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diff --git a/old/12905-8.txt b/old/12905-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d99df16 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12905-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1616 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., +December 13, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., December 13, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 14, 2004 [EBook #12905] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +December 13, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. IX.--THE CURSE OF COGNAC. + + (_By_ WATER DECANT, _Author of "Chaplin off his Feet," "All + Sorts of Editions for Men," "The Nuns in Dilemma," "The + Cream he Tried," "Blue-the-Money Naughty-boy," "The Silver + Gutter-Snipe," "All for a Farden Fare," "The Roley Hose," + "Caramel of Stickinesse," &c., &c., &c._) + + [Of this story the Author writes to us as follows:--"I can + honestly recommend it, as calculated to lower the exaggerated + cheerfulness which is apt to prevail at Christmas time. I + consider it, therefore, to be eminently suited for a Christmas + Annual. Families are advised to read it in detachments of four + or five at a time. Married men who owe their wives' mothers + a grudge should lock them into a bare room, with a guttering + candle and this story. Death will be certain and not painless. + I've got one or two rods in pickle for the publishers. You + wait and see.--W.D."] + +CHAPTER I. + +[Illustration] + +GEORGE GINSLING was alone in his College-rooms at Cambridge. His +friends had just left him. They were quite the tip-top set in Christ's +College, and the ashes of the cigarettes they had been smoking lay +about the rich Axminster carpet. They had been talking about many +things, as is the wont of young men, and one of them had particularly +bothered GEORGE by asking him why he had refused a seat in the +University Trial Eights after rowing No. 5 in his College boat. GEORGE +had no answer ready, and had replied angrily. Now, he thought of +many answers. This made him nervous. He paced quickly up and down the +deserted room, sipping his seventh tumbler of brandy, as he walked. It +was his invariable custom to drink seven tumblers of neat brandy every +night to steady himself, and his College career had, in consequence, +been quite unexceptionable up to the present moment. He used playfully +to remind his Dean of PORSON's drunken epigram, and the good man +always accepted this as an excuse for any false quantities in GEORGE's +Greek Iambics. But to-night, as I have said, GEORGE was nervous with a +strange nervousness, and he, therefore, went to bed, having previously +blown out his candle and placed his Waterbury watch under his pillow, +on the top of which sat a Devil wearing a thick jersey worked with +large green spots on a yellow ground. + +CHAPTER II. + +Now this Devil was a Water-Devil of the most pronounced type. His +head-quarters were on the Thames at Barking, where there is a sewage +outfall, and he had lately established a branch-office on the Cam, +where he did a considerable business. + +Occasionally, he would run down to Cambridge himself, to consult +with his manager, and on these occasions he would indulge his +playful humour by going out at night and sitting on the pillows of +Undergraduates. + +This was one of his nights out, and he had chosen GEORGE GINSLING's +pillow as his seat. + + * * * * * + +GEORGE woke up with a start. What was this feeling in his throat? +Had he swallowed his blanket, or his cocoa-nut matting? No, they +were still in their respective places. He tore out his tongue and his +tonsils, and examined them. They were on fire. This puzzled him. He +replaced them. As he did so, a shower of red-hot coppers fell from his +mouth on to his feet. The agony was awful. He howled, and danced about +the room. Then he dashed at the whiskey, but the bottle ducked as he +approached, and he failed to tackle it. Poor GEORGE, you see, was a +rowing-man, not a football-player. Then he knew what he wanted. In +his keeping-room were six _carafes_, full of Cambridge water, and a +dozen bottles of Hunyádi Janos. He rushed in, and hurled himself upon +the bottles with all his weight. The crash was dreadful. The foreign +bottles, being poor, frail things, broke at once. He lapped up the +liquid like a thirsty dog. The _carafes_ survived. He crammed them +with their awful contents, one after another, down his throat. Then he +returned to his bed-room, seized his jug, and emptied it at one gulp. +His bath was full. He lifted it in one hand, and drained it as dry +as a University sermon. The thirst compelled him--drove him--made +him--urged him--lashed him--forced him--shoved him--goaded him--to +drink, drink, drink water, water, water! At last he was appeased. He +had cried bitterly, and drunk up all his tears. He fell back on his +bed, and slept for twenty-four hours, and the Devil went out and gave +his gyp, STARLING, a complete set of instructions for use in case of +flood. + +CHAPTER III. + +STARLING was a pale, greasy man. He was a devil of a gyp. He went into +GEORGE's bed-room and shook his master by the shoulder. GEORGE woke +up. + +"Bring me the College pump," he said. "I must have it. No, stay," he +continued, as STARLING prepared to execute his orders, "a hair of the +dog--bring it, quick, quick!" + +STARLING gave him three. He always carried them about with him in case +of accidents. GEORGE devoured them eagerly, recklessly. Then with a +deep sigh of relief, he went stark staring mad, and bit STARLING in +the fleshy part of the thigh, after which he fell fast asleep again. +On awaking, he took his name off the College books, gave STARLING a +cheque for £5000, broke off his engagement, but forgot to post the +letter, and consulted a Doctor. + +"What you want," said the Doctor, "is to be shut up for a year in the +tap-room of a public-house. No water, only spirits. That must cure +you." + +So GEORGE ordered STARLING to hire a public-house in a populous +district. When this was done, he went and lived there. But you +scarcely need to be told that STARLING had not carried out his orders. +How could he be expected to do that? Only fifty-six pages of my book +had been written, and even publishers--the most abandoned people on +the face of the earth--know that that amount won't make a Christmas +Annual. So STARLING hired a Temperance Hotel. As I have said, he was +a devil of a gyp. + +CHAPTER IV. + +The fact was this. One of GEORGE's great-great uncles had held a +commission in the Blue Ribbon Army. GEORGE remembered this too late. +The offer of a seat in the University Trial Eights must have suggested +the blue ribbon which the University Crew wear on their straw hats. +Thus the diabolical forces of heredity were roused to fever-heat, and +the great-great uncle, with his blue ribbon, whose photograph hung in +GEORGE's home over the parlour mantelpiece, became a living force in +GEORGE's brain. + +GEORGE GINSLING went and lived in a suburban neighbourhood. It was +useless. He married a sweet girl with various spiteful relations. In +vain. He changed his name to PUMPDRY, and conducted a local newspaper. +Profitless striving. STARLING was always at hand, always ready +with the patent filter, and as punctual in his appearances as the +washing-bill or the East wind. I repeat, he was a devil of a gyp. + +CHAPTER V. + +They found GEORGE GINSLING feet uppermost in six inches of water in +the Daffodil Road reservoir. It was a large reservoir, and had been +quite full before GEORGE began upon it. This was his record drink, and +it killed him. His last words were, "If I had stuck to whiskey, this +would never have happened." + +THE END. + + * * * * * + +"IT IS THE BOGIE MAN!"--BLACKIE'S _Modern Cyclopedia_. Nothing to do +with the Christy Minstrel Entertainment, but a very useful work of +reference, issued from the ancient house of publishers which is now +quite BLACKIE with age. We have looked through the "B's" for "Bogie," +but "The Bogie Man" is "Not there, not there, my child!" but he is +to be found in that other BLACKIE's collection at the St. James's +Hall, which Bogie Man is said to be the original of that ilk. +_Unde derivatur_ "Bogie"? Perhaps the next edition of BLACKIE's +_still-more-Modern-than-ever Cyclopedia will explain_. + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES (_by Old Par_).--At the Fine Art Society's Gallery +I gazed upon the pictures of "Many-sided Nature" with great content, +and came to the conclusion that Mr. ALBERT GOODWIN was a many-sided +artist. "Now," said I, quoting SHAKSPEARE--_Old Par's Improved +Edition_--"is the GOODWIN of our great content made glorious." O.P., +who knows every inch of Abingdon, who has gazed upon Hastings from +High Wickham, who is intimate with every brick in Dorchester, who +loves every reed and ripple on the Thames, and has a considerable +knowledge of the Rigi and Venice, can bear witness to the truth of the +painter. There are over seventy pictures--every one worth looking at. + + * * * * * + +"BUSINESS!" + +[Illustration: _Sweater_ (_to Mr. Punch_). "NO USE YOUR INTERFERING. +BUSINESS IS BUSINESS!" + +_Mr. P._ "YES, AND UNCOMMONLY BAD BUSINESS, TOO, FOR _THEM_. COULDN'T +THE LARGE FIRMS TAKE A TRIFLE LESS PROFIT, AND PUT A LITTLE PLEASURE +INTO THE BUSINESS OF THESE POOR STARVING WORKERS?"] + + ["Business!" cries the Sweater, when remonstrated with + for paying the poor Match-box makers twopence-farthing or + twopence-half-penny a gross, whilst his own profits reach + 22-1/2 to 25 per cent.--_Daily News_.] + +_PUNCH TO THE SWEATING SHYLOCK._ + + Eh? "Business is business"? Sheer cant, Sir! Pure gammon? + Of all the inhuman, sham Maxims of Mammon, + This one is the worst, + For under its cover lurks cruelty callous, + With murderous meanness that merits the gallows, + And avarice accurst. + + Oh, well, I'm aware, Sir, how ruthless rapacity + Loves to take shelter, with cunning mendacity + 'Neath an old saw; + But well says the scribe that such "business" is crime, Sir, + And such would be but for gaps half the time, Sir, + 'Twixt justice and law. + + Bah! Many a man who's sheer rogue in reality, + Hides the harsh knave in the mask of "legality." + When 'tis too gross, + Robbery's rash, but austere orthodoxies + Countenance such things as modern match-boxes + Nine-farthings a gross! + + From seven till ten, and sometimes to eleven, + For "six bob" a week. Ah! such life _must_ be heaven; + Whilst as for your "profit," + That's bound to approach five-and-twenty per cent., + That Sweaters shall thrive, let their tools be content + With starvation in Tophet. + + To starve's bad enough, but to starve and to work + (Mrs. LABOUCHERE hints), the most patient may irk; + And the lady is right-- + Business? On brutes who dare mouth such base trash, + _Mr. Punch_, who loves justice and sense, lays his lash, + With the greatest delight. + + He knows the excuses advanced for the Sweater, + But bad is the best, and, until you find better, + 'Tis useless to cant + Of freedom of contract, supply and demand, + And all the cold sophistries ever on hand + Sound sense to supplant. + + A phrase takes the place of an argument often. + And stomachs go empty, and brains slowly soften, + And sense sick with dizziness, + All in the name of the bosh men embody + In one clap-trap phrase that dupes many a noddy, + That--business is business! + + Business? Yes, precious bad business for them, Sir, + Whose joyless enslavement _you_ take with such phlegm, Sir, + Suppose, to enhance + Their small share of ease, such as you, were content, Sir, + To lower a trifle your precious "per cent.," Sir, + And give _them_ a chance! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOFT SAWDER. + +"BUT I DON'T CALL THIS A FASHIONABLE 'AT!" + +"IT WILL SOON _BECOME_ SO, MADAM, IF _YOU_ WEAR IT!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: A Christmas Masque.] + +In _Camp and Studio_, Mr. IRVING MONTAGU, some time on the artistic +staff of _The Illustrated London News_, gives his experiences of the +Russo-Turkish Campaign. He concisely sums up the qualifications of a +War Correspondent by saying that he should "have an iron constitution, +a laconic, incisive style, and sufficient tact to establish a safe +and rapid connecting link between the forefront of battle and his own +head-quarters in Fleet Street or elsewhere." As Mr. IRVING MONTAGU +seems to have lived up to his ideal, it is a little astonishing to +find the last chapters of his book devoted to _Back in Bohemia_, +wherein he discourses of going to the Derby, a Hammersmith +_Desdemona_, and of the _Postlethwaites_ and _Maudles_, "whose +peculiarities have been recorded by the facile pen of DU MAURIER." But +as the author seems pleased with the reader, it would be indeed sad +were the reader to find fault with the author. However, this may be +said in his favour--he tells (at least) one good story. On his return +from Plevna to Bohemia, a dinner was given in his honour at the +Holborn Restaurant. Every detail was perfect--the only omission was +forgetfulness on the part of the Committee to invite _the guest of +the evening_! At the last moment the mistake was discovered, and a +telegram was hurriedly despatched to Mr. MONTAGU, telling him that he +was "wanted." On his arrival he was refused admittance to the dinner +by the waiters, because he was not furnished with a ticket! Ultimately +he was ushered into the Banqueting Hall, when everything necessarily +ended happily. + +One might imagine that Birthday Books have had their day, but +apparently they still flourish, for HAZELL, WATSON, & VINEY publish +yet another, under the title of _Names we Love, and Places we Know_. +The first does not apply to our friends, but to the quotations +selected, and places are shown by photos. + +Of many _Beneficent and Useful Lives_, you will hear "in +CHAMBERS,"--the reader sitting as judge on the various cases brought +before him by Mr. ROBERT COCHRANE. + +_Unlucky_ will not be the little girl who reads the book with this +name, by CAROLINE AUSTIN. + +_Everybody's Business_, by ISMAY THORN, nobody likes interference, but +in this case it proved the friend in need. + +_Chivalry_, by LÉON GAUTIER, translated by HENRY FRITH, is a chronicle +of knighthood, its rules, and its deeds. To the scientific student, +_Discoveries and Inventions of the Nineteenth Century_, by ROBERT +ROUTLEDGE, B.S., F.C.S., will be interesting, and help him to discover +a lot he does not know. Those who have not already read it, _A Wonder +Book for Girls and Boys_, by NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, will have a real +treat in the myths related; _Tanglewood Tales_ are included, and these +are delightful for all. _Rosebud_, by Mrs. ADAMS ACTON, a tale for +girls, who will love this bright little flower, bringing happiness all +around. + +_Holly Leaves_, the Special Number of _The Sporting and Dramatic_, is +quite a seasonable decoration for the drawing-room table during the +Christmas holidays. + +My faithful "Co." has been reading _Jack's Secret_, by Mrs. +LOVETT CAMERON, which, he says, has greatly pleased him. It has +an interesting story, and is full of clever sketches of character. +_Jack_, himself, is rather a weak personage, and scarcely deserves the +good fortune which ultimately falls to his lot. After flirting with a +born coquette, who treats him with a cruelty which is not altogether +unmerited, he settles down with a thoroughly lovable little wife, and +a seat in the House of Lords. From this it will be gathered that all +ends happily. _Jack's Secret_ will be let out by MUDIE's, and will be +kept, for a considerable time--by the subscribers. + +Girls will be the richer this year by _Fifty-two more Stories for +Girls_, and boys will be delighted with _Fifty-two more Stories for +Boys_, by many of the best authors: both these books are edited by +ALFRED MILES, and published by HUTCHISON & Co. _Lion Jack_, by P.T. +BARNUM, is an account of JACK's perilous adventures in capturing wild +animals. If they weren't, of course, all true, _Lyin' Jack_ would have +been a better title. + +_Syd Belton_, unlike most story-book boys, would not go to sea, but he +was made to _go_, by the author, Mr. MANVILLE FENN. Once launched, he +proved himself a British salt of the first water. _Dumps and I_, by +Mrs. PARR, is a _par_ticularly pretty book for girls, and quite on a +par with, her other works. METHUEN & CO. publish these. + +_Pictures and Stories from English History_, and _Royal Portrait +Gallery_, are two Royal Prize Books for the historical-minded child; +they are published by T. NELSON AND SONS, as likewise "_Fritz_" _of +Prussia, Germany's Second Emperor_, by LUCY TAYLOR. _Dictionary of +Idiomatic English Phrases_, by JAMES MAIN DIXON, M.A., F.R.S.E., which +may prove a useful guide to benighted foreigners in assisting them to +solve the usual British vagaries of speech; like the commencement of +the Dictionary, it is quite an "A1" book. + +"Dear Diary!" as one of Mr. F.C. PHILLIPS's heroines used to +address her little book, but DE LA RUE's are not "dear Diaries," nor +particularly cheap ones. This publisher is quite the Artful Dodger in +devising diaries in all shapes and sizes, from the big pocket-book to +the more insidious waistcoat-pocket booklet,--"small by degrees, but +beautifully less." + +"Here's to you, TOM SMITH!"--it's BROWN in the song, but no +matter,--"Here's to you," sings the Baron, "with all my heart!" Your +comic gutta-percha-faced Crackers are a novelty; in fact, you've +solved a difficulty by introducing into our old Christmas Crackers +several new features. + +This year the Baron gives the prize for pictorial amusement to LOTHAR +MEGGENDORFER (Gods! what a name!), who, assisted by his publishers, +GREVEL & CO., has produced an irresistibly funny book of movable +figures, entitled _Comic Actors_. What these coloured actors do is so +moving, that the spectators will be in fits of chuckling. Recommended, +says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS." + +ARGUMENT.--EDWIN has taken ANGELINA, his _fiancée_, to an +entertainment by a Mesmerist, and, wishing to set his doubts at +rest, has gone upon the platform, and placed himself entirely at the +Mesmerist's disposition. On rejoining ANGELINA, she has insisted upon +being taken home immediately, and has cried all the way back in the +hansom--much to EDWIN's perplexity. They are alone together, in a +Morning-room; ANGELINA is still sobbing in an arm-chair, and EDWIN is +rubbing his ear as he stands on the hearthrug. + +_Edwin_. I say, ANGELINA, don't go on like this, or we shall have +somebody coming in! I wouldn't have gone up if I'd known it would +upset you like this; but I only wanted to make quite sure that the +whole thing was humbug, and--(_complacently_)--I rather think I +settled that. + +_Ang._ (_in choked accents_). You settled that?--but _how?_... Oh, go +away--I can't bear to think of it all! [_Fresh outburst._ + +_Ed._ You're a little nervous, darling, that's all--and you see, I'm +all right. I felt a little drowsy once, but I knew perfectly well what +I was about all the time. + +_Ang._ (_with a bound_). You knew?--then you _were_ pretending--and +you call that a good joke! _Oh!_ + +_Ed._ Hardly pretending. I just sat still, with my eyes shut, and the +fellow stroked my face a bit. I waited to see if anything would come +of it--and nothing did, that's all. At least, I'm not aware that I did +anything peculiar. In fact, I'm _certain_ I didn't. (_Uneasily._) Eh, +ANGELINA? + +_Ang._ (_indistinctly, owing to her face being buried in cushions_). +If you d-d-d-on't really know, you'd bub-bub-better-not ask--but I +believe you do--quite well! + +_Ed._ Look here, ANGIE, if I behaved at all out of the common, it's +just as well that I should know it. I don't recollect it, that's all. +Do pull yourself together, and tell me all about it. + +_Ang._ (_sitting up_). Very well--if you will have it, you must. But +you can't really have forgotten how you stood before the footlights, +making the most horrible faces, as if you were in front of a +looking-glass. All those other creatures were doing it, too; but, oh, +EDWIN, yours were far the ugliest--they haunt me still.... I mustn't +think of them--I won't! [_Buries her face again._ + +_Ed._ (_reddening painfully_). No, I say--_did_ I? not really--without +humbug, ANGELINA! + +_Ang._ _You_ know best if it was without humbug! And, after that, he +gave you a glass of cuc-cod-liver oil, and--and pup-pup-paraffin, +and you dud-drank it up, and asked for more, and said it was the +bub-bub-best Scotch whiskey you ever tasted. You oughtn't even to +_know_ about Scotch whiskey! + +_Ed._ I can't know much if I did _that_. Odd I shouldn't remember it, +though. Was that all? + +_Ang._ Oh, no. After that you sang--a dreadful song--and pretended to +accompany yourself on a broom. EDWIN, you know you did; you can't deny +it! + +_Ed._ I--I didn't know I _could_ sing; and--did you say on a broom? +It's bad enough for me already, ANGELINA, without _howling_! Well, I +sang--and what then? + +_Ang._ Then he put out a cane with a silver top close to your face, +and you squinted at it, and followed it about everywhere with your +nose; you _must_ have known how utterly idiotic you looked! + +_Ed._ (_dropping into a chair_). Not at the time.... Well, go on, +ANGELINA; let's have it all. What next? + +_Ang._ Next? Oh, next he told you you were the Champion Acrobat of +the World, and you began to strike foolish attitudes, and turn great +clumsy somersaults all over the stage, and you always came down on the +flat of your back! + +_Ed._ I _thought_ I felt a trifle stiff. Somersaults, eh? Anything +else? (_With forced calm._) + +_Ang._ I did think I should have _died_ of shame when you danced? + +_Ed._ Oh, I _danced_, did I? Hum--er--was I _alone_? + +_Ang._ There were four other wretches dancing too, and you imitated +a ballet. You were dressed up in an artificial wreath and a +gug-gug-gauze skirt. + +_Ed._ (_collapsing_). No?? I _wasn't_!... Heavens! What a bounder I +must have looked! But I say, ANGIE, it was all _right_. I suppose? I +mean to say I wasn't exactly vulgar, or that sort of thing, eh? + +_Ang._ Not vulgar? Oh, EDWIN? I can only say I was truly thankful +_Mamma_ wasn't there! + +_Ed._ (_wincing_). Now, don't, ANGELINA it's quite awful enough as it +is. What beats me is how on earth I came to _do_ it all. + +_Ang._ You see, EDWIN, I wouldn't have minded so much if I had had the +least idea you were like _that_. + +_Ed._ Like that! Good Heavens. ANGIE, am I in the habit of making +hideous grimaces before a looking-glass? Do you suppose I am +given to over-indulgence in cod-liver oil and whatever the other +beastliness was? Am I acrobatic in my calmer moments? Did you ever +know me sing--with or without a broom? I'm a shy man by nature +(_pathetically_), more shy than you _think_, perhaps,--and in my +normal condition, I should be the last person to prance about in a +gauze skirt for the amusement of a couple of hundred idiots? I don't +believe I did, either! + +_Ang._ (_impressed by his evident sincerity_). But you said you knew +what you were about all the time! + +_Ed._ I thought so, then. Now--well, hang it, I suppose there's more +in this infernal Mesmerism than I fancied. There, it's no use talking +about it--it's done. You--you won't mind shaking hands before I go, +will you? Just for the last time? + +_Ang._ (_alarmed_). Why--where are you going? + +_Ed._ (_desperate_). Anywhere--go out and start on a _ranche_, or +something, or join the Colonial Police force. Anything's better than +staying on here after the stupendous ass I've made of myself! + +_Ang._ But--but, EDWIN, I daresay nobody _noticed_ it much. + +_Ed._ According to you, I must have been a pretty conspicuous object. + +_Ang._ Yes--only, you see, I--I daresay they'd only think you were +a confederate or something--no, I don't mean that--but, after all, +indeed you didn't make such _very_ awful faces. I--I _liked_ some of +them! + +_Ed._ (_incredulously_). But you said they haunted you--and then the +oil, and the somersaults, and the ballet-dancing. No, it's no use, +ANGELINA, I can see you'll never get over this. It's better to part +and have done with it! + +_Ang._ (_gradually retracting_). Oh, but listen. I--I didn't mean +quite all I said just now. I mixed things up. It was really whiskey +he gave you, only he _said_ it was paraffin, and so you wouldn't drink +it, and you _did_ sing, but it was only about some place where an old +horse died, and it was somebody else who had the broom! And you didn't +dance nearly so much as the others, and--and whatever you did, you +were never in the least ridiculous. (_Earnestly_). You weren't, +_really_, EDWIN! + +_Ed._ (_relieved_). Well. I thought you must have been exaggerating a +little. Why, look here, for all you know, you may have been mistaking +somebody else for me all the time--don't you see? + +_Ang._ I--I am almost sure I did, now. Yes, why, of course--how stupid +I have been! It was someone very like you--not you at all! + +_Ed._ (_resentfully_). Well, I must say, ANGELINA, that to give a +fellow a fright like this, all for nothing-- + +_Ang._ Yes--yes, it was all for nothing, it was so silly of me. +Forgive me, EDWIN, please! + +_Ed._ (_still aggrieved_). I know for a fact that I didn't so much as +leave my chair, and to say I _danced_, ANGELINA! + +_Ang._ (_eagerly_). But I _don't_. I remember now, you sat perfectly +still the whole time, he--he said he could do nothing with you, don't +you recollect? (_Aside._) Oh, what stories I'm telling! + +_Ed._ (_with recovered dignity_). Of course I recollect--perfectly. +Well, ANGELINA, I'm not _annoyed_, of course, darling; but another +time, you should really try to observe more closely what _is_ done and +who _does_ it--before making all this fuss about nothing. + +_Ang._ But you won't go and be mesmerised again, EDWIN--not after +this? + +_Ed._ Well, you see, as I always said, it hasn't the slightest effect +on me. But from what I observed, I am perfectly satisfied that +the whole thing is a fraud. All those other fellows were obviously +accomplices, or they'd never have gone through such absurd +antics--would they now? + +_Ang._ (_meekly_). No, dear, of course not. But don't let's talk any +more about it. There are so many things it's no use trying to explain. + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +(_A HAND-BOOK TO HONESTY._) + +NO. VII.--SELLING A HORSE. + +[Illustration] + + SCENE I.--_A Horse-Sale. Inexperienced Person, in search of a + cheap but sound animal for business purposes, looking on in + a nervous and undecided manner, half tempted to bid for the + horse at present under the hammer. To him approaches a grave + and closely-shaven personage, in black garments, of clerical + cut, a dirty-white tie, and a crush felt hat._ + +_Clerical Gent_. They are running that flea-bitten grey up pretty +well, are they not. Sir? + +_Inexperienced Person_. Ahem! ye-es, I suppose they are. I--er--was +half thinking of bidding myself, but it's going a bit beyond me, I +fear. + +_C.G._ Ah, plant, Sir--to speak the language of these horsey +vulgarians--a regular plant! You are better out of it, believe me. + +_I.P._ _In_-deed! You don't say so? + +_C.G._ (_sighing_). Only too true. Sir. Why--(_in a gush of +confidence_)--look at my own case. Being obliged to leave the country, +and give up my carriage, I put my horse into this sale, at a _very_ +low reserve of twenty pounds. (_Entre nous_, it's worth at least +double that.) Between the Auctioneer, and a couple of rascally +horse-dealers--who I found out, by pure accident, wanted my animal +particularly _for a match pair_--the sale of my horse is what _they_ +call "bunnicked up." _Then_ they come to me, and offer me money. I +spot their game, and am so indignant that I'll have nothing to do with +them, at _any_ price. Wouldn't sell dear old _Bogey_, whom my wife +and children are so fond of, to such brutal blackguards, on _any_ +consideration. No, Sir, the horse has done me good service--a sounder +nag never walked on four hoofs; and I'd rather sell it to a good, +kind master, for twenty pounds, aye, or even eighteen, than let these +rascals have it, though they _have_ run up as high as thirty q----, +ahem! guineas. + +_I.P._ Have they indeed, now? And what have you done with the horse? + +_C.G._ Put it into livery close by, Sir. And, unless I can find a good +master for it, by Jove, I'll take it back again, and _give it away to +a friend_. Perhaps, Sir, you'd like to have a look at the animal. The +stables are only in the next street, and--as a friend, and with no +eye to business--I should be pleased to show poor _Bogey_ to anyone so +sympathetic as yourself. + + [_I.P., after some further chat of a friendly nature, agrees + to go and "run his eye over him."_ + + SCENE II.--_Greengrocer's yard at side of a seedy house in a + shabby street, slimy and straw-bestrewn. Yard is paved with + lumpy, irregular cobbles, and some sooty and shaky-looking + sheds stand at the bottom thereof. Enter together, Clerical + Gent and Inexperienced Person._ + +_C.G._ (_smiling apologetically_). Not exactly palatial premises for +an animal used to _my_ stables at Wickham-in-the-Wold! But I know +these people, Sir; they are kind as Christians, and as honest as +the day. Hoy! TOM! TOM!! TOM!!! Are you there, TOM? [_From the shed +emerges a very small boy with very short hair, and a very long livery, +several sizes too large for him, the tail of the brass-buttoned coat +and the bottoms of the baggy trousers alike sweeping the cobbles as +he shambles forward_]. (_C.G. genially_.) Ah, there you are, TOM, my +lad. Bring out dear old _Bogey_, and show it to my friend here. [_Boy +leads out a rusty roan Rosinante, high in bone, and low in flesh, +with prominent hocks, and splay hoofs, which stumble gingerly over the +cobbles._] (_Patting the horse affectionately._) Ah, poor old _Bogey_, +he doesn't like these lumpy stones, does he? Not used to them, Sir. +My stable-yard at Wickham-in-the-Wold, is as smoothly paved as--as the +Alhambra, Sir. I always _consider_ my animals, Sir. A merciful man is +merciful to his beast, as the good book says. But _isn't_ he a Beauty? + +_I.P._ Well--ahem!--ye-es; he looks a kind, gentle, steady sort of a +creature. But--ahem!--what's the matter with his knees? + +_C.G._ Oh, nothing, Sir, nothing at all. Only a habit he has got +_along of kind treatment_. Like us when we "stand at ease," you know, +a bit baggy, that's all. You should see him after a twenty miles +spin along our Wickham roads, when my wife and I are doing a round +of visits among the neighbouring gentry. Ah, _Bogey, Bogey_, old +boy--_kissing his nose_--I don't know what Mrs. G. and the girls will +say when they hear I've parted with you--if I do, _if_ I do. + + _Enter two horsey-looking Men as though in search of + something._ + +_First Horsey Man_. Ah, here you are. Well, look 'ere, are you going +to take Thirty Pounds for that horse o' yourn? Yes or No! + +_C.G._ (_turning upon them with dignity_). _No_, Sir; most +emphatically _No!_ I've told you before I will not sell him to you +at _any_ price. Have the goodness to leave us--_at once_, I'm engaged +with my friend here. + + [_Horsey Men turn away despondently. Enter hurriedly, a + shabby-looking Groom._ + +_Groom_. Oh, look here, Mister--er--er--wot's yer name? His +Lordship wants to know whether you'll take his offer of Thirty-five +Pounds--_or_ Guineas--for that roan. He wouldn't offer as much, only +it happens jest to match-- + +_C.G._ (_with great decisiveness_). Inform his Lordship, with my +compliments, that I regret to be entirely unable to entertain his +proposition. + +_Groom_. Oh, _very_ well. But I wish you'd jest step out and tell his +Lordship so yerself. He's jest round the corner at the 'otel entrance, +a flicking of his boots, as irritated as a blue-bottle caught in a +cowcumber frame. + +_C.G._ Oh, _certainly_, with pleasure. (_To I.P._) If you'll excuse +me, Sir, just one moment, I'll step out and speak to his Lordship. + + [_Exit, followed by_ Groom. + +_Horsey Person_ (_making a rush at I.P. as soon as C.G. has +disappeared, speaking in a breathless hurry_). Now lookye here, +guv'nor--sharp's the word! He'll be back in arf a jiff. _You buy that +'oss!_ He won't sell it to _us_, bust 'im; but you've got 'im in a +string, you 'ave. He'll sell it to _you_ for eighteen quid--p'raps +sixteen. _Buy_ it, Sir, buy it! We'll be outside, by the pub at the +corner, my pal and me, and--(_producing notes_)--we'll take it off +you agen for _thirty pounds_, and glad o' the charnce. We want it +pertikler, we do, and you can 'elp us, and put ten quid in your own +pocket too as easy as be blowed. Ah! here he is! Mum's the word! Round +the corner by the pub! [_Exeunt hurriedly._ + +_Clerical Gent_ (_blandly_). Ah! _that's_ settled. His Lordship was +angry, but I was firm. Take _Bogey_ back to the stable, TOM--_unless_, +of course--(_looking significantly at Inexperienced Person_). + +_Inexperienced Person_ (_hesitating_). Well, I'm not sure but what the +animal would suit me, and--ahem!--if you care to trust it to me-- + +_Clerical Gent_ (_joyously_). Trust it to _you_, Sir? Why, with +pleasure, with every confidence. Dear old _Bogey_! He'll be happy +with such a master--ah, and do him service too. I tell you, Sir, that +horse, to a quiet, considerate sort o' gent like yourself, who wants +to _work_ his animal, not to wear it out, is worth forty pound, every +penny of it--and cheap at the price! + +_I.P._ Thanks! And--ah--what _is_ the figure? + +_C.G._ Why--ah--eighteen--no, dash it!--sixteen _to you_, and say no +more about it. + + [_Inexperienced Person closes with the offer, hands notes + to Clerical Gent (who, under pressure of business, hurries + off), takes Bogey from the grinning groom-lad, leads + him--with difficulty--out into the street, searches vainly for + the two horsey Men, who, like "his Lordship," have utterly + and finally disappeared, and finds himself left alone in a + bye-thoroughfare with a "horse," which he cannot get along + anyhow, and which he is presently glad to part with to a + knacker for thirty shillings._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN. + +_Hired Waiter_ (_handling the liqueurs_). "_PLEASE_, SIR, _DON'T_ MAKE +ME LAUGH--I SHALL SPILL 'EM ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +WRITE AND WRONG. + +As so many private letters are sold at public sales nowadays, it has +become necessary to consider the purport of every epistle regarded, +so to speak, from a _post-mortem_ point of view. If a public man +expresses a confidential opinion in the fulness of his heart to +an intimate friend, or proposes an act of charity to a cherished +relative, he may rest assured that, sooner or later, both +communications will be published to an unsympathetic and +autograph-hunting world. Under these circumstances it may be well +to answer the simplest communications in the most guarded manner +possible. For instance, a reply to a tender of hospitality might run +as follows:-- + + _Private and Confidential. Not negotiable._ + +Mr. DASH BLANK has much pleasure in accepting Mr. BLANK DASH's +invitation to dinner on the 8th inst. + +_N.B.--This letter is the property of the Writer. Not for publication. +All rights reserved._ + +Or, if the writer feels that his letter, if it gets into the hands +of the executors, will be sold, he must adopt another plan. It will +be then his object to so mix up abuse of the possible vendors with +ordinary matter, that they (the possible vendors) may shrink, after +the death of the recipient, from making their own condemnation +public. The following may serve as a model for a communication of this +character. The words printed in italics in the body of the letter +are the antidotal abuse introduced to prevent a posthumous sale by +possible executors. + +_Private and Confidential. Not to be published. Signature a forgery._ + + DEAR OLD MAN,--I nearly completed my book. _Your nephew, + TOM LESLEIGH, is an ass._ My wife is slowly recovering from + influenza. _Your Aunt, JANE JENKINS, wears a wig._ TOMMY, + you will be glad to learn, has come out first of twenty in + his new class at school. _Your Uncle, BENJAMIN GRAHAM, is a + twaddling old bore._ I am thinking of spending the Midsummer + holidays with the boys and their mother at Broadstairs. _Your + Cousin, JACK JUGGERLY, is a sweep that doesn't belong to a + single respectable Club._ Trusting that you will burn this + letter, to prevent its sale after we are gone, + + I remain, yours affectionately, + + BOBBY. + +_N.B.--The foregoing letter is the property of the Author, and, as +it is only intended for private circulation, must not be printed. +Solicitors address,--Ely Place_. + +But perhaps the best plan will be, not to write at all. The telegraph, +at the end of the century, costs but a halfpenny a word, and we seem +to be within measurable distance of the universal adoption of the +telephone. Under these circumstances, it is easy to take heed of the +warning contained in that classical puzzle of our childhood, _Litera +scripta manet_. + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION OF TASTE. + +_Mr. Punch_. Well, Madam, what can I do for you? + +_Female_ (_of Uncertain Age, gushingly_). A very great favour, my dear +Sir; it is a matter of sanitation. + +_Mr. P._ (_coldly_). I am at your service, Madam, but I would remind +you that I have no time to listen to frivolous complaints. + +_Fem._ I would ask you--do you think that a building open to the +public should be crowded with double as many persons as it can +conveniently hold? + +_Mr. P._ Depends upon circumstances, Madam. It might possibly +be excusable in a Church, assuming that the means of egress were +sufficient. Of what building do you wish to complain? + +_Fem._ Of the Old Bailey--you know, the Central Criminal Court. + +_Mr. P._ Have you to object to the accommodation afforded you in the +Dock? + +_Fem._ _I_ was not in the Dock! + +_Mr. P._ (_dryly_). That is the only place (when not in the +Witness-Box) suitable for women at the Old Bailey. I cannot imagine +that they would go to that unhappy spot of their own free will. + +_Fem._ (_astonished_). Not to see a Murder trial? Then you are +evidently unaccustomed to ladies' society. + +_Mr. P._ (_severely_). I do not meet _ladies_ at the Old Bailey. + +_Fem._ (_bridling up_). Indeed! But that is nothing to do with the +matter of the overcrowding. Fancy, with our boasted civilisation--I +was _half_ stifled! + +_Mr. P._ It is a pity, with our boasted civilisation, that you were +not stifled--_quite!_ (_Severely._) You can go! + + [_The Female retires, with an expression worthy of her proper + place--the Chamber of Horrors!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN DIFFICULTIES! + +Distressed Hibernia. "If your tandem leader turns vicious, and kicks +over the traces,--where are you?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TAKING IT COOLLY. + +_Old Gent_ (_out for a quiet ride with the Devon and Somerset_). +"CONFOUND THESE HARD-RIDING YOUNG RASCALS, THEY'LL BE SMASHING MY HAT +ONE OF THESE DAYS!"] + + * * * * * + +NONOGENARIAN NONSENSE. + +(_COMPILED À LA MODE._) + +[Illustration] + +I have so often been urged by my friends to write my autobiography, +that at length I have taken up my pen to comply with their wishes. My +memory, although I may occasionally become slightly mixed, is still +excellent, and having been born in the first year of the present +century I consequently can remember both the Plague and Fire of +London. The latter is memorable to me as having been the cause of my +introduction to Sir CHRISTOPHER WREN, an architect of some note, and +an intimate friend of Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS, and the late Mr. TURNER, +R.A. Sir CHRISTOPHER had but one failing--he was never sober. To the +day of his death he was under the impression that St. Paul's was St. +Peter's! + +One of my earliest recollections is the great physician HARVEY, who, +indeed, knew me from my birth. Although an exceedingly able man, +he was a confirmed glutton. He would at the most ceremonious of +dinner-parties push his way through the guests (treating ladies and +gentlemen with the like discourtesy) and plumping himself down in +front of the turtle soup, would help himself to the entire contents of +the tureen, plus the green fat! During the last years of his life he +abandoned medicine to give his attention to cookery, and (so I have +been told) ultimately invented a fish sauce! + +I knew HOWARD, the so-called philanthropist, very well. He was +particularly fond of dress, although extremely economical in his +washing bill. It was his delight to visit the various prisons and +obtain a hideous pleasure in watching the tortures of the poor +wretches therein incarcerated. He was fined and imprisoned for +ill-treating a cat, if my memory does not play me false. I have been +told that he once stole a pockethandkerchief, but at this distance of +time cannot remember where I heard the story. + +It is one of my proudest recollections that, in early youth, I had +the honour of being presented to her late most gracious Majesty, Queen +ANNE, of glorious memory. The drawing-room was held at Buckingham +Palace, which in those days was situated on the site now occupied +by Marlborough House. I accompanied my mother, who wore, I remember, +yellow brocade, and a wreath of red roses, without feathers. Round +the throne were grouped--the Duke of MARLBOROUGH (who kept in the +background because he had just been defeated at Fontenoy), Lord +PALMERSTON, nick-named "Cupid" by Mistress NELL GWYNNE (a well-known +Court beauty), Mr. GARRICK, and Signor GRIMALDI, two Actors of repute, +and Cardinal WISEMAN, the Papal Nuncio. Her Majesty was most gracious +to me, and introduced me to one of her predecessors, Queen ELIZABETH, +a reputed daughter of King HENRY THE EIGHTH. Both Ladies laughed +heartily at my curls, which in those days were more plentiful than +they are now. I was rather alarmed at their lurching forward as I +passed them, but was reassured when the Earl of ROCHESTER (the Lord +Chamberlain) whispered in my ear that the Royal relatives had been +lunching. As I left the presence, I noticed that both their Majesties +were fast asleep. + +I have just mentioned Lord ROCHESTER, whose acquaintance I had the +honour to possess. He was extremely austere, and very much disliked by +the fair sex. On one occasion it was my privilege to clean his shoes. +He had but one failing--he habitually cheated at cards. I will now +tell a few stories of the like character about Bishop WILBERFORCE, +THACKERAY, Mrs. FRY, PEABODY, WALTER SCOTT, and Father MATTHEW. + + [No you don't, my venerable twaddler!--ED.] + + * * * * * + +THE LARGE CIGAR. + +[Illustration] + + You lie on the oaken mantle-shelf, + A cigar of high degree, + An old cigar, a large cigar, + A cigar that was given to me. + The house-flies bite you day by day-- + Bite you, and kick, and sigh-- + And I do not know what the insects say, + But they creep away and die. + + My friends they take you gently up, + And lay you gently down; + They never saw a weed so big, + Or quite so deadly brown. + They, as a rule, smoke anything + They pick up free of charge; + But they leave you to rest while the bulbuls sing + Through the night, my own, my large! + + The dust lies thick on your bloated form, + And the year draws to its close, + And the baccy-jar's been emptied--by + My laundress, I suppose. + Smokeless and hopeless, with reeling brain, + I turn to the oaken shelf, + And take you down, while my hot tears rain, + And smoke you, you brute, myself. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARNELL'S PARLIAMENTARY PUPPETS. THE STRINGS IN A +TANGLE!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M.C.C. GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY. + +"Sir EDWARD WATKIN proposes to construct a Railway passing through +Lord's Cricket Ground."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, December 1._--Tithes Bill down for Second +Reading. GRAND YOUNG GARDNER places Amendment on the paper, which +secures for him opportunity of making a speech. Having availed +himself of this, did not move his Amendment; opening thus made for +STUART-RENDEL, who had another Amendment on the paper. Would he move +it? Only excitement of Debate settled round this point. Under good +old Tory Government new things in Parliamentary procedure constantly +achieved. Supposing half-a-dozen Members got together, drew up a +number of Amendments, then ballot for precedence, they might arrange +Debate without interposition of SPEAKER. First man gets off his +speech, omits to move Amendment: second would come on, and so on, on +to the end of list. But STUART-RENDEL moved Amendment, and on this +Debate turned. + +[Illustration: Osborne Ap Morgan.] + +Not very lively affair, regarded as reflex of passionate protestation +of angry little Wales. OSBORNE AP MORGAN made capital speech, but few +remained to listen. Welshmen at outset meant to carry Debate over to +next day; couldn't be done; and by half-past eleven, STUART-RENDEL's +Amendment negatived by rattling majority. + +Fact is, gallant little Wales was swamped by irruptive Ireland. +To-day, first meeting of actual Home Rule Parliament held, and +everybody watching its course. This historic meeting gathered in +Committee-room No. 15; question purely one of Home Rule; decided, +after some deliberation, that, in order to have proceedings in due +dramatic form, there should be incorporated with the meeting an +eviction scene. After prolonged Debate, concluded that, to do the +thing thoroughly, they should select PARNELL as subject of eviction. + +"No use," TIM HEALY said, "in half-doing the thing. The eyes of the +Universe are fixed upon us. Let us give them a show for their money." + +PARNELL, at first, demurred; took exception on the ground that, as +he had no fixed place of residence, he was not convenient subject +for eviction; objection over-ruled; then PARNELL insisted that, if +he yielded on this point, he must preside over proceedings. TIM and +the rest urged that it was not usual, when a man's conduct is under +consideration upon a grave charge, that he should take the Chair. +Drawing upon the resources of personal observation, Dr. TANNER +remarked that he did not remember any case in which the holder of +a tenure, suffering process of eviction, bossed the concern, acting +simultaneously, as it were, as the subject of the eviction process, +and the resident Magistrate. + +Whilst conversation going on, PARNELL had unobserved taken the Chair, +and now ruled Dr. TANNER out of order. + +House sat at Twelve o'Clock; at One the Speaker (Mr. PARNELL), +interrupting SEXTON in passage of passionate eloquence, said he +thought this would be convenient opportunity for going out to his +chop. So he went off; Debate interrupted for an hour; resumed at One, +and continued, with brief intervals for refreshment, up till close +upon midnight. Proceedings conducted with closed doors, but along the +corridor, from time to time, rolled echoes which seemed to indicate +that the first meeting of the Home-Rule Parliament was not lacking +inanimation. + +"I think they _are_ a little 'eated, Sir," said the policeman on duty +outside. "Man and boy I've been in charge of this beat for twenty +years; usually a quiet spot; this sudden row rather trying for one +getting up in years. Do you think, Sir, that, seeing it's an eviction, +the Police can under the Act claim Compensation for Disturbance?" + +Promised to put question on subject to JOKIM. + +Long dispute on point of order raised by NOLAN. TIM HEALY referring +to difficulty of dislodging PARNELL, alluded to him as "Sitting Bull." +Clamour from Parnellite section anxious for preservation of decency +of debate. Speaker said, question most important. Irish Parliament +in its infancy; above all things essential they should well consider +precedents. Must reserve decision as to whether the phrase was +Parliamentary; would suggest, therefore, that House should adjourn +five weeks. On this point Debate proceeded up to midnight. + +_Business done_.--In British Parliament Tithes Bill read a Second +Time; in Irish (which sat four hours longer), None. + +_Tuesday_.--Cork Parliament still sitting upstairs in Committee Room +No. 15, debating question of adjournment. We hear them occasionally +through open doors and down long corridor. Once a tremendous yell +shook building. + +[Illustration: Caleb Balder(Glad)stone finding all that was left of +the lost Leader, P-rn-ll.] + +"What's that?" I asked DICK POWER, who happened to be taking glass of +sherry-wine at Bar in Lobby. + +"That," said RICHARD, "is the Irish wolves crying for the blood of +PARNELL," and DICK, tossing down his sherry-wine, as if he had a +personal quarrel with it, hurried back to the shambles. + +Quite a changed man! No longer the _débonnaire_ DICK, whose light +heart and high spirits made him a favourite everywhere. Politics have +suddenly become a serious thing, and DICK POWER is saddened with them. + +"I take bitters with my sherry-wine now," DICK mentioned just now in +sort of apologetic way at having been discovered, as it were, feasting +in the house of mourning. "At the present sad juncture, to drink +sherry-wine with all its untamed richness might, I feel, smack of +callousness. Therefore I tell the man to dash it with bitters, which, +whilst it has a penitential sound, adds a not untoothsome flavour in +anticipation of dinner." + +Even with this small comfort ten years added to his age; grey hairs +gleam among his hyacinthine locks; his back is bent; his shoes are +clogged with lead. A sad sight; makes one wish the pitiful business +was over, and RICHARD himself again. + +All the best of the Irish Members, whether Cavaliers or Cromwellians, +are depressed in same way. Came upon SWIFT MacNEILL in retired +recess in Library this afternoon; standing up with right hand in +trouser-pocket, and left hand extended (his favourite oratorical +attitude in happier times) smiling in really violent fashion. + +"What are you playing at?" I asked him, noticing with curiosity that +whilst his mouth was, so to speak, wreathed in smiles, a tear dewed +the fringe of his closed eyelids. + +"Ah, TOBY, is that you?" he said, "I didn't see you coming. The fact +is I came over here by myself to have me last smile." + +"Well, you're making the most of it," I said, wishing to encourage +him. + +[Illustration: The Last Smile.] + +"I generally do, and as this is me last, I'm not stinting measurement. +They're sad times we've fallen on. Just when it seemed victory was +within our grasp it is snatched away, and we are, as one may say, +flung on the dunghill amid the wreck of our country's hopes and +aspirations. This is not a time to make merry. Me country's ruined, +and SWIFT MacNEILL smiles no more." + +With that he shut up his jaws with a snap, and strode off. I'm sorry +he should take the matter to heart so seriously. We shall miss that +smile. + +_Business done_.--Irish Land Bill in British Parliament. Cork +Parliament still sitting. + +_Thursday_.--Cork Parliament still sitting; PARNELL predominant; +issues getting a little mixed; understood that Session summoned to +decide whether, in view of certain proceedings before Mr. Justice +BUTT, PARNELL should be permitted to retain Leadership. Everything +been discussed but that. Things got so muddled up, that O'KEEFE, +walking about, bowed with anxious thought, not quite certain whether +it is TIM HEALY, SEXTON, or JUSTIN McCARTHY, who was involved in +recent Divorce suit. Certainly, it couldn't have been PARNELL, who +to-day suggests that the opportunity is fitting for putting Mr. G. +in a tight place. + +[Illustration: Weighed down with Thought.] + +"You go to him," says PARNELL, "and demand certain pledges on Home +Rule scheme. If he does not consent, he will be in a hole; threatened +with loss of Irish Vote. You will be in a dilemma, as you cannot then +side with him against me, the real friend of Ireland; whilst I shall +be confirmed in my position as the only possible Leader of the Party. +If, on the contrary, this unrivalled sophist is drawn into anything +like a declaration that will satisfy you in the face of the Irish +People, he will be hopelessly embarrassed with his English friends; +I shall have paid off an old score, and can afford to retire from the +Leadership, certain that in a few months the Irish People will clamour +for the return of the man who showed that, if only he could serve +them, he was ready to sacrifice his personal position and advantages. +Don't, Gentlemen, let us, at a crisis like this, descend to topics of +mere personality. In spite of what has passed at this table, I should +like to shield my honourable friends, Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, Mr. SEXTON, +and that _beau idéal_ of an Irish Member, Mr. JUSTIN McCARTHY, +from references, of a kind peculiarly painful to them, to certain +proceedings in a court of law with respect to which I will, before I +sit down, say this, that, if all the facts were known, they would be +held absolutely free from imputation of irregularity." + +General cheering greeted this speech. Members shook hands all round, +and nominated Committee to go off and make things hot for Mr. G. +_Business done_.--In British House Prince ARTHUR expounded Scheme for +Relief of Irish Distress. + +_Friday_.--A dark shadow falls on House to-day. Mrs. PEEL died this +morning, and our SPEAKER sits by a lonely hearth, OLD MORALITY, in his +very best style, speaking with the simple language of a kind heart, +voices the prevalent feeling. Mr. G., always at his best on these +occasions, adds some words, though, as he finely says, any expression +of sympathy is but inadequate medicine for so severe a hurt. Members +reverently uncover whilst these brief speeches are made. That is a +movement shown only when a Royal Message is read; and here is mention +of a Message from the greatest and final King. Mrs. PEEL, though the +wife of the First Commoner in the land, was not _une grande dame_. She +was a kindly, homely lady, of unaffected manner, with keen sympathies +for all that was bright and good. Every Member feels that something is +lost to the House of Commons now that she lies still in her chamber at +Speaker's Court. + + * * * * * + +THE DRAMA ON CRUTCHES.--A Mr. GREIN has suggested, according to some +Friday notes in the _D.T._, a scheme for subsidising a theatre and +founding a Dramatic School. The latter, apparently, is not to aid the +healthy but the decrepit drama, as it is intended "to afford succour +to old or disabled actors and actresses." Why then call it a "Dramatic +School?" Better style it, a "Dramatic-Second-Infancy-School." + + * * * * * + +DEATH IN THE FIELD.--If things go on as they have been going lately, +the statisticians who compile the "Public Health" averages will have +to include, as one important item in their "Death Rates," the ravages +of that annual epidemic popularly known as--Football! + + * * * * * + +"JUSTICE FOR IRELAND!"--The contest on the Chairmanship of the Irish +Parliamentary Party may be summed up:--PARNELL--Just out, McCARTHY +Just in. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case +be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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