ang._ (_alarmed_). Why--where are you going?
+
+_Ed._ (_desperate_). Anywhere--go out and start on a _ranche_, or
+something, or join the Colonial Police force. Anything's better than
+staying on here after the stupendous ass I've made of myself!
+
+_Ang._ But--but, EDWIN, I daresay nobody _noticed_ it much.
+
+_Ed._ According to you, I must have been a pretty conspicuous object.
+
+_Ang._ Yes--only, you see, I--I daresay they'd only think you were
+a confederate or something--no, I don't mean that--but, after all,
+indeed you didn't make such _very_ awful faces. I--I _liked_ some of
+them!
+
+_Ed._ (_incredulously_). But you said they haunted you--and then the
+oil, and the somersaults, and the ballet-dancing. No, it's no use,
+ANGELINA, I can see you'll never get over this. It's better to part
+and have done with it!
+
+_Ang._ (_gradually retracting_). Oh, but listen. I--I didn't mean
+quite all I said just now. I mixed things up. It was really whiskey
+he gave you, only he _said_ it was paraffin, and so you wouldn't drink
+it, and you _did_ sing, but it was only about some place where an old
+horse died, and it was somebody else who had the broom! And you didn't
+dance nearly so much as the others, and--and whatever you did, you
+were never in the least ridiculous. (_Earnestly_). You weren't,
+_really_, EDWIN!
+
+_Ed._ (_relieved_). Well. I thought you must have been exaggerating a
+little. Why, look here, for all you know, you may have been mistaking
+somebody else for me all the time--don't you see?
+
+_Ang._ I--I am almost sure I did, now. Yes, why, of course--how stupid
+I have been! It was someone very like you--not you at all!
+
+_Ed._ (_resentfully_). Well, I must say, ANGELINA, that to give a
+fellow a fright like this, all for nothing--
+
+_Ang._ Yes--yes, it was all for nothing, it was so silly of me.
+Forgive me, EDWIN, please!
+
+_Ed._ (_still aggrieved_). I know for a fact that I didn't so much as
+leave my chair, and to say I _danced_, ANGELINA!
+
+_Ang._ (_eagerly_). But I _don't_. I remember now, you sat perfectly
+still the whole time, he--he said he could do nothing with you, don't
+you recollect? (_Aside._) Oh, what stories I'm telling!
+
+_Ed._ (_with recovered dignity_). Of course I recollect--perfectly.
+Well, ANGELINA, I'm not _annoyed_, of course, darling; but another
+time, you should really try to observe more closely what _is_ done and
+who _does_ it--before making all this fuss about nothing.
+
+_Ang._ But you won't go and be mesmerised again, EDWIN--not after
+this?
+
+_Ed._ Well, you see, as I always said, it hasn't the slightest effect
+on me. But from what I observed, I am perfectly satisfied that
+the whole thing is a fraud. All those other fellows were obviously
+accomplices, or they'd never have gone through such absurd
+antics--would they now?
+
+_Ang._ (_meekly_). No, dear, of course not. But don't let's talk any
+more about it. There are so many things it's no use trying to explain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW IT'S DONE.
+
+(_A HAND-BOOK TO HONESTY._)
+
+NO. VII.--SELLING A HORSE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    SCENE I.--_A Horse-Sale. Inexperienced Person, in search of a
+    cheap but sound animal for business purposes, looking on in
+    a nervous and undecided manner, half tempted to bid for the
+    horse at present under the hammer. To him approaches a grave
+    and closely-shaven personage, in black garments, of clerical
+    cut, a dirty-white tie, and a crush felt hat._
+
+_Clerical Gent_. They are running that flea-bitten grey up pretty
+well, are they not. Sir?
+
+_Inexperienced Person_. Ahem! ye-es, I suppose they are. I--er--was
+half thinking of bidding myself, but it's going a bit beyond me, I
+fear.
+
+_C.G._ Ah, plant, Sir--to speak the language of these horsey
+vulgarians--a regular plant! You are better out of it, believe me.
+
+_I.P._ _In_-deed! You don't say so?
+
+_C.G._ (_sighing_). Only too true. Sir. Why--(_in a gush of
+confidence_)--look at my own case. Being obliged to leave the country,
+and give up my carriage, I put my horse into this sale, at a _very_
+low reserve of twenty pounds. (_Entre nous_, it's worth at least
+double that.) Between the Auctioneer, and a couple of rascally
+horse-dealers--who I found out, by pure accident, wanted my animal
+particularly _for a match pair_--the sale of my horse is what _they_
+call "bunnicked up." _Then_ they come to me, and offer me money. I
+spot their game, and am so indignant that I'll have nothing to do with
+them, at _any_ price. Wouldn't sell dear old _Bogey_, whom my wife
+and children are so fond of, to such brutal blackguards, on _any_
+consideration. No, Sir, the horse has done me good service--a sounder
+nag never walked on four hoofs; and I'd rather sell it to a good,
+kind master, for twenty pounds, aye, or even eighteen, than let these
+rascals have it, though they _have_ run up as high as thirty q----,
+ahem! guineas.
+
+_I.P._ Have they indeed, now? And what have you done with the horse?
+
+_C.G._ Put it into livery close by, Sir. And, unless I can find a good
+master for it, by Jove, I'll take it back again, and _give it away to
+a friend_. Perhaps, Sir, you'd like to have a look at the animal. The
+stables are only in the next street, and--as a friend, and with no
+eye to business--I should be pleased to show poor _Bogey_ to anyone so
+sympathetic as yourself.
+
+    [_I.P., after some further chat of a friendly nature, agrees
+    to go and "run his eye over him."_
+
+    SCENE II.--_Greengrocer's yard at side of a seedy house in a
+    shabby street, slimy and straw-bestrewn. Yard is paved with
+    lumpy, irregular cobbles, and some sooty and shaky-looking
+    sheds stand at the bottom thereof. Enter together, Clerical
+    Gent and Inexperienced Person._
+
+_C.G._ (_smiling apologetically_). Not exactly palatial premises for
+an animal used to _my_ stables at Wickham-in-the-Wold! But I know
+these people, Sir; they are kind as Christians, and as honest as
+the day. Hoy! TOM! TOM!! TOM!!! Are you there, TOM? [_From the shed
+emerges a very small boy with very short hair, and a very long livery,
+several sizes too large for him, the tail of the brass-buttoned coat
+and the bottoms of the baggy trousers alike sweeping the cobbles as
+he shambles forward_]. (_C.G. genially_.) Ah, there you are, TOM, my
+lad. Bring out dear old _Bogey_, and show it to my friend here. [_Boy
+leads out a rusty roan Rosinante, high in bone, and low in flesh,
+with prominent hocks, and splay hoofs, which stumble gingerly over the
+cobbles._] (_Patting the horse affectionately._) Ah, poor old _Bogey_,
+he doesn't like these lumpy stones, does he? Not used to them, Sir.
+My stable-yard at Wickham-in-the-Wold, is as smoothly paved as--as the
+Alhambra, Sir. I always _consider_ my animals, Sir. A merciful man is
+merciful to his beast, as the good book says. But _isn't_ he a Beauty?
+
+_I.P._ Well--ahem!--ye-es; he looks a kind, gentle, steady sort of a
+creature. But--ahem!--what's the matter with his knees?
+
+_C.G._ Oh, nothing, Sir, nothing at all. Only a habit he has got
+_along of kind treatment_. Like us when we "stand at ease," you know,
+a bit baggy, that's all. You should see him after a twenty miles
+spin along our Wickham roads, when my wife and I are doing a round
+of visits among the neighbouring gentry. Ah, _Bogey, Bogey_, old
+boy--_kissing his nose_--I don't know what Mrs. G. and the girls will
+say when they hear I've parted with you--if I do, _if_ I do.
+
+    _Enter two horsey-looking Men as though in search of
+    something._
+
+_First Horsey Man_. Ah, here you are. Well, look 'ere, are you going
+to take Thirty Pounds for that horse o' yourn? Yes or No!
+
+_C.G._ (_turning upon them with dignity_). _No_, Sir; most
+emphatically _No!_ I've told you before I will not sell him to you
+at _any_ price. Have the goodness to leave us--_at once_, I'm engaged
+with my friend here.
+
+    [_Horsey Men turn away despondently. Enter hurriedly, a
+    shabby-looking Groom._
+
+_Groom_. Oh, look here, Mister--er--er--wot's yer name? His
+Lordship wants to know whether you'll take his offer of Thirty-five
+Pounds--_or_ Guineas--for that roan. He wouldn't offer as much, only
+it happens jest to match--
+
+_C.G._ (_with great decisiveness_). Inform his Lordship, with my
+compliments, that I regret to be entirely unable to entertain his
+proposition.
+
+_Groom_. Oh, _very_ well. But I wish you'd jest step out and tell his
+Lordship so yerself. He's jest round the corner at the 'otel entrance,
+a flicking of his boots, as irritated as a blue-bottle caught in a
+cowcumber frame.
+
+_C.G._ Oh, _certainly_, with pleasure. (_To I.P._) If you'll excuse
+me, Sir, just one moment, I'll step out and speak to his Lordship.
+
+    [_Exit, followed by_ Groom.
+
+_Horsey Person_ (_making a rush at I.P. as soon as C.G. has
+disappeared, speaking in a breathless hurry_). Now lookye here,
+guv'nor--sharp's the word! He'll be back in arf a jiff. _You buy that
+'oss!_ He won't sell it to _us_, bust 'im; but you've got 'im in a
+string, you 'ave. He'll sell it to _you_ for eighteen quid--p'raps
+sixteen. _Buy_ it, Sir, buy it! We'll be outside, by the pub at the
+corner, my pal and me, and--(_producing notes_)--we'll take it off
+you agen for _thirty pounds_, and glad o' the charnce. We want it
+pertikler, we do, and you can 'elp us, and put ten quid in your own
+pocket too as easy as be blowed. Ah! here he is! Mum's the word! Round
+the corner by the pub! [_Exeunt hurriedly._
+
+_Clerical Gent_ (_blandly_). Ah! _that's_ settled. His Lordship was
+angry, but I was firm. Take _Bogey_ back to the stable, TOM--_unless_,
+of course--(_looking significantly at Inexperienced Person_).
+
+_Inexperienced Person_ (_hesitating_). Well, I'm not sure but what the
+animal would suit me, and--ahem!--if you care to trust it to me--
+
+_Clerical Gent_ (_joyously_). Trust it to _you_, Sir? Why, with
+pleasure, with every confidence. Dear old _Bogey_! He'll be happy
+with such a master--ah, and do him service too. I tell you, Sir, that
+horse, to a quiet, considerate sort o' gent like yourself, who wants
+to _work_ his animal, not to wear it out, is worth forty pound, every
+penny of it--and cheap at the price!
+
+_I.P._ Thanks! And--ah--what _is_ the figure?
+
+_C.G._ Why--ah--eighteen--no, dash it!--sixteen _to you_, and say no
+more about it.
+
+    [_Inexperienced Person closes with the offer, hands notes
+    to Clerical Gent (who, under pressure of business, hurries
+    off), takes Bogey from the grinning groom-lad, leads
+    him--with difficulty--out into the street, searches vainly for
+    the two horsey Men, who, like "his Lordship," have utterly
+    and finally disappeared, and finds himself left alone in a
+    bye-thoroughfare with a "horse," which he cannot get along
+    anyhow, and which he is presently glad to part with to a
+    knacker for thirty shillings._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN.
+
+_Hired Waiter_ (_handling the liqueurs_). "_PLEASE_, SIR, _DON'T_ MAKE
+ME LAUGH--I SHALL SPILL 'EM ALL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WRITE AND WRONG.
+
+As so many private letters are sold at public sales nowadays, it has
+become necessary to consider the purport of every epistle regarded,
+so to speak, from a _post-mortem_ point of view. If a public man
+expresses a confidential opinion in the fulness of his heart to
+an intimate friend, or proposes an act of charity to a cherished
+relative, he may rest assured that, sooner or later, both
+communications will be published to an unsympathetic and
+autograph-hunting world. Under these circumstances it may be well
+to answer the simplest communications in the most guarded manner
+possible. For instance, a reply to a tender of hospitality might run
+as follows:--
+
+    _Private and Confidential. Not negotiable._
+
+Mr. DASH BLANK has much pleasure in accepting Mr. BLANK DASH's
+invitation to dinner on the 8th inst.
+
+_N.B.--This letter is the property of the Writer. Not for publication.
+All rights reserved._
+
+Or, if the writer feels that his letter, if it gets into the hands
+of the executors, will be sold, he must adopt another plan. It will
+be then his object to so mix up abuse of the possible vendors with
+ordinary matter, that they (the possible vendors) may shrink, after
+the death of the recipient, from making their own condemnation
+public. The following may serve as a model for a communication of this
+character. The words printed in italics in the body of the letter
+are the antidotal abuse introduced to prevent a posthumous sale by
+possible executors.
+
+_Private and Confidential. Not to be published. Signature a forgery._
+
+    DEAR OLD MAN,--I nearly completed my book. _Your nephew,
+    TOM LESLEIGH, is an ass._ My wife is slowly recovering from
+    influenza. _Your Aunt, JANE JENKINS, wears a wig._ TOMMY,
+    you will be glad to learn, has come out first of twenty in
+    his new class at school. _Your Uncle, BENJAMIN GRAHAM, is a
+    twaddling old bore._ I am thinking of spending the Midsummer
+    holidays with the boys and their mother at Broadstairs. _Your
+    Cousin, JACK JUGGERLY, is a sweep that doesn't belong to a
+    single respectable Club._ Trusting that you will burn this
+    letter, to prevent its sale after we are gone,
+
+    I remain, yours affectionately,
+
+    BOBBY.
+
+_N.B.--The foregoing letter is the property of the Author, and, as
+it is only intended for private circulation, must not be printed.
+Solicitors address,--Ely Place_.
+
+But perhaps the best plan will be, not to write at all. The telegraph,
+at the end of the century, costs but a halfpenny a word, and we seem
+to be within measurable distance of the universal adoption of the
+telephone. Under these circumstances, it is easy to take heed of the
+warning contained in that classical puzzle of our childhood, _Litera
+scripta manet_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION OF TASTE.
+
+_Mr. Punch_. Well, Madam, what can I do for you?
+
+_Female_ (_of Uncertain Age, gushingly_). A very great favour, my dear
+Sir; it is a matter of sanitation.
+
+_Mr. P._ (_coldly_). I am at your service, Madam, but I would remind
+you that I have no time to listen to frivolous complaints.
+
+_Fem._ I would ask you--do you think that a building open to the
+public should be crowded with double as many persons as it can
+conveniently hold?
+
+_Mr. P._ Depends upon circumstances, Madam. It might possibly
+be excusable in a Church, assuming that the means of egress were
+sufficient. Of what building do you wish to complain?
+
+_Fem._ Of the Old Bailey--you know, the Central Criminal Court.
+
+_Mr. P._ Have you to object to the accommodation afforded you in the
+Dock?
+
+_Fem._ _I_ was not in the Dock!
+
+_Mr. P._ (_dryly_). That is the only place (when not in the
+Witness-Box) suitable for women at the Old Bailey. I cannot imagine
+that they would go to that unhappy spot of their own free will.
+
+_Fem._ (_astonished_). Not to see a Murder trial? Then you are
+evidently unaccustomed to ladies' society.
+
+_Mr. P._ (_severely_). I do not meet _ladies_ at the Old Bailey.
+
+_Fem._ (_bridling up_). Indeed! But that is nothing to do with the
+matter of the overcrowding. Fancy, with our boasted civilisation--I
+was _half_ stifled!
+
+_Mr. P._ It is a pity, with our boasted civilisation, that you were
+not stifled--_quite!_ (_Severely._) You can go!
+
+    [_The Female retires, with an expression worthy of her proper
+    place--the Chamber of Horrors!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN DIFFICULTIES!
+
+Distressed Hibernia. "If your tandem leader turns vicious, and kicks
+over the traces,--where are you?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TAKING IT COOLLY.
+
+_Old Gent_ (_out for a quiet ride with the Devon and Somerset_).
+"CONFOUND THESE HARD-RIDING YOUNG RASCALS, THEY'LL BE SMASHING MY HAT
+ONE OF THESE DAYS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NONOGENARIAN NONSENSE.
+
+(_COMPILED À LA MODE._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I have so often been urged by my friends to write my autobiography,
+that at length I have taken up my pen to comply with their wishes. My
+memory, although I may occasionally become slightly mixed, is still
+excellent, and having been born in the first year of the present
+century I consequently can remember both the Plague and Fire of
+London. The latter is memorable to me as having been the cause of my
+introduction to Sir CHRISTOPHER WREN, an architect of some note, and
+an intimate friend of Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS, and the late Mr. TURNER,
+R.A. Sir CHRISTOPHER had but one failing--he was never sober. To the
+day of his death he was under the impression that St. Paul's was St.
+Peter's!
+
+One of my earliest recollections is the great physician HARVEY, who,
+indeed, knew me from my birth. Although an exceedingly able man,
+he was a confirmed glutton. He would at the most ceremonious of
+dinner-parties push his way through the guests (treating ladies and
+gentlemen with the like discourtesy) and plumping himself down in
+front of the turtle soup, would help himself to the entire contents of
+the tureen, plus the green fat! During the last years of his life he
+abandoned medicine to give his attention to cookery, and (so I have
+been told) ultimately invented a fish sauce!
+
+I knew HOWARD, the so-called philanthropist, very well. He was
+particularly fond of dress, although extremely economical in his
+washing bill. It was his delight to visit the various prisons and
+obtain a hideous pleasure in watching the tortures of the poor
+wretches therein incarcerated. He was fined and imprisoned for
+ill-treating a cat, if my memory does not play me false. I have been
+told that he once stole a pockethandkerchief, but at this distance of
+time cannot remember where I heard the story.
+
+It is one of my proudest recollections that, in early youth, I had
+the honour of being presented to her late most gracious Majesty, Queen
+ANNE, of glorious memory. The drawing-room was held at Buckingham
+Palace, which in those days was situated on the site now occupied
+by Marlborough House. I accompanied my mother, who wore, I remember,
+yellow brocade, and a wreath of red roses, without feathers. Round
+the throne were grouped--the Duke of MARLBOROUGH (who kept in the
+background because he had just been defeated at Fontenoy), Lord
+PALMERSTON, nick-named "Cupid" by Mistress NELL GWYNNE (a well-known
+Court beauty), Mr. GARRICK, and Signor GRIMALDI, two Actors of repute,
+and Cardinal WISEMAN, the Papal Nuncio. Her Majesty was most gracious
+to me, and introduced me to one of her predecessors, Queen ELIZABETH,
+a reputed daughter of King HENRY THE EIGHTH. Both Ladies laughed
+heartily at my curls, which in those days were more plentiful than
+they are now. I was rather alarmed at their lurching forward as I
+passed them, but was reassured when the Earl of ROCHESTER (the Lord
+Chamberlain) whispered in my ear that the Royal relatives had been
+lunching. As I left the presence, I noticed that both their Majesties
+were fast asleep.
+
+I have just mentioned Lord ROCHESTER, whose acquaintance I had the
+honour to possess. He was extremely austere, and very much disliked by
+the fair sex. On one occasion it was my privilege to clean his shoes.
+He had but one failing--he habitually cheated at cards. I will now
+tell a few stories of the like character about Bishop WILBERFORCE,
+THACKERAY, Mrs. FRY, PEABODY, WALTER SCOTT, and Father MATTHEW.
+
+    [No you don't, my venerable twaddler!--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LARGE CIGAR.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  You lie on the oaken mantle-shelf,
+    A cigar of high degree,
+  An old cigar, a large cigar,
+    A cigar that was given to me.
+  The house-flies bite you day by day--
+    Bite you, and kick, and sigh--
+  And I do not know what the insects say,
+    But they creep away and die.
+
+  My friends they take you gently up,
+    And lay you gently down;
+  They never saw a weed so big,
+    Or quite so deadly brown.
+  They, as a rule, smoke anything
+    They pick up free of charge;
+  But they leave you to rest while the bulbuls sing
+    Through the night, my own, my large!
+
+  The dust lies thick on your bloated form,
+    And the year draws to its close,
+  And the baccy-jar's been emptied--by
+    My laundress, I suppose.
+  Smokeless and hopeless, with reeling brain,
+    I turn to the oaken shelf,
+  And take you down, while my hot tears rain,
+    And smoke you, you brute, myself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PARNELL'S PARLIAMENTARY PUPPETS. THE STRINGS IN A
+TANGLE!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M.C.C. GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY.
+
+"Sir EDWARD WATKIN proposes to construct a Railway passing through
+Lord's Cricket Ground."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, December 1._--Tithes Bill down for Second
+Reading. GRAND YOUNG GARDNER places Amendment on the paper, which
+secures for him opportunity of making a speech. Having availed
+himself of this, did not move his Amendment; opening thus made for
+STUART-RENDEL, who had another Amendment on the paper. Would he move
+it? Only excitement of Debate settled round this point. Under good
+old Tory Government new things in Parliamentary procedure constantly
+achieved. Supposing half-a-dozen Members got together, drew up a
+number of Amendments, then ballot for precedence, they might arrange
+Debate without interposition of SPEAKER. First man gets off his
+speech, omits to move Amendment: second would come on, and so on, on
+to the end of list. But STUART-RENDEL moved Amendment, and on this
+Debate turned.
+
+[Illustration: Osborne Ap Morgan.]
+
+Not very lively affair, regarded as reflex of passionate protestation
+of angry little Wales. OSBORNE AP MORGAN made capital speech, but few
+remained to listen. Welshmen at outset meant to carry Debate over to
+next day; couldn't be done; and by half-past eleven, STUART-RENDEL's
+Amendment negatived by rattling majority.
+
+Fact is, gallant little Wales was swamped by irruptive Ireland.
+To-day, first meeting of actual Home Rule Parliament held, and
+everybody watching its course. This historic meeting gathered in
+Committee-room No. 15; question purely one of Home Rule; decided,
+after some deliberation, that, in order to have proceedings in due
+dramatic form, there should be incorporated with the meeting an
+eviction scene. After prolonged Debate, concluded that, to do the
+thing thoroughly, they should select PARNELL as subject of eviction.
+
+"No use," TIM HEALY said, "in half-doing the thing. The eyes of the
+Universe are fixed upon us. Let us give them a show for their money."
+
+PARNELL, at first, demurred; took exception on the ground that, as
+he had no fixed place of residence, he was not convenient subject
+for eviction; objection over-ruled; then PARNELL insisted that, if
+he yielded on this point, he must preside over proceedings. TIM and
+the rest urged that it was not usual, when a man's conduct is under
+consideration upon a grave charge, that he should take the Chair.
+Drawing upon the resources of personal observation, Dr. TANNER
+remarked that he did not remember any case in which the holder of
+a tenure, suffering process of eviction, bossed the concern, acting
+simultaneously, as it were, as the subject of the eviction process,
+and the resident Magistrate.
+
+Whilst conversation going on, PARNELL had unobserved taken the Chair,
+and now ruled Dr. TANNER out of order.
+
+House sat at Twelve o'Clock; at One the Speaker (Mr. PARNELL),
+interrupting SEXTON in passage of passionate eloquence, said he
+thought this would be convenient opportunity for going out to his
+chop. So he went off; Debate interrupted for an hour; resumed at One,
+and continued, with brief intervals for refreshment, up till close
+upon midnight. Proceedings conducted with closed doors, but along the
+corridor, from time to time, rolled echoes which seemed to indicate
+that the first meeting of the Home-Rule Parliament was not lacking
+inanimation.
+
+"I think they _are_ a little 'eated, Sir," said the policeman on duty
+outside. "Man and boy I've been in charge of this beat for twenty
+years; usually a quiet spot; this sudden row rather trying for one
+getting up in years. Do you think, Sir, that, seeing it's an eviction,
+the Police can under the Act claim Compensation for Disturbance?"
+
+Promised to put question on subject to JOKIM.
+
+Long dispute on point of order raised by NOLAN. TIM HEALY referring
+to difficulty of dislodging PARNELL, alluded to him as "Sitting Bull."
+Clamour from Parnellite section anxious for preservation of decency
+of debate. Speaker said, question most important. Irish Parliament
+in its infancy; above all things essential they should well consider
+precedents. Must reserve decision as to whether the phrase was
+Parliamentary; would suggest, therefore, that House should adjourn
+five weeks. On this point Debate proceeded up to midnight.
+
+_Business done_.--In British Parliament Tithes Bill read a Second
+Time; in Irish (which sat four hours longer), None.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Cork Parliament still sitting upstairs in Committee Room
+No. 15, debating question of adjournment. We hear them occasionally
+through open doors and down long corridor. Once a tremendous yell
+shook building.
+
+[Illustration: Caleb Balder(Glad)stone finding all that was left of
+the lost Leader, P-rn-ll.]
+
+"What's that?" I asked DICK POWER, who happened to be taking glass of
+sherry-wine at Bar in Lobby.
+
+"That," said RICHARD, "is the Irish wolves crying for the blood of
+PARNELL," and DICK, tossing down his sherry-wine, as if he had a
+personal quarrel with it, hurried back to the shambles.
+
+Quite a changed man! No longer the _débonnaire_ DICK, whose light
+heart and high spirits made him a favourite everywhere. Politics have
+suddenly become a serious thing, and DICK POWER is saddened with them.
+
+"I take bitters with my sherry-wine now," DICK mentioned just now in
+sort of apologetic way at having been discovered, as it were, feasting
+in the house of mourning. "At the present sad juncture, to drink
+sherry-wine with all its untamed richness might, I feel, smack of
+callousness. Therefore I tell the man to dash it with bitters, which,
+whilst it has a penitential sound, adds a not untoothsome flavour in
+anticipation of dinner."
+
+Even with this small comfort ten years added to his age; grey hairs
+gleam among his hyacinthine locks; his back is bent; his shoes are
+clogged with lead. A sad sight; makes one wish the pitiful business
+was over, and RICHARD himself again.
+
+All the best of the Irish Members, whether Cavaliers or Cromwellians,
+are depressed in same way. Came upon SWIFT MacNEILL in retired
+recess in Library this afternoon; standing up with right hand in
+trouser-pocket, and left hand extended (his favourite oratorical
+attitude in happier times) smiling in really violent fashion.
+
+"What are you playing at?" I asked him, noticing with curiosity that
+whilst his mouth was, so to speak, wreathed in smiles, a tear dewed
+the fringe of his closed eyelids.
+
+"Ah, TOBY, is that you?" he said, "I didn't see you coming. The fact
+is I came over here by myself to have me last smile."
+
+"Well, you're making the most of it," I said, wishing to encourage
+him.
+
+[Illustration: The Last Smile.]
+
+"I generally do, and as this is me last, I'm not stinting measurement.
+They're sad times we've fallen on. Just when it seemed victory was
+within our grasp it is snatched away, and we are, as one may say,
+flung on the dunghill amid the wreck of our country's hopes and
+aspirations. This is not a time to make merry. Me country's ruined,
+and SWIFT MacNEILL smiles no more."
+
+With that he shut up his jaws with a snap, and strode off. I'm sorry
+he should take the matter to heart so seriously. We shall miss that
+smile.
+
+_Business done_.--Irish Land Bill in British Parliament. Cork
+Parliament still sitting.
+
+_Thursday_.--Cork Parliament still sitting; PARNELL predominant;
+issues getting a little mixed; understood that Session summoned to
+decide whether, in view of certain proceedings before Mr. Justice
+BUTT, PARNELL should be permitted to retain Leadership. Everything
+been discussed but that. Things got so muddled up, that O'KEEFE,
+walking about, bowed with anxious thought, not quite certain whether
+it is TIM HEALY, SEXTON, or JUSTIN McCARTHY, who was involved in
+recent Divorce suit. Certainly, it couldn't have been PARNELL, who
+to-day suggests that the opportunity is fitting for putting Mr. G.
+in a tight place.
+
+[Illustration: Weighed down with Thought.]
+
+"You go to him," says PARNELL, "and demand certain pledges on Home
+Rule scheme. If he does not consent, he will be in a hole; threatened
+with loss of Irish Vote. You will be in a dilemma, as you cannot then
+side with him against me, the real friend of Ireland; whilst I shall
+be confirmed in my position as the only possible Leader of the Party.
+If, on the contrary, this unrivalled sophist is drawn into anything
+like a declaration that will satisfy you in the face of the Irish
+People, he will be hopelessly embarrassed with his English friends;
+I shall have paid off an old score, and can afford to retire from the
+Leadership, certain that in a few months the Irish People will clamour
+for the return of the man who showed that, if only he could serve
+them, he was ready to sacrifice his personal position and advantages.
+Don't, Gentlemen, let us, at a crisis like this, descend to topics of
+mere personality. In spite of what has passed at this table, I should
+like to shield my honourable friends, Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, Mr. SEXTON,
+and that _beau idéal_ of an Irish Member, Mr. JUSTIN McCARTHY,
+from references, of a kind peculiarly painful to them, to certain
+proceedings in a court of law with respect to which I will, before I
+sit down, say this, that, if all the facts were known, they would be
+held absolutely free from imputation of irregularity."
+
+General cheering greeted this speech. Members shook hands all round,
+and nominated Committee to go off and make things hot for Mr. G.
+_Business done_.--In British House Prince ARTHUR expounded Scheme for
+Relief of Irish Distress.
+
+_Friday_.--A dark shadow falls on House to-day. Mrs. PEEL died this
+morning, and our SPEAKER sits by a lonely hearth, OLD MORALITY, in his
+very best style, speaking with the simple language of a kind heart,
+voices the prevalent feeling. Mr. G., always at his best on these
+occasions, adds some words, though, as he finely says, any expression
+of sympathy is but inadequate medicine for so severe a hurt. Members
+reverently uncover whilst these brief speeches are made. That is a
+movement shown only when a Royal Message is read; and here is mention
+of a Message from the greatest and final King. Mrs. PEEL, though the
+wife of the First Commoner in the land, was not _une grande dame_. She
+was a kindly, homely lady, of unaffected manner, with keen sympathies
+for all that was bright and good. Every Member feels that something is
+lost to the House of Commons now that she lies still in her chamber at
+Speaker's Court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DRAMA ON CRUTCHES.--A Mr. GREIN has suggested, according to some
+Friday notes in the _D.T._, a scheme for subsidising a theatre and
+founding a Dramatic School. The latter, apparently, is not to aid the
+healthy but the decrepit drama, as it is intended "to afford succour
+to old or disabled actors and actresses." Why then call it a "Dramatic
+School?" Better style it, a "Dramatic-Second-Infancy-School."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEATH IN THE FIELD.--If things go on as they have been going lately,
+the statisticians who compile the "Public Health" averages will have
+to include, as one important item in their "Death Rates," the ravages
+of that annual epidemic popularly known as--Football!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"JUSTICE FOR IRELAND!"--The contest on the Chairmanship of the Irish
+Parliamentary Party may be summed up:--PARNELL--Just out, McCARTHY
+Just in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case
+be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+99., December 13, 1890, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 12905-8.txt or 12905-8.zip *****
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+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+          content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
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+    <title>Punch, December 13, 1890.</title>
+    <style type="text/css">
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99.,
+December 13, 1890, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., December 13, 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 14, 2004 [EBook #12905]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 99.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>December 13, 1890.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page277"
+       id="page277"></a>[pg 277]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. IX.&mdash;THE CURSE OF COGNAC.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>(<i>By</i> WATER DECANT, <i>Author of "Chaplin off his
+        Feet," "All Sorts of Editions for Men," "The Nuns in
+        Dilemma," "The Cream he Tried," "Blue-the-Money
+        Naughty-boy," "The Silver Gutter-Snipe," "All for a Farden
+        Fare," "The Roley Hose," "Caramel of Stickinesse," &amp;c.,
+        &amp;c., &amp;c.</i>)</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Of this story the Author writes to us as
+        follows:&mdash;"I can honestly recommend it, as calculated
+        to lower the exaggerated cheerfulness which is apt to
+        prevail at Christmas time. I consider it, therefore, to be
+        eminently suited for a Christmas Annual. Families are
+        advised to read it in detachments of four or five at a
+        time. Married men who owe their wives' mothers a grudge
+        should lock them into a bare room, with a guttering candle
+        and this story. Death will be certain and not painless.
+        I've got one or two rods in pickle for the publishers. You
+        wait and see.&mdash;W.D."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/277.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/277.png"
+             alt="George Ginsling and the Devil." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>GEORGE GINSLING was alone in his College-rooms at Cambridge.
+    His friends had just left him. They were quite the tip-top set
+    in Christ's College, and the ashes of the cigarettes they had
+    been smoking lay about the rich Axminster carpet. They had been
+    talking about many things, as is the wont of young men, and one
+    of them had particularly bothered GEORGE by asking him why he
+    had refused a seat in the University Trial Eights after rowing
+    No. 5 in his College boat. GEORGE had no answer ready, and had
+    replied angrily. Now, he thought of many answers. This made him
+    nervous. He paced quickly up and down the deserted room,
+    sipping his seventh tumbler of brandy, as he walked. It was his
+    invariable custom to drink seven tumblers of neat brandy every
+    night to steady himself, and his College career had, in
+    consequence, been quite unexceptionable up to the present
+    moment. He used playfully to remind his Dean of PORSON's
+    drunken epigram, and the good man always accepted this as an
+    excuse for any false quantities in GEORGE's Greek Iambics. But
+    to-night, as I have said, GEORGE was nervous with a strange
+    nervousness, and he, therefore, went to bed, having previously
+    blown out his candle and placed his Waterbury watch under his
+    pillow, on the top of which sat a Devil wearing a thick jersey
+    worked with large green spots on a yellow ground.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4>
+
+    <p>Now this Devil was a Water-Devil of the most pronounced
+    type. His head-quarters were on the Thames at Barking, where
+    there is a sewage outfall, and he had lately established a
+    branch-office on the Cam, where he did a considerable
+    business.</p>
+
+    <p>Occasionally, he would run down to Cambridge himself, to
+    consult with his manager, and on these occasions he would
+    indulge his playful humour by going out at night and sitting on
+    the pillows of Undergraduates.</p>
+
+    <p>This was one of his nights out, and he had chosen GEORGE
+    GINSLING's pillow as his seat.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>GEORGE woke up with a start. What was this feeling in his
+    throat? Had he swallowed his blanket, or his cocoa-nut matting?
+    No, they were still in their respective places. He tore out his
+    tongue and his tonsils, and examined them. They were on fire.
+    This puzzled him. He replaced them. As he did so, a shower of
+    red-hot coppers fell from his mouth on to his feet. The agony
+    was awful. He howled, and danced about the room. Then he dashed
+    at the whiskey, but the bottle ducked as he approached, and he
+    failed to tackle it. Poor GEORGE, you see, was a rowing-man,
+    not a football-player. Then he knew what he wanted. In his
+    keeping-room were six <i>carafes</i>, full of Cambridge water,
+    and a dozen bottles of Hunyádi Janos. He rushed in, and hurled
+    himself upon the bottles with all his weight. The crash was
+    dreadful. The foreign bottles, being poor, frail things, broke
+    at once. He lapped up the liquid like a thirsty dog. The
+    <i>carafes</i> survived. He crammed them with their awful
+    contents, one after another, down his throat. Then he returned
+    to his bed-room, seized his jug, and emptied it at one gulp.
+    His bath was full. He lifted it in one hand, and drained it as
+    dry as a University sermon. The thirst compelled
+    him&mdash;drove him&mdash;made him&mdash;urged him&mdash;lashed
+    him&mdash;forced him&mdash;shoved him&mdash;goaded him&mdash;to
+    drink, drink, drink water, water, water! At last he was
+    appeased. He had cried bitterly, and drunk up all his tears. He
+    fell back on his bed, and slept for twenty-four hours, and the
+    Devil went out and gave his gyp, STARLING, a complete set of
+    instructions for use in case of flood.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4>
+
+    <p>STARLING was a pale, greasy man. He was a devil of a gyp. He
+    went into GEORGE's bed-room and shook his master by the
+    shoulder. GEORGE woke up.</p>
+
+    <p>"Bring me the College pump," he said. "I must have it. No,
+    stay," he continued, as STARLING prepared to execute his
+    orders, "a hair of the dog&mdash;bring it, quick, quick!"</p>
+
+    <p>STARLING gave him three. He always carried them about with
+    him in case of accidents. GEORGE devoured them eagerly,
+    recklessly. Then with a deep sigh of relief, he went stark
+    staring mad, and bit STARLING in the fleshy part of the thigh,
+    after which he fell fast asleep again. On awaking, he took his
+    name off the College books, gave STARLING a cheque for £5000,
+    broke off his engagement, but forgot to post the letter, and
+    consulted a Doctor.</p>
+
+    <p>"What you want," said the Doctor, "is to be shut up for a
+    year in the tap-room of a public-house. No water, only spirits.
+    That must cure you."</p>
+
+    <p>So GEORGE ordered STARLING to hire a public-house in a
+    populous district. When this was done, he went and lived there.
+    But you scarcely need to be told that STARLING had not carried
+    out his orders. How could he be expected to do that? Only
+    fifty-six pages of my book had been written, and even
+    publishers&mdash;the most abandoned people on the face of the
+    earth&mdash;know that that amount won't make a Christmas
+    Annual. So STARLING hired a Temperance Hotel. As I have said,
+    he was a devil of a gyp.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4>
+
+    <p>The fact was this. One of GEORGE's great-great uncles had
+    held a commission in the Blue Ribbon Army. GEORGE remembered
+    this too late. The offer of a seat in the University Trial
+    Eights must have suggested the blue ribbon which the University
+    Crew wear on their straw hats. Thus the diabolical forces of
+    heredity were roused to fever-heat, and the great-great uncle,
+    with his blue ribbon, whose photograph hung in GEORGE's home
+    over the parlour mantelpiece, became a living force in GEORGE's
+    brain.</p>
+
+    <p>GEORGE GINSLING went and lived in a suburban neighbourhood.
+    It was useless. He married a sweet girl with various spiteful
+    relations. In vain. He changed his name to PUMPDRY, and
+    conducted a local newspaper. Profitless striving. STARLING was
+    always at hand, always ready with the patent filter, and as
+    punctual in his appearances as the washing-bill or the East
+    wind. I repeat, he was a devil of a gyp.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4>
+
+    <p>They found GEORGE GINSLING feet uppermost in six inches of
+    water in the Daffodil Road reservoir. It was a large reservoir,
+    and had been quite full before GEORGE began upon it. This was
+    his record drink, and it killed him. His last words were, "If I
+    had stuck to whiskey, this would never have happened."</p>
+
+    <center>
+        THE END.
+    </center>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"IT IS THE BOGIE MAN!"&mdash;BLACKIE'S <i>Modern
+    Cyclopedia</i>. Nothing to do with the Christy Minstrel
+    Entertainment, but a very useful work of reference, issued from
+    the ancient house of publishers which is now quite BLACKIE with
+    age. We have looked through the "B's" for "Bogie," but "The
+    Bogie Man" is "Not there, not there, my child!" but he is to be
+    found in that other BLACKIE's collection at the St. James's
+    Hall, which Bogie Man is said to be the original of that ilk.
+    <i>Unde derivatur</i> "Bogie"? Perhaps the next edition of
+    BLACKIE's <i>still-more-Modern-than-ever Cyclopedia will
+    explain</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>PARS ABOUT PICTURES (<i>by Old Par</i>).&mdash;At the Fine
+    Art Society's Gallery I gazed upon the pictures of "Many-sided
+    Nature" with great content, and came to the conclusion that Mr.
+    ALBERT GOODWIN was a many-sided artist. "Now," said I, quoting
+    SHAKSPEARE&mdash;<i>Old Par's Improved Edition</i>&mdash;"is
+    the GOODWIN of our great content made glorious." O.P., who
+    knows every inch of Abingdon, who has gazed upon Hastings from
+    High Wickham, who is intimate with every brick in Dorchester,
+    who loves every reed and ripple on the Thames, and has a
+    considerable knowledge of the Rigi and Venice, can bear witness
+    to the truth of the painter. There are over seventy
+    pictures&mdash;every one worth looking at.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page278"
+       id="page278"></a>[pg 278]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <h3>
+        "BUSINESS!"</h3><a href="images/278.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/278.png"
+             alt="Sweater and Mr. Punch." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Sweater</i> (<i>to Mr. Punch</i>). "NO USE YOUR
+        INTERFERING. BUSINESS IS BUSINESS!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. P.</i> "YES, AND UNCOMMONLY BAD BUSINESS, TOO,
+        FOR <i>THEM</i>. COULDN'T THE LARGE FIRMS TAKE A TRIFLE
+        LESS PROFIT, AND PUT A LITTLE PLEASURE INTO THE BUSINESS OF
+        THESE POOR STARVING WORKERS?"</p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <p>["Business!" cries the Sweater, when remonstrated
+            with for paying the poor Match-box makers
+            twopence-farthing or twopence-half-penny a gross,
+            whilst his own profits reach 22-1/2 to 25 per
+            cent.&mdash;<i>Daily News</i>.]</p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <h4><i>Punch to the Sweating Shylock.</i></h4>
+
+        <div class="poem">
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Eh? "Business is business"? Sheer cant, Sir!
+                Pure gammon?</p>
+
+                <p>Of all the inhuman, sham Maxims of Mammon,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">This one is the worst,</p>
+
+                <p>For under its cover lurks cruelty callous,</p>
+
+                <p>With murderous meanness that merits the
+                gallows,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">And avarice accurst.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Oh, well, I'm aware, Sir, how ruthless
+                rapacity</p>
+
+                <p>Loves to take shelter, with cunning
+                mendacity</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">'Neath an old
+                saw;</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page279"
+                   id="page279"></a>[pg 279]</span>
+
+                <p>But well says the scribe that such "business" is
+                crime, Sir,</p>
+
+                <p>And such would be but for gaps half the time,
+                Sir,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">'Twixt justice and law.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Bah! Many a man who's sheer rogue in
+                reality,</p>
+
+                <p>Hides the harsh knave in the mask of
+                "legality."</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">When 'tis too gross,</p>
+
+                <p>Robbery's rash, but austere orthodoxies</p>
+
+                <p>Countenance such things as modern
+                match-boxes</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">Nine-farthings a gross!</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>From seven till ten, and sometimes to
+                eleven,</p>
+
+                <p>For "six bob" a week. Ah! such life <i>must</i>
+                be heaven;</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">Whilst as for your "profit,"</p>
+
+                <p>That's bound to approach five-and-twenty per
+                cent.,</p>
+
+                <p>That Sweaters shall thrive, let their tools be
+                content</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">With starvation in Tophet.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>To starve's bad enough, but to starve and to
+                work</p>
+
+                <p>(Mrs. LABOUCHERE hints), the most patient may
+                irk;</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">And the lady is right&mdash;</p>
+
+                <p>Business? On brutes who dare mouth such base
+                trash,</p>
+
+                <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>, who loves justice and sense,
+                lays his lash,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">With the greatest delight.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>He knows the excuses advanced for the
+                Sweater,</p>
+
+                <p>But bad is the best, and, until you find
+                better,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">'Tis useless to cant</p>
+
+                <p>Of freedom of contract, supply and demand,</p>
+
+                <p>And all the cold sophistries ever on hand</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">Sound sense to supplant.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>A phrase takes the place of an argument
+                often.</p>
+
+                <p>And stomachs go empty, and brains slowly
+                soften,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">And sense sick with dizziness,</p>
+
+                <p>All in the name of the bosh men embody</p>
+
+                <p>In one clap-trap phrase that dupes many a
+                noddy,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">That&mdash;business is business!</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Business? Yes, precious bad business for them,
+                Sir,</p>
+
+                <p>Whose joyless enslavement <i>you</i> take with
+                such phlegm, Sir,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">Suppose, to enhance</p>
+
+                <p>Their small share of ease, such as you, were
+                content, Sir,</p>
+
+                <p>To lower a trifle your precious "per cent.,"
+                Sir,</p>
+
+                <p class="i2">And give <i>them</i> a chance!</p>
+            </div>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/279-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/279-1.png"
+             alt="Scene in a hat store." /></a>
+
+        <h3>SOFT SAWDER.</h3>
+
+        <p>"BUT I DON'T CALL THIS A FASHIONABLE 'AT!"</p>
+
+        <p>"IT WILL SOON <i>BECOME</i> SO, MADAM, IF <i>YOU</i>
+        WEAR IT!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/279-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/279-2.png"
+             alt="A Christmas Masque." /></a>A Christmas Masque.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>In <i>Camp and Studio</i>, Mr. IRVING MONTAGU, some time on
+    the artistic staff of <i>The Illustrated London News</i>, gives
+    his experiences of the Russo-Turkish Campaign. He concisely
+    sums up the qualifications of a War Correspondent by saying
+    that he should "have an iron constitution, a laconic, incisive
+    style, and sufficient tact to establish a safe and rapid
+    connecting link between the forefront of battle and his own
+    head-quarters in Fleet Street or elsewhere." As Mr. IRVING
+    MONTAGU seems to have lived up to his ideal, it is a little
+    astonishing to find the last chapters of his book devoted to
+    <i>Back in Bohemia</i>, wherein he discourses of going to the
+    Derby, a Hammersmith <i>Desdemona</i>, and of the
+    <i>Postlethwaites</i> and <i>Maudles</i>, "whose peculiarities
+    have been recorded by the facile pen of DU MAURIER." But as the
+    author seems pleased with the reader, it would be indeed sad
+    were the reader to find fault with the author. However, this
+    may be said in his favour&mdash;he tells (at least) one good
+    story. On his return from Plevna to Bohemia, a dinner was given
+    in his honour at the Holborn Restaurant. Every detail was
+    perfect&mdash;the only omission was forgetfulness on the part
+    of the Committee to invite <i>the guest of the evening</i>! At
+    the last moment the mistake was discovered, and a telegram was
+    hurriedly despatched to Mr. MONTAGU, telling him that he was
+    "wanted." On his arrival he was refused admittance to the
+    dinner by the waiters, because he was not furnished with a
+    ticket! Ultimately he was ushered into the Banqueting Hall,
+    when everything necessarily ended happily.</p>
+
+    <p>One might imagine that Birthday Books have had their day,
+    but apparently they still flourish, for HAZELL, WATSON, &amp;
+    VINEY publish yet another, under the title of <i>Names we Love,
+    and Places we Know</i>. The first does not apply to our
+    friends, but to the quotations selected, and places are shown
+    by photos.</p>
+
+    <p>Of many <i>Beneficent and Useful Lives</i>, you will hear
+    "in CHAMBERS,"&mdash;the reader sitting as judge on the various
+    cases brought before him by Mr. ROBERT COCHRANE.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Unlucky</i> will not be the little girl who reads the
+    book with this name, by CAROLINE AUSTIN.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Everybody's Business</i>, by ISMAY THORN, nobody likes
+    interference, but in this case it proved the friend in
+    need.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Chivalry</i>, by LÉON GAUTIER, translated by HENRY FRITH,
+    is a chronicle of knighthood, its rules, and its deeds. To the
+    scientific student, <i>Discoveries and Inventions of the
+    Nineteenth Century</i>, by ROBERT ROUTLEDGE, B.S., F.C.S., will
+    be interesting, and help him to discover a lot he does not
+    know. Those who have not already read it, <i>A Wonder Book for
+    Girls and Boys</i>, by NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, will have a real
+    treat in the myths related; <i>Tanglewood Tales</i> are
+    included, and these are delightful for all. <i>Rosebud</i>, by
+    Mrs. ADAMS ACTON, a tale for girls, who will love this bright
+    little flower, bringing happiness all around.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Holly Leaves</i>, the Special Number of <i>The Sporting
+    and Dramatic</i>, is quite a seasonable decoration for the
+    drawing-room table during the Christmas holidays.</p>
+
+    <p>My faithful "Co." has been reading <i>Jack's Secret</i>, by
+    Mrs. LOVETT CAMERON, which, he says, has greatly pleased him.
+    It has an interesting story, and is full of clever sketches of
+    character. <i>Jack</i>, himself, is rather a weak personage,
+    and scarcely deserves the good fortune which ultimately falls
+    to his lot. After flirting with a born coquette, who treats him
+    with a cruelty which is not altogether unmerited, he settles
+    down with a thoroughly lovable little wife, and a seat in the
+    House of Lords. From this it will be gathered that all ends
+    happily. <i>Jack's Secret</i> will be let out by MUDIE's, and
+    will be kept, for a considerable time&mdash;by the
+    subscribers.</p>
+
+    <p>Girls will be the richer this year by <i>Fifty-two more
+    Stories for Girls</i>, and boys will be delighted with
+    <i>Fifty-two more Stories for Boys</i>, by many of the best
+    authors: both these books are edited by ALFRED MILES, and
+    published by HUTCHISON &amp; Co. <i>Lion Jack</i>, by P.T.
+    BARNUM, is an account of JACK's perilous adventures in
+    capturing wild animals. If they weren't, of course, all true,
+    <i>Lyin' Jack</i> would have been a better title.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Syd Belton</i>, unlike most story-book boys, would not go
+    to sea, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page280"
+       id="page280"></a>[pg 280]</span> but he was made to
+       <i>go</i>, by the author, Mr. MANVILLE FENN. Once launched,
+       he proved himself a British salt of the first water.
+       <i>Dumps and I</i>, by Mrs. PARR, is a <i>par</i>ticularly
+       pretty book for girls, and quite on a par with, her other
+       works. METHUEN &amp; CO. publish these.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Pictures and Stories from English History</i>, and
+    <i>Royal Portrait Gallery</i>, are two Royal Prize Books for
+    the historical-minded child; they are published by T. NELSON
+    AND SONS, as likewise "<i>Fritz</i>" <i>of Prussia, Germany's
+    Second Emperor</i>, by LUCY TAYLOR. <i>Dictionary of Idiomatic
+    English Phrases</i>, by JAMES MAIN DIXON, M.A., F.R.S.E., which
+    may prove a useful guide to benighted foreigners in assisting
+    them to solve the usual British vagaries of speech; like the
+    commencement of the Dictionary, it is quite an "A1" book.</p>
+
+    <p>"Dear Diary!" as one of Mr. F.C. PHILLIPS's heroines used to
+    address her little book, but DE LA RUE's are not "dear
+    Diaries," nor particularly cheap ones. This publisher is quite
+    the Artful Dodger in devising diaries in all shapes and sizes,
+    from the big pocket-book to the more insidious waistcoat-pocket
+    booklet,&mdash;"small by degrees, but beautifully less."</p>
+
+    <p>"Here's to you, TOM SMITH!"&mdash;it's BROWN in the song,
+    but no matter,&mdash;"Here's to you," sings the Baron, "with
+    all my heart!" Your comic gutta-percha-faced Crackers are a
+    novelty; in fact, you've solved a difficulty by introducing
+    into our old Christmas Crackers several new features.</p>
+
+    <p>This year the Baron gives the prize for pictorial amusement
+    to LOTHAR MEGGENDORFER (Gods! what a name!), who, assisted by
+    his publishers, GREVEL &amp; CO., has produced an irresistibly
+    funny book of movable figures, entitled <i>Comic Actors</i>.
+    What these coloured actors do is so moving, that the spectators
+    will be in fits of chuckling. Recommended, says THE BARON DE
+    BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS."</h2>
+
+    <p>ARGUMENT.&mdash;EDWIN has taken ANGELINA, his
+    <i>fiancée</i>, to an entertainment by a Mesmerist, and,
+    wishing to set his doubts at rest, has gone upon the platform,
+    and placed himself entirely at the Mesmerist's disposition. On
+    rejoining ANGELINA, she has insisted upon being taken home
+    immediately, and has cried all the way back in the
+    hansom&mdash;much to EDWIN's perplexity. They are alone
+    together, in a Morning-room; ANGELINA is still sobbing in an
+    arm-chair, and EDWIN is rubbing his ear as he stands on the
+    hearthrug.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Edwin</i>. I say, ANGELINA, don't go on like this, or we
+    shall have somebody coming in! I wouldn't have gone up if I'd
+    known it would upset you like this; but I only wanted to make
+    quite sure that the whole thing was humbug,
+    and&mdash;(<i>complacently</i>)&mdash;I rather think I settled
+    that.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>in choked accents</i>). You settled
+    that?&mdash;but <i>how?</i>... Oh, go away&mdash;I can't bear
+    to think of it all! [<i>Fresh outburst.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> You're a little nervous, darling, that's
+    all&mdash;and you see, I'm all right. I felt a little drowsy
+    once, but I knew perfectly well what I was about all the
+    time.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>with a bound</i>). You knew?&mdash;then you
+    <i>were</i> pretending&mdash;and you call that a good joke!
+    <i>Oh!</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> Hardly pretending. I just sat still, with my eyes
+    shut, and the fellow stroked my face a bit. I waited to see if
+    anything would come of it&mdash;and nothing did, that's all. At
+    least, I'm not aware that I did anything peculiar. In fact, I'm
+    <i>certain</i> I didn't. (<i>Uneasily.</i>) Eh, ANGELINA?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>indistinctly, owing to her face being buried
+    in cushions</i>). If you d-d-d-on't really know, you'd
+    bub-bub-better-not ask&mdash;but I believe you do&mdash;quite
+    well!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> Look here, ANGIE, if I behaved at all out of the
+    common, it's just as well that I should know it. I don't
+    recollect it, that's all. Do pull yourself together, and tell
+    me all about it.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>sitting up</i>). Very well&mdash;if you will
+    have it, you must. But you can't really have forgotten how you
+    stood before the footlights, making the most horrible faces, as
+    if you were in front of a looking-glass. All those other
+    creatures were doing it, too; but, oh, EDWIN, yours were far
+    the ugliest&mdash;they haunt me still.... I mustn't think of
+    them&mdash;I won't! [<i>Buries her face again.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>reddening painfully</i>). No, I
+    say&mdash;<i>did</i> I? not really&mdash;without humbug,
+    ANGELINA!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> <i>You</i> know best if it was without humbug!
+    And, after that, he gave you a glass of cuc-cod-liver oil,
+    and&mdash;and pup-pup-paraffin, and you dud-drank it up, and
+    asked for more, and said it was the bub-bub-best Scotch whiskey
+    you ever tasted. You oughtn't even to <i>know</i> about Scotch
+    whiskey!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> I can't know much if I did <i>that</i>. Odd I
+    shouldn't remember it, though. Was that all?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Oh, no. After that you sang&mdash;a dreadful
+    song&mdash;and pretended to accompany yourself on a broom.
+    EDWIN, you know you did; you can't deny it!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> I&mdash;I didn't know I <i>could</i> sing;
+    and&mdash;did you say on a broom? It's bad enough for me
+    already, ANGELINA, without <i>howling</i>! Well, I
+    sang&mdash;and what then?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Then he put out a cane with a silver top close
+    to your face, and you squinted at it, and followed it about
+    everywhere with your nose; you <i>must</i> have known how
+    utterly idiotic you looked!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>dropping into a chair</i>). Not at the
+    time.... Well, go on, ANGELINA; let's have it all. What
+    next?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Next? Oh, next he told you you were the Champion
+    Acrobat of the World, and you began to strike foolish
+    attitudes, and turn great clumsy somersaults all over the
+    stage, and you always came down on the flat of your back!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> I <i>thought</i> I felt a trifle stiff.
+    Somersaults, eh? Anything else? (<i>With forced calm.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> I did think I should have <i>died</i> of shame
+    when you danced?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> Oh, I <i>danced</i>, did I?
+    Hum&mdash;er&mdash;was I <i>alone</i>?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> There were four other wretches dancing too, and
+    you imitated a ballet. You were dressed up in an artificial
+    wreath and a gug-gug-gauze skirt.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>collapsing</i>). No?? I <i>wasn't</i>!...
+    Heavens! What a bounder I must have looked! But I say, ANGIE,
+    it was all <i>right</i>. I suppose? I mean to say I wasn't
+    exactly vulgar, or that sort of thing, eh?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Not vulgar? Oh, EDWIN? I can only say I was
+    truly thankful <i>Mamma</i> wasn't there!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>wincing</i>). Now, don't, ANGELINA it's quite
+    awful enough as it is. What beats me is how on earth I came to
+    <i>do</i> it all.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> You see, EDWIN, I wouldn't have minded so much
+    if I had had the least idea you were like <i>that</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> Like that! Good Heavens. ANGIE, am I in the habit
+    of making hideous grimaces before a looking-glass? Do you
+    suppose I am given to over-indulgence in cod-liver oil and
+    whatever the other beastliness was? Am I acrobatic in my calmer
+    moments? Did you ever know me sing&mdash;with or without a
+    broom? I'm a shy man by nature (<i>pathetically</i>), more shy
+    than you <i>think</i>, perhaps,&mdash;and in my normal
+    condition, I should be the last person to prance about in a
+    gauze skirt for the amusement of a couple of hundred idiots? I
+    don't believe I did, either!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>impressed by his evident sincerity</i>). But
+    you said you knew what you were about all the time!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> I thought so, then. Now&mdash;well, hang it, I
+    suppose there's more in this infernal Mesmerism than I fancied.
+    There, it's no use talking about it&mdash;it's done.
+    You&mdash;you won't mind shaking hands before I go, will you?
+    Just for the last time?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>alarmed</i>). Why&mdash;where are you
+    going?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>desperate</i>). Anywhere&mdash;go out and
+    start on a <i>ranche</i>, or something, or join the Colonial
+    Police force. Anything's better than staying on here after the
+    stupendous ass I've made of myself!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> But&mdash;but, EDWIN, I daresay nobody
+    <i>noticed</i> it much.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> According to you, I must have been a pretty
+    conspicuous object.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Yes&mdash;only, you see, I&mdash;I daresay
+    they'd only think you were a confederate or something&mdash;no,
+    I don't mean that&mdash;but, after all, indeed you didn't make
+    such <i>very</i> awful faces. I&mdash;I <i>liked</i> some of
+    them!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>incredulously</i>). But you said they haunted
+    you&mdash;and then the oil, and the somersaults, and the
+    ballet-dancing. No, it's no use, ANGELINA, I can see you'll
+    never get over this. It's better to part and have done with
+    it!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>gradually retracting</i>). Oh, but listen.
+    I&mdash;I didn't mean quite all I said just now. I mixed things
+    up. It was really whiskey he gave you, only he <i>said</i> it
+    was paraffin, and so you wouldn't drink it, and you <i>did</i>
+    sing, but it was only about some place where an old horse died,
+    and it was somebody else who had the broom! And you didn't
+    dance nearly so much as the others, and&mdash;and whatever you
+    did, you were never in the least ridiculous.
+    (<i>Earnestly</i>). You weren't, <i>really</i>, EDWIN!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>relieved</i>). Well. I thought you must have
+    been exaggerating a little. Why, look here, for all you know,
+    you may have been mistaking somebody else for me all the
+    time&mdash;don't you see?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> I&mdash;I am almost sure I did, now. Yes, why,
+    of course&mdash;how stupid I have been! It was someone very
+    like you&mdash;not you at all!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>resentfully</i>). Well, I must say, ANGELINA,
+    that to give a fellow a fright like this, all for
+    nothing&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> Yes&mdash;yes, it was all for nothing, it was so
+    silly of me. Forgive me, EDWIN, please!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>still aggrieved</i>). I know for a fact that
+    I didn't so much as leave my chair, and to say I <i>danced</i>,
+    ANGELINA!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>eagerly</i>). But I <i>don't</i>. I remember
+    now, you sat perfectly still the whole time, he&mdash;he said
+    he could do nothing with you, don't you recollect?
+    (<i>Aside.</i>) Oh, what stories I'm telling!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>with recovered dignity</i>). Of course I
+    recollect&mdash;perfectly. Well, ANGELINA, I'm not
+    <i>annoyed</i>, of course, darling; but another time, you
+    should really try to observe more closely what <i>is</i> done
+    and who <i>does</i> it&mdash;before making all this fuss about
+    nothing.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page281"
+       id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> But you won't go and be mesmerised again,
+    EDWIN&mdash;not after this?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ed.</i> Well, you see, as I always said, it hasn't the
+    slightest effect on me. But from what I observed, I am
+    perfectly satisfied that the whole thing is a fraud. All those
+    other fellows were obviously accomplices, or they'd never have
+    gone through such absurd antics&mdash;would they now?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>meekly</i>). No, dear, of course not. But
+    don't let's talk any more about it. There are so many things
+    it's no use trying to explain.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Hand-book to Honesty.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h3>No. VII.&mdash;SELLING A HORSE.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/281.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/281.png"
+             alt="Selling a horse." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE I.&mdash;<i>A Horse-Sale. Inexperienced Person, in
+        search of a cheap but sound animal for business purposes,
+        looking on in a nervous and undecided manner, half tempted
+        to bid for the horse at present under the hammer. To him
+        approaches a grave and closely-shaven personage, in black
+        garments, of clerical cut, a dirty-white tie, and a crush
+        felt hat.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Clerical Gent</i>. They are running that flea-bitten grey
+    up pretty well, are they not. Sir?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Inexperienced Person</i>. Ahem! ye-es, I suppose they
+    are. I&mdash;er&mdash;was half thinking of bidding myself, but
+    it's going a bit beyond me, I fear.</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> Ah, plant, Sir&mdash;to speak the language of
+    these horsey vulgarians&mdash;a regular plant! You are better
+    out of it, believe me.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P.</i> <i>In</i>-deed! You don't say so?</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>sighing</i>). Only too true. Sir.
+    Why&mdash;(<i>in a gush of confidence</i>)&mdash;look at my own
+    case. Being obliged to leave the country, and give up my
+    carriage, I put my horse into this sale, at a <i>very</i> low
+    reserve of twenty pounds. (<i>Entre nous</i>, it's worth at
+    least double that.) Between the Auctioneer, and a couple of
+    rascally horse-dealers&mdash;who I found out, by pure accident,
+    wanted my animal particularly <i>for a match pair</i>&mdash;the
+    sale of my horse is what <i>they</i> call "bunnicked up."
+    <i>Then</i> they come to me, and offer me money. I spot their
+    game, and am so indignant that I'll have nothing to do with
+    them, at <i>any</i> price. Wouldn't sell dear old <i>Bogey</i>,
+    whom my wife and children are so fond of, to such brutal
+    blackguards, on <i>any</i> consideration. No, Sir, the horse
+    has done me good service&mdash;a sounder nag never walked on
+    four hoofs; and I'd rather sell it to a good, kind master, for
+    twenty pounds, aye, or even eighteen, than let these rascals
+    have it, though they <i>have</i> run up as high as thirty
+    q&mdash;&mdash;, ahem! guineas.</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P.</i> Have they indeed, now? And what have you done
+    with the horse?</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> Put it into livery close by, Sir. And, unless I
+    can find a good master for it, by Jove, I'll take it back
+    again, and <i>give it away to a friend</i>. Perhaps, Sir, you'd
+    like to have a look at the animal. The stables are only in the
+    next street, and&mdash;as a friend, and with no eye to
+    business&mdash;I should be pleased to show poor <i>Bogey</i> to
+    anyone so sympathetic as yourself.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>I.P., after some further chat of a friendly nature,
+        agrees to go and "run his eye over him."</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE II.&mdash;<i>Greengrocer's yard at side of a seedy
+        house in a shabby street, slimy and straw-bestrewn. Yard is
+        paved with lumpy, irregular cobbles, and some sooty and
+        shaky-looking sheds stand at the bottom thereof. Enter
+        together</i>, Clerical Gent <i>and</i> Inexperienced
+        Person.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>smiling apologetically</i>). Not exactly
+    palatial premises for an animal used to <i>my</i> stables at
+    Wickham-in-the-Wold! But I know these people, Sir; they are
+    kind as Christians, and as honest as the day. Hoy! TOM! TOM!!
+    TOM!!! Are you there, TOM? [<i>From the shed emerges a very
+    small boy with very short hair, and a very long livery, several
+    sizes too large for him, the tail of the brass-buttoned coat
+    and the bottoms of the baggy trousers alike sweeping the
+    cobbles as he shambles forward</i>]. (C.G. <i>genially</i>.)
+    Ah, there you are, TOM, my lad. Bring out dear old
+    <i>Bogey</i>, and show it to my friend here. [<i>Boy leads out
+    a rusty roan Rosinante, high in bone, and low in flesh, with
+    prominent hocks, and splay hoofs, which stumble gingerly over
+    the cobbles.</i>] (<i>Patting the horse affectionately.</i>)
+    Ah, poor old <i>Bogey</i>, he doesn't like these lumpy stones,
+    does he? Not used to them, Sir. My stable-yard at
+    Wickham-in-the-Wold, is as smoothly paved as&mdash;as the
+    Alhambra, Sir. I always <i>consider</i> my animals, Sir. A
+    merciful man is merciful to his beast, as the good book says.
+    But <i>isn't</i> he a Beauty?</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P.</i> Well&mdash;ahem!&mdash;ye-es; he looks a kind,
+    gentle, steady sort of a creature. But&mdash;ahem!&mdash;what's
+    the matter with his knees?</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> Oh, nothing, Sir, nothing at all. Only a habit
+    he has got <i>along of kind treatment</i>. Like us when we
+    "stand at ease," you know, a bit baggy, that's all. You should
+    see him after a twenty miles spin along our Wickham roads, when
+    my wife and I are doing a round of visits among the
+    neighbouring gentry. Ah, <i>Bogey, Bogey</i>, old
+    boy&mdash;<i>kissing his nose</i>&mdash;I don't know what Mrs.
+    G. and the girls will say when they hear I've parted with
+    you&mdash;if I do, <i>if</i> I do.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>Enter two horsey-looking Men as though in search of
+        something.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>First Horsey Man</i>. Ah, here you are. Well, look 'ere,
+    are you going to take Thirty Pounds for that horse o' yourn?
+    Yes or No!</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>turning upon them with dignity</i>).
+    <i>No</i>, Sir; most emphatically <i>No!</i> I've told you
+    before I will not sell him to you at <i>any</i> price. Have the
+    goodness to leave us&mdash;<i>at once</i>, I'm engaged with my
+    friend here.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Horsey Men turn away despondently. Enter hurriedly,
+        a shabby-looking</i> Groom.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Groom</i>. Oh, look here,
+    Mister&mdash;er&mdash;er&mdash;wot's yer name? His Lordship
+    wants to know whether you'll take his offer of Thirty-five
+    Pounds&mdash;<i>or</i> Guineas&mdash;for that roan. He wouldn't
+    offer as much, only it happens jest to match&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>with great decisiveness</i>). Inform his
+    Lordship, with my compliments, that I regret to be entirely
+    unable to entertain his proposition.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Groom</i>. Oh, <i>very</i> well. But I wish you'd jest
+    step out and tell his Lordship so yerself. He's jest round the
+    corner at the 'otel entrance, a flicking of his boots, as
+    irritated as a blue-bottle caught in a cowcumber frame.</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> Oh, <i>certainly</i>, with pleasure. (<i>To</i>
+    I.P.) If you'll excuse me, Sir, just one moment, I'll step out
+    and speak to his Lordship.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Exit, followed by</i> Groom.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Horsey Person</i> (<i>making a rush at</i> I.P. <i>as
+    soon as</i> C.G. <i>has disappeared, speaking in a breathless
+    hurry</i>). Now lookye here, guv'nor&mdash;sharp's the word!
+    He'll be back in arf a jiff. <i>You buy that 'oss!</i> He won't
+    sell it to <i>us</i>, bust 'im; but you've got 'im in a string,
+    you 'ave. He'll sell it to <i>you</i> for eighteen
+    quid&mdash;p'raps sixteen. <i>Buy</i> it, Sir, buy it! We'll be
+    outside, by the pub at the corner, my pal and me,
+    and&mdash;(<i>producing notes</i>)&mdash;we'll take it off you
+    agen for <i>thirty pounds</i>, and glad o' the charnce. We want
+    it pertikler, we do, and you can 'elp us, and put ten quid in
+    your own pocket too as easy as be blowed. Ah! here he is! Mum's
+    the word! Round the corner by the pub! [<i>Exeunt
+    hurriedly.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Clerical Gent</i> (<i>blandly</i>). Ah! <i>that's</i>
+    settled. His Lordship was angry, but I was firm. Take
+    <i>Bogey</i> back to the stable, TOM&mdash;<i>unless</i>, of
+    course&mdash;(<i>looking significantly at</i> Inexperienced
+    Person).</p>
+
+    <p><i>Inexperienced Person</i> (<i>hesitating</i>). Well, I'm
+    not sure but what the animal would suit me,
+    and&mdash;ahem!&mdash;if you care to trust it to me&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Clerical Gent</i> (<i>joyously</i>). Trust it to
+    <i>you</i>, Sir? Why, with pleasure, with every confidence.
+    Dear old <i>Bogey</i>! He'll be happy with such a
+    master&mdash;ah, and do him service too. I tell you, Sir, that
+    horse, to a quiet, considerate sort o' gent like yourself, who
+    wants to <i>work</i> his animal, not to wear it out, is worth
+    forty pound, every penny of it&mdash;and cheap at the
+    price!</p>
+
+    <p><i>I.P.</i> Thanks! And&mdash;ah&mdash;what <i>is</i> the
+    figure?</p>
+
+    <p><i>C.G.</i> Why&mdash;ah&mdash;eighteen&mdash;no, dash
+    it!&mdash;sixteen <i>to you</i>, and say no more about it.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Inexperienced Person <i>closes with the offer, hands
+        notes to</i> Clerical Gent (<i>who, under pressure of
+        business, hurries off</i>), <i>takes</i> Bogey <i>from the
+        grinning groom-lad, leads him&mdash;with
+        difficulty&mdash;out into the street, searches vainly for
+        the two horsey Men, who, like "his Lordship," have utterly
+        and finally disappeared, and finds himself left alone in a
+        bye-thoroughfare with a "horse," which he cannot get along
+        anyhow, and which he is presently glad to part with to a
+        knacker for thirty shillings.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page282"
+       id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/282.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/282.png"
+             alt="&lt;h3&gt;Triumphs of the Funny Man." /></a>
+
+        <h3>TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN.</h3><i>Hired Waiter</i>
+        (<i>handling the liqueurs</i>). "<i>PLEASE</i>, SIR,
+        <i>DON'T</i> MAKE ME LAUGH&mdash;I SHALL SPILL 'EM ALL!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WRITE AND WRONG.</h2>
+
+    <p>As so many private letters are sold at public sales
+    nowadays, it has become necessary to consider the purport of
+    every epistle regarded, so to speak, from a <i>post-mortem</i>
+    point of view. If a public man expresses a confidential opinion
+    in the fulness of his heart to an intimate friend, or proposes
+    an act of charity to a cherished relative, he may rest assured
+    that, sooner or later, both communications will be published to
+    an unsympathetic and autograph-hunting world. Under these
+    circumstances it may be well to answer the simplest
+    communications in the most guarded manner possible. For
+    instance, a reply to a tender of hospitality might run as
+    follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>Private and Confidential. Not negotiable.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Mr. DASH BLANK has much pleasure in accepting Mr. BLANK
+    DASH's invitation to dinner on the 8th inst.</p>
+
+    <p><i>N.B.&mdash;This letter is the property of the Writer. Not
+    for publication. All rights reserved.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Or, if the writer feels that his letter, if it gets into the
+    hands of the executors, will be sold, he must adopt another
+    plan. It will be then his object to so mix up abuse of the
+    possible vendors with ordinary matter, that they (the possible
+    vendors) may shrink, after the death of the recipient, from
+    making their own condemnation public. The following may serve
+    as a model for a communication of this character. The words
+    printed in italics in the body of the letter are the antidotal
+    abuse introduced to prevent a posthumous sale by possible
+    executors.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private and Confidential. Not to be published. Signature
+    a forgery.</i></p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>DEAR OLD MAN,&mdash;I nearly completed my book. <i>Your
+        nephew</i>, TOM LESLEIGH, <i>is an ass.</i> My wife is
+        slowly recovering from influenza. <i>Your Aunt</i>, JANE
+        JENKINS, <i>wears a wig.</i> TOMMY, you will be glad to
+        learn, has come out first of twenty in his new class at
+        school. <i>Your Uncle</i>, BENJAMIN GRAHAM, <i>is a
+        twaddling old bore.</i> I am thinking of spending the
+        Midsummer holidays with the boys and their mother at
+        Broadstairs. <i>Your Cousin</i>, JACK JUGGERLY, <i>is a
+        sweep that doesn't belong to a single respectable Club.</i>
+        Trusting that you will burn this letter, to prevent its
+        sale after we are gone,</p>
+
+        <p>I remain, yours affectionately,</p>
+
+        <p>BOBBY.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>N.B.&mdash;The foregoing letter is the property of the
+    Author, and, as it is only intended for private circulation,
+    must not be printed. Solicitors address,&mdash;Ely
+    Place</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>But perhaps the best plan will be, not to write at all. The
+    telegraph, at the end of the century, costs but a halfpenny a
+    word, and we seem to be within measurable distance of the
+    universal adoption of the telephone. Under these circumstances,
+    it is easy to take heed of the warning contained in that
+    classical puzzle of our childhood, <i>Litera scripta
+    manet</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A QUESTION OF TASTE.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. Well, Madam, what can I do for you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Female</i> (<i>of Uncertain Age, gushingly</i>). A very
+    great favour, my dear Sir; it is a matter of sanitation.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> (<i>coldly</i>). I am at your service, Madam,
+    but I would remind you that I have no time to listen to
+    frivolous complaints.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fem.</i> I would ask you&mdash;do you think that a
+    building open to the public should be crowded with double as
+    many persons as it can conveniently hold?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> Depends upon circumstances, Madam. It might
+    possibly be excusable in a Church, assuming that the means of
+    egress were sufficient. Of what building do you wish to
+    complain?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fem.</i> Of the Old Bailey&mdash;you know, the Central
+    Criminal Court.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> Have you to object to the accommodation
+    afforded you in the Dock?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fem.</i> <i>I</i> was not in the Dock!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> (<i>dryly</i>). That is the only place (when
+    not in the Witness-Box) suitable for women at the Old Bailey. I
+    cannot imagine that they would go to that unhappy spot of their
+    own free will.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fem.</i> (<i>astonished</i>). Not to see a Murder trial?
+    Then you are evidently unaccustomed to ladies' society.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> (<i>severely</i>). I do not meet <i>ladies</i>
+    at the Old Bailey.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fem.</i> (<i>bridling up</i>). Indeed! But that is
+    nothing to do with the matter of the overcrowding. Fancy, with
+    our boasted civilisation&mdash;I was <i>half</i> stifled!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> It is a pity, with our boasted civilisation,
+    that you were not stifled&mdash;<i>quite!</i>
+    (<i>Severely.</i>) You can go!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The Female retires, with an expression worthy of her
+        proper place&mdash;the Chamber of Horrors!</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page283"
+       id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/283.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/283.png"
+             alt="Distressed Hibernia." /></a>
+
+        <h3>IN DIFFICULTIES!</h3>
+    Distressed Hibernia. "If your tandem leader turns vicious,
+    and kicks over the traces,&mdash;where are you?"
+    </div>
+
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page285"
+       id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/285-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/285-1.png"
+             alt="Taking it coolly." /></a>
+
+        <h3>TAKING IT COOLLY.</h3><i>Old Gent</i> (<i>out for a
+        quiet ride with the Devon and Somerset</i>). "CONFOUND
+        THESE HARD-RIDING YOUNG RASCALS, THEY'LL BE SMASHING MY HAT
+        ONE OF THESE DAYS!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>NONOGENARIAN NONSENSE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Compiled à la Mode.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:10%;">
+        <a href="images/285-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/285-2.png"
+             alt="The Nonogenarian." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I have so often been urged by my friends to write my
+    autobiography, that at length I have taken up my pen to comply
+    with their wishes. My memory, although I may occasionally
+    become slightly mixed, is still excellent, and having been born
+    in the first year of the present century I consequently can
+    remember both the Plague and Fire of London. The latter is
+    memorable to me as having been the cause of my introduction to
+    Sir CHRISTOPHER WREN, an architect of some note, and an
+    intimate friend of Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS, and the late Mr.
+    TURNER, R.A. Sir CHRISTOPHER had but one failing&mdash;he was
+    never sober. To the day of his death he was under the
+    impression that St. Paul's was St. Peter's!</p>
+
+    <p>One of my earliest recollections is the great physician
+    HARVEY, who, indeed, knew me from my birth. Although an
+    exceedingly able man, he was a confirmed glutton. He would at
+    the most ceremonious of dinner-parties push his way through the
+    guests (treating ladies and gentlemen with the like
+    discourtesy) and plumping himself down in front of the turtle
+    soup, would help himself to the entire contents of the tureen,
+    plus the green fat! During the last years of his life he
+    abandoned medicine to give his attention to cookery, and (so I
+    have been told) ultimately invented a fish sauce!</p>
+
+    <p>I knew HOWARD, the so-called philanthropist, very well. He
+    was particularly fond of dress, although extremely economical
+    in his washing bill. It was his delight to visit the various
+    prisons and obtain a hideous pleasure in watching the tortures
+    of the poor wretches therein incarcerated. He was fined and
+    imprisoned for ill-treating a cat, if my memory does not play
+    me false. I have been told that he once stole a
+    pockethandkerchief, but at this distance of time cannot
+    remember where I heard the story.</p>
+
+    <p>It is one of my proudest recollections that, in early youth,
+    I had the honour of being presented to her late most gracious
+    Majesty, Queen ANNE, of glorious memory. The drawing-room was
+    held at Buckingham Palace, which in those days was situated on
+    the site now occupied by Marlborough House. I accompanied my
+    mother, who wore, I remember, yellow brocade, and a wreath of
+    red roses, without feathers. Round the throne were
+    grouped&mdash;the Duke of MARLBOROUGH (who kept in the
+    background because he had just been defeated at Fontenoy), Lord
+    PALMERSTON, nick-named "Cupid" by Mistress NELL GWYNNE (a
+    well-known Court beauty), Mr. GARRICK, and Signor GRIMALDI, two
+    Actors of repute, and Cardinal WISEMAN, the Papal Nuncio. Her
+    Majesty was most gracious to me, and introduced me to one of
+    her predecessors, Queen ELIZABETH, a reputed daughter of King
+    HENRY THE EIGHTH. Both Ladies laughed heartily at my curls,
+    which in those days were more plentiful than they are now. I
+    was rather alarmed at their lurching forward as I passed them,
+    but was reassured when the Earl of ROCHESTER (the Lord
+    Chamberlain) whispered in my ear that the Royal relatives had
+    been lunching. As I left the presence, I noticed that both
+    their Majesties were fast asleep.</p>
+
+    <p>I have just mentioned Lord ROCHESTER, whose acquaintance I
+    had the honour to possess. He was extremely austere, and very
+    much disliked by the fair sex. On one occasion it was my
+    privilege to clean his shoes. He had but one failing&mdash;he
+    habitually cheated at cards. I will now tell a few stories of
+    the like character about Bishop WILBERFORCE, THACKERAY, Mrs.
+    FRY, PEABODY, WALTER SCOTT, and Father MATTHEW.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[No you don't, my venerable twaddler!&mdash;ED.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE LARGE CIGAR.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:15%;">
+        <a href="images/285-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/285-3.png"
+             alt="Mr. Punch, smoking a cigar while ice-skating." />
+             </a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You lie on the oaken mantle-shelf,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A cigar of high degree,</p>
+
+            <p>An old cigar, a large cigar,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A cigar that was given to me.</p>
+
+            <p>The house-flies bite you day by day&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bite you, and kick, and sigh&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>And I do not know what the insects say,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But they creep away and die.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My friends they take you gently up,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And lay you gently down;</p>
+
+            <p>They never saw a weed so big,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or quite so deadly brown.</p>
+
+            <p>They, as a rule, smoke anything</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They pick up free of charge;</p>
+
+            <p>But they leave you to rest while the bulbuls
+            sing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Through the night, my own, my large!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The dust lies thick on your bloated form,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the year draws to its close,</p>
+
+            <p>And the baccy-jar's been emptied&mdash;by</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My laundress, I suppose.</p>
+
+            <p>Smokeless and hopeless, with reeling brain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I turn to the oaken shelf,</p>
+
+            <p>And take you down, while my hot tears rain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And smoke you, you brute, myself.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page286"
+       id="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/286.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/286.png"
+             alt="Parnell's Parliamentary Puppetrs." /></a>
+
+        <h3>PARNELL'S PARLIAMENTARY PUPPETS. THE STRINGS IN A
+        TANGLE!</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page287"
+       id="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/287-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/287-1.png"
+             alt="LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M.C.C. GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY." />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M.C.C. GO OUT TO MEET THE
+        ENEMY.</h3>"Sir EDWARD WATKIN proposes to construct a
+        Railway passing through Lord's Cricket Ground."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, December 1.</i>&mdash;Tithes
+    Bill down for Second Reading. GRAND YOUNG GARDNER places
+    Amendment on the paper, which secures for him opportunity of
+    making a speech. Having availed himself of this, did not move
+    his Amendment; opening thus made for STUART-RENDEL, who had
+    another Amendment on the paper. Would he move it? Only
+    excitement of Debate settled round this point. Under good old
+    Tory Government new things in Parliamentary procedure
+    constantly achieved. Supposing half-a-dozen Members got
+    together, drew up a number of Amendments, then ballot for
+    precedence, they might arrange Debate without interposition of
+    SPEAKER. First man gets off his speech, omits to move
+    Amendment: second would come on, and so on, on to the end of
+    list. But STUART-RENDEL moved Amendment, and on this Debate
+    turned.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/287-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/287-2.png"
+             alt="Osborne Ap Morgan." /></a>Osborne Ap Morgan.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Not very lively affair, regarded as reflex of passionate
+    protestation of angry little Wales. OSBORNE AP MORGAN made
+    capital speech, but few remained to listen. Welshmen at outset
+    meant to carry Debate over to next day; couldn't be done; and
+    by half-past eleven, STUART-RENDEL's Amendment negatived by
+    rattling majority.</p>
+
+    <p>Fact is, gallant little Wales was swamped by irruptive
+    Ireland. To-day, first meeting of actual Home Rule Parliament
+    held, and everybody watching its course. This historic meeting
+    gathered in Committee-room No. 15; question purely one of Home
+    Rule; decided, after some deliberation, that, in order to have
+    proceedings in due dramatic form, there should be incorporated
+    with the meeting an eviction scene. After prolonged Debate,
+    concluded that, to do the thing thoroughly, they should select
+    PARNELL as subject of eviction.</p>
+
+    <p>"No use," TIM HEALY said, "in half-doing the thing. The eyes
+    of the Universe are fixed upon us. Let us give them a show for
+    their money."</p>
+
+    <p>PARNELL, at first, demurred; took exception on the ground
+    that, as he had no fixed place of residence, he was not
+    convenient subject for eviction; objection over-ruled; then
+    PARNELL insisted that, if he yielded on this point, he must
+    preside over proceedings. TIM and the rest urged that it was
+    not usual, when a man's conduct is under consideration upon a
+    grave charge, that he should take the Chair. Drawing upon the
+    resources of personal observation, Dr. TANNER remarked that he
+    did not remember any case in which the holder of a tenure,
+    suffering process of eviction, bossed the concern, acting
+    simultaneously, as it were, as the subject of the eviction
+    process, and the resident Magistrate.</p>
+
+    <p>Whilst conversation going on, PARNELL had unobserved taken
+    the Chair, and now ruled Dr. TANNER out of order.</p>
+
+    <p>House sat at Twelve o'Clock; at One the Speaker (Mr.
+    PARNELL), interrupting SEXTON in passage of passionate
+    eloquence, said he thought this would be convenient opportunity
+    for going out to his chop. So he went off; Debate interrupted
+    for an hour; resumed at One, and continued, with brief
+    intervals for refreshment, up till close upon midnight.
+    Proceedings conducted with closed doors, but along the
+    corridor, from time to time, rolled echoes which seemed to
+    indicate that the first meeting of the Home-Rule Parliament was
+    not lacking inanimation.</p>
+
+    <p>"I think they <i>are</i> a little 'eated, Sir," said the
+    policeman on duty outside. "Man and boy I've been in charge of
+    this beat for twenty years; usually a quiet spot; this sudden
+    row rather trying for one getting up in years. Do you think,
+    Sir, that, seeing it's an eviction, the Police can under the
+    Act claim Compensation for Disturbance?"</p>
+
+    <p>Promised to put question on subject to JOKIM.</p>
+
+    <p>Long dispute on point of order raised by NOLAN. TIM HEALY
+    referring to difficulty of dislodging PARNELL, alluded to him
+    as "Sitting Bull." Clamour from Parnellite section anxious for
+    preservation of decency of debate. Speaker said, question most
+    important. Irish Parliament in its infancy; above all things
+    essential <span class="pagenum"><a name="page288"
+       id="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span> they should well consider
+       precedents. Must reserve decision as to whether the phrase
+       was Parliamentary; would suggest, therefore, that House
+       should adjourn five weeks. On this point Debate proceeded up
+       to midnight.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;In British Parliament Tithes
+    Bill read a Second Time; in Irish (which sat four hours
+    longer), None.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;Cork Parliament still sitting upstairs
+    in Committee Room No. 15, debating question of adjournment. We
+    hear them occasionally through open doors and down long
+    corridor. Once a tremendous yell shook building.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:45%;">
+        <a href="images/288-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/288-1.png"
+             alt="Caleb Balder(Glad)stone." /></a>Caleb
+             Balder(Glad)stone finding all that was left of the
+             lost Leader, P-rn-ll.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"What's that?" I asked DICK POWER, who happened to be taking
+    glass of sherry-wine at Bar in Lobby.</p>
+
+    <p>"That," said RICHARD, "is the Irish wolves crying for the
+    blood of PARNELL," and DICK, tossing down his sherry-wine, as
+    if he had a personal quarrel with it, hurried back to the
+    shambles.</p>
+
+    <p>Quite a changed man! No longer the <i>débonnaire</i> DICK,
+    whose light heart and high spirits made him a favourite
+    everywhere. Politics have suddenly become a serious thing, and
+    DICK POWER is saddened with them.</p>
+
+    <p>"I take bitters with my sherry-wine now," DICK mentioned
+    just now in sort of apologetic way at having been discovered,
+    as it were, feasting in the house of mourning. "At the present
+    sad juncture, to drink sherry-wine with all its untamed
+    richness might, I feel, smack of callousness. Therefore I tell
+    the man to dash it with bitters, which, whilst it has a
+    penitential sound, adds a not untoothsome flavour in
+    anticipation of dinner."</p>
+
+    <p>Even with this small comfort ten years added to his age;
+    grey hairs gleam among his hyacinthine locks; his back is bent;
+    his shoes are clogged with lead. A sad sight; makes one wish
+    the pitiful business was over, and RICHARD himself again.</p>
+
+    <p>All the best of the Irish Members, whether Cavaliers or
+    Cromwellians, are depressed in same way. Came upon SWIFT
+    MacNEILL in retired recess in Library this afternoon; standing
+    up with right hand in trouser-pocket, and left hand extended
+    (his favourite oratorical attitude in happier times) smiling in
+    really violent fashion.</p>
+
+    <p>"What are you playing at?" I asked him, noticing with
+    curiosity that whilst his mouth was, so to speak, wreathed in
+    smiles, a tear dewed the fringe of his closed eyelids.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah, TOBY, is that you?" he said, "I didn't see you coming.
+    The fact is I came over here by myself to have me last
+    smile."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, you're making the most of it," I said, wishing to
+    encourage him.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:18%;">
+        <a href="images/288-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/288-2.png"
+             alt="The Last Smile." /></a>The Last Smile.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"I generally do, and as this is me last, I'm not stinting
+    measurement. They're sad times we've fallen on. Just when it
+    seemed victory was within our grasp it is snatched away, and we
+    are, as one may say, flung on the dunghill amid the wreck of
+    our country's hopes and aspirations. This is not a time to make
+    merry. Me country's ruined, and SWIFT MacNEILL smiles no
+    more."</p>
+
+    <p>With that he shut up his jaws with a snap, and strode off.
+    I'm sorry he should take the matter to heart so seriously. We
+    shall miss that smile.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Irish Land Bill in British
+    Parliament. Cork Parliament still sitting.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;Cork Parliament still sitting;
+    PARNELL predominant; issues getting a little mixed; understood
+    that Session summoned to decide whether, in view of certain
+    proceedings before Mr. Justice BUTT, PARNELL should be
+    permitted to retain Leadership. Everything been discussed but
+    that. Things got so muddled up, that O'KEEFE, walking about,
+    bowed with anxious thought, not quite certain whether it is TIM
+    HEALY, SEXTON, or JUSTIN McCARTHY, who was involved in recent
+    Divorce suit. Certainly, it couldn't have been PARNELL, who
+    to-day suggests that the opportunity is fitting for putting Mr.
+    G. in a tight place.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:23%;">
+        <a href="images/288-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/288-3.png"
+             alt="Weighed down with Thought." /></a>Weighed down
+             with Thought.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"You go to him," says PARNELL, "and demand certain pledges
+    on Home Rule scheme. If he does not consent, he will be in a
+    hole; threatened with loss of Irish Vote. You will be in a
+    dilemma, as you cannot then side with him against me, the real
+    friend of Ireland; whilst I shall be confirmed in my position
+    as the only possible Leader of the Party. If, on the contrary,
+    this unrivalled sophist is drawn into anything like a
+    declaration that will satisfy you in the face of the Irish
+    People, he will be hopelessly embarrassed with his English
+    friends; I shall have paid off an old score, and can afford to
+    retire from the Leadership, certain that in a few months the
+    Irish People will clamour for the return of the man who showed
+    that, if only he could serve them, he was ready to sacrifice
+    his personal position and advantages. Don't, Gentlemen, let us,
+    at a crisis like this, descend to topics of mere personality.
+    In spite of what has passed at this table, I should like to
+    shield my honourable friends, Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, Mr. SEXTON,
+    and that <i>beau idéal</i> of an Irish Member, Mr. JUSTIN
+    McCARTHY, from references, of a kind peculiarly painful to
+    them, to certain proceedings in a court of law with respect to
+    which I will, before I sit down, say this, that, if all the
+    facts were known, they would be held absolutely free from
+    imputation of irregularity."</p>
+
+    <p>General cheering greeted this speech. Members shook hands
+    all round, and nominated Committee to go off and make things
+    hot for Mr. G. <i>Business done</i>.&mdash;In British House
+    Prince ARTHUR expounded Scheme for Relief of Irish
+    Distress.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;A dark shadow falls on House to-day.
+    Mrs. PEEL died this morning, and our SPEAKER sits by a lonely
+    hearth, OLD MORALITY, in his very best style, speaking with the
+    simple language of a kind heart, voices the prevalent feeling.
+    Mr. G., always at his best on these occasions, adds some words,
+    though, as he finely says, any expression of sympathy is but
+    inadequate medicine for so severe a hurt. Members reverently
+    uncover whilst these brief speeches are made. That is a
+    movement shown only when a Royal Message is read; and here is
+    mention of a Message from the greatest and final King. Mrs.
+    PEEL, though the wife of the First Commoner in the land, was
+    not <i>une grande dame</i>. She was a kindly, homely lady, of
+    unaffected manner, with keen sympathies for all that was bright
+    and good. Every Member feels that something is lost to the
+    House of Commons now that she lies still in her chamber at
+    Speaker's Court.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>THE DRAMA ON CRUTCHES.&mdash;A Mr. GREIN has suggested,
+    according to some Friday notes in the <i>D.T.</i>, a scheme for
+    subsidising a theatre and founding a Dramatic School. The
+    latter, apparently, is not to aid the healthy but the decrepit
+    drama, as it is intended "to afford succour to old or disabled
+    actors and actresses." Why then call it a "Dramatic School?"
+    Better style it, a "Dramatic-Second-Infancy-School."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>DEATH IN THE FIELD.&mdash;If things go on as they have been
+    going lately, the statisticians who compile the "Public Health"
+    averages will have to include, as one important item in their
+    "Death Rates," the ravages of that annual epidemic popularly
+    known as&mdash;Football!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"JUSTICE FOR IRELAND!"&mdash;The contest on the Chairmanship
+    of the Irish Parliamentary Party may be summed
+    up:&mdash;PARNELL&mdash;Just out, McCARTHY Just in.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+99., December 13, 1890, by Various
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99.,
+December 13, 1890, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., December 13, 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 14, 2004 [EBook #12905]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 99.
+
+
+
+December 13, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. IX.--THE CURSE OF COGNAC.
+
+    (_By_ WATER DECANT, _Author of "Chaplin off his Feet," "All
+    Sorts of Editions for Men," "The Nuns in Dilemma," "The
+    Cream he Tried," "Blue-the-Money Naughty-boy," "The Silver
+    Gutter-Snipe," "All for a Farden Fare," "The Roley Hose,"
+    "Caramel of Stickinesse," &c., &c., &c._)
+
+    [Of this story the Author writes to us as follows:--"I can
+    honestly recommend it, as calculated to lower the exaggerated
+    cheerfulness which is apt to prevail at Christmas time. I
+    consider it, therefore, to be eminently suited for a Christmas
+    Annual. Families are advised to read it in detachments of four
+    or five at a time. Married men who owe their wives' mothers
+    a grudge should lock them into a bare room, with a guttering
+    candle and this story. Death will be certain and not painless.
+    I've got one or two rods in pickle for the publishers. You
+    wait and see.--W.D."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+GEORGE GINSLING was alone in his College-rooms at Cambridge. His
+friends had just left him. They were quite the tip-top set in Christ's
+College, and the ashes of the cigarettes they had been smoking lay
+about the rich Axminster carpet. They had been talking about many
+things, as is the wont of young men, and one of them had particularly
+bothered GEORGE by asking him why he had refused a seat in the
+University Trial Eights after rowing No. 5 in his College boat. GEORGE
+had no answer ready, and had replied angrily. Now, he thought of
+many answers. This made him nervous. He paced quickly up and down the
+deserted room, sipping his seventh tumbler of brandy, as he walked. It
+was his invariable custom to drink seven tumblers of neat brandy every
+night to steady himself, and his College career had, in consequence,
+been quite unexceptionable up to the present moment. He used playfully
+to remind his Dean of PORSON's drunken epigram, and the good man
+always accepted this as an excuse for any false quantities in GEORGE's
+Greek Iambics. But to-night, as I have said, GEORGE was nervous with a
+strange nervousness, and he, therefore, went to bed, having previously
+blown out his candle and placed his Waterbury watch under his pillow,
+on the top of which sat a Devil wearing a thick jersey worked with
+large green spots on a yellow ground.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+Now this Devil was a Water-Devil of the most pronounced type. His
+head-quarters were on the Thames at Barking, where there is a sewage
+outfall, and he had lately established a branch-office on the Cam,
+where he did a considerable business.
+
+Occasionally, he would run down to Cambridge himself, to consult
+with his manager, and on these occasions he would indulge his
+playful humour by going out at night and sitting on the pillows of
+Undergraduates.
+
+This was one of his nights out, and he had chosen GEORGE GINSLING's
+pillow as his seat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEORGE woke up with a start. What was this feeling in his throat?
+Had he swallowed his blanket, or his cocoa-nut matting? No, they
+were still in their respective places. He tore out his tongue and his
+tonsils, and examined them. They were on fire. This puzzled him. He
+replaced them. As he did so, a shower of red-hot coppers fell from his
+mouth on to his feet. The agony was awful. He howled, and danced about
+the room. Then he dashed at the whiskey, but the bottle ducked as he
+approached, and he failed to tackle it. Poor GEORGE, you see, was a
+rowing-man, not a football-player. Then he knew what he wanted. In
+his keeping-room were six _carafes_, full of Cambridge water, and a
+dozen bottles of Hunyadi Janos. He rushed in, and hurled himself upon
+the bottles with all his weight. The crash was dreadful. The foreign
+bottles, being poor, frail things, broke at once. He lapped up the
+liquid like a thirsty dog. The _carafes_ survived. He crammed them
+with their awful contents, one after another, down his throat. Then he
+returned to his bed-room, seized his jug, and emptied it at one gulp.
+His bath was full. He lifted it in one hand, and drained it as dry
+as a University sermon. The thirst compelled him--drove him--made
+him--urged him--lashed him--forced him--shoved him--goaded him--to
+drink, drink, drink water, water, water! At last he was appeased. He
+had cried bitterly, and drunk up all his tears. He fell back on his
+bed, and slept for twenty-four hours, and the Devil went out and gave
+his gyp, STARLING, a complete set of instructions for use in case of
+flood.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+STARLING was a pale, greasy man. He was a devil of a gyp. He went into
+GEORGE's bed-room and shook his master by the shoulder. GEORGE woke
+up.
+
+"Bring me the College pump," he said. "I must have it. No, stay," he
+continued, as STARLING prepared to execute his orders, "a hair of the
+dog--bring it, quick, quick!"
+
+STARLING gave him three. He always carried them about with him in case
+of accidents. GEORGE devoured them eagerly, recklessly. Then with a
+deep sigh of relief, he went stark staring mad, and bit STARLING in
+the fleshy part of the thigh, after which he fell fast asleep again.
+On awaking, he took his name off the College books, gave STARLING a
+cheque for L5000, broke off his engagement, but forgot to post the
+letter, and consulted a Doctor.
+
+"What you want," said the Doctor, "is to be shut up for a year in the
+tap-room of a public-house. No water, only spirits. That must cure
+you."
+
+So GEORGE ordered STARLING to hire a public-house in a populous
+district. When this was done, he went and lived there. But you
+scarcely need to be told that STARLING had not carried out his orders.
+How could he be expected to do that? Only fifty-six pages of my book
+had been written, and even publishers--the most abandoned people on
+the face of the earth--know that that amount won't make a Christmas
+Annual. So STARLING hired a Temperance Hotel. As I have said, he was
+a devil of a gyp.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+The fact was this. One of GEORGE's great-great uncles had held a
+commission in the Blue Ribbon Army. GEORGE remembered this too late.
+The offer of a seat in the University Trial Eights must have suggested
+the blue ribbon which the University Crew wear on their straw hats.
+Thus the diabolical forces of heredity were roused to fever-heat, and
+the great-great uncle, with his blue ribbon, whose photograph hung in
+GEORGE's home over the parlour mantelpiece, became a living force in
+GEORGE's brain.
+
+GEORGE GINSLING went and lived in a suburban neighbourhood. It was
+useless. He married a sweet girl with various spiteful relations. In
+vain. He changed his name to PUMPDRY, and conducted a local newspaper.
+Profitless striving. STARLING was always at hand, always ready
+with the patent filter, and as punctual in his appearances as the
+washing-bill or the East wind. I repeat, he was a devil of a gyp.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+They found GEORGE GINSLING feet uppermost in six inches of water in
+the Daffodil Road reservoir. It was a large reservoir, and had been
+quite full before GEORGE began upon it. This was his record drink, and
+it killed him. His last words were, "If I had stuck to whiskey, this
+would never have happened."
+
+THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"IT IS THE BOGIE MAN!"--BLACKIE'S _Modern Cyclopedia_. Nothing to do
+with the Christy Minstrel Entertainment, but a very useful work of
+reference, issued from the ancient house of publishers which is now
+quite BLACKIE with age. We have looked through the "B's" for "Bogie,"
+but "The Bogie Man" is "Not there, not there, my child!" but he is
+to be found in that other BLACKIE's collection at the St. James's
+Hall, which Bogie Man is said to be the original of that ilk.
+_Unde derivatur_ "Bogie"? Perhaps the next edition of BLACKIE's
+_still-more-Modern-than-ever Cyclopedia will explain_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS ABOUT PICTURES (_by Old Par_).--At the Fine Art Society's Gallery
+I gazed upon the pictures of "Many-sided Nature" with great content,
+and came to the conclusion that Mr. ALBERT GOODWIN was a many-sided
+artist. "Now," said I, quoting SHAKSPEARE--_Old Par's Improved
+Edition_--"is the GOODWIN of our great content made glorious." O.P.,
+who knows every inch of Abingdon, who has gazed upon Hastings from
+High Wickham, who is intimate with every brick in Dorchester, who
+loves every reed and ripple on the Thames, and has a considerable
+knowledge of the Rigi and Venice, can bear witness to the truth of the
+painter. There are over seventy pictures--every one worth looking at.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BUSINESS!"
+
+[Illustration: _Sweater_ (_to Mr. Punch_). "NO USE YOUR INTERFERING.
+BUSINESS IS BUSINESS!"
+
+_Mr. P._ "YES, AND UNCOMMONLY BAD BUSINESS, TOO, FOR _THEM_. COULDN'T
+THE LARGE FIRMS TAKE A TRIFLE LESS PROFIT, AND PUT A LITTLE PLEASURE
+INTO THE BUSINESS OF THESE POOR STARVING WORKERS?"]
+
+    ["Business!" cries the Sweater, when remonstrated with
+    for paying the poor Match-box makers twopence-farthing or
+    twopence-half-penny a gross, whilst his own profits reach
+    22-1/2 to 25 per cent.--_Daily News_.]
+
+_PUNCH TO THE SWEATING SHYLOCK._
+
+  Eh? "Business is business"? Sheer cant, Sir! Pure gammon?
+  Of all the inhuman, sham Maxims of Mammon,
+    This one is the worst,
+  For under its cover lurks cruelty callous,
+  With murderous meanness that merits the gallows,
+    And avarice accurst.
+
+  Oh, well, I'm aware, Sir, how ruthless rapacity
+  Loves to take shelter, with cunning mendacity
+    'Neath an old saw;
+  But well says the scribe that such "business" is crime, Sir,
+  And such would be but for gaps half the time, Sir,
+    'Twixt justice and law.
+
+  Bah! Many a man who's sheer rogue in reality,
+  Hides the harsh knave in the mask of "legality."
+    When 'tis too gross,
+  Robbery's rash, but austere orthodoxies
+  Countenance such things as modern match-boxes
+    Nine-farthings a gross!
+
+  From seven till ten, and sometimes to eleven,
+  For "six bob" a week. Ah! such life _must_ be heaven;
+    Whilst as for your "profit,"
+  That's bound to approach five-and-twenty per cent.,
+  That Sweaters shall thrive, let their tools be content
+    With starvation in Tophet.
+
+  To starve's bad enough, but to starve and to work
+  (Mrs. LABOUCHERE hints), the most patient may irk;
+    And the lady is right--
+  Business? On brutes who dare mouth such base trash,
+  _Mr. Punch_, who loves justice and sense, lays his lash,
+    With the greatest delight.
+
+  He knows the excuses advanced for the Sweater,
+  But bad is the best, and, until you find better,
+    'Tis useless to cant
+  Of freedom of contract, supply and demand,
+  And all the cold sophistries ever on hand
+    Sound sense to supplant.
+
+  A phrase takes the place of an argument often.
+  And stomachs go empty, and brains slowly soften,
+    And sense sick with dizziness,
+  All in the name of the bosh men embody
+  In one clap-trap phrase that dupes many a noddy,
+    That--business is business!
+
+  Business? Yes, precious bad business for them, Sir,
+  Whose joyless enslavement _you_ take with such phlegm, Sir,
+    Suppose, to enhance
+  Their small share of ease, such as you, were content, Sir,
+  To lower a trifle your precious "per cent.," Sir,
+    And give _them_ a chance!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOFT SAWDER.
+
+"BUT I DON'T CALL THIS A FASHIONABLE 'AT!"
+
+"IT WILL SOON _BECOME_ SO, MADAM, IF _YOU_ WEAR IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: A Christmas Masque.]
+
+In _Camp and Studio_, Mr. IRVING MONTAGU, some time on the artistic
+staff of _The Illustrated London News_, gives his experiences of the
+Russo-Turkish Campaign. He concisely sums up the qualifications of a
+War Correspondent by saying that he should "have an iron constitution,
+a laconic, incisive style, and sufficient tact to establish a safe
+and rapid connecting link between the forefront of battle and his own
+head-quarters in Fleet Street or elsewhere." As Mr. IRVING MONTAGU
+seems to have lived up to his ideal, it is a little astonishing to
+find the last chapters of his book devoted to _Back in Bohemia_,
+wherein he discourses of going to the Derby, a Hammersmith
+_Desdemona_, and of the _Postlethwaites_ and _Maudles_, "whose
+peculiarities have been recorded by the facile pen of DU MAURIER." But
+as the author seems pleased with the reader, it would be indeed sad
+were the reader to find fault with the author. However, this may be
+said in his favour--he tells (at least) one good story. On his return
+from Plevna to Bohemia, a dinner was given in his honour at the
+Holborn Restaurant. Every detail was perfect--the only omission was
+forgetfulness on the part of the Committee to invite _the guest of
+the evening_! At the last moment the mistake was discovered, and a
+telegram was hurriedly despatched to Mr. MONTAGU, telling him that he
+was "wanted." On his arrival he was refused admittance to the dinner
+by the waiters, because he was not furnished with a ticket! Ultimately
+he was ushered into the Banqueting Hall, when everything necessarily
+ended happily.
+
+One might imagine that Birthday Books have had their day, but
+apparently they still flourish, for HAZELL, WATSON, & VINEY publish
+yet another, under the title of _Names we Love, and Places we Know_.
+The first does not apply to our friends, but to the quotations
+selected, and places are shown by photos.
+
+Of many _Beneficent and Useful Lives_, you will hear "in
+CHAMBERS,"--the reader sitting as judge on the various cases brought
+before him by Mr. ROBERT COCHRANE.
+
+_Unlucky_ will not be the little girl who reads the book with this
+name, by CAROLINE AUSTIN.
+
+_Everybody's Business_, by ISMAY THORN, nobody likes interference, but
+in this case it proved the friend in need.
+
+_Chivalry_, by LEON GAUTIER, translated by HENRY FRITH, is a chronicle
+of knighthood, its rules, and its deeds. To the scientific student,
+_Discoveries and Inventions of the Nineteenth Century_, by ROBERT
+ROUTLEDGE, B.S., F.C.S., will be interesting, and help him to discover
+a lot he does not know. Those who have not already read it, _A Wonder
+Book for Girls and Boys_, by NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, will have a real
+treat in the myths related; _Tanglewood Tales_ are included, and these
+are delightful for all. _Rosebud_, by Mrs. ADAMS ACTON, a tale for
+girls, who will love this bright little flower, bringing happiness all
+around.
+
+_Holly Leaves_, the Special Number of _The Sporting and Dramatic_, is
+quite a seasonable decoration for the drawing-room table during the
+Christmas holidays.
+
+My faithful "Co." has been reading _Jack's Secret_, by Mrs.
+LOVETT CAMERON, which, he says, has greatly pleased him. It has
+an interesting story, and is full of clever sketches of character.
+_Jack_, himself, is rather a weak personage, and scarcely deserves the
+good fortune which ultimately falls to his lot. After flirting with a
+born coquette, who treats him with a cruelty which is not altogether
+unmerited, he settles down with a thoroughly lovable little wife, and
+a seat in the House of Lords. From this it will be gathered that all
+ends happily. _Jack's Secret_ will be let out by MUDIE's, and will be
+kept, for a considerable time--by the subscribers.
+
+Girls will be the richer this year by _Fifty-two more Stories for
+Girls_, and boys will be delighted with _Fifty-two more Stories for
+Boys_, by many of the best authors: both these books are edited by
+ALFRED MILES, and published by HUTCHISON & Co. _Lion Jack_, by P.T.
+BARNUM, is an account of JACK's perilous adventures in capturing wild
+animals. If they weren't, of course, all true, _Lyin' Jack_ would have
+been a better title.
+
+_Syd Belton_, unlike most story-book boys, would not go to sea, but he
+was made to _go_, by the author, Mr. MANVILLE FENN. Once launched, he
+proved himself a British salt of the first water. _Dumps and I_, by
+Mrs. PARR, is a _par_ticularly pretty book for girls, and quite on a
+par with, her other works. METHUEN & CO. publish these.
+
+_Pictures and Stories from English History_, and _Royal Portrait
+Gallery_, are two Royal Prize Books for the historical-minded child;
+they are published by T. NELSON AND SONS, as likewise "_Fritz_" _of
+Prussia, Germany's Second Emperor_, by LUCY TAYLOR. _Dictionary of
+Idiomatic English Phrases_, by JAMES MAIN DIXON, M.A., F.R.S.E., which
+may prove a useful guide to benighted foreigners in assisting them to
+solve the usual British vagaries of speech; like the commencement of
+the Dictionary, it is quite an "A1" book.
+
+"Dear Diary!" as one of Mr. F.C. PHILLIPS's heroines used to
+address her little book, but DE LA RUE's are not "dear Diaries," nor
+particularly cheap ones. This publisher is quite the Artful Dodger in
+devising diaries in all shapes and sizes, from the big pocket-book to
+the more insidious waistcoat-pocket booklet,--"small by degrees, but
+beautifully less."
+
+"Here's to you, TOM SMITH!"--it's BROWN in the song, but no
+matter,--"Here's to you," sings the Baron, "with all my heart!" Your
+comic gutta-percha-faced Crackers are a novelty; in fact, you've
+solved a difficulty by introducing into our old Christmas Crackers
+several new features.
+
+This year the Baron gives the prize for pictorial amusement to LOTHAR
+MEGGENDORFER (Gods! what a name!), who, assisted by his publishers,
+GREVEL & CO., has produced an irresistibly funny book of movable
+figures, entitled _Comic Actors_. What these coloured actors do is so
+moving, that the spectators will be in fits of chuckling. Recommended,
+says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS."
+
+ARGUMENT.--EDWIN has taken ANGELINA, his _fiancee_, to an
+entertainment by a Mesmerist, and, wishing to set his doubts at
+rest, has gone upon the platform, and placed himself entirely at the
+Mesmerist's disposition. On rejoining ANGELINA, she has insisted upon
+being taken home immediately, and has cried all the way back in the
+hansom--much to EDWIN's perplexity. They are alone together, in a
+Morning-room; ANGELINA is still sobbing in an arm-chair, and EDWIN is
+rubbing his ear as he stands on the hearthrug.
+
+_Edwin_. I say, ANGELINA, don't go on like this, or we shall have
+somebody coming in! I wouldn't have gone up if I'd known it would
+upset you like this; but I only wanted to make quite sure that the
+whole thing was humbug, and--(_complacently_)--I rather think I
+settled that.
+
+_Ang._ (_in choked accents_). You settled that?--but _how?_... Oh, go
+away--I can't bear to think of it all! [_Fresh outburst._
+
+_Ed._ You're a little nervous, darling, that's all--and you see, I'm
+all right. I felt a little drowsy once, but I knew perfectly well what
+I was about all the time.
+
+_Ang._ (_with a bound_). You knew?--then you _were_ pretending--and
+you call that a good joke! _Oh!_
+
+_Ed._ Hardly pretending. I just sat still, with my eyes shut, and the
+fellow stroked my face a bit. I waited to see if anything would come
+of it--and nothing did, that's all. At least, I'm not aware that I did
+anything peculiar. In fact, I'm _certain_ I didn't. (_Uneasily._) Eh,
+ANGELINA?
+
+_Ang._ (_indistinctly, owing to her face being buried in cushions_).
+If you d-d-d-on't really know, you'd bub-bub-better-not ask--but I
+believe you do--quite well!
+
+_Ed._ Look here, ANGIE, if I behaved at all out of the common, it's
+just as well that I should know it. I don't recollect it, that's all.
+Do pull yourself together, and tell me all about it.
+
+_Ang._ (_sitting up_). Very well--if you will have it, you must. But
+you can't really have forgotten how you stood before the footlights,
+making the most horrible faces, as if you were in front of a
+looking-glass. All those other creatures were doing it, too; but, oh,
+EDWIN, yours were far the ugliest--they haunt me still.... I mustn't
+think of them--I won't! [_Buries her face again._
+
+_Ed._ (_reddening painfully_). No, I say--_did_ I? not really--without
+humbug, ANGELINA!
+
+_Ang._ _You_ know best if it was without humbug! And, after that, he
+gave you a glass of cuc-cod-liver oil, and--and pup-pup-paraffin,
+and you dud-drank it up, and asked for more, and said it was the
+bub-bub-best Scotch whiskey you ever tasted. You oughtn't even to
+_know_ about Scotch whiskey!
+
+_Ed._ I can't know much if I did _that_. Odd I shouldn't remember it,
+though. Was that all?
+
+_Ang._ Oh, no. After that you sang--a dreadful song--and pretended to
+accompany yourself on a broom. EDWIN, you know you did; you can't deny
+it!
+
+_Ed._ I--I didn't know I _could_ sing; and--did you say on a broom?
+It's bad enough for me already, ANGELINA, without _howling_! Well, I
+sang--and what then?
+
+_Ang._ Then he put out a cane with a silver top close to your face,
+and you squinted at it, and followed it about everywhere with your
+nose; you _must_ have known how utterly idiotic you looked!
+
+_Ed._ (_dropping into a chair_). Not at the time.... Well, go on,
+ANGELINA; let's have it all. What next?
+
+_Ang._ Next? Oh, next he told you you were the Champion Acrobat of
+the World, and you began to strike foolish attitudes, and turn great
+clumsy somersaults all over the stage, and you always came down on the
+flat of your back!
+
+_Ed._ I _thought_ I felt a trifle stiff. Somersaults, eh? Anything
+else? (_With forced calm._)
+
+_Ang._ I did think I should have _died_ of shame when you danced?
+
+_Ed._ Oh, I _danced_, did I? Hum--er--was I _alone_?
+
+_Ang._ There were four other wretches dancing too, and you imitated
+a ballet. You were dressed up in an artificial wreath and a
+gug-gug-gauze skirt.
+
+_Ed._ (_collapsing_). No?? I _wasn't_!... Heavens! What a bounder I
+must have looked! But I say, ANGIE, it was all _right_. I suppose? I
+mean to say I wasn't exactly vulgar, or that sort of thing, eh?
+
+_Ang._ Not vulgar? Oh, EDWIN? I can only say I was truly thankful
+_Mamma_ wasn't there!
+
+_Ed._ (_wincing_). Now, don't, ANGELINA it's quite awful enough as it
+is. What beats me is how on earth I came to _do_ it all.
+
+_Ang._ You see, EDWIN, I wouldn't have minded so much if I had had the
+least idea you were like _that_.
+
+_Ed._ Like that! Good Heavens. ANGIE, am I in the habit of making
+hideous grimaces before a looking-glass? Do you suppose I am
+given to over-indulgence in cod-liver oil and whatever the other
+beastliness was? Am I acrobatic in my calmer moments? Did you ever
+know me sing--with or without a broom? I'm a shy man by nature
+(_pathetically_), more shy than you _think_, perhaps,--and in my
+normal condition, I should be the last person to prance about in a
+gauze skirt for the amusement of a couple of hundred idiots? I don't
+believe I did, either!
+
+_Ang._ (_impressed by his evident sincerity_). But you said you knew
+what you were about all the time!
+
+_Ed._ I thought so, then. Now--well, hang it, I suppose there's more
+in this infernal Mesmerism than I fancied. There, it's no use talking
+about it--it's done. You--you won't mind shaking hands before I go,
+will you? Just for the last time?
+
+_Ang._ (_alarmed_). Why--where are you going?
+
+_Ed._ (_desperate_). Anywhere--go out and start on a _ranche_, or
+something, or join the Colonial Police force. Anything's better than
+staying on here after the stupendous ass I've made of myself!
+
+_Ang._ But--but, EDWIN, I daresay nobody _noticed_ it much.
+
+_Ed._ According to you, I must have been a pretty conspicuous object.
+
+_Ang._ Yes--only, you see, I--I daresay they'd only think you were
+a confederate or something--no, I don't mean that--but, after all,
+indeed you didn't make such _very_ awful faces. I--I _liked_ some of
+them!
+
+_Ed._ (_incredulously_). But you said they haunted you--and then the
+oil, and the somersaults, and the ballet-dancing. No, it's no use,
+ANGELINA, I can see you'll never get over this. It's better to part
+and have done with it!
+
+_Ang._ (_gradually retracting_). Oh, but listen. I--I didn't mean
+quite all I said just now. I mixed things up. It was really whiskey
+he gave you, only he _said_ it was paraffin, and so you wouldn't drink
+it, and you _did_ sing, but it was only about some place where an old
+horse died, and it was somebody else who had the broom! And you didn't
+dance nearly so much as the others, and--and whatever you did, you
+were never in the least ridiculous. (_Earnestly_). You weren't,
+_really_, EDWIN!
+
+_Ed._ (_relieved_). Well. I thought you must have been exaggerating a
+little. Why, look here, for all you know, you may have been mistaking
+somebody else for me all the time--don't you see?
+
+_Ang._ I--I am almost sure I did, now. Yes, why, of course--how stupid
+I have been! It was someone very like you--not you at all!
+
+_Ed._ (_resentfully_). Well, I must say, ANGELINA, that to give a
+fellow a fright like this, all for nothing--
+
+_Ang._ Yes--yes, it was all for nothing, it was so silly of me.
+Forgive me, EDWIN, please!
+
+_Ed._ (_still aggrieved_). I know for a fact that I didn't so much as
+leave my chair, and to say I _danced_, ANGELINA!
+
+_Ang._ (_eagerly_). But I _don't_. I remember now, you sat perfectly
+still the whole time, he--he said he could do nothing with you, don't
+you recollect? (_Aside._) Oh, what stories I'm telling!
+
+_Ed._ (_with recovered dignity_). Of course I recollect--perfectly.
+Well, ANGELINA, I'm not _annoyed_, of course, darling; but another
+time, you should really try to observe more closely what _is_ done and
+who _does_ it--before making all this fuss about nothing.
+
+_Ang._ But you won't go and be mesmerised again, EDWIN--not after
+this?
+
+_Ed._ Well, you see, as I always said, it hasn't the slightest effect
+on me. But from what I observed, I am perfectly satisfied that
+the whole thing is a fraud. All those other fellows were obviously
+accomplices, or they'd never have gone through such absurd
+antics--would they now?
+
+_Ang._ (_meekly_). No, dear, of course not. But don't let's talk any
+more about it. There are so many things it's no use trying to explain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW IT'S DONE.
+
+(_A HAND-BOOK TO HONESTY._)
+
+NO. VII.--SELLING A HORSE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    SCENE I.--_A Horse-Sale. Inexperienced Person, in search of a
+    cheap but sound animal for business purposes, looking on in
+    a nervous and undecided manner, half tempted to bid for the
+    horse at present under the hammer. To him approaches a grave
+    and closely-shaven personage, in black garments, of clerical
+    cut, a dirty-white tie, and a crush felt hat._
+
+_Clerical Gent_. They are running that flea-bitten grey up pretty
+well, are they not. Sir?
+
+_Inexperienced Person_. Ahem! ye-es, I suppose they are. I--er--was
+half thinking of bidding myself, but it's going a bit beyond me, I
+fear.
+
+_C.G._ Ah, plant, Sir--to speak the language of these horsey
+vulgarians--a regular plant! You are better out of it, believe me.
+
+_I.P._ _In_-deed! You don't say so?
+
+_C.G._ (_sighing_). Only too true. Sir. Why--(_in a gush of
+confidence_)--look at my own case. Being obliged to leave the country,
+and give up my carriage, I put my horse into this sale, at a _very_
+low reserve of twenty pounds. (_Entre nous_, it's worth at least
+double that.) Between the Auctioneer, and a couple of rascally
+horse-dealers--who I found out, by pure accident, wanted my animal
+particularly _for a match pair_--the sale of my horse is what _they_
+call "bunnicked up." _Then_ they come to me, and offer me money. I
+spot their game, and am so indignant that I'll have nothing to do with
+them, at _any_ price. Wouldn't sell dear old _Bogey_, whom my wife
+and children are so fond of, to such brutal blackguards, on _any_
+consideration. No, Sir, the horse has done me good service--a sounder
+nag never walked on four hoofs; and I'd rather sell it to a good,
+kind master, for twenty pounds, aye, or even eighteen, than let these
+rascals have it, though they _have_ run up as high as thirty q----,
+ahem! guineas.
+
+_I.P._ Have they indeed, now? And what have you done with the horse?
+
+_C.G._ Put it into livery close by, Sir. And, unless I can find a good
+master for it, by Jove, I'll take it back again, and _give it away to
+a friend_. Perhaps, Sir, you'd like to have a look at the animal. The
+stables are only in the next street, and--as a friend, and with no
+eye to business--I should be pleased to show poor _Bogey_ to anyone so
+sympathetic as yourself.
+
+    [_I.P., after some further chat of a friendly nature, agrees
+    to go and "run his eye over him."_
+
+    SCENE II.--_Greengrocer's yard at side of a seedy house in a
+    shabby street, slimy and straw-bestrewn. Yard is paved with
+    lumpy, irregular cobbles, and some sooty and shaky-looking
+    sheds stand at the bottom thereof. Enter together, Clerical
+    Gent and Inexperienced Person._
+
+_C.G._ (_smiling apologetically_). Not exactly palatial premises for
+an animal used to _my_ stables at Wickham-in-the-Wold! But I know
+these people, Sir; they are kind as Christians, and as honest as
+the day. Hoy! TOM! TOM!! TOM!!! Are you there, TOM? [_From the shed
+emerges a very small boy with very short hair, and a very long livery,
+several sizes too large for him, the tail of the brass-buttoned coat
+and the bottoms of the baggy trousers alike sweeping the cobbles as
+he shambles forward_]. (_C.G. genially_.) Ah, there you are, TOM, my
+lad. Bring out dear old _Bogey_, and show it to my friend here. [_Boy
+leads out a rusty roan Rosinante, high in bone, and low in flesh,
+with prominent hocks, and splay hoofs, which stumble gingerly over the
+cobbles._] (_Patting the horse affectionately._) Ah, poor old _Bogey_,
+he doesn't like these lumpy stones, does he? Not used to them, Sir.
+My stable-yard at Wickham-in-the-Wold, is as smoothly paved as--as the
+Alhambra, Sir. I always _consider_ my animals, Sir. A merciful man is
+merciful to his beast, as the good book says. But _isn't_ he a Beauty?
+
+_I.P._ Well--ahem!--ye-es; he looks a kind, gentle, steady sort of a
+creature. But--ahem!--what's the matter with his knees?
+
+_C.G._ Oh, nothing, Sir, nothing at all. Only a habit he has got
+_along of kind treatment_. Like us when we "stand at ease," you know,
+a bit baggy, that's all. You should see him after a twenty miles
+spin along our Wickham roads, when my wife and I are doing a round
+of visits among the neighbouring gentry. Ah, _Bogey, Bogey_, old
+boy--_kissing his nose_--I don't know what Mrs. G. and the girls will
+say when they hear I've parted with you--if I do, _if_ I do.
+
+    _Enter two horsey-looking Men as though in search of
+    something._
+
+_First Horsey Man_. Ah, here you are. Well, look 'ere, are you going
+to take Thirty Pounds for that horse o' yourn? Yes or No!
+
+_C.G._ (_turning upon them with dignity_). _No_, Sir; most
+emphatically _No!_ I've told you before I will not sell him to you
+at _any_ price. Have the goodness to leave us--_at once_, I'm engaged
+with my friend here.
+
+    [_Horsey Men turn away despondently. Enter hurriedly, a
+    shabby-looking Groom._
+
+_Groom_. Oh, look here, Mister--er--er--wot's yer name? His
+Lordship wants to know whether you'll take his offer of Thirty-five
+Pounds--_or_ Guineas--for that roan. He wouldn't offer as much, only
+it happens jest to match--
+
+_C.G._ (_with great decisiveness_). Inform his Lordship, with my
+compliments, that I regret to be entirely unable to entertain his
+proposition.
+
+_Groom_. Oh, _very_ well. But I wish you'd jest step out and tell his
+Lordship so yerself. He's jest round the corner at the 'otel entrance,
+a flicking of his boots, as irritated as a blue-bottle caught in a
+cowcumber frame.
+
+_C.G._ Oh, _certainly_, with pleasure. (_To I.P._) If you'll excuse
+me, Sir, just one moment, I'll step out and speak to his Lordship.
+
+    [_Exit, followed by_ Groom.
+
+_Horsey Person_ (_making a rush at I.P. as soon as C.G. has
+disappeared, speaking in a breathless hurry_). Now lookye here,
+guv'nor--sharp's the word! He'll be back in arf a jiff. _You buy that
+'oss!_ He won't sell it to _us_, bust 'im; but you've got 'im in a
+string, you 'ave. He'll sell it to _you_ for eighteen quid--p'raps
+sixteen. _Buy_ it, Sir, buy it! We'll be outside, by the pub at the
+corner, my pal and me, and--(_producing notes_)--we'll take it off
+you agen for _thirty pounds_, and glad o' the charnce. We want it
+pertikler, we do, and you can 'elp us, and put ten quid in your own
+pocket too as easy as be blowed. Ah! here he is! Mum's the word! Round
+the corner by the pub! [_Exeunt hurriedly._
+
+_Clerical Gent_ (_blandly_). Ah! _that's_ settled. His Lordship was
+angry, but I was firm. Take _Bogey_ back to the stable, TOM--_unless_,
+of course--(_looking significantly at Inexperienced Person_).
+
+_Inexperienced Person_ (_hesitating_). Well, I'm not sure but what the
+animal would suit me, and--ahem!--if you care to trust it to me--
+
+_Clerical Gent_ (_joyously_). Trust it to _you_, Sir? Why, with
+pleasure, with every confidence. Dear old _Bogey_! He'll be happy
+with such a master--ah, and do him service too. I tell you, Sir, that
+horse, to a quiet, considerate sort o' gent like yourself, who wants
+to _work_ his animal, not to wear it out, is worth forty pound, every
+penny of it--and cheap at the price!
+
+_I.P._ Thanks! And--ah--what _is_ the figure?
+
+_C.G._ Why--ah--eighteen--no, dash it!--sixteen _to you_, and say no
+more about it.
+
+    [_Inexperienced Person closes with the offer, hands notes
+    to Clerical Gent (who, under pressure of business, hurries
+    off), takes Bogey from the grinning groom-lad, leads
+    him--with difficulty--out into the street, searches vainly for
+    the two horsey Men, who, like "his Lordship," have utterly
+    and finally disappeared, and finds himself left alone in a
+    bye-thoroughfare with a "horse," which he cannot get along
+    anyhow, and which he is presently glad to part with to a
+    knacker for thirty shillings._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN.
+
+_Hired Waiter_ (_handling the liqueurs_). "_PLEASE_, SIR, _DON'T_ MAKE
+ME LAUGH--I SHALL SPILL 'EM ALL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WRITE AND WRONG.
+
+As so many private letters are sold at public sales nowadays, it has
+become necessary to consider the purport of every epistle regarded,
+so to speak, from a _post-mortem_ point of view. If a public man
+expresses a confidential opinion in the fulness of his heart to
+an intimate friend, or proposes an act of charity to a cherished
+relative, he may rest assured that, sooner or later, both
+communications will be published to an unsympathetic and
+autograph-hunting world. Under these circumstances it may be well
+to answer the simplest communications in the most guarded manner
+possible. For instance, a reply to a tender of hospitality might run
+as follows:--
+
+    _Private and Confidential. Not negotiable._
+
+Mr. DASH BLANK has much pleasure in accepting Mr. BLANK DASH's
+invitation to dinner on the 8th inst.
+
+_N.B.--This letter is the property of the Writer. Not for publication.
+All rights reserved._
+
+Or, if the writer feels that his letter, if it gets into the hands
+of the executors, will be sold, he must adopt another plan. It will
+be then his object to so mix up abuse of the possible vendors with
+ordinary matter, that they (the possible vendors) may shrink, after
+the death of the recipient, from making their own condemnation
+public. The following may serve as a model for a communication of this
+character. The words printed in italics in the body of the letter
+are the antidotal abuse introduced to prevent a posthumous sale by
+possible executors.
+
+_Private and Confidential. Not to be published. Signature a forgery._
+
+    DEAR OLD MAN,--I nearly completed my book. _Your nephew,
+    TOM LESLEIGH, is an ass._ My wife is slowly recovering from
+    influenza. _Your Aunt, JANE JENKINS, wears a wig._ TOMMY,
+    you will be glad to learn, has come out first of twenty in
+    his new class at school. _Your Uncle, BENJAMIN GRAHAM, is a
+    twaddling old bore._ I am thinking of spending the Midsummer
+    holidays with the boys and their mother at Broadstairs. _Your
+    Cousin, JACK JUGGERLY, is a sweep that doesn't belong to a
+    single respectable Club._ Trusting that you will burn this
+    letter, to prevent its sale after we are gone,
+
+    I remain, yours affectionately,
+
+    BOBBY.
+
+_N.B.--The foregoing letter is the property of the Author, and, as
+it is only intended for private circulation, must not be printed.
+Solicitors address,--Ely Place_.
+
+But perhaps the best plan will be, not to write at all. The telegraph,
+at the end of the century, costs but a halfpenny a word, and we seem
+to be within measurable distance of the universal adoption of the
+telephone. Under these circumstances, it is easy to take heed of the
+warning contained in that classical puzzle of our childhood, _Litera
+scripta manet_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION OF TASTE.
+
+_Mr. Punch_. Well, Madam, what can I do for you?
+
+_Female_ (_of Uncertain Age, gushingly_). A very great favour, my dear
+Sir; it is a matter of sanitation.
+
+_Mr. P._ (_coldly_). I am at your service, Madam, but I would remind
+you that I have no time to listen to frivolous complaints.
+
+_Fem._ I would ask you--do you think that a building open to the
+public should be crowded with double as many persons as it can
+conveniently hold?
+
+_Mr. P._ Depends upon circumstances, Madam. It might possibly
+be excusable in a Church, assuming that the means of egress were
+sufficient. Of what building do you wish to complain?
+
+_Fem._ Of the Old Bailey--you know, the Central Criminal Court.
+
+_Mr. P._ Have you to object to the accommodation afforded you in the
+Dock?
+
+_Fem._ _I_ was not in the Dock!
+
+_Mr. P._ (_dryly_). That is the only place (when not in the
+Witness-Box) suitable for women at the Old Bailey. I cannot imagine
+that they would go to that unhappy spot of their own free will.
+
+_Fem._ (_astonished_). Not to see a Murder trial? Then you are
+evidently unaccustomed to ladies' society.
+
+_Mr. P._ (_severely_). I do not meet _ladies_ at the Old Bailey.
+
+_Fem._ (_bridling up_). Indeed! But that is nothing to do with the
+matter of the overcrowding. Fancy, with our boasted civilisation--I
+was _half_ stifled!
+
+_Mr. P._ It is a pity, with our boasted civilisation, that you were
+not stifled--_quite!_ (_Severely._) You can go!
+
+    [_The Female retires, with an expression worthy of her proper
+    place--the Chamber of Horrors!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN DIFFICULTIES!
+
+Distressed Hibernia. "If your tandem leader turns vicious, and kicks
+over the traces,--where are you?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TAKING IT COOLLY.
+
+_Old Gent_ (_out for a quiet ride with the Devon and Somerset_).
+"CONFOUND THESE HARD-RIDING YOUNG RASCALS, THEY'LL BE SMASHING MY HAT
+ONE OF THESE DAYS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NONOGENARIAN NONSENSE.
+
+(_COMPILED A LA MODE._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I have so often been urged by my friends to write my autobiography,
+that at length I have taken up my pen to comply with their wishes. My
+memory, although I may occasionally become slightly mixed, is still
+excellent, and having been born in the first year of the present
+century I consequently can remember both the Plague and Fire of
+London. The latter is memorable to me as having been the cause of my
+introduction to Sir CHRISTOPHER WREN, an architect of some note, and
+an intimate friend of Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS, and the late Mr. TURNER,
+R.A. Sir CHRISTOPHER had but one failing--he was never sober. To the
+day of his death he was under the impression that St. Paul's was St.
+Peter's!
+
+One of my earliest recollections is the great physician HARVEY, who,
+indeed, knew me from my birth. Although an exceedingly able man,
+he was a confirmed glutton. He would at the most ceremonious of
+dinner-parties push his way through the guests (treating ladies and
+gentlemen with the like discourtesy) and plumping himself down in
+front of the turtle soup, would help himself to the entire contents of
+the tureen, plus the green fat! During the last years of his life he
+abandoned medicine to give his attention to cookery, and (so I have
+been told) ultimately invented a fish sauce!
+
+I knew HOWARD, the so-called philanthropist, very well. He was
+particularly fond of dress, although extremely economical in his
+washing bill. It was his delight to visit the various prisons and
+obtain a hideous pleasure in watching the tortures of the poor
+wretches therein incarcerated. He was fined and imprisoned for
+ill-treating a cat, if my memory does not play me false. I have been
+told that he once stole a pockethandkerchief, but at this distance of
+time cannot remember where I heard the story.
+
+It is one of my proudest recollections that, in early youth, I had
+the honour of being presented to her late most gracious Majesty, Queen
+ANNE, of glorious memory. The drawing-room was held at Buckingham
+Palace, which in those days was situated on the site now occupied
+by Marlborough House. I accompanied my mother, who wore, I remember,
+yellow brocade, and a wreath of red roses, without feathers. Round
+the throne were grouped--the Duke of MARLBOROUGH (who kept in the
+background because he had just been defeated at Fontenoy), Lord
+PALMERSTON, nick-named "Cupid" by Mistress NELL GWYNNE (a well-known
+Court beauty), Mr. GARRICK, and Signor GRIMALDI, two Actors of repute,
+and Cardinal WISEMAN, the Papal Nuncio. Her Majesty was most gracious
+to me, and introduced me to one of her predecessors, Queen ELIZABETH,
+a reputed daughter of King HENRY THE EIGHTH. Both Ladies laughed
+heartily at my curls, which in those days were more plentiful than
+they are now. I was rather alarmed at their lurching forward as I
+passed them, but was reassured when the Earl of ROCHESTER (the Lord
+Chamberlain) whispered in my ear that the Royal relatives had been
+lunching. As I left the presence, I noticed that both their Majesties
+were fast asleep.
+
+I have just mentioned Lord ROCHESTER, whose acquaintance I had the
+honour to possess. He was extremely austere, and very much disliked by
+the fair sex. On one occasion it was my privilege to clean his shoes.
+He had but one failing--he habitually cheated at cards. I will now
+tell a few stories of the like character about Bishop WILBERFORCE,
+THACKERAY, Mrs. FRY, PEABODY, WALTER SCOTT, and Father MATTHEW.
+
+    [No you don't, my venerable twaddler!--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LARGE CIGAR.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  You lie on the oaken mantle-shelf,
+    A cigar of high degree,
+  An old cigar, a large cigar,
+    A cigar that was given to me.
+  The house-flies bite you day by day--
+    Bite you, and kick, and sigh--
+  And I do not know what the insects say,
+    But they creep away and die.
+
+  My friends they take you gently up,
+    And lay you gently down;
+  They never saw a weed so big,
+    Or quite so deadly brown.
+  They, as a rule, smoke anything
+    They pick up free of charge;
+  But they leave you to rest while the bulbuls sing
+    Through the night, my own, my large!
+
+  The dust lies thick on your bloated form,
+    And the year draws to its close,
+  And the baccy-jar's been emptied--by
+    My laundress, I suppose.
+  Smokeless and hopeless, with reeling brain,
+    I turn to the oaken shelf,
+  And take you down, while my hot tears rain,
+    And smoke you, you brute, myself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PARNELL'S PARLIAMENTARY PUPPETS. THE STRINGS IN A
+TANGLE!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M.C.C. GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY.
+
+"Sir EDWARD WATKIN proposes to construct a Railway passing through
+Lord's Cricket Ground."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, December 1._--Tithes Bill down for Second
+Reading. GRAND YOUNG GARDNER places Amendment on the paper, which
+secures for him opportunity of making a speech. Having availed
+himself of this, did not move his Amendment; opening thus made for
+STUART-RENDEL, who had another Amendment on the paper. Would he move
+it? Only excitement of Debate settled round this point. Under good
+old Tory Government new things in Parliamentary procedure constantly
+achieved. Supposing half-a-dozen Members got together, drew up a
+number of Amendments, then ballot for precedence, they might arrange
+Debate without interposition of SPEAKER. First man gets off his
+speech, omits to move Amendment: second would come on, and so on, on
+to the end of list. But STUART-RENDEL moved Amendment, and on this
+Debate turned.
+
+[Illustration: Osborne Ap Morgan.]
+
+Not very lively affair, regarded as reflex of passionate protestation
+of angry little Wales. OSBORNE AP MORGAN made capital speech, but few
+remained to listen. Welshmen at outset meant to carry Debate over to
+next day; couldn't be done; and by half-past eleven, STUART-RENDEL's
+Amendment negatived by rattling majority.
+
+Fact is, gallant little Wales was swamped by irruptive Ireland.
+To-day, first meeting of actual Home Rule Parliament held, and
+everybody watching its course. This historic meeting gathered in
+Committee-room No. 15; question purely one of Home Rule; decided,
+after some deliberation, that, in order to have proceedings in due
+dramatic form, there should be incorporated with the meeting an
+eviction scene. After prolonged Debate, concluded that, to do the
+thing thoroughly, they should select PARNELL as subject of eviction.
+
+"No use," TIM HEALY said, "in half-doing the thing. The eyes of the
+Universe are fixed upon us. Let us give them a show for their money."
+
+PARNELL, at first, demurred; took exception on the ground that, as
+he had no fixed place of residence, he was not convenient subject
+for eviction; objection over-ruled; then PARNELL insisted that, if
+he yielded on this point, he must preside over proceedings. TIM and
+the rest urged that it was not usual, when a man's conduct is under
+consideration upon a grave charge, that he should take the Chair.
+Drawing upon the resources of personal observation, Dr. TANNER
+remarked that he did not remember any case in which the holder of
+a tenure, suffering process of eviction, bossed the concern, acting
+simultaneously, as it were, as the subject of the eviction process,
+and the resident Magistrate.
+
+Whilst conversation going on, PARNELL had unobserved taken the Chair,
+and now ruled Dr. TANNER out of order.
+
+House sat at Twelve o'Clock; at One the Speaker (Mr. PARNELL),
+interrupting SEXTON in passage of passionate eloquence, said he
+thought this would be convenient opportunity for going out to his
+chop. So he went off; Debate interrupted for an hour; resumed at One,
+and continued, with brief intervals for refreshment, up till close
+upon midnight. Proceedings conducted with closed doors, but along the
+corridor, from time to time, rolled echoes which seemed to indicate
+that the first meeting of the Home-Rule Parliament was not lacking
+inanimation.
+
+"I think they _are_ a little 'eated, Sir," said the policeman on duty
+outside. "Man and boy I've been in charge of this beat for twenty
+years; usually a quiet spot; this sudden row rather trying for one
+getting up in years. Do you think, Sir, that, seeing it's an eviction,
+the Police can under the Act claim Compensation for Disturbance?"
+
+Promised to put question on subject to JOKIM.
+
+Long dispute on point of order raised by NOLAN. TIM HEALY referring
+to difficulty of dislodging PARNELL, alluded to him as "Sitting Bull."
+Clamour from Parnellite section anxious for preservation of decency
+of debate. Speaker said, question most important. Irish Parliament
+in its infancy; above all things essential they should well consider
+precedents. Must reserve decision as to whether the phrase was
+Parliamentary; would suggest, therefore, that House should adjourn
+five weeks. On this point Debate proceeded up to midnight.
+
+_Business done_.--In British Parliament Tithes Bill read a Second
+Time; in Irish (which sat four hours longer), None.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Cork Parliament still sitting upstairs in Committee Room
+No. 15, debating question of adjournment. We hear them occasionally
+through open doors and down long corridor. Once a tremendous yell
+shook building.
+
+[Illustration: Caleb Balder(Glad)stone finding all that was left of
+the lost Leader, P-rn-ll.]
+
+"What's that?" I asked DICK POWER, who happened to be taking glass of
+sherry-wine at Bar in Lobby.
+
+"That," said RICHARD, "is the Irish wolves crying for the blood of
+PARNELL," and DICK, tossing down his sherry-wine, as if he had a
+personal quarrel with it, hurried back to the shambles.
+
+Quite a changed man! No longer the _debonnaire_ DICK, whose light
+heart and high spirits made him a favourite everywhere. Politics have
+suddenly become a serious thing, and DICK POWER is saddened with them.
+
+"I take bitters with my sherry-wine now," DICK mentioned just now in
+sort of apologetic way at having been discovered, as it were, feasting
+in the house of mourning. "At the present sad juncture, to drink
+sherry-wine with all its untamed richness might, I feel, smack of
+callousness. Therefore I tell the man to dash it with bitters, which,
+whilst it has a penitential sound, adds a not untoothsome flavour in
+anticipation of dinner."
+
+Even with this small comfort ten years added to his age; grey hairs
+gleam among his hyacinthine locks; his back is bent; his shoes are
+clogged with lead. A sad sight; makes one wish the pitiful business
+was over, and RICHARD himself again.
+
+All the best of the Irish Members, whether Cavaliers or Cromwellians,
+are depressed in same way. Came upon SWIFT MacNEILL in retired
+recess in Library this afternoon; standing up with right hand in
+trouser-pocket, and left hand extended (his favourite oratorical
+attitude in happier times) smiling in really violent fashion.
+
+"What are you playing at?" I asked him, noticing with curiosity that
+whilst his mouth was, so to speak, wreathed in smiles, a tear dewed
+the fringe of his closed eyelids.
+
+"Ah, TOBY, is that you?" he said, "I didn't see you coming. The fact
+is I came over here by myself to have me last smile."
+
+"Well, you're making the most of it," I said, wishing to encourage
+him.
+
+[Illustration: The Last Smile.]
+
+"I generally do, and as this is me last, I'm not stinting measurement.
+They're sad times we've fallen on. Just when it seemed victory was
+within our grasp it is snatched away, and we are, as one may say,
+flung on the dunghill amid the wreck of our country's hopes and
+aspirations. This is not a time to make merry. Me country's ruined,
+and SWIFT MacNEILL smiles no more."
+
+With that he shut up his jaws with a snap, and strode off. I'm sorry
+he should take the matter to heart so seriously. We shall miss that
+smile.
+
+_Business done_.--Irish Land Bill in British Parliament. Cork
+Parliament still sitting.
+
+_Thursday_.--Cork Parliament still sitting; PARNELL predominant;
+issues getting a little mixed; understood that Session summoned to
+decide whether, in view of certain proceedings before Mr. Justice
+BUTT, PARNELL should be permitted to retain Leadership. Everything
+been discussed but that. Things got so muddled up, that O'KEEFE,
+walking about, bowed with anxious thought, not quite certain whether
+it is TIM HEALY, SEXTON, or JUSTIN McCARTHY, who was involved in
+recent Divorce suit. Certainly, it couldn't have been PARNELL, who
+to-day suggests that the opportunity is fitting for putting Mr. G.
+in a tight place.
+
+[Illustration: Weighed down with Thought.]
+
+"You go to him," says PARNELL, "and demand certain pledges on Home
+Rule scheme. If he does not consent, he will be in a hole; threatened
+with loss of Irish Vote. You will be in a dilemma, as you cannot then
+side with him against me, the real friend of Ireland; whilst I shall
+be confirmed in my position as the only possible Leader of the Party.
+If, on the contrary, this unrivalled sophist is drawn into anything
+like a declaration that will satisfy you in the face of the Irish
+People, he will be hopelessly embarrassed with his English friends;
+I shall have paid off an old score, and can afford to retire from the
+Leadership, certain that in a few months the Irish People will clamour
+for the return of the man who showed that, if only he could serve
+them, he was ready to sacrifice his personal position and advantages.
+Don't, Gentlemen, let us, at a crisis like this, descend to topics of
+mere personality. In spite of what has passed at this table, I should
+like to shield my honourable friends, Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, Mr. SEXTON,
+and that _beau ideal_ of an Irish Member, Mr. JUSTIN McCARTHY,
+from references, of a kind peculiarly painful to them, to certain
+proceedings in a court of law with respect to which I will, before I
+sit down, say this, that, if all the facts were known, they would be
+held absolutely free from imputation of irregularity."
+
+General cheering greeted this speech. Members shook hands all round,
+and nominated Committee to go off and make things hot for Mr. G.
+_Business done_.--In British House Prince ARTHUR expounded Scheme for
+Relief of Irish Distress.
+
+_Friday_.--A dark shadow falls on House to-day. Mrs. PEEL died this
+morning, and our SPEAKER sits by a lonely hearth, OLD MORALITY, in his
+very best style, speaking with the simple language of a kind heart,
+voices the prevalent feeling. Mr. G., always at his best on these
+occasions, adds some words, though, as he finely says, any expression
+of sympathy is but inadequate medicine for so severe a hurt. Members
+reverently uncover whilst these brief speeches are made. That is a
+movement shown only when a Royal Message is read; and here is mention
+of a Message from the greatest and final King. Mrs. PEEL, though the
+wife of the First Commoner in the land, was not _une grande dame_. She
+was a kindly, homely lady, of unaffected manner, with keen sympathies
+for all that was bright and good. Every Member feels that something is
+lost to the House of Commons now that she lies still in her chamber at
+Speaker's Court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DRAMA ON CRUTCHES.--A Mr. GREIN has suggested, according to some
+Friday notes in the _D.T._, a scheme for subsidising a theatre and
+founding a Dramatic School. The latter, apparently, is not to aid the
+healthy but the decrepit drama, as it is intended "to afford succour
+to old or disabled actors and actresses." Why then call it a "Dramatic
+School?" Better style it, a "Dramatic-Second-Infancy-School."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEATH IN THE FIELD.--If things go on as they have been going lately,
+the statisticians who compile the "Public Health" averages will have
+to include, as one important item in their "Death Rates," the ravages
+of that annual epidemic popularly known as--Football!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"JUSTICE FOR IRELAND!"--The contest on the Chairmanship of the Irish
+Parliamentary Party may be summed up:--PARNELL--Just out, McCARTHY
+Just in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case
+be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+99., December 13, 1890, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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