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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12739-0.txt b/12739-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..803f7b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1222 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12739 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +December 6, 1890. + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XXII.--THE MANLY MAIDEN. + +The Manly Maiden may be defined as the feminine exaggeration of those +rougher qualities which men display in their intercourse with one +another, or in the pursuit of those sports in which courage, strength, +and endurance play a part. In a fatal moment she conceives the idea +that she can earn the proud title of "a good fellow" by emulating +the fashions and the habits of the robuster sex. She perceives that +men have a liking for men who are strong, bluff, outspoken, and +contemptuous of peril, and she infers mistakenly, that the same +tribute of admiration is certain to be paid to a woman who, setting +the traditions of her sex at defiance, consciously apes the manly +model without a thought of all that the imitation involves. She +forgets that as soon as a woman steps down of her own free will from +the pedestal on which the chivalrous admiration of men has placed her, +she abandons at once her claim to that flattering reticence of speech, +and that specially attentive courtesy of bearing, which are in men the +outward and visible signs of the spiritual grace which they assume +as an attribute of all women. In spite of what the crazy theorists +of the perfect equality school may say, men still continue to expect +and to admire in women precisely those qualities in which they feel +themselves to be chiefly deficient. Their reverence and affection are +bestowed upon her whose voice is ever soft, gentle and low, and whose +mild influence is shed like a balm upon the labours and troubles of +life. Of slang, and of slaps upon the back, of strength, whether of +language or of body, they get enough and to spare amongst themselves, +and they are scarcely to be blamed if at certain moments they should +prefer refinement to roughness, and gentleness to gentlemen. However, +these obvious considerations have no weight with the Manly Maiden. +In fact they never occur to her, and hence arise failures, and +humiliations, and disappointments not a few. + +[Illustration] + +The Manly Maiden is not, as a rule, the natural product of a genuine +country life. The daughter of rich parents, who have spent a great +part of their lives in a centre of commercial activity, she is +introduced to a new home in the country at about the age of fourteen. +Seeing that all those who live in the neighbourhood are in one way or +another associated with outdoor sports, and that the favour in which +the men are held and their fame vary directly as their power to ride +or to shoot straight, she becomes possessed by the notion that she too +must, if she is to please at all, be proficient in the sports of men. +Merely to ride to hounds is, of course, not sufficiently distinctive. +Many women do that, without losing at all the ordinary characteristics +of women. She must ride bare-backed, she must understand a horse's +ailments and his points, she must trudge (in the constant society of +men) over fallows and through turnips in pursuit of partridges, she +must be able to talk learnedly of guns, of powders, and of shot, she +must possess a gun of her own, and think she knows how to use it, she +must own a retriever, and herself make him submissive by the frequent +application of a silver-headed dog-whip. + +These attainments are her ideals of earthly bliss, and she sets out +to realise them with a terrible perseverance. Her father, of course, +knows but little of sport. He is, however, afflicted with the ordinary +desire to shine as a sportsman, and as a host of sportsmen. He +stocks his coverts with game, and invites large shooting parties to +stay with him. He himself takes to a gun as a hen might take to the +water; although, as his daughter contemptuously expresses it, he is +calculated to miss a hippopotamus at ten yards, he seems to imagine, +if one may be permitted to judge from the wild frequency of his shots, +that it is the easiest thing in the world to hit a pheasant or a +partridge flying at ten times that distance. From such a father the +Manly Maiden easily secures permission, first of all, to walk with the +men while they are shooting, and subsequently to carry a gun herself. + +And now the difficulties of the situation begin to make themselves +felt, not, indeed, by her, for she remains sublimely unconscious to +the end, but by the men who are compelled to associate with her upon +her ventures. No man will ever hesitate to rebuke another for carrying +his gun in such a way as to threaten danger; but, when a lady allows +him to inspect the inside of her loaded gun-barrels, or shoots down +the line at an evasive rabbit, he must suffer in silence, and can only +seek compensation for restraining his tongue by incontinently removing +his body to a safe place, where he can neither shoot nor be shot. At +luncheon, however, he may be gratified by hearing the Manly Maiden +rally him on the poor result of his morning's sport. She will then +favour him, at length, with her opinions as to how a driven partridge +or a rocketing pheasant should be shot, flavouring her discourse with +copious extracts from the Badminton books on shooting, and adding here +and there imaginative reminiscences of her own exploits in dealing +death. In the hunting-field she will lose her groom, and babble sport +to the Master, with whom she further ingratiates herself by rating and +lashing one of his favourite hounds, or by heading the fox whenever +he attempts to break away. She then crosses him at an awkward fence, +and considers herself aggrieved by the strong language which breaks +irresistibly from the fallen sportsman's lips. Later on she astonishes +an elderly follower of the hounds by asking him for a draught from his +flask, and completes his amazement by complaining of the thoughtless +manner in which he has diluted his brandy. + +In the evening she will narrate her adventures at length, amidst +a chorus of admiring comments from her fond parents, and their +parasites, and will follow up her triumphs of the day by pursuing the +men into the smoking-room, where she permits one of them to offer +her a cigarette, and imagines that she delights him by accepting it. +On such an occasion she will inform one of her friends that, on the +whole, she has but a poor opinion of Diana of the Ephesians, seeing +that she only hunted with women, and never allowed men to approach +her. From this it may be inferred that her stock of classical +allusions is not quite so accurate and complete as that of a genuine +sportswoman should be. Next morning she may be seen schooling her +horses in the park. She has a touching faith in the use both of spur +and of whip whenever the occasion seems least to demand them, and +she despises the man who rides without rowels, and reverences one who +attempts impossible jumps without discrimination. During the summer +she spends a considerable part of her time in "getting fit" for the +labours of the autumn and winter. Sometimes she even plays cricket, +and has been known to address the ball that bowled her in highly +uncomplimentary terms. + +So the years pass on. She never learns that it is possible for a woman +on certain occasions to be in the way of men, nor does her accuracy +or her care with a gun increase. If she marries at all, she will marry +some feeble creature who has no feeling for sport, and over whom she +can lord it to her heart's content. But it is more probable that she +will remain unwedded, and will develop eventually from a would-be +harding-riding maiden, into a genuinely hard-featured old maid. + + * * * * * + +A MUSICAL POLE STAR. + +The Irish Polar Star Musical, yclept our Paddy REWSKI, gave his last +"recital" at St. James's Hall, Thursday, November 27. Bedad, then, +'tis Misther Paddy REWSKI himself that is the broth of a boy entirely +at the piano-forte, but, Begorra, he's better at the _piano_ than +the _forte._ He gave us a nice mixture of HANDEL, BEETHOVEN, CHOPIN, +LISZT, and then a neat little compo of his own, consisting of a +charming theme, with mighty ingenious and beautiful variations, all +his own, divil a less. Great success for Paddy REWSKI. The Irish Pole, +or Pole-ished Irishman, has thoroughly mastered his art, but if he has +learnt how to master tune he has not yet perfected himself in _keeping +strict time_, as he took his seat at the piano just one quarter of +an hour late. Paddy REWSKI, me bhoy, when next you give us a recital, +remember that punctuality is the soul of business. _Au revoir_, Paddy +REWSKI! + +Yours entirely, JIM KRO MESKI. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS.--Go and see _London Assurance_, with "CHARLES our +friend" in it, at the Criterion. It has, probably, never yet been put +on the stage as it is _hic et nunc_. Well worth seeing as a _curio_. +But what tin-pot nonsense is the Tally-ho speech of _Lady Grace +Harkaway_. And yet it has always "gone," and _London Assurance_ +itself, like the sly Reynard of the speech, has invariably shown good +sport, and given a good run for the money. + + * * * * * + +MAD WAGGERY.--_The Chequers_ is not the name of a wayside inn, but +of one of those modern inventions calculated to help to fill Colney +Hatch. A Puzzle it is, and it can be done--at least so say FELTHAM +& CO. Anyhow, they don't sell the solution, they only provide the +mystery. + + * * * * * + +AN OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS NUMBER (_which is sure not to be +forgotten_).--Number One. + + * * * * * + +A CAUTION TO SNAKES. + +[Illustration: Liberty, in a forest, flees a rattlesnake wearing an +Indian headdress.] + +"There is, however, another opinion prevalent among the less educated +which gives to the Rattle-snake the vindictive spirit of the North +American Indian, and asserts that it adds a new joint to its rattle +whenever it has slain a human being, thus bearing in its tail the +fearful trophies of its prowess, just as the Indians wear the scalps +of slain foes."--_Wood's Natural History_. + + * * * * * + + "INGINS is Snakes!" And from its lair + This snake seems stirring. Who cries "Scare!"? + Well, they who hear the rattle + Close at their heels, its spring will dread, + And wary watch and cautious tread, + And arm as though for battle. + + Even to drive the keen-fanged snake + From its old home in swamp or brake + Irks sensitive humanity; + But they who know the untamed thing, + Have felt its fang, have seen its spring, + Hold mercy mere insanity. + + Untamed, untameable, it hides, + _Anguis in herbâ_, coils and glides, + And strikes when least expected, + And who shall blame its watchful foe + Who stands prepared to strike a blow, + When the swift death's detected? + + In the dark jungle dim and damp + It lurks, and Civilisation's tramp + Disturbs its sanctuary. + Hard on the snake? Perchance, perchance! + But Civilisation, to advance, + Must ruthless be, as wary. + + "Vindictive spirit" of the wild, + 'Twixt you and Progress' pale-faced child + Fated vendetta rages, + And Pity's self stands powerless + To help you counter with success + The onset of the ages. + + Long driven, lingeringly you lurk; + Steel and starvation ply their work + Of slow extermination. + Armed once again Columbia stands, + And who'd arrest avenging hands, + Must challenge--Civilisation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS OF THE BAR. + +A SKETCH IN THE LAW COURTS, SHOWING THE PATIENT AND RESPECTFUL +ATTENTION OF THE COUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFF DURING THE SPEECH OF +COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANT.] + + * * * * * + +The Archbishop of CANTERBURY's learned judgment in the Lincoln Case +was very much after the style in which His Grace parts his hair. It +was a first-rate example of the _Via Media_. + + * * * * * + +A PAGE FROM A POSSIBLE DIARY. + +(_WRITTEN IN THE WILD WEST._) + +_Monday_.--Well, here I am. Guess I have got together a pretty tidy +Army, that should beat BARNUM into small potatoes. The Arabs from +Earl's Court will soon go along straight enough. They seem to miss the +Louvre Theatre over yonder, where they were on the free list. Rather +a pity I can't start a Show here, but I calculate the country is too +disturbed. + +_Tuesday_.--Nothing much doing. Sent along to SMALL BITE, and he has +promised to come round along with a few of the Ghost-Dancers to let +me see what I think of them. Fancy the _ballet_ has been done before. +That clever cuss GUS, must have used it at Covent Garden when he put +up _Robert the Devil_. It seems like the Nun Ballet--uncommonly. + +_Wednesday_.--SMALL BITE is here. He's friendly enough, but his terms +are too high. Fancy they must have been trying to annex him for the +Aquarium. The Ghost-Dance is a fraud. Nothing in it. Might fake +it up a bit with national flags and red fire. But it's decidedly +disappointing. Altogether small pumpkins. + +_Thursday_.--Settlers want to know when I am going to begin. They are +always in such a darned hurry. They ought to know I am the hero of a +hundred fights (see my Autobiography--a few copies of which may still +be had at the almost nominal price of half-a-dollar) and should rely +on me accordingly. Am to visit the Indian Camp to-morrow. + +_Friday_.--Terms agreed. SMALL BITE and fifty braves engage themselves +for six months certain, sharing terms, travelling exes, and one clear +benefit. I find front of the curtain and advertising, they provide +entertainment, which is to include Ghost-Dance (with banners and +red fire) religious rites, war-dance, and scalping expedition +with incidentals (SMALL BITE says he knows "some useful knockabout +niggers") and procession in and out of towns. Think I can boom it. + +_Saturday_.--My connection with war ended. Calculate I start to-morrow +with the Show across the herring-pond, to wake up the Crowned Heads of +Europe! + + * * * * * + +TO THE BIG BACILLICIDE. + + O DOCTOR KOCH, if you can slay + Those horrid germs that kill us, + You'll be _the_ hero of the day, + Great foe of the Bacillus! + What champion may we match with you + In all the world of fable? + St. George, who the Great Dragon slew, + The Knights of ARTHUR's Table, + E'en gallant giant-slaying JACK, + The British nursery's darling; + Or JENNER, against whom the pack + Of faddists now are snarling, + Must second fiddle play to him + Who stayed the plague of phthisis, + And plumbed a mystery more dim + And deep than that of Isis. + For what are Dragons, Laidly Worms, + And such-like mythic scourges, + Compared with microscopic germs + 'Gainst which the war he urges? + Hygeia, goddess, saint, or nymph, + We trust there's no big blunder, + And hope your votary's magic lymph + May prove no nine days' wonder. + We dare not trust each pseudo-seer + Who'd powder, purge, or pill us; + But pyramids to him we'll rear + Who baffles the Bacillus. + + * * * * * + +STRANGE TRANSFORMATION.--From the _Times_ Correspondent, U.S., we +learned, last week, that somebody who had been "a Bull," was now "a +Bear." What next will he be?--A donkey? Or did he begin with this, and +will he end by being a goose? + + * * * * * + +PROSPECT FOR CHRISTMAS.--"TUCK," i.e., RAPHAEL of that ilk. The +"Correct (Christmas) Card." + + * * * * * + +"A PAIR OF SPECTACLES." + +[Illustration] + +The first spectacle classic and Shakspearian: t'other burlesquian, +and PETTIT-cum-SIMS. The one at the Princess's, the other at the +Gaiety. _Place au_ "Divine WILLIAMS"! _Antony and Cleopatra_ is +magnificently put on the stage. The costumes are probably O.K.--"all +correct"--seeing that Mr. LEWIS WINGFIELD pledges his honourable +name for the fact. We might have done with a few less, perhaps, but, +as in the celebrated case of the war-song of the Jingoes, if we've +got the men, and the money too, then there was every reason why the +redoubtable LEWIS (whose name, as brotherly Masons will call to mind, +means "Strength") should have put a whole army of Romans on the stage, +if it so pleased him. + +[Illustration: The Last Scene of Antony and Cleopatra.] + +For its _mise-en-scène_ alone the revival should attract all +London. But there is more than this--there is the clever and careful +impersonation of _Enobarbus_ by His Gracious Heaviness, Mr. ARTHUR +STIRLING; then there is a lighter-comedy touch in the courteous and +gentlemanly rendering of _Octavius Cæsar_ by Mr. F. KEMBLE COOPER--one +of the best things in the piece, but from the inheritor of two such +good old theatrical names, much is expected. And then there is +the _Mark Antony_ of Mr. CHARLES COGHLAN, a rantin', roarin' boy, +this _Antony_, whom no one, I believe, could ever have made really +effective; and finally. Her Graceful Majesty, Mrs. LANGTRY, Queen of +Egyptian Witchery. Now honestly I do not consider _Cleopatra_ a good +part, nor is the play a good play for the matter of that. I believe +it never has been a success, but if, apart from the really great +attraction of gorgeous spectacular effects, there is any one scene +above another which might well draw all London, it is the death of +_Cleopatra_, which to my mind is--after the fall of WOLSEY, and a long +way after, too,--one of the most pathetic pictures ever presented on +the stage. So lonely in her grandeur, so grand, and yet so pitiable in +her loneliness is this poor Queen of Beauty, this Empress-Butterfly, +who can conquer conquerors, and for whose sake not only her noble +lovers, but her poor humble serving-maids, are willing to die. + +[Illustration: The Run of Cleopatra.] + +Her last scene is beyond all compare her best, and to those who are +inclined to be disappointed with the play after the first Act is +over I say, "Wait for the end," and don't leave until the Curtain has +descended on that gracious figure of the Queen of Egypt, attired in +her regal robes, crowned with her diadem, holding her sceptre, but +dead in her chair of state. _Ça donne à penser_. + +_The Gaiety_.--In calling their burlesque _Carmen up to Data_, +possibly the two dear clever boys who wrote it intended some +crypto-jocosity of which the hidden meaning is known only to the +initiated in these sublime mysteries. Why "_Data_"? On the other hand, +"Why not?" + +However attractive or not as a heading in a bill of the play, +the Gaiety _Carmen_ is, on the whole, a merry, bright, and light +burlesque-ish piece, though, except in the costume and make-up of Mr. +ARTHUR WILLIAMS as _Captain Zuniga_, there is nothing extraordinarily +"burlesque" in the appearance of any of the characters, as the +appearance of Mr. HORACE MILLS as _Remendado_ belongs more to +Christmas pantomime than to the sly suggestiveness of real burlesque. + +[Illustration: Scene from the Cigarette History of _Carmen_.] + +As Miss ST. JOHN simply looks, acts, and sings as a genuine _Carmen_, +I can only suppose that her voice is not strong enough for the real +Opera; otherwise I doubt whether any better operatic impersonator of +the real character could be found. She is not the least bit burlesque, +and though the songs she has to sing are nothing like so telling +as those she has had given her in former pieces, yet, through her +rendering, most are encored, and all thoroughly appreciated. + +[Illustration: In for a good Run on the "Bogie" System.] + +Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMS as _Zuniga_ is very droll, reminding some of us, +by his make-up and jerky style, of MILHER as the comic _Valentine_ +in _Le Petit Faust_. Mr. LONNEN is also uncommonly good as the spoony +soldier, and in the telling song of "_The Bogie Man_;" and in the +still more telling dance with which he finishes it and makes his exit, +he makes _the_ hit of the evening,--in fact the hit by which the +piece will he remembered, and to which it owes the greater part of its +success. + +In the authors' latest adaptation of the very ancient "business" of +"the statues"--consisting of a verse, and then an attitude, I was +disappointed, as I had been led to believe that here we should see +what Mr. LONNEN could do in the Robsonian or burlesque-tragedy style. +The brilliancy of the costumes, of the scenery, the grace of the four +dancers, and the excellence of band and chorus, under the direction +of that ancient mariner MEYER LUTZ, are such as are rarely met with +elsewhere. + +Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES may now attend to the building of his new theatre, +as _Carmen up to Data_ will not give him any trouble for some time to +come. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Only a Penny! And well worth every halfpenny of it. I am alluding +to the Christmas Number of the _Penny Illustrated Paper_, in which +appears _A Daughter of the People_, by JOHN LATEY, Junior, who is +Junior than ever in December. Capital Christmas Number, and will +attract an extraordinary number of Christmas readers. + +_The Rosebud Annual_, published by JAMES CLARK & CO., is quite a +bright posy for our very little ones. + +Turning from novels, it is a relief to come across so inviting a +little volume as the _Pocket Atlas, and Gazetteer of Canada_, which +will be found of the greatest possible value to eccentric Londoners +who purpose visiting the Dominion during the coming Winter. + +"_Persicos odi_," but you won't agree with HORACE if you follow this +"_puer apparatus_" of G. NORWAY, who, in _Hussein's Hostage_, gives us +the exciting adventures of a Persian boy. + +_'Twixt School and College_, by GORDON STABLES, has nothing to do +with horsey experiences, as suggested by the author's name, but is the +uneventful home-life of a poor Scotch laddie, who triumphs by dint of +pluck. + +_Nutbrown Roger and I_, by J.H. YOXALL, a romance of the highway, +quite in the correct style of disguises and blunderbusses always so +necessary for a tale of this kind. + +_Disenchantment_ is the--not altogether--enticing title of "an +everyday story," by F. MABEL ROBINSON, author of _The Plan of +Campaign_. It is rather a long tale to tell, for it takes 432 pages +in the unravelling. It ends with a beautiful avowal that "the heart +is no more unchanging than the mind, and that love's not immortal, +but an illusion." As the utterer of this truism is a young married +woman, it would seem that the foundation is laid for a sequel to +_Disenchantment_ that might be appropriately called _Divorce_. + +_The Secret of the Old House_, by EVELYN EVERETT GREEN, who evidently +can't keep a secret to himself, will be so no longer when the children +have satisfied their curiosity by reading the book. + +My faithful "Co." declares that he has been recently hard at work +novel-reading. He has been revelling in an atmosphere of romance. +He has been moved almost to tears by _Lady Hazleton's Confession_, +by Mrs. KENT SPENDER, which, he says, includes, amongst many moving +passages, some glimpses of Parliamentary life. _Friend Olivia_, in +one bulky volume, takes the reader back to the days of CROMWELL, when +people said "hath," instead of "has," and "pray resolve me truly," +instead of "don't sell me;" and "Mr. JOHN MILTON" played upon the +organ. It has a fine old crusty Puritan flavour about it, which, +however, does not prevent the hero and heroine, in the last page, +reading a letter together, "with smiles, and little laughs, and sweet +asides, and sweeter kisses." Altogether, a book to read when a library +does _not_ contain WALTER SCOTT, ALEXANDRE DUMAS _père_, G.P.R. JAMES, +or HARRISON AINSWORTH. _Two Masters_ deals with passages in the life +of a young lady who is described as "a Boarding-school Miss" in Volume +I., and "a young she-fiend" in Volume III. However, it is only right +to say, that the last compliment is paid to her by a gentlemanly +murderer, who takes poison and a cigarette, with a view to escaping a +justly-deserved death on the gallows. From this it may be seen, that +the novel is at times slightly sensational. Fearing that his Christmas +might be saddened by this last ghastly incident, were not the +impression created by it partially removed by less highly-seasoned +fare, my faithful "Co." has also read _Mary Hamilton, a Tale for +Girls, My Schoolfellows_, and _Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble_. He considers +the first admirably adapted to the comprehension of the readers to +whom it is addressed, only the girls, he says, should be _very_ young +girls. _My Schoolfellows_ he intends reading again when he has reached +his second childhood, when he fancies he will be better pleased with +the humours of "_Guzzling Gus_" and "_Ned Never Mind_." In conclusion, +he admits that he is a little doubtful about the merits or demerits of +_Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble_. He explains, that while he was reading it +he "fell a thinking," and that when he woke up, the volume was lying +on the floor. Since then, he adds, he really has not had the leisure +to pick it up. + +_The Snake's Pass_, by BRAM STOKER, M.A. (SAMPSON LOW), is a simple +love-story, a pure idyl of Ireland, which does not seem, after all, to +be so distressful a country to live in. Whiskey punch flows like milk +through the land; the loveliest girls abound, and seem instinctively +to be drawn towards the right man. Also there are jooled crowns to be +found by earnest seekers, with at least one large packing-case crammed +with rare coins. The love-scenes are frequent and tempting. BRAM has +an eye to scenery, and can describe it. He knows the Irish peasant, +and reproduces his talk with a fidelity which almost suggests that he, +too, is descended from one of the early kings, whereas, as everyone +knows, he lives in London and adds grace and dignity to "the front" of +the Lyceum on First Nights and others. He is perfectly overwhelming +in his erudition in respect of the science of drainage, which, if all +stories be true, he might find opportunity of turning to account in +the every-day (or, rather, every-night) world of the theatre. In his +novel he utilises it in the preliminaries of shifting a mighty bog, +the last stages whereof are described in a chapter that, for sustained +interest, recalls CHARLES READE's account of the breaking of the +Sheffield Reservoir. The novel-reader will do well not to pass by _The +Snake's Pass_. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +RED VERSUS BLACK. + +(_TWO VIEWS OF THE SAME PLACE, BY GENTLEMEN "WHO WRITE TO THE +PAPERS."_) + +_Opinion No. 1._--Monte Carlo! One of the most disgraceful places in +Europe--a blot upon our civilisation. The gambling is productive of +the greatest possible misery. It is an institution that should be held +up to the execration of mankind. All the riffraff of the globe are +attracted to this hideous spot. The place is like an upas-tree, under +which everything noble and good languishes and dies! The form of +Government is absolutely immoral. It is a scandal that rates, and +taxes, and public improvements should be paid for out of the private +purse of the Director. He could not afford it had he not made a +fortune out of his ill-gotten gains! Anyone who has watched at +the tables knows that the chances are absolutely unfair--that the +Direction must win. Not that this matters much. It is the general +immorality of the place that is so alarming. The place should be +closed at once; and persons who have lost anything, say, during the +last year, should have their money promptly returned to them. And I +say this without any bias, although I _did_ back Red, and Black came +up ten times running! + +P.S.--Just won a trifle. Not so sure that my pessimist view may not be +modified. + +_Opinion No. 2._--Monte Carlo! Without exception, the loveliest +spot in Europe. The so-called gambling is the cause of numberless +blessings. It is an institution that should be held up to the +admiration of mankind. All the aristocracy of the civilised world +flock to it to indulge in a recreation to which only the greatly +prejudiced can possibly take exception. The Government is benevolent +to the last degree. In what other country are rates, taxes, and +improvements paid for you? If the Director were not the best of men, +how could this be done? The play itself is absolutely fair. And, with +a system, and a sufficiency of capital, anyone is able to realise a +large fortune in less than no time. Not that this absolute certainty +should be taken into consideration. It is the general morality of the +place that is so encouraging. The place should never close. And it +would be a graceful thing if those who have laid in a store for their +old age were to return a trifle, to be expended on some charity. And +I say this without any bias, although I have backed Black ten times +successfully. + +P.S.--Just lost all I had. Not so sure that my optimist view is not +open to rectification! + + * * * * * + +BULL AND BULLION. + +(_ON GOLD, AFTER GOLDSMITH._) + + When British Commerce stoops to folly, + And finds too late that Bonds betray, + What charm can soothe her melancholy, + And the big rush for bullion stay? + + To save herself from shameful ruin + (Ask Monsieur LAUR!) her only chance + Lies--full revenge for Waterloo!--in + Big borrowings from generous France. + + * * * * * + +_Mr. Punch Among the Planets_ is the title of _Mr. Punch's_ Christmas +Number, _vice_ Almanack superseded. Ask for this, and "see that you +get it"! + + * * * * * + +VOX STELLARUM.--The New Comet, November 19, Boston, U.S., suddenly +appeared, and was heard to exclaim, "But, soft! I am observed!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENES OF CLERICAL LIFE.--A DIOCESAN CONFERENCE. + +"LOOK 'ERE, BILL! BLEST IF THESE BEAN'T A LOT O' PARSONS ON STRIKE!"] + + * * * * * + +"SEPARATISTS." + +(_FRAGMENTS OF A MODERN "MARMION."_) + + "But DOUGLAS round him drew his cloak, + Folded his arms, and thus he spoke:-- + * * * * * + 'The hand of DOUGLAS is his own, + And never shall in friendly grasp + The hand of such as MARMION clasp.'" + * * * * * + + "The hand of such as MARMION!" Ay! + Great Singer of the knightly lay, + Thy tale of Flodden field + Is darkened by unknightly stain. + That slackened arm and burdened brain + Of him found low among the slain, + Constrained at last to yield + To a mere "base marauder's lance;" + He, firm of front and cold of glance, + The dark, the dauntless MARMION.-- + The days of chivalry are gone, + Dispraisers of the present say, + Yet men arm still for party fray + As fierce as foray old; + And mail is donned, and steel is drawn, + And champions challenging at dawn + Ere night lie still and cold. + Two champions here 'midst loud applause, + Have led the lists in a joint cause + On many a tourney morn, + Have fought to vanward in the field + Full many an hour, and, sternly steeled, + One banner forward borne. + And now--ah, well, as DOUGLAS old + On MARMION looked sternly cold, + So looks this Chieftain grey + On his old comrade, though the fight + Is forward now, and many a knight + Is arming for the fray. + As "the demeanour changed and cold + Of DOUGLAS fretted MARMION bold," + Has this old greyhaired Chieftain's chill + Fretted that man of icy will? + Who knows--or cares to know? + At least he "has to learn ere long + That constant mind, and hate of wrong" + Than steely pride are yet more strong; + That shame can strike a blow + At comradeship more fatal far + Than any chance of fateful war + When faction howled with Cerberus throat, + When falsehood struck a felon stroke, + When forgery did its worst + To pull its hated quarry down, + To dim, disarm, degrade, discrown. + Against the array accurst + That ancient chief made gallant head, + Dismayed not, nor disquieted + At rancour's rude assault. + He shared opprobrium undeserved, + But not for that had courage swerved, + Or loyalty made default. + But now? The hand that reared hath razed; + And as old ANGUS stood amazed + At WILTON's shameful tale, + So fealty here must bend the brow, + And faith, though sorely tried, till now + Surviving, faint and fail; + As DOUGLAS round him drew his cloak, + So, saddened by unknightly stroke, + The ancient chief must draw; + Nor in mere pharisaic scorn, + But in the name of faith foresworn + And honour's broken law. + + "'Tis pity of him, too!" 'Twas so, + The half-relenting ANGUS, low + Spake in his snowy beard. + "Bold can he speak, and fairly ride: + I warrant him a warrior tried." + A foeman to be feared, + A leader to be trusted, seemed + This dark, cold chief, and few had dreamed + Of such strange severance. + And any not ignoble eye + In sorrow more than mockery + Aside will gladly glance. + 'Tis pity of it! Right or wrong, + The Cause needs champions true as strong, + And blameless as they're bold. + "A sinful heart makes feeble hand," + Cried MARMION, his "failing brand" + Cursing with lips grown cold. + Let vulgar venom triumph here, + And hate, itself from shame not clear, + Make haste to hurl the stone; + A nobler foe will stand aside, + And more in sorrow than in pride, + Not hot to harry or deride, + Like DOUGLAS in his halls abide, + But keep his hand--his own! + + * * * * * + +FROM A THEATRICAL CORRESPONDENT.--Sir,--I know a lot about London +and N.B., but never till now did I know of the existence of 'ARRY +in Scotland. The character is now represented, as I am informed, +on the stage, by Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, who, in a play called _Back_, +impersonates the MAC ARRY. Odd, this! for the McCOCKNIE. P.S.--One +lives and learns. [*** If McCOCKNIE is to learn much, he will have to +become a McMETHUSELAH. The piece to which he alludes is _Called Back_, +by HUGH CONWAY and COMYNS CARR, and the part in it, excellently played +by Mr. TREE, is _Macari_, an Italian.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SEPARATISTS." + +Douglas ... Mr. Gl-dst-ne. Marmion ... Mr. P-rn-ll. + +Douglas. "THE HAND OF DOUGLAS IS HIS OWN; AND NEVER SHALL IN FRIENDLY +GRASP THE HAND OF SUCH AS MARMION CLASP!"--_Marmion_, Canto VI.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY VERY MUCH AT SEA. + +(_AN INCIDENT OF MR. ASHMEAD-BARTLETT'S RECENT TOUR IN IRELAND._) + +_Mr. A.B._ "WHY PAT, MY LAD, I SEE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN OF HERE. THESE +POTATOES ARE REMARKABLY FINE!" + +_Pat_. "BEDAD, SOR, BUT THEY'RE NOT PRATIES AT ALL, AT ALL. SHURE, +IT'S THE TURNIPS YOUR HONOUR'S LOOKING AT!"] + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +"The Royal Society of Painters in Water-Colours?" said young PAR. +"Nonsense! why all the water is frozen now, and so they can't paint!" +"Precisely," replied I; "and that's why it is a nice exhibition!" +This so startled Young PAR that he slipped and fell. I turned into +the Gallery in Pall Mall, and left him sitting on the cold hard flags +outside. Inside pleasant enough. BIRKET FOSTER's "_Island of Rum_" +very comforting--should like some hot. HERBERT MARSHALL--our own +City MARSHALL--has gone further afield, to "_Old Chelsea_." Should +now be called the Field MAR SHALL. MATTHEW HALE, in "_Gathering +Blackberries_," is a hail fellow well met! "_The Corso, Verona_," by +S.J. HODSON, shows that HODSON's choice is a good one. HENRY MOORE's +sea-pieces--the more the merrier, say I. "_Warkworth--Sunlit Shower_," +by A.W. HUNT: a walk worth taking when the hunt is up. "_Holidays Past +and Future_," suggests wide subjects and open spaces. Why, then, is +it painted by SMALLFIELD? "_Wreck of the Halswell_," is a terrible +catastrophe. Can't be "All's Well." Possibly the painter, G.H. +ANDREWS, means "all swell"--that seems a great deal more likely. +ALBERT GOODWIN shows himself to be a good winner in the "_Ponte +Vecchio, Florence_." DU MAURIER delights us with some clever Society +sketches in pen and pencil. The veteran, Sir JOHN GILBERT, is as +young, as dashing, as vigorous as ever. H.G. GLINDONI has two pictures +full of humour and character. STACY MARKS' "_Cockatoo_" looks as if +it had just flown in from the Zoo. "_Au Sgarnach_," by C.B. PHILLIP. +Title difficult to understand. Landscape easy to comprehend. A close +study of Nature, admirably painted. A wholesome Phillippic against +namby-pamby prettiness. "_On the Thames_," by G.A. FRIPP, honestly +painted, and no frippery about it. Miss CLARA MONTALBA has a large +number of pictures of Venice--and Mr. RIDGE comes up and says he is +the Keeper. What Keeper? He whispers, he is the Keeper of the Cold +Out--What an oridginal remark!--and will I step into the Committee +Room? I do, and remain there, and continue to be + +Yours par-adoxically, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE HOPERA. + +I was habel the other day to do BROWN a good turn by getting him +engaged at won of our big Otels, so he kindly offerd to stand a +supper, and then take me to the Hopera at Common Garden. We went to +see _Horfay_. + +It seems that wunce upon a time, ever so many thowsand years ago, +before there was not no Lord Mares, nor no Shirryffs, nor not ewen +no Aldermen, a Gent of the name of _Horfay_ lived in Grease. He was +the werry grandest Fiddler of his time, a regler JOEY KIM. Well, he +married a werry bewtiful wife, of the name of _Yourridisee_, and they +was both werry appy, till one day, as she was a having a run in a +field, a norrid serpent bit her in her heel; so she died. Well, while +poor _Mr. Horfay_ is a telling us all about his trubbel, in comes a +werry bewtiful young lady with a pair of most bewtiful wings on, and +she werry kindly gives him a new sort of magic Fiddle, called, as I +was told, A Liar! to go to--go down to _you kno where_, to git his +wife back! Off he goes, and the neks sean shows us the werry plaice, +all filled with savidges, and demons, and snakes, and things; and +presently, when _Mr. Horfay_ is seen a cumming down, all the demons +and savidges runs at him to stop him; but he holds up the Liar, and +begins for to sing, and most bewtifully too, tho' I didn't kno the +tune; they all makes way for him, and he gos bang into lots of big +flames, and so I werry naterally thort as how it was all over. But +not a bit of it, for in the werry next sean we sees him with his Liar +in a most lovly garden, all full of most lovly flowers and trees, and +numbers of bewtiful ladies, a dancing and enjoying theirselves like +fun, until his Liar leads him rite up to his wife, and then he raps +harf his scarf round her, and off they gos together, both on 'em +dowtless a longing for a reel nupshal kiss, but poor _Mr. Horfay_ not +a daring for to look at her, becoz if he does before he gets her home, +she will be ded again direckly! Was there hever such a tanterlising +case ever known! When she sings to him to give her one loving look, +he sings to her to say he mustn't, until at larst she sets down on a +nice cumferel-looking sofy, as appens for to be in the werry middel of +the street, and says, werry artfully, as she carn't go not one step +farther, when in course he turns round, and rushes up to her to have +one fond embrace, and, thank goodness, they has it, and then she falls +back dead! + +Well, now, I knos as I'm ony a mere Hed Waiter, and, therefore, not +xpected to have any werry fine feelings, like my betters has, but + +I do declare that, when I saw this sad, sad end to all that grand +amount of reel true Love, the tears run down my cheeks like rain, and +I was a getting up to go away, when presently in came the lovly angel +again, whose name I was told was Love, and told him that such love +as his could conker Death itself; and she brort the pore wife to life +again, and all hended, as all things shood end, jovial, and cumferal, +and happy. What a wunderful thing is Music! It didn't seem at all +strange to me that not one single word was spoke all the heavening, +but ewery word sung, and in a forren tung, too, that I didn't +hunderstand, the bewtiful story kep my atention fixt the hole time, +and I warked home in the poring rain, werry thankful, and jest a +leetle prowd, that in one thing, at least, I was not xacly like BROWN, +who slept carm and content thro the hole of the larst hact. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +THE FATE OF SALVATION ARMY GENERALS. + + "Each General is, by a deed of appointment, executed and + placed in safe custody with certain formalities, &c."--_Gen. + Booth's Letter to the Times, Nov._ 27. + +This is dreadful! Why should the Generals be executed? What have they +done to deserve this cruel fate? And what is the use of placing them +in safe custody _after_ they have been executed? And what are the +"certain formalities"? We pause for a reply to all these questions. + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE.--CHRISTMAS IS COMING.--In the _Morning Post_, one day last +week, appeared an announcement to the effect that Madame NOËL had +left one residence in the West End for another in the same quarter. +Odd this, just now. But go where she will, _Le bon père_ NOËL will be +in London and the country on the 25th instant; so the best way is to +prepare to receive Father Christmas. + + * * * * * + +SO-HO, THERE!--Some persons think that the proper place for "The +Pelican" ought still to be--the wilderness. + + * * * * * + +NOVELTY.--Quartette for three players--"Whist! the Dumby Man!" + + * * * * * + +EDUCATIONAL WORK (BY C.S. P-RN-LL).--_The Crammer's Guide to +Politics_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IRISH ACTORS IN AMERICA.] + + * * * * * + +A DRESS DRAMA. + +(BY A PERPLEXED PLAYWRIGHT.) + + I've got myself into a horrible mess, + Of that there can be no manner of doubt, + And my forehead is aching, because I've been making + A desperate effort to get myself out, + And I'm given away, so it seemeth to me, + Like a threepenny vase with a pound of tea. + + I promised an actress to write her a play, + With herself, of course, in the leading part, + With abundance of bathos paraded as pathos, + And a gallery death of a broken heart-- + It's a capital plan, I find, to try + To arrange a part where the audience cry. + + So I quickly think of a beautiful plot, + The interest ne'er for an instant flags; + The sorrowful ending is almost heart-rending, + As the heroine comes on in tatters and rags. + It is better than aught I have thought of before, + And will certainly run for a twelvemonth or more. + + Yet, alas! for my prospect of glory and gain, + She has strangled my play at its moment of birth, + For now she has written to say she is smitten + With the newest designs and creations of WORTH, + And to quote her own words--"As a matter of fact, + I've a couple of costumes for every act." + + Then there follows a list of the things she has bought, + Though I'm puzzled indeed as to what it may mean. + She is painfully pat in her jargon of satin, + Alpaca, nun's veiling, tulle, silk, grenadine, + And she asks me to say if I honestly think + She should die in pearl-grey, golden-brown, or shrimp-pink? + + So here I am left in this pitiful plight. + With nothing but dresses, what _am_ I to do? + For I haven't a notion what kind of emotion + Is suited to coral or proper for blue; + And if, when she faints, but they think she is dead, + Old-gold or sea-green would be better than red. + + Will crushed strawberry do for an afternoon call? + For the evening would salmon or olive be right? + May a charming young fellow embrace her in yellow? + Must she sorrow in black? Must I wed her in white? + Till, dazed and bewildered, my eyesight grows dim, + And my head, throbbing wildly, commences to swim. + + 'Twere folly and madness to try any more, + I know what I'll do--in a letter to-day + I will just tell her plainly how utterly vainly + I've striven and struggled to finish her play; + And then--happy thought!--I will mildly suggest + That she'll find for her purpose BUCHANAN the best. + + I shall now write a play without dresses at all, + A plan, which I'm sure will be perfectly new. + Yet opposed to convention, why merely the mention + Of a thing so immodest will startle a few; + And, although it's a pity, I shrewdly suspect + The Lord Chamberlain might deem it right to object. + + Better still! from the French I will boldly convey + What will be (in two senses) the talk of the town. + You insist on a moral? Well, pray do not quarrel + With the one that I now for your guidance lay down, + That of excellent maxims this isn't the worst-- + _Let the play, not the dresses, be settled the first!_ + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING IN A NAME.--What a happily appropriate name for the Chief +Magistrate of so fashionable a watering-place as Brighton is Mr. +SOPER! Whether he is soft SOPER, or Hard SOPER, or Scented SOPER, it +matters not; it is only a pity that after his year of office, if the +Brightonian Bathers can spare him, he should not be transferred to +Windsor. Old Windsor SOPER--what a splendid title for the Mayor of the +Royal town! No doubt he will show himself active and energetic during +his Mayoralty, and that at Brighton henceforth a totally opposite +meaning from the ordinary one will be given to the description of a +speech as "a SOPER-ific." At east, it is 'oped so, for the sake of +SOPER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET. + +"AND ARE _YOU_ GOING TO GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY, AUNTY +MAUD?" + +"OF COURSE, DARLING." + +"THEN _DON'T_ LET IT BE _SOMETHING USEFUL!_"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Tuesday Night, November 25_.--New Session opened +to-day. Remarkable gathering of Members in the Lords to hear Queen's +Speech read. Unusual excitement, though heroically restrained in +presence of LORD CHANCELLOR, supported on Woolsack by four figures +in red cloaks and cocked hats, borrowed for occasion from Madame +Tussaud's. HALSBURY lost his temper once when Commission being read. +Tussaud's man, sent down to work the figures--make them take off their +cocked hats and nod upon cue being given by Reading Clerk--was on +duty for first time; much interested in arrival of Commons at the Bar; +instead of lying low behind Woolsack and minding his business, kept +poking his head round to peer forth on scene. At last, LORD CHANCELLOR +in hoarse whisper threatened to send him to Clock Tower if he didn't +behave properly. + +After this all went well; figures bringing their right elbow up with a +jerk, took off their hats at precisely right moment, and replaced them +without a hitch. They were labelled "Lord LATHOM," "Earl of COVENTRY," +"Lord BROWNLOW," and "Lord KNUTSFORD." LORD CHANCELLOR sat in the +middle. The ladies on floor of House watched them with much interest. + +"Such _dear_ old things," said one, when the figure labelled "Earl of +COVENTRY" cleverly pretended to sneeze. "I wish they'd do it all over +again; but I suppose the springs have run down." + +In the Commons, everyone on the look out for PARNELL. What would he +do? Where would he sit? What would he say? Or, would he come at all? +Nobody knew. Some suspected last guess most probable. Towards Three +o'Clock whisper went round that he was here. SARK had seen him +crossing Lobby, with green spectacles and umbrella, and his hair died +crimson. Was now in room with Irish Party, arranging about Leadership. +Understood before House met that he was to retire from Leadership till +fumes from Divorce Court had passed away. Then alliance between Home +Rulers and Liberals would go on as before, and all would be well. +Ministerialists downcast at this prospect; Liberals chirpy; a great +difficulty avoided. Soon be in smooth water again. + +Waiting in House for business to commence. SPEAKER away for cause that +saddens everyone; COURTNEY to take the Chair at Four o'Clock; meeting +of Irish Members still going forward. When business concluded, PARNELL +would quietly walk out; they would take their places, and things +would go on as if no one had ever heard of Eltham, of alarums and +excursions, of exits by fire-escapes, and entrances by back doors. + +Thinking of these things, I was standing by Sergeant-at-Arms' chair; +heard a scuffling noise behind; looked round, and lo! there was +PARNELL entering House by Distinguished Strangers' Gallery, descending +by swarming down the end pillar, which supports Gallery from floor of +House. + +"Good gracious!" I cried. "What are you doing?" + +"I'm catching the last post," said PARNELL, smiling blandly, as, +reaching the floor, he unclasped arms and legs from the pillar and +quietly walked over to his ordinary place as if this were the usual +way of an Hon. Member approaching his seat. + +Direful news rapidly spread. PARNELL not going to retire from +Leadership! On contrary, meant to stay, ignoring little events brought +to light in the Divorce Court. Ministerialists jubilant; Liberals +depressed; the whole situation changed; prospects of Liberal +supremacy, so certain yesterday, suddenly blighted; talk of Mr. G. +retiring from the fray; spoke on Address just now, but no fight +left in him; the Opposition wrung out like a damp cloth; even GEORGE +CAMPBELL dumb, and Dr. CLARK indefinitely postponed Amendment long +threatened. By ten o'clock the whole thing had flickered out. Address, +which of late has taken three weeks to pass, agreed to in three hours. + +[Illustration: Up a Tree.] + +Mr. G. went off as soon as OLD MORALITY had finished his modest +speech. Walked with him across the Park to Carlton Terrace. Haven't +seen him to speak to since Midlothian. What a change! Then elate, +confident, energetic, tingling with life to his finger-ends; to-night +shrunken, limp, despondent, almost heart-broken. + +"Don't you think, Sir," I said, "that, after to-day's experience, Home +Rule has a new terror? You remember how, seven or eight years ago, the +Irish Members used to stand up in the House and personally vilify you. +Then, when you came round to their side, the very same men beslabbered +you with fulsome adulation. Now, when there is another parting of +the ways, when you pit yourself, your authority, and your character, +against their chosen Leader, they rudely turn their backs on you, +and tell you to mind your own business. How'll it be, do you think, +when you've finally served their purpose, and made possible the +accomplishment of their aim? When you have made them Masters in +Dublin, will they care any more for the views and prejudices of you +and your Liberal Party than they have done to-day?" + +"TOBY, dear boy," said Mr. G., "you're a young dog yet. When you come +to my age, you'll have learned that there is no gratitude in politics. +But we won't talk of it any more. I'm a little tired to-night." + +So we walked in silence up the steps, by the Duke of YORK's Column. + +_Business done_.--Address agreed to. Mr. P. flouts Mr. G. + +_Thursday_.--House up at twenty minutes to Six, having got through +rattling lot of business. Prince ARTHUR been sailing up and down +floor, bringing in Land Bills and Railway Bills. HICKS-BEACH depressed +with legacy of Tithes Bill. + +"Cheer up, BEACH," says CRANBORNE, tugging at his moustache à la +GRANDOLPH; "you may depend upon me. Keep your eye on your young +friend, and he will pull you through." + +"Thank you," said BEACH, with something more than his customary +effusive manner. + +JACKSON toying round the table, packing and unpacking papers, looking +at his watch and the clock, vaguely whistling, and absently rubbing +his hands. + +"What's the matter?" I asked. "You seem out of sorts." + +[Illustration: Mr. P-rn-ll turns his Back on Public Opinion.] + +"Matter!" he cried. "Why, twenty minutes to Six is the matter, +and here's all the work done and the House up. It's absolutely +demoralising; portends something uncanny. On Tuesday we got through +the Address in a single short sitting; yesterday, after meeting at +noon, had to adjourn for three hours and a half; filled up remainder +of time with bringing in Bills; To-day we have an Irish Land Bill +brought in and read a First Time, after a Debate confined to SAGE +OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, and WILFRID LAWSON. Nothing like it seen for +sixteen years. If this kind of thing goes on, you know, we'll get all +the work of the Session done in three months, and perhaps done better +than when it took nine. It's the suddenness that knocks me over, TOBY. +They ought to be more considerate, and begin more gently." + +Great commotion in Irish circles. Scene slightly shifted. It seems +that Irish Members in re-electing PARNELL on Tuesday, thought he would +relieve them of difficulty by forthwith resigning. Mr. P. doesn't +take that view; thinks it would be rude, after having been unanimously +elected, to appear to undervalue such remarkable, spontaneous act of +confidence; doesn't care a rap for public opinion. + +"_J'y suis, et j'y reste_," he says, smiling sweetly round the table, +where his friends forlornly sit. + +"Begorra!" says Mr. O'KEEF, indignantly, "it's bad enough to have him +ruining us and the counthry, without using blasphaymious language." + +_Business done_.--Everything on the paper. + +[Illustration: "Bless-you-my-child!"] + +_Friday Night_.--Louis JENNINGS made capital speech to-night on +Motion challenging commutation of certain perpetual pensions. Seems, +among other little jobs, we, the tax-payers of Great Britain, with +Income-tax at sixpence in the pound, have been paying pension of +£2,000 a year to descendant of the late ELLEN GWYNNE. Select Committee +appointed by present Government to consider whole matter, recommended +that no pension should be commuted at rate so high as twenty-seven +years' purchase. JOKIM, generous with other people's money, flies in +face of recommendation, and comfortably rounds off one or two of these +little jobs with gratuity of twenty-seven years' purchase. Cheerful to +hear this sort of thing denounced in breezy fashion from Conservative +Benches. JENNINGS, amid loud cheers, hits straight out from the +shoulder. WALTER FOSTER quite delighted. "Bless you, my child," +he says, "you ought to belong to the Radical Party." _Business +done_.--Agreed that, up to Christmas, Government shall have all the +time. + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS CARDS.--"Here we are again!" as they come tumbling in, fresh +from the hands of the publishers, HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER. More +artistic than ever! + + * * * * * + +A NEW BANK OF ENGLAND NOTE.--"The force o' this 'ere observation lies +in the Barings of it."--_Cap'en Cuttle adapted_. + + * * * * * + +PROBABLE PUBLICATION.--_Correct to a Shade_. (A book of ghostly +counsel.) By the Author of _Betrayed by a Shadow_. + + * * * * * + +WORLDLY-WISE MOTTO FOR THE WRANGLERS ABOUT "DARKEST AFRICA."--"Keep it +Dark!" + + * * * * * + +ANGLO-FRENCH MOTTO FOR A THOROUGHLY RAINY DAY.--"_Pour Toujours._" + + * * * * * + +A JOURNALISTIC CITY.--Pressburg. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., December 6, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12739 *** diff --git a/12739-h/12739-h.htm b/12739-h/12739-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..de63942 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/12739-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1769 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, December 6, 1890.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12739 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 6, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page265" + id="page265"></a>[pg 265]</span> + + <h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. XXII.—THE MANLY MAIDEN.</h3> + + <p>The Manly Maiden may be defined as the feminine exaggeration + of those rougher qualities which men display in their + intercourse with one another, or in the pursuit of those sports + in which courage, strength, and endurance play a part. In a + fatal moment she conceives the idea that she can earn the proud + title of "a good fellow" by emulating the fashions and the + habits of the robuster sex. She perceives that men have a + liking for men who are strong, bluff, outspoken, and + contemptuous of peril, and she infers mistakenly, that the same + tribute of admiration is certain to be paid to a woman who, + setting the traditions of her sex at defiance, consciously apes + the manly model without a thought of all that the imitation + involves. She forgets that as soon as a woman steps down of her + own free will from the pedestal on which the chivalrous + admiration of men has placed her, she abandons at once her + claim to that flattering reticence of speech, and that + specially attentive courtesy of bearing, which are in men the + outward and visible signs of the spiritual grace which they + assume as an attribute of all women. In spite of what the crazy + theorists of the perfect equality school may say, men still + continue to expect and to admire in women precisely those + qualities in which they feel themselves to be chiefly + deficient. Their reverence and affection are bestowed upon her + whose voice is ever soft, gentle and low, and whose mild + influence is shed like a balm upon the labours and troubles of + life. Of slang, and of slaps upon the back, of strength, + whether of language or of body, they get enough and to spare + amongst themselves, and they are scarcely to be blamed if at + certain moments they should prefer refinement to roughness, and + gentleness to gentlemen. However, these obvious considerations + have no weight with the Manly Maiden. In fact they never occur + to her, and hence arise failures, and humiliations, and + disappointments not a few.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/265.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/265.png" + alt="The Manly Maiden." /></a> + </div> + + <p>The Manly Maiden is not, as a rule, the natural product of a + genuine country life. The daughter of rich parents, who have + spent a great part of their lives in a centre of commercial + activity, she is introduced to a new home in the country at + about the age of fourteen. Seeing that all those who live in + the neighbourhood are in one way or another associated with + outdoor sports, and that the favour in which the men are held + and their fame vary directly as their power to ride or to shoot + straight, she becomes possessed by the notion that she too + must, if she is to please at all, be proficient in the sports + of men. Merely to ride to hounds is, of course, not + sufficiently distinctive. Many women do that, without losing at + all the ordinary characteristics of women. She must ride + bare-backed, she must understand a horse's ailments and his + points, she must trudge (in the constant society of men) over + fallows and through turnips in pursuit of partridges, she must + be able to talk learnedly of guns, of powders, and of shot, she + must possess a gun of her own, and think she knows how to use + it, she must own a retriever, and herself make him submissive + by the frequent application of a silver-headed dog-whip.</p> + + <p>These attainments are her ideals of earthly bliss, and she + sets out to realise them with a terrible perseverance. Her + father, of course, knows but little of sport. He is, however, + afflicted with the ordinary desire to shine as a sportsman, and + as a host of sportsmen. He stocks his coverts with game, and + invites large shooting parties to stay with him. He himself + takes to a gun as a hen might take to the water; although, as + his daughter contemptuously expresses it, he is calculated to + miss a hippopotamus at ten yards, he seems to imagine, if one + may be permitted to judge from the wild frequency of his shots, + that it is the easiest thing in the world to hit a pheasant or + a partridge flying at ten times that distance. From such a + father the Manly Maiden easily secures permission, first of + all, to walk with the men while they are shooting, and + subsequently to carry a gun herself.</p> + + <p>And now the difficulties of the situation begin to make + themselves felt, not, indeed, by her, for she remains sublimely + unconscious to the end, but by the men who are compelled to + associate with her upon her ventures. No man will ever hesitate + to rebuke another for carrying his gun in such a way as to + threaten danger; but, when a lady allows him to inspect the + inside of her loaded gun-barrels, or shoots down the line at an + evasive rabbit, he must suffer in silence, and can only seek + compensation for restraining his tongue by incontinently + removing his body to a safe place, where he can neither shoot + nor be shot. At luncheon, however, he may be gratified by + hearing the Manly Maiden rally him on the poor result of his + morning's sport. She will then favour him, at length, with her + opinions as to how a driven partridge or a rocketing pheasant + should be shot, flavouring her discourse with copious extracts + from the Badminton books on shooting, and adding here and there + imaginative reminiscences of her own exploits in dealing death. + In the hunting-field she will lose her groom, and babble sport + to the Master, with whom she further ingratiates herself by + rating and lashing one of his favourite hounds, or by heading + the fox whenever he attempts to break away. She then crosses + him at an awkward fence, and considers herself aggrieved by the + strong language which breaks irresistibly from the fallen + sportsman's lips. Later on she astonishes an elderly follower + of the hounds by asking him for a draught from his flask, and + completes his amazement by complaining of the thoughtless + manner in which he has diluted his brandy.</p> + + <p>In the evening she will narrate her adventures at length, + amidst a chorus of admiring comments from her fond parents, and + their parasites, and will follow up her triumphs of the day by + pursuing the men into the smoking-room, where she permits one + of them to offer her a cigarette, and imagines that she + delights him by accepting it. On such an occasion she will + inform one of her friends that, on the whole, she has but a + poor opinion of Diana of the Ephesians, seeing that she only + hunted with women, and never allowed men to approach her. From + this it may be inferred that her stock of classical allusions + is not quite so accurate and complete as that of a genuine + sportswoman should be. Next morning she may be seen schooling + her horses in the park. She has a touching faith in the use + both of spur and of whip whenever the occasion seems least to + demand them, and she despises the man who rides without rowels, + and reverences one who attempts impossible jumps without + discrimination. During the summer she spends a considerable + part of her time in "getting fit" for the labours of the autumn + and winter. Sometimes she even plays cricket, and has been + known to address the ball that bowled her in highly + uncomplimentary terms.</p> + + <p>So the years pass on. She never learns that it is possible + for a woman on certain occasions to be in the way of men, nor + does her accuracy or her care with a gun increase. If she + marries at all, she will marry some feeble creature who has no + feeling for sport, and over whom she can lord it to her heart's + content. But it is more probable that she will remain unwedded, + and will develop eventually from a would-be harding-riding + maiden, into a genuinely hard-featured old maid.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A MUSICAL POLE STAR.</h2> + + <p>The Irish Polar Star Musical, yclept our Paddy REWSKI, gave + his last "recital" at St. James's Hall, Thursday, November 27. + Bedad, then, 'tis Misther Paddy REWSKI himself that is the + broth of a boy entirely at the piano-forte, but, Begorra, he's + better at the <i>piano</i> than the <i>forte.</i> He gave us a + nice mixture of HANDEL, BEETHOVEN, CHOPIN, LISZT, and then a + neat little compo of his own, consisting of a charming theme, + with mighty ingenious and beautiful variations, all his own, + divil a less. Great success for Paddy REWSKI. The Irish Pole, + or Pole-ished Irishman, has thoroughly mastered his art, but if + he has learnt how to master tune he has not yet perfected + himself in <i>keeping strict time</i>, as he took his seat at + the piano just one quarter of an hour late. Paddy REWSKI, me + bhoy, when next you give us a recital, remember that + punctuality is the soul of business. <i>Au revoir</i>, Paddy + REWSKI!</p> + + <p>Yours entirely, JIM KRO MESKI.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ADVICE GRATIS.—Go and see <i>London Assurance</i>, + with "CHARLES our friend" in it, at the Criterion. It has, + probably, never yet been put on the stage as it is <i>hic et + nunc</i>. Well worth seeing as a <i>curio</i>. But what tin-pot + nonsense is the Tally-ho speech of <i>Lady Grace Harkaway</i>. + And yet it has always "gone," and <i>London Assurance</i> + itself, like the sly Reynard of the speech, has invariably + shown good sport, and given a good run for the money.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MAD WAGGERY.—<i>The Chequers</i> is not the name of a + wayside inn, but of one of those modern inventions calculated + to help to fill Colney Hatch. A Puzzle it is, and it can be + done—at least so say FELTHAM & CO. Anyhow, they don't + sell the solution, they only provide the mystery.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AN OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS NUMBER (<i>which is sure not to + be forgotten</i>).—Number One.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page266" + id="page266"></a>[pg 266]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>A CAUTION TO + SNAKES.</h3><a href="images/266.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/266.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"There is, however, another opinion prevalent among the + less educated which gives to the Rattle-snake the + vindictive spirit of the North American Indian, and asserts + that it adds a new joint to its rattle whenever it has + slain a human being, thus bearing in its tail the fearful + trophies of its prowess, just as the Indians wear the + scalps of slain foes."—<i>Wood's Natural + History</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page267" + id="page267"></a>[pg 267]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"INGINS is Snakes!" And from its lair</p> + + <p>This snake seems stirring. Who cries "Scare!"?</p> + + <p class="i2">Well, they who hear the rattle</p> + + <p>Close at their heels, its spring will dread,</p> + + <p>And wary watch and cautious tread,</p> + + <p class="i2">And arm as though for battle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Even to drive the keen-fanged snake</p> + + <p>From its old home in swamp or brake</p> + + <p class="i2">Irks sensitive humanity;</p> + + <p>But they who know the untamed thing,</p> + + <p>Have felt its fang, have seen its spring,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hold mercy mere insanity.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Untamed, untameable, it hides,</p> + + <p><i>Anguis in herbâ</i>, coils and glides,</p> + + <p class="i2">And strikes when least expected,</p> + + <p>And who shall blame its watchful foe</p> + + <p>Who stands prepared to strike a blow,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the swift death's detected?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the dark jungle dim and damp</p> + + <p>It lurks, and Civilisation's tramp</p> + + <p class="i2">Disturbs its sanctuary.</p> + + <p>Hard on the snake? Perchance, perchance!</p> + + <p>But Civilisation, to advance,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must ruthless be, as wary.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Vindictive spirit" of the wild,</p> + + <p>'Twixt you and Progress' pale-faced child</p> + + <p class="i2">Fated vendetta rages,</p> + + <p>And Pity's self stands powerless</p> + + <p>To help you counter with success</p> + + <p class="i2">The onset of the ages.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long driven, lingeringly you lurk;</p> + + <p>Steel and starvation ply their work</p> + + <p class="i2">Of slow extermination.</p> + + <p>Armed once again Columbia stands,</p> + + <p>And who'd arrest avenging hands,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must challenge—Civilisation.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/267.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/267.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>MANNERS OF THE BAR.</h3>A SKETCH IN THE LAW COURTS, + SHOWING THE PATIENT AND RESPECTFUL ATTENTION OF THE COUNSEL + FOR THE PLAINTIFF DURING THE SPEECH OF COUNSEL FOR + DEFENDANT. + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The Archbishop of CANTERBURY's learned judgment in the + Lincoln Case was very much after the style in which His Grace + parts his hair. It was a first-rate example of the <i>Via + Media</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PAGE FROM A POSSIBLE DIARY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Written in the Wild West.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Well, here I am. Guess I have got + together a pretty tidy Army, that should beat BARNUM into small + potatoes. The Arabs from Earl's Court will soon go along + straight enough. They seem to miss the Louvre Theatre over + yonder, where they were on the free list. Rather a pity I can't + start a Show here, but I calculate the country is too + disturbed.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Nothing much doing. Sent along to + SMALL BITE, and he has promised to come round along with a few + of the Ghost-Dancers to let me see what I think of them. Fancy + the <i>ballet</i> has been done before. That clever cuss GUS, + must have used it at Covent Garden when he put up <i>Robert the + Devil</i>. It seems like the Nun Ballet—uncommonly.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—SMALL BITE is here. He's friendly + enough, but his terms are too high. Fancy they must have been + trying to annex him for the Aquarium. The Ghost-Dance is a + fraud. Nothing in it. Might fake it up a bit with national + flags and red fire. But it's decidedly disappointing. + Altogether small pumpkins.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Settlers want to know when I am going + to begin. They are always in such a darned hurry. They ought to + know I am the hero of a hundred fights (see my + Autobiography—a few copies of which may still be had at + the almost nominal price of half-a-dollar) and should rely on + me accordingly. Am to visit the Indian Camp to-morrow.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Terms agreed. SMALL BITE and fifty + braves engage themselves for six months certain, sharing terms, + travelling exes, and one clear benefit. I find front of the + curtain and advertising, they provide entertainment, which is + to include Ghost-Dance (with banners and red fire) religious + rites, war-dance, and scalping expedition with incidentals + (SMALL BITE says he knows "some useful knockabout niggers") and + procession in and out of towns. Think I can boom it.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—My connection with war ended. + Calculate I start to-morrow with the Show across the + herring-pond, to wake up the Crowned Heads of Europe!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO THE BIG BACILLICIDE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O DOCTOR KOCH, if you can slay</p> + + <p class="i2">Those horrid germs that kill us,</p> + + <p>You'll be <i>the</i> hero of the day,</p> + + <p class="i2">Great foe of the Bacillus!</p> + + <p>What champion may we match with you</p> + + <p class="i2">In all the world of fable?</p> + + <p>St. George, who the Great Dragon slew,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Knights of ARTHUR's Table,</p> + + <p>E'en gallant giant-slaying JACK,</p> + + <p class="i2">The British nursery's darling;</p> + + <p>Or JENNER, against whom the pack</p> + + <p class="i2">Of faddists now are snarling,</p> + + <p>Must second fiddle play to him</p> + + <p class="i2">Who stayed the plague of phthisis,</p> + + <p>And plumbed a mystery more dim</p> + + <p class="i2">And deep than that of Isis.</p> + + <p>For what are Dragons, Laidly Worms,</p> + + <p class="i2">And such-like mythic scourges,</p> + + <p>Compared with microscopic germs</p> + + <p class="i2">'Gainst which the war he urges?</p> + + <p>Hygeia, goddess, saint, or nymph,</p> + + <p class="i2">We trust there's no big blunder,</p> + + <p>And hope your votary's magic lymph</p> + + <p class="i2">May prove no nine days' wonder.</p> + + <p>We dare not trust each pseudo-seer</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'd powder, purge, or pill us;</p> + + <p>But pyramids to him we'll rear</p> + + <p class="i2">Who baffles the Bacillus.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>STRANGE TRANSFORMATION.—From the <i>Times</i> + Correspondent, U.S., we learned, last week, that somebody who + had been "a Bull," was now "a Bear." What next will he + be?—A donkey? Or did he begin with this, and will he end + by being a goose?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROSPECT FOR CHRISTMAS.—"TUCK," i.e., RAPHAEL of that + ilk. The "Correct (Christmas) Card."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page268" + id="page268"></a>[pg 268]</span> + + <h2>"A PAIR OF SPECTACLES."</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/268-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The first spectacle classic and Shakspearian: t'other + burlesquian, and PETTIT-cum-SIMS. The one at the Princess's, + the other at the Gaiety. <i>Place au</i> "Divine WILLIAMS"! + <i>Antony and Cleopatra</i> is magnificently put on the stage. + The costumes are probably O.K.—"all correct"—seeing + that Mr. LEWIS WINGFIELD pledges his honourable name for the + fact. We might have done with a few less, perhaps, but, as in + the celebrated case of the war-song of the Jingoes, if we've + got the men, and the money too, then there was every reason why + the redoubtable LEWIS (whose name, as brotherly Masons will + call to mind, means "Strength") should have put a whole army of + Romans on the stage, if it so pleased him.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:37%;"> + <a href="images/268-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-2.png" + alt="" /></a>The Last Scene of Antony and Cleopatra. + </div> + + <p>For its <i>mise-en-scène</i> alone the revival should + attract all London. But there is more than this—there is + the clever and careful impersonation of <i>Enobarbus</i> by His + Gracious Heaviness, Mr. ARTHUR STIRLING; then there is a + lighter-comedy touch in the courteous and gentlemanly rendering + of <i>Octavius Cæsar</i> by Mr. F. KEMBLE COOPER—one of + the best things in the piece, but from the inheritor of two + such good old theatrical names, much is expected. And then + there is the <i>Mark Antony</i> of Mr. CHARLES COGHLAN, a + rantin', roarin' boy, this <i>Antony</i>, whom no one, I + believe, could ever have made really effective; and finally. + Her Graceful Majesty, Mrs. LANGTRY, Queen of Egyptian Witchery. + Now honestly I do not consider <i>Cleopatra</i> a good part, + nor is the play a good play for the matter of that. I believe + it never has been a success, but if, apart from the really + great attraction of gorgeous spectacular effects, there is any + one scene above another which might well draw all London, it is + the death of <i>Cleopatra</i>, which to my mind is—after + the fall of WOLSEY, and a long way after, too,—one of the + most pathetic pictures ever presented on the stage. So lonely + in her grandeur, so grand, and yet so pitiable in her + loneliness is this poor Queen of Beauty, this + Empress-Butterfly, who can conquer conquerors, and for whose + sake not only her noble lovers, but her poor humble + serving-maids, are willing to die.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/268-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-3.png" + alt="" /></a>The Run of Cleopatra. + </div> + + <p>Her last scene is beyond all compare her best, and to those + who are inclined to be disappointed with the play after the + first Act is over I say, "Wait for the end," and don't leave + until the Curtain has descended on that gracious figure of the + Queen of Egypt, attired in her regal robes, crowned with her + diadem, holding her sceptre, but dead in her chair of state. + <i>Ça donne à penser</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The Gaiety</i>.—In calling their burlesque + <i>Carmen up to Data</i>, possibly the two dear clever boys who + wrote it intended some crypto-jocosity of which the hidden + meaning is known only to the initiated in these sublime + mysteries. Why "<i>Data</i>"? On the other hand, "Why not?"</p> + + <p>However attractive or not as a heading in a bill of the + play, the Gaiety <i>Carmen</i> is, on the whole, a merry, + bright, and light burlesque-ish piece, though, except in the + costume and make-up of Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMS as <i>Captain + Zuniga</i>, there is nothing extraordinarily "burlesque" in the + appearance of any of the characters, as the appearance of Mr. + HORACE MILLS as <i>Remendado</i> belongs more to Christmas + pantomime than to the sly suggestiveness of real burlesque.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/268-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-4.png" + alt="" /></a>Scene from the Cigarette History of + <i>Carmen</i>. + </div> + + <p>As Miss ST. JOHN simply looks, acts, and sings as a genuine + <i>Carmen</i>, I can only suppose that her voice is not strong + enough for the real Opera; otherwise I doubt whether any better + operatic impersonator of the real character could be found. She + is not the least bit burlesque, and though the songs she has to + sing are nothing like so telling as those she has had given her + in former pieces, yet, through her rendering, most are encored, + and all thoroughly appreciated.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/268-5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-5.png" + alt="" /></a>In for a good Run on the "Bogie" System. + </div> + + <p>Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMS as <i>Zuniga</i> is very droll, + reminding some of us, by his make-up and jerky style, of MILHER + as the comic <i>Valentine</i> in <i>Le Petit Faust</i>. Mr. + LONNEN is also uncommonly good as the spoony soldier, and in + the telling song of "<i>The Bogie Man</i>;" and in the still + more telling dance with which he finishes it and makes his + exit, he makes <i>the</i> hit of the evening,—in fact the + hit by which the piece will he remembered, and to which it owes + the greater part of its success.</p> + + <p>In the authors' latest adaptation of the very ancient + "business" of "the statues"—consisting of a verse, and + then an attitude, I was disappointed, as I had been led to + believe that here we should see what Mr. LONNEN could do in the + Robsonian or burlesque-tragedy style. The brilliancy of the + costumes, of the scenery, the grace of the four dancers, and + the excellence of band and chorus, under the direction of that + ancient mariner MEYER LUTZ, are such as are rarely met with + elsewhere.</p> + + <p>Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES may now attend to the building of his + new theatre, as <i>Carmen up to Data</i> will not give him any + trouble for some time to come.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page269" + id="page269"></a>[pg 269]</span> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>Only a Penny! And well worth every halfpenny of it. I am + alluding to the Christmas Number of the <i>Penny Illustrated + Paper</i>, in which appears <i>A Daughter of the People</i>, by + JOHN LATEY, Junior, who is Junior than ever in December. + Capital Christmas Number, and will attract an extraordinary + number of Christmas readers.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/269.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/269.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>The Rosebud Annual</i>, published by JAMES CLARK & + CO., is quite a bright posy for our very little ones.</p> + + <p>Turning from novels, it is a relief to come across so + inviting a little volume as the <i>Pocket Atlas, and Gazetteer + of Canada</i>, which will be found of the greatest possible + value to eccentric Londoners who purpose visiting the Dominion + during the coming Winter.</p> + + <p>"<i>Persicos odi</i>," but you won't agree with HORACE if + you follow this "<i>puer apparatus</i>" of G. NORWAY, who, in + <i>Hussein's Hostage</i>, gives us the exciting adventures of a + Persian boy.</p> + + <p><i>'Twixt School and College</i>, by GORDON STABLES, has + nothing to do with horsey experiences, as suggested by the + author's name, but is the uneventful home-life of a poor Scotch + laddie, who triumphs by dint of pluck.</p> + + <p><i>Nutbrown Roger and I</i>, by J.H. YOXALL, a romance of + the highway, quite in the correct style of disguises and + blunderbusses always so necessary for a tale of this kind.</p> + + <p><i>Disenchantment</i> is the—not + altogether—enticing title of "an everyday story," by F. + MABEL ROBINSON, author of <i>The Plan of Campaign</i>. It is + rather a long tale to tell, for it takes 432 pages in the + unravelling. It ends with a beautiful avowal that "the heart is + no more unchanging than the mind, and that love's not immortal, + but an illusion." As the utterer of this truism is a young + married woman, it would seem that the foundation is laid for a + sequel to <i>Disenchantment</i> that might be appropriately + called <i>Divorce</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The Secret of the Old House</i>, by EVELYN EVERETT GREEN, + who evidently can't keep a secret to himself, will be so no + longer when the children have satisfied their curiosity by + reading the book.</p> + + <p>My faithful "Co." declares that he has been recently hard at + work novel-reading. He has been revelling in an atmosphere of + romance. He has been moved almost to tears by <i>Lady + Hazleton's Confession</i>, by Mrs. KENT SPENDER, which, he + says, includes, amongst many moving passages, some glimpses of + Parliamentary life. <i>Friend Olivia</i>, in one bulky volume, + takes the reader back to the days of CROMWELL, when people said + "hath," instead of "has," and "pray resolve me truly," instead + of "don't sell me;" and "Mr. JOHN MILTON" played upon the + organ. It has a fine old crusty Puritan flavour about it, + which, however, does not prevent the hero and heroine, in the + last page, reading a letter together, "with smiles, and little + laughs, and sweet asides, and sweeter kisses." Altogether, a + book to read when a library does <i>not</i> contain WALTER + SCOTT, ALEXANDRE DUMAS <i>père</i>, G.P.R. JAMES, or HARRISON + AINSWORTH. <i>Two Masters</i> deals with passages in the life + of a young lady who is described as "a Boarding-school Miss" in + Volume I., and "a young she-fiend" in Volume III. However, it + is only right to say, that the last compliment is paid to her + by a gentlemanly murderer, who takes poison and a cigarette, + with a view to escaping a justly-deserved death on the gallows. + From this it may be seen, that the novel is at times slightly + sensational. Fearing that his Christmas might be saddened by + this last ghastly incident, were not the impression created by + it partially removed by less highly-seasoned fare, my faithful + "Co." has also read <i>Mary Hamilton, a Tale for Girls, My + Schoolfellows</i>, and <i>Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble</i>. He + considers the first admirably adapted to the comprehension of + the readers to whom it is addressed, only the girls, he says, + should be <i>very</i> young girls. <i>My Schoolfellows</i> he + intends reading again when he has reached his second childhood, + when he fancies he will be better pleased with the humours of + "<i>Guzzling Gus</i>" and "<i>Ned Never Mind</i>." In + conclusion, he admits that he is a little doubtful about the + merits or demerits of <i>Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble</i>. He + explains, that while he was reading it he "fell a thinking," + and that when he woke up, the volume was lying on the floor. + Since then, he adds, he really has not had the leisure to pick + it up.</p> + + <p><i>The Snake's Pass</i>, by BRAM STOKER, M.A. (SAMPSON LOW), + is a simple love-story, a pure idyl of Ireland, which does not + seem, after all, to be so distressful a country to live in. + Whiskey punch flows like milk through the land; the loveliest + girls abound, and seem instinctively to be drawn towards the + right man. Also there are jooled crowns to be found by earnest + seekers, with at least one large packing-case crammed with rare + coins. The love-scenes are frequent and tempting. BRAM has an + eye to scenery, and can describe it. He knows the Irish + peasant, and reproduces his talk with a fidelity which almost + suggests that he, too, is descended from one of the early + kings, whereas, as everyone knows, he lives in London and adds + grace and dignity to "the front" of the Lyceum on First Nights + and others. He is perfectly overwhelming in his erudition in + respect of the science of drainage, which, if all stories be + true, he might find opportunity of turning to account in the + every-day (or, rather, every-night) world of the theatre. In + his novel he utilises it in the preliminaries of shifting a + mighty bog, the last stages whereof are described in a chapter + that, for sustained interest, recalls CHARLES READE's account + of the breaking of the Sheffield Reservoir. The novel-reader + will do well not to pass by <i>The Snake's Pass</i>. THE BARON + DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>RED VERSUS BLACK.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Two Views of the same place, by Gentlemen "who Write to + the Papers."</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Opinion No. 1.</i>—Monte Carlo! One of the most + disgraceful places in Europe—a blot upon our + civilisation. The gambling is productive of the greatest + possible misery. It is an institution that should be held up to + the execration of mankind. All the riffraff of the globe are + attracted to this hideous spot. The place is like an upas-tree, + under which everything noble and good languishes and dies! The + form of Government is absolutely immoral. It is a scandal that + rates, and taxes, and public improvements should be paid for + out of the private purse of the Director. He could not afford + it had he not made a fortune out of his ill-gotten gains! + Anyone who has watched at the tables knows that the chances are + absolutely unfair—that the Direction must win. Not that + this matters much. It is the general immorality of the place + that is so alarming. The place should be closed at once; and + persons who have lost anything, say, during the last year, + should have their money promptly returned to them. And I say + this without any bias, although I <i>did</i> back Red, and + Black came up ten times running!</p> + + <p>P.S.—Just won a trifle. Not so sure that my pessimist + view may not be modified.</p> + + <p><i>Opinion No. 2.</i>—Monte Carlo! Without exception, + the loveliest spot in Europe. The so-called gambling is the + cause of numberless blessings. It is an institution that should + be held up to the admiration of mankind. All the aristocracy of + the civilised world flock to it to indulge in a recreation to + which only the greatly prejudiced can possibly take exception. + The Government is benevolent to the last degree. In what other + country are rates, taxes, and improvements paid for you? If the + Director were not the best of men, how could this be done? The + play itself is absolutely fair. And, with a system, and a + sufficiency of capital, anyone is able to realise a large + fortune in less than no time. Not that this absolute certainty + should be taken into consideration. It is the general morality + of the place that is so encouraging. The place should never + close. And it would be a graceful thing if those who have laid + in a store for their old age were to return a trifle, to be + expended on some charity. And I say this without any bias, + although I have backed Black ten times successfully.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Just lost all I had. Not so sure that my optimist + view is not open to rectification!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>BULL AND BULLION.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>On Gold, after Goldsmith.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When British Commerce stoops to folly,</p> + + <p class="i2">And finds too late that Bonds betray,</p> + + <p>What charm can soothe her melancholy,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the big rush for bullion stay?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To save herself from shameful ruin</p> + + <p class="i2">(Ask Monsieur LAUR!) her only chance</p> + + <p>Lies—full revenge for Waterloo!—in</p> + + <p class="i2">Big borrowings from generous France.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch Among the Planets</i> is the title of <i>Mr. + Punch's</i> Christmas Number, <i>vice</i> Almanack superseded. + Ask for this, and "see that you get it"!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VOX STELLARUM.—The New Comet, November 19, Boston, + U.S., suddenly appeared, and was heard to exclaim, "But, soft! + I am observed!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page270" + id="page270"></a>[pg 270]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/270.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/270.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>SCENES OF CLERICAL LIFE.—A DIOCESAN + CONFERENCE.</h3>"LOOK 'ERE, BILL! BLEST IF THESE BEAN'T A + LOT O' PARSONS ON STRIKE!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"SEPARATISTS."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragments of a Modern "Marmion."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">"But DOUGLAS round him drew his + cloak,</p> + + <p class="i2">Folded his arms, and thus he + spoke:—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">* * * * *</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">'The hand of DOUGLAS is his own,</p> + + <p class="i2">And never shall in friendly grasp</p> + + <p class="i2">The hand of such as MARMION clasp.'"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">* * * * *</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The hand of such as MARMION!" Ay!</p> + + <p>Great Singer of the knightly lay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy tale of Flodden field</p> + + <p>Is darkened by unknightly stain.</p> + + <p>That slackened arm and burdened brain</p> + + <p>Of him found low among the slain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Constrained at last to yield</p> + + <p>To a mere "base marauder's lance;"</p> + + <p>He, firm of front and cold of glance,</p> + + <p>The dark, the dauntless MARMION.—</p> + + <p>The days of chivalry are gone,</p> + + <p>Dispraisers of the present say,</p> + + <p>Yet men arm still for party fray</p> + + <p class="i2">As fierce as foray old;</p> + + <p>And mail is donned, and steel is drawn,</p> + + <p>And champions challenging at dawn</p> + + <p class="i2">Ere night lie still and cold.</p> + + <p>Two champions here 'midst loud applause,</p> + + <p>Have led the lists in a joint cause</p> + + <p class="i2">On many a tourney morn,</p> + + <p>Have fought to vanward in the field</p> + + <p>Full many an hour, and, sternly steeled,</p> + + <p class="i2">One banner forward borne.</p> + + <p>And now—ah, well, as DOUGLAS old</p> + + <p>On MARMION looked sternly cold,</p> + + <p class="i2">So looks this Chieftain grey</p> + + <p>On his old comrade, though the fight</p> + + <p>Is forward now, and many a knight</p> + + <p class="i2">Is arming for the fray.</p> + + <p>As "the demeanour changed and cold</p> + + <p>Of DOUGLAS fretted MARMION bold,"</p> + + <p>Has this old greyhaired Chieftain's chill</p> + + <p>Fretted that man of icy will?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who knows—or cares to know?</p> + + <p>At least he "has to learn ere long</p> + + <p>That constant mind, and hate of wrong"</p> + + <p>Than steely pride are yet more strong;</p> + + <p class="i2">That shame can strike a blow</p> + + <p>At comradeship more fatal far</p> + + <p>Than any chance of fateful war</p> + + <p>When faction howled with Cerberus throat,</p> + + <p>When falsehood struck a felon stroke,</p> + + <p class="i2">When forgery did its worst</p> + + <p>To pull its hated quarry down,</p> + + <p>To dim, disarm, degrade, discrown.</p> + + <p class="i2">Against the array accurst</p> + + <p>That ancient chief made gallant head,</p> + + <p>Dismayed not, nor disquieted</p> + + <p class="i2">At rancour's rude assault.</p> + + <p>He shared opprobrium undeserved,</p> + + <p>But not for that had courage swerved,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or loyalty made default.</p> + + <p>But now? The hand that reared hath razed;</p> + + <p>And as old ANGUS stood amazed</p> + + <p class="i2">At WILTON's shameful tale,</p> + + <p>So fealty here must bend the brow,</p> + + <p>And faith, though sorely tried, till now</p> + + <p class="i2">Surviving, faint and fail;</p> + + <p>As DOUGLAS round him drew his cloak,</p> + + <p>So, saddened by unknightly stroke,</p> + + <p class="i2">The ancient chief must draw;</p> + + <p>Nor in mere pharisaic scorn,</p> + + <p>But in the name of faith foresworn</p> + + <p class="i2">And honour's broken law.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Tis pity of him, too!" 'Twas so,</p> + + <p>The half-relenting ANGUS, low</p> + + <p class="i2">Spake in his snowy beard.</p> + + <p>"Bold can he speak, and fairly ride:</p> + + <p>I warrant him a warrior tried."</p> + + <p class="i2">A foeman to be feared,</p> + + <p>A leader to be trusted, seemed</p> + + <p>This dark, cold chief, and few had dreamed</p> + + <p class="i2">Of such strange severance.</p> + + <p>And any not ignoble eye</p> + + <p>In sorrow more than mockery</p> + + <p class="i2">Aside will gladly glance.</p> + + <p>'Tis pity of it! Right or wrong,</p> + + <p>The Cause needs champions true as strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">And blameless as they're bold.</p> + + <p>"A sinful heart makes feeble hand,"</p> + + <p>Cried MARMION, his "failing brand"</p> + + <p class="i2">Cursing with lips grown cold.</p> + + <p>Let vulgar venom triumph here,</p> + + <p>And hate, itself from shame not clear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Make haste to hurl the stone;</p> + + <p>A nobler foe will stand aside,</p> + + <p>And more in sorrow than in pride,</p> + + <p>Not hot to harry or deride,</p> + + <p>Like DOUGLAS in his halls abide,</p> + + <p class="i2">But keep his hand—his own!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>FROM A THEATRICAL CORRESPONDENT.—Sir,—I know a + lot about London and N.B., but never till now did I know of the + existence of 'ARRY in Scotland. The character is now + represented, as I am informed, on the stage, by Mr. BEERBOHM + TREE, who, in a play called <i>Back</i>, impersonates the MAC + ARRY. Odd, this! for the McCOCKNIE. P.S.—One lives and + learns. [*** If McCOCKNIE is to learn much, he will have to + become a McMETHUSELAH. The piece to which he alludes is + <i>Called Back</i>, by HUGH CONWAY and COMYNS CARR, and the + part in it, excellently played by Mr. TREE, is <i>Macari</i>, + an Italian.]</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page271" + id="page271"></a>[pg 271]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/271.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/271.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"SEPARATISTS."</h3> + + <p>Douglas ... Mr. Gl-dst-ne. Marmion ... Mr. P-rn-ll.</p> + + <p>Douglas. "THE HAND OF DOUGLAS IS HIS OWN; AND NEVER + SHALL IN FRIENDLY GRASP THE HAND OF SUCH AS MARMION + CLASP!"—<i>Marmion</i>, Canto VI.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page273" + id="page273"></a>[pg 273]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/273.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/273.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY VERY MUCH AT SEA.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>An incident of Mr. Ashmead-Bartlett's recent Tour + in Ireland.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Mr. A.B.</i> "WHY PAT, MY LAD, I SEE NOTHING TO + COMPLAIN OF HERE. THESE POTATOES ARE REMARKABLY FINE!"</p> + + <p><i>Pat</i>. "BEDAD, SOR, BUT THEY'RE NOT PRATIES AT ALL, + AT ALL. SHURE, IT'S THE TURNIPS YOUR HONOUR'S LOOKING + AT!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h2> + + <p>"The Royal Society of Painters in Water-Colours?" said young + PAR. "Nonsense! why all the water is frozen now, and so they + can't paint!" "Precisely," replied I; "and that's why it is a + nice exhibition!" This so startled Young PAR that he slipped + and fell. I turned into the Gallery in Pall Mall, and left him + sitting on the cold hard flags outside. Inside pleasant enough. + BIRKET FOSTER's "<i>Island of Rum</i>" very + comforting—should like some hot. HERBERT + MARSHALL—our own City MARSHALL—has gone further + afield, to "<i>Old Chelsea</i>." Should now be called the Field + MAR SHALL. MATTHEW HALE, in "<i>Gathering Blackberries</i>," is + a hail fellow well met! "<i>The Corso, Verona</i>," by S.J. + HODSON, shows that HODSON's choice is a good one. HENRY MOORE's + sea-pieces—the more the merrier, say I. + "<i>Warkworth—Sunlit Shower</i>," by A.W. HUNT: a walk + worth taking when the hunt is up. "<i>Holidays Past and + Future</i>," suggests wide subjects and open spaces. Why, then, + is it painted by SMALLFIELD? "<i>Wreck of the Halswell</i>," is + a terrible catastrophe. Can't be "All's Well." Possibly the + painter, G.H. ANDREWS, means "all swell"—that seems a + great deal more likely. ALBERT GOODWIN shows himself to be a + good winner in the "<i>Ponte Vecchio, Florence</i>." DU MAURIER + delights us with some clever Society sketches in pen and + pencil. The veteran, Sir JOHN GILBERT, is as young, as dashing, + as vigorous as ever. H.G. GLINDONI has two pictures full of + humour and character. STACY MARKS' "<i>Cockatoo</i>" looks as + if it had just flown in from the Zoo. "<i>Au Sgarnach</i>," by + C.B. PHILLIP. Title difficult to understand. Landscape easy to + comprehend. A close study of Nature, admirably painted. A + wholesome Phillippic against namby-pamby prettiness. "<i>On the + Thames</i>," by G.A. FRIPP, honestly painted, and no frippery + about it. Miss CLARA MONTALBA has a large number of pictures of + Venice—and Mr. RIDGE comes up and says he is the Keeper. + What Keeper? He whispers, he is the Keeper of the Cold + Out—What an oridginal remark!—and will I step into + the Committee Room? I do, and remain there, and continue to + be</p> + + <p>Yours par-adoxically, OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT AT THE HOPERA.</h2> + + <p>I was habel the other day to do BROWN a good turn by getting + him engaged at won of our big Otels, so he kindly offerd to + stand a supper, and then take me to the Hopera at Common + Garden. We went to see <i>Horfay</i>.</p> + + <p>It seems that wunce upon a time, ever so many thowsand years + ago, before there was not no Lord Mares, nor no Shirryffs, nor + not ewen no Aldermen, a Gent of the name of <i>Horfay</i> lived + in Grease. He was the werry grandest Fiddler of his time, a + regler JOEY KIM. Well, he married a werry bewtiful wife, of the + name of <i>Yourridisee</i>, and they was both werry appy, till + one day, as she was a having a run in a field, a norrid serpent + bit her in her heel; so she died. Well, while poor <i>Mr. + Horfay</i> is a telling us all about his trubbel, in comes a + werry bewtiful young lady with a pair of most bewtiful wings + on, and she werry kindly gives him a new sort of magic Fiddle, + called, as I was told, A Liar! to go to—go down to <i>you + kno where</i>, to git his wife back! Off he goes, and the neks + sean shows us the werry plaice, all filled with savidges, and + demons, and snakes, and things; and presently, when <i>Mr. + Horfay</i> is seen a cumming down, all the demons and savidges + runs at him to stop him; but he holds up the Liar, and begins + for to sing, and most bewtifully too, tho' I didn't kno the + tune; they all makes way for him, and he gos bang into lots of + big flames, and so I werry naterally thort as how it was all + over. But not a bit of it, for in the werry next sean we sees + him with his Liar in a most lovly garden, all full of most + lovly flowers and trees, and numbers of bewtiful ladies, a + dancing and enjoying theirselves like fun, until his Liar leads + him rite up to his wife, and then he raps harf his scarf round + her, and off they gos together, both on 'em dowtless a longing + for a reel nupshal kiss, but poor <i>Mr. Horfay</i> not a + daring for to look at her, becoz if he does before he gets her + home, she will be ded again direckly! Was there hever such a + tanterlising case ever known! When she sings to him to give her + one loving look, he sings to her to say he mustn't, until at + larst she sets down on a nice cumferel-looking sofy, as appens + for to be in the werry middel of the street, and says, werry + artfully, as she carn't go not one step farther, when in course + he turns round, and rushes up to her to have one fond embrace, + and, thank goodness, they has it, and then she falls back + dead!</p> + + <p>Well, now, I knos as I'm ony a mere Hed Waiter, and, + therefore, not xpected to have any werry fine feelings, like my + betters has, but</p> + + <p>I do declare that, when I saw this sad, sad end to all that + grand amount of reel true Love, the tears run down my cheeks + like rain, and I was a getting up to go away, when presently in + came the lovly angel again, whose name I was told was Love, and + told him that such love as his could conker Death itself; and + she brort the pore wife to life again, and all hended, as all + things shood end, jovial, and cumferal, and happy. What a + wunderful thing is Music! It didn't seem at all strange to me + that not one single word was spoke all the heavening, but ewery + word sung, and in a forren tung, too, that I didn't + hunderstand, the bewtiful story kep my atention fixt the hole + time, and I warked home in the poring rain, werry thankful, and + jest a leetle prowd, that in one thing, at least, I was not + xacly like BROWN, who slept carm and content thro the hole of + the larst hact.</p> + + <p>ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Fate of Salvation Army Generals.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Each General is, by a deed of appointment, executed and + placed in safe custody with certain formalities, + &c."—<i>Gen. Booth's Letter to the Times, + Nov.</i> 27.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This is dreadful! Why should the Generals be executed? What + have they done to deserve this cruel fate? And what is the use + of placing them in safe custody <i>after</i> they have been + executed? And what are the "certain formalities"? We pause for + a reply to all these questions.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SEASONABLE.—CHRISTMAS IS COMING.—In the + <i>Morning Post</i>, one day last week, appeared an + announcement to the effect that Madame NOËL had left one + residence in the West End for another in the same quarter. Odd + this, just now. But go where she will, <i>Le bon père</i> NOËL + will be in London and the country on the 25th instant; so the + best way is to prepare to receive Father Christmas.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SO-HO, THERE!—Some persons think that the proper place + for "The Pelican" ought still to be—the wilderness.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOVELTY.—Quartette for three players—"Whist! the + Dumby Man!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EDUCATIONAL WORK (BY C.S. P-RN-LL).—<i>The Crammer's + Guide to Politics</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page274" + id="page274"></a>[pg 274]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/274.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/274.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>IRISH ACTORS IN AMERICA.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page275" + id="page275"></a>[pg 275]</span> + + <h2>A DRESS DRAMA.</h2> + + <h3>(BY A PERPLEXED PLAYWRIGHT.)</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've got myself into a horrible mess,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of that there can be no manner of + doubt,</p> + + <p>And my forehead is aching, because I've been + making</p> + + <p class="i2">A desperate effort to get myself out,</p> + + <p>And I'm given away, so it seemeth to me,</p> + + <p>Like a threepenny vase with a pound of tea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I promised an actress to write her a play,</p> + + <p class="i2">With herself, of course, in the leading + part,</p> + + <p>With abundance of bathos paraded as pathos,</p> + + <p class="i2">And a gallery death of a broken + heart—</p> + + <p>It's a capital plan, I find, to try</p> + + <p>To arrange a part where the audience cry.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So I quickly think of a beautiful plot,</p> + + <p class="i2">The interest ne'er for an instant + flags;</p> + + <p>The sorrowful ending is almost heart-rending,</p> + + <p class="i2">As the heroine comes on in tatters and + rags.</p> + + <p>It is better than aught I have thought of + before,</p> + + <p>And will certainly run for a twelvemonth or + more.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet, alas! for my prospect of glory and gain,</p> + + <p class="i2">She has strangled my play at its moment + of birth,</p> + + <p>For now she has written to say she is smitten</p> + + <p class="i2">With the newest designs and creations of + WORTH,</p> + + <p>And to quote her own words—"As a matter of + fact,</p> + + <p>I've a couple of costumes for every act."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then there follows a list of the things she has + bought,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though I'm puzzled indeed as to what it + may mean.</p> + + <p>She is painfully pat in her jargon of satin,</p> + + <p class="i2">Alpaca, nun's veiling, tulle, silk, + grenadine,</p> + + <p>And she asks me to say if I honestly think</p> + + <p>She should die in pearl-grey, golden-brown, or + shrimp-pink?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So here I am left in this pitiful plight.</p> + + <p class="i2">With nothing but dresses, what <i>am</i> + I to do?</p> + + <p>For I haven't a notion what kind of emotion</p> + + <p class="i2">Is suited to coral or proper for + blue;</p> + + <p>And if, when she faints, but they think she is + dead,</p> + + <p>Old-gold or sea-green would be better than red.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Will crushed strawberry do for an afternoon + call?</p> + + <p class="i2">For the evening would salmon or olive be + right?</p> + + <p>May a charming young fellow embrace her in + yellow?</p> + + <p class="i2">Must she sorrow in black? Must I wed her + in white?</p> + + <p>Till, dazed and bewildered, my eyesight grows + dim,</p> + + <p>And my head, throbbing wildly, commences to + swim.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twere folly and madness to try any more,</p> + + <p class="i2">I know what I'll do—in a letter + to-day</p> + + <p>I will just tell her plainly how utterly vainly</p> + + <p class="i2">I've striven and struggled to finish her + play;</p> + + <p>And then—happy thought!—I will mildly + suggest</p> + + <p>That she'll find for her purpose BUCHANAN the + best.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I shall now write a play without dresses at all,</p> + + <p class="i2">A plan, which I'm sure will be perfectly + new.</p> + + <p>Yet opposed to convention, why merely the + mention</p> + + <p class="i2">Of a thing so immodest will startle a + few;</p> + + <p>And, although it's a pity, I shrewdly suspect</p> + + <p>The Lord Chamberlain might deem it right to + object.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Better still! from the French I will boldly + convey</p> + + <p class="i2">What will be (in two senses) the talk of + the town.</p> + + <p>You insist on a moral? Well, pray do not quarrel</p> + + <p class="i2">With the one that I now for your guidance + lay down,</p> + + <p>That of excellent maxims this isn't the + worst—</p> + + <p><i>Let the play, not the dresses, be settled the + first!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SOMETHING IN A NAME.—What a happily appropriate name + for the Chief Magistrate of so fashionable a watering-place as + Brighton is Mr. SOPER! Whether he is soft SOPER, or Hard SOPER, + or Scented SOPER, it matters not; it is only a pity that after + his year of office, if the Brightonian Bathers can spare him, + he should not be transferred to Windsor. Old Windsor + SOPER—what a splendid title for the Mayor of the Royal + town! No doubt he will show himself active and energetic during + his Mayoralty, and that at Brighton henceforth a totally + opposite meaning from the ordinary one will be given to the + description of a speech as "a SOPER-ific." At east, it is 'oped + so, for the sake of SOPER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/275.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/275.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>EXPERIENTIA DOCET.</h3> + + <p>"AND ARE <i>YOU</i> GOING TO GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR MY + BIRTHDAY, AUNTY MAUD?"</p> + + <p>"OF COURSE, DARLING."</p> + + <p>"THEN <i>DON'T</i> LET IT BE <i>SOMETHING + USEFUL!</i>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday Night, November</i> + 25.—New Session opened to-day. Remarkable gathering of + Members in the Lords to hear Queen's Speech read. Unusual + excitement, though heroically restrained in presence of LORD + CHANCELLOR, supported on Woolsack by four figures in red cloaks + and cocked hats, borrowed for occasion from Madame Tussaud's. + HALSBURY lost his temper once when Commission being read. + Tussaud's man, sent down to work the figures—make them + take off their cocked hats and nod upon cue being given by + Reading Clerk—was on duty for first time; much interested + in arrival of Commons at the Bar; instead of lying low behind + Woolsack and minding his business, kept poking his head round + to peer forth on scene. At last, LORD CHANCELLOR in hoarse + whisper threatened to send him to Clock Tower if he didn't + behave properly.</p> + + <p>After this all went well; figures bringing their right elbow + up with a jerk, took off their hats at precisely right moment, + and replaced them without a hitch. They were labelled "Lord + LATHOM," "Earl of COVENTRY," "Lord BROWNLOW," and "Lord + KNUTSFORD." LORD CHANCELLOR sat in the middle. The ladies on + floor of House watched them with much interest.</p> + + <p>"Such <i>dear</i> old things," said one, when the figure + labelled "Earl of COVENTRY" cleverly pretended to sneeze. "I + wish they'd do it all over again; but I suppose the springs + have run down."</p> + + <p>In the Commons, everyone on the look out for PARNELL. What + would he do? Where would he sit? What would he say? Or, would + he come at all? Nobody knew. Some suspected last guess most + probable. Towards Three o'Clock whisper went round that he was + here. SARK had seen him crossing Lobby, with green spectacles + and umbrella, and his hair died crimson. Was now in room with + Irish Party, arranging about Leadership. Understood before + House met that he was to retire from Leadership till fumes from + Divorce Court had passed away. Then alliance between Home + Rulers and Liberals would go on as before, and all would be + well. Ministerialists downcast at this prospect; Liberals + chirpy; a great difficulty avoided. Soon be in smooth water + again.</p> + + <p>Waiting in House for business to commence. SPEAKER away for + cause that saddens everyone; COURTNEY to take the Chair at Four + o'Clock; meeting of Irish Members still going forward. When + business concluded, PARNELL would quietly walk out; they would + take their places, and things would go on as if no one had + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page276" + id="page276"></a>[pg 276]</span> ever heard of Eltham, of + alarums and excursions, of exits by fire-escapes, and + entrances by back doors.</p> + + <p>Thinking of these things, I was standing by + Sergeant-at-Arms' chair; heard a scuffling noise behind; looked + round, and lo! there was PARNELL entering House by + Distinguished Strangers' Gallery, descending by swarming down + the end pillar, which supports Gallery from floor of House.</p> + + <p>"Good gracious!" I cried. "What are you doing?"</p> + + <p>"I'm catching the last post," said PARNELL, smiling blandly, + as, reaching the floor, he unclasped arms and legs from the + pillar and quietly walked over to his ordinary place as if this + were the usual way of an Hon. Member approaching his seat.</p> + + <p>Direful news rapidly spread. PARNELL not going to retire + from Leadership! On contrary, meant to stay, ignoring little + events brought to light in the Divorce Court. Ministerialists + jubilant; Liberals depressed; the whole situation changed; + prospects of Liberal supremacy, so certain yesterday, suddenly + blighted; talk of Mr. G. retiring from the fray; spoke on + Address just now, but no fight left in him; the Opposition + wrung out like a damp cloth; even GEORGE CAMPBELL dumb, and Dr. + CLARK indefinitely postponed Amendment long threatened. By ten + o'clock the whole thing had flickered out. Address, which of + late has taken three weeks to pass, agreed to in three + hours.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/276-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/276-1.png" + alt="" /></a>Up a Tree. + </div> + + <p>Mr. G. went off as soon as OLD MORALITY had finished his + modest speech. Walked with him across the Park to Carlton + Terrace. Haven't seen him to speak to since Midlothian. What a + change! Then elate, confident, energetic, tingling with life to + his finger-ends; to-night shrunken, limp, despondent, almost + heart-broken.</p> + + <p>"Don't you think, Sir," I said, "that, after to-day's + experience, Home Rule has a new terror? You remember how, seven + or eight years ago, the Irish Members used to stand up in the + House and personally vilify you. Then, when you came round to + their side, the very same men beslabbered you with fulsome + adulation. Now, when there is another parting of the ways, when + you pit yourself, your authority, and your character, against + their chosen Leader, they rudely turn their backs on you, and + tell you to mind your own business. How'll it be, do you think, + when you've finally served their purpose, and made possible the + accomplishment of their aim? When you have made them Masters in + Dublin, will they care any more for the views and prejudices of + you and your Liberal Party than they have done to-day?"</p> + + <p>"TOBY, dear boy," said Mr. G., "you're a young dog yet. When + you come to my age, you'll have learned that there is no + gratitude in politics. But we won't talk of it any more. I'm a + little tired to-night."</p> + + <p>So we walked in silence up the steps, by the Duke of YORK's + Column.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Address agreed to. Mr. P. flouts + Mr. G.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—House up at twenty minutes to Six, + having got through rattling lot of business. Prince ARTHUR been + sailing up and down floor, bringing in Land Bills and Railway + Bills. HICKS-BEACH depressed with legacy of Tithes Bill.</p> + + <p>"Cheer up, BEACH," says CRANBORNE, tugging at his moustache + à la GRANDOLPH; "you may depend upon me. Keep your eye on your + young friend, and he will pull you through."</p> + + <p>"Thank you," said BEACH, with something more than his + customary effusive manner.</p> + + <p>JACKSON toying round the table, packing and unpacking + papers, looking at his watch and the clock, vaguely whistling, + and absently rubbing his hands.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter?" I asked. "You seem out of sorts."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/276-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/276-2.png" + alt="" /></a>Mr. P-rn-ll turns his Back on Public + Opinion. + </div> + + <p>"Matter!" he cried. "Why, twenty minutes to Six is the + matter, and here's all the work done and the House up. It's + absolutely demoralising; portends something uncanny. On Tuesday + we got through the Address in a single short sitting; + yesterday, after meeting at noon, had to adjourn for three + hours and a half; filled up remainder of time with bringing in + Bills; To-day we have an Irish Land Bill brought in and read a + First Time, after a Debate confined to SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S + GATE, and WILFRID LAWSON. Nothing like it seen for sixteen + years. If this kind of thing goes on, you know, we'll get all + the work of the Session done in three months, and perhaps done + better than when it took nine. It's the suddenness that knocks + me over, TOBY. They ought to be more considerate, and begin + more gently."</p> + + <p>Great commotion in Irish circles. Scene slightly shifted. It + seems that Irish Members in re-electing PARNELL on Tuesday, + thought he would relieve them of difficulty by forthwith + resigning. Mr. P. doesn't take that view; thinks it would be + rude, after having been unanimously elected, to appear to + undervalue such remarkable, spontaneous act of confidence; + doesn't care a rap for public opinion.</p> + + <p>"<i>J'y suis, et j'y reste</i>," he says, smiling sweetly + round the table, where his friends forlornly sit.</p> + + <p>"Begorra!" says Mr. O'KEEF, indignantly, "it's bad enough to + have him ruining us and the counthry, without using + blasphaymious language."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Everything on the paper.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/276-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/276-3.png" + alt="" /></a>"Bless-you-my-child!" + </div> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>.—Louis JENNINGS made capital + speech to-night on Motion challenging commutation of certain + perpetual pensions. Seems, among other little jobs, we, the + tax-payers of Great Britain, with Income-tax at sixpence in the + pound, have been paying pension of £2,000 a year to descendant + of the late ELLEN GWYNNE. Select Committee appointed by present + Government to consider whole matter, recommended that no + pension should be commuted at rate so high as twenty-seven + years' purchase. JOKIM, generous with other people's money, + flies in face of recommendation, and comfortably rounds off one + or two of these little jobs with gratuity of twenty-seven + years' purchase. Cheerful to hear this sort of thing denounced + in breezy fashion from Conservative Benches. JENNINGS, amid + loud cheers, hits straight out from the shoulder. WALTER FOSTER + quite delighted. "Bless you, my child," he says, "you ought to + belong to the Radical Party." <i>Business + done</i>.—Agreed that, up to Christmas, Government shall + have all the time.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CHRISTMAS CARDS.—"Here we are again!" as they come + tumbling in, fresh from the hands of the publishers, + HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER. More artistic than ever!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A NEW BANK OF ENGLAND NOTE.—"The force o' this 'ere + observation lies in the Barings of it."—<i>Cap'en Cuttle + adapted</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROBABLE PUBLICATION.—<i>Correct to a Shade</i>. (A + book of ghostly counsel.) By the Author of <i>Betrayed by a + Shadow</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WORLDLY-WISE MOTTO FOR THE WRANGLERS ABOUT "DARKEST + AFRICA."—"Keep it Dark!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ANGLO-FRENCH MOTTO FOR A THOROUGHLY RAINY + DAY.—"<i>Pour Toujours.</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A JOURNALISTIC CITY.—Pressburg.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12739 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12739-h/images/265.png b/12739-h/images/265.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac49a9e --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/265.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/266.png b/12739-h/images/266.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee05591 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/266.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/267.png b/12739-h/images/267.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d10042e --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/267.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/268-1.png b/12739-h/images/268-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f3b2dfc --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/268-1.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/268-2.png b/12739-h/images/268-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..50e03b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/268-2.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/268-3.png b/12739-h/images/268-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..22769cb --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/268-3.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/268-4.png b/12739-h/images/268-4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f0c952 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/268-4.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/268-5.png b/12739-h/images/268-5.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b7795f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/268-5.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/269.png b/12739-h/images/269.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..936ee0b --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/269.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/270.png b/12739-h/images/270.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0c7e8db --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/270.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/271.png b/12739-h/images/271.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0b21cb --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/271.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/273.png b/12739-h/images/273.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..64dba8f --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/273.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/274.png b/12739-h/images/274.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d54c8a --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/274.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/275.png b/12739-h/images/275.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..26781ec --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/275.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/276-1.png b/12739-h/images/276-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6dde7c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/276-1.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/276-2.png b/12739-h/images/276-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..49c9c92 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/276-2.png diff --git a/12739-h/images/276-3.png b/12739-h/images/276-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cb73b17 --- /dev/null +++ b/12739-h/images/276-3.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..50352c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12739 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12739) diff --git a/old/12739-8.txt b/old/12739-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6fadf0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12739-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1611 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., +December 6, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., December 6, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 25, 2004 [EBook #12739] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +December 6, 1890. + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XXII.--THE MANLY MAIDEN. + +The Manly Maiden may be defined as the feminine exaggeration of those +rougher qualities which men display in their intercourse with one +another, or in the pursuit of those sports in which courage, strength, +and endurance play a part. In a fatal moment she conceives the idea +that she can earn the proud title of "a good fellow" by emulating +the fashions and the habits of the robuster sex. She perceives that +men have a liking for men who are strong, bluff, outspoken, and +contemptuous of peril, and she infers mistakenly, that the same +tribute of admiration is certain to be paid to a woman who, setting +the traditions of her sex at defiance, consciously apes the manly +model without a thought of all that the imitation involves. She +forgets that as soon as a woman steps down of her own free will from +the pedestal on which the chivalrous admiration of men has placed her, +she abandons at once her claim to that flattering reticence of speech, +and that specially attentive courtesy of bearing, which are in men the +outward and visible signs of the spiritual grace which they assume +as an attribute of all women. In spite of what the crazy theorists +of the perfect equality school may say, men still continue to expect +and to admire in women precisely those qualities in which they feel +themselves to be chiefly deficient. Their reverence and affection are +bestowed upon her whose voice is ever soft, gentle and low, and whose +mild influence is shed like a balm upon the labours and troubles of +life. Of slang, and of slaps upon the back, of strength, whether of +language or of body, they get enough and to spare amongst themselves, +and they are scarcely to be blamed if at certain moments they should +prefer refinement to roughness, and gentleness to gentlemen. However, +these obvious considerations have no weight with the Manly Maiden. +In fact they never occur to her, and hence arise failures, and +humiliations, and disappointments not a few. + +[Illustration] + +The Manly Maiden is not, as a rule, the natural product of a genuine +country life. The daughter of rich parents, who have spent a great +part of their lives in a centre of commercial activity, she is +introduced to a new home in the country at about the age of fourteen. +Seeing that all those who live in the neighbourhood are in one way or +another associated with outdoor sports, and that the favour in which +the men are held and their fame vary directly as their power to ride +or to shoot straight, she becomes possessed by the notion that she too +must, if she is to please at all, be proficient in the sports of men. +Merely to ride to hounds is, of course, not sufficiently distinctive. +Many women do that, without losing at all the ordinary characteristics +of women. She must ride bare-backed, she must understand a horse's +ailments and his points, she must trudge (in the constant society of +men) over fallows and through turnips in pursuit of partridges, she +must be able to talk learnedly of guns, of powders, and of shot, she +must possess a gun of her own, and think she knows how to use it, she +must own a retriever, and herself make him submissive by the frequent +application of a silver-headed dog-whip. + +These attainments are her ideals of earthly bliss, and she sets out +to realise them with a terrible perseverance. Her father, of course, +knows but little of sport. He is, however, afflicted with the ordinary +desire to shine as a sportsman, and as a host of sportsmen. He +stocks his coverts with game, and invites large shooting parties to +stay with him. He himself takes to a gun as a hen might take to the +water; although, as his daughter contemptuously expresses it, he is +calculated to miss a hippopotamus at ten yards, he seems to imagine, +if one may be permitted to judge from the wild frequency of his shots, +that it is the easiest thing in the world to hit a pheasant or a +partridge flying at ten times that distance. From such a father the +Manly Maiden easily secures permission, first of all, to walk with the +men while they are shooting, and subsequently to carry a gun herself. + +And now the difficulties of the situation begin to make themselves +felt, not, indeed, by her, for she remains sublimely unconscious to +the end, but by the men who are compelled to associate with her upon +her ventures. No man will ever hesitate to rebuke another for carrying +his gun in such a way as to threaten danger; but, when a lady allows +him to inspect the inside of her loaded gun-barrels, or shoots down +the line at an evasive rabbit, he must suffer in silence, and can only +seek compensation for restraining his tongue by incontinently removing +his body to a safe place, where he can neither shoot nor be shot. At +luncheon, however, he may be gratified by hearing the Manly Maiden +rally him on the poor result of his morning's sport. She will then +favour him, at length, with her opinions as to how a driven partridge +or a rocketing pheasant should be shot, flavouring her discourse with +copious extracts from the Badminton books on shooting, and adding here +and there imaginative reminiscences of her own exploits in dealing +death. In the hunting-field she will lose her groom, and babble sport +to the Master, with whom she further ingratiates herself by rating and +lashing one of his favourite hounds, or by heading the fox whenever +he attempts to break away. She then crosses him at an awkward fence, +and considers herself aggrieved by the strong language which breaks +irresistibly from the fallen sportsman's lips. Later on she astonishes +an elderly follower of the hounds by asking him for a draught from his +flask, and completes his amazement by complaining of the thoughtless +manner in which he has diluted his brandy. + +In the evening she will narrate her adventures at length, amidst +a chorus of admiring comments from her fond parents, and their +parasites, and will follow up her triumphs of the day by pursuing the +men into the smoking-room, where she permits one of them to offer +her a cigarette, and imagines that she delights him by accepting it. +On such an occasion she will inform one of her friends that, on the +whole, she has but a poor opinion of Diana of the Ephesians, seeing +that she only hunted with women, and never allowed men to approach +her. From this it may be inferred that her stock of classical +allusions is not quite so accurate and complete as that of a genuine +sportswoman should be. Next morning she may be seen schooling her +horses in the park. She has a touching faith in the use both of spur +and of whip whenever the occasion seems least to demand them, and +she despises the man who rides without rowels, and reverences one who +attempts impossible jumps without discrimination. During the summer +she spends a considerable part of her time in "getting fit" for the +labours of the autumn and winter. Sometimes she even plays cricket, +and has been known to address the ball that bowled her in highly +uncomplimentary terms. + +So the years pass on. She never learns that it is possible for a woman +on certain occasions to be in the way of men, nor does her accuracy +or her care with a gun increase. If she marries at all, she will marry +some feeble creature who has no feeling for sport, and over whom she +can lord it to her heart's content. But it is more probable that she +will remain unwedded, and will develop eventually from a would-be +harding-riding maiden, into a genuinely hard-featured old maid. + + * * * * * + +A MUSICAL POLE STAR. + +The Irish Polar Star Musical, yclept our Paddy REWSKI, gave his last +"recital" at St. James's Hall, Thursday, November 27. Bedad, then, +'tis Misther Paddy REWSKI himself that is the broth of a boy entirely +at the piano-forte, but, Begorra, he's better at the _piano_ than +the _forte._ He gave us a nice mixture of HANDEL, BEETHOVEN, CHOPIN, +LISZT, and then a neat little compo of his own, consisting of a +charming theme, with mighty ingenious and beautiful variations, all +his own, divil a less. Great success for Paddy REWSKI. The Irish Pole, +or Pole-ished Irishman, has thoroughly mastered his art, but if he has +learnt how to master tune he has not yet perfected himself in _keeping +strict time_, as he took his seat at the piano just one quarter of +an hour late. Paddy REWSKI, me bhoy, when next you give us a recital, +remember that punctuality is the soul of business. _Au revoir_, Paddy +REWSKI! + +Yours entirely, JIM KRO MESKI. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS.--Go and see _London Assurance_, with "CHARLES our +friend" in it, at the Criterion. It has, probably, never yet been put +on the stage as it is _hic et nunc_. Well worth seeing as a _curio_. +But what tin-pot nonsense is the Tally-ho speech of _Lady Grace +Harkaway_. And yet it has always "gone," and _London Assurance_ +itself, like the sly Reynard of the speech, has invariably shown good +sport, and given a good run for the money. + + * * * * * + +MAD WAGGERY.--_The Chequers_ is not the name of a wayside inn, but +of one of those modern inventions calculated to help to fill Colney +Hatch. A Puzzle it is, and it can be done--at least so say FELTHAM +& CO. Anyhow, they don't sell the solution, they only provide the +mystery. + + * * * * * + +AN OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS NUMBER (_which is sure not to be +forgotten_).--Number One. + + * * * * * + +A CAUTION TO SNAKES. + +[Illustration: Liberty, in a forest, flees a rattlesnake wearing an +Indian headdress.] + +"There is, however, another opinion prevalent among the less educated +which gives to the Rattle-snake the vindictive spirit of the North +American Indian, and asserts that it adds a new joint to its rattle +whenever it has slain a human being, thus bearing in its tail the +fearful trophies of its prowess, just as the Indians wear the scalps +of slain foes."--_Wood's Natural History_. + + * * * * * + + "INGINS is Snakes!" And from its lair + This snake seems stirring. Who cries "Scare!"? + Well, they who hear the rattle + Close at their heels, its spring will dread, + And wary watch and cautious tread, + And arm as though for battle. + + Even to drive the keen-fanged snake + From its old home in swamp or brake + Irks sensitive humanity; + But they who know the untamed thing, + Have felt its fang, have seen its spring, + Hold mercy mere insanity. + + Untamed, untameable, it hides, + _Anguis in herbâ_, coils and glides, + And strikes when least expected, + And who shall blame its watchful foe + Who stands prepared to strike a blow, + When the swift death's detected? + + In the dark jungle dim and damp + It lurks, and Civilisation's tramp + Disturbs its sanctuary. + Hard on the snake? Perchance, perchance! + But Civilisation, to advance, + Must ruthless be, as wary. + + "Vindictive spirit" of the wild, + 'Twixt you and Progress' pale-faced child + Fated vendetta rages, + And Pity's self stands powerless + To help you counter with success + The onset of the ages. + + Long driven, lingeringly you lurk; + Steel and starvation ply their work + Of slow extermination. + Armed once again Columbia stands, + And who'd arrest avenging hands, + Must challenge--Civilisation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS OF THE BAR. + +A SKETCH IN THE LAW COURTS, SHOWING THE PATIENT AND RESPECTFUL +ATTENTION OF THE COUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFF DURING THE SPEECH OF +COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANT.] + + * * * * * + +The Archbishop of CANTERBURY's learned judgment in the Lincoln Case +was very much after the style in which His Grace parts his hair. It +was a first-rate example of the _Via Media_. + + * * * * * + +A PAGE FROM A POSSIBLE DIARY. + +(_WRITTEN IN THE WILD WEST._) + +_Monday_.--Well, here I am. Guess I have got together a pretty tidy +Army, that should beat BARNUM into small potatoes. The Arabs from +Earl's Court will soon go along straight enough. They seem to miss the +Louvre Theatre over yonder, where they were on the free list. Rather +a pity I can't start a Show here, but I calculate the country is too +disturbed. + +_Tuesday_.--Nothing much doing. Sent along to SMALL BITE, and he has +promised to come round along with a few of the Ghost-Dancers to let +me see what I think of them. Fancy the _ballet_ has been done before. +That clever cuss GUS, must have used it at Covent Garden when he put +up _Robert the Devil_. It seems like the Nun Ballet--uncommonly. + +_Wednesday_.--SMALL BITE is here. He's friendly enough, but his terms +are too high. Fancy they must have been trying to annex him for the +Aquarium. The Ghost-Dance is a fraud. Nothing in it. Might fake +it up a bit with national flags and red fire. But it's decidedly +disappointing. Altogether small pumpkins. + +_Thursday_.--Settlers want to know when I am going to begin. They are +always in such a darned hurry. They ought to know I am the hero of a +hundred fights (see my Autobiography--a few copies of which may still +be had at the almost nominal price of half-a-dollar) and should rely +on me accordingly. Am to visit the Indian Camp to-morrow. + +_Friday_.--Terms agreed. SMALL BITE and fifty braves engage themselves +for six months certain, sharing terms, travelling exes, and one clear +benefit. I find front of the curtain and advertising, they provide +entertainment, which is to include Ghost-Dance (with banners and +red fire) religious rites, war-dance, and scalping expedition +with incidentals (SMALL BITE says he knows "some useful knockabout +niggers") and procession in and out of towns. Think I can boom it. + +_Saturday_.--My connection with war ended. Calculate I start to-morrow +with the Show across the herring-pond, to wake up the Crowned Heads of +Europe! + + * * * * * + +TO THE BIG BACILLICIDE. + + O DOCTOR KOCH, if you can slay + Those horrid germs that kill us, + You'll be _the_ hero of the day, + Great foe of the Bacillus! + What champion may we match with you + In all the world of fable? + St. George, who the Great Dragon slew, + The Knights of ARTHUR's Table, + E'en gallant giant-slaying JACK, + The British nursery's darling; + Or JENNER, against whom the pack + Of faddists now are snarling, + Must second fiddle play to him + Who stayed the plague of phthisis, + And plumbed a mystery more dim + And deep than that of Isis. + For what are Dragons, Laidly Worms, + And such-like mythic scourges, + Compared with microscopic germs + 'Gainst which the war he urges? + Hygeia, goddess, saint, or nymph, + We trust there's no big blunder, + And hope your votary's magic lymph + May prove no nine days' wonder. + We dare not trust each pseudo-seer + Who'd powder, purge, or pill us; + But pyramids to him we'll rear + Who baffles the Bacillus. + + * * * * * + +STRANGE TRANSFORMATION.--From the _Times_ Correspondent, U.S., we +learned, last week, that somebody who had been "a Bull," was now "a +Bear." What next will he be?--A donkey? Or did he begin with this, and +will he end by being a goose? + + * * * * * + +PROSPECT FOR CHRISTMAS.--"TUCK," i.e., RAPHAEL of that ilk. The +"Correct (Christmas) Card." + + * * * * * + +"A PAIR OF SPECTACLES." + +[Illustration] + +The first spectacle classic and Shakspearian: t'other burlesquian, +and PETTIT-cum-SIMS. The one at the Princess's, the other at the +Gaiety. _Place au_ "Divine WILLIAMS"! _Antony and Cleopatra_ is +magnificently put on the stage. The costumes are probably O.K.--"all +correct"--seeing that Mr. LEWIS WINGFIELD pledges his honourable +name for the fact. We might have done with a few less, perhaps, but, +as in the celebrated case of the war-song of the Jingoes, if we've +got the men, and the money too, then there was every reason why the +redoubtable LEWIS (whose name, as brotherly Masons will call to mind, +means "Strength") should have put a whole army of Romans on the stage, +if it so pleased him. + +[Illustration: The Last Scene of Antony and Cleopatra.] + +For its _mise-en-scène_ alone the revival should attract all +London. But there is more than this--there is the clever and careful +impersonation of _Enobarbus_ by His Gracious Heaviness, Mr. ARTHUR +STIRLING; then there is a lighter-comedy touch in the courteous and +gentlemanly rendering of _Octavius Cæsar_ by Mr. F. KEMBLE COOPER--one +of the best things in the piece, but from the inheritor of two such +good old theatrical names, much is expected. And then there is +the _Mark Antony_ of Mr. CHARLES COGHLAN, a rantin', roarin' boy, +this _Antony_, whom no one, I believe, could ever have made really +effective; and finally. Her Graceful Majesty, Mrs. LANGTRY, Queen of +Egyptian Witchery. Now honestly I do not consider _Cleopatra_ a good +part, nor is the play a good play for the matter of that. I believe +it never has been a success, but if, apart from the really great +attraction of gorgeous spectacular effects, there is any one scene +above another which might well draw all London, it is the death of +_Cleopatra_, which to my mind is--after the fall of WOLSEY, and a long +way after, too,--one of the most pathetic pictures ever presented on +the stage. So lonely in her grandeur, so grand, and yet so pitiable in +her loneliness is this poor Queen of Beauty, this Empress-Butterfly, +who can conquer conquerors, and for whose sake not only her noble +lovers, but her poor humble serving-maids, are willing to die. + +[Illustration: The Run of Cleopatra.] + +Her last scene is beyond all compare her best, and to those who are +inclined to be disappointed with the play after the first Act is +over I say, "Wait for the end," and don't leave until the Curtain has +descended on that gracious figure of the Queen of Egypt, attired in +her regal robes, crowned with her diadem, holding her sceptre, but +dead in her chair of state. _Ça donne à penser_. + +_The Gaiety_.--In calling their burlesque _Carmen up to Data_, +possibly the two dear clever boys who wrote it intended some +crypto-jocosity of which the hidden meaning is known only to the +initiated in these sublime mysteries. Why "_Data_"? On the other hand, +"Why not?" + +However attractive or not as a heading in a bill of the play, +the Gaiety _Carmen_ is, on the whole, a merry, bright, and light +burlesque-ish piece, though, except in the costume and make-up of Mr. +ARTHUR WILLIAMS as _Captain Zuniga_, there is nothing extraordinarily +"burlesque" in the appearance of any of the characters, as the +appearance of Mr. HORACE MILLS as _Remendado_ belongs more to +Christmas pantomime than to the sly suggestiveness of real burlesque. + +[Illustration: Scene from the Cigarette History of _Carmen_.] + +As Miss ST. JOHN simply looks, acts, and sings as a genuine _Carmen_, +I can only suppose that her voice is not strong enough for the real +Opera; otherwise I doubt whether any better operatic impersonator of +the real character could be found. She is not the least bit burlesque, +and though the songs she has to sing are nothing like so telling +as those she has had given her in former pieces, yet, through her +rendering, most are encored, and all thoroughly appreciated. + +[Illustration: In for a good Run on the "Bogie" System.] + +Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMS as _Zuniga_ is very droll, reminding some of us, +by his make-up and jerky style, of MILHER as the comic _Valentine_ +in _Le Petit Faust_. Mr. LONNEN is also uncommonly good as the spoony +soldier, and in the telling song of "_The Bogie Man_;" and in the +still more telling dance with which he finishes it and makes his exit, +he makes _the_ hit of the evening,--in fact the hit by which the +piece will he remembered, and to which it owes the greater part of its +success. + +In the authors' latest adaptation of the very ancient "business" of +"the statues"--consisting of a verse, and then an attitude, I was +disappointed, as I had been led to believe that here we should see +what Mr. LONNEN could do in the Robsonian or burlesque-tragedy style. +The brilliancy of the costumes, of the scenery, the grace of the four +dancers, and the excellence of band and chorus, under the direction +of that ancient mariner MEYER LUTZ, are such as are rarely met with +elsewhere. + +Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES may now attend to the building of his new theatre, +as _Carmen up to Data_ will not give him any trouble for some time to +come. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Only a Penny! And well worth every halfpenny of it. I am alluding +to the Christmas Number of the _Penny Illustrated Paper_, in which +appears _A Daughter of the People_, by JOHN LATEY, Junior, who is +Junior than ever in December. Capital Christmas Number, and will +attract an extraordinary number of Christmas readers. + +_The Rosebud Annual_, published by JAMES CLARK & CO., is quite a +bright posy for our very little ones. + +Turning from novels, it is a relief to come across so inviting a +little volume as the _Pocket Atlas, and Gazetteer of Canada_, which +will be found of the greatest possible value to eccentric Londoners +who purpose visiting the Dominion during the coming Winter. + +"_Persicos odi_," but you won't agree with HORACE if you follow this +"_puer apparatus_" of G. NORWAY, who, in _Hussein's Hostage_, gives us +the exciting adventures of a Persian boy. + +_'Twixt School and College_, by GORDON STABLES, has nothing to do +with horsey experiences, as suggested by the author's name, but is the +uneventful home-life of a poor Scotch laddie, who triumphs by dint of +pluck. + +_Nutbrown Roger and I_, by J.H. YOXALL, a romance of the highway, +quite in the correct style of disguises and blunderbusses always so +necessary for a tale of this kind. + +_Disenchantment_ is the--not altogether--enticing title of "an +everyday story," by F. MABEL ROBINSON, author of _The Plan of +Campaign_. It is rather a long tale to tell, for it takes 432 pages +in the unravelling. It ends with a beautiful avowal that "the heart +is no more unchanging than the mind, and that love's not immortal, +but an illusion." As the utterer of this truism is a young married +woman, it would seem that the foundation is laid for a sequel to +_Disenchantment_ that might be appropriately called _Divorce_. + +_The Secret of the Old House_, by EVELYN EVERETT GREEN, who evidently +can't keep a secret to himself, will be so no longer when the children +have satisfied their curiosity by reading the book. + +My faithful "Co." declares that he has been recently hard at work +novel-reading. He has been revelling in an atmosphere of romance. +He has been moved almost to tears by _Lady Hazleton's Confession_, +by Mrs. KENT SPENDER, which, he says, includes, amongst many moving +passages, some glimpses of Parliamentary life. _Friend Olivia_, in +one bulky volume, takes the reader back to the days of CROMWELL, when +people said "hath," instead of "has," and "pray resolve me truly," +instead of "don't sell me;" and "Mr. JOHN MILTON" played upon the +organ. It has a fine old crusty Puritan flavour about it, which, +however, does not prevent the hero and heroine, in the last page, +reading a letter together, "with smiles, and little laughs, and sweet +asides, and sweeter kisses." Altogether, a book to read when a library +does _not_ contain WALTER SCOTT, ALEXANDRE DUMAS _père_, G.P.R. JAMES, +or HARRISON AINSWORTH. _Two Masters_ deals with passages in the life +of a young lady who is described as "a Boarding-school Miss" in Volume +I., and "a young she-fiend" in Volume III. However, it is only right +to say, that the last compliment is paid to her by a gentlemanly +murderer, who takes poison and a cigarette, with a view to escaping a +justly-deserved death on the gallows. From this it may be seen, that +the novel is at times slightly sensational. Fearing that his Christmas +might be saddened by this last ghastly incident, were not the +impression created by it partially removed by less highly-seasoned +fare, my faithful "Co." has also read _Mary Hamilton, a Tale for +Girls, My Schoolfellows_, and _Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble_. He considers +the first admirably adapted to the comprehension of the readers to +whom it is addressed, only the girls, he says, should be _very_ young +girls. _My Schoolfellows_ he intends reading again when he has reached +his second childhood, when he fancies he will be better pleased with +the humours of "_Guzzling Gus_" and "_Ned Never Mind_." In conclusion, +he admits that he is a little doubtful about the merits or demerits of +_Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble_. He explains, that while he was reading it +he "fell a thinking," and that when he woke up, the volume was lying +on the floor. Since then, he adds, he really has not had the leisure +to pick it up. + +_The Snake's Pass_, by BRAM STOKER, M.A. (SAMPSON LOW), is a simple +love-story, a pure idyl of Ireland, which does not seem, after all, to +be so distressful a country to live in. Whiskey punch flows like milk +through the land; the loveliest girls abound, and seem instinctively +to be drawn towards the right man. Also there are jooled crowns to be +found by earnest seekers, with at least one large packing-case crammed +with rare coins. The love-scenes are frequent and tempting. BRAM has +an eye to scenery, and can describe it. He knows the Irish peasant, +and reproduces his talk with a fidelity which almost suggests that he, +too, is descended from one of the early kings, whereas, as everyone +knows, he lives in London and adds grace and dignity to "the front" of +the Lyceum on First Nights and others. He is perfectly overwhelming +in his erudition in respect of the science of drainage, which, if all +stories be true, he might find opportunity of turning to account in +the every-day (or, rather, every-night) world of the theatre. In his +novel he utilises it in the preliminaries of shifting a mighty bog, +the last stages whereof are described in a chapter that, for sustained +interest, recalls CHARLES READE's account of the breaking of the +Sheffield Reservoir. The novel-reader will do well not to pass by _The +Snake's Pass_. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +RED VERSUS BLACK. + +(_TWO VIEWS OF THE SAME PLACE, BY GENTLEMEN "WHO WRITE TO THE +PAPERS."_) + +_Opinion No. 1._--Monte Carlo! One of the most disgraceful places in +Europe--a blot upon our civilisation. The gambling is productive of +the greatest possible misery. It is an institution that should be held +up to the execration of mankind. All the riffraff of the globe are +attracted to this hideous spot. The place is like an upas-tree, under +which everything noble and good languishes and dies! The form of +Government is absolutely immoral. It is a scandal that rates, and +taxes, and public improvements should be paid for out of the private +purse of the Director. He could not afford it had he not made a +fortune out of his ill-gotten gains! Anyone who has watched at +the tables knows that the chances are absolutely unfair--that the +Direction must win. Not that this matters much. It is the general +immorality of the place that is so alarming. The place should be +closed at once; and persons who have lost anything, say, during the +last year, should have their money promptly returned to them. And I +say this without any bias, although I _did_ back Red, and Black came +up ten times running! + +P.S.--Just won a trifle. Not so sure that my pessimist view may not be +modified. + +_Opinion No. 2._--Monte Carlo! Without exception, the loveliest +spot in Europe. The so-called gambling is the cause of numberless +blessings. It is an institution that should be held up to the +admiration of mankind. All the aristocracy of the civilised world +flock to it to indulge in a recreation to which only the greatly +prejudiced can possibly take exception. The Government is benevolent +to the last degree. In what other country are rates, taxes, and +improvements paid for you? If the Director were not the best of men, +how could this be done? The play itself is absolutely fair. And, with +a system, and a sufficiency of capital, anyone is able to realise a +large fortune in less than no time. Not that this absolute certainty +should be taken into consideration. It is the general morality of the +place that is so encouraging. The place should never close. And it +would be a graceful thing if those who have laid in a store for their +old age were to return a trifle, to be expended on some charity. And +I say this without any bias, although I have backed Black ten times +successfully. + +P.S.--Just lost all I had. Not so sure that my optimist view is not +open to rectification! + + * * * * * + +BULL AND BULLION. + +(_ON GOLD, AFTER GOLDSMITH._) + + When British Commerce stoops to folly, + And finds too late that Bonds betray, + What charm can soothe her melancholy, + And the big rush for bullion stay? + + To save herself from shameful ruin + (Ask Monsieur LAUR!) her only chance + Lies--full revenge for Waterloo!--in + Big borrowings from generous France. + + * * * * * + +_Mr. Punch Among the Planets_ is the title of _Mr. Punch's_ Christmas +Number, _vice_ Almanack superseded. Ask for this, and "see that you +get it"! + + * * * * * + +VOX STELLARUM.--The New Comet, November 19, Boston, U.S., suddenly +appeared, and was heard to exclaim, "But, soft! I am observed!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENES OF CLERICAL LIFE.--A DIOCESAN CONFERENCE. + +"LOOK 'ERE, BILL! BLEST IF THESE BEAN'T A LOT O' PARSONS ON STRIKE!"] + + * * * * * + +"SEPARATISTS." + +(_FRAGMENTS OF A MODERN "MARMION."_) + + "But DOUGLAS round him drew his cloak, + Folded his arms, and thus he spoke:-- + * * * * * + 'The hand of DOUGLAS is his own, + And never shall in friendly grasp + The hand of such as MARMION clasp.'" + * * * * * + + "The hand of such as MARMION!" Ay! + Great Singer of the knightly lay, + Thy tale of Flodden field + Is darkened by unknightly stain. + That slackened arm and burdened brain + Of him found low among the slain, + Constrained at last to yield + To a mere "base marauder's lance;" + He, firm of front and cold of glance, + The dark, the dauntless MARMION.-- + The days of chivalry are gone, + Dispraisers of the present say, + Yet men arm still for party fray + As fierce as foray old; + And mail is donned, and steel is drawn, + And champions challenging at dawn + Ere night lie still and cold. + Two champions here 'midst loud applause, + Have led the lists in a joint cause + On many a tourney morn, + Have fought to vanward in the field + Full many an hour, and, sternly steeled, + One banner forward borne. + And now--ah, well, as DOUGLAS old + On MARMION looked sternly cold, + So looks this Chieftain grey + On his old comrade, though the fight + Is forward now, and many a knight + Is arming for the fray. + As "the demeanour changed and cold + Of DOUGLAS fretted MARMION bold," + Has this old greyhaired Chieftain's chill + Fretted that man of icy will? + Who knows--or cares to know? + At least he "has to learn ere long + That constant mind, and hate of wrong" + Than steely pride are yet more strong; + That shame can strike a blow + At comradeship more fatal far + Than any chance of fateful war + When faction howled with Cerberus throat, + When falsehood struck a felon stroke, + When forgery did its worst + To pull its hated quarry down, + To dim, disarm, degrade, discrown. + Against the array accurst + That ancient chief made gallant head, + Dismayed not, nor disquieted + At rancour's rude assault. + He shared opprobrium undeserved, + But not for that had courage swerved, + Or loyalty made default. + But now? The hand that reared hath razed; + And as old ANGUS stood amazed + At WILTON's shameful tale, + So fealty here must bend the brow, + And faith, though sorely tried, till now + Surviving, faint and fail; + As DOUGLAS round him drew his cloak, + So, saddened by unknightly stroke, + The ancient chief must draw; + Nor in mere pharisaic scorn, + But in the name of faith foresworn + And honour's broken law. + + "'Tis pity of him, too!" 'Twas so, + The half-relenting ANGUS, low + Spake in his snowy beard. + "Bold can he speak, and fairly ride: + I warrant him a warrior tried." + A foeman to be feared, + A leader to be trusted, seemed + This dark, cold chief, and few had dreamed + Of such strange severance. + And any not ignoble eye + In sorrow more than mockery + Aside will gladly glance. + 'Tis pity of it! Right or wrong, + The Cause needs champions true as strong, + And blameless as they're bold. + "A sinful heart makes feeble hand," + Cried MARMION, his "failing brand" + Cursing with lips grown cold. + Let vulgar venom triumph here, + And hate, itself from shame not clear, + Make haste to hurl the stone; + A nobler foe will stand aside, + And more in sorrow than in pride, + Not hot to harry or deride, + Like DOUGLAS in his halls abide, + But keep his hand--his own! + + * * * * * + +FROM A THEATRICAL CORRESPONDENT.--Sir,--I know a lot about London +and N.B., but never till now did I know of the existence of 'ARRY +in Scotland. The character is now represented, as I am informed, +on the stage, by Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, who, in a play called _Back_, +impersonates the MAC ARRY. Odd, this! for the McCOCKNIE. P.S.--One +lives and learns. [*** If McCOCKNIE is to learn much, he will have to +become a McMETHUSELAH. The piece to which he alludes is _Called Back_, +by HUGH CONWAY and COMYNS CARR, and the part in it, excellently played +by Mr. TREE, is _Macari_, an Italian.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SEPARATISTS." + +Douglas ... Mr. Gl-dst-ne. Marmion ... Mr. P-rn-ll. + +Douglas. "THE HAND OF DOUGLAS IS HIS OWN; AND NEVER SHALL IN FRIENDLY +GRASP THE HAND OF SUCH AS MARMION CLASP!"--_Marmion_, Canto VI.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY VERY MUCH AT SEA. + +(_AN INCIDENT OF MR. ASHMEAD-BARTLETT'S RECENT TOUR IN IRELAND._) + +_Mr. A.B._ "WHY PAT, MY LAD, I SEE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN OF HERE. THESE +POTATOES ARE REMARKABLY FINE!" + +_Pat_. "BEDAD, SOR, BUT THEY'RE NOT PRATIES AT ALL, AT ALL. SHURE, +IT'S THE TURNIPS YOUR HONOUR'S LOOKING AT!"] + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +"The Royal Society of Painters in Water-Colours?" said young PAR. +"Nonsense! why all the water is frozen now, and so they can't paint!" +"Precisely," replied I; "and that's why it is a nice exhibition!" +This so startled Young PAR that he slipped and fell. I turned into +the Gallery in Pall Mall, and left him sitting on the cold hard flags +outside. Inside pleasant enough. BIRKET FOSTER's "_Island of Rum_" +very comforting--should like some hot. HERBERT MARSHALL--our own +City MARSHALL--has gone further afield, to "_Old Chelsea_." Should +now be called the Field MAR SHALL. MATTHEW HALE, in "_Gathering +Blackberries_," is a hail fellow well met! "_The Corso, Verona_," by +S.J. HODSON, shows that HODSON's choice is a good one. HENRY MOORE's +sea-pieces--the more the merrier, say I. "_Warkworth--Sunlit Shower_," +by A.W. HUNT: a walk worth taking when the hunt is up. "_Holidays Past +and Future_," suggests wide subjects and open spaces. Why, then, is +it painted by SMALLFIELD? "_Wreck of the Halswell_," is a terrible +catastrophe. Can't be "All's Well." Possibly the painter, G.H. +ANDREWS, means "all swell"--that seems a great deal more likely. +ALBERT GOODWIN shows himself to be a good winner in the "_Ponte +Vecchio, Florence_." DU MAURIER delights us with some clever Society +sketches in pen and pencil. The veteran, Sir JOHN GILBERT, is as +young, as dashing, as vigorous as ever. H.G. GLINDONI has two pictures +full of humour and character. STACY MARKS' "_Cockatoo_" looks as if +it had just flown in from the Zoo. "_Au Sgarnach_," by C.B. PHILLIP. +Title difficult to understand. Landscape easy to comprehend. A close +study of Nature, admirably painted. A wholesome Phillippic against +namby-pamby prettiness. "_On the Thames_," by G.A. FRIPP, honestly +painted, and no frippery about it. Miss CLARA MONTALBA has a large +number of pictures of Venice--and Mr. RIDGE comes up and says he is +the Keeper. What Keeper? He whispers, he is the Keeper of the Cold +Out--What an oridginal remark!--and will I step into the Committee +Room? I do, and remain there, and continue to be + +Yours par-adoxically, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE HOPERA. + +I was habel the other day to do BROWN a good turn by getting him +engaged at won of our big Otels, so he kindly offerd to stand a +supper, and then take me to the Hopera at Common Garden. We went to +see _Horfay_. + +It seems that wunce upon a time, ever so many thowsand years ago, +before there was not no Lord Mares, nor no Shirryffs, nor not ewen +no Aldermen, a Gent of the name of _Horfay_ lived in Grease. He was +the werry grandest Fiddler of his time, a regler JOEY KIM. Well, he +married a werry bewtiful wife, of the name of _Yourridisee_, and they +was both werry appy, till one day, as she was a having a run in a +field, a norrid serpent bit her in her heel; so she died. Well, while +poor _Mr. Horfay_ is a telling us all about his trubbel, in comes a +werry bewtiful young lady with a pair of most bewtiful wings on, and +she werry kindly gives him a new sort of magic Fiddle, called, as I +was told, A Liar! to go to--go down to _you kno where_, to git his +wife back! Off he goes, and the neks sean shows us the werry plaice, +all filled with savidges, and demons, and snakes, and things; and +presently, when _Mr. Horfay_ is seen a cumming down, all the demons +and savidges runs at him to stop him; but he holds up the Liar, and +begins for to sing, and most bewtifully too, tho' I didn't kno the +tune; they all makes way for him, and he gos bang into lots of big +flames, and so I werry naterally thort as how it was all over. But +not a bit of it, for in the werry next sean we sees him with his Liar +in a most lovly garden, all full of most lovly flowers and trees, and +numbers of bewtiful ladies, a dancing and enjoying theirselves like +fun, until his Liar leads him rite up to his wife, and then he raps +harf his scarf round her, and off they gos together, both on 'em +dowtless a longing for a reel nupshal kiss, but poor _Mr. Horfay_ not +a daring for to look at her, becoz if he does before he gets her home, +she will be ded again direckly! Was there hever such a tanterlising +case ever known! When she sings to him to give her one loving look, +he sings to her to say he mustn't, until at larst she sets down on a +nice cumferel-looking sofy, as appens for to be in the werry middel of +the street, and says, werry artfully, as she carn't go not one step +farther, when in course he turns round, and rushes up to her to have +one fond embrace, and, thank goodness, they has it, and then she falls +back dead! + +Well, now, I knos as I'm ony a mere Hed Waiter, and, therefore, not +xpected to have any werry fine feelings, like my betters has, but + +I do declare that, when I saw this sad, sad end to all that grand +amount of reel true Love, the tears run down my cheeks like rain, and +I was a getting up to go away, when presently in came the lovly angel +again, whose name I was told was Love, and told him that such love +as his could conker Death itself; and she brort the pore wife to life +again, and all hended, as all things shood end, jovial, and cumferal, +and happy. What a wunderful thing is Music! It didn't seem at all +strange to me that not one single word was spoke all the heavening, +but ewery word sung, and in a forren tung, too, that I didn't +hunderstand, the bewtiful story kep my atention fixt the hole time, +and I warked home in the poring rain, werry thankful, and jest a +leetle prowd, that in one thing, at least, I was not xacly like BROWN, +who slept carm and content thro the hole of the larst hact. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +THE FATE OF SALVATION ARMY GENERALS. + + "Each General is, by a deed of appointment, executed and + placed in safe custody with certain formalities, &c."--_Gen. + Booth's Letter to the Times, Nov._ 27. + +This is dreadful! Why should the Generals be executed? What have they +done to deserve this cruel fate? And what is the use of placing them +in safe custody _after_ they have been executed? And what are the +"certain formalities"? We pause for a reply to all these questions. + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE.--CHRISTMAS IS COMING.--In the _Morning Post_, one day last +week, appeared an announcement to the effect that Madame NOËL had +left one residence in the West End for another in the same quarter. +Odd this, just now. But go where she will, _Le bon père_ NOËL will be +in London and the country on the 25th instant; so the best way is to +prepare to receive Father Christmas. + + * * * * * + +SO-HO, THERE!--Some persons think that the proper place for "The +Pelican" ought still to be--the wilderness. + + * * * * * + +NOVELTY.--Quartette for three players--"Whist! the Dumby Man!" + + * * * * * + +EDUCATIONAL WORK (BY C.S. P-RN-LL).--_The Crammer's Guide to +Politics_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IRISH ACTORS IN AMERICA.] + + * * * * * + +A DRESS DRAMA. + +(BY A PERPLEXED PLAYWRIGHT.) + + I've got myself into a horrible mess, + Of that there can be no manner of doubt, + And my forehead is aching, because I've been making + A desperate effort to get myself out, + And I'm given away, so it seemeth to me, + Like a threepenny vase with a pound of tea. + + I promised an actress to write her a play, + With herself, of course, in the leading part, + With abundance of bathos paraded as pathos, + And a gallery death of a broken heart-- + It's a capital plan, I find, to try + To arrange a part where the audience cry. + + So I quickly think of a beautiful plot, + The interest ne'er for an instant flags; + The sorrowful ending is almost heart-rending, + As the heroine comes on in tatters and rags. + It is better than aught I have thought of before, + And will certainly run for a twelvemonth or more. + + Yet, alas! for my prospect of glory and gain, + She has strangled my play at its moment of birth, + For now she has written to say she is smitten + With the newest designs and creations of WORTH, + And to quote her own words--"As a matter of fact, + I've a couple of costumes for every act." + + Then there follows a list of the things she has bought, + Though I'm puzzled indeed as to what it may mean. + She is painfully pat in her jargon of satin, + Alpaca, nun's veiling, tulle, silk, grenadine, + And she asks me to say if I honestly think + She should die in pearl-grey, golden-brown, or shrimp-pink? + + So here I am left in this pitiful plight. + With nothing but dresses, what _am_ I to do? + For I haven't a notion what kind of emotion + Is suited to coral or proper for blue; + And if, when she faints, but they think she is dead, + Old-gold or sea-green would be better than red. + + Will crushed strawberry do for an afternoon call? + For the evening would salmon or olive be right? + May a charming young fellow embrace her in yellow? + Must she sorrow in black? Must I wed her in white? + Till, dazed and bewildered, my eyesight grows dim, + And my head, throbbing wildly, commences to swim. + + 'Twere folly and madness to try any more, + I know what I'll do--in a letter to-day + I will just tell her plainly how utterly vainly + I've striven and struggled to finish her play; + And then--happy thought!--I will mildly suggest + That she'll find for her purpose BUCHANAN the best. + + I shall now write a play without dresses at all, + A plan, which I'm sure will be perfectly new. + Yet opposed to convention, why merely the mention + Of a thing so immodest will startle a few; + And, although it's a pity, I shrewdly suspect + The Lord Chamberlain might deem it right to object. + + Better still! from the French I will boldly convey + What will be (in two senses) the talk of the town. + You insist on a moral? Well, pray do not quarrel + With the one that I now for your guidance lay down, + That of excellent maxims this isn't the worst-- + _Let the play, not the dresses, be settled the first!_ + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING IN A NAME.--What a happily appropriate name for the Chief +Magistrate of so fashionable a watering-place as Brighton is Mr. +SOPER! Whether he is soft SOPER, or Hard SOPER, or Scented SOPER, it +matters not; it is only a pity that after his year of office, if the +Brightonian Bathers can spare him, he should not be transferred to +Windsor. Old Windsor SOPER--what a splendid title for the Mayor of the +Royal town! No doubt he will show himself active and energetic during +his Mayoralty, and that at Brighton henceforth a totally opposite +meaning from the ordinary one will be given to the description of a +speech as "a SOPER-ific." At east, it is 'oped so, for the sake of +SOPER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET. + +"AND ARE _YOU_ GOING TO GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY, AUNTY +MAUD?" + +"OF COURSE, DARLING." + +"THEN _DON'T_ LET IT BE _SOMETHING USEFUL!_"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Tuesday Night, November 25_.--New Session opened +to-day. Remarkable gathering of Members in the Lords to hear Queen's +Speech read. Unusual excitement, though heroically restrained in +presence of LORD CHANCELLOR, supported on Woolsack by four figures +in red cloaks and cocked hats, borrowed for occasion from Madame +Tussaud's. HALSBURY lost his temper once when Commission being read. +Tussaud's man, sent down to work the figures--make them take off their +cocked hats and nod upon cue being given by Reading Clerk--was on +duty for first time; much interested in arrival of Commons at the Bar; +instead of lying low behind Woolsack and minding his business, kept +poking his head round to peer forth on scene. At last, LORD CHANCELLOR +in hoarse whisper threatened to send him to Clock Tower if he didn't +behave properly. + +After this all went well; figures bringing their right elbow up with a +jerk, took off their hats at precisely right moment, and replaced them +without a hitch. They were labelled "Lord LATHOM," "Earl of COVENTRY," +"Lord BROWNLOW," and "Lord KNUTSFORD." LORD CHANCELLOR sat in the +middle. The ladies on floor of House watched them with much interest. + +"Such _dear_ old things," said one, when the figure labelled "Earl of +COVENTRY" cleverly pretended to sneeze. "I wish they'd do it all over +again; but I suppose the springs have run down." + +In the Commons, everyone on the look out for PARNELL. What would he +do? Where would he sit? What would he say? Or, would he come at all? +Nobody knew. Some suspected last guess most probable. Towards Three +o'Clock whisper went round that he was here. SARK had seen him +crossing Lobby, with green spectacles and umbrella, and his hair died +crimson. Was now in room with Irish Party, arranging about Leadership. +Understood before House met that he was to retire from Leadership till +fumes from Divorce Court had passed away. Then alliance between Home +Rulers and Liberals would go on as before, and all would be well. +Ministerialists downcast at this prospect; Liberals chirpy; a great +difficulty avoided. Soon be in smooth water again. + +Waiting in House for business to commence. SPEAKER away for cause that +saddens everyone; COURTNEY to take the Chair at Four o'Clock; meeting +of Irish Members still going forward. When business concluded, PARNELL +would quietly walk out; they would take their places, and things +would go on as if no one had ever heard of Eltham, of alarums and +excursions, of exits by fire-escapes, and entrances by back doors. + +Thinking of these things, I was standing by Sergeant-at-Arms' chair; +heard a scuffling noise behind; looked round, and lo! there was +PARNELL entering House by Distinguished Strangers' Gallery, descending +by swarming down the end pillar, which supports Gallery from floor of +House. + +"Good gracious!" I cried. "What are you doing?" + +"I'm catching the last post," said PARNELL, smiling blandly, as, +reaching the floor, he unclasped arms and legs from the pillar and +quietly walked over to his ordinary place as if this were the usual +way of an Hon. Member approaching his seat. + +Direful news rapidly spread. PARNELL not going to retire from +Leadership! On contrary, meant to stay, ignoring little events brought +to light in the Divorce Court. Ministerialists jubilant; Liberals +depressed; the whole situation changed; prospects of Liberal +supremacy, so certain yesterday, suddenly blighted; talk of Mr. G. +retiring from the fray; spoke on Address just now, but no fight +left in him; the Opposition wrung out like a damp cloth; even GEORGE +CAMPBELL dumb, and Dr. CLARK indefinitely postponed Amendment long +threatened. By ten o'clock the whole thing had flickered out. Address, +which of late has taken three weeks to pass, agreed to in three hours. + +[Illustration: Up a Tree.] + +Mr. G. went off as soon as OLD MORALITY had finished his modest +speech. Walked with him across the Park to Carlton Terrace. Haven't +seen him to speak to since Midlothian. What a change! Then elate, +confident, energetic, tingling with life to his finger-ends; to-night +shrunken, limp, despondent, almost heart-broken. + +"Don't you think, Sir," I said, "that, after to-day's experience, Home +Rule has a new terror? You remember how, seven or eight years ago, the +Irish Members used to stand up in the House and personally vilify you. +Then, when you came round to their side, the very same men beslabbered +you with fulsome adulation. Now, when there is another parting of +the ways, when you pit yourself, your authority, and your character, +against their chosen Leader, they rudely turn their backs on you, +and tell you to mind your own business. How'll it be, do you think, +when you've finally served their purpose, and made possible the +accomplishment of their aim? When you have made them Masters in +Dublin, will they care any more for the views and prejudices of you +and your Liberal Party than they have done to-day?" + +"TOBY, dear boy," said Mr. G., "you're a young dog yet. When you come +to my age, you'll have learned that there is no gratitude in politics. +But we won't talk of it any more. I'm a little tired to-night." + +So we walked in silence up the steps, by the Duke of YORK's Column. + +_Business done_.--Address agreed to. Mr. P. flouts Mr. G. + +_Thursday_.--House up at twenty minutes to Six, having got through +rattling lot of business. Prince ARTHUR been sailing up and down +floor, bringing in Land Bills and Railway Bills. HICKS-BEACH depressed +with legacy of Tithes Bill. + +"Cheer up, BEACH," says CRANBORNE, tugging at his moustache à la +GRANDOLPH; "you may depend upon me. Keep your eye on your young +friend, and he will pull you through." + +"Thank you," said BEACH, with something more than his customary +effusive manner. + +JACKSON toying round the table, packing and unpacking papers, looking +at his watch and the clock, vaguely whistling, and absently rubbing +his hands. + +"What's the matter?" I asked. "You seem out of sorts." + +[Illustration: Mr. P-rn-ll turns his Back on Public Opinion.] + +"Matter!" he cried. "Why, twenty minutes to Six is the matter, +and here's all the work done and the House up. It's absolutely +demoralising; portends something uncanny. On Tuesday we got through +the Address in a single short sitting; yesterday, after meeting at +noon, had to adjourn for three hours and a half; filled up remainder +of time with bringing in Bills; To-day we have an Irish Land Bill +brought in and read a First Time, after a Debate confined to SAGE +OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, and WILFRID LAWSON. Nothing like it seen for +sixteen years. If this kind of thing goes on, you know, we'll get all +the work of the Session done in three months, and perhaps done better +than when it took nine. It's the suddenness that knocks me over, TOBY. +They ought to be more considerate, and begin more gently." + +Great commotion in Irish circles. Scene slightly shifted. It seems +that Irish Members in re-electing PARNELL on Tuesday, thought he would +relieve them of difficulty by forthwith resigning. Mr. P. doesn't +take that view; thinks it would be rude, after having been unanimously +elected, to appear to undervalue such remarkable, spontaneous act of +confidence; doesn't care a rap for public opinion. + +"_J'y suis, et j'y reste_," he says, smiling sweetly round the table, +where his friends forlornly sit. + +"Begorra!" says Mr. O'KEEF, indignantly, "it's bad enough to have him +ruining us and the counthry, without using blasphaymious language." + +_Business done_.--Everything on the paper. + +[Illustration: "Bless-you-my-child!"] + +_Friday Night_.--Louis JENNINGS made capital speech to-night on +Motion challenging commutation of certain perpetual pensions. Seems, +among other little jobs, we, the tax-payers of Great Britain, with +Income-tax at sixpence in the pound, have been paying pension of +£2,000 a year to descendant of the late ELLEN GWYNNE. Select Committee +appointed by present Government to consider whole matter, recommended +that no pension should be commuted at rate so high as twenty-seven +years' purchase. JOKIM, generous with other people's money, flies in +face of recommendation, and comfortably rounds off one or two of these +little jobs with gratuity of twenty-seven years' purchase. Cheerful to +hear this sort of thing denounced in breezy fashion from Conservative +Benches. JENNINGS, amid loud cheers, hits straight out from the +shoulder. WALTER FOSTER quite delighted. "Bless you, my child," +he says, "you ought to belong to the Radical Party." _Business +done_.--Agreed that, up to Christmas, Government shall have all the +time. + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS CARDS.--"Here we are again!" as they come tumbling in, fresh +from the hands of the publishers, HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER. More +artistic than ever! + + * * * * * + +A NEW BANK OF ENGLAND NOTE.--"The force o' this 'ere observation lies +in the Barings of it."--_Cap'en Cuttle adapted_. + + * * * * * + +PROBABLE PUBLICATION.--_Correct to a Shade_. (A book of ghostly +counsel.) By the Author of _Betrayed by a Shadow_. + + * * * * * + +WORLDLY-WISE MOTTO FOR THE WRANGLERS ABOUT "DARKEST AFRICA."--"Keep it +Dark!" + + * * * * * + +ANGLO-FRENCH MOTTO FOR A THOROUGHLY RAINY DAY.--"_Pour Toujours._" + + * * * * * + +A JOURNALISTIC CITY.--Pressburg. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., December 6, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12739-8.txt or 12739-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/7/3/12739/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., December 6, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 25, 2004 [EBook #12739] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 6, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page265" + id="page265"></a>[pg 265]</span> + + <h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. XXII.—THE MANLY MAIDEN.</h3> + + <p>The Manly Maiden may be defined as the feminine exaggeration + of those rougher qualities which men display in their + intercourse with one another, or in the pursuit of those sports + in which courage, strength, and endurance play a part. In a + fatal moment she conceives the idea that she can earn the proud + title of "a good fellow" by emulating the fashions and the + habits of the robuster sex. She perceives that men have a + liking for men who are strong, bluff, outspoken, and + contemptuous of peril, and she infers mistakenly, that the same + tribute of admiration is certain to be paid to a woman who, + setting the traditions of her sex at defiance, consciously apes + the manly model without a thought of all that the imitation + involves. She forgets that as soon as a woman steps down of her + own free will from the pedestal on which the chivalrous + admiration of men has placed her, she abandons at once her + claim to that flattering reticence of speech, and that + specially attentive courtesy of bearing, which are in men the + outward and visible signs of the spiritual grace which they + assume as an attribute of all women. In spite of what the crazy + theorists of the perfect equality school may say, men still + continue to expect and to admire in women precisely those + qualities in which they feel themselves to be chiefly + deficient. Their reverence and affection are bestowed upon her + whose voice is ever soft, gentle and low, and whose mild + influence is shed like a balm upon the labours and troubles of + life. Of slang, and of slaps upon the back, of strength, + whether of language or of body, they get enough and to spare + amongst themselves, and they are scarcely to be blamed if at + certain moments they should prefer refinement to roughness, and + gentleness to gentlemen. However, these obvious considerations + have no weight with the Manly Maiden. In fact they never occur + to her, and hence arise failures, and humiliations, and + disappointments not a few.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/265.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/265.png" + alt="The Manly Maiden." /></a> + </div> + + <p>The Manly Maiden is not, as a rule, the natural product of a + genuine country life. The daughter of rich parents, who have + spent a great part of their lives in a centre of commercial + activity, she is introduced to a new home in the country at + about the age of fourteen. Seeing that all those who live in + the neighbourhood are in one way or another associated with + outdoor sports, and that the favour in which the men are held + and their fame vary directly as their power to ride or to shoot + straight, she becomes possessed by the notion that she too + must, if she is to please at all, be proficient in the sports + of men. Merely to ride to hounds is, of course, not + sufficiently distinctive. Many women do that, without losing at + all the ordinary characteristics of women. She must ride + bare-backed, she must understand a horse's ailments and his + points, she must trudge (in the constant society of men) over + fallows and through turnips in pursuit of partridges, she must + be able to talk learnedly of guns, of powders, and of shot, she + must possess a gun of her own, and think she knows how to use + it, she must own a retriever, and herself make him submissive + by the frequent application of a silver-headed dog-whip.</p> + + <p>These attainments are her ideals of earthly bliss, and she + sets out to realise them with a terrible perseverance. Her + father, of course, knows but little of sport. He is, however, + afflicted with the ordinary desire to shine as a sportsman, and + as a host of sportsmen. He stocks his coverts with game, and + invites large shooting parties to stay with him. He himself + takes to a gun as a hen might take to the water; although, as + his daughter contemptuously expresses it, he is calculated to + miss a hippopotamus at ten yards, he seems to imagine, if one + may be permitted to judge from the wild frequency of his shots, + that it is the easiest thing in the world to hit a pheasant or + a partridge flying at ten times that distance. From such a + father the Manly Maiden easily secures permission, first of + all, to walk with the men while they are shooting, and + subsequently to carry a gun herself.</p> + + <p>And now the difficulties of the situation begin to make + themselves felt, not, indeed, by her, for she remains sublimely + unconscious to the end, but by the men who are compelled to + associate with her upon her ventures. No man will ever hesitate + to rebuke another for carrying his gun in such a way as to + threaten danger; but, when a lady allows him to inspect the + inside of her loaded gun-barrels, or shoots down the line at an + evasive rabbit, he must suffer in silence, and can only seek + compensation for restraining his tongue by incontinently + removing his body to a safe place, where he can neither shoot + nor be shot. At luncheon, however, he may be gratified by + hearing the Manly Maiden rally him on the poor result of his + morning's sport. She will then favour him, at length, with her + opinions as to how a driven partridge or a rocketing pheasant + should be shot, flavouring her discourse with copious extracts + from the Badminton books on shooting, and adding here and there + imaginative reminiscences of her own exploits in dealing death. + In the hunting-field she will lose her groom, and babble sport + to the Master, with whom she further ingratiates herself by + rating and lashing one of his favourite hounds, or by heading + the fox whenever he attempts to break away. She then crosses + him at an awkward fence, and considers herself aggrieved by the + strong language which breaks irresistibly from the fallen + sportsman's lips. Later on she astonishes an elderly follower + of the hounds by asking him for a draught from his flask, and + completes his amazement by complaining of the thoughtless + manner in which he has diluted his brandy.</p> + + <p>In the evening she will narrate her adventures at length, + amidst a chorus of admiring comments from her fond parents, and + their parasites, and will follow up her triumphs of the day by + pursuing the men into the smoking-room, where she permits one + of them to offer her a cigarette, and imagines that she + delights him by accepting it. On such an occasion she will + inform one of her friends that, on the whole, she has but a + poor opinion of Diana of the Ephesians, seeing that she only + hunted with women, and never allowed men to approach her. From + this it may be inferred that her stock of classical allusions + is not quite so accurate and complete as that of a genuine + sportswoman should be. Next morning she may be seen schooling + her horses in the park. She has a touching faith in the use + both of spur and of whip whenever the occasion seems least to + demand them, and she despises the man who rides without rowels, + and reverences one who attempts impossible jumps without + discrimination. During the summer she spends a considerable + part of her time in "getting fit" for the labours of the autumn + and winter. Sometimes she even plays cricket, and has been + known to address the ball that bowled her in highly + uncomplimentary terms.</p> + + <p>So the years pass on. She never learns that it is possible + for a woman on certain occasions to be in the way of men, nor + does her accuracy or her care with a gun increase. If she + marries at all, she will marry some feeble creature who has no + feeling for sport, and over whom she can lord it to her heart's + content. But it is more probable that she will remain unwedded, + and will develop eventually from a would-be harding-riding + maiden, into a genuinely hard-featured old maid.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A MUSICAL POLE STAR.</h2> + + <p>The Irish Polar Star Musical, yclept our Paddy REWSKI, gave + his last "recital" at St. James's Hall, Thursday, November 27. + Bedad, then, 'tis Misther Paddy REWSKI himself that is the + broth of a boy entirely at the piano-forte, but, Begorra, he's + better at the <i>piano</i> than the <i>forte.</i> He gave us a + nice mixture of HANDEL, BEETHOVEN, CHOPIN, LISZT, and then a + neat little compo of his own, consisting of a charming theme, + with mighty ingenious and beautiful variations, all his own, + divil a less. Great success for Paddy REWSKI. The Irish Pole, + or Pole-ished Irishman, has thoroughly mastered his art, but if + he has learnt how to master tune he has not yet perfected + himself in <i>keeping strict time</i>, as he took his seat at + the piano just one quarter of an hour late. Paddy REWSKI, me + bhoy, when next you give us a recital, remember that + punctuality is the soul of business. <i>Au revoir</i>, Paddy + REWSKI!</p> + + <p>Yours entirely, JIM KRO MESKI.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ADVICE GRATIS.—Go and see <i>London Assurance</i>, + with "CHARLES our friend" in it, at the Criterion. It has, + probably, never yet been put on the stage as it is <i>hic et + nunc</i>. Well worth seeing as a <i>curio</i>. But what tin-pot + nonsense is the Tally-ho speech of <i>Lady Grace Harkaway</i>. + And yet it has always "gone," and <i>London Assurance</i> + itself, like the sly Reynard of the speech, has invariably + shown good sport, and given a good run for the money.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MAD WAGGERY.—<i>The Chequers</i> is not the name of a + wayside inn, but of one of those modern inventions calculated + to help to fill Colney Hatch. A Puzzle it is, and it can be + done—at least so say FELTHAM & CO. Anyhow, they don't + sell the solution, they only provide the mystery.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AN OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS NUMBER (<i>which is sure not to + be forgotten</i>).—Number One.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page266" + id="page266"></a>[pg 266]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>A CAUTION TO + SNAKES.</h3><a href="images/266.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/266.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"There is, however, another opinion prevalent among the + less educated which gives to the Rattle-snake the + vindictive spirit of the North American Indian, and asserts + that it adds a new joint to its rattle whenever it has + slain a human being, thus bearing in its tail the fearful + trophies of its prowess, just as the Indians wear the + scalps of slain foes."—<i>Wood's Natural + History</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page267" + id="page267"></a>[pg 267]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"INGINS is Snakes!" And from its lair</p> + + <p>This snake seems stirring. Who cries "Scare!"?</p> + + <p class="i2">Well, they who hear the rattle</p> + + <p>Close at their heels, its spring will dread,</p> + + <p>And wary watch and cautious tread,</p> + + <p class="i2">And arm as though for battle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Even to drive the keen-fanged snake</p> + + <p>From its old home in swamp or brake</p> + + <p class="i2">Irks sensitive humanity;</p> + + <p>But they who know the untamed thing,</p> + + <p>Have felt its fang, have seen its spring,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hold mercy mere insanity.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Untamed, untameable, it hides,</p> + + <p><i>Anguis in herbâ</i>, coils and glides,</p> + + <p class="i2">And strikes when least expected,</p> + + <p>And who shall blame its watchful foe</p> + + <p>Who stands prepared to strike a blow,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the swift death's detected?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the dark jungle dim and damp</p> + + <p>It lurks, and Civilisation's tramp</p> + + <p class="i2">Disturbs its sanctuary.</p> + + <p>Hard on the snake? Perchance, perchance!</p> + + <p>But Civilisation, to advance,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must ruthless be, as wary.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Vindictive spirit" of the wild,</p> + + <p>'Twixt you and Progress' pale-faced child</p> + + <p class="i2">Fated vendetta rages,</p> + + <p>And Pity's self stands powerless</p> + + <p>To help you counter with success</p> + + <p class="i2">The onset of the ages.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long driven, lingeringly you lurk;</p> + + <p>Steel and starvation ply their work</p> + + <p class="i2">Of slow extermination.</p> + + <p>Armed once again Columbia stands,</p> + + <p>And who'd arrest avenging hands,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must challenge—Civilisation.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/267.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/267.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>MANNERS OF THE BAR.</h3>A SKETCH IN THE LAW COURTS, + SHOWING THE PATIENT AND RESPECTFUL ATTENTION OF THE COUNSEL + FOR THE PLAINTIFF DURING THE SPEECH OF COUNSEL FOR + DEFENDANT. + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The Archbishop of CANTERBURY's learned judgment in the + Lincoln Case was very much after the style in which His Grace + parts his hair. It was a first-rate example of the <i>Via + Media</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PAGE FROM A POSSIBLE DIARY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Written in the Wild West.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Well, here I am. Guess I have got + together a pretty tidy Army, that should beat BARNUM into small + potatoes. The Arabs from Earl's Court will soon go along + straight enough. They seem to miss the Louvre Theatre over + yonder, where they were on the free list. Rather a pity I can't + start a Show here, but I calculate the country is too + disturbed.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Nothing much doing. Sent along to + SMALL BITE, and he has promised to come round along with a few + of the Ghost-Dancers to let me see what I think of them. Fancy + the <i>ballet</i> has been done before. That clever cuss GUS, + must have used it at Covent Garden when he put up <i>Robert the + Devil</i>. It seems like the Nun Ballet—uncommonly.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—SMALL BITE is here. He's friendly + enough, but his terms are too high. Fancy they must have been + trying to annex him for the Aquarium. The Ghost-Dance is a + fraud. Nothing in it. Might fake it up a bit with national + flags and red fire. But it's decidedly disappointing. + Altogether small pumpkins.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Settlers want to know when I am going + to begin. They are always in such a darned hurry. They ought to + know I am the hero of a hundred fights (see my + Autobiography—a few copies of which may still be had at + the almost nominal price of half-a-dollar) and should rely on + me accordingly. Am to visit the Indian Camp to-morrow.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Terms agreed. SMALL BITE and fifty + braves engage themselves for six months certain, sharing terms, + travelling exes, and one clear benefit. I find front of the + curtain and advertising, they provide entertainment, which is + to include Ghost-Dance (with banners and red fire) religious + rites, war-dance, and scalping expedition with incidentals + (SMALL BITE says he knows "some useful knockabout niggers") and + procession in and out of towns. Think I can boom it.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—My connection with war ended. + Calculate I start to-morrow with the Show across the + herring-pond, to wake up the Crowned Heads of Europe!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO THE BIG BACILLICIDE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O DOCTOR KOCH, if you can slay</p> + + <p class="i2">Those horrid germs that kill us,</p> + + <p>You'll be <i>the</i> hero of the day,</p> + + <p class="i2">Great foe of the Bacillus!</p> + + <p>What champion may we match with you</p> + + <p class="i2">In all the world of fable?</p> + + <p>St. George, who the Great Dragon slew,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Knights of ARTHUR's Table,</p> + + <p>E'en gallant giant-slaying JACK,</p> + + <p class="i2">The British nursery's darling;</p> + + <p>Or JENNER, against whom the pack</p> + + <p class="i2">Of faddists now are snarling,</p> + + <p>Must second fiddle play to him</p> + + <p class="i2">Who stayed the plague of phthisis,</p> + + <p>And plumbed a mystery more dim</p> + + <p class="i2">And deep than that of Isis.</p> + + <p>For what are Dragons, Laidly Worms,</p> + + <p class="i2">And such-like mythic scourges,</p> + + <p>Compared with microscopic germs</p> + + <p class="i2">'Gainst which the war he urges?</p> + + <p>Hygeia, goddess, saint, or nymph,</p> + + <p class="i2">We trust there's no big blunder,</p> + + <p>And hope your votary's magic lymph</p> + + <p class="i2">May prove no nine days' wonder.</p> + + <p>We dare not trust each pseudo-seer</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'd powder, purge, or pill us;</p> + + <p>But pyramids to him we'll rear</p> + + <p class="i2">Who baffles the Bacillus.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>STRANGE TRANSFORMATION.—From the <i>Times</i> + Correspondent, U.S., we learned, last week, that somebody who + had been "a Bull," was now "a Bear." What next will he + be?—A donkey? Or did he begin with this, and will he end + by being a goose?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROSPECT FOR CHRISTMAS.—"TUCK," i.e., RAPHAEL of that + ilk. The "Correct (Christmas) Card."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page268" + id="page268"></a>[pg 268]</span> + + <h2>"A PAIR OF SPECTACLES."</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/268-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The first spectacle classic and Shakspearian: t'other + burlesquian, and PETTIT-cum-SIMS. The one at the Princess's, + the other at the Gaiety. <i>Place au</i> "Divine WILLIAMS"! + <i>Antony and Cleopatra</i> is magnificently put on the stage. + The costumes are probably O.K.—"all correct"—seeing + that Mr. LEWIS WINGFIELD pledges his honourable name for the + fact. We might have done with a few less, perhaps, but, as in + the celebrated case of the war-song of the Jingoes, if we've + got the men, and the money too, then there was every reason why + the redoubtable LEWIS (whose name, as brotherly Masons will + call to mind, means "Strength") should have put a whole army of + Romans on the stage, if it so pleased him.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:37%;"> + <a href="images/268-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-2.png" + alt="" /></a>The Last Scene of Antony and Cleopatra. + </div> + + <p>For its <i>mise-en-scène</i> alone the revival should + attract all London. But there is more than this—there is + the clever and careful impersonation of <i>Enobarbus</i> by His + Gracious Heaviness, Mr. ARTHUR STIRLING; then there is a + lighter-comedy touch in the courteous and gentlemanly rendering + of <i>Octavius Cæsar</i> by Mr. F. KEMBLE COOPER—one of + the best things in the piece, but from the inheritor of two + such good old theatrical names, much is expected. And then + there is the <i>Mark Antony</i> of Mr. CHARLES COGHLAN, a + rantin', roarin' boy, this <i>Antony</i>, whom no one, I + believe, could ever have made really effective; and finally. + Her Graceful Majesty, Mrs. LANGTRY, Queen of Egyptian Witchery. + Now honestly I do not consider <i>Cleopatra</i> a good part, + nor is the play a good play for the matter of that. I believe + it never has been a success, but if, apart from the really + great attraction of gorgeous spectacular effects, there is any + one scene above another which might well draw all London, it is + the death of <i>Cleopatra</i>, which to my mind is—after + the fall of WOLSEY, and a long way after, too,—one of the + most pathetic pictures ever presented on the stage. So lonely + in her grandeur, so grand, and yet so pitiable in her + loneliness is this poor Queen of Beauty, this + Empress-Butterfly, who can conquer conquerors, and for whose + sake not only her noble lovers, but her poor humble + serving-maids, are willing to die.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/268-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-3.png" + alt="" /></a>The Run of Cleopatra. + </div> + + <p>Her last scene is beyond all compare her best, and to those + who are inclined to be disappointed with the play after the + first Act is over I say, "Wait for the end," and don't leave + until the Curtain has descended on that gracious figure of the + Queen of Egypt, attired in her regal robes, crowned with her + diadem, holding her sceptre, but dead in her chair of state. + <i>Ça donne à penser</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The Gaiety</i>.—In calling their burlesque + <i>Carmen up to Data</i>, possibly the two dear clever boys who + wrote it intended some crypto-jocosity of which the hidden + meaning is known only to the initiated in these sublime + mysteries. Why "<i>Data</i>"? On the other hand, "Why not?"</p> + + <p>However attractive or not as a heading in a bill of the + play, the Gaiety <i>Carmen</i> is, on the whole, a merry, + bright, and light burlesque-ish piece, though, except in the + costume and make-up of Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMS as <i>Captain + Zuniga</i>, there is nothing extraordinarily "burlesque" in the + appearance of any of the characters, as the appearance of Mr. + HORACE MILLS as <i>Remendado</i> belongs more to Christmas + pantomime than to the sly suggestiveness of real burlesque.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/268-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-4.png" + alt="" /></a>Scene from the Cigarette History of + <i>Carmen</i>. + </div> + + <p>As Miss ST. JOHN simply looks, acts, and sings as a genuine + <i>Carmen</i>, I can only suppose that her voice is not strong + enough for the real Opera; otherwise I doubt whether any better + operatic impersonator of the real character could be found. She + is not the least bit burlesque, and though the songs she has to + sing are nothing like so telling as those she has had given her + in former pieces, yet, through her rendering, most are encored, + and all thoroughly appreciated.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/268-5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268-5.png" + alt="" /></a>In for a good Run on the "Bogie" System. + </div> + + <p>Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMS as <i>Zuniga</i> is very droll, + reminding some of us, by his make-up and jerky style, of MILHER + as the comic <i>Valentine</i> in <i>Le Petit Faust</i>. Mr. + LONNEN is also uncommonly good as the spoony soldier, and in + the telling song of "<i>The Bogie Man</i>;" and in the still + more telling dance with which he finishes it and makes his + exit, he makes <i>the</i> hit of the evening,—in fact the + hit by which the piece will he remembered, and to which it owes + the greater part of its success.</p> + + <p>In the authors' latest adaptation of the very ancient + "business" of "the statues"—consisting of a verse, and + then an attitude, I was disappointed, as I had been led to + believe that here we should see what Mr. LONNEN could do in the + Robsonian or burlesque-tragedy style. The brilliancy of the + costumes, of the scenery, the grace of the four dancers, and + the excellence of band and chorus, under the direction of that + ancient mariner MEYER LUTZ, are such as are rarely met with + elsewhere.</p> + + <p>Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES may now attend to the building of his + new theatre, as <i>Carmen up to Data</i> will not give him any + trouble for some time to come.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page269" + id="page269"></a>[pg 269]</span> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>Only a Penny! And well worth every halfpenny of it. I am + alluding to the Christmas Number of the <i>Penny Illustrated + Paper</i>, in which appears <i>A Daughter of the People</i>, by + JOHN LATEY, Junior, who is Junior than ever in December. + Capital Christmas Number, and will attract an extraordinary + number of Christmas readers.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/269.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/269.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>The Rosebud Annual</i>, published by JAMES CLARK & + CO., is quite a bright posy for our very little ones.</p> + + <p>Turning from novels, it is a relief to come across so + inviting a little volume as the <i>Pocket Atlas, and Gazetteer + of Canada</i>, which will be found of the greatest possible + value to eccentric Londoners who purpose visiting the Dominion + during the coming Winter.</p> + + <p>"<i>Persicos odi</i>," but you won't agree with HORACE if + you follow this "<i>puer apparatus</i>" of G. NORWAY, who, in + <i>Hussein's Hostage</i>, gives us the exciting adventures of a + Persian boy.</p> + + <p><i>'Twixt School and College</i>, by GORDON STABLES, has + nothing to do with horsey experiences, as suggested by the + author's name, but is the uneventful home-life of a poor Scotch + laddie, who triumphs by dint of pluck.</p> + + <p><i>Nutbrown Roger and I</i>, by J.H. YOXALL, a romance of + the highway, quite in the correct style of disguises and + blunderbusses always so necessary for a tale of this kind.</p> + + <p><i>Disenchantment</i> is the—not + altogether—enticing title of "an everyday story," by F. + MABEL ROBINSON, author of <i>The Plan of Campaign</i>. It is + rather a long tale to tell, for it takes 432 pages in the + unravelling. It ends with a beautiful avowal that "the heart is + no more unchanging than the mind, and that love's not immortal, + but an illusion." As the utterer of this truism is a young + married woman, it would seem that the foundation is laid for a + sequel to <i>Disenchantment</i> that might be appropriately + called <i>Divorce</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The Secret of the Old House</i>, by EVELYN EVERETT GREEN, + who evidently can't keep a secret to himself, will be so no + longer when the children have satisfied their curiosity by + reading the book.</p> + + <p>My faithful "Co." declares that he has been recently hard at + work novel-reading. He has been revelling in an atmosphere of + romance. He has been moved almost to tears by <i>Lady + Hazleton's Confession</i>, by Mrs. KENT SPENDER, which, he + says, includes, amongst many moving passages, some glimpses of + Parliamentary life. <i>Friend Olivia</i>, in one bulky volume, + takes the reader back to the days of CROMWELL, when people said + "hath," instead of "has," and "pray resolve me truly," instead + of "don't sell me;" and "Mr. JOHN MILTON" played upon the + organ. It has a fine old crusty Puritan flavour about it, + which, however, does not prevent the hero and heroine, in the + last page, reading a letter together, "with smiles, and little + laughs, and sweet asides, and sweeter kisses." Altogether, a + book to read when a library does <i>not</i> contain WALTER + SCOTT, ALEXANDRE DUMAS <i>père</i>, G.P.R. JAMES, or HARRISON + AINSWORTH. <i>Two Masters</i> deals with passages in the life + of a young lady who is described as "a Boarding-school Miss" in + Volume I., and "a young she-fiend" in Volume III. However, it + is only right to say, that the last compliment is paid to her + by a gentlemanly murderer, who takes poison and a cigarette, + with a view to escaping a justly-deserved death on the gallows. + From this it may be seen, that the novel is at times slightly + sensational. Fearing that his Christmas might be saddened by + this last ghastly incident, were not the impression created by + it partially removed by less highly-seasoned fare, my faithful + "Co." has also read <i>Mary Hamilton, a Tale for Girls, My + Schoolfellows</i>, and <i>Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble</i>. He + considers the first admirably adapted to the comprehension of + the readers to whom it is addressed, only the girls, he says, + should be <i>very</i> young girls. <i>My Schoolfellows</i> he + intends reading again when he has reached his second childhood, + when he fancies he will be better pleased with the humours of + "<i>Guzzling Gus</i>" and "<i>Ned Never Mind</i>." In + conclusion, he admits that he is a little doubtful about the + merits or demerits of <i>Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble</i>. He + explains, that while he was reading it he "fell a thinking," + and that when he woke up, the volume was lying on the floor. + Since then, he adds, he really has not had the leisure to pick + it up.</p> + + <p><i>The Snake's Pass</i>, by BRAM STOKER, M.A. (SAMPSON LOW), + is a simple love-story, a pure idyl of Ireland, which does not + seem, after all, to be so distressful a country to live in. + Whiskey punch flows like milk through the land; the loveliest + girls abound, and seem instinctively to be drawn towards the + right man. Also there are jooled crowns to be found by earnest + seekers, with at least one large packing-case crammed with rare + coins. The love-scenes are frequent and tempting. BRAM has an + eye to scenery, and can describe it. He knows the Irish + peasant, and reproduces his talk with a fidelity which almost + suggests that he, too, is descended from one of the early + kings, whereas, as everyone knows, he lives in London and adds + grace and dignity to "the front" of the Lyceum on First Nights + and others. He is perfectly overwhelming in his erudition in + respect of the science of drainage, which, if all stories be + true, he might find opportunity of turning to account in the + every-day (or, rather, every-night) world of the theatre. In + his novel he utilises it in the preliminaries of shifting a + mighty bog, the last stages whereof are described in a chapter + that, for sustained interest, recalls CHARLES READE's account + of the breaking of the Sheffield Reservoir. The novel-reader + will do well not to pass by <i>The Snake's Pass</i>. THE BARON + DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>RED VERSUS BLACK.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Two Views of the same place, by Gentlemen "who Write to + the Papers."</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Opinion No. 1.</i>—Monte Carlo! One of the most + disgraceful places in Europe—a blot upon our + civilisation. The gambling is productive of the greatest + possible misery. It is an institution that should be held up to + the execration of mankind. All the riffraff of the globe are + attracted to this hideous spot. The place is like an upas-tree, + under which everything noble and good languishes and dies! The + form of Government is absolutely immoral. It is a scandal that + rates, and taxes, and public improvements should be paid for + out of the private purse of the Director. He could not afford + it had he not made a fortune out of his ill-gotten gains! + Anyone who has watched at the tables knows that the chances are + absolutely unfair—that the Direction must win. Not that + this matters much. It is the general immorality of the place + that is so alarming. The place should be closed at once; and + persons who have lost anything, say, during the last year, + should have their money promptly returned to them. And I say + this without any bias, although I <i>did</i> back Red, and + Black came up ten times running!</p> + + <p>P.S.—Just won a trifle. Not so sure that my pessimist + view may not be modified.</p> + + <p><i>Opinion No. 2.</i>—Monte Carlo! Without exception, + the loveliest spot in Europe. The so-called gambling is the + cause of numberless blessings. It is an institution that should + be held up to the admiration of mankind. All the aristocracy of + the civilised world flock to it to indulge in a recreation to + which only the greatly prejudiced can possibly take exception. + The Government is benevolent to the last degree. In what other + country are rates, taxes, and improvements paid for you? If the + Director were not the best of men, how could this be done? The + play itself is absolutely fair. And, with a system, and a + sufficiency of capital, anyone is able to realise a large + fortune in less than no time. Not that this absolute certainty + should be taken into consideration. It is the general morality + of the place that is so encouraging. The place should never + close. And it would be a graceful thing if those who have laid + in a store for their old age were to return a trifle, to be + expended on some charity. And I say this without any bias, + although I have backed Black ten times successfully.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Just lost all I had. Not so sure that my optimist + view is not open to rectification!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>BULL AND BULLION.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>On Gold, after Goldsmith.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When British Commerce stoops to folly,</p> + + <p class="i2">And finds too late that Bonds betray,</p> + + <p>What charm can soothe her melancholy,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the big rush for bullion stay?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To save herself from shameful ruin</p> + + <p class="i2">(Ask Monsieur LAUR!) her only chance</p> + + <p>Lies—full revenge for Waterloo!—in</p> + + <p class="i2">Big borrowings from generous France.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch Among the Planets</i> is the title of <i>Mr. + Punch's</i> Christmas Number, <i>vice</i> Almanack superseded. + Ask for this, and "see that you get it"!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VOX STELLARUM.—The New Comet, November 19, Boston, + U.S., suddenly appeared, and was heard to exclaim, "But, soft! + I am observed!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page270" + id="page270"></a>[pg 270]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/270.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/270.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>SCENES OF CLERICAL LIFE.—A DIOCESAN + CONFERENCE.</h3>"LOOK 'ERE, BILL! BLEST IF THESE BEAN'T A + LOT O' PARSONS ON STRIKE!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"SEPARATISTS."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragments of a Modern "Marmion."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">"But DOUGLAS round him drew his + cloak,</p> + + <p class="i2">Folded his arms, and thus he + spoke:—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">* * * * *</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">'The hand of DOUGLAS is his own,</p> + + <p class="i2">And never shall in friendly grasp</p> + + <p class="i2">The hand of such as MARMION clasp.'"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">* * * * *</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The hand of such as MARMION!" Ay!</p> + + <p>Great Singer of the knightly lay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy tale of Flodden field</p> + + <p>Is darkened by unknightly stain.</p> + + <p>That slackened arm and burdened brain</p> + + <p>Of him found low among the slain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Constrained at last to yield</p> + + <p>To a mere "base marauder's lance;"</p> + + <p>He, firm of front and cold of glance,</p> + + <p>The dark, the dauntless MARMION.—</p> + + <p>The days of chivalry are gone,</p> + + <p>Dispraisers of the present say,</p> + + <p>Yet men arm still for party fray</p> + + <p class="i2">As fierce as foray old;</p> + + <p>And mail is donned, and steel is drawn,</p> + + <p>And champions challenging at dawn</p> + + <p class="i2">Ere night lie still and cold.</p> + + <p>Two champions here 'midst loud applause,</p> + + <p>Have led the lists in a joint cause</p> + + <p class="i2">On many a tourney morn,</p> + + <p>Have fought to vanward in the field</p> + + <p>Full many an hour, and, sternly steeled,</p> + + <p class="i2">One banner forward borne.</p> + + <p>And now—ah, well, as DOUGLAS old</p> + + <p>On MARMION looked sternly cold,</p> + + <p class="i2">So looks this Chieftain grey</p> + + <p>On his old comrade, though the fight</p> + + <p>Is forward now, and many a knight</p> + + <p class="i2">Is arming for the fray.</p> + + <p>As "the demeanour changed and cold</p> + + <p>Of DOUGLAS fretted MARMION bold,"</p> + + <p>Has this old greyhaired Chieftain's chill</p> + + <p>Fretted that man of icy will?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who knows—or cares to know?</p> + + <p>At least he "has to learn ere long</p> + + <p>That constant mind, and hate of wrong"</p> + + <p>Than steely pride are yet more strong;</p> + + <p class="i2">That shame can strike a blow</p> + + <p>At comradeship more fatal far</p> + + <p>Than any chance of fateful war</p> + + <p>When faction howled with Cerberus throat,</p> + + <p>When falsehood struck a felon stroke,</p> + + <p class="i2">When forgery did its worst</p> + + <p>To pull its hated quarry down,</p> + + <p>To dim, disarm, degrade, discrown.</p> + + <p class="i2">Against the array accurst</p> + + <p>That ancient chief made gallant head,</p> + + <p>Dismayed not, nor disquieted</p> + + <p class="i2">At rancour's rude assault.</p> + + <p>He shared opprobrium undeserved,</p> + + <p>But not for that had courage swerved,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or loyalty made default.</p> + + <p>But now? The hand that reared hath razed;</p> + + <p>And as old ANGUS stood amazed</p> + + <p class="i2">At WILTON's shameful tale,</p> + + <p>So fealty here must bend the brow,</p> + + <p>And faith, though sorely tried, till now</p> + + <p class="i2">Surviving, faint and fail;</p> + + <p>As DOUGLAS round him drew his cloak,</p> + + <p>So, saddened by unknightly stroke,</p> + + <p class="i2">The ancient chief must draw;</p> + + <p>Nor in mere pharisaic scorn,</p> + + <p>But in the name of faith foresworn</p> + + <p class="i2">And honour's broken law.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Tis pity of him, too!" 'Twas so,</p> + + <p>The half-relenting ANGUS, low</p> + + <p class="i2">Spake in his snowy beard.</p> + + <p>"Bold can he speak, and fairly ride:</p> + + <p>I warrant him a warrior tried."</p> + + <p class="i2">A foeman to be feared,</p> + + <p>A leader to be trusted, seemed</p> + + <p>This dark, cold chief, and few had dreamed</p> + + <p class="i2">Of such strange severance.</p> + + <p>And any not ignoble eye</p> + + <p>In sorrow more than mockery</p> + + <p class="i2">Aside will gladly glance.</p> + + <p>'Tis pity of it! Right or wrong,</p> + + <p>The Cause needs champions true as strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">And blameless as they're bold.</p> + + <p>"A sinful heart makes feeble hand,"</p> + + <p>Cried MARMION, his "failing brand"</p> + + <p class="i2">Cursing with lips grown cold.</p> + + <p>Let vulgar venom triumph here,</p> + + <p>And hate, itself from shame not clear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Make haste to hurl the stone;</p> + + <p>A nobler foe will stand aside,</p> + + <p>And more in sorrow than in pride,</p> + + <p>Not hot to harry or deride,</p> + + <p>Like DOUGLAS in his halls abide,</p> + + <p class="i2">But keep his hand—his own!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>FROM A THEATRICAL CORRESPONDENT.—Sir,—I know a + lot about London and N.B., but never till now did I know of the + existence of 'ARRY in Scotland. The character is now + represented, as I am informed, on the stage, by Mr. BEERBOHM + TREE, who, in a play called <i>Back</i>, impersonates the MAC + ARRY. Odd, this! for the McCOCKNIE. P.S.—One lives and + learns. [*** If McCOCKNIE is to learn much, he will have to + become a McMETHUSELAH. The piece to which he alludes is + <i>Called Back</i>, by HUGH CONWAY and COMYNS CARR, and the + part in it, excellently played by Mr. TREE, is <i>Macari</i>, + an Italian.]</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page271" + id="page271"></a>[pg 271]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/271.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/271.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"SEPARATISTS."</h3> + + <p>Douglas ... Mr. Gl-dst-ne. Marmion ... Mr. P-rn-ll.</p> + + <p>Douglas. "THE HAND OF DOUGLAS IS HIS OWN; AND NEVER + SHALL IN FRIENDLY GRASP THE HAND OF SUCH AS MARMION + CLASP!"—<i>Marmion</i>, Canto VI.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page273" + id="page273"></a>[pg 273]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/273.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/273.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY VERY MUCH AT SEA.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>An incident of Mr. Ashmead-Bartlett's recent Tour + in Ireland.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Mr. A.B.</i> "WHY PAT, MY LAD, I SEE NOTHING TO + COMPLAIN OF HERE. THESE POTATOES ARE REMARKABLY FINE!"</p> + + <p><i>Pat</i>. "BEDAD, SOR, BUT THEY'RE NOT PRATIES AT ALL, + AT ALL. SHURE, IT'S THE TURNIPS YOUR HONOUR'S LOOKING + AT!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h2> + + <p>"The Royal Society of Painters in Water-Colours?" said young + PAR. "Nonsense! why all the water is frozen now, and so they + can't paint!" "Precisely," replied I; "and that's why it is a + nice exhibition!" This so startled Young PAR that he slipped + and fell. I turned into the Gallery in Pall Mall, and left him + sitting on the cold hard flags outside. Inside pleasant enough. + BIRKET FOSTER's "<i>Island of Rum</i>" very + comforting—should like some hot. HERBERT + MARSHALL—our own City MARSHALL—has gone further + afield, to "<i>Old Chelsea</i>." Should now be called the Field + MAR SHALL. MATTHEW HALE, in "<i>Gathering Blackberries</i>," is + a hail fellow well met! "<i>The Corso, Verona</i>," by S.J. + HODSON, shows that HODSON's choice is a good one. HENRY MOORE's + sea-pieces—the more the merrier, say I. + "<i>Warkworth—Sunlit Shower</i>," by A.W. HUNT: a walk + worth taking when the hunt is up. "<i>Holidays Past and + Future</i>," suggests wide subjects and open spaces. Why, then, + is it painted by SMALLFIELD? "<i>Wreck of the Halswell</i>," is + a terrible catastrophe. Can't be "All's Well." Possibly the + painter, G.H. ANDREWS, means "all swell"—that seems a + great deal more likely. ALBERT GOODWIN shows himself to be a + good winner in the "<i>Ponte Vecchio, Florence</i>." DU MAURIER + delights us with some clever Society sketches in pen and + pencil. The veteran, Sir JOHN GILBERT, is as young, as dashing, + as vigorous as ever. H.G. GLINDONI has two pictures full of + humour and character. STACY MARKS' "<i>Cockatoo</i>" looks as + if it had just flown in from the Zoo. "<i>Au Sgarnach</i>," by + C.B. PHILLIP. Title difficult to understand. Landscape easy to + comprehend. A close study of Nature, admirably painted. A + wholesome Phillippic against namby-pamby prettiness. "<i>On the + Thames</i>," by G.A. FRIPP, honestly painted, and no frippery + about it. Miss CLARA MONTALBA has a large number of pictures of + Venice—and Mr. RIDGE comes up and says he is the Keeper. + What Keeper? He whispers, he is the Keeper of the Cold + Out—What an oridginal remark!—and will I step into + the Committee Room? I do, and remain there, and continue to + be</p> + + <p>Yours par-adoxically, OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT AT THE HOPERA.</h2> + + <p>I was habel the other day to do BROWN a good turn by getting + him engaged at won of our big Otels, so he kindly offerd to + stand a supper, and then take me to the Hopera at Common + Garden. We went to see <i>Horfay</i>.</p> + + <p>It seems that wunce upon a time, ever so many thowsand years + ago, before there was not no Lord Mares, nor no Shirryffs, nor + not ewen no Aldermen, a Gent of the name of <i>Horfay</i> lived + in Grease. He was the werry grandest Fiddler of his time, a + regler JOEY KIM. Well, he married a werry bewtiful wife, of the + name of <i>Yourridisee</i>, and they was both werry appy, till + one day, as she was a having a run in a field, a norrid serpent + bit her in her heel; so she died. Well, while poor <i>Mr. + Horfay</i> is a telling us all about his trubbel, in comes a + werry bewtiful young lady with a pair of most bewtiful wings + on, and she werry kindly gives him a new sort of magic Fiddle, + called, as I was told, A Liar! to go to—go down to <i>you + kno where</i>, to git his wife back! Off he goes, and the neks + sean shows us the werry plaice, all filled with savidges, and + demons, and snakes, and things; and presently, when <i>Mr. + Horfay</i> is seen a cumming down, all the demons and savidges + runs at him to stop him; but he holds up the Liar, and begins + for to sing, and most bewtifully too, tho' I didn't kno the + tune; they all makes way for him, and he gos bang into lots of + big flames, and so I werry naterally thort as how it was all + over. But not a bit of it, for in the werry next sean we sees + him with his Liar in a most lovly garden, all full of most + lovly flowers and trees, and numbers of bewtiful ladies, a + dancing and enjoying theirselves like fun, until his Liar leads + him rite up to his wife, and then he raps harf his scarf round + her, and off they gos together, both on 'em dowtless a longing + for a reel nupshal kiss, but poor <i>Mr. Horfay</i> not a + daring for to look at her, becoz if he does before he gets her + home, she will be ded again direckly! Was there hever such a + tanterlising case ever known! When she sings to him to give her + one loving look, he sings to her to say he mustn't, until at + larst she sets down on a nice cumferel-looking sofy, as appens + for to be in the werry middel of the street, and says, werry + artfully, as she carn't go not one step farther, when in course + he turns round, and rushes up to her to have one fond embrace, + and, thank goodness, they has it, and then she falls back + dead!</p> + + <p>Well, now, I knos as I'm ony a mere Hed Waiter, and, + therefore, not xpected to have any werry fine feelings, like my + betters has, but</p> + + <p>I do declare that, when I saw this sad, sad end to all that + grand amount of reel true Love, the tears run down my cheeks + like rain, and I was a getting up to go away, when presently in + came the lovly angel again, whose name I was told was Love, and + told him that such love as his could conker Death itself; and + she brort the pore wife to life again, and all hended, as all + things shood end, jovial, and cumferal, and happy. What a + wunderful thing is Music! It didn't seem at all strange to me + that not one single word was spoke all the heavening, but ewery + word sung, and in a forren tung, too, that I didn't + hunderstand, the bewtiful story kep my atention fixt the hole + time, and I warked home in the poring rain, werry thankful, and + jest a leetle prowd, that in one thing, at least, I was not + xacly like BROWN, who slept carm and content thro the hole of + the larst hact.</p> + + <p>ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Fate of Salvation Army Generals.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Each General is, by a deed of appointment, executed and + placed in safe custody with certain formalities, + &c."—<i>Gen. Booth's Letter to the Times, + Nov.</i> 27.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This is dreadful! Why should the Generals be executed? What + have they done to deserve this cruel fate? And what is the use + of placing them in safe custody <i>after</i> they have been + executed? And what are the "certain formalities"? We pause for + a reply to all these questions.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SEASONABLE.—CHRISTMAS IS COMING.—In the + <i>Morning Post</i>, one day last week, appeared an + announcement to the effect that Madame NOËL had left one + residence in the West End for another in the same quarter. Odd + this, just now. But go where she will, <i>Le bon père</i> NOËL + will be in London and the country on the 25th instant; so the + best way is to prepare to receive Father Christmas.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SO-HO, THERE!—Some persons think that the proper place + for "The Pelican" ought still to be—the wilderness.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOVELTY.—Quartette for three players—"Whist! the + Dumby Man!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EDUCATIONAL WORK (BY C.S. P-RN-LL).—<i>The Crammer's + Guide to Politics</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page274" + id="page274"></a>[pg 274]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/274.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/274.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>IRISH ACTORS IN AMERICA.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page275" + id="page275"></a>[pg 275]</span> + + <h2>A DRESS DRAMA.</h2> + + <h3>(BY A PERPLEXED PLAYWRIGHT.)</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've got myself into a horrible mess,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of that there can be no manner of + doubt,</p> + + <p>And my forehead is aching, because I've been + making</p> + + <p class="i2">A desperate effort to get myself out,</p> + + <p>And I'm given away, so it seemeth to me,</p> + + <p>Like a threepenny vase with a pound of tea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I promised an actress to write her a play,</p> + + <p class="i2">With herself, of course, in the leading + part,</p> + + <p>With abundance of bathos paraded as pathos,</p> + + <p class="i2">And a gallery death of a broken + heart—</p> + + <p>It's a capital plan, I find, to try</p> + + <p>To arrange a part where the audience cry.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So I quickly think of a beautiful plot,</p> + + <p class="i2">The interest ne'er for an instant + flags;</p> + + <p>The sorrowful ending is almost heart-rending,</p> + + <p class="i2">As the heroine comes on in tatters and + rags.</p> + + <p>It is better than aught I have thought of + before,</p> + + <p>And will certainly run for a twelvemonth or + more.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet, alas! for my prospect of glory and gain,</p> + + <p class="i2">She has strangled my play at its moment + of birth,</p> + + <p>For now she has written to say she is smitten</p> + + <p class="i2">With the newest designs and creations of + WORTH,</p> + + <p>And to quote her own words—"As a matter of + fact,</p> + + <p>I've a couple of costumes for every act."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then there follows a list of the things she has + bought,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though I'm puzzled indeed as to what it + may mean.</p> + + <p>She is painfully pat in her jargon of satin,</p> + + <p class="i2">Alpaca, nun's veiling, tulle, silk, + grenadine,</p> + + <p>And she asks me to say if I honestly think</p> + + <p>She should die in pearl-grey, golden-brown, or + shrimp-pink?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So here I am left in this pitiful plight.</p> + + <p class="i2">With nothing but dresses, what <i>am</i> + I to do?</p> + + <p>For I haven't a notion what kind of emotion</p> + + <p class="i2">Is suited to coral or proper for + blue;</p> + + <p>And if, when she faints, but they think she is + dead,</p> + + <p>Old-gold or sea-green would be better than red.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Will crushed strawberry do for an afternoon + call?</p> + + <p class="i2">For the evening would salmon or olive be + right?</p> + + <p>May a charming young fellow embrace her in + yellow?</p> + + <p class="i2">Must she sorrow in black? Must I wed her + in white?</p> + + <p>Till, dazed and bewildered, my eyesight grows + dim,</p> + + <p>And my head, throbbing wildly, commences to + swim.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twere folly and madness to try any more,</p> + + <p class="i2">I know what I'll do—in a letter + to-day</p> + + <p>I will just tell her plainly how utterly vainly</p> + + <p class="i2">I've striven and struggled to finish her + play;</p> + + <p>And then—happy thought!—I will mildly + suggest</p> + + <p>That she'll find for her purpose BUCHANAN the + best.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I shall now write a play without dresses at all,</p> + + <p class="i2">A plan, which I'm sure will be perfectly + new.</p> + + <p>Yet opposed to convention, why merely the + mention</p> + + <p class="i2">Of a thing so immodest will startle a + few;</p> + + <p>And, although it's a pity, I shrewdly suspect</p> + + <p>The Lord Chamberlain might deem it right to + object.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Better still! from the French I will boldly + convey</p> + + <p class="i2">What will be (in two senses) the talk of + the town.</p> + + <p>You insist on a moral? Well, pray do not quarrel</p> + + <p class="i2">With the one that I now for your guidance + lay down,</p> + + <p>That of excellent maxims this isn't the + worst—</p> + + <p><i>Let the play, not the dresses, be settled the + first!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SOMETHING IN A NAME.—What a happily appropriate name + for the Chief Magistrate of so fashionable a watering-place as + Brighton is Mr. SOPER! Whether he is soft SOPER, or Hard SOPER, + or Scented SOPER, it matters not; it is only a pity that after + his year of office, if the Brightonian Bathers can spare him, + he should not be transferred to Windsor. Old Windsor + SOPER—what a splendid title for the Mayor of the Royal + town! No doubt he will show himself active and energetic during + his Mayoralty, and that at Brighton henceforth a totally + opposite meaning from the ordinary one will be given to the + description of a speech as "a SOPER-ific." At east, it is 'oped + so, for the sake of SOPER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/275.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/275.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>EXPERIENTIA DOCET.</h3> + + <p>"AND ARE <i>YOU</i> GOING TO GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR MY + BIRTHDAY, AUNTY MAUD?"</p> + + <p>"OF COURSE, DARLING."</p> + + <p>"THEN <i>DON'T</i> LET IT BE <i>SOMETHING + USEFUL!</i>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday Night, November</i> + 25.—New Session opened to-day. Remarkable gathering of + Members in the Lords to hear Queen's Speech read. Unusual + excitement, though heroically restrained in presence of LORD + CHANCELLOR, supported on Woolsack by four figures in red cloaks + and cocked hats, borrowed for occasion from Madame Tussaud's. + HALSBURY lost his temper once when Commission being read. + Tussaud's man, sent down to work the figures—make them + take off their cocked hats and nod upon cue being given by + Reading Clerk—was on duty for first time; much interested + in arrival of Commons at the Bar; instead of lying low behind + Woolsack and minding his business, kept poking his head round + to peer forth on scene. At last, LORD CHANCELLOR in hoarse + whisper threatened to send him to Clock Tower if he didn't + behave properly.</p> + + <p>After this all went well; figures bringing their right elbow + up with a jerk, took off their hats at precisely right moment, + and replaced them without a hitch. They were labelled "Lord + LATHOM," "Earl of COVENTRY," "Lord BROWNLOW," and "Lord + KNUTSFORD." LORD CHANCELLOR sat in the middle. The ladies on + floor of House watched them with much interest.</p> + + <p>"Such <i>dear</i> old things," said one, when the figure + labelled "Earl of COVENTRY" cleverly pretended to sneeze. "I + wish they'd do it all over again; but I suppose the springs + have run down."</p> + + <p>In the Commons, everyone on the look out for PARNELL. What + would he do? Where would he sit? What would he say? Or, would + he come at all? Nobody knew. Some suspected last guess most + probable. Towards Three o'Clock whisper went round that he was + here. SARK had seen him crossing Lobby, with green spectacles + and umbrella, and his hair died crimson. Was now in room with + Irish Party, arranging about Leadership. Understood before + House met that he was to retire from Leadership till fumes from + Divorce Court had passed away. Then alliance between Home + Rulers and Liberals would go on as before, and all would be + well. Ministerialists downcast at this prospect; Liberals + chirpy; a great difficulty avoided. Soon be in smooth water + again.</p> + + <p>Waiting in House for business to commence. SPEAKER away for + cause that saddens everyone; COURTNEY to take the Chair at Four + o'Clock; meeting of Irish Members still going forward. When + business concluded, PARNELL would quietly walk out; they would + take their places, and things would go on as if no one had + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page276" + id="page276"></a>[pg 276]</span> ever heard of Eltham, of + alarums and excursions, of exits by fire-escapes, and + entrances by back doors.</p> + + <p>Thinking of these things, I was standing by + Sergeant-at-Arms' chair; heard a scuffling noise behind; looked + round, and lo! there was PARNELL entering House by + Distinguished Strangers' Gallery, descending by swarming down + the end pillar, which supports Gallery from floor of House.</p> + + <p>"Good gracious!" I cried. "What are you doing?"</p> + + <p>"I'm catching the last post," said PARNELL, smiling blandly, + as, reaching the floor, he unclasped arms and legs from the + pillar and quietly walked over to his ordinary place as if this + were the usual way of an Hon. Member approaching his seat.</p> + + <p>Direful news rapidly spread. PARNELL not going to retire + from Leadership! On contrary, meant to stay, ignoring little + events brought to light in the Divorce Court. Ministerialists + jubilant; Liberals depressed; the whole situation changed; + prospects of Liberal supremacy, so certain yesterday, suddenly + blighted; talk of Mr. G. retiring from the fray; spoke on + Address just now, but no fight left in him; the Opposition + wrung out like a damp cloth; even GEORGE CAMPBELL dumb, and Dr. + CLARK indefinitely postponed Amendment long threatened. By ten + o'clock the whole thing had flickered out. Address, which of + late has taken three weeks to pass, agreed to in three + hours.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/276-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/276-1.png" + alt="" /></a>Up a Tree. + </div> + + <p>Mr. G. went off as soon as OLD MORALITY had finished his + modest speech. Walked with him across the Park to Carlton + Terrace. Haven't seen him to speak to since Midlothian. What a + change! Then elate, confident, energetic, tingling with life to + his finger-ends; to-night shrunken, limp, despondent, almost + heart-broken.</p> + + <p>"Don't you think, Sir," I said, "that, after to-day's + experience, Home Rule has a new terror? You remember how, seven + or eight years ago, the Irish Members used to stand up in the + House and personally vilify you. Then, when you came round to + their side, the very same men beslabbered you with fulsome + adulation. Now, when there is another parting of the ways, when + you pit yourself, your authority, and your character, against + their chosen Leader, they rudely turn their backs on you, and + tell you to mind your own business. How'll it be, do you think, + when you've finally served their purpose, and made possible the + accomplishment of their aim? When you have made them Masters in + Dublin, will they care any more for the views and prejudices of + you and your Liberal Party than they have done to-day?"</p> + + <p>"TOBY, dear boy," said Mr. G., "you're a young dog yet. When + you come to my age, you'll have learned that there is no + gratitude in politics. But we won't talk of it any more. I'm a + little tired to-night."</p> + + <p>So we walked in silence up the steps, by the Duke of YORK's + Column.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Address agreed to. Mr. P. flouts + Mr. G.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—House up at twenty minutes to Six, + having got through rattling lot of business. Prince ARTHUR been + sailing up and down floor, bringing in Land Bills and Railway + Bills. HICKS-BEACH depressed with legacy of Tithes Bill.</p> + + <p>"Cheer up, BEACH," says CRANBORNE, tugging at his moustache + à la GRANDOLPH; "you may depend upon me. Keep your eye on your + young friend, and he will pull you through."</p> + + <p>"Thank you," said BEACH, with something more than his + customary effusive manner.</p> + + <p>JACKSON toying round the table, packing and unpacking + papers, looking at his watch and the clock, vaguely whistling, + and absently rubbing his hands.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter?" I asked. "You seem out of sorts."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/276-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/276-2.png" + alt="" /></a>Mr. P-rn-ll turns his Back on Public + Opinion. + </div> + + <p>"Matter!" he cried. "Why, twenty minutes to Six is the + matter, and here's all the work done and the House up. It's + absolutely demoralising; portends something uncanny. On Tuesday + we got through the Address in a single short sitting; + yesterday, after meeting at noon, had to adjourn for three + hours and a half; filled up remainder of time with bringing in + Bills; To-day we have an Irish Land Bill brought in and read a + First Time, after a Debate confined to SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S + GATE, and WILFRID LAWSON. Nothing like it seen for sixteen + years. If this kind of thing goes on, you know, we'll get all + the work of the Session done in three months, and perhaps done + better than when it took nine. It's the suddenness that knocks + me over, TOBY. They ought to be more considerate, and begin + more gently."</p> + + <p>Great commotion in Irish circles. Scene slightly shifted. It + seems that Irish Members in re-electing PARNELL on Tuesday, + thought he would relieve them of difficulty by forthwith + resigning. Mr. P. doesn't take that view; thinks it would be + rude, after having been unanimously elected, to appear to + undervalue such remarkable, spontaneous act of confidence; + doesn't care a rap for public opinion.</p> + + <p>"<i>J'y suis, et j'y reste</i>," he says, smiling sweetly + round the table, where his friends forlornly sit.</p> + + <p>"Begorra!" says Mr. O'KEEF, indignantly, "it's bad enough to + have him ruining us and the counthry, without using + blasphaymious language."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Everything on the paper.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/276-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/276-3.png" + alt="" /></a>"Bless-you-my-child!" + </div> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>.—Louis JENNINGS made capital + speech to-night on Motion challenging commutation of certain + perpetual pensions. Seems, among other little jobs, we, the + tax-payers of Great Britain, with Income-tax at sixpence in the + pound, have been paying pension of £2,000 a year to descendant + of the late ELLEN GWYNNE. Select Committee appointed by present + Government to consider whole matter, recommended that no + pension should be commuted at rate so high as twenty-seven + years' purchase. JOKIM, generous with other people's money, + flies in face of recommendation, and comfortably rounds off one + or two of these little jobs with gratuity of twenty-seven + years' purchase. Cheerful to hear this sort of thing denounced + in breezy fashion from Conservative Benches. JENNINGS, amid + loud cheers, hits straight out from the shoulder. WALTER FOSTER + quite delighted. "Bless you, my child," he says, "you ought to + belong to the Radical Party." <i>Business + done</i>.—Agreed that, up to Christmas, Government shall + have all the time.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CHRISTMAS CARDS.—"Here we are again!" as they come + tumbling in, fresh from the hands of the publishers, + HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER. More artistic than ever!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A NEW BANK OF ENGLAND NOTE.—"The force o' this 'ere + observation lies in the Barings of it."—<i>Cap'en Cuttle + adapted</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROBABLE PUBLICATION.—<i>Correct to a Shade</i>. (A + book of ghostly counsel.) By the Author of <i>Betrayed by a + Shadow</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WORLDLY-WISE MOTTO FOR THE WRANGLERS ABOUT "DARKEST + AFRICA."—"Keep it Dark!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ANGLO-FRENCH MOTTO FOR A THOROUGHLY RAINY + DAY.—"<i>Pour Toujours.</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A JOURNALISTIC CITY.—Pressburg.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., December 6, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12739-h.htm or 12739-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/7/3/12739/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., December 6, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 25, 2004 [EBook #12739] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +December 6, 1890. + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XXII.--THE MANLY MAIDEN. + +The Manly Maiden may be defined as the feminine exaggeration of those +rougher qualities which men display in their intercourse with one +another, or in the pursuit of those sports in which courage, strength, +and endurance play a part. In a fatal moment she conceives the idea +that she can earn the proud title of "a good fellow" by emulating +the fashions and the habits of the robuster sex. She perceives that +men have a liking for men who are strong, bluff, outspoken, and +contemptuous of peril, and she infers mistakenly, that the same +tribute of admiration is certain to be paid to a woman who, setting +the traditions of her sex at defiance, consciously apes the manly +model without a thought of all that the imitation involves. She +forgets that as soon as a woman steps down of her own free will from +the pedestal on which the chivalrous admiration of men has placed her, +she abandons at once her claim to that flattering reticence of speech, +and that specially attentive courtesy of bearing, which are in men the +outward and visible signs of the spiritual grace which they assume +as an attribute of all women. In spite of what the crazy theorists +of the perfect equality school may say, men still continue to expect +and to admire in women precisely those qualities in which they feel +themselves to be chiefly deficient. Their reverence and affection are +bestowed upon her whose voice is ever soft, gentle and low, and whose +mild influence is shed like a balm upon the labours and troubles of +life. Of slang, and of slaps upon the back, of strength, whether of +language or of body, they get enough and to spare amongst themselves, +and they are scarcely to be blamed if at certain moments they should +prefer refinement to roughness, and gentleness to gentlemen. However, +these obvious considerations have no weight with the Manly Maiden. +In fact they never occur to her, and hence arise failures, and +humiliations, and disappointments not a few. + +[Illustration] + +The Manly Maiden is not, as a rule, the natural product of a genuine +country life. The daughter of rich parents, who have spent a great +part of their lives in a centre of commercial activity, she is +introduced to a new home in the country at about the age of fourteen. +Seeing that all those who live in the neighbourhood are in one way or +another associated with outdoor sports, and that the favour in which +the men are held and their fame vary directly as their power to ride +or to shoot straight, she becomes possessed by the notion that she too +must, if she is to please at all, be proficient in the sports of men. +Merely to ride to hounds is, of course, not sufficiently distinctive. +Many women do that, without losing at all the ordinary characteristics +of women. She must ride bare-backed, she must understand a horse's +ailments and his points, she must trudge (in the constant society of +men) over fallows and through turnips in pursuit of partridges, she +must be able to talk learnedly of guns, of powders, and of shot, she +must possess a gun of her own, and think she knows how to use it, she +must own a retriever, and herself make him submissive by the frequent +application of a silver-headed dog-whip. + +These attainments are her ideals of earthly bliss, and she sets out +to realise them with a terrible perseverance. Her father, of course, +knows but little of sport. He is, however, afflicted with the ordinary +desire to shine as a sportsman, and as a host of sportsmen. He +stocks his coverts with game, and invites large shooting parties to +stay with him. He himself takes to a gun as a hen might take to the +water; although, as his daughter contemptuously expresses it, he is +calculated to miss a hippopotamus at ten yards, he seems to imagine, +if one may be permitted to judge from the wild frequency of his shots, +that it is the easiest thing in the world to hit a pheasant or a +partridge flying at ten times that distance. From such a father the +Manly Maiden easily secures permission, first of all, to walk with the +men while they are shooting, and subsequently to carry a gun herself. + +And now the difficulties of the situation begin to make themselves +felt, not, indeed, by her, for she remains sublimely unconscious to +the end, but by the men who are compelled to associate with her upon +her ventures. No man will ever hesitate to rebuke another for carrying +his gun in such a way as to threaten danger; but, when a lady allows +him to inspect the inside of her loaded gun-barrels, or shoots down +the line at an evasive rabbit, he must suffer in silence, and can only +seek compensation for restraining his tongue by incontinently removing +his body to a safe place, where he can neither shoot nor be shot. At +luncheon, however, he may be gratified by hearing the Manly Maiden +rally him on the poor result of his morning's sport. She will then +favour him, at length, with her opinions as to how a driven partridge +or a rocketing pheasant should be shot, flavouring her discourse with +copious extracts from the Badminton books on shooting, and adding here +and there imaginative reminiscences of her own exploits in dealing +death. In the hunting-field she will lose her groom, and babble sport +to the Master, with whom she further ingratiates herself by rating and +lashing one of his favourite hounds, or by heading the fox whenever +he attempts to break away. She then crosses him at an awkward fence, +and considers herself aggrieved by the strong language which breaks +irresistibly from the fallen sportsman's lips. Later on she astonishes +an elderly follower of the hounds by asking him for a draught from his +flask, and completes his amazement by complaining of the thoughtless +manner in which he has diluted his brandy. + +In the evening she will narrate her adventures at length, amidst +a chorus of admiring comments from her fond parents, and their +parasites, and will follow up her triumphs of the day by pursuing the +men into the smoking-room, where she permits one of them to offer +her a cigarette, and imagines that she delights him by accepting it. +On such an occasion she will inform one of her friends that, on the +whole, she has but a poor opinion of Diana of the Ephesians, seeing +that she only hunted with women, and never allowed men to approach +her. From this it may be inferred that her stock of classical +allusions is not quite so accurate and complete as that of a genuine +sportswoman should be. Next morning she may be seen schooling her +horses in the park. She has a touching faith in the use both of spur +and of whip whenever the occasion seems least to demand them, and +she despises the man who rides without rowels, and reverences one who +attempts impossible jumps without discrimination. During the summer +she spends a considerable part of her time in "getting fit" for the +labours of the autumn and winter. Sometimes she even plays cricket, +and has been known to address the ball that bowled her in highly +uncomplimentary terms. + +So the years pass on. She never learns that it is possible for a woman +on certain occasions to be in the way of men, nor does her accuracy +or her care with a gun increase. If she marries at all, she will marry +some feeble creature who has no feeling for sport, and over whom she +can lord it to her heart's content. But it is more probable that she +will remain unwedded, and will develop eventually from a would-be +harding-riding maiden, into a genuinely hard-featured old maid. + + * * * * * + +A MUSICAL POLE STAR. + +The Irish Polar Star Musical, yclept our Paddy REWSKI, gave his last +"recital" at St. James's Hall, Thursday, November 27. Bedad, then, +'tis Misther Paddy REWSKI himself that is the broth of a boy entirely +at the piano-forte, but, Begorra, he's better at the _piano_ than +the _forte._ He gave us a nice mixture of HANDEL, BEETHOVEN, CHOPIN, +LISZT, and then a neat little compo of his own, consisting of a +charming theme, with mighty ingenious and beautiful variations, all +his own, divil a less. Great success for Paddy REWSKI. The Irish Pole, +or Pole-ished Irishman, has thoroughly mastered his art, but if he has +learnt how to master tune he has not yet perfected himself in _keeping +strict time_, as he took his seat at the piano just one quarter of +an hour late. Paddy REWSKI, me bhoy, when next you give us a recital, +remember that punctuality is the soul of business. _Au revoir_, Paddy +REWSKI! + +Yours entirely, JIM KRO MESKI. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS.--Go and see _London Assurance_, with "CHARLES our +friend" in it, at the Criterion. It has, probably, never yet been put +on the stage as it is _hic et nunc_. Well worth seeing as a _curio_. +But what tin-pot nonsense is the Tally-ho speech of _Lady Grace +Harkaway_. And yet it has always "gone," and _London Assurance_ +itself, like the sly Reynard of the speech, has invariably shown good +sport, and given a good run for the money. + + * * * * * + +MAD WAGGERY.--_The Chequers_ is not the name of a wayside inn, but +of one of those modern inventions calculated to help to fill Colney +Hatch. A Puzzle it is, and it can be done--at least so say FELTHAM +& CO. Anyhow, they don't sell the solution, they only provide the +mystery. + + * * * * * + +AN OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS NUMBER (_which is sure not to be +forgotten_).--Number One. + + * * * * * + +A CAUTION TO SNAKES. + +[Illustration: Liberty, in a forest, flees a rattlesnake wearing an +Indian headdress.] + +"There is, however, another opinion prevalent among the less educated +which gives to the Rattle-snake the vindictive spirit of the North +American Indian, and asserts that it adds a new joint to its rattle +whenever it has slain a human being, thus bearing in its tail the +fearful trophies of its prowess, just as the Indians wear the scalps +of slain foes."--_Wood's Natural History_. + + * * * * * + + "INGINS is Snakes!" And from its lair + This snake seems stirring. Who cries "Scare!"? + Well, they who hear the rattle + Close at their heels, its spring will dread, + And wary watch and cautious tread, + And arm as though for battle. + + Even to drive the keen-fanged snake + From its old home in swamp or brake + Irks sensitive humanity; + But they who know the untamed thing, + Have felt its fang, have seen its spring, + Hold mercy mere insanity. + + Untamed, untameable, it hides, + _Anguis in herba_, coils and glides, + And strikes when least expected, + And who shall blame its watchful foe + Who stands prepared to strike a blow, + When the swift death's detected? + + In the dark jungle dim and damp + It lurks, and Civilisation's tramp + Disturbs its sanctuary. + Hard on the snake? Perchance, perchance! + But Civilisation, to advance, + Must ruthless be, as wary. + + "Vindictive spirit" of the wild, + 'Twixt you and Progress' pale-faced child + Fated vendetta rages, + And Pity's self stands powerless + To help you counter with success + The onset of the ages. + + Long driven, lingeringly you lurk; + Steel and starvation ply their work + Of slow extermination. + Armed once again Columbia stands, + And who'd arrest avenging hands, + Must challenge--Civilisation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS OF THE BAR. + +A SKETCH IN THE LAW COURTS, SHOWING THE PATIENT AND RESPECTFUL +ATTENTION OF THE COUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFF DURING THE SPEECH OF +COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANT.] + + * * * * * + +The Archbishop of CANTERBURY's learned judgment in the Lincoln Case +was very much after the style in which His Grace parts his hair. It +was a first-rate example of the _Via Media_. + + * * * * * + +A PAGE FROM A POSSIBLE DIARY. + +(_WRITTEN IN THE WILD WEST._) + +_Monday_.--Well, here I am. Guess I have got together a pretty tidy +Army, that should beat BARNUM into small potatoes. The Arabs from +Earl's Court will soon go along straight enough. They seem to miss the +Louvre Theatre over yonder, where they were on the free list. Rather +a pity I can't start a Show here, but I calculate the country is too +disturbed. + +_Tuesday_.--Nothing much doing. Sent along to SMALL BITE, and he has +promised to come round along with a few of the Ghost-Dancers to let +me see what I think of them. Fancy the _ballet_ has been done before. +That clever cuss GUS, must have used it at Covent Garden when he put +up _Robert the Devil_. It seems like the Nun Ballet--uncommonly. + +_Wednesday_.--SMALL BITE is here. He's friendly enough, but his terms +are too high. Fancy they must have been trying to annex him for the +Aquarium. The Ghost-Dance is a fraud. Nothing in it. Might fake +it up a bit with national flags and red fire. But it's decidedly +disappointing. Altogether small pumpkins. + +_Thursday_.--Settlers want to know when I am going to begin. They are +always in such a darned hurry. They ought to know I am the hero of a +hundred fights (see my Autobiography--a few copies of which may still +be had at the almost nominal price of half-a-dollar) and should rely +on me accordingly. Am to visit the Indian Camp to-morrow. + +_Friday_.--Terms agreed. SMALL BITE and fifty braves engage themselves +for six months certain, sharing terms, travelling exes, and one clear +benefit. I find front of the curtain and advertising, they provide +entertainment, which is to include Ghost-Dance (with banners and +red fire) religious rites, war-dance, and scalping expedition +with incidentals (SMALL BITE says he knows "some useful knockabout +niggers") and procession in and out of towns. Think I can boom it. + +_Saturday_.--My connection with war ended. Calculate I start to-morrow +with the Show across the herring-pond, to wake up the Crowned Heads of +Europe! + + * * * * * + +TO THE BIG BACILLICIDE. + + O DOCTOR KOCH, if you can slay + Those horrid germs that kill us, + You'll be _the_ hero of the day, + Great foe of the Bacillus! + What champion may we match with you + In all the world of fable? + St. George, who the Great Dragon slew, + The Knights of ARTHUR's Table, + E'en gallant giant-slaying JACK, + The British nursery's darling; + Or JENNER, against whom the pack + Of faddists now are snarling, + Must second fiddle play to him + Who stayed the plague of phthisis, + And plumbed a mystery more dim + And deep than that of Isis. + For what are Dragons, Laidly Worms, + And such-like mythic scourges, + Compared with microscopic germs + 'Gainst which the war he urges? + Hygeia, goddess, saint, or nymph, + We trust there's no big blunder, + And hope your votary's magic lymph + May prove no nine days' wonder. + We dare not trust each pseudo-seer + Who'd powder, purge, or pill us; + But pyramids to him we'll rear + Who baffles the Bacillus. + + * * * * * + +STRANGE TRANSFORMATION.--From the _Times_ Correspondent, U.S., we +learned, last week, that somebody who had been "a Bull," was now "a +Bear." What next will he be?--A donkey? Or did he begin with this, and +will he end by being a goose? + + * * * * * + +PROSPECT FOR CHRISTMAS.--"TUCK," i.e., RAPHAEL of that ilk. The +"Correct (Christmas) Card." + + * * * * * + +"A PAIR OF SPECTACLES." + +[Illustration] + +The first spectacle classic and Shakspearian: t'other burlesquian, +and PETTIT-cum-SIMS. The one at the Princess's, the other at the +Gaiety. _Place au_ "Divine WILLIAMS"! _Antony and Cleopatra_ is +magnificently put on the stage. The costumes are probably O.K.--"all +correct"--seeing that Mr. LEWIS WINGFIELD pledges his honourable +name for the fact. We might have done with a few less, perhaps, but, +as in the celebrated case of the war-song of the Jingoes, if we've +got the men, and the money too, then there was every reason why the +redoubtable LEWIS (whose name, as brotherly Masons will call to mind, +means "Strength") should have put a whole army of Romans on the stage, +if it so pleased him. + +[Illustration: The Last Scene of Antony and Cleopatra.] + +For its _mise-en-scene_ alone the revival should attract all +London. But there is more than this--there is the clever and careful +impersonation of _Enobarbus_ by His Gracious Heaviness, Mr. ARTHUR +STIRLING; then there is a lighter-comedy touch in the courteous and +gentlemanly rendering of _Octavius Caesar_ by Mr. F. KEMBLE COOPER--one +of the best things in the piece, but from the inheritor of two such +good old theatrical names, much is expected. And then there is +the _Mark Antony_ of Mr. CHARLES COGHLAN, a rantin', roarin' boy, +this _Antony_, whom no one, I believe, could ever have made really +effective; and finally. Her Graceful Majesty, Mrs. LANGTRY, Queen of +Egyptian Witchery. Now honestly I do not consider _Cleopatra_ a good +part, nor is the play a good play for the matter of that. I believe +it never has been a success, but if, apart from the really great +attraction of gorgeous spectacular effects, there is any one scene +above another which might well draw all London, it is the death of +_Cleopatra_, which to my mind is--after the fall of WOLSEY, and a long +way after, too,--one of the most pathetic pictures ever presented on +the stage. So lonely in her grandeur, so grand, and yet so pitiable in +her loneliness is this poor Queen of Beauty, this Empress-Butterfly, +who can conquer conquerors, and for whose sake not only her noble +lovers, but her poor humble serving-maids, are willing to die. + +[Illustration: The Run of Cleopatra.] + +Her last scene is beyond all compare her best, and to those who are +inclined to be disappointed with the play after the first Act is +over I say, "Wait for the end," and don't leave until the Curtain has +descended on that gracious figure of the Queen of Egypt, attired in +her regal robes, crowned with her diadem, holding her sceptre, but +dead in her chair of state. _Ca donne a penser_. + +_The Gaiety_.--In calling their burlesque _Carmen up to Data_, +possibly the two dear clever boys who wrote it intended some +crypto-jocosity of which the hidden meaning is known only to the +initiated in these sublime mysteries. Why "_Data_"? On the other hand, +"Why not?" + +However attractive or not as a heading in a bill of the play, +the Gaiety _Carmen_ is, on the whole, a merry, bright, and light +burlesque-ish piece, though, except in the costume and make-up of Mr. +ARTHUR WILLIAMS as _Captain Zuniga_, there is nothing extraordinarily +"burlesque" in the appearance of any of the characters, as the +appearance of Mr. HORACE MILLS as _Remendado_ belongs more to +Christmas pantomime than to the sly suggestiveness of real burlesque. + +[Illustration: Scene from the Cigarette History of _Carmen_.] + +As Miss ST. JOHN simply looks, acts, and sings as a genuine _Carmen_, +I can only suppose that her voice is not strong enough for the real +Opera; otherwise I doubt whether any better operatic impersonator of +the real character could be found. She is not the least bit burlesque, +and though the songs she has to sing are nothing like so telling +as those she has had given her in former pieces, yet, through her +rendering, most are encored, and all thoroughly appreciated. + +[Illustration: In for a good Run on the "Bogie" System.] + +Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMS as _Zuniga_ is very droll, reminding some of us, +by his make-up and jerky style, of MILHER as the comic _Valentine_ +in _Le Petit Faust_. Mr. LONNEN is also uncommonly good as the spoony +soldier, and in the telling song of "_The Bogie Man_;" and in the +still more telling dance with which he finishes it and makes his exit, +he makes _the_ hit of the evening,--in fact the hit by which the +piece will he remembered, and to which it owes the greater part of its +success. + +In the authors' latest adaptation of the very ancient "business" of +"the statues"--consisting of a verse, and then an attitude, I was +disappointed, as I had been led to believe that here we should see +what Mr. LONNEN could do in the Robsonian or burlesque-tragedy style. +The brilliancy of the costumes, of the scenery, the grace of the four +dancers, and the excellence of band and chorus, under the direction +of that ancient mariner MEYER LUTZ, are such as are rarely met with +elsewhere. + +Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES may now attend to the building of his new theatre, +as _Carmen up to Data_ will not give him any trouble for some time to +come. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Only a Penny! And well worth every halfpenny of it. I am alluding +to the Christmas Number of the _Penny Illustrated Paper_, in which +appears _A Daughter of the People_, by JOHN LATEY, Junior, who is +Junior than ever in December. Capital Christmas Number, and will +attract an extraordinary number of Christmas readers. + +_The Rosebud Annual_, published by JAMES CLARK & CO., is quite a +bright posy for our very little ones. + +Turning from novels, it is a relief to come across so inviting a +little volume as the _Pocket Atlas, and Gazetteer of Canada_, which +will be found of the greatest possible value to eccentric Londoners +who purpose visiting the Dominion during the coming Winter. + +"_Persicos odi_," but you won't agree with HORACE if you follow this +"_puer apparatus_" of G. NORWAY, who, in _Hussein's Hostage_, gives us +the exciting adventures of a Persian boy. + +_'Twixt School and College_, by GORDON STABLES, has nothing to do +with horsey experiences, as suggested by the author's name, but is the +uneventful home-life of a poor Scotch laddie, who triumphs by dint of +pluck. + +_Nutbrown Roger and I_, by J.H. YOXALL, a romance of the highway, +quite in the correct style of disguises and blunderbusses always so +necessary for a tale of this kind. + +_Disenchantment_ is the--not altogether--enticing title of "an +everyday story," by F. MABEL ROBINSON, author of _The Plan of +Campaign_. It is rather a long tale to tell, for it takes 432 pages +in the unravelling. It ends with a beautiful avowal that "the heart +is no more unchanging than the mind, and that love's not immortal, +but an illusion." As the utterer of this truism is a young married +woman, it would seem that the foundation is laid for a sequel to +_Disenchantment_ that might be appropriately called _Divorce_. + +_The Secret of the Old House_, by EVELYN EVERETT GREEN, who evidently +can't keep a secret to himself, will be so no longer when the children +have satisfied their curiosity by reading the book. + +My faithful "Co." declares that he has been recently hard at work +novel-reading. He has been revelling in an atmosphere of romance. +He has been moved almost to tears by _Lady Hazleton's Confession_, +by Mrs. KENT SPENDER, which, he says, includes, amongst many moving +passages, some glimpses of Parliamentary life. _Friend Olivia_, in +one bulky volume, takes the reader back to the days of CROMWELL, when +people said "hath," instead of "has," and "pray resolve me truly," +instead of "don't sell me;" and "Mr. JOHN MILTON" played upon the +organ. It has a fine old crusty Puritan flavour about it, which, +however, does not prevent the hero and heroine, in the last page, +reading a letter together, "with smiles, and little laughs, and sweet +asides, and sweeter kisses." Altogether, a book to read when a library +does _not_ contain WALTER SCOTT, ALEXANDRE DUMAS _pere_, G.P.R. JAMES, +or HARRISON AINSWORTH. _Two Masters_ deals with passages in the life +of a young lady who is described as "a Boarding-school Miss" in Volume +I., and "a young she-fiend" in Volume III. However, it is only right +to say, that the last compliment is paid to her by a gentlemanly +murderer, who takes poison and a cigarette, with a view to escaping a +justly-deserved death on the gallows. From this it may be seen, that +the novel is at times slightly sensational. Fearing that his Christmas +might be saddened by this last ghastly incident, were not the +impression created by it partially removed by less highly-seasoned +fare, my faithful "Co." has also read _Mary Hamilton, a Tale for +Girls, My Schoolfellows_, and _Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble_. He considers +the first admirably adapted to the comprehension of the readers to +whom it is addressed, only the girls, he says, should be _very_ young +girls. _My Schoolfellows_ he intends reading again when he has reached +his second childhood, when he fancies he will be better pleased with +the humours of "_Guzzling Gus_" and "_Ned Never Mind_." In conclusion, +he admits that he is a little doubtful about the merits or demerits of +_Bonnie Boy's Soap Bubble_. He explains, that while he was reading it +he "fell a thinking," and that when he woke up, the volume was lying +on the floor. Since then, he adds, he really has not had the leisure +to pick it up. + +_The Snake's Pass_, by BRAM STOKER, M.A. (SAMPSON LOW), is a simple +love-story, a pure idyl of Ireland, which does not seem, after all, to +be so distressful a country to live in. Whiskey punch flows like milk +through the land; the loveliest girls abound, and seem instinctively +to be drawn towards the right man. Also there are jooled crowns to be +found by earnest seekers, with at least one large packing-case crammed +with rare coins. The love-scenes are frequent and tempting. BRAM has +an eye to scenery, and can describe it. He knows the Irish peasant, +and reproduces his talk with a fidelity which almost suggests that he, +too, is descended from one of the early kings, whereas, as everyone +knows, he lives in London and adds grace and dignity to "the front" of +the Lyceum on First Nights and others. He is perfectly overwhelming +in his erudition in respect of the science of drainage, which, if all +stories be true, he might find opportunity of turning to account in +the every-day (or, rather, every-night) world of the theatre. In his +novel he utilises it in the preliminaries of shifting a mighty bog, +the last stages whereof are described in a chapter that, for sustained +interest, recalls CHARLES READE's account of the breaking of the +Sheffield Reservoir. The novel-reader will do well not to pass by _The +Snake's Pass_. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +RED VERSUS BLACK. + +(_TWO VIEWS OF THE SAME PLACE, BY GENTLEMEN "WHO WRITE TO THE +PAPERS."_) + +_Opinion No. 1._--Monte Carlo! One of the most disgraceful places in +Europe--a blot upon our civilisation. The gambling is productive of +the greatest possible misery. It is an institution that should be held +up to the execration of mankind. All the riffraff of the globe are +attracted to this hideous spot. The place is like an upas-tree, under +which everything noble and good languishes and dies! The form of +Government is absolutely immoral. It is a scandal that rates, and +taxes, and public improvements should be paid for out of the private +purse of the Director. He could not afford it had he not made a +fortune out of his ill-gotten gains! Anyone who has watched at +the tables knows that the chances are absolutely unfair--that the +Direction must win. Not that this matters much. It is the general +immorality of the place that is so alarming. The place should be +closed at once; and persons who have lost anything, say, during the +last year, should have their money promptly returned to them. And I +say this without any bias, although I _did_ back Red, and Black came +up ten times running! + +P.S.--Just won a trifle. Not so sure that my pessimist view may not be +modified. + +_Opinion No. 2._--Monte Carlo! Without exception, the loveliest +spot in Europe. The so-called gambling is the cause of numberless +blessings. It is an institution that should be held up to the +admiration of mankind. All the aristocracy of the civilised world +flock to it to indulge in a recreation to which only the greatly +prejudiced can possibly take exception. The Government is benevolent +to the last degree. In what other country are rates, taxes, and +improvements paid for you? If the Director were not the best of men, +how could this be done? The play itself is absolutely fair. And, with +a system, and a sufficiency of capital, anyone is able to realise a +large fortune in less than no time. Not that this absolute certainty +should be taken into consideration. It is the general morality of the +place that is so encouraging. The place should never close. And it +would be a graceful thing if those who have laid in a store for their +old age were to return a trifle, to be expended on some charity. And +I say this without any bias, although I have backed Black ten times +successfully. + +P.S.--Just lost all I had. Not so sure that my optimist view is not +open to rectification! + + * * * * * + +BULL AND BULLION. + +(_ON GOLD, AFTER GOLDSMITH._) + + When British Commerce stoops to folly, + And finds too late that Bonds betray, + What charm can soothe her melancholy, + And the big rush for bullion stay? + + To save herself from shameful ruin + (Ask Monsieur LAUR!) her only chance + Lies--full revenge for Waterloo!--in + Big borrowings from generous France. + + * * * * * + +_Mr. Punch Among the Planets_ is the title of _Mr. Punch's_ Christmas +Number, _vice_ Almanack superseded. Ask for this, and "see that you +get it"! + + * * * * * + +VOX STELLARUM.--The New Comet, November 19, Boston, U.S., suddenly +appeared, and was heard to exclaim, "But, soft! I am observed!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENES OF CLERICAL LIFE.--A DIOCESAN CONFERENCE. + +"LOOK 'ERE, BILL! BLEST IF THESE BEAN'T A LOT O' PARSONS ON STRIKE!"] + + * * * * * + +"SEPARATISTS." + +(_FRAGMENTS OF A MODERN "MARMION."_) + + "But DOUGLAS round him drew his cloak, + Folded his arms, and thus he spoke:-- + * * * * * + 'The hand of DOUGLAS is his own, + And never shall in friendly grasp + The hand of such as MARMION clasp.'" + * * * * * + + "The hand of such as MARMION!" Ay! + Great Singer of the knightly lay, + Thy tale of Flodden field + Is darkened by unknightly stain. + That slackened arm and burdened brain + Of him found low among the slain, + Constrained at last to yield + To a mere "base marauder's lance;" + He, firm of front and cold of glance, + The dark, the dauntless MARMION.-- + The days of chivalry are gone, + Dispraisers of the present say, + Yet men arm still for party fray + As fierce as foray old; + And mail is donned, and steel is drawn, + And champions challenging at dawn + Ere night lie still and cold. + Two champions here 'midst loud applause, + Have led the lists in a joint cause + On many a tourney morn, + Have fought to vanward in the field + Full many an hour, and, sternly steeled, + One banner forward borne. + And now--ah, well, as DOUGLAS old + On MARMION looked sternly cold, + So looks this Chieftain grey + On his old comrade, though the fight + Is forward now, and many a knight + Is arming for the fray. + As "the demeanour changed and cold + Of DOUGLAS fretted MARMION bold," + Has this old greyhaired Chieftain's chill + Fretted that man of icy will? + Who knows--or cares to know? + At least he "has to learn ere long + That constant mind, and hate of wrong" + Than steely pride are yet more strong; + That shame can strike a blow + At comradeship more fatal far + Than any chance of fateful war + When faction howled with Cerberus throat, + When falsehood struck a felon stroke, + When forgery did its worst + To pull its hated quarry down, + To dim, disarm, degrade, discrown. + Against the array accurst + That ancient chief made gallant head, + Dismayed not, nor disquieted + At rancour's rude assault. + He shared opprobrium undeserved, + But not for that had courage swerved, + Or loyalty made default. + But now? The hand that reared hath razed; + And as old ANGUS stood amazed + At WILTON's shameful tale, + So fealty here must bend the brow, + And faith, though sorely tried, till now + Surviving, faint and fail; + As DOUGLAS round him drew his cloak, + So, saddened by unknightly stroke, + The ancient chief must draw; + Nor in mere pharisaic scorn, + But in the name of faith foresworn + And honour's broken law. + + "'Tis pity of him, too!" 'Twas so, + The half-relenting ANGUS, low + Spake in his snowy beard. + "Bold can he speak, and fairly ride: + I warrant him a warrior tried." + A foeman to be feared, + A leader to be trusted, seemed + This dark, cold chief, and few had dreamed + Of such strange severance. + And any not ignoble eye + In sorrow more than mockery + Aside will gladly glance. + 'Tis pity of it! Right or wrong, + The Cause needs champions true as strong, + And blameless as they're bold. + "A sinful heart makes feeble hand," + Cried MARMION, his "failing brand" + Cursing with lips grown cold. + Let vulgar venom triumph here, + And hate, itself from shame not clear, + Make haste to hurl the stone; + A nobler foe will stand aside, + And more in sorrow than in pride, + Not hot to harry or deride, + Like DOUGLAS in his halls abide, + But keep his hand--his own! + + * * * * * + +FROM A THEATRICAL CORRESPONDENT.--Sir,--I know a lot about London +and N.B., but never till now did I know of the existence of 'ARRY +in Scotland. The character is now represented, as I am informed, +on the stage, by Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, who, in a play called _Back_, +impersonates the MAC ARRY. Odd, this! for the McCOCKNIE. P.S.--One +lives and learns. [*** If McCOCKNIE is to learn much, he will have to +become a McMETHUSELAH. The piece to which he alludes is _Called Back_, +by HUGH CONWAY and COMYNS CARR, and the part in it, excellently played +by Mr. TREE, is _Macari_, an Italian.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SEPARATISTS." + +Douglas ... Mr. Gl-dst-ne. Marmion ... Mr. P-rn-ll. + +Douglas. "THE HAND OF DOUGLAS IS HIS OWN; AND NEVER SHALL IN FRIENDLY +GRASP THE HAND OF SUCH AS MARMION CLASP!"--_Marmion_, Canto VI.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY VERY MUCH AT SEA. + +(_AN INCIDENT OF MR. ASHMEAD-BARTLETT'S RECENT TOUR IN IRELAND._) + +_Mr. A.B._ "WHY PAT, MY LAD, I SEE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN OF HERE. THESE +POTATOES ARE REMARKABLY FINE!" + +_Pat_. "BEDAD, SOR, BUT THEY'RE NOT PRATIES AT ALL, AT ALL. SHURE, +IT'S THE TURNIPS YOUR HONOUR'S LOOKING AT!"] + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +"The Royal Society of Painters in Water-Colours?" said young PAR. +"Nonsense! why all the water is frozen now, and so they can't paint!" +"Precisely," replied I; "and that's why it is a nice exhibition!" +This so startled Young PAR that he slipped and fell. I turned into +the Gallery in Pall Mall, and left him sitting on the cold hard flags +outside. Inside pleasant enough. BIRKET FOSTER's "_Island of Rum_" +very comforting--should like some hot. HERBERT MARSHALL--our own +City MARSHALL--has gone further afield, to "_Old Chelsea_." Should +now be called the Field MAR SHALL. MATTHEW HALE, in "_Gathering +Blackberries_," is a hail fellow well met! "_The Corso, Verona_," by +S.J. HODSON, shows that HODSON's choice is a good one. HENRY MOORE's +sea-pieces--the more the merrier, say I. "_Warkworth--Sunlit Shower_," +by A.W. HUNT: a walk worth taking when the hunt is up. "_Holidays Past +and Future_," suggests wide subjects and open spaces. Why, then, is +it painted by SMALLFIELD? "_Wreck of the Halswell_," is a terrible +catastrophe. Can't be "All's Well." Possibly the painter, G.H. +ANDREWS, means "all swell"--that seems a great deal more likely. +ALBERT GOODWIN shows himself to be a good winner in the "_Ponte +Vecchio, Florence_." DU MAURIER delights us with some clever Society +sketches in pen and pencil. The veteran, Sir JOHN GILBERT, is as +young, as dashing, as vigorous as ever. H.G. GLINDONI has two pictures +full of humour and character. STACY MARKS' "_Cockatoo_" looks as if +it had just flown in from the Zoo. "_Au Sgarnach_," by C.B. PHILLIP. +Title difficult to understand. Landscape easy to comprehend. A close +study of Nature, admirably painted. A wholesome Phillippic against +namby-pamby prettiness. "_On the Thames_," by G.A. FRIPP, honestly +painted, and no frippery about it. Miss CLARA MONTALBA has a large +number of pictures of Venice--and Mr. RIDGE comes up and says he is +the Keeper. What Keeper? He whispers, he is the Keeper of the Cold +Out--What an oridginal remark!--and will I step into the Committee +Room? I do, and remain there, and continue to be + +Yours par-adoxically, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE HOPERA. + +I was habel the other day to do BROWN a good turn by getting him +engaged at won of our big Otels, so he kindly offerd to stand a +supper, and then take me to the Hopera at Common Garden. We went to +see _Horfay_. + +It seems that wunce upon a time, ever so many thowsand years ago, +before there was not no Lord Mares, nor no Shirryffs, nor not ewen +no Aldermen, a Gent of the name of _Horfay_ lived in Grease. He was +the werry grandest Fiddler of his time, a regler JOEY KIM. Well, he +married a werry bewtiful wife, of the name of _Yourridisee_, and they +was both werry appy, till one day, as she was a having a run in a +field, a norrid serpent bit her in her heel; so she died. Well, while +poor _Mr. Horfay_ is a telling us all about his trubbel, in comes a +werry bewtiful young lady with a pair of most bewtiful wings on, and +she werry kindly gives him a new sort of magic Fiddle, called, as I +was told, A Liar! to go to--go down to _you kno where_, to git his +wife back! Off he goes, and the neks sean shows us the werry plaice, +all filled with savidges, and demons, and snakes, and things; and +presently, when _Mr. Horfay_ is seen a cumming down, all the demons +and savidges runs at him to stop him; but he holds up the Liar, and +begins for to sing, and most bewtifully too, tho' I didn't kno the +tune; they all makes way for him, and he gos bang into lots of big +flames, and so I werry naterally thort as how it was all over. But +not a bit of it, for in the werry next sean we sees him with his Liar +in a most lovly garden, all full of most lovly flowers and trees, and +numbers of bewtiful ladies, a dancing and enjoying theirselves like +fun, until his Liar leads him rite up to his wife, and then he raps +harf his scarf round her, and off they gos together, both on 'em +dowtless a longing for a reel nupshal kiss, but poor _Mr. Horfay_ not +a daring for to look at her, becoz if he does before he gets her home, +she will be ded again direckly! Was there hever such a tanterlising +case ever known! When she sings to him to give her one loving look, +he sings to her to say he mustn't, until at larst she sets down on a +nice cumferel-looking sofy, as appens for to be in the werry middel of +the street, and says, werry artfully, as she carn't go not one step +farther, when in course he turns round, and rushes up to her to have +one fond embrace, and, thank goodness, they has it, and then she falls +back dead! + +Well, now, I knos as I'm ony a mere Hed Waiter, and, therefore, not +xpected to have any werry fine feelings, like my betters has, but + +I do declare that, when I saw this sad, sad end to all that grand +amount of reel true Love, the tears run down my cheeks like rain, and +I was a getting up to go away, when presently in came the lovly angel +again, whose name I was told was Love, and told him that such love +as his could conker Death itself; and she brort the pore wife to life +again, and all hended, as all things shood end, jovial, and cumferal, +and happy. What a wunderful thing is Music! It didn't seem at all +strange to me that not one single word was spoke all the heavening, +but ewery word sung, and in a forren tung, too, that I didn't +hunderstand, the bewtiful story kep my atention fixt the hole time, +and I warked home in the poring rain, werry thankful, and jest a +leetle prowd, that in one thing, at least, I was not xacly like BROWN, +who slept carm and content thro the hole of the larst hact. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +THE FATE OF SALVATION ARMY GENERALS. + + "Each General is, by a deed of appointment, executed and + placed in safe custody with certain formalities, &c."--_Gen. + Booth's Letter to the Times, Nov._ 27. + +This is dreadful! Why should the Generals be executed? What have they +done to deserve this cruel fate? And what is the use of placing them +in safe custody _after_ they have been executed? And what are the +"certain formalities"? We pause for a reply to all these questions. + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE.--CHRISTMAS IS COMING.--In the _Morning Post_, one day last +week, appeared an announcement to the effect that Madame NOEL had +left one residence in the West End for another in the same quarter. +Odd this, just now. But go where she will, _Le bon pere_ NOEL will be +in London and the country on the 25th instant; so the best way is to +prepare to receive Father Christmas. + + * * * * * + +SO-HO, THERE!--Some persons think that the proper place for "The +Pelican" ought still to be--the wilderness. + + * * * * * + +NOVELTY.--Quartette for three players--"Whist! the Dumby Man!" + + * * * * * + +EDUCATIONAL WORK (BY C.S. P-RN-LL).--_The Crammer's Guide to +Politics_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IRISH ACTORS IN AMERICA.] + + * * * * * + +A DRESS DRAMA. + +(BY A PERPLEXED PLAYWRIGHT.) + + I've got myself into a horrible mess, + Of that there can be no manner of doubt, + And my forehead is aching, because I've been making + A desperate effort to get myself out, + And I'm given away, so it seemeth to me, + Like a threepenny vase with a pound of tea. + + I promised an actress to write her a play, + With herself, of course, in the leading part, + With abundance of bathos paraded as pathos, + And a gallery death of a broken heart-- + It's a capital plan, I find, to try + To arrange a part where the audience cry. + + So I quickly think of a beautiful plot, + The interest ne'er for an instant flags; + The sorrowful ending is almost heart-rending, + As the heroine comes on in tatters and rags. + It is better than aught I have thought of before, + And will certainly run for a twelvemonth or more. + + Yet, alas! for my prospect of glory and gain, + She has strangled my play at its moment of birth, + For now she has written to say she is smitten + With the newest designs and creations of WORTH, + And to quote her own words--"As a matter of fact, + I've a couple of costumes for every act." + + Then there follows a list of the things she has bought, + Though I'm puzzled indeed as to what it may mean. + She is painfully pat in her jargon of satin, + Alpaca, nun's veiling, tulle, silk, grenadine, + And she asks me to say if I honestly think + She should die in pearl-grey, golden-brown, or shrimp-pink? + + So here I am left in this pitiful plight. + With nothing but dresses, what _am_ I to do? + For I haven't a notion what kind of emotion + Is suited to coral or proper for blue; + And if, when she faints, but they think she is dead, + Old-gold or sea-green would be better than red. + + Will crushed strawberry do for an afternoon call? + For the evening would salmon or olive be right? + May a charming young fellow embrace her in yellow? + Must she sorrow in black? Must I wed her in white? + Till, dazed and bewildered, my eyesight grows dim, + And my head, throbbing wildly, commences to swim. + + 'Twere folly and madness to try any more, + I know what I'll do--in a letter to-day + I will just tell her plainly how utterly vainly + I've striven and struggled to finish her play; + And then--happy thought!--I will mildly suggest + That she'll find for her purpose BUCHANAN the best. + + I shall now write a play without dresses at all, + A plan, which I'm sure will be perfectly new. + Yet opposed to convention, why merely the mention + Of a thing so immodest will startle a few; + And, although it's a pity, I shrewdly suspect + The Lord Chamberlain might deem it right to object. + + Better still! from the French I will boldly convey + What will be (in two senses) the talk of the town. + You insist on a moral? Well, pray do not quarrel + With the one that I now for your guidance lay down, + That of excellent maxims this isn't the worst-- + _Let the play, not the dresses, be settled the first!_ + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING IN A NAME.--What a happily appropriate name for the Chief +Magistrate of so fashionable a watering-place as Brighton is Mr. +SOPER! Whether he is soft SOPER, or Hard SOPER, or Scented SOPER, it +matters not; it is only a pity that after his year of office, if the +Brightonian Bathers can spare him, he should not be transferred to +Windsor. Old Windsor SOPER--what a splendid title for the Mayor of the +Royal town! No doubt he will show himself active and energetic during +his Mayoralty, and that at Brighton henceforth a totally opposite +meaning from the ordinary one will be given to the description of a +speech as "a SOPER-ific." At east, it is 'oped so, for the sake of +SOPER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET. + +"AND ARE _YOU_ GOING TO GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY, AUNTY +MAUD?" + +"OF COURSE, DARLING." + +"THEN _DON'T_ LET IT BE _SOMETHING USEFUL!_"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Tuesday Night, November 25_.--New Session opened +to-day. Remarkable gathering of Members in the Lords to hear Queen's +Speech read. Unusual excitement, though heroically restrained in +presence of LORD CHANCELLOR, supported on Woolsack by four figures +in red cloaks and cocked hats, borrowed for occasion from Madame +Tussaud's. HALSBURY lost his temper once when Commission being read. +Tussaud's man, sent down to work the figures--make them take off their +cocked hats and nod upon cue being given by Reading Clerk--was on +duty for first time; much interested in arrival of Commons at the Bar; +instead of lying low behind Woolsack and minding his business, kept +poking his head round to peer forth on scene. At last, LORD CHANCELLOR +in hoarse whisper threatened to send him to Clock Tower if he didn't +behave properly. + +After this all went well; figures bringing their right elbow up with a +jerk, took off their hats at precisely right moment, and replaced them +without a hitch. They were labelled "Lord LATHOM," "Earl of COVENTRY," +"Lord BROWNLOW," and "Lord KNUTSFORD." LORD CHANCELLOR sat in the +middle. The ladies on floor of House watched them with much interest. + +"Such _dear_ old things," said one, when the figure labelled "Earl of +COVENTRY" cleverly pretended to sneeze. "I wish they'd do it all over +again; but I suppose the springs have run down." + +In the Commons, everyone on the look out for PARNELL. What would he +do? Where would he sit? What would he say? Or, would he come at all? +Nobody knew. Some suspected last guess most probable. Towards Three +o'Clock whisper went round that he was here. SARK had seen him +crossing Lobby, with green spectacles and umbrella, and his hair died +crimson. Was now in room with Irish Party, arranging about Leadership. +Understood before House met that he was to retire from Leadership till +fumes from Divorce Court had passed away. Then alliance between Home +Rulers and Liberals would go on as before, and all would be well. +Ministerialists downcast at this prospect; Liberals chirpy; a great +difficulty avoided. Soon be in smooth water again. + +Waiting in House for business to commence. SPEAKER away for cause that +saddens everyone; COURTNEY to take the Chair at Four o'Clock; meeting +of Irish Members still going forward. When business concluded, PARNELL +would quietly walk out; they would take their places, and things +would go on as if no one had ever heard of Eltham, of alarums and +excursions, of exits by fire-escapes, and entrances by back doors. + +Thinking of these things, I was standing by Sergeant-at-Arms' chair; +heard a scuffling noise behind; looked round, and lo! there was +PARNELL entering House by Distinguished Strangers' Gallery, descending +by swarming down the end pillar, which supports Gallery from floor of +House. + +"Good gracious!" I cried. "What are you doing?" + +"I'm catching the last post," said PARNELL, smiling blandly, as, +reaching the floor, he unclasped arms and legs from the pillar and +quietly walked over to his ordinary place as if this were the usual +way of an Hon. Member approaching his seat. + +Direful news rapidly spread. PARNELL not going to retire from +Leadership! On contrary, meant to stay, ignoring little events brought +to light in the Divorce Court. Ministerialists jubilant; Liberals +depressed; the whole situation changed; prospects of Liberal +supremacy, so certain yesterday, suddenly blighted; talk of Mr. G. +retiring from the fray; spoke on Address just now, but no fight +left in him; the Opposition wrung out like a damp cloth; even GEORGE +CAMPBELL dumb, and Dr. CLARK indefinitely postponed Amendment long +threatened. By ten o'clock the whole thing had flickered out. Address, +which of late has taken three weeks to pass, agreed to in three hours. + +[Illustration: Up a Tree.] + +Mr. G. went off as soon as OLD MORALITY had finished his modest +speech. Walked with him across the Park to Carlton Terrace. Haven't +seen him to speak to since Midlothian. What a change! Then elate, +confident, energetic, tingling with life to his finger-ends; to-night +shrunken, limp, despondent, almost heart-broken. + +"Don't you think, Sir," I said, "that, after to-day's experience, Home +Rule has a new terror? You remember how, seven or eight years ago, the +Irish Members used to stand up in the House and personally vilify you. +Then, when you came round to their side, the very same men beslabbered +you with fulsome adulation. Now, when there is another parting of +the ways, when you pit yourself, your authority, and your character, +against their chosen Leader, they rudely turn their backs on you, +and tell you to mind your own business. How'll it be, do you think, +when you've finally served their purpose, and made possible the +accomplishment of their aim? When you have made them Masters in +Dublin, will they care any more for the views and prejudices of you +and your Liberal Party than they have done to-day?" + +"TOBY, dear boy," said Mr. G., "you're a young dog yet. When you come +to my age, you'll have learned that there is no gratitude in politics. +But we won't talk of it any more. I'm a little tired to-night." + +So we walked in silence up the steps, by the Duke of YORK's Column. + +_Business done_.--Address agreed to. Mr. P. flouts Mr. G. + +_Thursday_.--House up at twenty minutes to Six, having got through +rattling lot of business. Prince ARTHUR been sailing up and down +floor, bringing in Land Bills and Railway Bills. HICKS-BEACH depressed +with legacy of Tithes Bill. + +"Cheer up, BEACH," says CRANBORNE, tugging at his moustache a la +GRANDOLPH; "you may depend upon me. Keep your eye on your young +friend, and he will pull you through." + +"Thank you," said BEACH, with something more than his customary +effusive manner. + +JACKSON toying round the table, packing and unpacking papers, looking +at his watch and the clock, vaguely whistling, and absently rubbing +his hands. + +"What's the matter?" I asked. "You seem out of sorts." + +[Illustration: Mr. P-rn-ll turns his Back on Public Opinion.] + +"Matter!" he cried. "Why, twenty minutes to Six is the matter, +and here's all the work done and the House up. It's absolutely +demoralising; portends something uncanny. On Tuesday we got through +the Address in a single short sitting; yesterday, after meeting at +noon, had to adjourn for three hours and a half; filled up remainder +of time with bringing in Bills; To-day we have an Irish Land Bill +brought in and read a First Time, after a Debate confined to SAGE +OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, and WILFRID LAWSON. Nothing like it seen for +sixteen years. If this kind of thing goes on, you know, we'll get all +the work of the Session done in three months, and perhaps done better +than when it took nine. It's the suddenness that knocks me over, TOBY. +They ought to be more considerate, and begin more gently." + +Great commotion in Irish circles. Scene slightly shifted. It seems +that Irish Members in re-electing PARNELL on Tuesday, thought he would +relieve them of difficulty by forthwith resigning. Mr. P. doesn't +take that view; thinks it would be rude, after having been unanimously +elected, to appear to undervalue such remarkable, spontaneous act of +confidence; doesn't care a rap for public opinion. + +"_J'y suis, et j'y reste_," he says, smiling sweetly round the table, +where his friends forlornly sit. + +"Begorra!" says Mr. O'KEEF, indignantly, "it's bad enough to have him +ruining us and the counthry, without using blasphaymious language." + +_Business done_.--Everything on the paper. + +[Illustration: "Bless-you-my-child!"] + +_Friday Night_.--Louis JENNINGS made capital speech to-night on +Motion challenging commutation of certain perpetual pensions. Seems, +among other little jobs, we, the tax-payers of Great Britain, with +Income-tax at sixpence in the pound, have been paying pension of +L2,000 a year to descendant of the late ELLEN GWYNNE. Select Committee +appointed by present Government to consider whole matter, recommended +that no pension should be commuted at rate so high as twenty-seven +years' purchase. JOKIM, generous with other people's money, flies in +face of recommendation, and comfortably rounds off one or two of these +little jobs with gratuity of twenty-seven years' purchase. Cheerful to +hear this sort of thing denounced in breezy fashion from Conservative +Benches. JENNINGS, amid loud cheers, hits straight out from the +shoulder. WALTER FOSTER quite delighted. "Bless you, my child," +he says, "you ought to belong to the Radical Party." _Business +done_.--Agreed that, up to Christmas, Government shall have all the +time. + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS CARDS.--"Here we are again!" as they come tumbling in, fresh +from the hands of the publishers, HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER. More +artistic than ever! + + * * * * * + +A NEW BANK OF ENGLAND NOTE.--"The force o' this 'ere observation lies +in the Barings of it."--_Cap'en Cuttle adapted_. + + * * * * * + +PROBABLE PUBLICATION.--_Correct to a Shade_. (A book of ghostly +counsel.) By the Author of _Betrayed by a Shadow_. + + * * * * * + +WORLDLY-WISE MOTTO FOR THE WRANGLERS ABOUT "DARKEST AFRICA."--"Keep it +Dark!" + + * * * * * + +ANGLO-FRENCH MOTTO FOR A THOROUGHLY RAINY DAY.--"_Pour Toujours._" + + * * * * * + +A JOURNALISTIC CITY.--Pressburg. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., December 6, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12739.txt or 12739.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/7/3/12739/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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