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diff --git a/12536-0.txt b/12536-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ace020 --- /dev/null +++ b/12536-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2058 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12536 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +January 14, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +We hear that the CHANCELLOR has, while in North Africa, been making a +close study of camels, with a view to ascertaining the nature of the +last straw which breaks their backs. + + *** + +It is denied that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in order to give a practical +demonstration of his belief in the disarmament idea, has given +instructions that all precautions against attacks on him by +Suffragettes are to be discontinued. + + *** + +The Balkan situation is considered to have undergone a change for +the worse owing to the purchase by Turkey of the Dreadnought _Rio de +Janeiro_. For ourselves we cannot subscribe to this view. Is it likely +that the Turks, after paying over £2,000,000 for her, will risk losing +this valuable vessel in war? + + *** + +On the day of the marriage of the Teuton Coal-King's daughter to Lord +REDESDALE's son last week there was snow on the ground. The Coal-King +must have shown up very well against it. + + *** + +Sir REGINALD BRADE is to be the new permanent secretary at the War +Office. Let's hope he has no connection with the firm of Gold Brade +and Red Tape. + + *** + +It has been discovered that members of a certain Eskimo tribe have +an extra joint in their waists. The news has caused the greatest +excitement among cannibal tribes all over the world, and it is +expected that there will be a huge demand for these people. Where +there are big families to feed the extra joint will be invaluable. + + *** + +"OUR RESOLUTION IS TO GO FORWARD IN THE NEW YEAR." advertises the +London General Omnibus Co. A capital idea, this. Vehicles which simply +go backwards are never so satisfactory. + + *** + +After one-hundred-and-fifty-years' careful consideration the War +Office has given permission to the Black Watch and the King's +Royal Rifle Corps to bear on their regimental colours the honorary +distinction "North America, 1763-64," in recognition of services +rendered during the war against the Red Indians. + + *** + +Not sixty people visited "La Gioconda" on one of the days after +her return to Paris, when a charge of four shillings was made for +admission, and, towards the end of the day, the smile is said to have +worn a rather forced look. + + *** + +"Who are the best selling modern authors?" asks a contemporary. We +do not like to mention names, but, as readers, we have been sold by +several popular writers lately. + + *** + +We are not surprised that many persons are becoming rather disgusted +with our little amateurish attempts at Winter. Thousands now go to +Switzerland, and Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON is going even further afield. +Meanwhile the Government does nothing to stem this emigration. + + *** + +The boxing craze among the French continues. M. VEDRINES, the intrepid +aviator, has taken it up and been practising on M. Roux's ears. + + *** + +The German CROWN PRINCE has become a member of the Danzig Cabinet +Makers' Union. Later on he hopes to become a Chancellor-maker. + + *** + +Another impending apology? Headlines from _The Daily Chronicle_:-- + + "PNEUMONIA ON THE RAND. + DISCOVERY OF ITS CAUSE. + SIR ALMROTH WRIGHT'S + VACCINE TREATMENT." + + *** + +Could frugality go further? At the golden wedding celebrations of a +Southend couple, a packet of wedding cake was eaten which had been put +away on their marriage day in 1863. + + *** + +A soap combine, with a nominal capital of £35,000,000, is said to have +been formed to exploit China; and the Mongols may yet cease to be a +yellow race. + + *** + +The latest tall story from America is to the effect that some burglars +who broke into the Presbyterian church at Syracuse, New York, stole a +parcel of sermons. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PANTOMIME FAUNA. + +_Extract from the note-book of the dramatic critic of "the Wampton +Clarion_":-- + +Mr. Clarence Fink delighted the Audience with his truly life like +representation of [Crossed-out: a wolf bear lion cat monkey] an animal +of the furry tribe.] + + * * * * * + +YOUNG MOTHER'S SWAN-SONG. + + ["It was better for a young mother to start her new + chapter unhampered: the less she knew the better it was for + her."--_Mrs. Annie Swan_.] + + How do you take a baby up? + What does it like to eat? + Do you put rusks in a feeding cup? + Have you to mince its meat? + Haven't I heard them speak of pap? + Isn't there caudle too? + How do you keep the thing on your lap? + Why are its eyes askew? + Is it a touch of original sin + Causes an infant to squall, + Or trust misplaced in a safety-pin + Lost in the depths of a shawl? + When do you "shorten" a growing child + (_Is_ it so much too long)? + Should legs be lopped or the scalp be filed? + Both in a sense seem wrong. + "Kitchy," I think I have heard them say; + What shall I make it kitch? + "Bo" I believe in a mystic way + Frightens or soothes, but which? + Didn't I see one once reversed, + Patted about the spine? + Is it the way they should all be nursed? + Will it agree with mine? + Surely its gums are strangely bare? + Why does it dribble so? + Will reason dawn in that glassy stare + If I dandle it briskly? OH!!! + Grandmothers! Mothers! or Instinct, you! + Haste with your secret lore! + What, oh what shall I, what shall I do? + Baby has crashed to the floor! + + * * * * * + + "They adjourned to the Village Hell, where each child was + presented with a parcel of suitable clothing."--_Tonbridge + Free Press_. + +Asbestos, no doubt. + + * * * * * + +A PRANCING PRUSSIAN. + + (_Showing how Colonel VON REUTER, late of Zabern, appealed to + his regiment to defend the honour of the Army. The following + speech is based upon evidence given at the Strassburg trial._) + + My Prussian braves, on whom devolves the mission + To vindicate our gallant Army's worth, + Upholding in its present proud position + The noblest fighting instrument on earth-- + If, in your progress, any vile civilian + Declines the homage of the lifted hat, + Your business is to paint his chest vermilion-- + Kindly attend to that. + + Never leave barracks, when you go a-shopping, + Without an escort loaded up with lead; + Always maintain a desultory popping + At anyone who wags a wanton head; + If, as he passes, some low boy should whistle + With nose in air and shameless chin out-thrust, + Making your scandalised moustaches bristle-- + Reduce the dog to dust. + + I hear a sinister and shocking rumour + Touching the native tendency to chaff. + If you should meet with specimens of humour + See that our soldiers get the final laugh; + Fling the facetious corpses in the fountains + So as the red blood overflows the brink; + Keep on until the blue Alsatian mountains + Turn a reflective pink. + + Should any female whom your shadow touches + Grudge you the glad, but deferential, eye; + Should any cripple fail to hold his crutches + At the salute as you go marching by; + Draw, in the KAISER's name--'tis rank high treason; + Stun them with sabre-strokes upon the poll; + Then dump them (giving no pedantic reason) + Down cellars with the coal. + + Be on your guard against all people strolling + In ones or twos about the public square + Hard by your quarters; set your men patrolling; + Ask every knave what he is doing there; + And, if in your good wisdom you determine + To view their conduct in a dangerous light, + Bring the machine-guns out and blow the vermin + Into the _Ewigkeit_. + + Enough! I leave our honour in your keeping. + What are your bright swords for except to slay? + Preserve their lustre; let me see them leaping + Out of their scabbards twenty times a day; + Unless we smash these craven churls like crockery + To prove our right of place within the sun, + Our martial prestige has become a mockery + And Deutschland's day is done! + + O.S. + + * * * * * + + "The dancing, in the conventional bullet style, of Miss Sybil + Roe, was quite good."--_Wiltshire Times_. + +We confess that the bullet style is too fast for us. + + * * * * * + + "In all the best dress ateliers classic evening gowns are now + being exhibited, and in many of these the lines of the corsage + closely resemble the draperies to be seen on the Venus de + Milo."--_Daily Mail_. + +We must go and look at the Venus de Milo's corsage again. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW JOURNAL-INSURANCE. + + [Several newspapers have been roused to a sense of their + duties to their readers by the insurance competition between + _The Chronicle_ and _The Mail_. We make a few preliminary + announcements of other insurance schemes which are not yet + contemplated.] + +_VOTES FOR WOMEN_.--A copy of the current issue nailed to your front +door insures you absolutely against arson. + +_THE STAR_.--All regular subscribers to _The Star_ are insured with +the proprietors of _The Daily News_ for £1,000 in the event of being +welshed on any race-course. + +_THE NATIONAL REVIEW_.--Annual subscribers to _The National Review_ +are guaranteed £10,000 in the event of being (a) robbed on the highway +by a member of the present Ministry; (b) defrauded by a member of the +present Ministry; (c) having house burgled by member of the present +Ministry; (d) having pocket picked by member of present Ministry; +always excluding any act or acts done by the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER in a strictly official capacity. + +_THE CHURCH TIMES_.--All regular subscribers are insured for £500 +against excommunication. £1,000 will be paid to the heirs or assigns +of any reader who loses his head in a conflict with a Bishop (Deans, +Rural Deans, Canons and Archdeacons being excepted from the benefit of +this clause in the policy). + +_THE ENGLISH REVIEW_.--Poetic contributors are insured for £500 in the +event of a prosecution under the Blasphemy Laws. + +_THE DAILY EXPRESS_.--You can sleep soundly in your bed, you can sleep +soundly in your train, if the current issue of _The Daily Express_ +be on your person. All purchasers are insured for £10,000 against any +conflagrations or explosions caused by bombs or combustibles dropped +from German airships. + +_THE BRITISH WEEKLY_.--All readers of _The British Weekly_ are insured +for £1,000 in the event of heart-failure caused by shock while reading +the thrilling stories provided by SILAS, JOSEPH, TIMOTHY and JEREMIAH +HOCKING. + +_THE RECORD_.--£500 will be paid to any annual subscriber forcibly +detained in a convent, provided that at the time of such detention a +copy of the current issue of _The Record_ be in his possession. £1,000 +will be paid to the legal representatives of any reader burnt at the +stake. + +_THE CRICCIETH CHRONICLE_.--£3 a week for life, together with a +poultry farm on a Sutherland deer-forest, to the owner of any shorn +lamb which is found dead in a snow-drift with a copy of the current +issue wrapt round it, to keep it warm. + + * * * * * + +The great world rolls on, but of the master-brains which direct its +movement the man in the street knows nothing. He has never heard +of the Clerk of the Portland Urban District Council; he is entirely +ignorant of Army Order 701. + + "Dear Sir" (writes the Clerk)--"A meeting of the Underhill + Members of the Council will be held to-morrow (Saturday), at 3 + o'clock p.m., in Spring Gardens (Fortuneswell) for the purpose + of selecting a site for the Telegraph Post." + + "With effect from 1st January, 1914" (says the Army Order) + "rewigging of gun sponges will be done by the Ordnance + Department instead of locally as at present." + + * * * * * + + "Inman was seen to greater advantage at yesterday afternoon's + session in this match of 18,000 up, in Edinburgh, than on + any previous day of the match, scoring 1,083 while Aiken was + aggregating the mentally afflicted."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + +One must amuse oneself somehow while the other man is at the table. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SEA-CHANGE. + +TORY CHORUS (_to WINSTON_). "YOU'VE MADE ME LOVE YOU; I DIDN'T WANT TO +DO IT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amiable Uncle_ (_doing some conjuring to amuse the +children_). "SEE, HERE I HAVE A BILLIARD BALL--I AM GOING TO TURN IT +INTO SOMETHING ELSE." + +_First Bored Youngster_ (_to second ditto_). "WHY SHOULD HE? IT'S A +VERY NICE BALL."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO TELL AN EDITOR. + +In view of _The Daily Mail's_ praiseworthy efforts to instruct +applicants for situations in the correct phrasing of letters to +prospective employers, we propose to supply a similar long-felt want, +and give a little advice as to the kind of letter it is desirable to +enclose with contributions to periodicals. + +Begin your letter in a friendly vein, hoping the Editor and his people +are pretty well. Remember also that Editors like to know something +of the characters and histories of their contributors. So let your +communication include a _résumé_ of your personal and literary career. +Don't fall into the error of making your letter too concise. + +The following suggestions may serve to indicate some of the lines of +thought that you might follow:-- + +(1) State where you sent your first manuscript. + +(2) What you thought of it, and of the Editor who returned it. + +(3) Your height and chest measurement (an Editor likes to be on the +safe side). + +(4) State who persuaded you to take up literature, and give height and +chest measurement of same. + +(5) Give a short but optimistic description of your contribution, not +to exceed in length the contribution itself. + +(6) State whether literary genius is rife in your family or has been +rife at any time since 1066. + +(7) Give a list of journals to which you have already sent the +enclosed contribution, and state your reasons for supposing that the +Editors were misguided. Hint that perhaps, after all, their lack of +enterprise was fortunate for the present recipient. + +(8) Mention your hobbies and the different appointments you have held +since the age of twelve, with names and addresses of employers. Also +give your reasons for remaining as long as you did in each situation. + +(9) State how long you have been a subscriber to the journal you are +electing to honour, and whether you think it's worth the money. Point +out any little improvements you consider desirable in its compilation, +and mention other periodicals as perfect examples. Preface these +remarks with some such phrase as this: "Pray don't think I want to +teach you your business, but--" + +(10) Give full list (names and addresses) of friends who have promised +to buy the paper if your contribution appears. + +(11) Give a brief outline, in faultless English, of your religious, +political and police court convictions, your views on Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE, and any ideas you may have about the Law of Copyright. + +Finally, enclose a stamped and addressed envelope for the return of +your article. + + * * * * * + + "It has always been supposed that Charles I. when Prince of + Wales and travelling incognito with the Duke of Buckingham saw + and fell in love with Marie Antoinette." + +Not by us. We always supposed he fell in love with SARAH BERNHARDT. + + * * * * * + +THE SAME OLD STORY. + +We stood in a circle round the parrot's cage and gazed with interest +at its occupant. She (Evangeline) was balancing easily on one leg, +while with the other leg and her beak she tried to peel a monkey-nut. +There are some of us who hate to be watched at meals, particularly +when dealing with the dessert, but Evangeline is not of our number. + +"There," said Mrs. Atherley, "isn't she a beauty?" + +I felt that, as the last to be introduced, I ought to say something. + +"What do you say to a parrot?" I whispered to Miss Atherley. + +"Have a banana," suggested Archie. + +"I believe you say, 'Scratch-a-poll,'" said Miss Atherley, "but I +don't know why." + +"Isn't that rather dangerous? Suppose it retorted 'Scratch your own,' +I shouldn't know a bit how to go on." + +"It can't talk," said Archie. "It's quite a baby--only seven months +old. But it's no good showing it your watch; you must think of some +other way of amusing it." + +"Break it to me, Archie. Have I been asked down solely to amuse the +parrot, or did any of you others want to see me?" + +"Only the parrot," said Archie. + +Evangeline paid no attention to us. She continued to wrestle with the +monkey-nut. I should say that she was a bird not easily amused. + +"Can't it really talk at all?" I asked Mrs. Atherley. + +"Not yet. You see, she's only just come over from South America, and +isn't used to the climate yet." + +"Just the person you'd expect to talk a lot about the weather. I +believe you've been had. Write a little note to the poulterers and ask +if you can change it. You've got a bad one by mistake." + +"We got it as a bird," said Mrs. Atherley with dignity, "not as a +gramophone." + +The next morning Evangeline was as silent as ever. Miss Atherley and I +surveyed it after breakfast. It was still grappling with a monkey-nut, +but no doubt a different one. + +"Isn't it _ever_ going to talk?" I asked. "Really, I thought parrots +were continually chatting." + +"Yes, but they have to be taught--just like you teach a baby." + +"Are you sure? I quite see that you have to teach them any special +things you want them to say, but I thought they were all born with +a few simple obvious remarks, like 'Poor Polly,' or--or 'Dash LLOYD +GEORGE.'" + +"I don't think so," said Miss Atherley. "Not the green ones." + +At dinner that evening, Mr. Atherley being now with us, the question +of Evangeline's education was seriously considered. + +"The only proper method," began Mr. Atherley--"By the way," he said, +turning to me, "you don't know anything about parrots, do you?" + +"No," I said. "You can go on quite safely." + +"The only proper method of teaching a parrot--I got this from a man in +the City this morning--is to give her a word at a time, and to go on +repeating it over and over again until she's got hold of it." + +"And after that the parrot goes on repeating it over and over again +until you've got sick of it," said Archie. + +"Then we shall have to be very careful what word we choose," said Mrs. +Atherley. + +"What is your favourite word?" + +"Well, really--" + +"Animal, vegetable or mineral?" asked Archie. + +"This is quite impossible. Every word by itself seems so silly." + +"Not 'home' and 'mother,'" I said reproachfully. + +"You shall recite your little piece in the drawing-room afterwards," +said Miss Atherley to me. "Think of something sensible now." + +"Yes," said Mrs. Atherley. "What's the latest word from London?" + +"Kikuyu." + +"What?" + +"I can't say it again," I protested. + +"If you can't even say it twice, it's no good for Evangeline." + +A thoughtful silence fell upon us. + +"Have you fixed on a name for her yet?" Miss Atherley asked her +mother. + +"Evangeline, of course." + +"No, I mean a name for her to call _you_. Because if she's going +to call you 'Auntie' or 'Darling,' or whatever you decide on, you'd +better start by teaching her that." + +And then I had a brilliant idea. + +"I've got the very word," I said. "It's 'hallo.' You see, it's a +pleasant form of greeting to any stranger, and it will go perfectly +with the next word that she's taught, whatever it may be." + +"Supposing it's 'wardrobe,'" suggested Archie, "or 'sardine'?" + +"Why not? 'Hallo, Sardine' is the perfect title for a _revue_. Witty, +subtle, neat--probably the great brain of the Revue King has already +evolved it, and is planning the opening scene." + +"Yes, 'hallo' isn't at all bad," said Mr. Atherley. "Anyway, it's +better than 'Poor Polly,' which is simply morbid. Let's fix on +'hallo.'" + +"Good," said Mrs. Atherley. + +Evangeline said nothing, being asleep under her blanket. + + * * * * * + +I was down first next morning, having forgotten to wind up my watch +overnight. Longing for company I took the blanket off Evangeline's +cage and introduced her to the world again. She stirred sleepily, +opened her eyes and blinked at me. + +"Hallo, Evangeline," I said. + +She made no reply. + +Suddenly a splendid scheme occurred to me. I would teach Evangeline +her word now. How it would surprise the others when they came down and +said "Hallo" to her, to find themselves promptly answered back! + +"Evangeline," I said, "listen. Hallo, hallo, hallo, hallo." I stopped +a moment and went on more slowly. "Hallo--hallo--hallo." + +It was dull work. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo--hallo," and then very distinctly, +"Hal-_lo_." + +Evangeline looked at me with an utterly bored face. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo." + +She picked up a monkey nut and ate it languidly. + +"Hallo," I went on, "hallo, hallo ... hallo, _hallo_, HALLO, HALLO ... +hallo, hallo--" + +She dropped her nut and roused herself for a moment. + +"Number engaged," she snapped, and took another nut. + + * * * * * + +You needn't believe this. The others didn't when I told them. + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +From "Notes, Questions and Answers" in _T.P.'s Weekly_:-- + + "Author wanted, and where the whole poem can be found:-- + + "Drink to me only with thine eyes, + And I'll not ask for wine." + + C.E.H. + + [Herrick. A collected edition of the poems is published by + J.M. Dent at 1s. net.--ED. N.Q.A.]" + +Afterthought by ED. N.Q.A.: "At least I think it's HERRICK ... or +WORDSWORTH ... but wait till the Editor comes back from Algiers. He's +sure to know." + + * * * * * + + "Sir John Thornycroft kicked off in a football charity match + at Bembridge, Isle of Wight, in which the combined ages of the + players was 440 years."--_Hull Daily Mail_. + +Why not? + + * * * * * + + "M. Timiriazeff, president of the Anglo-British Chamber of + Commerce, followed with a speech."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +We like his Anglo-British name. + + * * * * * + +WINTER SPORTS. + + [_Some additional aspects of the fashionable topic that + seem to have escaped the writers of similar articles in our + contemporaries_.] + +(I.)--BUYING THE HOTEL. + +For this game several players are required, who form themselves into +one or more parties according to numbers. A player, preferably a +woman, is selected as leader, and should possess nerve, coolness, and +an authoritative voice. The object of the game is to secure (1) The +best rooms; (2) Tables with a view; (3) The controlling interest in +all projects of entertainment. It is an important advantage for the +leader to have stayed in the hotel at least once previously. If she +is able to announce on arrival, "Here we are as usual!" and to greet +the proprietor and staff by name, this often gives an initial blow +exceedingly hard to parry. English visitors have been proving very +adept at the sport this season, with Americans a good second. The +German game, on the contrary, is slower and less subtle. + +(II.)--SPOTTING THE PARSON. + +An amusing game that has been very popular at many Swiss resorts +lately, and one that calls for the qualifications of a quick brain +and a keen eye. The universal adoption of sweaters and woollen +caps makes the task of the players one of considerable difficulty. +Envelope-reading should be forbidden by the rules, and some codes even +debar the offering of a _Church Times_ to a suspected stranger. The +_Athenæum_ and _Spectator_ may, however, be freely employed as bait. +A simpler version of the same sport called "HOW MANY SCHOOLMASTERS?" +is often indulged in between December 20th and January 15th, after +which latter date it loses its point. + +Other games, seldom chronicled but inquiring at least as much skill +from their votaries as the better known varieties, are EARLY MORNING +SKI-BAGGING--at which the Germans frequently carry all before +them--and PRESSING THE PRESS-PHOTOGRAPHER, where the object of all the +players is to appear recognizably in a snap-shot for the illustrated +journals. At this the record score of three weekly and five daily +papers has been held for two successive seasons by the same player, a +gentleman whose dexterity is the subject of universal admiration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE--_Interior of box at Fancy Dress Ball_. + +_Host of Party_. "I SAY, BETTY, I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A CITY +FRIEND OF MINE, _MR. JONES_." + +_Hostess_ (_hospitably_). "HOW D'YOU DO? OH, YOU'RE _AWFULLY_ GOOD!" + +_Host_ (_sotto voce_). "TAKE CARE! HE'S NOT MADE UP AT ALL."] + + * * * * * + +THE WONDER ZOO. + +Canada has evolved a novelty described as a "new beef animal," which +is a blend of the domestic cow and the North American bison. The +resulting prodigy has the ferocious hump and shoulders of the bison, +with the mildly benevolent face of the Herefordshire ox. It must +not, however, be supposed that the old country is behind-hand in such +experiments, as witness the following:-- + +Billingsgate salesmen have lately been supplied with advance copies +of the new Codoyster fish. This epicurean triumph, which owes its +existence to the research of several eminent specialists, is the +result of a blend of the North Sea cod and the finest Whitstable +native. The result is said to reproduce in a remarkable degree the +succulent qualities of the original fish when eaten with oyster sauce, +and caterers are sure to welcome the combination of these popular +items in so handy a form. + +Several fine examples of the Soho chicken have lately appeared upon +the show benches at various important poultry contests. This ingenious +creation, which has long been familiar to the patrons of our less +expensive restaurants (hence the name), is said to possess qualities +of endurance superior to anything previously on the market. Its +muscular development is phenomenal, while the entire elimination of +the liver, and the substitution of four extra drum-sticks for the +ordinary wings and thighs, are noteworthy characteristics. + +Success in another branch of the same endeavour is shown in the latest +report of the Society for the Prolongation of Dachshunds. According +to this the worm-ideal seems at last to be in sight, careful +inter-breeding having now produced a variety called the Processional, +selected specimens of which take from one to two minutes in passing +any given spot. The almost entire disappearance of legs is another +attractive feature. + +Meanwhile Major-Gen. Threebottle writes from Oporto Lodge, Ealing, +strongly protesting against any further complication of the fauna of +these islands, and pointing out that the simple snakes and cats of our +youth were already sufficiently formidable to a nervous invalid like +himself without the addition of such objectionable novelties. + + * * * * * + + "Without warning, while the car was travelling at about + fifteen miles per hour, the tyre of the front wheel + burst."--_Scotsman_. + +Our tyres are much better trained, and each of the four gives a +distinctive cough before bursting. + + * * * * * + + "WAREHOUSEMAN (jun.), clothing dept., large + corporation."--_Advt. in_ "_Glasgow Herald_." + +He should show off the new line in check waistcoats to the best +advantage. + + * * * * * + +THE SECRET OUT. + +AN INTERVIEW. + +He had a coarse confident face, a red nose, a Cockney accent and a +raucous voice. He was dressed as a sluttish woman. + +Directly I saw him I was conscious of a feeling of repulsion, which I +fear my expression must have indicated, for he looked surprised. + +"Why aren't you laughing?" he asked. + +"Why should I laugh?" I asked in return. + +"Because you are looking at me," he said. "I am accustomed to laughter +the instant I appear." + +"Why?" + +"Because I am a funny man," he said. + +"How?" + +"I look funny," he said; "I say funny things; I draw a good salary for +it. If I wasn't funny I shouldn't draw a good salary, should I?" + +"You do draw it," I said guardedly. "Be funny now." + +"'Wait till I catch you bending,'" he said with a violent grimace. +"'What ho! 'Ave a drop of gin, ole dear?'" + +"Be funny now," I repeated. + +He looked bewildered. "I _was_ being funny," he said. "I bring the +house down with that, as a rule." + +"Where?" + +"In panto," he said. + +"Oh!" I replied. "So you're the funny man of a pantomime, are you?" + +"Yes," he said. + +"Which one?" + +"All of them," he said. + +"Good," I replied. "I have long wanted a talk with you. There are +things I want to ask you. Why, for instance, do you always pretend to +be a grimy slum woman?" + +"It seems to be expected," he said. + +"Who expects it? The children?" + +"What children?" + +"The children who go to pantomimes," I said. + +"Oh, those! Well, they laugh," he replied evasively. + +"They like to see you quarrelling with your husband and getting +drunk?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to hear you, as an Ugly Sister in _Cinderella_, singing +'Father's on the booze again; mother's off her chump'?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you as the wife of Ali Baba, finding pawntickets +in your husband's pockets and charging him with spending his money on +flappers?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as The Widow Twankay, visit a race meeting and +get welshed and have your clothes torn off?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as Dick Whittington's mother, telling the cat +that, if he must eat onions, at any rate he can refrain from kissing +her?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as the dame in _Goody Two Shoes_, open a night +club on the strict understanding that it is only for clergymen's +daughters in need of recreation?" + +"They laugh," he said again. + +"But they don't know what you mean?" + +"No. But I'm funny. That's what you don't seem to understand. I'm so +funny that everything I say and do makes them laugh. It doesn't, in +fact, matter _what_ I say." + +"Ah!" I replied, "I have you there! In that case why don't you say a +few simpler and sweeter things?" + +He seemed perplexed. + +"Things," I explained, "that don't want quite so much knowledge of the +seamy side of life?" + +"Go on!" he said derisively. "I haven't got time to mug _that_ up. +I've got my living to get. You don't suppose I invent my jokes, do +you? I collect them. I'm on the Halls the rest of the year, and I hear +them there. There hasn't been a new joke in a pantomime these twenty +years. But what you don't seem to get into your head, mister, is the +fact that I make them laugh. Laugh. I'm a scream, I tell you." + +"And laughter is all you want?" I asked. + +"I must either make people laugh or get 'the bird.'" + +"But hasn't it ever occurred to you," I said, "that children in a +theatre at Christmas time are entitled to have a little fun that +is not wholly connected with sordid domestic affairs and pothouse +commonness?" + +"Never," he said, and I believed him. + +"Haven't you children of your own?" + +"Several." + +"And is that how you amuse them at home?" + +"Of course not. They're too young." + +"How old are they?" + +"From six to thirteen." + +"But that's the age of the children who go to pantomimes," I +suggested. + +"Well, it's different in your own home," he said. "Besides," he added, +"it isn't children I aim at in my jokes. There's other things for +them: the fairy ballets, the comic dog." + +"And what is the audience you aim at?" I asked. "I suppose there is +one definite figure you have in your mind's eye?" + +"Yes," he said, "there is one. The person in the audience that I +always aim at is the silly servant-girl in the front row of the +gallery. That's why I so often say 'girls' before I make a joke. +You've heard me, haven't you?" + +"Haven't I?" I groaned. + + * * * * * + +THE GAME LICENCE. + +It was yesterday afternoon, towards the close of the last beat of our +annual cover shoot, that I perceived a fellow in a yellow waterproof +popping up his head from time to time (at no little risk to his life) +over a dyke some way behind the line of guns. As soon as the beaters +came out he advanced and introduced himself as an Excise Officer, +asking "if this would be a convenient moment to examine the game +licences of the party." + +It was not at all a convenient moment for Walter--who hadn't got one. +My thoughts flew at once to Walter in this crisis, for I knew he was +bound to be had. Walter never does have game licences, season tickets, +adhesive labels, telegraph forms or things of that sort. And as he +had only returned from Canada two days before and this was the first +time that he had been out, and further as he immediately disappeared +and hid behind the hedge, I knew that my worst suspicions must be +confirmed. While the Excise Officer was taking down the names and +addresses of the rest of the party I went after Walter. He was sitting +in the ditch with his head in his hands. + +"If this had happened a few years ago, old chap," he said, "when I +was a younger man, I should have run for it. But to-day I believe that +feller would overhaul me within half-a-mile. My wind's rotten. Do you +think he'll find us here?" + +"Yes," said I, "he is coming this way." + +Walter got up. "There must be some way out of it," he said +thoughtfully, "if one could only think of it." Then he boldly +confronted his accuser. + +"Since you put it to me," he said, "no, I have no game licence. But +fortunately in my case it is not necessary. I am exempt." + +The Officer stared at him a moment. + +"Certainly it is necessary," he said. + +"Kindly show me the form of this licence," said Walter in the most +lordly, off-hand, _de-haut-en-bas_ tone of voice, and the Officer +handed him one belonging to the Major, which he had been scrutinizing. +"This, I perceive," said Walter, when he had read it carefully, "is a +licence or certificate to kill game. It doesn't apply to me." + +"Why not?" + +"Because I haven't killed any game." + +"But you have your gun in your hand at this moment." + +"That is so. This is my gun. But where, I ask you, is my dead game? +The truth is, my dear fellow," he went on, dropping his voice to a +more confidential level, "though it's pretty humiliating to have to +admit it and all that, especially before the beaters--the truth is +that I haven't hit a blamed thing to-day. Rotten, isn't it?" + +Walter isn't much of a shot and there weren't many birds anyway, and +he hadn't been very lucky in his stands--and when one came to think +it over one couldn't just exactly _remember_ anything at all having +fallen to his gun. + +"I call all these fellows to witness," said Walter most impressively, +"that I have killed no game. If it pleases me to discharge my gun, at +short intervals, for the sake of the bang--" + +"You require a gun licence," said the Officer. + +"That is not the point. I may or may not have a gun licence, but our +present controversy relates to a certificate to kill game. Do not let +us confuse the issue." + +It now appeared, however, that the Officer had been waiting behind the +dyke rather longer than we knew. "I myself," he said firmly, "saw you +bring down a cock pheasant at the beginning of the last beat." + +Walter consulted the paper in his hand. "I observe," he said, "that +this licence (or certificate) relates to killing game. There is +nothing said of bringing it down. I may, as you say, have induced a +cock pheasant to descend. I certainly didn't kill him. As a matter of +fact he was lightly touched on the wing, and he ran like a hare." + +"He's in that patch of bracken there," said the Officer. "If you will +send a keeper and a dog with me--" + +"No, I can't do that," said Walter, "unless you can show me a written +authority empowering you, in the KING's name, to borrow keepers and +dogs." + +It was then that the fun began. The Officer went off like a shot +up the hillside, started the old cock, chased him up the ditch and +through the hedge, and finally, to everyone's surprise and delight, +collared him in a corner of the dyke. There were loud cheers from the +enthusiastic crowd, but they were cut short by a sharp warning from +Walter. + +"Be careful how you handle that bird, Sir!" he cried. "If anything +happens to him I shall hold you responsible. I have no reason to +believe that you hold a licence (or certificate) to kill game. If he +suffers a mortal injury I shall report you." + +The Officer began to look rather bewildered and the old cock flapped +his wings. + +"I'll thank you for that bird," said Walter firmly, and he took it and +tucked it comfortably under his arm. + +"What are you going to do with it?" asked the Officer. + +"I am going to nurse it back to health and strength," said Walter. "It +only requires a little close attention. I shall be happy if you will +call in about a week's time to enquire. Good afternoon. I am very +pleased to have met you." And Walter held out his hand. + +Well, that is where the matter rests. If Walter can keep the bird +alive the case against him falls to the ground. If not, I suppose it +means a three-pound licence and a ten-pound fine. He took him straight +back to the Home Farm and secured for him dry and airy quarters in the +poultry run, and did not leave him till he had seen to his comfort in +every way and given minute directions as to his treatment.... + +I am afraid the old cock passed a rather restless night, but he was +able to take part of a warm mash, with two drops of laudanum in it, at +an early hour this morning. At this moment I hear Walter getting out +his motor-bicycle. I fancy he is going for the vet. + + * * * * * + +Says Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER:-- + + "There is a journal in London which has the impertinence to + call itself _The Nation_, but ... it does not represent the + merest fraction of our countrymen." + +Mr. SHORTER's own paper is called, more modestly, _The Sphere_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FUTURE OF BRITISH BOXING. + +_Rough_ (_to policeman who has knocked him down_). "WELL, IT'S WORF +IT. TO ME BELONGS THE CREDIT OF 'AVIN' DISCOVERED A BLOOMIN' WHITE +'OPE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GETTING USED TO THE "SMILING EXPRESSION." + +OUR SUGGESTION FOR A SYSTEM OF ADVANCED PHYSICAL TRAINING FOR PRUSSIAN +OFFICERS BEFORE TAKING UP COMMANDS IN THE ALSATIAN DISTRICT, WHERE THE +POPULACE IS SAID TO BE ADDICTED TO HUMOUR.] + + * * * * * + +OLD FRIENDS. + +I was in the train because I had to go to Birmingham; I was in the +dining car because I had to dine. With all respect to the Company I +cannot pretend that I regarded myself as doing anything remarkable or +distinguished. The little man opposite me, however, felt differently. +I have since been told that they of Birmingham are very proud of their +non-stop train service by both routes. + +"This, Sir," said the stranger, as I lowered my paper to help myself +to a proffered roll--"this is one of the Two-Hour trains." + +"You don't say," said I politely but not encouragingly. + +"Two hours," he repeated impressively. + +"Indeed? Two whole hours and not a moment less?" and I returned to my +paper pending the soup's arrival. + +"Is it not wonderful," he resumed when I was at his mercy again, +"to be travelling at sixty miles an hour and eating soup at the same +time?" + +"Some people eat soup," said I, "and some drink it. For myself, I give +it a miss;" and I returned to the news. + +With the fish: "I came up by the breakfast train this morning," said +he, "and I now return by the dining train." He meant by this to give +credit to the Company rather than to himself, but even so it seemed to +fall short of the complete ideal. There was something wanting. It was +luncheon, of course. + +"They run luncheon cars too," said he. + +"Then there seems to be no reason why you should ever leave the train +at all," I remarked, seeking refuge again in my paper. In spite, +however, of my coldness, he continued to assail me with similar facts +every time I emerged. Finally he took a sheet of slightly soiled paper +and pencilled on it a schedule of our movements. It ran:-- + + Mileage. Place. Time. + + -- Euston 6.55 P.M. + 5½ Willesden [7.4] " + 17½ Watford [7.18] " + 46¾ Bletchley [7.50] " + 82¼ Rugby [8.24] " + 94¼ Coventry [8.36] " + 113 Birmingham 8.55 " + +"To give this the very careful consideration it deserves," said I, "I +must be left absolutely to myself." + +Later on, feeling that I had perhaps been rude, I offered the man a +cigar by way of compensation. He accepted it as a mark of esteem and +burst forth into more conversation. By now a little fed up with trains +himself he suggested, for the sake of something new to say, that he +had met me before somewhere. At first I had some idea of asking for my +cigar to be returned, but instead I gave in to his persistence. More, +I joined in the conversation with an energy which surprised him. + +"Now I come to think of it we _have_ seen each other before; but +where?" I said. + +He thought promiscuously, disconnectedly and aloud. I could accept +none of his suggestions because all referred to commercial rooms in +provincial hotels, places to which I have not the _entrée_. "But I +know now," I declared brightly; "it was at a place just this side of +London that I saw you first." + +"First?" he asked. + +"Oh yes," said I. "I have seen you more than once. Surely you haven't +forgotten that time at Watford?" + +He felt that I had the advantage of him. "When was that?" he asked. + +"Not very long after the first time; and the next occasion I remember +seeing you was at a place called--called--something beginning with a +B." + +He was quite unable to cope with the situation. + +"And the next time," I continued, "I happened to be passing through +that town where the school is--you know, Rugby. I distinctly recollect +noticing then that you hadn't changed in the least since I last saw +you." + +He couldn't decide whether to be more flattered at my remembering or +more annoyed at his own forgetting. + +"Come, come," I exclaimed, "you surely cannot have forgotten that +little chat we had at Coventry?" + +"Coventry?" he asked. "But how long ago was that?" + +"Quite recently," I asserted. + +"But I haven't set foot in Coventry for years," said he. + +"Nor have I, ever," said I. + +I could understand his feelings thoroughly. It might be that I was a +liar; it might be that I was a lunatic. In either case he did not wish +to converse further with me. Happily, I had two newspapers available. + + * * * * * + +As the speed of our train, in which of old he had taken such a pride, +began to slacken: "And I shouldn't be surprised," I said from behind +my paper, "if you and I saw each other again quite soon. The world is +a small place and these things soon develop into a habit." + +He made no answer from behind his paper. + +"If you ask me when and where" (as in fact he didn't), "I should say +it is just as likely as not to happen at Birmingham at about 8.55 +P.M.," I estimated, relying upon his own schedule. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SAND CAMPAIGN. + +SCENE--_Algeria, on the border of the desert_. + + THE ARAB AND THE CHANCELLOR + WERE WALKING HAND-IN-HAND; + THE LATTER WEPT A LOT TO SEE + SUCH QUANTITIES OF SAND; + "WHY ARE YOU HOLDING UP," HE SAID, + "THIS VERY FERTILE LAND?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Harold_ (_who has just been kissed by his sister_). "I +SAY, I WONDER WHAT SHE'S UP TO?" + +_Friend_. "SIGN OF AFFECTION, ISN'T IT?" + +_Harold_. "_AFFECTION_, YOU GOAT! SHE NEVER DOES THAT TILL THE LAST +DAY OF THE HOLS, AND THERE'S A WEEK TO GO YET."] + + * * * * * + + "The play was preceded by 'The £12 Hook,' another Barrie + comedy of more recent date."--_Sydney Morning Herald_. + +We should prefer to call it "The £12 Eye." + + * * * * * + + "LABOUR IN SOUTH AFRICA. + BLACK OUTLOOK." + + _Morning Post_. + +Let us hear both sides. What is the White Outlook? + + * * * * * + + "The grievance of the men is in regard to the rate of pay. + They are paid 5½d. per hair."--_Glasgow News_. + +And then when they are old and bald they have to starve. + + * * * * * + + "TANGO RAPIDLY DYING. + DANCE UPHELD BY MR. MAX PEMBERTON." + _Daily Chronicle_. + +This is the sort of thing that the Revue King has to put up with. +Truly the lot of royalty is not an enviable one. + + * * * * * + +From an advertisement of Tango matinées in _The Lyceum_:-- + + "RESERVED TAUTENILS (4 first rows) 10/-- + TAUTENILS (tea included) 7/6 + TAUTENILS (tea not included) 6/--" + +_Gourmet_ (_planking down his seven-and-six_). "Tea and tautenils, +please." + + * * * * * + +Seen on a Liverpool hoarding:-- + + "Quo Vadis: Whither goest thou in eight reels?" + + _Answer_. "Anywhere in reason, but not home." + + * * * * * + +IN THE GARDEN OF ALLAH. + + Weary of the struggle and the squalors + Which beset the politician's life-- + Work that for a modicum of dollars + Brings a whole infinity of strife-- + Three of England's most illustrious cronies + Started on a winter holiday, + With no thought of MURRAY or Marconis-- + GEORGE and HENRY and the great TAY PAY. + + Never since ÆNEAS and his raiders + Stayed with DIDO in the days of yore + Did such irresistible invaders + Land upon the Carthaginian shore. + GEORGE, of course, the largest crowds attended, + But I'm told the kind Algerians say + That ÆNEAS wasn't half so splendid + Or so pious as the good TAY PAY. + + Noble sheikhs and black and bearded Bashas + Bowed, whene'er they met them, to the ground; + Festas and fantasias and tamashas + Followed in a never-ending round. + GEORGE no more on his detractors brooded; + HENRY simply sang the livelong day; + While unmixed benevolence exuded + From the loving heart of kind TAY PAY. + + Side by side they read the works of HICHENS; + Hand in hand they sampled the bazaars; + Ate the sweetmeats cooked in native kitchens; + Flew about in sumptuous motor-cars; + Golfed where once great HANNIBAL was scheming; + Joked where luckless DIDO once held sway; + For the finest jokes were always streaming + From the lips of comical TAY PAY. + + Other days they spent in caracoling, + Mounted each upon a mettled barb, + Or along the streets serenely strolling + Clad in semi-oriental garb; + HENRY with a cummerbund suburban; + GEORGE disguised to look like ENVER BEY; + While a kilt surmounted by a turban + Veiled the massive contours of TAY PAY. + + Daily they partook of ripe and juicy + Fruit, and Mocha coffee and kibobs; + Daily they conversed with EL SENOUSSI + And a lot of other native nobs; + HENRY practised Algerine fandangos; + GEORGE upon the tom-tom learned to play; + And a dervish taught ten Arab tangos + To the light fantastical TAY PAY. + + Whither will they wander next, I wonder? + Not, I hope and pray, within the reach + Of the tribes who live on loot and plunder, + Fanatics who practise what they preach. + Fancy if these horrible disturbers, + Swooping on our countrymen astray, + Touaregs and Bedouins and Berbers, + Carried off the succulent TAY PAY! + + Hardly had this agonizing presage + Taken shape within my tortured brain, + When good REUTER flashed the welcome message, + "Chancellor Returns," across the main. + Neptune, be thy waters calm, not choppy, + As they speed them on their homeward way, + GEORGE and HENRY and, bowed down with "copy," + Our unique arch-eulogist, TAY PAY. + + * * * * * + +THE MARRIED MAN'S ADVANTAGE. + +Personally I think too much respect is paid to age. There is nothing +clever in being old--nothing at all. On the other hand, youth has a +charm of its own. Besides, twenty-two is not young; you wouldn't +think me so if you really knew me. The doubt arises, I suppose, from +a certain innate light-heartedness. It is really rather pathetic. + +Daphne chooses to see humour in the situation, which is very absurd +of her, and, as I point out, merely reflects on herself. Surely she +doesn't wish to admit that it is foolish to love her. + +And that, to make a clean breast of it, is exactly what I do, and do +madly. + +I follow her about, reverently watching her every movement, hanging +on her every word--no light task. And my reward? A scant unceremonious +"Hallo!" when we meet; a scanter "Night" or "Morning," according to +the circumstances, when we part. A brave smile from me and she is +gone, an unwitting spectator of a real tragedy. + +Up to a few days ago I was content to bear with my lot, but last week +I rebelled. It was at a dance, after supper. Daphne had certainly +shown a sort of affection for me, motherly rather than otherwise, +I think; nevertheless an affection. But then, and not for the first +time, I had seen her flirting with another. + +I decided to lose my temper. I went into the smoke-room and +deliberated very close to the fire. In five minutes I left the room +heated. + +I found Daphne at once. + +"Our dance," I said. "We will sit out." + +My manner must have been rather terrifying. At any rate we sat out. + +"Daphne," I began, "I am in a mood that brooks no trifling. For weeks +I have loved you. You spurn me." + +"Oh, Billy, do be sensible," Daphne murmured. + +I moderated my tone. "Well, look here," I said, "why are you so cold +to me and yet flirt with my cousin? I saw you putting his tie straight +and patting his arm just now; and you won't let me even hold your +hand. It's pretty hard, Daphne." + +She laughed. "My dear Billy--" + +"Many thanks for yours of yesterday. I am having a very good time and +it is really kind of me to write." + +"If you won't be sensible--" + +"I am. It's just because I'm so serious that I jest. All the wittiest +men are broken-hearted. Go on." + +"Well, my dear Billy, you mustn't be foolish. I'm very fond of you, +but you're so ridiculously young." + +"You haven't a revolver about you?" I enquired. + +Daphne sighed. "Billy, you're quite hopeless. Do let me try to +explain. You see, I can't--well--flirt with you, because I don't +really flirt, of course, and besides your cousin's different--he's +married." + +I got up quickly. "Good-bye," I said. "You must excuse my leaving +you." + +Daphne looked surprised. "Where are you going?" she enquired. + +"To get married." I walked away with my head in the air. + + * * * * * + +A week later I wrote Daphne a letter. It ran as follows:-- + +"MY DEAR DAPHNE,--I am going to get married. Tina is nineteen, the +same as you, and is in the chorus of a musical comedy. She has real +jet black hair, so I am quite lucky. I hope you are fonder of me +already. + +Yours devotedly, BILLY." + +In reply, and by return of post, I received an invitation to tea at +Daphne's. Daphne, looking beautiful, was awaiting me. + +"How d'you do?" I said gravely. + +"Billy," Daphne began, "will you be really serious with me?" + +I immediately assumed a business manner and coughed. + +"Well?" I said. + +The word was sharp and incisive, a regular lawyer's question. + +"Of course, you're joking about this chorus girl?" + +"Joking! Daphne, you know I'd do anything for you." + +Daphne smiled. "But, Billy, I shan't like you any better if you marry +her." + +I bit a piece of cake coldly. "I don't understand you, Daphne," I +said. "When I ask you to show me a little affection, only just what +you show others, you tell me I'm young and married men are different. +I arrange to be different at considerable personal sacrifice, and you +tell me you won't like me any better." I swallowed convulsively. + +"But, Billy--dear--you're not actually engaged?" + +"I'm not so sure," I replied. "These girls are wonderfully sharp; and +then, of course, I'm so young." (A good touch.) + +There was a silence. + +"I shall hate you if you marry a chorus girl," said Daphne. + +"Then why did you tell me married men were different?" + +"Because most of them are." Daphne smiled slowly. "I think I might +like you better if you were married to some really nice girl." + +I laughed bitterly. "To you, for instance?" + +"Yes, to me," said Daphne very sweetly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN VIEW OF THE EXAGGERATED AND MISLEADING REPORTS OF +WHAT OCCURS AT THE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN MR. ASQUITH AND MR. BONAR LAW +ON THE ULSTER QUESTION WE VENTURE TO THINK THAT A LITTLE MAKE-UP AND +CAREFUL CHOICE OF RENDEZVOUS WOULD ENABLE THE LEADERS TO HAVE MANY A +LONG CHAT ON THE SUBJECT WITHOUT ANYONE BEING AWARE OF THEIR HAVING +MET.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPREAD OF THE SERVANT-GIRL GRADUATE IDEA. + +(_Interior of a super-kitchen._) + +_Mistress_. "WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING YOUR SOPHOCLES FOR A MOMENT, MARY, +AND RUNNING TO THE POST?"] + + * * * * * + +TO OBEY OR NOT TO OBEY. + +_8th December, 1913._ + +Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook request the pleasure of Mr. Hugh Melbrook's +company at the marriage of their daughter Muriel Irene with Mr. +Adolphus Smith, at St. Peter's, Hashton, on Wednesday, December 31st, +1913, at 1.30 o'clock, and afterwards at _Westlands, Hashton_. + +R.S.V.P. + + +_9th December, 1913._ + +Mr. Hugh Melbrook thanks Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook for the opportunity of +being present at the wedding of their daughter Muriel Irene, but much +regrets that, owing to great pressure of work, he cannot be there. +He desires that Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook should not feel constrained to +alter their present arrangements on that account. + + +_26th December, 1913._ + +MESSRS. HALL, MARK & Co., Silversmiths. + +SIRS,--Kindly despatch at once to the address given below a seasonable +wedding gift, costing no more than the amount of the enclosed postal +order. I send my card for inclusion. Whatever change there may be +please return it to me, and oblige + +Yours faithfully, + +H. MELBROOK. + + +_27th December, 1913._ + +H. MELBROOK, ESQ. + +DEAR SIR,--We are in receipt of your esteemed favour of yesterday's +date and beg to advise you that we have this day forwarded to +the address you gave a handsome cut-glass anchovy dish with a +finely-chased silver lid and tray. We enclose the receipted bill for +the dish, which stands in our list at exactly the amount remitted by +you. + +We are, dear Sir, + +Yours faithfully, + +HALL, MARK & Co. + + +_29th December, 1913._ + +MY DEAR HUGH.--Thank you _very, very_ much for the sweet little +butterdish. It's ripping. Do try to get down, Hugh, there's a good +boy! If you can find time to choose me such a nice present--I know +what you are, it must have taken you hours--surely you could take the +day off for once. Say yes. + +In tremendous haste, and thanking you again and again, + +Your affectionate cousin, + +MURIEL. + +P.S.--I've just heard that Mr. Parsley, who is to marry us, is very +strict about _obedient_ weddings, and I promised Geraldine I wouldn't +"obey" if she didn't. Now it's my turn. Tell me something to do. + + +_30th December, 1913._ + +MY GOOD MURIEL,--That's a caviare dish! Caviare dishes, I understood, +were all the rage just now, and here am I slaving away to be in the +fashion, and you calmly write back and say, "Thank you very much for +the butt--" My good Muriel! + +I really wanted to send you something quite different, something +equally novel but more seasonable; no less, in fact, than a +nose-muff or nose-warmer. It is a little idea of my own, the Melbrook +"Rhinotherm." Briefly, the mechanism consists of pieces of heated +charcoal, potato or what-not, encased in some non-conducting material, +the whole being then unostentatiously affixed to the frigid end of the +nose. Stupidly, I forgot to take a plaster cast of your nose. You'll +forgive me, won't you? + +And now about coming down on the happy day. I feel very hurt about it. +You know perfectly well that I wanted you to be married on a Saturday, +but you wouldn't. It isn't as though you get married every day, and +I do think you might have considered me a little more. But, even if +I did come, even if by working all night Monday and Tuesday I could +scrape together a few hours of freedom, I know what it would be. I +should never be allowed in the vestry afterwards, while all the fun +was going on. And yet you have the effrontery to sit there and ask my +help in evading your, responsibilities as a married woman. Still, if +you promise to breathe not a word of this to any woman I may marry +hereafter, here's a dead snip for you. Listen! When you come to the +words "to love, cherish and to obey," you simply drop the second "to" +(nobody will miss it) and run the "d" of the "and" into the "obey," +and lo! we have a French word, to wit, _dauber_, meaning to cuff, +drub or belabour. What say you to that, my bonny bride? I think that +deserves an extra large slice of cake, to put under my pillow. And I +say, Muriel, I do hope there won't be any of those rotten cassowary +seeds in it. If there are, for pity's sake rake them out and give them +to someone who likes them. And I'll have his share of the marzipan. + +Your affectionate cousin, + +HUGH. + + +NEWSPAPER EXCERPT. + +... During the service an amusing incident occurred. It was noticed +that the, bride, who is rumoured to have feminist leanings, betrayed +some difficulty in pronouncing the vow of obedience. The Rev. Thos. +Parsley considerately paused and helped her to repeat the words +after him in a clear and audible manner. In an interview with +our representative, Mr. Parsley smilingly explained that he was +determined, in his parish at any rate, to discourage any possible +evasion of the matrimonial vows. He considered that a great deal of +post-nuptial unhappiness was attributable to the lamentable laxity +of the clergy in joining young people in matrimony without requiring +their future relations to be clearly defined at the outset. The young +bride refused to make any comment, but seemed highly amused at the +incident.... + +"_Hashton Weekly Hash._" + + * * * * * + + "A gem ring lost last summer by Franz Schroder while + travelling in a steamer on the Danube, near Prague, was found + inside a carp caught at Mayence by his nephew."--_Manchester + Evening News_. + +The fact that Mayence is not on the Danube need not bother you. Only +last week our uncle lost a white elephant while travelling in a barge +on the Regent's Park Canal, near Maida Vale, and it was found inside +the hat-box of the Editor of _The Manchester Evening News_ by FRANZ +SCHRODER. Bless you, these things are always happening. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irate Cottager._ "Hi! YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY 'EDGE!" + +_Mild Sportsman._ "OH, NO; YOUR HEDGE IS BREAKING MY FALL, AND IF YOU +WILL KINDLY PUSH ME BACK AGAIN I SHALL TRY TO REJOIN MY HORSE."] + + * * * * * + +THE COWARD. + +It is impossible to describe to you exactly how Herbert looked. But +shame, defiance and unconcern were the principal ingredients in his +expression as he stood on the kerb and stared across the road. + +He started guiltily as I approached. + +"Hallo, Herbert!" I began with my customary _bonhomie_. + +"Hallo!" he said dismally. + +"What are you doing here?" I asked sternly. + +"Nothing," said Herbert. "Have you ever noticed what a fine building +that post-office is?" + +"No," I said; "neither have you. Herbert, you are concealing something +from me. What have I done to deserve it? Have I not enjoyed your +confidence these many years, and have you ever known me betray it? Is +it marriage that has changed you thus? Is it--" + +"Shut up," said Herbert. "I'll tell you, if you stop talking." + +I stopped talking. + +"It's this way. My wife and I have had a little discussion. And I +stated my belief that there was nothing in an ordinary way that a +woman could do that a man couldn't. Whereupon she defied me to go out +and--er--buy a bloater. As you see, I have gone out, and--er--" + +"Yes," I said, "you have gone out. Splendid of you! And all that +remains to be done is to buy a bloater. Why not? Yonder, if I mistake +not, is the shop of a bloaterer." + +"But a bloater!" said Herbert. "It isn't fair. If she'd said some +salmon, or a lobster, or even a pound of sausages; or if she'd allowed +me to 'phone for it. It's not as if I'd ever had any practice. It's +not decent to start a beginner on a hand-bought bloater." + +"Tush!" I said. "This is not manly. Remember, our sex is at stake. +Come!" + +I took him by the arm. He advanced under protest. + +Four paces from the shop he stopped abruptly and laughed--a horrible +laugh. + +"Do you know," he said, "I do believe I've come out without a cent on +me." + +"_I_ don't believe it for a moment," I said, "but as it happens I can +lend you pounds and pounds--almost enough for two bloaters." + +Herbert reluctantly found some money in one of the seven pockets he +had not felt in. Then we advanced once more. + +This time there was no going back. Right into the body of the +fishmonger's we strode and stood firmly opposite the salesman. + +"_Now_," I whispered tensely. + +But Herbert hesitated, and even as he wobbled the salesman began his +suggestions. + +"Yes, Sir? Lobsters or prawns, Sir? Some very good salmon this +morning--very fine fish indeed, Sir." + +"Er, as a matter of fact," said Herbert, "we just wanted to know if +you would be so kind as to direct us to the nearest post-office?--the +one just across the road, you know," he added nervously. + +"Herbert," I said in his private ear, "be a man." + +Herbert pulled himself together. "Would you," he said to the salesman, +"would you please let me look at some b-b-blobsters?" + + * * * * * + +A BAD DREAM. + +_Sunday_.--Great news! The plan suggested by the Anglo-German Alliance +Committee is at last to be carried out. There is to be an exchange of +garrisons, that is to say, certain English towns are to be garrisoned +by German regiments, while certain German towns are to have +English garrisons. Our own town, though a small one, is to have +the distinguished honour of being the first to give this mark of +friendship to the world. All the arrangements have been made, and +to-morrow the 901st Prussian regiment of infantry is to march in. +It will be a great day for Dartlebury, and we shall all do our best, +though the public notice has been short, to give our gallant visitors +a warm and truly British reception. + +_Monday_.--Our German friends have arrived. At 11 o'clock this morning +it was announced that they were approaching, headed by their band. The +Mayor, Alderman Farthingale, and the whole Corporation, including the +three Labour members recently elected, immediately proceeded to the +old city wall to meet them. They were accompanied by the municipal +band in full uniform, playing "_Die Wacht am Rhein_," which they had +been assiduously practising. Unfortunately this led to what might have +been a somewhat painful contretemps. On meeting the municipal band the +Prussian commander, Colonel von Brausebrum, halted his soldiers and in +a loud voice declared that our men were playing out of tune. Perhaps +this was true, but the offence was involuntary and in any case it +was hardly serious enough to call for the arrest of the whole band. +Arrested, however, they were, and it was a melancholy sight to see +them marched off by a corporal's guard. Mr. Zundnadel, the chief of +the band, is himself of German origin, and his feelings can be better +imagined than described. The Mayor saved the situation by making an +extremely cordial speech, in which he spoke of the English and the +Germans as ancient brothers-in-arms. The Colonel in his reply said his +mission was a glorious one, and everything would depend on the way +we conducted ourselves. What can he have meant? The march was then +resumed, but another halt was made in the High Street to remove the +French flag which Mucklow, the linen-draper, had very tactlessly stuck +up over his shop. He too was arrested, with wife and family, and was +lodged in jail. Luckily no further incident disturbed the harmony of +the proceedings. + +_Tuesday_.--This morning Lieutenant von Schornstein, while walking in +Brewer's Alley, trod on a piece of banana-skin and fell heavily on +the pavement. As he rose he observed that two small boys were, so he +alleged, laughing at him. He immediately ran after the two urchins, +and was proceeding to put them to the sword when the Brewery men +interfered and disarmed him. He pleaded that his uniform had been +insulted and that it was necessary for him to punish them. "_Ich +muss sie durch den Leib rennen_" were his words. The men, however, +were not inclined to admit the force of this plea, especially as +they understood no German, and they sent him back to barracks in a +taxi-cab. The Mayor at once wired his apologies to the Colonel, and it +is hoped that nothing further will be heard of the incident. I ought +to add that the boys deny that they laughed, but the lieutenant is +certain that they wore a smiling expression. + +The "Friendship Banquet" was held this evening in the Town Hall, +with the Mayor in the chair. No very great enthusiasm was shown, and +when the Mayor, in proposing the health of our visitors, alluded to +the friendly rivalry of the two nations in commerce and the arts of +peace, the Colonel pulled him back into his seat and begged him not +to proceed. "_Maul halten_," he said. The three Labour members of the +Council were afterwards arrested for not having joined with sufficient +heartiness in the singing of "_Deutschland über Alles_." + +_Wednesday_.--A state of siege has been declared in Dartlebury, and +we are all living under martial law. Lord Gruffen was arrested for +having knocked up against a soldier. The magistrates, on leaving the +police-court, were handcuffed and removed to barracks. A crisis is +evidently approaching. + +_Thursday_.--An insurrection started this morning. A huge crowd +attacked the barracks and overpowered all resistance. Blood flowed +like water, but in an hour all was over. There is a strong feeling +that the experiment of the Alliance Committee was a rash one, though +no doubt it was well meant. We live and learn. + + * * * * * + +LOOP! LOOP!! + +(_A STORY OF AERIAL PROWESS IN THE PROVINCES._) + + They said, "He goes a-tumbling through the hollow + And trackless empyrean like a clown, + Head pointed to the earth where weaklings wallow, + Feet up toward the stars; not such renown + Even our lord himself, the bright Apollo, + Gets in his gilded car. For one bob down + You shall behold the thing." "Right-o," I said, + Clapping the old brown bay leaves on my head. + + So to the hangars. Time, about eleven, + The air full chill, the ground a mess of muck, + And long time gazed I on the wintry heaven + And thought of many a deed of Saxon pluck; + How DRAKE, for instance, good old DRAKE of Devon, + Played bowls at Plymouth Hoe. Twelve-thirty struck. + No one had vaulted through the air's abyss; + DRAKE would have plunged tail up an hour ere this. + + Brief interval for lunch, and then a drizzle + Fell on the dreary field. Like some dead moth + The thing remained. Chagrin commenced to sizzle, + And certain people cried, "A thillingth loth." + Others, "Hey, Mister Airman, it's a swizzle!" + Then a stern man came out, and with a cloth + Lightly, as one well used to such a feat, + Swaddled the brute's propeller and its seat. + + The skies grew darkling, and there went a rumour, + "The thing is off; he will not fly to-day;" + And forth we wandered, some in rare ill-humour, + But not, oh, not the bard. Yet this I say-- + There are two kinds of courage: one's a boomer + Avid of gold and glory; this is A, + Crowned with a palm, and in her hands I see + Sheaves of press cuttings. There is also B. + + Not venturesome, this last, to brave the billows, + To beard the panther in his hidden lair, + To probe the epiderms of armadillos, + Nor execute wild cart-wheels in the air; + But who shall say how much Britannia still owes + To B, the kind of courage that can bear + Dauntless to wait, whate'er the skies portend, + (Having paid entrance) to the bitter end? + + The heavenly hero in his suit of leather + Soars through Olympus with the world beneath + Sometimes, and sometimes, owing to the weather, + Scratches his fixtures in the tempest's teeth. + Shall the high gods, who gaze on both together, + Count him the nobler, or confer their wreath + On the brave bull-dog bard, who risks his thews + Standing about all day in thin-soled shoes? + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERE'S ONE I'M SURE YOU'LL LIKE, TREVOR." + +"WHAT IS IT?" + +"_ROBINSON CRUSOE_." + +"IN WHAT LANGUAGE?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Just as one may say of certain novelists that they write at the top +of their voices, so, I think, one might describe Miss VIOLA MEYNELL +as writing in a whisper. This certainly is the effect that _Modern +Lovers_ (SECKER) produced upon me. The gentle method of it invested +the story--which of itself is a very slight thing--with an odd +significance almost impossible to communicate in criticism; but the +reading of a few pages will show you what I mean. The title is apt +enough, for the tale is about nothing but love, as it affects a group +of five young people, three men and two girls. Of the girls, who are +sisters, _Effie Rutherglen_ is the more important and detailed figure. +_Effie_, in the time before the story opens, had an affair with +_Oliver Bligh_; then, summoned North to live with her futile and +uncomprehending parents, she fell (as did her sister _Milly_ and most +of the local spinsters) under the fascination of one _Clive Maxwell_, +who was an author and had appealing eyes and obviously a way with him. +Then _Oliver_ turned up again, and poor _Effie_ didn't know which of +them she wanted. I speak lightly, but, if you think all this made +for comedy, your conception of Miss MEYNELL's methods is very much +at fault. Love to her is very much what it was to _Patience_ in the +opera--by no means a wholly enviable boon. I can hardly praise too +much the exquisite refinement and restraint of her treatment of +commonplace things. But one small point baffled me: _Oliver_ appears +to have been a professional diver and bath-keeper--we are told, +indeed, that he had occupied that position at Rugby (a statement +that I have private and personal reasons for discrediting)--yet we +find him staying as a welcome and honoured guest in the house of the +_Rutherglens_, whom I take to be more or less "county." Surely this, +though of no real importance, is at least remarkable? + + * * * * * + +"What," I asked myself, "is just the matter with this apparently quite +nice book?" (It was _Joan's Green Year_, and written by E.L. DOON and +published by MACMILLAN.) It is the kind of book that grows out of a +romantic disposition and an assiduously stuffed commonplace book. It +consists of letters from _Joan_, a paying guest in the Manor House +Farm at Pelton, to her brother _Keith_, a soldier in India, telling +him all about her year of holiday and "soul discipline" in the +country, the village gossip, her proposals and her one acceptance, and +giving a sort of farmer's calendar of the seasons as interpreted by +the guileless amateur. _Joan_ has what is known as a nice mind. But +to tell truth she has chosen a difficult and dangerous if alluring art +form. Of course letters enable you to evade some of the difficulties +of the novelist's task, to be discursive, allusive and incomplete. But +you can't be let off anything of the precision and subtlety of your +characterisation. On the contrary. And _Joan_ makes everyone in Pelton +(except the rustics, whose authenticity I gravely suspect) talk +as _Joan_ writes. They have nearly all seen her commonplace book, +I judge. Then, again, you must not have (like _Joan_) a large list +of acquaintances, or you breed confusion and dissipate interest +accordingly. _Joan_ is very young in many ways. She is extravagant in +the matter of the equipment of her heroes. _Bob Ingleby_, the farmer +(a gentleman, because he had been at Winchester), is a "great comely +giant," yet wins events one and three of the Hunt Steeplechase, though +thrown badly in number two. I have a suspicion that this work is +really _Joan's_ tee shot, and that after a notable recovery, which on +the best of her present form I can safely prophesy, she will reach her +green year next time. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. T.P. O'CONNOR has written a fascinating book. _My Beloved South_ +she calls it, and PUTNAMS publish it. There is not a lifeless page +in the 427 that make up a bountiful feast. Every one contains vivid +reproductions of incidents in social life in the South "befo' de +wa'" and after. At the outset we make the acquaintance of a typical +Southron, Mrs. O'CONNOR's grandfather, Governor of Florida when it +was still a Territory, with native Indians fighting fiercely for their +land and homes. Mrs. O'CONNOR was, of course, not to the fore in those +early days. But so steeped is she in lore of the South, much of it +gained from the lips of nurses and out-door servants, so keen is her +sympathy, so quick and true her instinct that she is able to revivify +the old scenes and reproduce the atmosphere of the time. The darkey +nurse of earliest childhood lives again, sometimes bringing with +her plantation songs like "Voodoo-Bogey-Boo," quaintly musical. Many +passages of the grandfather's conversations are preserved, in which we +may detect the voice of the gifted granddaughter. But the influence of +heredity is strong, more especially "down South." Also there are many +charming stories redolent of the South. I was about to mention the +page on which will be found the thrilling history of a mule aptly +named "Satan." On reflection I won't spoil the reader's pleasure in +unexpectedly coming upon it somewhere about the middle of the book. +Nobody--man or woman, girl or boy--who begins to read _My Beloved +South_ will skip a page. So the story cannot be overlooked. + + * * * * * + +In _Lost Diaries_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. MAURICE BARING travels by an easy +road to humour, and he does not pound it with too laborious feet. This +is perhaps a fortunate thing, for a farcical reconstruction of history +in the light of modern sentiment and circumstances might easily tire; +a Comic History of England, for instance, is stiffer reading to-day +than GARDNER or GREEN. Sometimes, however, Mr. BARING seems to carry +to extreme lengths his conscientious avoidance of efforts to be funny; +and in the imaginary records of one or two of his subjects there is +little more to laugh at than the unaided fancy of the student has long +ago perceived. _Tristram_ loved two _Iseults_, and JOHN MILTON was +an exasperating husband; but these things I knew, and the author of +_Lost Diaries_ has made no more capital out of the situations than +the eternal merriment which the bare statement of the facts inspires. +But where Mr. BARING, pleasantly disdainful alike of consistency +and taste, examines the pocket-book of the "Man in the Iron Mask," +and finds him complaining of the noise and disturbance in dungeon +after dungeon until he is removed at last to the lotus island of the +Bastille; or records the blameless botanical pursuits of TIBERIUS in +seclusion; or the first consumption of the Colla di Gallo by COLUMBUS +in the newly discovered West, he is, for all the simplicity of his +methods, amusing enough. Yet even so I am inclined to think that the +first of his essays, which reads like an actual transcript from the +jottings of a nineteenth-century private-school boy, is the diary +which I most heartily congratulate Mr. BARING on having rediscovered, +and which I should be least willing for him to lose again. + + * * * * * + +With the Land Question staring us in the face, _Folk of the Furrow_ +(SMITH ELDER) should attract the attention of those who wish +thoroughly to understand what the agricultural labourer wants and +why he wants it. Mr. CHRISTOPHER HOLDENBY is no amateur, for as Mr. +STEPHEN REYNOLDS has lived with fishermen and shared their daily lives +so he has lodged in labourers' cottages and hoed and dug with the +best (and worst) of them. The result is a book that is stamped with +the hall-mark of a great sincerity; and three facts at least can be +gathered from it by the very dullest of gleaners. First, and I think +foremost, that the decencies of life cannot be observed if children +of very various ages are to be crowded into cottages too small to hold +them; secondly, that it is useless to expect morality from youths who +have few or no amusements provided for them; thirdly, that the passing +of the old families and the advent of the week-end "merchant princes" +do not make a change for the better. All which may be stale news, but +after reading this book I think that you will admit that Mr. HOLDENBY +has contrived to make an old tale very impressive. In some instances +it is true that I could bring evidence directly in opposition to his, +but on the whole he deserves well for the way in which he has won the +confidence of a class naturally suspicious and silent, and for his +manner of stating his case. Had I for my sins to cram our M.P.'s for +the debates that lie before them, I should feed them liberally upon +_Folk of the Furrow_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUS REFEREE ORDERING HIMSELF OFF THE GROUND +FOR BEING HASTY TO AN IMPERTINENT PLAYER.] + + * * * * * + +TO MR. CHAMBERLAIN + +ON HIS RETIREMENT FROM PUBLIC LIFE. + + Not yet the end; only the end of strife. + But now--while still the brave unwearied heart, + Fixed upon England, fain to keep its part + In her Imperial life, + + Beats with the old unconquerable pride-- + Now leave to younger limbs the dust and palm, + And let the weary body seek the calm + That comes with eventide. + + There take your rest within the sunset glow, + All feuds forgotten of your fighting days, + Circled with love and laurelled with the praise + Of friend and ancient foe. + + O.S. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 14, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12536 *** |