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diff --git a/12803-0.txt b/12803-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..21cde7a --- /dev/null +++ b/12803-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3664 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12803 *** + + HEADLONG HALL + + by + + Thomas Love Peacock + + + + + Contents + + Preface + + I. The Mail + II. The Squire--The Breakfast + III. The Arrivals + IV. The Grounds + V. The Dinner + VI. The Evening + VII. The Walk + VIII. The Tower + IX. The Sexton + X. The Skull + XI. The Anniversary + XII. The Lecture + XIII. The Ball + XIV. The Proposals + XV. The Conclusion + + + + + All philosophers, who find + Some favourite system to their mind, + In every point to make it fit, + Will force all nature to submit. + + + + + + + P R E F A C E + + to + + "Headlong Hall" and the three novels + published along with it in 1837. + + -------- + + +All these little publications appeared originally without prefaces. I +left them to speak for themselves; and I thought I might very fitly +preserve my own impersonality, having never intruded on the +personality of others, nor taken any liberties but with public conduct +and public opinions. But an old friend assures me, that to publish a +book without a preface is like entering a drawing-room without making +a bow. In deference to this opinion, though I am not quite clear of +its soundness, I make my prefatory bow at this eleventh hour. + +"Headlong Hall" was written in 1815; "Nightmare Abbey" in 1817; "Maid +Marian", with the exception of the last three chapters, in 1818; +"Crotchet Castle" in 1830. I am desirous to note the intervals, +because, at each of those periods, things were true, in great matters +and in small, which are true no longer. "Headlong Hall" begins with +the Holyhead Mail, and "Crotchet Castle" ends with a rotten borough. +The Holyhead mail no longer keeps the same hours, nor stops at the +Capel Cerig Inn, which the progress of improvement has thrown out of +the road; and the rotten boroughs of 1830 have ceased to exist, though +there are some very pretty pocket properties, which are their worthy +successors. But the classes of tastes, feelings, and opinions, which +were successively brought into play in these little tales, remain +substantially the same. Perfectibilians, deteriorationists, +statu-quo-ites, phrenologists, transcendentalists, political +economists, theorists in all sciences, projectors in all arts, morbid +visionaries, romantic enthusiasts, lovers of music, lovers of the +picturesque, and lovers of good dinners, march, and will march for +ever, _pari passu_ with the march of mechanics, which some facetiously +call the march of the intellect. The fastidious in old wine are a race +that does not decay. Literary violators of the confidences of private +life still gain a disreputable livelihood and an unenviable notoriety. +Match-makers from interest, and the disappointed in love and in +friendship, are varieties of which specimens are extant. The great +principle of the Right of Might is as flourishing now as in the days +of Maid Marian: the array of false pretensions, moral, political, and +literary, is as imposing as ever: the rulers of the world still feel +things in their effects, and never foresee them in their causes: and +political mountebanks continue, and will continue, to puff nostrums +and practise legerdemain under the eyes of the multitude: following, +like the "learned friend" of Crotchet Castle, a course as tortuous as +that of a river, but in a reverse process; beginning by being dark and +deep, and ending by being transparent. + + +The Author of "Headlong Hall". + +_March_ 4, 1837. + + + + + + + H E A D L O N G H A L L + + ---*--- + + CHAPTER I + The Mail + + +The ambiguous light of a December morning, peeping through the windows +of the Holyhead mail, dispelled the soft visions of the four insides, +who had slept, or seemed to sleep, through the first seventy miles of +the road, with as much comfort as may be supposed consistent with the +jolting of the vehicle, and an occasional admonition to _remember the +coachman_, thundered through the open door, accompanied by the gentle +breath of Boreas, into the ears of the drowsy traveller. + +A lively remark, that _the day was none of the finest_, having +elicited a repartee of _quite the contrary_, the various knotty points +of meteorology, which usually form the exordium of an English +conversation, were successively discussed and exhausted; and, the ice +being thus broken, the colloquy rambled to other topics, in the course +of which it appeared, to the surprise of every one, that all four, +though perfect strangers to each other, were actually bound to the +same point, namely, Headlong Hall, the seat of the ancient and +honourable family of the Headlongs, of the vale of Llanberris, in +Caernarvonshire. This name may appear at first sight not to be truly +Cambrian, like those of the Rices, and Prices, and Morgans, and Owens, +and Williamses, and Evanses, and Parrys, and Joneses; but, +nevertheless, the Headlongs claim to be not less genuine derivatives +from the antique branch of Cadwallader than any of the last named +multiramified families. They claim, indeed, by one account, superior +antiquity to all of them, and even to Cadwallader himself, a tradition +having been handed down in Headlong Hall for some few thousand years, +that the founder of the family was preserved in the deluge on the +summit of Snowdon, and took the name of Rhaiader, which signifies a +_waterfall_, in consequence of his having accompanied the water in its +descent or diminution, till he found himself comfortably seated on the +rocks of Llanberris. But, in later days, when commercial bagmen began +to scour the country, the ambiguity of the sound induced his +descendants to drop the suspicious denomination of _Riders_, and +translate the word into English; when, not being well pleased with the +sound of the _thing_, they substituted that of the _quality_, and +accordingly adopted the name _Headlong_, the appropriate epithet of +waterfall. + + I cannot tell how the truth may be: + I say the tale as 'twas said to me. + +The present representative of this ancient and dignified house, Harry +Headlong, Esquire, was, like all other Welsh squires, fond of +shooting, hunting, racing, drinking, and other such innocent +amusements, _meizonos d' allou tinos_, as Menander expresses it. But, +unlike other Welsh squires, he had actually suffered certain +phenomena, called books, to find their way into his house; and, by +dint of lounging over them after dinner, on those occasions when he +was compelled to take his bottle alone, he became seized with a +violent passion to be thought a philosopher and a man of taste; and +accordingly set off on an expedition to Oxford, to inquire for other +varieties of the same genera, namely, men of taste and philosophers; +but, being assured by a learned professor that there were no such +things in the University, he proceeded to London, where, after beating +up in several booksellers' shops, theatres, exhibition-rooms, and +other resorts of literature and taste, he formed as extensive an +acquaintance with philosophers and dilettanti as his utmost ambition +could desire: and it now became his chief wish to have them all +together in Headlong Hall, arguing, over his old Port and Burgundy, +the various knotty points which had puzzled his pericranium. He had, +therefore, sent them invitations in due form to pass their Christmas +at Headlong Hall; which invitations the extensive fame of his kitchen +fire had induced the greater part of them to accept; and four of the +chosen guests had, from different parts of the metropolis, ensconced +themselves in the four corners of the Holyhead mail. + +These four persons were, Mr Foster[1.1], the perfectibilian; Mr +Escot[1.2], the deteriorationist; Mr Jenkison[1.3], the statu-quo-ite; +and the Reverend Doctor Gaster[1.4], who, though of course neither a +philosopher nor a man of taste, had so won on the Squire's fancy, by a +learned dissertation on the art of stuffing a turkey, that he +concluded no Christmas party would be complete without him. + +The conversation among these illuminati soon became animated; and Mr +Foster, who, we must observe, was a thin gentleman, about thirty years +of age, with an aquiline nose, black eyes, white teeth, and black +hair--took occasion to panegyrize the vehicle in which they were then +travelling, and observed what remarkable improvements had been made in +the means of facilitating intercourse between distant parts of the +kingdom: he held forth with great energy on the subject of roads and +railways, canals and tunnels, manufactures and machinery: "In short," +said he, "every thing we look on attests the progress of mankind in +all the arts of life, and demonstrates their gradual advancement +towards a state of unlimited perfection." + +Mr Escot, who was somewhat younger than Mr Foster, but rather more +pale and saturnine in his aspect, here took up the thread of the +discourse, observing, that the proposition just advanced seemed to him +perfectly contrary to the true state of the case: "for," said he, +"these improvements, as you call them, appear to me only so many links +in the great chain of corruption, which will soon fetter the whole +human race in irreparable slavery and incurable wretchedness: your +improvements proceed in a simple ratio, while the factitious wants and +unnatural appetites they engender proceed in a compound one; and thus +one generation acquires fifty wants, and fifty means of supplying them +are invented, which each in its turn engenders two new ones; so that +the next generation has a hundred, the next two hundred, the next four +hundred, till every human being becomes such a helpless compound of +perverted inclinations, that he is altogether at the mercy of external +circumstances, loses all independence and singleness of character, and +degenerates so rapidly from the primitive dignity of his sylvan +origin, that it is scarcely possible to indulge in any other +expectation, than that the whole species must at length be +exterminated by its own infinite imbecility and vileness." + +"Your opinions," said Mr Jenkison, a round-faced little gentleman of +about forty-five, "seem to differ _toto coelo_. I have often debated +the matter in my own mind, _pro_ and _con_, and have at length arrived +at this conclusion,--that there is not in the human race a tendency +either to moral perfectibility or deterioration; but that the +quantities of each are so exactly balanced by their reciprocal +results, that the species, with respect to the sum of good and evil, +knowledge and ignorance, happiness and misery, remains exactly and +perpetually _in statu quo_." + +"Surely," said Mr Foster, "you cannot maintain such a proposition in +the face of evidence so luminous. Look at the progress of all the arts +and sciences,--see chemistry, botany, astronomy----" + +"Surely," said Mr Escot, "experience deposes against you. Look at the +rapid growth of corruption, luxury, selfishness----" + +"Really, gentlemen," said the Reverend Doctor Gaster, after clearing +the husk in his throat with two or three hems, "this is a very +sceptical, and, I must say, atheistical conversation, and I should +have thought, out of respect to my cloth----" + +Here the coach stopped, and the coachman, opening the door, +vociferated--"Breakfast, gentlemen;" a sound which so gladdened the +ears of the divine, that the alacrity with which he sprang from the +vehicle superinduced a distortion of his ankle, and he was obliged to +limp into the inn between Mr Escot and Mr Jenkison; the former +observing, that he ought to look for nothing but evil, and, therefore, +should not be surprised at this little accident; the latter remarking, +that the comfort of a good breakfast, and the pain of a sprained +ankle, pretty exactly balanced each other. + + + + + CHAPTER II + The Squire--The Breakfast + + +Squire Headlong, in the meanwhile, was quadripartite in his locality; +that is to say, he was superintending the operations in four scenes of +action--namely, the cellar, the library, the picture-gallery, and the +dining-room,--preparing for the reception of his philosophical and +dilettanti visitors. His myrmidon on this occasion was a little +red-nosed butler, whom nature seemed to have cast in the genuine mould +of an antique Silenus, and who waddled about the house after his +master, wiping his forehead and panting for breath, while the latter +bounced from room to room like a cracker, and was indefatigable in his +requisitions for the proximity of his vinous Achates, whose advice and +co-operation he deemed no less necessary in the library than in the +cellar. Multitudes of packages had arrived, by land and water, from +London, and Liverpool, and Chester, and Manchester, and Birmingham, +and various parts of the mountains: books, wine, cheese, globes, +mathematical instruments, turkeys, telescopes, hams, tongues, +microscopes, quadrants, sextants, fiddles, flutes, tea, sugar, +electrical machines, figs, spices, air-pumps, soda-water, chemical +apparatus, eggs, French-horns, drawing books, palettes, oils and +colours, bottled ale and porter, scenery for a private theatre, +pickles and fish-sauce, patent lamps and chandeliers, barrels of +oysters, sofas, chairs, tables, carpets, beds, looking-glasses, +pictures, fruits and confections, nuts, oranges, lemons, packages of +salt salmon, and jars of Portugal grapes. These, arriving with +infinite rapidity, and in inexhaustible succession, had been deposited +at random, as the convenience of the moment dictated,--sofas in the +cellar, chandeliers in the kitchen, hampers of ale in the +drawing-room, and fiddles and fish-sauce in the library. The servants, +unpacking all these in furious haste, and flying with them from place +to place, according to the tumultuous directions of Squire Headlong +and the little fat butler who fumed at his heels, chafed, and crossed, +and clashed, and tumbled over one another up stairs and down. All was +bustle, uproar, and confusion; yet nothing seemed to advance: while +the rage and impetuosity of the Squire continued fermenting to the +highest degree of exasperation, which he signified, from time to time, +by converting some newly unpacked article, such as a book, a bottle, a +ham, or a fiddle, into a missile against the head of some unfortunate +servant who did not seem to move in a ratio of velocity corresponding +to the intensity of his master's desires. + +In this state of eager preparation we shall leave the happy +inhabitants of Headlong Hall, and return to the three philosophers and +the unfortunate divine, whom we left limping with a sprained ankle, +into the breakfast-room of the inn; where his two supporters deposited +him safely in a large arm-chair, with his wounded leg comfortably +stretched out on another. The morning being extremely cold, he +contrived to be seated as near the fire as was consistent with his +other object of having a perfect command of the table and its +apparatus; which consisted not only of the ordinary comforts of tea +and toast, but of a delicious supply of new-laid eggs, and a +magnificent round of beef; against which Mr Escot immediately pointed +all the artillery of his eloquence, declaring the use of animal food, +conjointly with that of fire, to be one of the principal causes of the +present degeneracy of mankind. "The natural and original man," said +he, "lived in the woods: the roots and fruits of the earth supplied +his simple nutriment: he had few desires, and no diseases. But, when +he began to sacrifice victims on the altar of superstition, to pursue +the goat and the deer, and, by the pernicious invention of fire, to +pervert their flesh into food, luxury, disease, and premature death, +were let loose upon the world. Such is clearly the correct +interpretation of the fable of Prometheus, which is the symbolical +portraiture of that disastrous epoch, when man first applied fire to +culinary purposes, and thereby surrendered his liver to the vulture of +disease. From that period the stature of mankind has been in a state +of gradual diminution, and I have not the least doubt that it will +continue to grow _small by degrees, and lamentably less_, till the +whole race will vanish imperceptibly from the face of the earth." + +"I cannot agree," said Mr Foster, "in the consequences being so very +disastrous. I admit, that in some respects the use of animal food +retards, though it cannot materially inhibit, the perfectibility of +the species. But the use of fire was indispensably necessary, as +AEschylus and Virgil expressly assert, to give being to the various +arts of life, which, in their rapid and interminable progress, will +finally conduct every individual of the race to the philosophic +pinnacle of pure and perfect felicity." + +"In the controversy concerning animal and vegetable food," said Mr +Jenkison, "there is much to be said on both sides; and, the question +being in equipoise, I content myself with a mixed diet, and make a +point of eating whatever is placed before me, provided it be good in +its kind." + +In this opinion his two brother philosophers practically coincided, +though they both ran down the theory as highly detrimental to the best +interests of man. + +"I am really astonished," said the Reverend Doctor Gaster, gracefully +picking off the supernal fragments of an egg he had just cracked, and +clearing away a space at the top for the reception of a small piece of +butter--"I am really astonished, gentlemen, at the very heterodox +opinions I have heard you deliver: since nothing can be more obvious +than that all animals were created solely and exclusively for the use +of man." + +"Even the tiger that devours him?" said Mr Escot. + +"Certainly," said Doctor Gaster. + +"How do you prove it?" said Mr Escot. + +"It requires no proof," said Doctor Gaster: "it is a point of +doctrine. It is written, therefore it is so." + +"Nothing can be more logical," said Mr Jenkison. "It has been said," +continued he, "that the ox was expressly made to be eaten by man: it +may be said, by a parity of reasoning, that man was expressly made to +be eaten by the tiger: but as wild oxen exist where there are no men, +and men where there are no tigers, it would seem that in these +instances they do not properly answer the ends of their creation." + +"It is a mystery," said Doctor Gaster. + +"Not to launch into the question of final causes," said Mr Escot, +helping himself at the same time to a slice of beef, "concerning which +I will candidly acknowledge I am as profoundly ignorant as the most +dogmatical theologian possibly can be, I just wish to observe, that +the pure and peaceful manners which Homer ascribes to the Lotophagi, +and which at this day characterise many nations (the Hindoos, for +example, who subsist exclusively on the fruits of the earth), depose +very strongly in favour of a vegetable regimen." + +"It may be said, on the contrary," said Mr Foster, "that animal food +acts on the mind as manure does on flowers, forcing them into a degree +of expansion they would not otherwise have attained. If we can imagine +a philosophical auricula falling into a train of theoretical +meditation on its original and natural nutriment, till it should work +itself up into a profound abomination of bullock's blood, +sugar-baker's scum, and other _unnatural_ ingredients of that rich +composition of soil which had brought it to perfection[2.1], and +insist on being planted in common earth, it would have all the +advantage of natural theory on its side that the most strenuous +advocate of the vegetable system could desire; but it would soon +discover the practical error of its retrograde experiment by its +lamentable inferiority in strength and beauty to all the auriculas +around it. I am afraid, in some instances at least, this analogy holds +true with respect to mind. No one will make a comparison, in point of +mental power, between the Hindoos and the ancient Greeks." + +"The anatomy of the human stomach," said Mr Escot, "and the formation +of the teeth, clearly place man in the class of frugivorous animals." + +"Many anatomists," said Mr Foster, "are of a different opinion, and +agree in discerning the characteristics of the carnivorous classes." + +"I am no anatomist," said Mr Jenkison, "and cannot decide where +doctors disagree; in the meantime, I conclude that man is omnivorous, +and on that conclusion I act." + +"Your conclusion is truly orthodox," said the Reverend Doctor Gaster: +"indeed, the loaves and fishes are typical of a mixed diet; and the +practice of the Church in all ages shows----" + +"That it never loses sight of the loaves and fishes," said Mr Escot. + +"It never loses sight of any point of sound doctrine," said the +reverend doctor. + +The coachman now informed them their time was elapsed; nor could all +the pathetic remonstrances of the reverend divine, who declared he had +not half breakfasted, succeed in gaining one minute from the +inexorable Jehu. + +"You will allow," said Mr Foster, as soon as they were again in +motion, "that the wild man of the woods could not transport himself +over two hundred miles of forest, with as much facility as one of +these vehicles transports you and me through the heart of this +cultivated country." + +"I am certain," said Mr Escot, "that a wild man can travel an immense +distance without fatigue; but what is the advantage of locomotion? The +wild man is happy in one spot, and there he remains: the civilised man +is wretched in every place he happens to be in, and then congratulates +himself on being accommodated with a machine, that will whirl him to +another, where he will be just as miserable as ever." + +We shall now leave the mail-coach to find its way to Capel Cerig, the +nearest point of the Holyhead road to the dwelling of Squire Headlong. + + + + + CHAPTER III + The Arrivals + + +In the midst of that scene of confusion thrice confounded, in which we +left the inhabitants of Headlong Hall, arrived the lovely Caprioletta +Headlong, the Squire's sister (whom he had sent for, from the +residence of her maiden aunt at Caernarvon, to do the honours of his +house), beaming like light on chaos, to arrange disorder and harmonise +discord. The tempestuous spirit of her brother became instantaneously +as smooth as the surface of the lake of Llanberris; and the little fat +butler "plessed Cot, and St Tafit, and the peautiful tamsel," for +being permitted to move about the house in his natural pace. In less +than twenty-four hours after her arrival, everything was disposed in +its proper station, and the Squire began to be all impatience for the +appearance of his promised guests. + +The first visitor with whom he had the felicity of shaking hands was +Marmaduke Milestone, Esquire, who arrived with a portfolio under his +arm. Mr Milestone[3.1] was a picturesque landscape gardener of the +first celebrity, who was not without hopes of persuading Squire +Headlong to put his romantic pleasure-grounds under a process of +improvement, promising himself a signal triumph for his incomparable +art in the difficult and, therefore, glorious achievement of polishing +and trimming the rocks of Llanberris. + +Next arrived a post-chaise from the inn at Capel Cerig, containing the +Reverend Doctor Gaster. It appeared, that, when the mail-coach +deposited its valuable cargo, early on the second morning, at the inn +at Capel Cerig, there was only one post-chaise to be had; it was +therefore determined that the reverend Doctor and the luggage should +proceed in the chaise, and that the three philosophers should walk. +When the reverend gentleman first seated himself in the chaise, the +windows were down all round; but he allowed it to drive off under the +idea that he could easily pull them up. This task, however, he had +considerable difficulty in accomplishing, and when he had succeeded, +it availed him little; for the frames and glasses had long since +discontinued their ancient familiarity. He had, however, no +alternative but to proceed, and to comfort himself, as he went, with +some choice quotations from the book of Job. The road led along the +edges of tremendous chasms, with torrents dashing in the bottom; so +that, if his teeth had not chattered with cold, they would have done +so with fear. The Squire shook him heartily by the hand, and +congratulated him on his safe arrival at Headlong Hall. The Doctor +returned the squeeze, and assured him that the congratulation was by +no means misapplied. + +Next came the three philosophers, highly delighted with their walk, +and full of rapturous exclamations on the sublime beauties of the +scenery. + +The Doctor shrugged up his shoulders, and confessed he preferred the +scenery of Putney and Kew, where a man could go comfortably to sleep +in his chaise, without being in momentary terror of being hurled +headlong down a precipice. + +Mr Milestone observed, that there were great capabilities in the +scenery, but it wanted shaving and polishing. If he could but have it +under his care for a single twelvemonth, he assured them no one would +be able to know it again. + +Mr Jenkison thought the scenery was just what it ought to be, and +required no alteration. + +Mr Foster thought it could be improved, but doubted if that effect +would be produced by the system of Mr Milestone. + +Mr Escot did not think that any human being could improve it, but had +no doubt of its having changed very considerably for the worse, since +the days when the now barren rocks were covered with the immense +forest of Snowdon, which must have contained a very fine race of wild +men, not less than ten feet high. + +The next arrival was that of Mr Cranium, and his lovely daughter Miss +Cephalis Cranium, who flew to the arms of her dear friend Caprioletta, +with all that warmth of friendship which young ladies usually assume +towards each other in the presence of young gentlemen.[3.2] + +Miss Cephalis blushed like a carnation at the sight of Mr Escot, and +Mr Escot glowed like a corn-poppy at the sight of Miss Cephalis. It +was at least obvious to all observers, that he could imagine the +possibility of one change for the better, even in this terrestrial +theatre of universal deterioration. + +Mr Cranium's eyes wandered from Mr Escot to his daughter, and from his +daughter to Mr Escot; and his complexion, in the course of the +scrutiny, underwent several variations, from the dark red of the peony +to the deep blue of the convolvulus. + +Mr Escot had formerly been the received lover of Miss Cephalis, till +he incurred the indignation of her father by laughing at a very +profound craniological dissertation which the old gentleman delivered; +nor had Mr Escot yet discovered the means of mollifying his wrath. + +Mr Cranium carried in his own hands a bag, the contents of which were +too precious to be intrusted to any one but himself; and earnestly +entreated to be shown to the chamber appropriated for his reception, +that he might deposit his treasure in safety. The little butler was +accordingly summoned to conduct him to his _cubiculum_. + +Next arrived a post-chaise, carrying four insides, whose extreme +thinness enabled them to travel thus economically without experiencing +the slightest inconvenience. These four personages were, two very +profound critics, Mr Gall and Mr Treacle, who followed the trade of +reviewers, but occasionally indulged themselves in the composition of +bad poetry; and two very multitudinous versifiers, Mr Nightshade and +Mr Mac Laurel, who followed the trade of poetry, but occasionally +indulged themselves in the composition of bad criticism. Mr Nightshade +and Mr Mac Laurel were the two senior lieutenants of a very formidable +corps of critics, of whom Timothy Treacle, Esquire, was captain, and +Geoffrey Gall, Esquire, generalissimo. + +The last arrivals were Mr Cornelius Chromatic, the most profound and +scientific of all amateurs of the fiddle, with his two blooming +daughters, Miss Tenorina and Miss Graziosa; Sir Patrick O'Prism, a +dilettante painter of high renown, and his maiden aunt, Miss Philomela +Poppyseed, an indefatigable compounder of novels, written for the +express purpose of supporting every species of superstition and +prejudice; and Mr Panscope, the chemical, botanical, geological, +astronomical, mathematical, metaphysical, meteorological, anatomical, +physiological, galvanistical, musical, pictorial, bibliographical, +critical philosopher, who had run through the whole circle of the +sciences, and understood them all equally well. + +Mr Milestone was impatient to take a walk round the grounds, that he +might examine how far the system of clumping and levelling could be +carried advantageously into effect. The ladies retired to enjoy each +other's society in the first happy moments of meeting: the Reverend +Doctor Gaster sat by the library fire, in profound meditation over a +volume of the "_Almanach des Gourmands_:" Mr Panscope sat in the +opposite corner with a volume of Rees' Cyclopaedia: Mr Cranium was +busy upstairs: Mr Chromatic retreated to the music-room, where he +fiddled through a book of solos before the ringing of the first dinner +bell. The remainder of the party supported Mr Milestone's proposition; +and, accordingly, Squire Headlong and Mr Milestone leading the van, +they commenced their perambulation. + + + + + CHAPTER IV + The Grounds + + +"I perceive," said Mr Milestone, after they had walked a few paces, +"these grounds have never been touched by the finger of taste." + +"The place is quite a wilderness," said Squire Headlong: "for, during +the latter part of my father's life, while I was _finishing_ my +_education_, he troubled himself about nothing but the cellar, and +suffered everything else to go to rack and ruin. A mere wilderness, as +you see, even now in December; but in summer a complete nursery of +briers, a forest of thistles, a plantation of nettles, without any +live stock but goats, that have eaten up all the bark of the trees. +Here you see is the pedestal of a statue, with only half a leg and +four toes remaining: there were many here once. When I was a boy, I +used to sit every day on the shoulders of Hercules: what became of +_him_ I have never been able to ascertain. Neptune has been lying +these seven years in the dust-hole; Atlas had his head knocked off to +fit him for propping a shed; and only the day before yesterday we +fished Bacchus out of the horse-pond." + +"My dear sir," said Mr Milestone, "accord me your permission to wave +the wand of enchantment over your grounds. The rocks shall be blown +up, the trees shall be cut down, the wilderness and all its goats +shall vanish like mist. Pagodas and Chinese bridges, gravel walks and +shrubberies, bowling-greens, canals, and clumps of larch, shall rise +upon its ruins. One age, sir, has brought to light the treasures of +ancient learning; a second has penetrated into the depths of +metaphysics; a third has brought to perfection the science of +astronomy; but it was reserved for the exclusive genius of the present +times, to invent the noble art of picturesque gardening, which has +given, as it were, a new tint to the complexion of nature, and a new +outline to the physiognomy of the universe!" + +"Give me leave," said Sir Patrick O'Prism, "to take an exception to +that same. Your system of levelling, and trimming, and clipping, and +docking, and clumping, and polishing, and cropping, and shaving, +destroys all the beautiful intricacies of natural luxuriance, and all +the graduated harmonies of light and shade, melting into one another, +as you see them on that rock over yonder. I never saw one of your +improved places, as you call them, and which are nothing but big +bowling-greens, like sheets of green paper, with a parcel of round +clumps scattered over them, like so many spots of ink, flicked at +random out of a pen,[4.1] and a solitary animal here and there looking +as if it were lost, that I did not think it was for all the world like +Hounslow Heath, thinly sprinkled over with bushes and highwaymen." + +"Sir," said Mr Milestone, "you will have the goodness to make a +distinction between the picturesque and the beautiful." + +"Will I?" said Sir Patrick, "och! but I won't. For what is beautiful? +That what pleases the eye. And what pleases the eye? Tints variously +broken and blended. Now, tints variously broken and blended constitute +the picturesque." + +"Allow me," said Mr Gall. "I distinguish the picturesque and the +beautiful, and I add to them, in the laying out of grounds, a third +and distinct character, which I call _unexpectedness_." + +"Pray, sir," said Mr Milestone, "by what name do you distinguish this +character, when a person walks round the grounds for the second +time?"[4.2] + +Mr Gall bit his lips, and inwardly vowed to revenge himself on +Milestone, by cutting up his next publication. + +A long controversy now ensued concerning the picturesque and the +beautiful, highly edifying to Squire Headlong. + +The three philosophers stopped, as they wound round a projecting point +of rock, to contemplate a little boat which was gliding over the +tranquil surface of the lake below. + +"The blessings of civilisation," said Mr Foster, "extend themselves to +the meanest individuals of the community. That boatman, singing as he +sails along, is, I have no doubt, a very happy, and, comparatively to +the men of his class some centuries back, a very enlightened and +intelligent man." + +"As a partisan of the system of the moral perfectibility of the human +race," said Mr Escot,--who was always for considering things on a +large scale, and whose thoughts immediately wandered from the lake to +the ocean, from the little boat to a ship of the line,--"you will +probably be able to point out to me the degree of improvement that you +suppose to have taken place in the character of a sailor, from the +days when Jason sailed through the Cyanean Symplegades, or Noah moored +his ark on the summit of Ararat." + +"If you talk to me," said Mr Foster, "of mythological personages, of +course I cannot meet you on fair grounds." + +"We will begin, if you please, then," said Mr Escot, "no further back +than the battle of Salamis; and I will ask you if you think the +mariners of England are, in any one respect, morally or +intellectually, superior to those who then preserved the liberties of +Greece, under the direction of Themistocles?" + +"I will venture to assert," said Mr Foster, "that considered merely as +sailors, which is the only fair mode of judging them, they are as far +superior to the Athenians, as the structure of our ships is superior +to that of theirs. Would not one English seventy-four, think you, have +been sufficient to have sunk, burned, and put to flight, all the +Persian and Grecian vessels in that memorable bay? Contemplate the +progress of naval architecture, and the slow, but immense succession +of concatenated intelligence, by which it has gradually attained its +present stage of perfectibility. In this, as in all other branches of +art and science, every generation possesses all the knowledge of the +preceding, and adds to it its own discoveries in a progression to +which there seems no limit. The skill requisite to direct these +immense machines is proportionate to their magnitude and complicated +mechanism; and, therefore, the English sailor, considered merely as a +sailor, is vastly superior to the ancient Greek." + +"You make a distinction, of course," said Mr Escot, "between +scientific and moral perfectibility?" + +"I conceive," said Mr Foster, "that men are virtuous in proportion as +they are enlightened; and that, as every generation increases in +knowledge, it also increases in virtue." + +"I wish it were so," said Mr Escot; "but to me the very reverse +appears to be the fact. The progress of knowledge is not general: it +is confined to a chosen few of every age. How far these are better +than their neighbours, we may examine by and bye. The mass of mankind +is composed of beasts of burden, mere clods, and tools of their +superiors. By enlarging and complicating your machines, you degrade, +not exalt, the human animals you employ to direct them. When the +boatswain of a seventy-four pipes all hands to the main tack, and +flourishes his rope's end over the shoulders of the poor fellows who +are tugging at the ropes, do you perceive so dignified, so gratifying +a picture, as Ulysses exhorting his dear friends, his ERIAERES +'ETAIROI, to ply their oars with energy? You will say, Ulysses was a +fabulous character. But the economy of his vessel is drawn from +nature. Every man on board has a character and a will of his own. He +talks to them, argues with them, convinces them; and they obey him, +because they love him, and know the reason of his orders. Now, as I +have said before, all singleness of character is lost. We divide men +into herds like cattle: an individual man, if you strip him of all +that is extraneous to himself, is the most wretched and contemptible +creature on the face of the earth. The sciences advance. True. A few +years of study puts a modern mathematician in possession of more than +Newton knew, and leaves him at leisure to add new discoveries of his +own. Agreed. But does this make him a Newton? Does it put him in +possession of that range of intellect, that grasp of mind, from which +the discoveries of Newton sprang? It is mental power that I look for: +if you can demonstrate the increase of that, I will give up the field. +Energy--independence--individuality--disinterested virtue--active +benevolence--self-oblivion--universal philanthropy--these are the +qualities I desire to find, and of which I contend that every +succeeding age produces fewer examples. I repeat it; there is scarcely +such a thing to be found as a single individual man; a few classes +compose the whole frame of society, and when you know one of a class +you know the whole of it. Give me the wild man of the woods; the +original, unthinking, unscientific, unlogical savage: in him there is +at least some good; but, in a civilised, sophisticated, cold-blooded, +mechanical, calculating slave of Mammon and the world, there is +none--absolutely none. Sir, if I fall into a river, an unsophisticated +man will jump in and bring me out; but a philosopher will look on with +the utmost calmness, and consider me in the light of a projectile, +and, making a calculation of the degree of force with which I have +impinged the surface, the resistance of the fluid, the velocity of the +current, and the depth of the water in that particular place, he will +ascertain with the greatest nicety in what part of the mud at the +bottom I may probably be found, at any given distance of time from the +moment of my first immersion." + +Mr Foster was preparing to reply, when the first dinner-bell rang, and +he immediately commenced a precipitate return towards the house; +followed by his two companions, who both admitted that he was now +leading the way to at least a temporary period of physical +amelioration: "but, alas!" added Mr Escot, after a moment's +reflection, "Epulae NOCUERE repostae![4.3]" + + + + + CHAPTER V + The Dinner + + +The sun was now terminating his diurnal course, and the lights were +glittering on the festal board. When the ladies had retired, and the +Burgundy had taken two or three tours of the table, the following +conversation took place:-- + + _Squire Headlong._ +Push about the bottle: Mr Escot, it stands with you. No heeltaps. As +to skylight, liberty-hall. + + _Mr Mac Laurel._ +Really, Squire Headlong, this is the vara nectar itsel. Ye hae +saretainly discovered the tarrestrial paradise, but it flows wi' a +better leecor than milk an' honey. + + _The Reverend Doctor Gaster._ +Hem! Mr Mac Laurel! there is a degree of profaneness in that +observation, which I should not have looked for in so staunch a +supporter of church and state. Milk and honey was the pure food of the +antediluvian patriarchs, who knew not the use of the grape, happily +for them.--(_Tossing off a bumper of Burgundy._) + + _Mr Escot._ +Happy, indeed! The first inhabitants of the world knew not the use +either of wine or animal food; it is, therefore, by no means +incredible that they lived to the age of several centuries, free from +war, and commerce, and arbitrary government, and every other species +of desolating wickedness. But man was then a very different animal to +what he now is: he had not the faculty of speech; he was not +encumbered with clothes; he lived in the open air; his first step out +of which, as Hamlet truly observes, is _into his grave_[5.1]. His +first dwellings, of course, were the hollows of trees and rocks. In +process of time he began to build: thence grew villages; thence grew +cities. Luxury, oppression, poverty, misery, and disease kept pace +with the progress of his pretended improvements, till, from a free, +strong, healthy, peaceful animal, he has become a weak, distempered, +cruel, carnivorous slave. + + _The Reverend Doctor Gaster._ +Your doctrine is orthodox, in so far as you assert that the original +man was not encumbered with clothes, and that he lived in the open +air; but, as to the faculty of speech, that, it is certain, he had, +for the authority of Moses---- + + _Mr Escot._ +Of course, sir, I do not presume to dissent from the very exalted +authority of that most enlightened astronomer and profound +cosmogonist, who had, moreover, the advantage of being inspired; but +when I indulge myself with a ramble in the fields of speculation, and +attempt to deduce what is probable and rational from the sources of +analysis, experience, and comparison, I confess I am too often apt to +lose sight of the doctrines of that great fountain of theological and +geological philosophy. + + _Squire Headlong._ +Push about the bottle. + + _Mr Foster._ +Do you suppose the mere animal life of a wild man, living on acorns, +and sleeping on the ground, comparable in felicity to that of a +Newton, ranging through unlimited space, and penetrating into the +arcana of universal motion--to that of a Locke, unravelling the +labyrinth of mind--to that of a Lavoisier, detecting the minutest +combinations of matter, and reducing all nature to its elements--to +that of a Shakespeare, piercing and developing the springs of +passion--or of a Milton, identifying himself, as it were, with the +beings of an invisible world? + + _Mr Escot._ +You suppose extreme cases: but, on the score of happiness, what +comparison can you make between the tranquil being of the wild man of +the woods and the wretched and turbulent existence of Milton, the +victim of persecution, poverty, blindness, and neglect? The records of +literature demonstrate that Happiness and Intelligence are seldom +sisters. Even if it were otherwise, it would prove nothing. The many +are always sacrificed to the few. Where one man advances, hundreds +retrograde; and the balance is always in favour of universal +deterioration. + + _Mr Foster._ +Virtue is independent of external circumstances. The exalted +understanding looks into the truth of things, and, in its own peaceful +contemplations, rises superior to the world. No philosopher would +resign his mental acquisitions for the purchase of any terrestrial +good. + + _Mr Escot._ +In other words, no man whatever would resign his identity, which is +nothing more than the consciousness of his perceptions, as the price +of any acquisition. But every man, without exception, would willingly +effect a very material change in his relative situation to other +individuals. Unluckily for the rest of your argument, the +understanding of literary people is for the most part _exalted_, as +you express it, not so much by the love of truth and virtue, as by +arrogance and self-sufficiency; and there is, perhaps, less +disinterestedness, less liberality, less general benevolence, and more +envy, hatred, and uncharitableness among them, than among any other +description of men. + +(_The eye of Mr Escot, as he pronounced these words, rested very +innocently and unintentionally on Mr Gall._) + + _Mr Gall._ +You allude, sir, I presume, to my review. + + _Mr Escot._ +Pardon me, sir. You will be convinced it is impossible I can allude to +your review, when I assure you that I have never read a single page of +it. + + _Mr Gall, Mr Treacle, Mr Nightshade, and Mr Mac Laurel._ +Never read our review! ! ! ! + + _Mr Escot._ +Never. I look on periodical criticism in general to be a species of +shop, where panegyric and defamation are sold, wholesale, retail, and +for exportation. I am not inclined to be a purchaser of these +commodities, or to encourage a trade which I consider pregnant with +mischief. + + _Mr Mac Laurel._ +I can readily conceive, sir, ye wou'd na wullingly encoorage ony +dealer in panegeeric: but, frae the manner in which ye speak o' the +first creetics an' scholars o' the age, I shou'd think ye wou'd hae a +leetle mair predilaction for deefamation. + + _Mr Escot._ +I have no predilection, sir, for defamation. I make a point of +speaking the truth on all occasions; and it seldom happens that the +truth can be spoken without some stricken deer pronouncing it a libel. + + _Mr Nightshade._ +You are perhaps, sir, an enemy to literature in general? + + _Mr Escot._ +If I were, sir, I should be a better friend to periodical critics. + + _Squire Headlong._ +Buz! + + _Mr Treacle._ +May I simply take the liberty to inquire into the basis of your +objection? + + _Mr Escot._ +I conceive that periodical criticism disseminates superficial +knowledge, and its perpetual adjunct, vanity; that it checks in the +youthful mind the habit of thinking for itself; that it delivers +partial opinions, and thereby misleads the judgment; that it is never +conducted with a view to the general interests of literature, but to +serve the interested ends of individuals, and the miserable purposes +of party. + + _Mr Mac Laurel._ +Ye ken, sir, a mon mun leeve. + + _Mr Escot._ +While he can live honourably, naturally, justly, certainly: no longer. + + _Mr Mac Laurel._ +Every mon, sir, leeves according to his ain notions of honour an' +justice: there is a wee defference amang the learned wi' respact to +the defineetion o' the terms. + + _Mr Escot._ +I believe it is generally admitted that one of the ingredients of +justice is disinterestedness. + + _Mr Mac Laurel._ +It is na admetted, sir, amang the pheelosophers of Edinbroo', that +there is ony sic thing as desenterestedness in the warld, or that a +mon can care for onything sae much as his ain sel: for ye mun observe, +sir, every mon has his ain parteecular feelings of what is gude, an' +beautifu', an' consentaneous to his ain indiveedual nature, an' +desires to see every thing aboot him in that parteecular state which +is maist conformable to his ain notions o' the moral an' poleetical +fetness o' things. Twa men, sir, shall purchase a piece o' grund +atween 'em, and ae mon shall cover his half wi' a park---- + + _Mr Milestone._ +Beautifully laid out in lawns and clumps, with a belt of trees at the +circumference, and an artificial lake in the centre. + + _Mr Mac Laurel._ +Exactly, sir: an' shall keep it a' for his ain sel: an' the other mon +shall divide his half into leetle farms of twa or three acres---- + + _Mr Escot._ +Like those of the Roman republic, and build a cottage on each of them, +and cover his land with a simple, innocent, and smiling population, +who shall owe, not only their happiness, but their existence, to his +benevolence. + + _Mr Mac Laurel._ +Exactly, sir: an' ye will ca' the first mon selfish, an' the second +desenterested; but the pheelosophical truth is semply this, that the +ane is pleased wi' looking at trees, an' the other wi' seeing people +happy an' comfortable. It is aunly a matter of indiveedual feeling. A +paisant saves a mon's life for the same reason that a hero or a +footpad cuts his thrapple: an' a pheelosopher delevers a mon frae a +preson, for the same reason that a tailor or a prime meenester puts +him into it: because it is conformable to his ain parteecular feelings +o' the moral an' poleetical fetness o' things. + + _Squire Headlong._ +Wake the Reverend Doctor. Doctor, the bottle stands with you. + + _The Reverend Doctor Gaster._ +It is an error of which I am seldom guilty. + + _Mr Mac Laurel._ +Noo, ye ken, sir, every mon is the centre of his ain system, an' +endaivours as much as possible to adapt every thing aroond him to his +ain parteecular views. + + _Mr Escot._ +Thus, sir, I presume, it suits the particular views of a poet, at one +time to take the part of the people against their oppressors, and at +another, to take the part of the oppressors, against the people. + + _Mr Mac Laurel._ +Ye mun alloo, sir, that poetry is a sort of ware or commodity, that is +brought into the public market wi' a' other descreptions of +merchandise, an' that a mon is pairfectly justified in getting the +best price he can for his article. Noo, there are three reasons for +taking the part o' the people; the first is, when general leeberty an' +public happiness are conformable to your ain parteecular feelings o' +the moral an' poleetical fetness o' things: the second is, when they +happen to be, as it were, in a state of exceetabeelity, an' ye think +ye can get a gude price for your commodity, by flingin' in a leetle +seasoning o' pheelanthropy an' republican speerit; the third is, when +ye think ye can bully the menestry into gieing ye a place or a pansion +to hau'd your din, an' in that case, ye point an attack against them +within the pale o' the law; an' if they tak nae heed o' ye, ye open a +stronger fire; an' the less heed they tak, the mair ye bawl; an' the +mair factious ye grow, always within the pale o' the law, till they +send a plenipotentiary to treat wi' ye for yoursel, an' then the mair +popular ye happen to be, the better price ye fetch. + + _Squire Headlong._ +Off with your heeltaps. + + _Mr Cranium._ +I perfectly agree with Mr Mac Laurel in his definition of self-love +and disinterestedness: every man's actions are determined by his +peculiar views, and those views are determined by the organisation of +his skull. A man in whom the organ of benevolence is not developed, +cannot be benevolent: he in whom it is so, cannot be otherwise. The +organ of self-love is prodigiously developed in the greater number of +subjects that have fallen under my observation. + + _Mr Escot._ +Much less I presume, among savage than civilised men, who, _constant +only to the love of self, and consistent only in their aim to deceive, +are always actuated by the hope of personal advantage, or by the dread +of personal punishment_[5.2]. + + _Mr Cranium._ +Very probably. + + _Mr Escot._ +You have, of course, found very copious specimens of the organs of +hypocrisy, destruction, and avarice. + + _Mr Cranium._ +Secretiveness, destructiveness, and covetiveness. You may add, if you +please, that of constructiveness. + + _Mr Escot._ +Meaning, I presume, the organ of building; which I contend to be not a +natural organ of the _featherless biped_. + + _Mr Cranium._ +Pardon me: it is here.--(_As he said these words, he produced a skull +from his pocket, and placed it on the table to the great surprise of +the company._)--This was the skull of Sir Christopher Wren. You +observe this protuberance--(_The skull was handed round the table._) + + _Mr Escot._ +I contend that the original unsophisticated man was by no means +constructive. He lived in the open air, under a tree. + + _The Reverend Doctor Gaster._ +The tree of life. Unquestionably. Till he had tasted the forbidden +fruit. + + _Mr Jenkison._ +At which period, probably, the organ of constructiveness was added to +his anatomy, as a punishment for his transgression. + + _Mr Escot._ +There could not have been a more severe one, since the propensity +which has led him to building cities has proved the greatest curse of +his existence. + + _Squire Headlong._ +(_taking the skull._) _Memento mori._ Come, a bumper of Burgundy. + + _Mr Nightshade._ +A very classical application, Squire Headlong. The Romans were in the +practice of adhibiting skulls at their banquets, and sometimes little +skeletons of silver, as a silent admonition to the guests to enjoy +life while it lasted. + + _The Reverend Doctor Gaster._ +Sound doctrine, Mr Nightshade. + + _Mr Escot._ +I question its soundness. The use of vinous spirit has a tremendous +influence in the deterioration of the human race. + + _Mr Foster._ +I fear, indeed, it operates as a considerable check to the progress of +the species towards moral and intellectual perfection. Yet many great +men have been of opinion that it exalts the imagination, fires the +genius, accelerates the flow of ideas, and imparts to dispositions +naturally cold and deliberative that enthusiastic sublimation which is +the source of greatness and energy. + + _Mr Nightshade._ +_Laudibus arguitur vini vinosus Homerus._[5.3] + + _Mr Jenkison._ +I conceive the use of wine to be always pernicious in excess, but +often useful in moderation: it certainly kills some, but it saves the +lives of others: I find that an occasional glass, taken with judgment +and caution, has a very salutary effect in maintaining that +equilibrium of the system, which it is always my aim to preserve; and +this calm and temperate use of wine was, no doubt, what Homer meant to +inculcate, when he said: _Par de depas oinoio, piein hote thumos +anogoi._[5.4] + + _Squire Headlong._ +Good. Pass the bottle. (_Un morne silence_). Sir Christopher does not +seem to have raised our spirits. Chromatic, favour us with a specimen +of your vocal powers. Something in point. + +Mr Chromatic, without further preface, immediately struck up the +following + + SONG + + In his last binn Sir Peter lies, + Who knew not what it was to frown: + Death took him mellow, by surprise, + And in his cellar stopped him down. + Through all our land we could not boast + A knight more gay, more prompt than he, + To rise and fill a bumper toast, + And pass it round with THREE TIMES THREE. + + None better knew the feast to sway, + Or keep Mirth's boat in better trim; + For Nature had but little clay + Like that of which she moulded him. + The meanest guest that graced his board + Was there the freest of the free, + His bumper toast when Peter poured, + And passed it round with THREE TIMES THREE. + + He kept at true good humour's mark + The social flow of pleasure's tide: + He never made a brow look dark, + Nor caused a tear, but when he died. + No sorrow round his tomb should dwell: + More pleased his gay old ghost would be, + For funeral song, and passing bell, + To hear no sound but THREE TIMES THREE. + +(_Hammering of knuckles and glasses and shouts of bravo!_) + + _Mr Panscope._ +(_Suddenly emerging from a deep reverie._) I have heard, with the most +profound attention, every thing which the gentleman on the other side +of the table has thought proper to advance on the subject of human +deterioration; and I must take the liberty to remark, that it augurs a +very considerable degree of presumption in any individual, to set +himself up against the _authority_ of so many great men, as may be +marshalled in metaphysical phalanx under the opposite banners of the +controversy; such as Aristotle, Plato, the scholiast on Aristophanes, +St Chrysostom, St Jerome, St Athanasius, Orpheus, Pindar, Simonides, +Gronovius, Hemsterhusius, Longinus, Sir Isaac Newton, Thomas Paine, +Doctor Paley, the King of Prussia, the King of Poland, Cicero, +Monsieur Gautier, Hippocrates, Machiavelli, Milton, Colley Cibber, +Bojardo, Gregory Nazianzenus, Locke, D'Alembert, Boccaccio, Daniel +Defoe, Erasmus, Doctor Smollett, Zimmermann, Solomon, Confucius, +Zoroaster, and Thomas-a-Kempis. + + _Mr Escot._ +I presume, sir, you are one of those who value an _authority_ more +than a reason. + + _Mr Panscope._ +The _authority_, sir, of all these great men, whose works, as well as +the whole of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, the entire series of the +Monthly Review, the complete set of the Variorum Classics, and the +Memoirs of the Academy of Inscriptions, I have read through from +beginning to end, deposes, with irrefragable refutation, against your +ratiocinative speculations, wherein you seem desirous, by the futile +process of analytical dialectics, to subvert the pyramidal structure +of synthetically deduced opinions, which have withstood the secular +revolutions of physiological disquisition, and which I maintain to be +transcendentally self-evident, categorically certain, and +syllogistically demonstrable. + + _Squire Headlong._ +Bravo! Pass the bottle. The very best speech that ever was made. + + _Mr Escot._ +It has only the slight disadvantage of being unintelligible. + + _Mr Panscope._ +I am not obliged, sir, as Dr Johnson observed on a similar occasion, +to furnish you with an understanding. + + _Mr Escot._ +I fear, sir, you would have some difficulty in furnishing me with such +an article from your own stock. + + _Mr Panscope._ +'Sdeath, sir, do you question my understanding? + + _Mr Escot._ +I only question, sir, where I expect a reply; which, from things that +have no existence, I am not visionary enough to anticipate. + + _Mr Panscope._ +I beg leave to observe, sir, that my language was perfectly +perspicuous, and etymologically correct; and, I conceive, I have +demonstrated what I shall now take the liberty to say in plain terms, +that all your opinions are extremely absurd. + + _Mr Escot._ +I should be sorry, sir, to advance any opinion that you would not +think absurd. + + _Mr Panscope._ +Death and fury, sir---- + + _Mr Escot._ +Say no more, sir. That apology is quite sufficient. + + _Mr Panscope._ +Apology, sir? + + _Mr Escot._ +Even so, sir. You have lost your temper, which I consider equivalent +to a confession that you have the worst of the argument. + + _Mr Panscope._ +Lightning and devils! sir---- + + _Squire Headlong._ +No civil war!--Temperance, in the name of Bacchus!--A glee! a glee! +_Music has charms to bend the knotted oak._ Sir Patrick, you'll join? + + _Sir Patrick O'Prism._ +Troth, with all my heart; for, by my soul, I'm bothered completely. + + _Squire Headlong._ +Agreed, then; you, and I, and Chromatic. Bumpers! Come, strike up. + +Squire Headlong, Mr Chromatic, and Sir Patrick O'Prism, each holding a +bumper, immediately vociferated the following + + GLEE + + A heeltap! a heeltap! I never could bear it! + So fill me a bumper, a bumper of claret! + Let the bottle pass freely, don't shirk it nor spare it, + For a heeltap! a heeltap! I never could bear it! + + No skylight! no twilight! while Bacchus rules o'er us: + No thinking! no shrinking! all drinking in chorus: + Let us moisten our clay, since 'tis thirsty and porous: + No thinking! no shrinking! all drinking in chorus! + + GRAND CHORUS + +_By Squire Headlong, Mr Chromatic, Sir Patrick O'Prism, Mr +Panscope, Mr Jenkison, Mr Gall, Mr Treacle, Mr Nightshade, Mr Mac +Laurel, Mr Cranium, Mr Milestone, and the Reverend Dr Gaster._ + + A heeltap! a heeltap! I never could bear it! + So fill me a bumper, a bumper of claret! + Let the bottle pass freely, don't shirk it nor spare it, + For a heeltap! a heeltap! I never could bear it! + + 'OMADOS KAI DOUPOS OROREI' + +The little butler now waddled in with a summons from the ladies to tea +and coffee. The squire was unwilling to leave his Burgundy. Mr Escot +strenuously urged the necessity of immediate adjournment, observing, +that the longer they continued drinking the worse they should be. Mr +Foster seconded the motion, declaring the transition from the bottle +to female society to be an indisputable amelioration of the state of +the sensitive man. Mr Jenkison allowed the squire and his two brother +philosophers to settle the point between them, concluding that he was +just as well in one place as another. The question of adjournment was +then put, and carried by a large majority. + + + + + CHAPTER VI + The Evening + + +Mr Panscope, highly irritated by the cool contempt with which Mr Escot +had treated him, sate sipping his coffee and meditating revenge. He +was not long in discovering the passion of his antagonist for the +beautiful Cephalis, for whom he had himself a species of predilection; +and it was also obvious to him, that there was some lurking anger in +the mind of her father, unfavourable to the hopes of his rival. The +stimulus of revenge, superadded to that of preconceived inclination, +determined him, after due deliberation, to _cut out_ Mr Escot in the +young lady's favour. The practicability of this design he did not +trouble himself to investigate; for the havoc he had made in the +hearts of some silly girls, who were extremely vulnerable to flattery, +and who, not understanding a word he said, considered him a +_prodigious clever man_, had impressed him with an unhesitating idea +of his own irresistibility. He had not only the requisites already +specified for fascinating female vanity, he could likewise fiddle with +tolerable dexterity, though by no means so _quick_ as Mr Chromatic +(for our readers are of course aware that rapidity of execution, not +delicacy of expression, constitutes the scientific perfection of +modern music), and could warble a fashionable love-ditty with +considerable affectation of feeling: besides this, he was always +extremely well dressed, and was heir-apparent to an estate of ten +thousand a-year. The influence which the latter consideration might +have on the minds of the majority of his female acquaintance, whose +morals had been formed by the novels of such writers as Miss Philomela +Poppyseed, did not once enter into his calculation of his own personal +attractions. Relying, therefore, on past success, he determined _to +appeal to his fortune_, and already, in imagination, considered +himself sole lord and master of the affections of the beautiful +Cephalis. + +Mr Escot and Mr Foster were the only two of the party who had entered +the library (to which the ladies had retired, and which was interior +to the music-room) in a state of perfect sobriety. Mr Escot had placed +himself next to the beautiful Cephalis: Mr Cranium had laid aside much +of the terror of his frown; the short craniological conversation, +which had passed between him and Mr Escot, had softened his heart in +his favour; and the copious libations of Burgundy in which he had +indulged had smoothed his brow into unusual serenity. + +Mr Foster placed himself near the lovely Caprioletta, whose artless +and innocent conversation had already made an impression on his +susceptible spirit. + +The Reverend Doctor Gaster seated himself in the corner of a sofa near +Miss Philomela Poppyseed. Miss Philomela detailed to him the plan of a +very moral and aristocratical novel she was preparing for the press, +and continued holding forth, with her eyes half shut, till a +long-drawn nasal tone from the reverend divine compelled her suddenly +to open them in all the indignation of surprise. The cessation of the +hum of her voice awakened the reverend gentleman, who, lifting up +first one eyelid, then the other, articulated, or rather murmured, +"Admirably planned, indeed!" + +"I have not quite finished, sir," said Miss Philomela, bridling. "Will +you have the goodness to inform me where I left off?" + +The doctor hummed a while, and at length answered: "I think you had +just laid it down as a position, that a thousand a-year is an +indispensable ingredient in the passion of love, and that no man, who +is not so far gifted by _nature_, can reasonably presume to feel that +passion himself, or be correctly the object of it with a well-educated +female." + +"That, sir," said Miss Philomela, highly incensed, "is the fundamental +principle which I lay down in the first chapter, and which the whole +four volumes, of which I detailed to you the outline, are intended to +set in a strong practical light." + +"Bless me!" said the doctor, "what a nap I must have had!" + +Miss Philomela flung away to the side of her dear friends Gall and +Treacle, under whose fostering patronage she had been puffed into an +extensive reputation, much to the advantage of the young ladies of the +age, whom she taught to consider themselves as a sort of commodity, to +be put up at public auction, and knocked down to the highest bidder. +Mr Nightshade and Mr Mac Laurel joined the trio; and it was secretly +resolved, that Miss Philomela should furnish them with a portion of +her manuscripts, and that Messieurs Gall & Co. should devote the +following morning to cutting and drying a critique on a work +calculated to prove so extensively beneficial, that Mr Gall protested +he really _envied_ the writer. + +While this amiable and enlightened quintetto were busily employed in +flattering one another, Mr Cranium retired to complete the +preparations he had begun in the morning for a lecture, with which he +intended, on some future evening, to favour the company: Sir Patrick +O'Prism walked out into the grounds to study the effect of moonlight +on the snow-clad mountains: Mr Foster and Mr Escot continued to make +love, and Mr Panscope to digest his plan of attack on the heart of +Miss Cephalis: Mr Jenkison sate by the fire, reading _Much Ado about +Nothing_: the Reverend Doctor Gaster was still enjoying the benefit of +Miss Philomela's opiate, and serenading the company from his solitary +corner: Mr Chromatic was reading music, and occasionally humming a +note: and Mr Milestone had produced his portfolio for the edification +and amusement of Miss Tenorina, Miss Graziosa, and Squire Headlong, to +whom he was pointing out the various beauties of his plan for Lord +Littlebrain's park. + + _Mr Milestone._ +This, you perceive, is the natural state of one part of the grounds. +Here is a wood, never yet touched by the finger of taste; thick, +intricate, and gloomy. Here is a little stream, dashing from stone to +stone, and overshadowed with these untrimmed boughs. + + _Miss Tenorina._ +The sweet romantic spot! How beautifully the birds must sing there on +a summer evening! + + _Miss Graziosa._ +Dear sister! how can you endure the horrid thicket? + + _Mr Milestone._ +You are right, Miss Graziosa: your taste is correct--perfectly +_en regle_. Now, here is the same place corrected--trimmed--polished +--decorated--adorned. Here sweeps a plantation, in that beautiful regular +curve: there winds a gravel walk: here are parts of the old wood, left in +these majestic circular clumps, disposed at equal distances with +wonderful symmetry: there are some single shrubs scattered in elegant +profusion: here a Portugal laurel, there a juniper; here a laurustinus, +there a spruce fir; here a larch, there a lilac; here a rhododendron, +there an arbutus. The stream, you see, is become a canal: the banks are +perfectly smooth and green, sloping to the water's edge: and there is +Lord Littlebrain, rowing in an elegant boat. + + _Squire Headlong._ +Magical, faith! + + _Mr Milestone._ +Here is another part of the grounds in its natural state. Here is a +large rock, with the mountain-ash rooted in its fissures, overgrown, +as you see, with ivy and moss; and from this part of it bursts a +little fountain, that runs bubbling down its rugged sides. + + _Miss Tenorina._ +O how beautiful! How I should love the melody of that miniature +cascade! + + _Mr Milestone._ +Beautiful, Miss Tenorina! Hideous. Base, common, and popular. Such a +thing as you may see anywhere, in wild and mountainous districts. Now, +observe the metamorphosis. Here is the same rock, cut into the shape +of a giant. In one hand he holds a horn, through which that little +fountain is thrown to a prodigious elevation. In the other is a +ponderous stone, so exactly balanced as to be apparently ready to fall +on the head of any person who may happen to be beneath[6.1]: and there +is Lord Littlebrain walking under it. + + _Squire Headlong._ +Miraculous, by Mahomet! + + _Mr Milestone._ +This is the summit of a hill, covered, as you perceive, with wood, and +with those mossy stones scattered at random under the trees. + + _Miss Tenorina._ +What a delightful spot to read in, on a summer's day! The air must be +so pure, and the wind must sound so divinely in the tops of those old +pines! + + _Mr Milestone._ +Bad taste, Miss Tenorina. Bad taste, I assure you. Here is the spot +improved. The trees are cut down: the stones are cleared away: this is +an octagonal pavilion, exactly on the centre of the summit: and there +you see Lord Littlebrain, on the top of the pavilion, enjoying the +prospect with a telescope. + + _Squire Headlong._ +Glorious, egad! + + _Mr Milestone._ +Here is a rugged mountainous road, leading through impervious shades: +the ass and the four goats characterise a wild uncultured scene. Here, +as you perceive, it is totally changed into a beautiful gravel-road, +gracefully curving through a belt of limes: and there is Lord +Littlebrain driving four-in-hand. + + _Squire Headlong._ +Egregious, by Jupiter! + + _Mr Milestone._ +Here is Littlebrain Castle, a Gothic, moss-grown structure, half +bosomed in trees. Near the casement of that turret is an owl peeping +from the ivy. + + _Squire Headlong._ +And devilish wise he looks. + + _Mr Milestone._ +Here is the new house, without a tree near it, standing in the midst +of an undulating lawn: a white, polished, angular building, reflected +to a nicety in this waveless lake: and there you see Lord Littlebrain +looking out of the window. + + _Squire Headlong._ +And devilish wise he looks too. You shall cut me a giant before you +go. + + _Mr Milestone._ +Good. I'll order down my little corps of pioneers. + +During this conversation, a hot dispute had arisen between Messieurs +Gall and Nightshade; the latter pertinaciously insisting on having his +new poem reviewed by Treacle, who he knew would extol it most loftily, +and not by Gall, whose sarcastic commendation he held in superlative +horror. The remonstrances of Squire Headlong silenced the disputants, +but did not mollify the inflexible Gall, nor appease the irritated +Nightshade, who secretly resolved that, on his return to London, he +would beat his drum in Grub Street, form a mastigophoric corps of his +own, and hoist the standard of determined opposition against this +critical Napoleon. + +Sir Patrick O'Prism now entered, and, after some rapturous +exclamations on the effect of the mountain-moonlight, entreated that +one of the young ladies would favour him with a song. Miss Tenorina +and Miss Graziosa now enchanted the company with some very scientific +compositions, which, as usual, excited admiration and astonishment in +every one, without a single particle of genuine pleasure. The +beautiful Cephalis being then summoned to take her station at the +harp, sang with feeling and simplicity the following air:-- + + LOVE AND OPPORTUNITY + + Oh! who art thou, so swiftly flying? + My name is Love, the child replied: + Swifter I pass than south-winds sighing, + Or streams, through summer vales that glide. + And who art thou, his flight pursuing? + 'Tis cold Neglect whom now you see: + The little god you there are viewing, + Will die, if once he's touched by me. + + Oh! who art thou so fast proceeding, + Ne'er glancing back thine eyes of flame? + Marked but by few, through earth I'm speeding, + And Opportunity's my name. + What form is that, which scowls beside thee? + Repentance is the form you see: + Learn then, the fate may yet betide thee: + She seizes them who seize not me.[6.2] + +The little butler now appeared with a summons to supper, shortly after +which the party dispersed for the night. + + + + + CHAPTER VII + The Walk + + +It was an old custom in Headlong Hall to have breakfast ready at +eight, and continue it till two; that the various guests might rise at +their own hour, breakfast when they came down, and employ the morning +as they thought proper; the squire only expecting that they should +punctually assemble at dinner. During the whole of this period, the +little butler stood sentinel at a side-table near the fire, copiously +furnished with all the apparatus of tea, coffee, chocolate, milk, +cream, eggs, rolls, toast, muffins, bread, butter, potted beef, cold +fowl and partridge, ham, tongue, and anchovy. The Reverend Doctor +Gaster found himself rather _queasy_ in the morning, therefore +preferred breakfasting in bed, on a mug of buttered ale and an anchovy +toast. The three philosophers made their appearance at eight, and +enjoyed _les premices des depouilles_. Mr Foster proposed that, as it +was a fine frosty morning, and they were all good pedestrians, they +should take a walk to Tremadoc, to see the improvements carrying on in +that vicinity. This being readily acceded to, they began their walk. + +After their departure, appeared Squire Headlong and Mr Milestone, who +agreed, over their muffin and partridge, to walk together to a ruined +tower, within the precincts of the squire's grounds, which Mr +Milestone thought he could improve. + +The other guests dropped in by ones and twos, and made their +respective arrangements for the morning. Mr Panscope took a little +ramble with Mr Cranium, in the course of which, the former professed a +great enthusiasm for the science of craniology, and a great deal of +love for the beautiful Cephalis, adding a few words about his +expectations; the old gentleman was unable to withstand this triple +battery, and it was accordingly determined--after the manner of the +heroic age, in which it was deemed superfluous to consult the opinions +and feelings of the lady, as to the manner in which she should be +disposed of--that the lovely Miss Cranium should be made the happy +bride of the accomplished Mr Panscope. We shall leave them for the +present to settle preliminaries, while we accompany the three +philosophers in their walk to Tremadoc. + +The vale contracted as they advanced, and, when they had passed the +termination of the lake, their road wound along a narrow and romantic +pass, through the middle of which an impetuous torrent dashed over +vast fragments of stone. The pass was bordered on both sides by +perpendicular rocks, broken into the wildest forms of fantastic +magnificence. + +"These are, indeed," said Mr Escot, "_confracti mundi rudera_[7.1]: +yet they must be feeble images of the valleys of the Andes, where the +philosophic eye may contemplate, in their utmost extent, the effects +of that tremendous convulsion which destroyed the perpendicularity of +the poles, and inundated this globe with that torrent of physical +evil, from which the greater torrent of moral evil has issued, that +will continue to roll on, with an expansive power and an accelerated +impetus, till the whole human race shall be swept away in its vortex." + +"The precession of the equinoxes," said Mr Foster, "will gradually +ameliorate the physical state of our planet, till the ecliptic shall +again coincide with the equator, and the equal diffusion of light and +heat over the whole surface of the earth typify the equal and happy +existence of man, who will then have attained the final step of pure +and perfect intelligence." + +"It is by no means clear," said Mr Jenkison, "that the axis of the +earth was ever perpendicular to the plane of its orbit, or that it +ever will be so. Explosion and convulsion are necessary to the +maintenance of either hypothesis: for La Place has demonstrated, that +the precession of the equinoxes is only a secular equation of a very +long period, which, of course, proves nothing either on one side or +the other." + +They now emerged, by a winding ascent, from the vale of Llanberris, +and after some little time arrived at Bedd Gelert. Proceeding through +the sublimely romantic pass of Aberglaslynn, their road led along the +edge of Traeth Mawr, a vast arm of the sea, which they then beheld in +all the magnificence of the flowing tide. Another five miles brought +them to the embankment, which has since been completed, and which, by +connecting the two counties of Meirionnydd and Caernarvon, excludes +the sea from an extensive tract. The embankment, which was carried on +at the same time from both the opposite coasts, was then very nearly +meeting in the centre. They walked to the extremity of that part of it +which was thrown out from the Caernarvonshire shore. The tide was now +ebbing: it had filled the vast basin within, forming a lake about five +miles in length and more than one in breadth. As they looked upwards +with their backs to the open sea, they beheld a scene which no other +in this country can parallel, and which the admirers of the +magnificence of nature will ever remember with regret, whatever +consolation may be derived from the probable utility of the works +which have excluded the waters from their ancient receptacle. Vast +rocks and precipices, intersected with little torrents, formed the +barrier on the left: on the right, the triple summit of Moelwyn reared +its majestic boundary: in the depth was that sea of mountains, the +wild and stormy outline of the Snowdonian chain, with the giant Wyddfa +towering in the midst. The mountain-frame remains unchanged, +unchangeable: but the liquid mirror it enclosed is gone. + +The tide ebbed with rapidity: the waters within, retained by the +embankment, poured through its two points an impetuous cataract, +curling and boiling in innumerable eddies, and making a tumultuous +melody admirably in unison with the surrounding scene. The three +philosophers looked on in silence; and at length unwillingly turned +away, and proceeded to the little town of Tremadoc, which is built on +land recovered in a similar manner from the sea. After inspecting the +manufactories, and refreshing themselves at the inn on a cold saddle +of mutton and a bottle of sherry, they retraced their steps towards +Headlong Hall, commenting as they went on the various objects they had +seen. + + _Mr Escot._ +I regret that time did not allow us to see the caves on the sea-shore. +There is one of which the depth is said to be unknown. There is a +tradition in the country, that an adventurous fiddler once resolved to +explore it; that he entered, and never returned; but that the +subterranean sound of a fiddle was heard at a farm-house seven miles +inland. It is, therefore, concluded that he lost his way in the +labyrinth of caverns, supposed to exist under the rocky soil of this +part of the country. + + _Mr Jenkison._ +A supposition that must always remain in force, unless a second +fiddler, equally adventurous and more successful, should return with +an accurate report of the true state of the fact. + + _Mr Foster._ +What think you of the little colony we have just been inspecting; a +city, as it were, in its cradle? + + _Mr Escot._ +With all the weakness of infancy, and all the vices of maturer age. I +confess, the sight of those manufactories, which have suddenly sprung +up, like fungous excrescences, in the bosom of these wild and desolate +scenes, impressed me with as much horror and amazement as the sudden +appearance of the stocking manufactory struck into the mind of +Rousseau, when, in a lonely valley of the Alps, he had just +congratulated himself on finding a spot where man had never been. + + _Mr Foster._ +The manufacturing system is not yet purified from some evils which +necessarily attend it, but which I conceive are greatly overbalanced +by their concomitant advantages. Contemplate the vast sum of human +industry to which this system so essentially contributes: seas covered +with vessels, ports resounding with life, profound researches, +scientific inventions, complicated mechanism, canals carried over deep +valleys, and through the bosoms of hills: employment and existence +thus given to innumerable families, and the multiplied comforts and +conveniences of life diffused over the whole community. + + _Mr Escot._ +You present to me a complicated picture of artificial life, and +require me to admire it. Seas covered with vessels: every one of which +contains two or three tyrants, and from fifty to a thousand slaves, +ignorant, gross, perverted, and active only in mischief. Ports +resounding with life: in other words, with noise and drunkenness, the +mingled din of avarice, intemperance, and prostitution. Profound +researches, scientific inventions: to what end? To contract the sum of +human wants? to teach the art of living on a little? to disseminate +independence, liberty, and health? No; to multiply factitious desires, +to stimulate depraved appetites, to invent unnatural wants, to heap up +incense on the shrine of luxury, and accumulate expedients of selfish +and ruinous profusion. Complicated machinery: behold its blessings. +Twenty years ago, at the door of every cottage sate the good woman +with her spinning-wheel: the children, if not more profitably employed +than in gathering heath and sticks, at least laid in a stock of health +and strength to sustain the labours of maturer years. Where is the +spinning-wheel now, and every simple and insulated occupation of the +industrious cottager? Wherever this boasted machinery is established, +the children of the poor are death-doomed from their cradles. Look for +one moment at midnight into a cotton-mill, amidst the smell of oil, +the smoke of lamps, the rattling of wheels, the dizzy and complicated +motions of diabolical mechanism: contemplate the little human machines +that keep play with the revolutions of the iron work, robbed at that +hour of their natural rest, as of air and exercise by day: observe +their pale and ghastly features, more ghastly in that baleful and +malignant light, and tell me if you do not fancy yourself on the +threshold of Virgil's hell, where + + Continuo auditae voces, vagitus et ingens, + _Infantumque animae flentes_, in limine primo, + Quos _dulcis vitae exsortes_, et ab ubere raptos, + _Abstulit atra dies_, et FUNERE MERSIT ACERBO! + +As Mr Escot said this, a little rosy-cheeked girl, with a basket of +heath on her head, came tripping down the side of one of the rocks on +the left. The force of contrast struck even on the phlegmatic spirit +of Mr Jenkison, and he almost inclined for a moment to the doctrine of +deterioration. Mr Escot continued: + + _Mr Escot._ +Nor is the lot of the parents more enviable. Sedentary victims of +unhealthy toil, they have neither the corporeal energy of the savage, +nor the mental acquisitions of the civilised man. Mind, indeed, they +have none, and scarcely animal life. They are mere automata, component +parts of the enormous machines which administer to the pampered +appetites of the few, who consider themselves the most valuable +portion of a state, because they consume in indolence the fruits of +the earth, and contribute nothing to the benefit of the community. + + _Mr Jenkison._ +That these are evils cannot be denied; but they have their +counterbalancing advantages. That a man should pass the day in a +furnace and the night in a cellar, is bad for the individual, but good +for others who enjoy the benefit of his labour. + + _Mr Escot._ +By what right do they so? + + _Mr Jenkison._ +By the right of all property and all possession: _le droit du plus +fort_. + + _Mr Escot._ +Do you justify that principle? + + _Mr Jenkison._ +I neither justify nor condemn it. It is practically recognised in all +societies; and, though it is certainly the source of enormous evil, I +conceive it is also the source of abundant good, or it would not have +so many supporters. + + _Mr Escot._ +That is by no means a consequence. Do we not every day see men +supporting the most enormous evils, which they know to be so with +respect to others, and which in reality are so with respect to +themselves, though an erroneous view of their own miserable +self-interest induces them to think otherwise? + + _Mr Jenkison._ +Good and evil exist only as they are perceived. I cannot therefore +understand, how that which a man perceives to be good can be in +reality an evil to him: indeed, the word _reality_ only signifies +_strong belief_. + + _Mr Escot._ +The views of such a man I contend are false. If he could be made to +see the truth---- + + _Mr Jenkison._ +He sees his own truth. Truth is that which a man _troweth_. Where +there is no man there is no truth. Thus the truth of one is not the +truth of another.[7.2] + + _Mr Foster._ +I am aware of the etymology; but I contend that there is an universal +and immutable truth, deducible from the nature of things. + + _Mr Jenkison._ +By whom deducible? Philosophers have investigated the nature of things +for centuries, yet no two of them will agree in _trowing_ the same +conclusion. + + _Mr Foster._ +The progress of philosophical investigation, and the rapidly +increasing accuracy of human knowledge, approximate by degrees the +diversities of opinion; so that, in process of time, moral science +will be susceptible of mathematical demonstration; and, clear and +indisputable principles being universally recognised, the coincidence +of deduction will necessarily follow. + + _Mr Escot._ +Possibly when the inroads of luxury and disease shall have +exterminated nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and +ninety-nine of every million of the human race, the remaining +fractional units may congregate into one point, and come to something +like the same conclusion. + + _Mr Jenkison._ +I doubt it much. I conceive, if only we three were survivors of the +whole system of terrestrial being, we should never agree in our +decisions as to the cause of the calamity. + + _Mr Escot._ +Be that as it may, I think you must at least assent to the following +positions: that the many are sacrificed to the few; that ninety-nine +in a hundred are occupied in a perpetual struggle for the preservation +of a perilous and precarious existence, while the remaining one +wallows in all the redundancies of luxury that can be wrung from their +labours and privations; that luxury and liberty are incompatible; and +that every new want you invent for civilised man is a new instrument +of torture for him who cannot indulge it. + +They had now regained the shores of the lake, when the conversation +was suddenly interrupted by a tremendous explosion, followed by a +violent splashing of water, and various sounds of tumult and +confusion, which induced them to quicken their pace towards the spot +whence they proceeded. + + + + + CHAPTER VIII + The Tower + + +In all the thoughts, words, and actions of Squire Headlong, there was +a remarkable alacrity of progression, which almost annihilated the +interval between conception and execution. He was utterly regardless +of obstacles, and seemed to have expunged their very name from his +vocabulary. His designs were never nipped in their infancy by the +contemplation of those trivial difficulties which often turn awry the +current of enterprise; and, though the rapidity of his movements was +sometimes arrested by a more formidable barrier, either naturally +existing in the pursuit he had undertaken, or created by his own +impetuosity, he seldom failed to succeed either in knocking it down or +cutting his way through it. He had little idea of gradation: he saw no +interval between the first step and the last, but pounced upon his +object with the impetus of a mountain cataract. This rapidity of +movement, indeed, subjected him to some disasters which cooler spirits +would have escaped. He was an excellent sportsman, and almost always +killed his game; but now and then he killed his dog.[8.1] Rocks, +streams, hedges, gates, and ditches, were objects of no account in his +estimation; though a dislocated shoulder, several severe bruises, and +two or three narrow escapes for his neck, might have been expected to +teach him a certain degree of caution in effecting his transitions. He +was so singularly alert in climbing precipices and traversing +torrents, that, when he went out on a shooting party, he was very soon +left to continue his sport alone, for he was sure to dash up or down +some nearly perpendicular path, where no one else had either ability +or inclination to follow. He had a pleasure boat on the lake, which he +steered with amazing dexterity; but as he always indulged himself in +the utmost possible latitude of sail, he was occasionally upset by a +sudden gust, and was indebted to his skill in the art of swimming for +the opportunity of tempering with a copious libation of wine the +unnatural frigidity introduced into his stomach by the extraordinary +intrusion of water, an element which he had religiously determined +should never pass his lips, but of which, on these occasions, he was +sometimes compelled to swallow no inconsiderable quantity. This +circumstance alone, of the various disasters that befell him, +occasioned him any permanent affliction, and he accordingly noted the +day in his pocket-book as a _dies nefastus_, with this simple +abstract, and brief chronicle of the calamity: _Mem. Swallowed two or +three pints of water_: without any notice whatever of the concomitant +circumstances. These days, of which there were several, were set apart +in Headlong Hall for the purpose of anniversary expiation; and, as +often as the day returned on which the squire had swallowed water, he +not only made a point of swallowing a treble allowance of wine +himself, but imposed a heavy mulct on every one of his servants who +should be detected in a state of sobriety after sunset: but their +conduct on these occasions was so uniformly exemplary, that no +instance of the infliction of the penalty appears on record. + +The squire and Mr Milestone, as we have already said, had set out +immediately after breakfast to examine the capabilities of the +scenery. The object that most attracted Mr Milestone's admiration was +a ruined tower on a projecting point of rock, almost totally overgrown +with ivy. This ivy, Mr Milestone observed, required trimming and +clearing in various parts: a little pointing and polishing was also +necessary for the dilapidated walls: and the whole effect would be +materially increased by a plantation of spruce fir, interspersed with +cypress and juniper, the present rugged and broken ascent from the +land side being first converted into a beautiful slope, which might be +easily effected by blowing up a part of the rock with gunpowder, +laying on a quantity of fine mould, and covering the whole with an +elegant stratum of turf. + +Squire Headlong caught with avidity at this suggestion; and, as he had +always a store of gunpowder in the house, for the accommodation of +himself and his shooting visitors, and for the supply of a small +battery of cannon, which he kept for his private amusement, he +insisted on commencing operations immediately. Accordingly, he bounded +back to the house, and very speedily returned, accompanied by the +little butler, and half a dozen servants and labourers, with pickaxes +and gunpowder, a hanging stove and a poker, together with a basket of +cold meat and two or three bottles of Madeira: for the Squire thought, +with many others, that a copious supply of provision is a very +necessary ingredient in all rural amusements. + +Mr Milestone superintended the proceedings. The rock was excavated, +the powder introduced, the apertures strongly blockaded with fragments +of stone: a long train was laid to a spot which Mr Milestone fixed on +as sufficiently remote from the possibility of harm: the Squire seized +the poker, and, after flourishing it in the air with a degree of +dexterity which induced the rest of the party to leave him in solitary +possession of an extensive circumference, applied the end of it to the +train; and the rapidly communicated ignition ran hissing along the +surface of the soil. + +At this critical moment, Mr Cranium and Mr Panscope appeared at the +top of the tower, which, unseeing and unseen, they had ascended on the +opposite side to that where the Squire and Mr Milestone were +conducting their operations. Their sudden appearance a little dismayed +the Squire, who, however, comforted himself with the reflection, that +the tower was perfectly safe, or at least was intended to be so, and +that his friends were in no probable danger but of a knock on the head +from a flying fragment of stone. + +The succession of these thoughts in the mind of the Squire was +commensurate in rapidity to the progress of the ignition, which having +reached its extremity, the explosion took place, and the shattered +rock was hurled into the air in the midst of fire and smoke. + +Mr Milestone had properly calculated the force of the explosion; for +the tower remained untouched: but the Squire, in his consolatory +reflections, had omitted the consideration of the influence of sudden +fear, which had so violent an effect on Mr Cranium, who was just +commencing a speech concerning the very fine prospect from the top of +the tower, that, cutting short the thread of his observations, he +bounded, under the elastic influence of terror, several feet into the +air. His ascent being unluckily a little out of the perpendicular, he +descended with a proportionate curve from the apex of his projection, +and alighted not on the wall of the tower, but in an ivy-bush by its +side, which, giving way beneath him, transferred him to a tuft of +hazel at its base, which, after upholding him an instant, consigned +him to the boughs of an ash that had rooted itself in a fissure about +half way down the rock, which finally transmitted him to the waters +below. + +Squire Headlong anxiously watched the tower as the smoke which at +first enveloped it rolled away; but when this shadowy curtain was +withdrawn, and Mr Panscope was discovered, _solus_, in a tragical +attitude, his apprehensions became boundless, and he concluded that +the unlucky collision of a flying fragment of rock had indeed +emancipated the spirit of the craniologist from its terrestrial +bondage. + +Mr Escot had considerably outstripped his companions, and arrived at +the scene of the disaster just as Mr Cranium, being utterly destitute +of natatorial skill, was in imminent danger of final submersion. The +deteriorationist, who had cultivated this valuable art with great +success, immediately plunged in to his assistance, and brought him +alive and in safety to a shelving part of the shore. Their landing was +hailed with a view-holla from the delighted Squire, who, shaking them +both heartily by the hand, and making ten thousand lame apologies to +Mr Cranium, concluded by asking, in a pathetic tone, _How much water +he had swallowed?_ and without waiting for his answer, filled a large +tumbler with Madeira, and insisted on his tossing it off, which was no +sooner said than done. Mr Jenkison and Mr Foster now made their +appearance. Mr Panscope descended the tower, which he vowed never +again to approach within a quarter of a mile. The tumbler of Madeira +was replenished, and handed round to recruit the spirits of the party, +which now began to move towards Headlong Hall, the Squire capering for +joy in the van, and the little fat butler waddling in the rear. + +The Squire took care that Mr Cranium should be seated next to him at +dinner, and plied him so hard with Madeira to prevent him, as he said, +from taking cold, that long before the ladies sent in their summons to +coffee, every organ in his brain was in a complete state of +revolution, and the Squire was under the necessity of ringing for +three or four servants to carry him to bed, observing, with a smile of +great satisfaction, that he was in a very excellent way for escaping +any ill consequences that might have resulted from his accident. + +The beautiful Cephalis, being thus freed from his _surveillance_, was +enabled, during the course of the evening, to develop to his preserver +the full extent of her gratitude. + + + + + CHAPTER IX + The Sexton + + +Mr Escot passed a sleepless night, the ordinary effect of love, +according to some amatory poets, who seem to have composed their +whining ditties for the benevolent purpose of bestowing on others that +gentle slumber of which they so pathetically lament the privation. The +deteriorationist entered into a profound moral soliloquy, in which he +first examined _whether a philosopher ought to be in love?_ Having +decided this point affirmatively against Plato and Lucretius, he next +examined, _whether that passion ought to have the effect of keeping a +philosopher awake?_ Having decided this negatively, he resolved to go +to sleep immediately: not being able to accomplish this to his +satisfaction, he tossed and tumbled, like Achilles or Orlando, first +on one side, then on the other; repeated to himself several hundred +lines of poetry; counted a thousand; began again, and counted another +thousand: in vain: the beautiful Cephalis was the predominant image in +all his soliloquies, in all his repetitions: even in the numerical +process from which he sought relief, he did but associate the idea of +number with that of his dear tormentor, till she appeared to his +mind's eye in a thousand similitudes, distinct, not different. These +thousand images, indeed, were but one; and yet the one was a thousand, +a sort of uni-multiplex phantasma, which will be very intelligible to +some understandings. + +He arose with the first peep of day, and sallied forth to enjoy the +balmy breeze of morning, which any but a lover might have thought too +cool; for it was an intense frost, the sun had not risen, and the wind +was rather fresh from north-east and by north. But a lover, who, like +Ladurlad in the Curse of Kehama, always has, or at least is supposed +to have, "a fire in his heart and a fire in his brain," feels a wintry +breeze from N.E. and by N. steal over his cheek like the south over a +bank of violets; therefore, on walked the philosopher, with his coat +unbuttoned and his hat in his hand, careless of whither he went, till +he found himself near the enclosure of a little mountain chapel. +Passing through the wicket, and stepping over two or three graves, he +stood on a rustic tombstone, and peeped through the chapel window, +examining the interior with as much curiosity as if he had "forgotten +what the inside of a church was made of," which, it is rather to be +feared, was the case. Before him and beneath him were the font, the +altar, and the grave; which gave rise to a train of moral reflections +on the three great epochs in the course of the _featherless +biped_,--birth, marriage, and death. The middle stage of the process +arrested his attention; and his imagination placed before him several +figures, which he thought, with the addition of his own, would make a +very picturesque group; the beautiful Cephalis, "arrayed in her bridal +apparel of white;" her friend Caprioletta officiating as bridemaid; Mr +Cranium giving her away; and, last, not least, the Reverend Doctor +Gaster, intoning the marriage ceremony with the regular orthodox +allowance of nasal recitative. Whilst he was feasting his eyes on this +imaginary picture, the demon of mistrust insinuated himself into the +storehouse of his conceptions, and, removing his figure from the +group, substituted that of Mr Panscope, which gave such a violent +shock to his feelings, that he suddenly exclaimed, with an +extraordinary elevation of voice, _Oimoi kakodaimon, kai tris +kakodaimon, kai tetrakis, kai pentakis, kai dodekakis, kai +muriakis!_[9.1] to the great terror of the sexton, who was just +entering the churchyard, and, not knowing from whence the voice +proceeded, _pensa que fut un diableteau_. The sight of the philosopher +dispelled his apprehensions, when, growing suddenly valiant, he +immediately addressed him:-- + +"Cot pless your honour, I should n't have thought of meeting any pody +here at this time of the morning, except, look you, it was the +tevil--who, to pe sure, toes not often come upon consecrated +cround--put for all that, I think I have seen him now and then, in +former tays, when old Nanny Llwyd of Llyn-isa was living--Cot teliver +us! a terriple old witch to pe sure she was--I tid n't much like +tigging her crave--put I prought two cocks with me--the tevil hates +cocks--and tied them py the leg on two tombstones--and I tug, and the +cocks crowed, and the tevil kept at a tistance. To pe sure now, if I +had n't peen very prave py nature--as I ought to pe truly--for my +father was Owen Ap-Llwyd Ap-Gryffydd Ap-Shenkin Ap-Williams Ap-Thomas +Ap-Morgan Ap-Parry Ap-Evan Ap-Rhys, a coot preacher and a lover of +_cwrw_[9.2]--I should have thought just now pefore I saw your honour, +that the foice I heard was the tevil's calling Nanny Llwyd--Cot pless +us! to pe sure she should have been puried in the middle of the river, +where the tevil can't come, as your honour fery well knows." + +"I am perfectly aware of it," said Mr Escot. + +"True, true," continued the sexton; "put to pe sure, Owen Thomas of +Morfa-Bach will have it that one summer evening--when he went over to +Cwm Cynfael in Meirionnydd, apout some cattles he wanted to puy--he +saw a strange figure--pless us!--with five horns!--Cot save us! +sitting on Hugh Llwyd's pulpit, which, your honour fery well knows, is +a pig rock in the middle of the river----" + +"Of course he was mistaken," said Mr Escot. + +"To pe sure he was," said the sexton. "For there is no toubt put the +tevil, when Owen Thomas saw him, must have peen sitting on a piece of +rock in a straight line from him on the other side of the river, where +he used to sit, look you, for a whole summer's tay, while Hugh Llwyd +was on his pulpit, and there they used to talk across the water! for +Hugh Llwyd, please your honour, never raised the tevil except when he +was safe in the middle of the river, which proves that Owen Thomas, in +his fright, did n't pay proper attention to the exact spot where the +tevil was." + +The sexton concluded his speech with an approving smile at his own +sagacity, in so luminously expounding the nature of Owen Thomas's +mistake. + +"I perceive," said Mr Escot, "you have a very deep insight into +things, and can, therefore, perhaps, facilitate the resolution of a +question, concerning which, though I have little doubt on the subject, +I am desirous of obtaining the most extensive and accurate +information." + +The sexton scratched his head, the language of Mr Escot not being to +his apprehension quite so luminous as his own. + +"You have been sexton here," continued Mr Escot, in the language of +Hamlet, "man and boy, forty years." + +The sexton turned pale. The period Mr Escot named was so nearly the +true one, that he began to suspect the personage before him of being +rather too familiar with Hugh Llwyd's sable visitor. Recovering +himself a little, he said, "Why, thereapouts, sure enough." + +"During this period, you have of course dug up many bones of the +people of ancient times." + +"Pones! Cot pless you, yes! pones as old as the 'orlt." + +"Perhaps you can show me a few." + +The sexton grinned horribly a ghastly smile. "Will you take your Pible +oath you ton't want them to raise the tevil with?" + +"Willingly," said Mr Escot, smiling; "I have an abstruse reason for +the inquiry." + +"Why, if you have an _obtuse_ reason," said the sexton, who thought +this a good opportunity to show that he could pronounce hard words as +well as other people; "if you have an _obtuse_ reason, that alters the +case." + +So saying he led the way to the bone-house, from which he began to +throw out various bones and skulls of more than common dimensions, and +amongst them a skull of very extraordinary magnitude, which he swore +by St David was the skull of Cadwallader. + +"How do you know this to be his skull?" said Mr Escot. + +"He was the piggest man that ever lived, and he was puried here; and +this is the piggest skull I ever found: you see now----" + +"Nothing can be more logical," said Mr Escot. "My good friend will you +allow me to take this skull away with me?" + +"St Winifred pless us!" exclaimed the sexton, "would you have me +haunted py his chost for taking his plessed pones out of consecrated +cround? Would you have him come in the tead of the night, and fly away +with the roof of my house? Would you have all the crop of my carden +come to nothing? for, look you, his epitaph says, + + "He that my pones shall ill pestow, + Leek in his cround shall never crow." + +"You will ill bestow them," said Mr Escot, "in confounding them with +those of the sons of little men, the degenerate dwarfs of later +generations; you will well bestow them in giving them to me: for I +will have this illustrious skull bound with a silver rim, and filled +with mantling wine, with this inscription, NUNC TANDEM: signifying +that that pernicious liquor has at length found its proper receptacle; +for, when the wine is in, the brain is out." + +Saying these words, he put a dollar into the hands of the sexton, who +instantly stood spellbound by the talismanic influence of the coin, +while Mr Escot walked off in triumph with the skull of Cadwallader. + + + + + CHAPTER X + The Skull + + +When Mr Escot entered the breakfast-room he found the majority of the +party assembled, and the little butler very active at his station. +Several of the ladies shrieked at the sight of the skull; and Miss +Tenorina, starting up in great haste and terror, caused the subversion +of a cup of chocolate, which a servant was handing to the Reverend +Doctor Gaster, into the nape of the neck of Sir Patrick O'Prism. Sir +Patrick, rising impetuously, _to clap an extinguisher_, as he +expressed himself, _on the farthing rushlight of the rascal's life_, +pushed over the chair of Marmaduke Milestone, Esquire, who, catching +for support at the first thing that came in his way, which happened +unluckily to be the corner of the table-cloth, drew it instantaneously +with him to the floor, involving plates, cups and saucers, in one +promiscuous ruin. But, as the principal _materiel_ of the breakfast +apparatus was on the little butler's side-table, the confusion +occasioned by this accident was happily greater than the damage. Miss +Tenorina was so agitated that she was obliged to retire: Miss Graziosa +accompanied her through pure sisterly affection and sympathy, not +without a lingering look at Sir Patrick, who likewise retired to +change his coat, but was very expeditious in returning to resume his +attack on the cold partridge. The broken cups were cleared away, the +cloth relaid, and the array of the table restored with wonderful +celerity. + +Mr Escot was a little surprised at the scene of confusion which +signalised his entrance; but, perfectly unconscious that it originated +with the skull of Cadwallader, he advanced to seat himself at the +table by the side of the beautiful Cephalis, first placing the skull +in a corner, out of the reach of Mr Cranium, who sate eyeing it with +lively curiosity, and after several efforts to restrain his +impatience, exclaimed, "You seem to have found a rarity." + +"A rarity indeed," said Mr Escot, cracking an egg as he spoke; "no +less than the genuine and indubitable skull of Cadwallader." + +"The skull of Cadwallader!" vociferated Mr Cranium; "O treasure of +treasures!" + +Mr Escot then detailed by what means he had become possessed of it, +which gave birth to various remarks from the other individuals of the +party: after which, rising from table, and taking the skull again in +his hand, + +"This skull," said he, "is the skull of a hero, _palai +katatethneiotos_[10.1], and sufficiently demonstrates a point, +concerning which I never myself entertained a doubt, that the human +race is undergoing a gradual process of diminution, in length, +breadth, and thickness. Observe this skull. Even the skull of our +reverend friend, which is the largest and thickest in the company, is +not more than half its size. The frame this skull belonged to could +scarcely have been less than nine feet high. Such is the lamentable +progress of degeneracy and decay. In the course of ages, a boot of the +present generation would form an ample chateau for a large family of +our remote posterity. The mind, too, participates in the contraction +of the body. Poets and philosophers of all ages and nations have +lamented this too visible process of physical and moral deterioration. +'The sons of little men', says Ossian. '_Oioi nun brotoi eisin_,' says +Homer: 'such men as live in these degenerate days.' 'All things,' says +Virgil, 'have a retrocessive tendency, and grow worse and worse by the +inevitable doom of fate.'[10.2] 'We live in the ninth age,' says +Juvenal, 'an age worse than the age of iron; nature has no +metal sufficiently pernicious to give a denomination to its +wickedness.'[10.3] 'Our fathers,' says Horace, 'worse than our +grandfathers, have given birth to us, their more vicious progeny, +who, in our turn, shall become the parents of a still viler +generation.'[10.4] You all know the fable of the buried Pict, who bit +off the end of a pickaxe, with which sacrilegious hands were breaking +open his grave, and called out with a voice like subterranean thunder, +_I perceive the degeneracy of your race by the smallness of your +little finger!_ videlicet, the pickaxe. This, to be sure, is a +fiction; but it shows the prevalent opinion, the feeling, the +conviction, of absolute, universal, irremediable deterioration." + +"I should be sorry," said Mr Foster, "that such an opinion should +become universal, independently of my conviction of its fallacy. Its +general admission would tend, in a great measure, to produce the very +evils it appears to lament. What could be its effect, but to check the +ardour of investigation, to extinguish the zeal of philanthropy, to +freeze the current of enterprising hope, to bury in the torpor of +scepticism and in the stagnation of despair, every better faculty of +the human mind, which will necessarily become retrograde in ceasing to +be progressive?" + +"I am inclined to think, on the contrary," said Mr Escot, "that the +deterioration of man is accelerated by his blindness--in many respects +wilful blindness--to the truth of the fact itself, and to the causes +which produce it; that there is no hope whatever of ameliorating his +condition but in a total and radical change of the whole scheme of +human life, and that the advocates of his indefinite perfectibility +are in reality the greatest enemies to the practical possibility of +their own system, by so strenuously labouring to impress on his +attention that he is going on in a good way, while he is really in a +deplorably bad one." + +"I admit," said Mr Foster, "there are many things that may, and +therefore will, be changed for the better." + +"Not on the present system," said Mr Escot, "in which every change is +for the worse." + +"In matters of taste I am sure it is," said Mr Gall: "there is, in +fact, no such thing as good taste left in the world." + +"Oh, Mr Gall!" said Miss Philomela Poppyseed, "I thought my novel----" + +"My paintings," said Sir Patrick O'Prism---- + +"My ode," said Mr Mac Laurel---- + +"My ballad," said Mr Nightshade---- + +"My plan for Lord Littlebrain's park," said Marmaduke Milestone, +Esquire---- + +"My essay," said Mr Treacle---- + +"My sonata," said Mr Chromatic---- + +"My claret," said Squire Headlong---- + +"My lectures," said Mr Cranium---- + +"Vanity of vanities," said the Reverend Doctor Gaster, turning down an +empty egg-shell; "all is vanity and vexation of spirit." + + + + + CHAPTER XI + The Anniversary + + +Among the _dies alba creta notandos_, which the beau monde of the +Cambrian mountains was in the habit of remembering with the greatest +pleasure, and anticipating with the most lively satisfaction, was the +Christmas ball which the ancient family of the Headlongs had been +accustomed to give from time immemorial. Tradition attributed the +honour of its foundation to Headlong Ap-Headlong Ap-Breakneck +Ap-Headlong Ap-Cataract Ap-Pistyll Ap-Rhaidr[11.1] Ap-Headlong, who +lived about the time of the Trojan war. Certain it is, at least, that +a grand chorus was always sung after supper in honour of this +illustrious ancestor of the squire. This ball was, indeed, an aera in +the lives of all the beauty and fashion of Caernarvon, Meirionnydd, +and Anglesea, and, like the Greek Olympiads and the Roman consulates, +served as the main pillar of memory, round which all the events of the +year were suspended and entwined. Thus, in recalling to mind any +circumstance imperfectly recollected, the principal point to be +ascertained was, whether it had occurred in the year of the first, +second, third, or fourth ball of Headlong Ap-Breakneck, or Headlong +Ap-Torrent, or Headlong Ap-Hurricane; and, this being satisfactorily +established, the remainder followed of course in the natural order of +its ancient association. + +This eventful anniversary being arrived, every chariot, coach, +barouche and barouchette, landau and landaulet, chaise, curricle, +buggy, whiskey, and tilbury, of the three counties, was in motion: not +a horse was left idle within five miles of any gentleman's seat, from +the high-mettled hunter to the heath-cropping galloway. The ferrymen +of the Menai were at their stations before daybreak, taking a double +allowance of rum and _cwrw_ to strengthen them for the fatigues of the +day. The ivied towers of Caernarvon, the romantic woods of +Tan-y-bwlch, the heathy hills of Kernioggau, the sandy shores of +Tremadoc, the mountain recesses of Bedd-Gelert, and the lonely lakes +of Capel-Cerig, re-echoed to the voices of the delighted ostlers and +postillions, who reaped on this happy day their wintry harvest. +Landlords and landladies, waiters, chambermaids, and toll-gate +keepers, roused themselves from the torpidity which the last solitary +tourist, flying with the yellow leaves on the wings of the autumnal +wind, had left them to enjoy till the returning spring: the bustle of +August was renewed on all the mountain roads, and, in the meanwhile, +Squire Headlong and his little fat butler carried most energetically +into effect the lessons of the _savant_ in the Court of +Quintessence, _qui par engin mirificque jectoit les maisons par les +fenestres_[11.2]. + +It was the custom for the guests to assemble at dinner on the day of +the ball, and depart on the following morning after breakfast. Sleep +during this interval was out of the question: the ancient harp of +Cambria suspended the celebration of the noble race of Shenkin, and +the songs of Hoel and Cyveilioc, to ring to the profaner but more +lively modulation of _Voulez vous danser, Mademoiselle?_ in +conjunction with the symphonious scraping of fiddles, the tinkling of +triangles, and the beating of tambourines. Comus and Momus were the +deities of the night; and Bacchus of course was not forgotten by the +male part of the assembly (with them, indeed, a ball was invariably a +scene of "_tipsy dance and jollity_"): the servants flew about with +wine and negus, and the little butler was indefatigable with his +corkscrew, which is reported on one occasion to have grown so hot +under the influence of perpetual friction that it actually set fire to +the cork. + +The company assembled. The dinner, which on this occasion was a +secondary object, was despatched with uncommon celerity. When the +cloth was removed, and the bottle had taken its first round, Mr +Cranium stood up and addressed the company. + +"Ladies and gentlemen," said he, "the golden key of mental +phaenomena, which has lain buried for ages in the deepest vein of the +mine of physiological research, is now, by a happy combination of +practical and speculative investigations, grasped, if I may so +express myself, firmly and inexcusably, in the hands of +physiognomical empiricism." The Cambrian visitors listened with +profound attention, not comprehending a single syllable he said, but +concluding he would finish his speech by proposing the health of +Squire Headlong. The gentlemen accordingly tossed off their heeltaps, +and Mr Cranium proceeded: "Ardently desirous, to the extent of my +feeble capacity, of disseminating as much as possible, the +inexhaustible treasures to which this golden key admits the humblest +votary of philosophical truth, I invite you, when you have +sufficiently restored, replenished, refreshed, and exhilarated that +osteosarchaematosplanchnochondroneuromuelous, or to employ a more +intelligible term, osseocarnisanguineoviscericartilaginonervomedullary, +_compages_, or shell, the body, which at once envelopes and developes +that mysterious and inestimable kernel, the desiderative, +determinative, ratiocinative, imaginative, inquisitive, appetitive, +comparative, reminiscent, congeries of ideas and notions, simple and +compound, comprised in the comprehensive denomination of mind, +to take a peep with me into the mechanical arcana of the +anatomico-metaphysical universe. Being not in the least dubitative of +your spontaneous compliance, I proceed," added he, suddenly changing +his tone, "to get everything ready in the library." Saying these +words, he vanished. + +The Welsh squires now imagined they had caught a glimpse of his +meaning, and set him down in their minds for a sort of gentleman +conjuror, who intended to amuse them before the ball with some tricks +of legerdemain. Under this impression, they became very impatient to +follow him, as they had made up their minds not to be drunk before +supper. The ladies, too, were extremely curious to witness an +exhibition which had been announced in so singular a preamble; and the +squire, having previously insisted on every gentleman tossing off a +half-pint bumper, adjourned the whole party to the library, where they +were not a little surprised to discover Mr Cranium seated, in a +pensive attitude, at a large table, decorated with a copious variety +of skulls. + +Some of the ladies were so much shocked at this extraordinary display, +that a scene of great confusion ensued. Fans were very actively +exercised, and water was strenuously called for by some of the most +officious of the gentlemen; on which the little butler entered with a +large allowance of liquid, which bore, indeed, the name of _water_, +but was in reality a very powerful spirit. This was the only species +of water which the little butler had ever heard called for in Headlong +Hall. The mistake was not attended with any evil effects: for the +fluid was no sooner applied to the lips of the fainting fair ones, +than it resuscitated them with an expedition truly miraculous. + +Order was at length restored; the audience took their seats, and the +craniological orator held forth in the following terms: + + + + + CHAPTER XII + The Lecture + + +"Physiologists have been much puzzled to account for the varieties of +moral character in men, as well as for the remarkable similarity of +habit and disposition in all the individual animals of every other +respective species. A few brief sentences, perspicuously worded, and +scientifically arranged, will enumerate all the characteristics of a +lion, or a tiger, or a wolf, or a bear, or a squirrel, or a goat, or a +horse, or an ass, or a rat, or a cat, or a hog, or a dog; and whatever +is physiologically predicted of any individual lion, tiger, wolf, +bear, squirrel, goat, horse, ass, hog, or dog, will be found to hold +true of all lions, tigers, wolves, bears, squirrels, goats, horses, +asses, hogs, and dogs, whatsoever. Now, in man, the very reverse of +this appears to be the case; for he has so few distinct and +characteristic marks which hold true of all his species, that +philosophers in all ages have found it a task of infinite difficulty +to give him a definition. Hence one has defined him to be a +_featherless biped_, a definition which is equally applicable to an +unfledged fowl: another to be _an animal which forms opinions_, than +which nothing can be more inaccurate, for a very small number of the +species form opinions, and the remainder take them upon trust, without +investigation or inquiry. + +"Again, man has been defined to be _an animal that carries a stick_: +an attribute which undoubtedly belongs to man only, but not to all men +always; though it uniformly characterises some of the graver and more +imposing varieties, such as physicians, oran-outangs, and lords in +waiting. + +"We cannot define man to be a reasoning animal, for we do not dispute +that idiots are men; to say nothing of that very numerous description +of persons who consider themselves reasoning animals, and are so +denominated by the ironical courtesy of the world, who labour, +nevertheless, under a very gross delusion in that essential +particular. + +"It appears to me that man may be correctly defined an animal, which, +without any peculiar or distinguishing faculty of its own, is, as it +were, a bundle or compound of faculties of other animals, by a +distinct enumeration of which any individual of the species may be +satisfactorily described. This is manifest, even in the ordinary +language of conversation, when, in summing up, for example, the +qualities of an accomplished courtier, we say he has the vanity of a +peacock, the cunning of a fox, the treachery of an hyaena, the +cold-heartedness of a cat, and the servility of a jackal. That this is +perfectly consentaneous to scientific truth, will appear in the +further progress of these observations. + +"Every particular faculty of the mind has its corresponding organ in +the brain. In proportion as any particular faculty or propensity +acquires paramount activity in any individual, these organs develope +themselves, and their development becomes externally obvious by +corresponding lumps and bumps, exuberances and protuberances, on the +osseous compages of the occiput and sinciput. In all animals but man, +the same organ is equally developed in every individual of the +species: for instance, that of migration in the swallow, that of +destruction in the tiger, that of architecture in the beaver, and that +of parental affection in the bear. The human brain, however, consists, +as I have said, of a bundle or compound of all the faculties of all +other animals; and from the greater development of one or more of +these, in the infinite varieties of combination, result all the +peculiarities of individual character. + +"Here is the skull of a beaver, and that of Sir Christopher Wren. You +observe, in both these specimens, the prodigious development of the +organ of constructiveness. + +"Here is the skull of a bullfinch, and that of an eminent fiddler. You +may compare the organ of music. + +"Here is the skull of a tiger. You observe the organ of carnage. Here +is the skull of a fox. You observe the organ of plunder. Here is the +skull of a peacock. You observe the organ of vanity. Here is the skull +of an illustrious robber, who, after a long and triumphant process of +depredation and murder, was suddenly checked in his career by means of +a certain quality inherent in preparations of hemp, which, for the +sake of perspicuity, I shall call _suspensiveness_. Here is the skull +of a conqueror, who, after over-running several kingdoms, burning a +number of cities, and causing the deaths of two or three millions of +men, women, and children, was entombed with all the pageantry of +public lamentation, and figured as the hero of several thousand odes +and a round dozen of epics; while the poor highwayman was twice +executed-- + + 'At the gallows first, and after in a ballad, + Sung to a villainous tune.' + +"You observe, in both these skulls, the combined development of the +organs of carnage, plunder, and vanity, which I have separately +pointed out in the tiger, the fox, and the peacock. The greater +enlargement of the organ of vanity in the hero is the only criterion +by which I can distinguish them from each other. Born with the same +faculties, and the same propensities, these two men were formed by +nature to run the same career: the different combinations of external +circumstances decided the differences of their destinies. + +"Here is the skull of a Newfoundland dog. You observe the organ of +benevolence, and that of attachment. Here is a human skull, in which +you may observe a very striking negation of both these organs; and an +equally striking development of those of destruction, cunning, +avarice, and self-love. This was one of the most illustrious statesmen +that ever flourished in the page of history. + +"Here is the skull of a turnspit, which, after a wretched life of +_dirty work_, was turned out of doors to die on a dunghill. I have +been induced to preserve it, in consequence of its remarkable +similarity to this, which belonged to a courtly poet, who having grown +grey in flattering the great, was cast off in the same manner to +perish by the same catastrophe." + +_After these, and several other illustrations, during which the skulls +were handed round for the inspection of the company, Mr Cranium +proceeded thus:--_ + +"It is obvious, from what I have said, that no man can hope for +worldly honour or advancement, who is not placed in such a relation to +external circumstances as may be consentaneous to his peculiar +cerebral organs; and I would advise every parent, who has the welfare +of his son at heart, to procure as extensive a collection as possible +of the skulls of animals, and, before determining on the choice of a +profession, to compare with the utmost nicety their bumps and +protuberances with those of the skull of his son. If the development +of the organ of destruction point out a similarity between the youth +and the tiger, let him be brought to some profession (whether that of +a butcher, a soldier, or a physician, may be regulated by +circumstances) in which he may be furnished with a licence to kill: +as, without such licence, the indulgence of his natural propensity may +lead to the untimely rescission of his vital thread, 'with edge of +penny cord and vile reproach.' If he show an analogy with the jackal, +let all possible influence be used to procure him a place at court, +where he will infallibly thrive. If his skull bear a marked +resemblance to that of a magpie, it cannot be doubted that he will +prove an admirable lawyer; and if with this advantageous conformation +be combined any similitude to that of an owl, very confident hopes may +be formed of his becoming a judge." + +A furious flourish of music was now heard from the ball-room, the +squire having secretly dispatched the little butler to order it to +strike up, by way of a hint to Mr Cranium to finish his harangue. The +company took the hint and adjourned tumultuously, having just +understood as much of the lecture as furnished them with amusement for +the ensuing twelvemonth, in feeling the skulls of all their +acquaintance. + + + + + CHAPTER XIII + The Ball + + +The ball-room was adorned with great taste and elegance, under the +direction of Miss Caprioletta and her friend Miss Cephalis, who were +themselves its most beautiful ornaments, even though romantic Meirion, +the pre-eminent in loveliness, sent many of its loveliest daughters to +grace the festive scene. Numberless were the solicitations of the +dazzled swains of Cambria for the honour of the two first dances with +the one or the other of these fascinating friends; but little availed, +on this occasion, the pedigree lineally traced from Caractacus or King +Arthur; their two philosophical lovers, neither of whom could have +given the least account of his great-great-grandfather, had engaged +them many days before. Mr Panscope chafed and fretted like Llugwy in +his bed of rocks, when the object of his adoration stood up with his +rival: but he consoled himself with a lively damsel from the vale of +Edeirnion, having first compelled Miss Cephalis to promise him her +hand for the fourth set. + +The ball was accordingly opened by Miss Caprioletta and Mr Foster, +which gave rise to much speculation among the Welsh gentry, as to who +this Mr Foster could be; some of the more learned among them secretly +resolving to investigate most profoundly the antiquity of the name of +Foster, and ascertain what right a person so denominated could have to +open the most illustrious of all possible balls with the lovely +Caprioletta Headlong, the only sister of Harry Headlong, Esquire, of +Headlong Hall, in the Vale of Llanberris, the only surviving male +representative of the antediluvian family of Headlong Ap-Rhaiader. + +When the first two dances were ended, Mr Escot, who did not choose to +dance with any one but his adorable Cephalis, looking round for a +convenient seat, discovered Mr Jenkison in a corner by the side of the +Reverend Doctor Gaster, who was keeping excellent time with his nose +to the lively melody of the harp and fiddle. Mr Escot seated himself +by the side of Mr Jenkison, and inquired if he took no part in the +amusement of the night? + + _Mr Jenkison._ +No. The universal cheerfulness of the company induces me to rise; the +trouble of such violent exercise induces me to sit still. Did I see a +young lady in want of a partner, gallantry would incite me to offer +myself as her devoted knight for half an hour: but, as I perceive +there are enough without me, that motive is null. I have been weighing +these points _pro_ and _con_, and remain _in statu quo_. + + _Mr Escot._ +I have danced, contrary to my system, as I have done many other things +since I have been here, from a motive that you will easily guess. (_Mr +Jenkison smiled._) I have great objections to dancing. The wild and +original man is a calm and contemplative animal. The stings of natural +appetite alone rouse him to action. He satisfies his hunger with roots +and fruits, unvitiated by the malignant adhibition of fire, and all +its diabolical processes of elixion and assation; he slakes his thirst +in the mountain-stream, _summisgetai tae epituchousae_, and returns to +his peaceful state of meditative repose. + + _Mr Jenkison._ +Like the metaphysical statue of Condillac. + + _Mr Escot._ +With all its senses and purely natural faculties developed, certainly. +Imagine this tranquil and passionless being, occupied in his first +meditation on the simple question of _Where am I? Whence do I come? +And what is the end of my existence?_ Then suddenly place before him a +chandelier, a fiddler, and a magnificent beau in silk stockings and +pumps, bounding, skipping, swinging, capering, and throwing himself +into ten thousand attitudes, till his face glows with fever, and +distils with perspiration: the first impulse excited in his mind by +such an apparition will be that of violent fear, which, by the +reiterated perception of its harmlessness, will subside into simple +astonishment. Then let any genius, sufficiently powerful to impress on +his mind all the terms of the communication, impart to him, that after +a long process of ages, when his race shall have attained what some +people think proper to denominate a very advanced stage of +perfectibility, the most favoured and distinguished of the community +shall meet by hundreds, to grin, and labour, and gesticulate, like the +phantasma before him, from sunset to sunrise, while all nature is at +rest, and that they shall consider this a happy and pleasurable mode +of existence, and furnishing the most delightful of all possible +contrasts to what they will call his vegetative state: would he not +groan from his inmost soul for the lamentable condition of his +posterity? + + _Mr Jenkison._ +I know not what your wild and original man might think of the matter +in the abstract; but comparatively, I conceive, he would be better +pleased with the vision of such a scene as this, than with that of a +party of Indians (who would have all the advantage of being nearly as +wild as himself), dancing their infernal war-dance round a midnight +fire in a North American forest. + + _Mr Escot._ +Not if you should impart to him the true nature of both, by laying +open to his view the springs of action in both parties. + + _Mr Jenkison._ +To do this with effect, you must make him a profound metaphysician, +and thus transfer him at once from his wild and original state to a +very advanced stage of intellectual progression; whether that +progression be towards good or evil, I leave you and our friend Foster +to settle between you. + + _Mr Escot._ +I wish to make no change in his habits and feelings, but to give him, +hypothetically, so much mental illumination, as will enable him to +take a clear view of two distinct stages of the deterioration of his +posterity, that he may be enabled to compare them with each other, and +with his own more happy condition. The Indian, dancing round the +midnight fire, is very far deteriorated; but the magnificent beau, +dancing to the light of chandeliers, is infinitely more so. The Indian +is a hunter: he makes great use of fire, and subsists almost entirely +on animal food. The malevolent passions that spring from these +pernicious habits involve him in perpetual war. He is, therefore, +necessitated, for his own preservation, to keep all the energies of +his nature in constant activity: to this end his midnight war-dance is +very powerfully subservient, and, though in itself a frightful +spectacle, is at least justifiable on the iron plea of necessity. + + _Mr Jenkison._ +On the same iron plea, the modern system of dancing is more +justifiable. The Indian dances to prepare himself for killing his +enemy: but while the beaux and belles of our assemblies dance, they +are in the very act of killing theirs--TIME!--a more inveterate and +formidable foe than any the Indian has to contend with; for, however +completely and ingeniously killed, he is sure to rise again, "with +twenty mortal murders on his crown," leading his army of blue devils, +with ennui in the van, and vapours in the rear. + + _Mr Escot._ +Your observation militates on my side of the question; and it is a +strong argument in favour of the Indian, that he has no such enemy to +kill. + + _Mr Jenkison._ +There is certainly a great deal to be said against dancing: there is +also a great deal to be said in its favour. The first side of the +question I leave for the present to you: on the latter, I may venture +to allege that no amusement seems more natural and more congenial to +youth than this. It has the advantage of bringing young persons of +both sexes together, in a manner which its publicity renders perfectly +unexceptionable, enabling them to see and know each other better than, +perhaps, any other mode of general association. _Tete-a-tetes_ are +dangerous things. Small family parties are too much under mutual +observation. A ball-room appears to me almost the only scene uniting +that degree of rational and innocent liberty of intercourse, which it +is desirable to promote as much as possible between young persons, +with that scrupulous attention to the delicacy and propriety of female +conduct, which I consider the fundamental basis of all our most +valuable social relations. + + _Mr Escot._ +There would be some plausibility in your argument, if it were not the +very essence of this species of intercourse to exhibit them to each +other under false colours. Here all is show, and varnish, and +hypocrisy, and coquetry; they dress up their moral character for the +evening at the same toilet where they manufacture their shapes and +faces. Ill-temper lies buried under a studied accumulation of smiles. +Envy, hatred, and malice, retreat from the countenance, to entrench +themselves more deeply in the heart. Treachery lurks under the flowers +of courtesy. Ignorance and folly take refuge in that unmeaning gabble +which it would be profanation to call language, and which even those +whom long experience in "the dreary intercourse of daily life" has +screwed up to such a pitch of stoical endurance that they can listen +to it by the hour, have branded with the ignominious appellation of +"_small talk_." Small indeed!--the absolute minimum of the infinitely +little. + + _Mr Jenkison._ +Go on. I have said all I intended to say on the favourable side. I +shall have great pleasure in hearing you balance the argument. + + _Mr Escot._ +I expect you to confess that I shall have more than balanced it. A +ball-room is an epitome of all that is most worthless and unamiable in +the great sphere of human life. Every petty and malignant passion is +called into play. Coquetry is perpetually on the alert to captivate, +caprice to mortify, and vanity to take offence. One amiable female is +rendered miserable for the evening by seeing another, whom she +intended to outshine, in a more attractive dress than her own; while +the other omits no method of giving stings to her triumph, which she +enjoys with all the secret arrogance of an oriental sultana. Another +is compelled to dance with a _monster_ she abhors. A third has set her +heart on dancing with a particular partner, perhaps for the amiable +motive of annoying one of her _dear friends_: not only he does not ask +her, but she sees him dancing with that identical _dear friend_, whom +from that moment she hates more cordially than ever. Perhaps, what is +worse than all, she has set her heart on refusing some impertinent +fop, who does not give her the opportunity.--As to the men, the case +is very nearly the same with them. To be sure, they have the privilege +of making the first advances, and are, therefore, less liable to have +an odious partner forced upon them; though this sometimes happens, as +I know by woeful experience: but it is seldom they can procure the +very partner they prefer; and when they do, the absurd necessity of +changing every two dances forces them away, and leaves them only the +miserable alternative of taking up with something disagreeable perhaps +in itself, and at all events rendered so by contrast, or of retreating +into some solitary corner, to vent their spleen on the first idle +coxcomb they can find. + + _Mr Jenkison._ +I hope that is not the motive which brings you to me. + + _Mr Escot._ +Clearly not. But the most afflicting consideration of all is, that +these malignant and miserable feelings are masked under that uniform +disguise of pretended benevolence, _that fine and delicate irony, +called politeness, which gives so much ease and pliability to the +mutual intercourse of civilised man, and enables him to assume the +appearance of every virtue without the reality of one_.[13.1] + +The second set of dances was now terminated, and Mr Escot flew off to +reclaim the hand of the beautiful Cephalis, with whom he figured away +with surprising alacrity, and probably felt at least as happy among +the chandeliers and silk stockings, at which he had just been railing, +as he would have been in an American forest, making one in an Indian +ring, by the light of a blazing fire, even though his hand had been +locked in that of the most beautiful _squaw_ that ever listened to the +roar of Niagara. + +Squire Headlong was now beset by his maiden aunt, Miss Brindle-mew +Grimalkin Phoebe Tabitha Ap-Headlong, on one side, and Sir Patrick +O'Prism on the other; the former insisting that he should immediately +procure her a partner; the latter earnestly requesting the same +interference in behalf of Miss Philomela Poppyseed. The squire thought +to emancipate himself from his two petitioners by making them dance +with each other; but Sir Patrick vehemently pleading a prior +engagement, the squire threw his eyes around till they alighted on Mr +Jenkison and the Reverend Doctor Gaster; both of whom, after waking +the latter, he pressed into the service. The doctor, arising with a +strange kind of guttural sound, which was half a yawn and half a +groan, was handed by the officious squire to Miss Philomela, who +received him with sullen dignity: she had not yet forgotten his +falling asleep during the first chapter of her novel, while she was +condescending to detail to him the outlines of four superlative +volumes. The doctor, on his part, had most completely forgotten it; +and though he thought there was something in her physiognomy rather +more forbidding than usual, he gave himself no concern about the +cause, and had not the least suspicion that it was at all connected +with himself. Miss Brindle-mew was very well contented with Mr +Jenkison, and gave him two or three ogles, accompanied by a most +risible distortion of the countenance which she intended for a +captivating smile. As to Mr Jenkison, it was all one to him with whom +he danced, or whether he danced or not: he was therefore just as well +pleased as if he had been left alone in his corner; which is probably +more than could have been said of any other human being under similar +circumstances. + +At the end of the third set, supper was announced; and the party, +pairing off like turtles, adjourned to the supper-room. The squire was +now the happiest of mortal men, and the little butler the most +laborious. The centre of the largest table was decorated with a model +of Snowdon, surmounted with an enormous artificial leek, the leaves of +angelica, and the bulb of blancmange. A little way from the summit was +a tarn, or mountain-pool, supplied through concealed tubes with an +inexhaustible flow of milk-punch, which, dashing in cascades down the +miniature rocks, fell into the more capacious lake below, washing the +mimic foundations of Headlong Hall. The reverend doctor handed Miss +Philomela to the chair most conveniently situated for enjoying this +interesting scene, protesting he had never before been sufficiently +impressed with the magnificence of that mountain, which he now +perceived to be well worthy of all the fame it had obtained. + +"Now, when they had eaten and were satisfied," Squire Headlong called +on Mr Chromatic for a song; who, with the assistance of his two +accomplished daughters, regaled the ears of the company with the +following + + TERZETTO[13.2] + + Grey Twilight, from her shadowy hill, + Discolours Nature's vernal bloom, + And sheds on grove, and field, and rill, + One placid tint of deepening gloom. + + The sailor sighs 'mid shoreless seas, + Touched by the thought of friends afar, + As, fanned by ocean's flowing breeze, + He gazes on the western star. + + The wanderer hears, in pensive dream, + The accents of the last farewell, + As, pausing by the mountain stream, + He listens to the evening bell. + +This terzetto was of course much applauded; Mr Milestone observing, +that he thought the figure in the last verse would have been more +picturesque, if it had been represented with its arms folded and its +back against a tree; or leaning on its staff, with a cockle-shell in +its hat, like a pilgrim of ancient times. + +Mr Chromatic professed himself astonished that a gentleman of genuine +modern taste, like Mr Milestone, should consider the words of a song +of any consequence whatever, seeing that they were at the best only a +species of pegs, for the more convenient suspension of crotchets and +quavers. This remark drew on him a very severe reprimand from Mr Mac +Laurel, who said to him, "Dinna ye ken, sir, that soond is a thing +utterly worthless in itsel, and only effectual in agreeable +excitements, as far as it is an aicho to sense? Is there ony soond +mair meeserable an' peetifu' than the scrape o' a feddle, when it does +na touch ony chord i' the human sensorium? Is there ony mair divine +than the deep note o' a bagpipe, when it breathes the auncient +meelodies o' leeberty an' love? It is true, there are peculiar trains +o' feeling an' sentiment, which parteecular combinations o' meelody +are calculated to excite; an' sae far music can produce its effect +without words: but it does na follow, that, when ye put words to it, +it becomes a matter of indefference what they are; for a gude strain +of impassioned poetry will greatly increase the effect, and a tessue +o' nonsensical doggrel will destroy it a' thegither. Noo, as gude +poetry can produce its effect without music, sae will gude music +without poetry; and as gude music will be mair pooerfu' by itsel' than +wi' bad poetry, sae will gude poetry than wi' bad music: but, when ye +put gude music an' gude poetry thegither, ye produce the divinest +compound o' sentimental harmony that can possibly find its way through +the lug to the saul." + +Mr Chromatic admitted that there was much justice in these +observations, but still maintained the subserviency of poetry to +music. Mr Mac Laurel as strenuously maintained the contrary; and a +furious war of words was proceeding to perilous lengths, when the +squire interposed his authority towards the reproduction of peace, +which was forthwith concluded, and all animosities drowned in a +libation of milk-punch, the Reverend Doctor Gaster officiating as high +priest on the occasion. + +Mr Chromatic now requested Miss Caprioletta to favour the company with +an air. The young lady immediately complied, and sung the following +simple + + BALLAD + + "O Mary, my sister, thy sorrow give o'er, + I soon shall return, girl, and leave thee no more: + But with children so fair, and a husband so kind, + I shall feel less regret when I leave thee behind. + + "I have made thee a bench for the door of thy cot, + And more would I give thee, but more I have not: + Sit and think of me there, in the warm summer day, + And give me three kisses, my labour to pay." + + She gave him three kisses, and forth did he fare. + And long did he wander, and no one knew where; + And long from her cottage, through sunshine and rain, + She watched his return, but he came not again. + + Her children grew up, and her husband grew grey; + She sate on the bench through the long summer day: + One evening, when twilight was deep on the shore, + There came an old soldier, and stood by the door. + + In English he spoke, and none knew what he said, + But her oatcake and milk on the table she spread; + Then he sate to his supper, and blithely he sung, + And she knew the dear sounds of her own native tongue: + + "O rich are the feasts in the Englishman's hall, + And the wine sparkles bright in the goblets of Gaul: + But their mingled attractions I well could withstand, + For the milk and the oatcake of Meirion's dear land." + + "And art thou a Welchman, old soldier?" she cried. + "Many years have I wandered," the stranger replied: + "'Twixt Danube and Thames many rivers there be, + But the bright waves of Cynfael are fairest to me. + + "I felled the grey oak, ere I hastened to roam, + And I fashioned a bench for the door of my home; + And well my dear sister my labour repaid, + Who gave me three kisses when first it was made. + + "In the old English soldier thy brother appears: + Here is gold in abundance, the saving of years: + Give me oatcake and milk in return for my store, + And a seat by thy side on the bench at the door." + +Various other songs succeeded, which, as we are not composing a song +book, we shall lay aside for the present. + +An old squire, who had not missed one of these anniversaries, during +more than half a century, now stood up, and filling a half-pint +bumper, pronounced, with a stentorian voice--"To the immortal memory +of Headlong Ap-Rhaiader, and to the health of his noble descendant and +worthy representative!" This example was followed by all the gentlemen +present. The harp struck up a triumphal strain; and, the old squire +already mentioned, vociferating the first stave, they sang, or rather +roared, the following + + CHORUS + + Hail to the Headlong! the Headlong Ap-Headlong! + All hail to the Headlong, the Headlong Ap-Headlong! + The Headlong Ap-Headlong + Ap-Breakneck Ap-Headlong + Ap-Cataract Ap-Pistyll Ap-Rhaiader Ap-Headlong! + + The bright bowl we steep in the name of the Headlong: + Let the youths pledge it deep to the Headlong Ap-Headlong, + And the rosy-lipped lasses + Touch the brim as it passes, + And kiss the red tide for the Headlong Ap-Headlong! + + The loud harp resounds in the hall of the Headlong: + The light step rebounds in the hall of the Headlong: + Where shall music invite us, + Or beauty delight us, + If not in the hall of the Headlong Ap-Headlong? + + Huzza! to the health of the Headlong Ap-Headlong! + Fill the bowl, fill in floods, to the health of the Headlong! + Till the stream ruby-glowing, + On all sides o'erflowing, + Shall fall in cascades to the health of the Headlong! + The Headlong Ap-Headlong + Ap-Breakneck Ap-Headlong + Ap-Cataract Ap-Pistyll Ap-Rhaiader Ap-Headlong! + +Squire Headlong returned thanks with an appropriate libation, and the +company re-adjourned to the ballroom, where they kept it up till +sunrise, when the little butler summoned them to breakfast. + + + + + CHAPTER XIV + The Proposals + + +The chorus which celebrated the antiquity of her lineage, had been +ringing all night in the ears of Miss Brindle-mew Grimalkin Phoebe +Tabitha Ap-Headlong, when, taking the squire aside, while the visitors +were sipping their tea and coffee, "Nephew Harry," said she, "I have +been noting your behaviour, during the several stages of the ball and +supper; and, though I cannot tax you with any want of gallantry, for +you are a very gallant young man, Nephew Harry, very gallant--I wish I +could say as much for every one" (added she, throwing a spiteful look +towards a distant corner, where Mr Jenkison was sitting with great +_nonchalance_, and at the moment dipping a rusk in a cup of +chocolate); "but I lament to perceive that you were at least as +pleased with your lakes of milk-punch, and your bottles of Champagne +and Burgundy, as with any of your delightful partners. Now, though I +can readily excuse this degree of incombustibility in the descendant +of a family so remarkable in all ages for personal beauty as ours, yet +I lament it exceedingly, when I consider that, in conjunction with +your present predilection for the easy life of a bachelor, it may +possibly prove the means of causing our ancient genealogical tree, +which has its roots, if I may so speak, in the foundations of the +world, to terminate suddenly in a point: unless you feel yourself +moved by my exhortations to follow the example of all your ancestors, +by choosing yourself a fitting and suitable helpmate to immortalize +the pedigree of Headlong Ap-Rhaiader." + +"Egad!" said Squire Headlong, "that is very true, I'll marry directly. +A good opportunity to fix on some one, now they are all here; and I'll +pop the question without further ceremony." + +"What think you," said the old lady, "of Miss Nanny Glen-Du, the +lineal descendant of Llewelyn Ap-Yorwerth?" + +"She won't do," said Squire Headlong. + +"What say you, then," said the lady, "to Miss Williams, of +Pontyglasrhydyrallt, the descendant of the ancient family of----?" + +"I don't like her," said Squire Headlong; "and as to her ancient +family, that is a matter of no consequence. I have antiquity enough +for two. They are all moderns, people of yesterday, in comparison with +us. What signify six or seven centuries, which are the most they can +make up?" + +"Why, to be sure," said the aunt, "on that view of the question, +it is no consequence. What think you, then, of Miss Owen, of +Nidd-y-Gygfraen? She will have six thousand a year." + +"I would not have her," said Squire Headlong, "if she had fifty. I'll +think of somebody presently. I should like to be married on the same +day with Caprioletta." + +"Caprioletta!" said Miss Brindle-mew; "without my being consulted." + +"Consulted!" said the squire: "I was commissioned to tell you, but +somehow or other I let it slip. However, she is going to be married to +my friend Mr Foster, the philosopher." + +"Oh!" said the maiden aunt, "that a daughter of our ancient +family should marry a philosopher! It is enough to make the bones of +all the Ap-Rhaiaders turn in their graves!" + +"I happen to be more enlightened," said Squire Headlong, "than +any of my ancestors were. Besides, it is Caprioletta's affair, not +mine. I tell you, the matter is settled, fixed, determined; and so am +I, to be married on the same day. I don't know, now I think of it, +whom I can choose better than one of the daughters of my friend +Chromatic." + +"A Saxon!" said the aunt, turning up her nose, and was commencing a +vehement remonstrance; but the squire, exclaiming "Music has charms!" +flew over to Mr Chromatic, and, with a hearty slap on the shoulder, +asked him "how he should like him for a son-in-law?" Mr Chromatic, +rubbing his shoulder, and highly delighted with the proposal, +answered, "Very much indeed:" but, proceeding to ascertain which of +his daughters had captivated the squire, the squire demurred, and was +unable to satisfy his curiosity. "I hope," said Mr Chromatic, "it may +be Tenorina; for I imagine Graziosa has conceived a _penchant_ for Sir +Patrick O'Prism."--"Tenorina, exactly," said Squire Headlong; and +became so impatient to bring the matter to a conclusion, that Mr +Chromatic undertook to communicate with his daughter immediately. The +young lady proved to be as ready as the squire, and the preliminaries +were arranged in little more than five minutes. + +Mr Chromatic's words, that he imagined his daughter Graziosa had +conceived a _penchant_ for Sir Patrick O'Prism, were not lost on the +squire, who at once determined to have as many companions in the +scrape as possible, and who, as soon as he could tear himself from Mrs +Headlong elect, took three flying bounds across the room to the +baronet, and said, "So, Sir Patrick, I find you and I are going to be +married?" + +"Are we?" said Sir Patrick: "then sure won't I wish you joy, and +myself too? for this is the first I have heard of it." + +"Well," said Squire Headlong, "I have made up my mind to it, and you +must not disappoint me." + +"To be sure I won't, if I can help it," said Sir Patrick; "and I am +very much obliged to you for taking so much trouble off my hands. And +pray, now, who is it that I am to be metamorphosing into Lady +O'Prism?" + +"Miss Graziosa Chromatic," said the squire. + +"Och violet and vermilion!" said Sir Patrick; "though I never thought +of it before, I dare say she will suit me as well as another: but then +you must persuade the ould Orpheus to draw out a few _notes_ of rather +a more magical description than those he is so fond of scraping on his +crazy violin." + +"To be sure he shall," said the squire; and, immediately returning to +Mr Chromatic, concluded the negotiation for Sir Patrick as +expeditiously as he had done for himself. + +The squire next addressed himself to Mr Escot: "Here are three couple +of us going to throw off together, with the Reverend Doctor Gaster for +whipper-in: now, I think you cannot do better than make the fourth +with Miss Cephalis; and then, as my father-in-law that is to be would +say, we shall compose a very harmonious octave." + +"Indeed," said Mr Escot, "nothing would be more agreeable to both of +us than such an arrangement: but the old gentleman, since I first knew +him, has changed, like the rest of the world, very lamentably for the +worse: now, we wish to bring him to reason, if possible, though we +mean to dispense with his consent, if he should prove much longer +refractory." + +"I'll settle him," said Squire Headlong; and immediately posted up to +Mr Cranium, informing him that four marriages were about to take place +by way of a merry winding up of the Christmas festivities. + +"Indeed!" said Mr Cranium; "and who are the parties?" + +"In the first place," said the squire, "my sister and Mr Foster: in +the second, Miss Graziosa Chromatic and Sir Patrick O'Prism: in the +third, Miss Tenorina Chromatic and your humble servant: and in the +fourth to which, by the by, your consent is wanted----" + +"Oho!" said Mr Cranium. + +"Your daughter," said Squire Headlong. + +"And Mr Panscope?" said Mr Cranium. + +"And Mr Escot," said Squire Headlong. "What would you have better? He +has ten thousand virtues." + +"So has Mr Panscope," said Mr Cranium; "he has ten thousand a year." + +"Virtues?" said Squire Headlong. + +"Pounds," said Mr Cranium. + +"I have set my mind on Mr Escot," said the squire. + +"I am much obliged to you," said Mr Cranium, "for dethroning me from +my paternal authority." + +"Who fished you out of the water?" said Squire Headlong. + +"What is that to the purpose?" said Mr Cranium. "The whole +process of the action was mechanical and necessary. The application of +the poker necessitated the ignition of the powder: the ignition +necessitated the explosion: the explosion necessitated my sudden +fright, which necessitated my sudden jump, which, from a necessity +equally powerful, was in a curvilinear ascent: the descent, being in a +corresponding curve, and commencing at a point perpendicular to the +extreme line of the edge of the tower, I was, by the necessity of +gravitation, attracted, first, through the ivy, and secondly through +the hazel, and thirdly through the ash, into the water beneath. The +motive or impulse thus adhibited in the person of a drowning man, was +as powerful on his material compages as the force of gravitation on +mine; and he could no more help jumping into the water than I could +help falling into it." + +"All perfectly true," said Squire Headlong; "and, on the same +principle, you make no distinction between the man who knocks you down +and him who picks you up." + +"I make this distinction," said Mr Cranium, "that I avoid the former +as a machine containing a peculiar _cataballitive_ quality, which I +have found to be not consentaneous to my mode of pleasurable +existence; but I attach no moral merit or demerit to either of them, +as these terms are usually employed, seeing that they are equally +creatures of necessity, and must act as they do from the nature of +their organisation. I no more blame or praise a man for what is called +vice or virtue, than I tax a tuft of hemlock with malevolence, or +discover great philanthropy in a field of potatoes, seeing that the +men and the plants are equally incapacitated, by their original +internal organisation, and the combinations and modifications of +external circumstances, from being any thing but what they are. _Quod +victus fateare necesse est_." + +"Yet you destroy the hemlock," said Squire Headlong, "and cultivate +the potato; that is my way, at least." + +"I do," said Mr Cranium; "because I know that the farinaceous +qualities of the potato will tend to preserve the great requisites of +unity and coalescence in the various constituent portions of my animal +republic; and that the hemlock, if gathered by mistake for parsley, +chopped up small with butter, and eaten with a boiled chicken, would +necessitate a great derangement, and perhaps a total decomposition, of +my corporeal mechanism." + +"Very well," said the squire; "then you are necessitated to like Mr +Escot better than Mr Panscope?" + +"That is a _non sequitur_," said Mr Cranium. + +"Then this is a _sequitur_," said the squire: "your daughter and Mr +Escot are necessitated to love one another; and, unless you feel +necessitated to adhibit your consent, they will feel necessitated to +dispense with it; since it does appear to moral and political +economists to be essentially inherent in the eternal fitness of +things." + +Mr Cranium fell into a profound reverie: emerging from which, he said, +looking Squire Headlong full in the face, "Do you think Mr Escot would +give me that skull?" + +"Skull!" said Squire Headlong. + +"Yes," said Mr Cranium, "the skull of Cadwallader." + +"To be sure he will," said the squire. + +"Ascertain the point," said Mr Cranium. + +"How can you doubt it?" said the squire. + +"I simply know," said Mr Cranium, "that if it were once in my +possession, I would not part with it for any acquisition on earth, +much less for a wife. I have had one: and, as marriage has been +compared to a pill, I can very safely assert that _one is a dose_; and +my reason for thinking that he will not part with it is, that its +extraordinary magnitude tends to support his system, as much as its +very marked protuberances tend to support mine; and you know his own +system is of all things the dearest to every man of liberal thinking +and a philosophical tendency." + +The Squire flew over to Mr Escot. "I told you," said he, "I would +settle him: but there is a very hard condition attached to his +compliance." + +"I submit to it," said Mr Escot, "be it what it may." + +"Nothing less," said Squire Headlong, "than the absolute and +unconditional surrender of the skull of Cadwallader." + +"I resign it," said Mr Escot. + +"The skull is yours," said the squire, skipping over to Mr Cranium. + +"I am perfectly satisfied," said Mr Cranium. + +"The lady is yours," said the squire, skipping back to Mr Escot. + +"I am the happiest man alive," said Mr Escot. + +"Come," said the squire, "then there is an amelioration in the state +of the sensitive man." + +"A slight oscillation of good in the instance of a solitary +individual," answered Mr Escot, "by no means affects the solidity of +my opinions concerning the general deterioration of the civilised +world; which when I can be induced to contemplate with feelings of +satisfaction, I doubt not but that I may be persuaded _to be in love +with tortures, and to think charitably of the rack_[14.1]." + +Saying these words, he flew off as nimbly as Squire Headlong himself, +to impart the happy intelligence to his beautiful Cephalis. + +Mr Cranium now walked up to Mr Panscope, to condole with him on the +disappointment of their mutual hopes. Mr Panscope begged him not to +distress himself on the subject, observing, that the monotonous system +of female education brought every individual of the sex to so +remarkable an approximation of similarity, that no wise man would +suffer himself to be annoyed by a loss so easily repaired; and that +there was much truth, though not much elegance, in a remark which he +had heard made on a similar occasion by a post-captain of his +acquaintance, "that there never was a fish taken out of the sea, but +left another as good behind." + +Mr Cranium replied that no two individuals having all the organs of +the skull similarly developed, the universal resemblance of which Mr +Panscope had spoken could not possibly exist. Mr Panscope rejoined; +and a long discussion ensued, concerning the comparative influence of +natural organisation and artificial education, in which the beautiful +Cephalis was totally lost sight of, and which ended, as most +controversies do, by each party continuing firm in his own opinion, +and professing his profound astonishment at the blindness and +prejudices of the other. + +In the meanwhile, a great confusion had arisen at the outer doors, the +departure of the ball-visitors being impeded by a circumstance which +the experience of ages had discovered no means to obviate. The grooms, +coachmen, and postillions, were all drunk. It was proposed that the +gentlemen should officiate in their places: but the gentlemen were +almost all in the same condition. This was a fearful dilemma: but a +very diligent investigation brought to light a few servants and a few +gentlemen not above _half-seas-over_; and by an equitable distribution +of these rarities, the greater part of the guests were enabled to set +forward, with very nearly an even chance of not having their necks +broken before they reached home. + + + + + CHAPTER XV + The Conclusion + + +The squire and his select party of philosophers and dilettanti were +again left in peaceful possession of Headlong Hall: and, as the former +made a point of never losing a moment in the accomplishment of a +favourite object, he did not suffer many days to elapse, before the +spiritual metamorphosis of eight into four was effected by the +clerical dexterity of the Reverend Doctor Gaster. + +Immediately after the ceremony, the whole party dispersed, the squire +having first extracted from every one of his chosen guests a positive +promise to re-assemble in August, when they would be better enabled, +in its most appropriate season, to form a correct judgment of Cambrian +hospitality. + +Mr Jenkison shook hands at parting with his two brother philosophers. +"According to your respective systems," said he, "I ought to +congratulate _you_ on a change for the better, which I do most +cordially: and to condole with _you_ on a change for the worse, +though, when I consider whom you have chosen, I should violate every +principle of probability in doing so." + +"You will do well," said Mr Foster, "to follow our example. The +extensive circle of general philanthropy, which, in the present +advanced stage of human nature, comprehends in its circumference the +destinies of the whole species, originated, and still proceeds, from +that narrower circle of domestic affection, which first set limits to +the empire of selfishness, and, by purifying the passions and +enlarging the affections of mankind, has given to the views of +benevolence an increasing and illimitable expansion, which will +finally diffuse happiness and peace over the whole surface of the +world." + +"The affection," said Mr Escot, "of two congenial spirits, united not +by legal bondage and superstitious imposture, but by mutual confidence +and reciprocal virtues, is the only counterbalancing consolation in +this scene of mischief and misery. But how rarely is this the case +according to the present system of marriage! So far from being a +central point of expansion to the great circle of universal +benevolence, it serves only to concentrate the feelings of natural +sympathy in the reflected selfishness of family interest, and to +substitute for the _humani nihil alienum puto_ of youthful +philanthropy, the _charity begins at home_ of maturer years. And what +accession of individual happiness is acquired by this oblivion of the +general good? Luxury, despotism, and avarice have so seized and +entangled nine hundred and ninety-nine out of every thousand of the +human race, that the matrimonial compact, which ought to be the most +easy, the most free, and the most simple of all engagements, is become +the most slavish and complicated,--a mere question of finance,--a +system of bargain, and barter, and commerce, and trick, and chicanery, +and dissimulation, and fraud. Is there one instance in ten thousand, +in which the buds of first affection are not most cruelly and +hopelessly blasted, by avarice, or ambition, or arbitrary power? +Females, condemned during the whole flower of their youth to a worse +than monastic celibacy, irrevocably debarred from the hope to which +their first affections pointed, will, at a certain period of life, as +the natural delicacy of taste and feeling is gradually worn away by +the attrition of society, become willing to take up with any coxcomb +or scoundrel, whom that merciless and mercenary gang of cold-blooded +slaves and assassins, called, in the ordinary prostitution of language +_friends_, may agree in designating as a _prudent choice_. Young men, +on the other hand, are driven by the same vile superstitions from the +company of the most amiable and modest of the opposite sex, to that of +those miserable victims and outcasts of a world which dares to call +itself virtuous, whom that very society whose pernicious institutions +first caused their aberrations,--consigning them, without one tear of +pity or one struggle of remorse, to penury, infamy, and +disease,--condemns to bear the burden of its own atrocious +absurdities! Thus, the youth of one sex is consumed in slavery, +disappointment, and spleen; that of the other, in frantic folly and +selfish intemperance: till at length, on the necks of a couple so +enfeebled, so perverted, so distempered both in body and soul, society +throws the yoke of marriage: that yoke which, once rivetted on the +necks of its victims, clings to them like the poisoned garments of +Nessus or Medea. What can be expected from these ill-assorted +yoke-fellows, but that, like two ill-tempered hounds, coupled by a +tyrannical sportsman, they should drag on their indissoluble fetter, +snarling and growling, and pulling in different directions? What can +be expected for their wretched offspring, but sickness and suffering, +premature decrepitude, and untimely death? In this, as in every other +institution of civilised society, avarice, luxury, and disease +constitute the TRIANGULAR HARMONY of the life of man. Avarice conducts +him to the abyss of toil and crime: luxury seizes on his ill-gotten +spoil; and, while he revels in her enchantments, or groans beneath her +tyranny, disease bursts upon him, and sweeps him from the earth." + +"Your theory," said Mr Jenkison, "forms an admirable counterpoise to +your example. As far as I am attracted by the one, I am repelled by +the other. Thus, the scales of my philosophical balance remain +eternally equiponderant, and I see no reason to say of either of them, +OICHETAI EIS AIDAO[15.1]." + + + + + + + NOTES + + + Chapter 1 + +[1.1] Foster, quasi _Phostaer_,--from _phaos_ and _taereo_, lucem +servo, conservo, observo, custodio,--one who watches over and guards +the light; a sense in which the word is often used amongst us, when we +speak of _fostering_ a flame. + +[1.2] Escot, quasi _es skoton_, _in tenebras_, scilicet, intuens; one +who is always looking into the dark side of the question. + +[1.3] Jenkison: This name may be derived from _aien ex ison_, _semper +ex aequalibus_--scilicet, mensuris omnia metiens: one who from equal +measures divides and distributes all things: one who from equal +measures can always produce arguments on both sides of a question, +with so much nicety and exactness, as to keep the said question +eternally pending, and the balance of the controversy perpetually in +statu quo. By an aphaeresis of the _a_, an elision of the second _e_, +and an easy and natural mutation of _x_ into _k_, the derivation of +this name proceeds according to the strictest principles of +etymology: _aien ex ison--Ien ex ison--Ien ek ison--Ien 'k +ison--Ienkison_--Ienkison--Jenkison. + +[1.4] Gaster: scilicet _Gastaer_--Venter, et praeterea nihil. + + + Chapter 2 + +[2.1] See Emmerton on the Auricula. + + + Chapter 3 + +[3.1] Mr Knight, in a note to the Landscape, having taken the liberty +of laughing at a notable device of a celebrated _improver_, for giving +greatness of character to a place, and showing an undivided extent of +property, by placing the family arms on the neighbouring _milestones_, +the improver retorted on him with a charge of misquotation, +misrepresentation, and malice prepense. Mr Knight, in the preface to +the second edition of his poem, quotes the improver's words:--"The +market-house, or other public edifice, or even a _mere stone with +distances_, may bear the arms of the family:" and adds:--"By a _mere +stone with distances_, the author of the Landscape certainly thought +he meant a _milestone_; but, if he did not, any other interpretation +which he may think more advantageous to himself shall readily be +adopted, as it will equally answer the purpose of the quotation." The +improver, however, did not condescend to explain what he really meant +by a _mere stone with distances_, though he strenuously maintained +that he did _not_ mean a _milestone._ His idea, therefore, stands on +record, invested with all the sublimity that obscurity can confer. + +[3.2] "Il est constant qu'elles se baisent de meilleur coeur, et se +caressent avec plus de grace devant les hommes, fieres d'aiguiser +impunement leur convoitise par l'image des faveurs qu'elles savent +leur faire envier."--Rousseau, _Emile_, liv. 5. + + + Chapter 4 + +[4.1] See Price on the Picturesque. + +[4.2] See Knight on Taste, and the Edinburgh Review, No. XIV. + +[4.3] Protracted banquets have been copious sources of evil. + + + Chapter 5 + +[5.1] See Lord Monboddo's Ancient Metaphysics. + +[5.2] Drummond's Academical Questions. + +[5.3] Homer is proved to have been a lover of wine by the praises he +bestows upon it. + +[5.4] A cup of wine at hand, to drink as inclination prompts. + + + Chapter 6 + +[6.1] See Knight on Taste. + +[6.2] This stanza is imitated from Machiavelli's _Capitolo dell' +Occasione_. + + + Chapter 7 + +[7.1] Fragments of a demolished world. + +[7.2] Took's Diversions of Purley. + + + Chapter 8 + +[8.1] Some readers will, perhaps, recollect the Archbishop of Prague, +who also was an excellent sportsman, and who, + + Com' era scritto in certi suoi giornali, + Ucciso avea con le sue proprie mani + Un numero infinito d'animali: + Cinquemila con quindici fagiani, + Seimila lepri, ottantantre cignali, + E per disgrazia, ancor _tredici cani_, &c. + + + Chapter 9 + +[9.1] Me miserable! and thrice miserable! and four times, and five +times, and twelve times, and ten thousand times miserable! + +[9.2] Pronounced cooroo--the Welsh word for _ale._ + + + Chapter 10 + +[10.1] Long since dead. + +[10.2] Georg. I. 199. + +[10.3] Sat. XIII. 28. + +[10.4] Carm. III. 6, 46. + + + Chapter 11 + +[11.1] Pistyll, in Welch, signifies a cataract, and Rhaidr a cascade. + +[11.2] Rabelais. + + + Chapter 13 + +[13.1] Rousseau, Discours sur les Sciences. + +[13.2] Imitated from a passage in the Purgatorio of Dante. + + + Chapter 14 + +[14.1] Jeremy Taylor. + + + Chapter 15 + +[15.1] _It descends to the shades_: or, in other words, _it goes to +the devil_. + + + + + TRANSCRIPTION NOTES + + + Source + +Form: printed book +Title: Headlong Hall +Author: Thomas Love Peacock +Publisher: J. M. Dent & Co. at Aldine House, 69 Great Eastern + St., London. +Date: 1891 +Editor: Richard Garnett, LLD. +Printer: Turnbull and Spears, Printers, Edinburgh. +British Library +Shelfmark: 012611.i.37/1 +Description: tan cloth over board binding, 122mm x 184mm x 21mm, + 176 pages plus 2 at front and 1 at back + + + Modifications + +Chapter head and foot decorations have been deleted -- to simplify +production to purely text. + +Decorative chapter-start drop-caps have been replaced with capitals +-- to simplify production to purely text. + +Page numbers and headers have been deleted -- the new document is +unpaginated. + +Fullstops have been deleted from chapter titles and song titles -- +they are superfluous. + +All notes have been moved to the end of the document -- to suit the +unpaginated format. + +All notes by the editor Richard Garnett have been deleted -- to remove +(insubstantial) attachments to the original text. + +Chapter 1 paragraph 7: inserted closing quotes after "perpetually in +statu quo." -- they appear to be missing, since the speech is not +continued in the next paragraph. + +Chapter 1 paragraph 8: deleted fullstop after "astronomy----" -- the +sentence is truncated, it does not end. + +Chapter 1 paragraph 9: deleted fullstop after "selfishness----" -- the +sentence is truncated, it does not end. + +Chapter 1 paragraph 10: deleted fullstop after "cloth----" -- the +sentence is truncated, it does not end. + +Chapter 1 paragraph 11: inserted a comma after "sprained ankle" -- +there is a small comma-sized gap at the end of the line where a comma +appears to have been omitted. + +Chapter 2 paragraph 1: deleted comma after "oils" in "oils, and +colours" -- "and" clusters things in an item, not separates items, in +this list. + +Chapter 4 paragraph 13: inserted closing quotes after "summit of +Ararat." -- they appear to be missing, since the speech is not +continued in the next paragraph. + +Chapter 5 paragraph 33: replaced emdash before "Exactly, sir: an' ye" +with fullstop and space -- it appears to be an erroneous +inconsistency, there being no other like instances in speech +indication. + +Chapter 7 paragraph 5: deleted closing quotes after "confracti mundi +rudera:" -- the phrase is not quoted, and the speech does not end +there. + +Chapter 7 paragraph 6: replaced "procession" with "precession" in "The +procession of the equinoxes" -- it appears to be a spelling error, +since Mr Foster is informed on the subject and not tending to make +such mistakes. + +Chapter 7 paragraph 17: inserted "_Mr Escot._" at start of paragraph +before "Nor is" -- to follow consistent indication and layout of +speech. + +Chapter 8 paragraph 1: replaced "befel" with "befell" -- it appears to +be a spelling error. + +Chapter 9 paragraph 16: replaced fullstop with questionmark after "the +tevil with" -- the sentence is a question. + +Chapter 9 paragraph 22: replaced fullstop with questionmark after +"away with me" -- the sentence is a question. + +Chapter 9 paragraph 23: replaced "b" with "p" in "by his chost" -- the +sexton in all other cases says "py" instead of "by". + +Chapter 10 paragraph 6: inserted single closing quote after "_Oioi nun +brotoi eisin_" -- it appears to be missing. + +Chapter 11 paragraph 3: replaced "y" in "Vouley" with "z" -- it +appears to be a spelling error. + +Chapter 12 paragraph 1: replaced "wolves" in "individual lion, tiger, +wolves," with "wolf" -- it is a list of singulars. + +Chapter 12 paragraph 9: inserted paragraph start and opening quotes +before "You observe, in both these skulls" -- blockquotes cannot be +inside paragraphs in the layout scheme. + +Chapter 12 paragraph 13: inserted closing quotes after "becoming a +judge." -- they appear to be missing, since the speech is not +continued in the next paragraph. + +Chapter 13 paragraph 17: replaced "woful" with "woeful" in "by woful +experience" -- it appears to be a spelling error. + +Chapter 13 ballad: replaced "feats" with "feasts" in "O rich are the +feats" -- it appears to be a spelling error. + +Chapter 14 paragraph 3: replaced fullstop with questionmark after +"Llewelyn Ap-Yorwerth" -- the sentence is a question. + +Chapter 14 paragraph 5: inserted comma after "said the lady" -- one +would be expected here. + +Chapter 14 paragraph 27: capitalised "Squire" in ""Your daughter," +said squire Headlong." -- all other instances of "Squire Headlong" are +capitalised. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Headlong Hall, by Thomas Love Peacock + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12803 *** |