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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12536-0.txt b/12536-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ace020 --- /dev/null +++ b/12536-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2058 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12536 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +January 14, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +We hear that the CHANCELLOR has, while in North Africa, been making a +close study of camels, with a view to ascertaining the nature of the +last straw which breaks their backs. + + *** + +It is denied that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in order to give a practical +demonstration of his belief in the disarmament idea, has given +instructions that all precautions against attacks on him by +Suffragettes are to be discontinued. + + *** + +The Balkan situation is considered to have undergone a change for +the worse owing to the purchase by Turkey of the Dreadnought _Rio de +Janeiro_. For ourselves we cannot subscribe to this view. Is it likely +that the Turks, after paying over £2,000,000 for her, will risk losing +this valuable vessel in war? + + *** + +On the day of the marriage of the Teuton Coal-King's daughter to Lord +REDESDALE's son last week there was snow on the ground. The Coal-King +must have shown up very well against it. + + *** + +Sir REGINALD BRADE is to be the new permanent secretary at the War +Office. Let's hope he has no connection with the firm of Gold Brade +and Red Tape. + + *** + +It has been discovered that members of a certain Eskimo tribe have +an extra joint in their waists. The news has caused the greatest +excitement among cannibal tribes all over the world, and it is +expected that there will be a huge demand for these people. Where +there are big families to feed the extra joint will be invaluable. + + *** + +"OUR RESOLUTION IS TO GO FORWARD IN THE NEW YEAR." advertises the +London General Omnibus Co. A capital idea, this. Vehicles which simply +go backwards are never so satisfactory. + + *** + +After one-hundred-and-fifty-years' careful consideration the War +Office has given permission to the Black Watch and the King's +Royal Rifle Corps to bear on their regimental colours the honorary +distinction "North America, 1763-64," in recognition of services +rendered during the war against the Red Indians. + + *** + +Not sixty people visited "La Gioconda" on one of the days after +her return to Paris, when a charge of four shillings was made for +admission, and, towards the end of the day, the smile is said to have +worn a rather forced look. + + *** + +"Who are the best selling modern authors?" asks a contemporary. We +do not like to mention names, but, as readers, we have been sold by +several popular writers lately. + + *** + +We are not surprised that many persons are becoming rather disgusted +with our little amateurish attempts at Winter. Thousands now go to +Switzerland, and Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON is going even further afield. +Meanwhile the Government does nothing to stem this emigration. + + *** + +The boxing craze among the French continues. M. VEDRINES, the intrepid +aviator, has taken it up and been practising on M. Roux's ears. + + *** + +The German CROWN PRINCE has become a member of the Danzig Cabinet +Makers' Union. Later on he hopes to become a Chancellor-maker. + + *** + +Another impending apology? Headlines from _The Daily Chronicle_:-- + + "PNEUMONIA ON THE RAND. + DISCOVERY OF ITS CAUSE. + SIR ALMROTH WRIGHT'S + VACCINE TREATMENT." + + *** + +Could frugality go further? At the golden wedding celebrations of a +Southend couple, a packet of wedding cake was eaten which had been put +away on their marriage day in 1863. + + *** + +A soap combine, with a nominal capital of £35,000,000, is said to have +been formed to exploit China; and the Mongols may yet cease to be a +yellow race. + + *** + +The latest tall story from America is to the effect that some burglars +who broke into the Presbyterian church at Syracuse, New York, stole a +parcel of sermons. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PANTOMIME FAUNA. + +_Extract from the note-book of the dramatic critic of "the Wampton +Clarion_":-- + +Mr. Clarence Fink delighted the Audience with his truly life like +representation of [Crossed-out: a wolf bear lion cat monkey] an animal +of the furry tribe.] + + * * * * * + +YOUNG MOTHER'S SWAN-SONG. + + ["It was better for a young mother to start her new + chapter unhampered: the less she knew the better it was for + her."--_Mrs. Annie Swan_.] + + How do you take a baby up? + What does it like to eat? + Do you put rusks in a feeding cup? + Have you to mince its meat? + Haven't I heard them speak of pap? + Isn't there caudle too? + How do you keep the thing on your lap? + Why are its eyes askew? + Is it a touch of original sin + Causes an infant to squall, + Or trust misplaced in a safety-pin + Lost in the depths of a shawl? + When do you "shorten" a growing child + (_Is_ it so much too long)? + Should legs be lopped or the scalp be filed? + Both in a sense seem wrong. + "Kitchy," I think I have heard them say; + What shall I make it kitch? + "Bo" I believe in a mystic way + Frightens or soothes, but which? + Didn't I see one once reversed, + Patted about the spine? + Is it the way they should all be nursed? + Will it agree with mine? + Surely its gums are strangely bare? + Why does it dribble so? + Will reason dawn in that glassy stare + If I dandle it briskly? OH!!! + Grandmothers! Mothers! or Instinct, you! + Haste with your secret lore! + What, oh what shall I, what shall I do? + Baby has crashed to the floor! + + * * * * * + + "They adjourned to the Village Hell, where each child was + presented with a parcel of suitable clothing."--_Tonbridge + Free Press_. + +Asbestos, no doubt. + + * * * * * + +A PRANCING PRUSSIAN. + + (_Showing how Colonel VON REUTER, late of Zabern, appealed to + his regiment to defend the honour of the Army. The following + speech is based upon evidence given at the Strassburg trial._) + + My Prussian braves, on whom devolves the mission + To vindicate our gallant Army's worth, + Upholding in its present proud position + The noblest fighting instrument on earth-- + If, in your progress, any vile civilian + Declines the homage of the lifted hat, + Your business is to paint his chest vermilion-- + Kindly attend to that. + + Never leave barracks, when you go a-shopping, + Without an escort loaded up with lead; + Always maintain a desultory popping + At anyone who wags a wanton head; + If, as he passes, some low boy should whistle + With nose in air and shameless chin out-thrust, + Making your scandalised moustaches bristle-- + Reduce the dog to dust. + + I hear a sinister and shocking rumour + Touching the native tendency to chaff. + If you should meet with specimens of humour + See that our soldiers get the final laugh; + Fling the facetious corpses in the fountains + So as the red blood overflows the brink; + Keep on until the blue Alsatian mountains + Turn a reflective pink. + + Should any female whom your shadow touches + Grudge you the glad, but deferential, eye; + Should any cripple fail to hold his crutches + At the salute as you go marching by; + Draw, in the KAISER's name--'tis rank high treason; + Stun them with sabre-strokes upon the poll; + Then dump them (giving no pedantic reason) + Down cellars with the coal. + + Be on your guard against all people strolling + In ones or twos about the public square + Hard by your quarters; set your men patrolling; + Ask every knave what he is doing there; + And, if in your good wisdom you determine + To view their conduct in a dangerous light, + Bring the machine-guns out and blow the vermin + Into the _Ewigkeit_. + + Enough! I leave our honour in your keeping. + What are your bright swords for except to slay? + Preserve their lustre; let me see them leaping + Out of their scabbards twenty times a day; + Unless we smash these craven churls like crockery + To prove our right of place within the sun, + Our martial prestige has become a mockery + And Deutschland's day is done! + + O.S. + + * * * * * + + "The dancing, in the conventional bullet style, of Miss Sybil + Roe, was quite good."--_Wiltshire Times_. + +We confess that the bullet style is too fast for us. + + * * * * * + + "In all the best dress ateliers classic evening gowns are now + being exhibited, and in many of these the lines of the corsage + closely resemble the draperies to be seen on the Venus de + Milo."--_Daily Mail_. + +We must go and look at the Venus de Milo's corsage again. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW JOURNAL-INSURANCE. + + [Several newspapers have been roused to a sense of their + duties to their readers by the insurance competition between + _The Chronicle_ and _The Mail_. We make a few preliminary + announcements of other insurance schemes which are not yet + contemplated.] + +_VOTES FOR WOMEN_.--A copy of the current issue nailed to your front +door insures you absolutely against arson. + +_THE STAR_.--All regular subscribers to _The Star_ are insured with +the proprietors of _The Daily News_ for £1,000 in the event of being +welshed on any race-course. + +_THE NATIONAL REVIEW_.--Annual subscribers to _The National Review_ +are guaranteed £10,000 in the event of being (a) robbed on the highway +by a member of the present Ministry; (b) defrauded by a member of the +present Ministry; (c) having house burgled by member of the present +Ministry; (d) having pocket picked by member of present Ministry; +always excluding any act or acts done by the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER in a strictly official capacity. + +_THE CHURCH TIMES_.--All regular subscribers are insured for £500 +against excommunication. £1,000 will be paid to the heirs or assigns +of any reader who loses his head in a conflict with a Bishop (Deans, +Rural Deans, Canons and Archdeacons being excepted from the benefit of +this clause in the policy). + +_THE ENGLISH REVIEW_.--Poetic contributors are insured for £500 in the +event of a prosecution under the Blasphemy Laws. + +_THE DAILY EXPRESS_.--You can sleep soundly in your bed, you can sleep +soundly in your train, if the current issue of _The Daily Express_ +be on your person. All purchasers are insured for £10,000 against any +conflagrations or explosions caused by bombs or combustibles dropped +from German airships. + +_THE BRITISH WEEKLY_.--All readers of _The British Weekly_ are insured +for £1,000 in the event of heart-failure caused by shock while reading +the thrilling stories provided by SILAS, JOSEPH, TIMOTHY and JEREMIAH +HOCKING. + +_THE RECORD_.--£500 will be paid to any annual subscriber forcibly +detained in a convent, provided that at the time of such detention a +copy of the current issue of _The Record_ be in his possession. £1,000 +will be paid to the legal representatives of any reader burnt at the +stake. + +_THE CRICCIETH CHRONICLE_.--£3 a week for life, together with a +poultry farm on a Sutherland deer-forest, to the owner of any shorn +lamb which is found dead in a snow-drift with a copy of the current +issue wrapt round it, to keep it warm. + + * * * * * + +The great world rolls on, but of the master-brains which direct its +movement the man in the street knows nothing. He has never heard +of the Clerk of the Portland Urban District Council; he is entirely +ignorant of Army Order 701. + + "Dear Sir" (writes the Clerk)--"A meeting of the Underhill + Members of the Council will be held to-morrow (Saturday), at 3 + o'clock p.m., in Spring Gardens (Fortuneswell) for the purpose + of selecting a site for the Telegraph Post." + + "With effect from 1st January, 1914" (says the Army Order) + "rewigging of gun sponges will be done by the Ordnance + Department instead of locally as at present." + + * * * * * + + "Inman was seen to greater advantage at yesterday afternoon's + session in this match of 18,000 up, in Edinburgh, than on + any previous day of the match, scoring 1,083 while Aiken was + aggregating the mentally afflicted."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + +One must amuse oneself somehow while the other man is at the table. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SEA-CHANGE. + +TORY CHORUS (_to WINSTON_). "YOU'VE MADE ME LOVE YOU; I DIDN'T WANT TO +DO IT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amiable Uncle_ (_doing some conjuring to amuse the +children_). "SEE, HERE I HAVE A BILLIARD BALL--I AM GOING TO TURN IT +INTO SOMETHING ELSE." + +_First Bored Youngster_ (_to second ditto_). "WHY SHOULD HE? IT'S A +VERY NICE BALL."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO TELL AN EDITOR. + +In view of _The Daily Mail's_ praiseworthy efforts to instruct +applicants for situations in the correct phrasing of letters to +prospective employers, we propose to supply a similar long-felt want, +and give a little advice as to the kind of letter it is desirable to +enclose with contributions to periodicals. + +Begin your letter in a friendly vein, hoping the Editor and his people +are pretty well. Remember also that Editors like to know something +of the characters and histories of their contributors. So let your +communication include a _résumé_ of your personal and literary career. +Don't fall into the error of making your letter too concise. + +The following suggestions may serve to indicate some of the lines of +thought that you might follow:-- + +(1) State where you sent your first manuscript. + +(2) What you thought of it, and of the Editor who returned it. + +(3) Your height and chest measurement (an Editor likes to be on the +safe side). + +(4) State who persuaded you to take up literature, and give height and +chest measurement of same. + +(5) Give a short but optimistic description of your contribution, not +to exceed in length the contribution itself. + +(6) State whether literary genius is rife in your family or has been +rife at any time since 1066. + +(7) Give a list of journals to which you have already sent the +enclosed contribution, and state your reasons for supposing that the +Editors were misguided. Hint that perhaps, after all, their lack of +enterprise was fortunate for the present recipient. + +(8) Mention your hobbies and the different appointments you have held +since the age of twelve, with names and addresses of employers. Also +give your reasons for remaining as long as you did in each situation. + +(9) State how long you have been a subscriber to the journal you are +electing to honour, and whether you think it's worth the money. Point +out any little improvements you consider desirable in its compilation, +and mention other periodicals as perfect examples. Preface these +remarks with some such phrase as this: "Pray don't think I want to +teach you your business, but--" + +(10) Give full list (names and addresses) of friends who have promised +to buy the paper if your contribution appears. + +(11) Give a brief outline, in faultless English, of your religious, +political and police court convictions, your views on Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE, and any ideas you may have about the Law of Copyright. + +Finally, enclose a stamped and addressed envelope for the return of +your article. + + * * * * * + + "It has always been supposed that Charles I. when Prince of + Wales and travelling incognito with the Duke of Buckingham saw + and fell in love with Marie Antoinette." + +Not by us. We always supposed he fell in love with SARAH BERNHARDT. + + * * * * * + +THE SAME OLD STORY. + +We stood in a circle round the parrot's cage and gazed with interest +at its occupant. She (Evangeline) was balancing easily on one leg, +while with the other leg and her beak she tried to peel a monkey-nut. +There are some of us who hate to be watched at meals, particularly +when dealing with the dessert, but Evangeline is not of our number. + +"There," said Mrs. Atherley, "isn't she a beauty?" + +I felt that, as the last to be introduced, I ought to say something. + +"What do you say to a parrot?" I whispered to Miss Atherley. + +"Have a banana," suggested Archie. + +"I believe you say, 'Scratch-a-poll,'" said Miss Atherley, "but I +don't know why." + +"Isn't that rather dangerous? Suppose it retorted 'Scratch your own,' +I shouldn't know a bit how to go on." + +"It can't talk," said Archie. "It's quite a baby--only seven months +old. But it's no good showing it your watch; you must think of some +other way of amusing it." + +"Break it to me, Archie. Have I been asked down solely to amuse the +parrot, or did any of you others want to see me?" + +"Only the parrot," said Archie. + +Evangeline paid no attention to us. She continued to wrestle with the +monkey-nut. I should say that she was a bird not easily amused. + +"Can't it really talk at all?" I asked Mrs. Atherley. + +"Not yet. You see, she's only just come over from South America, and +isn't used to the climate yet." + +"Just the person you'd expect to talk a lot about the weather. I +believe you've been had. Write a little note to the poulterers and ask +if you can change it. You've got a bad one by mistake." + +"We got it as a bird," said Mrs. Atherley with dignity, "not as a +gramophone." + +The next morning Evangeline was as silent as ever. Miss Atherley and I +surveyed it after breakfast. It was still grappling with a monkey-nut, +but no doubt a different one. + +"Isn't it _ever_ going to talk?" I asked. "Really, I thought parrots +were continually chatting." + +"Yes, but they have to be taught--just like you teach a baby." + +"Are you sure? I quite see that you have to teach them any special +things you want them to say, but I thought they were all born with +a few simple obvious remarks, like 'Poor Polly,' or--or 'Dash LLOYD +GEORGE.'" + +"I don't think so," said Miss Atherley. "Not the green ones." + +At dinner that evening, Mr. Atherley being now with us, the question +of Evangeline's education was seriously considered. + +"The only proper method," began Mr. Atherley--"By the way," he said, +turning to me, "you don't know anything about parrots, do you?" + +"No," I said. "You can go on quite safely." + +"The only proper method of teaching a parrot--I got this from a man in +the City this morning--is to give her a word at a time, and to go on +repeating it over and over again until she's got hold of it." + +"And after that the parrot goes on repeating it over and over again +until you've got sick of it," said Archie. + +"Then we shall have to be very careful what word we choose," said Mrs. +Atherley. + +"What is your favourite word?" + +"Well, really--" + +"Animal, vegetable or mineral?" asked Archie. + +"This is quite impossible. Every word by itself seems so silly." + +"Not 'home' and 'mother,'" I said reproachfully. + +"You shall recite your little piece in the drawing-room afterwards," +said Miss Atherley to me. "Think of something sensible now." + +"Yes," said Mrs. Atherley. "What's the latest word from London?" + +"Kikuyu." + +"What?" + +"I can't say it again," I protested. + +"If you can't even say it twice, it's no good for Evangeline." + +A thoughtful silence fell upon us. + +"Have you fixed on a name for her yet?" Miss Atherley asked her +mother. + +"Evangeline, of course." + +"No, I mean a name for her to call _you_. Because if she's going +to call you 'Auntie' or 'Darling,' or whatever you decide on, you'd +better start by teaching her that." + +And then I had a brilliant idea. + +"I've got the very word," I said. "It's 'hallo.' You see, it's a +pleasant form of greeting to any stranger, and it will go perfectly +with the next word that she's taught, whatever it may be." + +"Supposing it's 'wardrobe,'" suggested Archie, "or 'sardine'?" + +"Why not? 'Hallo, Sardine' is the perfect title for a _revue_. Witty, +subtle, neat--probably the great brain of the Revue King has already +evolved it, and is planning the opening scene." + +"Yes, 'hallo' isn't at all bad," said Mr. Atherley. "Anyway, it's +better than 'Poor Polly,' which is simply morbid. Let's fix on +'hallo.'" + +"Good," said Mrs. Atherley. + +Evangeline said nothing, being asleep under her blanket. + + * * * * * + +I was down first next morning, having forgotten to wind up my watch +overnight. Longing for company I took the blanket off Evangeline's +cage and introduced her to the world again. She stirred sleepily, +opened her eyes and blinked at me. + +"Hallo, Evangeline," I said. + +She made no reply. + +Suddenly a splendid scheme occurred to me. I would teach Evangeline +her word now. How it would surprise the others when they came down and +said "Hallo" to her, to find themselves promptly answered back! + +"Evangeline," I said, "listen. Hallo, hallo, hallo, hallo." I stopped +a moment and went on more slowly. "Hallo--hallo--hallo." + +It was dull work. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo--hallo," and then very distinctly, +"Hal-_lo_." + +Evangeline looked at me with an utterly bored face. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo." + +She picked up a monkey nut and ate it languidly. + +"Hallo," I went on, "hallo, hallo ... hallo, _hallo_, HALLO, HALLO ... +hallo, hallo--" + +She dropped her nut and roused herself for a moment. + +"Number engaged," she snapped, and took another nut. + + * * * * * + +You needn't believe this. The others didn't when I told them. + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +From "Notes, Questions and Answers" in _T.P.'s Weekly_:-- + + "Author wanted, and where the whole poem can be found:-- + + "Drink to me only with thine eyes, + And I'll not ask for wine." + + C.E.H. + + [Herrick. A collected edition of the poems is published by + J.M. Dent at 1s. net.--ED. N.Q.A.]" + +Afterthought by ED. N.Q.A.: "At least I think it's HERRICK ... or +WORDSWORTH ... but wait till the Editor comes back from Algiers. He's +sure to know." + + * * * * * + + "Sir John Thornycroft kicked off in a football charity match + at Bembridge, Isle of Wight, in which the combined ages of the + players was 440 years."--_Hull Daily Mail_. + +Why not? + + * * * * * + + "M. Timiriazeff, president of the Anglo-British Chamber of + Commerce, followed with a speech."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +We like his Anglo-British name. + + * * * * * + +WINTER SPORTS. + + [_Some additional aspects of the fashionable topic that + seem to have escaped the writers of similar articles in our + contemporaries_.] + +(I.)--BUYING THE HOTEL. + +For this game several players are required, who form themselves into +one or more parties according to numbers. A player, preferably a +woman, is selected as leader, and should possess nerve, coolness, and +an authoritative voice. The object of the game is to secure (1) The +best rooms; (2) Tables with a view; (3) The controlling interest in +all projects of entertainment. It is an important advantage for the +leader to have stayed in the hotel at least once previously. If she +is able to announce on arrival, "Here we are as usual!" and to greet +the proprietor and staff by name, this often gives an initial blow +exceedingly hard to parry. English visitors have been proving very +adept at the sport this season, with Americans a good second. The +German game, on the contrary, is slower and less subtle. + +(II.)--SPOTTING THE PARSON. + +An amusing game that has been very popular at many Swiss resorts +lately, and one that calls for the qualifications of a quick brain +and a keen eye. The universal adoption of sweaters and woollen +caps makes the task of the players one of considerable difficulty. +Envelope-reading should be forbidden by the rules, and some codes even +debar the offering of a _Church Times_ to a suspected stranger. The +_Athenæum_ and _Spectator_ may, however, be freely employed as bait. +A simpler version of the same sport called "HOW MANY SCHOOLMASTERS?" +is often indulged in between December 20th and January 15th, after +which latter date it loses its point. + +Other games, seldom chronicled but inquiring at least as much skill +from their votaries as the better known varieties, are EARLY MORNING +SKI-BAGGING--at which the Germans frequently carry all before +them--and PRESSING THE PRESS-PHOTOGRAPHER, where the object of all the +players is to appear recognizably in a snap-shot for the illustrated +journals. At this the record score of three weekly and five daily +papers has been held for two successive seasons by the same player, a +gentleman whose dexterity is the subject of universal admiration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE--_Interior of box at Fancy Dress Ball_. + +_Host of Party_. "I SAY, BETTY, I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A CITY +FRIEND OF MINE, _MR. JONES_." + +_Hostess_ (_hospitably_). "HOW D'YOU DO? OH, YOU'RE _AWFULLY_ GOOD!" + +_Host_ (_sotto voce_). "TAKE CARE! HE'S NOT MADE UP AT ALL."] + + * * * * * + +THE WONDER ZOO. + +Canada has evolved a novelty described as a "new beef animal," which +is a blend of the domestic cow and the North American bison. The +resulting prodigy has the ferocious hump and shoulders of the bison, +with the mildly benevolent face of the Herefordshire ox. It must +not, however, be supposed that the old country is behind-hand in such +experiments, as witness the following:-- + +Billingsgate salesmen have lately been supplied with advance copies +of the new Codoyster fish. This epicurean triumph, which owes its +existence to the research of several eminent specialists, is the +result of a blend of the North Sea cod and the finest Whitstable +native. The result is said to reproduce in a remarkable degree the +succulent qualities of the original fish when eaten with oyster sauce, +and caterers are sure to welcome the combination of these popular +items in so handy a form. + +Several fine examples of the Soho chicken have lately appeared upon +the show benches at various important poultry contests. This ingenious +creation, which has long been familiar to the patrons of our less +expensive restaurants (hence the name), is said to possess qualities +of endurance superior to anything previously on the market. Its +muscular development is phenomenal, while the entire elimination of +the liver, and the substitution of four extra drum-sticks for the +ordinary wings and thighs, are noteworthy characteristics. + +Success in another branch of the same endeavour is shown in the latest +report of the Society for the Prolongation of Dachshunds. According +to this the worm-ideal seems at last to be in sight, careful +inter-breeding having now produced a variety called the Processional, +selected specimens of which take from one to two minutes in passing +any given spot. The almost entire disappearance of legs is another +attractive feature. + +Meanwhile Major-Gen. Threebottle writes from Oporto Lodge, Ealing, +strongly protesting against any further complication of the fauna of +these islands, and pointing out that the simple snakes and cats of our +youth were already sufficiently formidable to a nervous invalid like +himself without the addition of such objectionable novelties. + + * * * * * + + "Without warning, while the car was travelling at about + fifteen miles per hour, the tyre of the front wheel + burst."--_Scotsman_. + +Our tyres are much better trained, and each of the four gives a +distinctive cough before bursting. + + * * * * * + + "WAREHOUSEMAN (jun.), clothing dept., large + corporation."--_Advt. in_ "_Glasgow Herald_." + +He should show off the new line in check waistcoats to the best +advantage. + + * * * * * + +THE SECRET OUT. + +AN INTERVIEW. + +He had a coarse confident face, a red nose, a Cockney accent and a +raucous voice. He was dressed as a sluttish woman. + +Directly I saw him I was conscious of a feeling of repulsion, which I +fear my expression must have indicated, for he looked surprised. + +"Why aren't you laughing?" he asked. + +"Why should I laugh?" I asked in return. + +"Because you are looking at me," he said. "I am accustomed to laughter +the instant I appear." + +"Why?" + +"Because I am a funny man," he said. + +"How?" + +"I look funny," he said; "I say funny things; I draw a good salary for +it. If I wasn't funny I shouldn't draw a good salary, should I?" + +"You do draw it," I said guardedly. "Be funny now." + +"'Wait till I catch you bending,'" he said with a violent grimace. +"'What ho! 'Ave a drop of gin, ole dear?'" + +"Be funny now," I repeated. + +He looked bewildered. "I _was_ being funny," he said. "I bring the +house down with that, as a rule." + +"Where?" + +"In panto," he said. + +"Oh!" I replied. "So you're the funny man of a pantomime, are you?" + +"Yes," he said. + +"Which one?" + +"All of them," he said. + +"Good," I replied. "I have long wanted a talk with you. There are +things I want to ask you. Why, for instance, do you always pretend to +be a grimy slum woman?" + +"It seems to be expected," he said. + +"Who expects it? The children?" + +"What children?" + +"The children who go to pantomimes," I said. + +"Oh, those! Well, they laugh," he replied evasively. + +"They like to see you quarrelling with your husband and getting +drunk?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to hear you, as an Ugly Sister in _Cinderella_, singing +'Father's on the booze again; mother's off her chump'?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you as the wife of Ali Baba, finding pawntickets +in your husband's pockets and charging him with spending his money on +flappers?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as The Widow Twankay, visit a race meeting and +get welshed and have your clothes torn off?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as Dick Whittington's mother, telling the cat +that, if he must eat onions, at any rate he can refrain from kissing +her?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as the dame in _Goody Two Shoes_, open a night +club on the strict understanding that it is only for clergymen's +daughters in need of recreation?" + +"They laugh," he said again. + +"But they don't know what you mean?" + +"No. But I'm funny. That's what you don't seem to understand. I'm so +funny that everything I say and do makes them laugh. It doesn't, in +fact, matter _what_ I say." + +"Ah!" I replied, "I have you there! In that case why don't you say a +few simpler and sweeter things?" + +He seemed perplexed. + +"Things," I explained, "that don't want quite so much knowledge of the +seamy side of life?" + +"Go on!" he said derisively. "I haven't got time to mug _that_ up. +I've got my living to get. You don't suppose I invent my jokes, do +you? I collect them. I'm on the Halls the rest of the year, and I hear +them there. There hasn't been a new joke in a pantomime these twenty +years. But what you don't seem to get into your head, mister, is the +fact that I make them laugh. Laugh. I'm a scream, I tell you." + +"And laughter is all you want?" I asked. + +"I must either make people laugh or get 'the bird.'" + +"But hasn't it ever occurred to you," I said, "that children in a +theatre at Christmas time are entitled to have a little fun that +is not wholly connected with sordid domestic affairs and pothouse +commonness?" + +"Never," he said, and I believed him. + +"Haven't you children of your own?" + +"Several." + +"And is that how you amuse them at home?" + +"Of course not. They're too young." + +"How old are they?" + +"From six to thirteen." + +"But that's the age of the children who go to pantomimes," I +suggested. + +"Well, it's different in your own home," he said. "Besides," he added, +"it isn't children I aim at in my jokes. There's other things for +them: the fairy ballets, the comic dog." + +"And what is the audience you aim at?" I asked. "I suppose there is +one definite figure you have in your mind's eye?" + +"Yes," he said, "there is one. The person in the audience that I +always aim at is the silly servant-girl in the front row of the +gallery. That's why I so often say 'girls' before I make a joke. +You've heard me, haven't you?" + +"Haven't I?" I groaned. + + * * * * * + +THE GAME LICENCE. + +It was yesterday afternoon, towards the close of the last beat of our +annual cover shoot, that I perceived a fellow in a yellow waterproof +popping up his head from time to time (at no little risk to his life) +over a dyke some way behind the line of guns. As soon as the beaters +came out he advanced and introduced himself as an Excise Officer, +asking "if this would be a convenient moment to examine the game +licences of the party." + +It was not at all a convenient moment for Walter--who hadn't got one. +My thoughts flew at once to Walter in this crisis, for I knew he was +bound to be had. Walter never does have game licences, season tickets, +adhesive labels, telegraph forms or things of that sort. And as he +had only returned from Canada two days before and this was the first +time that he had been out, and further as he immediately disappeared +and hid behind the hedge, I knew that my worst suspicions must be +confirmed. While the Excise Officer was taking down the names and +addresses of the rest of the party I went after Walter. He was sitting +in the ditch with his head in his hands. + +"If this had happened a few years ago, old chap," he said, "when I +was a younger man, I should have run for it. But to-day I believe that +feller would overhaul me within half-a-mile. My wind's rotten. Do you +think he'll find us here?" + +"Yes," said I, "he is coming this way." + +Walter got up. "There must be some way out of it," he said +thoughtfully, "if one could only think of it." Then he boldly +confronted his accuser. + +"Since you put it to me," he said, "no, I have no game licence. But +fortunately in my case it is not necessary. I am exempt." + +The Officer stared at him a moment. + +"Certainly it is necessary," he said. + +"Kindly show me the form of this licence," said Walter in the most +lordly, off-hand, _de-haut-en-bas_ tone of voice, and the Officer +handed him one belonging to the Major, which he had been scrutinizing. +"This, I perceive," said Walter, when he had read it carefully, "is a +licence or certificate to kill game. It doesn't apply to me." + +"Why not?" + +"Because I haven't killed any game." + +"But you have your gun in your hand at this moment." + +"That is so. This is my gun. But where, I ask you, is my dead game? +The truth is, my dear fellow," he went on, dropping his voice to a +more confidential level, "though it's pretty humiliating to have to +admit it and all that, especially before the beaters--the truth is +that I haven't hit a blamed thing to-day. Rotten, isn't it?" + +Walter isn't much of a shot and there weren't many birds anyway, and +he hadn't been very lucky in his stands--and when one came to think +it over one couldn't just exactly _remember_ anything at all having +fallen to his gun. + +"I call all these fellows to witness," said Walter most impressively, +"that I have killed no game. If it pleases me to discharge my gun, at +short intervals, for the sake of the bang--" + +"You require a gun licence," said the Officer. + +"That is not the point. I may or may not have a gun licence, but our +present controversy relates to a certificate to kill game. Do not let +us confuse the issue." + +It now appeared, however, that the Officer had been waiting behind the +dyke rather longer than we knew. "I myself," he said firmly, "saw you +bring down a cock pheasant at the beginning of the last beat." + +Walter consulted the paper in his hand. "I observe," he said, "that +this licence (or certificate) relates to killing game. There is +nothing said of bringing it down. I may, as you say, have induced a +cock pheasant to descend. I certainly didn't kill him. As a matter of +fact he was lightly touched on the wing, and he ran like a hare." + +"He's in that patch of bracken there," said the Officer. "If you will +send a keeper and a dog with me--" + +"No, I can't do that," said Walter, "unless you can show me a written +authority empowering you, in the KING's name, to borrow keepers and +dogs." + +It was then that the fun began. The Officer went off like a shot +up the hillside, started the old cock, chased him up the ditch and +through the hedge, and finally, to everyone's surprise and delight, +collared him in a corner of the dyke. There were loud cheers from the +enthusiastic crowd, but they were cut short by a sharp warning from +Walter. + +"Be careful how you handle that bird, Sir!" he cried. "If anything +happens to him I shall hold you responsible. I have no reason to +believe that you hold a licence (or certificate) to kill game. If he +suffers a mortal injury I shall report you." + +The Officer began to look rather bewildered and the old cock flapped +his wings. + +"I'll thank you for that bird," said Walter firmly, and he took it and +tucked it comfortably under his arm. + +"What are you going to do with it?" asked the Officer. + +"I am going to nurse it back to health and strength," said Walter. "It +only requires a little close attention. I shall be happy if you will +call in about a week's time to enquire. Good afternoon. I am very +pleased to have met you." And Walter held out his hand. + +Well, that is where the matter rests. If Walter can keep the bird +alive the case against him falls to the ground. If not, I suppose it +means a three-pound licence and a ten-pound fine. He took him straight +back to the Home Farm and secured for him dry and airy quarters in the +poultry run, and did not leave him till he had seen to his comfort in +every way and given minute directions as to his treatment.... + +I am afraid the old cock passed a rather restless night, but he was +able to take part of a warm mash, with two drops of laudanum in it, at +an early hour this morning. At this moment I hear Walter getting out +his motor-bicycle. I fancy he is going for the vet. + + * * * * * + +Says Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER:-- + + "There is a journal in London which has the impertinence to + call itself _The Nation_, but ... it does not represent the + merest fraction of our countrymen." + +Mr. SHORTER's own paper is called, more modestly, _The Sphere_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FUTURE OF BRITISH BOXING. + +_Rough_ (_to policeman who has knocked him down_). "WELL, IT'S WORF +IT. TO ME BELONGS THE CREDIT OF 'AVIN' DISCOVERED A BLOOMIN' WHITE +'OPE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GETTING USED TO THE "SMILING EXPRESSION." + +OUR SUGGESTION FOR A SYSTEM OF ADVANCED PHYSICAL TRAINING FOR PRUSSIAN +OFFICERS BEFORE TAKING UP COMMANDS IN THE ALSATIAN DISTRICT, WHERE THE +POPULACE IS SAID TO BE ADDICTED TO HUMOUR.] + + * * * * * + +OLD FRIENDS. + +I was in the train because I had to go to Birmingham; I was in the +dining car because I had to dine. With all respect to the Company I +cannot pretend that I regarded myself as doing anything remarkable or +distinguished. The little man opposite me, however, felt differently. +I have since been told that they of Birmingham are very proud of their +non-stop train service by both routes. + +"This, Sir," said the stranger, as I lowered my paper to help myself +to a proffered roll--"this is one of the Two-Hour trains." + +"You don't say," said I politely but not encouragingly. + +"Two hours," he repeated impressively. + +"Indeed? Two whole hours and not a moment less?" and I returned to my +paper pending the soup's arrival. + +"Is it not wonderful," he resumed when I was at his mercy again, +"to be travelling at sixty miles an hour and eating soup at the same +time?" + +"Some people eat soup," said I, "and some drink it. For myself, I give +it a miss;" and I returned to the news. + +With the fish: "I came up by the breakfast train this morning," said +he, "and I now return by the dining train." He meant by this to give +credit to the Company rather than to himself, but even so it seemed to +fall short of the complete ideal. There was something wanting. It was +luncheon, of course. + +"They run luncheon cars too," said he. + +"Then there seems to be no reason why you should ever leave the train +at all," I remarked, seeking refuge again in my paper. In spite, +however, of my coldness, he continued to assail me with similar facts +every time I emerged. Finally he took a sheet of slightly soiled paper +and pencilled on it a schedule of our movements. It ran:-- + + Mileage. Place. Time. + + -- Euston 6.55 P.M. + 5½ Willesden [7.4] " + 17½ Watford [7.18] " + 46¾ Bletchley [7.50] " + 82¼ Rugby [8.24] " + 94¼ Coventry [8.36] " + 113 Birmingham 8.55 " + +"To give this the very careful consideration it deserves," said I, "I +must be left absolutely to myself." + +Later on, feeling that I had perhaps been rude, I offered the man a +cigar by way of compensation. He accepted it as a mark of esteem and +burst forth into more conversation. By now a little fed up with trains +himself he suggested, for the sake of something new to say, that he +had met me before somewhere. At first I had some idea of asking for my +cigar to be returned, but instead I gave in to his persistence. More, +I joined in the conversation with an energy which surprised him. + +"Now I come to think of it we _have_ seen each other before; but +where?" I said. + +He thought promiscuously, disconnectedly and aloud. I could accept +none of his suggestions because all referred to commercial rooms in +provincial hotels, places to which I have not the _entrée_. "But I +know now," I declared brightly; "it was at a place just this side of +London that I saw you first." + +"First?" he asked. + +"Oh yes," said I. "I have seen you more than once. Surely you haven't +forgotten that time at Watford?" + +He felt that I had the advantage of him. "When was that?" he asked. + +"Not very long after the first time; and the next occasion I remember +seeing you was at a place called--called--something beginning with a +B." + +He was quite unable to cope with the situation. + +"And the next time," I continued, "I happened to be passing through +that town where the school is--you know, Rugby. I distinctly recollect +noticing then that you hadn't changed in the least since I last saw +you." + +He couldn't decide whether to be more flattered at my remembering or +more annoyed at his own forgetting. + +"Come, come," I exclaimed, "you surely cannot have forgotten that +little chat we had at Coventry?" + +"Coventry?" he asked. "But how long ago was that?" + +"Quite recently," I asserted. + +"But I haven't set foot in Coventry for years," said he. + +"Nor have I, ever," said I. + +I could understand his feelings thoroughly. It might be that I was a +liar; it might be that I was a lunatic. In either case he did not wish +to converse further with me. Happily, I had two newspapers available. + + * * * * * + +As the speed of our train, in which of old he had taken such a pride, +began to slacken: "And I shouldn't be surprised," I said from behind +my paper, "if you and I saw each other again quite soon. The world is +a small place and these things soon develop into a habit." + +He made no answer from behind his paper. + +"If you ask me when and where" (as in fact he didn't), "I should say +it is just as likely as not to happen at Birmingham at about 8.55 +P.M.," I estimated, relying upon his own schedule. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SAND CAMPAIGN. + +SCENE--_Algeria, on the border of the desert_. + + THE ARAB AND THE CHANCELLOR + WERE WALKING HAND-IN-HAND; + THE LATTER WEPT A LOT TO SEE + SUCH QUANTITIES OF SAND; + "WHY ARE YOU HOLDING UP," HE SAID, + "THIS VERY FERTILE LAND?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Harold_ (_who has just been kissed by his sister_). "I +SAY, I WONDER WHAT SHE'S UP TO?" + +_Friend_. "SIGN OF AFFECTION, ISN'T IT?" + +_Harold_. "_AFFECTION_, YOU GOAT! SHE NEVER DOES THAT TILL THE LAST +DAY OF THE HOLS, AND THERE'S A WEEK TO GO YET."] + + * * * * * + + "The play was preceded by 'The £12 Hook,' another Barrie + comedy of more recent date."--_Sydney Morning Herald_. + +We should prefer to call it "The £12 Eye." + + * * * * * + + "LABOUR IN SOUTH AFRICA. + BLACK OUTLOOK." + + _Morning Post_. + +Let us hear both sides. What is the White Outlook? + + * * * * * + + "The grievance of the men is in regard to the rate of pay. + They are paid 5½d. per hair."--_Glasgow News_. + +And then when they are old and bald they have to starve. + + * * * * * + + "TANGO RAPIDLY DYING. + DANCE UPHELD BY MR. MAX PEMBERTON." + _Daily Chronicle_. + +This is the sort of thing that the Revue King has to put up with. +Truly the lot of royalty is not an enviable one. + + * * * * * + +From an advertisement of Tango matinées in _The Lyceum_:-- + + "RESERVED TAUTENILS (4 first rows) 10/-- + TAUTENILS (tea included) 7/6 + TAUTENILS (tea not included) 6/--" + +_Gourmet_ (_planking down his seven-and-six_). "Tea and tautenils, +please." + + * * * * * + +Seen on a Liverpool hoarding:-- + + "Quo Vadis: Whither goest thou in eight reels?" + + _Answer_. "Anywhere in reason, but not home." + + * * * * * + +IN THE GARDEN OF ALLAH. + + Weary of the struggle and the squalors + Which beset the politician's life-- + Work that for a modicum of dollars + Brings a whole infinity of strife-- + Three of England's most illustrious cronies + Started on a winter holiday, + With no thought of MURRAY or Marconis-- + GEORGE and HENRY and the great TAY PAY. + + Never since ÆNEAS and his raiders + Stayed with DIDO in the days of yore + Did such irresistible invaders + Land upon the Carthaginian shore. + GEORGE, of course, the largest crowds attended, + But I'm told the kind Algerians say + That ÆNEAS wasn't half so splendid + Or so pious as the good TAY PAY. + + Noble sheikhs and black and bearded Bashas + Bowed, whene'er they met them, to the ground; + Festas and fantasias and tamashas + Followed in a never-ending round. + GEORGE no more on his detractors brooded; + HENRY simply sang the livelong day; + While unmixed benevolence exuded + From the loving heart of kind TAY PAY. + + Side by side they read the works of HICHENS; + Hand in hand they sampled the bazaars; + Ate the sweetmeats cooked in native kitchens; + Flew about in sumptuous motor-cars; + Golfed where once great HANNIBAL was scheming; + Joked where luckless DIDO once held sway; + For the finest jokes were always streaming + From the lips of comical TAY PAY. + + Other days they spent in caracoling, + Mounted each upon a mettled barb, + Or along the streets serenely strolling + Clad in semi-oriental garb; + HENRY with a cummerbund suburban; + GEORGE disguised to look like ENVER BEY; + While a kilt surmounted by a turban + Veiled the massive contours of TAY PAY. + + Daily they partook of ripe and juicy + Fruit, and Mocha coffee and kibobs; + Daily they conversed with EL SENOUSSI + And a lot of other native nobs; + HENRY practised Algerine fandangos; + GEORGE upon the tom-tom learned to play; + And a dervish taught ten Arab tangos + To the light fantastical TAY PAY. + + Whither will they wander next, I wonder? + Not, I hope and pray, within the reach + Of the tribes who live on loot and plunder, + Fanatics who practise what they preach. + Fancy if these horrible disturbers, + Swooping on our countrymen astray, + Touaregs and Bedouins and Berbers, + Carried off the succulent TAY PAY! + + Hardly had this agonizing presage + Taken shape within my tortured brain, + When good REUTER flashed the welcome message, + "Chancellor Returns," across the main. + Neptune, be thy waters calm, not choppy, + As they speed them on their homeward way, + GEORGE and HENRY and, bowed down with "copy," + Our unique arch-eulogist, TAY PAY. + + * * * * * + +THE MARRIED MAN'S ADVANTAGE. + +Personally I think too much respect is paid to age. There is nothing +clever in being old--nothing at all. On the other hand, youth has a +charm of its own. Besides, twenty-two is not young; you wouldn't +think me so if you really knew me. The doubt arises, I suppose, from +a certain innate light-heartedness. It is really rather pathetic. + +Daphne chooses to see humour in the situation, which is very absurd +of her, and, as I point out, merely reflects on herself. Surely she +doesn't wish to admit that it is foolish to love her. + +And that, to make a clean breast of it, is exactly what I do, and do +madly. + +I follow her about, reverently watching her every movement, hanging +on her every word--no light task. And my reward? A scant unceremonious +"Hallo!" when we meet; a scanter "Night" or "Morning," according to +the circumstances, when we part. A brave smile from me and she is +gone, an unwitting spectator of a real tragedy. + +Up to a few days ago I was content to bear with my lot, but last week +I rebelled. It was at a dance, after supper. Daphne had certainly +shown a sort of affection for me, motherly rather than otherwise, +I think; nevertheless an affection. But then, and not for the first +time, I had seen her flirting with another. + +I decided to lose my temper. I went into the smoke-room and +deliberated very close to the fire. In five minutes I left the room +heated. + +I found Daphne at once. + +"Our dance," I said. "We will sit out." + +My manner must have been rather terrifying. At any rate we sat out. + +"Daphne," I began, "I am in a mood that brooks no trifling. For weeks +I have loved you. You spurn me." + +"Oh, Billy, do be sensible," Daphne murmured. + +I moderated my tone. "Well, look here," I said, "why are you so cold +to me and yet flirt with my cousin? I saw you putting his tie straight +and patting his arm just now; and you won't let me even hold your +hand. It's pretty hard, Daphne." + +She laughed. "My dear Billy--" + +"Many thanks for yours of yesterday. I am having a very good time and +it is really kind of me to write." + +"If you won't be sensible--" + +"I am. It's just because I'm so serious that I jest. All the wittiest +men are broken-hearted. Go on." + +"Well, my dear Billy, you mustn't be foolish. I'm very fond of you, +but you're so ridiculously young." + +"You haven't a revolver about you?" I enquired. + +Daphne sighed. "Billy, you're quite hopeless. Do let me try to +explain. You see, I can't--well--flirt with you, because I don't +really flirt, of course, and besides your cousin's different--he's +married." + +I got up quickly. "Good-bye," I said. "You must excuse my leaving +you." + +Daphne looked surprised. "Where are you going?" she enquired. + +"To get married." I walked away with my head in the air. + + * * * * * + +A week later I wrote Daphne a letter. It ran as follows:-- + +"MY DEAR DAPHNE,--I am going to get married. Tina is nineteen, the +same as you, and is in the chorus of a musical comedy. She has real +jet black hair, so I am quite lucky. I hope you are fonder of me +already. + +Yours devotedly, BILLY." + +In reply, and by return of post, I received an invitation to tea at +Daphne's. Daphne, looking beautiful, was awaiting me. + +"How d'you do?" I said gravely. + +"Billy," Daphne began, "will you be really serious with me?" + +I immediately assumed a business manner and coughed. + +"Well?" I said. + +The word was sharp and incisive, a regular lawyer's question. + +"Of course, you're joking about this chorus girl?" + +"Joking! Daphne, you know I'd do anything for you." + +Daphne smiled. "But, Billy, I shan't like you any better if you marry +her." + +I bit a piece of cake coldly. "I don't understand you, Daphne," I +said. "When I ask you to show me a little affection, only just what +you show others, you tell me I'm young and married men are different. +I arrange to be different at considerable personal sacrifice, and you +tell me you won't like me any better." I swallowed convulsively. + +"But, Billy--dear--you're not actually engaged?" + +"I'm not so sure," I replied. "These girls are wonderfully sharp; and +then, of course, I'm so young." (A good touch.) + +There was a silence. + +"I shall hate you if you marry a chorus girl," said Daphne. + +"Then why did you tell me married men were different?" + +"Because most of them are." Daphne smiled slowly. "I think I might +like you better if you were married to some really nice girl." + +I laughed bitterly. "To you, for instance?" + +"Yes, to me," said Daphne very sweetly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN VIEW OF THE EXAGGERATED AND MISLEADING REPORTS OF +WHAT OCCURS AT THE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN MR. ASQUITH AND MR. BONAR LAW +ON THE ULSTER QUESTION WE VENTURE TO THINK THAT A LITTLE MAKE-UP AND +CAREFUL CHOICE OF RENDEZVOUS WOULD ENABLE THE LEADERS TO HAVE MANY A +LONG CHAT ON THE SUBJECT WITHOUT ANYONE BEING AWARE OF THEIR HAVING +MET.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPREAD OF THE SERVANT-GIRL GRADUATE IDEA. + +(_Interior of a super-kitchen._) + +_Mistress_. "WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING YOUR SOPHOCLES FOR A MOMENT, MARY, +AND RUNNING TO THE POST?"] + + * * * * * + +TO OBEY OR NOT TO OBEY. + +_8th December, 1913._ + +Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook request the pleasure of Mr. Hugh Melbrook's +company at the marriage of their daughter Muriel Irene with Mr. +Adolphus Smith, at St. Peter's, Hashton, on Wednesday, December 31st, +1913, at 1.30 o'clock, and afterwards at _Westlands, Hashton_. + +R.S.V.P. + + +_9th December, 1913._ + +Mr. Hugh Melbrook thanks Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook for the opportunity of +being present at the wedding of their daughter Muriel Irene, but much +regrets that, owing to great pressure of work, he cannot be there. +He desires that Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook should not feel constrained to +alter their present arrangements on that account. + + +_26th December, 1913._ + +MESSRS. HALL, MARK & Co., Silversmiths. + +SIRS,--Kindly despatch at once to the address given below a seasonable +wedding gift, costing no more than the amount of the enclosed postal +order. I send my card for inclusion. Whatever change there may be +please return it to me, and oblige + +Yours faithfully, + +H. MELBROOK. + + +_27th December, 1913._ + +H. MELBROOK, ESQ. + +DEAR SIR,--We are in receipt of your esteemed favour of yesterday's +date and beg to advise you that we have this day forwarded to +the address you gave a handsome cut-glass anchovy dish with a +finely-chased silver lid and tray. We enclose the receipted bill for +the dish, which stands in our list at exactly the amount remitted by +you. + +We are, dear Sir, + +Yours faithfully, + +HALL, MARK & Co. + + +_29th December, 1913._ + +MY DEAR HUGH.--Thank you _very, very_ much for the sweet little +butterdish. It's ripping. Do try to get down, Hugh, there's a good +boy! If you can find time to choose me such a nice present--I know +what you are, it must have taken you hours--surely you could take the +day off for once. Say yes. + +In tremendous haste, and thanking you again and again, + +Your affectionate cousin, + +MURIEL. + +P.S.--I've just heard that Mr. Parsley, who is to marry us, is very +strict about _obedient_ weddings, and I promised Geraldine I wouldn't +"obey" if she didn't. Now it's my turn. Tell me something to do. + + +_30th December, 1913._ + +MY GOOD MURIEL,--That's a caviare dish! Caviare dishes, I understood, +were all the rage just now, and here am I slaving away to be in the +fashion, and you calmly write back and say, "Thank you very much for +the butt--" My good Muriel! + +I really wanted to send you something quite different, something +equally novel but more seasonable; no less, in fact, than a +nose-muff or nose-warmer. It is a little idea of my own, the Melbrook +"Rhinotherm." Briefly, the mechanism consists of pieces of heated +charcoal, potato or what-not, encased in some non-conducting material, +the whole being then unostentatiously affixed to the frigid end of the +nose. Stupidly, I forgot to take a plaster cast of your nose. You'll +forgive me, won't you? + +And now about coming down on the happy day. I feel very hurt about it. +You know perfectly well that I wanted you to be married on a Saturday, +but you wouldn't. It isn't as though you get married every day, and +I do think you might have considered me a little more. But, even if +I did come, even if by working all night Monday and Tuesday I could +scrape together a few hours of freedom, I know what it would be. I +should never be allowed in the vestry afterwards, while all the fun +was going on. And yet you have the effrontery to sit there and ask my +help in evading your, responsibilities as a married woman. Still, if +you promise to breathe not a word of this to any woman I may marry +hereafter, here's a dead snip for you. Listen! When you come to the +words "to love, cherish and to obey," you simply drop the second "to" +(nobody will miss it) and run the "d" of the "and" into the "obey," +and lo! we have a French word, to wit, _dauber_, meaning to cuff, +drub or belabour. What say you to that, my bonny bride? I think that +deserves an extra large slice of cake, to put under my pillow. And I +say, Muriel, I do hope there won't be any of those rotten cassowary +seeds in it. If there are, for pity's sake rake them out and give them +to someone who likes them. And I'll have his share of the marzipan. + +Your affectionate cousin, + +HUGH. + + +NEWSPAPER EXCERPT. + +... During the service an amusing incident occurred. It was noticed +that the, bride, who is rumoured to have feminist leanings, betrayed +some difficulty in pronouncing the vow of obedience. The Rev. Thos. +Parsley considerately paused and helped her to repeat the words +after him in a clear and audible manner. In an interview with +our representative, Mr. Parsley smilingly explained that he was +determined, in his parish at any rate, to discourage any possible +evasion of the matrimonial vows. He considered that a great deal of +post-nuptial unhappiness was attributable to the lamentable laxity +of the clergy in joining young people in matrimony without requiring +their future relations to be clearly defined at the outset. The young +bride refused to make any comment, but seemed highly amused at the +incident.... + +"_Hashton Weekly Hash._" + + * * * * * + + "A gem ring lost last summer by Franz Schroder while + travelling in a steamer on the Danube, near Prague, was found + inside a carp caught at Mayence by his nephew."--_Manchester + Evening News_. + +The fact that Mayence is not on the Danube need not bother you. Only +last week our uncle lost a white elephant while travelling in a barge +on the Regent's Park Canal, near Maida Vale, and it was found inside +the hat-box of the Editor of _The Manchester Evening News_ by FRANZ +SCHRODER. Bless you, these things are always happening. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irate Cottager._ "Hi! YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY 'EDGE!" + +_Mild Sportsman._ "OH, NO; YOUR HEDGE IS BREAKING MY FALL, AND IF YOU +WILL KINDLY PUSH ME BACK AGAIN I SHALL TRY TO REJOIN MY HORSE."] + + * * * * * + +THE COWARD. + +It is impossible to describe to you exactly how Herbert looked. But +shame, defiance and unconcern were the principal ingredients in his +expression as he stood on the kerb and stared across the road. + +He started guiltily as I approached. + +"Hallo, Herbert!" I began with my customary _bonhomie_. + +"Hallo!" he said dismally. + +"What are you doing here?" I asked sternly. + +"Nothing," said Herbert. "Have you ever noticed what a fine building +that post-office is?" + +"No," I said; "neither have you. Herbert, you are concealing something +from me. What have I done to deserve it? Have I not enjoyed your +confidence these many years, and have you ever known me betray it? Is +it marriage that has changed you thus? Is it--" + +"Shut up," said Herbert. "I'll tell you, if you stop talking." + +I stopped talking. + +"It's this way. My wife and I have had a little discussion. And I +stated my belief that there was nothing in an ordinary way that a +woman could do that a man couldn't. Whereupon she defied me to go out +and--er--buy a bloater. As you see, I have gone out, and--er--" + +"Yes," I said, "you have gone out. Splendid of you! And all that +remains to be done is to buy a bloater. Why not? Yonder, if I mistake +not, is the shop of a bloaterer." + +"But a bloater!" said Herbert. "It isn't fair. If she'd said some +salmon, or a lobster, or even a pound of sausages; or if she'd allowed +me to 'phone for it. It's not as if I'd ever had any practice. It's +not decent to start a beginner on a hand-bought bloater." + +"Tush!" I said. "This is not manly. Remember, our sex is at stake. +Come!" + +I took him by the arm. He advanced under protest. + +Four paces from the shop he stopped abruptly and laughed--a horrible +laugh. + +"Do you know," he said, "I do believe I've come out without a cent on +me." + +"_I_ don't believe it for a moment," I said, "but as it happens I can +lend you pounds and pounds--almost enough for two bloaters." + +Herbert reluctantly found some money in one of the seven pockets he +had not felt in. Then we advanced once more. + +This time there was no going back. Right into the body of the +fishmonger's we strode and stood firmly opposite the salesman. + +"_Now_," I whispered tensely. + +But Herbert hesitated, and even as he wobbled the salesman began his +suggestions. + +"Yes, Sir? Lobsters or prawns, Sir? Some very good salmon this +morning--very fine fish indeed, Sir." + +"Er, as a matter of fact," said Herbert, "we just wanted to know if +you would be so kind as to direct us to the nearest post-office?--the +one just across the road, you know," he added nervously. + +"Herbert," I said in his private ear, "be a man." + +Herbert pulled himself together. "Would you," he said to the salesman, +"would you please let me look at some b-b-blobsters?" + + * * * * * + +A BAD DREAM. + +_Sunday_.--Great news! The plan suggested by the Anglo-German Alliance +Committee is at last to be carried out. There is to be an exchange of +garrisons, that is to say, certain English towns are to be garrisoned +by German regiments, while certain German towns are to have +English garrisons. Our own town, though a small one, is to have +the distinguished honour of being the first to give this mark of +friendship to the world. All the arrangements have been made, and +to-morrow the 901st Prussian regiment of infantry is to march in. +It will be a great day for Dartlebury, and we shall all do our best, +though the public notice has been short, to give our gallant visitors +a warm and truly British reception. + +_Monday_.--Our German friends have arrived. At 11 o'clock this morning +it was announced that they were approaching, headed by their band. The +Mayor, Alderman Farthingale, and the whole Corporation, including the +three Labour members recently elected, immediately proceeded to the +old city wall to meet them. They were accompanied by the municipal +band in full uniform, playing "_Die Wacht am Rhein_," which they had +been assiduously practising. Unfortunately this led to what might have +been a somewhat painful contretemps. On meeting the municipal band the +Prussian commander, Colonel von Brausebrum, halted his soldiers and in +a loud voice declared that our men were playing out of tune. Perhaps +this was true, but the offence was involuntary and in any case it +was hardly serious enough to call for the arrest of the whole band. +Arrested, however, they were, and it was a melancholy sight to see +them marched off by a corporal's guard. Mr. Zundnadel, the chief of +the band, is himself of German origin, and his feelings can be better +imagined than described. The Mayor saved the situation by making an +extremely cordial speech, in which he spoke of the English and the +Germans as ancient brothers-in-arms. The Colonel in his reply said his +mission was a glorious one, and everything would depend on the way +we conducted ourselves. What can he have meant? The march was then +resumed, but another halt was made in the High Street to remove the +French flag which Mucklow, the linen-draper, had very tactlessly stuck +up over his shop. He too was arrested, with wife and family, and was +lodged in jail. Luckily no further incident disturbed the harmony of +the proceedings. + +_Tuesday_.--This morning Lieutenant von Schornstein, while walking in +Brewer's Alley, trod on a piece of banana-skin and fell heavily on +the pavement. As he rose he observed that two small boys were, so he +alleged, laughing at him. He immediately ran after the two urchins, +and was proceeding to put them to the sword when the Brewery men +interfered and disarmed him. He pleaded that his uniform had been +insulted and that it was necessary for him to punish them. "_Ich +muss sie durch den Leib rennen_" were his words. The men, however, +were not inclined to admit the force of this plea, especially as +they understood no German, and they sent him back to barracks in a +taxi-cab. The Mayor at once wired his apologies to the Colonel, and it +is hoped that nothing further will be heard of the incident. I ought +to add that the boys deny that they laughed, but the lieutenant is +certain that they wore a smiling expression. + +The "Friendship Banquet" was held this evening in the Town Hall, +with the Mayor in the chair. No very great enthusiasm was shown, and +when the Mayor, in proposing the health of our visitors, alluded to +the friendly rivalry of the two nations in commerce and the arts of +peace, the Colonel pulled him back into his seat and begged him not +to proceed. "_Maul halten_," he said. The three Labour members of the +Council were afterwards arrested for not having joined with sufficient +heartiness in the singing of "_Deutschland über Alles_." + +_Wednesday_.--A state of siege has been declared in Dartlebury, and +we are all living under martial law. Lord Gruffen was arrested for +having knocked up against a soldier. The magistrates, on leaving the +police-court, were handcuffed and removed to barracks. A crisis is +evidently approaching. + +_Thursday_.--An insurrection started this morning. A huge crowd +attacked the barracks and overpowered all resistance. Blood flowed +like water, but in an hour all was over. There is a strong feeling +that the experiment of the Alliance Committee was a rash one, though +no doubt it was well meant. We live and learn. + + * * * * * + +LOOP! LOOP!! + +(_A STORY OF AERIAL PROWESS IN THE PROVINCES._) + + They said, "He goes a-tumbling through the hollow + And trackless empyrean like a clown, + Head pointed to the earth where weaklings wallow, + Feet up toward the stars; not such renown + Even our lord himself, the bright Apollo, + Gets in his gilded car. For one bob down + You shall behold the thing." "Right-o," I said, + Clapping the old brown bay leaves on my head. + + So to the hangars. Time, about eleven, + The air full chill, the ground a mess of muck, + And long time gazed I on the wintry heaven + And thought of many a deed of Saxon pluck; + How DRAKE, for instance, good old DRAKE of Devon, + Played bowls at Plymouth Hoe. Twelve-thirty struck. + No one had vaulted through the air's abyss; + DRAKE would have plunged tail up an hour ere this. + + Brief interval for lunch, and then a drizzle + Fell on the dreary field. Like some dead moth + The thing remained. Chagrin commenced to sizzle, + And certain people cried, "A thillingth loth." + Others, "Hey, Mister Airman, it's a swizzle!" + Then a stern man came out, and with a cloth + Lightly, as one well used to such a feat, + Swaddled the brute's propeller and its seat. + + The skies grew darkling, and there went a rumour, + "The thing is off; he will not fly to-day;" + And forth we wandered, some in rare ill-humour, + But not, oh, not the bard. Yet this I say-- + There are two kinds of courage: one's a boomer + Avid of gold and glory; this is A, + Crowned with a palm, and in her hands I see + Sheaves of press cuttings. There is also B. + + Not venturesome, this last, to brave the billows, + To beard the panther in his hidden lair, + To probe the epiderms of armadillos, + Nor execute wild cart-wheels in the air; + But who shall say how much Britannia still owes + To B, the kind of courage that can bear + Dauntless to wait, whate'er the skies portend, + (Having paid entrance) to the bitter end? + + The heavenly hero in his suit of leather + Soars through Olympus with the world beneath + Sometimes, and sometimes, owing to the weather, + Scratches his fixtures in the tempest's teeth. + Shall the high gods, who gaze on both together, + Count him the nobler, or confer their wreath + On the brave bull-dog bard, who risks his thews + Standing about all day in thin-soled shoes? + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERE'S ONE I'M SURE YOU'LL LIKE, TREVOR." + +"WHAT IS IT?" + +"_ROBINSON CRUSOE_." + +"IN WHAT LANGUAGE?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Just as one may say of certain novelists that they write at the top +of their voices, so, I think, one might describe Miss VIOLA MEYNELL +as writing in a whisper. This certainly is the effect that _Modern +Lovers_ (SECKER) produced upon me. The gentle method of it invested +the story--which of itself is a very slight thing--with an odd +significance almost impossible to communicate in criticism; but the +reading of a few pages will show you what I mean. The title is apt +enough, for the tale is about nothing but love, as it affects a group +of five young people, three men and two girls. Of the girls, who are +sisters, _Effie Rutherglen_ is the more important and detailed figure. +_Effie_, in the time before the story opens, had an affair with +_Oliver Bligh_; then, summoned North to live with her futile and +uncomprehending parents, she fell (as did her sister _Milly_ and most +of the local spinsters) under the fascination of one _Clive Maxwell_, +who was an author and had appealing eyes and obviously a way with him. +Then _Oliver_ turned up again, and poor _Effie_ didn't know which of +them she wanted. I speak lightly, but, if you think all this made +for comedy, your conception of Miss MEYNELL's methods is very much +at fault. Love to her is very much what it was to _Patience_ in the +opera--by no means a wholly enviable boon. I can hardly praise too +much the exquisite refinement and restraint of her treatment of +commonplace things. But one small point baffled me: _Oliver_ appears +to have been a professional diver and bath-keeper--we are told, +indeed, that he had occupied that position at Rugby (a statement +that I have private and personal reasons for discrediting)--yet we +find him staying as a welcome and honoured guest in the house of the +_Rutherglens_, whom I take to be more or less "county." Surely this, +though of no real importance, is at least remarkable? + + * * * * * + +"What," I asked myself, "is just the matter with this apparently quite +nice book?" (It was _Joan's Green Year_, and written by E.L. DOON and +published by MACMILLAN.) It is the kind of book that grows out of a +romantic disposition and an assiduously stuffed commonplace book. It +consists of letters from _Joan_, a paying guest in the Manor House +Farm at Pelton, to her brother _Keith_, a soldier in India, telling +him all about her year of holiday and "soul discipline" in the +country, the village gossip, her proposals and her one acceptance, and +giving a sort of farmer's calendar of the seasons as interpreted by +the guileless amateur. _Joan_ has what is known as a nice mind. But +to tell truth she has chosen a difficult and dangerous if alluring art +form. Of course letters enable you to evade some of the difficulties +of the novelist's task, to be discursive, allusive and incomplete. But +you can't be let off anything of the precision and subtlety of your +characterisation. On the contrary. And _Joan_ makes everyone in Pelton +(except the rustics, whose authenticity I gravely suspect) talk +as _Joan_ writes. They have nearly all seen her commonplace book, +I judge. Then, again, you must not have (like _Joan_) a large list +of acquaintances, or you breed confusion and dissipate interest +accordingly. _Joan_ is very young in many ways. She is extravagant in +the matter of the equipment of her heroes. _Bob Ingleby_, the farmer +(a gentleman, because he had been at Winchester), is a "great comely +giant," yet wins events one and three of the Hunt Steeplechase, though +thrown badly in number two. I have a suspicion that this work is +really _Joan's_ tee shot, and that after a notable recovery, which on +the best of her present form I can safely prophesy, she will reach her +green year next time. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. T.P. O'CONNOR has written a fascinating book. _My Beloved South_ +she calls it, and PUTNAMS publish it. There is not a lifeless page +in the 427 that make up a bountiful feast. Every one contains vivid +reproductions of incidents in social life in the South "befo' de +wa'" and after. At the outset we make the acquaintance of a typical +Southron, Mrs. O'CONNOR's grandfather, Governor of Florida when it +was still a Territory, with native Indians fighting fiercely for their +land and homes. Mrs. O'CONNOR was, of course, not to the fore in those +early days. But so steeped is she in lore of the South, much of it +gained from the lips of nurses and out-door servants, so keen is her +sympathy, so quick and true her instinct that she is able to revivify +the old scenes and reproduce the atmosphere of the time. The darkey +nurse of earliest childhood lives again, sometimes bringing with +her plantation songs like "Voodoo-Bogey-Boo," quaintly musical. Many +passages of the grandfather's conversations are preserved, in which we +may detect the voice of the gifted granddaughter. But the influence of +heredity is strong, more especially "down South." Also there are many +charming stories redolent of the South. I was about to mention the +page on which will be found the thrilling history of a mule aptly +named "Satan." On reflection I won't spoil the reader's pleasure in +unexpectedly coming upon it somewhere about the middle of the book. +Nobody--man or woman, girl or boy--who begins to read _My Beloved +South_ will skip a page. So the story cannot be overlooked. + + * * * * * + +In _Lost Diaries_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. MAURICE BARING travels by an easy +road to humour, and he does not pound it with too laborious feet. This +is perhaps a fortunate thing, for a farcical reconstruction of history +in the light of modern sentiment and circumstances might easily tire; +a Comic History of England, for instance, is stiffer reading to-day +than GARDNER or GREEN. Sometimes, however, Mr. BARING seems to carry +to extreme lengths his conscientious avoidance of efforts to be funny; +and in the imaginary records of one or two of his subjects there is +little more to laugh at than the unaided fancy of the student has long +ago perceived. _Tristram_ loved two _Iseults_, and JOHN MILTON was +an exasperating husband; but these things I knew, and the author of +_Lost Diaries_ has made no more capital out of the situations than +the eternal merriment which the bare statement of the facts inspires. +But where Mr. BARING, pleasantly disdainful alike of consistency +and taste, examines the pocket-book of the "Man in the Iron Mask," +and finds him complaining of the noise and disturbance in dungeon +after dungeon until he is removed at last to the lotus island of the +Bastille; or records the blameless botanical pursuits of TIBERIUS in +seclusion; or the first consumption of the Colla di Gallo by COLUMBUS +in the newly discovered West, he is, for all the simplicity of his +methods, amusing enough. Yet even so I am inclined to think that the +first of his essays, which reads like an actual transcript from the +jottings of a nineteenth-century private-school boy, is the diary +which I most heartily congratulate Mr. BARING on having rediscovered, +and which I should be least willing for him to lose again. + + * * * * * + +With the Land Question staring us in the face, _Folk of the Furrow_ +(SMITH ELDER) should attract the attention of those who wish +thoroughly to understand what the agricultural labourer wants and +why he wants it. Mr. CHRISTOPHER HOLDENBY is no amateur, for as Mr. +STEPHEN REYNOLDS has lived with fishermen and shared their daily lives +so he has lodged in labourers' cottages and hoed and dug with the +best (and worst) of them. The result is a book that is stamped with +the hall-mark of a great sincerity; and three facts at least can be +gathered from it by the very dullest of gleaners. First, and I think +foremost, that the decencies of life cannot be observed if children +of very various ages are to be crowded into cottages too small to hold +them; secondly, that it is useless to expect morality from youths who +have few or no amusements provided for them; thirdly, that the passing +of the old families and the advent of the week-end "merchant princes" +do not make a change for the better. All which may be stale news, but +after reading this book I think that you will admit that Mr. HOLDENBY +has contrived to make an old tale very impressive. In some instances +it is true that I could bring evidence directly in opposition to his, +but on the whole he deserves well for the way in which he has won the +confidence of a class naturally suspicious and silent, and for his +manner of stating his case. Had I for my sins to cram our M.P.'s for +the debates that lie before them, I should feed them liberally upon +_Folk of the Furrow_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUS REFEREE ORDERING HIMSELF OFF THE GROUND +FOR BEING HASTY TO AN IMPERTINENT PLAYER.] + + * * * * * + +TO MR. CHAMBERLAIN + +ON HIS RETIREMENT FROM PUBLIC LIFE. + + Not yet the end; only the end of strife. + But now--while still the brave unwearied heart, + Fixed upon England, fain to keep its part + In her Imperial life, + + Beats with the old unconquerable pride-- + Now leave to younger limbs the dust and palm, + And let the weary body seek the calm + That comes with eventide. + + There take your rest within the sunset glow, + All feuds forgotten of your fighting days, + Circled with love and laurelled with the praise + Of friend and ancient foe. + + O.S. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 14, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12536 *** diff --git a/12536-8.txt b/12536-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..294820e --- /dev/null +++ b/12536-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2481 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., +January 14, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., January 14, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 6, 2004 [EBook #12536] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +January 14, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +We hear that the CHANCELLOR has, while in North Africa, been making a +close study of camels, with a view to ascertaining the nature of the +last straw which breaks their backs. + + *** + +It is denied that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in order to give a practical +demonstration of his belief in the disarmament idea, has given +instructions that all precautions against attacks on him by +Suffragettes are to be discontinued. + + *** + +The Balkan situation is considered to have undergone a change for +the worse owing to the purchase by Turkey of the Dreadnought _Rio de +Janeiro_. For ourselves we cannot subscribe to this view. Is it likely +that the Turks, after paying over £2,000,000 for her, will risk losing +this valuable vessel in war? + + *** + +On the day of the marriage of the Teuton Coal-King's daughter to Lord +REDESDALE's son last week there was snow on the ground. The Coal-King +must have shown up very well against it. + + *** + +Sir REGINALD BRADE is to be the new permanent secretary at the War +Office. Let's hope he has no connection with the firm of Gold Brade +and Red Tape. + + *** + +It has been discovered that members of a certain Eskimo tribe have +an extra joint in their waists. The news has caused the greatest +excitement among cannibal tribes all over the world, and it is +expected that there will be a huge demand for these people. Where +there are big families to feed the extra joint will be invaluable. + + *** + +"OUR RESOLUTION IS TO GO FORWARD IN THE NEW YEAR." advertises the +London General Omnibus Co. A capital idea, this. Vehicles which simply +go backwards are never so satisfactory. + + *** + +After one-hundred-and-fifty-years' careful consideration the War +Office has given permission to the Black Watch and the King's +Royal Rifle Corps to bear on their regimental colours the honorary +distinction "North America, 1763-64," in recognition of services +rendered during the war against the Red Indians. + + *** + +Not sixty people visited "La Gioconda" on one of the days after +her return to Paris, when a charge of four shillings was made for +admission, and, towards the end of the day, the smile is said to have +worn a rather forced look. + + *** + +"Who are the best selling modern authors?" asks a contemporary. We +do not like to mention names, but, as readers, we have been sold by +several popular writers lately. + + *** + +We are not surprised that many persons are becoming rather disgusted +with our little amateurish attempts at Winter. Thousands now go to +Switzerland, and Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON is going even further afield. +Meanwhile the Government does nothing to stem this emigration. + + *** + +The boxing craze among the French continues. M. VEDRINES, the intrepid +aviator, has taken it up and been practising on M. Roux's ears. + + *** + +The German CROWN PRINCE has become a member of the Danzig Cabinet +Makers' Union. Later on he hopes to become a Chancellor-maker. + + *** + +Another impending apology? Headlines from _The Daily Chronicle_:-- + + "PNEUMONIA ON THE RAND. + DISCOVERY OF ITS CAUSE. + SIR ALMROTH WRIGHT'S + VACCINE TREATMENT." + + *** + +Could frugality go further? At the golden wedding celebrations of a +Southend couple, a packet of wedding cake was eaten which had been put +away on their marriage day in 1863. + + *** + +A soap combine, with a nominal capital of £35,000,000, is said to have +been formed to exploit China; and the Mongols may yet cease to be a +yellow race. + + *** + +The latest tall story from America is to the effect that some burglars +who broke into the Presbyterian church at Syracuse, New York, stole a +parcel of sermons. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PANTOMIME FAUNA. + +_Extract from the note-book of the dramatic critic of "the Wampton +Clarion_":-- + +Mr. Clarence Fink delighted the Audience with his truly life like +representation of [Crossed-out: a wolf bear lion cat monkey] an animal +of the furry tribe.] + + * * * * * + +YOUNG MOTHER'S SWAN-SONG. + + ["It was better for a young mother to start her new + chapter unhampered: the less she knew the better it was for + her."--_Mrs. Annie Swan_.] + + How do you take a baby up? + What does it like to eat? + Do you put rusks in a feeding cup? + Have you to mince its meat? + Haven't I heard them speak of pap? + Isn't there caudle too? + How do you keep the thing on your lap? + Why are its eyes askew? + Is it a touch of original sin + Causes an infant to squall, + Or trust misplaced in a safety-pin + Lost in the depths of a shawl? + When do you "shorten" a growing child + (_Is_ it so much too long)? + Should legs be lopped or the scalp be filed? + Both in a sense seem wrong. + "Kitchy," I think I have heard them say; + What shall I make it kitch? + "Bo" I believe in a mystic way + Frightens or soothes, but which? + Didn't I see one once reversed, + Patted about the spine? + Is it the way they should all be nursed? + Will it agree with mine? + Surely its gums are strangely bare? + Why does it dribble so? + Will reason dawn in that glassy stare + If I dandle it briskly? OH!!! + Grandmothers! Mothers! or Instinct, you! + Haste with your secret lore! + What, oh what shall I, what shall I do? + Baby has crashed to the floor! + + * * * * * + + "They adjourned to the Village Hell, where each child was + presented with a parcel of suitable clothing."--_Tonbridge + Free Press_. + +Asbestos, no doubt. + + * * * * * + +A PRANCING PRUSSIAN. + + (_Showing how Colonel VON REUTER, late of Zabern, appealed to + his regiment to defend the honour of the Army. The following + speech is based upon evidence given at the Strassburg trial._) + + My Prussian braves, on whom devolves the mission + To vindicate our gallant Army's worth, + Upholding in its present proud position + The noblest fighting instrument on earth-- + If, in your progress, any vile civilian + Declines the homage of the lifted hat, + Your business is to paint his chest vermilion-- + Kindly attend to that. + + Never leave barracks, when you go a-shopping, + Without an escort loaded up with lead; + Always maintain a desultory popping + At anyone who wags a wanton head; + If, as he passes, some low boy should whistle + With nose in air and shameless chin out-thrust, + Making your scandalised moustaches bristle-- + Reduce the dog to dust. + + I hear a sinister and shocking rumour + Touching the native tendency to chaff. + If you should meet with specimens of humour + See that our soldiers get the final laugh; + Fling the facetious corpses in the fountains + So as the red blood overflows the brink; + Keep on until the blue Alsatian mountains + Turn a reflective pink. + + Should any female whom your shadow touches + Grudge you the glad, but deferential, eye; + Should any cripple fail to hold his crutches + At the salute as you go marching by; + Draw, in the KAISER's name--'tis rank high treason; + Stun them with sabre-strokes upon the poll; + Then dump them (giving no pedantic reason) + Down cellars with the coal. + + Be on your guard against all people strolling + In ones or twos about the public square + Hard by your quarters; set your men patrolling; + Ask every knave what he is doing there; + And, if in your good wisdom you determine + To view their conduct in a dangerous light, + Bring the machine-guns out and blow the vermin + Into the _Ewigkeit_. + + Enough! I leave our honour in your keeping. + What are your bright swords for except to slay? + Preserve their lustre; let me see them leaping + Out of their scabbards twenty times a day; + Unless we smash these craven churls like crockery + To prove our right of place within the sun, + Our martial prestige has become a mockery + And Deutschland's day is done! + + O.S. + + * * * * * + + "The dancing, in the conventional bullet style, of Miss Sybil + Roe, was quite good."--_Wiltshire Times_. + +We confess that the bullet style is too fast for us. + + * * * * * + + "In all the best dress ateliers classic evening gowns are now + being exhibited, and in many of these the lines of the corsage + closely resemble the draperies to be seen on the Venus de + Milo."--_Daily Mail_. + +We must go and look at the Venus de Milo's corsage again. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW JOURNAL-INSURANCE. + + [Several newspapers have been roused to a sense of their + duties to their readers by the insurance competition between + _The Chronicle_ and _The Mail_. We make a few preliminary + announcements of other insurance schemes which are not yet + contemplated.] + +_VOTES FOR WOMEN_.--A copy of the current issue nailed to your front +door insures you absolutely against arson. + +_THE STAR_.--All regular subscribers to _The Star_ are insured with +the proprietors of _The Daily News_ for £1,000 in the event of being +welshed on any race-course. + +_THE NATIONAL REVIEW_.--Annual subscribers to _The National Review_ +are guaranteed £10,000 in the event of being (a) robbed on the highway +by a member of the present Ministry; (b) defrauded by a member of the +present Ministry; (c) having house burgled by member of the present +Ministry; (d) having pocket picked by member of present Ministry; +always excluding any act or acts done by the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER in a strictly official capacity. + +_THE CHURCH TIMES_.--All regular subscribers are insured for £500 +against excommunication. £1,000 will be paid to the heirs or assigns +of any reader who loses his head in a conflict with a Bishop (Deans, +Rural Deans, Canons and Archdeacons being excepted from the benefit of +this clause in the policy). + +_THE ENGLISH REVIEW_.--Poetic contributors are insured for £500 in the +event of a prosecution under the Blasphemy Laws. + +_THE DAILY EXPRESS_.--You can sleep soundly in your bed, you can sleep +soundly in your train, if the current issue of _The Daily Express_ +be on your person. All purchasers are insured for £10,000 against any +conflagrations or explosions caused by bombs or combustibles dropped +from German airships. + +_THE BRITISH WEEKLY_.--All readers of _The British Weekly_ are insured +for £1,000 in the event of heart-failure caused by shock while reading +the thrilling stories provided by SILAS, JOSEPH, TIMOTHY and JEREMIAH +HOCKING. + +_THE RECORD_.--£500 will be paid to any annual subscriber forcibly +detained in a convent, provided that at the time of such detention a +copy of the current issue of _The Record_ be in his possession. £1,000 +will be paid to the legal representatives of any reader burnt at the +stake. + +_THE CRICCIETH CHRONICLE_.--£3 a week for life, together with a +poultry farm on a Sutherland deer-forest, to the owner of any shorn +lamb which is found dead in a snow-drift with a copy of the current +issue wrapt round it, to keep it warm. + + * * * * * + +The great world rolls on, but of the master-brains which direct its +movement the man in the street knows nothing. He has never heard +of the Clerk of the Portland Urban District Council; he is entirely +ignorant of Army Order 701. + + "Dear Sir" (writes the Clerk)--"A meeting of the Underhill + Members of the Council will be held to-morrow (Saturday), at 3 + o'clock p.m., in Spring Gardens (Fortuneswell) for the purpose + of selecting a site for the Telegraph Post." + + "With effect from 1st January, 1914" (says the Army Order) + "rewigging of gun sponges will be done by the Ordnance + Department instead of locally as at present." + + * * * * * + + "Inman was seen to greater advantage at yesterday afternoon's + session in this match of 18,000 up, in Edinburgh, than on + any previous day of the match, scoring 1,083 while Aiken was + aggregating the mentally afflicted."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + +One must amuse oneself somehow while the other man is at the table. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SEA-CHANGE. + +TORY CHORUS (_to WINSTON_). "YOU'VE MADE ME LOVE YOU; I DIDN'T WANT TO +DO IT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amiable Uncle_ (_doing some conjuring to amuse the +children_). "SEE, HERE I HAVE A BILLIARD BALL--I AM GOING TO TURN IT +INTO SOMETHING ELSE." + +_First Bored Youngster_ (_to second ditto_). "WHY SHOULD HE? IT'S A +VERY NICE BALL."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO TELL AN EDITOR. + +In view of _The Daily Mail's_ praiseworthy efforts to instruct +applicants for situations in the correct phrasing of letters to +prospective employers, we propose to supply a similar long-felt want, +and give a little advice as to the kind of letter it is desirable to +enclose with contributions to periodicals. + +Begin your letter in a friendly vein, hoping the Editor and his people +are pretty well. Remember also that Editors like to know something +of the characters and histories of their contributors. So let your +communication include a _résumé_ of your personal and literary career. +Don't fall into the error of making your letter too concise. + +The following suggestions may serve to indicate some of the lines of +thought that you might follow:-- + +(1) State where you sent your first manuscript. + +(2) What you thought of it, and of the Editor who returned it. + +(3) Your height and chest measurement (an Editor likes to be on the +safe side). + +(4) State who persuaded you to take up literature, and give height and +chest measurement of same. + +(5) Give a short but optimistic description of your contribution, not +to exceed in length the contribution itself. + +(6) State whether literary genius is rife in your family or has been +rife at any time since 1066. + +(7) Give a list of journals to which you have already sent the +enclosed contribution, and state your reasons for supposing that the +Editors were misguided. Hint that perhaps, after all, their lack of +enterprise was fortunate for the present recipient. + +(8) Mention your hobbies and the different appointments you have held +since the age of twelve, with names and addresses of employers. Also +give your reasons for remaining as long as you did in each situation. + +(9) State how long you have been a subscriber to the journal you are +electing to honour, and whether you think it's worth the money. Point +out any little improvements you consider desirable in its compilation, +and mention other periodicals as perfect examples. Preface these +remarks with some such phrase as this: "Pray don't think I want to +teach you your business, but--" + +(10) Give full list (names and addresses) of friends who have promised +to buy the paper if your contribution appears. + +(11) Give a brief outline, in faultless English, of your religious, +political and police court convictions, your views on Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE, and any ideas you may have about the Law of Copyright. + +Finally, enclose a stamped and addressed envelope for the return of +your article. + + * * * * * + + "It has always been supposed that Charles I. when Prince of + Wales and travelling incognito with the Duke of Buckingham saw + and fell in love with Marie Antoinette." + +Not by us. We always supposed he fell in love with SARAH BERNHARDT. + + * * * * * + +THE SAME OLD STORY. + +We stood in a circle round the parrot's cage and gazed with interest +at its occupant. She (Evangeline) was balancing easily on one leg, +while with the other leg and her beak she tried to peel a monkey-nut. +There are some of us who hate to be watched at meals, particularly +when dealing with the dessert, but Evangeline is not of our number. + +"There," said Mrs. Atherley, "isn't she a beauty?" + +I felt that, as the last to be introduced, I ought to say something. + +"What do you say to a parrot?" I whispered to Miss Atherley. + +"Have a banana," suggested Archie. + +"I believe you say, 'Scratch-a-poll,'" said Miss Atherley, "but I +don't know why." + +"Isn't that rather dangerous? Suppose it retorted 'Scratch your own,' +I shouldn't know a bit how to go on." + +"It can't talk," said Archie. "It's quite a baby--only seven months +old. But it's no good showing it your watch; you must think of some +other way of amusing it." + +"Break it to me, Archie. Have I been asked down solely to amuse the +parrot, or did any of you others want to see me?" + +"Only the parrot," said Archie. + +Evangeline paid no attention to us. She continued to wrestle with the +monkey-nut. I should say that she was a bird not easily amused. + +"Can't it really talk at all?" I asked Mrs. Atherley. + +"Not yet. You see, she's only just come over from South America, and +isn't used to the climate yet." + +"Just the person you'd expect to talk a lot about the weather. I +believe you've been had. Write a little note to the poulterers and ask +if you can change it. You've got a bad one by mistake." + +"We got it as a bird," said Mrs. Atherley with dignity, "not as a +gramophone." + +The next morning Evangeline was as silent as ever. Miss Atherley and I +surveyed it after breakfast. It was still grappling with a monkey-nut, +but no doubt a different one. + +"Isn't it _ever_ going to talk?" I asked. "Really, I thought parrots +were continually chatting." + +"Yes, but they have to be taught--just like you teach a baby." + +"Are you sure? I quite see that you have to teach them any special +things you want them to say, but I thought they were all born with +a few simple obvious remarks, like 'Poor Polly,' or--or 'Dash LLOYD +GEORGE.'" + +"I don't think so," said Miss Atherley. "Not the green ones." + +At dinner that evening, Mr. Atherley being now with us, the question +of Evangeline's education was seriously considered. + +"The only proper method," began Mr. Atherley--"By the way," he said, +turning to me, "you don't know anything about parrots, do you?" + +"No," I said. "You can go on quite safely." + +"The only proper method of teaching a parrot--I got this from a man in +the City this morning--is to give her a word at a time, and to go on +repeating it over and over again until she's got hold of it." + +"And after that the parrot goes on repeating it over and over again +until you've got sick of it," said Archie. + +"Then we shall have to be very careful what word we choose," said Mrs. +Atherley. + +"What is your favourite word?" + +"Well, really--" + +"Animal, vegetable or mineral?" asked Archie. + +"This is quite impossible. Every word by itself seems so silly." + +"Not 'home' and 'mother,'" I said reproachfully. + +"You shall recite your little piece in the drawing-room afterwards," +said Miss Atherley to me. "Think of something sensible now." + +"Yes," said Mrs. Atherley. "What's the latest word from London?" + +"Kikuyu." + +"What?" + +"I can't say it again," I protested. + +"If you can't even say it twice, it's no good for Evangeline." + +A thoughtful silence fell upon us. + +"Have you fixed on a name for her yet?" Miss Atherley asked her +mother. + +"Evangeline, of course." + +"No, I mean a name for her to call _you_. Because if she's going +to call you 'Auntie' or 'Darling,' or whatever you decide on, you'd +better start by teaching her that." + +And then I had a brilliant idea. + +"I've got the very word," I said. "It's 'hallo.' You see, it's a +pleasant form of greeting to any stranger, and it will go perfectly +with the next word that she's taught, whatever it may be." + +"Supposing it's 'wardrobe,'" suggested Archie, "or 'sardine'?" + +"Why not? 'Hallo, Sardine' is the perfect title for a _revue_. Witty, +subtle, neat--probably the great brain of the Revue King has already +evolved it, and is planning the opening scene." + +"Yes, 'hallo' isn't at all bad," said Mr. Atherley. "Anyway, it's +better than 'Poor Polly,' which is simply morbid. Let's fix on +'hallo.'" + +"Good," said Mrs. Atherley. + +Evangeline said nothing, being asleep under her blanket. + + * * * * * + +I was down first next morning, having forgotten to wind up my watch +overnight. Longing for company I took the blanket off Evangeline's +cage and introduced her to the world again. She stirred sleepily, +opened her eyes and blinked at me. + +"Hallo, Evangeline," I said. + +She made no reply. + +Suddenly a splendid scheme occurred to me. I would teach Evangeline +her word now. How it would surprise the others when they came down and +said "Hallo" to her, to find themselves promptly answered back! + +"Evangeline," I said, "listen. Hallo, hallo, hallo, hallo." I stopped +a moment and went on more slowly. "Hallo--hallo--hallo." + +It was dull work. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo--hallo," and then very distinctly, +"Hal-_lo_." + +Evangeline looked at me with an utterly bored face. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo." + +She picked up a monkey nut and ate it languidly. + +"Hallo," I went on, "hallo, hallo ... hallo, _hallo_, HALLO, HALLO ... +hallo, hallo--" + +She dropped her nut and roused herself for a moment. + +"Number engaged," she snapped, and took another nut. + + * * * * * + +You needn't believe this. The others didn't when I told them. + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +From "Notes, Questions and Answers" in _T.P.'s Weekly_:-- + + "Author wanted, and where the whole poem can be found:-- + + "Drink to me only with thine eyes, + And I'll not ask for wine." + + C.E.H. + + [Herrick. A collected edition of the poems is published by + J.M. Dent at 1s. net.--ED. N.Q.A.]" + +Afterthought by ED. N.Q.A.: "At least I think it's HERRICK ... or +WORDSWORTH ... but wait till the Editor comes back from Algiers. He's +sure to know." + + * * * * * + + "Sir John Thornycroft kicked off in a football charity match + at Bembridge, Isle of Wight, in which the combined ages of the + players was 440 years."--_Hull Daily Mail_. + +Why not? + + * * * * * + + "M. Timiriazeff, president of the Anglo-British Chamber of + Commerce, followed with a speech."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +We like his Anglo-British name. + + * * * * * + +WINTER SPORTS. + + [_Some additional aspects of the fashionable topic that + seem to have escaped the writers of similar articles in our + contemporaries_.] + +(I.)--BUYING THE HOTEL. + +For this game several players are required, who form themselves into +one or more parties according to numbers. A player, preferably a +woman, is selected as leader, and should possess nerve, coolness, and +an authoritative voice. The object of the game is to secure (1) The +best rooms; (2) Tables with a view; (3) The controlling interest in +all projects of entertainment. It is an important advantage for the +leader to have stayed in the hotel at least once previously. If she +is able to announce on arrival, "Here we are as usual!" and to greet +the proprietor and staff by name, this often gives an initial blow +exceedingly hard to parry. English visitors have been proving very +adept at the sport this season, with Americans a good second. The +German game, on the contrary, is slower and less subtle. + +(II.)--SPOTTING THE PARSON. + +An amusing game that has been very popular at many Swiss resorts +lately, and one that calls for the qualifications of a quick brain +and a keen eye. The universal adoption of sweaters and woollen +caps makes the task of the players one of considerable difficulty. +Envelope-reading should be forbidden by the rules, and some codes even +debar the offering of a _Church Times_ to a suspected stranger. The +_Athenæum_ and _Spectator_ may, however, be freely employed as bait. +A simpler version of the same sport called "HOW MANY SCHOOLMASTERS?" +is often indulged in between December 20th and January 15th, after +which latter date it loses its point. + +Other games, seldom chronicled but inquiring at least as much skill +from their votaries as the better known varieties, are EARLY MORNING +SKI-BAGGING--at which the Germans frequently carry all before +them--and PRESSING THE PRESS-PHOTOGRAPHER, where the object of all the +players is to appear recognizably in a snap-shot for the illustrated +journals. At this the record score of three weekly and five daily +papers has been held for two successive seasons by the same player, a +gentleman whose dexterity is the subject of universal admiration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE--_Interior of box at Fancy Dress Ball_. + +_Host of Party_. "I SAY, BETTY, I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A CITY +FRIEND OF MINE, _MR. JONES_." + +_Hostess_ (_hospitably_). "HOW D'YOU DO? OH, YOU'RE _AWFULLY_ GOOD!" + +_Host_ (_sotto voce_). "TAKE CARE! HE'S NOT MADE UP AT ALL."] + + * * * * * + +THE WONDER ZOO. + +Canada has evolved a novelty described as a "new beef animal," which +is a blend of the domestic cow and the North American bison. The +resulting prodigy has the ferocious hump and shoulders of the bison, +with the mildly benevolent face of the Herefordshire ox. It must +not, however, be supposed that the old country is behind-hand in such +experiments, as witness the following:-- + +Billingsgate salesmen have lately been supplied with advance copies +of the new Codoyster fish. This epicurean triumph, which owes its +existence to the research of several eminent specialists, is the +result of a blend of the North Sea cod and the finest Whitstable +native. The result is said to reproduce in a remarkable degree the +succulent qualities of the original fish when eaten with oyster sauce, +and caterers are sure to welcome the combination of these popular +items in so handy a form. + +Several fine examples of the Soho chicken have lately appeared upon +the show benches at various important poultry contests. This ingenious +creation, which has long been familiar to the patrons of our less +expensive restaurants (hence the name), is said to possess qualities +of endurance superior to anything previously on the market. Its +muscular development is phenomenal, while the entire elimination of +the liver, and the substitution of four extra drum-sticks for the +ordinary wings and thighs, are noteworthy characteristics. + +Success in another branch of the same endeavour is shown in the latest +report of the Society for the Prolongation of Dachshunds. According +to this the worm-ideal seems at last to be in sight, careful +inter-breeding having now produced a variety called the Processional, +selected specimens of which take from one to two minutes in passing +any given spot. The almost entire disappearance of legs is another +attractive feature. + +Meanwhile Major-Gen. Threebottle writes from Oporto Lodge, Ealing, +strongly protesting against any further complication of the fauna of +these islands, and pointing out that the simple snakes and cats of our +youth were already sufficiently formidable to a nervous invalid like +himself without the addition of such objectionable novelties. + + * * * * * + + "Without warning, while the car was travelling at about + fifteen miles per hour, the tyre of the front wheel + burst."--_Scotsman_. + +Our tyres are much better trained, and each of the four gives a +distinctive cough before bursting. + + * * * * * + + "WAREHOUSEMAN (jun.), clothing dept., large + corporation."--_Advt. in_ "_Glasgow Herald_." + +He should show off the new line in check waistcoats to the best +advantage. + + * * * * * + +THE SECRET OUT. + +AN INTERVIEW. + +He had a coarse confident face, a red nose, a Cockney accent and a +raucous voice. He was dressed as a sluttish woman. + +Directly I saw him I was conscious of a feeling of repulsion, which I +fear my expression must have indicated, for he looked surprised. + +"Why aren't you laughing?" he asked. + +"Why should I laugh?" I asked in return. + +"Because you are looking at me," he said. "I am accustomed to laughter +the instant I appear." + +"Why?" + +"Because I am a funny man," he said. + +"How?" + +"I look funny," he said; "I say funny things; I draw a good salary for +it. If I wasn't funny I shouldn't draw a good salary, should I?" + +"You do draw it," I said guardedly. "Be funny now." + +"'Wait till I catch you bending,'" he said with a violent grimace. +"'What ho! 'Ave a drop of gin, ole dear?'" + +"Be funny now," I repeated. + +He looked bewildered. "I _was_ being funny," he said. "I bring the +house down with that, as a rule." + +"Where?" + +"In panto," he said. + +"Oh!" I replied. "So you're the funny man of a pantomime, are you?" + +"Yes," he said. + +"Which one?" + +"All of them," he said. + +"Good," I replied. "I have long wanted a talk with you. There are +things I want to ask you. Why, for instance, do you always pretend to +be a grimy slum woman?" + +"It seems to be expected," he said. + +"Who expects it? The children?" + +"What children?" + +"The children who go to pantomimes," I said. + +"Oh, those! Well, they laugh," he replied evasively. + +"They like to see you quarrelling with your husband and getting +drunk?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to hear you, as an Ugly Sister in _Cinderella_, singing +'Father's on the booze again; mother's off her chump'?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you as the wife of Ali Baba, finding pawntickets +in your husband's pockets and charging him with spending his money on +flappers?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as The Widow Twankay, visit a race meeting and +get welshed and have your clothes torn off?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as Dick Whittington's mother, telling the cat +that, if he must eat onions, at any rate he can refrain from kissing +her?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as the dame in _Goody Two Shoes_, open a night +club on the strict understanding that it is only for clergymen's +daughters in need of recreation?" + +"They laugh," he said again. + +"But they don't know what you mean?" + +"No. But I'm funny. That's what you don't seem to understand. I'm so +funny that everything I say and do makes them laugh. It doesn't, in +fact, matter _what_ I say." + +"Ah!" I replied, "I have you there! In that case why don't you say a +few simpler and sweeter things?" + +He seemed perplexed. + +"Things," I explained, "that don't want quite so much knowledge of the +seamy side of life?" + +"Go on!" he said derisively. "I haven't got time to mug _that_ up. +I've got my living to get. You don't suppose I invent my jokes, do +you? I collect them. I'm on the Halls the rest of the year, and I hear +them there. There hasn't been a new joke in a pantomime these twenty +years. But what you don't seem to get into your head, mister, is the +fact that I make them laugh. Laugh. I'm a scream, I tell you." + +"And laughter is all you want?" I asked. + +"I must either make people laugh or get 'the bird.'" + +"But hasn't it ever occurred to you," I said, "that children in a +theatre at Christmas time are entitled to have a little fun that +is not wholly connected with sordid domestic affairs and pothouse +commonness?" + +"Never," he said, and I believed him. + +"Haven't you children of your own?" + +"Several." + +"And is that how you amuse them at home?" + +"Of course not. They're too young." + +"How old are they?" + +"From six to thirteen." + +"But that's the age of the children who go to pantomimes," I +suggested. + +"Well, it's different in your own home," he said. "Besides," he added, +"it isn't children I aim at in my jokes. There's other things for +them: the fairy ballets, the comic dog." + +"And what is the audience you aim at?" I asked. "I suppose there is +one definite figure you have in your mind's eye?" + +"Yes," he said, "there is one. The person in the audience that I +always aim at is the silly servant-girl in the front row of the +gallery. That's why I so often say 'girls' before I make a joke. +You've heard me, haven't you?" + +"Haven't I?" I groaned. + + * * * * * + +THE GAME LICENCE. + +It was yesterday afternoon, towards the close of the last beat of our +annual cover shoot, that I perceived a fellow in a yellow waterproof +popping up his head from time to time (at no little risk to his life) +over a dyke some way behind the line of guns. As soon as the beaters +came out he advanced and introduced himself as an Excise Officer, +asking "if this would be a convenient moment to examine the game +licences of the party." + +It was not at all a convenient moment for Walter--who hadn't got one. +My thoughts flew at once to Walter in this crisis, for I knew he was +bound to be had. Walter never does have game licences, season tickets, +adhesive labels, telegraph forms or things of that sort. And as he +had only returned from Canada two days before and this was the first +time that he had been out, and further as he immediately disappeared +and hid behind the hedge, I knew that my worst suspicions must be +confirmed. While the Excise Officer was taking down the names and +addresses of the rest of the party I went after Walter. He was sitting +in the ditch with his head in his hands. + +"If this had happened a few years ago, old chap," he said, "when I +was a younger man, I should have run for it. But to-day I believe that +feller would overhaul me within half-a-mile. My wind's rotten. Do you +think he'll find us here?" + +"Yes," said I, "he is coming this way." + +Walter got up. "There must be some way out of it," he said +thoughtfully, "if one could only think of it." Then he boldly +confronted his accuser. + +"Since you put it to me," he said, "no, I have no game licence. But +fortunately in my case it is not necessary. I am exempt." + +The Officer stared at him a moment. + +"Certainly it is necessary," he said. + +"Kindly show me the form of this licence," said Walter in the most +lordly, off-hand, _de-haut-en-bas_ tone of voice, and the Officer +handed him one belonging to the Major, which he had been scrutinizing. +"This, I perceive," said Walter, when he had read it carefully, "is a +licence or certificate to kill game. It doesn't apply to me." + +"Why not?" + +"Because I haven't killed any game." + +"But you have your gun in your hand at this moment." + +"That is so. This is my gun. But where, I ask you, is my dead game? +The truth is, my dear fellow," he went on, dropping his voice to a +more confidential level, "though it's pretty humiliating to have to +admit it and all that, especially before the beaters--the truth is +that I haven't hit a blamed thing to-day. Rotten, isn't it?" + +Walter isn't much of a shot and there weren't many birds anyway, and +he hadn't been very lucky in his stands--and when one came to think +it over one couldn't just exactly _remember_ anything at all having +fallen to his gun. + +"I call all these fellows to witness," said Walter most impressively, +"that I have killed no game. If it pleases me to discharge my gun, at +short intervals, for the sake of the bang--" + +"You require a gun licence," said the Officer. + +"That is not the point. I may or may not have a gun licence, but our +present controversy relates to a certificate to kill game. Do not let +us confuse the issue." + +It now appeared, however, that the Officer had been waiting behind the +dyke rather longer than we knew. "I myself," he said firmly, "saw you +bring down a cock pheasant at the beginning of the last beat." + +Walter consulted the paper in his hand. "I observe," he said, "that +this licence (or certificate) relates to killing game. There is +nothing said of bringing it down. I may, as you say, have induced a +cock pheasant to descend. I certainly didn't kill him. As a matter of +fact he was lightly touched on the wing, and he ran like a hare." + +"He's in that patch of bracken there," said the Officer. "If you will +send a keeper and a dog with me--" + +"No, I can't do that," said Walter, "unless you can show me a written +authority empowering you, in the KING's name, to borrow keepers and +dogs." + +It was then that the fun began. The Officer went off like a shot +up the hillside, started the old cock, chased him up the ditch and +through the hedge, and finally, to everyone's surprise and delight, +collared him in a corner of the dyke. There were loud cheers from the +enthusiastic crowd, but they were cut short by a sharp warning from +Walter. + +"Be careful how you handle that bird, Sir!" he cried. "If anything +happens to him I shall hold you responsible. I have no reason to +believe that you hold a licence (or certificate) to kill game. If he +suffers a mortal injury I shall report you." + +The Officer began to look rather bewildered and the old cock flapped +his wings. + +"I'll thank you for that bird," said Walter firmly, and he took it and +tucked it comfortably under his arm. + +"What are you going to do with it?" asked the Officer. + +"I am going to nurse it back to health and strength," said Walter. "It +only requires a little close attention. I shall be happy if you will +call in about a week's time to enquire. Good afternoon. I am very +pleased to have met you." And Walter held out his hand. + +Well, that is where the matter rests. If Walter can keep the bird +alive the case against him falls to the ground. If not, I suppose it +means a three-pound licence and a ten-pound fine. He took him straight +back to the Home Farm and secured for him dry and airy quarters in the +poultry run, and did not leave him till he had seen to his comfort in +every way and given minute directions as to his treatment.... + +I am afraid the old cock passed a rather restless night, but he was +able to take part of a warm mash, with two drops of laudanum in it, at +an early hour this morning. At this moment I hear Walter getting out +his motor-bicycle. I fancy he is going for the vet. + + * * * * * + +Says Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER:-- + + "There is a journal in London which has the impertinence to + call itself _The Nation_, but ... it does not represent the + merest fraction of our countrymen." + +Mr. SHORTER's own paper is called, more modestly, _The Sphere_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FUTURE OF BRITISH BOXING. + +_Rough_ (_to policeman who has knocked him down_). "WELL, IT'S WORF +IT. TO ME BELONGS THE CREDIT OF 'AVIN' DISCOVERED A BLOOMIN' WHITE +'OPE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GETTING USED TO THE "SMILING EXPRESSION." + +OUR SUGGESTION FOR A SYSTEM OF ADVANCED PHYSICAL TRAINING FOR PRUSSIAN +OFFICERS BEFORE TAKING UP COMMANDS IN THE ALSATIAN DISTRICT, WHERE THE +POPULACE IS SAID TO BE ADDICTED TO HUMOUR.] + + * * * * * + +OLD FRIENDS. + +I was in the train because I had to go to Birmingham; I was in the +dining car because I had to dine. With all respect to the Company I +cannot pretend that I regarded myself as doing anything remarkable or +distinguished. The little man opposite me, however, felt differently. +I have since been told that they of Birmingham are very proud of their +non-stop train service by both routes. + +"This, Sir," said the stranger, as I lowered my paper to help myself +to a proffered roll--"this is one of the Two-Hour trains." + +"You don't say," said I politely but not encouragingly. + +"Two hours," he repeated impressively. + +"Indeed? Two whole hours and not a moment less?" and I returned to my +paper pending the soup's arrival. + +"Is it not wonderful," he resumed when I was at his mercy again, +"to be travelling at sixty miles an hour and eating soup at the same +time?" + +"Some people eat soup," said I, "and some drink it. For myself, I give +it a miss;" and I returned to the news. + +With the fish: "I came up by the breakfast train this morning," said +he, "and I now return by the dining train." He meant by this to give +credit to the Company rather than to himself, but even so it seemed to +fall short of the complete ideal. There was something wanting. It was +luncheon, of course. + +"They run luncheon cars too," said he. + +"Then there seems to be no reason why you should ever leave the train +at all," I remarked, seeking refuge again in my paper. In spite, +however, of my coldness, he continued to assail me with similar facts +every time I emerged. Finally he took a sheet of slightly soiled paper +and pencilled on it a schedule of our movements. It ran:-- + + Mileage. Place. Time. + + -- Euston 6.55 P.M. + 5½ Willesden [7.4] " + 17½ Watford [7.18] " + 46¾ Bletchley [7.50] " + 82¼ Rugby [8.24] " + 94¼ Coventry [8.36] " + 113 Birmingham 8.55 " + +"To give this the very careful consideration it deserves," said I, "I +must be left absolutely to myself." + +Later on, feeling that I had perhaps been rude, I offered the man a +cigar by way of compensation. He accepted it as a mark of esteem and +burst forth into more conversation. By now a little fed up with trains +himself he suggested, for the sake of something new to say, that he +had met me before somewhere. At first I had some idea of asking for my +cigar to be returned, but instead I gave in to his persistence. More, +I joined in the conversation with an energy which surprised him. + +"Now I come to think of it we _have_ seen each other before; but +where?" I said. + +He thought promiscuously, disconnectedly and aloud. I could accept +none of his suggestions because all referred to commercial rooms in +provincial hotels, places to which I have not the _entrée_. "But I +know now," I declared brightly; "it was at a place just this side of +London that I saw you first." + +"First?" he asked. + +"Oh yes," said I. "I have seen you more than once. Surely you haven't +forgotten that time at Watford?" + +He felt that I had the advantage of him. "When was that?" he asked. + +"Not very long after the first time; and the next occasion I remember +seeing you was at a place called--called--something beginning with a +B." + +He was quite unable to cope with the situation. + +"And the next time," I continued, "I happened to be passing through +that town where the school is--you know, Rugby. I distinctly recollect +noticing then that you hadn't changed in the least since I last saw +you." + +He couldn't decide whether to be more flattered at my remembering or +more annoyed at his own forgetting. + +"Come, come," I exclaimed, "you surely cannot have forgotten that +little chat we had at Coventry?" + +"Coventry?" he asked. "But how long ago was that?" + +"Quite recently," I asserted. + +"But I haven't set foot in Coventry for years," said he. + +"Nor have I, ever," said I. + +I could understand his feelings thoroughly. It might be that I was a +liar; it might be that I was a lunatic. In either case he did not wish +to converse further with me. Happily, I had two newspapers available. + + * * * * * + +As the speed of our train, in which of old he had taken such a pride, +began to slacken: "And I shouldn't be surprised," I said from behind +my paper, "if you and I saw each other again quite soon. The world is +a small place and these things soon develop into a habit." + +He made no answer from behind his paper. + +"If you ask me when and where" (as in fact he didn't), "I should say +it is just as likely as not to happen at Birmingham at about 8.55 +P.M.," I estimated, relying upon his own schedule. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SAND CAMPAIGN. + +SCENE--_Algeria, on the border of the desert_. + + THE ARAB AND THE CHANCELLOR + WERE WALKING HAND-IN-HAND; + THE LATTER WEPT A LOT TO SEE + SUCH QUANTITIES OF SAND; + "WHY ARE YOU HOLDING UP," HE SAID, + "THIS VERY FERTILE LAND?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Harold_ (_who has just been kissed by his sister_). "I +SAY, I WONDER WHAT SHE'S UP TO?" + +_Friend_. "SIGN OF AFFECTION, ISN'T IT?" + +_Harold_. "_AFFECTION_, YOU GOAT! SHE NEVER DOES THAT TILL THE LAST +DAY OF THE HOLS, AND THERE'S A WEEK TO GO YET."] + + * * * * * + + "The play was preceded by 'The £12 Hook,' another Barrie + comedy of more recent date."--_Sydney Morning Herald_. + +We should prefer to call it "The £12 Eye." + + * * * * * + + "LABOUR IN SOUTH AFRICA. + BLACK OUTLOOK." + + _Morning Post_. + +Let us hear both sides. What is the White Outlook? + + * * * * * + + "The grievance of the men is in regard to the rate of pay. + They are paid 5½d. per hair."--_Glasgow News_. + +And then when they are old and bald they have to starve. + + * * * * * + + "TANGO RAPIDLY DYING. + DANCE UPHELD BY MR. MAX PEMBERTON." + _Daily Chronicle_. + +This is the sort of thing that the Revue King has to put up with. +Truly the lot of royalty is not an enviable one. + + * * * * * + +From an advertisement of Tango matinées in _The Lyceum_:-- + + "RESERVED TAUTENILS (4 first rows) 10/-- + TAUTENILS (tea included) 7/6 + TAUTENILS (tea not included) 6/--" + +_Gourmet_ (_planking down his seven-and-six_). "Tea and tautenils, +please." + + * * * * * + +Seen on a Liverpool hoarding:-- + + "Quo Vadis: Whither goest thou in eight reels?" + + _Answer_. "Anywhere in reason, but not home." + + * * * * * + +IN THE GARDEN OF ALLAH. + + Weary of the struggle and the squalors + Which beset the politician's life-- + Work that for a modicum of dollars + Brings a whole infinity of strife-- + Three of England's most illustrious cronies + Started on a winter holiday, + With no thought of MURRAY or Marconis-- + GEORGE and HENRY and the great TAY PAY. + + Never since ÆNEAS and his raiders + Stayed with DIDO in the days of yore + Did such irresistible invaders + Land upon the Carthaginian shore. + GEORGE, of course, the largest crowds attended, + But I'm told the kind Algerians say + That ÆNEAS wasn't half so splendid + Or so pious as the good TAY PAY. + + Noble sheikhs and black and bearded Bashas + Bowed, whene'er they met them, to the ground; + Festas and fantasias and tamashas + Followed in a never-ending round. + GEORGE no more on his detractors brooded; + HENRY simply sang the livelong day; + While unmixed benevolence exuded + From the loving heart of kind TAY PAY. + + Side by side they read the works of HICHENS; + Hand in hand they sampled the bazaars; + Ate the sweetmeats cooked in native kitchens; + Flew about in sumptuous motor-cars; + Golfed where once great HANNIBAL was scheming; + Joked where luckless DIDO once held sway; + For the finest jokes were always streaming + From the lips of comical TAY PAY. + + Other days they spent in caracoling, + Mounted each upon a mettled barb, + Or along the streets serenely strolling + Clad in semi-oriental garb; + HENRY with a cummerbund suburban; + GEORGE disguised to look like ENVER BEY; + While a kilt surmounted by a turban + Veiled the massive contours of TAY PAY. + + Daily they partook of ripe and juicy + Fruit, and Mocha coffee and kibobs; + Daily they conversed with EL SENOUSSI + And a lot of other native nobs; + HENRY practised Algerine fandangos; + GEORGE upon the tom-tom learned to play; + And a dervish taught ten Arab tangos + To the light fantastical TAY PAY. + + Whither will they wander next, I wonder? + Not, I hope and pray, within the reach + Of the tribes who live on loot and plunder, + Fanatics who practise what they preach. + Fancy if these horrible disturbers, + Swooping on our countrymen astray, + Touaregs and Bedouins and Berbers, + Carried off the succulent TAY PAY! + + Hardly had this agonizing presage + Taken shape within my tortured brain, + When good REUTER flashed the welcome message, + "Chancellor Returns," across the main. + Neptune, be thy waters calm, not choppy, + As they speed them on their homeward way, + GEORGE and HENRY and, bowed down with "copy," + Our unique arch-eulogist, TAY PAY. + + * * * * * + +THE MARRIED MAN'S ADVANTAGE. + +Personally I think too much respect is paid to age. There is nothing +clever in being old--nothing at all. On the other hand, youth has a +charm of its own. Besides, twenty-two is not young; you wouldn't +think me so if you really knew me. The doubt arises, I suppose, from +a certain innate light-heartedness. It is really rather pathetic. + +Daphne chooses to see humour in the situation, which is very absurd +of her, and, as I point out, merely reflects on herself. Surely she +doesn't wish to admit that it is foolish to love her. + +And that, to make a clean breast of it, is exactly what I do, and do +madly. + +I follow her about, reverently watching her every movement, hanging +on her every word--no light task. And my reward? A scant unceremonious +"Hallo!" when we meet; a scanter "Night" or "Morning," according to +the circumstances, when we part. A brave smile from me and she is +gone, an unwitting spectator of a real tragedy. + +Up to a few days ago I was content to bear with my lot, but last week +I rebelled. It was at a dance, after supper. Daphne had certainly +shown a sort of affection for me, motherly rather than otherwise, +I think; nevertheless an affection. But then, and not for the first +time, I had seen her flirting with another. + +I decided to lose my temper. I went into the smoke-room and +deliberated very close to the fire. In five minutes I left the room +heated. + +I found Daphne at once. + +"Our dance," I said. "We will sit out." + +My manner must have been rather terrifying. At any rate we sat out. + +"Daphne," I began, "I am in a mood that brooks no trifling. For weeks +I have loved you. You spurn me." + +"Oh, Billy, do be sensible," Daphne murmured. + +I moderated my tone. "Well, look here," I said, "why are you so cold +to me and yet flirt with my cousin? I saw you putting his tie straight +and patting his arm just now; and you won't let me even hold your +hand. It's pretty hard, Daphne." + +She laughed. "My dear Billy--" + +"Many thanks for yours of yesterday. I am having a very good time and +it is really kind of me to write." + +"If you won't be sensible--" + +"I am. It's just because I'm so serious that I jest. All the wittiest +men are broken-hearted. Go on." + +"Well, my dear Billy, you mustn't be foolish. I'm very fond of you, +but you're so ridiculously young." + +"You haven't a revolver about you?" I enquired. + +Daphne sighed. "Billy, you're quite hopeless. Do let me try to +explain. You see, I can't--well--flirt with you, because I don't +really flirt, of course, and besides your cousin's different--he's +married." + +I got up quickly. "Good-bye," I said. "You must excuse my leaving +you." + +Daphne looked surprised. "Where are you going?" she enquired. + +"To get married." I walked away with my head in the air. + + * * * * * + +A week later I wrote Daphne a letter. It ran as follows:-- + +"MY DEAR DAPHNE,--I am going to get married. Tina is nineteen, the +same as you, and is in the chorus of a musical comedy. She has real +jet black hair, so I am quite lucky. I hope you are fonder of me +already. + +Yours devotedly, BILLY." + +In reply, and by return of post, I received an invitation to tea at +Daphne's. Daphne, looking beautiful, was awaiting me. + +"How d'you do?" I said gravely. + +"Billy," Daphne began, "will you be really serious with me?" + +I immediately assumed a business manner and coughed. + +"Well?" I said. + +The word was sharp and incisive, a regular lawyer's question. + +"Of course, you're joking about this chorus girl?" + +"Joking! Daphne, you know I'd do anything for you." + +Daphne smiled. "But, Billy, I shan't like you any better if you marry +her." + +I bit a piece of cake coldly. "I don't understand you, Daphne," I +said. "When I ask you to show me a little affection, only just what +you show others, you tell me I'm young and married men are different. +I arrange to be different at considerable personal sacrifice, and you +tell me you won't like me any better." I swallowed convulsively. + +"But, Billy--dear--you're not actually engaged?" + +"I'm not so sure," I replied. "These girls are wonderfully sharp; and +then, of course, I'm so young." (A good touch.) + +There was a silence. + +"I shall hate you if you marry a chorus girl," said Daphne. + +"Then why did you tell me married men were different?" + +"Because most of them are." Daphne smiled slowly. "I think I might +like you better if you were married to some really nice girl." + +I laughed bitterly. "To you, for instance?" + +"Yes, to me," said Daphne very sweetly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN VIEW OF THE EXAGGERATED AND MISLEADING REPORTS OF +WHAT OCCURS AT THE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN MR. ASQUITH AND MR. BONAR LAW +ON THE ULSTER QUESTION WE VENTURE TO THINK THAT A LITTLE MAKE-UP AND +CAREFUL CHOICE OF RENDEZVOUS WOULD ENABLE THE LEADERS TO HAVE MANY A +LONG CHAT ON THE SUBJECT WITHOUT ANYONE BEING AWARE OF THEIR HAVING +MET.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPREAD OF THE SERVANT-GIRL GRADUATE IDEA. + +(_Interior of a super-kitchen._) + +_Mistress_. "WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING YOUR SOPHOCLES FOR A MOMENT, MARY, +AND RUNNING TO THE POST?"] + + * * * * * + +TO OBEY OR NOT TO OBEY. + +_8th December, 1913._ + +Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook request the pleasure of Mr. Hugh Melbrook's +company at the marriage of their daughter Muriel Irene with Mr. +Adolphus Smith, at St. Peter's, Hashton, on Wednesday, December 31st, +1913, at 1.30 o'clock, and afterwards at _Westlands, Hashton_. + +R.S.V.P. + + +_9th December, 1913._ + +Mr. Hugh Melbrook thanks Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook for the opportunity of +being present at the wedding of their daughter Muriel Irene, but much +regrets that, owing to great pressure of work, he cannot be there. +He desires that Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook should not feel constrained to +alter their present arrangements on that account. + + +_26th December, 1913._ + +MESSRS. HALL, MARK & Co., Silversmiths. + +SIRS,--Kindly despatch at once to the address given below a seasonable +wedding gift, costing no more than the amount of the enclosed postal +order. I send my card for inclusion. Whatever change there may be +please return it to me, and oblige + +Yours faithfully, + +H. MELBROOK. + + +_27th December, 1913._ + +H. MELBROOK, ESQ. + +DEAR SIR,--We are in receipt of your esteemed favour of yesterday's +date and beg to advise you that we have this day forwarded to +the address you gave a handsome cut-glass anchovy dish with a +finely-chased silver lid and tray. We enclose the receipted bill for +the dish, which stands in our list at exactly the amount remitted by +you. + +We are, dear Sir, + +Yours faithfully, + +HALL, MARK & Co. + + +_29th December, 1913._ + +MY DEAR HUGH.--Thank you _very, very_ much for the sweet little +butterdish. It's ripping. Do try to get down, Hugh, there's a good +boy! If you can find time to choose me such a nice present--I know +what you are, it must have taken you hours--surely you could take the +day off for once. Say yes. + +In tremendous haste, and thanking you again and again, + +Your affectionate cousin, + +MURIEL. + +P.S.--I've just heard that Mr. Parsley, who is to marry us, is very +strict about _obedient_ weddings, and I promised Geraldine I wouldn't +"obey" if she didn't. Now it's my turn. Tell me something to do. + + +_30th December, 1913._ + +MY GOOD MURIEL,--That's a caviare dish! Caviare dishes, I understood, +were all the rage just now, and here am I slaving away to be in the +fashion, and you calmly write back and say, "Thank you very much for +the butt--" My good Muriel! + +I really wanted to send you something quite different, something +equally novel but more seasonable; no less, in fact, than a +nose-muff or nose-warmer. It is a little idea of my own, the Melbrook +"Rhinotherm." Briefly, the mechanism consists of pieces of heated +charcoal, potato or what-not, encased in some non-conducting material, +the whole being then unostentatiously affixed to the frigid end of the +nose. Stupidly, I forgot to take a plaster cast of your nose. You'll +forgive me, won't you? + +And now about coming down on the happy day. I feel very hurt about it. +You know perfectly well that I wanted you to be married on a Saturday, +but you wouldn't. It isn't as though you get married every day, and +I do think you might have considered me a little more. But, even if +I did come, even if by working all night Monday and Tuesday I could +scrape together a few hours of freedom, I know what it would be. I +should never be allowed in the vestry afterwards, while all the fun +was going on. And yet you have the effrontery to sit there and ask my +help in evading your, responsibilities as a married woman. Still, if +you promise to breathe not a word of this to any woman I may marry +hereafter, here's a dead snip for you. Listen! When you come to the +words "to love, cherish and to obey," you simply drop the second "to" +(nobody will miss it) and run the "d" of the "and" into the "obey," +and lo! we have a French word, to wit, _dauber_, meaning to cuff, +drub or belabour. What say you to that, my bonny bride? I think that +deserves an extra large slice of cake, to put under my pillow. And I +say, Muriel, I do hope there won't be any of those rotten cassowary +seeds in it. If there are, for pity's sake rake them out and give them +to someone who likes them. And I'll have his share of the marzipan. + +Your affectionate cousin, + +HUGH. + + +NEWSPAPER EXCERPT. + +... During the service an amusing incident occurred. It was noticed +that the, bride, who is rumoured to have feminist leanings, betrayed +some difficulty in pronouncing the vow of obedience. The Rev. Thos. +Parsley considerately paused and helped her to repeat the words +after him in a clear and audible manner. In an interview with +our representative, Mr. Parsley smilingly explained that he was +determined, in his parish at any rate, to discourage any possible +evasion of the matrimonial vows. He considered that a great deal of +post-nuptial unhappiness was attributable to the lamentable laxity +of the clergy in joining young people in matrimony without requiring +their future relations to be clearly defined at the outset. The young +bride refused to make any comment, but seemed highly amused at the +incident.... + +"_Hashton Weekly Hash._" + + * * * * * + + "A gem ring lost last summer by Franz Schroder while + travelling in a steamer on the Danube, near Prague, was found + inside a carp caught at Mayence by his nephew."--_Manchester + Evening News_. + +The fact that Mayence is not on the Danube need not bother you. Only +last week our uncle lost a white elephant while travelling in a barge +on the Regent's Park Canal, near Maida Vale, and it was found inside +the hat-box of the Editor of _The Manchester Evening News_ by FRANZ +SCHRODER. Bless you, these things are always happening. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irate Cottager._ "Hi! YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY 'EDGE!" + +_Mild Sportsman._ "OH, NO; YOUR HEDGE IS BREAKING MY FALL, AND IF YOU +WILL KINDLY PUSH ME BACK AGAIN I SHALL TRY TO REJOIN MY HORSE."] + + * * * * * + +THE COWARD. + +It is impossible to describe to you exactly how Herbert looked. But +shame, defiance and unconcern were the principal ingredients in his +expression as he stood on the kerb and stared across the road. + +He started guiltily as I approached. + +"Hallo, Herbert!" I began with my customary _bonhomie_. + +"Hallo!" he said dismally. + +"What are you doing here?" I asked sternly. + +"Nothing," said Herbert. "Have you ever noticed what a fine building +that post-office is?" + +"No," I said; "neither have you. Herbert, you are concealing something +from me. What have I done to deserve it? Have I not enjoyed your +confidence these many years, and have you ever known me betray it? Is +it marriage that has changed you thus? Is it--" + +"Shut up," said Herbert. "I'll tell you, if you stop talking." + +I stopped talking. + +"It's this way. My wife and I have had a little discussion. And I +stated my belief that there was nothing in an ordinary way that a +woman could do that a man couldn't. Whereupon she defied me to go out +and--er--buy a bloater. As you see, I have gone out, and--er--" + +"Yes," I said, "you have gone out. Splendid of you! And all that +remains to be done is to buy a bloater. Why not? Yonder, if I mistake +not, is the shop of a bloaterer." + +"But a bloater!" said Herbert. "It isn't fair. If she'd said some +salmon, or a lobster, or even a pound of sausages; or if she'd allowed +me to 'phone for it. It's not as if I'd ever had any practice. It's +not decent to start a beginner on a hand-bought bloater." + +"Tush!" I said. "This is not manly. Remember, our sex is at stake. +Come!" + +I took him by the arm. He advanced under protest. + +Four paces from the shop he stopped abruptly and laughed--a horrible +laugh. + +"Do you know," he said, "I do believe I've come out without a cent on +me." + +"_I_ don't believe it for a moment," I said, "but as it happens I can +lend you pounds and pounds--almost enough for two bloaters." + +Herbert reluctantly found some money in one of the seven pockets he +had not felt in. Then we advanced once more. + +This time there was no going back. Right into the body of the +fishmonger's we strode and stood firmly opposite the salesman. + +"_Now_," I whispered tensely. + +But Herbert hesitated, and even as he wobbled the salesman began his +suggestions. + +"Yes, Sir? Lobsters or prawns, Sir? Some very good salmon this +morning--very fine fish indeed, Sir." + +"Er, as a matter of fact," said Herbert, "we just wanted to know if +you would be so kind as to direct us to the nearest post-office?--the +one just across the road, you know," he added nervously. + +"Herbert," I said in his private ear, "be a man." + +Herbert pulled himself together. "Would you," he said to the salesman, +"would you please let me look at some b-b-blobsters?" + + * * * * * + +A BAD DREAM. + +_Sunday_.--Great news! The plan suggested by the Anglo-German Alliance +Committee is at last to be carried out. There is to be an exchange of +garrisons, that is to say, certain English towns are to be garrisoned +by German regiments, while certain German towns are to have +English garrisons. Our own town, though a small one, is to have +the distinguished honour of being the first to give this mark of +friendship to the world. All the arrangements have been made, and +to-morrow the 901st Prussian regiment of infantry is to march in. +It will be a great day for Dartlebury, and we shall all do our best, +though the public notice has been short, to give our gallant visitors +a warm and truly British reception. + +_Monday_.--Our German friends have arrived. At 11 o'clock this morning +it was announced that they were approaching, headed by their band. The +Mayor, Alderman Farthingale, and the whole Corporation, including the +three Labour members recently elected, immediately proceeded to the +old city wall to meet them. They were accompanied by the municipal +band in full uniform, playing "_Die Wacht am Rhein_," which they had +been assiduously practising. Unfortunately this led to what might have +been a somewhat painful contretemps. On meeting the municipal band the +Prussian commander, Colonel von Brausebrum, halted his soldiers and in +a loud voice declared that our men were playing out of tune. Perhaps +this was true, but the offence was involuntary and in any case it +was hardly serious enough to call for the arrest of the whole band. +Arrested, however, they were, and it was a melancholy sight to see +them marched off by a corporal's guard. Mr. Zundnadel, the chief of +the band, is himself of German origin, and his feelings can be better +imagined than described. The Mayor saved the situation by making an +extremely cordial speech, in which he spoke of the English and the +Germans as ancient brothers-in-arms. The Colonel in his reply said his +mission was a glorious one, and everything would depend on the way +we conducted ourselves. What can he have meant? The march was then +resumed, but another halt was made in the High Street to remove the +French flag which Mucklow, the linen-draper, had very tactlessly stuck +up over his shop. He too was arrested, with wife and family, and was +lodged in jail. Luckily no further incident disturbed the harmony of +the proceedings. + +_Tuesday_.--This morning Lieutenant von Schornstein, while walking in +Brewer's Alley, trod on a piece of banana-skin and fell heavily on +the pavement. As he rose he observed that two small boys were, so he +alleged, laughing at him. He immediately ran after the two urchins, +and was proceeding to put them to the sword when the Brewery men +interfered and disarmed him. He pleaded that his uniform had been +insulted and that it was necessary for him to punish them. "_Ich +muss sie durch den Leib rennen_" were his words. The men, however, +were not inclined to admit the force of this plea, especially as +they understood no German, and they sent him back to barracks in a +taxi-cab. The Mayor at once wired his apologies to the Colonel, and it +is hoped that nothing further will be heard of the incident. I ought +to add that the boys deny that they laughed, but the lieutenant is +certain that they wore a smiling expression. + +The "Friendship Banquet" was held this evening in the Town Hall, +with the Mayor in the chair. No very great enthusiasm was shown, and +when the Mayor, in proposing the health of our visitors, alluded to +the friendly rivalry of the two nations in commerce and the arts of +peace, the Colonel pulled him back into his seat and begged him not +to proceed. "_Maul halten_," he said. The three Labour members of the +Council were afterwards arrested for not having joined with sufficient +heartiness in the singing of "_Deutschland über Alles_." + +_Wednesday_.--A state of siege has been declared in Dartlebury, and +we are all living under martial law. Lord Gruffen was arrested for +having knocked up against a soldier. The magistrates, on leaving the +police-court, were handcuffed and removed to barracks. A crisis is +evidently approaching. + +_Thursday_.--An insurrection started this morning. A huge crowd +attacked the barracks and overpowered all resistance. Blood flowed +like water, but in an hour all was over. There is a strong feeling +that the experiment of the Alliance Committee was a rash one, though +no doubt it was well meant. We live and learn. + + * * * * * + +LOOP! LOOP!! + +(_A STORY OF AERIAL PROWESS IN THE PROVINCES._) + + They said, "He goes a-tumbling through the hollow + And trackless empyrean like a clown, + Head pointed to the earth where weaklings wallow, + Feet up toward the stars; not such renown + Even our lord himself, the bright Apollo, + Gets in his gilded car. For one bob down + You shall behold the thing." "Right-o," I said, + Clapping the old brown bay leaves on my head. + + So to the hangars. Time, about eleven, + The air full chill, the ground a mess of muck, + And long time gazed I on the wintry heaven + And thought of many a deed of Saxon pluck; + How DRAKE, for instance, good old DRAKE of Devon, + Played bowls at Plymouth Hoe. Twelve-thirty struck. + No one had vaulted through the air's abyss; + DRAKE would have plunged tail up an hour ere this. + + Brief interval for lunch, and then a drizzle + Fell on the dreary field. Like some dead moth + The thing remained. Chagrin commenced to sizzle, + And certain people cried, "A thillingth loth." + Others, "Hey, Mister Airman, it's a swizzle!" + Then a stern man came out, and with a cloth + Lightly, as one well used to such a feat, + Swaddled the brute's propeller and its seat. + + The skies grew darkling, and there went a rumour, + "The thing is off; he will not fly to-day;" + And forth we wandered, some in rare ill-humour, + But not, oh, not the bard. Yet this I say-- + There are two kinds of courage: one's a boomer + Avid of gold and glory; this is A, + Crowned with a palm, and in her hands I see + Sheaves of press cuttings. There is also B. + + Not venturesome, this last, to brave the billows, + To beard the panther in his hidden lair, + To probe the epiderms of armadillos, + Nor execute wild cart-wheels in the air; + But who shall say how much Britannia still owes + To B, the kind of courage that can bear + Dauntless to wait, whate'er the skies portend, + (Having paid entrance) to the bitter end? + + The heavenly hero in his suit of leather + Soars through Olympus with the world beneath + Sometimes, and sometimes, owing to the weather, + Scratches his fixtures in the tempest's teeth. + Shall the high gods, who gaze on both together, + Count him the nobler, or confer their wreath + On the brave bull-dog bard, who risks his thews + Standing about all day in thin-soled shoes? + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERE'S ONE I'M SURE YOU'LL LIKE, TREVOR." + +"WHAT IS IT?" + +"_ROBINSON CRUSOE_." + +"IN WHAT LANGUAGE?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Just as one may say of certain novelists that they write at the top +of their voices, so, I think, one might describe Miss VIOLA MEYNELL +as writing in a whisper. This certainly is the effect that _Modern +Lovers_ (SECKER) produced upon me. The gentle method of it invested +the story--which of itself is a very slight thing--with an odd +significance almost impossible to communicate in criticism; but the +reading of a few pages will show you what I mean. The title is apt +enough, for the tale is about nothing but love, as it affects a group +of five young people, three men and two girls. Of the girls, who are +sisters, _Effie Rutherglen_ is the more important and detailed figure. +_Effie_, in the time before the story opens, had an affair with +_Oliver Bligh_; then, summoned North to live with her futile and +uncomprehending parents, she fell (as did her sister _Milly_ and most +of the local spinsters) under the fascination of one _Clive Maxwell_, +who was an author and had appealing eyes and obviously a way with him. +Then _Oliver_ turned up again, and poor _Effie_ didn't know which of +them she wanted. I speak lightly, but, if you think all this made +for comedy, your conception of Miss MEYNELL's methods is very much +at fault. Love to her is very much what it was to _Patience_ in the +opera--by no means a wholly enviable boon. I can hardly praise too +much the exquisite refinement and restraint of her treatment of +commonplace things. But one small point baffled me: _Oliver_ appears +to have been a professional diver and bath-keeper--we are told, +indeed, that he had occupied that position at Rugby (a statement +that I have private and personal reasons for discrediting)--yet we +find him staying as a welcome and honoured guest in the house of the +_Rutherglens_, whom I take to be more or less "county." Surely this, +though of no real importance, is at least remarkable? + + * * * * * + +"What," I asked myself, "is just the matter with this apparently quite +nice book?" (It was _Joan's Green Year_, and written by E.L. DOON and +published by MACMILLAN.) It is the kind of book that grows out of a +romantic disposition and an assiduously stuffed commonplace book. It +consists of letters from _Joan_, a paying guest in the Manor House +Farm at Pelton, to her brother _Keith_, a soldier in India, telling +him all about her year of holiday and "soul discipline" in the +country, the village gossip, her proposals and her one acceptance, and +giving a sort of farmer's calendar of the seasons as interpreted by +the guileless amateur. _Joan_ has what is known as a nice mind. But +to tell truth she has chosen a difficult and dangerous if alluring art +form. Of course letters enable you to evade some of the difficulties +of the novelist's task, to be discursive, allusive and incomplete. But +you can't be let off anything of the precision and subtlety of your +characterisation. On the contrary. And _Joan_ makes everyone in Pelton +(except the rustics, whose authenticity I gravely suspect) talk +as _Joan_ writes. They have nearly all seen her commonplace book, +I judge. Then, again, you must not have (like _Joan_) a large list +of acquaintances, or you breed confusion and dissipate interest +accordingly. _Joan_ is very young in many ways. She is extravagant in +the matter of the equipment of her heroes. _Bob Ingleby_, the farmer +(a gentleman, because he had been at Winchester), is a "great comely +giant," yet wins events one and three of the Hunt Steeplechase, though +thrown badly in number two. I have a suspicion that this work is +really _Joan's_ tee shot, and that after a notable recovery, which on +the best of her present form I can safely prophesy, she will reach her +green year next time. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. T.P. O'CONNOR has written a fascinating book. _My Beloved South_ +she calls it, and PUTNAMS publish it. There is not a lifeless page +in the 427 that make up a bountiful feast. Every one contains vivid +reproductions of incidents in social life in the South "befo' de +wa'" and after. At the outset we make the acquaintance of a typical +Southron, Mrs. O'CONNOR's grandfather, Governor of Florida when it +was still a Territory, with native Indians fighting fiercely for their +land and homes. Mrs. O'CONNOR was, of course, not to the fore in those +early days. But so steeped is she in lore of the South, much of it +gained from the lips of nurses and out-door servants, so keen is her +sympathy, so quick and true her instinct that she is able to revivify +the old scenes and reproduce the atmosphere of the time. The darkey +nurse of earliest childhood lives again, sometimes bringing with +her plantation songs like "Voodoo-Bogey-Boo," quaintly musical. Many +passages of the grandfather's conversations are preserved, in which we +may detect the voice of the gifted granddaughter. But the influence of +heredity is strong, more especially "down South." Also there are many +charming stories redolent of the South. I was about to mention the +page on which will be found the thrilling history of a mule aptly +named "Satan." On reflection I won't spoil the reader's pleasure in +unexpectedly coming upon it somewhere about the middle of the book. +Nobody--man or woman, girl or boy--who begins to read _My Beloved +South_ will skip a page. So the story cannot be overlooked. + + * * * * * + +In _Lost Diaries_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. MAURICE BARING travels by an easy +road to humour, and he does not pound it with too laborious feet. This +is perhaps a fortunate thing, for a farcical reconstruction of history +in the light of modern sentiment and circumstances might easily tire; +a Comic History of England, for instance, is stiffer reading to-day +than GARDNER or GREEN. Sometimes, however, Mr. BARING seems to carry +to extreme lengths his conscientious avoidance of efforts to be funny; +and in the imaginary records of one or two of his subjects there is +little more to laugh at than the unaided fancy of the student has long +ago perceived. _Tristram_ loved two _Iseults_, and JOHN MILTON was +an exasperating husband; but these things I knew, and the author of +_Lost Diaries_ has made no more capital out of the situations than +the eternal merriment which the bare statement of the facts inspires. +But where Mr. BARING, pleasantly disdainful alike of consistency +and taste, examines the pocket-book of the "Man in the Iron Mask," +and finds him complaining of the noise and disturbance in dungeon +after dungeon until he is removed at last to the lotus island of the +Bastille; or records the blameless botanical pursuits of TIBERIUS in +seclusion; or the first consumption of the Colla di Gallo by COLUMBUS +in the newly discovered West, he is, for all the simplicity of his +methods, amusing enough. Yet even so I am inclined to think that the +first of his essays, which reads like an actual transcript from the +jottings of a nineteenth-century private-school boy, is the diary +which I most heartily congratulate Mr. BARING on having rediscovered, +and which I should be least willing for him to lose again. + + * * * * * + +With the Land Question staring us in the face, _Folk of the Furrow_ +(SMITH ELDER) should attract the attention of those who wish +thoroughly to understand what the agricultural labourer wants and +why he wants it. Mr. CHRISTOPHER HOLDENBY is no amateur, for as Mr. +STEPHEN REYNOLDS has lived with fishermen and shared their daily lives +so he has lodged in labourers' cottages and hoed and dug with the +best (and worst) of them. The result is a book that is stamped with +the hall-mark of a great sincerity; and three facts at least can be +gathered from it by the very dullest of gleaners. First, and I think +foremost, that the decencies of life cannot be observed if children +of very various ages are to be crowded into cottages too small to hold +them; secondly, that it is useless to expect morality from youths who +have few or no amusements provided for them; thirdly, that the passing +of the old families and the advent of the week-end "merchant princes" +do not make a change for the better. All which may be stale news, but +after reading this book I think that you will admit that Mr. HOLDENBY +has contrived to make an old tale very impressive. In some instances +it is true that I could bring evidence directly in opposition to his, +but on the whole he deserves well for the way in which he has won the +confidence of a class naturally suspicious and silent, and for his +manner of stating his case. Had I for my sins to cram our M.P.'s for +the debates that lie before them, I should feed them liberally upon +_Folk of the Furrow_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUS REFEREE ORDERING HIMSELF OFF THE GROUND +FOR BEING HASTY TO AN IMPERTINENT PLAYER.] + + * * * * * + +TO MR. CHAMBERLAIN + +ON HIS RETIREMENT FROM PUBLIC LIFE. + + Not yet the end; only the end of strife. + But now--while still the brave unwearied heart, + Fixed upon England, fain to keep its part + In her Imperial life, + + Beats with the old unconquerable pride-- + Now leave to younger limbs the dust and palm, + And let the weary body seek the calm + That comes with eventide. + + There take your rest within the sunset glow, + All feuds forgotten of your fighting days, + Circled with love and laurelled with the praise + Of friend and ancient foe. + + O.S. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 14, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 12536-8.txt or 12536-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/3/12536/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., January 14, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 6, 2004 [EBook #12536] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 146.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 14, 1914.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" + id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>We hear that the CHANCELLOR has, while in North Africa, been + making a close study of camels, with a view to ascertaining the + nature of the last straw which breaks their backs.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is denied that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in order to give a + practical demonstration of his belief in the disarmament idea, + has given instructions that all precautions against attacks on + him by Suffragettes are to be discontinued.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Balkan situation is considered to have undergone a + change for the worse owing to the purchase by Turkey of the + Dreadnought <i>Rio de Janeiro</i>. For ourselves we cannot + subscribe to this view. Is it likely that the Turks, after + paying over £2,000,000 for her, will risk losing this + valuable vessel in war?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>On the day of the marriage of the Teuton Coal-King's + daughter to Lord REDESDALE's son last week there was snow on + the ground. The Coal-King must have shown up very well against + it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Sir REGINALD BRADE is to be the new permanent secretary at + the War Office. Let's hope he has no connection with the firm + of Gold Brade and Red Tape.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It has been discovered that members of a certain Eskimo + tribe have an extra joint in their waists. The news has caused + the greatest excitement among cannibal tribes all over the + world, and it is expected that there will be a huge demand for + these people. Where there are big families to feed the extra + joint will be invaluable.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"OUR RESOLUTION IS TO GO FORWARD IN THE NEW YEAR." + advertises the London General Omnibus Co. A capital idea, this. + Vehicles which simply go backwards are never so + satisfactory.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>After one-hundred-and-fifty-years' careful consideration the + War Office has given permission to the Black Watch and the + King's Royal Rifle Corps to bear on their regimental colours + the honorary distinction "North America, 1763-64," in + recognition of services rendered during the war against the Red + Indians.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Not sixty people visited "La Gioconda" on one of the days + after her return to Paris, when a charge of four shillings was + made for admission, and, towards the end of the day, the smile + is said to have worn a rather forced look.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Who are the best selling modern authors?" asks a + contemporary. We do not like to mention names, but, as readers, + we have been sold by several popular writers lately.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are not surprised that many persons are becoming rather + disgusted with our little amateurish attempts at Winter. + Thousands now go to Switzerland, and Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON is + going even further afield. Meanwhile the Government does + nothing to stem this emigration.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The boxing craze among the French continues. M. VEDRINES, + the intrepid aviator, has taken it up and been practising on M. + Roux's ears.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The German CROWN PRINCE has become a member of the Danzig + Cabinet Makers' Union. Later on he hopes to become a + Chancellor-maker.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Another impending apology? Headlines from <i>The Daily + Chronicle</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"PNEUMONIA ON THE RAND.</p> + + <p>DISCOVERY OF ITS CAUSE.</p> + + <p>SIR ALMROTH WRIGHT'S</p> + + <p>VACCINE TREATMENT."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Could frugality go further? At the golden wedding + celebrations of a Southend couple, a packet of wedding cake was + eaten which had been put away on their marriage day in + 1863.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A soap combine, with a nominal capital of £35,000,000, + is said to have been formed to exploit China; and the Mongols + may yet cease to be a yellow race.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The latest tall story from America is to the effect that + some burglars who broke into the Presbyterian church at + Syracuse, New York, stole a parcel of sermons.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/21-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/21-1.png" + alt="Pantomime fauna." /></a> + + <h3>PANTOMIME FAUNA.</h3><i>Extract from the note-book of + the dramatic critic of "the Wampton Clarion</i>":— + <a href="images/21-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/21-2.png" + alt="Extract." /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>YOUNG MOTHER'S SWAN-SONG.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>["It was better for a young mother to start her new + chapter unhampered: the less she knew the better it was for + her."—<i>Mrs. Annie Swan</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How do you take a baby up?</p> + + <p class="i2">What does it like to eat?</p> + + <p>Do you put rusks in a feeding cup?</p> + + <p class="i2">Have you to mince its meat?</p> + + <p>Haven't I heard them speak of pap?</p> + + <p class="i2">Isn't there caudle too?</p> + + <p>How do you keep the thing on your lap?</p> + + <p class="i2">Why are its eyes askew?</p> + + <p>Is it a touch of original sin</p> + + <p class="i2">Causes an infant to squall,</p> + + <p>Or trust misplaced in a safety-pin</p> + + <p class="i2">Lost in the depths of a shawl?</p> + + <p>When do you "shorten" a growing child</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Is</i> it so much too long)?</p> + + <p>Should legs be lopped or the scalp be filed?</p> + + <p class="i2">Both in a sense seem wrong.</p> + + <p>"Kitchy," I think I have heard them say;</p> + + <p class="i2">What shall I make it kitch?</p> + + <p>"Bo" I believe in a mystic way</p> + + <p class="i2">Frightens or soothes, but which?</p> + + <p>Didn't I see one once reversed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Patted about the spine?</p> + + <p>Is it the way they should all be nursed?</p> + + <p class="i2">Will it agree with mine?</p> + + <p>Surely its gums are strangely bare?</p> + + <p class="i2">Why does it dribble so?</p> + + <p>Will reason dawn in that glassy stare</p> + + <p class="i2">If I dandle it briskly? OH!!!</p> + + <p>Grandmothers! Mothers! or Instinct, you!</p> + + <p class="i2">Haste with your secret lore!</p> + + <p>What, oh what shall I, what shall I do?</p> + + <p class="i2">Baby has crashed to the floor!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"They adjourned to the Village Hell, where each child + was presented with a parcel of suitable + clothing."—<i>Tonbridge Free Press</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Asbestos, no doubt.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" + id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span> + + <h2>A PRANCING PRUSSIAN.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>Showing how Colonel VON REUTER, late of Zabern, + appealed to his regiment to defend the honour of the Army. + The following speech is based upon evidence given at the + Strassburg trial.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My Prussian braves, on whom devolves the mission</p> + + <p class="i2">To vindicate our gallant Army's + worth,</p> + + <p>Upholding in its present proud position</p> + + <p class="i2">The noblest fighting instrument on + earth—</p> + + <p>If, in your progress, any vile civilian</p> + + <p class="i2">Declines the homage of the lifted + hat,</p> + + <p>Your business is to paint his chest + vermilion—</p> + + <p class="i4">Kindly attend to that.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Never leave barracks, when you go a-shopping,</p> + + <p class="i2">Without an escort loaded up with + lead;</p> + + <p>Always maintain a desultory popping</p> + + <p class="i2">At anyone who wags a wanton head;</p> + + <p>If, as he passes, some low boy should whistle</p> + + <p class="i2">With nose in air and shameless chin + out-thrust,</p> + + <p>Making your scandalised moustaches + bristle—</p> + + <p class="i4">Reduce the dog to dust.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I hear a sinister and shocking rumour</p> + + <p class="i2">Touching the native tendency to + chaff.</p> + + <p>If you should meet with specimens of humour</p> + + <p class="i2">See that our soldiers get the final + laugh;</p> + + <p>Fling the facetious corpses in the fountains</p> + + <p class="i2">So as the red blood overflows the + brink;</p> + + <p>Keep on until the blue Alsatian mountains</p> + + <p class="i4">Turn a reflective pink.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Should any female whom your shadow touches</p> + + <p class="i2">Grudge you the glad, but deferential, + eye;</p> + + <p>Should any cripple fail to hold his crutches</p> + + <p class="i2">At the salute as you go marching by;</p> + + <p>Draw, in the KAISER's name—'tis rank high + treason;</p> + + <p class="i2">Stun them with sabre-strokes upon the + poll;</p> + + <p>Then dump them (giving no pedantic reason)</p> + + <p class="i4">Down cellars with the coal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Be on your guard against all people strolling</p> + + <p class="i2">In ones or twos about the public + square</p> + + <p>Hard by your quarters; set your men patrolling;</p> + + <p class="i2">Ask every knave what he is doing + there;</p> + + <p>And, if in your good wisdom you determine</p> + + <p class="i2">To view their conduct in a dangerous + light,</p> + + <p>Bring the machine-guns out and blow the vermin</p> + + <p class="i4">Into the <i>Ewigkeit</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Enough! I leave our honour in your keeping.</p> + + <p class="i2">What are your bright swords for except to + slay?</p> + + <p>Preserve their lustre; let me see them leaping</p> + + <p class="i2">Out of their scabbards twenty times a + day;</p> + + <p>Unless we smash these craven churls like + crockery</p> + + <p class="i2">To prove our right of place within the + sun,</p> + + <p>Our martial prestige has become a mockery</p> + + <p class="i4">And Deutschland's day is done!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The dancing, in the conventional bullet style, of Miss + Sybil Roe, was quite good."—<i>Wiltshire + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We confess that the bullet style is too fast for us.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In all the best dress ateliers classic evening gowns + are now being exhibited, and in many of these the lines of + the corsage closely resemble the draperies to be seen on + the Venus de Milo."—<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We must go and look at the Venus de Milo's corsage + again.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE NEW JOURNAL-INSURANCE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Several newspapers have been roused to a sense of their + duties to their readers by the insurance competition + between <i>The Chronicle</i> and <i>The Mail</i>. We make a + few preliminary announcements of other insurance schemes + which are not yet contemplated.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>VOTES FOR WOMEN</i>.—A copy of the current issue + nailed to your front door insures you absolutely against + arson.</p> + + <p><i>THE STAR</i>.—All regular subscribers to <i>The + Star</i> are insured with the proprietors of <i>The Daily + News</i> for £1,000 in the event of being welshed on any + race-course.</p> + + <p><i>THE NATIONAL REVIEW</i>.—Annual subscribers to + <i>The National Review</i> are guaranteed £10,000 in the + event of being (<i>a</i>) robbed on the highway by a member of + the present Ministry; (<i>b</i>) defrauded by a member of the + present Ministry; (<i>c</i>) having house burgled by member of + the present Ministry; (<i>d</i>) having pocket picked by member + of present Ministry; always excluding any act or acts done by + the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER in a strictly official + capacity.</p> + + <p><i>THE CHURCH TIMES</i>.—All regular subscribers are + insured for £500 against excommunication. £1,000 + will be paid to the heirs or assigns of any reader who loses + his head in a conflict with a Bishop (Deans, Rural Deans, + Canons and Archdeacons being excepted from the benefit of this + clause in the policy).</p> + + <p><i>THE ENGLISH REVIEW</i>.—Poetic contributors are + insured for £500 in the event of a prosecution under the + Blasphemy Laws.</p> + + <p><i>THE DAILY EXPRESS</i>.—You can sleep soundly in + your bed, you can sleep soundly in your train, if the current + issue of <i>The Daily Express</i> be on your person. All + purchasers are insured for £10,000 against any + conflagrations or explosions caused by bombs or combustibles + dropped from German airships.</p> + + <p><i>THE BRITISH WEEKLY</i>.—All readers of <i>The + British Weekly</i> are insured for £1,000 in the event of + heart-failure caused by shock while reading the thrilling + stories provided by SILAS, JOSEPH, TIMOTHY and JEREMIAH + HOCKING.</p> + + <p><i>THE RECORD</i>.—£500 will be paid to any + annual subscriber forcibly detained in a convent, provided that + at the time of such detention a copy of the current issue of + <i>The Record</i> be in his possession. £1,000 will be + paid to the legal representatives of any reader burnt at the + stake.</p> + + <p><i>THE CRICCIETH CHRONICLE</i>.—£3 a week for + life, together with a poultry farm on a Sutherland deer-forest, + to the owner of any shorn lamb which is found dead in a + snow-drift with a copy of the current issue wrapt round it, to + keep it warm.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The great world rolls on, but of the master-brains which + direct its movement the man in the street knows nothing. He has + never heard of the Clerk of the Portland Urban District + Council; he is entirely ignorant of Army Order 701.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Dear Sir" (writes the Clerk)—"A meeting of the + Underhill Members of the Council will be held to-morrow + (Saturday), at 3 o'clock p.m., in Spring Gardens + (Fortuneswell) for the purpose of selecting a site for the + Telegraph Post."</p> + + <p>"With effect from 1st January, 1914" (says the Army + Order) "rewigging of gun sponges will be done by the + Ordnance Department instead of locally as at present."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Inman was seen to greater advantage at yesterday + afternoon's session in this match of 18,000 up, in + Edinburgh, than on any previous day of the match, scoring + 1,083 while Aiken was aggregating the mentally + afflicted."—<i>Nottingham Guardian</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>One must amuse oneself somehow while the other man is at the + table.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" + id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/23.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23.png" + alt="Winston Churchill and Tory chorus." /></a> + + <h3>A SEA-CHANGE.</h3>TORY CHORUS (<i>to WINSTON</i>). + "YOU'VE MADE ME LOVE YOU; I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" + id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:95%;"> + <a href="images/25.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25.png" + alt="Uncle-Magician." /></a> + + <p><i>Amiable Uncle</i> (<i>doing some conjuring to amuse + the children</i>). "SEE, HERE I HAVE A BILLIARD + BALL—I AM GOING TO TURN IT INTO SOMETHING ELSE."</p> + + <p><i>First Bored Youngster</i> (<i>to second ditto</i>). + "WHY SHOULD HE? IT'S A VERY NICE BALL."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WHAT TO TELL AN EDITOR.</h2> + + <p>In view of <i>The Daily Mail's</i> praiseworthy efforts to + instruct applicants for situations in the correct phrasing of + letters to prospective employers, we propose to supply a + similar long-felt want, and give a little advice as to the kind + of letter it is desirable to enclose with contributions to + periodicals.</p> + + <p>Begin your letter in a friendly vein, hoping the Editor and + his people are pretty well. Remember also that Editors like to + know something of the characters and histories of their + contributors. So let your communication include a + <i>résumé</i> of your personal and literary + career. Don't fall into the error of making your letter too + concise.</p> + + <p>The following suggestions may serve to indicate some of the + lines of thought that you might follow:—</p> + + <p>(1) State where you sent your first manuscript.</p> + + <p>(2) What you thought of it, and of the Editor who returned + it.</p> + + <p>(3) Your height and chest measurement (an Editor likes to be + on the safe side).</p> + + <p>(4) State who persuaded you to take up literature, and give + height and chest measurement of same.</p> + + <p>(5) Give a short but optimistic description of your + contribution, not to exceed in length the contribution + itself.</p> + + <p>(6) State whether literary genius is rife in your family or + has been rife at any time since 1066.</p> + + <p>(7) Give a list of journals to which you have already sent + the enclosed contribution, and state your reasons for supposing + that the Editors were misguided. Hint that perhaps, after all, + their lack of enterprise was fortunate for the present + recipient.</p> + + <p>(8) Mention your hobbies and the different appointments you + have held since the age of twelve, with names and addresses of + employers. Also give your reasons for remaining as long as you + did in each situation.</p> + + <p>(9) State how long you have been a subscriber to the journal + you are electing to honour, and whether you think it's worth + the money. Point out any little improvements you consider + desirable in its compilation, and mention other periodicals as + perfect examples. Preface these remarks with some such phrase + as this: "Pray don't think I want to teach you your business, + but—"</p> + + <p>(10) Give full list (names and addresses) of friends who + have promised to buy the paper if your contribution + appears.</p> + + <p>(11) Give a brief outline, in faultless English, of your + religious, political and police court convictions, your views + on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, and any ideas you may have about the Law + of Copyright.</p> + + <p>Finally, enclose a stamped and addressed envelope for the + return of your article.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It has always been supposed that Charles I. when Prince + of Wales and travelling incognito with the Duke of + Buckingham saw and fell in love with Marie Antoinette."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Not by us. We always supposed he fell in love with SARAH + BERNHARDT.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" + id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + + <h2>THE SAME OLD STORY.</h2> + + <p>We stood in a circle round the parrot's cage and gazed with + interest at its occupant. She (Evangeline) was balancing easily + on one leg, while with the other leg and her beak she tried to + peel a monkey-nut. There are some of us who hate to be watched + at meals, particularly when dealing with the dessert, but + Evangeline is not of our number.</p> + + <p>"There," said Mrs. Atherley, "isn't she a beauty?"</p> + + <p>I felt that, as the last to be introduced, I ought to say + something.</p> + + <p>"What do you say to a parrot?" I whispered to Miss + Atherley.</p> + + <p>"Have a banana," suggested Archie.</p> + + <p>"I believe you say, 'Scratch-a-poll,'" said Miss Atherley, + "but I don't know why."</p> + + <p>"Isn't that rather dangerous? Suppose it retorted 'Scratch + your own,' I shouldn't know a bit how to go on."</p> + + <p>"It can't talk," said Archie. "It's quite a baby—only + seven months old. But it's no good showing it your watch; you + must think of some other way of amusing it."</p> + + <p>"Break it to me, Archie. Have I been asked down solely to + amuse the parrot, or did any of you others want to see me?"</p> + + <p>"Only the parrot," said Archie.</p> + + <p>Evangeline paid no attention to us. She continued to wrestle + with the monkey-nut. I should say that she was a bird not + easily amused.</p> + + <p>"Can't it really talk at all?" I asked Mrs. Atherley.</p> + + <p>"Not yet. You see, she's only just come over from South + America, and isn't used to the climate yet."</p> + + <p>"Just the person you'd expect to talk a lot about the + weather. I believe you've been had. Write a little note to the + poulterers and ask if you can change it. You've got a bad one + by mistake."</p> + + <p>"We got it as a bird," said Mrs. Atherley with dignity, "not + as a gramophone."</p> + + <p>The next morning Evangeline was as silent as ever. Miss + Atherley and I surveyed it after breakfast. It was still + grappling with a monkey-nut, but no doubt a different one.</p> + + <p>"Isn't it <i>ever</i> going to talk?" I asked. "Really, I + thought parrots were continually chatting."</p> + + <p>"Yes, but they have to be taught—just like you teach a + baby."</p> + + <p>"Are you sure? I quite see that you have to teach them any + special things you want them to say, but I thought they were + all born with a few simple obvious remarks, like 'Poor Polly,' + or—or 'Dash LLOYD GEORGE.'"</p> + + <p>"I don't think so," said Miss Atherley. "Not the green + ones."</p> + + <p>At dinner that evening, Mr. Atherley being now with us, the + question of Evangeline's education was seriously + considered.</p> + + <p>"The only proper method," began Mr. Atherley—"By the + way," he said, turning to me, "you don't know anything about + parrots, do you?"</p> + + <p>"No," I said. "You can go on quite safely."</p> + + <p>"The only proper method of teaching a parrot—I got + this from a man in the City this morning—is to give her a + word at a time, and to go on repeating it over and over again + until she's got hold of it."</p> + + <p>"And after that the parrot goes on repeating it over and + over again until you've got sick of it," said Archie.</p> + + <p>"Then we shall have to be very careful what word we choose," + said Mrs. Atherley.</p> + + <p>"What is your favourite word?"</p> + + <p>"Well, really—"</p> + + <p>"Animal, vegetable or mineral?" asked Archie.</p> + + <p>"This is quite impossible. Every word by itself seems so + silly."</p> + + <p>"Not 'home' and 'mother,'" I said reproachfully.</p> + + <p>"You shall recite your little piece in the drawing-room + afterwards," said Miss Atherley to me. "Think of something + sensible now."</p> + + <p>"Yes," said Mrs. Atherley. "What's the latest word from + London?"</p> + + <p>"Kikuyu."</p> + + <p>"What?"</p> + + <p>"I can't say it again," I protested.</p> + + <p>"If you can't even say it twice, it's no good for + Evangeline."</p> + + <p>A thoughtful silence fell upon us.</p> + + <p>"Have you fixed on a name for her yet?" Miss Atherley asked + her mother.</p> + + <p>"Evangeline, of course."</p> + + <p>"No, I mean a name for her to call <i>you</i>. Because if + she's going to call you 'Auntie' or 'Darling,' or whatever you + decide on, you'd better start by teaching her that."</p> + + <p>And then I had a brilliant idea.</p> + + <p>"I've got the very word," I said. "It's 'hallo.' You see, + it's a pleasant form of greeting to any stranger, and it will + go perfectly with the next word that she's taught, whatever it + may be."</p> + + <p>"Supposing it's 'wardrobe,'" suggested Archie, "or + 'sardine'?"</p> + + <p>"Why not? 'Hallo, Sardine' is the perfect title for a + <i>revue</i>. Witty, subtle, neat—probably the great + brain of the Revue King has already evolved it, and is planning + the opening scene."</p> + + <p>"Yes, 'hallo' isn't at all bad," said Mr. Atherley. "Anyway, + it's better than 'Poor Polly,' which is simply morbid. Let's + fix on 'hallo.'"</p> + + <p>"Good," said Mrs. Atherley.</p> + + <p>Evangeline said nothing, being asleep under her blanket.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I was down first next morning, having forgotten to wind up + my watch overnight. Longing for company I took the blanket off + Evangeline's cage and introduced her to the world again. She + stirred sleepily, opened her eyes and blinked at me.</p> + + <p>"Hallo, Evangeline," I said.</p> + + <p>She made no reply.</p> + + <p>Suddenly a splendid scheme occurred to me. I would teach + Evangeline her word now. How it would surprise the others when + they came down and said "Hallo" to her, to find themselves + promptly answered back!</p> + + <p>"Evangeline," I said, "listen. Hallo, hallo, hallo, hallo." + I stopped a moment and went on more slowly. + "Hallo—hallo—hallo."</p> + + <p>It was dull work.</p> + + <p>"Hallo," I said, "hallo—hallo—hallo," and then + very distinctly, "Hal-<i>lo</i>."</p> + + <p>Evangeline looked at me with an utterly bored face.</p> + + <p>"Hallo," I said, "hallo—hallo."</p> + + <p>She picked up a monkey nut and ate it languidly.</p> + + <p>"Hallo," I went on, "hallo, hallo ... hallo, <i>hallo</i>, + HALLO, <b>HALLO</b> ... hallo, hallo—"</p> + + <p>She dropped her nut and roused herself for a moment.</p> + + <p>"Number engaged," she snapped, and took another nut.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>You needn't believe this. The others didn't when I told + them.</p> + + <p>A.A.M.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From "Notes, Questions and Answers" in <i>T.P.'s + Weekly</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Author wanted, and where the whole poem can be + found:—</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">"Drink to me only with thine eyes,</p> + + <p class="i4">And I'll not ask for wine."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">C.E.H.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Herrick. A collected edition of the poems is published + by J.M. Dent at 1s. net.—ED. N.Q.A.]"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Afterthought by ED. N.Q.A.: "At least I think it's HERRICK + ... or WORDSWORTH ... but wait till the Editor comes back from + Algiers. He's sure to know."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Sir John Thornycroft kicked off in a football charity + match at Bembridge, Isle of Wight, in which the combined + ages of the players was 440 years."—<i>Hull Daily + Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Why not?</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"M. Timiriazeff, president of the Anglo-British Chamber + of Commerce, followed with a speech."—<i>Daily + Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We like his Anglo-British name.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" + id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + + <h2>WINTER SPORTS.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Some additional aspects of the fashionable topic + that seem to have escaped the writers of similar articles + in our contemporaries</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>(I.)—BUYING THE HOTEL.</h4> + + <p>For this game several players are required, who form + themselves into one or more parties according to numbers. A + player, preferably a woman, is selected as leader, and should + possess nerve, coolness, and an authoritative voice. The object + of the game is to secure (1) The best rooms; (2) Tables with a + view; (3) The controlling interest in all projects of + entertainment. It is an important advantage for the leader to + have stayed in the hotel at least once previously. If she is + able to announce on arrival, "Here we are as usual!" and to + greet the proprietor and staff by name, this often gives an + initial blow exceedingly hard to parry. English visitors have + been proving very adept at the sport this season, with + Americans a good second. The German game, on the contrary, is + slower and less subtle.</p> + + <h4>(II.)—SPOTTING THE PARSON.</h4> + + <p>An amusing game that has been very popular at many Swiss + resorts lately, and one that calls for the qualifications of a + quick brain and a keen eye. The universal adoption of sweaters + and woollen caps makes the task of the players one of + considerable difficulty. Envelope-reading should be forbidden + by the rules, and some codes even debar the offering of a + <i>Church Times</i> to a suspected stranger. The + <i>Athenæum</i> and <i>Spectator</i> may, however, be + freely employed as bait. A simpler version of the same sport + called "HOW MANY SCHOOLMASTERS?" is often indulged in between + December 20th and January 15th, after which latter date it + loses its point.</p> + + <p>Other games, seldom chronicled but inquiring at least as + much skill from their votaries as the better known varieties, + are EARLY MORNING SKI-BAGGING—at which the Germans + frequently carry all before them—and PRESSING THE + PRESS-PHOTOGRAPHER, where the object of all the players is to + appear recognizably in a snap-shot for the illustrated + journals. At this the record score of three weekly and five + daily papers has been held for two successive seasons by the + same player, a gentleman whose dexterity is the subject of + universal admiration.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/27.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/27.png" + alt="At the Fancy Dress Ball." /></a> + SCENE—<i>Interior of box at Fancy Dress Ball</i>. + + <p><i>Host of Party</i>. "I SAY, BETTY, I WANT TO INTRODUCE + YOU TO A CITY FRIEND OF MINE, <i>MR. JONES</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>hospitably</i>). "HOW D'YOU DO? OH, + YOU'RE <i>AWFULLY</i> GOOD!"</p> + + <p><i>Host</i> (<i>sotto voce</i>). "TAKE CARE! HE'S NOT + MADE UP AT ALL."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WONDER ZOO.</h2> + + <p>Canada has evolved a novelty described as a "new beef + animal," which is a blend of the domestic cow and the North + American bison. The resulting prodigy has the ferocious hump + and shoulders of the bison, with the mildly benevolent face of + the Herefordshire ox. It must not, however, be supposed that + the old country is behind-hand in such experiments, as witness + the following:—</p> + + <p>Billingsgate salesmen have lately been supplied with advance + copies of the new Codoyster fish. This epicurean triumph, which + owes its existence to the research of several eminent + specialists, is the result of a blend of the North Sea cod and + the finest Whitstable native. The result is said to reproduce + in a remarkable degree the succulent qualities of the original + fish when eaten with oyster sauce, and caterers are sure to + welcome the combination of these popular items in so handy a + form.</p> + + <p>Several fine examples of the Soho chicken have lately + appeared upon the show benches at various important poultry + contests. This ingenious creation, which has long been familiar + to the patrons of our less expensive restaurants (hence the + name), is said to possess qualities of endurance superior to + anything previously on the market. Its muscular development is + phenomenal, while the entire elimination of the liver, and the + substitution of four extra drum-sticks for the ordinary wings + and thighs, are noteworthy characteristics.</p> + + <p>Success in another branch of the same endeavour is shown in + the latest report of the Society for the Prolongation of + Dachshunds. According to this the worm-ideal seems at last to + be in sight, careful inter-breeding having now produced a + variety called the Processional, selected specimens of which + take from one to two minutes in passing any given spot. The + almost entire disappearance of legs is another attractive + feature.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile Major-Gen. Threebottle writes from Oporto Lodge, + Ealing, strongly protesting against any further complication of + the fauna of these islands, and pointing out that the simple + snakes and cats of our youth were already sufficiently + formidable to a nervous invalid like himself without the + addition of such objectionable novelties.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Without warning, while the car was travelling at about + fifteen miles per hour, the tyre of the front wheel + burst."—<i>Scotsman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Our tyres are much better trained, and each of the four + gives a distinctive cough before bursting.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WAREHOUSEMAN (jun.), clothing dept., large + corporation."—<i>Advt. in</i> "<i>Glasgow + Herald</i>."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>He should show off the new line in check waistcoats to the + best advantage.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" + id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <h2>THE SECRET OUT.</h2> + + <h3>AN INTERVIEW.</h3> + + <p>He had a coarse confident face, a red nose, a Cockney accent + and a raucous voice. He was dressed as a sluttish woman.</p> + + <p>Directly I saw him I was conscious of a feeling of + repulsion, which I fear my expression must have indicated, for + he looked surprised.</p> + + <p>"Why aren't you laughing?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"Why should I laugh?" I asked in return.</p> + + <p>"Because you are looking at me," he said. "I am accustomed + to laughter the instant I appear."</p> + + <p>"Why?"</p> + + <p>"Because I am a funny man," he said.</p> + + <p>"How?"</p> + + <p>"I look funny," he said; "I say funny things; I draw a good + salary for it. If I wasn't funny I shouldn't draw a good + salary, should I?"</p> + + <p>"You do draw it," I said guardedly. "Be funny now."</p> + + <p>"'Wait till I catch you bending,'" he said with a violent + grimace. "'What ho! 'Ave a drop of gin, ole dear?'"</p> + + <p>"Be funny now," I repeated.</p> + + <p>He looked bewildered. "I <i>was</i> being funny," he said. + "I bring the house down with that, as a rule."</p> + + <p>"Where?"</p> + + <p>"In panto," he said.</p> + + <p>"Oh!" I replied. "So you're the funny man of a pantomime, + are you?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," he said.</p> + + <p>"Which one?"</p> + + <p>"All of them," he said.</p> + + <p>"Good," I replied. "I have long wanted a talk with you. + There are things I want to ask you. Why, for instance, do you + always pretend to be a grimy slum woman?"</p> + + <p>"It seems to be expected," he said.</p> + + <p>"Who expects it? The children?"</p> + + <p>"What children?"</p> + + <p>"The children who go to pantomimes," I said.</p> + + <p>"Oh, those! Well, they laugh," he replied evasively.</p> + + <p>"They like to see you quarrelling with your husband and + getting drunk?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said.</p> + + <p>"They like to hear you, as an Ugly Sister in + <i>Cinderella</i>, singing 'Father's on the booze again; + mother's off her chump'?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said.</p> + + <p>"They like to see you as the wife of Ali Baba, finding + pawntickets in your husband's pockets and charging him with + spending his money on flappers?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said.</p> + + <p>"They like to see you, as The Widow Twankay, visit a race + meeting and get welshed and have your clothes torn off?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said.</p> + + <p>"They like to see you, as Dick Whittington's mother, telling + the cat that, if he must eat onions, at any rate he can refrain + from kissing her?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said.</p> + + <p>"They like to see you, as the dame in <i>Goody Two + Shoes</i>, open a night club on the strict understanding that + it is only for clergymen's daughters in need of + recreation?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said again.</p> + + <p>"But they don't know what you mean?"</p> + + <p>"No. But I'm funny. That's what you don't seem to + understand. I'm so funny that everything I say and do makes + them laugh. It doesn't, in fact, matter <i>what</i> I say."</p> + + <p>"Ah!" I replied, "I have you there! In that case why don't + you say a few simpler and sweeter things?"</p> + + <p>He seemed perplexed.</p> + + <p>"Things," I explained, "that don't want quite so much + knowledge of the seamy side of life?"</p> + + <p>"Go on!" he said derisively. "I haven't got time to mug + <i>that</i> up. I've got my living to get. You don't suppose I + invent my jokes, do you? I collect them. I'm on the Halls the + rest of the year, and I hear them there. There hasn't been a + new joke in a pantomime these twenty years. But what you don't + seem to get into your head, mister, is the fact that I make + them laugh. Laugh. I'm a scream, I tell you."</p> + + <p>"And laughter is all you want?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"I must either make people laugh or get 'the bird.'"</p> + + <p>"But hasn't it ever occurred to you," I said, "that children + in a theatre at Christmas time are entitled to have a little + fun that is not wholly connected with sordid domestic affairs + and pothouse commonness?"</p> + + <p>"Never," he said, and I believed him.</p> + + <p>"Haven't you children of your own?"</p> + + <p>"Several."</p> + + <p>"And is that how you amuse them at home?"</p> + + <p>"Of course not. They're too young."</p> + + <p>"How old are they?"</p> + + <p>"From six to thirteen."</p> + + <p>"But that's the age of the children who go to pantomimes," I + suggested.</p> + + <p>"Well, it's different in your own home," he said. "Besides," + he added, "it isn't children I aim at in my jokes. There's + other things for them: the fairy ballets, the comic dog."</p> + + <p>"And what is the audience you aim at?" I asked. "I suppose + there is one definite figure you have in your mind's eye?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," he said, "there is one. The person in the audience + that I always aim at is the silly servant-girl in the front row + of the gallery. That's why I so often say 'girls' before I make + a joke. You've heard me, haven't you?"</p> + + <p>"Haven't I?" I groaned.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GAME LICENCE.</h2> + + <p>It was yesterday afternoon, towards the close of the last + beat of our annual cover shoot, that I perceived a fellow in a + yellow waterproof popping up his head from time to time (at no + little risk to his life) over a dyke some way behind the line + of guns. As soon as the beaters came out he advanced and + introduced himself as an Excise Officer, asking "if this would + be a convenient moment to examine the game licences of the + party."</p> + + <p>It was not at all a convenient moment for Walter—who + hadn't got one. My thoughts flew at once to Walter in this + crisis, for I knew he was bound to be had. Walter never does + have game licences, season tickets, adhesive labels, telegraph + forms or things of that sort. And as he had only returned from + Canada two days before and this was the first time that he had + been out, and further as he immediately disappeared and hid + behind the hedge, I knew that my worst suspicions must be + confirmed. While the Excise Officer was taking down the names + and addresses of the rest of the party I went after Walter. He + was sitting in the ditch with his head in his hands.</p> + + <p>"If this had happened a few years ago, old chap," he said, + "when I was a younger man, I should have run for it. But to-day + I believe that feller would overhaul me within half-a-mile. My + wind's rotten. Do you think he'll find us here?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," said I, "he is coming this way."</p> + + <p>Walter got up. "There must be some way out of it," he said + thoughtfully, "if one could only think of it." Then he boldly + confronted his accuser.</p> + + <p>"Since you put it to me," he said, "no, I have no game + licence. But fortunately in my case it is not necessary. I am + exempt."</p> + + <p>The Officer stared at him a moment.</p> + + <p>"Certainly it is necessary," he said.</p> + + <p>"Kindly show me the form of this licence," said Walter in + the most lordly, off-hand, <i>de-haut-en-bas</i> tone of voice, + and the Officer handed him one belonging to the Major, which he + had been scrutinizing. "This, I perceive," said Walter, when he + had read it carefully, "is a licence or certificate to kill + game. It doesn't apply to me."</p> + + <p>"Why not?"</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" + id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> + + <p>"Because I haven't killed any game."</p> + + <p>"But you have your gun in your hand at this moment."</p> + + <p>"That is so. This is my gun. But where, I ask you, is my + dead game? The truth is, my dear fellow," he went on, dropping + his voice to a more confidential level, "though it's pretty + humiliating to have to admit it and all that, especially before + the beaters—the truth is that I haven't hit a blamed + thing to-day. Rotten, isn't it?"</p> + + <p>Walter isn't much of a shot and there weren't many birds + anyway, and he hadn't been very lucky in his stands—and + when one came to think it over one couldn't just exactly + <i>remember</i> anything at all having fallen to his gun.</p> + + <p>"I call all these fellows to witness," said Walter most + impressively, "that I have killed no game. If it pleases me to + discharge my gun, at short intervals, for the sake of the + bang—"</p> + + <p>"You require a gun licence," said the Officer.</p> + + <p>"That is not the point. I may or may not have a gun licence, + but our present controversy relates to a certificate to kill + game. Do not let us confuse the issue."</p> + + <p>It now appeared, however, that the Officer had been waiting + behind the dyke rather longer than we knew. "I myself," he said + firmly, "saw you bring down a cock pheasant at the beginning of + the last beat."</p> + + <p>Walter consulted the paper in his hand. "I observe," he + said, "that this licence (or certificate) relates to killing + game. There is nothing said of bringing it down. I may, as you + say, have induced a cock pheasant to descend. I certainly + didn't kill him. As a matter of fact he was lightly touched on + the wing, and he ran like a hare."</p> + + <p>"He's in that patch of bracken there," said the Officer. "If + you will send a keeper and a dog with me—"</p> + + <p>"No, I can't do that," said Walter, "unless you can show me + a written authority empowering you, in the KING's name, to + borrow keepers and dogs."</p> + + <p>It was then that the fun began. The Officer went off like a + shot up the hillside, started the old cock, chased him up the + ditch and through the hedge, and finally, to everyone's + surprise and delight, collared him in a corner of the dyke. + There were loud cheers from the enthusiastic crowd, but they + were cut short by a sharp warning from Walter.</p> + + <p>"Be careful how you handle that bird, Sir!" he cried. "If + anything happens to him I shall hold you responsible. I have no + reason to believe that you hold a licence (or certificate) to + kill game. If he suffers a mortal injury I shall report + you."</p> + + <p>The Officer began to look rather bewildered and the old cock + flapped his wings.</p> + + <p>"I'll thank you for that bird," said Walter firmly, and he + took it and tucked it comfortably under his arm.</p> + + <p>"What are you going to do with it?" asked the Officer.</p> + + <p>"I am going to nurse it back to health and strength," said + Walter. "It only requires a little close attention. I shall be + happy if you will call in about a week's time to enquire. Good + afternoon. I am very pleased to have met you." And Walter held + out his hand.</p> + + <p>Well, that is where the matter rests. If Walter can keep the + bird alive the case against him falls to the ground. If not, I + suppose it means a three-pound licence and a ten-pound fine. He + took him straight back to the Home Farm and secured for him dry + and airy quarters in the poultry run, and did not leave him + till he had seen to his comfort in every way and given minute + directions as to his treatment....</p> + + <p>I am afraid the old cock passed a rather restless night, but + he was able to take part of a warm mash, with two drops of + laudanum in it, at an early hour this morning. At this moment I + hear Walter getting out his motor-bicycle. I fancy he is going + for the vet.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Says Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"There is a journal in London which has the impertinence + to call itself <i>The Nation</i>, but ... it does not + represent the merest fraction of our countrymen."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. SHORTER's own paper is called, more modestly, <i>The + Sphere</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/29.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE FUTURE OF BRITISH BOXING.</h3><i>Rough</i> (<i>to + policeman who has knocked him down</i>). "WELL, IT'S WORF + IT. TO ME BELONGS THE CREDIT OF 'AVIN' DISCOVERED A + BLOOMIN' WHITE 'OPE." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" + id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/30.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/30.png" + alt="Prussian officers inspecting the Mona Lisa." /></a> + + <h3>GETTING USED TO THE "SMILING EXPRESSION."</h3>OUR + SUGGESTION FOR A SYSTEM OF ADVANCED PHYSICAL TRAINING FOR + PRUSSIAN OFFICERS BEFORE TAKING UP COMMANDS IN THE ALSATIAN + DISTRICT, WHERE THE POPULACE IS SAID TO BE ADDICTED TO + HUMOUR. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OLD FRIENDS.</h2> + + <p>I was in the train because I had to go to Birmingham; I was + in the dining car because I had to dine. With all respect to + the Company I cannot pretend that I regarded myself as doing + anything remarkable or distinguished. The little man opposite + me, however, felt differently. I have since been told that they + of Birmingham are very proud of their non-stop train service by + both routes.</p> + + <p>"This, Sir," said the stranger, as I lowered my paper to + help myself to a proffered roll—"this is one of the + Two-Hour trains."</p> + + <p>"You don't say," said I politely but not encouragingly.</p> + + <p>"Two hours," he repeated impressively.</p> + + <p>"Indeed? Two whole hours and not a moment less?" and I + returned to my paper pending the soup's arrival.</p> + + <p>"Is it not wonderful," he resumed when I was at his mercy + again, "to be travelling at sixty miles an hour and eating soup + at the same time?"</p> + + <p>"Some people eat soup," said I, "and some drink it. For + myself, I give it a miss;" and I returned to the news.</p> + + <p>With the fish: "I came up by the breakfast train this + morning," said he, "and I now return by the dining train." He + meant by this to give credit to the Company rather than to + himself, but even so it seemed to fall short of the complete + ideal. There was something wanting. It was luncheon, of + course.</p> + + <p>"They run luncheon cars too," said he.</p> + + <p>"Then there seems to be no reason why you should ever leave + the train at all," I remarked, seeking refuge again in my + paper. In spite, however, of my coldness, he continued to + assail me with similar facts every time I emerged. Finally he + took a sheet of slightly soiled paper and pencilled on it a + schedule of our movements. It ran:—</p> + + <table summary="Schedule" + align="center"> + <tr> + <td align="center">Mileage.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Place.</td> + + <td align="right">Time.</td> + + <td></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">—</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Euston</td> + + <td align="right">6.55</td> + + <td align="center">P.M.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">5½</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Willesden</td> + + <td align="right">[7.4]</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">17½</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Watford</td> + + <td align="right">[7.18]</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">46¾</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Bletchley</td> + + <td align="right">[7.50]</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">82¼</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Rugby</td> + + <td align="right">[8.24]</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">94¼</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Coventry</td> + + <td align="right">[8.36]</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">113</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Birmingham</td> + + <td align="right">8.55</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p>"To give this the very careful consideration it deserves," + said I, "I must be left absolutely to myself."</p> + + <p>Later on, feeling that I had perhaps been rude, I offered + the man a cigar by way of compensation. He accepted it as a + mark of esteem and burst forth into more conversation. By now a + little fed up with trains himself he suggested, for the sake of + something new to say, that he had met me before somewhere. At + first I had some idea of asking for my cigar to be returned, + but instead I gave in to his persistence. More, I joined in the + conversation with an energy which surprised him.</p> + + <p>"Now I come to think of it we <i>have</i> seen each other + before; but where?" I said.</p> + + <p>He thought promiscuously, disconnectedly and aloud. I could + accept none of his suggestions because all referred to + commercial rooms in provincial hotels, places to which I have + not the <i>entrée</i>. "But I know now," I declared + brightly; "it was at a place just this side of London that I + saw you first."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" + id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/31.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/31.png" + alt="Algeria." /></a> + + <h3>THE SAND CAMPAIGN.</h3>SCENE—<i>Algeria, on the + border of the desert</i>. + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>THE ARAB AND THE CHANCELLOR</p> + + <p class="i2">WERE WALKING HAND-IN-HAND;</p> + + <p>THE LATTER WEPT A LOT TO SEE</p> + + <p class="i2">SUCH QUANTITIES OF SAND;</p> + + <p>"WHY ARE YOU HOLDING UP," HE SAID,</p> + + <p class="i2">"THIS VERY FERTILE LAND?"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" + id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> + + <p>"First?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"Oh yes," said I. "I have seen you more than once. Surely + you haven't forgotten that time at Watford?"</p> + + <p>He felt that I had the advantage of him. "When was that?" he + asked.</p> + + <p>"Not very long after the first time; and the next occasion I + remember seeing you was at a place + called—called—something beginning with a B."</p> + + <p>He was quite unable to cope with the situation.</p> + + <p>"And the next time," I continued, "I happened to be passing + through that town where the school is—you know, Rugby. I + distinctly recollect noticing then that you hadn't changed in + the least since I last saw you."</p> + + <p>He couldn't decide whether to be more flattered at my + remembering or more annoyed at his own forgetting.</p> + + <p>"Come, come," I exclaimed, "you surely cannot have forgotten + that little chat we had at Coventry?"</p> + + <p>"Coventry?" he asked. "But how long ago was that?"</p> + + <p>"Quite recently," I asserted.</p> + + <p>"But I haven't set foot in Coventry for years," said he.</p> + + <p>"Nor have I, ever," said I.</p> + + <p>I could understand his feelings thoroughly. It might be that + I was a liar; it might be that I was a lunatic. In either case + he did not wish to converse further with me. Happily, I had two + newspapers available.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As the speed of our train, in which of old he had taken such + a pride, began to slacken: "And I shouldn't be surprised," I + said from behind my paper, "if you and I saw each other again + quite soon. The world is a small place and these things soon + develop into a habit."</p> + + <p>He made no answer from behind his paper.</p> + + <p>"If you ask me when and where" (as in fact he didn't), "I + should say it is just as likely as not to happen at Birmingham + at about 8.55 P.M.," I estimated, relying upon his own + schedule.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/33.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/33.png" + alt="Kissed by his sister." /></a> + + <p><i>Harold</i> (<i>who has just been kissed by his + sister</i>). "I SAY, I WONDER WHAT SHE'S UP TO?"</p> + + <p><i>Friend</i>. "SIGN OF AFFECTION, ISN'T IT?"</p> + + <p><i>Harold</i>. "<i>AFFECTION</i>, YOU GOAT! SHE NEVER + DOES THAT TILL THE LAST DAY OF THE HOLS, AND THERE'S A WEEK + TO GO YET."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The play was preceded by 'The £12 Hook,' another + Barrie comedy of more recent date."—<i>Sydney Morning + Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We should prefer to call it "The £12 Eye."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"LABOUR IN SOUTH AFRICA.</p> + + <p>BLACK OUTLOOK."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Morning Post</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Let us hear both sides. What is the White Outlook?</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The grievance of the men is in regard to the rate of + pay. They are paid 5½d. per hair."—<i>Glasgow + News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And then when they are old and bald they have to starve.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"TANGO RAPIDLY DYING.</p> + + <p>DANCE UPHELD BY MR. MAX PEMBERTON."</p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Daily Chronicle</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This is the sort of thing that the Revue King has to put up + with. Truly the lot of royalty is not an enviable one.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From an advertisement of Tango matinées in <i>The + Lyceum</i>:—</p> + + <table summary="list" + align="center"> + <tr> + <td align="left">"RESERVED TAUTENILS (4 first + rows)</td> + + <td>10/—</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">TAUTENILS (tea included)</td> + + <td>7/6</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">TAUTENILS (tea not included)</td> + + <td>6/—"</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p><i>Gourmet</i> (<i>planking down his seven-and-six</i>). + "Tea and tautenils, please."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Seen on a Liverpool hoarding:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Quo Vadis: Whither goest thou in eight reels?"</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. "Anywhere in reason, but not home."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page34" + id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> + + <h2>IN THE GARDEN OF ALLAH.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Weary of the struggle and the squalors</p> + + <p class="i2">Which beset the politician's + life—</p> + + <p>Work that for a modicum of dollars</p> + + <p class="i2">Brings a whole infinity of + strife—</p> + + <p>Three of England's most illustrious cronies</p> + + <p class="i2">Started on a winter holiday,</p> + + <p>With no thought of MURRAY or Marconis—</p> + + <p class="i2">GEORGE and HENRY and the great TAY + PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Never since ÆNEAS and his raiders</p> + + <p class="i2">Stayed with DIDO in the days of yore</p> + + <p>Did such irresistible invaders</p> + + <p class="i2">Land upon the Carthaginian shore.</p> + + <p>GEORGE, of course, the largest crowds attended,</p> + + <p class="i2">But I'm told the kind Algerians say</p> + + <p>That ÆNEAS wasn't half so splendid</p> + + <p class="i2">Or so pious as the good TAY PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Noble sheikhs and black and bearded Bashas</p> + + <p class="i2">Bowed, whene'er they met them, to the + ground;</p> + + <p>Festas and fantasias and tamashas</p> + + <p class="i2">Followed in a never-ending round.</p> + + <p>GEORGE no more on his detractors brooded;</p> + + <p class="i2">HENRY simply sang the livelong day;</p> + + <p>While unmixed benevolence exuded</p> + + <p class="i2">From the loving heart of kind TAY + PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Side by side they read the works of HICHENS;</p> + + <p class="i2">Hand in hand they sampled the + bazaars;</p> + + <p>Ate the sweetmeats cooked in native kitchens;</p> + + <p class="i2">Flew about in sumptuous motor-cars;</p> + + <p>Golfed where once great HANNIBAL was scheming;</p> + + <p class="i2">Joked where luckless DIDO once held + sway;</p> + + <p>For the finest jokes were always streaming</p> + + <p class="i2">From the lips of comical TAY PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Other days they spent in caracoling,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mounted each upon a mettled barb,</p> + + <p>Or along the streets serenely strolling</p> + + <p class="i2">Clad in semi-oriental garb;</p> + + <p>HENRY with a cummerbund suburban;</p> + + <p class="i2">GEORGE disguised to look like ENVER + BEY;</p> + + <p>While a kilt surmounted by a turban</p> + + <p class="i2">Veiled the massive contours of TAY + PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Daily they partook of ripe and juicy</p> + + <p class="i2">Fruit, and Mocha coffee and kibobs;</p> + + <p>Daily they conversed with EL SENOUSSI</p> + + <p class="i2">And a lot of other native nobs;</p> + + <p>HENRY practised Algerine fandangos;</p> + + <p class="i2">GEORGE upon the tom-tom learned to + play;</p> + + <p>And a dervish taught ten Arab tangos</p> + + <p class="i2">To the light fantastical TAY PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Whither will they wander next, I wonder?</p> + + <p class="i2">Not, I hope and pray, within the + reach</p> + + <p>Of the tribes who live on loot and plunder,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fanatics who practise what they + preach.</p> + + <p>Fancy if these horrible disturbers,</p> + + <p class="i2">Swooping on our countrymen astray,</p> + + <p>Touaregs and Bedouins and Berbers,</p> + + <p class="i2">Carried off the succulent TAY PAY!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hardly had this agonizing presage</p> + + <p class="i2">Taken shape within my tortured brain,</p> + + <p>When good REUTER flashed the welcome message,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Chancellor Returns," across the + main.</p> + + <p>Neptune, be thy waters calm, not choppy,</p> + + <p class="i2">As they speed them on their homeward + way,</p> + + <p>GEORGE and HENRY and, bowed down with "copy,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Our unique arch-eulogist, TAY PAY.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MARRIED MAN'S ADVANTAGE.</h2> + + <p>Personally I think too much respect is paid to age. There is + nothing clever in being old—nothing at all. On the other + hand, youth has a charm of its own. Besides, twenty-two is not + young; you wouldn't think me so if you really knew me. The + doubt arises, I suppose, from a certain innate + light-heartedness. It is really rather pathetic.</p> + + <p>Daphne chooses to see humour in the situation, which is very + absurd of her, and, as I point out, merely reflects on herself. + Surely she doesn't wish to admit that it is foolish to love + her.</p> + + <p>And that, to make a clean breast of it, is exactly what I + do, and do madly.</p> + + <p>I follow her about, reverently watching her every movement, + hanging on her every word—no light task. And my reward? A + scant unceremonious "Hallo!" when we meet; a scanter "Night" or + "Morning," according to the circumstances, when we part. A + brave smile from me and she is gone, an unwitting spectator of + a real tragedy.</p> + + <p>Up to a few days ago I was content to bear with my lot, but + last week I rebelled. It was at a dance, after supper. Daphne + had certainly shown a sort of affection for me, motherly rather + than otherwise, I think; nevertheless an affection. But then, + and not for the first time, I had seen her flirting with + another.</p> + + <p>I decided to lose my temper. I went into the smoke-room and + deliberated very close to the fire. In five minutes I left the + room heated.</p> + + <p>I found Daphne at once.</p> + + <p>"Our dance," I said. "We will sit out."</p> + + <p>My manner must have been rather terrifying. At any rate we + sat out.</p> + + <p>"Daphne," I began, "I am in a mood that brooks no trifling. + For weeks I have loved you. You spurn me."</p> + + <p>"Oh, Billy, do be sensible," Daphne murmured.</p> + + <p>I moderated my tone. "Well, look here," I said, "why are you + so cold to me and yet flirt with my cousin? I saw you putting + his tie straight and patting his arm just now; and you won't + let me even hold your hand. It's pretty hard, Daphne."</p> + + <p>She laughed. "My dear Billy—"</p> + + <p>"Many thanks for yours of yesterday. I am having a very good + time and it is really kind of me to write."</p> + + <p>"If you won't be sensible—"</p> + + <p>"I am. It's just because I'm so serious that I jest. All the + wittiest men are broken-hearted. Go on."</p> + + <p>"Well, my dear Billy, you mustn't be foolish. I'm very fond + of you, but you're so ridiculously young."</p> + + <p>"You haven't a revolver about you?" I enquired.</p> + + <p>Daphne sighed. "Billy, you're quite hopeless. Do let me try + to explain. You see, I can't—well—flirt with you, + because I don't really flirt, of course, and besides your + cousin's different—he's married."</p> + + <p>I got up quickly. "Good-bye," I said. "You must excuse my + leaving you."</p> + + <p>Daphne looked surprised. "Where are you going?" she + enquired.</p> + + <p>"To get married." I walked away with my head in the air.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A week later I wrote Daphne a letter. It ran as + follows:—</p> + + <p>"MY DEAR DAPHNE,—I am going to get married. Tina + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" + id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> is nineteen, the same as you, + and is in the chorus of a musical comedy. She has real jet + black hair, so I am quite lucky. I hope you are fonder of me + already.</p> + + <p>Yours devotedly, BILLY."</p> + + <p>In reply, and by return of post, I received an invitation to + tea at Daphne's. Daphne, looking beautiful, was awaiting + me.</p> + + <p>"How d'you do?" I said gravely.</p> + + <p>"Billy," Daphne began, "will you be really serious with + me?"</p> + + <p>I immediately assumed a business manner and coughed.</p> + + <p>"Well?" I said.</p> + + <p>The word was sharp and incisive, a regular lawyer's + question.</p> + + <p>"Of course, you're joking about this chorus girl?"</p> + + <p>"Joking! Daphne, you know I'd do anything for you."</p> + + <p>Daphne smiled. "But, Billy, I shan't like you any better if + you marry her."</p> + + <p>I bit a piece of cake coldly. "I don't understand you, + Daphne," I said. "When I ask you to show me a little affection, + only just what you show others, you tell me I'm young and + married men are different. I arrange to be different at + considerable personal sacrifice, and you tell me you won't like + me any better." I swallowed convulsively.</p> + + <p>"But, Billy—dear—you're not actually + engaged?"</p> + + <p>"I'm not so sure," I replied. "These girls are wonderfully + sharp; and then, of course, I'm so young." (A good touch.)</p> + + <p>There was a silence.</p> + + <p>"I shall hate you if you marry a chorus girl," said + Daphne.</p> + + <p>"Then why did you tell me married men were different?"</p> + + <p>"Because most of them are." Daphne smiled slowly. "I think I + might like you better if you were married to some really nice + girl."</p> + + <p>I laughed bitterly. "To you, for instance?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, to me," said Daphne very sweetly.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/35.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/35.png" + alt="Mr. Asquith and Mr. Bonar Law." /> + </a>IN VIEW OF THE EXAGGERATED AND MISLEADING + REPORTS OF WHAT OCCURS AT THE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN + MR. ASQUITH AND MR. BONAR LAW ON THE ULSTER QUESTION + WE VENTURE TO THINK THAT A LITTLE MAKE-UP AND CAREFUL + CHOICE OF RENDEZVOUS WOULD ENABLE THE LEADERS TO HAVE + MANY A LONG CHAT ON THE SUBJECT WITHOUT ANYONE BEING + AWARE OF THEIR HAVING MET. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" + id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/36.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36.png" + alt="Kitchen scene." /></a> + + <h3>SPREAD OF THE SERVANT-GIRL GRADUATE + IDEA.</h3>(<i>Interior of a super-kitchen.</i>)<br /> + <i>Mistress</i>. "WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING YOUR SOPHOCLES + FOR A MOMENT, MARY, AND RUNNING TO THE POST?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO OBEY OR NOT TO OBEY.</h2> + + <p>8<i>th December</i>, 1913.</p> + + <p>Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook request the pleasure of Mr. Hugh + Melbrook's company at the marriage of their daughter Muriel + Irene with Mr. Adolphus Smith, at St. Peter's, Hashton, on + Wednesday, December 31st, 1913, at 1.30 o'clock, and afterwards + at <i>Westlands, Hashton</i>.</p> + + <p>R.S.V.P.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>9<i>th December</i>, 1913.</p> + + <p>Mr. Hugh Melbrook thanks Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook for the + opportunity of being present at the wedding of their daughter + Muriel Irene, but much regrets that, owing to great pressure of + work, he cannot be there. He desires that Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook + should not feel constrained to alter their present arrangements + on that account.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>26<i>th December</i>, 1913.</p> + + <p>MESSRS. HALL, MARK & Co., Silversmiths.</p> + + <p>SIRS,—Kindly despatch at once to the address given + below a seasonable wedding gift, costing no more than the + amount of the enclosed postal order. I send my card for + inclusion. Whatever change there may be please return it to me, + and oblige</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p>H. MELBROOK.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>27<i>th December</i>, 1913.</p> + + <p>H. MELBROOK, ESQ.</p> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—We are in receipt of your esteemed favour of + yesterday's date and beg to advise you that we have this day + forwarded to the address you gave a handsome cut-glass anchovy + dish with a finely-chased silver lid and tray. We enclose the + receipted bill for the dish, which stands in our list at + exactly the amount remitted by you.</p> + + <p>We are, dear Sir,</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p>HALL, MARK & Co.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>29<i>th December</i>, 1913.</p> + + <p>MY DEAR HUGH.—Thank you <i>very, very</i> much for the + sweet little butterdish. It's ripping. Do try to get down, + Hugh, there's a good boy! If you can find time to choose me + such a nice present—I know what you are, it must have + taken you hours—surely you could take the day off for + once. Say yes.</p> + + <p>In tremendous haste, and thanking you again and again,</p> + + <p>Your affectionate cousin,</p> + + <p>MURIEL.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I've just heard that Mr. Parsley, who is to marry + us, is very strict about <i>obedient</i> weddings, and I + promised Geraldine I wouldn't "obey" if she didn't. Now it's my + turn. Tell me something to do.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>30<i>th December,</i> 1913.</p> + + <p>MY GOOD MURIEL,—That's a caviare dish! Caviare dishes, + I understood, were all the rage just now, and here am I slaving + away to be in the fashion, and you calmly write back and say, + "Thank you very much for the butt—" My good Muriel!</p> + + <p>I really wanted to send you something quite different, + something equally novel but more seasonable; no less, in fact, + than a nose-muff or nose-warmer. It is a little idea of my own, + the Melbrook "Rhinotherm." Briefly, the mechanism consists of + pieces of heated charcoal, potato or what-not, encased in some + non-conducting material, the whole being then unostentatiously + affixed to the frigid end of the nose. Stupidly, I forgot to + take a plaster cast of your nose. You'll forgive me, won't + you?</p> + + <p>And now about coming down on the happy day. I feel very hurt + about it. You know perfectly well that I wanted you to be + married on a Saturday, but you wouldn't. It isn't as though you + get married every day, and I do think you might have considered + me a little more. But, even if I did come, even if by working + all night Monday and Tuesday I could scrape together a few + hours of freedom, I know what it would be. I should never be + allowed in the vestry afterwards, while all the fun was going + on. And yet you have the effrontery to sit there and ask my + help in evading your, responsibilities as a married woman. + Still, if you promise to breathe not a word of this to any + woman I may marry hereafter, here's a dead snip for you. + Listen! When you come to the words "to love, cherish and to + obey," you simply drop the second "to" (nobody will miss it) + and run the "d" of the "and" into the "obey," and lo! we have a + French word, to wit, <i>dauber</i>, meaning to cuff, drub or + belabour. What say you to that, my bonny bride? I think that + deserves an extra large slice of cake, to put under my pillow. + And I say, Muriel, I do hope there won't be any of those rotten + cassowary seeds in it. If there are, for pity's sake rake them + out and give them to someone who likes them. And I'll have his + share of the marzipan.</p> + + <p>Your affectionate cousin,</p> + + <p>HUGH.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>NEWSPAPER EXCERPT.</h4> + + <p>... During the service an amusing incident occurred. It was + noticed that the, bride, who is rumoured to have feminist + leanings, betrayed some difficulty in pronouncing the vow of + obedience. The Rev. Thos. Parsley considerately paused and + helped her to repeat the words after him in a clear and audible + manner. In an interview with our representative, Mr. Parsley + smilingly explained that he was determined, in his parish at + any rate, to discourage any possible evasion of the matrimonial + vows. He considered that a great deal of post-nuptial + unhappiness was attributable to the lamentable laxity of the + clergy in joining young people in matrimony without requiring + their future relations to be clearly defined at the outset. The + young bride refused to make any comment, but seemed highly + amused at the incident....</p> + + <p>"<i>Hashton Weekly Hash.</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A gem ring lost last summer by Franz Schroder while + travelling in a steamer on the Danube, near Prague, was + found inside a carp caught at Mayence by his + nephew."—<i>Manchester Evening News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The fact that Mayence is not on the Danube need not bother + you. Only last week our uncle lost a white elephant while + travelling in a barge on the Regent's Park Canal, near Maida + Vale, and it was found inside the hat-box of the Editor of + <i>The Manchester Evening News</i> by FRANZ SCHRODER. Bless + you, these things are always happening.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page37" + id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/37.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37.png" + alt="A fall at a hedge." /></a> + + <p><i>Irate Cottager.</i> "Hi! YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY + 'EDGE!"</p> + + <p><i>Mild Sportsman.</i> "OH, NO; YOUR HEDGE IS BREAKING + MY FALL, AND IF YOU WILL KINDLY PUSH ME BACK AGAIN I SHALL + TRY TO REJOIN MY HORSE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE COWARD.</h2> + + <p>It is impossible to describe to you exactly how Herbert + looked. But shame, defiance and unconcern were the principal + ingredients in his expression as he stood on the kerb and + stared across the road.</p> + + <p>He started guiltily as I approached.</p> + + <p>"Hallo, Herbert!" I began with my customary + <i>bonhomie</i>.</p> + + <p>"Hallo!" he said dismally.</p> + + <p>"What are you doing here?" I asked sternly.</p> + + <p>"Nothing," said Herbert. "Have you ever noticed what a fine + building that post-office is?"</p> + + <p>"No," I said; "neither have you. Herbert, you are concealing + something from me. What have I done to deserve it? Have I not + enjoyed your confidence these many years, and have you ever + known me betray it? Is it marriage that has changed you thus? + Is it—"</p> + + <p>"Shut up," said Herbert. "I'll tell you, if you stop + talking."</p> + + <p>I stopped talking.</p> + + <p>"It's this way. My wife and I have had a little discussion. + And I stated my belief that there was nothing in an ordinary + way that a woman could do that a man couldn't. Whereupon she + defied me to go out and—er—buy a bloater. As you + see, I have gone out, and—er—"</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "you have gone out. Splendid of you! And all + that remains to be done is to buy a bloater. Why not? Yonder, + if I mistake not, is the shop of a bloaterer."</p> + + <p>"But a bloater!" said Herbert. "It isn't fair. If she'd said + some salmon, or a lobster, or even a pound of sausages; or if + she'd allowed me to 'phone for it. It's not as if I'd ever had + any practice. It's not decent to start a beginner on a + hand-bought bloater."</p> + + <p>"Tush!" I said. "This is not manly. Remember, our sex is at + stake. Come!"</p> + + <p>I took him by the arm. He advanced under protest.</p> + + <p>Four paces from the shop he stopped abruptly and + laughed—a horrible laugh.</p> + + <p>"Do you know," he said, "I do believe I've come out without + a cent on me."</p> + + <p>"<i>I</i> don't believe it for a moment," I said, "but as it + happens I can lend you pounds and pounds—almost enough + for two bloaters."</p> + + <p>Herbert reluctantly found some money in one of the seven + pockets he had not felt in. Then we advanced once more.</p> + + <p>This time there was no going back. Right into the body of + the fishmonger's we strode and stood firmly opposite the + salesman.</p> + + <p>"<i>Now</i>," I whispered tensely.</p> + + <p>But Herbert hesitated, and even as he wobbled the salesman + began his suggestions.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir? Lobsters or prawns, Sir? Some very good salmon + this morning—very fine fish indeed, Sir."</p> + + <p>"Er, as a matter of fact," said Herbert, "we just wanted to + know if you would be so kind as to direct us to the nearest + post-office?—the one just across the road, you know," he + added nervously.</p> + + <p>"Herbert," I said in his private ear, "be a man."</p> + + <p>Herbert pulled himself together. "Would you," he said to the + salesman, "would you please let me look at some + b-b-blobsters?"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page38" + id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span> + + <h2>A BAD DREAM.</h2> + + <p><i>Sunday</i>.—Great news! The plan suggested by the + Anglo-German Alliance Committee is at last to be carried out. + There is to be an exchange of garrisons, that is to say, + certain English towns are to be garrisoned by German regiments, + while certain German towns are to have English garrisons. Our + own town, though a small one, is to have the distinguished + honour of being the first to give this mark of friendship to + the world. All the arrangements have been made, and to-morrow + the 901st Prussian regiment of infantry is to march in. It will + be a great day for Dartlebury, and we shall all do our best, + though the public notice has been short, to give our gallant + visitors a warm and truly British reception.</p> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Our German friends have arrived. At 11 + o'clock this morning it was announced that they were + approaching, headed by their band. The Mayor, Alderman + Farthingale, and the whole Corporation, including the three + Labour members recently elected, immediately proceeded to the + old city wall to meet them. They were accompanied by the + municipal band in full uniform, playing "<i>Die Wacht am + Rhein</i>," which they had been assiduously practising. + Unfortunately this led to what might have been a somewhat + painful contretemps. On meeting the municipal band the Prussian + commander, Colonel von Brausebrum, halted his soldiers and in a + loud voice declared that our men were playing out of tune. + Perhaps this was true, but the offence was involuntary and in + any case it was hardly serious enough to call for the arrest of + the whole band. Arrested, however, they were, and it was a + melancholy sight to see them marched off by a corporal's guard. + Mr. Zundnadel, the chief of the band, is himself of German + origin, and his feelings can be better imagined than described. + The Mayor saved the situation by making an extremely cordial + speech, in which he spoke of the English and the Germans as + ancient brothers-in-arms. The Colonel in his reply said his + mission was a glorious one, and everything would depend on the + way we conducted ourselves. What can he have meant? The march + was then resumed, but another halt was made in the High Street + to remove the French flag which Mucklow, the linen-draper, had + very tactlessly stuck up over his shop. He too was arrested, + with wife and family, and was lodged in jail. Luckily no + further incident disturbed the harmony of the proceedings.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—This morning Lieutenant von + Schornstein, while walking in Brewer's Alley, trod on a piece + of banana-skin and fell heavily on the pavement. As he rose he + observed that two small boys were, so he alleged, laughing at + him. He immediately ran after the two urchins, and was + proceeding to put them to the sword when the Brewery men + interfered and disarmed him. He pleaded that his uniform had + been insulted and that it was necessary for him to punish them. + "<i>Ich muss sie durch den Leib rennen</i>" were his words. The + men, however, were not inclined to admit the force of this + plea, especially as they understood no German, and they sent + him back to barracks in a taxi-cab. The Mayor at once wired his + apologies to the Colonel, and it is hoped that nothing further + will be heard of the incident. I ought to add that the boys + deny that they laughed, but the lieutenant is certain that they + wore a smiling expression.</p> + + <p>The "Friendship Banquet" was held this evening in the Town + Hall, with the Mayor in the chair. No very great enthusiasm was + shown, and when the Mayor, in proposing the health of our + visitors, alluded to the friendly rivalry of the two nations in + commerce and the arts of peace, the Colonel pulled him back + into his seat and begged him not to proceed. "<i>Maul + halten</i>," he said. The three Labour members of the Council + were afterwards arrested for not having joined with sufficient + heartiness in the singing of "<i>Deutschland über + Alles</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—A state of siege has been declared + in Dartlebury, and we are all living under martial law. Lord + Gruffen was arrested for having knocked up against a soldier. + The magistrates, on leaving the police-court, were handcuffed + and removed to barracks. A crisis is evidently approaching.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—An insurrection started this morning. + A huge crowd attacked the barracks and overpowered all + resistance. Blood flowed like water, but in an hour all was + over. There is a strong feeling that the experiment of the + Alliance Committee was a rash one, though no doubt it was well + meant. We live and learn.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LOOP! LOOP!!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A story of aerial prowess in the provinces.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They said, "He goes a-tumbling through the + hollow</p> + + <p class="i2">And trackless empyrean like a clown,</p> + + <p>Head pointed to the earth where weaklings + wallow,</p> + + <p class="i2">Feet up toward the stars; not such + renown</p> + + <p>Even our lord himself, the bright Apollo,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gets in his gilded car. For one bob + down</p> + + <p class="i4">You shall behold the thing." "Right-o," I + said,</p> + + <p class="i4">Clapping the old brown bay leaves on my + head.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So to the hangars. Time, about eleven,</p> + + <p class="i2">The air full chill, the ground a mess of + muck,</p> + + <p>And long time gazed I on the wintry heaven</p> + + <p class="i2">And thought of many a deed of Saxon + pluck;</p> + + <p>How DRAKE, for instance, good old DRAKE of + Devon,</p> + + <p class="i2">Played bowls at Plymouth Hoe. + Twelve-thirty struck.</p> + + <p class="i4">No one had vaulted through the air's + abyss;</p> + + <p class="i4">DRAKE would have plunged tail up an hour + ere this.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Brief interval for lunch, and then a drizzle</p> + + <p class="i2">Fell on the dreary field. Like some dead + moth</p> + + <p>The thing remained. Chagrin commenced to sizzle,</p> + + <p class="i2">And certain people cried, "A thillingth + loth."</p> + + <p>Others, "Hey, Mister Airman, it's a swizzle!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Then a stern man came out, and with a + cloth</p> + + <p class="i4">Lightly, as one well used to such a + feat,</p> + + <p class="i4">Swaddled the brute's propeller and its + seat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The skies grew darkling, and there went a + rumour,</p> + + <p class="i2">"The thing is off; he will not fly + to-day;"</p> + + <p>And forth we wandered, some in rare ill-humour,</p> + + <p class="i2">But not, oh, not the bard. Yet this I + say—</p> + + <p>There are two kinds of courage: one's a boomer</p> + + <p class="i2">Avid of gold and glory; this is A,</p> + + <p class="i4">Crowned with a palm, and in her hands I + see</p> + + <p class="i4">Sheaves of press cuttings. There is also + B.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not venturesome, this last, to brave the + billows,</p> + + <p class="i2">To beard the panther in his hidden + lair,</p> + + <p>To probe the epiderms of armadillos,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor execute wild cart-wheels in the + air;</p> + + <p>But who shall say how much Britannia still owes</p> + + <p class="i2">To B, the kind of courage that can + bear</p> + + <p class="i4">Dauntless to wait, whate'er the skies + portend,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Having paid entrance) to the bitter + end?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The heavenly hero in his suit of leather</p> + + <p class="i2">Soars through Olympus with the world + beneath</p> + + <p>Sometimes, and sometimes, owing to the weather,</p> + + <p class="i2">Scratches his fixtures in the tempest's + teeth.</p> + + <p>Shall the high gods, who gaze on both together,</p> + + <p class="i2">Count him the nobler, or confer their + wreath</p> + + <p class="i4">On the brave bull-dog bard, who risks his + thews</p> + + <p class="i4">Standing about all day in thin-soled + shoes?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>EVOE.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page39" + id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/39.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/39.png" + alt="In a book store." /></a> + + <table summary="dialog" + align="center" + width="80%"> + <tr> + <td>"HERE'S ONE I'M SURE YOU'LL LIKE, TREVOR."</td> + + <td>"WHAT IS IT?"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td>"<i>ROBINSON CRUSOE</i>."</td> + + <td>"IN WHAT LANGUAGE?"</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Just as one may say of certain novelists that they write at + the top of their voices, so, I think, one might describe Miss + VIOLA MEYNELL as writing in a whisper. This certainly is the + effect that <i>Modern Lovers</i> (SECKER) produced upon me. The + gentle method of it invested the story—which of itself is + a very slight thing—with an odd significance almost + impossible to communicate in criticism; but the reading of a + few pages will show you what I mean. The title is apt enough, + for the tale is about nothing but love, as it affects a group + of five young people, three men and two girls. Of the girls, + who are sisters, <i>Effie Rutherglen</i> is the more important + and detailed figure. <i>Effie</i>, in the time before the story + opens, had an affair with <i>Oliver Bligh</i>; then, summoned + North to live with her futile and uncomprehending parents, she + fell (as did her sister <i>Milly</i> and most of the local + spinsters) under the fascination of one <i>Clive Maxwell</i>, + who was an author and had appealing eyes and obviously a way + with him. Then <i>Oliver</i> turned up again, and poor + <i>Effie</i> didn't know which of them she wanted. I speak + lightly, but, if you think all this made for comedy, your + conception of Miss MEYNELL's methods is very much at fault. + Love to her is very much what it was to <i>Patience</i> in the + opera—by no means a wholly enviable boon. I can hardly + praise too much the exquisite refinement and restraint of her + treatment of commonplace things. But one small point baffled + me: <i>Oliver</i> appears to have been a professional diver and + bath-keeper—we are told, indeed, that he had occupied + that position at Rugby (a statement that I have private and + personal reasons for discrediting)—yet we find him + staying as a welcome and honoured guest in the house of the + <i>Rutherglens</i>, whom I take to be more or less "county." + Surely this, though of no real importance, is at least + remarkable?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"What," I asked myself, "is just the matter with this + apparently quite nice book?" (It was <i>Joan's Green Year</i>, + and written by E.L. DOON and published by MACMILLAN.) It is the + kind of book that grows out of a romantic disposition and an + assiduously stuffed commonplace book. It consists of letters + from <i>Joan</i>, a paying guest in the Manor House Farm at + Pelton, to her brother <i>Keith</i>, a soldier in India, + telling him all about her year of holiday and "soul discipline" + in the country, the village gossip, her proposals and her one + acceptance, and giving a sort of farmer's calendar of the + seasons as interpreted by the guileless amateur. <i>Joan</i> + has what is known as a nice mind. But to tell truth she has + chosen a difficult and dangerous if alluring art form. Of + course letters enable you to evade some of the difficulties of + the novelist's task, to be discursive, allusive and incomplete. + But you can't be let off anything of the precision and subtlety + of your characterisation. On the contrary. And <i>Joan</i> + makes everyone in Pelton (except the rustics, whose + authenticity I gravely suspect) talk as <i>Joan</i> writes. + They have nearly all seen her commonplace book, I judge. Then, + again, you must not have (like <i>Joan</i>) a large list of + acquaintances, or you breed confusion and dissipate interest + accordingly. <i>Joan</i> is very young in many ways. She is + extravagant in the matter of the equipment of her heroes. + <i>Bob Ingleby</i>, the farmer (a gentleman, because he had + been at Winchester), is a "great comely giant," yet wins events + one and three of the Hunt Steeplechase, though thrown badly in + number two. I have a suspicion that this work is really + <i>Joan's</i> tee shot, and that after a notable recovery, + which on the best of her present form I can safely prophesy, + she will reach her green year next time.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page40" + id="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span> + + <p>Mrs. T.P. O'CONNOR has written a fascinating book. <i>My + Beloved South</i> she calls it, and PUTNAMS publish it. There + is not a lifeless page in the 427 that make up a bountiful + feast. Every one contains vivid reproductions of incidents in + social life in the South "befo' de wa'" and after. At the + outset we make the acquaintance of a typical Southron, Mrs. + O'CONNOR's grandfather, Governor of Florida when it was still a + Territory, with native Indians fighting fiercely for their land + and homes. Mrs. O'CONNOR was, of course, not to the fore in + those early days. But so steeped is she in lore of the South, + much of it gained from the lips of nurses and out-door + servants, so keen is her sympathy, so quick and true her + instinct that she is able to revivify the old scenes and + reproduce the atmosphere of the time. The darkey nurse of + earliest childhood lives again, sometimes bringing with her + plantation songs like "Voodoo-Bogey-Boo," quaintly musical. + Many passages of the grandfather's conversations are preserved, + in which we may detect the voice of the gifted granddaughter. + But the influence of heredity is strong, more especially "down + South." Also there are many charming stories redolent of the + South. I was about to mention the page on which will be found + the thrilling history of a mule aptly named "Satan." On + reflection I won't spoil the reader's pleasure in unexpectedly + coming upon it somewhere about the middle of the book. + Nobody—man or woman, girl or boy—who begins to read + <i>My Beloved South</i> will skip a page. So the story cannot + be overlooked.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>Lost Diaries</i> (DUCKWORTH) Mr. MAURICE BARING + travels by an easy road to humour, and he does not pound it + with too laborious feet. This is perhaps a fortunate thing, for + a farcical reconstruction of history in the light of modern + sentiment and circumstances might easily tire; a Comic History + of England, for instance, is stiffer reading to-day than + GARDNER or GREEN. Sometimes, however, Mr. BARING seems to carry + to extreme lengths his conscientious avoidance of efforts to be + funny; and in the imaginary records of one or two of his + subjects there is little more to laugh at than the unaided + fancy of the student has long ago perceived. <i>Tristram</i> + loved two <i>Iseults</i>, and JOHN MILTON was an exasperating + husband; but these things I knew, and the author of <i>Lost + Diaries</i> has made no more capital out of the situations than + the eternal merriment which the bare statement of the facts + inspires. But where Mr. BARING, pleasantly disdainful alike of + consistency and taste, examines the pocket-book of the "Man in + the Iron Mask," and finds him complaining of the noise and + disturbance in dungeon after dungeon until he is removed at + last to the lotus island of the Bastille; or records the + blameless botanical pursuits of TIBERIUS in seclusion; or the + first consumption of the Colla di Gallo by COLUMBUS in the + newly discovered West, he is, for all the simplicity of his + methods, amusing enough. Yet even so I am inclined to think + that the first of his essays, which reads like an actual + transcript from the jottings of a nineteenth-century + private-school boy, is the diary which I most heartily + congratulate Mr. BARING on having rediscovered, and which I + should be least willing for him to lose again.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>With the Land Question staring us in the face, <i>Folk of + the Furrow</i> (SMITH ELDER) should attract the attention of + those who wish thoroughly to understand what the agricultural + labourer wants and why he wants it. Mr. CHRISTOPHER HOLDENBY is + no amateur, for as Mr. STEPHEN REYNOLDS has lived with + fishermen and shared their daily lives so he has lodged in + labourers' cottages and hoed and dug with the best (and worst) + of them. The result is a book that is stamped with the + hall-mark of a great sincerity; and three facts at least can be + gathered from it by the very dullest of gleaners. First, and I + think foremost, that the decencies of life cannot be observed + if children of very various ages are to be crowded into + cottages too small to hold them; secondly, that it is useless + to expect morality from youths who have few or no amusements + provided for them; thirdly, that the passing of the old + families and the advent of the week-end "merchant princes" do + not make a change for the better. All which may be stale news, + but after reading this book I think that you will admit that + Mr. HOLDENBY has contrived to make an old tale very impressive. + In some instances it is true that I could bring evidence + directly in opposition to his, but on the whole he deserves + well for the way in which he has won the confidence of a class + naturally suspicious and silent, and for his manner of stating + his case. Had I for my sins to cram our M.P.'s for the debates + that lie before them, I should feed them liberally upon <i>Folk + of the Furrow</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/40.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/40.png" + alt="Conscientious referee." /></a>CONSCIENTIOUS + REFEREE ORDERING HIMSELF OFF THE GROUND FOR BEING + HASTY TO AN IMPERTINENT PLAYER. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO MR. CHAMBERLAIN</h2> + + <h3>ON HIS RETIREMENT FROM PUBLIC LIFE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not yet the end; only the end of strife.</p> + + <p class="i2">But now—while still the brave + unwearied heart,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fixed upon England, fain to keep its + part</p> + + <p class="i4">In her Imperial life,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Beats with the old unconquerable pride—</p> + + <p class="i2">Now leave to younger limbs the dust and + palm,</p> + + <p class="i2">And let the weary body seek the calm</p> + + <p class="i4">That comes with eventide.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There take your rest within the sunset glow,</p> + + <p class="i2">All feuds forgotten of your fighting + days,</p> + + <p class="i2">Circled with love and laurelled with the + praise</p> + + <p class="i4">Of friend and ancient foe.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 14, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 12536-h.htm or 12536-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/3/12536/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., January 14, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 6, 2004 [EBook #12536] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +January 14, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +We hear that the CHANCELLOR has, while in North Africa, been making a +close study of camels, with a view to ascertaining the nature of the +last straw which breaks their backs. + + *** + +It is denied that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in order to give a practical +demonstration of his belief in the disarmament idea, has given +instructions that all precautions against attacks on him by +Suffragettes are to be discontinued. + + *** + +The Balkan situation is considered to have undergone a change for +the worse owing to the purchase by Turkey of the Dreadnought _Rio de +Janeiro_. For ourselves we cannot subscribe to this view. Is it likely +that the Turks, after paying over L2,000,000 for her, will risk losing +this valuable vessel in war? + + *** + +On the day of the marriage of the Teuton Coal-King's daughter to Lord +REDESDALE's son last week there was snow on the ground. The Coal-King +must have shown up very well against it. + + *** + +Sir REGINALD BRADE is to be the new permanent secretary at the War +Office. Let's hope he has no connection with the firm of Gold Brade +and Red Tape. + + *** + +It has been discovered that members of a certain Eskimo tribe have +an extra joint in their waists. The news has caused the greatest +excitement among cannibal tribes all over the world, and it is +expected that there will be a huge demand for these people. Where +there are big families to feed the extra joint will be invaluable. + + *** + +"OUR RESOLUTION IS TO GO FORWARD IN THE NEW YEAR." advertises the +London General Omnibus Co. A capital idea, this. Vehicles which simply +go backwards are never so satisfactory. + + *** + +After one-hundred-and-fifty-years' careful consideration the War +Office has given permission to the Black Watch and the King's +Royal Rifle Corps to bear on their regimental colours the honorary +distinction "North America, 1763-64," in recognition of services +rendered during the war against the Red Indians. + + *** + +Not sixty people visited "La Gioconda" on one of the days after +her return to Paris, when a charge of four shillings was made for +admission, and, towards the end of the day, the smile is said to have +worn a rather forced look. + + *** + +"Who are the best selling modern authors?" asks a contemporary. We +do not like to mention names, but, as readers, we have been sold by +several popular writers lately. + + *** + +We are not surprised that many persons are becoming rather disgusted +with our little amateurish attempts at Winter. Thousands now go to +Switzerland, and Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON is going even further afield. +Meanwhile the Government does nothing to stem this emigration. + + *** + +The boxing craze among the French continues. M. VEDRINES, the intrepid +aviator, has taken it up and been practising on M. Roux's ears. + + *** + +The German CROWN PRINCE has become a member of the Danzig Cabinet +Makers' Union. Later on he hopes to become a Chancellor-maker. + + *** + +Another impending apology? Headlines from _The Daily Chronicle_:-- + + "PNEUMONIA ON THE RAND. + DISCOVERY OF ITS CAUSE. + SIR ALMROTH WRIGHT'S + VACCINE TREATMENT." + + *** + +Could frugality go further? At the golden wedding celebrations of a +Southend couple, a packet of wedding cake was eaten which had been put +away on their marriage day in 1863. + + *** + +A soap combine, with a nominal capital of L35,000,000, is said to have +been formed to exploit China; and the Mongols may yet cease to be a +yellow race. + + *** + +The latest tall story from America is to the effect that some burglars +who broke into the Presbyterian church at Syracuse, New York, stole a +parcel of sermons. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PANTOMIME FAUNA. + +_Extract from the note-book of the dramatic critic of "the Wampton +Clarion_":-- + +Mr. Clarence Fink delighted the Audience with his truly life like +representation of [Crossed-out: a wolf bear lion cat monkey] an animal +of the furry tribe.] + + * * * * * + +YOUNG MOTHER'S SWAN-SONG. + + ["It was better for a young mother to start her new + chapter unhampered: the less she knew the better it was for + her."--_Mrs. Annie Swan_.] + + How do you take a baby up? + What does it like to eat? + Do you put rusks in a feeding cup? + Have you to mince its meat? + Haven't I heard them speak of pap? + Isn't there caudle too? + How do you keep the thing on your lap? + Why are its eyes askew? + Is it a touch of original sin + Causes an infant to squall, + Or trust misplaced in a safety-pin + Lost in the depths of a shawl? + When do you "shorten" a growing child + (_Is_ it so much too long)? + Should legs be lopped or the scalp be filed? + Both in a sense seem wrong. + "Kitchy," I think I have heard them say; + What shall I make it kitch? + "Bo" I believe in a mystic way + Frightens or soothes, but which? + Didn't I see one once reversed, + Patted about the spine? + Is it the way they should all be nursed? + Will it agree with mine? + Surely its gums are strangely bare? + Why does it dribble so? + Will reason dawn in that glassy stare + If I dandle it briskly? OH!!! + Grandmothers! Mothers! or Instinct, you! + Haste with your secret lore! + What, oh what shall I, what shall I do? + Baby has crashed to the floor! + + * * * * * + + "They adjourned to the Village Hell, where each child was + presented with a parcel of suitable clothing."--_Tonbridge + Free Press_. + +Asbestos, no doubt. + + * * * * * + +A PRANCING PRUSSIAN. + + (_Showing how Colonel VON REUTER, late of Zabern, appealed to + his regiment to defend the honour of the Army. The following + speech is based upon evidence given at the Strassburg trial._) + + My Prussian braves, on whom devolves the mission + To vindicate our gallant Army's worth, + Upholding in its present proud position + The noblest fighting instrument on earth-- + If, in your progress, any vile civilian + Declines the homage of the lifted hat, + Your business is to paint his chest vermilion-- + Kindly attend to that. + + Never leave barracks, when you go a-shopping, + Without an escort loaded up with lead; + Always maintain a desultory popping + At anyone who wags a wanton head; + If, as he passes, some low boy should whistle + With nose in air and shameless chin out-thrust, + Making your scandalised moustaches bristle-- + Reduce the dog to dust. + + I hear a sinister and shocking rumour + Touching the native tendency to chaff. + If you should meet with specimens of humour + See that our soldiers get the final laugh; + Fling the facetious corpses in the fountains + So as the red blood overflows the brink; + Keep on until the blue Alsatian mountains + Turn a reflective pink. + + Should any female whom your shadow touches + Grudge you the glad, but deferential, eye; + Should any cripple fail to hold his crutches + At the salute as you go marching by; + Draw, in the KAISER's name--'tis rank high treason; + Stun them with sabre-strokes upon the poll; + Then dump them (giving no pedantic reason) + Down cellars with the coal. + + Be on your guard against all people strolling + In ones or twos about the public square + Hard by your quarters; set your men patrolling; + Ask every knave what he is doing there; + And, if in your good wisdom you determine + To view their conduct in a dangerous light, + Bring the machine-guns out and blow the vermin + Into the _Ewigkeit_. + + Enough! I leave our honour in your keeping. + What are your bright swords for except to slay? + Preserve their lustre; let me see them leaping + Out of their scabbards twenty times a day; + Unless we smash these craven churls like crockery + To prove our right of place within the sun, + Our martial prestige has become a mockery + And Deutschland's day is done! + + O.S. + + * * * * * + + "The dancing, in the conventional bullet style, of Miss Sybil + Roe, was quite good."--_Wiltshire Times_. + +We confess that the bullet style is too fast for us. + + * * * * * + + "In all the best dress ateliers classic evening gowns are now + being exhibited, and in many of these the lines of the corsage + closely resemble the draperies to be seen on the Venus de + Milo."--_Daily Mail_. + +We must go and look at the Venus de Milo's corsage again. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW JOURNAL-INSURANCE. + + [Several newspapers have been roused to a sense of their + duties to their readers by the insurance competition between + _The Chronicle_ and _The Mail_. We make a few preliminary + announcements of other insurance schemes which are not yet + contemplated.] + +_VOTES FOR WOMEN_.--A copy of the current issue nailed to your front +door insures you absolutely against arson. + +_THE STAR_.--All regular subscribers to _The Star_ are insured with +the proprietors of _The Daily News_ for L1,000 in the event of being +welshed on any race-course. + +_THE NATIONAL REVIEW_.--Annual subscribers to _The National Review_ +are guaranteed L10,000 in the event of being (a) robbed on the highway +by a member of the present Ministry; (b) defrauded by a member of the +present Ministry; (c) having house burgled by member of the present +Ministry; (d) having pocket picked by member of present Ministry; +always excluding any act or acts done by the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER in a strictly official capacity. + +_THE CHURCH TIMES_.--All regular subscribers are insured for L500 +against excommunication. L1,000 will be paid to the heirs or assigns +of any reader who loses his head in a conflict with a Bishop (Deans, +Rural Deans, Canons and Archdeacons being excepted from the benefit of +this clause in the policy). + +_THE ENGLISH REVIEW_.--Poetic contributors are insured for L500 in the +event of a prosecution under the Blasphemy Laws. + +_THE DAILY EXPRESS_.--You can sleep soundly in your bed, you can sleep +soundly in your train, if the current issue of _The Daily Express_ +be on your person. All purchasers are insured for L10,000 against any +conflagrations or explosions caused by bombs or combustibles dropped +from German airships. + +_THE BRITISH WEEKLY_.--All readers of _The British Weekly_ are insured +for L1,000 in the event of heart-failure caused by shock while reading +the thrilling stories provided by SILAS, JOSEPH, TIMOTHY and JEREMIAH +HOCKING. + +_THE RECORD_.--L500 will be paid to any annual subscriber forcibly +detained in a convent, provided that at the time of such detention a +copy of the current issue of _The Record_ be in his possession. L1,000 +will be paid to the legal representatives of any reader burnt at the +stake. + +_THE CRICCIETH CHRONICLE_.--L3 a week for life, together with a +poultry farm on a Sutherland deer-forest, to the owner of any shorn +lamb which is found dead in a snow-drift with a copy of the current +issue wrapt round it, to keep it warm. + + * * * * * + +The great world rolls on, but of the master-brains which direct its +movement the man in the street knows nothing. He has never heard +of the Clerk of the Portland Urban District Council; he is entirely +ignorant of Army Order 701. + + "Dear Sir" (writes the Clerk)--"A meeting of the Underhill + Members of the Council will be held to-morrow (Saturday), at 3 + o'clock p.m., in Spring Gardens (Fortuneswell) for the purpose + of selecting a site for the Telegraph Post." + + "With effect from 1st January, 1914" (says the Army Order) + "rewigging of gun sponges will be done by the Ordnance + Department instead of locally as at present." + + * * * * * + + "Inman was seen to greater advantage at yesterday afternoon's + session in this match of 18,000 up, in Edinburgh, than on + any previous day of the match, scoring 1,083 while Aiken was + aggregating the mentally afflicted."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + +One must amuse oneself somehow while the other man is at the table. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SEA-CHANGE. + +TORY CHORUS (_to WINSTON_). "YOU'VE MADE ME LOVE YOU; I DIDN'T WANT TO +DO IT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amiable Uncle_ (_doing some conjuring to amuse the +children_). "SEE, HERE I HAVE A BILLIARD BALL--I AM GOING TO TURN IT +INTO SOMETHING ELSE." + +_First Bored Youngster_ (_to second ditto_). "WHY SHOULD HE? IT'S A +VERY NICE BALL."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO TELL AN EDITOR. + +In view of _The Daily Mail's_ praiseworthy efforts to instruct +applicants for situations in the correct phrasing of letters to +prospective employers, we propose to supply a similar long-felt want, +and give a little advice as to the kind of letter it is desirable to +enclose with contributions to periodicals. + +Begin your letter in a friendly vein, hoping the Editor and his people +are pretty well. Remember also that Editors like to know something +of the characters and histories of their contributors. So let your +communication include a _resume_ of your personal and literary career. +Don't fall into the error of making your letter too concise. + +The following suggestions may serve to indicate some of the lines of +thought that you might follow:-- + +(1) State where you sent your first manuscript. + +(2) What you thought of it, and of the Editor who returned it. + +(3) Your height and chest measurement (an Editor likes to be on the +safe side). + +(4) State who persuaded you to take up literature, and give height and +chest measurement of same. + +(5) Give a short but optimistic description of your contribution, not +to exceed in length the contribution itself. + +(6) State whether literary genius is rife in your family or has been +rife at any time since 1066. + +(7) Give a list of journals to which you have already sent the +enclosed contribution, and state your reasons for supposing that the +Editors were misguided. Hint that perhaps, after all, their lack of +enterprise was fortunate for the present recipient. + +(8) Mention your hobbies and the different appointments you have held +since the age of twelve, with names and addresses of employers. Also +give your reasons for remaining as long as you did in each situation. + +(9) State how long you have been a subscriber to the journal you are +electing to honour, and whether you think it's worth the money. Point +out any little improvements you consider desirable in its compilation, +and mention other periodicals as perfect examples. Preface these +remarks with some such phrase as this: "Pray don't think I want to +teach you your business, but--" + +(10) Give full list (names and addresses) of friends who have promised +to buy the paper if your contribution appears. + +(11) Give a brief outline, in faultless English, of your religious, +political and police court convictions, your views on Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE, and any ideas you may have about the Law of Copyright. + +Finally, enclose a stamped and addressed envelope for the return of +your article. + + * * * * * + + "It has always been supposed that Charles I. when Prince of + Wales and travelling incognito with the Duke of Buckingham saw + and fell in love with Marie Antoinette." + +Not by us. We always supposed he fell in love with SARAH BERNHARDT. + + * * * * * + +THE SAME OLD STORY. + +We stood in a circle round the parrot's cage and gazed with interest +at its occupant. She (Evangeline) was balancing easily on one leg, +while with the other leg and her beak she tried to peel a monkey-nut. +There are some of us who hate to be watched at meals, particularly +when dealing with the dessert, but Evangeline is not of our number. + +"There," said Mrs. Atherley, "isn't she a beauty?" + +I felt that, as the last to be introduced, I ought to say something. + +"What do you say to a parrot?" I whispered to Miss Atherley. + +"Have a banana," suggested Archie. + +"I believe you say, 'Scratch-a-poll,'" said Miss Atherley, "but I +don't know why." + +"Isn't that rather dangerous? Suppose it retorted 'Scratch your own,' +I shouldn't know a bit how to go on." + +"It can't talk," said Archie. "It's quite a baby--only seven months +old. But it's no good showing it your watch; you must think of some +other way of amusing it." + +"Break it to me, Archie. Have I been asked down solely to amuse the +parrot, or did any of you others want to see me?" + +"Only the parrot," said Archie. + +Evangeline paid no attention to us. She continued to wrestle with the +monkey-nut. I should say that she was a bird not easily amused. + +"Can't it really talk at all?" I asked Mrs. Atherley. + +"Not yet. You see, she's only just come over from South America, and +isn't used to the climate yet." + +"Just the person you'd expect to talk a lot about the weather. I +believe you've been had. Write a little note to the poulterers and ask +if you can change it. You've got a bad one by mistake." + +"We got it as a bird," said Mrs. Atherley with dignity, "not as a +gramophone." + +The next morning Evangeline was as silent as ever. Miss Atherley and I +surveyed it after breakfast. It was still grappling with a monkey-nut, +but no doubt a different one. + +"Isn't it _ever_ going to talk?" I asked. "Really, I thought parrots +were continually chatting." + +"Yes, but they have to be taught--just like you teach a baby." + +"Are you sure? I quite see that you have to teach them any special +things you want them to say, but I thought they were all born with +a few simple obvious remarks, like 'Poor Polly,' or--or 'Dash LLOYD +GEORGE.'" + +"I don't think so," said Miss Atherley. "Not the green ones." + +At dinner that evening, Mr. Atherley being now with us, the question +of Evangeline's education was seriously considered. + +"The only proper method," began Mr. Atherley--"By the way," he said, +turning to me, "you don't know anything about parrots, do you?" + +"No," I said. "You can go on quite safely." + +"The only proper method of teaching a parrot--I got this from a man in +the City this morning--is to give her a word at a time, and to go on +repeating it over and over again until she's got hold of it." + +"And after that the parrot goes on repeating it over and over again +until you've got sick of it," said Archie. + +"Then we shall have to be very careful what word we choose," said Mrs. +Atherley. + +"What is your favourite word?" + +"Well, really--" + +"Animal, vegetable or mineral?" asked Archie. + +"This is quite impossible. Every word by itself seems so silly." + +"Not 'home' and 'mother,'" I said reproachfully. + +"You shall recite your little piece in the drawing-room afterwards," +said Miss Atherley to me. "Think of something sensible now." + +"Yes," said Mrs. Atherley. "What's the latest word from London?" + +"Kikuyu." + +"What?" + +"I can't say it again," I protested. + +"If you can't even say it twice, it's no good for Evangeline." + +A thoughtful silence fell upon us. + +"Have you fixed on a name for her yet?" Miss Atherley asked her +mother. + +"Evangeline, of course." + +"No, I mean a name for her to call _you_. Because if she's going +to call you 'Auntie' or 'Darling,' or whatever you decide on, you'd +better start by teaching her that." + +And then I had a brilliant idea. + +"I've got the very word," I said. "It's 'hallo.' You see, it's a +pleasant form of greeting to any stranger, and it will go perfectly +with the next word that she's taught, whatever it may be." + +"Supposing it's 'wardrobe,'" suggested Archie, "or 'sardine'?" + +"Why not? 'Hallo, Sardine' is the perfect title for a _revue_. Witty, +subtle, neat--probably the great brain of the Revue King has already +evolved it, and is planning the opening scene." + +"Yes, 'hallo' isn't at all bad," said Mr. Atherley. "Anyway, it's +better than 'Poor Polly,' which is simply morbid. Let's fix on +'hallo.'" + +"Good," said Mrs. Atherley. + +Evangeline said nothing, being asleep under her blanket. + + * * * * * + +I was down first next morning, having forgotten to wind up my watch +overnight. Longing for company I took the blanket off Evangeline's +cage and introduced her to the world again. She stirred sleepily, +opened her eyes and blinked at me. + +"Hallo, Evangeline," I said. + +She made no reply. + +Suddenly a splendid scheme occurred to me. I would teach Evangeline +her word now. How it would surprise the others when they came down and +said "Hallo" to her, to find themselves promptly answered back! + +"Evangeline," I said, "listen. Hallo, hallo, hallo, hallo." I stopped +a moment and went on more slowly. "Hallo--hallo--hallo." + +It was dull work. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo--hallo," and then very distinctly, +"Hal-_lo_." + +Evangeline looked at me with an utterly bored face. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo." + +She picked up a monkey nut and ate it languidly. + +"Hallo," I went on, "hallo, hallo ... hallo, _hallo_, HALLO, HALLO ... +hallo, hallo--" + +She dropped her nut and roused herself for a moment. + +"Number engaged," she snapped, and took another nut. + + * * * * * + +You needn't believe this. The others didn't when I told them. + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +From "Notes, Questions and Answers" in _T.P.'s Weekly_:-- + + "Author wanted, and where the whole poem can be found:-- + + "Drink to me only with thine eyes, + And I'll not ask for wine." + + C.E.H. + + [Herrick. A collected edition of the poems is published by + J.M. Dent at 1s. net.--ED. N.Q.A.]" + +Afterthought by ED. N.Q.A.: "At least I think it's HERRICK ... or +WORDSWORTH ... but wait till the Editor comes back from Algiers. He's +sure to know." + + * * * * * + + "Sir John Thornycroft kicked off in a football charity match + at Bembridge, Isle of Wight, in which the combined ages of the + players was 440 years."--_Hull Daily Mail_. + +Why not? + + * * * * * + + "M. Timiriazeff, president of the Anglo-British Chamber of + Commerce, followed with a speech."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +We like his Anglo-British name. + + * * * * * + +WINTER SPORTS. + + [_Some additional aspects of the fashionable topic that + seem to have escaped the writers of similar articles in our + contemporaries_.] + +(I.)--BUYING THE HOTEL. + +For this game several players are required, who form themselves into +one or more parties according to numbers. A player, preferably a +woman, is selected as leader, and should possess nerve, coolness, and +an authoritative voice. The object of the game is to secure (1) The +best rooms; (2) Tables with a view; (3) The controlling interest in +all projects of entertainment. It is an important advantage for the +leader to have stayed in the hotel at least once previously. If she +is able to announce on arrival, "Here we are as usual!" and to greet +the proprietor and staff by name, this often gives an initial blow +exceedingly hard to parry. English visitors have been proving very +adept at the sport this season, with Americans a good second. The +German game, on the contrary, is slower and less subtle. + +(II.)--SPOTTING THE PARSON. + +An amusing game that has been very popular at many Swiss resorts +lately, and one that calls for the qualifications of a quick brain +and a keen eye. The universal adoption of sweaters and woollen +caps makes the task of the players one of considerable difficulty. +Envelope-reading should be forbidden by the rules, and some codes even +debar the offering of a _Church Times_ to a suspected stranger. The +_Athenaeum_ and _Spectator_ may, however, be freely employed as bait. +A simpler version of the same sport called "HOW MANY SCHOOLMASTERS?" +is often indulged in between December 20th and January 15th, after +which latter date it loses its point. + +Other games, seldom chronicled but inquiring at least as much skill +from their votaries as the better known varieties, are EARLY MORNING +SKI-BAGGING--at which the Germans frequently carry all before +them--and PRESSING THE PRESS-PHOTOGRAPHER, where the object of all the +players is to appear recognizably in a snap-shot for the illustrated +journals. At this the record score of three weekly and five daily +papers has been held for two successive seasons by the same player, a +gentleman whose dexterity is the subject of universal admiration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE--_Interior of box at Fancy Dress Ball_. + +_Host of Party_. "I SAY, BETTY, I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A CITY +FRIEND OF MINE, _MR. JONES_." + +_Hostess_ (_hospitably_). "HOW D'YOU DO? OH, YOU'RE _AWFULLY_ GOOD!" + +_Host_ (_sotto voce_). "TAKE CARE! HE'S NOT MADE UP AT ALL."] + + * * * * * + +THE WONDER ZOO. + +Canada has evolved a novelty described as a "new beef animal," which +is a blend of the domestic cow and the North American bison. The +resulting prodigy has the ferocious hump and shoulders of the bison, +with the mildly benevolent face of the Herefordshire ox. It must +not, however, be supposed that the old country is behind-hand in such +experiments, as witness the following:-- + +Billingsgate salesmen have lately been supplied with advance copies +of the new Codoyster fish. This epicurean triumph, which owes its +existence to the research of several eminent specialists, is the +result of a blend of the North Sea cod and the finest Whitstable +native. The result is said to reproduce in a remarkable degree the +succulent qualities of the original fish when eaten with oyster sauce, +and caterers are sure to welcome the combination of these popular +items in so handy a form. + +Several fine examples of the Soho chicken have lately appeared upon +the show benches at various important poultry contests. This ingenious +creation, which has long been familiar to the patrons of our less +expensive restaurants (hence the name), is said to possess qualities +of endurance superior to anything previously on the market. Its +muscular development is phenomenal, while the entire elimination of +the liver, and the substitution of four extra drum-sticks for the +ordinary wings and thighs, are noteworthy characteristics. + +Success in another branch of the same endeavour is shown in the latest +report of the Society for the Prolongation of Dachshunds. According +to this the worm-ideal seems at last to be in sight, careful +inter-breeding having now produced a variety called the Processional, +selected specimens of which take from one to two minutes in passing +any given spot. The almost entire disappearance of legs is another +attractive feature. + +Meanwhile Major-Gen. Threebottle writes from Oporto Lodge, Ealing, +strongly protesting against any further complication of the fauna of +these islands, and pointing out that the simple snakes and cats of our +youth were already sufficiently formidable to a nervous invalid like +himself without the addition of such objectionable novelties. + + * * * * * + + "Without warning, while the car was travelling at about + fifteen miles per hour, the tyre of the front wheel + burst."--_Scotsman_. + +Our tyres are much better trained, and each of the four gives a +distinctive cough before bursting. + + * * * * * + + "WAREHOUSEMAN (jun.), clothing dept., large + corporation."--_Advt. in_ "_Glasgow Herald_." + +He should show off the new line in check waistcoats to the best +advantage. + + * * * * * + +THE SECRET OUT. + +AN INTERVIEW. + +He had a coarse confident face, a red nose, a Cockney accent and a +raucous voice. He was dressed as a sluttish woman. + +Directly I saw him I was conscious of a feeling of repulsion, which I +fear my expression must have indicated, for he looked surprised. + +"Why aren't you laughing?" he asked. + +"Why should I laugh?" I asked in return. + +"Because you are looking at me," he said. "I am accustomed to laughter +the instant I appear." + +"Why?" + +"Because I am a funny man," he said. + +"How?" + +"I look funny," he said; "I say funny things; I draw a good salary for +it. If I wasn't funny I shouldn't draw a good salary, should I?" + +"You do draw it," I said guardedly. "Be funny now." + +"'Wait till I catch you bending,'" he said with a violent grimace. +"'What ho! 'Ave a drop of gin, ole dear?'" + +"Be funny now," I repeated. + +He looked bewildered. "I _was_ being funny," he said. "I bring the +house down with that, as a rule." + +"Where?" + +"In panto," he said. + +"Oh!" I replied. "So you're the funny man of a pantomime, are you?" + +"Yes," he said. + +"Which one?" + +"All of them," he said. + +"Good," I replied. "I have long wanted a talk with you. There are +things I want to ask you. Why, for instance, do you always pretend to +be a grimy slum woman?" + +"It seems to be expected," he said. + +"Who expects it? The children?" + +"What children?" + +"The children who go to pantomimes," I said. + +"Oh, those! Well, they laugh," he replied evasively. + +"They like to see you quarrelling with your husband and getting +drunk?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to hear you, as an Ugly Sister in _Cinderella_, singing +'Father's on the booze again; mother's off her chump'?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you as the wife of Ali Baba, finding pawntickets +in your husband's pockets and charging him with spending his money on +flappers?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as The Widow Twankay, visit a race meeting and +get welshed and have your clothes torn off?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as Dick Whittington's mother, telling the cat +that, if he must eat onions, at any rate he can refrain from kissing +her?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as the dame in _Goody Two Shoes_, open a night +club on the strict understanding that it is only for clergymen's +daughters in need of recreation?" + +"They laugh," he said again. + +"But they don't know what you mean?" + +"No. But I'm funny. That's what you don't seem to understand. I'm so +funny that everything I say and do makes them laugh. It doesn't, in +fact, matter _what_ I say." + +"Ah!" I replied, "I have you there! In that case why don't you say a +few simpler and sweeter things?" + +He seemed perplexed. + +"Things," I explained, "that don't want quite so much knowledge of the +seamy side of life?" + +"Go on!" he said derisively. "I haven't got time to mug _that_ up. +I've got my living to get. You don't suppose I invent my jokes, do +you? I collect them. I'm on the Halls the rest of the year, and I hear +them there. There hasn't been a new joke in a pantomime these twenty +years. But what you don't seem to get into your head, mister, is the +fact that I make them laugh. Laugh. I'm a scream, I tell you." + +"And laughter is all you want?" I asked. + +"I must either make people laugh or get 'the bird.'" + +"But hasn't it ever occurred to you," I said, "that children in a +theatre at Christmas time are entitled to have a little fun that +is not wholly connected with sordid domestic affairs and pothouse +commonness?" + +"Never," he said, and I believed him. + +"Haven't you children of your own?" + +"Several." + +"And is that how you amuse them at home?" + +"Of course not. They're too young." + +"How old are they?" + +"From six to thirteen." + +"But that's the age of the children who go to pantomimes," I +suggested. + +"Well, it's different in your own home," he said. "Besides," he added, +"it isn't children I aim at in my jokes. There's other things for +them: the fairy ballets, the comic dog." + +"And what is the audience you aim at?" I asked. "I suppose there is +one definite figure you have in your mind's eye?" + +"Yes," he said, "there is one. The person in the audience that I +always aim at is the silly servant-girl in the front row of the +gallery. That's why I so often say 'girls' before I make a joke. +You've heard me, haven't you?" + +"Haven't I?" I groaned. + + * * * * * + +THE GAME LICENCE. + +It was yesterday afternoon, towards the close of the last beat of our +annual cover shoot, that I perceived a fellow in a yellow waterproof +popping up his head from time to time (at no little risk to his life) +over a dyke some way behind the line of guns. As soon as the beaters +came out he advanced and introduced himself as an Excise Officer, +asking "if this would be a convenient moment to examine the game +licences of the party." + +It was not at all a convenient moment for Walter--who hadn't got one. +My thoughts flew at once to Walter in this crisis, for I knew he was +bound to be had. Walter never does have game licences, season tickets, +adhesive labels, telegraph forms or things of that sort. And as he +had only returned from Canada two days before and this was the first +time that he had been out, and further as he immediately disappeared +and hid behind the hedge, I knew that my worst suspicions must be +confirmed. While the Excise Officer was taking down the names and +addresses of the rest of the party I went after Walter. He was sitting +in the ditch with his head in his hands. + +"If this had happened a few years ago, old chap," he said, "when I +was a younger man, I should have run for it. But to-day I believe that +feller would overhaul me within half-a-mile. My wind's rotten. Do you +think he'll find us here?" + +"Yes," said I, "he is coming this way." + +Walter got up. "There must be some way out of it," he said +thoughtfully, "if one could only think of it." Then he boldly +confronted his accuser. + +"Since you put it to me," he said, "no, I have no game licence. But +fortunately in my case it is not necessary. I am exempt." + +The Officer stared at him a moment. + +"Certainly it is necessary," he said. + +"Kindly show me the form of this licence," said Walter in the most +lordly, off-hand, _de-haut-en-bas_ tone of voice, and the Officer +handed him one belonging to the Major, which he had been scrutinizing. +"This, I perceive," said Walter, when he had read it carefully, "is a +licence or certificate to kill game. It doesn't apply to me." + +"Why not?" + +"Because I haven't killed any game." + +"But you have your gun in your hand at this moment." + +"That is so. This is my gun. But where, I ask you, is my dead game? +The truth is, my dear fellow," he went on, dropping his voice to a +more confidential level, "though it's pretty humiliating to have to +admit it and all that, especially before the beaters--the truth is +that I haven't hit a blamed thing to-day. Rotten, isn't it?" + +Walter isn't much of a shot and there weren't many birds anyway, and +he hadn't been very lucky in his stands--and when one came to think +it over one couldn't just exactly _remember_ anything at all having +fallen to his gun. + +"I call all these fellows to witness," said Walter most impressively, +"that I have killed no game. If it pleases me to discharge my gun, at +short intervals, for the sake of the bang--" + +"You require a gun licence," said the Officer. + +"That is not the point. I may or may not have a gun licence, but our +present controversy relates to a certificate to kill game. Do not let +us confuse the issue." + +It now appeared, however, that the Officer had been waiting behind the +dyke rather longer than we knew. "I myself," he said firmly, "saw you +bring down a cock pheasant at the beginning of the last beat." + +Walter consulted the paper in his hand. "I observe," he said, "that +this licence (or certificate) relates to killing game. There is +nothing said of bringing it down. I may, as you say, have induced a +cock pheasant to descend. I certainly didn't kill him. As a matter of +fact he was lightly touched on the wing, and he ran like a hare." + +"He's in that patch of bracken there," said the Officer. "If you will +send a keeper and a dog with me--" + +"No, I can't do that," said Walter, "unless you can show me a written +authority empowering you, in the KING's name, to borrow keepers and +dogs." + +It was then that the fun began. The Officer went off like a shot +up the hillside, started the old cock, chased him up the ditch and +through the hedge, and finally, to everyone's surprise and delight, +collared him in a corner of the dyke. There were loud cheers from the +enthusiastic crowd, but they were cut short by a sharp warning from +Walter. + +"Be careful how you handle that bird, Sir!" he cried. "If anything +happens to him I shall hold you responsible. I have no reason to +believe that you hold a licence (or certificate) to kill game. If he +suffers a mortal injury I shall report you." + +The Officer began to look rather bewildered and the old cock flapped +his wings. + +"I'll thank you for that bird," said Walter firmly, and he took it and +tucked it comfortably under his arm. + +"What are you going to do with it?" asked the Officer. + +"I am going to nurse it back to health and strength," said Walter. "It +only requires a little close attention. I shall be happy if you will +call in about a week's time to enquire. Good afternoon. I am very +pleased to have met you." And Walter held out his hand. + +Well, that is where the matter rests. If Walter can keep the bird +alive the case against him falls to the ground. If not, I suppose it +means a three-pound licence and a ten-pound fine. He took him straight +back to the Home Farm and secured for him dry and airy quarters in the +poultry run, and did not leave him till he had seen to his comfort in +every way and given minute directions as to his treatment.... + +I am afraid the old cock passed a rather restless night, but he was +able to take part of a warm mash, with two drops of laudanum in it, at +an early hour this morning. At this moment I hear Walter getting out +his motor-bicycle. I fancy he is going for the vet. + + * * * * * + +Says Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER:-- + + "There is a journal in London which has the impertinence to + call itself _The Nation_, but ... it does not represent the + merest fraction of our countrymen." + +Mr. SHORTER's own paper is called, more modestly, _The Sphere_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FUTURE OF BRITISH BOXING. + +_Rough_ (_to policeman who has knocked him down_). "WELL, IT'S WORF +IT. TO ME BELONGS THE CREDIT OF 'AVIN' DISCOVERED A BLOOMIN' WHITE +'OPE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GETTING USED TO THE "SMILING EXPRESSION." + +OUR SUGGESTION FOR A SYSTEM OF ADVANCED PHYSICAL TRAINING FOR PRUSSIAN +OFFICERS BEFORE TAKING UP COMMANDS IN THE ALSATIAN DISTRICT, WHERE THE +POPULACE IS SAID TO BE ADDICTED TO HUMOUR.] + + * * * * * + +OLD FRIENDS. + +I was in the train because I had to go to Birmingham; I was in the +dining car because I had to dine. With all respect to the Company I +cannot pretend that I regarded myself as doing anything remarkable or +distinguished. The little man opposite me, however, felt differently. +I have since been told that they of Birmingham are very proud of their +non-stop train service by both routes. + +"This, Sir," said the stranger, as I lowered my paper to help myself +to a proffered roll--"this is one of the Two-Hour trains." + +"You don't say," said I politely but not encouragingly. + +"Two hours," he repeated impressively. + +"Indeed? Two whole hours and not a moment less?" and I returned to my +paper pending the soup's arrival. + +"Is it not wonderful," he resumed when I was at his mercy again, +"to be travelling at sixty miles an hour and eating soup at the same +time?" + +"Some people eat soup," said I, "and some drink it. For myself, I give +it a miss;" and I returned to the news. + +With the fish: "I came up by the breakfast train this morning," said +he, "and I now return by the dining train." He meant by this to give +credit to the Company rather than to himself, but even so it seemed to +fall short of the complete ideal. There was something wanting. It was +luncheon, of course. + +"They run luncheon cars too," said he. + +"Then there seems to be no reason why you should ever leave the train +at all," I remarked, seeking refuge again in my paper. In spite, +however, of my coldness, he continued to assail me with similar facts +every time I emerged. Finally he took a sheet of slightly soiled paper +and pencilled on it a schedule of our movements. It ran:-- + + Mileage. Place. Time. + + -- Euston 6.55 P.M. + 51/2 Willesden [7.4] " + 171/2 Watford [7.18] " + 463/4 Bletchley [7.50] " + 821/4 Rugby [8.24] " + 941/4 Coventry [8.36] " + 113 Birmingham 8.55 " + +"To give this the very careful consideration it deserves," said I, "I +must be left absolutely to myself." + +Later on, feeling that I had perhaps been rude, I offered the man a +cigar by way of compensation. He accepted it as a mark of esteem and +burst forth into more conversation. By now a little fed up with trains +himself he suggested, for the sake of something new to say, that he +had met me before somewhere. At first I had some idea of asking for my +cigar to be returned, but instead I gave in to his persistence. More, +I joined in the conversation with an energy which surprised him. + +"Now I come to think of it we _have_ seen each other before; but +where?" I said. + +He thought promiscuously, disconnectedly and aloud. I could accept +none of his suggestions because all referred to commercial rooms in +provincial hotels, places to which I have not the _entree_. "But I +know now," I declared brightly; "it was at a place just this side of +London that I saw you first." + +"First?" he asked. + +"Oh yes," said I. "I have seen you more than once. Surely you haven't +forgotten that time at Watford?" + +He felt that I had the advantage of him. "When was that?" he asked. + +"Not very long after the first time; and the next occasion I remember +seeing you was at a place called--called--something beginning with a +B." + +He was quite unable to cope with the situation. + +"And the next time," I continued, "I happened to be passing through +that town where the school is--you know, Rugby. I distinctly recollect +noticing then that you hadn't changed in the least since I last saw +you." + +He couldn't decide whether to be more flattered at my remembering or +more annoyed at his own forgetting. + +"Come, come," I exclaimed, "you surely cannot have forgotten that +little chat we had at Coventry?" + +"Coventry?" he asked. "But how long ago was that?" + +"Quite recently," I asserted. + +"But I haven't set foot in Coventry for years," said he. + +"Nor have I, ever," said I. + +I could understand his feelings thoroughly. It might be that I was a +liar; it might be that I was a lunatic. In either case he did not wish +to converse further with me. Happily, I had two newspapers available. + + * * * * * + +As the speed of our train, in which of old he had taken such a pride, +began to slacken: "And I shouldn't be surprised," I said from behind +my paper, "if you and I saw each other again quite soon. The world is +a small place and these things soon develop into a habit." + +He made no answer from behind his paper. + +"If you ask me when and where" (as in fact he didn't), "I should say +it is just as likely as not to happen at Birmingham at about 8.55 +P.M.," I estimated, relying upon his own schedule. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SAND CAMPAIGN. + +SCENE--_Algeria, on the border of the desert_. + + THE ARAB AND THE CHANCELLOR + WERE WALKING HAND-IN-HAND; + THE LATTER WEPT A LOT TO SEE + SUCH QUANTITIES OF SAND; + "WHY ARE YOU HOLDING UP," HE SAID, + "THIS VERY FERTILE LAND?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Harold_ (_who has just been kissed by his sister_). "I +SAY, I WONDER WHAT SHE'S UP TO?" + +_Friend_. "SIGN OF AFFECTION, ISN'T IT?" + +_Harold_. "_AFFECTION_, YOU GOAT! SHE NEVER DOES THAT TILL THE LAST +DAY OF THE HOLS, AND THERE'S A WEEK TO GO YET."] + + * * * * * + + "The play was preceded by 'The L12 Hook,' another Barrie + comedy of more recent date."--_Sydney Morning Herald_. + +We should prefer to call it "The L12 Eye." + + * * * * * + + "LABOUR IN SOUTH AFRICA. + BLACK OUTLOOK." + + _Morning Post_. + +Let us hear both sides. What is the White Outlook? + + * * * * * + + "The grievance of the men is in regard to the rate of pay. + They are paid 51/2d. per hair."--_Glasgow News_. + +And then when they are old and bald they have to starve. + + * * * * * + + "TANGO RAPIDLY DYING. + DANCE UPHELD BY MR. MAX PEMBERTON." + _Daily Chronicle_. + +This is the sort of thing that the Revue King has to put up with. +Truly the lot of royalty is not an enviable one. + + * * * * * + +From an advertisement of Tango matinees in _The Lyceum_:-- + + "RESERVED TAUTENILS (4 first rows) 10/-- + TAUTENILS (tea included) 7/6 + TAUTENILS (tea not included) 6/--" + +_Gourmet_ (_planking down his seven-and-six_). "Tea and tautenils, +please." + + * * * * * + +Seen on a Liverpool hoarding:-- + + "Quo Vadis: Whither goest thou in eight reels?" + + _Answer_. "Anywhere in reason, but not home." + + * * * * * + +IN THE GARDEN OF ALLAH. + + Weary of the struggle and the squalors + Which beset the politician's life-- + Work that for a modicum of dollars + Brings a whole infinity of strife-- + Three of England's most illustrious cronies + Started on a winter holiday, + With no thought of MURRAY or Marconis-- + GEORGE and HENRY and the great TAY PAY. + + Never since AENEAS and his raiders + Stayed with DIDO in the days of yore + Did such irresistible invaders + Land upon the Carthaginian shore. + GEORGE, of course, the largest crowds attended, + But I'm told the kind Algerians say + That AENEAS wasn't half so splendid + Or so pious as the good TAY PAY. + + Noble sheikhs and black and bearded Bashas + Bowed, whene'er they met them, to the ground; + Festas and fantasias and tamashas + Followed in a never-ending round. + GEORGE no more on his detractors brooded; + HENRY simply sang the livelong day; + While unmixed benevolence exuded + From the loving heart of kind TAY PAY. + + Side by side they read the works of HICHENS; + Hand in hand they sampled the bazaars; + Ate the sweetmeats cooked in native kitchens; + Flew about in sumptuous motor-cars; + Golfed where once great HANNIBAL was scheming; + Joked where luckless DIDO once held sway; + For the finest jokes were always streaming + From the lips of comical TAY PAY. + + Other days they spent in caracoling, + Mounted each upon a mettled barb, + Or along the streets serenely strolling + Clad in semi-oriental garb; + HENRY with a cummerbund suburban; + GEORGE disguised to look like ENVER BEY; + While a kilt surmounted by a turban + Veiled the massive contours of TAY PAY. + + Daily they partook of ripe and juicy + Fruit, and Mocha coffee and kibobs; + Daily they conversed with EL SENOUSSI + And a lot of other native nobs; + HENRY practised Algerine fandangos; + GEORGE upon the tom-tom learned to play; + And a dervish taught ten Arab tangos + To the light fantastical TAY PAY. + + Whither will they wander next, I wonder? + Not, I hope and pray, within the reach + Of the tribes who live on loot and plunder, + Fanatics who practise what they preach. + Fancy if these horrible disturbers, + Swooping on our countrymen astray, + Touaregs and Bedouins and Berbers, + Carried off the succulent TAY PAY! + + Hardly had this agonizing presage + Taken shape within my tortured brain, + When good REUTER flashed the welcome message, + "Chancellor Returns," across the main. + Neptune, be thy waters calm, not choppy, + As they speed them on their homeward way, + GEORGE and HENRY and, bowed down with "copy," + Our unique arch-eulogist, TAY PAY. + + * * * * * + +THE MARRIED MAN'S ADVANTAGE. + +Personally I think too much respect is paid to age. There is nothing +clever in being old--nothing at all. On the other hand, youth has a +charm of its own. Besides, twenty-two is not young; you wouldn't +think me so if you really knew me. The doubt arises, I suppose, from +a certain innate light-heartedness. It is really rather pathetic. + +Daphne chooses to see humour in the situation, which is very absurd +of her, and, as I point out, merely reflects on herself. Surely she +doesn't wish to admit that it is foolish to love her. + +And that, to make a clean breast of it, is exactly what I do, and do +madly. + +I follow her about, reverently watching her every movement, hanging +on her every word--no light task. And my reward? A scant unceremonious +"Hallo!" when we meet; a scanter "Night" or "Morning," according to +the circumstances, when we part. A brave smile from me and she is +gone, an unwitting spectator of a real tragedy. + +Up to a few days ago I was content to bear with my lot, but last week +I rebelled. It was at a dance, after supper. Daphne had certainly +shown a sort of affection for me, motherly rather than otherwise, +I think; nevertheless an affection. But then, and not for the first +time, I had seen her flirting with another. + +I decided to lose my temper. I went into the smoke-room and +deliberated very close to the fire. In five minutes I left the room +heated. + +I found Daphne at once. + +"Our dance," I said. "We will sit out." + +My manner must have been rather terrifying. At any rate we sat out. + +"Daphne," I began, "I am in a mood that brooks no trifling. For weeks +I have loved you. You spurn me." + +"Oh, Billy, do be sensible," Daphne murmured. + +I moderated my tone. "Well, look here," I said, "why are you so cold +to me and yet flirt with my cousin? I saw you putting his tie straight +and patting his arm just now; and you won't let me even hold your +hand. It's pretty hard, Daphne." + +She laughed. "My dear Billy--" + +"Many thanks for yours of yesterday. I am having a very good time and +it is really kind of me to write." + +"If you won't be sensible--" + +"I am. It's just because I'm so serious that I jest. All the wittiest +men are broken-hearted. Go on." + +"Well, my dear Billy, you mustn't be foolish. I'm very fond of you, +but you're so ridiculously young." + +"You haven't a revolver about you?" I enquired. + +Daphne sighed. "Billy, you're quite hopeless. Do let me try to +explain. You see, I can't--well--flirt with you, because I don't +really flirt, of course, and besides your cousin's different--he's +married." + +I got up quickly. "Good-bye," I said. "You must excuse my leaving +you." + +Daphne looked surprised. "Where are you going?" she enquired. + +"To get married." I walked away with my head in the air. + + * * * * * + +A week later I wrote Daphne a letter. It ran as follows:-- + +"MY DEAR DAPHNE,--I am going to get married. Tina is nineteen, the +same as you, and is in the chorus of a musical comedy. She has real +jet black hair, so I am quite lucky. I hope you are fonder of me +already. + +Yours devotedly, BILLY." + +In reply, and by return of post, I received an invitation to tea at +Daphne's. Daphne, looking beautiful, was awaiting me. + +"How d'you do?" I said gravely. + +"Billy," Daphne began, "will you be really serious with me?" + +I immediately assumed a business manner and coughed. + +"Well?" I said. + +The word was sharp and incisive, a regular lawyer's question. + +"Of course, you're joking about this chorus girl?" + +"Joking! Daphne, you know I'd do anything for you." + +Daphne smiled. "But, Billy, I shan't like you any better if you marry +her." + +I bit a piece of cake coldly. "I don't understand you, Daphne," I +said. "When I ask you to show me a little affection, only just what +you show others, you tell me I'm young and married men are different. +I arrange to be different at considerable personal sacrifice, and you +tell me you won't like me any better." I swallowed convulsively. + +"But, Billy--dear--you're not actually engaged?" + +"I'm not so sure," I replied. "These girls are wonderfully sharp; and +then, of course, I'm so young." (A good touch.) + +There was a silence. + +"I shall hate you if you marry a chorus girl," said Daphne. + +"Then why did you tell me married men were different?" + +"Because most of them are." Daphne smiled slowly. "I think I might +like you better if you were married to some really nice girl." + +I laughed bitterly. "To you, for instance?" + +"Yes, to me," said Daphne very sweetly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN VIEW OF THE EXAGGERATED AND MISLEADING REPORTS OF +WHAT OCCURS AT THE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN MR. ASQUITH AND MR. BONAR LAW +ON THE ULSTER QUESTION WE VENTURE TO THINK THAT A LITTLE MAKE-UP AND +CAREFUL CHOICE OF RENDEZVOUS WOULD ENABLE THE LEADERS TO HAVE MANY A +LONG CHAT ON THE SUBJECT WITHOUT ANYONE BEING AWARE OF THEIR HAVING +MET.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPREAD OF THE SERVANT-GIRL GRADUATE IDEA. + +(_Interior of a super-kitchen._) + +_Mistress_. "WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING YOUR SOPHOCLES FOR A MOMENT, MARY, +AND RUNNING TO THE POST?"] + + * * * * * + +TO OBEY OR NOT TO OBEY. + +_8th December, 1913._ + +Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook request the pleasure of Mr. Hugh Melbrook's +company at the marriage of their daughter Muriel Irene with Mr. +Adolphus Smith, at St. Peter's, Hashton, on Wednesday, December 31st, +1913, at 1.30 o'clock, and afterwards at _Westlands, Hashton_. + +R.S.V.P. + + +_9th December, 1913._ + +Mr. Hugh Melbrook thanks Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook for the opportunity of +being present at the wedding of their daughter Muriel Irene, but much +regrets that, owing to great pressure of work, he cannot be there. +He desires that Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook should not feel constrained to +alter their present arrangements on that account. + + +_26th December, 1913._ + +MESSRS. HALL, MARK & Co., Silversmiths. + +SIRS,--Kindly despatch at once to the address given below a seasonable +wedding gift, costing no more than the amount of the enclosed postal +order. I send my card for inclusion. Whatever change there may be +please return it to me, and oblige + +Yours faithfully, + +H. MELBROOK. + + +_27th December, 1913._ + +H. MELBROOK, ESQ. + +DEAR SIR,--We are in receipt of your esteemed favour of yesterday's +date and beg to advise you that we have this day forwarded to +the address you gave a handsome cut-glass anchovy dish with a +finely-chased silver lid and tray. We enclose the receipted bill for +the dish, which stands in our list at exactly the amount remitted by +you. + +We are, dear Sir, + +Yours faithfully, + +HALL, MARK & Co. + + +_29th December, 1913._ + +MY DEAR HUGH.--Thank you _very, very_ much for the sweet little +butterdish. It's ripping. Do try to get down, Hugh, there's a good +boy! If you can find time to choose me such a nice present--I know +what you are, it must have taken you hours--surely you could take the +day off for once. Say yes. + +In tremendous haste, and thanking you again and again, + +Your affectionate cousin, + +MURIEL. + +P.S.--I've just heard that Mr. Parsley, who is to marry us, is very +strict about _obedient_ weddings, and I promised Geraldine I wouldn't +"obey" if she didn't. Now it's my turn. Tell me something to do. + + +_30th December, 1913._ + +MY GOOD MURIEL,--That's a caviare dish! Caviare dishes, I understood, +were all the rage just now, and here am I slaving away to be in the +fashion, and you calmly write back and say, "Thank you very much for +the butt--" My good Muriel! + +I really wanted to send you something quite different, something +equally novel but more seasonable; no less, in fact, than a +nose-muff or nose-warmer. It is a little idea of my own, the Melbrook +"Rhinotherm." Briefly, the mechanism consists of pieces of heated +charcoal, potato or what-not, encased in some non-conducting material, +the whole being then unostentatiously affixed to the frigid end of the +nose. Stupidly, I forgot to take a plaster cast of your nose. You'll +forgive me, won't you? + +And now about coming down on the happy day. I feel very hurt about it. +You know perfectly well that I wanted you to be married on a Saturday, +but you wouldn't. It isn't as though you get married every day, and +I do think you might have considered me a little more. But, even if +I did come, even if by working all night Monday and Tuesday I could +scrape together a few hours of freedom, I know what it would be. I +should never be allowed in the vestry afterwards, while all the fun +was going on. And yet you have the effrontery to sit there and ask my +help in evading your, responsibilities as a married woman. Still, if +you promise to breathe not a word of this to any woman I may marry +hereafter, here's a dead snip for you. Listen! When you come to the +words "to love, cherish and to obey," you simply drop the second "to" +(nobody will miss it) and run the "d" of the "and" into the "obey," +and lo! we have a French word, to wit, _dauber_, meaning to cuff, +drub or belabour. What say you to that, my bonny bride? I think that +deserves an extra large slice of cake, to put under my pillow. And I +say, Muriel, I do hope there won't be any of those rotten cassowary +seeds in it. If there are, for pity's sake rake them out and give them +to someone who likes them. And I'll have his share of the marzipan. + +Your affectionate cousin, + +HUGH. + + +NEWSPAPER EXCERPT. + +... During the service an amusing incident occurred. It was noticed +that the, bride, who is rumoured to have feminist leanings, betrayed +some difficulty in pronouncing the vow of obedience. The Rev. Thos. +Parsley considerately paused and helped her to repeat the words +after him in a clear and audible manner. In an interview with +our representative, Mr. Parsley smilingly explained that he was +determined, in his parish at any rate, to discourage any possible +evasion of the matrimonial vows. He considered that a great deal of +post-nuptial unhappiness was attributable to the lamentable laxity +of the clergy in joining young people in matrimony without requiring +their future relations to be clearly defined at the outset. The young +bride refused to make any comment, but seemed highly amused at the +incident.... + +"_Hashton Weekly Hash._" + + * * * * * + + "A gem ring lost last summer by Franz Schroder while + travelling in a steamer on the Danube, near Prague, was found + inside a carp caught at Mayence by his nephew."--_Manchester + Evening News_. + +The fact that Mayence is not on the Danube need not bother you. Only +last week our uncle lost a white elephant while travelling in a barge +on the Regent's Park Canal, near Maida Vale, and it was found inside +the hat-box of the Editor of _The Manchester Evening News_ by FRANZ +SCHRODER. Bless you, these things are always happening. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irate Cottager._ "Hi! YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY 'EDGE!" + +_Mild Sportsman._ "OH, NO; YOUR HEDGE IS BREAKING MY FALL, AND IF YOU +WILL KINDLY PUSH ME BACK AGAIN I SHALL TRY TO REJOIN MY HORSE."] + + * * * * * + +THE COWARD. + +It is impossible to describe to you exactly how Herbert looked. But +shame, defiance and unconcern were the principal ingredients in his +expression as he stood on the kerb and stared across the road. + +He started guiltily as I approached. + +"Hallo, Herbert!" I began with my customary _bonhomie_. + +"Hallo!" he said dismally. + +"What are you doing here?" I asked sternly. + +"Nothing," said Herbert. "Have you ever noticed what a fine building +that post-office is?" + +"No," I said; "neither have you. Herbert, you are concealing something +from me. What have I done to deserve it? Have I not enjoyed your +confidence these many years, and have you ever known me betray it? Is +it marriage that has changed you thus? Is it--" + +"Shut up," said Herbert. "I'll tell you, if you stop talking." + +I stopped talking. + +"It's this way. My wife and I have had a little discussion. And I +stated my belief that there was nothing in an ordinary way that a +woman could do that a man couldn't. Whereupon she defied me to go out +and--er--buy a bloater. As you see, I have gone out, and--er--" + +"Yes," I said, "you have gone out. Splendid of you! And all that +remains to be done is to buy a bloater. Why not? Yonder, if I mistake +not, is the shop of a bloaterer." + +"But a bloater!" said Herbert. "It isn't fair. If she'd said some +salmon, or a lobster, or even a pound of sausages; or if she'd allowed +me to 'phone for it. It's not as if I'd ever had any practice. It's +not decent to start a beginner on a hand-bought bloater." + +"Tush!" I said. "This is not manly. Remember, our sex is at stake. +Come!" + +I took him by the arm. He advanced under protest. + +Four paces from the shop he stopped abruptly and laughed--a horrible +laugh. + +"Do you know," he said, "I do believe I've come out without a cent on +me." + +"_I_ don't believe it for a moment," I said, "but as it happens I can +lend you pounds and pounds--almost enough for two bloaters." + +Herbert reluctantly found some money in one of the seven pockets he +had not felt in. Then we advanced once more. + +This time there was no going back. Right into the body of the +fishmonger's we strode and stood firmly opposite the salesman. + +"_Now_," I whispered tensely. + +But Herbert hesitated, and even as he wobbled the salesman began his +suggestions. + +"Yes, Sir? Lobsters or prawns, Sir? Some very good salmon this +morning--very fine fish indeed, Sir." + +"Er, as a matter of fact," said Herbert, "we just wanted to know if +you would be so kind as to direct us to the nearest post-office?--the +one just across the road, you know," he added nervously. + +"Herbert," I said in his private ear, "be a man." + +Herbert pulled himself together. "Would you," he said to the salesman, +"would you please let me look at some b-b-blobsters?" + + * * * * * + +A BAD DREAM. + +_Sunday_.--Great news! The plan suggested by the Anglo-German Alliance +Committee is at last to be carried out. There is to be an exchange of +garrisons, that is to say, certain English towns are to be garrisoned +by German regiments, while certain German towns are to have +English garrisons. Our own town, though a small one, is to have +the distinguished honour of being the first to give this mark of +friendship to the world. All the arrangements have been made, and +to-morrow the 901st Prussian regiment of infantry is to march in. +It will be a great day for Dartlebury, and we shall all do our best, +though the public notice has been short, to give our gallant visitors +a warm and truly British reception. + +_Monday_.--Our German friends have arrived. At 11 o'clock this morning +it was announced that they were approaching, headed by their band. The +Mayor, Alderman Farthingale, and the whole Corporation, including the +three Labour members recently elected, immediately proceeded to the +old city wall to meet them. They were accompanied by the municipal +band in full uniform, playing "_Die Wacht am Rhein_," which they had +been assiduously practising. Unfortunately this led to what might have +been a somewhat painful contretemps. On meeting the municipal band the +Prussian commander, Colonel von Brausebrum, halted his soldiers and in +a loud voice declared that our men were playing out of tune. Perhaps +this was true, but the offence was involuntary and in any case it +was hardly serious enough to call for the arrest of the whole band. +Arrested, however, they were, and it was a melancholy sight to see +them marched off by a corporal's guard. Mr. Zundnadel, the chief of +the band, is himself of German origin, and his feelings can be better +imagined than described. The Mayor saved the situation by making an +extremely cordial speech, in which he spoke of the English and the +Germans as ancient brothers-in-arms. The Colonel in his reply said his +mission was a glorious one, and everything would depend on the way +we conducted ourselves. What can he have meant? The march was then +resumed, but another halt was made in the High Street to remove the +French flag which Mucklow, the linen-draper, had very tactlessly stuck +up over his shop. He too was arrested, with wife and family, and was +lodged in jail. Luckily no further incident disturbed the harmony of +the proceedings. + +_Tuesday_.--This morning Lieutenant von Schornstein, while walking in +Brewer's Alley, trod on a piece of banana-skin and fell heavily on +the pavement. As he rose he observed that two small boys were, so he +alleged, laughing at him. He immediately ran after the two urchins, +and was proceeding to put them to the sword when the Brewery men +interfered and disarmed him. He pleaded that his uniform had been +insulted and that it was necessary for him to punish them. "_Ich +muss sie durch den Leib rennen_" were his words. The men, however, +were not inclined to admit the force of this plea, especially as +they understood no German, and they sent him back to barracks in a +taxi-cab. The Mayor at once wired his apologies to the Colonel, and it +is hoped that nothing further will be heard of the incident. I ought +to add that the boys deny that they laughed, but the lieutenant is +certain that they wore a smiling expression. + +The "Friendship Banquet" was held this evening in the Town Hall, +with the Mayor in the chair. No very great enthusiasm was shown, and +when the Mayor, in proposing the health of our visitors, alluded to +the friendly rivalry of the two nations in commerce and the arts of +peace, the Colonel pulled him back into his seat and begged him not +to proceed. "_Maul halten_," he said. The three Labour members of the +Council were afterwards arrested for not having joined with sufficient +heartiness in the singing of "_Deutschland ueber Alles_." + +_Wednesday_.--A state of siege has been declared in Dartlebury, and +we are all living under martial law. Lord Gruffen was arrested for +having knocked up against a soldier. The magistrates, on leaving the +police-court, were handcuffed and removed to barracks. A crisis is +evidently approaching. + +_Thursday_.--An insurrection started this morning. A huge crowd +attacked the barracks and overpowered all resistance. Blood flowed +like water, but in an hour all was over. There is a strong feeling +that the experiment of the Alliance Committee was a rash one, though +no doubt it was well meant. We live and learn. + + * * * * * + +LOOP! LOOP!! + +(_A STORY OF AERIAL PROWESS IN THE PROVINCES._) + + They said, "He goes a-tumbling through the hollow + And trackless empyrean like a clown, + Head pointed to the earth where weaklings wallow, + Feet up toward the stars; not such renown + Even our lord himself, the bright Apollo, + Gets in his gilded car. For one bob down + You shall behold the thing." "Right-o," I said, + Clapping the old brown bay leaves on my head. + + So to the hangars. Time, about eleven, + The air full chill, the ground a mess of muck, + And long time gazed I on the wintry heaven + And thought of many a deed of Saxon pluck; + How DRAKE, for instance, good old DRAKE of Devon, + Played bowls at Plymouth Hoe. Twelve-thirty struck. + No one had vaulted through the air's abyss; + DRAKE would have plunged tail up an hour ere this. + + Brief interval for lunch, and then a drizzle + Fell on the dreary field. Like some dead moth + The thing remained. Chagrin commenced to sizzle, + And certain people cried, "A thillingth loth." + Others, "Hey, Mister Airman, it's a swizzle!" + Then a stern man came out, and with a cloth + Lightly, as one well used to such a feat, + Swaddled the brute's propeller and its seat. + + The skies grew darkling, and there went a rumour, + "The thing is off; he will not fly to-day;" + And forth we wandered, some in rare ill-humour, + But not, oh, not the bard. Yet this I say-- + There are two kinds of courage: one's a boomer + Avid of gold and glory; this is A, + Crowned with a palm, and in her hands I see + Sheaves of press cuttings. There is also B. + + Not venturesome, this last, to brave the billows, + To beard the panther in his hidden lair, + To probe the epiderms of armadillos, + Nor execute wild cart-wheels in the air; + But who shall say how much Britannia still owes + To B, the kind of courage that can bear + Dauntless to wait, whate'er the skies portend, + (Having paid entrance) to the bitter end? + + The heavenly hero in his suit of leather + Soars through Olympus with the world beneath + Sometimes, and sometimes, owing to the weather, + Scratches his fixtures in the tempest's teeth. + Shall the high gods, who gaze on both together, + Count him the nobler, or confer their wreath + On the brave bull-dog bard, who risks his thews + Standing about all day in thin-soled shoes? + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERE'S ONE I'M SURE YOU'LL LIKE, TREVOR." + +"WHAT IS IT?" + +"_ROBINSON CRUSOE_." + +"IN WHAT LANGUAGE?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Just as one may say of certain novelists that they write at the top +of their voices, so, I think, one might describe Miss VIOLA MEYNELL +as writing in a whisper. This certainly is the effect that _Modern +Lovers_ (SECKER) produced upon me. The gentle method of it invested +the story--which of itself is a very slight thing--with an odd +significance almost impossible to communicate in criticism; but the +reading of a few pages will show you what I mean. The title is apt +enough, for the tale is about nothing but love, as it affects a group +of five young people, three men and two girls. Of the girls, who are +sisters, _Effie Rutherglen_ is the more important and detailed figure. +_Effie_, in the time before the story opens, had an affair with +_Oliver Bligh_; then, summoned North to live with her futile and +uncomprehending parents, she fell (as did her sister _Milly_ and most +of the local spinsters) under the fascination of one _Clive Maxwell_, +who was an author and had appealing eyes and obviously a way with him. +Then _Oliver_ turned up again, and poor _Effie_ didn't know which of +them she wanted. I speak lightly, but, if you think all this made +for comedy, your conception of Miss MEYNELL's methods is very much +at fault. Love to her is very much what it was to _Patience_ in the +opera--by no means a wholly enviable boon. I can hardly praise too +much the exquisite refinement and restraint of her treatment of +commonplace things. But one small point baffled me: _Oliver_ appears +to have been a professional diver and bath-keeper--we are told, +indeed, that he had occupied that position at Rugby (a statement +that I have private and personal reasons for discrediting)--yet we +find him staying as a welcome and honoured guest in the house of the +_Rutherglens_, whom I take to be more or less "county." Surely this, +though of no real importance, is at least remarkable? + + * * * * * + +"What," I asked myself, "is just the matter with this apparently quite +nice book?" (It was _Joan's Green Year_, and written by E.L. DOON and +published by MACMILLAN.) It is the kind of book that grows out of a +romantic disposition and an assiduously stuffed commonplace book. It +consists of letters from _Joan_, a paying guest in the Manor House +Farm at Pelton, to her brother _Keith_, a soldier in India, telling +him all about her year of holiday and "soul discipline" in the +country, the village gossip, her proposals and her one acceptance, and +giving a sort of farmer's calendar of the seasons as interpreted by +the guileless amateur. _Joan_ has what is known as a nice mind. But +to tell truth she has chosen a difficult and dangerous if alluring art +form. Of course letters enable you to evade some of the difficulties +of the novelist's task, to be discursive, allusive and incomplete. But +you can't be let off anything of the precision and subtlety of your +characterisation. On the contrary. And _Joan_ makes everyone in Pelton +(except the rustics, whose authenticity I gravely suspect) talk +as _Joan_ writes. They have nearly all seen her commonplace book, +I judge. Then, again, you must not have (like _Joan_) a large list +of acquaintances, or you breed confusion and dissipate interest +accordingly. _Joan_ is very young in many ways. She is extravagant in +the matter of the equipment of her heroes. _Bob Ingleby_, the farmer +(a gentleman, because he had been at Winchester), is a "great comely +giant," yet wins events one and three of the Hunt Steeplechase, though +thrown badly in number two. I have a suspicion that this work is +really _Joan's_ tee shot, and that after a notable recovery, which on +the best of her present form I can safely prophesy, she will reach her +green year next time. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. T.P. O'CONNOR has written a fascinating book. _My Beloved South_ +she calls it, and PUTNAMS publish it. There is not a lifeless page +in the 427 that make up a bountiful feast. Every one contains vivid +reproductions of incidents in social life in the South "befo' de +wa'" and after. At the outset we make the acquaintance of a typical +Southron, Mrs. O'CONNOR's grandfather, Governor of Florida when it +was still a Territory, with native Indians fighting fiercely for their +land and homes. Mrs. O'CONNOR was, of course, not to the fore in those +early days. But so steeped is she in lore of the South, much of it +gained from the lips of nurses and out-door servants, so keen is her +sympathy, so quick and true her instinct that she is able to revivify +the old scenes and reproduce the atmosphere of the time. The darkey +nurse of earliest childhood lives again, sometimes bringing with +her plantation songs like "Voodoo-Bogey-Boo," quaintly musical. Many +passages of the grandfather's conversations are preserved, in which we +may detect the voice of the gifted granddaughter. But the influence of +heredity is strong, more especially "down South." Also there are many +charming stories redolent of the South. I was about to mention the +page on which will be found the thrilling history of a mule aptly +named "Satan." On reflection I won't spoil the reader's pleasure in +unexpectedly coming upon it somewhere about the middle of the book. +Nobody--man or woman, girl or boy--who begins to read _My Beloved +South_ will skip a page. So the story cannot be overlooked. + + * * * * * + +In _Lost Diaries_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. MAURICE BARING travels by an easy +road to humour, and he does not pound it with too laborious feet. This +is perhaps a fortunate thing, for a farcical reconstruction of history +in the light of modern sentiment and circumstances might easily tire; +a Comic History of England, for instance, is stiffer reading to-day +than GARDNER or GREEN. Sometimes, however, Mr. BARING seems to carry +to extreme lengths his conscientious avoidance of efforts to be funny; +and in the imaginary records of one or two of his subjects there is +little more to laugh at than the unaided fancy of the student has long +ago perceived. _Tristram_ loved two _Iseults_, and JOHN MILTON was +an exasperating husband; but these things I knew, and the author of +_Lost Diaries_ has made no more capital out of the situations than +the eternal merriment which the bare statement of the facts inspires. +But where Mr. BARING, pleasantly disdainful alike of consistency +and taste, examines the pocket-book of the "Man in the Iron Mask," +and finds him complaining of the noise and disturbance in dungeon +after dungeon until he is removed at last to the lotus island of the +Bastille; or records the blameless botanical pursuits of TIBERIUS in +seclusion; or the first consumption of the Colla di Gallo by COLUMBUS +in the newly discovered West, he is, for all the simplicity of his +methods, amusing enough. Yet even so I am inclined to think that the +first of his essays, which reads like an actual transcript from the +jottings of a nineteenth-century private-school boy, is the diary +which I most heartily congratulate Mr. BARING on having rediscovered, +and which I should be least willing for him to lose again. + + * * * * * + +With the Land Question staring us in the face, _Folk of the Furrow_ +(SMITH ELDER) should attract the attention of those who wish +thoroughly to understand what the agricultural labourer wants and +why he wants it. Mr. CHRISTOPHER HOLDENBY is no amateur, for as Mr. +STEPHEN REYNOLDS has lived with fishermen and shared their daily lives +so he has lodged in labourers' cottages and hoed and dug with the +best (and worst) of them. The result is a book that is stamped with +the hall-mark of a great sincerity; and three facts at least can be +gathered from it by the very dullest of gleaners. First, and I think +foremost, that the decencies of life cannot be observed if children +of very various ages are to be crowded into cottages too small to hold +them; secondly, that it is useless to expect morality from youths who +have few or no amusements provided for them; thirdly, that the passing +of the old families and the advent of the week-end "merchant princes" +do not make a change for the better. All which may be stale news, but +after reading this book I think that you will admit that Mr. HOLDENBY +has contrived to make an old tale very impressive. In some instances +it is true that I could bring evidence directly in opposition to his, +but on the whole he deserves well for the way in which he has won the +confidence of a class naturally suspicious and silent, and for his +manner of stating his case. Had I for my sins to cram our M.P.'s for +the debates that lie before them, I should feed them liberally upon +_Folk of the Furrow_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUS REFEREE ORDERING HIMSELF OFF THE GROUND +FOR BEING HASTY TO AN IMPERTINENT PLAYER.] + + * * * * * + +TO MR. CHAMBERLAIN + +ON HIS RETIREMENT FROM PUBLIC LIFE. + + Not yet the end; only the end of strife. + But now--while still the brave unwearied heart, + Fixed upon England, fain to keep its part + In her Imperial life, + + Beats with the old unconquerable pride-- + Now leave to younger limbs the dust and palm, + And let the weary body seek the calm + That comes with eventide. + + There take your rest within the sunset glow, + All feuds forgotten of your fighting days, + Circled with love and laurelled with the praise + Of friend and ancient foe. + + O.S. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 14, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 12536.txt or 12536.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/3/12536/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., January 14, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 6, 2004 [EBook #12536] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +January 14, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +We hear that the CHANCELLOR has, while in North Africa, been making a +close study of camels, with a view to ascertaining the nature of the +last straw which breaks their backs. + + *** + +It is denied that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in order to give a practical +demonstration of his belief in the disarmament idea, has given +instructions that all precautions against attacks on him by +Suffragettes are to be discontinued. + + *** + +The Balkan situation is considered to have undergone a change for +the worse owing to the purchase by Turkey of the Dreadnought _Rio de +Janeiro_. For ourselves we cannot subscribe to this view. Is it likely +that the Turks, after paying over £2,000,000 for her, will risk losing +this valuable vessel in war? + + *** + +On the day of the marriage of the Teuton Coal-King's daughter to Lord +REDESDALE's son last week there was snow on the ground. The Coal-King +must have shown up very well against it. + + *** + +Sir REGINALD BRADE is to be the new permanent secretary at the War +Office. Let's hope he has no connection with the firm of Gold Brade +and Red Tape. + + *** + +It has been discovered that members of a certain Eskimo tribe have +an extra joint in their waists. The news has caused the greatest +excitement among cannibal tribes all over the world, and it is +expected that there will be a huge demand for these people. Where +there are big families to feed the extra joint will be invaluable. + + *** + +"OUR RESOLUTION IS TO GO FORWARD IN THE NEW YEAR." advertises the +London General Omnibus Co. A capital idea, this. Vehicles which simply +go backwards are never so satisfactory. + + *** + +After one-hundred-and-fifty-years' careful consideration the War +Office has given permission to the Black Watch and the King's +Royal Rifle Corps to bear on their regimental colours the honorary +distinction "North America, 1763-64," in recognition of services +rendered during the war against the Red Indians. + + *** + +Not sixty people visited "La Gioconda" on one of the days after +her return to Paris, when a charge of four shillings was made for +admission, and, towards the end of the day, the smile is said to have +worn a rather forced look. + + *** + +"Who are the best selling modern authors?" asks a contemporary. We +do not like to mention names, but, as readers, we have been sold by +several popular writers lately. + + *** + +We are not surprised that many persons are becoming rather disgusted +with our little amateurish attempts at Winter. Thousands now go to +Switzerland, and Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON is going even further afield. +Meanwhile the Government does nothing to stem this emigration. + + *** + +The boxing craze among the French continues. M. VEDRINES, the intrepid +aviator, has taken it up and been practising on M. Roux's ears. + + *** + +The German CROWN PRINCE has become a member of the Danzig Cabinet +Makers' Union. Later on he hopes to become a Chancellor-maker. + + *** + +Another impending apology? Headlines from _The Daily Chronicle_:-- + + "PNEUMONIA ON THE RAND. + DISCOVERY OF ITS CAUSE. + SIR ALMROTH WRIGHT'S + VACCINE TREATMENT." + + *** + +Could frugality go further? At the golden wedding celebrations of a +Southend couple, a packet of wedding cake was eaten which had been put +away on their marriage day in 1863. + + *** + +A soap combine, with a nominal capital of £35,000,000, is said to have +been formed to exploit China; and the Mongols may yet cease to be a +yellow race. + + *** + +The latest tall story from America is to the effect that some burglars +who broke into the Presbyterian church at Syracuse, New York, stole a +parcel of sermons. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PANTOMIME FAUNA. + +_Extract from the note-book of the dramatic critic of "the Wampton +Clarion_":-- + +Mr. Clarence Fink delighted the Audience with his truly life like +representation of [Crossed-out: a wolf bear lion cat monkey] an animal +of the furry tribe.] + + * * * * * + +YOUNG MOTHER'S SWAN-SONG. + + ["It was better for a young mother to start her new + chapter unhampered: the less she knew the better it was for + her."--_Mrs. Annie Swan_.] + + How do you take a baby up? + What does it like to eat? + Do you put rusks in a feeding cup? + Have you to mince its meat? + Haven't I heard them speak of pap? + Isn't there caudle too? + How do you keep the thing on your lap? + Why are its eyes askew? + Is it a touch of original sin + Causes an infant to squall, + Or trust misplaced in a safety-pin + Lost in the depths of a shawl? + When do you "shorten" a growing child + (_Is_ it so much too long)? + Should legs be lopped or the scalp be filed? + Both in a sense seem wrong. + "Kitchy," I think I have heard them say; + What shall I make it kitch? + "Bo" I believe in a mystic way + Frightens or soothes, but which? + Didn't I see one once reversed, + Patted about the spine? + Is it the way they should all be nursed? + Will it agree with mine? + Surely its gums are strangely bare? + Why does it dribble so? + Will reason dawn in that glassy stare + If I dandle it briskly? OH!!! + Grandmothers! Mothers! or Instinct, you! + Haste with your secret lore! + What, oh what shall I, what shall I do? + Baby has crashed to the floor! + + * * * * * + + "They adjourned to the Village Hell, where each child was + presented with a parcel of suitable clothing."--_Tonbridge + Free Press_. + +Asbestos, no doubt. + + * * * * * + +A PRANCING PRUSSIAN. + + (_Showing how Colonel VON REUTER, late of Zabern, appealed to + his regiment to defend the honour of the Army. The following + speech is based upon evidence given at the Strassburg trial._) + + My Prussian braves, on whom devolves the mission + To vindicate our gallant Army's worth, + Upholding in its present proud position + The noblest fighting instrument on earth-- + If, in your progress, any vile civilian + Declines the homage of the lifted hat, + Your business is to paint his chest vermilion-- + Kindly attend to that. + + Never leave barracks, when you go a-shopping, + Without an escort loaded up with lead; + Always maintain a desultory popping + At anyone who wags a wanton head; + If, as he passes, some low boy should whistle + With nose in air and shameless chin out-thrust, + Making your scandalised moustaches bristle-- + Reduce the dog to dust. + + I hear a sinister and shocking rumour + Touching the native tendency to chaff. + If you should meet with specimens of humour + See that our soldiers get the final laugh; + Fling the facetious corpses in the fountains + So as the red blood overflows the brink; + Keep on until the blue Alsatian mountains + Turn a reflective pink. + + Should any female whom your shadow touches + Grudge you the glad, but deferential, eye; + Should any cripple fail to hold his crutches + At the salute as you go marching by; + Draw, in the KAISER's name--'tis rank high treason; + Stun them with sabre-strokes upon the poll; + Then dump them (giving no pedantic reason) + Down cellars with the coal. + + Be on your guard against all people strolling + In ones or twos about the public square + Hard by your quarters; set your men patrolling; + Ask every knave what he is doing there; + And, if in your good wisdom you determine + To view their conduct in a dangerous light, + Bring the machine-guns out and blow the vermin + Into the _Ewigkeit_. + + Enough! I leave our honour in your keeping. + What are your bright swords for except to slay? + Preserve their lustre; let me see them leaping + Out of their scabbards twenty times a day; + Unless we smash these craven churls like crockery + To prove our right of place within the sun, + Our martial prestige has become a mockery + And Deutschland's day is done! + + O.S. + + * * * * * + + "The dancing, in the conventional bullet style, of Miss Sybil + Roe, was quite good."--_Wiltshire Times_. + +We confess that the bullet style is too fast for us. + + * * * * * + + "In all the best dress ateliers classic evening gowns are now + being exhibited, and in many of these the lines of the corsage + closely resemble the draperies to be seen on the Venus de + Milo."--_Daily Mail_. + +We must go and look at the Venus de Milo's corsage again. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW JOURNAL-INSURANCE. + + [Several newspapers have been roused to a sense of their + duties to their readers by the insurance competition between + _The Chronicle_ and _The Mail_. We make a few preliminary + announcements of other insurance schemes which are not yet + contemplated.] + +_VOTES FOR WOMEN_.--A copy of the current issue nailed to your front +door insures you absolutely against arson. + +_THE STAR_.--All regular subscribers to _The Star_ are insured with +the proprietors of _The Daily News_ for £1,000 in the event of being +welshed on any race-course. + +_THE NATIONAL REVIEW_.--Annual subscribers to _The National Review_ +are guaranteed £10,000 in the event of being (a) robbed on the highway +by a member of the present Ministry; (b) defrauded by a member of the +present Ministry; (c) having house burgled by member of the present +Ministry; (d) having pocket picked by member of present Ministry; +always excluding any act or acts done by the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER in a strictly official capacity. + +_THE CHURCH TIMES_.--All regular subscribers are insured for £500 +against excommunication. £1,000 will be paid to the heirs or assigns +of any reader who loses his head in a conflict with a Bishop (Deans, +Rural Deans, Canons and Archdeacons being excepted from the benefit of +this clause in the policy). + +_THE ENGLISH REVIEW_.--Poetic contributors are insured for £500 in the +event of a prosecution under the Blasphemy Laws. + +_THE DAILY EXPRESS_.--You can sleep soundly in your bed, you can sleep +soundly in your train, if the current issue of _The Daily Express_ +be on your person. All purchasers are insured for £10,000 against any +conflagrations or explosions caused by bombs or combustibles dropped +from German airships. + +_THE BRITISH WEEKLY_.--All readers of _The British Weekly_ are insured +for £1,000 in the event of heart-failure caused by shock while reading +the thrilling stories provided by SILAS, JOSEPH, TIMOTHY and JEREMIAH +HOCKING. + +_THE RECORD_.--£500 will be paid to any annual subscriber forcibly +detained in a convent, provided that at the time of such detention a +copy of the current issue of _The Record_ be in his possession. £1,000 +will be paid to the legal representatives of any reader burnt at the +stake. + +_THE CRICCIETH CHRONICLE_.--£3 a week for life, together with a +poultry farm on a Sutherland deer-forest, to the owner of any shorn +lamb which is found dead in a snow-drift with a copy of the current +issue wrapt round it, to keep it warm. + + * * * * * + +The great world rolls on, but of the master-brains which direct its +movement the man in the street knows nothing. He has never heard +of the Clerk of the Portland Urban District Council; he is entirely +ignorant of Army Order 701. + + "Dear Sir" (writes the Clerk)--"A meeting of the Underhill + Members of the Council will be held to-morrow (Saturday), at 3 + o'clock p.m., in Spring Gardens (Fortuneswell) for the purpose + of selecting a site for the Telegraph Post." + + "With effect from 1st January, 1914" (says the Army Order) + "rewigging of gun sponges will be done by the Ordnance + Department instead of locally as at present." + + * * * * * + + "Inman was seen to greater advantage at yesterday afternoon's + session in this match of 18,000 up, in Edinburgh, than on + any previous day of the match, scoring 1,083 while Aiken was + aggregating the mentally afflicted."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + +One must amuse oneself somehow while the other man is at the table. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SEA-CHANGE. + +TORY CHORUS (_to WINSTON_). "YOU'VE MADE ME LOVE YOU; I DIDN'T WANT TO +DO IT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amiable Uncle_ (_doing some conjuring to amuse the +children_). "SEE, HERE I HAVE A BILLIARD BALL--I AM GOING TO TURN IT +INTO SOMETHING ELSE." + +_First Bored Youngster_ (_to second ditto_). "WHY SHOULD HE? IT'S A +VERY NICE BALL."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO TELL AN EDITOR. + +In view of _The Daily Mail's_ praiseworthy efforts to instruct +applicants for situations in the correct phrasing of letters to +prospective employers, we propose to supply a similar long-felt want, +and give a little advice as to the kind of letter it is desirable to +enclose with contributions to periodicals. + +Begin your letter in a friendly vein, hoping the Editor and his people +are pretty well. Remember also that Editors like to know something +of the characters and histories of their contributors. So let your +communication include a _résumé_ of your personal and literary career. +Don't fall into the error of making your letter too concise. + +The following suggestions may serve to indicate some of the lines of +thought that you might follow:-- + +(1) State where you sent your first manuscript. + +(2) What you thought of it, and of the Editor who returned it. + +(3) Your height and chest measurement (an Editor likes to be on the +safe side). + +(4) State who persuaded you to take up literature, and give height and +chest measurement of same. + +(5) Give a short but optimistic description of your contribution, not +to exceed in length the contribution itself. + +(6) State whether literary genius is rife in your family or has been +rife at any time since 1066. + +(7) Give a list of journals to which you have already sent the +enclosed contribution, and state your reasons for supposing that the +Editors were misguided. Hint that perhaps, after all, their lack of +enterprise was fortunate for the present recipient. + +(8) Mention your hobbies and the different appointments you have held +since the age of twelve, with names and addresses of employers. Also +give your reasons for remaining as long as you did in each situation. + +(9) State how long you have been a subscriber to the journal you are +electing to honour, and whether you think it's worth the money. Point +out any little improvements you consider desirable in its compilation, +and mention other periodicals as perfect examples. Preface these +remarks with some such phrase as this: "Pray don't think I want to +teach you your business, but--" + +(10) Give full list (names and addresses) of friends who have promised +to buy the paper if your contribution appears. + +(11) Give a brief outline, in faultless English, of your religious, +political and police court convictions, your views on Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE, and any ideas you may have about the Law of Copyright. + +Finally, enclose a stamped and addressed envelope for the return of +your article. + + * * * * * + + "It has always been supposed that Charles I. when Prince of + Wales and travelling incognito with the Duke of Buckingham saw + and fell in love with Marie Antoinette." + +Not by us. We always supposed he fell in love with SARAH BERNHARDT. + + * * * * * + +THE SAME OLD STORY. + +We stood in a circle round the parrot's cage and gazed with interest +at its occupant. She (Evangeline) was balancing easily on one leg, +while with the other leg and her beak she tried to peel a monkey-nut. +There are some of us who hate to be watched at meals, particularly +when dealing with the dessert, but Evangeline is not of our number. + +"There," said Mrs. Atherley, "isn't she a beauty?" + +I felt that, as the last to be introduced, I ought to say something. + +"What do you say to a parrot?" I whispered to Miss Atherley. + +"Have a banana," suggested Archie. + +"I believe you say, 'Scratch-a-poll,'" said Miss Atherley, "but I +don't know why." + +"Isn't that rather dangerous? Suppose it retorted 'Scratch your own,' +I shouldn't know a bit how to go on." + +"It can't talk," said Archie. "It's quite a baby--only seven months +old. But it's no good showing it your watch; you must think of some +other way of amusing it." + +"Break it to me, Archie. Have I been asked down solely to amuse the +parrot, or did any of you others want to see me?" + +"Only the parrot," said Archie. + +Evangeline paid no attention to us. She continued to wrestle with the +monkey-nut. I should say that she was a bird not easily amused. + +"Can't it really talk at all?" I asked Mrs. Atherley. + +"Not yet. You see, she's only just come over from South America, and +isn't used to the climate yet." + +"Just the person you'd expect to talk a lot about the weather. I +believe you've been had. Write a little note to the poulterers and ask +if you can change it. You've got a bad one by mistake." + +"We got it as a bird," said Mrs. Atherley with dignity, "not as a +gramophone." + +The next morning Evangeline was as silent as ever. Miss Atherley and I +surveyed it after breakfast. It was still grappling with a monkey-nut, +but no doubt a different one. + +"Isn't it _ever_ going to talk?" I asked. "Really, I thought parrots +were continually chatting." + +"Yes, but they have to be taught--just like you teach a baby." + +"Are you sure? I quite see that you have to teach them any special +things you want them to say, but I thought they were all born with +a few simple obvious remarks, like 'Poor Polly,' or--or 'Dash LLOYD +GEORGE.'" + +"I don't think so," said Miss Atherley. "Not the green ones." + +At dinner that evening, Mr. Atherley being now with us, the question +of Evangeline's education was seriously considered. + +"The only proper method," began Mr. Atherley--"By the way," he said, +turning to me, "you don't know anything about parrots, do you?" + +"No," I said. "You can go on quite safely." + +"The only proper method of teaching a parrot--I got this from a man in +the City this morning--is to give her a word at a time, and to go on +repeating it over and over again until she's got hold of it." + +"And after that the parrot goes on repeating it over and over again +until you've got sick of it," said Archie. + +"Then we shall have to be very careful what word we choose," said Mrs. +Atherley. + +"What is your favourite word?" + +"Well, really--" + +"Animal, vegetable or mineral?" asked Archie. + +"This is quite impossible. Every word by itself seems so silly." + +"Not 'home' and 'mother,'" I said reproachfully. + +"You shall recite your little piece in the drawing-room afterwards," +said Miss Atherley to me. "Think of something sensible now." + +"Yes," said Mrs. Atherley. "What's the latest word from London?" + +"Kikuyu." + +"What?" + +"I can't say it again," I protested. + +"If you can't even say it twice, it's no good for Evangeline." + +A thoughtful silence fell upon us. + +"Have you fixed on a name for her yet?" Miss Atherley asked her +mother. + +"Evangeline, of course." + +"No, I mean a name for her to call _you_. Because if she's going +to call you 'Auntie' or 'Darling,' or whatever you decide on, you'd +better start by teaching her that." + +And then I had a brilliant idea. + +"I've got the very word," I said. "It's 'hallo.' You see, it's a +pleasant form of greeting to any stranger, and it will go perfectly +with the next word that she's taught, whatever it may be." + +"Supposing it's 'wardrobe,'" suggested Archie, "or 'sardine'?" + +"Why not? 'Hallo, Sardine' is the perfect title for a _revue_. Witty, +subtle, neat--probably the great brain of the Revue King has already +evolved it, and is planning the opening scene." + +"Yes, 'hallo' isn't at all bad," said Mr. Atherley. "Anyway, it's +better than 'Poor Polly,' which is simply morbid. Let's fix on +'hallo.'" + +"Good," said Mrs. Atherley. + +Evangeline said nothing, being asleep under her blanket. + + * * * * * + +I was down first next morning, having forgotten to wind up my watch +overnight. Longing for company I took the blanket off Evangeline's +cage and introduced her to the world again. She stirred sleepily, +opened her eyes and blinked at me. + +"Hallo, Evangeline," I said. + +She made no reply. + +Suddenly a splendid scheme occurred to me. I would teach Evangeline +her word now. How it would surprise the others when they came down and +said "Hallo" to her, to find themselves promptly answered back! + +"Evangeline," I said, "listen. Hallo, hallo, hallo, hallo." I stopped +a moment and went on more slowly. "Hallo--hallo--hallo." + +It was dull work. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo--hallo," and then very distinctly, +"Hal-_lo_." + +Evangeline looked at me with an utterly bored face. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo." + +She picked up a monkey nut and ate it languidly. + +"Hallo," I went on, "hallo, hallo ... hallo, _hallo_, HALLO, HALLO ... +hallo, hallo--" + +She dropped her nut and roused herself for a moment. + +"Number engaged," she snapped, and took another nut. + + * * * * * + +You needn't believe this. The others didn't when I told them. + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +From "Notes, Questions and Answers" in _T.P.'s Weekly_:-- + + "Author wanted, and where the whole poem can be found:-- + + "Drink to me only with thine eyes, + And I'll not ask for wine." + + C.E.H. + + [Herrick. A collected edition of the poems is published by + J.M. Dent at 1s. net.--ED. N.Q.A.]" + +Afterthought by ED. N.Q.A.: "At least I think it's HERRICK ... or +WORDSWORTH ... but wait till the Editor comes back from Algiers. He's +sure to know." + + * * * * * + + "Sir John Thornycroft kicked off in a football charity match + at Bembridge, Isle of Wight, in which the combined ages of the + players was 440 years."--_Hull Daily Mail_. + +Why not? + + * * * * * + + "M. Timiriazeff, president of the Anglo-British Chamber of + Commerce, followed with a speech."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +We like his Anglo-British name. + + * * * * * + +WINTER SPORTS. + + [_Some additional aspects of the fashionable topic that + seem to have escaped the writers of similar articles in our + contemporaries_.] + +(I.)--BUYING THE HOTEL. + +For this game several players are required, who form themselves into +one or more parties according to numbers. A player, preferably a +woman, is selected as leader, and should possess nerve, coolness, and +an authoritative voice. The object of the game is to secure (1) The +best rooms; (2) Tables with a view; (3) The controlling interest in +all projects of entertainment. It is an important advantage for the +leader to have stayed in the hotel at least once previously. If she +is able to announce on arrival, "Here we are as usual!" and to greet +the proprietor and staff by name, this often gives an initial blow +exceedingly hard to parry. English visitors have been proving very +adept at the sport this season, with Americans a good second. The +German game, on the contrary, is slower and less subtle. + +(II.)--SPOTTING THE PARSON. + +An amusing game that has been very popular at many Swiss resorts +lately, and one that calls for the qualifications of a quick brain +and a keen eye. The universal adoption of sweaters and woollen +caps makes the task of the players one of considerable difficulty. +Envelope-reading should be forbidden by the rules, and some codes even +debar the offering of a _Church Times_ to a suspected stranger. The +_Athenæum_ and _Spectator_ may, however, be freely employed as bait. +A simpler version of the same sport called "HOW MANY SCHOOLMASTERS?" +is often indulged in between December 20th and January 15th, after +which latter date it loses its point. + +Other games, seldom chronicled but inquiring at least as much skill +from their votaries as the better known varieties, are EARLY MORNING +SKI-BAGGING--at which the Germans frequently carry all before +them--and PRESSING THE PRESS-PHOTOGRAPHER, where the object of all the +players is to appear recognizably in a snap-shot for the illustrated +journals. At this the record score of three weekly and five daily +papers has been held for two successive seasons by the same player, a +gentleman whose dexterity is the subject of universal admiration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE--_Interior of box at Fancy Dress Ball_. + +_Host of Party_. "I SAY, BETTY, I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A CITY +FRIEND OF MINE, _MR. JONES_." + +_Hostess_ (_hospitably_). "HOW D'YOU DO? OH, YOU'RE _AWFULLY_ GOOD!" + +_Host_ (_sotto voce_). "TAKE CARE! HE'S NOT MADE UP AT ALL."] + + * * * * * + +THE WONDER ZOO. + +Canada has evolved a novelty described as a "new beef animal," which +is a blend of the domestic cow and the North American bison. The +resulting prodigy has the ferocious hump and shoulders of the bison, +with the mildly benevolent face of the Herefordshire ox. It must +not, however, be supposed that the old country is behind-hand in such +experiments, as witness the following:-- + +Billingsgate salesmen have lately been supplied with advance copies +of the new Codoyster fish. This epicurean triumph, which owes its +existence to the research of several eminent specialists, is the +result of a blend of the North Sea cod and the finest Whitstable +native. The result is said to reproduce in a remarkable degree the +succulent qualities of the original fish when eaten with oyster sauce, +and caterers are sure to welcome the combination of these popular +items in so handy a form. + +Several fine examples of the Soho chicken have lately appeared upon +the show benches at various important poultry contests. This ingenious +creation, which has long been familiar to the patrons of our less +expensive restaurants (hence the name), is said to possess qualities +of endurance superior to anything previously on the market. Its +muscular development is phenomenal, while the entire elimination of +the liver, and the substitution of four extra drum-sticks for the +ordinary wings and thighs, are noteworthy characteristics. + +Success in another branch of the same endeavour is shown in the latest +report of the Society for the Prolongation of Dachshunds. According +to this the worm-ideal seems at last to be in sight, careful +inter-breeding having now produced a variety called the Processional, +selected specimens of which take from one to two minutes in passing +any given spot. The almost entire disappearance of legs is another +attractive feature. + +Meanwhile Major-Gen. Threebottle writes from Oporto Lodge, Ealing, +strongly protesting against any further complication of the fauna of +these islands, and pointing out that the simple snakes and cats of our +youth were already sufficiently formidable to a nervous invalid like +himself without the addition of such objectionable novelties. + + * * * * * + + "Without warning, while the car was travelling at about + fifteen miles per hour, the tyre of the front wheel + burst."--_Scotsman_. + +Our tyres are much better trained, and each of the four gives a +distinctive cough before bursting. + + * * * * * + + "WAREHOUSEMAN (jun.), clothing dept., large + corporation."--_Advt. in_ "_Glasgow Herald_." + +He should show off the new line in check waistcoats to the best +advantage. + + * * * * * + +THE SECRET OUT. + +AN INTERVIEW. + +He had a coarse confident face, a red nose, a Cockney accent and a +raucous voice. He was dressed as a sluttish woman. + +Directly I saw him I was conscious of a feeling of repulsion, which I +fear my expression must have indicated, for he looked surprised. + +"Why aren't you laughing?" he asked. + +"Why should I laugh?" I asked in return. + +"Because you are looking at me," he said. "I am accustomed to laughter +the instant I appear." + +"Why?" + +"Because I am a funny man," he said. + +"How?" + +"I look funny," he said; "I say funny things; I draw a good salary for +it. If I wasn't funny I shouldn't draw a good salary, should I?" + +"You do draw it," I said guardedly. "Be funny now." + +"'Wait till I catch you bending,'" he said with a violent grimace. +"'What ho! 'Ave a drop of gin, ole dear?'" + +"Be funny now," I repeated. + +He looked bewildered. "I _was_ being funny," he said. "I bring the +house down with that, as a rule." + +"Where?" + +"In panto," he said. + +"Oh!" I replied. "So you're the funny man of a pantomime, are you?" + +"Yes," he said. + +"Which one?" + +"All of them," he said. + +"Good," I replied. "I have long wanted a talk with you. There are +things I want to ask you. Why, for instance, do you always pretend to +be a grimy slum woman?" + +"It seems to be expected," he said. + +"Who expects it? The children?" + +"What children?" + +"The children who go to pantomimes," I said. + +"Oh, those! Well, they laugh," he replied evasively. + +"They like to see you quarrelling with your husband and getting +drunk?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to hear you, as an Ugly Sister in _Cinderella_, singing +'Father's on the booze again; mother's off her chump'?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you as the wife of Ali Baba, finding pawntickets +in your husband's pockets and charging him with spending his money on +flappers?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as The Widow Twankay, visit a race meeting and +get welshed and have your clothes torn off?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as Dick Whittington's mother, telling the cat +that, if he must eat onions, at any rate he can refrain from kissing +her?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as the dame in _Goody Two Shoes_, open a night +club on the strict understanding that it is only for clergymen's +daughters in need of recreation?" + +"They laugh," he said again. + +"But they don't know what you mean?" + +"No. But I'm funny. That's what you don't seem to understand. I'm so +funny that everything I say and do makes them laugh. It doesn't, in +fact, matter _what_ I say." + +"Ah!" I replied, "I have you there! In that case why don't you say a +few simpler and sweeter things?" + +He seemed perplexed. + +"Things," I explained, "that don't want quite so much knowledge of the +seamy side of life?" + +"Go on!" he said derisively. "I haven't got time to mug _that_ up. +I've got my living to get. You don't suppose I invent my jokes, do +you? I collect them. I'm on the Halls the rest of the year, and I hear +them there. There hasn't been a new joke in a pantomime these twenty +years. But what you don't seem to get into your head, mister, is the +fact that I make them laugh. Laugh. I'm a scream, I tell you." + +"And laughter is all you want?" I asked. + +"I must either make people laugh or get 'the bird.'" + +"But hasn't it ever occurred to you," I said, "that children in a +theatre at Christmas time are entitled to have a little fun that +is not wholly connected with sordid domestic affairs and pothouse +commonness?" + +"Never," he said, and I believed him. + +"Haven't you children of your own?" + +"Several." + +"And is that how you amuse them at home?" + +"Of course not. They're too young." + +"How old are they?" + +"From six to thirteen." + +"But that's the age of the children who go to pantomimes," I +suggested. + +"Well, it's different in your own home," he said. "Besides," he added, +"it isn't children I aim at in my jokes. There's other things for +them: the fairy ballets, the comic dog." + +"And what is the audience you aim at?" I asked. "I suppose there is +one definite figure you have in your mind's eye?" + +"Yes," he said, "there is one. The person in the audience that I +always aim at is the silly servant-girl in the front row of the +gallery. That's why I so often say 'girls' before I make a joke. +You've heard me, haven't you?" + +"Haven't I?" I groaned. + + * * * * * + +THE GAME LICENCE. + +It was yesterday afternoon, towards the close of the last beat of our +annual cover shoot, that I perceived a fellow in a yellow waterproof +popping up his head from time to time (at no little risk to his life) +over a dyke some way behind the line of guns. As soon as the beaters +came out he advanced and introduced himself as an Excise Officer, +asking "if this would be a convenient moment to examine the game +licences of the party." + +It was not at all a convenient moment for Walter--who hadn't got one. +My thoughts flew at once to Walter in this crisis, for I knew he was +bound to be had. Walter never does have game licences, season tickets, +adhesive labels, telegraph forms or things of that sort. And as he +had only returned from Canada two days before and this was the first +time that he had been out, and further as he immediately disappeared +and hid behind the hedge, I knew that my worst suspicions must be +confirmed. While the Excise Officer was taking down the names and +addresses of the rest of the party I went after Walter. He was sitting +in the ditch with his head in his hands. + +"If this had happened a few years ago, old chap," he said, "when I +was a younger man, I should have run for it. But to-day I believe that +feller would overhaul me within half-a-mile. My wind's rotten. Do you +think he'll find us here?" + +"Yes," said I, "he is coming this way." + +Walter got up. "There must be some way out of it," he said +thoughtfully, "if one could only think of it." Then he boldly +confronted his accuser. + +"Since you put it to me," he said, "no, I have no game licence. But +fortunately in my case it is not necessary. I am exempt." + +The Officer stared at him a moment. + +"Certainly it is necessary," he said. + +"Kindly show me the form of this licence," said Walter in the most +lordly, off-hand, _de-haut-en-bas_ tone of voice, and the Officer +handed him one belonging to the Major, which he had been scrutinizing. +"This, I perceive," said Walter, when he had read it carefully, "is a +licence or certificate to kill game. It doesn't apply to me." + +"Why not?" + +"Because I haven't killed any game." + +"But you have your gun in your hand at this moment." + +"That is so. This is my gun. But where, I ask you, is my dead game? +The truth is, my dear fellow," he went on, dropping his voice to a +more confidential level, "though it's pretty humiliating to have to +admit it and all that, especially before the beaters--the truth is +that I haven't hit a blamed thing to-day. Rotten, isn't it?" + +Walter isn't much of a shot and there weren't many birds anyway, and +he hadn't been very lucky in his stands--and when one came to think +it over one couldn't just exactly _remember_ anything at all having +fallen to his gun. + +"I call all these fellows to witness," said Walter most impressively, +"that I have killed no game. If it pleases me to discharge my gun, at +short intervals, for the sake of the bang--" + +"You require a gun licence," said the Officer. + +"That is not the point. I may or may not have a gun licence, but our +present controversy relates to a certificate to kill game. Do not let +us confuse the issue." + +It now appeared, however, that the Officer had been waiting behind the +dyke rather longer than we knew. "I myself," he said firmly, "saw you +bring down a cock pheasant at the beginning of the last beat." + +Walter consulted the paper in his hand. "I observe," he said, "that +this licence (or certificate) relates to killing game. There is +nothing said of bringing it down. I may, as you say, have induced a +cock pheasant to descend. I certainly didn't kill him. As a matter of +fact he was lightly touched on the wing, and he ran like a hare." + +"He's in that patch of bracken there," said the Officer. "If you will +send a keeper and a dog with me--" + +"No, I can't do that," said Walter, "unless you can show me a written +authority empowering you, in the KING's name, to borrow keepers and +dogs." + +It was then that the fun began. The Officer went off like a shot +up the hillside, started the old cock, chased him up the ditch and +through the hedge, and finally, to everyone's surprise and delight, +collared him in a corner of the dyke. There were loud cheers from the +enthusiastic crowd, but they were cut short by a sharp warning from +Walter. + +"Be careful how you handle that bird, Sir!" he cried. "If anything +happens to him I shall hold you responsible. I have no reason to +believe that you hold a licence (or certificate) to kill game. If he +suffers a mortal injury I shall report you." + +The Officer began to look rather bewildered and the old cock flapped +his wings. + +"I'll thank you for that bird," said Walter firmly, and he took it and +tucked it comfortably under his arm. + +"What are you going to do with it?" asked the Officer. + +"I am going to nurse it back to health and strength," said Walter. "It +only requires a little close attention. I shall be happy if you will +call in about a week's time to enquire. Good afternoon. I am very +pleased to have met you." And Walter held out his hand. + +Well, that is where the matter rests. If Walter can keep the bird +alive the case against him falls to the ground. If not, I suppose it +means a three-pound licence and a ten-pound fine. He took him straight +back to the Home Farm and secured for him dry and airy quarters in the +poultry run, and did not leave him till he had seen to his comfort in +every way and given minute directions as to his treatment.... + +I am afraid the old cock passed a rather restless night, but he was +able to take part of a warm mash, with two drops of laudanum in it, at +an early hour this morning. At this moment I hear Walter getting out +his motor-bicycle. I fancy he is going for the vet. + + * * * * * + +Says Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER:-- + + "There is a journal in London which has the impertinence to + call itself _The Nation_, but ... it does not represent the + merest fraction of our countrymen." + +Mr. SHORTER's own paper is called, more modestly, _The Sphere_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FUTURE OF BRITISH BOXING. + +_Rough_ (_to policeman who has knocked him down_). "WELL, IT'S WORF +IT. TO ME BELONGS THE CREDIT OF 'AVIN' DISCOVERED A BLOOMIN' WHITE +'OPE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GETTING USED TO THE "SMILING EXPRESSION." + +OUR SUGGESTION FOR A SYSTEM OF ADVANCED PHYSICAL TRAINING FOR PRUSSIAN +OFFICERS BEFORE TAKING UP COMMANDS IN THE ALSATIAN DISTRICT, WHERE THE +POPULACE IS SAID TO BE ADDICTED TO HUMOUR.] + + * * * * * + +OLD FRIENDS. + +I was in the train because I had to go to Birmingham; I was in the +dining car because I had to dine. With all respect to the Company I +cannot pretend that I regarded myself as doing anything remarkable or +distinguished. The little man opposite me, however, felt differently. +I have since been told that they of Birmingham are very proud of their +non-stop train service by both routes. + +"This, Sir," said the stranger, as I lowered my paper to help myself +to a proffered roll--"this is one of the Two-Hour trains." + +"You don't say," said I politely but not encouragingly. + +"Two hours," he repeated impressively. + +"Indeed? Two whole hours and not a moment less?" and I returned to my +paper pending the soup's arrival. + +"Is it not wonderful," he resumed when I was at his mercy again, +"to be travelling at sixty miles an hour and eating soup at the same +time?" + +"Some people eat soup," said I, "and some drink it. For myself, I give +it a miss;" and I returned to the news. + +With the fish: "I came up by the breakfast train this morning," said +he, "and I now return by the dining train." He meant by this to give +credit to the Company rather than to himself, but even so it seemed to +fall short of the complete ideal. There was something wanting. It was +luncheon, of course. + +"They run luncheon cars too," said he. + +"Then there seems to be no reason why you should ever leave the train +at all," I remarked, seeking refuge again in my paper. In spite, +however, of my coldness, he continued to assail me with similar facts +every time I emerged. Finally he took a sheet of slightly soiled paper +and pencilled on it a schedule of our movements. It ran:-- + + Mileage. Place. Time. + + -- Euston 6.55 P.M. + 5½ Willesden [7.4] " + 17½ Watford [7.18] " + 46¾ Bletchley [7.50] " + 82¼ Rugby [8.24] " + 94¼ Coventry [8.36] " + 113 Birmingham 8.55 " + +"To give this the very careful consideration it deserves," said I, "I +must be left absolutely to myself." + +Later on, feeling that I had perhaps been rude, I offered the man a +cigar by way of compensation. He accepted it as a mark of esteem and +burst forth into more conversation. By now a little fed up with trains +himself he suggested, for the sake of something new to say, that he +had met me before somewhere. At first I had some idea of asking for my +cigar to be returned, but instead I gave in to his persistence. More, +I joined in the conversation with an energy which surprised him. + +"Now I come to think of it we _have_ seen each other before; but +where?" I said. + +He thought promiscuously, disconnectedly and aloud. I could accept +none of his suggestions because all referred to commercial rooms in +provincial hotels, places to which I have not the _entrée_. "But I +know now," I declared brightly; "it was at a place just this side of +London that I saw you first." + +"First?" he asked. + +"Oh yes," said I. "I have seen you more than once. Surely you haven't +forgotten that time at Watford?" + +He felt that I had the advantage of him. "When was that?" he asked. + +"Not very long after the first time; and the next occasion I remember +seeing you was at a place called--called--something beginning with a +B." + +He was quite unable to cope with the situation. + +"And the next time," I continued, "I happened to be passing through +that town where the school is--you know, Rugby. I distinctly recollect +noticing then that you hadn't changed in the least since I last saw +you." + +He couldn't decide whether to be more flattered at my remembering or +more annoyed at his own forgetting. + +"Come, come," I exclaimed, "you surely cannot have forgotten that +little chat we had at Coventry?" + +"Coventry?" he asked. "But how long ago was that?" + +"Quite recently," I asserted. + +"But I haven't set foot in Coventry for years," said he. + +"Nor have I, ever," said I. + +I could understand his feelings thoroughly. It might be that I was a +liar; it might be that I was a lunatic. In either case he did not wish +to converse further with me. Happily, I had two newspapers available. + + * * * * * + +As the speed of our train, in which of old he had taken such a pride, +began to slacken: "And I shouldn't be surprised," I said from behind +my paper, "if you and I saw each other again quite soon. The world is +a small place and these things soon develop into a habit." + +He made no answer from behind his paper. + +"If you ask me when and where" (as in fact he didn't), "I should say +it is just as likely as not to happen at Birmingham at about 8.55 +P.M.," I estimated, relying upon his own schedule. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SAND CAMPAIGN. + +SCENE--_Algeria, on the border of the desert_. + + THE ARAB AND THE CHANCELLOR + WERE WALKING HAND-IN-HAND; + THE LATTER WEPT A LOT TO SEE + SUCH QUANTITIES OF SAND; + "WHY ARE YOU HOLDING UP," HE SAID, + "THIS VERY FERTILE LAND?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Harold_ (_who has just been kissed by his sister_). "I +SAY, I WONDER WHAT SHE'S UP TO?" + +_Friend_. "SIGN OF AFFECTION, ISN'T IT?" + +_Harold_. "_AFFECTION_, YOU GOAT! SHE NEVER DOES THAT TILL THE LAST +DAY OF THE HOLS, AND THERE'S A WEEK TO GO YET."] + + * * * * * + + "The play was preceded by 'The £12 Hook,' another Barrie + comedy of more recent date."--_Sydney Morning Herald_. + +We should prefer to call it "The £12 Eye." + + * * * * * + + "LABOUR IN SOUTH AFRICA. + BLACK OUTLOOK." + + _Morning Post_. + +Let us hear both sides. What is the White Outlook? + + * * * * * + + "The grievance of the men is in regard to the rate of pay. + They are paid 5½d. per hair."--_Glasgow News_. + +And then when they are old and bald they have to starve. + + * * * * * + + "TANGO RAPIDLY DYING. + DANCE UPHELD BY MR. MAX PEMBERTON." + _Daily Chronicle_. + +This is the sort of thing that the Revue King has to put up with. +Truly the lot of royalty is not an enviable one. + + * * * * * + +From an advertisement of Tango matinées in _The Lyceum_:-- + + "RESERVED TAUTENILS (4 first rows) 10/-- + TAUTENILS (tea included) 7/6 + TAUTENILS (tea not included) 6/--" + +_Gourmet_ (_planking down his seven-and-six_). "Tea and tautenils, +please." + + * * * * * + +Seen on a Liverpool hoarding:-- + + "Quo Vadis: Whither goest thou in eight reels?" + + _Answer_. "Anywhere in reason, but not home." + + * * * * * + +IN THE GARDEN OF ALLAH. + + Weary of the struggle and the squalors + Which beset the politician's life-- + Work that for a modicum of dollars + Brings a whole infinity of strife-- + Three of England's most illustrious cronies + Started on a winter holiday, + With no thought of MURRAY or Marconis-- + GEORGE and HENRY and the great TAY PAY. + + Never since ÆNEAS and his raiders + Stayed with DIDO in the days of yore + Did such irresistible invaders + Land upon the Carthaginian shore. + GEORGE, of course, the largest crowds attended, + But I'm told the kind Algerians say + That ÆNEAS wasn't half so splendid + Or so pious as the good TAY PAY. + + Noble sheikhs and black and bearded Bashas + Bowed, whene'er they met them, to the ground; + Festas and fantasias and tamashas + Followed in a never-ending round. + GEORGE no more on his detractors brooded; + HENRY simply sang the livelong day; + While unmixed benevolence exuded + From the loving heart of kind TAY PAY. + + Side by side they read the works of HICHENS; + Hand in hand they sampled the bazaars; + Ate the sweetmeats cooked in native kitchens; + Flew about in sumptuous motor-cars; + Golfed where once great HANNIBAL was scheming; + Joked where luckless DIDO once held sway; + For the finest jokes were always streaming + From the lips of comical TAY PAY. + + Other days they spent in caracoling, + Mounted each upon a mettled barb, + Or along the streets serenely strolling + Clad in semi-oriental garb; + HENRY with a cummerbund suburban; + GEORGE disguised to look like ENVER BEY; + While a kilt surmounted by a turban + Veiled the massive contours of TAY PAY. + + Daily they partook of ripe and juicy + Fruit, and Mocha coffee and kibobs; + Daily they conversed with EL SENOUSSI + And a lot of other native nobs; + HENRY practised Algerine fandangos; + GEORGE upon the tom-tom learned to play; + And a dervish taught ten Arab tangos + To the light fantastical TAY PAY. + + Whither will they wander next, I wonder? + Not, I hope and pray, within the reach + Of the tribes who live on loot and plunder, + Fanatics who practise what they preach. + Fancy if these horrible disturbers, + Swooping on our countrymen astray, + Touaregs and Bedouins and Berbers, + Carried off the succulent TAY PAY! + + Hardly had this agonizing presage + Taken shape within my tortured brain, + When good REUTER flashed the welcome message, + "Chancellor Returns," across the main. + Neptune, be thy waters calm, not choppy, + As they speed them on their homeward way, + GEORGE and HENRY and, bowed down with "copy," + Our unique arch-eulogist, TAY PAY. + + * * * * * + +THE MARRIED MAN'S ADVANTAGE. + +Personally I think too much respect is paid to age. There is nothing +clever in being old--nothing at all. On the other hand, youth has a +charm of its own. Besides, twenty-two is not young; you wouldn't +think me so if you really knew me. The doubt arises, I suppose, from +a certain innate light-heartedness. It is really rather pathetic. + +Daphne chooses to see humour in the situation, which is very absurd +of her, and, as I point out, merely reflects on herself. Surely she +doesn't wish to admit that it is foolish to love her. + +And that, to make a clean breast of it, is exactly what I do, and do +madly. + +I follow her about, reverently watching her every movement, hanging +on her every word--no light task. And my reward? A scant unceremonious +"Hallo!" when we meet; a scanter "Night" or "Morning," according to +the circumstances, when we part. A brave smile from me and she is +gone, an unwitting spectator of a real tragedy. + +Up to a few days ago I was content to bear with my lot, but last week +I rebelled. It was at a dance, after supper. Daphne had certainly +shown a sort of affection for me, motherly rather than otherwise, +I think; nevertheless an affection. But then, and not for the first +time, I had seen her flirting with another. + +I decided to lose my temper. I went into the smoke-room and +deliberated very close to the fire. In five minutes I left the room +heated. + +I found Daphne at once. + +"Our dance," I said. "We will sit out." + +My manner must have been rather terrifying. At any rate we sat out. + +"Daphne," I began, "I am in a mood that brooks no trifling. For weeks +I have loved you. You spurn me." + +"Oh, Billy, do be sensible," Daphne murmured. + +I moderated my tone. "Well, look here," I said, "why are you so cold +to me and yet flirt with my cousin? I saw you putting his tie straight +and patting his arm just now; and you won't let me even hold your +hand. It's pretty hard, Daphne." + +She laughed. "My dear Billy--" + +"Many thanks for yours of yesterday. I am having a very good time and +it is really kind of me to write." + +"If you won't be sensible--" + +"I am. It's just because I'm so serious that I jest. All the wittiest +men are broken-hearted. Go on." + +"Well, my dear Billy, you mustn't be foolish. I'm very fond of you, +but you're so ridiculously young." + +"You haven't a revolver about you?" I enquired. + +Daphne sighed. "Billy, you're quite hopeless. Do let me try to +explain. You see, I can't--well--flirt with you, because I don't +really flirt, of course, and besides your cousin's different--he's +married." + +I got up quickly. "Good-bye," I said. "You must excuse my leaving +you." + +Daphne looked surprised. "Where are you going?" she enquired. + +"To get married." I walked away with my head in the air. + + * * * * * + +A week later I wrote Daphne a letter. It ran as follows:-- + +"MY DEAR DAPHNE,--I am going to get married. Tina is nineteen, the +same as you, and is in the chorus of a musical comedy. She has real +jet black hair, so I am quite lucky. I hope you are fonder of me +already. + +Yours devotedly, BILLY." + +In reply, and by return of post, I received an invitation to tea at +Daphne's. Daphne, looking beautiful, was awaiting me. + +"How d'you do?" I said gravely. + +"Billy," Daphne began, "will you be really serious with me?" + +I immediately assumed a business manner and coughed. + +"Well?" I said. + +The word was sharp and incisive, a regular lawyer's question. + +"Of course, you're joking about this chorus girl?" + +"Joking! Daphne, you know I'd do anything for you." + +Daphne smiled. "But, Billy, I shan't like you any better if you marry +her." + +I bit a piece of cake coldly. "I don't understand you, Daphne," I +said. "When I ask you to show me a little affection, only just what +you show others, you tell me I'm young and married men are different. +I arrange to be different at considerable personal sacrifice, and you +tell me you won't like me any better." I swallowed convulsively. + +"But, Billy--dear--you're not actually engaged?" + +"I'm not so sure," I replied. "These girls are wonderfully sharp; and +then, of course, I'm so young." (A good touch.) + +There was a silence. + +"I shall hate you if you marry a chorus girl," said Daphne. + +"Then why did you tell me married men were different?" + +"Because most of them are." Daphne smiled slowly. "I think I might +like you better if you were married to some really nice girl." + +I laughed bitterly. "To you, for instance?" + +"Yes, to me," said Daphne very sweetly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN VIEW OF THE EXAGGERATED AND MISLEADING REPORTS OF +WHAT OCCURS AT THE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN MR. ASQUITH AND MR. BONAR LAW +ON THE ULSTER QUESTION WE VENTURE TO THINK THAT A LITTLE MAKE-UP AND +CAREFUL CHOICE OF RENDEZVOUS WOULD ENABLE THE LEADERS TO HAVE MANY A +LONG CHAT ON THE SUBJECT WITHOUT ANYONE BEING AWARE OF THEIR HAVING +MET.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPREAD OF THE SERVANT-GIRL GRADUATE IDEA. + +(_Interior of a super-kitchen._) + +_Mistress_. "WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING YOUR SOPHOCLES FOR A MOMENT, MARY, +AND RUNNING TO THE POST?"] + + * * * * * + +TO OBEY OR NOT TO OBEY. + +_8th December, 1913._ + +Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook request the pleasure of Mr. Hugh Melbrook's +company at the marriage of their daughter Muriel Irene with Mr. +Adolphus Smith, at St. Peter's, Hashton, on Wednesday, December 31st, +1913, at 1.30 o'clock, and afterwards at _Westlands, Hashton_. + +R.S.V.P. + + +_9th December, 1913._ + +Mr. Hugh Melbrook thanks Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook for the opportunity of +being present at the wedding of their daughter Muriel Irene, but much +regrets that, owing to great pressure of work, he cannot be there. +He desires that Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook should not feel constrained to +alter their present arrangements on that account. + + +_26th December, 1913._ + +MESSRS. HALL, MARK & Co., Silversmiths. + +SIRS,--Kindly despatch at once to the address given below a seasonable +wedding gift, costing no more than the amount of the enclosed postal +order. I send my card for inclusion. Whatever change there may be +please return it to me, and oblige + +Yours faithfully, + +H. MELBROOK. + + +_27th December, 1913._ + +H. MELBROOK, ESQ. + +DEAR SIR,--We are in receipt of your esteemed favour of yesterday's +date and beg to advise you that we have this day forwarded to +the address you gave a handsome cut-glass anchovy dish with a +finely-chased silver lid and tray. We enclose the receipted bill for +the dish, which stands in our list at exactly the amount remitted by +you. + +We are, dear Sir, + +Yours faithfully, + +HALL, MARK & Co. + + +_29th December, 1913._ + +MY DEAR HUGH.--Thank you _very, very_ much for the sweet little +butterdish. It's ripping. Do try to get down, Hugh, there's a good +boy! If you can find time to choose me such a nice present--I know +what you are, it must have taken you hours--surely you could take the +day off for once. Say yes. + +In tremendous haste, and thanking you again and again, + +Your affectionate cousin, + +MURIEL. + +P.S.--I've just heard that Mr. Parsley, who is to marry us, is very +strict about _obedient_ weddings, and I promised Geraldine I wouldn't +"obey" if she didn't. Now it's my turn. Tell me something to do. + + +_30th December, 1913._ + +MY GOOD MURIEL,--That's a caviare dish! Caviare dishes, I understood, +were all the rage just now, and here am I slaving away to be in the +fashion, and you calmly write back and say, "Thank you very much for +the butt--" My good Muriel! + +I really wanted to send you something quite different, something +equally novel but more seasonable; no less, in fact, than a +nose-muff or nose-warmer. It is a little idea of my own, the Melbrook +"Rhinotherm." Briefly, the mechanism consists of pieces of heated +charcoal, potato or what-not, encased in some non-conducting material, +the whole being then unostentatiously affixed to the frigid end of the +nose. Stupidly, I forgot to take a plaster cast of your nose. You'll +forgive me, won't you? + +And now about coming down on the happy day. I feel very hurt about it. +You know perfectly well that I wanted you to be married on a Saturday, +but you wouldn't. It isn't as though you get married every day, and +I do think you might have considered me a little more. But, even if +I did come, even if by working all night Monday and Tuesday I could +scrape together a few hours of freedom, I know what it would be. I +should never be allowed in the vestry afterwards, while all the fun +was going on. And yet you have the effrontery to sit there and ask my +help in evading your, responsibilities as a married woman. Still, if +you promise to breathe not a word of this to any woman I may marry +hereafter, here's a dead snip for you. Listen! When you come to the +words "to love, cherish and to obey," you simply drop the second "to" +(nobody will miss it) and run the "d" of the "and" into the "obey," +and lo! we have a French word, to wit, _dauber_, meaning to cuff, +drub or belabour. What say you to that, my bonny bride? I think that +deserves an extra large slice of cake, to put under my pillow. And I +say, Muriel, I do hope there won't be any of those rotten cassowary +seeds in it. If there are, for pity's sake rake them out and give them +to someone who likes them. And I'll have his share of the marzipan. + +Your affectionate cousin, + +HUGH. + + +NEWSPAPER EXCERPT. + +... During the service an amusing incident occurred. It was noticed +that the, bride, who is rumoured to have feminist leanings, betrayed +some difficulty in pronouncing the vow of obedience. The Rev. Thos. +Parsley considerately paused and helped her to repeat the words +after him in a clear and audible manner. In an interview with +our representative, Mr. Parsley smilingly explained that he was +determined, in his parish at any rate, to discourage any possible +evasion of the matrimonial vows. He considered that a great deal of +post-nuptial unhappiness was attributable to the lamentable laxity +of the clergy in joining young people in matrimony without requiring +their future relations to be clearly defined at the outset. The young +bride refused to make any comment, but seemed highly amused at the +incident.... + +"_Hashton Weekly Hash._" + + * * * * * + + "A gem ring lost last summer by Franz Schroder while + travelling in a steamer on the Danube, near Prague, was found + inside a carp caught at Mayence by his nephew."--_Manchester + Evening News_. + +The fact that Mayence is not on the Danube need not bother you. Only +last week our uncle lost a white elephant while travelling in a barge +on the Regent's Park Canal, near Maida Vale, and it was found inside +the hat-box of the Editor of _The Manchester Evening News_ by FRANZ +SCHRODER. Bless you, these things are always happening. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irate Cottager._ "Hi! YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY 'EDGE!" + +_Mild Sportsman._ "OH, NO; YOUR HEDGE IS BREAKING MY FALL, AND IF YOU +WILL KINDLY PUSH ME BACK AGAIN I SHALL TRY TO REJOIN MY HORSE."] + + * * * * * + +THE COWARD. + +It is impossible to describe to you exactly how Herbert looked. But +shame, defiance and unconcern were the principal ingredients in his +expression as he stood on the kerb and stared across the road. + +He started guiltily as I approached. + +"Hallo, Herbert!" I began with my customary _bonhomie_. + +"Hallo!" he said dismally. + +"What are you doing here?" I asked sternly. + +"Nothing," said Herbert. "Have you ever noticed what a fine building +that post-office is?" + +"No," I said; "neither have you. Herbert, you are concealing something +from me. What have I done to deserve it? Have I not enjoyed your +confidence these many years, and have you ever known me betray it? Is +it marriage that has changed you thus? Is it--" + +"Shut up," said Herbert. "I'll tell you, if you stop talking." + +I stopped talking. + +"It's this way. My wife and I have had a little discussion. And I +stated my belief that there was nothing in an ordinary way that a +woman could do that a man couldn't. Whereupon she defied me to go out +and--er--buy a bloater. As you see, I have gone out, and--er--" + +"Yes," I said, "you have gone out. Splendid of you! And all that +remains to be done is to buy a bloater. Why not? Yonder, if I mistake +not, is the shop of a bloaterer." + +"But a bloater!" said Herbert. "It isn't fair. If she'd said some +salmon, or a lobster, or even a pound of sausages; or if she'd allowed +me to 'phone for it. It's not as if I'd ever had any practice. It's +not decent to start a beginner on a hand-bought bloater." + +"Tush!" I said. "This is not manly. Remember, our sex is at stake. +Come!" + +I took him by the arm. He advanced under protest. + +Four paces from the shop he stopped abruptly and laughed--a horrible +laugh. + +"Do you know," he said, "I do believe I've come out without a cent on +me." + +"_I_ don't believe it for a moment," I said, "but as it happens I can +lend you pounds and pounds--almost enough for two bloaters." + +Herbert reluctantly found some money in one of the seven pockets he +had not felt in. Then we advanced once more. + +This time there was no going back. Right into the body of the +fishmonger's we strode and stood firmly opposite the salesman. + +"_Now_," I whispered tensely. + +But Herbert hesitated, and even as he wobbled the salesman began his +suggestions. + +"Yes, Sir? Lobsters or prawns, Sir? Some very good salmon this +morning--very fine fish indeed, Sir." + +"Er, as a matter of fact," said Herbert, "we just wanted to know if +you would be so kind as to direct us to the nearest post-office?--the +one just across the road, you know," he added nervously. + +"Herbert," I said in his private ear, "be a man." + +Herbert pulled himself together. "Would you," he said to the salesman, +"would you please let me look at some b-b-blobsters?" + + * * * * * + +A BAD DREAM. + +_Sunday_.--Great news! The plan suggested by the Anglo-German Alliance +Committee is at last to be carried out. There is to be an exchange of +garrisons, that is to say, certain English towns are to be garrisoned +by German regiments, while certain German towns are to have +English garrisons. Our own town, though a small one, is to have +the distinguished honour of being the first to give this mark of +friendship to the world. All the arrangements have been made, and +to-morrow the 901st Prussian regiment of infantry is to march in. +It will be a great day for Dartlebury, and we shall all do our best, +though the public notice has been short, to give our gallant visitors +a warm and truly British reception. + +_Monday_.--Our German friends have arrived. At 11 o'clock this morning +it was announced that they were approaching, headed by their band. The +Mayor, Alderman Farthingale, and the whole Corporation, including the +three Labour members recently elected, immediately proceeded to the +old city wall to meet them. They were accompanied by the municipal +band in full uniform, playing "_Die Wacht am Rhein_," which they had +been assiduously practising. Unfortunately this led to what might have +been a somewhat painful contretemps. On meeting the municipal band the +Prussian commander, Colonel von Brausebrum, halted his soldiers and in +a loud voice declared that our men were playing out of tune. Perhaps +this was true, but the offence was involuntary and in any case it +was hardly serious enough to call for the arrest of the whole band. +Arrested, however, they were, and it was a melancholy sight to see +them marched off by a corporal's guard. Mr. Zundnadel, the chief of +the band, is himself of German origin, and his feelings can be better +imagined than described. The Mayor saved the situation by making an +extremely cordial speech, in which he spoke of the English and the +Germans as ancient brothers-in-arms. The Colonel in his reply said his +mission was a glorious one, and everything would depend on the way +we conducted ourselves. What can he have meant? The march was then +resumed, but another halt was made in the High Street to remove the +French flag which Mucklow, the linen-draper, had very tactlessly stuck +up over his shop. He too was arrested, with wife and family, and was +lodged in jail. Luckily no further incident disturbed the harmony of +the proceedings. + +_Tuesday_.--This morning Lieutenant von Schornstein, while walking in +Brewer's Alley, trod on a piece of banana-skin and fell heavily on +the pavement. As he rose he observed that two small boys were, so he +alleged, laughing at him. He immediately ran after the two urchins, +and was proceeding to put them to the sword when the Brewery men +interfered and disarmed him. He pleaded that his uniform had been +insulted and that it was necessary for him to punish them. "_Ich +muss sie durch den Leib rennen_" were his words. The men, however, +were not inclined to admit the force of this plea, especially as +they understood no German, and they sent him back to barracks in a +taxi-cab. The Mayor at once wired his apologies to the Colonel, and it +is hoped that nothing further will be heard of the incident. I ought +to add that the boys deny that they laughed, but the lieutenant is +certain that they wore a smiling expression. + +The "Friendship Banquet" was held this evening in the Town Hall, +with the Mayor in the chair. No very great enthusiasm was shown, and +when the Mayor, in proposing the health of our visitors, alluded to +the friendly rivalry of the two nations in commerce and the arts of +peace, the Colonel pulled him back into his seat and begged him not +to proceed. "_Maul halten_," he said. The three Labour members of the +Council were afterwards arrested for not having joined with sufficient +heartiness in the singing of "_Deutschland über Alles_." + +_Wednesday_.--A state of siege has been declared in Dartlebury, and +we are all living under martial law. Lord Gruffen was arrested for +having knocked up against a soldier. The magistrates, on leaving the +police-court, were handcuffed and removed to barracks. A crisis is +evidently approaching. + +_Thursday_.--An insurrection started this morning. A huge crowd +attacked the barracks and overpowered all resistance. Blood flowed +like water, but in an hour all was over. There is a strong feeling +that the experiment of the Alliance Committee was a rash one, though +no doubt it was well meant. We live and learn. + + * * * * * + +LOOP! LOOP!! + +(_A STORY OF AERIAL PROWESS IN THE PROVINCES._) + + They said, "He goes a-tumbling through the hollow + And trackless empyrean like a clown, + Head pointed to the earth where weaklings wallow, + Feet up toward the stars; not such renown + Even our lord himself, the bright Apollo, + Gets in his gilded car. For one bob down + You shall behold the thing." "Right-o," I said, + Clapping the old brown bay leaves on my head. + + So to the hangars. Time, about eleven, + The air full chill, the ground a mess of muck, + And long time gazed I on the wintry heaven + And thought of many a deed of Saxon pluck; + How DRAKE, for instance, good old DRAKE of Devon, + Played bowls at Plymouth Hoe. Twelve-thirty struck. + No one had vaulted through the air's abyss; + DRAKE would have plunged tail up an hour ere this. + + Brief interval for lunch, and then a drizzle + Fell on the dreary field. Like some dead moth + The thing remained. Chagrin commenced to sizzle, + And certain people cried, "A thillingth loth." + Others, "Hey, Mister Airman, it's a swizzle!" + Then a stern man came out, and with a cloth + Lightly, as one well used to such a feat, + Swaddled the brute's propeller and its seat. + + The skies grew darkling, and there went a rumour, + "The thing is off; he will not fly to-day;" + And forth we wandered, some in rare ill-humour, + But not, oh, not the bard. Yet this I say-- + There are two kinds of courage: one's a boomer + Avid of gold and glory; this is A, + Crowned with a palm, and in her hands I see + Sheaves of press cuttings. There is also B. + + Not venturesome, this last, to brave the billows, + To beard the panther in his hidden lair, + To probe the epiderms of armadillos, + Nor execute wild cart-wheels in the air; + But who shall say how much Britannia still owes + To B, the kind of courage that can bear + Dauntless to wait, whate'er the skies portend, + (Having paid entrance) to the bitter end? + + The heavenly hero in his suit of leather + Soars through Olympus with the world beneath + Sometimes, and sometimes, owing to the weather, + Scratches his fixtures in the tempest's teeth. + Shall the high gods, who gaze on both together, + Count him the nobler, or confer their wreath + On the brave bull-dog bard, who risks his thews + Standing about all day in thin-soled shoes? + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERE'S ONE I'M SURE YOU'LL LIKE, TREVOR." + +"WHAT IS IT?" + +"_ROBINSON CRUSOE_." + +"IN WHAT LANGUAGE?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Just as one may say of certain novelists that they write at the top +of their voices, so, I think, one might describe Miss VIOLA MEYNELL +as writing in a whisper. This certainly is the effect that _Modern +Lovers_ (SECKER) produced upon me. The gentle method of it invested +the story--which of itself is a very slight thing--with an odd +significance almost impossible to communicate in criticism; but the +reading of a few pages will show you what I mean. The title is apt +enough, for the tale is about nothing but love, as it affects a group +of five young people, three men and two girls. Of the girls, who are +sisters, _Effie Rutherglen_ is the more important and detailed figure. +_Effie_, in the time before the story opens, had an affair with +_Oliver Bligh_; then, summoned North to live with her futile and +uncomprehending parents, she fell (as did her sister _Milly_ and most +of the local spinsters) under the fascination of one _Clive Maxwell_, +who was an author and had appealing eyes and obviously a way with him. +Then _Oliver_ turned up again, and poor _Effie_ didn't know which of +them she wanted. I speak lightly, but, if you think all this made +for comedy, your conception of Miss MEYNELL's methods is very much +at fault. Love to her is very much what it was to _Patience_ in the +opera--by no means a wholly enviable boon. I can hardly praise too +much the exquisite refinement and restraint of her treatment of +commonplace things. But one small point baffled me: _Oliver_ appears +to have been a professional diver and bath-keeper--we are told, +indeed, that he had occupied that position at Rugby (a statement +that I have private and personal reasons for discrediting)--yet we +find him staying as a welcome and honoured guest in the house of the +_Rutherglens_, whom I take to be more or less "county." Surely this, +though of no real importance, is at least remarkable? + + * * * * * + +"What," I asked myself, "is just the matter with this apparently quite +nice book?" (It was _Joan's Green Year_, and written by E.L. DOON and +published by MACMILLAN.) It is the kind of book that grows out of a +romantic disposition and an assiduously stuffed commonplace book. It +consists of letters from _Joan_, a paying guest in the Manor House +Farm at Pelton, to her brother _Keith_, a soldier in India, telling +him all about her year of holiday and "soul discipline" in the +country, the village gossip, her proposals and her one acceptance, and +giving a sort of farmer's calendar of the seasons as interpreted by +the guileless amateur. _Joan_ has what is known as a nice mind. But +to tell truth she has chosen a difficult and dangerous if alluring art +form. Of course letters enable you to evade some of the difficulties +of the novelist's task, to be discursive, allusive and incomplete. But +you can't be let off anything of the precision and subtlety of your +characterisation. On the contrary. And _Joan_ makes everyone in Pelton +(except the rustics, whose authenticity I gravely suspect) talk +as _Joan_ writes. They have nearly all seen her commonplace book, +I judge. Then, again, you must not have (like _Joan_) a large list +of acquaintances, or you breed confusion and dissipate interest +accordingly. _Joan_ is very young in many ways. She is extravagant in +the matter of the equipment of her heroes. _Bob Ingleby_, the farmer +(a gentleman, because he had been at Winchester), is a "great comely +giant," yet wins events one and three of the Hunt Steeplechase, though +thrown badly in number two. I have a suspicion that this work is +really _Joan's_ tee shot, and that after a notable recovery, which on +the best of her present form I can safely prophesy, she will reach her +green year next time. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. T.P. O'CONNOR has written a fascinating book. _My Beloved South_ +she calls it, and PUTNAMS publish it. There is not a lifeless page +in the 427 that make up a bountiful feast. Every one contains vivid +reproductions of incidents in social life in the South "befo' de +wa'" and after. At the outset we make the acquaintance of a typical +Southron, Mrs. O'CONNOR's grandfather, Governor of Florida when it +was still a Territory, with native Indians fighting fiercely for their +land and homes. Mrs. O'CONNOR was, of course, not to the fore in those +early days. But so steeped is she in lore of the South, much of it +gained from the lips of nurses and out-door servants, so keen is her +sympathy, so quick and true her instinct that she is able to revivify +the old scenes and reproduce the atmosphere of the time. The darkey +nurse of earliest childhood lives again, sometimes bringing with +her plantation songs like "Voodoo-Bogey-Boo," quaintly musical. Many +passages of the grandfather's conversations are preserved, in which we +may detect the voice of the gifted granddaughter. But the influence of +heredity is strong, more especially "down South." Also there are many +charming stories redolent of the South. I was about to mention the +page on which will be found the thrilling history of a mule aptly +named "Satan." On reflection I won't spoil the reader's pleasure in +unexpectedly coming upon it somewhere about the middle of the book. +Nobody--man or woman, girl or boy--who begins to read _My Beloved +South_ will skip a page. So the story cannot be overlooked. + + * * * * * + +In _Lost Diaries_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. MAURICE BARING travels by an easy +road to humour, and he does not pound it with too laborious feet. This +is perhaps a fortunate thing, for a farcical reconstruction of history +in the light of modern sentiment and circumstances might easily tire; +a Comic History of England, for instance, is stiffer reading to-day +than GARDNER or GREEN. Sometimes, however, Mr. BARING seems to carry +to extreme lengths his conscientious avoidance of efforts to be funny; +and in the imaginary records of one or two of his subjects there is +little more to laugh at than the unaided fancy of the student has long +ago perceived. _Tristram_ loved two _Iseults_, and JOHN MILTON was +an exasperating husband; but these things I knew, and the author of +_Lost Diaries_ has made no more capital out of the situations than +the eternal merriment which the bare statement of the facts inspires. +But where Mr. BARING, pleasantly disdainful alike of consistency +and taste, examines the pocket-book of the "Man in the Iron Mask," +and finds him complaining of the noise and disturbance in dungeon +after dungeon until he is removed at last to the lotus island of the +Bastille; or records the blameless botanical pursuits of TIBERIUS in +seclusion; or the first consumption of the Colla di Gallo by COLUMBUS +in the newly discovered West, he is, for all the simplicity of his +methods, amusing enough. Yet even so I am inclined to think that the +first of his essays, which reads like an actual transcript from the +jottings of a nineteenth-century private-school boy, is the diary +which I most heartily congratulate Mr. BARING on having rediscovered, +and which I should be least willing for him to lose again. + + * * * * * + +With the Land Question staring us in the face, _Folk of the Furrow_ +(SMITH ELDER) should attract the attention of those who wish +thoroughly to understand what the agricultural labourer wants and +why he wants it. Mr. CHRISTOPHER HOLDENBY is no amateur, for as Mr. +STEPHEN REYNOLDS has lived with fishermen and shared their daily lives +so he has lodged in labourers' cottages and hoed and dug with the +best (and worst) of them. The result is a book that is stamped with +the hall-mark of a great sincerity; and three facts at least can be +gathered from it by the very dullest of gleaners. First, and I think +foremost, that the decencies of life cannot be observed if children +of very various ages are to be crowded into cottages too small to hold +them; secondly, that it is useless to expect morality from youths who +have few or no amusements provided for them; thirdly, that the passing +of the old families and the advent of the week-end "merchant princes" +do not make a change for the better. All which may be stale news, but +after reading this book I think that you will admit that Mr. HOLDENBY +has contrived to make an old tale very impressive. In some instances +it is true that I could bring evidence directly in opposition to his, +but on the whole he deserves well for the way in which he has won the +confidence of a class naturally suspicious and silent, and for his +manner of stating his case. Had I for my sins to cram our M.P.'s for +the debates that lie before them, I should feed them liberally upon +_Folk of the Furrow_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUS REFEREE ORDERING HIMSELF OFF THE GROUND +FOR BEING HASTY TO AN IMPERTINENT PLAYER.] + + * * * * * + +TO MR. CHAMBERLAIN + +ON HIS RETIREMENT FROM PUBLIC LIFE. + + Not yet the end; only the end of strife. + But now--while still the brave unwearied heart, + Fixed upon England, fain to keep its part + In her Imperial life, + + Beats with the old unconquerable pride-- + Now leave to younger limbs the dust and palm, + And let the weary body seek the calm + That comes with eventide. + + There take your rest within the sunset glow, + All feuds forgotten of your fighting days, + Circled with love and laurelled with the praise + Of friend and ancient foe. + + O.S. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 14, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 12536-8.txt or 12536-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/3/12536/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., January 14, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 6, 2004 [EBook #12536] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 146.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 14, 1914.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" + id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>We hear that the CHANCELLOR has, while in North Africa, been + making a close study of camels, with a view to ascertaining the + nature of the last straw which breaks their backs.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is denied that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in order to give a + practical demonstration of his belief in the disarmament idea, + has given instructions that all precautions against attacks on + him by Suffragettes are to be discontinued.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Balkan situation is considered to have undergone a + change for the worse owing to the purchase by Turkey of the + Dreadnought <i>Rio de Janeiro</i>. For ourselves we cannot + subscribe to this view. Is it likely that the Turks, after + paying over £2,000,000 for her, will risk losing this + valuable vessel in war?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>On the day of the marriage of the Teuton Coal-King's + daughter to Lord REDESDALE's son last week there was snow on + the ground. The Coal-King must have shown up very well against + it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Sir REGINALD BRADE is to be the new permanent secretary at + the War Office. Let's hope he has no connection with the firm + of Gold Brade and Red Tape.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It has been discovered that members of a certain Eskimo + tribe have an extra joint in their waists. The news has caused + the greatest excitement among cannibal tribes all over the + world, and it is expected that there will be a huge demand for + these people. Where there are big families to feed the extra + joint will be invaluable.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"OUR RESOLUTION IS TO GO FORWARD IN THE NEW YEAR." + advertises the London General Omnibus Co. A capital idea, this. + Vehicles which simply go backwards are never so + satisfactory.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>After one-hundred-and-fifty-years' careful consideration the + War Office has given permission to the Black Watch and the + King's Royal Rifle Corps to bear on their regimental colours + the honorary distinction "North America, 1763-64," in + recognition of services rendered during the war against the Red + Indians.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Not sixty people visited "La Gioconda" on one of the days + after her return to Paris, when a charge of four shillings was + made for admission, and, towards the end of the day, the smile + is said to have worn a rather forced look.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Who are the best selling modern authors?" asks a + contemporary. We do not like to mention names, but, as readers, + we have been sold by several popular writers lately.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are not surprised that many persons are becoming rather + disgusted with our little amateurish attempts at Winter. + Thousands now go to Switzerland, and Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON is + going even further afield. Meanwhile the Government does + nothing to stem this emigration.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The boxing craze among the French continues. M. VEDRINES, + the intrepid aviator, has taken it up and been practising on M. + Roux's ears.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The German CROWN PRINCE has become a member of the Danzig + Cabinet Makers' Union. Later on he hopes to become a + Chancellor-maker.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Another impending apology? Headlines from <i>The Daily + Chronicle</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"PNEUMONIA ON THE RAND.</p> + + <p>DISCOVERY OF ITS CAUSE.</p> + + <p>SIR ALMROTH WRIGHT'S</p> + + <p>VACCINE TREATMENT."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Could frugality go further? At the golden wedding + celebrations of a Southend couple, a packet of wedding cake was + eaten which had been put away on their marriage day in + 1863.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A soap combine, with a nominal capital of £35,000,000, + is said to have been formed to exploit China; and the Mongols + may yet cease to be a yellow race.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The latest tall story from America is to the effect that + some burglars who broke into the Presbyterian church at + Syracuse, New York, stole a parcel of sermons.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/21-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/21-1.png" + alt="Pantomime fauna." /></a> + + <h3>PANTOMIME FAUNA.</h3><i>Extract from the note-book of + the dramatic critic of "the Wampton Clarion</i>":— + <a href="images/21-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/21-2.png" + alt="Extract." /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>YOUNG MOTHER'S SWAN-SONG.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>["It was better for a young mother to start her new + chapter unhampered: the less she knew the better it was for + her."—<i>Mrs. Annie Swan</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How do you take a baby up?</p> + + <p class="i2">What does it like to eat?</p> + + <p>Do you put rusks in a feeding cup?</p> + + <p class="i2">Have you to mince its meat?</p> + + <p>Haven't I heard them speak of pap?</p> + + <p class="i2">Isn't there caudle too?</p> + + <p>How do you keep the thing on your lap?</p> + + <p class="i2">Why are its eyes askew?</p> + + <p>Is it a touch of original sin</p> + + <p class="i2">Causes an infant to squall,</p> + + <p>Or trust misplaced in a safety-pin</p> + + <p class="i2">Lost in the depths of a shawl?</p> + + <p>When do you "shorten" a growing child</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Is</i> it so much too long)?</p> + + <p>Should legs be lopped or the scalp be filed?</p> + + <p class="i2">Both in a sense seem wrong.</p> + + <p>"Kitchy," I think I have heard them say;</p> + + <p class="i2">What shall I make it kitch?</p> + + <p>"Bo" I believe in a mystic way</p> + + <p class="i2">Frightens or soothes, but which?</p> + + <p>Didn't I see one once reversed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Patted about the spine?</p> + + <p>Is it the way they should all be nursed?</p> + + <p class="i2">Will it agree with mine?</p> + + <p>Surely its gums are strangely bare?</p> + + <p class="i2">Why does it dribble so?</p> + + <p>Will reason dawn in that glassy stare</p> + + <p class="i2">If I dandle it briskly? OH!!!</p> + + <p>Grandmothers! Mothers! or Instinct, you!</p> + + <p class="i2">Haste with your secret lore!</p> + + <p>What, oh what shall I, what shall I do?</p> + + <p class="i2">Baby has crashed to the floor!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"They adjourned to the Village Hell, where each child + was presented with a parcel of suitable + clothing."—<i>Tonbridge Free Press</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Asbestos, no doubt.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" + id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span> + + <h2>A PRANCING PRUSSIAN.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>Showing how Colonel VON REUTER, late of Zabern, + appealed to his regiment to defend the honour of the Army. + The following speech is based upon evidence given at the + Strassburg trial.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My Prussian braves, on whom devolves the mission</p> + + <p class="i2">To vindicate our gallant Army's + worth,</p> + + <p>Upholding in its present proud position</p> + + <p class="i2">The noblest fighting instrument on + earth—</p> + + <p>If, in your progress, any vile civilian</p> + + <p class="i2">Declines the homage of the lifted + hat,</p> + + <p>Your business is to paint his chest + vermilion—</p> + + <p class="i4">Kindly attend to that.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Never leave barracks, when you go a-shopping,</p> + + <p class="i2">Without an escort loaded up with + lead;</p> + + <p>Always maintain a desultory popping</p> + + <p class="i2">At anyone who wags a wanton head;</p> + + <p>If, as he passes, some low boy should whistle</p> + + <p class="i2">With nose in air and shameless chin + out-thrust,</p> + + <p>Making your scandalised moustaches + bristle—</p> + + <p class="i4">Reduce the dog to dust.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I hear a sinister and shocking rumour</p> + + <p class="i2">Touching the native tendency to + chaff.</p> + + <p>If you should meet with specimens of humour</p> + + <p class="i2">See that our soldiers get the final + laugh;</p> + + <p>Fling the facetious corpses in the fountains</p> + + <p class="i2">So as the red blood overflows the + brink;</p> + + <p>Keep on until the blue Alsatian mountains</p> + + <p class="i4">Turn a reflective pink.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Should any female whom your shadow touches</p> + + <p class="i2">Grudge you the glad, but deferential, + eye;</p> + + <p>Should any cripple fail to hold his crutches</p> + + <p class="i2">At the salute as you go marching by;</p> + + <p>Draw, in the KAISER's name—'tis rank high + treason;</p> + + <p class="i2">Stun them with sabre-strokes upon the + poll;</p> + + <p>Then dump them (giving no pedantic reason)</p> + + <p class="i4">Down cellars with the coal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Be on your guard against all people strolling</p> + + <p class="i2">In ones or twos about the public + square</p> + + <p>Hard by your quarters; set your men patrolling;</p> + + <p class="i2">Ask every knave what he is doing + there;</p> + + <p>And, if in your good wisdom you determine</p> + + <p class="i2">To view their conduct in a dangerous + light,</p> + + <p>Bring the machine-guns out and blow the vermin</p> + + <p class="i4">Into the <i>Ewigkeit</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Enough! I leave our honour in your keeping.</p> + + <p class="i2">What are your bright swords for except to + slay?</p> + + <p>Preserve their lustre; let me see them leaping</p> + + <p class="i2">Out of their scabbards twenty times a + day;</p> + + <p>Unless we smash these craven churls like + crockery</p> + + <p class="i2">To prove our right of place within the + sun,</p> + + <p>Our martial prestige has become a mockery</p> + + <p class="i4">And Deutschland's day is done!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The dancing, in the conventional bullet style, of Miss + Sybil Roe, was quite good."—<i>Wiltshire + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We confess that the bullet style is too fast for us.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In all the best dress ateliers classic evening gowns + are now being exhibited, and in many of these the lines of + the corsage closely resemble the draperies to be seen on + the Venus de Milo."—<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We must go and look at the Venus de Milo's corsage + again.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE NEW JOURNAL-INSURANCE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Several newspapers have been roused to a sense of their + duties to their readers by the insurance competition + between <i>The Chronicle</i> and <i>The Mail</i>. We make a + few preliminary announcements of other insurance schemes + which are not yet contemplated.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>VOTES FOR WOMEN</i>.—A copy of the current issue + nailed to your front door insures you absolutely against + arson.</p> + + <p><i>THE STAR</i>.—All regular subscribers to <i>The + Star</i> are insured with the proprietors of <i>The Daily + News</i> for £1,000 in the event of being welshed on any + race-course.</p> + + <p><i>THE NATIONAL REVIEW</i>.—Annual subscribers to + <i>The National Review</i> are guaranteed £10,000 in the + event of being (<i>a</i>) robbed on the highway by a member of + the present Ministry; (<i>b</i>) defrauded by a member of the + present Ministry; (<i>c</i>) having house burgled by member of + the present Ministry; (<i>d</i>) having pocket picked by member + of present Ministry; always excluding any act or acts done by + the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER in a strictly official + capacity.</p> + + <p><i>THE CHURCH TIMES</i>.—All regular subscribers are + insured for £500 against excommunication. £1,000 + will be paid to the heirs or assigns of any reader who loses + his head in a conflict with a Bishop (Deans, Rural Deans, + Canons and Archdeacons being excepted from the benefit of this + clause in the policy).</p> + + <p><i>THE ENGLISH REVIEW</i>.—Poetic contributors are + insured for £500 in the event of a prosecution under the + Blasphemy Laws.</p> + + <p><i>THE DAILY EXPRESS</i>.—You can sleep soundly in + your bed, you can sleep soundly in your train, if the current + issue of <i>The Daily Express</i> be on your person. All + purchasers are insured for £10,000 against any + conflagrations or explosions caused by bombs or combustibles + dropped from German airships.</p> + + <p><i>THE BRITISH WEEKLY</i>.—All readers of <i>The + British Weekly</i> are insured for £1,000 in the event of + heart-failure caused by shock while reading the thrilling + stories provided by SILAS, JOSEPH, TIMOTHY and JEREMIAH + HOCKING.</p> + + <p><i>THE RECORD</i>.—£500 will be paid to any + annual subscriber forcibly detained in a convent, provided that + at the time of such detention a copy of the current issue of + <i>The Record</i> be in his possession. £1,000 will be + paid to the legal representatives of any reader burnt at the + stake.</p> + + <p><i>THE CRICCIETH CHRONICLE</i>.—£3 a week for + life, together with a poultry farm on a Sutherland deer-forest, + to the owner of any shorn lamb which is found dead in a + snow-drift with a copy of the current issue wrapt round it, to + keep it warm.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The great world rolls on, but of the master-brains which + direct its movement the man in the street knows nothing. He has + never heard of the Clerk of the Portland Urban District + Council; he is entirely ignorant of Army Order 701.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Dear Sir" (writes the Clerk)—"A meeting of the + Underhill Members of the Council will be held to-morrow + (Saturday), at 3 o'clock p.m., in Spring Gardens + (Fortuneswell) for the purpose of selecting a site for the + Telegraph Post."</p> + + <p>"With effect from 1st January, 1914" (says the Army + Order) "rewigging of gun sponges will be done by the + Ordnance Department instead of locally as at present."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Inman was seen to greater advantage at yesterday + afternoon's session in this match of 18,000 up, in + Edinburgh, than on any previous day of the match, scoring + 1,083 while Aiken was aggregating the mentally + afflicted."—<i>Nottingham Guardian</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>One must amuse oneself somehow while the other man is at the + table.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" + id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/23.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23.png" + alt="Winston Churchill and Tory chorus." /></a> + + <h3>A SEA-CHANGE.</h3>TORY CHORUS (<i>to WINSTON</i>). + "YOU'VE MADE ME LOVE YOU; I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" + id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:95%;"> + <a href="images/25.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25.png" + alt="Uncle-Magician." /></a> + + <p><i>Amiable Uncle</i> (<i>doing some conjuring to amuse + the children</i>). "SEE, HERE I HAVE A BILLIARD + BALL—I AM GOING TO TURN IT INTO SOMETHING ELSE."</p> + + <p><i>First Bored Youngster</i> (<i>to second ditto</i>). + "WHY SHOULD HE? IT'S A VERY NICE BALL."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WHAT TO TELL AN EDITOR.</h2> + + <p>In view of <i>The Daily Mail's</i> praiseworthy efforts to + instruct applicants for situations in the correct phrasing of + letters to prospective employers, we propose to supply a + similar long-felt want, and give a little advice as to the kind + of letter it is desirable to enclose with contributions to + periodicals.</p> + + <p>Begin your letter in a friendly vein, hoping the Editor and + his people are pretty well. Remember also that Editors like to + know something of the characters and histories of their + contributors. So let your communication include a + <i>résumé</i> of your personal and literary + career. Don't fall into the error of making your letter too + concise.</p> + + <p>The following suggestions may serve to indicate some of the + lines of thought that you might follow:—</p> + + <p>(1) State where you sent your first manuscript.</p> + + <p>(2) What you thought of it, and of the Editor who returned + it.</p> + + <p>(3) Your height and chest measurement (an Editor likes to be + on the safe side).</p> + + <p>(4) State who persuaded you to take up literature, and give + height and chest measurement of same.</p> + + <p>(5) Give a short but optimistic description of your + contribution, not to exceed in length the contribution + itself.</p> + + <p>(6) State whether literary genius is rife in your family or + has been rife at any time since 1066.</p> + + <p>(7) Give a list of journals to which you have already sent + the enclosed contribution, and state your reasons for supposing + that the Editors were misguided. Hint that perhaps, after all, + their lack of enterprise was fortunate for the present + recipient.</p> + + <p>(8) Mention your hobbies and the different appointments you + have held since the age of twelve, with names and addresses of + employers. Also give your reasons for remaining as long as you + did in each situation.</p> + + <p>(9) State how long you have been a subscriber to the journal + you are electing to honour, and whether you think it's worth + the money. Point out any little improvements you consider + desirable in its compilation, and mention other periodicals as + perfect examples. Preface these remarks with some such phrase + as this: "Pray don't think I want to teach you your business, + but—"</p> + + <p>(10) Give full list (names and addresses) of friends who + have promised to buy the paper if your contribution + appears.</p> + + <p>(11) Give a brief outline, in faultless English, of your + religious, political and police court convictions, your views + on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, and any ideas you may have about the Law + of Copyright.</p> + + <p>Finally, enclose a stamped and addressed envelope for the + return of your article.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It has always been supposed that Charles I. when Prince + of Wales and travelling incognito with the Duke of + Buckingham saw and fell in love with Marie Antoinette."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Not by us. We always supposed he fell in love with SARAH + BERNHARDT.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" + id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + + <h2>THE SAME OLD STORY.</h2> + + <p>We stood in a circle round the parrot's cage and gazed with + interest at its occupant. She (Evangeline) was balancing easily + on one leg, while with the other leg and her beak she tried to + peel a monkey-nut. There are some of us who hate to be watched + at meals, particularly when dealing with the dessert, but + Evangeline is not of our number.</p> + + <p>"There," said Mrs. Atherley, "isn't she a beauty?"</p> + + <p>I felt that, as the last to be introduced, I ought to say + something.</p> + + <p>"What do you say to a parrot?" I whispered to Miss + Atherley.</p> + + <p>"Have a banana," suggested Archie.</p> + + <p>"I believe you say, 'Scratch-a-poll,'" said Miss Atherley, + "but I don't know why."</p> + + <p>"Isn't that rather dangerous? Suppose it retorted 'Scratch + your own,' I shouldn't know a bit how to go on."</p> + + <p>"It can't talk," said Archie. "It's quite a baby—only + seven months old. But it's no good showing it your watch; you + must think of some other way of amusing it."</p> + + <p>"Break it to me, Archie. Have I been asked down solely to + amuse the parrot, or did any of you others want to see me?"</p> + + <p>"Only the parrot," said Archie.</p> + + <p>Evangeline paid no attention to us. She continued to wrestle + with the monkey-nut. I should say that she was a bird not + easily amused.</p> + + <p>"Can't it really talk at all?" I asked Mrs. Atherley.</p> + + <p>"Not yet. You see, she's only just come over from South + America, and isn't used to the climate yet."</p> + + <p>"Just the person you'd expect to talk a lot about the + weather. I believe you've been had. Write a little note to the + poulterers and ask if you can change it. You've got a bad one + by mistake."</p> + + <p>"We got it as a bird," said Mrs. Atherley with dignity, "not + as a gramophone."</p> + + <p>The next morning Evangeline was as silent as ever. Miss + Atherley and I surveyed it after breakfast. It was still + grappling with a monkey-nut, but no doubt a different one.</p> + + <p>"Isn't it <i>ever</i> going to talk?" I asked. "Really, I + thought parrots were continually chatting."</p> + + <p>"Yes, but they have to be taught—just like you teach a + baby."</p> + + <p>"Are you sure? I quite see that you have to teach them any + special things you want them to say, but I thought they were + all born with a few simple obvious remarks, like 'Poor Polly,' + or—or 'Dash LLOYD GEORGE.'"</p> + + <p>"I don't think so," said Miss Atherley. "Not the green + ones."</p> + + <p>At dinner that evening, Mr. Atherley being now with us, the + question of Evangeline's education was seriously + considered.</p> + + <p>"The only proper method," began Mr. Atherley—"By the + way," he said, turning to me, "you don't know anything about + parrots, do you?"</p> + + <p>"No," I said. "You can go on quite safely."</p> + + <p>"The only proper method of teaching a parrot—I got + this from a man in the City this morning—is to give her a + word at a time, and to go on repeating it over and over again + until she's got hold of it."</p> + + <p>"And after that the parrot goes on repeating it over and + over again until you've got sick of it," said Archie.</p> + + <p>"Then we shall have to be very careful what word we choose," + said Mrs. Atherley.</p> + + <p>"What is your favourite word?"</p> + + <p>"Well, really—"</p> + + <p>"Animal, vegetable or mineral?" asked Archie.</p> + + <p>"This is quite impossible. Every word by itself seems so + silly."</p> + + <p>"Not 'home' and 'mother,'" I said reproachfully.</p> + + <p>"You shall recite your little piece in the drawing-room + afterwards," said Miss Atherley to me. "Think of something + sensible now."</p> + + <p>"Yes," said Mrs. Atherley. "What's the latest word from + London?"</p> + + <p>"Kikuyu."</p> + + <p>"What?"</p> + + <p>"I can't say it again," I protested.</p> + + <p>"If you can't even say it twice, it's no good for + Evangeline."</p> + + <p>A thoughtful silence fell upon us.</p> + + <p>"Have you fixed on a name for her yet?" Miss Atherley asked + her mother.</p> + + <p>"Evangeline, of course."</p> + + <p>"No, I mean a name for her to call <i>you</i>. Because if + she's going to call you 'Auntie' or 'Darling,' or whatever you + decide on, you'd better start by teaching her that."</p> + + <p>And then I had a brilliant idea.</p> + + <p>"I've got the very word," I said. "It's 'hallo.' You see, + it's a pleasant form of greeting to any stranger, and it will + go perfectly with the next word that she's taught, whatever it + may be."</p> + + <p>"Supposing it's 'wardrobe,'" suggested Archie, "or + 'sardine'?"</p> + + <p>"Why not? 'Hallo, Sardine' is the perfect title for a + <i>revue</i>. Witty, subtle, neat—probably the great + brain of the Revue King has already evolved it, and is planning + the opening scene."</p> + + <p>"Yes, 'hallo' isn't at all bad," said Mr. Atherley. "Anyway, + it's better than 'Poor Polly,' which is simply morbid. Let's + fix on 'hallo.'"</p> + + <p>"Good," said Mrs. Atherley.</p> + + <p>Evangeline said nothing, being asleep under her blanket.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I was down first next morning, having forgotten to wind up + my watch overnight. Longing for company I took the blanket off + Evangeline's cage and introduced her to the world again. She + stirred sleepily, opened her eyes and blinked at me.</p> + + <p>"Hallo, Evangeline," I said.</p> + + <p>She made no reply.</p> + + <p>Suddenly a splendid scheme occurred to me. I would teach + Evangeline her word now. How it would surprise the others when + they came down and said "Hallo" to her, to find themselves + promptly answered back!</p> + + <p>"Evangeline," I said, "listen. Hallo, hallo, hallo, hallo." + I stopped a moment and went on more slowly. + "Hallo—hallo—hallo."</p> + + <p>It was dull work.</p> + + <p>"Hallo," I said, "hallo—hallo—hallo," and then + very distinctly, "Hal-<i>lo</i>."</p> + + <p>Evangeline looked at me with an utterly bored face.</p> + + <p>"Hallo," I said, "hallo—hallo."</p> + + <p>She picked up a monkey nut and ate it languidly.</p> + + <p>"Hallo," I went on, "hallo, hallo ... hallo, <i>hallo</i>, + HALLO, <b>HALLO</b> ... hallo, hallo—"</p> + + <p>She dropped her nut and roused herself for a moment.</p> + + <p>"Number engaged," she snapped, and took another nut.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>You needn't believe this. The others didn't when I told + them.</p> + + <p>A.A.M.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From "Notes, Questions and Answers" in <i>T.P.'s + Weekly</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Author wanted, and where the whole poem can be + found:—</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">"Drink to me only with thine eyes,</p> + + <p class="i4">And I'll not ask for wine."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">C.E.H.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Herrick. A collected edition of the poems is published + by J.M. Dent at 1s. net.—ED. N.Q.A.]"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Afterthought by ED. N.Q.A.: "At least I think it's HERRICK + ... or WORDSWORTH ... but wait till the Editor comes back from + Algiers. He's sure to know."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Sir John Thornycroft kicked off in a football charity + match at Bembridge, Isle of Wight, in which the combined + ages of the players was 440 years."—<i>Hull Daily + Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Why not?</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"M. Timiriazeff, president of the Anglo-British Chamber + of Commerce, followed with a speech."—<i>Daily + Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We like his Anglo-British name.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" + id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + + <h2>WINTER SPORTS.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Some additional aspects of the fashionable topic + that seem to have escaped the writers of similar articles + in our contemporaries</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>(I.)—BUYING THE HOTEL.</h4> + + <p>For this game several players are required, who form + themselves into one or more parties according to numbers. A + player, preferably a woman, is selected as leader, and should + possess nerve, coolness, and an authoritative voice. The object + of the game is to secure (1) The best rooms; (2) Tables with a + view; (3) The controlling interest in all projects of + entertainment. It is an important advantage for the leader to + have stayed in the hotel at least once previously. If she is + able to announce on arrival, "Here we are as usual!" and to + greet the proprietor and staff by name, this often gives an + initial blow exceedingly hard to parry. English visitors have + been proving very adept at the sport this season, with + Americans a good second. The German game, on the contrary, is + slower and less subtle.</p> + + <h4>(II.)—SPOTTING THE PARSON.</h4> + + <p>An amusing game that has been very popular at many Swiss + resorts lately, and one that calls for the qualifications of a + quick brain and a keen eye. The universal adoption of sweaters + and woollen caps makes the task of the players one of + considerable difficulty. Envelope-reading should be forbidden + by the rules, and some codes even debar the offering of a + <i>Church Times</i> to a suspected stranger. The + <i>Athenæum</i> and <i>Spectator</i> may, however, be + freely employed as bait. A simpler version of the same sport + called "HOW MANY SCHOOLMASTERS?" is often indulged in between + December 20th and January 15th, after which latter date it + loses its point.</p> + + <p>Other games, seldom chronicled but inquiring at least as + much skill from their votaries as the better known varieties, + are EARLY MORNING SKI-BAGGING—at which the Germans + frequently carry all before them—and PRESSING THE + PRESS-PHOTOGRAPHER, where the object of all the players is to + appear recognizably in a snap-shot for the illustrated + journals. At this the record score of three weekly and five + daily papers has been held for two successive seasons by the + same player, a gentleman whose dexterity is the subject of + universal admiration.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/27.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/27.png" + alt="At the Fancy Dress Ball." /></a> + SCENE—<i>Interior of box at Fancy Dress Ball</i>. + + <p><i>Host of Party</i>. "I SAY, BETTY, I WANT TO INTRODUCE + YOU TO A CITY FRIEND OF MINE, <i>MR. JONES</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>hospitably</i>). "HOW D'YOU DO? OH, + YOU'RE <i>AWFULLY</i> GOOD!"</p> + + <p><i>Host</i> (<i>sotto voce</i>). "TAKE CARE! HE'S NOT + MADE UP AT ALL."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WONDER ZOO.</h2> + + <p>Canada has evolved a novelty described as a "new beef + animal," which is a blend of the domestic cow and the North + American bison. The resulting prodigy has the ferocious hump + and shoulders of the bison, with the mildly benevolent face of + the Herefordshire ox. It must not, however, be supposed that + the old country is behind-hand in such experiments, as witness + the following:—</p> + + <p>Billingsgate salesmen have lately been supplied with advance + copies of the new Codoyster fish. This epicurean triumph, which + owes its existence to the research of several eminent + specialists, is the result of a blend of the North Sea cod and + the finest Whitstable native. The result is said to reproduce + in a remarkable degree the succulent qualities of the original + fish when eaten with oyster sauce, and caterers are sure to + welcome the combination of these popular items in so handy a + form.</p> + + <p>Several fine examples of the Soho chicken have lately + appeared upon the show benches at various important poultry + contests. This ingenious creation, which has long been familiar + to the patrons of our less expensive restaurants (hence the + name), is said to possess qualities of endurance superior to + anything previously on the market. Its muscular development is + phenomenal, while the entire elimination of the liver, and the + substitution of four extra drum-sticks for the ordinary wings + and thighs, are noteworthy characteristics.</p> + + <p>Success in another branch of the same endeavour is shown in + the latest report of the Society for the Prolongation of + Dachshunds. According to this the worm-ideal seems at last to + be in sight, careful inter-breeding having now produced a + variety called the Processional, selected specimens of which + take from one to two minutes in passing any given spot. The + almost entire disappearance of legs is another attractive + feature.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile Major-Gen. Threebottle writes from Oporto Lodge, + Ealing, strongly protesting against any further complication of + the fauna of these islands, and pointing out that the simple + snakes and cats of our youth were already sufficiently + formidable to a nervous invalid like himself without the + addition of such objectionable novelties.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Without warning, while the car was travelling at about + fifteen miles per hour, the tyre of the front wheel + burst."—<i>Scotsman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Our tyres are much better trained, and each of the four + gives a distinctive cough before bursting.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WAREHOUSEMAN (jun.), clothing dept., large + corporation."—<i>Advt. in</i> "<i>Glasgow + Herald</i>."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>He should show off the new line in check waistcoats to the + best advantage.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" + id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <h2>THE SECRET OUT.</h2> + + <h3>AN INTERVIEW.</h3> + + <p>He had a coarse confident face, a red nose, a Cockney accent + and a raucous voice. He was dressed as a sluttish woman.</p> + + <p>Directly I saw him I was conscious of a feeling of + repulsion, which I fear my expression must have indicated, for + he looked surprised.</p> + + <p>"Why aren't you laughing?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"Why should I laugh?" I asked in return.</p> + + <p>"Because you are looking at me," he said. "I am accustomed + to laughter the instant I appear."</p> + + <p>"Why?"</p> + + <p>"Because I am a funny man," he said.</p> + + <p>"How?"</p> + + <p>"I look funny," he said; "I say funny things; I draw a good + salary for it. If I wasn't funny I shouldn't draw a good + salary, should I?"</p> + + <p>"You do draw it," I said guardedly. "Be funny now."</p> + + <p>"'Wait till I catch you bending,'" he said with a violent + grimace. "'What ho! 'Ave a drop of gin, ole dear?'"</p> + + <p>"Be funny now," I repeated.</p> + + <p>He looked bewildered. "I <i>was</i> being funny," he said. + "I bring the house down with that, as a rule."</p> + + <p>"Where?"</p> + + <p>"In panto," he said.</p> + + <p>"Oh!" I replied. "So you're the funny man of a pantomime, + are you?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," he said.</p> + + <p>"Which one?"</p> + + <p>"All of them," he said.</p> + + <p>"Good," I replied. "I have long wanted a talk with you. + There are things I want to ask you. Why, for instance, do you + always pretend to be a grimy slum woman?"</p> + + <p>"It seems to be expected," he said.</p> + + <p>"Who expects it? The children?"</p> + + <p>"What children?"</p> + + <p>"The children who go to pantomimes," I said.</p> + + <p>"Oh, those! Well, they laugh," he replied evasively.</p> + + <p>"They like to see you quarrelling with your husband and + getting drunk?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said.</p> + + <p>"They like to hear you, as an Ugly Sister in + <i>Cinderella</i>, singing 'Father's on the booze again; + mother's off her chump'?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said.</p> + + <p>"They like to see you as the wife of Ali Baba, finding + pawntickets in your husband's pockets and charging him with + spending his money on flappers?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said.</p> + + <p>"They like to see you, as The Widow Twankay, visit a race + meeting and get welshed and have your clothes torn off?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said.</p> + + <p>"They like to see you, as Dick Whittington's mother, telling + the cat that, if he must eat onions, at any rate he can refrain + from kissing her?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said.</p> + + <p>"They like to see you, as the dame in <i>Goody Two + Shoes</i>, open a night club on the strict understanding that + it is only for clergymen's daughters in need of + recreation?"</p> + + <p>"They laugh," he said again.</p> + + <p>"But they don't know what you mean?"</p> + + <p>"No. But I'm funny. That's what you don't seem to + understand. I'm so funny that everything I say and do makes + them laugh. It doesn't, in fact, matter <i>what</i> I say."</p> + + <p>"Ah!" I replied, "I have you there! In that case why don't + you say a few simpler and sweeter things?"</p> + + <p>He seemed perplexed.</p> + + <p>"Things," I explained, "that don't want quite so much + knowledge of the seamy side of life?"</p> + + <p>"Go on!" he said derisively. "I haven't got time to mug + <i>that</i> up. I've got my living to get. You don't suppose I + invent my jokes, do you? I collect them. I'm on the Halls the + rest of the year, and I hear them there. There hasn't been a + new joke in a pantomime these twenty years. But what you don't + seem to get into your head, mister, is the fact that I make + them laugh. Laugh. I'm a scream, I tell you."</p> + + <p>"And laughter is all you want?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"I must either make people laugh or get 'the bird.'"</p> + + <p>"But hasn't it ever occurred to you," I said, "that children + in a theatre at Christmas time are entitled to have a little + fun that is not wholly connected with sordid domestic affairs + and pothouse commonness?"</p> + + <p>"Never," he said, and I believed him.</p> + + <p>"Haven't you children of your own?"</p> + + <p>"Several."</p> + + <p>"And is that how you amuse them at home?"</p> + + <p>"Of course not. They're too young."</p> + + <p>"How old are they?"</p> + + <p>"From six to thirteen."</p> + + <p>"But that's the age of the children who go to pantomimes," I + suggested.</p> + + <p>"Well, it's different in your own home," he said. "Besides," + he added, "it isn't children I aim at in my jokes. There's + other things for them: the fairy ballets, the comic dog."</p> + + <p>"And what is the audience you aim at?" I asked. "I suppose + there is one definite figure you have in your mind's eye?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," he said, "there is one. The person in the audience + that I always aim at is the silly servant-girl in the front row + of the gallery. That's why I so often say 'girls' before I make + a joke. You've heard me, haven't you?"</p> + + <p>"Haven't I?" I groaned.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GAME LICENCE.</h2> + + <p>It was yesterday afternoon, towards the close of the last + beat of our annual cover shoot, that I perceived a fellow in a + yellow waterproof popping up his head from time to time (at no + little risk to his life) over a dyke some way behind the line + of guns. As soon as the beaters came out he advanced and + introduced himself as an Excise Officer, asking "if this would + be a convenient moment to examine the game licences of the + party."</p> + + <p>It was not at all a convenient moment for Walter—who + hadn't got one. My thoughts flew at once to Walter in this + crisis, for I knew he was bound to be had. Walter never does + have game licences, season tickets, adhesive labels, telegraph + forms or things of that sort. And as he had only returned from + Canada two days before and this was the first time that he had + been out, and further as he immediately disappeared and hid + behind the hedge, I knew that my worst suspicions must be + confirmed. While the Excise Officer was taking down the names + and addresses of the rest of the party I went after Walter. He + was sitting in the ditch with his head in his hands.</p> + + <p>"If this had happened a few years ago, old chap," he said, + "when I was a younger man, I should have run for it. But to-day + I believe that feller would overhaul me within half-a-mile. My + wind's rotten. Do you think he'll find us here?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," said I, "he is coming this way."</p> + + <p>Walter got up. "There must be some way out of it," he said + thoughtfully, "if one could only think of it." Then he boldly + confronted his accuser.</p> + + <p>"Since you put it to me," he said, "no, I have no game + licence. But fortunately in my case it is not necessary. I am + exempt."</p> + + <p>The Officer stared at him a moment.</p> + + <p>"Certainly it is necessary," he said.</p> + + <p>"Kindly show me the form of this licence," said Walter in + the most lordly, off-hand, <i>de-haut-en-bas</i> tone of voice, + and the Officer handed him one belonging to the Major, which he + had been scrutinizing. "This, I perceive," said Walter, when he + had read it carefully, "is a licence or certificate to kill + game. It doesn't apply to me."</p> + + <p>"Why not?"</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" + id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> + + <p>"Because I haven't killed any game."</p> + + <p>"But you have your gun in your hand at this moment."</p> + + <p>"That is so. This is my gun. But where, I ask you, is my + dead game? The truth is, my dear fellow," he went on, dropping + his voice to a more confidential level, "though it's pretty + humiliating to have to admit it and all that, especially before + the beaters—the truth is that I haven't hit a blamed + thing to-day. Rotten, isn't it?"</p> + + <p>Walter isn't much of a shot and there weren't many birds + anyway, and he hadn't been very lucky in his stands—and + when one came to think it over one couldn't just exactly + <i>remember</i> anything at all having fallen to his gun.</p> + + <p>"I call all these fellows to witness," said Walter most + impressively, "that I have killed no game. If it pleases me to + discharge my gun, at short intervals, for the sake of the + bang—"</p> + + <p>"You require a gun licence," said the Officer.</p> + + <p>"That is not the point. I may or may not have a gun licence, + but our present controversy relates to a certificate to kill + game. Do not let us confuse the issue."</p> + + <p>It now appeared, however, that the Officer had been waiting + behind the dyke rather longer than we knew. "I myself," he said + firmly, "saw you bring down a cock pheasant at the beginning of + the last beat."</p> + + <p>Walter consulted the paper in his hand. "I observe," he + said, "that this licence (or certificate) relates to killing + game. There is nothing said of bringing it down. I may, as you + say, have induced a cock pheasant to descend. I certainly + didn't kill him. As a matter of fact he was lightly touched on + the wing, and he ran like a hare."</p> + + <p>"He's in that patch of bracken there," said the Officer. "If + you will send a keeper and a dog with me—"</p> + + <p>"No, I can't do that," said Walter, "unless you can show me + a written authority empowering you, in the KING's name, to + borrow keepers and dogs."</p> + + <p>It was then that the fun began. The Officer went off like a + shot up the hillside, started the old cock, chased him up the + ditch and through the hedge, and finally, to everyone's + surprise and delight, collared him in a corner of the dyke. + There were loud cheers from the enthusiastic crowd, but they + were cut short by a sharp warning from Walter.</p> + + <p>"Be careful how you handle that bird, Sir!" he cried. "If + anything happens to him I shall hold you responsible. I have no + reason to believe that you hold a licence (or certificate) to + kill game. If he suffers a mortal injury I shall report + you."</p> + + <p>The Officer began to look rather bewildered and the old cock + flapped his wings.</p> + + <p>"I'll thank you for that bird," said Walter firmly, and he + took it and tucked it comfortably under his arm.</p> + + <p>"What are you going to do with it?" asked the Officer.</p> + + <p>"I am going to nurse it back to health and strength," said + Walter. "It only requires a little close attention. I shall be + happy if you will call in about a week's time to enquire. Good + afternoon. I am very pleased to have met you." And Walter held + out his hand.</p> + + <p>Well, that is where the matter rests. If Walter can keep the + bird alive the case against him falls to the ground. If not, I + suppose it means a three-pound licence and a ten-pound fine. He + took him straight back to the Home Farm and secured for him dry + and airy quarters in the poultry run, and did not leave him + till he had seen to his comfort in every way and given minute + directions as to his treatment....</p> + + <p>I am afraid the old cock passed a rather restless night, but + he was able to take part of a warm mash, with two drops of + laudanum in it, at an early hour this morning. At this moment I + hear Walter getting out his motor-bicycle. I fancy he is going + for the vet.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Says Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"There is a journal in London which has the impertinence + to call itself <i>The Nation</i>, but ... it does not + represent the merest fraction of our countrymen."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. SHORTER's own paper is called, more modestly, <i>The + Sphere</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/29.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE FUTURE OF BRITISH BOXING.</h3><i>Rough</i> (<i>to + policeman who has knocked him down</i>). "WELL, IT'S WORF + IT. TO ME BELONGS THE CREDIT OF 'AVIN' DISCOVERED A + BLOOMIN' WHITE 'OPE." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" + id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/30.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/30.png" + alt="Prussian officers inspecting the Mona Lisa." /></a> + + <h3>GETTING USED TO THE "SMILING EXPRESSION."</h3>OUR + SUGGESTION FOR A SYSTEM OF ADVANCED PHYSICAL TRAINING FOR + PRUSSIAN OFFICERS BEFORE TAKING UP COMMANDS IN THE ALSATIAN + DISTRICT, WHERE THE POPULACE IS SAID TO BE ADDICTED TO + HUMOUR. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OLD FRIENDS.</h2> + + <p>I was in the train because I had to go to Birmingham; I was + in the dining car because I had to dine. With all respect to + the Company I cannot pretend that I regarded myself as doing + anything remarkable or distinguished. The little man opposite + me, however, felt differently. I have since been told that they + of Birmingham are very proud of their non-stop train service by + both routes.</p> + + <p>"This, Sir," said the stranger, as I lowered my paper to + help myself to a proffered roll—"this is one of the + Two-Hour trains."</p> + + <p>"You don't say," said I politely but not encouragingly.</p> + + <p>"Two hours," he repeated impressively.</p> + + <p>"Indeed? Two whole hours and not a moment less?" and I + returned to my paper pending the soup's arrival.</p> + + <p>"Is it not wonderful," he resumed when I was at his mercy + again, "to be travelling at sixty miles an hour and eating soup + at the same time?"</p> + + <p>"Some people eat soup," said I, "and some drink it. For + myself, I give it a miss;" and I returned to the news.</p> + + <p>With the fish: "I came up by the breakfast train this + morning," said he, "and I now return by the dining train." He + meant by this to give credit to the Company rather than to + himself, but even so it seemed to fall short of the complete + ideal. There was something wanting. It was luncheon, of + course.</p> + + <p>"They run luncheon cars too," said he.</p> + + <p>"Then there seems to be no reason why you should ever leave + the train at all," I remarked, seeking refuge again in my + paper. In spite, however, of my coldness, he continued to + assail me with similar facts every time I emerged. Finally he + took a sheet of slightly soiled paper and pencilled on it a + schedule of our movements. It ran:—</p> + + <table summary="Schedule" + align="center"> + <tr> + <td align="center">Mileage.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Place.</td> + + <td align="right">Time.</td> + + <td></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">—</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Euston</td> + + <td align="right">6.55</td> + + <td align="center">P.M.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">5½</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Willesden</td> + + <td align="right">[7.4]</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">17½</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Watford</td> + + <td align="right">[7.18]</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">46¾</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Bletchley</td> + + <td align="right">[7.50]</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">82¼</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Rugby</td> + + <td align="right">[8.24]</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">94¼</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Coventry</td> + + <td align="right">[8.36]</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">113</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Birmingham</td> + + <td align="right">8.55</td> + + <td align="center">"</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p>"To give this the very careful consideration it deserves," + said I, "I must be left absolutely to myself."</p> + + <p>Later on, feeling that I had perhaps been rude, I offered + the man a cigar by way of compensation. He accepted it as a + mark of esteem and burst forth into more conversation. By now a + little fed up with trains himself he suggested, for the sake of + something new to say, that he had met me before somewhere. At + first I had some idea of asking for my cigar to be returned, + but instead I gave in to his persistence. More, I joined in the + conversation with an energy which surprised him.</p> + + <p>"Now I come to think of it we <i>have</i> seen each other + before; but where?" I said.</p> + + <p>He thought promiscuously, disconnectedly and aloud. I could + accept none of his suggestions because all referred to + commercial rooms in provincial hotels, places to which I have + not the <i>entrée</i>. "But I know now," I declared + brightly; "it was at a place just this side of London that I + saw you first."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" + id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/31.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/31.png" + alt="Algeria." /></a> + + <h3>THE SAND CAMPAIGN.</h3>SCENE—<i>Algeria, on the + border of the desert</i>. + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>THE ARAB AND THE CHANCELLOR</p> + + <p class="i2">WERE WALKING HAND-IN-HAND;</p> + + <p>THE LATTER WEPT A LOT TO SEE</p> + + <p class="i2">SUCH QUANTITIES OF SAND;</p> + + <p>"WHY ARE YOU HOLDING UP," HE SAID,</p> + + <p class="i2">"THIS VERY FERTILE LAND?"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" + id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> + + <p>"First?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"Oh yes," said I. "I have seen you more than once. Surely + you haven't forgotten that time at Watford?"</p> + + <p>He felt that I had the advantage of him. "When was that?" he + asked.</p> + + <p>"Not very long after the first time; and the next occasion I + remember seeing you was at a place + called—called—something beginning with a B."</p> + + <p>He was quite unable to cope with the situation.</p> + + <p>"And the next time," I continued, "I happened to be passing + through that town where the school is—you know, Rugby. I + distinctly recollect noticing then that you hadn't changed in + the least since I last saw you."</p> + + <p>He couldn't decide whether to be more flattered at my + remembering or more annoyed at his own forgetting.</p> + + <p>"Come, come," I exclaimed, "you surely cannot have forgotten + that little chat we had at Coventry?"</p> + + <p>"Coventry?" he asked. "But how long ago was that?"</p> + + <p>"Quite recently," I asserted.</p> + + <p>"But I haven't set foot in Coventry for years," said he.</p> + + <p>"Nor have I, ever," said I.</p> + + <p>I could understand his feelings thoroughly. It might be that + I was a liar; it might be that I was a lunatic. In either case + he did not wish to converse further with me. Happily, I had two + newspapers available.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As the speed of our train, in which of old he had taken such + a pride, began to slacken: "And I shouldn't be surprised," I + said from behind my paper, "if you and I saw each other again + quite soon. The world is a small place and these things soon + develop into a habit."</p> + + <p>He made no answer from behind his paper.</p> + + <p>"If you ask me when and where" (as in fact he didn't), "I + should say it is just as likely as not to happen at Birmingham + at about 8.55 P.M.," I estimated, relying upon his own + schedule.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/33.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/33.png" + alt="Kissed by his sister." /></a> + + <p><i>Harold</i> (<i>who has just been kissed by his + sister</i>). "I SAY, I WONDER WHAT SHE'S UP TO?"</p> + + <p><i>Friend</i>. "SIGN OF AFFECTION, ISN'T IT?"</p> + + <p><i>Harold</i>. "<i>AFFECTION</i>, YOU GOAT! SHE NEVER + DOES THAT TILL THE LAST DAY OF THE HOLS, AND THERE'S A WEEK + TO GO YET."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The play was preceded by 'The £12 Hook,' another + Barrie comedy of more recent date."—<i>Sydney Morning + Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We should prefer to call it "The £12 Eye."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"LABOUR IN SOUTH AFRICA.</p> + + <p>BLACK OUTLOOK."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Morning Post</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Let us hear both sides. What is the White Outlook?</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The grievance of the men is in regard to the rate of + pay. They are paid 5½d. per hair."—<i>Glasgow + News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And then when they are old and bald they have to starve.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"TANGO RAPIDLY DYING.</p> + + <p>DANCE UPHELD BY MR. MAX PEMBERTON."</p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Daily Chronicle</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This is the sort of thing that the Revue King has to put up + with. Truly the lot of royalty is not an enviable one.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From an advertisement of Tango matinées in <i>The + Lyceum</i>:—</p> + + <table summary="list" + align="center"> + <tr> + <td align="left">"RESERVED TAUTENILS (4 first + rows)</td> + + <td>10/—</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">TAUTENILS (tea included)</td> + + <td>7/6</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">TAUTENILS (tea not included)</td> + + <td>6/—"</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p><i>Gourmet</i> (<i>planking down his seven-and-six</i>). + "Tea and tautenils, please."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Seen on a Liverpool hoarding:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Quo Vadis: Whither goest thou in eight reels?"</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. "Anywhere in reason, but not home."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page34" + id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> + + <h2>IN THE GARDEN OF ALLAH.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Weary of the struggle and the squalors</p> + + <p class="i2">Which beset the politician's + life—</p> + + <p>Work that for a modicum of dollars</p> + + <p class="i2">Brings a whole infinity of + strife—</p> + + <p>Three of England's most illustrious cronies</p> + + <p class="i2">Started on a winter holiday,</p> + + <p>With no thought of MURRAY or Marconis—</p> + + <p class="i2">GEORGE and HENRY and the great TAY + PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Never since ÆNEAS and his raiders</p> + + <p class="i2">Stayed with DIDO in the days of yore</p> + + <p>Did such irresistible invaders</p> + + <p class="i2">Land upon the Carthaginian shore.</p> + + <p>GEORGE, of course, the largest crowds attended,</p> + + <p class="i2">But I'm told the kind Algerians say</p> + + <p>That ÆNEAS wasn't half so splendid</p> + + <p class="i2">Or so pious as the good TAY PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Noble sheikhs and black and bearded Bashas</p> + + <p class="i2">Bowed, whene'er they met them, to the + ground;</p> + + <p>Festas and fantasias and tamashas</p> + + <p class="i2">Followed in a never-ending round.</p> + + <p>GEORGE no more on his detractors brooded;</p> + + <p class="i2">HENRY simply sang the livelong day;</p> + + <p>While unmixed benevolence exuded</p> + + <p class="i2">From the loving heart of kind TAY + PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Side by side they read the works of HICHENS;</p> + + <p class="i2">Hand in hand they sampled the + bazaars;</p> + + <p>Ate the sweetmeats cooked in native kitchens;</p> + + <p class="i2">Flew about in sumptuous motor-cars;</p> + + <p>Golfed where once great HANNIBAL was scheming;</p> + + <p class="i2">Joked where luckless DIDO once held + sway;</p> + + <p>For the finest jokes were always streaming</p> + + <p class="i2">From the lips of comical TAY PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Other days they spent in caracoling,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mounted each upon a mettled barb,</p> + + <p>Or along the streets serenely strolling</p> + + <p class="i2">Clad in semi-oriental garb;</p> + + <p>HENRY with a cummerbund suburban;</p> + + <p class="i2">GEORGE disguised to look like ENVER + BEY;</p> + + <p>While a kilt surmounted by a turban</p> + + <p class="i2">Veiled the massive contours of TAY + PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Daily they partook of ripe and juicy</p> + + <p class="i2">Fruit, and Mocha coffee and kibobs;</p> + + <p>Daily they conversed with EL SENOUSSI</p> + + <p class="i2">And a lot of other native nobs;</p> + + <p>HENRY practised Algerine fandangos;</p> + + <p class="i2">GEORGE upon the tom-tom learned to + play;</p> + + <p>And a dervish taught ten Arab tangos</p> + + <p class="i2">To the light fantastical TAY PAY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Whither will they wander next, I wonder?</p> + + <p class="i2">Not, I hope and pray, within the + reach</p> + + <p>Of the tribes who live on loot and plunder,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fanatics who practise what they + preach.</p> + + <p>Fancy if these horrible disturbers,</p> + + <p class="i2">Swooping on our countrymen astray,</p> + + <p>Touaregs and Bedouins and Berbers,</p> + + <p class="i2">Carried off the succulent TAY PAY!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hardly had this agonizing presage</p> + + <p class="i2">Taken shape within my tortured brain,</p> + + <p>When good REUTER flashed the welcome message,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Chancellor Returns," across the + main.</p> + + <p>Neptune, be thy waters calm, not choppy,</p> + + <p class="i2">As they speed them on their homeward + way,</p> + + <p>GEORGE and HENRY and, bowed down with "copy,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Our unique arch-eulogist, TAY PAY.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MARRIED MAN'S ADVANTAGE.</h2> + + <p>Personally I think too much respect is paid to age. There is + nothing clever in being old—nothing at all. On the other + hand, youth has a charm of its own. Besides, twenty-two is not + young; you wouldn't think me so if you really knew me. The + doubt arises, I suppose, from a certain innate + light-heartedness. It is really rather pathetic.</p> + + <p>Daphne chooses to see humour in the situation, which is very + absurd of her, and, as I point out, merely reflects on herself. + Surely she doesn't wish to admit that it is foolish to love + her.</p> + + <p>And that, to make a clean breast of it, is exactly what I + do, and do madly.</p> + + <p>I follow her about, reverently watching her every movement, + hanging on her every word—no light task. And my reward? A + scant unceremonious "Hallo!" when we meet; a scanter "Night" or + "Morning," according to the circumstances, when we part. A + brave smile from me and she is gone, an unwitting spectator of + a real tragedy.</p> + + <p>Up to a few days ago I was content to bear with my lot, but + last week I rebelled. It was at a dance, after supper. Daphne + had certainly shown a sort of affection for me, motherly rather + than otherwise, I think; nevertheless an affection. But then, + and not for the first time, I had seen her flirting with + another.</p> + + <p>I decided to lose my temper. I went into the smoke-room and + deliberated very close to the fire. In five minutes I left the + room heated.</p> + + <p>I found Daphne at once.</p> + + <p>"Our dance," I said. "We will sit out."</p> + + <p>My manner must have been rather terrifying. At any rate we + sat out.</p> + + <p>"Daphne," I began, "I am in a mood that brooks no trifling. + For weeks I have loved you. You spurn me."</p> + + <p>"Oh, Billy, do be sensible," Daphne murmured.</p> + + <p>I moderated my tone. "Well, look here," I said, "why are you + so cold to me and yet flirt with my cousin? I saw you putting + his tie straight and patting his arm just now; and you won't + let me even hold your hand. It's pretty hard, Daphne."</p> + + <p>She laughed. "My dear Billy—"</p> + + <p>"Many thanks for yours of yesterday. I am having a very good + time and it is really kind of me to write."</p> + + <p>"If you won't be sensible—"</p> + + <p>"I am. It's just because I'm so serious that I jest. All the + wittiest men are broken-hearted. Go on."</p> + + <p>"Well, my dear Billy, you mustn't be foolish. I'm very fond + of you, but you're so ridiculously young."</p> + + <p>"You haven't a revolver about you?" I enquired.</p> + + <p>Daphne sighed. "Billy, you're quite hopeless. Do let me try + to explain. You see, I can't—well—flirt with you, + because I don't really flirt, of course, and besides your + cousin's different—he's married."</p> + + <p>I got up quickly. "Good-bye," I said. "You must excuse my + leaving you."</p> + + <p>Daphne looked surprised. "Where are you going?" she + enquired.</p> + + <p>"To get married." I walked away with my head in the air.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A week later I wrote Daphne a letter. It ran as + follows:—</p> + + <p>"MY DEAR DAPHNE,—I am going to get married. Tina + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" + id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> is nineteen, the same as you, + and is in the chorus of a musical comedy. She has real jet + black hair, so I am quite lucky. I hope you are fonder of me + already.</p> + + <p>Yours devotedly, BILLY."</p> + + <p>In reply, and by return of post, I received an invitation to + tea at Daphne's. Daphne, looking beautiful, was awaiting + me.</p> + + <p>"How d'you do?" I said gravely.</p> + + <p>"Billy," Daphne began, "will you be really serious with + me?"</p> + + <p>I immediately assumed a business manner and coughed.</p> + + <p>"Well?" I said.</p> + + <p>The word was sharp and incisive, a regular lawyer's + question.</p> + + <p>"Of course, you're joking about this chorus girl?"</p> + + <p>"Joking! Daphne, you know I'd do anything for you."</p> + + <p>Daphne smiled. "But, Billy, I shan't like you any better if + you marry her."</p> + + <p>I bit a piece of cake coldly. "I don't understand you, + Daphne," I said. "When I ask you to show me a little affection, + only just what you show others, you tell me I'm young and + married men are different. I arrange to be different at + considerable personal sacrifice, and you tell me you won't like + me any better." I swallowed convulsively.</p> + + <p>"But, Billy—dear—you're not actually + engaged?"</p> + + <p>"I'm not so sure," I replied. "These girls are wonderfully + sharp; and then, of course, I'm so young." (A good touch.)</p> + + <p>There was a silence.</p> + + <p>"I shall hate you if you marry a chorus girl," said + Daphne.</p> + + <p>"Then why did you tell me married men were different?"</p> + + <p>"Because most of them are." Daphne smiled slowly. "I think I + might like you better if you were married to some really nice + girl."</p> + + <p>I laughed bitterly. "To you, for instance?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, to me," said Daphne very sweetly.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/35.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/35.png" + alt="Mr. Asquith and Mr. Bonar Law." /> + </a>IN VIEW OF THE EXAGGERATED AND MISLEADING + REPORTS OF WHAT OCCURS AT THE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN + MR. ASQUITH AND MR. BONAR LAW ON THE ULSTER QUESTION + WE VENTURE TO THINK THAT A LITTLE MAKE-UP AND CAREFUL + CHOICE OF RENDEZVOUS WOULD ENABLE THE LEADERS TO HAVE + MANY A LONG CHAT ON THE SUBJECT WITHOUT ANYONE BEING + AWARE OF THEIR HAVING MET. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" + id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/36.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36.png" + alt="Kitchen scene." /></a> + + <h3>SPREAD OF THE SERVANT-GIRL GRADUATE + IDEA.</h3>(<i>Interior of a super-kitchen.</i>)<br /> + <i>Mistress</i>. "WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING YOUR SOPHOCLES + FOR A MOMENT, MARY, AND RUNNING TO THE POST?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO OBEY OR NOT TO OBEY.</h2> + + <p>8<i>th December</i>, 1913.</p> + + <p>Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook request the pleasure of Mr. Hugh + Melbrook's company at the marriage of their daughter Muriel + Irene with Mr. Adolphus Smith, at St. Peter's, Hashton, on + Wednesday, December 31st, 1913, at 1.30 o'clock, and afterwards + at <i>Westlands, Hashton</i>.</p> + + <p>R.S.V.P.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>9<i>th December</i>, 1913.</p> + + <p>Mr. Hugh Melbrook thanks Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook for the + opportunity of being present at the wedding of their daughter + Muriel Irene, but much regrets that, owing to great pressure of + work, he cannot be there. He desires that Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook + should not feel constrained to alter their present arrangements + on that account.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>26<i>th December</i>, 1913.</p> + + <p>MESSRS. HALL, MARK & Co., Silversmiths.</p> + + <p>SIRS,—Kindly despatch at once to the address given + below a seasonable wedding gift, costing no more than the + amount of the enclosed postal order. I send my card for + inclusion. Whatever change there may be please return it to me, + and oblige</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p>H. MELBROOK.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>27<i>th December</i>, 1913.</p> + + <p>H. MELBROOK, ESQ.</p> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—We are in receipt of your esteemed favour of + yesterday's date and beg to advise you that we have this day + forwarded to the address you gave a handsome cut-glass anchovy + dish with a finely-chased silver lid and tray. We enclose the + receipted bill for the dish, which stands in our list at + exactly the amount remitted by you.</p> + + <p>We are, dear Sir,</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p>HALL, MARK & Co.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>29<i>th December</i>, 1913.</p> + + <p>MY DEAR HUGH.—Thank you <i>very, very</i> much for the + sweet little butterdish. It's ripping. Do try to get down, + Hugh, there's a good boy! If you can find time to choose me + such a nice present—I know what you are, it must have + taken you hours—surely you could take the day off for + once. Say yes.</p> + + <p>In tremendous haste, and thanking you again and again,</p> + + <p>Your affectionate cousin,</p> + + <p>MURIEL.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I've just heard that Mr. Parsley, who is to marry + us, is very strict about <i>obedient</i> weddings, and I + promised Geraldine I wouldn't "obey" if she didn't. Now it's my + turn. Tell me something to do.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>30<i>th December,</i> 1913.</p> + + <p>MY GOOD MURIEL,—That's a caviare dish! Caviare dishes, + I understood, were all the rage just now, and here am I slaving + away to be in the fashion, and you calmly write back and say, + "Thank you very much for the butt—" My good Muriel!</p> + + <p>I really wanted to send you something quite different, + something equally novel but more seasonable; no less, in fact, + than a nose-muff or nose-warmer. It is a little idea of my own, + the Melbrook "Rhinotherm." Briefly, the mechanism consists of + pieces of heated charcoal, potato or what-not, encased in some + non-conducting material, the whole being then unostentatiously + affixed to the frigid end of the nose. Stupidly, I forgot to + take a plaster cast of your nose. You'll forgive me, won't + you?</p> + + <p>And now about coming down on the happy day. I feel very hurt + about it. You know perfectly well that I wanted you to be + married on a Saturday, but you wouldn't. It isn't as though you + get married every day, and I do think you might have considered + me a little more. But, even if I did come, even if by working + all night Monday and Tuesday I could scrape together a few + hours of freedom, I know what it would be. I should never be + allowed in the vestry afterwards, while all the fun was going + on. And yet you have the effrontery to sit there and ask my + help in evading your, responsibilities as a married woman. + Still, if you promise to breathe not a word of this to any + woman I may marry hereafter, here's a dead snip for you. + Listen! When you come to the words "to love, cherish and to + obey," you simply drop the second "to" (nobody will miss it) + and run the "d" of the "and" into the "obey," and lo! we have a + French word, to wit, <i>dauber</i>, meaning to cuff, drub or + belabour. What say you to that, my bonny bride? I think that + deserves an extra large slice of cake, to put under my pillow. + And I say, Muriel, I do hope there won't be any of those rotten + cassowary seeds in it. If there are, for pity's sake rake them + out and give them to someone who likes them. And I'll have his + share of the marzipan.</p> + + <p>Your affectionate cousin,</p> + + <p>HUGH.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>NEWSPAPER EXCERPT.</h4> + + <p>... During the service an amusing incident occurred. It was + noticed that the, bride, who is rumoured to have feminist + leanings, betrayed some difficulty in pronouncing the vow of + obedience. The Rev. Thos. Parsley considerately paused and + helped her to repeat the words after him in a clear and audible + manner. In an interview with our representative, Mr. Parsley + smilingly explained that he was determined, in his parish at + any rate, to discourage any possible evasion of the matrimonial + vows. He considered that a great deal of post-nuptial + unhappiness was attributable to the lamentable laxity of the + clergy in joining young people in matrimony without requiring + their future relations to be clearly defined at the outset. The + young bride refused to make any comment, but seemed highly + amused at the incident....</p> + + <p>"<i>Hashton Weekly Hash.</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A gem ring lost last summer by Franz Schroder while + travelling in a steamer on the Danube, near Prague, was + found inside a carp caught at Mayence by his + nephew."—<i>Manchester Evening News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The fact that Mayence is not on the Danube need not bother + you. Only last week our uncle lost a white elephant while + travelling in a barge on the Regent's Park Canal, near Maida + Vale, and it was found inside the hat-box of the Editor of + <i>The Manchester Evening News</i> by FRANZ SCHRODER. Bless + you, these things are always happening.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page37" + id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/37.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37.png" + alt="A fall at a hedge." /></a> + + <p><i>Irate Cottager.</i> "Hi! YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY + 'EDGE!"</p> + + <p><i>Mild Sportsman.</i> "OH, NO; YOUR HEDGE IS BREAKING + MY FALL, AND IF YOU WILL KINDLY PUSH ME BACK AGAIN I SHALL + TRY TO REJOIN MY HORSE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE COWARD.</h2> + + <p>It is impossible to describe to you exactly how Herbert + looked. But shame, defiance and unconcern were the principal + ingredients in his expression as he stood on the kerb and + stared across the road.</p> + + <p>He started guiltily as I approached.</p> + + <p>"Hallo, Herbert!" I began with my customary + <i>bonhomie</i>.</p> + + <p>"Hallo!" he said dismally.</p> + + <p>"What are you doing here?" I asked sternly.</p> + + <p>"Nothing," said Herbert. "Have you ever noticed what a fine + building that post-office is?"</p> + + <p>"No," I said; "neither have you. Herbert, you are concealing + something from me. What have I done to deserve it? Have I not + enjoyed your confidence these many years, and have you ever + known me betray it? Is it marriage that has changed you thus? + Is it—"</p> + + <p>"Shut up," said Herbert. "I'll tell you, if you stop + talking."</p> + + <p>I stopped talking.</p> + + <p>"It's this way. My wife and I have had a little discussion. + And I stated my belief that there was nothing in an ordinary + way that a woman could do that a man couldn't. Whereupon she + defied me to go out and—er—buy a bloater. As you + see, I have gone out, and—er—"</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "you have gone out. Splendid of you! And all + that remains to be done is to buy a bloater. Why not? Yonder, + if I mistake not, is the shop of a bloaterer."</p> + + <p>"But a bloater!" said Herbert. "It isn't fair. If she'd said + some salmon, or a lobster, or even a pound of sausages; or if + she'd allowed me to 'phone for it. It's not as if I'd ever had + any practice. It's not decent to start a beginner on a + hand-bought bloater."</p> + + <p>"Tush!" I said. "This is not manly. Remember, our sex is at + stake. Come!"</p> + + <p>I took him by the arm. He advanced under protest.</p> + + <p>Four paces from the shop he stopped abruptly and + laughed—a horrible laugh.</p> + + <p>"Do you know," he said, "I do believe I've come out without + a cent on me."</p> + + <p>"<i>I</i> don't believe it for a moment," I said, "but as it + happens I can lend you pounds and pounds—almost enough + for two bloaters."</p> + + <p>Herbert reluctantly found some money in one of the seven + pockets he had not felt in. Then we advanced once more.</p> + + <p>This time there was no going back. Right into the body of + the fishmonger's we strode and stood firmly opposite the + salesman.</p> + + <p>"<i>Now</i>," I whispered tensely.</p> + + <p>But Herbert hesitated, and even as he wobbled the salesman + began his suggestions.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir? Lobsters or prawns, Sir? Some very good salmon + this morning—very fine fish indeed, Sir."</p> + + <p>"Er, as a matter of fact," said Herbert, "we just wanted to + know if you would be so kind as to direct us to the nearest + post-office?—the one just across the road, you know," he + added nervously.</p> + + <p>"Herbert," I said in his private ear, "be a man."</p> + + <p>Herbert pulled himself together. "Would you," he said to the + salesman, "would you please let me look at some + b-b-blobsters?"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page38" + id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span> + + <h2>A BAD DREAM.</h2> + + <p><i>Sunday</i>.—Great news! The plan suggested by the + Anglo-German Alliance Committee is at last to be carried out. + There is to be an exchange of garrisons, that is to say, + certain English towns are to be garrisoned by German regiments, + while certain German towns are to have English garrisons. Our + own town, though a small one, is to have the distinguished + honour of being the first to give this mark of friendship to + the world. All the arrangements have been made, and to-morrow + the 901st Prussian regiment of infantry is to march in. It will + be a great day for Dartlebury, and we shall all do our best, + though the public notice has been short, to give our gallant + visitors a warm and truly British reception.</p> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Our German friends have arrived. At 11 + o'clock this morning it was announced that they were + approaching, headed by their band. The Mayor, Alderman + Farthingale, and the whole Corporation, including the three + Labour members recently elected, immediately proceeded to the + old city wall to meet them. They were accompanied by the + municipal band in full uniform, playing "<i>Die Wacht am + Rhein</i>," which they had been assiduously practising. + Unfortunately this led to what might have been a somewhat + painful contretemps. On meeting the municipal band the Prussian + commander, Colonel von Brausebrum, halted his soldiers and in a + loud voice declared that our men were playing out of tune. + Perhaps this was true, but the offence was involuntary and in + any case it was hardly serious enough to call for the arrest of + the whole band. Arrested, however, they were, and it was a + melancholy sight to see them marched off by a corporal's guard. + Mr. Zundnadel, the chief of the band, is himself of German + origin, and his feelings can be better imagined than described. + The Mayor saved the situation by making an extremely cordial + speech, in which he spoke of the English and the Germans as + ancient brothers-in-arms. The Colonel in his reply said his + mission was a glorious one, and everything would depend on the + way we conducted ourselves. What can he have meant? The march + was then resumed, but another halt was made in the High Street + to remove the French flag which Mucklow, the linen-draper, had + very tactlessly stuck up over his shop. He too was arrested, + with wife and family, and was lodged in jail. Luckily no + further incident disturbed the harmony of the proceedings.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—This morning Lieutenant von + Schornstein, while walking in Brewer's Alley, trod on a piece + of banana-skin and fell heavily on the pavement. As he rose he + observed that two small boys were, so he alleged, laughing at + him. He immediately ran after the two urchins, and was + proceeding to put them to the sword when the Brewery men + interfered and disarmed him. He pleaded that his uniform had + been insulted and that it was necessary for him to punish them. + "<i>Ich muss sie durch den Leib rennen</i>" were his words. The + men, however, were not inclined to admit the force of this + plea, especially as they understood no German, and they sent + him back to barracks in a taxi-cab. The Mayor at once wired his + apologies to the Colonel, and it is hoped that nothing further + will be heard of the incident. I ought to add that the boys + deny that they laughed, but the lieutenant is certain that they + wore a smiling expression.</p> + + <p>The "Friendship Banquet" was held this evening in the Town + Hall, with the Mayor in the chair. No very great enthusiasm was + shown, and when the Mayor, in proposing the health of our + visitors, alluded to the friendly rivalry of the two nations in + commerce and the arts of peace, the Colonel pulled him back + into his seat and begged him not to proceed. "<i>Maul + halten</i>," he said. The three Labour members of the Council + were afterwards arrested for not having joined with sufficient + heartiness in the singing of "<i>Deutschland über + Alles</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—A state of siege has been declared + in Dartlebury, and we are all living under martial law. Lord + Gruffen was arrested for having knocked up against a soldier. + The magistrates, on leaving the police-court, were handcuffed + and removed to barracks. A crisis is evidently approaching.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—An insurrection started this morning. + A huge crowd attacked the barracks and overpowered all + resistance. Blood flowed like water, but in an hour all was + over. There is a strong feeling that the experiment of the + Alliance Committee was a rash one, though no doubt it was well + meant. We live and learn.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LOOP! LOOP!!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A story of aerial prowess in the provinces.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They said, "He goes a-tumbling through the + hollow</p> + + <p class="i2">And trackless empyrean like a clown,</p> + + <p>Head pointed to the earth where weaklings + wallow,</p> + + <p class="i2">Feet up toward the stars; not such + renown</p> + + <p>Even our lord himself, the bright Apollo,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gets in his gilded car. For one bob + down</p> + + <p class="i4">You shall behold the thing." "Right-o," I + said,</p> + + <p class="i4">Clapping the old brown bay leaves on my + head.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So to the hangars. Time, about eleven,</p> + + <p class="i2">The air full chill, the ground a mess of + muck,</p> + + <p>And long time gazed I on the wintry heaven</p> + + <p class="i2">And thought of many a deed of Saxon + pluck;</p> + + <p>How DRAKE, for instance, good old DRAKE of + Devon,</p> + + <p class="i2">Played bowls at Plymouth Hoe. + Twelve-thirty struck.</p> + + <p class="i4">No one had vaulted through the air's + abyss;</p> + + <p class="i4">DRAKE would have plunged tail up an hour + ere this.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Brief interval for lunch, and then a drizzle</p> + + <p class="i2">Fell on the dreary field. Like some dead + moth</p> + + <p>The thing remained. Chagrin commenced to sizzle,</p> + + <p class="i2">And certain people cried, "A thillingth + loth."</p> + + <p>Others, "Hey, Mister Airman, it's a swizzle!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Then a stern man came out, and with a + cloth</p> + + <p class="i4">Lightly, as one well used to such a + feat,</p> + + <p class="i4">Swaddled the brute's propeller and its + seat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The skies grew darkling, and there went a + rumour,</p> + + <p class="i2">"The thing is off; he will not fly + to-day;"</p> + + <p>And forth we wandered, some in rare ill-humour,</p> + + <p class="i2">But not, oh, not the bard. Yet this I + say—</p> + + <p>There are two kinds of courage: one's a boomer</p> + + <p class="i2">Avid of gold and glory; this is A,</p> + + <p class="i4">Crowned with a palm, and in her hands I + see</p> + + <p class="i4">Sheaves of press cuttings. There is also + B.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not venturesome, this last, to brave the + billows,</p> + + <p class="i2">To beard the panther in his hidden + lair,</p> + + <p>To probe the epiderms of armadillos,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor execute wild cart-wheels in the + air;</p> + + <p>But who shall say how much Britannia still owes</p> + + <p class="i2">To B, the kind of courage that can + bear</p> + + <p class="i4">Dauntless to wait, whate'er the skies + portend,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Having paid entrance) to the bitter + end?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The heavenly hero in his suit of leather</p> + + <p class="i2">Soars through Olympus with the world + beneath</p> + + <p>Sometimes, and sometimes, owing to the weather,</p> + + <p class="i2">Scratches his fixtures in the tempest's + teeth.</p> + + <p>Shall the high gods, who gaze on both together,</p> + + <p class="i2">Count him the nobler, or confer their + wreath</p> + + <p class="i4">On the brave bull-dog bard, who risks his + thews</p> + + <p class="i4">Standing about all day in thin-soled + shoes?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>EVOE.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page39" + id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/39.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/39.png" + alt="In a book store." /></a> + + <table summary="dialog" + align="center" + width="80%"> + <tr> + <td>"HERE'S ONE I'M SURE YOU'LL LIKE, TREVOR."</td> + + <td>"WHAT IS IT?"</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td>"<i>ROBINSON CRUSOE</i>."</td> + + <td>"IN WHAT LANGUAGE?"</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Just as one may say of certain novelists that they write at + the top of their voices, so, I think, one might describe Miss + VIOLA MEYNELL as writing in a whisper. This certainly is the + effect that <i>Modern Lovers</i> (SECKER) produced upon me. The + gentle method of it invested the story—which of itself is + a very slight thing—with an odd significance almost + impossible to communicate in criticism; but the reading of a + few pages will show you what I mean. The title is apt enough, + for the tale is about nothing but love, as it affects a group + of five young people, three men and two girls. Of the girls, + who are sisters, <i>Effie Rutherglen</i> is the more important + and detailed figure. <i>Effie</i>, in the time before the story + opens, had an affair with <i>Oliver Bligh</i>; then, summoned + North to live with her futile and uncomprehending parents, she + fell (as did her sister <i>Milly</i> and most of the local + spinsters) under the fascination of one <i>Clive Maxwell</i>, + who was an author and had appealing eyes and obviously a way + with him. Then <i>Oliver</i> turned up again, and poor + <i>Effie</i> didn't know which of them she wanted. I speak + lightly, but, if you think all this made for comedy, your + conception of Miss MEYNELL's methods is very much at fault. + Love to her is very much what it was to <i>Patience</i> in the + opera—by no means a wholly enviable boon. I can hardly + praise too much the exquisite refinement and restraint of her + treatment of commonplace things. But one small point baffled + me: <i>Oliver</i> appears to have been a professional diver and + bath-keeper—we are told, indeed, that he had occupied + that position at Rugby (a statement that I have private and + personal reasons for discrediting)—yet we find him + staying as a welcome and honoured guest in the house of the + <i>Rutherglens</i>, whom I take to be more or less "county." + Surely this, though of no real importance, is at least + remarkable?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"What," I asked myself, "is just the matter with this + apparently quite nice book?" (It was <i>Joan's Green Year</i>, + and written by E.L. DOON and published by MACMILLAN.) It is the + kind of book that grows out of a romantic disposition and an + assiduously stuffed commonplace book. It consists of letters + from <i>Joan</i>, a paying guest in the Manor House Farm at + Pelton, to her brother <i>Keith</i>, a soldier in India, + telling him all about her year of holiday and "soul discipline" + in the country, the village gossip, her proposals and her one + acceptance, and giving a sort of farmer's calendar of the + seasons as interpreted by the guileless amateur. <i>Joan</i> + has what is known as a nice mind. But to tell truth she has + chosen a difficult and dangerous if alluring art form. Of + course letters enable you to evade some of the difficulties of + the novelist's task, to be discursive, allusive and incomplete. + But you can't be let off anything of the precision and subtlety + of your characterisation. On the contrary. And <i>Joan</i> + makes everyone in Pelton (except the rustics, whose + authenticity I gravely suspect) talk as <i>Joan</i> writes. + They have nearly all seen her commonplace book, I judge. Then, + again, you must not have (like <i>Joan</i>) a large list of + acquaintances, or you breed confusion and dissipate interest + accordingly. <i>Joan</i> is very young in many ways. She is + extravagant in the matter of the equipment of her heroes. + <i>Bob Ingleby</i>, the farmer (a gentleman, because he had + been at Winchester), is a "great comely giant," yet wins events + one and three of the Hunt Steeplechase, though thrown badly in + number two. I have a suspicion that this work is really + <i>Joan's</i> tee shot, and that after a notable recovery, + which on the best of her present form I can safely prophesy, + she will reach her green year next time.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page40" + id="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span> + + <p>Mrs. T.P. O'CONNOR has written a fascinating book. <i>My + Beloved South</i> she calls it, and PUTNAMS publish it. There + is not a lifeless page in the 427 that make up a bountiful + feast. Every one contains vivid reproductions of incidents in + social life in the South "befo' de wa'" and after. At the + outset we make the acquaintance of a typical Southron, Mrs. + O'CONNOR's grandfather, Governor of Florida when it was still a + Territory, with native Indians fighting fiercely for their land + and homes. Mrs. O'CONNOR was, of course, not to the fore in + those early days. But so steeped is she in lore of the South, + much of it gained from the lips of nurses and out-door + servants, so keen is her sympathy, so quick and true her + instinct that she is able to revivify the old scenes and + reproduce the atmosphere of the time. The darkey nurse of + earliest childhood lives again, sometimes bringing with her + plantation songs like "Voodoo-Bogey-Boo," quaintly musical. + Many passages of the grandfather's conversations are preserved, + in which we may detect the voice of the gifted granddaughter. + But the influence of heredity is strong, more especially "down + South." Also there are many charming stories redolent of the + South. I was about to mention the page on which will be found + the thrilling history of a mule aptly named "Satan." On + reflection I won't spoil the reader's pleasure in unexpectedly + coming upon it somewhere about the middle of the book. + Nobody—man or woman, girl or boy—who begins to read + <i>My Beloved South</i> will skip a page. So the story cannot + be overlooked.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>Lost Diaries</i> (DUCKWORTH) Mr. MAURICE BARING + travels by an easy road to humour, and he does not pound it + with too laborious feet. This is perhaps a fortunate thing, for + a farcical reconstruction of history in the light of modern + sentiment and circumstances might easily tire; a Comic History + of England, for instance, is stiffer reading to-day than + GARDNER or GREEN. Sometimes, however, Mr. BARING seems to carry + to extreme lengths his conscientious avoidance of efforts to be + funny; and in the imaginary records of one or two of his + subjects there is little more to laugh at than the unaided + fancy of the student has long ago perceived. <i>Tristram</i> + loved two <i>Iseults</i>, and JOHN MILTON was an exasperating + husband; but these things I knew, and the author of <i>Lost + Diaries</i> has made no more capital out of the situations than + the eternal merriment which the bare statement of the facts + inspires. But where Mr. BARING, pleasantly disdainful alike of + consistency and taste, examines the pocket-book of the "Man in + the Iron Mask," and finds him complaining of the noise and + disturbance in dungeon after dungeon until he is removed at + last to the lotus island of the Bastille; or records the + blameless botanical pursuits of TIBERIUS in seclusion; or the + first consumption of the Colla di Gallo by COLUMBUS in the + newly discovered West, he is, for all the simplicity of his + methods, amusing enough. Yet even so I am inclined to think + that the first of his essays, which reads like an actual + transcript from the jottings of a nineteenth-century + private-school boy, is the diary which I most heartily + congratulate Mr. BARING on having rediscovered, and which I + should be least willing for him to lose again.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>With the Land Question staring us in the face, <i>Folk of + the Furrow</i> (SMITH ELDER) should attract the attention of + those who wish thoroughly to understand what the agricultural + labourer wants and why he wants it. Mr. CHRISTOPHER HOLDENBY is + no amateur, for as Mr. STEPHEN REYNOLDS has lived with + fishermen and shared their daily lives so he has lodged in + labourers' cottages and hoed and dug with the best (and worst) + of them. The result is a book that is stamped with the + hall-mark of a great sincerity; and three facts at least can be + gathered from it by the very dullest of gleaners. First, and I + think foremost, that the decencies of life cannot be observed + if children of very various ages are to be crowded into + cottages too small to hold them; secondly, that it is useless + to expect morality from youths who have few or no amusements + provided for them; thirdly, that the passing of the old + families and the advent of the week-end "merchant princes" do + not make a change for the better. All which may be stale news, + but after reading this book I think that you will admit that + Mr. HOLDENBY has contrived to make an old tale very impressive. + In some instances it is true that I could bring evidence + directly in opposition to his, but on the whole he deserves + well for the way in which he has won the confidence of a class + naturally suspicious and silent, and for his manner of stating + his case. Had I for my sins to cram our M.P.'s for the debates + that lie before them, I should feed them liberally upon <i>Folk + of the Furrow</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/40.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/40.png" + alt="Conscientious referee." /></a>CONSCIENTIOUS + REFEREE ORDERING HIMSELF OFF THE GROUND FOR BEING + HASTY TO AN IMPERTINENT PLAYER. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO MR. CHAMBERLAIN</h2> + + <h3>ON HIS RETIREMENT FROM PUBLIC LIFE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not yet the end; only the end of strife.</p> + + <p class="i2">But now—while still the brave + unwearied heart,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fixed upon England, fain to keep its + part</p> + + <p class="i4">In her Imperial life,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Beats with the old unconquerable pride—</p> + + <p class="i2">Now leave to younger limbs the dust and + palm,</p> + + <p class="i2">And let the weary body seek the calm</p> + + <p class="i4">That comes with eventide.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There take your rest within the sunset glow,</p> + + <p class="i2">All feuds forgotten of your fighting + days,</p> + + <p class="i2">Circled with love and laurelled with the + praise</p> + + <p class="i4">Of friend and ancient foe.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 14, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 12536-h.htm or 12536-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/3/12536/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., January 14, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 6, 2004 [EBook #12536] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +January 14, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +We hear that the CHANCELLOR has, while in North Africa, been making a +close study of camels, with a view to ascertaining the nature of the +last straw which breaks their backs. + + *** + +It is denied that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in order to give a practical +demonstration of his belief in the disarmament idea, has given +instructions that all precautions against attacks on him by +Suffragettes are to be discontinued. + + *** + +The Balkan situation is considered to have undergone a change for +the worse owing to the purchase by Turkey of the Dreadnought _Rio de +Janeiro_. For ourselves we cannot subscribe to this view. Is it likely +that the Turks, after paying over L2,000,000 for her, will risk losing +this valuable vessel in war? + + *** + +On the day of the marriage of the Teuton Coal-King's daughter to Lord +REDESDALE's son last week there was snow on the ground. The Coal-King +must have shown up very well against it. + + *** + +Sir REGINALD BRADE is to be the new permanent secretary at the War +Office. Let's hope he has no connection with the firm of Gold Brade +and Red Tape. + + *** + +It has been discovered that members of a certain Eskimo tribe have +an extra joint in their waists. The news has caused the greatest +excitement among cannibal tribes all over the world, and it is +expected that there will be a huge demand for these people. Where +there are big families to feed the extra joint will be invaluable. + + *** + +"OUR RESOLUTION IS TO GO FORWARD IN THE NEW YEAR." advertises the +London General Omnibus Co. A capital idea, this. Vehicles which simply +go backwards are never so satisfactory. + + *** + +After one-hundred-and-fifty-years' careful consideration the War +Office has given permission to the Black Watch and the King's +Royal Rifle Corps to bear on their regimental colours the honorary +distinction "North America, 1763-64," in recognition of services +rendered during the war against the Red Indians. + + *** + +Not sixty people visited "La Gioconda" on one of the days after +her return to Paris, when a charge of four shillings was made for +admission, and, towards the end of the day, the smile is said to have +worn a rather forced look. + + *** + +"Who are the best selling modern authors?" asks a contemporary. We +do not like to mention names, but, as readers, we have been sold by +several popular writers lately. + + *** + +We are not surprised that many persons are becoming rather disgusted +with our little amateurish attempts at Winter. Thousands now go to +Switzerland, and Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON is going even further afield. +Meanwhile the Government does nothing to stem this emigration. + + *** + +The boxing craze among the French continues. M. VEDRINES, the intrepid +aviator, has taken it up and been practising on M. Roux's ears. + + *** + +The German CROWN PRINCE has become a member of the Danzig Cabinet +Makers' Union. Later on he hopes to become a Chancellor-maker. + + *** + +Another impending apology? Headlines from _The Daily Chronicle_:-- + + "PNEUMONIA ON THE RAND. + DISCOVERY OF ITS CAUSE. + SIR ALMROTH WRIGHT'S + VACCINE TREATMENT." + + *** + +Could frugality go further? At the golden wedding celebrations of a +Southend couple, a packet of wedding cake was eaten which had been put +away on their marriage day in 1863. + + *** + +A soap combine, with a nominal capital of L35,000,000, is said to have +been formed to exploit China; and the Mongols may yet cease to be a +yellow race. + + *** + +The latest tall story from America is to the effect that some burglars +who broke into the Presbyterian church at Syracuse, New York, stole a +parcel of sermons. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PANTOMIME FAUNA. + +_Extract from the note-book of the dramatic critic of "the Wampton +Clarion_":-- + +Mr. Clarence Fink delighted the Audience with his truly life like +representation of [Crossed-out: a wolf bear lion cat monkey] an animal +of the furry tribe.] + + * * * * * + +YOUNG MOTHER'S SWAN-SONG. + + ["It was better for a young mother to start her new + chapter unhampered: the less she knew the better it was for + her."--_Mrs. Annie Swan_.] + + How do you take a baby up? + What does it like to eat? + Do you put rusks in a feeding cup? + Have you to mince its meat? + Haven't I heard them speak of pap? + Isn't there caudle too? + How do you keep the thing on your lap? + Why are its eyes askew? + Is it a touch of original sin + Causes an infant to squall, + Or trust misplaced in a safety-pin + Lost in the depths of a shawl? + When do you "shorten" a growing child + (_Is_ it so much too long)? + Should legs be lopped or the scalp be filed? + Both in a sense seem wrong. + "Kitchy," I think I have heard them say; + What shall I make it kitch? + "Bo" I believe in a mystic way + Frightens or soothes, but which? + Didn't I see one once reversed, + Patted about the spine? + Is it the way they should all be nursed? + Will it agree with mine? + Surely its gums are strangely bare? + Why does it dribble so? + Will reason dawn in that glassy stare + If I dandle it briskly? OH!!! + Grandmothers! Mothers! or Instinct, you! + Haste with your secret lore! + What, oh what shall I, what shall I do? + Baby has crashed to the floor! + + * * * * * + + "They adjourned to the Village Hell, where each child was + presented with a parcel of suitable clothing."--_Tonbridge + Free Press_. + +Asbestos, no doubt. + + * * * * * + +A PRANCING PRUSSIAN. + + (_Showing how Colonel VON REUTER, late of Zabern, appealed to + his regiment to defend the honour of the Army. The following + speech is based upon evidence given at the Strassburg trial._) + + My Prussian braves, on whom devolves the mission + To vindicate our gallant Army's worth, + Upholding in its present proud position + The noblest fighting instrument on earth-- + If, in your progress, any vile civilian + Declines the homage of the lifted hat, + Your business is to paint his chest vermilion-- + Kindly attend to that. + + Never leave barracks, when you go a-shopping, + Without an escort loaded up with lead; + Always maintain a desultory popping + At anyone who wags a wanton head; + If, as he passes, some low boy should whistle + With nose in air and shameless chin out-thrust, + Making your scandalised moustaches bristle-- + Reduce the dog to dust. + + I hear a sinister and shocking rumour + Touching the native tendency to chaff. + If you should meet with specimens of humour + See that our soldiers get the final laugh; + Fling the facetious corpses in the fountains + So as the red blood overflows the brink; + Keep on until the blue Alsatian mountains + Turn a reflective pink. + + Should any female whom your shadow touches + Grudge you the glad, but deferential, eye; + Should any cripple fail to hold his crutches + At the salute as you go marching by; + Draw, in the KAISER's name--'tis rank high treason; + Stun them with sabre-strokes upon the poll; + Then dump them (giving no pedantic reason) + Down cellars with the coal. + + Be on your guard against all people strolling + In ones or twos about the public square + Hard by your quarters; set your men patrolling; + Ask every knave what he is doing there; + And, if in your good wisdom you determine + To view their conduct in a dangerous light, + Bring the machine-guns out and blow the vermin + Into the _Ewigkeit_. + + Enough! I leave our honour in your keeping. + What are your bright swords for except to slay? + Preserve their lustre; let me see them leaping + Out of their scabbards twenty times a day; + Unless we smash these craven churls like crockery + To prove our right of place within the sun, + Our martial prestige has become a mockery + And Deutschland's day is done! + + O.S. + + * * * * * + + "The dancing, in the conventional bullet style, of Miss Sybil + Roe, was quite good."--_Wiltshire Times_. + +We confess that the bullet style is too fast for us. + + * * * * * + + "In all the best dress ateliers classic evening gowns are now + being exhibited, and in many of these the lines of the corsage + closely resemble the draperies to be seen on the Venus de + Milo."--_Daily Mail_. + +We must go and look at the Venus de Milo's corsage again. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW JOURNAL-INSURANCE. + + [Several newspapers have been roused to a sense of their + duties to their readers by the insurance competition between + _The Chronicle_ and _The Mail_. We make a few preliminary + announcements of other insurance schemes which are not yet + contemplated.] + +_VOTES FOR WOMEN_.--A copy of the current issue nailed to your front +door insures you absolutely against arson. + +_THE STAR_.--All regular subscribers to _The Star_ are insured with +the proprietors of _The Daily News_ for L1,000 in the event of being +welshed on any race-course. + +_THE NATIONAL REVIEW_.--Annual subscribers to _The National Review_ +are guaranteed L10,000 in the event of being (a) robbed on the highway +by a member of the present Ministry; (b) defrauded by a member of the +present Ministry; (c) having house burgled by member of the present +Ministry; (d) having pocket picked by member of present Ministry; +always excluding any act or acts done by the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER in a strictly official capacity. + +_THE CHURCH TIMES_.--All regular subscribers are insured for L500 +against excommunication. L1,000 will be paid to the heirs or assigns +of any reader who loses his head in a conflict with a Bishop (Deans, +Rural Deans, Canons and Archdeacons being excepted from the benefit of +this clause in the policy). + +_THE ENGLISH REVIEW_.--Poetic contributors are insured for L500 in the +event of a prosecution under the Blasphemy Laws. + +_THE DAILY EXPRESS_.--You can sleep soundly in your bed, you can sleep +soundly in your train, if the current issue of _The Daily Express_ +be on your person. All purchasers are insured for L10,000 against any +conflagrations or explosions caused by bombs or combustibles dropped +from German airships. + +_THE BRITISH WEEKLY_.--All readers of _The British Weekly_ are insured +for L1,000 in the event of heart-failure caused by shock while reading +the thrilling stories provided by SILAS, JOSEPH, TIMOTHY and JEREMIAH +HOCKING. + +_THE RECORD_.--L500 will be paid to any annual subscriber forcibly +detained in a convent, provided that at the time of such detention a +copy of the current issue of _The Record_ be in his possession. L1,000 +will be paid to the legal representatives of any reader burnt at the +stake. + +_THE CRICCIETH CHRONICLE_.--L3 a week for life, together with a +poultry farm on a Sutherland deer-forest, to the owner of any shorn +lamb which is found dead in a snow-drift with a copy of the current +issue wrapt round it, to keep it warm. + + * * * * * + +The great world rolls on, but of the master-brains which direct its +movement the man in the street knows nothing. He has never heard +of the Clerk of the Portland Urban District Council; he is entirely +ignorant of Army Order 701. + + "Dear Sir" (writes the Clerk)--"A meeting of the Underhill + Members of the Council will be held to-morrow (Saturday), at 3 + o'clock p.m., in Spring Gardens (Fortuneswell) for the purpose + of selecting a site for the Telegraph Post." + + "With effect from 1st January, 1914" (says the Army Order) + "rewigging of gun sponges will be done by the Ordnance + Department instead of locally as at present." + + * * * * * + + "Inman was seen to greater advantage at yesterday afternoon's + session in this match of 18,000 up, in Edinburgh, than on + any previous day of the match, scoring 1,083 while Aiken was + aggregating the mentally afflicted."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + +One must amuse oneself somehow while the other man is at the table. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SEA-CHANGE. + +TORY CHORUS (_to WINSTON_). "YOU'VE MADE ME LOVE YOU; I DIDN'T WANT TO +DO IT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amiable Uncle_ (_doing some conjuring to amuse the +children_). "SEE, HERE I HAVE A BILLIARD BALL--I AM GOING TO TURN IT +INTO SOMETHING ELSE." + +_First Bored Youngster_ (_to second ditto_). "WHY SHOULD HE? IT'S A +VERY NICE BALL."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO TELL AN EDITOR. + +In view of _The Daily Mail's_ praiseworthy efforts to instruct +applicants for situations in the correct phrasing of letters to +prospective employers, we propose to supply a similar long-felt want, +and give a little advice as to the kind of letter it is desirable to +enclose with contributions to periodicals. + +Begin your letter in a friendly vein, hoping the Editor and his people +are pretty well. Remember also that Editors like to know something +of the characters and histories of their contributors. So let your +communication include a _resume_ of your personal and literary career. +Don't fall into the error of making your letter too concise. + +The following suggestions may serve to indicate some of the lines of +thought that you might follow:-- + +(1) State where you sent your first manuscript. + +(2) What you thought of it, and of the Editor who returned it. + +(3) Your height and chest measurement (an Editor likes to be on the +safe side). + +(4) State who persuaded you to take up literature, and give height and +chest measurement of same. + +(5) Give a short but optimistic description of your contribution, not +to exceed in length the contribution itself. + +(6) State whether literary genius is rife in your family or has been +rife at any time since 1066. + +(7) Give a list of journals to which you have already sent the +enclosed contribution, and state your reasons for supposing that the +Editors were misguided. Hint that perhaps, after all, their lack of +enterprise was fortunate for the present recipient. + +(8) Mention your hobbies and the different appointments you have held +since the age of twelve, with names and addresses of employers. Also +give your reasons for remaining as long as you did in each situation. + +(9) State how long you have been a subscriber to the journal you are +electing to honour, and whether you think it's worth the money. Point +out any little improvements you consider desirable in its compilation, +and mention other periodicals as perfect examples. Preface these +remarks with some such phrase as this: "Pray don't think I want to +teach you your business, but--" + +(10) Give full list (names and addresses) of friends who have promised +to buy the paper if your contribution appears. + +(11) Give a brief outline, in faultless English, of your religious, +political and police court convictions, your views on Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE, and any ideas you may have about the Law of Copyright. + +Finally, enclose a stamped and addressed envelope for the return of +your article. + + * * * * * + + "It has always been supposed that Charles I. when Prince of + Wales and travelling incognito with the Duke of Buckingham saw + and fell in love with Marie Antoinette." + +Not by us. We always supposed he fell in love with SARAH BERNHARDT. + + * * * * * + +THE SAME OLD STORY. + +We stood in a circle round the parrot's cage and gazed with interest +at its occupant. She (Evangeline) was balancing easily on one leg, +while with the other leg and her beak she tried to peel a monkey-nut. +There are some of us who hate to be watched at meals, particularly +when dealing with the dessert, but Evangeline is not of our number. + +"There," said Mrs. Atherley, "isn't she a beauty?" + +I felt that, as the last to be introduced, I ought to say something. + +"What do you say to a parrot?" I whispered to Miss Atherley. + +"Have a banana," suggested Archie. + +"I believe you say, 'Scratch-a-poll,'" said Miss Atherley, "but I +don't know why." + +"Isn't that rather dangerous? Suppose it retorted 'Scratch your own,' +I shouldn't know a bit how to go on." + +"It can't talk," said Archie. "It's quite a baby--only seven months +old. But it's no good showing it your watch; you must think of some +other way of amusing it." + +"Break it to me, Archie. Have I been asked down solely to amuse the +parrot, or did any of you others want to see me?" + +"Only the parrot," said Archie. + +Evangeline paid no attention to us. She continued to wrestle with the +monkey-nut. I should say that she was a bird not easily amused. + +"Can't it really talk at all?" I asked Mrs. Atherley. + +"Not yet. You see, she's only just come over from South America, and +isn't used to the climate yet." + +"Just the person you'd expect to talk a lot about the weather. I +believe you've been had. Write a little note to the poulterers and ask +if you can change it. You've got a bad one by mistake." + +"We got it as a bird," said Mrs. Atherley with dignity, "not as a +gramophone." + +The next morning Evangeline was as silent as ever. Miss Atherley and I +surveyed it after breakfast. It was still grappling with a monkey-nut, +but no doubt a different one. + +"Isn't it _ever_ going to talk?" I asked. "Really, I thought parrots +were continually chatting." + +"Yes, but they have to be taught--just like you teach a baby." + +"Are you sure? I quite see that you have to teach them any special +things you want them to say, but I thought they were all born with +a few simple obvious remarks, like 'Poor Polly,' or--or 'Dash LLOYD +GEORGE.'" + +"I don't think so," said Miss Atherley. "Not the green ones." + +At dinner that evening, Mr. Atherley being now with us, the question +of Evangeline's education was seriously considered. + +"The only proper method," began Mr. Atherley--"By the way," he said, +turning to me, "you don't know anything about parrots, do you?" + +"No," I said. "You can go on quite safely." + +"The only proper method of teaching a parrot--I got this from a man in +the City this morning--is to give her a word at a time, and to go on +repeating it over and over again until she's got hold of it." + +"And after that the parrot goes on repeating it over and over again +until you've got sick of it," said Archie. + +"Then we shall have to be very careful what word we choose," said Mrs. +Atherley. + +"What is your favourite word?" + +"Well, really--" + +"Animal, vegetable or mineral?" asked Archie. + +"This is quite impossible. Every word by itself seems so silly." + +"Not 'home' and 'mother,'" I said reproachfully. + +"You shall recite your little piece in the drawing-room afterwards," +said Miss Atherley to me. "Think of something sensible now." + +"Yes," said Mrs. Atherley. "What's the latest word from London?" + +"Kikuyu." + +"What?" + +"I can't say it again," I protested. + +"If you can't even say it twice, it's no good for Evangeline." + +A thoughtful silence fell upon us. + +"Have you fixed on a name for her yet?" Miss Atherley asked her +mother. + +"Evangeline, of course." + +"No, I mean a name for her to call _you_. Because if she's going +to call you 'Auntie' or 'Darling,' or whatever you decide on, you'd +better start by teaching her that." + +And then I had a brilliant idea. + +"I've got the very word," I said. "It's 'hallo.' You see, it's a +pleasant form of greeting to any stranger, and it will go perfectly +with the next word that she's taught, whatever it may be." + +"Supposing it's 'wardrobe,'" suggested Archie, "or 'sardine'?" + +"Why not? 'Hallo, Sardine' is the perfect title for a _revue_. Witty, +subtle, neat--probably the great brain of the Revue King has already +evolved it, and is planning the opening scene." + +"Yes, 'hallo' isn't at all bad," said Mr. Atherley. "Anyway, it's +better than 'Poor Polly,' which is simply morbid. Let's fix on +'hallo.'" + +"Good," said Mrs. Atherley. + +Evangeline said nothing, being asleep under her blanket. + + * * * * * + +I was down first next morning, having forgotten to wind up my watch +overnight. Longing for company I took the blanket off Evangeline's +cage and introduced her to the world again. She stirred sleepily, +opened her eyes and blinked at me. + +"Hallo, Evangeline," I said. + +She made no reply. + +Suddenly a splendid scheme occurred to me. I would teach Evangeline +her word now. How it would surprise the others when they came down and +said "Hallo" to her, to find themselves promptly answered back! + +"Evangeline," I said, "listen. Hallo, hallo, hallo, hallo." I stopped +a moment and went on more slowly. "Hallo--hallo--hallo." + +It was dull work. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo--hallo," and then very distinctly, +"Hal-_lo_." + +Evangeline looked at me with an utterly bored face. + +"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo." + +She picked up a monkey nut and ate it languidly. + +"Hallo," I went on, "hallo, hallo ... hallo, _hallo_, HALLO, HALLO ... +hallo, hallo--" + +She dropped her nut and roused herself for a moment. + +"Number engaged," she snapped, and took another nut. + + * * * * * + +You needn't believe this. The others didn't when I told them. + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +From "Notes, Questions and Answers" in _T.P.'s Weekly_:-- + + "Author wanted, and where the whole poem can be found:-- + + "Drink to me only with thine eyes, + And I'll not ask for wine." + + C.E.H. + + [Herrick. A collected edition of the poems is published by + J.M. Dent at 1s. net.--ED. N.Q.A.]" + +Afterthought by ED. N.Q.A.: "At least I think it's HERRICK ... or +WORDSWORTH ... but wait till the Editor comes back from Algiers. He's +sure to know." + + * * * * * + + "Sir John Thornycroft kicked off in a football charity match + at Bembridge, Isle of Wight, in which the combined ages of the + players was 440 years."--_Hull Daily Mail_. + +Why not? + + * * * * * + + "M. Timiriazeff, president of the Anglo-British Chamber of + Commerce, followed with a speech."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +We like his Anglo-British name. + + * * * * * + +WINTER SPORTS. + + [_Some additional aspects of the fashionable topic that + seem to have escaped the writers of similar articles in our + contemporaries_.] + +(I.)--BUYING THE HOTEL. + +For this game several players are required, who form themselves into +one or more parties according to numbers. A player, preferably a +woman, is selected as leader, and should possess nerve, coolness, and +an authoritative voice. The object of the game is to secure (1) The +best rooms; (2) Tables with a view; (3) The controlling interest in +all projects of entertainment. It is an important advantage for the +leader to have stayed in the hotel at least once previously. If she +is able to announce on arrival, "Here we are as usual!" and to greet +the proprietor and staff by name, this often gives an initial blow +exceedingly hard to parry. English visitors have been proving very +adept at the sport this season, with Americans a good second. The +German game, on the contrary, is slower and less subtle. + +(II.)--SPOTTING THE PARSON. + +An amusing game that has been very popular at many Swiss resorts +lately, and one that calls for the qualifications of a quick brain +and a keen eye. The universal adoption of sweaters and woollen +caps makes the task of the players one of considerable difficulty. +Envelope-reading should be forbidden by the rules, and some codes even +debar the offering of a _Church Times_ to a suspected stranger. The +_Athenaeum_ and _Spectator_ may, however, be freely employed as bait. +A simpler version of the same sport called "HOW MANY SCHOOLMASTERS?" +is often indulged in between December 20th and January 15th, after +which latter date it loses its point. + +Other games, seldom chronicled but inquiring at least as much skill +from their votaries as the better known varieties, are EARLY MORNING +SKI-BAGGING--at which the Germans frequently carry all before +them--and PRESSING THE PRESS-PHOTOGRAPHER, where the object of all the +players is to appear recognizably in a snap-shot for the illustrated +journals. At this the record score of three weekly and five daily +papers has been held for two successive seasons by the same player, a +gentleman whose dexterity is the subject of universal admiration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE--_Interior of box at Fancy Dress Ball_. + +_Host of Party_. "I SAY, BETTY, I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A CITY +FRIEND OF MINE, _MR. JONES_." + +_Hostess_ (_hospitably_). "HOW D'YOU DO? OH, YOU'RE _AWFULLY_ GOOD!" + +_Host_ (_sotto voce_). "TAKE CARE! HE'S NOT MADE UP AT ALL."] + + * * * * * + +THE WONDER ZOO. + +Canada has evolved a novelty described as a "new beef animal," which +is a blend of the domestic cow and the North American bison. The +resulting prodigy has the ferocious hump and shoulders of the bison, +with the mildly benevolent face of the Herefordshire ox. It must +not, however, be supposed that the old country is behind-hand in such +experiments, as witness the following:-- + +Billingsgate salesmen have lately been supplied with advance copies +of the new Codoyster fish. This epicurean triumph, which owes its +existence to the research of several eminent specialists, is the +result of a blend of the North Sea cod and the finest Whitstable +native. The result is said to reproduce in a remarkable degree the +succulent qualities of the original fish when eaten with oyster sauce, +and caterers are sure to welcome the combination of these popular +items in so handy a form. + +Several fine examples of the Soho chicken have lately appeared upon +the show benches at various important poultry contests. This ingenious +creation, which has long been familiar to the patrons of our less +expensive restaurants (hence the name), is said to possess qualities +of endurance superior to anything previously on the market. Its +muscular development is phenomenal, while the entire elimination of +the liver, and the substitution of four extra drum-sticks for the +ordinary wings and thighs, are noteworthy characteristics. + +Success in another branch of the same endeavour is shown in the latest +report of the Society for the Prolongation of Dachshunds. According +to this the worm-ideal seems at last to be in sight, careful +inter-breeding having now produced a variety called the Processional, +selected specimens of which take from one to two minutes in passing +any given spot. The almost entire disappearance of legs is another +attractive feature. + +Meanwhile Major-Gen. Threebottle writes from Oporto Lodge, Ealing, +strongly protesting against any further complication of the fauna of +these islands, and pointing out that the simple snakes and cats of our +youth were already sufficiently formidable to a nervous invalid like +himself without the addition of such objectionable novelties. + + * * * * * + + "Without warning, while the car was travelling at about + fifteen miles per hour, the tyre of the front wheel + burst."--_Scotsman_. + +Our tyres are much better trained, and each of the four gives a +distinctive cough before bursting. + + * * * * * + + "WAREHOUSEMAN (jun.), clothing dept., large + corporation."--_Advt. in_ "_Glasgow Herald_." + +He should show off the new line in check waistcoats to the best +advantage. + + * * * * * + +THE SECRET OUT. + +AN INTERVIEW. + +He had a coarse confident face, a red nose, a Cockney accent and a +raucous voice. He was dressed as a sluttish woman. + +Directly I saw him I was conscious of a feeling of repulsion, which I +fear my expression must have indicated, for he looked surprised. + +"Why aren't you laughing?" he asked. + +"Why should I laugh?" I asked in return. + +"Because you are looking at me," he said. "I am accustomed to laughter +the instant I appear." + +"Why?" + +"Because I am a funny man," he said. + +"How?" + +"I look funny," he said; "I say funny things; I draw a good salary for +it. If I wasn't funny I shouldn't draw a good salary, should I?" + +"You do draw it," I said guardedly. "Be funny now." + +"'Wait till I catch you bending,'" he said with a violent grimace. +"'What ho! 'Ave a drop of gin, ole dear?'" + +"Be funny now," I repeated. + +He looked bewildered. "I _was_ being funny," he said. "I bring the +house down with that, as a rule." + +"Where?" + +"In panto," he said. + +"Oh!" I replied. "So you're the funny man of a pantomime, are you?" + +"Yes," he said. + +"Which one?" + +"All of them," he said. + +"Good," I replied. "I have long wanted a talk with you. There are +things I want to ask you. Why, for instance, do you always pretend to +be a grimy slum woman?" + +"It seems to be expected," he said. + +"Who expects it? The children?" + +"What children?" + +"The children who go to pantomimes," I said. + +"Oh, those! Well, they laugh," he replied evasively. + +"They like to see you quarrelling with your husband and getting +drunk?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to hear you, as an Ugly Sister in _Cinderella_, singing +'Father's on the booze again; mother's off her chump'?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you as the wife of Ali Baba, finding pawntickets +in your husband's pockets and charging him with spending his money on +flappers?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as The Widow Twankay, visit a race meeting and +get welshed and have your clothes torn off?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as Dick Whittington's mother, telling the cat +that, if he must eat onions, at any rate he can refrain from kissing +her?" + +"They laugh," he said. + +"They like to see you, as the dame in _Goody Two Shoes_, open a night +club on the strict understanding that it is only for clergymen's +daughters in need of recreation?" + +"They laugh," he said again. + +"But they don't know what you mean?" + +"No. But I'm funny. That's what you don't seem to understand. I'm so +funny that everything I say and do makes them laugh. It doesn't, in +fact, matter _what_ I say." + +"Ah!" I replied, "I have you there! In that case why don't you say a +few simpler and sweeter things?" + +He seemed perplexed. + +"Things," I explained, "that don't want quite so much knowledge of the +seamy side of life?" + +"Go on!" he said derisively. "I haven't got time to mug _that_ up. +I've got my living to get. You don't suppose I invent my jokes, do +you? I collect them. I'm on the Halls the rest of the year, and I hear +them there. There hasn't been a new joke in a pantomime these twenty +years. But what you don't seem to get into your head, mister, is the +fact that I make them laugh. Laugh. I'm a scream, I tell you." + +"And laughter is all you want?" I asked. + +"I must either make people laugh or get 'the bird.'" + +"But hasn't it ever occurred to you," I said, "that children in a +theatre at Christmas time are entitled to have a little fun that +is not wholly connected with sordid domestic affairs and pothouse +commonness?" + +"Never," he said, and I believed him. + +"Haven't you children of your own?" + +"Several." + +"And is that how you amuse them at home?" + +"Of course not. They're too young." + +"How old are they?" + +"From six to thirteen." + +"But that's the age of the children who go to pantomimes," I +suggested. + +"Well, it's different in your own home," he said. "Besides," he added, +"it isn't children I aim at in my jokes. There's other things for +them: the fairy ballets, the comic dog." + +"And what is the audience you aim at?" I asked. "I suppose there is +one definite figure you have in your mind's eye?" + +"Yes," he said, "there is one. The person in the audience that I +always aim at is the silly servant-girl in the front row of the +gallery. That's why I so often say 'girls' before I make a joke. +You've heard me, haven't you?" + +"Haven't I?" I groaned. + + * * * * * + +THE GAME LICENCE. + +It was yesterday afternoon, towards the close of the last beat of our +annual cover shoot, that I perceived a fellow in a yellow waterproof +popping up his head from time to time (at no little risk to his life) +over a dyke some way behind the line of guns. As soon as the beaters +came out he advanced and introduced himself as an Excise Officer, +asking "if this would be a convenient moment to examine the game +licences of the party." + +It was not at all a convenient moment for Walter--who hadn't got one. +My thoughts flew at once to Walter in this crisis, for I knew he was +bound to be had. Walter never does have game licences, season tickets, +adhesive labels, telegraph forms or things of that sort. And as he +had only returned from Canada two days before and this was the first +time that he had been out, and further as he immediately disappeared +and hid behind the hedge, I knew that my worst suspicions must be +confirmed. While the Excise Officer was taking down the names and +addresses of the rest of the party I went after Walter. He was sitting +in the ditch with his head in his hands. + +"If this had happened a few years ago, old chap," he said, "when I +was a younger man, I should have run for it. But to-day I believe that +feller would overhaul me within half-a-mile. My wind's rotten. Do you +think he'll find us here?" + +"Yes," said I, "he is coming this way." + +Walter got up. "There must be some way out of it," he said +thoughtfully, "if one could only think of it." Then he boldly +confronted his accuser. + +"Since you put it to me," he said, "no, I have no game licence. But +fortunately in my case it is not necessary. I am exempt." + +The Officer stared at him a moment. + +"Certainly it is necessary," he said. + +"Kindly show me the form of this licence," said Walter in the most +lordly, off-hand, _de-haut-en-bas_ tone of voice, and the Officer +handed him one belonging to the Major, which he had been scrutinizing. +"This, I perceive," said Walter, when he had read it carefully, "is a +licence or certificate to kill game. It doesn't apply to me." + +"Why not?" + +"Because I haven't killed any game." + +"But you have your gun in your hand at this moment." + +"That is so. This is my gun. But where, I ask you, is my dead game? +The truth is, my dear fellow," he went on, dropping his voice to a +more confidential level, "though it's pretty humiliating to have to +admit it and all that, especially before the beaters--the truth is +that I haven't hit a blamed thing to-day. Rotten, isn't it?" + +Walter isn't much of a shot and there weren't many birds anyway, and +he hadn't been very lucky in his stands--and when one came to think +it over one couldn't just exactly _remember_ anything at all having +fallen to his gun. + +"I call all these fellows to witness," said Walter most impressively, +"that I have killed no game. If it pleases me to discharge my gun, at +short intervals, for the sake of the bang--" + +"You require a gun licence," said the Officer. + +"That is not the point. I may or may not have a gun licence, but our +present controversy relates to a certificate to kill game. Do not let +us confuse the issue." + +It now appeared, however, that the Officer had been waiting behind the +dyke rather longer than we knew. "I myself," he said firmly, "saw you +bring down a cock pheasant at the beginning of the last beat." + +Walter consulted the paper in his hand. "I observe," he said, "that +this licence (or certificate) relates to killing game. There is +nothing said of bringing it down. I may, as you say, have induced a +cock pheasant to descend. I certainly didn't kill him. As a matter of +fact he was lightly touched on the wing, and he ran like a hare." + +"He's in that patch of bracken there," said the Officer. "If you will +send a keeper and a dog with me--" + +"No, I can't do that," said Walter, "unless you can show me a written +authority empowering you, in the KING's name, to borrow keepers and +dogs." + +It was then that the fun began. The Officer went off like a shot +up the hillside, started the old cock, chased him up the ditch and +through the hedge, and finally, to everyone's surprise and delight, +collared him in a corner of the dyke. There were loud cheers from the +enthusiastic crowd, but they were cut short by a sharp warning from +Walter. + +"Be careful how you handle that bird, Sir!" he cried. "If anything +happens to him I shall hold you responsible. I have no reason to +believe that you hold a licence (or certificate) to kill game. If he +suffers a mortal injury I shall report you." + +The Officer began to look rather bewildered and the old cock flapped +his wings. + +"I'll thank you for that bird," said Walter firmly, and he took it and +tucked it comfortably under his arm. + +"What are you going to do with it?" asked the Officer. + +"I am going to nurse it back to health and strength," said Walter. "It +only requires a little close attention. I shall be happy if you will +call in about a week's time to enquire. Good afternoon. I am very +pleased to have met you." And Walter held out his hand. + +Well, that is where the matter rests. If Walter can keep the bird +alive the case against him falls to the ground. If not, I suppose it +means a three-pound licence and a ten-pound fine. He took him straight +back to the Home Farm and secured for him dry and airy quarters in the +poultry run, and did not leave him till he had seen to his comfort in +every way and given minute directions as to his treatment.... + +I am afraid the old cock passed a rather restless night, but he was +able to take part of a warm mash, with two drops of laudanum in it, at +an early hour this morning. At this moment I hear Walter getting out +his motor-bicycle. I fancy he is going for the vet. + + * * * * * + +Says Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER:-- + + "There is a journal in London which has the impertinence to + call itself _The Nation_, but ... it does not represent the + merest fraction of our countrymen." + +Mr. SHORTER's own paper is called, more modestly, _The Sphere_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FUTURE OF BRITISH BOXING. + +_Rough_ (_to policeman who has knocked him down_). "WELL, IT'S WORF +IT. TO ME BELONGS THE CREDIT OF 'AVIN' DISCOVERED A BLOOMIN' WHITE +'OPE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GETTING USED TO THE "SMILING EXPRESSION." + +OUR SUGGESTION FOR A SYSTEM OF ADVANCED PHYSICAL TRAINING FOR PRUSSIAN +OFFICERS BEFORE TAKING UP COMMANDS IN THE ALSATIAN DISTRICT, WHERE THE +POPULACE IS SAID TO BE ADDICTED TO HUMOUR.] + + * * * * * + +OLD FRIENDS. + +I was in the train because I had to go to Birmingham; I was in the +dining car because I had to dine. With all respect to the Company I +cannot pretend that I regarded myself as doing anything remarkable or +distinguished. The little man opposite me, however, felt differently. +I have since been told that they of Birmingham are very proud of their +non-stop train service by both routes. + +"This, Sir," said the stranger, as I lowered my paper to help myself +to a proffered roll--"this is one of the Two-Hour trains." + +"You don't say," said I politely but not encouragingly. + +"Two hours," he repeated impressively. + +"Indeed? Two whole hours and not a moment less?" and I returned to my +paper pending the soup's arrival. + +"Is it not wonderful," he resumed when I was at his mercy again, +"to be travelling at sixty miles an hour and eating soup at the same +time?" + +"Some people eat soup," said I, "and some drink it. For myself, I give +it a miss;" and I returned to the news. + +With the fish: "I came up by the breakfast train this morning," said +he, "and I now return by the dining train." He meant by this to give +credit to the Company rather than to himself, but even so it seemed to +fall short of the complete ideal. There was something wanting. It was +luncheon, of course. + +"They run luncheon cars too," said he. + +"Then there seems to be no reason why you should ever leave the train +at all," I remarked, seeking refuge again in my paper. In spite, +however, of my coldness, he continued to assail me with similar facts +every time I emerged. Finally he took a sheet of slightly soiled paper +and pencilled on it a schedule of our movements. It ran:-- + + Mileage. Place. Time. + + -- Euston 6.55 P.M. + 51/2 Willesden [7.4] " + 171/2 Watford [7.18] " + 463/4 Bletchley [7.50] " + 821/4 Rugby [8.24] " + 941/4 Coventry [8.36] " + 113 Birmingham 8.55 " + +"To give this the very careful consideration it deserves," said I, "I +must be left absolutely to myself." + +Later on, feeling that I had perhaps been rude, I offered the man a +cigar by way of compensation. He accepted it as a mark of esteem and +burst forth into more conversation. By now a little fed up with trains +himself he suggested, for the sake of something new to say, that he +had met me before somewhere. At first I had some idea of asking for my +cigar to be returned, but instead I gave in to his persistence. More, +I joined in the conversation with an energy which surprised him. + +"Now I come to think of it we _have_ seen each other before; but +where?" I said. + +He thought promiscuously, disconnectedly and aloud. I could accept +none of his suggestions because all referred to commercial rooms in +provincial hotels, places to which I have not the _entree_. "But I +know now," I declared brightly; "it was at a place just this side of +London that I saw you first." + +"First?" he asked. + +"Oh yes," said I. "I have seen you more than once. Surely you haven't +forgotten that time at Watford?" + +He felt that I had the advantage of him. "When was that?" he asked. + +"Not very long after the first time; and the next occasion I remember +seeing you was at a place called--called--something beginning with a +B." + +He was quite unable to cope with the situation. + +"And the next time," I continued, "I happened to be passing through +that town where the school is--you know, Rugby. I distinctly recollect +noticing then that you hadn't changed in the least since I last saw +you." + +He couldn't decide whether to be more flattered at my remembering or +more annoyed at his own forgetting. + +"Come, come," I exclaimed, "you surely cannot have forgotten that +little chat we had at Coventry?" + +"Coventry?" he asked. "But how long ago was that?" + +"Quite recently," I asserted. + +"But I haven't set foot in Coventry for years," said he. + +"Nor have I, ever," said I. + +I could understand his feelings thoroughly. It might be that I was a +liar; it might be that I was a lunatic. In either case he did not wish +to converse further with me. Happily, I had two newspapers available. + + * * * * * + +As the speed of our train, in which of old he had taken such a pride, +began to slacken: "And I shouldn't be surprised," I said from behind +my paper, "if you and I saw each other again quite soon. The world is +a small place and these things soon develop into a habit." + +He made no answer from behind his paper. + +"If you ask me when and where" (as in fact he didn't), "I should say +it is just as likely as not to happen at Birmingham at about 8.55 +P.M.," I estimated, relying upon his own schedule. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SAND CAMPAIGN. + +SCENE--_Algeria, on the border of the desert_. + + THE ARAB AND THE CHANCELLOR + WERE WALKING HAND-IN-HAND; + THE LATTER WEPT A LOT TO SEE + SUCH QUANTITIES OF SAND; + "WHY ARE YOU HOLDING UP," HE SAID, + "THIS VERY FERTILE LAND?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Harold_ (_who has just been kissed by his sister_). "I +SAY, I WONDER WHAT SHE'S UP TO?" + +_Friend_. "SIGN OF AFFECTION, ISN'T IT?" + +_Harold_. "_AFFECTION_, YOU GOAT! SHE NEVER DOES THAT TILL THE LAST +DAY OF THE HOLS, AND THERE'S A WEEK TO GO YET."] + + * * * * * + + "The play was preceded by 'The L12 Hook,' another Barrie + comedy of more recent date."--_Sydney Morning Herald_. + +We should prefer to call it "The L12 Eye." + + * * * * * + + "LABOUR IN SOUTH AFRICA. + BLACK OUTLOOK." + + _Morning Post_. + +Let us hear both sides. What is the White Outlook? + + * * * * * + + "The grievance of the men is in regard to the rate of pay. + They are paid 51/2d. per hair."--_Glasgow News_. + +And then when they are old and bald they have to starve. + + * * * * * + + "TANGO RAPIDLY DYING. + DANCE UPHELD BY MR. MAX PEMBERTON." + _Daily Chronicle_. + +This is the sort of thing that the Revue King has to put up with. +Truly the lot of royalty is not an enviable one. + + * * * * * + +From an advertisement of Tango matinees in _The Lyceum_:-- + + "RESERVED TAUTENILS (4 first rows) 10/-- + TAUTENILS (tea included) 7/6 + TAUTENILS (tea not included) 6/--" + +_Gourmet_ (_planking down his seven-and-six_). "Tea and tautenils, +please." + + * * * * * + +Seen on a Liverpool hoarding:-- + + "Quo Vadis: Whither goest thou in eight reels?" + + _Answer_. "Anywhere in reason, but not home." + + * * * * * + +IN THE GARDEN OF ALLAH. + + Weary of the struggle and the squalors + Which beset the politician's life-- + Work that for a modicum of dollars + Brings a whole infinity of strife-- + Three of England's most illustrious cronies + Started on a winter holiday, + With no thought of MURRAY or Marconis-- + GEORGE and HENRY and the great TAY PAY. + + Never since AENEAS and his raiders + Stayed with DIDO in the days of yore + Did such irresistible invaders + Land upon the Carthaginian shore. + GEORGE, of course, the largest crowds attended, + But I'm told the kind Algerians say + That AENEAS wasn't half so splendid + Or so pious as the good TAY PAY. + + Noble sheikhs and black and bearded Bashas + Bowed, whene'er they met them, to the ground; + Festas and fantasias and tamashas + Followed in a never-ending round. + GEORGE no more on his detractors brooded; + HENRY simply sang the livelong day; + While unmixed benevolence exuded + From the loving heart of kind TAY PAY. + + Side by side they read the works of HICHENS; + Hand in hand they sampled the bazaars; + Ate the sweetmeats cooked in native kitchens; + Flew about in sumptuous motor-cars; + Golfed where once great HANNIBAL was scheming; + Joked where luckless DIDO once held sway; + For the finest jokes were always streaming + From the lips of comical TAY PAY. + + Other days they spent in caracoling, + Mounted each upon a mettled barb, + Or along the streets serenely strolling + Clad in semi-oriental garb; + HENRY with a cummerbund suburban; + GEORGE disguised to look like ENVER BEY; + While a kilt surmounted by a turban + Veiled the massive contours of TAY PAY. + + Daily they partook of ripe and juicy + Fruit, and Mocha coffee and kibobs; + Daily they conversed with EL SENOUSSI + And a lot of other native nobs; + HENRY practised Algerine fandangos; + GEORGE upon the tom-tom learned to play; + And a dervish taught ten Arab tangos + To the light fantastical TAY PAY. + + Whither will they wander next, I wonder? + Not, I hope and pray, within the reach + Of the tribes who live on loot and plunder, + Fanatics who practise what they preach. + Fancy if these horrible disturbers, + Swooping on our countrymen astray, + Touaregs and Bedouins and Berbers, + Carried off the succulent TAY PAY! + + Hardly had this agonizing presage + Taken shape within my tortured brain, + When good REUTER flashed the welcome message, + "Chancellor Returns," across the main. + Neptune, be thy waters calm, not choppy, + As they speed them on their homeward way, + GEORGE and HENRY and, bowed down with "copy," + Our unique arch-eulogist, TAY PAY. + + * * * * * + +THE MARRIED MAN'S ADVANTAGE. + +Personally I think too much respect is paid to age. There is nothing +clever in being old--nothing at all. On the other hand, youth has a +charm of its own. Besides, twenty-two is not young; you wouldn't +think me so if you really knew me. The doubt arises, I suppose, from +a certain innate light-heartedness. It is really rather pathetic. + +Daphne chooses to see humour in the situation, which is very absurd +of her, and, as I point out, merely reflects on herself. Surely she +doesn't wish to admit that it is foolish to love her. + +And that, to make a clean breast of it, is exactly what I do, and do +madly. + +I follow her about, reverently watching her every movement, hanging +on her every word--no light task. And my reward? A scant unceremonious +"Hallo!" when we meet; a scanter "Night" or "Morning," according to +the circumstances, when we part. A brave smile from me and she is +gone, an unwitting spectator of a real tragedy. + +Up to a few days ago I was content to bear with my lot, but last week +I rebelled. It was at a dance, after supper. Daphne had certainly +shown a sort of affection for me, motherly rather than otherwise, +I think; nevertheless an affection. But then, and not for the first +time, I had seen her flirting with another. + +I decided to lose my temper. I went into the smoke-room and +deliberated very close to the fire. In five minutes I left the room +heated. + +I found Daphne at once. + +"Our dance," I said. "We will sit out." + +My manner must have been rather terrifying. At any rate we sat out. + +"Daphne," I began, "I am in a mood that brooks no trifling. For weeks +I have loved you. You spurn me." + +"Oh, Billy, do be sensible," Daphne murmured. + +I moderated my tone. "Well, look here," I said, "why are you so cold +to me and yet flirt with my cousin? I saw you putting his tie straight +and patting his arm just now; and you won't let me even hold your +hand. It's pretty hard, Daphne." + +She laughed. "My dear Billy--" + +"Many thanks for yours of yesterday. I am having a very good time and +it is really kind of me to write." + +"If you won't be sensible--" + +"I am. It's just because I'm so serious that I jest. All the wittiest +men are broken-hearted. Go on." + +"Well, my dear Billy, you mustn't be foolish. I'm very fond of you, +but you're so ridiculously young." + +"You haven't a revolver about you?" I enquired. + +Daphne sighed. "Billy, you're quite hopeless. Do let me try to +explain. You see, I can't--well--flirt with you, because I don't +really flirt, of course, and besides your cousin's different--he's +married." + +I got up quickly. "Good-bye," I said. "You must excuse my leaving +you." + +Daphne looked surprised. "Where are you going?" she enquired. + +"To get married." I walked away with my head in the air. + + * * * * * + +A week later I wrote Daphne a letter. It ran as follows:-- + +"MY DEAR DAPHNE,--I am going to get married. Tina is nineteen, the +same as you, and is in the chorus of a musical comedy. She has real +jet black hair, so I am quite lucky. I hope you are fonder of me +already. + +Yours devotedly, BILLY." + +In reply, and by return of post, I received an invitation to tea at +Daphne's. Daphne, looking beautiful, was awaiting me. + +"How d'you do?" I said gravely. + +"Billy," Daphne began, "will you be really serious with me?" + +I immediately assumed a business manner and coughed. + +"Well?" I said. + +The word was sharp and incisive, a regular lawyer's question. + +"Of course, you're joking about this chorus girl?" + +"Joking! Daphne, you know I'd do anything for you." + +Daphne smiled. "But, Billy, I shan't like you any better if you marry +her." + +I bit a piece of cake coldly. "I don't understand you, Daphne," I +said. "When I ask you to show me a little affection, only just what +you show others, you tell me I'm young and married men are different. +I arrange to be different at considerable personal sacrifice, and you +tell me you won't like me any better." I swallowed convulsively. + +"But, Billy--dear--you're not actually engaged?" + +"I'm not so sure," I replied. "These girls are wonderfully sharp; and +then, of course, I'm so young." (A good touch.) + +There was a silence. + +"I shall hate you if you marry a chorus girl," said Daphne. + +"Then why did you tell me married men were different?" + +"Because most of them are." Daphne smiled slowly. "I think I might +like you better if you were married to some really nice girl." + +I laughed bitterly. "To you, for instance?" + +"Yes, to me," said Daphne very sweetly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN VIEW OF THE EXAGGERATED AND MISLEADING REPORTS OF +WHAT OCCURS AT THE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN MR. ASQUITH AND MR. BONAR LAW +ON THE ULSTER QUESTION WE VENTURE TO THINK THAT A LITTLE MAKE-UP AND +CAREFUL CHOICE OF RENDEZVOUS WOULD ENABLE THE LEADERS TO HAVE MANY A +LONG CHAT ON THE SUBJECT WITHOUT ANYONE BEING AWARE OF THEIR HAVING +MET.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPREAD OF THE SERVANT-GIRL GRADUATE IDEA. + +(_Interior of a super-kitchen._) + +_Mistress_. "WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING YOUR SOPHOCLES FOR A MOMENT, MARY, +AND RUNNING TO THE POST?"] + + * * * * * + +TO OBEY OR NOT TO OBEY. + +_8th December, 1913._ + +Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook request the pleasure of Mr. Hugh Melbrook's +company at the marriage of their daughter Muriel Irene with Mr. +Adolphus Smith, at St. Peter's, Hashton, on Wednesday, December 31st, +1913, at 1.30 o'clock, and afterwards at _Westlands, Hashton_. + +R.S.V.P. + + +_9th December, 1913._ + +Mr. Hugh Melbrook thanks Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook for the opportunity of +being present at the wedding of their daughter Muriel Irene, but much +regrets that, owing to great pressure of work, he cannot be there. +He desires that Mr. and Mrs. Melbrook should not feel constrained to +alter their present arrangements on that account. + + +_26th December, 1913._ + +MESSRS. HALL, MARK & Co., Silversmiths. + +SIRS,--Kindly despatch at once to the address given below a seasonable +wedding gift, costing no more than the amount of the enclosed postal +order. I send my card for inclusion. Whatever change there may be +please return it to me, and oblige + +Yours faithfully, + +H. MELBROOK. + + +_27th December, 1913._ + +H. MELBROOK, ESQ. + +DEAR SIR,--We are in receipt of your esteemed favour of yesterday's +date and beg to advise you that we have this day forwarded to +the address you gave a handsome cut-glass anchovy dish with a +finely-chased silver lid and tray. We enclose the receipted bill for +the dish, which stands in our list at exactly the amount remitted by +you. + +We are, dear Sir, + +Yours faithfully, + +HALL, MARK & Co. + + +_29th December, 1913._ + +MY DEAR HUGH.--Thank you _very, very_ much for the sweet little +butterdish. It's ripping. Do try to get down, Hugh, there's a good +boy! If you can find time to choose me such a nice present--I know +what you are, it must have taken you hours--surely you could take the +day off for once. Say yes. + +In tremendous haste, and thanking you again and again, + +Your affectionate cousin, + +MURIEL. + +P.S.--I've just heard that Mr. Parsley, who is to marry us, is very +strict about _obedient_ weddings, and I promised Geraldine I wouldn't +"obey" if she didn't. Now it's my turn. Tell me something to do. + + +_30th December, 1913._ + +MY GOOD MURIEL,--That's a caviare dish! Caviare dishes, I understood, +were all the rage just now, and here am I slaving away to be in the +fashion, and you calmly write back and say, "Thank you very much for +the butt--" My good Muriel! + +I really wanted to send you something quite different, something +equally novel but more seasonable; no less, in fact, than a +nose-muff or nose-warmer. It is a little idea of my own, the Melbrook +"Rhinotherm." Briefly, the mechanism consists of pieces of heated +charcoal, potato or what-not, encased in some non-conducting material, +the whole being then unostentatiously affixed to the frigid end of the +nose. Stupidly, I forgot to take a plaster cast of your nose. You'll +forgive me, won't you? + +And now about coming down on the happy day. I feel very hurt about it. +You know perfectly well that I wanted you to be married on a Saturday, +but you wouldn't. It isn't as though you get married every day, and +I do think you might have considered me a little more. But, even if +I did come, even if by working all night Monday and Tuesday I could +scrape together a few hours of freedom, I know what it would be. I +should never be allowed in the vestry afterwards, while all the fun +was going on. And yet you have the effrontery to sit there and ask my +help in evading your, responsibilities as a married woman. Still, if +you promise to breathe not a word of this to any woman I may marry +hereafter, here's a dead snip for you. Listen! When you come to the +words "to love, cherish and to obey," you simply drop the second "to" +(nobody will miss it) and run the "d" of the "and" into the "obey," +and lo! we have a French word, to wit, _dauber_, meaning to cuff, +drub or belabour. What say you to that, my bonny bride? I think that +deserves an extra large slice of cake, to put under my pillow. And I +say, Muriel, I do hope there won't be any of those rotten cassowary +seeds in it. If there are, for pity's sake rake them out and give them +to someone who likes them. And I'll have his share of the marzipan. + +Your affectionate cousin, + +HUGH. + + +NEWSPAPER EXCERPT. + +... During the service an amusing incident occurred. It was noticed +that the, bride, who is rumoured to have feminist leanings, betrayed +some difficulty in pronouncing the vow of obedience. The Rev. Thos. +Parsley considerately paused and helped her to repeat the words +after him in a clear and audible manner. In an interview with +our representative, Mr. Parsley smilingly explained that he was +determined, in his parish at any rate, to discourage any possible +evasion of the matrimonial vows. He considered that a great deal of +post-nuptial unhappiness was attributable to the lamentable laxity +of the clergy in joining young people in matrimony without requiring +their future relations to be clearly defined at the outset. The young +bride refused to make any comment, but seemed highly amused at the +incident.... + +"_Hashton Weekly Hash._" + + * * * * * + + "A gem ring lost last summer by Franz Schroder while + travelling in a steamer on the Danube, near Prague, was found + inside a carp caught at Mayence by his nephew."--_Manchester + Evening News_. + +The fact that Mayence is not on the Danube need not bother you. Only +last week our uncle lost a white elephant while travelling in a barge +on the Regent's Park Canal, near Maida Vale, and it was found inside +the hat-box of the Editor of _The Manchester Evening News_ by FRANZ +SCHRODER. Bless you, these things are always happening. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irate Cottager._ "Hi! YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY 'EDGE!" + +_Mild Sportsman._ "OH, NO; YOUR HEDGE IS BREAKING MY FALL, AND IF YOU +WILL KINDLY PUSH ME BACK AGAIN I SHALL TRY TO REJOIN MY HORSE."] + + * * * * * + +THE COWARD. + +It is impossible to describe to you exactly how Herbert looked. But +shame, defiance and unconcern were the principal ingredients in his +expression as he stood on the kerb and stared across the road. + +He started guiltily as I approached. + +"Hallo, Herbert!" I began with my customary _bonhomie_. + +"Hallo!" he said dismally. + +"What are you doing here?" I asked sternly. + +"Nothing," said Herbert. "Have you ever noticed what a fine building +that post-office is?" + +"No," I said; "neither have you. Herbert, you are concealing something +from me. What have I done to deserve it? Have I not enjoyed your +confidence these many years, and have you ever known me betray it? Is +it marriage that has changed you thus? Is it--" + +"Shut up," said Herbert. "I'll tell you, if you stop talking." + +I stopped talking. + +"It's this way. My wife and I have had a little discussion. And I +stated my belief that there was nothing in an ordinary way that a +woman could do that a man couldn't. Whereupon she defied me to go out +and--er--buy a bloater. As you see, I have gone out, and--er--" + +"Yes," I said, "you have gone out. Splendid of you! And all that +remains to be done is to buy a bloater. Why not? Yonder, if I mistake +not, is the shop of a bloaterer." + +"But a bloater!" said Herbert. "It isn't fair. If she'd said some +salmon, or a lobster, or even a pound of sausages; or if she'd allowed +me to 'phone for it. It's not as if I'd ever had any practice. It's +not decent to start a beginner on a hand-bought bloater." + +"Tush!" I said. "This is not manly. Remember, our sex is at stake. +Come!" + +I took him by the arm. He advanced under protest. + +Four paces from the shop he stopped abruptly and laughed--a horrible +laugh. + +"Do you know," he said, "I do believe I've come out without a cent on +me." + +"_I_ don't believe it for a moment," I said, "but as it happens I can +lend you pounds and pounds--almost enough for two bloaters." + +Herbert reluctantly found some money in one of the seven pockets he +had not felt in. Then we advanced once more. + +This time there was no going back. Right into the body of the +fishmonger's we strode and stood firmly opposite the salesman. + +"_Now_," I whispered tensely. + +But Herbert hesitated, and even as he wobbled the salesman began his +suggestions. + +"Yes, Sir? Lobsters or prawns, Sir? Some very good salmon this +morning--very fine fish indeed, Sir." + +"Er, as a matter of fact," said Herbert, "we just wanted to know if +you would be so kind as to direct us to the nearest post-office?--the +one just across the road, you know," he added nervously. + +"Herbert," I said in his private ear, "be a man." + +Herbert pulled himself together. "Would you," he said to the salesman, +"would you please let me look at some b-b-blobsters?" + + * * * * * + +A BAD DREAM. + +_Sunday_.--Great news! The plan suggested by the Anglo-German Alliance +Committee is at last to be carried out. There is to be an exchange of +garrisons, that is to say, certain English towns are to be garrisoned +by German regiments, while certain German towns are to have +English garrisons. Our own town, though a small one, is to have +the distinguished honour of being the first to give this mark of +friendship to the world. All the arrangements have been made, and +to-morrow the 901st Prussian regiment of infantry is to march in. +It will be a great day for Dartlebury, and we shall all do our best, +though the public notice has been short, to give our gallant visitors +a warm and truly British reception. + +_Monday_.--Our German friends have arrived. At 11 o'clock this morning +it was announced that they were approaching, headed by their band. The +Mayor, Alderman Farthingale, and the whole Corporation, including the +three Labour members recently elected, immediately proceeded to the +old city wall to meet them. They were accompanied by the municipal +band in full uniform, playing "_Die Wacht am Rhein_," which they had +been assiduously practising. Unfortunately this led to what might have +been a somewhat painful contretemps. On meeting the municipal band the +Prussian commander, Colonel von Brausebrum, halted his soldiers and in +a loud voice declared that our men were playing out of tune. Perhaps +this was true, but the offence was involuntary and in any case it +was hardly serious enough to call for the arrest of the whole band. +Arrested, however, they were, and it was a melancholy sight to see +them marched off by a corporal's guard. Mr. Zundnadel, the chief of +the band, is himself of German origin, and his feelings can be better +imagined than described. The Mayor saved the situation by making an +extremely cordial speech, in which he spoke of the English and the +Germans as ancient brothers-in-arms. The Colonel in his reply said his +mission was a glorious one, and everything would depend on the way +we conducted ourselves. What can he have meant? The march was then +resumed, but another halt was made in the High Street to remove the +French flag which Mucklow, the linen-draper, had very tactlessly stuck +up over his shop. He too was arrested, with wife and family, and was +lodged in jail. Luckily no further incident disturbed the harmony of +the proceedings. + +_Tuesday_.--This morning Lieutenant von Schornstein, while walking in +Brewer's Alley, trod on a piece of banana-skin and fell heavily on +the pavement. As he rose he observed that two small boys were, so he +alleged, laughing at him. He immediately ran after the two urchins, +and was proceeding to put them to the sword when the Brewery men +interfered and disarmed him. He pleaded that his uniform had been +insulted and that it was necessary for him to punish them. "_Ich +muss sie durch den Leib rennen_" were his words. The men, however, +were not inclined to admit the force of this plea, especially as +they understood no German, and they sent him back to barracks in a +taxi-cab. The Mayor at once wired his apologies to the Colonel, and it +is hoped that nothing further will be heard of the incident. I ought +to add that the boys deny that they laughed, but the lieutenant is +certain that they wore a smiling expression. + +The "Friendship Banquet" was held this evening in the Town Hall, +with the Mayor in the chair. No very great enthusiasm was shown, and +when the Mayor, in proposing the health of our visitors, alluded to +the friendly rivalry of the two nations in commerce and the arts of +peace, the Colonel pulled him back into his seat and begged him not +to proceed. "_Maul halten_," he said. The three Labour members of the +Council were afterwards arrested for not having joined with sufficient +heartiness in the singing of "_Deutschland ueber Alles_." + +_Wednesday_.--A state of siege has been declared in Dartlebury, and +we are all living under martial law. Lord Gruffen was arrested for +having knocked up against a soldier. The magistrates, on leaving the +police-court, were handcuffed and removed to barracks. A crisis is +evidently approaching. + +_Thursday_.--An insurrection started this morning. A huge crowd +attacked the barracks and overpowered all resistance. Blood flowed +like water, but in an hour all was over. There is a strong feeling +that the experiment of the Alliance Committee was a rash one, though +no doubt it was well meant. We live and learn. + + * * * * * + +LOOP! LOOP!! + +(_A STORY OF AERIAL PROWESS IN THE PROVINCES._) + + They said, "He goes a-tumbling through the hollow + And trackless empyrean like a clown, + Head pointed to the earth where weaklings wallow, + Feet up toward the stars; not such renown + Even our lord himself, the bright Apollo, + Gets in his gilded car. For one bob down + You shall behold the thing." "Right-o," I said, + Clapping the old brown bay leaves on my head. + + So to the hangars. Time, about eleven, + The air full chill, the ground a mess of muck, + And long time gazed I on the wintry heaven + And thought of many a deed of Saxon pluck; + How DRAKE, for instance, good old DRAKE of Devon, + Played bowls at Plymouth Hoe. Twelve-thirty struck. + No one had vaulted through the air's abyss; + DRAKE would have plunged tail up an hour ere this. + + Brief interval for lunch, and then a drizzle + Fell on the dreary field. Like some dead moth + The thing remained. Chagrin commenced to sizzle, + And certain people cried, "A thillingth loth." + Others, "Hey, Mister Airman, it's a swizzle!" + Then a stern man came out, and with a cloth + Lightly, as one well used to such a feat, + Swaddled the brute's propeller and its seat. + + The skies grew darkling, and there went a rumour, + "The thing is off; he will not fly to-day;" + And forth we wandered, some in rare ill-humour, + But not, oh, not the bard. Yet this I say-- + There are two kinds of courage: one's a boomer + Avid of gold and glory; this is A, + Crowned with a palm, and in her hands I see + Sheaves of press cuttings. There is also B. + + Not venturesome, this last, to brave the billows, + To beard the panther in his hidden lair, + To probe the epiderms of armadillos, + Nor execute wild cart-wheels in the air; + But who shall say how much Britannia still owes + To B, the kind of courage that can bear + Dauntless to wait, whate'er the skies portend, + (Having paid entrance) to the bitter end? + + The heavenly hero in his suit of leather + Soars through Olympus with the world beneath + Sometimes, and sometimes, owing to the weather, + Scratches his fixtures in the tempest's teeth. + Shall the high gods, who gaze on both together, + Count him the nobler, or confer their wreath + On the brave bull-dog bard, who risks his thews + Standing about all day in thin-soled shoes? + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERE'S ONE I'M SURE YOU'LL LIKE, TREVOR." + +"WHAT IS IT?" + +"_ROBINSON CRUSOE_." + +"IN WHAT LANGUAGE?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Just as one may say of certain novelists that they write at the top +of their voices, so, I think, one might describe Miss VIOLA MEYNELL +as writing in a whisper. This certainly is the effect that _Modern +Lovers_ (SECKER) produced upon me. The gentle method of it invested +the story--which of itself is a very slight thing--with an odd +significance almost impossible to communicate in criticism; but the +reading of a few pages will show you what I mean. The title is apt +enough, for the tale is about nothing but love, as it affects a group +of five young people, three men and two girls. Of the girls, who are +sisters, _Effie Rutherglen_ is the more important and detailed figure. +_Effie_, in the time before the story opens, had an affair with +_Oliver Bligh_; then, summoned North to live with her futile and +uncomprehending parents, she fell (as did her sister _Milly_ and most +of the local spinsters) under the fascination of one _Clive Maxwell_, +who was an author and had appealing eyes and obviously a way with him. +Then _Oliver_ turned up again, and poor _Effie_ didn't know which of +them she wanted. I speak lightly, but, if you think all this made +for comedy, your conception of Miss MEYNELL's methods is very much +at fault. Love to her is very much what it was to _Patience_ in the +opera--by no means a wholly enviable boon. I can hardly praise too +much the exquisite refinement and restraint of her treatment of +commonplace things. But one small point baffled me: _Oliver_ appears +to have been a professional diver and bath-keeper--we are told, +indeed, that he had occupied that position at Rugby (a statement +that I have private and personal reasons for discrediting)--yet we +find him staying as a welcome and honoured guest in the house of the +_Rutherglens_, whom I take to be more or less "county." Surely this, +though of no real importance, is at least remarkable? + + * * * * * + +"What," I asked myself, "is just the matter with this apparently quite +nice book?" (It was _Joan's Green Year_, and written by E.L. DOON and +published by MACMILLAN.) It is the kind of book that grows out of a +romantic disposition and an assiduously stuffed commonplace book. It +consists of letters from _Joan_, a paying guest in the Manor House +Farm at Pelton, to her brother _Keith_, a soldier in India, telling +him all about her year of holiday and "soul discipline" in the +country, the village gossip, her proposals and her one acceptance, and +giving a sort of farmer's calendar of the seasons as interpreted by +the guileless amateur. _Joan_ has what is known as a nice mind. But +to tell truth she has chosen a difficult and dangerous if alluring art +form. Of course letters enable you to evade some of the difficulties +of the novelist's task, to be discursive, allusive and incomplete. But +you can't be let off anything of the precision and subtlety of your +characterisation. On the contrary. And _Joan_ makes everyone in Pelton +(except the rustics, whose authenticity I gravely suspect) talk +as _Joan_ writes. They have nearly all seen her commonplace book, +I judge. Then, again, you must not have (like _Joan_) a large list +of acquaintances, or you breed confusion and dissipate interest +accordingly. _Joan_ is very young in many ways. She is extravagant in +the matter of the equipment of her heroes. _Bob Ingleby_, the farmer +(a gentleman, because he had been at Winchester), is a "great comely +giant," yet wins events one and three of the Hunt Steeplechase, though +thrown badly in number two. I have a suspicion that this work is +really _Joan's_ tee shot, and that after a notable recovery, which on +the best of her present form I can safely prophesy, she will reach her +green year next time. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. T.P. O'CONNOR has written a fascinating book. _My Beloved South_ +she calls it, and PUTNAMS publish it. There is not a lifeless page +in the 427 that make up a bountiful feast. Every one contains vivid +reproductions of incidents in social life in the South "befo' de +wa'" and after. At the outset we make the acquaintance of a typical +Southron, Mrs. O'CONNOR's grandfather, Governor of Florida when it +was still a Territory, with native Indians fighting fiercely for their +land and homes. Mrs. O'CONNOR was, of course, not to the fore in those +early days. But so steeped is she in lore of the South, much of it +gained from the lips of nurses and out-door servants, so keen is her +sympathy, so quick and true her instinct that she is able to revivify +the old scenes and reproduce the atmosphere of the time. The darkey +nurse of earliest childhood lives again, sometimes bringing with +her plantation songs like "Voodoo-Bogey-Boo," quaintly musical. Many +passages of the grandfather's conversations are preserved, in which we +may detect the voice of the gifted granddaughter. But the influence of +heredity is strong, more especially "down South." Also there are many +charming stories redolent of the South. I was about to mention the +page on which will be found the thrilling history of a mule aptly +named "Satan." On reflection I won't spoil the reader's pleasure in +unexpectedly coming upon it somewhere about the middle of the book. +Nobody--man or woman, girl or boy--who begins to read _My Beloved +South_ will skip a page. So the story cannot be overlooked. + + * * * * * + +In _Lost Diaries_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. MAURICE BARING travels by an easy +road to humour, and he does not pound it with too laborious feet. This +is perhaps a fortunate thing, for a farcical reconstruction of history +in the light of modern sentiment and circumstances might easily tire; +a Comic History of England, for instance, is stiffer reading to-day +than GARDNER or GREEN. Sometimes, however, Mr. BARING seems to carry +to extreme lengths his conscientious avoidance of efforts to be funny; +and in the imaginary records of one or two of his subjects there is +little more to laugh at than the unaided fancy of the student has long +ago perceived. _Tristram_ loved two _Iseults_, and JOHN MILTON was +an exasperating husband; but these things I knew, and the author of +_Lost Diaries_ has made no more capital out of the situations than +the eternal merriment which the bare statement of the facts inspires. +But where Mr. BARING, pleasantly disdainful alike of consistency +and taste, examines the pocket-book of the "Man in the Iron Mask," +and finds him complaining of the noise and disturbance in dungeon +after dungeon until he is removed at last to the lotus island of the +Bastille; or records the blameless botanical pursuits of TIBERIUS in +seclusion; or the first consumption of the Colla di Gallo by COLUMBUS +in the newly discovered West, he is, for all the simplicity of his +methods, amusing enough. Yet even so I am inclined to think that the +first of his essays, which reads like an actual transcript from the +jottings of a nineteenth-century private-school boy, is the diary +which I most heartily congratulate Mr. BARING on having rediscovered, +and which I should be least willing for him to lose again. + + * * * * * + +With the Land Question staring us in the face, _Folk of the Furrow_ +(SMITH ELDER) should attract the attention of those who wish +thoroughly to understand what the agricultural labourer wants and +why he wants it. Mr. CHRISTOPHER HOLDENBY is no amateur, for as Mr. +STEPHEN REYNOLDS has lived with fishermen and shared their daily lives +so he has lodged in labourers' cottages and hoed and dug with the +best (and worst) of them. The result is a book that is stamped with +the hall-mark of a great sincerity; and three facts at least can be +gathered from it by the very dullest of gleaners. First, and I think +foremost, that the decencies of life cannot be observed if children +of very various ages are to be crowded into cottages too small to hold +them; secondly, that it is useless to expect morality from youths who +have few or no amusements provided for them; thirdly, that the passing +of the old families and the advent of the week-end "merchant princes" +do not make a change for the better. All which may be stale news, but +after reading this book I think that you will admit that Mr. HOLDENBY +has contrived to make an old tale very impressive. In some instances +it is true that I could bring evidence directly in opposition to his, +but on the whole he deserves well for the way in which he has won the +confidence of a class naturally suspicious and silent, and for his +manner of stating his case. Had I for my sins to cram our M.P.'s for +the debates that lie before them, I should feed them liberally upon +_Folk of the Furrow_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUS REFEREE ORDERING HIMSELF OFF THE GROUND +FOR BEING HASTY TO AN IMPERTINENT PLAYER.] + + * * * * * + +TO MR. CHAMBERLAIN + +ON HIS RETIREMENT FROM PUBLIC LIFE. + + Not yet the end; only the end of strife. + But now--while still the brave unwearied heart, + Fixed upon England, fain to keep its part + In her Imperial life, + + Beats with the old unconquerable pride-- + Now leave to younger limbs the dust and palm, + And let the weary body seek the calm + That comes with eventide. + + There take your rest within the sunset glow, + All feuds forgotten of your fighting days, + Circled with love and laurelled with the praise + Of friend and ancient foe. + + O.S. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 14, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 14, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 12536.txt or 12536.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/5/3/12536/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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