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diff --git a/old/12444.txt b/old/12444.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4609244 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12444.txt @@ -0,0 +1,27728 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook: Toaster's Handbook +by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Toaster's Handbook + Jokes, Stories, and Quotations + +Author: Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers + +Release Date: May 26, 2004 [EBook #12444] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK: TOASTER'S HANDBOOK *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Shell, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +[Transcriber's Note: the Contents and Index were added to this e-book +by the transcriber] + + + + +TOASTER'S HANDBOOK + +JOKES, STORIES, AND +QUOTATIONS + +Compiled by + +PEGGY EDMUND + +and + +HAROLD WORKMAN WILLIAMS + +Introductions by + +MARY KATHARINE REELY + +1916 + + + + +CONTENTS + + PREFACE + + ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR + + TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS + + TOASTER'S HANDBOOK + + INDEX + + + + +PREFACE + +Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected to +respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by occasion. All ideas he +may ever have had on the subject melt away and like a drowning man he +clutches furiously at the nearest solid object. This book is intended +for such rescue purpose, buoyant and trustworthy but, it is to be hoped, +not heavy. + +Let the frightened toaster turn first to the key word of his topic in +this dictionary alphabet of selections and perchance he may find toast, +story, definition or verse that may felicitously introduce his remarks. +Then as he proceeds to outline his talk and to put it into sentences, he +may find under one of the many subject headings a bit which will happily +and scintillatingly drive home the ideas he is unfolding. + +While the larger part of the contents is humorous, there are inserted +many quotations of a serious nature which may serve as appropriate +literary ballast. + +The jokes and quotes gathered for the toaster have been placed under the +subject headings where it seemed that they might be most useful, even at +the risk of the joke turning on the compilers. To extend the usefulness +of such pseudo-cataloging, cross references, similar and dissimilar to +those of a library card catalog, have been included. + +Should a large number of the inclusions look familiar, let us remark +that the friends one likes best are those who have been already tried +and trusted and are the most welcome in times of need. However, there +are stories of a rising generation, whose acquaintance all may enjoy. + +Nearly all these new and old friends have before this made their bow in +print and since it rarely was certain where they first appeared, little +attempt has been made to credit any source for them. The compilers +hereby make a sweeping acknowledgment to the "funny editors" of many +books and periodicals. + + + + +ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR + + +"Man," says Hazlitt, "is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he +is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what +things are and what they ought to be." The sources, then, of laughter +and tears come very close together. At the difference between things as +they are and as they ought to be we laugh, or we weep; it would depend, +it seems, on the point of view, or the temperament. And if, as Horace +Walpole once said, "Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to +those who feel," it is the thinking half of humanity that, at the sight +of life's incongruities, is moved to laughter, the feeling half to +tears. A sense of humor, then, is the possession of the thinking half, +and the humorists must be classified at once with the thinkers. + +If one were asked to go further than this and to give offhand a +definition of humor, or of that elusive quality, a sense of humor, he +might find himself confronted with a difficulty. Yet certain things +about it would be patent at the outset: Women haven't it; Englishmen +haven't it; it is the chiefest of the virtues, for tho a man speak with +the tongues of men and of angels, if he have not humor we will have none +of him. Women may continue to laugh over those innocent and innocuous +incidents which they find amusing; may continue to write the most +delightful of stories and essays--consider Jane Austen and our own Miss +Repplier--over which appreciative readers may continue to chuckle; +Englishmen may continue, as in the past to produce the most exquisite of +the world's humorous literature--think of Charles Lamb--yet the +fundamental faith of mankind will remain unshaken: women have no sense +of humor, and an Englishman cannot see a joke! And the ability to "see a +joke" is the infallible American test of the sense of humor. + +But taking the matter seriously, how would one define humor? When in +doubt, consult the dictionary, is, as always, an excellent motto, and, +following it, we find that our trustworthy friend, Noah Webster, does +not fail us. Here is his definition of humor, ready to hand: humor is +"the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating +ludicrous or absurdly incongruous elements in ideas, situations, +happenings, or acts," with the added information that it is +distinguished from wit as "less purely intellectual and having more +kindly sympathy with human nature, and as often blended with pathos." A +friendly rival in lexicography defines the same prized human attribute +more lightly as "a facetious turn of thought," or more specifically in +literature, as "a sportive exercise of the imagination that is apparent +in the choice and treatment of an idea or theme." Isn't there something +about that word "sportive," on the lips of so learned an authority, +that tickles the fancy--appeals to the sense of humor? + +Yet if we peruse the dictionary further, especially if we approach that +monument to English scholarship, the great Murray, we shall find that +the problem of defining humor is not so simple as it might seem; for the +word that we use so glibly, with so sure a confidence in its stability, +has had a long and varied history and has answered to many aliases. When +Shakespeare called a man "humorous" he meant that he was changeable and +capricious, not that he was given to a facetious turn of thought or to a +"sportive" exercise of the imagination. When he talks in "The Taming of +the Shrew" of "her mad and head-strong humor" he doesn't mean to imply +that Kate is a practical joker. It is interesting to note in passing +that the old meaning of the word still lingers in the verb "to humor." A +woman still humors her spoiled child and her cantankerous husband when +she yields to their capriciousness. By going hack a step further in +history, to the late fourteenth century, we met Chaucer's physician who +knew "the cause of everye maladye, and where engendered and of what +humour" and find that Chaucer is not speaking of a mental state at all, +but is referring to those physiological humours of which, according to +Hippocrates, the human body contained four: blood, phlegm, bile, and +black bile, and by which the disposition was determined. We find, too, +that at one time a "humour" meant any animal or plant fluid, and again +any kind of moisture. "The skie hangs full of humour, and I think we +shall haue raine," ran an ancient weather prophet's prediction. Which +might give rise to some thoughts on the paradoxical subject of _dry_ +humor. + +Now in part this development is easily traced. Humor, meaning moisture +of any kind, came to have a biological significance and was applied only +to plant and animal life. It was restricted later within purely +physiological boundaries and was applied only to those "humours" of the +human body that controlled temperament. From these fluids, determining +mental states, the word took on a psychological coloring, but--by what +process of evolution did humor reach its present status! After all, the +scientific method has its weaknesses! + +We can, if we wish, define humor in terms of what it is not. We can draw +lines around it and distinguish it from its next of kin, wit. This +indeed has been a favorite pastime with the jugglers of words in all +ages. And many have been the attempts to define humor, to define wit, to +describe and differentiate them, to build high fences to keep them +apart. + +"Wit is abrupt, darting, scornful; it tosses its analogies in your face; +humor is slow and shy, insinuating its fun into your heart," says E. P. +Whipple. "Wit is intellectual, humor is emotional; wit is perception of +resemblance, humor of contrast--of contrast between ideal and fact, +theory and practice, promise and performance," writes another authority. +While yet another points out that "Humor is feeling--feelings can always +bear repetition, while wit, being intellectual, suffers by repetition." +The truth of this is evident when we remember that we repeat a witty +saying that we may enjoy the effect on others, while we retell a +humorous story largely for our own enjoyment of it. + +Yet it is quite possible that humor ought not to be defined. It may be +one of those intangible substances, like love and beauty, that are +indefinable. It is quite probable that humor should not be explained. It +would be distressing, as some one pointed out, to discover that American +humor is based on American dyspepsia. Yet the philosophers themselves +have endeavored to explain it. Hazlitt held that to understand the +ludicrous, we must first know what the serious is. And to apprehend the +serious, what better course could be followed than to contemplate the +serious--yes and ludicrous--findings of the philosophers in their +attempts to define humor and to explain laughter. Consider Hobbes: "The +passion of laughter is nothing else but sudden glory arising from the +sudden conception of eminency in ourselves by comparison with the +inferiority of others, or with our own formerly." According to Professor +Bain, "Laughter results from the degradation of some person or interest +possessing dignity in circumstances that excite no other strong +emotion." Even Kant, desisting for a time from his contemplation of Pure +Reason, gave his attention to the human phenomenon of laughter and +explained it away as "the result of an expectation which of a sudden +ends in nothing." Some modern cynic has compiled a list of the +situations on the stage which are always "humorous." One of them, I +recall, is the situation in which the clown-acrobat, having made mighty +preparations for jumping over a pile of chairs, suddenly changes his +mind and walks off without attempting it. The laughter that invariably +greets this "funny" maneuver would seem to have philosophical sanction. +Bergson, too, the philosopher of creative evolution, has considered +laughter to the extent of an entire volume. A reading of it leaves one a +little disturbed. Laughter, so we learn, is not the merry-hearted, +jovial companion we had thought him. Laughter is a stern mentor, +characterized by "an absence of feeling." "Laughter," says M. Bergson, +"is above all a corrective, it must make a painful impression on the +person against whom it is directed. By laughter society avenges itself +for the liberties taken with it. It would fail in its object if it bore +the stamp of sympathy or kindness." If this be laughter, grant us +occasionally the saving grace of tears, which may be tears of sympathy, +and, therefore, kind! + +But, after all, since it is true that "one touch of humor makes the +whole world grin," what difference does it make what that humor is; what +difference why or wherefore we laugh, since somehow or other, in a sorry +world, we do laugh? + +Of the test for a sense of humor, it has already been said that it is +the ability to see a joke. And, as for a joke, the dictionary, again a +present help in time of trouble, tells us at once that it is, "something +said or done for the purpose of exciting a laugh." But stay! Suppose it +does not excite the laugh expected? What of the joke that misses fire? +Shall a joke be judged by its intent or by its consequences? Is a joke +that does not produce a laugh a joke at all? Pragmatically considered it +is not. Agnes Repplier, writing on Humor, speaks of "those beloved +writers whom we hold to be humorists because they have made us laugh." +We hold them to be so--but there seems to be a suggestion that we may be +wrong. Is it possible that the laugh is not the test of the joke? Here +is a question over which the philosophers may wrangle. Is there an +Absolute in the realm of humor, or must our jokes be judged solely by +the pragmatic test? Congreve once told Colly Gibber that there were many +witty speeches in one of Colly's plays, and many that looked witty, yet +were not really what they seemed at first sight! So a joke is not to be +recognized even by its appearance or by the company it keeps. Perhaps +there might be established a test of good usage. A joke would be that at +which the best people laugh. + +Somebody--was it Mark Twain?--once said that there are eleven original +jokes in the world--that these were known in prehistoric times, and that +all jokes since have been but modifications and adaptations from the +originals. Miss Repplier, however, gives to modern times the credit for +some inventiveness. Christianity, she says, must be thanked for such +contributions as the missionary and cannibal joke, and for the +interminable variations of St. Peter at the gate. Max Beerbohm once +codified all the English comic papers and found that the following list +comprised all the subjects discussed: Mothers-in-law; Hen-pecked +husbands; Twins; Old maids; Jews; Frenchmen and Germans; Italians and +Niggers; Fatness; Thinness; Long hair (in men); Baldness; Sea sickness; +Stuttering; Bloomers; Bad cheese; Red noses. A like examination of +American newspapers would perhaps result in a slightly different list. +We have, of course, our purely local jokes. Boston will always be a joke +to Chicago, the east to the west. The city girl in the country offers a +perennial source of amusement, as does the country man in the city. And +the foreigner we have always with us, to mix his Y's and J's, distort +his H's, and play havoc with the Anglo-Saxon Th. Indeed our great +American sense of humor has been explained as an outgrowth from the vast +field of incongruities offered by a developing civilization. + +It may be that this vaunted national sense has been +over-estimated--exaggeration is a characteristic of that humor, +anyway--but at least it has one of the Christian virtues--it suffereth +long and is kind. Miss Repplier says that it is because we are a +"humorous rather than a witty people that we laugh for the most part +with, and not at our fellow creatures." This, I think, is something that +our fellow creatures from other lands do not always comprehend. I +listened once to a distinguished Frenchman as he addressed the students +in a western university chapel. He was evidently astounded and +embarrassed by the outbursts of laughter that greeted his mildly +humorous remarks. He even stopped to apologize for the deficiencies of +his English, deeming them the cause, and was further mystified by the +little ripple of laughter that met his explanation--a ripple that came +from the hearts of the good-natured students, who meant only to be +appreciative and kind. Foreigners, too, unacquainted with American slang +often find themselves precipitating a laugh for which they are +unprepared. For a bit of current slang, however and whenever used, is +always humorous. + +The American is not only a humorous person, he is a practical person. So +it is only natural that the American humor should be put to practical +uses. It was once said that the difference between a man with tact and a +man without was that the man with tact, in trying to put a bit in a +horse's mouth, would first tell him a funny story, while the man without +tact would get an axe. This use of the funny story is the American way +of adapting it to practical ends. A collection of funny stories used to +be an important part of a drummer's stock in trade. It is by means of +the "good story" that the politician makes his way into office; the +business man paves the way for a big deal; the after-dinner speaker gets +a hearing; the hostess saves her guests from boredom. Such a large place +does the "story" hold in our national life that we have invented a +social pastime that might be termed a "joke match." "Don't tell a funny +story, even if you know one," was the advice of the Atchison Globe man, +"its narration will only remind your hearers of a bad one." True as this +may be, we still persist in telling our funny story. Our hearers are +reminded of another, good or bad, which again reminds us--and so on. + +A sense of humor, as was intimated before, is the chiefest of the +virtues. It is more than this--it is one of the essentials to success. +For, as has also been pointed out, we, being a practical people, put our +humor to practical uses. It is held up as one of the prerequisites for +entrance to any profession. "A lawyer," says a member of that order, +must have such and such mental and moral qualities; "but before all +else"--and this impressively--"he must possess a sense of humor." Samuel +McChord Crothers says that were he on the examining board for the +granting of certificates to prospective teachers, he would place a copy +of Lamb's essay on Schoolmasters in the hands of each, and if the light +of humorous appreciation failed to dawn as the reading progressed, the +certificate would be withheld. For, before all else, a teacher must +possess a sense of humor! If it be true, then, that the sense of humor +is so important in determining the choice of a profession, how wise are +those writers who hold it an essential for entrance into that most +exacting of professions--matrimony! "Incompatibility in humor," George +Eliot held to be the "most serious cause of diversion." And Stevenson, +always wise, insists that husband and wife must he able to laugh over +the same jokes--have between them many a "grouse in the gun-room" story. +But there must always be exceptions if the spice of life is to be +preserved, and I recall one couple of my acquaintance, devoted and loyal +in spite of this very incompatibility. A man with a highly whimsical +sense of humor had married a woman with none. Yet he told his best +stories with an eye to their effect on her, and when her response came, +peaceful and placid and non-comprehending, he would look about the table +with delight, as much as to say, "Isn't she a wonder? Do you know her +equal?" + +Humor may be the greatest of the virtues, yet it is the one of whose +possession we may boast with impunity. "Well, that was too much for my +sense of humor," we say. Or, "You know my sense of humor was always my +strong point." Imagine thus boasting of one's integrity, or sense of +honor! And so is its lack the one vice of which one may not permit +himself to be a trifle proud. "I admit that I have a hot temper," and "I +know I'm extravagant," are simple enough admissions. But did any one +ever openly make the confession, "I know I am lacking in a sense of +humor!" However, to recognize the lack one would first have to possess +the sense--which is manifestly impossible. + +"To explain the nature of laughter and tears is to account for the +condition of human life," says Hazlitt, and no philosophy has as yet +succeeded in accounting for the condition of human life. "Man is a +laughing animal," wrote Meredith, "and at the end of infinite search the +philosopher finds himself clinging to laughter as the best of human +fruit, purely human, and sane, and comforting." So whether it be the +corrective laughter of Bergson, Jove laughing at lovers' vows, Love +laughing at locksmiths, or the cheerful laughter of the fool that was +like the crackling of thorns to Koheleth, the preacher, we recognize +that it is good; that without this saving grace of humor life would be +an empty vaunt. I like to recall that ancient usage: "The skie hangs +full of humour, and I think we shall haue raine." Blessed humor, no less +refreshing today than was the humour of old to a parched and thirsty +earth. + + + + +TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS + + +Before making any specific suggestions to the prospective toaster or +toastmaster, let us advise that he consider well the nature and spirit +of the occasion which calls for speeches. The toast, after-dinner talk, +or address is always given under conditions that require abounding good +humor, and the desire to make everybody pleased and comfortable as well +as to furnish entertainment should be uppermost. + +Perhaps a consideration of the ancient custom that gave rise to the +modern toast will help us to understand the spirit in which a toast +should be given. It originated with the pagan custom of drinking to gods +and the dead, which in Christian nations was modified, with the +accompanying idea of a wish for health and happiness added. In England +during the sixteenth century it was customary to put a "toast" in the +drink, which was usually served hot. This toast was the ordinary piece +of bread scorched on both sides. Shakespeare in "The Merry Wives of +Windsor" has Falstaff say, "Fetch me a quart of sack and put a toast +in't." Later the term came to be applied to the lady in whose honor the +company drank, her name serving to flavor the bumper as the toast +flavored the drink. It was in this way that the act of drinking or of +proposing a health, or the mere act of expressing good wishes or +fellowship at table came to be known as toasting. + +Since an occasion, then, at which toasts are in order is one intended to +promote good feeling, it should afford no opportunity for the +exploitation of any personal or selfish interest or for anything +controversial, or antagonistic to any of the company present. The effort +of the toastmaster should be to promote the best of feeling among all +and especially between speakers. And speakers should cooperate with the +toastmaster and with each other to that end. The introductions of the +toastmaster may, of course, contain some good-natured bantering, +together with compliment, but always without sting. Those taking part +may "get back" at the toastmaster, but always in a manner to leave no +hard feeling anywhere. The toastmaster should strive to make his +speakers feel at ease, to give them good standing with their hearers +without overpraising them and making it hard to live up to what is +expected of them. In short, let everybody boost good naturedly for +everybody else. + +The toastmaster, and for that matter everyone taking part, should be +carefully prepared. It may be safely said that those who are successful +after-dinner speakers have learned the need of careful forethought. A +practised speaker may appear to speak extemporaneously by putting +together on one occasion thoughts and expressions previously prepared +for other occasions, but the neophyte may well consider it necessary to +think out carefully the matter of what to say and how to say it. Cicero +said of Antonius, "All his speeches were, _in appearance_, the +unpremeditated effusion of an honest heart; and yet, in reality, they +were _preconceived with so much skill_ that the judges were not so well +prepared as they should have been to withstand the force of them!" + +After considering the nature of the occasion and getting himself in +harmony with it, the speaker should next consider the relation of his +particular subject to the occasion and to the subjects of the other +speakers. He should be careful to hold closely to the subject allotted +to him so that he will not encroach upon the ground of other speakers. +He should be careful, too, not to appropriate to himself any of their +time. And he should consider, without vanity and without humility, his +own relative importance and govern himself accordingly. We have all had +the painful experience of waiting in impatience for the speech of the +evening to begin while some humble citizen made "a few introductory +remarks." + +In planning his speech and in getting it into finished form, the toaster +will do well to remember those three essentials to all good composition +with which he struggled in school and college days, Unity, Mass and +Coherence. The first means that his talk must have a central thought, on +which all his stories, anecdotes and jokes will have a bearing; the +second that there will be a proper balance between the parts, that it +will not be all introduction and conclusion; the third, that it will +hang together, without awkward transitions. A toast may consist, as +Lowell said, of "a platitude, a quotation and an anecdote," but the +toaster must exercise his ingenuity in putting these together. + +In delivering the toast, the speaker must of course be natural. The +after-dinner speech calls for a conversational tone, not for oratory of +voice or manner. Something of an air of detachment on the part of the +speaker is advisable. The humorist who can tell a story with a straight +face adds to the humorous effect. + +A word might be said to those who plan the program. In the number of +speakers it is better to err in having too few than too many. Especially +is this true if there is one distinguished person who is _the_ speaker +of the occasion. In such a case the number of lesser lights may well be +limited to two or three. The placing of the guest of honor on the +program is a matter of importance. Logically he would be expected to +come last, as the crowning feature. But if the occasion is a large +semi-public affair--a political gathering, for example--where strict +etiquet does not require that all remain thru the entire program, there +will always be those who will leave early, thus missing the best part of +the entertainment. In this case some shifting of speakers, even at the +risk of an anti-climax, would be advisable. On ordinary occasions, where +the speakers are of much the same rank, order will be determined mainly +by subject. And if the topics for discussion are directly related, if +they are all component parts of a general subject, so much the better. + +Now we are going to add a special paragraph for the absolutely +inexperienced person--who has never given, or heard anyone else give, a +toast. It would seem hardly possible in this day of banquets to find an +individual who has missed these occasions entirely--but he is to be +found. Especially is this true in a world where toasting and +after-dinner speaking are coming to be more and more in demand at social +functions--the college world. Here the young man or woman, coming from a +country town where the formal banquet is unknown, who has never heard an +after-dinner speech, may be confronted with the necessity of responding +to a toast on, say "Needles and Pins." Such a one would like to be told +first of all what an after-dinner speech is. It is only a short, +informal talk, usually witty, at any rate kindly, with one central idea +and a certain amount of illustrative material in the way of anecdotes, +quotations and stories. The best advice to such a speaker is: Make your +first effort simple. Don't be over ambitious. If, as was suggested in +the example cited a moment ago, the subject is fanciful--as it is very +apt to be at a college banquet--any interpretation you choose to put +upon it is allowable. If the interpretation is ingenious, your case is +already half won. Such a subject is in effect a challenge. "Now, let's +see what you can make of this," is what it implies. First get an idea; +then find something in the way of illustrative material. Speak simply +and naturally and sit down and watch how the others do it. Of course the +subject on such occasions is often of a more serious nature--Our Class; +The Team; Our President--in which case a more serious treatment is +called for, with a touch of honest pride and sentiment. + +To sum up what has been said, with borrowings from what others have said +on the subject, the following general rules have been formulated: + +_Prepare carefully_. Self-confidence is a valuable possession, but +beware of being too sure of yourself. Pride goes before a fall, and +overconfidence in his ability to improvise has been the downfall of many +a would-be speaker. The speaker should strive to give the effect of +spontaneity, but this can be done only with practice. The toast calls +for the art that conceals art. + +_Let your speech have unity_. As some one has pointed out, the +after-dinner speech is a distinct form of expression, just as is the +short story. As such it should give a unity of impression. It bears +something of the same relation to the oration that the short story does +to the novel. + +_Let it have continuity_. James Bryce says: "There is a tendency today +to make after-dinner speaking a mere string of anecdotes, most of which +may have little to do with the subject or with one another. Even the +best stories lose their charm when they are dragged in by the head and +shoulders, having no connection with the allotted theme. Relevance as +well as brevity is the soul of wit." + +_Do not grow emotional or sentimental_. American traditions are largely +borrowed from England. We have the Anglo-Saxon reticence. A parade of +emotion in public embarrasses us. A simple and sincere expression of +feeling is often desirable in a toast--but don't overdo it. + +_Avoid trite sayings_. Don't use quotations that are shopworn, and avoid +the set forms for toasts--"Our sweethearts and wives--may they never +meet," etc. + +_Don't apologise_. Don't say that you are not prepared; that you speak +on very short notice; that you are "no orator as Brutus is." Resolve to +do your best and let your effort speak for itself. + +_Avoid irony and satire_. It has already been said that occasions on +which toasts are given call for friendliness and good humor. Yet the +temptation to use irony and satire may be strong. Especially may this be +true at political gatherings where there is a chance to grow witty at +the expense of rivals. Irony and satire are keen-edged tools; they have +their uses; but they are dangerous. Pope, who knew how to use them, +said: + + Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet + To run amuck and tilt at all I meet. + +_Use personal references sparingly_. A certain amount of good-natured +chaffing may be indulged in. Yet there may be danger in even the most +kindly of fun. One never knows how a jest will be taken. Once in the +early part of his career, Mark Twain, at a New England banquet, grew +funny at the expense of Longfellow and Emerson, then in their old age +and looked upon almost as divinities. His joke fell dead, and to the end +of his life he suffered humiliation at the recollection. + +_Be clear_. While you must not draw an obvious moral or explain the +point to your jokes, be sure that the point is there and that it is put +in such a way that your hearers cannot miss it. Avoid flights of +rhetoric and do not lose your anecdotes in a sea of words. + +_Avoid didacticism_. Do not try to instruct. Do not give statistics and +figures. They will not be remembered. A historical resume of your +subject from the beginning of time is not called for; neither are +well-known facts about the greatness of your city or state or the +prominent person in whose honor you may be speaking. Do not tell your +hearers things they already know. + +_Be brief_. An after-dinner audience is in a particularly defenceless +position. It is so out in the open. There is no opportunity for a quiet +nod or two behind a newspaper or the hat of the lady in front. If you +bore your hearers by overstepping your time politeness requires that +they sit still and look pleased. Spare them. Remember Bacon's advice to +the speaker: "Let him be sure to leave other men their turns to speak." +But suppose you come late on the program! Suppose the other speakers +have not heeded Bacon? What are you going to do about it? Here is a +story that James Bryce tells of the most successful after-dinner speech +he remembers to have heard. The speaker was a famous engineer, the +occasion a dinner of the British Association for the Advancement of +Science. "He came last; and midnight had arrived. His toast was Applied +Science, and his speech was as follows: 'Ladies and gentlemen, at this +late hour I advise you to illustrate the Applications of Science by +applying a lucifer match to the wick of your bedroom candle. Let us all +go to bed'." + +If you are capable of making a similar sacrifice by cutting short your +own carefully-prepared, wise, witty and sparkling remarks, your audience +will thank you--and they may ask you to speak again. + + + + +TOASTER'S HANDBOOK + + + + +ABILITY + + +"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't." + +"Well, what is it?" demanded his pa. + +"Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.--_H.E. Zimmerman_. + + + + +ABOLITION + + +He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he +sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and +began a conversation. + +"Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to +pick their cotton this season?" he inquired. + +"Don't believe I have," answered the other. + +"Well, they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do the picking," +rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn readily. They are thorough +workers, and obviously they will save their employers a small fortune +otherwise expended in wages." + +"Yes," ejaculated the native, "and about the time this monkey brigade is +beginning to work smoothly, a lot of you fool northerners will come +tearing down here and set 'em free." + + + + +ABSENT-MINDEDNESS + + +SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living." + +HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb." + + + + +ACCIDENTS + + +The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge, +was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted +with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a +woman going in the opposite direction. In seeking to avoid each other, +both slipped and they came down in a heap. The polite doctor was +overwhelmed and his embarrassment paralyzed his speech, but the woman +was equal to the occasion. + +"Doctor, if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out your legs, I +will take what remains," she said cheerfully. + + +"Help! Help!" cried an Italian laborer near the mud flats of the Harlem +river. + +"What's the matter there?" came a voice from the construction shanty. + +"Queek! Bringa da shov'! Bringa da peek! Giovanni's stuck in da mud." + +"How far in?" + +"Up to hees knees." + +"Oh, let him walk out." + +"No, no! He no canna walk! He wronga end up!" + + + There once was a lady from Guam, + Who said, "Now the sea is so calm + I will swim, for a lark"; + But she met with a shark. + Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm. + + +BRICKLAYER (to mate, who had just had a hodful of bricks fall on his +feet)--"Dropt 'em on yer toe! That's nothin'. Why, I seen a bloke get +killed stone dead, an' 'e never made such a bloomin' fuss as you're +doin'." + + +A preacher had ordered a load of hay from one of his parishioners. About +noon, the parishioner's little son came to the house crying lustily. On +being asked what the matter was, he said that the load of hay had tipped +over in the street. The preacher, a kindly man, assured the little +fellow that it was nothing serious, and asked him in to dinner. + +"Pa wouldn't like it," said the boy. + +But the preacher assured him that he would fix it all right with his +father, and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay. After +dinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had stayed. + +"Pa won't like it," he persisted. + +The preacher, unable to understand, asked the boy what made him think +his father would object. + +"Why, you see, pa's under the hay," explained the boy. + + + There was an old Miss from Antrim, + Who looked for the leak with a glim. + Alack and alas! + The cause was the gas. + We will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn. + + --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. + + + There was a young lady named Hannah, + Who slipped on a peel of banana. + More stars she espied + As she lay on her side + Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner. + + A gentleman sprang to assist her; + He picked up her glove and her wrister; + "Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried; + "Did you think," she replied, + "I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?" + + + At first laying down, as a fact fundamental, + That nothing with God can be accidental. + + --_Longfellow_. + + + + +ACTING + + +Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of +his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Colonel +Carter_. On one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town, and +remembered an old negro and his wife, who had been body servants in his +father's household, with a couple of seats in the theatre. As it +happened, he was playing the part of the villain, and was largely +concerned with treasons, stratagems and spoils. From time to time he +caught a glimpse of the ancient couple in the gallery, and judged from +their fearsome countenance and popping eyes that they were being duly +impressed. + +After the play he asked them to come and see him behind the scenes. They +sat together for a while in solemn silence, and then the mammy +resolutely nudged her husband. The old man gathered himself together +with an effort, and said: "Marse Cha'les, mebbe it ain' for us po' +niggers to teach ouh young masser 'portment. But we jes' got to tell yo' +dat, in all de time we b'long to de fambly, none o' ouh folks ain' neveh +befo' mix up in sechlike dealin's, an' we hope, Marse Cha'les, dat yo' +see de erroh of yo' ways befo' yo' done sho' nuff disgrace us." + + +In a North of England town recently a company of local amateurs produced +Hamlet, and the following account of the proceedings appeared in the +local paper next morning: + +"Last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gathered to +witness a performance of _Hamlet_ at the Town Hall. There has been +considerable discussion in the press as to whether the play was written +by Shakespeare or Bacon. All doubt can be now set at rest. Let their +graves be opened; the one who turned over last night is the author." + + +Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this special +observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature.--_Shakespeare_. + + + To wake the soul by tender strokes of art, + To raise the genius, and to mend the heart; + To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold, + Live o'er each scene, and be what they behold-- + For this the tragic muse first trod the stage. + + --_Pope_. + + + + +ACTORS AND ACTRESSES + + +An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small New +England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand waddled to +the middle of the street and began to hiss. + +One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and angrily +exclaimed: + +"Don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions. Wait till you see the +show."--_K.A. Bisbee_. + + +When William H. Crane was younger and less discreet he had a vaunting +ambition to play _Hamlet_. So with his first profits he organized his +own company and he went to an inland western town to give vent to his +ambition and "try it on." + +When he came back to New York a group of friends noticed that the actor +appeared to be much downcast. + +"What's the matter, Crane? Didn't they appreciate it?" asked one of his +friends. + +"They didn't seem to," laconically answered the actor. + +"Well, didn't they give any encouragement? Didn't they ask you to come +before the curtain?" persisted the friend. + +"Ask me?" answered Crane. "Man, they dared me!" + + +LEADING MAN IN TRAVELING COMPANY--"We play _Hamlet_ to-night, laddie, do +we not?" + +SUB-MANAGER--"Yes, Mr. Montgomery." + +LEADING MAN--"Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence!" + +SUB-MANAGER--"Why?" + +LEADING MAN--"I have four days' growth upon my chin. One cannot play +_Hamlet_ in a beard!" + +SUB-MANAGER--"Um--well--we'll put on Macbeth!" + + +HE--"But what reason have you for refusing to marry me?" + +SHE--"Papa objects. He says you are an actor." + +HE-"Give my regards to the old boy and tell him I'm sorry he isn't a +newspaper critic." + + +The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the villain, +had died to slow music. + +The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain. + +He refused to appear. + +But the audience still insisted. + +Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front. + +"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, but he +says he's dead, an' he's goin to stay dead." + + +Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske, the actress, was having her hair dressed by a +young woman at her home. The actress was very tired and quiet, but a +chance remark from the dresser made her open her eyes and sit up. + +"I should have went on the stage," said the young woman complacently. + +"But," returned Mrs. Fiske, "look at me--think how I have had to work +and study to gain what success I have, and win such fame as is now +mine!" + +"Oh, yes," replied the young woman calmly; "but then I have talent." + + +Orlando Day, a fourth-rate actor in London, was once called, in a sudden +emergency, to supply the place of Allen Ainsworth at the Criterion +Theatre for a single night. + +The call filled him with joy. Here was a chance to show the public how +great a histrionic genius had remained unknown for lack of an +opportunity. But his joy was suddenly dampened by the dreadful thought +that, as the play was already in the midst of its run, none of the +dramatic critics might be there to watch his triumph. + +A bright thought struck him. He would announce the event. Rushing to a +telegraph office, he sent to one of the leading critics the following +telegram: "Orlando Day presents Allen Ainsworth's part to-night at the +Criterion." + +Then it occurred to him, "Why not tell them all?" So he repeated the +message to a dozen or more important persons. + +At a late hour of the same day, in the Garrick Club, a lounging +gentleman produced one of the telegrams, and read it to a group of +friends. A chorus of exclamations followed the reading: "Why, I got +precisely the same message!" "And so did I." "And I, too." "Who is +Orlando Day?" "What beastly cheek!" "Did the ass fancy that one would +pay any attention to his wire?" + +J. M. Barrie, the famous author and playwright, who was present, was the +only one who said nothing. + +"Didn't he wire you too?" asked one of the group. + +"Oh, yes." + +"But of course you didn't answer." + +"Oh, but it was only polite to send an answer after he had taken the +trouble to wire me. So, of course, I answered him." + +"You did! What did you say?" + +"Oh, I just telegraphed him: 'Thanks for timely warning.'" + + + Twinkle, twinkle, lovely star! + How I wonder if you are + When at home the tender age + You appear when on the stage. + + --_Mary A. Fairchild_. + + +Recipe for an actor: + + To one slice of ham add assortment of roles. + Steep the head in mash notes till it swells, + Garnish with onions, tomatoes and beets, + Or with eggs--from afar--in the shells. + + --_Life_. + + +Recipe for an ingenue: + + A pound and three-quarters of kitten, + Three ounces of flounces and sighs; + Add wiggles and giggles and gurgles, + And ringlets and dimples and eyes. + + --_Life_. + + + + +ADAPTATION + + +"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims that a +hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen eggs, +seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur. + +"He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof of nature's +adaptation of all animals to their environment, the seventeen eggs +having been of the cold-storage variety." + + + + +ADDRESSES + + +In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother, +that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, 'Send it up +C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?" + + +An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic +Harrison's _George Washington and other American Addresses_. In a little +while he brought back the book to the librarian and said: + +"This book does not give me what I require; I want to find out the +addresses of several American magnates; I know where George Washington +has gone to, for he never told a lie." + + + + +ADVERTISING + + +Not long ago a patron of a cafe in Chicago summoned his waiter and +delivered himself as follows: + +"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its +size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size +of this." + +"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter. + +"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window." + +"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. We always +serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertisement +for the place." + + +"Advertising costs me a lot of money." + +"Why I never saw your goods advertised." + +"They aren't. But my wife reads other people's ads." + + +When Mark Twain, in his early days, was editor of a Missouri paper, a +superstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had found a spider +in his paper, and asking him whether that was a sign of good luck or +bad. The humorist wrote him this answer and printed it: + +"Old subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good luck +nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper to +see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store, +spin his web across the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever +afterward." + + +"Good Heavens, man! I saw your obituary in this morning's paper!" + +"Yes, I know. I put it in myself. My opera is to be produced to-night, +and I want good notices from the critics."--_C. Hilton Turvey_. + + +Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day and +decided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling along he +heard a piano, and, following the sound, came to a house on which was a +sign reading: + +"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour." + +Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of +Chopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well. + +Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came to the +door and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him in and he +sat down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can, afterward +spending an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones thanked him and +he departed. + +Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took the same +walk. + +He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the sign, he +read: + +"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $1.00 an hour. (Pupil of Paderewski.)" + + +Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New York, +Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be passing Daly's +Theatre, and paused to look at the pictures of Hitchcock and his company +that adorned the entrance. Near the pictures was a billboard covered +with laudatory extracts from newspaper criticisms of the show. + +When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned to an +unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the corner of his +eye. + +"Say, have you seen this show?" he asked. + +"Sure," replied the young man. + +"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?" + +"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why, say, he's the best +in the business. He's got all these other would-be side-ticklers lashed +to the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so much at any one in all my +life." + +"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully. + +"As good as Foy!" The young man's scorn was superb. "Why, this Hitchcock +has got that Foy person looking like a gloom. They're not in the same +class. Hitchcock's funny. A man with feelings can't compare them. I'm +sorry you asked me, I feel so strongly about it." + +Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in the hollow tones of a +tragedian, he said: + +"I am Foy." + +"I know you are," said the young man cheerfully. "I'm Hitchcock!" + + +Advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. First of all, as they are +instruments of ambition. A man that is by no means big enough for the +Gazette, may easily creep into the advertisements; by which means we +often see an apothecary in the same paper of news with a +plenipotentiary, or a running footman with an ambassador.--_Addison_. + + +_See also_ Salesmen and Salesmanship. + + + + +ADVICE + + +Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials of +a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in spending +money provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the Queen reminding her +of his approaching birthday and delicately suggesting that money would +be the most acceptable gift. In her own hand she answered, sternly +reproving the youth for the sin of extravagance and urging upon him the +practise of economy. His reply staggered her: + +"Dear Grandma," it ran, "thank you for your kind letter of advice. I +have sold the same for five pounds." + + +Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it.--_Publius Syrus_. + + + + +AERONAUTICS + + + A flea and a fly in a flue, + Were imprisoned; now what could they do? + Said the fly, "let us flee." + "Let us fly," said the flea, + And they flew through a flaw in the flue. + + +The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to be +aeroneous.--_La Touche Hancock_. + + + + +AEROPLANES + + + "Mother, may I go aeroplane?" + "Yes, my darling Mary. + Tie yourself to an anchor chain + And don't go near the airy." + + --_Judge_. + + +Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a dinner +in New York, and on the occasion his eloquent reply to a toast on +aviation terminated neatly with these words: + +"The aeroplane has come at last, but it was a long time coming. We can +imagine Necessity, the mother of invention, looking up at a sky all +criss-crossed with flying machines, and then saying, with a shake of her +old head and with a contented smile: + +"'Of all my family, the aeroplane has been the hardest to raise.'" + + + A genius who once did aspire + To invent an aerial flyer, + When asked, "Does it go?" + Replied, "I don't know; + I'm awaiting some damphule to try 'er." + + + + +AFTER DINNER SPEECHES + + +A Frenchman once remarked: + +"The table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour." + + + Every rose has its thorn + There's fuzz on all the peaches. + There never was a dinner yet + Without some lengthy speeches. + + +Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important +city. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor +leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, "Shall we let the +people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your +speech now?" + + +"Friend," said one immigrant to another, "this is a grand country to +settle in. They don't hang you here for murder." + +"What do they do to you?" the other immigrant asked. + +"They kill you," was the reply, "with elocution." + + +When Daniel got into the lions' den and looked around he thought to +himself, "Whoever's got to do the after-dinner speaking, it won't be +me." + + +Joseph H. Choate and Chauncey Depew were invited to a dinner. Mr. Choate +was to speak, and it fell to the lot of Mr. Depew to introduce him, +which he did thus: "Gentlemen, permit me to introduce Ambassador Choate, +America's most inveterate after-dinner speaker. All you need to do to +get a speech out of Mr. Choate is to open his mouth, drop in a dinner +and up comes your speech." + +Mr. Choate thanked the Senator for his compliment, and then said: "Mr. +Depew says if you open my mouth and drop in a dinner up will come a +speech, but I warn you that if you open your mouths and drop in one of +Senator Depew's speeches up will come your dinners." + + +Mr. John C. Hackett recently told the following story: + +"I was up in Rockland County last summer, and there was a banquet given +at a country hotel. All the farmers were there and all the village +characters. I was asked to make a speech. + +"'Now,' said I, with the usual apologetic manner, 'it is not fair to you +that the toastmaster should ask me to speak. I am notorious as the worst +public speaker in the State of New York. My reputation extends from one +end of the state to the other. I have no rival whatever, when it +comes--' I was interrupted by a lanky, ill-clad individual, who had +stuck too close to the beer pitcher. + +"'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I take 'ception to what this here man says. He +ain't the worst public speaker in the state. I am. You all know it, an' +I want it made a matter of record that I took 'ception.' + +"'Well, my friend,' said I, 'suppose we leave it to the guests. You sit +down while I say my piece, and then I'll sit down and let you give a +demonstration.' The fellow agreed and I went on. I hadn't gone far when +he got up again. + +"''S all right,' said he, 'you win; needn't go no farther!'" + + +Mark Twain and Chauncey M. Depew once went abroad on the same ship. When +the ship was a few days out they were both invited to a dinner. +Speech-making time came. Mark Twain had the first chance. He spoke +twenty minutes and made a great hit. Then it was Mr. Depew's turn. + +"Mr. Toastmaster and Ladies and Gentlemen," said the famous raconteur as +he arose, "Before this dinner Mark Twain and myself made an agreement to +trade speeches. He has just delivered my speech, and I thank you for the +pleasant manner in which you received it. I regret to say that I have +lost the notes of his speech and cannot remember anything he was to +say." + +Then he sat down. There was much laughter. Next day an Englishman who +had been in the party came across Mark Twain in the smoking-room. "Mr +Clemens," he said, "I consider you were much imposed upon last night. I +have always heard that Mr. Depew is a clever man, but, really, that +speech of his you made last night struck me as being the most infernal +rot." + + +_See also_ Orators; Politicians; Public Speakers. + + + + +AGE + + +The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age. + + +"How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller. + +"Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when I'm +on the cars I'm four." + + +"How effusively sweet that Mrs. Blondey is to you, Jonesy," said +Witherell. "What's up? Any tender little romance there?" + +"No, indeed--why, that woman hates me," said Jonesy. + +"She doesn't show it," said Witherell. + +"No; but she knows I know how old she is--we were both born on the same +day," said Jonesy, "and she's afraid I'll tell somebody." + + +As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know how old +they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongs +to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old chap named Joshua +Bolton, who has been with that family and the previous generation for +more years than they can remember. In view, therefore, of his advanced +age, it was with surprise that his employer received one day an +application for a few days off, in order that the old fellow might, as +he put it, "go up to de ole State of Virginny" to see his aunt. + +"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment. + +"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a +hundred an' ten years ole." + +"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?" + +"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up dere +livin' wif her grandmother." + + +When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating class of a large +eastern college for women, he began his remarks with the usual +salutation, "Young ladies of '97." Then in a horrified aside he added, +"That's an awful age for a girl!" + + +THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)--"When a man reaches your +age, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things, expect to live very +much longer, and I--" + +THE NONAGENARIAN--"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my legs than I were +when I started!" + + +A well-meaning Washington florist was the cause of much embarrassment to +a young man who was in love with a rich and beautiful girl. + +It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that the next +day would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked that he would +the next morning send her some roses, one rose for each year. + +That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery of +twenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the order, +and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk: + +"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of my best +customers, so I'll throw in ten more for good measure."--_Edwin Tarrisse_. + + +A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a +suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary +question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which +did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next person. + +The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then, +concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to +the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's +thirty-one!" + + +The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and the +no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, were +together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was then +ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty. + +The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my many +years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious. +I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken little +exercise." + +"It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitchell. "I have +eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used +tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal of +exercise." + +With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and said, +"Well, you will never live to be an old man!"--_Sarah Bache Hodge_. + + +A wise man never puts away childish things.--_Sidney Dark_. + + + To the old, long life and treasure; + To the young, all health and pleasure. + + --_Ben Jonson_. + + +Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a regret.--_Disraeli_. + + +We do not count a man's years, until he has nothing else to +count.--_Emerson_. + + +To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful +than to be forty years old.--_O.W. Holmes_. + + + + +AGENTS + + +"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?" + +"One of the best men in the business."--_Life_. + + + + +AGRICULTURE + + +A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on +the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his +money in town and spends it on the farm. + + +In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the cultivators +of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light rains that during +the growing season fall from time to time, are appreciated to a degree +that is unknown in the east. + +Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was +rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his hired man +came into the house. + +"Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the fruit-man. + +"I don't mind a little dew like this," said the man. "I can work along +just the same." + +"Oh, I'm not talking about that," exclaimed the fruit-man. "The next +time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water on the +land." + + + They used to have a farming rule + Of forty acres and a mule. + Results were won by later men + With forty square feet and a hen. + And nowadays success we see + With forty inches and a bee. + + --_Wasp_. + + +Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of it.--_Charles +Dudley Warner_. + + +When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, are the +founders of human civilization.--_Daniel Webster_. + + + + +ALARM CLOCKS + + +MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. I +was not aslape at all." + + + + +ALERTNESS + + +"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his +political opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence bridegroom I heard +of the other day. You know how bridegrooms starting off on their +honeymoons sometimes forget all about their brides, and buy tickets only +for themselves? That is what happened to the Providence young man. And +when his wife said to him, 'Why, Tom, you bought only one ticket,' he +answered without a moment's hesitation, 'By Jove, you're right, dear! +I'd forgotten myself entirely!'" + + + + +ALIBI + + +A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban +excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle. +While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an +"English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely asked one of the ladies +how the accident had happened. + +"I'm sure I don't know," she replied; "I was asleep when it occurred." + +Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth replied: + +"Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby." + + + + +ALIMONY + + +"What is alimony, ma?" + +"It is a man's cash surrender value."--_Town Topics_ + + +The proof of the wedding is in the alimony. + + + + +ALLOWANCES + + +"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?" + +"I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back." + + + + +ALTERNATIVES + + +_See_ Choices. + + + + +ALTRUISM + + +WILLIE--"Pa!" + +PA--"Yes." + +WILLIE--"Teacher says we're here to help others." + +PA--"Of course we are." + +WILLIE--"Well, what are the others here for?" + + +There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a +trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a rich man's estate. +Permits to fish the stream could now and then be obtained, and the boy +was lucky enough to have a permit. + +One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper suddenly +darted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry of +fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeper +pursued. + +For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and difficult +chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm and +said between pants: + +"Have you a permit to fish on this estate? + +"Yes to be sure," said the boy, quietly. + +"You have? Then show it to me." + +The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned +in perplexity and anger. + +"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked. + +"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have none!" + + + + +AMBITION + + +Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and +that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other +ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade +themselves by laughter?" + +Yes, Herford had an ambition. A whale of an ambition. Some day he hoped +to gratify it. + +The woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in her +long, sad hands, and glowed into Mr. Herford's eyes. "Oh, Mr. Herford," +she said, "Oliver! Tell me about it." + +"I want to throw an egg into an electric fan," said Herford, simply. + + +"Hubby," said the observant wife, "the janitor of these flats is a +bachelor." + +"What of it?" + +"I really think he is becoming interested in our oldest daughter." + +"There you go again with your pipe dreams! Last week it was a duke." + + +The chief end of a man in New York is dissipation; in Boston, +conversation. + + +When you are aspiring to the highest place, it is honorable to reach the +second or even the third rank.--_Cicero_. + + + The man who seeks one thing in life, and but one, + May hope to achieve it before life be done; + But he who seeks all things, wherever he goes, + Only reaps from the hopes which around him he sows + A harvest of barren regrets. + + --_Owen Meredith_ + + + + +AMERICAN GIRL + + + Here's to the dearest + Of all things on earth. + (Dearest precisely-- + And yet of full worth.) + One who lays siege to + Susceptible hearts. + (Pocket-books also-- + That's one of her arts!) + Drink to her, toast her, + Your banner unfurl-- + Here's to the _priceless_ + American Girl! + + --_Walter Pulitzer_. + + + + +AMERICANS + + +Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to +the subject of lynching in the United States. + +It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met +death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Field and +asked: + +"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs?" + +"Yes," replied Field, "hundreds of them." + +"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke in half +a dozen voices at once. + +"Well, the night before I sailed for England," said Field, "I was giving +a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a colored waiter +spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an adjoining table. +The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of her party at once +seized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at a signal from the +injured lady swung him into the air." + +"Horrible!" said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually see +this yourself?" + +"Well, no," admitted Field apologetically. "Just at that moment I +happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in the +blanc mange." + + + You can always tell the English, + You can always tell the Dutch, + You can always tell the Yankees-- + But you can't tell them _much!_ + + + + +AMUSEMENTS + + +A newspaper thus defined amusements: + +The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been +for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the change of +place in holding it, deaths in families, and other amusements. + + + I wish that my room had a floor; + I don't so much care for a door; + But this crawling around + Without touching the ground + Is getting to be quite a bore. + + +I am a great friend to public amusements; for they keep people from +vice.--_Samuel Johnson_. + + + + +ANATOMY + + +TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm in +every battle he fit in!" + +JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?" + +TOMMY--"About forty." + + +They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first +Napoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old one-armed +veteran. + +"How did you lose your arm?" he asked. + +"Sire, at Austerlitz." + +"And were you not decorated?" + +"No, sire." + +"Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier." + +"Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm. What would +your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?" + +"Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the Legion." + +Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off his +other arm. + +There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only question is, +how did he do it? + + + + +ANCESTRY + + +A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his +ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At the +time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks and +affixed his signature with many a curve and flourish. The salesman's +patience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer to recognize him, +he finally observed: + +"You have a fine signature, Mr. So-and-So." + +"Yes," admitted the buyer, "I should have. One of my forefathers signed +the Declaration of Independence." + +"So?" said the caller, with rising inflection. And then he added: + +"Vell, you aind't got nottings on me. One of my forefathers signed the +Ten Commandments." + + +In a speech in the Senate on Hawaiian affairs, Senator Depew of New York +told this story: + +When Queen Liliuokalani was in England during the English queen's +jubilee, she was received at Buckingham Palace. In the course of the +remarks that passed between the two queens, the one from the Sandwich +Islands said that she had English blood in her veins. + +"How so?" inquired Victoria. + +"My ancestors ate Captain Cook." + + +Signor Marconi, in an interview in Washington, praised American +democracy. + +"Over here," he said, "you respect a man for what he is himself--not for +what his family is--and thus you remind me of the gardener in Bologna +who helped me with my first wireless apparatus. + +"As my mother's gardener and I were working on my apparatus together a +young count joined us one day, and while he watched us work the count +boasted of his lineage. + +"The gardener, after listening a long while, smiled and said: + +"'If you come from an ancient family, it's so much the worse for you +sir; for, as we gardeners say, the older the seed the worse the crop.'" + + +"Gerald," said the young wife, noticing how heartily he was eating, "do +I cook as well as your mother did?" + +Gerald put up his monocle, and stared at her through it. + +"Once and for all, Agatha," he said, "I beg you will remember that +although I may seem to be in reduced circumstances now, I come of an old +and distinguished family. My mother was not a cook." + + +"My ancestors came over in the 'Mayflower.'" + +"That's nothing; my father descended from an aeroplane."--_Life_. + + +When in England, Governor Foss, of Massachusetts, had luncheon with a +prominent Englishman noted for boasting of his ancestry. Taking a coin +from his pocket, the Englishman said: "My great-great-grandfather was +made a lord by the king whose picture you see on this shilling." +"Indeed!" replied the governor, smiling, as he produced another coin. +"What a coincidence! My great-great-grandfather was made an angel by the +Indian whose picture you see on this cent." + + +People will not look forward to posterity, who never look backward to +their ancestors.--_Burke_. + + + From yon blue heavens above us bent, + The gardener Adam and his wife + Smile at the claims of long descent. + + --_Tennyson_. + + + + +ANGER + + +Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to +re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let +not the sun go down upon your wrath." + +"Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down on +your wrath?" + +Charlie squirmed a little. Then: + +"Well, how can _I_ stop it?" + + +When a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife's. + + +It is easy enough to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is the +bigger. + + + + +ANNIVERSARIES + + +MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?" + +MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two +presents." + + + + +ANTIDOTES + + +"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to +the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of +oxalic acid, what would you administer?" + +The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry because it +was obligatory in the course, replied, "I would administer the +sacrament." + + + + +APPEARANCES + + +"How fat and well your little boy looks." + +"Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on one +side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other." + + + + +APPLAUSE + + +A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour, +finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was +no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough +hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected spirits. The leading man +stepped to the foot-lights after the first act and bowed profoundly. +Still the clapping continued. + +When he went behind the scenes he saw an Irish stagehand laughing +heartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the actor, throwing +out his chest. + +"What d'ye mane?" replied the Irishman. + +"Why, the hand-clapping out there," was the reply. + +"Hand-clapping?" + +"Yes," said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to show +they appreciate me." + +"D'ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi, thot's not +applause. Thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes." + + +Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak +ones.--_Colton_. + + +O Popular Applause! what heart of man is proof against thy sweet, +seducing charms?--_Cowper_. + + + + +ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL + + +A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim +details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband: + +"This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing he done to stop +it?" + +"I'm afraid not," her husband answered. + +"Why don't both sides come together and arbitrate?" she cried. + +"They did," said he. "They did, 'way back in June. That's how the +gol-durned thing started." + + + + +ARITHMETIC + + +"He seems to be very clever." + +"Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work +out at school." + + +SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic." + +POP--"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure up baseball +scores and batting averages? Never!" + + +TEACHER--"Now, Johnny, suppose I should borrow $100 from your father and +should pay him $10 a month for ten months, how much would I then owe +him?" + +JOHNNY--"About $3 interest." + + +"See how I can count, mama," said Kitty. "There's my right foot. That's +one. There's my left foot. That's two. Two and one make three. Three +feet make a yard, and I want to go out and play in it!" + + +"Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing smacks had +an argument one day as to which was the better mathematician," said +George C. Wiedenmayer the other day. "Finally the captain of their ship +proposed the following problem which each would try to work out: 'If a +fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and brought their catch to port +and sold it at 6 cents a pound, how much would they receive for the +fish?' + +"Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able to +master the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable to get +any answer. + +"At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat the +problem. The captain started off: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds +of cod and--.' + +"'Wait a moment,' said Bill, 'is it codfish they caught?' + +"'Yep,' said the captain. + +"'Darn it all,' said Bill. 'No wonder I couldn't get an answer. Here +I've been figuring on salmon all the time.'" + + + + +ARMIES + + +A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned +his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a pie +from the canteen. + +As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress +uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the major +stopped and said: + +"What's that you have there?" + +"Pie," said the sentry, good-naturedly. "Apple pie. Have a bite?" + +The major frowned. + +"Do you know who I am?" he asked. + +"No," said the sentry, "unless you're the major's groom." + +The major shook his head. + +"Guess again," he growled. + +"The barber from the village?" + +"No." + +"Maybe"--here the sentry laughed--"maybe you're the major himself?" + +"That's right. I am the major," was the stern reply. + +The sentry scrambled to his feet. + +"Good gracious!" he exclaimed. "Hold the pie, will you, while I present +arms!" + + +The battle was going against him. The commander-in-chief, himself ruler +of the South American republic, sent an aide to the rear, ordering +General Blanco to bring up his regiment at once. Ten minutes passed; but +it didn't come. Twenty, thirty, and an hour--still no regiment. The aide +came tearing back hatless, breathless. + +"My regiment! My regiment! Where is it? Where is it?" shrieked the +commander. + +"General," answered the excited aide, "Blanco started it all right, but +there are a couple of drunken Americans down the road and they won't let +it go by." + + +An army officer decided to see for himself how his sentries were doing +their duty. He was somewhat surprised at overhearing the following: + +"Halt! Who goes there?" + +"Friend--with a bottle." + +"Pass, friend. Halt, bottle." + + +"A war is a fearful thing," said Mr. Dolan. + +"It is," replied Mr. Rafferty. "When you see the fierceness of members +of the army toward one another, the fate of a common enemy must be +horrible." + + +_See also_ Military Discipline. + + + + +ARMY RATIONS + + +The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came across a +private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching on something. +His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only with the greatest +effort. + +"What are you eating?" demanded the colonel. + +"Persimmons, sir." + +"Good Heavens! Haven't you got any more sense than to eat persimmons at +this time of the year? They'll pucker the very stomach out of you." + +"I know, sir. That's why I'm eatin' 'em. I'm tryin' to shrink me stomach +to fit me rations." + + +On the occasion of the annual encampment of a western militia, one of +the soldiers, a clerk who lived well at home, was experiencing much +difficulty in disposing of his rations. + +A fellow-sufferer nearby was watching with no little amusement the first +soldier's attempts to Fletcherize a piece of meat. "Any trouble, Tom?" +asked the second soldier sarcastically. + +"None in particular," was the response. Then, after a sullen survey of +the bit of beef he held in his hand, the amateur fighter observed: + +"Bill, I now fully realize what people mean when they speak of the +sinews of war."--_Howard Morse_. + + + + +ART + + + There was an old sculptor named Phidias, + Whose knowledge of Art was invidious. + He carved Aphrodite + Without any nightie-- + Which startled the purely fastidious. + + --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. + + +The friend had dropped in to see D'Auber, the great animal painter, put +the finishing touches on his latest painting. He was mystified, however, +when D'Auber took some raw meat and rubbed it vigorously over the +painted rabbit in the foreground. + +"Why on earth did you do that?" he asked. + +"Why you see," explained D'Auber, "Mrs Millions is coming to see this +picture today. When she sees her pet poodle smell that rabbit, and get +excited over it, she'll buy it on the spot." + + +A young artist once persuaded Whistler to come and view his latest +effort. The two stood before the canvas for some moments in silence. +Finally the young man asked timidly, "Don't you think, sir, that this +painting of mine is--well--er--tolerable?" + +Whistler's eyes twinkled dangerously. + +"What is your opinion of a tolerable egg?" he asked. + + +The amateur artist was painting sunset, red with blue streaks and green +dots. + +The old rustic, at a respectful distance, was watching. + +"Ah," said the artist looking up suddenly, "perhaps to you, too, Nature +has opened her sky picture page by page! Have you seen the lambent flame +of dawn leaping across the livid east; the red-stained, sulphurous +islets floating in the lake of fire in the west; the ragged clouds at +midnight, black as a raven's wing, blotting out the shuddering moon?" + +"No," replied the rustic, "not since I give up drink." + + +Art is indeed not the bread but the wine of life.--_Jean Paul Richter_. + + +Now nature is not at variance with art, nor art with nature; they being +both the servants of His providence. Art is the perfection of nature. +Were the world now as it was the sixth day, there were yet a chaos. +Nature hath made one world, and art another. In brief, all things are +artificial; for nature is the art of God.--_Sir Thomas Browne_. + + + + +ARTISTS + + +ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose." + +CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?" + + +"Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made philosopher. + +"Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at the dear old factory +than learning to pronounce the names of the old masters in my +picture-gallery." + + +CRITIC--"By George, old chap, when I look at one of your paintings I +stand and wonder--" + +ARTIST--"How I do it?" + +CRITIC "No; why you do it." + + +He that seeks popularity in art closes the door on his own genius: as he +must needs paint for other minds, and not for his own.--_Mrs. Jameson_. + + + + +ATHLETES + + +The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standing +on the desk of Mr. Billups. + +"That your boy, Billups?" he asked. + +"Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton College." + +"Looks intellectual rather than athletic," said the caller. + +"Oh, he's an athlete all right," said Billups. "When it comes to running +up accounts, and jumping his board-bill, and lifting his voice, and +throwing a thirty-two pound bluff, there isn't a gladiator in creation +that can give my boy Tommie any kind of a handicap. He's just written +for an extra check." + +"And as a proud father you are sending it, I don't doubt," smiled the +caller. + +"Yes," grinned Billups; "I am sending him a rain-check I got at the +hall-game yesterday. As an athlete, he'll appreciate its +value."--_J.K.B_. + + + + +ATTENTION + + +The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking +in observation. + +To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on the +board." + +Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote sixty-three. + +He asked for another number, and seventy-six was given. He wrote +sixty-seven. + +When a third number was asked, a child who apparently had paid no +attention called out: + +"Theventy-theven. Change _that_ you thucker!" + + + + +AUTHORS + + +The following is a recipe for an author: + + Take the usual number of fingers, + Add paper, manila or white, + A typewriter, plenty of postage + And something or other to write. + + --_Life_. + + +Oscar Wilde, upon hearing one of Whistler's _bon mots_ exclaimed: "Oh, +Jimmy; I wish I had said that!" "Never mind, dear Oscar," was the +rejoinder, "you will!" + + +THE AUTHOR--"Would you advise me to get out a small edition?" + +THE PUBLISHER--"Yes, the smaller the better. The more scarce a book is +at the end of four or five centuries the more money you realize from +it." + + +AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"Hurray! Five dollars for my latest story, 'The Call +of the Lure!'" + +FAST FRIEND--"Who from?" + +AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"The express company. They lost it." + + +A lady who had arranged an authors' reading at her house succeeded in +persuading her reluctant husband to stay home that evening to assist in +receiving the guests. He stood the entertainment as long as he +could--three authors, to be exact--and then made an excuse that he was +going to open the front door to let in some fresh air. In the hall he +found one of the servants asleep on a settee. + +"Wake up!" he commanded, shaking the fellow roughly. "What does this +mean, your being asleep out here? You must have been listening at the +keyhole." + + +An ambitious young man called upon a publisher and stated that he had +decided to write a book. + +"May I venture to inquire as to the nature of the book you propose to +write?" asked the publisher, very politely. + +"Oh," came in an offhand way from the aspirant to literary fame, "I +think of doing something on the line of 'Les Miserables,' only livelier, +you know." + + +"So you have had a long siege of nervous prostration?" we say to the +haggard author. "What caused it? Overwork?" + +"In a way, yes," he answers weakly. "I tried to do a novel with a Robert +W. Chambers hero and a Mary E. Wilkins heroine."--_Life_. + + +Mark Twain at a dinner at the Authors' Club said: "Speaking of fresh +eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. In my early lecturing days I +went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. +The town seemed very poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the people +knew anything at all about what was in store for them. So I turned in at +the general store. 'Good afternoon, friend,' I said to the general +storekeeper. 'Any entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while +away his evening?' The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerels, +straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and said: 'I expect +there's goin' to be a lecture. I've been sellin' eggs all day." + + +An American friend of Edmond Rostand says that the great dramatist once +told him of a curious encounter he had had with a local magistrate in a +town not far from his own. + +It appears that Rostand had been asked to register the birth of a +friend's newly arrived son. The clerk at the registry office was an +officious little chap, bent on carrying out the letter of the law. The +following dialogue ensued: + +"Your name, sir?" + +"Edmond Rostand." + +"Vocation?" + +"Man of letters, and member of the French Academy." + +"Very well, sir. You must sign your name. Can you write? If not, you may +make a cross."--_Howard Morse_. + + +George W. Cable, the southern writer, was visiting a western city where +he was invited to inspect the new free library. The librarian conducted +the famous writer through the building until they finally reached the +department of books devoted to fiction. + +"We have all your books, Mr. Cable," proudly said the librarian. "You +see there they are--all of them on the shelves there: not one missing." + +And Mr. Cable's hearty laugh was not for the reason that the librarian +thought! + + +Brief History of a Successful Author: From ink-pots to flesh-pots--_R.R. +Kirk_. + + +"It took me nearly ten years to learn that I couldn't write stories." + +"I suppose you gave it up then?" + +"No, no. By that time I had a reputation." + + +"I dream my stories," said Hicks, the author. + +"How you must dread going to bed!" exclaimed Cynicus. + + +The five-year-old son of James Oppenheim, author of "The Olympian," was +recently asked what work he was going to do when he became a man. "Oh," +Ralph replied, "I'm not going to work at all." "Well, what are you going +to do, then?" he was asked. "Why," he said seriously, "I'm just going to +write stories, like daddy." + + +William Dean Howells is the kindliest of critics, but now and then some +popular novelist's conceit will cause him to bristle up a little. + +"You know," said one, fishing for compliments, "I get richer and richer, +but all the same I think my work is falling off. My new work is not so +good as my old." + +"Oh, nonsense!" said Mr. Howells. "You write just as well as you ever +did. Your taste is improving, that's all." + + +James Oliver Curwood, a novelist, tells of a recent encounter with the +law. The value of a short story he was writing depended upon a certain +legal situation which he found difficult to manage. Going to a lawyer of +his acquaintance he told him the plot and was shown a way to the desired +end. "You've saved me just $100," he exclaimed, "for that's what I am +going to get for this story." + +A week later he received a bill from the lawyer as follows: "For +literary advice, $100." He says he paid. + + +"Tried to skin me, that scribbler did!" + +"What did he want?" + +"Wanted to get out a book jointly, he to write the book and I to write +the advertisements. I turned him down. I wasn't going to do all the +literary work." + + +At a London dinner recently the conversation turned to the various +methods of working employed by literary geniuses. Among the examples +cited was that of a well-known poet, who, it is said, was wont to arouse +his wife about four o'clock in the morning and exclaim, "Maria, get up; +I've thought of a good word!" Whereupon the poet's obedient helpmate +would crawl out of bed and make a note of the thought-of word. + +About an hour later, like as not, a new inspiration would seize the +bard, whereupon he would again arouse his wife, saying, "Maria, Maria, +get up! I've thought of a better word!" + +The company in general listened to the story with admiration, but a +merry-eyed American girl remarked: "Well, if he'd been my husband I +should have replied, 'Alpheus, get up yourself; I've thought of a bad +word!'" + + +"There is probably no hell for authors in the next world--they suffer so +much from critics and publishers in this."--_Bovee_. + + + A thought upon my forehead, + My hand up to my face; + I want to be an author, + An air of studied grace! + I want to be an author, + With genius on my brow; + I want to be an author, + And I want to be it now! + + --_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_. + + +That writer does the most, who gives his reader the most knowledge, and +takes from him the least time.--_C.C. Colton_. + + + Habits of close attention, thinking heads, + Become more rare as dissipation spreads, + Till authors hear at length one general cry + Tickle and entertain us, or we die! + + --_Cowper_. + + +The author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a mother +who talks about her own children.--_Disraeli_. + + + + +AUTOMOBILES + + +TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a +thousand?" + +BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car." + + +"How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway. + +"Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my income +generally." + + +"What is the name of your automobile?" + +"I don't know." + +"You don't know? What do your folks call it?" + +"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom calls it +'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, 'Our Car'; grandma, 'That +Peril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak,' and our neighbors, 'The +Limit.'"--_Life_. + + +"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' and the +'dead?'" asked the Sunday-school teacher. + +Willie waved his hand frantically. + +"Well, Willie?" + +"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way of +automobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead.'" + + +"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?" + +"Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the blamed +machine." + + +A little "Brush" chugged painfully up to the gate of a race track. + +The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles, called: + +"A dollar for the car!" + +The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said: + +"Sold!" + + +Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread. + + +_See also_ Fords; Profanity. + + + + +AUTOMOBILING + + +"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in. +We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners." + +"Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to +come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire. That's only five miles an +hour." + +"Sure!" said the new constable, "but the speed law round these here +parts is ten mile an hour, and by Jehosophat I'm goin' to make you +ottermobile fellers live up to it." + + +Two street pedlers in Bradford, England, bought a horse for $11.25. It +was killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the car paid them +$115 for the loss. Thereupon a new industry sprang up on the roads of +England. + + +"It was very romantic," says the friend. "He proposed to her in the +automobile." + +"Yes?" we murmur, encouragingly. + +"And she accepted him in the hospital." + + +"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed," said +the visitor. + +"That goes to show," replied Farmer Corntassel, "how little you +reformers understand local conditions. I've purty nigh paid off a +mortgage with the money I made haulm' automobiles out o' that mud-hole." + + +The old lady from the country and her small son were driving to town +when a huge automobile bore down upon them. The horse was badly +frightened and began to prance, whereupon the old lady leaped down and +waved wildly to the chauffeur, screaming at the top of her voice. + +The chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse past. + +"That's all right," said the boy, who remained composedly in the +carriage, "I can manage the horse. You just lead Mother past." + + +"What makes you carry that horrible shriek machine for an automobile +signal?" + +"For humane reasons." replied Mr. Chugging. "If I can paralyze a person +with fear he will keep still and I can run to one side of him." + + +In certain sections of West Virginia there is no liking for +automobilists, as was evidenced in the case of a Washingtonian who was +motoring in a sparsely settled region of the State. + +This gentleman was haled before a local magistrate upon the complaint of +a constable. The magistrate, a good-natured man, was not, however, +absolutely certain that the Washingtonian's car had been driven too +fast; and the owner stoutly insisted that he had been progressing at the +rate of only six miles an hour. + +"Why, your Honor," he said, "my engine was out of order, and I was going +very slowly because I was afraid it would break down completely. I give +you my word, sir, you could have walked as fast as I was running." + +"Well," said the magistrate, after due reflection, "you don't appear to +have been exceeding the speed limit, but at the same time you must have +been guilty of something, or you wouldn't be here. I fine you ten +dollars for loitering."--_Fenimore Martin_. + + + + +AVIATION + + +The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his +airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to +go down again." + +"What's wrong?" asked her husband. + +"I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my jacket. I +think I can see it glistening on the ground." + +"Keep your seat, my dear," said the aviator, "that's Lake Erie." + + +AVIATOR (to young assistant, who has begun to be frightened)--"Well, +what do you want now?" + +ASSISTANT (whimpering)--"I want the earth."--_Abbie C. Dixon_. + + +When Claude Grahame-White the famous aviator, author of "The Aeroplane +in War," was in this country not long ago, he was spending a week-end at +a country home. He tells the following story of an incident that was +very amusing to him. + +"The first night that I arrived, a dinner party was given. Feeling very +enthusiastic over the recent flights, I began to tell the young woman +who was my partner at the table of some of the details of the aviation +sport. + +"It was not until the dessert was brought on that I realized that I had +been doing all the talking; indeed, the young woman seated next me had +not uttered a single word since I first began talking about aviation. +Perhaps she was not interested in the subject, I thought, although to an +enthusiast like me it seemed quite incredible. + +"'I am afraid I have been boring you with this shop talk," I said, +feeling as if I should apologize. + +"'Oh, not at all,' she murmured, in very polite tones; 'but would you +mind telling me, what is aviation?'"--_M.A. Hitchcock_. + + + + +AVIATORS + + + Little drops in water-- + Little drops on land-- + Make the aviator, + Join the heavenly band. + + --_Satire_. + + +"Are you an experienced aviator?" + +"Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all here."--_Life_. + + + + +BABIES + + +_See_ Children. + + + + +BACCALAUREATE SERMONS + + +PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an +honor to the family." + +VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to +try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon." + + + + +BACTERIA + + + There once were some learned M.D.'s, + Who captured some germs of disease, + And infected a train + Which, without causing pain, + Allowed one to catch it with ease. + + +Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital. + +"Well," said the first, "what's new this morning?" + +"I've got a most curious case. Woman, cross-eyed; in fact, so cross-eyed +that when she cries the tears run down her back." + +"What are you doing for her?" + +"Just now," was the answer, "we're treating her for bacteria." + + + + +BADGES + + +Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance +society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my room +and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance badge," she directed her +maid. "I have forgotten it. You will know it, Addie--blue ribbon and +gold lettering." + +"Yas'm, I knows it right well." Addie could not read, but she knew a +blue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and therefore had not +trouble in finding it and fastening it properly on the dress of her +mistress. + +At the meeting Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends to note +that they smiled when they shook hands with her. When she reached home +supper was served, so she went directly to the dining-room, where the +other members of the family were seated. + +"Gracious me, Mother!" exclaimed her son: "that blue ribbon--you haven't +been wearing that at the temperance meeting?" + +A loud laugh went up on all sides. + +"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at the ribbon +in surprise. + +"Why, Mother dear, didn't you know that was the ribbon I won at the +show?" + +The gold lettering on the ribbon read: + + INTERSTATE POULTRY SHOW + First Prize Bantam + + + + +BAGGAGE + + +An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, who had +done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After their first +greetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow remarked: "Feyther, +you are not lookin' weel. Is there anything the matter?" The old man +replied, "Aye, lad, I have had quite an accident." "What was that, +feyther?" "Mon," he said, "on this journey frae bonnie Scotland I lost +my luggage." "Dear, dear, that's too bad; 'oo did it happen?" "Aweel" +replied the Aberdonian, "the cork cam' oot." + + +Johnnie Poe, one of the famous Princeton football family, and +incidentally a great-nephew of Edgar Allan Poe, was a general in the +army of Honduras in one of their recent wars. Finally, when things began +to look black with peace and the American general discovered that his +princely pay when translated into United States money was about sixty +cents a day, he struck for the coast. There he found a United States +warship and asked transportation home. + +"Sure," the commander told him. "We'll be glad to have you. Come aboard +whenever you like and bring your luggage." + +"Thanks," said Poe warmly. "I'll sure do that. I only have fifty-four +pieces." + +"What!" exclaimed the commander. "What do you think I'm running? A +freighter?" + +"Oh, well, you needn't get excited about it," purred Poe. "My fifty-four +pieces consist of one pair of socks and a pack of playing cards." + + + + +BALDNESS + + +One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most fashionable way +of dressing the hair was at work on the job. + +Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap, +watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers would slide +over the smooth and glossy pate which is Father's. + +"No waves for you, Father," remarked the little one. "You're all beach." + + +"Were any of your boyish ambitions ever realized?" asked the +sentimentalist. + +"Yes," replied the practical person. "When my mother used to cut my hair +I often wished I might be bald-headed." + + +Congressman Longworth is not gifted with much hair, his head being about +as shiny as a billiard ball. + +One day ex-president Taft, then Secretary of War, and Congressman +Longworth sallied into a barbershop. + +"Hair cut?" asked the barber of Longworth. + +"Yes," answered the Congressman. + +"Oh, no, Nick," commented the Secretary of War from the next chair, "you +don't want a hair cut; you want a shine." + + +"O, Mother, why are the men in the front baldheaded?" + +"They bought their tickets from scalpers, my child." + + +The costumer came forward to attend to the nervous old beau who was +mopping his bald and shining poll with a big silk handkerchief. + +"And what can I do for you?" he asked. + +"I want a little help in the way of a suggestion," said the old fellow. +"I intend going to the French Students' masquerade ball to-night, and I +want a distinctly original costume--something I may be sure no one else +will wear. What would you suggest?" + +The costumer looked him over attentively, bestowing special notice on +the gleaming knob. + +"Well, I'll tell you," he said then, thoughtfully: "why don't you sugar +your head and go as a pill?"--_Frank X. Finnegan_. + + +United States Senator Ollie James, of Kentucky, is bald. + +"Does being bald bother you much?" a candid friend asked him once. + +"Yes, a little," answered the truthful James. + +"I suppose you feel the cold severely in winter," went on the friend. + +"No; it's not that so much," said the Senator. "The main bother is when +I'm washing myself--unless I keep my hat on I don't know where my face +stops." + + +A near-sighted old lady at a dinner-party, one evening, had for her +companion on the left a very bald-headed old gentleman. While talking to +the gentleman at her right she dropped her napkin unconsciously. The +bald-headed gentleman, in stooping to pick it up, touched her arm. The +old lady turned around, shook her head, and very politely said: "No +melon, thank you." + + + + +BANKS AND BANKING + + +During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money. +He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using +cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money. + +The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little effect. At +last the president tried his hand, and after long and minute +explanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be dawning on the +farmer's mind. Much encouraged, the president said: "You understand now +how it is, don't you, Mr.. Schmidt?" + +"I t'ink I do," admitted Mr. Schmidt. "It's like dis, aindt it? Ven my +baby vakes up at night and vants some milk, I gif him a milk ticket." + + +She advanced to the paying teller's window and, handing in a check for +fifty dollars, stated that it was a birthday present from her husband +and asked for payment. The teller informed her that she must first +endorse it. + +"I don't know what you mean," she said hesitatingly. + +"Why, you see," he explained, "you must write your name on the back, so +that when we return the check to your husband, he will know we have paid +you the money." + +"Oh, is that all?" she said, relieved.... One minute elapses. + +Thus the "endorsement": "Many thanks, dear, I've got the money. Your +loving wife, Evelyn." + + +FRIEND--"So you're going to make it hot for that fellow who held up the +bank, shot the cashier, and got away with the ten thousand?" + +BANKER--"Yes, indeed. He was entirely too fresh. There's a decent way to +do that, you know. If he wanted to get the money, why didn't he come +into the bank and work his way up the way the rest of us did?"--_Puck_. + + + + +BAPTISM + + +A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in southern +Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest but +fruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wanted +their souls washed white as snow to stand up. One old darky remained +sitting. + +"Don' yo' want y' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?" + +"Mah soul done been washed w'ite as snow, pahson." + +"Whah wuz yo' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?" + +"Over yander to the Methodis' chu'ch acrost de railroad." + +"Brudder Jones, yo' soul wa'n't washed--hit were dry-cleaned."--_Life_. + + + + +BAPTISTS + + +An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the Methodist +and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to the reason for +his church travels he responded: + +"Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I couldn't +keep up wid de answerin' back in dey church. De Methodis', dey always +holdin' inquiry meetin', and I don't like too much inquirin' into. But +de Baptis', suh, dey jes' dip and are done wid hit." + + +A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: "Come up en jine de army ob de +Lohd." "I'se done jined," replied one of the congregation. "Whar'd yoh +jine?" asked the exhorter. "In de Baptis' Chu'ch." "Why, chile," said +the exhorter, "yoh ain't in the army; yoh's in de navy." + + + + +BARGAINS + + +MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went out +want?" + +SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department." + + +"Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a magnificent and +endless bargain counter and I looking on without a cent." + + +Newell Dwight Hillis, the now famous New York preacher and author, some +years ago took charge of the First Presbyterian Church of Evanston, +Illinois. Shortly after going there he required the services of a +physician, and on the advice of one of his parishioners called in a +doctor noted for his ability properly to emphasize a good story, but who +attended church very rarely. He proved very satisfactory to the young +preacher, but for some reason could not be induced to render a bill. +Finally Dr. Hillis, becoming alarmed at the inroads the bill might make +in his modest stipend, went to the physician and said, "See here, +Doctor, I must know how much I owe you." + +After some urging, the physician replied: "Well, I'll tell you what I'll +do with you, Hillis. They say you're a pretty good preacher, and you +seem to think I am a fair doctor, so I'll make this bargain with you. +I'll do all I can to keep you out of heaven if you do all you can to +keep me out of hell, and it won't cost either of us a cent. Is it a go?" + + +"My wife and myself are trying to get up a list of club magazines. By +taking three you get a discount." + +"How are you making out?" + +"Well, we can get one that I don't want, and one that she doesn't want, +and one that neither wants for $2.25." + + + + +BASEBALL + + +A run in time saves the nine. + + +Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good +whittler.--_Abe Martin_. + + +"Plague take that girl!" + +"My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town." + +"That may be. But she obstructs my view of second base." + + +When Miss Cheney, one of the popular teachers in the Swarthmore schools, +had to deal with a boy who played "hookey," she failed to impress him +with the evil of his ways. + +"Don't you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from school to +play baseball?" asked Miss Cheney. + +"Yessum," replied the lad promptly. "Some of 'em gets to be good players +and pitch in the big leagues." + + + + +BATHS AND BATHING + + +The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in +connection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The next +morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready +to check out. + +"Well, did you have a good night's rest?" the clerk asked. + +"No, I didn't," replied the Kansan. "The room was all right, and the bed +was pretty good, but I couldn't sleep very much for I was afraid some +one would want to take a bath, and the only door to it was through my +room." + + +RURAL CONSTABLE-"Now then, come out o' that. Bathing's not allowed 'ere +after 8 a.m." + +THE FACE IN THE WATER-"Excuse me, Sergeant, I'm not bathing; I'm only +drowning."--_Punch_. + + +A woman and her brother lived alone in the Scotch Highlands. She knitted +gloves and garments to sell in the Lowland towns. Once when she was +starting out to market her wares, her brother said he would go with her +and take a dip in the ocean. While the woman was in the town selling +her work, Sandy was sporting in the waves. When his sister came down to +join him, however, he met her with a wry face. "Oh, Kirstie," he said, +"I've lost me weskit." They hunted high and low, but finally as night +settled down decided that the waves must have carried it out to sea. + +The next year, at about the same season, the two again visited the town. +And while Kirstie sold her wool in the town, Sandy splashed about in the +brine. When Kirstie joined her brother she found him with a radiant +face, and he cried out to her, "Oh, Kirstie, I've found me weskit. 'Twas +under me shirt." + + +In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took an +Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two privates +were deputed to strip and wash him. + +The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressed +him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes and +large cakes of white soap. + +After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. He +saluted his officer and said disconsolately: + +"It's no use, sir. It's no use." + +"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you washed that +Afghan yet?" + +"It's no use, sir," the private repeated. "We've washed him for two +hours, but it's no use." + +"How do you mean it's no use?" said the officer angrily. + +"Why, sir," said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin' him till +our arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another suit of +clothes." + + + + +BAZARS + + +Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was going +along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, pointing his +pistol, began to relieve his victim of his money. + +The thief, however, apparently suffered some pangs of remorse. "It's +pretty rough to be gone through like this, ain't it, sir?" he inquired. + +"Oh, that's all right, my man," the "held-up" one answered cheerfully. +"I was on my way to a bazar. You're first, and there's an end of it." + + + + +BEARDS + + + There was an old man with a beard, + Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- + Two owls and a hen, + Four larks and a wren, + Have all built their nests in my beard." + + + + +BEAUTY + + + If eyes were made for seeing, + Then beauty is its own excuse for being. + + --Emerson. + + + A thing of beauty is a joy forever; + Its loveliness increases; it will never + Pass into nothingness; but still will keep + A bower quiet for us, and a sleep + Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing. + + + + +BEAUTY, PERSONAL + + + In good looks I am not a star. + There are others more lovely by far. + But my face--I don't mind it, + Because I'm behind it-- + It's the people in front that I jar. + + +"Shine yer boots, sir?" + +"No," snapped the man. + +"Shine 'em so's yer can see yer face in 'em?" urged the bootblack. + +"No, I tell you!" + +"Coward," hissed the bootblack. + + +A farmer returning home late at night, found a man standing beside the +house with a lighted lantern in his hand. "What are you doing here?" he +asked, savagely, suspecting he had caught a criminal. For answer came a +chuckle, and--"It's only mee, zur." + +The farmer recognized John, his shepherd. + +"It's you, John, is it? What on earth are you doing here this time o' +night?" + +Another chuckle. "I'm a-coortin' Ann, zur." + +"And so you've come courting with a lantern, you fool. Why I never took +a lantern when I courted your mistress." + +"No, zur, you didn't, zur," John chuckled. "We can all zee you didn't, +zur." + + +The senator and the major were walking up the avenue. The senator was +more than middle-aged and considerably more than fat, and, dearly as the +major loved him, he also loved his joke. + +The senator turned with a pleased expression on his benign countenance +and said, "Major, did you see that pretty girl smile at me?" + +"Oh, that's nothing," replied his friend. "The first time I saw you I +laughed out loud!"--_Harper's Magazine_. + + +Pat, thinking to enliven the party, stated, with watch in hand: "I'll +presint a box of candy to the loidy that makes the homeliest face within +the next three minutes." + +The time expired, Pat announced: "Ah, Mrs. McGuire, you get the prize." + +"But," protested Mrs. McGuire, "go way wid ye! I wasn't playin' at all." + + +ARTHUR--"They say dear, that people who live together get to look +alike." + +KATE--"Then you must consider my refusal as final." + + +In the negro car of a railway train in one of the gulf states a bridal +couple were riding--a very light, rather good looking colored girl and a +typical full blooded negro of possibly a reverted type, with receding +forehead, protruding eyes, broad, flat nose very thick lips and almost +no chin. He was positively and aggressively ugly. + +They had been married just before boarding the train and, like a good +many of their white brothers and sisters, were very much interested in +each other, regardless of the amusement of their neighbors. After +various "billings and cooings" the man sank down in the seat and, +resting his head on the lady's shoulder, looked soulfully up into her +eyes. + +She looked fondly down upon him and after a few minutes murmured gently, +"Laws, honey, ain't yo' shamed to be so han'some?" + + + Little dabs of powder, + Little specks of paint, + Make my lady's freckles + Look as if they ain't. + + --_Mary A. Fairchild_. + + + He kissed her on the cheek, + It seemed a harmless frolic; + He's been laid up a week + They say, with painter's colic. + + --_The Christian Register_. + + +MOTHER (to inquisitive child)--"Stand aside. Don't you see the gentleman +wants to take the lady's picture?" + +"Why does he want to?"--_Life_. + + +One day, while walking with a friend in San Francisco, a professor and +his companion became involved in an argument as to which was the +handsomer man of the two. Not being able to arrive at a settlement of +the question, they agreed, in a spirit of fun, to leave it to the +decision of a Chinaman who was seen approaching them. The matter being +laid before him, the Oriental considered long and carefully; then he +announced in a tone of finality, "Both are worse." + + +"What a homely woman!" + +"Sir, that is my wife. I'll have you understand it is a woman's +privilege to be homely." + +"Gee, then she abused the privilege." + + +Beauty is worse than wine; it intoxicates both the holder and the +beholder.--_Zimmermann_. + + + + +BEDS + + +A western politician tells the following story as illustrating the +inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the +country. + +Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota, where he was +to make a speech the following day, he found that the so-called hotel +was crowded to the doors. Not having telegraphed for accommodations, the +politician discovered that he would have to make shift as best he could. +Accordingly, he was obliged for that night to sleep on a wire cot which +had only some blankets and a sheet on it. As the politician is an +extremely fat man, he found his improvised bed anything but comfortable. + +"How did you sleep?" asked a friend in the morning. + +"Fairly well," answered the fat man, "but I looked like a waffle when I +got up." + + + + +BEER + + + A man to whom illness was chronic, + When told that he needed a tonic, + Said, "O Doctor dear, + Won't you please make it beer?" + "No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic." + + + + +BEES + + +TEACHER--"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee'?" + +TOMMY--"No; I only know he doth it!" + + + + +BEETLES + + + Now doth the frisky June Bug + Bring forth his aeroplane, + And try to make a record, + And busticate his brain! + + He bings against the mirror, + He bangs against the door, + He caroms on the ceiling, + And turtles on the floor! + + He soars aloft, erratic, + He lands upon my neck, + And makes me creep and shiver, + A neurasthenic wreck! + + --_Charles Irvin Junkin_. + + + + +BEGGING + + +THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)--"Poor man! And are you +married?" + +BEGGAR--"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on total strangers +for support if I had a wife?" + + +MAN--"Is there any reason why I should give you five cents?" + +BOY--"Well, if I had a nice high hat like yours I wouldn't want it +soaked with snowballs." + + +MILLIONAIRE (to ragged beggar)--"You ask alms and do not even take your +hat off. Is that the proper way to beg?" + +BEGGAR--"Pardon me, sir. A policeman is looking at us from across the +street. If I take my hat off he'll arrest me for begging; as it is, he +naturally takes us for old friends." + + +Once, while Bishop Talbot, the giant "cowboy bishop," was attending a +meeting of church dignitaries in St. Paul, a tramp accosted a group of +churchmen in the hotel porch and asked for aid. + +"No," one of them told him, "I'm afraid we can't help you. But you see +that big man over there?" pointing to Bishop Talbot. + +"Well, he's the youngest bishop of us all, and he's a very generous man. +You might try him." + +The tramp approached Bishop Talbot confidently. The others watched with +interest. They saw a look of surprise come over the tramp's face. The +bishop was talking eagerly. The tramp looked troubled. And then, +finally, they saw something pass from one hand to the other. The tramp +tried to slink past the group without speaking, but one of them called +to him: + +"Well, did you get something from our young brother?" + +The tramp grinned sheepishly. "No," he admitted, "I gave him a dollar +for his damned new cathedral at Laramie!" + + + To get thine ends, lay bashfulnesse aside; + Who feares to aske, doth teach to be deny'd. + + --_Herrick_. + + + Well, whiles I am a beggar I will rail + And say, there is no sin but to be rich; + And being rich, my virtue then shall be + To say, there is no vice but beggary. + + --_Shakespeare_. + + +_See also_ Flattery; Millionaires. + + + + +BETTING + + +The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting. + +"I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can fire +twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly without +waiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars that I can." + +"Done!" cried a major. + +The whole mess was on hand early next morning to see the experiment +tried. + +The lieutenant fired. + +"Miss," he calmly announced. + +A second shot. + +"Miss," he repeated. + +A third shot. + +"Miss." + +"Here, there! Hold on!" protested the major. "What are you trying to do? +You're not shooting for the target at all." + +"Of course not," admitted the lieutenant. "I'm firing for those cigars." +And he got them. + + +Two old cronies went into a drug store in the downtown part of New York +City, and, addressing the proprietor by his first name, one of them +said: + +"Dr. Charley, we have made a bet of the ice-cream sodas. We will have +them now and when the bet is decided the loser will drop in and pay for +them." + +As the two old fellows were departing after enjoying their temperance +beverage, the druggist asked them what the wager was. + +"Well," said one of them, "our friend George bets that when the tower of +the Singer Building falls, it will topple over toward the North River, +and I bet that it won't." + + + + +BIBLE INTERPRETATION + + +"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa's +got?" asked Percy of his governess. + +"Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?" + +"Well, it says here that the Lord gave Moses two tablets." + + +"Mr. Preacher," said a white man to a colored minister who was +addressing his congregation, "you are talking about Cain, and you say he +got married in the land of Nod, after he killed Abel. But the Bible +mentions only Adam and Eve as being on earth at that time. Who, then, +did Cain marry?" + +The colored preacher snorted with unfeigned contempt. "Huh!" he said, +"you hear dat, brederen an' sisters? You hear dat fool question I am +axed? Cain, he went to de land o' Nod just as de Good Book tells us, an' +in de land o' Nod Cain gits so lazy an' so shif'less dat he up an' +marries a gal o' one o' dem no' count pore white trash families dat de +inspired apostle didn't consider fittin' to mention in de Holy Word." + + + + +BIGAMY + + + There once was an old man of Lyme. + Who married three wives at a time: + When asked, "Why a third?" + He replied, "One's absurd! + And bigamy, sir, is a crime." + + + + +BILLS + + +The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised to +"When there's a bill we're away." + + +YOUNG DOCTOR--"Why do you always ask your patients what they have for +dinner?" + +OLD DOCTOR--"It's a most important question, for according to their +menus I make out my bills." + + +Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, hired +him to drive her to the various points of interest around the country. +He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving such items of +information as he possessed. + +The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be +necessary for you to talk." + +When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked +"Extra." + +"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item. + +"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, but +when I do I charge for it."--_E. Egbert_. + + +PATIENT (_angrily_)--"The size of your bill makes my blood boil." + +DOCTOR--"Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your system." + + +At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five doctors were +in consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration. + +The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for a few +moments, he turned his head toward the group and whispered with a dry +chuckle: + +"Just send in your bills, gentlemen; that will bring it on at once." + + +"Thank Heaven, those bills are got rid of," said Bilkins, fervently, as +he tore up a bundle of statements of account dated October 1st. + +"All paid, eh?" said Mrs. Bilkins. + +"Oh, no," said Bilkins. "The duplicates dated November 1st have come in +and I don't have to keep these any longer." + + + + +BIRTHDAYS + + +When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a +birthday she takes a year off. + + + + +BLUFFING + + +Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he was a +member of a company playing "She Stoops to Conquer," a man without any +money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the box-office in a small +town and said: + +"Pass me in, please." + +The box-office man gave a loud, harsh laugh. + +"Pass you in? What for?" he asked. + +The applicant drew himself up and answered haughtily: + +"What for? Why, because I am Oliver Goldsmith, author of the play." + +"Oh, I beg your pardon, sir," replied the box-office man, as he +hurriedly wrote out an order for a box. + + + + +BLUNDERS + + +An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a +determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. "I want to +look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power." + +"Yes, ma'am," replied the salesman; "something very strong?" + +"Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder +which I never want to repeat." + +"Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?" + +"No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a black-berry." + + +The ship doctor of an English liner notified the death watch steward, an +Irishman, that a man had died in stateroom 45. The usual instructions to +bury the body were given. Some hours later the doctor peeked into the +room and found that the body was still there. He called the Irishman's +attention to the matter and the latter replied: + +"I thought you said room 46. I wint to that room and noticed wan of thim +in a bunk. 'Are ye dead?' says I. 'No,' says he, 'but I'm pretty near +dead.' + +"So I buried him." + + +Telephone girls sometimes glory in their mistakes if there is a joke in +consequence. The story is told by a telephone operator in one of the +Boston exchanges about a man who asked her for the number of a local +theater. + +He got the wrong number and, without asking to whom he was talking, he +said, "Can I get a box for two to-night?" + +A startled voice answered him at the other end of the line, "We don't +have boxes for two." + +"Isn't this the ---- Theater?" he called crossly. + +"Why, no," was the answer, "this is an undertaking shop." + +He canceled his order for a "box for two." + + +A good Samaritan, passing an apartment house in the small hours of the +morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway. + +"What's the matter?" he asked, "Drunk?" + +"Yep." + +"Do you live in this house?" + +"Yep." + +"Do you want me to help you upstairs?" + +"Yep." + +With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figure +up the stairway to the second floor. + +"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?" + +"Yep." + +Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for a +companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door he +came to and pushed the limp figure in. + +The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was passing +through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of +another man, apparently in worse condition than the first one. + +"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?" + +"Yep," was the feeble reply. + +"Do you live in this house, too?" + +"Yep." + +"Shall I help you upstairs?" + +"Yep." + +The good Samaritan pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second floor, +where this man also said he lived. He opened the same door and pushed +him in. + +As he reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third man, +evidently worse off than either of the other two. He was about to +approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the +street and threw himself into the arms of a passing policeman. + +"For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he gasped, "protect me from that man. He's +done nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n throw me down th' +elevator shaf." + + + There was a young man from the city, + Who met what he thought was a kitty; + He gave it a pat, + And said, "Nice little cat!" + And they buried his clothes out of pity. + + + + +BOASTING + + +Maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar in +the world couldn't if he tried. + +"What sort of chap is he?" + +"Well, after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tell +you he 'gave a little dinner to an acquaintance of his.'"--_R.R. +Kirk_. + + +WILLIE--"All the stores closed on the day my uncle died." + +TOMMY--"That's nothing. All the banks closed for three +weeks the day after my pa left town."--_Puck_. + + +Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one: + +"My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big that +when he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cows +he kisses us all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the following +Saturday." + +"Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked. + +"Because the barn is so far away from the house." + +"Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to my +father's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger +than a city lot!" + +"Why, how big is your father's farm?" + +"Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couples +out to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought back +by their grandchildren." + + + + +BONANZAS + + +A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine +speculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussing +the subject of his speculation, when one of them said +to this Western member: + +"Old chap, as an expert, give us a definition of the term, +'bonanza.'" + +"A 'bonanza,'" replied the Western man with emphasis, "is +a hole in the ground owned by a champion liar!" + + + + +BOOKKEEPING + + +Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays, +and at his father's request produced his account book, duly kept +at school. Among the items "S. P. G." figured largely and +frequently. "Darling boy," fondly exclaimed his doting mamma: +"see how good he is--always giving to the missionaries." But +Tommy's sister knew him better than even his mother did, and +took the first opportunity of privately inquiring what those mystic +letters stood for. Nor was she surprised ultimately to find that +they represented, not the venerable Society for the Propagation +of the Gospel, but "Sundries, Probably Grub." + + + + +BOOKS AND READING + + +LADY PRESIDENT--"What book has helped you most?" + +NEW MEMBER--"My husband's check-book."--_Martha Young_. + + +"You may send me up the complete works of Shakespeare, +Goethe and Emerson--also something to read." + + +There are three classes of bookbuyers: Collectors, women +and readers. + + +The owner of a large library solemnly warned a friend against +the practice of lending books. To punctuate his advice he +showed his friend the well-stocked shelves. "There!" said he. +"Every one of those books was lent me." + + +In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature, +the oldest.--_Bulwer-Lytton_. + + +Learning hath gained most by those books by which the +Printers have lost.--_Fuller_. + + + Books should to one of these four ends conduce, + For wisdom, piety, delight, or use. + + --_Sir John Denham_. + + +A darky meeting another coming from the library with a book accosted him +as follows: + +"What book you done got there, Rastus?" + +"'Last Days of Pompeii.'" + +"Last days of Pompey? Is Pompey dead? I never heard about it. Now what +did Pompey die of?" + +"I don't 'xactly know, but it must hab been some kind of 'ruption." + + +"I don't know what to give Lizzie for a Christmas present," one chorus +girl is reported to have said to her mate while discussing the gift to +be made to a third. + +"Give her a book," suggested the other. + +And the first one replied meditatively, "No, she's got a +book."--_Literary Digest_. + + + + +BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING + + +A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending orders: + + AS ORDERED CORRECT TITLE + _Lame as a Roble_ _Les Miserables_ + _God's Image in Mud_ _God's Image in Man_ + _Pair of Saucers_ _Paracelsus_ + _Pierre and His Poodle_ _Pierre and His People_ + + +When a customer in a Boston department store asked a clerk for Hichens's +_Bella Donna_, the reply was, "Drug counter, third aisle over." + + +It was a few days before Christmas in one of New York's large +book-stores. + +CLERK--"What is it, please?" + +CUSTOMER--"I would like Ibsen's _A Doll's House_." + +CLERK--"To cut out?" + + + + +BOOKWORMS + + +"A book-worm," said papa, "is a person who would rather read than eat, +or it is a worm that would rather eat than read." + + + + +BOOMERANGS + + +_See_ Repartee; Retaliation. + + + + +BORES + + +"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just mentioned? I +don't believe I have met him." + +"Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of them looks +bored to death, the other is Gabbleton."--_Puck_. + + +A man who was a well known killjoy was described as a great athlete. He +could throw a wet blanket two hundred yards in any gathering. + + +_See_ also Conversation; Husbands; Preaching; Public speakers; +Reformers. + + + + +BORROWERS + + +A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been a power +in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the Pontchartrain +Hotel and said: + +"What do you think? I have just received the prize insult of my life. A +paper down in Muncie, Ind., offered me a job." + +"Do you call that an insult?" + +"Not the job, but the salary. They offered me twelve dollars a week." + +"Well," said the friend, "twelve dollars a week is better than nothing." + +"Twelve a week--thunder!" exclaimed the old scribe. "I can borrow more +than that right here in Detroit."--_Detroit Free Press_. + + +One winter morning Henry Clay, finding himself in need of money, went to +the Riggs Bank and asked for the loan of $250 on his personal note. He +was told that while his credit was perfectly good, it was the inflexible +rule of the bank to require an indorser. The great statesman hunted up +Daniel Webster and asked him to indorse the note. + +"With pleasure," said Webster. "But I need some money myself. Why not +make your note for five hundred, and you and I will split it?" + +This they did. And to-day the note is in the Riggs Bank--unpaid. + + + + +BOSSES + + +The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell. + +"Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to the +door. + +"I want to see the boss of the house," replied the insurance agent. "Are +you the boss?" + +"No," meekly returned the man who came to the door; "I'm only the +husband of the boss. Step in, I'll call the boss." + +The insurance agent took a seat in the hall, and in a short time a tall +dignified woman appeared. + +"So you want to see the boss?" repeated the woman. "Well, just step into +the kitchen. This way, please. Bridget, this gentleman desires to see +you." + +"Me th' boss!" exclaimed Bridget, when the insurance agent asked her the +question. "Indade Oi'm not! Sure here comes th' boss now." + +She pointed to a small boy of ten years who was coming toward the house. + +"Tell me," pleaded the insurance agent, when the lad came into the +kitchen, "are you the boss of the house?" + +"Want to see the boss?" asked the boy. "Well, you just come with me." + +Wearily the insurance agent climbed up the stairs. He was ushered into a +room on the second floor and guided to the crib of a sleeping baby. + +"There!" exclaimed the boy, "that's the real boss of this house." + + + + +BOSTON + + +A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his lonely cabin +in the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful and happy." +"Yes," replied the one of the pick and shovel. "I spent a week in Boston +once, and no matter what happens to me now, it seems good luck in +comparison." + + +A little Boston girl with exquisitely long golden curls and quite an +angelic appearance in general, came in from an afternoon walk with her +nurse and said to her mother, "Oh, Mamma, a strange woman on the street +said to me, 'My, but ain't you got beautiful hair!'" + +The mother smiled, for the compliment was well merited, but she gasped +as the child innocently continued her account: + +"I said to her, 'I am very glad to have you like my hair, but I am sorry +to hear you use the word "ain't"!'"--_E. R. Bickford_. + + +NAN--"That young man from Boston is an interesting talker, so far as you +can understand what he says; but what a queer dialect he uses." + +FAN--"That isn't dialect; it's vocabulary. Can't you tell the +difference?" + + +A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter's gate he was asked +the usual questions: + +"What is your name, and where are you from?" + +The answer was, "Mr. So-and-So, from Boston." + +"You may come in," said Peter, "but I know you won't like it." + + + There was a young lady from Boston, + A two-horned dilemma was tossed on, + As to which was the best, + To be rich in the west + Or poor and peculiar in Boston. + + + + +BOXING + + +John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving boxing +lessons. + +"Well, son, I tried it once," replied Mr. Sullivan. "A husky young man +took one lesson from me and went home a little the worse for wear. When +he came around for his second lesson he said: 'Mr Sullivan, it was my +idea to learn enough about boxing from you to be able to lick a certain +young gentleman what I've got it in for. But I've changed my mind,' says +he. 'If it's all the same to you, Mr. Sullivan, I'll send this young +gentleman down here to take the rest of my lessons for me.'" + + + + +BOYS + + +A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical advent +of earthquakes. One year before the season of these terrestrial +disturbances, Mr. X., who lived in the danger zone, sent his two sons to +the home of a brother in England, to secure them from the impending +havoc. + +Evidently the quiet of the staid English household was disturbed by the +irruption of the two West Indians, for the returning mail steamer +carried a message to Mr. X., brief but emphatic: + +"Take back your boys; send me the earthquake." + + +Aunt Eliza came up the walk and said to her small nephew: "Good morning, +Willie. Is your mother in?" + +"Sure she's in," replied Willie truculently. "D'you s'pose I'd be +workin' in the garden on Saturday morning if she wasn't?" + + +An iron hoop bounded through the area railings of a suburban house and +played havoc with the kitchen window. The woman waited, anger in her +eyes, for the appearance of the hoop's owner. Presently he came. + +"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and here's Father to mend +it." + +And, sure enough, he was followed by a stolid-looking workman, who at +once started to work, while the small boy took his hoop and ran off. + +"That'll be four bits, ma'am," announced the glazier when the window was +whole once more. + +"Four bits!" gasped the woman. "But your little boy broke it--the little +fellow with the hoop, you know. You're his father, aren't you?" + +The stolid man shook his head. + +"Don't know him from Adam," he said. "He came around to my place and +told me his mother wanted her winder fixed. You're his mother, aren't +you?" + +And the woman shook her head also.--_Ray Trum Nathan_. + + +_See also_ Egotism; Employers and employees; Office boys. + + + + +BREAKFAST FOODS + + +Pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted ears of +corn. + +"You are going to invent a new kind of breakfast food," interpreted +Joseph.--_Judge_. + + + + +BREATH + + +One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She +asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of +the time. One little girl spoke up and said: + +"Yes'm, when it is a cold day I can see the smoke." + + +Said the bibulous gentleman who had been reading birth and death +statistics: "Do you know, James, every time I breathe a man dies?" + +"Then," said James, "why don't you chew cloves?" + + + + +BREVITY + + +An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity of the +Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat down. + + +A negro servant, on being ordered to announce visitors to a dinner +party, was directed to call out in a loud, distinct voice their names. +The first to arrive was the Fitzgerald family, numbering eight persons. +The negro announced Major Fitzgerald, Miss Fitzgerald, Master +Fitzgerald, and so on. + +This so annoyed the master that he went to the negro and said, "Don't +announce each person like that; say something shorter." + +The next to arrive were Mr. and Mrs. Penny and their daughter. The negro +solemnly opened the door and called out, "Thrupence!" + + +Dr. Abernethy, the famous Scotch surgeon, was a man of few words, but he +once met his match--in a woman. She called at his office in Edinburgh, +one day, with a hand badly inflamed and swollen. The following dialogue, +opened by the doctor, took place. + +"Burn?" + +"Bruise." + +"Poultice." + +The next day the woman called, and the dialogue was as follows: + +"Better?" + +"Worse." + +"More poultice." + +Two days later the woman made another call. + +"Better?" + +"Well. Fee?" + +"Nothing. Most sensible woman I ever saw." + + + + +BRIBERY + + +A judge, disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an agreement +in a perfectly evident case, rose and said, "I discharge this jury." + +One sensitive talesman, indignant at what he considered a rebuke, +obstinately faced the judge. + +"You can't discharge me," he said in tones of one standing upon his +rights. + +"And why not?" asked the surprised judge. + +"Because," announced the juror, pointing to the lawyer for the defense, +"I'm being hired by that man there!" + + + + +BRIDES + + +"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the +dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed that there's +never cream on this milk?" + +"I spoke to the milkman about it," she replied, "and he explained that +the company always fill their bottles so full that there's no room for +cream on top." + + +"Do you think only of me?" murmured the bride. "Tell me that you think +only of me." + +"It's this way," explained the groom gently. "Now and then I have to +think of the furnace, my dear." + + + + +BRIDGE WHIST + + +"How about the sermon?" + +"The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at bridge." + +"You don't say! Did he mention any names?" + + + + +BROOKLYN + + +At the Brooklyn Bridge.--"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?" + +"No, I have to."--_Life_. + + + + +BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS + + +Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ Clark's +friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch fobs so +popular during the election. On being asked the reason for this, Champ +replied: "Oh, that's to keep my watch running." + + + + +BUILDINGS + + +Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New York. + +"Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" asked the +parish priest. + +"Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last one I +worked on we had to lay on our stomachs to let the moon pass." + + + + +BURGLARS + + +A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a +good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on the +shoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a venerable, mild-eyed +clergyman gazing sadly at him. + +"Oh, my brother," groaned the reverend gentleman, "wouldst thou rob me? +Turn, I beseech thee--turn from thy evil ways. Return those stolen goods +and depart in peace, for I am merciful and forgive. Begone!" + +And the burglar, only too thankful at not being given into custody of +the police, obeyed and slunk swiftly off. + +Then the good old man carefully and quietly packed the swag into another +bag and walked softly (so as not to disturb the slumber of the inmates) +out of the house and away into the silent night. + + + + +BUSINESS + + +A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while +cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the +following: + +"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"Do you drink yourself?" + +"That's _my_ business!" angrily. + +Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: "Have you any other business?" + + +At the Boston Immigration Station one blank was recently filled out as +follows: + +Name--Abraham Cherkowsky. +Born--Yes. +Business--Rotten. + + + + +BUSINESS ENTERPRISE + + +It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. One +morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big +sign--"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left--"Closing Out at Cost." Twenty +minutes later there appeared over his own door, in larger letters, "Main +Entrance." + + +In a section of Washington where there are a number of hotels and cheap +restaurants, one enterprising concern has displayed in great illuminated +letters, "Open All Night." Next to it was a restaurant bearing with +equal prominence the legend: + +"We Never Close." + +Third in order was a Chinese laundry in a little, low-framed, tumbledown +hovel, and upon the front of this building was the sign, in great, +scrawling letters: + +"Me wakee, too." + + +A boy looking for something to do saw the sign "Boy Wanted" hanging +outside of a store in New York. He picked up the sign and entered the +store. + +The proprietor met him. "What did you bring that sign in here for?" +asked the storekeeper. + +"You won't need it any more," said the boy cheerfully. "I'm going to +take the job." + + +A Chinaman found his wife lying dead in a field one morning; a tiger had +killed her. + +The Chinaman went home, procured some arsenic, and, returning to the +field, sprinkled it over the corpse. + +The next day the tiger's dead body lay beside the woman's. The Chinaman +sold the tiger's skin to a mandarin, and its body to a physician to make +fear-cure powders, and with the proceeds he was able to buy a younger +wife. + + +A rather simple-looking lad halted before a blacksmith's shop on his way +home from school and eyed the doings of the proprietor with much +interest. + +The brawny smith, dissatisfied with the boy's curiosity, held a piece of +red-hot iron suddenly under the youngster's nose, hoping to make him +beat a hasty retreat. + +"If you'll give me half a dollar I'll lick it," said the lad. + +The smith took from his pocket half a dollar and held it out. + +The simple-looking youngster took the coin, licked it, dropped it in his +pocket and slowly walked away whistling. + + +"Do you know where Johnny Locke lives, my little boy?" asked a +gentle-voiced old lady. + +"He aint home, but if you give me a penny I'll find him for you right +off," replied the lad. + +"All right, you're a nice little boy. Now where is he?" + +"Thanks--I'm him." + + +"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need," +would seem to be the principle of the Chinese storekeeper whom a +traveler tells about. The Chinaman asked $2.50 for five pounds of tea, +while he demanded $7.50 for ten pounds of the same brand. His business +philosophy was expressed in these words of explanation: "More buy, more +rich--more rich, more can pay!" + + +In a New York street a wagon loaded with lamp globes collided with a +truck and many of the globes were smashed. Considerable sympathy was +felt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the shattered fragments. A +benevolent-looking old gentleman eyed him compassionately. + +"My poor man," he said, "I suppose you will have to make good this loss +out of your own pocket?" + +"Yep," was the melancholy reply. + +"Well, well," said the philanthropic old gentleman, "hold out your +hat--here's a quarter for you; and I dare say some of these other people +will give you a helping hand too." + +The driver held out his hat and several persons hastened to drop coins +in it. At last, when the contributions had ceased, he emptied the +contents of his hat into his pocket. Then, pointing to the retreating +figure of the philanthropist who had started the collection, he +observed: "Say, maybe he ain't the wise guy! That's me boss!" + + + + +BUSINESS ETHICS + + +"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay +your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?" + +"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly. + +"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher. + +"No, ma'am, I know it ain't," said Johnny, "but they all do it." + + + + +BUSINESS WOMEN + + +Wanted--A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object matrimony. + + + + +CAMPAIGNS + + +_See_ Candidates; Public speakers. + + + + +CAMPING + + +Camp life is just one canned thing after another. + + + + +CANDIDATES + + +"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as a +candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish to speak," +said Private John Allen recently to some friends at the old Metropolitan +Hotel in Washington. + +"An old darky came up to greet me after the meeting. 'Marse Allen,' he +said, 'I's powerful glad to see you. I's known ob you sense you was a +babby. Knew yoh pappy long befo' you-all wuz bohn, too. He used to hold +de same office you got now. I 'members how he held dat same office fo' +years an' years.' + +"'What office do you mean, uncle?' I asked, as I never knew pop held any +office. + +"'Why, de office ob candidate, Marse John; yoh pappy was candidate fo' +many years.'" + + +A good story is told on the later Senator Vance. He was traveling down +in North Carolina, when he met an old darky one Sunday morning. He had +known the old man for many years, so he took the liberty of inquiring +where he was going. + +"I am, sah, pedestrianin' my appointed way to de tabernacle of de +Lord." + +"Are you an Episcopalian?" inquired Vance. + +"No, sah, I can't say dat I am an Epispokapillian." + +"Maybe you are a Baptist?" + +"No, sah, I can't say dat I's ever been buried wid de Lord in de waters +of baptism." + +"Oh, I see you are a Methodist." + +"No, sah, I can't say dat I's one of dose who hold to argyments of de +faith of de Medodists." + +"What are you, then, uncle?" + +"I's a Presbyterian, Marse Zeb, just de same as you is." + +"Oh nonsense, uncle, you don't mean to say that you subscribe to all the +articles of the Presbyterian faith?" + +"'Deed I do sah." + +"Do you believe in the doctrine of election to be saved?" + +"Yas, sah, I b'lieve in the doctrine of 'lection most firmly and +un'quivactin'ly." + +"Well then tell me do you believe that I am elected to be saved?" + +The old darky hesitated. There was undoubtedly a terrific struggle going +on in his mind between his veracity and his desire to be polite to the +Senator. Finally he compromised by saying: + +"Well, I'll tell you how it is, Marse Zeb. You see I's never heard of +anybody bein' 'lected to anything for what they wasn't a candidate. Has +you, sah?" + + +A political office in a small town was vacant. The office paid $250 a +year and there was keen competition for it. One of the candidates, +Ezekiel Hicks, was a shrewd old fellow, and a neat campaign fund was +turned over to him. To the astonishment of all, however, he was +defeated. + +"I can't account for it," said one of the leaders of Hicks' party, +gloomily. + +"With that money we should have won. How did you lay it out, Ezekiel." + +"Well," said Ezekiel, slowly pulling his whiskers, "yer see that office +only pays $250 a year salary, an' I didn't see no sense in paying $900 +out to get the office, so I bought a little truck farm instead." + + +The little daughter of a Democratic candidate for a local office in +Saratoga County, New York, when told that her father had got the +nomination, cried out, "Oh, mama, do they ever die of it?" + + +"I am willing," said the candidate, after he had hit the table a +terrible blow with his fist, "to trust the people." + +"Gee!" yelled a little man in the audience. "I wish you'd open a +grocery." + + +"Now, Mr. Blank," said a temperance advocate to a candidate for +municipal honors, "I want to ask you a question. Do you ever take +alcoholic drinks?" + +"Before I answer the question," responded the wary candidate, + +"I want to know whether it is put as an inquiry or as an invitation!" + + +_See also_ Politicians. + + + + +CANNING AND PRESERVING + + + A canner, exceedingly canny, + One morning remarked to his granny, + "A canner can can + Anything that he can; + But a canner can't can a can, can he?" + + --Carolyn Wells. + + + + +CAPITALISTS + + +Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: "Bishop +Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpit +utterances. Once, during a disastrous strike, a capitalist of Fond du +Lac arose in a church meeting and asked leave to speak. The bishop gave +him the floor, and the man delivered himself of a long panegyric upon +captains of industry, upon the good they do by giving men work, by +booming the country, by reducing the cost of production, and so forth. +When the capitalist had finished his self-praise and, flushed and +satisfied, had sat down again, Bishop Grafton rose and said with quiet +significance: 'Is there any other sinner that would like to say a +word?'" + + + + +CAREFULNESS + + +Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the +Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. When the +butler admitted him he said to Dugan: + +"You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just been +polished." + +"They's no danger iv me slippin' on thim," replied Dugan. "I hov spikes +in me shoes."--_Lippincott's_. + + + + +CARPENTERS + + +While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had occasion to +employ a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain Connecticut +Yankee, without any frills. + +"You thoroughly understand carpentry?" asked the senator. + +"Yes, sir." + +"You can make doors, windows, and blinds?" + +"Oh, yes sir!" + +"How would you make a Venetian blind?" + +The man scratched his head and thought deeply for a few seconds. "I +should think, sir," he said finally, "about the best way would be to +punch him in the eye." + + + + +CARVING + + +To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host is +carving): + + May one give us peace in all our States, + And the other a piece for all our plates. + + + + +CASTE + + +In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the old +style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, banjoists, and +other musicians on a platform at one end. + +At one such dance held not long ago in an Alabama town, when the +fiddlers had duly resined their bows and taken their places on the +platform, the floor manager rose. + +"Git yo' partners fo' de nex' dance!" he yelled. "All you ladies an' +gennulmens dat wears shoes an' stockin's, take yo' places in de middle +of de room. All you ladies an' gennulmens dat wears shoes an' no +stockin's, take yo' places immejitly behim' dem. An' yo' barfooted +crowd, you jes' jig it roun' in de corners."--_Taylor Edwards_. + + + + +CATS + + + There was a young lady whose dream + Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream, + But the cat with a bound + Spilt the milk on the ground, + So she fed a whipt cat on black cream. + + + There once were two cats in Kilkenny, + And each cat thought that there was one cat too many, + And they scratched and they fit and they tore and they bit, + 'Til instead of two cats--there weren't any. + + + + +CAUSE AND EFFECT + + +Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that +once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the +afternoon that he determined never to do it again. + + +A man who has an office downtown called his wife by telephone the other +morning and during the conversation asked what the baby was doing. + +"She was crying her eyes out," replied the mother. + +"What about?" + +"I don't know whether it is because she has eaten too many strawberries +or because she wants more," replied the discouraged mother. + + +BANKS--"I had a new experience yesterday, one you might call +unaccountable. I ate a hearty dinner, finishing up with a Welsh rabbit, +a mince pie and some lobster a la Newburgh. Then I went to a place of +amusement. I had hardly entered the building before everything swam +before me." + +BINKS--"The Welsh rabbit did it." + +BUNKS--"No; it was the lobster." + +BONKS--"I think it was the mince pie." + +BANKS--"No; I have a simpler explanation than that. I never felt better +in my life; I was at the Aquarium."--_Judge_. + + +Among a party of Bostonians who spent some time in a hunting-camp in +Maine were two college professors. No sooner had the learned gentlemen +arrived than their attention was attracted by the unusual position of +the stove, which was set on posts about four feet high. + +This circumstance afforded one of the professors immediate opportunity +to comment upon the knowledge that woodsmen gain by observation. + +"Now," said he, "this man has discovered that heat emanating from a +stove strikes the roof, and that the circulation is so quickened that +the camp is warmed in much less time than would be required were the +stove in its regular place on the floor." + +But the other professor ventured the opinion that the stove was elevated +to be above the window in order that cool and pure air could be had at +night. + +The host, being of a practical turn, thought that the stove was set high +in order that a good supply of green wood could be placed under it. + +After much argument, they called the guide and asked why the stove was +in such a position. + +The man grinned. "Well, gents," he explained, "when I brought the stove +up the river I lost most of the stove-pipe overboard; so we had to set +the stove up that way so as to have the pipe reach through the roof." + + +Jack Barrymore, son of Maurice Barrymore, and himself an actor of some +ability, is not over-particular about his personal appearance and is a +little lazy. + +He was in San Francisco on the morning of the earthquake. He was thrown +out of bed by one of the shocks, spun around on the floor and left +gasping in a corner. Finally, he got to his feet and rushed for a +bathtub, where he stayed all that day. Next day he ventured out. A +soldier, with a bayonet on his gun, captured Barrymore and compelled him +to pile bricks for two days. + +Barrymore was telling his terrible experience in the Lambs' Club in New +York. + +"Extraordinary," commented Augustus Thomas, the playwright. "It took a +convulsion of nature to make Jack take a bath, and the United States +Army to make him go to work." + + + + +CAUTION + + +Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds +several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man when +he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a Lakewood hotel, he said: + +"Can you crack nuts?" + +"No, dear," the old lady replied. "I lost all my teeth ages ago." + +"Then," requested Master Field, extending two hands full of pecans, +"please hold these while I go and get some more." + + + + +CHAMPAGNE + + +MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?" + +BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself. +Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quarts +instead of wan." + + +Sir Andrew Clark was Mr. Gladstone's physician, and was known to the +great statesman as a "temperance doctor" who very rarely prescribed +alcohol for his patients. On one occasion he surprised Mr. Gladstone by +recommending him to take some wine. In answer to his illustrious +patient's surprise he said: + +"Oh, wine does sometimes help you get through work! For instance, I have +often twenty letters to answer after dinner, and a pint of champagne is +a great help." + +"Indeed!" remarked Mr. Gladstone; "does a pint of champagne really help +you to answer the twenty letters?" + +"No," Sir Andrew explained; "but when I've had a pint of champagne I +don't care a rap whether I answer them or not." + + + + +CHARACTER + + +The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was, +moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of +his sons: + +"Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat Daniel?" + +"No sir. Why was it?" + +"Because the most of him was backbone and the rest was grit." + + +They were trying an Irishman, charged with a petty offense, in an +Oklahoma town, when the judge asked: "Have you any one in court who will +vouch for your good character?" + +"Yis, your honor," quickly responded the Celt, "there's the sheriff +there." + +Whereupon the sheriff evinced signs of great amazement. + +"Why, your honor," declared he, "I don't even know the man." + +"Observe, your honor," said the Irishman, triumphantly, "observe that +I've lived in the country for over twelve years an' the sheriff doesn't +know me yit! Ain't that a character for ye?" + + +We must have a weak spot or two in a character before we can love it +much. People that do not laugh or cry, or take more of anything than is +good for them, or use anything but dictionary-words, are admirable +subjects for biographies. But we don't care most for those flat pattern +flowers that press best in the herbarium.--_O.W. Holmes_. + + + + +CHARITY + + +"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature. A never +sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him." + + +Dr. C.H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman, at a recent +banquet said of charity: + +"Too many of us, perhaps, misinterpret the meaning of charity as the +master misinterpreted the Scriptural text. This master, a pillar of a +western church, entered in his journal: + +"'The Scripture ordains that, if a man take away thy coat, let him have +thy cloak also. To-day, having caught the hostler stealing my potatoes, +I have given him the sack.'" + + +THE LADY--"Well, I'll give you a dime; not because you deserve it, mind, +but because it pleases me." + +THE TRAMP--"Thank you, mum. Couldn't yer make it a quarter an' thoroly +enjoy yourself?" + + +Porter Emerson came into the office yesterday. He had been out in the +country for a week and was very cheerful. Just as he was leaving, he +said: "Did you hear about that man who died the other day and left all +he had to the orphanage?" + +"No," some one answered. "How much did he leave?" + +"Twelve children." + + +"I made a mistake," said Plodding Pete. "I told that man up the road I +needed a little help 'cause I was lookin' for me family from whom I had +been separated fur years." + +"Didn't that make him come across?" + +"He couldn't see it. He said dat he didn't know my family, but he wasn't +goin' to help in bringing any such trouble on 'em." + + +"It requires a vast deal of courage and charity to be philanthropic," +remarked Sir Thomas Lipton, apropos of Andrew Carnegie's giving. "I +remember when I was just starting in business. I was very poor and +making every sacrifice to enlarge my little shop. My only assistant was +a boy of fourteen, faithful and willing and honest. One day I heard him +complaining, and with justice, that his clothes were so shabby that he +was ashamed to go to chapel. + +"'There's no chance of my getting a new suit this year,' he told me. +'Dad's out of work, and it takes all of my wages to pay the rent.' + +"I thought the matter over, and then took a sovereign from my carefully +hoarded savings and bought the boy a stout warm suit of blue cloth. He +was so grateful that I felt repaid for my sacrifice. But the next day he +didn't come to work. I met his mother on the street and asked her the +reason. + +"'Why, Mr. Lipton,' she said, curtsying, 'Jimmie looks so respectable, +thanks to you, sir, that I thought I would send him around town today to +see if he couldn't get a better job.'" + + +"Good morning, ma'am," began the temperance worker. "I'm collecting for +the Inebriates' Home and--" + +"Why, me husband's out," replied Mrs. McGuire, "but if ye can find him +anywhere's ye're welcome to him." + + +Charity is a virtue of the heart, and not of the hands.--_Addison_. + + +You find people ready enough to do the Samaritan, without the oil and +twopence.--_Sydney Smith_. + + + + +CHICAGO + + +A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozen +copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him at once. + +Within two days he received this reply by telegraph: + +"No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try Philadelphia." + + + + +CHICKEN STEALING + + +Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of +chickens he considered best, and he replied: + +"All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de black +ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em." + + +Ida Black had retired from the most select colored circles for a brief +space, on account of a slight difficulty connected with a gentleman's +poultry-yard. Her mother was being consoled by a white friend. + +"Why, Aunt Easter, I was mighty sorry to hear about Ida--" + +"Marse John, Ida ain't nuvver tuk dem chickens. Ida wouldn't do sich a +thing! Ida wouldn't demeange herse'f to rob nobody's hen-roost--and, any +way, dem old chickens warn't nothing't all but feathers when we picked +'em." + + +"Does de white folks in youah neighborhood keep eny chickens, Br'er +Rastus?" + +"Well, Br'er Johnsing, mebbe dey does keep a few." + + +Henry E. Dixey met a friend one afternoon on Broadway. + +"Well, Henry," exclaimed the friend, "you are looking fine! What do they +feed you on?" + +"Chicken mostly," replied Dixey. "You see, I am rehearsing in a play +where I am to be a thief, so, just by way of getting into training for +the part I steal one of my own chickens every morning and have the cook +broil it for me. I have accomplished the remarkable feat of eating +thirty chickens in thirty consecutive days." + +"Great Scott!" exclaimed the friend. "Do you still like them?" + +"Yes, I do," replied Dixey; "and, what is better still, the chickens +like me. Why they have got so when I sneak into the hen-house they all +begin to cackle, 'I wish I was in Dixey.'"--_A. S. Hitchcock_. + + +A southerner, hearing a great commotion in his chicken-house one dark +night, took his revolver and went to investigate. + +"Who's there?" he sternly demanded, opening the door. + +No answer. + +"Who's there? Answer, or I'll shoot!" + +A trembling voice from the farthest corner: + +"'Deed, sah, dey ain't nobody hyah ceptin' us chickens." + + +A colored parson, calling upon one of his flock, found the object of his +visit out in the back yard working among his hen-coops. He noticed with +surprise that there were no chickens. + +"Why, Brudder Brown," he asked, "whar'r all yo' chickens?" + +"Huh," grunted Brother Brown without looking up, "some fool niggah lef +de do' open an' dey all went home." + + + + +CHILD LABOR + + +"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!" + +"Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours +truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to Alabama."--_Life_. + + + + +CHILDREN + + +Two weary parents once advertised: + +"WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female, +to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four; +each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children." + + +Another couple advertised: + +"WANTED: A governess who is good stenographer, to take down the clever +sayings of our child." + + +A boy twelve years old with an air of melancholy resignation, went to +his teacher and handed in the following note from his mother before +taking his seat: + + "Dear Sir: Please excuse James for not being present + yesterday. + + "He played truant, but you needn't whip him for it, as the boy + he played truant with and him fell out, and he licked James; + and a man they threw stones at caught him and licked him; and + the driver of a cart they hung onto licked him; and the owner + of a cat they chased licked him. Then I licked him when he + came home, after which his father licked him; and I had to + give him another for being impudent to me for telling his + father. So you need not lick him until next time. + + "He thinks he will attend regular in future." + + +MRS. POST--"But why adopt a baby when you have three children of your +own under five years old?" + +MRS. PARKER--"My own are being brought up properly. The adopted one is +to enjoy." + + +The neighbors of a certain woman in a New England town maintain that +this lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the training of +children. Local opinion ascribes these oddities on her part to the fact +that she attended normal school for one year just before her marriage. + +Said one neighbor: "She does a lot of funny things. What do you suppose +I heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon?" + +"I dunno. What was it?" + +"Well, you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with a +hay-cutter; and this afternoon as I was goin' by the house I heard her +say: + +"'Now, William, you must be a very good boy, for your father has injured +his hand, and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip you.'"--_Edwin +Tarrisse_. + + +Childhood has no forebodings; but then, it is soothed by no memories of +outlived sorrow.--_George Eliot_. + + +Better to be driven out from among men than to be disliked of +children.--_R.H. Dana_. + + +_See also_ Boys; Families. + + + + +CHOICES + + +William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of an +American officer who, by the kind permission of the British Government, +was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His Majesty's +battleships. Among other things that impressed the American was the +vessel's Sunday morning service. It was very well attended, every sailor +not on duty being there. At the conclusion of the service the American +chanced to ask one of the jackies: + +"Are you obliged to attend these Sunday morning services?" + +"Not exactly obliged to, sir," replied the sailor-man, "but our grog +would be stopped if we didn't, sir."--_Edwin Tarrisse_. + + +A well-known furniture dealer of a Virginia town wanted to give his +faithful negro driver something for Christmas in recognition of his +unfailing good humor in toting out stoves, beds, pianos, etc. + +"Dobson," he said, "you have helped me through some pretty tight places +in the last ten years, and I want to give you something as a Christmas +present that will be useful to you and that you will enjoy. Which do you +prefer, a ton of coal or a gallon of good whiskey?" + +"Boss," Dobson replied, "Ah burns wood." + + +A man hurried into a quick-lunch restaurant recently and called to the +waiter: "Give me a ham sandwich." + +"Yes, sir," said the waiter, reaching for the sandwich; "will you eat it +or take it with you?" + +"Both," was the unexpected but obvious reply. + + + + +CHOIRS + + +_See_ Singers. + + + + +CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS + + +While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in +the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from time +to time and squirmed and shifted about in his seat. At last, unable to +stand it longer, he arose and demanded, in a high, penetrating voice, +"Is there a Christian Scientist in this room?" + +A woman at the other side of the hall got up and said, "I am a Christian +Scientist." + +"Well, then, madam," requested the little man, "would you mind changing +seats with me? I'm sitting in a draft." + + + + +CHRISTIANS + + +At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one of +the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked him: + +"Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?" + +"No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink. But then, I am not +a Christian." + + +A traveler who believed himself to be sole survivor of a shipwreck upon +a cannibal isle hid for three days, in terror of his life. Driven out by +hunger, he discovered a thin wisp of smoke rising from a clump of bushes +inland, and crawled carefully to study the type of savages about it. +Just as he reached the clump he heard a voice say: "Why in hell did you +play that card?" He dropped on his knees and, devoutly raising his +hands, cried: + +"Thank God they are Christians!" + + + + +CHRISTMAS GIFTS + + +"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie," said +his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy." + +Freddie read over the list, and then said: + +"Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?" + + 'Twas the month after Christmas, + And Santa had flit; + Came there tidings for father + Which read: "Please remit!" + + --_R.L.F_. + + +Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher: + +"And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother for +Christmas this year?" + +"I dunno," said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year." + + + For little children everywhere + A joyous season still we make; + We bring our precious gifts to them, + Even for the dear child Jesus' sake. + + --_Phebe Cary_. + + + I will, if you will, + devote my Christmas giving to the children and the needy, + reserving only the privilege of, once in a while, + giving to a dear friend a gift which then will have + the old charm of being a genuine surprise. + + I will, if you will, + keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart, and, + barring out hurry, worry, and competition, + will consecrate the blessed season, in joy and love, + to the One whose birth we celebrate. + + --_Jane Porter Williams_. + + + + +CHRONOLOGY + + +TOURIST--"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an ancient library +in Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B.C.'" + +ENGLISHMAN--"Before Carnegie, I presume." + + + + +CHURCH ATTENDANCE + + +"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night." + +"New minister?" + +"No it was burned down." + + +"I understand," said a young woman to another, "that at your church you +are having such small congregations. Is that so?" + +"Yes," answered the other girl, "so small that every time our rector +says 'Dearly Beloved' you feel as if you had received a proposal!" + + +"Are you a pillar of the church?" + +"No, I'm a flying buttress--I support it from the outside." + + + + +CHURCH DISCIPLINE + + +Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One day, while +sitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking of a monk who +had left the church and married, he observed, not without malice: "He +has taken his punishment into his own hands." + + + + +CIRCUS + + +A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W. +C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most amusing +features of the show-business; the faking in the "side-show." + +Coup was the owner of a small circus that boasted among its principal +attractions a man-eating ape, alleged to be the largest in captivity. +This ferocious beast was exhibited chained to the dead trunk of a tree +in the side-show. Early in the day of the first performance of Coup's +enterprise at a certain Ohio town, a countryman handed the man-eating +ape a piece of tobacco, in the chewing of which the beast evinced the +greatest satisfaction. + +The word was soon passed around that the ape would chew tobacco; and the +result was that several plugs were thrown at him. Unhappily, however, +one of these had been filled with cayenne pepper. The man-eating ape bit +it; then, howling with indignation, snapped the chain that bound him to +the tree, and made straight for the practical joker who had so cruelly +deceived him. + +"Lave me at 'im!" yelled the ape. "Lave me at 'im, the dirty villain! +I'll have the rube's loife, or me name ain't Magillicuddy!" + +Fortunately for the countryman and for Magillicuddy, too, the man-eating +ape was restrained by the bystanders in time to prevent a killing. + + + Willie to the circus went, + He thought it was immense; + His little heart went pitter-pat, + For the excitement was in tents. + + --_Harvard Lampoon_. + + +A child of strict parents, whose greatest joy had hitherto been the +weekly prayer-meeting, was taken by its nurse to the circus for the +first time. When he came home he exclaimed: + +"Oh, Mama, if you once went to the circus you'd never, never go to a +prayer-meeting again in all your life." + + +Johnny, who had been to the circus, was telling his teacher about the +wonderful things he had seen. + +"An' teacher," he cried, "they had one big animal they called the +hip--hip-- + +"Hippopotamus, dear," prompted the teacher. + +"I can't just say its name," exclaimed Johnny, "but it looks just like +9,000 pounds of liver." + + + + +CIVILIZATION + + +An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the patronizing +airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools for the +redskins. + +On one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through one +institution when he came upon an Indian lad of seventeen years. The +worker was engaged in a bit of carpentry, which the visitor observed in +silence for some minutes. Then, with the utmost gravity, he asked the +boy: + +"Are you civilized?" + +The youthful redskin lifted his eyes from his work, calmly surveyed his +questioner, and then replied: + +"No, are you?"--_Taylor Edwards_. + + +"My dear, listen to this," exclaimed the elderly English lady to her +husband, on her first visit to the States. She held the hotel menu +almost at arm's length, and spoke in a tone of horror: "'Baked Indian +pudding!' Can it be possible in a civilized country?" + + +"The path of civilization is paved with tin cans."--_The Philistine_. + + + + +CLEANLINESS + + +"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took +up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young woman, "was one +to clean out which would have called for the best efforts of the +renovator of the Augean stables. And the families in this tenement were +almost as hopeless as the tenement itself. + +"On one occasion I felt distinctly encouraged, however, since I observed +that the face of one youngster was actually clean. + +"'William,' said I, 'your face is fairly clean, but how did you get such +dirty hands?" + +"'Washin' me face,' said William." + + +A woman in one of the factory towns of Massachusetts recently agreed to +take charge of a little girl while her mother, a seamstress, went to +another town for a day's work. + +The woman with whom the child had been left endeavored to keep her +contented, and among other things gave her a candy dog, with which she +played happily all day. + +At night the dog had disappeared, and the woman inquired whether it had +been lost. + +"No, it ain't lost," answered the little girl. "I kept it 'most all day, +but it got so dirty that I was ashamed to look at it; so I et +it."--_Fenimore Martin_. + + +"How old are you?" once asked Whistler of a London newsboy. "Seven," was +the reply. Whistler insisted that he must be older than that, and +turning to his friend he remarked: "I don't think he could get as dirty +as that in seven years, do you?" + + +If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!--_Charles Lamb_. + + + + +CLERGY + + +"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to +question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fight +against the Philistines?" + +None of the children could tell him. + +"Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help them he tapped his jaw with +one finger. "What is this?" he asked. + +This jogged their memories, and the class cried in chorus: "The jawbone +of an ass." + + +All work and no plagiarism makes a dull parson. + + +Bishop Doane of Albany was at one time rector of an Episcopal church in +Hartford, and Mark Twain, who occasionally attended his services, played +a joke upon him, one Sunday. + +"Dr. Doane," he said at the end of the service, "I enjoyed your sermon +this morning. I welcomed it like on old friend. I have, you know, a book +at home containing every word of it." + +"You have not," said Dr. Doane. + +"I have so." + +"Well, send that book to me. I'd like to see it." + +"I'll send it," the humorist replied. Next morning he sent an unabridged +dictionary to the rector. + + +The four-year-old daughter of a clergyman was ailing one night and was +put to bed early. As her mother was about to leave her she called her +back. + +"Mamma," she said, "I want to see my papa." + +"No, dear," her mother replied, "your papa is busy and must not be +disturbed." + +"But, mamma," the child persisted, "I want to see my papa." + +As before, the mother replied: "No, your papa must not be disturbed." + +But the little one came back with a clincher: + +"Mamma," she declared solemnly, "I am a sick woman, and I want to see my +minister." + + +PROFESSOR--"Now, Mr. Jones, assuming you were called to attend a patient +who had swallowed a coin, what would be your method of procedure?" + +YOUNG MEDICO--"I'd send for a preacher, sir. They'll get money out of +anyone." + + +Archbishop Ryan was once accosted on the streets of Baltimore by a man +who knew the archbishop's face, but could not quite place it. + +"Now, where in hell have I seen you?" he asked perplexedly. + +"From where in hell do you come, sir?" + + +A Duluth pastor makes it a point to welcome any strangers cordially, and +one evening, after the completion of the service, he hurried down the +aisle to station himself at the door. + +He noticed a Swedish girl, evidently a servant, so he welcomed her to +the church, and expressed the hope that she would be a regular +attendant. Finally he said if she would be at home some evening during +the week he would call. + +"T'ank you," she murmured bashfully, "but ay have a fella." + + +A minister of a fashionable church in Newark had always left the +greeting of strangers to be attended to by the ushers, until he read the +newspaper articles in reference to the matter. + +"Suppose a reporter should visit our church?" said his wife. + +"Wouldn't it be awful?" + +"It would," the minister admitted. + +The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman in one +of the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member of the +flock. After the benediction the minister hastened and intercepted her +at the door. + +"How do you do?" he said, offering his hand, "I am very glad to have you +with us." + +"Thank you," replied the young woman. + +"I hope we may see you often in our church home," he went on. "We are +always glad to welcome new faces." + +"Yes, sir." + +"Do you live in this parish?" he asked. + +The girl looked blank. + +"If you will give me your address my wife and I will call on you some +evening." + +"You wouldn't need to go far, sir," said the young woman, "I'm your +cook!" + + +Bishop Goodsell, of the Methodist Episcopal church, weighs over two +hundred pounds. It was with mingled emotions, therefore that he read the +following in _Zion's Herald_ some time ago: + +"The announcement that our New England bishop, Daniel A. Goodsell, has +promised to preach at the Willimantic camp meeting, will give great +pleasure to the hosts of Israel who are looking forward to that feast of +fat things." + + +It is a standing rule of a company whose boats ply the Great Lakes that +clergymen and Indians may travel on its boats for half-fare. A short +time ago an agent of the company was approached by an Indian preacher +from Canada, who asked for free transportation on the ground that he was +entitled to one-half rebate because he was an Indian, and the other half +because he was a clergyman.--_Elgin Burroughs_. + + +Booker Washington, as all the world knows, believes that the salvation +of his race lies in industry. Thus, if a young man wants to be a +clergyman, he will meet with but little encouragement from the head of +Tuskegee; but if he wants to be a blacksmith or a bricklayer, his +welcome is warm and hearty. + +Dr. Washington, in a recent address in Chicago, said: + +"The world is overfull of preachers and when an aspirant for the pulpit +comes to me, I am inclined to tell him about the old uncle working in +the cotton field who said: + +"'De cotton am so grassy, de work am so hard, and de sun am so hot, Ah +'clare to goodness Ah believe dis darkey am called to preach.'" + + +On one occasion the minister delivered a sermon of but ten minutes' +duration--a most unusual thing for him. + +Upon the conclusion of his remarks he added: "I regret to inform you, +brethren, that my dog, who appears to be peculiarly fond of paper, this +morning ate that portion of my sermon that I have not delivered. Let us +pray." + +After the service the clergyman was met at the door by a man who as a +rule, attended divine service in another parish. Shaking the good man by +the hand he said: + +"Doctor, I should like to know whether that dog of yours has any pups. +If so I want to get one to give to my minister." + + +Recipe for a parson: + + To a cupful of negative goodness + Add the pleasure of giving advice. + Sift in a peck of dry sermons, + And flavor with brimstone or ice. + + --_Life_. + + +A pompous Bishop of Oxford was once stopped on a London street by a +ragged urchin. + +"Well, my little man, and what can I do for you?" inquired the +churchman. + +"The time o' day, please, your lordship." + +With considerable difficulty the portly bishop extracted his timepiece. + +"It is exactly half past five, my lad." + +"Well," said the boy, setting his feet for a good start, "at 'alf past +six you go to 'ell!"--and he was off like a flash and around the +corner. The bishop, flushed and furious, his watch dangling from its +chain, floundered wildly after him. But as he rounded the corner he ran +plump into the outstretched arms of the venerable Bishop of London. + +"Oxford, Oxford," remonstrated that surprised dignitary, "why this +unseemly haste?" + +Puffing, blowing, spluttering, the outraged Bishop gasped out: + +"That young ragamuffin--I told him it was half past five--he--er--told +me to go to hell at half past six." + +"Yes, yes," said the Bishop of London with the suspicion of a twinkle in +his kindly old eyes, "but why such haste? You've got almost an hour." + + + Skilful alike with tongue and pen, + He preached to all men everywhere + The Gospel of the Golden Rule, + The New Commandment given to men, + Thinking the deed, and not the creed, + Would help us in our utmost need. + + --_Longfellow_. + + +_See also_ Burglars; Contribution box; Preaching; Resignation. + + + + +CLIMATE + + +In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong +that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance, +for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down his +reputation, he asked headquarters to transfer him to another station. + +A brief correspondance ensued. + +"Why," asked headquarters, "do you wish to be transferred?" + +"Because," the forecaster promptly replied, "the climate doesn't agree +with me." + + + + +CLOTHING + + +One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call, +sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There, +Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's +really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!" + +Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room. + +A few minutes later his neighbor--Mrs. S.--was summoned to the door by a +messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She opened +it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following note: +"Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed half an +hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly return it, as +it is the only one I have?--Mark Twain." + + +A man whose trousers bagged badly at the knees was standing on a corner +waiting for a car. A passing Irishman stopped and watched him with great +interest for two or three minutes; at last he said: + +"Well, why don't ye jump?" + + +"The evening wore on," continued the man who was telling the story. + +"Excuse me," interrupted the would-be-wit; "but can you tell us what the +evening wore on that occasion?" + +"I don't know that it is important," replied the story-teller. "But if +you must know, I believe it was the close of a summer day." + + +"See that measuring worm crawling up my skirt!" cried Mrs. Bjenks. +"That's a sign I'm going to have a new dress." + +"Well, let him make it for you," growled Mr. Bjenks. "And while he's +about it, have him send a hookworm to do you up the back. I'm tired of +the job." + + + Dwellers in huts and in marble halls-- + From Shepherdess up to Queen-- + Cared little for bonnets, and less for shawls, + And nothing for crinoline. + But now simplicity's _not_ the rage, + And it's funny to think how cold + The dress they wore in the Golden Age + Would seem in the Age of Gold. + + --_Henry S. Leigh_. + + + Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, + But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy; + For the apparel oft proclaims the man. + + --_Shakespeare_. + + + + +CLUBS + + +Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement. + +"When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every +morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of its +members shall marry a man who won't shave every morning." + +"Oh, that's all right," replied Ben; "but what about the mornings I +don't get home in time? I belong to a club, too."--_M.A. Hitchcock_. + + +The guest landing at the yacht club float with his host, both of them +wearing oilskins and sou'-westers to protect them from the drenching +rain, inquired: + +"And who are those gentlemen seated on the veranda, looking so spick and +span in their white duck yachting caps and trousers, and keeping the +waiters running all the time?" + +"They're the rocking-chair members. They never go outside, and they're +waterproof inside." + + +One afternoon thirty ladies met at the home of Mrs. Lyons to form a +woman's club. The hostess was unanimously elected president. The next +day the following ad appeared in the newspaper: + +"Wanted--a reliable woman to take care of a baby. Apply to Mrs. J. W. +Lyons." + + + + +COAL DEALERS + + +In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal +business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was +converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the +church. One day he asked: + +"Why can't you join the church like I did?" + +"It's a fine thing for you to belong to the church," replied the younger +brother, "If I join the church who'll weigh the coal?" + + + + +COEDUCATION + + +The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's +rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away from +the coeducational colleges, what will follow? What will follow, I +repeat?" + +And a loud, masculine voice in the audience replied: "I will!" + + + + +COFFEE + + +Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He +liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France he +one day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicory +in the house. He had. Bismarck said--"Well, bring it to me; all you +have." The man obeyed and handed Bismarck a canister full of chicory. +"Are you sure this is all you have?" demanded the Chancellor. "Yes, my +lord, every grain." "Then," said Bismarck, keeping the canister by him, +"go now and make me a pot of coffee." + + + + +COINS + + +He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country: +"Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Paris as a +souvenir." + +"Thanks, Herman," said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to have +brought me home one of them Latin quarters I read so much about." + + + + +COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS + + +An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store are +requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our store and not +knowing it are requested to call and find out. Those knowing themselves +indebted and not wishing to call, are requested to stay in one place +long enough for us to catch them." + + +"Sir," said the haughty American to his adhesive tailor, "I object to +this boorish dunning. I would have you know that my great-great-grandfather +was one of the early settlers." + +"And yet," sighed the anxious tradesman, "there are people who believe +in heredity." + + +A retail dealer in buggies doing business in one of the large towns in +northern Indiana wrote to a firm in the east ordering a carload of +buggies. The firm wired him: + +"Cannot ship buggies until you pay for your last consignment." + +"Unable to wait so long," wired back the buggy dealer, "cancel order." + + + The saddest words of tongue or pen + May be perhaps, "It might have been," + The sweetest words we know, by heck, + Are only these "Enclosed find check!" + + --_Minne-Ha-Ha_. + + + + +COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING + + +Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth. + +"It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling sweetly +upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day so that my +feet should not be wet by that horrid puddle. May I not instruct my Lord +High Treasurer to reimburse you for it?" + +"Don't mention it, your Majesty," replied Raleigh. "It only cost two and +six, and I have already sold it to an American collector for eight +thousand pounds." + + + + +COLLEGE GRADUATES + + +"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper +agent. + +"No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a few +times, but my son will be home from college in June." + + + + +COLLEGE STUDENTS + + +"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled +from college?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats +itself." + + +WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority houses. +We haven't made a nickel in two years. The Gas Co.--_Michigan +Gargoyle_. + + +FRESHMAN--"I have a sliver in my finger." + +SOP--"Been scratching your head?" + + +STUDE--"Do you smoke, professor?" + +PROF.--"Why, yes, I'm very fond of a good cigar." + +STUDE--"Do you drink, sir?" + +PROF.--"Yes, indeed, I enjoy nothing better than a bottle of wine." + +STUDE--"Gee, it's going to cost me something to pass this +course."--_Cornell Widow_. + + +Three boys from Yale, Princeton and Harvard were in a room when a lady +entered. The Yale boy asked languidly if some fellow ought not to give a +chair to the lady; the Princeton boy slowly brought one, and the Harvard +boy deliberately sat down in it.--_Life_. + + +A college professor was one day nearing the close of a history lecture +and was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in which he +delighted when the hour struck. The students immediately began to slam +down the movable arms of their lecture chairs and to prepare to leave. + +The professor, annoyed at the interruption of his flow of eloquence, +held up his hand: + +"Wait just one minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to cast." + + +When Rutherford B. Hayes was a student at college it was his custom to +take a walk before breakfast. + +One morning two of his student friends went with him. After walking a +short distance they met an old man with a long white beard. Thinking +that they would have a little fun at the old man's expense, the first +one bowed to him very gracefully and said: "Good morning, Father +Abraham." + +The next one made a low bow and said: "Good morning, Father Isaac." + +Young Hayes then made his bow and said: "Good morning Father Jacob." + +The old man looked at them a moment and then said: "Young men, I am +neither Abraham, Isaac nor Jacob. I am Saul, the son of Kish, and I am +out looking for my father's asses, and lo, I have found them." + + +A western college boy amused himself by writing stories and giving them +to papers for nothing. His father objected and wrote to the boy that he +was wasting his time. In answer the college lad wrote: + +"So, dad, you think I am wasting my time in writing for the local papers +and cite Johnson's saying that the man who writes, except for money, is +a fool. I shall act upon Doctor Johnson's suggestion and write for +money. Send me fifty dollars." + + +The president of an eastern university had just announced in chapel that +the freshman class was the largest enrolled in the history of the +institution. Immediately he followed the announcement by reading the +text for the morning: "Lord, how are they increased that trouble me!" + + +STUDE.--"Is it possible to confide a secret to you?" + +FRIEND--"Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave." + +STUDE--"Well, then, I have a pressing need for two bucks." + +FRIEND--"Do not worry. It is as if I had heard nothing." --_-Michigan +Gargoyle_. + + +"Why did you come to college, anyway? You are not studying," said the +Professor. + +"Well," said Willie, "I don't know exactly myself. Mother says it is to +fit me for the Presidency; Uncle Bill, to sow my wild oats; Sis, to get +a chum for her to marry, and Pa, to bankrupt the family." + + +A young Irishman at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote to his +uncle as follows: + + "Dear Uncle.--If you could see how I blush for shame while I + am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have + to ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express + myself. It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die. + I send you this by messenger, who will wait for an answer. + Believe me, my dearest uncle, your most obedient and + affectionate nephew. + + "P.S.--Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have + been running after the messenger in order to take the letter + from him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something + may happen to stop him, or that this letter may get lost." + +The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency. He +replied as follows: + + "My Dear Jack--Console yourself and blush no more. Providence + has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter. Your + affectionate uncle." + + +The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt +with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the +intervening time preparing for the final examinations. + +"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there +any questions to be asked?" + +Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired: + +"Who's the printer?" + + +It was Commencement Day at a well-known woman's college, and the father +of one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises. He +was presented to the president, who said, "I congratulate you, sir, upon +your extremely large and affectionate family." + +"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much surprised. + +"Yes, indeed," said the president. "No less than twelve of your +daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take her +driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the theater +at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are." + + +The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its +great scholars great men.--_O.W. Holmes_. + + +_See also_ Harvard university; Scholarship. + + + + +COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES + + + The college is a coy maid-- + She has a habit quaint + Of making eyes at millionaires + And winking at the taint. + + --_Judge_. + + +"What is a 'faculty'?" + +"A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape."--_Cornell Widow_. + + +Yale University is to have a ton of fossils. Whether for the faculty or +for the museums is not announced.--_The Atlanta Journal_. + + +FIRST TRUSTEE--"But this ancient institution of learning will fail +unless something is done." + +SECOND TRUSTEE--"True; but what can we do? We have already raised the +tuition until it is almost 1 per cent of the fraternity fees."--_Puck_. + + +The president of the university had dark circles under his eyes. His +cheek was pallid; his lips were trembling; he wore a hunted expression. + +"You look ill," said his wife. "What is wrong, dear?" + +"Nothing much," he replied. "But--I--I had a fearful dream last night, +and I feel this morning as if I--as if I--" It was evident that his +nervous system was shattered. + +"What was the dream?" asked his wife. + +"I--I--dreamed the trustees required that--that I should--that I should +pass the freshman examination for--admission!" sighed the president. + + + + +COMMON SENSE + + +A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town. +It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was +a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work +had been started, and seeing a man in the doorway, called to him: + +"What be ye doin' in this place?" + +"We are searching for a universal solvent--something that will dissolve +all things," said the chemist. + +"What good will thet be?" + +"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a solution of +iron, glass, gold--anything, all that we have to do is to drop it in +this solution." + +"Fine," said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it in?" + + + + +COMMUTERS + + +BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that +girl who lives in the suburbs?" + +GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have +transferred to a town girl." + + +"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked the +first commuter. + +"Yes," said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains. The old +brand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this new brand in a +second and a half." + + +After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands +with a young German. + +"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. "Yes," said the +German: "I take the 7:45 every morning."--_M.L. Hayward_. + + +A suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the blizzards +of 1894. Finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts to start it +again were futile. + +In the wee, small hours of the morning a weary commuter, numb from the +cold and the cramped position in which he had tried to sleep, crawled +out of the train and floundered through the heavy snow-drifts to the +nearest telegraph station. This is the message he handed to the +operator: + +"Will not be at office to-day. Not home yesterday yet." + + +A nervous commuter on his dark, lonely way home from the railroad +station heard footsteps behind him. He had an uncomfortable feeling that +he was being followed. He increased his speed. The footsteps quickened +accordingly. The commuter darted down a lane. The footsteps still +pursued him. In desperation he vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a +churchyard, threw himself panting on one of the graves. + +"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no doubt as +to his intentions." + +The man behind was following. He could hear him scrambling over the +fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs, garroters and the like flashed +through his brain. Quivering with fear, the nervous one arose and faced +his pursuer. + +"What do you want?" he demanded. "Wh-why are you following me?" + +"Say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go home like +this? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's and the man at the station told me to +follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking you, but is there +much more to do before we get there?" + + + + +COMPARISONS + + +A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last +season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat. + +"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd +look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk." + + +A well-known author tells of an English spinster who said, as she +watched a great actress writhing about the floor as Cleopatra: + +"How different from the home life of our late dear queen!" + + +"Darling," whispered the ardent suitor, "I lay my fortune at your feet." + +"Your fortune?" she replied in surprise. "I didn't know you had one." + +"Well, it isn't much of a fortune, but it will look large besides those +tiny feet." + + +"Girls make me tired," said the fresh young man. "They are always going +to palmists to have their hands read." + +"Indeed!" said she sweetly; "is that any worse than men going into +saloons to get their noses red?" + + +A friend once wrote Mark Twain a letter saying that he was in very bad +health, and concluding: "Is there anything worse than having toothache +and earache at the same time?" + +The humorist wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus's dance." + + +The Rev. Dr. William Emerson, of Boston, son of Ralph Waldo Emerson, +recently made a trip through the South, and one Sunday attended a +meeting in a colored church. The preacher was a white man, however, a +white man whose first name was George, and evidently a prime favorite +with the colored brethren. When the service was over Dr. Emerson walked +home behind two members of the congregation, and overheard this +conversation: "Massa George am a mos' pow'ful preacher." "He am dat." +"He's mos's pow'ful as Abraham Lincoln." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan +Lincoln." "He's mos' 's pow'ful as George Washin'ton." "Huh! He's mo' +pow'ful dan Washin'ton." "Massa George ain't quite as pow'ful as God." +"N-n-o, not quite. But he's a young man yet." + + +Is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that the +comparisons made between wit and wit, courage and courage, beauty and +beauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill taken?--_Cervantes_. + + + + +COMPENSATION + + +"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile +goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks +longer." + + + + +COMPETITION + + +A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the +pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new +baby she felt rather neglected. + +"How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon. + +"Oh, I'm all right," she said, "except that I think there is too much +competition in this world." + + +A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering +his fields. The very first day while he was trying it there suddenly +came a downpour of rain. He put away his machine. + +"It's no use," he said; "you can do nothing nowadays without +competition." + + + + +COMPLIMENTS + + +Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which +took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I saw +was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered. +The man who was struck ran and grabbed a large shovel he had been using +on the street, and rushed back, his eyes blazing fiercely. I thought +he'd surely knock the other man's brains out, and I stepped right in +between them." + +The young son of the family had become so hugely interested in the +narrative as it proceeded that he had stopped eating his pudding. So +proud was he of his father's valor, his eyes fairly shone, and he cried: + +"He couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, Father?" + +Father looked at him long and earnestly, but the lad's countenance was +frank and open. + +Father gasped slightly, and resumed his supper. + + +_See also_ Tact. + + + + +COMPOSERS + + +Recipe for the musical comedy composer: + + Librettos of all of the operas, + Some shears and a bottle of paste, + Curry the hits of last season, + Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste. + + --_Life_. + + + + +COMPROMISES + + +Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the +only people who had keys to that drawer." + +Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it." + + + + +CONFESSIONS + + +"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five +years?" + +"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_Puck_. + + +Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught +to report misdeeds promptly. One afternoon she came sobbing penitently +to her mother. + +"Mother, I--I broke a brick in the fireplace." + +"Well, it might be worse. But how on earth did you do it, Ethel?" + +"I pounded it with your watch." + + +"Confession is good for the soul." + +"Yes, but it's bad for the reputation." + + + + +CONGRESS + + +Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring +valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_. + + +"Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman, +"we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the class a certain miss whom I know +unconsciously puts us in. It was at a recent examination at her school +that the question was put, 'Who makes the laws of our government?' + +"'Congress,' was the united reply. + +"'How is Congress divided?' was the next query. + +"My young friend raised her hand. + +"'Well,' said the teacher, 'what do you say the answer is?' + +"Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the Miss +replied, 'Civilized, half civilized, and savage.'" + + + + +CONGRESSMEN + +It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen, +mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was a +scene of fairy splendor; but on one table there were no decorations but +palm leaves. + +"Here," said a congressman to the head waiter, "why don't you put them +things on our table too?" pointing to the plants. + +The head waiter didn't know he was a congressman. + +"We cain't do it, boss," he whispered confidentially; "dey's mostly +congressmen at 'dis table, an' if we put pa'ms on de table dey take um +for celery an' eat um all up sho. 'Deed dey would, boss. We knows 'em." + + +Representative X, from North Carolina, was one night awakened by his +wife, who whispered, "John, John, get up! There are robbers in the +house." + +"Robbers?" he said. "There may be robbers in the Senate, Mary; but not +in the House! It's preposterous!"--_John N. Cole, Jr_. + + +Champ Clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate Congressman +Johnson of Indiana called an Illinois representative a jackass. The +expression was unparliamentary, and in retraction Johnson said: + +"While I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, I must insist that +the gentleman from Illinois is out of order." + +"How am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois. + +"Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you," answered Johnson, and +that was parliamentary enough to stay on the record. + + +A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in New York. +When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of his stay, the +waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the Congressman tossed it +aside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and said, "Bring me a good +dinner." + +The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued this plan +during his entire stay in New York. As the last tip was given, he +mentioned that he was about to return to Washington. + +Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, said: + +"Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come to New +York, just ask for Dick." + + + + +CONSCIENCE + + +The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of +the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone. + +A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an +office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again. Yes, +there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer was sitting upon +the gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name that was lettered on +the window and then searched in the telephone book. Still keeping his +eye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up. In a +few moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver. + +"Yes," said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think you would +start." + +The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammer +something. + +"Yes," continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take that +arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to be plenty +of chairs in the room--" + +The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is to be +feared. "Who--who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed to splutter. + +"I," answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am your +conscience!" + + + A quiet conscience makes one so serene! + Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded + That all the Apostles would have done as they did. + + --_Byron_. + + + Oh, Conscience! Conscience! man's most faithful friend, + Him canst thou comfort, ease, relieve, defend; + But if he will thy friendly checks forego, + Thou art, oh! woe for me his deadliest foe! + + --_Crabbe_. + + + + +CONSEQUENCES + + +A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between +the words "results" and "consequences." + +A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences +are what you get." + + +Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible consequences, +quite apart from any fluctuations that went before--consequences that +are hardly ever confined to ourselves.--_George Eliot_. + + + + +CONSIDERATION + + +The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had +tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of +honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm. + +"Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said to his +host. "Whar did you git such a fine goose?" + +"Well, now, Pahson," replied the carver of the goose, exhibiting great +dignity and reticence, "when you preaches a speshul good sermon I never +axes you whar you got it. I hopes you will show me de same +considerashion." + + +A clergyman, who was summoned in haste by a woman who had been taken +suddenly ill, answered the call though somewhat puzzled by it, for he +knew that she was not of his parish, and was, moreover, known to be a +devoted worker in another church. While he was waiting to be shown to +the sick-room he fell to talking to the little girl of the house. + +"It is very gratifying to know that your mother thought of me in her +illness," said he, "Is your minister out of town?" + +"Oh, no," answered the child, in a matter-of-fact tone. "He's home; only +we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to take +any risks." + + + + +CONSTANCY + + +A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in +a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct +badges and money in the savings-bank. + +"Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a year +from today in the same frame of mind you shall marry. I'll keep the +vacancy." + +On the anniversary the soldier repeated his request. + +"But do you really, after a year, want to marry?" inquired the General +in a surprised tone. + +"Yes, sir; very much." + +"Sergeant-Major, take his name down. Yes, you may marry. I never +believed there was so much constancy in man or woman. Right face; quick +march!" + +As the man left the room, turning his head, he said, "Thank you, sir; +but it isn't the same woman." + + + + +CONTRIBUTION BOX + + + The parson looks it o'er and frets. + It puts him out of sorts + To see how many times he gets + A penny for his thoughts. + + --_J.J. O'Connell_. + + +There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled way +at the club guest. "You look like a man I've seen somewhere, Mr. +Blinker," he said. "Your face seems familiar. I fancy you have a double. +And a funny thing about it is that I remember I formed a strong +prejudice against the man who looks like you--although, I'm quite sure, +we never met." + +The little guest softly laughed. "I'm the man," he answered, "and I know +why you formed the prejudice. I passed the contribution plate for two +years in the church you attended." + + +The collections had fallen off badly in the colored church and the +pastor made a short address before the box was passed. + +"I don' want any man to gib mo' dan his share, bredern," he said gently, +"but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab. I say 'rightly +hab," bredern, because we don't want no tainted money in dis box. +'Squire Jones tol' me dat he done miss some chickens dis week. Now if +any of our bredern hab fallen by de wayside in connection wif dose +chickens let him stay his hand from de box. + +"Now, Deacon Smiff, please pass de box while I watch de signs an' see if +dere's any one in dis congregation dat needs me ter wrastle in prayer +fer him." + + +A newly appointed Scotch minister on his first Sunday of office had +reason to complain of the poorness of the collection. "Mon," replied one +of the elders, "they are close--vera close." + +"But," confidentially, "the auld meenister he put three or four +saxpenses into the plate hissel', just to gie them a start. Of course he +took the saxpenses awa' with him afterward." The new minister tried the +same plan, but the next Sunday he again had to report a dismal failure. +The total collection was not only small, but he was grieved to find that +his own sixpences were missing. "Ye may be a better preacher than the +auld meenister," exclaimed the elder, "but if ye had half the knowledge +o' the world, an' o' yer ain flock in particular, ye'd ha' done what he +did an' glued the saxpenses to the plate." + + +POLICE COMMISSIONER--"If you were ordered to disperse a mob, what would +you do?" + +APPLICANT--"Pass around the hat, sir." + +POLICE COMMISSIONER--"That'll do; you're engaged." + + +"I advertized that the poor were made welcome in this church," said the +vicar to his congregation, "and as the offertory amounts to ninety-five +cents, I see that they have come." + + +_See also_ Salvation. + + + + +CONUNDRUMS + + +"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm +and a conversation between two confidence men?" + +"Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it up." + +"Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is a skinning +theme." + + + + +CONVERSATION + + +"My dog understands every word I say." + +"Um." + +"Do you doubt it?" + +"No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he +bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it +perfectly." + + +THE TALL AND AGGRESSIVE ONE--"Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry! You've had +that phone twenty minutes and not said a word!" + +THE SHORT AND MEEK ONE--"Sir, I'm talking to my wife."--_Puck_. + + +HUS (during a quarrel)--"You talk like an idiot." + +WIFE--"I've got to talk so you can understand me." + + +Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping tour through New +England. He discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside rock. + +"Fine corn," said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, using a hillside filled +with straggling stalks as a means of breaking the conversational ice. + +"Best in Massachusetts," said the sitter. + +"How do you plow that field?" asked Mr. Bacheller. "It is so very +steep." + +"Don't plow it," said the sitter. "When the spring thaws come, the rocks +rolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant corn." + +"And how do you plant it?" asked Mr. Bacheller. The sitter said that he +didn't plant it, really. He stood in his back door and shot the seed in +with a shotgun. + +"Is that the truth?" asked Bacheller. + +"H--ll no," said the sitter, disgusted. "That's conversation." + + +Conversation is the laboratory and workshop of the student.--_Emerson_. + + +A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than +ten years' study of books.--_Longfellow_. + + + + +COOKERY + + +"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in +the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're +eating all my pies." + +"Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as they +don't die in the house?" + + +"This is certainly a modern cook-book in every way." + +"How so?" + +"It says: 'After mixing your bread, you can watch two reels at the +movies before putting it in the oven.'"--_Puck_. + + +There was recently presented to a newly-married young woman in Baltimore +such a unique domestic proposition that she felt called upon to seek +expert advice from another woman, whom she knew to possess considerable +experience in the cooking line. + +"Mrs. Jones," said the first mentioned young woman, as she breathlessly +entered the apartment of the latter, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I +must have your advice." + +"What is the trouble, my dear?" + +"Why, I've just had a 'phone message from Harry, saying that he is going +out this afternoon to shoot clay pigeons. Now, he's bound to bring a lot +home, and I haven't the remotest idea how to cook them. Won't you please +tell me?"--_Taylor Edwards_. + + +Heaven sends us good meat, but the devil sends us cooks.--_David +Garrick_. + + + + +COOKS + + +_See_ Servants. + + + + +CORNETS + + +Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on +Sunday would go to heaven. + +The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see why +he should not, but"--after a pause--"I doubt whether the man next door +will." + + + + +CORNS + + +Great aches from little toe-corns grow. + + + + +CORPULENCE + + +The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored +laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer. +Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales at +some three hundred pounds. + +"Missus," said the woman, "I'll do your washing, but I'se gwine ter +charge you double for your husband's shirts." + +"Why, what is your reason for that Nancy," questioned the mistress. + +"Well," said the laundress, "I don't mind washing fur an ordinary man, +but I draws de line on circus tents, I sho' do." + + +An employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell in love +with a handsome German girl. Upon his return to the works, he went to +Mr. Carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get married he would +like a little further time off. Mr. Carnegie appeared much interested. +"Tell me about her," he said. "Is she short or is she tall, slender, +willowy?" + +"Well, Mr. Carnegie," was the answer, "all I can say is that if I'd had +the rolling of her, I should have given her two or three more passes." + + +A very stout old lady, bustling through the park on a sweltering hot +day, became aware that she was being closely followed by a rough-looking +tramp. + +"What do you mean by following me in this manner?" she indignantly +demanded. The tramp slunk back a little. But when the stout lady resumed +her walk he again took up his position directly behind her. + +"See here," she exclaimed, wheeling angrily, "if you don't go away at +once I shall call a policeman!" + +The unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly. + +"For Heaven's sake, kind lady, have mercy an' don't call a policeman; +ye're the only shady spot in the whole park." + + +A jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked if he +had ever had any very narrow escapes. + +"Yes," he replied, his eyes twinkling; "once I fell off my boat at the +mouth of Bear Creek, and, although I'm an expert swimmer, I guess I'd be +there now if it hadn't been for my crew. You see the water was just deep +enough so's to be over my head when I tried to wade out, and just +shallow enough"--he gave his body an explanatory pat--"so that whenever +I tried to swim out I dragged bottom." + + +A very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the door +rose and said: "I will be one of three to give the lady a seat." + + +To our Fat Friends: May their shadows never grow less. + + +_See also_ Dancing. + + + + +COSMOPOLITANISM + + +Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New +York. + +"New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the +addition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell." + +He smiled and added: + +"Is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a New York cafe? In +the last one I visited, I saw a Portuguese, a German and an Italian, +dressed in English clothes and seated at a table of Spanish walnut, +lunching on Russian caviar, French rolls, Scotch salmon, Welsh rabbit, +Swiss cheese, Dutch cake and Malaga raisins. They drank China tea and +Irish whisky." + + + + +COST OF LIVING + + +"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?" +asked the careful mother. + +"I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs +boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like +that." + + +"Live within your income," was a maxim uttered by Mr. Carnegie on his +seventy-sixth birthday. This is easy; the difficulty is to live without +it.--_Satire_. + + +"You say your jewels were stolen while the family was at dinner?" + +"No, no! This is an important robbery. Our dinner was stolen while we +were putting on our jewels." + + +A grouchy butcher, who had watched the price of porterhouse steak climb +the ladder of fame, was deep in the throes of an unusually bad grouch +when a would-be customer, eight years old, approached him and handed him +a penny. + +"Please, mister, I want a cent's worth of sausage." + +Turning on the youngster with a growl, he let forth this burst of good +salesmanship: + +"Go smell o' the hook!" + + +TOM--"My pa is very religious. He always bows his head and says +something before meals." + +DICK--"Mine always says something when he sits down to eat, but he don't +bow his head." + +TOM--"What does he say?" + +DICK--"Go easy on the butter, kids, it's forty cents a pound." + + + + +COUNTRY LIFE + + +BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to the +country?" + +MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is there any one here who +would like to spend a day in the country?"--_Life_. + + +VISITOR--"You have a fine road leading from the station." + +SUBUBS--"That's the path worn by servant-girls." + + +_See also_ Commuters; Servants. + + + + +COURAGE + + +AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?" + +BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was." + +AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. And now tell +me what he did to you." + +BEATRICE--"He pulled out two of Willie's teeth!"--_Punch_. + + +He was the small son of a bishop, and his mother was teaching him the +meaning of courage. + +"Supposing," she said, "there were twelve boys in one bedroom, and +eleven got into bed at once, while the other knelt down to say his +prayers, that boy would show true courage." + +"Oh!" said the young hopeful. "I know something that would be more +courageous than that! Supposing there were twelve bishops in one +bedroom, and one got into bed without saying his prayers!" + + + Courage, the highest gift, that scorns to bend + To mean devices for a sordid end. + Courage--an independent spark from Heaven's bright throne, + By which the soul stands raised, triumphant, high, alone. + Great in itself, not praises of the crowd, + Above all vice, it stoops not to be proud. + Courage, the mighty attribute of powers above, + By which those great in war, are great in love. + The spring of all brave acts is seated here, + As falsehoods draw their sordid birth from fear. + + --_Farquhar_. + + + + +COURTESY + + +The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, to +make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his +acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight disfigurement, was very vain of +her personal appearance. His native politeness prompted him to gloss +over the defect, and, after a moment's reflection, he wrote among the +items of personal description: "Eyes dark, beautiful, tender, +expressive, but one of them missing." + + +Mrs. Taft, at a diplomatic dinner, had for a neighbor a distinguished +French traveler who boasted a little unduly of his nation's politeness. + +"We French," the traveler declared, "are the politest people in the +world. Every one acknowledges it. You Americans are a remarkable nation, +but the French excel you in politeness. You admit it yourself, don't +you?" + +Mrs. Taft smiled delicately. + +"Yes," she said. "That is our politeness." + + +Justice Moody was once riding on the platform of a Boston street car +standing next to the gate that protected passengers from cars coming on +the other track. A Boston lady came to the door of the car and, as it +stopped, started toward the gate, which was hidden from her by the man +standing before it. + +"Other side, lady," said the conductor. + +He was ignored as only a born-and-bred Bostonian can ignore a man. The +lady took another step toward the gate. + +"You must get off the other side," said the conductor. + +"I wish to get off on this side," came the answer, in tones that +congealed that official. Before he could explain or expostulate Mr. +Moody came to his assistance. + +"Stand to one side, gentlemen," he remarked quietly. "The lady wishes to +climb over the gate." + + + + +COURTS + + +One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn't +like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time when the Judge +ruled against "old Thad," the old man got up with scarlet face and +quivering lips and commenced tying up his papers as if to quit the +courtroom. + +"Do I understand, Mr. Stevens," asked the Judge, eying "old Thad" +indignantly, "that you wish to show your contempt for this court?" + +"No, sir; no, sir," replied "old Thad." "I don't want to show my +contempt, sir; I'm trying to conceal it." + + +"It's all right to fine me, Judge," laughed Barrowdale, after the +proceedings were over, "but just the same you were ahead of me in your +car, and if I was guilty you were too." + +"Ya'as, I know," said the judge with a chuckle, "I found myself guilty +and hev jest paid my fine into the treasury same ez you." + +"Bully for you!" said Barrowdale. "By the way, do you put these fines +back into the roads?" + +"No," said the judge. "They go to the trial jestice in loo o' sal'ry." + + +A stranger came into an Augusta bank the other day and presented a check +for which he wanted the equivalent in cash. + +"Have to be identified," said the clerk. + +The stranger took a bunch of letters from his pocket all addressed to +the same name as that on the check. + +The clerk shook his head. + +The man thought a minute and pulled out his watch, which bore the name +on its inside cover. + +Clerk hardly glanced at it. + +The man dug into his pockets and found one of those +"If-I-should-die-tonight-please-notify-my-wife" cards, and called the +clerk's attention to the description, which fitted to a T. + +But the clerk was still obdurate. + +"Those things don't prove anything," he said. "We've got to have the +word of a man that we know." + +"But, man, I've given you an identification that would convict me of +murder in any court in the land." + +"That's probably very true," responded the clerk, patiently, "but in +matters connected with the bank we have to be more careful." + + +_See also_ Jury; Witnesses. + + + + +COURTSHIP + + +"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first +girl you ever loved?" + +"Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met." + + + Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran + Fell in love with Maria McCann. + With a yell and a whoop + He cleared the front stoop + Just ahead of her papa's brogan. + + +SPOONLEIGH--"Does your sister always look under the bed?" + +HER LITTLE BROTHER--"Yes, and when you come to see her she always looks +under the sofa."--_J.J. O'Connell_. + + + There was a young man from the West, + Who loved a young lady with zest; + So hard did he press her + To make her say, "Yes, sir," + That he broke three cigars in his vest. + + +"I hope your father does not object to my staying so late," said Mr. +Stayput as the clock struck twelve. + +"Oh, dear, no," replied Miss Dabbs, with difficulty suppressing a yawn, +"He says you save him the expense of a night-watchman." + + + There was an old monk of Siberia, + Whose existence grew drearier and drearier; + He burst from his cell + With a hell of a yell, + And eloped with the Mother Superior. + + +It was scarcely half-past nine when the rather fierce-looking father of +the girl entered the parlor where the timid lover was courting her. The +father had his watch in his hand. + +"Young man," he said brusquely, "do you know what time it is?" + +"Y-y-yes sir," stuttered the frightened lover, as he scrambled out into +the hall; "I--I was just going to leave!" + +After the beau had made a rapid exit, the father turned to the girl and +said in astonishment: + +"What was the matter with that fellow? My watch has run down, and I +simply wanted to know the time." + + +"What were you and Mr. Smith talking about in the parlor?" asked her +mother. "Oh, we were discussing our kith and kin," replied the young +lady. + +The mother look dubiously at her daughter, whereupon her little brother, +wishing to help his sister, said: + +"Yeth they wath, Mother. I heard 'em. Mr. Thmith asked her for a kith +and she thaid, 'You kin.'" + + +During a discussion of the fitness of things in general some one asked: +"If a young man takes his best girl to the grand opera, spends $8 on a +supper after the performance, and then takes her home in a taxicab, +should he kiss her goodnight?" + +An old bachelor who was present growled: "I don't think she ought to +expect it. Seems to me he has done enough for her." + + +A young woman who was about to wed decided at the last moment to test +her sweetheart. So, selecting the prettiest girl she knew, she said to +her, though she knew it was a great risk. + +"I'll arrange for Jack to take you out tonight--a walk on the beach in +the moonlight, a lobster supper and all that sort of thing--and I want +you, in order to put his fidelity to the proof, to ask him for a kiss." + +The other girl laughed, blushed and assented. The dangerous plot was +carried out. Then the next day the girl in love visited the pretty one +and said anxiously: + +"Well, did you ask him?" + +"No, dear." + +"No? Why not?" + +"I didn't get a chance. He asked me first." + + +Uncle Nehemiah, the proprietor of a ramshackle little hotel in Mobile, +was aghast at finding a newly arrived guest with his arm around his +daughter's waist. + +"Mandy, tell that niggah to take his arm from around yo' wais'," he +indignantly commanded. + +"Tell him you'self," said Amanda. "He's a puffect stranger to me." + + +"Jack and I have parted forever." + +"Good gracious! What does that mean?" + +"Means that I'll get a five-pound box of candy in about an hour." + + + Here's to solitaire with a partner, + The only game in which one pair beats three of a kind. + + +_See also_ Love; Proposals. + + + + +COWARDS + + +Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house +the night before. + +"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the +bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out." + +"Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar's legs?" + +"No, my dear; my husband's legs. He heard the noise, too." + + +MRS. PECK--"Henry, what would you do if burglars broke into our house +some night?" + +MR. PECK (_valiantly_)--"Humph! I should keep perfectly cool, my dear." + +And when, a few nights later, burglars _did_ break in, Henry kept his +promise: he hid in the ice-box. + + +Johnny hasn't been to school long, but he already holds some peculiar +views regarding the administration of his particular room. + +The other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his usually +smiling face. + +"Why, Johnny," said his mother, "what's the matter?" + +"I ain't going to that old school no more," he fiercely announced. + +"Why, Johnny," said his mother reproachfully, "you mustn't talk like +that. What's wrong with the school?" + +"I ain't goin' there no more," Johnny replied; "an" it's because all th' +boys in my room is blamed old cowards!" + +"Why, Johnny, Johnny!" + +"Yes, they are. There was a boy whisperin' this mornin', an' teacher saw +him an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so many times. An' +those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor nothin'. They let +that old teacher bang th' head off th' poor little boy, an' they just +sat there an' seen her do it!" + +"And what did you do, Johnny?" + +"I didn't do nothin'--I was the boy!"--_Cleveland Plain Dealer_. + + +A negro came running down the lane as though the Old Boy were after him. + +"What are you running for, Mose?" called the colonel from the barn. + +"I ain't a-runnin' fo'," shouted back Mose. "I'se a-runnin' from!" + + + + +COWS + + +Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit +to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John. +A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited. + +"Oh, Cousin John, what is that?" he asked. + +"Why, that is only a cow," John replied. + +"And what are those things on her head?" + +"Horns," answered John. + +Before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud. + +Willie was astounded. Looking back, he demanded, in a very fever of +interest: + +"Which horn did she blow?" + + + There was an old man who said, "How + Shall I flee from this horrible cow? + I will sit on this stile + And continue to smile, + Which may soften the heart of that cow." + + + + +CRITICISM + + +FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that new +pianist's concert last night!" + +SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?" + +FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!" + + + As soon + Seek roses in December--ice in June, + Hope, constancy in wind, or corn in chaff; + Believe a woman or an epitaph, + Or any other thing that's false, before + You trust in critics. + + --_Byron_. + + +It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.--_Disraeli_. + + +_See also_ Dramatic criticism. + + + + +CRUELTY + + +"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase of +flowers." + +"I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A." + + + + +CUCUMBERS + + +Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does its +best fighting till it's down.--Stanford Chaparral. + + + + +CULTURE + + +_See_ Kultur. + + + + +CURFEW + + +A former resident of Marshall, Mo., was asking about the old town. + +"I understand they have a curfew law out there now," he said. + +"No," his informant answered, "they did have one, but they abandoned +it." + +"What was the matter?" + +"Well, the bell rang at 9 o'clock, and almost everyone complained that +it woke them up." + + + + +CURIOSITY + + +The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a +woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and +fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was +suspended in mid-air. The minister noticed her undignified position and +thundered at the congregation: + +"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck +stone-blind." + +A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who dreaded +the clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion and said: + +"I'm going to risk one eye." + + +A one-armed man entered a restaurant at noon and seated himself next to +a dapper little other-people's-business man. The latter at once noticed +his neighbor's left sleeve hanging loose and kept eying it in a +how-did-it-happen sort of a way. The one-armed man paid no attention to +him but kept on eating with his one hand. Finally the inquisitive one +could stand it no longer. He changed his position a little, cleared his +throat, and said: "I beg pardon, sir, but I see you have lost an arm." + +The one-armed man picked up his sleeve with his right hand and peered +anxiously into it. "Bless my soul!" he exclaimed, looking up with great +surprise. "I do believe you're right." + + +_See also_ Wives. + + + + +CYCLONES + + +_See_ Windfalls. + + + + +DACHSHUNDS + + +A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his +mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial +conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?" + +"Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad. + +"Where is he?" questioned the dominic, knowing the way to a boy's heart. + +"Father sends him away for the winter. He says it takes him so long to +go in and out of the door he cools the whole house off." + + + + +DAMAGES + + +A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty, +accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs. +Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion. + +When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Delehanty's troubles, the +lawyer said: + +"You want to get damages, I suppose?" + +"Damages! Damages!" came in shrill tones from Mrs. Delehanty. "Haven't I +got damages enough already, man? What I'm after is satisfaction." + + +A Chicago man who was a passenger on a train that met with an accident +not far from that city tells of a curious incident that he witnessed in +the car wherein he was sitting. + +Just ahead of him were a man and his wife. Suddenly the train was +derailed, and went bumping down a steep hill. The man evinced signs of +the greatest terror; and when the car came to a stop he carefully +examined himself to learn whether he had received any injury. After +ascertaining that he was unhurt, he thought of his wife and damages. + +"Are you hurt, dear?" he asked. + +"No, thank Heaven!" was the grateful response. + +"Look here, then," continued hubby, "I'll tell you what we'll do. You +let me black your eye, and we'll soak the company good for damages! It +won't hurt you much. I'll give you just one good punch." _--Howard +Morse_. + + +Up in Minnesota Mr. Olsen had a cow killed by a railroad train. In due +season the claim agent for the railroad called. + +"We understand, of course, that the deceased was a very docile and +valuable animal," said the claim agent in his most persuasive +claim-agentlemanly manner "and we sympathize with you and your family in +your loss. But, Mr. Olsen, you must remember this: Your cow had no +business being upon our tracks. Those tracks are our private property +and when she invaded them, she became a trespasser. Technically +speaking, you, as her owner, became a trespasser also. But we have no +desire to carry the issue into court and possibly give you trouble. Now +then, what would you regard as a fair settlement between you and the +railroad company?" + +"Vail," said Mr. Olsen slowly, "Ay bane poor Swede farmer, but Ay shall +give you two dollars." + + + + +DANCING + + +He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so his +friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final? + +"Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I still love it, and I've +merely stopped until I can find a concave lady for a partner." + + +George Bernard Shaw was recently entertained at a house party. While the +other guests were dancing, one of the onlookers called Mr. Shaw's +attention to the awkward dancing of a German professor. + +"Really horrid dancing, isn't it, Mr. Shaw?" + +G.B.S. was not at a loss for the true Shavian response. "Oh that's not +dancing" he answered. "That's the New Ethical Movement!" + + +On a journey through the South not long ago, Wu Ting Fang was impressed +by the preponderance of negro labor in one of the cities he visited. +Wherever the entertainment committee led him, whether to factory, store +or suburban plantation, all the hard work seemed to be borne by the +black men. + +Minister Wu made no comment at the time, but in the evening when he was +a spectator at a ball given in his honor, after watching the waltzing +and two-stepping for half an hour, he remarked to his host: + +"Why don't you make the negroes do that for you, too?" + + + If they had danced the tango and the trot + In days of old, there is no doubt we'd find + The poet would have written--would he not?-- + "On with the dance, let joy be unrefined!" + + --_J.J. O'Connell_. + + + + +DEAD BEATS + + +See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts. + + + + +DEBTS + + +A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Two +friends, who were on their way to California, were among the passengers. + +"Here's where we lose all our money," one said, as a robber entered the +car. + +"You don't think they'll take everything, do you?" the other asked +nervously. + +"Certainly," the first replied. "These fellows never miss anything." + +"That will be terrible," the second friend said. "Are you quite sure +they won't leave us any money?" he persisted. + +"Of course," was the reply. "Why do you ask?" + +The other was silent for a minute. Then, taking a fifty-dollar note from +his pocket, he handed it to his friend. + +"What is this for?" the first asked, taking the money. + +"That's the fifty dollars I owe you," the other answered. "Now we're +square."--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_. + + +WILLIS--"He calls himself a dynamo." + +GILLIS--"No wonder; everything he has on is charged."--_Judge_. + + + Anticipated rents, and bills unpaid, + Force many a shining youth into the shade, + Not to redeem his time, but his estate, + And play the fool, but at the cheaper rate. + + --_Cowper_. + + +I hold every man a debtor to his profession.--_Bacon_. + + + + +DEER + + + "The deer's a mighty useful beast + From Petersburg to Tennyson + For while he lives he lopes around + And when he's dead he's venison." + + --_Ellis Parker Butler_. + + + + +DEGREES + + + A young theologian named Fiddle + Refused to accept his degree; + "For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle, + Without being Fiddle D.D." + + + + +DEMOCRACY + + +"Why are you so vexed, Irma?" + +"I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social Equality +League, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the audacity to call me +to order three times."--_M. L. Hayward_. + + +_See also_ Ancestry. + + + + +DEMOCRATIC PARTY + + +HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward +or a--" + +MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic." + + + + +DENTISTRY + + +Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and +there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and he +held out a baby tooth. + +"How did you pull it?" demanded his mother. + +"Oh," he said bravely, "it was easy enough. I just fell down, and the +whole world came up and pushed it out." + + + + +DENTISTS + + +The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain +employment for his own. + + +One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That +night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to +hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our +dentists."--_Everybody's_. + + +One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade, because his +trade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man +gets his living.--_Haglitt_. + + + + +DESCRIPTION + + +A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowy +figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must have been +raised in the lumber regions.--_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_. + + + + +DESIGN, DECORATIVE + + +Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace +she had just crocheted. + +"Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned. + +"Out of my head," she answered lightly. + +"Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked anxiously.--_C. Hilton +Turvey_. + + + + +DESTINATION + + +A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, has +succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitement +to the names of the national capitol's streets. On a recent Sunday +morning he was calling the streets thus: + +"Haitch!" + +"High!" + +"Jay!" + +"Kay!" + +"Hell!" + +At this point three prim ladies picked up their prayer-books and left +the car.--_Lippincott's Magazine_. + + +Andrew Lang once invited a friend to dinner when he was staying in +Marlowe's road, Earl's Court, a street away at the end of that long +Cromwell road, which seems to go on forever. The guest was not very +sure how to get there, so Lang explained: + +"Walk right' along Cromwell road," he said, "till you drop dead and my +house is just opposite!" + + + + +DETAILS + + +Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the +importance of detail. + +"Those who work for me," he said, "follow my directions down to the very +smallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often to go +altogether wrong--like the dissipated husband. + +"A dissipated husband as he stood before his house in the small hours +searching for his latchkey, muttered to himself: + +"'Now which did my wife say--hic--have two whishkies an' get home by 12, +or--hic--have twelve whishkies an' get home by 2?'" + + + + +DETECTIVES + + +When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly +recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the great +literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully: + +"If you please, sir, I should much prefer a ticket to your lecture. If +you should have none with you a visiting-card penciled by yourself would +do." + +Conan Doyle laughed. + +"Tell me," he said, "how did you know who I was, and I will give you +tickets for your whole family." + +"Thank you sir," was the reply. "Why, we all knew--that is, all the +members of the Cabmen's Literary Guild knew--that you were coming by +this train. I happen to be the only member on duty at the station this +morning. If you will excuse personal remarks your coat lapels are badly +twisted downward where they have been grasped by the pertinacious New +York reporters. Your hair has the Quakerish cut of a Philadelphia +barber, and your hat, battered at the brim in front, shows where you +have tightly grasped it in the struggle to stand your ground at a +Chicago literary luncheon. Your right overshoe has a large block of +Buffalo mud just under the instep, the odor of a Utica cigar hangs about +your clothing, and the overcoat itself shows the slovenly brushing of +the porters of the through sleepers from Albany, and stenciled upon the +very end of the 'Wellington' in fairly plain lettering is your name, +'Conan Doyle.'" + + + + +DETERMINATION + + +After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said to +have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democratic merchant: + +MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead." + +BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's gone at last." + +MERCHANT (_not appreciating the shrug_)--"Well, sir, he was a good man." + +BROKER (_with shrug more pronounced_)--"I don't know about that." + +MERCHANT (_energetically_)--"He was a good man, sir. If any man has +gone to heaven, General Jackson has gone to heaven." + +BROKER (_doggedly_)--"I don't know about that." + +MERCHANT--"Well, sir, I tell you that if Andrew Jackson had made up his +mind to go to heaven, you may depend upon it he's there." + + + + +DIAGNOSIS + + +An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and +was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned +to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written: + +"This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plain +fit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice." + + + + +DIET + + +Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet.--_William Gilmore +Beymer_. + + + There was a young lady named Perkins, + Who had a great fondness for gherkins; + She went to a tea + And ate twenty-three, + Which pickled her internal workin's. + + +"Mother," asked the little one, on the occasion of a number of guests +being present at dinner, "will the dessert hurt me, or is there enough +to go round?" + + +The doctor told him he needed carbohydrates, proteids, and above all, +something nitrogenous. The doctor mentioned a long list of foods for him +to eat. He staggered out and wabbled into a Penn avenue restaurant. + +"How about beefsteak?" he asked the waiter. "Is that nitrogenous?" + +The waiter didn't know. + +"Are fried potatoes rich in carbohydrates or not?" + +The waiter couldn't say. + +"Well, I'll fix it," declared the poor man in despair. "Bring me a large +plate of hash." + + + A Colonel, who used to assert + That naught his digestion could hurt, + Was forced to admit + That his weak point was hit + When they gave him hot shot for dessert. + + +To abstain that we may enjoy is the epicurianism of reason.--_Rousseau_. + + +They are as sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve with +nothing.--_Shakespeare_. + + + + +DILEMMAS + + +A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate +supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in every +political "heated term." + +Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of the +western mountains, two hardy prospectors fell in with a bull bison that +seemed to have been separated from his kind and run amuck. One of the +prospectors took to the branches of a tree and the other dived into a +cave. The buffalo bellowed at the entrance to the cavern and then turned +toward the tree. Out came the man from the cave, and the buffalo took +after him again. The man made another dive for the hole. After this had +been repeated several times, the man in the tree called to his comrade, +who was trembling at the mouth of the cavern: + +"Stay in the cave, you idiot!" + +"You don't know nothing about this hole," bawled the other. "There's a +bear in it!" + + + + +DINING + + +A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic +marathon.--_John E. Rosser_. + + +"That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, turn +over, and do such queer stunts." + +"I am not surprised; he never did have good table manners." + + +"Chakey, Chakey," called the big sister as she stood in the doorway and +looked down the street toward the group of small boys: "Chakey, come in +alreaty and eat youseself. Maw she's on the table and Paw he's half et." + + + There was a young lady of Cork, + Whose Pa made a fortune in pork; + He bought for his daughter + A tutor who taught her + To balance green peas on her fork. + + +An anecdote about Dr. Randall Davidson, bishop of Winchester, is that +after an ecclesiastical function, as the clergy were trooping in to +luncheon, an unctuous archdeacon observed: "This is the time to put a +bridle on our appetites!" + +"Yes," replied the bishop, "this is the time to put a bit in our +mouths!"--_Christian Life_. + + + There was a young lady named Maud, + A very deceptive young fraud; + She never was able + To eat at the table, + But out in the pantry--O Lord! + + +"Father's trip abroad did him so much good," said the self-made man's +daughter. "He looks better, feels better, and as for appetite--honestly, +it would just do your heart good to hear him eat!" + + +Whistler, the artist, was one day invited to dinner at a friend's house +and arrived at his destination two hours late. + +"How extraordinary!" he exclaimed, as he walked into the dining-room +where the company was seated at the table; "really, I should think you +might have waited a bit--why, you're just like a lot of pigs with your +eating!" + + + A macaroon, + A cup of tea, + An afternoon, + Is all that she + Will eat; + She's in society. + + But let me take + This maiden fair + To some cafe, + And, then and there, + She'll eat the whole + Blame bill of fare. + + --_The Mystic Times_. + + +The small daughter of the house was busily setting the tables for +expected company when her mother called to her: + +"Put down three forks at each place, dear." + +Having made some observations on her own account when the expected +guests had dined with her mother before, she inquired thoughtfully: + +"Shall I give Uncle John three knives?" + + +For a man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than he does +of his dinner--_Samuel Johnson_. + + + +DIPLOMACY + + +WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home." + +HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The one +with the soulful eyes and--" + +WIFE--"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done, +dear. On second thought, I won't bother you." + + +Scripture tells us that a soft answer turneth away wrath. A witty +repartee sometimes helps one immensely also. + +When Richard Olney was secretary of state he frequently gave expression +to the opinion that appointees to the consular service should speak the +language of the countries to which they were respectively accredited. It +is said that when a certain breezy and enterprising western politician +who was desirous of serving the Cleveland administration in the capacity +of consul of the Chinese ports presented his papers to Mr. Olney, the +secretary remarked: + +"Are you aware, Mr. Blank, that I never recommend to the President the +appointment of a consul unless he speaks the language of the country to +which he desires to go? Now, I suppose you do not speak Chinese?" + +Whereupon the westerner grinned broadly. "If, Mr. Secretary," said he, +"you will ask me a question in Chinese, I shall be happy to answer it." +He got the appointment. + + +"Miss de Simpson," said the young secretary of legation, "I have opened +negotiations with your father upon the subject of--er--coming to see you +oftener, with a view ultimately to forming an alliance, and he has +responded favorably. May I ask if you will ratify the arrangement, as a +_modus vivendi?_" + +"Mr. von Harris," answered the daughter of the eminent diplomat, "don't +you think it would have been a more graceful recognition of my +administrative entity if you had asked me first?" + + + I call'd the devil and he came, + And with wonder his form did I closely scan; + He is not ugly, and is not lame, + But really a handsome and charming man. + A man in the prime of life is the devil, + Obliging, a man of the world, and civil; + A diplomatist too, well skill'd in debate, + He talks quite glibly of church and state. + + --_Heine_. + + + + +DISCIPLINE + + +_See_ Military discipline; Parents. + + + + +DISCOUNTS + + +A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets +of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a traveling +salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished out $200, but +rapidly took $4 from the pile and placed it in his vest pocket. + +"What do you mean by that?" asked the robber, as he toyed with his +revolver. Hurriedly came the answer: "Mine frent, you surely vould not +refuse me two per zent discount on a strictly cash transaction like +dis?" + + + + +DISCRETION + + +When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club. + + + + +DISPOSITION + + +One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to +animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing of +a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" he +wrote: "Kind and gentle." + +There was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered. He was +always cross. + + + + +DISTANCES + + +A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling +prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and +the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next +town. + +A rancher rode past. + +"Say, friend," called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next +town?" + +"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. +Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered. + +"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly. + +"Oh, a good two miles." + +A weary half-hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. + +"Hey, how far's the next town?" + +"Not far," was the encouraging answer. "Only about two miles." + +"Well," sighed an optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holdin' our +own, anyhow!" + + + + +DIVORCE + + +"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week +what would you call it?" + +"Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_. + + + + +DOGS + + +LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The +poor little darling, where did you find him?" + +TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the +windows wiv 'im!" + + +A family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were told that +they should get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So they +bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a neighboring +dog fancier, who was a German. Shortly afterward the house was entered +by burglars who made a good haul, while the big dog slept. The man went +to the dog fancier and told him about it. + +"Veil, vat you need now," said the dog merchant, "is a leedle dog to +vake up the big dog." + + + "Dogs is mighty useful beasts + They might seem bad at first + They might seem worser right along + But when they're dead + They're wurst." + + --_Ellis Parker Butler_. + + +"My dog took first prize at the cat show." + +"How was that?" + +"He took the cat."--_Judge_. + + +FAIR VISITOR--"Why are you giving Fido's teeth such a thorough +brushing?" + +FOND MISTRESS--"Oh! The poor darling's just bitten some horrid person, +and, really, you know, one can't be too careful."--_Life_. + + +"Do you know that that bulldog of yours killed my wife's little +harmless, affectionate poodle?" + +"Well, what are you going to do about it?" + +"Would you be offended if I was to present him with a nice brass +collar?" + + + Fleshy Miss Muffet + Sat down on Tuffet, + A very good dog in his way; + When she saw what she'd done, + She started to run-- + And Tuffet was buried next day. + + --_L.T.H_. + + +William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R. +I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog +ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kicked +the animal halfway across the tracks, and was immediately confronted by +the owner, who demanded an explanation in language more forcible than +courteous. + +"Why," said Stevens when the other paused for breath, "your dog's mad." + +"Mad! Mad! You double-dyed blankety-blank fool, he ain't mad!" + +"Oh, ain't he?" cut in Stevens. "Gosh! I should be if any one kicked me +like that!" + + +One would have it that a collie is the most sagacious of dogs, while the +other stood up for the setter. + +"I once owned a setter," declared the latter, "which was very +intelligent. I had him on the street one day, and he acted so queerly +about a certain man we met that I asked the man his name, and--" + +"Oh, that's an old story!" the collie's advocate broke in sneeringly. +"The man's name was Partridge, of course, and because of that the dog +came to a set. Ho, ho! Come again!" + +"You're mistaken," rejoined the other suavely. "The dog didn't come +quite to a set, though almost. As a matter of fact, the man's name was +Quayle, and the dog hesitated on account of the spelling!"--_P. R. +Benson_. + + +The more one sees of men the more one likes dogs. + + +_See also_ Dachshunds. + + + + +DOMESTIC FINANCE + + +"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist +himself." + +"As to how?" + +"Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found it out +yet."--_Washington Herald_. + + +A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her little boy the story of a +young lad whose father was taken ill and died, after which he set +himself diligently to work to support himself and his mother. When she +had finished her story she said: + +"Dear Billy, if your papa were to die, would you work to support your +dear mamma?" + +"Naw!" said Billy unexpectedly. + +"But why not?" + +"Ain't we got a good house to live in?" + +"Yes, dearie, but we can't eat the house, you know." + +"Ain't there a lot o' stuff in the pantry?" + +"Yes, but that won't last forever." + +"It'll last till you git another husband, won't it? You're a pretty good +looker, ma!" + +Mamma gave up right there. + + +"I am sending you a thousand kisses," he wrote to his fair young wife +who was spending her first month away from him. Two days later he +received the following telegram: "Kisses received. Landlord refuses to +accept any of them on account." Then he woke up and forwarded a check. + + +_See also_ Trouble. + + + + +DOMESTIC RELATIONS + + + There was a young man of Dunbar, + Who playfully poisoned his Ma; + When he'd finished his work, + He remarked with a smirk, + "This will cause quite a family jar." + + +_See also_ Families; Marriage. + + + + +DRAMA + + +The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the +second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity.--_Eugene +Walter_. + + +The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't having a +good time. He cared nothing for the Shakespearean drama. + +"What's the greatest play you ever saw?" the young woman asked, +observing his abstraction. + +Instantly he brightened. + +"Tinker touching a man out between second and third and getting the ball +over to Chance in time to nab the runner to first!" he said. + + +LARRY--"I like Professor Whatishisname in Shakespeare. He brings things +home to you that you never saw before." + +HARRY--"Huh! I've got a laundryman as good as that." + + +I think I love and reverence all arts equally, only putting my own just +above the others.... To me it seems as if when God conceived the world, +that was Poetry; He formed it, and that was Sculpture; He colored it, +and that was Painting; He peopled it with living beings, and that was +the grand, divine, eternal Drama.--_Charlotte Cushman_. + + +Two women were leaving the theater after a performance of "The Doll's +House." + +"Oh, don't you _love_ Ibsen?" asked one, ecstatically. "Doesn't he just +take all the hope out of life?" + + + + +DRAMATIC CRITICISM + + +Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism. + +"I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard in the +lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the play." + +"The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, which was for his +wife's ears alone, consisted of these words: + +"'Well, you would come!'" + + +Nat Goodwin, the American comedian, when at the Shaftesbury Theatre, +London, told of an experience he once had with a juvenile deadhead in a +town in America. Standing outside the theater a little time before the +performance was due to begin he observed a small boy with an anxious, +forlorn look on his face and a weedy-looking pup in his arms. + +Goodwin inquired what was the matter, and was told that the boy wished +to sell the dog so as to raise the price of a seat in the gallery. The +actor suspected at once a dodge to secure a pass on the "sympathy +racket," but allowing himself to be taken in he gave the boy a pass. The +dog was deposited in a safe place and the boy was able to watch Goodwin +as the Gilded Fool from a good seat in the gallery. Next day Goodwin saw +the boy again near the theater, so he asked: + +"Well, sonny, how did you like the show?" + +"I'm glad I didn't sell my dog," was the reply. + + + + +DRAMATISTS + + +"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards." + +"Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snow +storm scene." + + +"So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" remarked the +tourist. + +"Yes," replied the manager of the Frozen Dog Opera House. "He's got a +five-mile start and I don't think the boys kin ketch him."--_Life_. + + +We all know the troubles of a dramatist are many and varied. + +Here's an advertisement taken from a morning paper that shows to what a +pass a genius may come in a great city: + +"Wanted--A collaborator, by a young playwright. The play is already +written; collaborator to furnish board and bed until play is produced." + + + + +DRESSMAKERS + + +WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter." + +HUSBAND--"What letter?" + +WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the +writing, and you turned pale when you saw it." + +HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill." + + + + +DRINKING + + + He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober, + Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October; + But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow, + Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow. + + --_Parody on Fletcher_. + + + +I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no +occasion.--_Cervantes_. + +I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could wish courtesy +would invent some other custom of entertainment.--_Shakespeare_. + + + The Frenchman loves his native wine; + The German loves his beer; + The Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf, + Because it brings good cheer; + The Irishman loves his "whiskey straight," + Because it gives him dizziness; + The American has no choice at all, + So he drinks the whole blamed business. + + +A young Englishman came to Washington and devoted his days and nights to +an earnest endeavor to drink all the Scotch whiskey there was. He +couldn't do it, and presently went to a doctor, complaining of a +disordered stomach. + +"Quit drinking!" ordered the doctor. + +"But, my dear sir, I cawn't. I get so thirsty." + +"Well," said the doctor, "whenever you are thirsty eat an apple instead +of taking a drink." + +The Englishman paid his fee and left. He met a friend to whom he told +his experience. + +"Bally rot!" he protested. "Fawncy eating forty apples a day!" + + +If you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you think is +wholesome, you may say "you wish you could, but so little makes you both +drunk and sick; that you should only be bad company by doing so."--_Lord +Chesterfield_. + + +There is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the slip.--_Judge_. + + +One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year's +resolution.--_Life_. + + +DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink." + +SANDY (with brightening face)--"Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor! Anything +you've got with ye." + + + Here's to the girls of the American shore, + I love but one, I love no more, + Since she's not here to drink her part, + I'll drink her share with all my heart. + + +A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine recently, +when news reached him of an addition to his family circle. The happy +father immediately provided himself with some water from the Jordan to +carry home for the christening of the infant, and returned to Scotland. + +On the Sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly presented himself at +the church, and sought out the beadle in order to hand over the precious +water to his care. He pulled the flask from his pocket, but the beadle +held up a warning hand, and came nearer to whisper: + +"No the noo, sir; no the noo! Maybe after the kirk's oot!" + + +When President Eliot of Harvard was in active service as head of the +university, reports came to him that one of his young charges was in the +habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him, and President +Eliot determined to do his duty and look into the matter. + +Meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly after +breakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded, "Young +man, do you drink?" + +"Why, why, why," stammered the young man, "why, President Eliot, not so +early in the morning, thank you." + + +WIFE (on auto tour)--"That fellow back there said there is a road-house +a few miles down the road. Shall we stop there?" + +HUSBAND--"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?" + + +A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish +parishioners to get a shave. He observed the barber was suffering from a +recent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few moments the +barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek. "There, Pat, you have cut +me," said the priest as he raised his hand and caressed the wound. "Yis, +y'r riv'rance," answered the barber. "That shows you," continued the +priest, in a tone of censure, "what the use of liquor will do." "Yis, +y'r riv'rance," replied the barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender." + + +Ex-congressman Asher G. Caruth, of Kentucky, tells this story of an +experience he once had on a visit to a little Ohio town. + +"I went up there on legal business," he says, "and, knowing that I +should have to stay all night, I proceeded directly to the only hotel. +The landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a kindly air as +I registered. It seems that he was a little hard of hearing, a fact of +which I was not aware. As I jabbed the pen back into the dish of bird +shot, I said: + +"'Can you direct me to the bank?' + +"He looked at me blankly for a second, then swinging the register +around, he glanced down swiftly, caught the 'Louisville' after my name, +and an expression of complete understanding lighting up his countenance, +he said: + +"'Certainly, sir. You will find the bar right through that door at the +left.'" + + +_See also_ Drunkards; Good fellowship; Temperance; Wine. + + + + +DROUGHTS + + +Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona, +noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country. + +"Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives. + +"Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's bullfrogs in +this yere town over five years old that hain't learned to swim yet!" + + + + +DRUNKARDS + + + Sing a song of sick gents, + Pockets full of rye, + Four and twenty highballs, + We wish that we might die. + + +Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out +nearly all night. + +"Don't your wife miss you on these occasions?" asked one. + +"Not often," replied the other; "she throws pretty straight." + + +"Where's old Four-Fingered Pete?" asked Alkali Ike. "I ain't seen him +around here since I got back." + +"Pete?" said the bartender. "Oh, he went up to Hyena Tongue and got +jagged. Went up to a hotel winder, stuck his head in and hollered +'Fire!' and everybody did." + + +The Irish talent for repartee has an amusing illustration in Lord +Rossmore's recent book "Things I Can Tell." While acting as magistrate +at an Irish village, Lord Rossmore said to an old offender brought +before him: "You here again?" "Yes, your honor." "What's brought you +here?" "Two policemen, your honor." "Come, come, I know that--drunk +again, I suppose?" "Yes, your honor, both of them." + + +The colonel came down to breakfast New Year's morning with a bandaged +hand. + +"Why, colonel, what's the matter?" they asked. + +"Confound it all!" the colonel answered, "we had a little party last +night, and one of the younger men got intoxicated and stepped on my +hand." + + +MAGISTRATE--"And what was the prisoner doing?" + +CONSTABLE--"E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab driver, yer +worship." + +MAGISTRATE--"But that doesn't prove he was drunk." + +CONSTABLE--"Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer worship." + + +A Scotch minister and his servant, who were coming home from a wedding, +began to consider the state into which their potations at the wedding +feast had left them. + +"Sandy," said the minister, "just stop a minute here till I go ahead. +Maybe I don't walk very steady and the good wife might remark something +not just right." + +He walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then asked: + +"How is it? Am I walking straight?" + +"Oh, ay," answered Sandy thickly, "ye're a' recht--but who's that who's +with ye." + + +A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most +vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman. + +"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one. + +"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I know +she'sh home all right--I shee a light upshtairs." + + +A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful brow +boarded a New York elevated train and took the only unoccupied seat. The +man next him had evidently been drinking. For a while the little man +contented himself with merely sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor, +but finally he summoned the guard. + +"Conductor," he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken people to +ride upon this train?" + +"No, sir," replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But don't say a +word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me I'd never have +noticed ye." + + +A noisy bunch tacked out of their club late one night, and up the +street. They stopped in front of an imposing residence. After +considerable discussion one of them advanced and pounded on the door. A +woman stuck her head out of a second-story window and demanded, none too +sweetly: "What do you want?" + +"Ish thish the residence of Mr. Smith?" inquired the man on the steps, +with an elaborate bow. + +"It is. What do you want?" + +"Ish it possible I have the honor of speakin' to Misshus Smith?" + +"Yes. What do you want?" + +"Dear Misshus Smith! Good Misshus Smith! Will you--hic--come down an' +pick out Mr. Smith? The resh of us want to go home." + + +That clever and brilliant genius, McDougall, who represented California +in the United States Senate, was like many others of his class somewhat +addicted to fiery stimulants, and unable to battle long with them +without showing the effect of the struggle. Even in his most exhausted +condition he was, however, brilliant at repartee; but one night, at a +supper of journalists given to the late George D. Prentice, a genius of +the same mold and the same unfortunate habit, he found a foeman worthy +of his steel in General John Cochrane. McDougall had taken offense at +some anti-slavery sentiments which had been uttered--it was in war +times--and late in the evening got on his legs for the tenth time to +make a reply. The spirit did not move him to utterance, however; on the +contrary, it quite deprived him of the power of speech; and after an +ineffectual attempt at speech he suddenly concluded: + +"Those are my sentiments, sir, and my name's McDougall." + +"I beg the gentleman's pardon," said General Cochrane, springing to his +feet; "but what was that last remark?" + +McDougall pronounced it again; "my name's McDougall." + +"There must be some error," said Cochrane, gravely. "I have known Mr. +McDougall many years, and there never was a time when as late as twelve +o'clock at night he knew what his name was." + + +On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old German and his youngest son were +seated in the village inn. The father had partaken liberally of the +home-brewed beer, and was warning his son against the evils of +intemperance. "Never drink too much, my son. A gentleman stops when he +has enough. To be drunk is a disgrace." + +"Yes, Father, but how can I tell when I have enough or am drunk?" + +The old man pointed with his finger. "Do you see those two men sitting +in the corner? If you see four men there, you would be drunk." + +The boy looked long and earnestly. "Yes, Father, but--but--there is only +one man in that corner."--_W. Karl Hilbrich_. + + +William R. Hearst, who never touches liquor, had several men in +important positions on his newspapers who were not strangers to +intoxicants. Mr. Hearst has a habit of appearing at his office at +unexpected times and summoning his chiefs of departments for +instructions. One afternoon he sent for Mr. Blank. + +"He hasn't come down yet, sir," reported the office boy. + +"Please tell Mr. Dash I want to see him." + +"He hasn't come down yet either." + +"Well, find Mr. Star or Mr. Sun or Mr. Moon--anybody; I want to see one +of them at once." + +"Ain't none of 'em here yet, sir. You see there was a celebration last +night and--" + +Mr. Hearst sank back in his chair and remarked in his quiet way: + +"For a man who don't drink I think I suffer more from the effects of it +than anybody in the world." + + +"What is a drunken man like, Fool?" + +"Like a drowned man, a fool and a madman: one draught above heat makes +him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him."--_Shakespeare_. + + + + +DYSPEPSIA + + +"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia." + +"And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look +healthy enough." + +"Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has." + + + + +ECHOES + + +An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of +the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor, +produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned +clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the +Yankee exclaimed: + +"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country." + +"Oh, I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. Why +in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out of my +window and call out, 'Time to get up: wake up!' and eight hours +afterward the echo comes back and wakes me." + + + + +ECONOMY + + +An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some +other person's expenses. + + +Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some +day, want something which you probably won't want.--_Anthony Hope_. + + +Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it. + + +Ther's lots o' difference between thrift an' tryin' t' revive a last +year's straw hat.--_Abe Martin_. + + +Economy is a great revenue.--_Cicero_. + + +_See also_ Domestic finance; Saving; Thrift. + + + + +EDITORS + + +Recipe for an editor: + + Take a personal hatred of authors, + Mix this with a fiendish delight + In refusing all efforts of genius + And maiming all poets on sight. + + --_Life_. + + +The city editor of a great New York daily was known in the newspaper +world as a martinet and severe disciplinarian. Some of his caustic and +biting criticisms are classics. Once, however, the tables were turned +upon him in a way that left him speechless for days. + +A reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor did not +approve of. The morning of publication this reporter drifted into the +office and encountered his chief, who was in a white heat of anger. +Carefully suppressing the explosion, however, the boss started in with +ominous and icy words: + +"Mr. Blank, I am not going to criticize you for what you have written. +On the other hand, I am profoundly sorry for you. I have watched your +work recently, and it is my opinion, reached after calm and +dispassionate observation, that you are mentally unbalanced. You are +insane. Your mind is a wreck. Your friends should take you in hand. The +very kindest suggestion I can make is that you visit an alienist and +place yourself under treatment. So far you have shown no sign of +violence, but what the future holds for you no one can tell. I say this +in all kindness and frankness. You are discharged." + +The reporter walked out of the office and wandered up to Bellevue +Hospital. He visited the insane pavilion, and told the resident surgeon +that there was a suspicion that he was not all right mentally and asked +to be examined. The doctor put him through the regular routine and then +said, + +"Right as a top." + +"Sure?" asked the reporter. "Will you give me a certificate to that +effect?" The doctor said he would and did. Clutching the certificate +tightly in his hand the reporter entered the office an hour later, +walked up to the city editor, handed it to him silently, and then +blurted out, + +"Now you go get one." + + + + +EDUCATION + + +Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains +from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after that he +"struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with having more wealth than +any one else in Colorado. A man of great shrewdness and ability, he was +exceedingly sensitive over his inability to read or write. One day an +old-timer met him with: + +"How are you getting along, Pat?" + +"Go 'way from me now," said Pat genially, "me head's bustin' wid +business. It takes two lid-pincils a day to do me wurruk." + + +A catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer finally +found its way to a distant mountain village where it was evidently +welcomed with interest. The firm received a carefully written, if +somewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern "cracker" asking +further particulars about one of the listed articles. + +To this, in the usual course of business, was sent a type-written +answer. Almost by return mail came a reply: + +"You fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart, and you need not +print your letters to me. I can read writing." + + + + +EFFICIENCY + + +An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army maneuvers. +He was especially impressed with the German motor ambulances. As the +tourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under a tree, the axle of one +of the motor ambulances broke. Instantly the man leaped out, ran into +the village, returned in a jiffy with a new axle, fixed it in place with +wonderful skill, and teuffed-teuffed off again almost as good as new. + +"There's efficiency for you," said the American admirably. "There's +German efficiency for you. No matter what breaks, there's always a stock +at hand from which to supply the needed part." + +And praising the remarkable instance of German efficiency he had just +witnessed, the tourist returned to the village and ordered up his car. +But he couldn't use it. The axle was missing. + + +A curious little man sat next an elderly, prosperous looking man in a +smoking car. + +"How many people work in your office?" he asked. + +"Oh," responded the elderly man, getting up and throwing away his cigar, +"I should say, at a rough guess, about two-thirds of them." + + + + +EGOTISM + + +In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below the +dignity of a man of ten years. + +"Why," said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing in the +wars, and do you think you are better than George Washington?" + +"I don't know," replied the boy seriously. "Only time can tell that." + + +John D. Rockefeller tells this story on himself: + +"Golfing one bright winter day I had for caddie a boy who didn't know +me. + +"An unfortunate stroke landed me in clump of high grass. + +"'My, my,' I said, 'what am I to do now?' + +"'See that there tree?' said the boy, pointing to a tall tree a mile +away. 'Well, drive straight for that.' + +"I lofted vigorously, and, fortunately, my ball soared up into the air; +it landed, and it rolled right on to the putting green. + +"'How's that, my boy?' I cried. + +"The caddie stared at me with envious eyes. + +"'Gee, boss,' he said, 'if I had your strength and you had my brains +what a pair we'd make!'" + + +The late Marshall Field had a very small office-boy who came to the +great merchant one day with a request for an increase in wages. + +"Huh!" said Mr. Field, looking at him as if through a magnifying-glass. +"Want a raise, do you? How much are you getting?" + +"Three dollars a week," chirped the little chap. + +"Three dollars a week!" exclaimed his employer. "Why, when I was your +age I only got two dollars." + +"Oh, well, that's different," piped the youngster. "I guess you weren't +worth any more." + + + Here's to the man who is wisest and best, + Here's to the man who with judgment is blest. + Here's to the man who's as smart as can be-- + I mean the man who agrees with me. + + + + +ELECTIONS + + +In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and Germans. In +a recent election a local option question was up. + +After the election some Germans were counting the votes. One German was +calling off and another taking down the option votes. The first German, +running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Vet, vet, vet, vet,..." +Suddenly he stopped. "_Mein Gott_!" he cried: "_Dry_!" + +Then he went on--"Vet, vet, vet, vet,..." + +Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "_Himmel_!" he said. +"Der son of a gun repeated!" + + +WILLIS--"What's the election today for? Anybody happen to know?" + +GILLIS--"It is to determine whether we shall have a convention to +nominate delegates who will be voted on as to whether they will attend a +caucus which will decide whether we shall have a primary to determine +whether the people want to vote on this same question again next +year."--_Puck_. + + +One year, when the youngsters of a certain Illinois village met for the +purpose of electing a captain of their baseball team for the coming +season, it appeared that there were an excessive number of candidates +for the post, with more than the usual wrangling. + +Youngster after youngster presented his qualifications for the post; and +the matter was still undecided when the son of the owner of the +ball-field stood up. He was a small, snub-nosed lad, with a plentiful +supply of freckles, but he glanced about him with a dignified air of +controlling the situation. + +"I'm going to be captain this year," he announced convincingly, "or else +Father's old bull is going to be turned into the field." + +He was elected unanimously.--_Fenimore Martin_. + + +I consider biennial elections as a security that the sober second +thought of the people shall be law.--_Fisher Ames_. + + + + +ELECTRICITY + + +In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the +difference between lightning and electricity?" + +And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for lightning." + + + + +EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS + + +A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's cottage +at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there being a +scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the young gentleman took +Willie on his lap. + +Then, during a pause in the conversation, little Willie looked up at the +young gentleman and piped: + +"Am I as heavy as sister Mabel?" + + +The late Charles Coghlan was a man of great wit and resource. When he +was living in London, his wife started for an out-of-town visit. For +some reason she found it necessary to return home, and on her way +thither she saw her husband step out of a cab and hand a lady from it. +Mrs. Coghlan confronted the pair. The actor was equal to the situation. + +"My dear," he said to his wife, "allow me to present Miss Blank. Mrs. +Coghlan, Miss Blank." + +The two bowed coldly while Coghlan quickly added: + +"I know you ladies have ever so many things you want to say to each +other, so I will ask to be excused." + +He lifted his hat, stepped into the cab, and was whirled away. + + +The evening callers were chatting gaily with the Kinterbys when a patter +of little feet was heard from the head of the stairs. Mrs. Kinterby +raised her hand, warning the others to silence. + +"Hush!" she said, softly. "The children are going to deliver their +'good-night' message. It always gives me a feeling of reverence to hear +them--they are so much nearer the Creator than we are, and they speak +the love that is in their little hearts never so fully as when the dark +has come. Listen!" + +There was a moment of tense silence. Then--"Mama," came the message in a +shrill whisper, "Willy found a bedbug!" + + +"I was in an awkward predicament yesterday morning," said a husband to +another. + +"How was that?" + +"Why, I came home late, and my wife heard me and said, 'John, what time +is it?' and I said, 'Only twelve, my dear,' and just then that cuckoo +clock of ours sang out three times." + +"What did you do?" + +"Why, I just had to stand there and cuckoo nine times more." + + +"Your husband will be all right now," said an English doctor to a woman +whose husband was dangerously ill. + +"What do you mean?" demanded the wife. "You told me 'e couldn't live a +fortnight." + +"Well, I'm going to cure him, after all," said the doctor. "Surely you +are glad?" + +The woman wrinkled her brows. + +"Puts me in a bit of an 'ole," she said. "I've bin an' sold all 'is +clothes to pay for 'is funeral." + + + + +EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES + + +"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 a month +right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it." + +"Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his help +that way can hang on to his business." + + +EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Have you any advice to a struggling young employee?" + +FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"Yes. Don't work." + +EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Don't work?" + +FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"No. Become an employer." + + +General Benjamin F. Butler built a house in Washington on the same plans +as his home in Lowell, Mass., and his studies were furnished in exactly +the same way. He and his secretary, M. W. Clancy, afterward City Clerk +of Washington for many years, were constantly traveling between the two +places. + +One day a senator called upon General Butler in Lowell and the next day +in Washington to find him and his secretary engaged upon the same work +that had occupied them in Massachusetts. + +"Heavens, Clancy, don't you ever stop?" + +"No," interposed General Butler, + + "'Satan finds some michief still + For idle hands to do.'" + +Clancy arose and bowed, saying: + +"General, I never was sure until now what my employer was. I had heard +the rumor, but I always discredited it." + + +W.J. ("Fingy") Conners, the New York politician, who is not precisely a +Chesterfield, secured his first great freight-handling contract when he +was a roustabout on the Buffalo docks. When the job was about to begin +he called a thousand burly "dock-wallopers" to order, as narrated by one +of his business friends: + +"Now," roared Conners, "yez are to worruk for me, and I want ivery man +here to understand what's what. I kin lick anny man in the gang." + +Nine hundred and ninety-nine swallowed the insult, but one huge, +double-fisted warrior moved uneasily and stepping from the line he said +"You can't lick me, Jim Conners." + +"I can't, can't I?" bellowed "Fingy." + +"No, you can't" was the determined response. + +"Oh, well, thin, go to the office and git your money," said "Fingy." +"I'll have no man in me gang that I can't lick." + + +Outside his own cleverness there is nothing that so delights Mr. Wiggins +as a game of baseball, and when he gets a chance to exploit the two, +both at the same time, he may be said to be the happiest man in the +world. Hence it was that the other day, when little red headed Willie +Mulligan, his office boy, came sniffing into his presence to ask for the +afternoon off that he might attend his grandfather's funeral, Wiggins +deemed it a masterly stroke to answer: + +"Why, certainly, Willie. What's more, my boy, if you'll wait for me I'll +go with you." + +"All right, sir," sniffed Willie as he returned to his desk and waited +patiently. + +And, lo and behold, poor little Willie had told the truth, and when he +and Wiggins started out together the latter not only lost one of the +best games of the season, but had to attend the obsequies of an old lady +in whom he had no interest whatever as well. + + +CHIEF CLERK (to office boy)--"Why on earth don't you laugh when the boss +tells a joke?" + +OFFICE BOY--"I don't have to; I quit on Saturday."--_Satire_. + + +James J. Hill, the Railway King, told the following amusing incident +that happened on one of his roads: + +"One of our division superintendents had received numerous complaints +that freight trains were in the habit of stopping on a grade crossing in +a certain small town, thereby blocking travel for long periods. He +issued orders, but still the complaints came in. Finally he decided to +investigate personally. + +"A short man in size and very excitable, he went down to the crossing, +and, sure enough, there stood, in defiance of his orders, a long freight +train, anchored squarely across it. A brakeman who didn't know him by +sight sat complacently on the top of the car. + +"'Move that train on!' sputtered the little 'super.' 'Get it off the +crossing so people can pass. Move on, I say!' + +"The brakeman surveyed the tempestuous little man from head to foot. +'You go to the deuce, you little shrimp,' he replied. 'You're small +enough to crawl under.'" + + + + +ENEMIES + + +An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife sent for a +near-by preacher to pray with him. + +The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally the old +man said: "What do you want me to do, Parson?" + +"Renounce the Devil, renounce the Devil," replied the preacher. + +"Well, but, Parson," protested the dying man, "I ain't in position to +make any enemies." + + +It is better to decide a difference between enemies than friends, for +one of our friends will certainly become an enemy and one of our enemies +a friend.--_Bias_. + + + The world is large when its weary leagues + two loving hearts divide; + But the world is small when your enemy is + loose on the other side. + + --_John Boyle O'Reilly_. + + + + +ENGLAND + + +_See_ Great Britain. + + + + +ENGLISH LANGUAGE + + +A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: "Please do +not touch the Lift at your own risk." + + +The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each verb +considered was used in a model sentence, so that the students would gain +the benefit of pronouncing the connected series of words, as well as +learning the varying forms of the verb. This morning it was the verb "to +have" in the sentence, "I have a gold mine." + +Herr Schmitz was called to his feet by Professor Wulff. + +"Conjugate 'do haff' in der sentence, 'I haff a golt mine," the +professor ordered. + +"I haff a golt mine, du hast a golt dein, he hass a golt hiss. Ve, you +or dey haff a golt ours, yours or deirs, as de case may be." + + +Language is the expression of ideas, and if the people of one country +cannot preserve an identity of ideas, they cannot retain an identity of +language.--_Noah Webster_. + + + + +ENGLISHMEN + + +He who laughs last is an Englishman.--_Princeton Tiger_. + + +Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became the +center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the comedian a +cigar, saying that it was a new production. + +"With each cigar, you understand," the promoter said, "I will give a +coupon, and when you have smoked three thousand of them you may bring +the coupons to me and exchange them for a grand piano." + +Nat sniffed the cigar, pinched it gently, and then replied: "If I smoked +three thousand of these cigars I think I would need a harp instead of a +grand piano." + +There was a burst of laughter in which the Englishman did not join, but +presently he exploded with merriment. "I see the point" he exclaimed. +"Being an actor, you have to travel around the country a great deal and +a harp would be so much more convenient to carry." + + + + +ENTHUSIASM + + +Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of Work +Without Wages," tells a good story against himself. A nature enthusiast, +he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy woman. He began to +dilate upon the sublimity of the scenery, in somewhat gushing phrases. +The woman paid no attention to him. Provoked by her irresponsiveness, he +said, "You don't seem to care for this magnificent scenery?" She took +the pipe from her mouth and delivered this settler: "I enjies it; I +don't jabber." + + + + +EPITAPHS + + +LITTLE CLARENCE--"Pa!" + +HIS FATHER--"Well, my son?" + +LITTLE CLARENCE--"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day and read the +inscriptions on the tombstones." + +HIS FATHER--"And what were your thoughts after you had done so?" + +LITTLE CLARENCE--"Why, pa, I wondered where all the wicked people were +buried."--_Judge_. + + +The widower had just taken his fourth wife and was showing her around +the village. Among the places visited was the churchyard, and the bride +paused before a very elaborate tombstone that had been erected by the +bridegroom. Being a little nearsighted she asked him to read the +inscription, and in reverent tones he read: + +"Here lies Susan, beloved wife of John Smith; also Jane, beloved wife of +John Smith; also Mary, beloved wife of John Smith--" + +He paused abruptly, and the bride, leaning forward to see the bottom +line, read, to her horror: + +"Be Ye Also Ready." + + +A man wished to have something original on his wife's headstone and hit +upon, "Lord, she was Thine." He had his own ideas of the size of the +letters and the space between words, and gave instructions to the +stonemason. The latter carried them out all right, except that he could +not get in the "E" in Thine. + + +In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt., is a stone, erected by a widow to her +loving husband, bearing this inscription: "Rest in peace--until we meet +again." + + +An epitaph in an old Moravian cemetery reads thus: + + Remember, friend, as you pass by, + As you are now, so once was I; + As I am now thus you must be, + So be prepared to follow me. + +There had been written underneath in pencil, presumably by some wag: + + To follow you I'm not content + Till I find out which way you went. + + +I expected it, but I didn't expect it quite so soon.--_Life_. + + + After Life's scarlet fever + I sleep well. + + + Here lies the body of Sarah Sexton, + Who never did aught to vex one. + (Not like the woman under the next stone.) + + +As a general thing, the writer of epitaphs is a monumental liar.--_John +E. Rosser_. + + + Maria Brown, + Wife of Timothy Brown, + aged 80 years. + She lived with her husband fifty years, and died + in the confident hope of a better life. + + +Here lies the body of Enoch Holden, who died suddenly and unexpectedly +by being kicked to death by a cow. Well done, good and faithful servant! + + +A bereaved husband feeling his loss very keenly found it desirable to +divert his mind by traveling abroad. Before his departure, however, he +left orders for a tombstone with the inscription: + + "The light of my life has gone out." + +Travel brought unexpected and speedy relief, and before the time for his +return he had taken another wife. It was then that he remembered the +inscription, and thinking it would not be pleasing to his new wife, he +wrote to the stone-cutter, asking that he exercise his ingenuity in +adapting it to the new conditions. After his return he took his new wife +to see the tombstone and found that the inscription had been made to +read: + + "The light of my life has gone out, + But I have struck another match." + + + Here lies Bernard Lightfoot, + Who was accidentally killed in the forty-fifth year + of his age. + This monument was erected by his grateful family. + + + I thought it mushroom when I found + It in the woods, forsaken; + But since I sleep beneath this mound, + I must have been mistaken. + + + +On the tombstone of a Mr. Box appears this inscription: + Here lies one Box within another. + The one of wood was very good, + We cannot say so much for t'other. + + + Nobles and heralds by your leave, + Here lies what once was Matthew Prior; + The son of Adam and of Eve; + Can Bourbon or Nassau claim higher? + + --_Prior_. + + + Kind reader! take your choice to cry or laugh; + Here Harold lies-but where's his Epitaph? + If such you seek, try Westminster, and view + Ten thousand, just as fit for him as you. + + --_Byron_. + + +I conceive disgust at these impertinent and misbecoming familiarities +inscribed upon your ordinary tombstone.--_Charles Lamb_. + + + + +EPITHETS + + +John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, who +complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some neighbors. +Mr. Fiske called the youngster into his study. + +"My boy, is it true that you called Mrs. Jones a fool?" + +The boy hung his head. "Yes, father." "And did you call Mr. Jones a +worse fool?" + +"Yes, father." + +Mr. Fiske frowned and pondered for a minute. Then he said: + +"Well, my son, that is just about the distinction I should make." + + +"See that man over there. He is a bombastic mutt, a windjammer +nonentity, a false alarm, and an encumberer of the earth!" + +"Would you mind writing all that down for me?" + +"Why in the world--" + +"He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him some time." + + + + +EQUALITY + + +As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the other +day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "Clear out +of the way with that old mud scow!" shouted an officer on the bridge. + +A round, sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway. "Are ye the +captain of that vessel?" + +"No," answered the officer. + +"Then spake to yer equals. I'm the captain o' this!" came from the +barge. + + + + +ERMINE + + + Said an envious, erudite ermine: + "There's one thing I cannot determine: + When a man wears my coat, + He's a person of note, + While I'm but a species of vermin!" + + + + +ESCAPES + + +There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden +that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills +that surrounded the skating pond. + +A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts +and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a large +black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with chattering +teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water. + +The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to the +edge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said: + +"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out." + +"No, I can't swim," was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to me. Hurry +up. It's cold in here." + +"I ain't got no rope," said the farmer; and he added angrily. "What if +you can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up to your +shoulders." + +"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet deep if +it's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice!" + + + + +ETHICS + + + My ethical state, + Were I wealthy and great, + Is a subject you wish I'd reply on. + Now who can foresee + What his morals _might_ be? + What would yours be if you were a lion? + + --_Martial; tr. by Paul Nixon_. + + + + +ETIQUET + + +A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting +her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they would +not do it." + +"Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend, settling +herself comfortably. + +"Yes, but one can't thank them, you know, and it is so awkward." + +"Can't thank them! Why not?" + +"Why, you would not speak to a strange man, would you?" said the Boston +maiden, to the astonishment of her southern friend. + + +A little girl on the train to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not only that, +but she insisted on pulling it out in long strings and letting it fall +back into her mouth again. + +"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't do that. +Chew your gum like a little lady." + + +LITTLE BROTHER--"What's etiquet?" + +LITTLE BIGGER BROTHER--"It's saying 'No, thank you,' when you want to +holler 'Gimme!'"--_Judge_. + + + A Lady there was of Antigua, + Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you are!" + He answered, "My queen, + Is it manners you mean, + Or do you refer to my figure?" + + --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. + + +They were at dinner and the dainties were on the table. + +"Will you take tart or pudding?" asked Papa of Tommy. + +"Tart," said Tommy promptly. + +His father sighed as he recalled the many lessons on manners he had +given the boy. + +"Tart, what?" he queried kindly. + +But Tommy's eyes were glued on the pastry. + +"Tart, what?" asked the father again, sharply this time. + +"Tart, first," answered Tommy triumphantly. + + +TOMMY'S AUNT--"Won't you have another piece of cake, Tommy?" + +TOMMY (on a visit)--"No, I thank you." + +TOMMY'S AUNT--"You seem to be suffering from loss of appetite." + +TOMMY--"That ain't loss of appetite. What I'm sufferin' from is +politeness." + + + There was a young man so benighted, + He never knew when he was slighted; + He would go to a party, + And eat just as hearty, + As if he'd been really invited. + + + + +EUROPEAN WAR + + +OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool! +Come back at once!" + +TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the trench."--_Punch_. + + +"You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his head up." + +"Pride, eh?" + +"No, Zeppelin neck." + + +LITTLE GIRL (who has been sitting very still with a seraphic +expression)--"I wish I was an angel, mother!" + +MOTHER--"What makes you say that, darling?" + +LITTLE GIRL--"Because then I could drop bombs on the Germans!"--_Punch_. + + +From a sailor's letter to his wife: + + "Dear Jane,--I am sending you a postal order for 10s., which I + hope you may get--but you may not--as this letter has to pass + the Censor." + +--_Punch_. + + +Two country darkies listened, awe-struck, while some planters discussed +the tremendous range of the new German guns. + +"Dar now," exclaimed one negro, when his master had finished expatiating +on the hideous havoc wrought by a forty-two-centimeter shell, "jes' lak +I bin tellin' yo' niggehs all de time! Don' le's have no guns lak dem +roun' heah! Why, us niggehs could start runnin' erway, run all day, git +almos' home free, an' den git kilt jus' befo' suppeh!" + +"Dat's de trufe," assented his companion, "an' lemme tell yo' sumpin' +else, Bo. All dem guns needs is jus' yo' _ad_-dress, dat's all; jes' +giv' em de _ad_-dress an' they'll git yo'." + + +_See also_ War. + + + + +EVIDENCE + + +From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, a +policeman had managed to extract two prisoners. + +"What is the charge against these young men?" asked the magistrate +before whom they were arraigned. + +"Disturbin' the peace, yer honor," said the policeman. "They were givin' +their college yells in the street an' makin' trouble generally." + +"What is your name?" the judge asked one of the prisoners. + +"Ro-ro-robert Ro-ro-rollins," stuttered the youth. + +"I asked for your name, sir, not the evidence." + + + Maud Muller, on a summer night, + Turned down the only parlor light. + + The judge, beside her, whispered things + Of wedding bells and diamond rings. + + He spoke his love in burning phrase, + And acted foolish forty ways. + + When he had gone Maud gave a laugh + And then turned off the dictagraph. + +--_Milwaukee Sentinel_. + + +One day a hostess asked a well known Parisian judge: "Your Honor, which +do you prefer, Burgundy or Bordeaux?" + +"Madame, that is a case in which I have so much pleasure in taking the +evidence that I always postpone judgment," was the wily jurist's reply. + +_See also_ Courts; Witnesses. + + + + +EXAMINATIONS + + +An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred +history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was not, for God +took him." So many times was this repeated in connection with the death +of Enoch that he thought even the dullest pupil would answer correctly +when asked in examination: State in the exact language of the Bible what +is said of Enoch's death. + +But this was the answer he got: + +"Enoch was not what God took him for." + + +A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of some +amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in English. +The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of the +indicative, the subjunctive, the potential and the exclamatory moods. +His efforts resulted as follows: + +"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer twenty +questions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may pass. God +help me!" + + +The following selection of mistakes in examinations may convince almost +any one that there are some peaks of ignorance which he has yet to +climb: + +Magna Charta said that the King had no right to bring soldiers into a +lady's house and tell her to mind them. + +Panama is a town of Colombo, where they are trying to make an isthmus. + +The three highest mountains in Scotland are Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond and +Ben Jonson. + +Wolsey saved his life by dying on the way from York to London. + +Bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters. + +"Those melodious bursts that fill the spacious days of great Elizabeth" +refers to the songs that Queen Elizabeth used to write in her spare +time. + +Tennyson wrote a poem called Grave's Energy. + +The Rump Parliament consisted entirely of Cromwell's stalactites. + +The plural of spouse is spice. + +Queen Elizabeth rode a white horse from Kenilworth through Coventry with +nothing on, and Raleigh offered her his cloak. + +The law allowing only one wife is called monotony. + +When England was placed under an Interdict the Pope stopped all births, +marriages and deaths for a year. + +The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. + +The gods of the Indians are chiefly Mahommed and Buddha, and in their +spare time they do lots of carving. + +Every one needs a holiday from one year's end to another. + +The Seven Great Powers of Europe are gravity, electricity, steam, gas, +fly-wheels, and motors, and Mr. Lloyd George. + +The hydra was married to Henry VIII. When he cut off her head another +sprung up. + +Liberty of conscience means doing wrong and not worrying about it +afterward. + +The Habeas Corpus act was that no one need stay in prison longer than he +liked. + +Becket put on a camel-air shirt and his life at once became dangerous. + +The two races living in the north of Europe are Esquimaux and +Archangels. + +Skeleton is what you have left when you take a man's insides out and his +outsides off. + +Ellipsis is when you forget to kiss. + +A bishop without a diocese is called a suffragette. + +Artificial perspiration is the way to make a person alive when they are +only just dead. + +A night watchman is a man employed to sleep in the open air. + +The tides are caused by the sun drawing the water out and the moon +drawing it in again. + +The liver is an infernal organ of the body. + +A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. + +Triangles are of three kinds, the equilateral or three-sided, the +quadrilateral or four-sided, and the multilateral or polyglot. + +General Braddock was killed in the Revolutionary War. He had three +horses shot under him and a fourth went through his clothes. + +A buttress is the wife of a butler. + +The young Pretender was so called because it was pretended that he was +born in a frying-pan. + +A verb is a word which is used in order to make an exertion. + +A Passive Verb is when the subject is the sufferer, e.g., I am loved. + +Lord Raleigh was the first man to see the invisible Armada. + +A schoolmaster is called a pedigree. + +The South of the U. S. A. grows oranges, figs, melons and a great +quantity of preserved fruits, especially tinned meats. + +The wife of a Prime Minister is called a Primate. + +The Greeks were too thickly populated to be comfortable. + +The American war was started because the people would persist in sending +their parcels thru the post without stamps. + +Prince William was drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine; he never laughed +again. + +The heart is located on the west side of the body. + +Richard II is said to have been murdered by some historians; his real +fate is uncertain. + +Subjects have a right to partition the king. + +A kaiser is a stream of hot water springin' up an' distubin' the earth. + +He had nothing left to live for but to die. + +Franklin's education was got by himself. He worked himself up to be a +great literal man. He was also able to invent electricity. Franklin's +father was a tallow chandelier. + +Monastery is the place for monsters. + +Sir Walter Raleigh was put out once when his servant found him with fire +in his head. And one day after there had been a lot of rain, he threw +his cloak in a puddle and the queen stepped dryly over. + +The Greeks planted colonists for their food supplies. + +Nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog's tail +will kill a man. + +A mosquito is the child of black and white parents. + +An author is a queer animal because his tales (tails) come from his +head. + +Wind is air in a hurry. + +The people that come to America found Indians, but no people. + +Shadows are rays of darkness. + +Lincoln wrote the address while riding from Washington to Gettysburg on +an envelope. + +Queen Elizabeth was tall and thin, but she was a stout protestant. + +An equinox is a man who lives near the north pole. + +An abstract noun is something we can think of but cannot feel--as a red +hot poker. + +The population of New England is too dry for farming. + +Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, the +chist, and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if any. +The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The stummick is +devoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, o, u, and +sometimes w and y. + +Filigree means a list of your descendants. + +"The Complete Angler" was written by Euclid because he knew all about +angles. + +The imperfect tense in French is used to express a future action in past +time which does not take place at all. + +Arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones; It gets into your hair even +with your mouth shut. + +The modern name for Gaul is vinegar. + +Some of the West India Islands are subject to torpedoes. + +The Crusaders were a wild and savage people until Peter the Hermit +preached to them. + +On the low coast plains of Mexico yellow fever is very popular. + +Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution. + +Gender shows whether a man is masculine, feminine, or neuter. + +An angle is a triangle with only two sides. + +Geometry teaches us how to bisex angels. + +Gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly away. + +A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope lives. + +A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian. + +Vapor is dried water. + +The Salic law is that you must take everything with a grain of salt. + +The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky, where lions, goats and other animals +go after they are dead. + +The Pharisees were people who like to show off their goodness by praying +in synonyms. + +An abstract noun is something you can't see when you are looking at it. + + + + +EXCUSES + + +The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the +following week without their application blanks properly filled out as +to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of birth. On Monday +morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "What +is the trouble?" Miss Green inquired, seeking to comfort her. "Oh," +sobbed the little girl, "I forgot my excuse for being born." + + +O. Henry always retained the whimsical sense of humor which made him +quickly famous. Shortly before his death he called on the cashier of a +New York publishing house, after vainly writing several times for a +check which had been promised as an advance on his royalties. + +"I'm sorry," explained the cashier, "but Mr. Blank, who signs the +checks, is laid up with a sprained ankle." + +"But, my dear sir," expostulated the author, "does he sign them with his +feet?" + + +Strolling along the boardwalk at Atlantic City, Mr. Mulligan, the +wealthy retired contractor, dropped a quarter through a crack in the +planking. A friend came along a minute later and found him squatted +down, industriously poking a two dollar bill through the treacherous +cranny with his forefinger. + +"Mulligan, what the divvil ar-re ye doin'?" inquired the friend. + +"Sh-h," said Mr. Mulligan, "I'm tryin' to make it wort' me while to tear +up this board." + + +A captain, inspecting his company one morning, came to an Irishman who +evidently had not shaved for several days. + +"Doyle," he asked, "how is it that you haven't shaved this morning?" + +"But Oi did, sor." + +"How dare you tell me that with the beard you have on your face?" + +"Well, ye see, sor," stammered Doyle, "there wus nine of us to one small +bit uv a lookin'-glass, an' it must be thot in th' gineral confusion Oi +shaved some other man's face." + + +"Is that you, dear?" said a young husband over the telephone. "I just +called up to say that I'm afraid I won't be able to get home to dinner +to-night, as I am detained at the office." + +"You poor dear," answered the wife sympathetically. "I don't wonder. I +don't see how you manage to get anything done at all with that orchestra +playing in your office. Good-by." + + +"What is the matter, dearest?" asked the mother of a small girl who had +been discovered crying in the hall. + +"Somfing awful's happened, Mother." + +"Well, what is it, sweetheart?" + +"My d'doll-baby got away from me and broked a plate in the pantry." + + +A poor casual laborer, working on a scaffolding, fell five stories to +the ground. As his horrified mates rushed down pell-mell to his aid, he +picked himself up, uninjured, from a great, soft pile of sand. + +"Say, fellers," he murmured anxiously, "is the boss mad? Tell him I had +to come down anyway for a ball of twine." + + +Cephas is a darky come up from Maryland to a border town in +Pennsylvania, where he has established himself as a handy man to do odd +jobs. He is a good worker, and sober, but there are certain proclivities +of his which necessitate a pretty close watch on him. Not long ago he +was caught with a chicken under his coat, and was haled to court to +explain its presence there. + +"Now, Cephas," said the judge very kindly, "you have got into a new +place, and you ought to have new habits. We have been good to you and +helped you, and while we like you as a sober and industrious worker, +this other business cannot be tolerated. Why did you take Mrs. Gilkie's +chicken?" + +Cephas was stumped, and he stood before the majesty of the law, rubbing +his head and looking ashamed of himself. Finally he answered: + +"Deed, I dunno, Jedge," he explained, "ceptin' 't is dat chickens is +chickens and niggers is niggers." + + +GRANDMA--"Johnny, I have discovered that you have taken more maple-sugar +than I gave you." + +JOHNNY--"Yes, Grandma, I've been making believe there was another little +boy spending the day with me." + + +Mr. X was a prominent member of the B.P.O.E. At the breakfast table the +other morning he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred at +the lodge the previous night. The president of the order offered a silk +hat to the brother who could stand up and truthfully say that during his +married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife. "And, would +you believe it, Mary?--not a one stood up." "George," his wife said, +"why didn't you stand up?" "Well," he replied, "I was going to, but I +know I look like hell in a silk hat." + + + And oftentimes excusing of a fault + Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse, + As patches set upon a little breach, + Discredit more in hiding of the fault + Than did the fault before it was so patched. + + --_Shakespeare_. + + + + +EXPOSURE + + +TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure." + +WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_. + + + + +EXTORTION + + +_See_ Dressmakers. + + + + +EXTRAVAGANCE + + There was a young girl named O'Neill, + Who went up in the great Ferris wheel; + But when half way around + She looked at the ground, + And it cost her an eighty-cent meal. + + +Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in town, but +nobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry Susan Rankin, +seeing that he had known her for years. For awhile they got along fairly +well but one day after five years of it John hung himself in the attic, +where Susan used to dry the wash on rainy days, and a carpenter, who +went up to the roof to do some repairs, found him there. He told Susan, +and Susan hurried up to see about it, and, sure enough, the carpenter +was right. She stood looking at her late husband for about a +minute--kind of dazed, the carpenter thought--then she spoke. + +"Well, I declare!" she exclaimed. "If he hasn't used my new +clothes-line, and the old would have done every bit as well! But, of +course, that's just like John Polkinhorn." + + +"The editor of my paper," declared the newspaper business manager to a +little coterie of friends, "is a peculiar genius. Why, would you believe +it, when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out only one dollar for +spending money and sends the rest to his wife in Indianapolis!" + +His listeners--with one exception, who sat silent and reflective--gave +vent to loud murmurs of wonder and admiration. + +"Now, it may sound thin," added the speaker, "but it is true, +nevertheless." + +"Oh, I don't doubt it at all!" quickly rejoined the quiet one; "I was +only wondering what he does with the dollar!" + + +An Irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning after +pay day. When his leave expired he didn't appear. He was brought at last +before the commandant for sentence, and the following dialogue is +recorded: + +"Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe engagement." + +"Yes, sur." + +"Have you any money left?" + +"No, sur." + +"You had $35 when you left the fort, didn't you?" + +"Yes, sur." + +"What did you do with it?" + +"Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went into a +place and spint $8. Thin we came out and I met another friend and we +spint $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another friend and we +spint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends, +and I spint $8 more--and thin I come home." + +"But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the other $3?" +Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and said: + +"I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have squandered that money +foolishly." + + + + +FAILURES + + +Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true, +father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?" + +His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey," he +finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as good as a +failure." + + + + +FAITH + + +Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and +garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.--_Country Life +in America_. + + +"What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher. + +"Pa says," answers Johnny, "that it's readin' in the papers that the +price o' things has come down, an expectin' to find it true when the +bills comes in." + + +Faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn't going to hurt. + + +"As I understand it, Doctor, if I believe I'm well, I'll be well. Is +that the idea?" + +"It is." + +"Then, if you believe you are paid, I suppose you'll be paid." + +"Not necessarily." + +"But why shouldn't faith work as well in one case as in the other?" + +"Why, you see, there is considerable difference between having faith in +Providence and having faith in you."--_Horace Zimmerman_. + + +Mother had been having considerable argument with her infant daughter as +to whether the latter was going to be left alone in a dark room to go to +sleep. As a clincher, the mother said: "There is no reason at all why +you should be afraid. Remember that God is here all the time, and, +besides, you have your dolly. Now go to sleep like a good little girl." +Twenty minutes later a wail came from upstairs, and mother went to the +foot of the stairs to pacify her daughter. "Don't cry," she said; +"remember what I told you--God is there with you and you have your +dolly." "But I don't want them," wailed the baby; "I want you, muvver; I +want somebody here that has got a skin face on them." + + + Faith is a fine invention + For gentlemen who see; + But Microscopes are prudent + In an emergency. + + --_Emily Dickinson_. + + + + +FAITHFULNESS + + +A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first +they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a +trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually increased the +size of his load until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-pound +anvil under each arm. When he was half-way across the gangplank it broke +and the Irishman fell in. With a great splashing and spluttering he came +to the surface. + +"T'row me a rope, I say!" he shouted again. Once more he sank. A third +time he rose struggling. + +"Say!" he spluttered angrily, "if one uv you shpalpeens don't hurry up +an' t'row me a rope I'm goin' to drop one uv these damn t'ings!" + + + + +FAME + + +Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on +the part of people who are not thinking of you. + + +Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to +meet an editor who was hard up for material. + + +Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of obtaining +it, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be sufficient to +deter a man from so vain a pursuit.--_Addison_. + + + + +FAMILIES + + +"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great +Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am +English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails." + + +Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had been absent from her duties +for several days. Upon her return her employer asked her the reason for +her absence. + +"Sure, I've been carin' for wan of me sick children," she replied. + +"And how many children have you, Mrs. O'Flarity?" he asked. + +"Siven in all," she replied. "Four by the third wife of me second +husband; three by the second wife of me furst." + + +A man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making his way +to the street-car, followed by his wife and fourteen children, when a +policeman touched him on the shoulder and said: + +"Come along wid me." + +"What for?" + +"Blamed if I know; but when ye're locked up I'll go back and find out +why that crowd was following ye." + + + + +FAREWELLS + + + Happy are we met, Happy have we been, + Happy may we part, and Happy meet again. + + +A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter +off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went +around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he was +leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, and +at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the +window. + +Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to the +window and said: "One more kiss, pet." + +In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the +window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headed +wretch!" + + +"I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall be the +play? Hamlet? Macbeth?" + +"This is your sixth farewell tour, I believe." + +"Well, yes." + +"I would suggest 'Much Adieu About Nothing'." + + + "Farewell!" + For in that word--that fatal word--howe'er + We promise--hope--believe--there breathes despair. + + --_Byron_. + + + + +FASHION + + +There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are +comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_. + + +There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long +discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said her +prayers, she added a new petition, uttered with unwonted fervency: + +"And, dear Lord, please make us all very stylish." + + + Nothing is thought rare + Which is not new, and follow'd; yet we know + That what was worn some twenty years ago + Comes into grace again. + + --_Beaumont and Fletcher_. + + +As good be out of the World as out of the Fashion.--_Colley Cibber_. + + + + +FATE + + + Fate hit me very hard one day. + I cried: "What is my fault? + What have I done? What causes, pray, + This unprovoked assault?" + She paused, then said: "Darned if I know; + I really can't explain." + Then just before she turned to go + She whacked me once again! + + --_La Touche Hancock_. + + + So in the Libyan fable it is told + That once an eagle stricken with a dart, + Said, when he saw the fashion of the shaft, + "With our own feathers, not by others' hands, + Are we now smitten." + + --_Aeschylus_. + + + + +FATHERS + + +A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing +his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history. +Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it +represented. Baby answered "Coty." + +Pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way, she answered "Kitty." +Then a lion, and she answered "Doggy." Elated with her seeming quick +perception, he then turned to the picture of a Chimpanzee and said: + +"Baby, what is this?" + +"Papa." + + + + +FAULTS + + + Women's faults are many, + Men have only two-- + Everything they say, + And everything they do. + + --_Le Crabbe_. + + + + +FEES + + +_See_ Tips. + + + + +FEET + + +BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?" + +LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?" + + + + +FIGHTING + + +"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?" + +"Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_. + + +"There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is +torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. "How +many times have I told you not to play with that bad Jenkins boy?" + +"Now, look here, Mother," said Bobby, "do I look as if we'd been +playing?" + + +Two of the leading attorneys of Memphis, who had been warm friends for +years, happened to be opposing counsel in a case some time ago. The +older of the two was a man of magnificent physique, almost six feet +four, and built in proportion, while the younger was barely five feet +and weighed not more than ninety pounds. + +In the course of his argument the big man unwittingly made some remark +that aroused the ire of his small adversary. A moment later he felt a +great pulling and tugging at his coat tails. Looking down, he was +greatly astonished to see his opponent wildly gesticulating and dancing +around him. + +"What on earth are you trying to do there, Dudley?" he asked. + +"By Gawd, suh, I'm fightin', suh!" + + +An Irishman boasted that he could lick any man in Boston, yes, +Massachusetts, and finally he added New England. When he came to, he +said: "I tried to cover too much territory." + + +"Dose Irish make me sick, alvays talking about vat gread fighders dey +are," said a Teutonic resident of Hoboken, with great contempt. "Vhy, at +Minna's vedding der odder night dot drunken Mike O'Hooligan butted in, +und me und mein bruder, und mein cousin Fritz und mein frient Louie +Hartmann--vhy, we pretty near kicked him oudt of der house!" + + +VILLAGE GROCER--"What are you running for, sonny?" + +BOY--"I'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'." + +VILLAGE GROCER--"Who are the fellows?" + +BOY--"Bill Perkins and me!"--_Puck_. + + +An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the +outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness in +court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the +witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon +verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She +insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency +finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas. + +"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowed +about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked +him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom with a +knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friend +of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or four +others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some +excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'." + + +"Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that black +eye?" asked the magistrate. + +"Sure, your honor, he wasn't a physical wreck till after he gave me the +black eye," replied the complaining wife.--_London Telegraph_. + + +A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiled +live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minus +one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly kicked. The waiter said it +was unavoidable--there had been a fight in the kitchen between two +lobsters. The other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobster +and had eaten it. The young man pushed the lobster over toward the +waiter. "Take it away," he said wearily, "and bring me the winner." + + +There never was a good war or a bad peace.--_Benjamin Franklin_. + + +The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the right +place.--_John C. Snaith_. + + + + +FINANCE + + + Willie had a savings bank; + 'Twas made of painted tin. + He passed it 'round among the boys, + Who put their pennies in. + + Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought + Sweetmeats and chewing gum. + And to the other envious lads + He never offered some. + + "What will we do?" his mother said: + "It is a sad mischance." + His father said: "We'll cultivate + His gift for high finance." + + --_Washington Star_. + + +HICKS--"I've got to borrow $200 somewhere." + +WICKS--"Take my advice and borrow $300 while you are about it." + +"But I only need $200." + +"That doesn't make any difference. Borrow $300 and pay back $100 of it +in two installments at intervals of a month or so. Then the man that you +borrow from will think he is going to get the rest of it." + + +It is said J. P. Morgan could raise $10,000,000 on his check any minute; +but the man who is raising a large family on $9 a week is a greater +financier than Morgan. + + +To modernize an old prophecy, "out of the mouths of babes shall come +much worldly wisdom." Mr. K. has two boys whom he dearly loves. One day +he gave each a dollar to spend. After much bargaining, they brought home +a wonderful four-wheeled steamboat and a beautiful train of cars. For +awhile the transportation business flourished, and all was well, but one +day Craig explained to his father that while business had been good, he +could do much better if he only had the capital to buy a train of cars +like Joe's. His arguments must have been good, for the money was +forthcoming. Soon after, little Toe, with probably less logic but more +loving, became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like Craig's. +But Mr. K., who had furnished the additional capital, looked in vain for +the improved service. The new rolling stock was not in evidence, and +explanations were vague and unsatisfactory, as is often the case in the +railroad game at which men play. It took a stern court of inquiry to +develop the fact that the railroad and steamship had simply changed +hands--and at a mutual profit of one hundred per cent. And Mr. K., as he +told his neighbor, said it was worth that much to know that his boys +would not need much of a legacy from him.--_P.A. Kershaw_. + + +An old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a close +bargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood for the +small sum of twelve dollars. + +"Why on earth did you agree to do it for so little?" his brother +inquired. + +"Well," said the old painter, "you see, the owner is a mighty unreliable +man. If I'd said I'd charge him twenty-five dollars, likely he'd have +only paid me nineteen. And if I charge him twelve dollars, he may not +pay me but nine. So I thought it over, and decided to paint it for +twelve dollars, so I wouldn't lose so much." + + + + +FINGER-BOWLS + + +MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've +had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked +for have them on the table?" + +BRIDGET--"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they +came." + + + + +FIRE DEPARTMENTS + + +Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines. + +Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a +ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out! +The fire department's coming." + +Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage wagon +and engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street again and drove +on. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder came tearing along. +The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the farmer's buggy, smashing +it to smithereens and sending the farmer sprawling into the gutter. The +policeman ran to his assistance. + +"Didn't I tell ye to keep out of the way?" he demanded crossly. "Didn't +I tell ye the fire department was comin"?" + +"Wall, consarn ye," said the peeved farmer, "I _did_ git outer the way +for th' fire department. But what in tarnation was them drunken painters +in sech an all-fired hurry fer?" + + +Two Irishmen fresh from Ireland had just landed in New York and engaged +a room in the top story of a hotel. Mike, being very sleepy, threw +himself on the bed and was soon fast asleep. The sights were so new and +strange to Pat that he sat at the window looking out. Soon an alarm of +fire was rung in and a fire-engine rushed by throwing up sparks of fire +and clouds of smoke. This greatly excited Pat, who called to his comrade +to get up and come to the window, but Mike was fast asleep. Another +engine soon followed the first, spouting smoke and fire like the former. +This was too much for poor Pat, who rushed excitedly to the bedside, and +shaking his friend called loudly: + +"Mike, Mike, wake up! They are moving Hell, and two loads have gone by +already." + + + + +FIRE ESCAPES + + +Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected +after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law. + + + + +FIRES + + +"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday." + +"Sh! Next Thursday." + + + + +FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY + + +The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the +family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so please +come at once." + +"I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor. + +"Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wife has a book on 'What to Do Before +the Doctor Comes,' and I'm so afraid she'll do it before you get here!" + + +NURSE GIRL--"Oh, ma'am, what shall I do? The twins have fallen down the +well!" + +FOND PARENT--"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the library and get +the last number of _The Modern Mother's Magazine_; it contains an +article on 'How to Bring Up Children.'" + + +SURGEON AT NEW YORK HOSPITAL--"What brought you to this dreadful +condition? Were you run over by a street-car?" + +PATIENT--"No, sir; I fainted, and was brought to by a member of the +Society of First Aid to the Injured."--_Life_. + + +A prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a colored +woman formerly in the service of his wife. In great agitation the woman +advised the physician that her youngest child was in a bad way. + +"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor. + +"Doc, she done swallered a bottle of ink!" + +"I'll be over there in a short while to see her," said the doctor. "Have +you done anything for her?" + +"I done give her three pieces o' blottin'-paper, Doc," said the colored +woman doubtfully. + + + + +FISH + + +A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen +fried oysters." + +"Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah, +'ceptin' eggs." + + +Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and the +mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said: + +"These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the larger +fish." + +Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked: + +"But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?" + + + + +FISHERMEN + + +At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be +found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always +used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the +cellar, and the child was found to weigh twenty-five pounds. + + +"Doin' any good?" asked the curious individual on the bridge. + +"Any good?" answered the fisherman, in the creek below. "Why I caught +forty bass out o' here yesterday." + +"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the man on the bridge. + +The fisherman replied that he did not. + +"Well, I am the county fish and game warden." + +The angler, after a moment's thought, exclaimed, "Say, do you know who I +am?" + +"No," the officer replied. + +"Well, I'm the biggest liar in eastern Indiana," said the crafty angler, +with a grin. + + +A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father +informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all +he loved Venice. + +"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand +that your father would like Venice, with its gondolas, and St. Markses +and Michelangelos." + +"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it +because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window." + + +Smith the other day went fishing. He caught nothing, so on his way back +home he telephoned to his provision dealer to send a dozen of bass +around to his house. + +He got home late himself. His wife said to him on his arrival: + +"Well, what luck?" + +"Why, splendid luck, of course," he replied. "Didn't the boy bring that +dozen bass I gave him?" + +Mrs. Smith started. Then she smiled. + +"Well, yes, I suppose he did," she said. "There they are." + +And she showed poor Smith a dozen bottles of Bass's ale. + + +"You'll be a man like one of us some day," said the patronizing +sportsman to a lad who was throwing his line into the same stream. + +"Yes, sir," he answered, "I s'pose I will some day, but I b'lieve I'd +rather stay small and ketch a few fish." + + +The more worthless a man, the more fish he can catch. + + +As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an angler.--_Izaak +Walton_. + + + + +FISHING + + +A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake +in Colorado which he had in contemplation. + +"Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend. + +"Thousands of 'em," replied Mr. Wharry. + +"Will they bite easily?" asked another friend. + +"Will they?" said Mr. Wharry. "Why they're absolutely vicious. A man has +to hide behind a tree to bait a hook." + + +"I got a bite--I got a bite!" sang out a tiny girl member of a fishing +party. But when an older brother hurriedly drew in the line there was +only a bare hook. "Where's the fish?" he asked. "He unbit and div," said +the child. + + +The late Justice Brewer was with a party of New York friends on a +fishing trip in the Adirondacks, and around the camp fire one evening +the talk naturally ran on big fish. When it came his turn the jurist +began, uncertain as to how he was going to come out: + +"We were fishing one time on the Grand Banks for--er--for--" + +"Whales," somebody suggested. + +"No," said the Justice, "we were baiting with whales." + + +"Lo, Jim! Fishin'?" + +"Naw; drowning worms." + + +We may say of angling as Dr. Boteler said of strawberries: "Doubtless +God could have made a better berry, but doubtless God never did"; and so +(if I might be judge), God never did make a more calm, quiet, innocent +recreation than angling.--_Izaak Walton_. + + + + +FLATS + + +"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?" + +"Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy a +folding toothbrush?" + + +She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she took +refuge in a flood of tears. + +"Before we were married you said you'd lay down your life for me," she +sobbed. + +"I know it," he returned solemnly; "but this confounded flat is so tiny +that there's no place to lay anything down." + + + + +FLATTERY + + +With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell. +"The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever." + +"But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded. + +She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, hurriedly. + + +MAGISTRATE (about to commit for trial)--"You certainly effected the +robbery in a remarkably ingenious way; in fact, with quite exceptional +cunning." + +PRISONER--"Now, yer honor, no flattery, please; no flattery, I begs +yer." + + +OLD MAID--"But why should a great strong man like you be found begging?" + +WAYFARER--"Dear lady, it is the only profession I know in which a +gentleman can address a beautiful woman without an introduction." + + +William ---- was said to be the ugliest, though the most lovable, man in +Louisiana. On returning to the plantation after a short absence, his +brother said: + +"Willie, I met in New Orleans a Mrs. Forrester who is a great admirer of +yours. She said, though, that it wasn't so much the brillancy of your +mental attainments as your marvelous physical and facial beauty which +charmed and delighted her." + +"Edmund," cried William earnestly, "that is a wicked lie, but tell it to +me again!" + + +"You seem to be an able-bodied man. You ought to be strong enough to +work." + +"I know, mum. And you seem to be beautiful enough to go on the stage, +but evidently you prefer the simple life." + +After that speech he got a square meal and no reference to the woodpile. + + + O, that men's ears should be + To counsel deaf, but not to flattery! + + --_Shakespeare_. + + + + +FLIES + + +_See_ Pure food. + + + + +FLIRTATION + + +It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is +attention without intention. + + +"There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle." + +"Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in for a +wedding or a breach of promise suit." + + +A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticed +a striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy and little +Mary, two of her pupils. + +Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn't disposed to prosecute +his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that unless he +stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be promoted. + +"You must study harder," she told him, "or you won't pass. How would you +like to stay back in this class another year and have little Mary go +ahead of you?" + +"Ah," said Tommy. "I guess there'll be other little Marys." + + + + +FLOWERS + + +Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I know +why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the dirt." + + + + +FOOD + + +A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece +of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not understanding and yet +unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, brought the customer a piece +of chocolate cake. + +"No, no, my friend," said the smiling man. "I meant _George_ Washington, +not _Booker_ Washington." + + +One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the "pillars" +of the church to which they both belonged. As he thought of her long and +useful life, and looked upon her sweet, placid countenance bearing but +few tokens of her ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage, he was moved +to ask her, "My dear Mrs. S., what has been the chief source of your +strength and sustenance during all these years? What has appealed to you +as the real basis of your unusual vigor of mind and body, and has been +to you an unfailing comfort through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I may +pass the secret on to others, and, if possible, profit by it myself." + +The old lady thought a moment, then lifting her eyes, dim with age, yet +kindling with sweet memories of the past, answered briefly, +"Victuals."--_Sarah L. Tenney_. + + +A girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food wrote to +the editor: + +_Dear Sir_: Seeing as you say how fish is good for the brains, what kind +of fish shall I eat? + +To this the editor replied: + +_Dear Miss_: Judging from the composition of your letter I should advise +you to eat a whale. + + +A hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch restaurant +and ordered a chicken pie. When it arrived he raised the lid and sat +gazing at the contents intently for a while. Finally he called the +waiter. + +"Look here, Sam," he said, "what did I order?" + +"Chicken pie, sah." + +"And what have you brought me?" + +"Chicken pie, sah." + +"Chicken pie, you black rascal!" the customer replied. "Chicken pie? +Why, there's not a piece of chicken in it, and never was." + +"Dat's right, boss--dey ain't no chicken in it." + +"Then why do you call it chicken pie? I never heard of such a thing." + +"Dat's all right, boss. Dey don't have to be no chicken in a chicken +pie. Dey ain't no dog in a dog biscuit, is dey?" + + +_See also_ Dining. + + + + +FOOTBALL + + +His SISTER--"His nose seems broken." + +His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth." + +His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--_Life_. + + + + +FORDS + + +A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a +Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his position, then +sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?" + + +A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road and +gazing upward, asked him if he were watching the birds. + +"No," he answered, "I was cranking my Ford car and my hand slipped off +and the thing got away and went straight up in the air." + + + + +FORECASTING + + +A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid. + +"Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air. + +"Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks frum +Wednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in her mistress's face, she +added hastily--"I want to go to my finance's fun'ral." + +"Goodness me," answered the lady--"Your finance's funeral! Why, you +don't know that he's even going to die, let alone the date of his +funeral. That is something we can't any of us be sure about--when we are +going to die." + +"Yes'm," said the girl doubtfully. Then, with a triumphant note in her +voice--"I'se sure about him, Mis', 'cos he's goin' to be hung!" + + + + +FORESIGHT + + +"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosom +friend Ann said. + +"Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin' +the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine, and the +Magistrate said that if I come afore 'im ag'in, or laid me 'ands on the +old man, he'd fine me forty shillin's!" + +"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?" + +"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!" + + +"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a thousand +dollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die." + +"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?" + +"Lots," said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place." + + + There once was a pious young priest, + Who lived almost wholly on yeast; + "For," he said, "it is plain + We must all rise again, + And I want to get started, at least." + + + + +FORGETFULNESS + + +_See_ Memory. + + + + +FORTUNE HUNTERS + + +HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you +fixed the day of the wedding?" + +SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancee." + +H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?" + +S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir." + +H.F.--"What have you to live on?" + +S.--"I will leave that entirely to you, sir." + + +The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his +government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great +Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without +result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to +work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on. + +"I've found the lady, sir." + +"Good! Where is she?" + +"At my place. I married her yesterday." + + +"I would die for you," said the rich suitor. + +"How soon?" asked the practical girl. + + +HE--"I'd like to meet Miss Bond." + +SHE--"Why?" + +"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance." + +"Is she looking for one?"--_Life_. + + +MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his +deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love +a girl like that?" + +JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?" + + +"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls, +and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a +little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is +Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her +$1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five +again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is +forty, will have $5,000 with her." + +The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You haven't one +about fifty, have you?" + + + + +FOUNTAIN PENS + + +"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his +visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers +do." + +"It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing with +pleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen." + + +"Percy" asks if we know anything which will change the color of the +fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette smoking. + +He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain pens. + + + + +FOURTH OF JULY + + +"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?" + +"Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at +least once a year." + + +One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertised +special attractions to American visitors. All over the auditorium the +Union Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one another, and at the +interludes were heard "Yankee Doodle" and "Hail Columbia," while a +quartette sang "Down upon the Swanee River." It was an occasion to swell +the heart of an exiled patriot. Finally came the turn of the Human +Encyclopedia, who advanced to the front of the stage and announced +himself ready to answer, sight unseen, all questions the audience might +propound. A volley of queries was fired at him, and the Encyclopedia +breathlessly told the distance of the earth from Mars, the number of +bones in the human skeleton, of square miles in the British Empire, and +other equally important facts. There was a brief pause, in which an +American stood up. + +"What great event took place July 4, 1776?" he propounded in a loud glad +voice. + +The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. "Th' hincident you speak of, sir, +was a hinfamous houtrage!" + + + + +FREAKS + + +_See_ Husbands. + + + + +FREE THOUGHT + + +TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?" + +POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married." + + + + +FRENCH LANGUAGE + + +"I understand you speak French like a native." + +"No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent down +pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures." + + +In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the acts +of "Chantecler": "I think it's mo' fun when you don't understand French. +It sounds mo' like chickens!"--_Life_. + + + + +FRESHMEN + + +_See_ College Students. + + + + +FRIENDS + + + The Lord gives our relatives, + Thank God we can choose our friends. + + +"Father." + +"Well, what is it?" + +"It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.' +Is that so, Father?" + +"Yes, yes, yes." + +"Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad +man, is the good man bad because he keeps company with the +bad man, and is the bad man good because he keeps company +with the good man?"--_Punch_. + + + Here's champagne to our real friends. + And real pain to our sham friends. + + + It's better to make friends fast + Than to make fast friends. + + +Some friends are a habit--some a luxury. + + +A friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your faults. + + + + +FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF + + +A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society of +Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeresses who +took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street Station. After a few +minutes' silence she was somewhat startled to hear a gentle voice +inquire: "Sister Kate, will thee go to the counter and have a milk punch +on me?"--_Carolina Lockhart_. + + + +FRIENDSHIP + + +Friendly may we part and quickly meet again. + + + There's fellowship + In every sip + Of friendship's brew. + + +May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship. + + + Here's to the four hinges of Friendship-- + Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking. + When you swear, swear by your country; + When you lie, lie for a pretty woman, + When you steal, steal away from bad company + And when you drink, drink with me. + + +The trouble with having friends is the upkeep. + + +"Brown volunteered to lend me money." + +"Did you take it?" + +"No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose." + + +"I let my house furnished, and they've had measles there. Of course +we've had the place disinfected; so I suppose it's quite safe. What do +you think?" + +"I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it would be +safer to lend it to a friend first."--_Punch_. + + +"Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff yer +potatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak' +extra reductions for yer freends." + +"Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin's a ton beacuse a customer is a +freend o' mine, an' then I jist tak' twa hundert-weight aff the ton +because I'm a freend o' his."--_Punch_. + + +The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride on +one of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the caboose to go up +and put the man off at the next stop. When the brakeman approached the +tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away. + +"Did you get rid of him?" the conductor asked the brakeman, when the +train was under motion again. + +"I hadn't the heart," was the reply. "He turned out to be an old school +friend of mine." + +"I'll take care of him," said the conductor, as he started over the tops +of the cars. + +After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman came +into the caboose and said to the conductor: + +"Well, is he off?" + +"No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too." + + +If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life, +he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his +friendship in constant repair.--_Samuel Johnson_. + + + They say, and I am glad they say, + It is so; and it may be so; + It may be just the other way, + I cannot tell, but this I know-- + From quiet homes and first beginnings + Out to the undiscovered ends + There's nothing worth the wear of winning + Save laughter and the love of friends. + + --_Hilaire Belloc_. + + + + +FUN + + +Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs.--_Abe +Martin_. + + +_See also_ Amusements. + + + + +FUNERALS + + + There was an old man in a hearse, + Who murmured, "This might have been worse; + Of course the expense + Is simply immense, + But it doesn't come out of my purse." + + + + +FURNITURE + + +GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?" + +HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for +furniture to match." + + + + +FUTURE LIFE + + +A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a +state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed +signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead. + +"Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all that was going on. And +I knew I wasn't dead, too, because my feet were cold and I was hungry." + +"But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?" asked one +of the curious. + +"Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't be hungry. +And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold." + + +FATHER (impressively)--"Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, what +would become of you, my boy?" + +IRREVERENT SON--"I'd stay here. The question is, What would become of +you?" + + +"Look here, now, Harold," said a father to his little son, who was +naughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to Heaven." + +"I don't want to go to Heaven," sobbed the boy; "I want to go with you +and mother." + + +On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to be buried +at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the burial service, at +the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvas +preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is customary to place heavy +shot with a body to insure its immediate sinking, but in this instance, +nothing else being available, a large lump of coal was substituted. +Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed, + +"Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I didn't think +you'd have to furnish your own fuel." + + +An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life that in +the next he would have to climb up hill to get into hell. + + +When P.T. Barnum was at the head of his "great moral show," it was his +rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the custom is +continued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend Doctor Walker +succeeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor Hawks, in Hartford, +there came to the parsonage, addressed to Doctor Hawks, tickets for the +circus, with the compliments of the famous showman. Doctor Walker +studied the tickets for a moment, and then remarked: + +"Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they haven't +met." + + +Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens of +Philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among others +were the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad; ex-Attorney-General +MacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other prominent railroad men. + +Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said: "Your Grace, +among others you see here a great many railroad men. There is a +peculiarity of railroad men that even on social occasions you will find +that they always take their lawyer with them. That is why I am here. +They never go anywhere without their counsel. Now they have nearly +everything that men want, but I have a suggestion to make to you for an +exchange with us. We can give free passes on all the railroads of the +country. Now if you would only give us--say a free pass to Paradise by +way of exchange." + +"Ah, no," said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "that would +never do. I would not like to separate them from their counsel." + + + + +GARDENING + + +Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they +go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_. + + +"I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months +from now I won't be kicking about your prices." + +"No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to sell +vegetables so cheap." + + + + +GAS STOVES + + +A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be +contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many +years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It +so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammy +arrived. Before departing she had just time to explain to mammy the +modern conveniences with which her apartment was furnished. The gas +stove was the contrivance which interested the colored woman most. After +the mistress of the household had lighted the oven, the broiler, and the +other burners and felt certain the old servant understood its +operations, the mistress hurried for her train. + +She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to mammy was +how she had worried along. + +"De fines' ever," was the reply. "And dat air gas stove--O my! Why do +you know, Miss Flo'ence, dat fire aint gone out yit." + + + + +GENEROSITY + + +"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but +recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybody +is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither, and the +young man tells me I can get a money order for $10 for 10 cents. Think +of that now!" + + +At one of these reunions of the Blue and the Gray so happily common of +late, a northern veteran, who had lost both arms and both legs in the +service, caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous place to receive +alms. The response to his appeal was generous and his cup rapidly +filled. + +Nobody gave him more than a dime, however, except a grizzled warrior of +the lost cause, who plumped in a dollar. And not content, he presently +came that way again and plumped in another dollar. + +The cripple's gratitude did not quite extinguish his curiosity. "Why," +he inquired, "do you, who fought on the other side, give me so much more +than any of those who were my comrades in arms?" + +The old rebel smiled grimly. "Because," he replied, "you're the first +Yank I ever saw trimmed up just to suit me." + + +At dinner one day, it was noticed that a small daughter of the minister +was putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her father asked +her why she did that. She explained that she was saving them for her +dog. Her father told her there were plenty of bones the dog could have +so she consented to eat the dainty bits. Later she collected the bones +and took them to the dog saying, "I meant to give a free will offering +but it is only a collection." + + +A little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion store +and asked for a match. + +"We only _sell_ matches," said the storekeeper. + +"How much are they?" asked the future citizen. + +"Penny a box," was the answer. + +"Gimme a box," said the boy. + +He took one match, lit the cigarette, and handed the box back over the +counter, saying, "Here, take it and put it on de shelf, and when anodder +sport comes and asks for a match, give him one on me." + + +Little Ralph belonged to a family of five. One morning he came into the +house carrying five stones which he brought to his mother, saying: + +"Look, mother, here are tombstones for each one of us." + +The mother, counting them, said: + +"Here is one for father, dear! Here is one for mother! Here is +brother's! Here is the baby's; but there is none for Delia, the maid." + +Ralph was lost in thought for a moment, then cheerfully cried: + +"Oh, well, never mind, mother; Delia can have mine, and I'll live!" + + +She was making the usual female search for her purse when the conductor +came to collect the fares. + +Her companion meditated silently for a moment, then, addressing the +other, said: + +"Let us divide this Mabel; you fumble and I'll pay." + + + + +GENTLEMEN + + +"Sadie, what is a gentleman?" + +"Please, ma'am," she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't know very +well." + + +Two characters in Jeffery Farnol's "Amateur Gentleman" give these +definitions of a gentleman: + +"A gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university, but doesn't have to +learn anything; who goes out into the world, but doesn't have to work at +anything; and who has never been black-balled at any of the clubs." + +"A gentleman is (I take it) one born with the God-like capacity to think +and feel for others, irrespective of their rank or condition.... One who +possesses an ideal so lofty, a mind so delicate, that it lifts him above +all things ignoble and base, yet strengthens his hands to raise those +who are fallen--no matter how low." + + + + +GERMANS + + +The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At the +dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so +silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks. + +"Quite right," responded Heine, "but to-night I have exchanged views +with my German friends and my head is fearfully empty." + + + + +GHOSTS + + +"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal +to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, told +some friends in New York recently. "Personally, in the course of a +fairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story. Its +hero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks. + +"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted chamber for +the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness, but +nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he took to bed with him a +revolver of the latest American pattern. + +"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he awoke +with an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head and peered +about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full moon, and in that +weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a small, white hand clasping +the rail at the foot of the bed. + +"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously. + +"There was no reply. The small white hand did not move. + +"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot.' + +"Again there was no reply. + +"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired. + +"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own toes." + + + + +GIFTS + + +When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a check +for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, Felicia Robson, +who attended the wedding conveyed the gift. + +"Felicia," said her father upon her return, "did you give him the +check?" + +"Yes, Father," answered the daughter. + +"What did he say?" asked Robson. + +"He didn't say anything," replied Miss Felicia, "but he shed tears." + +"How long did he cry?" + +"Why Father, I didn't time him. I should say, however, that he wept +fully a minute." + +"Fully a minute," mused Robson. "Why, Daughter, I cried an hour after I +signed it." + + +A church house in a certain rural district was sadly in need of repairs. +The official board had called a meeting of the parishioners to see what +could be done toward raising the necessary funds. One of the wealthiest +and stingiest of the adherents of that church arose and said that he +would give five dollars, and sat down. + +Just then a bit of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him squarely +upon the head. Whereupon he jumped up, looked confused and said: +"I--er--I meant I'll give fifty dollars!" then again resumed his seat. + +After a brief silence a voice was heard to say: "O Lord, hit 'im again!" + + +He gives twice who gives quickly because the collectors come around +later on and hit him for another subscription.--_Puck_. + + +"Presents," I often say, "endear Absents."--_Charles Lamb_. + + +In giving, a man receives more than he gives, and the more is in +proportion to the worth of the thing given.--_George MacDonald_. + + +_See also_ Christmas gifts. + + + + +GLUTTONY + + +A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince +pie. + +A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die. + +"No," the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from eating +too much." + + +There was a young person named Ned, +Who dined before going to bed, + On lobster and ham + And salad and jam, +And when he awoke he was dead. + + + + +GOLF + + +Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour. +As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock: + +"Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'." + +"The morrn'?" Jock repeated. + +"Aye, mon, the morrn'," said Sandy. "I'll go ye a roond on the links in +the morrn'." + +"Aye, weel," said Jock, "I'll go ye. But I had intended to get marriet +in the morrn'." + + +GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent-- + +"Sir, I wish you clearly to understand that I resent your +unwarrant--your interference with my game, sir! Tilt the green once +more, sir, and I chuck the match." + + +Doctor William S. Rainsford is an inveterate golf player. When he was +rector of St. George's Church, in New York City, he was badly beaten on +the links by one of his vestrymen. To console the clergyman the +vestryman ventured to say: "Never mind, Doctor, you'll get satisfaction +some day when I pass away. Then you'll read the burial service over me." + +"I don't see any satisfaction in that," answered the clergy-man, "for +you'll still be in the hole." + + +SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Willie, do you know what beomes of boys who use +bad language when they're playing marbles?" + +WILLIE--"Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf." + + +The game of golf, as every humorist knows, is conducive to profanity. It +is also a terrible strain on veracity, every man being his own umpire. + +Four men were playing golf on a course where the hazard on the ninth +hole was a deep ravine. + +They drove off. Three went into the ravine and one managed to get his +ball over. The three who had dropped into the ravine walked up to have a +look. Two of them decided not to try to play their balls out and gave up +the hole. The third said he would go down and play out his ball. He +disappeared into the deep crevasse. Presently his ball came bobbing out +and after a time he climbed up. + +"How many strokes?" asked one of his opponents. + +"Three." + +"But I heard six." + +"Three of them were echoes!" + + +When Mark Twain came to Washington to try to get a decent copyright law +passed, a representative took him out to Chevy Chase. + +Mark Twain refused to play golf himself, but he consented to walk over +the course and watch the representative's strokes. The representative +was rather a duffer. Teeing off, he sent clouds of earth flying in all +directions. Then, to hide his confusion he said to his guest: "What do +you think of our links here, Mr. Clemens?" + +"Best I ever tasted," said Mark Twain, as he wiped the dirt from his +lips with his handkerchief. + + + + +GOOD FELLOWSHIP + + + A glass is good, a lass is good, + And a pipe to smoke in cold weather, + The world is good and the people are good, + And we're all good fellows together. + + + May good humor preside when good fellows meet, + And reason prescribe when'tis time to retreat. + + +Here's to us that are here, to you that are there, and the rest of us +everywhere. + + + Here's to all the world,-- + For fear some darn fool may take offence. + + + + +GOSSIP + + +A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_. + + +Gossips are the spies of life. + + +"However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?" + +"I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to +each other." + + +The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, the +neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows the ways +of the world. + +Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a +particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over very +solemnly sent the little girl up to her room. + +An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sitting +complacently on the window seat, looking out at the other children. + +"Well, little girl," the mother began, "did you tell God all about how +naughty you'd been?" + +The youngster shook her head, emphatically. "Guess I didn't," she +gurgled; "why, it'd be all over heaven in no time." + + +Get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody down.--_Life_. + + +"Papa, mamma says that one-half the world doesn't know how the other +half lives." + +"Well, she shouldn't blame herself, dear, it isn't her fault." + + +It is only national history that "repeats itself." Your private history +is repeated by the neighbors. + + +"You're a terrible scandal-monger, Linkum," said Jorrocks. + +"Why in thunder don't you make it a rule to tell only half what you +hear?" + +"That's what I do do," said Linkum. "Only I tell the spicy half." + + +"What," asked the Sunday-school teacher, "is meant by bearing false +witness against one's neighbor?" + +"It's telling falsehoods about them," said the one small maid. + +"Partly right and partly wrong," said the teacher. + +"I know," said another little girl, holding her hand high in the air. +"It's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told about +it."--_H.R. Bennett_. + + +MAUD--"That story you told about Alice isn't worth repeating." + +KATE--"It's young yet; give it time." + + +SON--"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?" + +FATHER--"Because they are too polite to leave off the 'e.'" + + + I cannot tell how the truth may be; + I say the tale as 'twas said to me. + + +Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty, and if +you do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, "Why should I tell +it?"--_Lavater_. + + + + +GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP + + +"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the +government?" + +"I might if I didn't know who controlled the +government."--_Life_. + + + + +GOVERNORS + + +The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a +Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table +sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governor +solemnly throughout the repast. + +Finally the youngster asked, "Are you really and truly a governor?" + +"Yes," replied the great man laughingly; "I really and truly am." + +"I've always wanted to see a governor," continued the child, "for I've +heard Daddy speak of 'em." + +"Well," rejoined the Governor, "now that you have seen one, are you +satisfied?" + +"No, sir," answered the youngster, without the slightest impertinence, +but with an air of great conviction, "no, sir; I'm disappointed." + + + + +GRAFT + + +"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner. + +"Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which +ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to +apologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to explain +how they got it." + + +LADY--"I guess you're gettin' a good thing out o' tending the rich Smith +boy, ain't ye, doctor?" + +DOCTOR--"Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee. Why?" + +LADY--"Well, I hope you won't forget that my Willie threw the brick that +hit 'im!" + + +Every man has his price, but some hold bargain sales.--_Satire_. + + +The Democrats had a clear working majority in ----, Illinois, for a +number of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect it +enfranchised so many of the "culled bredren" as to make it apparent to +the party leaders that unless a good many black votes could be bought +up, the Republicans would carry the city election. Accordingly advances +were made to the Rev. Brother ----, whose influence it was thought +desirable to secure, inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of +his entire church. + +He was found "open to conviction," and arrangements progressed +satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary to +secure his vote and influence. + +With an air of offended dignity, Brother ---- replied: + +"Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist Church dis +ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low; but, gemmen, my son +will call round to see you in de mornin'." + + +A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned his new +suit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a cafe and +refreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his pocket for the money +to settle his check, he realized that he had neglected to transfer both +purse and watch when he left his suit. As he hesitated, somewhat +embarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor at his feet. Seizing it +thankfully, he stepped to the cashier's desk and presented both check +and money. + +"That was a two dollar bill," he explained when he counted his change. + +"I know it," said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head. "I'm +dividing with you. I saw it first." + + + + +GRATITUDE + + +After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the +thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, +I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked +down in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?" + + +Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner who +complained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to read. + +"Nutt'n but continued stories," he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung next +Tuesday." + + +It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the United +Society of Lady Vegetarians. + +They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to boil, when, +horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the scene. + +Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging creature +pounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red parasol. By great +good fortune she nipped over the stile before it could reach her. Then, +regaining her breath, she turned round. + +"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been a +vegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!" + + +Miss PASSAY--"You have saved my life, young man. How can I repay you? +How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?" + +YOUNG MAN--"Yes; come and be a cook for us." + + + + +GREAT BRITAIN + + +One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the +House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of the +small boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its way +through the lobby. First came the Speaker, and then the chaplain, and +next the other officers. + +"Who, father, is that gentleman?" said the small boy, pointing to the +chaplain. + +"That, my son," said the father, "is the chaplain of the House." + +"Does he pray for the members?" asked the small boy. + +The father thought a minute and then said: "No, my son; when he goes +into the House he looks around and sees the members sitting there and +then he prays for the country."--_Cardiff Mail_. + + +There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of history, who +has evidently profited by such observations as he may have overheard his +father utter touching certain phases of British empire-building. At any +rate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the opinion not infrequently +expressed in regard to the righteousness of "British occupation." It was +he who handed in the following essay on the making of a British colony: + +"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. First +she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a specially +beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round him +and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are shut, up goes the +British flag." + + + + +GRIEF + + +Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to +ride in his new car. + +"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?" + +"No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that--I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes' +nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve." + + + + +GUARANTEES + + +TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?" + +GUARD--"Yes, sir." + +TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?" + +GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!" + + + + +GUESTS + + +"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at +breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?" + +"Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin', +suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and we's savin' +all de fresh aigs for him, suh." + + + "Here's a health to thee and thine + From the hearts of me and mine; + And when thee and thine + Come to see me and mine, + May me and mine make thee and thine + As welcome as thee and thine + Have ever made me and mine." + + + + +HABIT + + +Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young +timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times +spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you +want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him." + +One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at the +first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him by the arm, +dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him over her knee and did her +duty. + +When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?" + +"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors." + + +In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was +appointed police magistrate. + +"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case was +called. + +"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman. + +The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant. + +"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded. + +"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop." + +"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he absently +polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief. + + +"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to another. +"Did you see it?" + +"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise." + + +A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an early +train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. Near the +station he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him with: + +"Say, son, got another cigarette?" + +"No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings." + +"All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very well. +Will you fix one for me?" + +The boy did. + +"Don't believe I've got a match," said the man, after a search through +his pockets. + +The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain," he said "you ain't got +anything but the habit, have you?" + + + Habit with him was all the test of truth; + "It must be right: I've done it from my youth." + + --_Crabbe_. + + + + +HADES + + +_See_ Future life. + + + + +HAPPINESS + + +Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school +question: + +"The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much +discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the +schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is well +reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said: + + "'Dear parents--We are having a good time now at school. + George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went + skating and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was + drowned. Most of the boys here are down with influenza. The + gardener fell into our cave and broke his rib, but he can work + a little. The aviator man at the race course kicked us because + we threw sand in his motor, and we are all black and blue. I + broke my front tooth playing football. We are very happy.'" + + +Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make +them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of +it.--_Sydney Smith_. + + + + +HARNESSING + + +The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a +little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horse +was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished +for an hour or two. + +When they were ready to go home, a difficulty at once presented itself, +inasmuch as neither of the Trentonians knew how to reharness the horse. +Every effort in this direction met with dire failure, and the worst +problem was properly to adjust the bit. The horse himself seemed to +resent the idea of going into harness again. + +Finally one of the friends, in great disgust, sat down in the road. +"There's only one thing we can do, Bill," said he. + +"What's that?" asked Bill. + +"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!" + + + + +HARVARD UNIVERSITY + + +"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a match +factory." + +"That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads, +but we get the sticks from Harvard."--_C. Stratton_. + + + + +HASH + + +"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connecting +link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?" + +"Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash." + + + + +HASTE + + +The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd +rushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every +shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat +only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an instant on +the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made a +flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely on +the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on which +he struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash. When the +arriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat +man. "I hope I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway I +caught the boat!" + +"But you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!" + + + + +HEALTH RESORTS + + +"Where've you been, Murray?" + +"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great." + +"Then why did you come away?" + +"Oh, I got sick and had to come home." + +"Are you going back?" + +"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough." + + + + +HEARING + + +The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had +overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife. + +"They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard her +mention 'a trained deer.'" + +"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must have! They +were talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out about the train, +dear.'" + +"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talking +about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as distinctly as could +be." + +The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herself +appeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for a +settlement. + +"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each one. +"I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if it +rained here last night." + +After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence.--_W.J. +Lampton_. + + + + +HEAVEN + + +"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you +make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas." + +"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt." + +"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven." + +"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones up +there."--_I.C. Curtis_. + + +_See also_ Future life. + + + + +HEIRLOOMS + + +HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings +heirlooms?" + +SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family +since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it only +dates from the conquest." + + +"My grandfather was a captain of industry." + +"Well?" + +"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books." + + + + +HELL + + +_See_ Future life. + + + + +HEREDITY + + +"Papa, what does hereditary mean?" + +"Something which descends from father to son." + +"Is a spanking hereditary?" + + +William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers, +silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. He +entered the library where his father was reading. The old gentleman +looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgusted +he became. + +"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d--- fool!" + +Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the boy +heartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you look +exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came back +from school!" + +"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just telling me." + + +"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken. I +wonder why?" said Jones. + +"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and the +other from eggs." + + +"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, it +may turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?" + +"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child may +develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the +house." + + +_See also_ Ancestry. + + + + +HEROES + + +THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve +a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?" + +THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_. + + +MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?" + +MR. SCRAPER--"I reckon I am." + +MR. HENPECK--"Shake! You're a hero." + + +Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.--_Emerson_.HIGH COST OF +LIVING + + +_See_ Cost of living. + + + + +HINTING + + +Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and +butter, and politely said, "Thank you." + +"That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say +'thank you.'" + +"Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again, you might +put some jam on it." + + + + +HOME + + +Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your +old manners. + + + Who hath not met with home-made bread, + A heavy compound of putty and lead-- + And home-made wines that rack the head, + And home-made liquors and waters? + Home-made pop that will not foam, + And home-made dishes that drive one from home-- + * * * * * * + Home-made by the homely daughters. + + --_Hood_. + + + + +HOMELINESS + + +_See_ Beauty, Personal. + + + + +HOMESTEADS + + +"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all +about this law. Tell me what I am to do." + +"Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law, +but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The government is +willin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteen +dollars that you can't live on it five years without starving to +death."--_Fenimore Martin_. + + + + +HONESTY + + +"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving +smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill." + + +VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why +didn't you have a pal?" + +PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest." + + +Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a story about +honesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a position in a +dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, and references +were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver in +the firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerk +sought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest. +'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his honesty's been proved again and +again. To my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times for +stealing and every time he was acquitted.'" + + +"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came to +measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found them +nearly two barrels short?" + +"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your own +flour-barrels." + +"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let's +imbibe." + + +The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot. + +"This game ain't on the level," protested Sagebush Sam, at the same time +producing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That ain't the hand I +dealt ye!" + + +A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two dumpy +little boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in a quarter, +she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for that money. + +"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in," said the clerk. + +"Oh, no, mister," she said. "I never pay for them. I never can spare +more than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat you any, +mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they get into a +seat, and don't see a single bit of it." + +The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two children +to pass in. + +Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the auditorium and +handed a twenty-five-cent piece to the ticket-seller. + +"What's this?" demanded the latter. + +"I don't know," said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman beckoned me +clear across the house, and said one of her kids had waked up and was +looking at the show, and that I should bring you that quarter." + + + + +HONOR + + +In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and +reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried: + +"All tickets, please!" + +Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned the +faces of the others and said, slowly and impressively: + +"Gentlemen, I trust to your honor." + +And he dived under the seat and remained there in a small, silent knot +till the conductor was safely gone. + + + Titles of honour add not to his worth, + Who is himself an honour to his titles. + + --_John Ford_. + + + + +HOPE + + +FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's +death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same +way." + +BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_. + + + + +HORSES + + +A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two +dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a +five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it, +looked it over for a moment or so, and then asked: + +"Which horse do you want?" + + +A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with his +horse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and then stop +again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting it +started. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously: + +"Is your horse sick?" + +"Not as I knows of." + +"Is he balky?" + +"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, that +he stops every once in a while to listen." + + +A German farmer was in search of a horse. + +"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's five years +old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping." + +The German threw his hands skyward. + +"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from town, und +mit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles." + + +There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse flesh. + +The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of his +master's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal fell ill +and died. + +"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy the next +morning. + +"I'm sorry, boss," the lad faltered. + +"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me for my +horse?" + +"I'll make it all right, boss," said the boy soothingly. "You can take +it out of my next Saturday's wages." + + +Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of town on +important law business. As he had a long distance to travel he hired a +horse from a livery stable. When a few days later he returned he took +the horse back to the stable and asked the man who had given it to him: +"Keep this horse for funerals?" + +"No, indeed," answered the man indignantly. + +"Glad to hear it," said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse wouldn't +get there in time for the resurrection." + + + + +HOSPITALITY + + +Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted +from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck +in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door. + +As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down his +collar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel the stream of +water coursing down his back. Another spell of pounding, and finally the +red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window. + +"Watcher want?" it asked. + +"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler answered +testily. + +The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering. + +"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the window. + + +The old friends had had three days together. + +"You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the morning +of his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet." + +"Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the host +comfortably. "I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you come +again." + + +A youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading aloud +to him when a caller came. In a few minutes his mother was called to the +telephone. The boy turned to the caller and said "Now you beat it +home." Ollie James, the famous Kentucky Congressman and raconteur, hails +from a little town in the western part of the state, but his patriotism +is state-wide, and when Louisville made a bid for the last Democratic +national convention she had no more enthusiastic supporter than James. A +Denver supporter was protesting. + +"Why, you know, Colonel," said he, "Louisville couldn't take care of the +crowds. Even by putting cots in the halls, parlors, and the dining-rooms +of the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough." + +"Beds!" echoed the genial Congressman, "why, sir, Louisville would make +her visitors have such a thundering good time that no gentleman would +think of going to bed!" + + + + +HOSTS + + + I thank you for your welcome which was cordial, + And your cordial which was welcome. + + + Here's to the host and the hostess, + We're honored to be here tonight; + May they both live long and prosper, + May their star of hope ever be bright. + + + + +HOTELS + + +In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the +day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the +neck."--_Country Life_. + + + + +HUNGER + + +A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was +pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished +wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to +devour it. But they soon caught up with him, and he shot another, which +was in turn devoured. This was repeated until the last famished wolf was +almost upon him with yearning jaws, when-- + +"Say, partner," broke in one of the listeners, "according to your +reckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other 'leven inside +of him." + +"Well, come to think it over," said the story teller, "maybe he wasn't +so darned famished after all." + + + + +HUNTING + + +A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting" +in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest +shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game. + +After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the visitor's +first barrell. + +The host's face fell also. + +"We may as well return," he remarked, gloomily, "for that was the only +snipe in the neighborhood." + +The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six weeks. + + + + +HURRY + + +See Haste. + + + + +HUSBANDS + + +"Is she making him a good wife?" + +"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband." + + +A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but +unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided +between them. The wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor at +the old address, but the husband went on a tour. + +After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a reconciliation +took place, as the result of which they became business partners once +more. A few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sent +into fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers: + +"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanently +increased." + + +An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country with a +number of his colleagues was dining at an American house and telling how +much he had enjoyed various phases of his visit. + +"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him. + +"Ach, dhey are woonderful," the German gentleman replied; "so swift, so +safe chenerally--und such luxury in all dhe furnishings und +opp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one thing--our wives do not like +dhe upper berths." + + +A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington were one +night speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage, took up his +residence in another city. One of the grouches had recently visited the +old friend, and, naturally, the other grouch wanted news of the +Benedict. + +"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch. + +"I wouldn't say just that," grimly responded the first grouch, "but I'll +tell you of a little incident in their household that came within my +observation. The very first morning I spent with them, our old friend +answered the letter carrier's whistle. As he returned to us, in the +breakfast room, he carried a letter in his hand. Turning to his wife, he +said: + +"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"--_Edwin Tarrisse_. + + +"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman. + +"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy +feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed." + + +NEIGHBOR--"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the hangels now?" + +LONG-SUFFERING WIDOW--"Not 'im. 'Ittin' the hangels wiv the 'arp's +nearer 'is mark!" + + +"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to another +during a talk. + +"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply. + +"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a husband--you're a +habit." + + +MR. HENPECK--"Is my wife going out, Jane?" + +JANE--"Yessir." + +MR. HENPECK--"Do you know if I am going with her?" + + +A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock, +and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had an +amusing old colored woman for a cook. + +One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for the +mistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husband +send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?" + +"Certainly, my husband, Mammy," proudly answered the lady. + +"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well." + + +An absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a letter to his +wife, in the office. As a result, the signature read: + +Your loving husband, + +HOPKINS BROS. + +_Winifred C. Bristol_. + + +Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had +helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again. + +"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her +marriage. + +"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered. + +"And is your husband a good provider?" + +"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply. "Why, +jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at." + + +"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do." + +"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile." + + +"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?" + +"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his wife."--_Judge_. + + +A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party." Every guest +was to bring something that she could not find any use for, and yet too +good to throw away. The party would have been a great success but for +the unlooked-for development which broke it up. Eleven of the nineteen +women brought their husbands. + + + A very man--not one of nature's clods-- + With human failings, whether saint or sinner: + Endowed perhaps with genius from the gods + But apt to take his temper from his dinner. + + --_J. G. Saxe_. + + +A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrella +like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put out +the eye of the man behind her. + +"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped. + + +OLD MONEY (dying)--"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes, +dear." + +YOUNG WIFE--"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always remember how very +kind you were when you left me." + + +An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his late +hours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in the +following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed: + +"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in the +hall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip into bed with the ease +of experience. + +"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping in +the bed with us. So when I began to slide under the covers she stirred +in her sleep and pushed me on the head. + +"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said. + +"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick her +hand, and she dozed off again!" + + +MR. HOMEBODY--"I see you keep copies of +all the letters you write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeating +yourself?" + +MR. FARAWAY--"No. To avoid contradicting myself." + + + There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad, + There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad; + But the gladness in his gladness, + Nor the sadness in his sadness, + Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad. + + +_See also_ Cowards; Domestic finance. + + + + +HYBRIDIZATION + + +We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut +Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now +we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenter +attached to the Berlin War Office, who has crossed carrier pigeons with +parrots, so that Wilhelmstrasse can now get verbal messages through the +enemy's lines.--_Warwick James Price_. + + + + +HYPERBOLE + + +"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had +their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to +out in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thought +my fortune was sure made. However, I didn't harvest one." + +He waited for queries, but his friends knew him, and he was forced to +continue unurged: + +"The vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' 'em +'round. However, the second year my two little boys made up their minds +to get a taste of one anyhow, so they took turns, carryin' one along +with the vine and--" + +But his companions had already started toward the barroom door. + + +News comes from Southern Kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk to see +how the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing faster than +the boy can climb down. The boy is clear out of sight. Three men have +taken the contract for cutting down the stalk with axes to save the boy +a horrible death by starving, but the stalk grows so rapidly that they +can't hit twice in the same place. The boy is living on green corn alone +and has already thrown down over four bushels of cobs. Even if the corn +holds out there is still danger that the boy will reach a height where +he will be frozen to death. There is some talk of attempting his rescue +with a balloon.--_Topeka Capital_. + + + + +HYPOCRISY + + +Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness. + + +TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?" + +TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."--_Graham +Charteris_. + + + + +IDEALS + + +The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled +little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's +father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing +an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with this injunction chalked +above it: + +"Keep your eye on this and do your best." + + + + +ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS + + +A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the +back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and +write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new." + +The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished and +sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingers +to the floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing, and +stuck. The patient hadn't seen the cockroach--what he did see was his +escaped postage stamp zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to the +baseboard, wavering up over the baseboard, and following a crooked track +up the wall and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the +letter he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor. + +"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three years." + + + + +IMAGINATION + + +One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about +their respective ages. + +"I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May, +and your's don't come till September." + +"Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted, "but +that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angels +when they were making you." + +The mother instantly summoned her daughter. "It's breaking mother's +heart to hear you tell such awful stories," she said. "Don't you +remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?" + +"Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying. I saw them +carried into the corner drug store!" + + + + +IMITATION + + +Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As +You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was +overlooked by a rising brick edifice. + +One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the +building exclaimed with the utmost gravity: + +"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick." + + + + +INFANTS + + +A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you +have the baby half the time." + +"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!" + +"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights." + + +"Is the baby strong?" + +"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"--_Comic Cuts_. + + +Recipe for a baby: + + Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk, + Smother with a pillow any sneeze; + Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back-- + "Don't forget that you were one of these." + + --_Life_. + + + + +INQUISITIVENESS + + +_See_ Wives. + + + + +INSANITY + + +_See_ Editors; Love. + + + + +INSPIRATIONS + + +She was from Boston, and he was not. + +He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew +nothing, and their books, of which he knew less. + +Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and +Juliet?'" + +He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliant +thought, blurted out, happily: + +"I've--I've read Romeo!" + + + + +INSTALMENT PLAN + + +Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying +instalments on. + + + + +INSTRUCTIONS + + +A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in +the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up +the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned +to the young man in uniform. + +"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to be +well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?" + +"Yes, sir, but--" + +"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boys +away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extra +blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into +another. I want you to--" + +"But, say, boss, I--" + +"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talking +myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get the +good of it. Not a word, sir." + +The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin and +swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can do +the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell +you--but I ain't going out on that train." + + + + +INSURANCE, LIFE + + +A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other +day. + +"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked. + +"No," said the man. + +"Do you motor?" + +"No." + +"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?" + +"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous--" + +But the agent interrupted him curtly. + +"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians." + + + + +INSURANCE BLANKS + + +_See_ Irish bulls. + + + + +INSURGENTS + + +"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call +that kind of cucumber?" + +"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It +doesn't always agree with a party." + + + + +INTERVIEWS + + +"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?" + +"No," replied Senator Soghum. + +"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?" + +"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews." + + + + +INVITATIONS + + +"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the +marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite +sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to +the attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows: + +"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and Miss +Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All who +cannot come may send."--_Howard Morse_. + + +One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street. + +"Come and dine with us tonight," the mandarin said graciously. + +"Thank you," said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow night do +just as well?" + +"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the mandarin +curiously. + +"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to give me +tonight's invitation." + + +MARION (just from the telephone)--"He wanted to +know if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would." + +MADELINE--"Who was speaking?" + +MARION--"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask." + + +Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented, +provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had had trouble, but, +rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to invite +Tommy. + +On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had arrived +except Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her son. + +"Willie," she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party tonight?" + +"Yes, Mother." + +"And did he say he would not come?" + +"No," explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared him to +come." + + + + +IRISH BULLS + + +Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching +tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, +asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he +says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side av +the foot that's in the air, an' remain motionless." + + +"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's +absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing +the same you will greatly oblige his mother." + + +An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather +freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when the +Irishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git on +I'll git off." + + +"The doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope, but if 'e +don't, the doctor says 'e give 'im up." + + +For rent--A room for a gentleman with all conveniences. + + +A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him: +"Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay her +funeral expenses." + + +A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, said +sharply: "John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do. +Come up here and let me give you some work." + + +A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroom +one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisle +and chewing gum. + +"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of your +mouth and put your feet in." + + +MAGISTRATE--"You admit you stole the pig?" + +PRISONER--"I 'ave to." + +MAGISTRATE--"Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing going +on lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us will +be safe."--_M.L. Hayward_. + + +"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent, "Gideon +did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down +to drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the +other."--_Joe King_. + + +"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder." + +"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?" + +"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it." + + +A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton procession +from Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was jerked down by a +policeman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed from +that vantage point, climbed the railing of Li Hung Chang's gingko-tree. +Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't look at annything frum where ye +can see it frum." + + +MRS. JENKINS--"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought a +house next you, with a water frontage." + +MRS. SMITH--"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time." + + +In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was posted: + +"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen are +requested to make use of them only after the former are seated." + + +Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in two +places at the same time, barring he is a bird." + + +A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in speech, +remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. "I don't +know why it is--every time I get up to speak, some fool talks." Then he +wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter.--_Grub S. +Arts_. + + +Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being tried +for an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery on his side, +and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping, not +loudly, but like muffled drums. A big policeman came up to the gallery, +scowled at the disturbers then, when that had no effect, called out in a +stage whisper: + +"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer feet!" + + +The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up are +often more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical Journal +shows in the following excellent selection of examples: + +Mother died in infancy. + +Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up dead. + +Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she bade +fair to reach a ripe old age. + + +Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity, except that +they died at an advanced age. + +Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that she +fully recovered from her last illness. + +Applicant has never been fatally sick. + +Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere child. + +Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but she was +cured before death. + + + + +IRISHMEN + + +A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a +brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_. + + +Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England +preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a spark +of humor struck from flint. "These Irish, anciently called +'Anthropophagi,' man-eaters, have a tradition among them that when the +devil showed Our Savior all the kingdoms of the earth and their glory, +he would not show Him Ireland, but reserved it for himself; it is +probably true, for he hath kept it ever since for his own peculiar." + + +An Irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons and +invited his caller to take a look at them. + +"Ain't they fine boys?" inquired the father. + +"They are," agreed the visitor. + +"The finest in the world!" exclaimed the father. "An' I nivver laid +violent hands on any one of 'em except in silf-difince."--_Popular +Magazine_. + + +_See also_ Fighting; Irish bulls. + + + + +IRREVERENCE + + + There were three young women of Birmingham, + And I know a sad story concerning 'em: + They stuck needles and pins + In the reverend shins + Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. + + --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. + + +A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new novel by Gertrude Atherton. +After reading the review Mrs. Atherton wrote to Mr. James as follows: + + "Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of + my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or + not?" + + Sincerely, + + "GERTRUDE ATHERTON." + + + + +JEWELS + + + The girl with the ruby lips we like, + The lass with teeth of pearl, + The maid with the eyes like diamonds, + The cheek-like-coral girl; + The girl with the alabaster brow, + The lass from the Emerald Isle. + All these we like, but not the jade + With the sardonyx smile. + + + + + +JEWS + + +What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the +banana. + + +He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently +a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively +at the little oily Jew who occupied the other half of the car seat with +him. + +The little Jew looked at him deprecatingly. "Nice day," he began +politely. + +"You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the Yankee. + +"Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman," handing him a card. + +"But you're a Jew?" + +"Yes, yes, I'm a Jew," came the answer. + +"Well," continued the Yankee, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little village +in Maine where I come from I'm proud to say there ain't a Jew." + +"Dot's why it's a village," replied the little Jew quietly. + + +The men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One said +Stephenson, who invented the locomotive. Another declared it was the man +who invented the compass. Another contended for Edison. Still another +for the Wrights, + +Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained silent: + +"Who do you think?" + +"Vell," he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented interest +was no slouch." + + +Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famous +specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the +waiting-room. + +After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and +whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain't +he?" + +"One of the best," the gentleman told him. + +Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something. + +"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then, +ain't he? Vat does he charge?" + +The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rather +shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five +dollars for each visit thereafter." + +"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky--"Fifty tollars the first time und +twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!" + +For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Und +twenty-five tollars each time afterwards," he kept muttering. Finally, +just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliant +inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands. + +"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am _again_." + + +The Jews are among the aristocracy of every land; if a literature is +called rich in the possession of a few classic tragedies what shall we +say to a national tragedy lasting for fifteen hundred years, in which +the poets and the actors were also the heroes.--_George Eliot_. + + +_See also_ Failures; Fires. + + + + +JOKES + + +A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and +different in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J. +Burtscher_. + + +JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last +week." + +BOGGS--"What luck did you have with them?" + +JOKELY--"Oh, they all came flying back."--_Will S. Gidley_. + + + "I ne'er forget a joke I have + Once heard!" Augustus cried. + "And neither do you let your friends + Forget it!" Jane replied. + + --_Childe Harold_. + +A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the noon +hour, sleeping in the hot sun. The clock struck one, the time to pick up +his hod again. He rose, stretched, and grumbled: "I wish I wuz daid. +'Tain' nothin' but wuk, wuk from mawnin' tell night." + +Another negro, a story above, heard the complaint and dropped a brick on +the grumbler's head. + +Dazed he looked up and said: + +"De Lawd can' stan' no jokes. He jes' takes ev'ything in yearnist." + + +The late H.C. Bunner, when editor of _Puck_, once received a letter +accompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked: "What +will you give me for these?" + +"Ten yards start," was Bunner's generous offer, written beneath the +query. + + +NEW CONGRESSMAN--"What can I do for you, sir?" + +SALESMAN (of Statesmen's Anecdote Manufacturing Company)--"I shall be +delighted if you'll place an order for a dozen of real, live, snappy, +humorous anecdotes as told by yourself, sir." + + +Jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years ago from +Egypt, Babylon and Assyria, and have since then grown and multiplied. +They are in extensive use in all parts of the country and as an antidote +for thought are indispensable at all dinner parties. + +There were originally twenty-five jokes, but when this country was +formed they added a constitution, which increased the number to +twenty-six. These jokes have married and inter-married among themselves +and their children travel from press to press. + +Frequently in one week a joke will travel from New York to San +Francisco. + +The joke is no respecter of persons. Shameless and unconcerned, he tells +the story of his life over and over again. Outside of the ballot-box he +is the greatest repeater that we have. + +Jokes are of three kinds--plain, illustrated and pointless. Frequently +they are all three. + +No joke is without honor, except in its own country. Jokes form one of +our staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and day to turn +out the often neatly finished product. The importation of jokes while +considerable is not as great as it might be, as the flavor is lost in +transit. + +Jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic. As scenebreakers they +have no equal.--_Life_. + + + Here's to the joke, the good old joke, + The joke that our fathers told; + It is ready tonight and is jolly and bright + As it was in the days of old. + + When Adam was young it was on his tongue, + And Noah got in the swim + By telling the jest as the brightest and best + That ever happened to him. + + So here's to the joke, the good old joke-- + We'll hear it again tonight. + It's health we will quaff; that will help us to laugh, + And to treat it in manner polite. + + --_Lew Dockstader_. + + + A jest's prosperity lies in the ear + Of him that hears it, never in the tongue + Of him that makes it. + + --_Shakespeare_. + + + +JOURNALISM + + +A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turning +to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the little pate, +"this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," cried the untutored +old aunty, soothingly, "never you mind 'bout dat; dat'll come right in +time." + + +John R. McLean, owner of the Cincinnati _Enquirer_ and the Washington +_Post_, tells this story of the days when he was actively in charge of +the Cincinnati newspaper: An _Enquirer_ reporter was sent to a town in +southwestern Ohio to get the story of a woman evangelist who had been +greatly talked about. The reporter attended one of her meetings and +occupied a front seat. When those who wished to be saved were asked to +arise, he kept his seat and used his notebook. The evangelist +approached, and, taking him by the hand, said, "Come to Jesus." + +"Madam," said the newspaper man, "I'm here solely on business--to report +your work." + +"Brother," said she, "there is no business so important as God's." + +"Well, may be not," said the reporter; "but you don't know John R. +McLean." + + + A newspaper man named Fling + Could make "copy" from any old thing. + But the copy he wrote + Of a five dollar note + Was so good he is now in Sing Sing. + + --_Columbia Jester_. + + +"Come in," called the magazine editor. + +"Sir, I have called to see about that article of mine that you bought +two years ago. My name is Pensnink--Percival Perrhyn Pensnink. My +composition was called 'The Behavior of Chipmunks in Thunderstorms,' and +I should like to know how much longer I must watch and wait before I +shall see it in print." + +"I remember," the editor replied. "We are saving your little essay to +use at the time of your death. When public attention is drawn to an +author we like to have something of his on hand." + + + Hear, land o' cakes, and brither Scots, + Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat's; + If there's a hole in a' your coats, + I rede you tent it: + A chiel's amang you taking notes, + And, faith, he'll prent it. + + --_Burns_. + + +_See also_ Newspapers. + + + + +JUDGES + + +A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish. +An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the +interpreter. + +"What does he say?" demanded his lordship. + +"Nothing, my lord," was the reply. + +"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what was +it?" + +"My lord," said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had nothing to +do with the case." + +"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge. "Now, what +did he say?" + +"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old woman +with the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?" + +At which the court roared. + +"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little uncomfortable. + +"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going to hang +you." + + +A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a charge +of stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him, the judge +asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the coop was so near +the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in the yard. + +"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge," answered the darky, "to try to +'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like as not +yo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken, nuther. Ef yo' +wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better stick to de bench +whar yo' am familiar."--_Mrs. L.F. Clarke_. + + +Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely, to +consider soberly, and to decide impartially.--_Socrates_. + + + + +JUDGMENT + + +HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women." + +WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_. + + + + +JURY + + +In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say, +"Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with +laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock. + + +There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman to whom +the thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed, and wore an +air of a man determined not to "get the worst of it." + +"Prisoner at the bar," called out the clerk, "do you wish to challenge +any of the jury?" + +The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully. + +"Well, I tell ye," he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in trainin', +but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot fat old boy in +th' corner." + + +JUSTICE + + +There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side. + + +"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour +ago!" + +"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too +hard, so I thought I'd just even up." + + + One man's word is no man's word, + Justice is that both be heard. + + +He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decide +justly cannot be considered just.--_Seneca_. + + + + +JUVENILE DELINQUENCY + + +A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store. +A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the +station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid +done?" + + + + +KENTUCKY + + +Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws. + + + + +KINDNESS + + +Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at +home.--_Abe Martin_. + + +An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to +see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As +they crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimme +that basket, Hannah." + +The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful look. + +"That's real kind o' ye, Joshua," she quavered. + +"Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost." + + +A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, stood +directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she +lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his +toes. + +As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat. + +"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath. + +"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply +self-defense." + + + + +KINGS AND RULERS + + +"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to +my accomplishments." + +"Aren't they rather light?" + +"They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution +occurs and I have to go into vaudeville." + + +The present King George in his younger days visited Canada in company +with the Duke of Clarence. One night at a ball in Quebec, given in honor +of the two royalties, the younger Prince devoted his time exclusively to +the young ladies, paying little or no attention to the elderly ones and +chaperons. + +His brother reprimanded him, pointing out to him his social position and +his duty as well. + +"That's all right," said the young Prince. "There are two of us. You go +and sing God save your Grandmother, while I dance with the girls." + + + And so we sing, "Long live the King; + Long live the Queen and Jack; + Long live the Ten-spot and the Ace, + And also all the pack." + + --_Eugene Field_. + + +FIRST EUROPEAN SOCIETY LADY--"Wouldn't you like to be presented to our +sovereign?" + +SECOND E.S.L.--"No. Simply because I have to be governed by a man is no +reason why I should condescend to meet him socially." + + +One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General Von +Meerscheidt for some small lapses. + +"If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please permit +me to resign," said the General. + +"No; you are too young to resign," said the Kaiser. + +In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw the old +General talking to some young ladies, and he said: + +"General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament will +vanish." + +"Excuse me, your Majesty," replied the General. "It would kill me to +have both a young wife and a young Emperor." + + +During the war of 1812, a dinner was given in Canada, at which both +American and British officers were present. One of the latter offered +the toast: "To President Madison, dead or alive!" + +An American offered the response: "To the Prince Regent, drunk or +sober!"--_Mrs. Gouverneur_. + + +A lady of Queen Victoria's court once asked her if she did not think +that one of the satisfactions of the future life would be the meeting +with the notable figures of the past, such as Abraham, Isaac and King +David. After a moment's silence, with perfect dignity and decision the +great Queen made answer: "I will _not_ meet David!" + + + Ten poor men sleep in peace on one straw heap, as Saadi sings, + But the immensest empire is too narrow for two kings. + + --_William R. Alger_. + + + Here lies our sovereign lord, the king, + Whose word no man relies on, + Who never said a foolish thing, + And never did a wise one. + +Said by a courtier of Charles, II. To which the King replied, "That is +very true, for my words are my own. My actions are my minister's." + + + + +KISSES + + + Here's to a kiss: + Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score, + Then to that twenty add a hundred more; + A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on, + To make that thousand quite a million, + Treble that million, and when that is done + Let's kiss afresh as though we'd just begun. + + +"If I should kiss you I suppose you'd go and tell your mother." + +"No; my lawyer." + + +"What is he so angry with you for?" + +"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were talking +just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he flared up and +tried to kick me." + +"And what were you talking about?" + +"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always kiss my +wife three or four times every day.'" + +"And what did you say?" + +"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had +a fit." + + + There was an old maiden from Fife, + Who had never been kissed in her life; + Along came a cat; + And she said, "I'll kiss that!" + But the cat answered, "Not on your life!" + + + Here's to the red of the holly berry, + And to its leaf so green; + And here's to the lips that are just as red, + And the fellow who's not so green. + + + There was a young sailor of Lyd, + Who loved a fair Japanese kid; + When it came to good-bye, + They were eager but shy, + So they put up a sunshade and--did. + + + There once was a maiden of Siam, + Who said to her lover, young Kiam, + "If you kiss me, of course + You will have to use force, + But God knows you're stronger than I am." + + +Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.--_Swift_. + + +_See also_ Courtship; Servants. + + + + +KNOWLEDGE + + +A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a +crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said: +"My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't +teach mine a single trick." + +The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you +see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn +him nothin'." + + +With knowledge and love the world is made.--_Anatole France_. + + + + +KULTUR + + +HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid +fool!" + +MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we +both mistaken."--_Life_. + + + + +LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES + + +A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si +Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out. + +"What'll ye pay?" asked Si. + +"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer. + +Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively: + +"I'll be _durned_ if I'll work for that!" + + + + +LADIES + + +_See_ Etiquet; Woman. + + + + +LANDLORDS + + +An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed +out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him. + +"Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property in +this district!" + +"He has, sir," replied the guide, "but, sure, he's like all the +landlords--he lives in England!" + + + + +LANGUAGES + + +George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his +companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's +friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in +studying Arabic in preparation for this trip he could not understand a +word that the native said. + +"Never mind," replied Ade consolingly. "You see, the old duffer hasn't a +tooth in his head, and he was only talking gum-Arabic." + + +Milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct his +daughters in the different languages. + +"No, sir," he said; "one tongue is sufficient for any woman." + + +Prince Bismarck was once pressed by a certain American official to +recommend his son for a diplomatic post. "He is a very remarkable +fellow," said the proud father; "he speaks seven languages." + +"Indeed!" said Bismarck, who did not hold a very high opinion of +linguistic acquirements. "What a wonderful headwaiter he would make!" + + + + +LAUGHTER + + +TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom." + +FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted." + + + Laugh and the world laughs with you, + Weep, and the laugh's on you. + + +About the best and finest thing in this world is laughter.--_Anna Alice +Chapin_. + + + + +LAW + + +_See_ Punishment. + + + + +LAWYERS + + +Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting +his bill.--_Puck_. + + +George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on +seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his +trousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly inquired of those +present: + +"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a professional +humorist should be funny?" + +When the laugh had subsided, Ade drawled out: + +"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should +have his hands in his own pockets?" + + +A man was charged with stealing a horse, and after a long trial the jury +acquitted him. Later in the day the man came back and asked the judge +for a warrant against the lawyer who had successfully defended him. + +"What's the charge?" inquired the judge. + +"Why, Your Honor," replied the man, "you see, I didn't have the money to +pay him his fee, so he took the horse I stole."--_J.J. O'Connell_. + + +An elderly darky in Georgia, charged with the theft of some chickens, +had the misfortune to be defended by a young and inexperienced attorney, +although it is doubtful whether anyone could have secured his acquittal, +the commission of the crime having been proved beyond all doubt. + +The darky received a pretty severe sentence. "Thank you, sah," said he +cheerfully, addressing the judge when the sentence had been pronounced. +"Dat's mighty hard, sah, but it ain't anywhere what I 'spected. I +thought, sah, dat between my character and dat speech of my lawyer dat +you'd hang me, shore!" + + +"You have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of this +morning, haven't you?" remarked the friend of a magistrate, who had +dropped in at the police court. + +"Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice, "you are looking at the wrong +bunch. Those are the lawyers." + + +"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his pal +emerged from the window. + +"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer," replied the other in +disgust. + +"Dat's hard luck," said the first; "did youse lose anyt'ing?" + + +The dean of the Law Department was very busy and rather cross. The +telephone rang. + +"Well, what is it?" he snapped. + +"Is that the city gas-works?" said a woman's soft voice. + +"No, madam," roared the dean; "this is the University Law Department." + +"Ah," she answered in the sweetest of tones, "I didn't miss it so far, +after all, did I?"--_Carl Holliday_. + + +A lawyer cross-examining a witness, asked him where he was on a +particular day; to which he replied that he had been in the company of +two friends. "Friends.'" exclaimed his tormentor; "two thieves, I +suppose." "They may be so," replied the witness, dryly, "for they are +both lawyers." + + +An impecunious young lawyer recently received the following letter from +a tailor to whom he was indebted: + + "Dear Sir: Kindly advise me by return mail when I may expect a + remittance from you in settlement of my account. + + Yours truly, + + J. SNIPPEN." + +The follower of Blackstone immediately replied: + + "Dear Sir: I have your request for advice of a recent date, + and beg leave to say that not having received any retainer + from you I cannot act in the premises. Upon receipt of your + check for $250 I shall be very glad to look the matter up for + you and to acquaint you with the results of my investigations. + + I am, sir, with great respect, your most obedient servant, + + BARCLAY B. COKE." + + +A prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court, but was not +represented by a lawyer. + +"Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided. + +"I have none, sir," replied the prisoner. + +"Why not?" queried the judge. + +"Because I have no money to pay one." + +"Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge. + +"Yes, sir." + +"Well, there are Mr. Thomas W. Wilson, Mr. Henry Eddy, and Mr. George +Rogers," said the judge, pointing to several young attorneys who were +sitting in the room, waiting for something to turn up, "and Mr. Allen is +out in the hall." + +The prisoner looked at the attorneys, and, after a critical survey, he +turned to the judge and said: + +"If I can take my choice, sir, I guess I'll take Mr. Allen."--_A.S. +Hitchcock_. + + +"What is that little boy crying about?" asked the benevolent old lady of +the ragged boy. + +"Dat other kid swiped his candy," was the response. + +"But how is it that you have the candy now?" + +"Sure I got de candy now. I'm de little kid's lawyer." + + +A man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole in the +sidewalk and broke his leg. He engaged a famous lawyer, brought suit +against the village for one thousand dollars and won the case. The city +appealed to the Supreme Court, but again the great lawyer won. + +After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed +him one dollar. + +"What's this?" asked the man. + +"That's your damages, after taking out my fee, the cost of appeal and +other expenses," replied the counsel. + +The man looked at the dollar, turned it over and carefully scanned the +other side. Then looked up at the lawyer and said: "What's the matter +with this dollar? Is it counterfeit?" + + +Deceive not thy Physician, Confessor nor Lawyer. + + + A Sergeant of the Lawe, war and wys + Ther was also, ful riche of excellence. + Discreet he was, and of greet reverence: + He seemed swich, his wordes weren so wyse. + * * * + No-wher so bisy a man as he ther nas, + And yet he seemed bisier than he was. + + --_Chaucer_. + + + + +LAZINESS + + +A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous +old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a +stretch. + +"Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots of +money shipping green corn to the northern market." + +"Yes, I otter," was the sullen reply. + +"You have the land, I suppose, and can get the seed." + +"Yes, I guess so." + +"Then why don't you go into the speculation?" + +"No use, stranger," sadly replied the cracker, "the old woman is too +lazy to do the plowin' and plantin'." + + +While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one of the +passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front of which sat +a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native why the dog was +howling. + +"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy." + +"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is +painful." + +"'Taint," responded the garrulous native. + +"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?" + +"Lazy." + +"But why does laziness make him howl?" + +"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a +sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets thar +an' howls 'cause it hurts." + + +"How's times?" inquired a tourist. + +"Oh, pretty tolerable," responded the old native who was sitting on a +stump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along and saved +me the trouble." + +"Fine." + +"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the +trouble of burnin' it." + +"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?" + +"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along and +shake the potatoes out of the ground." + + +A tramp, after a day or two in the hustling, bustling town of Denver, +shook the Denver dust from his boots with a snarl. + +"They must be durn lazy people in this town. Everywhere you turn they +offer you work to do." + + +An Atlanta man tells of an amusing experience he had in a mountainous +region in a southwestern state, where the inhabitants are notoriously +shiftless. Arriving at a dilapidated shanty at the noon hour, he +inquired as to the prospects for getting dinner. + +The head of the family, who had been "resting" on a fallen tree in front +of his dwelling, made reply to the effect that he "guessed Ma'd hev +suthin' on to the table putty soon." + +With this encouragement, the traveler dismounted. To his chagrin, +however, he soon discovered that the food set before him was such that +he could not possibly "make a meal." He made such excuses as he could +for his lack of appetite, and finally bethought himself of a kind of +nourishment which he might venture to take, and which was sure to be +found in any locality. He asked for some milk. + +"Don't have milk no more," said the head of the place. "The dawg's +dead." + +"The dog!" cried the stranger. "What on earth has the dog to do with +it?" + +"Well," explained the host meditatively, "them cows don't seem to know +'nough to come up and be milked theirselves. The dog, he used to go for +'em an' fetch 'em up."--_Edwin Tarrisse_. + + +Some temptations come to the industrious, but all temptations attack the +idle.--_Spurgeon_. + + + + +LEAP YEAR + + +A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked: + +"George, as it is leap year--" + +The caller turned pale. + +"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly +now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose--" + +"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George interrupted +hurriedly. + +"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap year, I +thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligible +fellows a chance."--_L.F. Clarke_. + + + + +LEGISLATORS + + +Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an +insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in the +investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner one of the fair +unfortunates to whom he was introduced. + +"I don't remember having seen you here before," said she; "how long have +you been in the asylum?" + +"Oh, I only came down yesterday," said the gentleman, "as one of the +Legislative Committee." + +"Of course," returned the lady; "how stupid I am! However, I knew you +were an inmate or a member of the Legislature the moment I looked at +you. But how was I to know? It is so difficult to know which." + + + + +LIARS + + +There are three kinds of liars: + +1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone. + +2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a careful +study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he will find out +that you are a hypocrite. + +3. The man who can't believe himself. He is a cautious individual. +Encourage him. + + +Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when one +made a misstep and fell to the ground. The other leaned over and called: + +"Are yez dead or alive, Mike?" + +"Oi'm alive," said Mike feebly. + +"Sure you're such a liar Oi don't know whether to belave yez or not." + +"Well, then, Oi must be dead," said Mike, "for yez would never dare to +call me a liar if Oi wor aloive." + + +FATHER (reprovingly)--"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?" + +JOHNNY--"Yes, sir; they lie still." + + +A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with a +most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his +absence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied: + +"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a +letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get +drunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her shamefully." + +The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at the +door, asking: "Sor, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but as mon to +mon?" + +"Yes; what is it?" + +"Well, sor, what I'm after sayin' is this," approaching the captain and +lowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most iligant liars the +Lord ever made. I'm not married at all." + + +A conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to the proper +pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often startled upon +arrival at his station to hear the conductor yell: + +"You're a liar! You're a liar!" + +And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car: + +"You really are! You really are!" + + +MOTHER--"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told stories when I was +a little girl." + +BOBBY--"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"--_Horace Zimmerman_. + + +The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of old Si +Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in. + +"What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would you +call Si Perkins a liar?" + +"Well," answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied the +ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar exactly, +but I do know this much: when feedin' time comes, in order to get any +response from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to call 'em for +him." + + +A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever present help in time +of trouble. + + +An Idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy young +easterners desirous of hunting in the Northwest evidently took them to +be the greenest of tenderfoots, since he undertook to chaff them with a +recital something as follows: + +"It was my first grizzly, so I was mighty proud to kill him in a +hand-to-hand struggle. We started to fight about sunrise. When he +finally gave up the ghost, the sun was going down." + +At this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story. Not a +word was said by the easterners, so the guide added very slowly, "_for +the second time_." + +"I gather, then," said one young gentleman, a dapper little Bostonian, +"that it required a period of two days to enable you to dispose of that +grizzly." + +"Two days and a night," said the guide, with a grin. "That grizzly died +mighty hard." + +"Choked to death?" asked the Bostonian. + +"Yes, _sir_," said the guide. + +"Pardon me," continued the Hubbite, "but what did you try to get him to +swallow?" + + + When by night the frogs are croaking, + Kindle but a torch's fire; + Ha! how soon they all are silent; + Thus Truth silences the liar. + + --_Friedrich von Logan_. + + +_See also_ Epitaphs; Husbands; Politicians; Real estate agents; Regrets. + + + + +LIBERTY + + +Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be +slaves of the things we do like. + + + A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty + Is worth a whole eternity in bondage. + + --_Addison_. + + +Where liberty dwells, there is my country.--_Benjamin Franklin_. + + + + +LIBRARIANS + + +A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The Public +Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the annual +cleaning and vacation of the librarians." + + +The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the statement +that the requests for books with queer titles are filled with ones +really wanted. The following are instances: + + AS ASKED FOR CORRECT TITLE + + _Indecent Orders In Deacon's Orders + She Combeth Not Her Head She Cometh Not, She Said + Trial of a Servant Trail of the Serpent + Essays of a Liar Essays of Elia + Soap and Tables AEsop's Fables + Pocketbook's Hill Puck of Pook's Hill + Dentist's Infirmary Dante's Inferno + Holy Smoke Divine Fire_ + + +One librarian has the following entries in a card catalog: + + Lead Poisoning + Do, Kindly Light. + + +A distinguished librarian is a good follower of Chesterton. He says: "To +my way of thinking, a great librarian must have a clear head, a strong +hand and, above all, a great heart. Such shall be greatest among +librarians; and when I look into the future, I am inclined to think that +most of the men who will achieve this greatness will be women." + + +Many catalogers append notes to the main entries of their catalogs. Here +are two: + + _An Ideal Husband_: + Essentially a work of fiction, + and presumably written by a + woman (unmarried). + + _Aspects of Home Rule_: + Political, not domestic. + + +In a branch library a reader asked for _The Girl He Married_ (by James +Grant.) This happened to be out, and the assistant was requested to +select a similar book. Presumably he was a benedict, for he returned +triumphantly with _His Better Half_ (by George Griffith). + + +"Have you _A Joy Forever_?" inquired a lady borrower. + +"No," replied the assistant librarian after referring to the +stock. "Dear me, how tiresome," said the lady; "have you Praed?" "Yes, +madam, but it isn't any good," was the prompt reply. + + + + +LIFE + + +Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, some +float and the rest--sink. + + + I count life just a stuff + To try the soul's strength on. + + --_Robert Browning_. + + + May you live as long as you like, + And have what you like as long as you live. + + + "Live, while you live," the epicure would say, + "And seize the pleasures of the present day;" + "Live, while you live," the sacred Preacher cries, + "And give to God each moment as it flies." + "Lord, in my views let both united be; + I live in _pleasure_, when I live to _Thee_." + + --_Philip Doddridge_. + + + This world that we're a-livin' in + Is mighty hard to beat, + For you get a thorn with every rose-- + But ain't the roses sweet! + + +Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff +life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_. + + + + +LISPING + + +"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an +unusual lisp. + +"Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk." + + + + +LOST AND FOUND + + +"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I +kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised +'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'" + + +"What were you in for?" asked the friend. + +"I found a horse." + +"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a horse." + +"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him." + + +"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no +longer--it has been found."--_Brooklyn Life_. + + +A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost a +cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutely +certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he posted +this notice: + +"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply appreciate +its immediate return." + +That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was posted, what +were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto were +these lines: + +"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor if the +owner would kindly lose the other link." + + +CHINAMAN--"You tellee me where railroad depot?" + +CITIZEN--"What's the matter, John? Lost?" + +CHINAMAN--"No! me here. Depot lost." + + + + +LOVE + + +Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's +board-bill for life. + + +MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a +man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?" + +MRS. SLIMPURSE--"Yes; but that is no reason why I should let our +daughter make the same blunder." + + +MAUDE--"Jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold." + +ETHEL--"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?" + +MAUDE--"His creditors." + + +RICH MAN--"Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?" + +SUITOR--"Why, certainly!" + +RICH MAN--"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in this family." + + + 'Tis better to have lived and loved + Than never to have lived at all. + + --_Judge_. + + +May we have those in our arms that we love in our hearts. + + +Here's to love, the only fire against which there is no insurance. + + + Here's to those that I love; + Here's to those who love me; + Here's to those who love those that I love. + Here's to those who love those who love me. + + +It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is better +than not to be able to love at all.--_Thackeray_. + + + Mysterious love, uncertain treasure, + Hast thou more of pain or pleasure! + * * * * * * * * * + Endless torments dwell about thee: + Yet who would live, and live without thee! + + --_Addison_. + + + O, love, love, love! + Love is like a dizziness; + It winna let a poor body + Gang about his biziness! + + --_Hogg_. + + +Let the man who does not wish to be idle, fall in love.--_Ovid_. + + + + +LOYALTY + + +Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the other +morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening, +got into his auto and started for town. + +At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began to get +nervous. When the hour of midnight arrived she could bear the suspense +no longer, so she aroused her father and sent him off to the telegraph +office with six telegrams to as many brother Elks living in town, asking +each if her husband was stopping with him overnight. + +Morning came, and the frantic wife had received no intelligence of the +missing man. As dawn appeared, a farm wagon containing a farmer and the +derelict husband drove up to the house, while behind the wagon trailed +the broken-down auto. Almost simultaneously came a messenger boy with an +answer to one of the telegrams, followed at intervals by five others. +All of them read: + +"Yes, John is spending the night with me."--_Bush Phillips_. + + +BOY--"Come quick, there's a man been fighting my father more'n half an +hour." + +POLICEMAN--"Why didn't you tell me before?" + +BOY--"'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few minutes ago." + + + + +LUCK + + +Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet +it.--_Douglas Jerrold_. + + + O, once in each man's life, at least, + Good luck knocks at his door; + And wit to seize the flitting guest + Need never hunger more. + But while the loitering idler waits + Good luck beside his fire, + The bold heart storms at fortunes gates, + And conquers its desire. + + --_Lewis J. Bates_. + + +"Tommy," said his brother, "you're a regular little glutton. How can you +eat so much?" + +"Don't know; it's just good luck," replied the youngster. + + +A negro who was having one misfortune after another said he was having +as bad luck as the man with only a fork when it was raining soup. + + +_See also_ Windfalls. + + + + +MAINE + + +The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what +the people of different states were called. + +"Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; the +people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from Michigan we know +as 'Michiganders.' Now, what little boy or girl can tell me what the +people of Maine are called?" + +"I know," said a little girl. + +"Well, what are we called?" asked the Governor. + +"Maniacs." + + + + +MAKING GOOD + + +"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus. + +"Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz playin' wif +him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, an' on blue to see +him turn blue, an' on green to see him turn green, an' so on. Den de +fool gal, not satisfied wif lettin' well enough alone, went an' put him +on a plaid, an' de poor little thing went an' bust himself tryin' to +make good." + + +_See also_ Success. + + + + +MALARIA + + +The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and +proceeded to ask the usual questions. + +"It--er--seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate with scientific +interest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills appear on alternate +days. Do you think--is it your opinion--that they have, so to speak, +decreased in violence, if I may use that word?" + +The patient smiled feebly. "Doc," said he, "on fever days my head's so +hot I can't think, and on ague days I shake so I can't hold an opinion." + + + + +MARKS(WO)MANSHIP + + +An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in New +Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in attempting +to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came in the shape of +his wife. + +When the woman came up, the dog had fastened his teeth in the calf of +her husband's leg and was holding on for dear life. Seizing a stone in +the road, the Irishman's wife was about to hurl it, when the husband, +with wonderful presence of mind, shouted: + +"Mary! Mary! Don't throw the stone at the dog! throw it at me!" + + + Mary had a little lamb, + It's fleece was gone in spots, + For Mary fired her father's gun, + And lamby caught the shots! + + --_Columbia Jester_. + + + + +MARRIAGE + + +MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?" + +MRS. SAGG--"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a husband dat's +skeered to death of her!" + + +"Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of +fever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had supplied. "Where am +I--in heaven?" + +"No, dear," cooed his wife; "I am still with you." + + +Archbishop Ryan was visiting a small parish in a mining district one day +for the purpose of administering confirmation, and asked one nervous +little girl what matrimony is. + +"It is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are compelled +to undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and better world," +she said. + +"No, no," remonstrated her rector; "that isn't matrimony: that's the +definition of purgatory." + +"Leave her alone," said the Archbishop; "maybe she is right. What do you +and I know about it?" + + +"Was Helen's marriage a success?" + +"Goodness, yes. Why, she is going to marry a nobleman on the +alimony."--_Judge_. + + +JENNIE--"What makes George such a pessimist?" + +JACK--"Well, he's been married three times--once for love, once for +money and the last time for a home." + + +Matrimony is the root of all evil. + + +One day Mary, the charwoman, reported for service with a black eye. + +"Why, Mary," said her sympathetic mistress, "what a bad eye you have!" + +"Yes'm." + +"Well, there's one consolation. It might have been worse." + +"Yes'm." + +"You might have had both of them hurt." + +"Yes'm. Or worse'n that: I might not ha' been married at all." + + +A wife placed upon her husband's tombstone: "He had been married forty +years and was prepared to die." + + +"I can take a hundred words a minute," said the stenographer. + +"I often take more than that," said the prospective employer; "but then +I have to, I'm married." + + +A man and his wife were airing their troubles on the sidewalk one +Saturday evening when a good Samaritan intervened. + +"See here, my man," he protested, "this sort of thing won't do." + +"What business is it of yours, I'd like to know," snarled the man, +turning from his wife. + +"It's only my business in so far as I can be of help in settling this +dispute," answered the Samaritan mildly. + +"This ain't no dispute," growled the man. + +"No dispute! But, my dear friend--" + +"I tell you it ain't no dispute," insisted the man. "She"--jerking his +thumb toward the woman--"thinks she ain't goin to get my week's wages, +and I know darn well she ain't. Where's the dispute in that?" + + +HIS BETTER HALF--"I think it's time we got Lizzie married and settled +down, Alfred. She will be twenty-eight next week you know." + +HER LESSER HALF--"Oh, don't hurry, my dear. Better wait till the right +sort of man comes along." + +HIS BETTER HALF--"But why wait? I didn't!" + + +O'Flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black crape around +his hat. + +"Why, Mike!" exclaimed his wife. "What are ye wearin' thot mournful +thing for?" + +"I'm wearin' it for yer first husband," replied Mike firmly. "I'm sorry +he's dead." + + +"What a strangely interesting face your friend the poet has," gurgled +the maiden of forty. "It seems to possess all the elements of happiness +and sorrow, each struggling for supremacy." + +"Yes, he looks to me like a man who was married and didn't know it," +growled the Cynical Bachelor. + + +The not especially sweet-tempered young wife of a Kaslo B.C., man one +day approached her lord concerning the matter of one hundred dollars or +so. + +"I'd like to let you have it, my dear," began the husband, "but the +fact is I haven't that amount in the bank this morning--that is to say, +I haven't that amount to spare, inasmuch as I must take up a note for +two hundred dollars this afternoon." + +"Oh, very well, James!" said the wife, with an ominous calmness, "If you +think the man who holds the note can make things any hotter for you than +I can--why, do as you say, James!" + + +A young lady entered a book store and inquired of the gentlemanly +clerk--a married man, by-the-way--if he had a book suitable for an old +gentleman who had been married fifty years. + +Without the least hesitation the clerk reached for a copy of Parkman's +"A Half Century of Conflict." + + +Smith and Jones were discussing the question of who should be head of +the house--the man or the woman. + +"I am the head of my establishment," said Jones. "I am the bread-winner. +Why shouldn't I be?" + +"Well," replied Smith, "before my wife and I were married we made an +agreement that I should make the rulings in all major things, my wife in +all the minor." + +"How has it worked?" queried Jones. + +Smith smiled. "So far," he replied, "no major matters have come up." + + +A poor lady the other day hastened to the nursery and said to her little +daughter: + +"Minnie, what do you mean by shouting and screaming? Play quietly, like +Tommy. See, he doesn't make a sound." + +"Of course he doesn't," said the little girl. "That is our game. He is +papa coming home late, and I am you." + + +The stranger advanced toward the door. Mrs. O'Toole stood in the doorway +with a rough stick in her left hand and a frown on her brow. + +"Good morning," said the stranger politely. "I'm looking for Mr. +O'Toole." + +"So'm I," said Mrs. O'Toole, shifting her club over to her other hand. + + +TIM--"Sarer Smith (you know 'er--Bill's missus), she throwed herself +horf the end uv the wharf larst night." + +TOM--"Poor Sarer!" + +TIM--"An' a cop fished 'er out again." + +TOM--"Poor Bill!" + + +The cooing stops with the honeymoon, but the billing goes on forever. + + +"Well, old man, how did you get along after I left you at midnight. Get +home all right?" + +"No; a confounded nosey policeman haled me to the station, where I spent +the rest of the night." + +"Lucky dog! I reached home." + + +STRANGER--"What's the fight about?" + +NATIVE--"The feller on top is Hank Hill wot married the widder Strong, +an' th' other's Joel Jenks, wot interdooced him to her."--_Life_. + + +A colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and cruelly +misusing his wife. After hearing the charge against the prisoner, the +justice turned to the first witness. + +"Madam," he said, "if this man were your husband and had given you a +beating, would you call in the police?" + +The woman addressed, a veritable Amazon in size and aggressiveness, +turned a smiling countenance towards the justice and answered: "No, +jedge. If he was mah husban', and he treated me lak he did 'is wife, Ah +wouldn't call no p'liceman. No, sah, Ah'd call de undertaker." + + +We admire the strict impartiality of the judge who recently fined his +wife twenty-five dollars for contempt of court, but we would hate to +have been in the judge's shoes when he got home that night. + + +"How many children have you?" asked the census-taker. + +The man addressed removed the pipe from his mouth, scratched his head, +thought it over a moment, and then replied: + +"Five--four living and one married." + + +SHE--"How did they ever come to marry?" + +HE--"Oh, it's the same old story. Started out to be good friends, you +know, and later on changed their minds."--_Puck_. + + +Nat Goodwin and a friend were walking along Fifth Avenue one afternoon +when they stopped to look into a florist's window, in which there was an +artistic arrangement of exquisite roses. + +"What wonderful American Beauties those are, Nat!" said the friend +delightedly. + +"They are, indeed," replied Nat. + +"You see, I am very fond of that flower," continued the friend. "In +fact, I might say it is my favorite. You know, Nat, I married an +American beauty." + +"Well," said Nat dryly, "you haven't got anything on me. I married a +cluster." + + +"Are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last month?" + +"Of course! What's the matter?" + +"Well, I thought there might be some mistake, seeing that I've lived a +dog's life ever since." + + +Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning +of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and +such as are out wish to get in.--_Emerson_. + + +HOUSEHOLDER--"Here, drop that coat and clear out!" + +BURGLAR--"You be quiet, or I'll wake your wife and give her this letter +I found in your pocket." + + +The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend +their time in making nets, not in making cages.--_Swift_. + + +_See also_ Church discipline; Domestic finance; Trouble. + + + + +MARRIAGE FEES + + +A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand +for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the consenting +parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of +financial resources. The father was obdurate. "No money, no marriage." + +"Give me l'ave, your riverence," said the blushing bride, "to go and get +the money." + +It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a +marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval she returned +with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the +satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the newly-made +wife seemed a little uneasy. + +"Anything on your mind, Catherine?" said the father. + +"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not +be spoiled now." + +"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder." + +"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil the +marriage?" + +"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to do with +your marriage." + +"That aises me mind," said Catherine, "and God bless your riverence. +There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the lobby and pawned +it." + + +MANDY--"What foh yo' been goin'to de post-office so reg'lar? Are yo' +corresponding wif some other female?" + +RASTUS--"Nope; but since ah been a-readin' in de papers 'bout dese +'conscience funds' ah kind of thought ah might possibly git a lettah +from dat ministah what married us."--_Life_. + + + The knot was tied; the pair were wed, + And then the smiling bridegroom said + Unto the preacher, "Shall I pay + To you the usual fee today. + Or would you have me wait a year + And give you then a hundred clear, + If I should find the marriage state + As happy as I estimate?" + The preacher lost no time in thought, + To his reply no study brought, + There were no wrinkles on his brow: + Said he, "I'll take three dollars now." + + + + +MATHEMATICS + + +_See_ Arithmetic. + + + + + +MATRIMONY + + +_See_ Marriage. + + + + + +MEASURING INSTRUMENTS + + +"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short +and stout friend on Washington Street. + +"What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other. + +"Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to Brother +Smith's dey are measurin' de house for some new carpets. Dey haven't got +no yawdstick, and I's just ezactly six feet tall. So to oblige Brother +Smith, I's been a-layin' down and a-gettin' up all over deir house." + + + + +MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS + + +PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?" + +THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of +the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a +perfect kid." + + + + +MEDICINE + + +The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor +came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something +to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his +medicine case, gave the animal some powders. The mule switched his tail, +tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road. The farmer +looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor. + +"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked. + +"Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician. + +"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. "I've got +to catch that mule." + + +"I hope you are following my instructions carefully, Sandy--the pills +three times a day and a drop of whisky at bedtime." + +"Weeel, sir, I may be a wee bit behind wi' the pills, but I'm about six +weeks in front wi' the whusky." + + +Rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon an +innocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing in a +western newspaper. He wrote: "Wanted--a gentleman to undertake the sale +of a patent medicine. The advertiser guarantees it will be profitable to +the undertaker." + + +I firmly believe that if the whole _materia medico_ could be sunk to the +bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind and all the +worse for the fishes.--_O.W. Holmes_. + + +A man's own observation, what he finds good of, and what he finds hurt +of, is the best physic to preserve health.--_Bacon_. + + + + +MEEKNESS + +One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all +the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward +ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the +library table, upon which were spread several sheets of paper. + +"What are you going to do with all that paper, Henry?" demanded the +wife. + +"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband. + +"A wish?" + +"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will." + + + + +MEMORIALS + +Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their +race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes. +Said the cook: + +"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on +my grave. Jes' plant a good old watermelon-vine; an' when she gits ripe, +you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes' bus' it on de grave, an' +let de good old juice dribble down thro' de ground!" + + +"That's rather a handsome mantelpiece you have there, Mr. Binkston," +said the visitor. + +"Yes," replied Mr. Binkston, proudly. "That is a memorial to my wife." + +"Why--I was not aware that Mrs. Binkston had passed away," said the +visitor sympathetically. + +"Oh no, indeed, she hasn't," smiled Mr. Binkston. "She is serving her +thirtieth sojourn in jail. That mantelpiece is built of the bricks she +was convicted of throwing." + + + + +MEMORY + + +"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a +drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you +remember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?" + +"No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him, but I done +fo'got sence I jined de chu'ch." + + +A noted college president, attending a banquet in Boston, was surprised +to see that the darky who took the hats at the door gave no checks in +return. + +"He has a most wonderful memory," a fellow diner explained. "He's been +doing that for years and prides himself upon never having made a +mistake." + +As the college president was leaving, the darky passed him his hat. + +"How do you know that this one is mine?" + +"I don't know it, suh," admitted the darky. + +"Then why do you give it to me?" + +"'Cause yo' gave it to me, suh." + + +"Tommy," said his mother reprovingly, "what did I say I'd do to you if I +ever caught you stealing jam again?" + +Tommy thoughtfully scratched his head with his sticky fingers. + +"Why, that's funny, ma, that you should forget it, too. Hanged if I can +remember." Smith is a young New York lawyer, clever in many ways, but +very forgetful. He was recently sent to St. Louis to interview an +important client in regard to a case then pending in the Missouri +courts. Later the head of his firm received this telegram from St. +Louis: + +"Have forgotten name of client. Please wire at once." + +This was the reply sent from New York: + +"Client's name Jenkins. Your name Smith." + + + When time who steals our years away + Shall steal our pleasures too, + The mem'ry of the past will stay + And half our joys renew. + + --_Moore_. + + + The heart hath its own memory, like the mind, + And in it are enshrined + The precious keepsakes, into which is wrought + The giver's loving thought. + + --_Longfellow_. + + + + +MEN + + + Here's to the men! God bless them! + Worst of me sins, I confess them! + In loving them all; be they great or small, + So here's to the boys! God bless them! + + + May all single men be married, + And all married men be happy. + + +"What is your ideal man?" + +"One who is clever enough to make money and foolish enough to spend it!" + + +I have thought some of Nature's journeymen had made men and not made +them well, they imitated humanity so abominably.--_Shakespeare_. + + + Men are four: + He who knows and knows not that he knows,-- + He is asleep--wake him; + He who knows not and knows not that he knows not,-- + He is a fool--shun him; + He who knows not and knows that he knows not,-- + He is a child--teach him; + He who knows and knows that He knows,-- + He is a king--follow him. + + +_See also_ Dogs; Husbands. + + + + +MESSAGES + + +"Have you the rent ready?" + +"No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you." + +"Did she tell you she'd forgotten?" + +"Yes, sir." + + +One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who, +while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would acquaint his +wife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the telegraph office and +sent this message: "Dear Pat, I am saved. Break it gently to my wife." + + + + +METAPHOR + + +It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the +woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out: + +"It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of +the advancing wave that is sounding the clarion of equal rights." + + +A water consumer in Los Angeles, California, whose supply had been +turned off because he wouldn't pay, wrote to the department as follows: + +"In the matter of shutting off the water on unpaid bills, your company +is fast becoming a regular crystallized Russian bureaucracy, running in +a groove and deaf to the appeals of reform. There is no use of your +trying to impugn the verity of this indictment by shaking your official +heads in the teeth of your own deeds. + +"If you will persist in this kind of thing, a widespread conflagration +of the populace will be so imminent that it will require only a spark to +let loose the dogs of war in our midst. Will you persist in hurling the +corner stone of our personal liberty to your wolfish hounds of +collectors, thirsting for its blood? If you persist, the first thing you +know you will have the chariot of a justly indignant revolution rolling +along in our midst and gnashing its teeth as it rolls. + +"If your rascally collectors are permitted to continue coming to our +doors with unblushing footsteps, with cloaks of hypocritical compunction +in their mouths, and compel payment from your patrons, this policy will +result in cutting the wool off the sheep that lays the golden egg, until +you have pumped it dry--and then farewell, a long farewell, to our +vaunted prosperity." + + + + +MICE + + +"What's the matter with Briggs?" + +"He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the +floor."--_Life_. + + + + + +MIDDLE CLASSES + + +WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?" + +PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to +accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything." + + + + + +MILITANTS + + +_See_ Suffragettes. + + + + + +MILITARY DISCIPLINE + + +Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and +by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop. + +"Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without +orders." + +Murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the ground. + +"Murphy!" yelled the sergeant, when he discovered him lying breathless +on the ground, "you dismounted!" + +"I did." + +"Did you have orders?" + +"I did." + +"From headquarters, I suppose?" + +"No, sor; from hintquarters." + + +"How dare you come on parade," exclaimed an Irish sergeant to a recruit, +"before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head to foot in +graise an' poipe clay? Tell me now--answer me when I spake to yez!" + +The recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when the +sergeant stopped him. + +"Dare yez to answer me when I puts a question to yez?" he cried. "Hould +yer lyin' tongue, and open your face at yer peril! Tell me now, what +have ye been doin' wid yer uniform an' arms an' bills? Not a word, or +I'll clap yez in the guardroom. When I axes yez anything an' yez spakes +I'll have yez tried for insolence to yer superior officer, but if yez +don't answer when I questions yez, I'll have yez punished for +disobedience of orders! So, yez see, I have yez both ways!" + + +Mistake, error, is the discipline through which we advance.--_Channing_. + + + + +MILLINERS + + +Recipe for a milliner: + + To a presence that's much more than queenly, + Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere; + You feel like a worm in her sight when she says, + "Only $300, my dear!" + + --_Life_. + + + + +MILLIONAIRES + + +Recipe for a multi-millionaire: + + Take a boy with bare feet as a starter + Add thrift and sobriety, mixed-- + Flavor with quarts of religion, + And see that the tariff is fixed. + + --_Life_. + + +MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)--"Be off with you this minute!" + +BEGGAR--"Look 'ere, mister; the only difference between you and me is +that you are makin' your second million, while I am still workin' at my +first." + + +"Now that you have made $50,000,000, I suppose you are going to keep +right on for the purpose of trying to get a hundred millions?" + +"No, sir. You do me an injustice. I'm going to put in the rest of my +time trying to get my conscience into a satisfactory condition." + + +"When I was a young man," said Mr. Cumrox, "I thought nothing of working +twelve or fourteen hours a day." + +"Father," replied the young man with sporty clothes, "I wish you +wouldn't mention it. Those non-union sentiments are liable to make you +unpopular." + + +No good man ever became suddenly rich.--_Syrus_. + + + And all to leave what with his toil he won, + To that unfeather'd two-legged thing, a son. + + --_Dryden_. + + +_See also_ Capitalists. + + + + +MINORITIES + + +Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his +plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience: + +"What do you think of it?" + +This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man in the +pit assembled his scattered wits and cried: + +"Rotten!" + +Shaw made a curtsey and melted the house with one of his Irish smiles. + +"My friend," he said, shrugging his shoulders and indicating the crowd +in front, "I quite agree with you, but what are we two against so many?" + + + + +MISERS + + + There was an old man of Nantucket + Who kept all his cash in a bucket; + But his daughter, named Nan, + Ran away with a man-- + And as for the bucket, Nantucket. + + +A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die rich.--_Robert Burton_. + + + + +MISSIONARIES + + +SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!" + +HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste in +religion!" + + +At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a large city +church a discussion arose among the members present as to the race of +people that inhabited a far-away land. Some insisted that they were not +a man-eating people; others that they were known to be cannibals. +However, the question was finally decided by a minister's widow, who +said: + +"I beg pardon for interrupting, Mrs. Chairman, but I can assure you that +they are cannibals. My husband was a missionary there and they ate him." + + + + +MISSIONS + + +"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as she +entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing broken +toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general debris into an open +box. + +"Why, mother," cried Hilda, "can't you see? I'm packing a missionary box +just the way the ladies do; and it's all right," she added reassuringly, +"I haven't put in a single thing that's any good at all!" + + + + +MISTAKEN IDENTITY + + + There was a young fellow named Paul, + Who went to a fancy dress ball; + They say, just for fun + He dressed up like a bun, + And was "et" by a dog in the hall. + + +A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London, entered a +bric-a-brac shop, in search of something odd to take home to Scotland +with her. After she had inspected several articles, but had found none +to suit her, she noticed a quaint figure, the head and shoulders of +which appeared above the counter. + +"What is that Japanese idol over there worth?" she inquired of the +salesman. + +The salesman's reply was given in a subdued tone: + +"About half a million, madam. That's the proprietor!" + + +The late James McNeil Whistler was standing bareheaded in a hat shop, +the clerk having taken his hat to another part of the shop for +comparison. A man rushed in with his hat in his hand, and, supposing +Whistler to be a clerk angrily confronted him. + +"See here," he said, "this hat doesn't fit." + +Whistler eyed the stranger critically from head to foot, and then +drawled out: + +"Well, neither does your coat. What's more, if you'll pardon my saying +so, I'll be hanged if I care much for the color of your trousers." + + +The steamer was on the point of leaving, and the passengers lounged on +the deck and waited for the start. At length one of them espied a +cyclist in the far distance, and it soon became evident that he was +doing his level best to catch the boat. + +Already the sailors' hands were on the gangways, and the cyclist's +chance looked small indeed. Then a sportive passenger wagered a +sovereign to a shilling that he would miss it. The offer was taken, and +at once the deck became a scene of wild excitement. + +"He'll miss it." + +"No; he'll just do it." + +"Come on!" + +"He won't do it." + +"Yes, he will. He's done it. Hurrah!" + +In the very nick of time the cyclist arrived, sprang off his machine, +and ran up the one gangway left. + +"Cast off!" he cried. + +It was the captain. + + +Much to the curious little girl's disgust, her elder sister and her girl +friends had quickly closed the door of the back parlor, before she could +wedge her small self in among them. + +She waited uneasily for a little while, then she knocked. No response. +She knocked again. Still no attention. Her curiosity could be controlled +no longer. "Dodo!" she called in staccato tones as she knocked once +again. "'Tain't me! It's Mamma!" + + + + +MOLLYCODDLES + + +"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's mother, +who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new boy on the +block. "I thought you were such good chums." + +"We was," replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a mollycoddle. He paid +t' git into the ball-grounds." + + + + +MONEY + + +In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks for +children. + +One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and withdrew 2 +cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly returned the money. + +"So you didn't spend your 2 cents?" observed the worker in charge. + +"Oh, no," he replied, "but a fellow just likes to have a little cash on +hand over Sunday." + + +_See also_ Domestic finance. + + + + +MORAL EDUCATION + + +Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing +quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An +interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other +who had done nothing. + +"Well," replied the pugilistic one, "last Sunday our lesson in +Sunday-school was about if a fellow hit you on the left cheek turn the +other and get another crack, and I just wanted to see if Bobbie knew his +lesson." + + + + +MOSQUITOES + + +Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in Oklahoma +City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he made: + +"A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern colonel on a +fishing-trip. It was his first visit to the South, and the mosquitoes +were so bothersome that he was unable to sleep, while at the same time +he could hear his friend snoring audibly. + +"The next morning he approached the old darky who was doing the cooking. + +"'Jim,' he said, 'how is it the colonel is able to sleep so soundly with +so many mosquitoes around?' + +"'I'll tell yo', boss,' the darky replied, 'de fust part of de night de +kernel is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de skeeters, and de last part +of de night de skeeters is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de kernel.'" + + +_See also_ Applause; New Jersey. + + + + +MOTHERS + + +While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of General +Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before a +plow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never seen. When his eyes +had feasted on their beauty he cried to the driver: "Hello good fellow! +I must have those horses. They are just such animals as I have been +looking for." + +The black man grinned, rolled up the whites of his eyes, put the lash to +the horses' flanks and turned up another furrow in the rich soil. + +The officer waited until he had finished the row; then throwing back his +cavalier cloak the ensign of the rank dazzled the slave's eyes. + +"Better see missus! Better see missus!" he cried waving his hand to the +south, where above the cedar growth rose the towers of a fine old +Virginia mansion. + +The officer turned up the carriage road and soon was rapping the great +brass knocker of the front door. + +Quickly the door swung upon its ponderous hinges and a grave, +majestic-looking woman confronted the visitor with an air of inquiry. + +"Madam," said the officer doffing his cap and overcome by her dignity, +"I have come to claim your horses in the name of the Government." + +"My horses?" said she, bending upon him a pair of eyes born to command. +"Sir, you cannot have them. My crops are out and I need my horses in the +field." + +"I am sorry," said the officer, "but I must have them, madam. Such are +the orders of my chief." + +"Your chief? Who is your chief, pray?" she demanded with restrained +warmth. + +"The commander of the American army, General George Washington," replied +the other, squaring his shoulders and swelling his pride. + +A smile of triumph softened the sternness of the woman's features. "You +go and tell General George Washington for me," said she, "that his +mother says he cannot have her horses." + + +The wagons of "the greatest show on earth" passed up the avenue at +daybreak. Their incessant rumbling soon awakened ten-year-old Billie and +five-year-old brother Robert. Their mother feigned sleep as the two +white-robed figures crept past her bed into the hall, on the way to +investigate. Robert struggled manfully with the unaccustomed task of +putting on his clothes. "Wait for me, Billie," his mother heard him beg. +"You'll get ahead of me." + +"Get mother to help you," counseled Billie, who was having troubles of +his own. + +Mother started to the rescue, and then paused as she heard the voice of +her younger, guarded but anxious and insistent. + +"_You_ ask her, Billie. You've known her longer than I have." + + +A little girl, being punished by her mother flew, white with rage, to +her desk, wrote on a piece of paper, and then going out in the yard she +dug a hole in the ground, put the paper in it and covered it over. The +mother, being interested in her child's doings, went out after the +little girl had gone away, dug up the paper and read: + + _Dear Devil_: + Please come and take my mamma away. + + +One morning a little girl hung about the kitchen bothering the busy cook +to death. The cook lost patience finally. "Clear out o' here, ye sassy +little brat!" she shouted, thumping the table with a rolling-pin. + +The little girl gave the cook a haughty look. "I never allow any one but +my mother to speak to me like that," she said. + + +The public-spirited lady met the little boy on the street. Something +about his appearance halted her. She stared at him in her near-sighted +way. + +THE LADY--"Little boy, haven't you any home?" + +THE LITTLE BOY--"Oh, yes'm; I've got a home." + +THE LADY--"And loving parents?" + +THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm." + +THE LADY--"I'm afraid you do not know what love really is. Do your +parents look after your moral welfare?" + +THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm." + +THE LADY--"Are they bringing you up to be a good and helpful citizen?" + +THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm." + +THE LADY--"Will you ask your mother to come and hear me talk on 'When +Does a Mother's Duty to Her Child Begin?' next Saturday afternoon, at +three o'clock, at Lyceum Hall?" + +THE LITTLE BOY (explosively)--"What's th' matter with you ma! Don't you +know me? I'm your little boy!" + + + Here's to the happiest hours of my life-- + Spent in the arms of another man's wife: + My mother! + + + Happy he + With such a mother! faith in womankind + Beats with his blood, and trust in all things high + Comes easy to him, and though he trip and fall, + He shall not blind his soul with clay. + + --_Tennyson_. + + + Women know + The way to rear up children (to be just); + They know a simple, merry, tender knack + Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes, + And stringing pretty words that make no sense, + And kissing full sense into empty words; + Which things are corals to cut life upon, + Although such trifles. + + --_E. B. Browning_ + + + + +MOTHERS-IN-LAW + +Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man. + +"Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?" + +Justice Brewer smiled and answered: + +"Two mothers-in-law." + + +SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?" + +HE--"By Jove! I hadn't thought of that." + + +WAITER--"Have another glass, sir?" + +HUSBAND (to his wife)--"Shall I have another glass, Henrietta?" + +WIFE (to her mother)--"Shall he have another, mother?" + + +A blackmailer wrote the following to a wealthy business man: "Send me +$5,000 or I will abduct your mother-in-law." + +To which the business man replied: "Sorry I am short of funds, but your +proposition interests me." + + +An undertaker telegraphed to a man that his mother-in-law had died and +asked whether he should bury, embalm or cremate her. The man replied, +"All three, take no chances." + + + + + +MOTORCYCLES + + +The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community, +and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without +any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when a +motorcycle followed closely in its wake and disappeared like a flash +around a bend in the road. + +"Gee whiz!" he said, turning to his son, "who'd 'a' s'posed that thing +had a colt?" + + + + + +MOUNTAINS + + +Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having +victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at long +range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains. It is +said that the captain of a steamboat on Kootenay Lake once heard a great +splash in the water. Looking over the rail, he spied the head of a man +who was swimming toward his boat. He hailed him. "Do you know," said the +swimmer, "this is the third time to-day that I've fallen off that bally +old ranch of mine?" + + + + +MOVING PICTURES + + +"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." "Not +exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. This +revolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern." + + + + +MUCK-RAKING + + +The way of the transgressor is well written up. + + + + +MULES + + +Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious +principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty +equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known all +through the army as the Christian brigade, and he was very proud of it. + +There was one hardened old sinner in the brigade, however, whose ears +were deaf to all exhortation. General Howard was particularly anxious to +convert this man, and one day he went down in the teamsters' part of the +camp where the man was on duty. He talked with him long and earnestly +about religion and finally said: + +"I want to see you converted. Won't you come to the mourners' bench at +the next service?" + +The erring one rubbed his head thoughtfully for a moment and then +replied: + +"General, I'm plumb willin' to be converted, but if I am, seein' that +everyone else has got religion, who in blue blazes is goin' to drive the +mules?" + + + + +MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT + + +"What's the trouble in Plunkville?" + +"We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission." + +"Well?" + +"Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some good +magazine." + + + + +MUSEUMS + + +It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six +of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but their +enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their open-eyed wonder +at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid her. + +"Well, boys, where have you been all afternoon?" asked the father of two +of the party that evening. + +The answer came back with joyous promptness: "Oh, pop! Teacher took us +to a dead circus." + + +Two Marylanders, who were visiting the National Museum at Washington, +were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, over which hung a +placard bearing the inscription. "B.C. 1187." + +Both visitors were much mystified thereby. Said one: + +"What do you make of that, Bill?" + +"Well," said Bill, "I dunno; but maybe it was the number of the +motor-car that killed him."--_Edwin Tarrisse_. + + + + +MUSIC + + +The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano +player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady who +stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil. + + +A thief broke into a Madison avenue mansion early the other morning and +found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching, he took +refuge behind a screen. + +From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson. + +From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson. + +From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson. + +From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute. + +At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied an +ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute. + +The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five, and +falling at their feet, cried: + +"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!" + + +A lady told Swinburne that she would render on the piano a very ancient +Florentine retornello which had just been discovered. She then played +"Three blind mice" and Swinburne was enchanted. He found that it +reflected to perfection the cruel beauty of the Medicis--which, perhaps, +it does.--_Edmund Gosse_. + + +The accomplished and obliging pianist had rendered several selections, +when one of the admiring group of listeners in the hotel parlor +suggested Mozart's Twelfth Mass. Several people echoed the request, but +one lady was particularly desirous of hearing the piece, explaining that +her husband had belonged to that very regiment. + + +Dinner was a little late. A guest asked the hostess to play something. +Seating herself at the piano, the good woman executed a Chopin nocturne +with precision. She finished, and there was still an interval of waiting +to be bridged. In the grim silence she turned to an old gentleman on her +right and said: + +"Would you like a sonata before going in to dinner?" + +He gave a start of surprise and pleasure as he responded briskly: + +"Why, yes, thanks! I had a couple on my way here, but I could stand +another." + + +Music is the universal language of mankind.--_Longfellow_. + + +I even think that, sentimentally, I am disposed to harmony. But +organically I am incapable of a tune.--_Charles Lamb_. + + + There's music in the sighing of a reed; + There's music in the gushing of a rill; + There's music in all things, if men had ears: + Their earth is but an echo of the spheres. + + --_Byron_. + + + + +MUSICIANS + +FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to +your house, as I suggested?" + +BOY--"Yes, sir." + +FATHER-"And what did he say?" + +BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better give +up playin' the pianner." + + +The "celebrated pianiste," Miss Sharpe, had concluded her recital. As +the resultant applause was terminating, Mrs. Rochester observed Colonel +Grayson wiping his eyes. The old gentleman noticed her look, and, +thinking it one of inquiry, began to explain the cause of his sadness. +"The girl's playing," he told the lady, "reminded me so much of the +playing of her father. He used to be a chum of mine in the Army of the +Potomac." + +"Oh, indeed!" cooed Mrs. Rochester, with a conventional show of +interest. "I never knew her father was a piano-player." + +"He wasn't," replied the Colonel. "He was a drummer."--_G.T. Evans_. + + +Recipe for an orchestra leader: + + Four hundred and twenty-two movements-- + Emanuel, Swedish and Swiss-- + It's a wonder the hand can keep playing, + You'd think they'd die laughing at this! + + --_Life_. + + + 'Tis God gives skill, + But not without men's hands: He could not make + Antonio Stradivari's violins + Without Antonio. + + --_George Eliot_. + + + + +NAMES, PERSONAL + +Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He +was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded, +"Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?" + +"Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.--_John Pearson_. + + +FRIEND-"So your great Russian actor was a total failure?" + +MANAGER-"Yes. It took all our profits to pay for running the electric +light sign with his name on it."--_Puck_. + + +A somewhat unpatriotic little son of Italy, twelve years old, came to +his teacher in the public school and asked if he could not have his name +changed. + +"Why do you wish to change your name?" the teacher asked. + +"I want to be an American. I live in America now. I no longer want to be +a Dago." + +"What American name would you like to have?" + +"I have it here," he said, handing the teacher a dirty scrap of paper on +which was written--Patrick Dennis McCarty. + + +A shy young man once said to a young lady: "I wish dear, that we were on +such terms of intimacy that you would not mind calling me by my first +name." + +"Oh," she replied, "your second name is good enough for me." + + +An American travelling in Europe engaged a courier. Arriving at an inn +in Austria, the man asked his servant to enter his name in accordance +with the police regulations of that country. Some time after, the man +asked the servant if he had complied with his orders. + +"Yes, sir," was the reply. + +"How did you write my name?" asked the master. + +"Well, sir, I can't pronounce it," answered the servant, "but I copied +it from your portmanteau, sir." + +"Why, my name isn't there. Bring me the book." The register was brought, +and, instead of the plain American name of two syllables, the following +entry was revealed: + + "Monsieur Warranted Solid Leather." + +--_M.A. Hitchcock_. + + +The story is told of Helen Hunt, the famous author of "Ramona," that +one morning after church service she found a purse full of money and +told her pastor about it. + +"Very well," he said, "you keep it, and at the evening service I will +announce it," which he did in this wise: + +"This morning there was found in this church a purse filled with money. +If the owner is present he or she can go to Helen Hunt for it." + +And the minister wondered why the congregation tittered! + + +A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the attention of the +pretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had about given up, the girl, +entirely unconscious of what had been going on, happened to glance in +his direction. The "masher" immediately took fresh courage. + +"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured. + +The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say. + +"My name is Specknoodle," he volunteered. + +"Oh, I am so sorry," she said sympathetically, as she left the car. + + +The comedian came on with affected diffidence. + +"At our last stand," quoth he, "I noticed a man laughing while I was +doing my turn. Honest, now! My, how he laughed! He laughed until he +split. Till he split, mind you. Thinks I to myself, I'll just find out +about the man and so, when the show was over, I went up to him. + +"My friend," says I, "I've heard that there's nothing in a name, but are +you not one of the Wood family?" + +"I am," says he, "and what's more, my grandfather was a Pine!" + +"No Wood, you know, splits any easier than a Pine."--_Ramsey Benson_. + + +"But Eliza," said the mistress, "your little boy was christened George +Washington. Why do you call him Izaak Walton? Walton, you know, was the +famous fisherman." + +"Yes'm," answered Eliza, "but dat chile's repetashun fo' telling de +troof made dat change imper'tive." + + +The mother of the girl baby, herself named Rachel, frankly told her +husband that she was tired of the good old names borne by most of the +eminent members of the family, and she would like to give the little +girl a name entirely different. Then she wrote on a slip of paper +"Eugenie," and asked her husband if he didn't think that was a pretty +name. + +The father studied the name for a moment and then said: "Vell, call her +Yousheenie, but I don't see vat you gain by it." + + + There was a great swell in Japan, + Whose name on a Tuesday began; + It lasted through Sunday + Till twilight on Monday, + And sounded like stones in a can. + + +He was a young lawyer who had just started practicing in a small town +and hung his sign outside of his office door. It read: "A. Swindler." A +stranger who called to consult him saw the sign and said: "My goodness, +man, look at that sign! Don't you see how it reads? Put in your first +name--Alexander, Ambrose or whatever it is." + +"Oh, yes I know," said the lawyer resignedly, "but I don't exactly like +to do it." + +"Why not?" asked the client. "It looks mighty bad as it is. What is your +first name?" + +"Adam." + + + Who hath not own'd, with rapture-smitten frame, + The power of grace, the magic of a name. + + --_Campbell_. + + + + +NATIVES + + +FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the +planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet." + +FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be very funny, +Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' your ignorance; they +ain't natives in France--they're as white as wot we are."--_Sketch_. + + + + +NATURE LOVERS + + +"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?" + +"What for?" + +"For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and he hasn't +heard a robin this summer." + + + + +NAVIGATION + + +The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the +Captain why he didn't go on. + +"Can't see up the river, madam." + +"But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the stars overhead." + +"Yes, ma'am," said the Captain, "but until the boilers bust we ain't +goin' that way." + + + + +NEATNESS + + +The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common +remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to +appreciate their advantages. + +A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be another +side to the matter. + +"Martha, have you wiped the sink dry yet?" asked the farmer, as he made +final preparations for the night. + +"Yes, Josiah," she replied. "Why do you ask?" + +"Well, I did want a drink, but I guess I can get along until morning." + + + + +NEGROES + + +A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o' +cou't-plaster." + +"What color," he asked. + +"Flesh cullah, suh." + +Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster. + +The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous, but her +face was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents and said: + +"I ast for flesh cullah, an' you done give me skin cullah." A cart +containing a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a mule. The +driver, a darky of about twenty, was endeavoring to induce the mule to +increase its speed, when suddenly the animal let fly with its heels and +dealt him such a kick on the head that he was stretched on the ground in +a twinkling. He lay rubbing his woolly pate where the mule had kicked +him. + +"Is he hurt?" asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who had +jumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate driver. + +"No, Boss," was the older man's reply; "dat mule will probably walk kind +o' tendah for a day or two, but he ain't hurt." + + +In certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English with a +broad brogue. They are probably descended from the slaves of the Irish +adventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers. + +A gentleman from Dublin upon arriving at a West Indian port was accosted +by a burly negro fruit vender with, "Th, top uv th' mornin' to ye, an' +would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit, sor?" + +The Irishman stared at him in amazement. + +"An' how long have ye been here?" he finally asked. + +"Goin' on three months, yer Honor," said the vender, thinking of the +time he had left his inland home. + +"Three months, is it? Only three months an' as black as thot? Faith, +I'll not land!" + + +Dinah, crying bitterly, was coming down the street with her feet +bandaged. + +"Why, what on earth's the matter?" she was asked. "How did you hurt your +feet, Dinah?" + +"Dat good fo' nothin' nigger [sniffle] done hit me on de haid wif a club +while I was standin' on de hard stone pavement." + + +"'Liza, what fo' yo' buy dat udder box of shoe-blacknin'?" + +"Go on, Nigga', dat ain't shoe-blacknin', dat's ma massage cream!" + + +"Johnny," said the mother as she vigorously scrubbed the small boy's +face with soap and water, "didn't I tell you never to blacken your face +again? Here I've been scrubbing for half an hour and it won't come off." + +"I--I--ouch!" sputtered the small boy; "I ain't your little boy. +I--ouch! I'se Mose, de colored lady's little boy." + + +The day before she was to be married an old negro servant came to her +mistress and intrusted her savings to her keeping. + +"Why should I keep your money for you? I thought you were going to be +married?" said the mistress. + +"So I is, Missus, but do you 'spose I'd keep all dis yer money in de +house wid dat strange nigger?" + + +A southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. George +received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his eyes on +a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out fast enough +to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters somewhat by rubbing +grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the spot, he called George and +asked if he had noticed it. George said, "Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed +dat spot and tried mighty hard to get it out, but I couldn't." + +"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked. + +"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good." + +"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?" + +"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but dat +spot wouldn't come out." + +"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a last +resort. + +"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit." + + +A negro went into a hardware shop and asked to be shown some razors, and +after critically examining those submitted to him the would-be purchaser +was asked why he did not try a "safety," to which he replied: "I ain' +lookin' for that kind. I wants this for social purposes." + + +Before a house where a colored man had died, a small darkey was standing +erect at one side of the door. It was about time for the services to +begin, and the parson appeared from within and said to the darkey: "De +services are about to begin. Aren't you a-gwine in?" + +"I'se would if I'se could, parson," answered the little negro, "but yo' +see I'se de crape." + + +_See also_ Chicken stealing. + + + + +NEIGHBORS + + +THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner." + +THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner." + +THE MAN--"I know it, lady; the neighbors did." + + + + +NEW JERSEY + + +"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and mosquitoes +swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner who had been +cast upon the Jersey sands. + +"You just bet I had a terrible experience," he acknowledged. "My +experience was worse than that of the man who wrote 'Water, water +everywhere, but not a drop to drink.' With me it was bites, bites +everywhere, but not a bite to eat." + + + + +NEW YORK CITY + + +At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the Bishop of +New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and possibilities +of his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like all good +Californians, is imbued with the conviction that it would be hard to +equal a place he knows of on the Pacific, and following the Bishop of +New York he gave a glowing picture of California, concluding: + +"Not only is it the best place on earth to live in, but it has superior +advantages, too, as a place to die in; for there we have at our +threshold the beautiful Golden Gate, while in New York they only +have--well, you know which gate it is over at New York!" One night Dave +Warfield was playing at David Belasco's new theatre, supported by one of +Mr. Belasco's new companies. The performance ran with a smoothness of a +Standard Oil lawyer explaining rebates to a Federal court. A worthy +person of the farming classes, sitting in G 14, was plainly impressed. +In an interval between the acts he turned to the metropolitan who had +the seat next him. + +"Where do all them troopers come from?" he inquired. + +"I don't think I understand," said the city-dweller. + +"I mean them actors up yonder on the stage," explained the man from +afar. "Was they brought on specially for this show, or do they live +here?" + +"I believe most of them live here in town," said the New Yorker. + +"Well, they do purty blamed well for home talent," said the stranger. + + +A traveler in Tennessee came across an aged negro seated in front of his +cabin door basking in the sunshine. + +"He could have walked right on the stage for an Uncle Tom part without a +line of makeup," says the traveler. "He must have been eighty years of +age." + +"Good morning, uncle," says the stranger. + +"Mornin', sah! Mornin'," said the aged one. Then he added, "Be you the +gentleman over yonder from New York?" + +Being told that such was the case the old darky said; "Do you mind +telling me something that has been botherin' my old haid? I have got a +grandson--he runs on the Pullman cyars--and he done tell me that up thar +in New York you-all burn up youah folks when they die. He is a poherful +liar, and I don't believe him." + +"Yes," replied the other, "that is the truth in some cases. We call it +cremation." + +"Well, you suttenly surprise me," said the negro and then he paused as +if in deep reflection. Finally he said: "You-all know I am a Baptist. I +believe in the resurrection and the life everlastin' and the coming of +the Angel Gabriel and the blowin' of that great horn, and Lawdy me, how +am they evah goin' to find them folks on that great mawnin'?" + +It was too great a task for an offhand answer, and the suggestion was +made that the aged one consult his minister. Again the negro fell into a +brown study, and then he raised his head and his eyes twinkled merrily, +and he said in a soft voice: + +"Meanin' no offense, sah, but from what Ah have heard about New York I +kinder calcerlate they is a lot of them New York people that doan' +wanter be found on that mornin'." + + + + +NEWS + + +Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, +Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of +newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught there. +Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, he cried, +"Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all the news +out!"--_Sue M.M. Halsey_. + + +"Our whole neighborhood has been stirred up," said the regular reader. + +The editor of the country weekly seized his pen. "Tell me about it," he +said. "What we want is news. What stirred it up?" + +"Plowing," said the farmer. + + +There is nothing new except what is forgotten.--_Mademoiselle Berlin_. + + + + +NEWSPAPERS + + +A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of +newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you tired, +my boy?" + +"Naw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad. + + +VOX POPULI--"Do you think you've boosted your circulation by giving a +year's subscription for the biggest potato raised in the county?" + +THE EDITOR--"Mebbe not; but I got four barrels of samples." + + +COLONEL HIGHFLYER--"What are your rates per column?" + +EDITOR OF "SWELL SOCIETY"--"For insertion or suppression?"--_Life_. + + +EDITOR--"You wish a position as a proofreader?" + +APPLICANT--"Yes, sir." + +"Do you understand the requirements of that responsible position?" + +"Perfectly, sir. Whenever you make any mistakes in the paper, just blame +'em on me, and I'll never say a word." + + +A prominent Montana newspaper man was making the round of the insane +asylum of that state in an official capacity as an inspector. One of the +inmates mistook him for a recent arrival. + +"What made you go crazy?" + +"I was trying to make money out of the newspaper business," replied the +editor, to humor the demented one. + +"Rats, you're not crazy; you're just a plain darn fool," was the +lunatic's comment. + + +"Did you write this report on my lecture, 'The Curse of Whiskey'?" + +"Yes, madam." + +"Then kindly explain what you mean by saying, 'The lecturer was +evidently full of her subject!'" + + +We clip the following for the benefit of those who doubt the power of +the press: + +"Owing to the overcrowded condition of our columns, a number of births +and deaths are unavoidably postponed this week." + + +"Binks has sued us for libel," announced the assistant editor of the +sensational paper. + +The managing editor's face brightened. + +"Tell him," he said, "that if he will put up a strong fight we'll +cheerfully pay the damages and charge them up to the advertising +account." + + +Booth Tarkington says that in no state have the newspapers more +"journalistic enterprise" than in his native Indiana. While stopping at +a little Hoosier hotel in the course of a hunting trip Mr. Tarkington +lost one of his dogs. + +"Have you a newspaper in town?" he asked of the landlord. + +"Right across the way, there, back of the shoemaker's," the landlord +told him. "The _Daily News_--best little paper of its size in the +state." + +The editor, the printer, and the printer's devil were all busy doing +justice to Mr. Tarkington with an "in-our-midst" paragraph when the +novelist arrived. + +"I've just lost a dog," Tarkington explained after he had introduced +himself, "and I'd like to have you insert this ad for me: 'Fifty dollars +reward for the return of a pointer dog answering to the name of Rex. +Disappeared from the yard of the Mansion House Monday night.'" + +"Why, we are just going to press, sir," the editor said, "but we'll be +only too glad to hold the edition for your ad." + +Mr. Tarkington returned to the hotel. After a few minutes he decided, +however, that it might be well to add, "No questions asked" to his +advertisement, and returned to the _Daily News_ office. + +The place was deserted, save for the skinny little freckle-faced devil, +who sat perched on a high stool, gazing wistfully out of the window. + +"Where is everybody?" Tarkington asked. + +"Gawn to hunt for th' dawg," replied the boy. + + +"You are the greatest inventor in the world," exclaimed a newspaper man +to Alexander Graham Bell. + +"Oh, no, my friend, I'm not," said Professor Bell. "I've never been a +reporter." + + +Not long ago a city editor in Ottumwa, Iowa, was told over the telephone +that a prominent citizen had just died suddenly. He called a reporter +and told him to rush out and get the "story." Twenty minutes later the +reporter returned, sat down at his desk, and began to rattle off copy on +his typewriter. + +"Well, what about it?" asked the city editor. + +"Oh, nothing much," replied the reporter, without looking up. "He was +walking along the street when he suddenly clasped his hands to his heart +and said, 'I'm going to die!' Then he leaned up against a fence and made +good." + + +Enraged over something the local newspaper had printed about him, a +subscriber burst into the editor's office in search of the responsible +reporter. "Who are you?" he demanded, glaring at the editor, who was +also the main stockholder. + +"I'm the newspaper," was the calm reply. + +"And who are you?" he next inquired, turning his resentful gaze on the +chocolate-colored office-devil clearing out the waste basket. + +"Me?" rejoined the darky, grinning from ear to ear. "Ah guess ah's de +cul'ud supplement." + + +Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand +bayonets.--_Napoleon I_. + + +Newspapers always excite curiosity. No one ever lays one down without a +feeling of disappointment.--_Charles Lamb_. + + + + +OBESITY + + +_See_ Corpulence. + + + + +OBITUARIES + + +If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps, +corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a sign that you +are not well, but liable to die any minute. Pay your subscription in +advance and thus make yourself solid for a good obituary +notice.--_Mountain Echo_. + + +_See_ also Epitaphs. + + + + +OBSERVATION + + +In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious +father tried to give some good advice. + +"Be observing, my son," said the father on one occasion. "Cultivate the +habit of seeing, and you will be a successful man. Study things and +remember them. Don't go through the world blindly. Learn to use your +eyes. Boys who are observing know a great deal more than those who are +not." + +Willie listened in silence. + +Several days later when the entire family, consisting of his mother, +aunt and uncle, were present, his father said: + +"Well, Willie, have you kept using your eyes as I advised you to do?" + +Willie nodded, and after a moment's hesitation said: + +"I've seen a few things right around the house. Uncle Jim's got a bottle +of hair dye hid under his trunk, Aunt Jennie's got an extra set of teeth +in her dresser, Ma's got some curls in her hat, and Pa's got a deck of +cards and a box of chips behind the books in the secretary." + + + + +OCCUPATIONS + + +Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was +entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter inquired: + +"An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?" + +"Sure, he's a di'mond-cuttter." + +"Ye don't mane it!" + +"Yis; he cuts th' grass off th' baseball grounds."--_L.F. Clarke_. + + +All business men are apt to use the technical terms of their daily +labors in situations outside of working hours. One time a railroad man +was entertaining his pastor at dinner and his sons, who had to wait +until their elders had finished got into mischief. At the end of the +meal, their father excused himself for a moment saying he had to "switch +some empties." + + +"Professor," said Miss Skylight, "I want you to suggest a course in life +for me. I have thought of journalism--" + +"What are your own inclinations?" + +"Oh, my soul yearns and throbs and pulsates with an ambition to give the +world a life-work that shall be marvelous in its scope, and weirdly +entrancing in the vastness of its structural beauty!" + +"Woman, you're born to be a milliner." + + +A woman, when asked her husband's occupation, said he was a mixologist. +The city directory called him a bartender. + + +"A good turkey dinner and mince pie," said a well-known after-dinner +orator, "always puts us in a lethargic mood--makes us feel, in fact, +like the natives of Nola Chucky. In Nola Chucky one day I said to a man: + +"'What is the principal occupation of this town?' + +"'Wall, boss,' the man answered, yawning, 'in winter they mostly sets on +the east side of the house and follers the sun around to the west, and +in summer they sets on the west side and follers the shade around to the +east.'" + + +JONES--"How'd this happen? The last time I was here you were running a +fish-market, and now you've got a cheese-shop." + +SMITH--"Yes. Well, you see the doctor said I needed a change of air." + + +The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a +grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for +with a great deal of enjoyment--_Douglas Jerrold_. + + + + +OCEAN + + +A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down +from Boston. + +"Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning. + +"Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the ocean kept +me awake all night." + + +Love the sea? I dote upon it--from the beach.--_Douglas Jerrold_. + + + I never was on the dull, tame shore, + But I loved the great sea more and more. + + --_Barry Cornwall_. + + + + +OFFICE BOYS + + +"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?" + +"I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three +mining-companies now." + + + + +OFFICE-SEEKERS + + +A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented in +Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the national +capitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose to be +sufficiently prominent to become a congressional subject, and he was +visited by the central committee of his district to be talked to. + +"We want you," said the spokesman, "to accept the nomination for +Congress." + +"I can't do it, gentlemen," he responded promptly. + +"You must," the spokesman demanded. + +"But I can't," he insisted. "I'm too poor." + +"Oh, that will be all right; we've got plenty of money for the +campaign." + +"But that is nothing," contended the gentleman; "it's the expense in +Washington. I've been there, and know all about it." + +"Well you didn't lose by it, and it doesn't cost any more because you +come from California." + +The gentleman became very earnest. + +"Doesn't it?" he exclaimed in a business-like tone. "Why my dear sirs, I +used to have to send home every month about half a dozen busted +office-seeker constituents, and the fare was only $3 apiece, and I could +stand it, but it would cost me over $100 a head to send them out here, +and I'm no millionaire; therefore, as much as I regret it, I must insist +on declining." + + +"On a trip to Washington," said Col. W.F. Cody. "I had for a companion +Sousa, the band leader. We had berths opposite each other. Early one +morning as we approached the capital I thought I would have a little +fun. I got a morning paper, and, after rustling it a few minutes, I said +to Sousa: + +"'That's the greatest order Cleveland has just issued!' + +"'What's that?' came from the opposite berth. + +"'Why he's ordered all the office-seekers rounded up at the depot and +sent home.' + +"You should have seen the general consternation that ensued. From almost +every berth on the car a head came out from between the curtains, and +with one accord nearly every man shouted: + +'What's that?'" + + + + +OLD AGE + + +_See_ Age. + + + + +OLD MASTERS + + +_See_ Paintings. + + + + +ONIONS + + + Can the Burbanks of the glorious West + Either make or buy or sell + An onion with an onion's taste + But with a violet's smell? + + +SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away." + +HE--"Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away." + + + + +OPERA + + +"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs. +Cumrox. + +"There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband. + +"Yes." + +"Then I guess it's one of them." + + + + +OPPORTUNITY + + +Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities.--_Life_. + + + Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis offer'd, + Shall never find it more. + + --_Shakespeare_. + + + In life's small things be resolute and great + To keep thy muscles trained; know'st thou when fate + Thy measure takes? or when she'll say to thee, + "I find thee worthy, do this thing for me!" + + --_Emerson_. + + + + +OPTIMISM + + +Optimism is Worry on a spree.--_Judge_. + + +An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't +happen to him. + + +An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him.--_J.J. +O'Connell_. + + +An optimist is a woman who thinks that everything is for the best, and +that she is the best.-_Judge_. + + +A political optimist is a fellow who can make sweet, pink lemonade out +of the bitter yellow fruit which his opponents hand him. + + +Mayor William S. Jordan, at a Democratic banquet in Jacksonville, said +of optimism: + +"Let us cultivate optimism and hopefulness. There is nothing like it. +The optimistic man can see a bright side to everything--everything. + +"A missionary in a slum once laid his hand on a man's shoulder and said: + +"'Friend, do you hear the solemn ticking of that clock? Tick-tack; +tick-tack. And oh, friend, do you know what day it inexorably and +relentlessly brings nearer?" + +"'Yes-pay day,' the other, an honest, optimistic workingman, replied." + + +A Scotsman who has a keen appreciation of the strong characteristics of +his countrymen delights in the story of a druggist known both for his +thrift and his philosophy. + +Once he was aroused from a deep sleep by the ringing of his night bell. +He went down to his little shop and sold a dose of rather nauseous +medicine to a distressed customer. + +"What profit do you make out of that?" grumbled his wife. + +"A ha'penny," was the cheerful answer. + +"And for that bit of money you'll lie awake maybe an hour," she said +impatiently. + +"Never grumble o'er that, woman," was his placid answer. "The dose will +keep him awake all night. We must thank heaven we ha' the profit and +none o' the pain o' this transaction." + + +A German shoemaker left the gas turned on in his shop one night and upon +arriving in the morning struck a match to light it. + +There was a terrific explosion, and the shoemaker was blown out through +the door almost to the middle of the street. + +A passer-by rushed to his assistance, and, after helping him to rise, +inquired if he was injured. + +The little German gazed at his place of business, which was now burning +quite briskly, and said: + +"No, I ain't hurt. But I got out shust in time, eh?" + + + My own hope is, a sun will pierce + The thickest cloud earth ever stretched; + That, after Last, returns the First, + Tho' a wide compass round be fetched; + That what began best, can't prove worst, + Nor what God blessed once, prove accursed. + + --_Browning_. + + + + +ORATORS + + +It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on the +streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh, of the +conco's befor' the co't house?" + +To which the majah replied: + +"General Buckneh is making a speech. General Buckneh suh, is a bo'n +oratah." + +"What do you mean by bo'n oratah?" + +"If you or I, suh, were asked how much two and two make, we would reply +'foh.' When this is asked of a bo'n oratah, he replies: 'When in the +co'se of human events it becomes necessary to take an integah of the +second denomination and add it, suh, to an integah of the same +denomination, the result, suh--and I have the science of mathematics to +back me up in my judgment--the result, suh, and I say it without feah of +successful contradiction, suh-the result is fo'' That's a bo'n oratah." + + +When Demosthenes was asked what was the first part of Oratory, he +answered, "Action," and which was the second, he replied, "Action," and +which was the third, he still answered "Action."--_Plutarch_. + + + + +OUTDOOR LIFE + + +One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled into +Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinners," to a +man, repaired to the Combination Gambling House and proceeded to load +themselves. Late in the afternoon, Zeb White, Smith's oldest skinner, +having exchanged all of his hard coin for liquid refreshment, zigzagged +into the corral, crawled under a wagon, and went to sleep. After supper, +Smith, making his nightly rounds, happened on the sleeping Zeb. + +"Kinder chilly, ain't it?" he asked, after earnestly prodding Zeb with a +convenient stick. + +"I reckon 'tis," Zeb drowsily mumbled. + +"Ain't yer 'fraid ye'll freeze?" + +'"Tis cold, ain't it? Say, Cap, jest throw on another wagon, will yer?" + + + + +PAINTING + + +_See_ Art. + + + + +PAINTINGS + + +She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed +in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening +her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the best +room. "These," said the mistress of the house, pausing before an +extensive row of masculine portraits, "are very valuable, and you must +be very careful when dusting. They are old masters." Mary's jaw dropped, +and a look of intense wonder overspread her rubicund face. + +"Lor', mum," she gasped, gazing with bulging eyes on the face of her new +employer, "lor', mum, who'd ever 'ave thought you'd been married all +these times!" + + +A picture is a poem without words.--_Cornificus_. + + + + +PANICS + + +One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible +odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent, +when an actor appeared on the stage. + +"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is no +danger." + +The audience did not seem reassured. + +"Ladies and gentlemen," continued the comedian, rising to the necessity +of the occasion, "confound it all--do you think if there was any danger +I'd be here?" + +The panic collapsed. + + + + +PARENTS + + +William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting +while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for +their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his mother, and, patting her +on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear, I love you." + +"Don't you love me too?" asked his father. + +Without glancing at him, William said disdainfully, "The wire's busy." + + +"What does your mother say when you tell her those dreadful lies?" + +"She says I take after father." + + +"A little lad was desperately ill, but refused to take the medicine the +doctor had left. At last his mother gave him up. + +"Oh, my boy will die; my boy will die," she sobbed. + +But a voice spoke from the bed, "Don't cry, mother. Father'll be home +soon and he'll make me take it." + + +Mrs. White was undoubtedly the disciplinarian of the family. The master +of the house, a professor, and consequently a very busy man, was +regarded by the children as one of themselves, subject to the laws of +"Mother." + +Mrs. White had been ill for some weeks and although the father felt that +the children were showing evidence of running wild, he seemed powerless +to correct the fault. One evening at dinner, however, he felt obliged to +reprimand Marion severely. + +"Marion," he said, sternly, "stop that at once, or I shall take you from +the table and punish you soundly." + +He experienced a feeling of profound satisfaction in being able to thus +reprove when it was necessary and glanced across the table expecting to +see a very demure little miss. Instead, Marion and her little brother +exchanged glances and then simultaneously a grin overspread their faces, +while Marion said in a mirthful tone: + +"Oh, Francis, hear father trying to talk like mother!" + + +Robert has lately acquired a stepmother. Hoping to win his affection +this new parent has been very lenient with him, while his father, +feeling his responsibility, has been unusually strict. The boys of the +neighborhood, who had taken pains to warn Robert of the terrible +character of stepmothers in general, recently waited on him in a body, +and the following conversation was overheard: + +"How do you like your stepmother, Bob?" + +"Like her! Why fellers, I just love her. All I wish is I had a +stepfather, too." + + +"Well, Bobby, what do you want to be when you grow up?" + +BOBBY (remembering private seance in the wood-shed)--"A orphan." + + +Little Eleanor's mother was an American, while her father was a German. + +One day, after Eleanor had been subjected to rather severe disciplinary +measures at the hands of her father, she called her mother into another +room, closed the door significantly, and said: "Mother, I don't want to +meddle in your business, but I wish you'd send that husband of yours +back to Germany." + + +The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation of a +brief. So bent was he on his work that he did not hear the door as it +was pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was thrust into his +office. A little sob attracted his notice, and, turning he saw a face +that was streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings had been +hurt. + +"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?" + +"Are you a lawyer?" + +"Yes. What do you want?" + +"I want"--and there was resolute ring in his voice--"I want a divorce +from my papa and mama." + + + + +PARROTS + + +Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking +down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing. +Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird turned quickly, +screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" Pat shied off like a frightened +horse, lifting his hat and bowing politely as he stuttered out: +"Ex-excuse me s-sir, I thought you was a burrd!" + + + + +PARTNERSHIP + + +A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his +business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resisting +between me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm +will settle wid me, and dem what de firm owes will settle wid Mose." + + + + +PASSWORDS + +"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years +rented a safety-deposit box. + +"Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?" + +"Gladys." + +"And what do you wish the new one to be?" + +"Mabel. Gladys has gone to Reno." + + +Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent around +the Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on the floor, +conducted him to the Senate gallery. + +After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery door-keeper and +said: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He brought me +here and I want to go out and look around a bit. I though I would tell +you so I can get back in." + +"That's all right," said the doorkeeper, "but I may not be here when you +return. In order to prevent any mistake I will give you the password so +you can get your seat again." + +Swate's eyes rather popped out at this. "What's the word?" he asked. + +"Idiosyncrasy." + +"What?" + +"Idiosyncrasy." + +"I guess I'll stay in," said Swate. + + + + +PATIENCE + + +"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately." + +"Yes, he is, very." + +"What is the matter with him?" + +"He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit +patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait." + + + + +PATRIOTISM + + +General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following +story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a +dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his head +bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him. He was soliloquizing in +this manner: + +"I love my country. I'd fight for my country. I'd starve and go thirsty +for my country. I'd die for my country. But if ever this damn war is +over I'll never love another country!" + + +A snobbish young Englishman visiting Washington's home at Mount Vernon +was so patronizing as to arouse the wrath of guards and caretakers; but +it remained for "Shep" Wright, an aged gardener and one of the first +scouts of the Confederate army, to settle the gentleman. Approaching +"Shep," the Englishman said: + +"Ah--er--my man, the hedge! Yes, I see, George got this hedge from dear +old England." + +"Reckon he did," replied "Shep". "He got this whole blooming country +from England." + + +Speaking of the policy of the Government of the United States with +respect to its troublesome neighbors in Central and South America, +"Uncle Joe" Cannon told of a Missouri congressman who is decidedly +opposed to any interference in this regard by our country. It seems that +this spring the Missourian met an Englishman at Washington with whom he +conversed touching affairs in the localities mentioned. The westerner +asserted his usual views with considerable forcefulness, winding up with +this observation: + +"The whole trouble is that we Americans need a ---- good licking!" + +"You do, indeed!" promptly asserted the Britisher, as if pleased by the +admission. But his exultation was of brief duration, for the Missouri +man immediately concluded with: + +"But there ain't nobody can do it!" + + +A number of Confederate prisoners, during the Civil War, were detained +at one of the western military posts under conditions much less +unpleasant than those to be found in the ordinary military prison. Most +of them appreciated their comparatively good fortune. One young fellow, +though, could not be reconciled to association with Yankees under any +circumstances, and took advantage of every opportunity to express his +feelings. He was continually rubbing it in about the battle of +Chickamauga, which had just been fought with such disastrous results for +the Union forces. + +"Maybe we didn't eat you up at Chickamauga!" was the way he generally +greeted a bluecoat. + +The Union men, when they could stand it no longer, reported the matter +to General Grant. Grant summoned the prisoner. + +"See here," said Grant, "I understand that you are continually insulting +the men here with reference to the battle of Chickamauga. They have +borne with you long enough, and I'm going to give you your choice of two +things. You will either take the oath of allegiance to the United +States, or be sent to a Northern prison. Choose." + +The prisoner was silent for some time. "Well," he said at last, in a +resigned tone, "I reckon, General, I'll take the oath." + +The oath was duly administered. Turning to Grant, the fellow then asked, +very penitently, if he might speak. + +"Yes," said the general indifferently. "What is it?" + +"Why, I was just thinkin', General," he drawled, "they certainly did +give us hell at Chickamauga." + + +Historical controversies are creeping into the schools. In a New York +public institution attended by many races, during an examination in +history the teacher asked a little chap who discovered America. + +He was evidently thrown into a panic and hesitated, much to the +teacher's surprise, to make any reply. + +"Oh, please, ma'am," he finally stammered, "ask me somethin' else." + +"Something else, Jimmy? Why should I do that?" + +"The fellers was talkin' 'bout it yesterday," replied Jimmy, "Pat McGee +said it was discovered by an Irish saint. Olaf, he said it was a sailor +from Norway, and Giovanni said it was Columbus, an' if you'd a-seen what +happened you wouldn't ask a little feller like me." + + +Our country! When right to be kept right; when wrong to be put +right!--_Carl Schurz_. + + +Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she always be +in the right; but our country, right or wrong.--_Stephen Decatur_. + + +There are no points of the compass on the chart of true +patriotism.--_Robert C. Winthrop_. + + +Patriotic exercises and flag worship will avail nothing unless the +states give to their people of the kind of government that arouses +patriotism.--_Franklin Pierce II_. + + + + +PENSIONS + + +WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace." + +GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that +in case of war the winner pays the pensions."--_Puck_. + + +"Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inquired Mrs. McClane +of an old colored woman in West Virginia. + +"'Deed, Miss Ellie," replied the old woman earnestly, "dat daid nigger's +wuth moah to me dan a live one. I gits a pension."--_Edith Howell +Armor_. + + +If England had a system of pensions like ours, we should see that "all +that was left of the Noble Six Hundred" was six thousand pensioners. + + + + +PESSIMISM + + +A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist.--_Francis Wilson_. + + + How happy are the Pessimists! + A bliss without alloy + Is theirs when they have proved to us + There's no such thing as joy! + + --_Harold Susman_. + + +A pessimist is one who, of two evils, chooses them both. + + +"I had a mighty queer surprise this morning," remarked a local stock +broker. "I put on my last summer's thin suit on account of this +extraordinary hot weather, and in one of the trousers pockets I found a +big roll of bills which I had entirely forgotten." + +"Were any of them receipted?" asked a pessimist. + + +To tell men that they cannot help themselves is to fling them into +recklessness and despair.--_Fronde_. + + + With earth's first clay they did the last man knead, + And there of the last harvest sowed the seed: + And the first morning of creation wrote + What the last dawn of reckoning shall read. + + Yesterday this day's madness did prepare; + Tomorrow's silence, triumph, or despair. + Drink! For you know not whence you came, nor why; + Drink! For you know not why you go, nor where. + + --_Omar Khayyam_ + + + + +PHILADELPHIA + + +A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in the +borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of +transplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap for a few weeks. They +were discussing their plans the other day, when the oldest boy, aged +eight, looked up from his geography and said: + +"Pop, Philadelphia is on the Delaware River, isn't it?" + +Pop replied that such was the case. + +"I wonder if that's what makes the Delaware Water Gap?" insinuated the +youngster.--_S.S. Stinson_. + + +Among the guests at an informal dinner in New York was a bright +Philadelphia girl. + +"These are snails," said a gentleman next to her, when the dainty was +served. "I suppose Philadelphia people don't eat them for fear of +cannibalism." + +"Oh, no," was her instant reply; "it isn't that. We couldn't catch +them." + + + + +PHILANTHROPISTS + + + Little grains of short weight, + Little crooked twists, + Fill the land with magnates + And philanthropists. + + +_See also_ Charity. + + + + +PHILOSOPHY + + +Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which +you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can have +them.--_Puck_. + + + + +PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS + + +The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a friend, +was playing in his father's office, during the absence of the doctor, +when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door and disclosed to +the terrified gaze of his little friend an articulated skeleton. + +When the visitor had sufficiently recovered from his shock to stand the +announcement the doctor's son explained that his father was extremely +proud of that skeleton. + +"Is he?" asked the other. "Why?" + +"I don't know," was the answer; "maybe it was his first patient." + + +The doctor stood by the bedside, and looked gravely down at the sick +man. + +"I can not hide from you the fact that you are very ill," he said. "Is +there any one you would like to see?" + +"Yes," said the sufferer faintly. + +"Who is it?" + +"Another doctor."--_Judge_. + + +"Doctor, I want you to look after my office while I'm on my vacation." + +"But I've just graduated, doctor. Have had no experience." "That's all +right, my boy. My practice is strictly fashionable. Tell the men to play +golf and ship the lady patients off to Europe." + + +An old darky once lay seriously ill of fever and was treated for a long +time by one doctor, and then another doctor, for some reason, came and +took the first one's place. The second physician made a thorough +examination of the patient. At the end he said, "Did the other doctor +take your temperature?" + +"Ah dunno, sah," the patient answered. "Ah hain't missed nuthin' so far +but mah watch." + + +There had been an epidemic of colds in the town, and one physician who +had had scarcely any sleep for two days called upon a patient--an +Irishman--who was suffering from pneumonia, and as he leaned over to +hear the patient's respiration he called upon Pat to count. + +The doctor was so fatigued that he fell asleep, with his ear on the sick +man's chest. It seemed but a minute when he suddenly awoke to hear Pat +still counting: "Tin thousand an' sivinty-six, tin thousand an' +sivinty-sivin--" + + +FIRST DOCTOR--"I operated on him for appendicitis." + +SECOND DOCTOR--"What was the matter with him?"--_Life_. + + +FUSSY LADY PATIENT--"I was suffering so much, doctor, that I wanted to +die." + +DOCTOR--"You did right to call me in, dear lady." + + +MEDICAL STUDENT--"What did you operate on that man for?" + +EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars." + +MEDICAL STUDENT--"I mean what did he have?" + +EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars." + + +The three degrees in medical treatment--Positive, ill; comparative, +pill; superlative, bill. + + +"What caused the coolness between you and that young doctor? I thought +you were engaged." + +"His writing is rather illegible. He sent me a note calling for 10,000 +kisses." + +"Well?" + +"I thought it was a prescription, and took it to the druggist to be +filled." + + +A tourist while traveling in the north of Scotland, far away from +anywhere, exclaimed to one of the natives: "Why, what do you do when any +of you are ill? You can never get a doctor." + +"Nae, sir," replied Sandy. "We've jist to dee a naitural death." + + +When the physician gives you medicine and tells you to take it, you take +it. "Yours not to reason why; yours but to do and die." + + +Physicians, of all men, are most happy: whatever good success soever +they have, the world proclaimeth; and what faults they commit, the earth +covereth.--_Quarles_. + + + This is the way that physicians mend or end us, + Secundum artem: but although we sneer + In health--when ill, we call them to attend us, + Without the least propensity to jeer. + + --_Byron_. + + +_See also_ Bills. + + + + +PICKPOCKETS + + +_See_ Thieves; Wives. + + + + +PINS + + +"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a dinner-party, "I +can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to, anyway?" + +"That's a difficult question to answer," replied her husband, "because +they are always pointed in one direction and headed in another." + + + + +PITTSBURG + + +"How about that airship?" + +"It went up in smoke." + +"Burned, eh?" + +"Oh, no. Made an ascension at Pittsburg." + + +SKYBOUGH--"Why have you put that vacuum cleaner in front of your +airship?" + +KLOUDLEIGH--"To clear a path. I have an engagement to sail over +Pittsburg." + + +A man just back from South America was describing a volcanic +disturbance. + +"I was smoking a cigar before the door of my hotel," said he, "when I +was startled by a rather violent earthquake. The next instant the sun +was obscured and darkness settled over the city. Looking in the +direction of the distant volcano, I saw heavy clouds of smoke rolling +from it, with an occasional tongue of flame flashing against the dark +sky. + +"Some of the natives about me were on their knees praying; others darted +aimlessly about, crazed with terror and shouting for mercy. The landlord +of the hotel rushed out and seized me by the arm. + +"'To the harbor!' he cried in my ear. + +"Together we hurried down the narrow street. As we panted along, the +dark smoke whirled in our faces, and a dangerous shower of red-hot +cinders sizzled about us. Do you know, I don't believe I was ever so +homesick in all my life!" + +"Homesick?" gasped the listener. "Homesick at a time like that?" + +"Sure. I live in Pittsburg, you know." + + + + +PLAY + + +The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up with +battering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the +matter. There she found Tommie sitting in the middle of the floor with a +broad smile on his face. + +"Oh, Mama," said he delightedly, "I've locked Grandpa and Uncle George +in the cupboard, and when they get a little angrier I am going to play +Daniel in the lion's den." + + + + +PLEASURE + + +BILLY--"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday party +yesterday." + +WILLIE--"I bet I did." + +BILLY--"Then why ain't you sick today?" + + +Winnie had been very naughty, and her mamma said: "Don't you know you +will never go to Heaven if you are so naughty?" + +After thinking a moment she said: "Oh, well, I have been to the circus +once and 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' twice. I can't expect to go everywhere." + + +In Concord, New Hampshire, they tell of an old chap who made his wife +keep a cash account. Each week he would go over it, growling and +grumbling. On one such occasion he delivered himself of the following: + +"Look here, Sarah, mustard-plasters, fifty cents; three teeth extracted, +two dollars! There's two dollars and a half in one week spent for your +own private pleasure. Do you think I am made of money?" + + +Here's to beauty, wit and wine and to a full stomach, a full purse and a +light heart. + + + A dinner, coffee and cigars, + Of friends, a half a score. + Each favorite vintage in its turn,-- + What man could wish for more? + + +The roses of pleasure seldom last long enough to adorn the brow of him +who plucks them; for they are the only roses which do not retain their +sweetness after they have lost their beauty.--_Hannah More_. + + +_See also_ Amusements. + + + + +POETRY + + +Poetry is a gift we are told, but most editors won't take it even at +that. + + + + +POETS + + +EDITOR--"Have you submitted this poem anywhere else?" + +JOKESMITH--"No, sir." + +EDITOR--"Then where did you get that black eye?"--_Satire_. + + +"Why is it," asked the persistent poetess, "that you always insist that +we write on one side of the paper only? Why not on both?" + +In that moment the editor experienced an access of courage--courage to +protest against the accumulated wrongs of his kind. + +"One side of the paper, madame," he made answer, "is in the nature of a +compromise." + +"A compromise?" + +"A compromise. What we really desire, if we could have our way, is not +one, or both, but neither." + + +Sir Lewis Morris was complaining to Oscar Wilde about the neglect of his +poems by the press. "It is a complete conspiracy of silence against me, +a conspiracy of silence. What ought I to do, Oscar?" "Join it," replied +Wilde. + + + God's prophets of the Beautiful, + These Poets were. + + --_E.B. Browning_. + + + We call those poets who are first to mark + Through earth's dull mist the coming of the dawn,-- + Who see in twilight's gloom the first pale spark, + While others only note that day is gone. + + --_O.W. Holmes_. + + + + +POLICE + + +A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six different +positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the police department. +A few days later the chief of police wrote to headquarters: "Sir, I have +duly received the portraits of the six miscreants. I have arrested five +of them, and the sixth will be secured shortly." + + +"I had a message from the Black Hand," said the resident of Graftburg. +"They told me to leave $2,000 in a vacant house in a certain street." + +"Did you tell the police?" + +"Right away." + +"What did they do?" + +"They said that while I was about it I might leave them a couple of +thousand in the same place." + + +Recipe for a policeman: + + To a quart of boiling temper add a pint of Irish stew + Together with cracked nuts, long beats and slugs; + Serve hot with mangled citizens who ask the time of day-- + The receipt is much the same for making thugs. + + --_Life_. + + +_See also_ Servants. + + + + +POLITENESS + + +_See_ Courtesy; Etiquet. + + + + +POLITICAL PARTIES + + +ZOO SUPERINTENDENT--"What was all the rumpus out there this morning?" + +ATTENDANT--"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting over their +feed." + +"What happened?" + +"The donkey ate it."--_Life_. + + + + +POLITICIANS + + +Politicians always belong to the opposite party. + + +The man who goes into politics as a business has no business to go into +politics.--_Life_. + + +A political orator, evidently better acquainted with western geography +than with the language of the Greeks, recently exclaimed with fervor +that his principles should prevail "from Alpha to Omaha." + + +POLITICIAN--"Congratulate me, my dear, I've won the nomination." + +HIS WIFE (in surprise)--"Honestly?" + +POLITICIAN--"Now what in thunder did you want to bring up that point +for?" + + +"What makes you think the baby is going to be a great politician?" asked +the young mother, anxiously. + +"I'll tell you," answered the young father, confidently; "he can say +more things that sound well and mean nothing at all than any kid I ever +saw." + + +"The mere proposal to set the politician to watch the capitalist has +been disturbed by the rather disconcerting discovery that they are both +the same man. We are past the point where being a capitalist is the only +way of becoming a politician, and we are dangerously near the point +where being a politician is much the quickest way of becoming a +capitalist."--_G.K. Chesterton_. + + +At a political meeting the speakers and the audience were much annoyed +and disturbed by a man who constantly called out: "Mr. Henry! Henry, +Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" After several interruptions of +this kind during each speech, a young man ascended the platform, and +began an eloquent and impassioned speech in which he handled the issues +of the day with easy familiarity. He was in the midst of a glowing +period when suddenly the old cry echoed through the hall: "Mr. Henry! +Henry, Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" With a word to the speaker, +the chairman stepped to the front of the platform and remarked that it +would oblige the audience very much if the gentleman in the rear of the +hall would refrain from any further calls for Mr. Henry, as that +gentleman was then addressing the meeting. + +"Mr. Henry? Is that Mr. Henry?" came in astonished tones from the rear. +"Thunder! that can't be him. Why, that's the young man that asked me to +call for Mr. Henry." + + +A political speaker, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it +and exclaimed: "Now gentlemen, what do you think?" + +A man rose in the assembly, and with one eye partially closed, replied +modestly, with a strong Scotch brogue: "I think, sir, I do, indeed, +sir--I think if you and I were to stump the country together we could +tell more lies than any other two men in the country, sir, and I'd not +say a word myself during the whole time, sir." + + +The Rev. Dr. Biddell tells a lively story about a Presbyterian minister +who had a young son, a lad about ten years of age. He was endeavoring to +bring him up in the way he should go, and was one day asked by a friend +what he intended to make of him. In reply he said: + +"I am watching the indications. I have a plan which I propose trying +with the boy. It is this: I am going to place in my parlor a Bible, an +apple and a silver dollar. Then I am going to leave the room and call in +the boy. I am going to watch him from some convenient place without +letting him know that he is seen. Then, if he chooses the Bible, I shall +make a preacher of him; if he takes the apple, a farmer he shall be; but +if he chooses the dollar, I will make him a business man." + +The plan was carried out. The arrangements were made and the boy called +in from his play. After a little while the preacher and his wife softly +entered the room. There was the youngster. He was seated on the Bible, +in one hand was the apple, from which he was just taking a bite, and in +the other he clasped the silver dollar. The good man turned to his +consort. "Wife," he said, "the boy is a hog. I shall make a politician +of him." + + +Senator Mark Hanna was walking through his mill one day when he heard a +boy say: + +"I wish I had Hanna's money and he was in the poorhouse." + +When he returned to the office the senator sent for the lad, who was +plainly mystified by the summons. + +"So you wish you had my money and I was in the poorhouse," said the +great man grimly. "Now supposing you had your wish, what would you do?" + +"Well," said the boy quickly, his droll grin showing his appreciation of +the situation, "I guess I'd get you out of the poorhouse the first +thing." + +Mr. Hanna roared with laughter and dismissed the youth. + +"You might as well push that boy along," he said to one of his +assistants; "he's too good a politician to be kept down." + + +_See also_ Candidates; Public Speakers. + + + + +POLITICS + + +Politics consists of two sides and a fence. + + +If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British public, I +should define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in every four or five +years.--_A.E.W. Mason_. + + +LITTLE CLARENCE (who has an inquiring mind)--"Papa, the Forty Thieves--" + +MR. CALLIPERS--"Now, my son, you are too young to talk +politics."--_Puck_. + + +"Many a man," remarked the milk toast philosopher, "has gone into +politics with a fine future, and come out with a terrible past." Lord +Dufferin delivered an address before the Greek class of the McGill +University about which a reporter wrote: + +"His lordship spoke to the class in the purest ancient Greek, without +mispronouncing a word or making the slightest grammatical solecism." + +"Good heavens!" remarked Sir Hector Langevin to the late Sir John A. +Macdonald, "how did the reporter know that!" + +"I told him," was the Conservative statesman's answer. + +"But you don't know Greek." + +"True; but I know a little about politics." + + +Little Millie's father and grandfather were Republicans; and, as +election drew near, they spoke of their opponents with increasing +warmth, never heeding Millie's attentive ears and wondering eyes. + +One night, however, as the little maid was preparing for bed, she +whispered in a frightened voice: "Oh, mamma, I don't dare to go +upstairs. I'm afraid there's a Democrat under the bed." + + +"The shortest after-dinner speech I ever heard," said Cy Warman, the +poet, "was at a dinner in Providence." + +"A man was assigned to the topic, 'The Christian in Politics.' When he +was called upon he arose, bowed and said: 'Mr. Chairman, ladies and +gentlemen: The Christian in Politics--he ain't.'" + + +Politics is but the common pulse-beat of which revolution is the fever +spasm.--_Wendell Phillips_. + + + + +POVERTY + + +Poverty is no disgrace, but that's about all that can be said in its +favor. + + +A traveler passing through the Broad Top Mountain district in northern +Bedford County, Pennsylvania, last summer, came across a lad of sixteen +cultivating a patch of miserable potatoes. He remarked upon their +unpromising appearance and expressed pity for anyone who had to dig a +living out of such soil. + +"I don't need no pity," said the boy resentfully. + +The traveler hastened to soothe his wounded pride. But in the offended +tone of one who has been misjudged the boy added; "I ain't as poor as +you think. I'm only _workin'_ here. I don't _own_ this place." + + +One day an inspector of a New York tenement-house found four families +living in one room, chalk lines being drawn across in such manner as to +mark out a quarter for each family. + +"How do you get along here?" inquired the inspector. + +"Very well," was the reply. "Only the man in the farthest corner keeps +boarders." + + +There is no man so poor but that he can afford to keep one dog, and I +hev seen them so poor that they could afford to keep three.--_Josh +Billings_. + + +May poverty be always a day's march behind us. + + +Not he who has little, but he who wishes for more, is poor.--_Seneca_. + + + + +PRAISE + + +WIFE (complainingly)--"You never praise me up to any one." + +HUB--"I don't, eh! You should hear me describe you at the intelligence +office when I'm trying to hire a cook." + + +"What sort of a man is he?" + +"Well, he's just what I've been looking for--a generous soul, with a +limousine body."--_Life_. + + + + +PRAYER MEETINGS + + +A foreigner who attended a prayer meeting in Indiana was asked what the +assistants did. "Not very much," he said, "only they sin and +bray." + + + +PRAYERS + + +During the winter the village preacher was taken sick, and several of +his children were also afflicted with the mumps. One day a number of the +devout church members called to pray for the family. While they were +about it a boy, the son of a member living in the country, knocked at +the preacher's door. He had his arms full of things. "What have you +there?" a deacon asked him. + +"Pa's prayers for a happy Thanksgiving," the boy answered, as he +proceeded to unload potatoes, bacon, flour and other provisions for the +afflicted family. + + +A little girl in Washington surprised her mother the other day by +closing her evening prayers in these words: "Amen; good bye; ring off." + + +TEACHER--"Now, Tommy, suppose a man gave you $100 to keep for him and +then died, what would you do? Would you pray for him?" + +TOMMY--"No, sir; but I would pray for another like him." + + +A well-known revivalist whose work has been principally among the +negroes of a certain section of the South remembers one service +conducted by him that was not entirely successful. He had had very poor +attendance, and spent much time in questioning the darkies as to their +reason for not attending. + +"Why were you not at our revival?" he asked one old man, whom he +encountered on the road. + +"Oh, I dunno," said the backward one. + +"Don't you ever pray?" demanded the preacher. + +The old man shook his head. "No," said he; "I carries a rabbit's +foot."--_Taylor Edwards_. + + +A little girl attending an Episcopal church for the first time, was +amazed to see all kneel suddenly. She asked her mother what they were +going to do. Her mother replied, "Hush, they're going to say their +prayers." + +"What with all their clothes on?" + + +The new minister in a Georgia church was delivering his first sermon. +The darky janitor was a critical listener from a back corner of the +church. The minister's sermon was eloquent, and his prayers seemed to +cover the whole category of human wants. + +After the services one of the deacons asked the old darky what he +thought of the new minister. "Don't you think he offers up a good +prayer, Joe?" + +"Ah mos' suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat man axed de good Lord fo' things +dat de odder preacher didn't even know He had!" + + +Hilma was always glad to say her prayers, but she wanted to be sure that +she was heard in the heavens above as well as on the earth beneath. + +One night, after the usual "Amen," she dropped her head upon her pillow +and closed her eyes. After a moment she lifted her hand and, waving it +aloft, said, "Oh, Lord! this prayer comes from 203 Selden Avenue." + + +Willie's mother had told him that if he went to the river to play he +should go to bed. One day she was away, and on coming home about two +o'clock in the afternoon found Willie in bed. + +"What are you in bed for?" asked his mother. + +"I went to the river to play, and I knew you would put me in bed, so I +didn't wait for you to come." + +"Did you say your prayers before you went to bed?" asked his mother. + +"No," said Willie. "You don't suppose God would be loafing around here +this time of day, do you? He's at the office." + + +Little Polly, coming in from her walk one morning, informed her mother +that she had seen a lion in the park. No amount of persuasion or +reasoning could make her vary her statement one hairbreadth. That night, +when she slipped down on her knees to say her prayers, her mother said, +"Polly, ask God to forgive you for that fib." + +Polly hid her face for a moment. Then she looked straight into her +mother's eyes, her own eyes shining like stars, and said, "I did ask +him, mamma, dearest, and he said, 'Don't mention it, Miss Polly; that +big yellow dog has often fooled me.'" + + +Prayer is the spirit speaking truth to Truth.--_Bailey_. + + + Pray to be perfect, though material leaven + Forbid the spirit so on earth to be; + But if for any wish thou darest not pray, + Then pray to God to cast that wish away. + + --_Hartley Coleridge_. + + +_See also_ Courage. + + + + +PREACHING + + +The services in the chapel of a certain western university are from time +to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many denominations and from +many cities. + +On one occasion, when one of these visiting divines asked the president +how long he should speak, that witty officer replied: + +"There is no limit, Doctor, upon the time you may preach; but I may tell +you that there is a tradition here that the most souls are saved during +the first twenty-five minutes." + + +One Sunday morning a certain young pastor in his first charge announced +nervously: + +"I will take for my text the words, 'And they fed five men with five +thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'" + +At this misquotation an old parishioner from his seat in the amen corner +said audibly: + +"That's no miracle--I could do it myself." + +The young preacher said nothing at the time, but the next Sunday he +announced the same text again. This time he got it right: + +"And they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and two +fishes." + +He waited a moment, and then, leaning over the pulpit and looking at the +amen corner, he said: + +"And could you do that, too, Mr. Smith?" + +"Of course I could," Mr. Smith replied. + +"And how would you do it?" said the preacher. + +"With what was left over from last Sunday," said Mr. Smith. + + +The late Bishop Foss once visited a Philadelphia physician for some +trifling ailment. "Do you, sir," the doctor asked, in the course of his +examination, "talk in your sleep?" + +"No sir," answered the bishop. "I talk in other people's. Aren't you +aware that I am a divine?" + + +"Yes, sir," said the irate man, "I got even with that clergyman. I +slurred him. Why, I hired one hundred people to attend his church and go +to sleep before he had preached five minutes." + + +A noted eastern Judge when visiting in the west went to church on +Sunday; which isn't so remarkable as the fact that he knew beforehand +that the preacher was exceedingly tedious and long winded to the last +degree. After the service the preacher met the Judge in the vestibule +and said: "Well, your Honor, how did you like the sermon?" + +"Oh, most wonderfully," replied the Judge. "It was like the peace of +God; for it passed all understanding, and, like His mercy, I thought it +would have endured forever." + + +The preacher's evening discourse was dry and long, and the congregation +gradually melted away. The sexton tiptoed up to the pulpit and slipped a +note under one corner of the Bible. It read: + +"When you are through, will you please turn off the lights, lock the +door, and put the key under the mat?" + + +The new minister's first sermon was very touching and created much +favorable comment among the members of the church. One morning, a few +days later, his nine-year-old son happened to be alone in the pastor's +study and with childish curiosity started to read through some papers on +the desk. They happened to be this identical sermon, but he was most +interested in the marginal notes. In one place in the margin were +written the words, "Cry a little." Further on in the discourse appeared +another marginal remark, "Cry a little more." On the next to the last +sheet the boy found his good father had penned another remark, "Cry like +thunder." + + +A young preacher, who was staying at a clergy-house, was in the habit of +retiring to his room for an hour or more each day to practice pulpit +oratory. At such times he filled the house with sounds of fervor and +pathos, and emptied it of almost everything else. Phillips Brooks +chanced to be visiting a friend in this house one day when the budding +orator was holding forth. + +"Gracious me!" exclaimed the Bishop, starting up in assumed terror, +"pray, what might that be?" + +"Sit down, Bishop," his friend replied. "That's only young D---- +practising what he preaches." + + +A distinguished theologian was invited to make an address before a +Sunday-school. The divine spoke for over an hour and his remarks were of +too deep a character for the average juvenile mind to comprehend. At the +conclusion, the superintendent, according to custom, requested some one +in the school to name an appropriate hymn to be sung. + +"Sing 'Revive Us Again,'" shouted a boy in the rear of the room. + + +A clergyman was once sent for in the middle of the night by one of his +woman parishioners. + +"Well, my good woman," said he, "so you are ill and require the +consolations of religion? What can I do for you?" + +"No," replied the old lady, "I am only nervous and can't sleep!" + +"But how can I help that?" said the parson. + +"Oh, sir, you always put me to sleep so nicely when I go to church that +I thought if you would only preach a little for me!" + + + I never see my rector's eyes; + He hides their light divine; + For when he prays, he shuts his own, + And when he preaches, mine. + + +A stranger entered the church in the middle of the sermon and seated +himself in the back pew. After a while he began to fidget. Leaning over +to the white-haired man at his side, evidently an old member of the +congregation, he whispered: + +"How long has he been preaching?" + +"Thirty or forty years, I think," the old man answered. + +"I'll stay then," decided the stranger. "He must be nearly done." + + +Once upon a time there was an Indian named Big Smoke, employed as a +missionary to his fellow Smokes. + +A white man encountering Big Smoke, asked him what he did for a living. + +"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me preach." + +"That so? What do you get for preaching?" + +"Me get ten dollars a year." + +"Well," said the white man, "that's damn poor pay." + +"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me damn poor preacher." + + +_See also_ Clergy. + + + + +PRESCRIPTIONS + + +After a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the suburbs +became ill, and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor, who wrote a +prescription after examining the patient. The doctor, upon departing, +said: "Just let your husband take that and you'll find he will be all +right in a short time." + +Next day the doctor called again, and the wife opened the door, her face +beaming with smiles. "Sure, that was a wonderful wee bit of paper you +left yesterday," she exclaimed. "William is better to-day." + +"I'm glad to hear that," said the much-pleased medical man. + +"Not but what I hadn't a big job to get him to swallow it." she +continued, "but, sure, I just wrapped up the wee bit of paper quite +small and put it in a spoonful of jam and William swallowed it +unbeknownst. By night he was entirely better." + + + + +PRESENCE OF MIND + + +"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to face?" + +"I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller, the +luggage-carriers, the dining-car waiters, and the sleeping-car porters +and borrowed a dollar from him." + + + + +PRINTERS + + +The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast "hoe," the +carpenter with his "rule," and the mason in "setting up tall columns"; +and he surpasses the lawyer and the doctor in attending to the "cases," +and beats the parson in the management of the devil. + + + + +PRISONS + + +A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was +given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced +him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond of +a smile, and feeling particularly good on that particular day, +considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around the cell +told him it was dirty, and not fit for a hog to be put in. One word +brought on another, till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he did +not behave himself he would put him out. To which the prisoner replied: +"I will give you to understand, sir, I have as good a right here as you +have!" + + +SHERIFF--"That fellow who just left jail is going to be arrested again +soon." + +"How do you know?" + +SHERIFF--"He chopped my wood, carried the water, and mended my socks. I +can't get along without him." + + + + +PRODIGALS + + +"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and weep?" + +"Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort' it." + + + + +PROFANITY + + +THE RECTOR--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word +an oath." + +THE MAN--"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we +don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it." + + +FIRST DEAF MUTE--"He wasn't so very angry, was he?" + +SECOND DEAF MUTE--"He was so wild that the words he used almost +blistered his fingers." + + +The little daughter of a clergyman stubbed her toe and said, "Darn!" + +"I'll give you ten cents," said father, "if you'll never say that word +again." + +A few days afterward she came to him and said: "Papa, I've got a word +worth half a dollar." + + +Very frequently the winter highways of the Yukon valley are mere trails, +traversed only by dog-sledges. One of the bishops in Alaska, who was +very fond of that mode of travel, encountered a miner coming out with +his dog-team, and stopped to ask him what kind of a road he had come +over. + +The miner responded with a stream of forcible and picturesque profanity, +winding up with: + +"And what kind o' trail did you have?" + +"Same as yours," replied the bishop feelingly.--_Elgin Burroughs_. + + + A scrupulous priest of Kildare, + Used to pay a rude peasant to swear, + Who would paint the air blue, + For an hour or two, + While his reverence wrestled in prayer. + + +Donald and Jeanie were putting down a carpet. Donald slammed the end of +his thumb with the hammer and began to pour forth his soul in language +befitting the occasion. + +"Donald, Donald!" shrieked Jeanie, horrified. "Dinna swear that way!" + +"Wummun!" vociferated Donald; "gin ye know ony better way, now is the +time to let me know it!" + + +"It is not always necessary to make a direct accusation," said the +lawyer who was asking damages because insinuations had been made against +his client's good name. "You may have heard of the woman who called to +the hired girl, 'Mary, Mary. come here and take the parrot +downstairs--the master has dropped his collar button!'" + + +Little Bartholomew's mother overheard him swearing like a mule-driver. +He displayed a fluency that overwhelmed her. She took him to task, +explaining the wickedness of profanity as well as its vulgarity. She +asked where he had learned all those dreadful words. Bartholomew +announced that Cavert, one of his playmates, had taught him. + +Cavert's mother was straightway informed and Cavert was brought to book. +He vigorously denied having instructed Bartholomew, and neither threats +nor tears could make him confess. At last he burst out: + +"I didn't tell Bartholomew any cuss words. Why should I know how to cuss +any better than he does? Hasn't his father got an automobile, too?" + + +They were in Italy together. + +"If you would let me curse them black and blue," said the groom, "we +shouldn't have to wait so long for the trunks." + +"But, darling, please don't. It would distress me so," murmured the +bride. + +The groom went off, but quickly returned with the porters before him +trundling the trunks at a double quick. + +"Oh, dearest, how did you do it? You didn't--?" + +"Not at all. I thought of something that did quite as well. I said, +'_S-s-s-susquehanna, R-r-r-rappahannock!'"--Cornelia C. Ward_. + + +A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty +words about a motorcar. She submitted the following: + +"My uncle bought a motorcar. He was riding in the country when it busted +up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are +what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not +fit for publication." + + +The ashman was raising a can of ashes above his head to dump the +contents into his cart, when the bottom of the can came out. Ethel saw +it and ran in and told her mother. + +"I hope you didn't listen to what he said," the mother remarked. + +"He didn't say a word to me," replied the little girl; "he just walked +right off by the side of his cart, talking to God." + + +A young man entered the jeweler's store and bought a ring, which he +ordered engraved. The jeweler asked what name. + +"George Osborne to Harriet Lewis, but I prefer only the initials, G.O. +to H.L." + + +For it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent +sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof +itself would have earned him.--_Shakespeare_. + + + + +PROHIBITION + + +"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth, Kansas?" +asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No? Well, that's a +dry town for you, all right." + +"They can't sell liquor at all there?" asked one of the men. + +"Only if you had been bitten by a snake," said the drummer. "They have +only one snake in town, and when I got to it the other day after +standing in line for nearly half a day it was too tired to bite." + + +It was prohibition country. As soon as the train pulled up, a seedy +little man with a covered basket on his arm hurried to the open windows +of the smoker and exhibited a quart bottle filled with rich, dark fluid. + +"Want to buy some nice cold tea?" he asked, with just the suspicion of a +wink. + +Two thirsty-looking cattlemen brightened visibly, and each paid a dollar +for a bottle. + +"Wait until you get outer the station before you take a drink," the +little man cautioned them. "I don't wanter get in trouble." + +He found three other customers before the train pulled out, in each case +repeating his warning. + +"You seem to be doing a pretty good business," remarked a man who had +watched it all. "But I don't see why you'd run any more risk of getting +in trouble if they took a drink before the train started." + +"Ye don't, hey? Well, what them bottles had in 'em, pardner, was real +cold tea." + + + + +PROMOTING + + +Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the British +North Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was approached with +a view to floating a rubber company. His friend was quite ready. "How +many trees have you?" he asked. "We have not got any trees," was the +answer. "How much land have you?" "We have no land." "What then have you +got?" "I have a bag of seeds!" + + +There are many tales about the caution of Russell Sage and the +cleverness with which he outwitted those who sought to get some of his +money from him. Two brilliant promoters went to him one time and +presented a scheme. The financier listened for an hour, and when they +departed they were told that Mr. Sage's decision would be mailed to them +in a few days. + +"I think we have got Uncle Russell," said one of the promoters. "I +really believe we have won his confidence." + +"I fear not," observed the other doubtfully. "He is too suspicious." + +"Suspicious? I didn't observe any sign of it." + +"Didn't you notice that he counted his fingers after I had shaken hands +with him and we were coming away?" + + + + +PROMOTION + + +Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from the +cemetery.--_Edward Sanford Martin_. + + + + +PROMPTNESS + + +"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?" + +"First out of the building when the bell rings." + + +The head of a large business house bought a number of those "Do it now" +signs and hung them up around his offices. When, after the first few +days of those signs, the business man counted up the results, he found +that the cashier had skipped out with $20,000, the head bookkeeper had +eloped with the stenographer, three clerks had asked for a raise in +salary, and the office boy had lit out for the west to become a +highwayman. + + +"Are you waiting for me, dear?" she said, coming downstairs at last, +after spending half an hour fixing her hat. + +"Waiting," exclaimed the impatient man. "Oh no, not +waiting--sojourning." + + + + +PRONUNCIATION + + +A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the use of +words, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what he was +saying. On one occasion, in the course of an eloquent prayer, he +pleaded: + +"O Lord! waken thy cause in the hearts of this congregation and give +them new eyes to see and new impulse to do. Send down Thy lev-er or +lee-ver, according to Webster's or Worcester's dictionary, whichever +Thou usest, and pry them into activity." + + +"I'm at the head of my class, pa," said Willie. + +"Dear me, son, how did that happen?" cried his father. + +"Why, the teacher asked us this morning how to pronounce +C-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a, and nobody knew," said Willie, "but when she got down +to me I sneezed and she said that was right." + + +_See also_ Liars. + + + + +PROPORTION + + +A middle-aged colored woman in a Georgia village, hearing a commotion in +a neighbor's cabin, looked in at the door. On the floor lay a small boy +writhing in great distress while his mother bent solicitously over him. + +"What-all's de matter wif de chile?" asked the visitor sympathetically. + +"I spec's hit's too much watermillion," responded the mother. + +"Ho! go 'long wif you," protested the visitor scornfully. "Dey cyan't +never be too much watermillion. Hit mus' be dat dere ain't enough boy." + + + + +PROPOSALS + + +A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of proposal +asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a young man should +propose to a girl on his knees. + +"If he doesn't," replied his friend, "the girl should get off." + + +A gentleman who had been in Chicago only three days, but who had been +paying attention to a prominent Chicago belle, wanted to propose, but +was afraid he would be thought too hasty. He delicately broached the +subject as follows: "If I were to speak to you of marriage, after having +only made your acquaintance three days ago, what would you say of it?" + +"Well, I should say, never put off till tomorrow that which should have +been done the day before yesterday." + + + There was a young man from the West, + Who proposed to the girl he loved best, + But so closely he pressed her + To make her say, yes, sir, + That he broke two cigars in his vest. + + --_The Tobacconist_. + + +They were dining on fowl in a restaurant. "You see," he explained, as he +showed her the wishbone, "you take hold here. Then we must both make a +wish and pull, and when it breaks the one who has the bigger part of it +will have his or her wish granted." "But I don't know what to wish for," +she protested. "Oh! you can think of something," he said. "No, I can't," +she replied; "I can't think of anything I want very much." "Well, I'll +wish for you," he explained. "Will you, really?" she asked. "Yes." +"Well, then there's no use fooling with the old wishbone," she +interrupted with a glad smile, "you can have me." + + +"Dear May," wrote the young man, "pardon me, but I'm getting so +forgetful. I proposed to you last night, but really forget whether you +said yes or no." + +"Dear Will," she replied by note, "so glad to hear from you. I know I +said 'no' to some one last night, but I had forgotten just who it was." + + +The four Gerton girls were all good-looking; indeed, the three younger +ones were beautiful; while Annie, the oldest, easily made up in +capability and horse sense what she lacked in looks. + +A young chap, very eligible, called on the girls frequently, but seemed +unable to decide which to marry. So Annie put on her thinking cap, and, +one evening when the young chap called, she appeared with her pretty +arms bare to the elbow and her hands white with flour. + +"Oh, you must excuse my appearance," she said. "I have been working in +the kitchen all day. I baked bread and pies and cake this morning, and +afterward, as the cook was ill, I prepared dinner." + +"Miss Annie, is that so?" said the young man. He looked at her, deeply +impressed. Then, after a moment's thought, he said: + +"Miss Annie, there is a question I wish to ask you, and on your answer +will depend much of my life's happiness." + +"Yes?" she said, with a blush, and she drew a little nearer. "Yes? What +is it?" + +"Miss Annie," said the young man, in deep earnest tones, "I am thinking +of proposing to your sister Kate--will you make your home with us?" + + +It was at Christmas, and he had been calling on her twice a week for six +months, but had not proposed. + +"Ethel," he said, "I--er--am going to ask you an important question." + +"Oh, George," she exclaimed, "this is so sudden! Why, I--" + +"No, excuse me," he interrupted; "what I want to ask is this: What date +have you and your mother decided upon for our wedding?" + + +A Scotch beadle led the maiden of his choice to a churchyard and, +pointing to the various headstones, said: + +"My folks are all buried there, Jennie. Wad ye like to be buried there +too?" + + +IMPECUNIOUS LOVER--"Be mine, Amanda, and you will be treated like an +angel." + +WEALTHY MAIDEN--"Yes, I suppose so. Nothing to eat, and less to wear. +No, thank you." + + +The surest way to hit a woman's heart is to take aim kneeling.--_Douglas +Jerrold_. + + + + +PROPRIETY + + + There was a young lady of Wilts, + Who walked up to Scotland on stilts; + When they said it was shocking + To show so much stocking, + She answered: "Then what about kilts?" + + --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. + + + + +PROSPERITY + + + May bad fortune follow you all your days + And never catch up with you. + + + + +PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH + +One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusing +story. + +A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some +very young kittens to passers-by. One day he accosted the +late Reverend Phillips Brooks, asking him to purchase, and +recommending them as good Episcopal kittens. Dr. Brooks +laughingly refused, thinking them too small to be taken from +their mother. A few days later a Presbyterian minister who +had witnessed this episode was asked by the same boy to buy the +same kittens. This time the lad announced that they were faithful +Presbyterians. + +"Didn't you tell Dr. Brooks last week that they were Episcopal +kittens?" the minister asked sternly. + +"Yes sir," replied the boy quickly, "but they's had their eyes +opened since then, sir." + + +An Episcopal clergyman who was passing his vacation in +a remote country district met an old farmer who declared that +he was a "'Piscopal." + +"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman. + +"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish," was the answer. + +"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question. + +"Nobody," answered the farmer. + +"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman. + +"Well," was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winter +I went to church, an' it was called 'Piscopal, an' I heerd them +say that they left undone the things what they'd oughter done +and they'd done some things what they oughtenter done, and I +says to myself says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly,' and ever sence +then I've been a 'Piscopalian." + + + + +PROTESTANTS + + +A Protestant mission meeting had been held in an Irish town and this +was the gardener's contribution to the controversy that ensued: +"Pratestants!" he said with lofty scorn, "'Twas mighty little St. Paul +thought of the Pratestants. You've all heard tell of the 'pistle he +wrote to the Romans, but I'd ax ye this, did any of yez iver hear of +his writing a 'pistle to the Pratestants?" + + + + +PROVIDENCE + + +"Why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a thousand +dollars, Mama?" + +"It was God's will, dear." + +"And was it because God was mad at papa or pleased with the +doctor?"--_Life_. + + +There's a certain minister whose duties sometimes call him out of the +city. He has always arranged for some one of his parishioners to keep +company with his wife and little daughter during these absences. +Recently, however, he was called away so suddenly that he had no +opportunity of providing a guardian. + +The wife was very brave during the early evening, but after dark had +fallen her courage began to fail. She stayed up with her little girl +till there was no excuse for staying any longer and then took her +upstairs to bed. + +"Now go to sleep, Dearie," she said. "Don't be afraid. God will +protect you." + +"Yes, Mother," answered the little girl, "that'll be all right +tonight, but next time let's make better arrangements." + + + + +PROVINCIALISM + + +Some time ago an English friend of Colonel W.J. Lampton's living in +New York and having never visited the South, went to Virginia to spend +a month with friends. After a fortnight of it, he wrote back: + +"Oh, I say, old top, you never told me that the South was anything +like I have found it, and so different to the North. Why, man, it's +God's country." + +The Colonel, who gets his title from Kentucky, answered promptly by +postal. + +"Of course it is," he wrote. "You didn't suppose God was a Yankee, did +you?" + + +A southerner, with the intense love for his own district, attended a +banquet. The next day a friend asked him who was present. With a +reminiscent smile he replied: "An elegant gentleman from Virginia, a +gentleman from Kentucky, a man from Ohio, a bounder from Chicago, a +fellow from New York, and a galoot from Maine." + +They had driven fourteen miles to the lake, and then rowed six miles +across the lake to get to the railroad station, when the Chicago man +asked: + +"How in the world do you get your mail and newspapers here in the +winter when the storms are on?" + +"Wa-al, we don't sometimes. I've seen this lake thick up so that it +was three weeks before we got a Chicago paper," answered the man from +"nowhere." + +"Well, you were cut off," said the Chicago man. + +"Ya-as, we were so," was the reply. "Still, the Chicago folks were +just as badly off." + +"How so?" + +"Wa-al," drawled the man, "we didn't know what was going on in +Chicago, of course. But then, neither did Chicago folks know what was +going on down here." + + + + +PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS + + +The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the witness +belonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to the court. + +"The court sees no harm in the question," answered the judge. "You may +answer." + +"Well, I belong to three." + +"What are they?" + +"The Knights of Pythias, the Odd Fellows, and the gas company." + + +"Yes, he had some rare trouble with his eyes," said the celebrated +oculist. "Every time he went to read he would read double." + +"Poor fellow," remarked the sympathetic person. "I suppose that +interfered with his holding a good position?" + +"Not at all. The gas company gobbled him up and gave him a lucrative +job reading gas-meters." + + + + +PUBLIC SPEAKERS + + +ORATOR--"I thought your paper was friendly to me?" + +EDITOR--"So it is. What's the matter?" + +ORATOR--"I made a speech at the dinner last night, and you didn't +print a line of it." + +EDITOR--"Well, what further proof do you want?" + + +TRAVELING LECTURER FOR SOCIETY (to the remaining listener)--"I should +like to thank you, sir, for so attentively hearing me to the end of a +rather too long speech." + +LOCAL MEMBER OF SOCIETY--"Not at all, sir. I'm the second speaker." + + +Ex-senator Spooner of Wisconsin says the best speech of introduction +he ever heard was delivered by the German mayor of a small town in +Wisconsin, where Spooner had been engaged to speak. + +The mayor said: + +"Ladies und shentlemens, I haf been asked to indrotoose you to the +Honorable Senator Spooner, who vill make to you a speech, yes. I haf +now done so; he vill now do so." + + +"When I arose to speak," related a martyred statesman, "some one +hurled a base, cowardly egg at me and it struck me in the chest." + +"And what kind of an egg might that be?" asked a fresh young man. + +"A base, cowardly egg," explained the statesman, "is one that hits you +and then runs." + + +"Uncle Joe" Cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is sometimes +embarrassing to others. On one occasion an inexperienced young fellow +was called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which ex-speaker +Cannon was also present. + +"Gentlemen," began the young fellow, "my opinion is that the +generality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of the +generality of--" + +"Sit down, son," interrupted "Uncle Joe." "You are coming out of the +same hole you went in at." + + +A South African tribe has an effective method of dealing with bores, +which might be adopted by Western peoples. This simple tribe considers +long speeches injurious to the orator and his hearers; so to protect +both there is an unwritten law that every public orator must stand on +only one leg when he is addressing an audience. As soon as he has to +place the other leg on the ground his oration is brought to a close, +by main force, if necessary. + + +A rather turgid orator, noted for his verbosity and heaviness, was +once assigned to do some campaigning in a mining camp in the +mountains. There were about fifty miners present when he began; but +when, at the end of a couple of hours, he gave no sign of finishing, +his listeners dropped away. + +Some went back to work, but the majority sought places to quench their +thirst, which had been aggravated by the dryness of the discourse. + +Finally there was only one auditor left, a dilapidated, weary-looking +old fellow. Fixing his gaze on him, the orator pulled out a large +six-shooter and laid it on the table. The old fellow rose slowly and +drawled out: + +"Be you going to shoot if I go?" + +"You bet I am," replied the speaker. "I'm bound to finish my speech, +even if I have to shoot to keep an audience." + +The old fellow sighed in a tired manner, and edged slowly away, saying +as he did so: + +"Well, shoot if you want to. I may jest as well be shot as talked to +death." + + +The self-made millionaire who had endowed the school had been invited +to make the opening speech at the commencement exercises. He had not +often had a chance of speaking before the public and he was resolved +to make the most of it. He dragged his address out most tiresomely, +repeating the same thought over and over. Unable to stand it any +longer a couple of boys in the rear of the room slipped out. A +coachman who was waiting outside asked them if the millionaire had +finished his speech. + +"Gee, yes!" replied the boys, "but he won't stop." + + +Mark Twain once told this story: + +"Some years ago in Hartford, we all went to church one hot, sweltering +night to hear the annual report of Mr. Hawley, a city missionary who +went around finding people who needed help and didn't want to ask for +it. He told of the life in cellars, where poverty resided; he gave +instances of the heroism and devotion of the poor. When a man with +millions gives, he said, we make a great deal of noise. It's a noise +in the wrong place, for it's the widow's mite that counts. Well, +Hawley worked me up to a great pitch. I could hardly wait for him to +get through. I had $400 in my pocket. I wanted to give that and borrow +more to give. You could see greenbacks in every eye. But instead of +passing the plate then, he kept on talking and talking and talking, +and as he talked it grew hotter and hotter and hotter, and we grew +sleepier and sleepier and sleepier. My enthusiasm went down, down, +down, down--$100 at a clip--until finally, when the plate did come +around, I stole ten cents out of it. It all goes to show how a little +thing like this can lead to crime." + + +_See also_ After dinner speeches; Candidates; Politicians. + + + + +PUNISHMENT + + +A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the +teacher: + + "Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home + except in self-defense." + + +"No, sirree!" ejaculated Bunkerton. "There wasn't any of that nonsense +in my family. My father never thrashed me in all his life." + +"Too bad, too bad," sighed Hickenlooper. "Another wreck due to a +misplaced switch." + + +James the Second, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton, the poet, +and asked him among other things, if he did not think the loss of his +sight a judgment upon him for what he had writen against his father, +Charles the First. Milton answered: "If your Highness think my loss of +sight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losing +his head."--_Life_. + + +A white man during reconstruction times was arraigned before a colored +justice of the peace for killing a man and stealing his mule. It was +in Arkansas, near the Texas border, and there was some rivalry between +the states, but the colored justice tried to preserve an impartial +frame of mind. + +"We's got two kinds ob law in dis yer co't," he said: "Texas law an' +Arkansas law. Which will you hab?" + +The prisoner thought a minute and then guessed that he would take the +Arkansas law. + +"Den I discharge you fo' stealin' de mule, an' hang you fo' killin' de +man." + +"Hold on a minute, Judge," said the prisoner. "Better make that Texas +law." + +"All right. Den I fin' you fo' killin' de man, an' hang you fo' +stealin' de mule." + + +A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the +court: + +"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at +all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm +and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is not +himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for +an offense committed by only one of his limbs." + +"That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it +logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. +He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." + +The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed his +cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out. + + +Muriel, a five-year-old subject of King George, has been thought by +her parents too young to feel the weight of the rod, and has been +ruled by moral suasion alone. But when, the other day, she achieved +disobedience three times in five minutes, more vigorous measures were +called for, and her mother took an ivory paper-knife from the table +and struck her smartly across her little bare legs. Muriel looked +astounded. Her mother explained the reason for the blow. Muriel +thought deeply for a moment. Then, turning toward the door with a +grave and disapproving countenance, she announced in her clear little +English voice: + +"I'm going up-stairs to tell God about that paper-knife. And then I +shall tell Jesus. And if _that_ doesn't do, I shall put flannel on my +legs!" + + +During the reconstruction days of Virginia, a negro was convicted of +murdering his wife and sentenced to be hanged. On the morning of the +execution he mounted the scaffold with reasonable calmness. Just +before the noose was to be placed around his neck the sheriff asked +him if he had anything to say. He studied a moment and said: + +"No, suh, boss, thankee, suh, 'ceptin' dis is sho gwine to be a lesson +to me." + + +"What punishment did that defaulting banker get?" "I understand his +lawyer charged him $40,000." + + +An Indian in Washington County once sized up Maine's game laws thus: +"Kill cow moose, pay $100; kill man, too bad!" + + +TEACHER--"Willie, did your father cane you for what you did in school +yesterday?" + +PUPIL--"No, ma'am; he said the licking would hurt him more than it +would me." + +TEACHER--"What rot! Your father is too sympathetic." + +PUPIL--"No, ma'am; but he's got the rheumatism in both arms." + + +"Boohoo! Boohoo!" wailed little Johnny. + +"Why, what's the matter, dear?" his mother asked comfortingly. + +"Boohoo--er--p-picture fell on papa's toes." + +"Well, dear, that's too bad, but you mustn't cry about it, you know." + +"I d-d-didn't. I laughed. Boohoo! Boohoo!" + + +The fact that corporal punishment is discouraged in the public schools +of Chicago is what led Bobby's teacher to address this note to the +boy's mother: + + DEAR MADAM:--I regret very much to have to tell you that your + son, Robert, idles away his time, is disobedient, quarrelsome, + and disturbs the pupils who are trying to study their lessons. + He needs a good whipping and I strongly recommend that you + give him one. + + Yours truly, + + Miss Blank. + +To this Bobby's mother responded as follows: + + Dear Miss Blanks--Lick him yourself. I ain't mad at him. + + Yours truly, + + Mrs. Dash. + + +A little fellow who was being subjected to a whipping pinched his +father under the knee. "Willie, you bad boy! How dare you do that?" +asked the parent wrathfully. + +A pause. Then Willie answered between sobs: "Well, Father, who started +this war, anyway?" + + +A little girl about three years old was sent upstairs and told to sit +on a certain chair that was in the corner of her room, as a punishment +for something she had done but a few minutes before. + +Soon the silence was broken by the little one's question: "Mother, may +I come down now?" + +"No, you sit right where you are." + +"All right, 'cause I'm sittin' on your best hat." + + +It is less to suffer punishment than to deserve it.--_Ovid_. + + +If Jupiter hurled his thunderbolt as often as men sinned, he would +soon be out of thunderbolts.--_Ovid_. + + +_See also_ Church discipline; Future life; Marriage. + + + + +PUNS + + + A father once said to his son, + "The next time you make up a pun, + Go out in the yard + And kick yourself hard, + And I will begin when you've done." + + + + +PURE FOOD + + +Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a darky +complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not good. + +"The ham is all right, Zeph," insisted the storekeeper. + +"No, it ain't, boss," insisted the negro. "Dat ham's shore bad." + +"How can that be," continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured only a +week?" + +The darky scratched his head reflectively, and finally suggested: "Den, +mebbe it's had a relapse." + + +On a recent trip to Germany, Doctor Harvey Wiley, the pure-food expert, +heard an allegory with reference to the subject of food adulteration +which, he contends, should cause Americans to congratulate themselves +that things are so well ordered in this respect in the United States. + +The German allegory was substantially as follows: + +Four flies, which had made their way into a certain pantry, determined +to have a feast. + +One flew to the sugar and ate heartily; but soon died, for the sugar was +full of white lead. + +The second chose the flour as his diet, but he fared no better, for the +flour was loaded with plaster of Paris. + +The third sampled the syrup, but his six legs were presently raised in +the air, for the syrup was colored with aniline dyes. + +The fourth fly, seeing all his friends dead, determined to end his life +also, and drank deeply of the fly-poison which he found in a convenient +saucer. + +He is still alive and in good health. That, too, was adulterated. + + + + +QUARRELS + + +"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the would-be +cook. + +"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master an' +the missus used to quarrel, mum." + +"Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?" + +"Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her." + + +"I hear ye had words with Casey." + +"We had no words." + +"Then nothing passed between ye?" + +"Nothing but one brick." + + +There had been a wordy falling-out between Mrs. Halloran and Mrs. +Donohue; there had been words; nay, more, there had been language. Mrs. +Halloran had gone to church early in the morning, had fulfilled the +duties of her religion, and was returning primly home, when Mrs. Donohue +spied her, and, still smouldering with volcanic fire, sent a broadside +of lava at Mrs. Halloran. The latter heard, flushed, opened her +lips--and then suddenly checked herself. After a moment she spoke: "Mrs. +Donohue, I've just been to church, and I'm in a state of grace. But, +plaze Hivin, the next time I meet yez, I won't be, and thin I'll till +yez what I think of yez!" + + +A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party: there is no +battle unless there be two.--_Seneca_. + + +_See also_ Marriage; Servants + + + + +QUESTIONS + + +The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she +remembers.--_Wasp_. + + +It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the twelve-twenty +train got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one. The ensuing +handicap was watched with absorbed interest both from the train and the +station platform. At its conclusion the breathless and perspiring knight +of the road wearily took the back trail, and a vacant-faced "red-cap" +came out to relieve him of his grip. + +"Mister," he inquired, "was you tryin' to ketch that Pennsylvania +train?" + +"No, my son," replied the patient man. "No; I was merely chasing it out +of the yard." + + +A party of young men were camping, and to avert annoying questions they +made it a rule that the one who asked a question that he could not +answer himself had to do the cooking. + +One evening, while sitting around the fire, one of the boys asked: "Why +is it that a ground-squirrel never leaves any dirt at the mouth of its +burrow?" + +They all guessed and missed. So he was asked to answer it himself. + +"Why," he said, "because it always begins to dig at the other end of the +hole." + +"But," one asked, "how does it get to the other end of the hole?" + +"Well," was the reply, "that's your question." + + +A browbeating lawyer was demanding that a witness answer a certain +question either in the negative or affirmative. + +"I cannot do it," said the witness. "There are some questions that +cannot be answered by a 'yes' or a 'no,' as any one knows." + +"I defy you to give an example to the court," thundered the lawyer. + +The retort came like a flash: "Are you still beating your wife?" + + +Officers have a right to ask questions in the performance of their duty, +but there are occasions when it seems as if they might curtail or forego +the privilege. Not long ago an Irishman whose hand had been badly +mangled in an accident entered the Boston City Hospital relief station +in a great hurry. He stepped up to the man in charge and inquired: + +"Is this the relief station, sor?" + +"Yes. What is your name?" + +"Patrick O'Connor, sor." + +"Are you married?" questioned the officer. + +"Yis, sor, but is this the relief station?" He was nursing his hand in +agony. + +"Of course it is. How many children have you?" + +"Eight, sor. But sure, this is the relief station?" + +"Yes, it is," replied the officer, a little angry at the man's +persistence. + +"Well," said Patrick, "sure, an' I was beginning to think that it might +be the pumping station." + + + The sages say, Dame Truth delights to dwell + (Strange Mansion!) in the bottom of a well: + Questions are then the Windlass and the rope + That pull the grave old Gentlewoman up. + + --_John Wolcott_. + + +_See also_ Curiosity. + + + + +QUOTATIONS + + +Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause to be +anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to telegraph the +result. The boy sent the following message to his parent: "Hymn 342, +fifth verse, last two lines." + +Looking it up the father found the words: "Sorrow vanquished, labor +ended, Jordan passed." + + + + +RACE PREJUDICES + + +A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by the +recital of a dream had by a member of the church. + +"I was a-dreamin' all dis time," said the narrator, "dat I was in ole +Satan's dominions. I tell you, pahson, dat was shore a bad dream!" + +"Was dere any white men dere?" asked the dusky divine. + +"Shore dere was--plenty of 'em," the other hastened to assure his +minister "What was dey a-doin'?" + +"Ebery one of 'em," was the answer, "was a-holdin' a cullud pusson +between him an' de fire!" + + + + +RACE PRIDE + + +Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in Huntsville, +Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one of the services an +old negro woman pushed her way up through the crowd to the edge of the +pulpit platform. Sam took the perspiring black hand that was held out to +him, and heard the old woman say: "Brudder Jones, you sho' is a fine +preacher! Yes, suh; de Lord bless you. You's des everybody's preacher. +You's de white folks' preacher, and de niggers' preacher, and +everybody's preacher. Brudder Jones, yo' skin's white, but, thank de +Lord, yo' heart's des as black as any nigger's!" + + +An Irishman and a Jew were discussing the great men who had belonged to +each race and, as may be expected, got into a heated argument. Finally +the Irishman said: + +"Ikey, listen. For ivery great Jew ye can name ye may pull out one of me +whiskers, an' for ivery great Irishman I can name I'll pull one of +yours. Is it a go?" + +They consented, and Pat reached over, got hold of a whisker, said, +"Robert Emmet,' and pulled. + +"Moses!" said the Jew, and pulled one of Pat's tenderest. + +"Dan O'Connell," said Pat and took another. + +"Abraham," said Ikey, helping himself again. + +"Patrick Henry," returned Pat with a vicious yank. + +"The Twelve Apostles," said the Jew, taking a handful of whiskers. + +Pat emitted a roar of pain, grasped the Jew's beard with both hands, and +yelled, "The ancient Order of Hibernians!" + + + + +RACE SUICIDE + + +"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?" + +"Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent me a +flat." + +"Well, that is his privilege." + +"But, your Honor, he calls his apartment house 'The Roosevelt.'" + + + + +RACES + + +In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of mankind?" a +Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, the quartermile, +the mile, and the three miles." + + +"Now, Thomas," said the foreman of the construction gang to a green hand +who had just been put on the job, "keep your eyes open. When you see a +train coming throw down your tools and jump off the track. Run like +blazes." + +"Sure!" said Thomas, and began to swing his pick. In a few moments the +Empire State Express came whirling along. Thomas threw down his pick and +started up the track ahead of the train as fast as he could run. The +train overtook him and tossed him into a ditch. Badly shaken up he was +taken to the hospital, where the foreman visited him. + +"You blithering idiot," said the foreman, "didn't I tell you to get out +of the road? Didn't I tell you to take care and get out of the way? Why +didn't you run up the side of the hill?" + +"Up the soide of the hill is it, sor?" said Thomas through the bandages +on his face. "Up the soide of the hill? Be the powers, I couldn't bate +it on the level, let alone runnin' uphill!" + + + + +RAILROADS + + +"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey, "des look +at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de state, ter dem +folks 'way up North what never done nuthin' ter deserve sich a +dispensation!" + + +On one of the southern railroads there is a station-building that is +commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station in America. +It is of this station that the story is told that an old farmer was +expecting a chicken-house to arrive there, and he sent one of his hands, +a new-comer, to fetch it. Arriving there the man saw the house, loaded +it on to his wagon and started for home. On the way he met a man in +uniform with the words "Station Agent" on his cap. + +"Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?" he asked. + +"My chicken-house, of course," was the reply. + +"Chicken-house be jiggered!" exploded the official. "That's the +station!" + + +"I read of the terrible vengeance inflicted upon one of their members by +a band of robbers in Mississippi last week." + +"What did they do? Shoot him?" + +"No; they tied him upon the railroad tracks." + +"Awful! And he was ground to pieces, I suppose?" + +"Nothing like it. The poor fellow starved to death waiting for the next +train."--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_. + + +The reporter who had accompanied the special train to the scene of the +wreck, hurried down the embankment and found a man who had one arm in a +sling, a bandage over one eye, his front teeth gone, and his nose +knocked four points to starboard, sitting on a piece of the locomotive +and surveying the horrible ruin all about him. + +"Can you give me some particulars of this accident?" asked the reporter, +taking out his notebook. + +"I haven't heard of any accident, young man," replied the disfigured +party stiffly. + +He was one of the directors of the railroad. + + +The Hon. John Sharp Williams had an engagement to speak in a small +southern town. The train he was traveling on was not of the swiftest, +and he lost no opportunity of keeping the conductor informed as to his +opinions of that particular road. + +"Well, if yer don't like it," the conductor finally blurted out, "why in +thunder don't yer git out an' walk?" + +"I would," Mr. Williams blandly replied, "but you see the committee +doesn't expect me until this train gets in." + + +"We were bounding along," said a recent traveler on a local South +African single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven miles an hour, +and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected every moment to see +my bones protruding through my skin. Passengers were rolling from one +end of the car to the other. I held on firmly to the arms of the seat. +Presently we settled down a bit quieter; at least, I could keep my hat +on, and my teeth didn't chatter. + +"There was a quiet looking man opposite me. I looked up with a ghastly +smile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said: + +"'We are going a bit smoother, I see.' + +"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now.'" + + +Three men were talking in rather a large way as to the excellent train +service each had in his special locality: one was from the west, one +from New England, and the other from New York. The former two had told +of marvelous doings of trains, and it is distinctly "up" to the man from +New York. + +"Now in New York," he said, "we not only run our trains fast, but we +also start them fast. I remember the case of a friend of mine whose wife +went to see him off for the west on the Pennsylvania at Jersey City. As +the train was about to start my friend said his final good-by to his +wife, and leaned down from the car platform to kiss her. The train +started, and, would you believe it, my friend found himself kissing a +strange woman on the platform at Trenton!" + +And the other men gave it up. + + +"Say, young man," asked an old lady at the ticket-office, "what time +does the next train pull in here and how long does it stay?" + +"From two to two to two-two," was the curt reply. + +"Well, I declare! Be you the whistle?" + + +An express on the Long Island Railroad was tearing away at a wild and +awe-inspiring rate of six miles an hour, when all of a sudden it stopped +altogether. Most of the passengers did not notice the difference; but +one of them happened to be somewhat anxious to reach his destination +before old age claimed him for its own. He put his head through the +window to find that the cause of the stop was a cow on the track. After +a while they continued the journey for half an hour or so, and +then--another stop. + +"What's wrong now?" asked the impatient passenger of the conductor. + +"A cow on the track." + +"But I thought you drove it off." + +"So we did," said the conductor, "but we caught up with it again." + + +The president of one great southern railway pulled into a southern city +in his private car. It was also the terminal of a competing road, and +the private car of the president of the other line was on a side track. +There was great rivalry between these two lines, which extended from the +president of each down to the most humble employe. In the evening the +colored cook from one of the cars wandered over to pass the time of day +with the cook on the other car. + +One of these roads had recently had an appalling list of accidents, and +the death-toll was exceptionally high. The cook from this road sauntered +up to the back platform of the private car, and after an interchange of +courtesies said: + +"Well, how am youh ole jerkwatah railroad these days? Am you habbing +prosper's times?" + +"Man," said the other, "we-all am so prosperous that if we was any moah +prosperous we just naturally couldn't stand hit." + +"Hough!" said the other, "we-all am moah prosperous than you-all." + +"Man," said the other, "we dun carry moah'n a million passengers last +month." + +"Foah de Lord's sake!" ejaculated the first negro. "You-all carried +moah'n a million passengers? Go on with you, nigger; we dun kill moah +passengers than you carry." + + +It was on a little branch railway in a southern state that the New +England woman ventured to refer to the high rates. + +"It seems to me five cents a mile is extortion," she said, with +frankness, to her southern cousin. + +"It's a big lot of money to pay if you think of it by the mile," said +the southerner, in her soft drawl; "but you just think how cheap it is +by the hour, Cousin Annie--only about thirty-five cents."--_Youth's +Companion_. + + + + +RAPID TRANSIT + + +One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was walking +down a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of ice under the +snow caused him to lose control of his feet; he began to slide and was +unable to stop. + +At a cross-street half-way down the decline he encountered a large, +heavy woman, with her arms full of bundles. The meeting was sudden, and +before either realized it a collision ensued and both were sliding down +hill, a grand ensemble--the thin man underneath, the fat woman and +bundles on top. When the bottom was reached and the woman was trying in +vain to recover her breath and her feet, these faint words were borne to +her ear: + +"Pardon me, madam, but you will have to get off here. This is as far as +I go." + + + + +READING + + +_See_ Books and Reading. + + + + +REAL ESTATE AGENTS + + +Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib." + +ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a lie." + +NELLY--"No, it is not." + +ANITA--"Yes, it is, because my father said so, and my father is a +professor at the university." + +NELLY--"I don't care if he is. My father is a real estate man, and he +knows more about lying than your father does." + + + + +REALISM + + +The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole Olson, +who later became the little town's mayor. + +"One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless, and +breathless, come rushin' into the store, an' droppin' on his knees +yelled, 'Yon, Yon, hide me, hide me! Ye sheriff's after me!' + +"'I've no place to hide you here, Ole,' said I. + +"'You moost, you moost!' screamed Ole. + +"'Crawl into that gunny-sack then,' said I. + +"He'd no more'n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff. + +"'Seen Ole?' said he. + +"'Don't see him here,' said I, without lyin'. + +"Then the sheriff went a-nosin' round an' pretty soon he spotted the +gunny-sack over in the corner. + +"'What's in here?' said he. + +"'Oh, just some old harness and sleigh-bells,' said I. + +"With that he gives it an awful boot. + +"'Yingle, yingle, yingle!' moaned Ole." + + +MOTHER--"Tommy, if you're pretending to be an automobile, I wish you'd +run over to the store and get me some butter." + +TOMMY--"I'm awful sorry, Mother, but I'm all out of gasoline."--_Judge_. + + +"Children," said the teacher, instructing the class in composition, "you +should not attempt any flights of fancy; simply be yourselves and write +what is in you. Do not imitate any other person's writings or draw +inspiration from outside sources." + +As a result of this advice Tommy Wise turned out the following +composition: "We should not attempt any flights of fancy, but write what +is in us. In me there is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two apples, +one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my dinner." + + +"A great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of art," +says a New York artist, "and it must be confessed that some ground has +been given to the enemy. Why, there recently came to my notice a +picture of an Assyrian bath, done by a Chicago man, and so careful was +he of all the details that the towels hanging up were all marked +'Nebuchadnezzar' in the corner, in cuneiform characters." + + + + +RECALL + + +SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?" + +JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum." + + +"Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in Washington for +six years." + +"I don't know about that. My state has the recall." + + + + +RECOMMENDATIONS + + +A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In +acquitting them the court, with great severity, said: + +"There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishes +to know my opinion of you I hope that they will refer to me." + +Next day the firm's advertisement appeared in every available medium +with the following, well displayed: "Reference as to probity, by special +permission, the Lord Chief Justice of England." + + +MISTRESS--"Have you a reference?" + +BRIDGET--"Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got it." + + +There is a story of a Scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his gardener +for dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wife and family, however, he +gave him a "character," and framed it in this way: "I hereby certify +that A. B. has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that +time he got more out of the garden than any man I ever employed." + + +The buxom maid had been hinting that she did not think much of working +out, and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of a rather +sheepish young man caused her mistress much apprehension. + +"Martha, is it possible that you are thinking of getting married?" + +"Yes'm," admitted Martha, blushing. + +"Not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately?" + +"Yes'm he's the one." + +"But you have only known him a few days." + +"Three weeks come Thursday," corrected Martha. + +"Do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking such an +important step?" + +"Well," answered Martha with spirit, "'tain't 's if he was some new +feller. He's well recommended; a perfectly lovely girl I know was +engaged to him for a long while." + + +An Englishman and an Irishman went to the captain of a ship bound for +America and asked permission to work their passage over. The captain +consented, but asked the Irishman for references and let the Englishman +go on without them. This made the Irishman angry and he planned to get +even. + +One day when they were washing off the deck, the Englishman leaned far +over the rail, dropped the bucket, and was just about to haul it up when +a huge wave came and pulled him overboard. The Irishman stopped +scrubbing, went over to the rail and, seeing the Englishman had +disappeared, went to the Captain and said: "Perhaps yez remember whin I +shipped aboard this vessel ye asked me for riferences and let the +Englishman come on widout thim?" + +The Captain said: "Yes, I remember." + +"Well, ye've been decaved," said the Irishman; "he's gone off wid yer +pail!" + + + + +RECONCILIATIONS + + +"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing." + +"Why don't you make up?" + +"I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity." + + + + +REFORMERS + + +LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer." + +JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_. + + +He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want land +reform," he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want educational reform, +I want--" + +And said a bored voice in the audience: "Chloroform." + + +The young woman sat before her glass and gazed long and earnestly at the +reflection there. She screwed up her face in many ways. She fluffed her +hair and then smoothed it down again; she raised her eyes and lowered +them; she showed her teeth and she pressed her lips tightly together. At +last she got up, with a weary sigh, and said: + +"It's no use. I'll be some kind of reformer." + + + + +REGRETS + + +A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor, +telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by post." + + +After the death of Lord Houghton, there was found in his correspondence +the following reply to a dinner invitation: "Mrs. ---- presents her +compliments to Lord Houghton. Her husband died on Tuesday, otherwise he +would have been delighted to dine with Lord Houghton on Thursday next." + + +A young woman prominent in the social set of an Ohio town tells of a +young man there who had not familiarized himself with the forms of +polite correspondence to the fullest extent. When, on one occasion, he +found it necessary to decline an invitation, he did so in the following +terms: + +"Mr. Henry Blank declines with pleasure Mrs. Wood's invitation for the +nineteenth, and thanks her extremely for having given him the +opportunity of doing so." + + + + +REHEARSALS + + +The funeral procession was moving along the village street when Uncle +Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," said Uncle +Abe, "who they buryin' today?" + +"Pore old Tite Harrison," said the storekeeper. + +"Sho," said Uncle Abe. "Tite Harrison, hey? Is Tite dead?" + +"You don't think we're rehearsin' with him, do you?" snapped the +storekeeper. + + + + +RELATIVES + + +"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's +relatives." + +"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!" + + + + +RELIGIONS + + +When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip to +Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might discover +some new religion to bring home with him. "But be careful of it, Bishop +Brooks," remarked a listening friend; "it may be difficult to get your +new religion through the Custom House." + +"I guess not," replied the Bishop, laughingly, "for we may take it for +granted that any new religion popular enough to import will have no +duties attached to it." + + +At a recent conference of Baptists, Methodists, and English Friends, in +the city of Chengtu, China, two Chinamen were heard discussing the three +denominations. One of them said to the other: + +"They say these denominations have different beliefs. Just what is the +difference between them?" + +"Oh," said the other, "Not much! Big washee, little washee, no washee, +that is all." + + +A recent book on Russia relates the story of the anger of the Apostle +John because a certain peasant burned no tapers to his ikon, but +honored, instead, the ikon of Apostle Peter in St. John's own church. +The two apostles talked it over as they walked the fields near Kieff, +and Apostle John decided to send a terrible storm to destroy the just +ripe corn of the peasant. His decision was carried out, and the next day +he met Apostle Peter and boasted of his punishing wrath. + +And Apostle Peter only laughed. "Ai, yi, yi, Apostle John," he said, +"what a mess you've made of it. I stepped around, saw my friend, and +told him what you were going to do, so he sold his corn to the priest of +your church." + + +The priest of a New York parish met one of his parishioners, who had +long been out of work, and asked him whether he had found anything to +do. The man grinned with infinite satisfaction, and replied: + +"Yiss indade, ycr Riverince, an' a foine job too! Oi'm gettin' three +dollars a day fur pullin' down a Prodesant church!" + + +A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one night, +but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp of a +policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. I'm a +somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care what your +religion is--yer can't walk the streets in yer nightshirt." + + +The friendship existing between Father Kelly and Rabbi Levi is proof +against differences in race and religion. Each distinguished for his +learning, his eloquence and his wit; and they delight in chaffing each +other. They were seated opposite each other at a banquet where some +delicious roast ham was served and Father Kelly made comments upon its +flavor. Presently he leaned forward and in a voice that carried far, he +addressed his friend: + +"Rabbi Levi, when are you going to become liberal enough to eat ham?" + +"At your wedding, Father Kelly," retorted the rabbi. + + +The broad-minded see the truth in different religions; the narrow-minded +see only their differences.--_Chinese Proverb_. + + + + +REMEDIES + + +MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?" + +MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!" + + +SUFFERER--"I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it." + +FRIEND--"Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a toothache yesterday +and I went home and my loving wife kissed me and so consoled me that the +pain soon passed away. Why don't you try the same?" + +SUFFERER--"I think I will. Is your wife at home now?" + + + For every ill beneath the sun + There is some remedy or none; + If there be one, resolve to find it; + If not, submit, and never mind it. + + + + +REMINDERS + + +The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast: + +"Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier, +countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole. You'll be +sure to remember?" + +The tired eyes of the harassed, shabby promoter lit up with joy. He +seized a skipping rope that lay with a heap of dolls and toys in a +corner, and going to his wife, he said: + +"Here, tie my right hand to my left foot so I won't forget!" + + + + +REPARTEE + + +Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next +morning. + + +Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an +Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures. The boss, thinking that +he would get ahead of Pat, said: "Say, Pat, how many shirts can you get +out of a yard?" + +"That depends," answered Pat, "on whose yard you get into." + + +A middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the Grand +Central Station in New York the other day. + +"Young man," he said, plucking his sleeve, "I wanter go to Central +Park." + +The youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment. + +"Well," he said finally, "you may just this once. But I don't want you +ever, _ever_ to ask me again." + + +SEEDY VISITOR--"Do you have many wrecks about here, boatman?" + +BOATMAN--"Not very many, sir. You're the first I've seen this season." + + +HER DAD--"No, sir; I won't have my daughter tied for life to a stupid +fool." + +HER SUITOR--"Then don't you think you'd better let me take her off your +hands?" + + +Wendell Phillips was traveling through Ohio once when he fell in with a +car full of ministers returning from a convention. One of the ministers, +a southerner from Kentucky, was naturally not very cordial to the +opinions of the great abolitionist and set out to embarrass Mr. +Phillips. So, before the group of ministers, he said: + +"You are Wendell Phillips, are you not?" + +"Yes," answered the great abolitionist. + +"And you are trying to free the niggers, aren't you?" + +"Yes, sir; I am." + +"Well, why do you preach your doctrines up here? Why don't you go over +into Kentucky?" + +"Excuse me, are you a preacher?" + +"I am, sir." + +"Are you trying to save souls from hell?" + +"Yes, sir; that is my business." + +"Well, why don't you go there then?" asked Mr. Phillips. + + +SOLEMN SENIOR--"So your efforts to get on the team were fruitless, were +they?" + +FOOLISH FRESHMAN--"Oh, no! Not at all. They gave me a lemon."--_Harvard +Lampoon_. + + +A benevolent person watched a workman laboriously windlassing rock from +a shaft while the broiling sun was beating down on his bare head. + +"My dear man," observed the onlooker, "are you not afraid that your +brain will be affected in the hot sun?" + +The laborer contemplated him for a moment and then replied: + +"Do you think a man with any brains would be working at this kind of a +job?" + + +Winston Churchill, the young English statesman, recently began to raise +a mustache, and while it was still in the budding stage he was asked at +a dinner party to take in to dinner an English girl who had decided +opposing political views. + +"I am sorry," said Mr. Churchill, "we cannot agree on politics." + +"No, we can't," rejoined the girl, "for to be frank with you I like your +politics about as little as I do your mustache." + +"Well," replied Mr. Churchill, "remember that you are not likely to come +into contact with either." + + +Strickland Gillilan, the lecturer and the man who pole-vaulted into fame +by his "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in, Finnigin" verses, was about to deliver a +lecture in a small Missouri town. He asked the chairman of the committee +whether he might have a small pitcher of ice-water on the platform +table. + +"To drink?" queried the committeeman. + +"No," answered Gillilan. "I do a high-diving act." + + +TRAVELER--"Say, boy, your corn looks kind of yellow." + +BOY--"Yes, sir. That's the kind we planted." + +TRAVELER--"Looks as though you will only have half a crop." + +BOY--"Don't expect any more. The landlord gets the other half." + +TRAVELER (after a moment's thought)--"Say, there is not much difference +between you and a fool." + +BOY--"No, sir. Only the fence." + + +President Lincoln was busily engaged in his office when an attendant, a +young man of sixteen, unceremoniously entered and gave him a card. +Without rising, the President glanced at the card. "Pshaw. She here +again? I told her last week that I could not interfere in her case. I +cannot see her," he said impatiently. "Get rid of her any way you can. +Tell her I am asleep, or anything you like." + +Quickly returning to the lady in an adjacent room, this exceedingly +bright boy said to her, "The President told me to tell you that he is +asleep." + +The lady's eyes sparkled as she responded, "Ah, he says he is asleep, +eh? Well, will you be kind enough to return and ask him when he intends +to wake up?" + + +The garrulous old lady in the stern of the boat had pestered the guide +with her comments and questions ever since they had started. Her meek +little husband, who was hunched toad-like in the bow, fished in silence. +The old lady had seemingly exhausted every possible point in fish and +animal life, woodcraft, and personal history when she suddenly espied +one of those curious paths of oily, unbroken water frequently seen on +small lakes which are ruffled by a light breeze. + +"Oh, guide, guide," she exclaimed, "what makes that funny streak in the +water--No, there--Right over there!" + +The guide was busy re-baiting the old gentleman's hook and merely +mumbled "U-m-mm." + +"Guide," repeated the old lady in tones that were not to be denied, +"look right over there where I'm pointing and tell me what makes that +funny streak in the water." + +The guide looked up from his baiting with a sigh. + +"That? Oh, that's where the road went across the ice last winter." + + +Nothing more clearly expresses the sentiments of Harvard men in seasons +of athletic rivalry than the time-honored "To hell with Yale!" + +Once when Dean Briggs, of Harvard, and Edward Everett Hale were on their +way to a game at Soldiers' Field a friend asked: + +"Where are you going, Dean?" + +"To yell with Hale," answered Briggs with a meaning smile. + + +John Kendrick Bangs one day called up his wife on the telephone. The +maid at the other end did not recognize her "master's voice," and after +Bangs had told her whom he wanted the maid asked: + +"Do you wish to speak with Mrs. Bangs?" + +"No, indeed," replied the humorist; "I want to kiss her." + + +A boy took a position in an office where two different telephones were +installed. + +"Your wife would like to speak to you on the 'phone, sir," he said to +his employer. + +"Which one?" inquired the boss, starting toward the two booths. + +"Please, sir, she didn't say, and I didn't know that you had more than +one." + + +An Englishman was being shown the sights along the Potomac. "Here," +remarked the American, "is where George Washington threw a dollar across +the river." + +"Well," replied the Englishman, "that is not very remarkable, for a +dollar went much further in those days than it does now." + +The American would not be worsted, so, after a short pause, he said: +"But Washington accomplished a greater feat than that. He once chucked a +sovereign across the Atlantic." + + +Pat was busy on a road working with his coat off. There were two +Englishmen laboring on the same road, so they decided to have a joke +with the Irishman. They painted a donkey's head on the back of Pat's +coat, and watched to see him put it on. Pat, of course, saw the donkey's +head on his coat, and, turning to the Englishmen, said: + +"Which of yez wiped your face on me coat?" + + +A district leader went to Sea Girt, in 1912, to see the Democratic +candidate for President. In the course of an animated conversation, the +leader, noticing that Governor Wilson's eyeglasses were perched +perilously near the tip of his nose remarked: "Your glasses, Governor, +are almost on your mouth." + +"That's all right," was the quick response. "I want to see what I'm +talking about." + + +According to the London _Globe_ two Germans were halted at the French +frontier by the customs officers. "We have each to declare three bottles +of red wine," said one of the Germans to the _douaniers_. "How much to +pay?" + +"Where are the bottles?" asked the customs man. + +"They are within!" laughed the Teuton making a gesture. + +The French _douanier_, unruffled, took down his tariff book and read, or +pretended to read: "Wines imported in bottles pay so much, wines +imported in barrels pay so much, and wines _en peaux d'ane_ pay no duty. +You can pass, gentlemen." + + +A small boy was hoeing corn in a sterile field by the roadside, when a +passer-by stopped and said: + +"'Pears to me your corn is rather small." + +"Certainly," said the boy; "it's dwarf corn." + +"But it looks yaller." + +"Certainly; we planted the yaller kind." + +"But it looks as if you wouldn't get more than half a crop." + +"Of course not; we planted it on halves." + + + + +REPORTING + + +_See_ Journalism; Newspapers. + + + + +REPUBLICAN PARTY + + +The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention in +Baltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally well-known +Democrat: + +"I understand there were some Republicans at the banquet last night." + +"Oh, yes," said the Democrat genially, "one waited on me." + + + + +REPUTATION + + +Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they ought +to, but really can't.--_Frank Richardson_. + + + + +RESEMBLANCES + + +Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the local pride +of one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He also has the +prejudice against being taken for an Indianian which seems inherent in +all native-born Kentuckians. While coming to Congress, several sessions +ago, he was approached in the Pullman coach by a New Yorker, who, after +bowing politely to him, said: + +"Is not this Senator Blackburn of Indiana?" + +The Kentuckian sprang from his seat, and glaring at his interlocutor +exclaimed angrily: + +"No, sir, by ----. The reason I look so bad is I have been sick!" + + +"Every time the baby looks into my face he smiles," said Mr. Meekins. + +"Well," answered his wife, "it may not be exactly polite, but it shows +he has a sense of humor." + + +Mark Twain constantly received letters and photographs from men who had +been told that they looked like him. One was from Florida, and the +likeness, as shown by the man's picture, was really remarkable so +remarkable, indeed, that Mr. Clemens sent the following acknowledgment: + + "My Dear Sir: I thank you very much for your letter and the + photograph. In my opinion you are certainly more like me than + any other of my doubles. In fact, I am sure that if you stood + before me in a mirrorless frame I could shave by you." + + +NEIGHBOR: "Johnny, I think in looks you favor your mother a great deal." + +JOHNNY: "Well. I may look like her, but do you tink dat's a favor?" + + + + +RESIGNATION + + +"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the +minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting. + +"No, sir, I don't," replied the deacon "You've been preachin' on the +subject of resignation for two years an' ye haven't resigned yet." + + + + +RESPECTABILITY + + +"Is he respectable?"' + +"Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealing +a railroad."--_Wasp_. + + + + +REST CURE + + +A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair +of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door in Wyoming +and asked for light housework. She said that her name was Lizzie, and +explained that she had been ill with typhoid and was convalescing. + +"Where did you come from, Lizzie?" inquired the woman of the house. +"Where have you been?" + +"I've been workin' out on Howell's ranch," replied Lizzie, "diggin' +post-holes while I was gittin' my strength back." + + + + +RETALIATION + + +You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always comin' up +and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are ye?'" + +"I know him." + +"I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me--some of them clear +Havanny--but I'll get even with him now." + +"How will you do it?" + +"I'll tell ye. Jim always hits me over the vest pocket where I carry my +cigars. He'll hit me just once more. There's no cigar in me vest pocket +this mornin'. Instead of it, there's a stick of dynamite, d'ye mind!" + + +Once when Henry Ward Beecher was in the midst of an eloquent political +speech some wag in the audience crowed like a cock. It was done to +perfection and the audience was convulsed with laughter. The great +orator's friends felt uneasy as to his reception of the interruption. + +But Mr. Beecher stood perfectly calm. He stopped speaking, listened till +the crowing ceased, and while the audience was laughing he pulled out +his watch. Then he said: "That's strange. My watch says it is only ten +o'clock. But there can't be any mistake about it. It must be morning, +for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible." + + +An Episcopal clergyman, rector of a fashionable church in one of +Boston's most exclusive suburbs, so as not to be bothered with the +innumerable telephone calls that fall to one in his profession, had his +name left out of the telephone book. A prominent merchant of the same +name, living in the same suburb, was continually annoyed by requests to +officiate at funerals and baptisms. He went to the rector, told his +troubles in a kindly way, and asked the parson to have his name put in +the directory. But without success. + +The merchant then determined to complain to the telephone company. As he +was writing the letter, one Saturday evening, the telephone rang and the +timid voice of a young man asked if the Rev. Mr. Blank would marry him +at once. A happy thought came to the merchant: "No, I'm too damn busy +writing my sermon," he replied. + + + +REVOLUTIONS + + +Haiti was in the midst of a revolution. + +As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that a +third was about to be caught between them. + +The commander of the third party saw the predicament. On the right +government troops, on the left insurgents. + +"General, why do you not give the order to fire?" asked an aide, dashing +up on a lame mule. + +"I would like to," responded the general, "but, Great Scott! I can't +remember which side we're fighting for." + + + + +REWARDS + + + Said a great Congregational preacher + To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature." + And the hen, just for that, + Laid an egg in his hat, + And thus did the Hen reward Beecher. + + + + +RHEUMATISM + + +FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going +to rain, ye know." + +MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o' +such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatis +for?"--_Tit-Bits_. + + + + +ROADS + + +A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, and +the latter complained of the mud in America. + +"Yes," said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over here." + +"Nonsense!" said the Englishman. + +"Fact," the American replied. "Why, this afternoon I had a remarkable +adventure--came near getting into trouble with an old gentleman--all +through your confounded mud." + +"Some of the streets are a little greasy at this season, I admit," said +the Englishman. "What was your adventure, though?" + +"Well," said the American, "as I was walking along I noticed that the +mud was very thick, and presently I saw a high hat afloat on a large +puddle of very rich ooze. Thinking to do some one a kindness, I gave the +hat a poke with my stick, when an old gentleman looked up from beneath, +surprised and frowning. 'Hello!' I said. 'You're in pretty deep!' +'Deeper than you think,' he said. 'I'm on the top of an omnibus!'" + + + + +ROASTS + + +As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel he +was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of the meal, +stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching Faversham +eat. At length, unable to endure it any longer, Mr. Faversham rang the +bell and said: + +"Waiter, kindly turn that gentleman around. I think he is done on that +side." + + + + +ROOSEVELT, THEODORE + + +A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay some +years ago, while he was president. The host met them with coat and +collar off, mopping his brow. + +"Ah, gentlemen," he said, "dee-lighted to see you. Dee-lighted. But I'm +very busy putting in my hay just now. Come down to the barn with me and +we'll talk things over while I work." + +Down to the barn hustled President and delegation. + +Mr. Roosevelt seized a pitchfork and--but where was the hay? + +"John!" shouted the President. "John! where's all the hay?" + +"Sorry, sir," came John's voice from the loft, "but I ain't had time to +throw it back since you threw it up for yesterday's delegation." + + + + +SALARIES + + +A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. The +teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, "I hope +you're not afraid of microbes." + +"Not a bit of it," the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe could +live on my salary!"--_Frances Kirkland_. + + + + +SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP + + +A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that reads: + + + Watermelons + + Our choice 25 cents. + + Your choice 35 cents. + +--_Elgin Burroughs_. + + +The quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a well-known +merchant was severely tested one day. He sent in his card by the +office-boy to the manager of a large concern, whose inner office was +separated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass partition. When the +boy handed his card to the manager the salesman saw him impatiently tear +it in half and throw it in the waste-basket; the boy came out and told +the caller that he could not see the chief. The salesman told the boy to +go back and get him his card; the boy brought out five cents, with the +message that his card was torn up. Then the salesman took out another +card and sent the boy back, saying: "Tell your boss I sell two cards for +five cents." + +He got his interview and sold a large bill of goods. + + +A young man entered a hat store and asked to see the latest styles in +derbies. He was evidently hard to please, for soon the counter was +covered with hats that he had tried on and found wanting. At last the +salesman picked up a brown derby, brushed it off on his sleeve, and +extended it admiringly. + +"These are being very much worn this season, sir," he said. "Won't you +try it on?" + +The customer put the hat on and surveyed himself critically in the +mirror. "You're sure it's in style?" + +"The most fashionable thing we have in the shop, sir. And it suits you +to perfection--if the fit's right." + +"Yes, it fits very well. So you think I had better have it?" + +"I don't think you could do better." + +"No, I don't think I could. So I guess I won't buy a new one after all." + +The salesman had been boosting the customer's old hat, which had become +mixed among the many new ones. + + +VISITOR--"Can I see that motorist who was brought here an hour ago?" + +NURSE--"He hasn't come to his senses yet." + +VISITOR--"Oh, that's all right. I only want to sell him another +car."--_Judge_. + + +"That fellow is too slick for me. Sold me a lot that was two feet under +water. I went around to demand my money back." + +"Get it?" + +"Get nothing! Then he sold me a second-hand gasoline launch and a copy +of 'Venetian Life,' by W.D. Howells." + + +In a small South Carolina town that was "finished" before the war, two +men were playing checkers in the back of a store. A traveling man who +was making his first trip to the town was watching the game, and, not +being acquainted with the business methods of the citizens, he called +the attention of the owner of the store to some customers who had just +entered the front door. + +"Sh! Sh!" answered the storekeeper, making another move on the +checkerboard. "Keep perfectly quiet and they'll go out." + + + He who finds he has something to sell, + And goes and whispers it down a well, + Is not so apt to collar the dollars, + As he who climbs a tree and hollers. + + --_The Advertiser_ + + + + +SALOONS + + +"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who landed +at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the 'bus driver. + +"See that millinery shop over there?" asked the driver, pointing to a +building near the depot. + +"You don't mean to say they sell whiskey in a millinery store?" +exclaimed the drummer. + +"No, I mean that's the only place here they don't sell it," said the +'bus man. + + + + +SALVATION + + +WILLIS--"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buy +their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church when they +die." + +GILLIS--"I don't know but that they stand as much chance as some of +these other rich fellows who are trying to get in on the instalment plan +of ten cents a Sunday while they're living."--_Lauren S. Hamilton_. + + +An Italian noble at church one day gave a priest who begged for the +souls in purgatory, a piece of gold. + +"Ah, my lord," said the good father, "you have now delivered a soul." + +The count threw another piece upon the plate. + +"Here is another soul delivered," said the priest. + +"Are you positive of it?" replied the count. + +"Yes, my lord," replied the priest; "I am certain they are now in +heaven." + +"Then," said the count, "I'll take back my money, for it signifies +nothing to you now, seeing the souls have already got to heaven." + + +An Episcopal missionary in Wyoming visited one of the outlying districts +in his territory for the purpose of conducting prayer in the home of a +large family not conspicuous for its piety. He made known his intentions +to the woman of the house, and she murmured vaguely that "she'd go out +and see." She was long in returning, and after a tiresome wait the +missionary went to the door and called with some impatience: + +"Aren't you coming in? Don't you care anything about your souls?" + +"Souls?" yelled the head of the family from the orchard. "We haven't got +time to fool with our souls when the bees are swarmin'." + + +Edith was light-hearted and merry over everything. Nothing appealed to +her seriously. So, one day, her mother decided to invite a very serious +young parson to dinner, and he was placed next the light-hearted girl. +Everything went well until she asked him: + +"You speak of everybody having a mission. What is yours?" + +"My mission," said the parson, "is to save young men." + +"Good," replied the girl, "I'm glad to meet you. I wish you'd save one +for me." + + + + +SAVING + + +Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by your +heirs.--_Puck_. + + +"Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?" + +"Oh, no! I never shop when it rains." + + +JOHNNY--"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?" + +PAPA--"Certainly, my son." + +JOHNNY--"Well, I saved it for you, all right. You said if I brought a +first-class report from my teacher this week you would give me a dollar, +and I didn't bring it." + + +According to the following story, economy has its pains as well as its +pleasures, even after the saving is done. + +One spring, for some reason, old Eli was going round town with the face +of dissatisfaction, and, when questioned, poured forth his voluble tale +of woe thus: + +"Marse Geo'ge, he come to me last fall an' he say, 'Eli, dis gwine ter +be a hard winter, so yo' be keerful, an' save yo' wages fas' an' tight.' + +"An' I b'lieve Marse Geo'ge, yas, sah, I b'lieve him, an' I save an' I +save, an' when de winter come it ain't got no hardship, an' dere was I +wid all dat money jes' frown on mah hands!" + + +"Robert dear," said the coy little maiden to her sweetheart, "I'm sure +you love me; but give me some proof of it, darling. We can't marry on +fifteen dollars a week, you know." + +"Well, what do you want me to do?" said he, with a grieved air. + +"Why, save up a thousand dollars, and have it safe in the bank, and then +I'll marry you." + +About two months later she cuddled up close to him on the sofa one +evening, and said: + +"Robert dear, have you saved up that thousand yet?" + +"Why, no, my love," he replied; "not all of it." + +"How much have you saved, darling?" + +"Just two dollars and thirty-five cents, dear." + +"Oh, well," said the sweet young thing as she snuggled a little closer, +"don't let's wait any longer, darling. I guess that'll do."--_R.M. +Winans_. + + +_See_ also Economy; Thrift. + + + + +SCANDAL + + +An ill wind that blows nobody good. + + + + +SCHOLARSHIP + + +There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated from +Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first term, he +exulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his class. But the +old gentleman was not satisfied. + +"_Next_ to the head!" he exclaimed. "What do you mean? I'd like to know +what you think I'm sending you to college for? _Next_ to the head! Why +aren't you at the head, where you ought to be?" + +At this the son was much crestfallen; but upon his return, he went about +his work with such ambition that at the end of the term he found himself +in the coveted place. When he went home that year he felt very proud. It +would be great news for the old man. + +When the announcement was made, the father contemplated his son for a +few minutes in silence; then, with a shrug, he remarked: + +"At the head of the class, eh? Well, that's a fine commentary on Yale +University!"--_Howard Morse_. + + +"Well, there were only three boys in school to-day who could answer one +question that the teacher asked us," said a proud boy of eight. + +"And I hope my boy was one of the three," said the proud mother. + +"Well, I was," answered Young Hopeful, "and Sam Harris and Harry Stone +were the other two." + +"I am very glad you proved yourself so good a scholar, my son; it makes +your mother proud of you. What question did the teacher ask, Johnnie?" + +"'Who broke the glass in the back window?'" + + +Sammy's mother was greatly distressed because he had such poor marks in +his school work. She scolded, coaxed, even promised him a dime if he +would do better. The next day he came running home. + +"Oh, mother," he shouted, "I got a hundred!" + +"And what did you get a hundred in?" + +"In two things," replied Sammy without hesitation. "I got forty in +readin' and sixty in spellin'." + + +Who ceases to be a student has never been one.--_George Iles_. + + +_See also_ College students. + + + + +SCHOOLS + + +"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well." "That's too +bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you feel worst?" + +"In school, mamma." + + + + +SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT + + +The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in railroad +enterprise in Central America, was seeking local support for a road and +attempted to give the matter point. He asked a native: + +"How long does it take you to carry your goods to market by muleback?" + +"Three days," was the reply. + +"There's the point," said Miller. "With our road in operation you could +take your goods to market and be back home in one day." + +"Very good, senor," answered the native. "But what would we do with the +other two days?" + + +A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during the +afternoon: + +"By the way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could do to +get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or something." + +"Oh, no," replied the owner "Oh, no, that's all right." + +"Why is it?" asked the visitor. + +"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate pumps +two buckets of water into the tank on the roof." + + + + +SCOTCH, THE + + +A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on his +neighbors on week days. + + +It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in Missouri so +divided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a single man +prohibits the sale of liquor there. "And what," he asked, "do you +suppose is the name of the chap who keeps a whole county dry?" + +Nobody had an idea. + +"Mackintosh, as I'm alive!" declared the southerner. + +Everybody laughed except the Englishman. "It's just like a Scotsman to +be so obstinate!" he sniffed, and was much astonished when the rest of +the party laughed more than ever. + + +A Scottish minister, taking his walk early in the morning, found one of +his parishioners recumbent in a ditch. + +"Where hae you been the nicht, Andrew?" asked the minister. + +"Weel, I dinna richtly ken," answered the prostrate one, "whether it was +a wedding' or a funeral, but whichever it was it was a most +extraordinary success." + + +_See also_ Thrift. + + + + +SEASICKNESS + + +A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing seasickness for +the first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he said in a weak +voice: "Jennie, my will is in the Commercial Trust Company's care. +Everything is left to you, dear. My various stocks you will find in my +safe-deposit box." Then he said fervently: "And, Jenny, bury me on the +other side. I can't stand this trip again, alive or dead."--_Joe King_. + + +Motto for the dining saloon of an ocean steamship: "Man wants but little +here below, nor wants that little long." + + +On the steamer the little bride was very much concerned about her +husband, who was troubled with dyspepsia. + +"My husband is peculiarly liable to seasickness, Captain," remarked the +bride. "Could you tell him what to do in case of an attack?" + +"That won't be necessary, Madam," replied the Captain; "he'll do it." + + +A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental winter +resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable, of the +unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he asked. + +A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held up his +hand. "He is a man, sir," he replied, with a reminiscent look on his +face, "who brings you a basin." + + +"The first day out was perfectly lovely," said the young lady just back +from abroad. "The water was as smooth as glass, and it was simply +gorgeous. But the second day was rough and--er--decidedly disgorgeous." + + +The great ocean liner rolled and pitched. + +"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?" + +"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer. + +Then there was an eloquent silence. + +"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away, "I thought +that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!" + + + There was a young man from Ostend, + Who vowed he'd hold out to the end; + But when half way over + From Calais to Dover, + He did what he didn't intend. + + + + +SEASONS + + + There was a young fellow named Hall, + Who fell in the spring in the fall; + 'Twould have been a sad thing + If he'd died in the spring, + But he didn't--he died in the fall. + + + + +SENATORS + + +A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to something +worse. + + +"You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you not?" +said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions. + +"Yes, miss," answered Senator Sorghum, blandly; "I think I have +participated in some of the richest hauls that legislation ever made." + + +An aviator alighted on a field and said to a rather well-dressed +individual: "Here, mind my machine a minute, will you?" + +"What?" the well-dressed individual snarled. "Me mind your machine? Why, +I'm a United States Senator!" + +"Well, what of it?" said the aviator. "I'll trust you." + + + + +SENSE OF HUMOR + + + "What of his sense of humor?" + "Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once." + + --_Richard Kirk_. + + +"A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life," says Rear +Admiral Buhler. "But even a sense of humor may exist in excess. I have +in mind the case of a British soldier who was sentenced to be flogged. +During the flogging he laughed continually. The harder the lash was laid +on, the harder the soldier laughed. + +"'Wot's so funny about bein' flogged?' demanded the sergeant. + +"'Why,' the soldier chuckled, 'I'm the wrong man.'" + + +Mark Twain once approached a friend, a business man, and confided to him +that he needed the assistance of a stenographer. + +"I can send you one, a fine young fellow," the friend said, "He came to +my office yesterday in search of a position, but I didn't have an +opening." + +"Has he a sense of humor?" Mark asked cautiously. + +"A sense of humor? He has--in fact, he got off one or two pretty witty +things himself yesterday," the friend hastened to assure him. + +"Sorry, but he won't do, then," Mark said. + +"Won't do? Why?" + +"No," said Mark. "I had one once before with a sense of humor, and it +interfered too much with the work. I cannot afford to pay a man two +dollars a day for laughing." + + +The perception of the ludicrous is a pledge of sanity.--_Emerson_. + + + + +SENTRIES + + +_See_ Armies. + + + + +SERMONS + + +_See_ Preaching. + + + + +SERVANTS + + +TOMMY--"Pop, what is it that the Bible says is here to-day and gone +to-morrow?" + +POP--"Probably the cook, my son." + + +As usual, they began discussing the play after the theater. "Well, how +did you like the piece, my dear?" asked the fond husband who had always +found his wife a good critic. + +"Very much. There's only one improbable thing in it: the second act +takes place two years after the first, and they have the same servant." + + +SMITH--"We are certainly in luck with our new cook--soup, meat, +vegetables and dessert, everything perfect!" + +MRS. S.--"Yes, but the dessert was made by her successor." + + +THE NEW GIRL--"An' may me intended visit me every Sunday afternoon, +ma'am?" + +MISTRESS--"Who is your intended, Delia?" + +THE NEW GIRL--"I don't know yet, ma'am. I'm a stranger in town." + + +"And do you have to be called in the morning?" asked the lady who was +about to engage a new girl. + +"I don't has to be, mum," replied the applicant, "unless you happens to +need me." + + +A maid dropped and broke a beautiful platter at a dinner recently. The +host did not permit a trifle like this to ruffle him in the least. + +"These little accidents happen 'most every day," he said apologetically. +"You see, she isn't a trained waitress. She was a dairymaid originally, +but she had to abandon that occupation on account of her inability to +handle the cows without breaking their horns." + + +Young housewives obliged to practice strict economy will sympathize with +the sad experience of a Washington woman. + +When her husband returned home one evening he found her dissolved in +tears, and careful questioning elicited the reason for her grief. + +"Dan," said she, "every day this week I have stopped to look at a +perfect love of a hat in Mme. Louise's window. Such a hat, Dan, such a +beautiful hat! But the price--well, I wanted it the worst way, but just +couldn't afford to buy it." + +"Well, dear," began the husband recklessly, "we might manage to--" + +"Thank you, Dan," interrupted the wife, "but there isn't any 'might' +about it. I paid the cook this noon, and what do you think? She marched +right down herself and bought that hat!"--_Edwin Tarrisse_. + + +It is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the sentiment +good-naturedly expressed by a Scandinavian servant, recently taken into +the service of a young matron of Chicago. + +The youthful assumer of household cares was disposed to be a trifle +patronizing. + +"Now, Lena," she asked earnestly, "are you a _good_ cook?" + +"Ya-as, 'm, I tank so," said the girl, with perfect naivete, "if you +vill not try to help me."--_Elgin Burroughs_. + +"Have you a good cook now?" + +"I don't know. I haven't been home since breakfast!" + + +MRS. LITTLETOWN--"This magazine looks rather the worse for wear." + +MRS. NEARTOWN--"Yes, it's the one I sometimes lend to the servant on +Sundays." + +MRS. LITTLETOWN--"Doesn't she get tired of always reading the same one?" + +MRS. NEARTOWN--"Oh, no. You see, it's the same book, but it's always a +different servant."--_Suburban Life_. + + +MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"What is your name?" + +APPLICANT FOR COOKSHIP--"Miss Arlington." + +MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"Do you expect to be called Miss Arlington?" + +APPLICANT---"No, ma'am; not if you have an alarm clock in my room." + + +MISTRESS--"Nora, I saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss a baby. I +hope you will remember my objection to such things." + +NORA--"Sure, ma'am, no policeman would ever think iv kissin' yer baby +whin I'm around." + +_See also_ Gratitude; Recommendations. + + + + +SHOPPING + + +CLERK--"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife wants me to go +shopping with her." + +EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much too busy." + +CLERK--"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!" + + + + +SHYNESS + + +The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story on +himself to some friends: + +"I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I went into +the library to do some literary work. I was very busy and looked so, I +suppose. I had no sooner started to write than a diffident-looking young +man plumped into the chair opposite me, began twirling his cap and +stared at me. I let him sit there. An hour or more passed, and he was +still there, returning my occasional and discouraging glances at him +with a foolish, ingratiating smile. I was inclined to be annoyed. I had +a suspicion that he was a reader of my books, perhaps an admirer--or an +autograph-hunter. He could wait. But at last he rose, and still twirling +his cap, he spoke: + +"'Excuse me, Doctor Watson; I'm getting deathly sick in here and I'm +real sorry to disturb you, but I thought you'd like to know that just as +soon as you left her Mrs. Watson fell down the companionway stairs, and +I guess she hurt herself pretty badly.'" + + + + +SIGNS + + +When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his brother +opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of "Ed. Wolcott +& Bro." Later the partnership was dissolved. The future senator packed +his few assets, including the sign that had hung outside of his office, +upon a burro and started for Georgetown, a mining town farther up in the +hills. Upon his arrival he was greeted by a crowd of miners who +critically surveyed him and his outfit. One of them, looking first at +the sign that hung over the pack, then at Wolcott, and finally at the +donkey, ventured: + +"Say, stranger, which of you is Ed?" + + +"Buck" Kilgore, of Texas, who once kicked open the door of the House of +Representatives when Speaker Reed had all doors locked to prevent the +minority from leaving the floor and thus escaping a vote, was noted for +his indifference to forms and rules. Speaker Reed, annoyed by members +bringing lighted cigars upon the floor of the House just before opening +time, had signs conspicuously posted as follows: "No smoking on the +floor of the House." One day just before convening the House his eagle +eye detected Kilgore nonchalantly puffing away at a fat cigar. Calling a +page, he told him to give his compliments to the gentleman from Texas +and ask him if he had not seen the signs. After a while the page +returned and seated himself without reporting to the Speaker, and Mr. +Reed was irritated to see the gentleman from Texas continue his smoke. +With a frown he summoned the page and asked: + +"Did you tell the gentleman from Texas what I said?" + +"I did," replied the page. + +"What did he say?" asked Reed. + +"Well--er," stammered the page, "he said to give his compliments to you +and tell you he did not believe in signs." + + + + +SILENCE + + +A conversation with an Englishman.--_Heine_. + + +BALL-"What is silence?" + +HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience." + + +The other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was playing a +closely contested game of golf. He carefully teed up his ball and +addressed it with the most aproved grace; he raised his driver and hit +the ball a tremendous clip, but instead of soaring into the azure it +perversely went about twelve feet to the right and then buzzed around in +a circle. The clerical gentleman frowned, scowled, pursed up his mouth +and bit his lips, but said nothing, and a friend who stood by him said: +"Doctor, that is the most profane silence I ever witnessed." + + + + +SIN + + + Man-like is it to fall into sin, + Fiend-like is it to dwell therein, + Christ-like is it for sin to grieve, + God-like is it all sin to leave. + + --_Friedrich von Logan_. + + +"Now," said the clergyman to the Sunday-school class, "can any of you +tell me what are sins of omission?" + +"Yes, sir," said the small boy. "They are the sins we ought to have done +and haven't." + + + + +SINGERS + + +As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Johnnie became greatly +exercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra conductor. + +"What's that man shaking his stick at her for?" he demanded indignantly. + +"Sh-h! He's not shaking his stick at her." + +But Johnny was not convinced. + +"Then what in thunder's she hollering for?" + + +A visiting clergyman was occupying a pulpit in St. Louis one Sunday when +it was the turn of the bass to sing a solo, which he did very badly, to +the annoyance of the preacher, a lover of music. When the singer fell +back in his seat, red of face and exhausted, the clergyman arose, placed +his hands on the unopened Bible, deliberately surveyed the faces of the +congregation, and announced the text: + +"And the wind ceased and there was a great calm." + +It wasn't the text he had chosen, but it fitted his sermon as well as +the occasion. + + +One cold, wet, and windy night he came upon a negro shivering in the +doorway of an Atlanta store. Wondering what the darky could be doing, +standing on a cold, wet night in such a draughty position, the +proprietor of the shop said: + +"Jim, what are you doing here?" + +"'Sense me, sir," said Jim, "but I'm gwine to sing bass tomorrow mornin' +at church, an' I am tryin' to ketch a cold."--_Howard Morse_. + + +"The man who sings all day at work is a happy man." + +"Yes, but how about the man who works and has to listen to him?" Miss +Jeanette Gilder was one of the ardent enthusiasts at the debut of +Tetrazzini. After the first act she rushed to the back of the house to +greet one of her friends. "Don't you think she is a wonder?" she asked +excitedly. + +"She is a great singer unquestionably," responded her more phlegmatic +friend, "but the registers of her voice are not so even as, for +instance, Melba's." + +"Oh, bother Melba," said Miss Gilder. "Tetrazzini gives infinitely more +heat from her registers." + + +At a certain Scottish dinner it was found that every one had contributed +to the evening's entertainment but a certain Doctor MacDonald. + +"Come, come, Doctor MacDonald," said the chairman, "we cannot let you +escape." + +The doctor protested that he could not sing. + +"My voice is altogether unmusical, and resembles the sound caused by the +act of rubbing a brick along the panels of a door." + +The company attributed this to the doctor's modesty. Good singers, he +was reminded, always needed a lot of pressing. + +"Very well," said the doctor, "if you can stand it I will sing." + +Long before he had finished his audience was uneasy. + +There was a painful silence as the doctor sat down, broken at length by +the voice of a braw Scot at the end of the table. + +"Mon," he exclaimed, "your singin's no up to much, but your veracity's +just awful. You're richt aboot that brick." + + + She smiles, my darling smiles, and all + The world is filled with light; + She laughs--'tis like the bird's sweet call, + In meadows fair and bright. + She weeps--the world is cold and gray, + Rain-clouds shut out the view; + She sings--I softly steal away + And wait till she gets through. + + + God sent his singers upon earth + With songs of gladness and of mirth, + That they might touch the hearts of men, + And bring them back to heaven again. + + --_Longfellow_. + + + + +SKATING + + +A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung over her +arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat. + +"Thank you very much, sir," she said, "but I've been skating all +afternoon, and I'm tired of sitting down." + + + + +SKY-SCRAPERS + + +_See_ Buildings. + + + + +SLEEP + +Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from insomnia +told me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink two or three +glasses of milk before going to bed," said he, "and I'll warrant you'll +be asleep within half an hour." I did as he suggested, and now for the +benefit of others who may be afflicted with insomnia, I feel it my duty +to report what happened, so far as I am able to recall the details. + +First, let me say my friend was right. I did go to sleep very soon after +my retirement. Then a friend with his head under his arm came along and +asked me if I wanted to buy his feet. I was negotiating with him, when +the dragon on which I was riding slipped out of his skin and left me +floating in mid-air. While I was considering how I should get down, a +bull with two heads peered over the edge of the wall and said he would +haul me up if I would first climb up and rig a windlass for him. So as I +was sliding down the mountainside the brakeman came in, and I asked him +when the train would reach my station. + +"We passed your station four hundred years ago," he said, calmly folding +the train up and slipping it into his vest pocket. + +At this juncture the clown bounded into the ring and pulled the +center-pole out of the ground, lifting the tent and all the people in it +up, up, while I stood on the earth below watching myself go out of sight +among the clouds above. Then I awoke, and found I had been asleep almost +ten minutes.--_The Good Health Clinic_. + + + + +SMILES + + + There was a young lady of Niger, + Who went for a ride on a tiger; + They returned from the ride + With the lady inside, + And a smile on the face of the tiger. + + --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. + + + + +SMOKING + +A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.--_Rudyard +Kipling_. + + +AUNT MARY--(horrified) "Good gracious. Harold, what would your mother +say if she saw you smoking cigarets?" HAROLD (calmly)--"She'd have a +fit. They're her cigarets." + + +An Irish soldier on sentry duty had orders to allow no one to smoke near +his post. An officer with a lighted cigar approached whereupon Pat +boldly challenged him and ordered him to put it out at once. + +The officer with a gesture of disgust threw away his cigar, but no +sooner was his back turned than Pat picked it up and quietly retired to +the sentry box. + +The officer happening to look around, observed a beautiful cloud of +smoke issuing from the box. He at once challenged Pat for smoking on +duty. + +"Smoking, is it, sor? Bedad, and I'm only keeping it lit to show the +corporal when he comes as evidence agin you." + + + + +SNEEZING + + +While campaigning in Iowa Speaker Cannon was once inveigled into +visiting the public schools of a town where he was billed to speak. In +one of the lower grades an ambitious teacher called upon a youthful +Demosthenes to entertain the distinguished visitor with an exhibition of +amateur oratory. The selection attempted was Byron's "Battle of +Waterloo," and just as the boy reached the end of the first paragraph +Speaker Cannon gave vent to a violent sneeze. "But, hush! hark!" +declaimed the youngster; "a deep sound strikes like a rising knell! Did +ye not hear it?" + +The visitors smiled and a moment later the second sneeze--which the +Speaker was vainly trying to hold back--came with increased violence. + +"But, hark!" bawled the boy, "that heavy sound breaks in once more, and +nearer, clearer, deadlier than before! Arm! arm! it is--it is--the +cannon's opening roar!" + +This was too much, and the laugh that broke from the party swelled to a +roar when "Uncle Joe" chuckled: "Put up yout weapons, children; I won't +shoot any more." + + + + +SNOBBERY + + +Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position. + + + + +SNORING + + +Snore--An unfavorable report from headquarters.--_Foolish Dictionary_. + + + + +SOCIALISTS + + +Among the stories told of the late Baron de Rothschild is one which +details how a "change of heart" once came to his valet--an excellent +fellow, albeit a violent "red." + +Alphonse was as good a servant as one would wish to employ, and as his +socialism never got farther than attending a weekly meeting, the baron +never objected to his political faith. After a few months of these +permissions to absent himself from duty, his employer noticed one week +that he did not ask to go. The baron thought Alphonse might have +forgotten the night, but when the next week he stayed at home, he +inquired what was up. + +"Sir," said the valet, with the utmost dignity, "some of my former +colleagues have worked out a calculation that if all the wealth in +France were divided equally per capita, each individual would be the +possessor of two thousand francs." + +Then he stopped as if that told the whole story, so said the baron, +"What of that?" + +"Sir," came back from the enlightened Alphonse, "I have five thousand +francs now."--_Warwick James Price_. + + + + +SOCIETY + + +Smart Society is made up of the worldly, the fleshy, and the +devilish.--_Harold Melbourne_. + + +"What are her days at home?" + +"Oh, a society leader has no days at home anymore. Nowadays she has her +telephone hours." + + +Society consists of two classes, the upper and the lower. The latter +cultivates the dignity of labor, the former the labor of +dignity.--_Punch_. + + + There was a young person called Smarty, + Who sent out his cards for a party; + So exclusive and few + Were the friends that he knew + That no one was present but Smarty. + + + + +SOLECISMS + + +A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a +large building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth floor." + + +Reporters are obliged to write their descriptions of accidents hastily +and often from meager data, and in the attempt to make them vivid they +sometimes make them ridiculous; for example, a New York City paper a few +days ago, in describing a collision between a train and a motor bus, +said: "The train, too, was filled with passengers. Their shrieks mingled +with the _cries of the dead_ and the dying of the bus!" + + + + +SONS + + +"I thought your father looked very handsome with his gray hairs." + +"Yes, dear old chap. I gave him those." + + + + +SOUVENIRS + + +"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of milk at +a white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his refreshment, +he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, a brick with a faded +rose upon the top of it. + +"'Why do you cherish in this way,' my friend said to his host, 'that +common brick and that dead rose?' + +"'Shure, sir,' was the reply, 'there's certain memories attachin' to +them. Do ye see this big dent in my head? Well, it was made by that +brick.' + +"'But the rose?' said my friend. + +His host smiled quietly. "'The rose,' he explained, 'is off the grave of +the man that threw the brick.'" + + + + +SPECULATION + + +There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when +he can't afford it, and when he can.--_Mark Twain_. + + + + +SPEED + + +"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow," said one Quag man to +another. + +"Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked. + +"Got himself run over by a hearse!" + + +"So you heard the bullet whiz past you?" asked the lawyer of the darky. + +"Yes, sah, heard it twict." + +"How's that?" + +"Heard it whiz when it passed me, and heard it again when I passed it." + + +A near race riot happened in a southern town. The negroes gathered in +one crowd and the whites in another. The whites fired their revolvers +into the air, and the negroes took to their heels. Next day a plantation +owner said to one of his men: "Sam, were you in that crowd that gathered +last night?" "Yassir." "Did you run like the wind, Sam?" "No, sir. I +didn't run like the wind,'deed I didn't. But I passed two niggers that +was running like the wind." + + +A guest in a Cincinnati hotel was shot and killed. The negro porter who +heard the shooting was a witness at the trial. + +"How many shots did you hear?" asked the lawyer. + +"Two shots, sah," he replied. + +"How far apart were they?" + +'"Bout like dis way," explained the negro, clapping his hands with an +interval of about a second between claps. + +"Where were you when the first shot was fired?" + +"Shinin' a gemman's shoe in the basement of de hotel." + +"Where were you when the second shot was fired?" + +"Ah was passin' de Big Fo' depot." + + + + +SPINSTERS + + +"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for +a relative or friend?" asks the minister. + +"I do," says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want the +congregation to pray for my husband." + +"Why, sister Abigail!" replies the minister. "You have no husband as +yet." + +"Yes, but I want you all to pitch in an' pray for one for me!" Some time +ago the wife of an assisstant state officer gave a party to a lot of old +maids of her town. She asked each one to bring a photograph of the man +who had tried to woo and wed her. Each of the old maids brought a +photograph and they were all pictures of the same man, the hostess's +husband. + + +Maude Adams was one day discussing with her old negro "mammy" the +approaching marriage of a friend. + +"When is you gwine to git married, Miss Maudie?" asked the mammy, who +took a deep interest in her talented young mistress. + +"I don't know, mammy," answered the star. "I don't think I'll ever get +married." + +"Well," sighed mammy, in an attempt to be philosophical, "they do say +ole maids is the happies' kind after they quits strugglin'." + + + Here's to the Bachelor, so lonely and gay, + For it's not his fault, he was born that way; + And here's to the Spinster, so lonely and good; + For it's not her fault, she hath done what she could. + + +An old maid on the wintry side of fifty, hearing of the marriage of a +pretty young lady, her friend, observed with a deep and sentimental +sigh: "Well, I suppose it is what we must all come to." + + +A famous spinster, known throughout the country for her charities, was +entertaining a number of little girls from a charitable institution. +After the luncheon, the children were shown through the place, in order +that they might enjoy the many beautiful things it contained. + +"This," said the spinster, indicating a statue, "is Minerva." + +"Was Minerva married?" asked one of the little girls. + +"No, my child," said the spinster, with a smile; "Minerva was the +Goddess of Wisdom."--_E.T_. + + + There once was a lonesome, lorn spinster, + And luck had for years been ag'inst her; + When a man came to burgle + She shrieked, with a gurgle, + "Stop thief, while I call in a min'ster!" + + + + +SPITE + + +Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something +more aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once. + + +A man had for years employed a steady German workman. One day Jake came +to him and asked to be excused from work the next day. + +"Certainly, Jake," beamed the employer. "What are you going to do?" + +"Vall," said Jake slowly. "I tink I must go by mein wife's funeral. She +dies yesterday." + +After the lapse of a few weeks Jake again approached his boss for a day +off. + +"All right, Jake, but what are you going to do this time?" + +"Aber," said Jake, "I go to make me, mit mein fraeulein, a wedding." + +"What? So soon? Why, it's only been three weeks since you buried your +wife." + +"Ach!" replied Jake, "I don't hold spite long." + + + + +SPRING + + + In the spring the housemaid's fancy + Lightly turns from pot and pan + To the greater necromancy + Of a young unmarried man. + You can hold her through the winter, + And she'll work around and sing, + But it's just as good as certain + She will marry in the spring. + + + It is easy enough to look pleasant, + When the spring comes along with a rush; + But the fellow worth-while + Is the one who can smile + When he slips and sits down in the slush. + + --_Leslie Van Every_. + + + + +STAMMERING + + +One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying those +about him. + +"Don't you like the show?" + +"Yes, indeed!" + +"Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?" + +"Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! I w-was s-s-im-ply +s-s-s-saying to S-s-s-sammie that the s-s-s-singing is s-s-s-superb." + + +A man who stuttered badly went to a specialist and after ten difficult +lessons learned to say quite distinctly, "Peter Piper picked a peck of +pickled peppers." His friends congratulated him upon this splendid +achievement. + +"Yes," said the man doubtfully, "but it's s-s-such a d-d-deucedly +d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-w-work into an ordin-n-nary +c-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y' know." + + + + +STATESMEN + + +A statesman is a deal politician.--_Mr. Dooley_. + +A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, then +jumps in front and yells like blazes. + + + + +STATISTICS + + +An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the Lord all +the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for help against the +progress of wickedness in his town, with the statement: + +"Oh, Thou great Jehovah, crime is on the increase. It is becoming more +prevalent daily. I can prove it to you by statistics." + + +PATIENT--"Tell me candidly, Doc, do you think I'll pull through?" + +DOCTOR--"Oh, you're bound to get well--you can't help yourself. _The +Medical Record_ shows that out of one hundred cases like yours, one per +cent invariably recovers. I've treated ninety-nine cases, and every one +of them died. Why, man alive, you can't die if you try! There's no +humbug in statistics." + + + + +STEAK + + +"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?" + +"It depends on your teeth, sir." + + + + +STEAM + + +"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner. + +"Why, sure, sir," replied Patrick confidently. "Steam is--Why--er--it's +wather thos's gone crazy wid the heat." + + + + +STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS + + +"That new steamer they're building is a whopper," says the man with the +shoe button nose. + +"Yes," agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, "but my uncle is going +to build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in one end of it +he can go to the other end and be clear away from the storm." + + + + +STENOGRAPHERS + + +A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as stenographer to +a dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent. On the morning of her first +appearance she went straight to the desk of her employer. + +"I presume," she remarked, "that you begin the day over here the same as +they do in New York?" + +"Oh, yes," replied the employer, without glancing up from a letter he +was reading. + +"Well, hurry up and kiss me, then," was the startling rejoinder, "I want +to get to work." + + + + +STOCK BROKERS + + + A grain broker in New Boston, Maine, + Said, "That market gives me a pain; + I can hardly bear it, + To bull--I don't dare it, + For it's going against the grain." + + --_Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha_. + + + + +STRATEGY + + +A bird dog belonging to a man in Mulvane disappeared last week. The +owner put this "ad" in the paper and insisted that it be printed exactly +as he wrote it: + +LOST OR RUN AWAY--One livver culered burd dog called Jim. Will show +signs of hyderfobby in about three days. The dog came home the following +day. + + +"Boy, take these flowers to Miss Bertie Bohoo, Room 12." + +"My, sir, you're the fourth gentleman wot's sent her flowers to-day." + +"What's that? What the deuce? W--who sent the others?" + +"Oh, they didn't send any names. They all said, 'She'll know where they +come from.'" + +"Well, here, take my card, and tell her these are from the same one who +sent the other three boxes." + + +The little girl was having a great deal of trouble pronouncing some of +the words she met with. "Vinegar" had given her the most trouble, and +she was duly grieved to know that the village was being entertained by +her efforts in this direction. + +She was sent one day to the store with the vinegar-jug, to get it +filled, and had no intention of amusing the people who were gathered in +the store. So she handed the jug to the clerk with: + +"Smell the mouth of it and give me a quart." + + +A young couple had been courting for several years, and the young man +seemed to be in no hurry to marry. Finally, one day, he said: + +"Sall, I canna marry thee." + +"How's that?" asked she. + +"I've changed my mind," said he. + +"Well, I'll tell thee what we'll do," said she. "If folks know that it's +thee as has given me up I shanna be able to get another chap; but if +they think I've given thee up then I can get all I want. So we'll have +banns published and when the wedding day comes the parson will say to +thee, 'Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife?' and thou must +say, 'I will.' And when he says to me, 'Wilt thou have this man to be +thy wedded husband?' I shall say, 'I winna.'" + +The day came, and when the minister asked the important question the man +answered: + +"I will." + +Then the parson said to the woman: + +"Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband?" and she said: + +"I will." + +"Why," said the young man furiously, "you said you would say 'I winna.'" + +"I know that," said the young woman, "but I've changed my mind since." + + +Charles Stuart, formerly senator from Michigan, was traveling by stage +through his own state. The weather was bitter cold, the snow deep, and +the roads practically unbroken. The stage was nearly an hour late at the +dinner station and everybody was cross and hungry. + +In spite of the warning, "Ten minutes only for refreshments," Senator +Stuart sat down to dinner with his usual deliberation. When he had +finished his first cup of coffee the other passengers were leaving the +table. By the time his second cup arrived the stage was at the door. +"All aboard!" shouted the driver. The senator lingered and called for a +third cup of coffee. + +While the household, as was the custom, assembled at the door to see the +stage oft, the senator calmly continued his meal. Suddenly, just as the +stage was starting, he pounded violently on the dining-room table. The +landlord hurried in. The senator wanted a dish of rice-pudding. When it +came he called for a spoon. There wasn't a spoon to be found. + +"That shock-headed fellow took 'em!" exclaimed the landlady. "I knew him +for a thief the minute I laid eyes on him." + +The landlord jumped to the same conclusion. + +"Hustle after that stage!" he shouted to the sheriff, who was untying +his horse from the rail in front of the tavern. "Bring 'em all back. +They've taken the silver!" + +A few minutes later the stage, in charge of the sheriff, swung around in +front of the house. The driver was in a fury. + +"Search them passengers!" insisted the landlord. + +But before the officer could move, the senator opened the stage door, +stepped inside, then leaned out, touched the sheriff's arm and +whispered: + +"Tell the landlord he'll find his spoons in the coffee-pot." + + + + +SUBWAYS + + +Any one who has ever traveled on the New York subway in rush hours can +easily appreciate the following: + +A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought of +pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money in +his overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was somewhat +shocked upon encountering the fist of a fat fellow-passenger. + +"Aha!" snorted the latter. "I caught you that time!" + +"Leggo!" snarled the little man. "Leggo my hand!" + +"Pickpocket!" hissed the fat man. + +"Scoundrel!" retorted the little one. + +Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his paper. + +"I'd like to get off here," he drawled, "if you fellows don't mind +taking your hands out of my pocket." + + + + +SUCCESS + + +Nothing succeeds like excess.--_Life_. + + +Nothing succeeds like looking successful.--_Henriette Corkland_. + + +Success in life often consists in knowing just when to disagree with +one's employer. + + +A New Orleans lawyer was asked to address the boys of a business school. +He commenced: + +"My young friends, as I approached the entrance to this room I noticed +on the panel of the door a word eminently appropriate to an institution +of this kind. It expresses the one thing most useful to the average man +when he steps into the arena of life. It was--" + +"Pull," shouted the boys, in a roar of laughter, and the lawyer felt +that he had taken his text from the wrong side of the door. + + + I'd rather be a Could Be + If I could not be an Are; + For a Could Be is a May Be, + With a chance of touching par. + I'd rather be a Has Been + Than a Might Have Been, by far; + For a Might Have Been has never been, + But a Has was once an Are. + + + 'Tis not in mortals to command success, + But we'll do more, Sempronius,-- + We'll deserve it. + + --_Addison_. + + +There are two ways of rising in the world: either by one's own industry +or profiting by the foolishness of others.--_La Bruyere_. + + + Success is counted sweetest + By those who ne'er succeed. + + --_Emily Dickinson_. + + +_See also_ Making good. + + + + +SUFFRAGETTES + + +When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her husband is +usually left at home to look after his wrongs.--_Child Harold_. + + +"'Ullo, Bill, 'ow's things with yer?" + +"Lookin' up, Tom, lookin' up." + +"Igh cost o' livin' not 'ittin' yer, Bill?" + +"Not so 'ard, Tom--not so 'ard. The missus 'as went 'orf on a hunger +stroike and me butcher's bills is cut in arf!" + + +I'd hate t' be married t' a suffragette an' have t' eat Battle Creek +breakfasts.--_Abe Martin_. + + +FIRST ENGLISHMAN--"Why do you allow your wife to be a militant +suffragette?" + +SECOND ENGLISHMAN--"When she's busy wrecking things outside we have +comparative peace at home."--_Life_. + + +Recipe for a suffragette: + + To the power that already lies in her hands + You add equal rights with the gents; + You'll find votes that used to bring two or three plunks, + Marked down to ninety-eight cents. + + +When Mrs. Pankhurst, the English suffragette, was in America she met and +became very much attached to Mrs. Lee Preston, a New York woman of +singular cleverness of mind and personal attraction. After the +acquaintance had ripened somewhat Mrs. Pankhurst ventured to say: + +"I do hope, Mrs. Preston, that you are a suffragette." + +"Oh, dear no!" replied Mrs. Preston; "you know, Mrs. Pankhurst, I am +happily married." + + +BILL--"Jake said he was going to break up the suffragette meeting the +other night. Were his plans carried out?" + +DILL--"No, Jake was."--_Life_. + + +SLASHER--"Been in a fight?" + +MASHER--"No. I tried to flirt with a pretty suffragette."--_Judge_. + + +"What sort of a ticket does your suffragette club favor?" + +"Well," replied young Mrs. Torkins, "if we owned right up, I think most +of us would prefer matinee tickets." + + +_See also_ Woman suffrage. + + + + +SUICIDE + + +The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner, discussed his +country's customs. + +"There is one custom," said a young girl, "that I can't understand--and +that is the Chinese custom of committing suicide by eating gold-leaf. I +can't understand how gold-leaf can kill." + +"The partaker, no doubt," smiled the Consul, "succumbs from a +consciousness of inward gilt." + + + + +SUMMER RESORTS + + +GABE--"What are you going back to that place for this summer? Why, last +year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing." + +STEVE--"The owner tells me that he has crossed the mosquitoes with the +fish, and guarantees a bite every second." + + +"I suppose," said the city man, "there are some queer characters around +an old village like this." + +"You'll find a good many," admitted the native, "when the hotels fill +up." + + + + +SUNDAY + + +Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse," he said one +day, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee, "nurse, is this +God's day?" + +"No, dear," said the nurse, "this is not Sunday; it is Thursday." + +"I'm so sorry," he said, sadly, and went back to his blocks. + +The next day and the next in his serious manner he asked the same +question, and the nurse tearfully said to the cook: + +"That child is too good for this world." + +On Sunday the question was repeated, and the nurse, with a sob in her +voice, said: "Yes, lambie, this is God's day." + +"Then where is the funny paper?" he demanded. + + +TEACHER-"Good little boys do not skate on Sunday, Corky. Don't you think +that is very nice of them?" + +CORKY--"Sure t'ing!" + +TEACHER--"And why is it nice of them, Corky?" + +CORKY--"Aw, it leaves more room on de ice! See?" + + + Of all the days that's in the week, + I dearly love but one day, + And that's the day that comes betwixt + A Saturday and Monday. + + --_Henry Carey_. + + +O day of rest! How beautiful, how fair, +How welcome to the weary and the old! +Day of the Lord! and truce to earthly care! +Day of the Lord, as all our days should be! + + --_Longfellow_. + + + + +SUNDAY SCHOOLS + + +"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing the +blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll play +'Sabbath School.' You give me a nickel every Sunday for six months, and +then at Christmas I'll give you a ten-cent bag of candy." + + +When Lottie returned from her first visit to Sunday-school, she was +asked what she had learned. + +"God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh day," +was her version of the lesson imparted. + + +The teacher asked: "When did Moses live?" + +After the silence had become painful she ordered: "Open your Old +Testaments. What does it say there?" + +A boy answered: "Moses, 4000." + +"Now," said the teacher, "why didn't you know when Moses lived?" + +"Well," replied the boy, "I thought it was his telephone +number,"--_Suburban Life_. + + +"How many of you boys," asked the Sunday-school superintendent, "can +bring two other boys next Sunday?" + +There was no response until a new recruit raised his hand hesitatingly. + +"Well, William?" + +"I can't bring two, but there's one little feller I can lick, and I'll +do my damnedest to bring him." + + + + +SUPERSTITION + + +Superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its time.--_George +Iles_. + + + + +SURPRISE + + +"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five children. + +"I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the mother. + +"Are we all goin', too?" + +"No, dear. You weren't invited." + +After a few moments' deep thought: + +"Say, ma, then don't you think they'd be lots more surprised if you did +take us all?" + + + + +SWIMMERS + + +Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging about +their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got up a +match. The man who swam the longest distance was to receive $5. The +Alabama Whale immediately stripped on the dock, but the Human Steamboat +said he had some business and would return in a few minutes. The Whale +swam the river four or five times for exercise and by that time the +Human Steamboat returned. He wore a pair of swimming trunks and had a +sheet iron cook stove strapped on his back. Tied around his neck were a +dozen packages containing bread, flour, bacon and other eatables. The +Whale gazed at his opponent in amazement. + +"Whar yo' vittles?" demanded the Human Steamboat. + +"Vittles fo' what?" asked the Whale. + +"Don't yo' ask me fo' nothin' on the way ovah," warned the Steamboat. +"Mah fust stop is New York an' mah next stop is London." + + + + +SYMPATHY + + +A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost +anything. + + +Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a man +much the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along the car between +two rows of well-dressed people, regardless of tender feet. + +Murmurs and complaints arose on all sides and demands were heard that +the offender should be ejected at once. + +But amid the storm of abuse one friendly voice was raised. Mr. Moody +rose from his seat, saying: + +"No, no, friends! Let the man sit down and be quiet." + +The drunken one turned, and, seizing the famous evangelist by the hand, +exclaimed: + +"Thank ye, sir--thank ye! I see you know what it is to be drunk." + + +The man rushed excitedly into the smoking car. "A lady has fainted in +the next car! Has anybody got any whiskey?" he asked. + +Instantly a half-dozen flasks were thrust out to him. Taking the nearest +one, he turned the bottle up and took a big drink, then, handing the +flask back, said, "Thank you. It always did make me feel sick to see a +lady faint." + + +A tramp went to a farmhouse, and sitting down in the front yard began to +eat the grass. + +The housewife's heart went out to him: "Poor man, you must indeed be +hungry. Come around to the back." + +The tramp beamed and winked at the hired man. + +"There," said the housewife, when the tramp hove in sight, pointing to a +circle of green grass, "try that: you will find that grass so much +longer." + + +Strengthen me by sympathizing with my strength, not my weakness.--_Amos +Bronson Alcott_. + + + + +SYNONYMS + + +"I don't believe any two words in the English language are synonymous." + +"Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and 'lift'?" + +"There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens and have a neighbor who +has been known to 'lift' them." + + + + +TABLE MANNERS + + +_See_ Dining. + + + + +TACT + + +It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished to +compliment his hostess, saying: + +"Madam, you played your part splendidly. It fits you to perfection." + +"I'm afraid not. A young and pretty woman is needed for that part," said +the smiling hostess. + +"But, madam, you have positively proved the contrary." + + + + +TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD + + +When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he had +been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old friend. It was +a small house, not well built, and as he walked about in his room the +unsubstantial little house fairly shook with his tread. When he got into +bed that receptacle, unused to so much weight, gave way, precipitating +Taft on the floor. + +His friend hurried to his door. + +"What's the matter, Bill?" + +"Oh, I'm all right, I guess," Taft called out to his friend +good-naturedly; "but say, Joe, if you don't find me here in the morning +look in the cellar." + + +One morning a few summers ago President Taft, wearing the largest +bathing suit known to modern times, threw his substantial form into the +cooling waves of Beverly Bay. Shortly afterward one neighbor said to +another: "Let's go bathing." + +"How can we?" was the response. "The President is using the ocean." + + + + +TALENT + + +_See_ Actors and actresses. + + + + +TALKERS + + +Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-party +given by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess had been +particularly talkative all during the performance--to Mr. Clemens's +increasing irritation. + +Toward the end of the opera, she turned to him and said gushingly: + +"Oh, my dear Mr. Clemens, I do so want you to be with us next Friday +evening. I'm certain you will like it the opera will be 'Tosca.'" + +"Charmed, I'm sure," replied Clemens. "I've never heard you in that." + + +It was a beautiful evening and Ole, who had screwed up courage to take +Mary for a ride, was carried away by the magic of the night. + +"Mary," he asked, "will you marry me?" + +"Yes, Ole," she answered softly. + +Ole lapsed into a silence that at last became painful to his fiancee. + +"Ole," she said desperately, "why don't you say something?" + +"Ay tank," Ole replied, "they bane too much said already." + + +"Sir," said the sleek-looking agent, approaching the desk of the meek, +meaching-looking man and opening one of those folding thingumjigs +showing styles of binding, "I believe I can interest you in this massive +set of books containing the speeches of the world's greatest orators. +Seventy volumes, one dollar down and one dollar a month until the price, +six hundred and eighty dollars has been paid. This set of books gives +you the most celebrated speeches of the greatest talkers the world has +ever known and--" + +"Let me see the index," said the meek man. + +The agent handed it to him and he looked through it carefully and +methodically, running his finger along the list of names. + +Reaching the end he handed the index back to the agent and said: "It +isn't what you claim it is. I happen to know the greatest talker in the +world, and you haven't her in the index." + + +A guest was expected for dinner and Bobby had received five cents as the +price of his silence during the meal. He was as quiet as a mouse until, +discovering that his favorite dessert was being served, he could no +longer curb his enthusiasm. He drew the coin from his pocket, and +rolling it across the table, exclaimed: "Here's your nickel, Mamma. I'd +rather talk." + + +A belated voyager in search of hilarity stumbled home after one o'clock +and found his wife waiting for him. The curtain lecture that followed +was of unusual virulence, and in the midst of it he fell asleep. +Awakening a few hours later he found his wife still pouring forth a +regular cascade of denunciation. Eyeing her sleepily he said curiously, + +"Say, are you talking yet or again?" + + +"You must not talk all the time, Ethel," said the mother who had been +interrupted. + +"When will I be old enough to, Mama?" asked the little girl. + + +While the late Justice Brewer was judge in a minor court he was +presiding at the trial of a wife's suit for separation and alimony. The +defendant acknowledged that he hadn't spoken to his wife in five years, +and Judge Brewer put in a question. + +"What explanation have you," he asked severely, "for not speaking to +your wife in five years?" + +"Your Honor," replied the husband, "I didn't like to interrupt the +lady." + + +She was in an imaginative mood. + +"Henry, dear," she said after talking two hours without a recess, "I +sometimes wish I were a mermaid." + +"It would be fatal," snapped her weary hubby. + +"Fatal! In what way?" + +"Why, you couldn't keep your mouth closed long enough to keep from +drowning." + +And after that, Henry did not get any supper. + + +"Here comes Blinkers. He's got a new baby, and he'll talk us to death." + +"Well, here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog. Let's +introduce them and leave them to their fate."--_Life_. + + +A street-car was getting under way when two women, rushing from opposite +sides of the street to greet each other, met right in the middle of the +car-track and in front of the car. There the two stopped and began to +talk. The car stopped, too, but the women did not appear to realize that +it was there. Certain of the passengers, whose heads were immediately +thrust out of the windows to ascertain what the trouble was, began to +make sarcastic remarks, but the two women heeded them not. + +Finally the motorman showed that he had a saving sense of humor. Leaning +over the dash-board, he inquired, in the gentlest of tones: + +"Pardon me, ladies, but shall I get you a couple of chairs?" + + +A--"I used a word in speaking to my wife which offended her sorely a +week ago. She has not spoken a syllable to me since." + +B--"Would you mind telling me what it was?" + + +In general those who have nothing to say Contrive to spend the longest +time in doing it.--_Lowell_. + + +_See also_ Wives. + + + + +TARDINESS + + +"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in passing a +small boy who was carrying a package. + +"No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."--_Mabel Long_. + + +"How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school this +morning?" the teacher asked severely. + +"Please, ma'am," said Ethel, "I must have overwashed myself." + + + + +TARIFF + + +Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty saying, +"America expects every man to pay his duty?"--_Kent Packard_. + + + + +TASTE + + +"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," said +Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter whose +little daughter called at a friend's house and said: + +'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'" + +So, with great pride, the hostess led the little girl into the +drawing-room, and raised all the blinds, so that the light might stream +in abundantly upon the gorgeous colors of an expensive Kirmanshah. + +The little girl stared down at the rug in silence. Then, as she turned +away, she said in a rather disappointed voice: + +"'It doesn't make _me_ sick!'" + + + + +TEACHERS + + +A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much +troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she +made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at +the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largest three boys of +her class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by six +o'clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were waiting +for her to arrive. + + +"Why did you break your engagement with that school teacher?" + +"If I failed to show up at her house every evening, she expected me to +bring a written excuse signed by my mother." + + +Among the youngsters belonging to a colege settlement in a New England +city was one little girl who returned to her humble home with glowing +accounts of the new teacher. + +"She's a perfect lady," exclaimed the enthusiastic youngster. + +The child's mother gave her a doubtful look. "How do _you_ know?" she +said. "You've only known her two days." + +"It's easy enough tellin'," continued the child. "I know she's a perfect +lady, because she makes you feel polite all the time." + + +MOTHER--"The teacher complains you have not had a correct lesson for a +month; why is it?" + +SON--"She always kisses me when I get them right." + + +There was a meeting of the new teachers and the old. It was a sort of +love feast, reception or whatever you call it. Anyhow all the teachers +got together and pretended they didn't have a care in the world. After +the eats were et the symposiarch proposed a toast: + +"Long Live Our Teachers!" + +It was drunk enthusiastically. One of the new teachers was called on to +respond. He modestly accepted. His answer was: + +"What On?" + + +TEACHER--"Now, Willie, where did you get that chewing gum? I want the +truth." + +WILLIE--"You don't want the truth, teacher, an' I'd ruther not tell a +lie." + +TEACHER--"How dare you say I don't want the truth! Tell me at once where +you got that chewing-gum." + +WILLIE--"Under your desk." + + + Grave is the Master's look; his forehead wears + Thick rows of wrinkles, prints of worrying cares: + Uneasy lie the heads of all that rule, + His worst of all whose kingdom is a school. + + --_0.W. Holmes_. + + + + +TEARS + + +Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel, +when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he +partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes. + +Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye cryin' fer?" + +Pat, wishing to have Mike fooled also, exclaimed: "I'm crying fer me +poor ould mother, who's dead way over in Ireland." + +By and by Mike took some of the radish, whereupon tears filled _his_ +eyes. Pat, seeing them, asked his friend what he was crying for. + +Mike replied: "Because ye didn't die at the same time yer poor ould +mother did." + + + + +TEETH + + + There was an old man of Tarentum, + Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em: + And when asked for the cost + Of what he had lost, + Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!" + + --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. + + +Pat came to the office with his jaw very much swollen from a tooth he +desired to have pulled. But when the suffering son of Erin got into the +dentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps approaching his +face, he positively refused to open his mouth. + +The dentist quietly told his office boy to prick his patient with a pin, +and when Pat opened his mouth to yell the dentist seized the tooth, and +out it came. + +"It didn't hurt as much as you expected it would, did it?" the dentist +asked smiling. + +"Well, no," replied Pat hesitatingly, as if doubting the truthfulness of +his admission. "But," he added, placing his hand on the spot where the +boy jabbed him with the pin, "begorra, little did I think the roots +would reach down like that." + + +An Irishman with one side of his face badly swollen stepped into Dr. +Wicten's office and inquired if the dentist was in. "I am the dentist," +said the doctor. + +"Well, then, I want ye to see what's the matter wid me tooth." + +The doctor examined the offending molar, and explained: "The nerve is +dead; that's what's the matter." + +"Thin, be the powers," the Irishman exclaimed, "the other teeth must be +houldin' a wake over it!" + + + For there was never yet philosopher + That could endure the toothache patiently. + + --_Shakespeare_. + + + + +TELEPHONE + + +Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they +should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this important +conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a number. +One of the girls became indignant and scornfully asked: + +"What line do you think you are on, anyhow?" + +"Well," said the man, "I am not sure, but, judging from what I have +heard, I should say I was on a clothesline." + + +When Grover Cleveland's little girl was quite young her father once +telephoned to the White House from Chicago and asked Mrs. Cleveland to +bring the child to the 'phone. Lifting the little one up to the +instrument, Mrs. Cleveland watched her expression change from +bewilderment to wonder and then to fear. It was surely her father's +voice--yet she looked at the telephone incredulously. After examining +the tiny opening in the receiver the little girl burst into tears. "Oh, +Mamma!" she sobbed. "How can we ever get Papa out of that little hole?" + + +New York Elks are having a lot of fun with a member of their lodge, a +Fifteenth Street jeweler. The other day his wife was in the jewelry +store when the 'phone rang. She answered it. + +"I want to speak to Mr. H----," said a woman's voice. + +"Who is this?' demanded the jeweler's wife. + +"Elizabeth." + +"Well, Elizabeth, this is his wife. Now, madam, what do you want?" + +"I want to talk to Mr. H----." + +"You'll talk to me." + +"Please let me speak to Mr. H----." + +The jeweler's wife grew angry. "Look here, young lady," she said, "who +are you that calls my husband and insists on talking to him?" + +"I'm the telephone operator at Elizabeth, N.J.," came the reply. + +And now the Elks take turns calling the jeweler up and telling him it's +Elizabeth. + + +OPERATOR--"Number, please." + +SUBSCRIBER--"I vas talking mit my husband und now I don't hear him any +more. You must of pushed him off de vire." + + +A German woman called up Central and instructed her as follows: + +"Ist dis de mittle? Veil dis is Lena. Hang my hustband on dis line. I +vant to speak mit him." + + +In China when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may be +expected to ask: + +"What number does the honorable son of the moon and stars desire?" + +"Hohi, two-three." + +Silence. Then the exchange resumes. + +"Will the honorable person graciously forgive the inadequacy of the +insignificant service and permit this humbled slave of the wire to +inform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently censured line is busy?" + + +Recipe for a telephone operator: + + To fearful and wonderful rolling of "r's," + And a voice cold as thirty below, + Add a dash of red pepper, some ginger and sass + If you leave out the "o" in "hello"! + + + + +TEMPER + + +Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to see her +favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for her mercurial +temper. "Dinah," she said, "I cannot stand it any longer. I want you to +go. I want you to go soon, I want you to go right now." + +"Lawzee," replied Dinah, "this surely am a co-instence. I was this very +minute cogitatin' that same thought in my own mind--I want to go, I +thank the good Lawd I kin go, and I pity your husband, ma'am, that he +can't go." + + + + +TEMPERANCE + + +A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance +employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In repairing +a corner near the fireplace, it was found necessary to remove the +wainscot, when some things were brought to light which greatly +astonished the workman. A brace of decanters, sundry bottles containing +"something to take," a pitcher, and tumblers were cosily reposing in +their snug quarters. The joiner ran to the proprietor with the +intelligence. + +"Well, I declare!" exclaimed the deacon. "That is curious, sure enough. +It must be old Captain Bunce that left those things there when he +occupied the premises thirty years since." + +"Perhaps he did, returned the discoverer, but, Deacon, that ice in the +pitcher must have been well frozen to remain solid."--_Abbie C. Dixon_. + + + + Here's to a temperance supper, + With water in glasses tall, + And coffee and tea to end with + And me not there at all. + + +The best prohibition story of the season comes from Kansas where, it is +said, a local candidate stored a lot of printed prohibition literature +in his barn, but accidentally left the door open and a herd of milch +cows came in and ate all the pamphlets. As a result every cow in the +herd went dry.--_Adrian Times_. + + +A Michigan citizen recently received a letter from a Kentucky whisky +house, requesting him to send them the names of a dozen or more persons +who would like to get some fine whisky shipped to them at a very low +price. The letter wound up by saying: + +"We will give you a commission on all the orders sent in by parties +whose names you send us." + +The Michigan man belonged to a practical joke class, and filled in the +names of some of his prohibition friends on the blank spaces left for +that purpose. + +He had forgotten all about his supposed practical joke when Monday he +received another letter from the same house. He supposed it was a +request for some more names, and was just about to throw the +communication in the waste basket when it occurred to him to send the +name of another old friend to the whisky house. He accordingly tore open +the envelope, and came near collapsing when he found a check for $4.80, +representing his commission on the sale of whisky to the parties whose +names he had sent in about three weeks before. + + +Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.--_Samuel +Johnson_. + + + + +TEXAS + + +The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map. +But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known. It +is about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at the bottom of the map, +to Dallas, which is several hundreds of miles from the top of the map. +Hence the following conversation in Brownsville recently between two of +the old-time residents: + +"Where have you been lately, Bob? I ain't seen much of you." + +"Been on a trip north." + +"Where'd you go?" + +"Went to Dallas." + +"Have a good time?" + +"Naw; I never did like them damn Yankees, anyway." + + + + +TEXTS + + +In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declared +colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without previous +meditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The voice of the +turtle shall be heard in the land." Not noting that the margin read +"turtle-dove," he proceeded in this manner: + +"This text, my hearers, strikes me as one of the most peculiar texts in +the whole book, because we all know that a turtle ain't got no voice. +But by the inward enlightenment I begin to see the meaning and will +expose it to you. Down in the hollers by the streams and ponds you have +gone in the springtime, my brethren, and observed the little turtles, +a-sleeping on the logs. But at the sound of the approach of a human +being, they went _kerflop-kerplunk_, down into the water. This I say, +then, is the meaning of the prophet: he, speakinging figgeratively, +referred to the _kerflop_ of the turtle as the _voice_ of the turtle, +and hence we see that in those early times the prophet, looking down at +the ages to come, clearly taught and prophesied the doctrine I have +always preached to this congregation--_that immersion is the only form +of baptism."_ + + +John D. Rockefeller, Jr., once asked a clergyman to give him an +appropriate Bible verse on which to base an address which he was to make +at the latter's church. + +"I was thinking," said young Rockefeller, "that I would take the verse +from the Twenty-third Psalm: 'The Lord is my shepherd.' Would that seem +appropriate?" + +"Quite," said the clergyman; "but do you really want an appropriate +verse?" + +"I certainly do," was the reply. + +"Well, then," said the clergyman, with a twinkle in his eye, "I would +select the verse in the same Psalm: 'Thou anointest my head with oil; my +cup runneth over.'" + + + + +THEATER + + +"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a producer +of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a film-drama. Listen +to the impromptu scenario: Scene one, exterior of a Broadway theater, +with the ticket-speculators getting the coin in handfuls, and--" + +"You're out!" interrupted the producer. "Why, don't you know that the +law don't permit us to show an actual robbery on the screen?"--_P.H. +Carey_. + + +"Why don't women have the same sense of humor that men possess?" asked +Mr. Torkins. + +"Perhaps," answered his wife gently, "it's because we don't attend the +same theaters." + + +It appears that at the rehearsal of a play, a wonderful climax had been +reached, which was to be heightened by the effective use of the usual +thunder and lightning. The stage-carpenter was given the order. The +words were spoken, and instantly a noise which resembled a succession of +pistol-shots was heard off the wings. + +"What on earth are you doing, man?" shouted the manager, rushing behind +the scenes. "Do you call that thunder? It's not a bit like it." + +"Awfully sorry, sir," responded the carpenter; "but the fact is, sir, I +couldn't hear you because of the storm. That was real thunder, sir!" + + +Everybody has his own theater, in which he is manager, actor, prompter, +playwright, sceneshifter, boxkeeper, doorkeeper, all in one, and +audience into the bargain.--_J.C. and A.W. Hare_. + + + + +THIEVES + + +GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)--"Well, Ras, so you want me to +defend you. Have you any money?" + +RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two." + +LAWYER--"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do they accuse +you of stealing?" + +RASTUS--"Oh, a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two." + + +At a dinner given by the prime minister of a little kingdom on the +Balkan Peninsula, a distinguished diplomat complained to his host that +the minister of justice, who had been sitting on his left, had stolen +his watch. + +"Ah, he shouldn't have done that," said the prime minister, in tones of +annoyance. "I will get it back for you." + +Sure enough, toward the end of the evening the watch was returned to its +owner. + +"And what did he say?" asked the diplomat. + +"Sh-h," cautioned the host, glancing anxiously about him. "He doesn't +know that I have got it back." + + +Senator "Bob" Taylor, of Tennessee, tells a story of how, when he was +"Fiddling Bob," governor of that state, an old negress came to him and +said: + +"Massa Gov'na, we's mighty po' this winter, and Ah wish you would pardon +mah old man. He is a fiddler same as you is, and he's in the +pen'tentry." + +"What was he put in for?" asked the governor. + +"Stead of workin' fo' it that good-fo'-nothin' nigger done stole some +bacon." + +"If he is good for nothing what do you want him back for?" + +"Well, yo' see, we's all out of bacon ag'in," said the old negress +innocently. + + +"Did ye see as Jim got ten years' penal for stealing that 'oss?" + +"Serve 'im right, too. Why didn't 'e buy the 'oss and not pay for 'im +like any other gentleman?" + + +Some time ago a crowd of Bowery sports went over to Philadelphia to see +a prize fight. One "wise guy," who, among other things, is something of +a pickpocket, was so sure of the result that he was willing to bet on +it. + +"The Kid's goin' t' win. It's a pipe," he told a friend. + +The friend expressed doubts. + +"Sure he'll win," the pickpocket persisted. "I'll bet you a gold watch +he wins." + +Still the friend doubted. + +"Why," exclaimed the pickpocket, "I'm willin' to bet you a good gold +watch he wins! Y' know what I'll do? Come through the train with me now, +an' y' can pick out any old watch y' like." + + + In vain we call old notions fudge + And bend our conscience to our dealing. + + The Ten Commandments will not budge + And stealing will continue stealing. + + --_Motto of American Copyright League_. + + + Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind; + The thief doth fear each bush an officer. + + --_Shakespeare_. + + +_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers; Lost and found. + + + + +THIN PEOPLE + + + There was an old fellow named Green, + Who grew so abnormally lean, + And flat, and compressed, + That his back touched his chest, + And sideways he couldn't be seen. + + There was a young lady of Lynn, + Who was so excessively thin, + That when she essayed + To drink lemonade + She slipped through the straw and fell in. + + + + +THRIFT + + +It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if +he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably +choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a stranger asked him: + +"Why do you always take the penny? Don't you know the difference in +value? + +"Aye," answered the fool, "I ken the difference in value. But if I took +the saxpence they would never try me again." + + + The Mrs. never misses + Any bargain sale, + For the female of the species + Is more thrifty than the male. + + +MCANDREWS (the chemist, at two A.M.)--"Two penn'orth of bicarbonate of +soda for indigestion at this time o' night, when a glass of hot water +does just as well!" + +SANDY (hastily)--"Well, well! Thanks for the advice. I'll not bother ye, +after all. Gude nicht!" + + +The foreman and his crew of bridgemen were striving hard to make an +impression on the select board provided by Mrs. Rooney at her Arkansas +eating establishment. + +"The old man sure made a funny deal down at Piney yesterday," observed +the foreman, with a wink at the man to his right. + +"What'd he do?" asked the new man at the other end of the table. + +"Well, a year or so ago there used to be a water tank there, but they +took down the tub and brought it up to Cabin Creek. The well went dry +and they covered it over. It was four or five feet round, ninety feet +deep, and plumb in the right of way. Didn't know what to do with it +until along comes an old lollypop yesterday and gives the Old Man five +dollars for it." + +"Five dollars for what?" asked the new man. + +"Well," continued the foreman, ignoring the interruption, "that old +lollypop borrowed two jacks from the trackmen and jacked her up out of +there and carried her home on wheels.' + +"What'd he do with it?" persisted the new man. + +"Say that old lollypop must've been a Yank. Nobody else could have +figured it out. The ground on his place is hard and he needed some more +fence. So he calc'lated 'twould be easier and cheaper to saw that old +well up into post-holes than 'twould be to dig 'em." + + +A certain workman, notorious for his sponging proclivities, met a friend +one morning, and opened the conversation by saying: + +"Can ye len' us a match, John?" + +John having supplied him with the match, the first speaker began to feel +his pockets ostentatiously, and then remarked dolefully, "Man, I seem to +have left my tobacco pouch at hame." + +John, however, was equal to the occasion, and holding out his hand, +remarked: + +"Aweel, ye'll no be needin' that match then." + + +A Highlander was summoned to the bedside of his dying father. When he +arrived the old man was fast nearing his end. For a while he remained +unconscious of his son's presence. Then at last the old man's eyes +opened, and he began to murmur. The son bent eagerly to listen. + +"Dugald," whispered the parent, "Luckie Simpson owes me five shilling." + +"Ay, man, ay," said the son eagerly. + +"An" Dugal More owes me seven shillins." + +"Ay," assented the son. + +"An' Hamish McCraw owes me ten shillins." + +"Sensible tae the last," muttered the delighted heir. "Sensible tae the +last." + +Once more the voice from the bed took up the tale. + +"An', Dugald, I owe Calum Beg two pounds." + +Dugald shook his head sadly. + +"Wanderin' again, wanderin' again," he sighed. "It's a peety." + + +The canny Scot wandered into the pharmacy. + +"I'm wanting threepenn'orth o' laudanum," he announced. + +"What for?" asked the chemist suspiciously. + +"For twopence," responded the Scot at once. + + +A Scotsman wishing to know his fate at once, telegraphed a proposal of +marriage to the lady of his choice. After spending the entire day at the +telegraph office he was finally rewarded late in the evening by an +affirmative answer. + +"If I were you," suggested the operator when he delivered the message, +"I'd think twice before I'd marry a girl that kept me waiting all day +for my answer." + +"Na, na," retorted the Scot. "The lass who waits for the night rates is +the lass for me." + + +"Well, yes," said Old Uncle Lazzenberry, who was intimately acquainted +with most of the happenstances of the village, "Almira Stang has broken +off her engagement with Charles Henry Tootwiler. They'd be goin' +together for about eight years, durin' which time she had been +inculcatin' into him, as you might call it, the beauties of economy; +but when she discovered, just lately, that he had learnt his lesson so +well that he had saved up two hundred and seventeen pairs of socks for +her to darn immediately after the wedding, she 'peared to conclude that +he had taken her advice a little too literally, and broke off the +match."--_Puck_. + + +They sat each at an extreme end of the horsehair sofa. They had been +courting now for something like two years, but the wide gap between had +always been respectfully preserved. + +"A penny for your thochts, Sandy," murmured Maggie, after a silence of +an hour and a half. + +"Weel," replied Sandy slowly, with surprising boldness, "tae tell ye the +truth, I was jist thinkin' how fine it wad be if ye were tae gie me a +wee bit kissie." + +"I've nae objection," simpered Maggie, slithering over, and kissed him +plumply on the tip of his left ear. + +Sandy relapsed into a brown study once more, and the clock ticked +twenty-seven minutes. + +"An' what are ye thinkin' about noo--anither, eh?" + +"Nae, nae, lassie; it's mair serious the noo." + +"Is it, laddie?" asked Maggie softly. Her heart was going pit-a-pat with +expectation. "An' what micht it be?" + +"I was jist thinkin'," answered Sandy, "that it was aboot time ye were +paying me that penny!" + + +The coward calls himself cautious, the miser thrifty.--_Syrus_. + +There are but two ways of paying debt: increase of industry in raising +income, increase of thrift in laying out.--_Carlyle_. + + +_See also_ Economy; Saving. + + + + +TIDES + + +A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat +bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and he +did not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to his +feet. At last an extra big wave washed over his shoe tops. + +"Hey, there!" he yelled at the fair, fat bather. "Quit yer jumpin' up +and down! D'ye want to drown me?" + + +At a recent Confederate reunion in Charleston, S.C., two Kentuckians +were viewing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time. + +"Say, cap'n," said one of them, "what ought I to carry home to the +children for a souvenir?" + +"Why, colonel, it strikes me that some of this here ocean water would be +right interestin'." + +"Just the thing!" exclaimed the colonel delightedly. From a rear pocket +he produced a flask, and, with the aid of the captain, soon emptied it. +Then, picking his way down to the water's edge, he filled it to the neck +and replaced the cork. + +"Hi, there! Don't do that!" cried the captain in great alarm. "Pour out +about a third of that water. If you don't, when the tide rises she'll +bust sure." + + +Nae man can tether time or tide.--_Burns_. + + + + +TIME + + +Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to +do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clock and then +slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back on the lid with a +clatter. "Talk about toime and toide waitin' fer no man," she muttered +as she hurried into the pantry; "there's toimes they waits, an' toimes +they don't. Yistherday at this blessed minit 'twas but tin o'clock an' +to-day it's a quarther to twilve." + + +MRS. MURPHY--"Oi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is pretty bad +off." + +MRS. CASEY--"Shure, he's good for a year yit." + +MRS. MURPHY--"As long as thot?" + +MRS. CASEY--"Yis; he's had four different doctors, and each one av thim +give him three months to live."--_Puck_. + + +A long-winded attorney was arguing a technical case before one of the +judges of the superior court in a western state. He had rambled on in +such a desultory way that it became very difficult to follow his line of +thought, and the judge had just yawned very suggestively. + +With just a trace of sarcasm in his voice, the tiresome attorney +ventured to observe: "I sincerely trust that I am not unduly trespassing +on the time of this court." + +"My friend," returned his honor, "there is a considerable difference +between trespassing on time and encroaching upon eternity."--_Edwin +Tarrisse_. + + +A traveler, finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called a +cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. At first all +went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they +narrowly escaped several collisions. + +"What's the matter?" demanded the passenger. "Why are you driving so +recklessly? I'm in no hurry." + +"Ah, g'wan wid yez," retorted the cabby. "D'ye think thot I'm goin' to +put in me whole day drivin' ye around for two hours? Gitap!" + + +Frank comes into the house in a sorry plight. + +"Mercy on us!" exclaims his father. "How you look! You are soaked." + +"Please, papa, I fell into the canal." + +"What! with your new trousers on?" + +"Yes, papa, I didn't have time to take them off." + + +A well-known Bishop, while visiting at a bride's new home for the first +time, was awakened quite early by the soft tones of a soprano voice +singing "Nearer, My God, to Thee." As the Bishop lay in bed he meditated +upon the piety which his young hostess must possess to enable her to +begin her day's work in such a beautiful frame of mind. + +At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was. + +"Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses for +soft and five for hard." + + + There was a young woman named Sue, + Who wanted to catch the 2:02; + Said the trainman, "Don't hurry + Or flurry or worry; + It's a minute or two to 2:02." + + +FATHER--"Mildred, if you disobey again I will surely spank you." + +On father's return home that evening, Mildred once more acknowledged +that she had again disobeyed. + +FATHER (firmly)--"You are going to be spanked. You may choose your own +time. When shall it be?" + +MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)--"Yesterday." + + +A northerner passing a rundown looking place in the South, stopped to +chat with the farmer. He noticed the hogs running wild and explained +that in the North the farmers fattened their hogs much faster by +shutting them in and feeding them well. + +"Hell!" replied the southerner, "What's time to a hog." + + +Dost thou love life? Then waste not time; for time is the stuff that +life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_. + + + Time fleeth on, + Youth soon is gone, + Naught earthly may abide; + Life seemeth fast, + But may not last + It runs as runs the tide. + + --_Leland_. + + +_See also_ Scientific management. + + + + +TIPS + + +American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the +omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service, +however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too far, or else +attempt to resist it altogether. There is a story told of a wealthy and +ostentatious American in a Parisian restaurant. As the waiter placed +the order before him he said in a loud voice: + +"Waiter, what is largest tip you ever received?" + +"One thousand francs, monsieur." + +"_Eh bien_! But I will give you two thousand," answered the upholder of +American honor; and then in a moment he added: "May I ask who gave you +the thousand francs?" + +"It was yourself, monsieur," said the obsequious waiter. + +Of quite an opposite mode of thought was another American visiting +London for the first time. Goaded to desperation by the incessant +necessity for tips, he finally entered the washroom of his hotel, only +to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please tip the basin after +using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the Yankee, turning on his heel, +"I'll go dirty first!" + + +Grant Alien relates that he was sitting one day under the shade of the +Sphinx, turning for some petty point of detail to his Baedeker. + +A sheik looked at him sadly, and shook his head. "Murray good," he said +in a solemn voice of warning; "Baedeker no good. What for you see +Baedeker?" + +"No, no; Baedeker is best," answered Mr. Alien. "Why do you object to +Baedeker?" + +The shick crossed his hands, and looked down at him with the pitying +eyes of Islam. "Baedeker bad book," he repeated; "Murray very, very +good. Murray say, 'Give the sheik half a crown'; Baedeker say, 'Give the +sheik a shilling.'" + + +"What do you consider the most important event in the history of Paris?" + +"Well," replied the tourist, who had grown weary of distributing tips, +"so far as financial prosperity is concerned, I should say the discovery +of America was the making of this town." + + +In telling this one, Miss Glaser always states that she does not want it +understood that she considers the Scotch people at all stingy; but they +are a very careful and thrifty race. + +An intimate friend of her's was very anxious to have a well known +Scotchman meet Miss Glaser, and gave her a letter of introduction to +him. Miss Glaser, wishing to show him all the attention possible, +invited him to a dinner which she was giving in London and after rather +an elaborate repast the bill was paid, the waiter returning five +shillings. She let it lie, intending, of course, to give it to the +waiter. The Scotchman glanced at the money very frequently, and finally +he said, his natural thrift getting the best of him: + +"Are you going to give all that to the waiter?" + +In a inimitable way, Miss Glaser quietly replied: + +"No, take some." + + +"A tip is a small sum of money you give to somebody because you're +afraid he won't like not being paid for something you haven't asked him +to do."--_The Bailie, Glasgow_. + + + + +TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY + + +An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of +friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The +good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was +entertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise and elation. + +While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant her +distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him. It was "My +Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do try that," "Take a +piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was nearly finished. + +The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, during +a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach the +pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mother +said: + +"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle." + + +Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the pages strict +orders that in the morning he was to go and knock at the Dean's door, +and when the Dean inquired who was knocking he was to say: "The boy, my +Lord." According to directions he knocked and the Dean asked: "Who is +there?" Embarrassed by the voice of the great man the page answered: +"The Lord, my boy." + + +"How did he get his title of colonel?" + +"He got it to distinguish him from his wife's first husband, who was a +captain, and his wife's second husband, who was a major." + + +For titles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on their +titles.--_Machiavelli_. + + +I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain +what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an +"Honest Man."--_George Washington_. + + + + +TOASTS + + +_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman. + + + + +TOBACCO + + +"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker. +"How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well, +and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in." + + +_See also_ Smoking. + + + + +TOURISTS + + +_See_ Liars; Travelers. + + + + +TRADE UNIONS + + +CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy all +the time?" + +ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir." + +"Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to be +happy eight hours a day." + + + + +TRAMPS + + +LADY--"Can't you find work?" + +TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer." + +LADY--"And can't you get one?" + +TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years." + + + + +TRANSMUTATION + + +Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories +and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for a +moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularly +noticeable sheath-gown passed. Simultaneously, Wood turned to Stone; +Stone turned to Wood; then both turned to rubber. + + + + +TRAVELERS + + +An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every point +of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a Shinto funeral. +Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the hotel, asking him to +instruct her guide to take her to one. The clerk was politeness itself. +He bowed gravely and replied: "I am very sorry, Madam, but this is not +the season for funerals." + + +A gentleman whose travel-talks are known throughout the world tells the +following on himself: + +"I was booked for a lecture one night at a little place in Scotland four +miles from a railway station. + +"The 'chairman' of the occasion, after introducing me as 'the mon wha's +coom here tae broaden oor intellects,' said that he felt a wee bit of +prayer would not be out of place. + +"'O Lord,' he continued, 'put it intae the heart of this mon tae speak +the truth, the hale truth, and naething but the truth, and gie us grace +tae understan' him.' + +"Then, with a glance at me, the chairman said, 'I've been a traveler +meself!'"--_Fenimore Marlin_. + + +Two young Americans touring Italy for the first time stopped off one +night at Pisa, where they fell in with a convivial party at a cafe. +Going hilariously home one pushed the other against a building and held +him there. + +"Great heavens!" cried the man next the wall, suddenly glancing up at +the structure above him. "See what we're doing!" Both roisterers fled. + +They left town on an early morning train, not thinking it safe to stay +over and see the famous leaning tower. + + +Mr. Hiram Jones had just returned from a personally conducted tour of +Europe. + +"I suppose," commented a friend, "that when you were in England you did +as the English do and dropped your H's." + +"No," moodily responded the returned traveller; "I didn't. I did as the +Americans do. I dropped my V's and X's." + +Then he slowly meandered down to the bank to see if he couldn't get the +mortgage extended.--_W. Hanny_. + + +A number of tourists were recently looking down the crater of Vesuvius. +An American gentleman said to his companion. + +"That looks a good deal like the infernal regions." + +An English lady, overhearing the remark, said to another: + +"Good gracious! How these Americans do travel." + + +An American tourist hailing from the west was out sight-seeing in +London. They took him aboard the old battle-ship _Victory_, which was +Lord Nelson's flagship in several of his most famous naval triumphs. An +English sailor escorted the American over the vessel, and coming to a +raised brass tablet on the deck he said, as he reverently removed his +hat: + +"'Ere, sir, is the spot where Lord Nelson fell." + +"Oh, is it?" replied the American, blankly. "Well, that ain't nothin'. I +nearly tripped on the blame thing myself." + + +On one of the famous scenic routes of the west there is a brakeman who +has lost the forefinger of his right hand. + +His present assignment as rear-end brakeman on a passenger train places +him in the observation car, where he is the target for an almost +unceasing fusillade of questions from tourists who insist upon having +the name, and, if possible, the history, of all the mountain canons and +points of interest along the route. + +One especially enthusiastic lady tourist had kept up her Gattling fire +of questions until she had thoroughly mastered the geography of the +country. Then she ventured to ask the brakeman how he had lost his +finger: + +"Cut off in making a coupling between cars, I suppose?" + +"No, madam; I wore that finger off pointing out scenery to tourists." + + +Know most of the rooms of thy native country before thou goest over the +threshold thereof.--_Fuller_. + +When I was at home, I was in a better place; but travelers must be +content.--_Shakespeare_. + +As the Spanish proverb says, "He who would bring home the wealth of the +Indies must carry the wealth of the Indies with him." So it is in +traveling: a man must carry knowledge with him, if he would bring home +knowledge.--_Samuel Johnson_. + + + + +TREASON + + +It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite, +criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords, +exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: "Why, it looks very much +like treason." + +Instantly came the answer in the Archbishop's best brogue: "Sure, +treason is reason when there's an absent 't'." + + + Treason doth never prosper: what's the reason? + Why if it prosper, none dare call it treason. + + + + +TREES + + +CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?" + +FATHER--"They do, my son." + +CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?" + +FATHER--"The pantry, my son." + + + + +TRIGONOMETRY + + +A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and +discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's +this man charged with?" + +"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives." + +The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such +ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry--that's +trigonometry." + + + + +TROUBLE + + +"What is the trouble, wifey?" + +"Nothing." + +"Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at +home or something that happened in a novel?" + + +It was married men's night at the revival meeting. + +"Let all you husbands who have troubles on your minds stand up!" shouted +the preacher at the height of his spasm. + +Instantly every man in the church arose except one. + +"Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering out at this lone individual, who +occupied a chair near the door. "You are one in a million." + +"It ain't that," piped back this one helplessly as the rest of the +congregation gazed suspiciously at him: "I can't get up--I'm paralyzed!" + + +JUDGE--"Your innocence is proved. You are acquitted." + +PRISONER (to the jury)--"Very sorry, indeed, gentlemen, to have given +you all this trouble for nothing." + + +A friend of mine, returning to his home in Virginia after several years' +absence, met one of the old negroes, a former servant of his family. +"Uncle Moses," he said, "I hear you got married." + +"Yes, Marse Tom, I is, and I's having a moughty troublesome time, Marse +Tom, moughty troublesome." + +"What's the trouble?" said my friend. + +"Why, dat yaller woman, Marse Tom. She all de time axin' me fer money. +She don't give me no peace." + +"How long have you been married, Uncle Moses?" + +"Nigh on ter two years, come dis spring." + +"And how much money have you given her?" + +"Well, I ain't done gin her none yit."--_Sue M.M. Halsey_. + + +If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear tight shoes. + + +Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear +three--all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to +have.--_Edward Everett Hale_. + + + + +TRUSTS + + +A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_. + + +TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg +dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates +correctly and indelibly as the egg is being laid." + +DEWLEY--"Is the machine on the market yet?" + +TOMKINS--"Oh, my no! and it won't be on the market. The patent was +bought by the Cold Storage Trust." + + + + +TRUTH + + + There was a young lady named Ruth, + Who had a great passion for truth. + She said she would die + Before she would lie, + And she died in the prime of her youth. + + +Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too +tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the truth. + + +Nature ... has buried truth deep in the bottom of the +sea.--_Democritus_. + + +"Tis strange--but true; for truth is always strange, Stranger than +fiction."--_Byron_. + + + + +TURKEYS + + +"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a +Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I +was a boy, as the central figure!" + +"Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of +them."--_Life_. + + + + +TUTORS + + + A tutor who tooted a flute + Tried to teach two young tooters to toot. + Said the two to the tutor, + "Is it harder to toot, or + To tutor two tutors to toot?" + + --_Carolyn Wells_. + + + + +TWINS + + +"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?" + +"Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I +know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_. + + + + +UMBRELLAS + + +A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card +bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs +to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in +ten minutes." On returning to seek his property he found in its place a +card thus inscribed: "This card was left here by a man who can run +twelve miles an hour. I shall not be back." + + +A reputable citizen had left four umbrellas to be repaired. At noon he +had luncheon in a restaurant, and as he was departing he absent-mindedly +started to take an umbrella from a hook near his hat. + +"That's mine, sir," said a woman at the next table. + +He apologized and went out. When he was going home in a street car with +his four repaired umbrellas, the woman he had seen in the restaurant got +in. She glanced from him to his umbrellas and said: + +"I see you had a good day." + + +"That's a swell umbrella you carry." + +"Isn't it?" + +"Did you come by it honestly?" + +"I haven't quite figured out. It started to rain the other day and I +stepped into a doorway to wait till it stopped. Then I saw a young +fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought if he was +going as far as my house I would beg the shelter of his timbershoot. So +I stepped out and asked: 'Where are you going with that umbrella, young +fellow?' and he dropped the umbrella and ran." + + +One day a man exhibited a handsome umbrella. "It's wonderful how I make +things last," he exclaimed. "Look at this umbrella, now. I bought it +eleven years ago. Since then I had it recovered twice. I had new ribs +put in in 1910, and last month I exchanged it for a new one in a +restaurant. And here it is--as good as new." + + + + +VALUE + + +"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no +idea of the value of money." + +"You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?" + +"Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have any +appreciation of all the things he might buy with it." + + + + +VANITY + + +MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough +ahlriddy." + +MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half as +good lookin' as Oi am." + + +"Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women are vain +and men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the +necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of his +collar." There were six men present and each of them put his hand gently +behind his neck. + + +A New York woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend, bringing +with her her eleven-year-old daughter, who gives promise of becoming as +great a beauty as her mother. + +It chanced that the callers were shown into a room where the friend had +been receiving a milliner, and there were several beautiful hats lying +about. During the conversation the little girl amused herself by +examining the milliner's creations. Of the number that she tried on, she +seemed particularly pleased with a large black affair which set off her +light hair charmingly. Turning to her mother, the little girl said: + +"I look just like you now, Mother, don't I?" + +"Sh!" cautioned the mother, with uplifted finger. "Don't be vain, dear." + + +That which makes the vanity of others unbearable to us is that which +wounds our own.--_La Rochefoucauld_. + + + + +VERSATILITY + + +A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply: + + "_Dear Sir_: + + "I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music + teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for + several years I beg to apply for the position." + + + + +VOICE + + +A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some +groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing through that stage +of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and his +vocal organs, rapidly developing, are wont to cause his voice to undergo +sudden and involuntary changes from high treble to low bass. + +In an authoritative rumbling bass voice he demanded of the busy clerk, +"Give me a can of corn" (then, his voice suddenly changing to a shrill +falsetto, he continued) "and a sack of flour." + +"Well, don't be in a hurry. I can't wait on both of you at once," +snapped the clerk. + + +ASPIRING VOCALIST--"Professor, do you think I will ever be able to do +anything with my voice?" + +PERSPIRING TEACHER--"Well it might come in handy in case of fire or +shipwreck."--_Cornell Widow_. + + + The devil hath not, in all his quiver's choice, + An arrow for the heart like a sweet voice. + + --_Byron_. + + + + +WAGES + + +"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more +line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia." +"Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty da month if da boss +eata me." + + +Commenting on the comparatively small salaries allowed by Congress for +services rendered in the executive branch of the Government and the more +liberal pay of some of the officials, a man in public life said: + +"It reminds me of the way a gang of laborers used to be paid down my +way. The money was thrown at a ladder, and what stuck to the rungs went +to the workers, while that which fell through went to the bosses." + + +A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing his +office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office boy, +comes in for his full share of the admonition. That his words were +appreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a conversation between +Tommy and another office boy on the same floor which he recently +overheard. + +"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy. + +"Ten thousand a year," replied Tommy. + +"Aw, g'wan!" + +"Sure," insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in cash, an' de +rest in legal advice." + + +While an Irishman was gazing in the window of a Washington bookstore the +following sign caught his eye: + + DICKENS' WORKS + ALL THIS WEEK FOR + ONLY $4.OO + +"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!" + + +The difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wages you +save two dollars a month, when you receive salary you borrow two dollars +a month. + + +He is well paid that is well satisfied.--_Shakespeare_. + + +The ideal social state is not that in which each gets an equal amount of +wealth, but in which each gets in proportion to his contribution to the +general stock.--_Henry George_. + + + + +WAITERS + + +Recipe for a waiter: + + Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please, + Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips; + Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce, + Roll in crumbs, melted butter and tips. + + --_Life_. + + + + +WAR + + +"Flag of truce, Excellency." + +"Well, what do the revolutionists want?" + +"They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of condensed +milk." + + +If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half full of +water, crawl into it, and stay there for a day or two without anything +to eat, get a lunatic to shoot at you with a brace of revolvers and a +machine gun, and you will have something just as good, and you will save +your country a great deal of expense. + + +"Who are those people who are cheering?" asked the recruit as the +soldiers marched to the train. + +"Those," replied the veteran, "are the people who are not +going."--_Puck_. + + + He who did well in war, just earns the right + To begin doing well in peace. + + --_Robert Browning_. + + +A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle +[patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some +reward.--_George Washington_. + + +_See also_ Arbitration, International; European War. + + + + +WARNINGS + + +Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at +railroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, but +assured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking. + +One hot day he was eating his noon luncheon on a pine log when he saw a +big rattler coiled a few feet in front of him. He eyed the serpent and +began to lift his legs over the log. He had barely got them out of the +way when the snake's fangs hit the bark beneath him. + +"Son of a guna!" yelled Pietro. "Why you no ringa da bell?" + + + + +WASHINGTON, GEORGE + + +A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about +George Washington, and finally she asked: + +"Can any one now tell me which Washington was--a great general or a +great admiral?" + +The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and she signaled him to +speak. + +"He was a great general," said the boy. "I seen a picture of him +crossing the Delaware, and no great admiral would put out from shore +standing up in a skiff." + + +A Scotsman visiting America stood gazing at a fine statue of George +Washington, when an American approached. + +"That was a great and good man, Sandy," said the American; "a lie never +passed his lips." + +"Weel," said the Scot, "I praysume he talked through his nose like the +rest of ye." + + + + +WASPS + + +The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it," in his own inimitable +way, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to hold on. + + + + +WASTE + + +The automobile rushed down the road--huge, gigantic, sublime. Over the +fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her husband is at the cafe +and she has thirteen little ones. (An unlucky number.) Suddenly upon the +thirteenth came the auto, unseeing, slew him, and hummed on, unknowing. +The woman who works hard and long rushed forward with hands, hands made +rough by toil, upraised. She paused and stood inarticulate--a goddess, +a giantess. Then she hurled forth these words of derision, of despair: +"Mon Dieu! And I'd just washed him!"--_Literally translated from Le +Sport of Paris_. + + +A Boston physician tells of the case of a ten-year-old boy, who, by +reason of an attack of fever, became deaf. The physician could afford +the lad but little relief, so the boy applied himself to the task of +learning the deaf-and-dumb alphabet. The other members of his family, +too, acquired a working knowledge of the alphabet, in order that they +might converse with the unfortunate youngster. + +During the course of the next few months, however, Tommy's hearing +suddenly returned to him, assisted no doubt by a slight operation +performed by the physician. + +Every one was, of course, delighted, particularly the boy's mother, who +one day exclaimed: + +"Oh, Tommy, isn't it delightful to talk to and hear us again?" + +"Yes," assented Tommy, but with a degree of hesitation; "but here we've +all learned the sign language, and we can't find any more use for it!" + + + + +WEALTH + + +If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you want +to get rich you must go about it in some other way. + + +The traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to have got together +in the first place.--_Puck_. + + +He that is proud of riches is a fool. For if he be exalted above his +neighbors because he hath more gold, how much inferior is he to a gold +mine!--_Jeremy Taylor_. + + + + +WEATHER + + +"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of the +returned traveler. + +"You don't have to find the weather in London," replied the traveler. +"It bumps into you at every corner." + + +An American and a Scotsman were discussing the cold experienced in +winter in the North of Scotland. + +"Why, it's nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the States," +said the American. "I can recollect one winter when a sheep, jumping +from a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen on the way, and +stuck in the air like a mass of ice." + +"But, man," exclaimed the Scotsman, "the law of gravity wouldn't allow +that." + +"I know that," replied the tale-pitcher. "But the law of gravity was +frozen, too!" + + +Two commercial travelers, one from London and one from New York, were +discussing the weather in their respective countries. + +The Englishman said that English weather had one great fault--its sudden +changes. + +"A person may take a walk one day," he said, "attired in a light summer +suit, and still feel quite warm. Next day he needs an overcoat." + +"That's nothing," said the American. "My two friends, Johnson and Jones, +were once having an argument. There were eight or nine inches of snow on +the ground. The argument got heated, and Johnson picked up a snowball +and threw it at Jones from a distance of not more than five yards. +During the transit of that snowball, believe me or not, as you like, the +weather changed and became hot and summer like, and Jones, instead of +being hit with a snowball, was--er--scalded with hot water!" + + +Ex-President Taft on one of his trips was playing golf on a western +links when he noticed that he had a particularly good caddie, an old man +of some sixty years, as they have on the Scottish links. + +"And what do you do in winter?" asked the President. + +"Such odd jobs as I can pick up, sir," replied the man. + +"Not much chance for caddying then, I suppose?" asked the President. + +"No, sir, there is not," replied the man with a great deal of warmth. +"When there's no frost there's sure to be snow, and when there's no +snow there's frost, and when there's neither there's sure to be rain. +And the few days when it's fine they're always Sundays." + + +On the way to the office of his publishers one crisp fall morning, James +Whitcomb Riley met an unusually large number of acquaintances who +commented conventionally upon the fine weather. This unremitting +applause amused him. When greeted at the office with "Nice day, Mr. +Riley," he smiled broadly. + +"Yes," he agreed. "Yes, I've heard it very highly spoken of." + + +The darky in question had simmered in the heat of St. Augustine all his +life, and was decoyed by the report that colored men could make as much +as $4 a day in Duluth. + +He headed North in a seersucker suit and into a hard winter. At Chicago, +while waiting for a train, he shivered in an engine room, and on the way +to Duluth sped by miles of snow fields. + +On arriving he found the mercury at 18 below and promptly lost the use +of his hands. Then his feet stiffened and he lost all sensation. + +They picked him up and took him to a crematory for unknown dead. After +he had been in the oven for awhile somebody opened the door for +inspection. Rastus came to and shouted: + +"Shut dat do' and close dat draff!" + + + There was a small boy in Quebec, + Who was buried in snow to his neck; + When they said, "Are you friz?" + He replied, "Yes, I is-- + But we don't call this cold in Quebec." + + --_Rudyard Kipling_. + + +Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow is +exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only +different kinds of good weather.--_Ruskin_. + + + + +WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES + + +Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, and was +walking majestically up and down the street. + +"Aren't you working to-day, Uncle?" asked somebody. + +"No, suh. I'se celebrating' mah golden weddin' suh." + +"You were married fifty years ago to-day, then!" + +"Yes, suh." + +"Well, why isn't your wife helping you to celebrate?" + +"Mah present wife, suh," replied Uncle Ephraim with dignity, "ain't got +nothin' to do with it." + + + + +WEDDING PRESENTS + + +Among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural section +of Virginia, was one that was a gift of an old woman with whom both +bride and groom were great favorites. + +Some time ago, it appears, the old woman accumulated a supply of +cardboard mottoes, which she worked and had framed as occasion arose. + +So it happened that in a neat combination of blues and reds, suspended +by a cord of orange, there hung over the table whereon the other +presents were displayed for the delectation of the wedding guests, this +motto: + + FIGHT ON; FIGHT EVER. + + + + +WEDDINGS + + +An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose bride +had been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the wedding +invitations: "Be sure and come; this is no amateur performance." + + +A wealthy young woman from the west was recently wedded to a member of +the nobility of England, and the ceremony occurred in the most +fashionable of London churches--St. George's. + +Among the guests was a cousin of the bride, as sturdy an American as can +be imagined. He gave an interesting summary of the wedding when asked by +a girl friend whether the marriage was a happy one. + +"Happy? I should say it was," said the cousin. "The bride was happy, her +mother was overjoyed, Lord Stickleigh, the groom, was in ecstasies, and +his creditors, I understand, were in a state of absolute bliss."--_Edwun +Tarrisse_. + + +The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking +young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about +as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself +to cheer him up. + +"Er--have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction. + +"Not lately," replied the gloomy one with a far-away expression. + + +The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach +the significance of white to a Sunday-school class. + +"Why," said he, "does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white +at her marriage?" + +As no one answered, he explained. "White," said he, "stands for joy, and +the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman's life." + +A small boy queried, "Why do the men all wear black?"--_M.J. Moor_. + + +Lilly May came to her mistress. "Ah would like a week's vacation, Miss +Annie," she said, in her soft negro accent; "Ah wants to be married." + +Lillie had been a good girl, so her mistress gave her the week's +vacation, a white dress, a veil and a plum-cake. + +Promptly at the end of the week Lillie returned, radiant. "Oh, Miss +Annie!" she exclaimed, "Ah was the mos' lovely bride! Ma dress was +pcrfec', ma veil mos' lovely, the cake mos' good! An' oh, the dancin' +an' the eatin'!" + +"Well, Lillie, this sounds delightful," said her mistress, "but you have +left out the point of your story--I hope you have a good husband." + +Lillie's tone changed to indignation: "Now, Miss Annie, what yo' think? +Tha' darn nigger nebber turn up!" + + +There is living in Illinois a solemn man who is often funny without +meaning to be. At the time of his wedding, he lived in a town some +distance from the home of the bride. The wedding was to be at her house. +On the eventful day the solemn man started for the station, but on the +way met the village grocer, who talked so entertainingly that the +bridegroom missed his train. + +Naturally he was in a "state." Something must be done, and done quickly. +So he sent the following telegram: + + Don't marry till I come.--HENRY. + +--_Howard, Morse_. + + +In all the wedding cake, hope is the sweetest of the plums.--_Douglas +Jerrold_. + + + + +WEIGHTS AND MEASURES + + +"Didn't I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day until ye +had her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward a sickly, +emaciated cat that was slinking through the store. + +"Ye did thot," replied the assistant, "an" I've just been after feedin' +her a pound of meat this very minute." + +"Faith, an' I don't believe ye. Bring me the scales." + +The poor cat was lifted into the scales. Thy balancd at exactly one +pound. + +"There!" exclaimed the assistant triumphantly. "Didn't I tell ye she'd +had her pound of meat?" + +"That's right," admitted the boss, scratching his head. "That's yer +pound of meat all right. But"--suddenly looking up--"where the divvil is +the cat?" + + + + +WELCOMES + + +When Ex-President Taft was on his transcontinental tour, American flags +and Taft pictures were in evidence everywhere. Usually the Taft pictures +contained a word of welcome under them. Those who heard the President's +laugh ring out will not soon forget the western city which, directly +under the barred window of the city lockup, displayed a Taft picture +with the legend "Welcome" on it.--_Hugh Morist_. + + + Come in the evening, or come in the morning, + Come when you're looked for, or come without warning, + Kisses and welcome you'll find here before you, + And the oftener you come here the more I'll adore you. + + --_Thomas O. Davis_. + + + + +WEST, THE + + +EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)--"The idea of calling this the +'Wild-West'! Why, I never saw such politeness anywhere." + +COWBOY--"We're allers perlite to ladies, ma'am." + +EASTERN LADY--"Oh, as for that, there is plenty of politeness +everywhere. But I refer to the men. Why, in New York the men behave +horribly towards one another; but here they treat one another as +delicately as gentlemen in a drawing-room." + +COWBOY--"Yes, ma'am; it's safer."--_Abbie C. Dixon_. + + + + +WHISKY + + +This is from an Irish priest's sermon, as quoted in Samuel M. Hussey's +"Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": "'It's whisky makes you bate +your wives; it's whisky makes your homes desolate; it's whisky makes you +shoot your landlords, and'--with emphasis, as he thumped the +pulpit--'it's whisky makes you miss them.'" + + +In a recent trial of a "bootlegger" in western Kentucky a witness +testified that he had purchased some "squirrel" whisky from the +defendant. + +"Squirrel whisky?" questioned the court. + +"Yes, you know: the kind that makes you talk nutty and want to climb +trees." + + +General Carter, who went to Texas in command of the regulars sent south +for maneuvers along the Mexican border, tells this story of an old Irish +soldier: The march had been a long and tiresome one, and as the bivouac +was being made for the night, the captain noticed that Pat was looking +very much fatigued. Thinking that a small drop of whisky might do him +good, the captain called Pat aside and said, "Pat, will you have a wee +drink of whisky?" Pat made no answer, but folded his arms in a +reverential manner and gazed upward. The captain repeated the question +several times, but no answer from Pat, who stood silent and motionless, +gazing devoutly into the sky. Finally the captain, taking him by the +shoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said: "Pat, why don't you +answer? I said, 'Pat, will you have a drink of whisky?'" After looking +around in considerable astonishment Pat replied: "And is it yez, +captain? Begorrah and I thought it was an angel spakin' to me." + + +_See_ also Drinking. + + + + +WHISKY BREATH + + +_See_ Breath. + + + + +WIDOWS + + +During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlor +one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not," replied the +other. "Are you?" + +"No," was the reply, "I, too, am on the single list," adding: "Strange +that two such estimable women as ourselves should have been overlooked +in the great matrimonial market! Now that lady," pointing to another who +was passing, "has been widowed four times, two of her husbands having +been cremated. The woman," she continued, "is plain and uninteresting, +and yet she has them to burn." + + + + +WIND + + +VISITOR--"What became of that other windmill that was here last year?" + +NATIVE--"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it down." + + + Whichever way the wind doth blow + Some heart is glad to have it so; + Then blow it east, or blow it west, + The wind that blows, that wind is best. + + --_Caroline A. Mason_. + + + + +WINDFALLS + + +A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped in a +widow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home worth about +$30,000 more than when he started. + + + + +WINE + + + When our thirsty souls we steep, + Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep. + Talk of monarchs! we are then + Richest, happiest, first of men. + + When I drink, my heart refines + And rises as the cup declines; + Rises in the genial flow, + That none but social spirits know. + + To-day we'll haste to quaff our wine, + As if to-morrow ne'er should shine; + But if to-morrow comes, why then-- + We'll haste to quaff our wine again. + + Let me, oh, my budding vine, + Spill no other blood than thine. + Yonder brimming goblet see, + That alone shall vanquish me. + + I pray thee, by the gods above, + Give me the mighty howl I love, + And let me sing, in wild delight. + "I will--I will be mad to-night!" + + When Father Time swings round his scythe, + Intomb me 'neath the bounteous vine, + So that its juices red and blythe, + May cheer these thirsty bones of mine. + + --_Eugene Field_. + + +_See also_ Drinking. + + + + +WISHES + + +George Washington drew a long sigh and said: "Ah wish Ah had a hundred +watermillions." + +Dixie's eyes lighted. "Hum! Dat would suttenly be fine! An' ef yo' had a +hundred watermillions would yo' gib me fifty?" + +"No, Ah wouldn't." + +"Wouldn't yo' give me twenty-five?" + +"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' no twenty-five." + +Dixie gaxed with reproachful eyes at his close-fisted friend. "Seems to +me, you's powahful stingy, George Washington," he said, and then +continued in a heartbroken voice. "Wouldn't yo' gib me one?" + +"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' one. Look a' heah, nigger! Are yo' so good for +nuffen lazy dat yo' cahn't wish fo' yo' own watermillions?" + + + "Man wants but little here below + Nor wants that little long," + 'Tis not with me exactly so; + But'tis so in the song. + My wants are many, and, if told, + Would muster many a score; + And were each a mint of gold, + I still should long for more. + + --_John Quincy Adams_. + + + + +WITNESSES + + +"The trouble is," said Wilkins as he talked the matter over with his +counsel, "that in the excitement of the moment I admitted that I had +been going too fast, and wasn't paying any attention to the road just +before the collision. I'm afraid that admission is going to prove +costly." + +"Don't wory about that," said his lawyer. "I'll bring seven witnesses +to testify that they wouldn't believe you under oath." + + +On his eighty-fourth birthday, Paul Smith, the veteran Adirondock +hotel-keeper, who started life as a guide and died owning a million +dollars' worth of forest land, was talking about boundary disputes +with an old friend. + +"Didn't you hear of the lawsuit over a title that I had with Jones +down in Malone last summer?" asked Paul. The friend had not heard. + +"Well," said Paul, "it was this way. I sat in the court room before +the case opened with my witnesses around me. Jones busted in, stopped, +looked my witnesses over carefully, and said: 'Paul, are those your +witnesses?' 'They are,' said I. 'Then you win,' said he. 'I've had +them witnesses twice myself.'" + + + + +WIVES + + +"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?" + +"I believe so, my son," said the father. + +"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me +death?'"--_Town Topics_. + + +A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman who +lived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passage +concerning Solomon's household. + +"Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old woman, +after reflection. + +"Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated in the Bible." + +"Lor', mum!" was the comment. "What privileges them early Christians +had!" + + +CASEY--"Now, phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot?" + +CLANCY--"Loike phwat?" + +CASEY--"Th' walkin' diligate tils me to stroike, an' me ould woman +orders me to ke-ape on wurrkin'." + + +Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, was taken to task because he had +made a certain appointment, a friend maintaining that another man +should have received the place. The governor listened quietly and then +said: + +"Did I ever tell you about Mose Williams? One day Mose sought his +employer, an acquaintance of mine, and inquired: + +"'Say, boss, is yo' gwine to town t'morrer?' + +"'I think so. Why?' + +"'Well, hit's dishaway. Me an' Easter Johnson's gwine to git mahred, +an' Ah 'lowed to ax yo' ter git a pair of licenses fo' me." + +"I shall be delighted to oblige you, Mose, and I hope you will be very +happy." + +"The next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old man was +waiting for him. + +"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly. + +"'Yes, here they are.' + +"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry +yo' got 'em, boss!' + +"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?' + +"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry +Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis' +Mason's, for she sholy can cook!' + +"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost +you fifty cents more.' + +"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change +made. Again he found Mose waiting for him. + +"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?' + +"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.' + +"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter +Johnson after all.' + +"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you +change your mind again?' + +"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't +fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'" + + +A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew +on buttons before they come off. + + +"What are you cutting out of the paper?" + +"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went +through his pockets." + +"What are you going to do with it?" + +"Put it in my pocket." + + +A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight +wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth, +and so on, but her feet especially amazed them. + +"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!" + +"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary. + +"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?" + +"Yes." + +"Then you must be as strong as a man!" + +"I am." + +"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your +husband--would you?" + +"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said. + +The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads. +Then the oldest said softly: + +"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. +He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_. + + +PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike." + +MIKE--"She is thot." + +PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?" + +MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!" + + +SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out." + +MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's +all." + +SON--"May I stay up till he does?" + + +"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who +wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon." + + +It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged +his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big, +square-jawed woman with a determined eye. + +"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to +your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge. + +"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare +defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of +overtook me." + + +"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return +one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!" + +"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?" + +"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears. + +"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!" + +Flora dried her tears. + +"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to +you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, +I--I opened it." + +"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly. + +"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?" + +"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?" + +"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into +fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't +f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'" +"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly. + +"'Yes, here they are.' + +"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry +yo' got 'em, boss!' + +"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?' + +"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry +Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis' +Mason's, for she sholy can cook!' + +"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost +you fifty cents more.' + +"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change +made. Again he found Mose waiting for him. + +"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?' + +"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.' + +"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter +Johnson after all.' + +"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you +change your mind again?' + +"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't +fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'" + + +A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew +on buttons before they come off. + + +"What are you cutting out of the paper?" + +"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went +through his pockets." + +"What are you going to do with it?" + +"Put it in my pocket." + + +A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight +wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth, +and so on, but her feet especially amazed them. + +"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!" + +"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary. + +"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?" + +"Yes." + +"Then you must be as strong as a man!" + +"I am." + +"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your +husband--would you?" + +"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said. + +The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads. +Then the oldest said softly: + +"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. +He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_. + + +PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike." + +MIKE--"She is thot." + +PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?" + +MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!" + + +SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out." + +MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's +all." + +SON--"May I stay up till he does?" + + +"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who +wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon." + + +It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged +his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big, +square-jawed woman with a determined eye. + +"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to +your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge. + +"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare +defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of +overtook me." + + +"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return +one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!" + +"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?" + +"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears. + +"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!" + +Flora dried her tears. + +"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to +you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, +I--I opened it." + +"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly. + +"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?" + +"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?" + +"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into +fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't +f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'" + + +"By jove, I left my purse under the pillow!" + +"Oh, well, your servant is honest, isn't she?" + +"That's just it. She'll take it to my wife." + + + There swims no goose so gray, but soon or late + She finds some honest gander for her mate. + + --_Pope_. + + +A clerk showed forty patterns of ginghams to a man whose wife had sent +him to buy some for her for Christmas, and at every pattern the man +said: "My wife said she didn't want anything like that." + +The clerk put the last piece back on the shelf. "Sir," he said, "you +don't want gingham. What you want is a divorce." + + +Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are +wives.--_Shakespeare_. + + In the election of a wife, as in + A project of war, to err but once is + To be undone forever. + + --_Thomas Middleton_. + + + Of earthly goods, the best is a good wife; + A bad, the bitterest curse of human life. + + --_Simonides_. + + +_See also_ Domestic finance; Suffragettes; Talkers; Temper; Woman +suffrage. + + + + +WOMAN + + +Woman--the only sex which attaches more importance to what's on its head +than to what's in it. + + +"How very few statues there are of real women." + +"Yes! it's hard to get them to look right." + +"How so?" + +"A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn't seem true to life." + + + "Oh, woman! in our hours of ease + Uncertain, coy, and hard to please"-- + So wrote Sir Walter long ago. + But how, pray, could he really know? + If woman fair he strove to please, + Where did he get his "hours of ease"? + + --_George B. Morewood_. + + +MISS SCRIBBLE-"The heroine of my next story is to be one of those modern +advanced girls who have ideas of their own and don't want to get +married." + +THE COLONEL (politely)-"Ah, indeed, I don't think I ever met that +type."--_Life_. + + + You are a dear, sweet girl, + God bless you and keep you-- + Wish I could afford to do so. + + +Here's to man--he can afford anything he can get. Here's to woman--she +can afford anything that she can get a man to get for her.--_George +Ade_. + + + Here's to the soldier and his arms, + Fall in, men, fall in; + Here's to woman and her arms, + Fall in, men, fall in! + + +Most Southerners are gallant. An exception is the Georgian who gave his +son this advice: + +"My boy, never run after a woman or a street car--there will be another +one along in a minute or two." + + + Here's to the maid of bashful fifteen; + Here's to the widow of fifty; + Here's to the flaunting, extravagant queen; + And here's to the housewife that's thrifty. + Chorus: + Let the toast pass,-- + Drink to the lass, + I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass. + + --_Sheridan_. + + + + Here's to the ladies, the good, young ladies; + But not too good, for the good die young, + And we want no dead ones. + And here's to the good old ladies, + But not too old, for we want no dyed ones. + + +When a woman repulses, beware. When a woman beckons, +bewarer.--_Henriette Corkland_. + + +The young woman had spent a busy day. + +She had browbeaten fourteen salespeople, bullyragged a floor-walker, +argued victoriously with a milliner, laid down the law to a modiste, +nipped in the bud a taxi chauffeur's attempt to overcharge her, made a +street car conductor stop the car in the middle of a block for her, +discharged her maid and engaged another, and otherwise refused to allow +herself to be imposed upon. + +Yet she did not smile that evening when a young man begged: + +"Let me be your protector through life!" + + +I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like +their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their +_silence.--Samuel Johnson_. + + + Auld Nature swears, the lovely dears + Her noblest work she classes, O: + Her 'prentice hand she tried on man, + An' then she made the lasses, O. + + --_Burns_. + + + Not from his head was woman took, + As made her husband to o'erlook; + Not from his feet, as one designed + The footstool of the stronger kind; + But fashioned for himself, a bride; + An equal, taken from his side. + + --_Charles Wesley_. + + +_See also_ Mice; Mothers; Smoking; Suffragettes; Wives; Woman suffrage. + + + + +WOMAN SUFFRAGE + + +WOMAN VOTER--"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I absolutely +refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones woman." + + +Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked recently how she stood on the vote for +women question. She replied she didn't "stand at all," and told a +story about a New England farmer's wife who had no very romantic ideas +about the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from churn to sink, from +sink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wanted +to vote. "No, I certainly don't! I say if there's one little thing +that the men folks can do alone, for goodness sakes let 'em do it!" +she replied. + + +MR. E.N. QUIRE--"What are those women mauling that man for?" + +MRS. HENBALLOT--"He insulted us by saying that the suffrage movement +destroyed our naturally timid sweetness and robbed us of all our +gentleness." + + +"Did you cast your vote, Aunty?" + +"Oh, yes! Isn't it grand? A real nice gentleman with a beautiful +moustache and yellow spats marked my ballot for me. I know I should +have marked it myself, but it seemed to please him greatly." + + +"Does your wife want to vote?" + +"No. She wants a larger town house, a villa on the sea coast and a new +limousine car every six months. I'd be pleased most to death if she +could fix her attention on a smaller matter like the vote." + + +"What you want, I suppose, is to vote, just like the men do." + +"Certainly not," replied Mrs. Baring-Banners. "If we couldn't do any +better than that there would be no use of our voting." + + +"There's only one thing I can think of to head off this suffrage +movement," said the mere man. + +"What is that?" asked his wife. + +"Make the legal age for voting thirty-five instead of +twenty-one."--_Catholic Universe_. + + +MAMIE--"I believe in woman's rights." + +GERTIE--"Then you think every woman should have a vote?" + +MAMIE--"No; but I think every woman should have a voter."--_The +Woman's Journal_. + + +During the Presidential campaign the question of woman suffrage was +much discussed among women pro and con, and at an afternoon tea the +conversation turned that way between the women guests. + +"Are you a woman suffragist?" asked the one who was most interested. + +"Indeed, I am not," replied the other most emphatically. + +"Oh, that's too bad, but just supposing you were, whom would you +support in the present campaign?" + +"The same man I've always supported, of course," was the apt +reply--"my husband." + + +_See also_ Suffragettes. + + + +WOMEN'S CLUBS + + +_See_ Clubs. + + + +WORDS + + +_See_ Authors. + + + +WORK + + + All work and no play + Makes Jack surreptitiously gay. + + +"Wot cheer, Alf? Yer lookin' sick; wot is it?" + +"Work! nuffink but work, work, work, from mornin' till night!" + +'"Ow long 'ave yer been at it?" + +"Start tomorrow."--_Punch_. + + +Several men were discussing the relative importance and difficulty of +mental and physical work, and one of them told the following +experience: + +"Several years ago, a tramp, one of the finest specimens of physical +manhood that I have ever seen, dropped into my yard and asked me for +work. The first day I put him to work helping to move some heavy +rocks, and he easily did as much work as any two other men, and yet +was as fresh as could be at the end of the day. + +"The next morning, having no further use for him, I told him he could +go; but he begged so hard to remain that I let him go into the cellar +and empty some apple barrels, putting the good apples into one barrel +and throwing away the rotten ones--about a half hour's work. + +"At the end of two hours he was still in the cellar, and I went down +to see what the trouble was. I found him only half through, but almost +exhausted, beads of perspiration on his brow. + +"'What's the matter?' I asked. 'Surely that work isn't hard.' + +"'No not hard,' he replied. 'But the strain on the judgment is +_awful_.'" + + +_See also_ Rest cure. + + + + +WORMS + + +A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and +the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the event +she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. Picking +up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the admiring crowd. + +"Isn't this perfectly gorgeous!" she exclaimed. "Just think, it came +from a poor little insignificant worm!" + +Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and said: +"Yes, darn it, an' I'm that worm!" + + + + +YALE UNIVERSITY + + +The new cook, who had come into the household during the holidays, +asked her mistress: + +"Where ban your son? I not seeing him round no more." + +"My son," replied the mistress pridefully. "Oh, he has gone back to +Yale. He could only get away long enough to stay until New Year's day, +you see. I miss him dreadfully, tho." + +"Yas, I knowing yoost how you feel. My broder, he ban in yail sax +times since Tanksgiving." + + + + +YONKERS + + +An American took an Englishman to a theater. An actor in the farce, +about to die, exclaimed: "Please, dear wife, don't bury me in +Yonkers!" + +The Englishman turned to his friend and said: "I say, old chap, what +_are_ yonkers?" + + + + +"YOU" + + + Here's to the world, the merry old world, + To its days both bright and blue; + Here's to our future, be it what it may, + And here's to my best--that's you! + + + + +ZONES + + +TEACHER--"How many zones has the earth?" + +PUPIL--"Five." + +TEACHER--"Correct. Name them." + +PUPIL--"Temperate zone, intemperate, canal, horrid, and o."--_Life_. + + + + +INDEX + + ABILITY + ABOLITION + ABSENT-MINDEDNESS + ACCIDENTS + ACTING + ACTORS AND ACTRESSES + ADAPTATION + ADDRESSES + ADVERTISING + ADVICE + AERONAUTICS + AEROPLANES + AFTER DINNER SPEECHES + AGE + AGENTS + AGRICULTURE + ALARM CLOCKS + ALERTNESS + ALIBI + ALIMONY + ALLOWANCES + ALTRUISM + AMBITION + AMERICAN GIRL + AMERICANS + AMUSEMENTS + ANATOMY + ANCESTRY + ANGER + ANNIVERSARIES + ANTIDOTES + APPEARANCES + APPLAUSE + ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL + ARITHMETIC + ARMIES + ARMY RATIONS + ART + ARTISTS + ATHLETES + ATTENTION + AUTHORS + AUTOMOBILES + AUTOMOBILING + AVIATION + AVIATORS + + BABIES + BACCALAUREATE SERMONS + BACTERIA + BADGES + BAGGAGE + BALDNESS + BANKS AND BANKING + BAPTISM + BAPTISTS + BARGAINS + BASEBALL + BATHS AND BATHING + BAZARS + BEARDS + BEAUTY + BEAUTY, PERSONAL + BEDS + BEER + BEES + BEETLES + BEGGING + BETTING + BIBLE INTERPRETATION + BIGAMY + BILLS + BIRTHDAYS + BLUFFING + BLUNDERS + BOASTING + BONANZAS + BOOKKEEPING + BOOKS AND READING + BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING + BOOKWORMS + BOOMERANGS + BORES + BORROWERS + BOSSES + BOSTON + BOXING + BOYS + BREAKFAST FOODS + BREATH + BREVITY + BRIBERY + BRIDES + BRIDGE WHIST + BROOKLYN + BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS + BUILDINGS + BURGLARS + BUSINESS + BUSINESS ENTERPRISE + BUSINESS ETHICS + BUSINESS WOMEN + + CAMPAIGNS + CAMPING + CANDIDATES + CANNING AND PRESERVING + CAPITALISTS + CAREFULNESS + CARPENTERS + CARVING + CASTE + CATS + CAUSE AND EFFECT + CAUTION + CHAMPAGNE + CHARACTER + CHARITY + CHICAGO + CHICKEN STEALING + CHILD LABOR + CHILDREN + CHOICES + CHOIRS + CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS + CHRISTIANS + CHRISTMAS GIFTS + CHRONOLOGY + CHURCH ATTENDANCE + CHURCH DISCIPLINE + CIRCUS + CIVILIZATION + CLEANLINESS + CLERGY + CLIMATE + CLOTHING + CLUBS + COAL DEALERS + COEDUCATION + COFFEE + COINS + COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS + COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING + COLLEGE GRADUATES + COLLEGE STUDENTS + COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES + COMMON SENSE + COMMUTERS + COMPARISONS + COMPENSATION + COMPETITION + COMPLIMENTS + COMPOSERS + COMPROMISES + CONFESSIONS + CONGRESS + CONGRESSMEN + CONSCIENCE + CONSEQUENCES + CONSIDERATION + CONSTANCY + CONTRIBUTION BOX + CONUNDRUMS + CONVERSATION + COOKERY + COOKS + CORNETS + CORNS + CORPULENCE + COSMOPOLITANISM + COST OF LIVING + COUNTRY LIFE + COURAGE + COURTESY + COURTS + COURTSHIP + COWARDS + COWS + CRITICISM + CRUELTY + CUCUMBERS + CULTURE + CURFEW + CURIOSITY + CYCLONES + + DACHSHUNDS + DAMAGES + DANCING + DEAD BEATS + DEBTS + DEER + DEGREES + DEMOCRACY + DEMOCRATIC PARTY + DENTISTRY + DENTISTS + DESCRIPTION + DESIGN, DECORATIVE + DESTINATION + DETAILS + DETECTIVES + DETERMINATION + DIAGNOSIS + DIET + DILEMMAS + DINING + DIPLOMACY + DISCIPLINE + DISCOUNTS + DISCRETION + DISPOSITION + DISTANCES + DIVORCE + DOGS + DOMESTIC FINANCE + DOMESTIC RELATIONS + DRAMA + DRAMATIC CRITICISM + DRAMATISTS + DRESSMAKERS + DRINKING + DROUGHTS + DRUNKARDS + DYSPEPSIA + + ECHOES + ECONOMY + EDITORS + EDUCATION + EFFICIENCY + EGOTISM + ELECTIONS + ELECTRICITY + EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS + EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES + ENEMIES + ENGLAND + ENGLISH LANGUAGE + ENGLISHMEN + ENTHUSIASM + EPITAPHS + EPITHETS + EQUALITY + ERMINE + ESCAPES + ETHICS + ETIQUET + EUROPEAN WAR + EVIDENCE + EXAMINATIONS + EXCUSES + EXPOSURE + EXTORTION + EXTRAVAGANCE + + FAILURES + FAITH + FAITHFULNESS + FAME + FAMILIES + FAREWELLS + FASHION + FATE + FATHERS + FAULTS + FEES + FEET + FIGHTING + FINANCE + FINGER-BOWLS + FIRE DEPARTMENTS + FIRE ESCAPES + FIRES + FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY + FISH + FISHERMEN + FISHING + FLATS + FLATTERY + FLIES + FLIRTATION + FLOWERS + FOOD + FOOTBALL + FORDS + FORECASTING + FORESIGHT + FORGETFULNESS + FORTUNE HUNTERS + FOUNTAIN PENS + FOURTH OF JULY + FREAKS + FREE THOUGHT + FRENCH LANGUAGE + FRESHMEN + FRIENDS + FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF + FRIENDSHIP + FUN + FUNERALS + FURNITURE + FUTURE LIFE + + GARDENING + GAS STOVES + GENEROSITY + GENTLEMEN + GERMANS + GHOSTS + GIFTS + GLUTTONY + GOLF + GOOD FELLOWSHIP + GOSSIP + GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP + GOVERNORS + GRAFT + GRATITUDE + GREAT BRITAIN + GRIEF + GUARANTEES + GUESTS + + HABIT + HADES + HAPPINESS + HARNESSING + HARVARD UNIVERSITY + HASH + HASTE + HEALTH RESORTS + HEARING + HEAVEN + HEIRLOOMS + HELL + HEREDITY + HEROES + HIGH COST OF LIVING + HINTING + HOME + HOMELINESS + HOMESTEADS + HONESTY + HONOR + HOPE + HORSES + HOSTS + HOTELS + HUNGER + HUNTING + HURRY + HUSBANDS + HYBRIDIZATION + HYPERBOLE + HYPOCRISY + + IDEALS + ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS + IMAGINATION + IMITATION + INFANTS + INQUISITIVENESS + INSANITY + INSPIRATIONS + INSTALMENT PLAN + INSTRUCTIONS + INSURANCE, LIFE + INSURANCE BLANKS + INSURGENTS + INTERVIEWS + INVITATIONS + IRISH BULLS + IRISHMEN + IRREVERENCE + IDEALS + ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS + IMAGINATION + IMITATION + INFANTS + INQUISITIVENESS + INSANITY + INSPIRATIONS + INSTALMENT PLAN + INSTRUCTIONS + INSURANCE, LIFE + INSURANCE BLANKS + INSURGENTS + INTERVIEWS + INVITATIONS + IRISH BULLS + IRISHMEN + IRREVERENCE + + JAMES, HENRY + JEWELS + JEWS + JOKES + JOURNALISM + JUDGES + JUDGMENT + JURY + JUSTICE + JUVENILE DELINQUENCY + + KENTUCKY + KINDNESS + KINGS AND RULERS + KISSES + KNOWLEDGE + KULTUR + + LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES + LADIES + LANDLORDS + LANGUAGES + LAUGHTER + LAW + LAWYERS + LAZINESS + LEAP YEAR + LEGISLATORS + LIARS + LIBERTY + LIBRARIANS + LIFE + LISPING + LOST AND FOUND + LOVE + LOYALTY + LUCK + + MAINE + MAKING GOOD + MALARIA + MARKS(WO)MANSHIP + MARRIAGE + MARRIAGE FEES + MATHEMATICS + MATRIMONY + MEASURING INSTRUMENTS + MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS + MEDICINE + MEEKNESS + MEMORIALS + MEMORY + MEN + MESSAGES + METAPHOR + MICE + MIDDLE CLASSES + MILITANTS + MILITARY DISCIPLINE + MILLINERS + MILLIONAIRES + MINORITIES + MISERS + MISSIONARIES + MISSIONS + MISTAKEN IDENTITY + MOLLYCODDLES + MONEY + MORAL EDUCATION + MOSQUITOES + MOTHERS + MOTHERS-IN-LAW + MOTORCYCLES + MOUNTAINS + MOVING PICTURES + MUCK-RAKING + MULES + MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT + MUSEUMS + MUSIC + MUSICIANS + + NAMES, PERSONAL + NATIVES + NATURE LOVERS + NAVIGATION + NEATNESS + NEGROES + NEIGHBORS + NEW JERSEY + NEW YORK CITY + NEWS + NEWSPAPERS + + OBESITY + OBITUARIES + OBSERVATION + OCCUPATIONS + OCEAN + OFFICE BOYS + OFFICE-SEEKERS + OLD AGE + OLD MASTERS + ONIONS + OPERA + OPPORTUNITY + OPTIMISM + ORATORS + OUTDOOR LIFE + + PAINTING + PAINTINGS + PANICS + PARENTS + PARROTS + PARTNERSHIP + PASSWORDS + PATIENCE + PATRIOTISM + PENSIONS + PESSIMISM + PHILADELPHIA + PHILANTHROPISTS + PHILOSOPHY + PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS + PICKPOCKETS + PINS + PITTSBURG + PLAY + PLEASURE + POETRY + POETS + POLICE + POLITENESS + POLITICAL PARTIES + POLITICIANS + POLITICS + POVERTY + PRAISE + PRAYER MEETINGS + PRAYERS + PREACHING + PRESCRIPTIONS + PRESENCE OF MIND + PRINTERS + PRISONS + PRODIGALS + PROFANITY + PROHIBITION + PROMOTING + PROMOTION + PROMPTNESS + PRONUNCIATION + PROPORTION + PROPOSALS + PROPRIETY + PROSPERITY + PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH + PROTESTANTS + PROVIDENCE + PROVINCIALISM + PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS + PUBLIC SPEAKERS + PUNISHMENT + PUNS + PURE FOOD + + QUARRELS + QUESTIONS + QUOTATIONS + + RACE PREJUDICES + RACE PRIDE + RACE SUICIDE + RACES + RAILROADS + RAPID TRANSIT + READING + REAL ESTATE AGENTS + REALISM + RECALL + RECOMMENDATIONS + RECONCILIATIONS + REFORMERS + REGRETS + REHEARSALS + RELATIVES + RELIGIONS + REMEDIES + REMINDERS + REPARTEE + REPORTING + REPUBLICAN PARTY + REPUTATION + RESEMBLANCES + RESIGNATION + RESPECTABILITY + REST CURE + RETALIATION + REVOLUTIONS + REWARDS + RHEUMATISM + ROADS + ROASTS + ROOSEVELT, THEODORE + + SALARIES + SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP + SALOONS + SALVATION + SAVING + SCANDAL + SCHOOLS + SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT + SCOTCH, THE + SEASICKNESS + SEASONS + SENATORS + SENSE OF HUMOR + SENTRIES + SERMONS + SERVANTS + SHOPPING + SHYNESS + SIGNS + SILENCE + SIN + SKATING + SKY-SCRAPERS + SLEEP + SMILES + SMOKING + SNEEZING + SNOBBERY + SNORING + SOCIALISTS + SOCIETY + SOLECISMS + SONS + SOUVENIRS + SPECULATION + SPEED + SPINSTERS + SPITE + SPRING + STAMMERING + STATESMEN + STATISTICS + STEAK + STEAM + STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS + STENOGRAPHERS + STOCK BROKERS + STRATEGY + SUBWAYS + SUCCESS + SUFFRAGETTES + SUICIDE + SUMMER RESORTS + SUNDAY + SUNDAY SCHOOLS + SUPERSTITION + SURPRISE + SWIMMERS + SYMPATHY + SYNONYMS + + TABLE MANNERS + TACT + TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD + TALENT + TALKERS + TARDINESS + TARIFF + TASTE + TEACHERS + TEARS + TEETH + TELEPHONE + TEMPER + TEMPERANCE + TEXAS + TEXTS + THEATER + THIEVES + THIN PEOPLE + THRIFT + TIDES + TIME + TIPS + TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY + TOASTS + TOBACCO + TOURISTS + TRAMPS + TRANSMUTATION + TRAVELERS + TREASON + TREES + TRIGONOMETRY + TROUBLE + TRUSTS + TRUTH + TURKEYS + TUTORS + TWINS + + UMBRELLAS + + VALUE + VANITY + VERSATILITY + VOICE + + WAGES + WAITERS + WAR + WARNINGS + WASHINGTON, GEORGE + WASPS + WASTE + WEALTH + WEATHER + WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES + WEDDING PRESENTS + WEDDINGS + WEIGHTS AND MEASURES + WELCOMES + WEST, THE + WHISKY + WHISKY BREATH + WIDOWS + WIND + WINDFALLS + WINE + WISHES + WITNESSES + WIVES + WOMAN + WOMAN SUFFRAGE + WOMEN'S CLUBS + WORDS + WORK + WORMS + + YALE UNIVERSITY + YONKERS + "YOU" + + ZONES + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook: Toaster's Handbook +by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. 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