diff options
Diffstat (limited to '12739-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/12739-h.htm | 1769 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/265.png | bin | 0 -> 25175 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/266.png | bin | 0 -> 277486 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/267.png | bin | 0 -> 106142 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/268-1.png | bin | 0 -> 59227 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/268-2.png | bin | 0 -> 39897 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/268-3.png | bin | 0 -> 25992 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/268-4.png | bin | 0 -> 16751 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/268-5.png | bin | 0 -> 14289 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/269.png | bin | 0 -> 29833 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/270.png | bin | 0 -> 152756 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/271.png | bin | 0 -> 256387 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/273.png | bin | 0 -> 69255 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/274.png | bin | 0 -> 228415 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/275.png | bin | 0 -> 59231 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/276-1.png | bin | 0 -> 25596 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/276-2.png | bin | 0 -> 17565 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 12739-h/images/276-3.png | bin | 0 -> 19867 bytes |
18 files changed, 1769 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/12739-h/12739-h.htm b/12739-h/12739-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..de63942 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/12739-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1769 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, December 6, 1890.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12739 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 6, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page265" + id="page265"></a>[pg 265]</span> + + <h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. XXII.—THE MANLY MAIDEN.</h3> + + <p>The Manly Maiden may be defined as the feminine exaggeration + of those rougher qualities which men display in their + intercourse with one another, or in the pursuit of those sports + in which courage, strength, and endurance play a part. In a + fatal moment she conceives the idea that she can earn the proud + title of "a good fellow" by emulating the fashions and the + habits of the robuster sex. She perceives that men have a + liking for men who are strong, bluff, outspoken, and + contemptuous of peril, and she infers mistakenly, that the same + tribute of admiration is certain to be paid to a woman who, + setting the traditions of her sex at defiance, consciously apes + the manly model without a thought of all that the imitation + involves. She forgets that as soon as a woman steps down of her + own free will from the pedestal on which the chivalrous + admiration of men has placed her, she abandons at once her + claim to that flattering reticence of speech, and that + specially attentive courtesy of bearing, which are in men the + outward and visible signs of the spiritual grace which they + assume as an attribute of all women. In spite of what the crazy + theorists of the perfect equality school may say, men still + continue to expect and to admire in women precisely those + qualities in which they feel themselves to be chiefly + deficient. Their reverence and affection are bestowed upon her + whose voice is ever soft, gentle and low, and whose mild + influence is shed like a balm upon the labours and troubles of + life. Of slang, and of slaps upon the back, of strength, + whether of language or of body, they get enough and to spare + amongst themselves, and they are scarcely to be blamed if at + certain moments they should prefer refinement to roughness, and + gentleness to gentlemen. However, these obvious considerations + have no weight with the Manly Maiden. In fact they never occur + to her, and hence arise failures, and humiliations, and + disappointments not a few.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/265.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/265.png" + alt="The Manly Maiden." /></a> + </div> + + <p>The Manly Maiden is not, as a rule, the natural product of a + genuine country life. The daughter of rich parents, who have + spent a great part of their lives in a centre of commercial + activity, she is introduced to a new home in the country at + about the age of fourteen. Seeing that all those who live in + the neighbourhood are in one way or another associated with + outdoor sports, and that the favour in which the men are held + and their fame vary directly as their power to ride or to shoot + straight, she becomes possessed by the notion that she too + must, if she is to please at all, be proficient in the sports + of men. Merely to ride to hounds is, of course, not + sufficiently distinctive. Many women do that, without losing at + all the ordinary characteristics of women. She must ride + bare-backed, she must understand a horse's ailments and his + points, she must trudge (in the constant society of men) over + fallows and through turnips in pursuit of partridges, she must + be able to talk learnedly of guns, of powders, and of shot, she + must possess a gun of her own, and think she knows how to use + it, she must own a retriever, and herself make him submissive + by the frequent application of a silver-headed dog-whip.</p> + + <p>These attainments are her ideals of earthly bliss, and she + sets out to realise them with a terrible perseverance. Her + father, of course, knows but little of sport. He is, however, + afflicted with the ordinary desire to shine as a sportsman, and + as a host of sportsmen. He stocks his coverts with game, and + invites large shooting parties to stay with him. He himself + takes to a gun as a hen might take to the water; although, as + his daughter contemptuously expresses it, he is calculated to + miss a hippopotamus at ten yards, he seems to imagine, if one + may be permitted to judge from the wild frequency of his shots, + that it is the easiest thing in the world to hit a pheasant or + a partridge flying at ten times that distance. From such a + father the Manly Maiden easily secures permission, first of + all, to walk with the men while they are shooting, and + subsequently to carry a gun herself.</p> + + <p>And now the difficulties of the situation begin to make + themselves felt, not, indeed, by her, for she remains sublimely + unconscious to the end, but by the men who are compelled to + associate with her upon her ventures. No man will ever hesitate + to rebuke another for carrying his gun in such a way as to + threaten danger; but, when a lady allows him to inspect the + inside of her loaded gun-barrels, or shoots down the line at an + evasive rabbit, he must suffer in silence, and can only seek + compensation for restraining his tongue by incontinently + removing his body to a safe place, where he can neither shoot + nor be shot. At luncheon, however, he may be gratified by + hearing the Manly Maiden rally him on the poor result of his + morning's sport. She will then favour him, at length, with her + opinions as to how a driven partridge or a rocketing pheasant + should be shot, flavouring her discourse with copious extracts + from the Badminton books on shooting, and adding here and there + imaginative reminiscences of her own exploits in dealing death. + In the hunting-field she will lose her groom, and babble sport + to the Master, with whom she further ingratiates herself by + rating and lashing one of his favourite hounds, or by heading + the fox whenever he attempts to break away. She then crosses + him at an awkward fence, and considers herself aggrieved by the + strong language which breaks irresistibly from the fallen + sportsman's lips. Later on she astonishes an elderly follower + of the hounds by asking him for a draught from his flask, and + completes his amazement by complaining of the thoughtless + manner in which he has diluted his brandy.</p> + + <p>In the evening she will narrate her adventures at length, + amidst a chorus of admiring comments from her fond parents, and + their parasites, and will follow up her triumphs of the day by + pursuing the men into the smoking-room, where she permits one + of them to offer her a cigarette, and imagines that she + delights him by accepting it. On such an occasion she will + inform one of her friends that, on the whole, she has but a + poor opinion of Diana of the Ephesians, seeing that she only + hunted with women, and never allowed men to approach her. From + this it may be inferred that her stock of classical allusions + is not quite so accurate and complete as that of a genuine + sportswoman should be. Next morning she may be seen schooling + her horses in the park. She has a touching faith in the use + both of spur and of whip whenever the occasion seems least to + demand them, and she despises the man who rides without rowels, + and reverences one who attempts impossible jumps without + discrimination. During the summer she spends a considerable + part of her time in "getting fit" for the labours of the autumn + and winter. Sometimes she even plays cricket, and has been + known to address the ball that bowled her in highly + uncomplimentary terms.</p> + + <p>So the years pass on. She never learns that it is possible + for a woman on certain occasions to be in the way of men, nor + does her accuracy or her care with a gun increase. If she + marries at all, she will marry some feeble creature who has no + feeling for sport, and over whom she can lord it to her heart's + content. But it is more probable that she will remain unwedded, + and will develop eventually from a would-be harding-riding + maiden, into a genuinely hard-featured old maid.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A MUSICAL POLE STAR.</h2> + + <p>The Irish Polar Star Musical, yclept our Paddy REWSKI, gave + his last "recital" at St. James's Hall, Thursday, November 27. + Bedad, then, 'tis Misther Paddy REWSKI himself that is the + broth of a boy entirely at the piano-forte, but, Begorra, he's + better at the <i>piano</i> than the <i>forte.</i> He gave us a + nice mixture of HANDEL, BEETHOVEN, CHOPIN, LISZT, and then a + neat little compo of his own, consisting of a charming theme, + with mighty ingenious and beautiful variations, all his own, + divil a less. Great success for Paddy REWSKI. The Irish Pole, + or Pole-ished Irishman, has thoroughly mastered his art, but if + he has learnt how to master tune he has not yet perfected + himself in <i>keeping strict time</i>, as he took his seat at + the piano just one quarter of an hour late. Paddy REWSKI, me + bhoy, when next you give us a recital, remember that + punctuality is the soul of business. <i>Au revoir</i>, Paddy + REWSKI!</p> + + <p>Yours entirely, JIM KRO MESKI.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ADVICE GRATIS.—Go and see <i>London Assurance</i>, + with "CHARLES our friend" in it, at the Criterion. It has, + probably, never yet been put on the stage as it is <i>hic et + nunc</i>. Well worth seeing as a <i>curio</i>. But what tin-pot + nonsense is the Tally-ho speech of <i>Lady Grace Harkaway</i>. + And yet it has always "gone," and <i>London Assurance</i> + itself, like the sly Reynard of the speech, has invariably + shown good sport, and given a good run for the money.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MAD WAGGERY.—<i>The Chequers</i> is not the name of a + wayside inn, but of one of those modern inventions calculated + to help to fill Colney Hatch. A Puzzle it is, and it can be + done—at least so say FELTHAM & CO. Anyhow, they don't + sell the solution, they only provide the mystery.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AN OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS NUMBER (<i>which is sure not to + be forgotten</i>).—Number One.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page266" + id="page266"></a>[pg 266]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>A CAUTION TO + SNAKES.</h3><a href="images/266.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/266.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"There is, however, another opinion prevalent among the + less educated which gives to the Rattle-snake the + vindictive spirit of the North American Indian, and asserts + that it adds a new joint to its rattle whenever it has + slain a human being, thus bearing in its tail the fearful + trophies of its prowess, just as the Indians wear the + scalps of slain foes."—<i>Wood's Natural + History</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page267" + id="page267"></a>[pg 267]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"INGINS is Snakes!" And from its lair</p> + + <p>This snake seems stirring. Who cries "Scare!"?</p> + + <p class="i2">Well, they who hear the rattle</p> + + <p>Close at their heels, its spring will dread,</p> + + <p>And wary watch and cautious tread,</p> + + <p class="i2">And arm as though for battle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Even to drive the keen-fanged snake</p> + + <p>From its old home in swamp or brake</p> + + <p class="i2">Irks sensitive humanity;</p> + + <p>But they who know the untamed thing,</p> + + <p>Have felt its fang, have seen its spring,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hold mercy mere insanity.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Untamed, untameable, it hides,</p> + + <p><i>Anguis in herbâ</i>, coils and glides,</p> + + <p class="i2">And strikes when least expected,</p> + + <p>And who shall blame its watchful foe</p> + + <p>Who stands prepared to strike a blow,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the swift death's detected?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the dark jungle dim and damp</p> + + <p>It lurks, and Civilisation's tramp</p> + + <p class="i2">Disturbs its sanctuary.</p> + + <p>Hard on the snake? Perchance, perchance!</p> + + <p>But Civilisation, to advance,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must ruthless be, as wary.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Vindictive spirit" of the wild,</p> + + <p>'Twixt you and Progress' pale-faced child</p> + + <p class="i2">Fated vendetta rages,</p> + + <p>And Pity's self stands powerless</p> + + <p>To help you counter with success</p> + + <p class="i2">The onset of the ages.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long driven, lingeringly you lurk;</p> + + <p>Steel and starvation ply their work</p> + + <p class="i2">Of slow extermination.</p> + + <p>Armed once again Columbia stands,</p> + + <p>And who'd arrest avenging hands,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must challenge—Civilisation.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/267.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/267.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>MANNERS OF THE BAR.</h3>A SKETCH IN THE LAW COURTS, + SHOWING THE PATIENT AND RESPECTFUL ATTENTION OF THE COUNSEL + FOR THE PLAINTIFF DURING THE SPEECH OF COUNSEL FOR + DEFENDANT. + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The Archbishop of CANTERBURY's learned judgment in the + Lincoln Case was very much after the style in which His Grace + parts his hair. It was a first-rate example of the <i>Via + Media</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PAGE FROM A POSSIBLE DIARY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Written in the Wild West.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Well, here I am. Guess I have got + together a pretty tidy Army, that should beat BARNUM into small + potatoes. The Arabs from Earl's Court will soon go along + straight enough. They seem to miss the Louvre Theatre over + yonder, where they were on the free list. Rather a pity I can't + start a Show here, but I calculate the country is too + disturbed.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Nothing much doing. Sent along to + SMALL BITE, and he has promised to come round along with a few + of the Ghost-Dancers to let me see what I think of them. Fancy + the <i>ballet</i> has been done before. That clever cuss GUS, + must have used it at Covent Garden when he put up <i>Robert the + Devil</i>. It seems like the Nun Ballet—uncommonly.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—SMALL BITE is here. He's friendly + enough, but his terms are too high. Fancy they must have been + trying to annex him for the Aquarium. The Ghost-Dance is a + fraud. Nothing in it. Might fake it up a bit with national + flags and red fire. But it's decidedly disappointing. + Altogether small pumpkins.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Settlers want to know when I am going + to begin. They are always in such a darned hurry. They ought to + know I am the hero of a hundred fights (see my + Autobiography—a few copies of which may still be had at + the almost nominal price of half-a-dollar) and should rely on + me accordingly. Am to visit the Indian Camp to-morrow.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Terms agreed. SMALL BITE and fifty + braves engage themselves for six months certain, sharing terms, + travelling exes, and one clear benefit. I find front of the + curtain and advertising, they provide entertainment, which is + to include Ghost-Dance (with banners and red fire) religious + rites, war-dance, and scalping expedition with incidentals + (SMALL BITE says he knows "some useful knockabout niggers") and + procession in and out of towns. Think I can boom it.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—My connection with war ended. + Calculate I start to-morrow with the Show across the + herring-pond, to wake up the Crowned Heads of Europe!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO THE BIG BACILLICIDE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O DOCTOR KOCH, if you can slay</p> + + <p class="i2">Those horrid germs that kill us,</p> + + <p>You'll be <i>the</i> hero of the day,</p> + + <p class="i2">Great foe of the Bacillus!</p> + + <p>What champion may we match with you</p> + + <p class="i2">In all the world of fable?</p> + + <p>St. George, who the Great Dragon slew,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Knights of ARTHUR's Table,</p> + + <p>E'en gallant giant-slaying JACK,</p> + + <p class="i2">The British nursery's darling;</p> + + <p>Or JENNER, against whom the pack</p> + + <p class="i2">Of faddists now are snarling,</p> + + <p>Must second fiddle play to him</p> + + <p class="i2">Who stayed the plague of phthisis,</p> + + <p>And plumbed a mystery more dim</p> + + <p class="i2">And deep than that of Isis.</p> + + <p>For what are Dragons, Laidly Worms,</p> + + <p class="i2">And such-like mythic scourges,</p> + + <p>Compared with microscopic germs</p> + + <p class="i2">'Gainst which the war he urges?</p> + + <p>Hygeia, goddess, saint, or nymph,</p> + + <p class="i2">We trust there's no big blunder,</p> + + <p>And hope your votary's magic lymph</p> + + <p class="i2">May prove no nine days' wonder.</p> + + <p>We dare not trust each pseudo-seer</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'd powder, purge, or pill us;</p> + + <p>But pyramids to him we'll rear</p> + + <p class="i2">Who baffles the Bacillus.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>STRANGE TRANSFORMATION.—From the <i>Times</i> + Correspondent, U.S., we learned, last week, that somebody who + had been "a Bull," was now "a Bear." What next will he + be?—A donkey? Or did he begin with this, and will he end + by being a goose?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROSPECT FOR CHRISTMAS.—"TUCK," i.e., RAPHAEL of that + ilk. The "Correct (Christmas) Card."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page268" + id="page268"></a>[pg 268]</span> + + <h2>"A PAIR OF SPECTACLES."</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/268-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The first spectacle classic and Shakspearian: t'other + burlesquian, and PETTIT-cum-SIMS. The one at the Princess's, + the other at the Gaiety. <i>Place au</i> "Divine WILLIAMS"! + <i>Antony and Cleopatra</i> is magnificently put on the stage. + The costumes are probably O.K.—"all correct"—seeing + that Mr. LEWIS WINGFIELD pledges his honourable name for the + fact. We might have done with a few less, perhaps, but, as in + the celebrated case of the war-song of the Jingoes, if we've + got the men, and the money too, then there was every reason why + the redoubtable LEWIS (whose name, as brotherly Masons will + call to mind, means "Strength") should have put a whole army of + Romans on the stage, if it so pleased him.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:37%;"> + <a href="images/268-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-2.png" + alt="" /></a>The Last Scene of Antony and Cleopatra. + </div> + + <p>For its <i>mise-en-scène</i> alone the revival should + attract all London. But there is more than this—there is + the clever and careful impersonation of <i>Enobarbus</i> by His + Gracious Heaviness, Mr. ARTHUR STIRLING; then there is a + lighter-comedy touch in the courteous and gentlemanly rendering + of <i>Octavius Cæsar</i> by Mr. F. KEMBLE COOPER—one of + the best things in the piece, but from the inheritor of two + such good old theatrical names, much is expected. And then + there is the <i>Mark Antony</i> of Mr. CHARLES COGHLAN, a + rantin', roarin' boy, this <i>Antony</i>, whom no one, I + believe, could ever have made really effective; and finally. + Her Graceful Majesty, Mrs. LANGTRY, Queen of Egyptian Witchery. + Now honestly I do not consider <i>Cleopatra</i> a good part, + nor is the play a good play for the matter of that. I believe + it never has been a success, but if, apart from the really + great attraction of gorgeous spectacular effects, there is any + one scene above another which might well draw all London, it is + the death of <i>Cleopatra</i>, which to my mind is—after + the fall of WOLSEY, and a long way after, too,—one of the + most pathetic pictures ever presented on the stage. So lonely + in her grandeur, so grand, and yet so pitiable in her + loneliness is this poor Queen of Beauty, this + Empress-Butterfly, who can conquer conquerors, and for whose + sake not only her noble lovers, but her poor humble + serving-maids, are willing to die.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/268-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-3.png" + alt="" /></a>The Run of Cleopatra. + </div> + + <p>Her last scene is beyond all compare her best, and to those + who are inclined to be disappointed with the play after the + first Act is over I say, "Wait for the end," and don't leave + until the Curtain has descended on that gracious figure of the + Queen of Egypt, attired in her regal robes, crowned with her + diadem, holding her sceptre, but dead in her chair of state. + <i>Ça donne à penser</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The Gaiety</i>.—In calling their burlesque + <i>Carmen up to Data</i>, possibly the two dear clever boys who + wrote it intended some crypto-jocosity of which the hidden + meaning is known only to the initiated in these sublime + mysteries. Why "<i>Data</i>"? On the other hand, "Why not?"</p> + + <p>However attractive or not as a heading in a bill of the + play, the Gaiety <i>Carmen</i> is, on the whole, a merry, + bright, and light burlesque-ish piece, though, except in the + costume and make-up of Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMS as <i>Captain + Zuniga</i>, there is nothing extraordinarily "burlesque" in the + appearance of any of the characters, as the appearance of Mr. + HORACE MILLS as <i>Remendado</i> belongs more to Christmas + pantomime than to the sly suggestiveness of real burlesque.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/268-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-4.png" + alt="" /></a>Scene from the Cigarette History of + <i>Carmen</i>. + </div> + + <p>As Miss ST. JOHN simply looks, acts, and sings as a genuine + <i>Carmen</i>, I can only suppose that her voice is not strong + enough for the real Opera; otherwise I doubt whether any better + operatic impersonator of the real character could be found. She + is not the least bit burlesque, and though the songs she has to + sing are nothing like so telling as those she has had given her + in former pieces, yet, through her rendering, most are encored, + and all thoroughly appreciated.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/268-5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-5.png" + alt="" /></a>In for a good Run on the "Bogie" System. + </div> + + <p>Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMS as <i>Zuniga</i> is very droll, + reminding some of us, by his make-up and jerky style, of MILHER + as the comic <i>Valentine</i> in <i>Le Petit Faust</i>. Mr. + LONNEN is also uncommonly good as the spoony soldier, and in + the telling song of "<i>The Bogie Man</i>;" and in the still + more telling dance with which he finishes it and makes his + exit, he makes <i>the</i> hit of the evening,—in fact the + hit by which the piece will he remembered, and to which it owes + the greater part of its success.</p> + + <p>In the authors' latest adaptation of the very ancient + "business" of "the statues"—consisting of a verse, and + then an attitude, I was disappointed, as I had been led to + believe that here we should see what Mr. LONNEN could do in the + Robsonian or burlesque-tragedy style. The brilliancy of the + costumes, of the scenery, the grace of the four dancers, and + the excellence of band and chorus, under the direction of that + ancient mariner MEYER LUTZ, are such as are rarely met with + elsewhere.</p> + + <p>Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES may now attend to the building of his + new theatre, as <i>Carmen up to Data</i> will not give him any + trouble for some time to come.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page269" + id="page269"></a>[pg 269]</span> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>Only a Penny! And well worth every halfpenny of it. I am + alluding to the Christmas Number of the <i>Penny Illustrated + Paper</i>, in which appears <i>A Daughter of the People</i>, by + JOHN LATEY, Junior, who is Junior than ever in December. + Capital Christmas Number, and will attract an extraordinary + number of Christmas readers.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/269.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/269.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>The Rosebud Annual</i>, published by JAMES CLARK & + CO., is quite a bright posy for our very little ones.</p> + + <p>Turning from novels, it is a relief to come across so + inviting a little volume as the <i>Pocket Atlas, and Gazetteer + of Canada</i>, which will be found of the greatest possible + value to eccentric Londoners who purpose visiting the Dominion + during the coming Winter.</p> + + <p>"<i>Persicos odi</i>," but you won't agree with HORACE if + you follow this "<i>puer apparatus</i>" of G. NORWAY, who, in + <i>Hussein's Hostage</i>, gives us the exciting adventures of a + Persian boy.</p> + + <p><i>'Twixt School and College</i>, by GORDON STABLES, has + nothing to do with horsey experiences, as suggested by the + author's name, but is the uneventful home-life of a poor Scotch + laddie, who triumphs by dint of pluck.</p> + + <p><i>Nutbrown Roger and I</i>, by J.H. YOXALL, a romance of + the highway, quite in the correct style of disguises and + blunderbusses always so necessary for a tale of this kind.</p> + + <p><i>Disenchantment</i> is the—not + altogether—enticing title of "an everyday story," by F. + MABEL ROBINSON, author of <i>The Plan of Campaign</i>. It is + rather a long tale to tell, for it takes 432 pages in the + unravelling. It ends with a beautiful avowal that "the heart is + no more unchanging than the mind, and that love's not immortal, + but an illusion." As the utterer of this truism is a young + married woman, it would seem that the foundation is laid for a + sequel to <i>Disenchantment</i> that might be appropriately + called <i>Divorce</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The Secret of the Old House</i>, by EVELYN EVERETT GREEN, + who evidently can't keep a secret to himself, will be so no + longer when the children have satisfied their curiosity by + reading the book.</p> + + <p>My faithful "Co." declares that he has been recently hard at + work novel-reading. He has been revelling in an atmosphere of + romance. He has been moved almost to tears by <i>Lady + Hazleton's Confession</i>, by Mrs. KENT SPENDER, which, he + says, includes, amongst many moving passages, some glimpses of + Parliamentary life. <i>Friend Olivia</i>, in one bulky volume, + takes the reader back to the days of CROMWELL, when people said + "hath," instead of "has," and "pray resolve me truly," instead + of "don't sell me;" and "Mr. JOHN MILTON" played upon the + organ. It has a fine old crusty Puritan flavour about it, + which, however, does not prevent the hero and heroine, in the + last page, reading a letter together, "with smiles, and little + laughs, and sweet asides, and sweeter kisses." Altogether, a + book to read when a library does <i>not</i> contain WALTER + SCOTT, ALEXANDRE DUMAS <i>père</i>, G.P.R. JAMES, or HARRISON + AINSWORTH. <i>Two Masters</i> deals with passages in the life + of a young lady who is described as "a Boarding-school Miss" in + Volume I., and "a young she-fiend" in Volume III. However, it + is only right to say, that the last compliment is paid to her + by a gentlemanly murderer, who takes poison and a cigarette, + with a view to escaping a justly-deserved death on the gallows. + From this it may be seen, that the novel is at times slightly + sensational. Fearing that his Christmas might be saddened by + this last ghastly incident, were not the impression created by + it partially removed by less highly-seasoned fare, my faithful + "Co." has also read <i>Mary Hamilton, a Tale for Girls, My + Schoolfellows</i>, and <i>Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble</i>. He + considers the first admirably adapted to the comprehension of + the readers to whom it is addressed, only the girls, he says, + should be <i>very</i> young girls. <i>My Schoolfellows</i> he + intends reading again when he has reached his second childhood, + when he fancies he will be better pleased with the humours of + "<i>Guzzling Gus</i>" and "<i>Ned Never Mind</i>." In + conclusion, he admits that he is a little doubtful about the + merits or demerits of <i>Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble</i>. He + explains, that while he was reading it he "fell a thinking," + and that when he woke up, the volume was lying on the floor. + Since then, he adds, he really has not had the leisure to pick + it up.</p> + + <p><i>The Snake's Pass</i>, by BRAM STOKER, M.A. (SAMPSON LOW), + is a simple love-story, a pure idyl of Ireland, which does not + seem, after all, to be so distressful a country to live in. + Whiskey punch flows like milk through the land; the loveliest + girls abound, and seem instinctively to be drawn towards the + right man. Also there are jooled crowns to be found by earnest + seekers, with at least one large packing-case crammed with rare + coins. The love-scenes are frequent and tempting. BRAM has an + eye to scenery, and can describe it. He knows the Irish + peasant, and reproduces his talk with a fidelity which almost + suggests that he, too, is descended from one of the early + kings, whereas, as everyone knows, he lives in London and adds + grace and dignity to "the front" of the Lyceum on First Nights + and others. He is perfectly overwhelming in his erudition in + respect of the science of drainage, which, if all stories be + true, he might find opportunity of turning to account in the + every-day (or, rather, every-night) world of the theatre. In + his novel he utilises it in the preliminaries of shifting a + mighty bog, the last stages whereof are described in a chapter + that, for sustained interest, recalls CHARLES READE's account + of the breaking of the Sheffield Reservoir. The novel-reader + will do well not to pass by <i>The Snake's Pass</i>. THE BARON + DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>RED VERSUS BLACK.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Two Views of the same place, by Gentlemen "who Write to + the Papers."</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Opinion No. 1.</i>—Monte Carlo! One of the most + disgraceful places in Europe—a blot upon our + civilisation. The gambling is productive of the greatest + possible misery. It is an institution that should be held up to + the execration of mankind. All the riffraff of the globe are + attracted to this hideous spot. The place is like an upas-tree, + under which everything noble and good languishes and dies! The + form of Government is absolutely immoral. It is a scandal that + rates, and taxes, and public improvements should be paid for + out of the private purse of the Director. He could not afford + it had he not made a fortune out of his ill-gotten gains! + Anyone who has watched at the tables knows that the chances are + absolutely unfair—that the Direction must win. Not that + this matters much. It is the general immorality of the place + that is so alarming. The place should be closed at once; and + persons who have lost anything, say, during the last year, + should have their money promptly returned to them. And I say + this without any bias, although I <i>did</i> back Red, and + Black came up ten times running!</p> + + <p>P.S.—Just won a trifle. Not so sure that my pessimist + view may not be modified.</p> + + <p><i>Opinion No. 2.</i>—Monte Carlo! Without exception, + the loveliest spot in Europe. The so-called gambling is the + cause of numberless blessings. It is an institution that should + be held up to the admiration of mankind. All the aristocracy of + the civilised world flock to it to indulge in a recreation to + which only the greatly prejudiced can possibly take exception. + The Government is benevolent to the last degree. In what other + country are rates, taxes, and improvements paid for you? If the + Director were not the best of men, how could this be done? The + play itself is absolutely fair. And, with a system, and a + sufficiency of capital, anyone is able to realise a large + fortune in less than no time. Not that this absolute certainty + should be taken into consideration. It is the general morality + of the place that is so encouraging. The place should never + close. And it would be a graceful thing if those who have laid + in a store for their old age were to return a trifle, to be + expended on some charity. And I say this without any bias, + although I have backed Black ten times successfully.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Just lost all I had. Not so sure that my optimist + view is not open to rectification!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>BULL AND BULLION.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>On Gold, after Goldsmith.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When British Commerce stoops to folly,</p> + + <p class="i2">And finds too late that Bonds betray,</p> + + <p>What charm can soothe her melancholy,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the big rush for bullion stay?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To save herself from shameful ruin</p> + + <p class="i2">(Ask Monsieur LAUR!) her only chance</p> + + <p>Lies—full revenge for Waterloo!—in</p> + + <p class="i2">Big borrowings from generous France.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch Among the Planets</i> is the title of <i>Mr. + Punch's</i> Christmas Number, <i>vice</i> Almanack superseded. + Ask for this, and "see that you get it"!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VOX STELLARUM.—The New Comet, November 19, Boston, + U.S., suddenly appeared, and was heard to exclaim, "But, soft! + I am observed!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page270" + id="page270"></a>[pg 270]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/270.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/270.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>SCENES OF CLERICAL LIFE.—A DIOCESAN + CONFERENCE.</h3>"LOOK 'ERE, BILL! BLEST IF THESE BEAN'T A + LOT O' PARSONS ON STRIKE!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"SEPARATISTS."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragments of a Modern "Marmion."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">"But DOUGLAS round him drew his + cloak,</p> + + <p class="i2">Folded his arms, and thus he + spoke:—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">* * * * *</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">'The hand of DOUGLAS is his own,</p> + + <p class="i2">And never shall in friendly grasp</p> + + <p class="i2">The hand of such as MARMION clasp.'"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">* * * * *</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The hand of such as MARMION!" Ay!</p> + + <p>Great Singer of the knightly lay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy tale of Flodden field</p> + + <p>Is darkened by unknightly stain.</p> + + <p>That slackened arm and burdened brain</p> + + <p>Of him found low among the slain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Constrained at last to yield</p> + + <p>To a mere "base marauder's lance;"</p> + + <p>He, firm of front and cold of glance,</p> + + <p>The dark, the dauntless MARMION.—</p> + + <p>The days of chivalry are gone,</p> + + <p>Dispraisers of the present say,</p> + + <p>Yet men arm still for party fray</p> + + <p class="i2">As fierce as foray old;</p> + + <p>And mail is donned, and steel is drawn,</p> + + <p>And champions challenging at dawn</p> + + <p class="i2">Ere night lie still and cold.</p> + + <p>Two champions here 'midst loud applause,</p> + + <p>Have led the lists in a joint cause</p> + + <p class="i2">On many a tourney morn,</p> + + <p>Have fought to vanward in the field</p> + + <p>Full many an hour, and, sternly steeled,</p> + + <p class="i2">One banner forward borne.</p> + + <p>And now—ah, well, as DOUGLAS old</p> + + <p>On MARMION looked sternly cold,</p> + + <p class="i2">So looks this Chieftain grey</p> + + <p>On his old comrade, though the fight</p> + + <p>Is forward now, and many a knight</p> + + <p class="i2">Is arming for the fray.</p> + + <p>As "the demeanour changed and cold</p> + + <p>Of DOUGLAS fretted MARMION bold,"</p> + + <p>Has this old greyhaired Chieftain's chill</p> + + <p>Fretted that man of icy will?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who knows—or cares to know?</p> + + <p>At least he "has to learn ere long</p> + + <p>That constant mind, and hate of wrong"</p> + + <p>Than steely pride are yet more strong;</p> + + <p class="i2">That shame can strike a blow</p> + + <p>At comradeship more fatal far</p> + + <p>Than any chance of fateful war</p> + + <p>When faction howled with Cerberus throat,</p> + + <p>When falsehood struck a felon stroke,</p> + + <p class="i2">When forgery did its worst</p> + + <p>To pull its hated quarry down,</p> + + <p>To dim, disarm, degrade, discrown.</p> + + <p class="i2">Against the array accurst</p> + + <p>That ancient chief made gallant head,</p> + + <p>Dismayed not, nor disquieted</p> + + <p class="i2">At rancour's rude assault.</p> + + <p>He shared opprobrium undeserved,</p> + + <p>But not for that had courage swerved,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or loyalty made default.</p> + + <p>But now? The hand that reared hath razed;</p> + + <p>And as old ANGUS stood amazed</p> + + <p class="i2">At WILTON's shameful tale,</p> + + <p>So fealty here must bend the brow,</p> + + <p>And faith, though sorely tried, till now</p> + + <p class="i2">Surviving, faint and fail;</p> + + <p>As DOUGLAS round him drew his cloak,</p> + + <p>So, saddened by unknightly stroke,</p> + + <p class="i2">The ancient chief must draw;</p> + + <p>Nor in mere pharisaic scorn,</p> + + <p>But in the name of faith foresworn</p> + + <p class="i2">And honour's broken law.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Tis pity of him, too!" 'Twas so,</p> + + <p>The half-relenting ANGUS, low</p> + + <p class="i2">Spake in his snowy beard.</p> + + <p>"Bold can he speak, and fairly ride:</p> + + <p>I warrant him a warrior tried."</p> + + <p class="i2">A foeman to be feared,</p> + + <p>A leader to be trusted, seemed</p> + + <p>This dark, cold chief, and few had dreamed</p> + + <p class="i2">Of such strange severance.</p> + + <p>And any not ignoble eye</p> + + <p>In sorrow more than mockery</p> + + <p class="i2">Aside will gladly glance.</p> + + <p>'Tis pity of it! Right or wrong,</p> + + <p>The Cause needs champions true as strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">And blameless as they're bold.</p> + + <p>"A sinful heart makes feeble hand,"</p> + + <p>Cried MARMION, his "failing brand"</p> + + <p class="i2">Cursing with lips grown cold.</p> + + <p>Let vulgar venom triumph here,</p> + + <p>And hate, itself from shame not clear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Make haste to hurl the stone;</p> + + <p>A nobler foe will stand aside,</p> + + <p>And more in sorrow than in pride,</p> + + <p>Not hot to harry or deride,</p> + + <p>Like DOUGLAS in his halls abide,</p> + + <p class="i2">But keep his hand—his own!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>FROM A THEATRICAL CORRESPONDENT.—Sir,—I know a + lot about London and N.B., but never till now did I know of the + existence of 'ARRY in Scotland. The character is now + represented, as I am informed, on the stage, by Mr. BEERBOHM + TREE, who, in a play called <i>Back</i>, impersonates the MAC + ARRY. Odd, this! for the McCOCKNIE. P.S.—One lives and + learns. [*** If McCOCKNIE is to learn much, he will have to + become a McMETHUSELAH. The piece to which he alludes is + <i>Called Back</i>, by HUGH CONWAY and COMYNS CARR, and the + part in it, excellently played by Mr. TREE, is <i>Macari</i>, + an Italian.]</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page271" + id="page271"></a>[pg 271]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/271.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/271.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"SEPARATISTS."</h3> + + <p>Douglas ... Mr. Gl-dst-ne. Marmion ... Mr. P-rn-ll.</p> + + <p>Douglas. "THE HAND OF DOUGLAS IS HIS OWN; AND NEVER + SHALL IN FRIENDLY GRASP THE HAND OF SUCH AS MARMION + CLASP!"—<i>Marmion</i>, Canto VI.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page273" + id="page273"></a>[pg 273]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/273.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/273.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY VERY MUCH AT SEA.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>An incident of Mr. Ashmead-Bartlett's recent Tour + in Ireland.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Mr. A.B.</i> "WHY PAT, MY LAD, I SEE NOTHING TO + COMPLAIN OF HERE. THESE POTATOES ARE REMARKABLY FINE!"</p> + + <p><i>Pat</i>. "BEDAD, SOR, BUT THEY'RE NOT PRATIES AT ALL, + AT ALL. SHURE, IT'S THE TURNIPS YOUR HONOUR'S LOOKING + AT!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h2> + + <p>"The Royal Society of Painters in Water-Colours?" said young + PAR. "Nonsense! why all the water is frozen now, and so they + can't paint!" "Precisely," replied I; "and that's why it is a + nice exhibition!" This so startled Young PAR that he slipped + and fell. I turned into the Gallery in Pall Mall, and left him + sitting on the cold hard flags outside. Inside pleasant enough. + BIRKET FOSTER's "<i>Island of Rum</i>" very + comforting—should like some hot. HERBERT + MARSHALL—our own City MARSHALL—has gone further + afield, to "<i>Old Chelsea</i>." Should now be called the Field + MAR SHALL. MATTHEW HALE, in "<i>Gathering Blackberries</i>," is + a hail fellow well met! "<i>The Corso, Verona</i>," by S.J. + HODSON, shows that HODSON's choice is a good one. HENRY MOORE's + sea-pieces—the more the merrier, say I. + "<i>Warkworth—Sunlit Shower</i>," by A.W. HUNT: a walk + worth taking when the hunt is up. "<i>Holidays Past and + Future</i>," suggests wide subjects and open spaces. Why, then, + is it painted by SMALLFIELD? "<i>Wreck of the Halswell</i>," is + a terrible catastrophe. Can't be "All's Well." Possibly the + painter, G.H. ANDREWS, means "all swell"—that seems a + great deal more likely. ALBERT GOODWIN shows himself to be a + good winner in the "<i>Ponte Vecchio, Florence</i>." DU MAURIER + delights us with some clever Society sketches in pen and + pencil. The veteran, Sir JOHN GILBERT, is as young, as dashing, + as vigorous as ever. H.G. GLINDONI has two pictures full of + humour and character. STACY MARKS' "<i>Cockatoo</i>" looks as + if it had just flown in from the Zoo. "<i>Au Sgarnach</i>," by + C.B. PHILLIP. Title difficult to understand. Landscape easy to + comprehend. A close study of Nature, admirably painted. A + wholesome Phillippic against namby-pamby prettiness. "<i>On the + Thames</i>," by G.A. FRIPP, honestly painted, and no frippery + about it. Miss CLARA MONTALBA has a large number of pictures of + Venice—and Mr. RIDGE comes up and says he is the Keeper. + What Keeper? He whispers, he is the Keeper of the Cold + Out—What an oridginal remark!—and will I step into + the Committee Room? I do, and remain there, and continue to + be</p> + + <p>Yours par-adoxically, OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT AT THE HOPERA.</h2> + + <p>I was habel the other day to do BROWN a good turn by getting + him engaged at won of our big Otels, so he kindly offerd to + stand a supper, and then take me to the Hopera at Common + Garden. We went to see <i>Horfay</i>.</p> + + <p>It seems that wunce upon a time, ever so many thowsand years + ago, before there was not no Lord Mares, nor no Shirryffs, nor + not ewen no Aldermen, a Gent of the name of <i>Horfay</i> lived + in Grease. He was the werry grandest Fiddler of his time, a + regler JOEY KIM. Well, he married a werry bewtiful wife, of the + name of <i>Yourridisee</i>, and they was both werry appy, till + one day, as she was a having a run in a field, a norrid serpent + bit her in her heel; so she died. Well, while poor <i>Mr. + Horfay</i> is a telling us all about his trubbel, in comes a + werry bewtiful young lady with a pair of most bewtiful wings + on, and she werry kindly gives him a new sort of magic Fiddle, + called, as I was told, A Liar! to go to—go down to <i>you + kno where</i>, to git his wife back! Off he goes, and the neks + sean shows us the werry plaice, all filled with savidges, and + demons, and snakes, and things; and presently, when <i>Mr. + Horfay</i> is seen a cumming down, all the demons and savidges + runs at him to stop him; but he holds up the Liar, and begins + for to sing, and most bewtifully too, tho' I didn't kno the + tune; they all makes way for him, and he gos bang into lots of + big flames, and so I werry naterally thort as how it was all + over. But not a bit of it, for in the werry next sean we sees + him with his Liar in a most lovly garden, all full of most + lovly flowers and trees, and numbers of bewtiful ladies, a + dancing and enjoying theirselves like fun, until his Liar leads + him rite up to his wife, and then he raps harf his scarf round + her, and off they gos together, both on 'em dowtless a longing + for a reel nupshal kiss, but poor <i>Mr. Horfay</i> not a + daring for to look at her, becoz if he does before he gets her + home, she will be ded again direckly! Was there hever such a + tanterlising case ever known! When she sings to him to give her + one loving look, he sings to her to say he mustn't, until at + larst she sets down on a nice cumferel-looking sofy, as appens + for to be in the werry middel of the street, and says, werry + artfully, as she carn't go not one step farther, when in course + he turns round, and rushes up to her to have one fond embrace, + and, thank goodness, they has it, and then she falls back + dead!</p> + + <p>Well, now, I knos as I'm ony a mere Hed Waiter, and, + therefore, not xpected to have any werry fine feelings, like my + betters has, but</p> + + <p>I do declare that, when I saw this sad, sad end to all that + grand amount of reel true Love, the tears run down my cheeks + like rain, and I was a getting up to go away, when presently in + came the lovly angel again, whose name I was told was Love, and + told him that such love as his could conker Death itself; and + she brort the pore wife to life again, and all hended, as all + things shood end, jovial, and cumferal, and happy. What a + wunderful thing is Music! It didn't seem at all strange to me + that not one single word was spoke all the heavening, but ewery + word sung, and in a forren tung, too, that I didn't + hunderstand, the bewtiful story kep my atention fixt the hole + time, and I warked home in the poring rain, werry thankful, and + jest a leetle prowd, that in one thing, at least, I was not + xacly like BROWN, who slept carm and content thro the hole of + the larst hact.</p> + + <p>ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Fate of Salvation Army Generals.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Each General is, by a deed of appointment, executed and + placed in safe custody with certain formalities, + &c."—<i>Gen. Booth's Letter to the Times, + Nov.</i> 27.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This is dreadful! Why should the Generals be executed? What + have they done to deserve this cruel fate? And what is the use + of placing them in safe custody <i>after</i> they have been + executed? And what are the "certain formalities"? We pause for + a reply to all these questions.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SEASONABLE.—CHRISTMAS IS COMING.—In the + <i>Morning Post</i>, one day last week, appeared an + announcement to the effect that Madame NOËL had left one + residence in the West End for another in the same quarter. Odd + this, just now. But go where she will, <i>Le bon père</i> NOËL + will be in London and the country on the 25th instant; so the + best way is to prepare to receive Father Christmas.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SO-HO, THERE!—Some persons think that the proper place + for "The Pelican" ought still to be—the wilderness.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOVELTY.—Quartette for three players—"Whist! the + Dumby Man!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EDUCATIONAL WORK (BY C.S. P-RN-LL).—<i>The Crammer's + Guide to Politics</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page274" + id="page274"></a>[pg 274]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/274.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/274.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>IRISH ACTORS IN AMERICA.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page275" + id="page275"></a>[pg 275]</span> + + <h2>A DRESS DRAMA.</h2> + + <h3>(BY A PERPLEXED PLAYWRIGHT.)</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've got myself into a horrible mess,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of that there can be no manner of + doubt,</p> + + <p>And my forehead is aching, because I've been + making</p> + + <p class="i2">A desperate effort to get myself out,</p> + + <p>And I'm given away, so it seemeth to me,</p> + + <p>Like a threepenny vase with a pound of tea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I promised an actress to write her a play,</p> + + <p class="i2">With herself, of course, in the leading + part,</p> + + <p>With abundance of bathos paraded as pathos,</p> + + <p class="i2">And a gallery death of a broken + heart—</p> + + <p>It's a capital plan, I find, to try</p> + + <p>To arrange a part where the audience cry.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So I quickly think of a beautiful plot,</p> + + <p class="i2">The interest ne'er for an instant + flags;</p> + + <p>The sorrowful ending is almost heart-rending,</p> + + <p class="i2">As the heroine comes on in tatters and + rags.</p> + + <p>It is better than aught I have thought of + before,</p> + + <p>And will certainly run for a twelvemonth or + more.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet, alas! for my prospect of glory and gain,</p> + + <p class="i2">She has strangled my play at its moment + of birth,</p> + + <p>For now she has written to say she is smitten</p> + + <p class="i2">With the newest designs and creations of + WORTH,</p> + + <p>And to quote her own words—"As a matter of + fact,</p> + + <p>I've a couple of costumes for every act."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then there follows a list of the things she has + bought,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though I'm puzzled indeed as to what it + may mean.</p> + + <p>She is painfully pat in her jargon of satin,</p> + + <p class="i2">Alpaca, nun's veiling, tulle, silk, + grenadine,</p> + + <p>And she asks me to say if I honestly think</p> + + <p>She should die in pearl-grey, golden-brown, or + shrimp-pink?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So here I am left in this pitiful plight.</p> + + <p class="i2">With nothing but dresses, what <i>am</i> + I to do?</p> + + <p>For I haven't a notion what kind of emotion</p> + + <p class="i2">Is suited to coral or proper for + blue;</p> + + <p>And if, when she faints, but they think she is + dead,</p> + + <p>Old-gold or sea-green would be better than red.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Will crushed strawberry do for an afternoon + call?</p> + + <p class="i2">For the evening would salmon or olive be + right?</p> + + <p>May a charming young fellow embrace her in + yellow?</p> + + <p class="i2">Must she sorrow in black? Must I wed her + in white?</p> + + <p>Till, dazed and bewildered, my eyesight grows + dim,</p> + + <p>And my head, throbbing wildly, commences to + swim.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twere folly and madness to try any more,</p> + + <p class="i2">I know what I'll do—in a letter + to-day</p> + + <p>I will just tell her plainly how utterly vainly</p> + + <p class="i2">I've striven and struggled to finish her + play;</p> + + <p>And then—happy thought!—I will mildly + suggest</p> + + <p>That she'll find for her purpose BUCHANAN the + best.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I shall now write a play without dresses at all,</p> + + <p class="i2">A plan, which I'm sure will be perfectly + new.</p> + + <p>Yet opposed to convention, why merely the + mention</p> + + <p class="i2">Of a thing so immodest will startle a + few;</p> + + <p>And, although it's a pity, I shrewdly suspect</p> + + <p>The Lord Chamberlain might deem it right to + object.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Better still! from the French I will boldly + convey</p> + + <p class="i2">What will be (in two senses) the talk of + the town.</p> + + <p>You insist on a moral? Well, pray do not quarrel</p> + + <p class="i2">With the one that I now for your guidance + lay down,</p> + + <p>That of excellent maxims this isn't the + worst—</p> + + <p><i>Let the play, not the dresses, be settled the + first!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SOMETHING IN A NAME.—What a happily appropriate name + for the Chief Magistrate of so fashionable a watering-place as + Brighton is Mr. SOPER! Whether he is soft SOPER, or Hard SOPER, + or Scented SOPER, it matters not; it is only a pity that after + his year of office, if the Brightonian Bathers can spare him, + he should not be transferred to Windsor. Old Windsor + SOPER—what a splendid title for the Mayor of the Royal + town! No doubt he will show himself active and energetic during + his Mayoralty, and that at Brighton henceforth a totally + opposite meaning from the ordinary one will be given to the + description of a speech as "a SOPER-ific." At east, it is 'oped + so, for the sake of SOPER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/275.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/275.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>EXPERIENTIA DOCET.</h3> + + <p>"AND ARE <i>YOU</i> GOING TO GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR MY + BIRTHDAY, AUNTY MAUD?"</p> + + <p>"OF COURSE, DARLING."</p> + + <p>"THEN <i>DON'T</i> LET IT BE <i>SOMETHING + USEFUL!</i>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday Night, November</i> + 25.—New Session opened to-day. Remarkable gathering of + Members in the Lords to hear Queen's Speech read. Unusual + excitement, though heroically restrained in presence of LORD + CHANCELLOR, supported on Woolsack by four figures in red cloaks + and cocked hats, borrowed for occasion from Madame Tussaud's. + HALSBURY lost his temper once when Commission being read. + Tussaud's man, sent down to work the figures—make them + take off their cocked hats and nod upon cue being given by + Reading Clerk—was on duty for first time; much interested + in arrival of Commons at the Bar; instead of lying low behind + Woolsack and minding his business, kept poking his head round + to peer forth on scene. At last, LORD CHANCELLOR in hoarse + whisper threatened to send him to Clock Tower if he didn't + behave properly.</p> + + <p>After this all went well; figures bringing their right elbow + up with a jerk, took off their hats at precisely right moment, + and replaced them without a hitch. They were labelled "Lord + LATHOM," "Earl of COVENTRY," "Lord BROWNLOW," and "Lord + KNUTSFORD." LORD CHANCELLOR sat in the middle. The ladies on + floor of House watched them with much interest.</p> + + <p>"Such <i>dear</i> old things," said one, when the figure + labelled "Earl of COVENTRY" cleverly pretended to sneeze. "I + wish they'd do it all over again; but I suppose the springs + have run down."</p> + + <p>In the Commons, everyone on the look out for PARNELL. What + would he do? Where would he sit? What would he say? Or, would + he come at all? Nobody knew. Some suspected last guess most + probable. Towards Three o'Clock whisper went round that he was + here. SARK had seen him crossing Lobby, with green spectacles + and umbrella, and his hair died crimson. Was now in room with + Irish Party, arranging about Leadership. Understood before + House met that he was to retire from Leadership till fumes from + Divorce Court had passed away. Then alliance between Home + Rulers and Liberals would go on as before, and all would be + well. Ministerialists downcast at this prospect; Liberals + chirpy; a great difficulty avoided. Soon be in smooth water + again.</p> + + <p>Waiting in House for business to commence. SPEAKER away for + cause that saddens everyone; COURTNEY to take the Chair at Four + o'Clock; meeting of Irish Members still going forward. When + business concluded, PARNELL would quietly walk out; they would + take their places, and things would go on as if no one had + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page276" + id="page276"></a>[pg 276]</span> ever heard of Eltham, of + alarums and excursions, of exits by fire-escapes, and + entrances by back doors.</p> + + <p>Thinking of these things, I was standing by + Sergeant-at-Arms' chair; heard a scuffling noise behind; looked + round, and lo! there was PARNELL entering House by + Distinguished Strangers' Gallery, descending by swarming down + the end pillar, which supports Gallery from floor of House.</p> + + <p>"Good gracious!" I cried. "What are you doing?"</p> + + <p>"I'm catching the last post," said PARNELL, smiling blandly, + as, reaching the floor, he unclasped arms and legs from the + pillar and quietly walked over to his ordinary place as if this + were the usual way of an Hon. Member approaching his seat.</p> + + <p>Direful news rapidly spread. PARNELL not going to retire + from Leadership! On contrary, meant to stay, ignoring little + events brought to light in the Divorce Court. Ministerialists + jubilant; Liberals depressed; the whole situation changed; + prospects of Liberal supremacy, so certain yesterday, suddenly + blighted; talk of Mr. G. retiring from the fray; spoke on + Address just now, but no fight left in him; the Opposition + wrung out like a damp cloth; even GEORGE CAMPBELL dumb, and Dr. + CLARK indefinitely postponed Amendment long threatened. By ten + o'clock the whole thing had flickered out. Address, which of + late has taken three weeks to pass, agreed to in three + hours.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/276-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/276-1.png" + alt="" /></a>Up a Tree. + </div> + + <p>Mr. G. went off as soon as OLD MORALITY had finished his + modest speech. Walked with him across the Park to Carlton + Terrace. Haven't seen him to speak to since Midlothian. What a + change! Then elate, confident, energetic, tingling with life to + his finger-ends; to-night shrunken, limp, despondent, almost + heart-broken.</p> + + <p>"Don't you think, Sir," I said, "that, after to-day's + experience, Home Rule has a new terror? You remember how, seven + or eight years ago, the Irish Members used to stand up in the + House and personally vilify you. Then, when you came round to + their side, the very same men beslabbered you with fulsome + adulation. Now, when there is another parting of the ways, when + you pit yourself, your authority, and your character, against + their chosen Leader, they rudely turn their backs on you, and + tell you to mind your own business. How'll it be, do you think, + when you've finally served their purpose, and made possible the + accomplishment of their aim? When you have made them Masters in + Dublin, will they care any more for the views and prejudices of + you and your Liberal Party than they have done to-day?"</p> + + <p>"TOBY, dear boy," said Mr. G., "you're a young dog yet. When + you come to my age, you'll have learned that there is no + gratitude in politics. But we won't talk of it any more. I'm a + little tired to-night."</p> + + <p>So we walked in silence up the steps, by the Duke of YORK's + Column.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Address agreed to. Mr. P. flouts + Mr. G.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—House up at twenty minutes to Six, + having got through rattling lot of business. Prince ARTHUR been + sailing up and down floor, bringing in Land Bills and Railway + Bills. HICKS-BEACH depressed with legacy of Tithes Bill.</p> + + <p>"Cheer up, BEACH," says CRANBORNE, tugging at his moustache + à la GRANDOLPH; "you may depend upon me. Keep your eye on your + young friend, and he will pull you through."</p> + + <p>"Thank you," said BEACH, with something more than his + customary effusive manner.</p> + + <p>JACKSON toying round the table, packing and unpacking + papers, looking at his watch and the clock, vaguely whistling, + and absently rubbing his hands.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter?" I asked. "You seem out of sorts."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/276-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/276-2.png" + alt="" /></a>Mr. P-rn-ll turns his Back on Public + Opinion. + </div> + + <p>"Matter!" he cried. "Why, twenty minutes to Six is the + matter, and here's all the work done and the House up. It's + absolutely demoralising; portends something uncanny. On Tuesday + we got through the Address in a single short sitting; + yesterday, after meeting at noon, had to adjourn for three + hours and a half; filled up remainder of time with bringing in + Bills; To-day we have an Irish Land Bill brought in and read a + First Time, after a Debate confined to SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S + GATE, and WILFRID LAWSON. Nothing like it seen for sixteen + years. If this kind of thing goes on, you know, we'll get all + the work of the Session done in three months, and perhaps done + better than when it took nine. It's the suddenness that knocks + me over, TOBY. They ought to be more considerate, and begin + more gently."</p> + + <p>Great commotion in Irish circles. Scene slightly shifted. It + seems that Irish Members in re-electing PARNELL on Tuesday, + thought he would relieve them of difficulty by forthwith + resigning. Mr. P. doesn't take that view; thinks it would be + rude, after having been unanimously elected, to appear to + undervalue such remarkable, spontaneous act of confidence; + doesn't care a rap for public opinion.</p> + + <p>"<i>J'y suis, et j'y reste</i>," he says, smiling sweetly + round the table, where his friends forlornly sit.</p> + + <p>"Begorra!" says Mr. O'KEEF, indignantly, "it's bad enough to + have him ruining us and the counthry, without using + blasphaymious language."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Everything on the paper.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/276-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/276-3.png" + alt="" /></a>"Bless-you-my-child!" + </div> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>.—Louis JENNINGS made capital + speech to-night on Motion challenging commutation of certain + perpetual pensions. Seems, among other little jobs, we, the + tax-payers of Great Britain, with Income-tax at sixpence in the + pound, have been paying pension of £2,000 a year to descendant + of the late ELLEN GWYNNE. Select Committee appointed by present + Government to consider whole matter, recommended that no + pension should be commuted at rate so high as twenty-seven + years' purchase. JOKIM, generous with other people's money, + flies in face of recommendation, and comfortably rounds off one + or two of these little jobs with gratuity of twenty-seven + years' purchase. Cheerful to hear this sort of thing denounced + in breezy fashion from Conservative Benches. JENNINGS, amid + loud cheers, hits straight out from the shoulder. WALTER FOSTER + quite delighted. "Bless you, my child," he says, "you ought to + belong to the Radical Party." <i>Business + done</i>.—Agreed that, up to Christmas, Government shall + have all the time.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CHRISTMAS CARDS.—"Here we are again!" as they come + tumbling in, fresh from the hands of the publishers, + HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER. More artistic than ever!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A NEW BANK OF ENGLAND NOTE.—"The force o' this 'ere + observation lies in the Barings of it."—<i>Cap'en Cuttle + adapted</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROBABLE PUBLICATION.—<i>Correct to a Shade</i>. (A + book of ghostly counsel.) By the Author of <i>Betrayed by a + Shadow</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WORLDLY-WISE MOTTO FOR THE WRANGLERS ABOUT "DARKEST + AFRICA."—"Keep it Dark!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ANGLO-FRENCH MOTTO FOR A THOROUGHLY RAINY + DAY.—"<i>Pour Toujours.</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A JOURNALISTIC CITY.—Pressburg.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12739 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12739-h/images/265.png b/12739-h/images/265.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac49a9e --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/265.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/266.png b/12739-h/images/266.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee05591 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/266.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/267.png b/12739-h/images/267.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d10042e --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/267.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/268-1.png b/12739-h/images/268-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f3b2dfc --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/268-1.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/268-2.png b/12739-h/images/268-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..50e03b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/268-2.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/268-3.png b/12739-h/images/268-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..22769cb --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/268-3.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/268-4.png b/12739-h/images/268-4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f0c952 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/268-4.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/268-5.png b/12739-h/images/268-5.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b7795f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/268-5.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/269.png b/12739-h/images/269.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..936ee0b --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/269.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/270.png b/12739-h/images/270.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0c7e8db --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/270.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/271.png b/12739-h/images/271.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0b21cb --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/271.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/273.png b/12739-h/images/273.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..64dba8f --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/273.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/274.png b/12739-h/images/274.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d54c8a --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/274.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/275.png b/12739-h/images/275.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..26781ec --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/275.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/276-1.png b/12739-h/images/276-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6dde7c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/276-1.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/276-2.png b/12739-h/images/276-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..49c9c92 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/276-2.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/276-3.png b/12739-h/images/276-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cb73b17 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/276-3.png |
