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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12803 ***
+
+    HEADLONG HALL
+
+        by
+
+    Thomas Love Peacock
+
+
+
+
+    Contents
+
+          Preface
+
+       I. The Mail
+      II. The Squire--The Breakfast
+     III. The Arrivals
+      IV. The Grounds
+       V. The Dinner
+      VI. The Evening
+     VII. The Walk
+    VIII. The Tower
+      IX. The Sexton
+       X. The Skull
+      XI. The Anniversary
+     XII. The Lecture
+    XIII. The Ball
+     XIV. The Proposals
+      XV. The Conclusion
+
+
+
+
+    All philosophers, who find
+    Some favourite system to their mind,
+    In every point to make it fit,
+    Will force all nature to submit.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+    P R E F A C E
+
+        to
+
+    "Headlong Hall" and the three novels
+    published along with it in 1837.
+
+    --------
+
+
+All these little publications appeared originally without prefaces. I
+left them to speak for themselves; and I thought I might very fitly
+preserve my own impersonality, having never intruded on the
+personality of others, nor taken any liberties but with public conduct
+and public opinions. But an old friend assures me, that to publish a
+book without a preface is like entering a drawing-room without making
+a bow. In deference to this opinion, though I am not quite clear of
+its soundness, I make my prefatory bow at this eleventh hour.
+
+"Headlong Hall" was written in 1815; "Nightmare Abbey" in 1817; "Maid
+Marian", with the exception of the last three chapters, in 1818;
+"Crotchet Castle" in 1830. I am desirous to note the intervals,
+because, at each of those periods, things were true, in great matters
+and in small, which are true no longer. "Headlong Hall" begins with
+the Holyhead Mail, and "Crotchet Castle" ends with a rotten borough.
+The Holyhead mail no longer keeps the same hours, nor stops at the
+Capel Cerig Inn, which the progress of improvement has thrown out of
+the road; and the rotten boroughs of 1830 have ceased to exist, though
+there are some very pretty pocket properties, which are their worthy
+successors. But the classes of tastes, feelings, and opinions, which
+were successively brought into play in these little tales, remain
+substantially the same. Perfectibilians, deteriorationists,
+statu-quo-ites, phrenologists, transcendentalists, political
+economists, theorists in all sciences, projectors in all arts, morbid
+visionaries, romantic enthusiasts, lovers of music, lovers of the
+picturesque, and lovers of good dinners, march, and will march for
+ever, _pari passu_ with the march of mechanics, which some facetiously
+call the march of the intellect. The fastidious in old wine are a race
+that does not decay. Literary violators of the confidences of private
+life still gain a disreputable livelihood and an unenviable notoriety.
+Match-makers from interest, and the disappointed in love and in
+friendship, are varieties of which specimens are extant. The great
+principle of the Right of Might is as flourishing now as in the days
+of Maid Marian: the array of false pretensions, moral, political, and
+literary, is as imposing as ever: the rulers of the world still feel
+things in their effects, and never foresee them in their causes: and
+political mountebanks continue, and will continue, to puff nostrums
+and practise legerdemain under the eyes of the multitude: following,
+like the "learned friend" of Crotchet Castle, a course as tortuous as
+that of a river, but in a reverse process; beginning by being dark and
+deep, and ending by being transparent.
+
+
+The Author of "Headlong Hall".
+
+_March_ 4, 1837.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+    H E A D L O N G   H A L L
+
+        ---*---
+
+    CHAPTER I
+    The Mail
+
+
+The ambiguous light of a December morning, peeping through the windows
+of the Holyhead mail, dispelled the soft visions of the four insides,
+who had slept, or seemed to sleep, through the first seventy miles of
+the road, with as much comfort as may be supposed consistent with the
+jolting of the vehicle, and an occasional admonition to _remember the
+coachman_, thundered through the open door, accompanied by the gentle
+breath of Boreas, into the ears of the drowsy traveller.
+
+A lively remark, that _the day was none of the finest_, having
+elicited a repartee of _quite the contrary_, the various knotty points
+of meteorology, which usually form the exordium of an English
+conversation, were successively discussed and exhausted; and, the ice
+being thus broken, the colloquy rambled to other topics, in the course
+of which it appeared, to the surprise of every one, that all four,
+though perfect strangers to each other, were actually bound to the
+same point, namely, Headlong Hall, the seat of the ancient and
+honourable family of the Headlongs, of the vale of Llanberris, in
+Caernarvonshire. This name may appear at first sight not to be truly
+Cambrian, like those of the Rices, and Prices, and Morgans, and Owens,
+and Williamses, and Evanses, and Parrys, and Joneses; but,
+nevertheless, the Headlongs claim to be not less genuine derivatives
+from the antique branch of Cadwallader than any of the last named
+multiramified families. They claim, indeed, by one account, superior
+antiquity to all of them, and even to Cadwallader himself, a tradition
+having been handed down in Headlong Hall for some few thousand years,
+that the founder of the family was preserved in the deluge on the
+summit of Snowdon, and took the name of Rhaiader, which signifies a
+_waterfall_, in consequence of his having accompanied the water in its
+descent or diminution, till he found himself comfortably seated on the
+rocks of Llanberris. But, in later days, when commercial bagmen began
+to scour the country, the ambiguity of the sound induced his
+descendants to drop the suspicious denomination of _Riders_, and
+translate the word into English; when, not being well pleased with the
+sound of the _thing_, they substituted that of the _quality_, and
+accordingly adopted the name _Headlong_, the appropriate epithet of
+waterfall.
+
+    I cannot tell how the truth may be:
+    I say the tale as 'twas said to me.
+
+The present representative of this ancient and dignified house, Harry
+Headlong, Esquire, was, like all other Welsh squires, fond of
+shooting, hunting, racing, drinking, and other such innocent
+amusements, _meizonos d' allou tinos_, as Menander expresses it. But,
+unlike other Welsh squires, he had actually suffered certain
+phenomena, called books, to find their way into his house; and, by
+dint of lounging over them after dinner, on those occasions when he
+was compelled to take his bottle alone, he became seized with a
+violent passion to be thought a philosopher and a man of taste; and
+accordingly set off on an expedition to Oxford, to inquire for other
+varieties of the same genera, namely, men of taste and philosophers;
+but, being assured by a learned professor that there were no such
+things in the University, he proceeded to London, where, after beating
+up in several booksellers' shops, theatres, exhibition-rooms, and
+other resorts of literature and taste, he formed as extensive an
+acquaintance with philosophers and dilettanti as his utmost ambition
+could desire: and it now became his chief wish to have them all
+together in Headlong Hall, arguing, over his old Port and Burgundy,
+the various knotty points which had puzzled his pericranium. He had,
+therefore, sent them invitations in due form to pass their Christmas
+at Headlong Hall; which invitations the extensive fame of his kitchen
+fire had induced the greater part of them to accept; and four of the
+chosen guests had, from different parts of the metropolis, ensconced
+themselves in the four corners of the Holyhead mail.
+
+These four persons were, Mr Foster[1.1], the perfectibilian; Mr
+Escot[1.2], the deteriorationist; Mr Jenkison[1.3], the statu-quo-ite;
+and the Reverend Doctor Gaster[1.4], who, though of course neither a
+philosopher nor a man of taste, had so won on the Squire's fancy, by a
+learned dissertation on the art of stuffing a turkey, that he
+concluded no Christmas party would be complete without him.
+
+The conversation among these illuminati soon became animated; and Mr
+Foster, who, we must observe, was a thin gentleman, about thirty years
+of age, with an aquiline nose, black eyes, white teeth, and black
+hair--took occasion to panegyrize the vehicle in which they were then
+travelling, and observed what remarkable improvements had been made in
+the means of facilitating intercourse between distant parts of the
+kingdom: he held forth with great energy on the subject of roads and
+railways, canals and tunnels, manufactures and machinery: "In short,"
+said he, "every thing we look on attests the progress of mankind in
+all the arts of life, and demonstrates their gradual advancement
+towards a state of unlimited perfection."
+
+Mr Escot, who was somewhat younger than Mr Foster, but rather more
+pale and saturnine in his aspect, here took up the thread of the
+discourse, observing, that the proposition just advanced seemed to him
+perfectly contrary to the true state of the case: "for," said he,
+"these improvements, as you call them, appear to me only so many links
+in the great chain of corruption, which will soon fetter the whole
+human race in irreparable slavery and incurable wretchedness: your
+improvements proceed in a simple ratio, while the factitious wants and
+unnatural appetites they engender proceed in a compound one; and thus
+one generation acquires fifty wants, and fifty means of supplying them
+are invented, which each in its turn engenders two new ones; so that
+the next generation has a hundred, the next two hundred, the next four
+hundred, till every human being becomes such a helpless compound of
+perverted inclinations, that he is altogether at the mercy of external
+circumstances, loses all independence and singleness of character, and
+degenerates so rapidly from the primitive dignity of his sylvan
+origin, that it is scarcely possible to indulge in any other
+expectation, than that the whole species must at length be
+exterminated by its own infinite imbecility and vileness."
+
+"Your opinions," said Mr Jenkison, a round-faced little gentleman of
+about forty-five, "seem to differ _toto coelo_. I have often debated
+the matter in my own mind, _pro_ and _con_, and have at length arrived
+at this conclusion,--that there is not in the human race a tendency
+either to moral perfectibility or deterioration; but that the
+quantities of each are so exactly balanced by their reciprocal
+results, that the species, with respect to the sum of good and evil,
+knowledge and ignorance, happiness and misery, remains exactly and
+perpetually _in statu quo_."
+
+"Surely," said Mr Foster, "you cannot maintain such a proposition in
+the face of evidence so luminous. Look at the progress of all the arts
+and sciences,--see chemistry, botany, astronomy----"
+
+"Surely," said Mr Escot, "experience deposes against you. Look at the
+rapid growth of corruption, luxury, selfishness----"
+
+"Really, gentlemen," said the Reverend Doctor Gaster, after clearing
+the husk in his throat with two or three hems, "this is a very
+sceptical, and, I must say, atheistical conversation, and I should
+have thought, out of respect to my cloth----"
+
+Here the coach stopped, and the coachman, opening the door,
+vociferated--"Breakfast, gentlemen;" a sound which so gladdened the
+ears of the divine, that the alacrity with which he sprang from the
+vehicle superinduced a distortion of his ankle, and he was obliged to
+limp into the inn between Mr Escot and Mr Jenkison; the former
+observing, that he ought to look for nothing but evil, and, therefore,
+should not be surprised at this little accident; the latter remarking,
+that the comfort of a good breakfast, and the pain of a sprained
+ankle, pretty exactly balanced each other.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II
+    The Squire--The Breakfast
+
+
+Squire Headlong, in the meanwhile, was quadripartite in his locality;
+that is to say, he was superintending the operations in four scenes of
+action--namely, the cellar, the library, the picture-gallery, and the
+dining-room,--preparing for the reception of his philosophical and
+dilettanti visitors. His myrmidon on this occasion was a little
+red-nosed butler, whom nature seemed to have cast in the genuine mould
+of an antique Silenus, and who waddled about the house after his
+master, wiping his forehead and panting for breath, while the latter
+bounced from room to room like a cracker, and was indefatigable in his
+requisitions for the proximity of his vinous Achates, whose advice and
+co-operation he deemed no less necessary in the library than in the
+cellar. Multitudes of packages had arrived, by land and water, from
+London, and Liverpool, and Chester, and Manchester, and Birmingham,
+and various parts of the mountains: books, wine, cheese, globes,
+mathematical instruments, turkeys, telescopes, hams, tongues,
+microscopes, quadrants, sextants, fiddles, flutes, tea, sugar,
+electrical machines, figs, spices, air-pumps, soda-water, chemical
+apparatus, eggs, French-horns, drawing books, palettes, oils and
+colours, bottled ale and porter, scenery for a private theatre,
+pickles and fish-sauce, patent lamps and chandeliers, barrels of
+oysters, sofas, chairs, tables, carpets, beds, looking-glasses,
+pictures, fruits and confections, nuts, oranges, lemons, packages of
+salt salmon, and jars of Portugal grapes. These, arriving with
+infinite rapidity, and in inexhaustible succession, had been deposited
+at random, as the convenience of the moment dictated,--sofas in the
+cellar, chandeliers in the kitchen, hampers of ale in the
+drawing-room, and fiddles and fish-sauce in the library. The servants,
+unpacking all these in furious haste, and flying with them from place
+to place, according to the tumultuous directions of Squire Headlong
+and the little fat butler who fumed at his heels, chafed, and crossed,
+and clashed, and tumbled over one another up stairs and down. All was
+bustle, uproar, and confusion; yet nothing seemed to advance: while
+the rage and impetuosity of the Squire continued fermenting to the
+highest degree of exasperation, which he signified, from time to time,
+by converting some newly unpacked article, such as a book, a bottle, a
+ham, or a fiddle, into a missile against the head of some unfortunate
+servant who did not seem to move in a ratio of velocity corresponding
+to the intensity of his master's desires.
+
+In this state of eager preparation we shall leave the happy
+inhabitants of Headlong Hall, and return to the three philosophers and
+the unfortunate divine, whom we left limping with a sprained ankle,
+into the breakfast-room of the inn; where his two supporters deposited
+him safely in a large arm-chair, with his wounded leg comfortably
+stretched out on another. The morning being extremely cold, he
+contrived to be seated as near the fire as was consistent with his
+other object of having a perfect command of the table and its
+apparatus; which consisted not only of the ordinary comforts of tea
+and toast, but of a delicious supply of new-laid eggs, and a
+magnificent round of beef; against which Mr Escot immediately pointed
+all the artillery of his eloquence, declaring the use of animal food,
+conjointly with that of fire, to be one of the principal causes of the
+present degeneracy of mankind. "The natural and original man," said
+he, "lived in the woods: the roots and fruits of the earth supplied
+his simple nutriment: he had few desires, and no diseases. But, when
+he began to sacrifice victims on the altar of superstition, to pursue
+the goat and the deer, and, by the pernicious invention of fire, to
+pervert their flesh into food, luxury, disease, and premature death,
+were let loose upon the world. Such is clearly the correct
+interpretation of the fable of Prometheus, which is the symbolical
+portraiture of that disastrous epoch, when man first applied fire to
+culinary purposes, and thereby surrendered his liver to the vulture of
+disease. From that period the stature of mankind has been in a state
+of gradual diminution, and I have not the least doubt that it will
+continue to grow _small by degrees, and lamentably less_, till the
+whole race will vanish imperceptibly from the face of the earth."
+
+"I cannot agree," said Mr Foster, "in the consequences being so very
+disastrous. I admit, that in some respects the use of animal food
+retards, though it cannot materially inhibit, the perfectibility of
+the species. But the use of fire was indispensably necessary, as
+AEschylus and Virgil expressly assert, to give being to the various
+arts of life, which, in their rapid and interminable progress, will
+finally conduct every individual of the race to the philosophic
+pinnacle of pure and perfect felicity."
+
+"In the controversy concerning animal and vegetable food," said Mr
+Jenkison, "there is much to be said on both sides; and, the question
+being in equipoise, I content myself with a mixed diet, and make a
+point of eating whatever is placed before me, provided it be good in
+its kind."
+
+In this opinion his two brother philosophers practically coincided,
+though they both ran down the theory as highly detrimental to the best
+interests of man.
+
+"I am really astonished," said the Reverend Doctor Gaster, gracefully
+picking off the supernal fragments of an egg he had just cracked, and
+clearing away a space at the top for the reception of a small piece of
+butter--"I am really astonished, gentlemen, at the very heterodox
+opinions I have heard you deliver: since nothing can be more obvious
+than that all animals were created solely and exclusively for the use
+of man."
+
+"Even the tiger that devours him?" said Mr Escot.
+
+"Certainly," said Doctor Gaster.
+
+"How do you prove it?" said Mr Escot.
+
+"It requires no proof," said Doctor Gaster: "it is a point of
+doctrine. It is written, therefore it is so."
+
+"Nothing can be more logical," said Mr Jenkison. "It has been said,"
+continued he, "that the ox was expressly made to be eaten by man: it
+may be said, by a parity of reasoning, that man was expressly made to
+be eaten by the tiger: but as wild oxen exist where there are no men,
+and men where there are no tigers, it would seem that in these
+instances they do not properly answer the ends of their creation."
+
+"It is a mystery," said Doctor Gaster.
+
+"Not to launch into the question of final causes," said Mr Escot,
+helping himself at the same time to a slice of beef, "concerning which
+I will candidly acknowledge I am as profoundly ignorant as the most
+dogmatical theologian possibly can be, I just wish to observe, that
+the pure and peaceful manners which Homer ascribes to the Lotophagi,
+and which at this day characterise many nations (the Hindoos, for
+example, who subsist exclusively on the fruits of the earth), depose
+very strongly in favour of a vegetable regimen."
+
+"It may be said, on the contrary," said Mr Foster, "that animal food
+acts on the mind as manure does on flowers, forcing them into a degree
+of expansion they would not otherwise have attained. If we can imagine
+a philosophical auricula falling into a train of theoretical
+meditation on its original and natural nutriment, till it should work
+itself up into a profound abomination of bullock's blood,
+sugar-baker's scum, and other _unnatural_ ingredients of that rich
+composition of soil which had brought it to perfection[2.1], and
+insist on being planted in common earth, it would have all the
+advantage of natural theory on its side that the most strenuous
+advocate of the vegetable system could desire; but it would soon
+discover the practical error of its retrograde experiment by its
+lamentable inferiority in strength and beauty to all the auriculas
+around it. I am afraid, in some instances at least, this analogy holds
+true with respect to mind. No one will make a comparison, in point of
+mental power, between the Hindoos and the ancient Greeks."
+
+"The anatomy of the human stomach," said Mr Escot, "and the formation
+of the teeth, clearly place man in the class of frugivorous animals."
+
+"Many anatomists," said Mr Foster, "are of a different opinion, and
+agree in discerning the characteristics of the carnivorous classes."
+
+"I am no anatomist," said Mr Jenkison, "and cannot decide where
+doctors disagree; in the meantime, I conclude that man is omnivorous,
+and on that conclusion I act."
+
+"Your conclusion is truly orthodox," said the Reverend Doctor Gaster:
+"indeed, the loaves and fishes are typical of a mixed diet; and the
+practice of the Church in all ages shows----"
+
+"That it never loses sight of the loaves and fishes," said Mr Escot.
+
+"It never loses sight of any point of sound doctrine," said the
+reverend doctor.
+
+The coachman now informed them their time was elapsed; nor could all
+the pathetic remonstrances of the reverend divine, who declared he had
+not half breakfasted, succeed in gaining one minute from the
+inexorable Jehu.
+
+"You will allow," said Mr Foster, as soon as they were again in
+motion, "that the wild man of the woods could not transport himself
+over two hundred miles of forest, with as much facility as one of
+these vehicles transports you and me through the heart of this
+cultivated country."
+
+"I am certain," said Mr Escot, "that a wild man can travel an immense
+distance without fatigue; but what is the advantage of locomotion? The
+wild man is happy in one spot, and there he remains: the civilised man
+is wretched in every place he happens to be in, and then congratulates
+himself on being accommodated with a machine, that will whirl him to
+another, where he will be just as miserable as ever."
+
+We shall now leave the mail-coach to find its way to Capel Cerig, the
+nearest point of the Holyhead road to the dwelling of Squire Headlong.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III
+    The Arrivals
+
+
+In the midst of that scene of confusion thrice confounded, in which we
+left the inhabitants of Headlong Hall, arrived the lovely Caprioletta
+Headlong, the Squire's sister (whom he had sent for, from the
+residence of her maiden aunt at Caernarvon, to do the honours of his
+house), beaming like light on chaos, to arrange disorder and harmonise
+discord. The tempestuous spirit of her brother became instantaneously
+as smooth as the surface of the lake of Llanberris; and the little fat
+butler "plessed Cot, and St Tafit, and the peautiful tamsel," for
+being permitted to move about the house in his natural pace. In less
+than twenty-four hours after her arrival, everything was disposed in
+its proper station, and the Squire began to be all impatience for the
+appearance of his promised guests.
+
+The first visitor with whom he had the felicity of shaking hands was
+Marmaduke Milestone, Esquire, who arrived with a portfolio under his
+arm. Mr Milestone[3.1] was a picturesque landscape gardener of the
+first celebrity, who was not without hopes of persuading Squire
+Headlong to put his romantic pleasure-grounds under a process of
+improvement, promising himself a signal triumph for his incomparable
+art in the difficult and, therefore, glorious achievement of polishing
+and trimming the rocks of Llanberris.
+
+Next arrived a post-chaise from the inn at Capel Cerig, containing the
+Reverend Doctor Gaster. It appeared, that, when the mail-coach
+deposited its valuable cargo, early on the second morning, at the inn
+at Capel Cerig, there was only one post-chaise to be had; it was
+therefore determined that the reverend Doctor and the luggage should
+proceed in the chaise, and that the three philosophers should walk.
+When the reverend gentleman first seated himself in the chaise, the
+windows were down all round; but he allowed it to drive off under the
+idea that he could easily pull them up. This task, however, he had
+considerable difficulty in accomplishing, and when he had succeeded,
+it availed him little; for the frames and glasses had long since
+discontinued their ancient familiarity. He had, however, no
+alternative but to proceed, and to comfort himself, as he went, with
+some choice quotations from the book of Job. The road led along the
+edges of tremendous chasms, with torrents dashing in the bottom; so
+that, if his teeth had not chattered with cold, they would have done
+so with fear. The Squire shook him heartily by the hand, and
+congratulated him on his safe arrival at Headlong Hall. The Doctor
+returned the squeeze, and assured him that the congratulation was by
+no means misapplied.
+
+Next came the three philosophers, highly delighted with their walk,
+and full of rapturous exclamations on the sublime beauties of the
+scenery.
+
+The Doctor shrugged up his shoulders, and confessed he preferred the
+scenery of Putney and Kew, where a man could go comfortably to sleep
+in his chaise, without being in momentary terror of being hurled
+headlong down a precipice.
+
+Mr Milestone observed, that there were great capabilities in the
+scenery, but it wanted shaving and polishing. If he could but have it
+under his care for a single twelvemonth, he assured them no one would
+be able to know it again.
+
+Mr Jenkison thought the scenery was just what it ought to be, and
+required no alteration.
+
+Mr Foster thought it could be improved, but doubted if that effect
+would be produced by the system of Mr Milestone.
+
+Mr Escot did not think that any human being could improve it, but had
+no doubt of its having changed very considerably for the worse, since
+the days when the now barren rocks were covered with the immense
+forest of Snowdon, which must have contained a very fine race of wild
+men, not less than ten feet high.
+
+The next arrival was that of Mr Cranium, and his lovely daughter Miss
+Cephalis Cranium, who flew to the arms of her dear friend Caprioletta,
+with all that warmth of friendship which young ladies usually assume
+towards each other in the presence of young gentlemen.[3.2]
+
+Miss Cephalis blushed like a carnation at the sight of Mr Escot, and
+Mr Escot glowed like a corn-poppy at the sight of Miss Cephalis. It
+was at least obvious to all observers, that he could imagine the
+possibility of one change for the better, even in this terrestrial
+theatre of universal deterioration.
+
+Mr Cranium's eyes wandered from Mr Escot to his daughter, and from his
+daughter to Mr Escot; and his complexion, in the course of the
+scrutiny, underwent several variations, from the dark red of the peony
+to the deep blue of the convolvulus.
+
+Mr Escot had formerly been the received lover of Miss Cephalis, till
+he incurred the indignation of her father by laughing at a very
+profound craniological dissertation which the old gentleman delivered;
+nor had Mr Escot yet discovered the means of mollifying his wrath.
+
+Mr Cranium carried in his own hands a bag, the contents of which were
+too precious to be intrusted to any one but himself; and earnestly
+entreated to be shown to the chamber appropriated for his reception,
+that he might deposit his treasure in safety. The little butler was
+accordingly summoned to conduct him to his _cubiculum_.
+
+Next arrived a post-chaise, carrying four insides, whose extreme
+thinness enabled them to travel thus economically without experiencing
+the slightest inconvenience. These four personages were, two very
+profound critics, Mr Gall and Mr Treacle, who followed the trade of
+reviewers, but occasionally indulged themselves in the composition of
+bad poetry; and two very multitudinous versifiers, Mr Nightshade and
+Mr Mac Laurel, who followed the trade of poetry, but occasionally
+indulged themselves in the composition of bad criticism. Mr Nightshade
+and Mr Mac Laurel were the two senior lieutenants of a very formidable
+corps of critics, of whom Timothy Treacle, Esquire, was captain, and
+Geoffrey Gall, Esquire, generalissimo.
+
+The last arrivals were Mr Cornelius Chromatic, the most profound and
+scientific of all amateurs of the fiddle, with his two blooming
+daughters, Miss Tenorina and Miss Graziosa; Sir Patrick O'Prism, a
+dilettante painter of high renown, and his maiden aunt, Miss Philomela
+Poppyseed, an indefatigable compounder of novels, written for the
+express purpose of supporting every species of superstition and
+prejudice; and Mr Panscope, the chemical, botanical, geological,
+astronomical, mathematical, metaphysical, meteorological, anatomical,
+physiological, galvanistical, musical, pictorial, bibliographical,
+critical philosopher, who had run through the whole circle of the
+sciences, and understood them all equally well.
+
+Mr Milestone was impatient to take a walk round the grounds, that he
+might examine how far the system of clumping and levelling could be
+carried advantageously into effect. The ladies retired to enjoy each
+other's society in the first happy moments of meeting: the Reverend
+Doctor Gaster sat by the library fire, in profound meditation over a
+volume of the "_Almanach des Gourmands_:" Mr Panscope sat in the
+opposite corner with a volume of Rees' Cyclopaedia: Mr Cranium was
+busy upstairs: Mr Chromatic retreated to the music-room, where he
+fiddled through a book of solos before the ringing of the first dinner
+bell. The remainder of the party supported Mr Milestone's proposition;
+and, accordingly, Squire Headlong and Mr Milestone leading the van,
+they commenced their perambulation.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV
+    The Grounds
+
+
+"I perceive," said Mr Milestone, after they had walked a few paces,
+"these grounds have never been touched by the finger of taste."
+
+"The place is quite a wilderness," said Squire Headlong: "for, during
+the latter part of my father's life, while I was _finishing_ my
+_education_, he troubled himself about nothing but the cellar, and
+suffered everything else to go to rack and ruin. A mere wilderness, as
+you see, even now in December; but in summer a complete nursery of
+briers, a forest of thistles, a plantation of nettles, without any
+live stock but goats, that have eaten up all the bark of the trees.
+Here you see is the pedestal of a statue, with only half a leg and
+four toes remaining: there were many here once. When I was a boy, I
+used to sit every day on the shoulders of Hercules: what became of
+_him_ I have never been able to ascertain. Neptune has been lying
+these seven years in the dust-hole; Atlas had his head knocked off to
+fit him for propping a shed; and only the day before yesterday we
+fished Bacchus out of the horse-pond."
+
+"My dear sir," said Mr Milestone, "accord me your permission to wave
+the wand of enchantment over your grounds. The rocks shall be blown
+up, the trees shall be cut down, the wilderness and all its goats
+shall vanish like mist. Pagodas and Chinese bridges, gravel walks and
+shrubberies, bowling-greens, canals, and clumps of larch, shall rise
+upon its ruins. One age, sir, has brought to light the treasures of
+ancient learning; a second has penetrated into the depths of
+metaphysics; a third has brought to perfection the science of
+astronomy; but it was reserved for the exclusive genius of the present
+times, to invent the noble art of picturesque gardening, which has
+given, as it were, a new tint to the complexion of nature, and a new
+outline to the physiognomy of the universe!"
+
+"Give me leave," said Sir Patrick O'Prism, "to take an exception to
+that same. Your system of levelling, and trimming, and clipping, and
+docking, and clumping, and polishing, and cropping, and shaving,
+destroys all the beautiful intricacies of natural luxuriance, and all
+the graduated harmonies of light and shade, melting into one another,
+as you see them on that rock over yonder. I never saw one of your
+improved places, as you call them, and which are nothing but big
+bowling-greens, like sheets of green paper, with a parcel of round
+clumps scattered over them, like so many spots of ink, flicked at
+random out of a pen,[4.1] and a solitary animal here and there looking
+as if it were lost, that I did not think it was for all the world like
+Hounslow Heath, thinly sprinkled over with bushes and highwaymen."
+
+"Sir," said Mr Milestone, "you will have the goodness to make a
+distinction between the picturesque and the beautiful."
+
+"Will I?" said Sir Patrick, "och! but I won't. For what is beautiful?
+That what pleases the eye. And what pleases the eye? Tints variously
+broken and blended. Now, tints variously broken and blended constitute
+the picturesque."
+
+"Allow me," said Mr Gall. "I distinguish the picturesque and the
+beautiful, and I add to them, in the laying out of grounds, a third
+and distinct character, which I call _unexpectedness_."
+
+"Pray, sir," said Mr Milestone, "by what name do you distinguish this
+character, when a person walks round the grounds for the second
+time?"[4.2]
+
+Mr Gall bit his lips, and inwardly vowed to revenge himself on
+Milestone, by cutting up his next publication.
+
+A long controversy now ensued concerning the picturesque and the
+beautiful, highly edifying to Squire Headlong.
+
+The three philosophers stopped, as they wound round a projecting point
+of rock, to contemplate a little boat which was gliding over the
+tranquil surface of the lake below.
+
+"The blessings of civilisation," said Mr Foster, "extend themselves to
+the meanest individuals of the community. That boatman, singing as he
+sails along, is, I have no doubt, a very happy, and, comparatively to
+the men of his class some centuries back, a very enlightened and
+intelligent man."
+
+"As a partisan of the system of the moral perfectibility of the human
+race," said Mr Escot,--who was always for considering things on a
+large scale, and whose thoughts immediately wandered from the lake to
+the ocean, from the little boat to a ship of the line,--"you will
+probably be able to point out to me the degree of improvement that you
+suppose to have taken place in the character of a sailor, from the
+days when Jason sailed through the Cyanean Symplegades, or Noah moored
+his ark on the summit of Ararat."
+
+"If you talk to me," said Mr Foster, "of mythological personages, of
+course I cannot meet you on fair grounds."
+
+"We will begin, if you please, then," said Mr Escot, "no further back
+than the battle of Salamis; and I will ask you if you think the
+mariners of England are, in any one respect, morally or
+intellectually, superior to those who then preserved the liberties of
+Greece, under the direction of Themistocles?"
+
+"I will venture to assert," said Mr Foster, "that considered merely as
+sailors, which is the only fair mode of judging them, they are as far
+superior to the Athenians, as the structure of our ships is superior
+to that of theirs. Would not one English seventy-four, think you, have
+been sufficient to have sunk, burned, and put to flight, all the
+Persian and Grecian vessels in that memorable bay? Contemplate the
+progress of naval architecture, and the slow, but immense succession
+of concatenated intelligence, by which it has gradually attained its
+present stage of perfectibility. In this, as in all other branches of
+art and science, every generation possesses all the knowledge of the
+preceding, and adds to it its own discoveries in a progression to
+which there seems no limit. The skill requisite to direct these
+immense machines is proportionate to their magnitude and complicated
+mechanism; and, therefore, the English sailor, considered merely as a
+sailor, is vastly superior to the ancient Greek."
+
+"You make a distinction, of course," said Mr Escot, "between
+scientific and moral perfectibility?"
+
+"I conceive," said Mr Foster, "that men are virtuous in proportion as
+they are enlightened; and that, as every generation increases in
+knowledge, it also increases in virtue."
+
+"I wish it were so," said Mr Escot; "but to me the very reverse
+appears to be the fact. The progress of knowledge is not general: it
+is confined to a chosen few of every age. How far these are better
+than their neighbours, we may examine by and bye. The mass of mankind
+is composed of beasts of burden, mere clods, and tools of their
+superiors. By enlarging and complicating your machines, you degrade,
+not exalt, the human animals you employ to direct them. When the
+boatswain of a seventy-four pipes all hands to the main tack, and
+flourishes his rope's end over the shoulders of the poor fellows who
+are tugging at the ropes, do you perceive so dignified, so gratifying
+a picture, as Ulysses exhorting his dear friends, his ERIAERES
+'ETAIROI, to ply their oars with energy? You will say, Ulysses was a
+fabulous character. But the economy of his vessel is drawn from
+nature. Every man on board has a character and a will of his own. He
+talks to them, argues with them, convinces them; and they obey him,
+because they love him, and know the reason of his orders. Now, as I
+have said before, all singleness of character is lost. We divide men
+into herds like cattle: an individual man, if you strip him of all
+that is extraneous to himself, is the most wretched and contemptible
+creature on the face of the earth. The sciences advance. True. A few
+years of study puts a modern mathematician in possession of more than
+Newton knew, and leaves him at leisure to add new discoveries of his
+own. Agreed. But does this make him a Newton? Does it put him in
+possession of that range of intellect, that grasp of mind, from which
+the discoveries of Newton sprang? It is mental power that I look for:
+if you can demonstrate the increase of that, I will give up the field.
+Energy--independence--individuality--disinterested virtue--active
+benevolence--self-oblivion--universal philanthropy--these are the
+qualities I desire to find, and of which I contend that every
+succeeding age produces fewer examples. I repeat it; there is scarcely
+such a thing to be found as a single individual man; a few classes
+compose the whole frame of society, and when you know one of a class
+you know the whole of it. Give me the wild man of the woods; the
+original, unthinking, unscientific, unlogical savage: in him there is
+at least some good; but, in a civilised, sophisticated, cold-blooded,
+mechanical, calculating slave of Mammon and the world, there is
+none--absolutely none. Sir, if I fall into a river, an unsophisticated
+man will jump in and bring me out; but a philosopher will look on with
+the utmost calmness, and consider me in the light of a projectile,
+and, making a calculation of the degree of force with which I have
+impinged the surface, the resistance of the fluid, the velocity of the
+current, and the depth of the water in that particular place, he will
+ascertain with the greatest nicety in what part of the mud at the
+bottom I may probably be found, at any given distance of time from the
+moment of my first immersion."
+
+Mr Foster was preparing to reply, when the first dinner-bell rang, and
+he immediately commenced a precipitate return towards the house;
+followed by his two companions, who both admitted that he was now
+leading the way to at least a temporary period of physical
+amelioration: "but, alas!" added Mr Escot, after a moment's
+reflection, "Epulae NOCUERE repostae![4.3]"
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V
+    The Dinner
+
+
+The sun was now terminating his diurnal course, and the lights were
+glittering on the festal board. When the ladies had retired, and the
+Burgundy had taken two or three tours of the table, the following
+conversation took place:--
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Push about the bottle: Mr Escot, it stands with you. No heeltaps. As
+to skylight, liberty-hall.
+
+    _Mr Mac Laurel._
+Really, Squire Headlong, this is the vara nectar itsel. Ye hae
+saretainly discovered the tarrestrial paradise, but it flows wi' a
+better leecor than milk an' honey.
+
+    _The Reverend Doctor Gaster._
+Hem! Mr Mac Laurel! there is a degree of profaneness in that
+observation, which I should not have looked for in so staunch a
+supporter of church and state. Milk and honey was the pure food of the
+antediluvian patriarchs, who knew not the use of the grape, happily
+for them.--(_Tossing off a bumper of Burgundy._)
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Happy, indeed! The first inhabitants of the world knew not the use
+either of wine or animal food; it is, therefore, by no means
+incredible that they lived to the age of several centuries, free from
+war, and commerce, and arbitrary government, and every other species
+of desolating wickedness. But man was then a very different animal to
+what he now is: he had not the faculty of speech; he was not
+encumbered with clothes; he lived in the open air; his first step out
+of which, as Hamlet truly observes, is _into his grave_[5.1]. His
+first dwellings, of course, were the hollows of trees and rocks. In
+process of time he began to build: thence grew villages; thence grew
+cities. Luxury, oppression, poverty, misery, and disease kept pace
+with the progress of his pretended improvements, till, from a free,
+strong, healthy, peaceful animal, he has become a weak, distempered,
+cruel, carnivorous slave.
+
+    _The Reverend Doctor Gaster._
+Your doctrine is orthodox, in so far as you assert that the original
+man was not encumbered with clothes, and that he lived in the open
+air; but, as to the faculty of speech, that, it is certain, he had,
+for the authority of Moses----
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Of course, sir, I do not presume to dissent from the very exalted
+authority of that most enlightened astronomer and profound
+cosmogonist, who had, moreover, the advantage of being inspired; but
+when I indulge myself with a ramble in the fields of speculation, and
+attempt to deduce what is probable and rational from the sources of
+analysis, experience, and comparison, I confess I am too often apt to
+lose sight of the doctrines of that great fountain of theological and
+geological philosophy.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Push about the bottle.
+
+    _Mr Foster._
+Do you suppose the mere animal life of a wild man, living on acorns,
+and sleeping on the ground, comparable in felicity to that of a
+Newton, ranging through unlimited space, and penetrating into the
+arcana of universal motion--to that of a Locke, unravelling the
+labyrinth of mind--to that of a Lavoisier, detecting the minutest
+combinations of matter, and reducing all nature to its elements--to
+that of a Shakespeare, piercing and developing the springs of
+passion--or of a Milton, identifying himself, as it were, with the
+beings of an invisible world?
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+You suppose extreme cases: but, on the score of happiness, what
+comparison can you make between the tranquil being of the wild man of
+the woods and the wretched and turbulent existence of Milton, the
+victim of persecution, poverty, blindness, and neglect? The records of
+literature demonstrate that Happiness and Intelligence are seldom
+sisters. Even if it were otherwise, it would prove nothing. The many
+are always sacrificed to the few. Where one man advances, hundreds
+retrograde; and the balance is always in favour of universal
+deterioration.
+
+    _Mr Foster._
+Virtue is independent of external circumstances. The exalted
+understanding looks into the truth of things, and, in its own peaceful
+contemplations, rises superior to the world. No philosopher would
+resign his mental acquisitions for the purchase of any terrestrial
+good.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+In other words, no man whatever would resign his identity, which is
+nothing more than the consciousness of his perceptions, as the price
+of any acquisition. But every man, without exception, would willingly
+effect a very material change in his relative situation to other
+individuals. Unluckily for the rest of your argument, the
+understanding of literary people is for the most part _exalted_, as
+you express it, not so much by the love of truth and virtue, as by
+arrogance and self-sufficiency; and there is, perhaps, less
+disinterestedness, less liberality, less general benevolence, and more
+envy, hatred, and uncharitableness among them, than among any other
+description of men.
+
+(_The eye of Mr Escot, as he pronounced these words, rested very
+innocently and unintentionally on Mr Gall._)
+
+    _Mr Gall._
+You allude, sir, I presume, to my review.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Pardon me, sir. You will be convinced it is impossible I can allude to
+your review, when I assure you that I have never read a single page of
+it.
+
+    _Mr Gall, Mr Treacle, Mr Nightshade, and Mr Mac Laurel._
+Never read our review! ! ! !
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Never. I look on periodical criticism in general to be a species of
+shop, where panegyric and defamation are sold, wholesale, retail, and
+for exportation. I am not inclined to be a purchaser of these
+commodities, or to encourage a trade which I consider pregnant with
+mischief.
+
+    _Mr Mac Laurel._
+I can readily conceive, sir, ye wou'd na wullingly encoorage ony
+dealer in panegeeric: but, frae the manner in which ye speak o' the
+first creetics an' scholars o' the age, I shou'd think ye wou'd hae a
+leetle mair predilaction for deefamation.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I have no predilection, sir, for defamation. I make a point of
+speaking the truth on all occasions; and it seldom happens that the
+truth can be spoken without some stricken deer pronouncing it a libel.
+
+    _Mr Nightshade._
+You are perhaps, sir, an enemy to literature in general?
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+If I were, sir, I should be a better friend to periodical critics.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Buz!
+
+    _Mr Treacle._
+May I simply take the liberty to inquire into the basis of your
+objection?
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I conceive that periodical criticism disseminates superficial
+knowledge, and its perpetual adjunct, vanity; that it checks in the
+youthful mind the habit of thinking for itself; that it delivers
+partial opinions, and thereby misleads the judgment; that it is never
+conducted with a view to the general interests of literature, but to
+serve the interested ends of individuals, and the miserable purposes
+of party.
+
+    _Mr Mac Laurel._
+Ye ken, sir, a mon mun leeve.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+While he can live honourably, naturally, justly, certainly: no longer.
+
+    _Mr Mac Laurel._
+Every mon, sir, leeves according to his ain notions of honour an'
+justice: there is a wee defference amang the learned wi' respact to
+the defineetion o' the terms.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I believe it is generally admitted that one of the ingredients of
+justice is disinterestedness.
+
+    _Mr Mac Laurel._
+It is na admetted, sir, amang the pheelosophers of Edinbroo', that
+there is ony sic thing as desenterestedness in the warld, or that a
+mon can care for onything sae much as his ain sel: for ye mun observe,
+sir, every mon has his ain parteecular feelings of what is gude, an'
+beautifu', an' consentaneous to his ain indiveedual nature, an'
+desires to see every thing aboot him in that parteecular state which
+is maist conformable to his ain notions o' the moral an' poleetical
+fetness o' things. Twa men, sir, shall purchase a piece o' grund
+atween 'em, and ae mon shall cover his half wi' a park----
+
+    _Mr Milestone._
+Beautifully laid out in lawns and clumps, with a belt of trees at the
+circumference, and an artificial lake in the centre.
+
+    _Mr Mac Laurel._
+Exactly, sir: an' shall keep it a' for his ain sel: an' the other mon
+shall divide his half into leetle farms of twa or three acres----
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Like those of the Roman republic, and build a cottage on each of them,
+and cover his land with a simple, innocent, and smiling population,
+who shall owe, not only their happiness, but their existence, to his
+benevolence.
+
+    _Mr Mac Laurel._
+Exactly, sir: an' ye will ca' the first mon selfish, an' the second
+desenterested; but the pheelosophical truth is semply this, that the
+ane is pleased wi' looking at trees, an' the other wi' seeing people
+happy an' comfortable. It is aunly a matter of indiveedual feeling. A
+paisant saves a mon's life for the same reason that a hero or a
+footpad cuts his thrapple: an' a pheelosopher delevers a mon frae a
+preson, for the same reason that a tailor or a prime meenester puts
+him into it: because it is conformable to his ain parteecular feelings
+o' the moral an' poleetical fetness o' things.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Wake the Reverend Doctor. Doctor, the bottle stands with you.
+
+    _The Reverend Doctor Gaster._
+It is an error of which I am seldom guilty.
+
+    _Mr Mac Laurel._
+Noo, ye ken, sir, every mon is the centre of his ain system, an'
+endaivours as much as possible to adapt every thing aroond him to his
+ain parteecular views.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Thus, sir, I presume, it suits the particular views of a poet, at one
+time to take the part of the people against their oppressors, and at
+another, to take the part of the oppressors, against the people.
+
+    _Mr Mac Laurel._
+Ye mun alloo, sir, that poetry is a sort of ware or commodity, that is
+brought into the public market wi' a' other descreptions of
+merchandise, an' that a mon is pairfectly justified in getting the
+best price he can for his article. Noo, there are three reasons for
+taking the part o' the people; the first is, when general leeberty an'
+public happiness are conformable to your ain parteecular feelings o'
+the moral an' poleetical fetness o' things: the second is, when they
+happen to be, as it were, in a state of exceetabeelity, an' ye think
+ye can get a gude price for your commodity, by flingin' in a leetle
+seasoning o' pheelanthropy an' republican speerit; the third is, when
+ye think ye can bully the menestry into gieing ye a place or a pansion
+to hau'd your din, an' in that case, ye point an attack against them
+within the pale o' the law; an' if they tak nae heed o' ye, ye open a
+stronger fire; an' the less heed they tak, the mair ye bawl; an' the
+mair factious ye grow, always within the pale o' the law, till they
+send a plenipotentiary to treat wi' ye for yoursel, an' then the mair
+popular ye happen to be, the better price ye fetch.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Off with your heeltaps.
+
+    _Mr Cranium._
+I perfectly agree with Mr Mac Laurel in his definition of self-love
+and disinterestedness: every man's actions are determined by his
+peculiar views, and those views are determined by the organisation of
+his skull. A man in whom the organ of benevolence is not developed,
+cannot be benevolent: he in whom it is so, cannot be otherwise. The
+organ of self-love is prodigiously developed in the greater number of
+subjects that have fallen under my observation.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Much less I presume, among savage than civilised men, who, _constant
+only to the love of self, and consistent only in their aim to deceive,
+are always actuated by the hope of personal advantage, or by the dread
+of personal punishment_[5.2].
+
+    _Mr Cranium._
+Very probably.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+You have, of course, found very copious specimens of the organs of
+hypocrisy, destruction, and avarice.
+
+    _Mr Cranium._
+Secretiveness, destructiveness, and covetiveness. You may add, if you
+please, that of constructiveness.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Meaning, I presume, the organ of building; which I contend to be not a
+natural organ of the _featherless biped_.
+
+    _Mr Cranium._
+Pardon me: it is here.--(_As he said these words, he produced a skull
+from his pocket, and placed it on the table to the great surprise of
+the company._)--This was the skull of Sir Christopher Wren. You
+observe this protuberance--(_The skull was handed round the table._)
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I contend that the original unsophisticated man was by no means
+constructive. He lived in the open air, under a tree.
+
+    _The Reverend Doctor Gaster._
+The tree of life. Unquestionably. Till he had tasted the forbidden
+fruit.
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+At which period, probably, the organ of constructiveness was added to
+his anatomy, as a punishment for his transgression.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+There could not have been a more severe one, since the propensity
+which has led him to building cities has proved the greatest curse of
+his existence.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+(_taking the skull._) _Memento mori._ Come, a bumper of Burgundy.
+
+    _Mr Nightshade._
+A very classical application, Squire Headlong. The Romans were in the
+practice of adhibiting skulls at their banquets, and sometimes little
+skeletons of silver, as a silent admonition to the guests to enjoy
+life while it lasted.
+
+    _The Reverend Doctor Gaster._
+Sound doctrine, Mr Nightshade.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I question its soundness. The use of vinous spirit has a tremendous
+influence in the deterioration of the human race.
+
+    _Mr Foster._
+I fear, indeed, it operates as a considerable check to the progress of
+the species towards moral and intellectual perfection. Yet many great
+men have been of opinion that it exalts the imagination, fires the
+genius, accelerates the flow of ideas, and imparts to dispositions
+naturally cold and deliberative that enthusiastic sublimation which is
+the source of greatness and energy.
+
+    _Mr Nightshade._
+_Laudibus arguitur vini vinosus Homerus._[5.3]
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+I conceive the use of wine to be always pernicious in excess, but
+often useful in moderation: it certainly kills some, but it saves the
+lives of others: I find that an occasional glass, taken with judgment
+and caution, has a very salutary effect in maintaining that
+equilibrium of the system, which it is always my aim to preserve; and
+this calm and temperate use of wine was, no doubt, what Homer meant to
+inculcate, when he said: _Par de depas oinoio, piein hote thumos
+anogoi._[5.4]
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Good. Pass the bottle. (_Un morne silence_). Sir Christopher does not
+seem to have raised our spirits. Chromatic, favour us with a specimen
+of your vocal powers. Something in point.
+
+Mr Chromatic, without further preface, immediately struck up the
+following
+
+        SONG
+
+    In his last binn Sir Peter lies,
+      Who knew not what it was to frown:
+    Death took him mellow, by surprise,
+      And in his cellar stopped him down.
+    Through all our land we could not boast
+      A knight more gay, more prompt than he,
+    To rise and fill a bumper toast,
+      And pass it round with THREE TIMES THREE.
+
+    None better knew the feast to sway,
+      Or keep Mirth's boat in better trim;
+    For Nature had but little clay
+      Like that of which she moulded him.
+    The meanest guest that graced his board
+      Was there the freest of the free,
+    His bumper toast when Peter poured,
+      And passed it round with THREE TIMES THREE.
+
+    He kept at true good humour's mark
+      The social flow of pleasure's tide:
+    He never made a brow look dark,
+      Nor caused a tear, but when he died.
+    No sorrow round his tomb should dwell:
+      More pleased his gay old ghost would be,
+    For funeral song, and passing bell,
+      To hear no sound but THREE TIMES THREE.
+
+(_Hammering of knuckles and glasses and shouts of bravo!_)
+
+    _Mr Panscope._
+(_Suddenly emerging from a deep reverie._) I have heard, with the most
+profound attention, every thing which the gentleman on the other side
+of the table has thought proper to advance on the subject of human
+deterioration; and I must take the liberty to remark, that it augurs a
+very considerable degree of presumption in any individual, to set
+himself up against the _authority_ of so many great men, as may be
+marshalled in metaphysical phalanx under the opposite banners of the
+controversy; such as Aristotle, Plato, the scholiast on Aristophanes,
+St Chrysostom, St Jerome, St Athanasius, Orpheus, Pindar, Simonides,
+Gronovius, Hemsterhusius, Longinus, Sir Isaac Newton, Thomas Paine,
+Doctor Paley, the King of Prussia, the King of Poland, Cicero,
+Monsieur Gautier, Hippocrates, Machiavelli, Milton, Colley Cibber,
+Bojardo, Gregory Nazianzenus, Locke, D'Alembert, Boccaccio, Daniel
+Defoe, Erasmus, Doctor Smollett, Zimmermann, Solomon, Confucius,
+Zoroaster, and Thomas-a-Kempis.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I presume, sir, you are one of those who value an _authority_ more
+than a reason.
+
+    _Mr Panscope._
+The _authority_, sir, of all these great men, whose works, as well as
+the whole of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, the entire series of the
+Monthly Review, the complete set of the Variorum Classics, and the
+Memoirs of the Academy of Inscriptions, I have read through from
+beginning to end, deposes, with irrefragable refutation, against your
+ratiocinative speculations, wherein you seem desirous, by the futile
+process of analytical dialectics, to subvert the pyramidal structure
+of synthetically deduced opinions, which have withstood the secular
+revolutions of physiological disquisition, and which I maintain to be
+transcendentally self-evident, categorically certain, and
+syllogistically demonstrable.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Bravo! Pass the bottle. The very best speech that ever was made.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+It has only the slight disadvantage of being unintelligible.
+
+    _Mr Panscope._
+I am not obliged, sir, as Dr Johnson observed on a similar occasion,
+to furnish you with an understanding.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I fear, sir, you would have some difficulty in furnishing me with such
+an article from your own stock.
+
+    _Mr Panscope._
+'Sdeath, sir, do you question my understanding?
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I only question, sir, where I expect a reply; which, from things that
+have no existence, I am not visionary enough to anticipate.
+
+    _Mr Panscope._
+I beg leave to observe, sir, that my language was perfectly
+perspicuous, and etymologically correct; and, I conceive, I have
+demonstrated what I shall now take the liberty to say in plain terms,
+that all your opinions are extremely absurd.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I should be sorry, sir, to advance any opinion that you would not
+think absurd.
+
+    _Mr Panscope._
+Death and fury, sir----
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Say no more, sir. That apology is quite sufficient.
+
+    _Mr Panscope._
+Apology, sir?
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Even so, sir. You have lost your temper, which I consider equivalent
+to a confession that you have the worst of the argument.
+
+    _Mr Panscope._
+Lightning and devils! sir----
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+No civil war!--Temperance, in the name of Bacchus!--A glee! a glee!
+_Music has charms to bend the knotted oak._ Sir Patrick, you'll join?
+
+    _Sir Patrick O'Prism._
+Troth, with all my heart; for, by my soul, I'm bothered completely.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Agreed, then; you, and I, and Chromatic. Bumpers! Come, strike up.
+
+Squire Headlong, Mr Chromatic, and Sir Patrick O'Prism, each holding a
+bumper, immediately vociferated the following
+
+        GLEE
+
+    A heeltap! a heeltap! I never could bear it!
+    So fill me a bumper, a bumper of claret!
+    Let the bottle pass freely, don't shirk it nor spare it,
+    For a heeltap! a heeltap! I never could bear it!
+
+    No skylight! no twilight! while Bacchus rules o'er us:
+    No thinking! no shrinking! all drinking in chorus:
+    Let us moisten our clay, since 'tis thirsty and porous:
+    No thinking! no shrinking! all drinking in chorus!
+
+        GRAND CHORUS
+
+_By Squire Headlong, Mr Chromatic, Sir Patrick O'Prism, Mr
+Panscope, Mr Jenkison, Mr Gall, Mr Treacle, Mr Nightshade, Mr Mac
+Laurel, Mr Cranium, Mr Milestone, and the Reverend Dr Gaster._
+
+    A heeltap! a heeltap! I never could bear it!
+    So fill me a bumper, a bumper of claret!
+    Let the bottle pass freely, don't shirk it nor spare it,
+    For a heeltap! a heeltap! I never could bear it!
+
+    'OMADOS KAI DOUPOS OROREI'
+
+The little butler now waddled in with a summons from the ladies to tea
+and coffee. The squire was unwilling to leave his Burgundy. Mr Escot
+strenuously urged the necessity of immediate adjournment, observing,
+that the longer they continued drinking the worse they should be. Mr
+Foster seconded the motion, declaring the transition from the bottle
+to female society to be an indisputable amelioration of the state of
+the sensitive man. Mr Jenkison allowed the squire and his two brother
+philosophers to settle the point between them, concluding that he was
+just as well in one place as another. The question of adjournment was
+then put, and carried by a large majority.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI
+    The Evening
+
+
+Mr Panscope, highly irritated by the cool contempt with which Mr Escot
+had treated him, sate sipping his coffee and meditating revenge. He
+was not long in discovering the passion of his antagonist for the
+beautiful Cephalis, for whom he had himself a species of predilection;
+and it was also obvious to him, that there was some lurking anger in
+the mind of her father, unfavourable to the hopes of his rival. The
+stimulus of revenge, superadded to that of preconceived inclination,
+determined him, after due deliberation, to _cut out_ Mr Escot in the
+young lady's favour. The practicability of this design he did not
+trouble himself to investigate; for the havoc he had made in the
+hearts of some silly girls, who were extremely vulnerable to flattery,
+and who, not understanding a word he said, considered him a
+_prodigious clever man_, had impressed him with an unhesitating idea
+of his own irresistibility. He had not only the requisites already
+specified for fascinating female vanity, he could likewise fiddle with
+tolerable dexterity, though by no means so _quick_ as Mr Chromatic
+(for our readers are of course aware that rapidity of execution, not
+delicacy of expression, constitutes the scientific perfection of
+modern music), and could warble a fashionable love-ditty with
+considerable affectation of feeling: besides this, he was always
+extremely well dressed, and was heir-apparent to an estate of ten
+thousand a-year. The influence which the latter consideration might
+have on the minds of the majority of his female acquaintance, whose
+morals had been formed by the novels of such writers as Miss Philomela
+Poppyseed, did not once enter into his calculation of his own personal
+attractions. Relying, therefore, on past success, he determined _to
+appeal to his fortune_, and already, in imagination, considered
+himself sole lord and master of the affections of the beautiful
+Cephalis.
+
+Mr Escot and Mr Foster were the only two of the party who had entered
+the library (to which the ladies had retired, and which was interior
+to the music-room) in a state of perfect sobriety. Mr Escot had placed
+himself next to the beautiful Cephalis: Mr Cranium had laid aside much
+of the terror of his frown; the short craniological conversation,
+which had passed between him and Mr Escot, had softened his heart in
+his favour; and the copious libations of Burgundy in which he had
+indulged had smoothed his brow into unusual serenity.
+
+Mr Foster placed himself near the lovely Caprioletta, whose artless
+and innocent conversation had already made an impression on his
+susceptible spirit.
+
+The Reverend Doctor Gaster seated himself in the corner of a sofa near
+Miss Philomela Poppyseed. Miss Philomela detailed to him the plan of a
+very moral and aristocratical novel she was preparing for the press,
+and continued holding forth, with her eyes half shut, till a
+long-drawn nasal tone from the reverend divine compelled her suddenly
+to open them in all the indignation of surprise. The cessation of the
+hum of her voice awakened the reverend gentleman, who, lifting up
+first one eyelid, then the other, articulated, or rather murmured,
+"Admirably planned, indeed!"
+
+"I have not quite finished, sir," said Miss Philomela, bridling. "Will
+you have the goodness to inform me where I left off?"
+
+The doctor hummed a while, and at length answered: "I think you had
+just laid it down as a position, that a thousand a-year is an
+indispensable ingredient in the passion of love, and that no man, who
+is not so far gifted by _nature_, can reasonably presume to feel that
+passion himself, or be correctly the object of it with a well-educated
+female."
+
+"That, sir," said Miss Philomela, highly incensed, "is the fundamental
+principle which I lay down in the first chapter, and which the whole
+four volumes, of which I detailed to you the outline, are intended to
+set in a strong practical light."
+
+"Bless me!" said the doctor, "what a nap I must have had!"
+
+Miss Philomela flung away to the side of her dear friends Gall and
+Treacle, under whose fostering patronage she had been puffed into an
+extensive reputation, much to the advantage of the young ladies of the
+age, whom she taught to consider themselves as a sort of commodity, to
+be put up at public auction, and knocked down to the highest bidder.
+Mr Nightshade and Mr Mac Laurel joined the trio; and it was secretly
+resolved, that Miss Philomela should furnish them with a portion of
+her manuscripts, and that Messieurs Gall & Co. should devote the
+following morning to cutting and drying a critique on a work
+calculated to prove so extensively beneficial, that Mr Gall protested
+he really _envied_ the writer.
+
+While this amiable and enlightened quintetto were busily employed in
+flattering one another, Mr Cranium retired to complete the
+preparations he had begun in the morning for a lecture, with which he
+intended, on some future evening, to favour the company: Sir Patrick
+O'Prism walked out into the grounds to study the effect of moonlight
+on the snow-clad mountains: Mr Foster and Mr Escot continued to make
+love, and Mr Panscope to digest his plan of attack on the heart of
+Miss Cephalis: Mr Jenkison sate by the fire, reading _Much Ado about
+Nothing_: the Reverend Doctor Gaster was still enjoying the benefit of
+Miss Philomela's opiate, and serenading the company from his solitary
+corner: Mr Chromatic was reading music, and occasionally humming a
+note: and Mr Milestone had produced his portfolio for the edification
+and amusement of Miss Tenorina, Miss Graziosa, and Squire Headlong, to
+whom he was pointing out the various beauties of his plan for Lord
+Littlebrain's park.
+
+    _Mr Milestone._
+This, you perceive, is the natural state of one part of the grounds.
+Here is a wood, never yet touched by the finger of taste; thick,
+intricate, and gloomy. Here is a little stream, dashing from stone to
+stone, and overshadowed with these untrimmed boughs.
+
+    _Miss Tenorina._
+The sweet romantic spot! How beautifully the birds must sing there on
+a summer evening!
+
+    _Miss Graziosa._
+Dear sister! how can you endure the horrid thicket?
+
+    _Mr Milestone._
+You are right, Miss Graziosa: your taste is correct--perfectly
+_en regle_. Now, here is the same place corrected--trimmed--polished
+--decorated--adorned. Here sweeps a plantation, in that beautiful regular
+curve: there winds a gravel walk: here are parts of the old wood, left in
+these majestic circular clumps, disposed at equal distances with
+wonderful symmetry: there are some single shrubs scattered in elegant
+profusion: here a Portugal laurel, there a juniper; here a laurustinus,
+there a spruce fir; here a larch, there a lilac; here a rhododendron,
+there an arbutus. The stream, you see, is become a canal: the banks are
+perfectly smooth and green, sloping to the water's edge: and there is
+Lord Littlebrain, rowing in an elegant boat.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Magical, faith!
+
+    _Mr Milestone._
+Here is another part of the grounds in its natural state. Here is a
+large rock, with the mountain-ash rooted in its fissures, overgrown,
+as you see, with ivy and moss; and from this part of it bursts a
+little fountain, that runs bubbling down its rugged sides.
+
+    _Miss Tenorina._
+O how beautiful! How I should love the melody of that miniature
+cascade!
+
+    _Mr Milestone._
+Beautiful, Miss Tenorina! Hideous. Base, common, and popular. Such a
+thing as you may see anywhere, in wild and mountainous districts. Now,
+observe the metamorphosis. Here is the same rock, cut into the shape
+of a giant. In one hand he holds a horn, through which that little
+fountain is thrown to a prodigious elevation. In the other is a
+ponderous stone, so exactly balanced as to be apparently ready to fall
+on the head of any person who may happen to be beneath[6.1]: and there
+is Lord Littlebrain walking under it.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Miraculous, by Mahomet!
+
+    _Mr Milestone._
+This is the summit of a hill, covered, as you perceive, with wood, and
+with those mossy stones scattered at random under the trees.
+
+    _Miss Tenorina._
+What a delightful spot to read in, on a summer's day! The air must be
+so pure, and the wind must sound so divinely in the tops of those old
+pines!
+
+    _Mr Milestone._
+Bad taste, Miss Tenorina. Bad taste, I assure you. Here is the spot
+improved. The trees are cut down: the stones are cleared away: this is
+an octagonal pavilion, exactly on the centre of the summit: and there
+you see Lord Littlebrain, on the top of the pavilion, enjoying the
+prospect with a telescope.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Glorious, egad!
+
+    _Mr Milestone._
+Here is a rugged mountainous road, leading through impervious shades:
+the ass and the four goats characterise a wild uncultured scene. Here,
+as you perceive, it is totally changed into a beautiful gravel-road,
+gracefully curving through a belt of limes: and there is Lord
+Littlebrain driving four-in-hand.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+Egregious, by Jupiter!
+
+    _Mr Milestone._
+Here is Littlebrain Castle, a Gothic, moss-grown structure, half
+bosomed in trees. Near the casement of that turret is an owl peeping
+from the ivy.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+And devilish wise he looks.
+
+    _Mr Milestone._
+Here is the new house, without a tree near it, standing in the midst
+of an undulating lawn: a white, polished, angular building, reflected
+to a nicety in this waveless lake: and there you see Lord Littlebrain
+looking out of the window.
+
+    _Squire Headlong._
+And devilish wise he looks too. You shall cut me a giant before you
+go.
+
+    _Mr Milestone._
+Good. I'll order down my little corps of pioneers.
+
+During this conversation, a hot dispute had arisen between Messieurs
+Gall and Nightshade; the latter pertinaciously insisting on having his
+new poem reviewed by Treacle, who he knew would extol it most loftily,
+and not by Gall, whose sarcastic commendation he held in superlative
+horror. The remonstrances of Squire Headlong silenced the disputants,
+but did not mollify the inflexible Gall, nor appease the irritated
+Nightshade, who secretly resolved that, on his return to London, he
+would beat his drum in Grub Street, form a mastigophoric corps of his
+own, and hoist the standard of determined opposition against this
+critical Napoleon.
+
+Sir Patrick O'Prism now entered, and, after some rapturous
+exclamations on the effect of the mountain-moonlight, entreated that
+one of the young ladies would favour him with a song. Miss Tenorina
+and Miss Graziosa now enchanted the company with some very scientific
+compositions, which, as usual, excited admiration and astonishment in
+every one, without a single particle of genuine pleasure. The
+beautiful Cephalis being then summoned to take her station at the
+harp, sang with feeling and simplicity the following air:--
+
+        LOVE AND OPPORTUNITY
+
+    Oh! who art thou, so swiftly flying?
+      My name is Love, the child replied:
+    Swifter I pass than south-winds sighing,
+      Or streams, through summer vales that glide.
+    And who art thou, his flight pursuing?
+      'Tis cold Neglect whom now you see:
+    The little god you there are viewing,
+      Will die, if once he's touched by me.
+
+    Oh! who art thou so fast proceeding,
+      Ne'er glancing back thine eyes of flame?
+    Marked but by few, through earth I'm speeding,
+      And Opportunity's my name.
+    What form is that, which scowls beside thee?
+      Repentance is the form you see:
+    Learn then, the fate may yet betide thee:
+      She seizes them who seize not me.[6.2]
+
+The little butler now appeared with a summons to supper, shortly after
+which the party dispersed for the night.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII
+    The Walk
+
+
+It was an old custom in Headlong Hall to have breakfast ready at
+eight, and continue it till two; that the various guests might rise at
+their own hour, breakfast when they came down, and employ the morning
+as they thought proper; the squire only expecting that they should
+punctually assemble at dinner. During the whole of this period, the
+little butler stood sentinel at a side-table near the fire, copiously
+furnished with all the apparatus of tea, coffee, chocolate, milk,
+cream, eggs, rolls, toast, muffins, bread, butter, potted beef, cold
+fowl and partridge, ham, tongue, and anchovy. The Reverend Doctor
+Gaster found himself rather _queasy_ in the morning, therefore
+preferred breakfasting in bed, on a mug of buttered ale and an anchovy
+toast. The three philosophers made their appearance at eight, and
+enjoyed _les premices des depouilles_. Mr Foster proposed that, as it
+was a fine frosty morning, and they were all good pedestrians, they
+should take a walk to Tremadoc, to see the improvements carrying on in
+that vicinity. This being readily acceded to, they began their walk.
+
+After their departure, appeared Squire Headlong and Mr Milestone, who
+agreed, over their muffin and partridge, to walk together to a ruined
+tower, within the precincts of the squire's grounds, which Mr
+Milestone thought he could improve.
+
+The other guests dropped in by ones and twos, and made their
+respective arrangements for the morning. Mr Panscope took a little
+ramble with Mr Cranium, in the course of which, the former professed a
+great enthusiasm for the science of craniology, and a great deal of
+love for the beautiful Cephalis, adding a few words about his
+expectations; the old gentleman was unable to withstand this triple
+battery, and it was accordingly determined--after the manner of the
+heroic age, in which it was deemed superfluous to consult the opinions
+and feelings of the lady, as to the manner in which she should be
+disposed of--that the lovely Miss Cranium should be made the happy
+bride of the accomplished Mr Panscope. We shall leave them for the
+present to settle preliminaries, while we accompany the three
+philosophers in their walk to Tremadoc.
+
+The vale contracted as they advanced, and, when they had passed the
+termination of the lake, their road wound along a narrow and romantic
+pass, through the middle of which an impetuous torrent dashed over
+vast fragments of stone. The pass was bordered on both sides by
+perpendicular rocks, broken into the wildest forms of fantastic
+magnificence.
+
+"These are, indeed," said Mr Escot, "_confracti mundi rudera_[7.1]:
+yet they must be feeble images of the valleys of the Andes, where the
+philosophic eye may contemplate, in their utmost extent, the effects
+of that tremendous convulsion which destroyed the perpendicularity of
+the poles, and inundated this globe with that torrent of physical
+evil, from which the greater torrent of moral evil has issued, that
+will continue to roll on, with an expansive power and an accelerated
+impetus, till the whole human race shall be swept away in its vortex."
+
+"The precession of the equinoxes," said Mr Foster, "will gradually
+ameliorate the physical state of our planet, till the ecliptic shall
+again coincide with the equator, and the equal diffusion of light and
+heat over the whole surface of the earth typify the equal and happy
+existence of man, who will then have attained the final step of pure
+and perfect intelligence."
+
+"It is by no means clear," said Mr Jenkison, "that the axis of the
+earth was ever perpendicular to the plane of its orbit, or that it
+ever will be so. Explosion and convulsion are necessary to the
+maintenance of either hypothesis: for La Place has demonstrated, that
+the precession of the equinoxes is only a secular equation of a very
+long period, which, of course, proves nothing either on one side or
+the other."
+
+They now emerged, by a winding ascent, from the vale of Llanberris,
+and after some little time arrived at Bedd Gelert. Proceeding through
+the sublimely romantic pass of Aberglaslynn, their road led along the
+edge of Traeth Mawr, a vast arm of the sea, which they then beheld in
+all the magnificence of the flowing tide. Another five miles brought
+them to the embankment, which has since been completed, and which, by
+connecting the two counties of Meirionnydd and Caernarvon, excludes
+the sea from an extensive tract. The embankment, which was carried on
+at the same time from both the opposite coasts, was then very nearly
+meeting in the centre. They walked to the extremity of that part of it
+which was thrown out from the Caernarvonshire shore. The tide was now
+ebbing: it had filled the vast basin within, forming a lake about five
+miles in length and more than one in breadth. As they looked upwards
+with their backs to the open sea, they beheld a scene which no other
+in this country can parallel, and which the admirers of the
+magnificence of nature will ever remember with regret, whatever
+consolation may be derived from the probable utility of the works
+which have excluded the waters from their ancient receptacle. Vast
+rocks and precipices, intersected with little torrents, formed the
+barrier on the left: on the right, the triple summit of Moelwyn reared
+its majestic boundary: in the depth was that sea of mountains, the
+wild and stormy outline of the Snowdonian chain, with the giant Wyddfa
+towering in the midst. The mountain-frame remains unchanged,
+unchangeable: but the liquid mirror it enclosed is gone.
+
+The tide ebbed with rapidity: the waters within, retained by the
+embankment, poured through its two points an impetuous cataract,
+curling and boiling in innumerable eddies, and making a tumultuous
+melody admirably in unison with the surrounding scene. The three
+philosophers looked on in silence; and at length unwillingly turned
+away, and proceeded to the little town of Tremadoc, which is built on
+land recovered in a similar manner from the sea. After inspecting the
+manufactories, and refreshing themselves at the inn on a cold saddle
+of mutton and a bottle of sherry, they retraced their steps towards
+Headlong Hall, commenting as they went on the various objects they had
+seen.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I regret that time did not allow us to see the caves on the sea-shore.
+There is one of which the depth is said to be unknown. There is a
+tradition in the country, that an adventurous fiddler once resolved to
+explore it; that he entered, and never returned; but that the
+subterranean sound of a fiddle was heard at a farm-house seven miles
+inland. It is, therefore, concluded that he lost his way in the
+labyrinth of caverns, supposed to exist under the rocky soil of this
+part of the country.
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+A supposition that must always remain in force, unless a second
+fiddler, equally adventurous and more successful, should return with
+an accurate report of the true state of the fact.
+
+    _Mr Foster._
+What think you of the little colony we have just been inspecting; a
+city, as it were, in its cradle?
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+With all the weakness of infancy, and all the vices of maturer age. I
+confess, the sight of those manufactories, which have suddenly sprung
+up, like fungous excrescences, in the bosom of these wild and desolate
+scenes, impressed me with as much horror and amazement as the sudden
+appearance of the stocking manufactory struck into the mind of
+Rousseau, when, in a lonely valley of the Alps, he had just
+congratulated himself on finding a spot where man had never been.
+
+    _Mr Foster._
+The manufacturing system is not yet purified from some evils which
+necessarily attend it, but which I conceive are greatly overbalanced
+by their concomitant advantages. Contemplate the vast sum of human
+industry to which this system so essentially contributes: seas covered
+with vessels, ports resounding with life, profound researches,
+scientific inventions, complicated mechanism, canals carried over deep
+valleys, and through the bosoms of hills: employment and existence
+thus given to innumerable families, and the multiplied comforts and
+conveniences of life diffused over the whole community.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+You present to me a complicated picture of artificial life, and
+require me to admire it. Seas covered with vessels: every one of which
+contains two or three tyrants, and from fifty to a thousand slaves,
+ignorant, gross, perverted, and active only in mischief. Ports
+resounding with life: in other words, with noise and drunkenness, the
+mingled din of avarice, intemperance, and prostitution. Profound
+researches, scientific inventions: to what end? To contract the sum of
+human wants? to teach the art of living on a little? to disseminate
+independence, liberty, and health? No; to multiply factitious desires,
+to stimulate depraved appetites, to invent unnatural wants, to heap up
+incense on the shrine of luxury, and accumulate expedients of selfish
+and ruinous profusion. Complicated machinery: behold its blessings.
+Twenty years ago, at the door of every cottage sate the good woman
+with her spinning-wheel: the children, if not more profitably employed
+than in gathering heath and sticks, at least laid in a stock of health
+and strength to sustain the labours of maturer years. Where is the
+spinning-wheel now, and every simple and insulated occupation of the
+industrious cottager? Wherever this boasted machinery is established,
+the children of the poor are death-doomed from their cradles. Look for
+one moment at midnight into a cotton-mill, amidst the smell of oil,
+the smoke of lamps, the rattling of wheels, the dizzy and complicated
+motions of diabolical mechanism: contemplate the little human machines
+that keep play with the revolutions of the iron work, robbed at that
+hour of their natural rest, as of air and exercise by day: observe
+their pale and ghastly features, more ghastly in that baleful and
+malignant light, and tell me if you do not fancy yourself on the
+threshold of Virgil's hell, where
+
+    Continuo auditae voces, vagitus et ingens,
+    _Infantumque animae flentes_, in limine primo,
+    Quos _dulcis vitae exsortes_, et ab ubere raptos,
+    _Abstulit atra dies_, et FUNERE MERSIT ACERBO!
+
+As Mr Escot said this, a little rosy-cheeked girl, with a basket of
+heath on her head, came tripping down the side of one of the rocks on
+the left. The force of contrast struck even on the phlegmatic spirit
+of Mr Jenkison, and he almost inclined for a moment to the doctrine of
+deterioration. Mr Escot continued:
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Nor is the lot of the parents more enviable. Sedentary victims of
+unhealthy toil, they have neither the corporeal energy of the savage,
+nor the mental acquisitions of the civilised man. Mind, indeed, they
+have none, and scarcely animal life. They are mere automata, component
+parts of the enormous machines which administer to the pampered
+appetites of the few, who consider themselves the most valuable
+portion of a state, because they consume in indolence the fruits of
+the earth, and contribute nothing to the benefit of the community.
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+That these are evils cannot be denied; but they have their
+counterbalancing advantages. That a man should pass the day in a
+furnace and the night in a cellar, is bad for the individual, but good
+for others who enjoy the benefit of his labour.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+By what right do they so?
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+By the right of all property and all possession: _le droit du plus
+fort_.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Do you justify that principle?
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+I neither justify nor condemn it. It is practically recognised in all
+societies; and, though it is certainly the source of enormous evil, I
+conceive it is also the source of abundant good, or it would not have
+so many supporters.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+That is by no means a consequence. Do we not every day see men
+supporting the most enormous evils, which they know to be so with
+respect to others, and which in reality are so with respect to
+themselves, though an erroneous view of their own miserable
+self-interest induces them to think otherwise?
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+Good and evil exist only as they are perceived. I cannot therefore
+understand, how that which a man perceives to be good can be in
+reality an evil to him: indeed, the word _reality_ only signifies
+_strong belief_.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+The views of such a man I contend are false. If he could be made to
+see the truth----
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+He sees his own truth. Truth is that which a man _troweth_. Where
+there is no man there is no truth. Thus the truth of one is not the
+truth of another.[7.2]
+
+    _Mr Foster._
+I am aware of the etymology; but I contend that there is an universal
+and immutable truth, deducible from the nature of things.
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+By whom deducible? Philosophers have investigated the nature of things
+for centuries, yet no two of them will agree in _trowing_ the same
+conclusion.
+
+    _Mr Foster._
+The progress of philosophical investigation, and the rapidly
+increasing accuracy of human knowledge, approximate by degrees the
+diversities of opinion; so that, in process of time, moral science
+will be susceptible of mathematical demonstration; and, clear and
+indisputable principles being universally recognised, the coincidence
+of deduction will necessarily follow.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Possibly when the inroads of luxury and disease shall have
+exterminated nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and
+ninety-nine of every million of the human race, the remaining
+fractional units may congregate into one point, and come to something
+like the same conclusion.
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+I doubt it much. I conceive, if only we three were survivors of the
+whole system of terrestrial being, we should never agree in our
+decisions as to the cause of the calamity.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Be that as it may, I think you must at least assent to the following
+positions: that the many are sacrificed to the few; that ninety-nine
+in a hundred are occupied in a perpetual struggle for the preservation
+of a perilous and precarious existence, while the remaining one
+wallows in all the redundancies of luxury that can be wrung from their
+labours and privations; that luxury and liberty are incompatible; and
+that every new want you invent for civilised man is a new instrument
+of torture for him who cannot indulge it.
+
+They had now regained the shores of the lake, when the conversation
+was suddenly interrupted by a tremendous explosion, followed by a
+violent splashing of water, and various sounds of tumult and
+confusion, which induced them to quicken their pace towards the spot
+whence they proceeded.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII
+    The Tower
+
+
+In all the thoughts, words, and actions of Squire Headlong, there was
+a remarkable alacrity of progression, which almost annihilated the
+interval between conception and execution. He was utterly regardless
+of obstacles, and seemed to have expunged their very name from his
+vocabulary. His designs were never nipped in their infancy by the
+contemplation of those trivial difficulties which often turn awry the
+current of enterprise; and, though the rapidity of his movements was
+sometimes arrested by a more formidable barrier, either naturally
+existing in the pursuit he had undertaken, or created by his own
+impetuosity, he seldom failed to succeed either in knocking it down or
+cutting his way through it. He had little idea of gradation: he saw no
+interval between the first step and the last, but pounced upon his
+object with the impetus of a mountain cataract. This rapidity of
+movement, indeed, subjected him to some disasters which cooler spirits
+would have escaped. He was an excellent sportsman, and almost always
+killed his game; but now and then he killed his dog.[8.1] Rocks,
+streams, hedges, gates, and ditches, were objects of no account in his
+estimation; though a dislocated shoulder, several severe bruises, and
+two or three narrow escapes for his neck, might have been expected to
+teach him a certain degree of caution in effecting his transitions. He
+was so singularly alert in climbing precipices and traversing
+torrents, that, when he went out on a shooting party, he was very soon
+left to continue his sport alone, for he was sure to dash up or down
+some nearly perpendicular path, where no one else had either ability
+or inclination to follow. He had a pleasure boat on the lake, which he
+steered with amazing dexterity; but as he always indulged himself in
+the utmost possible latitude of sail, he was occasionally upset by a
+sudden gust, and was indebted to his skill in the art of swimming for
+the opportunity of tempering with a copious libation of wine the
+unnatural frigidity introduced into his stomach by the extraordinary
+intrusion of water, an element which he had religiously determined
+should never pass his lips, but of which, on these occasions, he was
+sometimes compelled to swallow no inconsiderable quantity. This
+circumstance alone, of the various disasters that befell him,
+occasioned him any permanent affliction, and he accordingly noted the
+day in his pocket-book as a _dies nefastus_, with this simple
+abstract, and brief chronicle of the calamity: _Mem. Swallowed two or
+three pints of water_: without any notice whatever of the concomitant
+circumstances. These days, of which there were several, were set apart
+in Headlong Hall for the purpose of anniversary expiation; and, as
+often as the day returned on which the squire had swallowed water, he
+not only made a point of swallowing a treble allowance of wine
+himself, but imposed a heavy mulct on every one of his servants who
+should be detected in a state of sobriety after sunset: but their
+conduct on these occasions was so uniformly exemplary, that no
+instance of the infliction of the penalty appears on record.
+
+The squire and Mr Milestone, as we have already said, had set out
+immediately after breakfast to examine the capabilities of the
+scenery. The object that most attracted Mr Milestone's admiration was
+a ruined tower on a projecting point of rock, almost totally overgrown
+with ivy. This ivy, Mr Milestone observed, required trimming and
+clearing in various parts: a little pointing and polishing was also
+necessary for the dilapidated walls: and the whole effect would be
+materially increased by a plantation of spruce fir, interspersed with
+cypress and juniper, the present rugged and broken ascent from the
+land side being first converted into a beautiful slope, which might be
+easily effected by blowing up a part of the rock with gunpowder,
+laying on a quantity of fine mould, and covering the whole with an
+elegant stratum of turf.
+
+Squire Headlong caught with avidity at this suggestion; and, as he had
+always a store of gunpowder in the house, for the accommodation of
+himself and his shooting visitors, and for the supply of a small
+battery of cannon, which he kept for his private amusement, he
+insisted on commencing operations immediately. Accordingly, he bounded
+back to the house, and very speedily returned, accompanied by the
+little butler, and half a dozen servants and labourers, with pickaxes
+and gunpowder, a hanging stove and a poker, together with a basket of
+cold meat and two or three bottles of Madeira: for the Squire thought,
+with many others, that a copious supply of provision is a very
+necessary ingredient in all rural amusements.
+
+Mr Milestone superintended the proceedings. The rock was excavated,
+the powder introduced, the apertures strongly blockaded with fragments
+of stone: a long train was laid to a spot which Mr Milestone fixed on
+as sufficiently remote from the possibility of harm: the Squire seized
+the poker, and, after flourishing it in the air with a degree of
+dexterity which induced the rest of the party to leave him in solitary
+possession of an extensive circumference, applied the end of it to the
+train; and the rapidly communicated ignition ran hissing along the
+surface of the soil.
+
+At this critical moment, Mr Cranium and Mr Panscope appeared at the
+top of the tower, which, unseeing and unseen, they had ascended on the
+opposite side to that where the Squire and Mr Milestone were
+conducting their operations. Their sudden appearance a little dismayed
+the Squire, who, however, comforted himself with the reflection, that
+the tower was perfectly safe, or at least was intended to be so, and
+that his friends were in no probable danger but of a knock on the head
+from a flying fragment of stone.
+
+The succession of these thoughts in the mind of the Squire was
+commensurate in rapidity to the progress of the ignition, which having
+reached its extremity, the explosion took place, and the shattered
+rock was hurled into the air in the midst of fire and smoke.
+
+Mr Milestone had properly calculated the force of the explosion; for
+the tower remained untouched: but the Squire, in his consolatory
+reflections, had omitted the consideration of the influence of sudden
+fear, which had so violent an effect on Mr Cranium, who was just
+commencing a speech concerning the very fine prospect from the top of
+the tower, that, cutting short the thread of his observations, he
+bounded, under the elastic influence of terror, several feet into the
+air. His ascent being unluckily a little out of the perpendicular, he
+descended with a proportionate curve from the apex of his projection,
+and alighted not on the wall of the tower, but in an ivy-bush by its
+side, which, giving way beneath him, transferred him to a tuft of
+hazel at its base, which, after upholding him an instant, consigned
+him to the boughs of an ash that had rooted itself in a fissure about
+half way down the rock, which finally transmitted him to the waters
+below.
+
+Squire Headlong anxiously watched the tower as the smoke which at
+first enveloped it rolled away; but when this shadowy curtain was
+withdrawn, and Mr Panscope was discovered, _solus_, in a tragical
+attitude, his apprehensions became boundless, and he concluded that
+the unlucky collision of a flying fragment of rock had indeed
+emancipated the spirit of the craniologist from its terrestrial
+bondage.
+
+Mr Escot had considerably outstripped his companions, and arrived at
+the scene of the disaster just as Mr Cranium, being utterly destitute
+of natatorial skill, was in imminent danger of final submersion. The
+deteriorationist, who had cultivated this valuable art with great
+success, immediately plunged in to his assistance, and brought him
+alive and in safety to a shelving part of the shore. Their landing was
+hailed with a view-holla from the delighted Squire, who, shaking them
+both heartily by the hand, and making ten thousand lame apologies to
+Mr Cranium, concluded by asking, in a pathetic tone, _How much water
+he had swallowed?_ and without waiting for his answer, filled a large
+tumbler with Madeira, and insisted on his tossing it off, which was no
+sooner said than done. Mr Jenkison and Mr Foster now made their
+appearance. Mr Panscope descended the tower, which he vowed never
+again to approach within a quarter of a mile. The tumbler of Madeira
+was replenished, and handed round to recruit the spirits of the party,
+which now began to move towards Headlong Hall, the Squire capering for
+joy in the van, and the little fat butler waddling in the rear.
+
+The Squire took care that Mr Cranium should be seated next to him at
+dinner, and plied him so hard with Madeira to prevent him, as he said,
+from taking cold, that long before the ladies sent in their summons to
+coffee, every organ in his brain was in a complete state of
+revolution, and the Squire was under the necessity of ringing for
+three or four servants to carry him to bed, observing, with a smile of
+great satisfaction, that he was in a very excellent way for escaping
+any ill consequences that might have resulted from his accident.
+
+The beautiful Cephalis, being thus freed from his _surveillance_, was
+enabled, during the course of the evening, to develop to his preserver
+the full extent of her gratitude.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX
+    The Sexton
+
+
+Mr Escot passed a sleepless night, the ordinary effect of love,
+according to some amatory poets, who seem to have composed their
+whining ditties for the benevolent purpose of bestowing on others that
+gentle slumber of which they so pathetically lament the privation. The
+deteriorationist entered into a profound moral soliloquy, in which he
+first examined _whether a philosopher ought to be in love?_ Having
+decided this point affirmatively against Plato and Lucretius, he next
+examined, _whether that passion ought to have the effect of keeping a
+philosopher awake?_ Having decided this negatively, he resolved to go
+to sleep immediately: not being able to accomplish this to his
+satisfaction, he tossed and tumbled, like Achilles or Orlando, first
+on one side, then on the other; repeated to himself several hundred
+lines of poetry; counted a thousand; began again, and counted another
+thousand: in vain: the beautiful Cephalis was the predominant image in
+all his soliloquies, in all his repetitions: even in the numerical
+process from which he sought relief, he did but associate the idea of
+number with that of his dear tormentor, till she appeared to his
+mind's eye in a thousand similitudes, distinct, not different. These
+thousand images, indeed, were but one; and yet the one was a thousand,
+a sort of uni-multiplex phantasma, which will be very intelligible to
+some understandings.
+
+He arose with the first peep of day, and sallied forth to enjoy the
+balmy breeze of morning, which any but a lover might have thought too
+cool; for it was an intense frost, the sun had not risen, and the wind
+was rather fresh from north-east and by north. But a lover, who, like
+Ladurlad in the Curse of Kehama, always has, or at least is supposed
+to have, "a fire in his heart and a fire in his brain," feels a wintry
+breeze from N.E. and by N. steal over his cheek like the south over a
+bank of violets; therefore, on walked the philosopher, with his coat
+unbuttoned and his hat in his hand, careless of whither he went, till
+he found himself near the enclosure of a little mountain chapel.
+Passing through the wicket, and stepping over two or three graves, he
+stood on a rustic tombstone, and peeped through the chapel window,
+examining the interior with as much curiosity as if he had "forgotten
+what the inside of a church was made of," which, it is rather to be
+feared, was the case. Before him and beneath him were the font, the
+altar, and the grave; which gave rise to a train of moral reflections
+on the three great epochs in the course of the _featherless
+biped_,--birth, marriage, and death. The middle stage of the process
+arrested his attention; and his imagination placed before him several
+figures, which he thought, with the addition of his own, would make a
+very picturesque group; the beautiful Cephalis, "arrayed in her bridal
+apparel of white;" her friend Caprioletta officiating as bridemaid; Mr
+Cranium giving her away; and, last, not least, the Reverend Doctor
+Gaster, intoning the marriage ceremony with the regular orthodox
+allowance of nasal recitative. Whilst he was feasting his eyes on this
+imaginary picture, the demon of mistrust insinuated himself into the
+storehouse of his conceptions, and, removing his figure from the
+group, substituted that of Mr Panscope, which gave such a violent
+shock to his feelings, that he suddenly exclaimed, with an
+extraordinary elevation of voice, _Oimoi kakodaimon, kai tris
+kakodaimon, kai tetrakis, kai pentakis, kai dodekakis, kai
+muriakis!_[9.1] to the great terror of the sexton, who was just
+entering the churchyard, and, not knowing from whence the voice
+proceeded, _pensa que fut un diableteau_. The sight of the philosopher
+dispelled his apprehensions, when, growing suddenly valiant, he
+immediately addressed him:--
+
+"Cot pless your honour, I should n't have thought of meeting any pody
+here at this time of the morning, except, look you, it was the
+tevil--who, to pe sure, toes not often come upon consecrated
+cround--put for all that, I think I have seen him now and then, in
+former tays, when old Nanny Llwyd of Llyn-isa was living--Cot teliver
+us! a terriple old witch to pe sure she was--I tid n't much like
+tigging her crave--put I prought two cocks with me--the tevil hates
+cocks--and tied them py the leg on two tombstones--and I tug, and the
+cocks crowed, and the tevil kept at a tistance. To pe sure now, if I
+had n't peen very prave py nature--as I ought to pe truly--for my
+father was Owen Ap-Llwyd Ap-Gryffydd Ap-Shenkin Ap-Williams Ap-Thomas
+Ap-Morgan Ap-Parry Ap-Evan Ap-Rhys, a coot preacher and a lover of
+_cwrw_[9.2]--I should have thought just now pefore I saw your honour,
+that the foice I heard was the tevil's calling Nanny Llwyd--Cot pless
+us! to pe sure she should have been puried in the middle of the river,
+where the tevil can't come, as your honour fery well knows."
+
+"I am perfectly aware of it," said Mr Escot.
+
+"True, true," continued the sexton; "put to pe sure, Owen Thomas of
+Morfa-Bach will have it that one summer evening--when he went over to
+Cwm Cynfael in Meirionnydd, apout some cattles he wanted to puy--he
+saw a strange figure--pless us!--with five horns!--Cot save us!
+sitting on Hugh Llwyd's pulpit, which, your honour fery well knows, is
+a pig rock in the middle of the river----"
+
+"Of course he was mistaken," said Mr Escot.
+
+"To pe sure he was," said the sexton. "For there is no toubt put the
+tevil, when Owen Thomas saw him, must have peen sitting on a piece of
+rock in a straight line from him on the other side of the river, where
+he used to sit, look you, for a whole summer's tay, while Hugh Llwyd
+was on his pulpit, and there they used to talk across the water! for
+Hugh Llwyd, please your honour, never raised the tevil except when he
+was safe in the middle of the river, which proves that Owen Thomas, in
+his fright, did n't pay proper attention to the exact spot where the
+tevil was."
+
+The sexton concluded his speech with an approving smile at his own
+sagacity, in so luminously expounding the nature of Owen Thomas's
+mistake.
+
+"I perceive," said Mr Escot, "you have a very deep insight into
+things, and can, therefore, perhaps, facilitate the resolution of a
+question, concerning which, though I have little doubt on the subject,
+I am desirous of obtaining the most extensive and accurate
+information."
+
+The sexton scratched his head, the language of Mr Escot not being to
+his apprehension quite so luminous as his own.
+
+"You have been sexton here," continued Mr Escot, in the language of
+Hamlet, "man and boy, forty years."
+
+The sexton turned pale. The period Mr Escot named was so nearly the
+true one, that he began to suspect the personage before him of being
+rather too familiar with Hugh Llwyd's sable visitor. Recovering
+himself a little, he said, "Why, thereapouts, sure enough."
+
+"During this period, you have of course dug up many bones of the
+people of ancient times."
+
+"Pones! Cot pless you, yes! pones as old as the 'orlt."
+
+"Perhaps you can show me a few."
+
+The sexton grinned horribly a ghastly smile. "Will you take your Pible
+oath you ton't want them to raise the tevil with?"
+
+"Willingly," said Mr Escot, smiling; "I have an abstruse reason for
+the inquiry."
+
+"Why, if you have an _obtuse_ reason," said the sexton, who thought
+this a good opportunity to show that he could pronounce hard words as
+well as other people; "if you have an _obtuse_ reason, that alters the
+case."
+
+So saying he led the way to the bone-house, from which he began to
+throw out various bones and skulls of more than common dimensions, and
+amongst them a skull of very extraordinary magnitude, which he swore
+by St David was the skull of Cadwallader.
+
+"How do you know this to be his skull?" said Mr Escot.
+
+"He was the piggest man that ever lived, and he was puried here; and
+this is the piggest skull I ever found: you see now----"
+
+"Nothing can be more logical," said Mr Escot. "My good friend will you
+allow me to take this skull away with me?"
+
+"St Winifred pless us!" exclaimed the sexton, "would you have me
+haunted py his chost for taking his plessed pones out of consecrated
+cround? Would you have him come in the tead of the night, and fly away
+with the roof of my house? Would you have all the crop of my carden
+come to nothing? for, look you, his epitaph says,
+
+    "He that my pones shall ill pestow,
+    Leek in his cround shall never crow."
+
+"You will ill bestow them," said Mr Escot, "in confounding them with
+those of the sons of little men, the degenerate dwarfs of later
+generations; you will well bestow them in giving them to me: for I
+will have this illustrious skull bound with a silver rim, and filled
+with mantling wine, with this inscription, NUNC TANDEM: signifying
+that that pernicious liquor has at length found its proper receptacle;
+for, when the wine is in, the brain is out."
+
+Saying these words, he put a dollar into the hands of the sexton, who
+instantly stood spellbound by the talismanic influence of the coin,
+while Mr Escot walked off in triumph with the skull of Cadwallader.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X
+    The Skull
+
+
+When Mr Escot entered the breakfast-room he found the majority of the
+party assembled, and the little butler very active at his station.
+Several of the ladies shrieked at the sight of the skull; and Miss
+Tenorina, starting up in great haste and terror, caused the subversion
+of a cup of chocolate, which a servant was handing to the Reverend
+Doctor Gaster, into the nape of the neck of Sir Patrick O'Prism. Sir
+Patrick, rising impetuously, _to clap an extinguisher_, as he
+expressed himself, _on the farthing rushlight of the rascal's life_,
+pushed over the chair of Marmaduke Milestone, Esquire, who, catching
+for support at the first thing that came in his way, which happened
+unluckily to be the corner of the table-cloth, drew it instantaneously
+with him to the floor, involving plates, cups and saucers, in one
+promiscuous ruin. But, as the principal _materiel_ of the breakfast
+apparatus was on the little butler's side-table, the confusion
+occasioned by this accident was happily greater than the damage. Miss
+Tenorina was so agitated that she was obliged to retire: Miss Graziosa
+accompanied her through pure sisterly affection and sympathy, not
+without a lingering look at Sir Patrick, who likewise retired to
+change his coat, but was very expeditious in returning to resume his
+attack on the cold partridge. The broken cups were cleared away, the
+cloth relaid, and the array of the table restored with wonderful
+celerity.
+
+Mr Escot was a little surprised at the scene of confusion which
+signalised his entrance; but, perfectly unconscious that it originated
+with the skull of Cadwallader, he advanced to seat himself at the
+table by the side of the beautiful Cephalis, first placing the skull
+in a corner, out of the reach of Mr Cranium, who sate eyeing it with
+lively curiosity, and after several efforts to restrain his
+impatience, exclaimed, "You seem to have found a rarity."
+
+"A rarity indeed," said Mr Escot, cracking an egg as he spoke; "no
+less than the genuine and indubitable skull of Cadwallader."
+
+"The skull of Cadwallader!" vociferated Mr Cranium; "O treasure of
+treasures!"
+
+Mr Escot then detailed by what means he had become possessed of it,
+which gave birth to various remarks from the other individuals of the
+party: after which, rising from table, and taking the skull again in
+his hand,
+
+"This skull," said he, "is the skull of a hero, _palai
+katatethneiotos_[10.1], and sufficiently demonstrates a point,
+concerning which I never myself entertained a doubt, that the human
+race is undergoing a gradual process of diminution, in length,
+breadth, and thickness. Observe this skull. Even the skull of our
+reverend friend, which is the largest and thickest in the company, is
+not more than half its size. The frame this skull belonged to could
+scarcely have been less than nine feet high. Such is the lamentable
+progress of degeneracy and decay. In the course of ages, a boot of the
+present generation would form an ample chateau for a large family of
+our remote posterity. The mind, too, participates in the contraction
+of the body. Poets and philosophers of all ages and nations have
+lamented this too visible process of physical and moral deterioration.
+'The sons of little men', says Ossian. '_Oioi nun brotoi eisin_,' says
+Homer: 'such men as live in these degenerate days.' 'All things,' says
+Virgil, 'have a retrocessive tendency, and grow worse and worse by the
+inevitable doom of fate.'[10.2] 'We live in the ninth age,' says
+Juvenal, 'an age worse than the age of iron; nature has no
+metal sufficiently pernicious to give a denomination to its
+wickedness.'[10.3] 'Our fathers,' says Horace, 'worse than our
+grandfathers, have given birth to us, their more vicious progeny,
+who, in our turn, shall become the parents of a still viler
+generation.'[10.4] You all know the fable of the buried Pict, who bit
+off the end of a pickaxe, with which sacrilegious hands were breaking
+open his grave, and called out with a voice like subterranean thunder,
+_I perceive the degeneracy of your race by the smallness of your
+little finger!_ videlicet, the pickaxe. This, to be sure, is a
+fiction; but it shows the prevalent opinion, the feeling, the
+conviction, of absolute, universal, irremediable deterioration."
+
+"I should be sorry," said Mr Foster, "that such an opinion should
+become universal, independently of my conviction of its fallacy. Its
+general admission would tend, in a great measure, to produce the very
+evils it appears to lament. What could be its effect, but to check the
+ardour of investigation, to extinguish the zeal of philanthropy, to
+freeze the current of enterprising hope, to bury in the torpor of
+scepticism and in the stagnation of despair, every better faculty of
+the human mind, which will necessarily become retrograde in ceasing to
+be progressive?"
+
+"I am inclined to think, on the contrary," said Mr Escot, "that the
+deterioration of man is accelerated by his blindness--in many respects
+wilful blindness--to the truth of the fact itself, and to the causes
+which produce it; that there is no hope whatever of ameliorating his
+condition but in a total and radical change of the whole scheme of
+human life, and that the advocates of his indefinite perfectibility
+are in reality the greatest enemies to the practical possibility of
+their own system, by so strenuously labouring to impress on his
+attention that he is going on in a good way, while he is really in a
+deplorably bad one."
+
+"I admit," said Mr Foster, "there are many things that may, and
+therefore will, be changed for the better."
+
+"Not on the present system," said Mr Escot, "in which every change is
+for the worse."
+
+"In matters of taste I am sure it is," said Mr Gall: "there is, in
+fact, no such thing as good taste left in the world."
+
+"Oh, Mr Gall!" said Miss Philomela Poppyseed, "I thought my novel----"
+
+"My paintings," said Sir Patrick O'Prism----
+
+"My ode," said Mr Mac Laurel----
+
+"My ballad," said Mr Nightshade----
+
+"My plan for Lord Littlebrain's park," said Marmaduke Milestone,
+Esquire----
+
+"My essay," said Mr Treacle----
+
+"My sonata," said Mr Chromatic----
+
+"My claret," said Squire Headlong----
+
+"My lectures," said Mr Cranium----
+
+"Vanity of vanities," said the Reverend Doctor Gaster, turning down an
+empty egg-shell; "all is vanity and vexation of spirit."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XI
+    The Anniversary
+
+
+Among the _dies alba creta notandos_, which the beau monde of the
+Cambrian mountains was in the habit of remembering with the greatest
+pleasure, and anticipating with the most lively satisfaction, was the
+Christmas ball which the ancient family of the Headlongs had been
+accustomed to give from time immemorial. Tradition attributed the
+honour of its foundation to Headlong Ap-Headlong Ap-Breakneck
+Ap-Headlong Ap-Cataract Ap-Pistyll Ap-Rhaidr[11.1] Ap-Headlong, who
+lived about the time of the Trojan war. Certain it is, at least, that
+a grand chorus was always sung after supper in honour of this
+illustrious ancestor of the squire. This ball was, indeed, an aera in
+the lives of all the beauty and fashion of Caernarvon, Meirionnydd,
+and Anglesea, and, like the Greek Olympiads and the Roman consulates,
+served as the main pillar of memory, round which all the events of the
+year were suspended and entwined. Thus, in recalling to mind any
+circumstance imperfectly recollected, the principal point to be
+ascertained was, whether it had occurred in the year of the first,
+second, third, or fourth ball of Headlong Ap-Breakneck, or Headlong
+Ap-Torrent, or Headlong Ap-Hurricane; and, this being satisfactorily
+established, the remainder followed of course in the natural order of
+its ancient association.
+
+This eventful anniversary being arrived, every chariot, coach,
+barouche and barouchette, landau and landaulet, chaise, curricle,
+buggy, whiskey, and tilbury, of the three counties, was in motion: not
+a horse was left idle within five miles of any gentleman's seat, from
+the high-mettled hunter to the heath-cropping galloway. The ferrymen
+of the Menai were at their stations before daybreak, taking a double
+allowance of rum and _cwrw_ to strengthen them for the fatigues of the
+day. The ivied towers of Caernarvon, the romantic woods of
+Tan-y-bwlch, the heathy hills of Kernioggau, the sandy shores of
+Tremadoc, the mountain recesses of Bedd-Gelert, and the lonely lakes
+of Capel-Cerig, re-echoed to the voices of the delighted ostlers and
+postillions, who reaped on this happy day their wintry harvest.
+Landlords and landladies, waiters, chambermaids, and toll-gate
+keepers, roused themselves from the torpidity which the last solitary
+tourist, flying with the yellow leaves on the wings of the autumnal
+wind, had left them to enjoy till the returning spring: the bustle of
+August was renewed on all the mountain roads, and, in the meanwhile,
+Squire Headlong and his little fat butler carried most energetically
+into effect the lessons of the _savant_ in the Court of
+Quintessence, _qui par engin mirificque jectoit les maisons par les
+fenestres_[11.2].
+
+It was the custom for the guests to assemble at dinner on the day of
+the ball, and depart on the following morning after breakfast. Sleep
+during this interval was out of the question: the ancient harp of
+Cambria suspended the celebration of the noble race of Shenkin, and
+the songs of Hoel and Cyveilioc, to ring to the profaner but more
+lively modulation of _Voulez vous danser, Mademoiselle?_ in
+conjunction with the symphonious scraping of fiddles, the tinkling of
+triangles, and the beating of tambourines. Comus and Momus were the
+deities of the night; and Bacchus of course was not forgotten by the
+male part of the assembly (with them, indeed, a ball was invariably a
+scene of "_tipsy dance and jollity_"): the servants flew about with
+wine and negus, and the little butler was indefatigable with his
+corkscrew, which is reported on one occasion to have grown so hot
+under the influence of perpetual friction that it actually set fire to
+the cork.
+
+The company assembled. The dinner, which on this occasion was a
+secondary object, was despatched with uncommon celerity. When the
+cloth was removed, and the bottle had taken its first round, Mr
+Cranium stood up and addressed the company.
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen," said he, "the golden key of mental
+phaenomena, which has lain buried for ages in the deepest vein of the
+mine of physiological research, is now, by a happy combination of
+practical and speculative investigations, grasped, if I may so
+express myself, firmly and inexcusably, in the hands of
+physiognomical empiricism." The Cambrian visitors listened with
+profound attention, not comprehending a single syllable he said, but
+concluding he would finish his speech by proposing the health of
+Squire Headlong. The gentlemen accordingly tossed off their heeltaps,
+and Mr Cranium proceeded: "Ardently desirous, to the extent of my
+feeble capacity, of disseminating as much as possible, the
+inexhaustible treasures to which this golden key admits the humblest
+votary of philosophical truth, I invite you, when you have
+sufficiently restored, replenished, refreshed, and exhilarated that
+osteosarchaematosplanchnochondroneuromuelous, or to employ a more
+intelligible term, osseocarnisanguineoviscericartilaginonervomedullary,
+_compages_, or shell, the body, which at once envelopes and developes
+that mysterious and inestimable kernel, the desiderative,
+determinative, ratiocinative, imaginative, inquisitive, appetitive,
+comparative, reminiscent, congeries of ideas and notions, simple and
+compound, comprised in the comprehensive denomination of mind,
+to take a peep with me into the mechanical arcana of the
+anatomico-metaphysical universe. Being not in the least dubitative of
+your spontaneous compliance, I proceed," added he, suddenly changing
+his tone, "to get everything ready in the library." Saying these
+words, he vanished.
+
+The Welsh squires now imagined they had caught a glimpse of his
+meaning, and set him down in their minds for a sort of gentleman
+conjuror, who intended to amuse them before the ball with some tricks
+of legerdemain. Under this impression, they became very impatient to
+follow him, as they had made up their minds not to be drunk before
+supper. The ladies, too, were extremely curious to witness an
+exhibition which had been announced in so singular a preamble; and the
+squire, having previously insisted on every gentleman tossing off a
+half-pint bumper, adjourned the whole party to the library, where they
+were not a little surprised to discover Mr Cranium seated, in a
+pensive attitude, at a large table, decorated with a copious variety
+of skulls.
+
+Some of the ladies were so much shocked at this extraordinary display,
+that a scene of great confusion ensued. Fans were very actively
+exercised, and water was strenuously called for by some of the most
+officious of the gentlemen; on which the little butler entered with a
+large allowance of liquid, which bore, indeed, the name of _water_,
+but was in reality a very powerful spirit. This was the only species
+of water which the little butler had ever heard called for in Headlong
+Hall. The mistake was not attended with any evil effects: for the
+fluid was no sooner applied to the lips of the fainting fair ones,
+than it resuscitated them with an expedition truly miraculous.
+
+Order was at length restored; the audience took their seats, and the
+craniological orator held forth in the following terms:
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XII
+    The Lecture
+
+
+"Physiologists have been much puzzled to account for the varieties of
+moral character in men, as well as for the remarkable similarity of
+habit and disposition in all the individual animals of every other
+respective species. A few brief sentences, perspicuously worded, and
+scientifically arranged, will enumerate all the characteristics of a
+lion, or a tiger, or a wolf, or a bear, or a squirrel, or a goat, or a
+horse, or an ass, or a rat, or a cat, or a hog, or a dog; and whatever
+is physiologically predicted of any individual lion, tiger, wolf,
+bear, squirrel, goat, horse, ass, hog, or dog, will be found to hold
+true of all lions, tigers, wolves, bears, squirrels, goats, horses,
+asses, hogs, and dogs, whatsoever. Now, in man, the very reverse of
+this appears to be the case; for he has so few distinct and
+characteristic marks which hold true of all his species, that
+philosophers in all ages have found it a task of infinite difficulty
+to give him a definition. Hence one has defined him to be a
+_featherless biped_, a definition which is equally applicable to an
+unfledged fowl: another to be _an animal which forms opinions_, than
+which nothing can be more inaccurate, for a very small number of the
+species form opinions, and the remainder take them upon trust, without
+investigation or inquiry.
+
+"Again, man has been defined to be _an animal that carries a stick_:
+an attribute which undoubtedly belongs to man only, but not to all men
+always; though it uniformly characterises some of the graver and more
+imposing varieties, such as physicians, oran-outangs, and lords in
+waiting.
+
+"We cannot define man to be a reasoning animal, for we do not dispute
+that idiots are men; to say nothing of that very numerous description
+of persons who consider themselves reasoning animals, and are so
+denominated by the ironical courtesy of the world, who labour,
+nevertheless, under a very gross delusion in that essential
+particular.
+
+"It appears to me that man may be correctly defined an animal, which,
+without any peculiar or distinguishing faculty of its own, is, as it
+were, a bundle or compound of faculties of other animals, by a
+distinct enumeration of which any individual of the species may be
+satisfactorily described. This is manifest, even in the ordinary
+language of conversation, when, in summing up, for example, the
+qualities of an accomplished courtier, we say he has the vanity of a
+peacock, the cunning of a fox, the treachery of an hyaena, the
+cold-heartedness of a cat, and the servility of a jackal. That this is
+perfectly consentaneous to scientific truth, will appear in the
+further progress of these observations.
+
+"Every particular faculty of the mind has its corresponding organ in
+the brain. In proportion as any particular faculty or propensity
+acquires paramount activity in any individual, these organs develope
+themselves, and their development becomes externally obvious by
+corresponding lumps and bumps, exuberances and protuberances, on the
+osseous compages of the occiput and sinciput. In all animals but man,
+the same organ is equally developed in every individual of the
+species: for instance, that of migration in the swallow, that of
+destruction in the tiger, that of architecture in the beaver, and that
+of parental affection in the bear. The human brain, however, consists,
+as I have said, of a bundle or compound of all the faculties of all
+other animals; and from the greater development of one or more of
+these, in the infinite varieties of combination, result all the
+peculiarities of individual character.
+
+"Here is the skull of a beaver, and that of Sir Christopher Wren. You
+observe, in both these specimens, the prodigious development of the
+organ of constructiveness.
+
+"Here is the skull of a bullfinch, and that of an eminent fiddler. You
+may compare the organ of music.
+
+"Here is the skull of a tiger. You observe the organ of carnage. Here
+is the skull of a fox. You observe the organ of plunder. Here is the
+skull of a peacock. You observe the organ of vanity. Here is the skull
+of an illustrious robber, who, after a long and triumphant process of
+depredation and murder, was suddenly checked in his career by means of
+a certain quality inherent in preparations of hemp, which, for the
+sake of perspicuity, I shall call _suspensiveness_. Here is the skull
+of a conqueror, who, after over-running several kingdoms, burning a
+number of cities, and causing the deaths of two or three millions of
+men, women, and children, was entombed with all the pageantry of
+public lamentation, and figured as the hero of several thousand odes
+and a round dozen of epics; while the poor highwayman was twice
+executed--
+
+    'At the gallows first, and after in a ballad,
+    Sung to a villainous tune.'
+
+"You observe, in both these skulls, the combined development of the
+organs of carnage, plunder, and vanity, which I have separately
+pointed out in the tiger, the fox, and the peacock. The greater
+enlargement of the organ of vanity in the hero is the only criterion
+by which I can distinguish them from each other. Born with the same
+faculties, and the same propensities, these two men were formed by
+nature to run the same career: the different combinations of external
+circumstances decided the differences of their destinies.
+
+"Here is the skull of a Newfoundland dog. You observe the organ of
+benevolence, and that of attachment. Here is a human skull, in which
+you may observe a very striking negation of both these organs; and an
+equally striking development of those of destruction, cunning,
+avarice, and self-love. This was one of the most illustrious statesmen
+that ever flourished in the page of history.
+
+"Here is the skull of a turnspit, which, after a wretched life of
+_dirty work_, was turned out of doors to die on a dunghill. I have
+been induced to preserve it, in consequence of its remarkable
+similarity to this, which belonged to a courtly poet, who having grown
+grey in flattering the great, was cast off in the same manner to
+perish by the same catastrophe."
+
+_After these, and several other illustrations, during which the skulls
+were handed round for the inspection of the company, Mr Cranium
+proceeded thus:--_
+
+"It is obvious, from what I have said, that no man can hope for
+worldly honour or advancement, who is not placed in such a relation to
+external circumstances as may be consentaneous to his peculiar
+cerebral organs; and I would advise every parent, who has the welfare
+of his son at heart, to procure as extensive a collection as possible
+of the skulls of animals, and, before determining on the choice of a
+profession, to compare with the utmost nicety their bumps and
+protuberances with those of the skull of his son. If the development
+of the organ of destruction point out a similarity between the youth
+and the tiger, let him be brought to some profession (whether that of
+a butcher, a soldier, or a physician, may be regulated by
+circumstances) in which he may be furnished with a licence to kill:
+as, without such licence, the indulgence of his natural propensity may
+lead to the untimely rescission of his vital thread, 'with edge of
+penny cord and vile reproach.' If he show an analogy with the jackal,
+let all possible influence be used to procure him a place at court,
+where he will infallibly thrive. If his skull bear a marked
+resemblance to that of a magpie, it cannot be doubted that he will
+prove an admirable lawyer; and if with this advantageous conformation
+be combined any similitude to that of an owl, very confident hopes may
+be formed of his becoming a judge."
+
+A furious flourish of music was now heard from the ball-room, the
+squire having secretly dispatched the little butler to order it to
+strike up, by way of a hint to Mr Cranium to finish his harangue. The
+company took the hint and adjourned tumultuously, having just
+understood as much of the lecture as furnished them with amusement for
+the ensuing twelvemonth, in feeling the skulls of all their
+acquaintance.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIII
+    The Ball
+
+
+The ball-room was adorned with great taste and elegance, under the
+direction of Miss Caprioletta and her friend Miss Cephalis, who were
+themselves its most beautiful ornaments, even though romantic Meirion,
+the pre-eminent in loveliness, sent many of its loveliest daughters to
+grace the festive scene. Numberless were the solicitations of the
+dazzled swains of Cambria for the honour of the two first dances with
+the one or the other of these fascinating friends; but little availed,
+on this occasion, the pedigree lineally traced from Caractacus or King
+Arthur; their two philosophical lovers, neither of whom could have
+given the least account of his great-great-grandfather, had engaged
+them many days before. Mr Panscope chafed and fretted like Llugwy in
+his bed of rocks, when the object of his adoration stood up with his
+rival: but he consoled himself with a lively damsel from the vale of
+Edeirnion, having first compelled Miss Cephalis to promise him her
+hand for the fourth set.
+
+The ball was accordingly opened by Miss Caprioletta and Mr Foster,
+which gave rise to much speculation among the Welsh gentry, as to who
+this Mr Foster could be; some of the more learned among them secretly
+resolving to investigate most profoundly the antiquity of the name of
+Foster, and ascertain what right a person so denominated could have to
+open the most illustrious of all possible balls with the lovely
+Caprioletta Headlong, the only sister of Harry Headlong, Esquire, of
+Headlong Hall, in the Vale of Llanberris, the only surviving male
+representative of the antediluvian family of Headlong Ap-Rhaiader.
+
+When the first two dances were ended, Mr Escot, who did not choose to
+dance with any one but his adorable Cephalis, looking round for a
+convenient seat, discovered Mr Jenkison in a corner by the side of the
+Reverend Doctor Gaster, who was keeping excellent time with his nose
+to the lively melody of the harp and fiddle. Mr Escot seated himself
+by the side of Mr Jenkison, and inquired if he took no part in the
+amusement of the night?
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+No. The universal cheerfulness of the company induces me to rise; the
+trouble of such violent exercise induces me to sit still. Did I see a
+young lady in want of a partner, gallantry would incite me to offer
+myself as her devoted knight for half an hour: but, as I perceive
+there are enough without me, that motive is null. I have been weighing
+these points _pro_ and _con_, and remain _in statu quo_.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I have danced, contrary to my system, as I have done many other things
+since I have been here, from a motive that you will easily guess. (_Mr
+Jenkison smiled._) I have great objections to dancing. The wild and
+original man is a calm and contemplative animal. The stings of natural
+appetite alone rouse him to action. He satisfies his hunger with roots
+and fruits, unvitiated by the malignant adhibition of fire, and all
+its diabolical processes of elixion and assation; he slakes his thirst
+in the mountain-stream, _summisgetai tae epituchousae_, and returns to
+his peaceful state of meditative repose.
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+Like the metaphysical statue of Condillac.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+With all its senses and purely natural faculties developed, certainly.
+Imagine this tranquil and passionless being, occupied in his first
+meditation on the simple question of _Where am I? Whence do I come?
+And what is the end of my existence?_ Then suddenly place before him a
+chandelier, a fiddler, and a magnificent beau in silk stockings and
+pumps, bounding, skipping, swinging, capering, and throwing himself
+into ten thousand attitudes, till his face glows with fever, and
+distils with perspiration: the first impulse excited in his mind by
+such an apparition will be that of violent fear, which, by the
+reiterated perception of its harmlessness, will subside into simple
+astonishment. Then let any genius, sufficiently powerful to impress on
+his mind all the terms of the communication, impart to him, that after
+a long process of ages, when his race shall have attained what some
+people think proper to denominate a very advanced stage of
+perfectibility, the most favoured and distinguished of the community
+shall meet by hundreds, to grin, and labour, and gesticulate, like the
+phantasma before him, from sunset to sunrise, while all nature is at
+rest, and that they shall consider this a happy and pleasurable mode
+of existence, and furnishing the most delightful of all possible
+contrasts to what they will call his vegetative state: would he not
+groan from his inmost soul for the lamentable condition of his
+posterity?
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+I know not what your wild and original man might think of the matter
+in the abstract; but comparatively, I conceive, he would be better
+pleased with the vision of such a scene as this, than with that of a
+party of Indians (who would have all the advantage of being nearly as
+wild as himself), dancing their infernal war-dance round a midnight
+fire in a North American forest.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Not if you should impart to him the true nature of both, by laying
+open to his view the springs of action in both parties.
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+To do this with effect, you must make him a profound metaphysician,
+and thus transfer him at once from his wild and original state to a
+very advanced stage of intellectual progression; whether that
+progression be towards good or evil, I leave you and our friend Foster
+to settle between you.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I wish to make no change in his habits and feelings, but to give him,
+hypothetically, so much mental illumination, as will enable him to
+take a clear view of two distinct stages of the deterioration of his
+posterity, that he may be enabled to compare them with each other, and
+with his own more happy condition. The Indian, dancing round the
+midnight fire, is very far deteriorated; but the magnificent beau,
+dancing to the light of chandeliers, is infinitely more so. The Indian
+is a hunter: he makes great use of fire, and subsists almost entirely
+on animal food. The malevolent passions that spring from these
+pernicious habits involve him in perpetual war. He is, therefore,
+necessitated, for his own preservation, to keep all the energies of
+his nature in constant activity: to this end his midnight war-dance is
+very powerfully subservient, and, though in itself a frightful
+spectacle, is at least justifiable on the iron plea of necessity.
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+On the same iron plea, the modern system of dancing is more
+justifiable. The Indian dances to prepare himself for killing his
+enemy: but while the beaux and belles of our assemblies dance, they
+are in the very act of killing theirs--TIME!--a more inveterate and
+formidable foe than any the Indian has to contend with; for, however
+completely and ingeniously killed, he is sure to rise again, "with
+twenty mortal murders on his crown," leading his army of blue devils,
+with ennui in the van, and vapours in the rear.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Your observation militates on my side of the question; and it is a
+strong argument in favour of the Indian, that he has no such enemy to
+kill.
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+There is certainly a great deal to be said against dancing: there is
+also a great deal to be said in its favour. The first side of the
+question I leave for the present to you: on the latter, I may venture
+to allege that no amusement seems more natural and more congenial to
+youth than this. It has the advantage of bringing young persons of
+both sexes together, in a manner which its publicity renders perfectly
+unexceptionable, enabling them to see and know each other better than,
+perhaps, any other mode of general association. _Tete-a-tetes_ are
+dangerous things. Small family parties are too much under mutual
+observation. A ball-room appears to me almost the only scene uniting
+that degree of rational and innocent liberty of intercourse, which it
+is desirable to promote as much as possible between young persons,
+with that scrupulous attention to the delicacy and propriety of female
+conduct, which I consider the fundamental basis of all our most
+valuable social relations.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+There would be some plausibility in your argument, if it were not the
+very essence of this species of intercourse to exhibit them to each
+other under false colours. Here all is show, and varnish, and
+hypocrisy, and coquetry; they dress up their moral character for the
+evening at the same toilet where they manufacture their shapes and
+faces. Ill-temper lies buried under a studied accumulation of smiles.
+Envy, hatred, and malice, retreat from the countenance, to entrench
+themselves more deeply in the heart. Treachery lurks under the flowers
+of courtesy. Ignorance and folly take refuge in that unmeaning gabble
+which it would be profanation to call language, and which even those
+whom long experience in "the dreary intercourse of daily life" has
+screwed up to such a pitch of stoical endurance that they can listen
+to it by the hour, have branded with the ignominious appellation of
+"_small talk_." Small indeed!--the absolute minimum of the infinitely
+little.
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+Go on. I have said all I intended to say on the favourable side. I
+shall have great pleasure in hearing you balance the argument.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+I expect you to confess that I shall have more than balanced it. A
+ball-room is an epitome of all that is most worthless and unamiable in
+the great sphere of human life. Every petty and malignant passion is
+called into play. Coquetry is perpetually on the alert to captivate,
+caprice to mortify, and vanity to take offence. One amiable female is
+rendered miserable for the evening by seeing another, whom she
+intended to outshine, in a more attractive dress than her own; while
+the other omits no method of giving stings to her triumph, which she
+enjoys with all the secret arrogance of an oriental sultana. Another
+is compelled to dance with a _monster_ she abhors. A third has set her
+heart on dancing with a particular partner, perhaps for the amiable
+motive of annoying one of her _dear friends_: not only he does not ask
+her, but she sees him dancing with that identical _dear friend_, whom
+from that moment she hates more cordially than ever. Perhaps, what is
+worse than all, she has set her heart on refusing some impertinent
+fop, who does not give her the opportunity.--As to the men, the case
+is very nearly the same with them. To be sure, they have the privilege
+of making the first advances, and are, therefore, less liable to have
+an odious partner forced upon them; though this sometimes happens, as
+I know by woeful experience: but it is seldom they can procure the
+very partner they prefer; and when they do, the absurd necessity of
+changing every two dances forces them away, and leaves them only the
+miserable alternative of taking up with something disagreeable perhaps
+in itself, and at all events rendered so by contrast, or of retreating
+into some solitary corner, to vent their spleen on the first idle
+coxcomb they can find.
+
+    _Mr Jenkison._
+I hope that is not the motive which brings you to me.
+
+    _Mr Escot._
+Clearly not. But the most afflicting consideration of all is, that
+these malignant and miserable feelings are masked under that uniform
+disguise of pretended benevolence, _that fine and delicate irony,
+called politeness, which gives so much ease and pliability to the
+mutual intercourse of civilised man, and enables him to assume the
+appearance of every virtue without the reality of one_.[13.1]
+
+The second set of dances was now terminated, and Mr Escot flew off to
+reclaim the hand of the beautiful Cephalis, with whom he figured away
+with surprising alacrity, and probably felt at least as happy among
+the chandeliers and silk stockings, at which he had just been railing,
+as he would have been in an American forest, making one in an Indian
+ring, by the light of a blazing fire, even though his hand had been
+locked in that of the most beautiful _squaw_ that ever listened to the
+roar of Niagara.
+
+Squire Headlong was now beset by his maiden aunt, Miss Brindle-mew
+Grimalkin Phoebe Tabitha Ap-Headlong, on one side, and Sir Patrick
+O'Prism on the other; the former insisting that he should immediately
+procure her a partner; the latter earnestly requesting the same
+interference in behalf of Miss Philomela Poppyseed. The squire thought
+to emancipate himself from his two petitioners by making them dance
+with each other; but Sir Patrick vehemently pleading a prior
+engagement, the squire threw his eyes around till they alighted on Mr
+Jenkison and the Reverend Doctor Gaster; both of whom, after waking
+the latter, he pressed into the service. The doctor, arising with a
+strange kind of guttural sound, which was half a yawn and half a
+groan, was handed by the officious squire to Miss Philomela, who
+received him with sullen dignity: she had not yet forgotten his
+falling asleep during the first chapter of her novel, while she was
+condescending to detail to him the outlines of four superlative
+volumes. The doctor, on his part, had most completely forgotten it;
+and though he thought there was something in her physiognomy rather
+more forbidding than usual, he gave himself no concern about the
+cause, and had not the least suspicion that it was at all connected
+with himself. Miss Brindle-mew was very well contented with Mr
+Jenkison, and gave him two or three ogles, accompanied by a most
+risible distortion of the countenance which she intended for a
+captivating smile. As to Mr Jenkison, it was all one to him with whom
+he danced, or whether he danced or not: he was therefore just as well
+pleased as if he had been left alone in his corner; which is probably
+more than could have been said of any other human being under similar
+circumstances.
+
+At the end of the third set, supper was announced; and the party,
+pairing off like turtles, adjourned to the supper-room. The squire was
+now the happiest of mortal men, and the little butler the most
+laborious. The centre of the largest table was decorated with a model
+of Snowdon, surmounted with an enormous artificial leek, the leaves of
+angelica, and the bulb of blancmange. A little way from the summit was
+a tarn, or mountain-pool, supplied through concealed tubes with an
+inexhaustible flow of milk-punch, which, dashing in cascades down the
+miniature rocks, fell into the more capacious lake below, washing the
+mimic foundations of Headlong Hall. The reverend doctor handed Miss
+Philomela to the chair most conveniently situated for enjoying this
+interesting scene, protesting he had never before been sufficiently
+impressed with the magnificence of that mountain, which he now
+perceived to be well worthy of all the fame it had obtained.
+
+"Now, when they had eaten and were satisfied," Squire Headlong called
+on Mr Chromatic for a song; who, with the assistance of his two
+accomplished daughters, regaled the ears of the company with the
+following
+
+        TERZETTO[13.2]
+
+    Grey Twilight, from her shadowy hill,
+      Discolours Nature's vernal bloom,
+    And sheds on grove, and field, and rill,
+      One placid tint of deepening gloom.
+
+    The sailor sighs 'mid shoreless seas,
+      Touched by the thought of friends afar,
+    As, fanned by ocean's flowing breeze,
+      He gazes on the western star.
+
+    The wanderer hears, in pensive dream,
+      The accents of the last farewell,
+    As, pausing by the mountain stream,
+      He listens to the evening bell.
+
+This terzetto was of course much applauded; Mr Milestone observing,
+that he thought the figure in the last verse would have been more
+picturesque, if it had been represented with its arms folded and its
+back against a tree; or leaning on its staff, with a cockle-shell in
+its hat, like a pilgrim of ancient times.
+
+Mr Chromatic professed himself astonished that a gentleman of genuine
+modern taste, like Mr Milestone, should consider the words of a song
+of any consequence whatever, seeing that they were at the best only a
+species of pegs, for the more convenient suspension of crotchets and
+quavers. This remark drew on him a very severe reprimand from Mr Mac
+Laurel, who said to him, "Dinna ye ken, sir, that soond is a thing
+utterly worthless in itsel, and only effectual in agreeable
+excitements, as far as it is an aicho to sense? Is there ony soond
+mair meeserable an' peetifu' than the scrape o' a feddle, when it does
+na touch ony chord i' the human sensorium? Is there ony mair divine
+than the deep note o' a bagpipe, when it breathes the auncient
+meelodies o' leeberty an' love? It is true, there are peculiar trains
+o' feeling an' sentiment, which parteecular combinations o' meelody
+are calculated to excite; an' sae far music can produce its effect
+without words: but it does na follow, that, when ye put words to it,
+it becomes a matter of indefference what they are; for a gude strain
+of impassioned poetry will greatly increase the effect, and a tessue
+o' nonsensical doggrel will destroy it a' thegither. Noo, as gude
+poetry can produce its effect without music, sae will gude music
+without poetry; and as gude music will be mair pooerfu' by itsel' than
+wi' bad poetry, sae will gude poetry than wi' bad music: but, when ye
+put gude music an' gude poetry thegither, ye produce the divinest
+compound o' sentimental harmony that can possibly find its way through
+the lug to the saul."
+
+Mr Chromatic admitted that there was much justice in these
+observations, but still maintained the subserviency of poetry to
+music. Mr Mac Laurel as strenuously maintained the contrary; and a
+furious war of words was proceeding to perilous lengths, when the
+squire interposed his authority towards the reproduction of peace,
+which was forthwith concluded, and all animosities drowned in a
+libation of milk-punch, the Reverend Doctor Gaster officiating as high
+priest on the occasion.
+
+Mr Chromatic now requested Miss Caprioletta to favour the company with
+an air. The young lady immediately complied, and sung the following
+simple
+
+        BALLAD
+
+    "O Mary, my sister, thy sorrow give o'er,
+    I soon shall return, girl, and leave thee no more:
+    But with children so fair, and a husband so kind,
+    I shall feel less regret when I leave thee behind.
+
+    "I have made thee a bench for the door of thy cot,
+    And more would I give thee, but more I have not:
+    Sit and think of me there, in the warm summer day,
+    And give me three kisses, my labour to pay."
+
+    She gave him three kisses, and forth did he fare.
+    And long did he wander, and no one knew where;
+    And long from her cottage, through sunshine and rain,
+    She watched his return, but he came not again.
+
+    Her children grew up, and her husband grew grey;
+    She sate on the bench through the long summer day:
+    One evening, when twilight was deep on the shore,
+    There came an old soldier, and stood by the door.
+
+    In English he spoke, and none knew what he said,
+    But her oatcake and milk on the table she spread;
+    Then he sate to his supper, and blithely he sung,
+    And she knew the dear sounds of her own native tongue:
+
+    "O rich are the feasts in the Englishman's hall,
+    And the wine sparkles bright in the goblets of Gaul:
+    But their mingled attractions I well could withstand,
+    For the milk and the oatcake of Meirion's dear land."
+
+    "And art thou a Welchman, old soldier?" she cried.
+    "Many years have I wandered," the stranger replied:
+    "'Twixt Danube and Thames many rivers there be,
+    But the bright waves of Cynfael are fairest to me.
+
+    "I felled the grey oak, ere I hastened to roam,
+    And I fashioned a bench for the door of my home;
+    And well my dear sister my labour repaid,
+    Who gave me three kisses when first it was made.
+
+    "In the old English soldier thy brother appears:
+    Here is gold in abundance, the saving of years:
+    Give me oatcake and milk in return for my store,
+    And a seat by thy side on the bench at the door."
+
+Various other songs succeeded, which, as we are not composing a song
+book, we shall lay aside for the present.
+
+An old squire, who had not missed one of these anniversaries, during
+more than half a century, now stood up, and filling a half-pint
+bumper, pronounced, with a stentorian voice--"To the immortal memory
+of Headlong Ap-Rhaiader, and to the health of his noble descendant and
+worthy representative!" This example was followed by all the gentlemen
+present. The harp struck up a triumphal strain; and, the old squire
+already mentioned, vociferating the first stave, they sang, or rather
+roared, the following
+
+        CHORUS
+
+    Hail to the Headlong! the Headlong Ap-Headlong!
+    All hail to the Headlong, the Headlong Ap-Headlong!
+        The Headlong Ap-Headlong
+        Ap-Breakneck Ap-Headlong
+    Ap-Cataract Ap-Pistyll Ap-Rhaiader Ap-Headlong!
+
+    The bright bowl we steep in the name of the Headlong:
+    Let the youths pledge it deep to the Headlong Ap-Headlong,
+        And the rosy-lipped lasses
+        Touch the brim as it passes,
+    And kiss the red tide for the Headlong Ap-Headlong!
+
+    The loud harp resounds in the hall of the Headlong:
+    The light step rebounds in the hall of the Headlong:
+        Where shall music invite us,
+        Or beauty delight us,
+    If not in the hall of the Headlong Ap-Headlong?
+
+    Huzza! to the health of the Headlong Ap-Headlong!
+    Fill the bowl, fill in floods, to the health of the Headlong!
+        Till the stream ruby-glowing,
+        On all sides o'erflowing,
+    Shall fall in cascades to the health of the Headlong!
+        The Headlong Ap-Headlong
+        Ap-Breakneck Ap-Headlong
+    Ap-Cataract Ap-Pistyll Ap-Rhaiader Ap-Headlong!
+
+Squire Headlong returned thanks with an appropriate libation, and the
+company re-adjourned to the ballroom, where they kept it up till
+sunrise, when the little butler summoned them to breakfast.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIV
+    The Proposals
+
+
+The chorus which celebrated the antiquity of her lineage, had been
+ringing all night in the ears of Miss Brindle-mew Grimalkin Phoebe
+Tabitha Ap-Headlong, when, taking the squire aside, while the visitors
+were sipping their tea and coffee, "Nephew Harry," said she, "I have
+been noting your behaviour, during the several stages of the ball and
+supper; and, though I cannot tax you with any want of gallantry, for
+you are a very gallant young man, Nephew Harry, very gallant--I wish I
+could say as much for every one" (added she, throwing a spiteful look
+towards a distant corner, where Mr Jenkison was sitting with great
+_nonchalance_, and at the moment dipping a rusk in a cup of
+chocolate); "but I lament to perceive that you were at least as
+pleased with your lakes of milk-punch, and your bottles of Champagne
+and Burgundy, as with any of your delightful partners. Now, though I
+can readily excuse this degree of incombustibility in the descendant
+of a family so remarkable in all ages for personal beauty as ours, yet
+I lament it exceedingly, when I consider that, in conjunction with
+your present predilection for the easy life of a bachelor, it may
+possibly prove the means of causing our ancient genealogical tree,
+which has its roots, if I may so speak, in the foundations of the
+world, to terminate suddenly in a point: unless you feel yourself
+moved by my exhortations to follow the example of all your ancestors,
+by choosing yourself a fitting and suitable helpmate to immortalize
+the pedigree of Headlong Ap-Rhaiader."
+
+"Egad!" said Squire Headlong, "that is very true, I'll marry directly.
+A good opportunity to fix on some one, now they are all here; and I'll
+pop the question without further ceremony."
+
+"What think you," said the old lady, "of Miss Nanny Glen-Du, the
+lineal descendant of Llewelyn Ap-Yorwerth?"
+
+"She won't do," said Squire Headlong.
+
+"What say you, then," said the lady, "to Miss Williams, of
+Pontyglasrhydyrallt, the descendant of the ancient family of----?"
+
+"I don't like her," said Squire Headlong; "and as to her ancient
+family, that is a matter of no consequence. I have antiquity enough
+for two. They are all moderns, people of yesterday, in comparison with
+us. What signify six or seven centuries, which are the most they can
+make up?"
+
+"Why, to be sure," said the aunt, "on that view of the question,
+it is no consequence. What think you, then, of Miss Owen, of
+Nidd-y-Gygfraen? She will have six thousand a year."
+
+"I would not have her," said Squire Headlong, "if she had fifty. I'll
+think of somebody presently. I should like to be married on the same
+day with Caprioletta."
+
+"Caprioletta!" said Miss Brindle-mew; "without my being consulted."
+
+"Consulted!" said the squire: "I was commissioned to tell you, but
+somehow or other I let it slip. However, she is going to be married to
+my friend Mr Foster, the philosopher."
+
+"Oh!" said the maiden aunt, "that a daughter of our ancient
+family should marry a philosopher! It is enough to make the bones of
+all the Ap-Rhaiaders turn in their graves!"
+
+"I happen to be more enlightened," said Squire Headlong, "than
+any of my ancestors were. Besides, it is Caprioletta's affair, not
+mine. I tell you, the matter is settled, fixed, determined; and so am
+I, to be married on the same day. I don't know, now I think of it,
+whom I can choose better than one of the daughters of my friend
+Chromatic."
+
+"A Saxon!" said the aunt, turning up her nose, and was commencing a
+vehement remonstrance; but the squire, exclaiming "Music has charms!"
+flew over to Mr Chromatic, and, with a hearty slap on the shoulder,
+asked him "how he should like him for a son-in-law?" Mr Chromatic,
+rubbing his shoulder, and highly delighted with the proposal,
+answered, "Very much indeed:" but, proceeding to ascertain which of
+his daughters had captivated the squire, the squire demurred, and was
+unable to satisfy his curiosity. "I hope," said Mr Chromatic, "it may
+be Tenorina; for I imagine Graziosa has conceived a _penchant_ for Sir
+Patrick O'Prism."--"Tenorina, exactly," said Squire Headlong; and
+became so impatient to bring the matter to a conclusion, that Mr
+Chromatic undertook to communicate with his daughter immediately. The
+young lady proved to be as ready as the squire, and the preliminaries
+were arranged in little more than five minutes.
+
+Mr Chromatic's words, that he imagined his daughter Graziosa had
+conceived a _penchant_ for Sir Patrick O'Prism, were not lost on the
+squire, who at once determined to have as many companions in the
+scrape as possible, and who, as soon as he could tear himself from Mrs
+Headlong elect, took three flying bounds across the room to the
+baronet, and said, "So, Sir Patrick, I find you and I are going to be
+married?"
+
+"Are we?" said Sir Patrick: "then sure won't I wish you joy, and
+myself too? for this is the first I have heard of it."
+
+"Well," said Squire Headlong, "I have made up my mind to it, and you
+must not disappoint me."
+
+"To be sure I won't, if I can help it," said Sir Patrick; "and I am
+very much obliged to you for taking so much trouble off my hands. And
+pray, now, who is it that I am to be metamorphosing into Lady
+O'Prism?"
+
+"Miss Graziosa Chromatic," said the squire.
+
+"Och violet and vermilion!" said Sir Patrick; "though I never thought
+of it before, I dare say she will suit me as well as another: but then
+you must persuade the ould Orpheus to draw out a few _notes_ of rather
+a more magical description than those he is so fond of scraping on his
+crazy violin."
+
+"To be sure he shall," said the squire; and, immediately returning to
+Mr Chromatic, concluded the negotiation for Sir Patrick as
+expeditiously as he had done for himself.
+
+The squire next addressed himself to Mr Escot: "Here are three couple
+of us going to throw off together, with the Reverend Doctor Gaster for
+whipper-in: now, I think you cannot do better than make the fourth
+with Miss Cephalis; and then, as my father-in-law that is to be would
+say, we shall compose a very harmonious octave."
+
+"Indeed," said Mr Escot, "nothing would be more agreeable to both of
+us than such an arrangement: but the old gentleman, since I first knew
+him, has changed, like the rest of the world, very lamentably for the
+worse: now, we wish to bring him to reason, if possible, though we
+mean to dispense with his consent, if he should prove much longer
+refractory."
+
+"I'll settle him," said Squire Headlong; and immediately posted up to
+Mr Cranium, informing him that four marriages were about to take place
+by way of a merry winding up of the Christmas festivities.
+
+"Indeed!" said Mr Cranium; "and who are the parties?"
+
+"In the first place," said the squire, "my sister and Mr Foster: in
+the second, Miss Graziosa Chromatic and Sir Patrick O'Prism: in the
+third, Miss Tenorina Chromatic and your humble servant: and in the
+fourth to which, by the by, your consent is wanted----"
+
+"Oho!" said Mr Cranium.
+
+"Your daughter," said Squire Headlong.
+
+"And Mr Panscope?" said Mr Cranium.
+
+"And Mr Escot," said Squire Headlong. "What would you have better? He
+has ten thousand virtues."
+
+"So has Mr Panscope," said Mr Cranium; "he has ten thousand a year."
+
+"Virtues?" said Squire Headlong.
+
+"Pounds," said Mr Cranium.
+
+"I have set my mind on Mr Escot," said the squire.
+
+"I am much obliged to you," said Mr Cranium, "for dethroning me from
+my paternal authority."
+
+"Who fished you out of the water?" said Squire Headlong.
+
+"What is that to the purpose?" said Mr Cranium. "The whole
+process of the action was mechanical and necessary. The application of
+the poker necessitated the ignition of the powder: the ignition
+necessitated the explosion: the explosion necessitated my sudden
+fright, which necessitated my sudden jump, which, from a necessity
+equally powerful, was in a curvilinear ascent: the descent, being in a
+corresponding curve, and commencing at a point perpendicular to the
+extreme line of the edge of the tower, I was, by the necessity of
+gravitation, attracted, first, through the ivy, and secondly through
+the hazel, and thirdly through the ash, into the water beneath. The
+motive or impulse thus adhibited in the person of a drowning man, was
+as powerful on his material compages as the force of gravitation on
+mine; and he could no more help jumping into the water than I could
+help falling into it."
+
+"All perfectly true," said Squire Headlong; "and, on the same
+principle, you make no distinction between the man who knocks you down
+and him who picks you up."
+
+"I make this distinction," said Mr Cranium, "that I avoid the former
+as a machine containing a peculiar _cataballitive_ quality, which I
+have found to be not consentaneous to my mode of pleasurable
+existence; but I attach no moral merit or demerit to either of them,
+as these terms are usually employed, seeing that they are equally
+creatures of necessity, and must act as they do from the nature of
+their organisation. I no more blame or praise a man for what is called
+vice or virtue, than I tax a tuft of hemlock with malevolence, or
+discover great philanthropy in a field of potatoes, seeing that the
+men and the plants are equally incapacitated, by their original
+internal organisation, and the combinations and modifications of
+external circumstances, from being any thing but what they are. _Quod
+victus fateare necesse est_."
+
+"Yet you destroy the hemlock," said Squire Headlong, "and cultivate
+the potato; that is my way, at least."
+
+"I do," said Mr Cranium; "because I know that the farinaceous
+qualities of the potato will tend to preserve the great requisites of
+unity and coalescence in the various constituent portions of my animal
+republic; and that the hemlock, if gathered by mistake for parsley,
+chopped up small with butter, and eaten with a boiled chicken, would
+necessitate a great derangement, and perhaps a total decomposition, of
+my corporeal mechanism."
+
+"Very well," said the squire; "then you are necessitated to like Mr
+Escot better than Mr Panscope?"
+
+"That is a _non sequitur_," said Mr Cranium.
+
+"Then this is a _sequitur_," said the squire: "your daughter and Mr
+Escot are necessitated to love one another; and, unless you feel
+necessitated to adhibit your consent, they will feel necessitated to
+dispense with it; since it does appear to moral and political
+economists to be essentially inherent in the eternal fitness of
+things."
+
+Mr Cranium fell into a profound reverie: emerging from which, he said,
+looking Squire Headlong full in the face, "Do you think Mr Escot would
+give me that skull?"
+
+"Skull!" said Squire Headlong.
+
+"Yes," said Mr Cranium, "the skull of Cadwallader."
+
+"To be sure he will," said the squire.
+
+"Ascertain the point," said Mr Cranium.
+
+"How can you doubt it?" said the squire.
+
+"I simply know," said Mr Cranium, "that if it were once in my
+possession, I would not part with it for any acquisition on earth,
+much less for a wife. I have had one: and, as marriage has been
+compared to a pill, I can very safely assert that _one is a dose_; and
+my reason for thinking that he will not part with it is, that its
+extraordinary magnitude tends to support his system, as much as its
+very marked protuberances tend to support mine; and you know his own
+system is of all things the dearest to every man of liberal thinking
+and a philosophical tendency."
+
+The Squire flew over to Mr Escot. "I told you," said he, "I would
+settle him: but there is a very hard condition attached to his
+compliance."
+
+"I submit to it," said Mr Escot, "be it what it may."
+
+"Nothing less," said Squire Headlong, "than the absolute and
+unconditional surrender of the skull of Cadwallader."
+
+"I resign it," said Mr Escot.
+
+"The skull is yours," said the squire, skipping over to Mr Cranium.
+
+"I am perfectly satisfied," said Mr Cranium.
+
+"The lady is yours," said the squire, skipping back to Mr Escot.
+
+"I am the happiest man alive," said Mr Escot.
+
+"Come," said the squire, "then there is an amelioration in the state
+of the sensitive man."
+
+"A slight oscillation of good in the instance of a solitary
+individual," answered Mr Escot, "by no means affects the solidity of
+my opinions concerning the general deterioration of the civilised
+world; which when I can be induced to contemplate with feelings of
+satisfaction, I doubt not but that I may be persuaded _to be in love
+with tortures, and to think charitably of the rack_[14.1]."
+
+Saying these words, he flew off as nimbly as Squire Headlong himself,
+to impart the happy intelligence to his beautiful Cephalis.
+
+Mr Cranium now walked up to Mr Panscope, to condole with him on the
+disappointment of their mutual hopes. Mr Panscope begged him not to
+distress himself on the subject, observing, that the monotonous system
+of female education brought every individual of the sex to so
+remarkable an approximation of similarity, that no wise man would
+suffer himself to be annoyed by a loss so easily repaired; and that
+there was much truth, though not much elegance, in a remark which he
+had heard made on a similar occasion by a post-captain of his
+acquaintance, "that there never was a fish taken out of the sea, but
+left another as good behind."
+
+Mr Cranium replied that no two individuals having all the organs of
+the skull similarly developed, the universal resemblance of which Mr
+Panscope had spoken could not possibly exist. Mr Panscope rejoined;
+and a long discussion ensued, concerning the comparative influence of
+natural organisation and artificial education, in which the beautiful
+Cephalis was totally lost sight of, and which ended, as most
+controversies do, by each party continuing firm in his own opinion,
+and professing his profound astonishment at the blindness and
+prejudices of the other.
+
+In the meanwhile, a great confusion had arisen at the outer doors, the
+departure of the ball-visitors being impeded by a circumstance which
+the experience of ages had discovered no means to obviate. The grooms,
+coachmen, and postillions, were all drunk. It was proposed that the
+gentlemen should officiate in their places: but the gentlemen were
+almost all in the same condition. This was a fearful dilemma: but a
+very diligent investigation brought to light a few servants and a few
+gentlemen not above _half-seas-over_; and by an equitable distribution
+of these rarities, the greater part of the guests were enabled to set
+forward, with very nearly an even chance of not having their necks
+broken before they reached home.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XV
+    The Conclusion
+
+
+The squire and his select party of philosophers and dilettanti were
+again left in peaceful possession of Headlong Hall: and, as the former
+made a point of never losing a moment in the accomplishment of a
+favourite object, he did not suffer many days to elapse, before the
+spiritual metamorphosis of eight into four was effected by the
+clerical dexterity of the Reverend Doctor Gaster.
+
+Immediately after the ceremony, the whole party dispersed, the squire
+having first extracted from every one of his chosen guests a positive
+promise to re-assemble in August, when they would be better enabled,
+in its most appropriate season, to form a correct judgment of Cambrian
+hospitality.
+
+Mr Jenkison shook hands at parting with his two brother philosophers.
+"According to your respective systems," said he, "I ought to
+congratulate _you_ on a change for the better, which I do most
+cordially: and to condole with _you_ on a change for the worse,
+though, when I consider whom you have chosen, I should violate every
+principle of probability in doing so."
+
+"You will do well," said Mr Foster, "to follow our example. The
+extensive circle of general philanthropy, which, in the present
+advanced stage of human nature, comprehends in its circumference the
+destinies of the whole species, originated, and still proceeds, from
+that narrower circle of domestic affection, which first set limits to
+the empire of selfishness, and, by purifying the passions and
+enlarging the affections of mankind, has given to the views of
+benevolence an increasing and illimitable expansion, which will
+finally diffuse happiness and peace over the whole surface of the
+world."
+
+"The affection," said Mr Escot, "of two congenial spirits, united not
+by legal bondage and superstitious imposture, but by mutual confidence
+and reciprocal virtues, is the only counterbalancing consolation in
+this scene of mischief and misery. But how rarely is this the case
+according to the present system of marriage! So far from being a
+central point of expansion to the great circle of universal
+benevolence, it serves only to concentrate the feelings of natural
+sympathy in the reflected selfishness of family interest, and to
+substitute for the _humani nihil alienum puto_ of youthful
+philanthropy, the _charity begins at home_ of maturer years. And what
+accession of individual happiness is acquired by this oblivion of the
+general good? Luxury, despotism, and avarice have so seized and
+entangled nine hundred and ninety-nine out of every thousand of the
+human race, that the matrimonial compact, which ought to be the most
+easy, the most free, and the most simple of all engagements, is become
+the most slavish and complicated,--a mere question of finance,--a
+system of bargain, and barter, and commerce, and trick, and chicanery,
+and dissimulation, and fraud. Is there one instance in ten thousand,
+in which the buds of first affection are not most cruelly and
+hopelessly blasted, by avarice, or ambition, or arbitrary power?
+Females, condemned during the whole flower of their youth to a worse
+than monastic celibacy, irrevocably debarred from the hope to which
+their first affections pointed, will, at a certain period of life, as
+the natural delicacy of taste and feeling is gradually worn away by
+the attrition of society, become willing to take up with any coxcomb
+or scoundrel, whom that merciless and mercenary gang of cold-blooded
+slaves and assassins, called, in the ordinary prostitution of language
+_friends_, may agree in designating as a _prudent choice_. Young men,
+on the other hand, are driven by the same vile superstitions from the
+company of the most amiable and modest of the opposite sex, to that of
+those miserable victims and outcasts of a world which dares to call
+itself virtuous, whom that very society whose pernicious institutions
+first caused their aberrations,--consigning them, without one tear of
+pity or one struggle of remorse, to penury, infamy, and
+disease,--condemns to bear the burden of its own atrocious
+absurdities! Thus, the youth of one sex is consumed in slavery,
+disappointment, and spleen; that of the other, in frantic folly and
+selfish intemperance: till at length, on the necks of a couple so
+enfeebled, so perverted, so distempered both in body and soul, society
+throws the yoke of marriage: that yoke which, once rivetted on the
+necks of its victims, clings to them like the poisoned garments of
+Nessus or Medea. What can be expected from these ill-assorted
+yoke-fellows, but that, like two ill-tempered hounds, coupled by a
+tyrannical sportsman, they should drag on their indissoluble fetter,
+snarling and growling, and pulling in different directions? What can
+be expected for their wretched offspring, but sickness and suffering,
+premature decrepitude, and untimely death? In this, as in every other
+institution of civilised society, avarice, luxury, and disease
+constitute the TRIANGULAR HARMONY of the life of man. Avarice conducts
+him to the abyss of toil and crime: luxury seizes on his ill-gotten
+spoil; and, while he revels in her enchantments, or groans beneath her
+tyranny, disease bursts upon him, and sweeps him from the earth."
+
+"Your theory," said Mr Jenkison, "forms an admirable counterpoise to
+your example. As far as I am attracted by the one, I am repelled by
+the other. Thus, the scales of my philosophical balance remain
+eternally equiponderant, and I see no reason to say of either of them,
+OICHETAI EIS AIDAO[15.1]."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+    NOTES
+
+
+    Chapter 1
+
+[1.1] Foster, quasi _Phostaer_,--from _phaos_ and _taereo_, lucem
+servo, conservo, observo, custodio,--one who watches over and guards
+the light; a sense in which the word is often used amongst us, when we
+speak of _fostering_ a flame.
+
+[1.2] Escot, quasi _es skoton_, _in tenebras_, scilicet, intuens; one
+who is always looking into the dark side of the question.
+
+[1.3] Jenkison: This name may be derived from _aien ex ison_, _semper
+ex aequalibus_--scilicet, mensuris omnia metiens: one who from equal
+measures divides and distributes all things: one who from equal
+measures can always produce arguments on both sides of a question,
+with so much nicety and exactness, as to keep the said question
+eternally pending, and the balance of the controversy perpetually in
+statu quo. By an aphaeresis of the _a_, an elision of the second _e_,
+and an easy and natural mutation of _x_ into _k_, the derivation of
+this name proceeds according to the strictest principles of
+etymology: _aien ex ison--Ien ex ison--Ien ek ison--Ien 'k
+ison--Ienkison_--Ienkison--Jenkison.
+
+[1.4] Gaster: scilicet _Gastaer_--Venter, et praeterea nihil.
+
+
+    Chapter 2
+
+[2.1] See Emmerton on the Auricula.
+
+
+    Chapter 3
+
+[3.1] Mr Knight, in a note to the Landscape, having taken the liberty
+of laughing at a notable device of a celebrated _improver_, for giving
+greatness of character to a place, and showing an undivided extent of
+property, by placing the family arms on the neighbouring _milestones_,
+the improver retorted on him with a charge of misquotation,
+misrepresentation, and malice prepense. Mr Knight, in the preface to
+the second edition of his poem, quotes the improver's words:--"The
+market-house, or other public edifice, or even a _mere stone with
+distances_, may bear the arms of the family:" and adds:--"By a _mere
+stone with distances_, the author of the Landscape certainly thought
+he meant a _milestone_; but, if he did not, any other interpretation
+which he may think more advantageous to himself shall readily be
+adopted, as it will equally answer the purpose of the quotation." The
+improver, however, did not condescend to explain what he really meant
+by a _mere stone with distances_, though he strenuously maintained
+that he did _not_ mean a _milestone._ His idea, therefore, stands on
+record, invested with all the sublimity that obscurity can confer.
+
+[3.2] "Il est constant qu'elles se baisent de meilleur coeur, et se
+caressent avec plus de grace devant les hommes, fieres d'aiguiser
+impunement leur convoitise par l'image des faveurs qu'elles savent
+leur faire envier."--Rousseau, _Emile_, liv. 5.
+
+
+    Chapter 4
+
+[4.1] See Price on the Picturesque.
+
+[4.2] See Knight on Taste, and the Edinburgh Review, No. XIV.
+
+[4.3] Protracted banquets have been copious sources of evil.
+
+
+    Chapter 5
+
+[5.1] See Lord Monboddo's Ancient Metaphysics.
+
+[5.2] Drummond's Academical Questions.
+
+[5.3] Homer is proved to have been a lover of wine by the praises he
+bestows upon it.
+
+[5.4] A cup of wine at hand, to drink as inclination prompts.
+
+
+    Chapter 6
+
+[6.1] See Knight on Taste.
+
+[6.2] This stanza is imitated from Machiavelli's _Capitolo dell'
+Occasione_.
+
+
+    Chapter 7
+
+[7.1] Fragments of a demolished world.
+
+[7.2] Took's Diversions of Purley.
+
+
+    Chapter 8
+
+[8.1] Some readers will, perhaps, recollect the Archbishop of Prague,
+who also was an excellent sportsman, and who,
+
+    Com' era scritto in certi suoi giornali,
+    Ucciso avea con le sue proprie mani
+    Un numero infinito d'animali:
+    Cinquemila con quindici fagiani,
+    Seimila lepri, ottantantre cignali,
+    E per disgrazia, ancor _tredici cani_, &c.
+
+
+    Chapter 9
+
+[9.1] Me miserable! and thrice miserable! and four times, and five
+times, and twelve times, and ten thousand times miserable!
+
+[9.2] Pronounced cooroo--the Welsh word for _ale._
+
+
+    Chapter 10
+
+[10.1] Long since dead.
+
+[10.2] Georg. I. 199.
+
+[10.3] Sat. XIII. 28.
+
+[10.4] Carm. III. 6, 46.
+
+
+    Chapter 11
+
+[11.1] Pistyll, in Welch, signifies a cataract, and Rhaidr a cascade.
+
+[11.2] Rabelais.
+
+
+    Chapter 13
+
+[13.1] Rousseau, Discours sur les Sciences.
+
+[13.2] Imitated from a passage in the Purgatorio of Dante.
+
+
+    Chapter 14
+
+[14.1] Jeremy Taylor.
+
+
+    Chapter 15
+
+[15.1] _It descends to the shades_: or, in other words, _it goes to
+the devil_.
+
+
+
+
+    TRANSCRIPTION NOTES
+
+
+    Source
+
+Form:            printed book
+Title:           Headlong Hall
+Author:          Thomas Love Peacock
+Publisher:       J. M. Dent & Co. at Aldine House, 69 Great Eastern
+                 St., London.
+Date:            1891
+Editor:          Richard Garnett, LLD.
+Printer:         Turnbull and Spears, Printers, Edinburgh.
+British Library
+Shelfmark:       012611.i.37/1
+Description:     tan cloth over board binding, 122mm x 184mm x 21mm,
+                 176 pages plus 2 at front and 1 at back
+
+
+    Modifications
+
+Chapter head and foot decorations have been deleted -- to simplify
+production to purely text.
+
+Decorative chapter-start drop-caps have been replaced with capitals
+-- to simplify production to purely text.
+
+Page numbers and headers have been deleted -- the new document is
+unpaginated.
+
+Fullstops have been deleted from chapter titles and song titles --
+they are superfluous.
+
+All notes have been moved to the end of the document -- to suit the
+unpaginated format.
+
+All notes by the editor Richard Garnett have been deleted -- to remove
+(insubstantial) attachments to the original text.
+
+Chapter 1 paragraph 7: inserted closing quotes after "perpetually in
+statu quo." -- they appear to be missing, since the speech is not
+continued in the next paragraph.
+
+Chapter 1 paragraph 8: deleted fullstop after "astronomy----" -- the
+sentence is truncated, it does not end.
+
+Chapter 1 paragraph 9: deleted fullstop after "selfishness----" -- the
+sentence is truncated, it does not end.
+
+Chapter 1 paragraph 10: deleted fullstop after "cloth----" -- the
+sentence is truncated, it does not end.
+
+Chapter 1 paragraph 11: inserted a comma after "sprained ankle" --
+there is a small comma-sized gap at the end of the line where a comma
+appears to have been omitted.
+
+Chapter 2 paragraph 1: deleted comma after "oils" in "oils, and
+colours" -- "and" clusters things in an item, not separates items, in
+this list.
+
+Chapter 4 paragraph 13: inserted closing quotes after "summit of
+Ararat." -- they appear to be missing, since the speech is not
+continued in the next paragraph.
+
+Chapter 5 paragraph 33: replaced emdash before "Exactly, sir: an' ye"
+with fullstop and space -- it appears to be an erroneous
+inconsistency, there being no other like instances in speech
+indication.
+
+Chapter 7 paragraph 5: deleted closing quotes after "confracti mundi
+rudera:" -- the phrase is not quoted, and the speech does not end
+there.
+
+Chapter 7 paragraph 6: replaced "procession" with "precession" in "The
+procession of the equinoxes" -- it appears to be a spelling error,
+since Mr Foster is informed on the subject and not tending to make
+such mistakes.
+
+Chapter 7 paragraph 17: inserted "_Mr Escot._" at start of paragraph
+before "Nor is" -- to follow consistent indication and layout of
+speech.
+
+Chapter 8 paragraph 1: replaced "befel" with "befell" -- it appears to
+be a spelling error.
+
+Chapter 9 paragraph 16: replaced fullstop with questionmark after "the
+tevil with" -- the sentence is a question.
+
+Chapter 9 paragraph 22: replaced fullstop with questionmark after
+"away with me" -- the sentence is a question.
+
+Chapter 9 paragraph 23: replaced "b" with "p" in "by his chost" -- the
+sexton in all other cases says "py" instead of "by".
+
+Chapter 10 paragraph 6: inserted single closing quote after "_Oioi nun
+brotoi eisin_" -- it appears to be missing.
+
+Chapter 11 paragraph 3: replaced "y" in "Vouley" with "z" -- it
+appears to be a spelling error.
+
+Chapter 12 paragraph 1: replaced "wolves" in "individual lion, tiger,
+wolves," with "wolf" -- it is a list of singulars.
+
+Chapter 12 paragraph 9: inserted paragraph start and opening quotes
+before "You observe, in both these skulls" -- blockquotes cannot be
+inside paragraphs in the layout scheme.
+
+Chapter 12 paragraph 13: inserted closing quotes after "becoming a
+judge." -- they appear to be missing, since the speech is not
+continued in the next paragraph.
+
+Chapter 13 paragraph 17: replaced "woful" with "woeful" in "by woful
+experience" -- it appears to be a spelling error.
+
+Chapter 13 ballad: replaced "feats" with "feasts" in "O rich are the
+feats" -- it appears to be a spelling error.
+
+Chapter 14 paragraph 3: replaced fullstop with questionmark after
+"Llewelyn Ap-Yorwerth" -- the sentence is a question.
+
+Chapter 14 paragraph 5: inserted comma after "said the lady" -- one
+would be expected here.
+
+Chapter 14 paragraph 27: capitalised "Squire" in ""Your daughter,"
+said squire Headlong." -- all other instances of "Squire Headlong" are
+capitalised.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Headlong Hall, by Thomas Love Peacock
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12803 ***