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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12737-0.txt b/12737-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fda6b88 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1377 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12737 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +November 22, 1890. + + + + +[Illustration: DOUBLING THE PART. + +_Mr. S.B. B-ncr-ft, having retired from the Stage, thinks of taking to +the Booth._ "'WHEN THE CUE COMES, CALL ME.' AW!--VERY LIKE HIM--VERY!" + +[One day last week Mr. S.B. BANCROFT wrote to the _Daily Telegraph_, +saying, that so struck was he by "General" BOOTH's scheme for +relieving everybody generally--of course "generally"--that he wished +at once to relieve himself of £1000, if he could only find out +ninety-and-nine other sheep in the wilderness of London to follow his +example, and consent to be shorn of a similar amount. Send your cheque +to 85, Fleet Street, and we'll undertake to use it for the benefit of +most deserving objects.]] + + * * * * * + +A GOOD-NATURED TEMPEST. + +It was stated in the _Echo_ that, during the late storm, a brig +"brought into Dover harbour two men, with their ribs and arms broken +by a squall off Beachy Head. The deck-house and steering-gear were +carried away, and the men taken to Dover Hospital." Who shall say, +after this, that storms do not temper severity with kindness? This +particular one, it is true, broke some ribs and arms, and carried away +portions of a brig, but, in the very act of doing this, it took the +sufferers, and laid them, apparently, on the steps of Dover Hospital. +If we must have storms, may they all imitate this motherly example. + + * * * * * + +"WHAT A WONDERFUL BO-OY!"--In the _Head-Master's Guide_ for November, +in the list of applicants for Masterships, appears a gentleman who +offers to teach Mathematics, Euclid, Arithmetic, Algebra, Natural +Science, History, Geography, Book-keeping, French Grammar, Freehand, +and Perspective Drawing, the Piano, the Organ, and the Harmonium, and +Singing, for the modest salary of £20 a-year without a residence! But +it is only just to add; that this person seems to be of marvellous +origin, for although he admits extreme youth (he says he is _only +three years of age!_) he boasts ten years of experience! _O si sic +omnes_! So wise, so young, so cheap! + + * * * * * + +If spectacular effects are worth remembering, then Sheriff DRURIOLANUS +ought to be a member of the Spectacle-makers' Company. + + * * * * * + +ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND. + +(_ON THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER._) + + ["Our difficulties are such as these--that America has + instituted a vast system of prohibitive tariffs, mainly, + I believe, because ... American pigs do not receive proper + treatment at the hands of Europe.... If we have any difficulty + with our good neighbours in France, it is because of + that unintelligent animal the lobster; and if we have any + difficulty with our good neighbours in America, it is because + of that not very much nobler animal, the seal."--_Lord + Salisbury at the Mansion House_.] + +The Real Turtle sang this, very slowly, and sadly:-- + + "We are getting quite important," said the Porker to the Seal, + "For we're 'European Questions,' as a Premier seems to feel. + See the 'unintelligent' Lobster, even he, makes an advance! + Oh, we lead the Politicians of the earth a pretty dance. + Will you, won't you, Yankee Doodle, England, and gay France. + Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, let _us_ lead the dance? + + "You can really have no notion how delightful it will be, + When they take _us_ up as matters of the High Diplomacee." + But the Seal replied, "They brain us!" and he gave a look askance + At the goggle-eyed mailed Lobster, who was loved (and boiled) by France. + "Would they, could they, would they, could they, give us half a chance? + Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals all suffer, Commerce to advance!" + + "What matters it how grand we are!" his plated friend replied, + If our destiny is Salad, or the Sausage boiled or fried? + Though we breed strife 'twixt England, and America, and France, + If we're chopped up, or boiled, or brained where is _our_ great advance? + Will you, won't you, will you, won't you chuck away a chance + Of peace in pig-stye, or at sea, to play the game of France?" + +"Thank you, it's a very amusing dance--_to watch_," said ALICE, +feeling very glad that she had not to stand up in it. + +"You may not have lived much under the Sea" (said the Real Turtle) +("I haven't," said ALICE), "and perhaps you were never introduced to +a Lobster--" (ALICE began to say "I once tasted--" but checked herself +hastily, and said, "No, never"),--"So you can have no idea what a +delightful dance a (Diplomatic) Lobster Quadrille is!" + +"I dare say not," said ALICE. + +"Stand up and repeat '_'Tis the Voice of the Premier_,'" said the +Griffin. + +ALICE got up and began to repeat it, but her head was so full of +Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals, that she hardly knew what she was saying, +and the words came very queer indeed:-- + + "'Tis the voice of the Premier; I heard him complain + On the Ninth of November all prophecy's vain. + I _must_ make some sort of a speech, I suppose. + Dear DIZZY (who led the whole world by the nose) + Said the world heard, for once, on this day, 'Truth and Sense' + (_I.e._ neatly phrased Make-believe and Pretence), + But when GLADDY's 'tide' rises, and lost seats abound, + One's voice has a cautious and timorous sound." + +"I've heard this sort of thing so often before," said the Real Turtle; +"but it sounds uncommon nonsense. Go on with the next verse." + +ALICE did not dare disobey, though she felt sure it would all come +wrong, and she went on in a trembling voice:-- + + "I passed by the Session, and marked, by the way, + How the Lion and Eagles would share Af-ri-ca. + How the peoples, at peace, were not shooting with lead, + But bethumping each other with Tariffs instead, + How the Eight Hours' Bill, on which BURNS was so sweet, + Was (like bye-elections) a snare and a cheat; + How the Lobster, the Pig, and the Seal, I would say + At my sixth Lord Mayor's Banquet--" + +"What _is_ the use of repeating all that stuff," the Real Turtle +interrupted, "if you don't explain it as you go on? It's by far the +most confusing thing _I_ ever heard!" + +"Yes, I think you'd better leave off," said the Griffin; and ALICE was +only too glad to do so. + + * * * * * + +GAMES.--It being the season of burglaries, E. WOLF AND SON--("WOLF," +most appropriate name,--but _Wolf and Moon_ would have been still +better than WOLF AND SON)--take the auspicious time to bring out their +new game of "Burglar and Bobbies." On a sort of draught-board, so +that both Burglar and Bobby play "on the square," which is in itself a +novelty. The thief may be caught in thirteen moves. This won't do. We +want him to be caught before he moves at all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEW EDITION OF "ROBA DI 'ROMER.'" + +_With Mr. Punch's sincere congratulations to his Old Friend the New +Judge._] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT A SALE OF HIGH-CLASS SCULPTURE. + + SCENE--An upper floor in a City Warehouse; a low, whitewashed + room, dimly lighted by dusty windows and two gas-burners in + wire cages. Around the walls are ranged several statues of + meek aspect, but securely confined in wooden cases, like a + sort of marble menagerie. In the centre, a labyrinthine grove + of pedestals, surmounted by busts, groups, and statuettes + by modern Italian masters. About these pedestals a small + crowd--consisting of Elderly Merchants on the look out for a + "neat thing in statuary" for the conservatory at Croydon or + Muswell Hill, Young City Men who have dropped in after lunch, + Disinterested Dealers, Upholsterers' Buyers, Obliging Brokers, + and Grubby and Mysterious men--is cautiously circulating. + +_Obliging Broker_ (_to Amiable Spectator, who has come in out +of curiosity, and without the remotest intention of purchasing +sculpture_). _No_ Catlog, Sir? 'Ere, allow me to orfer you +mine--that's _my_ name in pencil on the top of it, Sir; and, if you +_should_ 'appen to see any lot that takes your fancy, you jest ketch +my eye. (_Reassuringly._) I shan't be fur off. Or look 'ere, gimme a +nudge--_I_ shall know what it means. + + [_The A.S. thanks him profusely, and edges away with an + inward vow to avoid his and the Auctioneer's eyes, as he + would those of a basilisk._ + +_Auctioneer_ (_from desk, with the usual perfunctory fervour_). Lot +13, Gentlemen, very charming pair of subjects from child life--"_The +Pricked Finger_" and "_The Scratched Toe_"--by BIMBI. + +_A Stolid Assistant_ (_in shirtsleeves_). Figgers _'ere_, Gen'lm'n! + + [_Languid surge of crowd towards them._ + +_A Facetious Bidder_. Which of 'em's the finger, and which the toe? + +_Auct._ (_coldly_). I should have thought it was easy to identify +by the attitude. Now, Gentlemen, give me a bidding for these very +finely-executed works by BIMBI. Make any offer. What will you give me +for 'em? Both very sweet things, Gentlemen. Shall we say ten guineas? + +_A Grubby Man_. Give yer five. + +_Auct._ (_with grieved resignation_). Very well, start 'em at five. +Any advance on five? (_To_ Assist.) Turn 'em round, to show the back +view. And a 'arf! Six! And a 'arf! Only six and a 'arf bid for this +beautiful pair of figures, done direct from nature by BIMBI. Come, +Gentlemen, come! Seven! Was that _you_, Mr. GRIMES? (_The Grubby Man +admits the soft impeachment._) Seven and a 'arf. Eight! It's _against_ +you. + +_Mr. Grimes_ (_with a supreme effort_). Two-and-six! + + [_Mops his brow with a red cotton handkerchief._ + +_Auct._ (_in a tone of gratitude for the smallest mercies_). +Eight-ten-six. All done at eight-ten-six? Going ... gone! GRIMES, +Eight, ten, six. Take money for 'em. Now we come to a very 'andsome +work by PIFFALINI--"_The Ocarina Player_," one of this great artist's +masterpieces, and an exceedingly choice and high-class work, as you +will all agree directly you see it. (_To Assist._) Now, then, Lot 14, +there--look sharp! + +_Stolid Assist._ "Hocarina Plier," eyn't arrived, Sir. + +_Auct._ Oh, hasn't it? Very well, then. Lot 15. "_The Pretty +Pill-taker_," by ANTONIO BILIO--a really magnificent work of Art, +Gentlemen. (_"Pill-taker, 'ere!" from the S.A._) What'll you give +me for her? Come, make me an offer. (_Bidding proceeds till the +"Pill-taker" is knocked down for twenty-three-and-a-half guineas._) +Lot 16, "_The Mixture as Before_," by same artist--make a charming +and suitable companion to the last lot. What do you say, Mr. +MIDDLEMAN--take it at the same bidding? (Mr. M. _assents, with the +end of one eyebrow._) Any advance on twenty-three and a 'arf? None? +Then.--MIDDLEMAN, Twenty-four, thirteen, six. + +_Mr. Middleman_ (_to the Amiable Spectator, who has been vaguely +inspecting the "Pill-taker."_) Don't know if you noticed it, Sir, but +I got that last couple very cheap--on'y forty-seven guineas the pair, +and they are worth eighty, I solemnly declare to you. I could get +forty a-piece for 'em to-morrow, upon my word and honour, I could. Ah, +and I know who'd _give_ it me for 'em, too! + +_The A.S._ (_sympathetically_). Dear me, then you've done very well +over it. + +_Mr. M._ Ah, well ain't the word--and those two aren't the only lots +I've got either. That "_Sandwich-Man_" over there is mine--look at +the work in those boards, and the nature in his clay pipe; and "_The +Boot-Black_," that's mine, too--all worth twice what _I_ got 'em +for--and lovely things, too, ain't they? + +_The A.S._ Oh, very nice, very clever--congratulate you, I'm sure. + +_Mr. M._ I can see you've took a fancy to 'em, Sir, and, when I come +across a gentleman that's a connysewer, I'm always sorry to stand +in his light; so, see here, you can have any one you like out o' my +little lot, or all on 'em, with all the pleasure in the wide world, +Sir, and I'll on'y charge you five per cent. on what I gave for 'em. +and be exceedingly obliged to you, into the bargain, Sir. (_The A.S. +feebly disclaims any desire to take advantage of this magnanimous +offer._) Don't say No, if you mean Yes, Sir. Will you _'ave_ the +"_Pill-taker_," Sir? + +_The A.S._ (_politely_). Thank you very much, but--er--I think _not_. + +_Mr. M._ Then perhaps you could do with "_The Little Boot-Black_," or +"_The Sandwich-Man_," Sir? + +_The A.S._ Perhaps--but I could do still better _without_ them. + + [_He moves to another part of the room._ + +_The Obl. Broker_ (_whispering beerily in his ear_). Seen anythink yet +as takes your fancy, Sir; 'cos, if so-- + + [_The A.S. escapes to a dark corner--where he is warmly + welcomed by Mr. MIDDLEMAN._ + +_Mr. M._ _Knew_ you'd think better on it, Sir. Now which is it to +be--the "_Boot-Black_," or "_Mixture as Before_"? + +_Auct._ Now we come to Lot 19. Massive fluted column in coral marble +with revolving-top--a column, Gentlemen, which will speak for itself. + +_The Facetious Bidder_ (_after a scrutiny_). Then it may as well +mention, while it's _about_ it, that it's got a bit out of its back! + +_Auct._ Flaw in the marble, that's all. (_To Assist._) Nothing the +_matter_ with the column, is there? + +_Assist._ (_with reluctant candour_). Well, it _'as_ got a little +chipped, Sir. + +_Auct._ (_easily_). Oh, very well then, we'll sell it "A.F." Very glad +it was found out in time, I'm sure. + + [_Bidding proceeds._ + +_First Dealer to Second_ (_in a husky whisper_). Talkin' o' Old +Masters, I put young 'ANWAY up to a good thing the other day. + +_Second D._ (_without surprise--probably from a knowledge of his +friend's noble, unselfish nature_). Ah--'ow was that? + +_First D._ Well, there was a picter as I 'appened to know could be got +in for a deal under what it ought--in good 'ands, mind yer--to fetch. +It was a Morlan'--leastwise, it was so like you couldn't ha' told +the difference, if you understand my meanin'. (_The other nods with +complete intelligence._) Well, I 'adn't no openin' for it myself just +then, so I sez to young 'ANWAY, "You might do worse than go and 'ave +a _look_ at it," I told him. And I run against him yesterday, Wardour +Street way, and I sez, "Did yer go and _see_ that picter?" "Yes," sez +he, "and what's more, I got it at pretty much my own figger, too!" +"Well," sez I, "and ain't yer goin' to _shake 'ands with me over it_?" + +_Second D._ (_interested_). And _did_ he? + +_First D._ Yes, he did--he beyaved very fair over the matter, I will +say _that_ for him. + +_Second D._ Oh, 'ANWAY's a very decent little feller--_now_. + +_Auct._ (_hopefully_). Now, Gentlemen, this next lot'll tempt you, +_I_'m sure! Lot 33, a magnificent and very finely executed dramatic +group out of the "_Merchant of Venice_," _Othello_ in the act of +smothering _Desdemona_, both nearly life-size. (_Assist., with a +sardonic inflection._ "_Group_ 'ere, _Gen'lm'n!_") What shall we say +for this great work by ROCCOCIPPI, Gentlemen? A hundred guineas, just +to start us? + +_The F.B._ Can't you put the two figgers up separate? + +_Auct._ You know better than that--being a group, Sir. Come, come, +anyone give me a hundred for this magnificent marble group! The figure +of _Othello_ very finely finished, Gentlemen. + +_The F.B._ I should ha' thought it was _her_ who was the finely +finished one of the two. + +_Auct._ (_pained by this levity_). Really, Gentlemen, _do_ 'ave +more appreciation of a 'igh-class work like this!... Twenty-five +guineas?... Nonsense! I can't put it up at that. + + [_Bidding languishes. Lot withdrawn._ + +_Second Disinterested Dealer_ (_to First D.D., in an undertone_). I +wouldn't tell everyone, but I shouldn't like to see _you_ stay 'ere +and waste your time; so, in case you _was_ thinking of waiting for +that last lot, I may just as well mention--[_Whispers._ + +_First D.D._ Ah, it's _that_ way, is it? Much obliged to you for the +'int. But I'd do the same for you any day. + +_Second D.D._ I'm _sure_ yer would! + + [_They watch one another suspiciously._ + +_Auct._ Now 'ere's a tasteful thing, Gentlemen. Lot. 41. "_Nymph +eating Oysters_" ("_Nymph 'ere, Gen'lm'n!_"), by the celebrated +Italian artist VABENE, one of the finest works of Art in this room, +and they're _all_ exceedingly fine works of Art; but this is _truly_ +a work of Art, Gentlemen. What shall we say for her, eh? (_Silence._) +Why, Gentlemen, no more appreciation than _that_? Come, don't be +afraid of it. Make a beginning. (_Bidding starts._) Forty-five +guineas. Forty-six--_pounds_. Forty-six pounds only, this remarkable +specimen of modern Italian Art. Forty-six and a 'arf. Only forty-six +ten bid for it. Give character to any gentleman's collection, a figure +like this would. Forty-seven _pounds_--_guineas_! and a 'arf.... +Forty-seven and a 'arf guineas.... For the last time! Bidding with +you, Sir. Forty-seven guineas and a 'arf--Gone! Name, Sir, if _you_ +please. Oh, money? Very well. Thank you. + +_Proud Purchaser_ (_to Friend, in excuse for his extravagance_). You +see, I must have something for that grotto I've got in the grounds. + +_His Friend_. If she was mine, I should put her in the hall, and have +a gaslight fitted in the oyster-shell. + +_P.P._ (_thoughtfully_). Not a bad idea. But electric light would be +more suitable, and easier to fix too. Yes--we'll see. + +_The Obl. Broker_ (_pursuing the Am. Spect._). I 'ope, Sir, you'll +remember me, next time you're this way. + +_The Am. Spect._ (_who has only ransomed himself by taking over an odd +lot, consisting of imitation marble fruit, a model, under crystal, of +the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and three busts of Italian celebrities of +whom he has never heard_). I'm afraid I shan't have very much chance +of forgetting you. _Good_ afternoon! + + [_Exit hurriedly, dropping the fruit, as Scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS. + +_Fond Parent_ (_to Professional Lady_). "TELL ME, MISS LE VAVASOUR, +DID MY SON ACQUIT HIMSELF CREDITABLY AT THIS AFTERNOON'S REHEARSAL?" + +_Miss Le Vavasour_. "WELL, MY LORD,--IF YOUR SON ONLY ACTS THE LOVER +ON THE STAGE HALF AS ENERGETICALLY AS HE DOES IN THE GREEN-ROOM, THE +PIECE WILL BE A SUCCESS!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM OUR MUSIC HALL. + +I had a fine performance at my little place last week. Gave the +_Elijah_ with a chorus whose vigorous delivery and precision were +excellent, and except for uncertain intonation of _soprani_ in first +chorus, I think though perhaps I say it who shouldn't, I never heard +better chorussing within my walls. Madame SCHMIDT-KOEHNE has a good +voice, but I can't say I approve of her German method, nor do I +like embellishments of text, even when they can be justified. The +_contralto_, Madame SVIATLOVSKY (O Heavenly name that ends in _sky_!) +is not what I should have expected, coming to us with such a name. +Perhaps not heard to advantage: perhaps 'vantage to me if I hadn't +heard her. But Miss SARAH BERRY brought down the house just as SAMSON +did, and we were Berry'd all alive, O, and applauding beautifully. +_Brava_, Miss SARAH BERRY! + +"As we are hearing _Elijah_," says Mr. Corner Man, "may I ask you, +Sir, what Queen in Scripture History this young lady reminds me of?" +Of course I reply, "I give it up, Sir." Whereupon he answers, "She +reminds me, Sir, of the Queen who was BERENICÉ--'Berry-Nicey'--see?" + +Number next in the books. Mr. WATKIN MILLS was dignified and +impressive as _Elijah_; but, while admitting the excellence of this +profit, we can't forget our loss in the absence of Mr. SANTLEY. +BEN MIO DAVIES sang the tenor music, but apologised for having +unfortunately got a pony on the event,--that is, he had got a little +hoarse during the day. "BEN MIO" is--um--rather _troppo operatico_ for +the oratorio. Mr. BARNBY bravely bâtoned, as usual. Bravo, BARNBY! He +goes on with the work because he likes it. Did he not, he would say +with the _General Bombastes_-- + + "Give o'er! give o'er! + For I will bâton on this tune no more." + +Perhaps the quotation is not quite exact, but no matter, all's well +that ends well, as everyone said as they left. + + Yours truly, + ALBERT HALL. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. VII.--A BUCCANEER'S BLOOD-BATH. + +BY L.S. DEEVENSON, AUTHOR OF "_TOLDON DRYLAND_," "_THE WHITE +HETON_," "_WENTNAP_," "_AMISS WITH A CANDLETRAY_," "_AN OUTLANDISH +TRIP_," "_A TRAVELLED DONKEY_," "_A QUEER FALL ON A TREACLE SLIDE_," +"_THE OLD PERSIAN BARONETS_," &C., &C., &C. + + [For some weeks before this Novel actually arrived, we + received by every post an immense consignment of paragraphs, + notices, and newspaper cuttings, all referring to it in + glowing terms. "This" observed the _Bi-weekly Boomer_, "is, + perhaps, the most brilliant effort of the brilliant and + versatile Author's genius. Humour and pathos are inextricably + blended in it. He sweeps with confident finger over the whole + gamut of human emotions, and moves us equally to terror and + to pity. Of the style, it is sufficient to say that it is Mr. + DEEVENSON's." The MS. of the Novel itself came in a wrapper + bearing the Samoan post-mark.--ED. _Punch_.] + +CHAPTER I. + +I am a man stricken in years, and-well-nigh spent with labour, yet it +behoves that, for the public good, I should take pen in hand, and set +down the truth of those matters wherein I played a part. And, indeed, +it may befall that, when the tale is put forth in print, the public +may find it to their liking, and buy it with no sparing hand, so that, +at the last, the payment shall be worthy of the labourer. + +[Illustration] + +I have never been gifted with what pedants miscall courage. That +extreme rashness of the temper which drives fools to their destruction +hath no place in my disposition. A shrinking meekness under +provocation, and a commendable absence of body whenever blows fell +thick, seemed always to me to be the better part. And for this I +have boldly endured many taunts. Yet it so chanced that in my life I +fell in with many to whom the cutting of throats was but a moment's +diversion. Nay, more, in most of their astounding ventures I shared +with them; I made one upon their reckless forays; I was forced, sorely +against my will, to accompany them upon their stormy voyages, and to +endure with them their dangers; and there does not live one man, since +all of them are dead, and I alone survive, so well able as myself +to narrate these matters faithfully within the compass of a single +five-shilling volume. + +CHAPTER II. + +On a December evening of the year 17--, ten men sat together in the +parlour of "The Haunted Man." Without, upon the desolate moorland, a +windless stricture of frost had bound the air as though in boards, but +within, the tongues were loosened, and the talk flowed merrily, and +the clink of steaming tumblers filled the room. Dr. DEADEYE sat with +the rest at the long deal table, puffing mightily at the brown old +Broseley church-warden, whom the heat and the comfort of his evening +meal had so far conquered, that he resented the doctor's treatment of +him only by an occasional splutter. For myself, I sat where the warmth +of the cheerful fire could reach my chilled toes, close by the side +of the good doctor. I was a mere lad, and even now, as I search in my +memory for these long-forgotten scenes, I am prone to marvel at my +own heedlessness in thus affronting these lawless men. But, indeed, I +knew them not to be lawless, or I doubt not but that my prudence had +counselled me to withdraw ere the events befell which I am now about +to narrate. + +As I remember, the Doctor and Captain JAWKINS were seated opposite to +one another, and, as their wont was, they were in high debate upon +a question of navigation, on which the Doctor held and expressed an +emphatic opinion. + +"Never tell me," he said, with flaming aspect, "that the common +term, 'Port your helm,' implies aught but what a man, not otherwise +foolish, would gather from the word. Port means port, and starboard is +starboard, and all the d----d sea-captains in the world cannot move +me from that." With that the Doctor beat his fist upon the table until +the glasses rattled again and glared into the Captain's weather-beaten +face.[1] + +"Hear the man," said the Captain--"hear him. A man would think he had +spent his days and nights upon the sea, instead of mixing pills and +powders all his life in a snuffy village dispensary." + +The quarrel seemed like to be fierce, when a sudden sound struck upon +our ears, and stopped all tongues. I cannot call it a song. Rather, +it was like the moon-struck wailing of some unhappy dog, low, and +unearthly; and yet not that, either, for there were words to it. That +much we all heard distinctly. + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four, + Two for his heels, and that makes six." + +We listened, awestruck, with blanched faces, scarce daring to look at +one another. For myself, I am bold to confess that I crept under the +sheltering table and hid my head in my hands. Again the mournful notes +were moaned forth-- + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four, + Two for his heels, and--" + +But ere it was ended, Captain JAWKINS had sprung forward, and rushed +into the further corner of the parlour. "I know that voice," he cried +aloud; "I know it amid a thousand!" And even as he spoke, a strange +light dispelled the shadows, and by its rays we could see the +crouching form of BILL BLUENOSE, with the red seam across his face +where the devil had long since done his work. + +CHAPTER III. + +I had forgot to say that, as he ran, the Captain had drawn his sword. +In the confusion which followed on the discovery of BLUENOSE, I could +not rightly tell how each thing fell out; indeed, from where I lay, +with the men crowding together in front of me, to see at all was no +easy matter. But this I saw clearly. The Captain stood in the corner, +his blade raised to strike. BLUENOSE never stirred, but his breath +came and went, and his eyelids blinked strangely, like the flutter of +a sere leaf against the wall. There came a roar of voices, and, in the +tumult, the Captain's sword flashed quickly, and fell. Then, with a +broken cry like a sheep's bleat, the great seamed face fell separate +from the body, and a fountain of blood rose into the air from the +severed neck, and splashed heavily upon the sanded floor of the +parlour. + +"Man, man!" cried the Doctor, angrily, "what have ye done? Ye've kilt +BLUENOSE, and with him goes our chance of the treasure. But, maybe, +it's not yet too late." + +So saying, he plucked the head from the floor and clapped it again +upon its shoulders. Then, drawing a long stick of sealing-wax from +his pocket, he held it well before the Captain's ruddy face. The wax +splattered and melted. The Doctor applied it to the cut with deft +fingers, and with a strange condescension of manner in one so proud. +My heart beat like a bird's, both quick and little; and on a sudden +BLUENOSE raised his dripping hands, and in a quavering kind of voice +piped out-- + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four." + +But we had heard too much, and the next moment we were speeding with +terror at our backs across the desert moorland. + +CHAPTER IV. + +You are to remember that when the events I have narrated befell I +was but a lad, and had a lad's horror of that which smacked of the +supernatural. As we ran, I must have fallen in a swoon, for I remember +nothing more until I found myself walking with trembling feet through +the policies of the ancient mansion of Dearodear. By my side strode +a young nobleman, whom I straightway recognised as the Master. His +gallant bearing and handsome face served but to conceal the black +heart that beat within his breast. He gazed at me with a curious look +in his eyes. + +"SQUARETOES, SQUARETOES," said he--it was thus he had named me, and +by that I knew that we were in Scotland, and that my name was become +MACKELLAR--"I have a mind to end your prying and your lectures here +where we stand." + +"End it," said I, with a boldness which seemed strange to me even as +I spoke; "end it, and where will you be? A penniless beggar and an +outcast." + +"The old fool speaks truly," he continued, kicking me twice violently +in the back, but otherwise ignoring my presence; "and if I end him, +who shall tell the story? Nay, SQUARETOES, let us make a compact. I +will play the villain, and brawl, and cheat, and murder; you shall +take notes of my actions, and, after I have died dramatically in a +North American forest, you shall set up a stone to my memory, and +publish the story. What say you? Your hand upon it." + +Such was the fascination of the man that even then I could not +withstand him. Moreover, the measure of his misdeeds was not yet full. +My caution prevailed, and I gave him my hand. + +"Done!" said he; "and a very good bargain for you, SQUARETOES!" + +Let the public, then, judge between me and the Master, since of his +house not one remains, and I alone may write the tale. + +(To be continued.--Author.) THE END.--Ed. _Punch_. + +[Footnote 1: _Editor to Author_: "How did the glasses manage to glare? +It seems an odd proceeding for a glass. Answer paid." + +_Author to Editor_: "Don't be a fool. I meant the Doctor--not the +glasses."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Children of the Castle_, by Mrs. MOLESWORTH (published by +MACMILLAN), will certainly be a favourite with the children in the +house. A quaintly pretty story of child life and fairies, such as +she can write so well, it is valuably assisted with Illustrations by +WALTER CRANE. + +[Illustration] + +GEORGE ROUTLEDGE evidently means to catch the youthful book-worm's eye +by the brilliancy of his bindings, but the attraction will not stay +there long, for the contents are equal to the covers. + +These are days of reminiscences, so _"Bob," the Spotted Terrier_, +writes his own tale, or, wags it. Illustrations by HARRISON WEIR. And +here for the tiny ones, bless 'em, is _The House that Jack Built_,--a +paper book in actually the very shape of the house he built! And then +there's the melancholy but moral tale of _Froggy would a-Wooing Go_. +"Recommended," says the Baron. + +Published by DEAN AND SON, who should call their publishing +establishment "The Deanery," is _The Doyle Fairy Book_, a splendid +collection of regular fairy lore; and the Illustrations are by RICHARD +DOYLE, which needs nothing more. + +_The Mistletoe Bough_, edited by M.E. BRADDON, is not only very strong +to send forth so many sprigs, but it is a curious branch, as from +each sprig hangs a tale. The first, by the Editor and Authoress, _His +Oldest Friends_, is excellent. + +_Flowers of The Hunt_, by FINCH MASON, published by Messrs. FORES. +Rather too spring-like a title for a sporting book, as it suggests +hunting for flowers. Sketchy and amusing. + +HACHETTE AND CIE, getting ahead of Christmas, and neck and neck with +the New Year, issue a _Nouveau Calendrier Perpéteul_, "_Les Amis +Fidèles_," representing three poodles, the first of which carries +in his mouth the day of the week, the second the day of the month, +and the third the name of the month. This design is quaint, and if +not absolutely original, is new in the combination and application. +Unfortunately it only suggests one period of the year, the dog-days, +but in 1892 this can be improved upon, and amplified. + +No nursery would be complete without a _Chatterbox_, and, as a reward +to keep him quiet, _The Prize_ would come in useful. WELLS, DARTON, & +GARDNER, can supply both of them. + +F. WARNE has another Birthday-book, _Fortune's Mirror, Set in Gems_, +by M. HALFORD, with Illustrations by KATE CRAUFORD. A novel idea of +setting the mirror in the binding; but, to find your fortune, you must +look inside, and then you will see what gem ought to be worn in the +month of your birth. + +WILLERT BEALE's _Light of Other Days_ is most interesting to those +who, like the Baron, remember the latter days of GRISI and MARIO, +who can call to mind MARIO in _Les Huguenots_, in _Trovatore_, in +_Rigoletto_; and GRISI in _Norma_, _Valentina_, _Fides_, _Lucrezia_, +and some others. It seems to me that the centre of attraction in these +two volumes is the history of MARIO and GRISI on and off the stage; +and the gem of all is the simple narrative of Mrs. GODFREY PEARSE, +their daughter, which M. WILLERT BEALE has had the good taste to give +_verbatim_, with few notes or comments. To think that only twenty +years ago we lost GRISI, and that only nine years ago MARIO died in +Rome! Peace to them both! In Art they were a glorious couple, and in +their death our thoughts cannot divide them. GRISI and MARIO, Queen +and King of song, inseparable. I have never looked upon their like +again, and probably never shall. My tribute to their memory is, to +advise all those to whom their memory is dear, and those to whom their +memory is but a tradition, to read these Reminiscences, of them and +of others, by WILLERT BEALE, in order to learn all they can about +this romantic couple, who, caring little for money, and everything +for their art, were united in life, in love, in work, and, let +us, _peccatores_, humbly hope, in death. WILLERT BEALE has, in his +Reminiscences, given us a greater romance of real life than will be +found in twenty volumes of novels, by the most eminent authors. Yet +all so naturally and so simply told. At least so, with moist eyes, +says your tender-hearted critic, + +THE SYMPATHETIC BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +WIGS AND RADICALS. + + ["As a protest against the acceptance by the Corporation of + Sunderland of robes, wigs, and cocked hats, for the Mayor and + Town Clerk, Mr. STOREY, M.P., has sent in his resignation of + the office of Alderman of that body."--_Daily Paper_.] + +_Brutus_. Tell us what has chanced to-day, that STOREY looks so sad. + +_Casca_. Why, there was a wig and a cocked hat offered him, and he +put it away with the back of his hand, thus; and then the Sunderland +Radicals fell a-shouting. + +_Brutus_. What was the second noise for? + +_Casca_. Why, for that too. + +_Brutus_. They shouted thrice--what was the last cry for? + +_Casca_. Why, for that too--not to mention a municipal robe. + +_Brutus_. Was the wig, &c, offered him thrice? + +_Casca_. Ay, marry, was it, and he put the things by thrice, every +time more savagely than before. + +_Brutus_. Who offered him the wig? + +_Casca_. Why, the Sunderland Municipality, of course--stoopid! + +_Brutus_. Tell us the manner of it, gentle CASCA. + +_Casca_. I can as well be hanged, as tell you. It was mere foolery, I +did not mark it. I saw the people offer a cocked hat to him--yet 'twas +not to him neither, because he's only an Alderman, 'twas to the Mayor +and Town Clerk--and, as I told you, he put the things by thrice; +yet, to my thinking, had he been Mayor, he would fain have had them. +And the rabblement, of course, cheered such an exhibition of stern +Radical simplicity, and STOREY called the wig a bauble, though, to +my thinking, there's not much bauble about it, and the cocked-hat +he called a mediæval intrusion, though, to my thinking, there were +precious few cocked-hats in the Middle Ages. Then he said he would no +more serve as Alderman; and the Mayor and the Town Clerk cried--"Alas, +good soul!"--and accepted his resignation with all their hearts. + +_Brutus_. Then will not the Sunderland Town Hall miss him? + +_Casca_. Not it, as I am a true man! There'll be a STOREY the less on +it, that's all. Farewell! + + * * * * * + +"NOT THERE, NOT THERE, MY CHILD!" + +By some misadventure I was unable to attend the pianoforte recital +of Paddy REWSKI, the player from Irish Poland at the St. James's Hall +last Wednesday. Everybody much pleased, I'm told. Glad to hear it. I +was "Not there, not there, my child!" But audience gratified-- + + "And Stalldom shrieked when Paddy REWSKI played," + +as the Poet says, or something like it. I hear he made a hit. The +papers say he did, and if he didn't it's another thumper, that's all. + + * * * * * + +"SO NO MAYER AT PRESENT FROM YOURS TRULY THE ENTREPRENEUR OF THE +FRENCH PLAYS, ST. JAMES'S THEATRE."--It is hard on the indefatigable +M. MAYER, but when Englishmen can so easily cross the Channel, and so +willingly brave the _mal-de-mer_ for the sake of a week in Paris, it +is not likely that they will patronise French theatricals in London, +even for their own linguistic and artistic improvement, or solely for +the benefit of the deserving and enterprising M. MAYER. Even if it +be _mal-de-mer_ against _bien de Mayer_, an English admirer of French +acting would risk the former to get a week in Paris. We are sorry 'tis +so, but so 'tis. + + * * * * * + +"THE MAGAZINE RIFLE."--Is this invention patented by the Editor of +_The Review of Reviews_? Good title for the Staff of that Magazine, +"The Magazine Rifle Corps." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNNECESSARY CANDOUR. + +_Critic_. "BY JOVE, HOW ONE CHANGES! I'VE QUITE CEASED TO ADMIRE THE +KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO THINK SO CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO; AND _VICE +VERSÂ_!" + +_Pictor_. "THAT'S AS IT _SHOULD_ BE! IT SHOWS PROGRESS, DEVELOPMENT! +IT'S AN UNMISTAKABLE PROOF THAT YOU'VE REACHED A HIGHER INTELLECTUAL +AND ARTISTIC LEVEL, A MORE ADVANCED STAGE OF CULTURE, A LOFTIER--" + +_Critic_. "I'M GLAD YOU THINK SO, OLD MAN. BUT, CONFOUND IT, YOU +KNOW!--THE KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO THINK SO CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO, +HAPPENS TO BE _YOURS_!"] + + * * * * * + +BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD. + + The Appeal's to Justice! Justice lendeth ear + Unstirred by favour, unseduced by fear; + And they who Justice love must check the thrill + Of natural shame, and listen, and be still. + These wrangling tales of horror shake the heart + With pitiful disgust. Oh, glorious part + For British manhood, much bepraised, to play + In that dark land late touched by culture's day! + Are these our Heroes pictured each by each? + We fondly deemed that where our English speech + Sounded, there English hearts, of mould humane. + Justice would strengthen, cruelty restrain. + And is it all a figment of false pride? + _Such_ horrors do our vaunting annals hide + Beneath a world of words, like flowers that wave + In tropic swamps o'er a malarious grave? + + These are the questions which perforce intrude + As the long tale of horror coarse and crude, + Rolls out its sickening chapters one by one. + What will the verdict be when all is done? + Conflicting counsels in loud chorus rise, + "Hush the thing up!" the knowing cynic cries, + "Arm not our chuckling enemies at gaze + With charnel dust to foul our brightest bays! + Let the dead past bury its tainted dead, + Lest aliens at our 'heroes' wag the head." + "Shocking! wails out the sentimentalist. + Believe no tale unpleasant, scorn to list + To slanderous charges on the British name! + That brutish baseness, or that sordid shame + Can touch 'our gallant fellows,' is a thing + Incredible. Do not our poets sing, + Our pressmen praise in dithyrambic prose, + The 'lads' who win our worlds and face our foes? + Who never, save to human pity, yield + One step in wilderness or battlefield!" + + Meanwhile, with troubled eyes and straining hands, + Silent, attentive, thoughtful, Justice stands. + To her alone let the appeal be made. + Heroes, or merely tools of huckstering Trade, + Men brave, though fallible, or sordid brutes, + Let all be heard. Since each to each imputes + Unmeasured baseness, _somewhere_ the black stain + Must surely rest. The dead speak not, the slain + Have not a voice, save such as that which spoke + From ABEL's blood. Green laurels, or the stroke + Of shame's swift scourge? There's the alternative + Before the lifted eyes of those who live. + One fain would see the grass unstained that waves + In the dark Afric waste o'er those two graves. + To Justice the protagonist makes appeal. + Justice would wish him smirchless as her steel, + But stands with steadfast eyes and unbowed head + Silent--betwixt the Living and the Dead! + + * * * * * + +OPERA NOTES. + +What's a Drama without a Moral, and what's _Rigoletto_ without a +MAUREL, who was cast for the part, but who was too indisposed to +appear? So Signor GALASSI came and "played the fool" instead, much to +the satisfaction of all concerned, and all were very much concerned +about the illness or indisposition of M. MAUREL. DIMITRESCO not +particularly strong as the _Dook_; but Mlle. STROMFELD came out well +as _Gilda_, and, being called, came out in excellent form in front of +the Curtain. Signor BEVIGNANI, beating time in Orchestra, and time all +the better for his beating. + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF MUCH THANKS."--The difficulties in The City, which +_Mr. Punch_ represented in his Cartoon of November 8, were by the +_Times_ of last Saturday publicly acknowledged to be at an end. The +adventurous mariners were luckily able to rest on the Bank, and are +now once more fairly started. They will bear in mind the warning of +the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street, as given to the boys in the above +mentioned Cartoon. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.] + + * * * * * + +AVENUE HUNCHBACK. + +Of course there is nothing very new in the idea of a cripple loving a +beautiful maiden, while the beautiful maiden bestows her affections +on somebody else. SHERIDAN KNOWLES's Hunchback, _Master Walter_, is an +exception to Hunchbacks generally, as he turns out to be the father, +not the lover, of the leading lady. It has remained for Mr. CARTON +to give us in an original three-act play a deformed hero, who has to +sacrifice love to duty, or, rather, to let self-abnegation triumph +over the gratification of self. This self-sacrificing part is +admirably played by Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, whose simple make-up for the +character is irreproachable. That something more can still be made by +him of the scene of his great temptation I feel sure, and if he does +this he will have developed several full leaves from his already +budding laurels, and, which is presently important, he will have added +another 100 nights to the run. + +[Illustration: Mr. Punch applauding Master Walter George Desmarets.] + +_Maud_ (_without_ the final "_e_") capitally played by Miss MAUDE +(_with_ the final "E") MILLETT. (Why didn't the author choose another +name when this character was cast to Miss MILLETT? Not surely for the +sake of someone saying, "Come into the garden"--eh? And the author has +already indulged his pungent humour by giving "_George_" _Addis_ to +"GEORGE" ALEXANDER. Mistake.) This character of _Maud_ is a sketch of +an utterly odious girl,--odious, that is, at home, but fascinating no +doubt, away from the domestic circle. Is a sketch of such a character +worth the setting? How one pities the future Bamfield _ménage_, when +the unfortunate idiot _Bamfield_, well represented by Mr. BEN WEBSTER, +has married this flirting, flighty, sharp-tongued, selfish little +girl. To these two are given some good, light, and bright comedy +scenes, recalling to the mind of the middle-aged playgoer the palmy +days of what used to be known as the Robertsonian "Tea-cup-and-saucer +Comedies," with dialogue, scarcely _fin de siècle_ perhaps, but +pleasant to listen to, when spoken by Miss MAUDE MILLETT, MISS TERRY, +and Mr. BEN WEBSTER. + +[Illustration: Dr. Latimer at the Steak. Historical subject treated in +Act II. of _S. & S._] + +In Miss MARION TERRY's _Helen_, the elder of the Doctor's daughters, +we have a charming type, nor could Mr. NUTCOMBE GOULD's _Dr. Latimer_ +be improved upon as an artistic performance where repose and perfectly +natural demeanour give a certain coherence and solidity to the entire +work. Mr. YORKE STEPHENS as _Mark Denzil_ is too heavy, and his manner +conveys the impression that, at some time or other, he will commit +a crime, such, perhaps, as stealing the money from the Doctor's +desk; or, when this danger is past and he hasn't done it, his still +darkening, melodramatic manner misleads the audience into supposing +that in Act III, he will make away with his objectionable wife, +possess himself of the two hundred pounds, and then, just at the +moment when, with a darkling scowl and a gleaming eye, he steps +forward to claim his affianced bride, _Scollick_, Mr. ALFRED HOLLES, +hitherto only known as the drunken gardener, will throw off his +disguise, and, to a burst of applause from an excited audience, will +say, "I arrest you for murder and robbery! and--I am HAWKSHAW the +Detective!!!" or words to this effect. In his impersonation of _Mark +Denzil_ Mr. STEPHENS seems to have attempted an imitation of the light +and airy style of Mr. ARTHUR STIRLING. + +[Illustration: "The Shadow," but more like the substance. Collapse +of Mr. Yorke Stephens into the arms of Miss Marrying Terry, on +hearing the Shadow exclaim, "Yorke (Stephens), you're wanted!"] + +The end of the Second Act is, to my thinking, a mistake in dramatic +art. Everyone of the audience knows that the woman who has stolen +the money is _Mark Denzil's_ wife, and nobody requires from _Denzil_ +himself oral confirmation of the fact, much less do they want an +interval of several minutes,--it may be only seconds, but it seems +minutes,--before the Curtain descends, occupied only by _Mark Denzil_ +imploring that his wife shall not be taken before the magistrate +and be charged with theft. This is an anti-climax, weakening an +otherwise effective situation, as the immediate result of this scene +could easily be given in a couple of sentences of dialogue at the +commencement of the last Act. It is this fault, far more than the +unpruned passages of dialogue, that makes this interesting and well +acted play _seem_ too long--at least, such is the honest opinion of A +FRIEND IN FRONT. + + * * * * * + +THE BURDEN OF BACILLUS. + + Is there no one to protect us, is existence then a sin, + That we're worried here in London and in Paris and Berlin? + We would live at peace with all men, but "Destroy them!" is the cry, + Physiological assassins are not happy till we die. + With the rights of man acknowledged, can you wonder that we squirm + At the endless persecution of the much-maltreated germ. + + We are ta'en from home and hearthstone, from the newly-wedded bride, + To be looked at by cold optics on a microscopic slide; + We are boiled and stewed together, and they never think it hurts; + We're injected into rabbits by those hypodermic squirts: + Never safe, although so very insignificant in size, + There's no peace for poor Bacillus, so it seems, until he dies. + + It is strange to think how men lived in the days of long ago, + When the fact of our existence they had never chanced to know. + If the scientific ghouls are right who hunt us to the death, + Those who came before them surely had expired ere they drew breath: + We were there in those old ages, thriving in our youthful bloom; + Then there was no KOCH or PASTEUR bent on compassing our doom. + + Men humanity are preaching, and philanthropists elate + Point out he who injures horses shall be punished by the State; + Dogs are carefully protected, likewise the domestic cats, + Possibly kind-hearted people would not draw the line at rats: + If all that be right and proper, why then persecute and kill us? + Lo! the age's foremost martyr is the vilified Bacillus! + + * * * * * + +WALK UP! + +As far as Vigo Street, and see Mr. NETTLESHIP's Wild Beast Show at +the sign of "The Rembrandt Head." Here are Wild Animals to be seen +done from the life, and to the life; tawny lions, sleepy bears, +flapping vultures, and eagles, and brilliant macaws--all in excellent +condition. Observe the "Lion roaring" at No. 28, and the "Ibis flying" +with the sunlight on his big white wings against a deep blue sky, No. +36. All these Wild Animals can be safely guaranteed as pleasant and +agreeable companions to live with, and so, judging from certain labels +on the frames, the British picture-buyer has already discovered. Poor +Mr. NETTLESHIP's Menagerie will return to him shorn of its finest +specimens--that is, if he ever sees any of them back at all. + + * * * * * + +IN OUR GARDEN. + +[Illustration] + +It has occurred to me in looking back over these unpremeditated notes, +that if by any chance they came to be published, the public might gain +the impression that the Member for SARK and I did all the work of the +Garden, whilst our hired man looked on. SARK, to whom I have put the +case, says that is precisely it. But I do not agree with him. We have, +as I have already explained, undertaken this new responsibility from +a desire to preserve health and strength useful to our QUEEN and +Country. Therefore we, as ARPACHSHAD says, potter about the Garden, +get in each other's way, and in his; that is to say, we are out +working pretty well all day, with inadequate intervals for meals. + +ARPACHSHAD, to do him justice, is most anxious not to interfere with +our project by unduly taking labour on himself. When we are shifting +earth, and as we shift it backwards and forwards there is a good deal +to be done in that way, he is quite content to walk by the side, or in +front of the barrow, whilst SARK wheels it, and I walk behind, picking +up any bits that have shaken out of the vehicle. (Earth trodden into +the gravel-walk would militate against its efficiency.) But of course +ARPACHSHAD is, in the terms of his contract, "a working gardener," and +I see that he works. + +At the same time it must be admitted that he does not display any +eagerness in engaging himself, nor does he rapidly and energetically +carry out little tasks which are set him. There are, for example, +the sods about the trees in the orchard. He says it's very bad for +the trees to have the sods close up to their trunks. There should be +a small space of open ground. ARPACHSHAD thought that perhaps "the +gents," as he calls us, would enjoy digging a clear space round the +trees. We thought we would, and set to work. But SARK having woefully +hacked the stem of a young apple-tree (_Lord Suffield_) and I having +laboriously and carefully cut away the entire network of the roots of +a damson-tree, under the impression that it was a weed, it was decided +that ARPACHSHAD had better do this skilled labour. We will attain to +it by-and-by. + +ARPACHSHAD has now been engaged on the work for a fortnight, and I +think it will carry him on into the spring. The way he walks round the +harmless apple-tree before cautiously putting in the spade, is very +impressive. Having dug three exceedingly small sods, he packs them in +a basket, and then, with a great sigh, heaves it on to his shoulder, +and walks off to store the sods by the potting-shed. Anything more +solemn than his walk, more depressing than his mien, has not been seen +outside a churchyard. If he were burying the child of his old age, +he could not look more cut up. SARK, who, probably owing to personal +associations, is beginning to develop some sense of humour, walked by +the side of him this morning whistling "_The Dead March in Saul_." + +The effect was unexpected and embarrassing. ARPACHSHAD slowly +relieved himself of the burden of the three sods, dropped them on +the ground with a disproportionate thud, and, producing a large +pocket-handkerchief, whose variegated and brilliant colours were, +happily, dimmed by a month's use, mopped his eyes. + +"You'll excuse _me_, gents," he snuffled, "but I never hear that there +tune, '_Rule Britanny_,' whistled or sung but I think of the time when +I went down to see my son off from Portsmouth for the Crimee, '_Rule +Britanny_' was the tune they played when he walked proudly aboard. He +was in all the battles, Almy, Inkerman, Ballyklaver, Seringapatam, and +Sebastopol." + +"And was he killed?" asked the Member for SARK, making as though he +would help ARPACHSHAD with the basket on to his shoulder again. + +"No," said ARPACHSHAD, overlooking the attention--"he lived to come +home; and last week he rode in the Lord Mayor's coach through the +streets of London, with all his medals on. Five shillings for the +day, and a good blow-out, presided over by Mr. AUGUSTIN HARRIS, in +his Sheriff's Cloak and Chain at the 'Plough-and-Thunder,' in the +Barbican." + +HARTINGTON came down to see us to-day. Mentioned ARPACHSHAD, and his +natural indisposition to hurry himself. + +"Why should he?" asked HARTINGTON, yawning, as he leaned over the +fence. "What's the use, as Whosthis says, of ever climbing up the +climbing wave? I can't understand how you fellows go about here with +your shirt-sleeves turned up, bustling along as if you hadn't a +minute to spare. It's just the same in the House; bustle everywhere; +everybody straining and pushing--everybody but me." + +"Well," said SARK, "but you've been up in Scotland, making quite a lot +of speeches. Just as if you were Mr. G. himself." + +"Yes," said HARTINGTON, looking admiringly at ARPACHSHAD, who had +taken off his coat, and was carefully folding it up, preparatory to +overtaking a snail, whose upward march on a peach-tree his keen eye +had noted; "but that wasn't my fault. I was dragged into it against +my will. It came about this way. Months ago, when Mr. G.'s tour was +settled, they said nothing would do but that I must follow him over +the same ground, speech by speech. If it had been to take place in the +next day or two, or in the next week, I would have plumply said No. +But, you see, it was a long way off. No one could say what might not +happen in the interval. If I'd said No, they would have worried me +week after week. If I said Yes, at least I wouldn't be bored on the +matter for a month or two. So I consented, and, when the time came, +I had to put in an appearance. But I mean to cut the whole business. +Shall take a Garden, like you and SARK, only it shall be a place to +lounge in, not to work in. Should like to have a fellow like your +ARPACHSHAD; soothing and comforting to see him going about his work." + +"I suppose you'll take a partner?" I asked. "Hope you'll get one more +satisfactory than SARK has proved." + +HARTINGTON blushed a rosy red at this reference to a partner. Didn't +know he was so sensitive on account of SARK; abruptly changed subject. + +"Fact is, TOBY," he said, "I hate politics; always been dragged into +them by one man or another. First it was BRIGHT; then Mr. G.; now the +MARKISS is always at me, making out that chaos will come if I don't +stick at my place in the House during the Session, and occasionally go +about country making speeches in the recess. Wouldn't mind the House +if seats were more comfortable. Can sleep there pretty well for twenty +minutes before dinner; but nothing to rest your head against; back +falls your head; off goes your hat; and then those Radical fellows +grin. I could stand politics better if Front Opposition Bench or +Treasury Bench were constructed on principle of family pews in country +churches. Get a decent quiet corner, and there you are. In any new +Reformed Parliament hope they'll think of it; though it doesn't matter +much to me. I'm going to cut it. Done my share; been abused now all +round the Party circle. Conservatives, Whigs, Liberals, Radicals, +Irish Members, Scotch and Welsh, each alternately have praised and +belaboured me. My old enemies now my closest friends. Old friends +look at me askance. It's a poor business. I never liked it, never had +anything to get out of it, and you'll see presently that I'll give it +up. Don't you suppose, TOBY my boy, that you shall keep the monopoly +of retirement. I'll find a partner, peradventure an ARPACHSHAD, and +we'll all live happily for the rest of our life." + +With his right hand thrust in his trouser-pocket, his left swinging +loosely at his side, and his hat low over his brow, HARTINGTON lounged +off till his tall figure was lost in the gloaming. + +"That's the man for _my_ money," said ARPACHSHAD, looking with growing +discontent at the Member for SARK, who, with the only blade left in +his tortoiseshell-handled penknife, was diligently digging weeds out +of the walk. + + * * * * * + +IN THE CLUB SMOKING-ROOM. + +"Lux Mundi," said somebody, reading aloud the title heading a lengthy +criticism in the _Times_. + +"Don't know so much about that," observed a sporting and superstitious +young man; "but I know that '_Ill luck's Friday_.'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIGHER EDUCATION. + +_Mr. Punch_. "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL, BUT IT'S TOO DULL. LET THEM HAVE A +LITTLE SUNSHINE, OR THEY WILL NEVER FOLLOW YOU."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A POSER. + +_Fair Client_. "I'M ALWAYS PHOTOGRAPHED FROM THE SAME SIDE, BUT I +FORGET WHICH!" + +_Scotch Photographer_ (_reflectively_). "WELL, IT'LL NO BE _THIS_ +SIDE, I'M THINKIN'. MAYBE IT'S T'ITHER!"] + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +Yes, quite so. It's a very good excuse! Whenever I do not turn up when +I am expected, my children say, "Pa's about pictures." It's just the +same as a doctor, when he forgets to keep an appointment, says, "he +has unexpectedly been called out." Yah! _I'd_ call some of 'em out if +I had the chance. I took French leave the other day, and went to the +French Gallery, expecting to see sketches in French chalk, or studies +in French grey. Nothing of the kind! Mr. WALLIS will have his little +joke. The main part of the exhibition is essentially English, and so +I found my Parisian accent was entirely thrown away. If it had only +been Scotch, I could have said something about the "Scots wha hae wi' +WALLIS," but I didn't have even that chance. Too bad, though, the +show is a good one. "English, you know, quite English." Lots of good +landscapes by LEADER, bright, fresh, breezy. Young painters should +"follow their Leader," and they can't go very far wrong. I would +write a leader on the subject, and introduce something about the +land-scape-goat, only I know it would be cut out. Being very busy, +sent Young Par to see Miss CHARLOTTE ROBINSON's Exhibition of Screens. +He behaved badly. Instead of looking at matters in a serious light, he +seemed to look upon the whole affair as a "screening farce," and began +to sing-- + + Here screens of all kinds you may see, + Designed most ar-tist-_tic_-a-lee, + In exquisite va-ri-e-tee, + By clever CHARLOTTE ROBINSON! + They'll screen you from the bitter breeze, + They'll screen you when you take your teas, + They'll screen you when you flirt with shes-- + Delightful CHARLOTTE ROBINSON! + +He then folded his arms, and began to sing, "with my riddle-ol, de +riddle-ol, de ri, de O," danced a hornpipe all over the place, broke +several valuable pieces of furniture, and was removed in charge of the +police. And this is the boy that was to be a comfort to me in my old +age! + +Yours parabolically, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +Novel praise from the _D.T._ for the Lord Mayor's Show, during a pause +for lunch:--"It is so quaint, so bright, so thoroughly un-English." +The Lord Mayor's Show "So Un-English, you know"! Then, indeed have we +arrived at the end of the ancient _al-fresco_ spectacle. + + * * * * * + +IN A HOLE. + +(_BRIEF IMPERIAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN TWO ACTS, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._) + + ["Well, if it comes to fighting, we should be just in + a hole."--_A Linesman's Opinion of the New Rifle, from + Conversation in Daily Paper._] + +ACT I. + + SCENE--_A Public Place in Time of Peace._ + +_Mrs. Britannia_ (_receiving a highly finished and improved newly +constructed scientific weapon from cautious and circumspect Head of +Department_). And so this is the new Magazine Rifle? + +_Head of Department_ (_in a tone of quiet and self-satisfied +triumph_). It is, Madam. + +_Mrs. Britannia_. And I may take your word for it, that it is a weapon +I can with confidence place in the hands of my soldiers. + +_Head of Department_. You may, Madam. Excellent as has been all the +work turned out by the Department I have the honour to represent, I +think I may fairly claim this as our greatest achievement. No less +than nine firms have been employed in its construction, and I am +proud to say that in one of the principal portions of its intricate +mechanism, fully seven-and-thirty different parts, united by +microscopic screws, are employed in the adjustment. But allow me to +explain. [_Does so, giving an elaborate and confusing account of the +construction, showing that, without the greatest care, and strictest +attention to a series of minute precautions on the part of the +soldier, the weapon is likely to get suddenly out of order, and prove +worse than useless in action. This, however, he artfully glides over +in his description, minimising all its possible defects, and finally +insisting that no power in Europe has turned out such a handy, +powerful, and serviceable rifle._ + +_Mrs. Britannia_. Ah, well, I don't profess to understand the +practical working of the weapon. But I have trusted you implicitly +to provide me with a good one, and this being, as you tell me, what I +want, I herewith place it the hands of my Army. (_Presents the rifle +to TOMMY ATKINS._) Here, ATKINS, take your rifle, and I hope you'll +know how to use it. + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a broad grin_). Thank'ee, Ma'am. I hope I shall, +for I shall be in a precious 'ole if I don't. + + [_Flourish of newspaper articles, general congratulatory + chorus on all sides, as Act-drop descends._ + +ACT II. + + _A Battle-field in time of War. Enter TOMMY ATKINS with his + rifle. In the interval, since the close of the last Act, he is + supposed to have been thoroughly instructed in its proper use, + and, though on one or two occasions, owing to disregard of + some trifling precaution, he has found it "jam," still, in the + leisure of the practice-field, he has been generally able to + get it right again, and put it in workable order. He is now + hurrying along in all the excitement of battle, and in face of + the enemy, of whom a batch appear on the horizon in front of + him, when the word is given to "fire."_ + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_endeavours to execute the order, but he finds +something "stuck," and his rifle refuses to go off._) Dang it! What's +the matter with the beastly thing! It's that there bolt that's caught +agin' (_thumps it furiously in his excitement and makes matters +worse._) Dang the blooming thing; I can't make it go. (_Vainly +endeavours to recall some directions, committed in calmer moments, to +memory._) Drop the bolt? No! that ain't it. Loose this 'ere pin (_tugs +frantically at a portion of the mechanism._) 'Ang me if I can make +it go! (_Removes a pin which suddenly releases the magazine_), well, +I've done it now and no mistake. Might as well send one to fight with +a broomstick. (_A shell explodes just behind him._) Well, _I am in +a 'ole_ and no mistake. [_Battle proceeds with results as Act-drop +falls._ + + * * * * * + +OLD FRENCH SAW RE-SET.--FROM _THE STANDARD_, NOVEMBER 14:-- + + "The duel between M. DÉROULÈDE and M. LAGUERRE occurred + yesterday morning in the neighbourhood of Charleroi, in + Belgium. Four shots were exchanged without any result. On + returning to Charleroi the combatants and their seconds were + arrested." + + "_C'est Laguerre, mais ce n'est pas magnifique._" + + * * * * * + +NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case +be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., Nov. 22, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12737 *** diff --git a/12737-h/12737-h.htm b/12737-h/12737-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8f17a31 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/12737-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1939 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, November 22, 1890.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12737 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 22, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" + id="page241"></a>[pg 241]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:47%;"> + <a href="images/241.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/241.png" + alt="Mr. S.B. B-ncr-ft." /></a> + + <h3>DOUBLING THE PART.</h3><i>Mr. S.B. B-ncr-ft, having + retired from the Stage, thinks of taking to the Booth.</i> + "'WHEN THE CUE COMES, CALL ME.' AW!—VERY LIKE + HIM—VERY!"<br /> + + + <p>[One day last week Mr. S.B. BANCROFT wrote to the + <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, saying, that so struck was he by + "General" BOOTH's scheme for relieving everybody + generally—of course "generally"—that he wished + at once to relieve himself of £1000, if he could only find + out ninety-and-nine other sheep in the wilderness of London + to follow his example, and consent to be shorn of a similar + amount. Send your cheque to 85, Fleet Street, and we'll + undertake to use it for the benefit of most deserving + objects.]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A GOOD-NATURED TEMPEST.</h2> + + <p>It was stated in the <i>Echo</i> that, during the late + storm, a brig "brought into Dover harbour two men, with their + ribs and arms broken by a squall off Beachy Head. The + deck-house and steering-gear were carried away, and the men + taken to Dover Hospital." Who shall say, after this, that + storms do not temper severity with kindness? This particular + one, it is true, broke some ribs and arms, and carried away + portions of a brig, but, in the very act of doing this, it took + the sufferers, and laid them, apparently, on the steps of Dover + Hospital. If we must have storms, may they all imitate this + motherly example.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"WHAT A WONDERFUL BO-OY!"—In the <i>Head-Master's + Guide</i> for November, in the list of applicants for + Masterships, appears a gentleman who offers to teach + Mathematics, Euclid, Arithmetic, Algebra, Natural Science, + History, Geography, Book-keeping, French Grammar, Freehand, and + Perspective Drawing, the Piano, the Organ, and the Harmonium, + and Singing, for the modest salary of £20 a-year without a + residence! But it is only just to add; that this person seems + to be of marvellous origin, for although he admits extreme + youth (he says he is <i>only three years of age!</i>) he boasts + ten years of experience! <i>O si sic omnes</i>! So wise, so + young, so cheap!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>If spectacular effects are worth remembering, then Sheriff + DRURIOLANUS ought to be a member of the Spectacle-makers' + Company.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>On the Ninth of November.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Our difficulties are such as these—that America + has instituted a vast system of prohibitive tariffs, + mainly, I believe, because ... American pigs do not receive + proper treatment at the hands of Europe.... If we have any + difficulty with our good neighbours in France, it is + because of that unintelligent animal the lobster; and if we + have any difficulty with our good neighbours in America, it + is because of that not very much nobler animal, the + seal."—<i>Lord Salisbury at the Mansion + House</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The Real Turtle sang this, very slowly, and + sadly:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"We are getting quite important," said the Porker to + the Seal,</p> + + <p>"For we're 'European Questions,' as a Premier seems + to feel.</p> + + <p>See the 'unintelligent' Lobster, even he, makes an + advance!</p> + + <p>Oh, we lead the Politicians of the earth a pretty + dance.</p> + + <p class="i2">Will you, won't you, Yankee Doodle, + England, and gay France.</p> + + <p class="i2">Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, + let <i>us</i> lead the dance?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You can really have no notion how delightful it + will be,</p> + + <p>When they take <i>us</i> up as matters of the High + Diplomacee."</p> + + <p>But the Seal replied, "They brain us!" and he gave a + look askance</p> + + <p>At the goggle-eyed mailed Lobster, who was loved + (and boiled) by France.</p> + + <p class="i2">"Would they, could they, would they, + could they, give us half a chance?</p> + + <p class="i2">Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals all suffer, + Commerce to advance!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What matters it how grand we are!" his plated + friend replied,</p> + + <p>If our destiny is Salad, or the Sausage boiled or + fried?</p> + + <p>Though we breed strife 'twixt England, and America, + and France,</p> + + <p>If we're chopped up, or boiled, or brained where is + <i>our</i> great advance?</p> + + <p class="i2">Will you, won't you, will you, won't you + chuck away a chance</p> + + <p class="i2">Of peace in pig-stye, or at sea, to play + the game of France?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"Thank you, it's a very amusing dance—<i>to + watch</i>," said ALICE, feeling very glad that she had not to + stand up in it.</p> + + <p>"You may not have lived much under the Sea" (said the Real + Turtle) ("I haven't," said ALICE), "and perhaps you were never + introduced to a Lobster—" (ALICE began to say "I once + tasted—" but checked herself hastily, and said, "No, + never"),—"So you can have no idea what a delightful dance + a (Diplomatic) Lobster Quadrille is!"</p> + + <p>"I dare say not," said ALICE.</p> + + <p>"Stand up and repeat '<i>'Tis the Voice of the + Premier</i>,'" said the Griffin.</p> + + <p>ALICE got up and began to repeat it, but her head was so + full of Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals, that she hardly knew what + she was saying, and the words came very queer + indeed:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Tis the voice of the Premier; I heard him + complain</p> + + <p>On the Ninth of November all prophecy's vain.</p> + + <p>I <i>must</i> make some sort of a speech, I + suppose.</p> + + <p>Dear DIZZY (who led the whole world by the nose)</p> + + <p>Said the world heard, for once, on this day, 'Truth + and Sense'</p> + + <p>(<i>I.e.</i> neatly phrased Make-believe and + Pretence),</p> + + <p>But when GLADDY's 'tide' rises, and lost seats + abound,</p> + + <p>One's voice has a cautious and timorous sound."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"I've heard this sort of thing so often before," said the + Real Turtle; "but it sounds uncommon nonsense. Go on with the + next verse."</p> + + <p>ALICE did not dare disobey, though she felt sure it would + all come wrong, and she went on in a trembling + voice:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I passed by the Session, and marked, by the + way,</p> + + <p>How the Lion and Eagles would share Af-ri-ca.</p> + + <p>How the peoples, at peace, were not shooting with + lead,</p> + + <p>But bethumping each other with Tariffs instead,</p> + + <p>How the Eight Hours' Bill, on which BURNS was so + sweet,</p> + + <p>Was (like bye-elections) a snare and a cheat;</p> + + <p>How the Lobster, the Pig, and the Seal, I would + say</p> + + <p>At my sixth Lord Mayor's Banquet—"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"What <i>is</i> the use of repeating all that stuff," the + Real Turtle interrupted, "if you don't explain it as you go on? + It's by far the most confusing thing <i>I</i> ever heard!"</p> + + <p>"Yes, I think you'd better leave off," said the Griffin; and + ALICE was only too glad to do so.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>GAMES.—It being the season of burglaries, E. WOLF AND + SON—("WOLF," most appropriate name,—but <i>Wolf and + Moon</i> would have been still better than WOLF AND + SON)—take the auspicious time to bring out their new game + of "Burglar and Bobbies." On a sort of draught-board, so that + both Burglar and Bobby play "on the square," which is in itself + a novelty. The thief may be caught in thirteen moves. This + won't do. We want him to be caught before he moves at all.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" + id="page242"></a>[pg 242]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/242.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/242.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>NEW EDITION OF "ROBA DI 'ROMER.'"</h3><i>With Mr. + Punch's sincere congratulations to his Old Friend the New + Judge.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT A SALE OF HIGH-CLASS SCULPTURE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>SCENE—<i>An upper floor in a City Warehouse; a + low, whitewashed room, dimly lighted by dusty windows and + two gas-burners in wire cages. Around the walls are ranged + several statues of meek aspect, but securely confined in + wooden cases, like a sort of marble menagerie. In the + centre, a labyrinthine grove of pedestals, surmounted by + busts, groups, and statuettes by modern Italian masters. + About these pedestals a small crowd—consisting of + Elderly Merchants on the look out for a "neat thing in + statuary" for the conservatory at Croydon or Muswell Hill, + Young City Men who have dropped in after lunch, + Disinterested Dealers, Upholsterers' Buyers, Obliging + Brokers, and Grubby and Mysterious men—is cautiously + circulating.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Obliging Broker</i> (<i>to</i> Amiable Spectator, <i>who + has come in out of curiosity, and without the remotest + intention of purchasing sculpture</i>). <i>No</i> Catlog, Sir? + 'Ere, allow me to orfer you mine—that's <i>my</i> name in + pencil on the top of it, Sir; and, if you <i>should</i> 'appen + to see any lot that takes your fancy, you jest ketch my eye. + (<i>Reassuringly.</i>) I shan't be fur off. Or look 'ere, gimme + a nudge—<i>I</i> shall know what it means.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> A.S. <i>thanks him profusely, and edges away + with an inward vow to avoid his and the</i> Auctioneer's + <i>eyes, as he would those of a basilisk.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Auctioneer</i> (<i>from desk, with the usual perfunctory + fervour</i>). Lot 13, Gentlemen, very charming pair of subjects + from child life—"<i>The Pricked Finger</i>" and "<i>The + Scratched Toe</i>"—by BIMBI.</p> + + <p><i>A Stolid Assistant</i> (<i>in shirtsleeves</i>). Figgers + <i>'ere</i>, Gen'lm'n!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Languid surge of crowd towards them.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Facetious Bidder</i>. Which of 'em's the finger, and + which the toe?</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>coldly</i>). I should have thought it was + easy to identify by the attitude. Now, Gentlemen, give me a + bidding for these very finely-executed works by BIMBI. Make any + offer. What will you give me for 'em? Both very sweet things, + Gentlemen. Shall we say ten guineas?</p> + + <p><i>A Grubby Man</i>. Give yer five.</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>with grieved resignation</i>). Very well, + start 'em at five. Any advance on five? (<i>To</i> Assist.) + Turn 'em round, to show the back view. And a 'arf! Six! And a + 'arf! Only six and a 'arf bid for this beautiful pair of + figures, done direct from nature by BIMBI. Come, Gentlemen, + come! Seven! Was that <i>you</i>, Mr. GRIMES? (<i>The Grubby + Man admits the soft impeachment.</i>) Seven and a 'arf. Eight! + It's <i>against</i> you.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Grimes</i> (<i>with a supreme effort</i>). + Two-and-six!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Mops his brow with a red cotton + handkerchief.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>in a tone of gratitude for the smallest + mercies</i>). Eight-ten-six. All done at eight-ten-six? Going + ... gone! GRIMES, Eight, ten, six. Take money for 'em. Now we + come to a very 'andsome work by PIFFALINI—"<i>The Ocarina + Player</i>," one of this great artist's masterpieces, and an + exceedingly choice and high-class work, as you will all agree + directly you see it. (<i>To</i> Assist.) Now, then, Lot 14, + there—look sharp!</p> + + <p><i>Stolid Assist.</i> "Hocarina Plier," eyn't arrived, + Sir.</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> Oh, hasn't it? Very well, then. Lot 15. "<i>The + Pretty Pill-taker</i>," by ANTONIO BILIO—a really + magnificent work of Art, Gentlemen. (<i>"Pill-taker, 'ere!" + from the S.A.</i>) What'll you give me for her? Come, make me + an offer. (<i>Bidding proceeds till the "Pill-taker" is knocked + down for twenty-three-and-a-half guineas.</i>) Lot 16, "<i>The + Mixture as Before</i>," by same artist—make a charming + and suitable companion to the last lot. What do you say, Mr. + MIDDLEMAN—take it at the same bidding? (Mr. M. + <i>assents, with the end of one eyebrow.</i>) Any advance on + twenty-three and a 'arf? None? Then.—MIDDLEMAN, + Twenty-four, thirteen, six.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Middleman</i> (<i>to the</i> Amiable Spectator, + <i>who has been vaguely inspecting the "Pill-taker."</i>) Don't + know if you noticed it, Sir, but I got that last couple very + cheap—on'y forty-seven guineas the pair, and they are + worth eighty, I solemnly declare to you. I could get forty + a-piece for 'em to-morrow, upon my word and honour, I could. + Ah, and I know who'd <i>give</i> it me for 'em, too!</p> + + <p><i>The A.S.</i> (<i>sympathetically</i>). Dear me, then + you've done very well over it.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.</i> Ah, well ain't the word—and those two + aren't the only lots I've got either. That + "<i>Sandwich-Man</i>" over there is mine—look at the work + in those boards, and the nature in his clay pipe; and "<i>The + Boot-Black</i>," that's mine, too—all worth twice what + <i>I</i> got 'em for—and lovely things, too, ain't + they?</p> + + <p><i>The A.S.</i> Oh, very nice, very + clever—congratulate you, I'm sure.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.</i> I can see you've took a fancy to 'em, Sir, + and, when I come across a gentleman that's a connysewer, I'm + always sorry to stand in his light; so, see here, you can have + any one you like out o' my little lot, or all on 'em, with all + the pleasure in the wide world, Sir, and I'll on'y charge you + five per cent. on what I gave for 'em. and be exceedingly + obliged to you, into the bargain, Sir. (<i>The</i> A.S. + <i>feebly disclaims any desire to take advantage of this + magnanimous offer.</i>) Don't say No, if you mean Yes, Sir. + Will you <i>'ave</i> the "<i>Pill-taker</i>," Sir?</p> + + <p><i>The A.S.</i> (<i>politely</i>). Thank you very much, + but—er—I think <i>not</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.</i> Then perhaps you could do with "<i>The Little + Boot-Black</i>," or "<i>The Sandwich-Man</i>," Sir?</p> + + <p><i>The A.S.</i> Perhaps—but I could do still better + <i>without</i> them.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He moves to another part of the room.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Obl. Broker</i> (<i>whispering beerily in his + ear</i>). Seen anythink yet as takes your fancy, Sir; 'cos, if + so—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> A.S. <i>escapes to a dark corner—where + he is warmly welcomed by</i> Mr. MIDDLEMAN.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. M.</i> <i>Knew</i> you'd think better on it, Sir. Now + which is it to be—the "<i>Boot-Black</i>," or "<i>Mixture + as Before</i>"?</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> Now we come to Lot 19. Massive fluted column in + coral marble with revolving-top—a column, Gentlemen, + which will speak for + itself.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" + id="page243"></a>[pg 243]</span> + + <p><i>The Facetious Bidder</i> (<i>after a scrutiny</i>). Then + it may as well mention, while it's <i>about</i> it, that it's + got a bit out of its back!</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> Flaw in the marble, that's all. (<i>To</i> + Assist.) Nothing the <i>matter</i> with the column, is + there?</p> + + <p><i>Assist.</i> (<i>with reluctant candour</i>). Well, it + <i>'as</i> got a little chipped, Sir.</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>easily</i>). Oh, very well then, we'll sell + it "A.F." Very glad it was found out in time, I'm sure.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Bidding proceeds.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Dealer to Second</i> (<i>in a husky whisper</i>). + Talkin' o' Old Masters, I put young 'ANWAY up to a good thing + the other day.</p> + + <p><i>Second D.</i> (<i>without surprise—probably from a + knowledge of his friend's noble, unselfish nature</i>). + Ah—'ow was that?</p> + + <p><i>First D.</i> Well, there was a picter as I 'appened to + know could be got in for a deal under what it ought—in + good 'ands, mind yer—to fetch. It was a + Morlan'—leastwise, it was so like you couldn't ha' told + the difference, if you understand my meanin'. (<i>The other + nods with complete intelligence.</i>) Well, I 'adn't no openin' + for it myself just then, so I sez to young 'ANWAY, "You might + do worse than go and 'ave a <i>look</i> at it," I told him. And + I run against him yesterday, Wardour Street way, and I sez, + "Did yer go and <i>see</i> that picter?" "Yes," sez he, "and + what's more, I got it at pretty much my own figger, too!" + "Well," sez I, "and ain't yer goin' to <i>shake 'ands with me + over it</i>?"</p> + + <p><i>Second D.</i> (<i>interested</i>). And <i>did</i> he?</p> + + <p><i>First D.</i> Yes, he did—he beyaved very fair over + the matter, I will say <i>that</i> for him.</p> + + <p><i>Second D.</i> Oh, 'ANWAY's a very decent little + feller—<i>now</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>hopefully</i>). Now, Gentlemen, this next + lot'll tempt you, <i>I</i>'m sure! Lot 33, a magnificent and + very finely executed dramatic group out of the "<i>Merchant of + Venice</i>," <i>Othello</i> in the act of smothering + <i>Desdemona</i>, both nearly life-size. (Assist., <i>with a + sardonic inflection</i>. "<i>Group</i> 'ere, <i>Gen'lm'n!</i>") + What shall we say for this great work by ROCCOCIPPI, Gentlemen? + A hundred guineas, just to start us?</p> + + <p><i>The F.B.</i> Can't you put the two figgers up + separate?</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> You know better than that—being a group, + Sir. Come, come, anyone give me a hundred for this magnificent + marble group! The figure of <i>Othello</i> very finely + finished, Gentlemen.</p> + + <p><i>The F.B.</i> I should ha' thought it was <i>her</i> who + was the finely finished one of the two.</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>pained by this levity</i>). Really, + Gentlemen, <i>do</i> 'ave more appreciation of a 'igh-class + work like this!... Twenty-five guineas?... Nonsense! I can't + put it up at that.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Bidding languishes. Lot withdrawn.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Second Disinterested Dealer</i> (<i>to First D.D., in an + undertone</i>). I wouldn't tell everyone, but I shouldn't like + to see <i>you</i> stay 'ere and waste your time; so, in case + you <i>was</i> thinking of waiting for that last lot, I may + just as well mention—[<i>Whispers.</i></p> + + <p><i>First D.D.</i> Ah, it's <i>that</i> way, is it? Much + obliged to you for the 'int. But I'd do the same for you any + day.</p> + + <p><i>Second D.D.</i> I'm <i>sure</i> yer would!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They watch one another suspiciously.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> Now 'ere's a tasteful thing, Gentlemen. Lot. + 41. "<i>Nymph eating Oysters</i>" ("<i>Nymph 'ere, + Gen'lm'n!</i>"), by the celebrated Italian artist VABENE, one + of the finest works of Art in this room, and they're <i>all</i> + exceedingly fine works of Art; but this is <i>truly</i> a work + of Art, Gentlemen. What shall we say for her, eh? + (<i>Silence.</i>) Why, Gentlemen, no more appreciation than + <i>that</i>? Come, don't be afraid of it. Make a beginning. + (<i>Bidding starts.</i>) Forty-five guineas. + Forty-six—<i>pounds</i>. Forty-six pounds only, this + remarkable specimen of modern Italian Art. Forty-six and a + 'arf. Only forty-six ten bid for it. Give character to any + gentleman's collection, a figure like this would. Forty-seven + <i>pounds</i>—<i>guineas</i>! and a 'arf.... Forty-seven + and a 'arf guineas.... For the last time! Bidding with you, + Sir. Forty-seven guineas and a 'arf—Gone! Name, Sir, if + <i>you</i> please. Oh, money? Very well. Thank you.</p> + + <p><i>Proud Purchaser</i> (<i>to Friend, in excuse for his + extravagance</i>). You see, I must have something for that + grotto I've got in the grounds.</p> + + <p><i>His Friend</i>. If she was mine, I should put her in the + hall, and have a gaslight fitted in the oyster-shell.</p> + + <p><i>P.P.</i> (<i>thoughtfully</i>). Not a bad idea. But + electric light would be more suitable, and easier to fix too. + Yes—we'll see.</p> + + <p><i>The Obl. Broker</i> (<i>pursuing the Am. Spect.</i>). I + 'ope, Sir, you'll remember me, next time you're this way.</p> + + <p><i>The Am. Spect.</i> (<i>who has only ransomed himself by + taking over an odd lot, consisting of imitation marble fruit, a + model, under crystal, of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and three + busts of Italian celebrities of whom he has never heard</i>). + I'm afraid I shan't have very much chance of forgetting you. + <i>Good</i> afternoon!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit hurriedly, dropping the fruit, as Scene + closes.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/243.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/243.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>PRIVATE THEATRICALS.</h3> + + <p><i>Fond Parent</i> (<i>to Professional Lady</i>). "TELL + ME, MISS LE VAVASOUR, DID MY SON ACQUIT HIMSELF CREDITABLY + AT THIS AFTERNOON'S REHEARSAL?"</p> + + <p><i>Miss Le Vavasour</i>. "WELL, MY LORD,—IF YOUR + SON ONLY ACTS THE LOVER ON THE STAGE HALF AS ENERGETICALLY + AS HE DOES IN THE GREEN-ROOM, THE PIECE WILL BE A + SUCCESS!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>FROM OUR MUSIC HALL.</h2> + + <p>I had a fine performance at my little place last week. Gave + the <i>Elijah</i> with a chorus whose vigorous delivery and + precision were excellent, and except for uncertain intonation + of <i>soprani</i> in first chorus, I think though perhaps I say + it who shouldn't, I never heard better chorussing within my + walls. Madame SCHMIDT-KOEHNE has a good voice, but I can't say + I approve of her German method, nor do I like embellishments of + text, even when they can be justified. The <i>contralto</i>, + Madame SVIATLOVSKY (O Heavenly name that ends in <i>sky</i>!) + is not what I should have expected, coming to us with such a + name. Perhaps not heard to advantage: perhaps 'vantage to me if + I hadn't heard her. But Miss SARAH BERRY brought down the house + just as SAMSON did, and we were Berry'd all alive, O, and + applauding beautifully. <i>Brava</i>, Miss SARAH BERRY!</p> + + <p>"As we are hearing <i>Elijah</i>," says Mr. Corner Man, "may + I ask you, Sir, what Queen in Scripture History this young lady + reminds me of?" Of course I reply, "I give it up, Sir." + Whereupon he answers, "She reminds me, Sir, of the Queen who + was BERENICÉ—'Berry-Nicey'—see?"</p> + + <p>Number next in the books. Mr. WATKIN MILLS was dignified and + impressive as <i>Elijah</i>; but, while admitting the + excellence of this profit, we can't forget our loss in the + absence of Mr. SANTLEY. BEN MIO DAVIES sang the tenor music, + but apologised for having unfortunately got a pony on the + event,—that is, he had got a little hoarse during the + day. "BEN MIO" is—um—rather <i>troppo operatico</i> + for the oratorio. Mr. BARNBY bravely bâtoned, as usual. Bravo, + BARNBY! He goes on with the work because he likes it. Did he + not, he would say with the <i>General Bombastes</i>—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">"Give o'er! give o'er!</p> + + <p>For I will bâton on this tune no more."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Perhaps the quotation is not quite exact, but no matter, + all's well that ends well, as everyone said as they left.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yours truly,</p> + + <p>ALBERT HALL.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page244" + id="page244"></a>[pg 244]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. VII.—A BUCCANEER'S BLOOD-BATH.</h3> + + <h4><i>By</i> L.S. DEEVENSON, Author of "<i>Toldon + Dryland</i>," "<i>The White Heton</i>," "<i>Wentnap</i>," + "<i>Amiss with a Candletray</i>," "<i>An Outlandish Trip</i>," + "<i>A Travelled Donkey</i>," "<i>A Queer Fall on a Treacle + Slide</i>," "<i>The Old Persian Baronets</i>," &c., + &c., &c.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>[For some weeks before this Novel actually arrived, we + received by every post an immense consignment of + paragraphs, notices, and newspaper cuttings, all referring + to it in glowing terms. "This" observed the <i>Bi-weekly + Boomer</i>, "is, perhaps, the most brilliant effort of the + brilliant and versatile Author's genius. Humour and pathos + are inextricably blended in it. He sweeps with confident + finger over the whole gamut of human emotions, and moves us + equally to terror and to pity. Of the style, it is + sufficient to say that it is Mr. DEEVENSON's." The MS. of + the Novel itself came in a wrapper bearing the Samoan + post-mark.—ED. <i>Punch</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <p>I am a man stricken in years, and-well-nigh spent with + labour, yet it behoves that, for the public good, I should take + pen in hand, and set down the truth of those matters wherein I + played a part. And, indeed, it may befall that, when the tale + is put forth in print, the public may find it to their liking, + and buy it with no sparing hand, so that, at the last, the + payment shall be worthy of the labourer.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/244.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/244.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>I have never been gifted with what pedants miscall courage. + That extreme rashness of the temper which drives fools to their + destruction hath no place in my disposition. A shrinking + meekness under provocation, and a commendable absence of body + whenever blows fell thick, seemed always to me to be the better + part. And for this I have boldly endured many taunts. Yet it so + chanced that in my life I fell in with many to whom the cutting + of throats was but a moment's diversion. Nay, more, in most of + their astounding ventures I shared with them; I made one upon + their reckless forays; I was forced, sorely against my will, to + accompany them upon their stormy voyages, and to endure with + them their dangers; and there does not live one man, since all + of them are dead, and I alone survive, so well able as myself + to narrate these matters faithfully within the compass of a + single five-shilling volume.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>On a December evening of the year 17—, ten men sat + together in the parlour of "The Haunted Man." Without, upon the + desolate moorland, a windless stricture of frost had bound the + air as though in boards, but within, the tongues were loosened, + and the talk flowed merrily, and the clink of steaming tumblers + filled the room. Dr. DEADEYE sat with the rest at the long deal + table, puffing mightily at the brown old Broseley + church-warden, whom the heat and the comfort of his evening + meal had so far conquered, that he resented the doctor's + treatment of him only by an occasional splutter. For myself, I + sat where the warmth of the cheerful fire could reach my + chilled toes, close by the side of the good doctor. I was a + mere lad, and even now, as I search in my memory for these + long-forgotten scenes, I am prone to marvel at my own + heedlessness in thus affronting these lawless men. But, indeed, + I knew them not to be lawless, or I doubt not but that my + prudence had counselled me to withdraw ere the events befell + which I am now about to narrate.</p> + + <p>As I remember, the Doctor and Captain JAWKINS were seated + opposite to one another, and, as their wont was, they were in + high debate upon a question of navigation, on which the Doctor + held and expressed an emphatic opinion.</p> + + <p>"Never tell me," he said, with flaming aspect, "that the + common term, 'Port your helm,' implies aught but what a man, + not otherwise foolish, would gather from the word. Port means + port, and starboard is starboard, and all the d——d + sea-captains in the world cannot move me from that." With that + the Doctor beat his fist upon the table until the glasses + rattled again and glared into the Captain's weather-beaten + face.<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a> + <a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + + <p>"Hear the man," said the Captain—"hear him. A man + would think he had spent his days and nights upon the sea, + instead of mixing pills and powders all his life in a snuffy + village dispensary."</p> + + <p>The quarrel seemed like to be fierce, when a sudden sound + struck upon our ears, and stopped all tongues. I cannot call it + a song. Rather, it was like the moon-struck wailing of some + unhappy dog, low, and unearthly; and yet not that, either, for + there were words to it. That much we all heard distinctly.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Fifteen two and a pair make four,</p> + + <p>Two for his heels, and that makes six."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>We listened, awestruck, with blanched faces, scarce daring + to look at one another. For myself, I am bold to confess that I + crept under the sheltering table and hid my head in my hands. + Again the mournful notes were moaned forth—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Fifteen two and a pair make four,</p> + + <p>Two for his heels, and—"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>But ere it was ended, Captain JAWKINS had sprung forward, + and rushed into the further corner of the parlour. "I know that + voice," he cried aloud; "I know it amid a thousand!" And even + as he spoke, a strange light dispelled the shadows, and by its + rays we could see the crouching form of BILL BLUENOSE, with the + red seam across his face where the devil had long since done + his work.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>I had forgot to say that, as he ran, the Captain had drawn + his sword. In the confusion which followed on the discovery of + BLUENOSE, I could not rightly tell how each thing fell out; + indeed, from where I lay, with the men crowding together in + front of me, to see at all was no easy matter. But this I saw + clearly. The Captain stood in the corner, his blade raised to + strike. BLUENOSE never stirred, but his breath came and went, + and his eyelids blinked strangely, like the flutter of a sere + leaf against the wall. There came a roar of voices, and, in the + tumult, the Captain's sword flashed quickly, and fell. Then, + with a broken cry like a sheep's bleat, the great seamed face + fell separate from the body, and a fountain of blood rose into + the air from the severed neck, and splashed heavily upon the + sanded floor of the parlour.</p> + + <p>"Man, man!" cried the Doctor, angrily, "what have ye done? + Ye've kilt BLUENOSE, and with him goes our chance of the + treasure. But, maybe, it's not yet too late."</p> + + <p>So saying, he plucked the head from the floor and clapped it + again upon its shoulders. Then, drawing a long stick of + sealing-wax from his pocket, he held it well before the + Captain's ruddy face. The wax splattered and melted. The Doctor + applied it to the cut with deft fingers, and with a strange + condescension of manner in one so proud. My heart beat like a + bird's, both quick and little; and on a sudden BLUENOSE raised + his dripping hands, and in a quavering kind of voice piped + out—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Fifteen two and a pair make four."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>But we had heard too much, and the next moment we were + speeding with terror at our backs across the desert + moorland.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>You are to remember that when the events I have narrated + befell I was but a lad, and had a lad's horror of that which + smacked of the supernatural. As we ran, I must have fallen in a + swoon, for I remember nothing more until I found myself walking + with trembling feet through the policies of the ancient mansion + of Dearodear. By my side strode a young nobleman, whom I + straightway recognised as + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" + id="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span> the Master. His gallant + bearing and handsome face served but to conceal the black + heart that beat within his breast. He gazed at me with a + curious look in his eyes.</p> + + <p>"SQUARETOES, SQUARETOES," said he—it was thus he had + named me, and by that I knew that we were in Scotland, and that + my name was become MACKELLAR—"I have a mind to end your + prying and your lectures here where we stand."</p> + + <p>"End it," said I, with a boldness which seemed strange to me + even as I spoke; "end it, and where will you be? A penniless + beggar and an outcast."</p> + + <p>"The old fool speaks truly," he continued, kicking me twice + violently in the back, but otherwise ignoring my presence; "and + if I end him, who shall tell the story? Nay, SQUARETOES, let us + make a compact. I will play the villain, and brawl, and cheat, + and murder; you shall take notes of my actions, and, after I + have died dramatically in a North American forest, you shall + set up a stone to my memory, and publish the story. What say + you? Your hand upon it."</p> + + <p>Such was the fascination of the man that even then I could + not withstand him. Moreover, the measure of his misdeeds was + not yet full. My caution prevailed, and I gave him my hand.</p> + + <p>"Done!" said he; "and a very good bargain for you, + SQUARETOES!"</p> + + <p>Let the public, then, judge between me and the Master, since + of his house not one remains, and I alone may write the + tale.</p> + + <p>(To be continued.—Author.) THE END.—Ed. + <i>Punch</i>.</p> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p><i>Editor to Author</i>: "How did the glasses manage to + glare? It seems an odd proceeding for a glass. Answer + paid."</p> + + <p><i>Author to Editor</i>: "Don't be a fool. I meant the + Doctor—not the glasses."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p><i>The Children of the Castle</i>, by Mrs. MOLESWORTH + (published by MACMILLAN), will certainly be a favourite with + the children in the house. A quaintly pretty story of child + life and fairies, such as she can write so well, it is valuably + assisted with Illustrations by WALTER CRANE.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/245.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/245.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>GEORGE ROUTLEDGE evidently means to catch the youthful + book-worm's eye by the brilliancy of his bindings, but the + attraction will not stay there long, for the contents are equal + to the covers.</p> + + <p>These are days of reminiscences, so "<i>Bob," the Spotted + Terrier</i>, writes his own tale, or, wags it. Illustrations by + HARRISON WEIR. And here for the tiny ones, bless 'em, is <i>The + House that Jack Built</i>,—a paper book in actually the + very shape of the house he built! And then there's the + melancholy but moral tale of <i>Froggy would a-Wooing Go</i>. + "Recommended," says the Baron.</p> + + <p>Published by DEAN AND SON, who should call their publishing + establishment "The Deanery," is <i>The Doyle Fairy Book</i>, a + splendid collection of regular fairy lore; and the + Illustrations are by RICHARD DOYLE, which needs nothing + more.</p> + + <p><i>The Mistletoe Bough</i>, edited by M.E. BRADDON, is not + only very strong to send forth so many sprigs, but it is a + curious branch, as from each sprig hangs a tale. The first, by + the Editor and Authoress, <i>His Oldest Friends</i>, is + excellent.</p> + + <p><i>Flowers of The Hunt</i>, by FINCH MASON, published by + Messrs. FORES. Rather too spring-like a title for a sporting + book, as it suggests hunting for flowers. Sketchy and + amusing.</p> + + <p>HACHETTE AND CIE, getting ahead of Christmas, and neck and + neck with the New Year, issue a <i>Nouveau Calendrier + Perpéteul</i>, "<i>Les Amis Fidèles</i>," representing three + poodles, the first of which carries in his mouth the day of the + week, the second the day of the month, and the third the name + of the month. This design is quaint, and if not absolutely + original, is new in the combination and application. + Unfortunately it only suggests one period of the year, the + dog-days, but in 1892 this can be improved upon, and + amplified.</p> + + <p>No nursery would be complete without a <i>Chatterbox</i>, + and, as a reward to keep him quiet, <i>The Prize</i> would come + in useful. WELLS, DARTON, & GARDNER, can supply both of + them.</p> + + <p>F. WARNE has another Birthday-book, <i>Fortune's Mirror, Set + in Gems</i>, by M. HALFORD, with Illustrations by KATE + CRAUFORD. A novel idea of setting the mirror in the binding; + but, to find your fortune, you must look inside, and then you + will see what gem ought to be worn in the month of your + birth.</p> + + <p>WILLERT BEALE's <i>Light of Other Days</i> is most + interesting to those who, like the Baron, remember the latter + days of GRISI and MARIO, who can call to mind MARIO in <i>Les + Huguenots</i>, in <i>Trovatore</i>, in <i>Rigoletto</i>; and + GRISI in <i>Norma</i>, <i>Valentina</i>, <i>Fides</i>, + <i>Lucrezia</i>, and some others. It seems to me that the + centre of attraction in these two volumes is the history of + MARIO and GRISI on and off the stage; and the gem of all is the + simple narrative of Mrs. GODFREY PEARSE, their daughter, which + M. WILLERT BEALE has had the good taste to give + <i>verbatim</i>, with few notes or comments. To think that only + twenty years ago we lost GRISI, and that only nine years ago + MARIO died in Rome! Peace to them both! In Art they were a + glorious couple, and in their death our thoughts cannot divide + them. GRISI and MARIO, Queen and King of song, inseparable. I + have never looked upon their like again, and probably never + shall. My tribute to their memory is, to advise all those to + whom their memory is dear, and those to whom their memory is + but a tradition, to read these Reminiscences, of them and of + others, by WILLERT BEALE, in order to learn all they can about + this romantic couple, who, caring little for money, and + everything for their art, were united in life, in love, in + work, and, let us, <i>peccatores</i>, humbly hope, in death. + WILLERT BEALE has, in his Reminiscences, given us a greater + romance of real life than will be found in twenty volumes of + novels, by the most eminent authors. Yet all so naturally and + so simply told. At least so, with moist eyes, says your + tender-hearted critic,</p> + + <p>THE SYMPATHETIC BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>WIGS AND RADICALS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["As a protest against the acceptance by the Corporation + of Sunderland of robes, wigs, and cocked hats, for the + Mayor and Town Clerk, Mr. STOREY, M.P., has sent in his + resignation of the office of Alderman of that + body."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. Tell us what has chanced to-day, that STOREY + looks so sad.</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Why, there was a wig and a cocked hat offered + him, and he put it away with the back of his hand, thus; and + then the Sunderland Radicals fell a-shouting.</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. What was the second noise for?</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Why, for that too.</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. They shouted thrice—what was the last + cry for?</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Why, for that too—not to mention a + municipal robe.</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. Was the wig, &c, offered him thrice?</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Ay, marry, was it, and he put the things by + thrice, every time more savagely than before.</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. Who offered him the wig?</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Why, the Sunderland Municipality, of + course—stoopid!</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. Tell us the manner of it, gentle CASCA.</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. I can as well be hanged, as tell you. It was + mere foolery, I did not mark it. I saw the people offer a + cocked hat to him—yet 'twas not to him neither, because + he's only an Alderman, 'twas to the Mayor and Town + Clerk—and, as I told you, he put the things by thrice; + yet, to my thinking, had he been Mayor, he would fain have had + them. And the rabblement, of course, cheered such an exhibition + of stern Radical simplicity, and STOREY called the wig a + bauble, though, to my thinking, there's not much bauble about + it, and the cocked-hat he called a mediæval intrusion, though, + to my thinking, there were precious few cocked-hats in the + Middle Ages. Then he said he would no more serve as Alderman; + and the Mayor and the Town Clerk cried—"Alas, good + soul!"—and accepted his resignation with all their + hearts.</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. Then will not the Sunderland Town Hall miss + him?</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Not it, as I am a true man! There'll be a + STOREY the less on it, that's all. Farewell!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Not there, Not there, My Child!"</h3> + + <p>By some misadventure I was unable to attend the pianoforte + recital of Paddy REWSKI, the player from Irish Poland at the + St. James's Hall last Wednesday. Everybody much pleased, I'm + told. Glad to hear it. I was "Not there, not there, my child!" + But audience gratified—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"And Stalldom shrieked when Paddy REWSKI played,"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>as the Poet says, or something like it. I hear he made a + hit. The papers say he did, and if he didn't it's another + thumper, that's all.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"SO NO MAYER AT PRESENT FROM YOURS TRULY THE ENTREPRENEUR OF + THE FRENCH PLAYS, ST. JAMES'S THEATRE."—It is hard on the + indefatigable M. MAYER, but when Englishmen can so easily cross + the Channel, and so willingly brave the <i>mal-de-mer</i> for + the sake of a week in Paris, it is not likely that they will + patronise French theatricals in London, even for their own + linguistic and artistic improvement, or solely for the benefit + of the deserving and enterprising M. MAYER. Even if it be + <i>mal-de-mer</i> against <i>bien de Mayer</i>, an English + admirer of French acting would risk the former to get a week in + Paris. We are sorry 'tis so, but so 'tis.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"THE MAGAZINE RIFLE."—Is this invention patented by + the Editor of <i>The Review of Reviews</i>? Good title for the + Staff of that Magazine, "The Magazine Rifle Corps."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page246" + id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/246.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/246.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>UNNECESSARY CANDOUR.</h3> + + <p><i>Critic</i>. "BY JOVE, HOW ONE CHANGES! I'VE QUITE + CEASED TO ADMIRE THE KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO THINK SO + CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO; AND <i>VICE VERSÂ</i>!"</p> + + <p><i>Pictor</i>. "THAT'S AS IT <i>SHOULD</i> BE! IT SHOWS + PROGRESS, DEVELOPMENT! IT'S AN UNMISTAKABLE PROOF THAT + YOU'VE REACHED A HIGHER INTELLECTUAL AND ARTISTIC LEVEL, A + MORE ADVANCED STAGE OF CULTURE, A LOFTIER—"</p> + + <p><i>Critic</i>. "I'M GLAD YOU THINK SO, OLD MAN. BUT, + CONFOUND IT, YOU KNOW!—THE KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO + THINK SO CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO, HAPPENS TO BE + <i>YOURS</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Appeal's to Justice! Justice lendeth ear</p> + + <p>Unstirred by favour, unseduced by fear;</p> + + <p>And they who Justice love must check the thrill</p> + + <p>Of natural shame, and listen, and be still.</p> + + <p>These wrangling tales of horror shake the heart</p> + + <p>With pitiful disgust. Oh, glorious part</p> + + <p>For British manhood, much bepraised, to play</p> + + <p>In that dark land late touched by culture's day!</p> + + <p>Are these our Heroes pictured each by each?</p> + + <p>We fondly deemed that where our English speech</p> + + <p>Sounded, there English hearts, of mould humane.</p> + + <p>Justice would strengthen, cruelty restrain.</p> + + <p>And is it all a figment of false pride?</p> + + <p><i>Such</i> horrors do our vaunting annals hide</p> + + <p>Beneath a world of words, like flowers that wave</p> + + <p>In tropic swamps o'er a malarious grave?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These are the questions which perforce intrude</p> + + <p>As the long tale of horror coarse and crude,</p> + + <p>Rolls out its sickening chapters one by one.</p> + + <p>What will the verdict be when all is done?</p> + + <p>Conflicting counsels in loud chorus rise,</p> + + <p>"Hush the thing up!" the knowing cynic cries,</p> + + <p>"Arm not our chuckling enemies at gaze</p> + + <p>With charnel dust to foul our brightest bays!</p> + + <p>Let the dead past bury its tainted dead,</p> + + <p>Lest aliens at our 'heroes' wag the head."</p> + + <p>"Shocking! wails out the sentimentalist.</p> + + <p>Believe no tale unpleasant, scorn to list</p> + + <p>To slanderous charges on the British name!</p> + + <p>That brutish baseness, or that sordid shame</p> + + <p>Can touch 'our gallant fellows,' is a thing</p> + + <p>Incredible. Do not our poets sing,</p> + + <p>Our pressmen praise in dithyrambic prose,</p> + + <p>The 'lads' who win our worlds and face our foes?</p> + + <p>Who never, save to human pity, yield</p> + + <p>One step in wilderness or battlefield!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Meanwhile, with troubled eyes and straining + hands,</p> + + <p>Silent, attentive, thoughtful, Justice stands.</p> + + <p>To her alone let the appeal be made.</p> + + <p>Heroes, or merely tools of huckstering Trade,</p> + + <p>Men brave, though fallible, or sordid brutes,</p> + + <p>Let all be heard. Since each to each imputes</p> + + <p>Unmeasured baseness, <i>somewhere</i> the black + stain</p> + + <p>Must surely rest. The dead speak not, the slain</p> + + <p>Have not a voice, save such as that which spoke</p> + + <p>From ABEL's blood. Green laurels, or the stroke</p> + + <p>Of shame's swift scourge? There's the + alternative</p> + + <p>Before the lifted eyes of those who live.</p> + + <p>One fain would see the grass unstained that + waves</p> + + <p>In the dark Afric waste o'er those two graves.</p> + + <p>To Justice the protagonist makes appeal.</p> + + <p>Justice would wish him smirchless as her steel,</p> + + <p>But stands with steadfast eyes and unbowed head</p> + + <p>Silent—betwixt the Living and the Dead!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERA NOTES.</h2> + + <p>What's a Drama without a Moral, and what's <i>Rigoletto</i> + without a MAUREL, who was cast for the part, but who was too + indisposed to appear? So Signor GALASSI came and "played the + fool" instead, much to the satisfaction of all concerned, and + all were very much concerned about the illness or indisposition + of M. MAUREL. DIMITRESCO not particularly strong as the + <i>Dook</i>; but Mlle. STROMFELD came out well as <i>Gilda</i>, + and, being called, came out in excellent form in front of the + Curtain. Signor BEVIGNANI, beating time in Orchestra, and time + all the better for his beating.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"FOR THIS RELIEF MUCH THANKS."—The difficulties in The + City, which <i>Mr. Punch</i> represented in his Cartoon of + November 8, were by the <i>Times</i> of last Saturday publicly + acknowledged to be at an end. The adventurous mariners were + luckily able to rest on the Bank, and are now once more fairly + started. They will bear in mind the warning of the Old Lady of + Threadneedle Street, as given to the boys in the above + mentioned Cartoon.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page247" + id="page247"></a>[pg 247]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/247.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/247.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page249" + id="page249"></a>[pg 249]</span> + + <h2>AVENUE HUNCHBACK.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/249-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/249-1.png" + alt="" /></a>Mr. Punch applauding Master Walter George + Desmarets. + </div> + + <p>Of course there is nothing very new in the idea of a cripple + loving a beautiful maiden, while the beautiful maiden bestows + her affections on somebody else. SHERIDAN KNOWLES's Hunchback, + <i>Master Walter</i>, is an exception to Hunchbacks generally, + as he turns out to be the father, not the lover, of the leading + lady. It has remained for Mr. CARTON to give us in an original + three-act play a deformed hero, who has to sacrifice love to + duty, or, rather, to let self-abnegation triumph over the + gratification of self. This self-sacrificing part is admirably + played by Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, whose simple make-up for the + character is irreproachable. That something more can still be + made by him of the scene of his great temptation I feel sure, + and if he does this he will have developed several full leaves + from his already budding laurels, and, which is presently + important, he will have added another 100 nights to the + run.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/249-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/249-2.png" + alt="" /></a>Dr. Latimer at the Steak. Historical + subject treated in Act II. of <i>S. & S.</i> + </div> + + <p><i>Maud</i> (<i>without</i> the final "<i>e</i>") capitally + played by Miss MAUDE (<i>with</i> the final "E") MILLETT. (Why + didn't the author choose another name when this character was + cast to Miss MILLETT? Not surely for the sake of someone + saying, "Come into the garden"—eh? And the author has + already indulged his pungent humour by giving "<i>George</i>" + <i>Addis</i> to "GEORGE" ALEXANDER. Mistake.) This character of + <i>Maud</i> is a sketch of an utterly odious + girl,—odious, that is, at home, but fascinating no doubt, + away from the domestic circle. Is a sketch of such a character + worth the setting? How one pities the future Bamfield + <i>ménage</i>, when the unfortunate idiot <i>Bamfield</i>, well + represented by Mr. BEN WEBSTER, has married this flirting, + flighty, sharp-tongued, selfish little girl. To these two are + given some good, light, and bright comedy scenes, recalling to + the mind of the middle-aged playgoer the palmy days of what + used to be known as the Robertsonian "Tea-cup-and-saucer + Comedies," with dialogue, scarcely <i>fin de siècle</i> + perhaps, but pleasant to listen to, when spoken by Miss MAUDE + MILLETT, MISS TERRY, and Mr. BEN WEBSTER.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:44%;"> + <a href="images/249-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/249-3.png" + alt="" /></a>"The Shadow," but more like the + substance. Collapse of Mr. Yorke Stephens into the + arms of Miss Marrying Terry, on hearing the Shadow + exclaim, "Yorke (Stephens), you're wanted!" + </div> + + <p>In Miss MARION TERRY's <i>Helen</i>, the elder of the + Doctor's daughters, we have a charming type, nor could Mr. + NUTCOMBE GOULD's <i>Dr. Latimer</i> be improved upon as an + artistic performance where repose and perfectly natural + demeanour give a certain coherence and solidity to the entire + work. Mr. YORKE STEPHENS as <i>Mark Denzil</i> is too heavy, + and his manner conveys the impression that, at some time or + other, he will commit a crime, such, perhaps, as stealing the + money from the Doctor's desk; or, when this danger is past and + he hasn't done it, his still darkening, melodramatic manner + misleads the audience into supposing that in Act III, he will + make away with his objectionable wife, possess himself of the + two hundred pounds, and then, just at the moment when, with a + darkling scowl and a gleaming eye, he steps forward to claim + his affianced bride, <i>Scollick</i>, Mr. ALFRED HOLLES, + hitherto only known as the drunken gardener, will throw off his + disguise, and, to a burst of applause from an excited audience, + will say, "I arrest you for murder and robbery! and—I am + HAWKSHAW the Detective!!!" or words to this effect. In his + impersonation of <i>Mark Denzil</i> Mr. STEPHENS seems to have + attempted an imitation of the light and airy style of Mr. + ARTHUR STIRLING.</p> + + <p>The end of the Second Act is, to my thinking, a mistake in + dramatic art. Everyone of the audience knows that the woman who + has stolen the money is <i>Mark Denzil's</i> wife, and nobody + requires from <i>Denzil</i> himself oral confirmation of the + fact, much less do they want an interval of several + minutes,—it may be only seconds, but it seems + minutes,—before the Curtain descends, occupied only by + <i>Mark Denzil</i> imploring that his wife shall not be taken + before the magistrate and be charged with theft. This is an + anti-climax, weakening an otherwise effective situation, as the + immediate result of this scene could easily be given in a + couple of sentences of dialogue at the commencement of the last + Act. It is this fault, far more than the unpruned passages of + dialogue, that makes this interesting and well acted play + <i>seem</i> too long—at least, such is the honest opinion + of A FRIEND IN FRONT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BURDEN OF BACILLUS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is there no one to protect us, is existence then a + sin,</p> + + <p>That we're worried here in London and in Paris and + Berlin?</p> + + <p>We would live at peace with all men, but "Destroy + them!" is the cry,</p> + + <p>Physiological assassins are not happy till we + die.</p> + + <p>With the rights of man acknowledged, can you wonder + that we squirm</p> + + <p>At the endless persecution of the much-maltreated + germ.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We are ta'en from home and hearthstone, from the + newly-wedded bride,</p> + + <p>To be looked at by cold optics on a microscopic + slide;</p> + + <p>We are boiled and stewed together, and they never + think it hurts;</p> + + <p>We're injected into rabbits by those hypodermic + squirts:</p> + + <p>Never safe, although so very insignificant in + size,</p> + + <p>There's no peace for poor Bacillus, so it seems, + until he dies.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is strange to think how men lived in the days of + long ago,</p> + + <p>When the fact of our existence they had never + chanced to know.</p> + + <p>If the scientific ghouls are right who hunt us to + the death,</p> + + <p>Those who came before them surely had expired ere + they drew breath:</p> + + <p>We were there in those old ages, thriving in our + youthful bloom;</p> + + <p>Then there was no KOCH or PASTEUR bent on compassing + our doom.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Men humanity are preaching, and philanthropists + elate</p> + + <p>Point out he who injures horses shall be punished by + the State;</p> + + <p>Dogs are carefully protected, likewise the domestic + cats,</p> + + <p>Possibly kind-hearted people would not draw the line + at rats:</p> + + <p>If all that be right and proper, why then persecute + and kill us?</p> + + <p>Lo! the age's foremost martyr is the vilified + Bacillus!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WALK UP!</h3> + + <p>As far as Vigo Street, and see Mr. NETTLESHIP's Wild Beast + Show at the sign of "The Rembrandt Head." Here are Wild Animals + to be seen done from the life, and to the life; tawny lions, + sleepy bears, flapping vultures, and eagles, and brilliant + macaws—all in excellent condition. Observe the "Lion + roaring" at No. 28, and the "Ibis flying" with the sunlight on + his big white wings against a deep blue sky, No. 36. All these + Wild Animals can be safely guaranteed as pleasant and agreeable + companions to live with, and so, judging from certain labels on + the frames, the British picture-buyer has already discovered. + Poor Mr. NETTLESHIP's Menagerie will return to him shorn of its + finest specimens—that is, if he ever sees any of them + back at all.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page250" + id="page250"></a>[pg 250]</span> + + <h2>IN OUR GARDEN.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:48%;"> + <a href="images/250.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/250.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>It has occurred to me in looking back over these + unpremeditated notes, that if by any chance they came to be + published, the public might gain the impression that the Member + for SARK and I did all the work of the Garden, whilst our hired + man looked on. SARK, to whom I have put the case, says that is + precisely it. But I do not agree with him. We have, as I have + already explained, undertaken this new responsibility from a + desire to preserve health and strength useful to our QUEEN and + Country. Therefore we, as ARPACHSHAD says, potter about the + Garden, get in each other's way, and in his; that is to say, we + are out working pretty well all day, with inadequate intervals + for meals.</p> + + <p>ARPACHSHAD, to do him justice, is most anxious not to + interfere with our project by unduly taking labour on himself. + When we are shifting earth, and as we shift it backwards and + forwards there is a good deal to be done in that way, he is + quite content to walk by the side, or in front of the barrow, + whilst SARK wheels it, and I walk behind, picking up any bits + that have shaken out of the vehicle. (Earth trodden into the + gravel-walk would militate against its efficiency.) But of + course ARPACHSHAD is, in the terms of his contract, "a working + gardener," and I see that he works.</p> + + <p>At the same time it must be admitted that he does not + display any eagerness in engaging himself, nor does he rapidly + and energetically carry out little tasks which are set him. + There are, for example, the sods about the trees in the + orchard. He says it's very bad for the trees to have the sods + close up to their trunks. There should be a small space of open + ground. ARPACHSHAD thought that perhaps "the gents," as he + calls us, would enjoy digging a clear space round the trees. We + thought we would, and set to work. But SARK having woefully + hacked the stem of a young apple-tree (<i>Lord Suffield</i>) + and I having laboriously and carefully cut away the entire + network of the roots of a damson-tree, under the impression + that it was a weed, it was decided that ARPACHSHAD had better + do this skilled labour. We will attain to it by-and-by.</p> + + <p>ARPACHSHAD has now been engaged on the work for a fortnight, + and I think it will carry him on into the spring. The way he + walks round the harmless apple-tree before cautiously putting + in the spade, is very impressive. Having dug three exceedingly + small sods, he packs them in a basket, and then, with a great + sigh, heaves it on to his shoulder, and walks off to store the + sods by the potting-shed. Anything more solemn than his walk, + more depressing than his mien, has not been seen outside a + churchyard. If he were burying the child of his old age, he + could not look more cut up. SARK, who, probably owing to + personal associations, is beginning to develop some sense of + humour, walked by the side of him this morning whistling + "<i>The Dead March in Saul</i>."</p> + + <p>The effect was unexpected and embarrassing. ARPACHSHAD + slowly relieved himself of the burden of the three sods, + dropped them on the ground with a disproportionate thud, and, + producing a large pocket-handkerchief, whose variegated and + brilliant colours were, happily, dimmed by a month's use, + mopped his eyes.</p> + + <p>"You'll excuse <i>me</i>, gents," he snuffled, "but I never + hear that there tune, '<i>Rule Britanny</i>,' whistled or sung + but I think of the time when I went down to see my son off from + Portsmouth for the Crimee, '<i>Rule Britanny</i>' was the tune + they played when he walked proudly aboard. He was in all the + battles, Almy, Inkerman, Ballyklaver, Seringapatam, and + Sebastopol."</p> + + <p>"And was he killed?" asked the Member for SARK, making as + though he would help ARPACHSHAD with the basket on to his + shoulder again.</p> + + <p>"No," said ARPACHSHAD, overlooking the attention—"he + lived to come home; and last week he rode in the Lord Mayor's + coach through the streets of London, with all his medals on. + Five shillings for the day, and a good blow-out, presided over + by Mr. AUGUSTIN HARRIS, in his Sheriff's Cloak and Chain at the + 'Plough-and-Thunder,' in the Barbican."</p> + + <p>HARTINGTON came down to see us to-day. Mentioned ARPACHSHAD, + and his natural indisposition to hurry himself.</p> + + <p>"Why should he?" asked HARTINGTON, yawning, as he leaned + over the fence. "What's the use, as Whosthis says, of ever + climbing up the climbing wave? I can't understand how you + fellows go about here with your shirt-sleeves turned up, + bustling along as if you hadn't a minute to spare. It's just + the same in the House; bustle everywhere; everybody straining + and pushing—everybody but me."</p> + + <p>"Well," said SARK, "but you've been up in Scotland, making + quite a lot of speeches. Just as if you were Mr. G. + himself."</p> + + <p>"Yes," said HARTINGTON, looking admiringly at ARPACHSHAD, + who had taken off his coat, and was carefully folding it up, + preparatory to overtaking a snail, whose upward march on a + peach-tree his keen eye had noted; "but that wasn't my fault. I + was dragged into it against my will. It came about this way. + Months ago, when Mr. G.'s tour was settled, they said nothing + would do but that I must follow him over the same ground, + speech by speech. If it had been to take place in the next day + or two, or in the next week, I would have plumply said No. But, + you see, it was a long way off. No one could say what might not + happen in the interval. If I'd said No, they would have worried + me week after week. If I said Yes, at least I wouldn't be bored + on the matter for a month or two. So I consented, and, when the + time came, I had to put in an appearance. But I mean to cut the + whole business. Shall take a Garden, like you and SARK, only it + shall be a place to lounge in, not to work in. Should like to + have a fellow like your ARPACHSHAD; soothing and comforting to + see him going about his work."</p> + + <p>"I suppose you'll take a partner?" I asked. "Hope you'll get + one more satisfactory than SARK has proved."</p> + + <p>HARTINGTON blushed a rosy red at this reference to a + partner. Didn't know he was so sensitive on account of SARK; + abruptly changed subject.</p> + + <p>"Fact is, TOBY," he said, "I hate politics; always been + dragged into them by one man or another. First it was BRIGHT; + then Mr. G.; now the MARKISS is always at me, making out that + chaos will come if I don't stick at my place in the House + during the Session, and occasionally go about country making + speeches in the recess. Wouldn't mind the House if seats were + more comfortable. Can sleep there pretty well for twenty + minutes before dinner; but nothing to rest your head against; + back falls your head; off goes your hat; and then those Radical + fellows grin. I could stand politics better if Front Opposition + Bench or Treasury Bench were constructed on principle of family + pews in country churches. Get a decent quiet corner, and there + you are. In any new Reformed Parliament hope they'll think of + it; though it doesn't matter much to me. I'm going to cut it. + Done my share; been abused now all round the Party circle. + Conservatives, Whigs, Liberals, Radicals, Irish Members, Scotch + and Welsh, each alternately have praised and belaboured me. My + old enemies now my closest friends. Old friends look at me + askance. It's a poor business. I never liked it, never had + anything to get out of it, and you'll see presently that I'll + give it up. Don't you suppose, TOBY my boy, that you shall keep + the monopoly of retirement. I'll find a partner, peradventure + an ARPACHSHAD, and we'll all live happily for the rest of our + life."</p> + + <p>With his right hand thrust in his trouser-pocket, his left + swinging loosely at his side, and his hat low over his brow, + HARTINGTON lounged off till his tall figure was lost in the + gloaming.</p> + + <p>"That's the man for <i>my</i> money," said ARPACHSHAD, + looking with growing discontent at the Member for SARK, who, + with the only blade left in his tortoiseshell-handled penknife, + was diligently digging weeds out of the walk.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>In the Club Smoking-Room.</h3> + + <p>"Lux Mundi," said somebody, reading aloud the title heading + a lengthy criticism in the <i>Times</i>.</p> + + <p>"Don't know so much about that," observed a sporting and + superstitious young man; "but I know that '<i>Ill luck's + Friday</i>.'"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page251" + id="page251"></a>[pg 251]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/251.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/251.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HIGHER EDUCATION.</h3><i>Mr. Punch</i>. "THAT'S ALL + VERY WELL, BUT IT'S TOO DULL. LET THEM HAVE A LITTLE + SUNSHINE, OR THEY WILL NEVER FOLLOW YOU." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page252" + id="page252"></a>[pg 252]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/252.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/252.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A POSER.</h3> + + <p><i>Fair Client</i>. "I'M ALWAYS PHOTOGRAPHED FROM THE + SAME SIDE, BUT I FORGET WHICH!"</p> + + <p><i>Scotch Photographer</i> (<i>reflectively</i>). "WELL, + IT'LL NO BE <i>THIS</i> SIDE, I'M THINKIN'. MAYBE IT'S + T'ITHER!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h2> + + <p>Yes, quite so. It's a very good excuse! Whenever I do not + turn up when I am expected, my children say, "Pa's about + pictures." It's just the same as a doctor, when he forgets to + keep an appointment, says, "he has unexpectedly been called + out." Yah! <i>I'd</i> call some of 'em out if I had the chance. + I took French leave the other day, and went to the French + Gallery, expecting to see sketches in French chalk, or studies + in French grey. Nothing of the kind! Mr. WALLIS will have his + little joke. The main part of the exhibition is essentially + English, and so I found my Parisian accent was entirely thrown + away. If it had only been Scotch, I could have said something + about the "Scots wha hae wi' WALLIS," but I didn't have even + that chance. Too bad, though, the show is a good one. "English, + you know, quite English." Lots of good landscapes by LEADER, + bright, fresh, breezy. Young painters should "follow their + Leader," and they can't go very far wrong. I would write a + leader on the subject, and introduce something about the + land-scape-goat, only I know it would be cut out. Being very + busy, sent Young Par to see Miss CHARLOTTE ROBINSON's + Exhibition of Screens. He behaved badly. Instead of looking at + matters in a serious light, he seemed to look upon the whole + affair as a "screening farce," and began to sing—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here screens of all kinds you may see,</p> + + <p>Designed most ar-tist-<i>tic</i>-a-lee,</p> + + <p>In exquisite va-ri-e-tee,</p> + + <p class="i2">By clever CHARLOTTE ROBINSON!</p> + + <p>They'll screen you from the bitter breeze,</p> + + <p>They'll screen you when you take your teas,</p> + + <p>They'll screen you when you flirt with + shes—</p> + + <p class="i2">Delightful CHARLOTTE ROBINSON!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>He then folded his arms, and began to sing, "with my + riddle-ol, de riddle-ol, de ri, de O," danced a hornpipe all + over the place, broke several valuable pieces of furniture, and + was removed in charge of the police. And this is the boy that + was to be a comfort to me in my old age!</p> + + <p>Yours parabolically, OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Novel praise from the <i>D.T.</i> for the Lord Mayor's Show, + during a pause for lunch:—"It is so quaint, so bright, so + thoroughly un-English." The Lord Mayor's Show "So Un-English, + you know"! Then, indeed have we arrived at the end of the + ancient <i>al-fresco</i> spectacle.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN A HOLE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Brief Imperial Tragi-Comedy, in Two Acts, in Active + Rehearsal.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Well, if it comes to fighting, we should be just in a + hole."—<i>A Linesman's Opinion of the New Rifle, from + Conversation in Daily Paper.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h3>ACT I.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Public Place in Time of Peace.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. Britannia</i> (<i>receiving a highly finished and + improved newly constructed scientific weapon from cautious and + circumspect Head of Department</i>). And so this is the new + Magazine Rifle?</p> + + <p><i>Head of Department</i> (<i>in a tone of quiet and + self-satisfied triumph</i>). It is, Madam.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Britannia</i>. And I may take your word for it, that + it is a weapon I can with confidence place in the hands of my + soldiers.</p> + + <p><i>Head of Department</i>. You may, Madam. Excellent as has + been all the work turned out by the Department I have the + honour to represent, I think I may fairly claim this as our + greatest achievement. No less than nine firms have been + employed in its construction, and I am proud to say that in one + of the principal portions of its intricate mechanism, fully + seven-and-thirty different parts, united by microscopic screws, + are employed in the adjustment. But allow me to explain. + [<i>Does so, giving an elaborate and confusing account of the + construction, showing that, without the greatest care, and + strictest attention to a series of minute precautions on the + part of the soldier, the weapon is likely to get suddenly out + of order, and prove worse than useless in action. This, + however, he artfully glides over in his description, minimising + all its possible defects, and finally insisting that no power + in Europe has turned out such a handy, powerful, and + serviceable rifle</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Britannia</i>. Ah, well, I don't profess to + understand the practical working of the weapon. But I have + trusted you implicitly to provide me with a good one, and this + being, as you tell me, what I want, I herewith place it the + hands of my Army. (<i>Presents the rifle to</i> TOMMY ATKINS.) + Here, ATKINS, take your rifle, and I hope you'll know how to + use it.</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>with a broad grin</i>). Thank'ee, + Ma'am. I hope I shall, for I shall be in a precious 'ole if I + don't.</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[<i>Flourish of newspaper articles, general + congratulatory chorus on all sides, as Act-drop + descends.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h3>ACT II.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p><i>A Battle-field in time of War. Enter</i> TOMMY ATKINS + <i>with his rifle. In the interval, since the close of the + last Act, he is supposed to have been thoroughly instructed + in its proper use, and, though on one or two occasions, + owing to disregard of some trifling precaution, he has + found it "jam," still, in the leisure of the + practice-field, he has been generally able to get it right + again, and put it in workable order. He is now hurrying + along in all the excitement of battle, and in face of the + enemy, of whom a batch appear on the horizon in front of + him, when the word is given to "fire."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>endeavours to execute the order, but + he finds something "stuck," and his rifle refuses to go + off.</i>) Dang it! What's the matter with the beastly thing! + It's that there bolt that's caught agin' (<i>thumps it + furiously in his excitement and makes matters worse.</i>) Dang + the blooming thing; I can't make it go. (<i>Vainly endeavours + to recall some directions, committed in calmer moments, to + memory.</i>) Drop the bolt? No! that ain't it. Loose this 'ere + pin (<i>tugs frantically at a portion of the mechanism.</i>) + 'Ang me if I can make it go! (<i>Removes a pin which suddenly + releases the magazine</i>), well, I've done it now and no + mistake. Might as well send one to fight with a broomstick. + (<i>A shell explodes just behind him.</i>) Well, <i>I am in a + 'ole</i> and no mistake. [<i>Battle proceeds with results as + Act-drop falls.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h3>OLD FRENCH SAW RE-SET.—From <i>The Standard</i>, + November 14:—</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The duel between M. DÉROULÈDE and M. LAGUERRE occurred + yesterday morning in the neighbourhood of Charleroi, in + Belgium. Four shots were exchanged without any result. On + returning to Charleroi the combatants and their seconds + were arrested."</p> + + <p>"<i>C'est Laguerre, mais ce n'est pas + magnifique.</i>"</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12737 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12737-h/images/241.png b/12737-h/images/241.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5fd9206 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/241.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/242.png b/12737-h/images/242.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3fffbfc --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/242.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/243.png b/12737-h/images/243.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d99dc01 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/243.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/244.png b/12737-h/images/244.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7889915 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/244.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/245.png b/12737-h/images/245.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dce8186 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/245.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/246.png b/12737-h/images/246.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dcec2e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/246.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/247.png b/12737-h/images/247.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ba1648 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/247.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/249-1.png b/12737-h/images/249-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a99de5 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/249-1.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/249-2.png b/12737-h/images/249-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b355936 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/249-2.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/249-3.png b/12737-h/images/249-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..df24bc0 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/249-3.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/250.png b/12737-h/images/250.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..372c3e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/250.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/251.png b/12737-h/images/251.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f6ca691 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/251.png diff --git a/12737-h/images/252.png b/12737-h/images/252.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bba65a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/12737-h/images/252.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7bb3831 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12737 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12737) diff --git a/old/12737-8.txt b/old/12737-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..04fe35c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12737-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1766 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., +Nov. 22, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., Nov. 22, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 25, 2004 [EBook #12737] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +November 22, 1890. + + + + +[Illustration: DOUBLING THE PART. + +_Mr. S.B. B-ncr-ft, having retired from the Stage, thinks of taking to +the Booth._ "'WHEN THE CUE COMES, CALL ME.' AW!--VERY LIKE HIM--VERY!" + +[One day last week Mr. S.B. BANCROFT wrote to the _Daily Telegraph_, +saying, that so struck was he by "General" BOOTH's scheme for +relieving everybody generally--of course "generally"--that he wished +at once to relieve himself of £1000, if he could only find out +ninety-and-nine other sheep in the wilderness of London to follow his +example, and consent to be shorn of a similar amount. Send your cheque +to 85, Fleet Street, and we'll undertake to use it for the benefit of +most deserving objects.]] + + * * * * * + +A GOOD-NATURED TEMPEST. + +It was stated in the _Echo_ that, during the late storm, a brig +"brought into Dover harbour two men, with their ribs and arms broken +by a squall off Beachy Head. The deck-house and steering-gear were +carried away, and the men taken to Dover Hospital." Who shall say, +after this, that storms do not temper severity with kindness? This +particular one, it is true, broke some ribs and arms, and carried away +portions of a brig, but, in the very act of doing this, it took the +sufferers, and laid them, apparently, on the steps of Dover Hospital. +If we must have storms, may they all imitate this motherly example. + + * * * * * + +"WHAT A WONDERFUL BO-OY!"--In the _Head-Master's Guide_ for November, +in the list of applicants for Masterships, appears a gentleman who +offers to teach Mathematics, Euclid, Arithmetic, Algebra, Natural +Science, History, Geography, Book-keeping, French Grammar, Freehand, +and Perspective Drawing, the Piano, the Organ, and the Harmonium, and +Singing, for the modest salary of £20 a-year without a residence! But +it is only just to add; that this person seems to be of marvellous +origin, for although he admits extreme youth (he says he is _only +three years of age!_) he boasts ten years of experience! _O si sic +omnes_! So wise, so young, so cheap! + + * * * * * + +If spectacular effects are worth remembering, then Sheriff DRURIOLANUS +ought to be a member of the Spectacle-makers' Company. + + * * * * * + +ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND. + +(_ON THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER._) + + ["Our difficulties are such as these--that America has + instituted a vast system of prohibitive tariffs, mainly, + I believe, because ... American pigs do not receive proper + treatment at the hands of Europe.... If we have any difficulty + with our good neighbours in France, it is because of + that unintelligent animal the lobster; and if we have any + difficulty with our good neighbours in America, it is because + of that not very much nobler animal, the seal."--_Lord + Salisbury at the Mansion House_.] + +The Real Turtle sang this, very slowly, and sadly:-- + + "We are getting quite important," said the Porker to the Seal, + "For we're 'European Questions,' as a Premier seems to feel. + See the 'unintelligent' Lobster, even he, makes an advance! + Oh, we lead the Politicians of the earth a pretty dance. + Will you, won't you, Yankee Doodle, England, and gay France. + Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, let _us_ lead the dance? + + "You can really have no notion how delightful it will be, + When they take _us_ up as matters of the High Diplomacee." + But the Seal replied, "They brain us!" and he gave a look askance + At the goggle-eyed mailed Lobster, who was loved (and boiled) by France. + "Would they, could they, would they, could they, give us half a chance? + Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals all suffer, Commerce to advance!" + + "What matters it how grand we are!" his plated friend replied, + If our destiny is Salad, or the Sausage boiled or fried? + Though we breed strife 'twixt England, and America, and France, + If we're chopped up, or boiled, or brained where is _our_ great advance? + Will you, won't you, will you, won't you chuck away a chance + Of peace in pig-stye, or at sea, to play the game of France?" + +"Thank you, it's a very amusing dance--_to watch_," said ALICE, +feeling very glad that she had not to stand up in it. + +"You may not have lived much under the Sea" (said the Real Turtle) +("I haven't," said ALICE), "and perhaps you were never introduced to +a Lobster--" (ALICE began to say "I once tasted--" but checked herself +hastily, and said, "No, never"),--"So you can have no idea what a +delightful dance a (Diplomatic) Lobster Quadrille is!" + +"I dare say not," said ALICE. + +"Stand up and repeat '_'Tis the Voice of the Premier_,'" said the +Griffin. + +ALICE got up and began to repeat it, but her head was so full of +Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals, that she hardly knew what she was saying, +and the words came very queer indeed:-- + + "'Tis the voice of the Premier; I heard him complain + On the Ninth of November all prophecy's vain. + I _must_ make some sort of a speech, I suppose. + Dear DIZZY (who led the whole world by the nose) + Said the world heard, for once, on this day, 'Truth and Sense' + (_I.e._ neatly phrased Make-believe and Pretence), + But when GLADDY's 'tide' rises, and lost seats abound, + One's voice has a cautious and timorous sound." + +"I've heard this sort of thing so often before," said the Real Turtle; +"but it sounds uncommon nonsense. Go on with the next verse." + +ALICE did not dare disobey, though she felt sure it would all come +wrong, and she went on in a trembling voice:-- + + "I passed by the Session, and marked, by the way, + How the Lion and Eagles would share Af-ri-ca. + How the peoples, at peace, were not shooting with lead, + But bethumping each other with Tariffs instead, + How the Eight Hours' Bill, on which BURNS was so sweet, + Was (like bye-elections) a snare and a cheat; + How the Lobster, the Pig, and the Seal, I would say + At my sixth Lord Mayor's Banquet--" + +"What _is_ the use of repeating all that stuff," the Real Turtle +interrupted, "if you don't explain it as you go on? It's by far the +most confusing thing _I_ ever heard!" + +"Yes, I think you'd better leave off," said the Griffin; and ALICE was +only too glad to do so. + + * * * * * + +GAMES.--It being the season of burglaries, E. WOLF AND SON--("WOLF," +most appropriate name,--but _Wolf and Moon_ would have been still +better than WOLF AND SON)--take the auspicious time to bring out their +new game of "Burglar and Bobbies." On a sort of draught-board, so +that both Burglar and Bobby play "on the square," which is in itself a +novelty. The thief may be caught in thirteen moves. This won't do. We +want him to be caught before he moves at all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEW EDITION OF "ROBA DI 'ROMER.'" + +_With Mr. Punch's sincere congratulations to his Old Friend the New +Judge._] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT A SALE OF HIGH-CLASS SCULPTURE. + + SCENE--An upper floor in a City Warehouse; a low, whitewashed + room, dimly lighted by dusty windows and two gas-burners in + wire cages. Around the walls are ranged several statues of + meek aspect, but securely confined in wooden cases, like a + sort of marble menagerie. In the centre, a labyrinthine grove + of pedestals, surmounted by busts, groups, and statuettes + by modern Italian masters. About these pedestals a small + crowd--consisting of Elderly Merchants on the look out for a + "neat thing in statuary" for the conservatory at Croydon or + Muswell Hill, Young City Men who have dropped in after lunch, + Disinterested Dealers, Upholsterers' Buyers, Obliging Brokers, + and Grubby and Mysterious men--is cautiously circulating. + +_Obliging Broker_ (_to Amiable Spectator, who has come in out +of curiosity, and without the remotest intention of purchasing +sculpture_). _No_ Catlog, Sir? 'Ere, allow me to orfer you +mine--that's _my_ name in pencil on the top of it, Sir; and, if you +_should_ 'appen to see any lot that takes your fancy, you jest ketch +my eye. (_Reassuringly._) I shan't be fur off. Or look 'ere, gimme a +nudge--_I_ shall know what it means. + + [_The A.S. thanks him profusely, and edges away with an + inward vow to avoid his and the Auctioneer's eyes, as he + would those of a basilisk._ + +_Auctioneer_ (_from desk, with the usual perfunctory fervour_). Lot +13, Gentlemen, very charming pair of subjects from child life--"_The +Pricked Finger_" and "_The Scratched Toe_"--by BIMBI. + +_A Stolid Assistant_ (_in shirtsleeves_). Figgers _'ere_, Gen'lm'n! + + [_Languid surge of crowd towards them._ + +_A Facetious Bidder_. Which of 'em's the finger, and which the toe? + +_Auct._ (_coldly_). I should have thought it was easy to identify +by the attitude. Now, Gentlemen, give me a bidding for these very +finely-executed works by BIMBI. Make any offer. What will you give me +for 'em? Both very sweet things, Gentlemen. Shall we say ten guineas? + +_A Grubby Man_. Give yer five. + +_Auct._ (_with grieved resignation_). Very well, start 'em at five. +Any advance on five? (_To_ Assist.) Turn 'em round, to show the back +view. And a 'arf! Six! And a 'arf! Only six and a 'arf bid for this +beautiful pair of figures, done direct from nature by BIMBI. Come, +Gentlemen, come! Seven! Was that _you_, Mr. GRIMES? (_The Grubby Man +admits the soft impeachment._) Seven and a 'arf. Eight! It's _against_ +you. + +_Mr. Grimes_ (_with a supreme effort_). Two-and-six! + + [_Mops his brow with a red cotton handkerchief._ + +_Auct._ (_in a tone of gratitude for the smallest mercies_). +Eight-ten-six. All done at eight-ten-six? Going ... gone! GRIMES, +Eight, ten, six. Take money for 'em. Now we come to a very 'andsome +work by PIFFALINI--"_The Ocarina Player_," one of this great artist's +masterpieces, and an exceedingly choice and high-class work, as you +will all agree directly you see it. (_To Assist._) Now, then, Lot 14, +there--look sharp! + +_Stolid Assist._ "Hocarina Plier," eyn't arrived, Sir. + +_Auct._ Oh, hasn't it? Very well, then. Lot 15. "_The Pretty +Pill-taker_," by ANTONIO BILIO--a really magnificent work of Art, +Gentlemen. (_"Pill-taker, 'ere!" from the S.A._) What'll you give +me for her? Come, make me an offer. (_Bidding proceeds till the +"Pill-taker" is knocked down for twenty-three-and-a-half guineas._) +Lot 16, "_The Mixture as Before_," by same artist--make a charming +and suitable companion to the last lot. What do you say, Mr. +MIDDLEMAN--take it at the same bidding? (Mr. M. _assents, with the +end of one eyebrow._) Any advance on twenty-three and a 'arf? None? +Then.--MIDDLEMAN, Twenty-four, thirteen, six. + +_Mr. Middleman_ (_to the Amiable Spectator, who has been vaguely +inspecting the "Pill-taker."_) Don't know if you noticed it, Sir, but +I got that last couple very cheap--on'y forty-seven guineas the pair, +and they are worth eighty, I solemnly declare to you. I could get +forty a-piece for 'em to-morrow, upon my word and honour, I could. Ah, +and I know who'd _give_ it me for 'em, too! + +_The A.S._ (_sympathetically_). Dear me, then you've done very well +over it. + +_Mr. M._ Ah, well ain't the word--and those two aren't the only lots +I've got either. That "_Sandwich-Man_" over there is mine--look at +the work in those boards, and the nature in his clay pipe; and "_The +Boot-Black_," that's mine, too--all worth twice what _I_ got 'em +for--and lovely things, too, ain't they? + +_The A.S._ Oh, very nice, very clever--congratulate you, I'm sure. + +_Mr. M._ I can see you've took a fancy to 'em, Sir, and, when I come +across a gentleman that's a connysewer, I'm always sorry to stand +in his light; so, see here, you can have any one you like out o' my +little lot, or all on 'em, with all the pleasure in the wide world, +Sir, and I'll on'y charge you five per cent. on what I gave for 'em. +and be exceedingly obliged to you, into the bargain, Sir. (_The A.S. +feebly disclaims any desire to take advantage of this magnanimous +offer._) Don't say No, if you mean Yes, Sir. Will you _'ave_ the +"_Pill-taker_," Sir? + +_The A.S._ (_politely_). Thank you very much, but--er--I think _not_. + +_Mr. M._ Then perhaps you could do with "_The Little Boot-Black_," or +"_The Sandwich-Man_," Sir? + +_The A.S._ Perhaps--but I could do still better _without_ them. + + [_He moves to another part of the room._ + +_The Obl. Broker_ (_whispering beerily in his ear_). Seen anythink yet +as takes your fancy, Sir; 'cos, if so-- + + [_The A.S. escapes to a dark corner--where he is warmly + welcomed by Mr. MIDDLEMAN._ + +_Mr. M._ _Knew_ you'd think better on it, Sir. Now which is it to +be--the "_Boot-Black_," or "_Mixture as Before_"? + +_Auct._ Now we come to Lot 19. Massive fluted column in coral marble +with revolving-top--a column, Gentlemen, which will speak for itself. + +_The Facetious Bidder_ (_after a scrutiny_). Then it may as well +mention, while it's _about_ it, that it's got a bit out of its back! + +_Auct._ Flaw in the marble, that's all. (_To Assist._) Nothing the +_matter_ with the column, is there? + +_Assist._ (_with reluctant candour_). Well, it _'as_ got a little +chipped, Sir. + +_Auct._ (_easily_). Oh, very well then, we'll sell it "A.F." Very glad +it was found out in time, I'm sure. + + [_Bidding proceeds._ + +_First Dealer to Second_ (_in a husky whisper_). Talkin' o' Old +Masters, I put young 'ANWAY up to a good thing the other day. + +_Second D._ (_without surprise--probably from a knowledge of his +friend's noble, unselfish nature_). Ah--'ow was that? + +_First D._ Well, there was a picter as I 'appened to know could be got +in for a deal under what it ought--in good 'ands, mind yer--to fetch. +It was a Morlan'--leastwise, it was so like you couldn't ha' told +the difference, if you understand my meanin'. (_The other nods with +complete intelligence._) Well, I 'adn't no openin' for it myself just +then, so I sez to young 'ANWAY, "You might do worse than go and 'ave +a _look_ at it," I told him. And I run against him yesterday, Wardour +Street way, and I sez, "Did yer go and _see_ that picter?" "Yes," sez +he, "and what's more, I got it at pretty much my own figger, too!" +"Well," sez I, "and ain't yer goin' to _shake 'ands with me over it_?" + +_Second D._ (_interested_). And _did_ he? + +_First D._ Yes, he did--he beyaved very fair over the matter, I will +say _that_ for him. + +_Second D._ Oh, 'ANWAY's a very decent little feller--_now_. + +_Auct._ (_hopefully_). Now, Gentlemen, this next lot'll tempt you, +_I_'m sure! Lot 33, a magnificent and very finely executed dramatic +group out of the "_Merchant of Venice_," _Othello_ in the act of +smothering _Desdemona_, both nearly life-size. (_Assist., with a +sardonic inflection._ "_Group_ 'ere, _Gen'lm'n!_") What shall we say +for this great work by ROCCOCIPPI, Gentlemen? A hundred guineas, just +to start us? + +_The F.B._ Can't you put the two figgers up separate? + +_Auct._ You know better than that--being a group, Sir. Come, come, +anyone give me a hundred for this magnificent marble group! The figure +of _Othello_ very finely finished, Gentlemen. + +_The F.B._ I should ha' thought it was _her_ who was the finely +finished one of the two. + +_Auct._ (_pained by this levity_). Really, Gentlemen, _do_ 'ave +more appreciation of a 'igh-class work like this!... Twenty-five +guineas?... Nonsense! I can't put it up at that. + + [_Bidding languishes. Lot withdrawn._ + +_Second Disinterested Dealer_ (_to First D.D., in an undertone_). I +wouldn't tell everyone, but I shouldn't like to see _you_ stay 'ere +and waste your time; so, in case you _was_ thinking of waiting for +that last lot, I may just as well mention--[_Whispers._ + +_First D.D._ Ah, it's _that_ way, is it? Much obliged to you for the +'int. But I'd do the same for you any day. + +_Second D.D._ I'm _sure_ yer would! + + [_They watch one another suspiciously._ + +_Auct._ Now 'ere's a tasteful thing, Gentlemen. Lot. 41. "_Nymph +eating Oysters_" ("_Nymph 'ere, Gen'lm'n!_"), by the celebrated +Italian artist VABENE, one of the finest works of Art in this room, +and they're _all_ exceedingly fine works of Art; but this is _truly_ +a work of Art, Gentlemen. What shall we say for her, eh? (_Silence._) +Why, Gentlemen, no more appreciation than _that_? Come, don't be +afraid of it. Make a beginning. (_Bidding starts._) Forty-five +guineas. Forty-six--_pounds_. Forty-six pounds only, this remarkable +specimen of modern Italian Art. Forty-six and a 'arf. Only forty-six +ten bid for it. Give character to any gentleman's collection, a figure +like this would. Forty-seven _pounds_--_guineas_! and a 'arf.... +Forty-seven and a 'arf guineas.... For the last time! Bidding with +you, Sir. Forty-seven guineas and a 'arf--Gone! Name, Sir, if _you_ +please. Oh, money? Very well. Thank you. + +_Proud Purchaser_ (_to Friend, in excuse for his extravagance_). You +see, I must have something for that grotto I've got in the grounds. + +_His Friend_. If she was mine, I should put her in the hall, and have +a gaslight fitted in the oyster-shell. + +_P.P._ (_thoughtfully_). Not a bad idea. But electric light would be +more suitable, and easier to fix too. Yes--we'll see. + +_The Obl. Broker_ (_pursuing the Am. Spect._). I 'ope, Sir, you'll +remember me, next time you're this way. + +_The Am. Spect._ (_who has only ransomed himself by taking over an odd +lot, consisting of imitation marble fruit, a model, under crystal, of +the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and three busts of Italian celebrities of +whom he has never heard_). I'm afraid I shan't have very much chance +of forgetting you. _Good_ afternoon! + + [_Exit hurriedly, dropping the fruit, as Scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS. + +_Fond Parent_ (_to Professional Lady_). "TELL ME, MISS LE VAVASOUR, +DID MY SON ACQUIT HIMSELF CREDITABLY AT THIS AFTERNOON'S REHEARSAL?" + +_Miss Le Vavasour_. "WELL, MY LORD,--IF YOUR SON ONLY ACTS THE LOVER +ON THE STAGE HALF AS ENERGETICALLY AS HE DOES IN THE GREEN-ROOM, THE +PIECE WILL BE A SUCCESS!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM OUR MUSIC HALL. + +I had a fine performance at my little place last week. Gave the +_Elijah_ with a chorus whose vigorous delivery and precision were +excellent, and except for uncertain intonation of _soprani_ in first +chorus, I think though perhaps I say it who shouldn't, I never heard +better chorussing within my walls. Madame SCHMIDT-KOEHNE has a good +voice, but I can't say I approve of her German method, nor do I +like embellishments of text, even when they can be justified. The +_contralto_, Madame SVIATLOVSKY (O Heavenly name that ends in _sky_!) +is not what I should have expected, coming to us with such a name. +Perhaps not heard to advantage: perhaps 'vantage to me if I hadn't +heard her. But Miss SARAH BERRY brought down the house just as SAMSON +did, and we were Berry'd all alive, O, and applauding beautifully. +_Brava_, Miss SARAH BERRY! + +"As we are hearing _Elijah_," says Mr. Corner Man, "may I ask you, +Sir, what Queen in Scripture History this young lady reminds me of?" +Of course I reply, "I give it up, Sir." Whereupon he answers, "She +reminds me, Sir, of the Queen who was BERENICÉ--'Berry-Nicey'--see?" + +Number next in the books. Mr. WATKIN MILLS was dignified and +impressive as _Elijah_; but, while admitting the excellence of this +profit, we can't forget our loss in the absence of Mr. SANTLEY. +BEN MIO DAVIES sang the tenor music, but apologised for having +unfortunately got a pony on the event,--that is, he had got a little +hoarse during the day. "BEN MIO" is--um--rather _troppo operatico_ for +the oratorio. Mr. BARNBY bravely bâtoned, as usual. Bravo, BARNBY! He +goes on with the work because he likes it. Did he not, he would say +with the _General Bombastes_-- + + "Give o'er! give o'er! + For I will bâton on this tune no more." + +Perhaps the quotation is not quite exact, but no matter, all's well +that ends well, as everyone said as they left. + + Yours truly, + ALBERT HALL. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. VII.--A BUCCANEER'S BLOOD-BATH. + +BY L.S. DEEVENSON, AUTHOR OF "_TOLDON DRYLAND_," "_THE WHITE +HETON_," "_WENTNAP_," "_AMISS WITH A CANDLETRAY_," "_AN OUTLANDISH +TRIP_," "_A TRAVELLED DONKEY_," "_A QUEER FALL ON A TREACLE SLIDE_," +"_THE OLD PERSIAN BARONETS_," &C., &C., &C. + + [For some weeks before this Novel actually arrived, we + received by every post an immense consignment of paragraphs, + notices, and newspaper cuttings, all referring to it in + glowing terms. "This" observed the _Bi-weekly Boomer_, "is, + perhaps, the most brilliant effort of the brilliant and + versatile Author's genius. Humour and pathos are inextricably + blended in it. He sweeps with confident finger over the whole + gamut of human emotions, and moves us equally to terror and + to pity. Of the style, it is sufficient to say that it is Mr. + DEEVENSON's." The MS. of the Novel itself came in a wrapper + bearing the Samoan post-mark.--ED. _Punch_.] + +CHAPTER I. + +I am a man stricken in years, and-well-nigh spent with labour, yet it +behoves that, for the public good, I should take pen in hand, and set +down the truth of those matters wherein I played a part. And, indeed, +it may befall that, when the tale is put forth in print, the public +may find it to their liking, and buy it with no sparing hand, so that, +at the last, the payment shall be worthy of the labourer. + +[Illustration] + +I have never been gifted with what pedants miscall courage. That +extreme rashness of the temper which drives fools to their destruction +hath no place in my disposition. A shrinking meekness under +provocation, and a commendable absence of body whenever blows fell +thick, seemed always to me to be the better part. And for this I +have boldly endured many taunts. Yet it so chanced that in my life I +fell in with many to whom the cutting of throats was but a moment's +diversion. Nay, more, in most of their astounding ventures I shared +with them; I made one upon their reckless forays; I was forced, sorely +against my will, to accompany them upon their stormy voyages, and to +endure with them their dangers; and there does not live one man, since +all of them are dead, and I alone survive, so well able as myself +to narrate these matters faithfully within the compass of a single +five-shilling volume. + +CHAPTER II. + +On a December evening of the year 17--, ten men sat together in the +parlour of "The Haunted Man." Without, upon the desolate moorland, a +windless stricture of frost had bound the air as though in boards, but +within, the tongues were loosened, and the talk flowed merrily, and +the clink of steaming tumblers filled the room. Dr. DEADEYE sat with +the rest at the long deal table, puffing mightily at the brown old +Broseley church-warden, whom the heat and the comfort of his evening +meal had so far conquered, that he resented the doctor's treatment of +him only by an occasional splutter. For myself, I sat where the warmth +of the cheerful fire could reach my chilled toes, close by the side +of the good doctor. I was a mere lad, and even now, as I search in my +memory for these long-forgotten scenes, I am prone to marvel at my +own heedlessness in thus affronting these lawless men. But, indeed, I +knew them not to be lawless, or I doubt not but that my prudence had +counselled me to withdraw ere the events befell which I am now about +to narrate. + +As I remember, the Doctor and Captain JAWKINS were seated opposite to +one another, and, as their wont was, they were in high debate upon +a question of navigation, on which the Doctor held and expressed an +emphatic opinion. + +"Never tell me," he said, with flaming aspect, "that the common +term, 'Port your helm,' implies aught but what a man, not otherwise +foolish, would gather from the word. Port means port, and starboard is +starboard, and all the d----d sea-captains in the world cannot move +me from that." With that the Doctor beat his fist upon the table until +the glasses rattled again and glared into the Captain's weather-beaten +face.[1] + +"Hear the man," said the Captain--"hear him. A man would think he had +spent his days and nights upon the sea, instead of mixing pills and +powders all his life in a snuffy village dispensary." + +The quarrel seemed like to be fierce, when a sudden sound struck upon +our ears, and stopped all tongues. I cannot call it a song. Rather, +it was like the moon-struck wailing of some unhappy dog, low, and +unearthly; and yet not that, either, for there were words to it. That +much we all heard distinctly. + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four, + Two for his heels, and that makes six." + +We listened, awestruck, with blanched faces, scarce daring to look at +one another. For myself, I am bold to confess that I crept under the +sheltering table and hid my head in my hands. Again the mournful notes +were moaned forth-- + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four, + Two for his heels, and--" + +But ere it was ended, Captain JAWKINS had sprung forward, and rushed +into the further corner of the parlour. "I know that voice," he cried +aloud; "I know it amid a thousand!" And even as he spoke, a strange +light dispelled the shadows, and by its rays we could see the +crouching form of BILL BLUENOSE, with the red seam across his face +where the devil had long since done his work. + +CHAPTER III. + +I had forgot to say that, as he ran, the Captain had drawn his sword. +In the confusion which followed on the discovery of BLUENOSE, I could +not rightly tell how each thing fell out; indeed, from where I lay, +with the men crowding together in front of me, to see at all was no +easy matter. But this I saw clearly. The Captain stood in the corner, +his blade raised to strike. BLUENOSE never stirred, but his breath +came and went, and his eyelids blinked strangely, like the flutter of +a sere leaf against the wall. There came a roar of voices, and, in the +tumult, the Captain's sword flashed quickly, and fell. Then, with a +broken cry like a sheep's bleat, the great seamed face fell separate +from the body, and a fountain of blood rose into the air from the +severed neck, and splashed heavily upon the sanded floor of the +parlour. + +"Man, man!" cried the Doctor, angrily, "what have ye done? Ye've kilt +BLUENOSE, and with him goes our chance of the treasure. But, maybe, +it's not yet too late." + +So saying, he plucked the head from the floor and clapped it again +upon its shoulders. Then, drawing a long stick of sealing-wax from +his pocket, he held it well before the Captain's ruddy face. The wax +splattered and melted. The Doctor applied it to the cut with deft +fingers, and with a strange condescension of manner in one so proud. +My heart beat like a bird's, both quick and little; and on a sudden +BLUENOSE raised his dripping hands, and in a quavering kind of voice +piped out-- + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four." + +But we had heard too much, and the next moment we were speeding with +terror at our backs across the desert moorland. + +CHAPTER IV. + +You are to remember that when the events I have narrated befell I +was but a lad, and had a lad's horror of that which smacked of the +supernatural. As we ran, I must have fallen in a swoon, for I remember +nothing more until I found myself walking with trembling feet through +the policies of the ancient mansion of Dearodear. By my side strode +a young nobleman, whom I straightway recognised as the Master. His +gallant bearing and handsome face served but to conceal the black +heart that beat within his breast. He gazed at me with a curious look +in his eyes. + +"SQUARETOES, SQUARETOES," said he--it was thus he had named me, and +by that I knew that we were in Scotland, and that my name was become +MACKELLAR--"I have a mind to end your prying and your lectures here +where we stand." + +"End it," said I, with a boldness which seemed strange to me even as +I spoke; "end it, and where will you be? A penniless beggar and an +outcast." + +"The old fool speaks truly," he continued, kicking me twice violently +in the back, but otherwise ignoring my presence; "and if I end him, +who shall tell the story? Nay, SQUARETOES, let us make a compact. I +will play the villain, and brawl, and cheat, and murder; you shall +take notes of my actions, and, after I have died dramatically in a +North American forest, you shall set up a stone to my memory, and +publish the story. What say you? Your hand upon it." + +Such was the fascination of the man that even then I could not +withstand him. Moreover, the measure of his misdeeds was not yet full. +My caution prevailed, and I gave him my hand. + +"Done!" said he; "and a very good bargain for you, SQUARETOES!" + +Let the public, then, judge between me and the Master, since of his +house not one remains, and I alone may write the tale. + +(To be continued.--Author.) THE END.--Ed. _Punch_. + +[Footnote 1: _Editor to Author_: "How did the glasses manage to glare? +It seems an odd proceeding for a glass. Answer paid." + +_Author to Editor_: "Don't be a fool. I meant the Doctor--not the +glasses."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Children of the Castle_, by Mrs. MOLESWORTH (published by +MACMILLAN), will certainly be a favourite with the children in the +house. A quaintly pretty story of child life and fairies, such as +she can write so well, it is valuably assisted with Illustrations by +WALTER CRANE. + +[Illustration] + +GEORGE ROUTLEDGE evidently means to catch the youthful book-worm's eye +by the brilliancy of his bindings, but the attraction will not stay +there long, for the contents are equal to the covers. + +These are days of reminiscences, so _"Bob," the Spotted Terrier_, +writes his own tale, or, wags it. Illustrations by HARRISON WEIR. And +here for the tiny ones, bless 'em, is _The House that Jack Built_,--a +paper book in actually the very shape of the house he built! And then +there's the melancholy but moral tale of _Froggy would a-Wooing Go_. +"Recommended," says the Baron. + +Published by DEAN AND SON, who should call their publishing +establishment "The Deanery," is _The Doyle Fairy Book_, a splendid +collection of regular fairy lore; and the Illustrations are by RICHARD +DOYLE, which needs nothing more. + +_The Mistletoe Bough_, edited by M.E. BRADDON, is not only very strong +to send forth so many sprigs, but it is a curious branch, as from +each sprig hangs a tale. The first, by the Editor and Authoress, _His +Oldest Friends_, is excellent. + +_Flowers of The Hunt_, by FINCH MASON, published by Messrs. FORES. +Rather too spring-like a title for a sporting book, as it suggests +hunting for flowers. Sketchy and amusing. + +HACHETTE AND CIE, getting ahead of Christmas, and neck and neck with +the New Year, issue a _Nouveau Calendrier Perpéteul_, "_Les Amis +Fidèles_," representing three poodles, the first of which carries +in his mouth the day of the week, the second the day of the month, +and the third the name of the month. This design is quaint, and if +not absolutely original, is new in the combination and application. +Unfortunately it only suggests one period of the year, the dog-days, +but in 1892 this can be improved upon, and amplified. + +No nursery would be complete without a _Chatterbox_, and, as a reward +to keep him quiet, _The Prize_ would come in useful. WELLS, DARTON, & +GARDNER, can supply both of them. + +F. WARNE has another Birthday-book, _Fortune's Mirror, Set in Gems_, +by M. HALFORD, with Illustrations by KATE CRAUFORD. A novel idea of +setting the mirror in the binding; but, to find your fortune, you must +look inside, and then you will see what gem ought to be worn in the +month of your birth. + +WILLERT BEALE's _Light of Other Days_ is most interesting to those +who, like the Baron, remember the latter days of GRISI and MARIO, +who can call to mind MARIO in _Les Huguenots_, in _Trovatore_, in +_Rigoletto_; and GRISI in _Norma_, _Valentina_, _Fides_, _Lucrezia_, +and some others. It seems to me that the centre of attraction in these +two volumes is the history of MARIO and GRISI on and off the stage; +and the gem of all is the simple narrative of Mrs. GODFREY PEARSE, +their daughter, which M. WILLERT BEALE has had the good taste to give +_verbatim_, with few notes or comments. To think that only twenty +years ago we lost GRISI, and that only nine years ago MARIO died in +Rome! Peace to them both! In Art they were a glorious couple, and in +their death our thoughts cannot divide them. GRISI and MARIO, Queen +and King of song, inseparable. I have never looked upon their like +again, and probably never shall. My tribute to their memory is, to +advise all those to whom their memory is dear, and those to whom their +memory is but a tradition, to read these Reminiscences, of them and +of others, by WILLERT BEALE, in order to learn all they can about +this romantic couple, who, caring little for money, and everything +for their art, were united in life, in love, in work, and, let +us, _peccatores_, humbly hope, in death. WILLERT BEALE has, in his +Reminiscences, given us a greater romance of real life than will be +found in twenty volumes of novels, by the most eminent authors. Yet +all so naturally and so simply told. At least so, with moist eyes, +says your tender-hearted critic, + +THE SYMPATHETIC BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +WIGS AND RADICALS. + + ["As a protest against the acceptance by the Corporation of + Sunderland of robes, wigs, and cocked hats, for the Mayor and + Town Clerk, Mr. STOREY, M.P., has sent in his resignation of + the office of Alderman of that body."--_Daily Paper_.] + +_Brutus_. Tell us what has chanced to-day, that STOREY looks so sad. + +_Casca_. Why, there was a wig and a cocked hat offered him, and he +put it away with the back of his hand, thus; and then the Sunderland +Radicals fell a-shouting. + +_Brutus_. What was the second noise for? + +_Casca_. Why, for that too. + +_Brutus_. They shouted thrice--what was the last cry for? + +_Casca_. Why, for that too--not to mention a municipal robe. + +_Brutus_. Was the wig, &c, offered him thrice? + +_Casca_. Ay, marry, was it, and he put the things by thrice, every +time more savagely than before. + +_Brutus_. Who offered him the wig? + +_Casca_. Why, the Sunderland Municipality, of course--stoopid! + +_Brutus_. Tell us the manner of it, gentle CASCA. + +_Casca_. I can as well be hanged, as tell you. It was mere foolery, I +did not mark it. I saw the people offer a cocked hat to him--yet 'twas +not to him neither, because he's only an Alderman, 'twas to the Mayor +and Town Clerk--and, as I told you, he put the things by thrice; +yet, to my thinking, had he been Mayor, he would fain have had them. +And the rabblement, of course, cheered such an exhibition of stern +Radical simplicity, and STOREY called the wig a bauble, though, to +my thinking, there's not much bauble about it, and the cocked-hat +he called a mediæval intrusion, though, to my thinking, there were +precious few cocked-hats in the Middle Ages. Then he said he would no +more serve as Alderman; and the Mayor and the Town Clerk cried--"Alas, +good soul!"--and accepted his resignation with all their hearts. + +_Brutus_. Then will not the Sunderland Town Hall miss him? + +_Casca_. Not it, as I am a true man! There'll be a STOREY the less on +it, that's all. Farewell! + + * * * * * + +"NOT THERE, NOT THERE, MY CHILD!" + +By some misadventure I was unable to attend the pianoforte recital +of Paddy REWSKI, the player from Irish Poland at the St. James's Hall +last Wednesday. Everybody much pleased, I'm told. Glad to hear it. I +was "Not there, not there, my child!" But audience gratified-- + + "And Stalldom shrieked when Paddy REWSKI played," + +as the Poet says, or something like it. I hear he made a hit. The +papers say he did, and if he didn't it's another thumper, that's all. + + * * * * * + +"SO NO MAYER AT PRESENT FROM YOURS TRULY THE ENTREPRENEUR OF THE +FRENCH PLAYS, ST. JAMES'S THEATRE."--It is hard on the indefatigable +M. MAYER, but when Englishmen can so easily cross the Channel, and so +willingly brave the _mal-de-mer_ for the sake of a week in Paris, it +is not likely that they will patronise French theatricals in London, +even for their own linguistic and artistic improvement, or solely for +the benefit of the deserving and enterprising M. MAYER. Even if it +be _mal-de-mer_ against _bien de Mayer_, an English admirer of French +acting would risk the former to get a week in Paris. We are sorry 'tis +so, but so 'tis. + + * * * * * + +"THE MAGAZINE RIFLE."--Is this invention patented by the Editor of +_The Review of Reviews_? Good title for the Staff of that Magazine, +"The Magazine Rifle Corps." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNNECESSARY CANDOUR. + +_Critic_. "BY JOVE, HOW ONE CHANGES! I'VE QUITE CEASED TO ADMIRE THE +KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO THINK SO CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO; AND _VICE +VERSÂ_!" + +_Pictor_. "THAT'S AS IT _SHOULD_ BE! IT SHOWS PROGRESS, DEVELOPMENT! +IT'S AN UNMISTAKABLE PROOF THAT YOU'VE REACHED A HIGHER INTELLECTUAL +AND ARTISTIC LEVEL, A MORE ADVANCED STAGE OF CULTURE, A LOFTIER--" + +_Critic_. "I'M GLAD YOU THINK SO, OLD MAN. BUT, CONFOUND IT, YOU +KNOW!--THE KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO THINK SO CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO, +HAPPENS TO BE _YOURS_!"] + + * * * * * + +BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD. + + The Appeal's to Justice! Justice lendeth ear + Unstirred by favour, unseduced by fear; + And they who Justice love must check the thrill + Of natural shame, and listen, and be still. + These wrangling tales of horror shake the heart + With pitiful disgust. Oh, glorious part + For British manhood, much bepraised, to play + In that dark land late touched by culture's day! + Are these our Heroes pictured each by each? + We fondly deemed that where our English speech + Sounded, there English hearts, of mould humane. + Justice would strengthen, cruelty restrain. + And is it all a figment of false pride? + _Such_ horrors do our vaunting annals hide + Beneath a world of words, like flowers that wave + In tropic swamps o'er a malarious grave? + + These are the questions which perforce intrude + As the long tale of horror coarse and crude, + Rolls out its sickening chapters one by one. + What will the verdict be when all is done? + Conflicting counsels in loud chorus rise, + "Hush the thing up!" the knowing cynic cries, + "Arm not our chuckling enemies at gaze + With charnel dust to foul our brightest bays! + Let the dead past bury its tainted dead, + Lest aliens at our 'heroes' wag the head." + "Shocking! wails out the sentimentalist. + Believe no tale unpleasant, scorn to list + To slanderous charges on the British name! + That brutish baseness, or that sordid shame + Can touch 'our gallant fellows,' is a thing + Incredible. Do not our poets sing, + Our pressmen praise in dithyrambic prose, + The 'lads' who win our worlds and face our foes? + Who never, save to human pity, yield + One step in wilderness or battlefield!" + + Meanwhile, with troubled eyes and straining hands, + Silent, attentive, thoughtful, Justice stands. + To her alone let the appeal be made. + Heroes, or merely tools of huckstering Trade, + Men brave, though fallible, or sordid brutes, + Let all be heard. Since each to each imputes + Unmeasured baseness, _somewhere_ the black stain + Must surely rest. The dead speak not, the slain + Have not a voice, save such as that which spoke + From ABEL's blood. Green laurels, or the stroke + Of shame's swift scourge? There's the alternative + Before the lifted eyes of those who live. + One fain would see the grass unstained that waves + In the dark Afric waste o'er those two graves. + To Justice the protagonist makes appeal. + Justice would wish him smirchless as her steel, + But stands with steadfast eyes and unbowed head + Silent--betwixt the Living and the Dead! + + * * * * * + +OPERA NOTES. + +What's a Drama without a Moral, and what's _Rigoletto_ without a +MAUREL, who was cast for the part, but who was too indisposed to +appear? So Signor GALASSI came and "played the fool" instead, much to +the satisfaction of all concerned, and all were very much concerned +about the illness or indisposition of M. MAUREL. DIMITRESCO not +particularly strong as the _Dook_; but Mlle. STROMFELD came out well +as _Gilda_, and, being called, came out in excellent form in front of +the Curtain. Signor BEVIGNANI, beating time in Orchestra, and time all +the better for his beating. + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF MUCH THANKS."--The difficulties in The City, which +_Mr. Punch_ represented in his Cartoon of November 8, were by the +_Times_ of last Saturday publicly acknowledged to be at an end. The +adventurous mariners were luckily able to rest on the Bank, and are +now once more fairly started. They will bear in mind the warning of +the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street, as given to the boys in the above +mentioned Cartoon. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.] + + * * * * * + +AVENUE HUNCHBACK. + +Of course there is nothing very new in the idea of a cripple loving a +beautiful maiden, while the beautiful maiden bestows her affections +on somebody else. SHERIDAN KNOWLES's Hunchback, _Master Walter_, is an +exception to Hunchbacks generally, as he turns out to be the father, +not the lover, of the leading lady. It has remained for Mr. CARTON +to give us in an original three-act play a deformed hero, who has to +sacrifice love to duty, or, rather, to let self-abnegation triumph +over the gratification of self. This self-sacrificing part is +admirably played by Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, whose simple make-up for the +character is irreproachable. That something more can still be made by +him of the scene of his great temptation I feel sure, and if he does +this he will have developed several full leaves from his already +budding laurels, and, which is presently important, he will have added +another 100 nights to the run. + +[Illustration: Mr. Punch applauding Master Walter George Desmarets.] + +_Maud_ (_without_ the final "_e_") capitally played by Miss MAUDE +(_with_ the final "E") MILLETT. (Why didn't the author choose another +name when this character was cast to Miss MILLETT? Not surely for the +sake of someone saying, "Come into the garden"--eh? And the author has +already indulged his pungent humour by giving "_George_" _Addis_ to +"GEORGE" ALEXANDER. Mistake.) This character of _Maud_ is a sketch of +an utterly odious girl,--odious, that is, at home, but fascinating no +doubt, away from the domestic circle. Is a sketch of such a character +worth the setting? How one pities the future Bamfield _ménage_, when +the unfortunate idiot _Bamfield_, well represented by Mr. BEN WEBSTER, +has married this flirting, flighty, sharp-tongued, selfish little +girl. To these two are given some good, light, and bright comedy +scenes, recalling to the mind of the middle-aged playgoer the palmy +days of what used to be known as the Robertsonian "Tea-cup-and-saucer +Comedies," with dialogue, scarcely _fin de siècle_ perhaps, but +pleasant to listen to, when spoken by Miss MAUDE MILLETT, MISS TERRY, +and Mr. BEN WEBSTER. + +[Illustration: Dr. Latimer at the Steak. Historical subject treated in +Act II. of _S. & S._] + +In Miss MARION TERRY's _Helen_, the elder of the Doctor's daughters, +we have a charming type, nor could Mr. NUTCOMBE GOULD's _Dr. Latimer_ +be improved upon as an artistic performance where repose and perfectly +natural demeanour give a certain coherence and solidity to the entire +work. Mr. YORKE STEPHENS as _Mark Denzil_ is too heavy, and his manner +conveys the impression that, at some time or other, he will commit +a crime, such, perhaps, as stealing the money from the Doctor's +desk; or, when this danger is past and he hasn't done it, his still +darkening, melodramatic manner misleads the audience into supposing +that in Act III, he will make away with his objectionable wife, +possess himself of the two hundred pounds, and then, just at the +moment when, with a darkling scowl and a gleaming eye, he steps +forward to claim his affianced bride, _Scollick_, Mr. ALFRED HOLLES, +hitherto only known as the drunken gardener, will throw off his +disguise, and, to a burst of applause from an excited audience, will +say, "I arrest you for murder and robbery! and--I am HAWKSHAW the +Detective!!!" or words to this effect. In his impersonation of _Mark +Denzil_ Mr. STEPHENS seems to have attempted an imitation of the light +and airy style of Mr. ARTHUR STIRLING. + +[Illustration: "The Shadow," but more like the substance. Collapse +of Mr. Yorke Stephens into the arms of Miss Marrying Terry, on +hearing the Shadow exclaim, "Yorke (Stephens), you're wanted!"] + +The end of the Second Act is, to my thinking, a mistake in dramatic +art. Everyone of the audience knows that the woman who has stolen +the money is _Mark Denzil's_ wife, and nobody requires from _Denzil_ +himself oral confirmation of the fact, much less do they want an +interval of several minutes,--it may be only seconds, but it seems +minutes,--before the Curtain descends, occupied only by _Mark Denzil_ +imploring that his wife shall not be taken before the magistrate +and be charged with theft. This is an anti-climax, weakening an +otherwise effective situation, as the immediate result of this scene +could easily be given in a couple of sentences of dialogue at the +commencement of the last Act. It is this fault, far more than the +unpruned passages of dialogue, that makes this interesting and well +acted play _seem_ too long--at least, such is the honest opinion of A +FRIEND IN FRONT. + + * * * * * + +THE BURDEN OF BACILLUS. + + Is there no one to protect us, is existence then a sin, + That we're worried here in London and in Paris and Berlin? + We would live at peace with all men, but "Destroy them!" is the cry, + Physiological assassins are not happy till we die. + With the rights of man acknowledged, can you wonder that we squirm + At the endless persecution of the much-maltreated germ. + + We are ta'en from home and hearthstone, from the newly-wedded bride, + To be looked at by cold optics on a microscopic slide; + We are boiled and stewed together, and they never think it hurts; + We're injected into rabbits by those hypodermic squirts: + Never safe, although so very insignificant in size, + There's no peace for poor Bacillus, so it seems, until he dies. + + It is strange to think how men lived in the days of long ago, + When the fact of our existence they had never chanced to know. + If the scientific ghouls are right who hunt us to the death, + Those who came before them surely had expired ere they drew breath: + We were there in those old ages, thriving in our youthful bloom; + Then there was no KOCH or PASTEUR bent on compassing our doom. + + Men humanity are preaching, and philanthropists elate + Point out he who injures horses shall be punished by the State; + Dogs are carefully protected, likewise the domestic cats, + Possibly kind-hearted people would not draw the line at rats: + If all that be right and proper, why then persecute and kill us? + Lo! the age's foremost martyr is the vilified Bacillus! + + * * * * * + +WALK UP! + +As far as Vigo Street, and see Mr. NETTLESHIP's Wild Beast Show at +the sign of "The Rembrandt Head." Here are Wild Animals to be seen +done from the life, and to the life; tawny lions, sleepy bears, +flapping vultures, and eagles, and brilliant macaws--all in excellent +condition. Observe the "Lion roaring" at No. 28, and the "Ibis flying" +with the sunlight on his big white wings against a deep blue sky, No. +36. All these Wild Animals can be safely guaranteed as pleasant and +agreeable companions to live with, and so, judging from certain labels +on the frames, the British picture-buyer has already discovered. Poor +Mr. NETTLESHIP's Menagerie will return to him shorn of its finest +specimens--that is, if he ever sees any of them back at all. + + * * * * * + +IN OUR GARDEN. + +[Illustration] + +It has occurred to me in looking back over these unpremeditated notes, +that if by any chance they came to be published, the public might gain +the impression that the Member for SARK and I did all the work of the +Garden, whilst our hired man looked on. SARK, to whom I have put the +case, says that is precisely it. But I do not agree with him. We have, +as I have already explained, undertaken this new responsibility from +a desire to preserve health and strength useful to our QUEEN and +Country. Therefore we, as ARPACHSHAD says, potter about the Garden, +get in each other's way, and in his; that is to say, we are out +working pretty well all day, with inadequate intervals for meals. + +ARPACHSHAD, to do him justice, is most anxious not to interfere with +our project by unduly taking labour on himself. When we are shifting +earth, and as we shift it backwards and forwards there is a good deal +to be done in that way, he is quite content to walk by the side, or in +front of the barrow, whilst SARK wheels it, and I walk behind, picking +up any bits that have shaken out of the vehicle. (Earth trodden into +the gravel-walk would militate against its efficiency.) But of course +ARPACHSHAD is, in the terms of his contract, "a working gardener," and +I see that he works. + +At the same time it must be admitted that he does not display any +eagerness in engaging himself, nor does he rapidly and energetically +carry out little tasks which are set him. There are, for example, +the sods about the trees in the orchard. He says it's very bad for +the trees to have the sods close up to their trunks. There should be +a small space of open ground. ARPACHSHAD thought that perhaps "the +gents," as he calls us, would enjoy digging a clear space round the +trees. We thought we would, and set to work. But SARK having woefully +hacked the stem of a young apple-tree (_Lord Suffield_) and I having +laboriously and carefully cut away the entire network of the roots of +a damson-tree, under the impression that it was a weed, it was decided +that ARPACHSHAD had better do this skilled labour. We will attain to +it by-and-by. + +ARPACHSHAD has now been engaged on the work for a fortnight, and I +think it will carry him on into the spring. The way he walks round the +harmless apple-tree before cautiously putting in the spade, is very +impressive. Having dug three exceedingly small sods, he packs them in +a basket, and then, with a great sigh, heaves it on to his shoulder, +and walks off to store the sods by the potting-shed. Anything more +solemn than his walk, more depressing than his mien, has not been seen +outside a churchyard. If he were burying the child of his old age, +he could not look more cut up. SARK, who, probably owing to personal +associations, is beginning to develop some sense of humour, walked by +the side of him this morning whistling "_The Dead March in Saul_." + +The effect was unexpected and embarrassing. ARPACHSHAD slowly +relieved himself of the burden of the three sods, dropped them on +the ground with a disproportionate thud, and, producing a large +pocket-handkerchief, whose variegated and brilliant colours were, +happily, dimmed by a month's use, mopped his eyes. + +"You'll excuse _me_, gents," he snuffled, "but I never hear that there +tune, '_Rule Britanny_,' whistled or sung but I think of the time when +I went down to see my son off from Portsmouth for the Crimee, '_Rule +Britanny_' was the tune they played when he walked proudly aboard. He +was in all the battles, Almy, Inkerman, Ballyklaver, Seringapatam, and +Sebastopol." + +"And was he killed?" asked the Member for SARK, making as though he +would help ARPACHSHAD with the basket on to his shoulder again. + +"No," said ARPACHSHAD, overlooking the attention--"he lived to come +home; and last week he rode in the Lord Mayor's coach through the +streets of London, with all his medals on. Five shillings for the +day, and a good blow-out, presided over by Mr. AUGUSTIN HARRIS, in +his Sheriff's Cloak and Chain at the 'Plough-and-Thunder,' in the +Barbican." + +HARTINGTON came down to see us to-day. Mentioned ARPACHSHAD, and his +natural indisposition to hurry himself. + +"Why should he?" asked HARTINGTON, yawning, as he leaned over the +fence. "What's the use, as Whosthis says, of ever climbing up the +climbing wave? I can't understand how you fellows go about here with +your shirt-sleeves turned up, bustling along as if you hadn't a +minute to spare. It's just the same in the House; bustle everywhere; +everybody straining and pushing--everybody but me." + +"Well," said SARK, "but you've been up in Scotland, making quite a lot +of speeches. Just as if you were Mr. G. himself." + +"Yes," said HARTINGTON, looking admiringly at ARPACHSHAD, who had +taken off his coat, and was carefully folding it up, preparatory to +overtaking a snail, whose upward march on a peach-tree his keen eye +had noted; "but that wasn't my fault. I was dragged into it against +my will. It came about this way. Months ago, when Mr. G.'s tour was +settled, they said nothing would do but that I must follow him over +the same ground, speech by speech. If it had been to take place in the +next day or two, or in the next week, I would have plumply said No. +But, you see, it was a long way off. No one could say what might not +happen in the interval. If I'd said No, they would have worried me +week after week. If I said Yes, at least I wouldn't be bored on the +matter for a month or two. So I consented, and, when the time came, +I had to put in an appearance. But I mean to cut the whole business. +Shall take a Garden, like you and SARK, only it shall be a place to +lounge in, not to work in. Should like to have a fellow like your +ARPACHSHAD; soothing and comforting to see him going about his work." + +"I suppose you'll take a partner?" I asked. "Hope you'll get one more +satisfactory than SARK has proved." + +HARTINGTON blushed a rosy red at this reference to a partner. Didn't +know he was so sensitive on account of SARK; abruptly changed subject. + +"Fact is, TOBY," he said, "I hate politics; always been dragged into +them by one man or another. First it was BRIGHT; then Mr. G.; now the +MARKISS is always at me, making out that chaos will come if I don't +stick at my place in the House during the Session, and occasionally go +about country making speeches in the recess. Wouldn't mind the House +if seats were more comfortable. Can sleep there pretty well for twenty +minutes before dinner; but nothing to rest your head against; back +falls your head; off goes your hat; and then those Radical fellows +grin. I could stand politics better if Front Opposition Bench or +Treasury Bench were constructed on principle of family pews in country +churches. Get a decent quiet corner, and there you are. In any new +Reformed Parliament hope they'll think of it; though it doesn't matter +much to me. I'm going to cut it. Done my share; been abused now all +round the Party circle. Conservatives, Whigs, Liberals, Radicals, +Irish Members, Scotch and Welsh, each alternately have praised and +belaboured me. My old enemies now my closest friends. Old friends +look at me askance. It's a poor business. I never liked it, never had +anything to get out of it, and you'll see presently that I'll give it +up. Don't you suppose, TOBY my boy, that you shall keep the monopoly +of retirement. I'll find a partner, peradventure an ARPACHSHAD, and +we'll all live happily for the rest of our life." + +With his right hand thrust in his trouser-pocket, his left swinging +loosely at his side, and his hat low over his brow, HARTINGTON lounged +off till his tall figure was lost in the gloaming. + +"That's the man for _my_ money," said ARPACHSHAD, looking with growing +discontent at the Member for SARK, who, with the only blade left in +his tortoiseshell-handled penknife, was diligently digging weeds out +of the walk. + + * * * * * + +IN THE CLUB SMOKING-ROOM. + +"Lux Mundi," said somebody, reading aloud the title heading a lengthy +criticism in the _Times_. + +"Don't know so much about that," observed a sporting and superstitious +young man; "but I know that '_Ill luck's Friday_.'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIGHER EDUCATION. + +_Mr. Punch_. "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL, BUT IT'S TOO DULL. LET THEM HAVE A +LITTLE SUNSHINE, OR THEY WILL NEVER FOLLOW YOU."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A POSER. + +_Fair Client_. "I'M ALWAYS PHOTOGRAPHED FROM THE SAME SIDE, BUT I +FORGET WHICH!" + +_Scotch Photographer_ (_reflectively_). "WELL, IT'LL NO BE _THIS_ +SIDE, I'M THINKIN'. MAYBE IT'S T'ITHER!"] + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +Yes, quite so. It's a very good excuse! Whenever I do not turn up when +I am expected, my children say, "Pa's about pictures." It's just the +same as a doctor, when he forgets to keep an appointment, says, "he +has unexpectedly been called out." Yah! _I'd_ call some of 'em out if +I had the chance. I took French leave the other day, and went to the +French Gallery, expecting to see sketches in French chalk, or studies +in French grey. Nothing of the kind! Mr. WALLIS will have his little +joke. The main part of the exhibition is essentially English, and so +I found my Parisian accent was entirely thrown away. If it had only +been Scotch, I could have said something about the "Scots wha hae wi' +WALLIS," but I didn't have even that chance. Too bad, though, the +show is a good one. "English, you know, quite English." Lots of good +landscapes by LEADER, bright, fresh, breezy. Young painters should +"follow their Leader," and they can't go very far wrong. I would +write a leader on the subject, and introduce something about the +land-scape-goat, only I know it would be cut out. Being very busy, +sent Young Par to see Miss CHARLOTTE ROBINSON's Exhibition of Screens. +He behaved badly. Instead of looking at matters in a serious light, he +seemed to look upon the whole affair as a "screening farce," and began +to sing-- + + Here screens of all kinds you may see, + Designed most ar-tist-_tic_-a-lee, + In exquisite va-ri-e-tee, + By clever CHARLOTTE ROBINSON! + They'll screen you from the bitter breeze, + They'll screen you when you take your teas, + They'll screen you when you flirt with shes-- + Delightful CHARLOTTE ROBINSON! + +He then folded his arms, and began to sing, "with my riddle-ol, de +riddle-ol, de ri, de O," danced a hornpipe all over the place, broke +several valuable pieces of furniture, and was removed in charge of the +police. And this is the boy that was to be a comfort to me in my old +age! + +Yours parabolically, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +Novel praise from the _D.T._ for the Lord Mayor's Show, during a pause +for lunch:--"It is so quaint, so bright, so thoroughly un-English." +The Lord Mayor's Show "So Un-English, you know"! Then, indeed have we +arrived at the end of the ancient _al-fresco_ spectacle. + + * * * * * + +IN A HOLE. + +(_BRIEF IMPERIAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN TWO ACTS, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._) + + ["Well, if it comes to fighting, we should be just in + a hole."--_A Linesman's Opinion of the New Rifle, from + Conversation in Daily Paper._] + +ACT I. + + SCENE--_A Public Place in Time of Peace._ + +_Mrs. Britannia_ (_receiving a highly finished and improved newly +constructed scientific weapon from cautious and circumspect Head of +Department_). And so this is the new Magazine Rifle? + +_Head of Department_ (_in a tone of quiet and self-satisfied +triumph_). It is, Madam. + +_Mrs. Britannia_. And I may take your word for it, that it is a weapon +I can with confidence place in the hands of my soldiers. + +_Head of Department_. You may, Madam. Excellent as has been all the +work turned out by the Department I have the honour to represent, I +think I may fairly claim this as our greatest achievement. No less +than nine firms have been employed in its construction, and I am +proud to say that in one of the principal portions of its intricate +mechanism, fully seven-and-thirty different parts, united by +microscopic screws, are employed in the adjustment. But allow me to +explain. [_Does so, giving an elaborate and confusing account of the +construction, showing that, without the greatest care, and strictest +attention to a series of minute precautions on the part of the +soldier, the weapon is likely to get suddenly out of order, and prove +worse than useless in action. This, however, he artfully glides over +in his description, minimising all its possible defects, and finally +insisting that no power in Europe has turned out such a handy, +powerful, and serviceable rifle._ + +_Mrs. Britannia_. Ah, well, I don't profess to understand the +practical working of the weapon. But I have trusted you implicitly +to provide me with a good one, and this being, as you tell me, what I +want, I herewith place it the hands of my Army. (_Presents the rifle +to TOMMY ATKINS._) Here, ATKINS, take your rifle, and I hope you'll +know how to use it. + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a broad grin_). Thank'ee, Ma'am. I hope I shall, +for I shall be in a precious 'ole if I don't. + + [_Flourish of newspaper articles, general congratulatory + chorus on all sides, as Act-drop descends._ + +ACT II. + + _A Battle-field in time of War. Enter TOMMY ATKINS with his + rifle. In the interval, since the close of the last Act, he is + supposed to have been thoroughly instructed in its proper use, + and, though on one or two occasions, owing to disregard of + some trifling precaution, he has found it "jam," still, in the + leisure of the practice-field, he has been generally able to + get it right again, and put it in workable order. He is now + hurrying along in all the excitement of battle, and in face of + the enemy, of whom a batch appear on the horizon in front of + him, when the word is given to "fire."_ + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_endeavours to execute the order, but he finds +something "stuck," and his rifle refuses to go off._) Dang it! What's +the matter with the beastly thing! It's that there bolt that's caught +agin' (_thumps it furiously in his excitement and makes matters +worse._) Dang the blooming thing; I can't make it go. (_Vainly +endeavours to recall some directions, committed in calmer moments, to +memory._) Drop the bolt? No! that ain't it. Loose this 'ere pin (_tugs +frantically at a portion of the mechanism._) 'Ang me if I can make +it go! (_Removes a pin which suddenly releases the magazine_), well, +I've done it now and no mistake. Might as well send one to fight with +a broomstick. (_A shell explodes just behind him._) Well, _I am in +a 'ole_ and no mistake. [_Battle proceeds with results as Act-drop +falls._ + + * * * * * + +OLD FRENCH SAW RE-SET.--FROM _THE STANDARD_, NOVEMBER 14:-- + + "The duel between M. DÉROULÈDE and M. LAGUERRE occurred + yesterday morning in the neighbourhood of Charleroi, in + Belgium. Four shots were exchanged without any result. On + returning to Charleroi the combatants and their seconds were + arrested." + + "_C'est Laguerre, mais ce n'est pas magnifique._" + + * * * * * + +NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case +be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., Nov. 22, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 25, 2004 [EBook #12737] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 22, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" + id="page241"></a>[pg 241]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:47%;"> + <a href="images/241.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/241.png" + alt="Mr. S.B. B-ncr-ft." /></a> + + <h3>DOUBLING THE PART.</h3><i>Mr. S.B. B-ncr-ft, having + retired from the Stage, thinks of taking to the Booth.</i> + "'WHEN THE CUE COMES, CALL ME.' AW!—VERY LIKE + HIM—VERY!"<br /> + + + <p>[One day last week Mr. S.B. BANCROFT wrote to the + <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, saying, that so struck was he by + "General" BOOTH's scheme for relieving everybody + generally—of course "generally"—that he wished + at once to relieve himself of £1000, if he could only find + out ninety-and-nine other sheep in the wilderness of London + to follow his example, and consent to be shorn of a similar + amount. Send your cheque to 85, Fleet Street, and we'll + undertake to use it for the benefit of most deserving + objects.]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A GOOD-NATURED TEMPEST.</h2> + + <p>It was stated in the <i>Echo</i> that, during the late + storm, a brig "brought into Dover harbour two men, with their + ribs and arms broken by a squall off Beachy Head. The + deck-house and steering-gear were carried away, and the men + taken to Dover Hospital." Who shall say, after this, that + storms do not temper severity with kindness? This particular + one, it is true, broke some ribs and arms, and carried away + portions of a brig, but, in the very act of doing this, it took + the sufferers, and laid them, apparently, on the steps of Dover + Hospital. If we must have storms, may they all imitate this + motherly example.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"WHAT A WONDERFUL BO-OY!"—In the <i>Head-Master's + Guide</i> for November, in the list of applicants for + Masterships, appears a gentleman who offers to teach + Mathematics, Euclid, Arithmetic, Algebra, Natural Science, + History, Geography, Book-keeping, French Grammar, Freehand, and + Perspective Drawing, the Piano, the Organ, and the Harmonium, + and Singing, for the modest salary of £20 a-year without a + residence! But it is only just to add; that this person seems + to be of marvellous origin, for although he admits extreme + youth (he says he is <i>only three years of age!</i>) he boasts + ten years of experience! <i>O si sic omnes</i>! So wise, so + young, so cheap!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>If spectacular effects are worth remembering, then Sheriff + DRURIOLANUS ought to be a member of the Spectacle-makers' + Company.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>On the Ninth of November.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Our difficulties are such as these—that America + has instituted a vast system of prohibitive tariffs, + mainly, I believe, because ... American pigs do not receive + proper treatment at the hands of Europe.... If we have any + difficulty with our good neighbours in France, it is + because of that unintelligent animal the lobster; and if we + have any difficulty with our good neighbours in America, it + is because of that not very much nobler animal, the + seal."—<i>Lord Salisbury at the Mansion + House</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The Real Turtle sang this, very slowly, and + sadly:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"We are getting quite important," said the Porker to + the Seal,</p> + + <p>"For we're 'European Questions,' as a Premier seems + to feel.</p> + + <p>See the 'unintelligent' Lobster, even he, makes an + advance!</p> + + <p>Oh, we lead the Politicians of the earth a pretty + dance.</p> + + <p class="i2">Will you, won't you, Yankee Doodle, + England, and gay France.</p> + + <p class="i2">Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, + let <i>us</i> lead the dance?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You can really have no notion how delightful it + will be,</p> + + <p>When they take <i>us</i> up as matters of the High + Diplomacee."</p> + + <p>But the Seal replied, "They brain us!" and he gave a + look askance</p> + + <p>At the goggle-eyed mailed Lobster, who was loved + (and boiled) by France.</p> + + <p class="i2">"Would they, could they, would they, + could they, give us half a chance?</p> + + <p class="i2">Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals all suffer, + Commerce to advance!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What matters it how grand we are!" his plated + friend replied,</p> + + <p>If our destiny is Salad, or the Sausage boiled or + fried?</p> + + <p>Though we breed strife 'twixt England, and America, + and France,</p> + + <p>If we're chopped up, or boiled, or brained where is + <i>our</i> great advance?</p> + + <p class="i2">Will you, won't you, will you, won't you + chuck away a chance</p> + + <p class="i2">Of peace in pig-stye, or at sea, to play + the game of France?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"Thank you, it's a very amusing dance—<i>to + watch</i>," said ALICE, feeling very glad that she had not to + stand up in it.</p> + + <p>"You may not have lived much under the Sea" (said the Real + Turtle) ("I haven't," said ALICE), "and perhaps you were never + introduced to a Lobster—" (ALICE began to say "I once + tasted—" but checked herself hastily, and said, "No, + never"),—"So you can have no idea what a delightful dance + a (Diplomatic) Lobster Quadrille is!"</p> + + <p>"I dare say not," said ALICE.</p> + + <p>"Stand up and repeat '<i>'Tis the Voice of the + Premier</i>,'" said the Griffin.</p> + + <p>ALICE got up and began to repeat it, but her head was so + full of Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals, that she hardly knew what + she was saying, and the words came very queer + indeed:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Tis the voice of the Premier; I heard him + complain</p> + + <p>On the Ninth of November all prophecy's vain.</p> + + <p>I <i>must</i> make some sort of a speech, I + suppose.</p> + + <p>Dear DIZZY (who led the whole world by the nose)</p> + + <p>Said the world heard, for once, on this day, 'Truth + and Sense'</p> + + <p>(<i>I.e.</i> neatly phrased Make-believe and + Pretence),</p> + + <p>But when GLADDY's 'tide' rises, and lost seats + abound,</p> + + <p>One's voice has a cautious and timorous sound."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"I've heard this sort of thing so often before," said the + Real Turtle; "but it sounds uncommon nonsense. Go on with the + next verse."</p> + + <p>ALICE did not dare disobey, though she felt sure it would + all come wrong, and she went on in a trembling + voice:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I passed by the Session, and marked, by the + way,</p> + + <p>How the Lion and Eagles would share Af-ri-ca.</p> + + <p>How the peoples, at peace, were not shooting with + lead,</p> + + <p>But bethumping each other with Tariffs instead,</p> + + <p>How the Eight Hours' Bill, on which BURNS was so + sweet,</p> + + <p>Was (like bye-elections) a snare and a cheat;</p> + + <p>How the Lobster, the Pig, and the Seal, I would + say</p> + + <p>At my sixth Lord Mayor's Banquet—"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"What <i>is</i> the use of repeating all that stuff," the + Real Turtle interrupted, "if you don't explain it as you go on? + It's by far the most confusing thing <i>I</i> ever heard!"</p> + + <p>"Yes, I think you'd better leave off," said the Griffin; and + ALICE was only too glad to do so.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>GAMES.—It being the season of burglaries, E. WOLF AND + SON—("WOLF," most appropriate name,—but <i>Wolf and + Moon</i> would have been still better than WOLF AND + SON)—take the auspicious time to bring out their new game + of "Burglar and Bobbies." On a sort of draught-board, so that + both Burglar and Bobby play "on the square," which is in itself + a novelty. The thief may be caught in thirteen moves. This + won't do. We want him to be caught before he moves at all.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" + id="page242"></a>[pg 242]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/242.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/242.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>NEW EDITION OF "ROBA DI 'ROMER.'"</h3><i>With Mr. + Punch's sincere congratulations to his Old Friend the New + Judge.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT A SALE OF HIGH-CLASS SCULPTURE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>SCENE—<i>An upper floor in a City Warehouse; a + low, whitewashed room, dimly lighted by dusty windows and + two gas-burners in wire cages. Around the walls are ranged + several statues of meek aspect, but securely confined in + wooden cases, like a sort of marble menagerie. In the + centre, a labyrinthine grove of pedestals, surmounted by + busts, groups, and statuettes by modern Italian masters. + About these pedestals a small crowd—consisting of + Elderly Merchants on the look out for a "neat thing in + statuary" for the conservatory at Croydon or Muswell Hill, + Young City Men who have dropped in after lunch, + Disinterested Dealers, Upholsterers' Buyers, Obliging + Brokers, and Grubby and Mysterious men—is cautiously + circulating.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Obliging Broker</i> (<i>to</i> Amiable Spectator, <i>who + has come in out of curiosity, and without the remotest + intention of purchasing sculpture</i>). <i>No</i> Catlog, Sir? + 'Ere, allow me to orfer you mine—that's <i>my</i> name in + pencil on the top of it, Sir; and, if you <i>should</i> 'appen + to see any lot that takes your fancy, you jest ketch my eye. + (<i>Reassuringly.</i>) I shan't be fur off. Or look 'ere, gimme + a nudge—<i>I</i> shall know what it means.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> A.S. <i>thanks him profusely, and edges away + with an inward vow to avoid his and the</i> Auctioneer's + <i>eyes, as he would those of a basilisk.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Auctioneer</i> (<i>from desk, with the usual perfunctory + fervour</i>). Lot 13, Gentlemen, very charming pair of subjects + from child life—"<i>The Pricked Finger</i>" and "<i>The + Scratched Toe</i>"—by BIMBI.</p> + + <p><i>A Stolid Assistant</i> (<i>in shirtsleeves</i>). Figgers + <i>'ere</i>, Gen'lm'n!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Languid surge of crowd towards them.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Facetious Bidder</i>. Which of 'em's the finger, and + which the toe?</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>coldly</i>). I should have thought it was + easy to identify by the attitude. Now, Gentlemen, give me a + bidding for these very finely-executed works by BIMBI. Make any + offer. What will you give me for 'em? Both very sweet things, + Gentlemen. Shall we say ten guineas?</p> + + <p><i>A Grubby Man</i>. Give yer five.</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>with grieved resignation</i>). Very well, + start 'em at five. Any advance on five? (<i>To</i> Assist.) + Turn 'em round, to show the back view. And a 'arf! Six! And a + 'arf! Only six and a 'arf bid for this beautiful pair of + figures, done direct from nature by BIMBI. Come, Gentlemen, + come! Seven! Was that <i>you</i>, Mr. GRIMES? (<i>The Grubby + Man admits the soft impeachment.</i>) Seven and a 'arf. Eight! + It's <i>against</i> you.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Grimes</i> (<i>with a supreme effort</i>). + Two-and-six!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Mops his brow with a red cotton + handkerchief.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>in a tone of gratitude for the smallest + mercies</i>). Eight-ten-six. All done at eight-ten-six? Going + ... gone! GRIMES, Eight, ten, six. Take money for 'em. Now we + come to a very 'andsome work by PIFFALINI—"<i>The Ocarina + Player</i>," one of this great artist's masterpieces, and an + exceedingly choice and high-class work, as you will all agree + directly you see it. (<i>To</i> Assist.) Now, then, Lot 14, + there—look sharp!</p> + + <p><i>Stolid Assist.</i> "Hocarina Plier," eyn't arrived, + Sir.</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> Oh, hasn't it? Very well, then. Lot 15. "<i>The + Pretty Pill-taker</i>," by ANTONIO BILIO—a really + magnificent work of Art, Gentlemen. (<i>"Pill-taker, 'ere!" + from the S.A.</i>) What'll you give me for her? Come, make me + an offer. (<i>Bidding proceeds till the "Pill-taker" is knocked + down for twenty-three-and-a-half guineas.</i>) Lot 16, "<i>The + Mixture as Before</i>," by same artist—make a charming + and suitable companion to the last lot. What do you say, Mr. + MIDDLEMAN—take it at the same bidding? (Mr. M. + <i>assents, with the end of one eyebrow.</i>) Any advance on + twenty-three and a 'arf? None? Then.—MIDDLEMAN, + Twenty-four, thirteen, six.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Middleman</i> (<i>to the</i> Amiable Spectator, + <i>who has been vaguely inspecting the "Pill-taker."</i>) Don't + know if you noticed it, Sir, but I got that last couple very + cheap—on'y forty-seven guineas the pair, and they are + worth eighty, I solemnly declare to you. I could get forty + a-piece for 'em to-morrow, upon my word and honour, I could. + Ah, and I know who'd <i>give</i> it me for 'em, too!</p> + + <p><i>The A.S.</i> (<i>sympathetically</i>). Dear me, then + you've done very well over it.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.</i> Ah, well ain't the word—and those two + aren't the only lots I've got either. That + "<i>Sandwich-Man</i>" over there is mine—look at the work + in those boards, and the nature in his clay pipe; and "<i>The + Boot-Black</i>," that's mine, too—all worth twice what + <i>I</i> got 'em for—and lovely things, too, ain't + they?</p> + + <p><i>The A.S.</i> Oh, very nice, very + clever—congratulate you, I'm sure.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.</i> I can see you've took a fancy to 'em, Sir, + and, when I come across a gentleman that's a connysewer, I'm + always sorry to stand in his light; so, see here, you can have + any one you like out o' my little lot, or all on 'em, with all + the pleasure in the wide world, Sir, and I'll on'y charge you + five per cent. on what I gave for 'em. and be exceedingly + obliged to you, into the bargain, Sir. (<i>The</i> A.S. + <i>feebly disclaims any desire to take advantage of this + magnanimous offer.</i>) Don't say No, if you mean Yes, Sir. + Will you <i>'ave</i> the "<i>Pill-taker</i>," Sir?</p> + + <p><i>The A.S.</i> (<i>politely</i>). Thank you very much, + but—er—I think <i>not</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.</i> Then perhaps you could do with "<i>The Little + Boot-Black</i>," or "<i>The Sandwich-Man</i>," Sir?</p> + + <p><i>The A.S.</i> Perhaps—but I could do still better + <i>without</i> them.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He moves to another part of the room.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Obl. Broker</i> (<i>whispering beerily in his + ear</i>). Seen anythink yet as takes your fancy, Sir; 'cos, if + so—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> A.S. <i>escapes to a dark corner—where + he is warmly welcomed by</i> Mr. MIDDLEMAN.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. M.</i> <i>Knew</i> you'd think better on it, Sir. Now + which is it to be—the "<i>Boot-Black</i>," or "<i>Mixture + as Before</i>"?</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> Now we come to Lot 19. Massive fluted column in + coral marble with revolving-top—a column, Gentlemen, + which will speak for + itself.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" + id="page243"></a>[pg 243]</span> + + <p><i>The Facetious Bidder</i> (<i>after a scrutiny</i>). Then + it may as well mention, while it's <i>about</i> it, that it's + got a bit out of its back!</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> Flaw in the marble, that's all. (<i>To</i> + Assist.) Nothing the <i>matter</i> with the column, is + there?</p> + + <p><i>Assist.</i> (<i>with reluctant candour</i>). Well, it + <i>'as</i> got a little chipped, Sir.</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>easily</i>). Oh, very well then, we'll sell + it "A.F." Very glad it was found out in time, I'm sure.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Bidding proceeds.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Dealer to Second</i> (<i>in a husky whisper</i>). + Talkin' o' Old Masters, I put young 'ANWAY up to a good thing + the other day.</p> + + <p><i>Second D.</i> (<i>without surprise—probably from a + knowledge of his friend's noble, unselfish nature</i>). + Ah—'ow was that?</p> + + <p><i>First D.</i> Well, there was a picter as I 'appened to + know could be got in for a deal under what it ought—in + good 'ands, mind yer—to fetch. It was a + Morlan'—leastwise, it was so like you couldn't ha' told + the difference, if you understand my meanin'. (<i>The other + nods with complete intelligence.</i>) Well, I 'adn't no openin' + for it myself just then, so I sez to young 'ANWAY, "You might + do worse than go and 'ave a <i>look</i> at it," I told him. And + I run against him yesterday, Wardour Street way, and I sez, + "Did yer go and <i>see</i> that picter?" "Yes," sez he, "and + what's more, I got it at pretty much my own figger, too!" + "Well," sez I, "and ain't yer goin' to <i>shake 'ands with me + over it</i>?"</p> + + <p><i>Second D.</i> (<i>interested</i>). And <i>did</i> he?</p> + + <p><i>First D.</i> Yes, he did—he beyaved very fair over + the matter, I will say <i>that</i> for him.</p> + + <p><i>Second D.</i> Oh, 'ANWAY's a very decent little + feller—<i>now</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>hopefully</i>). Now, Gentlemen, this next + lot'll tempt you, <i>I</i>'m sure! Lot 33, a magnificent and + very finely executed dramatic group out of the "<i>Merchant of + Venice</i>," <i>Othello</i> in the act of smothering + <i>Desdemona</i>, both nearly life-size. (Assist., <i>with a + sardonic inflection</i>. "<i>Group</i> 'ere, <i>Gen'lm'n!</i>") + What shall we say for this great work by ROCCOCIPPI, Gentlemen? + A hundred guineas, just to start us?</p> + + <p><i>The F.B.</i> Can't you put the two figgers up + separate?</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> You know better than that—being a group, + Sir. Come, come, anyone give me a hundred for this magnificent + marble group! The figure of <i>Othello</i> very finely + finished, Gentlemen.</p> + + <p><i>The F.B.</i> I should ha' thought it was <i>her</i> who + was the finely finished one of the two.</p> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> (<i>pained by this levity</i>). Really, + Gentlemen, <i>do</i> 'ave more appreciation of a 'igh-class + work like this!... Twenty-five guineas?... Nonsense! I can't + put it up at that.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Bidding languishes. Lot withdrawn.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Second Disinterested Dealer</i> (<i>to First D.D., in an + undertone</i>). I wouldn't tell everyone, but I shouldn't like + to see <i>you</i> stay 'ere and waste your time; so, in case + you <i>was</i> thinking of waiting for that last lot, I may + just as well mention—[<i>Whispers.</i></p> + + <p><i>First D.D.</i> Ah, it's <i>that</i> way, is it? Much + obliged to you for the 'int. But I'd do the same for you any + day.</p> + + <p><i>Second D.D.</i> I'm <i>sure</i> yer would!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They watch one another suspiciously.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Auct.</i> Now 'ere's a tasteful thing, Gentlemen. Lot. + 41. "<i>Nymph eating Oysters</i>" ("<i>Nymph 'ere, + Gen'lm'n!</i>"), by the celebrated Italian artist VABENE, one + of the finest works of Art in this room, and they're <i>all</i> + exceedingly fine works of Art; but this is <i>truly</i> a work + of Art, Gentlemen. What shall we say for her, eh? + (<i>Silence.</i>) Why, Gentlemen, no more appreciation than + <i>that</i>? Come, don't be afraid of it. Make a beginning. + (<i>Bidding starts.</i>) Forty-five guineas. + Forty-six—<i>pounds</i>. Forty-six pounds only, this + remarkable specimen of modern Italian Art. Forty-six and a + 'arf. Only forty-six ten bid for it. Give character to any + gentleman's collection, a figure like this would. Forty-seven + <i>pounds</i>—<i>guineas</i>! and a 'arf.... Forty-seven + and a 'arf guineas.... For the last time! Bidding with you, + Sir. Forty-seven guineas and a 'arf—Gone! Name, Sir, if + <i>you</i> please. Oh, money? Very well. Thank you.</p> + + <p><i>Proud Purchaser</i> (<i>to Friend, in excuse for his + extravagance</i>). You see, I must have something for that + grotto I've got in the grounds.</p> + + <p><i>His Friend</i>. If she was mine, I should put her in the + hall, and have a gaslight fitted in the oyster-shell.</p> + + <p><i>P.P.</i> (<i>thoughtfully</i>). Not a bad idea. But + electric light would be more suitable, and easier to fix too. + Yes—we'll see.</p> + + <p><i>The Obl. Broker</i> (<i>pursuing the Am. Spect.</i>). I + 'ope, Sir, you'll remember me, next time you're this way.</p> + + <p><i>The Am. Spect.</i> (<i>who has only ransomed himself by + taking over an odd lot, consisting of imitation marble fruit, a + model, under crystal, of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and three + busts of Italian celebrities of whom he has never heard</i>). + I'm afraid I shan't have very much chance of forgetting you. + <i>Good</i> afternoon!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit hurriedly, dropping the fruit, as Scene + closes.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/243.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/243.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>PRIVATE THEATRICALS.</h3> + + <p><i>Fond Parent</i> (<i>to Professional Lady</i>). "TELL + ME, MISS LE VAVASOUR, DID MY SON ACQUIT HIMSELF CREDITABLY + AT THIS AFTERNOON'S REHEARSAL?"</p> + + <p><i>Miss Le Vavasour</i>. "WELL, MY LORD,—IF YOUR + SON ONLY ACTS THE LOVER ON THE STAGE HALF AS ENERGETICALLY + AS HE DOES IN THE GREEN-ROOM, THE PIECE WILL BE A + SUCCESS!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>FROM OUR MUSIC HALL.</h2> + + <p>I had a fine performance at my little place last week. Gave + the <i>Elijah</i> with a chorus whose vigorous delivery and + precision were excellent, and except for uncertain intonation + of <i>soprani</i> in first chorus, I think though perhaps I say + it who shouldn't, I never heard better chorussing within my + walls. Madame SCHMIDT-KOEHNE has a good voice, but I can't say + I approve of her German method, nor do I like embellishments of + text, even when they can be justified. The <i>contralto</i>, + Madame SVIATLOVSKY (O Heavenly name that ends in <i>sky</i>!) + is not what I should have expected, coming to us with such a + name. Perhaps not heard to advantage: perhaps 'vantage to me if + I hadn't heard her. But Miss SARAH BERRY brought down the house + just as SAMSON did, and we were Berry'd all alive, O, and + applauding beautifully. <i>Brava</i>, Miss SARAH BERRY!</p> + + <p>"As we are hearing <i>Elijah</i>," says Mr. Corner Man, "may + I ask you, Sir, what Queen in Scripture History this young lady + reminds me of?" Of course I reply, "I give it up, Sir." + Whereupon he answers, "She reminds me, Sir, of the Queen who + was BERENICÉ—'Berry-Nicey'—see?"</p> + + <p>Number next in the books. Mr. WATKIN MILLS was dignified and + impressive as <i>Elijah</i>; but, while admitting the + excellence of this profit, we can't forget our loss in the + absence of Mr. SANTLEY. BEN MIO DAVIES sang the tenor music, + but apologised for having unfortunately got a pony on the + event,—that is, he had got a little hoarse during the + day. "BEN MIO" is—um—rather <i>troppo operatico</i> + for the oratorio. Mr. BARNBY bravely bâtoned, as usual. Bravo, + BARNBY! He goes on with the work because he likes it. Did he + not, he would say with the <i>General Bombastes</i>—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">"Give o'er! give o'er!</p> + + <p>For I will bâton on this tune no more."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Perhaps the quotation is not quite exact, but no matter, + all's well that ends well, as everyone said as they left.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yours truly,</p> + + <p>ALBERT HALL.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page244" + id="page244"></a>[pg 244]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. VII.—A BUCCANEER'S BLOOD-BATH.</h3> + + <h4><i>By</i> L.S. DEEVENSON, Author of "<i>Toldon + Dryland</i>," "<i>The White Heton</i>," "<i>Wentnap</i>," + "<i>Amiss with a Candletray</i>," "<i>An Outlandish Trip</i>," + "<i>A Travelled Donkey</i>," "<i>A Queer Fall on a Treacle + Slide</i>," "<i>The Old Persian Baronets</i>," &c., + &c., &c.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>[For some weeks before this Novel actually arrived, we + received by every post an immense consignment of + paragraphs, notices, and newspaper cuttings, all referring + to it in glowing terms. "This" observed the <i>Bi-weekly + Boomer</i>, "is, perhaps, the most brilliant effort of the + brilliant and versatile Author's genius. Humour and pathos + are inextricably blended in it. He sweeps with confident + finger over the whole gamut of human emotions, and moves us + equally to terror and to pity. Of the style, it is + sufficient to say that it is Mr. DEEVENSON's." The MS. of + the Novel itself came in a wrapper bearing the Samoan + post-mark.—ED. <i>Punch</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <p>I am a man stricken in years, and-well-nigh spent with + labour, yet it behoves that, for the public good, I should take + pen in hand, and set down the truth of those matters wherein I + played a part. And, indeed, it may befall that, when the tale + is put forth in print, the public may find it to their liking, + and buy it with no sparing hand, so that, at the last, the + payment shall be worthy of the labourer.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/244.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/244.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>I have never been gifted with what pedants miscall courage. + That extreme rashness of the temper which drives fools to their + destruction hath no place in my disposition. A shrinking + meekness under provocation, and a commendable absence of body + whenever blows fell thick, seemed always to me to be the better + part. And for this I have boldly endured many taunts. Yet it so + chanced that in my life I fell in with many to whom the cutting + of throats was but a moment's diversion. Nay, more, in most of + their astounding ventures I shared with them; I made one upon + their reckless forays; I was forced, sorely against my will, to + accompany them upon their stormy voyages, and to endure with + them their dangers; and there does not live one man, since all + of them are dead, and I alone survive, so well able as myself + to narrate these matters faithfully within the compass of a + single five-shilling volume.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>On a December evening of the year 17—, ten men sat + together in the parlour of "The Haunted Man." Without, upon the + desolate moorland, a windless stricture of frost had bound the + air as though in boards, but within, the tongues were loosened, + and the talk flowed merrily, and the clink of steaming tumblers + filled the room. Dr. DEADEYE sat with the rest at the long deal + table, puffing mightily at the brown old Broseley + church-warden, whom the heat and the comfort of his evening + meal had so far conquered, that he resented the doctor's + treatment of him only by an occasional splutter. For myself, I + sat where the warmth of the cheerful fire could reach my + chilled toes, close by the side of the good doctor. I was a + mere lad, and even now, as I search in my memory for these + long-forgotten scenes, I am prone to marvel at my own + heedlessness in thus affronting these lawless men. But, indeed, + I knew them not to be lawless, or I doubt not but that my + prudence had counselled me to withdraw ere the events befell + which I am now about to narrate.</p> + + <p>As I remember, the Doctor and Captain JAWKINS were seated + opposite to one another, and, as their wont was, they were in + high debate upon a question of navigation, on which the Doctor + held and expressed an emphatic opinion.</p> + + <p>"Never tell me," he said, with flaming aspect, "that the + common term, 'Port your helm,' implies aught but what a man, + not otherwise foolish, would gather from the word. Port means + port, and starboard is starboard, and all the d——d + sea-captains in the world cannot move me from that." With that + the Doctor beat his fist upon the table until the glasses + rattled again and glared into the Captain's weather-beaten + face.<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a> + <a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + + <p>"Hear the man," said the Captain—"hear him. A man + would think he had spent his days and nights upon the sea, + instead of mixing pills and powders all his life in a snuffy + village dispensary."</p> + + <p>The quarrel seemed like to be fierce, when a sudden sound + struck upon our ears, and stopped all tongues. I cannot call it + a song. Rather, it was like the moon-struck wailing of some + unhappy dog, low, and unearthly; and yet not that, either, for + there were words to it. That much we all heard distinctly.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Fifteen two and a pair make four,</p> + + <p>Two for his heels, and that makes six."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>We listened, awestruck, with blanched faces, scarce daring + to look at one another. For myself, I am bold to confess that I + crept under the sheltering table and hid my head in my hands. + Again the mournful notes were moaned forth—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Fifteen two and a pair make four,</p> + + <p>Two for his heels, and—"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>But ere it was ended, Captain JAWKINS had sprung forward, + and rushed into the further corner of the parlour. "I know that + voice," he cried aloud; "I know it amid a thousand!" And even + as he spoke, a strange light dispelled the shadows, and by its + rays we could see the crouching form of BILL BLUENOSE, with the + red seam across his face where the devil had long since done + his work.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>I had forgot to say that, as he ran, the Captain had drawn + his sword. In the confusion which followed on the discovery of + BLUENOSE, I could not rightly tell how each thing fell out; + indeed, from where I lay, with the men crowding together in + front of me, to see at all was no easy matter. But this I saw + clearly. The Captain stood in the corner, his blade raised to + strike. BLUENOSE never stirred, but his breath came and went, + and his eyelids blinked strangely, like the flutter of a sere + leaf against the wall. There came a roar of voices, and, in the + tumult, the Captain's sword flashed quickly, and fell. Then, + with a broken cry like a sheep's bleat, the great seamed face + fell separate from the body, and a fountain of blood rose into + the air from the severed neck, and splashed heavily upon the + sanded floor of the parlour.</p> + + <p>"Man, man!" cried the Doctor, angrily, "what have ye done? + Ye've kilt BLUENOSE, and with him goes our chance of the + treasure. But, maybe, it's not yet too late."</p> + + <p>So saying, he plucked the head from the floor and clapped it + again upon its shoulders. Then, drawing a long stick of + sealing-wax from his pocket, he held it well before the + Captain's ruddy face. The wax splattered and melted. The Doctor + applied it to the cut with deft fingers, and with a strange + condescension of manner in one so proud. My heart beat like a + bird's, both quick and little; and on a sudden BLUENOSE raised + his dripping hands, and in a quavering kind of voice piped + out—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Fifteen two and a pair make four."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>But we had heard too much, and the next moment we were + speeding with terror at our backs across the desert + moorland.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>You are to remember that when the events I have narrated + befell I was but a lad, and had a lad's horror of that which + smacked of the supernatural. As we ran, I must have fallen in a + swoon, for I remember nothing more until I found myself walking + with trembling feet through the policies of the ancient mansion + of Dearodear. By my side strode a young nobleman, whom I + straightway recognised as + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" + id="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span> the Master. His gallant + bearing and handsome face served but to conceal the black + heart that beat within his breast. He gazed at me with a + curious look in his eyes.</p> + + <p>"SQUARETOES, SQUARETOES," said he—it was thus he had + named me, and by that I knew that we were in Scotland, and that + my name was become MACKELLAR—"I have a mind to end your + prying and your lectures here where we stand."</p> + + <p>"End it," said I, with a boldness which seemed strange to me + even as I spoke; "end it, and where will you be? A penniless + beggar and an outcast."</p> + + <p>"The old fool speaks truly," he continued, kicking me twice + violently in the back, but otherwise ignoring my presence; "and + if I end him, who shall tell the story? Nay, SQUARETOES, let us + make a compact. I will play the villain, and brawl, and cheat, + and murder; you shall take notes of my actions, and, after I + have died dramatically in a North American forest, you shall + set up a stone to my memory, and publish the story. What say + you? Your hand upon it."</p> + + <p>Such was the fascination of the man that even then I could + not withstand him. Moreover, the measure of his misdeeds was + not yet full. My caution prevailed, and I gave him my hand.</p> + + <p>"Done!" said he; "and a very good bargain for you, + SQUARETOES!"</p> + + <p>Let the public, then, judge between me and the Master, since + of his house not one remains, and I alone may write the + tale.</p> + + <p>(To be continued.—Author.) THE END.—Ed. + <i>Punch</i>.</p> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p><i>Editor to Author</i>: "How did the glasses manage to + glare? It seems an odd proceeding for a glass. Answer + paid."</p> + + <p><i>Author to Editor</i>: "Don't be a fool. I meant the + Doctor—not the glasses."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p><i>The Children of the Castle</i>, by Mrs. MOLESWORTH + (published by MACMILLAN), will certainly be a favourite with + the children in the house. A quaintly pretty story of child + life and fairies, such as she can write so well, it is valuably + assisted with Illustrations by WALTER CRANE.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/245.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/245.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>GEORGE ROUTLEDGE evidently means to catch the youthful + book-worm's eye by the brilliancy of his bindings, but the + attraction will not stay there long, for the contents are equal + to the covers.</p> + + <p>These are days of reminiscences, so "<i>Bob," the Spotted + Terrier</i>, writes his own tale, or, wags it. Illustrations by + HARRISON WEIR. And here for the tiny ones, bless 'em, is <i>The + House that Jack Built</i>,—a paper book in actually the + very shape of the house he built! And then there's the + melancholy but moral tale of <i>Froggy would a-Wooing Go</i>. + "Recommended," says the Baron.</p> + + <p>Published by DEAN AND SON, who should call their publishing + establishment "The Deanery," is <i>The Doyle Fairy Book</i>, a + splendid collection of regular fairy lore; and the + Illustrations are by RICHARD DOYLE, which needs nothing + more.</p> + + <p><i>The Mistletoe Bough</i>, edited by M.E. BRADDON, is not + only very strong to send forth so many sprigs, but it is a + curious branch, as from each sprig hangs a tale. The first, by + the Editor and Authoress, <i>His Oldest Friends</i>, is + excellent.</p> + + <p><i>Flowers of The Hunt</i>, by FINCH MASON, published by + Messrs. FORES. Rather too spring-like a title for a sporting + book, as it suggests hunting for flowers. Sketchy and + amusing.</p> + + <p>HACHETTE AND CIE, getting ahead of Christmas, and neck and + neck with the New Year, issue a <i>Nouveau Calendrier + Perpéteul</i>, "<i>Les Amis Fidèles</i>," representing three + poodles, the first of which carries in his mouth the day of the + week, the second the day of the month, and the third the name + of the month. This design is quaint, and if not absolutely + original, is new in the combination and application. + Unfortunately it only suggests one period of the year, the + dog-days, but in 1892 this can be improved upon, and + amplified.</p> + + <p>No nursery would be complete without a <i>Chatterbox</i>, + and, as a reward to keep him quiet, <i>The Prize</i> would come + in useful. WELLS, DARTON, & GARDNER, can supply both of + them.</p> + + <p>F. WARNE has another Birthday-book, <i>Fortune's Mirror, Set + in Gems</i>, by M. HALFORD, with Illustrations by KATE + CRAUFORD. A novel idea of setting the mirror in the binding; + but, to find your fortune, you must look inside, and then you + will see what gem ought to be worn in the month of your + birth.</p> + + <p>WILLERT BEALE's <i>Light of Other Days</i> is most + interesting to those who, like the Baron, remember the latter + days of GRISI and MARIO, who can call to mind MARIO in <i>Les + Huguenots</i>, in <i>Trovatore</i>, in <i>Rigoletto</i>; and + GRISI in <i>Norma</i>, <i>Valentina</i>, <i>Fides</i>, + <i>Lucrezia</i>, and some others. It seems to me that the + centre of attraction in these two volumes is the history of + MARIO and GRISI on and off the stage; and the gem of all is the + simple narrative of Mrs. GODFREY PEARSE, their daughter, which + M. WILLERT BEALE has had the good taste to give + <i>verbatim</i>, with few notes or comments. To think that only + twenty years ago we lost GRISI, and that only nine years ago + MARIO died in Rome! Peace to them both! In Art they were a + glorious couple, and in their death our thoughts cannot divide + them. GRISI and MARIO, Queen and King of song, inseparable. I + have never looked upon their like again, and probably never + shall. My tribute to their memory is, to advise all those to + whom their memory is dear, and those to whom their memory is + but a tradition, to read these Reminiscences, of them and of + others, by WILLERT BEALE, in order to learn all they can about + this romantic couple, who, caring little for money, and + everything for their art, were united in life, in love, in + work, and, let us, <i>peccatores</i>, humbly hope, in death. + WILLERT BEALE has, in his Reminiscences, given us a greater + romance of real life than will be found in twenty volumes of + novels, by the most eminent authors. Yet all so naturally and + so simply told. At least so, with moist eyes, says your + tender-hearted critic,</p> + + <p>THE SYMPATHETIC BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>WIGS AND RADICALS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["As a protest against the acceptance by the Corporation + of Sunderland of robes, wigs, and cocked hats, for the + Mayor and Town Clerk, Mr. STOREY, M.P., has sent in his + resignation of the office of Alderman of that + body."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. Tell us what has chanced to-day, that STOREY + looks so sad.</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Why, there was a wig and a cocked hat offered + him, and he put it away with the back of his hand, thus; and + then the Sunderland Radicals fell a-shouting.</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. What was the second noise for?</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Why, for that too.</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. They shouted thrice—what was the last + cry for?</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Why, for that too—not to mention a + municipal robe.</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. Was the wig, &c, offered him thrice?</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Ay, marry, was it, and he put the things by + thrice, every time more savagely than before.</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. Who offered him the wig?</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Why, the Sunderland Municipality, of + course—stoopid!</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. Tell us the manner of it, gentle CASCA.</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. I can as well be hanged, as tell you. It was + mere foolery, I did not mark it. I saw the people offer a + cocked hat to him—yet 'twas not to him neither, because + he's only an Alderman, 'twas to the Mayor and Town + Clerk—and, as I told you, he put the things by thrice; + yet, to my thinking, had he been Mayor, he would fain have had + them. And the rabblement, of course, cheered such an exhibition + of stern Radical simplicity, and STOREY called the wig a + bauble, though, to my thinking, there's not much bauble about + it, and the cocked-hat he called a mediæval intrusion, though, + to my thinking, there were precious few cocked-hats in the + Middle Ages. Then he said he would no more serve as Alderman; + and the Mayor and the Town Clerk cried—"Alas, good + soul!"—and accepted his resignation with all their + hearts.</p> + + <p><i>Brutus</i>. Then will not the Sunderland Town Hall miss + him?</p> + + <p><i>Casca</i>. Not it, as I am a true man! There'll be a + STOREY the less on it, that's all. Farewell!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Not there, Not there, My Child!"</h3> + + <p>By some misadventure I was unable to attend the pianoforte + recital of Paddy REWSKI, the player from Irish Poland at the + St. James's Hall last Wednesday. Everybody much pleased, I'm + told. Glad to hear it. I was "Not there, not there, my child!" + But audience gratified—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"And Stalldom shrieked when Paddy REWSKI played,"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>as the Poet says, or something like it. I hear he made a + hit. The papers say he did, and if he didn't it's another + thumper, that's all.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"SO NO MAYER AT PRESENT FROM YOURS TRULY THE ENTREPRENEUR OF + THE FRENCH PLAYS, ST. JAMES'S THEATRE."—It is hard on the + indefatigable M. MAYER, but when Englishmen can so easily cross + the Channel, and so willingly brave the <i>mal-de-mer</i> for + the sake of a week in Paris, it is not likely that they will + patronise French theatricals in London, even for their own + linguistic and artistic improvement, or solely for the benefit + of the deserving and enterprising M. MAYER. Even if it be + <i>mal-de-mer</i> against <i>bien de Mayer</i>, an English + admirer of French acting would risk the former to get a week in + Paris. We are sorry 'tis so, but so 'tis.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"THE MAGAZINE RIFLE."—Is this invention patented by + the Editor of <i>The Review of Reviews</i>? Good title for the + Staff of that Magazine, "The Magazine Rifle Corps."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page246" + id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/246.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/246.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>UNNECESSARY CANDOUR.</h3> + + <p><i>Critic</i>. "BY JOVE, HOW ONE CHANGES! I'VE QUITE + CEASED TO ADMIRE THE KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO THINK SO + CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO; AND <i>VICE VERSÂ</i>!"</p> + + <p><i>Pictor</i>. "THAT'S AS IT <i>SHOULD</i> BE! IT SHOWS + PROGRESS, DEVELOPMENT! IT'S AN UNMISTAKABLE PROOF THAT + YOU'VE REACHED A HIGHER INTELLECTUAL AND ARTISTIC LEVEL, A + MORE ADVANCED STAGE OF CULTURE, A LOFTIER—"</p> + + <p><i>Critic</i>. "I'M GLAD YOU THINK SO, OLD MAN. BUT, + CONFOUND IT, YOU KNOW!—THE KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO + THINK SO CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO, HAPPENS TO BE + <i>YOURS</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Appeal's to Justice! Justice lendeth ear</p> + + <p>Unstirred by favour, unseduced by fear;</p> + + <p>And they who Justice love must check the thrill</p> + + <p>Of natural shame, and listen, and be still.</p> + + <p>These wrangling tales of horror shake the heart</p> + + <p>With pitiful disgust. Oh, glorious part</p> + + <p>For British manhood, much bepraised, to play</p> + + <p>In that dark land late touched by culture's day!</p> + + <p>Are these our Heroes pictured each by each?</p> + + <p>We fondly deemed that where our English speech</p> + + <p>Sounded, there English hearts, of mould humane.</p> + + <p>Justice would strengthen, cruelty restrain.</p> + + <p>And is it all a figment of false pride?</p> + + <p><i>Such</i> horrors do our vaunting annals hide</p> + + <p>Beneath a world of words, like flowers that wave</p> + + <p>In tropic swamps o'er a malarious grave?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These are the questions which perforce intrude</p> + + <p>As the long tale of horror coarse and crude,</p> + + <p>Rolls out its sickening chapters one by one.</p> + + <p>What will the verdict be when all is done?</p> + + <p>Conflicting counsels in loud chorus rise,</p> + + <p>"Hush the thing up!" the knowing cynic cries,</p> + + <p>"Arm not our chuckling enemies at gaze</p> + + <p>With charnel dust to foul our brightest bays!</p> + + <p>Let the dead past bury its tainted dead,</p> + + <p>Lest aliens at our 'heroes' wag the head."</p> + + <p>"Shocking! wails out the sentimentalist.</p> + + <p>Believe no tale unpleasant, scorn to list</p> + + <p>To slanderous charges on the British name!</p> + + <p>That brutish baseness, or that sordid shame</p> + + <p>Can touch 'our gallant fellows,' is a thing</p> + + <p>Incredible. Do not our poets sing,</p> + + <p>Our pressmen praise in dithyrambic prose,</p> + + <p>The 'lads' who win our worlds and face our foes?</p> + + <p>Who never, save to human pity, yield</p> + + <p>One step in wilderness or battlefield!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Meanwhile, with troubled eyes and straining + hands,</p> + + <p>Silent, attentive, thoughtful, Justice stands.</p> + + <p>To her alone let the appeal be made.</p> + + <p>Heroes, or merely tools of huckstering Trade,</p> + + <p>Men brave, though fallible, or sordid brutes,</p> + + <p>Let all be heard. Since each to each imputes</p> + + <p>Unmeasured baseness, <i>somewhere</i> the black + stain</p> + + <p>Must surely rest. The dead speak not, the slain</p> + + <p>Have not a voice, save such as that which spoke</p> + + <p>From ABEL's blood. Green laurels, or the stroke</p> + + <p>Of shame's swift scourge? There's the + alternative</p> + + <p>Before the lifted eyes of those who live.</p> + + <p>One fain would see the grass unstained that + waves</p> + + <p>In the dark Afric waste o'er those two graves.</p> + + <p>To Justice the protagonist makes appeal.</p> + + <p>Justice would wish him smirchless as her steel,</p> + + <p>But stands with steadfast eyes and unbowed head</p> + + <p>Silent—betwixt the Living and the Dead!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERA NOTES.</h2> + + <p>What's a Drama without a Moral, and what's <i>Rigoletto</i> + without a MAUREL, who was cast for the part, but who was too + indisposed to appear? So Signor GALASSI came and "played the + fool" instead, much to the satisfaction of all concerned, and + all were very much concerned about the illness or indisposition + of M. MAUREL. DIMITRESCO not particularly strong as the + <i>Dook</i>; but Mlle. STROMFELD came out well as <i>Gilda</i>, + and, being called, came out in excellent form in front of the + Curtain. Signor BEVIGNANI, beating time in Orchestra, and time + all the better for his beating.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"FOR THIS RELIEF MUCH THANKS."—The difficulties in The + City, which <i>Mr. Punch</i> represented in his Cartoon of + November 8, were by the <i>Times</i> of last Saturday publicly + acknowledged to be at an end. The adventurous mariners were + luckily able to rest on the Bank, and are now once more fairly + started. They will bear in mind the warning of the Old Lady of + Threadneedle Street, as given to the boys in the above + mentioned Cartoon.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page247" + id="page247"></a>[pg 247]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/247.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/247.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page249" + id="page249"></a>[pg 249]</span> + + <h2>AVENUE HUNCHBACK.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/249-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/249-1.png" + alt="" /></a>Mr. Punch applauding Master Walter George + Desmarets. + </div> + + <p>Of course there is nothing very new in the idea of a cripple + loving a beautiful maiden, while the beautiful maiden bestows + her affections on somebody else. SHERIDAN KNOWLES's Hunchback, + <i>Master Walter</i>, is an exception to Hunchbacks generally, + as he turns out to be the father, not the lover, of the leading + lady. It has remained for Mr. CARTON to give us in an original + three-act play a deformed hero, who has to sacrifice love to + duty, or, rather, to let self-abnegation triumph over the + gratification of self. This self-sacrificing part is admirably + played by Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, whose simple make-up for the + character is irreproachable. That something more can still be + made by him of the scene of his great temptation I feel sure, + and if he does this he will have developed several full leaves + from his already budding laurels, and, which is presently + important, he will have added another 100 nights to the + run.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/249-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/249-2.png" + alt="" /></a>Dr. Latimer at the Steak. Historical + subject treated in Act II. of <i>S. & S.</i> + </div> + + <p><i>Maud</i> (<i>without</i> the final "<i>e</i>") capitally + played by Miss MAUDE (<i>with</i> the final "E") MILLETT. (Why + didn't the author choose another name when this character was + cast to Miss MILLETT? Not surely for the sake of someone + saying, "Come into the garden"—eh? And the author has + already indulged his pungent humour by giving "<i>George</i>" + <i>Addis</i> to "GEORGE" ALEXANDER. Mistake.) This character of + <i>Maud</i> is a sketch of an utterly odious + girl,—odious, that is, at home, but fascinating no doubt, + away from the domestic circle. Is a sketch of such a character + worth the setting? How one pities the future Bamfield + <i>ménage</i>, when the unfortunate idiot <i>Bamfield</i>, well + represented by Mr. BEN WEBSTER, has married this flirting, + flighty, sharp-tongued, selfish little girl. To these two are + given some good, light, and bright comedy scenes, recalling to + the mind of the middle-aged playgoer the palmy days of what + used to be known as the Robertsonian "Tea-cup-and-saucer + Comedies," with dialogue, scarcely <i>fin de siècle</i> + perhaps, but pleasant to listen to, when spoken by Miss MAUDE + MILLETT, MISS TERRY, and Mr. BEN WEBSTER.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:44%;"> + <a href="images/249-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/249-3.png" + alt="" /></a>"The Shadow," but more like the + substance. Collapse of Mr. Yorke Stephens into the + arms of Miss Marrying Terry, on hearing the Shadow + exclaim, "Yorke (Stephens), you're wanted!" + </div> + + <p>In Miss MARION TERRY's <i>Helen</i>, the elder of the + Doctor's daughters, we have a charming type, nor could Mr. + NUTCOMBE GOULD's <i>Dr. Latimer</i> be improved upon as an + artistic performance where repose and perfectly natural + demeanour give a certain coherence and solidity to the entire + work. Mr. YORKE STEPHENS as <i>Mark Denzil</i> is too heavy, + and his manner conveys the impression that, at some time or + other, he will commit a crime, such, perhaps, as stealing the + money from the Doctor's desk; or, when this danger is past and + he hasn't done it, his still darkening, melodramatic manner + misleads the audience into supposing that in Act III, he will + make away with his objectionable wife, possess himself of the + two hundred pounds, and then, just at the moment when, with a + darkling scowl and a gleaming eye, he steps forward to claim + his affianced bride, <i>Scollick</i>, Mr. ALFRED HOLLES, + hitherto only known as the drunken gardener, will throw off his + disguise, and, to a burst of applause from an excited audience, + will say, "I arrest you for murder and robbery! and—I am + HAWKSHAW the Detective!!!" or words to this effect. In his + impersonation of <i>Mark Denzil</i> Mr. STEPHENS seems to have + attempted an imitation of the light and airy style of Mr. + ARTHUR STIRLING.</p> + + <p>The end of the Second Act is, to my thinking, a mistake in + dramatic art. Everyone of the audience knows that the woman who + has stolen the money is <i>Mark Denzil's</i> wife, and nobody + requires from <i>Denzil</i> himself oral confirmation of the + fact, much less do they want an interval of several + minutes,—it may be only seconds, but it seems + minutes,—before the Curtain descends, occupied only by + <i>Mark Denzil</i> imploring that his wife shall not be taken + before the magistrate and be charged with theft. This is an + anti-climax, weakening an otherwise effective situation, as the + immediate result of this scene could easily be given in a + couple of sentences of dialogue at the commencement of the last + Act. It is this fault, far more than the unpruned passages of + dialogue, that makes this interesting and well acted play + <i>seem</i> too long—at least, such is the honest opinion + of A FRIEND IN FRONT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BURDEN OF BACILLUS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is there no one to protect us, is existence then a + sin,</p> + + <p>That we're worried here in London and in Paris and + Berlin?</p> + + <p>We would live at peace with all men, but "Destroy + them!" is the cry,</p> + + <p>Physiological assassins are not happy till we + die.</p> + + <p>With the rights of man acknowledged, can you wonder + that we squirm</p> + + <p>At the endless persecution of the much-maltreated + germ.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We are ta'en from home and hearthstone, from the + newly-wedded bride,</p> + + <p>To be looked at by cold optics on a microscopic + slide;</p> + + <p>We are boiled and stewed together, and they never + think it hurts;</p> + + <p>We're injected into rabbits by those hypodermic + squirts:</p> + + <p>Never safe, although so very insignificant in + size,</p> + + <p>There's no peace for poor Bacillus, so it seems, + until he dies.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is strange to think how men lived in the days of + long ago,</p> + + <p>When the fact of our existence they had never + chanced to know.</p> + + <p>If the scientific ghouls are right who hunt us to + the death,</p> + + <p>Those who came before them surely had expired ere + they drew breath:</p> + + <p>We were there in those old ages, thriving in our + youthful bloom;</p> + + <p>Then there was no KOCH or PASTEUR bent on compassing + our doom.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Men humanity are preaching, and philanthropists + elate</p> + + <p>Point out he who injures horses shall be punished by + the State;</p> + + <p>Dogs are carefully protected, likewise the domestic + cats,</p> + + <p>Possibly kind-hearted people would not draw the line + at rats:</p> + + <p>If all that be right and proper, why then persecute + and kill us?</p> + + <p>Lo! the age's foremost martyr is the vilified + Bacillus!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WALK UP!</h3> + + <p>As far as Vigo Street, and see Mr. NETTLESHIP's Wild Beast + Show at the sign of "The Rembrandt Head." Here are Wild Animals + to be seen done from the life, and to the life; tawny lions, + sleepy bears, flapping vultures, and eagles, and brilliant + macaws—all in excellent condition. Observe the "Lion + roaring" at No. 28, and the "Ibis flying" with the sunlight on + his big white wings against a deep blue sky, No. 36. All these + Wild Animals can be safely guaranteed as pleasant and agreeable + companions to live with, and so, judging from certain labels on + the frames, the British picture-buyer has already discovered. + Poor Mr. NETTLESHIP's Menagerie will return to him shorn of its + finest specimens—that is, if he ever sees any of them + back at all.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page250" + id="page250"></a>[pg 250]</span> + + <h2>IN OUR GARDEN.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:48%;"> + <a href="images/250.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/250.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>It has occurred to me in looking back over these + unpremeditated notes, that if by any chance they came to be + published, the public might gain the impression that the Member + for SARK and I did all the work of the Garden, whilst our hired + man looked on. SARK, to whom I have put the case, says that is + precisely it. But I do not agree with him. We have, as I have + already explained, undertaken this new responsibility from a + desire to preserve health and strength useful to our QUEEN and + Country. Therefore we, as ARPACHSHAD says, potter about the + Garden, get in each other's way, and in his; that is to say, we + are out working pretty well all day, with inadequate intervals + for meals.</p> + + <p>ARPACHSHAD, to do him justice, is most anxious not to + interfere with our project by unduly taking labour on himself. + When we are shifting earth, and as we shift it backwards and + forwards there is a good deal to be done in that way, he is + quite content to walk by the side, or in front of the barrow, + whilst SARK wheels it, and I walk behind, picking up any bits + that have shaken out of the vehicle. (Earth trodden into the + gravel-walk would militate against its efficiency.) But of + course ARPACHSHAD is, in the terms of his contract, "a working + gardener," and I see that he works.</p> + + <p>At the same time it must be admitted that he does not + display any eagerness in engaging himself, nor does he rapidly + and energetically carry out little tasks which are set him. + There are, for example, the sods about the trees in the + orchard. He says it's very bad for the trees to have the sods + close up to their trunks. There should be a small space of open + ground. ARPACHSHAD thought that perhaps "the gents," as he + calls us, would enjoy digging a clear space round the trees. We + thought we would, and set to work. But SARK having woefully + hacked the stem of a young apple-tree (<i>Lord Suffield</i>) + and I having laboriously and carefully cut away the entire + network of the roots of a damson-tree, under the impression + that it was a weed, it was decided that ARPACHSHAD had better + do this skilled labour. We will attain to it by-and-by.</p> + + <p>ARPACHSHAD has now been engaged on the work for a fortnight, + and I think it will carry him on into the spring. The way he + walks round the harmless apple-tree before cautiously putting + in the spade, is very impressive. Having dug three exceedingly + small sods, he packs them in a basket, and then, with a great + sigh, heaves it on to his shoulder, and walks off to store the + sods by the potting-shed. Anything more solemn than his walk, + more depressing than his mien, has not been seen outside a + churchyard. If he were burying the child of his old age, he + could not look more cut up. SARK, who, probably owing to + personal associations, is beginning to develop some sense of + humour, walked by the side of him this morning whistling + "<i>The Dead March in Saul</i>."</p> + + <p>The effect was unexpected and embarrassing. ARPACHSHAD + slowly relieved himself of the burden of the three sods, + dropped them on the ground with a disproportionate thud, and, + producing a large pocket-handkerchief, whose variegated and + brilliant colours were, happily, dimmed by a month's use, + mopped his eyes.</p> + + <p>"You'll excuse <i>me</i>, gents," he snuffled, "but I never + hear that there tune, '<i>Rule Britanny</i>,' whistled or sung + but I think of the time when I went down to see my son off from + Portsmouth for the Crimee, '<i>Rule Britanny</i>' was the tune + they played when he walked proudly aboard. He was in all the + battles, Almy, Inkerman, Ballyklaver, Seringapatam, and + Sebastopol."</p> + + <p>"And was he killed?" asked the Member for SARK, making as + though he would help ARPACHSHAD with the basket on to his + shoulder again.</p> + + <p>"No," said ARPACHSHAD, overlooking the attention—"he + lived to come home; and last week he rode in the Lord Mayor's + coach through the streets of London, with all his medals on. + Five shillings for the day, and a good blow-out, presided over + by Mr. AUGUSTIN HARRIS, in his Sheriff's Cloak and Chain at the + 'Plough-and-Thunder,' in the Barbican."</p> + + <p>HARTINGTON came down to see us to-day. Mentioned ARPACHSHAD, + and his natural indisposition to hurry himself.</p> + + <p>"Why should he?" asked HARTINGTON, yawning, as he leaned + over the fence. "What's the use, as Whosthis says, of ever + climbing up the climbing wave? I can't understand how you + fellows go about here with your shirt-sleeves turned up, + bustling along as if you hadn't a minute to spare. It's just + the same in the House; bustle everywhere; everybody straining + and pushing—everybody but me."</p> + + <p>"Well," said SARK, "but you've been up in Scotland, making + quite a lot of speeches. Just as if you were Mr. G. + himself."</p> + + <p>"Yes," said HARTINGTON, looking admiringly at ARPACHSHAD, + who had taken off his coat, and was carefully folding it up, + preparatory to overtaking a snail, whose upward march on a + peach-tree his keen eye had noted; "but that wasn't my fault. I + was dragged into it against my will. It came about this way. + Months ago, when Mr. G.'s tour was settled, they said nothing + would do but that I must follow him over the same ground, + speech by speech. If it had been to take place in the next day + or two, or in the next week, I would have plumply said No. But, + you see, it was a long way off. No one could say what might not + happen in the interval. If I'd said No, they would have worried + me week after week. If I said Yes, at least I wouldn't be bored + on the matter for a month or two. So I consented, and, when the + time came, I had to put in an appearance. But I mean to cut the + whole business. Shall take a Garden, like you and SARK, only it + shall be a place to lounge in, not to work in. Should like to + have a fellow like your ARPACHSHAD; soothing and comforting to + see him going about his work."</p> + + <p>"I suppose you'll take a partner?" I asked. "Hope you'll get + one more satisfactory than SARK has proved."</p> + + <p>HARTINGTON blushed a rosy red at this reference to a + partner. Didn't know he was so sensitive on account of SARK; + abruptly changed subject.</p> + + <p>"Fact is, TOBY," he said, "I hate politics; always been + dragged into them by one man or another. First it was BRIGHT; + then Mr. G.; now the MARKISS is always at me, making out that + chaos will come if I don't stick at my place in the House + during the Session, and occasionally go about country making + speeches in the recess. Wouldn't mind the House if seats were + more comfortable. Can sleep there pretty well for twenty + minutes before dinner; but nothing to rest your head against; + back falls your head; off goes your hat; and then those Radical + fellows grin. I could stand politics better if Front Opposition + Bench or Treasury Bench were constructed on principle of family + pews in country churches. Get a decent quiet corner, and there + you are. In any new Reformed Parliament hope they'll think of + it; though it doesn't matter much to me. I'm going to cut it. + Done my share; been abused now all round the Party circle. + Conservatives, Whigs, Liberals, Radicals, Irish Members, Scotch + and Welsh, each alternately have praised and belaboured me. My + old enemies now my closest friends. Old friends look at me + askance. It's a poor business. I never liked it, never had + anything to get out of it, and you'll see presently that I'll + give it up. Don't you suppose, TOBY my boy, that you shall keep + the monopoly of retirement. I'll find a partner, peradventure + an ARPACHSHAD, and we'll all live happily for the rest of our + life."</p> + + <p>With his right hand thrust in his trouser-pocket, his left + swinging loosely at his side, and his hat low over his brow, + HARTINGTON lounged off till his tall figure was lost in the + gloaming.</p> + + <p>"That's the man for <i>my</i> money," said ARPACHSHAD, + looking with growing discontent at the Member for SARK, who, + with the only blade left in his tortoiseshell-handled penknife, + was diligently digging weeds out of the walk.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>In the Club Smoking-Room.</h3> + + <p>"Lux Mundi," said somebody, reading aloud the title heading + a lengthy criticism in the <i>Times</i>.</p> + + <p>"Don't know so much about that," observed a sporting and + superstitious young man; "but I know that '<i>Ill luck's + Friday</i>.'"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page251" + id="page251"></a>[pg 251]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/251.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/251.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HIGHER EDUCATION.</h3><i>Mr. Punch</i>. "THAT'S ALL + VERY WELL, BUT IT'S TOO DULL. LET THEM HAVE A LITTLE + SUNSHINE, OR THEY WILL NEVER FOLLOW YOU." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page252" + id="page252"></a>[pg 252]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/252.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/252.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A POSER.</h3> + + <p><i>Fair Client</i>. "I'M ALWAYS PHOTOGRAPHED FROM THE + SAME SIDE, BUT I FORGET WHICH!"</p> + + <p><i>Scotch Photographer</i> (<i>reflectively</i>). "WELL, + IT'LL NO BE <i>THIS</i> SIDE, I'M THINKIN'. MAYBE IT'S + T'ITHER!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h2> + + <p>Yes, quite so. It's a very good excuse! Whenever I do not + turn up when I am expected, my children say, "Pa's about + pictures." It's just the same as a doctor, when he forgets to + keep an appointment, says, "he has unexpectedly been called + out." Yah! <i>I'd</i> call some of 'em out if I had the chance. + I took French leave the other day, and went to the French + Gallery, expecting to see sketches in French chalk, or studies + in French grey. Nothing of the kind! Mr. WALLIS will have his + little joke. The main part of the exhibition is essentially + English, and so I found my Parisian accent was entirely thrown + away. If it had only been Scotch, I could have said something + about the "Scots wha hae wi' WALLIS," but I didn't have even + that chance. Too bad, though, the show is a good one. "English, + you know, quite English." Lots of good landscapes by LEADER, + bright, fresh, breezy. Young painters should "follow their + Leader," and they can't go very far wrong. I would write a + leader on the subject, and introduce something about the + land-scape-goat, only I know it would be cut out. Being very + busy, sent Young Par to see Miss CHARLOTTE ROBINSON's + Exhibition of Screens. He behaved badly. Instead of looking at + matters in a serious light, he seemed to look upon the whole + affair as a "screening farce," and began to sing—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here screens of all kinds you may see,</p> + + <p>Designed most ar-tist-<i>tic</i>-a-lee,</p> + + <p>In exquisite va-ri-e-tee,</p> + + <p class="i2">By clever CHARLOTTE ROBINSON!</p> + + <p>They'll screen you from the bitter breeze,</p> + + <p>They'll screen you when you take your teas,</p> + + <p>They'll screen you when you flirt with + shes—</p> + + <p class="i2">Delightful CHARLOTTE ROBINSON!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>He then folded his arms, and began to sing, "with my + riddle-ol, de riddle-ol, de ri, de O," danced a hornpipe all + over the place, broke several valuable pieces of furniture, and + was removed in charge of the police. And this is the boy that + was to be a comfort to me in my old age!</p> + + <p>Yours parabolically, OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Novel praise from the <i>D.T.</i> for the Lord Mayor's Show, + during a pause for lunch:—"It is so quaint, so bright, so + thoroughly un-English." The Lord Mayor's Show "So Un-English, + you know"! Then, indeed have we arrived at the end of the + ancient <i>al-fresco</i> spectacle.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN A HOLE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Brief Imperial Tragi-Comedy, in Two Acts, in Active + Rehearsal.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Well, if it comes to fighting, we should be just in a + hole."—<i>A Linesman's Opinion of the New Rifle, from + Conversation in Daily Paper.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h3>ACT I.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Public Place in Time of Peace.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. Britannia</i> (<i>receiving a highly finished and + improved newly constructed scientific weapon from cautious and + circumspect Head of Department</i>). And so this is the new + Magazine Rifle?</p> + + <p><i>Head of Department</i> (<i>in a tone of quiet and + self-satisfied triumph</i>). It is, Madam.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Britannia</i>. And I may take your word for it, that + it is a weapon I can with confidence place in the hands of my + soldiers.</p> + + <p><i>Head of Department</i>. You may, Madam. Excellent as has + been all the work turned out by the Department I have the + honour to represent, I think I may fairly claim this as our + greatest achievement. No less than nine firms have been + employed in its construction, and I am proud to say that in one + of the principal portions of its intricate mechanism, fully + seven-and-thirty different parts, united by microscopic screws, + are employed in the adjustment. But allow me to explain. + [<i>Does so, giving an elaborate and confusing account of the + construction, showing that, without the greatest care, and + strictest attention to a series of minute precautions on the + part of the soldier, the weapon is likely to get suddenly out + of order, and prove worse than useless in action. This, + however, he artfully glides over in his description, minimising + all its possible defects, and finally insisting that no power + in Europe has turned out such a handy, powerful, and + serviceable rifle</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Britannia</i>. Ah, well, I don't profess to + understand the practical working of the weapon. But I have + trusted you implicitly to provide me with a good one, and this + being, as you tell me, what I want, I herewith place it the + hands of my Army. (<i>Presents the rifle to</i> TOMMY ATKINS.) + Here, ATKINS, take your rifle, and I hope you'll know how to + use it.</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>with a broad grin</i>). Thank'ee, + Ma'am. I hope I shall, for I shall be in a precious 'ole if I + don't.</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[<i>Flourish of newspaper articles, general + congratulatory chorus on all sides, as Act-drop + descends.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h3>ACT II.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p><i>A Battle-field in time of War. Enter</i> TOMMY ATKINS + <i>with his rifle. In the interval, since the close of the + last Act, he is supposed to have been thoroughly instructed + in its proper use, and, though on one or two occasions, + owing to disregard of some trifling precaution, he has + found it "jam," still, in the leisure of the + practice-field, he has been generally able to get it right + again, and put it in workable order. He is now hurrying + along in all the excitement of battle, and in face of the + enemy, of whom a batch appear on the horizon in front of + him, when the word is given to "fire."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>endeavours to execute the order, but + he finds something "stuck," and his rifle refuses to go + off.</i>) Dang it! What's the matter with the beastly thing! + It's that there bolt that's caught agin' (<i>thumps it + furiously in his excitement and makes matters worse.</i>) Dang + the blooming thing; I can't make it go. (<i>Vainly endeavours + to recall some directions, committed in calmer moments, to + memory.</i>) Drop the bolt? No! that ain't it. Loose this 'ere + pin (<i>tugs frantically at a portion of the mechanism.</i>) + 'Ang me if I can make it go! (<i>Removes a pin which suddenly + releases the magazine</i>), well, I've done it now and no + mistake. Might as well send one to fight with a broomstick. + (<i>A shell explodes just behind him.</i>) Well, <i>I am in a + 'ole</i> and no mistake. [<i>Battle proceeds with results as + Act-drop falls.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h3>OLD FRENCH SAW RE-SET.—From <i>The Standard</i>, + November 14:—</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The duel between M. DÉROULÈDE and M. LAGUERRE occurred + yesterday morning in the neighbourhood of Charleroi, in + Belgium. Four shots were exchanged without any result. On + returning to Charleroi the combatants and their seconds + were arrested."</p> + + <p>"<i>C'est Laguerre, mais ce n'est pas + magnifique.</i>"</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., Nov. 22, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12737-h.htm or 12737-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/7/3/12737/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., Nov. 22, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 25, 2004 [EBook #12737] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +November 22, 1890. + + + + +[Illustration: DOUBLING THE PART. + +_Mr. S.B. B-ncr-ft, having retired from the Stage, thinks of taking to +the Booth._ "'WHEN THE CUE COMES, CALL ME.' AW!--VERY LIKE HIM--VERY!" + +[One day last week Mr. S.B. BANCROFT wrote to the _Daily Telegraph_, +saying, that so struck was he by "General" BOOTH's scheme for +relieving everybody generally--of course "generally"--that he wished +at once to relieve himself of L1000, if he could only find out +ninety-and-nine other sheep in the wilderness of London to follow his +example, and consent to be shorn of a similar amount. Send your cheque +to 85, Fleet Street, and we'll undertake to use it for the benefit of +most deserving objects.]] + + * * * * * + +A GOOD-NATURED TEMPEST. + +It was stated in the _Echo_ that, during the late storm, a brig +"brought into Dover harbour two men, with their ribs and arms broken +by a squall off Beachy Head. The deck-house and steering-gear were +carried away, and the men taken to Dover Hospital." Who shall say, +after this, that storms do not temper severity with kindness? This +particular one, it is true, broke some ribs and arms, and carried away +portions of a brig, but, in the very act of doing this, it took the +sufferers, and laid them, apparently, on the steps of Dover Hospital. +If we must have storms, may they all imitate this motherly example. + + * * * * * + +"WHAT A WONDERFUL BO-OY!"--In the _Head-Master's Guide_ for November, +in the list of applicants for Masterships, appears a gentleman who +offers to teach Mathematics, Euclid, Arithmetic, Algebra, Natural +Science, History, Geography, Book-keeping, French Grammar, Freehand, +and Perspective Drawing, the Piano, the Organ, and the Harmonium, and +Singing, for the modest salary of L20 a-year without a residence! But +it is only just to add; that this person seems to be of marvellous +origin, for although he admits extreme youth (he says he is _only +three years of age!_) he boasts ten years of experience! _O si sic +omnes_! So wise, so young, so cheap! + + * * * * * + +If spectacular effects are worth remembering, then Sheriff DRURIOLANUS +ought to be a member of the Spectacle-makers' Company. + + * * * * * + +ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND. + +(_ON THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER._) + + ["Our difficulties are such as these--that America has + instituted a vast system of prohibitive tariffs, mainly, + I believe, because ... American pigs do not receive proper + treatment at the hands of Europe.... If we have any difficulty + with our good neighbours in France, it is because of + that unintelligent animal the lobster; and if we have any + difficulty with our good neighbours in America, it is because + of that not very much nobler animal, the seal."--_Lord + Salisbury at the Mansion House_.] + +The Real Turtle sang this, very slowly, and sadly:-- + + "We are getting quite important," said the Porker to the Seal, + "For we're 'European Questions,' as a Premier seems to feel. + See the 'unintelligent' Lobster, even he, makes an advance! + Oh, we lead the Politicians of the earth a pretty dance. + Will you, won't you, Yankee Doodle, England, and gay France. + Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, let _us_ lead the dance? + + "You can really have no notion how delightful it will be, + When they take _us_ up as matters of the High Diplomacee." + But the Seal replied, "They brain us!" and he gave a look askance + At the goggle-eyed mailed Lobster, who was loved (and boiled) by France. + "Would they, could they, would they, could they, give us half a chance? + Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals all suffer, Commerce to advance!" + + "What matters it how grand we are!" his plated friend replied, + If our destiny is Salad, or the Sausage boiled or fried? + Though we breed strife 'twixt England, and America, and France, + If we're chopped up, or boiled, or brained where is _our_ great advance? + Will you, won't you, will you, won't you chuck away a chance + Of peace in pig-stye, or at sea, to play the game of France?" + +"Thank you, it's a very amusing dance--_to watch_," said ALICE, +feeling very glad that she had not to stand up in it. + +"You may not have lived much under the Sea" (said the Real Turtle) +("I haven't," said ALICE), "and perhaps you were never introduced to +a Lobster--" (ALICE began to say "I once tasted--" but checked herself +hastily, and said, "No, never"),--"So you can have no idea what a +delightful dance a (Diplomatic) Lobster Quadrille is!" + +"I dare say not," said ALICE. + +"Stand up and repeat '_'Tis the Voice of the Premier_,'" said the +Griffin. + +ALICE got up and began to repeat it, but her head was so full of +Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals, that she hardly knew what she was saying, +and the words came very queer indeed:-- + + "'Tis the voice of the Premier; I heard him complain + On the Ninth of November all prophecy's vain. + I _must_ make some sort of a speech, I suppose. + Dear DIZZY (who led the whole world by the nose) + Said the world heard, for once, on this day, 'Truth and Sense' + (_I.e._ neatly phrased Make-believe and Pretence), + But when GLADDY's 'tide' rises, and lost seats abound, + One's voice has a cautious and timorous sound." + +"I've heard this sort of thing so often before," said the Real Turtle; +"but it sounds uncommon nonsense. Go on with the next verse." + +ALICE did not dare disobey, though she felt sure it would all come +wrong, and she went on in a trembling voice:-- + + "I passed by the Session, and marked, by the way, + How the Lion and Eagles would share Af-ri-ca. + How the peoples, at peace, were not shooting with lead, + But bethumping each other with Tariffs instead, + How the Eight Hours' Bill, on which BURNS was so sweet, + Was (like bye-elections) a snare and a cheat; + How the Lobster, the Pig, and the Seal, I would say + At my sixth Lord Mayor's Banquet--" + +"What _is_ the use of repeating all that stuff," the Real Turtle +interrupted, "if you don't explain it as you go on? It's by far the +most confusing thing _I_ ever heard!" + +"Yes, I think you'd better leave off," said the Griffin; and ALICE was +only too glad to do so. + + * * * * * + +GAMES.--It being the season of burglaries, E. WOLF AND SON--("WOLF," +most appropriate name,--but _Wolf and Moon_ would have been still +better than WOLF AND SON)--take the auspicious time to bring out their +new game of "Burglar and Bobbies." On a sort of draught-board, so +that both Burglar and Bobby play "on the square," which is in itself a +novelty. The thief may be caught in thirteen moves. This won't do. We +want him to be caught before he moves at all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEW EDITION OF "ROBA DI 'ROMER.'" + +_With Mr. Punch's sincere congratulations to his Old Friend the New +Judge._] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT A SALE OF HIGH-CLASS SCULPTURE. + + SCENE--An upper floor in a City Warehouse; a low, whitewashed + room, dimly lighted by dusty windows and two gas-burners in + wire cages. Around the walls are ranged several statues of + meek aspect, but securely confined in wooden cases, like a + sort of marble menagerie. In the centre, a labyrinthine grove + of pedestals, surmounted by busts, groups, and statuettes + by modern Italian masters. About these pedestals a small + crowd--consisting of Elderly Merchants on the look out for a + "neat thing in statuary" for the conservatory at Croydon or + Muswell Hill, Young City Men who have dropped in after lunch, + Disinterested Dealers, Upholsterers' Buyers, Obliging Brokers, + and Grubby and Mysterious men--is cautiously circulating. + +_Obliging Broker_ (_to Amiable Spectator, who has come in out +of curiosity, and without the remotest intention of purchasing +sculpture_). _No_ Catlog, Sir? 'Ere, allow me to orfer you +mine--that's _my_ name in pencil on the top of it, Sir; and, if you +_should_ 'appen to see any lot that takes your fancy, you jest ketch +my eye. (_Reassuringly._) I shan't be fur off. Or look 'ere, gimme a +nudge--_I_ shall know what it means. + + [_The A.S. thanks him profusely, and edges away with an + inward vow to avoid his and the Auctioneer's eyes, as he + would those of a basilisk._ + +_Auctioneer_ (_from desk, with the usual perfunctory fervour_). Lot +13, Gentlemen, very charming pair of subjects from child life--"_The +Pricked Finger_" and "_The Scratched Toe_"--by BIMBI. + +_A Stolid Assistant_ (_in shirtsleeves_). Figgers _'ere_, Gen'lm'n! + + [_Languid surge of crowd towards them._ + +_A Facetious Bidder_. Which of 'em's the finger, and which the toe? + +_Auct._ (_coldly_). I should have thought it was easy to identify +by the attitude. Now, Gentlemen, give me a bidding for these very +finely-executed works by BIMBI. Make any offer. What will you give me +for 'em? Both very sweet things, Gentlemen. Shall we say ten guineas? + +_A Grubby Man_. Give yer five. + +_Auct._ (_with grieved resignation_). Very well, start 'em at five. +Any advance on five? (_To_ Assist.) Turn 'em round, to show the back +view. And a 'arf! Six! And a 'arf! Only six and a 'arf bid for this +beautiful pair of figures, done direct from nature by BIMBI. Come, +Gentlemen, come! Seven! Was that _you_, Mr. GRIMES? (_The Grubby Man +admits the soft impeachment._) Seven and a 'arf. Eight! It's _against_ +you. + +_Mr. Grimes_ (_with a supreme effort_). Two-and-six! + + [_Mops his brow with a red cotton handkerchief._ + +_Auct._ (_in a tone of gratitude for the smallest mercies_). +Eight-ten-six. All done at eight-ten-six? Going ... gone! GRIMES, +Eight, ten, six. Take money for 'em. Now we come to a very 'andsome +work by PIFFALINI--"_The Ocarina Player_," one of this great artist's +masterpieces, and an exceedingly choice and high-class work, as you +will all agree directly you see it. (_To Assist._) Now, then, Lot 14, +there--look sharp! + +_Stolid Assist._ "Hocarina Plier," eyn't arrived, Sir. + +_Auct._ Oh, hasn't it? Very well, then. Lot 15. "_The Pretty +Pill-taker_," by ANTONIO BILIO--a really magnificent work of Art, +Gentlemen. (_"Pill-taker, 'ere!" from the S.A._) What'll you give +me for her? Come, make me an offer. (_Bidding proceeds till the +"Pill-taker" is knocked down for twenty-three-and-a-half guineas._) +Lot 16, "_The Mixture as Before_," by same artist--make a charming +and suitable companion to the last lot. What do you say, Mr. +MIDDLEMAN--take it at the same bidding? (Mr. M. _assents, with the +end of one eyebrow._) Any advance on twenty-three and a 'arf? None? +Then.--MIDDLEMAN, Twenty-four, thirteen, six. + +_Mr. Middleman_ (_to the Amiable Spectator, who has been vaguely +inspecting the "Pill-taker."_) Don't know if you noticed it, Sir, but +I got that last couple very cheap--on'y forty-seven guineas the pair, +and they are worth eighty, I solemnly declare to you. I could get +forty a-piece for 'em to-morrow, upon my word and honour, I could. Ah, +and I know who'd _give_ it me for 'em, too! + +_The A.S._ (_sympathetically_). Dear me, then you've done very well +over it. + +_Mr. M._ Ah, well ain't the word--and those two aren't the only lots +I've got either. That "_Sandwich-Man_" over there is mine--look at +the work in those boards, and the nature in his clay pipe; and "_The +Boot-Black_," that's mine, too--all worth twice what _I_ got 'em +for--and lovely things, too, ain't they? + +_The A.S._ Oh, very nice, very clever--congratulate you, I'm sure. + +_Mr. M._ I can see you've took a fancy to 'em, Sir, and, when I come +across a gentleman that's a connysewer, I'm always sorry to stand +in his light; so, see here, you can have any one you like out o' my +little lot, or all on 'em, with all the pleasure in the wide world, +Sir, and I'll on'y charge you five per cent. on what I gave for 'em. +and be exceedingly obliged to you, into the bargain, Sir. (_The A.S. +feebly disclaims any desire to take advantage of this magnanimous +offer._) Don't say No, if you mean Yes, Sir. Will you _'ave_ the +"_Pill-taker_," Sir? + +_The A.S._ (_politely_). Thank you very much, but--er--I think _not_. + +_Mr. M._ Then perhaps you could do with "_The Little Boot-Black_," or +"_The Sandwich-Man_," Sir? + +_The A.S._ Perhaps--but I could do still better _without_ them. + + [_He moves to another part of the room._ + +_The Obl. Broker_ (_whispering beerily in his ear_). Seen anythink yet +as takes your fancy, Sir; 'cos, if so-- + + [_The A.S. escapes to a dark corner--where he is warmly + welcomed by Mr. MIDDLEMAN._ + +_Mr. M._ _Knew_ you'd think better on it, Sir. Now which is it to +be--the "_Boot-Black_," or "_Mixture as Before_"? + +_Auct._ Now we come to Lot 19. Massive fluted column in coral marble +with revolving-top--a column, Gentlemen, which will speak for itself. + +_The Facetious Bidder_ (_after a scrutiny_). Then it may as well +mention, while it's _about_ it, that it's got a bit out of its back! + +_Auct._ Flaw in the marble, that's all. (_To Assist._) Nothing the +_matter_ with the column, is there? + +_Assist._ (_with reluctant candour_). Well, it _'as_ got a little +chipped, Sir. + +_Auct._ (_easily_). Oh, very well then, we'll sell it "A.F." Very glad +it was found out in time, I'm sure. + + [_Bidding proceeds._ + +_First Dealer to Second_ (_in a husky whisper_). Talkin' o' Old +Masters, I put young 'ANWAY up to a good thing the other day. + +_Second D._ (_without surprise--probably from a knowledge of his +friend's noble, unselfish nature_). Ah--'ow was that? + +_First D._ Well, there was a picter as I 'appened to know could be got +in for a deal under what it ought--in good 'ands, mind yer--to fetch. +It was a Morlan'--leastwise, it was so like you couldn't ha' told +the difference, if you understand my meanin'. (_The other nods with +complete intelligence._) Well, I 'adn't no openin' for it myself just +then, so I sez to young 'ANWAY, "You might do worse than go and 'ave +a _look_ at it," I told him. And I run against him yesterday, Wardour +Street way, and I sez, "Did yer go and _see_ that picter?" "Yes," sez +he, "and what's more, I got it at pretty much my own figger, too!" +"Well," sez I, "and ain't yer goin' to _shake 'ands with me over it_?" + +_Second D._ (_interested_). And _did_ he? + +_First D._ Yes, he did--he beyaved very fair over the matter, I will +say _that_ for him. + +_Second D._ Oh, 'ANWAY's a very decent little feller--_now_. + +_Auct._ (_hopefully_). Now, Gentlemen, this next lot'll tempt you, +_I_'m sure! Lot 33, a magnificent and very finely executed dramatic +group out of the "_Merchant of Venice_," _Othello_ in the act of +smothering _Desdemona_, both nearly life-size. (_Assist., with a +sardonic inflection._ "_Group_ 'ere, _Gen'lm'n!_") What shall we say +for this great work by ROCCOCIPPI, Gentlemen? A hundred guineas, just +to start us? + +_The F.B._ Can't you put the two figgers up separate? + +_Auct._ You know better than that--being a group, Sir. Come, come, +anyone give me a hundred for this magnificent marble group! The figure +of _Othello_ very finely finished, Gentlemen. + +_The F.B._ I should ha' thought it was _her_ who was the finely +finished one of the two. + +_Auct._ (_pained by this levity_). Really, Gentlemen, _do_ 'ave +more appreciation of a 'igh-class work like this!... Twenty-five +guineas?... Nonsense! I can't put it up at that. + + [_Bidding languishes. Lot withdrawn._ + +_Second Disinterested Dealer_ (_to First D.D., in an undertone_). I +wouldn't tell everyone, but I shouldn't like to see _you_ stay 'ere +and waste your time; so, in case you _was_ thinking of waiting for +that last lot, I may just as well mention--[_Whispers._ + +_First D.D._ Ah, it's _that_ way, is it? Much obliged to you for the +'int. But I'd do the same for you any day. + +_Second D.D._ I'm _sure_ yer would! + + [_They watch one another suspiciously._ + +_Auct._ Now 'ere's a tasteful thing, Gentlemen. Lot. 41. "_Nymph +eating Oysters_" ("_Nymph 'ere, Gen'lm'n!_"), by the celebrated +Italian artist VABENE, one of the finest works of Art in this room, +and they're _all_ exceedingly fine works of Art; but this is _truly_ +a work of Art, Gentlemen. What shall we say for her, eh? (_Silence._) +Why, Gentlemen, no more appreciation than _that_? Come, don't be +afraid of it. Make a beginning. (_Bidding starts._) Forty-five +guineas. Forty-six--_pounds_. Forty-six pounds only, this remarkable +specimen of modern Italian Art. Forty-six and a 'arf. Only forty-six +ten bid for it. Give character to any gentleman's collection, a figure +like this would. Forty-seven _pounds_--_guineas_! and a 'arf.... +Forty-seven and a 'arf guineas.... For the last time! Bidding with +you, Sir. Forty-seven guineas and a 'arf--Gone! Name, Sir, if _you_ +please. Oh, money? Very well. Thank you. + +_Proud Purchaser_ (_to Friend, in excuse for his extravagance_). You +see, I must have something for that grotto I've got in the grounds. + +_His Friend_. If she was mine, I should put her in the hall, and have +a gaslight fitted in the oyster-shell. + +_P.P._ (_thoughtfully_). Not a bad idea. But electric light would be +more suitable, and easier to fix too. Yes--we'll see. + +_The Obl. Broker_ (_pursuing the Am. Spect._). I 'ope, Sir, you'll +remember me, next time you're this way. + +_The Am. Spect._ (_who has only ransomed himself by taking over an odd +lot, consisting of imitation marble fruit, a model, under crystal, of +the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and three busts of Italian celebrities of +whom he has never heard_). I'm afraid I shan't have very much chance +of forgetting you. _Good_ afternoon! + + [_Exit hurriedly, dropping the fruit, as Scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS. + +_Fond Parent_ (_to Professional Lady_). "TELL ME, MISS LE VAVASOUR, +DID MY SON ACQUIT HIMSELF CREDITABLY AT THIS AFTERNOON'S REHEARSAL?" + +_Miss Le Vavasour_. "WELL, MY LORD,--IF YOUR SON ONLY ACTS THE LOVER +ON THE STAGE HALF AS ENERGETICALLY AS HE DOES IN THE GREEN-ROOM, THE +PIECE WILL BE A SUCCESS!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM OUR MUSIC HALL. + +I had a fine performance at my little place last week. Gave the +_Elijah_ with a chorus whose vigorous delivery and precision were +excellent, and except for uncertain intonation of _soprani_ in first +chorus, I think though perhaps I say it who shouldn't, I never heard +better chorussing within my walls. Madame SCHMIDT-KOEHNE has a good +voice, but I can't say I approve of her German method, nor do I +like embellishments of text, even when they can be justified. The +_contralto_, Madame SVIATLOVSKY (O Heavenly name that ends in _sky_!) +is not what I should have expected, coming to us with such a name. +Perhaps not heard to advantage: perhaps 'vantage to me if I hadn't +heard her. But Miss SARAH BERRY brought down the house just as SAMSON +did, and we were Berry'd all alive, O, and applauding beautifully. +_Brava_, Miss SARAH BERRY! + +"As we are hearing _Elijah_," says Mr. Corner Man, "may I ask you, +Sir, what Queen in Scripture History this young lady reminds me of?" +Of course I reply, "I give it up, Sir." Whereupon he answers, "She +reminds me, Sir, of the Queen who was BERENICE--'Berry-Nicey'--see?" + +Number next in the books. Mr. WATKIN MILLS was dignified and +impressive as _Elijah_; but, while admitting the excellence of this +profit, we can't forget our loss in the absence of Mr. SANTLEY. +BEN MIO DAVIES sang the tenor music, but apologised for having +unfortunately got a pony on the event,--that is, he had got a little +hoarse during the day. "BEN MIO" is--um--rather _troppo operatico_ for +the oratorio. Mr. BARNBY bravely batoned, as usual. Bravo, BARNBY! He +goes on with the work because he likes it. Did he not, he would say +with the _General Bombastes_-- + + "Give o'er! give o'er! + For I will baton on this tune no more." + +Perhaps the quotation is not quite exact, but no matter, all's well +that ends well, as everyone said as they left. + + Yours truly, + ALBERT HALL. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. VII.--A BUCCANEER'S BLOOD-BATH. + +BY L.S. DEEVENSON, AUTHOR OF "_TOLDON DRYLAND_," "_THE WHITE +HETON_," "_WENTNAP_," "_AMISS WITH A CANDLETRAY_," "_AN OUTLANDISH +TRIP_," "_A TRAVELLED DONKEY_," "_A QUEER FALL ON A TREACLE SLIDE_," +"_THE OLD PERSIAN BARONETS_," &C., &C., &C. + + [For some weeks before this Novel actually arrived, we + received by every post an immense consignment of paragraphs, + notices, and newspaper cuttings, all referring to it in + glowing terms. "This" observed the _Bi-weekly Boomer_, "is, + perhaps, the most brilliant effort of the brilliant and + versatile Author's genius. Humour and pathos are inextricably + blended in it. He sweeps with confident finger over the whole + gamut of human emotions, and moves us equally to terror and + to pity. Of the style, it is sufficient to say that it is Mr. + DEEVENSON's." The MS. of the Novel itself came in a wrapper + bearing the Samoan post-mark.--ED. _Punch_.] + +CHAPTER I. + +I am a man stricken in years, and-well-nigh spent with labour, yet it +behoves that, for the public good, I should take pen in hand, and set +down the truth of those matters wherein I played a part. And, indeed, +it may befall that, when the tale is put forth in print, the public +may find it to their liking, and buy it with no sparing hand, so that, +at the last, the payment shall be worthy of the labourer. + +[Illustration] + +I have never been gifted with what pedants miscall courage. That +extreme rashness of the temper which drives fools to their destruction +hath no place in my disposition. A shrinking meekness under +provocation, and a commendable absence of body whenever blows fell +thick, seemed always to me to be the better part. And for this I +have boldly endured many taunts. Yet it so chanced that in my life I +fell in with many to whom the cutting of throats was but a moment's +diversion. Nay, more, in most of their astounding ventures I shared +with them; I made one upon their reckless forays; I was forced, sorely +against my will, to accompany them upon their stormy voyages, and to +endure with them their dangers; and there does not live one man, since +all of them are dead, and I alone survive, so well able as myself +to narrate these matters faithfully within the compass of a single +five-shilling volume. + +CHAPTER II. + +On a December evening of the year 17--, ten men sat together in the +parlour of "The Haunted Man." Without, upon the desolate moorland, a +windless stricture of frost had bound the air as though in boards, but +within, the tongues were loosened, and the talk flowed merrily, and +the clink of steaming tumblers filled the room. Dr. DEADEYE sat with +the rest at the long deal table, puffing mightily at the brown old +Broseley church-warden, whom the heat and the comfort of his evening +meal had so far conquered, that he resented the doctor's treatment of +him only by an occasional splutter. For myself, I sat where the warmth +of the cheerful fire could reach my chilled toes, close by the side +of the good doctor. I was a mere lad, and even now, as I search in my +memory for these long-forgotten scenes, I am prone to marvel at my +own heedlessness in thus affronting these lawless men. But, indeed, I +knew them not to be lawless, or I doubt not but that my prudence had +counselled me to withdraw ere the events befell which I am now about +to narrate. + +As I remember, the Doctor and Captain JAWKINS were seated opposite to +one another, and, as their wont was, they were in high debate upon +a question of navigation, on which the Doctor held and expressed an +emphatic opinion. + +"Never tell me," he said, with flaming aspect, "that the common +term, 'Port your helm,' implies aught but what a man, not otherwise +foolish, would gather from the word. Port means port, and starboard is +starboard, and all the d----d sea-captains in the world cannot move +me from that." With that the Doctor beat his fist upon the table until +the glasses rattled again and glared into the Captain's weather-beaten +face.[1] + +"Hear the man," said the Captain--"hear him. A man would think he had +spent his days and nights upon the sea, instead of mixing pills and +powders all his life in a snuffy village dispensary." + +The quarrel seemed like to be fierce, when a sudden sound struck upon +our ears, and stopped all tongues. I cannot call it a song. Rather, +it was like the moon-struck wailing of some unhappy dog, low, and +unearthly; and yet not that, either, for there were words to it. That +much we all heard distinctly. + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four, + Two for his heels, and that makes six." + +We listened, awestruck, with blanched faces, scarce daring to look at +one another. For myself, I am bold to confess that I crept under the +sheltering table and hid my head in my hands. Again the mournful notes +were moaned forth-- + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four, + Two for his heels, and--" + +But ere it was ended, Captain JAWKINS had sprung forward, and rushed +into the further corner of the parlour. "I know that voice," he cried +aloud; "I know it amid a thousand!" And even as he spoke, a strange +light dispelled the shadows, and by its rays we could see the +crouching form of BILL BLUENOSE, with the red seam across his face +where the devil had long since done his work. + +CHAPTER III. + +I had forgot to say that, as he ran, the Captain had drawn his sword. +In the confusion which followed on the discovery of BLUENOSE, I could +not rightly tell how each thing fell out; indeed, from where I lay, +with the men crowding together in front of me, to see at all was no +easy matter. But this I saw clearly. The Captain stood in the corner, +his blade raised to strike. BLUENOSE never stirred, but his breath +came and went, and his eyelids blinked strangely, like the flutter of +a sere leaf against the wall. There came a roar of voices, and, in the +tumult, the Captain's sword flashed quickly, and fell. Then, with a +broken cry like a sheep's bleat, the great seamed face fell separate +from the body, and a fountain of blood rose into the air from the +severed neck, and splashed heavily upon the sanded floor of the +parlour. + +"Man, man!" cried the Doctor, angrily, "what have ye done? Ye've kilt +BLUENOSE, and with him goes our chance of the treasure. But, maybe, +it's not yet too late." + +So saying, he plucked the head from the floor and clapped it again +upon its shoulders. Then, drawing a long stick of sealing-wax from +his pocket, he held it well before the Captain's ruddy face. The wax +splattered and melted. The Doctor applied it to the cut with deft +fingers, and with a strange condescension of manner in one so proud. +My heart beat like a bird's, both quick and little; and on a sudden +BLUENOSE raised his dripping hands, and in a quavering kind of voice +piped out-- + + "Fifteen two and a pair make four." + +But we had heard too much, and the next moment we were speeding with +terror at our backs across the desert moorland. + +CHAPTER IV. + +You are to remember that when the events I have narrated befell I +was but a lad, and had a lad's horror of that which smacked of the +supernatural. As we ran, I must have fallen in a swoon, for I remember +nothing more until I found myself walking with trembling feet through +the policies of the ancient mansion of Dearodear. By my side strode +a young nobleman, whom I straightway recognised as the Master. His +gallant bearing and handsome face served but to conceal the black +heart that beat within his breast. He gazed at me with a curious look +in his eyes. + +"SQUARETOES, SQUARETOES," said he--it was thus he had named me, and +by that I knew that we were in Scotland, and that my name was become +MACKELLAR--"I have a mind to end your prying and your lectures here +where we stand." + +"End it," said I, with a boldness which seemed strange to me even as +I spoke; "end it, and where will you be? A penniless beggar and an +outcast." + +"The old fool speaks truly," he continued, kicking me twice violently +in the back, but otherwise ignoring my presence; "and if I end him, +who shall tell the story? Nay, SQUARETOES, let us make a compact. I +will play the villain, and brawl, and cheat, and murder; you shall +take notes of my actions, and, after I have died dramatically in a +North American forest, you shall set up a stone to my memory, and +publish the story. What say you? Your hand upon it." + +Such was the fascination of the man that even then I could not +withstand him. Moreover, the measure of his misdeeds was not yet full. +My caution prevailed, and I gave him my hand. + +"Done!" said he; "and a very good bargain for you, SQUARETOES!" + +Let the public, then, judge between me and the Master, since of his +house not one remains, and I alone may write the tale. + +(To be continued.--Author.) THE END.--Ed. _Punch_. + +[Footnote 1: _Editor to Author_: "How did the glasses manage to glare? +It seems an odd proceeding for a glass. Answer paid." + +_Author to Editor_: "Don't be a fool. I meant the Doctor--not the +glasses."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Children of the Castle_, by Mrs. MOLESWORTH (published by +MACMILLAN), will certainly be a favourite with the children in the +house. A quaintly pretty story of child life and fairies, such as +she can write so well, it is valuably assisted with Illustrations by +WALTER CRANE. + +[Illustration] + +GEORGE ROUTLEDGE evidently means to catch the youthful book-worm's eye +by the brilliancy of his bindings, but the attraction will not stay +there long, for the contents are equal to the covers. + +These are days of reminiscences, so _"Bob," the Spotted Terrier_, +writes his own tale, or, wags it. Illustrations by HARRISON WEIR. And +here for the tiny ones, bless 'em, is _The House that Jack Built_,--a +paper book in actually the very shape of the house he built! And then +there's the melancholy but moral tale of _Froggy would a-Wooing Go_. +"Recommended," says the Baron. + +Published by DEAN AND SON, who should call their publishing +establishment "The Deanery," is _The Doyle Fairy Book_, a splendid +collection of regular fairy lore; and the Illustrations are by RICHARD +DOYLE, which needs nothing more. + +_The Mistletoe Bough_, edited by M.E. BRADDON, is not only very strong +to send forth so many sprigs, but it is a curious branch, as from +each sprig hangs a tale. The first, by the Editor and Authoress, _His +Oldest Friends_, is excellent. + +_Flowers of The Hunt_, by FINCH MASON, published by Messrs. FORES. +Rather too spring-like a title for a sporting book, as it suggests +hunting for flowers. Sketchy and amusing. + +HACHETTE AND CIE, getting ahead of Christmas, and neck and neck with +the New Year, issue a _Nouveau Calendrier Perpeteul_, "_Les Amis +Fideles_," representing three poodles, the first of which carries +in his mouth the day of the week, the second the day of the month, +and the third the name of the month. This design is quaint, and if +not absolutely original, is new in the combination and application. +Unfortunately it only suggests one period of the year, the dog-days, +but in 1892 this can be improved upon, and amplified. + +No nursery would be complete without a _Chatterbox_, and, as a reward +to keep him quiet, _The Prize_ would come in useful. WELLS, DARTON, & +GARDNER, can supply both of them. + +F. WARNE has another Birthday-book, _Fortune's Mirror, Set in Gems_, +by M. HALFORD, with Illustrations by KATE CRAUFORD. A novel idea of +setting the mirror in the binding; but, to find your fortune, you must +look inside, and then you will see what gem ought to be worn in the +month of your birth. + +WILLERT BEALE's _Light of Other Days_ is most interesting to those +who, like the Baron, remember the latter days of GRISI and MARIO, +who can call to mind MARIO in _Les Huguenots_, in _Trovatore_, in +_Rigoletto_; and GRISI in _Norma_, _Valentina_, _Fides_, _Lucrezia_, +and some others. It seems to me that the centre of attraction in these +two volumes is the history of MARIO and GRISI on and off the stage; +and the gem of all is the simple narrative of Mrs. GODFREY PEARSE, +their daughter, which M. WILLERT BEALE has had the good taste to give +_verbatim_, with few notes or comments. To think that only twenty +years ago we lost GRISI, and that only nine years ago MARIO died in +Rome! Peace to them both! In Art they were a glorious couple, and in +their death our thoughts cannot divide them. GRISI and MARIO, Queen +and King of song, inseparable. I have never looked upon their like +again, and probably never shall. My tribute to their memory is, to +advise all those to whom their memory is dear, and those to whom their +memory is but a tradition, to read these Reminiscences, of them and +of others, by WILLERT BEALE, in order to learn all they can about +this romantic couple, who, caring little for money, and everything +for their art, were united in life, in love, in work, and, let +us, _peccatores_, humbly hope, in death. WILLERT BEALE has, in his +Reminiscences, given us a greater romance of real life than will be +found in twenty volumes of novels, by the most eminent authors. Yet +all so naturally and so simply told. At least so, with moist eyes, +says your tender-hearted critic, + +THE SYMPATHETIC BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +WIGS AND RADICALS. + + ["As a protest against the acceptance by the Corporation of + Sunderland of robes, wigs, and cocked hats, for the Mayor and + Town Clerk, Mr. STOREY, M.P., has sent in his resignation of + the office of Alderman of that body."--_Daily Paper_.] + +_Brutus_. Tell us what has chanced to-day, that STOREY looks so sad. + +_Casca_. Why, there was a wig and a cocked hat offered him, and he +put it away with the back of his hand, thus; and then the Sunderland +Radicals fell a-shouting. + +_Brutus_. What was the second noise for? + +_Casca_. Why, for that too. + +_Brutus_. They shouted thrice--what was the last cry for? + +_Casca_. Why, for that too--not to mention a municipal robe. + +_Brutus_. Was the wig, &c, offered him thrice? + +_Casca_. Ay, marry, was it, and he put the things by thrice, every +time more savagely than before. + +_Brutus_. Who offered him the wig? + +_Casca_. Why, the Sunderland Municipality, of course--stoopid! + +_Brutus_. Tell us the manner of it, gentle CASCA. + +_Casca_. I can as well be hanged, as tell you. It was mere foolery, I +did not mark it. I saw the people offer a cocked hat to him--yet 'twas +not to him neither, because he's only an Alderman, 'twas to the Mayor +and Town Clerk--and, as I told you, he put the things by thrice; +yet, to my thinking, had he been Mayor, he would fain have had them. +And the rabblement, of course, cheered such an exhibition of stern +Radical simplicity, and STOREY called the wig a bauble, though, to +my thinking, there's not much bauble about it, and the cocked-hat +he called a mediaeval intrusion, though, to my thinking, there were +precious few cocked-hats in the Middle Ages. Then he said he would no +more serve as Alderman; and the Mayor and the Town Clerk cried--"Alas, +good soul!"--and accepted his resignation with all their hearts. + +_Brutus_. Then will not the Sunderland Town Hall miss him? + +_Casca_. Not it, as I am a true man! There'll be a STOREY the less on +it, that's all. Farewell! + + * * * * * + +"NOT THERE, NOT THERE, MY CHILD!" + +By some misadventure I was unable to attend the pianoforte recital +of Paddy REWSKI, the player from Irish Poland at the St. James's Hall +last Wednesday. Everybody much pleased, I'm told. Glad to hear it. I +was "Not there, not there, my child!" But audience gratified-- + + "And Stalldom shrieked when Paddy REWSKI played," + +as the Poet says, or something like it. I hear he made a hit. The +papers say he did, and if he didn't it's another thumper, that's all. + + * * * * * + +"SO NO MAYER AT PRESENT FROM YOURS TRULY THE ENTREPRENEUR OF THE +FRENCH PLAYS, ST. JAMES'S THEATRE."--It is hard on the indefatigable +M. MAYER, but when Englishmen can so easily cross the Channel, and so +willingly brave the _mal-de-mer_ for the sake of a week in Paris, it +is not likely that they will patronise French theatricals in London, +even for their own linguistic and artistic improvement, or solely for +the benefit of the deserving and enterprising M. MAYER. Even if it +be _mal-de-mer_ against _bien de Mayer_, an English admirer of French +acting would risk the former to get a week in Paris. We are sorry 'tis +so, but so 'tis. + + * * * * * + +"THE MAGAZINE RIFLE."--Is this invention patented by the Editor of +_The Review of Reviews_? Good title for the Staff of that Magazine, +"The Magazine Rifle Corps." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNNECESSARY CANDOUR. + +_Critic_. "BY JOVE, HOW ONE CHANGES! I'VE QUITE CEASED TO ADMIRE THE +KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO THINK SO CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO; AND _VICE +VERSA_!" + +_Pictor_. "THAT'S AS IT _SHOULD_ BE! IT SHOWS PROGRESS, DEVELOPMENT! +IT'S AN UNMISTAKABLE PROOF THAT YOU'VE REACHED A HIGHER INTELLECTUAL +AND ARTISTIC LEVEL, A MORE ADVANCED STAGE OF CULTURE, A LOFTIER--" + +_Critic_. "I'M GLAD YOU THINK SO, OLD MAN. BUT, CONFOUND IT, YOU +KNOW!--THE KIND OF PAINTING I USED TO THINK SO CLEVER TEN YEARS AGO, +HAPPENS TO BE _YOURS_!"] + + * * * * * + +BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD. + + The Appeal's to Justice! Justice lendeth ear + Unstirred by favour, unseduced by fear; + And they who Justice love must check the thrill + Of natural shame, and listen, and be still. + These wrangling tales of horror shake the heart + With pitiful disgust. Oh, glorious part + For British manhood, much bepraised, to play + In that dark land late touched by culture's day! + Are these our Heroes pictured each by each? + We fondly deemed that where our English speech + Sounded, there English hearts, of mould humane. + Justice would strengthen, cruelty restrain. + And is it all a figment of false pride? + _Such_ horrors do our vaunting annals hide + Beneath a world of words, like flowers that wave + In tropic swamps o'er a malarious grave? + + These are the questions which perforce intrude + As the long tale of horror coarse and crude, + Rolls out its sickening chapters one by one. + What will the verdict be when all is done? + Conflicting counsels in loud chorus rise, + "Hush the thing up!" the knowing cynic cries, + "Arm not our chuckling enemies at gaze + With charnel dust to foul our brightest bays! + Let the dead past bury its tainted dead, + Lest aliens at our 'heroes' wag the head." + "Shocking! wails out the sentimentalist. + Believe no tale unpleasant, scorn to list + To slanderous charges on the British name! + That brutish baseness, or that sordid shame + Can touch 'our gallant fellows,' is a thing + Incredible. Do not our poets sing, + Our pressmen praise in dithyrambic prose, + The 'lads' who win our worlds and face our foes? + Who never, save to human pity, yield + One step in wilderness or battlefield!" + + Meanwhile, with troubled eyes and straining hands, + Silent, attentive, thoughtful, Justice stands. + To her alone let the appeal be made. + Heroes, or merely tools of huckstering Trade, + Men brave, though fallible, or sordid brutes, + Let all be heard. Since each to each imputes + Unmeasured baseness, _somewhere_ the black stain + Must surely rest. The dead speak not, the slain + Have not a voice, save such as that which spoke + From ABEL's blood. Green laurels, or the stroke + Of shame's swift scourge? There's the alternative + Before the lifted eyes of those who live. + One fain would see the grass unstained that waves + In the dark Afric waste o'er those two graves. + To Justice the protagonist makes appeal. + Justice would wish him smirchless as her steel, + But stands with steadfast eyes and unbowed head + Silent--betwixt the Living and the Dead! + + * * * * * + +OPERA NOTES. + +What's a Drama without a Moral, and what's _Rigoletto_ without a +MAUREL, who was cast for the part, but who was too indisposed to +appear? So Signor GALASSI came and "played the fool" instead, much to +the satisfaction of all concerned, and all were very much concerned +about the illness or indisposition of M. MAUREL. DIMITRESCO not +particularly strong as the _Dook_; but Mlle. STROMFELD came out well +as _Gilda_, and, being called, came out in excellent form in front of +the Curtain. Signor BEVIGNANI, beating time in Orchestra, and time all +the better for his beating. + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF MUCH THANKS."--The difficulties in The City, which +_Mr. Punch_ represented in his Cartoon of November 8, were by the +_Times_ of last Saturday publicly acknowledged to be at an end. The +adventurous mariners were luckily able to rest on the Bank, and are +now once more fairly started. They will bear in mind the warning of +the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street, as given to the boys in the above +mentioned Cartoon. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BETWEEN THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.] + + * * * * * + +AVENUE HUNCHBACK. + +Of course there is nothing very new in the idea of a cripple loving a +beautiful maiden, while the beautiful maiden bestows her affections +on somebody else. SHERIDAN KNOWLES's Hunchback, _Master Walter_, is an +exception to Hunchbacks generally, as he turns out to be the father, +not the lover, of the leading lady. It has remained for Mr. CARTON +to give us in an original three-act play a deformed hero, who has to +sacrifice love to duty, or, rather, to let self-abnegation triumph +over the gratification of self. This self-sacrificing part is +admirably played by Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, whose simple make-up for the +character is irreproachable. That something more can still be made by +him of the scene of his great temptation I feel sure, and if he does +this he will have developed several full leaves from his already +budding laurels, and, which is presently important, he will have added +another 100 nights to the run. + +[Illustration: Mr. Punch applauding Master Walter George Desmarets.] + +_Maud_ (_without_ the final "_e_") capitally played by Miss MAUDE +(_with_ the final "E") MILLETT. (Why didn't the author choose another +name when this character was cast to Miss MILLETT? Not surely for the +sake of someone saying, "Come into the garden"--eh? And the author has +already indulged his pungent humour by giving "_George_" _Addis_ to +"GEORGE" ALEXANDER. Mistake.) This character of _Maud_ is a sketch of +an utterly odious girl,--odious, that is, at home, but fascinating no +doubt, away from the domestic circle. Is a sketch of such a character +worth the setting? How one pities the future Bamfield _menage_, when +the unfortunate idiot _Bamfield_, well represented by Mr. BEN WEBSTER, +has married this flirting, flighty, sharp-tongued, selfish little +girl. To these two are given some good, light, and bright comedy +scenes, recalling to the mind of the middle-aged playgoer the palmy +days of what used to be known as the Robertsonian "Tea-cup-and-saucer +Comedies," with dialogue, scarcely _fin de siecle_ perhaps, but +pleasant to listen to, when spoken by Miss MAUDE MILLETT, MISS TERRY, +and Mr. BEN WEBSTER. + +[Illustration: Dr. Latimer at the Steak. Historical subject treated in +Act II. of _S. & S._] + +In Miss MARION TERRY's _Helen_, the elder of the Doctor's daughters, +we have a charming type, nor could Mr. NUTCOMBE GOULD's _Dr. Latimer_ +be improved upon as an artistic performance where repose and perfectly +natural demeanour give a certain coherence and solidity to the entire +work. Mr. YORKE STEPHENS as _Mark Denzil_ is too heavy, and his manner +conveys the impression that, at some time or other, he will commit +a crime, such, perhaps, as stealing the money from the Doctor's +desk; or, when this danger is past and he hasn't done it, his still +darkening, melodramatic manner misleads the audience into supposing +that in Act III, he will make away with his objectionable wife, +possess himself of the two hundred pounds, and then, just at the +moment when, with a darkling scowl and a gleaming eye, he steps +forward to claim his affianced bride, _Scollick_, Mr. ALFRED HOLLES, +hitherto only known as the drunken gardener, will throw off his +disguise, and, to a burst of applause from an excited audience, will +say, "I arrest you for murder and robbery! and--I am HAWKSHAW the +Detective!!!" or words to this effect. In his impersonation of _Mark +Denzil_ Mr. STEPHENS seems to have attempted an imitation of the light +and airy style of Mr. ARTHUR STIRLING. + +[Illustration: "The Shadow," but more like the substance. Collapse +of Mr. Yorke Stephens into the arms of Miss Marrying Terry, on +hearing the Shadow exclaim, "Yorke (Stephens), you're wanted!"] + +The end of the Second Act is, to my thinking, a mistake in dramatic +art. Everyone of the audience knows that the woman who has stolen +the money is _Mark Denzil's_ wife, and nobody requires from _Denzil_ +himself oral confirmation of the fact, much less do they want an +interval of several minutes,--it may be only seconds, but it seems +minutes,--before the Curtain descends, occupied only by _Mark Denzil_ +imploring that his wife shall not be taken before the magistrate +and be charged with theft. This is an anti-climax, weakening an +otherwise effective situation, as the immediate result of this scene +could easily be given in a couple of sentences of dialogue at the +commencement of the last Act. It is this fault, far more than the +unpruned passages of dialogue, that makes this interesting and well +acted play _seem_ too long--at least, such is the honest opinion of A +FRIEND IN FRONT. + + * * * * * + +THE BURDEN OF BACILLUS. + + Is there no one to protect us, is existence then a sin, + That we're worried here in London and in Paris and Berlin? + We would live at peace with all men, but "Destroy them!" is the cry, + Physiological assassins are not happy till we die. + With the rights of man acknowledged, can you wonder that we squirm + At the endless persecution of the much-maltreated germ. + + We are ta'en from home and hearthstone, from the newly-wedded bride, + To be looked at by cold optics on a microscopic slide; + We are boiled and stewed together, and they never think it hurts; + We're injected into rabbits by those hypodermic squirts: + Never safe, although so very insignificant in size, + There's no peace for poor Bacillus, so it seems, until he dies. + + It is strange to think how men lived in the days of long ago, + When the fact of our existence they had never chanced to know. + If the scientific ghouls are right who hunt us to the death, + Those who came before them surely had expired ere they drew breath: + We were there in those old ages, thriving in our youthful bloom; + Then there was no KOCH or PASTEUR bent on compassing our doom. + + Men humanity are preaching, and philanthropists elate + Point out he who injures horses shall be punished by the State; + Dogs are carefully protected, likewise the domestic cats, + Possibly kind-hearted people would not draw the line at rats: + If all that be right and proper, why then persecute and kill us? + Lo! the age's foremost martyr is the vilified Bacillus! + + * * * * * + +WALK UP! + +As far as Vigo Street, and see Mr. NETTLESHIP's Wild Beast Show at +the sign of "The Rembrandt Head." Here are Wild Animals to be seen +done from the life, and to the life; tawny lions, sleepy bears, +flapping vultures, and eagles, and brilliant macaws--all in excellent +condition. Observe the "Lion roaring" at No. 28, and the "Ibis flying" +with the sunlight on his big white wings against a deep blue sky, No. +36. All these Wild Animals can be safely guaranteed as pleasant and +agreeable companions to live with, and so, judging from certain labels +on the frames, the British picture-buyer has already discovered. Poor +Mr. NETTLESHIP's Menagerie will return to him shorn of its finest +specimens--that is, if he ever sees any of them back at all. + + * * * * * + +IN OUR GARDEN. + +[Illustration] + +It has occurred to me in looking back over these unpremeditated notes, +that if by any chance they came to be published, the public might gain +the impression that the Member for SARK and I did all the work of the +Garden, whilst our hired man looked on. SARK, to whom I have put the +case, says that is precisely it. But I do not agree with him. We have, +as I have already explained, undertaken this new responsibility from +a desire to preserve health and strength useful to our QUEEN and +Country. Therefore we, as ARPACHSHAD says, potter about the Garden, +get in each other's way, and in his; that is to say, we are out +working pretty well all day, with inadequate intervals for meals. + +ARPACHSHAD, to do him justice, is most anxious not to interfere with +our project by unduly taking labour on himself. When we are shifting +earth, and as we shift it backwards and forwards there is a good deal +to be done in that way, he is quite content to walk by the side, or in +front of the barrow, whilst SARK wheels it, and I walk behind, picking +up any bits that have shaken out of the vehicle. (Earth trodden into +the gravel-walk would militate against its efficiency.) But of course +ARPACHSHAD is, in the terms of his contract, "a working gardener," and +I see that he works. + +At the same time it must be admitted that he does not display any +eagerness in engaging himself, nor does he rapidly and energetically +carry out little tasks which are set him. There are, for example, +the sods about the trees in the orchard. He says it's very bad for +the trees to have the sods close up to their trunks. There should be +a small space of open ground. ARPACHSHAD thought that perhaps "the +gents," as he calls us, would enjoy digging a clear space round the +trees. We thought we would, and set to work. But SARK having woefully +hacked the stem of a young apple-tree (_Lord Suffield_) and I having +laboriously and carefully cut away the entire network of the roots of +a damson-tree, under the impression that it was a weed, it was decided +that ARPACHSHAD had better do this skilled labour. We will attain to +it by-and-by. + +ARPACHSHAD has now been engaged on the work for a fortnight, and I +think it will carry him on into the spring. The way he walks round the +harmless apple-tree before cautiously putting in the spade, is very +impressive. Having dug three exceedingly small sods, he packs them in +a basket, and then, with a great sigh, heaves it on to his shoulder, +and walks off to store the sods by the potting-shed. Anything more +solemn than his walk, more depressing than his mien, has not been seen +outside a churchyard. If he were burying the child of his old age, +he could not look more cut up. SARK, who, probably owing to personal +associations, is beginning to develop some sense of humour, walked by +the side of him this morning whistling "_The Dead March in Saul_." + +The effect was unexpected and embarrassing. ARPACHSHAD slowly +relieved himself of the burden of the three sods, dropped them on +the ground with a disproportionate thud, and, producing a large +pocket-handkerchief, whose variegated and brilliant colours were, +happily, dimmed by a month's use, mopped his eyes. + +"You'll excuse _me_, gents," he snuffled, "but I never hear that there +tune, '_Rule Britanny_,' whistled or sung but I think of the time when +I went down to see my son off from Portsmouth for the Crimee, '_Rule +Britanny_' was the tune they played when he walked proudly aboard. He +was in all the battles, Almy, Inkerman, Ballyklaver, Seringapatam, and +Sebastopol." + +"And was he killed?" asked the Member for SARK, making as though he +would help ARPACHSHAD with the basket on to his shoulder again. + +"No," said ARPACHSHAD, overlooking the attention--"he lived to come +home; and last week he rode in the Lord Mayor's coach through the +streets of London, with all his medals on. Five shillings for the +day, and a good blow-out, presided over by Mr. AUGUSTIN HARRIS, in +his Sheriff's Cloak and Chain at the 'Plough-and-Thunder,' in the +Barbican." + +HARTINGTON came down to see us to-day. Mentioned ARPACHSHAD, and his +natural indisposition to hurry himself. + +"Why should he?" asked HARTINGTON, yawning, as he leaned over the +fence. "What's the use, as Whosthis says, of ever climbing up the +climbing wave? I can't understand how you fellows go about here with +your shirt-sleeves turned up, bustling along as if you hadn't a +minute to spare. It's just the same in the House; bustle everywhere; +everybody straining and pushing--everybody but me." + +"Well," said SARK, "but you've been up in Scotland, making quite a lot +of speeches. Just as if you were Mr. G. himself." + +"Yes," said HARTINGTON, looking admiringly at ARPACHSHAD, who had +taken off his coat, and was carefully folding it up, preparatory to +overtaking a snail, whose upward march on a peach-tree his keen eye +had noted; "but that wasn't my fault. I was dragged into it against +my will. It came about this way. Months ago, when Mr. G.'s tour was +settled, they said nothing would do but that I must follow him over +the same ground, speech by speech. If it had been to take place in the +next day or two, or in the next week, I would have plumply said No. +But, you see, it was a long way off. No one could say what might not +happen in the interval. If I'd said No, they would have worried me +week after week. If I said Yes, at least I wouldn't be bored on the +matter for a month or two. So I consented, and, when the time came, +I had to put in an appearance. But I mean to cut the whole business. +Shall take a Garden, like you and SARK, only it shall be a place to +lounge in, not to work in. Should like to have a fellow like your +ARPACHSHAD; soothing and comforting to see him going about his work." + +"I suppose you'll take a partner?" I asked. "Hope you'll get one more +satisfactory than SARK has proved." + +HARTINGTON blushed a rosy red at this reference to a partner. Didn't +know he was so sensitive on account of SARK; abruptly changed subject. + +"Fact is, TOBY," he said, "I hate politics; always been dragged into +them by one man or another. First it was BRIGHT; then Mr. G.; now the +MARKISS is always at me, making out that chaos will come if I don't +stick at my place in the House during the Session, and occasionally go +about country making speeches in the recess. Wouldn't mind the House +if seats were more comfortable. Can sleep there pretty well for twenty +minutes before dinner; but nothing to rest your head against; back +falls your head; off goes your hat; and then those Radical fellows +grin. I could stand politics better if Front Opposition Bench or +Treasury Bench were constructed on principle of family pews in country +churches. Get a decent quiet corner, and there you are. In any new +Reformed Parliament hope they'll think of it; though it doesn't matter +much to me. I'm going to cut it. Done my share; been abused now all +round the Party circle. Conservatives, Whigs, Liberals, Radicals, +Irish Members, Scotch and Welsh, each alternately have praised and +belaboured me. My old enemies now my closest friends. Old friends +look at me askance. It's a poor business. I never liked it, never had +anything to get out of it, and you'll see presently that I'll give it +up. Don't you suppose, TOBY my boy, that you shall keep the monopoly +of retirement. I'll find a partner, peradventure an ARPACHSHAD, and +we'll all live happily for the rest of our life." + +With his right hand thrust in his trouser-pocket, his left swinging +loosely at his side, and his hat low over his brow, HARTINGTON lounged +off till his tall figure was lost in the gloaming. + +"That's the man for _my_ money," said ARPACHSHAD, looking with growing +discontent at the Member for SARK, who, with the only blade left in +his tortoiseshell-handled penknife, was diligently digging weeds out +of the walk. + + * * * * * + +IN THE CLUB SMOKING-ROOM. + +"Lux Mundi," said somebody, reading aloud the title heading a lengthy +criticism in the _Times_. + +"Don't know so much about that," observed a sporting and superstitious +young man; "but I know that '_Ill luck's Friday_.'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIGHER EDUCATION. + +_Mr. Punch_. "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL, BUT IT'S TOO DULL. LET THEM HAVE A +LITTLE SUNSHINE, OR THEY WILL NEVER FOLLOW YOU."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A POSER. + +_Fair Client_. "I'M ALWAYS PHOTOGRAPHED FROM THE SAME SIDE, BUT I +FORGET WHICH!" + +_Scotch Photographer_ (_reflectively_). "WELL, IT'LL NO BE _THIS_ +SIDE, I'M THINKIN'. MAYBE IT'S T'ITHER!"] + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +Yes, quite so. It's a very good excuse! Whenever I do not turn up when +I am expected, my children say, "Pa's about pictures." It's just the +same as a doctor, when he forgets to keep an appointment, says, "he +has unexpectedly been called out." Yah! _I'd_ call some of 'em out if +I had the chance. I took French leave the other day, and went to the +French Gallery, expecting to see sketches in French chalk, or studies +in French grey. Nothing of the kind! Mr. WALLIS will have his little +joke. The main part of the exhibition is essentially English, and so +I found my Parisian accent was entirely thrown away. If it had only +been Scotch, I could have said something about the "Scots wha hae wi' +WALLIS," but I didn't have even that chance. Too bad, though, the +show is a good one. "English, you know, quite English." Lots of good +landscapes by LEADER, bright, fresh, breezy. Young painters should +"follow their Leader," and they can't go very far wrong. I would +write a leader on the subject, and introduce something about the +land-scape-goat, only I know it would be cut out. Being very busy, +sent Young Par to see Miss CHARLOTTE ROBINSON's Exhibition of Screens. +He behaved badly. Instead of looking at matters in a serious light, he +seemed to look upon the whole affair as a "screening farce," and began +to sing-- + + Here screens of all kinds you may see, + Designed most ar-tist-_tic_-a-lee, + In exquisite va-ri-e-tee, + By clever CHARLOTTE ROBINSON! + They'll screen you from the bitter breeze, + They'll screen you when you take your teas, + They'll screen you when you flirt with shes-- + Delightful CHARLOTTE ROBINSON! + +He then folded his arms, and began to sing, "with my riddle-ol, de +riddle-ol, de ri, de O," danced a hornpipe all over the place, broke +several valuable pieces of furniture, and was removed in charge of the +police. And this is the boy that was to be a comfort to me in my old +age! + +Yours parabolically, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +Novel praise from the _D.T._ for the Lord Mayor's Show, during a pause +for lunch:--"It is so quaint, so bright, so thoroughly un-English." +The Lord Mayor's Show "So Un-English, you know"! Then, indeed have we +arrived at the end of the ancient _al-fresco_ spectacle. + + * * * * * + +IN A HOLE. + +(_BRIEF IMPERIAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN TWO ACTS, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._) + + ["Well, if it comes to fighting, we should be just in + a hole."--_A Linesman's Opinion of the New Rifle, from + Conversation in Daily Paper._] + +ACT I. + + SCENE--_A Public Place in Time of Peace._ + +_Mrs. Britannia_ (_receiving a highly finished and improved newly +constructed scientific weapon from cautious and circumspect Head of +Department_). And so this is the new Magazine Rifle? + +_Head of Department_ (_in a tone of quiet and self-satisfied +triumph_). It is, Madam. + +_Mrs. Britannia_. And I may take your word for it, that it is a weapon +I can with confidence place in the hands of my soldiers. + +_Head of Department_. You may, Madam. Excellent as has been all the +work turned out by the Department I have the honour to represent, I +think I may fairly claim this as our greatest achievement. No less +than nine firms have been employed in its construction, and I am +proud to say that in one of the principal portions of its intricate +mechanism, fully seven-and-thirty different parts, united by +microscopic screws, are employed in the adjustment. But allow me to +explain. [_Does so, giving an elaborate and confusing account of the +construction, showing that, without the greatest care, and strictest +attention to a series of minute precautions on the part of the +soldier, the weapon is likely to get suddenly out of order, and prove +worse than useless in action. This, however, he artfully glides over +in his description, minimising all its possible defects, and finally +insisting that no power in Europe has turned out such a handy, +powerful, and serviceable rifle._ + +_Mrs. Britannia_. Ah, well, I don't profess to understand the +practical working of the weapon. But I have trusted you implicitly +to provide me with a good one, and this being, as you tell me, what I +want, I herewith place it the hands of my Army. (_Presents the rifle +to TOMMY ATKINS._) Here, ATKINS, take your rifle, and I hope you'll +know how to use it. + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a broad grin_). Thank'ee, Ma'am. I hope I shall, +for I shall be in a precious 'ole if I don't. + + [_Flourish of newspaper articles, general congratulatory + chorus on all sides, as Act-drop descends._ + +ACT II. + + _A Battle-field in time of War. Enter TOMMY ATKINS with his + rifle. In the interval, since the close of the last Act, he is + supposed to have been thoroughly instructed in its proper use, + and, though on one or two occasions, owing to disregard of + some trifling precaution, he has found it "jam," still, in the + leisure of the practice-field, he has been generally able to + get it right again, and put it in workable order. He is now + hurrying along in all the excitement of battle, and in face of + the enemy, of whom a batch appear on the horizon in front of + him, when the word is given to "fire."_ + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_endeavours to execute the order, but he finds +something "stuck," and his rifle refuses to go off._) Dang it! What's +the matter with the beastly thing! It's that there bolt that's caught +agin' (_thumps it furiously in his excitement and makes matters +worse._) Dang the blooming thing; I can't make it go. (_Vainly +endeavours to recall some directions, committed in calmer moments, to +memory._) Drop the bolt? No! that ain't it. Loose this 'ere pin (_tugs +frantically at a portion of the mechanism._) 'Ang me if I can make +it go! (_Removes a pin which suddenly releases the magazine_), well, +I've done it now and no mistake. Might as well send one to fight with +a broomstick. (_A shell explodes just behind him._) Well, _I am in +a 'ole_ and no mistake. [_Battle proceeds with results as Act-drop +falls._ + + * * * * * + +OLD FRENCH SAW RE-SET.--FROM _THE STANDARD_, NOVEMBER 14:-- + + "The duel between M. DEROULEDE and M. LAGUERRE occurred + yesterday morning in the neighbourhood of Charleroi, in + Belgium. Four shots were exchanged without any result. On + returning to Charleroi the combatants and their seconds were + arrested." + + "_C'est Laguerre, mais ce n'est pas magnifique._" + + * * * * * + +NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case +be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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