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diff --git a/old/12737.txt b/old/12737.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..69de3d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12737.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1766 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., +Nov. 22, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., Nov. 22, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 25, 2004 [EBook #12737] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +November 22, 1890. + + + + +[Illustration: DOUBLING THE PART. + +_Mr. S.B. B-ncr-ft, having retired from the Stage, thinks of taking to +the Booth._ "'WHEN THE CUE COMES, CALL ME.' AW!--VERY LIKE HIM--VERY!" + +[One day last week Mr. S.B. BANCROFT wrote to the _Daily Telegraph_, +saying, that so struck was he by "General" BOOTH's scheme for +relieving everybody generally--of course "generally"--that he wished +at once to relieve himself of L1000, if he could only find out +ninety-and-nine other sheep in the wilderness of London to follow his +example, and consent to be shorn of a similar amount. Send your cheque +to 85, Fleet Street, and we'll undertake to use it for the benefit of +most deserving objects.]] + + * * * * * + +A GOOD-NATURED TEMPEST. + +It was stated in the _Echo_ that, during the late storm, a brig +"brought into Dover harbour two men, with their ribs and arms broken +by a squall off Beachy Head. The deck-house and steering-gear were +carried away, and the men taken to Dover Hospital." Who shall say, +after this, that storms do not temper severity with kindness? This +particular one, it is true, broke some ribs and arms, and carried away +portions of a brig, but, in the very act of doing this, it took the +sufferers, and laid them, apparently, on the steps of Dover Hospital. +If we must have storms, may they all imitate this motherly example. + + * * * * * + +"WHAT A WONDERFUL BO-OY!"--In the _Head-Master's Guide_ for November, +in the list of applicants for Masterships, appears a gentleman who +offers to teach Mathematics, Euclid, Arithmetic, Algebra, Natural +Science, History, Geography, Book-keeping, French Grammar, Freehand, +and Perspective Drawing, the Piano, the Organ, and the Harmonium, and +Singing, for the modest salary of L20 a-year without a residence! But +it is only just to add; that this person seems to be of marvellous +origin, for although he admits extreme youth (he says he is _only +three years of age!_) he boasts ten years of experience! _O si sic +omnes_! So wise, so young, so cheap! + + * * * * * + +If spectacular effects are worth remembering, then Sheriff DRURIOLANUS +ought to be a member of the Spectacle-makers' Company. + + * * * * * + +ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND. + +(_ON THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER._) + + ["Our difficulties are such as these--that America has + instituted a vast system of prohibitive tariffs, mainly, + I believe, because ... American pigs do not receive proper + treatment at the hands of Europe.... If we have any difficulty + with our good neighbours in France, it is because of + that unintelligent animal the lobster; and if we have any + difficulty with our good neighbours in America, it is because + of that not very much nobler animal, the seal."--_Lord + Salisbury at the Mansion House_.] + +The Real Turtle sang this, very slowly, and sadly:-- + + "We are getting quite important," said the Porker to the Seal, + "For we're 'European Questions,' as a Premier seems to feel. + See the 'unintelligent' Lobster, even he, makes an advance! + Oh, we lead the Politicians of the earth a pretty dance. + Will you, won't you, Yankee Doodle, England, and gay France. + Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, let _us_ lead the dance? + + "You can really have no notion how delightful it will be, + When they take _us_ up as matters of the High Diplomacee." + But the Seal replied, "They brain us!" and he gave a look askance + At the goggle-eyed mailed Lobster, who was loved (and boiled) by France. + "Would they, could they, would they, could they, give us half a chance? + Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals all suffer, Commerce to advance!" + + "What matters it how grand we are!" his plated friend replied, + If our destiny is Salad, or the Sausage boiled or fried? + Though we breed strife 'twixt England, and America, and France, + If we're chopped up, or boiled, or brained where is _our_ great advance? + Will you, won't you, will you, won't you chuck away a chance + Of peace in pig-stye, or at sea, to play the game of France?" + +"Thank you, it's a very amusing dance--_to watch_," said ALICE, +feeling very glad that she had not to stand up in it. + +"You may not have lived much under the Sea" (said the Real Turtle) +("I haven't," said ALICE), "and perhaps you were never introduced to +a Lobster--" (ALICE began to say "I once tasted--" but checked herself +hastily, and said, "No, never"),--"So you can have no idea what a +delightful dance a (Diplomatic) Lobster Quadrille is!" + +"I dare say not," said ALICE. + +"Stand up and repeat '_'Tis the Voice of the Premier_,'" said the +Griffin. + +ALICE got up and began to repeat it, but her head was so full of +Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals, that she hardly knew what she was saying, +and the words came very queer indeed:-- + + "'Tis the voice of the Premier; I heard him complain + On the Ninth of November all prophecy's vain. + I _must_ make some sort of a speech, I suppose. + Dear DIZZY (who led the whole world by the nose) + Said the world heard, for once, on this day, 'Truth and Sense' + (_I.e._ neatly phrased Make-believe and Pretence), + But when GLADDY's 'tide' rises, and lost seats abound, + One's voice has a cautious and timorous sound." + +"I've heard this sort of thing so often before," said the Real Turtle; +"but it sounds uncommon nonsense. Go on with the next verse." + +ALICE did not dare disobey, though she felt sure it would all come +wrong, and she went on in a trembling voice:-- + + "I passed by the Session, and marked, by the way, + How the Lion and Eagles would share Af-ri-ca. + How the peoples, at peace, were not shooting with lead, + But bethumping each other with Tariffs instead, + How the Eight Hours' Bill, on which BURNS was so sweet, + Was (like bye-elections) a snare and a cheat; + How the Lobster, the Pig, and the Seal, I would say + At my sixth Lord Mayor's Banquet--" + +"What _is_ the use of repeating all that stuff," the Real Turtle +interrupted, "if you don't explain it as you go on? It's by far the +most confusing thing _I_ ever heard!" + +"Yes, I think you'd better leave off," said the Griffin; and ALICE was +only too glad to do so. + + * * * * * + +GAMES.--It being the season of burglaries, E. WOLF AND SON--("WOLF," +most appropriate name,--but _Wolf and Moon_ would have been still +better than WOLF AND SON)--take the auspicious time to bring out their +new game of "Burglar and Bobbies." On a sort of draught-board, so +that both Burglar and Bobby play "on the square," which is in itself a +novelty. The thief may be caught in thirteen moves. This won't do. We +want him to be caught before he moves at all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEW EDITION OF "ROBA DI 'ROMER.'" + +_With Mr. Punch's sincere congratulations to his Old Friend the New +Judge._] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT A SALE OF HIGH-CLASS SCULPTURE. + + SCENE--An upper floor in a City Warehouse; a low, whitewashed + room, dimly lighted by dusty windows and two gas-burners in + wire cages. Around the walls are ranged several statues of + meek aspect, but securely confined in wooden cases, like a + sort of marble menagerie. In the centre, a labyrinthine grove + of pedestals, surmounted by busts, groups, and statuettes + by modern Italian masters. About these pedestals a small + crowd--consisting of Elderly Merchants on the look out for a + "neat thing in statuary" for the conservatory at Croydon or + Muswell Hill, Young City Men who have dropped in after lunch, + Disinterested Dealers, Upholsterers' Buyers, Obliging Brokers, + and Grubby and Mysterious men--is cautiously circulating. + +_Obliging Broker_ (_to Amiable Spectator, who has come in out +of curiosity, and without the remotest intention of purchasing +sculpture_). _No_ Catlog, Sir? 'Ere, allow me to orfer you +mine--that's _my_ name in pencil on the top of it, Sir; and, if you +_should_ 'appen to see any lot that takes your fancy, you jest ketch +my eye. (_Reassuringly._) I shan't be fur off. Or look 'ere, gimme a +nudge--_I_ shall know what it means. + + [_The A.S. thanks him profusely, and edges away with an + inward vow to avoid his and the Auctioneer's eyes, as he + would those of a basilisk._ + +_Auctioneer_ (_from desk, with the usual perfunctory fervour_). Lot +13, Gentlemen, very charming pair of subjects from child life--"_The +Pricked Finger_" and "_The Scratched Toe_"--by BIMBI. + +_A Stolid Assistant_ (_in shirtsleeves_). Figgers _'ere_, Gen'lm'n! + + [_Languid surge of crowd towards them._ + +_A Facetious Bidder_. Which of 'em's the finger, and which the toe? + +_Auct._ (_coldly_). I should have thought it was easy to identify +by the attitude. Now, Gentlemen, give me a bidding for these very +finely-executed works by BIMBI. Make any offer. What will you give me +for 'em? Both very sweet things, Gentlemen. Shall we say ten guineas? + +_A Grubby Man_. Give yer five. + +_Auct._ (_with grieved resignation_). Very well, start 'em at five. +Any advance on five? (_To_ Assist.) Turn 'em round, to show the back +view. And a 'arf! Six! And a 'arf! Only six and a 'arf bid for this +beautiful pair of figures, done direct from nature by BIMBI. Come, +Gentlemen, come! Seven! Was that _you_, Mr. GRIMES? (_The Grubby Man +admits the soft impeachment._) Seven and a 'arf. Eight! It's _against_ +you. + +_Mr. Grimes_ (_with a supreme effort_). Two-and-six! + + [_Mops his brow with a red cotton handkerchief._ + +_Auct._ (_in a tone of gratitude for the smallest mercies_). +Eight-ten-six. All done at eight-ten-six? Going ... gone! GRIMES, +Eight, ten, six. Take money for 'em. Now we come to a very 'andsome +work by PIFFALINI--"_The Ocarina Player_," one of this great artist's +masterpieces, and an exceedingly choice and high-class work, as you +will all agree directly you see it. (_To Assist._) Now, then, Lot 14, +there--look sharp! + +_Stolid Assist._ "Hocarina Plier," eyn't arrived, Sir. + +_Auct._ Oh, hasn't it? Very well, then. Lot 15. "_The Pretty +Pill-taker_," by ANTONIO BILIO--a really magnificent work of Art, +Gentlemen. (_"Pill-taker, 'ere!" from the S.A._) What'll you give +me for her? Come, make me an offer. (_Bidding proceeds till the +"Pill-taker" is knocked down for twenty-three-and-a-half guineas._) +Lot 16, "_The Mixture as Before_," by same artist--make a charming +and suitable companion to the last lot. What do you say, Mr. +MIDDLEMAN--take it at the same bidding? (Mr. M. _assents, with the +end of one eyebrow._) Any advance on twenty-three and a 'arf? None? +Then.--MIDDLEMAN, Twenty-four, thirteen, six. + +_Mr. Middleman_ (_to the Amiable Spectator, who has been vaguely +inspecting the "Pill-taker."_) Don't know if you noticed it, Sir, but +I got that last couple very cheap--on'y forty-seven guineas the pair, +and they are worth eighty, I solemnly declare to you. I could get +forty a-piece for 'em to-morrow, upon my word and honour, I could. Ah, +and I know who'd _give_ it me for 'em, too! + +_The A.S._ (_sympathetically_). Dear me, then you've done very well +over it. + +_Mr. M._ Ah, well ain't the word--and those two aren't the only lots +I've got either. That "_Sandwich-Man_" over there is mine--look at +the work in those boards, and the nature in his clay pipe; and "_The +Boot-Black_," that's mine, too--all worth twice what _I_ got 'em +for--and lovely things, too, ain't they? + +_The A.S._ Oh, very nice, very clever--congratulate you, I'm sure. + +_Mr. M._ I can see you've took a fancy to 'em, Sir, and, when I come +across a gentleman that's a connysewer, I'm always sorry to stand +in his light; so, see here, you can have any one you like out o' my +little lot, or all on 'em, with all the pleasure in the wide world, +Sir, and I'll on'y charge you five per cent. on what I gave for 'em. +and be exceedingly obliged to you, into the bargain, Sir. (_The A.S. +feebly disclaims any desire to take advantage of this magnanimous +offer._) Don't say No, if you mean Yes, Sir. Will you _'ave_ the +"_Pill-taker_," Sir? + +_The A.S._ (_politely_). Thank you very much, but--er--I think _not_. + +_Mr. M._ Then perhaps you could do with "_The Little Boot-Black_," or +"_The Sandwich-Man_," Sir? + +_The A.S._ Perhaps--but I could do still better _without_ them. + + [_He moves to another part of the room._ + +_The Obl. Broker_ (_whispering beerily in his ear_). Seen anythink yet +as takes your fancy, Sir; 'cos, if so-- + + [_The A.S. escapes to a dark corner--where he is warmly + welcomed by Mr. MIDDLEMAN._ + +_Mr. M._ _Knew_ you'd think better on it, Sir. Now which is it to +be--the "_Boot-Black_," or "_Mixture as Before_"? + +_Auct._ Now we come to Lot 19. Massive fluted column in coral marble +with revolving-top--a column, Gentlemen, which will speak for itself. + +_The Facetious Bidder_ (_after a scrutiny_). Then it may as well +mention, while it's _about_ it, that it's got a bit out of its back! + +_Auct._ Flaw in the marble, that's all. (_To Assist._) Nothing the +_matter_ with the column, is there? + +_Assist._ (_with reluctant candour_). Well, it _'as_ got a little +chipped, Sir. + +_Auct._ (_easily_). Oh, very well then, we'll sell it "A.F." Very glad +it was found out in time, I'm sure. + + [_Bidding proceeds._ + +_First Dealer to Second_ (_in a husky whisper_). Talkin' o' Old +Masters, I put young 'ANWAY up to a good thing the other day. + +_Second D._ (_without surprise--probably from a knowledge of his +friend's noble, unselfish nature_). Ah--'ow was that? + +_First D._ Well, there was a picter as I 'appened to know could be got +in for a deal under what it ought--in good 'ands, mind yer--to fetch. +It was a Morlan'--leastwise, it was so like you couldn't ha' told +the difference, if you understand my meanin'. (_The other nods with +complete intelligence._) Well, I 'adn't no openin' for it myself just +then, so I sez to young 'ANWAY, "You might do worse than go and 'ave +a _look_ at it," I told him. And I run against him yesterday, Wardour +Street way, and I sez, "Did yer go and _see_ that picter?" "Yes," sez +he, "and what's more, I got it at pretty much my own figger, too!" +"Well," sez I, "and ain't yer goin' to _shake 'ands with me over it_?" + +_Second D._ (_interested_). And _did_ he? + +_First D._ Yes, he did--he beyaved very fair over the matter, I will +say _that_ for him. + +_Second D._ Oh, 'ANWAY's a very decent little feller--_now_. + +_Auct._ (_hopefully_). Now, Gentlemen, this next lot'll tempt you, +_I_'m sure! Lot 33, a magnificent and very finely executed dramatic +group out of the "_Merchant of Venice_," _Othello_ in the act of +smothering _Desdemona_, both nearly life-size. (_Assist., with a +sardonic inflection._ "_Group_ 'ere, _Gen'lm'n!_") What shall we say +for this great work by ROCCOCIPPI, Gentlemen? A hundred guineas, just +to start us? + +_The F.B._ Can't you put the two figgers up separate? + +_Auct._ You know better than that--being a group, Sir. Come, come, +anyone give me a hundred for this magnificent marble group! The figure +of _Othello_ very finely finished, Gentlemen. + +_The F.B._ I should ha' thought it was _her_ who was the finely +finished one of the two. + +_Auct._ (_pained by this levity_). Really, Gentlemen, _do_ 'ave +more appreciation of a 'igh-class work like this!... Twenty-five +guineas?... Nonsense! I can't put it up at that. + + [_Bidding languishes. Lot withdrawn._ + +_Second Disinterested Dealer_ (_to First D.D., in an undertone_). I +wouldn't tell everyone, but I shouldn't like to see _you_ stay 'ere +and waste your time; so, in case you _was_ thinking of waiting for +that last lot, I may just as well mention--[_Whispers._ + +_First D.D._ Ah, it's _that_ way, is it? Much obliged to you for the +'int. But I'd do the same for you any day. + +_Second D.D._ I'm _sure_ yer would! + + [_They watch one another suspiciously._ + +_Auct._ Now 'ere's a tasteful thing, Gentlemen. Lot. 41. "_Nymph +eating Oysters_" ("_Nymph 'ere, Gen'lm'n!_"), by the celebrated +Italian artist VABENE, one of the finest works of Art in this room, +and they're _all_ exceedingly fine works of Art; but this is _truly_ +a work of Art, Gentlemen. What shall we say for her, eh? (_Silence._) +Why, Gentlemen, no more appreciation than _that_? Come, don't be +afraid of it. Make a beginning. (_Bidding starts._) Forty-five +guineas. Forty-six--_pounds_. Forty-six pounds only, this remarkable +specimen of modern Italian Art. Forty-six and a 'arf. Only forty-six +ten bid for it. Give character to any gentleman's collection, a figure +like this would. Forty-seven _pounds_--_guineas_! and a 'arf.... +Forty-seven and a 'arf guineas.... For the last time! Bidding with +you, Sir. Forty-seven guineas and a 'arf--Gone! Name, Sir, if _you_ +please. Oh, money? Very well. Thank you. + +_Proud Purchaser_ (_to Friend, in excuse for his extravagance_). You +see, I must have something for that grotto I've got in the grounds. + +_His Friend_. If she was mine, I should put her in the hall, and have +a gaslight fitted in the oyster-shell. + +_P.P._ (_thoughtfully_). Not a bad idea. But electric light would be +more suitable, and easier to fix too. Yes--we'll see. + +_The Obl. Broker_ (_pursuing the Am. Spect._). I 'ope, Sir, you'll +remember me, next time you're this way. + +_The Am. Spect._ (_who has only ransomed himself by taking over an odd +lot, consisting of imitation marble fruit, a model, under crystal, of +the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and three busts of Italian celebrities of +whom he has never heard_). I'm afraid I shan't have very much chance +of forgetting you. _Good_ afternoon! + + [_Exit hurriedly, dropping the fruit, as Scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS. + +_Fond Parent_ (_to Professional Lady_). "TELL ME, MISS LE VAVASOUR, +DID MY SON ACQUIT HIMSELF CREDITABLY AT THIS AFTERNOON'S REHEARSAL?" + +_Miss Le Vavasour_. "WELL, MY LORD,--IF YOUR SON ONLY ACTS THE LOVER +ON THE STAGE HALF AS ENERGETICALLY AS HE DOES IN THE GREEN-ROOM, THE +PIECE WILL BE A SUCCESS!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM OUR MUSIC HALL. + +I had a fine performance at my little place last week. Gave the +_Elijah_ with a chorus whose vigorous delivery and precision were +excellent, and except for uncertain intonation of _soprani_ in first +chorus, I think though perhaps I say it who shouldn't, I never heard +better chorussing within my walls. Madame SCHMIDT-KOEHNE has a good +voice, but I can't say I approve of her German method, nor do I +like embellishments of text, even when they can be justified. The +_contralto_, Madame SVIATLOVSKY (O Heavenly name that ends in _sky_!) +is not what I should have expected, coming to us with such a name. +Perhaps not heard to advantage: perhaps 'vantage to me if I hadn't +heard her. But Miss SARAH BERRY brought down the house just as SAMSON +did, and we were Berry'd all alive, O, and applauding beautifully. +_Brava_, Miss SARAH BERRY! + +"As we are hearing _Elijah_," says Mr. Corner Man, "may I ask you, +Sir, what Queen in Scripture History this young lady reminds me of?" +Of course I reply, "I give it up, Sir." Whereupon he answers, "She +reminds me, Sir, of the Queen who was BERENICE--'Berry-Nicey'--see?" + +Number next in the books. Mr. WATKIN MILLS was dignified and +impressive as _Elijah_; but, while admitting the excellence of this +profit, we can't forget our loss in the absence of Mr. SANTLEY. +BEN MIO DAVIES sang the tenor music, but apologised for having +unfortunately got a pony on the event,--that is, he had got a little +hoarse during the day. "BEN MIO" is--um--rather _troppo operatico_ for +the oratorio. Mr. BARNBY bravely batoned, as usual. Bravo, BARNBY! He +goes on with the work because he likes it. Did he not, he would say +with the _General Bombastes_-- + + "Give o'er! give o'er! + For I will baton on this tune no more." + +Perhaps the quotation is not quite exact, but no matter, all's well +that ends well, as everyone said as they left. + + Yours truly, + ALBERT HALL. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. VII.--A BUCCANEER'S BLOOD-BATH. + +BY L.S. DEEVENSON, AUTHOR OF "_TOLDON DRYLAND_," "_THE WHITE +HETON_," "_WENTNAP_," "_AMISS WITH A CANDLETRAY_," "_AN OUTLANDISH +TRIP_," "_A TRAVELLED DONKEY_," "_A QUEER FALL ON A TREACLE SLIDE_," +"_THE OLD PERSIAN BARONETS_," &C., &C., &C. + + [For some weeks before this Novel actually arrived, we + received by every post an immense consignment of paragraphs, + notices, and newspaper cuttings, all referring to it in + glowing terms. "This" observed the _Bi-weekly Boomer_, "is, + perhaps, the most brilliant effort of the brilliant and + versatile Author's genius. Humour and pathos are inextricably + blended in it. He sweeps with confident finger over the whole + gamut of human emotions, and moves us equally to terror and + to pity. Of the style, it is sufficient to say that it is Mr. + DEEVENSON's." The MS. of the Novel itself came in a wrapper + bearing the Samoan post-mark.--ED. _Punch_.] + +CHAPTER I. + +I am a man stricken in years, and-well-nigh spent with labour, yet it +behoves that, for the public good, I should take pen in hand, and set +down the truth of those matters wherein I played a part. And, indeed, +it may befall that, when the tale is put forth in print, the public +may find it to their liking, and buy it with no sparing hand, so that, +at the last, the payment shall be worthy of the labourer. + +[Illustration] + +I have never been gifted with what pedants miscall courage. That +extreme rashness of the temper which drives fools to their destruction +hath no place in my disposition. A shrinking meekness under +provocation, and a commendable absence of body whenever blows fell +thick, seemed always to me to be the better part. And for this I +have boldly endured many taunts. Yet it so chanced that in my life I +fell in with many to whom the cutting of throats was but a moment's +diversion. Nay, more, in most of their astounding ventures I shared +with them; I made one upon their reckless forays; I was forced, sorely +against my will, to accompany them upon their stormy voyages, and to +endure with them their dangers; and there does not live one man, since +all of them are dead, and I alone survive, so well able as myself +to narrate these matters faithfully within the compass of a single +five-shilling volume. + +CHAPTER II. + +On a December evening of the year 17--, ten men sat together in the +parlour of "The Haunted Man." Without, upon the desolate moorland, a +windless stricture of frost had bound the air as though in boards, but +within, the tongues were loosened, and the talk flowed merrily, and +the clink of steaming tumblers filled the room. Dr. DEADEYE sat with +the rest at the long deal table, puffing mightily at the brown old +Broseley church-warden, whom the heat and the comfort of his evening +meal had so far conquered, that he resented the doctor's treatment of +him only by an occasional splutter. For myself, I sat where the warmth +of the cheerful fire could reach my chilled toes, close by the side +of the good doctor. I was a mere lad, and even now, as I search in my +memory for these long-forgotten scenes, I am prone to marvel at my +own heedlessness in thus affronting these lawless men. But, indeed, I +knew them not to be lawless, or I doubt not but that my prudence had +counselled me to withdraw ere the events befell which I am now about +to narrate. + +As I remember, the Doctor and Captain JAWKINS were seated opposite to +one another, and, as their wont was, they were in high debate upon +a question of navigation, on which the Doctor held and expressed an +emphatic opinion. + +"Never tell me," he said, with flaming aspect, "that the common +term, 'Port your helm,' implies aught but what a man, not otherwise +foolish, would gather from the word. Port means port, and starboard is +starboard, and all the d----d sea-captains in the world cannot move +me from that." With that the Doctor beat his fist upon the table until +the glasses rattled again and glared into the Captain's weather-beaten +face.[1] + +"Hear the man," said the Captain--"hear him. A man would think he had +spent his days and nights upon the sea, instead of mixing pills and +powders all his life in a snuffy village dispensary." + +The quarrel seemed like to be fierce, when a sudden sound struck upon +our ears, and stopped all tongues. I cannot call it a song. Rather, +it was like the moon-struck wailing of some unhappy dog, low, and +unearthly; and yet not that, either, for there were words to it. That +much we all heard distinctly. + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four, + Two for his heels, and that makes six." + +We listened, awestruck, with blanched faces, scarce daring to look at +one another. For myself, I am bold to confess that I crept under the +sheltering table and hid my head in my hands. Again the mournful notes +were moaned forth-- + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four, + Two for his heels, and--" + +But ere it was ended, Captain JAWKINS had sprung forward, and rushed +into the further corner of the parlour. "I know that voice," he cried +aloud; "I know it amid a thousand!" And even as he spoke, a strange +light dispelled the shadows, and by its rays we could see the +crouching form of BILL BLUENOSE, with the red seam across his face +where the devil had long since done his work. + +CHAPTER III. + +I had forgot to say that, as he ran, the Captain had drawn his sword. +In the confusion which followed on the discovery of BLUENOSE, I could +not rightly tell how each thing fell out; indeed, from where I lay, +with the men crowding together in front of me, to see at all was no +easy matter. But this I saw clearly. The Captain stood in the corner, +his blade raised to strike. BLUENOSE never stirred, but his breath +came and went, and his eyelids blinked strangely, like the flutter of +a sere leaf against the wall. There came a roar of voices, and, in the +tumult, the Captain's sword flashed quickly, and fell. Then, with a +broken cry like a sheep's bleat, the great seamed face fell separate +from the body, and a fountain of blood rose into the air from the +severed neck, and splashed heavily upon the sanded floor of the +parlour. + +"Man, man!" cried the Doctor, angrily, "what have ye done? Ye've kilt +BLUENOSE, and with him goes our chance of the treasure. But, maybe, +it's not yet too late." + +So saying, he plucked the head from the floor and clapped it again +upon its shoulders. Then, drawing a long stick of sealing-wax from +his pocket, he held it well before the Captain's ruddy face. The wax +splattered and melted. The Doctor applied it to the cut with deft +fingers, and with a strange condescension of manner in one so proud. +My heart beat like a bird's, both quick and little; and on a sudden +BLUENOSE raised his dripping hands, and in a quavering kind of voice +piped out-- + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four." + +But we had heard too much, and the next moment we were speeding with +terror at our backs across the desert moorland. + +CHAPTER IV. + +You are to remember that when the events I have narrated befell I +was but a lad, and had a lad's horror of that which smacked of the +supernatural. As we ran, I must have fallen in a swoon, for I remember +nothing more until I found myself walking with trembling feet through +the policies of the ancient mansion of Dearodear. By my side strode +a young nobleman, whom I straightway recognised as the Master. His +gallant bearing and handsome face served but to conceal the black +heart that beat within his breast. He gazed at me with a curious look +in his eyes. + +"SQUARETOES, SQUARETOES," said he--it was thus he had named me, and +by that I knew that we were in Scotland, and that my name was become +MACKELLAR--"I have a mind to end your prying and your lectures here +where we stand." + +"End it," said I, with a boldness which seemed strange to me even as +I spoke; "end it, and where will you be? A penniless beggar and an +outcast." + +"The old fool speaks truly," he continued, kicking me twice violently +in the back, but otherwise ignoring my presence; "and if I end him, +who shall tell the story? Nay, SQUARETOES, let us make a compact. I +will play the villain, and brawl, and cheat, and murder; you shall +take notes of my actions, and, after I have died dramatically in a +North American forest, you shall set up a stone to my memory, and +publish the story. What say you? Your hand upon it." + +Such was the fascination of the man that even then I could not +withstand him. Moreover, the measure of his misdeeds was not yet full. +My caution prevailed, and I gave him my hand. + +"Done!" said he; "and a very good bargain for you, SQUARETOES!" + +Let the public, then, judge between me and the Master, since of his +house not one remains, and I alone may write the tale. + +(To be continued.--Author.) THE END.--Ed. _Punch_. + +[Footnote 1: _Editor to Author_: "How did the glasses manage to glare? +It seems an odd proceeding for a glass. Answer paid." + +_Author to Editor_: "Don't be a fool. I meant the Doctor--not the +glasses."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Children of the Castle_, by Mrs. MOLESWORTH (published by +MACMILLAN), will certainly be a favourite with the children in the +house. A quaintly pretty story of child life and fairies, such as +she can write so well, it is valuably assisted with Illustrations by +WALTER CRANE. + +[Illustration] + +GEORGE ROUTLEDGE evidently means to catch the youthful book-worm's eye +by the brilliancy of his bindings, but the attraction will not stay +there long, for the contents are equal to the covers. + +These are days of reminiscences, so _"Bob," the Spotted Terrier_, +writes his own tale, or, wags it. Illustrations by HARRISON WEIR. And +here for the tiny ones, bless 'em, is _The House that Jack Built_,--a +paper book in actually the very shape of the house he built! And then +there's the melancholy but moral tale of _Froggy would a-Wooing Go_. +"Recommended," says the Baron. + +Published by DEAN AND SON, who should call their publishing +establishment "The Deanery," is _The Doyle Fairy Book_, a splendid +collection of regular fairy lore; and the Illustrations are by RICHARD +DOYLE, which needs nothing more. + +_The Mistletoe Bough_, edited by M.E. BRADDON, is not only very strong +to send forth so many sprigs, but it is a curious branch, as from +each sprig hangs a tale. The first, by the Editor and Authoress, _His +Oldest Friends_, is excellent. + +_Flowers of The Hunt_, by FINCH MASON, published by Messrs. FORES. +Rather too spring-like a title for a sporting book, as it suggests +hunting for flowers. Sketchy and amusing. + +HACHETTE AND CIE, getting ahead of Christmas, and neck and neck with +the New Year, issue a _Nouveau Calendrier Perpeteul_, "_Les Amis +Fideles_," representing three poodles, the first of which carries +in his mouth the day of the week, the second the day of the month, +and the third the name of the month. This design is quaint, and if +not absolutely original, is new in the combination and application. +Unfortunately it only suggests one period of the year, the dog-days, +but in 1892 this can be improved upon, and amplified. + +No nursery would be complete without a _Chatterbox_, and, as a reward +to keep him quiet, _The Prize_ would come in useful. WELLS, DARTON, & +GARDNER, can supply both of them. + +F. WARNE has another Birthday-book, _Fortune's Mirror, Set in Gems_, +by M. HALFORD, with Illustrations by KATE CRAUFORD. A novel idea of +setting the mirror in the binding; but, to find your fortune, you must +look inside, and then you will see what gem ought to be worn in the +month of your birth. + +WILLERT BEALE's _Light of Other Days_ is most interesting to those +who, like the Baron, remember the latter days of GRISI and MARIO, +who can call to mind MARIO in _Les Huguenots_, in _Trovatore_, in +_Rigoletto_; and GRISI in _Norma_, _Valentina_, _Fides_, _Lucrezia_, +and some others. It seems to me that the centre of attraction in these +two volumes is the history of MARIO and GRISI on and off the stage; +and the gem of all is the simple narrative of Mrs. GODFREY PEARSE, +their daughter, which M. WILLERT BEALE has had the good taste to give +_verbatim_, with few notes or comments. To think that only twenty +years ago we lost GRISI, and that only nine years ago MARIO died in +Rome! Peace to them both! In Art they were a glorious couple, and in +their death our thoughts cannot divide them. GRISI and MARIO, Queen +and King of song, inseparable. I have never looked upon their like +again, and probably never shall. My tribute to their memory is, to +advise all those to whom their memory is dear, and those to whom their +memory is but a tradition, to read these Reminiscences, of them and +of others, by WILLERT BEALE, in order to learn all they can about +this romantic couple, who, caring little for money, and everything +for their art, were united in life, in love, in work, and, let +us, _peccatores_, humbly hope, in death. WILLERT BEALE has, in his +Reminiscences, given us a greater romance of real life than will be +found in twenty volumes of novels, by the most eminent authors. Yet +all so naturally and so simply told. At least so, with moist eyes, +says your tender-hearted critic, + +THE SYMPATHETIC BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +WIGS AND RADICALS. + + ["As a protest against the acceptance by the Corporation of + Sunderland of robes, wigs, and cocked hats, for the Mayor and + Town Clerk, Mr. STOREY, M.P., has sent in his resignation of + the office of Alderman of that body."--_Daily Paper_.] + +_Brutus_. Tell us what has chanced to-day, that STOREY looks so sad. + +_Casca_. Why, there was a wig and a cocked hat offered him, and he +put it away with the back of his hand, thus; and then the Sunderland +Radicals fell a-shouting. + +_Brutus_. What was the second noise for? + +_Casca_. Why, for that too. + +_Brutus_. They shouted thrice--what was the last cry for? + +_Casca_. Why, for that too--not to mention a municipal robe. + +_Brutus_. Was the wig, &c, offered him thrice? + +_Casca_. Ay, marry, was it, and he put the things by thrice, every +time more savagely than before. + +_Brutus_. Who offered him the wig? + +_Casca_. Why, the Sunderland Municipality, of course--stoopid! + +_Brutus_. Tell us the manner of it, gentle CASCA. + +_Casca_. I can as well be hanged, as tell you. It was mere foolery, I +did not mark it. I saw the people offer a cocked hat to him--yet 'twas +not to him neither, because he's only an Alderman, 'twas to the Mayor +and Town Clerk--and, as I told you, he put the things by thrice; +yet, to my thinking, had he been Mayor, he would fain have had them. +And the rabblement, of course, cheered such an exhibition of stern +Radical simplicity, and STOREY called the wig a bauble, though, to +my thinking, there's not much bauble about it, and the cocked-hat +he called a mediaeval intrusion, though, to my thinking, there were +precious few cocked-hats in the Middle Ages. Then he said he would no +more serve as Alderman; and the Mayor and the Town Clerk cried--"Alas, +good soul!"--and accepted his resignation with all their hearts. + +_Brutus_. Then will not the Sunderland Town Hall miss him? + +_Casca_. Not it, as I am a true man! There'll be a STOREY the less on +it, that's all. Farewell! + + * * * * * + +"NOT THERE, NOT THERE, MY CHILD!" + +By some misadventure I was unable to attend the pianoforte recital +of Paddy REWSKI, the player from Irish Poland at the St. James's Hall +last Wednesday. Everybody much pleased, I'm told. Glad to hear it. I +was "Not there, not there, my child!" But audience gratified-- + + "And Stalldom shrieked when Paddy REWSKI played," + +as the Poet says, or something like it. I hear he made a hit. The +papers say he did, and if he didn't it's another thumper, that's all. + + * * * * * + +"SO NO MAYER AT PRESENT FROM YOURS TRULY THE ENTREPRENEUR OF THE +FRENCH PLAYS, ST. JAMES'S THEATRE."--It is hard on the indefatigable +M. MAYER, but when Englishmen can so easily cross the Channel, and so +willingly brave the _mal-de-mer_ for the sake of a week in Paris, it +is not likely that they will patronise French theatricals in London, +even for their own linguistic and artistic improvement, or solely for +the benefit of the deserving and enterprising M. MAYER. Even if it +be _mal-de-mer_ against _bien de Mayer_, an English admirer of French +acting would risk the former to get a week in Paris. We are sorry 'tis +so, but so 'tis. + + * * * * * + +"THE MAGAZINE RIFLE."--Is this invention patented by the Editor of +_The Review of Reviews_? Good title for the Staff of that Magazine, +"The Magazine Rifle Corps." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNNECESSARY CANDOUR. + +_Critic_. "BY JOVE, HOW ONE CHANGES! I'VE QUITE CEASED TO ADMIRE THE +KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO THINK SO CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO; AND _VICE +VERSA_!" + +_Pictor_. "THAT'S AS IT _SHOULD_ BE! IT SHOWS PROGRESS, DEVELOPMENT! +IT'S AN UNMISTAKABLE PROOF THAT YOU'VE REACHED A HIGHER INTELLECTUAL +AND ARTISTIC LEVEL, A MORE ADVANCED STAGE OF CULTURE, A LOFTIER--" + +_Critic_. "I'M GLAD YOU THINK SO, OLD MAN. BUT, CONFOUND IT, YOU +KNOW!--THE KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO THINK SO CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO, +HAPPENS TO BE _YOURS_!"] + + * * * * * + +BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD. + + The Appeal's to Justice! Justice lendeth ear + Unstirred by favour, unseduced by fear; + And they who Justice love must check the thrill + Of natural shame, and listen, and be still. + These wrangling tales of horror shake the heart + With pitiful disgust. Oh, glorious part + For British manhood, much bepraised, to play + In that dark land late touched by culture's day! + Are these our Heroes pictured each by each? + We fondly deemed that where our English speech + Sounded, there English hearts, of mould humane. + Justice would strengthen, cruelty restrain. + And is it all a figment of false pride? + _Such_ horrors do our vaunting annals hide + Beneath a world of words, like flowers that wave + In tropic swamps o'er a malarious grave? + + These are the questions which perforce intrude + As the long tale of horror coarse and crude, + Rolls out its sickening chapters one by one. + What will the verdict be when all is done? + Conflicting counsels in loud chorus rise, + "Hush the thing up!" the knowing cynic cries, + "Arm not our chuckling enemies at gaze + With charnel dust to foul our brightest bays! + Let the dead past bury its tainted dead, + Lest aliens at our 'heroes' wag the head." + "Shocking! wails out the sentimentalist. + Believe no tale unpleasant, scorn to list + To slanderous charges on the British name! + That brutish baseness, or that sordid shame + Can touch 'our gallant fellows,' is a thing + Incredible. Do not our poets sing, + Our pressmen praise in dithyrambic prose, + The 'lads' who win our worlds and face our foes? + Who never, save to human pity, yield + One step in wilderness or battlefield!" + + Meanwhile, with troubled eyes and straining hands, + Silent, attentive, thoughtful, Justice stands. + To her alone let the appeal be made. + Heroes, or merely tools of huckstering Trade, + Men brave, though fallible, or sordid brutes, + Let all be heard. Since each to each imputes + Unmeasured baseness, _somewhere_ the black stain + Must surely rest. The dead speak not, the slain + Have not a voice, save such as that which spoke + From ABEL's blood. Green laurels, or the stroke + Of shame's swift scourge? There's the alternative + Before the lifted eyes of those who live. + One fain would see the grass unstained that waves + In the dark Afric waste o'er those two graves. + To Justice the protagonist makes appeal. + Justice would wish him smirchless as her steel, + But stands with steadfast eyes and unbowed head + Silent--betwixt the Living and the Dead! + + * * * * * + +OPERA NOTES. + +What's a Drama without a Moral, and what's _Rigoletto_ without a +MAUREL, who was cast for the part, but who was too indisposed to +appear? So Signor GALASSI came and "played the fool" instead, much to +the satisfaction of all concerned, and all were very much concerned +about the illness or indisposition of M. MAUREL. DIMITRESCO not +particularly strong as the _Dook_; but Mlle. STROMFELD came out well +as _Gilda_, and, being called, came out in excellent form in front of +the Curtain. Signor BEVIGNANI, beating time in Orchestra, and time all +the better for his beating. + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF MUCH THANKS."--The difficulties in The City, which +_Mr. Punch_ represented in his Cartoon of November 8, were by the +_Times_ of last Saturday publicly acknowledged to be at an end. The +adventurous mariners were luckily able to rest on the Bank, and are +now once more fairly started. They will bear in mind the warning of +the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street, as given to the boys in the above +mentioned Cartoon. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.] + + * * * * * + +AVENUE HUNCHBACK. + +Of course there is nothing very new in the idea of a cripple loving a +beautiful maiden, while the beautiful maiden bestows her affections +on somebody else. SHERIDAN KNOWLES's Hunchback, _Master Walter_, is an +exception to Hunchbacks generally, as he turns out to be the father, +not the lover, of the leading lady. It has remained for Mr. CARTON +to give us in an original three-act play a deformed hero, who has to +sacrifice love to duty, or, rather, to let self-abnegation triumph +over the gratification of self. This self-sacrificing part is +admirably played by Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, whose simple make-up for the +character is irreproachable. That something more can still be made by +him of the scene of his great temptation I feel sure, and if he does +this he will have developed several full leaves from his already +budding laurels, and, which is presently important, he will have added +another 100 nights to the run. + +[Illustration: Mr. Punch applauding Master Walter George Desmarets.] + +_Maud_ (_without_ the final "_e_") capitally played by Miss MAUDE +(_with_ the final "E") MILLETT. (Why didn't the author choose another +name when this character was cast to Miss MILLETT? Not surely for the +sake of someone saying, "Come into the garden"--eh? And the author has +already indulged his pungent humour by giving "_George_" _Addis_ to +"GEORGE" ALEXANDER. Mistake.) This character of _Maud_ is a sketch of +an utterly odious girl,--odious, that is, at home, but fascinating no +doubt, away from the domestic circle. Is a sketch of such a character +worth the setting? How one pities the future Bamfield _menage_, when +the unfortunate idiot _Bamfield_, well represented by Mr. BEN WEBSTER, +has married this flirting, flighty, sharp-tongued, selfish little +girl. To these two are given some good, light, and bright comedy +scenes, recalling to the mind of the middle-aged playgoer the palmy +days of what used to be known as the Robertsonian "Tea-cup-and-saucer +Comedies," with dialogue, scarcely _fin de siecle_ perhaps, but +pleasant to listen to, when spoken by Miss MAUDE MILLETT, MISS TERRY, +and Mr. BEN WEBSTER. + +[Illustration: Dr. Latimer at the Steak. Historical subject treated in +Act II. of _S. & S._] + +In Miss MARION TERRY's _Helen_, the elder of the Doctor's daughters, +we have a charming type, nor could Mr. NUTCOMBE GOULD's _Dr. Latimer_ +be improved upon as an artistic performance where repose and perfectly +natural demeanour give a certain coherence and solidity to the entire +work. Mr. YORKE STEPHENS as _Mark Denzil_ is too heavy, and his manner +conveys the impression that, at some time or other, he will commit +a crime, such, perhaps, as stealing the money from the Doctor's +desk; or, when this danger is past and he hasn't done it, his still +darkening, melodramatic manner misleads the audience into supposing +that in Act III, he will make away with his objectionable wife, +possess himself of the two hundred pounds, and then, just at the +moment when, with a darkling scowl and a gleaming eye, he steps +forward to claim his affianced bride, _Scollick_, Mr. ALFRED HOLLES, +hitherto only known as the drunken gardener, will throw off his +disguise, and, to a burst of applause from an excited audience, will +say, "I arrest you for murder and robbery! and--I am HAWKSHAW the +Detective!!!" or words to this effect. In his impersonation of _Mark +Denzil_ Mr. STEPHENS seems to have attempted an imitation of the light +and airy style of Mr. ARTHUR STIRLING. + +[Illustration: "The Shadow," but more like the substance. Collapse +of Mr. Yorke Stephens into the arms of Miss Marrying Terry, on +hearing the Shadow exclaim, "Yorke (Stephens), you're wanted!"] + +The end of the Second Act is, to my thinking, a mistake in dramatic +art. Everyone of the audience knows that the woman who has stolen +the money is _Mark Denzil's_ wife, and nobody requires from _Denzil_ +himself oral confirmation of the fact, much less do they want an +interval of several minutes,--it may be only seconds, but it seems +minutes,--before the Curtain descends, occupied only by _Mark Denzil_ +imploring that his wife shall not be taken before the magistrate +and be charged with theft. This is an anti-climax, weakening an +otherwise effective situation, as the immediate result of this scene +could easily be given in a couple of sentences of dialogue at the +commencement of the last Act. It is this fault, far more than the +unpruned passages of dialogue, that makes this interesting and well +acted play _seem_ too long--at least, such is the honest opinion of A +FRIEND IN FRONT. + + * * * * * + +THE BURDEN OF BACILLUS. + + Is there no one to protect us, is existence then a sin, + That we're worried here in London and in Paris and Berlin? + We would live at peace with all men, but "Destroy them!" is the cry, + Physiological assassins are not happy till we die. + With the rights of man acknowledged, can you wonder that we squirm + At the endless persecution of the much-maltreated germ. + + We are ta'en from home and hearthstone, from the newly-wedded bride, + To be looked at by cold optics on a microscopic slide; + We are boiled and stewed together, and they never think it hurts; + We're injected into rabbits by those hypodermic squirts: + Never safe, although so very insignificant in size, + There's no peace for poor Bacillus, so it seems, until he dies. + + It is strange to think how men lived in the days of long ago, + When the fact of our existence they had never chanced to know. + If the scientific ghouls are right who hunt us to the death, + Those who came before them surely had expired ere they drew breath: + We were there in those old ages, thriving in our youthful bloom; + Then there was no KOCH or PASTEUR bent on compassing our doom. + + Men humanity are preaching, and philanthropists elate + Point out he who injures horses shall be punished by the State; + Dogs are carefully protected, likewise the domestic cats, + Possibly kind-hearted people would not draw the line at rats: + If all that be right and proper, why then persecute and kill us? + Lo! the age's foremost martyr is the vilified Bacillus! + + * * * * * + +WALK UP! + +As far as Vigo Street, and see Mr. NETTLESHIP's Wild Beast Show at +the sign of "The Rembrandt Head." Here are Wild Animals to be seen +done from the life, and to the life; tawny lions, sleepy bears, +flapping vultures, and eagles, and brilliant macaws--all in excellent +condition. Observe the "Lion roaring" at No. 28, and the "Ibis flying" +with the sunlight on his big white wings against a deep blue sky, No. +36. All these Wild Animals can be safely guaranteed as pleasant and +agreeable companions to live with, and so, judging from certain labels +on the frames, the British picture-buyer has already discovered. Poor +Mr. NETTLESHIP's Menagerie will return to him shorn of its finest +specimens--that is, if he ever sees any of them back at all. + + * * * * * + +IN OUR GARDEN. + +[Illustration] + +It has occurred to me in looking back over these unpremeditated notes, +that if by any chance they came to be published, the public might gain +the impression that the Member for SARK and I did all the work of the +Garden, whilst our hired man looked on. SARK, to whom I have put the +case, says that is precisely it. But I do not agree with him. We have, +as I have already explained, undertaken this new responsibility from +a desire to preserve health and strength useful to our QUEEN and +Country. Therefore we, as ARPACHSHAD says, potter about the Garden, +get in each other's way, and in his; that is to say, we are out +working pretty well all day, with inadequate intervals for meals. + +ARPACHSHAD, to do him justice, is most anxious not to interfere with +our project by unduly taking labour on himself. When we are shifting +earth, and as we shift it backwards and forwards there is a good deal +to be done in that way, he is quite content to walk by the side, or in +front of the barrow, whilst SARK wheels it, and I walk behind, picking +up any bits that have shaken out of the vehicle. (Earth trodden into +the gravel-walk would militate against its efficiency.) But of course +ARPACHSHAD is, in the terms of his contract, "a working gardener," and +I see that he works. + +At the same time it must be admitted that he does not display any +eagerness in engaging himself, nor does he rapidly and energetically +carry out little tasks which are set him. There are, for example, +the sods about the trees in the orchard. He says it's very bad for +the trees to have the sods close up to their trunks. There should be +a small space of open ground. ARPACHSHAD thought that perhaps "the +gents," as he calls us, would enjoy digging a clear space round the +trees. We thought we would, and set to work. But SARK having woefully +hacked the stem of a young apple-tree (_Lord Suffield_) and I having +laboriously and carefully cut away the entire network of the roots of +a damson-tree, under the impression that it was a weed, it was decided +that ARPACHSHAD had better do this skilled labour. We will attain to +it by-and-by. + +ARPACHSHAD has now been engaged on the work for a fortnight, and I +think it will carry him on into the spring. The way he walks round the +harmless apple-tree before cautiously putting in the spade, is very +impressive. Having dug three exceedingly small sods, he packs them in +a basket, and then, with a great sigh, heaves it on to his shoulder, +and walks off to store the sods by the potting-shed. Anything more +solemn than his walk, more depressing than his mien, has not been seen +outside a churchyard. If he were burying the child of his old age, +he could not look more cut up. SARK, who, probably owing to personal +associations, is beginning to develop some sense of humour, walked by +the side of him this morning whistling "_The Dead March in Saul_." + +The effect was unexpected and embarrassing. ARPACHSHAD slowly +relieved himself of the burden of the three sods, dropped them on +the ground with a disproportionate thud, and, producing a large +pocket-handkerchief, whose variegated and brilliant colours were, +happily, dimmed by a month's use, mopped his eyes. + +"You'll excuse _me_, gents," he snuffled, "but I never hear that there +tune, '_Rule Britanny_,' whistled or sung but I think of the time when +I went down to see my son off from Portsmouth for the Crimee, '_Rule +Britanny_' was the tune they played when he walked proudly aboard. He +was in all the battles, Almy, Inkerman, Ballyklaver, Seringapatam, and +Sebastopol." + +"And was he killed?" asked the Member for SARK, making as though he +would help ARPACHSHAD with the basket on to his shoulder again. + +"No," said ARPACHSHAD, overlooking the attention--"he lived to come +home; and last week he rode in the Lord Mayor's coach through the +streets of London, with all his medals on. Five shillings for the +day, and a good blow-out, presided over by Mr. AUGUSTIN HARRIS, in +his Sheriff's Cloak and Chain at the 'Plough-and-Thunder,' in the +Barbican." + +HARTINGTON came down to see us to-day. Mentioned ARPACHSHAD, and his +natural indisposition to hurry himself. + +"Why should he?" asked HARTINGTON, yawning, as he leaned over the +fence. "What's the use, as Whosthis says, of ever climbing up the +climbing wave? I can't understand how you fellows go about here with +your shirt-sleeves turned up, bustling along as if you hadn't a +minute to spare. It's just the same in the House; bustle everywhere; +everybody straining and pushing--everybody but me." + +"Well," said SARK, "but you've been up in Scotland, making quite a lot +of speeches. Just as if you were Mr. G. himself." + +"Yes," said HARTINGTON, looking admiringly at ARPACHSHAD, who had +taken off his coat, and was carefully folding it up, preparatory to +overtaking a snail, whose upward march on a peach-tree his keen eye +had noted; "but that wasn't my fault. I was dragged into it against +my will. It came about this way. Months ago, when Mr. G.'s tour was +settled, they said nothing would do but that I must follow him over +the same ground, speech by speech. If it had been to take place in the +next day or two, or in the next week, I would have plumply said No. +But, you see, it was a long way off. No one could say what might not +happen in the interval. If I'd said No, they would have worried me +week after week. If I said Yes, at least I wouldn't be bored on the +matter for a month or two. So I consented, and, when the time came, +I had to put in an appearance. But I mean to cut the whole business. +Shall take a Garden, like you and SARK, only it shall be a place to +lounge in, not to work in. Should like to have a fellow like your +ARPACHSHAD; soothing and comforting to see him going about his work." + +"I suppose you'll take a partner?" I asked. "Hope you'll get one more +satisfactory than SARK has proved." + +HARTINGTON blushed a rosy red at this reference to a partner. Didn't +know he was so sensitive on account of SARK; abruptly changed subject. + +"Fact is, TOBY," he said, "I hate politics; always been dragged into +them by one man or another. First it was BRIGHT; then Mr. G.; now the +MARKISS is always at me, making out that chaos will come if I don't +stick at my place in the House during the Session, and occasionally go +about country making speeches in the recess. Wouldn't mind the House +if seats were more comfortable. Can sleep there pretty well for twenty +minutes before dinner; but nothing to rest your head against; back +falls your head; off goes your hat; and then those Radical fellows +grin. I could stand politics better if Front Opposition Bench or +Treasury Bench were constructed on principle of family pews in country +churches. Get a decent quiet corner, and there you are. In any new +Reformed Parliament hope they'll think of it; though it doesn't matter +much to me. I'm going to cut it. Done my share; been abused now all +round the Party circle. Conservatives, Whigs, Liberals, Radicals, +Irish Members, Scotch and Welsh, each alternately have praised and +belaboured me. My old enemies now my closest friends. Old friends +look at me askance. It's a poor business. I never liked it, never had +anything to get out of it, and you'll see presently that I'll give it +up. Don't you suppose, TOBY my boy, that you shall keep the monopoly +of retirement. I'll find a partner, peradventure an ARPACHSHAD, and +we'll all live happily for the rest of our life." + +With his right hand thrust in his trouser-pocket, his left swinging +loosely at his side, and his hat low over his brow, HARTINGTON lounged +off till his tall figure was lost in the gloaming. + +"That's the man for _my_ money," said ARPACHSHAD, looking with growing +discontent at the Member for SARK, who, with the only blade left in +his tortoiseshell-handled penknife, was diligently digging weeds out +of the walk. + + * * * * * + +IN THE CLUB SMOKING-ROOM. + +"Lux Mundi," said somebody, reading aloud the title heading a lengthy +criticism in the _Times_. + +"Don't know so much about that," observed a sporting and superstitious +young man; "but I know that '_Ill luck's Friday_.'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIGHER EDUCATION. + +_Mr. Punch_. "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL, BUT IT'S TOO DULL. LET THEM HAVE A +LITTLE SUNSHINE, OR THEY WILL NEVER FOLLOW YOU."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A POSER. + +_Fair Client_. "I'M ALWAYS PHOTOGRAPHED FROM THE SAME SIDE, BUT I +FORGET WHICH!" + +_Scotch Photographer_ (_reflectively_). "WELL, IT'LL NO BE _THIS_ +SIDE, I'M THINKIN'. MAYBE IT'S T'ITHER!"] + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +Yes, quite so. It's a very good excuse! Whenever I do not turn up when +I am expected, my children say, "Pa's about pictures." It's just the +same as a doctor, when he forgets to keep an appointment, says, "he +has unexpectedly been called out." Yah! _I'd_ call some of 'em out if +I had the chance. I took French leave the other day, and went to the +French Gallery, expecting to see sketches in French chalk, or studies +in French grey. Nothing of the kind! Mr. WALLIS will have his little +joke. The main part of the exhibition is essentially English, and so +I found my Parisian accent was entirely thrown away. If it had only +been Scotch, I could have said something about the "Scots wha hae wi' +WALLIS," but I didn't have even that chance. Too bad, though, the +show is a good one. "English, you know, quite English." Lots of good +landscapes by LEADER, bright, fresh, breezy. Young painters should +"follow their Leader," and they can't go very far wrong. I would +write a leader on the subject, and introduce something about the +land-scape-goat, only I know it would be cut out. Being very busy, +sent Young Par to see Miss CHARLOTTE ROBINSON's Exhibition of Screens. +He behaved badly. Instead of looking at matters in a serious light, he +seemed to look upon the whole affair as a "screening farce," and began +to sing-- + + Here screens of all kinds you may see, + Designed most ar-tist-_tic_-a-lee, + In exquisite va-ri-e-tee, + By clever CHARLOTTE ROBINSON! + They'll screen you from the bitter breeze, + They'll screen you when you take your teas, + They'll screen you when you flirt with shes-- + Delightful CHARLOTTE ROBINSON! + +He then folded his arms, and began to sing, "with my riddle-ol, de +riddle-ol, de ri, de O," danced a hornpipe all over the place, broke +several valuable pieces of furniture, and was removed in charge of the +police. And this is the boy that was to be a comfort to me in my old +age! + +Yours parabolically, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +Novel praise from the _D.T._ for the Lord Mayor's Show, during a pause +for lunch:--"It is so quaint, so bright, so thoroughly un-English." +The Lord Mayor's Show "So Un-English, you know"! Then, indeed have we +arrived at the end of the ancient _al-fresco_ spectacle. + + * * * * * + +IN A HOLE. + +(_BRIEF IMPERIAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN TWO ACTS, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._) + + ["Well, if it comes to fighting, we should be just in + a hole."--_A Linesman's Opinion of the New Rifle, from + Conversation in Daily Paper._] + +ACT I. + + SCENE--_A Public Place in Time of Peace._ + +_Mrs. Britannia_ (_receiving a highly finished and improved newly +constructed scientific weapon from cautious and circumspect Head of +Department_). And so this is the new Magazine Rifle? + +_Head of Department_ (_in a tone of quiet and self-satisfied +triumph_). It is, Madam. + +_Mrs. Britannia_. And I may take your word for it, that it is a weapon +I can with confidence place in the hands of my soldiers. + +_Head of Department_. You may, Madam. Excellent as has been all the +work turned out by the Department I have the honour to represent, I +think I may fairly claim this as our greatest achievement. No less +than nine firms have been employed in its construction, and I am +proud to say that in one of the principal portions of its intricate +mechanism, fully seven-and-thirty different parts, united by +microscopic screws, are employed in the adjustment. But allow me to +explain. [_Does so, giving an elaborate and confusing account of the +construction, showing that, without the greatest care, and strictest +attention to a series of minute precautions on the part of the +soldier, the weapon is likely to get suddenly out of order, and prove +worse than useless in action. This, however, he artfully glides over +in his description, minimising all its possible defects, and finally +insisting that no power in Europe has turned out such a handy, +powerful, and serviceable rifle._ + +_Mrs. Britannia_. Ah, well, I don't profess to understand the +practical working of the weapon. But I have trusted you implicitly +to provide me with a good one, and this being, as you tell me, what I +want, I herewith place it the hands of my Army. (_Presents the rifle +to TOMMY ATKINS._) Here, ATKINS, take your rifle, and I hope you'll +know how to use it. + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a broad grin_). Thank'ee, Ma'am. I hope I shall, +for I shall be in a precious 'ole if I don't. + + [_Flourish of newspaper articles, general congratulatory + chorus on all sides, as Act-drop descends._ + +ACT II. + + _A Battle-field in time of War. Enter TOMMY ATKINS with his + rifle. In the interval, since the close of the last Act, he is + supposed to have been thoroughly instructed in its proper use, + and, though on one or two occasions, owing to disregard of + some trifling precaution, he has found it "jam," still, in the + leisure of the practice-field, he has been generally able to + get it right again, and put it in workable order. He is now + hurrying along in all the excitement of battle, and in face of + the enemy, of whom a batch appear on the horizon in front of + him, when the word is given to "fire."_ + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_endeavours to execute the order, but he finds +something "stuck," and his rifle refuses to go off._) Dang it! What's +the matter with the beastly thing! It's that there bolt that's caught +agin' (_thumps it furiously in his excitement and makes matters +worse._) Dang the blooming thing; I can't make it go. (_Vainly +endeavours to recall some directions, committed in calmer moments, to +memory._) Drop the bolt? No! that ain't it. Loose this 'ere pin (_tugs +frantically at a portion of the mechanism._) 'Ang me if I can make +it go! (_Removes a pin which suddenly releases the magazine_), well, +I've done it now and no mistake. Might as well send one to fight with +a broomstick. (_A shell explodes just behind him._) Well, _I am in +a 'ole_ and no mistake. [_Battle proceeds with results as Act-drop +falls._ + + * * * * * + +OLD FRENCH SAW RE-SET.--FROM _THE STANDARD_, NOVEMBER 14:-- + + "The duel between M. DEROULEDE and M. LAGUERRE occurred + yesterday morning in the neighbourhood of Charleroi, in + Belgium. Four shots were exchanged without any result. On + returning to Charleroi the combatants and their seconds were + arrested." + + "_C'est Laguerre, mais ce n'est pas magnifique._" + + * * * * * + +NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case +be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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