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diff --git a/12905-h/12905-h.htm b/12905-h/12905-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a6ccf0 --- /dev/null +++ b/12905-h/12905-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1663 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, December 13, 1890.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12905 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 13, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page277" + id="page277"></a>[pg 277]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. IX.—THE CURSE OF COGNAC.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>By</i> WATER DECANT, <i>Author of "Chaplin off his + Feet," "All Sorts of Editions for Men," "The Nuns in + Dilemma," "The Cream he Tried," "Blue-the-Money + Naughty-boy," "The Silver Gutter-Snipe," "All for a Farden + Fare," "The Roley Hose," "Caramel of Stickinesse," &c., + &c., &c.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Of this story the Author writes to us as + follows:—"I can honestly recommend it, as calculated + to lower the exaggerated cheerfulness which is apt to + prevail at Christmas time. I consider it, therefore, to be + eminently suited for a Christmas Annual. Families are + advised to read it in detachments of four or five at a + time. Married men who owe their wives' mothers a grudge + should lock them into a bare room, with a guttering candle + and this story. Death will be certain and not painless. + I've got one or two rods in pickle for the publishers. You + wait and see.—W.D."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/277.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/277.png" + alt="George Ginsling and the Devil." /></a> + </div> + + <p>GEORGE GINSLING was alone in his College-rooms at Cambridge. + His friends had just left him. They were quite the tip-top set + in Christ's College, and the ashes of the cigarettes they had + been smoking lay about the rich Axminster carpet. They had been + talking about many things, as is the wont of young men, and one + of them had particularly bothered GEORGE by asking him why he + had refused a seat in the University Trial Eights after rowing + No. 5 in his College boat. GEORGE had no answer ready, and had + replied angrily. Now, he thought of many answers. This made him + nervous. He paced quickly up and down the deserted room, + sipping his seventh tumbler of brandy, as he walked. It was his + invariable custom to drink seven tumblers of neat brandy every + night to steady himself, and his College career had, in + consequence, been quite unexceptionable up to the present + moment. He used playfully to remind his Dean of PORSON's + drunken epigram, and the good man always accepted this as an + excuse for any false quantities in GEORGE's Greek Iambics. But + to-night, as I have said, GEORGE was nervous with a strange + nervousness, and he, therefore, went to bed, having previously + blown out his candle and placed his Waterbury watch under his + pillow, on the top of which sat a Devil wearing a thick jersey + worked with large green spots on a yellow ground.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>Now this Devil was a Water-Devil of the most pronounced + type. His head-quarters were on the Thames at Barking, where + there is a sewage outfall, and he had lately established a + branch-office on the Cam, where he did a considerable + business.</p> + + <p>Occasionally, he would run down to Cambridge himself, to + consult with his manager, and on these occasions he would + indulge his playful humour by going out at night and sitting on + the pillows of Undergraduates.</p> + + <p>This was one of his nights out, and he had chosen GEORGE + GINSLING's pillow as his seat.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>GEORGE woke up with a start. What was this feeling in his + throat? Had he swallowed his blanket, or his cocoa-nut matting? + No, they were still in their respective places. He tore out his + tongue and his tonsils, and examined them. They were on fire. + This puzzled him. He replaced them. As he did so, a shower of + red-hot coppers fell from his mouth on to his feet. The agony + was awful. He howled, and danced about the room. Then he dashed + at the whiskey, but the bottle ducked as he approached, and he + failed to tackle it. Poor GEORGE, you see, was a rowing-man, + not a football-player. Then he knew what he wanted. In his + keeping-room were six <i>carafes</i>, full of Cambridge water, + and a dozen bottles of Hunyádi Janos. He rushed in, and hurled + himself upon the bottles with all his weight. The crash was + dreadful. The foreign bottles, being poor, frail things, broke + at once. He lapped up the liquid like a thirsty dog. The + <i>carafes</i> survived. He crammed them with their awful + contents, one after another, down his throat. Then he returned + to his bed-room, seized his jug, and emptied it at one gulp. + His bath was full. He lifted it in one hand, and drained it as + dry as a University sermon. The thirst compelled + him—drove him—made him—urged him—lashed + him—forced him—shoved him—goaded him—to + drink, drink, drink water, water, water! At last he was + appeased. He had cried bitterly, and drunk up all his tears. He + fell back on his bed, and slept for twenty-four hours, and the + Devil went out and gave his gyp, STARLING, a complete set of + instructions for use in case of flood.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>STARLING was a pale, greasy man. He was a devil of a gyp. He + went into GEORGE's bed-room and shook his master by the + shoulder. GEORGE woke up.</p> + + <p>"Bring me the College pump," he said. "I must have it. No, + stay," he continued, as STARLING prepared to execute his + orders, "a hair of the dog—bring it, quick, quick!"</p> + + <p>STARLING gave him three. He always carried them about with + him in case of accidents. GEORGE devoured them eagerly, + recklessly. Then with a deep sigh of relief, he went stark + staring mad, and bit STARLING in the fleshy part of the thigh, + after which he fell fast asleep again. On awaking, he took his + name off the College books, gave STARLING a cheque for £5000, + broke off his engagement, but forgot to post the letter, and + consulted a Doctor.</p> + + <p>"What you want," said the Doctor, "is to be shut up for a + year in the tap-room of a public-house. No water, only spirits. + That must cure you."</p> + + <p>So GEORGE ordered STARLING to hire a public-house in a + populous district. When this was done, he went and lived there. + But you scarcely need to be told that STARLING had not carried + out his orders. How could he be expected to do that? Only + fifty-six pages of my book had been written, and even + publishers—the most abandoned people on the face of the + earth—know that that amount won't make a Christmas + Annual. So STARLING hired a Temperance Hotel. As I have said, + he was a devil of a gyp.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>The fact was this. One of GEORGE's great-great uncles had + held a commission in the Blue Ribbon Army. GEORGE remembered + this too late. The offer of a seat in the University Trial + Eights must have suggested the blue ribbon which the University + Crew wear on their straw hats. Thus the diabolical forces of + heredity were roused to fever-heat, and the great-great uncle, + with his blue ribbon, whose photograph hung in GEORGE's home + over the parlour mantelpiece, became a living force in GEORGE's + brain.</p> + + <p>GEORGE GINSLING went and lived in a suburban neighbourhood. + It was useless. He married a sweet girl with various spiteful + relations. In vain. He changed his name to PUMPDRY, and + conducted a local newspaper. Profitless striving. STARLING was + always at hand, always ready with the patent filter, and as + punctual in his appearances as the washing-bill or the East + wind. I repeat, he was a devil of a gyp.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4> + + <p>They found GEORGE GINSLING feet uppermost in six inches of + water in the Daffodil Road reservoir. It was a large reservoir, + and had been quite full before GEORGE began upon it. This was + his record drink, and it killed him. His last words were, "If I + had stuck to whiskey, this would never have happened."</p> + + <center> + THE END. + </center> + <hr /> + + <p>"IT IS THE BOGIE MAN!"—BLACKIE'S <i>Modern + Cyclopedia</i>. Nothing to do with the Christy Minstrel + Entertainment, but a very useful work of reference, issued from + the ancient house of publishers which is now quite BLACKIE with + age. We have looked through the "B's" for "Bogie," but "The + Bogie Man" is "Not there, not there, my child!" but he is to be + found in that other BLACKIE's collection at the St. James's + Hall, which Bogie Man is said to be the original of that ilk. + <i>Unde derivatur</i> "Bogie"? Perhaps the next edition of + BLACKIE's <i>still-more-Modern-than-ever Cyclopedia will + explain</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PARS ABOUT PICTURES (<i>by Old Par</i>).—At the Fine + Art Society's Gallery I gazed upon the pictures of "Many-sided + Nature" with great content, and came to the conclusion that Mr. + ALBERT GOODWIN was a many-sided artist. "Now," said I, quoting + SHAKSPEARE—<i>Old Par's Improved Edition</i>—"is + the GOODWIN of our great content made glorious." O.P., who + knows every inch of Abingdon, who has gazed upon Hastings from + High Wickham, who is intimate with every brick in Dorchester, + who loves every reed and ripple on the Thames, and has a + considerable knowledge of the Rigi and Venice, can bear witness + to the truth of the painter. There are over seventy + pictures—every one worth looking at.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page278" + id="page278"></a>[pg 278]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3> + "BUSINESS!"</h3><a href="images/278.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/278.png" + alt="Sweater and Mr. Punch." /></a> + + <p><i>Sweater</i> (<i>to Mr. Punch</i>). "NO USE YOUR + INTERFERING. BUSINESS IS BUSINESS!"</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> "YES, AND UNCOMMONLY BAD BUSINESS, TOO, + FOR <i>THEM</i>. COULDN'T THE LARGE FIRMS TAKE A TRIFLE + LESS PROFIT, AND PUT A LITTLE PLEASURE INTO THE BUSINESS OF + THESE POOR STARVING WORKERS?"</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>["Business!" cries the Sweater, when remonstrated + with for paying the poor Match-box makers + twopence-farthing or twopence-half-penny a gross, + whilst his own profits reach 22-1/2 to 25 per + cent.—<i>Daily News</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4><i>Punch to the Sweating Shylock.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Eh? "Business is business"? Sheer cant, Sir! + Pure gammon?</p> + + <p>Of all the inhuman, sham Maxims of Mammon,</p> + + <p class="i2">This one is the worst,</p> + + <p>For under its cover lurks cruelty callous,</p> + + <p>With murderous meanness that merits the + gallows,</p> + + <p class="i2">And avarice accurst.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, well, I'm aware, Sir, how ruthless + rapacity</p> + + <p>Loves to take shelter, with cunning + mendacity</p> + + <p class="i2">'Neath an old + saw;</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page279" + id="page279"></a>[pg 279]</span> + + <p>But well says the scribe that such "business" is + crime, Sir,</p> + + <p>And such would be but for gaps half the time, + Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twixt justice and law.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bah! Many a man who's sheer rogue in + reality,</p> + + <p>Hides the harsh knave in the mask of + "legality."</p> + + <p class="i2">When 'tis too gross,</p> + + <p>Robbery's rash, but austere orthodoxies</p> + + <p>Countenance such things as modern + match-boxes</p> + + <p class="i2">Nine-farthings a gross!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From seven till ten, and sometimes to + eleven,</p> + + <p>For "six bob" a week. Ah! such life <i>must</i> + be heaven;</p> + + <p class="i2">Whilst as for your "profit,"</p> + + <p>That's bound to approach five-and-twenty per + cent.,</p> + + <p>That Sweaters shall thrive, let their tools be + content</p> + + <p class="i2">With starvation in Tophet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To starve's bad enough, but to starve and to + work</p> + + <p>(Mrs. LABOUCHERE hints), the most patient may + irk;</p> + + <p class="i2">And the lady is right—</p> + + <p>Business? On brutes who dare mouth such base + trash,</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>, who loves justice and sense, + lays his lash,</p> + + <p class="i2">With the greatest delight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He knows the excuses advanced for the + Sweater,</p> + + <p>But bad is the best, and, until you find + better,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis useless to cant</p> + + <p>Of freedom of contract, supply and demand,</p> + + <p>And all the cold sophistries ever on hand</p> + + <p class="i2">Sound sense to supplant.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A phrase takes the place of an argument + often.</p> + + <p>And stomachs go empty, and brains slowly + soften,</p> + + <p class="i2">And sense sick with dizziness,</p> + + <p>All in the name of the bosh men embody</p> + + <p>In one clap-trap phrase that dupes many a + noddy,</p> + + <p class="i2">That—business is business!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Business? Yes, precious bad business for them, + Sir,</p> + + <p>Whose joyless enslavement <i>you</i> take with + such phlegm, Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">Suppose, to enhance</p> + + <p>Their small share of ease, such as you, were + content, Sir,</p> + + <p>To lower a trifle your precious "per cent.," + Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">And give <i>them</i> a chance!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/279-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/279-1.png" + alt="Scene in a hat store." /></a> + + <h3>SOFT SAWDER.</h3> + + <p>"BUT I DON'T CALL THIS A FASHIONABLE 'AT!"</p> + + <p>"IT WILL SOON <i>BECOME</i> SO, MADAM, IF <i>YOU</i> + WEAR IT!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/279-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/279-2.png" + alt="A Christmas Masque." /></a>A Christmas Masque. + </div> + + <p>In <i>Camp and Studio</i>, Mr. IRVING MONTAGU, some time on + the artistic staff of <i>The Illustrated London News</i>, gives + his experiences of the Russo-Turkish Campaign. He concisely + sums up the qualifications of a War Correspondent by saying + that he should "have an iron constitution, a laconic, incisive + style, and sufficient tact to establish a safe and rapid + connecting link between the forefront of battle and his own + head-quarters in Fleet Street or elsewhere." As Mr. IRVING + MONTAGU seems to have lived up to his ideal, it is a little + astonishing to find the last chapters of his book devoted to + <i>Back in Bohemia</i>, wherein he discourses of going to the + Derby, a Hammersmith <i>Desdemona</i>, and of the + <i>Postlethwaites</i> and <i>Maudles</i>, "whose peculiarities + have been recorded by the facile pen of DU MAURIER." But as the + author seems pleased with the reader, it would be indeed sad + were the reader to find fault with the author. However, this + may be said in his favour—he tells (at least) one good + story. On his return from Plevna to Bohemia, a dinner was given + in his honour at the Holborn Restaurant. Every detail was + perfect—the only omission was forgetfulness on the part + of the Committee to invite <i>the guest of the evening</i>! At + the last moment the mistake was discovered, and a telegram was + hurriedly despatched to Mr. MONTAGU, telling him that he was + "wanted." On his arrival he was refused admittance to the + dinner by the waiters, because he was not furnished with a + ticket! Ultimately he was ushered into the Banqueting Hall, + when everything necessarily ended happily.</p> + + <p>One might imagine that Birthday Books have had their day, + but apparently they still flourish, for HAZELL, WATSON, & + VINEY publish yet another, under the title of <i>Names we Love, + and Places we Know</i>. The first does not apply to our + friends, but to the quotations selected, and places are shown + by photos.</p> + + <p>Of many <i>Beneficent and Useful Lives</i>, you will hear + "in CHAMBERS,"—the reader sitting as judge on the various + cases brought before him by Mr. ROBERT COCHRANE.</p> + + <p><i>Unlucky</i> will not be the little girl who reads the + book with this name, by CAROLINE AUSTIN.</p> + + <p><i>Everybody's Business</i>, by ISMAY THORN, nobody likes + interference, but in this case it proved the friend in + need.</p> + + <p><i>Chivalry</i>, by LÉON GAUTIER, translated by HENRY FRITH, + is a chronicle of knighthood, its rules, and its deeds. To the + scientific student, <i>Discoveries and Inventions of the + Nineteenth Century</i>, by ROBERT ROUTLEDGE, B.S., F.C.S., will + be interesting, and help him to discover a lot he does not + know. Those who have not already read it, <i>A Wonder Book for + Girls and Boys</i>, by NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, will have a real + treat in the myths related; <i>Tanglewood Tales</i> are + included, and these are delightful for all. <i>Rosebud</i>, by + Mrs. ADAMS ACTON, a tale for girls, who will love this bright + little flower, bringing happiness all around.</p> + + <p><i>Holly Leaves</i>, the Special Number of <i>The Sporting + and Dramatic</i>, is quite a seasonable decoration for the + drawing-room table during the Christmas holidays.</p> + + <p>My faithful "Co." has been reading <i>Jack's Secret</i>, by + Mrs. LOVETT CAMERON, which, he says, has greatly pleased him. + It has an interesting story, and is full of clever sketches of + character. <i>Jack</i>, himself, is rather a weak personage, + and scarcely deserves the good fortune which ultimately falls + to his lot. After flirting with a born coquette, who treats him + with a cruelty which is not altogether unmerited, he settles + down with a thoroughly lovable little wife, and a seat in the + House of Lords. From this it will be gathered that all ends + happily. <i>Jack's Secret</i> will be let out by MUDIE's, and + will be kept, for a considerable time—by the + subscribers.</p> + + <p>Girls will be the richer this year by <i>Fifty-two more + Stories for Girls</i>, and boys will be delighted with + <i>Fifty-two more Stories for Boys</i>, by many of the best + authors: both these books are edited by ALFRED MILES, and + published by HUTCHISON & Co. <i>Lion Jack</i>, by P.T. + BARNUM, is an account of JACK's perilous adventures in + capturing wild animals. If they weren't, of course, all true, + <i>Lyin' Jack</i> would have been a better title.</p> + + <p><i>Syd Belton</i>, unlike most story-book boys, would not go + to sea, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page280" + id="page280"></a>[pg 280]</span> but he was made to + <i>go</i>, by the author, Mr. MANVILLE FENN. Once launched, + he proved himself a British salt of the first water. + <i>Dumps and I</i>, by Mrs. PARR, is a <i>par</i>ticularly + pretty book for girls, and quite on a par with, her other + works. METHUEN & CO. publish these.</p> + + <p><i>Pictures and Stories from English History</i>, and + <i>Royal Portrait Gallery</i>, are two Royal Prize Books for + the historical-minded child; they are published by T. NELSON + AND SONS, as likewise "<i>Fritz</i>" <i>of Prussia, Germany's + Second Emperor</i>, by LUCY TAYLOR. <i>Dictionary of Idiomatic + English Phrases</i>, by JAMES MAIN DIXON, M.A., F.R.S.E., which + may prove a useful guide to benighted foreigners in assisting + them to solve the usual British vagaries of speech; like the + commencement of the Dictionary, it is quite an "A1" book.</p> + + <p>"Dear Diary!" as one of Mr. F.C. PHILLIPS's heroines used to + address her little book, but DE LA RUE's are not "dear + Diaries," nor particularly cheap ones. This publisher is quite + the Artful Dodger in devising diaries in all shapes and sizes, + from the big pocket-book to the more insidious waistcoat-pocket + booklet,—"small by degrees, but beautifully less."</p> + + <p>"Here's to you, TOM SMITH!"—it's BROWN in the song, + but no matter,—"Here's to you," sings the Baron, "with + all my heart!" Your comic gutta-percha-faced Crackers are a + novelty; in fact, you've solved a difficulty by introducing + into our old Christmas Crackers several new features.</p> + + <p>This year the Baron gives the prize for pictorial amusement + to LOTHAR MEGGENDORFER (Gods! what a name!), who, assisted by + his publishers, GREVEL & CO., has produced an irresistibly + funny book of movable figures, entitled <i>Comic Actors</i>. + What these coloured actors do is so moving, that the spectators + will be in fits of chuckling. Recommended, says THE BARON DE + BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>"WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS."</h2> + + <p>ARGUMENT.—EDWIN has taken ANGELINA, his + <i>fiancée</i>, to an entertainment by a Mesmerist, and, + wishing to set his doubts at rest, has gone upon the platform, + and placed himself entirely at the Mesmerist's disposition. On + rejoining ANGELINA, she has insisted upon being taken home + immediately, and has cried all the way back in the + hansom—much to EDWIN's perplexity. They are alone + together, in a Morning-room; ANGELINA is still sobbing in an + arm-chair, and EDWIN is rubbing his ear as he stands on the + hearthrug.</p> + + <p><i>Edwin</i>. I say, ANGELINA, don't go on like this, or we + shall have somebody coming in! I wouldn't have gone up if I'd + known it would upset you like this; but I only wanted to make + quite sure that the whole thing was humbug, + and—(<i>complacently</i>)—I rather think I settled + that.</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>in choked accents</i>). You settled + that?—but <i>how?</i>... Oh, go away—I can't bear + to think of it all! [<i>Fresh outburst.</i></p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> You're a little nervous, darling, that's + all—and you see, I'm all right. I felt a little drowsy + once, but I knew perfectly well what I was about all the + time.</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>with a bound</i>). You knew?—then you + <i>were</i> pretending—and you call that a good joke! + <i>Oh!</i></p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> Hardly pretending. I just sat still, with my eyes + shut, and the fellow stroked my face a bit. I waited to see if + anything would come of it—and nothing did, that's all. At + least, I'm not aware that I did anything peculiar. In fact, I'm + <i>certain</i> I didn't. (<i>Uneasily.</i>) Eh, ANGELINA?</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>indistinctly, owing to her face being buried + in cushions</i>). If you d-d-d-on't really know, you'd + bub-bub-better-not ask—but I believe you do—quite + well!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> Look here, ANGIE, if I behaved at all out of the + common, it's just as well that I should know it. I don't + recollect it, that's all. Do pull yourself together, and tell + me all about it.</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>sitting up</i>). Very well—if you will + have it, you must. But you can't really have forgotten how you + stood before the footlights, making the most horrible faces, as + if you were in front of a looking-glass. All those other + creatures were doing it, too; but, oh, EDWIN, yours were far + the ugliest—they haunt me still.... I mustn't think of + them—I won't! [<i>Buries her face again.</i></p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>reddening painfully</i>). No, I + say—<i>did</i> I? not really—without humbug, + ANGELINA!</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> <i>You</i> know best if it was without humbug! + And, after that, he gave you a glass of cuc-cod-liver oil, + and—and pup-pup-paraffin, and you dud-drank it up, and + asked for more, and said it was the bub-bub-best Scotch whiskey + you ever tasted. You oughtn't even to <i>know</i> about Scotch + whiskey!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> I can't know much if I did <i>that</i>. Odd I + shouldn't remember it, though. Was that all?</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> Oh, no. After that you sang—a dreadful + song—and pretended to accompany yourself on a broom. + EDWIN, you know you did; you can't deny it!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> I—I didn't know I <i>could</i> sing; + and—did you say on a broom? It's bad enough for me + already, ANGELINA, without <i>howling</i>! Well, I + sang—and what then?</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> Then he put out a cane with a silver top close + to your face, and you squinted at it, and followed it about + everywhere with your nose; you <i>must</i> have known how + utterly idiotic you looked!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>dropping into a chair</i>). Not at the + time.... Well, go on, ANGELINA; let's have it all. What + next?</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> Next? Oh, next he told you you were the Champion + Acrobat of the World, and you began to strike foolish + attitudes, and turn great clumsy somersaults all over the + stage, and you always came down on the flat of your back!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> I <i>thought</i> I felt a trifle stiff. + Somersaults, eh? Anything else? (<i>With forced calm.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> I did think I should have <i>died</i> of shame + when you danced?</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> Oh, I <i>danced</i>, did I? + Hum—er—was I <i>alone</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> There were four other wretches dancing too, and + you imitated a ballet. You were dressed up in an artificial + wreath and a gug-gug-gauze skirt.</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>collapsing</i>). No?? I <i>wasn't</i>!... + Heavens! What a bounder I must have looked! But I say, ANGIE, + it was all <i>right</i>. I suppose? I mean to say I wasn't + exactly vulgar, or that sort of thing, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> Not vulgar? Oh, EDWIN? I can only say I was + truly thankful <i>Mamma</i> wasn't there!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>wincing</i>). Now, don't, ANGELINA it's quite + awful enough as it is. What beats me is how on earth I came to + <i>do</i> it all.</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> You see, EDWIN, I wouldn't have minded so much + if I had had the least idea you were like <i>that</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> Like that! Good Heavens. ANGIE, am I in the habit + of making hideous grimaces before a looking-glass? Do you + suppose I am given to over-indulgence in cod-liver oil and + whatever the other beastliness was? Am I acrobatic in my calmer + moments? Did you ever know me sing—with or without a + broom? I'm a shy man by nature (<i>pathetically</i>), more shy + than you <i>think</i>, perhaps,—and in my normal + condition, I should be the last person to prance about in a + gauze skirt for the amusement of a couple of hundred idiots? I + don't believe I did, either!</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>impressed by his evident sincerity</i>). But + you said you knew what you were about all the time!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> I thought so, then. Now—well, hang it, I + suppose there's more in this infernal Mesmerism than I fancied. + There, it's no use talking about it—it's done. + You—you won't mind shaking hands before I go, will you? + Just for the last time?</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>alarmed</i>). Why—where are you + going?</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>desperate</i>). Anywhere—go out and + start on a <i>ranche</i>, or something, or join the Colonial + Police force. Anything's better than staying on here after the + stupendous ass I've made of myself!</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> But—but, EDWIN, I daresay nobody + <i>noticed</i> it much.</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> According to you, I must have been a pretty + conspicuous object.</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> Yes—only, you see, I—I daresay + they'd only think you were a confederate or something—no, + I don't mean that—but, after all, indeed you didn't make + such <i>very</i> awful faces. I—I <i>liked</i> some of + them!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>incredulously</i>). But you said they haunted + you—and then the oil, and the somersaults, and the + ballet-dancing. No, it's no use, ANGELINA, I can see you'll + never get over this. It's better to part and have done with + it!</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>gradually retracting</i>). Oh, but listen. + I—I didn't mean quite all I said just now. I mixed things + up. It was really whiskey he gave you, only he <i>said</i> it + was paraffin, and so you wouldn't drink it, and you <i>did</i> + sing, but it was only about some place where an old horse died, + and it was somebody else who had the broom! And you didn't + dance nearly so much as the others, and—and whatever you + did, you were never in the least ridiculous. + (<i>Earnestly</i>). You weren't, <i>really</i>, EDWIN!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>relieved</i>). Well. I thought you must have + been exaggerating a little. Why, look here, for all you know, + you may have been mistaking somebody else for me all the + time—don't you see?</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> I—I am almost sure I did, now. Yes, why, + of course—how stupid I have been! It was someone very + like you—not you at all!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>resentfully</i>). Well, I must say, ANGELINA, + that to give a fellow a fright like this, all for + nothing—</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> Yes—yes, it was all for nothing, it was so + silly of me. Forgive me, EDWIN, please!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>still aggrieved</i>). I know for a fact that + I didn't so much as leave my chair, and to say I <i>danced</i>, + ANGELINA!</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>eagerly</i>). But I <i>don't</i>. I remember + now, you sat perfectly still the whole time, he—he said + he could do nothing with you, don't you recollect? + (<i>Aside.</i>) Oh, what stories I'm telling!</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>with recovered dignity</i>). Of course I + recollect—perfectly. Well, ANGELINA, I'm not + <i>annoyed</i>, of course, darling; but another time, you + should really try to observe more closely what <i>is</i> done + and who <i>does</i> it—before making all this fuss about + nothing.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page281" + id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> But you won't go and be mesmerised again, + EDWIN—not after this?</p> + + <p><i>Ed.</i> Well, you see, as I always said, it hasn't the + slightest effect on me. But from what I observed, I am + perfectly satisfied that the whole thing is a fraud. All those + other fellows were obviously accomplices, or they'd never have + gone through such absurd antics—would they now?</p> + + <p><i>Ang.</i> (<i>meekly</i>). No, dear, of course not. But + don't let's talk any more about it. There are so many things + it's no use trying to explain.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Hand-book to Honesty.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. VII.—SELLING A HORSE.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/281.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/281.png" + alt="Selling a horse." /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE I.—<i>A Horse-Sale. Inexperienced Person, in + search of a cheap but sound animal for business purposes, + looking on in a nervous and undecided manner, half tempted + to bid for the horse at present under the hammer. To him + approaches a grave and closely-shaven personage, in black + garments, of clerical cut, a dirty-white tie, and a crush + felt hat.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Clerical Gent</i>. They are running that flea-bitten grey + up pretty well, are they not. Sir?</p> + + <p><i>Inexperienced Person</i>. Ahem! ye-es, I suppose they + are. I—er—was half thinking of bidding myself, but + it's going a bit beyond me, I fear.</p> + + <p><i>C.G.</i> Ah, plant, Sir—to speak the language of + these horsey vulgarians—a regular plant! You are better + out of it, believe me.</p> + + <p><i>I.P.</i> <i>In</i>-deed! You don't say so?</p> + + <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>sighing</i>). Only too true. Sir. + Why—(<i>in a gush of confidence</i>)—look at my own + case. Being obliged to leave the country, and give up my + carriage, I put my horse into this sale, at a <i>very</i> low + reserve of twenty pounds. (<i>Entre nous</i>, it's worth at + least double that.) Between the Auctioneer, and a couple of + rascally horse-dealers—who I found out, by pure accident, + wanted my animal particularly <i>for a match pair</i>—the + sale of my horse is what <i>they</i> call "bunnicked up." + <i>Then</i> they come to me, and offer me money. I spot their + game, and am so indignant that I'll have nothing to do with + them, at <i>any</i> price. Wouldn't sell dear old <i>Bogey</i>, + whom my wife and children are so fond of, to such brutal + blackguards, on <i>any</i> consideration. No, Sir, the horse + has done me good service—a sounder nag never walked on + four hoofs; and I'd rather sell it to a good, kind master, for + twenty pounds, aye, or even eighteen, than let these rascals + have it, though they <i>have</i> run up as high as thirty + q——, ahem! guineas.</p> + + <p><i>I.P.</i> Have they indeed, now? And what have you done + with the horse?</p> + + <p><i>C.G.</i> Put it into livery close by, Sir. And, unless I + can find a good master for it, by Jove, I'll take it back + again, and <i>give it away to a friend</i>. Perhaps, Sir, you'd + like to have a look at the animal. The stables are only in the + next street, and—as a friend, and with no eye to + business—I should be pleased to show poor <i>Bogey</i> to + anyone so sympathetic as yourself.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>I.P., after some further chat of a friendly nature, + agrees to go and "run his eye over him."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE II.—<i>Greengrocer's yard at side of a seedy + house in a shabby street, slimy and straw-bestrewn. Yard is + paved with lumpy, irregular cobbles, and some sooty and + shaky-looking sheds stand at the bottom thereof. Enter + together</i>, Clerical Gent <i>and</i> Inexperienced + Person.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>smiling apologetically</i>). Not exactly + palatial premises for an animal used to <i>my</i> stables at + Wickham-in-the-Wold! But I know these people, Sir; they are + kind as Christians, and as honest as the day. Hoy! TOM! TOM!! + TOM!!! Are you there, TOM? [<i>From the shed emerges a very + small boy with very short hair, and a very long livery, several + sizes too large for him, the tail of the brass-buttoned coat + and the bottoms of the baggy trousers alike sweeping the + cobbles as he shambles forward</i>]. (C.G. <i>genially</i>.) + Ah, there you are, TOM, my lad. Bring out dear old + <i>Bogey</i>, and show it to my friend here. [<i>Boy leads out + a rusty roan Rosinante, high in bone, and low in flesh, with + prominent hocks, and splay hoofs, which stumble gingerly over + the cobbles.</i>] (<i>Patting the horse affectionately.</i>) + Ah, poor old <i>Bogey</i>, he doesn't like these lumpy stones, + does he? Not used to them, Sir. My stable-yard at + Wickham-in-the-Wold, is as smoothly paved as—as the + Alhambra, Sir. I always <i>consider</i> my animals, Sir. A + merciful man is merciful to his beast, as the good book says. + But <i>isn't</i> he a Beauty?</p> + + <p><i>I.P.</i> Well—ahem!—ye-es; he looks a kind, + gentle, steady sort of a creature. But—ahem!—what's + the matter with his knees?</p> + + <p><i>C.G.</i> Oh, nothing, Sir, nothing at all. Only a habit + he has got <i>along of kind treatment</i>. Like us when we + "stand at ease," you know, a bit baggy, that's all. You should + see him after a twenty miles spin along our Wickham roads, when + my wife and I are doing a round of visits among the + neighbouring gentry. Ah, <i>Bogey, Bogey</i>, old + boy—<i>kissing his nose</i>—I don't know what Mrs. + G. and the girls will say when they hear I've parted with + you—if I do, <i>if</i> I do.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Enter two horsey-looking Men as though in search of + something.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Horsey Man</i>. Ah, here you are. Well, look 'ere, + are you going to take Thirty Pounds for that horse o' yourn? + Yes or No!</p> + + <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>turning upon them with dignity</i>). + <i>No</i>, Sir; most emphatically <i>No!</i> I've told you + before I will not sell him to you at <i>any</i> price. Have the + goodness to leave us—<i>at once</i>, I'm engaged with my + friend here.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Horsey Men turn away despondently. Enter hurriedly, + a shabby-looking</i> Groom.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Groom</i>. Oh, look here, + Mister—er—er—wot's yer name? His Lordship + wants to know whether you'll take his offer of Thirty-five + Pounds—<i>or</i> Guineas—for that roan. He wouldn't + offer as much, only it happens jest to match—</p> + + <p><i>C.G.</i> (<i>with great decisiveness</i>). Inform his + Lordship, with my compliments, that I regret to be entirely + unable to entertain his proposition.</p> + + <p><i>Groom</i>. Oh, <i>very</i> well. But I wish you'd jest + step out and tell his Lordship so yerself. He's jest round the + corner at the 'otel entrance, a flicking of his boots, as + irritated as a blue-bottle caught in a cowcumber frame.</p> + + <p><i>C.G.</i> Oh, <i>certainly</i>, with pleasure. (<i>To</i> + I.P.) If you'll excuse me, Sir, just one moment, I'll step out + and speak to his Lordship.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit, followed by</i> Groom.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Horsey Person</i> (<i>making a rush at</i> I.P. <i>as + soon as</i> C.G. <i>has disappeared, speaking in a breathless + hurry</i>). Now lookye here, guv'nor—sharp's the word! + He'll be back in arf a jiff. <i>You buy that 'oss!</i> He won't + sell it to <i>us</i>, bust 'im; but you've got 'im in a string, + you 'ave. He'll sell it to <i>you</i> for eighteen + quid—p'raps sixteen. <i>Buy</i> it, Sir, buy it! We'll be + outside, by the pub at the corner, my pal and me, + and—(<i>producing notes</i>)—we'll take it off you + agen for <i>thirty pounds</i>, and glad o' the charnce. We want + it pertikler, we do, and you can 'elp us, and put ten quid in + your own pocket too as easy as be blowed. Ah! here he is! Mum's + the word! Round the corner by the pub! [<i>Exeunt + hurriedly.</i></p> + + <p><i>Clerical Gent</i> (<i>blandly</i>). Ah! <i>that's</i> + settled. His Lordship was angry, but I was firm. Take + <i>Bogey</i> back to the stable, TOM—<i>unless</i>, of + course—(<i>looking significantly at</i> Inexperienced + Person).</p> + + <p><i>Inexperienced Person</i> (<i>hesitating</i>). Well, I'm + not sure but what the animal would suit me, + and—ahem!—if you care to trust it to me—</p> + + <p><i>Clerical Gent</i> (<i>joyously</i>). Trust it to + <i>you</i>, Sir? Why, with pleasure, with every confidence. + Dear old <i>Bogey</i>! He'll be happy with such a + master—ah, and do him service too. I tell you, Sir, that + horse, to a quiet, considerate sort o' gent like yourself, who + wants to <i>work</i> his animal, not to wear it out, is worth + forty pound, every penny of it—and cheap at the + price!</p> + + <p><i>I.P.</i> Thanks! And—ah—what <i>is</i> the + figure?</p> + + <p><i>C.G.</i> Why—ah—eighteen—no, dash + it!—sixteen <i>to you</i>, and say no more about it.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Inexperienced Person <i>closes with the offer, hands + notes to</i> Clerical Gent (<i>who, under pressure of + business, hurries off</i>), <i>takes</i> Bogey <i>from the + grinning groom-lad, leads him—with + difficulty—out into the street, searches vainly for + the two horsey Men, who, like "his Lordship," have utterly + and finally disappeared, and finds himself left alone in a + bye-thoroughfare with a "horse," which he cannot get along + anyhow, and which he is presently glad to part with to a + knacker for thirty shillings.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page282" + id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/282.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/282.png" + alt="<h3>Triumphs of the Funny Man." /></a> + + <h3>TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN.</h3><i>Hired Waiter</i> + (<i>handling the liqueurs</i>). "<i>PLEASE</i>, SIR, + <i>DON'T</i> MAKE ME LAUGH—I SHALL SPILL 'EM ALL!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WRITE AND WRONG.</h2> + + <p>As so many private letters are sold at public sales + nowadays, it has become necessary to consider the purport of + every epistle regarded, so to speak, from a <i>post-mortem</i> + point of view. If a public man expresses a confidential opinion + in the fulness of his heart to an intimate friend, or proposes + an act of charity to a cherished relative, he may rest assured + that, sooner or later, both communications will be published to + an unsympathetic and autograph-hunting world. Under these + circumstances it may be well to answer the simplest + communications in the most guarded manner possible. For + instance, a reply to a tender of hospitality might run as + follows:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Private and Confidential. Not negotiable.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. DASH BLANK has much pleasure in accepting Mr. BLANK + DASH's invitation to dinner on the 8th inst.</p> + + <p><i>N.B.—This letter is the property of the Writer. Not + for publication. All rights reserved.</i></p> + + <p>Or, if the writer feels that his letter, if it gets into the + hands of the executors, will be sold, he must adopt another + plan. It will be then his object to so mix up abuse of the + possible vendors with ordinary matter, that they (the possible + vendors) may shrink, after the death of the recipient, from + making their own condemnation public. The following may serve + as a model for a communication of this character. The words + printed in italics in the body of the letter are the antidotal + abuse introduced to prevent a posthumous sale by possible + executors.</p> + + <p><i>Private and Confidential. Not to be published. Signature + a forgery.</i></p> + + <blockquote> + <p>DEAR OLD MAN,—I nearly completed my book. <i>Your + nephew</i>, TOM LESLEIGH, <i>is an ass.</i> My wife is + slowly recovering from influenza. <i>Your Aunt</i>, JANE + JENKINS, <i>wears a wig.</i> TOMMY, you will be glad to + learn, has come out first of twenty in his new class at + school. <i>Your Uncle</i>, BENJAMIN GRAHAM, <i>is a + twaddling old bore.</i> I am thinking of spending the + Midsummer holidays with the boys and their mother at + Broadstairs. <i>Your Cousin</i>, JACK JUGGERLY, <i>is a + sweep that doesn't belong to a single respectable Club.</i> + Trusting that you will burn this letter, to prevent its + sale after we are gone,</p> + + <p>I remain, yours affectionately,</p> + + <p>BOBBY.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>N.B.—The foregoing letter is the property of the + Author, and, as it is only intended for private circulation, + must not be printed. Solicitors address,—Ely + Place</i>.</p> + + <p>But perhaps the best plan will be, not to write at all. The + telegraph, at the end of the century, costs but a halfpenny a + word, and we seem to be within measurable distance of the + universal adoption of the telephone. Under these circumstances, + it is easy to take heed of the warning contained in that + classical puzzle of our childhood, <i>Litera scripta + manet</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A QUESTION OF TASTE.</h2> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. Well, Madam, what can I do for you?</p> + + <p><i>Female</i> (<i>of Uncertain Age, gushingly</i>). A very + great favour, my dear Sir; it is a matter of sanitation.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> (<i>coldly</i>). I am at your service, Madam, + but I would remind you that I have no time to listen to + frivolous complaints.</p> + + <p><i>Fem.</i> I would ask you—do you think that a + building open to the public should be crowded with double as + many persons as it can conveniently hold?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> Depends upon circumstances, Madam. It might + possibly be excusable in a Church, assuming that the means of + egress were sufficient. Of what building do you wish to + complain?</p> + + <p><i>Fem.</i> Of the Old Bailey—you know, the Central + Criminal Court.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> Have you to object to the accommodation + afforded you in the Dock?</p> + + <p><i>Fem.</i> <i>I</i> was not in the Dock!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> (<i>dryly</i>). That is the only place (when + not in the Witness-Box) suitable for women at the Old Bailey. I + cannot imagine that they would go to that unhappy spot of their + own free will.</p> + + <p><i>Fem.</i> (<i>astonished</i>). Not to see a Murder trial? + Then you are evidently unaccustomed to ladies' society.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> (<i>severely</i>). I do not meet <i>ladies</i> + at the Old Bailey.</p> + + <p><i>Fem.</i> (<i>bridling up</i>). Indeed! But that is + nothing to do with the matter of the overcrowding. Fancy, with + our boasted civilisation—I was <i>half</i> stifled!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> It is a pity, with our boasted civilisation, + that you were not stifled—<i>quite!</i> + (<i>Severely.</i>) You can go!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Female retires, with an expression worthy of her + proper place—the Chamber of Horrors!</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page283" + id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/283.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/283.png" + alt="Distressed Hibernia." /></a> + + <h3>IN DIFFICULTIES!</h3> + Distressed Hibernia. "If your tandem leader turns vicious, + and kicks over the traces,—where are you?" + </div> + + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page285" + id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/285-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/285-1.png" + alt="Taking it coolly." /></a> + + <h3>TAKING IT COOLLY.</h3><i>Old Gent</i> (<i>out for a + quiet ride with the Devon and Somerset</i>). "CONFOUND + THESE HARD-RIDING YOUNG RASCALS, THEY'LL BE SMASHING MY HAT + ONE OF THESE DAYS!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>NONOGENARIAN NONSENSE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Compiled à la Mode.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:10%;"> + <a href="images/285-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/285-2.png" + alt="The Nonogenarian." /></a> + </div> + + <p>I have so often been urged by my friends to write my + autobiography, that at length I have taken up my pen to comply + with their wishes. My memory, although I may occasionally + become slightly mixed, is still excellent, and having been born + in the first year of the present century I consequently can + remember both the Plague and Fire of London. The latter is + memorable to me as having been the cause of my introduction to + Sir CHRISTOPHER WREN, an architect of some note, and an + intimate friend of Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS, and the late Mr. + TURNER, R.A. Sir CHRISTOPHER had but one failing—he was + never sober. To the day of his death he was under the + impression that St. Paul's was St. Peter's!</p> + + <p>One of my earliest recollections is the great physician + HARVEY, who, indeed, knew me from my birth. Although an + exceedingly able man, he was a confirmed glutton. He would at + the most ceremonious of dinner-parties push his way through the + guests (treating ladies and gentlemen with the like + discourtesy) and plumping himself down in front of the turtle + soup, would help himself to the entire contents of the tureen, + plus the green fat! During the last years of his life he + abandoned medicine to give his attention to cookery, and (so I + have been told) ultimately invented a fish sauce!</p> + + <p>I knew HOWARD, the so-called philanthropist, very well. He + was particularly fond of dress, although extremely economical + in his washing bill. It was his delight to visit the various + prisons and obtain a hideous pleasure in watching the tortures + of the poor wretches therein incarcerated. He was fined and + imprisoned for ill-treating a cat, if my memory does not play + me false. I have been told that he once stole a + pockethandkerchief, but at this distance of time cannot + remember where I heard the story.</p> + + <p>It is one of my proudest recollections that, in early youth, + I had the honour of being presented to her late most gracious + Majesty, Queen ANNE, of glorious memory. The drawing-room was + held at Buckingham Palace, which in those days was situated on + the site now occupied by Marlborough House. I accompanied my + mother, who wore, I remember, yellow brocade, and a wreath of + red roses, without feathers. Round the throne were + grouped—the Duke of MARLBOROUGH (who kept in the + background because he had just been defeated at Fontenoy), Lord + PALMERSTON, nick-named "Cupid" by Mistress NELL GWYNNE (a + well-known Court beauty), Mr. GARRICK, and Signor GRIMALDI, two + Actors of repute, and Cardinal WISEMAN, the Papal Nuncio. Her + Majesty was most gracious to me, and introduced me to one of + her predecessors, Queen ELIZABETH, a reputed daughter of King + HENRY THE EIGHTH. Both Ladies laughed heartily at my curls, + which in those days were more plentiful than they are now. I + was rather alarmed at their lurching forward as I passed them, + but was reassured when the Earl of ROCHESTER (the Lord + Chamberlain) whispered in my ear that the Royal relatives had + been lunching. As I left the presence, I noticed that both + their Majesties were fast asleep.</p> + + <p>I have just mentioned Lord ROCHESTER, whose acquaintance I + had the honour to possess. He was extremely austere, and very + much disliked by the fair sex. On one occasion it was my + privilege to clean his shoes. He had but one failing—he + habitually cheated at cards. I will now tell a few stories of + the like character about Bishop WILBERFORCE, THACKERAY, Mrs. + FRY, PEABODY, WALTER SCOTT, and Father MATTHEW.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[No you don't, my venerable twaddler!—ED.]</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LARGE CIGAR.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/285-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/285-3.png" + alt="Mr. Punch, smoking a cigar while ice-skating." /> + </a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You lie on the oaken mantle-shelf,</p> + + <p class="i2">A cigar of high degree,</p> + + <p>An old cigar, a large cigar,</p> + + <p class="i2">A cigar that was given to me.</p> + + <p>The house-flies bite you day by day—</p> + + <p class="i2">Bite you, and kick, and sigh—</p> + + <p>And I do not know what the insects say,</p> + + <p class="i2">But they creep away and die.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My friends they take you gently up,</p> + + <p class="i2">And lay you gently down;</p> + + <p>They never saw a weed so big,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or quite so deadly brown.</p> + + <p>They, as a rule, smoke anything</p> + + <p class="i2">They pick up free of charge;</p> + + <p>But they leave you to rest while the bulbuls + sing</p> + + <p class="i2">Through the night, my own, my large!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The dust lies thick on your bloated form,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the year draws to its close,</p> + + <p>And the baccy-jar's been emptied—by</p> + + <p class="i2">My laundress, I suppose.</p> + + <p>Smokeless and hopeless, with reeling brain,</p> + + <p class="i2">I turn to the oaken shelf,</p> + + <p>And take you down, while my hot tears rain,</p> + + <p class="i2">And smoke you, you brute, myself.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page286" + id="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/286.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/286.png" + alt="Parnell's Parliamentary Puppetrs." /></a> + + <h3>PARNELL'S PARLIAMENTARY PUPPETS. THE STRINGS IN A + TANGLE!</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page287" + id="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/287-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/287-1.png" + alt="LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M.C.C. GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY." /> + </a> + + <h3>LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M.C.C. GO OUT TO MEET THE + ENEMY.</h3>"Sir EDWARD WATKIN proposes to construct a + Railway passing through Lord's Cricket Ground." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, December 1.</i>—Tithes + Bill down for Second Reading. GRAND YOUNG GARDNER places + Amendment on the paper, which secures for him opportunity of + making a speech. Having availed himself of this, did not move + his Amendment; opening thus made for STUART-RENDEL, who had + another Amendment on the paper. Would he move it? Only + excitement of Debate settled round this point. Under good old + Tory Government new things in Parliamentary procedure + constantly achieved. Supposing half-a-dozen Members got + together, drew up a number of Amendments, then ballot for + precedence, they might arrange Debate without interposition of + SPEAKER. First man gets off his speech, omits to move + Amendment: second would come on, and so on, on to the end of + list. But STUART-RENDEL moved Amendment, and on this Debate + turned.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/287-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/287-2.png" + alt="Osborne Ap Morgan." /></a>Osborne Ap Morgan. + </div> + + <p>Not very lively affair, regarded as reflex of passionate + protestation of angry little Wales. OSBORNE AP MORGAN made + capital speech, but few remained to listen. Welshmen at outset + meant to carry Debate over to next day; couldn't be done; and + by half-past eleven, STUART-RENDEL's Amendment negatived by + rattling majority.</p> + + <p>Fact is, gallant little Wales was swamped by irruptive + Ireland. To-day, first meeting of actual Home Rule Parliament + held, and everybody watching its course. This historic meeting + gathered in Committee-room No. 15; question purely one of Home + Rule; decided, after some deliberation, that, in order to have + proceedings in due dramatic form, there should be incorporated + with the meeting an eviction scene. After prolonged Debate, + concluded that, to do the thing thoroughly, they should select + PARNELL as subject of eviction.</p> + + <p>"No use," TIM HEALY said, "in half-doing the thing. The eyes + of the Universe are fixed upon us. Let us give them a show for + their money."</p> + + <p>PARNELL, at first, demurred; took exception on the ground + that, as he had no fixed place of residence, he was not + convenient subject for eviction; objection over-ruled; then + PARNELL insisted that, if he yielded on this point, he must + preside over proceedings. TIM and the rest urged that it was + not usual, when a man's conduct is under consideration upon a + grave charge, that he should take the Chair. Drawing upon the + resources of personal observation, Dr. TANNER remarked that he + did not remember any case in which the holder of a tenure, + suffering process of eviction, bossed the concern, acting + simultaneously, as it were, as the subject of the eviction + process, and the resident Magistrate.</p> + + <p>Whilst conversation going on, PARNELL had unobserved taken + the Chair, and now ruled Dr. TANNER out of order.</p> + + <p>House sat at Twelve o'Clock; at One the Speaker (Mr. + PARNELL), interrupting SEXTON in passage of passionate + eloquence, said he thought this would be convenient opportunity + for going out to his chop. So he went off; Debate interrupted + for an hour; resumed at One, and continued, with brief + intervals for refreshment, up till close upon midnight. + Proceedings conducted with closed doors, but along the + corridor, from time to time, rolled echoes which seemed to + indicate that the first meeting of the Home-Rule Parliament was + not lacking inanimation.</p> + + <p>"I think they <i>are</i> a little 'eated, Sir," said the + policeman on duty outside. "Man and boy I've been in charge of + this beat for twenty years; usually a quiet spot; this sudden + row rather trying for one getting up in years. Do you think, + Sir, that, seeing it's an eviction, the Police can under the + Act claim Compensation for Disturbance?"</p> + + <p>Promised to put question on subject to JOKIM.</p> + + <p>Long dispute on point of order raised by NOLAN. TIM HEALY + referring to difficulty of dislodging PARNELL, alluded to him + as "Sitting Bull." Clamour from Parnellite section anxious for + preservation of decency of debate. Speaker said, question most + important. Irish Parliament in its infancy; above all things + essential <span class="pagenum"><a name="page288" + id="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span> they should well consider + precedents. Must reserve decision as to whether the phrase + was Parliamentary; would suggest, therefore, that House + should adjourn five weeks. On this point Debate proceeded up + to midnight.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In British Parliament Tithes + Bill read a Second Time; in Irish (which sat four hours + longer), None.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Cork Parliament still sitting upstairs + in Committee Room No. 15, debating question of adjournment. We + hear them occasionally through open doors and down long + corridor. Once a tremendous yell shook building.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/288-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-1.png" + alt="Caleb Balder(Glad)stone." /></a>Caleb + Balder(Glad)stone finding all that was left of the + lost Leader, P-rn-ll. + </div> + + <p>"What's that?" I asked DICK POWER, who happened to be taking + glass of sherry-wine at Bar in Lobby.</p> + + <p>"That," said RICHARD, "is the Irish wolves crying for the + blood of PARNELL," and DICK, tossing down his sherry-wine, as + if he had a personal quarrel with it, hurried back to the + shambles.</p> + + <p>Quite a changed man! No longer the <i>débonnaire</i> DICK, + whose light heart and high spirits made him a favourite + everywhere. Politics have suddenly become a serious thing, and + DICK POWER is saddened with them.</p> + + <p>"I take bitters with my sherry-wine now," DICK mentioned + just now in sort of apologetic way at having been discovered, + as it were, feasting in the house of mourning. "At the present + sad juncture, to drink sherry-wine with all its untamed + richness might, I feel, smack of callousness. Therefore I tell + the man to dash it with bitters, which, whilst it has a + penitential sound, adds a not untoothsome flavour in + anticipation of dinner."</p> + + <p>Even with this small comfort ten years added to his age; + grey hairs gleam among his hyacinthine locks; his back is bent; + his shoes are clogged with lead. A sad sight; makes one wish + the pitiful business was over, and RICHARD himself again.</p> + + <p>All the best of the Irish Members, whether Cavaliers or + Cromwellians, are depressed in same way. Came upon SWIFT + MacNEILL in retired recess in Library this afternoon; standing + up with right hand in trouser-pocket, and left hand extended + (his favourite oratorical attitude in happier times) smiling in + really violent fashion.</p> + + <p>"What are you playing at?" I asked him, noticing with + curiosity that whilst his mouth was, so to speak, wreathed in + smiles, a tear dewed the fringe of his closed eyelids.</p> + + <p>"Ah, TOBY, is that you?" he said, "I didn't see you coming. + The fact is I came over here by myself to have me last + smile."</p> + + <p>"Well, you're making the most of it," I said, wishing to + encourage him.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/288-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-2.png" + alt="The Last Smile." /></a>The Last Smile. + </div> + + <p>"I generally do, and as this is me last, I'm not stinting + measurement. They're sad times we've fallen on. Just when it + seemed victory was within our grasp it is snatched away, and we + are, as one may say, flung on the dunghill amid the wreck of + our country's hopes and aspirations. This is not a time to make + merry. Me country's ruined, and SWIFT MacNEILL smiles no + more."</p> + + <p>With that he shut up his jaws with a snap, and strode off. + I'm sorry he should take the matter to heart so seriously. We + shall miss that smile.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Irish Land Bill in British + Parliament. Cork Parliament still sitting.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Cork Parliament still sitting; + PARNELL predominant; issues getting a little mixed; understood + that Session summoned to decide whether, in view of certain + proceedings before Mr. Justice BUTT, PARNELL should be + permitted to retain Leadership. Everything been discussed but + that. Things got so muddled up, that O'KEEFE, walking about, + bowed with anxious thought, not quite certain whether it is TIM + HEALY, SEXTON, or JUSTIN McCARTHY, who was involved in recent + Divorce suit. Certainly, it couldn't have been PARNELL, who + to-day suggests that the opportunity is fitting for putting Mr. + G. in a tight place.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/288-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-3.png" + alt="Weighed down with Thought." /></a>Weighed down + with Thought. + </div> + + <p>"You go to him," says PARNELL, "and demand certain pledges + on Home Rule scheme. If he does not consent, he will be in a + hole; threatened with loss of Irish Vote. You will be in a + dilemma, as you cannot then side with him against me, the real + friend of Ireland; whilst I shall be confirmed in my position + as the only possible Leader of the Party. If, on the contrary, + this unrivalled sophist is drawn into anything like a + declaration that will satisfy you in the face of the Irish + People, he will be hopelessly embarrassed with his English + friends; I shall have paid off an old score, and can afford to + retire from the Leadership, certain that in a few months the + Irish People will clamour for the return of the man who showed + that, if only he could serve them, he was ready to sacrifice + his personal position and advantages. Don't, Gentlemen, let us, + at a crisis like this, descend to topics of mere personality. + In spite of what has passed at this table, I should like to + shield my honourable friends, Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, Mr. SEXTON, + and that <i>beau idéal</i> of an Irish Member, Mr. JUSTIN + McCARTHY, from references, of a kind peculiarly painful to + them, to certain proceedings in a court of law with respect to + which I will, before I sit down, say this, that, if all the + facts were known, they would be held absolutely free from + imputation of irregularity."</p> + + <p>General cheering greeted this speech. Members shook hands + all round, and nominated Committee to go off and make things + hot for Mr. G. <i>Business done</i>.—In British House + Prince ARTHUR expounded Scheme for Relief of Irish + Distress.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—A dark shadow falls on House to-day. + Mrs. PEEL died this morning, and our SPEAKER sits by a lonely + hearth, OLD MORALITY, in his very best style, speaking with the + simple language of a kind heart, voices the prevalent feeling. + Mr. G., always at his best on these occasions, adds some words, + though, as he finely says, any expression of sympathy is but + inadequate medicine for so severe a hurt. Members reverently + uncover whilst these brief speeches are made. That is a + movement shown only when a Royal Message is read; and here is + mention of a Message from the greatest and final King. Mrs. + PEEL, though the wife of the First Commoner in the land, was + not <i>une grande dame</i>. She was a kindly, homely lady, of + unaffected manner, with keen sympathies for all that was bright + and good. Every Member feels that something is lost to the + House of Commons now that she lies still in her chamber at + Speaker's Court.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE DRAMA ON CRUTCHES.—A Mr. GREIN has suggested, + according to some Friday notes in the <i>D.T.</i>, a scheme for + subsidising a theatre and founding a Dramatic School. The + latter, apparently, is not to aid the healthy but the decrepit + drama, as it is intended "to afford succour to old or disabled + actors and actresses." Why then call it a "Dramatic School?" + Better style it, a "Dramatic-Second-Infancy-School."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DEATH IN THE FIELD.—If things go on as they have been + going lately, the statisticians who compile the "Public Health" + averages will have to include, as one important item in their + "Death Rates," the ravages of that annual epidemic popularly + known as—Football!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"JUSTICE FOR IRELAND!"—The contest on the Chairmanship + of the Irish Parliamentary Party may be summed + up:—PARNELL—Just out, McCARTHY Just in.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12905 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |