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+The Project Gutenberg EBook: Toaster's Handbook
+by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Toaster's Handbook
+       Jokes, Stories, and Quotations
+
+Author: Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers
+
+Release Date: May 26, 2004 [EBook #12444]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK: TOASTER'S HANDBOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Shell, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note: the Contents and Index were added to this e-book
+by the transcriber]
+
+
+
+
+TOASTER'S HANDBOOK
+
+JOKES, STORIES, AND
+QUOTATIONS
+
+Compiled by
+
+PEGGY EDMUND
+
+and
+
+HAROLD WORKMAN WILLIAMS
+
+Introductions by
+
+MARY KATHARINE REELY
+
+1916
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+  PREFACE
+
+  ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR
+
+  TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS
+
+  TOASTER'S HANDBOOK
+
+  INDEX
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected to
+respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by occasion. All ideas he
+may ever have had on the subject melt away and like a drowning man he
+clutches furiously at the nearest solid object. This book is intended
+for such rescue purpose, buoyant and trustworthy but, it is to be hoped,
+not heavy.
+
+Let the frightened toaster turn first to the key word of his topic in
+this dictionary alphabet of selections and perchance he may find toast,
+story, definition or verse that may felicitously introduce his remarks.
+Then as he proceeds to outline his talk and to put it into sentences, he
+may find under one of the many subject headings a bit which will happily
+and scintillatingly drive home the ideas he is unfolding.
+
+While the larger part of the contents is humorous, there are inserted
+many quotations of a serious nature which may serve as appropriate
+literary ballast.
+
+The jokes and quotes gathered for the toaster have been placed under the
+subject headings where it seemed that they might be most useful, even at
+the risk of the joke turning on the compilers. To extend the usefulness
+of such pseudo-cataloging, cross references, similar and dissimilar to
+those of a library card catalog, have been included.
+
+Should a large number of the inclusions look familiar, let us remark
+that the friends one likes best are those who have been already tried
+and trusted and are the most welcome in times of need. However, there
+are stories of a rising generation, whose acquaintance all may enjoy.
+
+Nearly all these new and old friends have before this made their bow in
+print and since it rarely was certain where they first appeared, little
+attempt has been made to credit any source for them. The compilers
+hereby make a sweeping acknowledgment to the "funny editors" of many
+books and periodicals.
+
+
+
+
+ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR
+
+
+"Man," says Hazlitt, "is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he
+is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what
+things are and what they ought to be." The sources, then, of laughter
+and tears come very close together. At the difference between things as
+they are and as they ought to be we laugh, or we weep; it would depend,
+it seems, on the point of view, or the temperament. And if, as Horace
+Walpole once said, "Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to
+those who feel," it is the thinking half of humanity that, at the sight
+of life's incongruities, is moved to laughter, the feeling half to
+tears. A sense of humor, then, is the possession of the thinking half,
+and the humorists must be classified at once with the thinkers.
+
+If one were asked to go further than this and to give offhand a
+definition of humor, or of that elusive quality, a sense of humor, he
+might find himself confronted with a difficulty. Yet certain things
+about it would be patent at the outset: Women haven't it; Englishmen
+haven't it; it is the chiefest of the virtues, for tho a man speak with
+the tongues of men and of angels, if he have not humor we will have none
+of him. Women may continue to laugh over those innocent and innocuous
+incidents which they find amusing; may continue to write the most
+delightful of stories and essays--consider Jane Austen and our own Miss
+Repplier--over which appreciative readers may continue to chuckle;
+Englishmen may continue, as in the past to produce the most exquisite of
+the world's humorous literature--think of Charles Lamb--yet the
+fundamental faith of mankind will remain unshaken: women have no sense
+of humor, and an Englishman cannot see a joke! And the ability to "see a
+joke" is the infallible American test of the sense of humor.
+
+But taking the matter seriously, how would one define humor? When in
+doubt, consult the dictionary, is, as always, an excellent motto, and,
+following it, we find that our trustworthy friend, Noah Webster, does
+not fail us. Here is his definition of humor, ready to hand: humor is
+"the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating
+ludicrous or absurdly incongruous elements in ideas, situations,
+happenings, or acts," with the added information that it is
+distinguished from wit as "less purely intellectual and having more
+kindly sympathy with human nature, and as often blended with pathos." A
+friendly rival in lexicography defines the same prized human attribute
+more lightly as "a facetious turn of thought," or more specifically in
+literature, as "a sportive exercise of the imagination that is apparent
+in the choice and treatment of an idea or theme." Isn't there something
+about that word "sportive," on the lips of so learned an authority,
+that tickles the fancy--appeals to the sense of humor?
+
+Yet if we peruse the dictionary further, especially if we approach that
+monument to English scholarship, the great Murray, we shall find that
+the problem of defining humor is not so simple as it might seem; for the
+word that we use so glibly, with so sure a confidence in its stability,
+has had a long and varied history and has answered to many aliases. When
+Shakespeare called a man "humorous" he meant that he was changeable and
+capricious, not that he was given to a facetious turn of thought or to a
+"sportive" exercise of the imagination. When he talks in "The Taming of
+the Shrew" of "her mad and head-strong humor" he doesn't mean to imply
+that Kate is a practical joker. It is interesting to note in passing
+that the old meaning of the word still lingers in the verb "to humor." A
+woman still humors her spoiled child and her cantankerous husband when
+she yields to their capriciousness. By going hack a step further in
+history, to the late fourteenth century, we met Chaucer's physician who
+knew "the cause of everye maladye, and where engendered and of what
+humour" and find that Chaucer is not speaking of a mental state at all,
+but is referring to those physiological humours of which, according to
+Hippocrates, the human body contained four: blood, phlegm, bile, and
+black bile, and by which the disposition was determined. We find, too,
+that at one time a "humour" meant any animal or plant fluid, and again
+any kind of moisture. "The skie hangs full of humour, and I think we
+shall haue raine," ran an ancient weather prophet's prediction. Which
+might give rise to some thoughts on the paradoxical subject of _dry_
+humor.
+
+Now in part this development is easily traced. Humor, meaning moisture
+of any kind, came to have a biological significance and was applied only
+to plant and animal life. It was restricted later within purely
+physiological boundaries and was applied only to those "humours" of the
+human body that controlled temperament. From these fluids, determining
+mental states, the word took on a psychological coloring, but--by what
+process of evolution did humor reach its present status! After all, the
+scientific method has its weaknesses!
+
+We can, if we wish, define humor in terms of what it is not. We can draw
+lines around it and distinguish it from its next of kin, wit. This
+indeed has been a favorite pastime with the jugglers of words in all
+ages. And many have been the attempts to define humor, to define wit, to
+describe and differentiate them, to build high fences to keep them
+apart.
+
+"Wit is abrupt, darting, scornful; it tosses its analogies in your face;
+humor is slow and shy, insinuating its fun into your heart," says E. P.
+Whipple. "Wit is intellectual, humor is emotional; wit is perception of
+resemblance, humor of contrast--of contrast between ideal and fact,
+theory and practice, promise and performance," writes another authority.
+While yet another points out that "Humor is feeling--feelings can always
+bear repetition, while wit, being intellectual, suffers by repetition."
+The truth of this is evident when we remember that we repeat a witty
+saying that we may enjoy the effect on others, while we retell a
+humorous story largely for our own enjoyment of it.
+
+Yet it is quite possible that humor ought not to be defined. It may be
+one of those intangible substances, like love and beauty, that are
+indefinable. It is quite probable that humor should not be explained. It
+would be distressing, as some one pointed out, to discover that American
+humor is based on American dyspepsia. Yet the philosophers themselves
+have endeavored to explain it. Hazlitt held that to understand the
+ludicrous, we must first know what the serious is. And to apprehend the
+serious, what better course could be followed than to contemplate the
+serious--yes and ludicrous--findings of the philosophers in their
+attempts to define humor and to explain laughter. Consider Hobbes: "The
+passion of laughter is nothing else but sudden glory arising from the
+sudden conception of eminency in ourselves by comparison with the
+inferiority of others, or with our own formerly." According to Professor
+Bain, "Laughter results from the degradation of some person or interest
+possessing dignity in circumstances that excite no other strong
+emotion." Even Kant, desisting for a time from his contemplation of Pure
+Reason, gave his attention to the human phenomenon of laughter and
+explained it away as "the result of an expectation which of a sudden
+ends in nothing." Some modern cynic has compiled a list of the
+situations on the stage which are always "humorous." One of them, I
+recall, is the situation in which the clown-acrobat, having made mighty
+preparations for jumping over a pile of chairs, suddenly changes his
+mind and walks off without attempting it. The laughter that invariably
+greets this "funny" maneuver would seem to have philosophical sanction.
+Bergson, too, the philosopher of creative evolution, has considered
+laughter to the extent of an entire volume. A reading of it leaves one a
+little disturbed. Laughter, so we learn, is not the merry-hearted,
+jovial companion we had thought him. Laughter is a stern mentor,
+characterized by "an absence of feeling." "Laughter," says M. Bergson,
+"is above all a corrective, it must make a painful impression on the
+person against whom it is directed. By laughter society avenges itself
+for the liberties taken with it. It would fail in its object if it bore
+the stamp of sympathy or kindness." If this be laughter, grant us
+occasionally the saving grace of tears, which may be tears of sympathy,
+and, therefore, kind!
+
+But, after all, since it is true that "one touch of humor makes the
+whole world grin," what difference does it make what that humor is; what
+difference why or wherefore we laugh, since somehow or other, in a sorry
+world, we do laugh?
+
+Of the test for a sense of humor, it has already been said that it is
+the ability to see a joke. And, as for a joke, the dictionary, again a
+present help in time of trouble, tells us at once that it is, "something
+said or done for the purpose of exciting a laugh." But stay! Suppose it
+does not excite the laugh expected? What of the joke that misses fire?
+Shall a joke be judged by its intent or by its consequences? Is a joke
+that does not produce a laugh a joke at all? Pragmatically considered it
+is not. Agnes Repplier, writing on Humor, speaks of "those beloved
+writers whom we hold to be humorists because they have made us laugh."
+We hold them to be so--but there seems to be a suggestion that we may be
+wrong. Is it possible that the laugh is not the test of the joke? Here
+is a question over which the philosophers may wrangle. Is there an
+Absolute in the realm of humor, or must our jokes be judged solely by
+the pragmatic test? Congreve once told Colly Gibber that there were many
+witty speeches in one of Colly's plays, and many that looked witty, yet
+were not really what they seemed at first sight! So a joke is not to be
+recognized even by its appearance or by the company it keeps. Perhaps
+there might be established a test of good usage. A joke would be that at
+which the best people laugh.
+
+Somebody--was it Mark Twain?--once said that there are eleven original
+jokes in the world--that these were known in prehistoric times, and that
+all jokes since have been but modifications and adaptations from the
+originals. Miss Repplier, however, gives to modern times the credit for
+some inventiveness. Christianity, she says, must be thanked for such
+contributions as the missionary and cannibal joke, and for the
+interminable variations of St. Peter at the gate. Max Beerbohm once
+codified all the English comic papers and found that the following list
+comprised all the subjects discussed: Mothers-in-law; Hen-pecked
+husbands; Twins; Old maids; Jews; Frenchmen and Germans; Italians and
+Niggers; Fatness; Thinness; Long hair (in men); Baldness; Sea sickness;
+Stuttering; Bloomers; Bad cheese; Red noses. A like examination of
+American newspapers would perhaps result in a slightly different list.
+We have, of course, our purely local jokes. Boston will always be a joke
+to Chicago, the east to the west. The city girl in the country offers a
+perennial source of amusement, as does the country man in the city. And
+the foreigner we have always with us, to mix his Y's and J's, distort
+his H's, and play havoc with the Anglo-Saxon Th. Indeed our great
+American sense of humor has been explained as an outgrowth from the vast
+field of incongruities offered by a developing civilization.
+
+It may be that this vaunted national sense has been
+over-estimated--exaggeration is a characteristic of that humor,
+anyway--but at least it has one of the Christian virtues--it suffereth
+long and is kind. Miss Repplier says that it is because we are a
+"humorous rather than a witty people that we laugh for the most part
+with, and not at our fellow creatures." This, I think, is something that
+our fellow creatures from other lands do not always comprehend. I
+listened once to a distinguished Frenchman as he addressed the students
+in a western university chapel. He was evidently astounded and
+embarrassed by the outbursts of laughter that greeted his mildly
+humorous remarks. He even stopped to apologize for the deficiencies of
+his English, deeming them the cause, and was further mystified by the
+little ripple of laughter that met his explanation--a ripple that came
+from the hearts of the good-natured students, who meant only to be
+appreciative and kind. Foreigners, too, unacquainted with American slang
+often find themselves precipitating a laugh for which they are
+unprepared. For a bit of current slang, however and whenever used, is
+always humorous.
+
+The American is not only a humorous person, he is a practical person. So
+it is only natural that the American humor should be put to practical
+uses. It was once said that the difference between a man with tact and a
+man without was that the man with tact, in trying to put a bit in a
+horse's mouth, would first tell him a funny story, while the man without
+tact would get an axe. This use of the funny story is the American way
+of adapting it to practical ends. A collection of funny stories used to
+be an important part of a drummer's stock in trade. It is by means of
+the "good story" that the politician makes his way into office; the
+business man paves the way for a big deal; the after-dinner speaker gets
+a hearing; the hostess saves her guests from boredom. Such a large place
+does the "story" hold in our national life that we have invented a
+social pastime that might be termed a "joke match." "Don't tell a funny
+story, even if you know one," was the advice of the Atchison Globe man,
+"its narration will only remind your hearers of a bad one." True as this
+may be, we still persist in telling our funny story. Our hearers are
+reminded of another, good or bad, which again reminds us--and so on.
+
+A sense of humor, as was intimated before, is the chiefest of the
+virtues. It is more than this--it is one of the essentials to success.
+For, as has also been pointed out, we, being a practical people, put our
+humor to practical uses. It is held up as one of the prerequisites for
+entrance to any profession. "A lawyer," says a member of that order,
+must have such and such mental and moral qualities; "but before all
+else"--and this impressively--"he must possess a sense of humor." Samuel
+McChord Crothers says that were he on the examining board for the
+granting of certificates to prospective teachers, he would place a copy
+of Lamb's essay on Schoolmasters in the hands of each, and if the light
+of humorous appreciation failed to dawn as the reading progressed, the
+certificate would be withheld. For, before all else, a teacher must
+possess a sense of humor! If it be true, then, that the sense of humor
+is so important in determining the choice of a profession, how wise are
+those writers who hold it an essential for entrance into that most
+exacting of professions--matrimony! "Incompatibility in humor," George
+Eliot held to be the "most serious cause of diversion." And Stevenson,
+always wise, insists that husband and wife must he able to laugh over
+the same jokes--have between them many a "grouse in the gun-room" story.
+But there must always be exceptions if the spice of life is to be
+preserved, and I recall one couple of my acquaintance, devoted and loyal
+in spite of this very incompatibility. A man with a highly whimsical
+sense of humor had married a woman with none. Yet he told his best
+stories with an eye to their effect on her, and when her response came,
+peaceful and placid and non-comprehending, he would look about the table
+with delight, as much as to say, "Isn't she a wonder? Do you know her
+equal?"
+
+Humor may be the greatest of the virtues, yet it is the one of whose
+possession we may boast with impunity. "Well, that was too much for my
+sense of humor," we say. Or, "You know my sense of humor was always my
+strong point." Imagine thus boasting of one's integrity, or sense of
+honor! And so is its lack the one vice of which one may not permit
+himself to be a trifle proud. "I admit that I have a hot temper," and "I
+know I'm extravagant," are simple enough admissions. But did any one
+ever openly make the confession, "I know I am lacking in a sense of
+humor!" However, to recognize the lack one would first have to possess
+the sense--which is manifestly impossible.
+
+"To explain the nature of laughter and tears is to account for the
+condition of human life," says Hazlitt, and no philosophy has as yet
+succeeded in accounting for the condition of human life. "Man is a
+laughing animal," wrote Meredith, "and at the end of infinite search the
+philosopher finds himself clinging to laughter as the best of human
+fruit, purely human, and sane, and comforting." So whether it be the
+corrective laughter of Bergson, Jove laughing at lovers' vows, Love
+laughing at locksmiths, or the cheerful laughter of the fool that was
+like the crackling of thorns to Koheleth, the preacher, we recognize
+that it is good; that without this saving grace of humor life would be
+an empty vaunt. I like to recall that ancient usage: "The skie hangs
+full of humour, and I think we shall haue raine." Blessed humor, no less
+refreshing today than was the humour of old to a parched and thirsty
+earth.
+
+
+
+
+TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS
+
+
+Before making any specific suggestions to the prospective toaster or
+toastmaster, let us advise that he consider well the nature and spirit
+of the occasion which calls for speeches. The toast, after-dinner talk,
+or address is always given under conditions that require abounding good
+humor, and the desire to make everybody pleased and comfortable as well
+as to furnish entertainment should be uppermost.
+
+Perhaps a consideration of the ancient custom that gave rise to the
+modern toast will help us to understand the spirit in which a toast
+should be given. It originated with the pagan custom of drinking to gods
+and the dead, which in Christian nations was modified, with the
+accompanying idea of a wish for health and happiness added. In England
+during the sixteenth century it was customary to put a "toast" in the
+drink, which was usually served hot. This toast was the ordinary piece
+of bread scorched on both sides. Shakespeare in "The Merry Wives of
+Windsor" has Falstaff say, "Fetch me a quart of sack and put a toast
+in't." Later the term came to be applied to the lady in whose honor the
+company drank, her name serving to flavor the bumper as the toast
+flavored the drink. It was in this way that the act of drinking or of
+proposing a health, or the mere act of expressing good wishes or
+fellowship at table came to be known as toasting.
+
+Since an occasion, then, at which toasts are in order is one intended to
+promote good feeling, it should afford no opportunity for the
+exploitation of any personal or selfish interest or for anything
+controversial, or antagonistic to any of the company present. The effort
+of the toastmaster should be to promote the best of feeling among all
+and especially between speakers. And speakers should cooperate with the
+toastmaster and with each other to that end. The introductions of the
+toastmaster may, of course, contain some good-natured bantering,
+together with compliment, but always without sting. Those taking part
+may "get back" at the toastmaster, but always in a manner to leave no
+hard feeling anywhere. The toastmaster should strive to make his
+speakers feel at ease, to give them good standing with their hearers
+without overpraising them and making it hard to live up to what is
+expected of them. In short, let everybody boost good naturedly for
+everybody else.
+
+The toastmaster, and for that matter everyone taking part, should be
+carefully prepared. It may be safely said that those who are successful
+after-dinner speakers have learned the need of careful forethought. A
+practised speaker may appear to speak extemporaneously by putting
+together on one occasion thoughts and expressions previously prepared
+for other occasions, but the neophyte may well consider it necessary to
+think out carefully the matter of what to say and how to say it. Cicero
+said of Antonius, "All his speeches were, _in appearance_, the
+unpremeditated effusion of an honest heart; and yet, in reality, they
+were _preconceived with so much skill_ that the judges were not so well
+prepared as they should have been to withstand the force of them!"
+
+After considering the nature of the occasion and getting himself in
+harmony with it, the speaker should next consider the relation of his
+particular subject to the occasion and to the subjects of the other
+speakers. He should be careful to hold closely to the subject allotted
+to him so that he will not encroach upon the ground of other speakers.
+He should be careful, too, not to appropriate to himself any of their
+time. And he should consider, without vanity and without humility, his
+own relative importance and govern himself accordingly. We have all had
+the painful experience of waiting in impatience for the speech of the
+evening to begin while some humble citizen made "a few introductory
+remarks."
+
+In planning his speech and in getting it into finished form, the toaster
+will do well to remember those three essentials to all good composition
+with which he struggled in school and college days, Unity, Mass and
+Coherence. The first means that his talk must have a central thought, on
+which all his stories, anecdotes and jokes will have a bearing; the
+second that there will be a proper balance between the parts, that it
+will not be all introduction and conclusion; the third, that it will
+hang together, without awkward transitions. A toast may consist, as
+Lowell said, of "a platitude, a quotation and an anecdote," but the
+toaster must exercise his ingenuity in putting these together.
+
+In delivering the toast, the speaker must of course be natural. The
+after-dinner speech calls for a conversational tone, not for oratory of
+voice or manner. Something of an air of detachment on the part of the
+speaker is advisable. The humorist who can tell a story with a straight
+face adds to the humorous effect.
+
+A word might be said to those who plan the program. In the number of
+speakers it is better to err in having too few than too many. Especially
+is this true if there is one distinguished person who is _the_ speaker
+of the occasion. In such a case the number of lesser lights may well be
+limited to two or three. The placing of the guest of honor on the
+program is a matter of importance. Logically he would be expected to
+come last, as the crowning feature. But if the occasion is a large
+semi-public affair--a political gathering, for example--where strict
+etiquet does not require that all remain thru the entire program, there
+will always be those who will leave early, thus missing the best part of
+the entertainment. In this case some shifting of speakers, even at the
+risk of an anti-climax, would be advisable. On ordinary occasions, where
+the speakers are of much the same rank, order will be determined mainly
+by subject. And if the topics for discussion are directly related, if
+they are all component parts of a general subject, so much the better.
+
+Now we are going to add a special paragraph for the absolutely
+inexperienced person--who has never given, or heard anyone else give, a
+toast. It would seem hardly possible in this day of banquets to find an
+individual who has missed these occasions entirely--but he is to be
+found. Especially is this true in a world where toasting and
+after-dinner speaking are coming to be more and more in demand at social
+functions--the college world. Here the young man or woman, coming from a
+country town where the formal banquet is unknown, who has never heard an
+after-dinner speech, may be confronted with the necessity of responding
+to a toast on, say "Needles and Pins." Such a one would like to be told
+first of all what an after-dinner speech is. It is only a short,
+informal talk, usually witty, at any rate kindly, with one central idea
+and a certain amount of illustrative material in the way of anecdotes,
+quotations and stories. The best advice to such a speaker is: Make your
+first effort simple. Don't be over ambitious. If, as was suggested in
+the example cited a moment ago, the subject is fanciful--as it is very
+apt to be at a college banquet--any interpretation you choose to put
+upon it is allowable. If the interpretation is ingenious, your case is
+already half won. Such a subject is in effect a challenge. "Now, let's
+see what you can make of this," is what it implies. First get an idea;
+then find something in the way of illustrative material. Speak simply
+and naturally and sit down and watch how the others do it. Of course the
+subject on such occasions is often of a more serious nature--Our Class;
+The Team; Our President--in which case a more serious treatment is
+called for, with a touch of honest pride and sentiment.
+
+To sum up what has been said, with borrowings from what others have said
+on the subject, the following general rules have been formulated:
+
+_Prepare carefully_. Self-confidence is a valuable possession, but
+beware of being too sure of yourself. Pride goes before a fall, and
+overconfidence in his ability to improvise has been the downfall of many
+a would-be speaker. The speaker should strive to give the effect of
+spontaneity, but this can be done only with practice. The toast calls
+for the art that conceals art.
+
+_Let your speech have unity_. As some one has pointed out, the
+after-dinner speech is a distinct form of expression, just as is the
+short story. As such it should give a unity of impression. It bears
+something of the same relation to the oration that the short story does
+to the novel.
+
+_Let it have continuity_. James Bryce says: "There is a tendency today
+to make after-dinner speaking a mere string of anecdotes, most of which
+may have little to do with the subject or with one another. Even the
+best stories lose their charm when they are dragged in by the head and
+shoulders, having no connection with the allotted theme. Relevance as
+well as brevity is the soul of wit."
+
+_Do not grow emotional or sentimental_. American traditions are largely
+borrowed from England. We have the Anglo-Saxon reticence. A parade of
+emotion in public embarrasses us. A simple and sincere expression of
+feeling is often desirable in a toast--but don't overdo it.
+
+_Avoid trite sayings_. Don't use quotations that are shopworn, and avoid
+the set forms for toasts--"Our sweethearts and wives--may they never
+meet," etc.
+
+_Don't apologise_. Don't say that you are not prepared; that you speak
+on very short notice; that you are "no orator as Brutus is." Resolve to
+do your best and let your effort speak for itself.
+
+_Avoid irony and satire_. It has already been said that occasions on
+which toasts are given call for friendliness and good humor. Yet the
+temptation to use irony and satire may be strong. Especially may this be
+true at political gatherings where there is a chance to grow witty at
+the expense of rivals. Irony and satire are keen-edged tools; they have
+their uses; but they are dangerous. Pope, who knew how to use them,
+said:
+
+    Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet
+    To run amuck and tilt at all I meet.
+
+_Use personal references sparingly_. A certain amount of good-natured
+chaffing may be indulged in. Yet there may be danger in even the most
+kindly of fun. One never knows how a jest will be taken. Once in the
+early part of his career, Mark Twain, at a New England banquet, grew
+funny at the expense of Longfellow and Emerson, then in their old age
+and looked upon almost as divinities. His joke fell dead, and to the end
+of his life he suffered humiliation at the recollection.
+
+_Be clear_. While you must not draw an obvious moral or explain the
+point to your jokes, be sure that the point is there and that it is put
+in such a way that your hearers cannot miss it. Avoid flights of
+rhetoric and do not lose your anecdotes in a sea of words.
+
+_Avoid didacticism_. Do not try to instruct. Do not give statistics and
+figures. They will not be remembered. A historical resume of your
+subject from the beginning of time is not called for; neither are
+well-known facts about the greatness of your city or state or the
+prominent person in whose honor you may be speaking. Do not tell your
+hearers things they already know.
+
+_Be brief_. An after-dinner audience is in a particularly defenceless
+position. It is so out in the open. There is no opportunity for a quiet
+nod or two behind a newspaper or the hat of the lady in front. If you
+bore your hearers by overstepping your time politeness requires that
+they sit still and look pleased. Spare them. Remember Bacon's advice to
+the speaker: "Let him be sure to leave other men their turns to speak."
+But suppose you come late on the program! Suppose the other speakers
+have not heeded Bacon? What are you going to do about it? Here is a
+story that James Bryce tells of the most successful after-dinner speech
+he remembers to have heard. The speaker was a famous engineer, the
+occasion a dinner of the British Association for the Advancement of
+Science. "He came last; and midnight had arrived. His toast was Applied
+Science, and his speech was as follows: 'Ladies and gentlemen, at this
+late hour I advise you to illustrate the Applications of Science by
+applying a lucifer match to the wick of your bedroom candle. Let us all
+go to bed'."
+
+If you are capable of making a similar sacrifice by cutting short your
+own carefully-prepared, wise, witty and sparkling remarks, your audience
+will thank you--and they may ask you to speak again.
+
+
+
+
+TOASTER'S HANDBOOK
+
+
+
+
+ABILITY
+
+
+"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't."
+
+"Well, what is it?" demanded his pa.
+
+"Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.--_H.E. Zimmerman_.
+
+
+
+
+ABOLITION
+
+
+He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he
+sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and
+began a conversation.
+
+"Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to
+pick their cotton this season?" he inquired.
+
+"Don't believe I have," answered the other.
+
+"Well, they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do the picking,"
+rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn readily. They are thorough
+workers, and obviously they will save their employers a small fortune
+otherwise expended in wages."
+
+"Yes," ejaculated the native, "and about the time this monkey brigade is
+beginning to work smoothly, a lot of you fool northerners will come
+tearing down here and set 'em free."
+
+
+
+
+ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
+
+
+SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living."
+
+HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb."
+
+
+
+
+ACCIDENTS
+
+
+The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge,
+was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted
+with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a
+woman going in the opposite direction. In seeking to avoid each other,
+both slipped and they came down in a heap. The polite doctor was
+overwhelmed and his embarrassment paralyzed his speech, but the woman
+was equal to the occasion.
+
+"Doctor, if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out your legs, I
+will take what remains," she said cheerfully.
+
+
+"Help! Help!" cried an Italian laborer near the mud flats of the Harlem
+river.
+
+"What's the matter there?" came a voice from the construction shanty.
+
+"Queek! Bringa da shov'! Bringa da peek! Giovanni's stuck in da mud."
+
+"How far in?"
+
+"Up to hees knees."
+
+"Oh, let him walk out."
+
+"No, no! He no canna walk! He wronga end up!"
+
+
+  There once was a lady from Guam,
+  Who said, "Now the sea is so calm
+    I will swim, for a lark";
+    But she met with a shark.
+  Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm.
+
+
+BRICKLAYER (to mate, who had just had a hodful of bricks fall on his
+feet)--"Dropt 'em on yer toe! That's nothin'. Why, I seen a bloke get
+killed stone dead, an' 'e never made such a bloomin' fuss as you're
+doin'."
+
+
+A preacher had ordered a load of hay from one of his parishioners. About
+noon, the parishioner's little son came to the house crying lustily. On
+being asked what the matter was, he said that the load of hay had tipped
+over in the street. The preacher, a kindly man, assured the little
+fellow that it was nothing serious, and asked him in to dinner.
+
+"Pa wouldn't like it," said the boy.
+
+But the preacher assured him that he would fix it all right with his
+father, and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay. After
+dinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had stayed.
+
+"Pa won't like it," he persisted.
+
+The preacher, unable to understand, asked the boy what made him think
+his father would object.
+
+"Why, you see, pa's under the hay," explained the boy.
+
+
+  There was an old Miss from Antrim,
+  Who looked for the leak with a glim.
+    Alack and alas!
+    The cause was the gas.
+  We will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn.
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+  There was a young lady named Hannah,
+  Who slipped on a peel of banana.
+    More stars she espied
+    As she lay on her side
+  Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.
+
+  A gentleman sprang to assist her;
+  He picked up her glove and her wrister;
+    "Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried;
+    "Did you think," she replied,
+  "I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"
+
+
+  At first laying down, as a fact fundamental,
+  That nothing with God can be accidental.
+
+  --_Longfellow_.
+
+
+
+
+ACTING
+
+
+Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of
+his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Colonel
+Carter_. On one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town, and
+remembered an old negro and his wife, who had been body servants in his
+father's household, with a couple of seats in the theatre. As it
+happened, he was playing the part of the villain, and was largely
+concerned with treasons, stratagems and spoils. From time to time he
+caught a glimpse of the ancient couple in the gallery, and judged from
+their fearsome countenance and popping eyes that they were being duly
+impressed.
+
+After the play he asked them to come and see him behind the scenes. They
+sat together for a while in solemn silence, and then the mammy
+resolutely nudged her husband. The old man gathered himself together
+with an effort, and said: "Marse Cha'les, mebbe it ain' for us po'
+niggers to teach ouh young masser 'portment. But we jes' got to tell yo'
+dat, in all de time we b'long to de fambly, none o' ouh folks ain' neveh
+befo' mix up in sechlike dealin's, an' we hope, Marse Cha'les, dat yo'
+see de erroh of yo' ways befo' yo' done sho' nuff disgrace us."
+
+
+In a North of England town recently a company of local amateurs produced
+Hamlet, and the following account of the proceedings appeared in the
+local paper next morning:
+
+"Last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gathered to
+witness a performance of _Hamlet_ at the Town Hall. There has been
+considerable discussion in the press as to whether the play was written
+by Shakespeare or Bacon. All doubt can be now set at rest. Let their
+graves be opened; the one who turned over last night is the author."
+
+
+Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this special
+observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+  To wake the soul by tender strokes of art,
+  To raise the genius, and to mend the heart;
+  To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold,
+  Live o'er each scene, and be what they behold--
+  For this the tragic muse first trod the stage.
+
+  --_Pope_.
+
+
+
+
+ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
+
+
+An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small New
+England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand waddled to
+the middle of the street and began to hiss.
+
+One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and angrily
+exclaimed:
+
+"Don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions. Wait till you see the
+show."--_K.A. Bisbee_.
+
+
+When William H. Crane was younger and less discreet he had a vaunting
+ambition to play _Hamlet_. So with his first profits he organized his
+own company and he went to an inland western town to give vent to his
+ambition and "try it on."
+
+When he came back to New York a group of friends noticed that the actor
+appeared to be much downcast.
+
+"What's the matter, Crane? Didn't they appreciate it?" asked one of his
+friends.
+
+"They didn't seem to," laconically answered the actor.
+
+"Well, didn't they give any encouragement? Didn't they ask you to come
+before the curtain?" persisted the friend.
+
+"Ask me?" answered Crane. "Man, they dared me!"
+
+
+LEADING MAN IN TRAVELING COMPANY--"We play _Hamlet_ to-night, laddie, do
+we not?"
+
+SUB-MANAGER--"Yes, Mr. Montgomery."
+
+LEADING MAN--"Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence!"
+
+SUB-MANAGER--"Why?"
+
+LEADING MAN--"I have four days' growth upon my chin. One cannot play
+_Hamlet_ in a beard!"
+
+SUB-MANAGER--"Um--well--we'll put on Macbeth!"
+
+
+HE--"But what reason have you for refusing to marry me?"
+
+SHE--"Papa objects. He says you are an actor."
+
+HE-"Give my regards to the old boy and tell him I'm sorry he isn't a
+newspaper critic."
+
+
+The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the villain,
+had died to slow music.
+
+The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.
+
+He refused to appear.
+
+But the audience still insisted.
+
+Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front.
+
+"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, but he
+says he's dead, an' he's goin to stay dead."
+
+
+Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske, the actress, was having her hair dressed by a
+young woman at her home. The actress was very tired and quiet, but a
+chance remark from the dresser made her open her eyes and sit up.
+
+"I should have went on the stage," said the young woman complacently.
+
+"But," returned Mrs. Fiske, "look at me--think how I have had to work
+and study to gain what success I have, and win such fame as is now
+mine!"
+
+"Oh, yes," replied the young woman calmly; "but then I have talent."
+
+
+Orlando Day, a fourth-rate actor in London, was once called, in a sudden
+emergency, to supply the place of Allen Ainsworth at the Criterion
+Theatre for a single night.
+
+The call filled him with joy. Here was a chance to show the public how
+great a histrionic genius had remained unknown for lack of an
+opportunity. But his joy was suddenly dampened by the dreadful thought
+that, as the play was already in the midst of its run, none of the
+dramatic critics might be there to watch his triumph.
+
+A bright thought struck him. He would announce the event. Rushing to a
+telegraph office, he sent to one of the leading critics the following
+telegram: "Orlando Day presents Allen Ainsworth's part to-night at the
+Criterion."
+
+Then it occurred to him, "Why not tell them all?" So he repeated the
+message to a dozen or more important persons.
+
+At a late hour of the same day, in the Garrick Club, a lounging
+gentleman produced one of the telegrams, and read it to a group of
+friends. A chorus of exclamations followed the reading: "Why, I got
+precisely the same message!" "And so did I." "And I, too." "Who is
+Orlando Day?" "What beastly cheek!" "Did the ass fancy that one would
+pay any attention to his wire?"
+
+J. M. Barrie, the famous author and playwright, who was present, was the
+only one who said nothing.
+
+"Didn't he wire you too?" asked one of the group.
+
+"Oh, yes."
+
+"But of course you didn't answer."
+
+"Oh, but it was only polite to send an answer after he had taken the
+trouble to wire me. So, of course, I answered him."
+
+"You did! What did you say?"
+
+"Oh, I just telegraphed him: 'Thanks for timely warning.'"
+
+
+  Twinkle, twinkle, lovely star!
+  How I wonder if you are
+  When at home the tender age
+  You appear when on the stage.
+
+  --_Mary A. Fairchild_.
+
+
+Recipe for an actor:
+
+  To one slice of ham add assortment of roles.
+    Steep the head in mash notes till it swells,
+  Garnish with onions, tomatoes and beets,
+    Or with eggs--from afar--in the shells.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+Recipe for an ingenue:
+
+  A pound and three-quarters of kitten,
+    Three ounces of flounces and sighs;
+  Add wiggles and giggles and gurgles,
+    And ringlets and dimples and eyes.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+ADAPTATION
+
+
+"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims that a
+hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen eggs,
+seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur.
+
+"He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof of nature's
+adaptation of all animals to their environment, the seventeen eggs
+having been of the cold-storage variety."
+
+
+
+
+ADDRESSES
+
+
+In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother,
+that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, 'Send it up
+C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?"
+
+
+An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic
+Harrison's _George Washington and other American Addresses_. In a little
+while he brought back the book to the librarian and said:
+
+"This book does not give me what I require; I want to find out the
+addresses of several American magnates; I know where George Washington
+has gone to, for he never told a lie."
+
+
+
+
+ADVERTISING
+
+
+Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and
+delivered himself as follows:
+
+"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its
+size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size
+of this."
+
+"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.
+
+"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window."
+
+"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. We always
+serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertisement
+for the place."
+
+
+"Advertising costs me a lot of money."
+
+"Why I never saw your goods advertised."
+
+"They aren't. But my wife reads other people's ads."
+
+
+When Mark Twain, in his early days, was editor of a Missouri paper, a
+superstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had found a spider
+in his paper, and asking him whether that was a sign of good luck or
+bad. The humorist wrote him this answer and printed it:
+
+"Old subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good luck
+nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper to
+see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store,
+spin his web across the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever
+afterward."
+
+
+"Good Heavens, man! I saw your obituary in this morning's paper!"
+
+"Yes, I know. I put it in myself. My opera is to be produced to-night,
+and I want good notices from the critics."--_C. Hilton Turvey_.
+
+
+Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day and
+decided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling along he
+heard a piano, and, following the sound, came to a house on which was a
+sign reading:
+
+"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour."
+
+Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of
+Chopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well.
+
+Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came to the
+door and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him in and he
+sat down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can, afterward
+spending an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones thanked him and
+he departed.
+
+Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took the same
+walk.
+
+He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the sign, he
+read:
+
+"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $1.00 an hour. (Pupil of Paderewski.)"
+
+
+Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New York,
+Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be passing Daly's
+Theatre, and paused to look at the pictures of Hitchcock and his company
+that adorned the entrance. Near the pictures was a billboard covered
+with laudatory extracts from newspaper criticisms of the show.
+
+When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned to an
+unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the corner of his
+eye.
+
+"Say, have you seen this show?" he asked.
+
+"Sure," replied the young man.
+
+"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?"
+
+"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why, say, he's the best
+in the business. He's got all these other would-be side-ticklers lashed
+to the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so much at any one in all my
+life."
+
+"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully.
+
+"As good as Foy!" The young man's scorn was superb. "Why, this Hitchcock
+has got that Foy person looking like a gloom. They're not in the same
+class. Hitchcock's funny. A man with feelings can't compare them. I'm
+sorry you asked me, I feel so strongly about it."
+
+Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in the hollow tones of a
+tragedian, he said:
+
+"I am Foy."
+
+"I know you are," said the young man cheerfully. "I'm Hitchcock!"
+
+
+Advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. First of all, as they are
+instruments of ambition. A man that is by no means big enough for the
+Gazette, may easily creep into the advertisements; by which means we
+often see an apothecary in the same paper of news with a
+plenipotentiary, or a running footman with an ambassador.--_Addison_.
+
+
+_See also_ Salesmen and Salesmanship.
+
+
+
+
+ADVICE
+
+
+Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials of
+a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in spending
+money provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the Queen reminding her
+of his approaching birthday and delicately suggesting that money would
+be the most acceptable gift. In her own hand she answered, sternly
+reproving the youth for the sin of extravagance and urging upon him the
+practise of economy. His reply staggered her:
+
+"Dear Grandma," it ran, "thank you for your kind letter of advice. I
+have sold the same for five pounds."
+
+
+Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it.--_Publius Syrus_.
+
+
+
+
+AERONAUTICS
+
+
+  A flea and a fly in a flue,
+  Were imprisoned; now what could they do?
+    Said the fly, "let us flee."
+    "Let us fly," said the flea,
+  And they flew through a flaw in the flue.
+
+
+The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to be
+aeroneous.--_La Touche Hancock_.
+
+
+
+
+AEROPLANES
+
+
+  "Mother, may I go aeroplane?"
+    "Yes, my darling Mary.
+  Tie yourself to an anchor chain
+    And don't go near the airy."
+
+  --_Judge_.
+
+
+Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a dinner
+in New York, and on the occasion his eloquent reply to a toast on
+aviation terminated neatly with these words:
+
+"The aeroplane has come at last, but it was a long time coming. We can
+imagine Necessity, the mother of invention, looking up at a sky all
+criss-crossed with flying machines, and then saying, with a shake of her
+old head and with a contented smile:
+
+"'Of all my family, the aeroplane has been the hardest to raise.'"
+
+
+  A genius who once did aspire
+  To invent an aerial flyer,
+    When asked, "Does it go?"
+    Replied, "I don't know;
+  I'm awaiting some damphule to try 'er."
+
+
+
+
+AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
+
+
+A Frenchman once remarked:
+
+"The table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour."
+
+
+  Every rose has its thorn
+    There's fuzz on all the peaches.
+  There never was a dinner yet
+    Without some lengthy speeches.
+
+
+Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important
+city. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor
+leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, "Shall we let the
+people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your
+speech now?"
+
+
+"Friend," said one immigrant to another, "this is a grand country to
+settle in. They don't hang you here for murder."
+
+"What do they do to you?" the other immigrant asked.
+
+"They kill you," was the reply, "with elocution."
+
+
+When Daniel got into the lions' den and looked around he thought to
+himself, "Whoever's got to do the after-dinner speaking, it won't be
+me."
+
+
+Joseph H. Choate and Chauncey Depew were invited to a dinner. Mr. Choate
+was to speak, and it fell to the lot of Mr. Depew to introduce him,
+which he did thus: "Gentlemen, permit me to introduce Ambassador Choate,
+America's most inveterate after-dinner speaker. All you need to do to
+get a speech out of Mr. Choate is to open his mouth, drop in a dinner
+and up comes your speech."
+
+Mr. Choate thanked the Senator for his compliment, and then said: "Mr.
+Depew says if you open my mouth and drop in a dinner up will come a
+speech, but I warn you that if you open your mouths and drop in one of
+Senator Depew's speeches up will come your dinners."
+
+
+Mr. John C. Hackett recently told the following story:
+
+"I was up in Rockland County last summer, and there was a banquet given
+at a country hotel. All the farmers were there and all the village
+characters. I was asked to make a speech.
+
+"'Now,' said I, with the usual apologetic manner, 'it is not fair to you
+that the toastmaster should ask me to speak. I am notorious as the worst
+public speaker in the State of New York. My reputation extends from one
+end of the state to the other. I have no rival whatever, when it
+comes--' I was interrupted by a lanky, ill-clad individual, who had
+stuck too close to the beer pitcher.
+
+"'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I take 'ception to what this here man says. He
+ain't the worst public speaker in the state. I am. You all know it, an'
+I want it made a matter of record that I took 'ception.'
+
+"'Well, my friend,' said I, 'suppose we leave it to the guests. You sit
+down while I say my piece, and then I'll sit down and let you give a
+demonstration.' The fellow agreed and I went on. I hadn't gone far when
+he got up again.
+
+"''S all right,' said he, 'you win; needn't go no farther!'"
+
+
+Mark Twain and Chauncey M. Depew once went abroad on the same ship. When
+the ship was a few days out they were both invited to a dinner.
+Speech-making time came. Mark Twain had the first chance. He spoke
+twenty minutes and made a great hit. Then it was Mr. Depew's turn.
+
+"Mr. Toastmaster and Ladies and Gentlemen," said the famous raconteur as
+he arose, "Before this dinner Mark Twain and myself made an agreement to
+trade speeches. He has just delivered my speech, and I thank you for the
+pleasant manner in which you received it. I regret to say that I have
+lost the notes of his speech and cannot remember anything he was to
+say."
+
+Then he sat down. There was much laughter. Next day an Englishman who
+had been in the party came across Mark Twain in the smoking-room. "Mr
+Clemens," he said, "I consider you were much imposed upon last night. I
+have always heard that Mr. Depew is a clever man, but, really, that
+speech of his you made last night struck me as being the most infernal
+rot."
+
+
+_See also_ Orators; Politicians; Public Speakers.
+
+
+
+
+AGE
+
+
+The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age.
+
+
+"How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller.
+
+"Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when I'm
+on the cars I'm four."
+
+
+"How effusively sweet that Mrs. Blondey is to you, Jonesy," said
+Witherell. "What's up? Any tender little romance there?"
+
+"No, indeed--why, that woman hates me," said Jonesy.
+
+"She doesn't show it," said Witherell.
+
+"No; but she knows I know how old she is--we were both born on the same
+day," said Jonesy, "and she's afraid I'll tell somebody."
+
+
+As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know how old
+they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongs
+to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old chap named Joshua
+Bolton, who has been with that family and the previous generation for
+more years than they can remember. In view, therefore, of his advanced
+age, it was with surprise that his employer received one day an
+application for a few days off, in order that the old fellow might, as
+he put it, "go up to de ole State of Virginny" to see his aunt.
+
+"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.
+
+"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a
+hundred an' ten years ole."
+
+"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?"
+
+"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up dere
+livin' wif her grandmother."
+
+
+When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating class of a large
+eastern college for women, he began his remarks with the usual
+salutation, "Young ladies of '97." Then in a horrified aside he added,
+"That's an awful age for a girl!"
+
+
+THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)--"When a man reaches your
+age, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things, expect to live very
+much longer, and I--"
+
+THE NONAGENARIAN--"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my legs than I were
+when I started!"
+
+
+A well-meaning Washington florist was the cause of much embarrassment to
+a young man who was in love with a rich and beautiful girl.
+
+It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that the next
+day would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked that he would
+the next morning send her some roses, one rose for each year.
+
+That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery of
+twenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the order,
+and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk:
+
+"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of my best
+customers, so I'll throw in ten more for good measure."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a
+suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary
+question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which
+did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next person.
+
+The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then,
+concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to
+the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's
+thirty-one!"
+
+
+The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and the
+no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, were
+together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was then
+ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty.
+
+The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my many
+years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious.
+I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken little
+exercise."
+
+"It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitchell. "I have
+eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used
+tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal of
+exercise."
+
+With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and said,
+"Well, you will never live to be an old man!"--_Sarah Bache Hodge_.
+
+
+A wise man never puts away childish things.--_Sidney Dark_.
+
+
+  To the old, long life and treasure;
+  To the young, all health and pleasure.
+
+  --_Ben Jonson_.
+
+
+Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a regret.--_Disraeli_.
+
+
+We do not count a man's years, until he has nothing else to
+count.--_Emerson_.
+
+
+To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful
+than to be forty years old.--_O.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+
+
+AGENTS
+
+
+"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?"
+
+"One of the best men in the business."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+AGRICULTURE
+
+
+A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on
+the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his
+money in town and spends it on the farm.
+
+
+In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the cultivators
+of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light rains that during
+the growing season fall from time to time, are appreciated to a degree
+that is unknown in the east.
+
+Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was
+rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his hired man
+came into the house.
+
+"Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the fruit-man.
+
+"I don't mind a little dew like this," said the man. "I can work along
+just the same."
+
+"Oh, I'm not talking about that," exclaimed the fruit-man. "The next
+time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water on the
+land."
+
+
+  They used to have a farming rule
+  Of forty acres and a mule.
+  Results were won by later men
+  With forty square feet and a hen.
+  And nowadays success we see
+  With forty inches and a bee.
+
+  --_Wasp_.
+
+
+Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of it.--_Charles
+Dudley Warner_.
+
+
+When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, are the
+founders of human civilization.--_Daniel Webster_.
+
+
+
+
+ALARM CLOCKS
+
+
+MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. I
+was not aslape at all."
+
+
+
+
+ALERTNESS
+
+
+"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his
+political opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence bridegroom I heard
+of the other day. You know how bridegrooms starting off on their
+honeymoons sometimes forget all about their brides, and buy tickets only
+for themselves? That is what happened to the Providence young man. And
+when his wife said to him, 'Why, Tom, you bought only one ticket,' he
+answered without a moment's hesitation, 'By Jove, you're right, dear!
+I'd forgotten myself entirely!'"
+
+
+
+
+ALIBI
+
+
+A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban
+excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle.
+While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an
+"English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely asked one of the ladies
+how the accident had happened.
+
+"I'm sure I don't know," she replied; "I was asleep when it occurred."
+
+Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth replied:
+
+"Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby."
+
+
+
+
+ALIMONY
+
+
+"What is alimony, ma?"
+
+"It is a man's cash surrender value."--_Town Topics_
+
+
+The proof of the wedding is in the alimony.
+
+
+
+
+ALLOWANCES
+
+
+"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?"
+
+"I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back."
+
+
+
+
+ALTERNATIVES
+
+
+_See_ Choices.
+
+
+
+
+ALTRUISM
+
+
+WILLIE--"Pa!"
+
+PA--"Yes."
+
+WILLIE--"Teacher says we're here to help others."
+
+PA--"Of course we are."
+
+WILLIE--"Well, what are the others here for?"
+
+
+There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a
+trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a rich man's estate.
+Permits to fish the stream could now and then be obtained, and the boy
+was lucky enough to have a permit.
+
+One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper suddenly
+darted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry of
+fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeper
+pursued.
+
+For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and difficult
+chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm and
+said between pants:
+
+"Have you a permit to fish on this estate?
+
+"Yes to be sure," said the boy, quietly.
+
+"You have? Then show it to me."
+
+The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned
+in perplexity and anger.
+
+"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.
+
+"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have none!"
+
+
+
+
+AMBITION
+
+
+Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and
+that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other
+ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade
+themselves by laughter?"
+
+Yes, Herford had an ambition. A whale of an ambition. Some day he hoped
+to gratify it.
+
+The woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in her
+long, sad hands, and glowed into Mr. Herford's eyes. "Oh, Mr. Herford,"
+she said, "Oliver! Tell me about it."
+
+"I want to throw an egg into an electric fan," said Herford, simply.
+
+
+"Hubby," said the observant wife, "the janitor of these flats is a
+bachelor."
+
+"What of it?"
+
+"I really think he is becoming interested in our oldest daughter."
+
+"There you go again with your pipe dreams! Last week it was a duke."
+
+
+The chief end of a man in New York is dissipation; in Boston,
+conversation.
+
+
+When you are aspiring to the highest place, it is honorable to reach the
+second or even the third rank.--_Cicero_.
+
+
+  The man who seeks one thing in life, and but one,
+  May hope to achieve it before life be done;
+  But he who seeks all things, wherever he goes,
+  Only reaps from the hopes which around him he sows
+  A harvest of barren regrets.
+
+  --_Owen Meredith_
+
+
+
+
+AMERICAN GIRL
+
+
+  Here's to the dearest
+    Of all things on earth.
+  (Dearest precisely--
+    And yet of full worth.)
+  One who lays siege to
+    Susceptible hearts.
+  (Pocket-books also--
+    That's one of her arts!)
+  Drink to her, toast her,
+    Your banner unfurl--
+  Here's to the _priceless_
+    American Girl!
+
+  --_Walter Pulitzer_.
+
+
+
+
+AMERICANS
+
+
+Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to
+the subject of lynching in the United States.
+
+It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met
+death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Field and
+asked:
+
+"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs?"
+
+"Yes," replied Field, "hundreds of them."
+
+"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke in half
+a dozen voices at once.
+
+"Well, the night before I sailed for England," said Field, "I was giving
+a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a colored waiter
+spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an adjoining table.
+The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of her party at once
+seized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at a signal from the
+injured lady swung him into the air."
+
+"Horrible!" said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually see
+this yourself?"
+
+"Well, no," admitted Field apologetically. "Just at that moment I
+happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in the
+blanc mange."
+
+
+  You can always tell the English,
+  You can always tell the Dutch,
+  You can always tell the Yankees--
+  But you can't tell them _much!_
+
+
+
+
+AMUSEMENTS
+
+
+A newspaper thus defined amusements:
+
+The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been
+for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the change of
+place in holding it, deaths in families, and other amusements.
+
+
+  I wish that my room had a floor;
+  I don't so much care for a door;
+    But this crawling around
+    Without touching the ground
+  Is getting to be quite a bore.
+
+
+I am a great friend to public amusements; for they keep people from
+vice.--_Samuel Johnson_.
+
+
+
+
+ANATOMY
+
+
+TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm in
+every battle he fit in!"
+
+JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?"
+
+TOMMY--"About forty."
+
+
+They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first
+Napoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old one-armed
+veteran.
+
+"How did you lose your arm?" he asked.
+
+"Sire, at Austerlitz."
+
+"And were you not decorated?"
+
+"No, sire."
+
+"Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier."
+
+"Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm. What would
+your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?"
+
+"Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the Legion."
+
+Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off his
+other arm.
+
+There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only question is,
+how did he do it?
+
+
+
+
+ANCESTRY
+
+
+A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his
+ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At the
+time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks and
+affixed his signature with many a curve and flourish. The salesman's
+patience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer to recognize him,
+he finally observed:
+
+"You have a fine signature, Mr. So-and-So."
+
+"Yes," admitted the buyer, "I should have. One of my forefathers signed
+the Declaration of Independence."
+
+"So?" said the caller, with rising inflection. And then he added:
+
+"Vell, you aind't got nottings on me. One of my forefathers signed the
+Ten Commandments."
+
+
+In a speech in the Senate on Hawaiian affairs, Senator Depew of New York
+told this story:
+
+When Queen Liliuokalani was in England during the English queen's
+jubilee, she was received at Buckingham Palace. In the course of the
+remarks that passed between the two queens, the one from the Sandwich
+Islands said that she had English blood in her veins.
+
+"How so?" inquired Victoria.
+
+"My ancestors ate Captain Cook."
+
+
+Signor Marconi, in an interview in Washington, praised American
+democracy.
+
+"Over here," he said, "you respect a man for what he is himself--not for
+what his family is--and thus you remind me of the gardener in Bologna
+who helped me with my first wireless apparatus.
+
+"As my mother's gardener and I were working on my apparatus together a
+young count joined us one day, and while he watched us work the count
+boasted of his lineage.
+
+"The gardener, after listening a long while, smiled and said:
+
+"'If you come from an ancient family, it's so much the worse for you
+sir; for, as we gardeners say, the older the seed the worse the crop.'"
+
+
+"Gerald," said the young wife, noticing how heartily he was eating, "do
+I cook as well as your mother did?"
+
+Gerald put up his monocle, and stared at her through it.
+
+"Once and for all, Agatha," he said, "I beg you will remember that
+although I may seem to be in reduced circumstances now, I come of an old
+and distinguished family. My mother was not a cook."
+
+
+"My ancestors came over in the 'Mayflower.'"
+
+"That's nothing; my father descended from an aëroplane."--_Life_.
+
+
+When in England, Governor Foss, of Massachusetts, had luncheon with a
+prominent Englishman noted for boasting of his ancestry. Taking a coin
+from his pocket, the Englishman said: "My great-great-grandfather was
+made a lord by the king whose picture you see on this shilling."
+"Indeed!" replied the governor, smiling, as he produced another coin.
+"What a coincidence! My great-great-grandfather was made an angel by the
+Indian whose picture you see on this cent."
+
+
+People will not look forward to posterity, who never look backward to
+their ancestors.--_Burke_.
+
+
+  From yon blue heavens above us bent,
+  The gardener Adam and his wife
+  Smile at the claims of long descent.
+
+  --_Tennyson_.
+
+
+
+
+ANGER
+
+
+Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to
+re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let
+not the sun go down upon your wrath."
+
+"Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down on
+your wrath?"
+
+Charlie squirmed a little. Then:
+
+"Well, how can _I_ stop it?"
+
+
+When a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife's.
+
+
+It is easy enough to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is the
+bigger.
+
+
+
+
+ANNIVERSARIES
+
+
+MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?"
+
+MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two
+presents."
+
+
+
+
+ANTIDOTES
+
+
+"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to
+the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of
+oxalic acid, what would you administer?"
+
+The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry because it
+was obligatory in the course, replied, "I would administer the
+sacrament."
+
+
+
+
+APPEARANCES
+
+
+"How fat and well your little boy looks."
+
+"Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on one
+side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other."
+
+
+
+
+APPLAUSE
+
+
+A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour,
+finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was
+no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough
+hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected spirits. The leading man
+stepped to the foot-lights after the first act and bowed profoundly.
+Still the clapping continued.
+
+When he went behind the scenes he saw an Irish stagehand laughing
+heartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the actor, throwing
+out his chest.
+
+"What d'ye mane?" replied the Irishman.
+
+"Why, the hand-clapping out there," was the reply.
+
+"Hand-clapping?"
+
+"Yes," said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to show
+they appreciate me."
+
+"D'ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi, thot's not
+applause. Thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes."
+
+
+Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak
+ones.--_Colton_.
+
+
+O Popular Applause! what heart of man is proof against thy sweet,
+seducing charms?--_Cowper_.
+
+
+
+
+ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
+
+
+A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim
+details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband:
+
+"This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing he done to stop
+it?"
+
+"I'm afraid not," her husband answered.
+
+"Why don't both sides come together and arbitrate?" she cried.
+
+"They did," said he. "They did, 'way back in June. That's how the
+gol-durned thing started."
+
+
+
+
+ARITHMETIC
+
+
+"He seems to be very clever."
+
+"Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work
+out at school."
+
+
+SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic."
+
+POP--"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure up baseball
+scores and batting averages? Never!"
+
+
+TEACHER--"Now, Johnny, suppose I should borrow $100 from your father and
+should pay him $10 a month for ten months, how much would I then owe
+him?"
+
+JOHNNY--"About $3 interest."
+
+
+"See how I can count, mama," said Kitty. "There's my right foot. That's
+one. There's my left foot. That's two. Two and one make three. Three
+feet make a yard, and I want to go out and play in it!"
+
+
+"Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing smacks had
+an argument one day as to which was the better mathematician," said
+George C. Wiedenmayer the other day. "Finally the captain of their ship
+proposed the following problem which each would try to work out: 'If a
+fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and brought their catch to port
+and sold it at 6 cents a pound, how much would they receive for the
+fish?'
+
+"Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able to
+master the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable to get
+any answer.
+
+"At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat the
+problem. The captain started off: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds
+of cod and--.'
+
+"'Wait a moment,' said Bill, 'is it codfish they caught?'
+
+"'Yep,' said the captain.
+
+"'Darn it all,' said Bill. 'No wonder I couldn't get an answer. Here
+I've been figuring on salmon all the time.'"
+
+
+
+
+ARMIES
+
+
+A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned
+his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a pie
+from the canteen.
+
+As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress
+uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the major
+stopped and said:
+
+"What's that you have there?"
+
+"Pie," said the sentry, good-naturedly. "Apple pie. Have a bite?"
+
+The major frowned.
+
+"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
+
+"No," said the sentry, "unless you're the major's groom."
+
+The major shook his head.
+
+"Guess again," he growled.
+
+"The barber from the village?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Maybe"--here the sentry laughed--"maybe you're the major himself?"
+
+"That's right. I am the major," was the stern reply.
+
+The sentry scrambled to his feet.
+
+"Good gracious!" he exclaimed. "Hold the pie, will you, while I present
+arms!"
+
+
+The battle was going against him. The commander-in-chief, himself ruler
+of the South American republic, sent an aide to the rear, ordering
+General Blanco to bring up his regiment at once. Ten minutes passed; but
+it didn't come. Twenty, thirty, and an hour--still no regiment. The aide
+came tearing back hatless, breathless.
+
+"My regiment! My regiment! Where is it? Where is it?" shrieked the
+commander.
+
+"General," answered the excited aide, "Blanco started it all right, but
+there are a couple of drunken Americans down the road and they won't let
+it go by."
+
+
+An army officer decided to see for himself how his sentries were doing
+their duty. He was somewhat surprised at overhearing the following:
+
+"Halt! Who goes there?"
+
+"Friend--with a bottle."
+
+"Pass, friend. Halt, bottle."
+
+
+"A war is a fearful thing," said Mr. Dolan.
+
+"It is," replied Mr. Rafferty. "When you see the fierceness of members
+of the army toward one another, the fate of a common enemy must be
+horrible."
+
+
+_See also_ Military Discipline.
+
+
+
+
+ARMY RATIONS
+
+
+The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came across a
+private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching on something.
+His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only with the greatest
+effort.
+
+"What are you eating?" demanded the colonel.
+
+"Persimmons, sir."
+
+"Good Heavens! Haven't you got any more sense than to eat persimmons at
+this time of the year? They'll pucker the very stomach out of you."
+
+"I know, sir. That's why I'm eatin' 'em. I'm tryin' to shrink me stomach
+to fit me rations."
+
+
+On the occasion of the annual encampment of a western militia, one of
+the soldiers, a clerk who lived well at home, was experiencing much
+difficulty in disposing of his rations.
+
+A fellow-sufferer nearby was watching with no little amusement the first
+soldier's attempts to Fletcherize a piece of meat. "Any trouble, Tom?"
+asked the second soldier sarcastically.
+
+"None in particular," was the response. Then, after a sullen survey of
+the bit of beef he held in his hand, the amateur fighter observed:
+
+"Bill, I now fully realize what people mean when they speak of the
+sinews of war."--_Howard Morse_.
+
+
+
+
+ART
+
+
+  There was an old sculptor named Phidias,
+  Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.
+    He carved Aphrodite
+    Without any nightie--
+  Which startled the purely fastidious.
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+The friend had dropped in to see D'Auber, the great animal painter, put
+the finishing touches on his latest painting. He was mystified, however,
+when D'Auber took some raw meat and rubbed it vigorously over the
+painted rabbit in the foreground.
+
+"Why on earth did you do that?" he asked.
+
+"Why you see," explained D'Auber, "Mrs Millions is coming to see this
+picture today. When she sees her pet poodle smell that rabbit, and get
+excited over it, she'll buy it on the spot."
+
+
+A young artist once persuaded Whistler to come and view his latest
+effort. The two stood before the canvas for some moments in silence.
+Finally the young man asked timidly, "Don't you think, sir, that this
+painting of mine is--well--er--tolerable?"
+
+Whistler's eyes twinkled dangerously.
+
+"What is your opinion of a tolerable egg?" he asked.
+
+
+The amateur artist was painting sunset, red with blue streaks and green
+dots.
+
+The old rustic, at a respectful distance, was watching.
+
+"Ah," said the artist looking up suddenly, "perhaps to you, too, Nature
+has opened her sky picture page by page! Have you seen the lambent flame
+of dawn leaping across the livid east; the red-stained, sulphurous
+islets floating in the lake of fire in the west; the ragged clouds at
+midnight, black as a raven's wing, blotting out the shuddering moon?"
+
+"No," replied the rustic, "not since I give up drink."
+
+
+Art is indeed not the bread but the wine of life.--_Jean Paul Richter_.
+
+
+Now nature is not at variance with art, nor art with nature; they being
+both the servants of His providence. Art is the perfection of nature.
+Were the world now as it was the sixth day, there were yet a chaos.
+Nature hath made one world, and art another. In brief, all things are
+artificial; for nature is the art of God.--_Sir Thomas Browne_.
+
+
+
+
+ARTISTS
+
+
+ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose."
+
+CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?"
+
+
+"Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made philosopher.
+
+"Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at the dear old factory
+than learning to pronounce the names of the old masters in my
+picture-gallery."
+
+
+CRITIC--"By George, old chap, when I look at one of your paintings I
+stand and wonder--"
+
+ARTIST--"How I do it?"
+
+CRITIC "No; why you do it."
+
+
+He that seeks popularity in art closes the door on his own genius: as he
+must needs paint for other minds, and not for his own.--_Mrs. Jameson_.
+
+
+
+
+ATHLETES
+
+
+The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standing
+on the desk of Mr. Billups.
+
+"That your boy, Billups?" he asked.
+
+"Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton College."
+
+"Looks intellectual rather than athletic," said the caller.
+
+"Oh, he's an athlete all right," said Billups. "When it comes to running
+up accounts, and jumping his board-bill, and lifting his voice, and
+throwing a thirty-two pound bluff, there isn't a gladiator in creation
+that can give my boy Tommie any kind of a handicap. He's just written
+for an extra check."
+
+"And as a proud father you are sending it, I don't doubt," smiled the
+caller.
+
+"Yes," grinned Billups; "I am sending him a rain-check I got at the
+hall-game yesterday. As an athlete, he'll appreciate its
+value."--_J.K.B_.
+
+
+
+
+ATTENTION
+
+
+The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking
+in observation.
+
+To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on the
+board."
+
+Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote sixty-three.
+
+He asked for another number, and seventy-six was given. He wrote
+sixty-seven.
+
+When a third number was asked, a child who apparently had paid no
+attention called out:
+
+"Theventy-theven. Change _that_ you thucker!"
+
+
+
+
+AUTHORS
+
+
+The following is a recipe for an author:
+
+  Take the usual number of fingers,
+  Add paper, manila or white,
+  A typewriter, plenty of postage
+  And something or other to write.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+Oscar Wilde, upon hearing one of Whistler's _bon mots_ exclaimed: "Oh,
+Jimmy; I wish I had said that!" "Never mind, dear Oscar," was the
+rejoinder, "you will!"
+
+
+THE AUTHOR--"Would you advise me to get out a small edition?"
+
+THE PUBLISHER--"Yes, the smaller the better. The more scarce a book is
+at the end of four or five centuries the more money you realize from
+it."
+
+
+AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"Hurray! Five dollars for my latest story, 'The Call
+of the Lure!'"
+
+FAST FRIEND--"Who from?"
+
+AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"The express company. They lost it."
+
+
+A lady who had arranged an authors' reading at her house succeeded in
+persuading her reluctant husband to stay home that evening to assist in
+receiving the guests. He stood the entertainment as long as he
+could--three authors, to be exact--and then made an excuse that he was
+going to open the front door to let in some fresh air. In the hall he
+found one of the servants asleep on a settee.
+
+"Wake up!" he commanded, shaking the fellow roughly. "What does this
+mean, your being asleep out here? You must have been listening at the
+keyhole."
+
+
+An ambitious young man called upon a publisher and stated that he had
+decided to write a book.
+
+"May I venture to inquire as to the nature of the book you propose to
+write?" asked the publisher, very politely.
+
+"Oh," came in an offhand way from the aspirant to literary fame, "I
+think of doing something on the line of 'Les Miserables,' only livelier,
+you know."
+
+
+"So you have had a long siege of nervous prostration?" we say to the
+haggard author. "What caused it? Overwork?"
+
+"In a way, yes," he answers weakly. "I tried to do a novel with a Robert
+W. Chambers hero and a Mary E. Wilkins heroine."--_Life_.
+
+
+Mark Twain at a dinner at the Authors' Club said: "Speaking of fresh
+eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. In my early lecturing days I
+went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon.
+The town seemed very poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the people
+knew anything at all about what was in store for them. So I turned in at
+the general store. 'Good afternoon, friend,' I said to the general
+storekeeper. 'Any entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while
+away his evening?' The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerels,
+straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and said: 'I expect
+there's goin' to be a lecture. I've been sellin' eggs all day."
+
+
+An American friend of Edmond Rostand says that the great dramatist once
+told him of a curious encounter he had had with a local magistrate in a
+town not far from his own.
+
+It appears that Rostand had been asked to register the birth of a
+friend's newly arrived son. The clerk at the registry office was an
+officious little chap, bent on carrying out the letter of the law. The
+following dialogue ensued:
+
+"Your name, sir?"
+
+"Edmond Rostand."
+
+"Vocation?"
+
+"Man of letters, and member of the French Academy."
+
+"Very well, sir. You must sign your name. Can you write? If not, you may
+make a cross."--_Howard Morse_.
+
+
+George W. Cable, the southern writer, was visiting a western city where
+he was invited to inspect the new free library. The librarian conducted
+the famous writer through the building until they finally reached the
+department of books devoted to fiction.
+
+"We have all your books, Mr. Cable," proudly said the librarian. "You
+see there they are--all of them on the shelves there: not one missing."
+
+And Mr. Cable's hearty laugh was not for the reason that the librarian
+thought!
+
+
+Brief History of a Successful Author: From ink-pots to flesh-pots--_R.R.
+Kirk_.
+
+
+"It took me nearly ten years to learn that I couldn't write stories."
+
+"I suppose you gave it up then?"
+
+"No, no. By that time I had a reputation."
+
+
+"I dream my stories," said Hicks, the author.
+
+"How you must dread going to bed!" exclaimed Cynicus.
+
+
+The five-year-old son of James Oppenheim, author of "The Olympian," was
+recently asked what work he was going to do when he became a man. "Oh,"
+Ralph replied, "I'm not going to work at all." "Well, what are you going
+to do, then?" he was asked. "Why," he said seriously, "I'm just going to
+write stories, like daddy."
+
+
+William Dean Howells is the kindliest of critics, but now and then some
+popular novelist's conceit will cause him to bristle up a little.
+
+"You know," said one, fishing for compliments, "I get richer and richer,
+but all the same I think my work is falling off. My new work is not so
+good as my old."
+
+"Oh, nonsense!" said Mr. Howells. "You write just as well as you ever
+did. Your taste is improving, that's all."
+
+
+James Oliver Curwood, a novelist, tells of a recent encounter with the
+law. The value of a short story he was writing depended upon a certain
+legal situation which he found difficult to manage. Going to a lawyer of
+his acquaintance he told him the plot and was shown a way to the desired
+end. "You've saved me just $100," he exclaimed, "for that's what I am
+going to get for this story."
+
+A week later he received a bill from the lawyer as follows: "For
+literary advice, $100." He says he paid.
+
+
+"Tried to skin me, that scribbler did!"
+
+"What did he want?"
+
+"Wanted to get out a book jointly, he to write the book and I to write
+the advertisements. I turned him down. I wasn't going to do all the
+literary work."
+
+
+At a London dinner recently the conversation turned to the various
+methods of working employed by literary geniuses. Among the examples
+cited was that of a well-known poet, who, it is said, was wont to arouse
+his wife about four o'clock in the morning and exclaim, "Maria, get up;
+I've thought of a good word!" Whereupon the poet's obedient helpmate
+would crawl out of bed and make a note of the thought-of word.
+
+About an hour later, like as not, a new inspiration would seize the
+bard, whereupon he would again arouse his wife, saying, "Maria, Maria,
+get up! I've thought of a better word!"
+
+The company in general listened to the story with admiration, but a
+merry-eyed American girl remarked: "Well, if he'd been my husband I
+should have replied, 'Alpheus, get up yourself; I've thought of a bad
+word!'"
+
+
+"There is probably no hell for authors in the next world--they suffer so
+much from critics and publishers in this."--_Bovee_.
+
+
+  A thought upon my forehead,
+     My hand up to my face;
+  I want to be an author,
+     An air of studied grace!
+  I want to be an author,
+    With genius on my brow;
+  I want to be an author,
+    And I want to be it now!
+
+  --_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_.
+
+
+That writer does the most, who gives his reader the most knowledge, and
+takes from him the least time.--_C.C. Colton_.
+
+
+  Habits of close attention, thinking heads,
+  Become more rare as dissipation spreads,
+  Till authors hear at length one general cry
+  Tickle and entertain us, or we die!
+
+  --_Cowper_.
+
+
+The author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a mother
+who talks about her own children.--_Disraeli_.
+
+
+
+
+AUTOMOBILES
+
+
+TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a
+thousand?"
+
+BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car."
+
+
+"How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway.
+
+"Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my income
+generally."
+
+
+"What is the name of your automobile?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"You don't know? What do your folks call it?"
+
+"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom calls it
+'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, 'Our Car'; grandma, 'That
+Peril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak,' and our neighbors, 'The
+Limit.'"--_Life_.
+
+
+"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' and the
+'dead?'" asked the Sunday-school teacher.
+
+Willie waved his hand frantically.
+
+"Well, Willie?"
+
+"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way of
+automobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead.'"
+
+
+"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?"
+
+"Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the blamed
+machine."
+
+
+A little "Brush" chugged painfully up to the gate of a race track.
+
+The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles, called:
+
+"A dollar for the car!"
+
+The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said:
+
+"Sold!"
+
+
+Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread.
+
+
+_See also_ Fords; Profanity.
+
+
+
+
+AUTOMOBILING
+
+
+"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in.
+We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners."
+
+"Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to
+come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire. That's only five miles an
+hour."
+
+"Sure!" said the new constable, "but the speed law round these here
+parts is ten mile an hour, and by Jehosophat I'm goin' to make you
+ottermobile fellers live up to it."
+
+
+Two street pedlers in Bradford, England, bought a horse for $11.25. It
+was killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the car paid them
+$115 for the loss. Thereupon a new industry sprang up on the roads of
+England.
+
+
+"It was very romantic," says the friend. "He proposed to her in the
+automobile."
+
+"Yes?" we murmur, encouragingly.
+
+"And she accepted him in the hospital."
+
+
+"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed," said
+the visitor.
+
+"That goes to show," replied Farmer Corntassel, "how little you
+reformers understand local conditions. I've purty nigh paid off a
+mortgage with the money I made haulm' automobiles out o' that mud-hole."
+
+
+The old lady from the country and her small son were driving to town
+when a huge automobile bore down upon them. The horse was badly
+frightened and began to prance, whereupon the old lady leaped down and
+waved wildly to the chauffeur, screaming at the top of her voice.
+
+The chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse past.
+
+"That's all right," said the boy, who remained composedly in the
+carriage, "I can manage the horse. You just lead Mother past."
+
+
+"What makes you carry that horrible shriek machine for an automobile
+signal?"
+
+"For humane reasons." replied Mr. Chugging. "If I can paralyze a person
+with fear he will keep still and I can run to one side of him."
+
+
+In certain sections of West Virginia there is no liking for
+automobilists, as was evidenced in the case of a Washingtonian who was
+motoring in a sparsely settled region of the State.
+
+This gentleman was haled before a local magistrate upon the complaint of
+a constable. The magistrate, a good-natured man, was not, however,
+absolutely certain that the Washingtonian's car had been driven too
+fast; and the owner stoutly insisted that he had been progressing at the
+rate of only six miles an hour.
+
+"Why, your Honor," he said, "my engine was out of order, and I was going
+very slowly because I was afraid it would break down completely. I give
+you my word, sir, you could have walked as fast as I was running."
+
+"Well," said the magistrate, after due reflection, "you don't appear to
+have been exceeding the speed limit, but at the same time you must have
+been guilty of something, or you wouldn't be here. I fine you ten
+dollars for loitering."--_Fenimore Martin_.
+
+
+
+
+AVIATION
+
+
+The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his
+airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to
+go down again."
+
+"What's wrong?" asked her husband.
+
+"I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my jacket. I
+think I can see it glistening on the ground."
+
+"Keep your seat, my dear," said the aviator, "that's Lake Erie."
+
+
+AVIATOR (to young assistant, who has begun to be frightened)--"Well,
+what do you want now?"
+
+ASSISTANT (whimpering)--"I want the earth."--_Abbie C. Dixon_.
+
+
+When Claude Grahame-White the famous aviator, author of "The Aeroplane
+in War," was in this country not long ago, he was spending a week-end at
+a country home. He tells the following story of an incident that was
+very amusing to him.
+
+"The first night that I arrived, a dinner party was given. Feeling very
+enthusiastic over the recent flights, I began to tell the young woman
+who was my partner at the table of some of the details of the aviation
+sport.
+
+"It was not until the dessert was brought on that I realized that I had
+been doing all the talking; indeed, the young woman seated next me had
+not uttered a single word since I first began talking about aviation.
+Perhaps she was not interested in the subject, I thought, although to an
+enthusiast like me it seemed quite incredible.
+
+"'I am afraid I have been boring you with this shop talk," I said,
+feeling as if I should apologize.
+
+"'Oh, not at all,' she murmured, in very polite tones; 'but would you
+mind telling me, what is aviation?'"--_M.A. Hitchcock_.
+
+
+
+
+AVIATORS
+
+
+  Little drops in water--
+  Little drops on land--
+  Make the aviator,
+  Join the heavenly band.
+
+  --_Satire_.
+
+
+"Are you an experienced aviator?"
+
+"Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all here."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+BABIES
+
+
+_See_ Children.
+
+
+
+
+BACCALAUREATE SERMONS
+
+
+PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an
+honor to the family."
+
+VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to
+try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon."
+
+
+
+
+BACTERIA
+
+
+  There once were some learned M.D.'s,
+  Who captured some germs of disease,
+    And infected a train
+    Which, without causing pain,
+  Allowed one to catch it with ease.
+
+
+Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital.
+
+"Well," said the first, "what's new this morning?"
+
+"I've got a most curious case. Woman, cross-eyed; in fact, so cross-eyed
+that when she cries the tears run down her back."
+
+"What are you doing for her?"
+
+"Just now," was the answer, "we're treating her for bacteria."
+
+
+
+
+BADGES
+
+
+Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance
+society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my room
+and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance badge," she directed her
+maid. "I have forgotten it. You will know it, Addie--blue ribbon and
+gold lettering."
+
+"Yas'm, I knows it right well." Addie could not read, but she knew a
+blue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and therefore had not
+trouble in finding it and fastening it properly on the dress of her
+mistress.
+
+At the meeting Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends to note
+that they smiled when they shook hands with her. When she reached home
+supper was served, so she went directly to the dining-room, where the
+other members of the family were seated.
+
+"Gracious me, Mother!" exclaimed her son: "that blue ribbon--you haven't
+been wearing that at the temperance meeting?"
+
+A loud laugh went up on all sides.
+
+"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at the ribbon
+in surprise.
+
+"Why, Mother dear, didn't you know that was the ribbon I won at the
+show?"
+
+The gold lettering on the ribbon read:
+
+  INTERSTATE POULTRY SHOW
+  First Prize Bantam
+
+
+
+
+BAGGAGE
+
+
+An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, who had
+done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After their first
+greetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow remarked: "Feyther,
+you are not lookin' weel. Is there anything the matter?" The old man
+replied, "Aye, lad, I have had quite an accident." "What was that,
+feyther?" "Mon," he said, "on this journey frae bonnie Scotland I lost
+my luggage." "Dear, dear, that's too bad; 'oo did it happen?" "Aweel"
+replied the Aberdonian, "the cork cam' oot."
+
+
+Johnnie Poe, one of the famous Princeton football family, and
+incidentally a great-nephew of Edgar Allan Poe, was a general in the
+army of Honduras in one of their recent wars. Finally, when things began
+to look black with peace and the American general discovered that his
+princely pay when translated into United States money was about sixty
+cents a day, he struck for the coast. There he found a United States
+warship and asked transportation home.
+
+"Sure," the commander told him. "We'll be glad to have you. Come aboard
+whenever you like and bring your luggage."
+
+"Thanks," said Poe warmly. "I'll sure do that. I only have fifty-four
+pieces."
+
+"What!" exclaimed the commander. "What do you think I'm running? A
+freighter?"
+
+"Oh, well, you needn't get excited about it," purred Poe. "My fifty-four
+pieces consist of one pair of socks and a pack of playing cards."
+
+
+
+
+BALDNESS
+
+
+One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most fashionable way
+of dressing the hair was at work on the job.
+
+Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap,
+watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers would slide
+over the smooth and glossy pate which is Father's.
+
+"No waves for you, Father," remarked the little one. "You're all beach."
+
+
+"Were any of your boyish ambitions ever realized?" asked the
+sentimentalist.
+
+"Yes," replied the practical person. "When my mother used to cut my hair
+I often wished I might be bald-headed."
+
+
+Congressman Longworth is not gifted with much hair, his head being about
+as shiny as a billiard ball.
+
+One day ex-president Taft, then Secretary of War, and Congressman
+Longworth sallied into a barbershop.
+
+"Hair cut?" asked the barber of Longworth.
+
+"Yes," answered the Congressman.
+
+"Oh, no, Nick," commented the Secretary of War from the next chair, "you
+don't want a hair cut; you want a shine."
+
+
+"O, Mother, why are the men in the front baldheaded?"
+
+"They bought their tickets from scalpers, my child."
+
+
+The costumer came forward to attend to the nervous old beau who was
+mopping his bald and shining poll with a big silk handkerchief.
+
+"And what can I do for you?" he asked.
+
+"I want a little help in the way of a suggestion," said the old fellow.
+"I intend going to the French Students' masquerade ball to-night, and I
+want a distinctly original costume--something I may be sure no one else
+will wear. What would you suggest?"
+
+The costumer looked him over attentively, bestowing special notice on
+the gleaming knob.
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," he said then, thoughtfully: "why don't you sugar
+your head and go as a pill?"--_Frank X. Finnegan_.
+
+
+United States Senator Ollie James, of Kentucky, is bald.
+
+"Does being bald bother you much?" a candid friend asked him once.
+
+"Yes, a little," answered the truthful James.
+
+"I suppose you feel the cold severely in winter," went on the friend.
+
+"No; it's not that so much," said the Senator. "The main bother is when
+I'm washing myself--unless I keep my hat on I don't know where my face
+stops."
+
+
+A near-sighted old lady at a dinner-party, one evening, had for her
+companion on the left a very bald-headed old gentleman. While talking to
+the gentleman at her right she dropped her napkin unconsciously. The
+bald-headed gentleman, in stooping to pick it up, touched her arm. The
+old lady turned around, shook her head, and very politely said: "No
+melon, thank you."
+
+
+
+
+BANKS AND BANKING
+
+
+During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money.
+He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using
+cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money.
+
+The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little effect. At
+last the president tried his hand, and after long and minute
+explanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be dawning on the
+farmer's mind. Much encouraged, the president said: "You understand now
+how it is, don't you, Mr.. Schmidt?"
+
+"I t'ink I do," admitted Mr. Schmidt. "It's like dis, aindt it? Ven my
+baby vakes up at night and vants some milk, I gif him a milk ticket."
+
+
+She advanced to the paying teller's window and, handing in a check for
+fifty dollars, stated that it was a birthday present from her husband
+and asked for payment. The teller informed her that she must first
+endorse it.
+
+"I don't know what you mean," she said hesitatingly.
+
+"Why, you see," he explained, "you must write your name on the back, so
+that when we return the check to your husband, he will know we have paid
+you the money."
+
+"Oh, is that all?" she said, relieved.... One minute elapses.
+
+Thus the "endorsement": "Many thanks, dear, I've got the money. Your
+loving wife, Evelyn."
+
+
+FRIEND--"So you're going to make it hot for that fellow who held up the
+bank, shot the cashier, and got away with the ten thousand?"
+
+BANKER--"Yes, indeed. He was entirely too fresh. There's a decent way to
+do that, you know. If he wanted to get the money, why didn't he come
+into the bank and work his way up the way the rest of us did?"--_Puck_.
+
+
+
+
+BAPTISM
+
+
+A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in southern
+Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest but
+fruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wanted
+their souls washed white as snow to stand up. One old darky remained
+sitting.
+
+"Don' yo' want y' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"
+
+"Mah soul done been washed w'ite as snow, pahson."
+
+"Whah wuz yo' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"
+
+"Over yander to the Methodis' chu'ch acrost de railroad."
+
+"Brudder Jones, yo' soul wa'n't washed--hit were dry-cleaned."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+BAPTISTS
+
+
+An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the Methodist
+and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to the reason for
+his church travels he responded:
+
+"Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I couldn't
+keep up wid de answerin' back in dey church. De Methodis', dey always
+holdin' inquiry meetin', and I don't like too much inquirin' into. But
+de Baptis', suh, dey jes' dip and are done wid hit."
+
+
+A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: "Come up en jine de army ob de
+Lohd." "I'se done jined," replied one of the congregation. "Whar'd yoh
+jine?" asked the exhorter. "In de Baptis' Chu'ch." "Why, chile," said
+the exhorter, "yoh ain't in the army; yoh's in de navy."
+
+
+
+
+BARGAINS
+
+
+MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went out
+want?"
+
+SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department."
+
+
+"Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a magnificent and
+endless bargain counter and I looking on without a cent."
+
+
+Newell Dwight Hillis, the now famous New York preacher and author, some
+years ago took charge of the First Presbyterian Church of Evanston,
+Illinois. Shortly after going there he required the services of a
+physician, and on the advice of one of his parishioners called in a
+doctor noted for his ability properly to emphasize a good story, but who
+attended church very rarely. He proved very satisfactory to the young
+preacher, but for some reason could not be induced to render a bill.
+Finally Dr. Hillis, becoming alarmed at the inroads the bill might make
+in his modest stipend, went to the physician and said, "See here,
+Doctor, I must know how much I owe you."
+
+After some urging, the physician replied: "Well, I'll tell you what I'll
+do with you, Hillis. They say you're a pretty good preacher, and you
+seem to think I am a fair doctor, so I'll make this bargain with you.
+I'll do all I can to keep you out of heaven if you do all you can to
+keep me out of hell, and it won't cost either of us a cent. Is it a go?"
+
+
+"My wife and myself are trying to get up a list of club magazines. By
+taking three you get a discount."
+
+"How are you making out?"
+
+"Well, we can get one that I don't want, and one that she doesn't want,
+and one that neither wants for $2.25."
+
+
+
+
+BASEBALL
+
+
+A run in time saves the nine.
+
+
+Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good
+whittler.--_Abe Martin_.
+
+
+"Plague take that girl!"
+
+"My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town."
+
+"That may be. But she obstructs my view of second base."
+
+
+When Miss Cheney, one of the popular teachers in the Swarthmore schools,
+had to deal with a boy who played "hookey," she failed to impress him
+with the evil of his ways.
+
+"Don't you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from school to
+play baseball?" asked Miss Cheney.
+
+"Yessum," replied the lad promptly. "Some of 'em gets to be good players
+and pitch in the big leagues."
+
+
+
+
+BATHS AND BATHING
+
+
+The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in
+connection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The next
+morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready
+to check out.
+
+"Well, did you have a good night's rest?" the clerk asked.
+
+"No, I didn't," replied the Kansan. "The room was all right, and the bed
+was pretty good, but I couldn't sleep very much for I was afraid some
+one would want to take a bath, and the only door to it was through my
+room."
+
+
+RURAL CONSTABLE-"Now then, come out o' that. Bathing's not allowed 'ere
+after 8 a.m."
+
+THE FACE IN THE WATER-"Excuse me, Sergeant, I'm not bathing; I'm only
+drowning."--_Punch_.
+
+
+A woman and her brother lived alone in the Scotch Highlands. She knitted
+gloves and garments to sell in the Lowland towns. Once when she was
+starting out to market her wares, her brother said he would go with her
+and take a dip in the ocean. While the woman was in the town selling
+her work, Sandy was sporting in the waves. When his sister came down to
+join him, however, he met her with a wry face. "Oh, Kirstie," he said,
+"I've lost me weskit." They hunted high and low, but finally as night
+settled down decided that the waves must have carried it out to sea.
+
+The next year, at about the same season, the two again visited the town.
+And while Kirstie sold her wool in the town, Sandy splashed about in the
+brine. When Kirstie joined her brother she found him with a radiant
+face, and he cried out to her, "Oh, Kirstie, I've found me weskit. 'Twas
+under me shirt."
+
+
+In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took an
+Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two privates
+were deputed to strip and wash him.
+
+The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressed
+him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes and
+large cakes of white soap.
+
+After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. He
+saluted his officer and said disconsolately:
+
+"It's no use, sir. It's no use."
+
+"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you washed that
+Afghan yet?"
+
+"It's no use, sir," the private repeated. "We've washed him for two
+hours, but it's no use."
+
+"How do you mean it's no use?" said the officer angrily.
+
+"Why, sir," said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin' him till
+our arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another suit of
+clothes."
+
+
+
+
+BAZARS
+
+
+Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was going
+along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, pointing his
+pistol, began to relieve his victim of his money.
+
+The thief, however, apparently suffered some pangs of remorse. "It's
+pretty rough to be gone through like this, ain't it, sir?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, that's all right, my man," the "held-up" one answered cheerfully.
+"I was on my way to a bazar. You're first, and there's an end of it."
+
+
+
+
+BEARDS
+
+
+  There was an old man with a beard,
+  Who said, "It is just as I feared!--
+    Two owls and a hen,
+    Four larks and a wren,
+  Have all built their nests in my beard."
+
+
+
+
+BEAUTY
+
+
+  If eyes were made for seeing,
+  Then beauty is its own excuse for being.
+
+  --Emerson.
+
+
+  A thing of beauty is a joy forever;
+  Its loveliness increases; it will never
+  Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
+  A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
+  Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.
+
+
+
+
+BEAUTY, PERSONAL
+
+
+  In good looks I am not a star.
+  There are others more lovely by far.
+    But my face--I don't mind it,
+    Because I'm behind it--
+  It's the people in front that I jar.
+
+
+"Shine yer boots, sir?"
+
+"No," snapped the man.
+
+"Shine 'em so's yer can see yer face in 'em?" urged the bootblack.
+
+"No, I tell you!"
+
+"Coward," hissed the bootblack.
+
+
+A farmer returning home late at night, found a man standing beside the
+house with a lighted lantern in his hand. "What are you doing here?" he
+asked, savagely, suspecting he had caught a criminal. For answer came a
+chuckle, and--"It's only mee, zur."
+
+The farmer recognized John, his shepherd.
+
+"It's you, John, is it? What on earth are you doing here this time o'
+night?"
+
+Another chuckle. "I'm a-coortin' Ann, zur."
+
+"And so you've come courting with a lantern, you fool. Why I never took
+a lantern when I courted your mistress."
+
+"No, zur, you didn't, zur," John chuckled. "We can all zee you didn't,
+zur."
+
+
+The senator and the major were walking up the avenue. The senator was
+more than middle-aged and considerably more than fat, and, dearly as the
+major loved him, he also loved his joke.
+
+The senator turned with a pleased expression on his benign countenance
+and said, "Major, did you see that pretty girl smile at me?"
+
+"Oh, that's nothing," replied his friend. "The first time I saw you I
+laughed out loud!"--_Harper's Magazine_.
+
+
+Pat, thinking to enliven the party, stated, with watch in hand: "I'll
+presint a box of candy to the loidy that makes the homeliest face within
+the next three minutes."
+
+The time expired, Pat announced: "Ah, Mrs. McGuire, you get the prize."
+
+"But," protested Mrs. McGuire, "go way wid ye! I wasn't playin' at all."
+
+
+ARTHUR--"They say dear, that people who live together get to look
+alike."
+
+KATE--"Then you must consider my refusal as final."
+
+
+In the negro car of a railway train in one of the gulf states a bridal
+couple were riding--a very light, rather good looking colored girl and a
+typical full blooded negro of possibly a reverted type, with receding
+forehead, protruding eyes, broad, flat nose very thick lips and almost
+no chin. He was positively and aggressively ugly.
+
+They had been married just before boarding the train and, like a good
+many of their white brothers and sisters, were very much interested in
+each other, regardless of the amusement of their neighbors. After
+various "billings and cooings" the man sank down in the seat and,
+resting his head on the lady's shoulder, looked soulfully up into her
+eyes.
+
+She looked fondly down upon him and after a few minutes murmured gently,
+"Laws, honey, ain't yo' shamed to be so han'some?"
+
+
+  Little dabs of powder,
+    Little specks of paint,
+  Make my lady's freckles
+    Look as if they ain't.
+
+  --_Mary A. Fairchild_.
+
+
+  He kissed her on the cheek,
+    It seemed a harmless frolic;
+  He's been laid up a week
+    They say, with painter's colic.
+
+  --_The Christian Register_.
+
+
+MOTHER (to inquisitive child)--"Stand aside. Don't you see the gentleman
+wants to take the lady's picture?"
+
+"Why does he want to?"--_Life_.
+
+
+One day, while walking with a friend in San Francisco, a professor and
+his companion became involved in an argument as to which was the
+handsomer man of the two. Not being able to arrive at a settlement of
+the question, they agreed, in a spirit of fun, to leave it to the
+decision of a Chinaman who was seen approaching them. The matter being
+laid before him, the Oriental considered long and carefully; then he
+announced in a tone of finality, "Both are worse."
+
+
+"What a homely woman!"
+
+"Sir, that is my wife. I'll have you understand it is a woman's
+privilege to be homely."
+
+"Gee, then she abused the privilege."
+
+
+Beauty is worse than wine; it intoxicates both the holder and the
+beholder.--_Zimmermann_.
+
+
+
+
+BEDS
+
+
+A western politician tells the following story as illustrating the
+inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the
+country.
+
+Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota, where he was
+to make a speech the following day, he found that the so-called hotel
+was crowded to the doors. Not having telegraphed for accommodations, the
+politician discovered that he would have to make shift as best he could.
+Accordingly, he was obliged for that night to sleep on a wire cot which
+had only some blankets and a sheet on it. As the politician is an
+extremely fat man, he found his improvised bed anything but comfortable.
+
+"How did you sleep?" asked a friend in the morning.
+
+"Fairly well," answered the fat man, "but I looked like a waffle when I
+got up."
+
+
+
+
+BEER
+
+
+  A man to whom illness was chronic,
+  When told that he needed a tonic,
+    Said, "O Doctor dear,
+    Won't you please make it beer?"
+  "No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic."
+
+
+
+
+BEES
+
+
+TEACHER--"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee'?"
+
+TOMMY--"No; I only know he doth it!"
+
+
+
+
+BEETLES
+
+
+  Now doth the frisky June Bug
+    Bring forth his aeroplane,
+  And try to make a record,
+    And busticate his brain!
+
+  He bings against the mirror,
+    He bangs against the door,
+  He caroms on the ceiling,
+    And turtles on the floor!
+
+  He soars aloft, erratic,
+    He lands upon my neck,
+  And makes me creep and shiver,
+    A neurasthenic wreck!
+
+  --_Charles Irvin Junkin_.
+
+
+
+
+BEGGING
+
+
+THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)--"Poor man! And are you
+married?"
+
+BEGGAR--"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on total strangers
+for support if I had a wife?"
+
+
+MAN--"Is there any reason why I should give you five cents?"
+
+BOY--"Well, if I had a nice high hat like yours I wouldn't want it
+soaked with snowballs."
+
+
+MILLIONAIRE (to ragged beggar)--"You ask alms and do not even take your
+hat off. Is that the proper way to beg?"
+
+BEGGAR--"Pardon me, sir. A policeman is looking at us from across the
+street. If I take my hat off he'll arrest me for begging; as it is, he
+naturally takes us for old friends."
+
+
+Once, while Bishop Talbot, the giant "cowboy bishop," was attending a
+meeting of church dignitaries in St. Paul, a tramp accosted a group of
+churchmen in the hotel porch and asked for aid.
+
+"No," one of them told him, "I'm afraid we can't help you. But you see
+that big man over there?" pointing to Bishop Talbot.
+
+"Well, he's the youngest bishop of us all, and he's a very generous man.
+You might try him."
+
+The tramp approached Bishop Talbot confidently. The others watched with
+interest. They saw a look of surprise come over the tramp's face. The
+bishop was talking eagerly. The tramp looked troubled. And then,
+finally, they saw something pass from one hand to the other. The tramp
+tried to slink past the group without speaking, but one of them called
+to him:
+
+"Well, did you get something from our young brother?"
+
+The tramp grinned sheepishly. "No," he admitted, "I gave him a dollar
+for his damned new cathedral at Laramie!"
+
+
+  To get thine ends, lay bashfulnesse aside;
+  Who feares to aske, doth teach to be deny'd.
+
+  --_Herrick_.
+
+
+  Well, whiles I am a beggar I will rail
+  And say, there is no sin but to be rich;
+  And being rich, my virtue then shall be
+  To say, there is no vice but beggary.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+_See also_ Flattery; Millionaires.
+
+
+
+
+BETTING
+
+
+The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting.
+
+"I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can fire
+twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly without
+waiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars that I can."
+
+"Done!" cried a major.
+
+The whole mess was on hand early next morning to see the experiment
+tried.
+
+The lieutenant fired.
+
+"Miss," he calmly announced.
+
+A second shot.
+
+"Miss," he repeated.
+
+A third shot.
+
+"Miss."
+
+"Here, there! Hold on!" protested the major. "What are you trying to do?
+You're not shooting for the target at all."
+
+"Of course not," admitted the lieutenant. "I'm firing for those cigars."
+And he got them.
+
+
+Two old cronies went into a drug store in the downtown part of New York
+City, and, addressing the proprietor by his first name, one of them
+said:
+
+"Dr. Charley, we have made a bet of the ice-cream sodas. We will have
+them now and when the bet is decided the loser will drop in and pay for
+them."
+
+As the two old fellows were departing after enjoying their temperance
+beverage, the druggist asked them what the wager was.
+
+"Well," said one of them, "our friend George bets that when the tower of
+the Singer Building falls, it will topple over toward the North River,
+and I bet that it won't."
+
+
+
+
+BIBLE INTERPRETATION
+
+
+"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa's
+got?" asked Percy of his governess.
+
+"Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?"
+
+"Well, it says here that the Lord gave Moses two tablets."
+
+
+"Mr. Preacher," said a white man to a colored minister who was
+addressing his congregation, "you are talking about Cain, and you say he
+got married in the land of Nod, after he killed Abel. But the Bible
+mentions only Adam and Eve as being on earth at that time. Who, then,
+did Cain marry?"
+
+The colored preacher snorted with unfeigned contempt. "Huh!" he said,
+"you hear dat, brederen an' sisters? You hear dat fool question I am
+axed? Cain, he went to de land o' Nod just as de Good Book tells us, an'
+in de land o' Nod Cain gits so lazy an' so shif'less dat he up an'
+marries a gal o' one o' dem no' count pore white trash families dat de
+inspired apostle didn't consider fittin' to mention in de Holy Word."
+
+
+
+
+BIGAMY
+
+
+  There once was an old man of Lyme.
+  Who married three wives at a time:
+    When asked, "Why a third?"
+    He replied, "One's absurd!
+  And bigamy, sir, is a crime."
+
+
+
+
+BILLS
+
+
+The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised to
+"When there's a bill we're away."
+
+
+YOUNG DOCTOR--"Why do you always ask your patients what they have for
+dinner?"
+
+OLD DOCTOR--"It's a most important question, for according to their
+menus I make out my bills."
+
+
+Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, hired
+him to drive her to the various points of interest around the country.
+He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving such items of
+information as he possessed.
+
+The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be
+necessary for you to talk."
+
+When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked
+"Extra."
+
+"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item.
+
+"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, but
+when I do I charge for it."--_E. Egbert_.
+
+
+PATIENT (_angrily_)--"The size of your bill makes my blood boil."
+
+DOCTOR--"Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your system."
+
+
+At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five doctors were
+in consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration.
+
+The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for a few
+moments, he turned his head toward the group and whispered with a dry
+chuckle:
+
+"Just send in your bills, gentlemen; that will bring it on at once."
+
+
+"Thank Heaven, those bills are got rid of," said Bilkins, fervently, as
+he tore up a bundle of statements of account dated October 1st.
+
+"All paid, eh?" said Mrs. Bilkins.
+
+"Oh, no," said Bilkins. "The duplicates dated November 1st have come in
+and I don't have to keep these any longer."
+
+
+
+
+BIRTHDAYS
+
+
+When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a
+birthday she takes a year off.
+
+
+
+
+BLUFFING
+
+
+Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he was a
+member of a company playing "She Stoops to Conquer," a man without any
+money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the box-office in a small
+town and said:
+
+"Pass me in, please."
+
+The box-office man gave a loud, harsh laugh.
+
+"Pass you in? What for?" he asked.
+
+The applicant drew himself up and answered haughtily:
+
+"What for? Why, because I am Oliver Goldsmith, author of the play."
+
+"Oh, I beg your pardon, sir," replied the box-office man, as he
+hurriedly wrote out an order for a box.
+
+
+
+
+BLUNDERS
+
+
+An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a
+determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. "I want to
+look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power."
+
+"Yes, ma'am," replied the salesman; "something very strong?"
+
+"Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder
+which I never want to repeat."
+
+"Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?"
+
+"No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a black-berry."
+
+
+The ship doctor of an English liner notified the death watch steward, an
+Irishman, that a man had died in stateroom 45. The usual instructions to
+bury the body were given. Some hours later the doctor peeked into the
+room and found that the body was still there. He called the Irishman's
+attention to the matter and the latter replied:
+
+"I thought you said room 46. I wint to that room and noticed wan of thim
+in a bunk. 'Are ye dead?' says I. 'No,' says he, 'but I'm pretty near
+dead.'
+
+"So I buried him."
+
+
+Telephone girls sometimes glory in their mistakes if there is a joke in
+consequence. The story is told by a telephone operator in one of the
+Boston exchanges about a man who asked her for the number of a local
+theater.
+
+He got the wrong number and, without asking to whom he was talking, he
+said, "Can I get a box for two to-night?"
+
+A startled voice answered him at the other end of the line, "We don't
+have boxes for two."
+
+"Isn't this the ---- Theater?" he called crossly.
+
+"Why, no," was the answer, "this is an undertaking shop."
+
+He canceled his order for a "box for two."
+
+
+A good Samaritan, passing an apartment house in the small hours of the
+morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway.
+
+"What's the matter?" he asked, "Drunk?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+"Do you live in this house?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+"Do you want me to help you upstairs?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figure
+up the stairway to the second floor.
+
+"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for a
+companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door he
+came to and pushed the limp figure in.
+
+The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was passing
+through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of
+another man, apparently in worse condition than the first one.
+
+"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?"
+
+"Yep," was the feeble reply.
+
+"Do you live in this house, too?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+"Shall I help you upstairs?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+The good Samaritan pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second floor,
+where this man also said he lived. He opened the same door and pushed
+him in.
+
+As he reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third man,
+evidently worse off than either of the other two. He was about to
+approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the
+street and threw himself into the arms of a passing policeman.
+
+"For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he gasped, "protect me from that man. He's
+done nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n throw me down th'
+elevator shaf."
+
+
+  There was a young man from the city,
+  Who met what he thought was a kitty;
+    He gave it a pat,
+    And said, "Nice little cat!"
+  And they buried his clothes out of pity.
+
+
+
+
+BOASTING
+
+
+Maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar in
+the world couldn't if he tried.
+
+"What sort of chap is he?"
+
+"Well, after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tell
+you he 'gave a little dinner to an acquaintance of his.'"--_R.R.
+Kirk_.
+
+
+WILLIE--"All the stores closed on the day my uncle died."
+
+TOMMY--"That's nothing. All the banks closed for three
+weeks the day after my pa left town."--_Puck_.
+
+
+Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one:
+
+"My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big that
+when he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cows
+he kisses us all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the following
+Saturday."
+
+"Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked.
+
+"Because the barn is so far away from the house."
+
+"Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to my
+father's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger
+than a city lot!"
+
+"Why, how big is your father's farm?"
+
+"Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couples
+out to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought back
+by their grandchildren."
+
+
+
+
+BONANZAS
+
+
+A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine
+speculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussing
+the subject of his speculation, when one of them said
+to this Western member:
+
+"Old chap, as an expert, give us a definition of the term,
+'bonanza.'"
+
+"A 'bonanza,'" replied the Western man with emphasis, "is
+a hole in the ground owned by a champion liar!"
+
+
+
+
+BOOKKEEPING
+
+
+Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays,
+and at his father's request produced his account book, duly kept
+at school. Among the items "S. P. G." figured largely and
+frequently. "Darling boy," fondly exclaimed his doting mamma:
+"see how good he is--always giving to the missionaries." But
+Tommy's sister knew him better than even his mother did, and
+took the first opportunity of privately inquiring what those mystic
+letters stood for. Nor was she surprised ultimately to find that
+they represented, not the venerable Society for the Propagation
+of the Gospel, but "Sundries, Probably Grub."
+
+
+
+
+BOOKS AND READING
+
+
+LADY PRESIDENT--"What book has helped you most?"
+
+NEW MEMBER--"My husband's check-book."--_Martha Young_.
+
+
+"You may send me up the complete works of Shakespeare,
+Goethe and Emerson--also something to read."
+
+
+There are three classes of bookbuyers: Collectors, women
+and readers.
+
+
+The owner of a large library solemnly warned a friend against
+the practice of lending books. To punctuate his advice he
+showed his friend the well-stocked shelves. "There!" said he.
+"Every one of those books was lent me."
+
+
+In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature,
+the oldest.--_Bulwer-Lytton_.
+
+
+Learning hath gained most by those books by which the
+Printers have lost.--_Fuller_.
+
+
+  Books should to one of these four ends conduce,
+  For wisdom, piety, delight, or use.
+
+  --_Sir John Denham_.
+
+
+A darky meeting another coming from the library with a book accosted him
+as follows:
+
+"What book you done got there, Rastus?"
+
+"'Last Days of Pompeii.'"
+
+"Last days of Pompey? Is Pompey dead? I never heard about it. Now what
+did Pompey die of?"
+
+"I don't 'xactly know, but it must hab been some kind of 'ruption."
+
+
+"I don't know what to give Lizzie for a Christmas present," one chorus
+girl is reported to have said to her mate while discussing the gift to
+be made to a third.
+
+"Give her a book," suggested the other.
+
+And the first one replied meditatively, "No, she's got a
+book."--_Literary Digest_.
+
+
+
+
+BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING
+
+
+A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending orders:
+
+  AS ORDERED                 CORRECT TITLE
+  _Lame as a Roble_          _Les Misérables_
+  _God's Image in Mud_       _God's Image in Man_
+  _Pair of Saucers_          _Paracelsus_
+  _Pierre and His Poodle_    _Pierre and His People_
+
+
+When a customer in a Boston department store asked a clerk for Hichens's
+_Bella Donna_, the reply was, "Drug counter, third aisle over."
+
+
+It was a few days before Christmas in one of New York's large
+book-stores.
+
+CLERK--"What is it, please?"
+
+CUSTOMER--"I would like Ibsen's _A Doll's House_."
+
+CLERK--"To cut out?"
+
+
+
+
+BOOKWORMS
+
+
+"A book-worm," said papa, "is a person who would rather read than eat,
+or it is a worm that would rather eat than read."
+
+
+
+
+BOOMERANGS
+
+
+_See_ Repartee; Retaliation.
+
+
+
+
+BORES
+
+
+"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just mentioned? I
+don't believe I have met him."
+
+"Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of them looks
+bored to death, the other is Gabbleton."--_Puck_.
+
+
+A man who was a well known killjoy was described as a great athlete. He
+could throw a wet blanket two hundred yards in any gathering.
+
+
+_See_ also Conversation; Husbands; Preaching; Public speakers;
+Reformers.
+
+
+
+
+BORROWERS
+
+
+A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been a power
+in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the Pontchartrain
+Hotel and said:
+
+"What do you think? I have just received the prize insult of my life. A
+paper down in Muncie, Ind., offered me a job."
+
+"Do you call that an insult?"
+
+"Not the job, but the salary. They offered me twelve dollars a week."
+
+"Well," said the friend, "twelve dollars a week is better than nothing."
+
+"Twelve a week--thunder!" exclaimed the old scribe. "I can borrow more
+than that right here in Detroit."--_Detroit Free Press_.
+
+
+One winter morning Henry Clay, finding himself in need of money, went to
+the Riggs Bank and asked for the loan of $250 on his personal note. He
+was told that while his credit was perfectly good, it was the inflexible
+rule of the bank to require an indorser. The great statesman hunted up
+Daniel Webster and asked him to indorse the note.
+
+"With pleasure," said Webster. "But I need some money myself. Why not
+make your note for five hundred, and you and I will split it?"
+
+This they did. And to-day the note is in the Riggs Bank--unpaid.
+
+
+
+
+BOSSES
+
+
+The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell.
+
+"Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to the
+door.
+
+"I want to see the boss of the house," replied the insurance agent. "Are
+you the boss?"
+
+"No," meekly returned the man who came to the door; "I'm only the
+husband of the boss. Step in, I'll call the boss."
+
+The insurance agent took a seat in the hall, and in a short time a tall
+dignified woman appeared.
+
+"So you want to see the boss?" repeated the woman. "Well, just step into
+the kitchen. This way, please. Bridget, this gentleman desires to see
+you."
+
+"Me th' boss!" exclaimed Bridget, when the insurance agent asked her the
+question. "Indade Oi'm not! Sure here comes th' boss now."
+
+She pointed to a small boy of ten years who was coming toward the house.
+
+"Tell me," pleaded the insurance agent, when the lad came into the
+kitchen, "are you the boss of the house?"
+
+"Want to see the boss?" asked the boy. "Well, you just come with me."
+
+Wearily the insurance agent climbed up the stairs. He was ushered into a
+room on the second floor and guided to the crib of a sleeping baby.
+
+"There!" exclaimed the boy, "that's the real boss of this house."
+
+
+
+
+BOSTON
+
+
+A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his lonely cabin
+in the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful and happy."
+"Yes," replied the one of the pick and shovel. "I spent a week in Boston
+once, and no matter what happens to me now, it seems good luck in
+comparison."
+
+
+A little Boston girl with exquisitely long golden curls and quite an
+angelic appearance in general, came in from an afternoon walk with her
+nurse and said to her mother, "Oh, Mamma, a strange woman on the street
+said to me, 'My, but ain't you got beautiful hair!'"
+
+The mother smiled, for the compliment was well merited, but she gasped
+as the child innocently continued her account:
+
+"I said to her, 'I am very glad to have you like my hair, but I am sorry
+to hear you use the word "ain't"!'"--_E. R. Bickford_.
+
+
+NAN--"That young man from Boston is an interesting talker, so far as you
+can understand what he says; but what a queer dialect he uses."
+
+FAN--"That isn't dialect; it's vocabulary. Can't you tell the
+difference?"
+
+
+A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter's gate he was asked
+the usual questions:
+
+"What is your name, and where are you from?"
+
+The answer was, "Mr. So-and-So, from Boston."
+
+"You may come in," said Peter, "but I know you won't like it."
+
+
+  There was a young lady from Boston,
+  A two-horned dilemma was tossed on,
+    As to which was the best,
+    To be rich in the west
+  Or poor and peculiar in Boston.
+
+
+
+
+BOXING
+
+
+John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving boxing
+lessons.
+
+"Well, son, I tried it once," replied Mr. Sullivan. "A husky young man
+took one lesson from me and went home a little the worse for wear. When
+he came around for his second lesson he said: 'Mr Sullivan, it was my
+idea to learn enough about boxing from you to be able to lick a certain
+young gentleman what I've got it in for. But I've changed my mind,' says
+he. 'If it's all the same to you, Mr. Sullivan, I'll send this young
+gentleman down here to take the rest of my lessons for me.'"
+
+
+
+
+BOYS
+
+
+A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical advent
+of earthquakes. One year before the season of these terrestrial
+disturbances, Mr. X., who lived in the danger zone, sent his two sons to
+the home of a brother in England, to secure them from the impending
+havoc.
+
+Evidently the quiet of the staid English household was disturbed by the
+irruption of the two West Indians, for the returning mail steamer
+carried a message to Mr. X., brief but emphatic:
+
+"Take back your boys; send me the earthquake."
+
+
+Aunt Eliza came up the walk and said to her small nephew: "Good morning,
+Willie. Is your mother in?"
+
+"Sure she's in," replied Willie truculently. "D'you s'pose I'd be
+workin' in the garden on Saturday morning if she wasn't?"
+
+
+An iron hoop bounded through the area railings of a suburban house and
+played havoc with the kitchen window. The woman waited, anger in her
+eyes, for the appearance of the hoop's owner. Presently he came.
+
+"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and here's Father to mend
+it."
+
+And, sure enough, he was followed by a stolid-looking workman, who at
+once started to work, while the small boy took his hoop and ran off.
+
+"That'll be four bits, ma'am," announced the glazier when the window was
+whole once more.
+
+"Four bits!" gasped the woman. "But your little boy broke it--the little
+fellow with the hoop, you know. You're his father, aren't you?"
+
+The stolid man shook his head.
+
+"Don't know him from Adam," he said. "He came around to my place and
+told me his mother wanted her winder fixed. You're his mother, aren't
+you?"
+
+And the woman shook her head also.--_Ray Trum Nathan_.
+
+
+_See also_ Egotism; Employers and employees; Office boys.
+
+
+
+
+BREAKFAST FOODS
+
+
+Pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted ears of
+corn.
+
+"You are going to invent a new kind of breakfast food," interpreted
+Joseph.--_Judge_.
+
+
+
+
+BREATH
+
+
+One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She
+asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of
+the time. One little girl spoke up and said:
+
+"Yes'm, when it is a cold day I can see the smoke."
+
+
+Said the bibulous gentleman who had been reading birth and death
+statistics: "Do you know, James, every time I breathe a man dies?"
+
+"Then," said James, "why don't you chew cloves?"
+
+
+
+
+BREVITY
+
+
+An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity of the
+Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat down.
+
+
+A negro servant, on being ordered to announce visitors to a dinner
+party, was directed to call out in a loud, distinct voice their names.
+The first to arrive was the Fitzgerald family, numbering eight persons.
+The negro announced Major Fitzgerald, Miss Fitzgerald, Master
+Fitzgerald, and so on.
+
+This so annoyed the master that he went to the negro and said, "Don't
+announce each person like that; say something shorter."
+
+The next to arrive were Mr. and Mrs. Penny and their daughter. The negro
+solemnly opened the door and called out, "Thrupence!"
+
+
+Dr. Abernethy, the famous Scotch surgeon, was a man of few words, but he
+once met his match--in a woman. She called at his office in Edinburgh,
+one day, with a hand badly inflamed and swollen. The following dialogue,
+opened by the doctor, took place.
+
+"Burn?"
+
+"Bruise."
+
+"Poultice."
+
+The next day the woman called, and the dialogue was as follows:
+
+"Better?"
+
+"Worse."
+
+"More poultice."
+
+Two days later the woman made another call.
+
+"Better?"
+
+"Well. Fee?"
+
+"Nothing. Most sensible woman I ever saw."
+
+
+
+
+BRIBERY
+
+
+A judge, disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an agreement
+in a perfectly evident case, rose and said, "I discharge this jury."
+
+One sensitive talesman, indignant at what he considered a rebuke,
+obstinately faced the judge.
+
+"You can't discharge me," he said in tones of one standing upon his
+rights.
+
+"And why not?" asked the surprised judge.
+
+"Because," announced the juror, pointing to the lawyer for the defense,
+"I'm being hired by that man there!"
+
+
+
+
+BRIDES
+
+
+"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the
+dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed that there's
+never cream on this milk?"
+
+"I spoke to the milkman about it," she replied, "and he explained that
+the company always fill their bottles so full that there's no room for
+cream on top."
+
+
+"Do you think only of me?" murmured the bride. "Tell me that you think
+only of me."
+
+"It's this way," explained the groom gently. "Now and then I have to
+think of the furnace, my dear."
+
+
+
+
+BRIDGE WHIST
+
+
+"How about the sermon?"
+
+"The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at bridge."
+
+"You don't say! Did he mention any names?"
+
+
+
+
+BROOKLYN
+
+
+At the Brooklyn Bridge.--"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?"
+
+"No, I have to."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS
+
+
+Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ Clark's
+friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch fobs so
+popular during the election. On being asked the reason for this, Champ
+replied: "Oh, that's to keep my watch running."
+
+
+
+
+BUILDINGS
+
+
+Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New York.
+
+"Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" asked the
+parish priest.
+
+"Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last one I
+worked on we had to lay on our stomachs to let the moon pass."
+
+
+
+
+BURGLARS
+
+
+A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a
+good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on the
+shoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a venerable, mild-eyed
+clergyman gazing sadly at him.
+
+"Oh, my brother," groaned the reverend gentleman, "wouldst thou rob me?
+Turn, I beseech thee--turn from thy evil ways. Return those stolen goods
+and depart in peace, for I am merciful and forgive. Begone!"
+
+And the burglar, only too thankful at not being given into custody of
+the police, obeyed and slunk swiftly off.
+
+Then the good old man carefully and quietly packed the swag into another
+bag and walked softly (so as not to disturb the slumber of the inmates)
+out of the house and away into the silent night.
+
+
+
+
+BUSINESS
+
+
+A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while
+cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the
+following:
+
+"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Do you drink yourself?"
+
+"That's _my_ business!" angrily.
+
+Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: "Have you any other business?"
+
+
+At the Boston Immigration Station one blank was recently filled out as
+follows:
+
+Name--Abraham Cherkowsky.
+Born--Yes.
+Business--Rotten.
+
+
+
+
+BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
+
+
+It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. One
+morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big
+sign--"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left--"Closing Out at Cost." Twenty
+minutes later there appeared over his own door, in larger letters, "Main
+Entrance."
+
+
+In a section of Washington where there are a number of hotels and cheap
+restaurants, one enterprising concern has displayed in great illuminated
+letters, "Open All Night." Next to it was a restaurant bearing with
+equal prominence the legend:
+
+"We Never Close."
+
+Third in order was a Chinese laundry in a little, low-framed, tumbledown
+hovel, and upon the front of this building was the sign, in great,
+scrawling letters:
+
+"Me wakee, too."
+
+
+A boy looking for something to do saw the sign "Boy Wanted" hanging
+outside of a store in New York. He picked up the sign and entered the
+store.
+
+The proprietor met him. "What did you bring that sign in here for?"
+asked the storekeeper.
+
+"You won't need it any more," said the boy cheerfully. "I'm going to
+take the job."
+
+
+A Chinaman found his wife lying dead in a field one morning; a tiger had
+killed her.
+
+The Chinaman went home, procured some arsenic, and, returning to the
+field, sprinkled it over the corpse.
+
+The next day the tiger's dead body lay beside the woman's. The Chinaman
+sold the tiger's skin to a mandarin, and its body to a physician to make
+fear-cure powders, and with the proceeds he was able to buy a younger
+wife.
+
+
+A rather simple-looking lad halted before a blacksmith's shop on his way
+home from school and eyed the doings of the proprietor with much
+interest.
+
+The brawny smith, dissatisfied with the boy's curiosity, held a piece of
+red-hot iron suddenly under the youngster's nose, hoping to make him
+beat a hasty retreat.
+
+"If you'll give me half a dollar I'll lick it," said the lad.
+
+The smith took from his pocket half a dollar and held it out.
+
+The simple-looking youngster took the coin, licked it, dropped it in his
+pocket and slowly walked away whistling.
+
+
+"Do you know where Johnny Locke lives, my little boy?" asked a
+gentle-voiced old lady.
+
+"He aint home, but if you give me a penny I'll find him for you right
+off," replied the lad.
+
+"All right, you're a nice little boy. Now where is he?"
+
+"Thanks--I'm him."
+
+
+"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need,"
+would seem to be the principle of the Chinese storekeeper whom a
+traveler tells about. The Chinaman asked $2.50 for five pounds of tea,
+while he demanded $7.50 for ten pounds of the same brand. His business
+philosophy was expressed in these words of explanation: "More buy, more
+rich--more rich, more can pay!"
+
+
+In a New York street a wagon loaded with lamp globes collided with a
+truck and many of the globes were smashed. Considerable sympathy was
+felt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the shattered fragments. A
+benevolent-looking old gentleman eyed him compassionately.
+
+"My poor man," he said, "I suppose you will have to make good this loss
+out of your own pocket?"
+
+"Yep," was the melancholy reply.
+
+"Well, well," said the philanthropic old gentleman, "hold out your
+hat--here's a quarter for you; and I dare say some of these other people
+will give you a helping hand too."
+
+The driver held out his hat and several persons hastened to drop coins
+in it. At last, when the contributions had ceased, he emptied the
+contents of his hat into his pocket. Then, pointing to the retreating
+figure of the philanthropist who had started the collection, he
+observed: "Say, maybe he ain't the wise guy! That's me boss!"
+
+
+
+
+BUSINESS ETHICS
+
+
+"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay
+your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?"
+
+"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly.
+
+"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.
+
+"No, ma'am, I know it ain't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."
+
+
+
+
+BUSINESS WOMEN
+
+
+Wanted--A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object matrimony.
+
+
+
+
+CAMPAIGNS
+
+
+_See_ Candidates; Public speakers.
+
+
+
+
+CAMPING
+
+
+Camp life is just one canned thing after another.
+
+
+
+
+CANDIDATES
+
+
+"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as a
+candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish to speak,"
+said Private John Allen recently to some friends at the old Metropolitan
+Hotel in Washington.
+
+"An old darky came up to greet me after the meeting. 'Marse Allen,' he
+said, 'I's powerful glad to see you. I's known ob you sense you was a
+babby. Knew yoh pappy long befo' you-all wuz bohn, too. He used to hold
+de same office you got now. I 'members how he held dat same office fo'
+years an' years.'
+
+"'What office do you mean, uncle?' I asked, as I never knew pop held any
+office.
+
+"'Why, de office ob candidate, Marse John; yoh pappy was candidate fo'
+many years.'"
+
+
+A good story is told on the later Senator Vance. He was traveling down
+in North Carolina, when he met an old darky one Sunday morning. He had
+known the old man for many years, so he took the liberty of inquiring
+where he was going.
+
+"I am, sah, pedestrianin' my appointed way to de tabernacle of de
+Lord."
+
+"Are you an Episcopalian?" inquired Vance.
+
+"No, sah, I can't say dat I am an Epispokapillian."
+
+"Maybe you are a Baptist?"
+
+"No, sah, I can't say dat I's ever been buried wid de Lord in de waters
+of baptism."
+
+"Oh, I see you are a Methodist."
+
+"No, sah, I can't say dat I's one of dose who hold to argyments of de
+faith of de Medodists."
+
+"What are you, then, uncle?"
+
+"I's a Presbyterian, Marse Zeb, just de same as you is."
+
+"Oh nonsense, uncle, you don't mean to say that you subscribe to all the
+articles of the Presbyterian faith?"
+
+"'Deed I do sah."
+
+"Do you believe in the doctrine of election to be saved?"
+
+"Yas, sah, I b'lieve in the doctrine of 'lection most firmly and
+un'quivactin'ly."
+
+"Well then tell me do you believe that I am elected to be saved?"
+
+The old darky hesitated. There was undoubtedly a terrific struggle going
+on in his mind between his veracity and his desire to be polite to the
+Senator. Finally he compromised by saying:
+
+"Well, I'll tell you how it is, Marse Zeb. You see I's never heard of
+anybody bein' 'lected to anything for what they wasn't a candidate. Has
+you, sah?"
+
+
+A political office in a small town was vacant. The office paid $250 a
+year and there was keen competition for it. One of the candidates,
+Ezekiel Hicks, was a shrewd old fellow, and a neat campaign fund was
+turned over to him. To the astonishment of all, however, he was
+defeated.
+
+"I can't account for it," said one of the leaders of Hicks' party,
+gloomily.
+
+"With that money we should have won. How did you lay it out, Ezekiel."
+
+"Well," said Ezekiel, slowly pulling his whiskers, "yer see that office
+only pays $250 a year salary, an' I didn't see no sense in paying $900
+out to get the office, so I bought a little truck farm instead."
+
+
+The little daughter of a Democratic candidate for a local office in
+Saratoga County, New York, when told that her father had got the
+nomination, cried out, "Oh, mama, do they ever die of it?"
+
+
+"I am willing," said the candidate, after he had hit the table a
+terrible blow with his fist, "to trust the people."
+
+"Gee!" yelled a little man in the audience. "I wish you'd open a
+grocery."
+
+
+"Now, Mr. Blank," said a temperance advocate to a candidate for
+municipal honors, "I want to ask you a question. Do you ever take
+alcoholic drinks?"
+
+"Before I answer the question," responded the wary candidate,
+
+"I want to know whether it is put as an inquiry or as an invitation!"
+
+
+_See also_ Politicians.
+
+
+
+
+CANNING AND PRESERVING
+
+
+  A canner, exceedingly canny,
+  One morning remarked to his granny,
+    "A canner can can
+    Anything that he can;
+  But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
+
+  --Carolyn Wells.
+
+
+
+
+CAPITALISTS
+
+
+Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: "Bishop
+Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpit
+utterances. Once, during a disastrous strike, a capitalist of Fond du
+Lac arose in a church meeting and asked leave to speak. The bishop gave
+him the floor, and the man delivered himself of a long panegyric upon
+captains of industry, upon the good they do by giving men work, by
+booming the country, by reducing the cost of production, and so forth.
+When the capitalist had finished his self-praise and, flushed and
+satisfied, had sat down again, Bishop Grafton rose and said with quiet
+significance: 'Is there any other sinner that would like to say a
+word?'"
+
+
+
+
+CAREFULNESS
+
+
+Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the
+Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. When the
+butler admitted him he said to Dugan:
+
+"You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just been
+polished."
+
+"They's no danger iv me slippin' on thim," replied Dugan. "I hov spikes
+in me shoes."--_Lippincott's_.
+
+
+
+
+CARPENTERS
+
+
+While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had occasion to
+employ a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain Connecticut
+Yankee, without any frills.
+
+"You thoroughly understand carpentry?" asked the senator.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"You can make doors, windows, and blinds?"
+
+"Oh, yes sir!"
+
+"How would you make a Venetian blind?"
+
+The man scratched his head and thought deeply for a few seconds. "I
+should think, sir," he said finally, "about the best way would be to
+punch him in the eye."
+
+
+
+
+CARVING
+
+
+To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host is
+carving):
+
+  May one give us peace in all our States,
+  And the other a piece for all our plates.
+
+
+
+
+CASTE
+
+
+In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the old
+style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, banjoists, and
+other musicians on a platform at one end.
+
+At one such dance held not long ago in an Alabama town, when the
+fiddlers had duly resined their bows and taken their places on the
+platform, the floor manager rose.
+
+"Git yo' partners fo' de nex' dance!" he yelled. "All you ladies an'
+gennulmens dat wears shoes an' stockin's, take yo' places in de middle
+of de room. All you ladies an' gennulmens dat wears shoes an' no
+stockin's, take yo' places immejitly behim' dem. An' yo' barfooted
+crowd, you jes' jig it roun' in de corners."--_Taylor Edwards_.
+
+
+
+
+CATS
+
+
+  There was a young lady whose dream
+  Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream,
+    But the cat with a bound
+    Spilt the milk on the ground,
+  So she fed a whipt cat on black cream.
+
+
+  There once were two cats in Kilkenny,
+  And each cat thought that there was one cat too many,
+  And they scratched and they fit and they tore and they bit,
+  'Til instead of two cats--there weren't any.
+
+
+
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+
+Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that
+once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the
+afternoon that he determined never to do it again.
+
+
+A man who has an office downtown called his wife by telephone the other
+morning and during the conversation asked what the baby was doing.
+
+"She was crying her eyes out," replied the mother.
+
+"What about?"
+
+"I don't know whether it is because she has eaten too many strawberries
+or because she wants more," replied the discouraged mother.
+
+
+BANKS--"I had a new experience yesterday, one you might call
+unaccountable. I ate a hearty dinner, finishing up with a Welsh rabbit,
+a mince pie and some lobster à la Newburgh. Then I went to a place of
+amusement. I had hardly entered the building before everything swam
+before me."
+
+BINKS--"The Welsh rabbit did it."
+
+BUNKS--"No; it was the lobster."
+
+BONKS--"I think it was the mince pie."
+
+BANKS--"No; I have a simpler explanation than that. I never felt better
+in my life; I was at the Aquarium."--_Judge_.
+
+
+Among a party of Bostonians who spent some time in a hunting-camp in
+Maine were two college professors. No sooner had the learned gentlemen
+arrived than their attention was attracted by the unusual position of
+the stove, which was set on posts about four feet high.
+
+This circumstance afforded one of the professors immediate opportunity
+to comment upon the knowledge that woodsmen gain by observation.
+
+"Now," said he, "this man has discovered that heat emanating from a
+stove strikes the roof, and that the circulation is so quickened that
+the camp is warmed in much less time than would be required were the
+stove in its regular place on the floor."
+
+But the other professor ventured the opinion that the stove was elevated
+to be above the window in order that cool and pure air could be had at
+night.
+
+The host, being of a practical turn, thought that the stove was set high
+in order that a good supply of green wood could be placed under it.
+
+After much argument, they called the guide and asked why the stove was
+in such a position.
+
+The man grinned. "Well, gents," he explained, "when I brought the stove
+up the river I lost most of the stove-pipe overboard; so we had to set
+the stove up that way so as to have the pipe reach through the roof."
+
+
+Jack Barrymore, son of Maurice Barrymore, and himself an actor of some
+ability, is not over-particular about his personal appearance and is a
+little lazy.
+
+He was in San Francisco on the morning of the earthquake. He was thrown
+out of bed by one of the shocks, spun around on the floor and left
+gasping in a corner. Finally, he got to his feet and rushed for a
+bathtub, where he stayed all that day. Next day he ventured out. A
+soldier, with a bayonet on his gun, captured Barrymore and compelled him
+to pile bricks for two days.
+
+Barrymore was telling his terrible experience in the Lambs' Club in New
+York.
+
+"Extraordinary," commented Augustus Thomas, the playwright. "It took a
+convulsion of nature to make Jack take a bath, and the United States
+Army to make him go to work."
+
+
+
+
+CAUTION
+
+
+Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds
+several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man when
+he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a Lakewood hotel, he said:
+
+"Can you crack nuts?"
+
+"No, dear," the old lady replied. "I lost all my teeth ages ago."
+
+"Then," requested Master Field, extending two hands full of pecans,
+"please hold these while I go and get some more."
+
+
+
+
+CHAMPAGNE
+
+
+MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?"
+
+BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself.
+Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quarts
+instead of wan."
+
+
+Sir Andrew Clark was Mr. Gladstone's physician, and was known to the
+great statesman as a "temperance doctor" who very rarely prescribed
+alcohol for his patients. On one occasion he surprised Mr. Gladstone by
+recommending him to take some wine. In answer to his illustrious
+patient's surprise he said:
+
+"Oh, wine does sometimes help you get through work! For instance, I have
+often twenty letters to answer after dinner, and a pint of champagne is
+a great help."
+
+"Indeed!" remarked Mr. Gladstone; "does a pint of champagne really help
+you to answer the twenty letters?"
+
+"No," Sir Andrew explained; "but when I've had a pint of champagne I
+don't care a rap whether I answer them or not."
+
+
+
+
+CHARACTER
+
+
+The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was,
+moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of
+his sons:
+
+"Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat Daniel?"
+
+"No sir. Why was it?"
+
+"Because the most of him was backbone and the rest was grit."
+
+
+They were trying an Irishman, charged with a petty offense, in an
+Oklahoma town, when the judge asked: "Have you any one in court who will
+vouch for your good character?"
+
+"Yis, your honor," quickly responded the Celt, "there's the sheriff
+there."
+
+Whereupon the sheriff evinced signs of great amazement.
+
+"Why, your honor," declared he, "I don't even know the man."
+
+"Observe, your honor," said the Irishman, triumphantly, "observe that
+I've lived in the country for over twelve years an' the sheriff doesn't
+know me yit! Ain't that a character for ye?"
+
+
+We must have a weak spot or two in a character before we can love it
+much. People that do not laugh or cry, or take more of anything than is
+good for them, or use anything but dictionary-words, are admirable
+subjects for biographies. But we don't care most for those flat pattern
+flowers that press best in the herbarium.--_O.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+
+
+CHARITY
+
+
+"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature. A never
+sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him."
+
+
+Dr. C.H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman, at a recent
+banquet said of charity:
+
+"Too many of us, perhaps, misinterpret the meaning of charity as the
+master misinterpreted the Scriptural text. This master, a pillar of a
+western church, entered in his journal:
+
+"'The Scripture ordains that, if a man take away thy coat, let him have
+thy cloak also. To-day, having caught the hostler stealing my potatoes,
+I have given him the sack.'"
+
+
+THE LADY--"Well, I'll give you a dime; not because you deserve it, mind,
+but because it pleases me."
+
+THE TRAMP--"Thank you, mum. Couldn't yer make it a quarter an' thoroly
+enjoy yourself?"
+
+
+Porter Emerson came into the office yesterday. He had been out in the
+country for a week and was very cheerful. Just as he was leaving, he
+said: "Did you hear about that man who died the other day and left all
+he had to the orphanage?"
+
+"No," some one answered. "How much did he leave?"
+
+"Twelve children."
+
+
+"I made a mistake," said Plodding Pete. "I told that man up the road I
+needed a little help 'cause I was lookin' for me family from whom I had
+been separated fur years."
+
+"Didn't that make him come across?"
+
+"He couldn't see it. He said dat he didn't know my family, but he wasn't
+goin' to help in bringing any such trouble on 'em."
+
+
+"It requires a vast deal of courage and charity to be philanthropic,"
+remarked Sir Thomas Lipton, apropos of Andrew Carnegie's giving. "I
+remember when I was just starting in business. I was very poor and
+making every sacrifice to enlarge my little shop. My only assistant was
+a boy of fourteen, faithful and willing and honest. One day I heard him
+complaining, and with justice, that his clothes were so shabby that he
+was ashamed to go to chapel.
+
+"'There's no chance of my getting a new suit this year,' he told me.
+'Dad's out of work, and it takes all of my wages to pay the rent.'
+
+"I thought the matter over, and then took a sovereign from my carefully
+hoarded savings and bought the boy a stout warm suit of blue cloth. He
+was so grateful that I felt repaid for my sacrifice. But the next day he
+didn't come to work. I met his mother on the street and asked her the
+reason.
+
+"'Why, Mr. Lipton,' she said, curtsying, 'Jimmie looks so respectable,
+thanks to you, sir, that I thought I would send him around town today to
+see if he couldn't get a better job.'"
+
+
+"Good morning, ma'am," began the temperance worker. "I'm collecting for
+the Inebriates' Home and--"
+
+"Why, me husband's out," replied Mrs. McGuire, "but if ye can find him
+anywhere's ye're welcome to him."
+
+
+Charity is a virtue of the heart, and not of the hands.--_Addison_.
+
+
+You find people ready enough to do the Samaritan, without the oil and
+twopence.--_Sydney Smith_.
+
+
+
+
+CHICAGO
+
+
+A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozen
+copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him at once.
+
+Within two days he received this reply by telegraph:
+
+"No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try Philadelphia."
+
+
+
+
+CHICKEN STEALING
+
+
+Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of
+chickens he considered best, and he replied:
+
+"All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de black
+ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em."
+
+
+Ida Black had retired from the most select colored circles for a brief
+space, on account of a slight difficulty connected with a gentleman's
+poultry-yard. Her mother was being consoled by a white friend.
+
+"Why, Aunt Easter, I was mighty sorry to hear about Ida--"
+
+"Marse John, Ida ain't nuvver tuk dem chickens. Ida wouldn't do sich a
+thing! Ida wouldn't demeange herse'f to rob nobody's hen-roost--and, any
+way, dem old chickens warn't nothing't all but feathers when we picked
+'em."
+
+
+"Does de white folks in youah neighborhood keep eny chickens, Br'er
+Rastus?"
+
+"Well, Br'er Johnsing, mebbe dey does keep a few."
+
+
+Henry E. Dixey met a friend one afternoon on Broadway.
+
+"Well, Henry," exclaimed the friend, "you are looking fine! What do they
+feed you on?"
+
+"Chicken mostly," replied Dixey. "You see, I am rehearsing in a play
+where I am to be a thief, so, just by way of getting into training for
+the part I steal one of my own chickens every morning and have the cook
+broil it for me. I have accomplished the remarkable feat of eating
+thirty chickens in thirty consecutive days."
+
+"Great Scott!" exclaimed the friend. "Do you still like them?"
+
+"Yes, I do," replied Dixey; "and, what is better still, the chickens
+like me. Why they have got so when I sneak into the hen-house they all
+begin to cackle, 'I wish I was in Dixey.'"--_A. S. Hitchcock_.
+
+
+A southerner, hearing a great commotion in his chicken-house one dark
+night, took his revolver and went to investigate.
+
+"Who's there?" he sternly demanded, opening the door.
+
+No answer.
+
+"Who's there? Answer, or I'll shoot!"
+
+A trembling voice from the farthest corner:
+
+"'Deed, sah, dey ain't nobody hyah ceptin' us chickens."
+
+
+A colored parson, calling upon one of his flock, found the object of his
+visit out in the back yard working among his hen-coops. He noticed with
+surprise that there were no chickens.
+
+"Why, Brudder Brown," he asked, "whar'r all yo' chickens?"
+
+"Huh," grunted Brother Brown without looking up, "some fool niggah lef
+de do' open an' dey all went home."
+
+
+
+
+CHILD LABOR
+
+
+"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!"
+
+"Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours
+truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to Alabama."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+CHILDREN
+
+
+Two weary parents once advertised:
+
+"WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female,
+to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four;
+each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children."
+
+
+Another couple advertised:
+
+"WANTED: A governess who is good stenographer, to take down the clever
+sayings of our child."
+
+
+A boy twelve years old with an air of melancholy resignation, went to
+his teacher and handed in the following note from his mother before
+taking his seat:
+
+    "Dear Sir: Please excuse James for not being present
+    yesterday.
+
+    "He played truant, but you needn't whip him for it, as the boy
+    he played truant with and him fell out, and he licked James;
+    and a man they threw stones at caught him and licked him; and
+    the driver of a cart they hung onto licked him; and the owner
+    of a cat they chased licked him. Then I licked him when he
+    came home, after which his father licked him; and I had to
+    give him another for being impudent to me for telling his
+    father. So you need not lick him until next time.
+
+    "He thinks he will attend regular in future."
+
+
+MRS. POST--"But why adopt a baby when you have three children of your
+own under five years old?"
+
+MRS. PARKER--"My own are being brought up properly. The adopted one is
+to enjoy."
+
+
+The neighbors of a certain woman in a New England town maintain that
+this lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the training of
+children. Local opinion ascribes these oddities on her part to the fact
+that she attended normal school for one year just before her marriage.
+
+Said one neighbor: "She does a lot of funny things. What do you suppose
+I heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon?"
+
+"I dunno. What was it?"
+
+"Well, you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with a
+hay-cutter; and this afternoon as I was goin' by the house I heard her
+say:
+
+"'Now, William, you must be a very good boy, for your father has injured
+his hand, and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip you.'"--_Edwin
+Tarrisse_.
+
+
+Childhood has no forebodings; but then, it is soothed by no memories of
+outlived sorrow.--_George Eliot_.
+
+
+Better to be driven out from among men than to be disliked of
+children.--_R.H. Dana_.
+
+
+_See also_ Boys; Families.
+
+
+
+
+CHOICES
+
+
+William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of an
+American officer who, by the kind permission of the British Government,
+was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His Majesty's
+battleships. Among other things that impressed the American was the
+vessel's Sunday morning service. It was very well attended, every sailor
+not on duty being there. At the conclusion of the service the American
+chanced to ask one of the jackies:
+
+"Are you obliged to attend these Sunday morning services?"
+
+"Not exactly obliged to, sir," replied the sailor-man, "but our grog
+would be stopped if we didn't, sir."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+A well-known furniture dealer of a Virginia town wanted to give his
+faithful negro driver something for Christmas in recognition of his
+unfailing good humor in toting out stoves, beds, pianos, etc.
+
+"Dobson," he said, "you have helped me through some pretty tight places
+in the last ten years, and I want to give you something as a Christmas
+present that will be useful to you and that you will enjoy. Which do you
+prefer, a ton of coal or a gallon of good whiskey?"
+
+"Boss," Dobson replied, "Ah burns wood."
+
+
+A man hurried into a quick-lunch restaurant recently and called to the
+waiter: "Give me a ham sandwich."
+
+"Yes, sir," said the waiter, reaching for the sandwich; "will you eat it
+or take it with you?"
+
+"Both," was the unexpected but obvious reply.
+
+
+
+
+CHOIRS
+
+
+_See_ Singers.
+
+
+
+
+CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
+
+
+While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in
+the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from time
+to time and squirmed and shifted about in his seat. At last, unable to
+stand it longer, he arose and demanded, in a high, penetrating voice,
+"Is there a Christian Scientist in this room?"
+
+A woman at the other side of the hall got up and said, "I am a Christian
+Scientist."
+
+"Well, then, madam," requested the little man, "would you mind changing
+seats with me? I'm sitting in a draft."
+
+
+
+
+CHRISTIANS
+
+
+At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one of
+the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked him:
+
+"Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?"
+
+"No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink. But then, I am not
+a Christian."
+
+
+A traveler who believed himself to be sole survivor of a shipwreck upon
+a cannibal isle hid for three days, in terror of his life. Driven out by
+hunger, he discovered a thin wisp of smoke rising from a clump of bushes
+inland, and crawled carefully to study the type of savages about it.
+Just as he reached the clump he heard a voice say: "Why in hell did you
+play that card?" He dropped on his knees and, devoutly raising his
+hands, cried:
+
+"Thank God they are Christians!"
+
+
+
+
+CHRISTMAS GIFTS
+
+
+"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie," said
+his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy."
+
+Freddie read over the list, and then said:
+
+"Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?"
+
+  'Twas the month after Christmas,
+  And Santa had flit;
+  Came there tidings for father
+  Which read: "Please remit!"
+
+  --_R.L.F_.
+
+
+Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher:
+
+"And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother for
+Christmas this year?"
+
+"I dunno," said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year."
+
+
+  For little children everywhere
+    A joyous season still we make;
+  We bring our precious gifts to them,
+    Even for the dear child Jesus' sake.
+
+  --_Phebe Cary_.
+
+
+  I will, if you will,
+    devote my Christmas giving to the children and the needy,
+      reserving only the privilege of, once in a while,
+        giving to a dear friend a gift which then will have
+          the old charm of being a genuine surprise.
+
+  I will, if you will,
+    keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart, and,
+      barring out hurry, worry, and competition,
+        will consecrate the blessed season, in joy and love,
+          to the One whose birth we celebrate.
+
+  --_Jane Porter Williams_.
+
+
+
+
+CHRONOLOGY
+
+
+TOURIST--"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an ancient library
+in Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B.C.'"
+
+ENGLISHMAN--"Before Carnegie, I presume."
+
+
+
+
+CHURCH ATTENDANCE
+
+
+"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night."
+
+"New minister?"
+
+"No it was burned down."
+
+
+"I understand," said a young woman to another, "that at your church you
+are having such small congregations. Is that so?"
+
+"Yes," answered the other girl, "so small that every time our rector
+says 'Dearly Beloved' you feel as if you had received a proposal!"
+
+
+"Are you a pillar of the church?"
+
+"No, I'm a flying buttress--I support it from the outside."
+
+
+
+
+CHURCH DISCIPLINE
+
+
+Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One day, while
+sitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking of a monk who
+had left the church and married, he observed, not without malice: "He
+has taken his punishment into his own hands."
+
+
+
+
+CIRCUS
+
+
+A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W.
+C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most amusing
+features of the show-business; the faking in the "side-show."
+
+Coup was the owner of a small circus that boasted among its principal
+attractions a man-eating ape, alleged to be the largest in captivity.
+This ferocious beast was exhibited chained to the dead trunk of a tree
+in the side-show. Early in the day of the first performance of Coup's
+enterprise at a certain Ohio town, a countryman handed the man-eating
+ape a piece of tobacco, in the chewing of which the beast evinced the
+greatest satisfaction.
+
+The word was soon passed around that the ape would chew tobacco; and the
+result was that several plugs were thrown at him. Unhappily, however,
+one of these had been filled with cayenne pepper. The man-eating ape bit
+it; then, howling with indignation, snapped the chain that bound him to
+the tree, and made straight for the practical joker who had so cruelly
+deceived him.
+
+"Lave me at 'im!" yelled the ape. "Lave me at 'im, the dirty villain!
+I'll have the rube's loife, or me name ain't Magillicuddy!"
+
+Fortunately for the countryman and for Magillicuddy, too, the man-eating
+ape was restrained by the bystanders in time to prevent a killing.
+
+
+    Willie to the circus went,
+    He thought it was immense;
+    His little heart went pitter-pat,
+    For the excitement was in tents.
+
+    --_Harvard Lampoon_.
+
+
+A child of strict parents, whose greatest joy had hitherto been the
+weekly prayer-meeting, was taken by its nurse to the circus for the
+first time. When he came home he exclaimed:
+
+"Oh, Mama, if you once went to the circus you'd never, never go to a
+prayer-meeting again in all your life."
+
+
+Johnny, who had been to the circus, was telling his teacher about the
+wonderful things he had seen.
+
+"An' teacher," he cried, "they had one big animal they called the
+hip--hip--
+
+"Hippopotamus, dear," prompted the teacher.
+
+"I can't just say its name," exclaimed Johnny, "but it looks just like
+9,000 pounds of liver."
+
+
+
+
+CIVILIZATION
+
+
+An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the patronizing
+airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools for the
+redskins.
+
+On one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through one
+institution when he came upon an Indian lad of seventeen years. The
+worker was engaged in a bit of carpentry, which the visitor observed in
+silence for some minutes. Then, with the utmost gravity, he asked the
+boy:
+
+"Are you civilized?"
+
+The youthful redskin lifted his eyes from his work, calmly surveyed his
+questioner, and then replied:
+
+"No, are you?"--_Taylor Edwards_.
+
+
+"My dear, listen to this," exclaimed the elderly English lady to her
+husband, on her first visit to the States. She held the hotel menu
+almost at arm's length, and spoke in a tone of horror: "'Baked Indian
+pudding!' Can it be possible in a civilized country?"
+
+
+"The path of civilization is paved with tin cans."--_The Philistine_.
+
+
+
+
+CLEANLINESS
+
+
+"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took
+up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young woman, "was one
+to clean out which would have called for the best efforts of the
+renovator of the Augean stables. And the families in this tenement were
+almost as hopeless as the tenement itself.
+
+"On one occasion I felt distinctly encouraged, however, since I observed
+that the face of one youngster was actually clean.
+
+"'William,' said I, 'your face is fairly clean, but how did you get such
+dirty hands?"
+
+"'Washin' me face,' said William."
+
+
+A woman in one of the factory towns of Massachusetts recently agreed to
+take charge of a little girl while her mother, a seamstress, went to
+another town for a day's work.
+
+The woman with whom the child had been left endeavored to keep her
+contented, and among other things gave her a candy dog, with which she
+played happily all day.
+
+At night the dog had disappeared, and the woman inquired whether it had
+been lost.
+
+"No, it ain't lost," answered the little girl. "I kept it 'most all day,
+but it got so dirty that I was ashamed to look at it; so I et
+it."--_Fenimore Martin_.
+
+
+"How old are you?" once asked Whistler of a London newsboy. "Seven," was
+the reply. Whistler insisted that he must be older than that, and
+turning to his friend he remarked: "I don't think he could get as dirty
+as that in seven years, do you?"
+
+
+If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!--_Charles Lamb_.
+
+
+
+
+CLERGY
+
+
+"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to
+question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fight
+against the Philistines?"
+
+None of the children could tell him.
+
+"Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help them he tapped his jaw with
+one finger. "What is this?" he asked.
+
+This jogged their memories, and the class cried in chorus: "The jawbone
+of an ass."
+
+
+All work and no plagiarism makes a dull parson.
+
+
+Bishop Doane of Albany was at one time rector of an Episcopal church in
+Hartford, and Mark Twain, who occasionally attended his services, played
+a joke upon him, one Sunday.
+
+"Dr. Doane," he said at the end of the service, "I enjoyed your sermon
+this morning. I welcomed it like on old friend. I have, you know, a book
+at home containing every word of it."
+
+"You have not," said Dr. Doane.
+
+"I have so."
+
+"Well, send that book to me. I'd like to see it."
+
+"I'll send it," the humorist replied. Next morning he sent an unabridged
+dictionary to the rector.
+
+
+The four-year-old daughter of a clergyman was ailing one night and was
+put to bed early. As her mother was about to leave her she called her
+back.
+
+"Mamma," she said, "I want to see my papa."
+
+"No, dear," her mother replied, "your papa is busy and must not be
+disturbed."
+
+"But, mamma," the child persisted, "I want to see my papa."
+
+As before, the mother replied: "No, your papa must not be disturbed."
+
+But the little one came back with a clincher:
+
+"Mamma," she declared solemnly, "I am a sick woman, and I want to see my
+minister."
+
+
+PROFESSOR--"Now, Mr. Jones, assuming you were called to attend a patient
+who had swallowed a coin, what would be your method of procedure?"
+
+YOUNG MEDICO--"I'd send for a preacher, sir. They'll get money out of
+anyone."
+
+
+Archbishop Ryan was once accosted on the streets of Baltimore by a man
+who knew the archbishop's face, but could not quite place it.
+
+"Now, where in hell have I seen you?" he asked perplexedly.
+
+"From where in hell do you come, sir?"
+
+
+A Duluth pastor makes it a point to welcome any strangers cordially, and
+one evening, after the completion of the service, he hurried down the
+aisle to station himself at the door.
+
+He noticed a Swedish girl, evidently a servant, so he welcomed her to
+the church, and expressed the hope that she would be a regular
+attendant. Finally he said if she would be at home some evening during
+the week he would call.
+
+"T'ank you," she murmured bashfully, "but ay have a fella."
+
+
+A minister of a fashionable church in Newark had always left the
+greeting of strangers to be attended to by the ushers, until he read the
+newspaper articles in reference to the matter.
+
+"Suppose a reporter should visit our church?" said his wife.
+
+"Wouldn't it be awful?"
+
+"It would," the minister admitted.
+
+The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman in one
+of the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member of the
+flock. After the benediction the minister hastened and intercepted her
+at the door.
+
+"How do you do?" he said, offering his hand, "I am very glad to have you
+with us."
+
+"Thank you," replied the young woman.
+
+"I hope we may see you often in our church home," he went on. "We are
+always glad to welcome new faces."
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Do you live in this parish?" he asked.
+
+The girl looked blank.
+
+"If you will give me your address my wife and I will call on you some
+evening."
+
+"You wouldn't need to go far, sir," said the young woman, "I'm your
+cook!"
+
+
+Bishop Goodsell, of the Methodist Episcopal church, weighs over two
+hundred pounds. It was with mingled emotions, therefore that he read the
+following in _Zion's Herald_ some time ago:
+
+"The announcement that our New England bishop, Daniel A. Goodsell, has
+promised to preach at the Willimantic camp meeting, will give great
+pleasure to the hosts of Israel who are looking forward to that feast of
+fat things."
+
+
+It is a standing rule of a company whose boats ply the Great Lakes that
+clergymen and Indians may travel on its boats for half-fare. A short
+time ago an agent of the company was approached by an Indian preacher
+from Canada, who asked for free transportation on the ground that he was
+entitled to one-half rebate because he was an Indian, and the other half
+because he was a clergyman.--_Elgin Burroughs_.
+
+
+Booker Washington, as all the world knows, believes that the salvation
+of his race lies in industry. Thus, if a young man wants to be a
+clergyman, he will meet with but little encouragement from the head of
+Tuskegee; but if he wants to be a blacksmith or a bricklayer, his
+welcome is warm and hearty.
+
+Dr. Washington, in a recent address in Chicago, said:
+
+"The world is overfull of preachers and when an aspirant for the pulpit
+comes to me, I am inclined to tell him about the old uncle working in
+the cotton field who said:
+
+"'De cotton am so grassy, de work am so hard, and de sun am so hot, Ah
+'clare to goodness Ah believe dis darkey am called to preach.'"
+
+
+On one occasion the minister delivered a sermon of but ten minutes'
+duration--a most unusual thing for him.
+
+Upon the conclusion of his remarks he added: "I regret to inform you,
+brethren, that my dog, who appears to be peculiarly fond of paper, this
+morning ate that portion of my sermon that I have not delivered. Let us
+pray."
+
+After the service the clergyman was met at the door by a man who as a
+rule, attended divine service in another parish. Shaking the good man by
+the hand he said:
+
+"Doctor, I should like to know whether that dog of yours has any pups.
+If so I want to get one to give to my minister."
+
+
+Recipe for a parson:
+
+  To a cupful of negative goodness
+    Add the pleasure of giving advice.
+  Sift in a peck of dry sermons,
+    And flavor with brimstone or ice.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+A pompous Bishop of Oxford was once stopped on a London street by a
+ragged urchin.
+
+"Well, my little man, and what can I do for you?" inquired the
+churchman.
+
+"The time o' day, please, your lordship."
+
+With considerable difficulty the portly bishop extracted his timepiece.
+
+"It is exactly half past five, my lad."
+
+"Well," said the boy, setting his feet for a good start, "at 'alf past
+six you go to 'ell!"--and he was off like a flash and around the
+corner. The bishop, flushed and furious, his watch dangling from its
+chain, floundered wildly after him. But as he rounded the corner he ran
+plump into the outstretched arms of the venerable Bishop of London.
+
+"Oxford, Oxford," remonstrated that surprised dignitary, "why this
+unseemly haste?"
+
+Puffing, blowing, spluttering, the outraged Bishop gasped out:
+
+"That young ragamuffin--I told him it was half past five--he--er--told
+me to go to hell at half past six."
+
+"Yes, yes," said the Bishop of London with the suspicion of a twinkle in
+his kindly old eyes, "but why such haste? You've got almost an hour."
+
+
+  Skilful alike with tongue and pen,
+  He preached to all men everywhere
+  The Gospel of the Golden Rule,
+  The New Commandment given to men,
+  Thinking the deed, and not the creed,
+  Would help us in our utmost need.
+
+  --_Longfellow_.
+
+
+_See also_ Burglars; Contribution box; Preaching; Resignation.
+
+
+
+
+CLIMATE
+
+
+In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong
+that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance,
+for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down his
+reputation, he asked headquarters to transfer him to another station.
+
+A brief correspondance ensued.
+
+"Why," asked headquarters, "do you wish to be transferred?"
+
+"Because," the forecaster promptly replied, "the climate doesn't agree
+with me."
+
+
+
+
+CLOTHING
+
+
+One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call,
+sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There,
+Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's
+really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!"
+
+Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.
+
+A few minutes later his neighbor--Mrs. S.--was summoned to the door by a
+messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She opened
+it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following note:
+"Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed half an
+hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly return it, as
+it is the only one I have?--Mark Twain."
+
+
+A man whose trousers bagged badly at the knees was standing on a corner
+waiting for a car. A passing Irishman stopped and watched him with great
+interest for two or three minutes; at last he said:
+
+"Well, why don't ye jump?"
+
+
+"The evening wore on," continued the man who was telling the story.
+
+"Excuse me," interrupted the would-be-wit; "but can you tell us what the
+evening wore on that occasion?"
+
+"I don't know that it is important," replied the story-teller. "But if
+you must know, I believe it was the close of a summer day."
+
+
+"See that measuring worm crawling up my skirt!" cried Mrs. Bjenks.
+"That's a sign I'm going to have a new dress."
+
+"Well, let him make it for you," growled Mr. Bjenks. "And while he's
+about it, have him send a hookworm to do you up the back. I'm tired of
+the job."
+
+
+  Dwellers in huts and in marble halls--
+    From Shepherdess up to Queen--
+  Cared little for bonnets, and less for shawls,
+    And nothing for crinoline.
+  But now simplicity's _not_ the rage,
+    And it's funny to think how cold
+  The dress they wore in the Golden Age
+    Would seem in the Age of Gold.
+
+  --_Henry S. Leigh_.
+
+
+  Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
+  But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
+  For the apparel oft proclaims the man.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+CLUBS
+
+
+Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement.
+
+"When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every
+morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of its
+members shall marry a man who won't shave every morning."
+
+"Oh, that's all right," replied Ben; "but what about the mornings I
+don't get home in time? I belong to a club, too."--_M.A. Hitchcock_.
+
+
+The guest landing at the yacht club float with his host, both of them
+wearing oilskins and sou'-westers to protect them from the drenching
+rain, inquired:
+
+"And who are those gentlemen seated on the veranda, looking so spick and
+span in their white duck yachting caps and trousers, and keeping the
+waiters running all the time?"
+
+"They're the rocking-chair members. They never go outside, and they're
+waterproof inside."
+
+
+One afternoon thirty ladies met at the home of Mrs. Lyons to form a
+woman's club. The hostess was unanimously elected president. The next
+day the following ad appeared in the newspaper:
+
+"Wanted--a reliable woman to take care of a baby. Apply to Mrs. J. W.
+Lyons."
+
+
+
+
+COAL DEALERS
+
+
+In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal
+business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was
+converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the
+church. One day he asked:
+
+"Why can't you join the church like I did?"
+
+"It's a fine thing for you to belong to the church," replied the younger
+brother, "If I join the church who'll weigh the coal?"
+
+
+
+
+COEDUCATION
+
+
+The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's
+rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away from
+the coeducational colleges, what will follow? What will follow, I
+repeat?"
+
+And a loud, masculine voice in the audience replied: "I will!"
+
+
+
+
+COFFEE
+
+
+Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He
+liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France he
+one day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicory
+in the house. He had. Bismarck said--"Well, bring it to me; all you
+have." The man obeyed and handed Bismarck a canister full of chicory.
+"Are you sure this is all you have?" demanded the Chancellor. "Yes, my
+lord, every grain." "Then," said Bismarck, keeping the canister by him,
+"go now and make me a pot of coffee."
+
+
+
+
+COINS
+
+
+He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country:
+"Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Paris as a
+souvenir."
+
+"Thanks, Herman," said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to have
+brought me home one of them Latin quarters I read so much about."
+
+
+
+
+COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
+
+
+An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store are
+requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our store and not
+knowing it are requested to call and find out. Those knowing themselves
+indebted and not wishing to call, are requested to stay in one place
+long enough for us to catch them."
+
+
+"Sir," said the haughty American to his adhesive tailor, "I object to
+this boorish dunning. I would have you know that my great-great-grandfather
+was one of the early settlers."
+
+"And yet," sighed the anxious tradesman, "there are people who believe
+in heredity."
+
+
+A retail dealer in buggies doing business in one of the large towns in
+northern Indiana wrote to a firm in the east ordering a carload of
+buggies. The firm wired him:
+
+"Cannot ship buggies until you pay for your last consignment."
+
+"Unable to wait so long," wired back the buggy dealer, "cancel order."
+
+
+   The saddest words of tongue or pen
+   May be perhaps, "It might have been,"
+   The sweetest words we know, by heck,
+   Are only these "Enclosed find check!"
+
+  --_Minne-Ha-Ha_.
+
+
+
+
+COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
+
+
+Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth.
+
+"It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling sweetly
+upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day so that my
+feet should not be wet by that horrid puddle. May I not instruct my Lord
+High Treasurer to reimburse you for it?"
+
+"Don't mention it, your Majesty," replied Raleigh. "It only cost two and
+six, and I have already sold it to an American collector for eight
+thousand pounds."
+
+
+
+
+COLLEGE GRADUATES
+
+
+"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper
+agent.
+
+"No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a few
+times, but my son will be home from college in June."
+
+
+
+
+COLLEGE STUDENTS
+
+
+"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled
+from college?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats
+itself."
+
+
+WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority houses.
+We haven't made a nickel in two years. The Gas Co.--_Michigan
+Gargoyle_.
+
+
+FRESHMAN--"I have a sliver in my finger."
+
+SOP--"Been scratching your head?"
+
+
+STUDE--"Do you smoke, professor?"
+
+PROF.--"Why, yes, I'm very fond of a good cigar."
+
+STUDE--"Do you drink, sir?"
+
+PROF.--"Yes, indeed, I enjoy nothing better than a bottle of wine."
+
+STUDE--"Gee, it's going to cost me something to pass this
+course."--_Cornell Widow_.
+
+
+Three boys from Yale, Princeton and Harvard were in a room when a lady
+entered. The Yale boy asked languidly if some fellow ought not to give a
+chair to the lady; the Princeton boy slowly brought one, and the Harvard
+boy deliberately sat down in it.--_Life_.
+
+
+A college professor was one day nearing the close of a history lecture
+and was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in which he
+delighted when the hour struck. The students immediately began to slam
+down the movable arms of their lecture chairs and to prepare to leave.
+
+The professor, annoyed at the interruption of his flow of eloquence,
+held up his hand:
+
+"Wait just one minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to cast."
+
+
+When Rutherford B. Hayes was a student at college it was his custom to
+take a walk before breakfast.
+
+One morning two of his student friends went with him. After walking a
+short distance they met an old man with a long white beard. Thinking
+that they would have a little fun at the old man's expense, the first
+one bowed to him very gracefully and said: "Good morning, Father
+Abraham."
+
+The next one made a low bow and said: "Good morning, Father Isaac."
+
+Young Hayes then made his bow and said: "Good morning Father Jacob."
+
+The old man looked at them a moment and then said: "Young men, I am
+neither Abraham, Isaac nor Jacob. I am Saul, the son of Kish, and I am
+out looking for my father's asses, and lo, I have found them."
+
+
+A western college boy amused himself by writing stories and giving them
+to papers for nothing. His father objected and wrote to the boy that he
+was wasting his time. In answer the college lad wrote:
+
+"So, dad, you think I am wasting my time in writing for the local papers
+and cite Johnson's saying that the man who writes, except for money, is
+a fool. I shall act upon Doctor Johnson's suggestion and write for
+money. Send me fifty dollars."
+
+
+The president of an eastern university had just announced in chapel that
+the freshman class was the largest enrolled in the history of the
+institution. Immediately he followed the announcement by reading the
+text for the morning: "Lord, how are they increased that trouble me!"
+
+
+STUDE.--"Is it possible to confide a secret to you?"
+
+FRIEND--"Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave."
+
+STUDE--"Well, then, I have a pressing need for two bucks."
+
+FRIEND--"Do not worry. It is as if I had heard nothing." --_-Michigan
+Gargoyle_.
+
+
+"Why did you come to college, anyway? You are not studying," said the
+Professor.
+
+"Well," said Willie, "I don't know exactly myself. Mother says it is to
+fit me for the Presidency; Uncle Bill, to sow my wild oats; Sis, to get
+a chum for her to marry, and Pa, to bankrupt the family."
+
+
+A young Irishman at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote to his
+uncle as follows:
+
+    "Dear Uncle.--If you could see how I blush for shame while I
+    am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have
+    to ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express
+    myself. It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die.
+    I send you this by messenger, who will wait for an answer.
+    Believe me, my dearest uncle, your most obedient and
+    affectionate nephew.
+
+    "P.S.--Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have
+    been running after the messenger in order to take the letter
+    from him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something
+    may happen to stop him, or that this letter may get lost."
+
+The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency. He
+replied as follows:
+
+    "My Dear Jack--Console yourself and blush no more. Providence
+    has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter. Your
+    affectionate uncle."
+
+
+The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt
+with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the
+intervening time preparing for the final examinations.
+
+"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there
+any questions to be asked?"
+
+Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:
+
+"Who's the printer?"
+
+
+It was Commencement Day at a well-known woman's college, and the father
+of one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises. He
+was presented to the president, who said, "I congratulate you, sir, upon
+your extremely large and affectionate family."
+
+"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much surprised.
+
+"Yes, indeed," said the president. "No less than twelve of your
+daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take her
+driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the theater
+at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are."
+
+
+The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its
+great scholars great men.--_O.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+_See also_ Harvard university; Scholarship.
+
+
+
+
+COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
+
+
+  The college is a coy maid--
+    She has a habit quaint
+  Of making eyes at millionaires
+    And winking at the taint.
+
+  --_Judge_.
+
+
+"What is a 'faculty'?"
+
+"A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape."--_Cornell Widow_.
+
+
+Yale University is to have a ton of fossils. Whether for the faculty or
+for the museums is not announced.--_The Atlanta Journal_.
+
+
+FIRST TRUSTEE--"But this ancient institution of learning will fail
+unless something is done."
+
+SECOND TRUSTEE--"True; but what can we do? We have already raised the
+tuition until it is almost 1 per cent of the fraternity fees."--_Puck_.
+
+
+The president of the university had dark circles under his eyes. His
+cheek was pallid; his lips were trembling; he wore a hunted expression.
+
+"You look ill," said his wife. "What is wrong, dear?"
+
+"Nothing much," he replied. "But--I--I had a fearful dream last night,
+and I feel this morning as if I--as if I--" It was evident that his
+nervous system was shattered.
+
+"What was the dream?" asked his wife.
+
+"I--I--dreamed the trustees required that--that I should--that I should
+pass the freshman examination for--admission!" sighed the president.
+
+
+
+
+COMMON SENSE
+
+
+A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town.
+It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was
+a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work
+had been started, and seeing a man in the doorway, called to him:
+
+"What be ye doin' in this place?"
+
+"We are searching for a universal solvent--something that will dissolve
+all things," said the chemist.
+
+"What good will thet be?"
+
+"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a solution of
+iron, glass, gold--anything, all that we have to do is to drop it in
+this solution."
+
+"Fine," said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it in?"
+
+
+
+
+COMMUTERS
+
+
+BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that
+girl who lives in the suburbs?"
+
+GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have
+transferred to a town girl."
+
+
+"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked the
+first commuter.
+
+"Yes," said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains. The old
+brand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this new brand in a
+second and a half."
+
+
+After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands
+with a young German.
+
+"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. "Yes," said the
+German: "I take the 7:45 every morning."--_M.L. Hayward_.
+
+
+A suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the blizzards
+of 1894. Finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts to start it
+again were futile.
+
+In the wee, small hours of the morning a weary commuter, numb from the
+cold and the cramped position in which he had tried to sleep, crawled
+out of the train and floundered through the heavy snow-drifts to the
+nearest telegraph station. This is the message he handed to the
+operator:
+
+"Will not be at office to-day. Not home yesterday yet."
+
+
+A nervous commuter on his dark, lonely way home from the railroad
+station heard footsteps behind him. He had an uncomfortable feeling that
+he was being followed. He increased his speed. The footsteps quickened
+accordingly. The commuter darted down a lane. The footsteps still
+pursued him. In desperation he vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a
+churchyard, threw himself panting on one of the graves.
+
+"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no doubt as
+to his intentions."
+
+The man behind was following. He could hear him scrambling over the
+fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs, garroters and the like flashed
+through his brain. Quivering with fear, the nervous one arose and faced
+his pursuer.
+
+"What do you want?" he demanded. "Wh-why are you following me?"
+
+"Say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go home like
+this? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's and the man at the station told me to
+follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking you, but is there
+much more to do before we get there?"
+
+
+
+
+COMPARISONS
+
+
+A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last
+season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat.
+
+"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd
+look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."
+
+
+A well-known author tells of an English spinster who said, as she
+watched a great actress writhing about the floor as Cleopatra:
+
+"How different from the home life of our late dear queen!"
+
+
+"Darling," whispered the ardent suitor, "I lay my fortune at your feet."
+
+"Your fortune?" she replied in surprise. "I didn't know you had one."
+
+"Well, it isn't much of a fortune, but it will look large besides those
+tiny feet."
+
+
+"Girls make me tired," said the fresh young man. "They are always going
+to palmists to have their hands read."
+
+"Indeed!" said she sweetly; "is that any worse than men going into
+saloons to get their noses red?"
+
+
+A friend once wrote Mark Twain a letter saying that he was in very bad
+health, and concluding: "Is there anything worse than having toothache
+and earache at the same time?"
+
+The humorist wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus's dance."
+
+
+The Rev. Dr. William Emerson, of Boston, son of Ralph Waldo Emerson,
+recently made a trip through the South, and one Sunday attended a
+meeting in a colored church. The preacher was a white man, however, a
+white man whose first name was George, and evidently a prime favorite
+with the colored brethren. When the service was over Dr. Emerson walked
+home behind two members of the congregation, and overheard this
+conversation: "Massa George am a mos' pow'ful preacher." "He am dat."
+"He's mos's pow'ful as Abraham Lincoln." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan
+Lincoln." "He's mos' 's pow'ful as George Washin'ton." "Huh! He's mo'
+pow'ful dan Washin'ton." "Massa George ain't quite as pow'ful as God."
+"N-n-o, not quite. But he's a young man yet."
+
+
+Is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that the
+comparisons made between wit and wit, courage and courage, beauty and
+beauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill taken?--_Cervantes_.
+
+
+
+
+COMPENSATION
+
+
+"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile
+goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks
+longer."
+
+
+
+
+COMPETITION
+
+
+A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the
+pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new
+baby she felt rather neglected.
+
+"How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon.
+
+"Oh, I'm all right," she said, "except that I think there is too much
+competition in this world."
+
+
+A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering
+his fields. The very first day while he was trying it there suddenly
+came a downpour of rain. He put away his machine.
+
+"It's no use," he said; "you can do nothing nowadays without
+competition."
+
+
+
+
+COMPLIMENTS
+
+
+Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which
+took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I saw
+was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered.
+The man who was struck ran and grabbed a large shovel he had been using
+on the street, and rushed back, his eyes blazing fiercely. I thought
+he'd surely knock the other man's brains out, and I stepped right in
+between them."
+
+The young son of the family had become so hugely interested in the
+narrative as it proceeded that he had stopped eating his pudding. So
+proud was he of his father's valor, his eyes fairly shone, and he cried:
+
+"He couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, Father?"
+
+Father looked at him long and earnestly, but the lad's countenance was
+frank and open.
+
+Father gasped slightly, and resumed his supper.
+
+
+_See also_ Tact.
+
+
+
+
+COMPOSERS
+
+
+Recipe for the musical comedy composer:
+
+  Librettos of all of the operas,
+    Some shears and a bottle of paste,
+  Curry the hits of last season,
+    Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+COMPROMISES
+
+
+Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the
+only people who had keys to that drawer."
+
+Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it."
+
+
+
+
+CONFESSIONS
+
+
+"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five
+years?"
+
+"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_Puck_.
+
+
+Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught
+to report misdeeds promptly. One afternoon she came sobbing penitently
+to her mother.
+
+"Mother, I--I broke a brick in the fireplace."
+
+"Well, it might be worse. But how on earth did you do it, Ethel?"
+
+"I pounded it with your watch."
+
+
+"Confession is good for the soul."
+
+"Yes, but it's bad for the reputation."
+
+
+
+
+CONGRESS
+
+
+Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring
+valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_.
+
+
+"Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman,
+"we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the class a certain miss whom I know
+unconsciously puts us in. It was at a recent examination at her school
+that the question was put, 'Who makes the laws of our government?'
+
+"'Congress,' was the united reply.
+
+"'How is Congress divided?' was the next query.
+
+"My young friend raised her hand.
+
+"'Well,' said the teacher, 'what do you say the answer is?'
+
+"Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the Miss
+replied, 'Civilized, half civilized, and savage.'"
+
+
+
+
+CONGRESSMEN
+
+It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen,
+mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was a
+scene of fairy splendor; but on one table there were no decorations but
+palm leaves.
+
+"Here," said a congressman to the head waiter, "why don't you put them
+things on our table too?" pointing to the plants.
+
+The head waiter didn't know he was a congressman.
+
+"We cain't do it, boss," he whispered confidentially; "dey's mostly
+congressmen at 'dis table, an' if we put pa'ms on de table dey take um
+for celery an' eat um all up sho. 'Deed dey would, boss. We knows 'em."
+
+
+Representative X, from North Carolina, was one night awakened by his
+wife, who whispered, "John, John, get up! There are robbers in the
+house."
+
+"Robbers?" he said. "There may be robbers in the Senate, Mary; but not
+in the House! It's preposterous!"--_John N. Cole, Jr_.
+
+
+Champ Clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate Congressman
+Johnson of Indiana called an Illinois representative a jackass. The
+expression was unparliamentary, and in retraction Johnson said:
+
+"While I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, I must insist that
+the gentleman from Illinois is out of order."
+
+"How am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois.
+
+"Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you," answered Johnson, and
+that was parliamentary enough to stay on the record.
+
+
+A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in New York.
+When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of his stay, the
+waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the Congressman tossed it
+aside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and said, "Bring me a good
+dinner."
+
+The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued this plan
+during his entire stay in New York. As the last tip was given, he
+mentioned that he was about to return to Washington.
+
+Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, said:
+
+"Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come to New
+York, just ask for Dick."
+
+
+
+
+CONSCIENCE
+
+
+The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of
+the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone.
+
+A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an
+office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again. Yes,
+there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer was sitting upon
+the gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name that was lettered on
+the window and then searched in the telephone book. Still keeping his
+eye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up. In a
+few moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver.
+
+"Yes," said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think you would
+start."
+
+The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammer
+something.
+
+"Yes," continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take that
+arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to be plenty
+of chairs in the room--"
+
+The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is to be
+feared. "Who--who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed to splutter.
+
+"I," answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am your
+conscience!"
+
+
+  A quiet conscience makes one so serene!
+  Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded
+  That all the Apostles would have done as they did.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+  Oh, Conscience! Conscience! man's most faithful friend,
+    Him canst thou comfort, ease, relieve, defend;
+  But if he will thy friendly checks forego,
+    Thou art, oh! woe for me his deadliest foe!
+
+  --_Crabbe_.
+
+
+
+
+CONSEQUENCES
+
+
+A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between
+the words "results" and "consequences."
+
+A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences
+are what you get."
+
+
+Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible consequences,
+quite apart from any fluctuations that went before--consequences that
+are hardly ever confined to ourselves.--_George Eliot_.
+
+
+
+
+CONSIDERATION
+
+
+The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had
+tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of
+honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm.
+
+"Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said to his
+host. "Whar did you git such a fine goose?"
+
+"Well, now, Pahson," replied the carver of the goose, exhibiting great
+dignity and reticence, "when you preaches a speshul good sermon I never
+axes you whar you got it. I hopes you will show me de same
+considerashion."
+
+
+A clergyman, who was summoned in haste by a woman who had been taken
+suddenly ill, answered the call though somewhat puzzled by it, for he
+knew that she was not of his parish, and was, moreover, known to be a
+devoted worker in another church. While he was waiting to be shown to
+the sick-room he fell to talking to the little girl of the house.
+
+"It is very gratifying to know that your mother thought of me in her
+illness," said he, "Is your minister out of town?"
+
+"Oh, no," answered the child, in a matter-of-fact tone. "He's home; only
+we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to take
+any risks."
+
+
+
+
+CONSTANCY
+
+
+A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in
+a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct
+badges and money in the savings-bank.
+
+"Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a year
+from today in the same frame of mind you shall marry. I'll keep the
+vacancy."
+
+On the anniversary the soldier repeated his request.
+
+"But do you really, after a year, want to marry?" inquired the General
+in a surprised tone.
+
+"Yes, sir; very much."
+
+"Sergeant-Major, take his name down. Yes, you may marry. I never
+believed there was so much constancy in man or woman. Right face; quick
+march!"
+
+As the man left the room, turning his head, he said, "Thank you, sir;
+but it isn't the same woman."
+
+
+
+
+CONTRIBUTION BOX
+
+
+  The parson looks it o'er and frets.
+    It puts him out of sorts
+  To see how many times he gets
+    A penny for his thoughts.
+
+  --_J.J. O'Connell_.
+
+
+There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled way
+at the club guest. "You look like a man I've seen somewhere, Mr.
+Blinker," he said. "Your face seems familiar. I fancy you have a double.
+And a funny thing about it is that I remember I formed a strong
+prejudice against the man who looks like you--although, I'm quite sure,
+we never met."
+
+The little guest softly laughed. "I'm the man," he answered, "and I know
+why you formed the prejudice. I passed the contribution plate for two
+years in the church you attended."
+
+
+The collections had fallen off badly in the colored church and the
+pastor made a short address before the box was passed.
+
+"I don' want any man to gib mo' dan his share, bredern," he said gently,
+"but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab. I say 'rightly
+hab," bredern, because we don't want no tainted money in dis box.
+'Squire Jones tol' me dat he done miss some chickens dis week. Now if
+any of our bredern hab fallen by de wayside in connection wif dose
+chickens let him stay his hand from de box.
+
+"Now, Deacon Smiff, please pass de box while I watch de signs an' see if
+dere's any one in dis congregation dat needs me ter wrastle in prayer
+fer him."
+
+
+A newly appointed Scotch minister on his first Sunday of office had
+reason to complain of the poorness of the collection. "Mon," replied one
+of the elders, "they are close--vera close."
+
+"But," confidentially, "the auld meenister he put three or four
+saxpenses into the plate hissel', just to gie them a start. Of course he
+took the saxpenses awa' with him afterward." The new minister tried the
+same plan, but the next Sunday he again had to report a dismal failure.
+The total collection was not only small, but he was grieved to find that
+his own sixpences were missing. "Ye may be a better preacher than the
+auld meenister," exclaimed the elder, "but if ye had half the knowledge
+o' the world, an' o' yer ain flock in particular, ye'd ha' done what he
+did an' glued the saxpenses to the plate."
+
+
+POLICE COMMISSIONER--"If you were ordered to disperse a mob, what would
+you do?"
+
+APPLICANT--"Pass around the hat, sir."
+
+POLICE COMMISSIONER--"That'll do; you're engaged."
+
+
+"I advertized that the poor were made welcome in this church," said the
+vicar to his congregation, "and as the offertory amounts to ninety-five
+cents, I see that they have come."
+
+
+_See also_ Salvation.
+
+
+
+
+CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm
+and a conversation between two confidence men?"
+
+"Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it up."
+
+"Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is a skinning
+theme."
+
+
+
+
+CONVERSATION
+
+
+"My dog understands every word I say."
+
+"Um."
+
+"Do you doubt it?"
+
+"No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he
+bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it
+perfectly."
+
+
+THE TALL AND AGGRESSIVE ONE--"Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry! You've had
+that phone twenty minutes and not said a word!"
+
+THE SHORT AND MEEK ONE--"Sir, I'm talking to my wife."--_Puck_.
+
+
+HUS (during a quarrel)--"You talk like an idiot."
+
+WIFE--"I've got to talk so you can understand me."
+
+
+Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping tour through New
+England. He discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside rock.
+
+"Fine corn," said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, using a hillside filled
+with straggling stalks as a means of breaking the conversational ice.
+
+"Best in Massachusetts," said the sitter.
+
+"How do you plow that field?" asked Mr. Bacheller. "It is so very
+steep."
+
+"Don't plow it," said the sitter. "When the spring thaws come, the rocks
+rolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant corn."
+
+"And how do you plant it?" asked Mr. Bacheller. The sitter said that he
+didn't plant it, really. He stood in his back door and shot the seed in
+with a shotgun.
+
+"Is that the truth?" asked Bacheller.
+
+"H--ll no," said the sitter, disgusted. "That's conversation."
+
+
+Conversation is the laboratory and workshop of the student.--_Emerson_.
+
+
+A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than
+ten years' study of books.--_Longfellow_.
+
+
+
+
+COOKERY
+
+
+"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in
+the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're
+eating all my pies."
+
+"Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as they
+don't die in the house?"
+
+
+"This is certainly a modern cook-book in every way."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"It says: 'After mixing your bread, you can watch two reels at the
+movies before putting it in the oven.'"--_Puck_.
+
+
+There was recently presented to a newly-married young woman in Baltimore
+such a unique domestic proposition that she felt called upon to seek
+expert advice from another woman, whom she knew to possess considerable
+experience in the cooking line.
+
+"Mrs. Jones," said the first mentioned young woman, as she breathlessly
+entered the apartment of the latter, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I
+must have your advice."
+
+"What is the trouble, my dear?"
+
+"Why, I've just had a 'phone message from Harry, saying that he is going
+out this afternoon to shoot clay pigeons. Now, he's bound to bring a lot
+home, and I haven't the remotest idea how to cook them. Won't you please
+tell me?"--_Taylor Edwards_.
+
+
+Heaven sends us good meat, but the devil sends us cooks.--_David
+Garrick_.
+
+
+
+
+COOKS
+
+
+_See_ Servants.
+
+
+
+
+CORNETS
+
+
+Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on
+Sunday would go to heaven.
+
+The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see why
+he should not, but"--after a pause--"I doubt whether the man next door
+will."
+
+
+
+
+CORNS
+
+
+Great aches from little toe-corns grow.
+
+
+
+
+CORPULENCE
+
+
+The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored
+laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer.
+Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales at
+some three hundred pounds.
+
+"Missus," said the woman, "I'll do your washing, but I'se gwine ter
+charge you double for your husband's shirts."
+
+"Why, what is your reason for that Nancy," questioned the mistress.
+
+"Well," said the laundress, "I don't mind washing fur an ordinary man,
+but I draws de line on circus tents, I sho' do."
+
+
+An employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell in love
+with a handsome German girl. Upon his return to the works, he went to
+Mr. Carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get married he would
+like a little further time off. Mr. Carnegie appeared much interested.
+"Tell me about her," he said. "Is she short or is she tall, slender,
+willowy?"
+
+"Well, Mr. Carnegie," was the answer, "all I can say is that if I'd had
+the rolling of her, I should have given her two or three more passes."
+
+
+A very stout old lady, bustling through the park on a sweltering hot
+day, became aware that she was being closely followed by a rough-looking
+tramp.
+
+"What do you mean by following me in this manner?" she indignantly
+demanded. The tramp slunk back a little. But when the stout lady resumed
+her walk he again took up his position directly behind her.
+
+"See here," she exclaimed, wheeling angrily, "if you don't go away at
+once I shall call a policeman!"
+
+The unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly.
+
+"For Heaven's sake, kind lady, have mercy an' don't call a policeman;
+ye're the only shady spot in the whole park."
+
+
+A jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked if he
+had ever had any very narrow escapes.
+
+"Yes," he replied, his eyes twinkling; "once I fell off my boat at the
+mouth of Bear Creek, and, although I'm an expert swimmer, I guess I'd be
+there now if it hadn't been for my crew. You see the water was just deep
+enough so's to be over my head when I tried to wade out, and just
+shallow enough"--he gave his body an explanatory pat--"so that whenever
+I tried to swim out I dragged bottom."
+
+
+A very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the door
+rose and said: "I will be one of three to give the lady a seat."
+
+
+To our Fat Friends: May their shadows never grow less.
+
+
+_See also_ Dancing.
+
+
+
+
+COSMOPOLITANISM
+
+
+Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New
+York.
+
+"New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the
+addition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell."
+
+He smiled and added:
+
+"Is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a New York cafe? In
+the last one I visited, I saw a Portuguese, a German and an Italian,
+dressed in English clothes and seated at a table of Spanish walnut,
+lunching on Russian caviar, French rolls, Scotch salmon, Welsh rabbit,
+Swiss cheese, Dutch cake and Malaga raisins. They drank China tea and
+Irish whisky."
+
+
+
+
+COST OF LIVING
+
+
+"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?"
+asked the careful mother.
+
+"I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs
+boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like
+that."
+
+
+"Live within your income," was a maxim uttered by Mr. Carnegie on his
+seventy-sixth birthday. This is easy; the difficulty is to live without
+it.--_Satire_.
+
+
+"You say your jewels were stolen while the family was at dinner?"
+
+"No, no! This is an important robbery. Our dinner was stolen while we
+were putting on our jewels."
+
+
+A grouchy butcher, who had watched the price of porterhouse steak climb
+the ladder of fame, was deep in the throes of an unusually bad grouch
+when a would-be customer, eight years old, approached him and handed him
+a penny.
+
+"Please, mister, I want a cent's worth of sausage."
+
+Turning on the youngster with a growl, he let forth this burst of good
+salesmanship:
+
+"Go smell o' the hook!"
+
+
+TOM--"My pa is very religious. He always bows his head and says
+something before meals."
+
+DICK--"Mine always says something when he sits down to eat, but he don't
+bow his head."
+
+TOM--"What does he say?"
+
+DICK--"Go easy on the butter, kids, it's forty cents a pound."
+
+
+
+
+COUNTRY LIFE
+
+
+BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to the
+country?"
+
+MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is there any one here who
+would like to spend a day in the country?"--_Life_.
+
+
+VISITOR--"You have a fine road leading from the station."
+
+SUBUBS--"That's the path worn by servant-girls."
+
+
+_See also_ Commuters; Servants.
+
+
+
+
+COURAGE
+
+
+AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?"
+
+BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was."
+
+AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. And now tell
+me what he did to you."
+
+BEATRICE--"He pulled out two of Willie's teeth!"--_Punch_.
+
+
+He was the small son of a bishop, and his mother was teaching him the
+meaning of courage.
+
+"Supposing," she said, "there were twelve boys in one bedroom, and
+eleven got into bed at once, while the other knelt down to say his
+prayers, that boy would show true courage."
+
+"Oh!" said the young hopeful. "I know something that would be more
+courageous than that! Supposing there were twelve bishops in one
+bedroom, and one got into bed without saying his prayers!"
+
+
+  Courage, the highest gift, that scorns to bend
+  To mean devices for a sordid end.
+  Courage--an independent spark from Heaven's bright throne,
+  By which the soul stands raised, triumphant, high, alone.
+  Great in itself, not praises of the crowd,
+  Above all vice, it stoops not to be proud.
+  Courage, the mighty attribute of powers above,
+  By which those great in war, are great in love.
+  The spring of all brave acts is seated here,
+  As falsehoods draw their sordid birth from fear.
+
+  --_Farquhar_.
+
+
+
+
+COURTESY
+
+
+The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, to
+make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his
+acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight disfigurement, was very vain of
+her personal appearance. His native politeness prompted him to gloss
+over the defect, and, after a moment's reflection, he wrote among the
+items of personal description: "Eyes dark, beautiful, tender,
+expressive, but one of them missing."
+
+
+Mrs. Taft, at a diplomatic dinner, had for a neighbor a distinguished
+French traveler who boasted a little unduly of his nation's politeness.
+
+"We French," the traveler declared, "are the politest people in the
+world. Every one acknowledges it. You Americans are a remarkable nation,
+but the French excel you in politeness. You admit it yourself, don't
+you?"
+
+Mrs. Taft smiled delicately.
+
+"Yes," she said. "That is our politeness."
+
+
+Justice Moody was once riding on the platform of a Boston street car
+standing next to the gate that protected passengers from cars coming on
+the other track. A Boston lady came to the door of the car and, as it
+stopped, started toward the gate, which was hidden from her by the man
+standing before it.
+
+"Other side, lady," said the conductor.
+
+He was ignored as only a born-and-bred Bostonian can ignore a man. The
+lady took another step toward the gate.
+
+"You must get off the other side," said the conductor.
+
+"I wish to get off on this side," came the answer, in tones that
+congealed that official. Before he could explain or expostulate Mr.
+Moody came to his assistance.
+
+"Stand to one side, gentlemen," he remarked quietly. "The lady wishes to
+climb over the gate."
+
+
+
+
+COURTS
+
+
+One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn't
+like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time when the Judge
+ruled against "old Thad," the old man got up with scarlet face and
+quivering lips and commenced tying up his papers as if to quit the
+courtroom.
+
+"Do I understand, Mr. Stevens," asked the Judge, eying "old Thad"
+indignantly, "that you wish to show your contempt for this court?"
+
+"No, sir; no, sir," replied "old Thad." "I don't want to show my
+contempt, sir; I'm trying to conceal it."
+
+
+"It's all right to fine me, Judge," laughed Barrowdale, after the
+proceedings were over, "but just the same you were ahead of me in your
+car, and if I was guilty you were too."
+
+"Ya'as, I know," said the judge with a chuckle, "I found myself guilty
+and hev jest paid my fine into the treasury same ez you."
+
+"Bully for you!" said Barrowdale. "By the way, do you put these fines
+back into the roads?"
+
+"No," said the judge. "They go to the trial jestice in loo o' sal'ry."
+
+
+A stranger came into an Augusta bank the other day and presented a check
+for which he wanted the equivalent in cash.
+
+"Have to be identified," said the clerk.
+
+The stranger took a bunch of letters from his pocket all addressed to
+the same name as that on the check.
+
+The clerk shook his head.
+
+The man thought a minute and pulled out his watch, which bore the name
+on its inside cover.
+
+Clerk hardly glanced at it.
+
+The man dug into his pockets and found one of those
+"If-I-should-die-tonight-please-notify-my-wife" cards, and called the
+clerk's attention to the description, which fitted to a T.
+
+But the clerk was still obdurate.
+
+"Those things don't prove anything," he said. "We've got to have the
+word of a man that we know."
+
+"But, man, I've given you an identification that would convict me of
+murder in any court in the land."
+
+"That's probably very true," responded the clerk, patiently, "but in
+matters connected with the bank we have to be more careful."
+
+
+_See also_ Jury; Witnesses.
+
+
+
+
+COURTSHIP
+
+
+"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first
+girl you ever loved?"
+
+"Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met."
+
+
+     Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran
+     Fell in love with Maria McCann.
+       With a yell and a whoop
+       He cleared the front stoop
+     Just ahead of her papa's brogan.
+
+
+SPOONLEIGH--"Does your sister always look under the bed?"
+
+HER LITTLE BROTHER--"Yes, and when you come to see her she always looks
+under the sofa."--_J.J. O'Connell_.
+
+
+   There was a young man from the West,
+   Who loved a young lady with zest;
+     So hard did he press her
+     To make her say, "Yes, sir,"
+   That he broke three cigars in his vest.
+
+
+"I hope your father does not object to my staying so late," said Mr.
+Stayput as the clock struck twelve.
+
+"Oh, dear, no," replied Miss Dabbs, with difficulty suppressing a yawn,
+"He says you save him the expense of a night-watchman."
+
+
+  There was an old monk of Siberia,
+  Whose existence grew drearier and drearier;
+     He burst from his cell
+     With a hell of a yell,
+   And eloped with the Mother Superior.
+
+
+It was scarcely half-past nine when the rather fierce-looking father of
+the girl entered the parlor where the timid lover was courting her. The
+father had his watch in his hand.
+
+"Young man," he said brusquely, "do you know what time it is?"
+
+"Y-y-yes sir," stuttered the frightened lover, as he scrambled out into
+the hall; "I--I was just going to leave!"
+
+After the beau had made a rapid exit, the father turned to the girl and
+said in astonishment:
+
+"What was the matter with that fellow? My watch has run down, and I
+simply wanted to know the time."
+
+
+"What were you and Mr. Smith talking about in the parlor?" asked her
+mother. "Oh, we were discussing our kith and kin," replied the young
+lady.
+
+The mother look dubiously at her daughter, whereupon her little brother,
+wishing to help his sister, said:
+
+"Yeth they wath, Mother. I heard 'em. Mr. Thmith asked her for a kith
+and she thaid, 'You kin.'"
+
+
+During a discussion of the fitness of things in general some one asked:
+"If a young man takes his best girl to the grand opera, spends $8 on a
+supper after the performance, and then takes her home in a taxicab,
+should he kiss her goodnight?"
+
+An old bachelor who was present growled: "I don't think she ought to
+expect it. Seems to me he has done enough for her."
+
+
+A young woman who was about to wed decided at the last moment to test
+her sweetheart. So, selecting the prettiest girl she knew, she said to
+her, though she knew it was a great risk.
+
+"I'll arrange for Jack to take you out tonight--a walk on the beach in
+the moonlight, a lobster supper and all that sort of thing--and I want
+you, in order to put his fidelity to the proof, to ask him for a kiss."
+
+The other girl laughed, blushed and assented. The dangerous plot was
+carried out. Then the next day the girl in love visited the pretty one
+and said anxiously:
+
+"Well, did you ask him?"
+
+"No, dear."
+
+"No? Why not?"
+
+"I didn't get a chance. He asked me first."
+
+
+Uncle Nehemiah, the proprietor of a ramshackle little hotel in Mobile,
+was aghast at finding a newly arrived guest with his arm around his
+daughter's waist.
+
+"Mandy, tell that niggah to take his arm from around yo' wais'," he
+indignantly commanded.
+
+"Tell him you'self," said Amanda. "He's a puffect stranger to me."
+
+
+"Jack and I have parted forever."
+
+"Good gracious! What does that mean?"
+
+"Means that I'll get a five-pound box of candy in about an hour."
+
+
+  Here's to solitaire with a partner,
+  The only game in which one pair beats three of a kind.
+
+
+_See also_ Love; Proposals.
+
+
+
+
+COWARDS
+
+
+Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house
+the night before.
+
+"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the
+bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out."
+
+"Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar's legs?"
+
+"No, my dear; my husband's legs. He heard the noise, too."
+
+
+MRS. PECK--"Henry, what would you do if burglars broke into our house
+some night?"
+
+MR. PECK (_valiantly_)--"Humph! I should keep perfectly cool, my dear."
+
+And when, a few nights later, burglars _did_ break in, Henry kept his
+promise: he hid in the ice-box.
+
+
+Johnny hasn't been to school long, but he already holds some peculiar
+views regarding the administration of his particular room.
+
+The other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his usually
+smiling face.
+
+"Why, Johnny," said his mother, "what's the matter?"
+
+"I ain't going to that old school no more," he fiercely announced.
+
+"Why, Johnny," said his mother reproachfully, "you mustn't talk like
+that. What's wrong with the school?"
+
+"I ain't goin' there no more," Johnny replied; "an" it's because all th'
+boys in my room is blamed old cowards!"
+
+"Why, Johnny, Johnny!"
+
+"Yes, they are. There was a boy whisperin' this mornin', an' teacher saw
+him an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so many times. An'
+those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor nothin'. They let
+that old teacher bang th' head off th' poor little boy, an' they just
+sat there an' seen her do it!"
+
+"And what did you do, Johnny?"
+
+"I didn't do nothin'--I was the boy!"--_Cleveland Plain Dealer_.
+
+
+A negro came running down the lane as though the Old Boy were after him.
+
+"What are you running for, Mose?" called the colonel from the barn.
+
+"I ain't a-runnin' fo'," shouted back Mose. "I'se a-runnin' from!"
+
+
+
+
+COWS
+
+
+Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit
+to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John.
+A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited.
+
+"Oh, Cousin John, what is that?" he asked.
+
+"Why, that is only a cow," John replied.
+
+"And what are those things on her head?"
+
+"Horns," answered John.
+
+Before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud.
+
+Willie was astounded. Looking back, he demanded, in a very fever of
+interest:
+
+"Which horn did she blow?"
+
+
+   There was an old man who said, "How
+   Shall I flee from this horrible cow?
+     I will sit on this stile
+     And continue to smile,
+   Which may soften the heart of that cow."
+
+
+
+
+CRITICISM
+
+
+FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that new
+pianist's concert last night!"
+
+SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?"
+
+FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!"
+
+
+                               As soon
+   Seek roses in December--ice in June,
+   Hope, constancy in wind, or corn in chaff;
+   Believe a woman or an epitaph,
+   Or any other thing that's false, before
+   You trust in critics.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.--_Disraeli_.
+
+
+_See also_ Dramatic criticism.
+
+
+
+
+CRUELTY
+
+
+"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase of
+flowers."
+
+"I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A."
+
+
+
+
+CUCUMBERS
+
+
+Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does its
+best fighting till it's down.--Stanford Chaparral.
+
+
+
+
+CULTURE
+
+
+_See_ Kultur.
+
+
+
+
+CURFEW
+
+
+A former resident of Marshall, Mo., was asking about the old town.
+
+"I understand they have a curfew law out there now," he said.
+
+"No," his informant answered, "they did have one, but they abandoned
+it."
+
+"What was the matter?"
+
+"Well, the bell rang at 9 o'clock, and almost everyone complained that
+it woke them up."
+
+
+
+
+CURIOSITY
+
+
+The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a
+woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and
+fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was
+suspended in mid-air. The minister noticed her undignified position and
+thundered at the congregation:
+
+"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck
+stone-blind."
+
+A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who dreaded
+the clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion and said:
+
+"I'm going to risk one eye."
+
+
+A one-armed man entered a restaurant at noon and seated himself next to
+a dapper little other-people's-business man. The latter at once noticed
+his neighbor's left sleeve hanging loose and kept eying it in a
+how-did-it-happen sort of a way. The one-armed man paid no attention to
+him but kept on eating with his one hand. Finally the inquisitive one
+could stand it no longer. He changed his position a little, cleared his
+throat, and said: "I beg pardon, sir, but I see you have lost an arm."
+
+The one-armed man picked up his sleeve with his right hand and peered
+anxiously into it. "Bless my soul!" he exclaimed, looking up with great
+surprise. "I do believe you're right."
+
+
+_See also_ Wives.
+
+
+
+
+CYCLONES
+
+
+_See_ Windfalls.
+
+
+
+
+DACHSHUNDS
+
+
+A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his
+mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial
+conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?"
+
+"Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad.
+
+"Where is he?" questioned the dominic, knowing the way to a boy's heart.
+
+"Father sends him away for the winter. He says it takes him so long to
+go in and out of the door he cools the whole house off."
+
+
+
+
+DAMAGES
+
+
+A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty,
+accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs.
+Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion.
+
+When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Delehanty's troubles, the
+lawyer said:
+
+"You want to get damages, I suppose?"
+
+"Damages! Damages!" came in shrill tones from Mrs. Delehanty. "Haven't I
+got damages enough already, man? What I'm after is satisfaction."
+
+
+A Chicago man who was a passenger on a train that met with an accident
+not far from that city tells of a curious incident that he witnessed in
+the car wherein he was sitting.
+
+Just ahead of him were a man and his wife. Suddenly the train was
+derailed, and went bumping down a steep hill. The man evinced signs of
+the greatest terror; and when the car came to a stop he carefully
+examined himself to learn whether he had received any injury. After
+ascertaining that he was unhurt, he thought of his wife and damages.
+
+"Are you hurt, dear?" he asked.
+
+"No, thank Heaven!" was the grateful response.
+
+"Look here, then," continued hubby, "I'll tell you what we'll do. You
+let me black your eye, and we'll soak the company good for damages! It
+won't hurt you much. I'll give you just one good punch." _--Howard
+Morse_.
+
+
+Up in Minnesota Mr. Olsen had a cow killed by a railroad train. In due
+season the claim agent for the railroad called.
+
+"We understand, of course, that the deceased was a very docile and
+valuable animal," said the claim agent in his most persuasive
+claim-agentlemanly manner "and we sympathize with you and your family in
+your loss. But, Mr. Olsen, you must remember this: Your cow had no
+business being upon our tracks. Those tracks are our private property
+and when she invaded them, she became a trespasser. Technically
+speaking, you, as her owner, became a trespasser also. But we have no
+desire to carry the issue into court and possibly give you trouble. Now
+then, what would you regard as a fair settlement between you and the
+railroad company?"
+
+"Vail," said Mr. Olsen slowly, "Ay bane poor Swede farmer, but Ay shall
+give you two dollars."
+
+
+
+
+DANCING
+
+
+He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so his
+friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final?
+
+"Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I still love it, and I've
+merely stopped until I can find a concave lady for a partner."
+
+
+George Bernard Shaw was recently entertained at a house party. While the
+other guests were dancing, one of the onlookers called Mr. Shaw's
+attention to the awkward dancing of a German professor.
+
+"Really horrid dancing, isn't it, Mr. Shaw?"
+
+G.B.S. was not at a loss for the true Shavian response. "Oh that's not
+dancing" he answered. "That's the New Ethical Movement!"
+
+
+On a journey through the South not long ago, Wu Ting Fang was impressed
+by the preponderance of negro labor in one of the cities he visited.
+Wherever the entertainment committee led him, whether to factory, store
+or suburban plantation, all the hard work seemed to be borne by the
+black men.
+
+Minister Wu made no comment at the time, but in the evening when he was
+a spectator at a ball given in his honor, after watching the waltzing
+and two-stepping for half an hour, he remarked to his host:
+
+"Why don't you make the negroes do that for you, too?"
+
+
+  If they had danced the tango and the trot
+    In days of old, there is no doubt we'd find
+  The poet would have written--would he not?--
+   "On with the dance, let joy be unrefined!"
+
+  --_J.J. O'Connell_.
+
+
+
+
+DEAD BEATS
+
+
+See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts.
+
+
+
+
+DEBTS
+
+
+A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Two
+friends, who were on their way to California, were among the passengers.
+
+"Here's where we lose all our money," one said, as a robber entered the
+car.
+
+"You don't think they'll take everything, do you?" the other asked
+nervously.
+
+"Certainly," the first replied. "These fellows never miss anything."
+
+"That will be terrible," the second friend said. "Are you quite sure
+they won't leave us any money?" he persisted.
+
+"Of course," was the reply. "Why do you ask?"
+
+The other was silent for a minute. Then, taking a fifty-dollar note from
+his pocket, he handed it to his friend.
+
+"What is this for?" the first asked, taking the money.
+
+"That's the fifty dollars I owe you," the other answered. "Now we're
+square."--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_.
+
+
+WILLIS--"He calls himself a dynamo."
+
+GILLIS--"No wonder; everything he has on is charged."--_Judge_.
+
+
+   Anticipated rents, and bills unpaid,
+   Force many a shining youth into the shade,
+   Not to redeem his time, but his estate,
+   And play the fool, but at the cheaper rate.
+
+   --_Cowper_.
+
+
+I hold every man a debtor to his profession.--_Bacon_.
+
+
+
+
+DEER
+
+
+   "The deer's a mighty useful beast
+     From Petersburg to Tennyson
+   For while he lives he lopes around
+     And when he's dead he's venison."
+
+   --_Ellis Parker Butler_.
+
+
+
+
+DEGREES
+
+
+   A young theologian named Fiddle
+     Refused to accept his degree;
+   "For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle,
+     Without being Fiddle D.D."
+
+
+
+
+DEMOCRACY
+
+
+"Why are you so vexed, Irma?"
+
+"I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social Equality
+League, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the audacity to call me
+to order three times."--_M. L. Hayward_.
+
+
+_See also_ Ancestry.
+
+
+
+
+DEMOCRATIC PARTY
+
+
+HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward
+or a--"
+
+MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic."
+
+
+
+
+DENTISTRY
+
+
+Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and
+there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and he
+held out a baby tooth.
+
+"How did you pull it?" demanded his mother.
+
+"Oh," he said bravely, "it was easy enough. I just fell down, and the
+whole world came up and pushed it out."
+
+
+
+
+DENTISTS
+
+
+The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain
+employment for his own.
+
+
+One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That
+night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to
+hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our
+dentists."--_Everybody's_.
+
+
+One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade, because his
+trade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man
+gets his living.--_Haglitt_.
+
+
+
+
+DESCRIPTION
+
+
+A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowy
+figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must have been
+raised in the lumber regions.--_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_.
+
+
+
+
+DESIGN, DECORATIVE
+
+
+Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace
+she had just crocheted.
+
+"Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned.
+
+"Out of my head," she answered lightly.
+
+"Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked anxiously.--_C. Hilton
+Turvey_.
+
+
+
+
+DESTINATION
+
+
+A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, has
+succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitement
+to the names of the national capitol's streets. On a recent Sunday
+morning he was calling the streets thus:
+
+"Haitch!"
+
+"High!"
+
+"Jay!"
+
+"Kay!"
+
+"Hell!"
+
+At this point three prim ladies picked up their prayer-books and left
+the car.--_Lippincott's Magazine_.
+
+
+Andrew Lang once invited a friend to dinner when he was staying in
+Marlowe's road, Earl's Court, a street away at the end of that long
+Cromwell road, which seems to go on forever. The guest was not very
+sure how to get there, so Lang explained:
+
+"Walk right' along Cromwell road," he said, "till you drop dead and my
+house is just opposite!"
+
+
+
+
+DETAILS
+
+
+Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the
+importance of detail.
+
+"Those who work for me," he said, "follow my directions down to the very
+smallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often to go
+altogether wrong--like the dissipated husband.
+
+"A dissipated husband as he stood before his house in the small hours
+searching for his latchkey, muttered to himself:
+
+"'Now which did my wife say--hic--have two whishkies an' get home by 12,
+or--hic--have twelve whishkies an' get home by 2?'"
+
+
+
+
+DETECTIVES
+
+
+When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly
+recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the great
+literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully:
+
+"If you please, sir, I should much prefer a ticket to your lecture. If
+you should have none with you a visiting-card penciled by yourself would
+do."
+
+Conan Doyle laughed.
+
+"Tell me," he said, "how did you know who I was, and I will give you
+tickets for your whole family."
+
+"Thank you sir," was the reply. "Why, we all knew--that is, all the
+members of the Cabmen's Literary Guild knew--that you were coming by
+this train. I happen to be the only member on duty at the station this
+morning. If you will excuse personal remarks your coat lapels are badly
+twisted downward where they have been grasped by the pertinacious New
+York reporters. Your hair has the Quakerish cut of a Philadelphia
+barber, and your hat, battered at the brim in front, shows where you
+have tightly grasped it in the struggle to stand your ground at a
+Chicago literary luncheon. Your right overshoe has a large block of
+Buffalo mud just under the instep, the odor of a Utica cigar hangs about
+your clothing, and the overcoat itself shows the slovenly brushing of
+the porters of the through sleepers from Albany, and stenciled upon the
+very end of the 'Wellington' in fairly plain lettering is your name,
+'Conan Doyle.'"
+
+
+
+
+DETERMINATION
+
+
+After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said to
+have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democratic merchant:
+
+MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead."
+
+BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's gone at last."
+
+MERCHANT (_not appreciating the shrug_)--"Well, sir, he was a good man."
+
+BROKER (_with shrug more pronounced_)--"I don't know about that."
+
+MERCHANT (_energetically_)--"He was a good man, sir. If any man has
+gone to heaven, General Jackson has gone to heaven."
+
+BROKER (_doggedly_)--"I don't know about that."
+
+MERCHANT--"Well, sir, I tell you that if Andrew Jackson had made up his
+mind to go to heaven, you may depend upon it he's there."
+
+
+
+
+DIAGNOSIS
+
+
+An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and
+was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned
+to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written:
+
+"This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plain
+fit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice."
+
+
+
+
+DIET
+
+
+Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet.--_William Gilmore
+Beymer_.
+
+
+  There was a young lady named Perkins,
+  Who had a great fondness for gherkins;
+    She went to a tea
+    And ate twenty-three,
+  Which pickled her internal workin's.
+
+
+"Mother," asked the little one, on the occasion of a number of guests
+being present at dinner, "will the dessert hurt me, or is there enough
+to go round?"
+
+
+The doctor told him he needed carbohydrates, proteids, and above all,
+something nitrogenous. The doctor mentioned a long list of foods for him
+to eat. He staggered out and wabbled into a Penn avenue restaurant.
+
+"How about beefsteak?" he asked the waiter. "Is that nitrogenous?"
+
+The waiter didn't know.
+
+"Are fried potatoes rich in carbohydrates or not?"
+
+The waiter couldn't say.
+
+"Well, I'll fix it," declared the poor man in despair. "Bring me a large
+plate of hash."
+
+
+   A Colonel, who used to assert
+   That naught his digestion could hurt,
+     Was forced to admit
+     That his weak point was hit
+   When they gave him hot shot for dessert.
+
+
+To abstain that we may enjoy is the epicurianism of reason.--_Rousseau_.
+
+
+They are as sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve with
+nothing.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+DILEMMAS
+
+
+A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate
+supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in every
+political "heated term."
+
+Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of the
+western mountains, two hardy prospectors fell in with a bull bison that
+seemed to have been separated from his kind and run amuck. One of the
+prospectors took to the branches of a tree and the other dived into a
+cave. The buffalo bellowed at the entrance to the cavern and then turned
+toward the tree. Out came the man from the cave, and the buffalo took
+after him again. The man made another dive for the hole. After this had
+been repeated several times, the man in the tree called to his comrade,
+who was trembling at the mouth of the cavern:
+
+"Stay in the cave, you idiot!"
+
+"You don't know nothing about this hole," bawled the other. "There's a
+bear in it!"
+
+
+
+
+DINING
+
+
+A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic
+marathon.--_John E. Rosser_.
+
+
+"That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, turn
+over, and do such queer stunts."
+
+"I am not surprised; he never did have good table manners."
+
+
+"Chakey, Chakey," called the big sister as she stood in the doorway and
+looked down the street toward the group of small boys: "Chakey, come in
+alreaty and eat youseself. Maw she's on the table and Paw he's half et."
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Cork,
+  Whose Pa made a fortune in pork;
+    He bought for his daughter
+    A tutor who taught her
+  To balance green peas on her fork.
+
+
+An anecdote about Dr. Randall Davidson, bishop of Winchester, is that
+after an ecclesiastical function, as the clergy were trooping in to
+luncheon, an unctuous archdeacon observed: "This is the time to put a
+bridle on our appetites!"
+
+"Yes," replied the bishop, "this is the time to put a bit in our
+mouths!"--_Christian Life_.
+
+
+  There was a young lady named Maud,
+  A very deceptive young fraud;
+    She never was able
+    To eat at the table,
+  But out in the pantry--O Lord!
+
+
+"Father's trip abroad did him so much good," said the self-made man's
+daughter. "He looks better, feels better, and as for appetite--honestly,
+it would just do your heart good to hear him eat!"
+
+
+Whistler, the artist, was one day invited to dinner at a friend's house
+and arrived at his destination two hours late.
+
+"How extraordinary!" he exclaimed, as he walked into the dining-room
+where the company was seated at the table; "really, I should think you
+might have waited a bit--why, you're just like a lot of pigs with your
+eating!"
+
+
+  A macaroon,
+    A cup of tea,
+  An afternoon,
+    Is all that she
+  Will eat;
+    She's in society.
+
+  But let me take
+    This maiden fair
+  To some café,
+    And, then and there,
+  She'll eat the whole
+    Blame bill of fare.
+
+  --_The Mystic Times_.
+
+
+The small daughter of the house was busily setting the tables for
+expected company when her mother called to her:
+
+"Put down three forks at each place, dear."
+
+Having made some observations on her own account when the expected
+guests had dined with her mother before, she inquired thoughtfully:
+
+"Shall I give Uncle John three knives?"
+
+
+For a man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than he does
+of his dinner--_Samuel Johnson_.
+
+
+
+DIPLOMACY
+
+
+WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home."
+
+HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The one
+with the soulful eyes and--"
+
+WIFE--"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done,
+dear. On second thought, I won't bother you."
+
+
+Scripture tells us that a soft answer turneth away wrath. A witty
+repartee sometimes helps one immensely also.
+
+When Richard Olney was secretary of state he frequently gave expression
+to the opinion that appointees to the consular service should speak the
+language of the countries to which they were respectively accredited. It
+is said that when a certain breezy and enterprising western politician
+who was desirous of serving the Cleveland administration in the capacity
+of consul of the Chinese ports presented his papers to Mr. Olney, the
+secretary remarked:
+
+"Are you aware, Mr. Blank, that I never recommend to the President the
+appointment of a consul unless he speaks the language of the country to
+which he desires to go? Now, I suppose you do not speak Chinese?"
+
+Whereupon the westerner grinned broadly. "If, Mr. Secretary," said he,
+"you will ask me a question in Chinese, I shall be happy to answer it."
+He got the appointment.
+
+
+"Miss de Simpson," said the young secretary of legation, "I have opened
+negotiations with your father upon the subject of--er--coming to see you
+oftener, with a view ultimately to forming an alliance, and he has
+responded favorably. May I ask if you will ratify the arrangement, as a
+_modus vivendi?_"
+
+"Mr. von Harris," answered the daughter of the eminent diplomat, "don't
+you think it would have been a more graceful recognition of my
+administrative entity if you had asked me first?"
+
+
+   I call'd the devil and he came,
+     And with wonder his form did I closely scan;
+   He is not ugly, and is not lame,
+     But really a handsome and charming man.
+   A man in the prime of life is the devil,
+   Obliging, a man of the world, and civil;
+   A diplomatist too, well skill'd in debate,
+   He talks quite glibly of church and state.
+
+  --_Heine_.
+
+
+
+
+DISCIPLINE
+
+
+_See_ Military discipline; Parents.
+
+
+
+
+DISCOUNTS
+
+
+A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets
+of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a traveling
+salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished out $200, but
+rapidly took $4 from the pile and placed it in his vest pocket.
+
+"What do you mean by that?" asked the robber, as he toyed with his
+revolver. Hurriedly came the answer: "Mine frent, you surely vould not
+refuse me two per zent discount on a strictly cash transaction like
+dis?"
+
+
+
+
+DISCRETION
+
+
+When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club.
+
+
+
+
+DISPOSITION
+
+
+One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to
+animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing of
+a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" he
+wrote: "Kind and gentle."
+
+There was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered. He was
+always cross.
+
+
+
+
+DISTANCES
+
+
+A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling
+prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and
+the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next
+town.
+
+A rancher rode past.
+
+"Say, friend," called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next
+town?"
+
+"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher.
+Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
+
+"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
+
+"Oh, a good two miles."
+
+A weary half-hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher.
+
+"Hey, how far's the next town?"
+
+"Not far," was the encouraging answer. "Only about two miles."
+
+"Well," sighed an optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holdin' our
+own, anyhow!"
+
+
+
+
+DIVORCE
+
+
+"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week
+what would you call it?"
+
+"Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_.
+
+
+
+
+DOGS
+
+
+LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The
+poor little darling, where did you find him?"
+
+TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the
+windows wiv 'im!"
+
+
+A family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were told that
+they should get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So they
+bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a neighboring
+dog fancier, who was a German. Shortly afterward the house was entered
+by burglars who made a good haul, while the big dog slept. The man went
+to the dog fancier and told him about it.
+
+"Veil, vat you need now," said the dog merchant, "is a leedle dog to
+vake up the big dog."
+
+
+  "Dogs is mighty useful beasts
+    They might seem bad at first
+  They might seem worser right along
+    But when they're dead
+          They're wurst."
+
+  --_Ellis Parker Butler_.
+
+
+"My dog took first prize at the cat show."
+
+"How was that?"
+
+"He took the cat."--_Judge_.
+
+
+FAIR VISITOR--"Why are you giving Fido's teeth such a thorough
+brushing?"
+
+FOND MISTRESS--"Oh! The poor darling's just bitten some horrid person,
+and, really, you know, one can't be too careful."--_Life_.
+
+
+"Do you know that that bulldog of yours killed my wife's little
+harmless, affectionate poodle?"
+
+"Well, what are you going to do about it?"
+
+"Would you be offended if I was to present him with a nice brass
+collar?"
+
+
+  Fleshy Miss Muffet
+  Sat down on Tuffet,
+    A very good dog in his way;
+  When she saw what she'd done,
+  She started to run--
+    And Tuffet was buried next day.
+
+  --_L.T.H_.
+
+
+William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R.
+I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog
+ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kicked
+the animal halfway across the tracks, and was immediately confronted by
+the owner, who demanded an explanation in language more forcible than
+courteous.
+
+"Why," said Stevens when the other paused for breath, "your dog's mad."
+
+"Mad! Mad! You double-dyed blankety-blank fool, he ain't mad!"
+
+"Oh, ain't he?" cut in Stevens. "Gosh! I should be if any one kicked me
+like that!"
+
+
+One would have it that a collie is the most sagacious of dogs, while the
+other stood up for the setter.
+
+"I once owned a setter," declared the latter, "which was very
+intelligent. I had him on the street one day, and he acted so queerly
+about a certain man we met that I asked the man his name, and--"
+
+"Oh, that's an old story!" the collie's advocate broke in sneeringly.
+"The man's name was Partridge, of course, and because of that the dog
+came to a set. Ho, ho! Come again!"
+
+"You're mistaken," rejoined the other suavely. "The dog didn't come
+quite to a set, though almost. As a matter of fact, the man's name was
+Quayle, and the dog hesitated on account of the spelling!"--_P. R.
+Benson_.
+
+
+The more one sees of men the more one likes dogs.
+
+
+_See also_ Dachshunds.
+
+
+
+
+DOMESTIC FINANCE
+
+
+"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist
+himself."
+
+"As to how?"
+
+"Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found it out
+yet."--_Washington Herald_.
+
+
+A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her little boy the story of a
+young lad whose father was taken ill and died, after which he set
+himself diligently to work to support himself and his mother. When she
+had finished her story she said:
+
+"Dear Billy, if your papa were to die, would you work to support your
+dear mamma?"
+
+"Naw!" said Billy unexpectedly.
+
+"But why not?"
+
+"Ain't we got a good house to live in?"
+
+"Yes, dearie, but we can't eat the house, you know."
+
+"Ain't there a lot o' stuff in the pantry?"
+
+"Yes, but that won't last forever."
+
+"It'll last till you git another husband, won't it? You're a pretty good
+looker, ma!"
+
+Mamma gave up right there.
+
+
+"I am sending you a thousand kisses," he wrote to his fair young wife
+who was spending her first month away from him. Two days later he
+received the following telegram: "Kisses received. Landlord refuses to
+accept any of them on account." Then he woke up and forwarded a check.
+
+
+_See also_ Trouble.
+
+
+
+
+DOMESTIC RELATIONS
+
+
+  There was a young man of Dunbar,
+  Who playfully poisoned his Ma;
+    When he'd finished his work,
+    He remarked with a smirk,
+  "This will cause quite a family jar."
+
+
+_See also_ Families; Marriage.
+
+
+
+
+DRAMA
+
+
+The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the
+second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity.--_Eugene
+Walter_.
+
+
+The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't having a
+good time. He cared nothing for the Shakespearean drama.
+
+"What's the greatest play you ever saw?" the young woman asked,
+observing his abstraction.
+
+Instantly he brightened.
+
+"Tinker touching a man out between second and third and getting the ball
+over to Chance in time to nab the runner to first!" he said.
+
+
+LARRY--"I like Professor Whatishisname in Shakespeare. He brings things
+home to you that you never saw before."
+
+HARRY--"Huh! I've got a laundryman as good as that."
+
+
+I think I love and reverence all arts equally, only putting my own just
+above the others.... To me it seems as if when God conceived the world,
+that was Poetry; He formed it, and that was Sculpture; He colored it,
+and that was Painting; He peopled it with living beings, and that was
+the grand, divine, eternal Drama.--_Charlotte Cushman_.
+
+
+Two women were leaving the theater after a performance of "The Doll's
+House."
+
+"Oh, don't you _love_ Ibsen?" asked one, ecstatically. "Doesn't he just
+take all the hope out of life?"
+
+
+
+
+DRAMATIC CRITICISM
+
+
+Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism.
+
+"I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard in the
+lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the play."
+
+"The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, which was for his
+wife's ears alone, consisted of these words:
+
+"'Well, you would come!'"
+
+
+Nat Goodwin, the American comedian, when at the Shaftesbury Theatre,
+London, told of an experience he once had with a juvenile deadhead in a
+town in America. Standing outside the theater a little time before the
+performance was due to begin he observed a small boy with an anxious,
+forlorn look on his face and a weedy-looking pup in his arms.
+
+Goodwin inquired what was the matter, and was told that the boy wished
+to sell the dog so as to raise the price of a seat in the gallery. The
+actor suspected at once a dodge to secure a pass on the "sympathy
+racket," but allowing himself to be taken in he gave the boy a pass. The
+dog was deposited in a safe place and the boy was able to watch Goodwin
+as the Gilded Fool from a good seat in the gallery. Next day Goodwin saw
+the boy again near the theater, so he asked:
+
+"Well, sonny, how did you like the show?"
+
+"I'm glad I didn't sell my dog," was the reply.
+
+
+
+
+DRAMATISTS
+
+
+"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards."
+
+"Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snow
+storm scene."
+
+
+"So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" remarked the
+tourist.
+
+"Yes," replied the manager of the Frozen Dog Opera House. "He's got a
+five-mile start and I don't think the boys kin ketch him."--_Life_.
+
+
+We all know the troubles of a dramatist are many and varied.
+
+Here's an advertisement taken from a morning paper that shows to what a
+pass a genius may come in a great city:
+
+"Wanted--A collaborator, by a young playwright. The play is already
+written; collaborator to furnish board and bed until play is produced."
+
+
+
+
+DRESSMAKERS
+
+
+WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter."
+
+HUSBAND--"What letter?"
+
+WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the
+writing, and you turned pale when you saw it."
+
+HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill."
+
+
+
+
+DRINKING
+
+
+  He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober,
+  Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October;
+  But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow,
+  Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow.
+
+  --_Parody on Fletcher_.
+
+
+
+I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no
+occasion.--_Cervantes_.
+
+I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could wish courtesy
+would invent some other custom of entertainment.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+  The Frenchman loves his native wine;
+    The German loves his beer;
+  The Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf,
+    Because it brings good cheer;
+  The Irishman loves his "whiskey straight,"
+    Because it gives him dizziness;
+  The American has no choice at all,
+    So he drinks the whole blamed business.
+
+
+A young Englishman came to Washington and devoted his days and nights to
+an earnest endeavor to drink all the Scotch whiskey there was. He
+couldn't do it, and presently went to a doctor, complaining of a
+disordered stomach.
+
+"Quit drinking!" ordered the doctor.
+
+"But, my dear sir, I cawn't. I get so thirsty."
+
+"Well," said the doctor, "whenever you are thirsty eat an apple instead
+of taking a drink."
+
+The Englishman paid his fee and left. He met a friend to whom he told
+his experience.
+
+"Bally rot!" he protested. "Fawncy eating forty apples a day!"
+
+
+If you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you think is
+wholesome, you may say "you wish you could, but so little makes you both
+drunk and sick; that you should only be bad company by doing so."--_Lord
+Chesterfield_.
+
+
+There is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the slip.--_Judge_.
+
+
+One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year's
+resolution.--_Life_.
+
+
+DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink."
+
+SANDY (with brightening face)--"Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor! Anything
+you've got with ye."
+
+
+  Here's to the girls of the American shore,
+  I love but one, I love no more,
+  Since she's not here to drink her part,
+  I'll drink her share with all my heart.
+
+
+A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine recently,
+when news reached him of an addition to his family circle. The happy
+father immediately provided himself with some water from the Jordan to
+carry home for the christening of the infant, and returned to Scotland.
+
+On the Sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly presented himself at
+the church, and sought out the beadle in order to hand over the precious
+water to his care. He pulled the flask from his pocket, but the beadle
+held up a warning hand, and came nearer to whisper:
+
+"No the noo, sir; no the noo! Maybe after the kirk's oot!"
+
+
+When President Eliot of Harvard was in active service as head of the
+university, reports came to him that one of his young charges was in the
+habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him, and President
+Eliot determined to do his duty and look into the matter.
+
+Meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly after
+breakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded, "Young
+man, do you drink?"
+
+"Why, why, why," stammered the young man, "why, President Eliot, not so
+early in the morning, thank you."
+
+
+WIFE (on auto tour)--"That fellow back there said there is a road-house
+a few miles down the road. Shall we stop there?"
+
+HUSBAND--"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?"
+
+
+A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish
+parishioners to get a shave. He observed the barber was suffering from a
+recent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few moments the
+barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek. "There, Pat, you have cut
+me," said the priest as he raised his hand and caressed the wound. "Yis,
+y'r riv'rance," answered the barber. "That shows you," continued the
+priest, in a tone of censure, "what the use of liquor will do." "Yis,
+y'r riv'rance," replied the barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender."
+
+
+Ex-congressman Asher G. Caruth, of Kentucky, tells this story of an
+experience he once had on a visit to a little Ohio town.
+
+"I went up there on legal business," he says, "and, knowing that I
+should have to stay all night, I proceeded directly to the only hotel.
+The landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a kindly air as
+I registered. It seems that he was a little hard of hearing, a fact of
+which I was not aware. As I jabbed the pen back into the dish of bird
+shot, I said:
+
+"'Can you direct me to the bank?'
+
+"He looked at me blankly for a second, then swinging the register
+around, he glanced down swiftly, caught the 'Louisville' after my name,
+and an expression of complete understanding lighting up his countenance,
+he said:
+
+"'Certainly, sir. You will find the bar right through that door at the
+left.'"
+
+
+_See also_ Drunkards; Good fellowship; Temperance; Wine.
+
+
+
+
+DROUGHTS
+
+
+Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona,
+noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country.
+
+"Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives.
+
+"Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's bullfrogs in
+this yere town over five years old that hain't learned to swim yet!"
+
+
+
+
+DRUNKARDS
+
+
+  Sing a song of sick gents,
+  Pockets full of rye,
+  Four and twenty highballs,
+  We wish that we might die.
+
+
+Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out
+nearly all night.
+
+"Don't your wife miss you on these occasions?" asked one.
+
+"Not often," replied the other; "she throws pretty straight."
+
+
+"Where's old Four-Fingered Pete?" asked Alkali Ike. "I ain't seen him
+around here since I got back."
+
+"Pete?" said the bartender. "Oh, he went up to Hyena Tongue and got
+jagged. Went up to a hotel winder, stuck his head in and hollered
+'Fire!' and everybody did."
+
+
+The Irish talent for repartee has an amusing illustration in Lord
+Rossmore's recent book "Things I Can Tell." While acting as magistrate
+at an Irish village, Lord Rossmore said to an old offender brought
+before him: "You here again?" "Yes, your honor." "What's brought you
+here?" "Two policemen, your honor." "Come, come, I know that--drunk
+again, I suppose?" "Yes, your honor, both of them."
+
+
+The colonel came down to breakfast New Year's morning with a bandaged
+hand.
+
+"Why, colonel, what's the matter?" they asked.
+
+"Confound it all!" the colonel answered, "we had a little party last
+night, and one of the younger men got intoxicated and stepped on my
+hand."
+
+
+MAGISTRATE--"And what was the prisoner doing?"
+
+CONSTABLE--"E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab driver, yer
+worship."
+
+MAGISTRATE--"But that doesn't prove he was drunk."
+
+CONSTABLE--"Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer worship."
+
+
+A Scotch minister and his servant, who were coming home from a wedding,
+began to consider the state into which their potations at the wedding
+feast had left them.
+
+"Sandy," said the minister, "just stop a minute here till I go ahead.
+Maybe I don't walk very steady and the good wife might remark something
+not just right."
+
+He walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then asked:
+
+"How is it? Am I walking straight?"
+
+"Oh, ay," answered Sandy thickly, "ye're a' recht--but who's that who's
+with ye."
+
+
+A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most
+vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman.
+
+"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one.
+
+"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I know
+she'sh home all right--I shee a light upshtairs."
+
+
+A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful brow
+boarded a New York elevated train and took the only unoccupied seat. The
+man next him had evidently been drinking. For a while the little man
+contented himself with merely sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor,
+but finally he summoned the guard.
+
+"Conductor," he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken people to
+ride upon this train?"
+
+"No, sir," replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But don't say a
+word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me I'd never have
+noticed ye."
+
+
+A noisy bunch tacked out of their club late one night, and up the
+street. They stopped in front of an imposing residence. After
+considerable discussion one of them advanced and pounded on the door. A
+woman stuck her head out of a second-story window and demanded, none too
+sweetly: "What do you want?"
+
+"Ish thish the residence of Mr. Smith?" inquired the man on the steps,
+with an elaborate bow.
+
+"It is. What do you want?"
+
+"Ish it possible I have the honor of speakin' to Misshus Smith?"
+
+"Yes. What do you want?"
+
+"Dear Misshus Smith! Good Misshus Smith! Will you--hic--come down an'
+pick out Mr. Smith? The resh of us want to go home."
+
+
+That clever and brilliant genius, McDougall, who represented California
+in the United States Senate, was like many others of his class somewhat
+addicted to fiery stimulants, and unable to battle long with them
+without showing the effect of the struggle. Even in his most exhausted
+condition he was, however, brilliant at repartee; but one night, at a
+supper of journalists given to the late George D. Prentice, a genius of
+the same mold and the same unfortunate habit, he found a foeman worthy
+of his steel in General John Cochrane. McDougall had taken offense at
+some anti-slavery sentiments which had been uttered--it was in war
+times--and late in the evening got on his legs for the tenth time to
+make a reply. The spirit did not move him to utterance, however; on the
+contrary, it quite deprived him of the power of speech; and after an
+ineffectual attempt at speech he suddenly concluded:
+
+"Those are my sentiments, sir, and my name's McDougall."
+
+"I beg the gentleman's pardon," said General Cochrane, springing to his
+feet; "but what was that last remark?"
+
+McDougall pronounced it again; "my name's McDougall."
+
+"There must be some error," said Cochrane, gravely. "I have known Mr.
+McDougall many years, and there never was a time when as late as twelve
+o'clock at night he knew what his name was."
+
+
+On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old German and his youngest son were
+seated in the village inn. The father had partaken liberally of the
+home-brewed beer, and was warning his son against the evils of
+intemperance. "Never drink too much, my son. A gentleman stops when he
+has enough. To be drunk is a disgrace."
+
+"Yes, Father, but how can I tell when I have enough or am drunk?"
+
+The old man pointed with his finger. "Do you see those two men sitting
+in the corner? If you see four men there, you would be drunk."
+
+The boy looked long and earnestly. "Yes, Father, but--but--there is only
+one man in that corner."--_W. Karl Hilbrich_.
+
+
+William R. Hearst, who never touches liquor, had several men in
+important positions on his newspapers who were not strangers to
+intoxicants. Mr. Hearst has a habit of appearing at his office at
+unexpected times and summoning his chiefs of departments for
+instructions. One afternoon he sent for Mr. Blank.
+
+"He hasn't come down yet, sir," reported the office boy.
+
+"Please tell Mr. Dash I want to see him."
+
+"He hasn't come down yet either."
+
+"Well, find Mr. Star or Mr. Sun or Mr. Moon--anybody; I want to see one
+of them at once."
+
+"Ain't none of 'em here yet, sir. You see there was a celebration last
+night and--"
+
+Mr. Hearst sank back in his chair and remarked in his quiet way:
+
+"For a man who don't drink I think I suffer more from the effects of it
+than anybody in the world."
+
+
+"What is a drunken man like, Fool?"
+
+"Like a drowned man, a fool and a madman: one draught above heat makes
+him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him."--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+DYSPEPSIA
+
+
+"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia."
+
+"And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look
+healthy enough."
+
+"Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has."
+
+
+
+
+ECHOES
+
+
+An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of
+the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor,
+produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned
+clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the
+Yankee exclaimed:
+
+"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country."
+
+"Oh, I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. Why
+in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out of my
+window and call out, 'Time to get up: wake up!' and eight hours
+afterward the echo comes back and wakes me."
+
+
+
+
+ECONOMY
+
+
+An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some
+other person's expenses.
+
+
+Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some
+day, want something which you probably won't want.--_Anthony Hope_.
+
+
+Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it.
+
+
+Ther's lots o' difference between thrift an' tryin' t' revive a last
+year's straw hat.--_Abe Martin_.
+
+
+Economy is a great revenue.--_Cicero_.
+
+
+_See also_ Domestic finance; Saving; Thrift.
+
+
+
+
+EDITORS
+
+
+Recipe for an editor:
+
+  Take a personal hatred of authors,
+    Mix this with a fiendish delight
+  In refusing all efforts of genius
+    And maiming all poets on sight.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+The city editor of a great New York daily was known in the newspaper
+world as a martinet and severe disciplinarian. Some of his caustic and
+biting criticisms are classics. Once, however, the tables were turned
+upon him in a way that left him speechless for days.
+
+A reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor did not
+approve of. The morning of publication this reporter drifted into the
+office and encountered his chief, who was in a white heat of anger.
+Carefully suppressing the explosion, however, the boss started in with
+ominous and icy words:
+
+"Mr. Blank, I am not going to criticize you for what you have written.
+On the other hand, I am profoundly sorry for you. I have watched your
+work recently, and it is my opinion, reached after calm and
+dispassionate observation, that you are mentally unbalanced. You are
+insane. Your mind is a wreck. Your friends should take you in hand. The
+very kindest suggestion I can make is that you visit an alienist and
+place yourself under treatment. So far you have shown no sign of
+violence, but what the future holds for you no one can tell. I say this
+in all kindness and frankness. You are discharged."
+
+The reporter walked out of the office and wandered up to Bellevue
+Hospital. He visited the insane pavilion, and told the resident surgeon
+that there was a suspicion that he was not all right mentally and asked
+to be examined. The doctor put him through the regular routine and then
+said,
+
+"Right as a top."
+
+"Sure?" asked the reporter. "Will you give me a certificate to that
+effect?" The doctor said he would and did. Clutching the certificate
+tightly in his hand the reporter entered the office an hour later,
+walked up to the city editor, handed it to him silently, and then
+blurted out,
+
+"Now you go get one."
+
+
+
+
+EDUCATION
+
+
+Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains
+from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after that he
+"struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with having more wealth than
+any one else in Colorado. A man of great shrewdness and ability, he was
+exceedingly sensitive over his inability to read or write. One day an
+old-timer met him with:
+
+"How are you getting along, Pat?"
+
+"Go 'way from me now," said Pat genially, "me head's bustin' wid
+business. It takes two lid-pincils a day to do me wurruk."
+
+
+A catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer finally
+found its way to a distant mountain village where it was evidently
+welcomed with interest. The firm received a carefully written, if
+somewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern "cracker" asking
+further particulars about one of the listed articles.
+
+To this, in the usual course of business, was sent a type-written
+answer. Almost by return mail came a reply:
+
+"You fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart, and you need not
+print your letters to me. I can read writing."
+
+
+
+
+EFFICIENCY
+
+
+An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army maneuvers.
+He was especially impressed with the German motor ambulances. As the
+tourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under a tree, the axle of one
+of the motor ambulances broke. Instantly the man leaped out, ran into
+the village, returned in a jiffy with a new axle, fixed it in place with
+wonderful skill, and teuffed-teuffed off again almost as good as new.
+
+"There's efficiency for you," said the American admirably. "There's
+German efficiency for you. No matter what breaks, there's always a stock
+at hand from which to supply the needed part."
+
+And praising the remarkable instance of German efficiency he had just
+witnessed, the tourist returned to the village and ordered up his car.
+But he couldn't use it. The axle was missing.
+
+
+A curious little man sat next an elderly, prosperous looking man in a
+smoking car.
+
+"How many people work in your office?" he asked.
+
+"Oh," responded the elderly man, getting up and throwing away his cigar,
+"I should say, at a rough guess, about two-thirds of them."
+
+
+
+
+EGOTISM
+
+
+In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below the
+dignity of a man of ten years.
+
+"Why," said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing in the
+wars, and do you think you are better than George Washington?"
+
+"I don't know," replied the boy seriously. "Only time can tell that."
+
+
+John D. Rockefeller tells this story on himself:
+
+"Golfing one bright winter day I had for caddie a boy who didn't know
+me.
+
+"An unfortunate stroke landed me in clump of high grass.
+
+"'My, my,' I said, 'what am I to do now?'
+
+"'See that there tree?' said the boy, pointing to a tall tree a mile
+away. 'Well, drive straight for that.'
+
+"I lofted vigorously, and, fortunately, my ball soared up into the air;
+it landed, and it rolled right on to the putting green.
+
+"'How's that, my boy?' I cried.
+
+"The caddie stared at me with envious eyes.
+
+"'Gee, boss,' he said, 'if I had your strength and you had my brains
+what a pair we'd make!'"
+
+
+The late Marshall Field had a very small office-boy who came to the
+great merchant one day with a request for an increase in wages.
+
+"Huh!" said Mr. Field, looking at him as if through a magnifying-glass.
+"Want a raise, do you? How much are you getting?"
+
+"Three dollars a week," chirped the little chap.
+
+"Three dollars a week!" exclaimed his employer. "Why, when I was your
+age I only got two dollars."
+
+"Oh, well, that's different," piped the youngster. "I guess you weren't
+worth any more."
+
+
+  Here's to the man who is wisest and best,
+  Here's to the man who with judgment is blest.
+  Here's to the man who's as smart as can be--
+  I mean the man who agrees with me.
+
+
+
+
+ELECTIONS
+
+
+In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and Germans. In
+a recent election a local option question was up.
+
+After the election some Germans were counting the votes. One German was
+calling off and another taking down the option votes. The first German,
+running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."
+Suddenly he stopped. "_Mein Gott_!" he cried: "_Dry_!"
+
+Then he went on--"Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."
+
+Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "_Himmel_!" he said.
+"Der son of a gun repeated!"
+
+
+WILLIS--"What's the election today for? Anybody happen to know?"
+
+GILLIS--"It is to determine whether we shall have a convention to
+nominate delegates who will be voted on as to whether they will attend a
+caucus which will decide whether we shall have a primary to determine
+whether the people want to vote on this same question again next
+year."--_Puck_.
+
+
+One year, when the youngsters of a certain Illinois village met for the
+purpose of electing a captain of their baseball team for the coming
+season, it appeared that there were an excessive number of candidates
+for the post, with more than the usual wrangling.
+
+Youngster after youngster presented his qualifications for the post; and
+the matter was still undecided when the son of the owner of the
+ball-field stood up. He was a small, snub-nosed lad, with a plentiful
+supply of freckles, but he glanced about him with a dignified air of
+controlling the situation.
+
+"I'm going to be captain this year," he announced convincingly, "or else
+Father's old bull is going to be turned into the field."
+
+He was elected unanimously.--_Fenimore Martin_.
+
+
+I consider biennial elections as a security that the sober second
+thought of the people shall be law.--_Fisher Ames_.
+
+
+
+
+ELECTRICITY
+
+
+In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the
+difference between lightning and electricity?"
+
+And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for lightning."
+
+
+
+
+EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS
+
+
+A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's cottage
+at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there being a
+scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the young gentleman took
+Willie on his lap.
+
+Then, during a pause in the conversation, little Willie looked up at the
+young gentleman and piped:
+
+"Am I as heavy as sister Mabel?"
+
+
+The late Charles Coghlan was a man of great wit and resource. When he
+was living in London, his wife started for an out-of-town visit. For
+some reason she found it necessary to return home, and on her way
+thither she saw her husband step out of a cab and hand a lady from it.
+Mrs. Coghlan confronted the pair. The actor was equal to the situation.
+
+"My dear," he said to his wife, "allow me to present Miss Blank. Mrs.
+Coghlan, Miss Blank."
+
+The two bowed coldly while Coghlan quickly added:
+
+"I know you ladies have ever so many things you want to say to each
+other, so I will ask to be excused."
+
+He lifted his hat, stepped into the cab, and was whirled away.
+
+
+The evening callers were chatting gaily with the Kinterbys when a patter
+of little feet was heard from the head of the stairs. Mrs. Kinterby
+raised her hand, warning the others to silence.
+
+"Hush!" she said, softly. "The children are going to deliver their
+'good-night' message. It always gives me a feeling of reverence to hear
+them--they are so much nearer the Creator than we are, and they speak
+the love that is in their little hearts never so fully as when the dark
+has come. Listen!"
+
+There was a moment of tense silence. Then--"Mama," came the message in a
+shrill whisper, "Willy found a bedbug!"
+
+
+"I was in an awkward predicament yesterday morning," said a husband to
+another.
+
+"How was that?"
+
+"Why, I came home late, and my wife heard me and said, 'John, what time
+is it?' and I said, 'Only twelve, my dear,' and just then that cuckoo
+clock of ours sang out three times."
+
+"What did you do?"
+
+"Why, I just had to stand there and cuckoo nine times more."
+
+
+"Your husband will be all right now," said an English doctor to a woman
+whose husband was dangerously ill.
+
+"What do you mean?" demanded the wife. "You told me 'e couldn't live a
+fortnight."
+
+"Well, I'm going to cure him, after all," said the doctor. "Surely you
+are glad?"
+
+The woman wrinkled her brows.
+
+"Puts me in a bit of an 'ole," she said. "I've bin an' sold all 'is
+clothes to pay for 'is funeral."
+
+
+
+
+EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES
+
+
+"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 a month
+right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it."
+
+"Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his help
+that way can hang on to his business."
+
+
+EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Have you any advice to a struggling young employee?"
+
+FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"Yes. Don't work."
+
+EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Don't work?"
+
+FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"No. Become an employer."
+
+
+General Benjamin F. Butler built a house in Washington on the same plans
+as his home in Lowell, Mass., and his studies were furnished in exactly
+the same way. He and his secretary, M. W. Clancy, afterward City Clerk
+of Washington for many years, were constantly traveling between the two
+places.
+
+One day a senator called upon General Butler in Lowell and the next day
+in Washington to find him and his secretary engaged upon the same work
+that had occupied them in Massachusetts.
+
+"Heavens, Clancy, don't you ever stop?"
+
+"No," interposed General Butler,
+
+  "'Satan finds some michief still
+  For idle hands to do.'"
+
+Clancy arose and bowed, saying:
+
+"General, I never was sure until now what my employer was. I had heard
+the rumor, but I always discredited it."
+
+
+W.J. ("Fingy") Conners, the New York politician, who is not precisely a
+Chesterfield, secured his first great freight-handling contract when he
+was a roustabout on the Buffalo docks. When the job was about to begin
+he called a thousand burly "dock-wallopers" to order, as narrated by one
+of his business friends:
+
+"Now," roared Conners, "yez are to worruk for me, and I want ivery man
+here to understand what's what. I kin lick anny man in the gang."
+
+Nine hundred and ninety-nine swallowed the insult, but one huge,
+double-fisted warrior moved uneasily and stepping from the line he said
+"You can't lick me, Jim Conners."
+
+"I can't, can't I?" bellowed "Fingy."
+
+"No, you can't" was the determined response.
+
+"Oh, well, thin, go to the office and git your money," said "Fingy."
+"I'll have no man in me gang that I can't lick."
+
+
+Outside his own cleverness there is nothing that so delights Mr. Wiggins
+as a game of baseball, and when he gets a chance to exploit the two,
+both at the same time, he may be said to be the happiest man in the
+world. Hence it was that the other day, when little red headed Willie
+Mulligan, his office boy, came sniffing into his presence to ask for the
+afternoon off that he might attend his grandfather's funeral, Wiggins
+deemed it a masterly stroke to answer:
+
+"Why, certainly, Willie. What's more, my boy, if you'll wait for me I'll
+go with you."
+
+"All right, sir," sniffed Willie as he returned to his desk and waited
+patiently.
+
+And, lo and behold, poor little Willie had told the truth, and when he
+and Wiggins started out together the latter not only lost one of the
+best games of the season, but had to attend the obsequies of an old lady
+in whom he had no interest whatever as well.
+
+
+CHIEF CLERK (to office boy)--"Why on earth don't you laugh when the boss
+tells a joke?"
+
+OFFICE BOY--"I don't have to; I quit on Saturday."--_Satire_.
+
+
+James J. Hill, the Railway King, told the following amusing incident
+that happened on one of his roads:
+
+"One of our division superintendents had received numerous complaints
+that freight trains were in the habit of stopping on a grade crossing in
+a certain small town, thereby blocking travel for long periods. He
+issued orders, but still the complaints came in. Finally he decided to
+investigate personally.
+
+"A short man in size and very excitable, he went down to the crossing,
+and, sure enough, there stood, in defiance of his orders, a long freight
+train, anchored squarely across it. A brakeman who didn't know him by
+sight sat complacently on the top of the car.
+
+"'Move that train on!' sputtered the little 'super.' 'Get it off the
+crossing so people can pass. Move on, I say!'
+
+"The brakeman surveyed the tempestuous little man from head to foot.
+'You go to the deuce, you little shrimp,' he replied. 'You're small
+enough to crawl under.'"
+
+
+
+
+ENEMIES
+
+
+An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife sent for a
+near-by preacher to pray with him.
+
+The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally the old
+man said: "What do you want me to do, Parson?"
+
+"Renounce the Devil, renounce the Devil," replied the preacher.
+
+"Well, but, Parson," protested the dying man, "I ain't in position to
+make any enemies."
+
+
+It is better to decide a difference between enemies than friends, for
+one of our friends will certainly become an enemy and one of our enemies
+a friend.--_Bias_.
+
+
+  The world is large when its weary leagues
+    two loving hearts divide;
+  But the world is small when your enemy is
+    loose on the other side.
+
+  --_John Boyle O'Reilly_.
+
+
+
+
+ENGLAND
+
+
+_See_ Great Britain.
+
+
+
+
+ENGLISH LANGUAGE
+
+
+A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: "Please do
+not touch the Lift at your own risk."
+
+
+The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each verb
+considered was used in a model sentence, so that the students would gain
+the benefit of pronouncing the connected series of words, as well as
+learning the varying forms of the verb. This morning it was the verb "to
+have" in the sentence, "I have a gold mine."
+
+Herr Schmitz was called to his feet by Professor Wulff.
+
+"Conjugate 'do haff' in der sentence, 'I haff a golt mine," the
+professor ordered.
+
+"I haff a golt mine, du hast a golt dein, he hass a golt hiss. Ve, you
+or dey haff a golt ours, yours or deirs, as de case may be."
+
+
+Language is the expression of ideas, and if the people of one country
+cannot preserve an identity of ideas, they cannot retain an identity of
+language.--_Noah Webster_.
+
+
+
+
+ENGLISHMEN
+
+
+He who laughs last is an Englishman.--_Princeton Tiger_.
+
+
+Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became the
+center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the comedian a
+cigar, saying that it was a new production.
+
+"With each cigar, you understand," the promoter said, "I will give a
+coupon, and when you have smoked three thousand of them you may bring
+the coupons to me and exchange them for a grand piano."
+
+Nat sniffed the cigar, pinched it gently, and then replied: "If I smoked
+three thousand of these cigars I think I would need a harp instead of a
+grand piano."
+
+There was a burst of laughter in which the Englishman did not join, but
+presently he exploded with merriment. "I see the point" he exclaimed.
+"Being an actor, you have to travel around the country a great deal and
+a harp would be so much more convenient to carry."
+
+
+
+
+ENTHUSIASM
+
+
+Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of Work
+Without Wages," tells a good story against himself. A nature enthusiast,
+he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy woman. He began to
+dilate upon the sublimity of the scenery, in somewhat gushing phrases.
+The woman paid no attention to him. Provoked by her irresponsiveness, he
+said, "You don't seem to care for this magnificent scenery?" She took
+the pipe from her mouth and delivered this settler: "I enjies it; I
+don't jabber."
+
+
+
+
+EPITAPHS
+
+
+LITTLE CLARENCE--"Pa!"
+
+HIS FATHER--"Well, my son?"
+
+LITTLE CLARENCE--"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day and read the
+inscriptions on the tombstones."
+
+HIS FATHER--"And what were your thoughts after you had done so?"
+
+LITTLE CLARENCE--"Why, pa, I wondered where all the wicked people were
+buried."--_Judge_.
+
+
+The widower had just taken his fourth wife and was showing her around
+the village. Among the places visited was the churchyard, and the bride
+paused before a very elaborate tombstone that had been erected by the
+bridegroom. Being a little nearsighted she asked him to read the
+inscription, and in reverent tones he read:
+
+"Here lies Susan, beloved wife of John Smith; also Jane, beloved wife of
+John Smith; also Mary, beloved wife of John Smith--"
+
+He paused abruptly, and the bride, leaning forward to see the bottom
+line, read, to her horror:
+
+"Be Ye Also Ready."
+
+
+A man wished to have something original on his wife's headstone and hit
+upon, "Lord, she was Thine." He had his own ideas of the size of the
+letters and the space between words, and gave instructions to the
+stonemason. The latter carried them out all right, except that he could
+not get in the "E" in Thine.
+
+
+In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt., is a stone, erected by a widow to her
+loving husband, bearing this inscription: "Rest in peace--until we meet
+again."
+
+
+An epitaph in an old Moravian cemetery reads thus:
+
+  Remember, friend, as you pass by,
+  As you are now, so once was I;
+  As I am now thus you must be,
+  So be prepared to follow me.
+
+There had been written underneath in pencil, presumably by some wag:
+
+  To follow you I'm not content
+  Till I find out which way you went.
+
+
+I expected it, but I didn't expect it quite so soon.--_Life_.
+
+
+  After Life's scarlet fever
+  I sleep well.
+
+
+  Here lies the body of Sarah Sexton,
+  Who never did aught to vex one.
+  (Not like the woman under the next stone.)
+
+
+As a general thing, the writer of epitaphs is a monumental liar.--_John
+E. Rosser_.
+
+
+      Maria Brown,
+  Wife of Timothy Brown,
+      aged 80 years.
+  She lived with her husband fifty years, and died
+  in the confident hope of a better life.
+
+
+Here lies the body of Enoch Holden, who died suddenly and unexpectedly
+by being kicked to death by a cow. Well done, good and faithful servant!
+
+
+A bereaved husband feeling his loss very keenly found it desirable to
+divert his mind by traveling abroad. Before his departure, however, he
+left orders for a tombstone with the inscription:
+
+  "The light of my life has gone out."
+
+Travel brought unexpected and speedy relief, and before the time for his
+return he had taken another wife. It was then that he remembered the
+inscription, and thinking it would not be pleasing to his new wife, he
+wrote to the stone-cutter, asking that he exercise his ingenuity in
+adapting it to the new conditions. After his return he took his new wife
+to see the tombstone and found that the inscription had been made to
+read:
+
+  "The light of my life has gone out,
+  But I have struck another match."
+
+
+    Here lies Bernard Lightfoot,
+  Who was accidentally killed in the forty-fifth year
+    of his age.
+  This monument was erected by his grateful family.
+
+
+  I thought it mushroom when I found
+    It in the woods, forsaken;
+  But since I sleep beneath this mound,
+    I must have been mistaken.
+
+
+
+On the tombstone of a Mr. Box appears this inscription:
+    Here lies one Box within another.
+  The one of wood was very good,
+    We cannot say so much for t'other.
+
+
+  Nobles and heralds by your leave,
+    Here lies what once was Matthew Prior;
+  The son of Adam and of Eve;
+    Can Bourbon or Nassau claim higher?
+
+  --_Prior_.
+
+
+  Kind reader! take your choice to cry or laugh;
+  Here Harold lies-but where's his Epitaph?
+  If such you seek, try Westminster, and view
+  Ten thousand, just as fit for him as you.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+I conceive disgust at these impertinent and misbecoming familiarities
+inscribed upon your ordinary tombstone.--_Charles Lamb_.
+
+
+
+
+EPITHETS
+
+
+John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, who
+complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some neighbors.
+Mr. Fiske called the youngster into his study.
+
+"My boy, is it true that you called Mrs. Jones a fool?"
+
+The boy hung his head. "Yes, father." "And did you call Mr. Jones a
+worse fool?"
+
+"Yes, father."
+
+Mr. Fiske frowned and pondered for a minute. Then he said:
+
+"Well, my son, that is just about the distinction I should make."
+
+
+"See that man over there. He is a bombastic mutt, a windjammer
+nonentity, a false alarm, and an encumberer of the earth!"
+
+"Would you mind writing all that down for me?"
+
+"Why in the world--"
+
+"He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him some time."
+
+
+
+
+EQUALITY
+
+
+As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the other
+day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "Clear out
+of the way with that old mud scow!" shouted an officer on the bridge.
+
+A round, sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway. "Are ye the
+captain of that vessel?"
+
+"No," answered the officer.
+
+"Then spake to yer equals. I'm the captain o' this!" came from the
+barge.
+
+
+
+
+ERMINE
+
+
+  Said an envious, erudite ermine:
+  "There's one thing I cannot determine:
+    When a man wears my coat,
+    He's a person of note,
+  While I'm but a species of vermin!"
+
+
+
+
+ESCAPES
+
+
+There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden
+that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills
+that surrounded the skating pond.
+
+A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts
+and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a large
+black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with chattering
+teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water.
+
+The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to the
+edge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said:
+
+"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out."
+
+"No, I can't swim," was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to me. Hurry
+up. It's cold in here."
+
+"I ain't got no rope," said the farmer; and he added angrily. "What if
+you can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up to your
+shoulders."
+
+"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet deep if
+it's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice!"
+
+
+
+
+ETHICS
+
+
+      My ethical state,
+      Were I wealthy and great,
+  Is a subject you wish I'd reply on.
+      Now who can foresee
+      What his morals _might_ be?
+  What would yours be if you were a lion?
+
+  --_Martial; tr. by Paul Nixon_.
+
+
+
+
+ETIQUET
+
+
+A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting
+her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they would
+not do it."
+
+"Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend, settling
+herself comfortably.
+
+"Yes, but one can't thank them, you know, and it is so awkward."
+
+"Can't thank them! Why not?"
+
+"Why, you would not speak to a strange man, would you?" said the Boston
+maiden, to the astonishment of her southern friend.
+
+
+A little girl on the train to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not only that,
+but she insisted on pulling it out in long strings and letting it fall
+back into her mouth again.
+
+"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't do that.
+Chew your gum like a little lady."
+
+
+LITTLE BROTHER--"What's etiquet?"
+
+LITTLE BIGGER BROTHER--"It's saying 'No, thank you,' when you want to
+holler 'Gimme!'"--_Judge_.
+
+
+  A Lady there was of Antigua,
+  Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you are!"
+    He answered, "My queen,
+    Is it manners you mean,
+  Or do you refer to my figure?"
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+They were at dinner and the dainties were on the table.
+
+"Will you take tart or pudding?" asked Papa of Tommy.
+
+"Tart," said Tommy promptly.
+
+His father sighed as he recalled the many lessons on manners he had
+given the boy.
+
+"Tart, what?" he queried kindly.
+
+But Tommy's eyes were glued on the pastry.
+
+"Tart, what?" asked the father again, sharply this time.
+
+"Tart, first," answered Tommy triumphantly.
+
+
+TOMMY'S AUNT--"Won't you have another piece of cake, Tommy?"
+
+TOMMY (on a visit)--"No, I thank you."
+
+TOMMY'S AUNT--"You seem to be suffering from loss of appetite."
+
+TOMMY--"That ain't loss of appetite. What I'm sufferin' from is
+politeness."
+
+
+  There was a young man so benighted,
+  He never knew when he was slighted;
+    He would go to a party,
+    And eat just as hearty,
+  As if he'd been really invited.
+
+
+
+
+EUROPEAN WAR
+
+
+OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool!
+Come back at once!"
+
+TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the trench."--_Punch_.
+
+
+"You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his head up."
+
+"Pride, eh?"
+
+"No, Zeppelin neck."
+
+
+LITTLE GIRL (who has been sitting very still with a seraphic
+expression)--"I wish I was an angel, mother!"
+
+MOTHER--"What makes you say that, darling?"
+
+LITTLE GIRL--"Because then I could drop bombs on the Germans!"--_Punch_.
+
+
+From a sailor's letter to his wife:
+
+    "Dear Jane,--I am sending you a postal order for 10s., which I
+    hope you may get--but you may not--as this letter has to pass
+    the Censor."
+
+--_Punch_.
+
+
+Two country darkies listened, awe-struck, while some planters discussed
+the tremendous range of the new German guns.
+
+"Dar now," exclaimed one negro, when his master had finished expatiating
+on the hideous havoc wrought by a forty-two-centimeter shell, "jes' lak
+I bin tellin' yo' niggehs all de time! Don' le's have no guns lak dem
+roun' heah! Why, us niggehs could start runnin' erway, run all day, git
+almos' home free, an' den git kilt jus' befo' suppeh!"
+
+"Dat's de trufe," assented his companion, "an' lemme tell yo' sumpin'
+else, Bo. All dem guns needs is jus' yo' _ad_-dress, dat's all; jes'
+giv' em de _ad_-dress an' they'll git yo'."
+
+
+_See also_ War.
+
+
+
+
+EVIDENCE
+
+
+From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, a
+policeman had managed to extract two prisoners.
+
+"What is the charge against these young men?" asked the magistrate
+before whom they were arraigned.
+
+"Disturbin' the peace, yer honor," said the policeman. "They were givin'
+their college yells in the street an' makin' trouble generally."
+
+"What is your name?" the judge asked one of the prisoners.
+
+"Ro-ro-robert Ro-ro-rollins," stuttered the youth.
+
+"I asked for your name, sir, not the evidence."
+
+
+  Maud Muller, on a summer night,
+  Turned down the only parlor light.
+
+  The judge, beside her, whispered things
+  Of wedding bells and diamond rings.
+
+  He spoke his love in burning phrase,
+  And acted foolish forty ways.
+
+  When he had gone Maud gave a laugh
+  And then turned off the dictagraph.
+
+--_Milwaukee Sentinel_.
+
+
+One day a hostess asked a well known Parisian judge: "Your Honor, which
+do you prefer, Burgundy or Bordeaux?"
+
+"Madame, that is a case in which I have so much pleasure in taking the
+evidence that I always postpone judgment," was the wily jurist's reply.
+
+_See also_ Courts; Witnesses.
+
+
+
+
+EXAMINATIONS
+
+
+An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred
+history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was not, for God
+took him." So many times was this repeated in connection with the death
+of Enoch that he thought even the dullest pupil would answer correctly
+when asked in examination: State in the exact language of the Bible what
+is said of Enoch's death.
+
+But this was the answer he got:
+
+"Enoch was not what God took him for."
+
+
+A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of some
+amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in English.
+The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of the
+indicative, the subjunctive, the potential and the exclamatory moods.
+His efforts resulted as follows:
+
+"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer twenty
+questions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may pass. God
+help me!"
+
+
+The following selection of mistakes in examinations may convince almost
+any one that there are some peaks of ignorance which he has yet to
+climb:
+
+Magna Charta said that the King had no right to bring soldiers into a
+lady's house and tell her to mind them.
+
+Panama is a town of Colombo, where they are trying to make an isthmus.
+
+The three highest mountains in Scotland are Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond and
+Ben Jonson.
+
+Wolsey saved his life by dying on the way from York to London.
+
+Bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters.
+
+"Those melodious bursts that fill the spacious days of great Elizabeth"
+refers to the songs that Queen Elizabeth used to write in her spare
+time.
+
+Tennyson wrote a poem called Grave's Energy.
+
+The Rump Parliament consisted entirely of Cromwell's stalactites.
+
+The plural of spouse is spice.
+
+Queen Elizabeth rode a white horse from Kenilworth through Coventry with
+nothing on, and Raleigh offered her his cloak.
+
+The law allowing only one wife is called monotony.
+
+When England was placed under an Interdict the Pope stopped all births,
+marriages and deaths for a year.
+
+The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
+
+The gods of the Indians are chiefly Mahommed and Buddha, and in their
+spare time they do lots of carving.
+
+Every one needs a holiday from one year's end to another.
+
+The Seven Great Powers of Europe are gravity, electricity, steam, gas,
+fly-wheels, and motors, and Mr. Lloyd George.
+
+The hydra was married to Henry VIII. When he cut off her head another
+sprung up.
+
+Liberty of conscience means doing wrong and not worrying about it
+afterward.
+
+The Habeas Corpus act was that no one need stay in prison longer than he
+liked.
+
+Becket put on a camel-air shirt and his life at once became dangerous.
+
+The two races living in the north of Europe are Esquimaux and
+Archangels.
+
+Skeleton is what you have left when you take a man's insides out and his
+outsides off.
+
+Ellipsis is when you forget to kiss.
+
+A bishop without a diocese is called a suffragette.
+
+Artificial perspiration is the way to make a person alive when they are
+only just dead.
+
+A night watchman is a man employed to sleep in the open air.
+
+The tides are caused by the sun drawing the water out and the moon
+drawing it in again.
+
+The liver is an infernal organ of the body.
+
+A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
+
+Triangles are of three kinds, the equilateral or three-sided, the
+quadrilateral or four-sided, and the multilateral or polyglot.
+
+General Braddock was killed in the Revolutionary War. He had three
+horses shot under him and a fourth went through his clothes.
+
+A buttress is the wife of a butler.
+
+The young Pretender was so called because it was pretended that he was
+born in a frying-pan.
+
+A verb is a word which is used in order to make an exertion.
+
+A Passive Verb is when the subject is the sufferer, e.g., I am loved.
+
+Lord Raleigh was the first man to see the invisible Armada.
+
+A schoolmaster is called a pedigree.
+
+The South of the U. S. A. grows oranges, figs, melons and a great
+quantity of preserved fruits, especially tinned meats.
+
+The wife of a Prime Minister is called a Primate.
+
+The Greeks were too thickly populated to be comfortable.
+
+The American war was started because the people would persist in sending
+their parcels thru the post without stamps.
+
+Prince William was drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine; he never laughed
+again.
+
+The heart is located on the west side of the body.
+
+Richard II is said to have been murdered by some historians; his real
+fate is uncertain.
+
+Subjects have a right to partition the king.
+
+A kaiser is a stream of hot water springin' up an' distubin' the earth.
+
+He had nothing left to live for but to die.
+
+Franklin's education was got by himself. He worked himself up to be a
+great literal man. He was also able to invent electricity. Franklin's
+father was a tallow chandelier.
+
+Monastery is the place for monsters.
+
+Sir Walter Raleigh was put out once when his servant found him with fire
+in his head. And one day after there had been a lot of rain, he threw
+his cloak in a puddle and the queen stepped dryly over.
+
+The Greeks planted colonists for their food supplies.
+
+Nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog's tail
+will kill a man.
+
+A mosquito is the child of black and white parents.
+
+An author is a queer animal because his tales (tails) come from his
+head.
+
+Wind is air in a hurry.
+
+The people that come to America found Indians, but no people.
+
+Shadows are rays of darkness.
+
+Lincoln wrote the address while riding from Washington to Gettysburg on
+an envelope.
+
+Queen Elizabeth was tall and thin, but she was a stout protestant.
+
+An equinox is a man who lives near the north pole.
+
+An abstract noun is something we can think of but cannot feel--as a red
+hot poker.
+
+The population of New England is too dry for farming.
+
+Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, the
+chist, and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if any.
+The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The stummick is
+devoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, o, u, and
+sometimes w and y.
+
+Filigree means a list of your descendants.
+
+"The Complete Angler" was written by Euclid because he knew all about
+angles.
+
+The imperfect tense in French is used to express a future action in past
+time which does not take place at all.
+
+Arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones; It gets into your hair even
+with your mouth shut.
+
+The modern name for Gaul is vinegar.
+
+Some of the West India Islands are subject to torpedoes.
+
+The Crusaders were a wild and savage people until Peter the Hermit
+preached to them.
+
+On the low coast plains of Mexico yellow fever is very popular.
+
+Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution.
+
+Gender shows whether a man is masculine, feminine, or neuter.
+
+An angle is a triangle with only two sides.
+
+Geometry teaches us how to bisex angels.
+
+Gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly away.
+
+A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope lives.
+
+A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian.
+
+Vapor is dried water.
+
+The Salic law is that you must take everything with a grain of salt.
+
+The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky, where lions, goats and other animals
+go after they are dead.
+
+The Pharisees were people who like to show off their goodness by praying
+in synonyms.
+
+An abstract noun is something you can't see when you are looking at it.
+
+
+
+
+EXCUSES
+
+
+The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the
+following week without their application blanks properly filled out as
+to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of birth. On Monday
+morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "What
+is the trouble?" Miss Green inquired, seeking to comfort her. "Oh,"
+sobbed the little girl, "I forgot my excuse for being born."
+
+
+O. Henry always retained the whimsical sense of humor which made him
+quickly famous. Shortly before his death he called on the cashier of a
+New York publishing house, after vainly writing several times for a
+check which had been promised as an advance on his royalties.
+
+"I'm sorry," explained the cashier, "but Mr. Blank, who signs the
+checks, is laid up with a sprained ankle."
+
+"But, my dear sir," expostulated the author, "does he sign them with his
+feet?"
+
+
+Strolling along the boardwalk at Atlantic City, Mr. Mulligan, the
+wealthy retired contractor, dropped a quarter through a crack in the
+planking. A friend came along a minute later and found him squatted
+down, industriously poking a two dollar bill through the treacherous
+cranny with his forefinger.
+
+"Mulligan, what the divvil ar-re ye doin'?" inquired the friend.
+
+"Sh-h," said Mr. Mulligan, "I'm tryin' to make it wort' me while to tear
+up this board."
+
+
+A captain, inspecting his company one morning, came to an Irishman who
+evidently had not shaved for several days.
+
+"Doyle," he asked, "how is it that you haven't shaved this morning?"
+
+"But Oi did, sor."
+
+"How dare you tell me that with the beard you have on your face?"
+
+"Well, ye see, sor," stammered Doyle, "there wus nine of us to one small
+bit uv a lookin'-glass, an' it must be thot in th' gineral confusion Oi
+shaved some other man's face."
+
+
+"Is that you, dear?" said a young husband over the telephone. "I just
+called up to say that I'm afraid I won't be able to get home to dinner
+to-night, as I am detained at the office."
+
+"You poor dear," answered the wife sympathetically. "I don't wonder. I
+don't see how you manage to get anything done at all with that orchestra
+playing in your office. Good-by."
+
+
+"What is the matter, dearest?" asked the mother of a small girl who had
+been discovered crying in the hall.
+
+"Somfing awful's happened, Mother."
+
+"Well, what is it, sweetheart?"
+
+"My d'doll-baby got away from me and broked a plate in the pantry."
+
+
+A poor casual laborer, working on a scaffolding, fell five stories to
+the ground. As his horrified mates rushed down pell-mell to his aid, he
+picked himself up, uninjured, from a great, soft pile of sand.
+
+"Say, fellers," he murmured anxiously, "is the boss mad? Tell him I had
+to come down anyway for a ball of twine."
+
+
+Cephas is a darky come up from Maryland to a border town in
+Pennsylvania, where he has established himself as a handy man to do odd
+jobs. He is a good worker, and sober, but there are certain proclivities
+of his which necessitate a pretty close watch on him. Not long ago he
+was caught with a chicken under his coat, and was haled to court to
+explain its presence there.
+
+"Now, Cephas," said the judge very kindly, "you have got into a new
+place, and you ought to have new habits. We have been good to you and
+helped you, and while we like you as a sober and industrious worker,
+this other business cannot be tolerated. Why did you take Mrs. Gilkie's
+chicken?"
+
+Cephas was stumped, and he stood before the majesty of the law, rubbing
+his head and looking ashamed of himself. Finally he answered:
+
+"Deed, I dunno, Jedge," he explained, "ceptin' 't is dat chickens is
+chickens and niggers is niggers."
+
+
+GRANDMA--"Johnny, I have discovered that you have taken more maple-sugar
+than I gave you."
+
+JOHNNY--"Yes, Grandma, I've been making believe there was another little
+boy spending the day with me."
+
+
+Mr. X was a prominent member of the B.P.O.E. At the breakfast table the
+other morning he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred at
+the lodge the previous night. The president of the order offered a silk
+hat to the brother who could stand up and truthfully say that during his
+married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife. "And, would
+you believe it, Mary?--not a one stood up." "George," his wife said,
+"why didn't you stand up?" "Well," he replied, "I was going to, but I
+know I look like hell in a silk hat."
+
+
+  And oftentimes excusing of a fault
+  Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse,
+  As patches set upon a little breach,
+  Discredit more in hiding of the fault
+  Than did the fault before it was so patched.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+EXPOSURE
+
+
+TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure."
+
+WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_.
+
+
+
+
+EXTORTION
+
+
+_See_ Dressmakers.
+
+
+
+
+EXTRAVAGANCE
+
+  There was a young girl named O'Neill,
+  Who went up in the great Ferris wheel;
+    But when half way around
+    She looked at the ground,
+  And it cost her an eighty-cent meal.
+
+
+Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in town, but
+nobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry Susan Rankin,
+seeing that he had known her for years. For awhile they got along fairly
+well but one day after five years of it John hung himself in the attic,
+where Susan used to dry the wash on rainy days, and a carpenter, who
+went up to the roof to do some repairs, found him there. He told Susan,
+and Susan hurried up to see about it, and, sure enough, the carpenter
+was right. She stood looking at her late husband for about a
+minute--kind of dazed, the carpenter thought--then she spoke.
+
+"Well, I declare!" she exclaimed. "If he hasn't used my new
+clothes-line, and the old would have done every bit as well! But, of
+course, that's just like John Polkinhorn."
+
+
+"The editor of my paper," declared the newspaper business manager to a
+little coterie of friends, "is a peculiar genius. Why, would you believe
+it, when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out only one dollar for
+spending money and sends the rest to his wife in Indianapolis!"
+
+His listeners--with one exception, who sat silent and reflective--gave
+vent to loud murmurs of wonder and admiration.
+
+"Now, it may sound thin," added the speaker, "but it is true,
+nevertheless."
+
+"Oh, I don't doubt it at all!" quickly rejoined the quiet one; "I was
+only wondering what he does with the dollar!"
+
+
+An Irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning after
+pay day. When his leave expired he didn't appear. He was brought at last
+before the commandant for sentence, and the following dialogue is
+recorded:
+
+"Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe engagement."
+
+"Yes, sur."
+
+"Have you any money left?"
+
+"No, sur."
+
+"You had $35 when you left the fort, didn't you?"
+
+"Yes, sur."
+
+"What did you do with it?"
+
+"Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went into a
+place and spint $8. Thin we came out and I met another friend and we
+spint $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another friend and we
+spint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends,
+and I spint $8 more--and thin I come home."
+
+"But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the other $3?"
+Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and said:
+
+"I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have squandered that money
+foolishly."
+
+
+
+
+FAILURES
+
+
+Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true,
+father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?"
+
+His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey," he
+finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as good as a
+failure."
+
+
+
+
+FAITH
+
+
+Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and
+garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.--_Country Life
+in America_.
+
+
+"What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher.
+
+"Pa says," answers Johnny, "that it's readin' in the papers that the
+price o' things has come down, an expectin' to find it true when the
+bills comes in."
+
+
+Faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn't going to hurt.
+
+
+"As I understand it, Doctor, if I believe I'm well, I'll be well. Is
+that the idea?"
+
+"It is."
+
+"Then, if you believe you are paid, I suppose you'll be paid."
+
+"Not necessarily."
+
+"But why shouldn't faith work as well in one case as in the other?"
+
+"Why, you see, there is considerable difference between having faith in
+Providence and having faith in you."--_Horace Zimmerman_.
+
+
+Mother had been having considerable argument with her infant daughter as
+to whether the latter was going to be left alone in a dark room to go to
+sleep. As a clincher, the mother said: "There is no reason at all why
+you should be afraid. Remember that God is here all the time, and,
+besides, you have your dolly. Now go to sleep like a good little girl."
+Twenty minutes later a wail came from upstairs, and mother went to the
+foot of the stairs to pacify her daughter. "Don't cry," she said;
+"remember what I told you--God is there with you and you have your
+dolly." "But I don't want them," wailed the baby; "I want you, muvver; I
+want somebody here that has got a skin face on them."
+
+
+  Faith is a fine invention
+    For gentlemen who see;
+  But Microscopes are prudent
+    In an emergency.
+
+  --_Emily Dickinson_.
+
+
+
+
+FAITHFULNESS
+
+
+A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first
+they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a
+trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually increased the
+size of his load until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-pound
+anvil under each arm. When he was half-way across the gangplank it broke
+and the Irishman fell in. With a great splashing and spluttering he came
+to the surface.
+
+"T'row me a rope, I say!" he shouted again. Once more he sank. A third
+time he rose struggling.
+
+"Say!" he spluttered angrily, "if one uv you shpalpeens don't hurry up
+an' t'row me a rope I'm goin' to drop one uv these damn t'ings!"
+
+
+
+
+FAME
+
+
+Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on
+the part of people who are not thinking of you.
+
+
+Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to
+meet an editor who was hard up for material.
+
+
+Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of obtaining
+it, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be sufficient to
+deter a man from so vain a pursuit.--_Addison_.
+
+
+
+
+FAMILIES
+
+
+"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great
+Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am
+English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails."
+
+
+Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had been absent from her duties
+for several days. Upon her return her employer asked her the reason for
+her absence.
+
+"Sure, I've been carin' for wan of me sick children," she replied.
+
+"And how many children have you, Mrs. O'Flarity?" he asked.
+
+"Siven in all," she replied. "Four by the third wife of me second
+husband; three by the second wife of me furst."
+
+
+A man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making his way
+to the street-car, followed by his wife and fourteen children, when a
+policeman touched him on the shoulder and said:
+
+"Come along wid me."
+
+"What for?"
+
+"Blamed if I know; but when ye're locked up I'll go back and find out
+why that crowd was following ye."
+
+
+
+
+FAREWELLS
+
+
+  Happy are we met, Happy have we been,
+  Happy may we part, and Happy meet again.
+
+
+A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter
+off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went
+around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he was
+leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, and
+at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the
+window.
+
+Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to the
+window and said: "One more kiss, pet."
+
+In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the
+window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headed
+wretch!"
+
+
+"I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall be the
+play? Hamlet? Macbeth?"
+
+"This is your sixth farewell tour, I believe."
+
+"Well, yes."
+
+"I would suggest 'Much Adieu About Nothing'."
+
+
+  "Farewell!"
+  For in that word--that fatal word--howe'er
+  We promise--hope--believe--there breathes despair.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+
+
+FASHION
+
+
+There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are
+comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_.
+
+
+There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long
+discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said her
+prayers, she added a new petition, uttered with unwonted fervency:
+
+"And, dear Lord, please make us all very stylish."
+
+
+  Nothing is thought rare
+  Which is not new, and follow'd; yet we know
+  That what was worn some twenty years ago
+  Comes into grace again.
+
+  --_Beaumont and Fletcher_.
+
+
+As good be out of the World as out of the Fashion.--_Colley Cibber_.
+
+
+
+
+FATE
+
+
+  Fate hit me very hard one day.
+  I cried: "What is my fault?
+  What have I done? What causes, pray,
+  This unprovoked assault?"
+  She paused, then said: "Darned if I know;
+  I really can't explain."
+  Then just before she turned to go
+  She whacked me once again!
+
+  --_La Touche Hancock_.
+
+
+  So in the Libyan fable it is told
+  That once an eagle stricken with a dart,
+  Said, when he saw the fashion of the shaft,
+  "With our own feathers, not by others' hands,
+  Are we now smitten."
+
+  --_Aeschylus_.
+
+
+
+
+FATHERS
+
+
+A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing
+his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history.
+Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it
+represented. Baby answered "Coty."
+
+Pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way, she answered "Kitty."
+Then a lion, and she answered "Doggy." Elated with her seeming quick
+perception, he then turned to the picture of a Chimpanzee and said:
+
+"Baby, what is this?"
+
+"Papa."
+
+
+
+
+FAULTS
+
+
+  Women's faults are many,
+    Men have only two--
+  Everything they say,
+    And everything they do.
+
+  --_Le Crabbe_.
+
+
+
+
+FEES
+
+
+_See_ Tips.
+
+
+
+
+FEET
+
+
+BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?"
+
+LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?"
+
+
+
+
+FIGHTING
+
+
+"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?"
+
+"Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_.
+
+
+"There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is
+torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. "How
+many times have I told you not to play with that bad Jenkins boy?"
+
+"Now, look here, Mother," said Bobby, "do I look as if we'd been
+playing?"
+
+
+Two of the leading attorneys of Memphis, who had been warm friends for
+years, happened to be opposing counsel in a case some time ago. The
+older of the two was a man of magnificent physique, almost six feet
+four, and built in proportion, while the younger was barely five feet
+and weighed not more than ninety pounds.
+
+In the course of his argument the big man unwittingly made some remark
+that aroused the ire of his small adversary. A moment later he felt a
+great pulling and tugging at his coat tails. Looking down, he was
+greatly astonished to see his opponent wildly gesticulating and dancing
+around him.
+
+"What on earth are you trying to do there, Dudley?" he asked.
+
+"By Gawd, suh, I'm fightin', suh!"
+
+
+An Irishman boasted that he could lick any man in Boston, yes,
+Massachusetts, and finally he added New England. When he came to, he
+said: "I tried to cover too much territory."
+
+
+"Dose Irish make me sick, alvays talking about vat gread fighders dey
+are," said a Teutonic resident of Hoboken, with great contempt. "Vhy, at
+Minna's vedding der odder night dot drunken Mike O'Hooligan butted in,
+und me und mein bruder, und mein cousin Fritz und mein frient Louie
+Hartmann--vhy, we pretty near kicked him oudt of der house!"
+
+
+VILLAGE GROCER--"What are you running for, sonny?"
+
+BOY--"I'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'."
+
+VILLAGE GROCER--"Who are the fellows?"
+
+BOY--"Bill Perkins and me!"--_Puck_.
+
+
+An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the
+outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness in
+court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the
+witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon
+verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She
+insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency
+finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.
+
+"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowed
+about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked
+him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom with a
+knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friend
+of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or four
+others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some
+excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'."
+
+
+"Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that black
+eye?" asked the magistrate.
+
+"Sure, your honor, he wasn't a physical wreck till after he gave me the
+black eye," replied the complaining wife.--_London Telegraph_.
+
+
+A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiled
+live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minus
+one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly kicked. The waiter said it
+was unavoidable--there had been a fight in the kitchen between two
+lobsters. The other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobster
+and had eaten it. The young man pushed the lobster over toward the
+waiter. "Take it away," he said wearily, "and bring me the winner."
+
+
+There never was a good war or a bad peace.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
+
+
+The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the right
+place.--_John C. Snaith_.
+
+
+
+
+FINANCE
+
+
+  Willie had a savings bank;
+  'Twas made of painted tin.
+  He passed it 'round among the boys,
+  Who put their pennies in.
+
+  Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought
+  Sweetmeats and chewing gum.
+  And to the other envious lads
+  He never offered some.
+
+  "What will we do?" his mother said:
+  "It is a sad mischance."
+  His father said: "We'll cultivate
+  His gift for high finance."
+
+  --_Washington Star_.
+
+
+HICKS--"I've got to borrow $200 somewhere."
+
+WICKS--"Take my advice and borrow $300 while you are about it."
+
+"But I only need $200."
+
+"That doesn't make any difference. Borrow $300 and pay back $100 of it
+in two installments at intervals of a month or so. Then the man that you
+borrow from will think he is going to get the rest of it."
+
+
+It is said J. P. Morgan could raise $10,000,000 on his check any minute;
+but the man who is raising a large family on $9 a week is a greater
+financier than Morgan.
+
+
+To modernize an old prophecy, "out of the mouths of babes shall come
+much worldly wisdom." Mr. K. has two boys whom he dearly loves. One day
+he gave each a dollar to spend. After much bargaining, they brought home
+a wonderful four-wheeled steamboat and a beautiful train of cars. For
+awhile the transportation business flourished, and all was well, but one
+day Craig explained to his father that while business had been good, he
+could do much better if he only had the capital to buy a train of cars
+like Joe's. His arguments must have been good, for the money was
+forthcoming. Soon after, little Toe, with probably less logic but more
+loving, became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like Craig's.
+But Mr. K., who had furnished the additional capital, looked in vain for
+the improved service. The new rolling stock was not in evidence, and
+explanations were vague and unsatisfactory, as is often the case in the
+railroad game at which men play. It took a stern court of inquiry to
+develop the fact that the railroad and steamship had simply changed
+hands--and at a mutual profit of one hundred per cent. And Mr. K., as he
+told his neighbor, said it was worth that much to know that his boys
+would not need much of a legacy from him.--_P.A. Kershaw_.
+
+
+An old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a close
+bargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood for the
+small sum of twelve dollars.
+
+"Why on earth did you agree to do it for so little?" his brother
+inquired.
+
+"Well," said the old painter, "you see, the owner is a mighty unreliable
+man. If I'd said I'd charge him twenty-five dollars, likely he'd have
+only paid me nineteen. And if I charge him twelve dollars, he may not
+pay me but nine. So I thought it over, and decided to paint it for
+twelve dollars, so I wouldn't lose so much."
+
+
+
+
+FINGER-BOWLS
+
+
+MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've
+had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked
+for have them on the table?"
+
+BRIDGET--"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they
+came."
+
+
+
+
+FIRE DEPARTMENTS
+
+
+Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines.
+
+Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a
+ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out!
+The fire department's coming."
+
+Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage wagon
+and engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street again and drove
+on. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder came tearing along.
+The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the farmer's buggy, smashing
+it to smithereens and sending the farmer sprawling into the gutter. The
+policeman ran to his assistance.
+
+"Didn't I tell ye to keep out of the way?" he demanded crossly. "Didn't
+I tell ye the fire department was comin"?"
+
+"Wall, consarn ye," said the peeved farmer, "I _did_ git outer the way
+for th' fire department. But what in tarnation was them drunken painters
+in sech an all-fired hurry fer?"
+
+
+Two Irishmen fresh from Ireland had just landed in New York and engaged
+a room in the top story of a hotel. Mike, being very sleepy, threw
+himself on the bed and was soon fast asleep. The sights were so new and
+strange to Pat that he sat at the window looking out. Soon an alarm of
+fire was rung in and a fire-engine rushed by throwing up sparks of fire
+and clouds of smoke. This greatly excited Pat, who called to his comrade
+to get up and come to the window, but Mike was fast asleep. Another
+engine soon followed the first, spouting smoke and fire like the former.
+This was too much for poor Pat, who rushed excitedly to the bedside, and
+shaking his friend called loudly:
+
+"Mike, Mike, wake up! They are moving Hell, and two loads have gone by
+already."
+
+
+
+
+FIRE ESCAPES
+
+
+Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected
+after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law.
+
+
+
+
+FIRES
+
+
+"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday."
+
+"Sh! Next Thursday."
+
+
+
+
+FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
+
+
+The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the
+family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so please
+come at once."
+
+"I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor.
+
+"Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wife has a book on 'What to Do Before
+the Doctor Comes,' and I'm so afraid she'll do it before you get here!"
+
+
+NURSE GIRL--"Oh, ma'am, what shall I do? The twins have fallen down the
+well!"
+
+FOND PARENT--"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the library and get
+the last number of _The Modern Mother's Magazine_; it contains an
+article on 'How to Bring Up Children.'"
+
+
+SURGEON AT NEW YORK HOSPITAL--"What brought you to this dreadful
+condition? Were you run over by a street-car?"
+
+PATIENT--"No, sir; I fainted, and was brought to by a member of the
+Society of First Aid to the Injured."--_Life_.
+
+
+A prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a colored
+woman formerly in the service of his wife. In great agitation the woman
+advised the physician that her youngest child was in a bad way.
+
+"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor.
+
+"Doc, she done swallered a bottle of ink!"
+
+"I'll be over there in a short while to see her," said the doctor. "Have
+you done anything for her?"
+
+"I done give her three pieces o' blottin'-paper, Doc," said the colored
+woman doubtfully.
+
+
+
+
+FISH
+
+
+A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen
+fried oysters."
+
+"Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah,
+'ceptin' eggs."
+
+
+Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and the
+mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said:
+
+"These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the larger
+fish."
+
+Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked:
+
+"But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?"
+
+
+
+
+FISHERMEN
+
+
+At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be
+found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always
+used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the
+cellar, and the child was found to weigh twenty-five pounds.
+
+
+"Doin' any good?" asked the curious individual on the bridge.
+
+"Any good?" answered the fisherman, in the creek below. "Why I caught
+forty bass out o' here yesterday."
+
+"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the man on the bridge.
+
+The fisherman replied that he did not.
+
+"Well, I am the county fish and game warden."
+
+The angler, after a moment's thought, exclaimed, "Say, do you know who I
+am?"
+
+"No," the officer replied.
+
+"Well, I'm the biggest liar in eastern Indiana," said the crafty angler,
+with a grin.
+
+
+A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father
+informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all
+he loved Venice.
+
+"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand
+that your father would like Venice, with its gondolas, and St. Markses
+and Michelangelos."
+
+"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it
+because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."
+
+
+Smith the other day went fishing. He caught nothing, so on his way back
+home he telephoned to his provision dealer to send a dozen of bass
+around to his house.
+
+He got home late himself. His wife said to him on his arrival:
+
+"Well, what luck?"
+
+"Why, splendid luck, of course," he replied. "Didn't the boy bring that
+dozen bass I gave him?"
+
+Mrs. Smith started. Then she smiled.
+
+"Well, yes, I suppose he did," she said. "There they are."
+
+And she showed poor Smith a dozen bottles of Bass's ale.
+
+
+"You'll be a man like one of us some day," said the patronizing
+sportsman to a lad who was throwing his line into the same stream.
+
+"Yes, sir," he answered, "I s'pose I will some day, but I b'lieve I'd
+rather stay small and ketch a few fish."
+
+
+The more worthless a man, the more fish he can catch.
+
+
+As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an angler.--_Izaak
+Walton_.
+
+
+
+
+FISHING
+
+
+A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake
+in Colorado which he had in contemplation.
+
+"Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend.
+
+"Thousands of 'em," replied Mr. Wharry.
+
+"Will they bite easily?" asked another friend.
+
+"Will they?" said Mr. Wharry. "Why they're absolutely vicious. A man has
+to hide behind a tree to bait a hook."
+
+
+"I got a bite--I got a bite!" sang out a tiny girl member of a fishing
+party. But when an older brother hurriedly drew in the line there was
+only a bare hook. "Where's the fish?" he asked. "He unbit and div," said
+the child.
+
+
+The late Justice Brewer was with a party of New York friends on a
+fishing trip in the Adirondacks, and around the camp fire one evening
+the talk naturally ran on big fish. When it came his turn the jurist
+began, uncertain as to how he was going to come out:
+
+"We were fishing one time on the Grand Banks for--er--for--"
+
+"Whales," somebody suggested.
+
+"No," said the Justice, "we were baiting with whales."
+
+
+"Lo, Jim! Fishin'?"
+
+"Naw; drowning worms."
+
+
+We may say of angling as Dr. Boteler said of strawberries: "Doubtless
+God could have made a better berry, but doubtless God never did"; and so
+(if I might be judge), God never did make a more calm, quiet, innocent
+recreation than angling.--_Izaak Walton_.
+
+
+
+
+FLATS
+
+
+"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?"
+
+"Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy a
+folding toothbrush?"
+
+
+She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she took
+refuge in a flood of tears.
+
+"Before we were married you said you'd lay down your life for me," she
+sobbed.
+
+"I know it," he returned solemnly; "but this confounded flat is so tiny
+that there's no place to lay anything down."
+
+
+
+
+FLATTERY
+
+
+With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell.
+"The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever."
+
+"But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded.
+
+She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, hurriedly.
+
+
+MAGISTRATE (about to commit for trial)--"You certainly effected the
+robbery in a remarkably ingenious way; in fact, with quite exceptional
+cunning."
+
+PRISONER--"Now, yer honor, no flattery, please; no flattery, I begs
+yer."
+
+
+OLD MAID--"But why should a great strong man like you be found begging?"
+
+WAYFARER--"Dear lady, it is the only profession I know in which a
+gentleman can address a beautiful woman without an introduction."
+
+
+William ---- was said to be the ugliest, though the most lovable, man in
+Louisiana. On returning to the plantation after a short absence, his
+brother said:
+
+"Willie, I met in New Orleans a Mrs. Forrester who is a great admirer of
+yours. She said, though, that it wasn't so much the brillancy of your
+mental attainments as your marvelous physical and facial beauty which
+charmed and delighted her."
+
+"Edmund," cried William earnestly, "that is a wicked lie, but tell it to
+me again!"
+
+
+"You seem to be an able-bodied man. You ought to be strong enough to
+work."
+
+"I know, mum. And you seem to be beautiful enough to go on the stage,
+but evidently you prefer the simple life."
+
+After that speech he got a square meal and no reference to the woodpile.
+
+
+      O, that men's ears should be
+  To counsel deaf, but not to flattery!
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+FLIES
+
+
+_See_ Pure food.
+
+
+
+
+FLIRTATION
+
+
+It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is
+attention without intention.
+
+
+"There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle."
+
+"Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in for a
+wedding or a breach of promise suit."
+
+
+A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticed
+a striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy and little
+Mary, two of her pupils.
+
+Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn't disposed to prosecute
+his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that unless he
+stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be promoted.
+
+"You must study harder," she told him, "or you won't pass. How would you
+like to stay back in this class another year and have little Mary go
+ahead of you?"
+
+"Ah," said Tommy. "I guess there'll be other little Marys."
+
+
+
+
+FLOWERS
+
+
+Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I know
+why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the dirt."
+
+
+
+
+FOOD
+
+
+A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece
+of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not understanding and yet
+unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, brought the customer a piece
+of chocolate cake.
+
+"No, no, my friend," said the smiling man. "I meant _George_ Washington,
+not _Booker_ Washington."
+
+
+One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the "pillars"
+of the church to which they both belonged. As he thought of her long and
+useful life, and looked upon her sweet, placid countenance bearing but
+few tokens of her ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage, he was moved
+to ask her, "My dear Mrs. S., what has been the chief source of your
+strength and sustenance during all these years? What has appealed to you
+as the real basis of your unusual vigor of mind and body, and has been
+to you an unfailing comfort through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I may
+pass the secret on to others, and, if possible, profit by it myself."
+
+The old lady thought a moment, then lifting her eyes, dim with age, yet
+kindling with sweet memories of the past, answered briefly,
+"Victuals."--_Sarah L. Tenney_.
+
+
+A girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food wrote to
+the editor:
+
+_Dear Sir_: Seeing as you say how fish is good for the brains, what kind
+of fish shall I eat?
+
+To this the editor replied:
+
+_Dear Miss_: Judging from the composition of your letter I should advise
+you to eat a whale.
+
+
+A hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch restaurant
+and ordered a chicken pie. When it arrived he raised the lid and sat
+gazing at the contents intently for a while. Finally he called the
+waiter.
+
+"Look here, Sam," he said, "what did I order?"
+
+"Chicken pie, sah."
+
+"And what have you brought me?"
+
+"Chicken pie, sah."
+
+"Chicken pie, you black rascal!" the customer replied. "Chicken pie?
+Why, there's not a piece of chicken in it, and never was."
+
+"Dat's right, boss--dey ain't no chicken in it."
+
+"Then why do you call it chicken pie? I never heard of such a thing."
+
+"Dat's all right, boss. Dey don't have to be no chicken in a chicken
+pie. Dey ain't no dog in a dog biscuit, is dey?"
+
+
+_See also_ Dining.
+
+
+
+
+FOOTBALL
+
+
+His SISTER--"His nose seems broken."
+
+His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth."
+
+His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+FORDS
+
+
+A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a
+Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his position, then
+sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?"
+
+
+A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road and
+gazing upward, asked him if he were watching the birds.
+
+"No," he answered, "I was cranking my Ford car and my hand slipped off
+and the thing got away and went straight up in the air."
+
+
+
+
+FORECASTING
+
+
+A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid.
+
+"Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air.
+
+"Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks frum
+Wednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in her mistress's face, she
+added hastily--"I want to go to my finance's fun'ral."
+
+"Goodness me," answered the lady--"Your finance's funeral! Why, you
+don't know that he's even going to die, let alone the date of his
+funeral. That is something we can't any of us be sure about--when we are
+going to die."
+
+"Yes'm," said the girl doubtfully. Then, with a triumphant note in her
+voice--"I'se sure about him, Mis', 'cos he's goin' to be hung!"
+
+
+
+
+FORESIGHT
+
+
+"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosom
+friend Ann said.
+
+"Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin'
+the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine, and the
+Magistrate said that if I come afore 'im ag'in, or laid me 'ands on the
+old man, he'd fine me forty shillin's!"
+
+"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?"
+
+"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!"
+
+
+"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a thousand
+dollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die."
+
+"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?"
+
+"Lots," said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place."
+
+
+  There once was a pious young priest,
+  Who lived almost wholly on yeast;
+    "For," he said, "it is plain
+    We must all rise again,
+  And I want to get started, at least."
+
+
+
+
+FORGETFULNESS
+
+
+_See_ Memory.
+
+
+
+
+FORTUNE HUNTERS
+
+
+HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you
+fixed the day of the wedding?"
+
+SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancée."
+
+H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"
+
+S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir."
+
+H.F.--"What have you to live on?"
+
+S.--"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."
+
+
+The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his
+government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great
+Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without
+result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to
+work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.
+
+"I've found the lady, sir."
+
+"Good! Where is she?"
+
+"At my place. I married her yesterday."
+
+
+"I would die for you," said the rich suitor.
+
+"How soon?" asked the practical girl.
+
+
+HE--"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."
+
+SHE--"Why?"
+
+"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance."
+
+"Is she looking for one?"--_Life_.
+
+
+MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his
+deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love
+a girl like that?"
+
+JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"
+
+
+"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls,
+and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a
+little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is
+Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her
+$1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five
+again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is
+forty, will have $5,000 with her."
+
+The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You haven't one
+about fifty, have you?"
+
+
+
+
+FOUNTAIN PENS
+
+
+"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his
+visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers
+do."
+
+"It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing with
+pleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen."
+
+
+"Percy" asks if we know anything which will change the color of the
+fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette smoking.
+
+He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain pens.
+
+
+
+
+FOURTH OF JULY
+
+
+"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?"
+
+"Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at
+least once a year."
+
+
+One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertised
+special attractions to American visitors. All over the auditorium the
+Union Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one another, and at the
+interludes were heard "Yankee Doodle" and "Hail Columbia," while a
+quartette sang "Down upon the Swanee River." It was an occasion to swell
+the heart of an exiled patriot. Finally came the turn of the Human
+Encyclopedia, who advanced to the front of the stage and announced
+himself ready to answer, sight unseen, all questions the audience might
+propound. A volley of queries was fired at him, and the Encyclopedia
+breathlessly told the distance of the earth from Mars, the number of
+bones in the human skeleton, of square miles in the British Empire, and
+other equally important facts. There was a brief pause, in which an
+American stood up.
+
+"What great event took place July 4, 1776?" he propounded in a loud glad
+voice.
+
+The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. "Th' hincident you speak of, sir,
+was a hinfamous houtrage!"
+
+
+
+
+FREAKS
+
+
+_See_ Husbands.
+
+
+
+
+FREE THOUGHT
+
+
+TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?"
+
+POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married."
+
+
+
+
+FRENCH LANGUAGE
+
+
+"I understand you speak French like a native."
+
+"No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent down
+pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures."
+
+
+In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the acts
+of "Chantecler": "I think it's mo' fun when you don't understand French.
+It sounds mo' like chickens!"--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+FRESHMEN
+
+
+_See_ College Students.
+
+
+
+
+FRIENDS
+
+
+  The Lord gives our relatives,
+  Thank God we can choose our friends.
+
+
+"Father."
+
+"Well, what is it?"
+
+"It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.'
+Is that so, Father?"
+
+"Yes, yes, yes."
+
+"Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad
+man, is the good man bad because he keeps company with the
+bad man, and is the bad man good because he keeps company
+with the good man?"--_Punch_.
+
+
+  Here's champagne to our real friends.
+  And real pain to our sham friends.
+
+
+    It's better to make friends fast
+    Than to make fast friends.
+
+
+Some friends are a habit--some a luxury.
+
+
+A friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your faults.
+
+
+
+
+FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF
+
+
+A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society of
+Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeresses who
+took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street Station. After a few
+minutes' silence she was somewhat startled to hear a gentle voice
+inquire: "Sister Kate, will thee go to the counter and have a milk punch
+on me?"--_Carolina Lockhart_.
+
+
+
+FRIENDSHIP
+
+
+Friendly may we part and quickly meet again.
+
+
+  There's fellowship
+  In every sip
+  Of friendship's brew.
+
+
+May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship.
+
+
+  Here's to the four hinges of Friendship--
+  Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking.
+  When you swear, swear by your country;
+  When you lie, lie for a pretty woman,
+  When you steal, steal away from bad company
+  And when you drink, drink with me.
+
+
+The trouble with having friends is the upkeep.
+
+
+"Brown volunteered to lend me money."
+
+"Did you take it?"
+
+"No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose."
+
+
+"I let my house furnished, and they've had measles there. Of course
+we've had the place disinfected; so I suppose it's quite safe. What do
+you think?"
+
+"I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it would be
+safer to lend it to a friend first."--_Punch_.
+
+
+"Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff yer
+potatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak'
+extra reductions for yer freends."
+
+"Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin's a ton beacuse a customer is a
+freend o' mine, an' then I jist tak' twa hundert-weight aff the ton
+because I'm a freend o' his."--_Punch_.
+
+
+The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride on
+one of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the caboose to go up
+and put the man off at the next stop. When the brakeman approached the
+tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away.
+
+"Did you get rid of him?" the conductor asked the brakeman, when the
+train was under motion again.
+
+"I hadn't the heart," was the reply. "He turned out to be an old school
+friend of mine."
+
+"I'll take care of him," said the conductor, as he started over the tops
+of the cars.
+
+After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman came
+into the caboose and said to the conductor:
+
+"Well, is he off?"
+
+"No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too."
+
+
+If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life,
+he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his
+friendship in constant repair.--_Samuel Johnson_.
+
+
+  They say, and I am glad they say,
+    It is so; and it may be so;
+  It may be just the other way,
+    I cannot tell, but this I know--
+  From quiet homes and first beginnings
+    Out to the undiscovered ends
+  There's nothing worth the wear of winning
+    Save laughter and the love of friends.
+
+  --_Hilaire Belloc_.
+
+
+
+
+FUN
+
+
+Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs.--_Abe
+Martin_.
+
+
+_See also_ Amusements.
+
+
+
+
+FUNERALS
+
+
+  There was an old man in a hearse,
+  Who murmured, "This might have been worse;
+    Of course the expense
+    Is simply immense,
+  But it doesn't come out of my purse."
+
+
+
+
+FURNITURE
+
+
+GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"
+
+HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for
+furniture to match."
+
+
+
+
+FUTURE LIFE
+
+
+A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a
+state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed
+signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead.
+
+"Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all that was going on. And
+I knew I wasn't dead, too, because my feet were cold and I was hungry."
+
+"But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?" asked one
+of the curious.
+
+"Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't be hungry.
+And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold."
+
+
+FATHER (impressively)--"Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, what
+would become of you, my boy?"
+
+IRREVERENT SON--"I'd stay here. The question is, What would become of
+you?"
+
+
+"Look here, now, Harold," said a father to his little son, who was
+naughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to Heaven."
+
+"I don't want to go to Heaven," sobbed the boy; "I want to go with you
+and mother."
+
+
+On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to be buried
+at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the burial service, at
+the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvas
+preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is customary to place heavy
+shot with a body to insure its immediate sinking, but in this instance,
+nothing else being available, a large lump of coal was substituted.
+Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed,
+
+"Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I didn't think
+you'd have to furnish your own fuel."
+
+
+An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life that in
+the next he would have to climb up hill to get into hell.
+
+
+When P.T. Barnum was at the head of his "great moral show," it was his
+rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the custom is
+continued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend Doctor Walker
+succeeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor Hawks, in Hartford,
+there came to the parsonage, addressed to Doctor Hawks, tickets for the
+circus, with the compliments of the famous showman. Doctor Walker
+studied the tickets for a moment, and then remarked:
+
+"Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they haven't
+met."
+
+
+Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens of
+Philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among others
+were the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad; ex-Attorney-General
+MacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other prominent railroad men.
+
+Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said: "Your Grace,
+among others you see here a great many railroad men. There is a
+peculiarity of railroad men that even on social occasions you will find
+that they always take their lawyer with them. That is why I am here.
+They never go anywhere without their counsel. Now they have nearly
+everything that men want, but I have a suggestion to make to you for an
+exchange with us. We can give free passes on all the railroads of the
+country. Now if you would only give us--say a free pass to Paradise by
+way of exchange."
+
+"Ah, no," said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "that would
+never do. I would not like to separate them from their counsel."
+
+
+
+
+GARDENING
+
+
+Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they
+go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_.
+
+
+"I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months
+from now I won't be kicking about your prices."
+
+"No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to sell
+vegetables so cheap."
+
+
+
+
+GAS STOVES
+
+
+A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be
+contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many
+years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It
+so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammy
+arrived. Before departing she had just time to explain to mammy the
+modern conveniences with which her apartment was furnished. The gas
+stove was the contrivance which interested the colored woman most. After
+the mistress of the household had lighted the oven, the broiler, and the
+other burners and felt certain the old servant understood its
+operations, the mistress hurried for her train.
+
+She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to mammy was
+how she had worried along.
+
+"De fines' ever," was the reply. "And dat air gas stove--O my! Why do
+you know, Miss Flo'ence, dat fire aint gone out yit."
+
+
+
+
+GENEROSITY
+
+
+"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but
+recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybody
+is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither, and the
+young man tells me I can get a money order for $10 for 10 cents. Think
+of that now!"
+
+
+At one of these reunions of the Blue and the Gray so happily common of
+late, a northern veteran, who had lost both arms and both legs in the
+service, caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous place to receive
+alms. The response to his appeal was generous and his cup rapidly
+filled.
+
+Nobody gave him more than a dime, however, except a grizzled warrior of
+the lost cause, who plumped in a dollar. And not content, he presently
+came that way again and plumped in another dollar.
+
+The cripple's gratitude did not quite extinguish his curiosity. "Why,"
+he inquired, "do you, who fought on the other side, give me so much more
+than any of those who were my comrades in arms?"
+
+The old rebel smiled grimly. "Because," he replied, "you're the first
+Yank I ever saw trimmed up just to suit me."
+
+
+At dinner one day, it was noticed that a small daughter of the minister
+was putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her father asked
+her why she did that. She explained that she was saving them for her
+dog. Her father told her there were plenty of bones the dog could have
+so she consented to eat the dainty bits. Later she collected the bones
+and took them to the dog saying, "I meant to give a free will offering
+but it is only a collection."
+
+
+A little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion store
+and asked for a match.
+
+"We only _sell_ matches," said the storekeeper.
+
+"How much are they?" asked the future citizen.
+
+"Penny a box," was the answer.
+
+"Gimme a box," said the boy.
+
+He took one match, lit the cigarette, and handed the box back over the
+counter, saying, "Here, take it and put it on de shelf, and when anodder
+sport comes and asks for a match, give him one on me."
+
+
+Little Ralph belonged to a family of five. One morning he came into the
+house carrying five stones which he brought to his mother, saying:
+
+"Look, mother, here are tombstones for each one of us."
+
+The mother, counting them, said:
+
+"Here is one for father, dear! Here is one for mother! Here is
+brother's! Here is the baby's; but there is none for Delia, the maid."
+
+Ralph was lost in thought for a moment, then cheerfully cried:
+
+"Oh, well, never mind, mother; Delia can have mine, and I'll live!"
+
+
+She was making the usual female search for her purse when the conductor
+came to collect the fares.
+
+Her companion meditated silently for a moment, then, addressing the
+other, said:
+
+"Let us divide this Mabel; you fumble and I'll pay."
+
+
+
+
+GENTLEMEN
+
+
+"Sadie, what is a gentleman?"
+
+"Please, ma'am," she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't know very
+well."
+
+
+Two characters in Jeffery Farnol's "Amateur Gentleman" give these
+definitions of a gentleman:
+
+"A gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university, but doesn't have to
+learn anything; who goes out into the world, but doesn't have to work at
+anything; and who has never been black-balled at any of the clubs."
+
+"A gentleman is (I take it) one born with the God-like capacity to think
+and feel for others, irrespective of their rank or condition.... One who
+possesses an ideal so lofty, a mind so delicate, that it lifts him above
+all things ignoble and base, yet strengthens his hands to raise those
+who are fallen--no matter how low."
+
+
+
+
+GERMANS
+
+
+The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At the
+dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so
+silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks.
+
+"Quite right," responded Heine, "but to-night I have exchanged views
+with my German friends and my head is fearfully empty."
+
+
+
+
+GHOSTS
+
+
+"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal
+to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, told
+some friends in New York recently. "Personally, in the course of a
+fairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story. Its
+hero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks.
+
+"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted chamber for
+the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness, but
+nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he took to bed with him a
+revolver of the latest American pattern.
+
+"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he awoke
+with an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head and peered
+about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full moon, and in that
+weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a small, white hand clasping
+the rail at the foot of the bed.
+
+"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously.
+
+"There was no reply. The small white hand did not move.
+
+"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot.'
+
+"Again there was no reply.
+
+"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired.
+
+"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own toes."
+
+
+
+
+GIFTS
+
+
+When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a check
+for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, Felicia Robson,
+who attended the wedding conveyed the gift.
+
+"Felicia," said her father upon her return, "did you give him the
+check?"
+
+"Yes, Father," answered the daughter.
+
+"What did he say?" asked Robson.
+
+"He didn't say anything," replied Miss Felicia, "but he shed tears."
+
+"How long did he cry?"
+
+"Why Father, I didn't time him. I should say, however, that he wept
+fully a minute."
+
+"Fully a minute," mused Robson. "Why, Daughter, I cried an hour after I
+signed it."
+
+
+A church house in a certain rural district was sadly in need of repairs.
+The official board had called a meeting of the parishioners to see what
+could be done toward raising the necessary funds. One of the wealthiest
+and stingiest of the adherents of that church arose and said that he
+would give five dollars, and sat down.
+
+Just then a bit of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him squarely
+upon the head. Whereupon he jumped up, looked confused and said:
+"I--er--I meant I'll give fifty dollars!" then again resumed his seat.
+
+After a brief silence a voice was heard to say: "O Lord, hit 'im again!"
+
+
+He gives twice who gives quickly because the collectors come around
+later on and hit him for another subscription.--_Puck_.
+
+
+"Presents," I often say, "endear Absents."--_Charles Lamb_.
+
+
+In giving, a man receives more than he gives, and the more is in
+proportion to the worth of the thing given.--_George MacDonald_.
+
+
+_See also_ Christmas gifts.
+
+
+
+
+GLUTTONY
+
+
+A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince
+pie.
+
+A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die.
+
+"No," the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from eating
+too much."
+
+
+There was a young person named Ned,
+Who dined before going to bed,
+  On lobster and ham
+  And salad and jam,
+And when he awoke he was dead.
+
+
+
+
+GOLF
+
+
+Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour.
+As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock:
+
+"Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'."
+
+"The morrn'?" Jock repeated.
+
+"Aye, mon, the morrn'," said Sandy. "I'll go ye a roond on the links in
+the morrn'."
+
+"Aye, weel," said Jock, "I'll go ye. But I had intended to get marriet
+in the morrn'."
+
+
+GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent--
+
+"Sir, I wish you clearly to understand that I resent your
+unwarrant--your interference with my game, sir! Tilt the green once
+more, sir, and I chuck the match."
+
+
+Doctor William S. Rainsford is an inveterate golf player. When he was
+rector of St. George's Church, in New York City, he was badly beaten on
+the links by one of his vestrymen. To console the clergyman the
+vestryman ventured to say: "Never mind, Doctor, you'll get satisfaction
+some day when I pass away. Then you'll read the burial service over me."
+
+"I don't see any satisfaction in that," answered the clergy-man, "for
+you'll still be in the hole."
+
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Willie, do you know what beomes of boys who use
+bad language when they're playing marbles?"
+
+WILLIE--"Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf."
+
+
+The game of golf, as every humorist knows, is conducive to profanity. It
+is also a terrible strain on veracity, every man being his own umpire.
+
+Four men were playing golf on a course where the hazard on the ninth
+hole was a deep ravine.
+
+They drove off. Three went into the ravine and one managed to get his
+ball over. The three who had dropped into the ravine walked up to have a
+look. Two of them decided not to try to play their balls out and gave up
+the hole. The third said he would go down and play out his ball. He
+disappeared into the deep crevasse. Presently his ball came bobbing out
+and after a time he climbed up.
+
+"How many strokes?" asked one of his opponents.
+
+"Three."
+
+"But I heard six."
+
+"Three of them were echoes!"
+
+
+When Mark Twain came to Washington to try to get a decent copyright law
+passed, a representative took him out to Chevy Chase.
+
+Mark Twain refused to play golf himself, but he consented to walk over
+the course and watch the representative's strokes. The representative
+was rather a duffer. Teeing off, he sent clouds of earth flying in all
+directions. Then, to hide his confusion he said to his guest: "What do
+you think of our links here, Mr. Clemens?"
+
+"Best I ever tasted," said Mark Twain, as he wiped the dirt from his
+lips with his handkerchief.
+
+
+
+
+GOOD FELLOWSHIP
+
+
+  A glass is good, a lass is good,
+    And a pipe to smoke in cold weather,
+  The world is good and the people are good,
+    And we're all good fellows together.
+
+
+  May good humor preside when good fellows meet,
+  And reason prescribe when'tis time to retreat.
+
+
+Here's to us that are here, to you that are there, and the rest of us
+everywhere.
+
+
+  Here's to all the world,--
+  For fear some darn fool may take offence.
+
+
+
+
+GOSSIP
+
+
+A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_.
+
+
+Gossips are the spies of life.
+
+
+"However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?"
+
+"I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to
+each other."
+
+
+The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, the
+neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows the ways
+of the world.
+
+Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a
+particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over very
+solemnly sent the little girl up to her room.
+
+An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sitting
+complacently on the window seat, looking out at the other children.
+
+"Well, little girl," the mother began, "did you tell God all about how
+naughty you'd been?"
+
+The youngster shook her head, emphatically. "Guess I didn't," she
+gurgled; "why, it'd be all over heaven in no time."
+
+
+Get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody down.--_Life_.
+
+
+"Papa, mamma says that one-half the world doesn't know how the other
+half lives."
+
+"Well, she shouldn't blame herself, dear, it isn't her fault."
+
+
+It is only national history that "repeats itself." Your private history
+is repeated by the neighbors.
+
+
+"You're a terrible scandal-monger, Linkum," said Jorrocks.
+
+"Why in thunder don't you make it a rule to tell only half what you
+hear?"
+
+"That's what I do do," said Linkum. "Only I tell the spicy half."
+
+
+"What," asked the Sunday-school teacher, "is meant by bearing false
+witness against one's neighbor?"
+
+"It's telling falsehoods about them," said the one small maid.
+
+"Partly right and partly wrong," said the teacher.
+
+"I know," said another little girl, holding her hand high in the air.
+"It's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told about
+it."--_H.R. Bennett_.
+
+
+MAUD--"That story you told about Alice isn't worth repeating."
+
+KATE--"It's young yet; give it time."
+
+
+SON--"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?"
+
+FATHER--"Because they are too polite to leave off the 'e.'"
+
+
+  I cannot tell how the truth may be;
+  I say the tale as 'twas said to me.
+
+
+Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty, and if
+you do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, "Why should I tell
+it?"--_Lavater_.
+
+
+
+
+GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
+
+
+"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the
+government?"
+
+"I might if I didn't know who controlled the
+government."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+GOVERNORS
+
+
+The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a
+Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table
+sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governor
+solemnly throughout the repast.
+
+Finally the youngster asked, "Are you really and truly a governor?"
+
+"Yes," replied the great man laughingly; "I really and truly am."
+
+"I've always wanted to see a governor," continued the child, "for I've
+heard Daddy speak of 'em."
+
+"Well," rejoined the Governor, "now that you have seen one, are you
+satisfied?"
+
+"No, sir," answered the youngster, without the slightest impertinence,
+but with an air of great conviction, "no, sir; I'm disappointed."
+
+
+
+
+GRAFT
+
+
+"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner.
+
+"Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which
+ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to
+apologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to explain
+how they got it."
+
+
+LADY--"I guess you're gettin' a good thing out o' tending the rich Smith
+boy, ain't ye, doctor?"
+
+DOCTOR--"Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee. Why?"
+
+LADY--"Well, I hope you won't forget that my Willie threw the brick that
+hit 'im!"
+
+
+Every man has his price, but some hold bargain sales.--_Satire_.
+
+
+The Democrats had a clear working majority in ----, Illinois, for a
+number of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect it
+enfranchised so many of the "culled bredren" as to make it apparent to
+the party leaders that unless a good many black votes could be bought
+up, the Republicans would carry the city election. Accordingly advances
+were made to the Rev. Brother ----, whose influence it was thought
+desirable to secure, inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of
+his entire church.
+
+He was found "open to conviction," and arrangements progressed
+satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary to
+secure his vote and influence.
+
+With an air of offended dignity, Brother ---- replied:
+
+"Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist Church dis
+ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low; but, gemmen, my son
+will call round to see you in de mornin'."
+
+
+A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned his new
+suit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a café and
+refreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his pocket for the money
+to settle his check, he realized that he had neglected to transfer both
+purse and watch when he left his suit. As he hesitated, somewhat
+embarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor at his feet. Seizing it
+thankfully, he stepped to the cashier's desk and presented both check
+and money.
+
+"That was a two dollar bill," he explained when he counted his change.
+
+"I know it," said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head. "I'm
+dividing with you. I saw it first."
+
+
+
+
+GRATITUDE
+
+
+After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the
+thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor,
+I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked
+down in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"
+
+
+Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner who
+complained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to read.
+
+"Nutt'n but continued stories," he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung next
+Tuesday."
+
+
+It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the United
+Society of Lady Vegetarians.
+
+They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to boil, when,
+horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the scene.
+
+Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging creature
+pounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red parasol. By great
+good fortune she nipped over the stile before it could reach her. Then,
+regaining her breath, she turned round.
+
+"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been a
+vegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"
+
+
+Miss PASSAY--"You have saved my life, young man. How can I repay you?
+How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?"
+
+YOUNG MAN--"Yes; come and be a cook for us."
+
+
+
+
+GREAT BRITAIN
+
+
+One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the
+House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of the
+small boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its way
+through the lobby. First came the Speaker, and then the chaplain, and
+next the other officers.
+
+"Who, father, is that gentleman?" said the small boy, pointing to the
+chaplain.
+
+"That, my son," said the father, "is the chaplain of the House."
+
+"Does he pray for the members?" asked the small boy.
+
+The father thought a minute and then said: "No, my son; when he goes
+into the House he looks around and sees the members sitting there and
+then he prays for the country."--_Cardiff Mail_.
+
+
+There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of history, who
+has evidently profited by such observations as he may have overheard his
+father utter touching certain phases of British empire-building. At any
+rate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the opinion not infrequently
+expressed in regard to the righteousness of "British occupation." It was
+he who handed in the following essay on the making of a British colony:
+
+"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. First
+she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a specially
+beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round him
+and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are shut, up goes the
+British flag."
+
+
+
+
+GRIEF
+
+
+Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to
+ride in his new car.
+
+"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?"
+
+"No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that--I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes'
+nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve."
+
+
+
+
+GUARANTEES
+
+
+TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?"
+
+GUARD--"Yes, sir."
+
+TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?"
+
+GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!"
+
+
+
+
+GUESTS
+
+
+"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at
+breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"
+
+"Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin',
+suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and we's savin'
+all de fresh aigs for him, suh."
+
+
+  "Here's a health to thee and thine
+  From the hearts of me and mine;
+  And when thee and thine
+  Come to see me and mine,
+  May me and mine make thee and thine
+  As welcome as thee and thine
+  Have ever made me and mine."
+
+
+
+
+HABIT
+
+
+Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young
+timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times
+spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you
+want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him."
+
+One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at the
+first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him by the arm,
+dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him over her knee and did her
+duty.
+
+When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?"
+
+"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors."
+
+
+In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was
+appointed police magistrate.
+
+"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case was
+called.
+
+"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.
+
+The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant.
+
+"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded.
+
+"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop."
+
+"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he absently
+polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief.
+
+
+"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to another.
+"Did you see it?"
+
+"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise."
+
+
+A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an early
+train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. Near the
+station he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him with:
+
+"Say, son, got another cigarette?"
+
+"No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings."
+
+"All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very well.
+Will you fix one for me?"
+
+The boy did.
+
+"Don't believe I've got a match," said the man, after a search through
+his pockets.
+
+The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain," he said "you ain't got
+anything but the habit, have you?"
+
+
+  Habit with him was all the test of truth;
+  "It must be right: I've done it from my youth."
+
+  --_Crabbe_.
+
+
+
+
+HADES
+
+
+_See_ Future life.
+
+
+
+
+HAPPINESS
+
+
+Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school
+question:
+
+"The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much
+discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the
+schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is well
+reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said:
+
+    "'Dear parents--We are having a good time now at school.
+    George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went
+    skating and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was
+    drowned. Most of the boys here are down with influenza. The
+    gardener fell into our cave and broke his rib, but he can work
+    a little. The aviator man at the race course kicked us because
+    we threw sand in his motor, and we are all black and blue. I
+    broke my front tooth playing football. We are very happy.'"
+
+
+Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make
+them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of
+it.--_Sydney Smith_.
+
+
+
+
+HARNESSING
+
+
+The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a
+little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horse
+was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished
+for an hour or two.
+
+When they were ready to go home, a difficulty at once presented itself,
+inasmuch as neither of the Trentonians knew how to reharness the horse.
+Every effort in this direction met with dire failure, and the worst
+problem was properly to adjust the bit. The horse himself seemed to
+resent the idea of going into harness again.
+
+Finally one of the friends, in great disgust, sat down in the road.
+"There's only one thing we can do, Bill," said he.
+
+"What's that?" asked Bill.
+
+"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!"
+
+
+
+
+HARVARD UNIVERSITY
+
+
+"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a match
+factory."
+
+"That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads,
+but we get the sticks from Harvard."--_C. Stratton_.
+
+
+
+
+HASH
+
+
+"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connecting
+link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?"
+
+"Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash."
+
+
+
+
+HASTE
+
+
+The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd
+rushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every
+shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat
+only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an instant on
+the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made a
+flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely on
+the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on which
+he struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash. When the
+arriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat
+man. "I hope I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway I
+caught the boat!"
+
+"But you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"
+
+
+
+
+HEALTH RESORTS
+
+
+"Where've you been, Murray?"
+
+"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great."
+
+"Then why did you come away?"
+
+"Oh, I got sick and had to come home."
+
+"Are you going back?"
+
+"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough."
+
+
+
+
+HEARING
+
+
+The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had
+overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.
+
+"They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard her
+mention 'a trained deer.'"
+
+"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must have! They
+were talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out about the train,
+dear.'"
+
+"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talking
+about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as distinctly as could
+be."
+
+The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herself
+appeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for a
+settlement.
+
+"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each one.
+"I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if it
+rained here last night."
+
+After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence.--_W.J.
+Lampton_.
+
+
+
+
+HEAVEN
+
+
+"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you
+make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."
+
+"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt."
+
+"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven."
+
+"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones up
+there."--_I.C. Curtis_.
+
+
+_See also_ Future life.
+
+
+
+
+HEIRLOOMS
+
+
+HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings
+heirlooms?"
+
+SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family
+since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it only
+dates from the conquest."
+
+
+"My grandfather was a captain of industry."
+
+"Well?"
+
+"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books."
+
+
+
+
+HELL
+
+
+_See_ Future life.
+
+
+
+
+HEREDITY
+
+
+"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"
+
+"Something which descends from father to son."
+
+"Is a spanking hereditary?"
+
+
+William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers,
+silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. He
+entered the library where his father was reading. The old gentleman
+looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgusted
+he became.
+
+"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d--- fool!"
+
+Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the boy
+heartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you look
+exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came back
+from school!"
+
+"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just telling me."
+
+
+"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken. I
+wonder why?" said Jones.
+
+"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and the
+other from eggs."
+
+
+"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, it
+may turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"
+
+"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child may
+develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the
+house."
+
+
+_See also_ Ancestry.
+
+
+
+
+HEROES
+
+
+THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve
+a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"
+
+THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_.
+
+
+MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"
+
+MR. SCRAPER--"I reckon I am."
+
+MR. HENPECK--"Shake! You're a hero."
+
+
+Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.--_Emerson_.HIGH COST OF
+LIVING
+
+
+_See_ Cost of living.
+
+
+
+
+HINTING
+
+
+Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and
+butter, and politely said, "Thank you."
+
+"That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say
+'thank you.'"
+
+"Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again, you might
+put some jam on it."
+
+
+
+
+HOME
+
+
+Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your
+old manners.
+
+
+  Who hath not met with home-made bread,
+  A heavy compound of putty and lead--
+  And home-made wines that rack the head,
+  And home-made liquors and waters?
+  Home-made pop that will not foam,
+  And home-made dishes that drive one from home--
+             * * * * * *
+  Home-made by the homely daughters.
+
+  --_Hood_.
+
+
+
+
+HOMELINESS
+
+
+_See_ Beauty, Personal.
+
+
+
+
+HOMESTEADS
+
+
+"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all
+about this law. Tell me what I am to do."
+
+"Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law,
+but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The government is
+willin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteen
+dollars that you can't live on it five years without starving to
+death."--_Fenimore Martin_.
+
+
+
+
+HONESTY
+
+
+"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving
+smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."
+
+
+VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why
+didn't you have a pal?"
+
+PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."
+
+
+Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a story about
+honesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a position in a
+dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, and references
+were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver in
+the firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerk
+sought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest.
+'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his honesty's been proved again and
+again. To my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times for
+stealing and every time he was acquitted.'"
+
+
+"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came to
+measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found them
+nearly two barrels short?"
+
+"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your own
+flour-barrels."
+
+"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let's
+imbibe."
+
+
+The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot.
+
+"This game ain't on the level," protested Sagebush Sam, at the same time
+producing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That ain't the hand I
+dealt ye!"
+
+
+A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two dumpy
+little boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in a quarter,
+she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for that money.
+
+"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in," said the clerk.
+
+"Oh, no, mister," she said. "I never pay for them. I never can spare
+more than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat you any,
+mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they get into a
+seat, and don't see a single bit of it."
+
+The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two children
+to pass in.
+
+Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the auditorium and
+handed a twenty-five-cent piece to the ticket-seller.
+
+"What's this?" demanded the latter.
+
+"I don't know," said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman beckoned me
+clear across the house, and said one of her kids had waked up and was
+looking at the show, and that I should bring you that quarter."
+
+
+
+
+HONOR
+
+
+In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and
+reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried:
+
+"All tickets, please!"
+
+Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned the
+faces of the others and said, slowly and impressively:
+
+"Gentlemen, I trust to your honor."
+
+And he dived under the seat and remained there in a small, silent knot
+till the conductor was safely gone.
+
+
+  Titles of honour add not to his worth,
+  Who is himself an honour to his titles.
+
+  --_John Ford_.
+
+
+
+
+HOPE
+
+
+FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's
+death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same
+way."
+
+BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_.
+
+
+
+
+HORSES
+
+
+A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two
+dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a
+five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it,
+looked it over for a moment or so, and then asked:
+
+"Which horse do you want?"
+
+
+A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with his
+horse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and then stop
+again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting it
+started. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously:
+
+"Is your horse sick?"
+
+"Not as I knows of."
+
+"Is he balky?"
+
+"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, that
+he stops every once in a while to listen."
+
+
+A German farmer was in search of a horse.
+
+"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's five years
+old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping."
+
+The German threw his hands skyward.
+
+"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from town, und
+mit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles."
+
+
+There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse flesh.
+
+The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of his
+master's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal fell ill
+and died.
+
+"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy the next
+morning.
+
+"I'm sorry, boss," the lad faltered.
+
+"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me for my
+horse?"
+
+"I'll make it all right, boss," said the boy soothingly. "You can take
+it out of my next Saturday's wages."
+
+
+Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of town on
+important law business. As he had a long distance to travel he hired a
+horse from a livery stable. When a few days later he returned he took
+the horse back to the stable and asked the man who had given it to him:
+"Keep this horse for funerals?"
+
+"No, indeed," answered the man indignantly.
+
+"Glad to hear it," said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse wouldn't
+get there in time for the resurrection."
+
+
+
+
+HOSPITALITY
+
+
+Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted
+from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck
+in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door.
+
+As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down his
+collar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel the stream of
+water coursing down his back. Another spell of pounding, and finally the
+red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window.
+
+"Watcher want?" it asked.
+
+"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler answered
+testily.
+
+The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering.
+
+"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the window.
+
+
+The old friends had had three days together.
+
+"You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the morning
+of his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet."
+
+"Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the host
+comfortably. "I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you come
+again."
+
+
+A youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading aloud
+to him when a caller came. In a few minutes his mother was called to the
+telephone. The boy turned to the caller and said "Now you beat it
+home." Ollie James, the famous Kentucky Congressman and raconteur, hails
+from a little town in the western part of the state, but his patriotism
+is state-wide, and when Louisville made a bid for the last Democratic
+national convention she had no more enthusiastic supporter than James. A
+Denver supporter was protesting.
+
+"Why, you know, Colonel," said he, "Louisville couldn't take care of the
+crowds. Even by putting cots in the halls, parlors, and the dining-rooms
+of the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough."
+
+"Beds!" echoed the genial Congressman, "why, sir, Louisville would make
+her visitors have such a thundering good time that no gentleman would
+think of going to bed!"
+
+
+
+
+HOSTS
+
+
+  I thank you for your welcome which was cordial,
+  And your cordial which was welcome.
+
+
+  Here's to the host and the hostess,
+    We're honored to be here tonight;
+  May they both live long and prosper,
+    May their star of hope ever be bright.
+
+
+
+
+HOTELS
+
+
+In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the
+day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the
+neck."--_Country Life_.
+
+
+
+
+HUNGER
+
+
+A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was
+pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished
+wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to
+devour it. But they soon caught up with him, and he shot another, which
+was in turn devoured. This was repeated until the last famished wolf was
+almost upon him with yearning jaws, when--
+
+"Say, partner," broke in one of the listeners, "according to your
+reckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other 'leven inside
+of him."
+
+"Well, come to think it over," said the story teller, "maybe he wasn't
+so darned famished after all."
+
+
+
+
+HUNTING
+
+
+A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting"
+in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest
+shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game.
+
+After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the visitor's
+first barrell.
+
+The host's face fell also.
+
+"We may as well return," he remarked, gloomily, "for that was the only
+snipe in the neighborhood."
+
+The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six weeks.
+
+
+
+
+HURRY
+
+
+See Haste.
+
+
+
+
+HUSBANDS
+
+
+"Is she making him a good wife?"
+
+"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."
+
+
+A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but
+unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided
+between them. The wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor at
+the old address, but the husband went on a tour.
+
+After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a reconciliation
+took place, as the result of which they became business partners once
+more. A few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sent
+into fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers:
+
+"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanently
+increased."
+
+
+An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country with a
+number of his colleagues was dining at an American house and telling how
+much he had enjoyed various phases of his visit.
+
+"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him.
+
+"Ach, dhey are woonderful," the German gentleman replied; "so swift, so
+safe chenerally--und such luxury in all dhe furnishings und
+opp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one thing--our wives do not like
+dhe upper berths."
+
+
+A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington were one
+night speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage, took up his
+residence in another city. One of the grouches had recently visited the
+old friend, and, naturally, the other grouch wanted news of the
+Benedict.
+
+"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch.
+
+"I wouldn't say just that," grimly responded the first grouch, "but I'll
+tell you of a little incident in their household that came within my
+observation. The very first morning I spent with them, our old friend
+answered the letter carrier's whistle. As he returned to us, in the
+breakfast room, he carried a letter in his hand. Turning to his wife, he
+said:
+
+"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.
+
+"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy
+feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."
+
+
+NEIGHBOR--"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the hangels now?"
+
+LONG-SUFFERING WIDOW--"Not 'im. 'Ittin' the hangels wiv the 'arp's
+nearer 'is mark!"
+
+
+"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to another
+during a talk.
+
+"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply.
+
+"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a husband--you're a
+habit."
+
+
+MR. HENPECK--"Is my wife going out, Jane?"
+
+JANE--"Yessir."
+
+MR. HENPECK--"Do you know if I am going with her?"
+
+
+A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock,
+and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had an
+amusing old colored woman for a cook.
+
+One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for the
+mistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husband
+send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"
+
+"Certainly, my husband, Mammy," proudly answered the lady.
+
+"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well."
+
+
+An absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a letter to his
+wife, in the office. As a result, the signature read:
+
+Your loving husband,
+
+HOPKINS BROS.
+
+_Winifred C. Bristol_.
+
+
+Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had
+helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again.
+
+"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her
+marriage.
+
+"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered.
+
+"And is your husband a good provider?"
+
+"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply. "Why,
+jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at."
+
+
+"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do."
+
+"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile."
+
+
+"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"
+
+"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his wife."--_Judge_.
+
+
+A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party." Every guest
+was to bring something that she could not find any use for, and yet too
+good to throw away. The party would have been a great success but for
+the unlooked-for development which broke it up. Eleven of the nineteen
+women brought their husbands.
+
+
+  A very man--not one of nature's clods--
+    With human failings, whether saint or sinner:
+  Endowed perhaps with genius from the gods
+    But apt to take his temper from his dinner.
+
+  --_J. G. Saxe_.
+
+
+A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrella
+like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put out
+the eye of the man behind her.
+
+"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.
+
+
+OLD MONEY (dying)--"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes,
+dear."
+
+YOUNG WIFE--"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always remember how very
+kind you were when you left me."
+
+
+An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his late
+hours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in the
+following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:
+
+"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in the
+hall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip into bed with the ease
+of experience.
+
+"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping in
+the bed with us. So when I began to slide under the covers she stirred
+in her sleep and pushed me on the head.
+
+"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said.
+
+"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick her
+hand, and she dozed off again!"
+
+
+MR. HOMEBODY--"I see you keep copies of
+all the letters you write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeating
+yourself?"
+
+MR. FARAWAY--"No. To avoid contradicting myself."
+
+
+  There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad,
+  There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad;
+  But the gladness in his gladness,
+  Nor the sadness in his sadness,
+  Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.
+
+
+_See also_ Cowards; Domestic finance.
+
+
+
+
+HYBRIDIZATION
+
+
+We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut
+Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now
+we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenter
+attached to the Berlin War Office, who has crossed carrier pigeons with
+parrots, so that Wilhelmstrasse can now get verbal messages through the
+enemy's lines.--_Warwick James Price_.
+
+
+
+
+HYPERBOLE
+
+
+"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had
+their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to
+out in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thought
+my fortune was sure made. However, I didn't harvest one."
+
+He waited for queries, but his friends knew him, and he was forced to
+continue unurged:
+
+"The vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' 'em
+'round. However, the second year my two little boys made up their minds
+to get a taste of one anyhow, so they took turns, carryin' one along
+with the vine and--"
+
+But his companions had already started toward the barroom door.
+
+
+News comes from Southern Kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk to see
+how the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing faster than
+the boy can climb down. The boy is clear out of sight. Three men have
+taken the contract for cutting down the stalk with axes to save the boy
+a horrible death by starving, but the stalk grows so rapidly that they
+can't hit twice in the same place. The boy is living on green corn alone
+and has already thrown down over four bushels of cobs. Even if the corn
+holds out there is still danger that the boy will reach a height where
+he will be frozen to death. There is some talk of attempting his rescue
+with a balloon.--_Topeka Capital_.
+
+
+
+
+HYPOCRISY
+
+
+Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness.
+
+
+TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"
+
+TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."--_Graham
+Charteris_.
+
+
+
+
+IDEALS
+
+
+The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled
+little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's
+father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing
+an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with this injunction chalked
+above it:
+
+"Keep your eye on this and do your best."
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
+
+
+A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the
+back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and
+write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new."
+
+The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished and
+sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingers
+to the floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing, and
+stuck. The patient hadn't seen the cockroach--what he did see was his
+escaped postage stamp zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to the
+baseboard, wavering up over the baseboard, and following a crooked track
+up the wall and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the
+letter he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor.
+
+"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three years."
+
+
+
+
+IMAGINATION
+
+
+One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about
+their respective ages.
+
+"I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May,
+and your's don't come till September."
+
+"Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted, "but
+that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angels
+when they were making you."
+
+The mother instantly summoned her daughter. "It's breaking mother's
+heart to hear you tell such awful stories," she said. "Don't you
+remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?"
+
+"Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying. I saw them
+carried into the corner drug store!"
+
+
+
+
+IMITATION
+
+
+Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As
+You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was
+overlooked by a rising brick edifice.
+
+One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the
+building exclaimed with the utmost gravity:
+
+"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick."
+
+
+
+
+INFANTS
+
+
+A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you
+have the baby half the time."
+
+"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"
+
+"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights."
+
+
+"Is the baby strong?"
+
+"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"--_Comic Cuts_.
+
+
+Recipe for a baby:
+
+  Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk,
+    Smother with a pillow any sneeze;
+  Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back--
+    "Don't forget that you were one of these."
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+INQUISITIVENESS
+
+
+_See_ Wives.
+
+
+
+
+INSANITY
+
+
+_See_ Editors; Love.
+
+
+
+
+INSPIRATIONS
+
+
+She was from Boston, and he was not.
+
+He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew
+nothing, and their books, of which he knew less.
+
+Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and
+Juliet?'"
+
+He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliant
+thought, blurted out, happily:
+
+"I've--I've read Romeo!"
+
+
+
+
+INSTALMENT PLAN
+
+
+Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying
+instalments on.
+
+
+
+
+INSTRUCTIONS
+
+
+A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in
+the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up
+the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned
+to the young man in uniform.
+
+"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to be
+well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"
+
+"Yes, sir, but--"
+
+"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boys
+away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extra
+blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into
+another. I want you to--"
+
+"But, say, boss, I--"
+
+"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talking
+myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get the
+good of it. Not a word, sir."
+
+The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin and
+swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can do
+the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell
+you--but I ain't going out on that train."
+
+
+
+
+INSURANCE, LIFE
+
+
+A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other
+day.
+
+"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.
+
+"No," said the man.
+
+"Do you motor?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"
+
+"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous--"
+
+But the agent interrupted him curtly.
+
+"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."
+
+
+
+
+INSURANCE BLANKS
+
+
+_See_ Irish bulls.
+
+
+
+
+INSURGENTS
+
+
+"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call
+that kind of cucumber?"
+
+"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It
+doesn't always agree with a party."
+
+
+
+
+INTERVIEWS
+
+
+"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"
+
+"No," replied Senator Soghum.
+
+"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"
+
+"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews."
+
+
+
+
+INVITATIONS
+
+
+"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the
+marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite
+sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to
+the attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows:
+
+"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and Miss
+Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All who
+cannot come may send."--_Howard Morse_.
+
+
+One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street.
+
+"Come and dine with us tonight," the mandarin said graciously.
+
+"Thank you," said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow night do
+just as well?"
+
+"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the mandarin
+curiously.
+
+"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to give me
+tonight's invitation."
+
+
+MARION (just from the telephone)--"He wanted to
+know if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would."
+
+MADELINE--"Who was speaking?"
+
+MARION--"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask."
+
+
+Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented,
+provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had had trouble, but,
+rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to invite
+Tommy.
+
+On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had arrived
+except Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her son.
+
+"Willie," she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party tonight?"
+
+"Yes, Mother."
+
+"And did he say he would not come?"
+
+"No," explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared him to
+come."
+
+
+
+
+IRISH BULLS
+
+
+Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching
+tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion,
+asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he
+says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side av
+the foot that's in the air, an' remain motionless."
+
+
+"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's
+absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing
+the same you will greatly oblige his mother."
+
+
+An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather
+freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when the
+Irishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git on
+I'll git off."
+
+
+"The doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope, but if 'e
+don't, the doctor says 'e give 'im up."
+
+
+For rent--A room for a gentleman with all conveniences.
+
+
+A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him:
+"Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay her
+funeral expenses."
+
+
+A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, said
+sharply: "John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do.
+Come up here and let me give you some work."
+
+
+A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroom
+one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisle
+and chewing gum.
+
+"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of your
+mouth and put your feet in."
+
+
+MAGISTRATE--"You admit you stole the pig?"
+
+PRISONER--"I 'ave to."
+
+MAGISTRATE--"Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing going
+on lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us will
+be safe."--_M.L. Hayward_.
+
+
+"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent, "Gideon
+did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down
+to drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the
+other."--_Joe King_.
+
+
+"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder."
+
+"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"
+
+"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it."
+
+
+A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton procession
+from Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was jerked down by a
+policeman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed from
+that vantage point, climbed the railing of Li Hung Chang's gingko-tree.
+Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't look at annything frum where ye
+can see it frum."
+
+
+MRS. JENKINS--"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought a
+house next you, with a water frontage."
+
+MRS. SMITH--"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time."
+
+
+In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was posted:
+
+"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen are
+requested to make use of them only after the former are seated."
+
+
+Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in two
+places at the same time, barring he is a bird."
+
+
+A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in speech,
+remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. "I don't
+know why it is--every time I get up to speak, some fool talks." Then he
+wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter.--_Grub S.
+Arts_.
+
+
+Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being tried
+for an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery on his side,
+and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping, not
+loudly, but like muffled drums. A big policeman came up to the gallery,
+scowled at the disturbers then, when that had no effect, called out in a
+stage whisper:
+
+"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer feet!"
+
+
+The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up are
+often more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical Journal
+shows in the following excellent selection of examples:
+
+Mother died in infancy.
+
+Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up dead.
+
+Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she bade
+fair to reach a ripe old age.
+
+
+Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity, except that
+they died at an advanced age.
+
+Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that she
+fully recovered from her last illness.
+
+Applicant has never been fatally sick.
+
+Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere child.
+
+Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but she was
+cured before death.
+
+
+
+
+IRISHMEN
+
+
+A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a
+brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_.
+
+
+Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England
+preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a spark
+of humor struck from flint. "These Irish, anciently called
+'Anthropophagi,' man-eaters, have a tradition among them that when the
+devil showed Our Savior all the kingdoms of the earth and their glory,
+he would not show Him Ireland, but reserved it for himself; it is
+probably true, for he hath kept it ever since for his own peculiar."
+
+
+An Irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons and
+invited his caller to take a look at them.
+
+"Ain't they fine boys?" inquired the father.
+
+"They are," agreed the visitor.
+
+"The finest in the world!" exclaimed the father. "An' I nivver laid
+violent hands on any one of 'em except in silf-difince."--_Popular
+Magazine_.
+
+
+_See also_ Fighting; Irish bulls.
+
+
+
+
+IRREVERENCE
+
+
+  There were three young women of Birmingham,
+  And I know a sad story concerning 'em:
+    They stuck needles and pins
+    In the reverend shins
+  Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new novel by Gertrude Atherton.
+After reading the review Mrs. Atherton wrote to Mr. James as follows:
+
+    "Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of
+    my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or
+    not?"
+
+    Sincerely,
+
+    "GERTRUDE ATHERTON."
+
+
+
+
+JEWELS
+
+
+  The girl with the ruby lips we like,
+    The lass with teeth of pearl,
+  The maid with the eyes like diamonds,
+    The cheek-like-coral girl;
+  The girl with the alabaster brow,
+    The lass from the Emerald Isle.
+  All these we like, but not the jade
+    With the sardonyx smile.
+
+
+
+
+
+JEWS
+
+
+What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the
+banana.
+
+
+He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently
+a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively
+at the little oily Jew who occupied the other half of the car seat with
+him.
+
+The little Jew looked at him deprecatingly. "Nice day," he began
+politely.
+
+"You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the Yankee.
+
+"Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman," handing him a card.
+
+"But you're a Jew?"
+
+"Yes, yes, I'm a Jew," came the answer.
+
+"Well," continued the Yankee, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little village
+in Maine where I come from I'm proud to say there ain't a Jew."
+
+"Dot's why it's a village," replied the little Jew quietly.
+
+
+The men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One said
+Stephenson, who invented the locomotive. Another declared it was the man
+who invented the compass. Another contended for Edison. Still another
+for the Wrights,
+
+Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained silent:
+
+"Who do you think?"
+
+"Vell," he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented interest
+was no slouch."
+
+
+Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famous
+specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the
+waiting-room.
+
+After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and
+whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain't
+he?"
+
+"One of the best," the gentleman told him.
+
+Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.
+
+"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then,
+ain't he? Vat does he charge?"
+
+The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rather
+shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five
+dollars for each visit thereafter."
+
+"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky--"Fifty tollars the first time und
+twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"
+
+For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Und
+twenty-five tollars each time afterwards," he kept muttering. Finally,
+just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliant
+inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands.
+
+"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am _again_."
+
+
+The Jews are among the aristocracy of every land; if a literature is
+called rich in the possession of a few classic tragedies what shall we
+say to a national tragedy lasting for fifteen hundred years, in which
+the poets and the actors were also the heroes.--_George Eliot_.
+
+
+_See also_ Failures; Fires.
+
+
+
+
+JOKES
+
+
+A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and
+different in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J.
+Burtscher_.
+
+
+JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last
+week."
+
+BOGGS--"What luck did you have with them?"
+
+JOKELY--"Oh, they all came flying back."--_Will S. Gidley_.
+
+
+  "I ne'er forget a joke I have
+    Once heard!" Augustus cried.
+  "And neither do you let your friends
+    Forget it!" Jane replied.
+
+  --_Childe Harold_.
+
+A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the noon
+hour, sleeping in the hot sun. The clock struck one, the time to pick up
+his hod again. He rose, stretched, and grumbled: "I wish I wuz daid.
+'Tain' nothin' but wuk, wuk from mawnin' tell night."
+
+Another negro, a story above, heard the complaint and dropped a brick on
+the grumbler's head.
+
+Dazed he looked up and said:
+
+"De Lawd can' stan' no jokes. He jes' takes ev'ything in yearnist."
+
+
+The late H.C. Bunner, when editor of _Puck_, once received a letter
+accompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked: "What
+will you give me for these?"
+
+"Ten yards start," was Bunner's generous offer, written beneath the
+query.
+
+
+NEW CONGRESSMAN--"What can I do for you, sir?"
+
+SALESMAN (of Statesmen's Anecdote Manufacturing Company)--"I shall be
+delighted if you'll place an order for a dozen of real, live, snappy,
+humorous anecdotes as told by yourself, sir."
+
+
+Jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years ago from
+Egypt, Babylon and Assyria, and have since then grown and multiplied.
+They are in extensive use in all parts of the country and as an antidote
+for thought are indispensable at all dinner parties.
+
+There were originally twenty-five jokes, but when this country was
+formed they added a constitution, which increased the number to
+twenty-six. These jokes have married and inter-married among themselves
+and their children travel from press to press.
+
+Frequently in one week a joke will travel from New York to San
+Francisco.
+
+The joke is no respecter of persons. Shameless and unconcerned, he tells
+the story of his life over and over again. Outside of the ballot-box he
+is the greatest repeater that we have.
+
+Jokes are of three kinds--plain, illustrated and pointless. Frequently
+they are all three.
+
+No joke is without honor, except in its own country. Jokes form one of
+our staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and day to turn
+out the often neatly finished product. The importation of jokes while
+considerable is not as great as it might be, as the flavor is lost in
+transit.
+
+Jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic. As scenebreakers they
+have no equal.--_Life_.
+
+
+  Here's to the joke, the good old joke,
+    The joke that our fathers told;
+  It is ready tonight and is jolly and bright
+    As it was in the days of old.
+
+  When Adam was young it was on his tongue,
+    And Noah got in the swim
+  By telling the jest as the brightest and best
+    That ever happened to him.
+
+  So here's to the joke, the good old joke--
+    We'll hear it again tonight.
+  It's health we will quaff; that will help us to laugh,
+    And to treat it in manner polite.
+
+  --_Lew Dockstader_.
+
+
+  A jest's prosperity lies in the ear
+  Of him that hears it, never in the tongue
+  Of him that makes it.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+JOURNALISM
+
+
+A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turning
+to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the little pate,
+"this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," cried the untutored
+old aunty, soothingly, "never you mind 'bout dat; dat'll come right in
+time."
+
+
+John R. McLean, owner of the Cincinnati _Enquirer_ and the Washington
+_Post_, tells this story of the days when he was actively in charge of
+the Cincinnati newspaper: An _Enquirer_ reporter was sent to a town in
+southwestern Ohio to get the story of a woman evangelist who had been
+greatly talked about. The reporter attended one of her meetings and
+occupied a front seat. When those who wished to be saved were asked to
+arise, he kept his seat and used his notebook. The evangelist
+approached, and, taking him by the hand, said, "Come to Jesus."
+
+"Madam," said the newspaper man, "I'm here solely on business--to report
+your work."
+
+"Brother," said she, "there is no business so important as God's."
+
+"Well, may be not," said the reporter; "but you don't know John R.
+McLean."
+
+
+  A newspaper man named Fling
+  Could make "copy" from any old thing.
+    But the copy he wrote
+    Of a five dollar note
+  Was so good he is now in Sing Sing.
+
+  --_Columbia Jester_.
+
+
+"Come in," called the magazine editor.
+
+"Sir, I have called to see about that article of mine that you bought
+two years ago. My name is Pensnink--Percival Perrhyn Pensnink. My
+composition was called 'The Behavior of Chipmunks in Thunderstorms,' and
+I should like to know how much longer I must watch and wait before I
+shall see it in print."
+
+"I remember," the editor replied. "We are saving your little essay to
+use at the time of your death. When public attention is drawn to an
+author we like to have something of his on hand."
+
+
+  Hear, land o' cakes, and brither Scots,
+  Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat's;
+  If there's a hole in a' your coats,
+  I rede you tent it:
+  A chiel's amang you taking notes,
+  And, faith, he'll prent it.
+
+  --_Burns_.
+
+
+_See also_ Newspapers.
+
+
+
+
+JUDGES
+
+
+A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish.
+An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the
+interpreter.
+
+"What does he say?" demanded his lordship.
+
+"Nothing, my lord," was the reply.
+
+"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what was
+it?"
+
+"My lord," said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had nothing to
+do with the case."
+
+"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge. "Now, what
+did he say?"
+
+"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old woman
+with the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?"
+
+At which the court roared.
+
+"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little uncomfortable.
+
+"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going to hang
+you."
+
+
+A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a charge
+of stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him, the judge
+asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the coop was so near
+the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in the yard.
+
+"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge," answered the darky, "to try to
+'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like as not
+yo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken, nuther. Ef yo'
+wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better stick to de bench
+whar yo' am familiar."--_Mrs. L.F. Clarke_.
+
+
+Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely, to
+consider soberly, and to decide impartially.--_Socrates_.
+
+
+
+
+JUDGMENT
+
+
+HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women."
+
+WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+JURY
+
+
+In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say,
+"Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with
+laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock.
+
+
+There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman to whom
+the thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed, and wore an
+air of a man determined not to "get the worst of it."
+
+"Prisoner at the bar," called out the clerk, "do you wish to challenge
+any of the jury?"
+
+The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully.
+
+"Well, I tell ye," he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in trainin',
+but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot fat old boy in
+th' corner."
+
+
+JUSTICE
+
+
+There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side.
+
+
+"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour
+ago!"
+
+"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too
+hard, so I thought I'd just even up."
+
+
+  One man's word is no man's word,
+  Justice is that both be heard.
+
+
+He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decide
+justly cannot be considered just.--_Seneca_.
+
+
+
+
+JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
+
+
+A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store.
+A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the
+station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid
+done?"
+
+
+
+
+KENTUCKY
+
+
+Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws.
+
+
+
+
+KINDNESS
+
+
+Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at
+home.--_Abe Martin_.
+
+
+An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to
+see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As
+they crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimme
+that basket, Hannah."
+
+The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful look.
+
+"That's real kind o' ye, Joshua," she quavered.
+
+"Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost."
+
+
+A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, stood
+directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she
+lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his
+toes.
+
+As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.
+
+"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.
+
+"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply
+self-defense."
+
+
+
+
+KINGS AND RULERS
+
+
+"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to
+my accomplishments."
+
+"Aren't they rather light?"
+
+"They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution
+occurs and I have to go into vaudeville."
+
+
+The present King George in his younger days visited Canada in company
+with the Duke of Clarence. One night at a ball in Quebec, given in honor
+of the two royalties, the younger Prince devoted his time exclusively to
+the young ladies, paying little or no attention to the elderly ones and
+chaperons.
+
+His brother reprimanded him, pointing out to him his social position and
+his duty as well.
+
+"That's all right," said the young Prince. "There are two of us. You go
+and sing God save your Grandmother, while I dance with the girls."
+
+
+  And so we sing, "Long live the King;
+  Long live the Queen and Jack;
+  Long live the Ten-spot and the Ace,
+  And also all the pack."
+
+  --_Eugene Field_.
+
+
+FIRST EUROPEAN SOCIETY LADY--"Wouldn't you like to be presented to our
+sovereign?"
+
+SECOND E.S.L.--"No. Simply because I have to be governed by a man is no
+reason why I should condescend to meet him socially."
+
+
+One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General Von
+Meerscheidt for some small lapses.
+
+"If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please permit
+me to resign," said the General.
+
+"No; you are too young to resign," said the Kaiser.
+
+In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw the old
+General talking to some young ladies, and he said:
+
+"General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament will
+vanish."
+
+"Excuse me, your Majesty," replied the General. "It would kill me to
+have both a young wife and a young Emperor."
+
+
+During the war of 1812, a dinner was given in Canada, at which both
+American and British officers were present. One of the latter offered
+the toast: "To President Madison, dead or alive!"
+
+An American offered the response: "To the Prince Regent, drunk or
+sober!"--_Mrs. Gouverneur_.
+
+
+A lady of Queen Victoria's court once asked her if she did not think
+that one of the satisfactions of the future life would be the meeting
+with the notable figures of the past, such as Abraham, Isaac and King
+David. After a moment's silence, with perfect dignity and decision the
+great Queen made answer: "I will _not_ meet David!"
+
+
+  Ten poor men sleep in peace on one straw heap, as Saadi sings,
+  But the immensest empire is too narrow for two kings.
+
+  --_William R. Alger_.
+
+
+  Here lies our sovereign lord, the king,
+    Whose word no man relies on,
+  Who never said a foolish thing,
+    And never did a wise one.
+
+Said by a courtier of Charles, II. To which the King replied, "That is
+very true, for my words are my own. My actions are my minister's."
+
+
+
+
+KISSES
+
+
+  Here's to a kiss:
+  Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score,
+  Then to that twenty add a hundred more;
+  A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on,
+  To make that thousand quite a million,
+  Treble that million, and when that is done
+  Let's kiss afresh as though we'd just begun.
+
+
+"If I should kiss you I suppose you'd go and tell your mother."
+
+"No; my lawyer."
+
+
+"What is he so angry with you for?"
+
+"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were talking
+just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he flared up and
+tried to kick me."
+
+"And what were you talking about?"
+
+"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always kiss my
+wife three or four times every day.'"
+
+"And what did you say?"
+
+"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had
+a fit."
+
+
+  There was an old maiden from Fife,
+  Who had never been kissed in her life;
+    Along came a cat;
+    And she said, "I'll kiss that!"
+  But the cat answered, "Not on your life!"
+
+
+  Here's to the red of the holly berry,
+    And to its leaf so green;
+  And here's to the lips that are just as red,
+    And the fellow who's not so green.
+
+
+  There was a young sailor of Lyd,
+  Who loved a fair Japanese kid;
+    When it came to good-bye,
+    They were eager but shy,
+  So they put up a sunshade and--did.
+
+
+  There once was a maiden of Siam,
+  Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
+    "If you kiss me, of course
+    You will have to use force,
+  But God knows you're stronger than I am."
+
+
+Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.--_Swift_.
+
+
+_See also_ Courtship; Servants.
+
+
+
+
+KNOWLEDGE
+
+
+A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a
+crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said:
+"My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't
+teach mine a single trick."
+
+The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you
+see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn
+him nothin'."
+
+
+With knowledge and love the world is made.--_Anatole France_.
+
+
+
+
+KULTUR
+
+
+HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid
+fool!"
+
+MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we
+both mistaken."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
+
+
+A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si
+Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out.
+
+"What'll ye pay?" asked Si.
+
+"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer.
+
+Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:
+
+"I'll be _durned_ if I'll work for that!"
+
+
+
+
+LADIES
+
+
+_See_ Etiquet; Woman.
+
+
+
+
+LANDLORDS
+
+
+An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed
+out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him.
+
+"Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property in
+this district!"
+
+"He has, sir," replied the guide, "but, sure, he's like all the
+landlords--he lives in England!"
+
+
+
+
+LANGUAGES
+
+
+George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his
+companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's
+friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in
+studying Arabic in preparation for this trip he could not understand a
+word that the native said.
+
+"Never mind," replied Ade consolingly. "You see, the old duffer hasn't a
+tooth in his head, and he was only talking gum-Arabic."
+
+
+Milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct his
+daughters in the different languages.
+
+"No, sir," he said; "one tongue is sufficient for any woman."
+
+
+Prince Bismarck was once pressed by a certain American official to
+recommend his son for a diplomatic post. "He is a very remarkable
+fellow," said the proud father; "he speaks seven languages."
+
+"Indeed!" said Bismarck, who did not hold a very high opinion of
+linguistic acquirements. "What a wonderful headwaiter he would make!"
+
+
+
+
+LAUGHTER
+
+
+TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom."
+
+FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted."
+
+
+  Laugh and the world laughs with you,
+  Weep, and the laugh's on you.
+
+
+About the best and finest thing in this world is laughter.--_Anna Alice
+Chapin_.
+
+
+
+
+LAW
+
+
+_See_ Punishment.
+
+
+
+
+LAWYERS
+
+
+Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting
+his bill.--_Puck_.
+
+
+George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on
+seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his
+trousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly inquired of those
+present:
+
+"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a professional
+humorist should be funny?"
+
+When the laugh had subsided, Ade drawled out:
+
+"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should
+have his hands in his own pockets?"
+
+
+A man was charged with stealing a horse, and after a long trial the jury
+acquitted him. Later in the day the man came back and asked the judge
+for a warrant against the lawyer who had successfully defended him.
+
+"What's the charge?" inquired the judge.
+
+"Why, Your Honor," replied the man, "you see, I didn't have the money to
+pay him his fee, so he took the horse I stole."--_J.J. O'Connell_.
+
+
+An elderly darky in Georgia, charged with the theft of some chickens,
+had the misfortune to be defended by a young and inexperienced attorney,
+although it is doubtful whether anyone could have secured his acquittal,
+the commission of the crime having been proved beyond all doubt.
+
+The darky received a pretty severe sentence. "Thank you, sah," said he
+cheerfully, addressing the judge when the sentence had been pronounced.
+"Dat's mighty hard, sah, but it ain't anywhere what I 'spected. I
+thought, sah, dat between my character and dat speech of my lawyer dat
+you'd hang me, shore!"
+
+
+"You have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of this
+morning, haven't you?" remarked the friend of a magistrate, who had
+dropped in at the police court.
+
+"Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice, "you are looking at the wrong
+bunch. Those are the lawyers."
+
+
+"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his pal
+emerged from the window.
+
+"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer," replied the other in
+disgust.
+
+"Dat's hard luck," said the first; "did youse lose anyt'ing?"
+
+
+The dean of the Law Department was very busy and rather cross. The
+telephone rang.
+
+"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
+
+"Is that the city gas-works?" said a woman's soft voice.
+
+"No, madam," roared the dean; "this is the University Law Department."
+
+"Ah," she answered in the sweetest of tones, "I didn't miss it so far,
+after all, did I?"--_Carl Holliday_.
+
+
+A lawyer cross-examining a witness, asked him where he was on a
+particular day; to which he replied that he had been in the company of
+two friends. "Friends.'" exclaimed his tormentor; "two thieves, I
+suppose." "They may be so," replied the witness, dryly, "for they are
+both lawyers."
+
+
+An impecunious young lawyer recently received the following letter from
+a tailor to whom he was indebted:
+
+    "Dear Sir: Kindly advise me by return mail when I may expect a
+    remittance from you in settlement of my account.
+
+    Yours truly,
+
+    J. SNIPPEN."
+
+The follower of Blackstone immediately replied:
+
+    "Dear Sir: I have your request for advice of a recent date,
+    and beg leave to say that not having received any retainer
+    from you I cannot act in the premises. Upon receipt of your
+    check for $250 I shall be very glad to look the matter up for
+    you and to acquaint you with the results of my investigations.
+
+    I am, sir, with great respect, your most obedient servant,
+
+    BARCLAY B. COKE."
+
+
+A prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court, but was not
+represented by a lawyer.
+
+"Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided.
+
+"I have none, sir," replied the prisoner.
+
+"Why not?" queried the judge.
+
+"Because I have no money to pay one."
+
+"Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Well, there are Mr. Thomas W. Wilson, Mr. Henry Eddy, and Mr. George
+Rogers," said the judge, pointing to several young attorneys who were
+sitting in the room, waiting for something to turn up, "and Mr. Allen is
+out in the hall."
+
+The prisoner looked at the attorneys, and, after a critical survey, he
+turned to the judge and said:
+
+"If I can take my choice, sir, I guess I'll take Mr. Allen."--_A.S.
+Hitchcock_.
+
+
+"What is that little boy crying about?" asked the benevolent old lady of
+the ragged boy.
+
+"Dat other kid swiped his candy," was the response.
+
+"But how is it that you have the candy now?"
+
+"Sure I got de candy now. I'm de little kid's lawyer."
+
+
+A man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole in the
+sidewalk and broke his leg. He engaged a famous lawyer, brought suit
+against the village for one thousand dollars and won the case. The city
+appealed to the Supreme Court, but again the great lawyer won.
+
+After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed
+him one dollar.
+
+"What's this?" asked the man.
+
+"That's your damages, after taking out my fee, the cost of appeal and
+other expenses," replied the counsel.
+
+The man looked at the dollar, turned it over and carefully scanned the
+other side. Then looked up at the lawyer and said: "What's the matter
+with this dollar? Is it counterfeit?"
+
+
+Deceive not thy Physician, Confessor nor Lawyer.
+
+
+  A Sergeant of the Lawe, war and wys
+  Ther was also, ful riche of excellence.
+  Discreet he was, and of greet reverence:
+  He seemed swich, his wordes weren so wyse.
+                   * * *
+  No-wher so bisy a man as he ther nas,
+  And yet he seemed bisier than he was.
+
+  --_Chaucer_.
+
+
+
+
+LAZINESS
+
+
+A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous
+old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a
+stretch.
+
+"Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots of
+money shipping green corn to the northern market."
+
+"Yes, I otter," was the sullen reply.
+
+"You have the land, I suppose, and can get the seed."
+
+"Yes, I guess so."
+
+"Then why don't you go into the speculation?"
+
+"No use, stranger," sadly replied the cracker, "the old woman is too
+lazy to do the plowin' and plantin'."
+
+
+While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one of the
+passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front of which sat
+a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native why the dog was
+howling.
+
+"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy."
+
+"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is
+painful."
+
+"'Taint," responded the garrulous native.
+
+"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"
+
+"Lazy."
+
+"But why does laziness make him howl?"
+
+"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a
+sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets thar
+an' howls 'cause it hurts."
+
+
+"How's times?" inquired a tourist.
+
+"Oh, pretty tolerable," responded the old native who was sitting on a
+stump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along and saved
+me the trouble."
+
+"Fine."
+
+"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the
+trouble of burnin' it."
+
+"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?"
+
+"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along and
+shake the potatoes out of the ground."
+
+
+A tramp, after a day or two in the hustling, bustling town of Denver,
+shook the Denver dust from his boots with a snarl.
+
+"They must be durn lazy people in this town. Everywhere you turn they
+offer you work to do."
+
+
+An Atlanta man tells of an amusing experience he had in a mountainous
+region in a southwestern state, where the inhabitants are notoriously
+shiftless. Arriving at a dilapidated shanty at the noon hour, he
+inquired as to the prospects for getting dinner.
+
+The head of the family, who had been "resting" on a fallen tree in front
+of his dwelling, made reply to the effect that he "guessed Ma'd hev
+suthin' on to the table putty soon."
+
+With this encouragement, the traveler dismounted. To his chagrin,
+however, he soon discovered that the food set before him was such that
+he could not possibly "make a meal." He made such excuses as he could
+for his lack of appetite, and finally bethought himself of a kind of
+nourishment which he might venture to take, and which was sure to be
+found in any locality. He asked for some milk.
+
+"Don't have milk no more," said the head of the place. "The dawg's
+dead."
+
+"The dog!" cried the stranger. "What on earth has the dog to do with
+it?"
+
+"Well," explained the host meditatively, "them cows don't seem to know
+'nough to come up and be milked theirselves. The dog, he used to go for
+'em an' fetch 'em up."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+Some temptations come to the industrious, but all temptations attack the
+idle.--_Spurgeon_.
+
+
+
+
+LEAP YEAR
+
+
+A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:
+
+"George, as it is leap year--"
+
+The caller turned pale.
+
+"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly
+now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose--"
+
+"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George interrupted
+hurriedly.
+
+"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap year, I
+thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligible
+fellows a chance."--_L.F. Clarke_.
+
+
+
+
+LEGISLATORS
+
+
+Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an
+insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in the
+investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner one of the fair
+unfortunates to whom he was introduced.
+
+"I don't remember having seen you here before," said she; "how long have
+you been in the asylum?"
+
+"Oh, I only came down yesterday," said the gentleman, "as one of the
+Legislative Committee."
+
+"Of course," returned the lady; "how stupid I am! However, I knew you
+were an inmate or a member of the Legislature the moment I looked at
+you. But how was I to know? It is so difficult to know which."
+
+
+
+
+LIARS
+
+
+There are three kinds of liars:
+
+1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone.
+
+2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a careful
+study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he will find out
+that you are a hypocrite.
+
+3. The man who can't believe himself. He is a cautious individual.
+Encourage him.
+
+
+Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when one
+made a misstep and fell to the ground. The other leaned over and called:
+
+"Are yez dead or alive, Mike?"
+
+"Oi'm alive," said Mike feebly.
+
+"Sure you're such a liar Oi don't know whether to belave yez or not."
+
+"Well, then, Oi must be dead," said Mike, "for yez would never dare to
+call me a liar if Oi wor aloive."
+
+
+FATHER (reprovingly)--"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?"
+
+JOHNNY--"Yes, sir; they lie still."
+
+
+A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with a
+most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his
+absence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied:
+
+"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a
+letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get
+drunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her shamefully."
+
+The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at the
+door, asking: "Sor, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but as mon to
+mon?"
+
+"Yes; what is it?"
+
+"Well, sor, what I'm after sayin' is this," approaching the captain and
+lowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most iligant liars the
+Lord ever made. I'm not married at all."
+
+
+A conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to the proper
+pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often startled upon
+arrival at his station to hear the conductor yell:
+
+"You're a liar! You're a liar!"
+
+And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car:
+
+"You really are! You really are!"
+
+
+MOTHER--"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told stories when I was
+a little girl."
+
+BOBBY--"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"--_Horace Zimmerman_.
+
+
+The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of old Si
+Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in.
+
+"What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would you
+call Si Perkins a liar?"
+
+"Well," answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied the
+ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar exactly,
+but I do know this much: when feedin' time comes, in order to get any
+response from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to call 'em for
+him."
+
+
+A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever present help in time
+of trouble.
+
+
+An Idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy young
+easterners desirous of hunting in the Northwest evidently took them to
+be the greenest of tenderfoots, since he undertook to chaff them with a
+recital something as follows:
+
+"It was my first grizzly, so I was mighty proud to kill him in a
+hand-to-hand struggle. We started to fight about sunrise. When he
+finally gave up the ghost, the sun was going down."
+
+At this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story. Not a
+word was said by the easterners, so the guide added very slowly, "_for
+the second time_."
+
+"I gather, then," said one young gentleman, a dapper little Bostonian,
+"that it required a period of two days to enable you to dispose of that
+grizzly."
+
+"Two days and a night," said the guide, with a grin. "That grizzly died
+mighty hard."
+
+"Choked to death?" asked the Bostonian.
+
+"Yes, _sir_," said the guide.
+
+"Pardon me," continued the Hubbite, "but what did you try to get him to
+swallow?"
+
+
+  When by night the frogs are croaking,
+  Kindle but a torch's fire;
+  Ha! how soon they all are silent;
+  Thus Truth silences the liar.
+
+  --_Friedrich von Logan_.
+
+
+_See also_ Epitaphs; Husbands; Politicians; Real estate agents; Regrets.
+
+
+
+
+LIBERTY
+
+
+Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be
+slaves of the things we do like.
+
+
+  A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty
+  Is worth a whole eternity in bondage.
+
+  --_Addison_.
+
+
+Where liberty dwells, there is my country.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
+
+
+
+
+LIBRARIANS
+
+
+A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The Public
+Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the annual
+cleaning and vacation of the librarians."
+
+
+The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the statement
+that the requests for books with queer titles are filled with ones
+really wanted. The following are instances:
+
+    AS ASKED FOR                   CORRECT TITLE
+
+    _Indecent Orders               In Deacon's Orders
+    She Combeth Not Her Head       She Cometh Not, She Said
+    Trial of a Servant             Trail of the Serpent
+    Essays of a Liar               Essays of Elia
+    Soap and Tables                Æsop's Fables
+    Pocketbook's Hill              Puck of Pook's Hill
+    Dentist's Infirmary            Dante's Inferno
+    Holy Smoke                     Divine Fire_
+
+
+One librarian has the following entries in a card catalog:
+
+  Lead Poisoning
+  Do, Kindly Light.
+
+
+A distinguished librarian is a good follower of Chesterton. He says: "To
+my way of thinking, a great librarian must have a clear head, a strong
+hand and, above all, a great heart. Such shall be greatest among
+librarians; and when I look into the future, I am inclined to think that
+most of the men who will achieve this greatness will be women."
+
+
+Many catalogers append notes to the main entries of their catalogs. Here
+are two:
+
+  _An Ideal Husband_:
+    Essentially a work of fiction,
+     and presumably written by a
+     woman (unmarried).
+
+  _Aspects of Home Rule_:
+    Political, not domestic.
+
+
+In a branch library a reader asked for _The Girl He Married_ (by James
+Grant.) This happened to be out, and the assistant was requested to
+select a similar book. Presumably he was a benedict, for he returned
+triumphantly with _His Better Half_ (by George Griffith).
+
+
+"Have you _A Joy Forever_?" inquired a lady borrower.
+
+"No," replied the assistant librarian after referring to the
+stock. "Dear me, how tiresome," said the lady; "have you Praed?" "Yes,
+madam, but it isn't any good," was the prompt reply.
+
+
+
+
+LIFE
+
+
+Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, some
+float and the rest--sink.
+
+
+  I count life just a stuff
+  To try the soul's strength on.
+
+  --_Robert Browning_.
+
+
+  May you live as long as you like,
+  And have what you like as long as you live.
+
+
+  "Live, while you live," the epicure would say,
+  "And seize the pleasures of the present day;"
+  "Live, while you live," the sacred Preacher cries,
+  "And give to God each moment as it flies."
+  "Lord, in my views let both united be;
+  I live in _pleasure_, when I live to _Thee_."
+
+  --_Philip Doddridge_.
+
+
+  This world that we're a-livin' in
+    Is mighty hard to beat,
+  For you get a thorn with every rose--
+    But ain't the roses sweet!
+
+
+Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff
+life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
+
+
+
+
+LISPING
+
+
+"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an
+unusual lisp.
+
+"Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk."
+
+
+
+
+LOST AND FOUND
+
+
+"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I
+kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised
+'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'"
+
+
+"What were you in for?" asked the friend.
+
+"I found a horse."
+
+"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a horse."
+
+"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him."
+
+
+"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no
+longer--it has been found."--_Brooklyn Life_.
+
+
+A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost a
+cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutely
+certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he posted
+this notice:
+
+"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply appreciate
+its immediate return."
+
+That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was posted, what
+were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto were
+these lines:
+
+"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor if the
+owner would kindly lose the other link."
+
+
+CHINAMAN--"You tellee me where railroad depot?"
+
+CITIZEN--"What's the matter, John? Lost?"
+
+CHINAMAN--"No! me here. Depot lost."
+
+
+
+
+LOVE
+
+
+Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's
+board-bill for life.
+
+
+MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a
+man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?"
+
+MRS. SLIMPURSE--"Yes; but that is no reason why I should let our
+daughter make the same blunder."
+
+
+MAUDE--"Jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold."
+
+ETHEL--"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"
+
+MAUDE--"His creditors."
+
+
+RICH MAN--"Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?"
+
+SUITOR--"Why, certainly!"
+
+RICH MAN--"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in this family."
+
+
+  'Tis better to have lived and loved
+  Than never to have lived at all.
+
+  --_Judge_.
+
+
+May we have those in our arms that we love in our hearts.
+
+
+Here's to love, the only fire against which there is no insurance.
+
+
+  Here's to those that I love;
+  Here's to those who love me;
+  Here's to those who love those that I love.
+  Here's to those who love those who love me.
+
+
+It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is better
+than not to be able to love at all.--_Thackeray_.
+
+
+  Mysterious love, uncertain treasure,
+  Hast thou more of pain or pleasure!
+  *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
+  Endless torments dwell about thee:
+  Yet who would live, and live without thee!
+
+  --_Addison_.
+
+
+    O, love, love, love!
+    Love is like a dizziness;
+  It winna let a poor body
+      Gang about his biziness!
+
+  --_Hogg_.
+
+
+Let the man who does not wish to be idle, fall in love.--_Ovid_.
+
+
+
+
+LOYALTY
+
+
+Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the other
+morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening,
+got into his auto and started for town.
+
+At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began to get
+nervous. When the hour of midnight arrived she could bear the suspense
+no longer, so she aroused her father and sent him off to the telegraph
+office with six telegrams to as many brother Elks living in town, asking
+each if her husband was stopping with him overnight.
+
+Morning came, and the frantic wife had received no intelligence of the
+missing man. As dawn appeared, a farm wagon containing a farmer and the
+derelict husband drove up to the house, while behind the wagon trailed
+the broken-down auto. Almost simultaneously came a messenger boy with an
+answer to one of the telegrams, followed at intervals by five others.
+All of them read:
+
+"Yes, John is spending the night with me."--_Bush Phillips_.
+
+
+BOY--"Come quick, there's a man been fighting my father more'n half an
+hour."
+
+POLICEMAN--"Why didn't you tell me before?"
+
+BOY--"'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few minutes ago."
+
+
+
+
+LUCK
+
+
+Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet
+it.--_Douglas Jerrold_.
+
+
+  O, once in each man's life, at least,
+    Good luck knocks at his door;
+  And wit to seize the flitting guest
+    Need never hunger more.
+  But while the loitering idler waits
+    Good luck beside his fire,
+  The bold heart storms at fortunes gates,
+    And conquers its desire.
+
+  --_Lewis J. Bates_.
+
+
+"Tommy," said his brother, "you're a regular little glutton. How can you
+eat so much?"
+
+"Don't know; it's just good luck," replied the youngster.
+
+
+A negro who was having one misfortune after another said he was having
+as bad luck as the man with only a fork when it was raining soup.
+
+
+_See also_ Windfalls.
+
+
+
+
+MAINE
+
+
+The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what
+the people of different states were called.
+
+"Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; the
+people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from Michigan we know
+as 'Michiganders.' Now, what little boy or girl can tell me what the
+people of Maine are called?"
+
+"I know," said a little girl.
+
+"Well, what are we called?" asked the Governor.
+
+"Maniacs."
+
+
+
+
+MAKING GOOD
+
+
+"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus.
+
+"Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz playin' wif
+him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, an' on blue to see
+him turn blue, an' on green to see him turn green, an' so on. Den de
+fool gal, not satisfied wif lettin' well enough alone, went an' put him
+on a plaid, an' de poor little thing went an' bust himself tryin' to
+make good."
+
+
+_See also_ Success.
+
+
+
+
+MALARIA
+
+
+The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and
+proceeded to ask the usual questions.
+
+"It--er--seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate with scientific
+interest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills appear on alternate
+days. Do you think--is it your opinion--that they have, so to speak,
+decreased in violence, if I may use that word?"
+
+The patient smiled feebly. "Doc," said he, "on fever days my head's so
+hot I can't think, and on ague days I shake so I can't hold an opinion."
+
+
+
+
+MARKS(WO)MANSHIP
+
+
+An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in New
+Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in attempting
+to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came in the shape of
+his wife.
+
+When the woman came up, the dog had fastened his teeth in the calf of
+her husband's leg and was holding on for dear life. Seizing a stone in
+the road, the Irishman's wife was about to hurl it, when the husband,
+with wonderful presence of mind, shouted:
+
+"Mary! Mary! Don't throw the stone at the dog! throw it at me!"
+
+
+  Mary had a little lamb,
+    It's fleece was gone in spots,
+  For Mary fired her father's gun,
+    And lamby caught the shots!
+
+  --_Columbia Jester_.
+
+
+
+
+MARRIAGE
+
+
+MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?"
+
+MRS. SAGG--"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a husband dat's
+skeered to death of her!"
+
+
+"Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of
+fever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had supplied. "Where am
+I--in heaven?"
+
+"No, dear," cooed his wife; "I am still with you."
+
+
+Archbishop Ryan was visiting a small parish in a mining district one day
+for the purpose of administering confirmation, and asked one nervous
+little girl what matrimony is.
+
+"It is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are compelled
+to undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and better world,"
+she said.
+
+"No, no," remonstrated her rector; "that isn't matrimony: that's the
+definition of purgatory."
+
+"Leave her alone," said the Archbishop; "maybe she is right. What do you
+and I know about it?"
+
+
+"Was Helen's marriage a success?"
+
+"Goodness, yes. Why, she is going to marry a nobleman on the
+alimony."--_Judge_.
+
+
+JENNIE--"What makes George such a pessimist?"
+
+JACK--"Well, he's been married three times--once for love, once for
+money and the last time for a home."
+
+
+Matrimony is the root of all evil.
+
+
+One day Mary, the charwoman, reported for service with a black eye.
+
+"Why, Mary," said her sympathetic mistress, "what a bad eye you have!"
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Well, there's one consolation. It might have been worse."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"You might have had both of them hurt."
+
+"Yes'm. Or worse'n that: I might not ha' been married at all."
+
+
+A wife placed upon her husband's tombstone: "He had been married forty
+years and was prepared to die."
+
+
+"I can take a hundred words a minute," said the stenographer.
+
+"I often take more than that," said the prospective employer; "but then
+I have to, I'm married."
+
+
+A man and his wife were airing their troubles on the sidewalk one
+Saturday evening when a good Samaritan intervened.
+
+"See here, my man," he protested, "this sort of thing won't do."
+
+"What business is it of yours, I'd like to know," snarled the man,
+turning from his wife.
+
+"It's only my business in so far as I can be of help in settling this
+dispute," answered the Samaritan mildly.
+
+"This ain't no dispute," growled the man.
+
+"No dispute! But, my dear friend--"
+
+"I tell you it ain't no dispute," insisted the man. "She"--jerking his
+thumb toward the woman--"thinks she ain't goin to get my week's wages,
+and I know darn well she ain't. Where's the dispute in that?"
+
+
+HIS BETTER HALF--"I think it's time we got Lizzie married and settled
+down, Alfred. She will be twenty-eight next week you know."
+
+HER LESSER HALF--"Oh, don't hurry, my dear. Better wait till the right
+sort of man comes along."
+
+HIS BETTER HALF--"But why wait? I didn't!"
+
+
+O'Flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black crape around
+his hat.
+
+"Why, Mike!" exclaimed his wife. "What are ye wearin' thot mournful
+thing for?"
+
+"I'm wearin' it for yer first husband," replied Mike firmly. "I'm sorry
+he's dead."
+
+
+"What a strangely interesting face your friend the poet has," gurgled
+the maiden of forty. "It seems to possess all the elements of happiness
+and sorrow, each struggling for supremacy."
+
+"Yes, he looks to me like a man who was married and didn't know it,"
+growled the Cynical Bachelor.
+
+
+The not especially sweet-tempered young wife of a Kaslo B.C., man one
+day approached her lord concerning the matter of one hundred dollars or
+so.
+
+"I'd like to let you have it, my dear," began the husband, "but the
+fact is I haven't that amount in the bank this morning--that is to say,
+I haven't that amount to spare, inasmuch as I must take up a note for
+two hundred dollars this afternoon."
+
+"Oh, very well, James!" said the wife, with an ominous calmness, "If you
+think the man who holds the note can make things any hotter for you than
+I can--why, do as you say, James!"
+
+
+A young lady entered a book store and inquired of the gentlemanly
+clerk--a married man, by-the-way--if he had a book suitable for an old
+gentleman who had been married fifty years.
+
+Without the least hesitation the clerk reached for a copy of Parkman's
+"A Half Century of Conflict."
+
+
+Smith and Jones were discussing the question of who should be head of
+the house--the man or the woman.
+
+"I am the head of my establishment," said Jones. "I am the bread-winner.
+Why shouldn't I be?"
+
+"Well," replied Smith, "before my wife and I were married we made an
+agreement that I should make the rulings in all major things, my wife in
+all the minor."
+
+"How has it worked?" queried Jones.
+
+Smith smiled. "So far," he replied, "no major matters have come up."
+
+
+A poor lady the other day hastened to the nursery and said to her little
+daughter:
+
+"Minnie, what do you mean by shouting and screaming? Play quietly, like
+Tommy. See, he doesn't make a sound."
+
+"Of course he doesn't," said the little girl. "That is our game. He is
+papa coming home late, and I am you."
+
+
+The stranger advanced toward the door. Mrs. O'Toole stood in the doorway
+with a rough stick in her left hand and a frown on her brow.
+
+"Good morning," said the stranger politely. "I'm looking for Mr.
+O'Toole."
+
+"So'm I," said Mrs. O'Toole, shifting her club over to her other hand.
+
+
+TIM--"Sarer Smith (you know 'er--Bill's missus), she throwed herself
+horf the end uv the wharf larst night."
+
+TOM--"Poor Sarer!"
+
+TIM--"An' a cop fished 'er out again."
+
+TOM--"Poor Bill!"
+
+
+The cooing stops with the honeymoon, but the billing goes on forever.
+
+
+"Well, old man, how did you get along after I left you at midnight. Get
+home all right?"
+
+"No; a confounded nosey policeman haled me to the station, where I spent
+the rest of the night."
+
+"Lucky dog! I reached home."
+
+
+STRANGER--"What's the fight about?"
+
+NATIVE--"The feller on top is Hank Hill wot married the widder Strong,
+an' th' other's Joel Jenks, wot interdooced him to her."--_Life_.
+
+
+A colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and cruelly
+misusing his wife. After hearing the charge against the prisoner, the
+justice turned to the first witness.
+
+"Madam," he said, "if this man were your husband and had given you a
+beating, would you call in the police?"
+
+The woman addressed, a veritable Amazon in size and aggressiveness,
+turned a smiling countenance towards the justice and answered: "No,
+jedge. If he was mah husban', and he treated me lak he did 'is wife, Ah
+wouldn't call no p'liceman. No, sah, Ah'd call de undertaker."
+
+
+We admire the strict impartiality of the judge who recently fined his
+wife twenty-five dollars for contempt of court, but we would hate to
+have been in the judge's shoes when he got home that night.
+
+
+"How many children have you?" asked the census-taker.
+
+The man addressed removed the pipe from his mouth, scratched his head,
+thought it over a moment, and then replied:
+
+"Five--four living and one married."
+
+
+SHE--"How did they ever come to marry?"
+
+HE--"Oh, it's the same old story. Started out to be good friends, you
+know, and later on changed their minds."--_Puck_.
+
+
+Nat Goodwin and a friend were walking along Fifth Avenue one afternoon
+when they stopped to look into a florist's window, in which there was an
+artistic arrangement of exquisite roses.
+
+"What wonderful American Beauties those are, Nat!" said the friend
+delightedly.
+
+"They are, indeed," replied Nat.
+
+"You see, I am very fond of that flower," continued the friend. "In
+fact, I might say it is my favorite. You know, Nat, I married an
+American beauty."
+
+"Well," said Nat dryly, "you haven't got anything on me. I married a
+cluster."
+
+
+"Are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last month?"
+
+"Of course! What's the matter?"
+
+"Well, I thought there might be some mistake, seeing that I've lived a
+dog's life ever since."
+
+
+Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
+of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and
+such as are out wish to get in.--_Emerson_.
+
+
+HOUSEHOLDER--"Here, drop that coat and clear out!"
+
+BURGLAR--"You be quiet, or I'll wake your wife and give her this letter
+I found in your pocket."
+
+
+The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend
+their time in making nets, not in making cages.--_Swift_.
+
+
+_See also_ Church discipline; Domestic finance; Trouble.
+
+
+
+
+MARRIAGE FEES
+
+
+A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand
+for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the consenting
+parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of
+financial resources. The father was obdurate. "No money, no marriage."
+
+"Give me l'ave, your riverence," said the blushing bride, "to go and get
+the money."
+
+It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a
+marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval she returned
+with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the
+satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the newly-made
+wife seemed a little uneasy.
+
+"Anything on your mind, Catherine?" said the father.
+
+"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not
+be spoiled now."
+
+"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder."
+
+"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil the
+marriage?"
+
+"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to do with
+your marriage."
+
+"That aises me mind," said Catherine, "and God bless your riverence.
+There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the lobby and pawned
+it."
+
+
+MANDY--"What foh yo' been goin'to de post-office so reg'lar? Are yo'
+corresponding wif some other female?"
+
+RASTUS--"Nope; but since ah been a-readin' in de papers 'bout dese
+'conscience funds' ah kind of thought ah might possibly git a lettah
+from dat ministah what married us."--_Life_.
+
+
+  The knot was tied; the pair were wed,
+  And then the smiling bridegroom said
+  Unto the preacher, "Shall I pay
+  To you the usual fee today.
+  Or would you have me wait a year
+  And give you then a hundred clear,
+  If I should find the marriage state
+  As happy as I estimate?"
+  The preacher lost no time in thought,
+  To his reply no study brought,
+  There were no wrinkles on his brow:
+  Said he, "I'll take three dollars now."
+
+
+
+
+MATHEMATICS
+
+
+_See_ Arithmetic.
+
+
+
+
+
+MATRIMONY
+
+
+_See_ Marriage.
+
+
+
+
+
+MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
+
+
+"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short
+and stout friend on Washington Street.
+
+"What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other.
+
+"Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to Brother
+Smith's dey are measurin' de house for some new carpets. Dey haven't got
+no yawdstick, and I's just ezactly six feet tall. So to oblige Brother
+Smith, I's been a-layin' down and a-gettin' up all over deir house."
+
+
+
+
+MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
+
+
+PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?"
+
+THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of
+the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a
+perfect kid."
+
+
+
+
+MEDICINE
+
+
+The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor
+came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something
+to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his
+medicine case, gave the animal some powders. The mule switched his tail,
+tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road. The farmer
+looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor.
+
+"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked.
+
+"Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician.
+
+"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. "I've got
+to catch that mule."
+
+
+"I hope you are following my instructions carefully, Sandy--the pills
+three times a day and a drop of whisky at bedtime."
+
+"Weeel, sir, I may be a wee bit behind wi' the pills, but I'm about six
+weeks in front wi' the whusky."
+
+
+Rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon an
+innocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing in a
+western newspaper. He wrote: "Wanted--a gentleman to undertake the sale
+of a patent medicine. The advertiser guarantees it will be profitable to
+the undertaker."
+
+
+I firmly believe that if the whole _materia medico_ could be sunk to the
+bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind and all the
+worse for the fishes.--_O.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+A man's own observation, what he finds good of, and what he finds hurt
+of, is the best physic to preserve health.--_Bacon_.
+
+
+
+
+MEEKNESS
+
+One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all
+the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward
+ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the
+library table, upon which were spread several sheets of paper.
+
+"What are you going to do with all that paper, Henry?" demanded the
+wife.
+
+"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband.
+
+"A wish?"
+
+"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will."
+
+
+
+
+MEMORIALS
+
+Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their
+race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.
+Said the cook:
+
+"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on
+my grave. Jes' plant a good old watermelon-vine; an' when she gits ripe,
+you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes' bus' it on de grave, an'
+let de good old juice dribble down thro' de ground!"
+
+
+"That's rather a handsome mantelpiece you have there, Mr. Binkston,"
+said the visitor.
+
+"Yes," replied Mr. Binkston, proudly. "That is a memorial to my wife."
+
+"Why--I was not aware that Mrs. Binkston had passed away," said the
+visitor sympathetically.
+
+"Oh no, indeed, she hasn't," smiled Mr. Binkston. "She is serving her
+thirtieth sojourn in jail. That mantelpiece is built of the bricks she
+was convicted of throwing."
+
+
+
+
+MEMORY
+
+
+"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a
+drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you
+remember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?"
+
+"No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him, but I done
+fo'got sence I jined de chu'ch."
+
+
+A noted college president, attending a banquet in Boston, was surprised
+to see that the darky who took the hats at the door gave no checks in
+return.
+
+"He has a most wonderful memory," a fellow diner explained. "He's been
+doing that for years and prides himself upon never having made a
+mistake."
+
+As the college president was leaving, the darky passed him his hat.
+
+"How do you know that this one is mine?"
+
+"I don't know it, suh," admitted the darky.
+
+"Then why do you give it to me?"
+
+"'Cause yo' gave it to me, suh."
+
+
+"Tommy," said his mother reprovingly, "what did I say I'd do to you if I
+ever caught you stealing jam again?"
+
+Tommy thoughtfully scratched his head with his sticky fingers.
+
+"Why, that's funny, ma, that you should forget it, too. Hanged if I can
+remember." Smith is a young New York lawyer, clever in many ways, but
+very forgetful. He was recently sent to St. Louis to interview an
+important client in regard to a case then pending in the Missouri
+courts. Later the head of his firm received this telegram from St.
+Louis:
+
+"Have forgotten name of client. Please wire at once."
+
+This was the reply sent from New York:
+
+"Client's name Jenkins. Your name Smith."
+
+
+  When time who steals our years away
+    Shall steal our pleasures too,
+  The mem'ry of the past will stay
+    And half our joys renew.
+
+  --_Moore_.
+
+
+  The heart hath its own memory, like the mind,
+    And in it are enshrined
+  The precious keepsakes, into which is wrought
+    The giver's loving thought.
+
+  --_Longfellow_.
+
+
+
+
+MEN
+
+
+  Here's to the men! God bless them!
+    Worst of me sins, I confess them!
+  In loving them all; be they great or small,
+    So here's to the boys! God bless them!
+
+
+    May all single men be married,
+    And all married men be happy.
+
+
+"What is your ideal man?"
+
+"One who is clever enough to make money and foolish enough to spend it!"
+
+
+I have thought some of Nature's journeymen had made men and not made
+them well, they imitated humanity so abominably.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+    Men are four:
+  He who knows and knows not that he knows,--
+    He is asleep--wake him;
+  He who knows not and knows not that he knows not,--
+    He is a fool--shun him;
+  He who knows not and knows that he knows not,--
+    He is a child--teach him;
+  He who knows and knows that He knows,--
+    He is a king--follow him.
+
+
+_See also_ Dogs; Husbands.
+
+
+
+
+MESSAGES
+
+
+"Have you the rent ready?"
+
+"No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you."
+
+"Did she tell you she'd forgotten?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+
+One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who,
+while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would acquaint his
+wife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the telegraph office and
+sent this message: "Dear Pat, I am saved. Break it gently to my wife."
+
+
+
+
+METAPHOR
+
+
+It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the
+woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out:
+
+"It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of
+the advancing wave that is sounding the clarion of equal rights."
+
+
+A water consumer in Los Angeles, California, whose supply had been
+turned off because he wouldn't pay, wrote to the department as follows:
+
+"In the matter of shutting off the water on unpaid bills, your company
+is fast becoming a regular crystallized Russian bureaucracy, running in
+a groove and deaf to the appeals of reform. There is no use of your
+trying to impugn the verity of this indictment by shaking your official
+heads in the teeth of your own deeds.
+
+"If you will persist in this kind of thing, a widespread conflagration
+of the populace will be so imminent that it will require only a spark to
+let loose the dogs of war in our midst. Will you persist in hurling the
+corner stone of our personal liberty to your wolfish hounds of
+collectors, thirsting for its blood? If you persist, the first thing you
+know you will have the chariot of a justly indignant revolution rolling
+along in our midst and gnashing its teeth as it rolls.
+
+"If your rascally collectors are permitted to continue coming to our
+doors with unblushing footsteps, with cloaks of hypocritical compunction
+in their mouths, and compel payment from your patrons, this policy will
+result in cutting the wool off the sheep that lays the golden egg, until
+you have pumped it dry--and then farewell, a long farewell, to our
+vaunted prosperity."
+
+
+
+
+MICE
+
+
+"What's the matter with Briggs?"
+
+"He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the
+floor."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+
+MIDDLE CLASSES
+
+
+WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?"
+
+PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to
+accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything."
+
+
+
+
+
+MILITANTS
+
+
+_See_ Suffragettes.
+
+
+
+
+
+MILITARY DISCIPLINE
+
+
+Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and
+by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop.
+
+"Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without
+orders."
+
+Murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the ground.
+
+"Murphy!" yelled the sergeant, when he discovered him lying breathless
+on the ground, "you dismounted!"
+
+"I did."
+
+"Did you have orders?"
+
+"I did."
+
+"From headquarters, I suppose?"
+
+"No, sor; from hintquarters."
+
+
+"How dare you come on parade," exclaimed an Irish sergeant to a recruit,
+"before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head to foot in
+graise an' poipe clay? Tell me now--answer me when I spake to yez!"
+
+The recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when the
+sergeant stopped him.
+
+"Dare yez to answer me when I puts a question to yez?" he cried. "Hould
+yer lyin' tongue, and open your face at yer peril! Tell me now, what
+have ye been doin' wid yer uniform an' arms an' bills? Not a word, or
+I'll clap yez in the guardroom. When I axes yez anything an' yez spakes
+I'll have yez tried for insolence to yer superior officer, but if yez
+don't answer when I questions yez, I'll have yez punished for
+disobedience of orders! So, yez see, I have yez both ways!"
+
+
+Mistake, error, is the discipline through which we advance.--_Channing_.
+
+
+
+
+MILLINERS
+
+
+Recipe for a milliner:
+
+  To a presence that's much more than queenly,
+    Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere;
+  You feel like a worm in her sight when she says,
+    "Only $300, my dear!"
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+MILLIONAIRES
+
+
+Recipe for a multi-millionaire:
+
+  Take a boy with bare feet as a starter
+   Add thrift and sobriety, mixed--
+  Flavor with quarts of religion,
+    And see that the tariff is fixed.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)--"Be off with you this minute!"
+
+BEGGAR--"Look 'ere, mister; the only difference between you and me is
+that you are makin' your second million, while I am still workin' at my
+first."
+
+
+"Now that you have made $50,000,000, I suppose you are going to keep
+right on for the purpose of trying to get a hundred millions?"
+
+"No, sir. You do me an injustice. I'm going to put in the rest of my
+time trying to get my conscience into a satisfactory condition."
+
+
+"When I was a young man," said Mr. Cumrox, "I thought nothing of working
+twelve or fourteen hours a day."
+
+"Father," replied the young man with sporty clothes, "I wish you
+wouldn't mention it. Those non-union sentiments are liable to make you
+unpopular."
+
+
+No good man ever became suddenly rich.--_Syrus_.
+
+
+  And all to leave what with his toil he won,
+  To that unfeather'd two-legged thing, a son.
+
+  --_Dryden_.
+
+
+_See also_ Capitalists.
+
+
+
+
+MINORITIES
+
+
+Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his
+plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience:
+
+"What do you think of it?"
+
+This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man in the
+pit assembled his scattered wits and cried:
+
+"Rotten!"
+
+Shaw made a curtsey and melted the house with one of his Irish smiles.
+
+"My friend," he said, shrugging his shoulders and indicating the crowd
+in front, "I quite agree with you, but what are we two against so many?"
+
+
+
+
+MISERS
+
+
+  There was an old man of Nantucket
+  Who kept all his cash in a bucket;
+    But his daughter, named Nan,
+    Ran away with a man--
+  And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
+
+
+A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die rich.--_Robert Burton_.
+
+
+
+
+MISSIONARIES
+
+
+SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!"
+
+HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste in
+religion!"
+
+
+At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a large city
+church a discussion arose among the members present as to the race of
+people that inhabited a far-away land. Some insisted that they were not
+a man-eating people; others that they were known to be cannibals.
+However, the question was finally decided by a minister's widow, who
+said:
+
+"I beg pardon for interrupting, Mrs. Chairman, but I can assure you that
+they are cannibals. My husband was a missionary there and they ate him."
+
+
+
+
+MISSIONS
+
+
+"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as she
+entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing broken
+toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general debris into an open
+box.
+
+"Why, mother," cried Hilda, "can't you see? I'm packing a missionary box
+just the way the ladies do; and it's all right," she added reassuringly,
+"I haven't put in a single thing that's any good at all!"
+
+
+
+
+MISTAKEN IDENTITY
+
+
+  There was a young fellow named Paul,
+  Who went to a fancy dress ball;
+    They say, just for fun
+    He dressed up like a bun,
+  And was "et" by a dog in the hall.
+
+
+A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London, entered a
+bric-a-brac shop, in search of something odd to take home to Scotland
+with her. After she had inspected several articles, but had found none
+to suit her, she noticed a quaint figure, the head and shoulders of
+which appeared above the counter.
+
+"What is that Japanese idol over there worth?" she inquired of the
+salesman.
+
+The salesman's reply was given in a subdued tone:
+
+"About half a million, madam. That's the proprietor!"
+
+
+The late James McNeil Whistler was standing bareheaded in a hat shop,
+the clerk having taken his hat to another part of the shop for
+comparison. A man rushed in with his hat in his hand, and, supposing
+Whistler to be a clerk angrily confronted him.
+
+"See here," he said, "this hat doesn't fit."
+
+Whistler eyed the stranger critically from head to foot, and then
+drawled out:
+
+"Well, neither does your coat. What's more, if you'll pardon my saying
+so, I'll be hanged if I care much for the color of your trousers."
+
+
+The steamer was on the point of leaving, and the passengers lounged on
+the deck and waited for the start. At length one of them espied a
+cyclist in the far distance, and it soon became evident that he was
+doing his level best to catch the boat.
+
+Already the sailors' hands were on the gangways, and the cyclist's
+chance looked small indeed. Then a sportive passenger wagered a
+sovereign to a shilling that he would miss it. The offer was taken, and
+at once the deck became a scene of wild excitement.
+
+"He'll miss it."
+
+"No; he'll just do it."
+
+"Come on!"
+
+"He won't do it."
+
+"Yes, he will. He's done it. Hurrah!"
+
+In the very nick of time the cyclist arrived, sprang off his machine,
+and ran up the one gangway left.
+
+"Cast off!" he cried.
+
+It was the captain.
+
+
+Much to the curious little girl's disgust, her elder sister and her girl
+friends had quickly closed the door of the back parlor, before she could
+wedge her small self in among them.
+
+She waited uneasily for a little while, then she knocked. No response.
+She knocked again. Still no attention. Her curiosity could be controlled
+no longer. "Dodo!" she called in staccato tones as she knocked once
+again. "'Tain't me! It's Mamma!"
+
+
+
+
+MOLLYCODDLES
+
+
+"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's mother,
+who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new boy on the
+block. "I thought you were such good chums."
+
+"We was," replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a mollycoddle. He paid
+t' git into the ball-grounds."
+
+
+
+
+MONEY
+
+
+In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks for
+children.
+
+One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and withdrew 2
+cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly returned the money.
+
+"So you didn't spend your 2 cents?" observed the worker in charge.
+
+"Oh, no," he replied, "but a fellow just likes to have a little cash on
+hand over Sunday."
+
+
+_See also_ Domestic finance.
+
+
+
+
+MORAL EDUCATION
+
+
+Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing
+quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An
+interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other
+who had done nothing.
+
+"Well," replied the pugilistic one, "last Sunday our lesson in
+Sunday-school was about if a fellow hit you on the left cheek turn the
+other and get another crack, and I just wanted to see if Bobbie knew his
+lesson."
+
+
+
+
+MOSQUITOES
+
+
+Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in Oklahoma
+City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he made:
+
+"A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern colonel on a
+fishing-trip. It was his first visit to the South, and the mosquitoes
+were so bothersome that he was unable to sleep, while at the same time
+he could hear his friend snoring audibly.
+
+"The next morning he approached the old darky who was doing the cooking.
+
+"'Jim,' he said, 'how is it the colonel is able to sleep so soundly with
+so many mosquitoes around?'
+
+"'I'll tell yo', boss,' the darky replied, 'de fust part of de night de
+kernel is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de skeeters, and de last part
+of de night de skeeters is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de kernel.'"
+
+
+_See also_ Applause; New Jersey.
+
+
+
+
+MOTHERS
+
+
+While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of General
+Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before a
+plow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never seen. When his eyes
+had feasted on their beauty he cried to the driver: "Hello good fellow!
+I must have those horses. They are just such animals as I have been
+looking for."
+
+The black man grinned, rolled up the whites of his eyes, put the lash to
+the horses' flanks and turned up another furrow in the rich soil.
+
+The officer waited until he had finished the row; then throwing back his
+cavalier cloak the ensign of the rank dazzled the slave's eyes.
+
+"Better see missus! Better see missus!" he cried waving his hand to the
+south, where above the cedar growth rose the towers of a fine old
+Virginia mansion.
+
+The officer turned up the carriage road and soon was rapping the great
+brass knocker of the front door.
+
+Quickly the door swung upon its ponderous hinges and a grave,
+majestic-looking woman confronted the visitor with an air of inquiry.
+
+"Madam," said the officer doffing his cap and overcome by her dignity,
+"I have come to claim your horses in the name of the Government."
+
+"My horses?" said she, bending upon him a pair of eyes born to command.
+"Sir, you cannot have them. My crops are out and I need my horses in the
+field."
+
+"I am sorry," said the officer, "but I must have them, madam. Such are
+the orders of my chief."
+
+"Your chief? Who is your chief, pray?" she demanded with restrained
+warmth.
+
+"The commander of the American army, General George Washington," replied
+the other, squaring his shoulders and swelling his pride.
+
+A smile of triumph softened the sternness of the woman's features. "You
+go and tell General George Washington for me," said she, "that his
+mother says he cannot have her horses."
+
+
+The wagons of "the greatest show on earth" passed up the avenue at
+daybreak. Their incessant rumbling soon awakened ten-year-old Billie and
+five-year-old brother Robert. Their mother feigned sleep as the two
+white-robed figures crept past her bed into the hall, on the way to
+investigate. Robert struggled manfully with the unaccustomed task of
+putting on his clothes. "Wait for me, Billie," his mother heard him beg.
+"You'll get ahead of me."
+
+"Get mother to help you," counseled Billie, who was having troubles of
+his own.
+
+Mother started to the rescue, and then paused as she heard the voice of
+her younger, guarded but anxious and insistent.
+
+"_You_ ask her, Billie. You've known her longer than I have."
+
+
+A little girl, being punished by her mother flew, white with rage, to
+her desk, wrote on a piece of paper, and then going out in the yard she
+dug a hole in the ground, put the paper in it and covered it over. The
+mother, being interested in her child's doings, went out after the
+little girl had gone away, dug up the paper and read:
+
+    _Dear Devil_:
+    Please come and take my mamma away.
+
+
+One morning a little girl hung about the kitchen bothering the busy cook
+to death. The cook lost patience finally. "Clear out o' here, ye sassy
+little brat!" she shouted, thumping the table with a rolling-pin.
+
+The little girl gave the cook a haughty look. "I never allow any one but
+my mother to speak to me like that," she said.
+
+
+The public-spirited lady met the little boy on the street. Something
+about his appearance halted her. She stared at him in her near-sighted
+way.
+
+THE LADY--"Little boy, haven't you any home?"
+
+THE LITTLE BOY--"Oh, yes'm; I've got a home."
+
+THE LADY--"And loving parents?"
+
+THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."
+
+THE LADY--"I'm afraid you do not know what love really is. Do your
+parents look after your moral welfare?"
+
+THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."
+
+THE LADY--"Are they bringing you up to be a good and helpful citizen?"
+
+THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."
+
+THE LADY--"Will you ask your mother to come and hear me talk on 'When
+Does a Mother's Duty to Her Child Begin?' next Saturday afternoon, at
+three o'clock, at Lyceum Hall?"
+
+THE LITTLE BOY (explosively)--"What's th' matter with you ma! Don't you
+know me? I'm your little boy!"
+
+
+  Here's to the happiest hours of my life--
+  Spent in the arms of another man's wife:
+    My mother!
+
+
+                Happy he
+  With such a mother! faith in womankind
+  Beats with his blood, and trust in all things high
+  Comes easy to him, and though he trip and fall,
+  He shall not blind his soul with clay.
+
+  --_Tennyson_.
+
+
+                Women know
+  The way to rear up children (to be just);
+  They know a simple, merry, tender knack
+  Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes,
+  And stringing pretty words that make no sense,
+  And kissing full sense into empty words;
+  Which things are corals to cut life upon,
+  Although such trifles.
+
+  --_E. B. Browning_
+
+
+
+
+MOTHERS-IN-LAW
+
+Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man.
+
+"Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?"
+
+Justice Brewer smiled and answered:
+
+"Two mothers-in-law."
+
+
+SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?"
+
+HE--"By Jove! I hadn't thought of that."
+
+
+WAITER--"Have another glass, sir?"
+
+HUSBAND (to his wife)--"Shall I have another glass, Henrietta?"
+
+WIFE (to her mother)--"Shall he have another, mother?"
+
+
+A blackmailer wrote the following to a wealthy business man: "Send me
+$5,000 or I will abduct your mother-in-law."
+
+To which the business man replied: "Sorry I am short of funds, but your
+proposition interests me."
+
+
+An undertaker telegraphed to a man that his mother-in-law had died and
+asked whether he should bury, embalm or cremate her. The man replied,
+"All three, take no chances."
+
+
+
+
+
+MOTORCYCLES
+
+
+The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community,
+and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without
+any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when a
+motorcycle followed closely in its wake and disappeared like a flash
+around a bend in the road.
+
+"Gee whiz!" he said, turning to his son, "who'd 'a' s'posed that thing
+had a colt?"
+
+
+
+
+
+MOUNTAINS
+
+
+Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having
+victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at long
+range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains. It is
+said that the captain of a steamboat on Kootenay Lake once heard a great
+splash in the water. Looking over the rail, he spied the head of a man
+who was swimming toward his boat. He hailed him. "Do you know," said the
+swimmer, "this is the third time to-day that I've fallen off that bally
+old ranch of mine?"
+
+
+
+
+MOVING PICTURES
+
+
+"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." "Not
+exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. This
+revolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern."
+
+
+
+
+MUCK-RAKING
+
+
+The way of the transgressor is well written up.
+
+
+
+
+MULES
+
+
+Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious
+principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty
+equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known all
+through the army as the Christian brigade, and he was very proud of it.
+
+There was one hardened old sinner in the brigade, however, whose ears
+were deaf to all exhortation. General Howard was particularly anxious to
+convert this man, and one day he went down in the teamsters' part of the
+camp where the man was on duty. He talked with him long and earnestly
+about religion and finally said:
+
+"I want to see you converted. Won't you come to the mourners' bench at
+the next service?"
+
+The erring one rubbed his head thoughtfully for a moment and then
+replied:
+
+"General, I'm plumb willin' to be converted, but if I am, seein' that
+everyone else has got religion, who in blue blazes is goin' to drive the
+mules?"
+
+
+
+
+MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
+
+
+"What's the trouble in Plunkville?"
+
+"We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission."
+
+"Well?"
+
+"Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some good
+magazine."
+
+
+
+
+MUSEUMS
+
+
+It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six
+of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but their
+enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their open-eyed wonder
+at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid her.
+
+"Well, boys, where have you been all afternoon?" asked the father of two
+of the party that evening.
+
+The answer came back with joyous promptness: "Oh, pop! Teacher took us
+to a dead circus."
+
+
+Two Marylanders, who were visiting the National Museum at Washington,
+were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, over which hung a
+placard bearing the inscription. "B.C. 1187."
+
+Both visitors were much mystified thereby. Said one:
+
+"What do you make of that, Bill?"
+
+"Well," said Bill, "I dunno; but maybe it was the number of the
+motor-car that killed him."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+
+
+MUSIC
+
+
+The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano
+player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady who
+stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil.
+
+
+A thief broke into a Madison avenue mansion early the other morning and
+found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching, he took
+refuge behind a screen.
+
+From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.
+
+From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.
+
+From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.
+
+From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.
+
+At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied an
+ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.
+
+The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five, and
+falling at their feet, cried:
+
+"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"
+
+
+A lady told Swinburne that she would render on the piano a very ancient
+Florentine retornello which had just been discovered. She then played
+"Three blind mice" and Swinburne was enchanted. He found that it
+reflected to perfection the cruel beauty of the Medicis--which, perhaps,
+it does.--_Edmund Gosse_.
+
+
+The accomplished and obliging pianist had rendered several selections,
+when one of the admiring group of listeners in the hotel parlor
+suggested Mozart's Twelfth Mass. Several people echoed the request, but
+one lady was particularly desirous of hearing the piece, explaining that
+her husband had belonged to that very regiment.
+
+
+Dinner was a little late. A guest asked the hostess to play something.
+Seating herself at the piano, the good woman executed a Chopin nocturne
+with precision. She finished, and there was still an interval of waiting
+to be bridged. In the grim silence she turned to an old gentleman on her
+right and said:
+
+"Would you like a sonata before going in to dinner?"
+
+He gave a start of surprise and pleasure as he responded briskly:
+
+"Why, yes, thanks! I had a couple on my way here, but I could stand
+another."
+
+
+Music is the universal language of mankind.--_Longfellow_.
+
+
+I even think that, sentimentally, I am disposed to harmony. But
+organically I am incapable of a tune.--_Charles Lamb_.
+
+
+  There's music in the sighing of a reed;
+  There's music in the gushing of a rill;
+  There's music in all things, if men had ears:
+  Their earth is but an echo of the spheres.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+
+
+MUSICIANS
+
+FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to
+your house, as I suggested?"
+
+BOY--"Yes, sir."
+
+FATHER-"And what did he say?"
+
+BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better give
+up playin' the pianner."
+
+
+The "celebrated pianiste," Miss Sharpe, had concluded her recital. As
+the resultant applause was terminating, Mrs. Rochester observed Colonel
+Grayson wiping his eyes. The old gentleman noticed her look, and,
+thinking it one of inquiry, began to explain the cause of his sadness.
+"The girl's playing," he told the lady, "reminded me so much of the
+playing of her father. He used to be a chum of mine in the Army of the
+Potomac."
+
+"Oh, indeed!" cooed Mrs. Rochester, with a conventional show of
+interest. "I never knew her father was a piano-player."
+
+"He wasn't," replied the Colonel. "He was a drummer."--_G.T. Evans_.
+
+
+Recipe for an orchestra leader:
+
+  Four hundred and twenty-two movements--
+    Emanuel, Swedish and Swiss--
+  It's a wonder the hand can keep playing,
+    You'd think they'd die laughing at this!
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+                'Tis God gives skill,
+  But not without men's hands: He could not make
+  Antonio Stradivari's violins
+  Without Antonio.
+
+  --_George Eliot_.
+
+
+
+
+NAMES, PERSONAL
+
+Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He
+was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded,
+"Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?"
+
+"Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.--_John Pearson_.
+
+
+FRIEND-"So your great Russian actor was a total failure?"
+
+MANAGER-"Yes. It took all our profits to pay for running the electric
+light sign with his name on it."--_Puck_.
+
+
+A somewhat unpatriotic little son of Italy, twelve years old, came to
+his teacher in the public school and asked if he could not have his name
+changed.
+
+"Why do you wish to change your name?" the teacher asked.
+
+"I want to be an American. I live in America now. I no longer want to be
+a Dago."
+
+"What American name would you like to have?"
+
+"I have it here," he said, handing the teacher a dirty scrap of paper on
+which was written--Patrick Dennis McCarty.
+
+
+A shy young man once said to a young lady: "I wish dear, that we were on
+such terms of intimacy that you would not mind calling me by my first
+name."
+
+"Oh," she replied, "your second name is good enough for me."
+
+
+An American travelling in Europe engaged a courier. Arriving at an inn
+in Austria, the man asked his servant to enter his name in accordance
+with the police regulations of that country. Some time after, the man
+asked the servant if he had complied with his orders.
+
+"Yes, sir," was the reply.
+
+"How did you write my name?" asked the master.
+
+"Well, sir, I can't pronounce it," answered the servant, "but I copied
+it from your portmanteau, sir."
+
+"Why, my name isn't there. Bring me the book." The register was brought,
+and, instead of the plain American name of two syllables, the following
+entry was revealed:
+
+    "Monsieur Warranted Solid Leather."
+
+--_M.A. Hitchcock_.
+
+
+The story is told of Helen Hunt, the famous author of "Ramona," that
+one morning after church service she found a purse full of money and
+told her pastor about it.
+
+"Very well," he said, "you keep it, and at the evening service I will
+announce it," which he did in this wise:
+
+"This morning there was found in this church a purse filled with money.
+If the owner is present he or she can go to Helen Hunt for it."
+
+And the minister wondered why the congregation tittered!
+
+
+A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the attention of the
+pretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had about given up, the girl,
+entirely unconscious of what had been going on, happened to glance in
+his direction. The "masher" immediately took fresh courage.
+
+"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured.
+
+The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say.
+
+"My name is Specknoodle," he volunteered.
+
+"Oh, I am so sorry," she said sympathetically, as she left the car.
+
+
+The comedian came on with affected diffidence.
+
+"At our last stand," quoth he, "I noticed a man laughing while I was
+doing my turn. Honest, now! My, how he laughed! He laughed until he
+split. Till he split, mind you. Thinks I to myself, I'll just find out
+about the man and so, when the show was over, I went up to him.
+
+"My friend," says I, "I've heard that there's nothing in a name, but are
+you not one of the Wood family?"
+
+"I am," says he, "and what's more, my grandfather was a Pine!"
+
+"No Wood, you know, splits any easier than a Pine."--_Ramsey Benson_.
+
+
+"But Eliza," said the mistress, "your little boy was christened George
+Washington. Why do you call him Izaak Walton? Walton, you know, was the
+famous fisherman."
+
+"Yes'm," answered Eliza, "but dat chile's repetashun fo' telling de
+troof made dat change imper'tive."
+
+
+The mother of the girl baby, herself named Rachel, frankly told her
+husband that she was tired of the good old names borne by most of the
+eminent members of the family, and she would like to give the little
+girl a name entirely different. Then she wrote on a slip of paper
+"Eugénie," and asked her husband if he didn't think that was a pretty
+name.
+
+The father studied the name for a moment and then said: "Vell, call her
+Yousheenie, but I don't see vat you gain by it."
+
+
+  There was a great swell in Japan,
+  Whose name on a Tuesday began;
+    It lasted through Sunday
+    Till twilight on Monday,
+  And sounded like stones in a can.
+
+
+He was a young lawyer who had just started practicing in a small town
+and hung his sign outside of his office door. It read: "A. Swindler." A
+stranger who called to consult him saw the sign and said: "My goodness,
+man, look at that sign! Don't you see how it reads? Put in your first
+name--Alexander, Ambrose or whatever it is."
+
+"Oh, yes I know," said the lawyer resignedly, "but I don't exactly like
+to do it."
+
+"Why not?" asked the client. "It looks mighty bad as it is. What is your
+first name?"
+
+"Adam."
+
+
+  Who hath not own'd, with rapture-smitten frame,
+  The power of grace, the magic of a name.
+
+  --_Campbell_.
+
+
+
+
+NATIVES
+
+
+FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the
+planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet."
+
+FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be very funny,
+Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' your ignorance; they
+ain't natives in France--they're as white as wot we are."--_Sketch_.
+
+
+
+
+NATURE LOVERS
+
+
+"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?"
+
+"What for?"
+
+"For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and he hasn't
+heard a robin this summer."
+
+
+
+
+NAVIGATION
+
+
+The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the
+Captain why he didn't go on.
+
+"Can't see up the river, madam."
+
+"But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the stars overhead."
+
+"Yes, ma'am," said the Captain, "but until the boilers bust we ain't
+goin' that way."
+
+
+
+
+NEATNESS
+
+
+The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common
+remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to
+appreciate their advantages.
+
+A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be another
+side to the matter.
+
+"Martha, have you wiped the sink dry yet?" asked the farmer, as he made
+final preparations for the night.
+
+"Yes, Josiah," she replied. "Why do you ask?"
+
+"Well, I did want a drink, but I guess I can get along until morning."
+
+
+
+
+NEGROES
+
+
+A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o'
+cou't-plaster."
+
+"What color," he asked.
+
+"Flesh cullah, suh."
+
+Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster.
+
+The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous, but her
+face was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents and said:
+
+"I ast for flesh cullah, an' you done give me skin cullah." A cart
+containing a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a mule. The
+driver, a darky of about twenty, was endeavoring to induce the mule to
+increase its speed, when suddenly the animal let fly with its heels and
+dealt him such a kick on the head that he was stretched on the ground in
+a twinkling. He lay rubbing his woolly pate where the mule had kicked
+him.
+
+"Is he hurt?" asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who had
+jumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate driver.
+
+"No, Boss," was the older man's reply; "dat mule will probably walk kind
+o' tendah for a day or two, but he ain't hurt."
+
+
+In certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English with a
+broad brogue. They are probably descended from the slaves of the Irish
+adventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers.
+
+A gentleman from Dublin upon arriving at a West Indian port was accosted
+by a burly negro fruit vender with, "Th, top uv th' mornin' to ye, an'
+would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit, sor?"
+
+The Irishman stared at him in amazement.
+
+"An' how long have ye been here?" he finally asked.
+
+"Goin' on three months, yer Honor," said the vender, thinking of the
+time he had left his inland home.
+
+"Three months, is it? Only three months an' as black as thot? Faith,
+I'll not land!"
+
+
+Dinah, crying bitterly, was coming down the street with her feet
+bandaged.
+
+"Why, what on earth's the matter?" she was asked. "How did you hurt your
+feet, Dinah?"
+
+"Dat good fo' nothin' nigger [sniffle] done hit me on de haid wif a club
+while I was standin' on de hard stone pavement."
+
+
+"'Liza, what fo' yo' buy dat udder box of shoe-blacknin'?"
+
+"Go on, Nigga', dat ain't shoe-blacknin', dat's ma massage cream!"
+
+
+"Johnny," said the mother as she vigorously scrubbed the small boy's
+face with soap and water, "didn't I tell you never to blacken your face
+again? Here I've been scrubbing for half an hour and it won't come off."
+
+"I--I--ouch!" sputtered the small boy; "I ain't your little boy.
+I--ouch! I'se Mose, de colored lady's little boy."
+
+
+The day before she was to be married an old negro servant came to her
+mistress and intrusted her savings to her keeping.
+
+"Why should I keep your money for you? I thought you were going to be
+married?" said the mistress.
+
+"So I is, Missus, but do you 'spose I'd keep all dis yer money in de
+house wid dat strange nigger?"
+
+
+A southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. George
+received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his eyes on
+a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out fast enough
+to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters somewhat by rubbing
+grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the spot, he called George and
+asked if he had noticed it. George said, "Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed
+dat spot and tried mighty hard to get it out, but I couldn't."
+
+"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked.
+
+"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good."
+
+"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?"
+
+"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but dat
+spot wouldn't come out."
+
+"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a last
+resort.
+
+"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit."
+
+
+A negro went into a hardware shop and asked to be shown some razors, and
+after critically examining those submitted to him the would-be purchaser
+was asked why he did not try a "safety," to which he replied: "I ain'
+lookin' for that kind. I wants this for social purposes."
+
+
+Before a house where a colored man had died, a small darkey was standing
+erect at one side of the door. It was about time for the services to
+begin, and the parson appeared from within and said to the darkey: "De
+services are about to begin. Aren't you a-gwine in?"
+
+"I'se would if I'se could, parson," answered the little negro, "but yo'
+see I'se de crape."
+
+
+_See also_ Chicken stealing.
+
+
+
+
+NEIGHBORS
+
+
+THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner."
+
+THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
+
+THE MAN--"I know it, lady; the neighbors did."
+
+
+
+
+NEW JERSEY
+
+
+"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and mosquitoes
+swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner who had been
+cast upon the Jersey sands.
+
+"You just bet I had a terrible experience," he acknowledged. "My
+experience was worse than that of the man who wrote 'Water, water
+everywhere, but not a drop to drink.' With me it was bites, bites
+everywhere, but not a bite to eat."
+
+
+
+
+NEW YORK CITY
+
+
+At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the Bishop of
+New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and possibilities
+of his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like all good
+Californians, is imbued with the conviction that it would be hard to
+equal a place he knows of on the Pacific, and following the Bishop of
+New York he gave a glowing picture of California, concluding:
+
+"Not only is it the best place on earth to live in, but it has superior
+advantages, too, as a place to die in; for there we have at our
+threshold the beautiful Golden Gate, while in New York they only
+have--well, you know which gate it is over at New York!" One night Dave
+Warfield was playing at David Belasco's new theatre, supported by one of
+Mr. Belasco's new companies. The performance ran with a smoothness of a
+Standard Oil lawyer explaining rebates to a Federal court. A worthy
+person of the farming classes, sitting in G 14, was plainly impressed.
+In an interval between the acts he turned to the metropolitan who had
+the seat next him.
+
+"Where do all them troopers come from?" he inquired.
+
+"I don't think I understand," said the city-dweller.
+
+"I mean them actors up yonder on the stage," explained the man from
+afar. "Was they brought on specially for this show, or do they live
+here?"
+
+"I believe most of them live here in town," said the New Yorker.
+
+"Well, they do purty blamed well for home talent," said the stranger.
+
+
+A traveler in Tennessee came across an aged negro seated in front of his
+cabin door basking in the sunshine.
+
+"He could have walked right on the stage for an Uncle Tom part without a
+line of makeup," says the traveler. "He must have been eighty years of
+age."
+
+"Good morning, uncle," says the stranger.
+
+"Mornin', sah! Mornin'," said the aged one. Then he added, "Be you the
+gentleman over yonder from New York?"
+
+Being told that such was the case the old darky said; "Do you mind
+telling me something that has been botherin' my old haid? I have got a
+grandson--he runs on the Pullman cyars--and he done tell me that up thar
+in New York you-all burn up youah folks when they die. He is a poherful
+liar, and I don't believe him."
+
+"Yes," replied the other, "that is the truth in some cases. We call it
+cremation."
+
+"Well, you suttenly surprise me," said the negro and then he paused as
+if in deep reflection. Finally he said: "You-all know I am a Baptist. I
+believe in the resurrection and the life everlastin' and the coming of
+the Angel Gabriel and the blowin' of that great horn, and Lawdy me, how
+am they evah goin' to find them folks on that great mawnin'?"
+
+It was too great a task for an offhand answer, and the suggestion was
+made that the aged one consult his minister. Again the negro fell into a
+brown study, and then he raised his head and his eyes twinkled merrily,
+and he said in a soft voice:
+
+"Meanin' no offense, sah, but from what Ah have heard about New York I
+kinder calcerlate they is a lot of them New York people that doan'
+wanter be found on that mornin'."
+
+
+
+
+NEWS
+
+
+Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg,
+Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of
+newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught there.
+Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, he cried,
+"Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all the news
+out!"--_Sue M.M. Halsey_.
+
+
+"Our whole neighborhood has been stirred up," said the regular reader.
+
+The editor of the country weekly seized his pen. "Tell me about it," he
+said. "What we want is news. What stirred it up?"
+
+"Plowing," said the farmer.
+
+
+There is nothing new except what is forgotten.--_Mademoiselle Berlin_.
+
+
+
+
+NEWSPAPERS
+
+
+A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of
+newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you tired,
+my boy?"
+
+"Naw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad.
+
+
+VOX POPULI--"Do you think you've boosted your circulation by giving a
+year's subscription for the biggest potato raised in the county?"
+
+THE EDITOR--"Mebbe not; but I got four barrels of samples."
+
+
+COLONEL HIGHFLYER--"What are your rates per column?"
+
+EDITOR OF "SWELL SOCIETY"--"For insertion or suppression?"--_Life_.
+
+
+EDITOR--"You wish a position as a proofreader?"
+
+APPLICANT--"Yes, sir."
+
+"Do you understand the requirements of that responsible position?"
+
+"Perfectly, sir. Whenever you make any mistakes in the paper, just blame
+'em on me, and I'll never say a word."
+
+
+A prominent Montana newspaper man was making the round of the insane
+asylum of that state in an official capacity as an inspector. One of the
+inmates mistook him for a recent arrival.
+
+"What made you go crazy?"
+
+"I was trying to make money out of the newspaper business," replied the
+editor, to humor the demented one.
+
+"Rats, you're not crazy; you're just a plain darn fool," was the
+lunatic's comment.
+
+
+"Did you write this report on my lecture, 'The Curse of Whiskey'?"
+
+"Yes, madam."
+
+"Then kindly explain what you mean by saying, 'The lecturer was
+evidently full of her subject!'"
+
+
+We clip the following for the benefit of those who doubt the power of
+the press:
+
+"Owing to the overcrowded condition of our columns, a number of births
+and deaths are unavoidably postponed this week."
+
+
+"Binks has sued us for libel," announced the assistant editor of the
+sensational paper.
+
+The managing editor's face brightened.
+
+"Tell him," he said, "that if he will put up a strong fight we'll
+cheerfully pay the damages and charge them up to the advertising
+account."
+
+
+Booth Tarkington says that in no state have the newspapers more
+"journalistic enterprise" than in his native Indiana. While stopping at
+a little Hoosier hotel in the course of a hunting trip Mr. Tarkington
+lost one of his dogs.
+
+"Have you a newspaper in town?" he asked of the landlord.
+
+"Right across the way, there, back of the shoemaker's," the landlord
+told him. "The _Daily News_--best little paper of its size in the
+state."
+
+The editor, the printer, and the printer's devil were all busy doing
+justice to Mr. Tarkington with an "in-our-midst" paragraph when the
+novelist arrived.
+
+"I've just lost a dog," Tarkington explained after he had introduced
+himself, "and I'd like to have you insert this ad for me: 'Fifty dollars
+reward for the return of a pointer dog answering to the name of Rex.
+Disappeared from the yard of the Mansion House Monday night.'"
+
+"Why, we are just going to press, sir," the editor said, "but we'll be
+only too glad to hold the edition for your ad."
+
+Mr. Tarkington returned to the hotel. After a few minutes he decided,
+however, that it might be well to add, "No questions asked" to his
+advertisement, and returned to the _Daily News_ office.
+
+The place was deserted, save for the skinny little freckle-faced devil,
+who sat perched on a high stool, gazing wistfully out of the window.
+
+"Where is everybody?" Tarkington asked.
+
+"Gawn to hunt for th' dawg," replied the boy.
+
+
+"You are the greatest inventor in the world," exclaimed a newspaper man
+to Alexander Graham Bell.
+
+"Oh, no, my friend, I'm not," said Professor Bell. "I've never been a
+reporter."
+
+
+Not long ago a city editor in Ottumwa, Iowa, was told over the telephone
+that a prominent citizen had just died suddenly. He called a reporter
+and told him to rush out and get the "story." Twenty minutes later the
+reporter returned, sat down at his desk, and began to rattle off copy on
+his typewriter.
+
+"Well, what about it?" asked the city editor.
+
+"Oh, nothing much," replied the reporter, without looking up. "He was
+walking along the street when he suddenly clasped his hands to his heart
+and said, 'I'm going to die!' Then he leaned up against a fence and made
+good."
+
+
+Enraged over something the local newspaper had printed about him, a
+subscriber burst into the editor's office in search of the responsible
+reporter. "Who are you?" he demanded, glaring at the editor, who was
+also the main stockholder.
+
+"I'm the newspaper," was the calm reply.
+
+"And who are you?" he next inquired, turning his resentful gaze on the
+chocolate-colored office-devil clearing out the waste basket.
+
+"Me?" rejoined the darky, grinning from ear to ear. "Ah guess ah's de
+cul'ud supplement."
+
+
+Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand
+bayonets.--_Napoleon I_.
+
+
+Newspapers always excite curiosity. No one ever lays one down without a
+feeling of disappointment.--_Charles Lamb_.
+
+
+
+
+OBESITY
+
+
+_See_ Corpulence.
+
+
+
+
+OBITUARIES
+
+
+If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps,
+corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a sign that you
+are not well, but liable to die any minute. Pay your subscription in
+advance and thus make yourself solid for a good obituary
+notice.--_Mountain Echo_.
+
+
+_See_ also Epitaphs.
+
+
+
+
+OBSERVATION
+
+
+In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious
+father tried to give some good advice.
+
+"Be observing, my son," said the father on one occasion. "Cultivate the
+habit of seeing, and you will be a successful man. Study things and
+remember them. Don't go through the world blindly. Learn to use your
+eyes. Boys who are observing know a great deal more than those who are
+not."
+
+Willie listened in silence.
+
+Several days later when the entire family, consisting of his mother,
+aunt and uncle, were present, his father said:
+
+"Well, Willie, have you kept using your eyes as I advised you to do?"
+
+Willie nodded, and after a moment's hesitation said:
+
+"I've seen a few things right around the house. Uncle Jim's got a bottle
+of hair dye hid under his trunk, Aunt Jennie's got an extra set of teeth
+in her dresser, Ma's got some curls in her hat, and Pa's got a deck of
+cards and a box of chips behind the books in the secretary."
+
+
+
+
+OCCUPATIONS
+
+
+Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was
+entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter inquired:
+
+"An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?"
+
+"Sure, he's a di'mond-cuttter."
+
+"Ye don't mane it!"
+
+"Yis; he cuts th' grass off th' baseball grounds."--_L.F. Clarke_.
+
+
+All business men are apt to use the technical terms of their daily
+labors in situations outside of working hours. One time a railroad man
+was entertaining his pastor at dinner and his sons, who had to wait
+until their elders had finished got into mischief. At the end of the
+meal, their father excused himself for a moment saying he had to "switch
+some empties."
+
+
+"Professor," said Miss Skylight, "I want you to suggest a course in life
+for me. I have thought of journalism--"
+
+"What are your own inclinations?"
+
+"Oh, my soul yearns and throbs and pulsates with an ambition to give the
+world a life-work that shall be marvelous in its scope, and weirdly
+entrancing in the vastness of its structural beauty!"
+
+"Woman, you're born to be a milliner."
+
+
+A woman, when asked her husband's occupation, said he was a mixologist.
+The city directory called him a bartender.
+
+
+"A good turkey dinner and mince pie," said a well-known after-dinner
+orator, "always puts us in a lethargic mood--makes us feel, in fact,
+like the natives of Nola Chucky. In Nola Chucky one day I said to a man:
+
+"'What is the principal occupation of this town?'
+
+"'Wall, boss,' the man answered, yawning, 'in winter they mostly sets on
+the east side of the house and follers the sun around to the west, and
+in summer they sets on the west side and follers the shade around to the
+east.'"
+
+
+JONES--"How'd this happen? The last time I was here you were running a
+fish-market, and now you've got a cheese-shop."
+
+SMITH--"Yes. Well, you see the doctor said I needed a change of air."
+
+
+The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a
+grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for
+with a great deal of enjoyment--_Douglas Jerrold_.
+
+
+
+
+OCEAN
+
+
+A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down
+from Boston.
+
+"Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning.
+
+"Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the ocean kept
+me awake all night."
+
+
+Love the sea? I dote upon it--from the beach.--_Douglas Jerrold_.
+
+
+  I never was on the dull, tame shore,
+  But I loved the great sea more and more.
+
+  --_Barry Cornwall_.
+
+
+
+
+OFFICE BOYS
+
+
+"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?"
+
+"I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three
+mining-companies now."
+
+
+
+
+OFFICE-SEEKERS
+
+
+A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented in
+Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the national
+capitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose to be
+sufficiently prominent to become a congressional subject, and he was
+visited by the central committee of his district to be talked to.
+
+"We want you," said the spokesman, "to accept the nomination for
+Congress."
+
+"I can't do it, gentlemen," he responded promptly.
+
+"You must," the spokesman demanded.
+
+"But I can't," he insisted. "I'm too poor."
+
+"Oh, that will be all right; we've got plenty of money for the
+campaign."
+
+"But that is nothing," contended the gentleman; "it's the expense in
+Washington. I've been there, and know all about it."
+
+"Well you didn't lose by it, and it doesn't cost any more because you
+come from California."
+
+The gentleman became very earnest.
+
+"Doesn't it?" he exclaimed in a business-like tone. "Why my dear sirs, I
+used to have to send home every month about half a dozen busted
+office-seeker constituents, and the fare was only $3 apiece, and I could
+stand it, but it would cost me over $100 a head to send them out here,
+and I'm no millionaire; therefore, as much as I regret it, I must insist
+on declining."
+
+
+"On a trip to Washington," said Col. W.F. Cody. "I had for a companion
+Sousa, the band leader. We had berths opposite each other. Early one
+morning as we approached the capital I thought I would have a little
+fun. I got a morning paper, and, after rustling it a few minutes, I said
+to Sousa:
+
+"'That's the greatest order Cleveland has just issued!'
+
+"'What's that?' came from the opposite berth.
+
+"'Why he's ordered all the office-seekers rounded up at the depot and
+sent home.'
+
+"You should have seen the general consternation that ensued. From almost
+every berth on the car a head came out from between the curtains, and
+with one accord nearly every man shouted:
+
+'What's that?'"
+
+
+
+
+OLD AGE
+
+
+_See_ Age.
+
+
+
+
+OLD MASTERS
+
+
+_See_ Paintings.
+
+
+
+
+ONIONS
+
+
+  Can the Burbanks of the glorious West
+    Either make or buy or sell
+  An onion with an onion's taste
+    But with a violet's smell?
+
+
+SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away."
+
+HE--"Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away."
+
+
+
+
+OPERA
+
+
+"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs.
+Cumrox.
+
+"There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband.
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then I guess it's one of them."
+
+
+
+
+OPPORTUNITY
+
+
+Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities.--_Life_.
+
+
+  Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis offer'd,
+  Shall never find it more.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+  In life's small things be resolute and great
+  To keep thy muscles trained; know'st thou when fate
+  Thy measure takes? or when she'll say to thee,
+  "I find thee worthy, do this thing for me!"
+
+  --_Emerson_.
+
+
+
+
+OPTIMISM
+
+
+Optimism is Worry on a spree.--_Judge_.
+
+
+An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't
+happen to him.
+
+
+An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him.--_J.J.
+O'Connell_.
+
+
+An optimist is a woman who thinks that everything is for the best, and
+that she is the best.-_Judge_.
+
+
+A political optimist is a fellow who can make sweet, pink lemonade out
+of the bitter yellow fruit which his opponents hand him.
+
+
+Mayor William S. Jordan, at a Democratic banquet in Jacksonville, said
+of optimism:
+
+"Let us cultivate optimism and hopefulness. There is nothing like it.
+The optimistic man can see a bright side to everything--everything.
+
+"A missionary in a slum once laid his hand on a man's shoulder and said:
+
+"'Friend, do you hear the solemn ticking of that clock? Tick-tack;
+tick-tack. And oh, friend, do you know what day it inexorably and
+relentlessly brings nearer?"
+
+"'Yes-pay day,' the other, an honest, optimistic workingman, replied."
+
+
+A Scotsman who has a keen appreciation of the strong characteristics of
+his countrymen delights in the story of a druggist known both for his
+thrift and his philosophy.
+
+Once he was aroused from a deep sleep by the ringing of his night bell.
+He went down to his little shop and sold a dose of rather nauseous
+medicine to a distressed customer.
+
+"What profit do you make out of that?" grumbled his wife.
+
+"A ha'penny," was the cheerful answer.
+
+"And for that bit of money you'll lie awake maybe an hour," she said
+impatiently.
+
+"Never grumble o'er that, woman," was his placid answer. "The dose will
+keep him awake all night. We must thank heaven we ha' the profit and
+none o' the pain o' this transaction."
+
+
+A German shoemaker left the gas turned on in his shop one night and upon
+arriving in the morning struck a match to light it.
+
+There was a terrific explosion, and the shoemaker was blown out through
+the door almost to the middle of the street.
+
+A passer-by rushed to his assistance, and, after helping him to rise,
+inquired if he was injured.
+
+The little German gazed at his place of business, which was now burning
+quite briskly, and said:
+
+"No, I ain't hurt. But I got out shust in time, eh?"
+
+
+  My own hope is, a sun will pierce
+  The thickest cloud earth ever stretched;
+  That, after Last, returns the First,
+  Tho' a wide compass round be fetched;
+  That what began best, can't prove worst,
+  Nor what God blessed once, prove accursed.
+
+  --_Browning_.
+
+
+
+
+ORATORS
+
+
+It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on the
+streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh, of the
+conco's befor' the co't house?"
+
+To which the majah replied:
+
+"General Buckneh is making a speech. General Buckneh suh, is a bo'n
+oratah."
+
+"What do you mean by bo'n oratah?"
+
+"If you or I, suh, were asked how much two and two make, we would reply
+'foh.' When this is asked of a bo'n oratah, he replies: 'When in the
+co'se of human events it becomes necessary to take an integah of the
+second denomination and add it, suh, to an integah of the same
+denomination, the result, suh--and I have the science of mathematics to
+back me up in my judgment--the result, suh, and I say it without feah of
+successful contradiction, suh-the result is fo'' That's a bo'n oratah."
+
+
+When Demosthenes was asked what was the first part of Oratory, he
+answered, "Action," and which was the second, he replied, "Action," and
+which was the third, he still answered "Action."--_Plutarch_.
+
+
+
+
+OUTDOOR LIFE
+
+
+One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled into
+Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinners," to a
+man, repaired to the Combination Gambling House and proceeded to load
+themselves. Late in the afternoon, Zeb White, Smith's oldest skinner,
+having exchanged all of his hard coin for liquid refreshment, zigzagged
+into the corral, crawled under a wagon, and went to sleep. After supper,
+Smith, making his nightly rounds, happened on the sleeping Zeb.
+
+"Kinder chilly, ain't it?" he asked, after earnestly prodding Zeb with a
+convenient stick.
+
+"I reckon 'tis," Zeb drowsily mumbled.
+
+"Ain't yer 'fraid ye'll freeze?"
+
+'"Tis cold, ain't it? Say, Cap, jest throw on another wagon, will yer?"
+
+
+
+
+PAINTING
+
+
+_See_ Art.
+
+
+
+
+PAINTINGS
+
+
+She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed
+in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening
+her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the best
+room. "These," said the mistress of the house, pausing before an
+extensive row of masculine portraits, "are very valuable, and you must
+be very careful when dusting. They are old masters." Mary's jaw dropped,
+and a look of intense wonder overspread her rubicund face.
+
+"Lor', mum," she gasped, gazing with bulging eyes on the face of her new
+employer, "lor', mum, who'd ever 'ave thought you'd been married all
+these times!"
+
+
+A picture is a poem without words.--_Cornificus_.
+
+
+
+
+PANICS
+
+
+One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible
+odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent,
+when an actor appeared on the stage.
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is no
+danger."
+
+The audience did not seem reassured.
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen," continued the comedian, rising to the necessity
+of the occasion, "confound it all--do you think if there was any danger
+I'd be here?"
+
+The panic collapsed.
+
+
+
+
+PARENTS
+
+
+William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting
+while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for
+their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his mother, and, patting her
+on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear, I love you."
+
+"Don't you love me too?" asked his father.
+
+Without glancing at him, William said disdainfully, "The wire's busy."
+
+
+"What does your mother say when you tell her those dreadful lies?"
+
+"She says I take after father."
+
+
+"A little lad was desperately ill, but refused to take the medicine the
+doctor had left. At last his mother gave him up.
+
+"Oh, my boy will die; my boy will die," she sobbed.
+
+But a voice spoke from the bed, "Don't cry, mother. Father'll be home
+soon and he'll make me take it."
+
+
+Mrs. White was undoubtedly the disciplinarian of the family. The master
+of the house, a professor, and consequently a very busy man, was
+regarded by the children as one of themselves, subject to the laws of
+"Mother."
+
+Mrs. White had been ill for some weeks and although the father felt that
+the children were showing evidence of running wild, he seemed powerless
+to correct the fault. One evening at dinner, however, he felt obliged to
+reprimand Marion severely.
+
+"Marion," he said, sternly, "stop that at once, or I shall take you from
+the table and punish you soundly."
+
+He experienced a feeling of profound satisfaction in being able to thus
+reprove when it was necessary and glanced across the table expecting to
+see a very demure little miss. Instead, Marion and her little brother
+exchanged glances and then simultaneously a grin overspread their faces,
+while Marion said in a mirthful tone:
+
+"Oh, Francis, hear father trying to talk like mother!"
+
+
+Robert has lately acquired a stepmother. Hoping to win his affection
+this new parent has been very lenient with him, while his father,
+feeling his responsibility, has been unusually strict. The boys of the
+neighborhood, who had taken pains to warn Robert of the terrible
+character of stepmothers in general, recently waited on him in a body,
+and the following conversation was overheard:
+
+"How do you like your stepmother, Bob?"
+
+"Like her! Why fellers, I just love her. All I wish is I had a
+stepfather, too."
+
+
+"Well, Bobby, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
+
+BOBBY (remembering private seance in the wood-shed)--"A orphan."
+
+
+Little Eleanor's mother was an American, while her father was a German.
+
+One day, after Eleanor had been subjected to rather severe disciplinary
+measures at the hands of her father, she called her mother into another
+room, closed the door significantly, and said: "Mother, I don't want to
+meddle in your business, but I wish you'd send that husband of yours
+back to Germany."
+
+
+The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation of a
+brief. So bent was he on his work that he did not hear the door as it
+was pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was thrust into his
+office. A little sob attracted his notice, and, turning he saw a face
+that was streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings had been
+hurt.
+
+"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?"
+
+"Are you a lawyer?"
+
+"Yes. What do you want?"
+
+"I want"--and there was resolute ring in his voice--"I want a divorce
+from my papa and mama."
+
+
+
+
+PARROTS
+
+
+Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking
+down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing.
+Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird turned quickly,
+screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" Pat shied off like a frightened
+horse, lifting his hat and bowing politely as he stuttered out:
+"Ex-excuse me s-sir, I thought you was a burrd!"
+
+
+
+
+PARTNERSHIP
+
+
+A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his
+business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resisting
+between me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm
+will settle wid me, and dem what de firm owes will settle wid Mose."
+
+
+
+
+PASSWORDS
+
+"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years
+rented a safety-deposit box.
+
+"Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?"
+
+"Gladys."
+
+"And what do you wish the new one to be?"
+
+"Mabel. Gladys has gone to Reno."
+
+
+Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent around
+the Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on the floor,
+conducted him to the Senate gallery.
+
+After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery door-keeper and
+said: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He brought me
+here and I want to go out and look around a bit. I though I would tell
+you so I can get back in."
+
+"That's all right," said the doorkeeper, "but I may not be here when you
+return. In order to prevent any mistake I will give you the password so
+you can get your seat again."
+
+Swate's eyes rather popped out at this. "What's the word?" he asked.
+
+"Idiosyncrasy."
+
+"What?"
+
+"Idiosyncrasy."
+
+"I guess I'll stay in," said Swate.
+
+
+
+
+PATIENCE
+
+
+"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately."
+
+"Yes, he is, very."
+
+"What is the matter with him?"
+
+"He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit
+patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait."
+
+
+
+
+PATRIOTISM
+
+
+General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following
+story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a
+dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his head
+bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him. He was soliloquizing in
+this manner:
+
+"I love my country. I'd fight for my country. I'd starve and go thirsty
+for my country. I'd die for my country. But if ever this damn war is
+over I'll never love another country!"
+
+
+A snobbish young Englishman visiting Washington's home at Mount Vernon
+was so patronizing as to arouse the wrath of guards and caretakers; but
+it remained for "Shep" Wright, an aged gardener and one of the first
+scouts of the Confederate army, to settle the gentleman. Approaching
+"Shep," the Englishman said:
+
+"Ah--er--my man, the hedge! Yes, I see, George got this hedge from dear
+old England."
+
+"Reckon he did," replied "Shep". "He got this whole blooming country
+from England."
+
+
+Speaking of the policy of the Government of the United States with
+respect to its troublesome neighbors in Central and South America,
+"Uncle Joe" Cannon told of a Missouri congressman who is decidedly
+opposed to any interference in this regard by our country. It seems that
+this spring the Missourian met an Englishman at Washington with whom he
+conversed touching affairs in the localities mentioned. The westerner
+asserted his usual views with considerable forcefulness, winding up with
+this observation:
+
+"The whole trouble is that we Americans need a ---- good licking!"
+
+"You do, indeed!" promptly asserted the Britisher, as if pleased by the
+admission. But his exultation was of brief duration, for the Missouri
+man immediately concluded with:
+
+"But there ain't nobody can do it!"
+
+
+A number of Confederate prisoners, during the Civil War, were detained
+at one of the western military posts under conditions much less
+unpleasant than those to be found in the ordinary military prison. Most
+of them appreciated their comparatively good fortune. One young fellow,
+though, could not be reconciled to association with Yankees under any
+circumstances, and took advantage of every opportunity to express his
+feelings. He was continually rubbing it in about the battle of
+Chickamauga, which had just been fought with such disastrous results for
+the Union forces.
+
+"Maybe we didn't eat you up at Chickamauga!" was the way he generally
+greeted a bluecoat.
+
+The Union men, when they could stand it no longer, reported the matter
+to General Grant. Grant summoned the prisoner.
+
+"See here," said Grant, "I understand that you are continually insulting
+the men here with reference to the battle of Chickamauga. They have
+borne with you long enough, and I'm going to give you your choice of two
+things. You will either take the oath of allegiance to the United
+States, or be sent to a Northern prison. Choose."
+
+The prisoner was silent for some time. "Well," he said at last, in a
+resigned tone, "I reckon, General, I'll take the oath."
+
+The oath was duly administered. Turning to Grant, the fellow then asked,
+very penitently, if he might speak.
+
+"Yes," said the general indifferently. "What is it?"
+
+"Why, I was just thinkin', General," he drawled, "they certainly did
+give us hell at Chickamauga."
+
+
+Historical controversies are creeping into the schools. In a New York
+public institution attended by many races, during an examination in
+history the teacher asked a little chap who discovered America.
+
+He was evidently thrown into a panic and hesitated, much to the
+teacher's surprise, to make any reply.
+
+"Oh, please, ma'am," he finally stammered, "ask me somethin' else."
+
+"Something else, Jimmy? Why should I do that?"
+
+"The fellers was talkin' 'bout it yesterday," replied Jimmy, "Pat McGee
+said it was discovered by an Irish saint. Olaf, he said it was a sailor
+from Norway, and Giovanni said it was Columbus, an' if you'd a-seen what
+happened you wouldn't ask a little feller like me."
+
+
+Our country! When right to be kept right; when wrong to be put
+right!--_Carl Schurz_.
+
+
+Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she always be
+in the right; but our country, right or wrong.--_Stephen Decatur_.
+
+
+There are no points of the compass on the chart of true
+patriotism.--_Robert C. Winthrop_.
+
+
+Patriotic exercises and flag worship will avail nothing unless the
+states give to their people of the kind of government that arouses
+patriotism.--_Franklin Pierce II_.
+
+
+
+
+PENSIONS
+
+
+WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace."
+
+GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that
+in case of war the winner pays the pensions."--_Puck_.
+
+
+"Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inquired Mrs. McClane
+of an old colored woman in West Virginia.
+
+"'Deed, Miss Ellie," replied the old woman earnestly, "dat daid nigger's
+wuth moah to me dan a live one. I gits a pension."--_Edith Howell
+Armor_.
+
+
+If England had a system of pensions like ours, we should see that "all
+that was left of the Noble Six Hundred" was six thousand pensioners.
+
+
+
+
+PESSIMISM
+
+
+A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist.--_Francis Wilson_.
+
+
+  How happy are the Pessimists!
+    A bliss without alloy
+  Is theirs when they have proved to us
+    There's no such thing as joy!
+
+  --_Harold Susman_.
+
+
+A pessimist is one who, of two evils, chooses them both.
+
+
+"I had a mighty queer surprise this morning," remarked a local stock
+broker. "I put on my last summer's thin suit on account of this
+extraordinary hot weather, and in one of the trousers pockets I found a
+big roll of bills which I had entirely forgotten."
+
+"Were any of them receipted?" asked a pessimist.
+
+
+To tell men that they cannot help themselves is to fling them into
+recklessness and despair.--_Fronde_.
+
+
+  With earth's first clay they did the last man knead,
+  And there of the last harvest sowed the seed:
+  And the first morning of creation wrote
+  What the last dawn of reckoning shall read.
+
+  Yesterday this day's madness did prepare;
+  Tomorrow's silence, triumph, or despair.
+  Drink! For you know not whence you came, nor why;
+  Drink! For you know not why you go, nor where.
+
+  --_Omar Khayyam_
+
+
+
+
+PHILADELPHIA
+
+
+A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in the
+borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of
+transplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap for a few weeks. They
+were discussing their plans the other day, when the oldest boy, aged
+eight, looked up from his geography and said:
+
+"Pop, Philadelphia is on the Delaware River, isn't it?"
+
+Pop replied that such was the case.
+
+"I wonder if that's what makes the Delaware Water Gap?" insinuated the
+youngster.--_S.S. Stinson_.
+
+
+Among the guests at an informal dinner in New York was a bright
+Philadelphia girl.
+
+"These are snails," said a gentleman next to her, when the dainty was
+served. "I suppose Philadelphia people don't eat them for fear of
+cannibalism."
+
+"Oh, no," was her instant reply; "it isn't that. We couldn't catch
+them."
+
+
+
+
+PHILANTHROPISTS
+
+
+  Little grains of short weight,
+    Little crooked twists,
+  Fill the land with magnates
+    And philanthropists.
+
+
+_See also_ Charity.
+
+
+
+
+PHILOSOPHY
+
+
+Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which
+you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can have
+them.--_Puck_.
+
+
+
+
+PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
+
+
+The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a friend,
+was playing in his father's office, during the absence of the doctor,
+when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door and disclosed to
+the terrified gaze of his little friend an articulated skeleton.
+
+When the visitor had sufficiently recovered from his shock to stand the
+announcement the doctor's son explained that his father was extremely
+proud of that skeleton.
+
+"Is he?" asked the other. "Why?"
+
+"I don't know," was the answer; "maybe it was his first patient."
+
+
+The doctor stood by the bedside, and looked gravely down at the sick
+man.
+
+"I can not hide from you the fact that you are very ill," he said. "Is
+there any one you would like to see?"
+
+"Yes," said the sufferer faintly.
+
+"Who is it?"
+
+"Another doctor."--_Judge_.
+
+
+"Doctor, I want you to look after my office while I'm on my vacation."
+
+"But I've just graduated, doctor. Have had no experience." "That's all
+right, my boy. My practice is strictly fashionable. Tell the men to play
+golf and ship the lady patients off to Europe."
+
+
+An old darky once lay seriously ill of fever and was treated for a long
+time by one doctor, and then another doctor, for some reason, came and
+took the first one's place. The second physician made a thorough
+examination of the patient. At the end he said, "Did the other doctor
+take your temperature?"
+
+"Ah dunno, sah," the patient answered. "Ah hain't missed nuthin' so far
+but mah watch."
+
+
+There had been an epidemic of colds in the town, and one physician who
+had had scarcely any sleep for two days called upon a patient--an
+Irishman--who was suffering from pneumonia, and as he leaned over to
+hear the patient's respiration he called upon Pat to count.
+
+The doctor was so fatigued that he fell asleep, with his ear on the sick
+man's chest. It seemed but a minute when he suddenly awoke to hear Pat
+still counting: "Tin thousand an' sivinty-six, tin thousand an'
+sivinty-sivin--"
+
+
+FIRST DOCTOR--"I operated on him for appendicitis."
+
+SECOND DOCTOR--"What was the matter with him?"--_Life_.
+
+
+FUSSY LADY PATIENT--"I was suffering so much, doctor, that I wanted to
+die."
+
+DOCTOR--"You did right to call me in, dear lady."
+
+
+MEDICAL STUDENT--"What did you operate on that man for?"
+
+EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars."
+
+MEDICAL STUDENT--"I mean what did he have?"
+
+EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars."
+
+
+The three degrees in medical treatment--Positive, ill; comparative,
+pill; superlative, bill.
+
+
+"What caused the coolness between you and that young doctor? I thought
+you were engaged."
+
+"His writing is rather illegible. He sent me a note calling for 10,000
+kisses."
+
+"Well?"
+
+"I thought it was a prescription, and took it to the druggist to be
+filled."
+
+
+A tourist while traveling in the north of Scotland, far away from
+anywhere, exclaimed to one of the natives: "Why, what do you do when any
+of you are ill? You can never get a doctor."
+
+"Nae, sir," replied Sandy. "We've jist to dee a naitural death."
+
+
+When the physician gives you medicine and tells you to take it, you take
+it. "Yours not to reason why; yours but to do and die."
+
+
+Physicians, of all men, are most happy: whatever good success soever
+they have, the world proclaimeth; and what faults they commit, the earth
+covereth.--_Quarles_.
+
+
+  This is the way that physicians mend or end us,
+  Secundum artem: but although we sneer
+  In health--when ill, we call them to attend us,
+  Without the least propensity to jeer.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+_See also_ Bills.
+
+
+
+
+PICKPOCKETS
+
+
+_See_ Thieves; Wives.
+
+
+
+
+PINS
+
+
+"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a dinner-party, "I
+can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to, anyway?"
+
+"That's a difficult question to answer," replied her husband, "because
+they are always pointed in one direction and headed in another."
+
+
+
+
+PITTSBURG
+
+
+"How about that airship?"
+
+"It went up in smoke."
+
+"Burned, eh?"
+
+"Oh, no. Made an ascension at Pittsburg."
+
+
+SKYBOUGH--"Why have you put that vacuum cleaner in front of your
+airship?"
+
+KLOUDLEIGH--"To clear a path. I have an engagement to sail over
+Pittsburg."
+
+
+A man just back from South America was describing a volcanic
+disturbance.
+
+"I was smoking a cigar before the door of my hotel," said he, "when I
+was startled by a rather violent earthquake. The next instant the sun
+was obscured and darkness settled over the city. Looking in the
+direction of the distant volcano, I saw heavy clouds of smoke rolling
+from it, with an occasional tongue of flame flashing against the dark
+sky.
+
+"Some of the natives about me were on their knees praying; others darted
+aimlessly about, crazed with terror and shouting for mercy. The landlord
+of the hotel rushed out and seized me by the arm.
+
+"'To the harbor!' he cried in my ear.
+
+"Together we hurried down the narrow street. As we panted along, the
+dark smoke whirled in our faces, and a dangerous shower of red-hot
+cinders sizzled about us. Do you know, I don't believe I was ever so
+homesick in all my life!"
+
+"Homesick?" gasped the listener. "Homesick at a time like that?"
+
+"Sure. I live in Pittsburg, you know."
+
+
+
+
+PLAY
+
+
+The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up with
+battering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the
+matter. There she found Tommie sitting in the middle of the floor with a
+broad smile on his face.
+
+"Oh, Mama," said he delightedly, "I've locked Grandpa and Uncle George
+in the cupboard, and when they get a little angrier I am going to play
+Daniel in the lion's den."
+
+
+
+
+PLEASURE
+
+
+BILLY--"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday party
+yesterday."
+
+WILLIE--"I bet I did."
+
+BILLY--"Then why ain't you sick today?"
+
+
+Winnie had been very naughty, and her mamma said: "Don't you know you
+will never go to Heaven if you are so naughty?"
+
+After thinking a moment she said: "Oh, well, I have been to the circus
+once and 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' twice. I can't expect to go everywhere."
+
+
+In Concord, New Hampshire, they tell of an old chap who made his wife
+keep a cash account. Each week he would go over it, growling and
+grumbling. On one such occasion he delivered himself of the following:
+
+"Look here, Sarah, mustard-plasters, fifty cents; three teeth extracted,
+two dollars! There's two dollars and a half in one week spent for your
+own private pleasure. Do you think I am made of money?"
+
+
+Here's to beauty, wit and wine and to a full stomach, a full purse and a
+light heart.
+
+
+  A dinner, coffee and cigars,
+    Of friends, a half a score.
+  Each favorite vintage in its turn,--
+    What man could wish for more?
+
+
+The roses of pleasure seldom last long enough to adorn the brow of him
+who plucks them; for they are the only roses which do not retain their
+sweetness after they have lost their beauty.--_Hannah More_.
+
+
+_See also_ Amusements.
+
+
+
+
+POETRY
+
+
+Poetry is a gift we are told, but most editors won't take it even at
+that.
+
+
+
+
+POETS
+
+
+EDITOR--"Have you submitted this poem anywhere else?"
+
+JOKESMITH--"No, sir."
+
+EDITOR--"Then where did you get that black eye?"--_Satire_.
+
+
+"Why is it," asked the persistent poetess, "that you always insist that
+we write on one side of the paper only? Why not on both?"
+
+In that moment the editor experienced an access of courage--courage to
+protest against the accumulated wrongs of his kind.
+
+"One side of the paper, madame," he made answer, "is in the nature of a
+compromise."
+
+"A compromise?"
+
+"A compromise. What we really desire, if we could have our way, is not
+one, or both, but neither."
+
+
+Sir Lewis Morris was complaining to Oscar Wilde about the neglect of his
+poems by the press. "It is a complete conspiracy of silence against me,
+a conspiracy of silence. What ought I to do, Oscar?" "Join it," replied
+Wilde.
+
+
+  God's prophets of the Beautiful,
+  These Poets were.
+
+  --_E.B. Browning_.
+
+
+  We call those poets who are first to mark
+  Through earth's dull mist the coming of the dawn,--
+  Who see in twilight's gloom the first pale spark,
+  While others only note that day is gone.
+
+  --_O.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+
+
+POLICE
+
+
+A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six different
+positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the police department.
+A few days later the chief of police wrote to headquarters: "Sir, I have
+duly received the portraits of the six miscreants. I have arrested five
+of them, and the sixth will be secured shortly."
+
+
+"I had a message from the Black Hand," said the resident of Graftburg.
+"They told me to leave $2,000 in a vacant house in a certain street."
+
+"Did you tell the police?"
+
+"Right away."
+
+"What did they do?"
+
+"They said that while I was about it I might leave them a couple of
+thousand in the same place."
+
+
+Recipe for a policeman:
+
+  To a quart of boiling temper add a pint of Irish stew
+    Together with cracked nuts, long beats and slugs;
+  Serve hot with mangled citizens who ask the time of day--
+    The receipt is much the same for making thugs.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+_See also_ Servants.
+
+
+
+
+POLITENESS
+
+
+_See_ Courtesy; Etiquet.
+
+
+
+
+POLITICAL PARTIES
+
+
+ZOO SUPERINTENDENT--"What was all the rumpus out there this morning?"
+
+ATTENDANT--"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting over their
+feed."
+
+"What happened?"
+
+"The donkey ate it."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+POLITICIANS
+
+
+Politicians always belong to the opposite party.
+
+
+The man who goes into politics as a business has no business to go into
+politics.--_Life_.
+
+
+A political orator, evidently better acquainted with western geography
+than with the language of the Greeks, recently exclaimed with fervor
+that his principles should prevail "from Alpha to Omaha."
+
+
+POLITICIAN--"Congratulate me, my dear, I've won the nomination."
+
+HIS WIFE (in surprise)--"Honestly?"
+
+POLITICIAN--"Now what in thunder did you want to bring up that point
+for?"
+
+
+"What makes you think the baby is going to be a great politician?" asked
+the young mother, anxiously.
+
+"I'll tell you," answered the young father, confidently; "he can say
+more things that sound well and mean nothing at all than any kid I ever
+saw."
+
+
+"The mere proposal to set the politician to watch the capitalist has
+been disturbed by the rather disconcerting discovery that they are both
+the same man. We are past the point where being a capitalist is the only
+way of becoming a politician, and we are dangerously near the point
+where being a politician is much the quickest way of becoming a
+capitalist."--_G.K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+At a political meeting the speakers and the audience were much annoyed
+and disturbed by a man who constantly called out: "Mr. Henry! Henry,
+Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" After several interruptions of
+this kind during each speech, a young man ascended the platform, and
+began an eloquent and impassioned speech in which he handled the issues
+of the day with easy familiarity. He was in the midst of a glowing
+period when suddenly the old cry echoed through the hall: "Mr. Henry!
+Henry, Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" With a word to the speaker,
+the chairman stepped to the front of the platform and remarked that it
+would oblige the audience very much if the gentleman in the rear of the
+hall would refrain from any further calls for Mr. Henry, as that
+gentleman was then addressing the meeting.
+
+"Mr. Henry? Is that Mr. Henry?" came in astonished tones from the rear.
+"Thunder! that can't be him. Why, that's the young man that asked me to
+call for Mr. Henry."
+
+
+A political speaker, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it
+and exclaimed: "Now gentlemen, what do you think?"
+
+A man rose in the assembly, and with one eye partially closed, replied
+modestly, with a strong Scotch brogue: "I think, sir, I do, indeed,
+sir--I think if you and I were to stump the country together we could
+tell more lies than any other two men in the country, sir, and I'd not
+say a word myself during the whole time, sir."
+
+
+The Rev. Dr. Biddell tells a lively story about a Presbyterian minister
+who had a young son, a lad about ten years of age. He was endeavoring to
+bring him up in the way he should go, and was one day asked by a friend
+what he intended to make of him. In reply he said:
+
+"I am watching the indications. I have a plan which I propose trying
+with the boy. It is this: I am going to place in my parlor a Bible, an
+apple and a silver dollar. Then I am going to leave the room and call in
+the boy. I am going to watch him from some convenient place without
+letting him know that he is seen. Then, if he chooses the Bible, I shall
+make a preacher of him; if he takes the apple, a farmer he shall be; but
+if he chooses the dollar, I will make him a business man."
+
+The plan was carried out. The arrangements were made and the boy called
+in from his play. After a little while the preacher and his wife softly
+entered the room. There was the youngster. He was seated on the Bible,
+in one hand was the apple, from which he was just taking a bite, and in
+the other he clasped the silver dollar. The good man turned to his
+consort. "Wife," he said, "the boy is a hog. I shall make a politician
+of him."
+
+
+Senator Mark Hanna was walking through his mill one day when he heard a
+boy say:
+
+"I wish I had Hanna's money and he was in the poorhouse."
+
+When he returned to the office the senator sent for the lad, who was
+plainly mystified by the summons.
+
+"So you wish you had my money and I was in the poorhouse," said the
+great man grimly. "Now supposing you had your wish, what would you do?"
+
+"Well," said the boy quickly, his droll grin showing his appreciation of
+the situation, "I guess I'd get you out of the poorhouse the first
+thing."
+
+Mr. Hanna roared with laughter and dismissed the youth.
+
+"You might as well push that boy along," he said to one of his
+assistants; "he's too good a politician to be kept down."
+
+
+_See also_ Candidates; Public Speakers.
+
+
+
+
+POLITICS
+
+
+Politics consists of two sides and a fence.
+
+
+If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British public, I
+should define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in every four or five
+years.--_A.E.W. Mason_.
+
+
+LITTLE CLARENCE (who has an inquiring mind)--"Papa, the Forty Thieves--"
+
+MR. CALLIPERS--"Now, my son, you are too young to talk
+politics."--_Puck_.
+
+
+"Many a man," remarked the milk toast philosopher, "has gone into
+politics with a fine future, and come out with a terrible past." Lord
+Dufferin delivered an address before the Greek class of the McGill
+University about which a reporter wrote:
+
+"His lordship spoke to the class in the purest ancient Greek, without
+mispronouncing a word or making the slightest grammatical solecism."
+
+"Good heavens!" remarked Sir Hector Langevin to the late Sir John A.
+Macdonald, "how did the reporter know that!"
+
+"I told him," was the Conservative statesman's answer.
+
+"But you don't know Greek."
+
+"True; but I know a little about politics."
+
+
+Little Millie's father and grandfather were Republicans; and, as
+election drew near, they spoke of their opponents with increasing
+warmth, never heeding Millie's attentive ears and wondering eyes.
+
+One night, however, as the little maid was preparing for bed, she
+whispered in a frightened voice: "Oh, mamma, I don't dare to go
+upstairs. I'm afraid there's a Democrat under the bed."
+
+
+"The shortest after-dinner speech I ever heard," said Cy Warman, the
+poet, "was at a dinner in Providence."
+
+"A man was assigned to the topic, 'The Christian in Politics.' When he
+was called upon he arose, bowed and said: 'Mr. Chairman, ladies and
+gentlemen: The Christian in Politics--he ain't.'"
+
+
+Politics is but the common pulse-beat of which revolution is the fever
+spasm.--_Wendell Phillips_.
+
+
+
+
+POVERTY
+
+
+Poverty is no disgrace, but that's about all that can be said in its
+favor.
+
+
+A traveler passing through the Broad Top Mountain district in northern
+Bedford County, Pennsylvania, last summer, came across a lad of sixteen
+cultivating a patch of miserable potatoes. He remarked upon their
+unpromising appearance and expressed pity for anyone who had to dig a
+living out of such soil.
+
+"I don't need no pity," said the boy resentfully.
+
+The traveler hastened to soothe his wounded pride. But in the offended
+tone of one who has been misjudged the boy added; "I ain't as poor as
+you think. I'm only _workin'_ here. I don't _own_ this place."
+
+
+One day an inspector of a New York tenement-house found four families
+living in one room, chalk lines being drawn across in such manner as to
+mark out a quarter for each family.
+
+"How do you get along here?" inquired the inspector.
+
+"Very well," was the reply. "Only the man in the farthest corner keeps
+boarders."
+
+
+There is no man so poor but that he can afford to keep one dog, and I
+hev seen them so poor that they could afford to keep three.--_Josh
+Billings_.
+
+
+May poverty be always a day's march behind us.
+
+
+Not he who has little, but he who wishes for more, is poor.--_Seneca_.
+
+
+
+
+PRAISE
+
+
+WIFE (complainingly)--"You never praise me up to any one."
+
+HUB--"I don't, eh! You should hear me describe you at the intelligence
+office when I'm trying to hire a cook."
+
+
+"What sort of a man is he?"
+
+"Well, he's just what I've been looking for--a generous soul, with a
+limousine body."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+PRAYER MEETINGS
+
+
+A foreigner who attended a prayer meeting in Indiana was asked what the
+assistants did. "Not very much," he said, "only they sin and
+bray."
+
+
+
+PRAYERS
+
+
+During the winter the village preacher was taken sick, and several of
+his children were also afflicted with the mumps. One day a number of the
+devout church members called to pray for the family. While they were
+about it a boy, the son of a member living in the country, knocked at
+the preacher's door. He had his arms full of things. "What have you
+there?" a deacon asked him.
+
+"Pa's prayers for a happy Thanksgiving," the boy answered, as he
+proceeded to unload potatoes, bacon, flour and other provisions for the
+afflicted family.
+
+
+A little girl in Washington surprised her mother the other day by
+closing her evening prayers in these words: "Amen; good bye; ring off."
+
+
+TEACHER--"Now, Tommy, suppose a man gave you $100 to keep for him and
+then died, what would you do? Would you pray for him?"
+
+TOMMY--"No, sir; but I would pray for another like him."
+
+
+A well-known revivalist whose work has been principally among the
+negroes of a certain section of the South remembers one service
+conducted by him that was not entirely successful. He had had very poor
+attendance, and spent much time in questioning the darkies as to their
+reason for not attending.
+
+"Why were you not at our revival?" he asked one old man, whom he
+encountered on the road.
+
+"Oh, I dunno," said the backward one.
+
+"Don't you ever pray?" demanded the preacher.
+
+The old man shook his head. "No," said he; "I carries a rabbit's
+foot."--_Taylor Edwards_.
+
+
+A little girl attending an Episcopal church for the first time, was
+amazed to see all kneel suddenly. She asked her mother what they were
+going to do. Her mother replied, "Hush, they're going to say their
+prayers."
+
+"What with all their clothes on?"
+
+
+The new minister in a Georgia church was delivering his first sermon.
+The darky janitor was a critical listener from a back corner of the
+church. The minister's sermon was eloquent, and his prayers seemed to
+cover the whole category of human wants.
+
+After the services one of the deacons asked the old darky what he
+thought of the new minister. "Don't you think he offers up a good
+prayer, Joe?"
+
+"Ah mos' suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat man axed de good Lord fo' things
+dat de odder preacher didn't even know He had!"
+
+
+Hilma was always glad to say her prayers, but she wanted to be sure that
+she was heard in the heavens above as well as on the earth beneath.
+
+One night, after the usual "Amen," she dropped her head upon her pillow
+and closed her eyes. After a moment she lifted her hand and, waving it
+aloft, said, "Oh, Lord! this prayer comes from 203 Selden Avenue."
+
+
+Willie's mother had told him that if he went to the river to play he
+should go to bed. One day she was away, and on coming home about two
+o'clock in the afternoon found Willie in bed.
+
+"What are you in bed for?" asked his mother.
+
+"I went to the river to play, and I knew you would put me in bed, so I
+didn't wait for you to come."
+
+"Did you say your prayers before you went to bed?" asked his mother.
+
+"No," said Willie. "You don't suppose God would be loafing around here
+this time of day, do you? He's at the office."
+
+
+Little Polly, coming in from her walk one morning, informed her mother
+that she had seen a lion in the park. No amount of persuasion or
+reasoning could make her vary her statement one hairbreadth. That night,
+when she slipped down on her knees to say her prayers, her mother said,
+"Polly, ask God to forgive you for that fib."
+
+Polly hid her face for a moment. Then she looked straight into her
+mother's eyes, her own eyes shining like stars, and said, "I did ask
+him, mamma, dearest, and he said, 'Don't mention it, Miss Polly; that
+big yellow dog has often fooled me.'"
+
+
+Prayer is the spirit speaking truth to Truth.--_Bailey_.
+
+
+  Pray to be perfect, though material leaven
+  Forbid the spirit so on earth to be;
+  But if for any wish thou darest not pray,
+  Then pray to God to cast that wish away.
+
+  --_Hartley Coleridge_.
+
+
+_See also_ Courage.
+
+
+
+
+PREACHING
+
+
+The services in the chapel of a certain western university are from time
+to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many denominations and from
+many cities.
+
+On one occasion, when one of these visiting divines asked the president
+how long he should speak, that witty officer replied:
+
+"There is no limit, Doctor, upon the time you may preach; but I may tell
+you that there is a tradition here that the most souls are saved during
+the first twenty-five minutes."
+
+
+One Sunday morning a certain young pastor in his first charge announced
+nervously:
+
+"I will take for my text the words, 'And they fed five men with five
+thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
+
+At this misquotation an old parishioner from his seat in the amen corner
+said audibly:
+
+"That's no miracle--I could do it myself."
+
+The young preacher said nothing at the time, but the next Sunday he
+announced the same text again. This time he got it right:
+
+"And they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and two
+fishes."
+
+He waited a moment, and then, leaning over the pulpit and looking at the
+amen corner, he said:
+
+"And could you do that, too, Mr. Smith?"
+
+"Of course I could," Mr. Smith replied.
+
+"And how would you do it?" said the preacher.
+
+"With what was left over from last Sunday," said Mr. Smith.
+
+
+The late Bishop Foss once visited a Philadelphia physician for some
+trifling ailment. "Do you, sir," the doctor asked, in the course of his
+examination, "talk in your sleep?"
+
+"No sir," answered the bishop. "I talk in other people's. Aren't you
+aware that I am a divine?"
+
+
+"Yes, sir," said the irate man, "I got even with that clergyman. I
+slurred him. Why, I hired one hundred people to attend his church and go
+to sleep before he had preached five minutes."
+
+
+A noted eastern Judge when visiting in the west went to church on
+Sunday; which isn't so remarkable as the fact that he knew beforehand
+that the preacher was exceedingly tedious and long winded to the last
+degree. After the service the preacher met the Judge in the vestibule
+and said: "Well, your Honor, how did you like the sermon?"
+
+"Oh, most wonderfully," replied the Judge. "It was like the peace of
+God; for it passed all understanding, and, like His mercy, I thought it
+would have endured forever."
+
+
+The preacher's evening discourse was dry and long, and the congregation
+gradually melted away. The sexton tiptoed up to the pulpit and slipped a
+note under one corner of the Bible. It read:
+
+"When you are through, will you please turn off the lights, lock the
+door, and put the key under the mat?"
+
+
+The new minister's first sermon was very touching and created much
+favorable comment among the members of the church. One morning, a few
+days later, his nine-year-old son happened to be alone in the pastor's
+study and with childish curiosity started to read through some papers on
+the desk. They happened to be this identical sermon, but he was most
+interested in the marginal notes. In one place in the margin were
+written the words, "Cry a little." Further on in the discourse appeared
+another marginal remark, "Cry a little more." On the next to the last
+sheet the boy found his good father had penned another remark, "Cry like
+thunder."
+
+
+A young preacher, who was staying at a clergy-house, was in the habit of
+retiring to his room for an hour or more each day to practice pulpit
+oratory. At such times he filled the house with sounds of fervor and
+pathos, and emptied it of almost everything else. Phillips Brooks
+chanced to be visiting a friend in this house one day when the budding
+orator was holding forth.
+
+"Gracious me!" exclaimed the Bishop, starting up in assumed terror,
+"pray, what might that be?"
+
+"Sit down, Bishop," his friend replied. "That's only young D----
+practising what he preaches."
+
+
+A distinguished theologian was invited to make an address before a
+Sunday-school. The divine spoke for over an hour and his remarks were of
+too deep a character for the average juvenile mind to comprehend. At the
+conclusion, the superintendent, according to custom, requested some one
+in the school to name an appropriate hymn to be sung.
+
+"Sing 'Revive Us Again,'" shouted a boy in the rear of the room.
+
+
+A clergyman was once sent for in the middle of the night by one of his
+woman parishioners.
+
+"Well, my good woman," said he, "so you are ill and require the
+consolations of religion? What can I do for you?"
+
+"No," replied the old lady, "I am only nervous and can't sleep!"
+
+"But how can I help that?" said the parson.
+
+"Oh, sir, you always put me to sleep so nicely when I go to church that
+I thought if you would only preach a little for me!"
+
+
+  I never see my rector's eyes;
+  He hides their light divine;
+  For when he prays, he shuts his own,
+  And when he preaches, mine.
+
+
+A stranger entered the church in the middle of the sermon and seated
+himself in the back pew. After a while he began to fidget. Leaning over
+to the white-haired man at his side, evidently an old member of the
+congregation, he whispered:
+
+"How long has he been preaching?"
+
+"Thirty or forty years, I think," the old man answered.
+
+"I'll stay then," decided the stranger. "He must be nearly done."
+
+
+Once upon a time there was an Indian named Big Smoke, employed as a
+missionary to his fellow Smokes.
+
+A white man encountering Big Smoke, asked him what he did for a living.
+
+"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me preach."
+
+"That so? What do you get for preaching?"
+
+"Me get ten dollars a year."
+
+"Well," said the white man, "that's damn poor pay."
+
+"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me damn poor preacher."
+
+
+_See also_ Clergy.
+
+
+
+
+PRESCRIPTIONS
+
+
+After a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the suburbs
+became ill, and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor, who wrote a
+prescription after examining the patient. The doctor, upon departing,
+said: "Just let your husband take that and you'll find he will be all
+right in a short time."
+
+Next day the doctor called again, and the wife opened the door, her face
+beaming with smiles. "Sure, that was a wonderful wee bit of paper you
+left yesterday," she exclaimed. "William is better to-day."
+
+"I'm glad to hear that," said the much-pleased medical man.
+
+"Not but what I hadn't a big job to get him to swallow it." she
+continued, "but, sure, I just wrapped up the wee bit of paper quite
+small and put it in a spoonful of jam and William swallowed it
+unbeknownst. By night he was entirely better."
+
+
+
+
+PRESENCE OF MIND
+
+
+"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to face?"
+
+"I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller, the
+luggage-carriers, the dining-car waiters, and the sleeping-car porters
+and borrowed a dollar from him."
+
+
+
+
+PRINTERS
+
+
+The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast "hoe," the
+carpenter with his "rule," and the mason in "setting up tall columns";
+and he surpasses the lawyer and the doctor in attending to the "cases,"
+and beats the parson in the management of the devil.
+
+
+
+
+PRISONS
+
+
+A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was
+given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced
+him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond of
+a smile, and feeling particularly good on that particular day,
+considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around the cell
+told him it was dirty, and not fit for a hog to be put in. One word
+brought on another, till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he did
+not behave himself he would put him out. To which the prisoner replied:
+"I will give you to understand, sir, I have as good a right here as you
+have!"
+
+
+SHERIFF--"That fellow who just left jail is going to be arrested again
+soon."
+
+"How do you know?"
+
+SHERIFF--"He chopped my wood, carried the water, and mended my socks. I
+can't get along without him."
+
+
+
+
+PRODIGALS
+
+
+"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and weep?"
+
+"Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort' it."
+
+
+
+
+PROFANITY
+
+
+THE RECTOR--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word
+an oath."
+
+THE MAN--"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we
+don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it."
+
+
+FIRST DEAF MUTE--"He wasn't so very angry, was he?"
+
+SECOND DEAF MUTE--"He was so wild that the words he used almost
+blistered his fingers."
+
+
+The little daughter of a clergyman stubbed her toe and said, "Darn!"
+
+"I'll give you ten cents," said father, "if you'll never say that word
+again."
+
+A few days afterward she came to him and said: "Papa, I've got a word
+worth half a dollar."
+
+
+Very frequently the winter highways of the Yukon valley are mere trails,
+traversed only by dog-sledges. One of the bishops in Alaska, who was
+very fond of that mode of travel, encountered a miner coming out with
+his dog-team, and stopped to ask him what kind of a road he had come
+over.
+
+The miner responded with a stream of forcible and picturesque profanity,
+winding up with:
+
+"And what kind o' trail did you have?"
+
+"Same as yours," replied the bishop feelingly.--_Elgin Burroughs_.
+
+
+  A scrupulous priest of Kildare,
+  Used to pay a rude peasant to swear,
+    Who would paint the air blue,
+    For an hour or two,
+  While his reverence wrestled in prayer.
+
+
+Donald and Jeanie were putting down a carpet. Donald slammed the end of
+his thumb with the hammer and began to pour forth his soul in language
+befitting the occasion.
+
+"Donald, Donald!" shrieked Jeanie, horrified. "Dinna swear that way!"
+
+"Wummun!" vociferated Donald; "gin ye know ony better way, now is the
+time to let me know it!"
+
+
+"It is not always necessary to make a direct accusation," said the
+lawyer who was asking damages because insinuations had been made against
+his client's good name. "You may have heard of the woman who called to
+the hired girl, 'Mary, Mary. come here and take the parrot
+downstairs--the master has dropped his collar button!'"
+
+
+Little Bartholomew's mother overheard him swearing like a mule-driver.
+He displayed a fluency that overwhelmed her. She took him to task,
+explaining the wickedness of profanity as well as its vulgarity. She
+asked where he had learned all those dreadful words. Bartholomew
+announced that Cavert, one of his playmates, had taught him.
+
+Cavert's mother was straightway informed and Cavert was brought to book.
+He vigorously denied having instructed Bartholomew, and neither threats
+nor tears could make him confess. At last he burst out:
+
+"I didn't tell Bartholomew any cuss words. Why should I know how to cuss
+any better than he does? Hasn't his father got an automobile, too?"
+
+
+They were in Italy together.
+
+"If you would let me curse them black and blue," said the groom, "we
+shouldn't have to wait so long for the trunks."
+
+"But, darling, please don't. It would distress me so," murmured the
+bride.
+
+The groom went off, but quickly returned with the porters before him
+trundling the trunks at a double quick.
+
+"Oh, dearest, how did you do it? You didn't--?"
+
+"Not at all. I thought of something that did quite as well. I said,
+'_S-s-s-susquehanna, R-r-r-rappahannock!'"--Cornelia C. Ward_.
+
+
+A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty
+words about a motorcar. She submitted the following:
+
+"My uncle bought a motorcar. He was riding in the country when it busted
+up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are
+what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not
+fit for publication."
+
+
+The ashman was raising a can of ashes above his head to dump the
+contents into his cart, when the bottom of the can came out. Ethel saw
+it and ran in and told her mother.
+
+"I hope you didn't listen to what he said," the mother remarked.
+
+"He didn't say a word to me," replied the little girl; "he just walked
+right off by the side of his cart, talking to God."
+
+
+A young man entered the jeweler's store and bought a ring, which he
+ordered engraved. The jeweler asked what name.
+
+"George Osborne to Harriet Lewis, but I prefer only the initials, G.O.
+to H.L."
+
+
+For it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent
+sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof
+itself would have earned him.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+PROHIBITION
+
+
+"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth, Kansas?"
+asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No? Well, that's a
+dry town for you, all right."
+
+"They can't sell liquor at all there?" asked one of the men.
+
+"Only if you had been bitten by a snake," said the drummer. "They have
+only one snake in town, and when I got to it the other day after
+standing in line for nearly half a day it was too tired to bite."
+
+
+It was prohibition country. As soon as the train pulled up, a seedy
+little man with a covered basket on his arm hurried to the open windows
+of the smoker and exhibited a quart bottle filled with rich, dark fluid.
+
+"Want to buy some nice cold tea?" he asked, with just the suspicion of a
+wink.
+
+Two thirsty-looking cattlemen brightened visibly, and each paid a dollar
+for a bottle.
+
+"Wait until you get outer the station before you take a drink," the
+little man cautioned them. "I don't wanter get in trouble."
+
+He found three other customers before the train pulled out, in each case
+repeating his warning.
+
+"You seem to be doing a pretty good business," remarked a man who had
+watched it all. "But I don't see why you'd run any more risk of getting
+in trouble if they took a drink before the train started."
+
+"Ye don't, hey? Well, what them bottles had in 'em, pardner, was real
+cold tea."
+
+
+
+
+PROMOTING
+
+
+Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the British
+North Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was approached with
+a view to floating a rubber company. His friend was quite ready. "How
+many trees have you?" he asked. "We have not got any trees," was the
+answer. "How much land have you?" "We have no land." "What then have you
+got?" "I have a bag of seeds!"
+
+
+There are many tales about the caution of Russell Sage and the
+cleverness with which he outwitted those who sought to get some of his
+money from him. Two brilliant promoters went to him one time and
+presented a scheme. The financier listened for an hour, and when they
+departed they were told that Mr. Sage's decision would be mailed to them
+in a few days.
+
+"I think we have got Uncle Russell," said one of the promoters. "I
+really believe we have won his confidence."
+
+"I fear not," observed the other doubtfully. "He is too suspicious."
+
+"Suspicious? I didn't observe any sign of it."
+
+"Didn't you notice that he counted his fingers after I had shaken hands
+with him and we were coming away?"
+
+
+
+
+PROMOTION
+
+
+Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from the
+cemetery.--_Edward Sanford Martin_.
+
+
+
+
+PROMPTNESS
+
+
+"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?"
+
+"First out of the building when the bell rings."
+
+
+The head of a large business house bought a number of those "Do it now"
+signs and hung them up around his offices. When, after the first few
+days of those signs, the business man counted up the results, he found
+that the cashier had skipped out with $20,000, the head bookkeeper had
+eloped with the stenographer, three clerks had asked for a raise in
+salary, and the office boy had lit out for the west to become a
+highwayman.
+
+
+"Are you waiting for me, dear?" she said, coming downstairs at last,
+after spending half an hour fixing her hat.
+
+"Waiting," exclaimed the impatient man. "Oh no, not
+waiting--sojourning."
+
+
+
+
+PRONUNCIATION
+
+
+A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the use of
+words, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what he was
+saying. On one occasion, in the course of an eloquent prayer, he
+pleaded:
+
+"O Lord! waken thy cause in the hearts of this congregation and give
+them new eyes to see and new impulse to do. Send down Thy lev-er or
+lee-ver, according to Webster's or Worcester's dictionary, whichever
+Thou usest, and pry them into activity."
+
+
+"I'm at the head of my class, pa," said Willie.
+
+"Dear me, son, how did that happen?" cried his father.
+
+"Why, the teacher asked us this morning how to pronounce
+C-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a, and nobody knew," said Willie, "but when she got down
+to me I sneezed and she said that was right."
+
+
+_See also_ Liars.
+
+
+
+
+PROPORTION
+
+
+A middle-aged colored woman in a Georgia village, hearing a commotion in
+a neighbor's cabin, looked in at the door. On the floor lay a small boy
+writhing in great distress while his mother bent solicitously over him.
+
+"What-all's de matter wif de chile?" asked the visitor sympathetically.
+
+"I spec's hit's too much watermillion," responded the mother.
+
+"Ho! go 'long wif you," protested the visitor scornfully. "Dey cyan't
+never be too much watermillion. Hit mus' be dat dere ain't enough boy."
+
+
+
+
+PROPOSALS
+
+
+A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of proposal
+asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a young man should
+propose to a girl on his knees.
+
+"If he doesn't," replied his friend, "the girl should get off."
+
+
+A gentleman who had been in Chicago only three days, but who had been
+paying attention to a prominent Chicago belle, wanted to propose, but
+was afraid he would be thought too hasty. He delicately broached the
+subject as follows: "If I were to speak to you of marriage, after having
+only made your acquaintance three days ago, what would you say of it?"
+
+"Well, I should say, never put off till tomorrow that which should have
+been done the day before yesterday."
+
+
+  There was a young man from the West,
+  Who proposed to the girl he loved best,
+   But so closely he pressed her
+   To make her say, yes, sir,
+  That he broke two cigars in his vest.
+
+  --_The Tobacconist_.
+
+
+They were dining on fowl in a restaurant. "You see," he explained, as he
+showed her the wishbone, "you take hold here. Then we must both make a
+wish and pull, and when it breaks the one who has the bigger part of it
+will have his or her wish granted." "But I don't know what to wish for,"
+she protested. "Oh! you can think of something," he said. "No, I can't,"
+she replied; "I can't think of anything I want very much." "Well, I'll
+wish for you," he explained. "Will you, really?" she asked. "Yes."
+"Well, then there's no use fooling with the old wishbone," she
+interrupted with a glad smile, "you can have me."
+
+
+"Dear May," wrote the young man, "pardon me, but I'm getting so
+forgetful. I proposed to you last night, but really forget whether you
+said yes or no."
+
+"Dear Will," she replied by note, "so glad to hear from you. I know I
+said 'no' to some one last night, but I had forgotten just who it was."
+
+
+The four Gerton girls were all good-looking; indeed, the three younger
+ones were beautiful; while Annie, the oldest, easily made up in
+capability and horse sense what she lacked in looks.
+
+A young chap, very eligible, called on the girls frequently, but seemed
+unable to decide which to marry. So Annie put on her thinking cap, and,
+one evening when the young chap called, she appeared with her pretty
+arms bare to the elbow and her hands white with flour.
+
+"Oh, you must excuse my appearance," she said. "I have been working in
+the kitchen all day. I baked bread and pies and cake this morning, and
+afterward, as the cook was ill, I prepared dinner."
+
+"Miss Annie, is that so?" said the young man. He looked at her, deeply
+impressed. Then, after a moment's thought, he said:
+
+"Miss Annie, there is a question I wish to ask you, and on your answer
+will depend much of my life's happiness."
+
+"Yes?" she said, with a blush, and she drew a little nearer. "Yes? What
+is it?"
+
+"Miss Annie," said the young man, in deep earnest tones, "I am thinking
+of proposing to your sister Kate--will you make your home with us?"
+
+
+It was at Christmas, and he had been calling on her twice a week for six
+months, but had not proposed.
+
+"Ethel," he said, "I--er--am going to ask you an important question."
+
+"Oh, George," she exclaimed, "this is so sudden! Why, I--"
+
+"No, excuse me," he interrupted; "what I want to ask is this: What date
+have you and your mother decided upon for our wedding?"
+
+
+A Scotch beadle led the maiden of his choice to a churchyard and,
+pointing to the various headstones, said:
+
+"My folks are all buried there, Jennie. Wad ye like to be buried there
+too?"
+
+
+IMPECUNIOUS LOVER--"Be mine, Amanda, and you will be treated like an
+angel."
+
+WEALTHY MAIDEN--"Yes, I suppose so. Nothing to eat, and less to wear.
+No, thank you."
+
+
+The surest way to hit a woman's heart is to take aim kneeling.--_Douglas
+Jerrold_.
+
+
+
+
+PROPRIETY
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Wilts,
+  Who walked up to Scotland on stilts;
+    When they said it was shocking
+    To show so much stocking,
+  She answered: "Then what about kilts?"
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+
+
+PROSPERITY
+
+
+  May bad fortune follow you all your days
+  And never catch up with you.
+
+
+
+
+PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH
+
+One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusing
+story.
+
+A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some
+very young kittens to passers-by. One day he accosted the
+late Reverend Phillips Brooks, asking him to purchase, and
+recommending them as good Episcopal kittens. Dr. Brooks
+laughingly refused, thinking them too small to be taken from
+their mother. A few days later a Presbyterian minister who
+had witnessed this episode was asked by the same boy to buy the
+same kittens. This time the lad announced that they were faithful
+Presbyterians.
+
+"Didn't you tell Dr. Brooks last week that they were Episcopal
+kittens?" the minister asked sternly.
+
+"Yes sir," replied the boy quickly, "but they's had their eyes
+opened since then, sir."
+
+
+An Episcopal clergyman who was passing his vacation in
+a remote country district met an old farmer who declared that
+he was a "'Piscopal."
+
+"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman.
+
+"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish," was the answer.
+
+"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question.
+
+"Nobody," answered the farmer.
+
+"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman.
+
+"Well," was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winter
+I went to church, an' it was called 'Piscopal, an' I heerd them
+say that they left undone the things what they'd oughter done
+and they'd done some things what they oughtenter done, and I
+says to myself says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly,' and ever sence
+then I've been a 'Piscopalian."
+
+
+
+
+PROTESTANTS
+
+
+A Protestant mission meeting had been held in an Irish town and this
+was the gardener's contribution to the controversy that ensued:
+"Pratestants!" he said with lofty scorn, "'Twas mighty little St. Paul
+thought of the Pratestants. You've all heard tell of the 'pistle he
+wrote to the Romans, but I'd ax ye this, did any of yez iver hear of
+his writing a 'pistle to the Pratestants?"
+
+
+
+
+PROVIDENCE
+
+
+"Why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a thousand
+dollars, Mama?"
+
+"It was God's will, dear."
+
+"And was it because God was mad at papa or pleased with the
+doctor?"--_Life_.
+
+
+There's a certain minister whose duties sometimes call him out of the
+city. He has always arranged for some one of his parishioners to keep
+company with his wife and little daughter during these absences.
+Recently, however, he was called away so suddenly that he had no
+opportunity of providing a guardian.
+
+The wife was very brave during the early evening, but after dark had
+fallen her courage began to fail. She stayed up with her little girl
+till there was no excuse for staying any longer and then took her
+upstairs to bed.
+
+"Now go to sleep, Dearie," she said. "Don't be afraid. God will
+protect you."
+
+"Yes, Mother," answered the little girl, "that'll be all right
+tonight, but next time let's make better arrangements."
+
+
+
+
+PROVINCIALISM
+
+
+Some time ago an English friend of Colonel W.J. Lampton's living in
+New York and having never visited the South, went to Virginia to spend
+a month with friends. After a fortnight of it, he wrote back:
+
+"Oh, I say, old top, you never told me that the South was anything
+like I have found it, and so different to the North. Why, man, it's
+God's country."
+
+The Colonel, who gets his title from Kentucky, answered promptly by
+postal.
+
+"Of course it is," he wrote. "You didn't suppose God was a Yankee, did
+you?"
+
+
+A southerner, with the intense love for his own district, attended a
+banquet. The next day a friend asked him who was present. With a
+reminiscent smile he replied: "An elegant gentleman from Virginia, a
+gentleman from Kentucky, a man from Ohio, a bounder from Chicago, a
+fellow from New York, and a galoot from Maine."
+
+They had driven fourteen miles to the lake, and then rowed six miles
+across the lake to get to the railroad station, when the Chicago man
+asked:
+
+"How in the world do you get your mail and newspapers here in the
+winter when the storms are on?"
+
+"Wa-al, we don't sometimes. I've seen this lake thick up so that it
+was three weeks before we got a Chicago paper," answered the man from
+"nowhere."
+
+"Well, you were cut off," said the Chicago man.
+
+"Ya-as, we were so," was the reply. "Still, the Chicago folks were
+just as badly off."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"Wa-al," drawled the man, "we didn't know what was going on in
+Chicago, of course. But then, neither did Chicago folks know what was
+going on down here."
+
+
+
+
+PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS
+
+
+The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the witness
+belonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to the court.
+
+"The court sees no harm in the question," answered the judge. "You may
+answer."
+
+"Well, I belong to three."
+
+"What are they?"
+
+"The Knights of Pythias, the Odd Fellows, and the gas company."
+
+
+"Yes, he had some rare trouble with his eyes," said the celebrated
+oculist. "Every time he went to read he would read double."
+
+"Poor fellow," remarked the sympathetic person. "I suppose that
+interfered with his holding a good position?"
+
+"Not at all. The gas company gobbled him up and gave him a lucrative
+job reading gas-meters."
+
+
+
+
+PUBLIC SPEAKERS
+
+
+ORATOR--"I thought your paper was friendly to me?"
+
+EDITOR--"So it is. What's the matter?"
+
+ORATOR--"I made a speech at the dinner last night, and you didn't
+print a line of it."
+
+EDITOR--"Well, what further proof do you want?"
+
+
+TRAVELING LECTURER FOR SOCIETY (to the remaining listener)--"I should
+like to thank you, sir, for so attentively hearing me to the end of a
+rather too long speech."
+
+LOCAL MEMBER OF SOCIETY--"Not at all, sir. I'm the second speaker."
+
+
+Ex-senator Spooner of Wisconsin says the best speech of introduction
+he ever heard was delivered by the German mayor of a small town in
+Wisconsin, where Spooner had been engaged to speak.
+
+The mayor said:
+
+"Ladies und shentlemens, I haf been asked to indrotoose you to the
+Honorable Senator Spooner, who vill make to you a speech, yes. I haf
+now done so; he vill now do so."
+
+
+"When I arose to speak," related a martyred statesman, "some one
+hurled a base, cowardly egg at me and it struck me in the chest."
+
+"And what kind of an egg might that be?" asked a fresh young man.
+
+"A base, cowardly egg," explained the statesman, "is one that hits you
+and then runs."
+
+
+"Uncle Joe" Cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is sometimes
+embarrassing to others. On one occasion an inexperienced young fellow
+was called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which ex-speaker
+Cannon was also present.
+
+"Gentlemen," began the young fellow, "my opinion is that the
+generality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of the
+generality of--"
+
+"Sit down, son," interrupted "Uncle Joe." "You are coming out of the
+same hole you went in at."
+
+
+A South African tribe has an effective method of dealing with bores,
+which might be adopted by Western peoples. This simple tribe considers
+long speeches injurious to the orator and his hearers; so to protect
+both there is an unwritten law that every public orator must stand on
+only one leg when he is addressing an audience. As soon as he has to
+place the other leg on the ground his oration is brought to a close,
+by main force, if necessary.
+
+
+A rather turgid orator, noted for his verbosity and heaviness, was
+once assigned to do some campaigning in a mining camp in the
+mountains. There were about fifty miners present when he began; but
+when, at the end of a couple of hours, he gave no sign of finishing,
+his listeners dropped away.
+
+Some went back to work, but the majority sought places to quench their
+thirst, which had been aggravated by the dryness of the discourse.
+
+Finally there was only one auditor left, a dilapidated, weary-looking
+old fellow. Fixing his gaze on him, the orator pulled out a large
+six-shooter and laid it on the table. The old fellow rose slowly and
+drawled out:
+
+"Be you going to shoot if I go?"
+
+"You bet I am," replied the speaker. "I'm bound to finish my speech,
+even if I have to shoot to keep an audience."
+
+The old fellow sighed in a tired manner, and edged slowly away, saying
+as he did so:
+
+"Well, shoot if you want to. I may jest as well be shot as talked to
+death."
+
+
+The self-made millionaire who had endowed the school had been invited
+to make the opening speech at the commencement exercises. He had not
+often had a chance of speaking before the public and he was resolved
+to make the most of it. He dragged his address out most tiresomely,
+repeating the same thought over and over. Unable to stand it any
+longer a couple of boys in the rear of the room slipped out. A
+coachman who was waiting outside asked them if the millionaire had
+finished his speech.
+
+"Gee, yes!" replied the boys, "but he won't stop."
+
+
+Mark Twain once told this story:
+
+"Some years ago in Hartford, we all went to church one hot, sweltering
+night to hear the annual report of Mr. Hawley, a city missionary who
+went around finding people who needed help and didn't want to ask for
+it. He told of the life in cellars, where poverty resided; he gave
+instances of the heroism and devotion of the poor. When a man with
+millions gives, he said, we make a great deal of noise. It's a noise
+in the wrong place, for it's the widow's mite that counts. Well,
+Hawley worked me up to a great pitch. I could hardly wait for him to
+get through. I had $400 in my pocket. I wanted to give that and borrow
+more to give. You could see greenbacks in every eye. But instead of
+passing the plate then, he kept on talking and talking and talking,
+and as he talked it grew hotter and hotter and hotter, and we grew
+sleepier and sleepier and sleepier. My enthusiasm went down, down,
+down, down--$100 at a clip--until finally, when the plate did come
+around, I stole ten cents out of it. It all goes to show how a little
+thing like this can lead to crime."
+
+
+_See also_ After dinner speeches; Candidates; Politicians.
+
+
+
+
+PUNISHMENT
+
+
+A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the
+teacher:
+
+    "Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home
+    except in self-defense."
+
+
+"No, sirree!" ejaculated Bunkerton. "There wasn't any of that nonsense
+in my family. My father never thrashed me in all his life."
+
+"Too bad, too bad," sighed Hickenlooper. "Another wreck due to a
+misplaced switch."
+
+
+James the Second, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton, the poet,
+and asked him among other things, if he did not think the loss of his
+sight a judgment upon him for what he had writen against his father,
+Charles the First. Milton answered: "If your Highness think my loss of
+sight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losing
+his head."--_Life_.
+
+
+A white man during reconstruction times was arraigned before a colored
+justice of the peace for killing a man and stealing his mule. It was
+in Arkansas, near the Texas border, and there was some rivalry between
+the states, but the colored justice tried to preserve an impartial
+frame of mind.
+
+"We's got two kinds ob law in dis yer co't," he said: "Texas law an'
+Arkansas law. Which will you hab?"
+
+The prisoner thought a minute and then guessed that he would take the
+Arkansas law.
+
+"Den I discharge you fo' stealin' de mule, an' hang you fo' killin' de
+man."
+
+"Hold on a minute, Judge," said the prisoner. "Better make that Texas
+law."
+
+"All right. Den I fin' you fo' killin' de man, an' hang you fo'
+stealin' de mule."
+
+
+A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the
+court:
+
+"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at
+all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm
+and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is not
+himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for
+an offense committed by only one of his limbs."
+
+"That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it
+logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
+He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
+
+The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed his
+cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.
+
+
+Muriel, a five-year-old subject of King George, has been thought by
+her parents too young to feel the weight of the rod, and has been
+ruled by moral suasion alone. But when, the other day, she achieved
+disobedience three times in five minutes, more vigorous measures were
+called for, and her mother took an ivory paper-knife from the table
+and struck her smartly across her little bare legs. Muriel looked
+astounded. Her mother explained the reason for the blow. Muriel
+thought deeply for a moment. Then, turning toward the door with a
+grave and disapproving countenance, she announced in her clear little
+English voice:
+
+"I'm going up-stairs to tell God about that paper-knife. And then I
+shall tell Jesus. And if _that_ doesn't do, I shall put flannel on my
+legs!"
+
+
+During the reconstruction days of Virginia, a negro was convicted of
+murdering his wife and sentenced to be hanged. On the morning of the
+execution he mounted the scaffold with reasonable calmness. Just
+before the noose was to be placed around his neck the sheriff asked
+him if he had anything to say. He studied a moment and said:
+
+"No, suh, boss, thankee, suh, 'ceptin' dis is sho gwine to be a lesson
+to me."
+
+
+"What punishment did that defaulting banker get?" "I understand his
+lawyer charged him $40,000."
+
+
+An Indian in Washington County once sized up Maine's game laws thus:
+"Kill cow moose, pay $100; kill man, too bad!"
+
+
+TEACHER--"Willie, did your father cane you for what you did in school
+yesterday?"
+
+PUPIL--"No, ma'am; he said the licking would hurt him more than it
+would me."
+
+TEACHER--"What rot! Your father is too sympathetic."
+
+PUPIL--"No, ma'am; but he's got the rheumatism in both arms."
+
+
+"Boohoo! Boohoo!" wailed little Johnny.
+
+"Why, what's the matter, dear?" his mother asked comfortingly.
+
+"Boohoo--er--p-picture fell on papa's toes."
+
+"Well, dear, that's too bad, but you mustn't cry about it, you know."
+
+"I d-d-didn't. I laughed. Boohoo! Boohoo!"
+
+
+The fact that corporal punishment is discouraged in the public schools
+of Chicago is what led Bobby's teacher to address this note to the
+boy's mother:
+
+    DEAR MADAM:--I regret very much to have to tell you that your
+    son, Robert, idles away his time, is disobedient, quarrelsome,
+    and disturbs the pupils who are trying to study their lessons.
+    He needs a good whipping and I strongly recommend that you
+    give him one.
+
+    Yours truly,
+
+    Miss Blank.
+
+To this Bobby's mother responded as follows:
+
+    Dear Miss Blanks--Lick him yourself. I ain't mad at him.
+
+    Yours truly,
+
+    Mrs. Dash.
+
+
+A little fellow who was being subjected to a whipping pinched his
+father under the knee. "Willie, you bad boy! How dare you do that?"
+asked the parent wrathfully.
+
+A pause. Then Willie answered between sobs: "Well, Father, who started
+this war, anyway?"
+
+
+A little girl about three years old was sent upstairs and told to sit
+on a certain chair that was in the corner of her room, as a punishment
+for something she had done but a few minutes before.
+
+Soon the silence was broken by the little one's question: "Mother, may
+I come down now?"
+
+"No, you sit right where you are."
+
+"All right, 'cause I'm sittin' on your best hat."
+
+
+It is less to suffer punishment than to deserve it.--_Ovid_.
+
+
+If Jupiter hurled his thunderbolt as often as men sinned, he would
+soon be out of thunderbolts.--_Ovid_.
+
+
+_See also_ Church discipline; Future life; Marriage.
+
+
+
+
+PUNS
+
+
+  A father once said to his son,
+  "The next time you make up a pun,
+    Go out in the yard
+    And kick yourself hard,
+  And I will begin when you've done."
+
+
+
+
+PURE FOOD
+
+
+Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a darky
+complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not good.
+
+"The ham is all right, Zeph," insisted the storekeeper.
+
+"No, it ain't, boss," insisted the negro. "Dat ham's shore bad."
+
+"How can that be," continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured only a
+week?"
+
+The darky scratched his head reflectively, and finally suggested: "Den,
+mebbe it's had a relapse."
+
+
+On a recent trip to Germany, Doctor Harvey Wiley, the pure-food expert,
+heard an allegory with reference to the subject of food adulteration
+which, he contends, should cause Americans to congratulate themselves
+that things are so well ordered in this respect in the United States.
+
+The German allegory was substantially as follows:
+
+Four flies, which had made their way into a certain pantry, determined
+to have a feast.
+
+One flew to the sugar and ate heartily; but soon died, for the sugar was
+full of white lead.
+
+The second chose the flour as his diet, but he fared no better, for the
+flour was loaded with plaster of Paris.
+
+The third sampled the syrup, but his six legs were presently raised in
+the air, for the syrup was colored with aniline dyes.
+
+The fourth fly, seeing all his friends dead, determined to end his life
+also, and drank deeply of the fly-poison which he found in a convenient
+saucer.
+
+He is still alive and in good health. That, too, was adulterated.
+
+
+
+
+QUARRELS
+
+
+"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the would-be
+cook.
+
+"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master an'
+the missus used to quarrel, mum."
+
+"Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?"
+
+"Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."
+
+
+"I hear ye had words with Casey."
+
+"We had no words."
+
+"Then nothing passed between ye?"
+
+"Nothing but one brick."
+
+
+There had been a wordy falling-out between Mrs. Halloran and Mrs.
+Donohue; there had been words; nay, more, there had been language. Mrs.
+Halloran had gone to church early in the morning, had fulfilled the
+duties of her religion, and was returning primly home, when Mrs. Donohue
+spied her, and, still smouldering with volcanic fire, sent a broadside
+of lava at Mrs. Halloran. The latter heard, flushed, opened her
+lips--and then suddenly checked herself. After a moment she spoke: "Mrs.
+Donohue, I've just been to church, and I'm in a state of grace. But,
+plaze Hivin, the next time I meet yez, I won't be, and thin I'll till
+yez what I think of yez!"
+
+
+A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party: there is no
+battle unless there be two.--_Seneca_.
+
+
+_See also_ Marriage; Servants
+
+
+
+
+QUESTIONS
+
+
+The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she
+remembers.--_Wasp_.
+
+
+It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the twelve-twenty
+train got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one. The ensuing
+handicap was watched with absorbed interest both from the train and the
+station platform. At its conclusion the breathless and perspiring knight
+of the road wearily took the back trail, and a vacant-faced "red-cap"
+came out to relieve him of his grip.
+
+"Mister," he inquired, "was you tryin' to ketch that Pennsylvania
+train?"
+
+"No, my son," replied the patient man. "No; I was merely chasing it out
+of the yard."
+
+
+A party of young men were camping, and to avert annoying questions they
+made it a rule that the one who asked a question that he could not
+answer himself had to do the cooking.
+
+One evening, while sitting around the fire, one of the boys asked: "Why
+is it that a ground-squirrel never leaves any dirt at the mouth of its
+burrow?"
+
+They all guessed and missed. So he was asked to answer it himself.
+
+"Why," he said, "because it always begins to dig at the other end of the
+hole."
+
+"But," one asked, "how does it get to the other end of the hole?"
+
+"Well," was the reply, "that's your question."
+
+
+A browbeating lawyer was demanding that a witness answer a certain
+question either in the negative or affirmative.
+
+"I cannot do it," said the witness. "There are some questions that
+cannot be answered by a 'yes' or a 'no,' as any one knows."
+
+"I defy you to give an example to the court," thundered the lawyer.
+
+The retort came like a flash: "Are you still beating your wife?"
+
+
+Officers have a right to ask questions in the performance of their duty,
+but there are occasions when it seems as if they might curtail or forego
+the privilege. Not long ago an Irishman whose hand had been badly
+mangled in an accident entered the Boston City Hospital relief station
+in a great hurry. He stepped up to the man in charge and inquired:
+
+"Is this the relief station, sor?"
+
+"Yes. What is your name?"
+
+"Patrick O'Connor, sor."
+
+"Are you married?" questioned the officer.
+
+"Yis, sor, but is this the relief station?" He was nursing his hand in
+agony.
+
+"Of course it is. How many children have you?"
+
+"Eight, sor. But sure, this is the relief station?"
+
+"Yes, it is," replied the officer, a little angry at the man's
+persistence.
+
+"Well," said Patrick, "sure, an' I was beginning to think that it might
+be the pumping station."
+
+
+  The sages say, Dame Truth delights to dwell
+  (Strange Mansion!) in the bottom of a well:
+  Questions are then the Windlass and the rope
+  That pull the grave old Gentlewoman up.
+
+  --_John Wolcott_.
+
+
+_See also_ Curiosity.
+
+
+
+
+QUOTATIONS
+
+
+Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause to be
+anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to telegraph the
+result. The boy sent the following message to his parent: "Hymn 342,
+fifth verse, last two lines."
+
+Looking it up the father found the words: "Sorrow vanquished, labor
+ended, Jordan passed."
+
+
+
+
+RACE PREJUDICES
+
+
+A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by the
+recital of a dream had by a member of the church.
+
+"I was a-dreamin' all dis time," said the narrator, "dat I was in ole
+Satan's dominions. I tell you, pahson, dat was shore a bad dream!"
+
+"Was dere any white men dere?" asked the dusky divine.
+
+"Shore dere was--plenty of 'em," the other hastened to assure his
+minister "What was dey a-doin'?"
+
+"Ebery one of 'em," was the answer, "was a-holdin' a cullud pusson
+between him an' de fire!"
+
+
+
+
+RACE PRIDE
+
+
+Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in Huntsville,
+Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one of the services an
+old negro woman pushed her way up through the crowd to the edge of the
+pulpit platform. Sam took the perspiring black hand that was held out to
+him, and heard the old woman say: "Brudder Jones, you sho' is a fine
+preacher! Yes, suh; de Lord bless you. You's des everybody's preacher.
+You's de white folks' preacher, and de niggers' preacher, and
+everybody's preacher. Brudder Jones, yo' skin's white, but, thank de
+Lord, yo' heart's des as black as any nigger's!"
+
+
+An Irishman and a Jew were discussing the great men who had belonged to
+each race and, as may be expected, got into a heated argument. Finally
+the Irishman said:
+
+"Ikey, listen. For ivery great Jew ye can name ye may pull out one of me
+whiskers, an' for ivery great Irishman I can name I'll pull one of
+yours. Is it a go?"
+
+They consented, and Pat reached over, got hold of a whisker, said,
+"Robert Emmet,' and pulled.
+
+"Moses!" said the Jew, and pulled one of Pat's tenderest.
+
+"Dan O'Connell," said Pat and took another.
+
+"Abraham," said Ikey, helping himself again.
+
+"Patrick Henry," returned Pat with a vicious yank.
+
+"The Twelve Apostles," said the Jew, taking a handful of whiskers.
+
+Pat emitted a roar of pain, grasped the Jew's beard with both hands, and
+yelled, "The ancient Order of Hibernians!"
+
+
+
+
+RACE SUICIDE
+
+
+"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?"
+
+"Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent me a
+flat."
+
+"Well, that is his privilege."
+
+"But, your Honor, he calls his apartment house 'The Roosevelt.'"
+
+
+
+
+RACES
+
+
+In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of mankind?" a
+Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, the quartermile,
+the mile, and the three miles."
+
+
+"Now, Thomas," said the foreman of the construction gang to a green hand
+who had just been put on the job, "keep your eyes open. When you see a
+train coming throw down your tools and jump off the track. Run like
+blazes."
+
+"Sure!" said Thomas, and began to swing his pick. In a few moments the
+Empire State Express came whirling along. Thomas threw down his pick and
+started up the track ahead of the train as fast as he could run. The
+train overtook him and tossed him into a ditch. Badly shaken up he was
+taken to the hospital, where the foreman visited him.
+
+"You blithering idiot," said the foreman, "didn't I tell you to get out
+of the road? Didn't I tell you to take care and get out of the way? Why
+didn't you run up the side of the hill?"
+
+"Up the soide of the hill is it, sor?" said Thomas through the bandages
+on his face. "Up the soide of the hill? Be the powers, I couldn't bate
+it on the level, let alone runnin' uphill!"
+
+
+
+
+RAILROADS
+
+
+"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey, "des look
+at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de state, ter dem
+folks 'way up North what never done nuthin' ter deserve sich a
+dispensation!"
+
+
+On one of the southern railroads there is a station-building that is
+commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station in America.
+It is of this station that the story is told that an old farmer was
+expecting a chicken-house to arrive there, and he sent one of his hands,
+a new-comer, to fetch it. Arriving there the man saw the house, loaded
+it on to his wagon and started for home. On the way he met a man in
+uniform with the words "Station Agent" on his cap.
+
+"Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?" he asked.
+
+"My chicken-house, of course," was the reply.
+
+"Chicken-house be jiggered!" exploded the official. "That's the
+station!"
+
+
+"I read of the terrible vengeance inflicted upon one of their members by
+a band of robbers in Mississippi last week."
+
+"What did they do? Shoot him?"
+
+"No; they tied him upon the railroad tracks."
+
+"Awful! And he was ground to pieces, I suppose?"
+
+"Nothing like it. The poor fellow starved to death waiting for the next
+train."--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_.
+
+
+The reporter who had accompanied the special train to the scene of the
+wreck, hurried down the embankment and found a man who had one arm in a
+sling, a bandage over one eye, his front teeth gone, and his nose
+knocked four points to starboard, sitting on a piece of the locomotive
+and surveying the horrible ruin all about him.
+
+"Can you give me some particulars of this accident?" asked the reporter,
+taking out his notebook.
+
+"I haven't heard of any accident, young man," replied the disfigured
+party stiffly.
+
+He was one of the directors of the railroad.
+
+
+The Hon. John Sharp Williams had an engagement to speak in a small
+southern town. The train he was traveling on was not of the swiftest,
+and he lost no opportunity of keeping the conductor informed as to his
+opinions of that particular road.
+
+"Well, if yer don't like it," the conductor finally blurted out, "why in
+thunder don't yer git out an' walk?"
+
+"I would," Mr. Williams blandly replied, "but you see the committee
+doesn't expect me until this train gets in."
+
+
+"We were bounding along," said a recent traveler on a local South
+African single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven miles an hour,
+and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected every moment to see
+my bones protruding through my skin. Passengers were rolling from one
+end of the car to the other. I held on firmly to the arms of the seat.
+Presently we settled down a bit quieter; at least, I could keep my hat
+on, and my teeth didn't chatter.
+
+"There was a quiet looking man opposite me. I looked up with a ghastly
+smile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said:
+
+"'We are going a bit smoother, I see.'
+
+"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now.'"
+
+
+Three men were talking in rather a large way as to the excellent train
+service each had in his special locality: one was from the west, one
+from New England, and the other from New York. The former two had told
+of marvelous doings of trains, and it is distinctly "up" to the man from
+New York.
+
+"Now in New York," he said, "we not only run our trains fast, but we
+also start them fast. I remember the case of a friend of mine whose wife
+went to see him off for the west on the Pennsylvania at Jersey City. As
+the train was about to start my friend said his final good-by to his
+wife, and leaned down from the car platform to kiss her. The train
+started, and, would you believe it, my friend found himself kissing a
+strange woman on the platform at Trenton!"
+
+And the other men gave it up.
+
+
+"Say, young man," asked an old lady at the ticket-office, "what time
+does the next train pull in here and how long does it stay?"
+
+"From two to two to two-two," was the curt reply.
+
+"Well, I declare! Be you the whistle?"
+
+
+An express on the Long Island Railroad was tearing away at a wild and
+awe-inspiring rate of six miles an hour, when all of a sudden it stopped
+altogether. Most of the passengers did not notice the difference; but
+one of them happened to be somewhat anxious to reach his destination
+before old age claimed him for its own. He put his head through the
+window to find that the cause of the stop was a cow on the track. After
+a while they continued the journey for half an hour or so, and
+then--another stop.
+
+"What's wrong now?" asked the impatient passenger of the conductor.
+
+"A cow on the track."
+
+"But I thought you drove it off."
+
+"So we did," said the conductor, "but we caught up with it again."
+
+
+The president of one great southern railway pulled into a southern city
+in his private car. It was also the terminal of a competing road, and
+the private car of the president of the other line was on a side track.
+There was great rivalry between these two lines, which extended from the
+president of each down to the most humble employe. In the evening the
+colored cook from one of the cars wandered over to pass the time of day
+with the cook on the other car.
+
+One of these roads had recently had an appalling list of accidents, and
+the death-toll was exceptionally high. The cook from this road sauntered
+up to the back platform of the private car, and after an interchange of
+courtesies said:
+
+"Well, how am youh ole jerkwatah railroad these days? Am you habbing
+prosper's times?"
+
+"Man," said the other, "we-all am so prosperous that if we was any moah
+prosperous we just naturally couldn't stand hit."
+
+"Hough!" said the other, "we-all am moah prosperous than you-all."
+
+"Man," said the other, "we dun carry moah'n a million passengers last
+month."
+
+"Foah de Lord's sake!" ejaculated the first negro. "You-all carried
+moah'n a million passengers? Go on with you, nigger; we dun kill moah
+passengers than you carry."
+
+
+It was on a little branch railway in a southern state that the New
+England woman ventured to refer to the high rates.
+
+"It seems to me five cents a mile is extortion," she said, with
+frankness, to her southern cousin.
+
+"It's a big lot of money to pay if you think of it by the mile," said
+the southerner, in her soft drawl; "but you just think how cheap it is
+by the hour, Cousin Annie--only about thirty-five cents."--_Youth's
+Companion_.
+
+
+
+
+RAPID TRANSIT
+
+
+One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was walking
+down a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of ice under the
+snow caused him to lose control of his feet; he began to slide and was
+unable to stop.
+
+At a cross-street half-way down the decline he encountered a large,
+heavy woman, with her arms full of bundles. The meeting was sudden, and
+before either realized it a collision ensued and both were sliding down
+hill, a grand ensemble--the thin man underneath, the fat woman and
+bundles on top. When the bottom was reached and the woman was trying in
+vain to recover her breath and her feet, these faint words were borne to
+her ear:
+
+"Pardon me, madam, but you will have to get off here. This is as far as
+I go."
+
+
+
+
+READING
+
+
+_See_ Books and Reading.
+
+
+
+
+REAL ESTATE AGENTS
+
+
+Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib."
+
+ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a lie."
+
+NELLY--"No, it is not."
+
+ANITA--"Yes, it is, because my father said so, and my father is a
+professor at the university."
+
+NELLY--"I don't care if he is. My father is a real estate man, and he
+knows more about lying than your father does."
+
+
+
+
+REALISM
+
+
+The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole Olson,
+who later became the little town's mayor.
+
+"One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless, and
+breathless, come rushin' into the store, an' droppin' on his knees
+yelled, 'Yon, Yon, hide me, hide me! Ye sheriff's after me!'
+
+"'I've no place to hide you here, Ole,' said I.
+
+"'You moost, you moost!' screamed Ole.
+
+"'Crawl into that gunny-sack then,' said I.
+
+"He'd no more'n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff.
+
+"'Seen Ole?' said he.
+
+"'Don't see him here,' said I, without lyin'.
+
+"Then the sheriff went a-nosin' round an' pretty soon he spotted the
+gunny-sack over in the corner.
+
+"'What's in here?' said he.
+
+"'Oh, just some old harness and sleigh-bells,' said I.
+
+"With that he gives it an awful boot.
+
+"'Yingle, yingle, yingle!' moaned Ole."
+
+
+MOTHER--"Tommy, if you're pretending to be an automobile, I wish you'd
+run over to the store and get me some butter."
+
+TOMMY--"I'm awful sorry, Mother, but I'm all out of gasoline."--_Judge_.
+
+
+"Children," said the teacher, instructing the class in composition, "you
+should not attempt any flights of fancy; simply be yourselves and write
+what is in you. Do not imitate any other person's writings or draw
+inspiration from outside sources."
+
+As a result of this advice Tommy Wise turned out the following
+composition: "We should not attempt any flights of fancy, but write what
+is in us. In me there is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two apples,
+one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my dinner."
+
+
+"A great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of art,"
+says a New York artist, "and it must be confessed that some ground has
+been given to the enemy. Why, there recently came to my notice a
+picture of an Assyrian bath, done by a Chicago man, and so careful was
+he of all the details that the towels hanging up were all marked
+'Nebuchadnezzar' in the corner, in cuneiform characters."
+
+
+
+
+RECALL
+
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?"
+
+JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum."
+
+
+"Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in Washington for
+six years."
+
+"I don't know about that. My state has the recall."
+
+
+
+
+RECOMMENDATIONS
+
+
+A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In
+acquitting them the court, with great severity, said:
+
+"There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishes
+to know my opinion of you I hope that they will refer to me."
+
+Next day the firm's advertisement appeared in every available medium
+with the following, well displayed: "Reference as to probity, by special
+permission, the Lord Chief Justice of England."
+
+
+MISTRESS--"Have you a reference?"
+
+BRIDGET--"Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got it."
+
+
+There is a story of a Scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his gardener
+for dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wife and family, however, he
+gave him a "character," and framed it in this way: "I hereby certify
+that A. B. has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that
+time he got more out of the garden than any man I ever employed."
+
+
+The buxom maid had been hinting that she did not think much of working
+out, and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of a rather
+sheepish young man caused her mistress much apprehension.
+
+"Martha, is it possible that you are thinking of getting married?"
+
+"Yes'm," admitted Martha, blushing.
+
+"Not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately?"
+
+"Yes'm he's the one."
+
+"But you have only known him a few days."
+
+"Three weeks come Thursday," corrected Martha.
+
+"Do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking such an
+important step?"
+
+"Well," answered Martha with spirit, "'tain't 's if he was some new
+feller. He's well recommended; a perfectly lovely girl I know was
+engaged to him for a long while."
+
+
+An Englishman and an Irishman went to the captain of a ship bound for
+America and asked permission to work their passage over. The captain
+consented, but asked the Irishman for references and let the Englishman
+go on without them. This made the Irishman angry and he planned to get
+even.
+
+One day when they were washing off the deck, the Englishman leaned far
+over the rail, dropped the bucket, and was just about to haul it up when
+a huge wave came and pulled him overboard. The Irishman stopped
+scrubbing, went over to the rail and, seeing the Englishman had
+disappeared, went to the Captain and said: "Perhaps yez remember whin I
+shipped aboard this vessel ye asked me for riferences and let the
+Englishman come on widout thim?"
+
+The Captain said: "Yes, I remember."
+
+"Well, ye've been decaved," said the Irishman; "he's gone off wid yer
+pail!"
+
+
+
+
+RECONCILIATIONS
+
+
+"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing."
+
+"Why don't you make up?"
+
+"I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity."
+
+
+
+
+REFORMERS
+
+
+LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer."
+
+JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_.
+
+
+He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want land
+reform," he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want educational reform,
+I want--"
+
+And said a bored voice in the audience: "Chloroform."
+
+
+The young woman sat before her glass and gazed long and earnestly at the
+reflection there. She screwed up her face in many ways. She fluffed her
+hair and then smoothed it down again; she raised her eyes and lowered
+them; she showed her teeth and she pressed her lips tightly together. At
+last she got up, with a weary sigh, and said:
+
+"It's no use. I'll be some kind of reformer."
+
+
+
+
+REGRETS
+
+
+A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor,
+telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by post."
+
+
+After the death of Lord Houghton, there was found in his correspondence
+the following reply to a dinner invitation: "Mrs. ---- presents her
+compliments to Lord Houghton. Her husband died on Tuesday, otherwise he
+would have been delighted to dine with Lord Houghton on Thursday next."
+
+
+A young woman prominent in the social set of an Ohio town tells of a
+young man there who had not familiarized himself with the forms of
+polite correspondence to the fullest extent. When, on one occasion, he
+found it necessary to decline an invitation, he did so in the following
+terms:
+
+"Mr. Henry Blank declines with pleasure Mrs. Wood's invitation for the
+nineteenth, and thanks her extremely for having given him the
+opportunity of doing so."
+
+
+
+
+REHEARSALS
+
+
+The funeral procession was moving along the village street when Uncle
+Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," said Uncle
+Abe, "who they buryin' today?"
+
+"Pore old Tite Harrison," said the storekeeper.
+
+"Sho," said Uncle Abe. "Tite Harrison, hey? Is Tite dead?"
+
+"You don't think we're rehearsin' with him, do you?" snapped the
+storekeeper.
+
+
+
+
+RELATIVES
+
+
+"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's
+relatives."
+
+"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!"
+
+
+
+
+RELIGIONS
+
+
+When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip to
+Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might discover
+some new religion to bring home with him. "But be careful of it, Bishop
+Brooks," remarked a listening friend; "it may be difficult to get your
+new religion through the Custom House."
+
+"I guess not," replied the Bishop, laughingly, "for we may take it for
+granted that any new religion popular enough to import will have no
+duties attached to it."
+
+
+At a recent conference of Baptists, Methodists, and English Friends, in
+the city of Chengtu, China, two Chinamen were heard discussing the three
+denominations. One of them said to the other:
+
+"They say these denominations have different beliefs. Just what is the
+difference between them?"
+
+"Oh," said the other, "Not much! Big washee, little washee, no washee,
+that is all."
+
+
+A recent book on Russia relates the story of the anger of the Apostle
+John because a certain peasant burned no tapers to his ikon, but
+honored, instead, the ikon of Apostle Peter in St. John's own church.
+The two apostles talked it over as they walked the fields near Kieff,
+and Apostle John decided to send a terrible storm to destroy the just
+ripe corn of the peasant. His decision was carried out, and the next day
+he met Apostle Peter and boasted of his punishing wrath.
+
+And Apostle Peter only laughed. "Ai, yi, yi, Apostle John," he said,
+"what a mess you've made of it. I stepped around, saw my friend, and
+told him what you were going to do, so he sold his corn to the priest of
+your church."
+
+
+The priest of a New York parish met one of his parishioners, who had
+long been out of work, and asked him whether he had found anything to
+do. The man grinned with infinite satisfaction, and replied:
+
+"Yiss indade, ycr Riverince, an' a foine job too! Oi'm gettin' three
+dollars a day fur pullin' down a Prodesant church!"
+
+
+A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one night,
+but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp of a
+policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. I'm a
+somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care what your
+religion is--yer can't walk the streets in yer nightshirt."
+
+
+The friendship existing between Father Kelly and Rabbi Levi is proof
+against differences in race and religion. Each distinguished for his
+learning, his eloquence and his wit; and they delight in chaffing each
+other. They were seated opposite each other at a banquet where some
+delicious roast ham was served and Father Kelly made comments upon its
+flavor. Presently he leaned forward and in a voice that carried far, he
+addressed his friend:
+
+"Rabbi Levi, when are you going to become liberal enough to eat ham?"
+
+"At your wedding, Father Kelly," retorted the rabbi.
+
+
+The broad-minded see the truth in different religions; the narrow-minded
+see only their differences.--_Chinese Proverb_.
+
+
+
+
+REMEDIES
+
+
+MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?"
+
+MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!"
+
+
+SUFFERER--"I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it."
+
+FRIEND--"Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a toothache yesterday
+and I went home and my loving wife kissed me and so consoled me that the
+pain soon passed away. Why don't you try the same?"
+
+SUFFERER--"I think I will. Is your wife at home now?"
+
+
+  For every ill beneath the sun
+  There is some remedy or none;
+  If there be one, resolve to find it;
+  If not, submit, and never mind it.
+
+
+
+
+REMINDERS
+
+
+The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast:
+
+"Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier,
+countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole. You'll be
+sure to remember?"
+
+The tired eyes of the harassed, shabby promoter lit up with joy. He
+seized a skipping rope that lay with a heap of dolls and toys in a
+corner, and going to his wife, he said:
+
+"Here, tie my right hand to my left foot so I won't forget!"
+
+
+
+
+REPARTEE
+
+
+Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next
+morning.
+
+
+Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an
+Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures. The boss, thinking that
+he would get ahead of Pat, said: "Say, Pat, how many shirts can you get
+out of a yard?"
+
+"That depends," answered Pat, "on whose yard you get into."
+
+
+A middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the Grand
+Central Station in New York the other day.
+
+"Young man," he said, plucking his sleeve, "I wanter go to Central
+Park."
+
+The youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment.
+
+"Well," he said finally, "you may just this once. But I don't want you
+ever, _ever_ to ask me again."
+
+
+SEEDY VISITOR--"Do you have many wrecks about here, boatman?"
+
+BOATMAN--"Not very many, sir. You're the first I've seen this season."
+
+
+HER DAD--"No, sir; I won't have my daughter tied for life to a stupid
+fool."
+
+HER SUITOR--"Then don't you think you'd better let me take her off your
+hands?"
+
+
+Wendell Phillips was traveling through Ohio once when he fell in with a
+car full of ministers returning from a convention. One of the ministers,
+a southerner from Kentucky, was naturally not very cordial to the
+opinions of the great abolitionist and set out to embarrass Mr.
+Phillips. So, before the group of ministers, he said:
+
+"You are Wendell Phillips, are you not?"
+
+"Yes," answered the great abolitionist.
+
+"And you are trying to free the niggers, aren't you?"
+
+"Yes, sir; I am."
+
+"Well, why do you preach your doctrines up here? Why don't you go over
+into Kentucky?"
+
+"Excuse me, are you a preacher?"
+
+"I am, sir."
+
+"Are you trying to save souls from hell?"
+
+"Yes, sir; that is my business."
+
+"Well, why don't you go there then?" asked Mr. Phillips.
+
+
+SOLEMN SENIOR--"So your efforts to get on the team were fruitless, were
+they?"
+
+FOOLISH FRESHMAN--"Oh, no! Not at all. They gave me a lemon."--_Harvard
+Lampoon_.
+
+
+A benevolent person watched a workman laboriously windlassing rock from
+a shaft while the broiling sun was beating down on his bare head.
+
+"My dear man," observed the onlooker, "are you not afraid that your
+brain will be affected in the hot sun?"
+
+The laborer contemplated him for a moment and then replied:
+
+"Do you think a man with any brains would be working at this kind of a
+job?"
+
+
+Winston Churchill, the young English statesman, recently began to raise
+a mustache, and while it was still in the budding stage he was asked at
+a dinner party to take in to dinner an English girl who had decided
+opposing political views.
+
+"I am sorry," said Mr. Churchill, "we cannot agree on politics."
+
+"No, we can't," rejoined the girl, "for to be frank with you I like your
+politics about as little as I do your mustache."
+
+"Well," replied Mr. Churchill, "remember that you are not likely to come
+into contact with either."
+
+
+Strickland Gillilan, the lecturer and the man who pole-vaulted into fame
+by his "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in, Finnigin" verses, was about to deliver a
+lecture in a small Missouri town. He asked the chairman of the committee
+whether he might have a small pitcher of ice-water on the platform
+table.
+
+"To drink?" queried the committeeman.
+
+"No," answered Gillilan. "I do a high-diving act."
+
+
+TRAVELER--"Say, boy, your corn looks kind of yellow."
+
+BOY--"Yes, sir. That's the kind we planted."
+
+TRAVELER--"Looks as though you will only have half a crop."
+
+BOY--"Don't expect any more. The landlord gets the other half."
+
+TRAVELER (after a moment's thought)--"Say, there is not much difference
+between you and a fool."
+
+BOY--"No, sir. Only the fence."
+
+
+President Lincoln was busily engaged in his office when an attendant, a
+young man of sixteen, unceremoniously entered and gave him a card.
+Without rising, the President glanced at the card. "Pshaw. She here
+again? I told her last week that I could not interfere in her case. I
+cannot see her," he said impatiently. "Get rid of her any way you can.
+Tell her I am asleep, or anything you like."
+
+Quickly returning to the lady in an adjacent room, this exceedingly
+bright boy said to her, "The President told me to tell you that he is
+asleep."
+
+The lady's eyes sparkled as she responded, "Ah, he says he is asleep,
+eh? Well, will you be kind enough to return and ask him when he intends
+to wake up?"
+
+
+The garrulous old lady in the stern of the boat had pestered the guide
+with her comments and questions ever since they had started. Her meek
+little husband, who was hunched toad-like in the bow, fished in silence.
+The old lady had seemingly exhausted every possible point in fish and
+animal life, woodcraft, and personal history when she suddenly espied
+one of those curious paths of oily, unbroken water frequently seen on
+small lakes which are ruffled by a light breeze.
+
+"Oh, guide, guide," she exclaimed, "what makes that funny streak in the
+water--No, there--Right over there!"
+
+The guide was busy re-baiting the old gentleman's hook and merely
+mumbled "U-m-mm."
+
+"Guide," repeated the old lady in tones that were not to be denied,
+"look right over there where I'm pointing and tell me what makes that
+funny streak in the water."
+
+The guide looked up from his baiting with a sigh.
+
+"That? Oh, that's where the road went across the ice last winter."
+
+
+Nothing more clearly expresses the sentiments of Harvard men in seasons
+of athletic rivalry than the time-honored "To hell with Yale!"
+
+Once when Dean Briggs, of Harvard, and Edward Everett Hale were on their
+way to a game at Soldiers' Field a friend asked:
+
+"Where are you going, Dean?"
+
+"To yell with Hale," answered Briggs with a meaning smile.
+
+
+John Kendrick Bangs one day called up his wife on the telephone. The
+maid at the other end did not recognize her "master's voice," and after
+Bangs had told her whom he wanted the maid asked:
+
+"Do you wish to speak with Mrs. Bangs?"
+
+"No, indeed," replied the humorist; "I want to kiss her."
+
+
+A boy took a position in an office where two different telephones were
+installed.
+
+"Your wife would like to speak to you on the 'phone, sir," he said to
+his employer.
+
+"Which one?" inquired the boss, starting toward the two booths.
+
+"Please, sir, she didn't say, and I didn't know that you had more than
+one."
+
+
+An Englishman was being shown the sights along the Potomac. "Here,"
+remarked the American, "is where George Washington threw a dollar across
+the river."
+
+"Well," replied the Englishman, "that is not very remarkable, for a
+dollar went much further in those days than it does now."
+
+The American would not be worsted, so, after a short pause, he said:
+"But Washington accomplished a greater feat than that. He once chucked a
+sovereign across the Atlantic."
+
+
+Pat was busy on a road working with his coat off. There were two
+Englishmen laboring on the same road, so they decided to have a joke
+with the Irishman. They painted a donkey's head on the back of Pat's
+coat, and watched to see him put it on. Pat, of course, saw the donkey's
+head on his coat, and, turning to the Englishmen, said:
+
+"Which of yez wiped your face on me coat?"
+
+
+A district leader went to Sea Girt, in 1912, to see the Democratic
+candidate for President. In the course of an animated conversation, the
+leader, noticing that Governor Wilson's eyeglasses were perched
+perilously near the tip of his nose remarked: "Your glasses, Governor,
+are almost on your mouth."
+
+"That's all right," was the quick response. "I want to see what I'm
+talking about."
+
+
+According to the London _Globe_ two Germans were halted at the French
+frontier by the customs officers. "We have each to declare three bottles
+of red wine," said one of the Germans to the _douaniers_. "How much to
+pay?"
+
+"Where are the bottles?" asked the customs man.
+
+"They are within!" laughed the Teuton making a gesture.
+
+The French _douanier_, unruffled, took down his tariff book and read, or
+pretended to read: "Wines imported in bottles pay so much, wines
+imported in barrels pay so much, and wines _en peaux d'âne_ pay no duty.
+You can pass, gentlemen."
+
+
+A small boy was hoeing corn in a sterile field by the roadside, when a
+passer-by stopped and said:
+
+"'Pears to me your corn is rather small."
+
+"Certainly," said the boy; "it's dwarf corn."
+
+"But it looks yaller."
+
+"Certainly; we planted the yaller kind."
+
+"But it looks as if you wouldn't get more than half a crop."
+
+"Of course not; we planted it on halves."
+
+
+
+
+REPORTING
+
+
+_See_ Journalism; Newspapers.
+
+
+
+
+REPUBLICAN PARTY
+
+
+The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention in
+Baltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally well-known
+Democrat:
+
+"I understand there were some Republicans at the banquet last night."
+
+"Oh, yes," said the Democrat genially, "one waited on me."
+
+
+
+
+REPUTATION
+
+
+Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they ought
+to, but really can't.--_Frank Richardson_.
+
+
+
+
+RESEMBLANCES
+
+
+Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the local pride
+of one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He also has the
+prejudice against being taken for an Indianian which seems inherent in
+all native-born Kentuckians. While coming to Congress, several sessions
+ago, he was approached in the Pullman coach by a New Yorker, who, after
+bowing politely to him, said:
+
+"Is not this Senator Blackburn of Indiana?"
+
+The Kentuckian sprang from his seat, and glaring at his interlocutor
+exclaimed angrily:
+
+"No, sir, by ----. The reason I look so bad is I have been sick!"
+
+
+"Every time the baby looks into my face he smiles," said Mr. Meekins.
+
+"Well," answered his wife, "it may not be exactly polite, but it shows
+he has a sense of humor."
+
+
+Mark Twain constantly received letters and photographs from men who had
+been told that they looked like him. One was from Florida, and the
+likeness, as shown by the man's picture, was really remarkable so
+remarkable, indeed, that Mr. Clemens sent the following acknowledgment:
+
+    "My Dear Sir: I thank you very much for your letter and the
+    photograph. In my opinion you are certainly more like me than
+    any other of my doubles. In fact, I am sure that if you stood
+    before me in a mirrorless frame I could shave by you."
+
+
+NEIGHBOR: "Johnny, I think in looks you favor your mother a great deal."
+
+JOHNNY: "Well. I may look like her, but do you tink dat's a favor?"
+
+
+
+
+RESIGNATION
+
+
+"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the
+minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting.
+
+"No, sir, I don't," replied the deacon "You've been preachin' on the
+subject of resignation for two years an' ye haven't resigned yet."
+
+
+
+
+RESPECTABILITY
+
+
+"Is he respectable?"'
+
+"Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealing
+a railroad."--_Wasp_.
+
+
+
+
+REST CURE
+
+
+A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair
+of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door in Wyoming
+and asked for light housework. She said that her name was Lizzie, and
+explained that she had been ill with typhoid and was convalescing.
+
+"Where did you come from, Lizzie?" inquired the woman of the house.
+"Where have you been?"
+
+"I've been workin' out on Howell's ranch," replied Lizzie, "diggin'
+post-holes while I was gittin' my strength back."
+
+
+
+
+RETALIATION
+
+
+You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always comin' up
+and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are ye?'"
+
+"I know him."
+
+"I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me--some of them clear
+Havanny--but I'll get even with him now."
+
+"How will you do it?"
+
+"I'll tell ye. Jim always hits me over the vest pocket where I carry my
+cigars. He'll hit me just once more. There's no cigar in me vest pocket
+this mornin'. Instead of it, there's a stick of dynamite, d'ye mind!"
+
+
+Once when Henry Ward Beecher was in the midst of an eloquent political
+speech some wag in the audience crowed like a cock. It was done to
+perfection and the audience was convulsed with laughter. The great
+orator's friends felt uneasy as to his reception of the interruption.
+
+But Mr. Beecher stood perfectly calm. He stopped speaking, listened till
+the crowing ceased, and while the audience was laughing he pulled out
+his watch. Then he said: "That's strange. My watch says it is only ten
+o'clock. But there can't be any mistake about it. It must be morning,
+for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."
+
+
+An Episcopal clergyman, rector of a fashionable church in one of
+Boston's most exclusive suburbs, so as not to be bothered with the
+innumerable telephone calls that fall to one in his profession, had his
+name left out of the telephone book. A prominent merchant of the same
+name, living in the same suburb, was continually annoyed by requests to
+officiate at funerals and baptisms. He went to the rector, told his
+troubles in a kindly way, and asked the parson to have his name put in
+the directory. But without success.
+
+The merchant then determined to complain to the telephone company. As he
+was writing the letter, one Saturday evening, the telephone rang and the
+timid voice of a young man asked if the Rev. Mr. Blank would marry him
+at once. A happy thought came to the merchant: "No, I'm too damn busy
+writing my sermon," he replied.
+
+
+
+REVOLUTIONS
+
+
+Haiti was in the midst of a revolution.
+
+As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that a
+third was about to be caught between them.
+
+The commander of the third party saw the predicament. On the right
+government troops, on the left insurgents.
+
+"General, why do you not give the order to fire?" asked an aide, dashing
+up on a lame mule.
+
+"I would like to," responded the general, "but, Great Scott! I can't
+remember which side we're fighting for."
+
+
+
+
+REWARDS
+
+
+  Said a great Congregational preacher
+  To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature."
+    And the hen, just for that,
+    Laid an egg in his hat,
+  And thus did the Hen reward Beecher.
+
+
+
+
+RHEUMATISM
+
+
+FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going
+to rain, ye know."
+
+MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o'
+such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatis
+for?"--_Tit-Bits_.
+
+
+
+
+ROADS
+
+
+A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, and
+the latter complained of the mud in America.
+
+"Yes," said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over here."
+
+"Nonsense!" said the Englishman.
+
+"Fact," the American replied. "Why, this afternoon I had a remarkable
+adventure--came near getting into trouble with an old gentleman--all
+through your confounded mud."
+
+"Some of the streets are a little greasy at this season, I admit," said
+the Englishman. "What was your adventure, though?"
+
+"Well," said the American, "as I was walking along I noticed that the
+mud was very thick, and presently I saw a high hat afloat on a large
+puddle of very rich ooze. Thinking to do some one a kindness, I gave the
+hat a poke with my stick, when an old gentleman looked up from beneath,
+surprised and frowning. 'Hello!' I said. 'You're in pretty deep!'
+'Deeper than you think,' he said. 'I'm on the top of an omnibus!'"
+
+
+
+
+ROASTS
+
+
+As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel he
+was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of the meal,
+stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching Faversham
+eat. At length, unable to endure it any longer, Mr. Faversham rang the
+bell and said:
+
+"Waiter, kindly turn that gentleman around. I think he is done on that
+side."
+
+
+
+
+ROOSEVELT, THEODORE
+
+
+A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay some
+years ago, while he was president. The host met them with coat and
+collar off, mopping his brow.
+
+"Ah, gentlemen," he said, "dee-lighted to see you. Dee-lighted. But I'm
+very busy putting in my hay just now. Come down to the barn with me and
+we'll talk things over while I work."
+
+Down to the barn hustled President and delegation.
+
+Mr. Roosevelt seized a pitchfork and--but where was the hay?
+
+"John!" shouted the President. "John! where's all the hay?"
+
+"Sorry, sir," came John's voice from the loft, "but I ain't had time to
+throw it back since you threw it up for yesterday's delegation."
+
+
+
+
+SALARIES
+
+
+A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. The
+teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, "I hope
+you're not afraid of microbes."
+
+"Not a bit of it," the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe could
+live on my salary!"--_Frances Kirkland_.
+
+
+
+
+SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
+
+
+A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that reads:
+
+
+    Watermelons
+
+  Our choice    25 cents.
+
+  Your choice   35 cents.
+
+--_Elgin Burroughs_.
+
+
+The quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a well-known
+merchant was severely tested one day. He sent in his card by the
+office-boy to the manager of a large concern, whose inner office was
+separated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass partition. When the
+boy handed his card to the manager the salesman saw him impatiently tear
+it in half and throw it in the waste-basket; the boy came out and told
+the caller that he could not see the chief. The salesman told the boy to
+go back and get him his card; the boy brought out five cents, with the
+message that his card was torn up. Then the salesman took out another
+card and sent the boy back, saying: "Tell your boss I sell two cards for
+five cents."
+
+He got his interview and sold a large bill of goods.
+
+
+A young man entered a hat store and asked to see the latest styles in
+derbies. He was evidently hard to please, for soon the counter was
+covered with hats that he had tried on and found wanting. At last the
+salesman picked up a brown derby, brushed it off on his sleeve, and
+extended it admiringly.
+
+"These are being very much worn this season, sir," he said. "Won't you
+try it on?"
+
+The customer put the hat on and surveyed himself critically in the
+mirror. "You're sure it's in style?"
+
+"The most fashionable thing we have in the shop, sir. And it suits you
+to perfection--if the fit's right."
+
+"Yes, it fits very well. So you think I had better have it?"
+
+"I don't think you could do better."
+
+"No, I don't think I could. So I guess I won't buy a new one after all."
+
+The salesman had been boosting the customer's old hat, which had become
+mixed among the many new ones.
+
+
+VISITOR--"Can I see that motorist who was brought here an hour ago?"
+
+NURSE--"He hasn't come to his senses yet."
+
+VISITOR--"Oh, that's all right. I only want to sell him another
+car."--_Judge_.
+
+
+"That fellow is too slick for me. Sold me a lot that was two feet under
+water. I went around to demand my money back."
+
+"Get it?"
+
+"Get nothing! Then he sold me a second-hand gasoline launch and a copy
+of 'Venetian Life,' by W.D. Howells."
+
+
+In a small South Carolina town that was "finished" before the war, two
+men were playing checkers in the back of a store. A traveling man who
+was making his first trip to the town was watching the game, and, not
+being acquainted with the business methods of the citizens, he called
+the attention of the owner of the store to some customers who had just
+entered the front door.
+
+"Sh! Sh!" answered the storekeeper, making another move on the
+checkerboard. "Keep perfectly quiet and they'll go out."
+
+
+  He who finds he has something to sell,
+  And goes and whispers it down a well,
+  Is not so apt to collar the dollars,
+  As he who climbs a tree and hollers.
+
+  --_The Advertiser_
+
+
+
+
+SALOONS
+
+
+"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who landed
+at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the 'bus driver.
+
+"See that millinery shop over there?" asked the driver, pointing to a
+building near the depot.
+
+"You don't mean to say they sell whiskey in a millinery store?"
+exclaimed the drummer.
+
+"No, I mean that's the only place here they don't sell it," said the
+'bus man.
+
+
+
+
+SALVATION
+
+
+WILLIS--"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buy
+their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church when they
+die."
+
+GILLIS--"I don't know but that they stand as much chance as some of
+these other rich fellows who are trying to get in on the instalment plan
+of ten cents a Sunday while they're living."--_Lauren S. Hamilton_.
+
+
+An Italian noble at church one day gave a priest who begged for the
+souls in purgatory, a piece of gold.
+
+"Ah, my lord," said the good father, "you have now delivered a soul."
+
+The count threw another piece upon the plate.
+
+"Here is another soul delivered," said the priest.
+
+"Are you positive of it?" replied the count.
+
+"Yes, my lord," replied the priest; "I am certain they are now in
+heaven."
+
+"Then," said the count, "I'll take back my money, for it signifies
+nothing to you now, seeing the souls have already got to heaven."
+
+
+An Episcopal missionary in Wyoming visited one of the outlying districts
+in his territory for the purpose of conducting prayer in the home of a
+large family not conspicuous for its piety. He made known his intentions
+to the woman of the house, and she murmured vaguely that "she'd go out
+and see." She was long in returning, and after a tiresome wait the
+missionary went to the door and called with some impatience:
+
+"Aren't you coming in? Don't you care anything about your souls?"
+
+"Souls?" yelled the head of the family from the orchard. "We haven't got
+time to fool with our souls when the bees are swarmin'."
+
+
+Edith was light-hearted and merry over everything. Nothing appealed to
+her seriously. So, one day, her mother decided to invite a very serious
+young parson to dinner, and he was placed next the light-hearted girl.
+Everything went well until she asked him:
+
+"You speak of everybody having a mission. What is yours?"
+
+"My mission," said the parson, "is to save young men."
+
+"Good," replied the girl, "I'm glad to meet you. I wish you'd save one
+for me."
+
+
+
+
+SAVING
+
+
+Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by your
+heirs.--_Puck_.
+
+
+"Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?"
+
+"Oh, no! I never shop when it rains."
+
+
+JOHNNY--"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?"
+
+PAPA--"Certainly, my son."
+
+JOHNNY--"Well, I saved it for you, all right. You said if I brought a
+first-class report from my teacher this week you would give me a dollar,
+and I didn't bring it."
+
+
+According to the following story, economy has its pains as well as its
+pleasures, even after the saving is done.
+
+One spring, for some reason, old Eli was going round town with the face
+of dissatisfaction, and, when questioned, poured forth his voluble tale
+of woe thus:
+
+"Marse Geo'ge, he come to me last fall an' he say, 'Eli, dis gwine ter
+be a hard winter, so yo' be keerful, an' save yo' wages fas' an' tight.'
+
+"An' I b'lieve Marse Geo'ge, yas, sah, I b'lieve him, an' I save an' I
+save, an' when de winter come it ain't got no hardship, an' dere was I
+wid all dat money jes' frown on mah hands!"
+
+
+"Robert dear," said the coy little maiden to her sweetheart, "I'm sure
+you love me; but give me some proof of it, darling. We can't marry on
+fifteen dollars a week, you know."
+
+"Well, what do you want me to do?" said he, with a grieved air.
+
+"Why, save up a thousand dollars, and have it safe in the bank, and then
+I'll marry you."
+
+About two months later she cuddled up close to him on the sofa one
+evening, and said:
+
+"Robert dear, have you saved up that thousand yet?"
+
+"Why, no, my love," he replied; "not all of it."
+
+"How much have you saved, darling?"
+
+"Just two dollars and thirty-five cents, dear."
+
+"Oh, well," said the sweet young thing as she snuggled a little closer,
+"don't let's wait any longer, darling. I guess that'll do."--_R.M.
+Winans_.
+
+
+_See_ also Economy; Thrift.
+
+
+
+
+SCANDAL
+
+
+An ill wind that blows nobody good.
+
+
+
+
+SCHOLARSHIP
+
+
+There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated from
+Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first term, he
+exulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his class. But the
+old gentleman was not satisfied.
+
+"_Next_ to the head!" he exclaimed. "What do you mean? I'd like to know
+what you think I'm sending you to college for? _Next_ to the head! Why
+aren't you at the head, where you ought to be?"
+
+At this the son was much crestfallen; but upon his return, he went about
+his work with such ambition that at the end of the term he found himself
+in the coveted place. When he went home that year he felt very proud. It
+would be great news for the old man.
+
+When the announcement was made, the father contemplated his son for a
+few minutes in silence; then, with a shrug, he remarked:
+
+"At the head of the class, eh? Well, that's a fine commentary on Yale
+University!"--_Howard Morse_.
+
+
+"Well, there were only three boys in school to-day who could answer one
+question that the teacher asked us," said a proud boy of eight.
+
+"And I hope my boy was one of the three," said the proud mother.
+
+"Well, I was," answered Young Hopeful, "and Sam Harris and Harry Stone
+were the other two."
+
+"I am very glad you proved yourself so good a scholar, my son; it makes
+your mother proud of you. What question did the teacher ask, Johnnie?"
+
+"'Who broke the glass in the back window?'"
+
+
+Sammy's mother was greatly distressed because he had such poor marks in
+his school work. She scolded, coaxed, even promised him a dime if he
+would do better. The next day he came running home.
+
+"Oh, mother," he shouted, "I got a hundred!"
+
+"And what did you get a hundred in?"
+
+"In two things," replied Sammy without hesitation. "I got forty in
+readin' and sixty in spellin'."
+
+
+Who ceases to be a student has never been one.--_George Iles_.
+
+
+_See also_ College students.
+
+
+
+
+SCHOOLS
+
+
+"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well." "That's too
+bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you feel worst?"
+
+"In school, mamma."
+
+
+
+
+SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT
+
+
+The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in railroad
+enterprise in Central America, was seeking local support for a road and
+attempted to give the matter point. He asked a native:
+
+"How long does it take you to carry your goods to market by muleback?"
+
+"Three days," was the reply.
+
+"There's the point," said Miller. "With our road in operation you could
+take your goods to market and be back home in one day."
+
+"Very good, senor," answered the native. "But what would we do with the
+other two days?"
+
+
+A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during the
+afternoon:
+
+"By the way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could do to
+get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or something."
+
+"Oh, no," replied the owner "Oh, no, that's all right."
+
+"Why is it?" asked the visitor.
+
+"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate pumps
+two buckets of water into the tank on the roof."
+
+
+
+
+SCOTCH, THE
+
+
+A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on his
+neighbors on week days.
+
+
+It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in Missouri so
+divided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a single man
+prohibits the sale of liquor there. "And what," he asked, "do you
+suppose is the name of the chap who keeps a whole county dry?"
+
+Nobody had an idea.
+
+"Mackintosh, as I'm alive!" declared the southerner.
+
+Everybody laughed except the Englishman. "It's just like a Scotsman to
+be so obstinate!" he sniffed, and was much astonished when the rest of
+the party laughed more than ever.
+
+
+A Scottish minister, taking his walk early in the morning, found one of
+his parishioners recumbent in a ditch.
+
+"Where hae you been the nicht, Andrew?" asked the minister.
+
+"Weel, I dinna richtly ken," answered the prostrate one, "whether it was
+a wedding' or a funeral, but whichever it was it was a most
+extraordinary success."
+
+
+_See also_ Thrift.
+
+
+
+
+SEASICKNESS
+
+
+A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing seasickness for
+the first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he said in a weak
+voice: "Jennie, my will is in the Commercial Trust Company's care.
+Everything is left to you, dear. My various stocks you will find in my
+safe-deposit box." Then he said fervently: "And, Jenny, bury me on the
+other side. I can't stand this trip again, alive or dead."--_Joe King_.
+
+
+Motto for the dining saloon of an ocean steamship: "Man wants but little
+here below, nor wants that little long."
+
+
+On the steamer the little bride was very much concerned about her
+husband, who was troubled with dyspepsia.
+
+"My husband is peculiarly liable to seasickness, Captain," remarked the
+bride. "Could you tell him what to do in case of an attack?"
+
+"That won't be necessary, Madam," replied the Captain; "he'll do it."
+
+
+A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental winter
+resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable, of the
+unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he asked.
+
+A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held up his
+hand. "He is a man, sir," he replied, with a reminiscent look on his
+face, "who brings you a basin."
+
+
+"The first day out was perfectly lovely," said the young lady just back
+from abroad. "The water was as smooth as glass, and it was simply
+gorgeous. But the second day was rough and--er--decidedly disgorgeous."
+
+
+The great ocean liner rolled and pitched.
+
+"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?"
+
+"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer.
+
+Then there was an eloquent silence.
+
+"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away, "I thought
+that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!"
+
+
+  There was a young man from Ostend,
+  Who vowed he'd hold out to the end;
+    But when half way over
+    From Calais to Dover,
+  He did what he didn't intend.
+
+
+
+
+SEASONS
+
+
+  There was a young fellow named Hall,
+  Who fell in the spring in the fall;
+    'Twould have been a sad thing
+    If he'd died in the spring,
+  But he didn't--he died in the fall.
+
+
+
+
+SENATORS
+
+
+A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to something
+worse.
+
+
+"You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you not?"
+said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions.
+
+"Yes, miss," answered Senator Sorghum, blandly; "I think I have
+participated in some of the richest hauls that legislation ever made."
+
+
+An aviator alighted on a field and said to a rather well-dressed
+individual: "Here, mind my machine a minute, will you?"
+
+"What?" the well-dressed individual snarled. "Me mind your machine? Why,
+I'm a United States Senator!"
+
+"Well, what of it?" said the aviator. "I'll trust you."
+
+
+
+
+SENSE OF HUMOR
+
+
+  "What of his sense of humor?"
+  "Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once."
+
+  --_Richard Kirk_.
+
+
+"A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life," says Rear
+Admiral Buhler. "But even a sense of humor may exist in excess. I have
+in mind the case of a British soldier who was sentenced to be flogged.
+During the flogging he laughed continually. The harder the lash was laid
+on, the harder the soldier laughed.
+
+"'Wot's so funny about bein' flogged?' demanded the sergeant.
+
+"'Why,' the soldier chuckled, 'I'm the wrong man.'"
+
+
+Mark Twain once approached a friend, a business man, and confided to him
+that he needed the assistance of a stenographer.
+
+"I can send you one, a fine young fellow," the friend said, "He came to
+my office yesterday in search of a position, but I didn't have an
+opening."
+
+"Has he a sense of humor?" Mark asked cautiously.
+
+"A sense of humor? He has--in fact, he got off one or two pretty witty
+things himself yesterday," the friend hastened to assure him.
+
+"Sorry, but he won't do, then," Mark said.
+
+"Won't do? Why?"
+
+"No," said Mark. "I had one once before with a sense of humor, and it
+interfered too much with the work. I cannot afford to pay a man two
+dollars a day for laughing."
+
+
+The perception of the ludicrous is a pledge of sanity.--_Emerson_.
+
+
+
+
+SENTRIES
+
+
+_See_ Armies.
+
+
+
+
+SERMONS
+
+
+_See_ Preaching.
+
+
+
+
+SERVANTS
+
+
+TOMMY--"Pop, what is it that the Bible says is here to-day and gone
+to-morrow?"
+
+POP--"Probably the cook, my son."
+
+
+As usual, they began discussing the play after the theater. "Well, how
+did you like the piece, my dear?" asked the fond husband who had always
+found his wife a good critic.
+
+"Very much. There's only one improbable thing in it: the second act
+takes place two years after the first, and they have the same servant."
+
+
+SMITH--"We are certainly in luck with our new cook--soup, meat,
+vegetables and dessert, everything perfect!"
+
+MRS. S.--"Yes, but the dessert was made by her successor."
+
+
+THE NEW GIRL--"An' may me intended visit me every Sunday afternoon,
+ma'am?"
+
+MISTRESS--"Who is your intended, Delia?"
+
+THE NEW GIRL--"I don't know yet, ma'am. I'm a stranger in town."
+
+
+"And do you have to be called in the morning?" asked the lady who was
+about to engage a new girl.
+
+"I don't has to be, mum," replied the applicant, "unless you happens to
+need me."
+
+
+A maid dropped and broke a beautiful platter at a dinner recently. The
+host did not permit a trifle like this to ruffle him in the least.
+
+"These little accidents happen 'most every day," he said apologetically.
+"You see, she isn't a trained waitress. She was a dairymaid originally,
+but she had to abandon that occupation on account of her inability to
+handle the cows without breaking their horns."
+
+
+Young housewives obliged to practice strict economy will sympathize with
+the sad experience of a Washington woman.
+
+When her husband returned home one evening he found her dissolved in
+tears, and careful questioning elicited the reason for her grief.
+
+"Dan," said she, "every day this week I have stopped to look at a
+perfect love of a hat in Mme. Louise's window. Such a hat, Dan, such a
+beautiful hat! But the price--well, I wanted it the worst way, but just
+couldn't afford to buy it."
+
+"Well, dear," began the husband recklessly, "we might manage to--"
+
+"Thank you, Dan," interrupted the wife, "but there isn't any 'might'
+about it. I paid the cook this noon, and what do you think? She marched
+right down herself and bought that hat!"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+It is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the sentiment
+good-naturedly expressed by a Scandinavian servant, recently taken into
+the service of a young matron of Chicago.
+
+The youthful assumer of household cares was disposed to be a trifle
+patronizing.
+
+"Now, Lena," she asked earnestly, "are you a _good_ cook?"
+
+"Ya-as, 'm, I tank so," said the girl, with perfect naiveté, "if you
+vill not try to help me."--_Elgin Burroughs_.
+
+"Have you a good cook now?"
+
+"I don't know. I haven't been home since breakfast!"
+
+
+MRS. LITTLETOWN--"This magazine looks rather the worse for wear."
+
+MRS. NEARTOWN--"Yes, it's the one I sometimes lend to the servant on
+Sundays."
+
+MRS. LITTLETOWN--"Doesn't she get tired of always reading the same one?"
+
+MRS. NEARTOWN--"Oh, no. You see, it's the same book, but it's always a
+different servant."--_Suburban Life_.
+
+
+MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"What is your name?"
+
+APPLICANT FOR COOKSHIP--"Miss Arlington."
+
+MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"Do you expect to be called Miss Arlington?"
+
+APPLICANT---"No, ma'am; not if you have an alarm clock in my room."
+
+
+MISTRESS--"Nora, I saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss a baby. I
+hope you will remember my objection to such things."
+
+NORA--"Sure, ma'am, no policeman would ever think iv kissin' yer baby
+whin I'm around."
+
+_See also_ Gratitude; Recommendations.
+
+
+
+
+SHOPPING
+
+
+CLERK--"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife wants me to go
+shopping with her."
+
+EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much too busy."
+
+CLERK--"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!"
+
+
+
+
+SHYNESS
+
+
+The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story on
+himself to some friends:
+
+"I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I went into
+the library to do some literary work. I was very busy and looked so, I
+suppose. I had no sooner started to write than a diffident-looking young
+man plumped into the chair opposite me, began twirling his cap and
+stared at me. I let him sit there. An hour or more passed, and he was
+still there, returning my occasional and discouraging glances at him
+with a foolish, ingratiating smile. I was inclined to be annoyed. I had
+a suspicion that he was a reader of my books, perhaps an admirer--or an
+autograph-hunter. He could wait. But at last he rose, and still twirling
+his cap, he spoke:
+
+"'Excuse me, Doctor Watson; I'm getting deathly sick in here and I'm
+real sorry to disturb you, but I thought you'd like to know that just as
+soon as you left her Mrs. Watson fell down the companionway stairs, and
+I guess she hurt herself pretty badly.'"
+
+
+
+
+SIGNS
+
+
+When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his brother
+opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of "Ed. Wolcott
+& Bro." Later the partnership was dissolved. The future senator packed
+his few assets, including the sign that had hung outside of his office,
+upon a burro and started for Georgetown, a mining town farther up in the
+hills. Upon his arrival he was greeted by a crowd of miners who
+critically surveyed him and his outfit. One of them, looking first at
+the sign that hung over the pack, then at Wolcott, and finally at the
+donkey, ventured:
+
+"Say, stranger, which of you is Ed?"
+
+
+"Buck" Kilgore, of Texas, who once kicked open the door of the House of
+Representatives when Speaker Reed had all doors locked to prevent the
+minority from leaving the floor and thus escaping a vote, was noted for
+his indifference to forms and rules. Speaker Reed, annoyed by members
+bringing lighted cigars upon the floor of the House just before opening
+time, had signs conspicuously posted as follows: "No smoking on the
+floor of the House." One day just before convening the House his eagle
+eye detected Kilgore nonchalantly puffing away at a fat cigar. Calling a
+page, he told him to give his compliments to the gentleman from Texas
+and ask him if he had not seen the signs. After a while the page
+returned and seated himself without reporting to the Speaker, and Mr.
+Reed was irritated to see the gentleman from Texas continue his smoke.
+With a frown he summoned the page and asked:
+
+"Did you tell the gentleman from Texas what I said?"
+
+"I did," replied the page.
+
+"What did he say?" asked Reed.
+
+"Well--er," stammered the page, "he said to give his compliments to you
+and tell you he did not believe in signs."
+
+
+
+
+SILENCE
+
+
+A conversation with an Englishman.--_Heine_.
+
+
+BALL-"What is silence?"
+
+HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience."
+
+
+The other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was playing a
+closely contested game of golf. He carefully teed up his ball and
+addressed it with the most aproved grace; he raised his driver and hit
+the ball a tremendous clip, but instead of soaring into the azure it
+perversely went about twelve feet to the right and then buzzed around in
+a circle. The clerical gentleman frowned, scowled, pursed up his mouth
+and bit his lips, but said nothing, and a friend who stood by him said:
+"Doctor, that is the most profane silence I ever witnessed."
+
+
+
+
+SIN
+
+
+  Man-like is it to fall into sin,
+  Fiend-like is it to dwell therein,
+  Christ-like is it for sin to grieve,
+  God-like is it all sin to leave.
+
+  --_Friedrich von Logan_.
+
+
+"Now," said the clergyman to the Sunday-school class, "can any of you
+tell me what are sins of omission?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said the small boy. "They are the sins we ought to have done
+and haven't."
+
+
+
+
+SINGERS
+
+
+As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Johnnie became greatly
+exercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra conductor.
+
+"What's that man shaking his stick at her for?" he demanded indignantly.
+
+"Sh-h! He's not shaking his stick at her."
+
+But Johnny was not convinced.
+
+"Then what in thunder's she hollering for?"
+
+
+A visiting clergyman was occupying a pulpit in St. Louis one Sunday when
+it was the turn of the bass to sing a solo, which he did very badly, to
+the annoyance of the preacher, a lover of music. When the singer fell
+back in his seat, red of face and exhausted, the clergyman arose, placed
+his hands on the unopened Bible, deliberately surveyed the faces of the
+congregation, and announced the text:
+
+"And the wind ceased and there was a great calm."
+
+It wasn't the text he had chosen, but it fitted his sermon as well as
+the occasion.
+
+
+One cold, wet, and windy night he came upon a negro shivering in the
+doorway of an Atlanta store. Wondering what the darky could be doing,
+standing on a cold, wet night in such a draughty position, the
+proprietor of the shop said:
+
+"Jim, what are you doing here?"
+
+"'Sense me, sir," said Jim, "but I'm gwine to sing bass tomorrow mornin'
+at church, an' I am tryin' to ketch a cold."--_Howard Morse_.
+
+
+"The man who sings all day at work is a happy man."
+
+"Yes, but how about the man who works and has to listen to him?" Miss
+Jeanette Gilder was one of the ardent enthusiasts at the debut of
+Tetrazzini. After the first act she rushed to the back of the house to
+greet one of her friends. "Don't you think she is a wonder?" she asked
+excitedly.
+
+"She is a great singer unquestionably," responded her more phlegmatic
+friend, "but the registers of her voice are not so even as, for
+instance, Melba's."
+
+"Oh, bother Melba," said Miss Gilder. "Tetrazzini gives infinitely more
+heat from her registers."
+
+
+At a certain Scottish dinner it was found that every one had contributed
+to the evening's entertainment but a certain Doctor MacDonald.
+
+"Come, come, Doctor MacDonald," said the chairman, "we cannot let you
+escape."
+
+The doctor protested that he could not sing.
+
+"My voice is altogether unmusical, and resembles the sound caused by the
+act of rubbing a brick along the panels of a door."
+
+The company attributed this to the doctor's modesty. Good singers, he
+was reminded, always needed a lot of pressing.
+
+"Very well," said the doctor, "if you can stand it I will sing."
+
+Long before he had finished his audience was uneasy.
+
+There was a painful silence as the doctor sat down, broken at length by
+the voice of a braw Scot at the end of the table.
+
+"Mon," he exclaimed, "your singin's no up to much, but your veracity's
+just awful. You're richt aboot that brick."
+
+
+  She smiles, my darling smiles, and all
+    The world is filled with light;
+  She laughs--'tis like the bird's sweet call,
+    In meadows fair and bright.
+  She weeps--the world is cold and gray,
+    Rain-clouds shut out the view;
+  She sings--I softly steal away
+    And wait till she gets through.
+
+
+  God sent his singers upon earth
+  With songs of gladness and of mirth,
+  That they might touch the hearts of men,
+  And bring them back to heaven again.
+
+  --_Longfellow_.
+
+
+
+
+SKATING
+
+
+A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung over her
+arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat.
+
+"Thank you very much, sir," she said, "but I've been skating all
+afternoon, and I'm tired of sitting down."
+
+
+
+
+SKY-SCRAPERS
+
+
+_See_ Buildings.
+
+
+
+
+SLEEP
+
+Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from insomnia
+told me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink two or three
+glasses of milk before going to bed," said he, "and I'll warrant you'll
+be asleep within half an hour." I did as he suggested, and now for the
+benefit of others who may be afflicted with insomnia, I feel it my duty
+to report what happened, so far as I am able to recall the details.
+
+First, let me say my friend was right. I did go to sleep very soon after
+my retirement. Then a friend with his head under his arm came along and
+asked me if I wanted to buy his feet. I was negotiating with him, when
+the dragon on which I was riding slipped out of his skin and left me
+floating in mid-air. While I was considering how I should get down, a
+bull with two heads peered over the edge of the wall and said he would
+haul me up if I would first climb up and rig a windlass for him. So as I
+was sliding down the mountainside the brakeman came in, and I asked him
+when the train would reach my station.
+
+"We passed your station four hundred years ago," he said, calmly folding
+the train up and slipping it into his vest pocket.
+
+At this juncture the clown bounded into the ring and pulled the
+center-pole out of the ground, lifting the tent and all the people in it
+up, up, while I stood on the earth below watching myself go out of sight
+among the clouds above. Then I awoke, and found I had been asleep almost
+ten minutes.--_The Good Health Clinic_.
+
+
+
+
+SMILES
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Niger,
+  Who went for a ride on a tiger;
+    They returned from the ride
+    With the lady inside,
+  And a smile on the face of the tiger.
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+
+
+SMOKING
+
+A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.--_Rudyard
+Kipling_.
+
+
+AUNT MARY--(horrified) "Good gracious. Harold, what would your mother
+say if she saw you smoking cigarets?" HAROLD (calmly)--"She'd have a
+fit. They're her cigarets."
+
+
+An Irish soldier on sentry duty had orders to allow no one to smoke near
+his post. An officer with a lighted cigar approached whereupon Pat
+boldly challenged him and ordered him to put it out at once.
+
+The officer with a gesture of disgust threw away his cigar, but no
+sooner was his back turned than Pat picked it up and quietly retired to
+the sentry box.
+
+The officer happening to look around, observed a beautiful cloud of
+smoke issuing from the box. He at once challenged Pat for smoking on
+duty.
+
+"Smoking, is it, sor? Bedad, and I'm only keeping it lit to show the
+corporal when he comes as evidence agin you."
+
+
+
+
+SNEEZING
+
+
+While campaigning in Iowa Speaker Cannon was once inveigled into
+visiting the public schools of a town where he was billed to speak. In
+one of the lower grades an ambitious teacher called upon a youthful
+Demosthenes to entertain the distinguished visitor with an exhibition of
+amateur oratory. The selection attempted was Byron's "Battle of
+Waterloo," and just as the boy reached the end of the first paragraph
+Speaker Cannon gave vent to a violent sneeze. "But, hush! hark!"
+declaimed the youngster; "a deep sound strikes like a rising knell! Did
+ye not hear it?"
+
+The visitors smiled and a moment later the second sneeze--which the
+Speaker was vainly trying to hold back--came with increased violence.
+
+"But, hark!" bawled the boy, "that heavy sound breaks in once more, and
+nearer, clearer, deadlier than before! Arm! arm! it is--it is--the
+cannon's opening roar!"
+
+This was too much, and the laugh that broke from the party swelled to a
+roar when "Uncle Joe" chuckled: "Put up yout weapons, children; I won't
+shoot any more."
+
+
+
+
+SNOBBERY
+
+
+Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position.
+
+
+
+
+SNORING
+
+
+Snore--An unfavorable report from headquarters.--_Foolish Dictionary_.
+
+
+
+
+SOCIALISTS
+
+
+Among the stories told of the late Baron de Rothschild is one which
+details how a "change of heart" once came to his valet--an excellent
+fellow, albeit a violent "red."
+
+Alphonse was as good a servant as one would wish to employ, and as his
+socialism never got farther than attending a weekly meeting, the baron
+never objected to his political faith. After a few months of these
+permissions to absent himself from duty, his employer noticed one week
+that he did not ask to go. The baron thought Alphonse might have
+forgotten the night, but when the next week he stayed at home, he
+inquired what was up.
+
+"Sir," said the valet, with the utmost dignity, "some of my former
+colleagues have worked out a calculation that if all the wealth in
+France were divided equally per capita, each individual would be the
+possessor of two thousand francs."
+
+Then he stopped as if that told the whole story, so said the baron,
+"What of that?"
+
+"Sir," came back from the enlightened Alphonse, "I have five thousand
+francs now."--_Warwick James Price_.
+
+
+
+
+SOCIETY
+
+
+Smart Society is made up of the worldly, the fleshy, and the
+devilish.--_Harold Melbourne_.
+
+
+"What are her days at home?"
+
+"Oh, a society leader has no days at home anymore. Nowadays she has her
+telephone hours."
+
+
+Society consists of two classes, the upper and the lower. The latter
+cultivates the dignity of labor, the former the labor of
+dignity.--_Punch_.
+
+
+  There was a young person called Smarty,
+  Who sent out his cards for a party;
+    So exclusive and few
+    Were the friends that he knew
+  That no one was present but Smarty.
+
+
+
+
+SOLECISMS
+
+
+A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a
+large building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth floor."
+
+
+Reporters are obliged to write their descriptions of accidents hastily
+and often from meager data, and in the attempt to make them vivid they
+sometimes make them ridiculous; for example, a New York City paper a few
+days ago, in describing a collision between a train and a motor bus,
+said: "The train, too, was filled with passengers. Their shrieks mingled
+with the _cries of the dead_ and the dying of the bus!"
+
+
+
+
+SONS
+
+
+"I thought your father looked very handsome with his gray hairs."
+
+"Yes, dear old chap. I gave him those."
+
+
+
+
+SOUVENIRS
+
+
+"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of milk at
+a white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his refreshment,
+he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, a brick with a faded
+rose upon the top of it.
+
+"'Why do you cherish in this way,' my friend said to his host, 'that
+common brick and that dead rose?'
+
+"'Shure, sir,' was the reply, 'there's certain memories attachin' to
+them. Do ye see this big dent in my head? Well, it was made by that
+brick.'
+
+"'But the rose?' said my friend.
+
+His host smiled quietly. "'The rose,' he explained, 'is off the grave of
+the man that threw the brick.'"
+
+
+
+
+SPECULATION
+
+
+There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when
+he can't afford it, and when he can.--_Mark Twain_.
+
+
+
+
+SPEED
+
+
+"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow," said one Quag man to
+another.
+
+"Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked.
+
+"Got himself run over by a hearse!"
+
+
+"So you heard the bullet whiz past you?" asked the lawyer of the darky.
+
+"Yes, sah, heard it twict."
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"Heard it whiz when it passed me, and heard it again when I passed it."
+
+
+A near race riot happened in a southern town. The negroes gathered in
+one crowd and the whites in another. The whites fired their revolvers
+into the air, and the negroes took to their heels. Next day a plantation
+owner said to one of his men: "Sam, were you in that crowd that gathered
+last night?" "Yassir." "Did you run like the wind, Sam?" "No, sir. I
+didn't run like the wind,'deed I didn't. But I passed two niggers that
+was running like the wind."
+
+
+A guest in a Cincinnati hotel was shot and killed. The negro porter who
+heard the shooting was a witness at the trial.
+
+"How many shots did you hear?" asked the lawyer.
+
+"Two shots, sah," he replied.
+
+"How far apart were they?"
+
+'"Bout like dis way," explained the negro, clapping his hands with an
+interval of about a second between claps.
+
+"Where were you when the first shot was fired?"
+
+"Shinin' a gemman's shoe in the basement of de hotel."
+
+"Where were you when the second shot was fired?"
+
+"Ah was passin' de Big Fo' depot."
+
+
+
+
+SPINSTERS
+
+
+"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for
+a relative or friend?" asks the minister.
+
+"I do," says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want the
+congregation to pray for my husband."
+
+"Why, sister Abigail!" replies the minister. "You have no husband as
+yet."
+
+"Yes, but I want you all to pitch in an' pray for one for me!" Some time
+ago the wife of an assisstant state officer gave a party to a lot of old
+maids of her town. She asked each one to bring a photograph of the man
+who had tried to woo and wed her. Each of the old maids brought a
+photograph and they were all pictures of the same man, the hostess's
+husband.
+
+
+Maude Adams was one day discussing with her old negro "mammy" the
+approaching marriage of a friend.
+
+"When is you gwine to git married, Miss Maudie?" asked the mammy, who
+took a deep interest in her talented young mistress.
+
+"I don't know, mammy," answered the star. "I don't think I'll ever get
+married."
+
+"Well," sighed mammy, in an attempt to be philosophical, "they do say
+ole maids is the happies' kind after they quits strugglin'."
+
+
+  Here's to the Bachelor, so lonely and gay,
+  For it's not his fault, he was born that way;
+  And here's to the Spinster, so lonely and good;
+  For it's not her fault, she hath done what she could.
+
+
+An old maid on the wintry side of fifty, hearing of the marriage of a
+pretty young lady, her friend, observed with a deep and sentimental
+sigh: "Well, I suppose it is what we must all come to."
+
+
+A famous spinster, known throughout the country for her charities, was
+entertaining a number of little girls from a charitable institution.
+After the luncheon, the children were shown through the place, in order
+that they might enjoy the many beautiful things it contained.
+
+"This," said the spinster, indicating a statue, "is Minerva."
+
+"Was Minerva married?" asked one of the little girls.
+
+"No, my child," said the spinster, with a smile; "Minerva was the
+Goddess of Wisdom."--_E.T_.
+
+
+  There once was a lonesome, lorn spinster,
+  And luck had for years been ag'inst her;
+    When a man came to burgle
+    She shrieked, with a gurgle,
+  "Stop thief, while I call in a min'ster!"
+
+
+
+
+SPITE
+
+
+Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something
+more aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once.
+
+
+A man had for years employed a steady German workman. One day Jake came
+to him and asked to be excused from work the next day.
+
+"Certainly, Jake," beamed the employer. "What are you going to do?"
+
+"Vall," said Jake slowly. "I tink I must go by mein wife's funeral. She
+dies yesterday."
+
+After the lapse of a few weeks Jake again approached his boss for a day
+off.
+
+"All right, Jake, but what are you going to do this time?"
+
+"Aber," said Jake, "I go to make me, mit mein fräulein, a wedding."
+
+"What? So soon? Why, it's only been three weeks since you buried your
+wife."
+
+"Ach!" replied Jake, "I don't hold spite long."
+
+
+
+
+SPRING
+
+
+  In the spring the housemaid's fancy
+    Lightly turns from pot and pan
+  To the greater necromancy
+    Of a young unmarried man.
+  You can hold her through the winter,
+    And she'll work around and sing,
+  But it's just as good as certain
+    She will marry in the spring.
+
+
+  It is easy enough to look pleasant,
+  When the spring comes along with a rush;
+    But the fellow worth-while
+    Is the one who can smile
+  When he slips and sits down in the slush.
+
+  --_Leslie Van Every_.
+
+
+
+
+STAMMERING
+
+
+One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying those
+about him.
+
+"Don't you like the show?"
+
+"Yes, indeed!"
+
+"Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?"
+
+"Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! I w-was s-s-im-ply
+s-s-s-saying to S-s-s-sammie that the s-s-s-singing is s-s-s-superb."
+
+
+A man who stuttered badly went to a specialist and after ten difficult
+lessons learned to say quite distinctly, "Peter Piper picked a peck of
+pickled peppers." His friends congratulated him upon this splendid
+achievement.
+
+"Yes," said the man doubtfully, "but it's s-s-such a d-d-deucedly
+d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-w-work into an ordin-n-nary
+c-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y' know."
+
+
+
+
+STATESMEN
+
+
+A statesman is a deal politician.--_Mr. Dooley_.
+
+A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, then
+jumps in front and yells like blazes.
+
+
+
+
+STATISTICS
+
+
+An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the Lord all
+the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for help against the
+progress of wickedness in his town, with the statement:
+
+"Oh, Thou great Jehovah, crime is on the increase. It is becoming more
+prevalent daily. I can prove it to you by statistics."
+
+
+PATIENT--"Tell me candidly, Doc, do you think I'll pull through?"
+
+DOCTOR--"Oh, you're bound to get well--you can't help yourself. _The
+Medical Record_ shows that out of one hundred cases like yours, one per
+cent invariably recovers. I've treated ninety-nine cases, and every one
+of them died. Why, man alive, you can't die if you try! There's no
+humbug in statistics."
+
+
+
+
+STEAK
+
+
+"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?"
+
+"It depends on your teeth, sir."
+
+
+
+
+STEAM
+
+
+"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner.
+
+"Why, sure, sir," replied Patrick confidently. "Steam is--Why--er--it's
+wather thos's gone crazy wid the heat."
+
+
+
+
+STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS
+
+
+"That new steamer they're building is a whopper," says the man with the
+shoe button nose.
+
+"Yes," agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, "but my uncle is going
+to build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in one end of it
+he can go to the other end and be clear away from the storm."
+
+
+
+
+STENOGRAPHERS
+
+
+A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as stenographer to
+a dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent. On the morning of her first
+appearance she went straight to the desk of her employer.
+
+"I presume," she remarked, "that you begin the day over here the same as
+they do in New York?"
+
+"Oh, yes," replied the employer, without glancing up from a letter he
+was reading.
+
+"Well, hurry up and kiss me, then," was the startling rejoinder, "I want
+to get to work."
+
+
+
+
+STOCK BROKERS
+
+
+  A grain broker in New Boston, Maine,
+  Said, "That market gives me a pain;
+    I can hardly bear it,
+    To bull--I don't dare it,
+  For it's going against the grain."
+
+  --_Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha_.
+
+
+
+
+STRATEGY
+
+
+A bird dog belonging to a man in Mulvane disappeared last week. The
+owner put this "ad" in the paper and insisted that it be printed exactly
+as he wrote it:
+
+LOST OR RUN AWAY--One livver culered burd dog called Jim. Will show
+signs of hyderfobby in about three days. The dog came home the following
+day.
+
+
+"Boy, take these flowers to Miss Bertie Bohoo, Room 12."
+
+"My, sir, you're the fourth gentleman wot's sent her flowers to-day."
+
+"What's that? What the deuce? W--who sent the others?"
+
+"Oh, they didn't send any names. They all said, 'She'll know where they
+come from.'"
+
+"Well, here, take my card, and tell her these are from the same one who
+sent the other three boxes."
+
+
+The little girl was having a great deal of trouble pronouncing some of
+the words she met with. "Vinegar" had given her the most trouble, and
+she was duly grieved to know that the village was being entertained by
+her efforts in this direction.
+
+She was sent one day to the store with the vinegar-jug, to get it
+filled, and had no intention of amusing the people who were gathered in
+the store. So she handed the jug to the clerk with:
+
+"Smell the mouth of it and give me a quart."
+
+
+A young couple had been courting for several years, and the young man
+seemed to be in no hurry to marry. Finally, one day, he said:
+
+"Sall, I canna marry thee."
+
+"How's that?" asked she.
+
+"I've changed my mind," said he.
+
+"Well, I'll tell thee what we'll do," said she. "If folks know that it's
+thee as has given me up I shanna be able to get another chap; but if
+they think I've given thee up then I can get all I want. So we'll have
+banns published and when the wedding day comes the parson will say to
+thee, 'Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife?' and thou must
+say, 'I will.' And when he says to me, 'Wilt thou have this man to be
+thy wedded husband?' I shall say, 'I winna.'"
+
+The day came, and when the minister asked the important question the man
+answered:
+
+"I will."
+
+Then the parson said to the woman:
+
+"Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband?" and she said:
+
+"I will."
+
+"Why," said the young man furiously, "you said you would say 'I winna.'"
+
+"I know that," said the young woman, "but I've changed my mind since."
+
+
+Charles Stuart, formerly senator from Michigan, was traveling by stage
+through his own state. The weather was bitter cold, the snow deep, and
+the roads practically unbroken. The stage was nearly an hour late at the
+dinner station and everybody was cross and hungry.
+
+In spite of the warning, "Ten minutes only for refreshments," Senator
+Stuart sat down to dinner with his usual deliberation. When he had
+finished his first cup of coffee the other passengers were leaving the
+table. By the time his second cup arrived the stage was at the door.
+"All aboard!" shouted the driver. The senator lingered and called for a
+third cup of coffee.
+
+While the household, as was the custom, assembled at the door to see the
+stage oft, the senator calmly continued his meal. Suddenly, just as the
+stage was starting, he pounded violently on the dining-room table. The
+landlord hurried in. The senator wanted a dish of rice-pudding. When it
+came he called for a spoon. There wasn't a spoon to be found.
+
+"That shock-headed fellow took 'em!" exclaimed the landlady. "I knew him
+for a thief the minute I laid eyes on him."
+
+The landlord jumped to the same conclusion.
+
+"Hustle after that stage!" he shouted to the sheriff, who was untying
+his horse from the rail in front of the tavern. "Bring 'em all back.
+They've taken the silver!"
+
+A few minutes later the stage, in charge of the sheriff, swung around in
+front of the house. The driver was in a fury.
+
+"Search them passengers!" insisted the landlord.
+
+But before the officer could move, the senator opened the stage door,
+stepped inside, then leaned out, touched the sheriff's arm and
+whispered:
+
+"Tell the landlord he'll find his spoons in the coffee-pot."
+
+
+
+
+SUBWAYS
+
+
+Any one who has ever traveled on the New York subway in rush hours can
+easily appreciate the following:
+
+A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought of
+pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money in
+his overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was somewhat
+shocked upon encountering the fist of a fat fellow-passenger.
+
+"Aha!" snorted the latter. "I caught you that time!"
+
+"Leggo!" snarled the little man. "Leggo my hand!"
+
+"Pickpocket!" hissed the fat man.
+
+"Scoundrel!" retorted the little one.
+
+Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his paper.
+
+"I'd like to get off here," he drawled, "if you fellows don't mind
+taking your hands out of my pocket."
+
+
+
+
+SUCCESS
+
+
+Nothing succeeds like excess.--_Life_.
+
+
+Nothing succeeds like looking successful.--_Henriette Corkland_.
+
+
+Success in life often consists in knowing just when to disagree with
+one's employer.
+
+
+A New Orleans lawyer was asked to address the boys of a business school.
+He commenced:
+
+"My young friends, as I approached the entrance to this room I noticed
+on the panel of the door a word eminently appropriate to an institution
+of this kind. It expresses the one thing most useful to the average man
+when he steps into the arena of life. It was--"
+
+"Pull," shouted the boys, in a roar of laughter, and the lawyer felt
+that he had taken his text from the wrong side of the door.
+
+
+  I'd rather be a Could Be
+    If I could not be an Are;
+  For a Could Be is a May Be,
+    With a chance of touching par.
+  I'd rather be a Has Been
+    Than a Might Have Been, by far;
+  For a Might Have Been has never been,
+    But a Has was once an Are.
+
+
+  'Tis not in mortals to command success,
+  But we'll do more, Sempronius,--
+  We'll deserve it.
+
+  --_Addison_.
+
+
+There are two ways of rising in the world: either by one's own industry
+or profiting by the foolishness of others.--_La Bruyère_.
+
+
+  Success is counted sweetest
+  By those who ne'er succeed.
+
+  --_Emily Dickinson_.
+
+
+_See also_ Making good.
+
+
+
+
+SUFFRAGETTES
+
+
+When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her husband is
+usually left at home to look after his wrongs.--_Child Harold_.
+
+
+"'Ullo, Bill, 'ow's things with yer?"
+
+"Lookin' up, Tom, lookin' up."
+
+"Igh cost o' livin' not 'ittin' yer, Bill?"
+
+"Not so 'ard, Tom--not so 'ard. The missus 'as went 'orf on a hunger
+stroike and me butcher's bills is cut in arf!"
+
+
+I'd hate t' be married t' a suffragette an' have t' eat Battle Creek
+breakfasts.--_Abe Martin_.
+
+
+FIRST ENGLISHMAN--"Why do you allow your wife to be a militant
+suffragette?"
+
+SECOND ENGLISHMAN--"When she's busy wrecking things outside we have
+comparative peace at home."--_Life_.
+
+
+Recipe for a suffragette:
+
+  To the power that already lies in her hands
+    You add equal rights with the gents;
+  You'll find votes that used to bring two or three plunks,
+    Marked down to ninety-eight cents.
+
+
+When Mrs. Pankhurst, the English suffragette, was in America she met and
+became very much attached to Mrs. Lee Preston, a New York woman of
+singular cleverness of mind and personal attraction. After the
+acquaintance had ripened somewhat Mrs. Pankhurst ventured to say:
+
+"I do hope, Mrs. Preston, that you are a suffragette."
+
+"Oh, dear no!" replied Mrs. Preston; "you know, Mrs. Pankhurst, I am
+happily married."
+
+
+BILL--"Jake said he was going to break up the suffragette meeting the
+other night. Were his plans carried out?"
+
+DILL--"No, Jake was."--_Life_.
+
+
+SLASHER--"Been in a fight?"
+
+MASHER--"No. I tried to flirt with a pretty suffragette."--_Judge_.
+
+
+"What sort of a ticket does your suffragette club favor?"
+
+"Well," replied young Mrs. Torkins, "if we owned right up, I think most
+of us would prefer matinée tickets."
+
+
+_See also_ Woman suffrage.
+
+
+
+
+SUICIDE
+
+
+The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner, discussed his
+country's customs.
+
+"There is one custom," said a young girl, "that I can't understand--and
+that is the Chinese custom of committing suicide by eating gold-leaf. I
+can't understand how gold-leaf can kill."
+
+"The partaker, no doubt," smiled the Consul, "succumbs from a
+consciousness of inward gilt."
+
+
+
+
+SUMMER RESORTS
+
+
+GABE--"What are you going back to that place for this summer? Why, last
+year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing."
+
+STEVE--"The owner tells me that he has crossed the mosquitoes with the
+fish, and guarantees a bite every second."
+
+
+"I suppose," said the city man, "there are some queer characters around
+an old village like this."
+
+"You'll find a good many," admitted the native, "when the hotels fill
+up."
+
+
+
+
+SUNDAY
+
+
+Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse," he said one
+day, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee, "nurse, is this
+God's day?"
+
+"No, dear," said the nurse, "this is not Sunday; it is Thursday."
+
+"I'm so sorry," he said, sadly, and went back to his blocks.
+
+The next day and the next in his serious manner he asked the same
+question, and the nurse tearfully said to the cook:
+
+"That child is too good for this world."
+
+On Sunday the question was repeated, and the nurse, with a sob in her
+voice, said: "Yes, lambie, this is God's day."
+
+"Then where is the funny paper?" he demanded.
+
+
+TEACHER-"Good little boys do not skate on Sunday, Corky. Don't you think
+that is very nice of them?"
+
+CORKY--"Sure t'ing!"
+
+TEACHER--"And why is it nice of them, Corky?"
+
+CORKY--"Aw, it leaves more room on de ice! See?"
+
+
+  Of all the days that's in the week,
+    I dearly love but one day,
+  And that's the day that comes betwixt
+    A Saturday and Monday.
+
+  --_Henry Carey_.
+
+
+O day of rest! How beautiful, how fair,
+How welcome to the weary and the old!
+Day of the Lord! and truce to earthly care!
+Day of the Lord, as all our days should be!
+
+  --_Longfellow_.
+
+
+
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOLS
+
+
+"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing the
+blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll play
+'Sabbath School.' You give me a nickel every Sunday for six months, and
+then at Christmas I'll give you a ten-cent bag of candy."
+
+
+When Lottie returned from her first visit to Sunday-school, she was
+asked what she had learned.
+
+"God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh day,"
+was her version of the lesson imparted.
+
+
+The teacher asked: "When did Moses live?"
+
+After the silence had become painful she ordered: "Open your Old
+Testaments. What does it say there?"
+
+A boy answered: "Moses, 4000."
+
+"Now," said the teacher, "why didn't you know when Moses lived?"
+
+"Well," replied the boy, "I thought it was his telephone
+number,"--_Suburban Life_.
+
+
+"How many of you boys," asked the Sunday-school superintendent, "can
+bring two other boys next Sunday?"
+
+There was no response until a new recruit raised his hand hesitatingly.
+
+"Well, William?"
+
+"I can't bring two, but there's one little feller I can lick, and I'll
+do my damnedest to bring him."
+
+
+
+
+SUPERSTITION
+
+
+Superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its time.--_George
+Iles_.
+
+
+
+
+SURPRISE
+
+
+"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five children.
+
+"I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the mother.
+
+"Are we all goin', too?"
+
+"No, dear. You weren't invited."
+
+After a few moments' deep thought:
+
+"Say, ma, then don't you think they'd be lots more surprised if you did
+take us all?"
+
+
+
+
+SWIMMERS
+
+
+Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging about
+their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got up a
+match. The man who swam the longest distance was to receive $5. The
+Alabama Whale immediately stripped on the dock, but the Human Steamboat
+said he had some business and would return in a few minutes. The Whale
+swam the river four or five times for exercise and by that time the
+Human Steamboat returned. He wore a pair of swimming trunks and had a
+sheet iron cook stove strapped on his back. Tied around his neck were a
+dozen packages containing bread, flour, bacon and other eatables. The
+Whale gazed at his opponent in amazement.
+
+"Whar yo' vittles?" demanded the Human Steamboat.
+
+"Vittles fo' what?" asked the Whale.
+
+"Don't yo' ask me fo' nothin' on the way ovah," warned the Steamboat.
+"Mah fust stop is New York an' mah next stop is London."
+
+
+
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+
+A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost
+anything.
+
+
+Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a man
+much the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along the car between
+two rows of well-dressed people, regardless of tender feet.
+
+Murmurs and complaints arose on all sides and demands were heard that
+the offender should be ejected at once.
+
+But amid the storm of abuse one friendly voice was raised. Mr. Moody
+rose from his seat, saying:
+
+"No, no, friends! Let the man sit down and be quiet."
+
+The drunken one turned, and, seizing the famous evangelist by the hand,
+exclaimed:
+
+"Thank ye, sir--thank ye! I see you know what it is to be drunk."
+
+
+The man rushed excitedly into the smoking car. "A lady has fainted in
+the next car! Has anybody got any whiskey?" he asked.
+
+Instantly a half-dozen flasks were thrust out to him. Taking the nearest
+one, he turned the bottle up and took a big drink, then, handing the
+flask back, said, "Thank you. It always did make me feel sick to see a
+lady faint."
+
+
+A tramp went to a farmhouse, and sitting down in the front yard began to
+eat the grass.
+
+The housewife's heart went out to him: "Poor man, you must indeed be
+hungry. Come around to the back."
+
+The tramp beamed and winked at the hired man.
+
+"There," said the housewife, when the tramp hove in sight, pointing to a
+circle of green grass, "try that: you will find that grass so much
+longer."
+
+
+Strengthen me by sympathizing with my strength, not my weakness.--_Amos
+Bronson Alcott_.
+
+
+
+
+SYNONYMS
+
+
+"I don't believe any two words in the English language are synonymous."
+
+"Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and 'lift'?"
+
+"There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens and have a neighbor who
+has been known to 'lift' them."
+
+
+
+
+TABLE MANNERS
+
+
+_See_ Dining.
+
+
+
+
+TACT
+
+
+It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished to
+compliment his hostess, saying:
+
+"Madam, you played your part splendidly. It fits you to perfection."
+
+"I'm afraid not. A young and pretty woman is needed for that part," said
+the smiling hostess.
+
+"But, madam, you have positively proved the contrary."
+
+
+
+
+TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD
+
+
+When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he had
+been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old friend. It was
+a small house, not well built, and as he walked about in his room the
+unsubstantial little house fairly shook with his tread. When he got into
+bed that receptacle, unused to so much weight, gave way, precipitating
+Taft on the floor.
+
+His friend hurried to his door.
+
+"What's the matter, Bill?"
+
+"Oh, I'm all right, I guess," Taft called out to his friend
+good-naturedly; "but say, Joe, if you don't find me here in the morning
+look in the cellar."
+
+
+One morning a few summers ago President Taft, wearing the largest
+bathing suit known to modern times, threw his substantial form into the
+cooling waves of Beverly Bay. Shortly afterward one neighbor said to
+another: "Let's go bathing."
+
+"How can we?" was the response. "The President is using the ocean."
+
+
+
+
+TALENT
+
+
+_See_ Actors and actresses.
+
+
+
+
+TALKERS
+
+
+Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-party
+given by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess had been
+particularly talkative all during the performance--to Mr. Clemens's
+increasing irritation.
+
+Toward the end of the opera, she turned to him and said gushingly:
+
+"Oh, my dear Mr. Clemens, I do so want you to be with us next Friday
+evening. I'm certain you will like it the opera will be 'Tosca.'"
+
+"Charmed, I'm sure," replied Clemens. "I've never heard you in that."
+
+
+It was a beautiful evening and Ole, who had screwed up courage to take
+Mary for a ride, was carried away by the magic of the night.
+
+"Mary," he asked, "will you marry me?"
+
+"Yes, Ole," she answered softly.
+
+Ole lapsed into a silence that at last became painful to his fiancée.
+
+"Ole," she said desperately, "why don't you say something?"
+
+"Ay tank," Ole replied, "they bane too much said already."
+
+
+"Sir," said the sleek-looking agent, approaching the desk of the meek,
+meaching-looking man and opening one of those folding thingumjigs
+showing styles of binding, "I believe I can interest you in this massive
+set of books containing the speeches of the world's greatest orators.
+Seventy volumes, one dollar down and one dollar a month until the price,
+six hundred and eighty dollars has been paid. This set of books gives
+you the most celebrated speeches of the greatest talkers the world has
+ever known and--"
+
+"Let me see the index," said the meek man.
+
+The agent handed it to him and he looked through it carefully and
+methodically, running his finger along the list of names.
+
+Reaching the end he handed the index back to the agent and said: "It
+isn't what you claim it is. I happen to know the greatest talker in the
+world, and you haven't her in the index."
+
+
+A guest was expected for dinner and Bobby had received five cents as the
+price of his silence during the meal. He was as quiet as a mouse until,
+discovering that his favorite dessert was being served, he could no
+longer curb his enthusiasm. He drew the coin from his pocket, and
+rolling it across the table, exclaimed: "Here's your nickel, Mamma. I'd
+rather talk."
+
+
+A belated voyager in search of hilarity stumbled home after one o'clock
+and found his wife waiting for him. The curtain lecture that followed
+was of unusual virulence, and in the midst of it he fell asleep.
+Awakening a few hours later he found his wife still pouring forth a
+regular cascade of denunciation. Eyeing her sleepily he said curiously,
+
+"Say, are you talking yet or again?"
+
+
+"You must not talk all the time, Ethel," said the mother who had been
+interrupted.
+
+"When will I be old enough to, Mama?" asked the little girl.
+
+
+While the late Justice Brewer was judge in a minor court he was
+presiding at the trial of a wife's suit for separation and alimony. The
+defendant acknowledged that he hadn't spoken to his wife in five years,
+and Judge Brewer put in a question.
+
+"What explanation have you," he asked severely, "for not speaking to
+your wife in five years?"
+
+"Your Honor," replied the husband, "I didn't like to interrupt the
+lady."
+
+
+She was in an imaginative mood.
+
+"Henry, dear," she said after talking two hours without a recess, "I
+sometimes wish I were a mermaid."
+
+"It would be fatal," snapped her weary hubby.
+
+"Fatal! In what way?"
+
+"Why, you couldn't keep your mouth closed long enough to keep from
+drowning."
+
+And after that, Henry did not get any supper.
+
+
+"Here comes Blinkers. He's got a new baby, and he'll talk us to death."
+
+"Well, here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog. Let's
+introduce them and leave them to their fate."--_Life_.
+
+
+A street-car was getting under way when two women, rushing from opposite
+sides of the street to greet each other, met right in the middle of the
+car-track and in front of the car. There the two stopped and began to
+talk. The car stopped, too, but the women did not appear to realize that
+it was there. Certain of the passengers, whose heads were immediately
+thrust out of the windows to ascertain what the trouble was, began to
+make sarcastic remarks, but the two women heeded them not.
+
+Finally the motorman showed that he had a saving sense of humor. Leaning
+over the dash-board, he inquired, in the gentlest of tones:
+
+"Pardon me, ladies, but shall I get you a couple of chairs?"
+
+
+A--"I used a word in speaking to my wife which offended her sorely a
+week ago. She has not spoken a syllable to me since."
+
+B--"Would you mind telling me what it was?"
+
+
+In general those who have nothing to say Contrive to spend the longest
+time in doing it.--_Lowell_.
+
+
+_See also_ Wives.
+
+
+
+
+TARDINESS
+
+
+"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in passing a
+small boy who was carrying a package.
+
+"No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."--_Mabel Long_.
+
+
+"How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school this
+morning?" the teacher asked severely.
+
+"Please, ma'am," said Ethel, "I must have overwashed myself."
+
+
+
+
+TARIFF
+
+
+Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty saying,
+"America expects every man to pay his duty?"--_Kent Packard_.
+
+
+
+
+TASTE
+
+
+"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," said
+Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter whose
+little daughter called at a friend's house and said:
+
+'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'"
+
+So, with great pride, the hostess led the little girl into the
+drawing-room, and raised all the blinds, so that the light might stream
+in abundantly upon the gorgeous colors of an expensive Kirmanshah.
+
+The little girl stared down at the rug in silence. Then, as she turned
+away, she said in a rather disappointed voice:
+
+"'It doesn't make _me_ sick!'"
+
+
+
+
+TEACHERS
+
+
+A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much
+troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she
+made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at
+the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largest three boys of
+her class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by six
+o'clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were waiting
+for her to arrive.
+
+
+"Why did you break your engagement with that school teacher?"
+
+"If I failed to show up at her house every evening, she expected me to
+bring a written excuse signed by my mother."
+
+
+Among the youngsters belonging to a colege settlement in a New England
+city was one little girl who returned to her humble home with glowing
+accounts of the new teacher.
+
+"She's a perfect lady," exclaimed the enthusiastic youngster.
+
+The child's mother gave her a doubtful look. "How do _you_ know?" she
+said. "You've only known her two days."
+
+"It's easy enough tellin'," continued the child. "I know she's a perfect
+lady, because she makes you feel polite all the time."
+
+
+MOTHER--"The teacher complains you have not had a correct lesson for a
+month; why is it?"
+
+SON--"She always kisses me when I get them right."
+
+
+There was a meeting of the new teachers and the old. It was a sort of
+love feast, reception or whatever you call it. Anyhow all the teachers
+got together and pretended they didn't have a care in the world. After
+the eats were et the symposiarch proposed a toast:
+
+"Long Live Our Teachers!"
+
+It was drunk enthusiastically. One of the new teachers was called on to
+respond. He modestly accepted. His answer was:
+
+"What On?"
+
+
+TEACHER--"Now, Willie, where did you get that chewing gum? I want the
+truth."
+
+WILLIE--"You don't want the truth, teacher, an' I'd ruther not tell a
+lie."
+
+TEACHER--"How dare you say I don't want the truth! Tell me at once where
+you got that chewing-gum."
+
+WILLIE--"Under your desk."
+
+
+  Grave is the Master's look; his forehead wears
+  Thick rows of wrinkles, prints of worrying cares:
+  Uneasy lie the heads of all that rule,
+  His worst of all whose kingdom is a school.
+
+  --_0.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+
+
+TEARS
+
+
+Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel,
+when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he
+partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes.
+
+Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye cryin' fer?"
+
+Pat, wishing to have Mike fooled also, exclaimed: "I'm crying fer me
+poor ould mother, who's dead way over in Ireland."
+
+By and by Mike took some of the radish, whereupon tears filled _his_
+eyes. Pat, seeing them, asked his friend what he was crying for.
+
+Mike replied: "Because ye didn't die at the same time yer poor ould
+mother did."
+
+
+
+
+TEETH
+
+
+  There was an old man of Tarentum,
+  Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em:
+    And when asked for the cost
+    Of what he had lost,
+  Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!"
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+Pat came to the office with his jaw very much swollen from a tooth he
+desired to have pulled. But when the suffering son of Erin got into the
+dentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps approaching his
+face, he positively refused to open his mouth.
+
+The dentist quietly told his office boy to prick his patient with a pin,
+and when Pat opened his mouth to yell the dentist seized the tooth, and
+out it came.
+
+"It didn't hurt as much as you expected it would, did it?" the dentist
+asked smiling.
+
+"Well, no," replied Pat hesitatingly, as if doubting the truthfulness of
+his admission. "But," he added, placing his hand on the spot where the
+boy jabbed him with the pin, "begorra, little did I think the roots
+would reach down like that."
+
+
+An Irishman with one side of his face badly swollen stepped into Dr.
+Wicten's office and inquired if the dentist was in. "I am the dentist,"
+said the doctor.
+
+"Well, then, I want ye to see what's the matter wid me tooth."
+
+The doctor examined the offending molar, and explained: "The nerve is
+dead; that's what's the matter."
+
+"Thin, be the powers," the Irishman exclaimed, "the other teeth must be
+houldin' a wake over it!"
+
+
+  For there was never yet philosopher
+  That could endure the toothache patiently.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+TELEPHONE
+
+
+Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they
+should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this important
+conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a number.
+One of the girls became indignant and scornfully asked:
+
+"What line do you think you are on, anyhow?"
+
+"Well," said the man, "I am not sure, but, judging from what I have
+heard, I should say I was on a clothesline."
+
+
+When Grover Cleveland's little girl was quite young her father once
+telephoned to the White House from Chicago and asked Mrs. Cleveland to
+bring the child to the 'phone. Lifting the little one up to the
+instrument, Mrs. Cleveland watched her expression change from
+bewilderment to wonder and then to fear. It was surely her father's
+voice--yet she looked at the telephone incredulously. After examining
+the tiny opening in the receiver the little girl burst into tears. "Oh,
+Mamma!" she sobbed. "How can we ever get Papa out of that little hole?"
+
+
+New York Elks are having a lot of fun with a member of their lodge, a
+Fifteenth Street jeweler. The other day his wife was in the jewelry
+store when the 'phone rang. She answered it.
+
+"I want to speak to Mr. H----," said a woman's voice.
+
+"Who is this?' demanded the jeweler's wife.
+
+"Elizabeth."
+
+"Well, Elizabeth, this is his wife. Now, madam, what do you want?"
+
+"I want to talk to Mr. H----."
+
+"You'll talk to me."
+
+"Please let me speak to Mr. H----."
+
+The jeweler's wife grew angry. "Look here, young lady," she said, "who
+are you that calls my husband and insists on talking to him?"
+
+"I'm the telephone operator at Elizabeth, N.J.," came the reply.
+
+And now the Elks take turns calling the jeweler up and telling him it's
+Elizabeth.
+
+
+OPERATOR--"Number, please."
+
+SUBSCRIBER--"I vas talking mit my husband und now I don't hear him any
+more. You must of pushed him off de vire."
+
+
+A German woman called up Central and instructed her as follows:
+
+"Ist dis de mittle? Veil dis is Lena. Hang my hustband on dis line. I
+vant to speak mit him."
+
+
+In China when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may be
+expected to ask:
+
+"What number does the honorable son of the moon and stars desire?"
+
+"Hohi, two-three."
+
+Silence. Then the exchange resumes.
+
+"Will the honorable person graciously forgive the inadequacy of the
+insignificant service and permit this humbled slave of the wire to
+inform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently censured line is busy?"
+
+
+Recipe for a telephone operator:
+
+  To fearful and wonderful rolling of "r's,"
+    And a voice cold as thirty below,
+  Add a dash of red pepper, some ginger and sass
+    If you leave out the "o" in "hello"!
+
+
+
+
+TEMPER
+
+
+Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to see her
+favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for her mercurial
+temper. "Dinah," she said, "I cannot stand it any longer. I want you to
+go. I want you to go soon, I want you to go right now."
+
+"Lawzee," replied Dinah, "this surely am a co-instence. I was this very
+minute cogitatin' that same thought in my own mind--I want to go, I
+thank the good Lawd I kin go, and I pity your husband, ma'am, that he
+can't go."
+
+
+
+
+TEMPERANCE
+
+
+A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance
+employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In repairing
+a corner near the fireplace, it was found necessary to remove the
+wainscot, when some things were brought to light which greatly
+astonished the workman. A brace of decanters, sundry bottles containing
+"something to take," a pitcher, and tumblers were cosily reposing in
+their snug quarters. The joiner ran to the proprietor with the
+intelligence.
+
+"Well, I declare!" exclaimed the deacon. "That is curious, sure enough.
+It must be old Captain Bunce that left those things there when he
+occupied the premises thirty years since."
+
+"Perhaps he did, returned the discoverer, but, Deacon, that ice in the
+pitcher must have been well frozen to remain solid."--_Abbie C. Dixon_.
+
+
+
+  Here's to a temperance supper,
+    With water in glasses tall,
+  And coffee and tea to end with
+    And me not there at all.
+
+
+The best prohibition story of the season comes from Kansas where, it is
+said, a local candidate stored a lot of printed prohibition literature
+in his barn, but accidentally left the door open and a herd of milch
+cows came in and ate all the pamphlets. As a result every cow in the
+herd went dry.--_Adrian Times_.
+
+
+A Michigan citizen recently received a letter from a Kentucky whisky
+house, requesting him to send them the names of a dozen or more persons
+who would like to get some fine whisky shipped to them at a very low
+price. The letter wound up by saying:
+
+"We will give you a commission on all the orders sent in by parties
+whose names you send us."
+
+The Michigan man belonged to a practical joke class, and filled in the
+names of some of his prohibition friends on the blank spaces left for
+that purpose.
+
+He had forgotten all about his supposed practical joke when Monday he
+received another letter from the same house. He supposed it was a
+request for some more names, and was just about to throw the
+communication in the waste basket when it occurred to him to send the
+name of another old friend to the whisky house. He accordingly tore open
+the envelope, and came near collapsing when he found a check for $4.80,
+representing his commission on the sale of whisky to the parties whose
+names he had sent in about three weeks before.
+
+
+Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.--_Samuel
+Johnson_.
+
+
+
+
+TEXAS
+
+
+The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map.
+But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known. It
+is about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at the bottom of the map,
+to Dallas, which is several hundreds of miles from the top of the map.
+Hence the following conversation in Brownsville recently between two of
+the old-time residents:
+
+"Where have you been lately, Bob? I ain't seen much of you."
+
+"Been on a trip north."
+
+"Where'd you go?"
+
+"Went to Dallas."
+
+"Have a good time?"
+
+"Naw; I never did like them damn Yankees, anyway."
+
+
+
+
+TEXTS
+
+
+In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declared
+colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without previous
+meditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The voice of the
+turtle shall be heard in the land." Not noting that the margin read
+"turtle-dove," he proceeded in this manner:
+
+"This text, my hearers, strikes me as one of the most peculiar texts in
+the whole book, because we all know that a turtle ain't got no voice.
+But by the inward enlightenment I begin to see the meaning and will
+expose it to you. Down in the hollers by the streams and ponds you have
+gone in the springtime, my brethren, and observed the little turtles,
+a-sleeping on the logs. But at the sound of the approach of a human
+being, they went _kerflop-kerplunk_, down into the water. This I say,
+then, is the meaning of the prophet: he, speakinging figgeratively,
+referred to the _kerflop_ of the turtle as the _voice_ of the turtle,
+and hence we see that in those early times the prophet, looking down at
+the ages to come, clearly taught and prophesied the doctrine I have
+always preached to this congregation--_that immersion is the only form
+of baptism."_
+
+
+John D. Rockefeller, Jr., once asked a clergyman to give him an
+appropriate Bible verse on which to base an address which he was to make
+at the latter's church.
+
+"I was thinking," said young Rockefeller, "that I would take the verse
+from the Twenty-third Psalm: 'The Lord is my shepherd.' Would that seem
+appropriate?"
+
+"Quite," said the clergyman; "but do you really want an appropriate
+verse?"
+
+"I certainly do," was the reply.
+
+"Well, then," said the clergyman, with a twinkle in his eye, "I would
+select the verse in the same Psalm: 'Thou anointest my head with oil; my
+cup runneth over.'"
+
+
+
+
+THEATER
+
+
+"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a producer
+of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a film-drama. Listen
+to the impromptu scenario: Scene one, exterior of a Broadway theater,
+with the ticket-speculators getting the coin in handfuls, and--"
+
+"You're out!" interrupted the producer. "Why, don't you know that the
+law don't permit us to show an actual robbery on the screen?"--_P.H.
+Carey_.
+
+
+"Why don't women have the same sense of humor that men possess?" asked
+Mr. Torkins.
+
+"Perhaps," answered his wife gently, "it's because we don't attend the
+same theaters."
+
+
+It appears that at the rehearsal of a play, a wonderful climax had been
+reached, which was to be heightened by the effective use of the usual
+thunder and lightning. The stage-carpenter was given the order. The
+words were spoken, and instantly a noise which resembled a succession of
+pistol-shots was heard off the wings.
+
+"What on earth are you doing, man?" shouted the manager, rushing behind
+the scenes. "Do you call that thunder? It's not a bit like it."
+
+"Awfully sorry, sir," responded the carpenter; "but the fact is, sir, I
+couldn't hear you because of the storm. That was real thunder, sir!"
+
+
+Everybody has his own theater, in which he is manager, actor, prompter,
+playwright, sceneshifter, boxkeeper, doorkeeper, all in one, and
+audience into the bargain.--_J.C. and A.W. Hare_.
+
+
+
+
+THIEVES
+
+
+GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)--"Well, Ras, so you want me to
+defend you. Have you any money?"
+
+RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."
+
+LAWYER--"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do they accuse
+you of stealing?"
+
+RASTUS--"Oh, a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."
+
+
+At a dinner given by the prime minister of a little kingdom on the
+Balkan Peninsula, a distinguished diplomat complained to his host that
+the minister of justice, who had been sitting on his left, had stolen
+his watch.
+
+"Ah, he shouldn't have done that," said the prime minister, in tones of
+annoyance. "I will get it back for you."
+
+Sure enough, toward the end of the evening the watch was returned to its
+owner.
+
+"And what did he say?" asked the diplomat.
+
+"Sh-h," cautioned the host, glancing anxiously about him. "He doesn't
+know that I have got it back."
+
+
+Senator "Bob" Taylor, of Tennessee, tells a story of how, when he was
+"Fiddling Bob," governor of that state, an old negress came to him and
+said:
+
+"Massa Gov'na, we's mighty po' this winter, and Ah wish you would pardon
+mah old man. He is a fiddler same as you is, and he's in the
+pen'tentry."
+
+"What was he put in for?" asked the governor.
+
+"Stead of workin' fo' it that good-fo'-nothin' nigger done stole some
+bacon."
+
+"If he is good for nothing what do you want him back for?"
+
+"Well, yo' see, we's all out of bacon ag'in," said the old negress
+innocently.
+
+
+"Did ye see as Jim got ten years' penal for stealing that 'oss?"
+
+"Serve 'im right, too. Why didn't 'e buy the 'oss and not pay for 'im
+like any other gentleman?"
+
+
+Some time ago a crowd of Bowery sports went over to Philadelphia to see
+a prize fight. One "wise guy," who, among other things, is something of
+a pickpocket, was so sure of the result that he was willing to bet on
+it.
+
+"The Kid's goin' t' win. It's a pipe," he told a friend.
+
+The friend expressed doubts.
+
+"Sure he'll win," the pickpocket persisted. "I'll bet you a gold watch
+he wins."
+
+Still the friend doubted.
+
+"Why," exclaimed the pickpocket, "I'm willin' to bet you a good gold
+watch he wins! Y' know what I'll do? Come through the train with me now,
+an' y' can pick out any old watch y' like."
+
+
+  In vain we call old notions fudge
+    And bend our conscience to our dealing.
+
+  The Ten Commandments will not budge
+    And stealing will continue stealing.
+
+  --_Motto of American Copyright League_.
+
+
+  Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind;
+  The thief doth fear each bush an officer.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers; Lost and found.
+
+
+
+
+THIN PEOPLE
+
+
+  There was an old fellow named Green,
+  Who grew so abnormally lean,
+    And flat, and compressed,
+    That his back touched his chest,
+  And sideways he couldn't be seen.
+
+  There was a young lady of Lynn,
+  Who was so excessively thin,
+    That when she essayed
+    To drink lemonade
+  She slipped through the straw and fell in.
+
+
+
+
+THRIFT
+
+
+It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if
+he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably
+choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a stranger asked him:
+
+"Why do you always take the penny? Don't you know the difference in
+value?
+
+"Aye," answered the fool, "I ken the difference in value. But if I took
+the saxpence they would never try me again."
+
+
+  The Mrs. never misses
+    Any bargain sale,
+  For the female of the species
+    Is more thrifty than the male.
+
+
+MCANDREWS (the chemist, at two A.M.)--"Two penn'orth of bicarbonate of
+soda for indigestion at this time o' night, when a glass of hot water
+does just as well!"
+
+SANDY (hastily)--"Well, well! Thanks for the advice. I'll not bother ye,
+after all. Gude nicht!"
+
+
+The foreman and his crew of bridgemen were striving hard to make an
+impression on the select board provided by Mrs. Rooney at her Arkansas
+eating establishment.
+
+"The old man sure made a funny deal down at Piney yesterday," observed
+the foreman, with a wink at the man to his right.
+
+"What'd he do?" asked the new man at the other end of the table.
+
+"Well, a year or so ago there used to be a water tank there, but they
+took down the tub and brought it up to Cabin Creek. The well went dry
+and they covered it over. It was four or five feet round, ninety feet
+deep, and plumb in the right of way. Didn't know what to do with it
+until along comes an old lollypop yesterday and gives the Old Man five
+dollars for it."
+
+"Five dollars for what?" asked the new man.
+
+"Well," continued the foreman, ignoring the interruption, "that old
+lollypop borrowed two jacks from the trackmen and jacked her up out of
+there and carried her home on wheels.'
+
+"What'd he do with it?" persisted the new man.
+
+"Say that old lollypop must've been a Yank. Nobody else could have
+figured it out. The ground on his place is hard and he needed some more
+fence. So he calc'lated 'twould be easier and cheaper to saw that old
+well up into post-holes than 'twould be to dig 'em."
+
+
+A certain workman, notorious for his sponging proclivities, met a friend
+one morning, and opened the conversation by saying:
+
+"Can ye len' us a match, John?"
+
+John having supplied him with the match, the first speaker began to feel
+his pockets ostentatiously, and then remarked dolefully, "Man, I seem to
+have left my tobacco pouch at hame."
+
+John, however, was equal to the occasion, and holding out his hand,
+remarked:
+
+"Aweel, ye'll no be needin' that match then."
+
+
+A Highlander was summoned to the bedside of his dying father. When he
+arrived the old man was fast nearing his end. For a while he remained
+unconscious of his son's presence. Then at last the old man's eyes
+opened, and he began to murmur. The son bent eagerly to listen.
+
+"Dugald," whispered the parent, "Luckie Simpson owes me five shilling."
+
+"Ay, man, ay," said the son eagerly.
+
+"An" Dugal More owes me seven shillins."
+
+"Ay," assented the son.
+
+"An' Hamish McCraw owes me ten shillins."
+
+"Sensible tae the last," muttered the delighted heir. "Sensible tae the
+last."
+
+Once more the voice from the bed took up the tale.
+
+"An', Dugald, I owe Calum Beg two pounds."
+
+Dugald shook his head sadly.
+
+"Wanderin' again, wanderin' again," he sighed. "It's a peety."
+
+
+The canny Scot wandered into the pharmacy.
+
+"I'm wanting threepenn'orth o' laudanum," he announced.
+
+"What for?" asked the chemist suspiciously.
+
+"For twopence," responded the Scot at once.
+
+
+A Scotsman wishing to know his fate at once, telegraphed a proposal of
+marriage to the lady of his choice. After spending the entire day at the
+telegraph office he was finally rewarded late in the evening by an
+affirmative answer.
+
+"If I were you," suggested the operator when he delivered the message,
+"I'd think twice before I'd marry a girl that kept me waiting all day
+for my answer."
+
+"Na, na," retorted the Scot. "The lass who waits for the night rates is
+the lass for me."
+
+
+"Well, yes," said Old Uncle Lazzenberry, who was intimately acquainted
+with most of the happenstances of the village, "Almira Stang has broken
+off her engagement with Charles Henry Tootwiler. They'd be goin'
+together for about eight years, durin' which time she had been
+inculcatin' into him, as you might call it, the beauties of economy;
+but when she discovered, just lately, that he had learnt his lesson so
+well that he had saved up two hundred and seventeen pairs of socks for
+her to darn immediately after the wedding, she 'peared to conclude that
+he had taken her advice a little too literally, and broke off the
+match."--_Puck_.
+
+
+They sat each at an extreme end of the horsehair sofa. They had been
+courting now for something like two years, but the wide gap between had
+always been respectfully preserved.
+
+"A penny for your thochts, Sandy," murmured Maggie, after a silence of
+an hour and a half.
+
+"Weel," replied Sandy slowly, with surprising boldness, "tae tell ye the
+truth, I was jist thinkin' how fine it wad be if ye were tae gie me a
+wee bit kissie."
+
+"I've nae objection," simpered Maggie, slithering over, and kissed him
+plumply on the tip of his left ear.
+
+Sandy relapsed into a brown study once more, and the clock ticked
+twenty-seven minutes.
+
+"An' what are ye thinkin' about noo--anither, eh?"
+
+"Nae, nae, lassie; it's mair serious the noo."
+
+"Is it, laddie?" asked Maggie softly. Her heart was going pit-a-pat with
+expectation. "An' what micht it be?"
+
+"I was jist thinkin'," answered Sandy, "that it was aboot time ye were
+paying me that penny!"
+
+
+The coward calls himself cautious, the miser thrifty.--_Syrus_.
+
+There are but two ways of paying debt: increase of industry in raising
+income, increase of thrift in laying out.--_Carlyle_.
+
+
+_See also_ Economy; Saving.
+
+
+
+
+TIDES
+
+
+A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat
+bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and he
+did not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to his
+feet. At last an extra big wave washed over his shoe tops.
+
+"Hey, there!" he yelled at the fair, fat bather. "Quit yer jumpin' up
+and down! D'ye want to drown me?"
+
+
+At a recent Confederate reunion in Charleston, S.C., two Kentuckians
+were viewing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time.
+
+"Say, cap'n," said one of them, "what ought I to carry home to the
+children for a souvenir?"
+
+"Why, colonel, it strikes me that some of this here ocean water would be
+right interestin'."
+
+"Just the thing!" exclaimed the colonel delightedly. From a rear pocket
+he produced a flask, and, with the aid of the captain, soon emptied it.
+Then, picking his way down to the water's edge, he filled it to the neck
+and replaced the cork.
+
+"Hi, there! Don't do that!" cried the captain in great alarm. "Pour out
+about a third of that water. If you don't, when the tide rises she'll
+bust sure."
+
+
+Nae man can tether time or tide.--_Burns_.
+
+
+
+
+TIME
+
+
+Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to
+do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clock and then
+slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back on the lid with a
+clatter. "Talk about toime and toide waitin' fer no man," she muttered
+as she hurried into the pantry; "there's toimes they waits, an' toimes
+they don't. Yistherday at this blessed minit 'twas but tin o'clock an'
+to-day it's a quarther to twilve."
+
+
+MRS. MURPHY--"Oi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is pretty bad
+off."
+
+MRS. CASEY--"Shure, he's good for a year yit."
+
+MRS. MURPHY--"As long as thot?"
+
+MRS. CASEY--"Yis; he's had four different doctors, and each one av thim
+give him three months to live."--_Puck_.
+
+
+A long-winded attorney was arguing a technical case before one of the
+judges of the superior court in a western state. He had rambled on in
+such a desultory way that it became very difficult to follow his line of
+thought, and the judge had just yawned very suggestively.
+
+With just a trace of sarcasm in his voice, the tiresome attorney
+ventured to observe: "I sincerely trust that I am not unduly trespassing
+on the time of this court."
+
+"My friend," returned his honor, "there is a considerable difference
+between trespassing on time and encroaching upon eternity."--_Edwin
+Tarrisse_.
+
+
+A traveler, finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called a
+cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. At first all
+went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they
+narrowly escaped several collisions.
+
+"What's the matter?" demanded the passenger. "Why are you driving so
+recklessly? I'm in no hurry."
+
+"Ah, g'wan wid yez," retorted the cabby. "D'ye think thot I'm goin' to
+put in me whole day drivin' ye around for two hours? Gitap!"
+
+
+Frank comes into the house in a sorry plight.
+
+"Mercy on us!" exclaims his father. "How you look! You are soaked."
+
+"Please, papa, I fell into the canal."
+
+"What! with your new trousers on?"
+
+"Yes, papa, I didn't have time to take them off."
+
+
+A well-known Bishop, while visiting at a bride's new home for the first
+time, was awakened quite early by the soft tones of a soprano voice
+singing "Nearer, My God, to Thee." As the Bishop lay in bed he meditated
+upon the piety which his young hostess must possess to enable her to
+begin her day's work in such a beautiful frame of mind.
+
+At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was.
+
+"Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses for
+soft and five for hard."
+
+
+  There was a young woman named Sue,
+  Who wanted to catch the 2:02;
+    Said the trainman, "Don't hurry
+    Or flurry or worry;
+  It's a minute or two to 2:02."
+
+
+FATHER--"Mildred, if you disobey again I will surely spank you."
+
+On father's return home that evening, Mildred once more acknowledged
+that she had again disobeyed.
+
+FATHER (firmly)--"You are going to be spanked. You may choose your own
+time. When shall it be?"
+
+MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)--"Yesterday."
+
+
+A northerner passing a rundown looking place in the South, stopped to
+chat with the farmer. He noticed the hogs running wild and explained
+that in the North the farmers fattened their hogs much faster by
+shutting them in and feeding them well.
+
+"Hell!" replied the southerner, "What's time to a hog."
+
+
+Dost thou love life? Then waste not time; for time is the stuff that
+life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
+
+
+  Time fleeth on,
+  Youth soon is gone,
+    Naught earthly may abide;
+  Life seemeth fast,
+  But may not last
+    It runs as runs the tide.
+
+  --_Leland_.
+
+
+_See also_ Scientific management.
+
+
+
+
+TIPS
+
+
+American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the
+omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service,
+however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too far, or else
+attempt to resist it altogether. There is a story told of a wealthy and
+ostentatious American in a Parisian restaurant. As the waiter placed
+the order before him he said in a loud voice:
+
+"Waiter, what is largest tip you ever received?"
+
+"One thousand francs, monsieur."
+
+"_Eh bien_! But I will give you two thousand," answered the upholder of
+American honor; and then in a moment he added: "May I ask who gave you
+the thousand francs?"
+
+"It was yourself, monsieur," said the obsequious waiter.
+
+Of quite an opposite mode of thought was another American visiting
+London for the first time. Goaded to desperation by the incessant
+necessity for tips, he finally entered the washroom of his hotel, only
+to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please tip the basin after
+using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the Yankee, turning on his heel,
+"I'll go dirty first!"
+
+
+Grant Alien relates that he was sitting one day under the shade of the
+Sphinx, turning for some petty point of detail to his Baedeker.
+
+A sheik looked at him sadly, and shook his head. "Murray good," he said
+in a solemn voice of warning; "Baedeker no good. What for you see
+Baedeker?"
+
+"No, no; Baedeker is best," answered Mr. Alien. "Why do you object to
+Baedeker?"
+
+The shick crossed his hands, and looked down at him with the pitying
+eyes of Islam. "Baedeker bad book," he repeated; "Murray very, very
+good. Murray say, 'Give the sheik half a crown'; Baedeker say, 'Give the
+sheik a shilling.'"
+
+
+"What do you consider the most important event in the history of Paris?"
+
+"Well," replied the tourist, who had grown weary of distributing tips,
+"so far as financial prosperity is concerned, I should say the discovery
+of America was the making of this town."
+
+
+In telling this one, Miss Glaser always states that she does not want it
+understood that she considers the Scotch people at all stingy; but they
+are a very careful and thrifty race.
+
+An intimate friend of her's was very anxious to have a well known
+Scotchman meet Miss Glaser, and gave her a letter of introduction to
+him. Miss Glaser, wishing to show him all the attention possible,
+invited him to a dinner which she was giving in London and after rather
+an elaborate repast the bill was paid, the waiter returning five
+shillings. She let it lie, intending, of course, to give it to the
+waiter. The Scotchman glanced at the money very frequently, and finally
+he said, his natural thrift getting the best of him:
+
+"Are you going to give all that to the waiter?"
+
+In a inimitable way, Miss Glaser quietly replied:
+
+"No, take some."
+
+
+"A tip is a small sum of money you give to somebody because you're
+afraid he won't like not being paid for something you haven't asked him
+to do."--_The Bailie, Glasgow_.
+
+
+
+
+TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
+
+
+An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of
+friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The
+good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was
+entertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise and elation.
+
+While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant her
+distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him. It was "My
+Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do try that," "Take a
+piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was nearly finished.
+
+The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, during
+a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach the
+pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mother
+said:
+
+"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle."
+
+
+Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the pages strict
+orders that in the morning he was to go and knock at the Dean's door,
+and when the Dean inquired who was knocking he was to say: "The boy, my
+Lord." According to directions he knocked and the Dean asked: "Who is
+there?" Embarrassed by the voice of the great man the page answered:
+"The Lord, my boy."
+
+
+"How did he get his title of colonel?"
+
+"He got it to distinguish him from his wife's first husband, who was a
+captain, and his wife's second husband, who was a major."
+
+
+For titles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on their
+titles.--_Machiavelli_.
+
+
+I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain
+what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an
+"Honest Man."--_George Washington_.
+
+
+
+
+TOASTS
+
+
+_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman.
+
+
+
+
+TOBACCO
+
+
+"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker.
+"How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well,
+and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in."
+
+
+_See also_ Smoking.
+
+
+
+
+TOURISTS
+
+
+_See_ Liars; Travelers.
+
+
+
+
+TRADE UNIONS
+
+
+CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy all
+the time?"
+
+ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir."
+
+"Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to be
+happy eight hours a day."
+
+
+
+
+TRAMPS
+
+
+LADY--"Can't you find work?"
+
+TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer."
+
+LADY--"And can't you get one?"
+
+TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years."
+
+
+
+
+TRANSMUTATION
+
+
+Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories
+and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for a
+moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularly
+noticeable sheath-gown passed. Simultaneously, Wood turned to Stone;
+Stone turned to Wood; then both turned to rubber.
+
+
+
+
+TRAVELERS
+
+
+An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every point
+of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a Shinto funeral.
+Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the hotel, asking him to
+instruct her guide to take her to one. The clerk was politeness itself.
+He bowed gravely and replied: "I am very sorry, Madam, but this is not
+the season for funerals."
+
+
+A gentleman whose travel-talks are known throughout the world tells the
+following on himself:
+
+"I was booked for a lecture one night at a little place in Scotland four
+miles from a railway station.
+
+"The 'chairman' of the occasion, after introducing me as 'the mon wha's
+coom here tae broaden oor intellects,' said that he felt a wee bit of
+prayer would not be out of place.
+
+"'O Lord,' he continued, 'put it intae the heart of this mon tae speak
+the truth, the hale truth, and naething but the truth, and gie us grace
+tae understan' him.'
+
+"Then, with a glance at me, the chairman said, 'I've been a traveler
+meself!'"--_Fenimore Marlin_.
+
+
+Two young Americans touring Italy for the first time stopped off one
+night at Pisa, where they fell in with a convivial party at a cafe.
+Going hilariously home one pushed the other against a building and held
+him there.
+
+"Great heavens!" cried the man next the wall, suddenly glancing up at
+the structure above him. "See what we're doing!" Both roisterers fled.
+
+They left town on an early morning train, not thinking it safe to stay
+over and see the famous leaning tower.
+
+
+Mr. Hiram Jones had just returned from a personally conducted tour of
+Europe.
+
+"I suppose," commented a friend, "that when you were in England you did
+as the English do and dropped your H's."
+
+"No," moodily responded the returned traveller; "I didn't. I did as the
+Americans do. I dropped my V's and X's."
+
+Then he slowly meandered down to the bank to see if he couldn't get the
+mortgage extended.--_W. Hanny_.
+
+
+A number of tourists were recently looking down the crater of Vesuvius.
+An American gentleman said to his companion.
+
+"That looks a good deal like the infernal regions."
+
+An English lady, overhearing the remark, said to another:
+
+"Good gracious! How these Americans do travel."
+
+
+An American tourist hailing from the west was out sight-seeing in
+London. They took him aboard the old battle-ship _Victory_, which was
+Lord Nelson's flagship in several of his most famous naval triumphs. An
+English sailor escorted the American over the vessel, and coming to a
+raised brass tablet on the deck he said, as he reverently removed his
+hat:
+
+"'Ere, sir, is the spot where Lord Nelson fell."
+
+"Oh, is it?" replied the American, blankly. "Well, that ain't nothin'. I
+nearly tripped on the blame thing myself."
+
+
+On one of the famous scenic routes of the west there is a brakeman who
+has lost the forefinger of his right hand.
+
+His present assignment as rear-end brakeman on a passenger train places
+him in the observation car, where he is the target for an almost
+unceasing fusillade of questions from tourists who insist upon having
+the name, and, if possible, the history, of all the mountain cañons and
+points of interest along the route.
+
+One especially enthusiastic lady tourist had kept up her Gattling fire
+of questions until she had thoroughly mastered the geography of the
+country. Then she ventured to ask the brakeman how he had lost his
+finger:
+
+"Cut off in making a coupling between cars, I suppose?"
+
+"No, madam; I wore that finger off pointing out scenery to tourists."
+
+
+Know most of the rooms of thy native country before thou goest over the
+threshold thereof.--_Fuller_.
+
+When I was at home, I was in a better place; but travelers must be
+content.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+As the Spanish proverb says, "He who would bring home the wealth of the
+Indies must carry the wealth of the Indies with him." So it is in
+traveling: a man must carry knowledge with him, if he would bring home
+knowledge.--_Samuel Johnson_.
+
+
+
+
+TREASON
+
+
+It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite,
+criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords,
+exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: "Why, it looks very much
+like treason."
+
+Instantly came the answer in the Archbishop's best brogue: "Sure,
+treason is reason when there's an absent 't'."
+
+
+  Treason doth never prosper: what's the reason?
+  Why if it prosper, none dare call it treason.
+
+
+
+
+TREES
+
+
+CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?"
+
+FATHER--"They do, my son."
+
+CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?"
+
+FATHER--"The pantry, my son."
+
+
+
+
+TRIGONOMETRY
+
+
+A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and
+discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's
+this man charged with?"
+
+"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives."
+
+The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such
+ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry--that's
+trigonometry."
+
+
+
+
+TROUBLE
+
+
+"What is the trouble, wifey?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at
+home or something that happened in a novel?"
+
+
+It was married men's night at the revival meeting.
+
+"Let all you husbands who have troubles on your minds stand up!" shouted
+the preacher at the height of his spasm.
+
+Instantly every man in the church arose except one.
+
+"Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering out at this lone individual, who
+occupied a chair near the door. "You are one in a million."
+
+"It ain't that," piped back this one helplessly as the rest of the
+congregation gazed suspiciously at him: "I can't get up--I'm paralyzed!"
+
+
+JUDGE--"Your innocence is proved. You are acquitted."
+
+PRISONER (to the jury)--"Very sorry, indeed, gentlemen, to have given
+you all this trouble for nothing."
+
+
+A friend of mine, returning to his home in Virginia after several years'
+absence, met one of the old negroes, a former servant of his family.
+"Uncle Moses," he said, "I hear you got married."
+
+"Yes, Marse Tom, I is, and I's having a moughty troublesome time, Marse
+Tom, moughty troublesome."
+
+"What's the trouble?" said my friend.
+
+"Why, dat yaller woman, Marse Tom. She all de time axin' me fer money.
+She don't give me no peace."
+
+"How long have you been married, Uncle Moses?"
+
+"Nigh on ter two years, come dis spring."
+
+"And how much money have you given her?"
+
+"Well, I ain't done gin her none yit."--_Sue M.M. Halsey_.
+
+
+If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear tight shoes.
+
+
+Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear
+three--all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to
+have.--_Edward Everett Hale_.
+
+
+
+
+TRUSTS
+
+
+A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_.
+
+
+TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg
+dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates
+correctly and indelibly as the egg is being laid."
+
+DEWLEY--"Is the machine on the market yet?"
+
+TOMKINS--"Oh, my no! and it won't be on the market. The patent was
+bought by the Cold Storage Trust."
+
+
+
+
+TRUTH
+
+
+  There was a young lady named Ruth,
+  Who had a great passion for truth.
+    She said she would die
+    Before she would lie,
+  And she died in the prime of her youth.
+
+
+Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too
+tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the truth.
+
+
+Nature ... has buried truth deep in the bottom of the
+sea.--_Democritus_.
+
+
+"Tis strange--but true; for truth is always strange, Stranger than
+fiction."--_Byron_.
+
+
+
+
+TURKEYS
+
+
+"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a
+Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I
+was a boy, as the central figure!"
+
+"Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of
+them."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+TUTORS
+
+
+  A tutor who tooted a flute
+   Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
+     Said the two to the tutor,
+     "Is it harder to toot, or
+   To tutor two tutors to toot?"
+
+  --_Carolyn Wells_.
+
+
+
+
+TWINS
+
+
+"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?"
+
+"Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I
+know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_.
+
+
+
+
+UMBRELLAS
+
+
+A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card
+bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs
+to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in
+ten minutes." On returning to seek his property he found in its place a
+card thus inscribed: "This card was left here by a man who can run
+twelve miles an hour. I shall not be back."
+
+
+A reputable citizen had left four umbrellas to be repaired. At noon he
+had luncheon in a restaurant, and as he was departing he absent-mindedly
+started to take an umbrella from a hook near his hat.
+
+"That's mine, sir," said a woman at the next table.
+
+He apologized and went out. When he was going home in a street car with
+his four repaired umbrellas, the woman he had seen in the restaurant got
+in. She glanced from him to his umbrellas and said:
+
+"I see you had a good day."
+
+
+"That's a swell umbrella you carry."
+
+"Isn't it?"
+
+"Did you come by it honestly?"
+
+"I haven't quite figured out. It started to rain the other day and I
+stepped into a doorway to wait till it stopped. Then I saw a young
+fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought if he was
+going as far as my house I would beg the shelter of his timbershoot. So
+I stepped out and asked: 'Where are you going with that umbrella, young
+fellow?' and he dropped the umbrella and ran."
+
+
+One day a man exhibited a handsome umbrella. "It's wonderful how I make
+things last," he exclaimed. "Look at this umbrella, now. I bought it
+eleven years ago. Since then I had it recovered twice. I had new ribs
+put in in 1910, and last month I exchanged it for a new one in a
+restaurant. And here it is--as good as new."
+
+
+
+
+VALUE
+
+
+"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no
+idea of the value of money."
+
+"You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?"
+
+"Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have any
+appreciation of all the things he might buy with it."
+
+
+
+
+VANITY
+
+
+MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough
+ahlriddy."
+
+MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half as
+good lookin' as Oi am."
+
+
+"Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women are vain
+and men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the
+necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of his
+collar." There were six men present and each of them put his hand gently
+behind his neck.
+
+
+A New York woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend, bringing
+with her her eleven-year-old daughter, who gives promise of becoming as
+great a beauty as her mother.
+
+It chanced that the callers were shown into a room where the friend had
+been receiving a milliner, and there were several beautiful hats lying
+about. During the conversation the little girl amused herself by
+examining the milliner's creations. Of the number that she tried on, she
+seemed particularly pleased with a large black affair which set off her
+light hair charmingly. Turning to her mother, the little girl said:
+
+"I look just like you now, Mother, don't I?"
+
+"Sh!" cautioned the mother, with uplifted finger. "Don't be vain, dear."
+
+
+That which makes the vanity of others unbearable to us is that which
+wounds our own.--_La Rochefoucauld_.
+
+
+
+
+VERSATILITY
+
+
+A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply:
+
+    "_Dear Sir_:
+
+    "I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music
+    teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for
+    several years I beg to apply for the position."
+
+
+
+
+VOICE
+
+
+A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some
+groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing through that stage
+of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and his
+vocal organs, rapidly developing, are wont to cause his voice to undergo
+sudden and involuntary changes from high treble to low bass.
+
+In an authoritative rumbling bass voice he demanded of the busy clerk,
+"Give me a can of corn" (then, his voice suddenly changing to a shrill
+falsetto, he continued) "and a sack of flour."
+
+"Well, don't be in a hurry. I can't wait on both of you at once,"
+snapped the clerk.
+
+
+ASPIRING VOCALIST--"Professor, do you think I will ever be able to do
+anything with my voice?"
+
+PERSPIRING TEACHER--"Well it might come in handy in case of fire or
+shipwreck."--_Cornell Widow_.
+
+
+  The devil hath not, in all his quiver's choice,
+  An arrow for the heart like a sweet voice.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+
+
+WAGES
+
+
+"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more
+line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia."
+"Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty da month if da boss
+eata me."
+
+
+Commenting on the comparatively small salaries allowed by Congress for
+services rendered in the executive branch of the Government and the more
+liberal pay of some of the officials, a man in public life said:
+
+"It reminds me of the way a gang of laborers used to be paid down my
+way. The money was thrown at a ladder, and what stuck to the rungs went
+to the workers, while that which fell through went to the bosses."
+
+
+A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing his
+office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office boy,
+comes in for his full share of the admonition. That his words were
+appreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a conversation between
+Tommy and another office boy on the same floor which he recently
+overheard.
+
+"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy.
+
+"Ten thousand a year," replied Tommy.
+
+"Aw, g'wan!"
+
+"Sure," insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in cash, an' de
+rest in legal advice."
+
+
+While an Irishman was gazing in the window of a Washington bookstore the
+following sign caught his eye:
+
+  DICKENS' WORKS
+  ALL THIS WEEK FOR
+  ONLY $4.OO
+
+"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!"
+
+
+The difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wages you
+save two dollars a month, when you receive salary you borrow two dollars
+a month.
+
+
+He is well paid that is well satisfied.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+The ideal social state is not that in which each gets an equal amount of
+wealth, but in which each gets in proportion to his contribution to the
+general stock.--_Henry George_.
+
+
+
+
+WAITERS
+
+
+Recipe for a waiter:
+
+  Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please,
+    Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips;
+  Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce,
+    Roll in crumbs, melted butter and tips.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+WAR
+
+
+"Flag of truce, Excellency."
+
+"Well, what do the revolutionists want?"
+
+"They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of condensed
+milk."
+
+
+If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half full of
+water, crawl into it, and stay there for a day or two without anything
+to eat, get a lunatic to shoot at you with a brace of revolvers and a
+machine gun, and you will have something just as good, and you will save
+your country a great deal of expense.
+
+
+"Who are those people who are cheering?" asked the recruit as the
+soldiers marched to the train.
+
+"Those," replied the veteran, "are the people who are not
+going."--_Puck_.
+
+
+  He who did well in war, just earns the right
+  To begin doing well in peace.
+
+  --_Robert Browning_.
+
+
+A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle
+[patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some
+reward.--_George Washington_.
+
+
+_See also_ Arbitration, International; European War.
+
+
+
+
+WARNINGS
+
+
+Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at
+railroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, but
+assured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking.
+
+One hot day he was eating his noon luncheon on a pine log when he saw a
+big rattler coiled a few feet in front of him. He eyed the serpent and
+began to lift his legs over the log. He had barely got them out of the
+way when the snake's fangs hit the bark beneath him.
+
+"Son of a guna!" yelled Pietro. "Why you no ringa da bell?"
+
+
+
+
+WASHINGTON, GEORGE
+
+
+A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about
+George Washington, and finally she asked:
+
+"Can any one now tell me which Washington was--a great general or a
+great admiral?"
+
+The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and she signaled him to
+speak.
+
+"He was a great general," said the boy. "I seen a picture of him
+crossing the Delaware, and no great admiral would put out from shore
+standing up in a skiff."
+
+
+A Scotsman visiting America stood gazing at a fine statue of George
+Washington, when an American approached.
+
+"That was a great and good man, Sandy," said the American; "a lie never
+passed his lips."
+
+"Weel," said the Scot, "I praysume he talked through his nose like the
+rest of ye."
+
+
+
+
+WASPS
+
+
+The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it," in his own inimitable
+way, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to hold on.
+
+
+
+
+WASTE
+
+
+The automobile rushed down the road--huge, gigantic, sublime. Over the
+fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her husband is at the cafe
+and she has thirteen little ones. (An unlucky number.) Suddenly upon the
+thirteenth came the auto, unseeing, slew him, and hummed on, unknowing.
+The woman who works hard and long rushed forward with hands, hands made
+rough by toil, upraised. She paused and stood inarticulate--a goddess,
+a giantess. Then she hurled forth these words of derision, of despair:
+"Mon Dieu! And I'd just washed him!"--_Literally translated from Le
+Sport of Paris_.
+
+
+A Boston physician tells of the case of a ten-year-old boy, who, by
+reason of an attack of fever, became deaf. The physician could afford
+the lad but little relief, so the boy applied himself to the task of
+learning the deaf-and-dumb alphabet. The other members of his family,
+too, acquired a working knowledge of the alphabet, in order that they
+might converse with the unfortunate youngster.
+
+During the course of the next few months, however, Tommy's hearing
+suddenly returned to him, assisted no doubt by a slight operation
+performed by the physician.
+
+Every one was, of course, delighted, particularly the boy's mother, who
+one day exclaimed:
+
+"Oh, Tommy, isn't it delightful to talk to and hear us again?"
+
+"Yes," assented Tommy, but with a degree of hesitation; "but here we've
+all learned the sign language, and we can't find any more use for it!"
+
+
+
+
+WEALTH
+
+
+If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you want
+to get rich you must go about it in some other way.
+
+
+The traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to have got together
+in the first place.--_Puck_.
+
+
+He that is proud of riches is a fool. For if he be exalted above his
+neighbors because he hath more gold, how much inferior is he to a gold
+mine!--_Jeremy Taylor_.
+
+
+
+
+WEATHER
+
+
+"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of the
+returned traveler.
+
+"You don't have to find the weather in London," replied the traveler.
+"It bumps into you at every corner."
+
+
+An American and a Scotsman were discussing the cold experienced in
+winter in the North of Scotland.
+
+"Why, it's nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the States,"
+said the American. "I can recollect one winter when a sheep, jumping
+from a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen on the way, and
+stuck in the air like a mass of ice."
+
+"But, man," exclaimed the Scotsman, "the law of gravity wouldn't allow
+that."
+
+"I know that," replied the tale-pitcher. "But the law of gravity was
+frozen, too!"
+
+
+Two commercial travelers, one from London and one from New York, were
+discussing the weather in their respective countries.
+
+The Englishman said that English weather had one great fault--its sudden
+changes.
+
+"A person may take a walk one day," he said, "attired in a light summer
+suit, and still feel quite warm. Next day he needs an overcoat."
+
+"That's nothing," said the American. "My two friends, Johnson and Jones,
+were once having an argument. There were eight or nine inches of snow on
+the ground. The argument got heated, and Johnson picked up a snowball
+and threw it at Jones from a distance of not more than five yards.
+During the transit of that snowball, believe me or not, as you like, the
+weather changed and became hot and summer like, and Jones, instead of
+being hit with a snowball, was--er--scalded with hot water!"
+
+
+Ex-President Taft on one of his trips was playing golf on a western
+links when he noticed that he had a particularly good caddie, an old man
+of some sixty years, as they have on the Scottish links.
+
+"And what do you do in winter?" asked the President.
+
+"Such odd jobs as I can pick up, sir," replied the man.
+
+"Not much chance for caddying then, I suppose?" asked the President.
+
+"No, sir, there is not," replied the man with a great deal of warmth.
+"When there's no frost there's sure to be snow, and when there's no
+snow there's frost, and when there's neither there's sure to be rain.
+And the few days when it's fine they're always Sundays."
+
+
+On the way to the office of his publishers one crisp fall morning, James
+Whitcomb Riley met an unusually large number of acquaintances who
+commented conventionally upon the fine weather. This unremitting
+applause amused him. When greeted at the office with "Nice day, Mr.
+Riley," he smiled broadly.
+
+"Yes," he agreed. "Yes, I've heard it very highly spoken of."
+
+
+The darky in question had simmered in the heat of St. Augustine all his
+life, and was decoyed by the report that colored men could make as much
+as $4 a day in Duluth.
+
+He headed North in a seersucker suit and into a hard winter. At Chicago,
+while waiting for a train, he shivered in an engine room, and on the way
+to Duluth sped by miles of snow fields.
+
+On arriving he found the mercury at 18 below and promptly lost the use
+of his hands. Then his feet stiffened and he lost all sensation.
+
+They picked him up and took him to a crematory for unknown dead. After
+he had been in the oven for awhile somebody opened the door for
+inspection. Rastus came to and shouted:
+
+"Shut dat do' and close dat draff!"
+
+
+  There was a small boy in Quebec,
+  Who was buried in snow to his neck;
+    When they said, "Are you friz?"
+    He replied, "Yes, I is--
+  But we don't call this cold in Quebec."
+
+  --_Rudyard Kipling_.
+
+
+Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow is
+exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only
+different kinds of good weather.--_Ruskin_.
+
+
+
+
+WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES
+
+
+Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, and was
+walking majestically up and down the street.
+
+"Aren't you working to-day, Uncle?" asked somebody.
+
+"No, suh. I'se celebrating' mah golden weddin' suh."
+
+"You were married fifty years ago to-day, then!"
+
+"Yes, suh."
+
+"Well, why isn't your wife helping you to celebrate?"
+
+"Mah present wife, suh," replied Uncle Ephraim with dignity, "ain't got
+nothin' to do with it."
+
+
+
+
+WEDDING PRESENTS
+
+
+Among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural section
+of Virginia, was one that was a gift of an old woman with whom both
+bride and groom were great favorites.
+
+Some time ago, it appears, the old woman accumulated a supply of
+cardboard mottoes, which she worked and had framed as occasion arose.
+
+So it happened that in a neat combination of blues and reds, suspended
+by a cord of orange, there hung over the table whereon the other
+presents were displayed for the delectation of the wedding guests, this
+motto:
+
+    FIGHT ON; FIGHT EVER.
+
+
+
+
+WEDDINGS
+
+
+An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose bride
+had been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the wedding
+invitations: "Be sure and come; this is no amateur performance."
+
+
+A wealthy young woman from the west was recently wedded to a member of
+the nobility of England, and the ceremony occurred in the most
+fashionable of London churches--St. George's.
+
+Among the guests was a cousin of the bride, as sturdy an American as can
+be imagined. He gave an interesting summary of the wedding when asked by
+a girl friend whether the marriage was a happy one.
+
+"Happy? I should say it was," said the cousin. "The bride was happy, her
+mother was overjoyed, Lord Stickleigh, the groom, was in ecstasies, and
+his creditors, I understand, were in a state of absolute bliss."--_Edwun
+Tarrisse_.
+
+
+The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking
+young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about
+as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself
+to cheer him up.
+
+"Er--have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.
+
+"Not lately," replied the gloomy one with a far-away expression.
+
+
+The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach
+the significance of white to a Sunday-school class.
+
+"Why," said he, "does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white
+at her marriage?"
+
+As no one answered, he explained. "White," said he, "stands for joy, and
+the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman's life."
+
+A small boy queried, "Why do the men all wear black?"--_M.J. Moor_.
+
+
+Lilly May came to her mistress. "Ah would like a week's vacation, Miss
+Annie," she said, in her soft negro accent; "Ah wants to be married."
+
+Lillie had been a good girl, so her mistress gave her the week's
+vacation, a white dress, a veil and a plum-cake.
+
+Promptly at the end of the week Lillie returned, radiant. "Oh, Miss
+Annie!" she exclaimed, "Ah was the mos' lovely bride! Ma dress was
+pcrfec', ma veil mos' lovely, the cake mos' good! An' oh, the dancin'
+an' the eatin'!"
+
+"Well, Lillie, this sounds delightful," said her mistress, "but you have
+left out the point of your story--I hope you have a good husband."
+
+Lillie's tone changed to indignation: "Now, Miss Annie, what yo' think?
+Tha' darn nigger nebber turn up!"
+
+
+There is living in Illinois a solemn man who is often funny without
+meaning to be. At the time of his wedding, he lived in a town some
+distance from the home of the bride. The wedding was to be at her house.
+On the eventful day the solemn man started for the station, but on the
+way met the village grocer, who talked so entertainingly that the
+bridegroom missed his train.
+
+Naturally he was in a "state." Something must be done, and done quickly.
+So he sent the following telegram:
+
+    Don't marry till I come.--HENRY.
+
+--_Howard, Morse_.
+
+
+In all the wedding cake, hope is the sweetest of the plums.--_Douglas
+Jerrold_.
+
+
+
+
+WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
+
+
+"Didn't I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day until ye
+had her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward a sickly,
+emaciated cat that was slinking through the store.
+
+"Ye did thot," replied the assistant, "an" I've just been after feedin'
+her a pound of meat this very minute."
+
+"Faith, an' I don't believe ye. Bring me the scales."
+
+The poor cat was lifted into the scales. Thy balancd at exactly one
+pound.
+
+"There!" exclaimed the assistant triumphantly. "Didn't I tell ye she'd
+had her pound of meat?"
+
+"That's right," admitted the boss, scratching his head. "That's yer
+pound of meat all right. But"--suddenly looking up--"where the divvil is
+the cat?"
+
+
+
+
+WELCOMES
+
+
+When Ex-President Taft was on his transcontinental tour, American flags
+and Taft pictures were in evidence everywhere. Usually the Taft pictures
+contained a word of welcome under them. Those who heard the President's
+laugh ring out will not soon forget the western city which, directly
+under the barred window of the city lockup, displayed a Taft picture
+with the legend "Welcome" on it.--_Hugh Morist_.
+
+
+  Come in the evening, or come in the morning,
+  Come when you're looked for, or come without warning,
+  Kisses and welcome you'll find here before you,
+  And the oftener you come here the more I'll adore you.
+
+  --_Thomas O. Davis_.
+
+
+
+
+WEST, THE
+
+
+EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)--"The idea of calling this the
+'Wild-West'! Why, I never saw such politeness anywhere."
+
+COWBOY--"We're allers perlite to ladies, ma'am."
+
+EASTERN LADY--"Oh, as for that, there is plenty of politeness
+everywhere. But I refer to the men. Why, in New York the men behave
+horribly towards one another; but here they treat one another as
+delicately as gentlemen in a drawing-room."
+
+COWBOY--"Yes, ma'am; it's safer."--_Abbie C. Dixon_.
+
+
+
+
+WHISKY
+
+
+This is from an Irish priest's sermon, as quoted in Samuel M. Hussey's
+"Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": "'It's whisky makes you bate
+your wives; it's whisky makes your homes desolate; it's whisky makes you
+shoot your landlords, and'--with emphasis, as he thumped the
+pulpit--'it's whisky makes you miss them.'"
+
+
+In a recent trial of a "bootlegger" in western Kentucky a witness
+testified that he had purchased some "squirrel" whisky from the
+defendant.
+
+"Squirrel whisky?" questioned the court.
+
+"Yes, you know: the kind that makes you talk nutty and want to climb
+trees."
+
+
+General Carter, who went to Texas in command of the regulars sent south
+for maneuvers along the Mexican border, tells this story of an old Irish
+soldier: The march had been a long and tiresome one, and as the bivouac
+was being made for the night, the captain noticed that Pat was looking
+very much fatigued. Thinking that a small drop of whisky might do him
+good, the captain called Pat aside and said, "Pat, will you have a wee
+drink of whisky?" Pat made no answer, but folded his arms in a
+reverential manner and gazed upward. The captain repeated the question
+several times, but no answer from Pat, who stood silent and motionless,
+gazing devoutly into the sky. Finally the captain, taking him by the
+shoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said: "Pat, why don't you
+answer? I said, 'Pat, will you have a drink of whisky?'" After looking
+around in considerable astonishment Pat replied: "And is it yez,
+captain? Begorrah and I thought it was an angel spakin' to me."
+
+
+_See_ also Drinking.
+
+
+
+
+WHISKY BREATH
+
+
+_See_ Breath.
+
+
+
+
+WIDOWS
+
+
+During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlor
+one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not," replied the
+other. "Are you?"
+
+"No," was the reply, "I, too, am on the single list," adding: "Strange
+that two such estimable women as ourselves should have been overlooked
+in the great matrimonial market! Now that lady," pointing to another who
+was passing, "has been widowed four times, two of her husbands having
+been cremated. The woman," she continued, "is plain and uninteresting,
+and yet she has them to burn."
+
+
+
+
+WIND
+
+
+VISITOR--"What became of that other windmill that was here last year?"
+
+NATIVE--"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it down."
+
+
+  Whichever way the wind doth blow
+  Some heart is glad to have it so;
+  Then blow it east, or blow it west,
+  The wind that blows, that wind is best.
+
+  --_Caroline A. Mason_.
+
+
+
+
+WINDFALLS
+
+
+A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped in a
+widow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home worth about
+$30,000 more than when he started.
+
+
+
+
+WINE
+
+
+  When our thirsty souls we steep,
+  Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep.
+  Talk of monarchs! we are then
+  Richest, happiest, first of men.
+
+  When I drink, my heart refines
+  And rises as the cup declines;
+  Rises in the genial flow,
+  That none but social spirits know.
+
+  To-day we'll haste to quaff our wine,
+  As if to-morrow ne'er should shine;
+  But if to-morrow comes, why then--
+  We'll haste to quaff our wine again.
+
+  Let me, oh, my budding vine,
+  Spill no other blood than thine.
+  Yonder brimming goblet see,
+  That alone shall vanquish me.
+
+  I pray thee, by the gods above,
+  Give me the mighty howl I love,
+  And let me sing, in wild delight.
+  "I will--I will be mad to-night!"
+
+  When Father Time swings round his scythe,
+  Intomb me 'neath the bounteous vine,
+  So that its juices red and blythe,
+  May cheer these thirsty bones of mine.
+
+  --_Eugene Field_.
+
+
+_See also_ Drinking.
+
+
+
+
+WISHES
+
+
+George Washington drew a long sigh and said: "Ah wish Ah had a hundred
+watermillions."
+
+Dixie's eyes lighted. "Hum! Dat would suttenly be fine! An' ef yo' had a
+hundred watermillions would yo' gib me fifty?"
+
+"No, Ah wouldn't."
+
+"Wouldn't yo' give me twenty-five?"
+
+"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' no twenty-five."
+
+Dixie gaxed with reproachful eyes at his close-fisted friend. "Seems to
+me, you's powahful stingy, George Washington," he said, and then
+continued in a heartbroken voice. "Wouldn't yo' gib me one?"
+
+"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' one. Look a' heah, nigger! Are yo' so good for
+nuffen lazy dat yo' cahn't wish fo' yo' own watermillions?"
+
+
+  "Man wants but little here below
+    Nor wants that little long,"
+  'Tis not with me exactly so;
+    But'tis so in the song.
+  My wants are many, and, if told,
+    Would muster many a score;
+  And were each a mint of gold,
+    I still should long for more.
+
+  --_John Quincy Adams_.
+
+
+
+
+WITNESSES
+
+
+"The trouble is," said Wilkins as he talked the matter over with his
+counsel, "that in the excitement of the moment I admitted that I had
+been going too fast, and wasn't paying any attention to the road just
+before the collision. I'm afraid that admission is going to prove
+costly."
+
+"Don't wory about that," said his lawyer. "I'll bring seven witnesses
+to testify that they wouldn't believe you under oath."
+
+
+On his eighty-fourth birthday, Paul Smith, the veteran Adirondock
+hotel-keeper, who started life as a guide and died owning a million
+dollars' worth of forest land, was talking about boundary disputes
+with an old friend.
+
+"Didn't you hear of the lawsuit over a title that I had with Jones
+down in Malone last summer?" asked Paul. The friend had not heard.
+
+"Well," said Paul, "it was this way. I sat in the court room before
+the case opened with my witnesses around me. Jones busted in, stopped,
+looked my witnesses over carefully, and said: 'Paul, are those your
+witnesses?' 'They are,' said I. 'Then you win,' said he. 'I've had
+them witnesses twice myself.'"
+
+
+
+
+WIVES
+
+
+"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?"
+
+"I believe so, my son," said the father.
+
+"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me
+death?'"--_Town Topics_.
+
+
+A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman who
+lived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passage
+concerning Solomon's household.
+
+"Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old woman,
+after reflection.
+
+"Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated in the Bible."
+
+"Lor', mum!" was the comment. "What privileges them early Christians
+had!"
+
+
+CASEY--"Now, phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot?"
+
+CLANCY--"Loike phwat?"
+
+CASEY--"Th' walkin' diligate tils me to stroike, an' me ould woman
+orders me to ke-ape on wurrkin'."
+
+
+Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, was taken to task because he had
+made a certain appointment, a friend maintaining that another man
+should have received the place. The governor listened quietly and then
+said:
+
+"Did I ever tell you about Mose Williams? One day Mose sought his
+employer, an acquaintance of mine, and inquired:
+
+"'Say, boss, is yo' gwine to town t'morrer?'
+
+"'I think so. Why?'
+
+"'Well, hit's dishaway. Me an' Easter Johnson's gwine to git mahred,
+an' Ah 'lowed to ax yo' ter git a pair of licenses fo' me."
+
+"I shall be delighted to oblige you, Mose, and I hope you will be very
+happy."
+
+"The next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old man was
+waiting for him.
+
+"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.
+
+"'Yes, here they are.'
+
+"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry
+yo' got 'em, boss!'
+
+"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'
+
+"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry
+Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis'
+Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'
+
+"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost
+you fifty cents more.'
+
+"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change
+made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.
+
+"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'
+
+"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'
+
+"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter
+Johnson after all.'
+
+"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you
+change your mind again?'
+
+"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't
+fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"
+
+
+A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew
+on buttons before they come off.
+
+
+"What are you cutting out of the paper?"
+
+"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
+through his pockets."
+
+"What are you going to do with it?"
+
+"Put it in my pocket."
+
+
+A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight
+wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth,
+and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.
+
+"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"
+
+"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.
+
+"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then you must be as strong as a man!"
+
+"I am."
+
+"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your
+husband--would you?"
+
+"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.
+
+The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads.
+Then the oldest said softly:
+
+"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife.
+He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.
+
+
+PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."
+
+MIKE--"She is thot."
+
+PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"
+
+MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"
+
+
+SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."
+
+MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's
+all."
+
+SON--"May I stay up till he does?"
+
+
+"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who
+wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."
+
+
+It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged
+his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big,
+square-jawed woman with a determined eye.
+
+"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to
+your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.
+
+"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare
+defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of
+overtook me."
+
+
+"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return
+one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"
+
+"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"
+
+"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.
+
+"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"
+
+Flora dried her tears.
+
+"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to
+you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course,
+I--I opened it."
+
+"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.
+
+"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"
+
+"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"
+
+"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into
+fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't
+f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"
+"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.
+
+"'Yes, here they are.'
+
+"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry
+yo' got 'em, boss!'
+
+"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'
+
+"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry
+Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis'
+Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'
+
+"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost
+you fifty cents more.'
+
+"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change
+made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.
+
+"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'
+
+"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'
+
+"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter
+Johnson after all.'
+
+"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you
+change your mind again?'
+
+"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't
+fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"
+
+
+A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew
+on buttons before they come off.
+
+
+"What are you cutting out of the paper?"
+
+"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
+through his pockets."
+
+"What are you going to do with it?"
+
+"Put it in my pocket."
+
+
+A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight
+wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth,
+and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.
+
+"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"
+
+"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.
+
+"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then you must be as strong as a man!"
+
+"I am."
+
+"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your
+husband--would you?"
+
+"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.
+
+The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads.
+Then the oldest said softly:
+
+"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife.
+He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.
+
+
+PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."
+
+MIKE--"She is thot."
+
+PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"
+
+MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"
+
+
+SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."
+
+MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's
+all."
+
+SON--"May I stay up till he does?"
+
+
+"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who
+wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."
+
+
+It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged
+his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big,
+square-jawed woman with a determined eye.
+
+"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to
+your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.
+
+"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare
+defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of
+overtook me."
+
+
+"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return
+one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"
+
+"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"
+
+"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.
+
+"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"
+
+Flora dried her tears.
+
+"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to
+you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course,
+I--I opened it."
+
+"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.
+
+"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"
+
+"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"
+
+"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into
+fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't
+f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"
+
+
+"By jove, I left my purse under the pillow!"
+
+"Oh, well, your servant is honest, isn't she?"
+
+"That's just it. She'll take it to my wife."
+
+
+  There swims no goose so gray, but soon or late
+  She finds some honest gander for her mate.
+
+  --_Pope_.
+
+
+A clerk showed forty patterns of ginghams to a man whose wife had sent
+him to buy some for her for Christmas, and at every pattern the man
+said: "My wife said she didn't want anything like that."
+
+The clerk put the last piece back on the shelf. "Sir," he said, "you
+don't want gingham. What you want is a divorce."
+
+
+Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are
+wives.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+  In the election of a wife, as in
+  A project of war, to err but once is
+  To be undone forever.
+
+  --_Thomas Middleton_.
+
+
+  Of earthly goods, the best is a good wife;
+  A bad, the bitterest curse of human life.
+
+  --_Simonides_.
+
+
+_See also_ Domestic finance; Suffragettes; Talkers; Temper; Woman
+suffrage.
+
+
+
+
+WOMAN
+
+
+Woman--the only sex which attaches more importance to what's on its head
+than to what's in it.
+
+
+"How very few statues there are of real women."
+
+"Yes! it's hard to get them to look right."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn't seem true to life."
+
+
+    "Oh, woman! in our hours of ease
+    Uncertain, coy, and hard to please"--
+    So wrote Sir Walter long ago.
+    But how, pray, could he really know?
+    If woman fair he strove to please,
+   Where did he get his "hours of ease"?
+
+  --_George B. Morewood_.
+
+
+MISS SCRIBBLE-"The heroine of my next story is to be one of those modern
+advanced girls who have ideas of their own and don't want to get
+married."
+
+THE COLONEL (politely)-"Ah, indeed, I don't think I ever met that
+type."--_Life_.
+
+
+  You are a dear, sweet girl,
+  God bless you and keep you--
+  Wish I could afford to do so.
+
+
+Here's to man--he can afford anything he can get. Here's to woman--she
+can afford anything that she can get a man to get for her.--_George
+Ade_.
+
+
+  Here's to the soldier and his arms,
+    Fall in, men, fall in;
+  Here's to woman and her arms,
+    Fall in, men, fall in!
+
+
+Most Southerners are gallant. An exception is the Georgian who gave his
+son this advice:
+
+"My boy, never run after a woman or a street car--there will be another
+one along in a minute or two."
+
+
+  Here's to the maid of bashful fifteen;
+  Here's to the widow of fifty;
+  Here's to the flaunting, extravagant queen;
+  And here's to the housewife that's thrifty.
+   Chorus:
+    Let the toast pass,--
+    Drink to the lass,
+  I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass.
+
+  --_Sheridan_.
+
+
+
+  Here's to the ladies, the good, young ladies;
+  But not too good, for the good die young,
+  And we want no dead ones.
+  And here's to the good old ladies,
+  But not too old, for we want no dyed ones.
+
+
+When a woman repulses, beware. When a woman beckons,
+bewarer.--_Henriette Corkland_.
+
+
+The young woman had spent a busy day.
+
+She had browbeaten fourteen salespeople, bullyragged a floor-walker,
+argued victoriously with a milliner, laid down the law to a modiste,
+nipped in the bud a taxi chauffeur's attempt to overcharge her, made a
+street car conductor stop the car in the middle of a block for her,
+discharged her maid and engaged another, and otherwise refused to allow
+herself to be imposed upon.
+
+Yet she did not smile that evening when a young man begged:
+
+"Let me be your protector through life!"
+
+
+I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like
+their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their
+_silence.--Samuel Johnson_.
+
+
+  Auld Nature swears, the lovely dears
+    Her noblest work she classes, O:
+  Her 'prentice hand she tried on man,
+    An' then she made the lasses, O.
+
+  --_Burns_.
+
+
+  Not from his head was woman took,
+  As made her husband to o'erlook;
+  Not from his feet, as one designed
+  The footstool of the stronger kind;
+  But fashioned for himself, a bride;
+  An equal, taken from his side.
+
+  --_Charles Wesley_.
+
+
+_See also_ Mice; Mothers; Smoking; Suffragettes; Wives; Woman suffrage.
+
+
+
+
+WOMAN SUFFRAGE
+
+
+WOMAN VOTER--"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I absolutely
+refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones woman."
+
+
+Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked recently how she stood on the vote for
+women question. She replied she didn't "stand at all," and told a
+story about a New England farmer's wife who had no very romantic ideas
+about the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from churn to sink, from
+sink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wanted
+to vote. "No, I certainly don't! I say if there's one little thing
+that the men folks can do alone, for goodness sakes let 'em do it!"
+she replied.
+
+
+MR. E.N. QUIRE--"What are those women mauling that man for?"
+
+MRS. HENBALLOT--"He insulted us by saying that the suffrage movement
+destroyed our naturally timid sweetness and robbed us of all our
+gentleness."
+
+
+"Did you cast your vote, Aunty?"
+
+"Oh, yes! Isn't it grand? A real nice gentleman with a beautiful
+moustache and yellow spats marked my ballot for me. I know I should
+have marked it myself, but it seemed to please him greatly."
+
+
+"Does your wife want to vote?"
+
+"No. She wants a larger town house, a villa on the sea coast and a new
+limousine car every six months. I'd be pleased most to death if she
+could fix her attention on a smaller matter like the vote."
+
+
+"What you want, I suppose, is to vote, just like the men do."
+
+"Certainly not," replied Mrs. Baring-Banners. "If we couldn't do any
+better than that there would be no use of our voting."
+
+
+"There's only one thing I can think of to head off this suffrage
+movement," said the mere man.
+
+"What is that?" asked his wife.
+
+"Make the legal age for voting thirty-five instead of
+twenty-one."--_Catholic Universe_.
+
+
+MAMIE--"I believe in woman's rights."
+
+GERTIE--"Then you think every woman should have a vote?"
+
+MAMIE--"No; but I think every woman should have a voter."--_The
+Woman's Journal_.
+
+
+During the Presidential campaign the question of woman suffrage was
+much discussed among women pro and con, and at an afternoon tea the
+conversation turned that way between the women guests.
+
+"Are you a woman suffragist?" asked the one who was most interested.
+
+"Indeed, I am not," replied the other most emphatically.
+
+"Oh, that's too bad, but just supposing you were, whom would you
+support in the present campaign?"
+
+"The same man I've always supported, of course," was the apt
+reply--"my husband."
+
+
+_See also_ Suffragettes.
+
+
+
+WOMEN'S CLUBS
+
+
+_See_ Clubs.
+
+
+
+WORDS
+
+
+_See_ Authors.
+
+
+
+WORK
+
+
+  All work and no play
+  Makes Jack surreptitiously gay.
+
+
+"Wot cheer, Alf? Yer lookin' sick; wot is it?"
+
+"Work! nuffink but work, work, work, from mornin' till night!"
+
+'"Ow long 'ave yer been at it?"
+
+"Start tomorrow."--_Punch_.
+
+
+Several men were discussing the relative importance and difficulty of
+mental and physical work, and one of them told the following
+experience:
+
+"Several years ago, a tramp, one of the finest specimens of physical
+manhood that I have ever seen, dropped into my yard and asked me for
+work. The first day I put him to work helping to move some heavy
+rocks, and he easily did as much work as any two other men, and yet
+was as fresh as could be at the end of the day.
+
+"The next morning, having no further use for him, I told him he could
+go; but he begged so hard to remain that I let him go into the cellar
+and empty some apple barrels, putting the good apples into one barrel
+and throwing away the rotten ones--about a half hour's work.
+
+"At the end of two hours he was still in the cellar, and I went down
+to see what the trouble was. I found him only half through, but almost
+exhausted, beads of perspiration on his brow.
+
+"'What's the matter?' I asked. 'Surely that work isn't hard.'
+
+"'No not hard,' he replied. 'But the strain on the judgment is
+_awful_.'"
+
+
+_See also_ Rest cure.
+
+
+
+
+WORMS
+
+
+A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and
+the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the event
+she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. Picking
+up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the admiring crowd.
+
+"Isn't this perfectly gorgeous!" she exclaimed. "Just think, it came
+from a poor little insignificant worm!"
+
+Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and said:
+"Yes, darn it, an' I'm that worm!"
+
+
+
+
+YALE UNIVERSITY
+
+
+The new cook, who had come into the household during the holidays,
+asked her mistress:
+
+"Where ban your son? I not seeing him round no more."
+
+"My son," replied the mistress pridefully. "Oh, he has gone back to
+Yale. He could only get away long enough to stay until New Year's day,
+you see. I miss him dreadfully, tho."
+
+"Yas, I knowing yoost how you feel. My broder, he ban in yail sax
+times since Tanksgiving."
+
+
+
+
+YONKERS
+
+
+An American took an Englishman to a theater. An actor in the farce,
+about to die, exclaimed: "Please, dear wife, don't bury me in
+Yonkers!"
+
+The Englishman turned to his friend and said: "I say, old chap, what
+_are_ yonkers?"
+
+
+
+
+"YOU"
+
+
+  Here's to the world, the merry old world,
+  To its days both bright and blue;
+  Here's to our future, be it what it may,
+  And here's to my best--that's you!
+
+
+
+
+ZONES
+
+
+TEACHER--"How many zones has the earth?"
+
+PUPIL--"Five."
+
+TEACHER--"Correct. Name them."
+
+PUPIL--"Temperate zone, intemperate, canal, horrid, and o."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+INDEX
+
+  ABILITY
+  ABOLITION
+  ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
+  ACCIDENTS
+  ACTING
+  ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
+  ADAPTATION
+  ADDRESSES
+  ADVERTISING
+  ADVICE
+  AERONAUTICS
+  AEROPLANES
+  AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
+  AGE
+  AGENTS
+  AGRICULTURE
+  ALARM CLOCKS
+  ALERTNESS
+  ALIBI
+  ALIMONY
+  ALLOWANCES
+  ALTRUISM
+  AMBITION
+  AMERICAN GIRL
+  AMERICANS
+  AMUSEMENTS
+  ANATOMY
+  ANCESTRY
+  ANGER
+  ANNIVERSARIES
+  ANTIDOTES
+  APPEARANCES
+  APPLAUSE
+  ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
+  ARITHMETIC
+  ARMIES
+  ARMY RATIONS
+  ART
+  ARTISTS
+  ATHLETES
+  ATTENTION
+  AUTHORS
+  AUTOMOBILES
+  AUTOMOBILING
+  AVIATION
+  AVIATORS
+
+  BABIES
+  BACCALAUREATE SERMONS
+  BACTERIA
+  BADGES
+  BAGGAGE
+  BALDNESS
+  BANKS AND BANKING
+  BAPTISM
+  BAPTISTS
+  BARGAINS
+  BASEBALL
+  BATHS AND BATHING
+  BAZARS
+  BEARDS
+  BEAUTY
+  BEAUTY, PERSONAL
+  BEDS
+  BEER
+  BEES
+  BEETLES
+  BEGGING
+  BETTING
+  BIBLE INTERPRETATION
+  BIGAMY
+  BILLS
+  BIRTHDAYS
+  BLUFFING
+  BLUNDERS
+  BOASTING
+  BONANZAS
+  BOOKKEEPING
+  BOOKS AND READING
+  BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING
+  BOOKWORMS
+  BOOMERANGS
+  BORES
+  BORROWERS
+  BOSSES
+  BOSTON
+  BOXING
+  BOYS
+  BREAKFAST FOODS
+  BREATH
+  BREVITY
+  BRIBERY
+  BRIDES
+  BRIDGE WHIST
+  BROOKLYN
+  BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS
+  BUILDINGS
+  BURGLARS
+  BUSINESS
+  BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
+  BUSINESS ETHICS
+  BUSINESS WOMEN
+
+  CAMPAIGNS
+  CAMPING
+  CANDIDATES
+  CANNING AND PRESERVING
+  CAPITALISTS
+  CAREFULNESS
+  CARPENTERS
+  CARVING
+  CASTE
+  CATS
+  CAUSE AND EFFECT
+  CAUTION
+  CHAMPAGNE
+  CHARACTER
+  CHARITY
+  CHICAGO
+  CHICKEN STEALING
+  CHILD LABOR
+  CHILDREN
+  CHOICES
+  CHOIRS
+  CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
+  CHRISTIANS
+  CHRISTMAS GIFTS
+  CHRONOLOGY
+  CHURCH ATTENDANCE
+  CHURCH DISCIPLINE
+  CIRCUS
+  CIVILIZATION
+  CLEANLINESS
+  CLERGY
+  CLIMATE
+  CLOTHING
+  CLUBS
+  COAL DEALERS
+  COEDUCATION
+  COFFEE
+  COINS
+  COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
+  COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
+  COLLEGE GRADUATES
+  COLLEGE STUDENTS
+  COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
+  COMMON SENSE
+  COMMUTERS
+  COMPARISONS
+  COMPENSATION
+  COMPETITION
+  COMPLIMENTS
+  COMPOSERS
+  COMPROMISES
+  CONFESSIONS
+  CONGRESS
+  CONGRESSMEN
+  CONSCIENCE
+  CONSEQUENCES
+  CONSIDERATION
+  CONSTANCY
+  CONTRIBUTION BOX
+  CONUNDRUMS
+  CONVERSATION
+  COOKERY
+  COOKS
+  CORNETS
+  CORNS
+  CORPULENCE
+  COSMOPOLITANISM
+  COST OF LIVING
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  COURAGE
+  COURTESY
+  COURTS
+  COURTSHIP
+  COWARDS
+  COWS
+  CRITICISM
+  CRUELTY
+  CUCUMBERS
+  CULTURE
+  CURFEW
+  CURIOSITY
+  CYCLONES
+
+  DACHSHUNDS
+  DAMAGES
+  DANCING
+  DEAD BEATS
+  DEBTS
+  DEER
+  DEGREES
+  DEMOCRACY
+  DEMOCRATIC PARTY
+  DENTISTRY
+  DENTISTS
+  DESCRIPTION
+  DESIGN, DECORATIVE
+  DESTINATION
+  DETAILS
+  DETECTIVES
+  DETERMINATION
+  DIAGNOSIS
+  DIET
+  DILEMMAS
+  DINING
+  DIPLOMACY
+  DISCIPLINE
+  DISCOUNTS
+  DISCRETION
+  DISPOSITION
+  DISTANCES
+  DIVORCE
+  DOGS
+  DOMESTIC FINANCE
+  DOMESTIC RELATIONS
+  DRAMA
+  DRAMATIC CRITICISM
+  DRAMATISTS
+  DRESSMAKERS
+  DRINKING
+  DROUGHTS
+  DRUNKARDS
+  DYSPEPSIA
+
+  ECHOES
+  ECONOMY
+  EDITORS
+  EDUCATION
+  EFFICIENCY
+  EGOTISM
+  ELECTIONS
+  ELECTRICITY
+  EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS
+  EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES
+  ENEMIES
+  ENGLAND
+  ENGLISH LANGUAGE
+  ENGLISHMEN
+  ENTHUSIASM
+  EPITAPHS
+  EPITHETS
+  EQUALITY
+  ERMINE
+  ESCAPES
+  ETHICS
+  ETIQUET
+  EUROPEAN WAR
+  EVIDENCE
+  EXAMINATIONS
+  EXCUSES
+  EXPOSURE
+  EXTORTION
+  EXTRAVAGANCE
+
+  FAILURES
+  FAITH
+  FAITHFULNESS
+  FAME
+  FAMILIES
+  FAREWELLS
+  FASHION
+  FATE
+  FATHERS
+  FAULTS
+  FEES
+  FEET
+  FIGHTING
+  FINANCE
+  FINGER-BOWLS
+  FIRE DEPARTMENTS
+  FIRE ESCAPES
+  FIRES
+  FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
+  FISH
+  FISHERMEN
+  FISHING
+  FLATS
+  FLATTERY
+  FLIES
+  FLIRTATION
+  FLOWERS
+  FOOD
+  FOOTBALL
+  FORDS
+  FORECASTING
+  FORESIGHT
+  FORGETFULNESS
+  FORTUNE HUNTERS
+  FOUNTAIN PENS
+  FOURTH OF JULY
+  FREAKS
+  FREE THOUGHT
+  FRENCH LANGUAGE
+  FRESHMEN
+  FRIENDS
+  FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF
+  FRIENDSHIP
+  FUN
+  FUNERALS
+  FURNITURE
+  FUTURE LIFE
+
+  GARDENING
+  GAS STOVES
+  GENEROSITY
+  GENTLEMEN
+  GERMANS
+  GHOSTS
+  GIFTS
+  GLUTTONY
+  GOLF
+  GOOD FELLOWSHIP
+  GOSSIP
+  GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
+  GOVERNORS
+  GRAFT
+  GRATITUDE
+  GREAT BRITAIN
+  GRIEF
+  GUARANTEES
+  GUESTS
+
+  HABIT
+  HADES
+  HAPPINESS
+  HARNESSING
+  HARVARD UNIVERSITY
+  HASH
+  HASTE
+  HEALTH RESORTS
+  HEARING
+  HEAVEN
+  HEIRLOOMS
+  HELL
+  HEREDITY
+  HEROES
+  HIGH COST OF LIVING
+  HINTING
+  HOME
+  HOMELINESS
+  HOMESTEADS
+  HONESTY
+  HONOR
+  HOPE
+  HORSES
+  HOSTS
+  HOTELS
+  HUNGER
+  HUNTING
+  HURRY
+  HUSBANDS
+  HYBRIDIZATION
+  HYPERBOLE
+  HYPOCRISY
+
+  IDEALS
+  ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
+  IMAGINATION
+  IMITATION
+  INFANTS
+  INQUISITIVENESS
+  INSANITY
+  INSPIRATIONS
+  INSTALMENT PLAN
+  INSTRUCTIONS
+  INSURANCE, LIFE
+  INSURANCE BLANKS
+  INSURGENTS
+  INTERVIEWS
+  INVITATIONS
+  IRISH BULLS
+  IRISHMEN
+  IRREVERENCE
+  IDEALS
+  ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
+  IMAGINATION
+  IMITATION
+  INFANTS
+  INQUISITIVENESS
+  INSANITY
+  INSPIRATIONS
+  INSTALMENT PLAN
+  INSTRUCTIONS
+  INSURANCE, LIFE
+  INSURANCE BLANKS
+  INSURGENTS
+  INTERVIEWS
+  INVITATIONS
+  IRISH BULLS
+  IRISHMEN
+  IRREVERENCE
+
+  JAMES, HENRY
+  JEWELS
+  JEWS
+  JOKES
+  JOURNALISM
+  JUDGES
+  JUDGMENT
+  JURY
+  JUSTICE
+  JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
+
+  KENTUCKY
+  KINDNESS
+  KINGS AND RULERS
+  KISSES
+  KNOWLEDGE
+  KULTUR
+
+  LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
+  LADIES
+  LANDLORDS
+  LANGUAGES
+  LAUGHTER
+  LAW
+  LAWYERS
+  LAZINESS
+  LEAP YEAR
+  LEGISLATORS
+  LIARS
+  LIBERTY
+  LIBRARIANS
+  LIFE
+  LISPING
+  LOST AND FOUND
+  LOVE
+  LOYALTY
+  LUCK
+
+  MAINE
+  MAKING GOOD
+  MALARIA
+  MARKS(WO)MANSHIP
+  MARRIAGE
+  MARRIAGE FEES
+  MATHEMATICS
+  MATRIMONY
+  MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
+  MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
+  MEDICINE
+  MEEKNESS
+  MEMORIALS
+  MEMORY
+  MEN
+  MESSAGES
+  METAPHOR
+  MICE
+  MIDDLE CLASSES
+  MILITANTS
+  MILITARY DISCIPLINE
+  MILLINERS
+  MILLIONAIRES
+  MINORITIES
+  MISERS
+  MISSIONARIES
+  MISSIONS
+  MISTAKEN IDENTITY
+  MOLLYCODDLES
+  MONEY
+  MORAL EDUCATION
+  MOSQUITOES
+  MOTHERS
+  MOTHERS-IN-LAW
+  MOTORCYCLES
+  MOUNTAINS
+  MOVING PICTURES
+  MUCK-RAKING
+  MULES
+  MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
+  MUSEUMS
+  MUSIC
+  MUSICIANS
+
+  NAMES, PERSONAL
+  NATIVES
+  NATURE LOVERS
+  NAVIGATION
+  NEATNESS
+  NEGROES
+  NEIGHBORS
+  NEW JERSEY
+  NEW YORK CITY
+  NEWS
+  NEWSPAPERS
+
+  OBESITY
+  OBITUARIES
+  OBSERVATION
+  OCCUPATIONS
+  OCEAN
+  OFFICE BOYS
+  OFFICE-SEEKERS
+  OLD AGE
+  OLD MASTERS
+  ONIONS
+  OPERA
+  OPPORTUNITY
+  OPTIMISM
+  ORATORS
+  OUTDOOR LIFE
+
+  PAINTING
+  PAINTINGS
+  PANICS
+  PARENTS
+  PARROTS
+  PARTNERSHIP
+  PASSWORDS
+  PATIENCE
+  PATRIOTISM
+  PENSIONS
+  PESSIMISM
+  PHILADELPHIA
+  PHILANTHROPISTS
+  PHILOSOPHY
+  PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
+  PICKPOCKETS
+  PINS
+  PITTSBURG
+  PLAY
+  PLEASURE
+  POETRY
+  POETS
+  POLICE
+  POLITENESS
+  POLITICAL PARTIES
+  POLITICIANS
+  POLITICS
+  POVERTY
+  PRAISE
+  PRAYER MEETINGS
+  PRAYERS
+  PREACHING
+  PRESCRIPTIONS
+  PRESENCE OF MIND
+  PRINTERS
+  PRISONS
+  PRODIGALS
+  PROFANITY
+  PROHIBITION
+  PROMOTING
+  PROMOTION
+  PROMPTNESS
+  PRONUNCIATION
+  PROPORTION
+  PROPOSALS
+  PROPRIETY
+  PROSPERITY
+  PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH
+  PROTESTANTS
+  PROVIDENCE
+  PROVINCIALISM
+  PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS
+  PUBLIC SPEAKERS
+  PUNISHMENT
+  PUNS
+  PURE FOOD
+
+  QUARRELS
+  QUESTIONS
+  QUOTATIONS
+
+  RACE PREJUDICES
+  RACE PRIDE
+  RACE SUICIDE
+  RACES
+  RAILROADS
+  RAPID TRANSIT
+  READING
+  REAL ESTATE AGENTS
+  REALISM
+  RECALL
+  RECOMMENDATIONS
+  RECONCILIATIONS
+  REFORMERS
+  REGRETS
+  REHEARSALS
+  RELATIVES
+  RELIGIONS
+  REMEDIES
+  REMINDERS
+  REPARTEE
+  REPORTING
+  REPUBLICAN PARTY
+  REPUTATION
+  RESEMBLANCES
+  RESIGNATION
+  RESPECTABILITY
+  REST CURE
+  RETALIATION
+  REVOLUTIONS
+  REWARDS
+  RHEUMATISM
+  ROADS
+  ROASTS
+  ROOSEVELT, THEODORE
+
+  SALARIES
+  SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
+  SALOONS
+  SALVATION
+  SAVING
+  SCANDAL
+  SCHOOLS
+  SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT
+  SCOTCH, THE
+  SEASICKNESS
+  SEASONS
+  SENATORS
+  SENSE OF HUMOR
+  SENTRIES
+  SERMONS
+  SERVANTS
+  SHOPPING
+  SHYNESS
+  SIGNS
+  SILENCE
+  SIN
+  SKATING
+  SKY-SCRAPERS
+  SLEEP
+  SMILES
+  SMOKING
+  SNEEZING
+  SNOBBERY
+  SNORING
+  SOCIALISTS
+  SOCIETY
+  SOLECISMS
+  SONS
+  SOUVENIRS
+  SPECULATION
+  SPEED
+  SPINSTERS
+  SPITE
+  SPRING
+  STAMMERING
+  STATESMEN
+  STATISTICS
+  STEAK
+  STEAM
+  STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS
+  STENOGRAPHERS
+  STOCK BROKERS
+  STRATEGY
+  SUBWAYS
+  SUCCESS
+  SUFFRAGETTES
+  SUICIDE
+  SUMMER RESORTS
+  SUNDAY
+  SUNDAY SCHOOLS
+  SUPERSTITION
+  SURPRISE
+  SWIMMERS
+  SYMPATHY
+  SYNONYMS
+
+  TABLE MANNERS
+  TACT
+  TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD
+  TALENT
+  TALKERS
+  TARDINESS
+  TARIFF
+  TASTE
+  TEACHERS
+  TEARS
+  TEETH
+  TELEPHONE
+  TEMPER
+  TEMPERANCE
+  TEXAS
+  TEXTS
+  THEATER
+  THIEVES
+  THIN PEOPLE
+  THRIFT
+  TIDES
+  TIME
+  TIPS
+  TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
+  TOASTS
+  TOBACCO
+  TOURISTS
+  TRAMPS
+  TRANSMUTATION
+  TRAVELERS
+  TREASON
+  TREES
+  TRIGONOMETRY
+  TROUBLE
+  TRUSTS
+  TRUTH
+  TURKEYS
+  TUTORS
+  TWINS
+
+  UMBRELLAS
+
+  VALUE
+  VANITY
+  VERSATILITY
+  VOICE
+
+  WAGES
+  WAITERS
+  WAR
+  WARNINGS
+  WASHINGTON, GEORGE
+  WASPS
+  WASTE
+  WEALTH
+  WEATHER
+  WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES
+  WEDDING PRESENTS
+  WEDDINGS
+  WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
+  WELCOMES
+  WEST, THE
+  WHISKY
+  WHISKY BREATH
+  WIDOWS
+  WIND
+  WINDFALLS
+  WINE
+  WISHES
+  WITNESSES
+  WIVES
+  WOMAN
+  WOMAN SUFFRAGE
+  WOMEN'S CLUBS
+  WORDS
+  WORK
+  WORMS
+
+  YALE UNIVERSITY
+  YONKERS
+  "YOU"
+
+  ZONES
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook: Toaster's Handbook
+by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK: TOASTER'S HANDBOOK ***
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook: Toaster's Handbook
+by Peggy Edmund and Harold W. Williams, compilers
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Toaster's Handbook
+       Jokes, Stories, and Quotations
+
+Author: Peggy Edmund and Harold W. Williams, compilers
+
+Release Date: May 26, 2004 [EBook #12444]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK: TOASTER'S HANDBOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Shell, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<div class="note">
+[Transcriber's note: The Table of Contents was added to this e-book
+by the transcriber.]
+</div>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h1>TOASTER'S HANDBOOK</h1>
+<h2>JOKES, STORIES, AND QUOTATIONS</h2>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h5><i>Compiled by</i></h5>
+<h2>PEGGY EDMUND</h2>
+<h5><i>and</i></h5>
+<h2>HAROLD WORKMAN WILLIAMS</h2>
+<br />
+<h5><i>Introductions by</i></h5>
+<h2>MARY KATHARINE REELY</h2>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>1916</h3>
+<hr />
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
+<p class="toc"><a href="#HPREF">PREFACE</a></p>
+<p class="toc"><a href="#H002">ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF
+HUMOR</a></p>
+<p class="toc"><a href="#H003">TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND
+TOASTS</a></p>
+<p class="toc"><a href="#H004">TOASTER'S HANDBOOK</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H005">ABILITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H006">ABOLITION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H007">ABSENT-MINDEDNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H008">ACCIDENTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H009">ACTING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H010">ACTORS AND ACTRESSES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H0101">ADAPTATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H011">ADDRESSES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H012">ADVERTISING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H0121">ADVICE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H013">AERONAUTICS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H014">AEROPLANES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H015">AFTER DINNER SPEECHES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H016">AGE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H017">AGENTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H018">AGRICULTURE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H019">ALARM CLOCKS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H020">ALERTNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H021">ALIBI</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H022">ALIMONY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H023">ALLOWANCES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H024">ALTERNATIVES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H025">ALTRUISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H026">AMBITION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H027">AMERICAN GIRL</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H028">AMERICANS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H029">AMUSEMENTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H030">ANATOMY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H031">ANCESTRY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H032">ANGER</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H033">ANNIVERSARIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H034">ANTIDOTES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H035">APPEARANCES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H036">APPLAUSE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H037">ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H038">ARITHMETIC</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H039">ARMIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H040">ARMY RATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H041">ART</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H042">ARTISTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H043">ATHLETES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H044">ATTENTION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H045">AUTHORS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H046">AUTOMOBILES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H047">AUTOMOBILING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H048">AVIATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H049">AVIATORS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H050">BABIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H051">BACCALAUREATE SERMONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H052">BACTERIA</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H053">BADGES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H054">BAGGAGE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H055">BALDNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H056">BANKS AND BANKING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H057">BAPTISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H058">BAPTISTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H059">BARGAINS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H060">BASEBALL</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H061">BATHS AND BATHING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H062">BAZARS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H063">BEARDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H064">BEAUTY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H065">BEAUTY, PERSONAL</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H066">BEDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H067">BEER</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H068">BEES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H069">BEETLES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H070">BEGGING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H071">BETTING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H072">BIBLE INTERPRETATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H073">BIGAMY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H074">BILLS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H075">BIRTHDAYS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H076">BLUFFING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H077">BLUNDERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H078">BOASTING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H079">BONANZAS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H080">BOOKKEEPING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H081">BOOKS AND READING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H082">BOOKSELLERS AND
+BOOKSELLING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H083">BOOKWORMS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H084">BOOMERANGS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H085">BORES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H086">BORROWERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H087">BOSSES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H088">BOSTON</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H089">BOXING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H090">BOYS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H091">BREAKFAST FOODS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H092">BREATH</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H093">BREVITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H094">BRIBERY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H095">BRIDES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H096">BRIDGE WHIST</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H097">BROOKLYN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H098">BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H099">BUILDINGS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H100">BURGLARS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H101">BUSINESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H102">BUSINESS ENTERPRISE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H103">BUSINESS ETHICS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H104">BUSINESS WOMEN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H105">CAMPAIGNS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H106">CAMPING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H107">CANDIDATES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H108">CANNING AND PRESERVING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H109">CAPITALISTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H110">CAREFULNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H111">CARPENTERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H112">CARVING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H113">CASTE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H114">CATS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H115">CAUSE AND EFFECT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H116">CAUTION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H117">CHAMPAGNE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H118">CHARACTER</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H119">CHARITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H120">CHICAGO</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H121">CHICKEN STEALING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H122">CHILD LABOR</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H123">CHILDREN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H124">CHOICES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H125">CHOIRS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H126">CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H127">CHRISTIANS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H128">CHRISTMAS GIFTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H129">CHRONOLOGY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H130">CHURCH ATTENDANCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H131">CHURCH DISCIPLINE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H132">CIRCUS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H133">CIVILIZATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H134">CLEANLINESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H135">CLERGY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H136">CLIMATE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H137">CLOTHING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H138">CLUBS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H139">COAL DEALERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H140">COEDUCATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H141">COFFEE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H142">COINS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H143">COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H144">COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H145">COLLEGE GRADUATES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H146">COLLEGE STUDENTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H147">COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H148">COMMON SENSE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H149">COMMUTERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H150">COMPARISONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H151">COMPENSATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H152">COMPETITION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H153">COMPLIMENTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H154">COMPOSERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H155">COMPROMISES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H156">CONFESSIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H157">CONGRESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H158">CONGRESSMEN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H159">CONSCIENCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H160">CONSEQUENCES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H161">CONSIDERATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H162">CONSTANCY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H163">CONTRIBUTION BOX</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H164">CONUNDRUMS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H165">CONVERSATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H166">COOKERY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H167">COOKS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H168">CORNETS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H169">CORNS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H170">CORPULENCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H171">COSMOPOLITANISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H172">COST OF LIVING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H173">COUNTRY LIFE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H174">COURAGE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H175">COURTESY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H176">COURTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H177">COURTSHIP</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H178">COWARDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H179">COWS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H180">CRITICISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H181">CRUELTY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H182">CUCUMBERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H183">CULTURE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H184">CURFEW</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H185">CURIOSITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H186">CYCLONES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H187">DACHSHUNDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H188">DAMAGES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H189">DANCING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H190">DEAD BEATS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H191">DEBTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H192">DEER</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H193">DEGREES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H194">DEMOCRACY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H195">DEMOCRATIC PARTY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H196">DENTISTRY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H197">DENTISTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H198">DESCRIPTION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H199">DESIGN, DECORATIVE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H200">DESTINATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H201">DETAILS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H202">DETECTIVES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H203">DETERMINATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H204">DIAGNOSIS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H205">DIET</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H206">DILEMMAS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H207">DINING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H2071">DIPLOMACY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H208">DISCIPLINE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H209">DISCOUNTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H210">DISCRETION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H211">DISPOSITION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H212">DISTANCES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H213">DIVORCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H214">DOGS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H215">DOMESTIC FINANCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H216">DOMESTIC RELATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H217">DRAMA</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H218">DRAMATIC CRITICISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H219">DRAMATISTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H220">DRESSMAKERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H221">DRINKING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H222">DROUGHTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H223">DRUNKARDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H224">DYSPEPSIA</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H225">ECHOES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H226">ECONOMY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H227">EDITORS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H228">EDUCATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H229">EFFICIENCY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H230">EGOTISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H231">ELECTIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H232">ELECTRICITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H233">EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H234">EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H235">ENEMIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H236">ENGLAND</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H237">ENGLISH LANGUAGE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H238">ENGLISHMEN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H239">ENTHUSIASM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H240">EPITAPHS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H241">EPITHETS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H242">EQUALITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H243">ERMINE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H244">ESCAPES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H245">ETHICS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H246">ETIQUET</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H247">EUROPEAN WAR</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H248">EVIDENCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H249">EXAMINATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H250">EXCUSES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H251">EXPOSURE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H252">EXTORTION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H253">EXTRAVAGANCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H254">FAILURES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H255">FAITH</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H256">FAITHFULNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H257">FAME</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H258">FAMILIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H259">FAREWELLS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H260">FASHION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H261">FATE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H262">FATHERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H263">FAULTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H264">FEES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H265">FEET</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H266">FIGHTING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H267">FINANCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H268">FINGER-BOWLS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H269">FIRE DEPARTMENTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H270">FIRE ESCAPES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H271">FIRES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H272">FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND
+INJURY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H273">FISH</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H274">FISHERMEN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H275">FISHING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H276">FLATS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H277">FLATTERY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H278">FLIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H279">FLIRTATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H280">FLOWERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H281">FOOD</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H282">FOOTBALL</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H283">FORDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H284">FORECASTING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H285">FORESIGHT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H286">FORGETFULNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H287">FORTUNE HUNTERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H288">FOUNTAIN PENS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H289">FOURTH OF JULY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H290">FREAKS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H291">FREE THOUGHT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H292">FRENCH LANGUAGE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H293">FRESHMEN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H294">FRIENDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H295">FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H2951">FRIENDSHIP</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H296">FUN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H297">FUNERALS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H298">FURNITURE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H299">FUTURE LIFE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H300">GARDENING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H301">GAS STOVES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H302">GENEROSITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H303">GENTLEMEN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H304">GERMANS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H305">GHOSTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H306">GIFTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H307">GLUTTONY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H308">GOLF</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H309">GOOD FELLOWSHIP</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H310">GOSSIP</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H311">GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H312">GOVERNORS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H313">GRAFT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H314">GRATITUDE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H315">GREAT BRITAIN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H316">GRIEF</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H317">GUARANTEES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H318">GUESTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H319">HABIT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H320">HADES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H321">HAPPINESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H322">HARNESSING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H323">HARVARD UNIVERSITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H324">HASH</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H325">HASTE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H326">HEALTH RESORTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H327">HEARING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H328">HEAVEN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H329">HEIRLOOMS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H330">HELL</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H331">HEREDITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H332">HEROES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H333">HINTING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H334">HOME</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H335">HOMELINESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H336">HOMESTEADS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H337">HONESTY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H338">HONOR</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H339">HOPE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H340">HORSES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H341">HOSPITALITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H342">HOSTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H343">HOTELS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H344">HUNGER</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H345">HUNTING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H346">HURRY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H347">HUSBANDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H348">HYBRIDIZATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H349">HYPERBOLE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H350">HYPOCRISY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H351">IDEALS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H352">ILLUSIONS AND
+HALLUCINATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H353">IMAGINATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H354">IMITATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H355">INFANTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H356">INQUISITIVENESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H357">INSANITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H358">INSPIRATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H359">INSTALMENT PLAN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H360">INSTRUCTIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H361">INSURANCE, LIFE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H362">INSURANCE BLANKS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H363">INSURGENTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H364">INTERVIEWS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H365">INVITATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H366">IRISH BULLS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H367">IRISHMEN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H368">IRREVERENCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H369">JEWELS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H370">JEWS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H371">JOKES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H372">JUDGES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H373">JUDGMENT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H374">JURY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H375">JUVENILE DELINQUENCY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H376">KENTUCKY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H377">KINDNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H378">KINGS AND RULERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H379">KISSES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H380">KNOWLEDGE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H381">KULTUR</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H382">LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H383">LADIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H384">LANDLORDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H385">LANGUAGES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H386">LAUGHTER</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H387">LAW</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H388">LAWYERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H389">LAZINESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H390">LEAP YEAR</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H391">LEGISLATORS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H392">LIARS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H393">LIBERTY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H394">LIBRARIANS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H395">LIFE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H396">LISPING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H397">LOST AND FOUND</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H398">LOVE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H399">LOYALTY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H400">LUCK</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H401">MAINE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H402">MAKING GOOD</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H403">MALARIA</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H404">MARKS(WO)MANSHIP</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H405">MARRIAGE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H406">MARRIAGE FEES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H407">MATHEMATICS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H408">MATRIMONY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H409">MEASURING INSTRUMENTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H410">MEDICAL INSPECTION OF
+SCHOOLS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H411">MEDICINE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H412">MEEKNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H413">MEMORIALS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H414">MEMORY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H415">MEN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H416">MESSAGES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H417">METAPHOR</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H418">MICE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H419">MIDDLE CLASSES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H420">MILITANTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H421">MILITARY DISCIPLINE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H422">MILLINERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H423">MILLIONAIRES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H424">MINORITIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H425">MISERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H426">MISSIONARIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H427">MISSIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H428">MISTAKEN IDENTITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H429">MOLLYCODDLES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H430">MONEY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H431">MORAL EDUCATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H432">MOSQUITOES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H433">MOTHERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H434">MOTHERS-IN-LAW</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H435">MOTORCYCLES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H436">MOUNTAINS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H437">MOVING PICTURES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H438">MUCK-RAKING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H439">MULES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H440">MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H441">MUSEUMS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H442">MUSIC</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H443">MUSICIANS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H444">NAMES, PERSONAL</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H445">NATIVES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H446">NATURE LOVERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H447">NAVIGATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H448">NEATNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H449">NEGROES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H450">NEIGHBORS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H451">NEW JERSEY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H452">NEW YORK CITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H453">NEWS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H454">NEWSPAPERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H455">OBESITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H456">OBITUARIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H457">OBSERVATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H458">OCCUPATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H459">OCEAN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H460">OFFICE BOYS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H461">OFFICE-SEEKERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H462">OLD AGE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H463">OLD MASTERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H464">ONIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H465">OPERA</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H466">OPPORTUNITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H467">OPTIMISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H468">ORATORS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H469">OUTDOOR LIFE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H470">PAINTING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H471">PAINTINGS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H472">PANICS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H473">PARENTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H474">PARROTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H475">PARTNERSHIP</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H476">PASSWORDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H477">PATIENCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H478">PATRIOTISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H479">PENSIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H480">PESSIMISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H481">PHILADELPHIA</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H482">PHILANTHROPISTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H483">PHILOSOPHY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H484">PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H485">PICKPOCKETS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H486">PINS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H487">PITTSBURG</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H488">PLAY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H489">PLEASURE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H490">POETRY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H491">POETS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H492">POLICE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H493">POLITENESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H494">POLITICAL PARTIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H495">POLITICIANS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H496">POLITICS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H497">POVERTY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H498">PRAISE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H499">PRAYER MEETINGS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H500">PREACHING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H501">PRESCRIPTIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H502">PRESENCE OF MIND</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H503">PRINTERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H504">PRISONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H505">PRODIGALS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H506">PROFANITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H507">PROHIBITION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H508">PROMOTING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H509">PROMOTION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H510">PROMPTNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H511">PRONUNCIATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H512">PROPORTION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H513">PROPOSALS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H514">PROPRIETY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H515">PROSPERITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H516">PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL
+CHURCH</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H517">PROTESTANTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H518">PROVIDENCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H519">PROVINCIALISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H520">PUBLIC SERVICE
+CORPORATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H521">PUBLIC SPEAKERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H522">PUNISHMENT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H523">PUNS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H524">PURE FOOD</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H525">QUARRELS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H526">QUESTIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H527">QUOTATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H528">RACE PREJUDICES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H529">RACE PRIDE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H530">RACE SUICIDE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H531">RACES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H532">RAILROADS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H533">RAPID TRANSIT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H534">READING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H535">REAL ESTATE AGENTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H536">REALISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H537">RECALL</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H538">RECOMMENDATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H539">RECONCILIATIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H540">REFORMERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H541">REGRETS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H542">REHEARSALS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H543">RELATIVES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H544">RELIGIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H545">REMEDIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H546">REMINDERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H547">REPARTEE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H548">REPORTING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H549">REPUBLICAN PARTY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H550">REPUTATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H551">RESEMBLANCES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H552">RESIGNATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H553">RESPECTABILITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H554">REST CURE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H555">RETALIATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H5551">REVOLUTIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H556">REWARDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H557">RHEUMATISM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H558">ROADS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H559">ROASTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H560">ROOSEVELT, THEODORE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H561">SALARIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H562">SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H563">SALOONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H564">SALVATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H565">SAVING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H566">SCANDAL</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H567">SCHOLARSHIP</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H568">SCHOOLS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H569">SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H570">SCOTCH, THE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H571">SEASICKNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H572">SEASONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H573">SENATORS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H574">SENSE OF HUMOR</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H575">SENTRIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H576">SERMONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H577">SERVANTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H578">SHOPPING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H579">SHYNESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H580">SIGNS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H581">SILENCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H582">SIN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H583">SINGERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H584">SKATING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H585">SKY-SCRAPERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H586">SLEEP</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H587">SMILES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H588">SMOKING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H589">SNEEZING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H590">SNOBBERY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H591">SNORING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H592">SOCIALISTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H593">SOCIETY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H594">SOLECISMS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H595">SONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H596">SOUVENIRS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H597">SPECULATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H598">SPEED</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H599">SPINSTERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H600">SPITE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H601">SPRING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H602">STAMMERING</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H603">STATESMEN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H604">STATISTICS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H605">STEAK</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H606">STEAM</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H607">STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H608">STENOGRAPHERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H609">STOCK BROKERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H610">STRATEGY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H611">SUBWAYS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H612">SUCCESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H613">SUFFRAGETTES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H614">SUICIDE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H615">SUMMER RESORTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H616">SUNDAY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H617">SUNDAY SCHOOLS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H618">SUPERSTITION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H619">SURPRISE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H620">SWIMMERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H621">SYMPATHY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H622">SYNONYMS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H623">TABLE MANNERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H624">TACT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H625">TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H626">TALENT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H627">TALKERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H628">TARDINESS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H629">TARIFF</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H630">TASTE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H631">TEACHERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H632">TEARS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H633">TEETH</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H634">TELEPHONE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H635">TEMPER</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H636">TEMPERANCE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H637">TEXAS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H638">TEXTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H639">THEATER</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H640">THIEVES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H641">THIN PEOPLE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H642">THRIFT</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H643">TIDES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H644">TIME</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H645">TIPS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H646">TITLES OF HONOR AND
+NOBILITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H647">TOASTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H648">TOBACCO</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H649">TOURISTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H650">TRADE UNIONS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H651">TRAMPS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H652">TRANSMUTATION</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H653">TRAVELERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H654">TREASON</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H655">TREES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H656">TRIGONOMETRY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H657">TROUBLE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H658">TRUSTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H659">TRUTH</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H660">TURKEYS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H661">TUTORS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H662">TWINS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H663">UMBRELLAS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H664">VALUE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H665">VANITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H666">VERSATILITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H667">VOICE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H668">WAGES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H669">WAITERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H670">WAR</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H671">WARNINGS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H672">WASHINGTON, GEORGE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H673">WASPS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H674">WASTE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H675">WEALTH</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H676">WEATHER</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H677">WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H678">WEDDING PRESENTS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H679">WEDDINGS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H680">WEIGHTS AND MEASURES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H681">WELCOMES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H682">WEST, THE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H683">WHISKY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H684">WHISKY BREATH</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H685">WIDOWS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H686">WIND</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H687">WINDFALLS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H688">WINE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H689">WISHES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H690">WITNESSES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H691">WIVES</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H692">WOMAN</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H693">WOMAN SUFFRAGE</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H6931">WOMEN'S CLUBS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H6932">WORDS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H6933">WORK</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H694">WORMS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H695">YALE UNIVERSITY</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H696">YONKERS</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H697">"YOU"</a></p>
+<p class="topic"><a href="#H698">ZONES</a></p>
+<a name="HPREF" id="HPREF"><!-- H2 anchor --></a>
+<hr />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<h2>PREFACE</h2>
+<p>Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is
+expected to respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by
+occasion. All ideas he may ever have had on the subject melt away
+and like a drowning man he clutches furiously at the nearest solid
+object. This book is intended for such rescue purpose, buoyant and
+trustworthy but, it is to be hoped, not heavy.</p>
+<p>Let the frightened toaster turn first to the key word of his
+topic in this dictionary alphabet of selections and perchance he
+may find toast, story, definition or verse that may felicitously
+introduce his remarks. Then as he proceeds to outline his talk and
+to put it into sentences, he may find under one of the many subject
+headings a bit which will happily and scintillatingly drive home
+the ideas he is unfolding.</p>
+<p>While the larger part of the contents is humorous, there are
+inserted many quotations of a serious nature which may serve as
+appropriate literary ballast.</p>
+<p>The jokes and quotes gathered for the toaster have been placed
+under the subject headings where it seemed that they might be most
+useful, even at the risk of the joke turning on the compilers. To
+extend the usefulness of such pseudo-cataloging, cross references,
+similar and dissimilar to those of a library card catalog, have
+been included.</p>
+<p>Should a large number of the inclusions look familiar, let us
+remark that the friends one likes best are those who have been
+already tried and trusted and are the most welcome in times of
+need. However, there are stories of a rising generation, whose
+acquaintance all may enjoy.</p>
+<p>Nearly all these new and old friends have before this made their
+bow in print and since it rarely was certain where they first
+appeared, little attempt has been made to credit any source for
+them. The compilers hereby make a sweeping acknowledgment to the
+"funny editors" of many books and periodicals.</p>
+<a name="H002" id="H002"><!-- H2 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h2>ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR</h2>
+<p>"Man," says Hazlitt, "is the only animal that laughs and weeps,
+for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference
+between what things are and what they ought to be." The sources,
+then, of laughter and tears come very close together. At the
+difference between things as they are and as they ought to be we
+laugh, or we weep; it would depend, it seems, on the point of view,
+or the temperament. And if, as Horace Walpole once said, "Life is a
+comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel," it is the
+thinking half of humanity that, at the sight of life's
+incongruities, is moved to laughter, the feeling half to tears. A
+sense of humor, then, is the possession of the thinking half, and
+the humorists must be classified at once with the thinkers.</p>
+<p>If one were asked to go further than this and to give offhand a
+definition of humor, or of that elusive quality, a sense of humor,
+he might find himself confronted with a difficulty. Yet certain
+things about it would be patent at the outset: Women haven't it;
+Englishmen haven't it; it is the chiefest of the virtues, for tho a
+man speak with the tongues of men and of angels, if he have not
+humor we will have none of him. Women may continue to laugh over
+those innocent and innocuous incidents which they find amusing; may
+continue to write the most delightful of stories and
+essays&mdash;consider Jane Austen and our own Miss
+Repplier&mdash;over which appreciative readers may continue to
+chuckle; Englishmen may continue, as in the past to produce the
+most exquisite of the world's humorous literature&mdash;think of
+Charles Lamb&mdash;yet the fundamental faith of mankind will remain
+unshaken: women have no sense of humor, and an Englishman cannot
+see a joke! And the ability to "see a joke" is the infallible
+American test of the sense of humor.</p>
+<p>But taking the matter seriously, how would one define humor?
+When in doubt, consult the dictionary, is, as always, an excellent
+motto, and, following it, we find that our trustworthy friend,
+Noah Webster, does not fail us. Here is his definition of humor,
+ready to hand: humor is "the mental faculty of discovering,
+expressing, or appreciating ludicrous or absurdly incongruous
+elements in ideas, situations, happenings, or acts," with the
+added information that it is distinguished from wit as
+"less purely intellectual and having more kindly sympathy
+with human nature, and as often blended with pathos." A friendly
+rival in lexicography defines the same prized human attribute more
+lightly as "a facetious turn of thought," or more specifically in
+literature, as "a sportive exercise of the imagination that is
+apparent in the choice and treatment of an idea or theme."
+Isn't there something about that word "sportive," on the
+lips of so learned an authority, that tickles the
+fancy&mdash;appeals to the sense of humor?</p>
+<p>Yet if we peruse the dictionary further, especially if we
+approach that monument to English scholarship, the great Murray, we
+shall find that the problem of defining humor is not so simple as
+it might seem; for the word that we use so glibly, with so sure a
+confidence in its stability, has had a long and varied history and
+has answered to many aliases. When Shakespeare called a man
+"humorous" he meant that he was changeable and capricious, not that
+he was given to a facetious turn of thought or to a "sportive"
+exercise of the imagination. When he talks in "The Taming of the
+Shrew" of "her mad and head-strong humor" he doesn't mean to imply
+that Kate is a practical joker. It is interesting to note in
+passing that the old meaning of the word still lingers in the verb
+"to humor." A woman still humors her spoiled child and her
+cantankerous husband when she yields to their capriciousness. By
+going hack a step further in history, to the late fourteenth
+century, we met Chaucer's physician who knew "the cause of everye
+maladye, and where engendered and of what humour" and find that
+Chaucer is not speaking of a mental state at all, but is referring
+to those physiological humours of which, according to Hippocrates,
+the human body contained four: blood, phlegm, bile, and black bile,
+and by which the disposition was determined. We find, too, that at
+one time a "humour" meant any animal or plant fluid, and again any
+kind of moisture. "The skie hangs full of humour, and I think we
+shall haue raine," ran an ancient weather prophet's prediction.
+Which might give rise to some thoughts on the paradoxical subject
+of <i>dry</i> humor.</p>
+<p>Now in part this development is easily traced. Humor, meaning
+moisture of any kind, came to have a biological significance and
+was applied only to plant and animal life. It was restricted later
+within purely physiological boundaries and was applied only to
+those "humours" of the human body that controlled temperament. From
+these fluids, determining mental states, the word took on a
+psychological coloring, but&mdash;by what process of evolution did
+humor reach its present status! After all, the scientific method
+has its weaknesses!</p>
+<p>We can, if we wish, define humor in terms of what it is not. We
+can draw lines around it and distinguish it from its next of kin,
+wit. This indeed has been a favorite pastime with the jugglers of
+words in all ages. And many have been the attempts to define humor,
+to define wit, to describe and differentiate them, to build high
+fences to keep them apart.</p>
+<p>"Wit is abrupt, darting, scornful; it tosses its analogies in
+your face; humor is slow and shy, insinuating its fun into your
+heart," says E. P. Whipple. "Wit is intellectual, humor is
+emotional; wit is perception of resemblance, humor of
+contrast&mdash;of contrast between ideal and fact, theory and
+practice, promise and performance," writes another authority. While
+yet another points out that "Humor is feeling&mdash;feelings can
+always bear repetition, while wit, being intellectual, suffers by
+repetition." The truth of this is evident when we remember that we
+repeat a witty saying that we may enjoy the effect on others, while
+we retell a humorous story largely for our own enjoyment of it.</p>
+<p>Yet it is quite possible that humor ought not to be defined. It
+may be one of those intangible substances, like love and beauty,
+that are indefinable. It is quite probable that humor should not be
+explained. It would be distressing, as some one pointed out, to
+discover that American humor is based on American dyspepsia. Yet
+the philosophers themselves have endeavored to explain it. Hazlitt
+held that to understand the ludicrous, we must first know what the
+serious is. And to apprehend the serious, what better course could
+be followed than to contemplate the serious&mdash;yes and
+ludicrous&mdash;findings of the philosophers in their attempts to
+define humor and to explain laughter. Consider Hobbes: "The passion
+of laughter is nothing else but sudden glory arising from the
+sudden conception of eminency in ourselves by comparison with the
+inferiority of others, or with our own formerly." According to
+Professor Bain, "Laughter results from the degradation of some
+person or interest possessing dignity in circumstances that excite
+no other strong emotion." Even Kant, desisting for a time from his
+contemplation of Pure Reason, gave his attention to the human
+phenomenon of laughter and explained it away as "the result of an
+expectation which of a sudden ends in nothing." Some modern cynic
+has compiled a list of the situations on the stage which are always
+"humorous." One of them, I recall, is the situation in which the
+clown-acrobat, having made mighty preparations for jumping over a
+pile of chairs, suddenly changes his mind and walks off without
+attempting it. The laughter that invariably greets this "funny"
+maneuver would seem to have philosophical sanction. Bergson, too,
+the philosopher of creative evolution, has considered laughter to
+the extent of an entire volume. A reading of it leaves one a little
+disturbed. Laughter, so we learn, is not the merry-hearted, jovial
+companion we had thought him. Laughter is a stern mentor,
+characterized by "an absence of feeling." "Laughter," says M.
+Bergson, "is above all a corrective, it must make a painful
+impression on the person against whom it is directed. By laughter
+society avenges itself for the liberties taken with it. It would
+fail in its object if it bore the stamp of sympathy or kindness."
+If this be laughter, grant us occasionally the saving grace of
+tears, which may be tears of sympathy, and, therefore, kind!</p>
+<p>But, after all, since it is true that "one touch of humor makes
+the whole world grin," what difference does it make what that humor
+is; what difference why or wherefore we laugh, since somehow or
+other, in a sorry world, we do laugh?</p>
+<p>Of the test for a sense of humor, it has already been said that
+it is the ability to see a joke. And, as for a joke, the
+dictionary, again a present help in time of trouble, tells us at
+once that it is, "something said or done for the purpose of
+exciting a laugh." But stay! Suppose it does not excite the laugh
+expected? What of the joke that misses fire? Shall a joke be judged
+by its intent or by its consequences? Is a joke that does not
+produce a laugh a joke at all? Pragmatically considered it is not.
+Agnes Repplier, writing on Humor, speaks of "those beloved writers
+whom we hold to be humorists because they have made us laugh." We
+hold them to be so&mdash;but there seems to be a suggestion that we
+may be wrong. Is it possible that the laugh is not the test of the
+joke? Here is a question over which the philosophers may wrangle.
+Is there an Absolute in the realm of humor, or must our jokes be
+judged solely by the pragmatic test? Congreve once told Colly
+Gibber that there were many witty speeches in one of Colly's plays,
+and many that looked witty, yet were not really what they seemed at
+first sight! So a joke is not to be recognized even by its
+appearance or by the company it keeps. Perhaps there might be
+established a test of good usage. A joke would be that at which the
+best people laugh.</p>
+<p>Somebody&mdash;was it Mark Twain?&mdash;once said that there are
+eleven original jokes in the world&mdash;that these were known in
+prehistoric times, and that all jokes since have been but
+modifications and adaptations from the originals. Miss Repplier,
+however, gives to modern times the credit for some inventiveness.
+Christianity, she says, must be thanked for such contributions as
+the missionary and cannibal joke, and for the interminable
+variations of St. Peter at the gate. Max Beerbohm once codified all
+the English comic papers and found that the following list
+comprised all the subjects discussed: Mothers-in-law; Hen-pecked
+husbands; Twins; Old maids; Jews; Frenchmen and Germans; Italians
+and Niggers; Fatness; Thinness; Long hair (in men); Baldness; Sea
+sickness; Stuttering; Bloomers; Bad cheese; Red noses. A like
+examination of American newspapers would perhaps result in a
+slightly different list. We have, of course, our purely local
+jokes. Boston will always be a joke to Chicago, the east to the
+west. The city girl in the country offers a perennial source of
+amusement, as does the country man in the city. And the foreigner
+we have always with us, to mix his Y's and J's, distort his H's,
+and play havoc with the Anglo-Saxon Th. Indeed our great American
+sense of humor has been explained as an outgrowth from the vast
+field of incongruities offered by a developing civilization.</p>
+<p>It may be that this vaunted national sense has been
+over-estimated&mdash;exaggeration is a characteristic of that
+humor, anyway&mdash;but at least it has one of the Christian
+virtues&mdash;it suffereth long and is kind. Miss Repplier says
+that it is because we are a "humorous rather than a witty people
+that we laugh for the most part with, and not at our fellow
+creatures." This, I think, is something that our fellow creatures
+from other lands do not always comprehend. I listened once to a
+distinguished Frenchman as he addressed the students in a western
+university chapel. He was evidently astounded and embarrassed by
+the outbursts of laughter that greeted his mildly humorous remarks.
+He even stopped to apologize for the deficiencies of his English,
+deeming them the cause, and was further mystified by the little
+ripple of laughter that met his explanation&mdash;a ripple that
+came from the hearts of the good-natured students, who meant only
+to be appreciative and kind. Foreigners, too, unacquainted with
+American slang often find themselves precipitating a laugh for
+which they are unprepared. For a bit of current slang, however and
+whenever used, is always humorous.</p>
+<p>The American is not only a humorous person, he is a practical
+person. So it is only natural that the American humor should be put
+to practical uses. It was once said that the difference between a
+man with tact and a man without was that the man with tact, in
+trying to put a bit in a horse's mouth, would first tell him a
+funny story, while the man without tact would get an axe. This use
+of the funny story is the American way of adapting it to practical
+ends. A collection of funny stories used to be an important part of
+a drummer's stock in trade. It is by means of the "good story" that
+the politician makes his way into office; the business man paves
+the way for a big deal; the after-dinner speaker gets a hearing;
+the hostess saves her guests from boredom. Such a large place does
+the "story" hold in our national life that we have invented a
+social pastime that might be termed a "joke match." "Don't tell a
+funny story, even if you know one," was the advice of the Atchison
+Globe man, "its narration will only remind your hearers of a bad
+one." True as this may be, we still persist in telling our funny
+story. Our hearers are reminded of another, good or bad, which
+again reminds us&mdash;and so on.</p>
+<p>A sense of humor, as was intimated before, is the chiefest of
+the virtues. It is more than this&mdash;it is one of the essentials
+to success. For, as has also been pointed out, we, being a
+practical people, put our humor to practical uses. It is held up as
+one of the prerequisites for entrance to any profession. "A
+lawyer," says a member of that order, must have such and such
+mental and moral qualities; "but before all else"&mdash;and this
+impressively&mdash;"he must possess a sense of humor." Samuel
+McChord Crothers says that were he on the examining board for the
+granting of certificates to prospective teachers, he would place a
+copy of Lamb's essay on Schoolmasters in the hands of each, and if
+the light of humorous appreciation failed to dawn as the reading
+progressed, the certificate would be withheld. For, before all
+else, a teacher must possess a sense of humor! If it be true, then,
+that the sense of humor is so important in determining the choice
+of a profession, how wise are those writers who hold it an
+essential for entrance into that most exacting of
+professions&mdash;matrimony! "Incompatibility in humor," George
+Eliot held to be the "most serious cause of diversion." And
+Stevenson, always wise, insists that husband and wife must he able
+to laugh over the same jokes&mdash;have between them many a "grouse
+in the gun-room" story. But there must always be exceptions if the
+spice of life is to be preserved, and I recall one couple of my
+acquaintance, devoted and loyal in spite of this very
+incompatibility. A man with a highly whimsical sense of humor had
+married a woman with none. Yet he told his best stories with an eye
+to their effect on her, and when her response came, peaceful and
+placid and non-comprehending, he would look about the table with
+delight, as much as to say, "Isn't she a wonder? Do you know her
+equal?"</p>
+<p>Humor may be the greatest of the virtues, yet it is the one of
+whose possession we may boast with impunity. "Well, that was too
+much for my sense of humor," we say. Or, "You know my sense of
+humor was always my strong point." Imagine thus boasting of one's
+integrity, or sense of honor! And so is its lack the one vice of
+which one may not permit himself to be a trifle proud. "I admit
+that I have a hot temper," and "I know I'm extravagant," are simple
+enough admissions. But did any one ever openly make the confession,
+"I know I am lacking in a sense of humor!" However, to recognize
+the lack one would first have to possess the sense&mdash;which is
+manifestly impossible.</p>
+<p>"To explain the nature of laughter and tears is to account for
+the condition of human life," says Hazlitt, and no philosophy has
+as yet succeeded in accounting for the condition of human life.
+"Man is a laughing animal," wrote Meredith, "and at the end of
+infinite search the philosopher finds himself clinging to laughter
+as the best of human fruit, purely human, and sane, and
+comforting." So whether it be the corrective laughter of Bergson,
+Jove laughing at lovers' vows, Love laughing at locksmiths, or the
+cheerful laughter of the fool that was like the crackling of thorns
+to Koheleth, the preacher, we recognize that it is good; that
+without this saving grace of humor life would be an empty vaunt. I
+like to recall that ancient usage: "The skie hangs full of humour,
+and I think we shall haue raine." Blessed humor, no less refreshing
+today than was the humour of old to a parched and thirsty
+earth.</p>
+<a name="H003" id="H003"><!-- H2 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h2>TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS</h2>
+<p>Before making any specific suggestions to the prospective
+toaster or toastmaster, let us advise that he consider well the
+nature and spirit of the occasion which calls for speeches. The
+toast, after-dinner talk, or address is always given under
+conditions that require abounding good humor, and the desire to
+make everybody pleased and comfortable as well as to furnish
+entertainment should be uppermost.</p>
+<p>Perhaps a consideration of the ancient custom that gave rise to
+the modern toast will help us to understand the spirit in which a
+toast should be given. It originated with the pagan custom of
+drinking to gods and the dead, which in Christian nations was
+modified, with the accompanying idea of a wish for health and
+happiness added. In England during the sixteenth century it was
+customary to put a "toast" in the drink, which was usually served
+hot. This toast was the ordinary piece of bread scorched on both
+sides. Shakespeare in "The Merry Wives of Windsor" has Falstaff
+say, "Fetch me a quart of sack and put a toast in't." Later the
+term came to be applied to the lady in whose honor the company
+drank, her name serving to flavor the bumper as the toast flavored
+the drink. It was in this way that the act of drinking or of
+proposing a health, or the mere act of expressing good wishes or
+fellowship at table came to be known as toasting.</p>
+<p>Since an occasion, then, at which toasts are in order is one
+intended to promote good feeling, it should afford no opportunity
+for the exploitation of any personal or selfish interest or for
+anything controversial, or antagonistic to any of the company
+present. The effort of the toastmaster should be to promote the
+best of feeling among all and especially between speakers. And
+speakers should cooperate with the toastmaster and with each other
+to that end. The introductions of the toastmaster may, of course,
+contain some good-natured bantering, together with compliment, but
+always without sting. Those taking part may "get back" at the
+toastmaster, but always in a manner to leave no hard feeling
+anywhere. The toastmaster should strive to make his speakers feel
+at ease, to give them good standing with their hearers without
+overpraising them and making it hard to live up to what is expected
+of them. In short, let everybody boost good naturedly for everybody
+else.</p>
+<p>The toastmaster, and for that matter everyone taking part,
+should be carefully prepared. It may be safely said that those who
+are successful after-dinner speakers have learned the need of
+careful forethought. A practised speaker may appear to speak
+extemporaneously by putting together on one occasion thoughts and
+expressions previously prepared for other occasions, but the
+neophyte may well consider it necessary to think out carefully the
+matter of what to say and how to say it. Cicero said of Antonius,
+"All his speeches were, <i>in appearance</i>, the unpremeditated
+effusion of an honest heart; and yet, in reality, they were
+<i>preconceived with so much skill</i> that the judges were not so
+well prepared as they should have been to withstand the force of
+them!"</p>
+<p>After considering the nature of the occasion and getting himself
+in harmony with it, the speaker should next consider the relation
+of his particular subject to the occasion and to the subjects of
+the other speakers. He should be careful to hold closely to the
+subject allotted to him so that he will not encroach upon the
+ground of other speakers. He should be careful, too, not to
+appropriate to himself any of their time. And he should consider,
+without vanity and without humility, his own relative importance
+and govern himself accordingly. We have all had the painful
+experience of waiting in impatience for the speech of the evening
+to begin while some humble citizen made "a few introductory
+remarks."</p>
+<p>In planning his speech and in getting it into finished form, the
+toaster will do well to remember those three essentials to all good
+composition with which he struggled in school and college days,
+Unity, Mass and Coherence. The first means that his talk must have
+a central thought, on which all his stories, anecdotes and jokes
+will have a bearing; the second that there will be a proper balance
+between the parts, that it will not be all introduction and
+conclusion; the third, that it will hang together, without awkward
+transitions. A toast may consist, as Lowell said, of "a platitude,
+a quotation and an anecdote," but the toaster must exercise his
+ingenuity in putting these together.</p>
+<p>In delivering the toast, the speaker must of course be natural.
+The after-dinner speech calls for a conversational tone, not for
+oratory of voice or manner. Something of an air of detachment on
+the part of the speaker is advisable. The humorist who can tell a
+story with a straight face adds to the humorous effect.</p>
+<p>A word might be said to those who plan the program. In the
+number of speakers it is better to err in having too few than too
+many. Especially is this true if there is one distinguished person
+who is <i>the</i> speaker of the occasion. In such a case the number
+of lesser lights may well be limited to two or three. The placing of
+the guest of honor on the program is a matter of importance.
+Logically he would be expected to come last, as the crowning
+feature. But if the occasion is a large semi-public affair&mdash;a
+political gathering, for example&mdash;where strict etiquet does
+not require that all remain thru the entire program, there will
+always be those who will leave early, thus missing the best part of
+the entertainment. In this case some shifting of speakers, even at
+the risk of an anti-climax, would be advisable. On ordinary
+occasions, where the speakers are of much the same rank, order will
+be determined mainly by subject. And if the topics for discussion
+are directly related, if they are all component parts of a general
+subject, so much the better.</p>
+<p>Now we are going to add a special paragraph for the absolutely
+inexperienced person&mdash;who has never given, or heard anyone
+else give, a toast. It would seem hardly possible in this day of
+banquets to find an individual who has missed these occasions
+entirely&mdash;but he is to be found. Especially is this true in a
+world where toasting and after-dinner speaking are coming to be
+more and more in demand at social functions&mdash;the college
+world. Here the young man or woman, coming from a country town
+where the formal banquet is unknown, who has never heard an
+after-dinner speech, may be confronted with the necessity of
+responding to a toast on, say "Needles and Pins." Such a one would
+like to be told first of all what an after-dinner speech is. It is
+only a short, informal talk, usually witty, at any rate kindly,
+with one central idea and a certain amount of illustrative material
+in the way of anecdotes, quotations and stories. The best advice to
+such a speaker is: Make your first effort simple. Don't be over
+ambitious. If, as was suggested in the example cited a moment ago,
+the subject is fanciful&mdash;as it is very apt to be at a college
+banquet&mdash;any interpretation you choose to put upon it is
+allowable. If the interpretation is ingenious, your case is already
+half won. Such a subject is in effect a challenge. "Now, let's see
+what you can make of this," is what it implies. First get an idea;
+then find something in the way of illustrative material. Speak
+simply and naturally and sit down and watch how the others do it.
+Of course the subject on such occasions is often of a more serious
+nature&mdash;Our Class; The Team; Our President&mdash;in which case
+a more serious treatment is called for, with a touch of honest
+pride and sentiment.</p>
+<p>To sum up what has been said, with borrowings from what others
+have said on the subject, the following general rules have been
+formulated:</p>
+<p><i>Prepare carefully</i>. Self-confidence is a valuable
+possession, but beware of being too sure of yourself. Pride goes
+before a fall, and overconfidence in his ability to improvise has
+been the downfall of many a would-be speaker. The speaker should
+strive to give the effect of spontaneity, but this can be done only
+with practice. The toast calls for the art that conceals art.</p>
+<p><i>Let your speech have unity</i>. As some one has pointed out,
+the after-dinner speech is a distinct form of expression, just as
+is the short story. As such it should give a unity of impression.
+It bears something of the same relation to the oration that the
+short story does to the novel.</p>
+<p><i>Let it have continuity</i>. James Bryce says: "There is a
+tendency today to make after-dinner speaking a mere string of
+anecdotes, most of which may have little to do with the subject or
+with one another. Even the best stories lose their charm when they
+are dragged in by the head and shoulders, having no connection with
+the allotted theme. Relevance as well as brevity is the soul of
+wit."</p>
+<p><i>Do not grow emotional or sentimental</i>. American traditions
+are largely borrowed from England. We have the Anglo-Saxon
+reticence. A parade of emotion in public embarrasses us. A simple
+and sincere expression of feeling is often desirable in a
+toast&mdash;but don't overdo it.</p>
+<p><i>Avoid trite sayings</i>. Don't use quotations that are
+shopworn, and avoid the set forms for toasts&mdash;"Our sweethearts
+and wives&mdash;may they never meet," etc.</p>
+<p><i>Don't apologise</i>. Don't say that you are not prepared;
+that you speak on very short notice; that you are "no orator as
+Brutus is." Resolve to do your best and let your effort speak for
+itself.</p>
+<p><i>Avoid irony and satire</i>. It has already been said that
+occasions on which toasts are given call for friendliness and good
+humor. Yet the temptation to use irony and satire may be strong.
+Especially may this be true at political gatherings where there is
+a chance to grow witty at the expense of rivals. Irony and satire
+are keen-edged tools; they have their uses; but they are dangerous.
+Pope, who knew how to use them, said:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet</p>
+<p class="i2">To run amuck and tilt at all I meet.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p><i>Use personal references sparingly</i>. A certain amount of
+good-natured chaffing may be indulged in. Yet there may be danger
+in even the most kindly of fun. One never knows how a jest will be
+taken. Once in the early part of his career, Mark Twain, at a New
+England banquet, grew funny at the expense of Longfellow and
+Emerson, then in their old age and looked upon almost as
+divinities. His joke fell dead, and to the end of his life he
+suffered humiliation at the recollection.</p>
+<p><i>Be clear</i>. While you must not draw an obvious moral or
+explain the point to your jokes, be sure that the point is there
+and that it is put in such a way that your hearers cannot miss it.
+Avoid flights of rhetoric and do not lose your anecdotes in a sea
+of words.</p>
+<p><i>Avoid didacticism</i>. Do not try to instruct. Do not give
+statistics and figures. They will not be remembered. A historical
+resume of your subject from the beginning of time is not called
+for; neither are well-known facts about the greatness of your city
+or state or the prominent person in whose honor you may be
+speaking. Do not tell your hearers things they already know.</p>
+<p><i>Be brief</i>. An after-dinner audience is in a particularly
+defenceless position. It is so out in the open. There is no
+opportunity for a quiet nod or two behind a newspaper or the hat of
+the lady in front. If you bore your hearers by overstepping your
+time politeness requires that they sit still and look pleased.
+Spare them. Remember Bacon's advice to the speaker: "Let him be
+sure to leave other men their turns to speak." But suppose you come
+late on the program! Suppose the other speakers have not heeded
+Bacon? What are you going to do about it? Here is a story that
+James Bryce tells of the most successful after-dinner speech he
+remembers to have heard. The speaker was a famous engineer, the
+occasion a dinner of the British Association for the Advancement of
+Science. "He came last; and midnight had arrived. His toast was
+Applied Science, and his speech was as follows: 'Ladies and
+gentlemen, at this late hour I advise you to illustrate the
+Applications of Science by applying a lucifer match to the wick of
+your bedroom candle. Let us all go to bed'."</p>
+<p>If you are capable of making a similar sacrifice by cutting
+short your own carefully-prepared, wise, witty and sparkling
+remarks, your audience will thank you&mdash;and they may ask you to
+speak again.</p>
+<a name="H004" id="H004"><!-- H2 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h2>TOASTER'S HANDBOOK</h2>
+<a name="H005" id="H005"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ABILITY</h3>
+<p>"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't."</p>
+<p>"Well, what is it?" demanded his pa.</p>
+<p>"Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.&mdash;<i>H.E.
+Zimmerman</i>.</p>
+<a name="H006" id="H006"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ABOLITION</h3>
+<p>He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he
+sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and
+began a conversation.</p>
+<p>"Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are
+going to pick their cotton this season?" he inquired.</p>
+<p>"Don't believe I have," answered the other.</p>
+<p>"Well, they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do the
+picking," rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn readily. They are
+thorough workers, and obviously they will save their employers a
+small fortune otherwise expended in wages."</p>
+<p>"Yes," ejaculated the native, "and about the time this monkey
+brigade is beginning to work smoothly, a lot of you fool
+northerners will come tearing down here and set 'em free."</p>
+<a name="H007" id="H007"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ABSENT-MINDEDNESS</h3>
+<p>SHE&mdash;"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest
+creatures living."</p>
+<p>HE&mdash;(<i>absent-mindedly</i>)&mdash;"Yes, my lamb."</p>
+<a name="H008" id="H008"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ACCIDENTS</h3>
+<p>The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in
+Cambridge, was walking along a street one winter morning. The
+sidewalk was sheeted with ice and the doctor was making his way
+carefully, as was also a woman going in the opposite direction. In
+seeking to avoid each other, both slipped and they came down in a
+heap. The polite doctor was overwhelmed and his embarrassment
+paralyzed his speech, but the woman was equal to the occasion.</p>
+<p>"Doctor, if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out your
+legs, I will take what remains," she said cheerfully.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Help! Help!" cried an Italian laborer near the mud flats of the
+Harlem river.</p>
+<p>"What's the matter there?" came a voice from the construction
+shanty.</p>
+<p>"Queek! Bringa da shov'! Bringa da peek! Giovanni's stuck in da
+mud."</p>
+<p>"How far in?"</p>
+<p>"Up to hees knees."</p>
+<p>"Oh, let him walk out."</p>
+<p>"No, no! He no canna walk! He wronga end up!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There once was a lady from Guam,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who said, "Now the sea is so calm</p>
+<p class="i4">I will swim, for a lark";</p>
+<p class="i4">But she met with a shark.</p>
+<p class="i2">Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>BRICKLAYER (to mate, who had just had a hodful of bricks fall on
+his feet)&mdash;"Dropt 'em on yer toe! That's nothin'. Why, I seen
+a bloke get killed stone dead, an' 'e never made such a bloomin'
+fuss as you're doin'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A preacher had ordered a load of hay from one of his
+parishioners. About noon, the parishioner's little son came to the
+house crying lustily. On being asked what the matter was, he said
+that the load of hay had tipped over in the street. The preacher, a
+kindly man, assured the little fellow that it was nothing serious,
+and asked him in to dinner.</p>
+<p>"Pa wouldn't like it," said the boy.</p>
+<p>But the preacher assured him that he would fix it all right with
+his father, and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay.
+After dinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had
+stayed.</p>
+<p>"Pa won't like it," he persisted.</p>
+<p>The preacher, unable to understand, asked the boy what made him
+think his father would object.</p>
+<p>"Why, you see, pa's under the hay," explained the boy.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was an old Miss from Antrim,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who looked for the leak with a glim.</p>
+<p class="i4">Alack and alas!</p>
+<p class="i4">The cause was the gas.</p>
+<p class="i2">We will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young lady named Hannah,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who slipped on a peel of banana.</p>
+<p class="i4">More stars she espied</p>
+<p class="i4">As she lay on her side</p>
+<p class="i2">Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A gentleman sprang to assist her;</p>
+<p class="i2">He picked up her glove and her wrister;</p>
+<p class="i4">"Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried;</p>
+<p class="i4">"Did you think," she replied,</p>
+<p class="i2">"I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">At first laying down, as a fact fundamental,</p>
+<p class="i2">That nothing with God can be accidental.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Longfellow</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H009" id="H009"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ACTING</h3>
+<p>Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern
+friend of his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization
+of <i>Colonel Carter</i>. On one occasion the actor was appearing
+in his native town, and remembered an old negro and his wife, who
+had been body servants in his father's household, with a couple of
+seats in the theatre. As it happened, he was playing the part of
+the villain, and was largely concerned with treasons, stratagems
+and spoils. From time to time he caught a glimpse of the ancient
+couple in the gallery, and judged from their fearsome countenance
+and popping eyes that they were being duly impressed.</p>
+<p>After the play he asked them to come and see him behind the
+scenes. They sat together for a while in solemn silence, and then
+the mammy resolutely nudged her husband. The old man gathered
+himself together with an effort, and said: "Marse Cha'les, mebbe it
+ain' for us po' niggers to teach ouh young masser 'portment. But we
+jes' got to tell yo' dat, in all de time we b'long to de fambly,
+none o' ouh folks ain' neveh befo' mix up in sechlike dealin's, an'
+we hope, Marse Cha'les, dat yo' see de erroh of yo' ways befo' yo'
+done sho' nuff disgrace us."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In a North of England town recently a company of local amateurs
+produced Hamlet, and the following account of the proceedings
+appeared in the local paper next morning:</p>
+<p>"Last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gathered
+to witness a performance of <i>Hamlet</i> at the Town Hall. There
+has been considerable discussion in the press as to whether the
+play was written by Shakespeare or Bacon. All doubt can be now set
+at rest. Let their graves be opened; the one who turned over last
+night is the author."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this
+special observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of
+nature.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">To wake the soul by tender strokes of art,</p>
+<p class="i2">To raise the genius, and to mend the heart;</p>
+<p class="i2">To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold,</p>
+<p class="i2">Live o'er each scene, and be what they
+behold&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">For this the tragic muse first trod the stage.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Pope</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H010" id="H010"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ACTORS AND ACTRESSES</h3>
+<p>An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small
+New England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand
+waddled to the middle of the street and began to hiss.</p>
+<p>One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and
+angrily exclaimed:</p>
+<p>"Don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions. Wait till you
+see the show."&mdash;<i>K.A. Bisbee</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When William H. Crane was younger and less discreet he had a
+vaunting ambition to play <i>Hamlet</i>. So with his first profits
+he organized his own company and he went to an inland western town
+to give vent to his ambition and "try it on."</p>
+<p>When he came back to New York a group of friends noticed that
+the actor appeared to be much downcast.</p>
+<p>"What's the matter, Crane? Didn't they appreciate it?" asked one
+of his friends.</p>
+<p>"They didn't seem to," laconically answered the actor.</p>
+<p>"Well, didn't they give any encouragement? Didn't they ask you
+to come before the curtain?" persisted the friend.</p>
+<p>"Ask me?" answered Crane. "Man, they dared me!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>LEADING MAN IN TRAVELING COMPANY&mdash;"We play <i>Hamlet</i>
+to-night, laddie, do we not?"</p>
+<p>SUB-MANAGER&mdash;"Yes, Mr. Montgomery."</p>
+<p>LEADING MAN&mdash;"Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence!"</p>
+<p>SUB-MANAGER&mdash;"Why?"</p>
+<p>LEADING MAN&mdash;"I have four days' growth upon my chin. One
+cannot play <i>Hamlet</i> in a beard!"</p>
+<p>SUB-MANAGER&mdash;"Um&mdash;well&mdash;we'll put on
+Macbeth!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>HE&mdash;"But what reason have you for refusing to marry
+me?"</p>
+<p>SHE&mdash;"Papa objects. He says you are an actor."</p>
+<p>HE-"Give my regards to the old boy and tell him I'm sorry he
+isn't a newspaper critic."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the
+villain, had died to slow music.</p>
+<p>The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.</p>
+<p>He refused to appear.</p>
+<p>But the audience still insisted.</p>
+<p>Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the
+front.</p>
+<p>"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly,
+but he says he's dead, an' he's goin to stay dead."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske, the actress, was having her hair
+dressed by a young woman at her home. The actress was very tired
+and quiet, but a chance remark from the dresser made her open her
+eyes and sit up.</p>
+<p>"I should have went on the stage," said the young woman
+complacently.</p>
+<p>"But," returned Mrs. Fiske, "look at me&mdash;think how I have
+had to work and study to gain what success I have, and win such
+fame as is now mine!"</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes," replied the young woman calmly; "but then I have
+talent."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Orlando Day, a fourth-rate actor in London, was once called, in
+a sudden emergency, to supply the place of Allen Ainsworth at the
+Criterion Theatre for a single night.</p>
+<p>The call filled him with joy. Here was a chance to show the
+public how great a histrionic genius had remained unknown for lack
+of an opportunity. But his joy was suddenly dampened by the
+dreadful thought that, as the play was already in the midst of its
+run, none of the dramatic critics might be there to watch his
+triumph.</p>
+<p>A bright thought struck him. He would announce the event.
+Rushing to a telegraph office, he sent to one of the leading
+critics the following telegram: "Orlando Day presents Allen
+Ainsworth's part to-night at the Criterion."</p>
+<p>Then it occurred to him, "Why not tell them all?" So he repeated
+the message to a dozen or more important persons.</p>
+<p>At a late hour of the same day, in the Garrick Club, a lounging
+gentleman produced one of the telegrams, and read it to a group of
+friends. A chorus of exclamations followed the reading: "Why, I got
+precisely the same message!" "And so did I." "And I, too." "Who is
+Orlando Day?" "What beastly cheek!" "Did the ass fancy that one
+would pay any attention to his wire?"</p>
+<p>J. M. Barrie, the famous author and playwright, who was present,
+was the only one who said nothing.</p>
+<p>"Didn't he wire you too?" asked one of the group.</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes."</p>
+<p>"But of course you didn't answer."</p>
+<p>"Oh, but it was only polite to send an answer after he had taken
+the trouble to wire me. So, of course, I answered him."</p>
+<p>"You did! What did you say?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, I just telegraphed him: 'Thanks for timely warning.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Twinkle, twinkle, lovely star!</p>
+<p class="i2">How I wonder if you are</p>
+<p class="i2">When at home the tender age</p>
+<p class="i2">You appear when on the stage.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Mary A. Fairchild</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Recipe for an actor:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">To one slice of ham add assortment of roles.</p>
+<p class="i4">Steep the head in mash notes till it swells,</p>
+<p class="i2">Garnish with onions, tomatoes and beets,</p>
+<p class="i4">Or with eggs&mdash;from afar&mdash;in the shells.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Recipe for an ingenue:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A pound and three-quarters of kitten,</p>
+<p class="i4">Three ounces of flounces and sighs;</p>
+<p class="i2">Add wiggles and giggles and gurgles,</p>
+<p class="i4">And ringlets and dimples and eyes.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H0101" id="H0101"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ADAPTATION</h3>
+<p>"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims
+that a hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen
+eggs, seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur.</p>
+<p>"He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof of
+nature's adaptation of all animals to their environment, the
+seventeen eggs having been of the cold-storage variety."</p>
+<a name="H011" id="H011"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ADDRESSES</h3>
+<p>In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh,
+mother, that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say,
+'Send it up C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic
+Harrison's <i>George Washington and other American Addresses</i>.
+In a little while he brought back the book to the librarian and
+said:</p>
+<p>"This book does not give me what I require; I want to find out
+the addresses of several American magnates; I know where George
+Washington has gone to, for he never told a lie."</p>
+<a name="H012" id="H012"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ADVERTISING</h3>
+<p>Not long ago a patron of a caf&eacute; in Chicago summoned his waiter
+and delivered himself as follows:</p>
+<p>"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef.
+See its size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than
+twice the size of this."</p>
+<p>"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.</p>
+<p>"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the
+window."</p>
+<p>"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple.
+We always serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good
+advertisement for the place."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Advertising costs me a lot of money."</p>
+<p>"Why I never saw your goods advertised."</p>
+<p>"They aren't. But my wife reads other people's ads."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When Mark Twain, in his early days, was editor of a Missouri
+paper, a superstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had
+found a spider in his paper, and asking him whether that was a sign
+of good luck or bad. The humorist wrote him this answer and printed
+it:</p>
+<p>"Old subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good
+luck nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our
+paper to see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go
+to that store, spin his web across the door and lead a life of
+undisturbed peace ever afterward."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Good Heavens, man! I saw your obituary in this morning's
+paper!"</p>
+<p>"Yes, I know. I put it in myself. My opera is to be produced
+to-night, and I want good notices from the critics."&mdash;<i>C.
+Hilton Turvey</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day
+and decided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling
+along he heard a piano, and, following the sound, came to a house
+on which was a sign reading:</p>
+<p>"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour."</p>
+<p>Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of
+Chopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well.</p>
+<p>Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came
+to the door and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him
+in and he sat down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can,
+afterward spending an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones
+thanked him and he departed.</p>
+<p>Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took
+the same walk.</p>
+<p>He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the
+sign, he read:</p>
+<p>"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $1.00 an hour. (Pupil of
+Paderewski.)"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New
+York, Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be
+passing Daly's Theatre, and paused to look at the pictures of
+Hitchcock and his company that adorned the entrance. Near the
+pictures was a billboard covered with laudatory extracts from
+newspaper criticisms of the show.</p>
+<p>When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned
+to an unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the
+corner of his eye.</p>
+<p>"Say, have you seen this show?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"Sure," replied the young man.</p>
+<p>"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?"</p>
+<p>"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why, say, he's
+the best in the business. He's got all these other would-be
+side-ticklers lashed to the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so
+much at any one in all my life."</p>
+<p>"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully.</p>
+<p>"As good as Foy!" The young man's scorn was superb. "Why, this
+Hitchcock has got that Foy person looking like a gloom. They're not
+in the same class. Hitchcock's funny. A man with feelings can't
+compare them. I'm sorry you asked me, I feel so strongly about
+it."</p>
+<p>Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in the hollow tones
+of a tragedian, he said:</p>
+<p>"I am Foy."</p>
+<p>"I know you are," said the young man cheerfully. "I'm
+Hitchcock!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. First of all, as
+they are instruments of ambition. A man that is by no means big
+enough for the Gazette, may easily creep into the advertisements;
+by which means we often see an apothecary in the same paper of news
+with a plenipotentiary, or a running footman with an
+ambassador.&mdash;<i>Addison</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Salesmen and Salesmanship.</p>
+<a name="H0121" id="H0121"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ADVICE</h3>
+<p>Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the
+trials of a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness
+in spending money provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the
+Queen reminding her of his approaching birthday and delicately
+suggesting that money would be the most acceptable gift. In her own
+hand she answered, sternly reproving the youth for the sin of
+extravagance and urging upon him the practise of economy. His reply
+staggered her:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Dear Grandma," it ran, "thank you for your kind letter of
+advice. I have sold the same for five pounds."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Many receive advice, only the wise profit by
+it.&mdash;<i>Publius Syrus</i>.</p>
+<a name="H013" id="H013"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AERONAUTICS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A flea and a fly in a flue,</p>
+<p class="i2">Were imprisoned; now what could they do?</p>
+<p class="i4">Said the fly, "let us flee."</p>
+<p class="i4">"Let us fly," said the flea,</p>
+<p class="i2">And they flew through a flaw in the flue.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to be
+aeroneous.&mdash;<i>La Touche Hancock</i>.</p>
+<a name="H014" id="H014"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AEROPLANES</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Mother, may I go aeroplane?"</p>
+<p class="i4">"Yes, my darling Mary.</p>
+<p class="i2">Tie yourself to an anchor chain</p>
+<p class="i4">And don't go near the airy."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a
+dinner in New York, and on the occasion his eloquent reply to a
+toast on aviation terminated neatly with these words:</p>
+<p>"The aeroplane has come at last, but it was a long time coming.
+We can imagine Necessity, the mother of invention, looking up at a
+sky all criss-crossed with flying machines, and then saying, with a
+shake of her old head and with a contented smile:</p>
+<p>"'Of all my family, the aeroplane has been the hardest to
+raise.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A genius who once did aspire</p>
+<p class="i2">To invent an aerial flyer,</p>
+<p class="i4">When asked, "Does it go?"</p>
+<p class="i4">Replied, "I don't know;</p>
+<p class="i2">I'm awaiting some damphule to try 'er."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H015" id="H015"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AFTER DINNER SPEECHES</h3>
+<p>A Frenchman once remarked:</p>
+<p>"The table is the only place where one is not bored for the
+first hour."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Every rose has its thorn</p>
+<p class="i4">There's fuzz on all the peaches.</p>
+<p class="i2">There never was a dinner yet</p>
+<p class="i4">Without some lengthy speeches.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an
+important city. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being
+served the Mayor leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying,
+"Shall we let the people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had
+we better have your speech now?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Friend," said one immigrant to another, "this is a grand
+country to settle in. They don't hang you here for murder."</p>
+<p>"What do they do to you?" the other immigrant asked.</p>
+<p>"They kill you," was the reply, "with elocution."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When Daniel got into the lions' den and looked around he thought
+to himself, "Whoever's got to do the after-dinner speaking, it
+won't be me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Joseph H. Choate and Chauncey Depew were invited to a dinner.
+Mr. Choate was to speak, and it fell to the lot of Mr. Depew to
+introduce him, which he did thus: "Gentlemen, permit me to
+introduce Ambassador Choate, America's most inveterate after-dinner
+speaker. All you need to do to get a speech out of Mr. Choate is to
+open his mouth, drop in a dinner and up comes your speech."</p>
+<p>Mr. Choate thanked the Senator for his compliment, and then
+said: "Mr. Depew says if you open my mouth and drop in a dinner up
+will come a speech, but I warn you that if you open your mouths and
+drop in one of Senator Depew's speeches up will come your
+dinners."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. John C. Hackett recently told the following story:</p>
+<p>"I was up in Rockland County last summer, and there was a
+banquet given at a country hotel. All the farmers were there and
+all the village characters. I was asked to make a speech.</p>
+<p>"'Now,' said I, with the usual apologetic manner, 'it is not
+fair to you that the toastmaster should ask me to speak. I am
+notorious as the worst public speaker in the State of New York. My
+reputation extends from one end of the state to the other. I have
+no rival whatever, when it comes&mdash;' I was interrupted by a
+lanky, ill-clad individual, who had stuck too close to the beer
+pitcher.</p>
+<p>"'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I take 'ception to what this here man
+says. He ain't the worst public speaker in the state. I am. You all
+know it, an' I want it made a matter of record that I took
+'ception.'</p>
+<p>"'Well, my friend,' said I, 'suppose we leave it to the guests.
+You sit down while I say my piece, and then I'll sit down and let
+you give a demonstration.' The fellow agreed and I went on. I
+hadn't gone far when he got up again.</p>
+<p>"''S all right,' said he, 'you win; needn't go no farther!'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mark Twain and Chauncey M. Depew once went abroad on the same
+ship. When the ship was a few days out they were both invited to a
+dinner. Speech-making time came. Mark Twain had the first chance.
+He spoke twenty minutes and made a great hit. Then it was Mr.
+Depew's turn.</p>
+<p>"Mr. Toastmaster and Ladies and Gentlemen," said the famous
+raconteur as he arose, "Before this dinner Mark Twain and myself
+made an agreement to trade speeches. He has just delivered my
+speech, and I thank you for the pleasant manner in which you
+received it. I regret to say that I have lost the notes of his
+speech and cannot remember anything he was to say."</p>
+<p>Then he sat down. There was much laughter. Next day an
+Englishman who had been in the party came across Mark Twain in the
+smoking-room. "Mr Clemens," he said, "I consider you were much
+imposed upon last night. I have always heard that Mr. Depew is a
+clever man, but, really, that speech of his you made last night
+struck me as being the most infernal rot."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Orators; Politicians; Public Speakers.</p>
+<a name="H016" id="H016"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AGE</h3>
+<p>The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe
+old age.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller.</p>
+<p>"Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and
+when I'm on the cars I'm four."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How effusively sweet that Mrs. Blondey is to you, Jonesy," said
+Witherell. "What's up? Any tender little romance there?"</p>
+<p>"No, indeed&mdash;why, that woman hates me," said Jonesy.</p>
+<p>"She doesn't show it," said Witherell.</p>
+<p>"No; but she knows I know how old she is&mdash;we were both born
+on the same day," said Jonesy, "and she's afraid I'll tell
+somebody."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know
+how old they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater
+than belongs to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old
+chap named Joshua Bolton, who has been with that family and the
+previous generation for more years than they can remember. In view,
+therefore, of his advanced age, it was with surprise that his
+employer received one day an application for a few days off, in
+order that the old fellow might, as he put it, "go up to de ole
+State of Virginny" to see his aunt.</p>
+<p>"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.</p>
+<p>"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's
+'bout a hundred an' ten years ole."</p>
+<p>"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in
+Virginia?"</p>
+<p>"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's
+up dere livin' wif her grandmother."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating class of a
+large eastern college for women, he began his remarks with the
+usual salutation, "Young ladies of '97." Then in a horrified aside
+he added, "That's an awful age for a girl!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)&mdash;"When a man
+reaches your age, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things,
+expect to live very much longer, and I&mdash;"</p>
+<p>THE NONAGENARIAN&mdash;"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my
+legs than I were when I started!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A well-meaning Washington florist was the cause of much
+embarrassment to a young man who was in love with a rich and
+beautiful girl.</p>
+<p>It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that
+the next day would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked
+that he would the next morning send her some roses, one rose for
+each year.</p>
+<p>That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery
+of twenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the
+order, and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk:</p>
+<p>"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of
+my best customers, so I'll throw in ten more for good
+measure."&mdash;<i>Edwin Tarrisse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was
+riding in a suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the
+customary question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the
+correct age, which did not require a fare, the conductor passed on
+to the next person.</p>
+<p>The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and
+then, concluding that full information had not been given, called
+loudly to the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And
+mother's thirty-one!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors,
+and the no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir
+Mitchell, were together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr.
+Bigelow was then ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty.</p>
+<p>The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my
+many years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most
+abstemious. I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and
+have taken little exercise."</p>
+<p>"It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitchell. "I
+have eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have
+always used tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken
+a great deal of exercise."</p>
+<p>With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and
+said, "Well, you will never live to be an old man!"&mdash;<i>Sarah
+Bache Hodge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A wise man never puts away childish things.&mdash;<i>Sidney
+Dark</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">To the old, long life and treasure;</p>
+<p class="i2">To the young, all health and pleasure.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Ben Jonson</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a
+regret.&mdash;<i>Disraeli</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>We do not count a man's years, until he has nothing else to
+count.&mdash;<i>Emerson</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and
+hopeful than to be forty years old.&mdash;<i>O.W. Holmes</i>.</p>
+<a name="H017" id="H017"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AGENTS</h3>
+<p>"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken
+region?"</p>
+<p>"One of the best men in the business."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H018" id="H018"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AGRICULTURE</h3>
+<p>A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his
+money on the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man
+who makes his money in town and spends it on the farm.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the
+cultivators of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light
+rains that during the growing season fall from time to time, are
+appreciated to a degree that is unknown in the east.</p>
+<p>Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was
+rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his
+hired man came into the house.</p>
+<p>"Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the
+fruit-man.</p>
+<p>"I don't mind a little dew like this," said the man. "I can work
+along just the same."</p>
+<p>"Oh, I'm not talking about that," exclaimed the fruit-man. "The
+next time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water
+on the land."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">They used to have a farming rule</p>
+<p class="i2">Of forty acres and a mule.</p>
+<p class="i2">Results were won by later men</p>
+<p class="i2">With forty square feet and a hen.</p>
+<p class="i2">And nowadays success we see</p>
+<p class="i2">With forty inches and a bee.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Wasp</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of
+it.&mdash;<i>Charles Dudley Warner</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore,
+are the founders of human civilization.&mdash;<i>Daniel
+Webster</i>.</p>
+<a name="H019" id="H019"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ALARM CLOCKS</h3>
+<p>MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)&mdash;"I fooled yez
+that time. I was not aslape at all."</p>
+<a name="H020" id="H020"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ALERTNESS</h3>
+<p>"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one
+of his political opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence
+bridegroom I heard of the other day. You know how bridegrooms
+starting off on their honeymoons sometimes forget all about their
+brides, and buy tickets only for themselves? That is what happened
+to the Providence young man. And when his wife said to him, 'Why,
+Tom, you bought only one ticket,' he answered without a moment's
+hesitation, 'By Jove, you're right, dear! I'd forgotten myself
+entirely!'"</p>
+<a name="H021" id="H021"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ALIBI</h3>
+<p>A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a
+suburban excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with
+another vehicle. While a policeman was taking down the names of
+those concerned an "English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely
+asked one of the ladies how the accident had happened.</p>
+<p>"I'm sure I don't know," she replied; "I was asleep when it
+occurred."</p>
+<p>Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth
+replied:</p>
+<p>"Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby."</p>
+<a name="H022" id="H022"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ALIMONY</h3>
+<p>"What is alimony, ma?"</p>
+<p>"It is a man's cash surrender value."&mdash;<i>Town
+Topics</i></p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The proof of the wedding is in the alimony.</p>
+<a name="H023" id="H023"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ALLOWANCES</h3>
+<p>"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?"</p>
+<p>"I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it
+back."</p>
+<a name="H024" id="H024"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ALTERNATIVES</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Choices.</p>
+<a name="H025" id="H025"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ALTRUISM</h3>
+<p>WILLIE&mdash;"Pa!"</p>
+<p>PA&mdash;"Yes."</p>
+<p>WILLIE&mdash;"Teacher says we're here to help others."</p>
+<p>PA&mdash;"Of course we are."</p>
+<p>WILLIE&mdash;"Well, what are the others here for?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler.
+There was a trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a
+rich man's estate. Permits to fish the stream could now and then be
+obtained, and the boy was lucky enough to have a permit.</p>
+<p>One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper
+suddenly darted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit
+uttered a cry of fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed.
+The gamekeeper pursued.</p>
+<p>For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and
+difficult chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him
+by the arm and said between pants:</p>
+<p>"Have you a permit to fish on this estate?</p>
+<p>"Yes to be sure," said the boy, quietly.</p>
+<p>"You have? Then show it to me."</p>
+<p>The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and
+frowned in perplexity and anger.</p>
+<p>"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have
+none!"</p>
+<a name="H026" id="H026"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AMBITION</h3>
+<p>Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one
+night, and that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you
+no other ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force
+people to degrade themselves by laughter?"</p>
+<p>Yes, Herford had an ambition. A whale of an ambition. Some day
+he hoped to gratify it.</p>
+<p>The woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in
+her long, sad hands, and glowed into Mr. Herford's eyes. "Oh, Mr.
+Herford," she said, "Oliver! Tell me about it."</p>
+<p>"I want to throw an egg into an electric fan," said Herford,
+simply.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Hubby," said the observant wife, "the janitor of these flats is
+a bachelor."</p>
+<p>"What of it?"</p>
+<p>"I really think he is becoming interested in our oldest
+daughter."</p>
+<p>"There you go again with your pipe dreams! Last week it was a
+duke."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The chief end of a man in New York is dissipation; in Boston,
+conversation.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When you are aspiring to the highest place, it is honorable to
+reach the second or even the third rank.&mdash;<i>Cicero</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The man who seeks one thing in life, and but one,</p>
+<p class="i2">May hope to achieve it before life be done;</p>
+<p class="i2">But he who seeks all things, wherever he goes,</p>
+<p class="i2">Only reaps from the hopes which around him he
+sows</p>
+<p class="i2">A harvest of barren regrets.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Owen Meredith</i></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H027" id="H027"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AMERICAN GIRL</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the dearest</p>
+<p class="i4">Of all things on earth.</p>
+<p class="i2">(Dearest precisely&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">And yet of full worth.)</p>
+<p class="i2">One who lays siege to</p>
+<p class="i4">Susceptible hearts.</p>
+<p class="i2">(Pocket-books also&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">That's one of her arts!)</p>
+<p class="i2">Drink to her, toast her,</p>
+<p class="i4">Your banner unfurl&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Here's to the <i>priceless</i></p>
+<p class="i4">American Girl!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Walter Pulitzer</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H028" id="H028"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AMERICANS</h3>
+<p>Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation
+turned to the subject of lynching in the United States.</p>
+<p>It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans
+met death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Field
+and asked:</p>
+<p>"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs?"</p>
+<p>"Yes," replied Field, "hundreds of them."</p>
+<p>"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke
+in half a dozen voices at once.</p>
+<p>"Well, the night before I sailed for England," said Field, "I
+was giving a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when
+a colored waiter spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at
+an adjoining table. The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen
+of her party at once seized the waiter, tied a rope around his
+neck, and at a signal from the injured lady swung him into the
+air."</p>
+<p>"Horrible!" said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you
+actually see this yourself?"</p>
+<p>"Well, no," admitted Field apologetically. "Just at that moment
+I happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in
+the blanc mange."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">You can always tell the English,</p>
+<p class="i2">You can always tell the Dutch,</p>
+<p class="i2">You can always tell the Yankees&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">But you can't tell them <i>much!</i></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H029" id="H029"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AMUSEMENTS</h3>
+<p>A newspaper thus defined amusements:</p>
+<p>The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has
+been for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the
+change of place in holding it, deaths in families, and other
+amusements.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I wish that my room had a floor;</p>
+<p class="i2">I don't so much care for a door;</p>
+<p class="i4">But this crawling around</p>
+<p class="i4">Without touching the ground</p>
+<p class="i2">Is getting to be quite a bore.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I am a great friend to public amusements; for they keep people
+from vice.&mdash;<i>Samuel Johnson</i>.</p>
+<a name="H030" id="H030"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ANATOMY</h3>
+<p>TOMMY&mdash;"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg
+or a arm in every battle he fit in!"</p>
+<p>JOHNNY&mdash;"Gee! How many battles was he in?"</p>
+<p>TOMMY&mdash;"About forty."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the
+first Napoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old
+one-armed veteran.</p>
+<p>"How did you lose your arm?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"Sire, at Austerlitz."</p>
+<p>"And were you not decorated?"</p>
+<p>"No, sire."</p>
+<p>"Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier."</p>
+<p>"Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm.
+What would your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the
+Legion."</p>
+<p>Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off
+his other arm.</p>
+<p>There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only
+question is, how did he do it?</p>
+<a name="H031" id="H031"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ANCESTRY</h3>
+<p>A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of
+his ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence.
+At the time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of
+checks and affixed his signature with many a curve and flourish.
+The salesman's patience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer
+to recognize him, he finally observed:</p>
+<p>"You have a fine signature, Mr. So-and-So."</p>
+<p>"Yes," admitted the buyer, "I should have. One of my forefathers
+signed the Declaration of Independence."</p>
+<p>"So?" said the caller, with rising inflection. And then he
+added:</p>
+<p>"Vell, you aind't got nottings on me. One of my forefathers
+signed the Ten Commandments."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In a speech in the Senate on Hawaiian affairs, Senator Depew of
+New York told this story:</p>
+<p>When Queen Liliuokalani was in England during the English
+queen's jubilee, she was received at Buckingham Palace. In the
+course of the remarks that passed between the two queens, the one
+from the Sandwich Islands said that she had English blood in her
+veins.</p>
+<p>"How so?" inquired Victoria.</p>
+<p>"My ancestors ate Captain Cook."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Signor Marconi, in an interview in Washington, praised American
+democracy.</p>
+<p>"Over here," he said, "you respect a man for what he is
+himself&mdash;not for what his family is&mdash;and thus you remind
+me of the gardener in Bologna who helped me with my first wireless
+apparatus.</p>
+<p>"As my mother's gardener and I were working on my apparatus
+together a young count joined us one day, and while he watched us
+work the count boasted of his lineage.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"The gardener, after listening a long while, smiled and
+said:</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>"'If you come from an ancient family, it's so much the worse for
+you sir; for, as we gardeners say, the older the seed the worse the
+crop.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Gerald," said the young wife, noticing how heartily he was
+eating, "do I cook as well as your mother did?"</p>
+<p>Gerald put up his monocle, and stared at her through it.</p>
+<p>"Once and for all, Agatha," he said, "I beg you will remember
+that although I may seem to be in reduced circumstances now, I come
+of an old and distinguished family. My mother was not a cook."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"My ancestors came over in the 'Mayflower.'"</p>
+<p>"That's nothing; my father descended from an
+a&euml;roplane."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When in England, Governor Foss, of Massachusetts, had luncheon
+with a prominent Englishman noted for boasting of his ancestry.
+Taking a coin from his pocket, the Englishman said: "My
+great-great-grandfather was made a lord by the king whose picture
+you see on this shilling." "Indeed!" replied the governor, smiling,
+as he produced another coin. "What a coincidence! My
+great-great-grandfather was made an angel by the Indian whose
+picture you see on this cent."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>People will not look forward to posterity, who never look
+backward to their ancestors.&mdash;<i>Burke</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">From yon blue heavens above us bent,</p>
+<p class="i2">The gardener Adam and his wife</p>
+<p class="i2">Smile at the claims of long descent.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Tennyson</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H032" id="H032"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ANGER</h3>
+<p>Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried
+to re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible
+verse, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath."</p>
+<p>"Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go
+down on your wrath?"</p>
+<p>Charlie squirmed a little. Then:</p>
+<p>"Well, how can <i>I</i> stop it?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife's.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is easy enough to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is
+the bigger.</p>
+<a name="H033" id="H033"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ANNIVERSARIES</h3>
+<p>MRS. JONES&mdash;"Does your husband remember your wedding
+anniversary?"</p>
+<p>MRS. SMITH&mdash;"No; so I remind him of it in January and June,
+and get two presents."</p>
+<a name="H034" id="H034"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ANTIDOTES</h3>
+<p>"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were
+summoned to the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a
+heavy dose of oxalic acid, what would you administer?"</p>
+<p>The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry
+because it was obligatory in the course, replied, "I would
+administer the sacrament."</p>
+<a name="H035" id="H035"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>APPEARANCES</h3>
+<p>"How fat and well your little boy looks."</p>
+<p>"Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil
+on one side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the
+other."</p>
+<a name="H036" id="H036"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>APPLAUSE</h3>
+<p>A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful
+tour, finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night,
+though there was no furore or general uprising of the audience,
+there was enough hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected
+spirits. The leading man stepped to the foot-lights after the first
+act and bowed profoundly. Still the clapping continued.</p>
+<p>When he went behind the scenes he saw an Irish stagehand
+laughing heartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the
+actor, throwing out his chest.</p>
+<p>"What d'ye mane?" replied the Irishman.</p>
+<p>"Why, the hand-clapping out there," was the reply.</p>
+<p>"Hand-clapping?"</p>
+<p>"Yes," said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to
+show they appreciate me."</p>
+<p>"D'ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi,
+thot's not applause. Thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak
+ones.&mdash;<i>Colton</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>O Popular Applause! what heart of man is proof against thy
+sweet, seducing charms?&mdash;<i>Cowper</i>.</p>
+<a name="H037" id="H037"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL</h3>
+<p>A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the
+grim details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband:</p>
+<p>"This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing he done
+to stop it?"</p>
+<p>"I'm afraid not," her husband answered.</p>
+<p>"Why don't both sides come together and arbitrate?" she
+cried.</p>
+<p>"They did," said he. "They did, 'way back in June. That's how
+the gol-durned thing started."</p>
+<a name="H038" id="H038"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ARITHMETIC</h3>
+<p>"He seems to be very clever."</p>
+<p>"Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have
+to work out at school."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SONNY&mdash;"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic."</p>
+<p>POP&mdash;"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure
+up baseball scores and batting averages? Never!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"Now, Johnny, suppose I should borrow $100 from
+your father and should pay him $10 a month for ten months, how much
+would I then owe him?"</p>
+<p>JOHNNY&mdash;"About $3 interest."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"See how I can count, mama," said Kitty. "There's my right foot.
+That's one. There's my left foot. That's two. Two and one make
+three. Three feet make a yard, and I want to go out and play in
+it!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing
+smacks had an argument one day as to which was the better
+mathematician," said George C. Wiedenmayer the other day. "Finally
+the captain of their ship proposed the following problem which each
+would try to work out: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod
+and brought their catch to port and sold it at 6 cents a pound, how
+much would they receive for the fish?'</p>
+<p>"Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able
+to master the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable
+to get any answer.</p>
+<p>"At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat
+the problem. The captain started off: 'If a fishing crew caught 500
+pounds of cod and&mdash;.'</p>
+<p>"'Wait a moment,' said Bill, 'is it codfish they caught?'</p>
+<p>"'Yep,' said the captain.</p>
+<p>"'Darn it all,' said Bill. 'No wonder I couldn't get an answer.
+Here I've been figuring on salmon all the time.'"</p>
+<a name="H039" id="H039"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ARMIES</h3>
+<p>A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite
+learned his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend
+brought a pie from the canteen.</p>
+<p>As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in
+undress uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute,
+and the major stopped and said:</p>
+<p>"What's that you have there?"</p>
+<p>"Pie," said the sentry, good-naturedly. "Apple pie. Have a
+bite?"</p>
+<p>The major frowned.</p>
+<p>"Do you know who I am?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"No," said the sentry, "unless you're the major's groom."</p>
+<p>The major shook his head.</p>
+<p>"Guess again," he growled.</p>
+<p>"The barber from the village?"</p>
+<p>"No."</p>
+<p>"Maybe"&mdash;here the sentry laughed&mdash;"maybe you're the
+major himself?"</p>
+<p>"That's right. I am the major," was the stern reply.</p>
+<p>The sentry scrambled to his feet.</p>
+<p>"Good gracious!" he exclaimed. "Hold the pie, will you, while I
+present arms!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The battle was going against him. The commander-in-chief,
+himself ruler of the South American republic, sent an aide to the
+rear, ordering General Blanco to bring up his regiment at once. Ten
+minutes passed; but it didn't come. Twenty, thirty, and an
+hour&mdash;still no regiment. The aide came tearing back hatless,
+breathless.</p>
+<p>"My regiment! My regiment! Where is it? Where is it?" shrieked
+the commander.</p>
+<p>"General," answered the excited aide, "Blanco started it all
+right, but there are a couple of drunken Americans down the road
+and they won't let it go by."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An army officer decided to see for himself how his sentries were
+doing their duty. He was somewhat surprised at overhearing the
+following:</p>
+<p>"Halt! Who goes there?"</p>
+<p>"Friend&mdash;with a bottle."</p>
+<p>"Pass, friend. Halt, bottle."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"A war is a fearful thing," said Mr. Dolan.</p>
+<p>"It is," replied Mr. Rafferty. "When you see the fierceness of
+members of the army toward one another, the fate of a common enemy
+must be horrible."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Military Discipline.</p>
+<a name="H040" id="H040"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ARMY RATIONS</h3>
+<p>The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came
+across a private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching
+on something. His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only
+with the greatest effort.</p>
+<p>"What are you eating?" demanded the colonel.</p>
+<p>"Persimmons, sir."</p>
+<p>"Good Heavens! Haven't you got any more sense than to eat
+persimmons at this time of the year? They'll pucker the very
+stomach out of you."</p>
+<p>"I know, sir. That's why I'm eatin' 'em. I'm tryin' to shrink me
+stomach to fit me rations."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On the occasion of the annual encampment of a western militia,
+one of the soldiers, a clerk who lived well at home, was
+experiencing much difficulty in disposing of his rations.</p>
+<p>A fellow-sufferer nearby was watching with no little amusement
+the first soldier's attempts to Fletcherize a piece of meat. "Any
+trouble, Tom?" asked the second soldier sarcastically.</p>
+<p>"None in particular," was the response. Then, after a sullen
+survey of the bit of beef he held in his hand, the amateur fighter
+observed:</p>
+<p>"Bill, I now fully realize what people mean when they speak of
+the sinews of war."&mdash;<i>Howard Morse</i>.</p>
+<a name="H041" id="H041"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ART</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was an old sculptor named Phidias,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.</p>
+<p class="i4">He carved Aphrodite</p>
+<p class="i4">Without any nightie&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Which startled the purely fastidious.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The friend had dropped in to see D'Auber, the great animal
+painter, put the finishing touches on his latest painting. He was
+mystified, however, when D'Auber took some raw meat and rubbed it
+vigorously over the painted rabbit in the foreground.</p>
+<p>"Why on earth did you do that?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"Why you see," explained D'Auber, "Mrs Millions is coming to see
+this picture today. When she sees her pet poodle smell that rabbit,
+and get excited over it, she'll buy it on the spot."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A young artist once persuaded Whistler to come and view his
+latest effort. The two stood before the canvas for some moments in
+silence. Finally the young man asked timidly, "Don't you think,
+sir, that this painting of mine
+is&mdash;well&mdash;er&mdash;tolerable?"</p>
+<p>Whistler's eyes twinkled dangerously.</p>
+<p>"What is your opinion of a tolerable egg?" he asked.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The amateur artist was painting sunset, red with blue streaks
+and green dots.</p>
+<p>The old rustic, at a respectful distance, was watching.</p>
+<p>"Ah," said the artist looking up suddenly, "perhaps to you, too,
+Nature has opened her sky picture page by page! Have you seen the
+lambent flame of dawn leaping across the livid east; the
+red-stained, sulphurous islets floating in the lake of fire in the
+west; the ragged clouds at midnight, black as a raven's wing,
+blotting out the shuddering moon?"</p>
+<p>"No," replied the rustic, "not since I give up drink."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Art is indeed not the bread but the wine of life.&mdash;<i>Jean
+Paul Richter</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Now nature is not at variance with art, nor art with nature;
+they being both the servants of His providence. Art is the
+perfection of nature. Were the world now as it was the sixth day,
+there were yet a chaos. Nature hath made one world, and art
+another. In brief, all things are artificial; for nature is the art
+of God.&mdash;<i>Sir Thomas Browne</i>.</p>
+<a name="H042" id="H042"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ARTISTS</h3>
+<p>ARTIST&mdash;"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable
+purpose."</p>
+<p>CRITIC&mdash;"Why not give it to an institution for the
+blind?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made philosopher.</p>
+<p>"Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at the dear old
+factory than learning to pronounce the names of the old masters in
+my picture-gallery."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>CRITIC&mdash;"By George, old chap, when I look at one of your
+paintings I stand and wonder&mdash;"</p>
+<p>ARTIST&mdash;"How I do it?"</p>
+<p>CRITIC "No; why you do it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>He that seeks popularity in art closes the door on his own
+genius: as he must needs paint for other minds, and not for his
+own.&mdash;<i>Mrs. Jameson</i>.</p>
+<a name="H043" id="H043"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ATHLETES</h3>
+<p>The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups,
+standing on the desk of Mr. Billups.</p>
+<p>"That your boy, Billups?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton
+College."</p>
+<p>"Looks intellectual rather than athletic," said the caller.</p>
+<p>"Oh, he's an athlete all right," said Billups. "When it comes to
+running up accounts, and jumping his board-bill, and lifting his
+voice, and throwing a thirty-two pound bluff, there isn't a
+gladiator in creation that can give my boy Tommie any kind of a
+handicap. He's just written for an extra check."</p>
+<p>"And as a proud father you are sending it, I don't doubt,"
+smiled the caller.</p>
+<p>"Yes," grinned Billups; "I am sending him a rain-check I got at
+the hall-game yesterday. As an athlete, he'll appreciate its
+value."&mdash;<i>J.K.B</i>.</p>
+<a name="H044" id="H044"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ATTENTION</h3>
+<p>The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are
+lacking in observation.</p>
+<p>To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put
+on the board."</p>
+<p>Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote
+sixty-three.</p>
+<p>He asked for another number, and seventy-six was given. He wrote
+sixty-seven.</p>
+<p>When a third number was asked, a child who apparently had paid
+no attention called out:</p>
+<p>"Theventy-theven. Change <i>that</i> you thucker!"</p>
+<a name="H045" id="H045"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AUTHORS</h3>
+<p>The following is a recipe for an author:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Take the usual number of fingers,</p>
+<p class="i2">Add paper, manila or white,</p>
+<p class="i2">A typewriter, plenty of postage</p>
+<p class="i2">And something or other to write.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Oscar Wilde, upon hearing one of Whistler's <i>bon mots</i>
+exclaimed: "Oh, Jimmy; I wish I had said that!" "Never mind, dear
+Oscar," was the rejoinder, "you will!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>THE AUTHOR&mdash;"Would you advise me to get out a small
+edition?"</p>
+<p>THE PUBLISHER&mdash;"Yes, the smaller the better. The more
+scarce a book is at the end of four or five centuries the more
+money you realize from it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>AMBITIOUS AUTHOR&mdash;"Hurray! Five dollars for my latest
+story, 'The Call of the Lure!'"</p>
+<p>FAST FRIEND&mdash;"Who from?"</p>
+<p>AMBITIOUS AUTHOR&mdash;"The express company. They lost it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A lady who had arranged an authors' reading at her house
+succeeded in persuading her reluctant husband to stay home that
+evening to assist in receiving the guests. He stood the
+entertainment as long as he could&mdash;three authors, to be
+exact&mdash;and then made an excuse that he was going to open the
+front door to let in some fresh air. In the hall he found one of
+the servants asleep on a settee.</p>
+<p>"Wake up!" he commanded, shaking the fellow roughly. "What does
+this mean, your being asleep out here? You must have been listening
+at the keyhole."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An ambitious young man called upon a publisher and stated that
+he had decided to write a book.</p>
+<p>"May I venture to inquire as to the nature of the book you
+propose to write?" asked the publisher, very politely.</p>
+<p>"Oh," came in an offhand way from the aspirant to literary fame,
+"I think of doing something on the line of 'Les Miserables,' only
+livelier, you know."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"So you have had a long siege of nervous prostration?" we say to
+the haggard author. "What caused it? Overwork?"</p>
+<p>"In a way, yes," he answers weakly. "I tried to do a novel with
+a Robert W. Chambers hero and a Mary E. Wilkins
+heroine."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mark Twain at a dinner at the Authors' Club said: "Speaking of
+fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. In my early
+lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall,
+arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed very poorly billed. I
+thought I'd find out if the people knew anything at all about what
+was in store for them. So I turned in at the general store. 'Good
+afternoon, friend,' I said to the general storekeeper. 'Any
+entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while away his
+evening?' The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerels,
+straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and said: 'I
+expect there's goin' to be a lecture. I've been sellin' eggs all
+day."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An American friend of Edmond Rostand says that the great
+dramatist once told him of a curious encounter he had had with a
+local magistrate in a town not far from his own.</p>
+<p>It appears that Rostand had been asked to register the birth of
+a friend's newly arrived son. The clerk at the registry office was
+an officious little chap, bent on carrying out the letter of the
+law. The following dialogue ensued:</p>
+<p>"Your name, sir?"</p>
+<p>"Edmond Rostand."</p>
+<p>"Vocation?"</p>
+<p>"Man of letters, and member of the French Academy."</p>
+<p>"Very well, sir. You must sign your name. Can you write? If not,
+you may make a cross."&mdash;<i>Howard Morse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>George W. Cable, the southern writer, was visiting a western
+city where he was invited to inspect the new free library. The
+librarian conducted the famous writer through the building until
+they finally reached the department of books devoted to
+fiction.</p>
+<p>"We have all your books, Mr. Cable," proudly said the librarian.
+"You see there they are&mdash;all of them on the shelves there: not
+one missing."</p>
+<p>And Mr. Cable's hearty laugh was not for the reason that the
+librarian thought!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Brief History of a Successful Author: From ink-pots to
+flesh-pots&mdash;<i>R.R. Kirk</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"It took me nearly ten years to learn that I couldn't write
+stories."</p>
+<p>"I suppose you gave it up then?"</p>
+<p>"No, no. By that time I had a reputation."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I dream my stories," said Hicks, the author.</p>
+<p>"How you must dread going to bed!" exclaimed Cynicus.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The five-year-old son of James Oppenheim, author of "The
+Olympian," was recently asked what work he was going to do when he
+became a man. "Oh," Ralph replied, "I'm not going to work at all."
+"Well, what are you going to do, then?" he was asked. "Why," he
+said seriously, "I'm just going to write stories, like daddy."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>William Dean Howells is the kindliest of critics, but now and
+then some popular novelist's conceit will cause him to bristle up a
+little.</p>
+<p>"You know," said one, fishing for compliments, "I get richer and
+richer, but all the same I think my work is falling off. My new
+work is not so good as my old."</p>
+<p>"Oh, nonsense!" said Mr. Howells. "You write just as well as you
+ever did. Your taste is improving, that's all."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>James Oliver Curwood, a novelist, tells of a recent encounter
+with the law. The value of a short story he was writing depended
+upon a certain legal situation which he found difficult to manage.
+Going to a lawyer of his acquaintance he told him the plot and was
+shown a way to the desired end. "You've saved me just $100," he
+exclaimed, "for that's what I am going to get for this story."</p>
+<p>A week later he received a bill from the lawyer as follows: "For
+literary advice, $100." He says he paid.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Tried to skin me, that scribbler did!"</p>
+<p>"What did he want?"</p>
+<p>"Wanted to get out a book jointly, he to write the book and I to
+write the advertisements. I turned him down. I wasn't going to do
+all the literary work."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At a London dinner recently the conversation turned to the
+various methods of working employed by literary geniuses. Among the
+examples cited was that of a well-known poet, who, it is said, was
+wont to arouse his wife about four o'clock in the morning and
+exclaim, "Maria, get up; I've thought of a good word!" Whereupon
+the poet's obedient helpmate would crawl out of bed and make a note
+of the thought-of word.</p>
+<p>About an hour later, like as not, a new inspiration would seize
+the bard, whereupon he would again arouse his wife, saying, "Maria,
+Maria, get up! I've thought of a better word!"</p>
+<p>The company in general listened to the story with admiration,
+but a merry-eyed American girl remarked: "Well, if he'd been my
+husband I should have replied, 'Alpheus, get up yourself; I've
+thought of a bad word!'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"There is probably no hell for authors in the next
+world&mdash;they suffer so much from critics and publishers in
+this."&mdash;<i>Bovee</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A thought upon my forehead,</p>
+<p class="i4">My hand up to my face;</p>
+<p class="i2">I want to be an author,</p>
+<p class="i4">An air of studied grace!</p>
+<p class="i2">I want to be an author,</p>
+<p class="i4">With genius on my brow;</p>
+<p class="i2">I want to be an author,</p>
+<p class="i4">And I want to be it now!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Ella Hutchison Ellwanger</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>That writer does the most, who gives his reader the most
+knowledge, and takes from him the least time.&mdash;<i>C.C.
+Colton</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Habits of close attention, thinking heads,</p>
+<p class="i2">Become more rare as dissipation spreads,</p>
+<p class="i2">Till authors hear at length one general cry</p>
+<p class="i2">Tickle and entertain us, or we die!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Cowper</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a
+mother who talks about her own children.&mdash;<i>Disraeli</i>.</p>
+<a name="H046" id="H046"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AUTOMOBILES</h3>
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take
+him to save a thousand?"</p>
+<p>BOY&mdash;"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a
+car."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway.</p>
+<p>"Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my
+income generally."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What is the name of your automobile?"</p>
+<p>"I don't know."</p>
+<p>"You don't know? What do your folks call it?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom
+calls it 'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, 'Our Car';
+grandma, 'That Peril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak,' and our
+neighbors, 'The Limit.'"&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick'
+and the 'dead?'" asked the Sunday-school teacher.</p>
+<p>Willie waved his hand frantically.</p>
+<p>"Well, Willie?"</p>
+<p>"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way
+of automobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?"</p>
+<p>"Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the
+blamed machine."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A little "Brush" chugged painfully up to the gate of a race
+track.</p>
+<p>The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles,
+called:</p>
+<p>"A dollar for the car!"</p>
+<p>The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and
+said:</p>
+<p>"Sold!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Fords; Profanity.</p>
+<a name="H047" id="H047"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AUTOMOBILING</h3>
+<p>"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run
+ye in. We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry
+Corners."</p>
+<p>"Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four
+hours to come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire. That's only
+five miles an hour."</p>
+<p>"Sure!" said the new constable, "but the speed law round these
+here parts is ten mile an hour, and by Jehosophat I'm goin' to make
+you ottermobile fellers live up to it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two street pedlers in Bradford, England, bought a horse for
+$11.25. It was killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the
+car paid them $115 for the loss. Thereupon a new industry sprang up
+on the roads of England.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"It was very romantic," says the friend. "He proposed to her in
+the automobile."</p>
+<p>"Yes?" we murmur, encouragingly.</p>
+<p>"And she accepted him in the hospital."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed,"
+said the visitor.</p>
+<p>"That goes to show," replied Farmer Corntassel, "how little you
+reformers understand local conditions. I've purty nigh paid off a
+mortgage with the money I made haulm' automobiles out o' that
+mud-hole."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The old lady from the country and her small son were driving to
+town when a huge automobile bore down upon them. The horse was
+badly frightened and began to prance, whereupon the old lady leaped
+down and waved wildly to the chauffeur, screaming at the top of her
+voice.</p>
+<p>The chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse
+past.</p>
+<p>"That's all right," said the boy, who remained composedly in the
+carriage, "I can manage the horse. You just lead Mother past."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What makes you carry that horrible shriek machine for an
+automobile signal?"</p>
+<p>"For humane reasons." replied Mr. Chugging. "If I can paralyze a
+person with fear he will keep still and I can run to one side of
+him."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In certain sections of West Virginia there is no liking for
+automobilists, as was evidenced in the case of a Washingtonian who
+was motoring in a sparsely settled region of the State.</p>
+<p>This gentleman was haled before a local magistrate upon the
+complaint of a constable. The magistrate, a good-natured man, was
+not, however, absolutely certain that the Washingtonian's car had
+been driven too fast; and the owner stoutly insisted that he had
+been progressing at the rate of only six miles an hour.</p>
+<p>"Why, your Honor," he said, "my engine was out of order, and I
+was going very slowly because I was afraid it would break down
+completely. I give you my word, sir, you could have walked as fast
+as I was running."</p>
+<p>"Well," said the magistrate, after due reflection, "you don't
+appear to have been exceeding the speed limit, but at the same time
+you must have been guilty of something, or you wouldn't be here. I
+fine you ten dollars for loitering."&mdash;<i>Fenimore
+Martin</i>.</p>
+<a name="H048" id="H048"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AVIATION</h3>
+<p>The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in
+his airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will
+have to go down again."</p>
+<p>"What's wrong?" asked her husband.</p>
+<p>"I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my
+jacket. I think I can see it glistening on the ground."</p>
+<p>"Keep your seat, my dear," said the aviator, "that's Lake
+Erie."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>AVIATOR (to young assistant, who has begun to be
+frightened)&mdash;"Well, what do you want now?"</p>
+<p>ASSISTANT (whimpering)&mdash;"I want the earth."&mdash;<i>Abbie
+C. Dixon</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When Claude Grahame-White the famous aviator, author of "The
+Aeroplane in War," was in this country not long ago, he was
+spending a week-end at a country home. He tells the following story
+of an incident that was very amusing to him.</p>
+<p>"The first night that I arrived, a dinner party was given.
+Feeling very enthusiastic over the recent flights, I began to tell
+the young woman who was my partner at the table of some of the
+details of the aviation sport.</p>
+<p>"It was not until the dessert was brought on that I realized
+that I had been doing all the talking; indeed, the young woman
+seated next me had not uttered a single word since I first began
+talking about aviation. Perhaps she was not interested in the
+subject, I thought, although to an enthusiast like me it seemed
+quite incredible.</p>
+<p>"'I am afraid I have been boring you with this shop talk," I
+said, feeling as if I should apologize.</p>
+<p>"'Oh, not at all,' she murmured, in very polite tones; 'but
+would you mind telling me, what is aviation?'"&mdash;<i>M.A.
+Hitchcock</i>.</p>
+<a name="H049" id="H049"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>AVIATORS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Little drops in water&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Little drops on land&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Make the aviator,</p>
+<p class="i2">Join the heavenly band.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Satire</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Are you an experienced aviator?"</p>
+<p>"Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all
+here."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H050" id="H050"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BABIES</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Children.</p>
+<a name="H051" id="H051"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BACCALAUREATE SERMONS</h3>
+<p>PROUD FATHER&mdash;"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration
+you'll be an honor to the family."</p>
+<p>VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am
+going to try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon."</p>
+<a name="H052" id="H052"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BACTERIA</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There once were some learned M.D.'s,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who captured some germs of disease,</p>
+<p class="i4">And infected a train</p>
+<p class="i4">Which, without causing pain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Allowed one to catch it with ease.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital.</p>
+<p>"Well," said the first, "what's new this morning?"</p>
+<p>"I've got a most curious case. Woman, cross-eyed; in fact, so
+cross-eyed that when she cries the tears run down her back."</p>
+<p>"What are you doing for her?"</p>
+<p>"Just now," was the answer, "we're treating her for
+bacteria."</p>
+<a name="H053" id="H053"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BADGES</h3>
+<p>Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the
+temperance society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie,
+run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance
+badge," she directed her maid. "I have forgotten it. You will know
+it, Addie&mdash;blue ribbon and gold lettering."</p>
+<p>"Yas'm, I knows it right well." Addie could not read, but she
+knew a blue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and
+therefore had not trouble in finding it and fastening it properly
+on the dress of her mistress.</p>
+<p>At the meeting Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends
+to note that they smiled when they shook hands with her. When she
+reached home supper was served, so she went directly to the
+dining-room, where the other members of the family were seated.</p>
+<p>"Gracious me, Mother!" exclaimed her son: "that blue
+ribbon&mdash;you haven't been wearing that at the temperance
+meeting?"</p>
+<p>A loud laugh went up on all sides.</p>
+<p>"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at the
+ribbon in surprise.</p>
+<p>"Why, Mother dear, didn't you know that was the ribbon I won at
+the show?"</p>
+<p>The gold lettering on the ribbon read:</p>
+<p class="center">INTERSTATE POULTRY SHOW</p>
+<table summary="First Prize" width="100%" align="center">
+<tr>
+<td align="left">First Prize</td>
+<td align="right">Bantam</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<a name="H054" id="H054"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BAGGAGE</h3>
+<p>An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son,
+who had done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After
+their first greetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow
+remarked: "Feyther, you are not lookin' weel. Is there anything the
+matter?" The old man replied, "Aye, lad, I have had quite an
+accident." "What was that, feyther?" "Mon," he said, "on this
+journey frae bonnie Scotland I lost my luggage." "Dear, dear,
+that's too bad; 'oo did it happen?" "Aweel" replied the Aberdonian,
+"the cork cam' oot."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Johnnie Poe, one of the famous Princeton football family, and
+incidentally a great-nephew of Edgar Allan Poe, was a general in
+the army of Honduras in one of their recent wars. Finally, when
+things began to look black with peace and the American general
+discovered that his princely pay when translated into United States
+money was about sixty cents a day, he struck for the coast. There
+he found a United States warship and asked transportation home.</p>
+<p>"Sure," the commander told him. "We'll be glad to have you. Come
+aboard whenever you like and bring your luggage."</p>
+<p>"Thanks," said Poe warmly. "I'll sure do that. I only have
+fifty-four pieces."</p>
+<p>"What!" exclaimed the commander. "What do you think I'm running?
+A freighter?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, well, you needn't get excited about it," purred Poe. "My
+fifty-four pieces consist of one pair of socks and a pack of
+playing cards."</p>
+<a name="H055" id="H055"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BALDNESS</h3>
+<p>One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most
+fashionable way of dressing the hair was at work on the job.</p>
+<p>Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap,
+watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers would
+slide over the smooth and glossy pate which is Father's.</p>
+<p>"No waves for you, Father," remarked the little one. "You're all
+beach."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Were any of your boyish ambitions ever realized?" asked the
+sentimentalist.</p>
+<p>"Yes," replied the practical person. "When my mother used to cut
+my hair I often wished I might be bald-headed."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Congressman Longworth is not gifted with much hair, his head
+being about as shiny as a billiard ball.</p>
+<p>One day ex-president Taft, then Secretary of War, and
+Congressman Longworth sallied into a barbershop.</p>
+<p>"Hair cut?" asked the barber of Longworth.</p>
+<p>"Yes," answered the Congressman.</p>
+<p>"Oh, no, Nick," commented the Secretary of War from the next
+chair, "you don't want a hair cut; you want a shine."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"O, Mother, why are the men in the front baldheaded?"</p>
+<p>"They bought their tickets from scalpers, my child."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The costumer came forward to attend to the nervous old beau who
+was mopping his bald and shining poll with a big silk
+handkerchief.</p>
+<p>"And what can I do for you?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"I want a little help in the way of a suggestion," said the old
+fellow. "I intend going to the French Students' masquerade ball
+to-night, and I want a distinctly original costume&mdash;something
+I may be sure no one else will wear. What would you suggest?"</p>
+<p>The costumer looked him over attentively, bestowing special
+notice on the gleaming knob.</p>
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you," he said then, thoughtfully: "why don't
+you sugar your head and go as a pill?"&mdash;<i>Frank X.
+Finnegan</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>United States Senator Ollie James, of Kentucky, is bald.</p>
+<p>"Does being bald bother you much?" a candid friend asked him
+once.</p>
+<p>"Yes, a little," answered the truthful James.</p>
+<p>"I suppose you feel the cold severely in winter," went on the
+friend.</p>
+<p>"No; it's not that so much," said the Senator. "The main bother
+is when I'm washing myself&mdash;unless I keep my hat on I don't
+know where my face stops."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A near-sighted old lady at a dinner-party, one evening, had for
+her companion on the left a very bald-headed old gentleman. While
+talking to the gentleman at her right she dropped her napkin
+unconsciously. The bald-headed gentleman, in stooping to pick it
+up, touched her arm. The old lady turned around, shook her head,
+and very politely said: "No melon, thank you."</p>
+<a name="H056" id="H056"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BANKS AND BANKING</h3>
+<p>During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for
+some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but
+was using cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and
+insisted on money.</p>
+<p>The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little
+effect. At last the president tried his hand, and after long and
+minute explanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be
+dawning on the farmer's mind. Much encouraged, the president said:
+"You understand now how it is, don't you, Mr.. Schmidt?"</p>
+<p>"I t'ink I do," admitted Mr. Schmidt. "It's like dis, aindt it?
+Ven my baby vakes up at night and vants some milk, I gif him a milk
+ticket."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>She advanced to the paying teller's window and, handing in a
+check for fifty dollars, stated that it was a birthday present from
+her husband and asked for payment. The teller informed her that she
+must first endorse it.</p>
+<p>"I don't know what you mean," she said hesitatingly.</p>
+<p>"Why, you see," he explained, "you must write your name on the
+back, so that when we return the check to your husband, he will
+know we have paid you the money."</p>
+<p>"Oh, is that all?" she said, relieved.... One minute
+elapses.</p>
+<p>Thus the "endorsement": "Many thanks, dear, I've got the money.
+Your loving wife, Evelyn."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FRIEND&mdash;"So you're going to make it hot for that fellow who
+held up the bank, shot the cashier, and got away with the ten
+thousand?"</p>
+<p>BANKER&mdash;"Yes, indeed. He was entirely too fresh. There's a
+decent way to do that, you know. If he wanted to get the money, why
+didn't he come into the bank and work his way up the way the rest
+of us did?"&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<a name="H057" id="H057"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BAPTISM</h3>
+<p>A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in
+southern Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an
+earnest but fruitless exhortation, requested all of the
+congregation who wanted their souls washed white as snow to stand
+up. One old darky remained sitting.</p>
+<p>"Don' yo' want y' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"</p>
+<p>"Mah soul done been washed w'ite as snow, pahson."</p>
+<p>"Whah wuz yo' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"</p>
+<p>"Over yander to the Methodis' chu'ch acrost de railroad."</p>
+<p>"Brudder Jones, yo' soul wa'n't washed&mdash;hit were
+dry-cleaned."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H058" id="H058"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BAPTISTS</h3>
+<p>An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the
+Methodist and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to
+the reason for his church travels he responded:</p>
+<p>"Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I
+couldn't keep up wid de answerin' back in dey church. De Methodis',
+dey always holdin' inquiry meetin', and I don't like too much
+inquirin' into. But de Baptis', suh, dey jes' dip and are done wid
+hit."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: "Come up en jine de army ob
+de Lohd." "I'se done jined," replied one of the congregation.
+"Whar'd yoh jine?" asked the exhorter. "In de Baptis' Chu'ch."
+"Why, chile," said the exhorter, "yoh ain't in the army; yoh's in
+de navy."</p>
+<a name="H059" id="H059"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BARGAINS</h3>
+<p>MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)&mdash;"What did the lady who
+just went out want?"</p>
+<p>SHOPGIRL&mdash;"She inquired if we had a shoe department."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a
+magnificent and endless bargain counter and I looking on without a
+cent."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Newell Dwight Hillis, the now famous New York preacher and
+author, some years ago took charge of the First Presbyterian Church
+of Evanston, Illinois. Shortly after going there he required the
+services of a physician, and on the advice of one of his
+parishioners called in a doctor noted for his ability properly to
+emphasize a good story, but who attended church very rarely. He
+proved very satisfactory to the young preacher, but for some reason
+could not be induced to render a bill. Finally Dr. Hillis, becoming
+alarmed at the inroads the bill might make in his modest stipend,
+went to the physician and said, "See here, Doctor, I must know how
+much I owe you."</p>
+<p>After some urging, the physician replied: "Well, I'll tell you
+what I'll do with you, Hillis. They say you're a pretty good
+preacher, and you seem to think I am a fair doctor, so I'll make
+this bargain with you. I'll do all I can to keep you out of heaven
+if you do all you can to keep me out of hell, and it won't cost
+either of us a cent. Is it a go?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"My wife and myself are trying to get up a list of club
+magazines. By taking three you get a discount."</p>
+<p>"How are you making out?"</p>
+<p>"Well, we can get one that I don't want, and one that she
+doesn't want, and one that neither wants for $2.25."</p>
+<a name="H060" id="H060"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BASEBALL</h3>
+<p>A run in time saves the nine.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein'
+a good whittler.&mdash;<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Plague take that girl!"</p>
+<p>"My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town."</p>
+<p>"That may be. But she obstructs my view of second base."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When Miss Cheney, one of the popular teachers in the Swarthmore
+schools, had to deal with a boy who played "hookey," she failed to
+impress him with the evil of his ways.</p>
+<p>"Don't you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from
+school to play baseball?" asked Miss Cheney.</p>
+<p>"Yessum," replied the lad promptly. "Some of 'em gets to be good
+players and pitch in the big leagues."</p>
+<a name="H061" id="H061"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BATHS AND BATHING</h3>
+<p>The only unoccupied room in the hotel&mdash;one with a private
+bath in connection with it&mdash;was given to the stranger from
+Kansas. The next morning the clerk was approached by the guest when
+the latter was ready to check out.</p>
+<p>"Well, did you have a good night's rest?" the clerk asked.</p>
+<p>"No, I didn't," replied the Kansan. "The room was all right, and
+the bed was pretty good, but I couldn't sleep very much for I was
+afraid some one would want to take a bath, and the only door to it
+was through my room."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>RURAL CONSTABLE-"Now then, come out o' that. Bathing's not
+allowed 'ere after 8 a.m."</p>
+<p>THE FACE IN THE WATER-"Excuse me, Sergeant, I'm not bathing; I'm
+only drowning."&mdash;<i>Punch</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A woman and her brother lived alone in the Scotch Highlands. She
+knitted gloves and garments to sell in the Lowland towns. Once when
+she was starting out to market her wares, her brother said he would
+go with her and take a dip in the ocean. While the woman was in the
+town selling her work, Sandy was sporting in the waves. When his
+sister came down to join him, however, he met her with a wry face.
+"Oh, Kirstie," he said, "I've lost me weskit." They hunted high and
+low, but finally as night settled down decided that the waves must
+have carried it out to sea.</p>
+<p>The next year, at about the same season, the two again visited
+the town. And while Kirstie sold her wool in the town, Sandy
+splashed about in the brine. When Kirstie joined her brother she
+found him with a radiant face, and he cried out to her, "Oh,
+Kirstie, I've found me weskit. 'Twas under me shirt."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took
+an Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two
+privates were deputed to strip and wash him.</p>
+<p>The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water,
+undressed him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff
+brushes and large cakes of white soap.</p>
+<p>After a long time one of the privates came back to make a
+report. He saluted his officer and said disconsolately:</p>
+<p>"It's no use, sir. It's no use."</p>
+<p>"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you
+washed that Afghan yet?"</p>
+<p>"It's no use, sir," the private repeated. "We've washed him for
+two hours, but it's no use."</p>
+<p>"How do you mean it's no use?" said the officer angrily.</p>
+<p>"Why, sir," said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin'
+him till our arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another
+suit of clothes."</p>
+<a name="H062" id="H062"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BAZARS</h3>
+<p>Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was
+going along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and,
+pointing his pistol, began to relieve his victim of his money.</p>
+<p>The thief, however, apparently suffered some pangs of remorse.
+"It's pretty rough to be gone through like this, ain't it, sir?" he
+inquired.</p>
+<p>"Oh, that's all right, my man," the "held-up" one answered
+cheerfully. "I was on my way to a bazar. You're first, and there's
+an end of it."</p>
+<a name="H063" id="H063"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BEARDS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was an old man with a beard,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who said, "It is just as I feared!&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Two owls and a hen,</p>
+<p class="i4">Four larks and a wren,</p>
+<p class="i2">Have all built their nests in my beard."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H064" id="H064"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BEAUTY</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">If eyes were made for seeing,</p>
+<p class="i2">Then beauty is its own excuse for being.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;Emerson.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A thing of beauty is a joy forever;</p>
+<p class="i2">Its loveliness increases; it will never</p>
+<p class="i2">Pass into nothingness; but still will keep</p>
+<p class="i2">A bower quiet for us, and a sleep</p>
+<p class="i2">Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet
+breathing.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H065" id="H065"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BEAUTY, PERSONAL</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">In good looks I am not a star.</p>
+<p class="i2">There are others more lovely by far.</p>
+<p class="i4">But my face&mdash;I don't mind it,</p>
+<p class="i4">Because I'm behind it&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">It's the people in front that I jar.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Shine yer boots, sir?"</p>
+<p>"No," snapped the man.</p>
+<p>"Shine 'em so's yer can see yer face in 'em?" urged the
+bootblack.</p>
+<p>"No, I tell you!"</p>
+<p>"Coward," hissed the bootblack.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A farmer returning home late at night, found a man standing
+beside the house with a lighted lantern in his hand. "What are you
+doing here?" he asked, savagely, suspecting he had caught a
+criminal. For answer came a chuckle, and&mdash;"It's only mee,
+zur."</p>
+<p>The farmer recognized John, his shepherd.</p>
+<p>"It's you, John, is it? What on earth are you doing here this
+time o' night?"</p>
+<p>Another chuckle. "I'm a-coortin' Ann, zur."</p>
+<p>"And so you've come courting with a lantern, you fool. Why I
+never took a lantern when I courted your mistress."</p>
+<p>"No, zur, you didn't, zur," John chuckled. "We can all zee you
+didn't, zur."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The senator and the major were walking up the avenue. The
+senator was more than middle-aged and considerably more than fat,
+and, dearly as the major loved him, he also loved his joke.</p>
+<p>The senator turned with a pleased expression on his benign
+countenance and said, "Major, did you see that pretty girl smile at
+me?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, that's nothing," replied his friend. "The first time I saw
+you I laughed out loud!"&mdash;<i>Harper's Magazine</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Pat, thinking to enliven the party, stated, with watch in hand:
+"I'll presint a box of candy to the loidy that makes the homeliest
+face within the next three minutes."</p>
+<p>The time expired, Pat announced: "Ah, Mrs. McGuire, you get the
+prize."</p>
+<p>"But," protested Mrs. McGuire, "go way wid ye! I wasn't playin'
+at all."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>ARTHUR&mdash;"They say dear, that people who live together get
+to look alike."</p>
+<p>KATE&mdash;"Then you must consider my refusal as final."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In the negro car of a railway train in one of the gulf states a
+bridal couple were riding&mdash;a very light, rather good looking
+colored girl and a typical full blooded negro of possibly a
+reverted type, with receding forehead, protruding eyes, broad, flat
+nose very thick lips and almost no chin. He was positively and
+aggressively ugly.</p>
+<p>They had been married just before boarding the train and, like a
+good many of their white brothers and sisters, were very much
+interested in each other, regardless of the amusement of their
+neighbors. After various "billings and cooings" the man sank down
+in the seat and, resting his head on the lady's shoulder, looked
+soulfully up into her eyes.</p>
+<p>She looked fondly down upon him and after a few minutes murmured
+gently, "Laws, honey, ain't yo' shamed to be so han'some?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Little dabs of powder,</p>
+<p class="i4">Little specks of paint,</p>
+<p class="i2">Make my lady's freckles</p>
+<p class="i4">Look as if they ain't.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Mary A. Fairchild</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">He kissed her on the cheek,</p>
+<p class="i4">It seemed a harmless frolic;</p>
+<p class="i2">He's been laid up a week</p>
+<p class="i4">They say, with painter's colic.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>The Christian Register</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MOTHER (to inquisitive child)&mdash;"Stand aside. Don't you see
+the gentleman wants to take the lady's picture?"</p>
+<p>"Why does he want to?"&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One day, while walking with a friend in San Francisco, a
+professor and his companion became involved in an argument as to
+which was the handsomer man of the two. Not being able to arrive at
+a settlement of the question, they agreed, in a spirit of fun, to
+leave it to the decision of a Chinaman who was seen approaching
+them. The matter being laid before him, the Oriental considered
+long and carefully; then he announced in a tone of finality, "Both
+are worse."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What a homely woman!"</p>
+<p>"Sir, that is my wife. I'll have you understand it is a woman's
+privilege to be homely."</p>
+<p>"Gee, then she abused the privilege."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Beauty is worse than wine; it intoxicates both the holder and
+the beholder.&mdash;<i>Zimmermann</i>.</p>
+<a name="H066" id="H066"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BEDS</h3>
+<p>A western politician tells the following story as illustrating
+the inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of
+the country.</p>
+<p>Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota,
+where he was to make a speech the following day, he found that the
+so-called hotel was crowded to the doors. Not having telegraphed
+for accommodations, the politician discovered that he would have to
+make shift as best he could. Accordingly, he was obliged for that
+night to sleep on a wire cot which had only some blankets and a
+sheet on it. As the politician is an extremely fat man, he found
+his improvised bed anything but comfortable.</p>
+<p>"How did you sleep?" asked a friend in the morning.</p>
+<p>"Fairly well," answered the fat man, "but I looked like a waffle
+when I got up."</p>
+<a name="H067" id="H067"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BEER</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A man to whom illness was chronic,</p>
+<p class="i2">When told that he needed a tonic,</p>
+<p class="i4">Said, "O Doctor dear,</p>
+<p class="i4">Won't you please make it beer?"</p>
+<p class="i2">"No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H068" id="H068"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BEES</h3>
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy
+Bee'?"</p>
+<p>TOMMY&mdash;"No; I only know he doth it!"</p>
+<a name="H069" id="H069"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BEETLES</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Now doth the frisky June Bug</p>
+<p class="i4">Bring forth his aeroplane,</p>
+<p class="i2">And try to make a record,</p>
+<p class="i4">And busticate his brain!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">He bings against the mirror,</p>
+<p class="i4">He bangs against the door,</p>
+<p class="i2">He caroms on the ceiling,</p>
+<p class="i4">And turtles on the floor!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">He soars aloft, erratic,</p>
+<p class="i4">He lands upon my neck,</p>
+<p class="i2">And makes me creep and shiver,</p>
+<p class="i4">A neurasthenic wreck!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Charles Irvin Junkin</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H070" id="H070"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BEGGING</h3>
+<p>THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)&mdash;"Poor man! And
+are you married?"</p>
+<p>BEGGAR&mdash;"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on
+total strangers for support if I had a wife?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MAN&mdash;"Is there any reason why I should give you five
+cents?"</p>
+<p>BOY&mdash;"Well, if I had a nice high hat like yours I wouldn't
+want it soaked with snowballs."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MILLIONAIRE (to ragged beggar)&mdash;"You ask alms and do not
+even take your hat off. Is that the proper way to beg?"</p>
+<p>BEGGAR&mdash;"Pardon me, sir. A policeman is looking at us from
+across the street. If I take my hat off he'll arrest me for
+begging; as it is, he naturally takes us for old friends."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Once, while Bishop Talbot, the giant "cowboy bishop," was
+attending a meeting of church dignitaries in St. Paul, a tramp
+accosted a group of churchmen in the hotel porch and asked for
+aid.</p>
+<p>"No," one of them told him, "I'm afraid we can't help you. But
+you see that big man over there?" pointing to Bishop Talbot.</p>
+<p>"Well, he's the youngest bishop of us all, and he's a very
+generous man. You might try him."</p>
+<p>The tramp approached Bishop Talbot confidently. The others
+watched with interest. They saw a look of surprise come over the
+tramp's face. The bishop was talking eagerly. The tramp looked
+troubled. And then, finally, they saw something pass from one hand
+to the other. The tramp tried to slink past the group without
+speaking, but one of them called to him:</p>
+<p>"Well, did you get something from our young brother?"</p>
+<p>The tramp grinned sheepishly. "No," he admitted, "I gave him a
+dollar for his damned new cathedral at Laramie!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">To get thine ends, lay bashfulnesse aside;</p>
+<p class="i2">Who feares to aske, doth teach to be deny'd.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Herrick</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Well, whiles I am a beggar I will rail</p>
+<p class="i2">And say, there is no sin but to be rich;</p>
+<p class="i2">And being rich, my virtue then shall be</p>
+<p class="i2">To say, there is no vice but beggary.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Flattery; Millionaires.</p>
+<a name="H071" id="H071"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BETTING</h3>
+<p>The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting.</p>
+<p>"I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can
+fire twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly
+without waiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars that I
+can."</p>
+<p>"Done!" cried a major.</p>
+<p>The whole mess was on hand early next morning to see the
+experiment tried.</p>
+<p>The lieutenant fired.</p>
+<p>"Miss," he calmly announced.</p>
+<p>A second shot.</p>
+<p>"Miss," he repeated.</p>
+<p>A third shot.</p>
+<p>"Miss."</p>
+<p>"Here, there! Hold on!" protested the major. "What are you
+trying to do? You're not shooting for the target at all."</p>
+<p>"Of course not," admitted the lieutenant. "I'm firing for those
+cigars." And he got them.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two old cronies went into a drug store in the downtown part of
+New York City, and, addressing the proprietor by his first name,
+one of them said:</p>
+<p>"Dr. Charley, we have made a bet of the ice-cream sodas. We will
+have them now and when the bet is decided the loser will drop in
+and pay for them."</p>
+<p>As the two old fellows were departing after enjoying their
+temperance beverage, the druggist asked them what the wager
+was.</p>
+<p>"Well," said one of them, "our friend George bets that when the
+tower of the Singer Building falls, it will topple over toward the
+North River, and I bet that it won't."</p>
+<a name="H072" id="H072"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BIBLE INTERPRETATION</h3>
+<p>"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my
+papa's got?" asked Percy of his governess.</p>
+<p>"Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?"</p>
+<p>"Well, it says here that the Lord gave Moses two tablets."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Mr. Preacher," said a white man to a colored minister who was
+addressing his congregation, "you are talking about Cain, and you
+say he got married in the land of Nod, after he killed Abel. But
+the Bible mentions only Adam and Eve as being on earth at that
+time. Who, then, did Cain marry?"</p>
+<p>The colored preacher snorted with unfeigned contempt. "Huh!" he
+said, "you hear dat, brederen an' sisters? You hear dat fool
+question I am axed? Cain, he went to de land o' Nod just as de Good
+Book tells us, an' in de land o' Nod Cain gits so lazy an' so
+shif'less dat he up an' marries a gal o' one o' dem no' count pore
+white trash families dat de inspired apostle didn't consider
+fittin' to mention in de Holy Word."</p>
+<a name="H073" id="H073"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BIGAMY</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There once was an old man of Lyme.</p>
+<p class="i2">Who married three wives at a time:</p>
+<p class="i4">When asked, "Why a third?"</p>
+<p class="i4">He replied, "One's absurd!</p>
+<p class="i2">And bigamy, sir, is a crime."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H074" id="H074"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BILLS</h3>
+<p>The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised
+to "When there's a bill we're away."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>YOUNG DOCTOR&mdash;"Why do you always ask your patients what
+they have for dinner?"</p>
+<p>OLD DOCTOR&mdash;"It's a most important question, for according
+to their menus I make out my bills."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher,
+hired him to drive her to the various points of interest around the
+country. He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving
+such items of information as he possessed.</p>
+<p>The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be
+necessary for you to talk."</p>
+<p>When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge
+marked "Extra."</p>
+<p>"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item.</p>
+<p>"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it,
+but when I do I charge for it."&mdash;<i>E. Egbert</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>PATIENT (<i>angrily</i>)&mdash;"The size of your bill makes my
+blood boil."</p>
+<p>DOCTOR&mdash;"Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your
+system."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five
+doctors were in consultation as to the best means of producing a
+perspiration.</p>
+<p>The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for
+a few moments, he turned his head toward the group and whispered
+with a dry chuckle:</p>
+<p>"Just send in your bills, gentlemen; that will bring it on at
+once."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Thank Heaven, those bills are got rid of," said Bilkins,
+fervently, as he tore up a bundle of statements of account dated
+October 1st.</p>
+<p>"All paid, eh?" said Mrs. Bilkins.</p>
+<p>"Oh, no," said Bilkins. "The duplicates dated November 1st have
+come in and I don't have to keep these any longer."</p>
+<a name="H075" id="H075"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BIRTHDAYS</h3>
+<p>When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman
+has a birthday she takes a year off.</p>
+<a name="H076" id="H076"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BLUFFING</h3>
+<p>Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he
+was a member of a company playing "She Stoops to Conquer," a man
+without any money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the
+box-office in a small town and said:</p>
+<p>"Pass me in, please."</p>
+<p>The box-office man gave a loud, harsh laugh.</p>
+<p>"Pass you in? What for?" he asked.</p>
+<p>The applicant drew himself up and answered haughtily:</p>
+<p>"What for? Why, because I am Oliver Goldsmith, author of the
+play."</p>
+<p>"Oh, I beg your pardon, sir," replied the box-office man, as he
+hurriedly wrote out an order for a box.</p>
+<a name="H077" id="H077"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BLUNDERS</h3>
+<p>An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young
+woman with a determined air. She addressed the first salesman she
+saw. "I want to look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra
+magnifying power."</p>
+<p>"Yes, ma'am," replied the salesman; "something very strong?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful
+blunder which I never want to repeat."</p>
+<p>"Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?"</p>
+<p>"No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a
+black-berry."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The ship doctor of an English liner notified the death watch
+steward, an Irishman, that a man had died in stateroom 45. The
+usual instructions to bury the body were given. Some hours later
+the doctor peeked into the room and found that the body was still
+there. He called the Irishman's attention to the matter and the
+latter replied:</p>
+<p>"I thought you said room 46. I wint to that room and noticed wan
+of thim in a bunk. 'Are ye dead?' says I. 'No,' says he, 'but I'm
+pretty near dead.'</p>
+<p>"So I buried him."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Telephone girls sometimes glory in their mistakes if there is a
+joke in consequence. The story is told by a telephone operator in
+one of the Boston exchanges about a man who asked her for the
+number of a local theater.</p>
+<p>He got the wrong number and, without asking to whom he was
+talking, he said, "Can I get a box for two to-night?"</p>
+<p>A startled voice answered him at the other end of the line, "We
+don't have boxes for two."</p>
+<p>"Isn't this the &mdash;&mdash; Theater?" he called crossly.</p>
+<p>"Why, no," was the answer, "this is an undertaking shop."</p>
+<p>He canceled his order for a "box for two."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A good Samaritan, passing an apartment house in the small hours
+of the morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the
+doorway.</p>
+<p>"What's the matter?" he asked, "Drunk?"</p>
+<p>"Yep."</p>
+<p>"Do you live in this house?"</p>
+<p>"Yep."</p>
+<p>"Do you want me to help you upstairs?"</p>
+<p>"Yep."</p>
+<p>With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping
+figure up the stairway to the second floor.</p>
+<p>"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?"</p>
+<p>"Yep."</p>
+<p>Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for
+a companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door
+he came to and pushed the limp figure in.</p>
+<p>The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was
+passing through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim
+outlines of another man, apparently in worse condition than the
+first one.</p>
+<p>"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?"</p>
+<p>"Yep," was the feeble reply.</p>
+<p>"Do you live in this house, too?"</p>
+<p>"Yep."</p>
+<p>"Shall I help you upstairs?"</p>
+<p>"Yep."</p>
+<p>The good Samaritan pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second
+floor, where this man also said he lived. He opened the same door
+and pushed him in.</p>
+<p>As he reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third
+man, evidently worse off than either of the other two. He was about
+to approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into
+the street and threw himself into the arms of a passing
+policeman.</p>
+<p>"For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he gasped, "protect me from that
+man. He's done nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n
+throw me down th' elevator shaf."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young man from the city,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who met what he thought was a kitty;</p>
+<p class="i4">He gave it a pat,</p>
+<p class="i4">And said, "Nice little cat!"</p>
+<p class="i2">And they buried his clothes out of pity.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H078" id="H078"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BOASTING</h3>
+<p>Maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar in the
+world couldn't if he tried.</p>
+<p>"What sort of chap is he?"</p>
+<p>"Well, after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tell you
+he 'gave a little dinner to an acquaintance of his.'"&mdash;<i>R.R.
+Kirk</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>WILLIE&mdash;"All the stores closed on the day my uncle
+died."</p>
+<p>TOMMY&mdash;"That's nothing. All the banks closed for three
+weeks the day after my pa left town."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one:</p>
+<p>"My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big that when
+he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cows he kisses us
+all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the following
+Saturday."</p>
+<p>"Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked.</p>
+<p>"Because the barn is so far away from the house."</p>
+<p>"Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to my
+father's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger
+than a city lot!"</p>
+<p>"Why, how big is your father's farm?"</p>
+<p>"Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couples
+out to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought back by
+their grandchildren."</p>
+<a name="H079" id="H079"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BONANZAS</h3>
+<p>A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine
+speculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussing the
+subject of his speculation, when one of them said to this Western
+member:</p>
+<p>"Old chap, as an expert, give us a definition of the term,
+'bonanza.'"</p>
+<p>"A 'bonanza,'" replied the Western man with emphasis, "is a hole
+in the ground owned by a champion liar!"</p>
+<a name="H080" id="H080"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BOOKKEEPING</h3>
+<p>Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays, and at
+his father's request produced his account book, duly kept at
+school. Among the items "S. P. G." figured largely and frequently.
+"Darling boy," fondly exclaimed his doting mamma: "see how good he
+is&mdash;always giving to the missionaries." But Tommy's sister
+knew him better than even his mother did, and took the first
+opportunity of privately inquiring what those mystic letters stood
+for. Nor was she surprised ultimately to find that they
+represented, not the venerable Society for the Propagation of the
+Gospel, but "Sundries, Probably Grub."</p>
+<a name="H081" id="H081"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BOOKS AND READING</h3>
+<p>LADY PRESIDENT&mdash;"What book has helped you most?"</p>
+<p>NEW MEMBER&mdash;"My husband's check-book."&mdash;<i>Martha
+Young</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"You may send me up the complete works of Shakespeare, Goethe
+and Emerson&mdash;also something to read."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There are three classes of bookbuyers: Collectors, women and
+readers.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The owner of a large library solemnly warned a friend against
+the practice of lending books. To punctuate his advice he showed
+his friend the well-stocked shelves. "There!" said he. "Every one
+of those books was lent me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in
+literature, the oldest.&mdash;<i>Bulwer-Lytton</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Learning hath gained most by those books by which the Printers
+have lost.&mdash;<i>Fuller</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Books should to one of these four ends conduce,</p>
+<p class="i2">For wisdom, piety, delight, or use.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Sir John Denham</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A darky meeting another coming from the library with a book
+accosted him as follows:</p>
+<p>"What book you done got there, Rastus?"</p>
+<p>"'Last Days of Pompeii.'"</p>
+<p>"Last days of Pompey? Is Pompey dead? I never heard about it.
+Now what did Pompey die of?"</p>
+<p>"I don't 'xactly know, but it must hab been some kind of
+'ruption."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I don't know what to give Lizzie for a Christmas present," one
+chorus girl is reported to have said to her mate while discussing
+the gift to be made to a third.</p>
+<p>"Give her a book," suggested the other.</p>
+<p>And the first one replied meditatively, "No, she's got a
+book."&mdash;<i>Literary Digest</i>.</p>
+<a name="H082" id="H082"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING</h3>
+<p>A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending
+orders:</p>
+<table summary="AS ORDERED-CORRECT TITLE" align="center" width=
+"80%">
+<tr>
+<td align="center">AS ORDERED</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td align="center">CORRECT TITLE</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">Lame as a Roble</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td class="caption">Les Mis&eacute;rables</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">God's Image in Mud</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td class="caption">God's Image in Man</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">Pair of Saucers</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td class="caption">Paracelsus</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">Pierre and His Poodle</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td class="caption">Pierre and His People</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When a customer in a Boston department store asked a clerk for
+Hichens's <i>Bella Donna</i>, the reply was, "Drug counter, third
+aisle over."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was a few days before Christmas in one of New York's large
+book-stores.</p>
+<p>CLERK&mdash;"What is it, please?"</p>
+<p>CUSTOMER&mdash;"I would like Ibsen's <i>A Doll's House</i>."</p>
+<p>CLERK&mdash;"To cut out?"</p>
+<a name="H083" id="H083"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BOOKWORMS</h3>
+<p>"A book-worm," said papa, "is a person who would rather read
+than eat, or it is a worm that would rather eat than read."</p>
+<a name="H084" id="H084"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BOOMERANGS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Repartee; Retaliation.</p>
+<a name="H085" id="H085"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BORES</h3>
+<p>"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just
+mentioned? I don't believe I have met him."</p>
+<p>"Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of
+them looks bored to death, the other is
+Gabbleton."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man who was a well known killjoy was described as a great
+athlete. He could throw a wet blanket two hundred yards in any
+gathering.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See</i> also Conversation; Husbands; Preaching; Public
+speakers; Reformers.</p>
+<a name="H086" id="H086"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BORROWERS</h3>
+<p>A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been
+a power in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the
+Pontchartrain Hotel and said:</p>
+<p>"What do you think? I have just received the prize insult of my
+life. A paper down in Muncie, Ind., offered me a job."</p>
+<p>"Do you call that an insult?"</p>
+<p>"Not the job, but the salary. They offered me twelve dollars a
+week."</p>
+<p>"Well," said the friend, "twelve dollars a week is better than
+nothing."</p>
+<p>"Twelve a week&mdash;thunder!" exclaimed the old scribe. "I can
+borrow more than that right here in Detroit."&mdash;<i>Detroit Free
+Press</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One winter morning Henry Clay, finding himself in need of money,
+went to the Riggs Bank and asked for the loan of $250 on his
+personal note. He was told that while his credit was perfectly
+good, it was the inflexible rule of the bank to require an
+indorser. The great statesman hunted up Daniel Webster and asked
+him to indorse the note.</p>
+<p>"With pleasure," said Webster. "But I need some money myself.
+Why not make your note for five hundred, and you and I will split
+it?"</p>
+<p>This they did. And to-day the note is in the Riggs
+Bank&mdash;unpaid.</p>
+<a name="H087" id="H087"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BOSSES</h3>
+<p>The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell.</p>
+<p>"Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to
+the door.</p>
+<p>"I want to see the boss of the house," replied the insurance
+agent. "Are you the boss?"</p>
+<p>"No," meekly returned the man who came to the door; "I'm only
+the husband of the boss. Step in, I'll call the boss."</p>
+<p>The insurance agent took a seat in the hall, and in a short time
+a tall dignified woman appeared.</p>
+<p>"So you want to see the boss?" repeated the woman. "Well, just
+step into the kitchen. This way, please. Bridget, this gentleman
+desires to see you."</p>
+<p>"Me th' boss!" exclaimed Bridget, when the insurance agent asked
+her the question. "Indade Oi'm not! Sure here comes th' boss
+now."</p>
+<p>She pointed to a small boy of ten years who was coming toward
+the house.</p>
+<p>"Tell me," pleaded the insurance agent, when the lad came into
+the kitchen, "are you the boss of the house?"</p>
+<p>"Want to see the boss?" asked the boy. "Well, you just come with
+me."</p>
+<p>Wearily the insurance agent climbed up the stairs. He was
+ushered into a room on the second floor and guided to the crib of a
+sleeping baby.</p>
+<p>"There!" exclaimed the boy, "that's the real boss of this
+house."</p>
+<a name="H088" id="H088"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BOSTON</h3>
+<p>A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his
+lonely cabin in the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful
+and happy." "Yes," replied the one of the pick and shovel. "I spent
+a week in Boston once, and no matter what happens to me now, it
+seems good luck in comparison."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A little Boston girl with exquisitely long golden curls and
+quite an angelic appearance in general, came in from an afternoon
+walk with her nurse and said to her mother, "Oh, Mamma, a strange
+woman on the street said to me, 'My, but ain't you got beautiful
+hair!'"</p>
+<p>The mother smiled, for the compliment was well merited, but she
+gasped as the child innocently continued her account:</p>
+<p>"I said to her, 'I am very glad to have you like my hair, but I
+am sorry to hear you use the word "ain't"!'"&mdash;<i>E. R.
+Bickford</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>NAN&mdash;"That young man from Boston is an interesting talker,
+so far as you can understand what he says; but what a queer dialect
+he uses."</p>
+<p>FAN&mdash;"That isn't dialect; it's vocabulary. Can't you tell
+the difference?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter's gate he was
+asked the usual questions:</p>
+<p>"What is your name, and where are you from?"</p>
+<p>The answer was, "Mr. So-and-So, from Boston."</p>
+<p>"You may come in," said Peter, "but I know you won't like
+it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young lady from Boston,</p>
+<p class="i2">A two-horned dilemma was tossed on,</p>
+<p class="i4">As to which was the best,</p>
+<p class="i4">To be rich in the west</p>
+<p class="i2">Or poor and peculiar in Boston.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H089" id="H089"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BOXING</h3>
+<p>John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving
+boxing lessons.</p>
+<p>"Well, son, I tried it once," replied Mr. Sullivan. "A husky
+young man took one lesson from me and went home a little the worse
+for wear. When he came around for his second lesson he said: 'Mr
+Sullivan, it was my idea to learn enough about boxing from you to
+be able to lick a certain young gentleman what I've got it in for.
+But I've changed my mind,' says he. 'If it's all the same to you,
+Mr. Sullivan, I'll send this young gentleman down here to take the
+rest of my lessons for me.'"</p>
+<a name="H090" id="H090"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BOYS</h3>
+<p>A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical
+advent of earthquakes. One year before the season of these
+terrestrial disturbances, Mr. X., who lived in the danger zone,
+sent his two sons to the home of a brother in England, to secure
+them from the impending havoc.</p>
+<p>Evidently the quiet of the staid English household was disturbed
+by the irruption of the two West Indians, for the returning mail
+steamer carried a message to Mr. X., brief but emphatic:</p>
+<p>"Take back your boys; send me the earthquake."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Aunt Eliza came up the walk and said to her small nephew: "Good
+morning, Willie. Is your mother in?"</p>
+<p>"Sure she's in," replied Willie truculently. "D'you s'pose I'd
+be workin' in the garden on Saturday morning if she wasn't?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An iron hoop bounded through the area railings of a suburban
+house and played havoc with the kitchen window. The woman waited,
+anger in her eyes, for the appearance of the hoop's owner.
+Presently he came.</p>
+<p>"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and here's Father
+to mend it."</p>
+<p>And, sure enough, he was followed by a stolid-looking workman,
+who at once started to work, while the small boy took his hoop and
+ran off.</p>
+<p>"That'll be four bits, ma'am," announced the glazier when the
+window was whole once more.</p>
+<p>"Four bits!" gasped the woman. "But your little boy broke
+it&mdash;the little fellow with the hoop, you know. You're his
+father, aren't you?"</p>
+<p>The stolid man shook his head.</p>
+<p>"Don't know him from Adam," he said. "He came around to my place
+and told me his mother wanted her winder fixed. You're his mother,
+aren't you?"</p>
+<p>And the woman shook her head also.&mdash;<i>Ray Trum
+Nathan</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Egotism; Employers and employees; Office
+boys.</p>
+<a name="H091" id="H091"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BREAKFAST FOODS</h3>
+<p>Pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted
+ears of corn.</p>
+<p>"You are going to invent a new kind of breakfast food,"
+interpreted Joseph.&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<a name="H092" id="H092"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BREATH</h3>
+<p>One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology.
+She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the
+body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said:</p>
+<p>"Yes'm, when it is a cold day I can see the smoke."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Said the bibulous gentleman who had been reading birth and death
+statistics: "Do you know, James, every time I breathe a man
+dies?"</p>
+<p>"Then," said James, "why don't you chew cloves?"</p>
+<a name="H093" id="H093"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BREVITY</h3>
+<p>An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity
+of the Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat
+down.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A negro servant, on being ordered to announce visitors to a
+dinner party, was directed to call out in a loud, distinct voice
+their names. The first to arrive was the Fitzgerald family,
+numbering eight persons. The negro announced Major Fitzgerald, Miss
+Fitzgerald, Master Fitzgerald, and so on.</p>
+<p>This so annoyed the master that he went to the negro and said,
+"Don't announce each person like that; say something shorter."</p>
+<p>The next to arrive were Mr. and Mrs. Penny and their daughter.
+The negro solemnly opened the door and called out, "Thrupence!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Dr. Abernethy, the famous Scotch surgeon, was a man of few
+words, but he once met his match&mdash;in a woman. She called at
+his office in Edinburgh, one day, with a hand badly inflamed and
+swollen. The following dialogue, opened by the doctor, took
+place.</p>
+<p>"Burn?"</p>
+<p>"Bruise."</p>
+<p>"Poultice."</p>
+<p>The next day the woman called, and the dialogue was as
+follows:</p>
+<p>"Better?"</p>
+<p>"Worse."</p>
+<p>"More poultice."</p>
+<p>Two days later the woman made another call.</p>
+<p>"Better?"</p>
+<p>"Well. Fee?"</p>
+<p>"Nothing. Most sensible woman I ever saw."</p>
+<a name="H094" id="H094"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BRIBERY</h3>
+<p>A judge, disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an
+agreement in a perfectly evident case, rose and said, "I discharge
+this jury."</p>
+<p>One sensitive talesman, indignant at what he considered a
+rebuke, obstinately faced the judge.</p>
+<p>"You can't discharge me," he said in tones of one standing upon
+his rights.</p>
+<p>"And why not?" asked the surprised judge.</p>
+<p>"Because," announced the juror, pointing to the lawyer for the
+defense, "I'm being hired by that man there!"</p>
+<a name="H095" id="H095"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BRIDES</h3>
+<p>"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk
+from the dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed
+that there's never cream on this milk?"</p>
+<p>"I spoke to the milkman about it," she replied, "and he
+explained that the company always fill their bottles so full that
+there's no room for cream on top."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Do you think only of me?" murmured the bride. "Tell me that you
+think only of me."</p>
+<p>"It's this way," explained the groom gently. "Now and then I
+have to think of the furnace, my dear."</p>
+<a name="H096" id="H096"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BRIDGE WHIST</h3>
+<p>"How about the sermon?"</p>
+<p>"The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at
+bridge."</p>
+<p>"You don't say! Did he mention any names?"</p>
+<a name="H097" id="H097"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BROOKLYN</h3>
+<p>At the Brooklyn Bridge.&mdash;"Madam, do you want to go to
+Brooklyn?"</p>
+<p>"No, I have to."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H098" id="H098"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS</h3>
+<p>Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ
+Clark's friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch
+fobs so popular during the election. On being asked the reason for
+this, Champ replied: "Oh, that's to keep my watch running."</p>
+<a name="H099" id="H099"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BUILDINGS</h3>
+<p>Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New
+York.</p>
+<p>"Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?"
+asked the parish priest.</p>
+<p>"Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last
+one I worked on we had to lay on our stomachs to let the moon
+pass."</p>
+<a name="H100" id="H100"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BURGLARS</h3>
+<p>A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of
+stowing a good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a
+touch on the shoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a
+venerable, mild-eyed clergyman gazing sadly at him.</p>
+<p>"Oh, my brother," groaned the reverend gentleman, "wouldst thou
+rob me? Turn, I beseech thee&mdash;turn from thy evil ways. Return
+those stolen goods and depart in peace, for I am merciful and
+forgive. Begone!"</p>
+<p>And the burglar, only too thankful at not being given into
+custody of the police, obeyed and slunk swiftly off.</p>
+<p>Then the good old man carefully and quietly packed the swag into
+another bag and walked softly (so as not to disturb the slumber of
+the inmates) out of the house and away into the silent night.</p>
+<a name="H101" id="H101"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BUSINESS</h3>
+<p>A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin,
+while cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought
+forth the following:</p>
+<p>"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir."</p>
+<p>"Do you drink yourself?"</p>
+<p>"That's <i>my</i> business!" angrily.</p>
+<p>Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: "Have you any other
+business?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At the Boston Immigration Station one blank was recently filled
+out as follows:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Name&mdash;Abraham Cherkowsky.</p>
+<p class="i4">Born&mdash;Yes.</p>
+<p class="i4">Business&mdash;Rotten.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H102" id="H102"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BUSINESS ENTERPRISE</h3>
+<p>It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same
+block. One morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a
+big sign&mdash;"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left&mdash;"Closing Out
+at Cost." Twenty minutes later there appeared over his own door, in
+larger letters, "Main Entrance."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In a section of Washington where there are a number of hotels
+and cheap restaurants, one enterprising concern has displayed in
+great illuminated letters, "Open All Night." Next to it was a
+restaurant bearing with equal prominence the legend:</p>
+<p>"We Never Close."</p>
+<p>Third in order was a Chinese laundry in a little, low-framed,
+tumbledown hovel, and upon the front of this building was the sign,
+in great, scrawling letters:</p>
+<p>"Me wakee, too."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A boy looking for something to do saw the sign "Boy Wanted"
+hanging outside of a store in New York. He picked up the sign and
+entered the store.</p>
+<p>The proprietor met him. "What did you bring that sign in here
+for?" asked the storekeeper.</p>
+<p>"You won't need it any more," said the boy cheerfully. "I'm
+going to take the job."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Chinaman found his wife lying dead in a field one morning; a
+tiger had killed her.</p>
+<p>The Chinaman went home, procured some arsenic, and, returning to
+the field, sprinkled it over the corpse.</p>
+<p>The next day the tiger's dead body lay beside the woman's. The
+Chinaman sold the tiger's skin to a mandarin, and its body to a
+physician to make fear-cure powders, and with the proceeds he was
+able to buy a younger wife.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A rather simple-looking lad halted before a blacksmith's shop on
+his way home from school and eyed the doings of the proprietor with
+much interest.</p>
+<p>The brawny smith, dissatisfied with the boy's curiosity, held a
+piece of red-hot iron suddenly under the youngster's nose, hoping
+to make him beat a hasty retreat.</p>
+<p>"If you'll give me half a dollar I'll lick it," said the
+lad.</p>
+<p>The smith took from his pocket half a dollar and held it
+out.</p>
+<p>The simple-looking youngster took the coin, licked it, dropped
+it in his pocket and slowly walked away whistling.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Do you know where Johnny Locke lives, my little boy?" asked a
+gentle-voiced old lady.</p>
+<p>"He aint home, but if you give me a penny I'll find him for you
+right off," replied the lad.</p>
+<p>"All right, you're a nice little boy. Now where is he?"</p>
+<p>"Thanks&mdash;I'm him."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"From each according to his ability, to each according to his
+need," would seem to be the principle of the Chinese storekeeper
+whom a traveler tells about. The Chinaman asked $2.50 for five
+pounds of tea, while he demanded $7.50 for ten pounds of the same
+brand. His business philosophy was expressed in these words of
+explanation: "More buy, more rich&mdash;more rich, more can
+pay!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In a New York street a wagon loaded with lamp globes collided
+with a truck and many of the globes were smashed. Considerable
+sympathy was felt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the
+shattered fragments. A benevolent-looking old gentleman eyed him
+compassionately.</p>
+<p>"My poor man," he said, "I suppose you will have to make good
+this loss out of your own pocket?"</p>
+<p>"Yep," was the melancholy reply.</p>
+<p>"Well, well," said the philanthropic old gentleman, "hold out
+your hat&mdash;here's a quarter for you; and I dare say some of
+these other people will give you a helping hand too."</p>
+<p>The driver held out his hat and several persons hastened to drop
+coins in it. At last, when the contributions had ceased, he emptied
+the contents of his hat into his pocket. Then, pointing to the
+retreating figure of the philanthropist who had started the
+collection, he observed: "Say, maybe he ain't the wise guy! That's
+me boss!"</p>
+<a name="H103" id="H103"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BUSINESS ETHICS</h3>
+<p>"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and
+you pay your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?"</p>
+<p>"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly.</p>
+<p>"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.</p>
+<p>"No, ma'am, I know it ain't," said Johnny, "but they all do
+it."</p>
+<a name="H104" id="H104"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BUSINESS WOMEN</h3>
+<p>Wanted&mdash;A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object
+matrimony.</p>
+<a name="H105" id="H105"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CAMPAIGNS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Candidates; Public speakers.</p>
+<a name="H106" id="H106"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CAMPING</h3>
+<p>Camp life is just one canned thing after another.</p>
+<a name="H107" id="H107"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CANDIDATES</h3>
+<p>"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my
+name as a candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring
+parish to speak," said Private John Allen recently to some friends
+at the old Metropolitan Hotel in Washington.</p>
+<p>"An old darky came up to greet me after the meeting. 'Marse
+Allen,' he said, 'I's powerful glad to see you. I's known ob you
+sense you was a babby. Knew yoh pappy long befo' you-all wuz bohn,
+too. He used to hold de same office you got now. I 'members how he
+held dat same office fo' years an' years.'</p>
+<p>"'What office do you mean, uncle?' I asked, as I never knew pop
+held any office.</p>
+<p>"'Why, de office ob candidate, Marse John; yoh pappy was
+candidate fo' many years.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A good story is told on the later Senator Vance. He was
+traveling down in North Carolina, when he met an old darky one
+Sunday morning. He had known the old man for many years, so he took
+the liberty of inquiring where he was going.</p>
+<p>"I am, sah, pedestrianin' my appointed way to de tabernacle of
+de Lord."</p>
+<p>"Are you an Episcopalian?" inquired Vance.</p>
+<p>"No, sah, I can't say dat I am an Epispokapillian."</p>
+<p>"Maybe you are a Baptist?"</p>
+<p>"No, sah, I can't say dat I's ever been buried wid de Lord in de
+waters of baptism."</p>
+<p>"Oh, I see you are a Methodist."</p>
+<p>"No, sah, I can't say dat I's one of dose who hold to argyments
+of de faith of de Medodists."</p>
+<p>"What are you, then, uncle?"</p>
+<p>"I's a Presbyterian, Marse Zeb, just de same as you is."</p>
+<p>"Oh nonsense, uncle, you don't mean to say that you subscribe to
+all the articles of the Presbyterian faith?"</p>
+<p>"'Deed I do sah."</p>
+<p>"Do you believe in the doctrine of election to be saved?"</p>
+<p>"Yas, sah, I b'lieve in the doctrine of 'lection most firmly and
+un'quivactin'ly."</p>
+<p>"Well then tell me do you believe that I am elected to be
+saved?"</p>
+<p>The old darky hesitated. There was undoubtedly a terrific
+struggle going on in his mind between his veracity and his desire
+to be polite to the Senator. Finally he compromised by saying:</p>
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you how it is, Marse Zeb. You see I's never
+heard of anybody bein' 'lected to anything for what they wasn't a
+candidate. Has you, sah?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A political office in a small town was vacant. The office paid
+$250 a year and there was keen competition for it. One of the
+candidates, Ezekiel Hicks, was a shrewd old fellow, and a neat
+campaign fund was turned over to him. To the astonishment of all,
+however, he was defeated.</p>
+<p>"I can't account for it," said one of the leaders of Hicks'
+party, gloomily.</p>
+<p>"With that money we should have won. How did you lay it out,
+Ezekiel."</p>
+<p>"Well," said Ezekiel, slowly pulling his whiskers, "yer see that
+office only pays $250 a year salary, an' I didn't see no sense in
+paying $900 out to get the office, so I bought a little truck farm
+instead."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The little daughter of a Democratic candidate for a local office
+in Saratoga County, New York, when told that her father had got the
+nomination, cried out, "Oh, mama, do they ever die of it?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I am willing," said the candidate, after he had hit the table a
+terrible blow with his fist, "to trust the people."</p>
+<p>"Gee!" yelled a little man in the audience. "I wish you'd open a
+grocery."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Now, Mr. Blank," said a temperance advocate to a candidate for
+municipal honors, "I want to ask you a question. Do you ever take
+alcoholic drinks?"</p>
+<p>"Before I answer the question," responded the wary
+candidate,</p>
+<p>"I want to know whether it is put as an inquiry or as an
+invitation!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Politicians.</p>
+<a name="H108" id="H108"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CANNING AND PRESERVING</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A canner, exceedingly canny,</p>
+<p class="i2">One morning remarked to his granny,</p>
+<p class="i4">"A canner can can</p>
+<p class="i4">Anything that he can;</p>
+<p class="i2">But a canner can't can a can, can he?"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;Carolyn Wells.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H109" id="H109"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CAPITALISTS</h3>
+<p>Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said:
+"Bishop Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his
+pulpit utterances. Once, during a disastrous strike, a capitalist
+of Fond du Lac arose in a church meeting and asked leave to speak.
+The bishop gave him the floor, and the man delivered himself of a
+long panegyric upon captains of industry, upon the good they do by
+giving men work, by booming the country, by reducing the cost of
+production, and so forth. When the capitalist had finished his
+self-praise and, flushed and satisfied, had sat down again, Bishop
+Grafton rose and said with quiet significance: 'Is there any other
+sinner that would like to say a word?'"</p>
+<a name="H110" id="H110"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CAREFULNESS</h3>
+<p>Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to
+the Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room.
+When the butler admitted him he said to Dugan:</p>
+<p>"You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just
+been polished."</p>
+<p>"They's no danger iv me slippin' on thim," replied Dugan. "I hov
+spikes in me shoes."&mdash;<i>Lippincott's</i>.</p>
+<a name="H111" id="H111"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CARPENTERS</h3>
+<p>While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had
+occasion to employ a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain
+Connecticut Yankee, without any frills.</p>
+<p>"You thoroughly understand carpentry?" asked the senator.</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir."</p>
+<p>"You can make doors, windows, and blinds?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes sir!"</p>
+<p>"How would you make a Venetian blind?"</p>
+<p>The man scratched his head and thought deeply for a few seconds.
+"I should think, sir," he said finally, "about the best way would
+be to punch him in the eye."</p>
+<a name="H112" id="H112"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CARVING</h3>
+<p>To Our National Birds&mdash;the Eagle and the
+Turkey&mdash;(while the host is carving):</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">May one give us peace in all our States,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the other a piece for all our plates.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H113" id="H113"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CASTE</h3>
+<p>In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the
+old style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers,
+banjoists, and other musicians on a platform at one end.</p>
+<p>At one such dance held not long ago in an Alabama town, when the
+fiddlers had duly resined their bows and taken their places on the
+platform, the floor manager rose.</p>
+<p>"Git yo' partners fo' de nex' dance!" he yelled. "All you ladies
+an' gennulmens dat wears shoes an' stockin's, take yo' places in de
+middle of de room. All you ladies an' gennulmens dat wears shoes
+an' no stockin's, take yo' places immejitly behim' dem. An' yo'
+barfooted crowd, you jes' jig it roun' in de
+corners."&mdash;<i>Taylor Edwards</i>.</p>
+<a name="H114" id="H114"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CATS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young lady whose dream</p>
+<p class="i2">Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream,</p>
+<p class="i4">But the cat with a bound</p>
+<p class="i4">Spilt the milk on the ground,</p>
+<p class="i2">So she fed a whipt cat on black cream.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There once were two cats in Kilkenny,</p>
+<p class="i2">And each cat thought that there was one cat too
+many,</p>
+<p class="i2">And they scratched and they fit and they tore and
+they bit,</p>
+<p class="i2">'Til instead of two cats&mdash;there weren't any.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H115" id="H115"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CAUSE AND EFFECT</h3>
+<p>Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He
+replied that once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and
+so sleepy all the afternoon that he determined never to do it
+again.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man who has an office downtown called his wife by telephone
+the other morning and during the conversation asked what the baby
+was doing.</p>
+<p>"She was crying her eyes out," replied the mother.</p>
+<p>"What about?"</p>
+<p>"I don't know whether it is because she has eaten too many
+strawberries or because she wants more," replied the discouraged
+mother.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>BANKS&mdash;"I had a new experience yesterday, one you might
+call unaccountable. I ate a hearty dinner, finishing up with a
+Welsh rabbit, a mince pie and some lobster &agrave; la Newburgh.
+Then I went to a place of amusement. I had hardly entered the
+building before everything swam before me."</p>
+<p>BINKS&mdash;"The Welsh rabbit did it."</p>
+<p>BUNKS&mdash;"No; it was the lobster."</p>
+<p>BONKS&mdash;"I think it was the mince pie."</p>
+<p>BANKS&mdash;"No; I have a simpler explanation than that. I never
+felt better in my life; I was at the
+Aquarium."&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Among a party of Bostonians who spent some time in a
+hunting-camp in Maine were two college professors. No sooner had
+the learned gentlemen arrived than their attention was attracted by
+the unusual position of the stove, which was set on posts about
+four feet high.</p>
+<p>This circumstance afforded one of the professors immediate
+opportunity to comment upon the knowledge that woodsmen gain by
+observation.</p>
+<p>"Now," said he, "this man has discovered that heat emanating
+from a stove strikes the roof, and that the circulation is so
+quickened that the camp is warmed in much less time than would be
+required were the stove in its regular place on the floor."</p>
+<p>But the other professor ventured the opinion that the stove was
+elevated to be above the window in order that cool and pure air
+could be had at night.</p>
+<p>The host, being of a practical turn, thought that the stove was
+set high in order that a good supply of green wood could be placed
+under it.</p>
+<p>After much argument, they called the guide and asked why the
+stove was in such a position.</p>
+<p>The man grinned. "Well, gents," he explained, "when I brought
+the stove up the river I lost most of the stove-pipe overboard; so
+we had to set the stove up that way so as to have the pipe reach
+through the roof."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Jack Barrymore, son of Maurice Barrymore, and himself an actor
+of some ability, is not over-particular about his personal
+appearance and is a little lazy.</p>
+<p>He was in San Francisco on the morning of the earthquake. He was
+thrown out of bed by one of the shocks, spun around on the floor
+and left gasping in a corner. Finally, he got to his feet and
+rushed for a bathtub, where he stayed all that day. Next day he
+ventured out. A soldier, with a bayonet on his gun, captured
+Barrymore and compelled him to pile bricks for two days.</p>
+<p>Barrymore was telling his terrible experience in the Lambs' Club
+in New York.</p>
+<p>"Extraordinary," commented Augustus Thomas, the playwright. "It
+took a convulsion of nature to make Jack take a bath, and the
+United States Army to make him go to work."</p>
+<a name="H116" id="H116"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CAUTION</h3>
+<p>Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the
+rounds several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious
+business man when he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a
+Lakewood hotel, he said:</p>
+<p>"Can you crack nuts?"</p>
+<p>"No, dear," the old lady replied. "I lost all my teeth ages
+ago."</p>
+<p>"Then," requested Master Field, extending two hands full of
+pecans, "please hold these while I go and get some more."</p>
+<a name="H117" id="H117"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAMPAGNE</h3>
+<p>MR. HILTON&mdash;"Have you opened that bottle of champagne,
+Bridget?"</p>
+<p>BRIDGET&mdash;"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open
+itself. Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two
+quarts instead of wan."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Sir Andrew Clark was Mr. Gladstone's physician, and was known to
+the great statesman as a "temperance doctor" who very rarely
+prescribed alcohol for his patients. On one occasion he surprised
+Mr. Gladstone by recommending him to take some wine. In answer to
+his illustrious patient's surprise he said:</p>
+<p>"Oh, wine does sometimes help you get through work! For
+instance, I have often twenty letters to answer after dinner, and a
+pint of champagne is a great help."</p>
+<p>"Indeed!" remarked Mr. Gladstone; "does a pint of champagne
+really help you to answer the twenty letters?"</p>
+<p>"No," Sir Andrew explained; "but when I've had a pint of
+champagne I don't care a rap whether I answer them or not."</p>
+<a name="H118" id="H118"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHARACTER</h3>
+<p>The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit
+was, moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked
+to one of his sons:</p>
+<p>"Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat
+Daniel?"</p>
+<p>"No sir. Why was it?"</p>
+<p>"Because the most of him was backbone and the rest was
+grit."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>They were trying an Irishman, charged with a petty offense, in
+an Oklahoma town, when the judge asked: "Have you any one in court
+who will vouch for your good character?"</p>
+<p>"Yis, your honor," quickly responded the Celt, "there's the
+sheriff there."</p>
+<p>Whereupon the sheriff evinced signs of great amazement.</p>
+<p>"Why, your honor," declared he, "I don't even know the man."</p>
+<p>"Observe, your honor," said the Irishman, triumphantly, "observe
+that I've lived in the country for over twelve years an' the
+sheriff doesn't know me yit! Ain't that a character for ye?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>We must have a weak spot or two in a character before we can
+love it much. People that do not laugh or cry, or take more of
+anything than is good for them, or use anything but
+dictionary-words, are admirable subjects for biographies. But we
+don't care most for those flat pattern flowers that press best in
+the herbarium.&mdash;<i>O.W. Holmes</i>.</p>
+<a name="H119" id="H119"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHARITY</h3>
+<p>"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature.
+A never sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Dr. C.H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman, at a
+recent banquet said of charity:</p>
+<p>"Too many of us, perhaps, misinterpret the meaning of charity as
+the master misinterpreted the Scriptural text. This master, a
+pillar of a western church, entered in his journal:</p>
+<p>"'The Scripture ordains that, if a man take away thy coat, let
+him have thy cloak also. To-day, having caught the hostler stealing
+my potatoes, I have given him the sack.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>THE LADY&mdash;"Well, I'll give you a dime; not because you
+deserve it, mind, but because it pleases me."</p>
+<p>THE TRAMP&mdash;"Thank you, mum. Couldn't yer make it a quarter
+an' thoroly enjoy yourself?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Porter Emerson came into the office yesterday. He had been out
+in the country for a week and was very cheerful. Just as he was
+leaving, he said: "Did you hear about that man who died the other
+day and left all he had to the orphanage?"</p>
+<p>"No," some one answered. "How much did he leave?"</p>
+<p>"Twelve children."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I made a mistake," said Plodding Pete. "I told that man up the
+road I needed a little help 'cause I was lookin' for me family from
+whom I had been separated fur years."</p>
+<p>"Didn't that make him come across?"</p>
+<p>"He couldn't see it. He said dat he didn't know my family, but
+he wasn't goin' to help in bringing any such trouble on 'em."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"It requires a vast deal of courage and charity to be
+philanthropic," remarked Sir Thomas Lipton, apropos of Andrew
+Carnegie's giving. "I remember when I was just starting in
+business. I was very poor and making every sacrifice to enlarge my
+little shop. My only assistant was a boy of fourteen, faithful and
+willing and honest. One day I heard him complaining, and with
+justice, that his clothes were so shabby that he was ashamed to go
+to chapel.</p>
+<p>"'There's no chance of my getting a new suit this year,' he told
+me. 'Dad's out of work, and it takes all of my wages to pay the
+rent.'</p>
+<p>"I thought the matter over, and then took a sovereign from my
+carefully hoarded savings and bought the boy a stout warm suit of
+blue cloth. He was so grateful that I felt repaid for my sacrifice.
+But the next day he didn't come to work. I met his mother on the
+street and asked her the reason.</p>
+<p>"'Why, Mr. Lipton,' she said, curtsying, 'Jimmie looks so
+respectable, thanks to you, sir, that I thought I would send him
+around town today to see if he couldn't get a better job.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Good morning, ma'am," began the temperance worker. "I'm
+collecting for the Inebriates' Home and&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Why, me husband's out," replied Mrs. McGuire, "but if ye can
+find him anywhere's ye're welcome to him."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Charity is a virtue of the heart, and not of the
+hands.&mdash;<i>Addison</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>You find people ready enough to do the Samaritan, without the
+oil and twopence.&mdash;<i>Sydney Smith</i>.</p>
+<a name="H120" id="H120"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHICAGO</h3>
+<p>A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a
+dozen copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to
+him at once.</p>
+<p>Within two days he received this reply by telegraph:</p>
+<p>"No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try
+Philadelphia."</p>
+<a name="H121" id="H121"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHICKEN STEALING</h3>
+<p>Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed
+of chickens he considered best, and he replied:</p>
+<p>"All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but
+de black ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Ida Black had retired from the most select colored circles for a
+brief space, on account of a slight difficulty connected with a
+gentleman's poultry-yard. Her mother was being consoled by a white
+friend.</p>
+<p>"Why, Aunt Easter, I was mighty sorry to hear about
+Ida&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Marse John, Ida ain't nuvver tuk dem chickens. Ida wouldn't do
+sich a thing! Ida wouldn't demeange herse'f to rob nobody's
+hen-roost&mdash;and, any way, dem old chickens warn't nothing't all
+but feathers when we picked 'em."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Does de white folks in youah neighborhood keep eny chickens,
+Br'er Rastus?"</p>
+<p>"Well, Br'er Johnsing, mebbe dey does keep a few."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Henry E. Dixey met a friend one afternoon on Broadway.</p>
+<p>"Well, Henry," exclaimed the friend, "you are looking fine! What
+do they feed you on?"</p>
+<p>"Chicken mostly," replied Dixey. "You see, I am rehearsing in a
+play where I am to be a thief, so, just by way of getting into
+training for the part I steal one of my own chickens every morning
+and have the cook broil it for me. I have accomplished the
+remarkable feat of eating thirty chickens in thirty consecutive
+days."</p>
+<p>"Great Scott!" exclaimed the friend. "Do you still like
+them?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, I do," replied Dixey; "and, what is better still, the
+chickens like me. Why they have got so when I sneak into the
+hen-house they all begin to cackle, 'I wish I was in
+Dixey.'"&mdash;<i>A. S. Hitchcock</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A southerner, hearing a great commotion in his chicken-house one
+dark night, took his revolver and went to investigate.</p>
+<p>"Who's there?" he sternly demanded, opening the door.</p>
+<p>No answer.</p>
+<p>"Who's there? Answer, or I'll shoot!"</p>
+<p>A trembling voice from the farthest corner:</p>
+<p>"'Deed, sah, dey ain't nobody hyah ceptin' us chickens."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A colored parson, calling upon one of his flock, found the
+object of his visit out in the back yard working among his
+hen-coops. He noticed with surprise that there were no
+chickens.</p>
+<p>"Why, Brudder Brown," he asked, "whar'r all yo' chickens?"</p>
+<p>"Huh," grunted Brother Brown without looking up, "some fool
+niggah lef de do' open an' dey all went home."</p>
+<a name="H122" id="H122"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHILD LABOR</h3>
+<p>"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!"</p>
+<p>"Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by
+yours truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to
+Alabama."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H123" id="H123"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHILDREN</h3>
+<p>Two weary parents once advertised:</p>
+<p>"WANTED, AT ONCE&mdash;Two fluent and well-learned persons, male
+or female, to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a
+boy of four; each to take four hours per day and rest the parents
+of said children."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Another couple advertised:</p>
+<p>"WANTED: A governess who is good stenographer, to take down the
+clever sayings of our child."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A boy twelve years old with an air of melancholy resignation,
+went to his teacher and handed in the following note from his
+mother before taking his seat:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Dear Sir: Please excuse James for not being present
+yesterday.</p>
+<p>"He played truant, but you needn't whip him for it, as the boy
+he played truant with and him fell out, and he licked James; and a
+man they threw stones at caught him and licked him; and the driver
+of a cart they hung onto licked him; and the owner of a cat they
+chased licked him. Then I licked him when he came home, after which
+his father licked him; and I had to give him another for being
+impudent to me for telling his father. So you need not lick him
+until next time.</p>
+<p>"He thinks he will attend regular in future."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MRS. POST&mdash;"But why adopt a baby when you have three
+children of your own under five years old?"</p>
+<p>MRS. PARKER&mdash;"My own are being brought up properly. The
+adopted one is to enjoy."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The neighbors of a certain woman in a New England town maintain
+that this lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the
+training of children. Local opinion ascribes these oddities on her
+part to the fact that she attended normal school for one year just
+before her marriage.</p>
+<p>Said one neighbor: "She does a lot of funny things. What do you
+suppose I heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon?"</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"I dunno. What was it?"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>"Well, you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with
+a hay-cutter; and this afternoon as I was goin' by the house I
+heard her say:</p>
+<p>"'Now, William, you must be a very good boy, for your father has
+injured his hand, and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip
+you.'"&mdash;<i>Edwin Tarrisse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Childhood has no forebodings; but then, it is soothed by no
+memories of outlived sorrow.&mdash;<i>George Eliot</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Better to be driven out from among men than to be disliked of
+children.&mdash;<i>R.H. Dana</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Boys; Families.</p>
+<a name="H124" id="H124"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHOICES</h3>
+<p>William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of
+an American officer who, by the kind permission of the British
+Government, was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His
+Majesty's battleships. Among other things that impressed the
+American was the vessel's Sunday morning service. It was very well
+attended, every sailor not on duty being there. At the conclusion
+of the service the American chanced to ask one of the jackies:</p>
+<p>"Are you obliged to attend these Sunday morning services?"</p>
+<p>"Not exactly obliged to, sir," replied the sailor-man, "but our
+grog would be stopped if we didn't, sir."&mdash;<i>Edwin
+Tarrisse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A well-known furniture dealer of a Virginia town wanted to give
+his faithful negro driver something for Christmas in recognition of
+his unfailing good humor in toting out stoves, beds, pianos,
+etc.</p>
+<p>"Dobson," he said, "you have helped me through some pretty tight
+places in the last ten years, and I want to give you something as a
+Christmas present that will be useful to you and that you will
+enjoy. Which do you prefer, a ton of coal or a gallon of good
+whiskey?"</p>
+<p>"Boss," Dobson replied, "Ah burns wood."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man hurried into a quick-lunch restaurant recently and called
+to the waiter: "Give me a ham sandwich."</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir," said the waiter, reaching for the sandwich; "will
+you eat it or take it with you?"</p>
+<p>"Both," was the unexpected but obvious reply.</p>
+<a name="H125" id="H125"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHOIRS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Singers.</p>
+<a name="H126" id="H126"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS</h3>
+<p>While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little
+man in the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his
+shoulder from time to time and squirmed and shifted about in his
+seat. At last, unable to stand it longer, he arose and demanded, in
+a high, penetrating voice, "Is there a Christian Scientist in this
+room?"</p>
+<p>A woman at the other side of the hall got up and said, "I am a
+Christian Scientist."</p>
+<p>"Well, then, madam," requested the little man, "would you mind
+changing seats with me? I'm sitting in a draft."</p>
+<a name="H127" id="H127"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHRISTIANS</h3>
+<p>At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and
+one of the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked
+him:</p>
+<p>"Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?"</p>
+<p>"No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink. But then, I
+am not a Christian."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A traveler who believed himself to be sole survivor of a
+shipwreck upon a cannibal isle hid for three days, in terror of his
+life. Driven out by hunger, he discovered a thin wisp of smoke
+rising from a clump of bushes inland, and crawled carefully to
+study the type of savages about it. Just as he reached the clump he
+heard a voice say: "Why in hell did you play that card?" He dropped
+on his knees and, devoutly raising his hands, cried:</p>
+<p>"Thank God they are Christians!"</p>
+<a name="H128" id="H128"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHRISTMAS GIFTS</h3>
+<p>"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas,
+Freddie," said his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a
+good little boy."</p>
+<p>Freddie read over the list, and then said:</p>
+<p>"Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?"</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">'Twas the month after Christmas,</p>
+<p class="i2">And Santa had flit;</p>
+<p class="i2">Came there tidings for father</p>
+<p class="i2">Which read: "Please remit!"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>R.L.F</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school
+teacher:</p>
+<p>"And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little
+brother for Christmas this year?"</p>
+<p>"I dunno," said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">For little children everywhere</p>
+<p class="i4">A joyous season still we make;</p>
+<p class="i2">We bring our precious gifts to them,</p>
+<p class="i4">Even for the dear child Jesus' sake.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Phebe Cary</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I will, if you will,</p>
+<p class="i4">devote my Christmas giving to the children and the
+needy,</p>
+<p class="i6">reserving only the privilege of, once in a while,</p>
+<p class="i8">giving to a dear friend a gift which then will
+have</p>
+<p class="i10">the old charm of being a genuine surprise.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I will, if you will,</p>
+<p class="i4">keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart, and,</p>
+<p class="i6">barring out hurry, worry, and competition,</p>
+<p class="i8">will consecrate the blessed season, in joy and
+love,</p>
+<p class="i10">to the One whose birth we celebrate.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Jane Porter Williams</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H129" id="H129"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHRONOLOGY</h3>
+<p>TOURIST&mdash;"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an
+ancient library in Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B.C.'"</p>
+<p>ENGLISHMAN&mdash;"Before Carnegie, I presume."</p>
+<a name="H130" id="H130"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHURCH ATTENDANCE</h3>
+<p>"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night."</p>
+<p>"New minister?"</p>
+<p>"No it was burned down."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I understand," said a young woman to another, "that at your
+church you are having such small congregations. Is that so?"</p>
+<p>"Yes," answered the other girl, "so small that every time our
+rector says 'Dearly Beloved' you feel as if you had received a
+proposal!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Are you a pillar of the church?"</p>
+<p>"No, I'm a flying buttress&mdash;I support it from the
+outside."</p>
+<a name="H131" id="H131"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHURCH DISCIPLINE</h3>
+<p>Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One
+day, while sitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking
+of a monk who had left the church and married, he observed, not
+without malice: "He has taken his punishment into his own
+hands."</p>
+<a name="H132" id="H132"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CIRCUS</h3>
+<p>A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the
+late W. C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most
+amusing features of the show-business; the faking in the
+"side-show."</p>
+<p>Coup was the owner of a small circus that boasted among its
+principal attractions a man-eating ape, alleged to be the largest
+in captivity. This ferocious beast was exhibited chained to the
+dead trunk of a tree in the side-show. Early in the day of the
+first performance of Coup's enterprise at a certain Ohio town, a
+countryman handed the man-eating ape a piece of tobacco, in the
+chewing of which the beast evinced the greatest satisfaction.</p>
+<p>The word was soon passed around that the ape would chew tobacco;
+and the result was that several plugs were thrown at him.
+Unhappily, however, one of these had been filled with cayenne
+pepper. The man-eating ape bit it; then, howling with indignation,
+snapped the chain that bound him to the tree, and made straight for
+the practical joker who had so cruelly deceived him.</p>
+<p>"Lave me at 'im!" yelled the ape. "Lave me at 'im, the dirty
+villain! I'll have the rube's loife, or me name ain't
+Magillicuddy!"</p>
+<p>Fortunately for the countryman and for Magillicuddy, too, the
+man-eating ape was restrained by the bystanders in time to prevent
+a killing.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Willie to the circus went,</p>
+<p class="i4">He thought it was immense;</p>
+<p class="i4">His little heart went pitter-pat,</p>
+<p class="i4">For the excitement was in tents.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">&mdash;<i>Harvard Lampoon</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A child of strict parents, whose greatest joy had hitherto been
+the weekly prayer-meeting, was taken by its nurse to the circus for
+the first time. When he came home he exclaimed:</p>
+<p>"Oh, Mama, if you once went to the circus you'd never, never go
+to a prayer-meeting again in all your life."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Johnny, who had been to the circus, was telling his teacher
+about the wonderful things he had seen.</p>
+<p>"An' teacher," he cried, "they had one big animal they called
+the hip&mdash;hip&mdash;</p>
+<p>"Hippopotamus, dear," prompted the teacher.</p>
+<p>"I can't just say its name," exclaimed Johnny, "but it looks
+just like 9,000 pounds of liver."</p>
+<a name="H133" id="H133"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CIVILIZATION</h3>
+<p>An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the
+patronizing airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government
+schools for the redskins.</p>
+<p>On one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through one
+institution when he came upon an Indian lad of seventeen years. The
+worker was engaged in a bit of carpentry, which the visitor
+observed in silence for some minutes. Then, with the utmost
+gravity, he asked the boy:</p>
+<p>"Are you civilized?"</p>
+<p>The youthful redskin lifted his eyes from his work, calmly
+surveyed his questioner, and then replied:</p>
+<p>"No, are you?"&mdash;<i>Taylor Edwards</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"My dear, listen to this," exclaimed the elderly English lady to
+her husband, on her first visit to the States. She held the hotel
+menu almost at arm's length, and spoke in a tone of horror: "'Baked
+Indian pudding!' Can it be possible in a civilized country?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"The path of civilization is paved with tin cans."&mdash;<i>The
+Philistine</i>.</p>
+<a name="H134" id="H134"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CLEANLINESS</h3>
+<p>"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I
+first took up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young
+woman, "was one to clean out which would have called for the best
+efforts of the renovator of the Augean stables. And the families in
+this tenement were almost as hopeless as the tenement itself.</p>
+<p>"On one occasion I felt distinctly encouraged, however, since I
+observed that the face of one youngster was actually clean.</p>
+<p>"'William,' said I, 'your face is fairly clean, but how did you
+get such dirty hands?"</p>
+<p>"'Washin' me face,' said William."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A woman in one of the factory towns of Massachusetts recently
+agreed to take charge of a little girl while her mother, a
+seamstress, went to another town for a day's work.</p>
+<p>The woman with whom the child had been left endeavored to keep
+her contented, and among other things gave her a candy dog, with
+which she played happily all day.</p>
+<p>At night the dog had disappeared, and the woman inquired whether
+it had been lost.</p>
+<p>"No, it ain't lost," answered the little girl. "I kept it 'most
+all day, but it got so dirty that I was ashamed to look at it; so I
+et it."&mdash;<i>Fenimore Martin</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How old are you?" once asked Whistler of a London newsboy.
+"Seven," was the reply. Whistler insisted that he must be older
+than that, and turning to his friend he remarked: "I don't think he
+could get as dirty as that in seven years, do you?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!&mdash;<i>Charles
+Lamb</i>.</p>
+<a name="H135" id="H135"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CLERGY</h3>
+<p>"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked
+to question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to
+fight against the Philistines?"</p>
+<p>None of the children could tell him.</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help them he tapped his jaw
+with one finger. "What is this?" he asked.</p>
+<p>This jogged their memories, and the class cried in chorus: "The
+jawbone of an ass."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>All work and no plagiarism makes a dull parson.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Bishop Doane of Albany was at one time rector of an Episcopal
+church in Hartford, and Mark Twain, who occasionally attended his
+services, played a joke upon him, one Sunday.</p>
+<p>"Dr. Doane," he said at the end of the service, "I enjoyed your
+sermon this morning. I welcomed it like on old friend. I have, you
+know, a book at home containing every word of it."</p>
+<p>"You have not," said Dr. Doane.</p>
+<p>"I have so."</p>
+<p>"Well, send that book to me. I'd like to see it."</p>
+<p>"I'll send it," the humorist replied. Next morning he sent an
+unabridged dictionary to the rector.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The four-year-old daughter of a clergyman was ailing one night
+and was put to bed early. As her mother was about to leave her she
+called her back.</p>
+<p>"Mamma," she said, "I want to see my papa."</p>
+<p>"No, dear," her mother replied, "your papa is busy and must not
+be disturbed."</p>
+<p>"But, mamma," the child persisted, "I want to see my papa."</p>
+<p>As before, the mother replied: "No, your papa must not be
+disturbed."</p>
+<p>But the little one came back with a clincher:</p>
+<p>"Mamma," she declared solemnly, "I am a sick woman, and I want
+to see my minister."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>PROFESSOR&mdash;"Now, Mr. Jones, assuming you were called to
+attend a patient who had swallowed a coin, what would be your
+method of procedure?"</p>
+<p>YOUNG MEDICO&mdash;"I'd send for a preacher, sir. They'll get
+money out of anyone."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Archbishop Ryan was once accosted on the streets of Baltimore by
+a man who knew the archbishop's face, but could not quite place
+it.</p>
+<p>"Now, where in hell have I seen you?" he asked perplexedly.</p>
+<p>"From where in hell do you come, sir?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Duluth pastor makes it a point to welcome any strangers
+cordially, and one evening, after the completion of the service, he
+hurried down the aisle to station himself at the door.</p>
+<p>He noticed a Swedish girl, evidently a servant, so he welcomed
+her to the church, and expressed the hope that she would be a
+regular attendant. Finally he said if she would be at home some
+evening during the week he would call.</p>
+<p>"T'ank you," she murmured bashfully, "but ay have a fella."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A minister of a fashionable church in Newark had always left the
+greeting of strangers to be attended to by the ushers, until he
+read the newspaper articles in reference to the matter.</p>
+<p>"Suppose a reporter should visit our church?" said his wife.</p>
+<p>"Wouldn't it be awful?"</p>
+<p>"It would," the minister admitted.</p>
+<p>The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman
+in one of the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member
+of the flock. After the benediction the minister hastened and
+intercepted her at the door.</p>
+<p>"How do you do?" he said, offering his hand, "I am very glad to
+have you with us."</p>
+<p>"Thank you," replied the young woman.</p>
+<p>"I hope we may see you often in our church home," he went on.
+"We are always glad to welcome new faces."</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir."</p>
+<p>"Do you live in this parish?" he asked.</p>
+<p>The girl looked blank.</p>
+<p>"If you will give me your address my wife and I will call on you
+some evening."</p>
+<p>"You wouldn't need to go far, sir," said the young woman, "I'm
+your cook!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Bishop Goodsell, of the Methodist Episcopal church, weighs over
+two hundred pounds. It was with mingled emotions, therefore that he
+read the following in <i>Zion's Herald</i> some time ago:</p>
+<p>"The announcement that our New England bishop, Daniel A.
+Goodsell, has promised to preach at the Willimantic camp meeting,
+will give great pleasure to the hosts of Israel who are looking
+forward to that feast of fat things."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is a standing rule of a company whose boats ply the Great
+Lakes that clergymen and Indians may travel on its boats for
+half-fare. A short time ago an agent of the company was approached
+by an Indian preacher from Canada, who asked for free
+transportation on the ground that he was entitled to one-half
+rebate because he was an Indian, and the other half because he was
+a clergyman.&mdash;<i>Elgin Burroughs</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Booker Washington, as all the world knows, believes that the
+salvation of his race lies in industry. Thus, if a young man wants
+to be a clergyman, he will meet with but little encouragement from
+the head of Tuskegee; but if he wants to be a blacksmith or a
+bricklayer, his welcome is warm and hearty.</p>
+<p>Dr. Washington, in a recent address in Chicago, said:</p>
+<p>"The world is overfull of preachers and when an aspirant for the
+pulpit comes to me, I am inclined to tell him about the old uncle
+working in the cotton field who said:</p>
+<p>"'De cotton am so grassy, de work am so hard, and de sun am so
+hot, Ah 'clare to goodness Ah believe dis darkey am called to
+preach.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On one occasion the minister delivered a sermon of but ten
+minutes' duration&mdash;a most unusual thing for him.</p>
+<p>Upon the conclusion of his remarks he added: "I regret to inform
+you, brethren, that my dog, who appears to be peculiarly fond of
+paper, this morning ate that portion of my sermon that I have not
+delivered. Let us pray."</p>
+<p>After the service the clergyman was met at the door by a man who
+as a rule, attended divine service in another parish. Shaking the
+good man by the hand he said:</p>
+<p>"Doctor, I should like to know whether that dog of yours has any
+pups. If so I want to get one to give to my minister."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Recipe for a parson:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">To a cupful of negative goodness</p>
+<p class="i4">Add the pleasure of giving advice.</p>
+<p class="i2">Sift in a peck of dry sermons,</p>
+<p class="i4">And flavor with brimstone or ice.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A pompous Bishop of Oxford was once stopped on a London street
+by a ragged urchin.</p>
+<p>"Well, my little man, and what can I do for you?" inquired the
+churchman.</p>
+<p>"The time o' day, please, your lordship."</p>
+<p>With considerable difficulty the portly bishop extracted his
+timepiece.</p>
+<p>"It is exactly half past five, my lad."</p>
+<p>"Well," said the boy, setting his feet for a good start, "at
+'alf past six you go to 'ell!"&mdash;and he was off like a flash
+and around the corner. The bishop, flushed and furious, his watch
+dangling from its chain, floundered wildly after him. But as he
+rounded the corner he ran plump into the outstretched arms of the
+venerable Bishop of London.</p>
+<p>"Oxford, Oxford," remonstrated that surprised dignitary, "why
+this unseemly haste?"</p>
+<p>Puffing, blowing, spluttering, the outraged Bishop gasped
+out:</p>
+<p>"That young ragamuffin&mdash;I told him it was half past
+five&mdash;he&mdash;er&mdash;told me to go to hell at half past
+six."</p>
+<p>"Yes, yes," said the Bishop of London with the suspicion of a
+twinkle in his kindly old eyes, "but why such haste? You've got
+almost an hour."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Skilful alike with tongue and pen,</p>
+<p class="i2">He preached to all men everywhere</p>
+<p class="i2">The Gospel of the Golden Rule,</p>
+<p class="i2">The New Commandment given to men,</p>
+<p class="i2">Thinking the deed, and not the creed,</p>
+<p class="i2">Would help us in our utmost need.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Longfellow</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Burglars; Contribution box; Preaching;
+Resignation.</p>
+<a name="H136" id="H136"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CLIMATE</h3>
+<p>In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so
+often wrong that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no
+small annoyance, for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair
+of living down his reputation, he asked headquarters to transfer
+him to another station.</p>
+<p>A brief correspondance ensued.</p>
+<p>"Why," asked headquarters, "do you wish to be transferred?"</p>
+<p>"Because," the forecaster promptly replied, "the climate doesn't
+agree with me."</p>
+<a name="H137" id="H137"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CLOTHING</h3>
+<p>One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning
+call, sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the
+exclamation: "There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again
+without a necktie! It's really disgraceful the way you neglect your
+dress!"</p>
+<p>Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.</p>
+<p>A few minutes later his neighbor&mdash;Mrs. S.&mdash;was
+summoned to the door by a messenger, who presented her with a small
+box neatly done up. She opened it and found a black silk necktie,
+accompanied by the following note: "Here is a necktie. Take it out
+and look at it. I think I stayed half an hour this morning. At the
+end of that time will you kindly return it, as it is the only one I
+have?&mdash;Mark Twain."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man whose trousers bagged badly at the knees was standing on a
+corner waiting for a car. A passing Irishman stopped and watched
+him with great interest for two or three minutes; at last he
+said:</p>
+<p>"Well, why don't ye jump?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"The evening wore on," continued the man who was telling the
+story.</p>
+<p>"Excuse me," interrupted the would-be-wit; "but can you tell us
+what the evening wore on that occasion?"</p>
+<p>"I don't know that it is important," replied the story-teller.
+"But if you must know, I believe it was the close of a summer
+day."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"See that measuring worm crawling up my skirt!" cried Mrs.
+Bjenks. "That's a sign I'm going to have a new dress."</p>
+<p>"Well, let him make it for you," growled Mr. Bjenks. "And while
+he's about it, have him send a hookworm to do you up the back. I'm
+tired of the job."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Dwellers in huts and in marble halls&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">From Shepherdess up to Queen&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Cared little for bonnets, and less for shawls,</p>
+<p class="i4">And nothing for crinoline.</p>
+<p class="i2">But now simplicity's <i>not</i> the rage,</p>
+<p class="i4">And it's funny to think how cold</p>
+<p class="i2">The dress they wore in the Golden Age</p>
+<p class="i4">Would seem in the Age of Gold.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Henry S. Leigh</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,</p>
+<p class="i2">But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;</p>
+<p class="i2">For the apparel oft proclaims the man.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H138" id="H138"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CLUBS</h3>
+<p>Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement.</p>
+<p>"When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave
+every morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that
+none of its members shall marry a man who won't shave every
+morning."</p>
+<p>"Oh, that's all right," replied Ben; "but what about the
+mornings I don't get home in time? I belong to a club,
+too."&mdash;<i>M.A. Hitchcock</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The guest landing at the yacht club float with his host, both of
+them wearing oilskins and sou'-westers to protect them from the
+drenching rain, inquired:</p>
+<p>"And who are those gentlemen seated on the veranda, looking so
+spick and span in their white duck yachting caps and trousers, and
+keeping the waiters running all the time?"</p>
+<p>"They're the rocking-chair members. They never go outside, and
+they're waterproof inside."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One afternoon thirty ladies met at the home of Mrs. Lyons to
+form a woman's club. The hostess was unanimously elected president.
+The next day the following ad appeared in the newspaper:</p>
+<p>"Wanted&mdash;a reliable woman to take care of a baby. Apply to
+Mrs. J. W. Lyons."</p>
+<a name="H139" id="H139"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COAL DEALERS</h3>
+<p>In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail
+coal business a revival was recently held and the elder of the
+brothers was converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother
+to join the church. One day he asked:</p>
+<p>"Why can't you join the church like I did?"</p>
+<p>"It's a fine thing for you to belong to the church," replied the
+younger brother, "If I join the church who'll weigh the coal?"</p>
+<a name="H140" id="H140"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COEDUCATION</h3>
+<p>The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on
+woman's rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they
+threaten, away from the coeducational colleges, what will follow?
+What will follow, I repeat?"</p>
+<p>And a loud, masculine voice in the audience replied: "I
+will!"</p>
+<a name="H141" id="H141"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COFFEE</h3>
+<p>Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to
+Bismarck. He liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian
+Army in France he one day entered a country inn and asked the host
+if he had any chicory in the house. He had. Bismarck
+said&mdash;"Well, bring it to me; all you have." The man obeyed and
+handed Bismarck a canister full of chicory. "Are you sure this is
+all you have?" demanded the Chancellor. "Yes, my lord, every
+grain." "Then," said Bismarck, keeping the canister by him, "go now
+and make me a pot of coffee."</p>
+<a name="H142" id="H142"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COINS</h3>
+<p>He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the
+country: "Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from
+Paris as a souvenir."</p>
+<p>"Thanks, Herman," said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to
+have brought me home one of them Latin quarters I read so much
+about."</p>
+<a name="H143" id="H143"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS</h3>
+<p>An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our
+store are requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our
+store and not knowing it are requested to call and find out. Those
+knowing themselves indebted and not wishing to call, are requested
+to stay in one place long enough for us to catch them."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Sir," said the haughty American to his adhesive tailor, "I
+object to this boorish dunning. I would have you know that my
+great-great-grandfather was one of the early settlers."</p>
+<p>"And yet," sighed the anxious tradesman, "there are people who
+believe in heredity."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A retail dealer in buggies doing business in one of the large
+towns in northern Indiana wrote to a firm in the east ordering a
+carload of buggies. The firm wired him:</p>
+<p>"Cannot ship buggies until you pay for your last
+consignment."</p>
+<p>"Unable to wait so long," wired back the buggy dealer, "cancel
+order."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The saddest words of tongue or pen</p>
+<p class="i2">May be perhaps, "It might have been,"</p>
+<p class="i2">The sweetest words we know, by heck,</p>
+<p class="i2">Are only these "Enclosed find check!"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Minne-Ha-Ha</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H144" id="H144"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING</h3>
+<p>Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen
+Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>"It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling
+sweetly upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day
+so that my feet should not be wet by that horrid puddle. May I not
+instruct my Lord High Treasurer to reimburse you for it?"</p>
+<p>"Don't mention it, your Majesty," replied Raleigh. "It only cost
+two and six, and I have already sold it to an American collector
+for eight thousand pounds."</p>
+<a name="H145" id="H145"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COLLEGE GRADUATES</h3>
+<p>"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked
+the dapper agent.</p>
+<p>"No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it
+a few times, but my son will be home from college in June."</p>
+<a name="H146" id="H146"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COLLEGE STUDENTS</h3>
+<p>"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were
+expelled from college?"</p>
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+<p>"Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history
+repeats itself."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority
+houses. We haven't made a nickel in two years. The Gas
+Co.&mdash;<i>Michigan Gargoyle</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FRESHMAN&mdash;"I have a sliver in my finger."</p>
+<p>SOP&mdash;"Been scratching your head?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>STUDE&mdash;"Do you smoke, professor?"</p>
+<p>PROF.&mdash;"Why, yes, I'm very fond of a good cigar."</p>
+<p>STUDE&mdash;"Do you drink, sir?"</p>
+<p>PROF.&mdash;"Yes, indeed, I enjoy nothing better than a bottle
+of wine."</p>
+<p>STUDE&mdash;"Gee, it's going to cost me something to pass this
+course."&mdash;<i>Cornell Widow</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Three boys from Yale, Princeton and Harvard were in a room when
+a lady entered. The Yale boy asked languidly if some fellow ought
+not to give a chair to the lady; the Princeton boy slowly brought
+one, and the Harvard boy deliberately sat down in
+it.&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A college professor was one day nearing the close of a history
+lecture and was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in
+which he delighted when the hour struck. The students immediately
+began to slam down the movable arms of their lecture chairs and to
+prepare to leave.</p>
+<p>The professor, annoyed at the interruption of his flow of
+eloquence, held up his hand:</p>
+<p>"Wait just one minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to
+cast."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When Rutherford B. Hayes was a student at college it was his
+custom to take a walk before breakfast.</p>
+<p>One morning two of his student friends went with him. After
+walking a short distance they met an old man with a long white
+beard. Thinking that they would have a little fun at the old man's
+expense, the first one bowed to him very gracefully and said: "Good
+morning, Father Abraham."</p>
+<p>The next one made a low bow and said: "Good morning, Father
+Isaac."</p>
+<p>Young Hayes then made his bow and said: "Good morning Father
+Jacob."</p>
+<p>The old man looked at them a moment and then said: "Young men, I
+am neither Abraham, Isaac nor Jacob. I am Saul, the son of Kish,
+and I am out looking for my father's asses, and lo, I have found
+them."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A western college boy amused himself by writing stories and
+giving them to papers for nothing. His father objected and wrote to
+the boy that he was wasting his time. In answer the college lad
+wrote:</p>
+<p>"So, dad, you think I am wasting my time in writing for the
+local papers and cite Johnson's saying that the man who writes,
+except for money, is a fool. I shall act upon Doctor Johnson's
+suggestion and write for money. Send me fifty dollars."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The president of an eastern university had just announced in
+chapel that the freshman class was the largest enrolled in the
+history of the institution. Immediately he followed the
+announcement by reading the text for the morning: "Lord, how are
+they increased that trouble me!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>STUDE.&mdash;"Is it possible to confide a secret to you?"</p>
+<p>FRIEND&mdash;"Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave."</p>
+<p>STUDE&mdash;"Well, then, I have a pressing need for two
+bucks."</p>
+<p>FRIEND&mdash;"Do not worry. It is as if I had heard nothing."
+&mdash;<i>-Michigan Gargoyle</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Why did you come to college, anyway? You are not studying,"
+said the Professor.</p>
+<p>"Well," said Willie, "I don't know exactly myself. Mother says
+it is to fit me for the Presidency; Uncle Bill, to sow my wild
+oats; Sis, to get a chum for her to marry, and Pa, to bankrupt the
+family."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A young Irishman at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote
+to his uncle as follows:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Dear Uncle.&mdash;If you could see how I blush for shame while
+I am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have to
+ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express myself.
+It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die. I send you
+this by messenger, who will wait for an answer. Believe me, my
+dearest uncle, your most obedient and affectionate nephew.</p>
+<p>"P.S.&mdash;Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have
+been running after the messenger in order to take the letter from
+him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something may happen
+to stop him, or that this letter may get lost."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency.
+He replied as follows:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"My Dear Jack&mdash;Console yourself and blush no more.
+Providence has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter.
+Your affectionate uncle."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He
+dwelt with much emphasis on the fact that each student should
+devote all the intervening time preparing for the final
+examinations.</p>
+<p>"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are
+there any questions to be asked?"</p>
+<p>Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:</p>
+<p>"Who's the printer?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was Commencement Day at a well-known woman's college, and the
+father of one of the young women came to attend the graduation
+exercises. He was presented to the president, who said, "I
+congratulate you, sir, upon your extremely large and affectionate
+family."</p>
+<p>"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much
+surprised.</p>
+<p>"Yes, indeed," said the president. "No less than twelve of your
+daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to
+take her driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her
+to the theater at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they
+are."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor
+its great scholars great men.&mdash;<i>O.W. Holmes</i>.</p>
+<p><i>See also</i> Harvard university; Scholarship.</p>
+<a name="H147" id="H147"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The college is a coy maid&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">She has a habit quaint</p>
+<p class="i2">Of making eyes at millionaires</p>
+<p class="i4">And winking at the taint.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What is a 'faculty'?"</p>
+<p>"A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red
+tape."&mdash;<i>Cornell Widow</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Yale University is to have a ton of fossils. Whether for the
+faculty or for the museums is not announced.&mdash;<i>The Atlanta
+Journal</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FIRST TRUSTEE&mdash;"But this ancient institution of learning
+will fail unless something is done."</p>
+<p>SECOND TRUSTEE&mdash;"True; but what can we do? We have already
+raised the tuition until it is almost 1 per cent of the fraternity
+fees."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The president of the university had dark circles under his eyes.
+His cheek was pallid; his lips were trembling; he wore a hunted
+expression.</p>
+<p>"You look ill," said his wife. "What is wrong, dear?"</p>
+<p>"Nothing much," he replied. "But&mdash;I&mdash;I had a fearful
+dream last night, and I feel this morning as if I&mdash;as if
+I&mdash;" It was evident that his nervous system was shattered.</p>
+<p>"What was the dream?" asked his wife.</p>
+<p>"I&mdash;I&mdash;dreamed the trustees required that&mdash;that I
+should&mdash;that I should pass the freshman examination
+for&mdash;admission!" sighed the president.</p>
+<a name="H148" id="H148"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COMMON SENSE</h3>
+<p>A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a
+small town. It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it
+was that it was a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past
+the place after work had been started, and seeing a man in the
+doorway, called to him:</p>
+<p>"What be ye doin' in this place?"</p>
+<p>"We are searching for a universal solvent&mdash;something that
+will dissolve all things," said the chemist.</p>
+<p>"What good will thet be?"</p>
+<p>"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a
+solution of iron, glass, gold&mdash;anything, all that we have to
+do is to drop it in this solution."</p>
+<p>"Fine," said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it
+in?"</p>
+<a name="H149" id="H149"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COMMUTERS</h3>
+<p>BRIGGS&mdash;"Is it true that you have broken off your
+engagement to that girl who lives in the suburbs?"</p>
+<p>GRIGGS&mdash;"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I
+have transferred to a town girl."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked
+the first commuter.</p>
+<p>"Yes," said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains.
+The old brand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this
+new brand in a second and a half."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook
+hands with a young German.</p>
+<p>"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. "Yes,"
+said the German: "I take the 7:45 every morning."&mdash;<i>M.L.
+Hayward</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the
+blizzards of 1894. Finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts
+to start it again were futile.</p>
+<p>In the wee, small hours of the morning a weary commuter, numb
+from the cold and the cramped position in which he had tried to
+sleep, crawled out of the train and floundered through the heavy
+snow-drifts to the nearest telegraph station. This is the message
+he handed to the operator:</p>
+<p>"Will not be at office to-day. Not home yesterday yet."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A nervous commuter on his dark, lonely way home from the
+railroad station heard footsteps behind him. He had an
+uncomfortable feeling that he was being followed. He increased his
+speed. The footsteps quickened accordingly. The commuter darted
+down a lane. The footsteps still pursued him. In desperation he
+vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a churchyard, threw himself
+panting on one of the graves.</p>
+<p>"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no
+doubt as to his intentions."</p>
+<p>The man behind was following. He could hear him scrambling over
+the fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs, garroters and the like
+flashed through his brain. Quivering with fear, the nervous one
+arose and faced his pursuer.</p>
+<p>"What do you want?" he demanded. "Wh-why are you following
+me?"</p>
+<p>"Say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go
+home like this? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's and the man at the
+station told me to follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my
+asking you, but is there much more to do before we get there?"</p>
+<a name="H150" id="H150"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COMPARISONS</h3>
+<p>A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last
+season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white
+picture-hat.</p>
+<p>"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that.
+I'd look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A well-known author tells of an English spinster who said, as
+she watched a great actress writhing about the floor as
+Cleopatra:</p>
+<p>"How different from the home life of our late dear queen!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Darling," whispered the ardent suitor, "I lay my fortune at
+your feet."</p>
+<p>"Your fortune?" she replied in surprise. "I didn't know you had
+one."</p>
+<p>"Well, it isn't much of a fortune, but it will look large
+besides those tiny feet."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Girls make me tired," said the fresh young man. "They are
+always going to palmists to have their hands read."</p>
+<p>"Indeed!" said she sweetly; "is that any worse than men going
+into saloons to get their noses red?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A friend once wrote Mark Twain a letter saying that he was in
+very bad health, and concluding: "Is there anything worse than
+having toothache and earache at the same time?"</p>
+<p>The humorist wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus's
+dance."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Rev. Dr. William Emerson, of Boston, son of Ralph Waldo
+Emerson, recently made a trip through the South, and one Sunday
+attended a meeting in a colored church. The preacher was a white
+man, however, a white man whose first name was George, and
+evidently a prime favorite with the colored brethren. When the
+service was over Dr. Emerson walked home behind two members of the
+congregation, and overheard this conversation: "Massa George am a
+mos' pow'ful preacher." "He am dat." "He's mos's pow'ful as Abraham
+Lincoln." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan Lincoln." "He's mos' 's
+pow'ful as George Washin'ton." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan
+Washin'ton." "Massa George ain't quite as pow'ful as God." "N-n-o,
+not quite. But he's a young man yet."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that the
+comparisons made between wit and wit, courage and courage, beauty
+and beauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill
+taken?&mdash;<i>Cervantes</i>.</p>
+<a name="H151" id="H151"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COMPENSATION</h3>
+<p>"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an
+automobile goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits
+harder and balks longer."</p>
+<a name="H152" id="H152"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COMPETITION</h3>
+<p>A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl&mdash;now
+fifteen&mdash;had been the pet of the family. Every one made much
+of her, but when there was a new baby she felt rather
+neglected.</p>
+<p>"How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon.</p>
+<p>"Oh, I'm all right," she said, "except that I think there is too
+much competition in this world."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for
+watering his fields. The very first day while he was trying it
+there suddenly came a downpour of rain. He put away his
+machine.</p>
+<p>"It's no use," he said; "you can do nothing nowadays without
+competition."</p>
+<a name="H153" id="H153"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COMPLIMENTS</h3>
+<p>Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row
+which took place in front of his store that morning: "The first
+thing I saw was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a
+crowd gathered. The man who was struck ran and grabbed a large
+shovel he had been using on the street, and rushed back, his eyes
+blazing fiercely. I thought he'd surely knock the other man's
+brains out, and I stepped right in between them."</p>
+<p>The young son of the family had become so hugely interested in
+the narrative as it proceeded that he had stopped eating his
+pudding. So proud was he of his father's valor, his eyes fairly
+shone, and he cried:</p>
+<p>"He couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, Father?"</p>
+<p>Father looked at him long and earnestly, but the lad's
+countenance was frank and open.</p>
+<p>Father gasped slightly, and resumed his supper.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Tact.</p>
+<a name="H154" id="H154"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COMPOSERS</h3>
+<p>Recipe for the musical comedy composer:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Librettos of all of the operas,</p>
+<p class="i4">Some shears and a bottle of paste,</p>
+<p class="i2">Curry the hits of last season,</p>
+<p class="i4">Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H155" id="H155"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COMPROMISES</h3>
+<p>Boss&mdash;"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you
+and I were the only people who had keys to that drawer."</p>
+<p>Office Boy&mdash;"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more
+about it."</p>
+<a name="H156" id="H156"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CONFESSIONS</h3>
+<p>"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he
+get&mdash;five years?"</p>
+<p>"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the
+magazines."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always
+taught to report misdeeds promptly. One afternoon she came sobbing
+penitently to her mother.</p>
+<p>"Mother, I&mdash;I broke a brick in the fireplace."</p>
+<p>"Well, it might be worse. But how on earth did you do it,
+Ethel?"</p>
+<p>"I pounded it with your watch."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Confession is good for the soul."</p>
+<p>"Yes, but it's bad for the reputation."</p>
+<a name="H157" id="H157"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CONGRESS</h3>
+<p>Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of
+acquiring valuable information and then doing nothing about
+it.&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a
+congressman, "we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the class a
+certain miss whom I know unconsciously puts us in. It was at a
+recent examination at her school that the question was put, 'Who
+makes the laws of our government?'</p>
+<p>"'Congress,' was the united reply.</p>
+<p>"'How is Congress divided?' was the next query.</p>
+<p>"My young friend raised her hand.</p>
+<p>"'Well,' said the teacher, 'what do you say the answer is?'</p>
+<p>"Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the
+Miss replied, 'Civilized, half civilized, and savage.'"</p>
+<a name="H158" id="H158"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CONGRESSMEN</h3>
+<p>It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of
+congressmen, mostly from the rural districts. The tables were
+elegant, and it was a scene of fairy splendor; but on one table
+there were no decorations but palm leaves.</p>
+<p>"Here," said a congressman to the head waiter, "why don't you
+put them things on our table too?" pointing to the plants.</p>
+<p>The head waiter didn't know he was a congressman.</p>
+<p>"We cain't do it, boss," he whispered confidentially; "dey's
+mostly congressmen at 'dis table, an' if we put pa'ms on de table
+dey take um for celery an' eat um all up sho. 'Deed dey would,
+boss. We knows 'em."</p>
+<p>Representative X, from North Carolina, was one night awakened by
+his wife, who whispered, "John, John, get up! There are robbers in
+the house."</p>
+<p>"Robbers?" he said. "There may be robbers in the Senate, Mary;
+but not in the House! It's preposterous!"&mdash;<i>John N. Cole,
+Jr</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Champ Clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate
+Congressman Johnson of Indiana called an Illinois representative a
+jackass. The expression was unparliamentary, and in retraction
+Johnson said:</p>
+<p>"While I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, I must
+insist that the gentleman from Illinois is out of order."</p>
+<p>"How am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois.</p>
+<p>"Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you," answered
+Johnson, and that was parliamentary enough to stay on the
+record.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in
+New York. When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of
+his stay, the waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the
+Congressman tossed it aside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and
+said, "Bring me a good dinner."</p>
+<p>The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued
+this plan during his entire stay in New York. As the last tip was
+given, he mentioned that he was about to return to Washington.</p>
+<p>Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness,
+said:</p>
+<p>"Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come
+to New York, just ask for Dick."</p>
+<a name="H159" id="H159"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CONSCIENCE</h3>
+<p>The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the
+warnings of the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use
+of the telephone.</p>
+<p>A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in
+an office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look
+again. Yes, there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer
+was sitting upon the gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name
+that was lettered on the window and then searched in the telephone
+book. Still keeping his eye upon the scene across the street, he
+called the gentleman up. In a few moments he saw him start
+violently and take down the receiver.</p>
+<p>"Yes," said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think
+you would start."</p>
+<p>The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to
+stammer something.</p>
+<p>"Yes," continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take
+that arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to
+be plenty of chairs in the room&mdash;"</p>
+<p>The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is
+to be feared. "Who&mdash;who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed
+to splutter.</p>
+<p>"I," answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am your
+conscience!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A quiet conscience makes one so serene!</p>
+<p class="i2">Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded</p>
+<p class="i2">That all the Apostles would have done as they
+did.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Byron</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Oh, Conscience! Conscience! man's most faithful
+friend,</p>
+<p class="i4">Him canst thou comfort, ease, relieve, defend;</p>
+<p class="i2">But if he will thy friendly checks forego,</p>
+<p class="i4">Thou art, oh! woe for me his deadliest foe!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Crabbe</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H160" id="H160"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CONSEQUENCES</h3>
+<p>A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference
+between the words "results" and "consequences."</p>
+<p>A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and
+consequences are what you get."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible
+consequences, quite apart from any fluctuations that went
+before&mdash;consequences that are hardly ever confined to
+ourselves.&mdash;<i>George Eliot</i>.</p>
+<a name="H161" id="H161"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CONSIDERATION</h3>
+<p>The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody
+had tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the
+guest of honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm.</p>
+<p>"Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said
+to his host. "Whar did you git such a fine goose?"</p>
+<p>"Well, now, Pahson," replied the carver of the goose, exhibiting
+great dignity and reticence, "when you preaches a speshul good
+sermon I never axes you whar you got it. I hopes you will show me
+de same considerashion."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A clergyman, who was summoned in haste by a woman who had been
+taken suddenly ill, answered the call though somewhat puzzled by
+it, for he knew that she was not of his parish, and was, moreover,
+known to be a devoted worker in another church. While he was
+waiting to be shown to the sick-room he fell to talking to the
+little girl of the house.</p>
+<p>"It is very gratifying to know that your mother thought of me in
+her illness," said he, "Is your minister out of town?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, no," answered the child, in a matter-of-fact tone. "He's
+home; only we thought it might be something contagious, and we
+didn't want to take any risks."</p>
+<a name="H162" id="H162"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CONSTANCY</h3>
+<p>A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who
+believed in a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had
+two good-conduct badges and money in the savings-bank.</p>
+<p>"Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a
+year from today in the same frame of mind you shall marry. I'll
+keep the vacancy."</p>
+<p>On the anniversary the soldier repeated his request.</p>
+<p>"But do you really, after a year, want to marry?" inquired the
+General in a surprised tone.</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir; very much."</p>
+<p>"Sergeant-Major, take his name down. Yes, you may marry. I never
+believed there was so much constancy in man or woman. Right face;
+quick march!"</p>
+<p>As the man left the room, turning his head, he said, "Thank you,
+sir; but it isn't the same woman."</p>
+<a name="H163" id="H163"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CONTRIBUTION BOX</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The parson looks it o'er and frets.</p>
+<p class="i4">It puts him out of sorts</p>
+<p class="i2">To see how many times he gets</p>
+<p class="i4">A penny for his thoughts.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>J.J. O'Connell</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a
+puzzled way at the club guest. "You look like a man I've seen
+somewhere, Mr. Blinker," he said. "Your face seems familiar. I
+fancy you have a double. And a funny thing about it is that I
+remember I formed a strong prejudice against the man who looks like
+you&mdash;although, I'm quite sure, we never met."</p>
+<p>The little guest softly laughed. "I'm the man," he answered,
+"and I know why you formed the prejudice. I passed the contribution
+plate for two years in the church you attended."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The collections had fallen off badly in the colored church and
+the pastor made a short address before the box was passed.</p>
+<p>"I don' want any man to gib mo' dan his share, bredern," he said
+gently, "but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab. I
+say 'rightly hab," bredern, because we don't want no tainted money
+in dis box. 'Squire Jones tol' me dat he done miss some chickens
+dis week. Now if any of our bredern hab fallen by de wayside in
+connection wif dose chickens let him stay his hand from de box.</p>
+<p>"Now, Deacon Smiff, please pass de box while I watch de signs
+an' see if dere's any one in dis congregation dat needs me ter
+wrastle in prayer fer him."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A newly appointed Scotch minister on his first Sunday of office
+had reason to complain of the poorness of the collection. "Mon,"
+replied one of the elders, "they are close&mdash;vera close."</p>
+<p>"But," confidentially, "the auld meenister he put three or four
+saxpenses into the plate hissel', just to gie them a start. Of
+course he took the saxpenses awa' with him afterward." The new
+minister tried the same plan, but the next Sunday he again had to
+report a dismal failure. The total collection was not only small,
+but he was grieved to find that his own sixpences were missing. "Ye
+may be a better preacher than the auld meenister," exclaimed the
+elder, "but if ye had half the knowledge o' the world, an' o' yer
+ain flock in particular, ye'd ha' done what he did an' glued the
+saxpenses to the plate."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>POLICE COMMISSIONER&mdash;"If you were ordered to disperse a
+mob, what would you do?"</p>
+<p>APPLICANT&mdash;"Pass around the hat, sir."</p>
+<p>POLICE COMMISSIONER&mdash;"That'll do; you're engaged."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I advertized that the poor were made welcome in this church,"
+said the vicar to his congregation, "and as the offertory amounts
+to ninety-five cents, I see that they have come."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Salvation.</p>
+<a name="H164" id="H164"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CONUNDRUMS</h3>
+<p>"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain
+storm and a conversation between two confidence men?"</p>
+<p>"Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it
+up."</p>
+<p>"Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is a
+skinning theme."</p>
+<a name="H165" id="H165"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CONVERSATION</h3>
+<p>"My dog understands every word I say."</p>
+<p>"Um."</p>
+<p>"Do you doubt it?"</p>
+<p>"No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant
+attention he bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he
+understands it perfectly."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>THE TALL AND AGGRESSIVE ONE&mdash;"Excuse me, but I'm in a
+hurry! You've had that phone twenty minutes and not said a
+word!"</p>
+<p>THE SHORT AND MEEK ONE&mdash;"Sir, I'm talking to my
+wife."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>HUS (during a quarrel)&mdash;"You talk like an idiot."</p>
+<p>WIFE&mdash;"I've got to talk so you can understand me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping tour through New
+England. He discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside
+rock.</p>
+<p>"Fine corn," said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, using a hillside
+filled with straggling stalks as a means of breaking the
+conversational ice.</p>
+<p>"Best in Massachusetts," said the sitter.</p>
+<p>"How do you plow that field?" asked Mr. Bacheller. "It is so
+very steep."</p>
+<p>"Don't plow it," said the sitter. "When the spring thaws come,
+the rocks rolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant
+corn."</p>
+<p>"And how do you plant it?" asked Mr. Bacheller. The sitter said
+that he didn't plant it, really. He stood in his back door and shot
+the seed in with a shotgun.</p>
+<p>"Is that the truth?" asked Bacheller.</p>
+<p>"H&mdash;ll no," said the sitter, disgusted. "That's
+conversation."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Conversation is the laboratory and workshop of the
+student.&mdash;<i>Emerson</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better
+than ten years' study of books.&mdash;<i>Longfellow</i>.</p>
+<a name="H166" id="H166"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COOKERY</h3>
+<p>"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping
+husband in the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the
+pantry and they're eating all my pies."</p>
+<p>"Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as
+they don't die in the house?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"This is certainly a modern cook-book in every way."</p>
+<p>"How so?"</p>
+<p>"It says: 'After mixing your bread, you can watch two reels at
+the movies before putting it in the oven.'"&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There was recently presented to a newly-married young woman in
+Baltimore such a unique domestic proposition that she felt called
+upon to seek expert advice from another woman, whom she knew to
+possess considerable experience in the cooking line.</p>
+<p>"Mrs. Jones," said the first mentioned young woman, as she
+breathlessly entered the apartment of the latter, "I'm sorry to
+trouble you, but I must have your advice."</p>
+<p>"What is the trouble, my dear?"</p>
+<p>"Why, I've just had a 'phone message from Harry, saying that he
+is going out this afternoon to shoot clay pigeons. Now, he's bound
+to bring a lot home, and I haven't the remotest idea how to cook
+them. Won't you please tell me?"&mdash;<i>Taylor Edwards</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Heaven sends us good meat, but the devil sends us
+cooks.&mdash;<i>David Garrick</i>.</p>
+<a name="H167" id="H167"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COOKS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Servants.</p>
+<a name="H168" id="H168"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CORNETS</h3>
+<p>Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet
+on Sunday would go to heaven.</p>
+<p>The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't
+see why he should not, but"&mdash;after a pause&mdash;"I doubt
+whether the man next door will."</p>
+<a name="H169" id="H169"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CORNS</h3>
+<p>Great aches from little toe-corns grow.</p>
+<a name="H170" id="H170"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CORPULENCE</h3>
+<p>The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the
+colored laundress of the village to take charge of their washing
+for the summer. Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He
+tipped the scales at some three hundred pounds.</p>
+<p>"Missus," said the woman, "I'll do your washing, but I'se gwine
+ter charge you double for your husband's shirts."</p>
+<p>"Why, what is your reason for that Nancy," questioned the
+mistress.</p>
+<p>"Well," said the laundress, "I don't mind washing fur an
+ordinary man, but I draws de line on circus tents, I sho' do."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell
+in love with a handsome German girl. Upon his return to the works,
+he went to Mr. Carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get
+married he would like a little further time off. Mr. Carnegie
+appeared much interested. "Tell me about her," he said. "Is she
+short or is she tall, slender, willowy?"</p>
+<p>"Well, Mr. Carnegie," was the answer, "all I can say is that if
+I'd had the rolling of her, I should have given her two or three
+more passes."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A very stout old lady, bustling through the park on a sweltering
+hot day, became aware that she was being closely followed by a
+rough-looking tramp.</p>
+<p>"What do you mean by following me in this manner?" she
+indignantly demanded. The tramp slunk back a little. But when the
+stout lady resumed her walk he again took up his position directly
+behind her.</p>
+<p>"See here," she exclaimed, wheeling angrily, "if you don't go
+away at once I shall call a policeman!"</p>
+<p>The unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly.</p>
+<p>"For Heaven's sake, kind lady, have mercy an' don't call a
+policeman; ye're the only shady spot in the whole park."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked
+if he had ever had any very narrow escapes.</p>
+<p>"Yes," he replied, his eyes twinkling; "once I fell off my boat
+at the mouth of Bear Creek, and, although I'm an expert swimmer, I
+guess I'd be there now if it hadn't been for my crew. You see the
+water was just deep enough so's to be over my head when I tried to
+wade out, and just shallow enough"&mdash;he gave his body an
+explanatory pat&mdash;"so that whenever I tried to swim out I
+dragged bottom."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the
+door rose and said: "I will be one of three to give the lady a
+seat."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>To our Fat Friends: May their shadows never grow less.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Dancing.</p>
+<a name="H171" id="H171"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COSMOPOLITANISM</h3>
+<p>Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe
+of New York.</p>
+<p>"New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky,
+"without the addition of such a queerly named institution as the
+Hell."</p>
+<p>He smiled and added:</p>
+<p>"Is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a New York
+cafe? In the last one I visited, I saw a Portuguese, a German and
+an Italian, dressed in English clothes and seated at a table of
+Spanish walnut, lunching on Russian caviar, French rolls, Scotch
+salmon, Welsh rabbit, Swiss cheese, Dutch cake and Malaga raisins.
+They drank China tea and Irish whisky."</p>
+<a name="H172" id="H172"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COST OF LIVING</h3>
+<p>"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie
+Smiggs?" asked the careful mother.</p>
+<p>"I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the
+Smiggs boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal
+around like that."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Live within your income," was a maxim uttered by Mr. Carnegie
+on his seventy-sixth birthday. This is easy; the difficulty is to
+live without it.&mdash;<i>Satire</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"You say your jewels were stolen while the family was at
+dinner?"</p>
+<p>"No, no! This is an important robbery. Our dinner was stolen
+while we were putting on our jewels."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A grouchy butcher, who had watched the price of porterhouse
+steak climb the ladder of fame, was deep in the throes of an
+unusually bad grouch when a would-be customer, eight years old,
+approached him and handed him a penny.</p>
+<p>"Please, mister, I want a cent's worth of sausage."</p>
+<p>Turning on the youngster with a growl, he let forth this burst
+of good salesmanship:</p>
+<p>"Go smell o' the hook!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TOM&mdash;"My pa is very religious. He always bows his head and
+says something before meals."</p>
+<p>DICK&mdash;"Mine always says something when he sits down to eat,
+but he don't bow his head."</p>
+<p>TOM&mdash;"What does he say?"</p>
+<p>DICK&mdash;"Go easy on the butter, kids, it's forty cents a
+pound."</p>
+<a name="H173" id="H173"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COUNTRY LIFE</h3>
+<p>BILTER (at servants' agency)&mdash;"Have you got a cook who will
+go to the country?"</p>
+<p>MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)&mdash;"Is there any
+one here who would like to spend a day in the
+country?"&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>VISITOR&mdash;"You have a fine road leading from the
+station."</p>
+<p>SUBUBS&mdash;"That's the path worn by servant-girls."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Commuters; Servants.</p>
+<a name="H174" id="H174"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COURAGE</h3>
+<p>AUNT ETHEL&mdash;"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the
+dentist's?"</p>
+<p>BEATRICE&mdash;"Yes, auntie, I was."</p>
+<p>AUNT ETHEL&mdash;"Then, there's the half crown I promised you.
+And now tell me what he did to you."</p>
+<p>BEATRICE&mdash;"He pulled out two of Willie's
+teeth!"&mdash;<i>Punch</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>He was the small son of a bishop, and his mother was teaching
+him the meaning of courage.</p>
+<p>"Supposing," she said, "there were twelve boys in one bedroom,
+and eleven got into bed at once, while the other knelt down to say
+his prayers, that boy would show true courage."</p>
+<p>"Oh!" said the young hopeful. "I know something that would be
+more courageous than that! Supposing there were twelve bishops in
+one bedroom, and one got into bed without saying his prayers!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Courage, the highest gift, that scorns to bend</p>
+<p class="i2">To mean devices for a sordid end.</p>
+<p class="i2">Courage&mdash;an independent spark from Heaven's
+bright throne,</p>
+<p class="i2">By which the soul stands raised, triumphant, high,
+alone.</p>
+<p class="i2">Great in itself, not praises of the crowd,</p>
+<p class="i2">Above all vice, it stoops not to be proud.</p>
+<p class="i2">Courage, the mighty attribute of powers above,</p>
+<p class="i2">By which those great in war, are great in love.</p>
+<p class="i2">The spring of all brave acts is seated here,</p>
+<p class="i2">As falsehoods draw their sordid birth from fear.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Farquhar</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H175" id="H175"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COURTESY</h3>
+<p>The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the
+regulations, to make out a passport for a rich and highly
+respectable lady of his acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight
+disfigurement, was very vain of her personal appearance. His native
+politeness prompted him to gloss over the defect, and, after a
+moment's reflection, he wrote among the items of personal
+description: "Eyes dark, beautiful, tender, expressive, but one of
+them missing."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mrs. Taft, at a diplomatic dinner, had for a neighbor a
+distinguished French traveler who boasted a little unduly of his
+nation's politeness.</p>
+<p>"We French," the traveler declared, "are the politest people in
+the world. Every one acknowledges it. You Americans are a
+remarkable nation, but the French excel you in politeness. You
+admit it yourself, don't you?"</p>
+<p>Mrs. Taft smiled delicately.</p>
+<p>"Yes," she said. "That is our politeness."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Justice Moody was once riding on the platform of a Boston street
+car standing next to the gate that protected passengers from cars
+coming on the other track. A Boston lady came to the door of the
+car and, as it stopped, started toward the gate, which was hidden
+from her by the man standing before it.</p>
+<p>"Other side, lady," said the conductor.</p>
+<p>He was ignored as only a born-and-bred Bostonian can ignore a
+man. The lady took another step toward the gate.</p>
+<p>"You must get off the other side," said the conductor.</p>
+<p>"I wish to get off on this side," came the answer, in tones that
+congealed that official. Before he could explain or expostulate Mr.
+Moody came to his assistance.</p>
+<p>"Stand to one side, gentlemen," he remarked quietly. "The lady
+wishes to climb over the gate."</p>
+<a name="H176" id="H176"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COURTS</h3>
+<p>One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts
+he didn't like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time
+when the Judge ruled against "old Thad," the old man got up with
+scarlet face and quivering lips and commenced tying up his papers
+as if to quit the courtroom.</p>
+<p>"Do I understand, Mr. Stevens," asked the Judge, eying "old
+Thad" indignantly, "that you wish to show your contempt for this
+court?"</p>
+<p>"No, sir; no, sir," replied "old Thad." "I don't want to show my
+contempt, sir; I'm trying to conceal it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"It's all right to fine me, Judge," laughed Barrowdale, after
+the proceedings were over, "but just the same you were ahead of me
+in your car, and if I was guilty you were too."</p>
+<p>"Ya'as, I know," said the judge with a chuckle, "I found myself
+guilty and hev jest paid my fine into the treasury same ez
+you."</p>
+<p>"Bully for you!" said Barrowdale. "By the way, do you put these
+fines back into the roads?"</p>
+<p>"No," said the judge. "They go to the trial jestice in loo o'
+sal'ry."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A stranger came into an Augusta bank the other day and presented
+a check for which he wanted the equivalent in cash.</p>
+<p>"Have to be identified," said the clerk.</p>
+<p>The stranger took a bunch of letters from his pocket all
+addressed to the same name as that on the check.</p>
+<p>The clerk shook his head.</p>
+<p>The man thought a minute and pulled out his watch, which bore
+the name on its inside cover.</p>
+<p>Clerk hardly glanced at it.</p>
+<p>The man dug into his pockets and found one of those
+"If-I-should-die-tonight-please-notify-my-wife" cards, and called
+the clerk's attention to the description, which fitted to a T.</p>
+<p>But the clerk was still obdurate.</p>
+<p>"Those things don't prove anything," he said. "We've got to have
+the word of a man that we know."</p>
+<p>"But, man, I've given you an identification that would convict
+me of murder in any court in the land."</p>
+<p>"That's probably very true," responded the clerk, patiently,
+"but in matters connected with the bank we have to be more
+careful."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Jury; Witnesses.</p>
+<a name="H177" id="H177"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COURTSHIP</h3>
+<p>"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the
+first girl you ever loved?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran</p>
+<p class="i4">Fell in love with Maria McCann.</p>
+<p class="i6">With a yell and a whoop</p>
+<p class="i6">He cleared the front stoop</p>
+<p class="i4">Just ahead of her papa's brogan.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SPOONLEIGH&mdash;"Does your sister always look under the
+bed?"</p>
+<p>HER LITTLE BROTHER&mdash;"Yes, and when you come to see her she
+always looks under the sofa."&mdash;<i>J.J. O'Connell</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young man from the West,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who loved a young lady with zest;</p>
+<p class="i4">So hard did he press her</p>
+<p class="i4">To make her say, "Yes, sir,"</p>
+<p class="i2">That he broke three cigars in his vest.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I hope your father does not object to my staying so late," said
+Mr. Stayput as the clock struck twelve.</p>
+<p>"Oh, dear, no," replied Miss Dabbs, with difficulty suppressing
+a yawn, "He says you save him the expense of a night-watchman."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was an old monk of Siberia,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whose existence grew drearier and drearier;</p>
+<p class="i4">He burst from his cell</p>
+<p class="i4">With a hell of a yell,</p>
+<p class="i2">And eloped with the Mother Superior.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was scarcely half-past nine when the rather fierce-looking
+father of the girl entered the parlor where the timid lover was
+courting her. The father had his watch in his hand.</p>
+<p>"Young man," he said brusquely, "do you know what time it
+is?"</p>
+<p>"Y-y-yes sir," stuttered the frightened lover, as he scrambled
+out into the hall; "I&mdash;I was just going to leave!"</p>
+<p>After the beau had made a rapid exit, the father turned to the
+girl and said in astonishment:</p>
+<p>"What was the matter with that fellow? My watch has run down,
+and I simply wanted to know the time."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What were you and Mr. Smith talking about in the parlor?" asked
+her mother. "Oh, we were discussing our kith and kin," replied the
+young lady.</p>
+<p>The mother look dubiously at her daughter, whereupon her little
+brother, wishing to help his sister, said:</p>
+<p>"Yeth they wath, Mother. I heard 'em. Mr. Thmith asked her for a
+kith and she thaid, 'You kin.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>During a discussion of the fitness of things in general some one
+asked: "If a young man takes his best girl to the grand opera,
+spends $8 on a supper after the performance, and then takes her
+home in a taxicab, should he kiss her goodnight?"</p>
+<p>An old bachelor who was present growled: "I don't think she
+ought to expect it. Seems to me he has done enough for her."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A young woman who was about to wed decided at the last moment to
+test her sweetheart. So, selecting the prettiest girl she knew, she
+said to her, though she knew it was a great risk.</p>
+<p>"I'll arrange for Jack to take you out tonight&mdash;a walk on
+the beach in the moonlight, a lobster supper and all that sort of
+thing&mdash;and I want you, in order to put his fidelity to the
+proof, to ask him for a kiss."</p>
+<p>The other girl laughed, blushed and assented. The dangerous plot
+was carried out. Then the next day the girl in love visited the
+pretty one and said anxiously:</p>
+<p>"Well, did you ask him?"</p>
+<p>"No, dear."</p>
+<p>"No? Why not?"</p>
+<p>"I didn't get a chance. He asked me first."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Uncle Nehemiah, the proprietor of a ramshackle little hotel in
+Mobile, was aghast at finding a newly arrived guest with his arm
+around his daughter's waist.</p>
+<p>"Mandy, tell that niggah to take his arm from around yo' wais',"
+he indignantly commanded.</p>
+<p>"Tell him you'self," said Amanda. "He's a puffect stranger to
+me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Jack and I have parted forever."</p>
+<p>"Good gracious! What does that mean?"</p>
+<p>"Means that I'll get a five-pound box of candy in about an
+hour."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to solitaire with a partner,</p>
+<p class="i2">The only game in which one pair beats three of a
+kind.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Love; Proposals.</p>
+<a name="H178" id="H178"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COWARDS</h3>
+<p>Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in
+her house the night before.</p>
+<p>"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from
+under the bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out."</p>
+<p>"Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar's legs?"</p>
+<p>"No, my dear; my husband's legs. He heard the noise, too."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MRS. PECK&mdash;"Henry, what would you do if burglars broke into
+our house some night?"</p>
+<p>MR. PECK (<i>valiantly</i>)&mdash;"Humph! I should keep
+perfectly cool, my dear."</p>
+<p>And when, a few nights later, burglars <i>did</i> break in,
+Henry kept his promise: he hid in the ice-box.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Johnny hasn't been to school long, but he already holds some
+peculiar views regarding the administration of his particular
+room.</p>
+<p>The other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his
+usually smiling face.</p>
+<p>"Why, Johnny," said his mother, "what's the matter?"</p>
+<p>"I ain't going to that old school no more," he fiercely
+announced.</p>
+<p>"Why, Johnny," said his mother reproachfully, "you mustn't talk
+like that. What's wrong with the school?"</p>
+<p>"I ain't goin' there no more," Johnny replied; "an" it's because
+all th' boys in my room is blamed old cowards!"</p>
+<p>"Why, Johnny, Johnny!"</p>
+<p>"Yes, they are. There was a boy whisperin' this mornin', an'
+teacher saw him an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so
+many times. An' those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor
+nothin'. They let that old teacher bang th' head off th' poor
+little boy, an' they just sat there an' seen her do it!"</p>
+<p>"And what did you do, Johnny?"</p>
+<p>"I didn't do nothin'&mdash;I was the boy!"&mdash;<i>Cleveland
+Plain Dealer</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A negro came running down the lane as though the Old Boy were
+after him.</p>
+<p>"What are you running for, Mose?" called the colonel from the
+barn.</p>
+<p>"I ain't a-runnin' fo'," shouted back Mose. "I'se a-runnin'
+from!"</p>
+<a name="H179" id="H179"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>COWS</h3>
+<p>Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on
+a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his
+cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was
+greatly excited.</p>
+<p>"Oh, Cousin John, what is that?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"Why, that is only a cow," John replied.</p>
+<p>"And what are those things on her head?"</p>
+<p>"Horns," answered John.</p>
+<p>Before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud.</p>
+<p>Willie was astounded. Looking back, he demanded, in a very fever
+of interest:</p>
+<p>"Which horn did she blow?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was an old man who said, "How</p>
+<p class="i2">Shall I flee from this horrible cow?</p>
+<p class="i4">I will sit on this stile</p>
+<p class="i4">And continue to smile,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which may soften the heart of that cow."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H180" id="H180"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CRITICISM</h3>
+<p>FIRST MUSIC CRITIC&mdash;"I wasted a whole evening by going to
+that new pianist's concert last night!"</p>
+<p>SECOND MUSIC CRITIC&mdash;"Why?"</p>
+<p>FIRST MUSIC CRITIC&mdash;"His playing was above criticism!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i30">As soon</p>
+<p class="i2">Seek roses in December&mdash;ice in June,</p>
+<p class="i2">Hope, constancy in wind, or corn in chaff;</p>
+<p class="i2">Believe a woman or an epitaph,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or any other thing that's false, before</p>
+<p class="i2">You trust in critics.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Byron</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is much easier to be critical than to be
+correct.&mdash;<i>Disraeli</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Dramatic criticism.</p>
+<a name="H181" id="H181"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CRUELTY</h3>
+<p>"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the
+vase of flowers."</p>
+<p>"I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A."</p>
+<a name="H182" id="H182"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CUCUMBERS</h3>
+<p>Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does
+its best fighting till it's down.&mdash;Stanford Chaparral.</p>
+<a name="H183" id="H183"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CULTURE</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Kultur.</p>
+<a name="H184" id="H184"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CURFEW</h3>
+<p>A former resident of Marshall, Mo., was asking about the old
+town.</p>
+<p>"I understand they have a curfew law out there now," he
+said.</p>
+<p>"No," his informant answered, "they did have one, but they
+abandoned it."</p>
+<p>"What was the matter?"</p>
+<p>"Well, the bell rang at 9 o'clock, and almost everyone
+complained that it woke them up."</p>
+<a name="H185" id="H185"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CURIOSITY</h3>
+<p>The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully
+when a woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out
+too far and fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a
+chandelier, and she was suspended in mid-air. The minister noticed
+her undignified position and thundered at the congregation:</p>
+<p>"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck
+stone-blind."</p>
+<p>A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who
+dreaded the clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion
+and said:</p>
+<p>"I'm going to risk one eye."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A one-armed man entered a restaurant at noon and seated himself
+next to a dapper little other-people's-business man. The latter at
+once noticed his neighbor's left sleeve hanging loose and kept
+eying it in a how-did-it-happen sort of a way. The one-armed man
+paid no attention to him but kept on eating with his one hand.
+Finally the inquisitive one could stand it no longer. He changed
+his position a little, cleared his throat, and said: "I beg pardon,
+sir, but I see you have lost an arm."</p>
+<p>The one-armed man picked up his sleeve with his right hand and
+peered anxiously into it. "Bless my soul!" he exclaimed, looking up
+with great surprise. "I do believe you're right."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Wives.</p>
+<a name="H186" id="H186"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CYCLONES</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Windfalls.</p>
+<a name="H187" id="H187"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DACHSHUNDS</h3>
+<p>A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until
+his mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make
+congenial conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad.</p>
+<p>"Where is he?" questioned the dominic, knowing the way to a
+boy's heart.</p>
+<p>"Father sends him away for the winter. He says it takes him so
+long to go in and out of the door he cools the whole house
+off."</p>
+<a name="H188" id="H188"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DAMAGES</h3>
+<p>A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs.
+Delehanty, accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs.
+Delehanty and a Mrs. Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of
+opinion.</p>
+<p>When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Delehanty's
+troubles, the lawyer said:</p>
+<p>"You want to get damages, I suppose?"</p>
+<p>"Damages! Damages!" came in shrill tones from Mrs. Delehanty.
+"Haven't I got damages enough already, man? What I'm after is
+satisfaction."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Chicago man who was a passenger on a train that met with an
+accident not far from that city tells of a curious incident that he
+witnessed in the car wherein he was sitting.</p>
+<p>Just ahead of him were a man and his wife. Suddenly the train
+was derailed, and went bumping down a steep hill. The man evinced
+signs of the greatest terror; and when the car came to a stop he
+carefully examined himself to learn whether he had received any
+injury. After ascertaining that he was unhurt, he thought of his
+wife and damages.</p>
+<p>"Are you hurt, dear?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"No, thank Heaven!" was the grateful response.</p>
+<p>"Look here, then," continued hubby, "I'll tell you what we'll
+do. You let me black your eye, and we'll soak the company good for
+damages! It won't hurt you much. I'll give you just one good
+punch." <i>&mdash;Howard Morse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Up in Minnesota Mr. Olsen had a cow killed by a railroad train.
+In due season the claim agent for the railroad called.</p>
+<p>"We understand, of course, that the deceased was a very docile
+and valuable animal," said the claim agent in his most persuasive
+claim-agentlemanly manner "and we sympathize with you and your
+family in your loss. But, Mr. Olsen, you must remember this: Your
+cow had no business being upon our tracks. Those tracks are our
+private property and when she invaded them, she became a
+trespasser. Technically speaking, you, as her owner, became a
+trespasser also. But we have no desire to carry the issue into
+court and possibly give you trouble. Now then, what would you
+regard as a fair settlement between you and the railroad
+company?"</p>
+<p>"Vail," said Mr. Olsen slowly, "Ay bane poor Swede farmer, but
+Ay shall give you two dollars."</p>
+<a name="H189" id="H189"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DANCING</h3>
+<p>He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of
+dancing, so his friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it
+final?</p>
+<p>"Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I still love it,
+and I've merely stopped until I can find a concave lady for a
+partner."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>George Bernard Shaw was recently entertained at a house party.
+While the other guests were dancing, one of the onlookers called
+Mr. Shaw's attention to the awkward dancing of a German
+professor.</p>
+<p>"Really horrid dancing, isn't it, Mr. Shaw?"</p>
+<p>G.B.S. was not at a loss for the true Shavian response. "Oh
+that's not dancing" he answered. "That's the New Ethical
+Movement!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On a journey through the South not long ago, Wu Ting Fang was
+impressed by the preponderance of negro labor in one of the cities
+he visited. Wherever the entertainment committee led him, whether
+to factory, store or suburban plantation, all the hard work seemed
+to be borne by the black men.</p>
+<p>Minister Wu made no comment at the time, but in the evening when
+he was a spectator at a ball given in his honor, after watching the
+waltzing and two-stepping for half an hour, he remarked to his
+host:</p>
+<p>"Why don't you make the negroes do that for you, too?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">If they had danced the tango and the trot</p>
+<p class="i4">In days of old, there is no doubt we'd find</p>
+<p class="i2">The poet would have written&mdash;would he
+not?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">"On with the dance, let joy be unrefined!"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>J.J. O'Connell</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H190" id="H190"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DEAD BEATS</h3>
+<p>See <i>Bills</i>; Collecting of accounts.</p>
+<a name="H191" id="H191"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DEBTS</h3>
+<p>A train traveling through the West was held up by masked
+bandits. Two friends, who were on their way to California, were
+among the passengers.</p>
+<p>"Here's where we lose all our money," one said, as a robber
+entered the car.</p>
+<p>"You don't think they'll take everything, do you?" the other
+asked nervously.</p>
+<p>"Certainly," the first replied. "These fellows never miss
+anything."</p>
+<p>"That will be terrible," the second friend said. "Are you quite
+sure they won't leave us any money?" he persisted.</p>
+<p>"Of course," was the reply. "Why do you ask?"</p>
+<p>The other was silent for a minute. Then, taking a fifty-dollar
+note from his pocket, he handed it to his friend.</p>
+<p>"What is this for?" the first asked, taking the money.</p>
+<p>"That's the fifty dollars I owe you," the other answered. "Now
+we're square."&mdash;<i>W. Dayton Wegefarth</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>WILLIS&mdash;"He calls himself a dynamo."</p>
+<p>GILLIS&mdash;"No wonder; everything he has on is
+charged."&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Anticipated rents, and bills unpaid,</p>
+<p class="i2">Force many a shining youth into the shade,</p>
+<p class="i2">Not to redeem his time, but his estate,</p>
+<p class="i2">And play the fool, but at the cheaper rate.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Cowper</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I hold every man a debtor to his
+profession.&mdash;<i>Bacon</i>.</p>
+<a name="H192" id="H192"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DEER</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"The deer's a mighty useful beast</p>
+<p class="i4">From Petersburg to Tennyson</p>
+<p class="i2">For while he lives he lopes around</p>
+<p class="i4">And when he's dead he's venison."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Ellis Parker Butler</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H193" id="H193"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DEGREES</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A young theologian named Fiddle</p>
+<p class="i4">Refused to accept his degree;</p>
+<p class="i2">"For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle,</p>
+<p class="i4">Without being Fiddle D.D."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H194" id="H194"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DEMOCRACY</h3>
+<p>"Why are you so vexed, Irma?"</p>
+<p>"I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social
+Equality League, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the
+audacity to call me to order three times."&mdash;<i>M. L.
+Hayward</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Ancestry.</p>
+<a name="H195" id="H195"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DEMOCRATIC PARTY</h3>
+<p>HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN&mdash;"Which ward do you wish to be taken to?
+A pay ward or a&mdash;"</p>
+<p>MALONEY&mdash;"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic."</p>
+<a name="H196" id="H196"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DENTISTRY</h3>
+<p>Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was
+dusty, and there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in
+his eye, and he held out a baby tooth.</p>
+<p>"How did you pull it?" demanded his mother.</p>
+<p>"Oh," he said bravely, "it was easy enough. I just fell down,
+and the whole world came up and pushed it out."</p>
+<a name="H197" id="H197"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DENTISTS</h3>
+<p>The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain
+employment for his own.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed.
+That night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was
+surprised to hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive
+our dentists."&mdash;<i>Everybody's</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade,
+because his trade was nothing else but to take away those things
+whereby every man gets his living.&mdash;<i>Haglitt</i>.</p>
+<a name="H198" id="H198"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DESCRIPTION</h3>
+<p>A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a
+willowy figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She
+must have been raised in the lumber regions.&mdash;<i>Ella
+Hutchison Ellwanger</i>.</p>
+<a name="H199" id="H199"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DESIGN, DECORATIVE</h3>
+<p>Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of
+lace she had just crocheted.</p>
+<p>"Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned.</p>
+<p>"Out of my head," she answered lightly.</p>
+<p>"Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked
+anxiously.&mdash;<i>C. Hilton Turvey</i>.</p>
+<a name="H200" id="H200"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DESTINATION</h3>
+<p>A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney,
+has succeeded in extracting thrills from the
+alphabet&mdash;imparting excitement to the names of the national
+capitol's streets. On a recent Sunday morning he was calling the
+streets thus:</p>
+<p>"Haitch!"</p>
+<p>"High!"</p>
+<p>"Jay!"</p>
+<p>"Kay!"</p>
+<p>"Hell!"</p>
+<p>At this point three prim ladies picked up their prayer-books and
+left the car.&mdash;<i>Lippincott's Magazine</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Andrew Lang once invited a friend to dinner when he was staying
+in Marlowe's road, Earl's Court, a street away at the end of that
+long Cromwell road, which seems to go on forever. The guest was not
+very sure how to get there, so Lang explained:</p>
+<p>"Walk right' along Cromwell road," he said, "till you drop dead
+and my house is just opposite!"</p>
+<a name="H201" id="H201"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DETAILS</h3>
+<p>Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the
+importance of detail.</p>
+<p>"Those who work for me," he said, "follow my directions down to
+the very smallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often
+to go altogether wrong&mdash;like the dissipated husband.</p>
+<p>"A dissipated husband as he stood before his house in the small
+hours searching for his latchkey, muttered to himself:</p>
+<p>"'Now which did my wife say&mdash;hic&mdash;have two whishkies
+an' get home by 12, or&mdash;hic&mdash;have twelve whishkies an'
+get home by 2?'"</p>
+<a name="H202" id="H202"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DETECTIVES</h3>
+<p>When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was
+instantly recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged.
+When the great literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said
+quite respectfully:</p>
+<p>"If you please, sir, I should much prefer a ticket to your
+lecture. If you should have none with you a visiting-card penciled
+by yourself would do."</p>
+<p>Conan Doyle laughed.</p>
+<p>"Tell me," he said, "how did you know who I was, and I will give
+you tickets for your whole family."</p>
+<p>"Thank you sir," was the reply. "Why, we all knew&mdash;that is,
+all the members of the Cabmen's Literary Guild knew&mdash;that you
+were coming by this train. I happen to be the only member on duty
+at the station this morning. If you will excuse personal remarks
+your coat lapels are badly twisted downward where they have been
+grasped by the pertinacious New York reporters. Your hair has the
+Quakerish cut of a Philadelphia barber, and your hat, battered at
+the brim in front, shows where you have tightly grasped it in the
+struggle to stand your ground at a Chicago literary luncheon. Your
+right overshoe has a large block of Buffalo mud just under the
+instep, the odor of a Utica cigar hangs about your clothing, and
+the overcoat itself shows the slovenly brushing of the porters of
+the through sleepers from Albany, and stenciled upon the very end
+of the 'Wellington' in fairly plain lettering is your name, 'Conan
+Doyle.'"</p>
+<a name="H203" id="H203"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DETERMINATION</h3>
+<p>After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is
+said to have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a
+Democratic merchant:</p>
+<p>MERCHANT (<i>with a sigh</i>)&mdash;"Well, the old General is
+dead."</p>
+<p>BROKER (<i>with a shrug</i>)&mdash;"Yes, he's gone at last."</p>
+<p>MERCHANT (<i>not appreciating the shrug</i>)&mdash;"Well, sir,
+he was a good man."</p>
+<p>BROKER (<i>with shrug more pronounced</i>)&mdash;"I don't know
+about that."</p>
+<p>MERCHANT (<i>energetically</i>)&mdash;"He was a good man, sir.
+If any man has gone to heaven, General Jackson has gone to
+heaven."</p>
+<p>BROKER (<i>doggedly</i>)&mdash;"I don't know about that."</p>
+<p>MERCHANT&mdash;"Well, sir, I tell you that if Andrew Jackson had
+made up his mind to go to heaven, you may depend upon it he's
+there."</p>
+<a name="H204" id="H204"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DIAGNOSIS</h3>
+<p>An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long
+ago, and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was
+found pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was
+written:</p>
+<p>"This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of
+plain fit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed
+twice."</p>
+<a name="H205" id="H205"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DIET</h3>
+<p>Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye
+diet.&mdash;<i>William Gilmore Beymer</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young lady named Perkins,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who had a great fondness for gherkins;</p>
+<p class="i4">She went to a tea</p>
+<p class="i4">And ate twenty-three,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which pickled her internal workin's.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Mother," asked the little one, on the occasion of a number of
+guests being present at dinner, "will the dessert hurt me, or is
+there enough to go round?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The doctor told him he needed carbohydrates, proteids, and above
+all, something nitrogenous. The doctor mentioned a long list of
+foods for him to eat. He staggered out and wabbled into a Penn
+avenue restaurant.</p>
+<p>"How about beefsteak?" he asked the waiter. "Is that
+nitrogenous?"</p>
+<p>The waiter didn't know.</p>
+<p>"Are fried potatoes rich in carbohydrates or not?"</p>
+<p>The waiter couldn't say.</p>
+<p>"Well, I'll fix it," declared the poor man in despair. "Bring me
+a large plate of hash."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A Colonel, who used to assert</p>
+<p class="i2">That naught his digestion could hurt,</p>
+<p class="i4">Was forced to admit</p>
+<p class="i4">That his weak point was hit</p>
+<p class="i2">When they gave him hot shot for dessert.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>To abstain that we may enjoy is the epicurianism of
+reason.&mdash;<i>Rousseau</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>They are as sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve
+with nothing.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+<a name="H206" id="H206"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DILEMMAS</h3>
+<p>A story that has done service in political campaigns to
+illustrate supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be
+revived in every political "heated term."</p>
+<p>Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of
+the western mountains, two hardy prospectors fell in with a bull
+bison that seemed to have been separated from his kind and run
+amuck. One of the prospectors took to the branches of a tree and
+the other dived into a cave. The buffalo bellowed at the entrance
+to the cavern and then turned toward the tree. Out came the man
+from the cave, and the buffalo took after him again. The man made
+another dive for the hole. After this had been repeated several
+times, the man in the tree called to his comrade, who was trembling
+at the mouth of the cavern:</p>
+<p>"Stay in the cave, you idiot!"</p>
+<p>"You don't know nothing about this hole," bawled the other.
+"There's a bear in it!"</p>
+<a name="H207" id="H207"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DINING</h3>
+<p>A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic
+marathon.&mdash;<i>John E. Rosser</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand,
+turn over, and do such queer stunts."</p>
+<p>"I am not surprised; he never did have good table manners."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Chakey, Chakey," called the big sister as she stood in the
+doorway and looked down the street toward the group of small boys:
+"Chakey, come in alreaty and eat youseself. Maw she's on the table
+and Paw he's half et."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young lady of Cork,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whose Pa made a fortune in pork;</p>
+<p class="i4">He bought for his daughter</p>
+<p class="i4">A tutor who taught her</p>
+<p class="i2">To balance green peas on her fork.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An anecdote about Dr. Randall Davidson, bishop of Winchester, is
+that after an ecclesiastical function, as the clergy were trooping
+in to luncheon, an unctuous archdeacon observed: "This is the time
+to put a bridle on our appetites!"</p>
+<p>"Yes," replied the bishop, "this is the time to put a bit in our
+mouths!"&mdash;<i>Christian Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young lady named Maud,</p>
+<p class="i2">A very deceptive young fraud;</p>
+<p class="i4">She never was able</p>
+<p class="i4">To eat at the table,</p>
+<p class="i2">But out in the pantry&mdash;O Lord!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Father's trip abroad did him so much good," said the self-made
+man's daughter. "He looks better, feels better, and as for
+appetite&mdash;honestly, it would just do your heart good to hear
+him eat!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Whistler, the artist, was one day invited to dinner at a
+friend's house and arrived at his destination two hours late.</p>
+<p>"How extraordinary!" he exclaimed, as he walked into the
+dining-room where the company was seated at the table; "really, I
+should think you might have waited a bit&mdash;why, you're just
+like a lot of pigs with your eating!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A macaroon,</p>
+<p class="i4">A cup of tea,</p>
+<p class="i2">An afternoon,</p>
+<p class="i4">Is all that she</p>
+<p class="i2">Will eat;</p>
+<p class="i4">She's in society.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">But let me take</p>
+<p class="i4">This maiden fair</p>
+<p class="i2">To some caf&eacute;,</p>
+<p class="i4">And, then and there,</p>
+<p class="i2">She'll eat the whole</p>
+<p class="i4">Blame bill of fare.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>The Mystic Times</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The small daughter of the house was busily setting the tables
+for expected company when her mother called to her:</p>
+<p>"Put down three forks at each place, dear."</p>
+<p>Having made some observations on her own account when the
+expected guests had dined with her mother before, she inquired
+thoughtfully:</p>
+<p>"Shall I give Uncle John three knives?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>For a man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than
+he does of his dinner&mdash;<i>Samuel Johnson</i>.</p>
+<a name="H2071" id="H2071"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DIPLOMACY</h3>
+<p>WIFE&mdash;"Please match this piece of silk for me before you
+come home."</p>
+<p>HUSBAND&mdash;"At the counter where the sweet little blond
+works? The one with the soulful eyes and&mdash;"</p>
+<p>WIFE&mdash;"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's
+work is done, dear. On second thought, I won't bother you."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Scripture tells us that a soft answer turneth away wrath. A
+witty repartee sometimes helps one immensely also.</p>
+<p>When Richard Olney was secretary of state he frequently gave
+expression to the opinion that appointees to the consular service
+should speak the language of the countries to which they were
+respectively accredited. It is said that when a certain breezy and
+enterprising western politician who was desirous of serving the
+Cleveland administration in the capacity of consul of the Chinese
+ports presented his papers to Mr. Olney, the secretary
+remarked:</p>
+<p>"Are you aware, Mr. Blank, that I never recommend to the
+President the appointment of a consul unless he speaks the language
+of the country to which he desires to go? Now, I suppose you do not
+speak Chinese?"</p>
+<p>Whereupon the westerner grinned broadly. "If, Mr. Secretary,"
+said he, "you will ask me a question in Chinese, I shall be happy
+to answer it." He got the appointment.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Miss de Simpson," said the young secretary of legation, "I have
+opened negotiations with your father upon the subject
+of&mdash;er&mdash;coming to see you oftener, with a view ultimately
+to forming an alliance, and he has responded favorably. May I ask
+if you will ratify the arrangement, as a <i>modus vivendi?</i>"</p>
+<p>"Mr. von Harris," answered the daughter of the eminent diplomat,
+"don't you think it would have been a more graceful recognition of
+my administrative entity if you had asked me first?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I call'd the devil and he came,</p>
+<p class="i4">And with wonder his form did I closely scan;</p>
+<p class="i2">He is not ugly, and is not lame,</p>
+<p class="i4">But really a handsome and charming man.</p>
+<p class="i2">A man in the prime of life is the devil,</p>
+<p class="i2">Obliging, a man of the world, and civil;</p>
+<p class="i2">A diplomatist too, well skill'd in debate,</p>
+<p class="i2">He talks quite glibly of church and state.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Heine</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H208" id="H208"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DISCIPLINE</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Military discipline; Parents.</p>
+<a name="H209" id="H209"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DISCOUNTS</h3>
+<p>A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the
+pockets of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a
+traveling salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished
+out $200, but rapidly took $4 from the pile and placed it in his
+vest pocket.</p>
+<p>"What do you mean by that?" asked the robber, as he toyed with
+his revolver. Hurriedly came the answer: "Mine frent, you surely
+vould not refuse me two per zent discount on a strictly cash
+transaction like dis?"</p>
+<a name="H210" id="H210"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DISCRETION</h3>
+<p>When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club.</p>
+<a name="H211" id="H211"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DISPOSITION</h3>
+<p>One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents
+to animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the
+killing of a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition
+of carcass?" he wrote: "Kind and gentle."</p>
+<p>There was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered.
+He was always cross.</p>
+<a name="H212" id="H212"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DISTANCES</h3>
+<p>A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the
+rolling prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot,
+blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were
+impatient to reach the next town.</p>
+<p>A rancher rode past.</p>
+<p>"Say, friend," called out one of the men, "how far is it to the
+next town?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the
+rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was
+encountered.</p>
+<p>"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.</p>
+<p>"Oh, a good two miles."</p>
+<p>A weary half-hour longer of marching, and then a third
+rancher.</p>
+<p>"Hey, how far's the next town?"</p>
+<p>"Not far," was the encouraging answer. "Only about two
+miles."</p>
+<p>"Well," sighed an optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holdin'
+our own, anyhow!"</p>
+<a name="H213" id="H213"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DIVORCE</h3>
+<p>"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a
+week what would you call it?"</p>
+<p>"Taking his name in vain."&mdash;<i>Princeton Tiger</i>.</p>
+<a name="H214" id="H214"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DOGS</h3>
+<p>LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost
+poodle)&mdash;"The poor little darling, where did you find
+him?"</p>
+<p>TRAMP&mdash;"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was
+cleaning the windows wiv 'im!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were
+told that they should get a watchdog to guard the premises at
+night. So they bought the largest dog that was for sale in the
+kennels of a neighboring dog fancier, who was a German. Shortly
+afterward the house was entered by burglars who made a good haul,
+while the big dog slept. The man went to the dog fancier and told
+him about it.</p>
+<p>"Veil, vat you need now," said the dog merchant, "is a leedle
+dog to vake up the big dog."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Dogs is mighty useful beasts</p>
+<p class="i4">They might seem bad at first</p>
+<p class="i2">They might seem worser right along</p>
+<p class="i4">But when they're dead</p>
+<p class="i10">They're wurst."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Ellis Parker Butler</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"My dog took first prize at the cat show."</p>
+<p>"How was that?"</p>
+<p>"He took the cat."&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FAIR VISITOR&mdash;"Why are you giving Fido's teeth such a
+thorough brushing?"</p>
+<p>FOND MISTRESS&mdash;"Oh! The poor darling's just bitten some
+horrid person, and, really, you know, one can't be too
+careful."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Do you know that that bulldog of yours killed my wife's little
+harmless, affectionate poodle?"</p>
+<p>"Well, what are you going to do about it?"</p>
+<p>"Would you be offended if I was to present him with a nice brass
+collar?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Fleshy Miss Muffet</p>
+<p class="i2">Sat down on Tuffet,</p>
+<p class="i4">A very good dog in his way;</p>
+<p class="i2">When she saw what she'd done,</p>
+<p class="i2">She started to run&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">And Tuffet was buried next day.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>L.T.H</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at
+Swansea, R. I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning
+when a rash dog ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs.
+Stevens promptly kicked the animal halfway across the tracks, and
+was immediately confronted by the owner, who demanded an
+explanation in language more forcible than courteous.</p>
+<p>"Why," said Stevens when the other paused for breath, "your
+dog's mad."</p>
+<p>"Mad! Mad! You double-dyed blankety-blank fool, he ain't
+mad!"</p>
+<p>"Oh, ain't he?" cut in Stevens. "Gosh! I should be if any one
+kicked me like that!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One would have it that a collie is the most sagacious of dogs,
+while the other stood up for the setter.</p>
+<p>"I once owned a setter," declared the latter, "which was very
+intelligent. I had him on the street one day, and he acted so
+queerly about a certain man we met that I asked the man his name,
+and&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Oh, that's an old story!" the collie's advocate broke in
+sneeringly. "The man's name was Partridge, of course, and because
+of that the dog came to a set. Ho, ho! Come again!"</p>
+<p>"You're mistaken," rejoined the other suavely. "The dog didn't
+come quite to a set, though almost. As a matter of fact, the man's
+name was Quayle, and the dog hesitated on account of the
+spelling!"&mdash;<i>P. R. Benson</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The more one sees of men the more one likes dogs.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Dachshunds.</p>
+<a name="H215" id="H215"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DOMESTIC FINANCE</h3>
+<p>"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a
+strategist himself."</p>
+<p>"As to how?"</p>
+<p>"Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found
+it out yet."&mdash;<i>Washington Herald</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her little boy the
+story of a young lad whose father was taken ill and died, after
+which he set himself diligently to work to support himself and his
+mother. When she had finished her story she said:</p>
+<p>"Dear Billy, if your papa were to die, would you work to support
+your dear mamma?"</p>
+<p>"Naw!" said Billy unexpectedly.</p>
+<p>"But why not?"</p>
+<p>"Ain't we got a good house to live in?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, dearie, but we can't eat the house, you know."</p>
+<p>"Ain't there a lot o' stuff in the pantry?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, but that won't last forever."</p>
+<p>"It'll last till you git another husband, won't it? You're a
+pretty good looker, ma!"</p>
+<p>Mamma gave up right there.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I am sending you a thousand kisses," he wrote to his fair young
+wife who was spending her first month away from him. Two days later
+he received the following telegram: "Kisses received. Landlord
+refuses to accept any of them on account." Then he woke up and
+forwarded a check.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Trouble.</p>
+<a name="H216" id="H216"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DOMESTIC RELATIONS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young man of Dunbar,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who playfully poisoned his Ma;</p>
+<p class="i4">When he'd finished his work,</p>
+<p class="i4">He remarked with a smirk,</p>
+<p class="i2">"This will cause quite a family jar."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Families; Marriage.</p>
+<a name="H217" id="H217"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DRAMA</h3>
+<p>The average modern play calls in the first act for all our
+faith, in the second for all our hope, and in the last for all our
+charity.&mdash;<i>Eugene Walter</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't
+having a good time. He cared nothing for the Shakespearean
+drama.</p>
+<p>"What's the greatest play you ever saw?" the young woman asked,
+observing his abstraction.</p>
+<p>Instantly he brightened.</p>
+<p>"Tinker touching a man out between second and third and getting
+the ball over to Chance in time to nab the runner to first!" he
+said.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>LARRY&mdash;"I like Professor Whatishisname in Shakespeare. He
+brings things home to you that you never saw before."</p>
+<p>HARRY&mdash;"Huh! I've got a laundryman as good as that."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I think I love and reverence all arts equally, only putting my
+own just above the others.... To me it seems as if when God
+conceived the world, that was Poetry; He formed it, and that was
+Sculpture; He colored it, and that was Painting; He peopled it with
+living beings, and that was the grand, divine, eternal
+Drama.&mdash;<i>Charlotte Cushman</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two women were leaving the theater after a performance of "The
+Doll's House."</p>
+<p>"Oh, don't you <i>love</i> Ibsen?" asked one, ecstatically.
+"Doesn't he just take all the hope out of life?"</p>
+<a name="H218" id="H218"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DRAMATIC CRITICISM</h3>
+<p>Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism.</p>
+<p>"I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard
+in the lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the
+play."</p>
+<p>"The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, which was for
+his wife's ears alone, consisted of these words:</p>
+<p>"'Well, you would come!'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Nat Goodwin, the American comedian, when at the Shaftesbury
+Theatre, London, told of an experience he once had with a juvenile
+deadhead in a town in America. Standing outside the theater a
+little time before the performance was due to begin he observed a
+small boy with an anxious, forlorn look on his face and a
+weedy-looking pup in his arms.</p>
+<p>Goodwin inquired what was the matter, and was told that the boy
+wished to sell the dog so as to raise the price of a seat in the
+gallery. The actor suspected at once a dodge to secure a pass on
+the "sympathy racket," but allowing himself to be taken in he gave
+the boy a pass. The dog was deposited in a safe place and the boy
+was able to watch Goodwin as the Gilded Fool from a good seat in
+the gallery. Next day Goodwin saw the boy again near the theater,
+so he asked:</p>
+<p>"Well, sonny, how did you like the show?"</p>
+<p>"I'm glad I didn't sell my dog," was the reply.</p>
+<a name="H219" id="H219"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DRAMATISTS</h3>
+<p>"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the
+boards."</p>
+<p>"Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the
+snow storm scene."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"So you think the author of this play will live, do you?"
+remarked the tourist.</p>
+<p>"Yes," replied the manager of the Frozen Dog Opera House. "He's
+got a five-mile start and I don't think the boys kin ketch
+him."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>We all know the troubles of a dramatist are many and varied.</p>
+<p>Here's an advertisement taken from a morning paper that shows to
+what a pass a genius may come in a great city:</p>
+<p>"Wanted&mdash;A collaborator, by a young playwright. The play is
+already written; collaborator to furnish board and bed until play
+is produced."</p>
+<a name="H220" id="H220"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DRESSMAKERS</h3>
+<p>WIFE&mdash;"Wretch! Show me that letter."</p>
+<p>HUSBAND&mdash;"What letter?"</p>
+<p>WIFE&mdash;"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see
+by the writing, and you turned pale when you saw it."</p>
+<p>HUSBAND&mdash;"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's
+bill."</p>
+<a name="H221" id="H221"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DRINKING</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober,</p>
+<p class="i2">Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October;</p>
+<p class="i2">But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow,</p>
+<p class="i2">Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Parody on Fletcher</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no
+occasion.&mdash;<i>Cervantes</i>.</p>
+<p>I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could wish
+courtesy would invent some other custom of
+entertainment.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The Frenchman loves his native wine;</p>
+<p class="i4">The German loves his beer;</p>
+<p class="i2">The Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf,</p>
+<p class="i4">Because it brings good cheer;</p>
+<p class="i2">The Irishman loves his "whiskey straight,"</p>
+<p class="i4">Because it gives him dizziness;</p>
+<p class="i2">The American has no choice at all,</p>
+<p class="i4">So he drinks the whole blamed business.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A young Englishman came to Washington and devoted his days and
+nights to an earnest endeavor to drink all the Scotch whiskey there
+was. He couldn't do it, and presently went to a doctor, complaining
+of a disordered stomach.</p>
+<p>"Quit drinking!" ordered the doctor.</p>
+<p>"But, my dear sir, I cawn't. I get so thirsty."</p>
+<p>"Well," said the doctor, "whenever you are thirsty eat an apple
+instead of taking a drink."</p>
+<p>The Englishman paid his fee and left. He met a friend to whom he
+told his experience.</p>
+<p>"Bally rot!" he protested. "Fawncy eating forty apples a
+day!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>If you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you
+think is wholesome, you may say "you wish you could, but so little
+makes you both drunk and sick; that you should only be bad company
+by doing so."&mdash;<i>Lord Chesterfield</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the
+slip.&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year's
+resolution.&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)&mdash;"What do you
+drink."</p>
+<p>SANDY (with brightening face)&mdash;"Oh, I'm nae particular,
+doctor! Anything you've got with ye."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Here's to the girls of the American shore, I love but one, I
+love no more, Since she's not here to drink her part, I'll drink
+her share with all my heart.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine
+recently, when news reached him of an addition to his family
+circle. The happy father immediately provided himself with some
+water from the Jordan to carry home for the christening of the
+infant, and returned to Scotland.</p>
+<p>On the Sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly presented
+himself at the church, and sought out the beadle in order to hand
+over the precious water to his care. He pulled the flask from his
+pocket, but the beadle held up a warning hand, and came nearer to
+whisper:</p>
+<p>"No the noo, sir; no the noo! Maybe after the kirk's oot!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When President Eliot of Harvard was in active service as head of
+the university, reports came to him that one of his young charges
+was in the habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him,
+and President Eliot determined to do his duty and look into the
+matter.</p>
+<p>Meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly after
+breakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded,
+"Young man, do you drink?"</p>
+<p>"Why, why, why," stammered the young man, "why, President Eliot,
+not so early in the morning, thank you."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>WIFE (on auto tour)&mdash;"That fellow back there said there is
+a road-house a few miles down the road. Shall we stop there?"</p>
+<p>HUSBAND&mdash;"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish
+parishioners to get a shave. He observed the barber was suffering
+from a recent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few
+moments the barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek. "There,
+Pat, you have cut me," said the priest as he raised his hand and
+caressed the wound. "Yis, y'r riv'rance," answered the barber.
+"That shows you," continued the priest, in a tone of censure, "what
+the use of liquor will do." "Yis, y'r riv'rance," replied the
+barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Ex-congressman Asher G. Caruth, of Kentucky, tells this story of
+an experience he once had on a visit to a little Ohio town.</p>
+<p>"I went up there on legal business," he says, "and, knowing that
+I should have to stay all night, I proceeded directly to the only
+hotel. The landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a
+kindly air as I registered. It seems that he was a little hard of
+hearing, a fact of which I was not aware. As I jabbed the pen back
+into the dish of bird shot, I said:</p>
+<p>"'Can you direct me to the bank?'</p>
+<p>"He looked at me blankly for a second, then swinging the
+register around, he glanced down swiftly, caught the 'Louisville'
+after my name, and an expression of complete understanding lighting
+up his countenance, he said:</p>
+<p>"'Certainly, sir. You will find the bar right through that door
+at the left.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Drunkards; Good fellowship; Temperance;
+Wine.</p>
+<a name="H222" id="H222"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DROUGHTS</h3>
+<p>Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through
+Arizona, noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country.</p>
+<p>"Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the
+natives.</p>
+<p>"Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's
+bullfrogs in this yere town over five years old that hain't learned
+to swim yet!"</p>
+<a name="H223" id="H223"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DRUNKARDS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Sing a song of sick gents,</p>
+<p class="i2">Pockets full of rye,</p>
+<p class="i2">Four and twenty highballs,</p>
+<p class="i2">We wish that we might die.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after
+being out nearly all night.</p>
+<p>"Don't your wife miss you on these occasions?" asked one.</p>
+<p>"Not often," replied the other; "she throws pretty
+straight."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Where's old Four-Fingered Pete?" asked Alkali Ike. "I ain't
+seen him around here since I got back."</p>
+<p>"Pete?" said the bartender. "Oh, he went up to Hyena Tongue and
+got jagged. Went up to a hotel winder, stuck his head in and
+hollered 'Fire!' and everybody did."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Irish talent for repartee has an amusing illustration in
+Lord Rossmore's recent book "Things I Can Tell." While acting as
+magistrate at an Irish village, Lord Rossmore said to an old
+offender brought before him: "You here again?" "Yes, your honor."
+"What's brought you here?" "Two policemen, your honor." "Come,
+come, I know that&mdash;drunk again, I suppose?" "Yes, your honor,
+both of them."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The colonel came down to breakfast New Year's morning with a
+bandaged hand.</p>
+<p>"Why, colonel, what's the matter?" they asked.</p>
+<p>"Confound it all!" the colonel answered, "we had a little party
+last night, and one of the younger men got intoxicated and stepped
+on my hand."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MAGISTRATE&mdash;"And what was the prisoner doing?"</p>
+<p>CONSTABLE&mdash;"E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab
+driver, yer worship."</p>
+<p>MAGISTRATE&mdash;"But that doesn't prove he was drunk."</p>
+<p>CONSTABLE&mdash;"Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer
+worship."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Scotch minister and his servant, who were coming home from a
+wedding, began to consider the state into which their potations at
+the wedding feast had left them.</p>
+<p>"Sandy," said the minister, "just stop a minute here till I go
+ahead. Maybe I don't walk very steady and the good wife might
+remark something not just right."</p>
+<p>He walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then
+asked:</p>
+<p>"How is it? Am I walking straight?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, ay," answered Sandy thickly, "ye're a' recht&mdash;but
+who's that who's with ye."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and
+kicking most vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a
+near-by policeman.</p>
+<p>"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one.</p>
+<p>"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I
+know she'sh home all right&mdash;I shee a light upshtairs."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a
+thoughtful brow boarded a New York elevated train and took the only
+unoccupied seat. The man next him had evidently been drinking. For
+a while the little man contented himself with merely sniffing
+contemptuously at his neighbor, but finally he summoned the
+guard.</p>
+<p>"Conductor," he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken
+people to ride upon this train?"</p>
+<p>"No, sir," replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But
+don't say a word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me
+I'd never have noticed ye."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A noisy bunch tacked out of their club late one night, and up
+the street. They stopped in front of an imposing residence. After
+considerable discussion one of them advanced and pounded on the
+door. A woman stuck her head out of a second-story window and
+demanded, none too sweetly: "What do you want?"</p>
+<p>"Ish thish the residence of Mr. Smith?" inquired the man on the
+steps, with an elaborate bow.</p>
+<p>"It is. What do you want?"</p>
+<p>"Ish it possible I have the honor of speakin' to Misshus
+Smith?"</p>
+<p>"Yes. What do you want?"</p>
+<p>"Dear Misshus Smith! Good Misshus Smith! Will
+you&mdash;hic&mdash;come down an' pick out Mr. Smith? The resh of
+us want to go home."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>That clever and brilliant genius, McDougall, who represented
+California in the United States Senate, was like many others of his
+class somewhat addicted to fiery stimulants, and unable to battle
+long with them without showing the effect of the struggle. Even in
+his most exhausted condition he was, however, brilliant at
+repartee; but one night, at a supper of journalists given to the
+late George D. Prentice, a genius of the same mold and the same
+unfortunate habit, he found a foeman worthy of his steel in General
+John Cochrane. McDougall had taken offense at some anti-slavery
+sentiments which had been uttered&mdash;it was in war
+times&mdash;and late in the evening got on his legs for the tenth
+time to make a reply. The spirit did not move him to utterance,
+however; on the contrary, it quite deprived him of the power of
+speech; and after an ineffectual attempt at speech he suddenly
+concluded:</p>
+<p>"Those are my sentiments, sir, and my name's McDougall."</p>
+<p>"I beg the gentleman's pardon," said General Cochrane, springing
+to his feet; "but what was that last remark?"</p>
+<p>McDougall pronounced it again; "my name's McDougall."</p>
+<p>"There must be some error," said Cochrane, gravely. "I have
+known Mr. McDougall many years, and there never was a time when as
+late as twelve o'clock at night he knew what his name was."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old German and his youngest
+son were seated in the village inn. The father had partaken
+liberally of the home-brewed beer, and was warning his son against
+the evils of intemperance. "Never drink too much, my son. A
+gentleman stops when he has enough. To be drunk is a disgrace."</p>
+<p>"Yes, Father, but how can I tell when I have enough or am
+drunk?"</p>
+<p>The old man pointed with his finger. "Do you see those two men
+sitting in the corner? If you see four men there, you would be
+drunk."</p>
+<p>The boy looked long and earnestly. "Yes, Father,
+but&mdash;but&mdash;there is only one man in that
+corner."&mdash;<i>W. Karl Hilbrich</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>William R. Hearst, who never touches liquor, had several men in
+important positions on his newspapers who were not strangers to
+intoxicants. Mr. Hearst has a habit of appearing at his office at
+unexpected times and summoning his chiefs of departments for
+instructions. One afternoon he sent for Mr. Blank.</p>
+<p>"He hasn't come down yet, sir," reported the office boy.</p>
+<p>"Please tell Mr. Dash I want to see him."</p>
+<p>"He hasn't come down yet either."</p>
+<p>"Well, find Mr. Star or Mr. Sun or Mr. Moon&mdash;anybody; I
+want to see one of them at once."</p>
+<p>"Ain't none of 'em here yet, sir. You see there was a
+celebration last night and&mdash;"</p>
+<p>Mr. Hearst sank back in his chair and remarked in his quiet
+way:</p>
+<p>"For a man who don't drink I think I suffer more from the
+effects of it than anybody in the world."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What is a drunken man like, Fool?"</p>
+<p>"Like a drowned man, a fool and a madman: one draught above heat
+makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns
+him."&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+<a name="H224" id="H224"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>DYSPEPSIA</h3>
+<p>"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from
+dyspepsia."</p>
+<p>"And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You
+look healthy enough."</p>
+<p>"Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has."</p>
+<a name="H225" id="H225"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ECHOES</h3>
+<p>An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of
+one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the
+visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the
+echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud
+Scotsman, turning to the Yankee exclaimed:</p>
+<p>"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your
+country."</p>
+<p>"Oh, I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better
+that. Why in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean
+out of my window and call out, 'Time to get up: wake up!' and eight
+hours afterward the echo comes back and wakes me."</p>
+<a name="H226" id="H226"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ECONOMY</h3>
+<p>An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down
+some other person's expenses.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Economy is going without something you do want in case you
+should, some day, want something which you probably won't
+want.&mdash;<i>Anthony Hope</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out
+of it.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Ther's lots o' difference between thrift an' tryin' t' revive a
+last year's straw hat.&mdash;<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Economy is a great revenue.&mdash;<i>Cicero</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Domestic finance; Saving; Thrift.</p>
+<a name="H227" id="H227"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EDITORS</h3>
+<p>Recipe for an editor:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Take a personal hatred of authors,</p>
+<p class="i4">Mix this with a fiendish delight</p>
+<p class="i2">In refusing all efforts of genius</p>
+<p class="i4">And maiming all poets on sight.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The city editor of a great New York daily was known in the
+newspaper world as a martinet and severe disciplinarian. Some of
+his caustic and biting criticisms are classics. Once, however, the
+tables were turned upon him in a way that left him speechless for
+days.</p>
+<p>A reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor
+did not approve of. The morning of publication this reporter
+drifted into the office and encountered his chief, who was in a
+white heat of anger. Carefully suppressing the explosion, however,
+the boss started in with ominous and icy words:</p>
+<p>"Mr. Blank, I am not going to criticize you for what you have
+written. On the other hand, I am profoundly sorry for you. I have
+watched your work recently, and it is my opinion, reached after
+calm and dispassionate observation, that you are mentally
+unbalanced. You are insane. Your mind is a wreck. Your friends
+should take you in hand. The very kindest suggestion I can make is
+that you visit an alienist and place yourself under treatment. So
+far you have shown no sign of violence, but what the future holds
+for you no one can tell. I say this in all kindness and frankness.
+You are discharged."</p>
+<p>The reporter walked out of the office and wandered up to
+Bellevue Hospital. He visited the insane pavilion, and told the
+resident surgeon that there was a suspicion that he was not all
+right mentally and asked to be examined. The doctor put him through
+the regular routine and then said,</p>
+<p>"Right as a top."</p>
+<p>"Sure?" asked the reporter. "Will you give me a certificate to
+that effect?" The doctor said he would and did. Clutching the
+certificate tightly in his hand the reporter entered the office an
+hour later, walked up to the city editor, handed it to him
+silently, and then blurted out,</p>
+<p>"Now you go get one."</p>
+<a name="H228" id="H228"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EDUCATION</h3>
+<p>Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the
+plains from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly
+after that he "struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with
+having more wealth than any one else in Colorado. A man of great
+shrewdness and ability, he was exceedingly sensitive over his
+inability to read or write. One day an old-timer met him with:</p>
+<p>"How are you getting along, Pat?"</p>
+<p>"Go 'way from me now," said Pat genially, "me head's bustin' wid
+business. It takes two lid-pincils a day to do me wurruk."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer
+finally found its way to a distant mountain village where it was
+evidently welcomed with interest. The firm received a carefully
+written, if somewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern
+"cracker" asking further particulars about one of the listed
+articles.</p>
+<p>To this, in the usual course of business, was sent a
+type-written answer. Almost by return mail came a reply:</p>
+<p>"You fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart, and you
+need not print your letters to me. I can read writing."</p>
+<a name="H229" id="H229"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EFFICIENCY</h3>
+<p>An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army
+maneuvers. He was especially impressed with the German motor
+ambulances. As the tourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under
+a tree, the axle of one of the motor ambulances broke. Instantly
+the man leaped out, ran into the village, returned in a jiffy with
+a new axle, fixed it in place with wonderful skill, and
+teuffed-teuffed off again almost as good as new.</p>
+<p>"There's efficiency for you," said the American admirably.
+"There's German efficiency for you. No matter what breaks, there's
+always a stock at hand from which to supply the needed part."</p>
+<p>And praising the remarkable instance of German efficiency he had
+just witnessed, the tourist returned to the village and ordered up
+his car. But he couldn't use it. The axle was missing.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A curious little man sat next an elderly, prosperous looking man
+in a smoking car.</p>
+<p>"How many people work in your office?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"Oh," responded the elderly man, getting up and throwing away
+his cigar, "I should say, at a rough guess, about two-thirds of
+them."</p>
+<a name="H230" id="H230"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EGOTISM</h3>
+<p>In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below
+the dignity of a man of ten years.</p>
+<p>"Why," said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing
+in the wars, and do you think you are better than George
+Washington?"</p>
+<p>"I don't know," replied the boy seriously. "Only time can tell
+that."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>John D. Rockefeller tells this story on himself:</p>
+<p>"Golfing one bright winter day I had for caddie a boy who didn't
+know me.</p>
+<p>"An unfortunate stroke landed me in clump of high grass.</p>
+<p>"'My, my,' I said, 'what am I to do now?'</p>
+<p>"'See that there tree?' said the boy, pointing to a tall tree a
+mile away. 'Well, drive straight for that.'</p>
+<p>"I lofted vigorously, and, fortunately, my ball soared up into
+the air; it landed, and it rolled right on to the putting
+green.</p>
+<p>"'How's that, my boy?' I cried.</p>
+<p>"The caddie stared at me with envious eyes.</p>
+<p>"'Gee, boss,' he said, 'if I had your strength and you had my
+brains what a pair we'd make!'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The late Marshall Field had a very small office-boy who came to
+the great merchant one day with a request for an increase in
+wages.</p>
+<p>"Huh!" said Mr. Field, looking at him as if through a
+magnifying-glass. "Want a raise, do you? How much are you
+getting?"</p>
+<p>"Three dollars a week," chirped the little chap.</p>
+<p>"Three dollars a week!" exclaimed his employer. "Why, when I was
+your age I only got two dollars."</p>
+<p>"Oh, well, that's different," piped the youngster. "I guess you
+weren't worth any more."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the man who is wisest and best,</p>
+<p class="i2">Here's to the man who with judgment is blest.</p>
+<p class="i2">Here's to the man who's as smart as can be&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I mean the man who agrees with me.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H231" id="H231"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ELECTIONS</h3>
+<p>In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and
+Germans. In a recent election a local option question was up.</p>
+<p>After the election some Germans were counting the votes. One
+German was calling off and another taking down the option votes.
+The first German, running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Vet,
+vet, vet, vet,..." Suddenly he stopped. "<i>Mein Gott</i>!" he
+cried: "<i>Dry</i>!"</p>
+<p>Then he went on&mdash;"Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."</p>
+<p>Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "<i>Himmel</i>!"
+he said. "Der son of a gun repeated!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>WILLIS&mdash;"What's the election today for? Anybody happen to
+know?"</p>
+<p>GILLIS&mdash;"It is to determine whether we shall have a
+convention to nominate delegates who will be voted on as to whether
+they will attend a caucus which will decide whether we shall have a
+primary to determine whether the people want to vote on this same
+question again next year."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One year, when the youngsters of a certain Illinois village met
+for the purpose of electing a captain of their baseball team for
+the coming season, it appeared that there were an excessive number
+of candidates for the post, with more than the usual wrangling.</p>
+<p>Youngster after youngster presented his qualifications for the
+post; and the matter was still undecided when the son of the owner
+of the ball-field stood up. He was a small, snub-nosed lad, with a
+plentiful supply of freckles, but he glanced about him with a
+dignified air of controlling the situation.</p>
+<p>"I'm going to be captain this year," he announced convincingly,
+"or else Father's old bull is going to be turned into the
+field."</p>
+<p>He was elected unanimously.&mdash;<i>Fenimore Martin</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I consider biennial elections as a security that the sober
+second thought of the people shall be law.&mdash;<i>Fisher
+Ames</i>.</p>
+<a name="H232" id="H232"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ELECTRICITY</h3>
+<p>In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the
+difference between lightning and electricity?"</p>
+<p>And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for
+lightning."</p>
+<a name="H233" id="H233"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS</h3>
+<p>A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's
+cottage at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there
+being a scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the young
+gentleman took Willie on his lap.</p>
+<p>Then, during a pause in the conversation, little Willie looked
+up at the young gentleman and piped:</p>
+<p>"Am I as heavy as sister Mabel?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The late Charles Coghlan was a man of great wit and resource.
+When he was living in London, his wife started for an out-of-town
+visit. For some reason she found it necessary to return home, and
+on her way thither she saw her husband step out of a cab and hand a
+lady from it. Mrs. Coghlan confronted the pair. The actor was equal
+to the situation.</p>
+<p>"My dear," he said to his wife, "allow me to present Miss Blank.
+Mrs. Coghlan, Miss Blank."</p>
+<p>The two bowed coldly while Coghlan quickly added:</p>
+<p>"I know you ladies have ever so many things you want to say to
+each other, so I will ask to be excused."</p>
+<p>He lifted his hat, stepped into the cab, and was whirled
+away.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The evening callers were chatting gaily with the Kinterbys when
+a patter of little feet was heard from the head of the stairs. Mrs.
+Kinterby raised her hand, warning the others to silence.</p>
+<p>"Hush!" she said, softly. "The children are going to deliver
+their 'good-night' message. It always gives me a feeling of
+reverence to hear them&mdash;they are so much nearer the Creator
+than we are, and they speak the love that is in their little hearts
+never so fully as when the dark has come. Listen!"</p>
+<p>There was a moment of tense silence. Then&mdash;"Mama," came the
+message in a shrill whisper, "Willy found a bedbug!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I was in an awkward predicament yesterday morning," said a
+husband to another.</p>
+<p>"How was that?"</p>
+<p>"Why, I came home late, and my wife heard me and said, 'John,
+what time is it?' and I said, 'Only twelve, my dear,' and just then
+that cuckoo clock of ours sang out three times."</p>
+<p>"What did you do?"</p>
+<p>"Why, I just had to stand there and cuckoo nine times more."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Your husband will be all right now," said an English doctor to
+a woman whose husband was dangerously ill.</p>
+<p>"What do you mean?" demanded the wife. "You told me 'e couldn't
+live a fortnight."</p>
+<p>"Well, I'm going to cure him, after all," said the doctor.
+"Surely you are glad?"</p>
+<p>The woman wrinkled her brows.</p>
+<p>"Puts me in a bit of an 'ole," she said. "I've bin an' sold all
+'is clothes to pay for 'is funeral."</p>
+<a name="H234" id="H234"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES</h3>
+<p>"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11
+a month right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it."</p>
+<p>"Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his
+help that way can hang on to his business."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>EARNEST YOUNG MAN&mdash;"Have you any advice to a struggling
+young employee?"</p>
+<p>FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN&mdash;"Yes. Don't work."</p>
+<p>EARNEST YOUNG MAN&mdash;"Don't work?"</p>
+<p>FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN&mdash;"No. Become an employer."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>General Benjamin F. Butler built a house in Washington on the
+same plans as his home in Lowell, Mass., and his studies were
+furnished in exactly the same way. He and his secretary, M. W.
+Clancy, afterward City Clerk of Washington for many years, were
+constantly traveling between the two places.</p>
+<p>One day a senator called upon General Butler in Lowell and the
+next day in Washington to find him and his secretary engaged upon
+the same work that had occupied them in Massachusetts.</p>
+<p>"Heavens, Clancy, don't you ever stop?"</p>
+<p>"No," interposed General Butler,</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"'Satan finds some michief still</p>
+<p class="i2">For idle hands to do.'"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Clancy arose and bowed, saying:</p>
+<p>"General, I never was sure until now what my employer was. I had
+heard the rumor, but I always discredited it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>W.J. ("Fingy") Conners, the New York politician, who is not
+precisely a Chesterfield, secured his first great freight-handling
+contract when he was a roustabout on the Buffalo docks. When the
+job was about to begin he called a thousand burly "dock-wallopers"
+to order, as narrated by one of his business friends:</p>
+<p>"Now," roared Conners, "yez are to worruk for me, and I want
+ivery man here to understand what's what. I kin lick anny man in
+the gang."</p>
+<p>Nine hundred and ninety-nine swallowed the insult, but one huge,
+double-fisted warrior moved uneasily and stepping from the line he
+said "You can't lick me, Jim Conners."</p>
+<p>"I can't, can't I?" bellowed "Fingy."</p>
+<p>"No, you can't" was the determined response.</p>
+<p>"Oh, well, thin, go to the office and git your money," said
+"Fingy." "I'll have no man in me gang that I can't lick."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Outside his own cleverness there is nothing that so delights Mr.
+Wiggins as a game of baseball, and when he gets a chance to exploit
+the two, both at the same time, he may be said to be the happiest
+man in the world. Hence it was that the other day, when little red
+headed Willie Mulligan, his office boy, came sniffing into his
+presence to ask for the afternoon off that he might attend his
+grandfather's funeral, Wiggins deemed it a masterly stroke to
+answer:</p>
+<p>"Why, certainly, Willie. What's more, my boy, if you'll wait for
+me I'll go with you."</p>
+<p>"All right, sir," sniffed Willie as he returned to his desk and
+waited patiently.</p>
+<p>And, lo and behold, poor little Willie had told the truth, and
+when he and Wiggins started out together the latter not only lost
+one of the best games of the season, but had to attend the
+obsequies of an old lady in whom he had no interest whatever as
+well.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>CHIEF CLERK (to office boy)&mdash;"Why on earth don't you laugh
+when the boss tells a joke?"</p>
+<p>OFFICE BOY&mdash;"I don't have to; I quit on
+Saturday."&mdash;<i>Satire</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>James J. Hill, the Railway King, told the following amusing
+incident that happened on one of his roads:</p>
+<p>"One of our division superintendents had received numerous
+complaints that freight trains were in the habit of stopping on a
+grade crossing in a certain small town, thereby blocking travel for
+long periods. He issued orders, but still the complaints came in.
+Finally he decided to investigate personally.</p>
+<p>"A short man in size and very excitable, he went down to the
+crossing, and, sure enough, there stood, in defiance of his orders,
+a long freight train, anchored squarely across it. A brakeman who
+didn't know him by sight sat complacently on the top of the
+car.</p>
+<p>"'Move that train on!' sputtered the little 'super.' 'Get it off
+the crossing so people can pass. Move on, I say!'</p>
+<p>"The brakeman surveyed the tempestuous little man from head to
+foot. 'You go to the deuce, you little shrimp,' he replied. 'You're
+small enough to crawl under.'"</p>
+<a name="H235" id="H235"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ENEMIES</h3>
+<p>An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife
+sent for a near-by preacher to pray with him.</p>
+<p>The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally
+the old man said: "What do you want me to do, Parson?"</p>
+<p>"Renounce the Devil, renounce the Devil," replied the
+preacher.</p>
+<p>"Well, but, Parson," protested the dying man, "I ain't in
+position to make any enemies."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is better to decide a difference between enemies than
+friends, for one of our friends will certainly become an enemy and
+one of our enemies a friend.&mdash;<i>Bias</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The world is large when its weary leagues</p>
+<p class="i4">two loving hearts divide;</p>
+<p class="i2">But the world is small when your enemy is</p>
+<p class="i4">loose on the other side.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>John Boyle O'Reilly</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H236" id="H236"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ENGLAND</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Great Britain.</p>
+<a name="H237" id="H237"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ENGLISH LANGUAGE</h3>
+<p>A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading:
+"Please do not touch the Lift at your own risk."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and
+each verb considered was used in a model sentence, so that the
+students would gain the benefit of pronouncing the connected series
+of words, as well as learning the varying forms of the verb. This
+morning it was the verb "to have" in the sentence, "I have a gold
+mine."</p>
+<p>Herr Schmitz was called to his feet by Professor Wulff.</p>
+<p>"Conjugate 'do haff' in der sentence, 'I haff a golt mine," the
+professor ordered.</p>
+<p>"I haff a golt mine, du hast a golt dein, he hass a golt hiss.
+Ve, you or dey haff a golt ours, yours or deirs, as de case may
+be."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Language is the expression of ideas, and if the people of one
+country cannot preserve an identity of ideas, they cannot retain an
+identity of language.&mdash;<i>Noah Webster</i>.</p>
+<a name="H238" id="H238"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ENGLISHMEN</h3>
+<p>He who laughs last is an Englishman.&mdash;<i>Princeton
+Tiger</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became
+the center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the
+comedian a cigar, saying that it was a new production.</p>
+<p>"With each cigar, you understand," the promoter said, "I will
+give a coupon, and when you have smoked three thousand of them you
+may bring the coupons to me and exchange them for a grand
+piano."</p>
+<p>Nat sniffed the cigar, pinched it gently, and then replied: "If
+I smoked three thousand of these cigars I think I would need a harp
+instead of a grand piano."</p>
+<p>There was a burst of laughter in which the Englishman did not
+join, but presently he exploded with merriment. "I see the point"
+he exclaimed. "Being an actor, you have to travel around the
+country a great deal and a harp would be so much more convenient to
+carry."</p>
+<a name="H239" id="H239"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ENTHUSIASM</h3>
+<p>Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of
+Work Without Wages," tells a good story against himself. A nature
+enthusiast, he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy
+woman. He began to dilate upon the sublimity of the scenery, in
+somewhat gushing phrases. The woman paid no attention to him.
+Provoked by her irresponsiveness, he said, "You don't seem to care
+for this magnificent scenery?" She took the pipe from her mouth and
+delivered this settler: "I enjies it; I don't jabber."</p>
+<a name="H240" id="H240"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EPITAPHS</h3>
+<p>LITTLE CLARENCE&mdash;"Pa!"</p>
+<p>HIS FATHER&mdash;"Well, my son?"</p>
+<p>LITTLE CLARENCE&mdash;"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day
+and read the inscriptions on the tombstones."</p>
+<p>HIS FATHER&mdash;"And what were your thoughts after you had done
+so?"</p>
+<p>LITTLE CLARENCE&mdash;"Why, pa, I wondered where all the wicked
+people were buried."&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The widower had just taken his fourth wife and was showing her
+around the village. Among the places visited was the churchyard,
+and the bride paused before a very elaborate tombstone that had
+been erected by the bridegroom. Being a little nearsighted she
+asked him to read the inscription, and in reverent tones he
+read:</p>
+<p>"Here lies Susan, beloved wife of John Smith; also Jane, beloved
+wife of John Smith; also Mary, beloved wife of John
+Smith&mdash;"</p>
+<p>He paused abruptly, and the bride, leaning forward to see the
+bottom line, read, to her horror:</p>
+<p>"Be Ye Also Ready."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man wished to have something original on his wife's headstone
+and hit upon, "Lord, she was Thine." He had his own ideas of the
+size of the letters and the space between words, and gave
+instructions to the stonemason. The latter carried them out all
+right, except that he could not get in the "E" in Thine.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt., is a stone, erected by a widow
+to her loving husband, bearing this inscription: "Rest in
+peace&mdash;until we meet again."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An epitaph in an old Moravian cemetery reads thus:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Remember, friend, as you pass by,</p>
+<p class="i2">As you are now, so once was I;</p>
+<p class="i2">As I am now thus you must be,</p>
+<p class="i2">So be prepared to follow me.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>There had been written underneath in pencil, presumably by some
+wag:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">To follow you I'm not content</p>
+<p class="i2">Till I find out which way you went.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I expected it, but I didn't expect it quite so
+soon.&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">After Life's scarlet fever</p>
+<p class="i2">I sleep well.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here lies the body of Sarah Sexton,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who never did aught to vex one.</p>
+<p class="i2">(Not like the woman under the next stone.)</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>As a general thing, the writer of epitaphs is a monumental
+liar.&mdash;<i>John E. Rosser</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p class="center">Maria Brown,<br />
+Wife of Timothy Brown,<br />
+aged 80 years.<br />
+She lived with her husband fifty years, and died<br />
+in the confident hope of a better life.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Here lies the body of Enoch Holden, who died suddenly and
+unexpectedly by being kicked to death by a cow. Well done, good and
+faithful servant!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A bereaved husband feeling his loss very keenly found it
+desirable to divert his mind by traveling abroad. Before his
+departure, however, he left orders for a tombstone with the
+inscription:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"The light of my life has gone out."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Travel brought unexpected and speedy relief, and before the time
+for his return he had taken another wife. It was then that he
+remembered the inscription, and thinking it would not be pleasing
+to his new wife, he wrote to the stone-cutter, asking that he
+exercise his ingenuity in adapting it to the new conditions. After
+his return he took his new wife to see the tombstone and found that
+the inscription had been made to read:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"The light of my life has gone out,</p>
+<p class="i2">But I have struck another match."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="center">Here lies Bernard Lightfoot,<br />
+Who was accidentally killed in the forty-fifth year<br />
+of his age.<br />
+This monument was erected by his grateful family.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I thought it mushroom when I found</p>
+<p class="i4">It in the woods, forsaken;</p>
+<p class="i2">But since I sleep beneath this mound,</p>
+<p class="i4">I must have been mistaken.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On the tombstone of a Mr. Box appears this inscription:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Here lies one Box within another.</p>
+<p class="i2">The one of wood was very good,</p>
+<p class="i4">We cannot say so much for t'other.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Nobles and heralds by your leave,</p>
+<p class="i4">Here lies what once was Matthew Prior;</p>
+<p class="i2">The son of Adam and of Eve;</p>
+<p class="i4">Can Bourbon or Nassau claim higher?</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Prior</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Kind reader! take your choice to cry or laugh;</p>
+<p class="i2">Here Harold lies-but where's his Epitaph?</p>
+<p class="i2">If such you seek, try Westminster, and view</p>
+<p class="i2">Ten thousand, just as fit for him as you.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Byron</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I conceive disgust at these impertinent and misbecoming
+familiarities inscribed upon your ordinary
+tombstone.&mdash;<i>Charles Lamb</i>.</p>
+<a name="H241" id="H241"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EPITHETS</h3>
+<p>John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, who
+complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some
+neighbors. Mr. Fiske called the youngster into his study.</p>
+<p>"My boy, is it true that you called Mrs. Jones a fool?"</p>
+<p>The boy hung his head. "Yes, father." "And did you call Mr.
+Jones a worse fool?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, father."</p>
+<p>Mr. Fiske frowned and pondered for a minute. Then he said:</p>
+<p>"Well, my son, that is just about the distinction I should
+make."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"See that man over there. He is a bombastic mutt, a windjammer
+nonentity, a false alarm, and an encumberer of the earth!"</p>
+<p>"Would you mind writing all that down for me?"</p>
+<p>"Why in the world&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him some
+time."</p>
+<a name="H242" id="H242"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EQUALITY</h3>
+<p>As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the
+other day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her.
+"Clear out of the way with that old mud scow!" shouted an officer
+on the bridge.</p>
+<p>A round, sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway. "Are
+ye the captain of that vessel?"</p>
+<p>"No," answered the officer.</p>
+<p>"Then spake to yer equals. I'm the captain o' this!" came from
+the barge.</p>
+<a name="H243" id="H243"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ERMINE</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Said an envious, erudite ermine:</p>
+<p class="i2">"There's one thing I cannot determine:</p>
+<p class="i4">When a man wears my coat,</p>
+<p class="i4">He's a person of note,</p>
+<p class="i2">While I'm but a species of vermin!"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H244" id="H244"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ESCAPES</h3>
+<p>There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a
+sudden that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the
+bleak hills that surrounded the skating pond.</p>
+<p>A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the
+shouts and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a
+large black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with
+chattering teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water.</p>
+<p>The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to
+the edge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said:</p>
+<p>"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out."</p>
+<p>"No, I can't swim," was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to
+me. Hurry up. It's cold in here."</p>
+<p>"I ain't got no rope," said the farmer; and he added angrily.
+"What if you can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up
+to your shoulders."</p>
+<p>"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet
+deep if it's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke
+the ice!"</p>
+<a name="H245" id="H245"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ETHICS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i6">My ethical state,</p>
+<p class="i6">Were I wealthy and great,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is a subject you wish I'd reply on.</p>
+<p class="i6">Now who can foresee</p>
+<p class="i6">What his morals <i>might</i> be?</p>
+<p class="i2">What would yours be if you were a lion?</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Martial; tr. by Paul Nixon</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H246" id="H246"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ETIQUET</h3>
+<p>A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was
+visiting her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I
+wish they would not do it."</p>
+<p>"Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend,
+settling herself comfortably.</p>
+<p>"Yes, but one can't thank them, you know, and it is so
+awkward."</p>
+<p>"Can't thank them! Why not?"</p>
+<p>"Why, you would not speak to a strange man, would you?" said the
+Boston maiden, to the astonishment of her southern friend.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A little girl on the train to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not
+only that, but she insisted on pulling it out in long strings and
+letting it fall back into her mouth again.</p>
+<p>"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't
+do that. Chew your gum like a little lady."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>LITTLE BROTHER&mdash;"What's etiquet?"</p>
+<p>LITTLE BIGGER BROTHER&mdash;"It's saying 'No, thank you,' when
+you want to holler 'Gimme!'"&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A Lady there was of Antigua,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you are!"</p>
+<p class="i4">He answered, "My queen,</p>
+<p class="i4">Is it manners you mean,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or do you refer to my figure?"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>They were at dinner and the dainties were on the table.</p>
+<p>"Will you take tart or pudding?" asked Papa of Tommy.</p>
+<p>"Tart," said Tommy promptly.</p>
+<p>His father sighed as he recalled the many lessons on manners he
+had given the boy.</p>
+<p>"Tart, what?" he queried kindly.</p>
+<p>But Tommy's eyes were glued on the pastry.</p>
+<p>"Tart, what?" asked the father again, sharply this time.</p>
+<p>"Tart, first," answered Tommy triumphantly.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TOMMY'S AUNT&mdash;"Won't you have another piece of cake,
+Tommy?"</p>
+<p>TOMMY (on a visit)&mdash;"No, I thank you."</p>
+<p>TOMMY'S AUNT&mdash;"You seem to be suffering from loss of
+appetite."</p>
+<p>TOMMY&mdash;"That ain't loss of appetite. What I'm sufferin'
+from is politeness."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young man so benighted,</p>
+<p class="i2">He never knew when he was slighted;</p>
+<p class="i4">He would go to a party,</p>
+<p class="i4">And eat just as hearty,</p>
+<p class="i2">As if he'd been really invited.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H247" id="H247"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EUROPEAN WAR</h3>
+<p>OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the
+enemy)&mdash;"You fool! Come back at once!"</p>
+<p>TOMMY&mdash;"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the
+trench."&mdash;<i>Punch</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his
+head up."</p>
+<p>"Pride, eh?"</p>
+<p>"No, Zeppelin neck."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>LITTLE GIRL (who has been sitting very still with a seraphic
+expression)&mdash;"I wish I was an angel, mother!"</p>
+<p>MOTHER&mdash;"What makes you say that, darling?"</p>
+<p>LITTLE GIRL&mdash;"Because then I could drop bombs on the
+Germans!"&mdash;<i>Punch</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>From a sailor's letter to his wife:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Dear Jane,&mdash;I am sending you a postal order for 10s.,
+which I hope you may get&mdash;but you may not&mdash;as this letter
+has to pass the Censor."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>&mdash;<i>Punch</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two country darkies listened, awe-struck, while some planters
+discussed the tremendous range of the new German guns.</p>
+<p>"Dar now," exclaimed one negro, when his master had finished
+expatiating on the hideous havoc wrought by a forty-two-centimeter
+shell, "jes' lak I bin tellin' yo' niggehs all de time! Don' le's
+have no guns lak dem roun' heah! Why, us niggehs could start
+runnin' erway, run all day, git almos' home free, an' den git kilt
+jus' befo' suppeh!"</p>
+<p>"Dat's de trufe," assented his companion, "an' lemme tell yo'
+sumpin' else, Bo. All dem guns needs is jus' yo' <i>ad</i>-dress,
+dat's all; jes' giv' em de <i>ad</i>-dress an' they'll git
+yo'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> War.</p>
+<a name="H248" id="H248"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EVIDENCE</h3>
+<p>From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory,
+a policeman had managed to extract two prisoners.</p>
+<p>"What is the charge against these young men?" asked the
+magistrate before whom they were arraigned.</p>
+<p>"Disturbin' the peace, yer honor," said the policeman. "They
+were givin' their college yells in the street an' makin' trouble
+generally."</p>
+<p>"What is your name?" the judge asked one of the prisoners.</p>
+<p>"Ro-ro-robert Ro-ro-rollins," stuttered the youth.</p>
+<p>"I asked for your name, sir, not the evidence."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Maud Muller, on a summer night,</p>
+<p class="i2">Turned down the only parlor light.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The judge, beside her, whispered things</p>
+<p class="i2">Of wedding bells and diamond rings.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">He spoke his love in burning phrase,</p>
+<p class="i2">And acted foolish forty ways.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">When he had gone Maud gave a laugh</p>
+<p class="i2">And then turned off the dictagraph.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>&mdash;<i>Milwaukee Sentinel</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One day a hostess asked a well known Parisian judge: "Your
+Honor, which do you prefer, Burgundy or Bordeaux?"</p>
+<p>"Madame, that is a case in which I have so much pleasure in
+taking the evidence that I always postpone judgment," was the wily
+jurist's reply.</p>
+<p><i>See also</i> Courts; Witnesses.</p>
+<a name="H249" id="H249"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EXAMINATIONS</h3>
+<p>An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid
+to sacred history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was
+not, for God took him." So many times was this repeated in
+connection with the death of Enoch that he thought even the dullest
+pupil would answer correctly when asked in examination: State in
+the exact language of the Bible what is said of Enoch's death.</p>
+<p>But this was the answer he got:</p>
+<p>"Enoch was not what God took him for."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of
+some amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in
+English. The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of
+the indicative, the subjunctive, the potential and the exclamatory
+moods. His efforts resulted as follows:</p>
+<p>"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer
+twenty questions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may
+pass. God help me!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The following selection of mistakes in examinations may convince
+almost any one that there are some peaks of ignorance which he has
+yet to climb:</p>
+<p>Magna Charta said that the King had no right to bring soldiers
+into a lady's house and tell her to mind them.</p>
+<p>Panama is a town of Colombo, where they are trying to make an
+isthmus.</p>
+<p>The three highest mountains in Scotland are Ben Nevis, Ben
+Lomond and Ben Jonson.</p>
+<p>Wolsey saved his life by dying on the way from York to
+London.</p>
+<p>Bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters.</p>
+<p>"Those melodious bursts that fill the spacious days of great
+Elizabeth" refers to the songs that Queen Elizabeth used to write
+in her spare time.</p>
+<p>Tennyson wrote a poem called Grave's Energy.</p>
+<p>The Rump Parliament consisted entirely of Cromwell's
+stalactites.</p>
+<p>The plural of spouse is spice.</p>
+<p>Queen Elizabeth rode a white horse from Kenilworth through
+Coventry with nothing on, and Raleigh offered her his cloak.</p>
+<p>The law allowing only one wife is called monotony.</p>
+<p>When England was placed under an Interdict the Pope stopped all
+births, marriages and deaths for a year.</p>
+<p>The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and
+Spain.</p>
+<p>The gods of the Indians are chiefly Mahommed and Buddha, and in
+their spare time they do lots of carving.</p>
+<p>Every one needs a holiday from one year's end to another.</p>
+<p>The Seven Great Powers of Europe are gravity, electricity,
+steam, gas, fly-wheels, and motors, and Mr. Lloyd George.</p>
+<p>The hydra was married to Henry VIII. When he cut off her head
+another sprung up.</p>
+<p>Liberty of conscience means doing wrong and not worrying about
+it afterward.</p>
+<p>The Habeas Corpus act was that no one need stay in prison longer
+than he liked.</p>
+<p>Becket put on a camel-air shirt and his life at once became
+dangerous.</p>
+<p>The two races living in the north of Europe are Esquimaux and
+Archangels.</p>
+<p>Skeleton is what you have left when you take a man's insides out
+and his outsides off.</p>
+<p>Ellipsis is when you forget to kiss.</p>
+<p>A bishop without a diocese is called a suffragette.</p>
+<p>Artificial perspiration is the way to make a person alive when
+they are only just dead.</p>
+<p>A night watchman is a man employed to sleep in the open air.</p>
+<p>The tides are caused by the sun drawing the water out and the
+moon drawing it in again.</p>
+<p>The liver is an infernal organ of the body.</p>
+<p>A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.</p>
+<p>Triangles are of three kinds, the equilateral or three-sided,
+the quadrilateral or four-sided, and the multilateral or
+polyglot.</p>
+<p>General Braddock was killed in the Revolutionary War. He had
+three horses shot under him and a fourth went through his
+clothes.</p>
+<p>A buttress is the wife of a butler.</p>
+<p>The young Pretender was so called because it was pretended that
+he was born in a frying-pan.</p>
+<p>A verb is a word which is used in order to make an exertion.</p>
+<p>A Passive Verb is when the subject is the sufferer, e.g., I am
+loved.</p>
+<p>Lord Raleigh was the first man to see the invisible Armada.</p>
+<p>A schoolmaster is called a pedigree.</p>
+<p>The South of the U. S. A. grows oranges, figs, melons and a
+great quantity of preserved fruits, especially tinned meats.</p>
+<p>The wife of a Prime Minister is called a Primate.</p>
+<p>The Greeks were too thickly populated to be comfortable.</p>
+<p>The American war was started because the people would persist in
+sending their parcels thru the post without stamps.</p>
+<p>Prince William was drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine; he never
+laughed again.</p>
+<p>The heart is located on the west side of the body.</p>
+<p>Richard II is said to have been murdered by some historians; his
+real fate is uncertain.</p>
+<p>Subjects have a right to partition the king.</p>
+<p>A kaiser is a stream of hot water springin' up an' distubin' the
+earth.</p>
+<p>He had nothing left to live for but to die.</p>
+<p>Franklin's education was got by himself. He worked himself up to
+be a great literal man. He was also able to invent electricity.
+Franklin's father was a tallow chandelier.</p>
+<p>Monastery is the place for monsters.</p>
+<p>Sir Walter Raleigh was put out once when his servant found him
+with fire in his head. And one day after there had been a lot of
+rain, he threw his cloak in a puddle and the queen stepped dryly
+over.</p>
+<p>The Greeks planted colonists for their food supplies.</p>
+<p>Nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog's
+tail will kill a man.</p>
+<p>A mosquito is the child of black and white parents.</p>
+<p>An author is a queer animal because his tales (tails) come from
+his head.</p>
+<p>Wind is air in a hurry.</p>
+<p>The people that come to America found Indians, but no
+people.</p>
+<p>Shadows are rays of darkness.</p>
+<p>Lincoln wrote the address while riding from Washington to
+Gettysburg on an envelope.</p>
+<p>Queen Elizabeth was tall and thin, but she was a stout
+protestant.</p>
+<p>An equinox is a man who lives near the north pole.</p>
+<p>An abstract noun is something we can think of but cannot
+feel&mdash;as a red hot poker.</p>
+<p>The population of New England is too dry for farming.</p>
+<p>Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the
+head, the chist, and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and
+brains, if any. The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the
+liver. The stummick is devoted to the bowels, of which there are
+five, a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.</p>
+<p>Filigree means a list of your descendants.</p>
+<p>"The Complete Angler" was written by Euclid because he knew all
+about angles.</p>
+<p>The imperfect tense in French is used to express a future action
+in past time which does not take place at all.</p>
+<p>Arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones; It gets into your
+hair even with your mouth shut.</p>
+<p>The modern name for Gaul is vinegar.</p>
+<p>Some of the West India Islands are subject to torpedoes.</p>
+<p>The Crusaders were a wild and savage people until Peter the
+Hermit preached to them.</p>
+<p>On the low coast plains of Mexico yellow fever is very
+popular.</p>
+<p>Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution.</p>
+<p>Gender shows whether a man is masculine, feminine, or
+neuter.</p>
+<p>An angle is a triangle with only two sides.</p>
+<p>Geometry teaches us how to bisex angels.</p>
+<p>Gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly
+away.</p>
+<p>A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope lives.</p>
+<p>A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian.</p>
+<p>Vapor is dried water.</p>
+<p>The Salic law is that you must take everything with a grain of
+salt.</p>
+<p>The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky, where lions, goats and other
+animals go after they are dead.</p>
+<p>The Pharisees were people who like to show off their goodness by
+praying in synonyms.</p>
+<p>An abstract noun is something you can't see when you are looking
+at it.</p>
+<a name="H250" id="H250"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EXCUSES</h3>
+<p>The children had been reminded that they must not appear at
+school the following week without their application blanks properly
+filled out as to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of
+birth. On Monday morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tears streaming
+down her cheeks. "What is the trouble?" Miss Green inquired,
+seeking to comfort her. "Oh," sobbed the little girl, "I forgot my
+excuse for being born."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>O. Henry always retained the whimsical sense of humor which made
+him quickly famous. Shortly before his death he called on the
+cashier of a New York publishing house, after vainly writing
+several times for a check which had been promised as an advance on
+his royalties.</p>
+<p>"I'm sorry," explained the cashier, "but Mr. Blank, who signs
+the checks, is laid up with a sprained ankle."</p>
+<p>"But, my dear sir," expostulated the author, "does he sign them
+with his feet?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Strolling along the boardwalk at Atlantic City, Mr. Mulligan,
+the wealthy retired contractor, dropped a quarter through a crack
+in the planking. A friend came along a minute later and found him
+squatted down, industriously poking a two dollar bill through the
+treacherous cranny with his forefinger.</p>
+<p>"Mulligan, what the divvil ar-re ye doin'?" inquired the
+friend.</p>
+<p>"Sh-h," said Mr. Mulligan, "I'm tryin' to make it wort' me while
+to tear up this board."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A captain, inspecting his company one morning, came to an
+Irishman who evidently had not shaved for several days.</p>
+<p>"Doyle," he asked, "how is it that you haven't shaved this
+morning?"</p>
+<p>"But Oi did, sor."</p>
+<p>"How dare you tell me that with the beard you have on your
+face?"</p>
+<p>"Well, ye see, sor," stammered Doyle, "there wus nine of us to
+one small bit uv a lookin'-glass, an' it must be thot in th'
+gineral confusion Oi shaved some other man's face."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Is that you, dear?" said a young husband over the telephone. "I
+just called up to say that I'm afraid I won't be able to get home
+to dinner to-night, as I am detained at the office."</p>
+<p>"You poor dear," answered the wife sympathetically. "I don't
+wonder. I don't see how you manage to get anything done at all with
+that orchestra playing in your office. Good-by."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What is the matter, dearest?" asked the mother of a small girl
+who had been discovered crying in the hall.</p>
+<p>"Somfing awful's happened, Mother."</p>
+<p>"Well, what is it, sweetheart?"</p>
+<p>"My d'doll-baby got away from me and broked a plate in the
+pantry."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A poor casual laborer, working on a scaffolding, fell five
+stories to the ground. As his horrified mates rushed down pell-mell
+to his aid, he picked himself up, uninjured, from a great, soft
+pile of sand.</p>
+<p>"Say, fellers," he murmured anxiously, "is the boss mad? Tell
+him I had to come down anyway for a ball of twine."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Cephas is a darky come up from Maryland to a border town in
+Pennsylvania, where he has established himself as a handy man to do
+odd jobs. He is a good worker, and sober, but there are certain
+proclivities of his which necessitate a pretty close watch on him.
+Not long ago he was caught with a chicken under his coat, and was
+haled to court to explain its presence there.</p>
+<p>"Now, Cephas," said the judge very kindly, "you have got into a
+new place, and you ought to have new habits. We have been good to
+you and helped you, and while we like you as a sober and
+industrious worker, this other business cannot be tolerated. Why
+did you take Mrs. Gilkie's chicken?"</p>
+<p>Cephas was stumped, and he stood before the majesty of the law,
+rubbing his head and looking ashamed of himself. Finally he
+answered:</p>
+<p>"Deed, I dunno, Jedge," he explained, "ceptin' 't is dat
+chickens is chickens and niggers is niggers."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>GRANDMA&mdash;"Johnny, I have discovered that you have taken
+more maple-sugar than I gave you."</p>
+<p>JOHNNY&mdash;"Yes, Grandma, I've been making believe there was
+another little boy spending the day with me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. X was a prominent member of the B.P.O.E. At the breakfast
+table the other morning he was relating to his wife an incident
+that occurred at the lodge the previous night. The president of the
+order offered a silk hat to the brother who could stand up and
+truthfully say that during his married life he had never kissed any
+woman but his own wife. "And, would you believe it, Mary?&mdash;not
+a one stood up." "George," his wife said, "why didn't you stand
+up?" "Well," he replied, "I was going to, but I know I look like
+hell in a silk hat."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">And oftentimes excusing of a fault</p>
+<p class="i2">Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse,</p>
+<p class="i2">As patches set upon a little breach,</p>
+<p class="i2">Discredit more in hiding of the fault</p>
+<p class="i2">Than did the fault before it was so patched.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H251" id="H251"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EXPOSURE</h3>
+<p>TRAMP&mdash;"Lady, I'm dying from exposure."</p>
+<p>WOMAN&mdash;"Are you a tramp, politician or
+financier?"&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<a name="H252" id="H252"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EXTORTION</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Dressmakers.</p>
+<a name="H253" id="H253"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>EXTRAVAGANCE</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young girl named O'Neill,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who went up in the great Ferris wheel;</p>
+<p class="i4">But when half way around</p>
+<p class="i4">She looked at the ground,</p>
+<p class="i2">And it cost her an eighty-cent meal.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in
+town, but nobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry Susan
+Rankin, seeing that he had known her for years. For awhile they got
+along fairly well but one day after five years of it John hung
+himself in the attic, where Susan used to dry the wash on rainy
+days, and a carpenter, who went up to the roof to do some repairs,
+found him there. He told Susan, and Susan hurried up to see about
+it, and, sure enough, the carpenter was right. She stood looking at
+her late husband for about a minute&mdash;kind of dazed, the
+carpenter thought&mdash;then she spoke.</p>
+<p>"Well, I declare!" she exclaimed. "If he hasn't used my new
+clothes-line, and the old would have done every bit as well! But,
+of course, that's just like John Polkinhorn."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"The editor of my paper," declared the newspaper business
+manager to a little coterie of friends, "is a peculiar genius. Why,
+would you believe it, when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out
+only one dollar for spending money and sends the rest to his wife
+in Indianapolis!"</p>
+<p>His listeners&mdash;with one exception, who sat silent and
+reflective&mdash;gave vent to loud murmurs of wonder and
+admiration.</p>
+<p>"Now, it may sound thin," added the speaker, "but it is true,
+nevertheless."</p>
+<p>"Oh, I don't doubt it at all!" quickly rejoined the quiet one;
+"I was only wondering what he does with the dollar!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning
+after pay day. When his leave expired he didn't appear. He was
+brought at last before the commandant for sentence, and the
+following dialogue is recorded:</p>
+<p>"Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe
+engagement."</p>
+<p>"Yes, sur."</p>
+<p>"Have you any money left?"</p>
+<p>"No, sur."</p>
+<p>"You had $35 when you left the fort, didn't you?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sur."</p>
+<p>"What did you do with it?"</p>
+<p>"Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went
+into a place and spint $8. Thin we came out and I met another
+friend and we spint $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another
+friend and we spint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met
+another bunch of friends, and I spint $8 more&mdash;and thin I come
+home."</p>
+<p>"But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the
+other $3?" Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and
+said:</p>
+<p>"I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have squandered that money
+foolishly."</p>
+<a name="H254" id="H254"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FAILURES</h3>
+<p>Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is
+it true, father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?"</p>
+<p>His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey,"
+he finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as good as
+a failure."</p>
+<a name="H255" id="H255"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FAITH</h3>
+<p>Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his
+flowers and garden will resemble the views shown on the seed
+packets.&mdash;<i>Country Life in America</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher.</p>
+<p>"Pa says," answers Johnny, "that it's readin' in the papers that
+the price o' things has come down, an expectin' to find it true
+when the bills comes in."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn't going to
+hurt.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"As I understand it, Doctor, if I believe I'm well, I'll be
+well. Is that the idea?"</p>
+<p>"It is."</p>
+<p>"Then, if you believe you are paid, I suppose you'll be
+paid."</p>
+<p>"Not necessarily."</p>
+<p>"But why shouldn't faith work as well in one case as in the
+other?"</p>
+<p>"Why, you see, there is considerable difference between having
+faith in Providence and having faith in you."&mdash;<i>Horace
+Zimmerman</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mother had been having considerable argument with her infant
+daughter as to whether the latter was going to be left alone in a
+dark room to go to sleep. As a clincher, the mother said: "There is
+no reason at all why you should be afraid. Remember that God is
+here all the time, and, besides, you have your dolly. Now go to
+sleep like a good little girl." Twenty minutes later a wail came
+from upstairs, and mother went to the foot of the stairs to pacify
+her daughter. "Don't cry," she said; "remember what I told
+you&mdash;God is there with you and you have your dolly." "But I
+don't want them," wailed the baby; "I want you, muvver; I want
+somebody here that has got a skin face on them."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Faith is a fine invention</p>
+<p class="i4">For gentlemen who see;</p>
+<p class="i2">But Microscopes are prudent</p>
+<p class="i4">In an emergency.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Emily Dickinson</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H256" id="H256"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FAITHFULNESS</h3>
+<p>A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At
+first they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to
+give him a trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually
+increased the size of his load until on the last trip he was
+carrying a 300-pound anvil under each arm. When he was half-way
+across the gangplank it broke and the Irishman fell in. With a
+great splashing and spluttering he came to the surface.</p>
+<p>"T'row me a rope, I say!" he shouted again. Once more he sank. A
+third time he rose struggling.</p>
+<p>"Say!" he spluttered angrily, "if one uv you shpalpeens don't
+hurry up an' t'row me a rope I'm goin' to drop one uv these damn
+t'ings!"</p>
+<a name="H257" id="H257"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FAME</h3>
+<p>Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of
+admiration on the part of people who are not thinking of you.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely
+happened to meet an editor who was hard up for material.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of
+obtaining it, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be
+sufficient to deter a man from so vain a
+pursuit.&mdash;<i>Addison</i>.</p>
+<a name="H258" id="H258"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FAMILIES</h3>
+<p>"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great
+Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am
+English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby
+wails."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had been absent from her
+duties for several days. Upon her return her employer asked her the
+reason for her absence.</p>
+<p>"Sure, I've been carin' for wan of me sick children," she
+replied.</p>
+<p>"And how many children have you, Mrs. O'Flarity?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"Siven in all," she replied. "Four by the third wife of me
+second husband; three by the second wife of me furst."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making
+his way to the street-car, followed by his wife and fourteen
+children, when a policeman touched him on the shoulder and
+said:</p>
+<p>"Come along wid me."</p>
+<p>"What for?"</p>
+<p>"Blamed if I know; but when ye're locked up I'll go back and
+find out why that crowd was following ye."</p>
+<a name="H259" id="H259"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FAREWELLS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Happy are we met, Happy have we been,</p>
+<p class="i2">Happy may we part, and Happy meet again.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his
+daughter off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the
+car and went around to the car window to say a last parting word.
+While he was leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to
+speak to a friend, and at the same time a grim old maid took the
+seat and moved up to the window.</p>
+<p>Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head
+up to the window and said: "One more kiss, pet."</p>
+<p>In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust
+from the window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you
+gray-headed wretch!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall
+be the play? Hamlet? Macbeth?"</p>
+<p>"This is your sixth farewell tour, I believe."</p>
+<p>"Well, yes."</p>
+<p>"I would suggest 'Much Adieu About Nothing'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"Farewell!"</p>
+<p>For in that word&mdash;that fatal
+word&mdash;howe'er</p>
+<p>We promise&mdash;hope&mdash;believe&mdash;there
+breathes despair.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Byron</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H260" id="H260"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FASHION</h3>
+<p>There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who
+are comfortable.&mdash;<i>Tom P. Morgan</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened
+to long discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when
+she said her prayers, she added a new petition, uttered with
+unwonted fervency:</p>
+<p>"And, dear Lord, please make us all very stylish."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Nothing is thought rare</p>
+<p class="i2">Which is not new, and follow'd; yet we know</p>
+<p class="i2">That what was worn some twenty years ago</p>
+<p class="i2">Comes into grace again.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Beaumont and Fletcher</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>As good be out of the World as out of the
+Fashion.&mdash;<i>Colley Cibber</i>.</p>
+<a name="H261" id="H261"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FATE</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Fate hit me very hard one day.</p>
+<p class="i2">I cried: "What is my fault?</p>
+<p class="i2">What have I done? What causes, pray,</p>
+<p class="i2">This unprovoked assault?"</p>
+<p class="i2">She paused, then said: "Darned if I know;</p>
+<p class="i2">I really can't explain."</p>
+<p class="i2">Then just before she turned to go</p>
+<p class="i2">She whacked me once again!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>La Touche Hancock</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">So in the Libyan fable it is told</p>
+<p class="i2">That once an eagle stricken with a dart,</p>
+<p class="i2">Said, when he saw the fashion of the shaft,</p>
+<p class="i2">"With our own feathers, not by others' hands,</p>
+<p class="i2">Are we now smitten."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Aeschylus</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H262" id="H262"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FATHERS</h3>
+<p>A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was
+showing his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on
+natural history. Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the
+baby to tell him what it represented. Baby answered "Coty."</p>
+<p>Pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way, she answered
+"Kitty." Then a lion, and she answered "Doggy." Elated with her
+seeming quick perception, he then turned to the picture of a
+Chimpanzee and said:</p>
+<p>"Baby, what is this?"</p>
+<p>"Papa."</p>
+<a name="H263" id="H263"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FAULTS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Women's faults are many,</p>
+<p class="i4">Men have only two&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Everything they say,</p>
+<p class="i4">And everything they do.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Le Crabbe</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H264" id="H264"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FEES</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Tips.</p>
+<a name="H265" id="H265"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FEET</h3>
+<p>BIG MAN (with a grouch)&mdash;"Will you be so kind as to get off
+my feet?"</p>
+<p>LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)&mdash;"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a
+walk?"</p>
+<a name="H266" id="H266"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FIGHTING</h3>
+<p>"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?"</p>
+<p>"Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer
+it."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your
+coat is torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the
+door. "How many times have I told you not to play with that bad
+Jenkins boy?"</p>
+<p>"Now, look here, Mother," said Bobby, "do I look as if we'd been
+playing?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two of the leading attorneys of Memphis, who had been warm
+friends for years, happened to be opposing counsel in a case some
+time ago. The older of the two was a man of magnificent physique,
+almost six feet four, and built in proportion, while the younger
+was barely five feet and weighed not more than ninety pounds.</p>
+<p>In the course of his argument the big man unwittingly made some
+remark that aroused the ire of his small adversary. A moment later
+he felt a great pulling and tugging at his coat tails. Looking
+down, he was greatly astonished to see his opponent wildly
+gesticulating and dancing around him.</p>
+<p>"What on earth are you trying to do there, Dudley?" he
+asked.</p>
+<p>"By Gawd, suh, I'm fightin', suh!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Irishman boasted that he could lick any man in Boston, yes,
+Massachusetts, and finally he added New England. When he came to,
+he said: "I tried to cover too much territory."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Dose Irish make me sick, alvays talking about vat gread
+fighders dey are," said a Teutonic resident of Hoboken, with great
+contempt. "Vhy, at Minna's vedding der odder night dot drunken Mike
+O'Hooligan butted in, und me und mein bruder, und mein cousin Fritz
+und mein frient Louie Hartmann&mdash;vhy, we pretty near kicked him
+oudt of der house!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>VILLAGE GROCER&mdash;"What are you running for, sonny?"</p>
+<p>BOY&mdash;"I'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'."</p>
+<p>VILLAGE GROCER&mdash;"Who are the fellows?"</p>
+<p>BOY&mdash;"Bill Perkins and me!"&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the
+outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a
+witness in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house.
+She took the witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and
+proverbial Bourbon verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice
+what took place. She insisted it did not amount to much, but the
+Judge by his persistency finally got her to tell the story of the
+bloody fracas.</p>
+<p>"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I
+knowed about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en
+Tom knocked him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends
+then cut Tom with a knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam
+Jones, who was a friend of Tom's, shot the other feller and two
+more shot him, en three or four others got cut right smart by
+somebody. That nachly caused some excitement, Jedge, en then they
+commenced fightin'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that
+black eye?" asked the magistrate.</p>
+<p>"Sure, your honor, he wasn't a physical wreck till after he gave
+me the black eye," replied the complaining wife.&mdash;<i>London
+Telegraph</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered
+broiled live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was
+obviously minus one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly
+kicked. The waiter said it was unavoidable&mdash;there had been a
+fight in the kitchen between two lobsters. The other one had torn
+off one of the claws of this lobster and had eaten it. The young
+man pushed the lobster over toward the waiter. "Take it away," he
+said wearily, "and bring me the winner."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There never was a good war or a bad peace.&mdash;<i>Benjamin
+Franklin</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the
+right place.&mdash;<i>John C. Snaith</i>.</p>
+<a name="H267" id="H267"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FINANCE</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Willie had a savings bank;</p>
+<p class="i2">'Twas made of painted tin.</p>
+<p class="i2">He passed it 'round among the boys,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who put their pennies in.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought</p>
+<p class="i2">Sweetmeats and chewing gum.</p>
+<p class="i2">And to the other envious lads</p>
+<p class="i2">He never offered some.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"What will we do?" his mother said:</p>
+<p class="i2">"It is a sad mischance."</p>
+<p class="i2">His father said: "We'll cultivate</p>
+<p class="i2">His gift for high finance."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Washington Star</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>HICKS&mdash;"I've got to borrow $200 somewhere."</p>
+<p>WICKS&mdash;"Take my advice and borrow $300 while you are about
+it."</p>
+<p>"But I only need $200."</p>
+<p>"That doesn't make any difference. Borrow $300 and pay back $100
+of it in two installments at intervals of a month or so. Then the
+man that you borrow from will think he is going to get the rest of
+it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is said J. P. Morgan could raise $10,000,000 on his check any
+minute; but the man who is raising a large family on $9 a week is a
+greater financier than Morgan.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>To modernize an old prophecy, "out of the mouths of babes shall
+come much worldly wisdom." Mr. K. has two boys whom he dearly
+loves. One day he gave each a dollar to spend. After much
+bargaining, they brought home a wonderful four-wheeled steamboat
+and a beautiful train of cars. For awhile the transportation
+business flourished, and all was well, but one day Craig explained
+to his father that while business had been good, he could do much
+better if he only had the capital to buy a train of cars like
+Joe's. His arguments must have been good, for the money was
+forthcoming. Soon after, little Toe, with probably less logic but
+more loving, became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like
+Craig's. But Mr. K., who had furnished the additional capital,
+looked in vain for the improved service. The new rolling stock was
+not in evidence, and explanations were vague and unsatisfactory, as
+is often the case in the railroad game at which men play. It took a
+stern court of inquiry to develop the fact that the railroad and
+steamship had simply changed hands&mdash;and at a mutual profit of
+one hundred per cent. And Mr. K., as he told his neighbor, said it
+was worth that much to know that his boys would not need much of a
+legacy from him.&mdash;<i>P.A. Kershaw</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a
+close bargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood
+for the small sum of twelve dollars.</p>
+<p>"Why on earth did you agree to do it for so little?" his brother
+inquired.</p>
+<p>"Well," said the old painter, "you see, the owner is a mighty
+unreliable man. If I'd said I'd charge him twenty-five dollars,
+likely he'd have only paid me nineteen. And if I charge him twelve
+dollars, he may not pay me but nine. So I thought it over, and
+decided to paint it for twelve dollars, so I wouldn't lose so
+much."</p>
+<a name="H268" id="H268"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FINGER-BOWLS</h3>
+<p>MISTRESS (to new servant)&mdash;"Why, Bridget, this is the third
+time I've had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady
+you last worked for have them on the table?"</p>
+<p>BRIDGET&mdash;"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands
+before they came."</p>
+<a name="H269" id="H269"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FIRE DEPARTMENTS</h3>
+<p>Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines.</p>
+<p>Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a
+ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look
+out! The fire department's coming."</p>
+<p>Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage
+wagon and engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street
+again and drove on. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder
+came tearing along. The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the
+farmer's buggy, smashing it to smithereens and sending the farmer
+sprawling into the gutter. The policeman ran to his assistance.</p>
+<p>"Didn't I tell ye to keep out of the way?" he demanded crossly.
+"Didn't I tell ye the fire department was comin"?"</p>
+<p>"Wall, consarn ye," said the peeved farmer, "I <i>did</i> git
+outer the way for th' fire department. But what in tarnation was
+them drunken painters in sech an all-fired hurry fer?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two Irishmen fresh from Ireland had just landed in New York and
+engaged a room in the top story of a hotel. Mike, being very
+sleepy, threw himself on the bed and was soon fast asleep. The
+sights were so new and strange to Pat that he sat at the window
+looking out. Soon an alarm of fire was rung in and a fire-engine
+rushed by throwing up sparks of fire and clouds of smoke. This
+greatly excited Pat, who called to his comrade to get up and come
+to the window, but Mike was fast asleep. Another engine soon
+followed the first, spouting smoke and fire like the former. This
+was too much for poor Pat, who rushed excitedly to the bedside, and
+shaking his friend called loudly:</p>
+<p>"Mike, Mike, wake up! They are moving Hell, and two loads have
+gone by already."</p>
+<a name="H270" id="H270"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FIRE ESCAPES</h3>
+<p>Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building,
+erected after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law.</p>
+<a name="H271" id="H271"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FIRES</h3>
+<p>"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday."</p>
+<p>"Sh! Next Thursday."</p>
+<a name="H272" id="H272"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY</h3>
+<p>The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up
+the family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said,
+"so please come at once."</p>
+<p>"I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor.</p>
+<p>"Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wife has a book on 'What to
+Do Before the Doctor Comes,' and I'm so afraid she'll do it before
+you get here!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>NURSE GIRL&mdash;"Oh, ma'am, what shall I do? The twins have
+fallen down the well!"</p>
+<p>FOND PARENT&mdash;"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the
+library and get the last number of <i>The Modern Mother's
+Magazine</i>; it contains an article on 'How to Bring Up
+Children.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SURGEON AT NEW YORK HOSPITAL&mdash;"What brought you to this
+dreadful condition? Were you run over by a street-car?"</p>
+<p>PATIENT&mdash;"No, sir; I fainted, and was brought to by a
+member of the Society of First Aid to the
+Injured."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a
+colored woman formerly in the service of his wife. In great
+agitation the woman advised the physician that her youngest child
+was in a bad way.</p>
+<p>"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor.</p>
+<p>"Doc, she done swallered a bottle of ink!"</p>
+<p>"I'll be over there in a short while to see her," said the
+doctor. "Have you done anything for her?"</p>
+<p>"I done give her three pieces o' blottin'-paper, Doc," said the
+colored woman doubtfully.</p>
+<a name="H273" id="H273"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FISH</h3>
+<p>A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half
+dozen fried oysters."</p>
+<p>"Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell
+fish, sah, 'ceptin' eggs."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together,
+and the mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young
+daughter, said:</p>
+<p>"These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the
+larger fish."</p>
+<p>Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked:</p>
+<p>"But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?"</p>
+<a name="H274" id="H274"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FISHERMEN</h3>
+<p>At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales
+could be found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the
+President always used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were
+brought up from the cellar, and the child was found to weigh
+twenty-five pounds.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Doin' any good?" asked the curious individual on the
+bridge.</p>
+<p>"Any good?" answered the fisherman, in the creek below. "Why I
+caught forty bass out o' here yesterday."</p>
+<p>"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the man on the bridge.</p>
+<p>The fisherman replied that he did not.</p>
+<p>"Well, I am the county fish and game warden."</p>
+<p>The angler, after a moment's thought, exclaimed, "Say, do you
+know who I am?"</p>
+<p>"No," the officer replied.</p>
+<p>"Well, I'm the biggest liar in eastern Indiana," said the crafty
+angler, with a grin.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her
+father informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but
+most of all he loved Venice.</p>
+<p>"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily
+understand that your father would like Venice, with its gondolas,
+and St. Markses and Michelangelos."</p>
+<p>"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked
+it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Smith the other day went fishing. He caught nothing, so on his
+way back home he telephoned to his provision dealer to send a dozen
+of bass around to his house.</p>
+<p>He got home late himself. His wife said to him on his
+arrival:</p>
+<p>"Well, what luck?"</p>
+<p>"Why, splendid luck, of course," he replied. "Didn't the boy
+bring that dozen bass I gave him?"</p>
+<p>Mrs. Smith started. Then she smiled.</p>
+<p>"Well, yes, I suppose he did," she said. "There they are."</p>
+<p>And she showed poor Smith a dozen bottles of Bass's ale.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"You'll be a man like one of us some day," said the patronizing
+sportsman to a lad who was throwing his line into the same
+stream.</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir," he answered, "I s'pose I will some day, but I
+b'lieve I'd rather stay small and ketch a few fish."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The more worthless a man, the more fish he can catch.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an
+angler.&mdash;<i>Izaak Walton</i>.</p>
+<a name="H275" id="H275"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FISHING</h3>
+<p>A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to
+a lake in Colorado which he had in contemplation.</p>
+<p>"Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend.</p>
+<p>"Thousands of 'em," replied Mr. Wharry.</p>
+<p>"Will they bite easily?" asked another friend.</p>
+<p>"Will they?" said Mr. Wharry. "Why they're absolutely vicious. A
+man has to hide behind a tree to bait a hook."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I got a bite&mdash;I got a bite!" sang out a tiny girl member
+of a fishing party. But when an older brother hurriedly drew in the
+line there was only a bare hook. "Where's the fish?" he asked. "He
+unbit and div," said the child.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The late Justice Brewer was with a party of New York friends on
+a fishing trip in the Adirondacks, and around the camp fire one
+evening the talk naturally ran on big fish. When it came his turn
+the jurist began, uncertain as to how he was going to come out:</p>
+<p>"We were fishing one time on the Grand Banks
+for&mdash;er&mdash;for&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Whales," somebody suggested.</p>
+<p>"No," said the Justice, "we were baiting with whales."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Lo, Jim! Fishin'?"</p>
+<p>"Naw; drowning worms."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>We may say of angling as Dr. Boteler said of strawberries:
+"Doubtless God could have made a better berry, but doubtless God
+never did"; and so (if I might be judge), God never did make a more
+calm, quiet, innocent recreation than angling.&mdash;<i>Izaak
+Walton</i>.</p>
+<a name="H276" id="H276"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FLATS</h3>
+<p>"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?"</p>
+<p>"Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can
+buy a folding toothbrush?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she
+took refuge in a flood of tears.</p>
+<p>"Before we were married you said you'd lay down your life for
+me," she sobbed.</p>
+<p>"I know it," he returned solemnly; "but this confounded flat is
+so tiny that there's no place to lay anything down."</p>
+<a name="H277" id="H277"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FLATTERY</h3>
+<p>With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel
+O'Connell. "The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever."</p>
+<p>"But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded.</p>
+<p>She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained,
+hurriedly.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MAGISTRATE (about to commit for trial)&mdash;"You certainly
+effected the robbery in a remarkably ingenious way; in fact, with
+quite exceptional cunning."</p>
+<p>PRISONER&mdash;"Now, yer honor, no flattery, please; no
+flattery, I begs yer."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>OLD MAID&mdash;"But why should a great strong man like you be
+found begging?"</p>
+<p>WAYFARER&mdash;"Dear lady, it is the only profession I know in
+which a gentleman can address a beautiful woman without an
+introduction."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>William &mdash;&mdash; was said to be the ugliest, though the
+most lovable, man in Louisiana. On returning to the plantation
+after a short absence, his brother said:</p>
+<p>"Willie, I met in New Orleans a Mrs. Forrester who is a great
+admirer of yours. She said, though, that it wasn't so much the
+brillancy of your mental attainments as your marvelous physical and
+facial beauty which charmed and delighted her."</p>
+<p>"Edmund," cried William earnestly, "that is a wicked lie, but
+tell it to me again!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"You seem to be an able-bodied man. You ought to be strong
+enough to work."</p>
+<p>"I know, mum. And you seem to be beautiful enough to go on the
+stage, but evidently you prefer the simple life."</p>
+<p>After that speech he got a square meal and no reference to the
+woodpile.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i6">O, that men's ears should be</p>
+<p class="i2">To counsel deaf, but not to flattery!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H278" id="H278"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FLIES</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Pure food.</p>
+<a name="H279" id="H279"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FLIRTATION</h3>
+<p>It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation
+is attention without intention.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle."</p>
+<p>"Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in
+for a wedding or a breach of promise suit."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had
+noticed a striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy
+and little Mary, two of her pupils.</p>
+<p>Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn't disposed to
+prosecute his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that
+unless he stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be
+promoted.</p>
+<p>"You must study harder," she told him, "or you won't pass. How
+would you like to stay back in this class another year and have
+little Mary go ahead of you?"</p>
+<p>"Ah," said Tommy. "I guess there'll be other little Marys."</p>
+<a name="H280" id="H280"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FLOWERS</h3>
+<p>Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I
+know why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the
+dirt."</p>
+<a name="H281" id="H281"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FOOD</h3>
+<p>A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for
+a piece of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not
+understanding and yet unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge,
+brought the customer a piece of chocolate cake.</p>
+<p>"No, no, my friend," said the smiling man. "I meant
+<i>George</i> Washington, not <i>Booker</i> Washington."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the
+"pillars" of the church to which they both belonged. As he thought
+of her long and useful life, and looked upon her sweet, placid
+countenance bearing but few tokens of her ninety-two years of
+earthly pilgrimage, he was moved to ask her, "My dear Mrs. S., what
+has been the chief source of your strength and sustenance during
+all these years? What has appealed to you as the real basis of your
+unusual vigor of mind and body, and has been to you an unfailing
+comfort through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I may pass the secret
+on to others, and, if possible, profit by it myself."</p>
+<p>The old lady thought a moment, then lifting her eyes, dim with
+age, yet kindling with sweet memories of the past, answered
+briefly, "Victuals."&mdash;<i>Sarah L. Tenney</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food
+wrote to the editor:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p><i>Dear Sir</i>: Seeing as you say how fish is good for the
+brains, what kind of fish shall I eat?</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>To this the editor replied:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p><i>Dear Miss</i>: Judging from the composition of your letter I
+should advise you to eat a whale.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch
+restaurant and ordered a chicken pie. When it arrived he raised the
+lid and sat gazing at the contents intently for a while. Finally he
+called the waiter.</p>
+<p>"Look here, Sam," he said, "what did I order?"</p>
+<p>"Chicken pie, sah."</p>
+<p>"And what have you brought me?"</p>
+<p>"Chicken pie, sah."</p>
+<p>"Chicken pie, you black rascal!" the customer replied. "Chicken
+pie? Why, there's not a piece of chicken in it, and never was."</p>
+<p>"Dat's right, boss&mdash;dey ain't no chicken in it."</p>
+<p>"Then why do you call it chicken pie? I never heard of such a
+thing."</p>
+<p>"Dat's all right, boss. Dey don't have to be no chicken in a
+chicken pie. Dey ain't no dog in a dog biscuit, is dey?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Dining.</p>
+<a name="H282" id="H282"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FOOTBALL</h3>
+<p>His SISTER&mdash;"His nose seems broken."</p>
+<p>His FIANCEE&mdash;"And he's lost his front teeth."</p>
+<p>His MOTHER&mdash;"But he didn't drop the
+ball!"&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H283" id="H283"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FORDS</h3>
+<p>A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the
+step of a Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his
+position, then sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other
+skate?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road
+and gazing upward, asked him if he were watching the birds.</p>
+<p>"No," he answered, "I was cranking my Ford car and my hand
+slipped off and the thing got away and went straight up in the
+air."</p>
+<a name="H284" id="H284"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FORECASTING</h3>
+<p>A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored
+maid.</p>
+<p>"Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the
+air.</p>
+<p>"Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks
+frum Wednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in her mistress's
+face, she added hastily&mdash;"I want to go to my finance's
+fun'ral."</p>
+<p>"Goodness me," answered the lady&mdash;"Your finance's funeral!
+Why, you don't know that he's even going to die, let alone the date
+of his funeral. That is something we can't any of us be sure
+about&mdash;when we are going to die."</p>
+<p>"Yes'm," said the girl doubtfully. Then, with a triumphant note
+in her voice&mdash;"I'se sure about him, Mis', 'cos he's goin' to
+be hung!"</p>
+<a name="H285" id="H285"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FORESIGHT</h3>
+<p>"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her
+bosom friend Ann said.</p>
+<p>"Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for
+pullin' the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of
+mine, and the Magistrate said that if I come afore 'im ag'in, or
+laid me 'ands on the old man, he'd fine me forty shillin's!"</p>
+<p>"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?"</p>
+<p>"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a
+thousand dollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die."</p>
+<p>"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?"</p>
+<p>"Lots," said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There once was a pious young priest,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who lived almost wholly on yeast;</p>
+<p class="i4">"For," he said, "it is plain</p>
+<p class="i4">We must all rise again,</p>
+<p class="i2">And I want to get started, at least."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H286" id="H286"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FORGETFULNESS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Memory.</p>
+<a name="H287" id="H287"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FORTUNE HUNTERS</h3>
+<p>HER FATHER&mdash;"So my daughter has consented to become your
+wife. Have you fixed the day of the wedding?"</p>
+<p>SUITOR&mdash;"I will leave that to my fianc&eacute;e."</p>
+<p>H.F.&mdash;"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"</p>
+<p>S.&mdash;"Her mother can decide that, sir."</p>
+<p>H.F.&mdash;"What have you to live on?"</p>
+<p>S.&mdash;"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his
+government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in
+Great Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising
+without result, he applied to the police, and a smart young
+detective was set to work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he
+was getting on.</p>
+<p>"I've found the lady, sir."</p>
+<p>"Good! Where is she?"</p>
+<p>"At my place. I married her yesterday."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I would die for you," said the rich suitor.</p>
+<p>"How soon?" asked the practical girl.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>HE&mdash;"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."</p>
+<p>SHE&mdash;"Why?"</p>
+<p>"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance."</p>
+<p>"Is she looking for one?"&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MAUDE&mdash;"I've just heard of a case where a man married a
+girl on his deathbed so she could have his millions when he was
+gone. Could you love a girl like that?"</p>
+<p>JACK&mdash;"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's
+her address?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my
+girls, and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I
+have made a little money they will not go penniless to their
+husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good
+girl. I shall give her $1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who
+won't see thirty-five again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the
+man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5,000 with her."</p>
+<p>The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You
+haven't one about fifty, have you?"</p>
+<a name="H288" id="H288"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FOUNTAIN PENS</h3>
+<p>"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to
+his visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city
+fellers do."</p>
+<p>"It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing
+with pleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain
+pen."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Percy" asks if we know anything which will change the color of
+the fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette
+smoking.</p>
+<p>He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain
+pens.</p>
+<a name="H289" id="H289"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FOURTH OF JULY</h3>
+<p>"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?"</p>
+<p>"Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a
+day at least once a year."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall
+advertised special attractions to American visitors. All over the
+auditorium the Union Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one
+another, and at the interludes were heard "Yankee Doodle" and "Hail
+Columbia," while a quartette sang "Down upon the Swanee River." It
+was an occasion to swell the heart of an exiled patriot. Finally
+came the turn of the Human Encyclopedia, who advanced to the front
+of the stage and announced himself ready to answer, sight unseen,
+all questions the audience might propound. A volley of queries was
+fired at him, and the Encyclopedia breathlessly told the distance
+of the earth from Mars, the number of bones in the human skeleton,
+of square miles in the British Empire, and other equally important
+facts. There was a brief pause, in which an American stood up.</p>
+<p>"What great event took place July 4, 1776?" he propounded in a
+loud glad voice.</p>
+<p>The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. "Th' hincident you speak
+of, sir, was a hinfamous houtrage!"</p>
+<a name="H290" id="H290"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FREAKS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Husbands.</p>
+<a name="H291" id="H291"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FREE THOUGHT</h3>
+<p>TOMMY&mdash;"Pop, what is a freethinker?"</p>
+<p>POP&mdash;"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't
+married."</p>
+<a name="H292" id="H292"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FRENCH LANGUAGE</h3>
+<p>"I understand you speak French like a native."</p>
+<p>"No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent
+down pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between
+the acts of "Chantecler": "I think it's mo' fun when you don't
+understand French. It sounds mo' like
+chickens!"&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H293" id="H293"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FRESHMEN</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> College Students.</p>
+<a name="H294" id="H294"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FRIENDS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The Lord gives our relatives,</p>
+<p class="i2">Thank God we can choose our friends.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Father."</p>
+<p>"Well, what is it?"</p>
+<p>"It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.' Is that
+so, Father?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, yes, yes."</p>
+<p>"Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad man, is
+the good man bad because he keeps company with the bad man, and is
+the bad man good because he keeps company with the good
+man?"&mdash;<i>Punch</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's champagne to our real friends.</p>
+<p class="i2">And real pain to our sham friends.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">It's better to make friends fast</p>
+<p class="i4">Than to make fast friends.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Some friends are a habit&mdash;some a luxury.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your
+faults.</p>
+<a name="H295" id="H295"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF</h3>
+<p>A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the
+Society of Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid
+Quakeresses who took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street
+Station. After a few minutes' silence she was somewhat startled to
+hear a gentle voice inquire: "Sister Kate, will thee go to the
+counter and have a milk punch on me?"&mdash;<i>Carolina
+Lockhart</i>.</p>
+<a name="H2951" id="H2951"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FRIENDSHIP</h3>
+<p>Friendly may we part and quickly meet again.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There's fellowship</p>
+<p class="i2">In every sip</p>
+<p class="i2">Of friendship's brew.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with
+friendship.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the four hinges of Friendship&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking.</p>
+<p class="i2">When you swear, swear by your country;</p>
+<p class="i2">When you lie, lie for a pretty woman,</p>
+<p class="i2">When you steal, steal away from bad company</p>
+<p class="i2">And when you drink, drink with me.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The trouble with having friends is the upkeep.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Brown volunteered to lend me money."</p>
+<p>"Did you take it?"</p>
+<p>"No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I let my house furnished, and they've had measles there. Of
+course we've had the place disinfected; so I suppose it's quite
+safe. What do you think?"</p>
+<p>"I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it
+would be safer to lend it to a friend
+first."&mdash;<i>Punch</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff
+yer potatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye
+mak' extra reductions for yer freends."</p>
+<p>"Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin's a ton beacuse a
+customer is a freend o' mine, an' then I jist tak' twa
+hundert-weight aff the ton because I'm a freend o'
+his."&mdash;<i>Punch</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a
+ride on one of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the
+caboose to go up and put the man off at the next stop. When the
+brakeman approached the tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and
+told him to keep away.</p>
+<p>"Did you get rid of him?" the conductor asked the brakeman, when
+the train was under motion again.</p>
+<p>"I hadn't the heart," was the reply. "He turned out to be an old
+school friend of mine."</p>
+<p>"I'll take care of him," said the conductor, as he started over
+the tops of the cars.</p>
+<p>After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman
+came into the caboose and said to the conductor:</p>
+<p>"Well, is he off?"</p>
+<p>"No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through
+life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep
+his friendship in constant repair.&mdash;<i>Samuel Johnson</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>They say, and I am glad they say,</p>
+<p class="i2">It is so; and it may be so;</p>
+<p>It may be just the other way,</p>
+<p class="i2">I cannot tell, but this I know&mdash;</p>
+<p>From quiet homes and first beginnings</p>
+<p class="i2">Out to the undiscovered ends</p>
+<p>There's nothing worth the wear of winning</p>
+<p class="i2">Save laughter and the love of friends.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Hilaire Belloc</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H296" id="H296"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FUN</h3>
+<p>Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it
+costs.&mdash;<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Amusements.</p>
+<a name="H297" id="H297"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FUNERALS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was an old man in a hearse,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who murmured, "This might have been worse;</p>
+<p class="i4">Of course the expense</p>
+<p class="i4">Is simply immense,</p>
+<p class="i2">But it doesn't come out of my purse."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H298" id="H298"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FURNITURE</h3>
+<p>GUEST&mdash;"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost
+you?"</p>
+<p>HOST&mdash;"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and
+the rest for furniture to match."</p>
+<a name="H299" id="H299"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>FUTURE LIFE</h3>
+<p>A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was
+only in a state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried,
+he showed signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead.</p>
+<p>"Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all that was going
+on. And I knew I wasn't dead, too, because my feet were cold and I
+was hungry."</p>
+<p>"But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?"
+asked one of the curious.</p>
+<p>"Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't be
+hungry. And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn't be
+cold."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FATHER (impressively)&mdash;"Suppose I should be taken away
+suddenly, what would become of you, my boy?"</p>
+<p>IRREVERENT SON&mdash;"I'd stay here. The question is, What would
+become of you?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Look here, now, Harold," said a father to his little son, who
+was naughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to
+Heaven."</p>
+<p>"I don't want to go to Heaven," sobbed the boy; "I want to go
+with you and mother."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to
+be buried at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the
+burial service, at the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped
+the body in canvas preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is
+customary to place heavy shot with a body to insure its immediate
+sinking, but in this instance, nothing else being available, a
+large lump of coal was substituted. Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed
+his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed,</p>
+<p>"Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I
+didn't think you'd have to furnish your own fuel."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life
+that in the next he would have to climb up hill to get into
+hell.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When P.T. Barnum was at the head of his "great moral show," it
+was his rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the
+custom is continued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend
+Doctor Walker succeeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor
+Hawks, in Hartford, there came to the parsonage, addressed to
+Doctor Hawks, tickets for the circus, with the compliments of the
+famous showman. Doctor Walker studied the tickets for a moment, and
+then remarked:</p>
+<p>"Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they
+haven't met."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens
+of Philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among
+others were the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad;
+ex-Attorney-General MacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other
+prominent railroad men.</p>
+<p>Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said:
+"Your Grace, among others you see here a great many railroad men.
+There is a peculiarity of railroad men that even on social
+occasions you will find that they always take their lawyer with
+them. That is why I am here. They never go anywhere without their
+counsel. Now they have nearly everything that men want, but I have
+a suggestion to make to you for an exchange with us. We can give
+free passes on all the railroads of the country. Now if you would
+only give us&mdash;say a free pass to Paradise by way of
+exchange."</p>
+<p>"Ah, no," said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "that
+would never do. I would not like to separate them from their
+counsel."</p>
+<a name="H300" id="H300"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GARDENING</h3>
+<p>Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just
+before they go a fishin'.&mdash;<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few
+months from now I won't be kicking about your prices."</p>
+<p>"No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to
+sell vegetables so cheap."</p>
+<a name="H301" id="H301"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GAS STOVES</h3>
+<p>A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be
+contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for
+many years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due
+season. It so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the
+very day mammy arrived. Before departing she had just time to
+explain to mammy the modern conveniences with which her apartment
+was furnished. The gas stove was the contrivance which interested
+the colored woman most. After the mistress of the household had
+lighted the oven, the broiler, and the other burners and felt
+certain the old servant understood its operations, the mistress
+hurried for her train.</p>
+<p>She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to
+mammy was how she had worried along.</p>
+<p>"De fines' ever," was the reply. "And dat air gas stove&mdash;O
+my! Why do you know, Miss Flo'ence, dat fire aint gone out
+yit."</p>
+<a name="H302" id="H302"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GENEROSITY</h3>
+<p>"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but
+recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous
+everybody is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me
+mither, and the young man tells me I can get a money order for $10
+for 10 cents. Think of that now!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At one of these reunions of the Blue and the Gray so happily
+common of late, a northern veteran, who had lost both arms and both
+legs in the service, caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous
+place to receive alms. The response to his appeal was generous and
+his cup rapidly filled.</p>
+<p>Nobody gave him more than a dime, however, except a grizzled
+warrior of the lost cause, who plumped in a dollar. And not
+content, he presently came that way again and plumped in another
+dollar.</p>
+<p>The cripple's gratitude did not quite extinguish his curiosity.
+"Why," he inquired, "do you, who fought on the other side, give me
+so much more than any of those who were my comrades in arms?"</p>
+<p>The old rebel smiled grimly. "Because," he replied, "you're the
+first Yank I ever saw trimmed up just to suit me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At dinner one day, it was noticed that a small daughter of the
+minister was putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her
+father asked her why she did that. She explained that she was
+saving them for her dog. Her father told her there were plenty of
+bones the dog could have so she consented to eat the dainty bits.
+Later she collected the bones and took them to the dog saying, "I
+meant to give a free will offering but it is only a
+collection."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion
+store and asked for a match.</p>
+<p>"We only <i>sell</i> matches," said the storekeeper.</p>
+<p>"How much are they?" asked the future citizen.</p>
+<p>"Penny a box," was the answer.</p>
+<p>"Gimme a box," said the boy.</p>
+<p>He took one match, lit the cigarette, and handed the box back
+over the counter, saying, "Here, take it and put it on de shelf,
+and when anodder sport comes and asks for a match, give him one on
+me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Little Ralph belonged to a family of five. One morning he came
+into the house carrying five stones which he brought to his mother,
+saying:</p>
+<p>"Look, mother, here are tombstones for each one of us."</p>
+<p>The mother, counting them, said:</p>
+<p>"Here is one for father, dear! Here is one for mother! Here is
+brother's! Here is the baby's; but there is none for Delia, the
+maid."</p>
+<p>Ralph was lost in thought for a moment, then cheerfully
+cried:</p>
+<p>"Oh, well, never mind, mother; Delia can have mine, and I'll
+live!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>She was making the usual female search for her purse when the
+conductor came to collect the fares.</p>
+<p>Her companion meditated silently for a moment, then, addressing
+the other, said:</p>
+<p>"Let us divide this Mabel; you fumble and I'll pay."</p>
+<a name="H303" id="H303"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GENTLEMEN</h3>
+<p>"Sadie, what is a gentleman?"</p>
+<p>"Please, ma'am," she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't
+know very well."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two characters in Jeffery Farnol's "Amateur Gentleman" give
+these definitions of a gentleman:</p>
+<p>"A gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university, but doesn't
+have to learn anything; who goes out into the world, but doesn't
+have to work at anything; and who has never been black-balled at
+any of the clubs."</p>
+<p>"A gentleman is (I take it) one born with the God-like capacity
+to think and feel for others, irrespective of their rank or
+condition.... One who possesses an ideal so lofty, a mind so
+delicate, that it lifts him above all things ignoble and base, yet
+strengthens his hands to raise those who are fallen&mdash;no matter
+how low."</p>
+<a name="H304" id="H304"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GERMANS</h3>
+<p>The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At
+the dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he
+was so silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks.</p>
+<p>"Quite right," responded Heine, "but to-night I have exchanged
+views with my German friends and my head is fearfully empty."</p>
+<a name="H305" id="H305"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GHOSTS</h3>
+<p>"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no
+great appeal to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of
+coal-tar dyes, told some friends in New York recently. "Personally,
+in the course of a fairly long career, I have heard at first hand
+but one ghost story. Its hero was a man whom I may as well call
+Snooks.</p>
+<p>"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted
+chamber for the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest
+uneasiness, but nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he
+took to bed with him a revolver of the latest American pattern.</p>
+<p>"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he
+awoke with an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head
+and peered about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full
+moon, and in that weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a
+small, white hand clasping the rail at the foot of the bed.</p>
+<p>"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously.</p>
+<p>"There was no reply. The small white hand did not move.</p>
+<p>"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot.'</p>
+<p>"Again there was no reply.</p>
+<p>"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and
+fired.</p>
+<p>"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own
+toes."</p>
+<a name="H306" id="H306"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GIFTS</h3>
+<p>When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent
+a check for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter,
+Felicia Robson, who attended the wedding conveyed the gift.</p>
+<p>"Felicia," said her father upon her return, "did you give him
+the check?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, Father," answered the daughter.</p>
+<p>"What did he say?" asked Robson.</p>
+<p>"He didn't say anything," replied Miss Felicia, "but he shed
+tears."</p>
+<p>"How long did he cry?"</p>
+<p>"Why Father, I didn't time him. I should say, however, that he
+wept fully a minute."</p>
+<p>"Fully a minute," mused Robson. "Why, Daughter, I cried an hour
+after I signed it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A church house in a certain rural district was sadly in need of
+repairs. The official board had called a meeting of the
+parishioners to see what could be done toward raising the necessary
+funds. One of the wealthiest and stingiest of the adherents of that
+church arose and said that he would give five dollars, and sat
+down.</p>
+<p>Just then a bit of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him
+squarely upon the head. Whereupon he jumped up, looked confused and
+said: "I&mdash;er&mdash;I meant I'll give fifty dollars!" then
+again resumed his seat.</p>
+<p>After a brief silence a voice was heard to say: "O Lord, hit 'im
+again!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>He gives twice who gives quickly because the collectors come
+around later on and hit him for another
+subscription.&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Presents," I often say, "endear Absents."&mdash;<i>Charles
+Lamb</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In giving, a man receives more than he gives, and the more is in
+proportion to the worth of the thing given.&mdash;<i>George
+MacDonald</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Christmas gifts.</p>
+<a name="H307" id="H307"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GLUTTONY</h3>
+<p>A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of
+mince pie.</p>
+<p>A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to
+die.</p>
+<p>"No," the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from
+eating too much."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>There was a young person named Ned,</p>
+<p>Who dined before going to bed,</p>
+<p class="i2">On lobster and ham</p>
+<p class="i2">And salad and jam,</p>
+<p>And when he awoke he was dead.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H308" id="H308"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GOLF</h3>
+<p>Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to
+the hour. As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to
+Jock:</p>
+<p>"Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'."</p>
+<p>"The morrn'?" Jock repeated.</p>
+<p>"Aye, mon, the morrn'," said Sandy. "I'll go ye a roond on the
+links in the morrn'."</p>
+<p>"Aye, weel," said Jock, "I'll go ye. But I had intended to get
+marriet in the morrn'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent&mdash;</p>
+<p>"Sir, I wish you clearly to understand that I resent your
+unwarrant&mdash;your interference with my game, sir! Tilt the green
+once more, sir, and I chuck the match."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Doctor William S. Rainsford is an inveterate golf player. When
+he was rector of St. George's Church, in New York City, he was
+badly beaten on the links by one of his vestrymen. To console the
+clergyman the vestryman ventured to say: "Never mind, Doctor,
+you'll get satisfaction some day when I pass away. Then you'll read
+the burial service over me."</p>
+<p>"I don't see any satisfaction in that," answered the clergy-man,
+"for you'll still be in the hole."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER&mdash;"Willie, do you know what beomes of
+boys who use bad language when they're playing marbles?"</p>
+<p>WILLIE&mdash;"Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The game of golf, as every humorist knows, is conducive to
+profanity. It is also a terrible strain on veracity, every man
+being his own umpire.</p>
+<p>Four men were playing golf on a course where the hazard on the
+ninth hole was a deep ravine.</p>
+<p>They drove off. Three went into the ravine and one managed to
+get his ball over. The three who had dropped into the ravine walked
+up to have a look. Two of them decided not to try to play their
+balls out and gave up the hole. The third said he would go down and
+play out his ball. He disappeared into the deep crevasse. Presently
+his ball came bobbing out and after a time he climbed up.</p>
+<p>"How many strokes?" asked one of his opponents.</p>
+<p>"Three."</p>
+<p>"But I heard six."</p>
+<p>"Three of them were echoes!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When Mark Twain came to Washington to try to get a decent
+copyright law passed, a representative took him out to Chevy
+Chase.</p>
+<p>Mark Twain refused to play golf himself, but he consented to
+walk over the course and watch the representative's strokes. The
+representative was rather a duffer. Teeing off, he sent clouds of
+earth flying in all directions. Then, to hide his confusion he said
+to his guest: "What do you think of our links here, Mr.
+Clemens?"</p>
+<p>"Best I ever tasted," said Mark Twain, as he wiped the dirt from
+his lips with his handkerchief.</p>
+<a name="H309" id="H309"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GOOD FELLOWSHIP</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A glass is good, a lass is good,</p>
+<p class="i4">And a pipe to smoke in cold weather,</p>
+<p class="i2">The world is good and the people are good,</p>
+<p class="i4">And we're all good fellows together.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">May good humor preside when good fellows meet,</p>
+<p class="i2">And reason prescribe when'tis time to retreat.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Here's to us that are here, to you that are there, and the rest
+of us everywhere.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to all the world,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">For fear some darn fool may take offence.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H310" id="H310"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GOSSIP</h3>
+<p>A gossip is a person who syndicates his
+conversation.&mdash;<i>Dick Dickinson</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Gossips are the spies of life.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?"</p>
+<p>"I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat
+it to each other."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is,
+the neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows
+the ways of the world.</p>
+<p>Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a
+particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over
+very solemnly sent the little girl up to her room.</p>
+<p>An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sitting
+complacently on the window seat, looking out at the other
+children.</p>
+<p>"Well, little girl," the mother began, "did you tell God all
+about how naughty you'd been?"</p>
+<p>The youngster shook her head, emphatically. "Guess I didn't,"
+she gurgled; "why, it'd be all over heaven in no time."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody
+down.&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Papa, mamma says that one-half the world doesn't know how the
+other half lives."</p>
+<p>"Well, she shouldn't blame herself, dear, it isn't her
+fault."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is only national history that "repeats itself." Your private
+history is repeated by the neighbors.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"You're a terrible scandal-monger, Linkum," said Jorrocks.</p>
+<p>"Why in thunder don't you make it a rule to tell only half what
+you hear?"</p>
+<p>"That's what I do do," said Linkum. "Only I tell the spicy
+half."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What," asked the Sunday-school teacher, "is meant by bearing
+false witness against one's neighbor?"</p>
+<p>"It's telling falsehoods about them," said the one small
+maid.</p>
+<p>"Partly right and partly wrong," said the teacher.</p>
+<p>"I know," said another little girl, holding her hand high in the
+air. "It's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told
+about it."&mdash;<i>H.R. Bennett</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MAUD&mdash;"That story you told about Alice isn't worth
+repeating."</p>
+<p>KATE&mdash;"It's young yet; give it time."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SON&mdash;"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?"</p>
+<p>FATHER&mdash;"Because they are too polite to leave off the
+'e.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I cannot tell how the truth may be;</p>
+<p class="i2">I say the tale as 'twas said to me.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty,
+and if you do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, "Why
+should I tell it?"&mdash;<i>Lavater</i>.</p>
+<a name="H311" id="H311"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP</h3>
+<p>"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the
+government?"</p>
+<p>"I might if I didn't know who controlled the
+government."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H312" id="H312"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GOVERNORS</h3>
+<p>The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a
+Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at
+table sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the
+Governor solemnly throughout the repast.</p>
+<p>Finally the youngster asked, "Are you really and truly a
+governor?"</p>
+<p>"Yes," replied the great man laughingly; "I really and truly
+am."</p>
+<p>"I've always wanted to see a governor," continued the child,
+"for I've heard Daddy speak of 'em."</p>
+<p>"Well," rejoined the Governor, "now that you have seen one, are
+you satisfied?"</p>
+<p>"No, sir," answered the youngster, without the slightest
+impertinence, but with an air of great conviction, "no, sir; I'm
+disappointed."</p>
+<a name="H313" id="H313"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GRAFT</h3>
+<p>"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner.</p>
+<p>"Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which
+ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population
+to apologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to
+explain how they got it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>LADY&mdash;"I guess you're gettin' a good thing out o' tending
+the rich Smith boy, ain't ye, doctor?"</p>
+<p>DOCTOR&mdash;"Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee. Why?"</p>
+<p>LADY&mdash;"Well, I hope you won't forget that my Willie threw
+the brick that hit 'im!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Every man has his price, but some hold bargain
+sales.&mdash;<i>Satire</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Democrats had a clear working majority in &mdash;&mdash;,
+Illinois, for a number of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment
+went into effect it enfranchised so many of the "culled bredren" as
+to make it apparent to the party leaders that unless a good many
+black votes could be bought up, the Republicans would carry the
+city election. Accordingly advances were made to the Rev. Brother
+&mdash;&mdash;, whose influence it was thought desirable to secure,
+inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of his entire
+church.</p>
+<p>He was found "open to conviction," and arrangements progressed
+satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary
+to secure his vote and influence.</p>
+<p>With an air of offended dignity, Brother &mdash;&mdash;
+replied:</p>
+<p>"Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist
+Church dis ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low;
+but, gemmen, my son will call round to see you in de mornin'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned
+his new suit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a
+caf&eacute; and refreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his
+pocket for the money to settle his check, he realized that he had
+neglected to transfer both purse and watch when he left his suit.
+As he hesitated, somewhat embarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor
+at his feet. Seizing it thankfully, he stepped to the cashier's
+desk and presented both check and money.</p>
+<p>"That was a two dollar bill," he explained when he counted his
+change.</p>
+<p>"I know it," said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head.
+"I'm dividing with you. I saw it first."</p>
+<a name="H314" id="H314"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GRATITUDE</h3>
+<p>After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer,
+the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och,
+counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I
+saw you knocked down in me own parish&mdash;wouldn't I bring a
+faction to the rescue?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner who
+complained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to
+read.</p>
+<p>"Nutt'n but continued stories," he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung
+next Tuesday."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the
+United Society of Lady Vegetarians.</p>
+<p>They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to
+boil, when, horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the
+scene.</p>
+<p>Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging
+creature pounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red
+parasol. By great good fortune she nipped over the stile before it
+could reach her. Then, regaining her breath, she turned round.</p>
+<p>"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been
+a vegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Miss PASSAY&mdash;"You have saved my life, young man. How can I
+repay you? How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?"</p>
+<p>YOUNG MAN&mdash;"Yes; come and be a cook for us."</p>
+<a name="H315" id="H315"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GREAT BRITAIN</h3>
+<p>One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his
+speech in the House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is
+the story of the small boy who was watching the Speaker's
+procession as it wended its way through the lobby. First came the
+Speaker, and then the chaplain, and next the other officers.</p>
+<p>"Who, father, is that gentleman?" said the small boy, pointing
+to the chaplain.</p>
+<p>"That, my son," said the father, "is the chaplain of the
+House."</p>
+<p>"Does he pray for the members?" asked the small boy.</p>
+<p>The father thought a minute and then said: "No, my son; when he
+goes into the House he looks around and sees the members sitting
+there and then he prays for the country."&mdash;<i>Cardiff
+Mail</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of
+history, who has evidently profited by such observations as he may
+have overheard his father utter touching certain phases of British
+empire-building. At any rate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the
+opinion not infrequently expressed in regard to the righteousness
+of "British occupation." It was he who handed in the following
+essay on the making of a British colony:</p>
+<p>"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does
+it. First she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a
+specially beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his
+people round him and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are
+shut, up goes the British flag."</p>
+<a name="H316" id="H316"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GRIEF</h3>
+<p>Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's
+invitation to ride in his new car.</p>
+<p>"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?"</p>
+<p>"No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that&mdash;I done los' $5, sah,
+an' I jes' nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve."</p>
+<a name="H317" id="H317"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GUARANTEES</h3>
+<p>TRAVELER (on an English train)&mdash;"Shall I have time to get a
+drink?"</p>
+<p>GUARD&mdash;"Yes, sir."</p>
+<p>TRAVELER&mdash;"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't
+start?"</p>
+<p>GUARD&mdash;"Yes, I'll take one with you!"</p>
+<a name="H318" id="H318"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>GUESTS</h3>
+<p>"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg
+at breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"</p>
+<p>"Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss
+mornin', suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and
+we's savin' all de fresh aigs for him, suh."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Here's a health to thee and thine</p>
+<p class="i2">From the hearts of me and mine;</p>
+<p class="i2">And when thee and thine</p>
+<p class="i2">Come to see me and mine,</p>
+<p class="i2">May me and mine make thee and thine</p>
+<p class="i2">As welcome as thee and thine</p>
+<p class="i2">Have ever made me and mine."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H319" id="H319"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HABIT</h3>
+<p>Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a
+young timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been
+many times spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any
+time when you want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can
+manage him."</p>
+<p>One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy
+appeared at the first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work,
+seized him by the arm, dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him
+over her knee and did her duty.</p>
+<p>When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to
+say?"</p>
+<p>"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon
+keeper was appointed police magistrate.</p>
+<p>"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first
+case was called.</p>
+<p>"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.</p>
+<p>The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling
+defendant.</p>
+<p>"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded.</p>
+<p>"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop."</p>
+<p>"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he
+absently polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket
+handkerchief.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to
+another. "Did you see it?"</p>
+<p>"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before
+sunrise."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an
+early train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open.
+Near the station he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him
+with:</p>
+<p>"Say, son, got another cigarette?"</p>
+<p>"No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings."</p>
+<p>"All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very
+well. Will you fix one for me?"</p>
+<p>The boy did.</p>
+<p>"Don't believe I've got a match," said the man, after a search
+through his pockets.</p>
+<p>The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain," he said "you ain't
+got anything but the habit, have you?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Habit with him was all the test of truth;</p>
+<p class="i2">"It must be right: I've done it from my youth."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Crabbe</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H320" id="H320"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HADES</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Future life.</p>
+<a name="H321" id="H321"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HAPPINESS</h3>
+<p>Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school
+question:</p>
+<p>"The subject of the American versus the English school has been
+too much discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all,
+on the schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is
+well reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which
+said:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"'Dear parents&mdash;We are having a good time now at school.
+George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went skating
+and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was drowned. Most
+of the boys here are down with influenza. The gardener fell into
+our cave and broke his rib, but he can work a little. The aviator
+man at the race course kicked us because we threw sand in his
+motor, and we are all black and blue. I broke my front tooth
+playing football. We are very happy.'"</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you
+make them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the
+memory of it.&mdash;<i>Sydney Smith</i>.</p>
+<a name="H322" id="H322"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HARNESSING</h3>
+<p>The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap
+for a little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination,
+the horse was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while
+the men fished for an hour or two.</p>
+<p>When they were ready to go home, a difficulty at once presented
+itself, inasmuch as neither of the Trentonians knew how to
+reharness the horse. Every effort in this direction met with dire
+failure, and the worst problem was properly to adjust the bit. The
+horse himself seemed to resent the idea of going into harness
+again.</p>
+<p>Finally one of the friends, in great disgust, sat down in the
+road. "There's only one thing we can do, Bill," said he.</p>
+<p>"What's that?" asked Bill.</p>
+<p>"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!"</p>
+<a name="H323" id="H323"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HARVARD UNIVERSITY</h3>
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is
+a match factory."</p>
+<p>"That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make
+the heads, but we get the sticks from Harvard."&mdash;<i>C.
+Stratton</i>.</p>
+<a name="H324" id="H324"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HASH</h3>
+<p>"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any
+connecting link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable
+kingdom?"</p>
+<p>"Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash."</p>
+<a name="H325" id="H325"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HASTE</h3>
+<p>The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through
+the crowd rushed a man&mdash;hot, excited, laden to the chin with
+bundles of every shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his
+eyes fixed on a ferryboat only two or three feet out from the pier.
+He paused but an instant on the string-piece, and then, cheered on
+by the amused crowd, he made a flying leap across the intervening
+stretch of water and landed safely on the deck. A fat man happened
+to be standing on the exact spot on which he struck, and they both
+went down with a resounding crash. When the arriving man had
+somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat man. "I hope
+I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway I caught the
+boat!"</p>
+<p>"But you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"</p>
+<a name="H326" id="H326"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HEALTH RESORTS</h3>
+<p>"Where've you been, Murray?"</p>
+<p>"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply
+great."</p>
+<p>"Then why did you come away?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, I got sick and had to come home."</p>
+<p>"Are you going back?"</p>
+<p>"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough."</p>
+<a name="H327" id="H327"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HEARING</h3>
+<p>The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they
+had overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.</p>
+<p>"They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard
+her mention 'a trained deer.'"</p>
+<p>"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must
+have! They were talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out
+about the train, dear.'"</p>
+<p>"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were
+talking about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as
+distinctly as could be."</p>
+<p>The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady
+herself appeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and
+asked for a settlement.</p>
+<p>"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each
+one. "I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my
+husband if it rained here last night."</p>
+<p>After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in
+silence.&mdash;<i>W.J. Lampton</i>.</p>
+<a name="H328" id="H328"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HEAVEN</h3>
+<p>"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard,
+"don't you make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."</p>
+<p>"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt."</p>
+<p>"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to
+heaven."</p>
+<p>"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live
+ones up there."&mdash;<i>I.C. Curtis</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Future life.</p>
+<a name="H329" id="H329"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HEIRLOOMS</h3>
+<p>HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)&mdash;"Are both
+your rings heirlooms?"</p>
+<p>SHE (concealing the hand)&mdash;"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in
+the family since the time of Alfred, but the other is
+newer"&mdash;(blushing)&mdash;"it only dates from the
+conquest."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"My grandfather was a captain of industry."</p>
+<p>"Well?"</p>
+<p>"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his
+check-books."</p>
+<a name="H330" id="H330"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HELL</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Future life.</p>
+<a name="H331" id="H331"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HEREDITY</h3>
+<p>"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"</p>
+<p>"Something which descends from father to son."</p>
+<p>"Is a spanking hereditary?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top
+trousers, silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke
+for itself. He entered the library where his father was reading.
+The old gentleman looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he
+looked, the more disgusted he became.</p>
+<p>"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d&mdash;&mdash;
+fool!"</p>
+<p>Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the
+boy heartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you
+look exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he
+came back from school!"</p>
+<p>"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just
+telling me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a
+chicken. I wonder why?" said Jones.</p>
+<p>"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham
+and the other from eggs."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend.
+"Well, it may turn out all right, but don't you think you are
+taking chances?"</p>
+<p>"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the
+child may develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from
+my side of the house."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Ancestry.</p>
+<a name="H332" id="H332"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HEROES</h3>
+<p>THE PASSER-BY&mdash;"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy;
+you deserve a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"</p>
+<p>THE HERO&mdash;"He had my skates on!"&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MR. HENPECK&mdash;"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of
+impudence?"</p>
+<p>MR. SCRAPER&mdash;"I reckon I am."</p>
+<p>MR. HENPECK&mdash;"Shake! You're a hero."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Each man is a hero and an oracle to
+somebody.&mdash;<i>Emerson</i>.HIGH COST OF LIVING</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See</i> Cost of living.</p>
+<a name="H333" id="H333"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HINTING</h3>
+<p>Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread
+and butter, and politely said, "Thank you."</p>
+<p>"That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little
+boys say 'thank you.'"</p>
+<p>"Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again,
+you might put some jam on it."</p>
+<a name="H334" id="H334"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HOME</h3>
+<p>Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on
+your old manners.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Who hath not met with home-made bread,</p>
+<p class="i2">A heavy compound of putty and lead&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">And home-made wines that rack the head,</p>
+<p class="i2">And home-made liquors and waters?</p>
+<p class="i2">Home-made pop that will not foam,</p>
+<p class="i2">And home-made dishes that drive one from
+home&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">* * * * * *</p>
+<p class="i2">Home-made by the homely daughters.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Hood</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H335" id="H335"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HOMELINESS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Beauty, Personal.</p>
+<a name="H336" id="H336"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HOMESTEADS</h3>
+<p>"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know
+all about this law. Tell me what I am to do."</p>
+<p>"Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of
+the law, but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The
+government is willin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of
+land against fourteen dollars that you can't live on it five years
+without starving to death."&mdash;<i>Fenimore Martin</i>.</p>
+<a name="H337" id="H337"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HONESTY</h3>
+<p>"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an
+approving smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>VISITOR&mdash;"And you always did your daring robberies
+single-handed? Why didn't you have a pal?"</p>
+<p>PRISONER&mdash;"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be
+dishonest."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a
+story about honesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a
+position in a dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing,
+and references were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the
+name of a driver in the firm's employ. This driver, he thought,
+would vouch for him. A clerk sought out the driver, and asked him
+if the applicant was honest. 'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his
+honesty's been proved again and again. To my certain knowledge he's
+been arrested nine times for stealing and every time he was
+acquitted.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I
+came to measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I
+found them nearly two barrels short?"</p>
+<p>"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your
+own flour-barrels."</p>
+<p>"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a
+mistake. Let's imbibe."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot.</p>
+<p>"This game ain't on the level," protested Sagebush Sam, at the
+same time producing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That
+ain't the hand I dealt ye!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two
+dumpy little boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in
+a quarter, she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for
+that money.</p>
+<p>"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in," said the
+clerk.</p>
+<p>"Oh, no, mister," she said. "I never pay for them. I never can
+spare more than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat
+you any, mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they
+get into a seat, and don't see a single bit of it."</p>
+<p>The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two
+children to pass in.</p>
+<p>Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the
+auditorium and handed a twenty-five-cent piece to the
+ticket-seller.</p>
+<p>"What's this?" demanded the latter.</p>
+<p>"I don't know," said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman
+beckoned me clear across the house, and said one of her kids had
+waked up and was looking at the show, and that I should bring you
+that quarter."</p>
+<a name="H338" id="H338"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HONOR</h3>
+<p>In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men
+smoking and reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the
+conductor's voice cried:</p>
+<p>"All tickets, please!"</p>
+<p>Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet,
+scanned the faces of the others and said, slowly and
+impressively:</p>
+<p>"Gentlemen, I trust to your honor."</p>
+<p>And he dived under the seat and remained there in a small,
+silent knot till the conductor was safely gone.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Titles of honour add not to his worth,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who is himself an honour to his titles.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>John Ford</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H339" id="H339"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HOPE</h3>
+<p>FRED&mdash;"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your
+lover's death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone
+the same way."</p>
+<p>BEREAVED ONE&mdash;"They haven't all gone, have
+they?"&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<a name="H340" id="H340"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HORSES</h3>
+<p>A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with
+two dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency
+than a five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The
+latter took it, looked it over for a moment or so, and then
+asked:</p>
+<p>"Which horse do you want?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble
+with his horse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and
+then stop again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty
+in getting it started. Finally the traveler approached and asked,
+solicitously:</p>
+<p>"Is your horse sick?"</p>
+<p>"Not as I knows of."</p>
+<p>"Is he balky?"</p>
+<p>"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear
+me, that he stops every once in a while to listen."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A German farmer was in search of a horse.</p>
+<p>"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's
+five years old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without
+stopping."</p>
+<p>The German threw his hands skyward.</p>
+<p>"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from
+town, und mit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse
+flesh.</p>
+<p>The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of
+his master's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal
+fell ill and died.</p>
+<p>"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy
+the next morning.</p>
+<p>"I'm sorry, boss," the lad faltered.</p>
+<p>"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me
+for my horse?"</p>
+<p>"I'll make it all right, boss," said the boy soothingly. "You
+can take it out of my next Saturday's wages."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of
+town on important law business. As he had a long distance to travel
+he hired a horse from a livery stable. When a few days later he
+returned he took the horse back to the stable and asked the man who
+had given it to him: "Keep this horse for funerals?"</p>
+<p>"No, indeed," answered the man indignantly.</p>
+<p>"Glad to hear it," said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse
+wouldn't get there in time for the resurrection."</p>
+<a name="H341" id="H341"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HOSPITALITY</h3>
+<p>Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler
+dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one
+farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one
+came to the door.</p>
+<p>As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled
+down his collar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel
+the stream of water coursing down his back. Another spell of
+pounding, and finally the red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out
+of the second story window.</p>
+<p>"Watcher want?" it asked.</p>
+<p>"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler
+answered testily.</p>
+<p>The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before
+answering.</p>
+<p>"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the
+window.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The old friends had had three days together.</p>
+<p>"You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the
+morning of his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet."</p>
+<p>"Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the host
+comfortably. "I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you
+come again."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading
+aloud to him when a caller came. In a few minutes his mother was
+called to the telephone. The boy turned to the caller and said "Now
+you beat it home." Ollie James, the famous Kentucky Congressman and
+raconteur, hails from a little town in the western part of the
+state, but his patriotism is state-wide, and when Louisville made a
+bid for the last Democratic national convention she had no more
+enthusiastic supporter than James. A Denver supporter was
+protesting.</p>
+<p>"Why, you know, Colonel," said he, "Louisville couldn't take
+care of the crowds. Even by putting cots in the halls, parlors, and
+the dining-rooms of the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough."</p>
+<p>"Beds!" echoed the genial Congressman, "why, sir, Louisville
+would make her visitors have such a thundering good time that no
+gentleman would think of going to bed!"</p>
+<a name="H342" id="H342"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HOSTS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I thank you for your welcome which was cordial,</p>
+<p class="i2">And your cordial which was welcome.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the host and the hostess,</p>
+<p class="i4">We're honored to be here tonight;</p>
+<p class="i2">May they both live long and prosper,</p>
+<p class="i4">May their star of hope ever be bright.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H343" id="H343"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HOTELS</h3>
+<p>In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders
+taken by the day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will
+be taken by the neck."&mdash;<i>Country Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H344" id="H344"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HUNGER</h3>
+<p>A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His
+sleigh was pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a
+dozen famished wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the
+others stopped to devour it. But they soon caught up with him, and
+he shot another, which was in turn devoured. This was repeated
+until the last famished wolf was almost upon him with yearning
+jaws, when&mdash;</p>
+<p>"Say, partner," broke in one of the listeners, "according to
+your reckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other
+'leven inside of him."</p>
+<p>"Well, come to think it over," said the story teller, "maybe he
+wasn't so darned famished after all."</p>
+<a name="H345" id="H345"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HUNTING</h3>
+<p>A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's
+snipe-shooting" in the country. The invitation was accepted, and
+host and guest shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of
+game.</p>
+<p>After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the
+visitor's first barrell.</p>
+<p>The host's face fell also.</p>
+<p>"We may as well return," he remarked, gloomily, "for that was
+the only snipe in the neighborhood."</p>
+<p>The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six
+weeks.</p>
+<a name="H346" id="H346"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HURRY</h3>
+<p>See Haste.</p>
+<a name="H347" id="H347"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HUSBANDS</h3>
+<p>"Is she making him a good wife?"</p>
+<p>"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial
+town, but unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were
+equally divided between them. The wife decided to continue business
+as an exhibitor at the old address, but the husband went on a
+tour.</p>
+<p>After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a
+reconciliation took place, as the result of which they became
+business partners once more. A few mornings afterward the people of
+the neighborhood were sent into fits of laughter on reading the
+following notice in the papers:</p>
+<p>"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been
+permanently increased."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country
+with a number of his colleagues was dining at an American house and
+telling how much he had enjoyed various phases of his visit.</p>
+<p>"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him.</p>
+<p>"Ach, dhey are woonderful," the German gentleman replied; "so
+swift, so safe chenerally&mdash;und such luxury in all dhe
+furnishings und opp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one
+thing&mdash;our wives do not like dhe upper berths."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington
+were one night speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage,
+took up his residence in another city. One of the grouches had
+recently visited the old friend, and, naturally, the other grouch
+wanted news of the Benedict.</p>
+<p>"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch.</p>
+<p>"I wouldn't say just that," grimly responded the first grouch,
+"but I'll tell you of a little incident in their household that
+came within my observation. The very first morning I spent with
+them, our old friend answered the letter carrier's whistle. As he
+returned to us, in the breakfast room, he carried a letter in his
+hand. Turning to his wife, he said:</p>
+<p>"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"&mdash;<i>Edwin
+Tarrisse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.</p>
+<p>"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with
+muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be
+fed."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>NEIGHBOR&mdash;"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the
+hangels now?"</p>
+<p>LONG-SUFFERING WIDOW&mdash;"Not 'im. 'Ittin' the hangels wiv the
+'arp's nearer 'is mark!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to
+another during a talk.</p>
+<p>"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply.</p>
+<p>"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a
+husband&mdash;you're a habit."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MR. HENPECK&mdash;"Is my wife going out, Jane?"</p>
+<p>JANE&mdash;"Yessir."</p>
+<p>MR. HENPECK&mdash;"Do you know if I am going with her?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of
+wedlock, and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little
+children, had an amusing old colored woman for a cook.</p>
+<p>One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for
+the mistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo'
+husband send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"</p>
+<p>"Certainly, my husband, Mammy," proudly answered the lady.</p>
+<p>"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out
+well."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a
+letter to his wife, in the office. As a result, the signature
+read:</p>
+<p class="author">Your loving husband,<br />
+HOPKINS BROS.</p>
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Winifred C. Bristol</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she
+had helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married
+again.</p>
+<p>"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months
+after her marriage.</p>
+<p>"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered.</p>
+<p>"And is your husband a good provider?"</p>
+<p>"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic
+reply. "Why, jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash
+at."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do."</p>
+<p>"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"</p>
+<p>"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his
+wife."&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party."
+Every guest was to bring something that she could not find any use
+for, and yet too good to throw away. The party would have been a
+great success but for the unlooked-for development which broke it
+up. Eleven of the nineteen women brought their husbands.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A very man&mdash;not one of nature's clods&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">With human failings, whether saint or sinner:</p>
+<p class="i2">Endowed perhaps with genius from the gods</p>
+<p class="i4">But apt to take his temper from his dinner.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>J. G. Saxe</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an
+umbrella like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she
+might put out the eye of the man behind her.</p>
+<p>"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>OLD MONEY (dying)&mdash;"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you
+sometimes, dear."</p>
+<p>YOUNG WIFE&mdash;"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always
+remember how very kind you were when you left me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his
+late hours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in
+the following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:</p>
+<p>"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my
+clothes in the hall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip
+into bed with the ease of experience.</p>
+<p>"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on
+jumping in the bed with us. So when I began to slide under the
+covers she stirred in her sleep and pushed me on the head.</p>
+<p>"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said.</p>
+<p>"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick
+her hand, and she dozed off again!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MR. HOMEBODY&mdash;"I see you keep copies of all the letters you
+write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeating yourself?"</p>
+<p>MR. FARAWAY&mdash;"No. To avoid contradicting myself."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There is gladness in his gladness, when he's
+glad,</p>
+<p class="i2">There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad;</p>
+<p class="i2">But the gladness in his gladness,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor the sadness in his sadness,</p>
+<p class="i2">Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Cowards; Domestic finance.</p>
+<a name="H348" id="H348"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HYBRIDIZATION</h3>
+<p>We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the
+Connecticut Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew
+barber poles. Now we rank that gentleman second. First place goes
+to an experimenter attached to the Berlin War Office, who has
+crossed carrier pigeons with parrots, so that Wilhelmstrasse can
+now get verbal messages through the enemy's lines.&mdash;<i>Warwick
+James Price</i>.</p>
+<a name="H349" id="H349"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HYPERBOLE</h3>
+<p>"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had
+had their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they
+used to out in my part of the country. The first season I planted
+'em I thought my fortune was sure made. However, I didn't harvest
+one."</p>
+<p>He waited for queries, but his friends knew him, and he was
+forced to continue unurged:</p>
+<p>"The vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin'
+'em 'round. However, the second year my two little boys made up
+their minds to get a taste of one anyhow, so they took turns,
+carryin' one along with the vine and&mdash;"</p>
+<p>But his companions had already started toward the barroom
+door.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>News comes from Southern Kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk
+to see how the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing
+faster than the boy can climb down. The boy is clear out of sight.
+Three men have taken the contract for cutting down the stalk with
+axes to save the boy a horrible death by starving, but the stalk
+grows so rapidly that they can't hit twice in the same place. The
+boy is living on green corn alone and has already thrown down over
+four bushels of cobs. Even if the corn holds out there is still
+danger that the boy will reach a height where he will be frozen to
+death. There is some talk of attempting his rescue with a
+balloon.&mdash;<i>Topeka Capital</i>.</p>
+<a name="H350" id="H350"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>HYPOCRISY</h3>
+<p>Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"</p>
+<p>TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his
+face."&mdash;<i>Graham Charteris</i>.</p>
+<a name="H351" id="H351"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>IDEALS</h3>
+<p>The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs
+troubled little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration.
+Johnny's father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was
+surprised at seeing an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with
+this injunction chalked above it:</p>
+<p>"Keep your eye on this and do your best."</p>
+<a name="H352" id="H352"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS</h3>
+<p>A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him
+on the back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can
+run along and write your folks that you'll be back home in two
+weeks as good as new."</p>
+<p>The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it
+finished and sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped
+through his fingers to the floor, lighted on the back of a
+cockroach that was passing, and stuck. The patient hadn't seen the
+cockroach&mdash;what he did see was his escaped postage stamp
+zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to the baseboard, wavering
+up over the baseboard, and following a crooked track up the wall
+and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the letter
+he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor.</p>
+<p>"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three
+years."</p>
+<a name="H353" id="H353"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>IMAGINATION</h3>
+<p>One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little
+boy about their respective ages.</p>
+<p>"I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first,
+in May, and your's don't come till September."</p>
+<p>"Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted,
+"but that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the
+angels when they were making you."</p>
+<p>The mother instantly summoned her daughter. "It's breaking
+mother's heart to hear you tell such awful stories," she said.
+"Don't you remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying. I saw
+them carried into the corner drug store!"</p>
+<a name="H354" id="H354"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>IMITATION</h3>
+<p>Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air
+performance of <i>As You Like It</i> near Boston. The garden
+wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick
+edifice.</p>
+<p>One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the
+building exclaimed with the utmost gravity:</p>
+<p>"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick."</p>
+<a name="H355" id="H355"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>INFANTS</h3>
+<p>A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to
+let you have the baby half the time."</p>
+<p>"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"</p>
+<p>"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Is the baby strong?"</p>
+<p>"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"</p>
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+<p>"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"&mdash;<i>Comic
+Cuts</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Recipe for a baby:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly
+milk,</p>
+<p class="i4">Smother with a pillow any sneeze;</p>
+<p class="i2">Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its
+back&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">"Don't forget that you were one of these."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H356" id="H356"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>INQUISITIVENESS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Wives.</p>
+<a name="H357" id="H357"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>INSANITY</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Editors; Love.</p>
+<a name="H358" id="H358"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>INSPIRATIONS</h3>
+<p>She was from Boston, and he was not.</p>
+<p>He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he
+knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less.</p>
+<p>Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read
+'Romeo and Juliet?'"</p>
+<p>He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a
+brilliant thought, blurted out, happily:</p>
+<p>"I've&mdash;I've read Romeo!"</p>
+<a name="H359" id="H359"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>INSTALMENT PLAN</h3>
+<p>Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is
+paying instalments on.</p>
+<a name="H360" id="H360"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>INSTRUCTIONS</h3>
+<p>A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a
+sleeping-car in the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric
+old man clambered up the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for
+a moment, and then turned to the young man in uniform.</p>
+<p>"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want
+to be well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir, but&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train
+boys away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an
+extra blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide
+him into another. I want you to&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"But, say, boss, I&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the
+talking myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want
+to get the good of it. Not a word, sir."</p>
+<p>The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin
+and swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted.
+"You can do the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you
+wouldn't let me tell you&mdash;but I ain't going out on that
+train."</p>
+<a name="H361" id="H361"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>INSURANCE, LIFE</h3>
+<p>A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the
+other day.</p>
+<p>"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.</p>
+<p>"No," said the man.</p>
+<p>"Do you motor?"</p>
+<p>"No."</p>
+<p>"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"</p>
+<p>"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no
+dangerous&mdash;"</p>
+<p>But the agent interrupted him curtly.</p>
+<p>"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure
+pedestrians."</p>
+<a name="H362" id="H362"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>INSURANCE BLANKS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Irish bulls.</p>
+<a name="H363" id="H363"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>INSURGENTS</h3>
+<p>"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do
+you call that kind of cucumber?"</p>
+<p>"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber.
+It doesn't always agree with a party."</p>
+<a name="H364" id="H364"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>INTERVIEWS</h3>
+<p>"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"</p>
+<p>"No," replied Senator Soghum.</p>
+<p>"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"</p>
+<p>"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews."</p>
+<a name="H365" id="H365"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>INVITATIONS</h3>
+<p>"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to
+the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am
+quite sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little
+doubt as to the attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as
+follows:</p>
+<p>"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and
+Miss Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother.
+All who cannot come may send."&mdash;<i>Howard Morse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the
+street.</p>
+<p>"Come and dine with us tonight," the mandarin said
+graciously.</p>
+<p>"Thank you," said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow
+night do just as well?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the
+mandarin curiously.</p>
+<p>"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to
+give me tonight's invitation."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MARION (just from the telephone)&mdash;"He wanted to know if we
+would go to the theater with him, and I said we would."</p>
+<p>MADELINE&mdash;"Who was speaking?"</p>
+<p>MARION&mdash;"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother
+consented, provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had
+had trouble, but, rather than not have the party, Willie promised
+his mother to invite Tommy.</p>
+<p>On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had
+arrived except Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her
+son.</p>
+<p>"Willie," she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party
+tonight?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, Mother."</p>
+<p>"And did he say he would not come?"</p>
+<p>"No," explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared
+him to come."</p>
+<a name="H366" id="H366"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>IRISH BULLS</h3>
+<p>Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in
+marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his
+companion, asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said
+Mike, "when he says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the
+ground to the side av the foot that's in the air, an' remain
+motionless."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse
+John's absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the
+mud. By doing the same you will greatly oblige his mother."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its
+legs rather freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the
+stirrup, when the Irishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if
+you're goin' to git on I'll git off."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"The doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope,
+but if 'e don't, the doctor says 'e give 'im up."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>For rent&mdash;A room for a gentleman with all conveniences.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives
+telegraphed him: "Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your
+lordship will pay her funeral expenses."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges
+idle, said sharply: "John, the devil always finds something for
+idle hands to do. Come up here and let me give you some work."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the
+classroom one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet
+in the aisle and chewing gum.</p>
+<p>"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of
+your mouth and put your feet in."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MAGISTRATE&mdash;"You admit you stole the pig?"</p>
+<p>PRISONER&mdash;"I 'ave to."</p>
+<p>MAGISTRATE&mdash;"Very well, then. There has been a lot of
+pig-stealing going on lately, and I am going to make an example of
+you, or none of us will be safe."&mdash;<i>M.L. Hayward</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent,
+"Gideon did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw
+themselves down to drink; but he took those who watched with one
+eye and drank with the other."&mdash;<i>Joe King</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder."</p>
+<p>"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"</p>
+<p>"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into
+it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton
+procession from Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was
+jerked down by a policeman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and
+being removed from that vantage point, climbed the railing of Li
+Hung Chang's gingko-tree. Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't
+look at annything frum where ye can see it frum."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MRS. JENKINS&mdash;"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I
+have bought a house next you, with a water frontage."</p>
+<p>MRS. SMITH&mdash;"So glad! I hope you will drop in some
+time."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was
+posted:</p>
+<p>"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen
+are requested to make use of them only after the former are
+seated."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in
+two places at the same time, barring he is a bird."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in
+speech, remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson.
+"I don't know why it is&mdash;every time I get up to speak, some
+fool talks." Then he wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of
+laughter.&mdash;<i>Grub S. Arts</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being
+tried for an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery
+on his side, and the men and women began to express their
+admiration by stamping, not loudly, but like muffled drums. A big
+policeman came up to the gallery, scowled at the disturbers then,
+when that had no effect, called out in a stage whisper:</p>
+<p>"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer
+feet!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up
+are often more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical
+Journal shows in the following excellent selection of examples:</p>
+<p>Mother died in infancy.</p>
+<p>Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up
+dead.</p>
+<p>Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she
+bade fair to reach a ripe old age.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity,
+except that they died at an advanced age.</p>
+<p>Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that
+she fully recovered from her last illness.</p>
+<p>Applicant has never been fatally sick.</p>
+<p>Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere
+child.</p>
+<p>Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but
+she was cured before death.</p>
+<a name="H367" id="H367"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>IRISHMEN</h3>
+<p>A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he
+runs a brick-yard.&mdash;<i>Chicago Tribune</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New
+England preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen
+hundred&mdash;a spark of humor struck from flint. "These Irish,
+anciently called 'Anthropophagi,' man-eaters, have a tradition
+among them that when the devil showed Our Savior all the kingdoms
+of the earth and their glory, he would not show Him Ireland, but
+reserved it for himself; it is probably true, for he hath kept it
+ever since for his own peculiar."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons
+and invited his caller to take a look at them.</p>
+<p>"Ain't they fine boys?" inquired the father.</p>
+<p>"They are," agreed the visitor.</p>
+<p>"The finest in the world!" exclaimed the father. "An' I nivver
+laid violent hands on any one of 'em except in
+silf-difince."&mdash;<i>Popular Magazine</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Fighting; Irish bulls.</p>
+<a name="H368" id="H368"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>IRREVERENCE</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There were three young women of Birmingham,</p>
+<p class="i2">And I know a sad story concerning 'em:</p>
+<p class="i4">They stuck needles and pins</p>
+<p class="i4">In the reverend shins</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new novel by Gertrude
+Atherton. After reading the review Mrs. Atherton wrote to Mr. James
+as follows:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of
+my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or
+not?"</p>
+<p>Sincerely,<br />
+"GERTRUDE ATHERTON."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<a name="H369" id="H369"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>JEWELS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The girl with the ruby lips we like,</p>
+<p class="i4">The lass with teeth of pearl,</p>
+<p class="i2">The maid with the eyes like diamonds,</p>
+<p class="i4">The cheek-like-coral girl;</p>
+<p class="i2">The girl with the alabaster brow,</p>
+<p class="i4">The lass from the Emerald Isle.</p>
+<p class="i2">All these we like, but not the jade</p>
+<p class="i4">With the sardonyx smile.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H370" id="H370"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>JEWS</h3>
+<p>What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin
+the banana.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite
+evidently a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered
+inquisitively at the little oily Jew who occupied the other half of
+the car seat with him.</p>
+<p>The little Jew looked at him deprecatingly. "Nice day," he began
+politely.</p>
+<p>"You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the Yankee.</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman," handing him a card.</p>
+<p>"But you're a Jew?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, yes, I'm a Jew," came the answer.</p>
+<p>"Well," continued the Yankee, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little
+village in Maine where I come from I'm proud to say there ain't a
+Jew."</p>
+<p>"Dot's why it's a village," replied the little Jew quietly.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One
+said Stephenson, who invented the locomotive. Another declared it
+was the man who invented the compass. Another contended for Edison.
+Still another for the Wrights,</p>
+<p>Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained
+silent:</p>
+<p>"Who do you think?"</p>
+<p>"Vell," he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented
+interest was no slouch."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a
+famous specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty
+people in the waiting-room.</p>
+<p>After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and
+whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor,
+ain't he?"</p>
+<p>"One of the best," the gentleman told him.</p>
+<p>Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.</p>
+<p>"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive,
+then, ain't he? Vat does he charge?"</p>
+<p>The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered
+rather shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and
+twenty-five dollars for each visit thereafter."</p>
+<p>"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky&mdash;"Fifty tollars the first time
+und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"</p>
+<p>For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to
+wait. "Und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards," he kept
+muttering. Finally, just as he was called into the office, he was
+seized with a brilliant inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor
+with outstretched hands.</p>
+<p>"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am
+<i>again</i>."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Jews are among the aristocracy of every land; if a
+literature is called rich in the possession of a few classic
+tragedies what shall we say to a national tragedy lasting for
+fifteen hundred years, in which the poets and the actors were also
+the heroes.&mdash;<i>George Eliot</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Failures; Fires.</p>
+<a name="H371" id="H371"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>JOKES</h3>
+<p>A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and
+different in that the joke can be cracked again.&mdash;<i>William
+J. Burtscher</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>JOKELY&mdash;"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent
+them out last week."</p>
+<p>BOGGS&mdash;"What luck did you have with them?"</p>
+<p>JOKELY&mdash;"Oh, they all came flying back."&mdash;<i>Will S.
+Gidley</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"I ne'er forget a joke I have</p>
+<p class="i4">Once heard!" Augustus cried.</p>
+<p class="i2">"And neither do you let your friends</p>
+<p class="i4">Forget it!" Jane replied.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Childe Harold</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the
+noon hour, sleeping in the hot sun. The clock struck one, the time
+to pick up his hod again. He rose, stretched, and grumbled: "I wish
+I wuz daid. 'Tain' nothin' but wuk, wuk from mawnin' tell
+night."</p>
+<p>Another negro, a story above, heard the complaint and dropped a
+brick on the grumbler's head.</p>
+<p>Dazed he looked up and said:</p>
+<p>"De Lawd can' stan' no jokes. He jes' takes ev'ything in
+yearnist."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The late H.C. Bunner, when editor of <i>Puck</i>, once received
+a letter accompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the
+writer asked: "What will you give me for these?"</p>
+<p>"Ten yards start," was Bunner's generous offer, written beneath
+the query.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>NEW CONGRESSMAN&mdash;"What can I do for you, sir?"</p>
+<p>SALESMAN (of Statesmen's Anecdote Manufacturing
+Company)&mdash;"I shall be delighted if you'll place an order for a
+dozen of real, live, snappy, humorous anecdotes as told by
+yourself, sir."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years
+ago from Egypt, Babylon and Assyria, and have since then grown and
+multiplied. They are in extensive use in all parts of the country
+and as an antidote for thought are indispensable at all dinner
+parties.</p>
+<p>There were originally twenty-five jokes, but when this country
+was formed they added a constitution, which increased the number to
+twenty-six. These jokes have married and inter-married among
+themselves and their children travel from press to press.</p>
+<p>Frequently in one week a joke will travel from New York to San
+Francisco.</p>
+<p>The joke is no respecter of persons. Shameless and unconcerned,
+he tells the story of his life over and over again. Outside of the
+ballot-box he is the greatest repeater that we have.</p>
+<p>Jokes are of three kinds&mdash;plain, illustrated and pointless.
+Frequently they are all three.</p>
+<p>No joke is without honor, except in its own country. Jokes form
+one of our staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and
+day to turn out the often neatly finished product. The importation
+of jokes while considerable is not as great as it might be, as the
+flavor is lost in transit.</p>
+<p>Jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic. As
+scenebreakers they have no equal.&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the joke, the good old joke,</p>
+<p class="i4">The joke that our fathers told;</p>
+<p class="i2">It is ready tonight and is jolly and bright</p>
+<p class="i4">As it was in the days of old.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">When Adam was young it was on his tongue,</p>
+<p class="i4">And Noah got in the swim</p>
+<p class="i2">By telling the jest as the brightest and best</p>
+<p class="i4">That ever happened to him.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">So here's to the joke, the good old joke&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">We'll hear it again tonight.</p>
+<p class="i2">It's health we will quaff; that will help us to
+laugh,</p>
+<p class="i4">And to treat it in manner polite.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Lew Dockstader</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A jest's prosperity lies in the ear</p>
+<p class="i2">Of him that hears it, never in the tongue</p>
+<p class="i2">Of him that makes it.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<br />
+<h3>JOURNALISM</h3>
+<p>A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy.
+Turning to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the
+little pate, "this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh,"
+cried the untutored old aunty, soothingly, "never you mind 'bout
+dat; dat'll come right in time."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>John R. McLean, owner of the Cincinnati <i>Enquirer</i> and the
+Washington <i>Post</i>, tells this story of the days when he was
+actively in charge of the Cincinnati newspaper: An <i>Enquirer</i>
+reporter was sent to a town in southwestern Ohio to get the story
+of a woman evangelist who had been greatly talked about. The
+reporter attended one of her meetings and occupied a front seat.
+When those who wished to be saved were asked to arise, he kept his
+seat and used his notebook. The evangelist approached, and, taking
+him by the hand, said, "Come to Jesus."</p>
+<p>"Madam," said the newspaper man, "I'm here solely on
+business&mdash;to report your work."</p>
+<p>"Brother," said she, "there is no business so important as
+God's."</p>
+<p>"Well, may be not," said the reporter; "but you don't know John
+R. McLean."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A newspaper man named Fling</p>
+<p class="i2">Could make "copy" from any old thing.</p>
+<p class="i4">But the copy he wrote</p>
+<p class="i4">Of a five dollar note</p>
+<p class="i2">Was so good he is now in Sing Sing.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Columbia Jester</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Come in," called the magazine editor.</p>
+<p>"Sir, I have called to see about that article of mine that you
+bought two years ago. My name is Pensnink&mdash;Percival Perrhyn
+Pensnink. My composition was called 'The Behavior of Chipmunks in
+Thunderstorms,' and I should like to know how much longer I must
+watch and wait before I shall see it in print."</p>
+<p>"I remember," the editor replied. "We are saving your little
+essay to use at the time of your death. When public attention is
+drawn to an author we like to have something of his on hand."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Hear, land o' cakes, and brither Scots,</p>
+<p class="i2">Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat's;</p>
+<p class="i2">If there's a hole in a' your coats,</p>
+<p class="i2">I rede you tent it:</p>
+<p class="i2">A chiel's amang you taking notes,</p>
+<p class="i2">And, faith, he'll prent it.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Burns</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Newspapers.</p>
+<a name="H372" id="H372"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>JUDGES</h3>
+<p>A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only
+Irish. An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said
+something to the interpreter.</p>
+<p>"What does he say?" demanded his lordship.</p>
+<p>"Nothing, my lord," was the reply.</p>
+<p>"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what
+was it?"</p>
+<p>"My lord," said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had
+nothing to do with the case."</p>
+<p>"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge.
+"Now, what did he say?"</p>
+<p>"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old
+woman with the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?"</p>
+<p>At which the court roared.</p>
+<p>"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little
+uncomfortable.</p>
+<p>"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going
+to hang you."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a
+charge of stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him,
+the judge asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the
+coop was so near the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in
+the yard.</p>
+<p>"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge," answered the darky, "to try
+to 'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like
+as not yo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken,
+nuther. Ef yo' wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better
+stick to de bench whar yo' am familiar."&mdash;<i>Mrs. L.F.
+Clarke</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer
+wisely, to consider soberly, and to decide
+impartially.&mdash;<i>Socrates</i>.</p>
+<a name="H373" id="H373"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>JUDGMENT</h3>
+<p>HUSBAND&mdash;"But you must admit that men have better judgment
+than women."</p>
+<p>WIFE&mdash;"Oh, yes&mdash;you married me, and I
+you."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H374" id="H374"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>JURY</h3>
+<p>In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court
+say, "Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was
+convulsed with laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the
+dock.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman
+to whom the thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed,
+and wore an air of a man determined not to "get the worst of
+it."</p>
+<p>"Prisoner at the bar," called out the clerk, "do you wish to
+challenge any of the jury?"</p>
+<p>The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully.</p>
+<p>"Well, I tell ye," he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in
+trainin', but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot
+fat old boy in th' corner."</p>
+<h3>JUSTICE</h3>
+<p>There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our
+side.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an
+hour ago!"</p>
+<p>"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped
+me too hard, so I thought I'd just even up."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">One man's word is no man's word,</p>
+<p class="i2">Justice is that both be heard.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he
+decide justly cannot be considered just.&mdash;<i>Seneca</i>.</p>
+<a name="H375" id="H375"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>JUVENILE DELINQUENCY</h3>
+<p>A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a
+department-store. A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned,
+and wheeled it to the station. As he passed down the street a gamin
+yelled: "What's the kid done?"</p>
+<a name="H376" id="H376"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>KENTUCKY</h3>
+<p>Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws.</p>
+<a name="H377" id="H377"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>KINDNESS</h3>
+<p>Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at
+home.&mdash;<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of
+lunch, to see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was
+carrying it. As they crossed a street, the husband held out his
+hand and said, "Gimme that basket, Hannah."</p>
+<p>The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful
+look.</p>
+<p>"That's real kind o' ye, Joshua," she quavered.</p>
+<p>"Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap,
+stood directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car
+started she lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod
+heavily on his toes.</p>
+<p>As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her
+his seat.</p>
+<p>"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.</p>
+<p>"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply
+self-defense."</p>
+<a name="H378" id="H378"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>KINGS AND RULERS</h3>
+<p>"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and
+dancing to my accomplishments."</p>
+<p>"Aren't they rather light?"</p>
+<p>"They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a
+revolution occurs and I have to go into vaudeville."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The present King George in his younger days visited Canada in
+company with the Duke of Clarence. One night at a ball in Quebec,
+given in honor of the two royalties, the younger Prince devoted his
+time exclusively to the young ladies, paying little or no attention
+to the elderly ones and chaperons.</p>
+<p>His brother reprimanded him, pointing out to him his social
+position and his duty as well.</p>
+<p>"That's all right," said the young Prince. "There are two of us.
+You go and sing God save your Grandmother, while I dance with the
+girls."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">And so we sing, "Long live the King;</p>
+<p class="i2">Long live the Queen and Jack;</p>
+<p class="i2">Long live the Ten-spot and the Ace,</p>
+<p class="i2">And also all the pack."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Eugene Field</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FIRST EUROPEAN SOCIETY LADY&mdash;"Wouldn't you like to be
+presented to our sovereign?"</p>
+<p>SECOND E.S.L.&mdash;"No. Simply because I have to be governed by
+a man is no reason why I should condescend to meet him
+socially."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General
+Von Meerscheidt for some small lapses.</p>
+<p>"If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please
+permit me to resign," said the General.</p>
+<p>"No; you are too young to resign," said the Kaiser.</p>
+<p>In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw
+the old General talking to some young ladies, and he said:</p>
+<p>"General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament
+will vanish."</p>
+<p>"Excuse me, your Majesty," replied the General. "It would kill
+me to have both a young wife and a young Emperor."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>During the war of 1812, a dinner was given in Canada, at which
+both American and British officers were present. One of the latter
+offered the toast: "To President Madison, dead or alive!"</p>
+<p>An American offered the response: "To the Prince Regent, drunk
+or sober!"&mdash;<i>Mrs. Gouverneur</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A lady of Queen Victoria's court once asked her if she did not
+think that one of the satisfactions of the future life would be the
+meeting with the notable figures of the past, such as Abraham,
+Isaac and King David. After a moment's silence, with perfect
+dignity and decision the great Queen made answer: "I will
+<i>not</i> meet David!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Ten poor men sleep in peace on one straw heap, as
+Saadi sings,</p>
+<p class="i2">But the immensest empire is too narrow for two
+kings.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>William R. Alger</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here lies our sovereign lord, the king,</p>
+<p class="i4">Whose word no man relies on,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who never said a foolish thing,</p>
+<p class="i4">And never did a wise one.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Said by a courtier of Charles, II. To which the King replied,
+"That is very true, for my words are my own. My actions are my
+minister's."</p>
+<a name="H379" id="H379"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>KISSES</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to a kiss:</p>
+<p class="i2">Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score,</p>
+<p class="i2">Then to that twenty add a hundred more;</p>
+<p class="i2">A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on,</p>
+<p class="i2">To make that thousand quite a million,</p>
+<p class="i2">Treble that million, and when that is done</p>
+<p class="i2">Let's kiss afresh as though we'd just begun.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"If I should kiss you I suppose you'd go and tell your
+mother."</p>
+<p>"No; my lawyer."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What is he so angry with you for?"</p>
+<p>"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were
+talking just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he
+flared up and tried to kick me."</p>
+<p>"And what were you talking about?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always
+kiss my wife three or four times every day.'"</p>
+<p>"And what did you say?"</p>
+<p>"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then
+he had a fit."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was an old maiden from Fife,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who had never been kissed in her life;</p>
+<p class="i4">Along came a cat;</p>
+<p class="i4">And she said, "I'll kiss that!"</p>
+<p class="i2">But the cat answered, "Not on your life!"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the red of the holly berry,</p>
+<p class="i4">And to its leaf so green;</p>
+<p class="i2">And here's to the lips that are just as red,</p>
+<p class="i4">And the fellow who's not so green.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young sailor of Lyd,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who loved a fair Japanese kid;</p>
+<p class="i4">When it came to good-bye,</p>
+<p class="i4">They were eager but shy,</p>
+<p class="i2">So they put up a sunshade and&mdash;did.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There once was a maiden of Siam,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who said to her lover, young Kiam,</p>
+<p class="i4">"If you kiss me, of course</p>
+<p class="i4">You will have to use force,</p>
+<p class="i2">But God knows you're stronger than I am."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented
+kissing.&mdash;<i>Swift</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Courtship; Servants.</p>
+<a name="H380" id="H380"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>KNOWLEDGE</h3>
+<p>A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man
+amusing a crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled
+up and said: "My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that
+way? I can't teach mine a single trick."</p>
+<p>The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well,
+you see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you
+can't learn him nothin'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>With knowledge and love the world is made.&mdash;<i>Anatole
+France</i>.</p>
+<a name="H381" id="H381"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>KULTUR</h3>
+<p>HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)&mdash;"I think you
+iss a stupid fool!"</p>
+<p>MONSIEUR&mdash;"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible,
+is it, we both mistaken."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H382" id="H382"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES</h3>
+<p>A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally
+asked Si Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help
+him out.</p>
+<p>"What'll ye pay?" asked Si.</p>
+<p>"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer.</p>
+<p>Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:</p>
+<p>"I'll be <i>durned</i> if I'll work for that!"</p>
+<a name="H383" id="H383"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LADIES</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Etiquet; Woman.</p>
+<a name="H384" id="H384"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LANDLORDS</h3>
+<p>An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had
+pointed out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap
+to him.</p>
+<p>"Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of
+property in this district!"</p>
+<p>"He has, sir," replied the guide, "but, sure, he's like all the
+landlords&mdash;he lives in England!"</p>
+<a name="H385" id="H385"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LANGUAGES</h3>
+<p>George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient,
+and his companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old
+Arab. Ade's friend complained to him afterward that although he had
+spent years in studying Arabic in preparation for this trip he
+could not understand a word that the native said.</p>
+<p>"Never mind," replied Ade consolingly. "You see, the old duffer
+hasn't a tooth in his head, and he was only talking
+gum-Arabic."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct
+his daughters in the different languages.</p>
+<p>"No, sir," he said; "one tongue is sufficient for any
+woman."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Prince Bismarck was once pressed by a certain American official
+to recommend his son for a diplomatic post. "He is a very
+remarkable fellow," said the proud father; "he speaks seven
+languages."</p>
+<p>"Indeed!" said Bismarck, who did not hold a very high opinion of
+linguistic acquirements. "What a wonderful headwaiter he would
+make!"</p>
+<a name="H386" id="H386"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LAUGHTER</h3>
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the
+schoolroom."</p>
+<p>FREDDIE&mdash;"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the
+smile busted."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Laugh and the world laughs with you,</p>
+<p class="i2">Weep, and the laugh's on you.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>About the best and finest thing in this world is
+laughter.&mdash;<i>Anna Alice Chapin</i>.</p>
+<a name="H387" id="H387"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LAW</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Punishment.</p>
+<a name="H388" id="H388"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LAWYERS</h3>
+<p>Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from
+collecting his bill.&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and
+on seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep
+into his trousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly
+inquired of those present:</p>
+<p>"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a
+professional humorist should be funny?"</p>
+<p>When the laugh had subsided, Ade drawled out:</p>
+<p>"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer
+should have his hands in his own pockets?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man was charged with stealing a horse, and after a long trial
+the jury acquitted him. Later in the day the man came back and
+asked the judge for a warrant against the lawyer who had
+successfully defended him.</p>
+<p>"What's the charge?" inquired the judge.</p>
+<p>"Why, Your Honor," replied the man, "you see, I didn't have the
+money to pay him his fee, so he took the horse I
+stole."&mdash;<i>J.J. O'Connell</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An elderly darky in Georgia, charged with the theft of some
+chickens, had the misfortune to be defended by a young and
+inexperienced attorney, although it is doubtful whether anyone
+could have secured his acquittal, the commission of the crime
+having been proved beyond all doubt.</p>
+<p>The darky received a pretty severe sentence. "Thank you, sah,"
+said he cheerfully, addressing the judge when the sentence had been
+pronounced. "Dat's mighty hard, sah, but it ain't anywhere what I
+'spected. I thought, sah, dat between my character and dat speech
+of my lawyer dat you'd hang me, shore!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"You have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of
+this morning, haven't you?" remarked the friend of a magistrate,
+who had dropped in at the police court.</p>
+<p>"Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice, "you are looking at
+the wrong bunch. Those are the lawyers."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his
+pal emerged from the window.</p>
+<p>"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer," replied the other in
+disgust.</p>
+<p>"Dat's hard luck," said the first; "did youse lose
+anyt'ing?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The dean of the Law Department was very busy and rather cross.
+The telephone rang.</p>
+<p>"Well, what is it?" he snapped.</p>
+<p>"Is that the city gas-works?" said a woman's soft voice.</p>
+<p>"No, madam," roared the dean; "this is the University Law
+Department."</p>
+<p>"Ah," she answered in the sweetest of tones, "I didn't miss it
+so far, after all, did I?"&mdash;<i>Carl Holliday</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A lawyer cross-examining a witness, asked him where he was on a
+particular day; to which he replied that he had been in the company
+of two friends. "Friends.'" exclaimed his tormentor; "two thieves,
+I suppose." "They may be so," replied the witness, dryly, "for they
+are both lawyers."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An impecunious young lawyer recently received the following
+letter from a tailor to whom he was indebted:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Dear Sir: Kindly advise me by return mail when I may expect a
+remittance from you in settlement of my account.</p>
+<p class="author">Yours truly,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<br />
+J. SNIPPEN."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The follower of Blackstone immediately replied:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Dear Sir: I have your request for advice of a recent date, and
+beg leave to say that not having received any retainer from you I
+cannot act in the premises. Upon receipt of your check for $250 I
+shall be very glad to look the matter up for you and to acquaint
+you with the results of my investigations.</p>
+<p>I am, sir, with great respect, your most obedient servant,</p>
+<p class="author">BARCLAY B. COKE."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court, but
+was not represented by a lawyer.</p>
+<p>"Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided.</p>
+<p>"I have none, sir," replied the prisoner.</p>
+<p>"Why not?" queried the judge.</p>
+<p>"Because I have no money to pay one."</p>
+<p>"Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge.</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir."</p>
+<p>"Well, there are Mr. Thomas W. Wilson, Mr. Henry Eddy, and Mr.
+George Rogers," said the judge, pointing to several young attorneys
+who were sitting in the room, waiting for something to turn up,
+"and Mr. Allen is out in the hall."</p>
+<p>The prisoner looked at the attorneys, and, after a critical
+survey, he turned to the judge and said:</p>
+<p>"If I can take my choice, sir, I guess I'll take Mr.
+Allen."&mdash;<i>A.S. Hitchcock</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What is that little boy crying about?" asked the benevolent old
+lady of the ragged boy.</p>
+<p>"Dat other kid swiped his candy," was the response.</p>
+<p>"But how is it that you have the candy now?"</p>
+<p>"Sure I got de candy now. I'm de little kid's lawyer."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole
+in the sidewalk and broke his leg. He engaged a famous lawyer,
+brought suit against the village for one thousand dollars and won
+the case. The city appealed to the Supreme Court, but again the
+great lawyer won.</p>
+<p>After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and
+handed him one dollar.</p>
+<p>"What's this?" asked the man.</p>
+<p>"That's your damages, after taking out my fee, the cost of
+appeal and other expenses," replied the counsel.</p>
+<p>The man looked at the dollar, turned it over and carefully
+scanned the other side. Then looked up at the lawyer and said:
+"What's the matter with this dollar? Is it counterfeit?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Deceive not thy Physician, Confessor nor Lawyer.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A Sergeant of the Lawe, war and wys</p>
+<p class="i2">Ther was also, ful riche of excellence.</p>
+<p class="i2">Discreet he was, and of greet reverence:</p>
+<p class="i2">He seemed swich, his wordes weren so wyse.</p>
+<p class="i10">* * *</p>
+<p class="i2">No-wher so bisy a man as he ther nas,</p>
+<p class="i2">And yet he seemed bisier than he was.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Chaucer</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H389" id="H389"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LAZINESS</h3>
+<p>A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a
+querulous old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen
+minutes at a stretch.</p>
+<p>"Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots
+of money shipping green corn to the northern market."</p>
+<p>"Yes, I otter," was the sullen reply.</p>
+<p>"You have the land, I suppose, and can get the seed."</p>
+<p>"Yes, I guess so."</p>
+<p>"Then why don't you go into the speculation?"</p>
+<p>"No use, stranger," sadly replied the cracker, "the old woman is
+too lazy to do the plowin' and plantin'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one
+of the passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front
+of which sat a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native
+why the dog was howling.</p>
+<p>"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy."</p>
+<p>"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is
+painful."</p>
+<p>"'Taint," responded the garrulous native.</p>
+<p>"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"</p>
+<p>"Lazy."</p>
+<p>"But why does laziness make him howl?"</p>
+<p>"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a
+sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets
+thar an' howls 'cause it hurts."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How's times?" inquired a tourist.</p>
+<p>"Oh, pretty tolerable," responded the old native who was sitting
+on a stump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along
+and saved me the trouble."</p>
+<p>"Fine."</p>
+<p>"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and
+saved me the trouble of burnin' it."</p>
+<p>"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along
+and shake the potatoes out of the ground."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A tramp, after a day or two in the hustling, bustling town of
+Denver, shook the Denver dust from his boots with a snarl.</p>
+<p>"They must be durn lazy people in this town. Everywhere you turn
+they offer you work to do."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Atlanta man tells of an amusing experience he had in a
+mountainous region in a southwestern state, where the inhabitants
+are notoriously shiftless. Arriving at a dilapidated shanty at the
+noon hour, he inquired as to the prospects for getting dinner.</p>
+<p>The head of the family, who had been "resting" on a fallen tree
+in front of his dwelling, made reply to the effect that he "guessed
+Ma'd hev suthin' on to the table putty soon."</p>
+<p>With this encouragement, the traveler dismounted. To his
+chagrin, however, he soon discovered that the food set before him
+was such that he could not possibly "make a meal." He made such
+excuses as he could for his lack of appetite, and finally bethought
+himself of a kind of nourishment which he might venture to take,
+and which was sure to be found in any locality. He asked for some
+milk.</p>
+<p>"Don't have milk no more," said the head of the place. "The
+dawg's dead."</p>
+<p>"The dog!" cried the stranger. "What on earth has the dog to do
+with it?"</p>
+<p>"Well," explained the host meditatively, "them cows don't seem
+to know 'nough to come up and be milked theirselves. The dog, he
+used to go for 'em an' fetch 'em up."&mdash;<i>Edwin
+Tarrisse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Some temptations come to the industrious, but all temptations
+attack the idle.&mdash;<i>Spurgeon</i>.</p>
+<a name="H390" id="H390"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LEAP YEAR</h3>
+<p>A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:</p>
+<p>"George, as it is leap year&mdash;"</p>
+<p>The caller turned pale.</p>
+<p>"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling
+regularly now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I
+propose&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George
+interrupted hurriedly.</p>
+<p>"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap
+year, I thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the
+more eligible fellows a chance."&mdash;<i>L.F. Clarke</i>.</p>
+<a name="H391" id="H391"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LEGISLATORS</h3>
+<p>Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to
+inspect an insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the
+committee spent in the investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a
+partner one of the fair unfortunates to whom he was introduced.</p>
+<p>"I don't remember having seen you here before," said she; "how
+long have you been in the asylum?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, I only came down yesterday," said the gentleman, "as one of
+the Legislative Committee."</p>
+<p>"Of course," returned the lady; "how stupid I am! However, I
+knew you were an inmate or a member of the Legislature the moment I
+looked at you. But how was I to know? It is so difficult to know
+which."</p>
+<a name="H392" id="H392"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LIARS</h3>
+<p>There are three kinds of liars:</p>
+<p>1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him
+alone.</p>
+<p>2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a
+careful study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he
+will find out that you are a hypocrite.</p>
+<p>3. The man who can't believe himself. He is a cautious
+individual. Encourage him.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when
+one made a misstep and fell to the ground. The other leaned over
+and called:</p>
+<p>"Are yez dead or alive, Mike?"</p>
+<p>"Oi'm alive," said Mike feebly.</p>
+<p>"Sure you're such a liar Oi don't know whether to belave yez or
+not."</p>
+<p>"Well, then, Oi must be dead," said Mike, "for yez would never
+dare to call me a liar if Oi wor aloive."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FATHER (reprovingly)&mdash;"Do you know what happens to liars
+when they die?"</p>
+<p>JOHNNY&mdash;"Yes, sir; they lie still."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his
+captain with a most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her
+heart for his absence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's
+ways, replied:</p>
+<p>"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received
+a letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because
+you get drunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her
+shamefully."</p>
+<p>The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at
+the door, asking: "Sor, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but
+as mon to mon?"</p>
+<p>"Yes; what is it?"</p>
+<p>"Well, sor, what I'm after sayin' is this," approaching the
+captain and lowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most
+iligant liars the Lord ever made. I'm not married at all."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to
+the proper pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often
+startled upon arrival at his station to hear the conductor
+yell:</p>
+<p>"You're a liar! You're a liar!"</p>
+<p>And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car:</p>
+<p>"You really are! You really are!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MOTHER&mdash;"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told
+stories when I was a little girl."</p>
+<p>BOBBY&mdash;"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"&mdash;<i>Horace
+Zimmerman</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of
+old Si Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in.</p>
+<p>"What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would
+you call Si Perkins a liar?"</p>
+<p>"Well," answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied
+the ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar
+exactly, but I do know this much: when feedin' time comes, in order
+to get any response from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to
+call 'em for him."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever present help
+in time of trouble.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy
+young easterners desirous of hunting in the Northwest evidently
+took them to be the greenest of tenderfoots, since he undertook to
+chaff them with a recital something as follows:</p>
+<p>"It was my first grizzly, so I was mighty proud to kill him in a
+hand-to-hand struggle. We started to fight about sunrise. When he
+finally gave up the ghost, the sun was going down."</p>
+<p>At this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story.
+Not a word was said by the easterners, so the guide added very
+slowly, "<i>for the second time</i>."</p>
+<p>"I gather, then," said one young gentleman, a dapper little
+Bostonian, "that it required a period of two days to enable you to
+dispose of that grizzly."</p>
+<p>"Two days and a night," said the guide, with a grin. "That
+grizzly died mighty hard."</p>
+<p>"Choked to death?" asked the Bostonian.</p>
+<p>"Yes, <i>sir</i>," said the guide.</p>
+<p>"Pardon me," continued the Hubbite, "but what did you try to get
+him to swallow?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">When by night the frogs are croaking,</p>
+<p class="i2">Kindle but a torch's fire;</p>
+<p class="i2">Ha! how soon they all are silent;</p>
+<p class="i2">Thus Truth silences the liar.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Friedrich von Logan</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Epitaphs; Husbands; Politicians; Real estate
+agents; Regrets.</p>
+<a name="H393" id="H393"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LIBERTY</h3>
+<p>Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to
+be slaves of the things we do like.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty</p>
+<p class="i2">Is worth a whole eternity in bondage.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Addison</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Where liberty dwells, there is my country.&mdash;<i>Benjamin
+Franklin</i>.</p>
+<a name="H394" id="H394"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LIBRARIANS</h3>
+<p>A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The
+Public Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for
+the annual cleaning and vacation of the librarians."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the
+statement that the requests for books with queer titles are filled
+with ones really wanted. The following are instances:</p>
+<table summary="AS ASKED FOR-CORRECT TITLE" align="center" width=
+"80%">
+<tr>
+<td>AS ASKED FOR</td>
+<td>CORRECT TITLE</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">Indecent Orders</td>
+<td class="caption">In Deacon's Orders</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">She Combeth Not Her Head</td>
+<td class="caption">She Cometh Not, She Said</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">Trial of a Servant</td>
+<td class="caption">Trail of the Serpent</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">Essays of a Liar</td>
+<td class="caption">Essays of Elia</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">Soap and Tables</td>
+<td class="caption">&AElig;sop's Fables</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">Pocketbook's Hill</td>
+<td class="caption">Puck of Pook's Hill</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">Dentist's Infirmary</td>
+<td class="caption">Dante's Inferno</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="caption">Holy Smoke</td>
+<td class="caption">Divine Fire</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One librarian has the following entries in a card catalog:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Lead Poisoning</p>
+<p class="i2">Do, Kindly Light.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A distinguished librarian is a good follower of Chesterton. He
+says: "To my way of thinking, a great librarian must have a clear
+head, a strong hand and, above all, a great heart. Such shall be
+greatest among librarians; and when I look into the future, I am
+inclined to think that most of the men who will achieve this
+greatness will be women."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Many catalogers append notes to the main entries of their
+catalogs. Here are two:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2"><i>An Ideal Husband</i>:</p>
+<p class="i4">Essentially a work of fiction,</p>
+<p class="i4">and presumably written by a</p>
+<p class="i4">woman (unmarried).</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2"><i>Aspects of Home Rule</i>:</p>
+<p class="i4">Political, not domestic.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In a branch library a reader asked for <i>The Girl He
+Married</i> (by James Grant.) This happened to be out, and the
+assistant was requested to select a similar book. Presumably he was
+a benedict, for he returned triumphantly with <i>His Better
+Half</i> (by George Griffith).</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Have you <i>A Joy Forever</i>?" inquired a lady borrower.</p>
+<p>"No," replied the assistant librarian after referring to the
+stock. "Dear me, how tiresome," said the lady; "have you Praed?"
+"Yes, madam, but it isn't any good," was the prompt reply.</p>
+<a name="H395" id="H395"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LIFE</h3>
+<p>Life's an aquatic meet&mdash;some swim, some dive, some back
+water, some float and the rest&mdash;sink.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I count life just a stuff</p>
+<p class="i2">To try the soul's strength on.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Robert Browning</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">May you live as long as you like,</p>
+<p class="i2">And have what you like as long as you live.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Live, while you live," the epicure would say,</p>
+<p class="i2">"And seize the pleasures of the present day;"</p>
+<p class="i2">"Live, while you live," the sacred Preacher
+cries,</p>
+<p class="i2">"And give to God each moment as it flies."</p>
+<p class="i2">"Lord, in my views let both united be;</p>
+<p class="i2">I live in <i>pleasure</i>, when I live to
+<i>Thee</i>."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Philip Doddridge</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">This world that we're a-livin' in</p>
+<p class="i4">Is mighty hard to beat,</p>
+<p class="i2">For you get a thorn with every rose&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">But ain't the roses sweet!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the
+stuff life is made of.&mdash;<i>Benjamin Franklin</i>.</p>
+<a name="H396" id="H396"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LISPING</h3>
+<p>"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who
+noticed an unusual lisp.</p>
+<p>"Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I
+talk."</p>
+<a name="H397" id="H397"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LOST AND FOUND</h3>
+<p>"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben,
+"but I kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles
+advertised 'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What were you in for?" asked the friend.</p>
+<p>"I found a horse."</p>
+<p>"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a
+horse."</p>
+<p>"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no
+longer&mdash;it has been found."&mdash;<i>Brooklyn Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost
+a cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutely
+certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he
+posted this notice:</p>
+<p>"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply
+appreciate its immediate return."</p>
+<p>That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was
+posted, what were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that
+appended thereto were these lines:</p>
+<p>"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor
+if the owner would kindly lose the other link."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>CHINAMAN&mdash;"You tellee me where railroad depot?"</p>
+<p>CITIZEN&mdash;"What's the matter, John? Lost?"</p>
+<p>CHINAMAN&mdash;"No! me here. Depot lost."</p>
+<a name="H398" id="H398"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LOVE</h3>
+<p>Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's
+board-bill for life.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MR. SLIMPURSE&mdash;"But why do you insist that our daughter
+should marry a man whom she does not like? You married for love,
+didn't you?"</p>
+<p>MRS. SLIMPURSE&mdash;"Yes; but that is no reason why I should
+let our daughter make the same blunder."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MAUDE&mdash;"Jack is telling around that you are worth your
+weight in gold."</p>
+<p>ETHEL&mdash;"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"</p>
+<p>MAUDE&mdash;"His creditors."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>RICH MAN&mdash;"Would you love my daughter just as much if she
+had no money?"</p>
+<p>SUITOR&mdash;"Why, certainly!"</p>
+<p>RICH MAN&mdash;"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in
+this family."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">'Tis better to have lived and loved</p>
+<p class="i2">Than never to have lived at all.</p>
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>May we have those in our arms that we love in our hearts.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Here's to love, the only fire against which there is no
+insurance.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to those that I love;</p>
+<p class="i2">Here's to those who love me;</p>
+<p class="i2">Here's to those who love those that I love.</p>
+<p class="i2">Here's to those who love those who love me.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is
+better than not to be able to love at
+all.&mdash;<i>Thackeray</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Mysterious love, uncertain treasure,</p>
+<p class="i2">Hast thou more of pain or pleasure!</p>
+<p class="i10">* * * * * * * * *</p>
+<p class="i2">Endless torments dwell about thee:</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet who would live, and live without thee!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Addison</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">O, love, love, love!</p>
+<p class="i4">Love is like a dizziness;</p>
+<p class="i2">It winna let a poor body</p>
+<p class="i6">Gang about his biziness!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Hogg</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Let the man who does not wish to be idle, fall in
+love.&mdash;<i>Ovid</i>.</p>
+<a name="H399" id="H399"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LOYALTY</h3>
+<p>Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the
+other morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock
+that evening, got into his auto and started for town.</p>
+<p>At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began
+to get nervous. When the hour of midnight arrived she could bear
+the suspense no longer, so she aroused her father and sent him off
+to the telegraph office with six telegrams to as many brother Elks
+living in town, asking each if her husband was stopping with him
+overnight.</p>
+<p>Morning came, and the frantic wife had received no intelligence
+of the missing man. As dawn appeared, a farm wagon containing a
+farmer and the derelict husband drove up to the house, while behind
+the wagon trailed the broken-down auto. Almost simultaneously came
+a messenger boy with an answer to one of the telegrams, followed at
+intervals by five others. All of them read:</p>
+<p>"Yes, John is spending the night with me."&mdash;<i>Bush
+Phillips</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>BOY&mdash;"Come quick, there's a man been fighting my father
+more'n half an hour."</p>
+<p>POLICEMAN&mdash;"Why didn't you tell me before?"</p>
+<p>BOY&mdash;"'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few
+minutes ago."</p>
+<a name="H400" id="H400"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LUCK</h3>
+<p>Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to
+meet it.&mdash;<i>Douglas Jerrold</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">O, once in each man's life, at least,</p>
+<p class="i4">Good luck knocks at his door;</p>
+<p class="i2">And wit to seize the flitting guest</p>
+<p class="i4">Need never hunger more.</p>
+<p class="i2">But while the loitering idler waits</p>
+<p class="i4">Good luck beside his fire,</p>
+<p class="i2">The bold heart storms at fortunes gates,</p>
+<p class="i4">And conquers its desire.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Lewis J. Bates</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Tommy," said his brother, "you're a regular little glutton. How
+can you eat so much?"</p>
+<p>"Don't know; it's just good luck," replied the youngster.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A negro who was having one misfortune after another said he was
+having as bad luck as the man with only a fork when it was raining
+soup.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Windfalls.</p>
+<a name="H401" id="H401"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MAINE</h3>
+<p>The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the
+pupils what the people of different states were called.</p>
+<p>"Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers';
+the people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from
+Michigan we know as 'Michiganders.' Now, what little boy or girl
+can tell me what the people of Maine are called?"</p>
+<p>"I know," said a little girl.</p>
+<p>"Well, what are we called?" asked the Governor.</p>
+<p>"Maniacs."</p>
+<a name="H402" id="H402"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MAKING GOOD</h3>
+<p>"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired
+Rufus.</p>
+<p>"Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz
+playin' wif him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red,
+an' on blue to see him turn blue, an' on green to see him turn
+green, an' so on. Den de fool gal, not satisfied wif lettin' well
+enough alone, went an' put him on a plaid, an' de poor little thing
+went an' bust himself tryin' to make good."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Success.</p>
+<a name="H403" id="H403"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MALARIA</h3>
+<p>The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and
+proceeded to ask the usual questions.</p>
+<p>"It&mdash;er&mdash;seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate
+with scientific interest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills
+appear on alternate days. Do you think&mdash;is it your
+opinion&mdash;that they have, so to speak, decreased in violence,
+if I may use that word?"</p>
+<p>The patient smiled feebly. "Doc," said he, "on fever days my
+head's so hot I can't think, and on ague days I shake so I can't
+hold an opinion."</p>
+<a name="H404" id="H404"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MARKS(WO)MANSHIP</h3>
+<p>An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in
+New Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in
+attempting to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came
+in the shape of his wife.</p>
+<p>When the woman came up, the dog had fastened his teeth in the
+calf of her husband's leg and was holding on for dear life. Seizing
+a stone in the road, the Irishman's wife was about to hurl it, when
+the husband, with wonderful presence of mind, shouted:</p>
+<p>"Mary! Mary! Don't throw the stone at the dog! throw it at
+me!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Mary had a little lamb,</p>
+<p class="i4">It's fleece was gone in spots,</p>
+<p class="i2">For Mary fired her father's gun,</p>
+<p class="i4">And lamby caught the shots!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Columbia Jester</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H405" id="H405"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MARRIAGE</h3>
+<p>MRS. QUACKENNESS&mdash;"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah
+Sagg?"</p>
+<p>MRS. SAGG&mdash;"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a
+husband dat's skeered to death of her!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long
+delirium of fever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had
+supplied. "Where am I&mdash;in heaven?"</p>
+<p>"No, dear," cooed his wife; "I am still with you."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Archbishop Ryan was visiting a small parish in a mining district
+one day for the purpose of administering confirmation, and asked
+one nervous little girl what matrimony is.</p>
+<p>"It is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are
+compelled to undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and
+better world," she said.</p>
+<p>"No, no," remonstrated her rector; "that isn't matrimony: that's
+the definition of purgatory."</p>
+<p>"Leave her alone," said the Archbishop; "maybe she is right.
+What do you and I know about it?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Was Helen's marriage a success?"</p>
+<p>"Goodness, yes. Why, she is going to marry a nobleman on the
+alimony."&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>JENNIE&mdash;"What makes George such a pessimist?"</p>
+<p>JACK&mdash;"Well, he's been married three times&mdash;once for
+love, once for money and the last time for a home."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Matrimony is the root of all evil.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One day Mary, the charwoman, reported for service with a black
+eye.</p>
+<p>"Why, Mary," said her sympathetic mistress, "what a bad eye you
+have!"</p>
+<p>"Yes'm."</p>
+<p>"Well, there's one consolation. It might have been worse."</p>
+<p>"Yes'm."</p>
+<p>"You might have had both of them hurt."</p>
+<p>"Yes'm. Or worse'n that: I might not ha' been married at
+all."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A wife placed upon her husband's tombstone: "He had been married
+forty years and was prepared to die."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I can take a hundred words a minute," said the
+stenographer.</p>
+<p>"I often take more than that," said the prospective employer;
+"but then I have to, I'm married."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man and his wife were airing their troubles on the sidewalk
+one Saturday evening when a good Samaritan intervened.</p>
+<p>"See here, my man," he protested, "this sort of thing won't
+do."</p>
+<p>"What business is it of yours, I'd like to know," snarled the
+man, turning from his wife.</p>
+<p>"It's only my business in so far as I can be of help in settling
+this dispute," answered the Samaritan mildly.</p>
+<p>"This ain't no dispute," growled the man.</p>
+<p>"No dispute! But, my dear friend&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"I tell you it ain't no dispute," insisted the man.
+"She"&mdash;jerking his thumb toward the woman&mdash;"thinks she
+ain't goin to get my week's wages, and I know darn well she ain't.
+Where's the dispute in that?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>HIS BETTER HALF&mdash;"I think it's time we got Lizzie married
+and settled down, Alfred. She will be twenty-eight next week you
+know."</p>
+<p>HER LESSER HALF&mdash;"Oh, don't hurry, my dear. Better wait
+till the right sort of man comes along."</p>
+<p>HIS BETTER HALF&mdash;"But why wait? I didn't!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>O'Flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black crape
+around his hat.</p>
+<p>"Why, Mike!" exclaimed his wife. "What are ye wearin' thot
+mournful thing for?"</p>
+<p>"I'm wearin' it for yer first husband," replied Mike firmly.
+"I'm sorry he's dead."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What a strangely interesting face your friend the poet has,"
+gurgled the maiden of forty. "It seems to possess all the elements
+of happiness and sorrow, each struggling for supremacy."</p>
+<p>"Yes, he looks to me like a man who was married and didn't know
+it," growled the Cynical Bachelor.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The not especially sweet-tempered young wife of a Kaslo B.C.,
+man one day approached her lord concerning the matter of one
+hundred dollars or so.</p>
+<p>"I'd like to let you have it, my dear," began the husband, "but
+the fact is I haven't that amount in the bank this
+morning&mdash;that is to say, I haven't that amount to spare,
+inasmuch as I must take up a note for two hundred dollars this
+afternoon."</p>
+<p>"Oh, very well, James!" said the wife, with an ominous calmness,
+"If you think the man who holds the note can make things any hotter
+for you than I can&mdash;why, do as you say, James!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A young lady entered a book store and inquired of the
+gentlemanly clerk&mdash;a married man, by-the-way&mdash;if he had a
+book suitable for an old gentleman who had been married fifty
+years.</p>
+<p>Without the least hesitation the clerk reached for a copy of
+Parkman's "A Half Century of Conflict."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Smith and Jones were discussing the question of who should be
+head of the house&mdash;the man or the woman.</p>
+<p>"I am the head of my establishment," said Jones. "I am the
+bread-winner. Why shouldn't I be?"</p>
+<p>"Well," replied Smith, "before my wife and I were married we
+made an agreement that I should make the rulings in all major
+things, my wife in all the minor."</p>
+<p>"How has it worked?" queried Jones.</p>
+<p>Smith smiled. "So far," he replied, "no major matters have come
+up."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A poor lady the other day hastened to the nursery and said to
+her little daughter:</p>
+<p>"Minnie, what do you mean by shouting and screaming? Play
+quietly, like Tommy. See, he doesn't make a sound."</p>
+<p>"Of course he doesn't," said the little girl. "That is our game.
+He is papa coming home late, and I am you."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The stranger advanced toward the door. Mrs. O'Toole stood in the
+doorway with a rough stick in her left hand and a frown on her
+brow.</p>
+<p>"Good morning," said the stranger politely. "I'm looking for Mr.
+O'Toole."</p>
+<p>"So'm I," said Mrs. O'Toole, shifting her club over to her other
+hand.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TIM&mdash;"Sarer Smith (you know 'er&mdash;Bill's missus), she
+throwed herself horf the end uv the wharf larst night."</p>
+<p>TOM&mdash;"Poor Sarer!"</p>
+<p>TIM&mdash;"An' a cop fished 'er out again."</p>
+<p>TOM&mdash;"Poor Bill!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The cooing stops with the honeymoon, but the billing goes on
+forever.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Well, old man, how did you get along after I left you at
+midnight. Get home all right?"</p>
+<p>"No; a confounded nosey policeman haled me to the station, where
+I spent the rest of the night."</p>
+<p>"Lucky dog! I reached home."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>STRANGER&mdash;"What's the fight about?"</p>
+<p>NATIVE&mdash;"The feller on top is Hank Hill wot married the
+widder Strong, an' th' other's Joel Jenks, wot interdooced him to
+her."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and
+cruelly misusing his wife. After hearing the charge against the
+prisoner, the justice turned to the first witness.</p>
+<p>"Madam," he said, "if this man were your husband and had given
+you a beating, would you call in the police?"</p>
+<p>The woman addressed, a veritable Amazon in size and
+aggressiveness, turned a smiling countenance towards the justice
+and answered: "No, jedge. If he was mah husban', and he treated me
+lak he did 'is wife, Ah wouldn't call no p'liceman. No, sah, Ah'd
+call de undertaker."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>We admire the strict impartiality of the judge who recently
+fined his wife twenty-five dollars for contempt of court, but we
+would hate to have been in the judge's shoes when he got home that
+night.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How many children have you?" asked the census-taker.</p>
+<p>The man addressed removed the pipe from his mouth, scratched his
+head, thought it over a moment, and then replied:</p>
+<p>"Five&mdash;four living and one married."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SHE&mdash;"How did they ever come to marry?"</p>
+<p>HE&mdash;"Oh, it's the same old story. Started out to be good
+friends, you know, and later on changed their
+minds."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Nat Goodwin and a friend were walking along Fifth Avenue one
+afternoon when they stopped to look into a florist's window, in
+which there was an artistic arrangement of exquisite roses.</p>
+<p>"What wonderful American Beauties those are, Nat!" said the
+friend delightedly.</p>
+<p>"They are, indeed," replied Nat.</p>
+<p>"You see, I am very fond of that flower," continued the friend.
+"In fact, I might say it is my favorite. You know, Nat, I married
+an American beauty."</p>
+<p>"Well," said Nat dryly, "you haven't got anything on me. I
+married a cluster."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last
+month?"</p>
+<p>"Of course! What's the matter?"</p>
+<p>"Well, I thought there might be some mistake, seeing that I've
+lived a dog's life ever since."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
+beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to
+get out, and such as are out wish to get
+in.&mdash;<i>Emerson</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>HOUSEHOLDER&mdash;"Here, drop that coat and clear out!"</p>
+<p>BURGLAR&mdash;"You be quiet, or I'll wake your wife and give her
+this letter I found in your pocket."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young
+ladies spend their time in making nets, not in making
+cages.&mdash;<i>Swift</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Church discipline; Domestic finance;
+Trouble.</p>
+<a name="H406" id="H406"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MARRIAGE FEES</h3>
+<p>A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with
+a demand for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the
+consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but
+destitute of financial resources. The father was obdurate. "No
+money, no marriage."</p>
+<p>"Give me l'ave, your riverence," said the blushing bride, "to go
+and get the money."</p>
+<p>It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of
+raising a marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval
+she returned with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed
+to the satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the
+newly-made wife seemed a little uneasy.</p>
+<p>"Anything on your mind, Catherine?" said the father.</p>
+<p>"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage
+could not be spoiled now."</p>
+<p>"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder."</p>
+<p>"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil the
+marriage?"</p>
+<p>"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to
+do with your marriage."</p>
+<p>"That aises me mind," said Catherine, "and God bless your
+riverence. There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the
+lobby and pawned it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MANDY&mdash;"What foh yo' been goin'to de post-office so
+reg'lar? Are yo' corresponding wif some other female?"</p>
+<p>RASTUS&mdash;"Nope; but since ah been a-readin' in de papers
+'bout dese 'conscience funds' ah kind of thought ah might possibly
+git a lettah from dat ministah what married
+us."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The knot was tied; the pair were wed,</p>
+<p class="i2">And then the smiling bridegroom said</p>
+<p class="i2">Unto the preacher, "Shall I pay</p>
+<p class="i2">To you the usual fee today.</p>
+<p class="i2">Or would you have me wait a year</p>
+<p class="i2">And give you then a hundred clear,</p>
+<p class="i2">If I should find the marriage state</p>
+<p class="i2">As happy as I estimate?"</p>
+<p class="i2">The preacher lost no time in thought,</p>
+<p class="i2">To his reply no study brought,</p>
+<p class="i2">There were no wrinkles on his brow:</p>
+<p class="i2">Said he, "I'll take three dollars now."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H407" id="H407"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MATHEMATICS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Arithmetic.</p>
+<a name="H408" id="H408"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MATRIMONY</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Marriage.</p>
+<a name="H409" id="H409"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MEASURING INSTRUMENTS</h3>
+<p>"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting
+a short and stout friend on Washington Street.</p>
+<p>"What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other.</p>
+<p>"Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to
+Brother Smith's dey are measurin' de house for some new carpets.
+Dey haven't got no yawdstick, and I's just ezactly six feet tall.
+So to oblige Brother Smith, I's been a-layin' down and a-gettin' up
+all over deir house."</p>
+<a name="H410" id="H410"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS</h3>
+<p>PASSER-BY&mdash;"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?"</p>
+<p>THE BOY&mdash;"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us
+an' one of the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's
+out of a perfect kid."</p>
+<a name="H411" id="H411"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MEDICINE</h3>
+<p>The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country
+doctor came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him
+something to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and,
+reaching down into his medicine case, gave the animal some powders.
+The mule switched his tail, tossed his head and started on a mad
+gallop down the road. The farmer looked first at the flying animal
+and then at the doctor.</p>
+<p>"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician.</p>
+<p>"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it.
+"I've got to catch that mule."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I hope you are following my instructions carefully,
+Sandy&mdash;the pills three times a day and a drop of whisky at
+bedtime."</p>
+<p>"Weeel, sir, I may be a wee bit behind wi' the pills, but I'm
+about six weeks in front wi' the whusky."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon
+an innocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing
+in a western newspaper. He wrote: "Wanted&mdash;a gentleman to
+undertake the sale of a patent medicine. The advertiser guarantees
+it will be profitable to the undertaker."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I firmly believe that if the whole <i>materia medico</i> could
+be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for
+mankind and all the worse for the fishes.&mdash;<i>O.W.
+Holmes</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man's own observation, what he finds good of, and what he
+finds hurt of, is the best physic to preserve
+health.&mdash;<i>Bacon</i>.</p>
+<a name="H412" id="H412"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MEEKNESS</h3>
+<p>One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing
+bridge all the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange
+man (afterward ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some
+mysterious business over the library table, upon which were spread
+several sheets of paper.</p>
+<p>"What are you going to do with all that paper, Henry?" demanded
+the wife.</p>
+<p>"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband.</p>
+<p>"A wish?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a
+will."</p>
+<a name="H413" id="H413"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MEMORIALS</h3>
+<p>Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of
+their race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral
+tributes. Said the cook:</p>
+<p>"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no
+flowers on my grave. Jes' plant a good old watermelon-vine; an'
+when she gits ripe, you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes'
+bus' it on de grave, an' let de good old juice dribble down thro'
+de ground!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"That's rather a handsome mantelpiece you have there, Mr.
+Binkston," said the visitor.</p>
+<p>"Yes," replied Mr. Binkston, proudly. "That is a memorial to my
+wife."</p>
+<p>"Why&mdash;I was not aware that Mrs. Binkston had passed away,"
+said the visitor sympathetically.</p>
+<p>"Oh no, indeed, she hasn't," smiled Mr. Binkston. "She is
+serving her thirtieth sojourn in jail. That mantelpiece is built of
+the bricks she was convicted of throwing."</p>
+<a name="H414" id="H414"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MEMORY</h3>
+<p>"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man
+seated on a drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell
+me that you remember seeing George Washington&mdash;am I
+mistaken?"</p>
+<p>"No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him, but I
+done fo'got sence I jined de chu'ch."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A noted college president, attending a banquet in Boston, was
+surprised to see that the darky who took the hats at the door gave
+no checks in return.</p>
+<p>"He has a most wonderful memory," a fellow diner explained.
+"He's been doing that for years and prides himself upon never
+having made a mistake."</p>
+<p>As the college president was leaving, the darky passed him his
+hat.</p>
+<p>"How do you know that this one is mine?"</p>
+<p>"I don't know it, suh," admitted the darky.</p>
+<p>"Then why do you give it to me?"</p>
+<p>"'Cause yo' gave it to me, suh."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Tommy," said his mother reprovingly, "what did I say I'd do to
+you if I ever caught you stealing jam again?"</p>
+<p>Tommy thoughtfully scratched his head with his sticky
+fingers.</p>
+<p>"Why, that's funny, ma, that you should forget it, too. Hanged
+if I can remember." Smith is a young New York lawyer, clever in
+many ways, but very forgetful. He was recently sent to St. Louis to
+interview an important client in regard to a case then pending in
+the Missouri courts. Later the head of his firm received this
+telegram from St. Louis:</p>
+<p>"Have forgotten name of client. Please wire at once."</p>
+<p>This was the reply sent from New York:</p>
+<p>"Client's name Jenkins. Your name Smith."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">When time who steals our years away</p>
+<p class="i4">Shall steal our pleasures too,</p>
+<p class="i2">The mem'ry of the past will stay</p>
+<p class="i4">And half our joys renew.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Moore</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The heart hath its own memory, like the mind,</p>
+<p class="i4">And in it are enshrined</p>
+<p class="i2">The precious keepsakes, into which is wrought</p>
+<p class="i4">The giver's loving thought.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Longfellow</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H415" id="H415"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MEN</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the men! God bless them!</p>
+<p class="i4">Worst of me sins, I confess them!</p>
+<p class="i2">In loving them all; be they great or small,</p>
+<p class="i4">So here's to the boys! God bless them!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">May all single men be married,</p>
+<p class="i4">And all married men be happy.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What is your ideal man?"</p>
+<p>"One who is clever enough to make money and foolish enough to
+spend it!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I have thought some of Nature's journeymen had made men and not
+made them well, they imitated humanity so
+abominably.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Men are four:</p>
+<p class="i2">He who knows and knows not that he knows,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">He is asleep&mdash;wake him;</p>
+<p class="i2">He who knows not and knows not that he knows
+not,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">He is a fool&mdash;shun him;</p>
+<p class="i2">He who knows not and knows that he knows
+not,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">He is a child&mdash;teach him;</p>
+<p class="i2">He who knows and knows that He knows,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">He is a king&mdash;follow him.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Dogs; Husbands.</p>
+<a name="H416" id="H416"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MESSAGES</h3>
+<p>"Have you the rent ready?"</p>
+<p>"No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for
+you."</p>
+<p>"Did she tell you she'd forgotten?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man,
+who, while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would
+acquaint his wife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the
+telegraph office and sent this message: "Dear Pat, I am saved.
+Break it gently to my wife."</p>
+<a name="H417" id="H417"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>METAPHOR</h3>
+<p>It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had
+closed the woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who
+burst out:</p>
+<p>"It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the
+teeth of the advancing wave that is sounding the clarion of equal
+rights."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A water consumer in Los Angeles, California, whose supply had
+been turned off because he wouldn't pay, wrote to the department as
+follows:</p>
+<p>"In the matter of shutting off the water on unpaid bills, your
+company is fast becoming a regular crystallized Russian
+bureaucracy, running in a groove and deaf to the appeals of reform.
+There is no use of your trying to impugn the verity of this
+indictment by shaking your official heads in the teeth of your own
+deeds.</p>
+<p>"If you will persist in this kind of thing, a widespread
+conflagration of the populace will be so imminent that it will
+require only a spark to let loose the dogs of war in our midst.
+Will you persist in hurling the corner stone of our personal
+liberty to your wolfish hounds of collectors, thirsting for its
+blood? If you persist, the first thing you know you will have the
+chariot of a justly indignant revolution rolling along in our midst
+and gnashing its teeth as it rolls.</p>
+<p>"If your rascally collectors are permitted to continue coming to
+our doors with unblushing footsteps, with cloaks of hypocritical
+compunction in their mouths, and compel payment from your patrons,
+this policy will result in cutting the wool off the sheep that lays
+the golden egg, until you have pumped it dry&mdash;and then
+farewell, a long farewell, to our vaunted prosperity."</p>
+<a name="H418" id="H418"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MICE</h3>
+<p>"What's the matter with Briggs?"</p>
+<p>"He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across
+the floor."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H419" id="H419"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MIDDLE CLASSES</h3>
+<p>WILLIE&mdash;"Paw, what is the middle class?"</p>
+<p>PAW&mdash;"The middle class consists of people who are not poor
+enough to accept charity and not rich enough to donate
+anything."</p>
+<a name="H420" id="H420"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MILITANTS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Suffragettes.</p>
+<a name="H421" id="H421"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MILITARY DISCIPLINE</h3>
+<p>Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at
+all, and by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in
+the troop.</p>
+<p>"Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount
+without orders."</p>
+<p>Murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the
+ground.</p>
+<p>"Murphy!" yelled the sergeant, when he discovered him lying
+breathless on the ground, "you dismounted!"</p>
+<p>"I did."</p>
+<p>"Did you have orders?"</p>
+<p>"I did."</p>
+<p>"From headquarters, I suppose?"</p>
+<p>"No, sor; from hintquarters."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How dare you come on parade," exclaimed an Irish sergeant to a
+recruit, "before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head
+to foot in graise an' poipe clay? Tell me now&mdash;answer me when
+I spake to yez!"</p>
+<p>The recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when
+the sergeant stopped him.</p>
+<p>"Dare yez to answer me when I puts a question to yez?" he cried.
+"Hould yer lyin' tongue, and open your face at yer peril! Tell me
+now, what have ye been doin' wid yer uniform an' arms an' bills?
+Not a word, or I'll clap yez in the guardroom. When I axes yez
+anything an' yez spakes I'll have yez tried for insolence to yer
+superior officer, but if yez don't answer when I questions yez,
+I'll have yez punished for disobedience of orders! So, yez see, I
+have yez both ways!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mistake, error, is the discipline through which we
+advance.&mdash;<i>Channing</i>.</p>
+<a name="H422" id="H422"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MILLINERS</h3>
+<p>Recipe for a milliner:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">To a presence that's much more than queenly,</p>
+<p class="i4">Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere;</p>
+<p class="i2">You feel like a worm in her sight when she says,</p>
+<p class="i4">"Only $300, my dear!"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H423" id="H423"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MILLIONAIRES</h3>
+<p>Recipe for a multi-millionaire:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Take a boy with bare feet as a starter</p>
+<p class="i2">Add thrift and sobriety, mixed&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Flavor with quarts of religion,</p>
+<p class="i4">And see that the tariff is fixed.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)&mdash;"Be off with you this
+minute!"</p>
+<p>BEGGAR&mdash;"Look 'ere, mister; the only difference between you
+and me is that you are makin' your second million, while I am still
+workin' at my first."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Now that you have made $50,000,000, I suppose you are going to
+keep right on for the purpose of trying to get a hundred
+millions?"</p>
+<p>"No, sir. You do me an injustice. I'm going to put in the rest
+of my time trying to get my conscience into a satisfactory
+condition."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"When I was a young man," said Mr. Cumrox, "I thought nothing of
+working twelve or fourteen hours a day."</p>
+<p>"Father," replied the young man with sporty clothes, "I wish you
+wouldn't mention it. Those non-union sentiments are liable to make
+you unpopular."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>No good man ever became suddenly rich.&mdash;<i>Syrus</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">And all to leave what with his toil he won,</p>
+<p class="i2">To that unfeather'd two-legged thing, a son.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Dryden</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Capitalists.</p>
+<a name="H424" id="H424"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MINORITIES</h3>
+<p>Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of
+his plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience:</p>
+<p>"What do you think of it?"</p>
+<p>This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man
+in the pit assembled his scattered wits and cried:</p>
+<p>"Rotten!"</p>
+<p>Shaw made a curtsey and melted the house with one of his Irish
+smiles.</p>
+<p>"My friend," he said, shrugging his shoulders and indicating the
+crowd in front, "I quite agree with you, but what are we two
+against so many?"</p>
+<a name="H425" id="H425"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MISERS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was an old man of Nantucket</p>
+<p class="i2">Who kept all his cash in a bucket;</p>
+<p class="i4">But his daughter, named Nan,</p>
+<p class="i4">Ran away with a man&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">And as for the bucket, Nantucket.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die
+rich.&mdash;<i>Robert Burton</i>.</p>
+<a name="H426" id="H426"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MISSIONARIES</h3>
+<p>SHE&mdash;"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched
+cannibals!"</p>
+<p>HE&mdash;"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste
+in religion!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a
+large city church a discussion arose among the members present as
+to the race of people that inhabited a far-away land. Some insisted
+that they were not a man-eating people; others that they were known
+to be cannibals. However, the question was finally decided by a
+minister's widow, who said:</p>
+<p>"I beg pardon for interrupting, Mrs. Chairman, but I can assure
+you that they are cannibals. My husband was a missionary there and
+they ate him."</p>
+<a name="H427" id="H427"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MISSIONS</h3>
+<p>"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale,
+as she entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was
+stuffing broken toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general
+debris into an open box.</p>
+<p>"Why, mother," cried Hilda, "can't you see? I'm packing a
+missionary box just the way the ladies do; and it's all right," she
+added reassuringly, "I haven't put in a single thing that's any
+good at all!"</p>
+<a name="H428" id="H428"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MISTAKEN IDENTITY</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young fellow named Paul,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who went to a fancy dress ball;</p>
+<p class="i4">They say, just for fun</p>
+<p class="i4">He dressed up like a bun,</p>
+<p class="i2">And was "et" by a dog in the hall.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London,
+entered a bric-a-brac shop, in search of something odd to take home
+to Scotland with her. After she had inspected several articles, but
+had found none to suit her, she noticed a quaint figure, the head
+and shoulders of which appeared above the counter.</p>
+<p>"What is that Japanese idol over there worth?" she inquired of
+the salesman.</p>
+<p>The salesman's reply was given in a subdued tone:</p>
+<p>"About half a million, madam. That's the proprietor!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The late James McNeil Whistler was standing bareheaded in a hat
+shop, the clerk having taken his hat to another part of the shop
+for comparison. A man rushed in with his hat in his hand, and,
+supposing Whistler to be a clerk angrily confronted him.</p>
+<p>"See here," he said, "this hat doesn't fit."</p>
+<p>Whistler eyed the stranger critically from head to foot, and
+then drawled out:</p>
+<p>"Well, neither does your coat. What's more, if you'll pardon my
+saying so, I'll be hanged if I care much for the color of your
+trousers."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The steamer was on the point of leaving, and the passengers
+lounged on the deck and waited for the start. At length one of them
+espied a cyclist in the far distance, and it soon became evident
+that he was doing his level best to catch the boat.</p>
+<p>Already the sailors' hands were on the gangways, and the
+cyclist's chance looked small indeed. Then a sportive passenger
+wagered a sovereign to a shilling that he would miss it. The offer
+was taken, and at once the deck became a scene of wild
+excitement.</p>
+<p>"He'll miss it."</p>
+<p>"No; he'll just do it."</p>
+<p>"Come on!"</p>
+<p>"He won't do it."</p>
+<p>"Yes, he will. He's done it. Hurrah!"</p>
+<p>In the very nick of time the cyclist arrived, sprang off his
+machine, and ran up the one gangway left.</p>
+<p>"Cast off!" he cried.</p>
+<p>It was the captain.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Much to the curious little girl's disgust, her elder sister and
+her girl friends had quickly closed the door of the back parlor,
+before she could wedge her small self in among them.</p>
+<p>She waited uneasily for a little while, then she knocked. No
+response. She knocked again. Still no attention. Her curiosity
+could be controlled no longer. "Dodo!" she called in staccato tones
+as she knocked once again. "'Tain't me! It's Mamma!"</p>
+<a name="H429" id="H429"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MOLLYCODDLES</h3>
+<p>"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's
+mother, who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a
+new boy on the block. "I thought you were such good chums."</p>
+<p>"We was," replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a mollycoddle.
+He paid t' git into the ball-grounds."</p>
+<a name="H430" id="H430"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MONEY</h3>
+<p>In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks
+for children.</p>
+<p>One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and
+withdrew 2 cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly
+returned the money.</p>
+<p>"So you didn't spend your 2 cents?" observed the worker in
+charge.</p>
+<p>"Oh, no," he replied, "but a fellow just likes to have a little
+cash on hand over Sunday."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Domestic finance.</p>
+<a name="H431" id="H431"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MORAL EDUCATION</h3>
+<p>Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were
+playing quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his
+cheek. An interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had
+hit the other who had done nothing.</p>
+<p>"Well," replied the pugilistic one, "last Sunday our lesson in
+Sunday-school was about if a fellow hit you on the left cheek turn
+the other and get another crack, and I just wanted to see if Bobbie
+knew his lesson."</p>
+<a name="H432" id="H432"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MOSQUITOES</h3>
+<p>Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in
+Oklahoma City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he
+made:</p>
+<p>"A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern
+colonel on a fishing-trip. It was his first visit to the South, and
+the mosquitoes were so bothersome that he was unable to sleep,
+while at the same time he could hear his friend snoring
+audibly.</p>
+<p>"The next morning he approached the old darky who was doing the
+cooking.</p>
+<p>"'Jim,' he said, 'how is it the colonel is able to sleep so
+soundly with so many mosquitoes around?'</p>
+<p>"'I'll tell yo', boss,' the darky replied, 'de fust part of de
+night de kernel is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de skeeters, and
+de last part of de night de skeeters is too full to pay any
+'tenshum to de kernel.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Applause; New Jersey.</p>
+<a name="H433" id="H433"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MOTHERS</h3>
+<p>While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of
+General Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses
+driven before a plow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never
+seen. When his eyes had feasted on their beauty he cried to the
+driver: "Hello good fellow! I must have those horses. They are just
+such animals as I have been looking for."</p>
+<p>The black man grinned, rolled up the whites of his eyes, put the
+lash to the horses' flanks and turned up another furrow in the rich
+soil.</p>
+<p>The officer waited until he had finished the row; then throwing
+back his cavalier cloak the ensign of the rank dazzled the slave's
+eyes.</p>
+<p>"Better see missus! Better see missus!" he cried waving his hand
+to the south, where above the cedar growth rose the towers of a
+fine old Virginia mansion.</p>
+<p>The officer turned up the carriage road and soon was rapping the
+great brass knocker of the front door.</p>
+<p>Quickly the door swung upon its ponderous hinges and a grave,
+majestic-looking woman confronted the visitor with an air of
+inquiry.</p>
+<p>"Madam," said the officer doffing his cap and overcome by her
+dignity, "I have come to claim your horses in the name of the
+Government."</p>
+<p>"My horses?" said she, bending upon him a pair of eyes born to
+command. "Sir, you cannot have them. My crops are out and I need my
+horses in the field."</p>
+<p>"I am sorry," said the officer, "but I must have them, madam.
+Such are the orders of my chief."</p>
+<p>"Your chief? Who is your chief, pray?" she demanded with
+restrained warmth.</p>
+<p>"The commander of the American army, General George Washington,"
+replied the other, squaring his shoulders and swelling his
+pride.</p>
+<p>A smile of triumph softened the sternness of the woman's
+features. "You go and tell General George Washington for me," said
+she, "that his mother says he cannot have her horses."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The wagons of "the greatest show on earth" passed up the avenue
+at daybreak. Their incessant rumbling soon awakened ten-year-old
+Billie and five-year-old brother Robert. Their mother feigned sleep
+as the two white-robed figures crept past her bed into the hall, on
+the way to investigate. Robert struggled manfully with the
+unaccustomed task of putting on his clothes. "Wait for me, Billie,"
+his mother heard him beg. "You'll get ahead of me."</p>
+<p>"Get mother to help you," counseled Billie, who was having
+troubles of his own.</p>
+<p>Mother started to the rescue, and then paused as she heard the
+voice of her younger, guarded but anxious and insistent.</p>
+<p>"<i>You</i> ask her, Billie. You've known her longer than I
+have."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A little girl, being punished by her mother flew, white with
+rage, to her desk, wrote on a piece of paper, and then going out in
+the yard she dug a hole in the ground, put the paper in it and
+covered it over. The mother, being interested in her child's
+doings, went out after the little girl had gone away, dug up the
+paper and read:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p><i>Dear Devil</i>:<br />
+Please come and take my mamma away.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One morning a little girl hung about the kitchen bothering the
+busy cook to death. The cook lost patience finally. "Clear out o'
+here, ye sassy little brat!" she shouted, thumping the table with a
+rolling-pin.</p>
+<p>The little girl gave the cook a haughty look. "I never allow any
+one but my mother to speak to me like that," she said.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The public-spirited lady met the little boy on the street.
+Something about his appearance halted her. She stared at him in her
+near-sighted way.</p>
+<p>THE LADY&mdash;"Little boy, haven't you any home?"</p>
+<p>THE LITTLE BOY&mdash;"Oh, yes'm; I've got a home."</p>
+<p>THE LADY&mdash;"And loving parents?"</p>
+<p>THE LITTLE BOY&mdash;"Yes'm."</p>
+<p>THE LADY&mdash;"I'm afraid you do not know what love really is.
+Do your parents look after your moral welfare?"</p>
+<p>THE LITTLE BOY&mdash;"Yes'm."</p>
+<p>THE LADY&mdash;"Are they bringing you up to be a good and
+helpful citizen?"</p>
+<p>THE LITTLE BOY&mdash;"Yes'm."</p>
+<p>THE LADY&mdash;"Will you ask your mother to come and hear me
+talk on 'When Does a Mother's Duty to Her Child Begin?' next
+Saturday afternoon, at three o'clock, at Lyceum Hall?"</p>
+<p>THE LITTLE BOY (explosively)&mdash;"What's th' matter with you
+ma! Don't you know me? I'm your little boy!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the happiest hours of my life&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Spent in the arms of another man's wife:</p>
+<p class="i4">My mother!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">Happy he</p>
+<p class="i2">With such a mother! faith in womankind</p>
+<p class="i2">Beats with his blood, and trust in all things
+high</p>
+<p class="i2">Comes easy to him, and though he trip and fall,</p>
+<p class="i2">He shall not blind his soul with clay.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Tennyson</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">Women know</p>
+<p class="i2">The way to rear up children (to be just);</p>
+<p class="i2">They know a simple, merry, tender knack</p>
+<p class="i2">Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes,</p>
+<p class="i2">And stringing pretty words that make no sense,</p>
+<p class="i2">And kissing full sense into empty words;</p>
+<p class="i2">Which things are corals to cut life upon,</p>
+<p class="i2">Although such trifles.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>E. B. Browning</i></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H434" id="H434"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MOTHERS-IN-LAW</h3>
+<p>Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man.</p>
+<p>"Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for
+bigamy?"</p>
+<p>Justice Brewer smiled and answered:</p>
+<p>"Two mothers-in-law."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SHE&mdash;"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?"</p>
+<p>HE&mdash;"By Jove! I hadn't thought of that."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>WAITER&mdash;"Have another glass, sir?"</p>
+<p>HUSBAND (to his wife)&mdash;"Shall I have another glass,
+Henrietta?"</p>
+<p>WIFE (to her mother)&mdash;"Shall he have another, mother?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A blackmailer wrote the following to a wealthy business man:
+"Send me $5,000 or I will abduct your mother-in-law."</p>
+<p>To which the business man replied: "Sorry I am short of funds,
+but your proposition interests me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An undertaker telegraphed to a man that his mother-in-law had
+died and asked whether he should bury, embalm or cremate her. The
+man replied, "All three, take no chances."</p>
+<a name="H435" id="H435"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MOTORCYCLES</h3>
+<p>The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one
+community, and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one
+go by without any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged,
+however, when a motorcycle followed closely in its wake and
+disappeared like a flash around a bend in the road.</p>
+<p>"Gee whiz!" he said, turning to his son, "who'd 'a' s'posed that
+thing had a colt?"</p>
+<a name="H436" id="H436"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MOUNTAINS</h3>
+<p>Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of
+having victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them
+(at long range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of
+mountains. It is said that the captain of a steamboat on Kootenay
+Lake once heard a great splash in the water. Looking over the rail,
+he spied the head of a man who was swimming toward his boat. He
+hailed him. "Do you know," said the swimmer, "this is the third
+time to-day that I've fallen off that bally old ranch of mine?"</p>
+<a name="H437" id="H437"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MOVING PICTURES</h3>
+<p>"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest."
+"Not exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to
+be. This revolution is being financed by a moving-picture
+concern."</p>
+<a name="H438" id="H438"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MUCK-RAKING</h3>
+<p>The way of the transgressor is well written up.</p>
+<a name="H439" id="H439"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MULES</h3>
+<p>Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious
+principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty
+equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known
+all through the army as the Christian brigade, and he was very
+proud of it.</p>
+<p>There was one hardened old sinner in the brigade, however, whose
+ears were deaf to all exhortation. General Howard was particularly
+anxious to convert this man, and one day he went down in the
+teamsters' part of the camp where the man was on duty. He talked
+with him long and earnestly about religion and finally said:</p>
+<p>"I want to see you converted. Won't you come to the mourners'
+bench at the next service?"</p>
+<p>The erring one rubbed his head thoughtfully for a moment and
+then replied:</p>
+<p>"General, I'm plumb willin' to be converted, but if I am, seein'
+that everyone else has got religion, who in blue blazes is goin' to
+drive the mules?"</p>
+<a name="H440" id="H440"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT</h3>
+<p>"What's the trouble in Plunkville?"</p>
+<p>"We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission."</p>
+<p>"Well?"</p>
+<p>"Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to
+some good magazine."</p>
+<a name="H441" id="H441"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MUSEUMS</h3>
+<p>It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who
+took six of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but
+their enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their
+open-eyed wonder at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid her.</p>
+<p>"Well, boys, where have you been all afternoon?" asked the
+father of two of the party that evening.</p>
+<p>The answer came back with joyous promptness: "Oh, pop! Teacher
+took us to a dead circus."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two Marylanders, who were visiting the National Museum at
+Washington, were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, over
+which hung a placard bearing the inscription. "B.C. 1187."</p>
+<p>Both visitors were much mystified thereby. Said one:</p>
+<p>"What do you make of that, Bill?"</p>
+<p>"Well," said Bill, "I dunno; but maybe it was the number of the
+motor-car that killed him."&mdash;<i>Edwin Tarrisse</i>.</p>
+<a name="H442" id="H442"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MUSIC</h3>
+<p>The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the
+piano player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in
+the lady who stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the
+dots on her veil.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A thief broke into a Madison avenue mansion early the other
+morning and found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps
+approaching, he took refuge behind a screen.</p>
+<p>From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing
+lesson.</p>
+<p>From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano
+lesson.</p>
+<p>From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin
+lesson.</p>
+<p>From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the
+flute.</p>
+<p>At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and
+studied an ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and
+flute.</p>
+<p>The thief staggered out from behind the screen at
+twelve-forty-five, and falling at their feet, cried:</p>
+<p>"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A lady told Swinburne that she would render on the piano a very
+ancient Florentine retornello which had just been discovered. She
+then played "Three blind mice" and Swinburne was enchanted. He
+found that it reflected to perfection the cruel beauty of the
+Medicis&mdash;which, perhaps, it does.&mdash;<i>Edmund
+Gosse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The accomplished and obliging pianist had rendered several
+selections, when one of the admiring group of listeners in the
+hotel parlor suggested Mozart's Twelfth Mass. Several people echoed
+the request, but one lady was particularly desirous of hearing the
+piece, explaining that her husband had belonged to that very
+regiment.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Dinner was a little late. A guest asked the hostess to play
+something. Seating herself at the piano, the good woman executed a
+Chopin nocturne with precision. She finished, and there was still
+an interval of waiting to be bridged. In the grim silence she
+turned to an old gentleman on her right and said:</p>
+<p>"Would you like a sonata before going in to dinner?"</p>
+<p>He gave a start of surprise and pleasure as he responded
+briskly:</p>
+<p>"Why, yes, thanks! I had a couple on my way here, but I could
+stand another."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Music is the universal language of
+mankind.&mdash;<i>Longfellow</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I even think that, sentimentally, I am disposed to harmony. But
+organically I am incapable of a tune.&mdash;<i>Charles
+Lamb</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There's music in the sighing of a reed;</p>
+<p class="i2">There's music in the gushing of a rill;</p>
+<p class="i2">There's music in all things, if men had ears:</p>
+<p class="i2">Their earth is but an echo of the spheres.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Byron</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H443" id="H443"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>MUSICIANS</h3>
+<p>FATHER&mdash;"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet'
+next door to your house, as I suggested?"</p>
+<p>BOY&mdash;"Yes, sir."</p>
+<p>FATHER-"And what did he say?"</p>
+<p>BOY&mdash;"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had
+better give up playin' the pianner."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The "celebrated pianiste," Miss Sharpe, had concluded her
+recital. As the resultant applause was terminating, Mrs. Rochester
+observed Colonel Grayson wiping his eyes. The old gentleman noticed
+her look, and, thinking it one of inquiry, began to explain the
+cause of his sadness. "The girl's playing," he told the lady,
+"reminded me so much of the playing of her father. He used to be a
+chum of mine in the Army of the Potomac."</p>
+<p>"Oh, indeed!" cooed Mrs. Rochester, with a conventional show of
+interest. "I never knew her father was a piano-player."</p>
+<p>"He wasn't," replied the Colonel. "He was a
+drummer."&mdash;<i>G.T. Evans</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Recipe for an orchestra leader:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Four hundred and twenty-two movements&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Emanuel, Swedish and Swiss&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">It's a wonder the hand can keep playing,</p>
+<p class="i4">You'd think they'd die laughing at this!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">'Tis God gives skill,</p>
+<p class="i2">But not without men's hands: He could not make</p>
+<p class="i2">Antonio Stradivari's violins</p>
+<p class="i2">Without Antonio.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>George Eliot</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H444" id="H444"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>NAMES, PERSONAL</h3>
+<p>Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I.
+Zangwill. He was once approached at a reception by a fussy old
+lady, who demanded, "Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian
+name?"</p>
+<p>"Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.&mdash;<i>John
+Pearson</i>.</p>
+<p>FRIEND-"So your great Russian actor was a total failure?"</p>
+<p>MANAGER-"Yes. It took all our profits to pay for running the
+electric light sign with his name on it."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A somewhat unpatriotic little son of Italy, twelve years old,
+came to his teacher in the public school and asked if he could not
+have his name changed.</p>
+<p>"Why do you wish to change your name?" the teacher asked.</p>
+<p>"I want to be an American. I live in America now. I no longer
+want to be a Dago."</p>
+<p>"What American name would you like to have?"</p>
+<p>"I have it here," he said, handing the teacher a dirty scrap of
+paper on which was written&mdash;Patrick Dennis McCarty.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A shy young man once said to a young lady: "I wish dear, that we
+were on such terms of intimacy that you would not mind calling me
+by my first name."</p>
+<p>"Oh," she replied, "your second name is good enough for me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An American travelling in Europe engaged a courier. Arriving at
+an inn in Austria, the man asked his servant to enter his name in
+accordance with the police regulations of that country. Some time
+after, the man asked the servant if he had complied with his
+orders.</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir," was the reply.</p>
+<p>"How did you write my name?" asked the master.</p>
+<p>"Well, sir, I can't pronounce it," answered the servant, "but I
+copied it from your portmanteau, sir."</p>
+<p>"Why, my name isn't there. Bring me the book." The register was
+brought, and, instead of the plain American name of two syllables,
+the following entry was revealed:</p>
+<p class="center">"Monsieur Warranted Solid Leather."</p>
+<p>&mdash;<i>M.A. Hitchcock</i>.</p>
+<p>The story is told of Helen Hunt, the famous author of
+"Ramona," that one morning after church service she found a purse
+full of money and told her pastor about it.</p>
+<p>"Very well," he said, "you keep it, and at the evening service I
+will announce it," which he did in this wise:</p>
+<p>"This morning there was found in this church a purse filled with
+money. If the owner is present he or she can go to Helen Hunt for
+it."</p>
+<p>And the minister wondered why the congregation tittered!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the
+attention of the pretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had
+about given up, the girl, entirely unconscious of what had been
+going on, happened to glance in his direction. The "masher"
+immediately took fresh courage.</p>
+<p>"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured.</p>
+<p>The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say.</p>
+<p>"My name is Specknoodle," he volunteered.</p>
+<p>"Oh, I am so sorry," she said sympathetically, as she left the
+car.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The comedian came on with affected diffidence.</p>
+<p>"At our last stand," quoth he, "I noticed a man laughing while I
+was doing my turn. Honest, now! My, how he laughed! He laughed
+until he split. Till he split, mind you. Thinks I to myself, I'll
+just find out about the man and so, when the show was over, I went
+up to him.</p>
+<p>"My friend," says I, "I've heard that there's nothing in a name,
+but are you not one of the Wood family?"</p>
+<p>"I am," says he, "and what's more, my grandfather was a
+Pine!"</p>
+<p>"No Wood, you know, splits any easier than a
+Pine."&mdash;<i>Ramsey Benson</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"But Eliza," said the mistress, "your little boy was christened
+George Washington. Why do you call him Izaak Walton? Walton, you
+know, was the famous fisherman."</p>
+<p>"Yes'm," answered Eliza, "but dat chile's repetashun fo' telling
+de troof made dat change imper'tive."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The mother of the girl baby, herself named Rachel, frankly told
+her husband that she was tired of the good old names borne by most
+of the eminent members of the family, and she would like to give
+the little girl a name entirely different. Then she wrote on a slip
+of paper "Eug&eacute;nie," and asked her husband if he didn't think
+that was a pretty name.</p>
+<p>The father studied the name for a moment and then said: "Vell,
+call her Yousheenie, but I don't see vat you gain by it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a great swell in Japan,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whose name on a Tuesday began;</p>
+<p class="i4">It lasted through Sunday</p>
+<p class="i4">Till twilight on Monday,</p>
+<p class="i2">And sounded like stones in a can.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>He was a young lawyer who had just started practicing in a small
+town and hung his sign outside of his office door. It read: "A.
+Swindler." A stranger who called to consult him saw the sign and
+said: "My goodness, man, look at that sign! Don't you see how it
+reads? Put in your first name&mdash;Alexander, Ambrose or whatever
+it is."</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes I know," said the lawyer resignedly, "but I don't
+exactly like to do it."</p>
+<p>"Why not?" asked the client. "It looks mighty bad as it is. What
+is your first name?"</p>
+<p>"Adam."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Who hath not own'd, with rapture-smitten frame,</p>
+<p class="i2">The power of grace, the magic of a name.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Campbell</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H445" id="H445"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>NATIVES</h3>
+<p>FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)&mdash;"Seventh standard, is she?
+Plays the planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet."</p>
+<p>FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT&mdash;"I've no doubt that's meant to be
+very funny, Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' your
+ignorance; they ain't natives in France&mdash;they're as white as
+wot we are."&mdash;<i>Sketch</i>.</p>
+<a name="H446" id="H446"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>NATURE LOVERS</h3>
+<p>"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?"</p>
+<p>"What for?"</p>
+<p>"For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and
+he hasn't heard a robin this summer."</p>
+<a name="H447" id="H447"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>NAVIGATION</h3>
+<p>The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady
+asked the Captain why he didn't go on.</p>
+<p>"Can't see up the river, madam."</p>
+<p>"But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the stars
+overhead."</p>
+<p>"Yes, ma'am," said the Captain, "but until the boilers bust we
+ain't goin' that way."</p>
+<a name="H448" id="H448"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>NEATNESS</h3>
+<p>The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of
+common remark, and husbands in that part of the country are
+supposed to appreciate their advantages.</p>
+<p>A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be
+another side to the matter.</p>
+<p>"Martha, have you wiped the sink dry yet?" asked the farmer, as
+he made final preparations for the night.</p>
+<p>"Yes, Josiah," she replied. "Why do you ask?"</p>
+<p>"Well, I did want a drink, but I guess I can get along until
+morning."</p>
+<a name="H449" id="H449"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>NEGROES</h3>
+<p>A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o'
+cou't-plaster."</p>
+<p>"What color," he asked.</p>
+<p>"Flesh cullah, suh."</p>
+<p>Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster.</p>
+<p>The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous,
+but her face was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents
+and said:</p>
+<p>"I ast for flesh cullah, an' you done give me skin cullah." A
+cart containing a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a
+mule. The driver, a darky of about twenty, was endeavoring to
+induce the mule to increase its speed, when suddenly the animal let
+fly with its heels and dealt him such a kick on the head that he
+was stretched on the ground in a twinkling. He lay rubbing his
+woolly pate where the mule had kicked him.</p>
+<p>"Is he hurt?" asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who
+had jumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate
+driver.</p>
+<p>"No, Boss," was the older man's reply; "dat mule will probably
+walk kind o' tendah for a day or two, but he ain't hurt."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English
+with a broad brogue. They are probably descended from the slaves of
+the Irish adventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers.</p>
+<p>A gentleman from Dublin upon arriving at a West Indian port was
+accosted by a burly negro fruit vender with, "Th, top uv th'
+mornin' to ye, an' would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit,
+sor?"</p>
+<p>The Irishman stared at him in amazement.</p>
+<p>"An' how long have ye been here?" he finally asked.</p>
+<p>"Goin' on three months, yer Honor," said the vender, thinking of
+the time he had left his inland home.</p>
+<p>"Three months, is it? Only three months an' as black as thot?
+Faith, I'll not land!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Dinah, crying bitterly, was coming down the street with her feet
+bandaged.</p>
+<p>"Why, what on earth's the matter?" she was asked. "How did you
+hurt your feet, Dinah?"</p>
+<p>"Dat good fo' nothin' nigger [sniffle] done hit me on de haid
+wif a club while I was standin' on de hard stone pavement."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"'Liza, what fo' yo' buy dat udder box of shoe-blacknin'?"</p>
+<p>"Go on, Nigga', dat ain't shoe-blacknin', dat's ma massage
+cream!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Johnny," said the mother as she vigorously scrubbed the small
+boy's face with soap and water, "didn't I tell you never to blacken
+your face again? Here I've been scrubbing for half an hour and it
+won't come off."</p>
+<p>"I&mdash;I&mdash;ouch!" sputtered the small boy; "I ain't your
+little boy. I&mdash;ouch! I'se Mose, de colored lady's little
+boy."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The day before she was to be married an old negro servant came
+to her mistress and intrusted her savings to her keeping.</p>
+<p>"Why should I keep your money for you? I thought you were going
+to be married?" said the mistress.</p>
+<p>"So I is, Missus, but do you 'spose I'd keep all dis yer money
+in de house wid dat strange nigger?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George.
+George received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had
+his eyes on a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing
+out fast enough to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters
+somewhat by rubbing grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the
+spot, he called George and asked if he had noticed it. George said,
+"Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed dat spot and tried mighty hard to get
+it out, but I couldn't."</p>
+<p>"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked.</p>
+<p>"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good."</p>
+<p>"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of,
+but dat spot wouldn't come out."</p>
+<p>"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a
+last resort.</p>
+<p>"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll
+fit."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A negro went into a hardware shop and asked to be shown some
+razors, and after critically examining those submitted to him the
+would-be purchaser was asked why he did not try a "safety," to
+which he replied: "I ain' lookin' for that kind. I wants this for
+social purposes."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Before a house where a colored man had died, a small darkey was
+standing erect at one side of the door. It was about time for the
+services to begin, and the parson appeared from within and said to
+the darkey: "De services are about to begin. Aren't you a-gwine
+in?"</p>
+<p>"I'se would if I'se could, parson," answered the little negro,
+"but yo' see I'se de crape."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Chicken stealing.</p>
+<a name="H450" id="H450"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>NEIGHBORS</h3>
+<p>THE MAN AT THE DOOR&mdash;"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner."</p>
+<p>THE WOMAN&mdash;"I didn't send for a piano-tuner."</p>
+<p>THE MAN&mdash;"I know it, lady; the neighbors did."</p>
+<a name="H451" id="H451"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>NEW JERSEY</h3>
+<p>"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and
+mosquitoes swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner
+who had been cast upon the Jersey sands.</p>
+<p>"You just bet I had a terrible experience," he acknowledged. "My
+experience was worse than that of the man who wrote 'Water, water
+everywhere, but not a drop to drink.' With me it was bites, bites
+everywhere, but not a bite to eat."</p>
+<a name="H452" id="H452"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>NEW YORK CITY</h3>
+<p>At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the
+Bishop of New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and
+possibilities of his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like
+all good Californians, is imbued with the conviction that it would
+be hard to equal a place he knows of on the Pacific, and following
+the Bishop of New York he gave a glowing picture of California,
+concluding:</p>
+<p>"Not only is it the best place on earth to live in, but it has
+superior advantages, too, as a place to die in; for there we have
+at our threshold the beautiful Golden Gate, while in New York they
+only have&mdash;well, you know which gate it is over at New York!"
+One night Dave Warfield was playing at David Belasco's new theatre,
+supported by one of Mr. Belasco's new companies. The performance
+ran with a smoothness of a Standard Oil lawyer explaining rebates
+to a Federal court. A worthy person of the farming classes, sitting
+in G 14, was plainly impressed. In an interval between the acts he
+turned to the metropolitan who had the seat next him.</p>
+<p>"Where do all them troopers come from?" he inquired.</p>
+<p>"I don't think I understand," said the city-dweller.</p>
+<p>"I mean them actors up yonder on the stage," explained the man
+from afar. "Was they brought on specially for this show, or do they
+live here?"</p>
+<p>"I believe most of them live here in town," said the New
+Yorker.</p>
+<p>"Well, they do purty blamed well for home talent," said the
+stranger.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A traveler in Tennessee came across an aged negro seated in
+front of his cabin door basking in the sunshine.</p>
+<p>"He could have walked right on the stage for an Uncle Tom part
+without a line of makeup," says the traveler. "He must have been
+eighty years of age."</p>
+<p>"Good morning, uncle," says the stranger.</p>
+<p>"Mornin', sah! Mornin'," said the aged one. Then he added, "Be
+you the gentleman over yonder from New York?"</p>
+<p>Being told that such was the case the old darky said; "Do you
+mind telling me something that has been botherin' my old haid? I
+have got a grandson&mdash;he runs on the Pullman cyars&mdash;and he
+done tell me that up thar in New York you-all burn up youah folks
+when they die. He is a poherful liar, and I don't believe him."</p>
+<p>"Yes," replied the other, "that is the truth in some cases. We
+call it cremation."</p>
+<p>"Well, you suttenly surprise me," said the negro and then he
+paused as if in deep reflection. Finally he said: "You-all know I
+am a Baptist. I believe in the resurrection and the life
+everlastin' and the coming of the Angel Gabriel and the blowin' of
+that great horn, and Lawdy me, how am they evah goin' to find them
+folks on that great mawnin'?"</p>
+<p>It was too great a task for an offhand answer, and the
+suggestion was made that the aged one consult his minister. Again
+the negro fell into a brown study, and then he raised his head and
+his eyes twinkled merrily, and he said in a soft voice:</p>
+<p>"Meanin' no offense, sah, but from what Ah have heard about New
+York I kinder calcerlate they is a lot of them New York people that
+doan' wanter be found on that mornin'."</p>
+<a name="H453" id="H453"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>NEWS</h3>
+<p>Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg,
+Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece
+of newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught
+there. Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, he
+cried, "Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all
+the news out!"&mdash;<i>Sue M.M. Halsey</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Our whole neighborhood has been stirred up," said the regular
+reader.</p>
+<p>The editor of the country weekly seized his pen. "Tell me about
+it," he said. "What we want is news. What stirred it up?"</p>
+<p>"Plowing," said the farmer.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There is nothing new except what is
+forgotten.&mdash;<i>Mademoiselle Berlin</i>.</p>
+<a name="H454" id="H454"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>NEWSPAPERS</h3>
+<p>A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot
+of newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you
+tired, my boy?"</p>
+<p>"Naw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>VOX POPULI&mdash;"Do you think you've boosted your circulation
+by giving a year's subscription for the biggest potato raised in
+the county?"</p>
+<p>THE EDITOR&mdash;"Mebbe not; but I got four barrels of
+samples."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>COLONEL HIGHFLYER&mdash;"What are your rates per column?"</p>
+<p>EDITOR OF "SWELL SOCIETY"&mdash;"For insertion or
+suppression?"&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>EDITOR&mdash;"You wish a position as a proofreader?"</p>
+<p>APPLICANT&mdash;"Yes, sir."</p>
+<p>"Do you understand the requirements of that responsible
+position?"</p>
+<p>"Perfectly, sir. Whenever you make any mistakes in the paper,
+just blame 'em on me, and I'll never say a word."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A prominent Montana newspaper man was making the round of the
+insane asylum of that state in an official capacity as an
+inspector. One of the inmates mistook him for a recent arrival.</p>
+<p>"What made you go crazy?"</p>
+<p>"I was trying to make money out of the newspaper business,"
+replied the editor, to humor the demented one.</p>
+<p>"Rats, you're not crazy; you're just a plain darn fool," was the
+lunatic's comment.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Did you write this report on my lecture, 'The Curse of
+Whiskey'?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, madam."</p>
+<p>"Then kindly explain what you mean by saying, 'The lecturer was
+evidently full of her subject!'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>We clip the following for the benefit of those who doubt the
+power of the press:</p>
+<p>"Owing to the overcrowded condition of our columns, a number of
+births and deaths are unavoidably postponed this week."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Binks has sued us for libel," announced the assistant editor of
+the sensational paper.</p>
+<p>The managing editor's face brightened.</p>
+<p>"Tell him," he said, "that if he will put up a strong fight
+we'll cheerfully pay the damages and charge them up to the
+advertising account."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Booth Tarkington says that in no state have the newspapers more
+"journalistic enterprise" than in his native Indiana. While
+stopping at a little Hoosier hotel in the course of a hunting trip
+Mr. Tarkington lost one of his dogs.</p>
+<p>"Have you a newspaper in town?" he asked of the landlord.</p>
+<p>"Right across the way, there, back of the shoemaker's," the
+landlord told him. "The <i>Daily News</i>&mdash;best little paper
+of its size in the state."</p>
+<p>The editor, the printer, and the printer's devil were all busy
+doing justice to Mr. Tarkington with an "in-our-midst" paragraph
+when the novelist arrived.</p>
+<p>"I've just lost a dog," Tarkington explained after he had
+introduced himself, "and I'd like to have you insert this ad for
+me: 'Fifty dollars reward for the return of a pointer dog answering
+to the name of Rex. Disappeared from the yard of the Mansion House
+Monday night.'"</p>
+<p>"Why, we are just going to press, sir," the editor said, "but
+we'll be only too glad to hold the edition for your ad."</p>
+<p>Mr. Tarkington returned to the hotel. After a few minutes he
+decided, however, that it might be well to add, "No questions
+asked" to his advertisement, and returned to the <i>Daily News</i>
+office.</p>
+<p>The place was deserted, save for the skinny little freckle-faced
+devil, who sat perched on a high stool, gazing wistfully out of the
+window.</p>
+<p>"Where is everybody?" Tarkington asked.</p>
+<p>"Gawn to hunt for th' dawg," replied the boy.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"You are the greatest inventor in the world," exclaimed a
+newspaper man to Alexander Graham Bell.</p>
+<p>"Oh, no, my friend, I'm not," said Professor Bell. "I've never
+been a reporter."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Not long ago a city editor in Ottumwa, Iowa, was told over the
+telephone that a prominent citizen had just died suddenly. He
+called a reporter and told him to rush out and get the "story."
+Twenty minutes later the reporter returned, sat down at his desk,
+and began to rattle off copy on his typewriter.</p>
+<p>"Well, what about it?" asked the city editor.</p>
+<p>"Oh, nothing much," replied the reporter, without looking up.
+"He was walking along the street when he suddenly clasped his hands
+to his heart and said, 'I'm going to die!' Then he leaned up
+against a fence and made good."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Enraged over something the local newspaper had printed about
+him, a subscriber burst into the editor's office in search of the
+responsible reporter. "Who are you?" he demanded, glaring at the
+editor, who was also the main stockholder.</p>
+<p>"I'm the newspaper," was the calm reply.</p>
+<p>"And who are you?" he next inquired, turning his resentful gaze
+on the chocolate-colored office-devil clearing out the waste
+basket.</p>
+<p>"Me?" rejoined the darky, grinning from ear to ear. "Ah guess
+ah's de cul'ud supplement."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand
+bayonets.&mdash;<i>Napoleon I</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Newspapers always excite curiosity. No one ever lays one down
+without a feeling of disappointment.&mdash;<i>Charles Lamb</i>.</p>
+<a name="H455" id="H455"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OBESITY</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Corpulence.</p>
+<a name="H456" id="H456"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OBITUARIES</h3>
+<p>If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills,
+cramps, corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a
+sign that you are not well, but liable to die any minute. Pay your
+subscription in advance and thus make yourself solid for a good
+obituary notice.&mdash;<i>Mountain Echo</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See</i> also Epitaphs.</p>
+<a name="H457" id="H457"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OBSERVATION</h3>
+<p>In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an
+ambitious father tried to give some good advice.</p>
+<p>"Be observing, my son," said the father on one occasion.
+"Cultivate the habit of seeing, and you will be a successful man.
+Study things and remember them. Don't go through the world blindly.
+Learn to use your eyes. Boys who are observing know a great deal
+more than those who are not."</p>
+<p>Willie listened in silence.</p>
+<p>Several days later when the entire family, consisting of his
+mother, aunt and uncle, were present, his father said:</p>
+<p>"Well, Willie, have you kept using your eyes as I advised you to
+do?"</p>
+<p>Willie nodded, and after a moment's hesitation said:</p>
+<p>"I've seen a few things right around the house. Uncle Jim's got
+a bottle of hair dye hid under his trunk, Aunt Jennie's got an
+extra set of teeth in her dresser, Ma's got some curls in her hat,
+and Pa's got a deck of cards and a box of chips behind the books in
+the secretary."</p>
+<a name="H458" id="H458"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OCCUPATIONS</h3>
+<p>Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was
+entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter
+inquired:</p>
+<p>"An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?"</p>
+<p>"Sure, he's a di'mond-cuttter."</p>
+<p>"Ye don't mane it!"</p>
+<p>"Yis; he cuts th' grass off th' baseball grounds."&mdash;<i>L.F.
+Clarke</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>All business men are apt to use the technical terms of their
+daily labors in situations outside of working hours. One time a
+railroad man was entertaining his pastor at dinner and his sons,
+who had to wait until their elders had finished got into mischief.
+At the end of the meal, their father excused himself for a moment
+saying he had to "switch some empties."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Professor," said Miss Skylight, "I want you to suggest a course
+in life for me. I have thought of journalism&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"What are your own inclinations?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, my soul yearns and throbs and pulsates with an ambition to
+give the world a life-work that shall be marvelous in its scope,
+and weirdly entrancing in the vastness of its structural
+beauty!"</p>
+<p>"Woman, you're born to be a milliner."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A woman, when asked her husband's occupation, said he was a
+mixologist. The city directory called him a bartender.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"A good turkey dinner and mince pie," said a well-known
+after-dinner orator, "always puts us in a lethargic
+mood&mdash;makes us feel, in fact, like the natives of Nola Chucky.
+In Nola Chucky one day I said to a man:</p>
+<p>"'What is the principal occupation of this town?'</p>
+<p>"'Wall, boss,' the man answered, yawning, 'in winter they mostly
+sets on the east side of the house and follers the sun around to
+the west, and in summer they sets on the west side and follers the
+shade around to the east.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>JONES&mdash;"How'd this happen? The last time I was here you
+were running a fish-market, and now you've got a cheese-shop."</p>
+<p>SMITH&mdash;"Yes. Well, you see the doctor said I needed a
+change of air."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I
+were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I
+could work for with a great deal of enjoyment&mdash;<i>Douglas
+Jerrold</i>.</p>
+<a name="H459" id="H459"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OCEAN</h3>
+<p>A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife
+took down from Boston.</p>
+<p>"Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following
+morning.</p>
+<p>"Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the
+ocean kept me awake all night."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Love the sea? I dote upon it&mdash;from the
+beach.&mdash;<i>Douglas Jerrold</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I never was on the dull, tame shore,</p>
+<p class="i2">But I loved the great sea more and more.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Barry Cornwall</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H460" id="H460"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OFFICE BOYS</h3>
+<p>"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?"</p>
+<p>"I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three
+mining-companies now."</p>
+<a name="H461" id="H461"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OFFICE-SEEKERS</h3>
+<p>A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented
+in Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the
+national capitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose
+to be sufficiently prominent to become a congressional subject, and
+he was visited by the central committee of his district to be
+talked to.</p>
+<p>"We want you," said the spokesman, "to accept the nomination for
+Congress."</p>
+<p>"I can't do it, gentlemen," he responded promptly.</p>
+<p>"You must," the spokesman demanded.</p>
+<p>"But I can't," he insisted. "I'm too poor."</p>
+<p>"Oh, that will be all right; we've got plenty of money for the
+campaign."</p>
+<p>"But that is nothing," contended the gentleman; "it's the
+expense in Washington. I've been there, and know all about it."</p>
+<p>"Well you didn't lose by it, and it doesn't cost any more
+because you come from California."</p>
+<p>The gentleman became very earnest.</p>
+<p>"Doesn't it?" he exclaimed in a business-like tone. "Why my dear
+sirs, I used to have to send home every month about half a dozen
+busted office-seeker constituents, and the fare was only $3 apiece,
+and I could stand it, but it would cost me over $100 a head to send
+them out here, and I'm no millionaire; therefore, as much as I
+regret it, I must insist on declining."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"On a trip to Washington," said Col. W.F. Cody. "I had for a
+companion Sousa, the band leader. We had berths opposite each
+other. Early one morning as we approached the capital I thought I
+would have a little fun. I got a morning paper, and, after rustling
+it a few minutes, I said to Sousa:</p>
+<p>"'That's the greatest order Cleveland has just issued!'</p>
+<p>"'What's that?' came from the opposite berth.</p>
+<p>"'Why he's ordered all the office-seekers rounded up at the
+depot and sent home.'</p>
+<p>"You should have seen the general consternation that ensued.
+From almost every berth on the car a head came out from between the
+curtains, and with one accord nearly every man shouted:</p>
+<p>'What's that?'"</p>
+<a name="H462" id="H462"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OLD AGE</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Age.</p>
+<a name="H463" id="H463"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OLD MASTERS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Paintings.</p>
+<a name="H464" id="H464"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ONIONS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Can the Burbanks of the glorious West</p>
+<p class="i4">Either make or buy or sell</p>
+<p class="i2">An onion with an onion's taste</p>
+<p class="i4">But with a violet's smell?</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SHE&mdash;"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor
+away."</p>
+<p>HE&mdash;"Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody
+away."</p>
+<a name="H465" id="H465"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OPERA</h3>
+<p>"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?"
+asked Mrs. Cumrox.</p>
+<p>"There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her
+husband.</p>
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+<p>"Then I guess it's one of them."</p>
+<a name="H466" id="H466"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OPPORTUNITY</h3>
+<p>Many a man creates his own lack of
+opportunities.&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis
+offer'd,</p>
+<p class="i2">Shall never find it more.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">In life's small things be resolute and great</p>
+<p class="i2">To keep thy muscles trained; know'st thou when
+fate</p>
+<p class="i2">Thy measure takes? or when she'll say to thee,</p>
+<p class="i2">"I find thee worthy, do this thing for me!"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Emerson</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H467" id="H467"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OPTIMISM</h3>
+<p>Optimism is Worry on a spree.&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is
+doesn't happen to him.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to
+him.&mdash;<i>J.J. O'Connell</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An optimist is a woman who thinks that everything is for the
+best, and that she is the best.-<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A political optimist is a fellow who can make sweet, pink
+lemonade out of the bitter yellow fruit which his opponents hand
+him.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mayor William S. Jordan, at a Democratic banquet in
+Jacksonville, said of optimism:</p>
+<p>"Let us cultivate optimism and hopefulness. There is nothing
+like it. The optimistic man can see a bright side to
+everything&mdash;everything.</p>
+<p>"A missionary in a slum once laid his hand on a man's shoulder
+and said:</p>
+<p>"'Friend, do you hear the solemn ticking of that clock?
+Tick-tack; tick-tack. And oh, friend, do you know what day it
+inexorably and relentlessly brings nearer?"</p>
+<p>"'Yes-pay day,' the other, an honest, optimistic workingman,
+replied."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Scotsman who has a keen appreciation of the strong
+characteristics of his countrymen delights in the story of a
+druggist known both for his thrift and his philosophy.</p>
+<p>Once he was aroused from a deep sleep by the ringing of his
+night bell. He went down to his little shop and sold a dose of
+rather nauseous medicine to a distressed customer.</p>
+<p>"What profit do you make out of that?" grumbled his wife.</p>
+<p>"A ha'penny," was the cheerful answer.</p>
+<p>"And for that bit of money you'll lie awake maybe an hour," she
+said impatiently.</p>
+<p>"Never grumble o'er that, woman," was his placid answer. "The
+dose will keep him awake all night. We must thank heaven we ha' the
+profit and none o' the pain o' this transaction."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A German shoemaker left the gas turned on in his shop one night
+and upon arriving in the morning struck a match to light it.</p>
+<p>There was a terrific explosion, and the shoemaker was blown out
+through the door almost to the middle of the street.</p>
+<p>A passer-by rushed to his assistance, and, after helping him to
+rise, inquired if he was injured.</p>
+<p>The little German gazed at his place of business, which was now
+burning quite briskly, and said:</p>
+<p>"No, I ain't hurt. But I got out shust in time, eh?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">My own hope is, a sun will pierce</p>
+<p class="i2">The thickest cloud earth ever stretched;</p>
+<p class="i2">That, after Last, returns the First,</p>
+<p class="i2">Tho' a wide compass round be fetched;</p>
+<p class="i2">That what began best, can't prove worst,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor what God blessed once, prove accursed.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Browning</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H468" id="H468"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ORATORS</h3>
+<p>It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd
+on the streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning,
+suh, of the conco's befor' the co't house?"</p>
+<p>To which the majah replied:</p>
+<p>"General Buckneh is making a speech. General Buckneh suh, is a
+bo'n oratah."</p>
+<p>"What do you mean by bo'n oratah?"</p>
+<p>"If you or I, suh, were asked how much two and two make, we
+would reply 'foh.' When this is asked of a bo'n oratah, he replies:
+'When in the co'se of human events it becomes necessary to take an
+integah of the second denomination and add it, suh, to an integah
+of the same denomination, the result, suh&mdash;and I have the
+science of mathematics to back me up in my judgment&mdash;the
+result, suh, and I say it without feah of successful contradiction,
+suh-the result is fo'' That's a bo'n oratah."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When Demosthenes was asked what was the first part of Oratory,
+he answered, "Action," and which was the second, he replied,
+"Action," and which was the third, he still answered
+"Action."&mdash;<i>Plutarch</i>.</p>
+<a name="H469" id="H469"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>OUTDOOR LIFE</h3>
+<p>One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled
+into Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the
+"mule-skinners," to a man, repaired to the Combination Gambling
+House and proceeded to load themselves. Late in the afternoon, Zeb
+White, Smith's oldest skinner, having exchanged all of his hard
+coin for liquid refreshment, zigzagged into the corral, crawled
+under a wagon, and went to sleep. After supper, Smith, making his
+nightly rounds, happened on the sleeping Zeb.</p>
+<p>"Kinder chilly, ain't it?" he asked, after earnestly prodding
+Zeb with a convenient stick.</p>
+<p>"I reckon 'tis," Zeb drowsily mumbled.</p>
+<p>"Ain't yer 'fraid ye'll freeze?"</p>
+<p>'"Tis cold, ain't it? Say, Cap, jest throw on another wagon,
+will yer?"</p>
+<a name="H470" id="H470"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PAINTING</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Art.</p>
+<a name="H471" id="H471"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PAINTINGS</h3>
+<p>She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now
+employed in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and
+enlightening her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they
+reached the best room. "These," said the mistress of the house,
+pausing before an extensive row of masculine portraits, "are very
+valuable, and you must be very careful when dusting. They are old
+masters." Mary's jaw dropped, and a look of intense wonder
+overspread her rubicund face.</p>
+<p>"Lor', mum," she gasped, gazing with bulging eyes on the face of
+her new employer, "lor', mum, who'd ever 'ave thought you'd been
+married all these times!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A picture is a poem without words.&mdash;<i>Cornificus</i>.</p>
+<a name="H472" id="H472"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PANICS</h3>
+<p>One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very
+perceptible odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed
+to be imminent, when an actor appeared on the stage.</p>
+<p>"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is
+no danger."</p>
+<p>The audience did not seem reassured.</p>
+<p>"Ladies and gentlemen," continued the comedian, rising to the
+necessity of the occasion, "confound it all&mdash;do you think if
+there was any danger I'd be here?"</p>
+<p>The panic collapsed.</p>
+<a name="H473" id="H473"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PARENTS</h3>
+<p>William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for
+interrupting while his father was telling his mother about the new
+telephone for their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his
+mother, and, patting her on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear, I love
+you."</p>
+<p>"Don't you love me too?" asked his father.</p>
+<p>Without glancing at him, William said disdainfully, "The wire's
+busy."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What does your mother say when you tell her those dreadful
+lies?"</p>
+<p>"She says I take after father."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"A little lad was desperately ill, but refused to take the
+medicine the doctor had left. At last his mother gave him up.</p>
+<p>"Oh, my boy will die; my boy will die," she sobbed.</p>
+<p>But a voice spoke from the bed, "Don't cry, mother. Father'll be
+home soon and he'll make me take it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mrs. White was undoubtedly the disciplinarian of the family. The
+master of the house, a professor, and consequently a very busy man,
+was regarded by the children as one of themselves, subject to the
+laws of "Mother."</p>
+<p>Mrs. White had been ill for some weeks and although the father
+felt that the children were showing evidence of running wild, he
+seemed powerless to correct the fault. One evening at dinner,
+however, he felt obliged to reprimand Marion severely.</p>
+<p>"Marion," he said, sternly, "stop that at once, or I shall take
+you from the table and punish you soundly."</p>
+<p>He experienced a feeling of profound satisfaction in being able
+to thus reprove when it was necessary and glanced across the table
+expecting to see a very demure little miss. Instead, Marion and her
+little brother exchanged glances and then simultaneously a grin
+overspread their faces, while Marion said in a mirthful tone:</p>
+<p>"Oh, Francis, hear father trying to talk like mother!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Robert has lately acquired a stepmother. Hoping to win his
+affection this new parent has been very lenient with him, while his
+father, feeling his responsibility, has been unusually strict. The
+boys of the neighborhood, who had taken pains to warn Robert of the
+terrible character of stepmothers in general, recently waited on
+him in a body, and the following conversation was overheard:</p>
+<p>"How do you like your stepmother, Bob?"</p>
+<p>"Like her! Why fellers, I just love her. All I wish is I had a
+stepfather, too."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Well, Bobby, what do you want to be when you grow up?"</p>
+<p>BOBBY (remembering private seance in the wood-shed)&mdash;"A
+orphan."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Little Eleanor's mother was an American, while her father was a
+German.</p>
+<p>One day, after Eleanor had been subjected to rather severe
+disciplinary measures at the hands of her father, she called her
+mother into another room, closed the door significantly, and said:
+"Mother, I don't want to meddle in your business, but I wish you'd
+send that husband of yours back to Germany."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation
+of a brief. So bent was he on his work that he did not hear the
+door as it was pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was
+thrust into his office. A little sob attracted his notice, and,
+turning he saw a face that was streaked with tears and told plainly
+that feelings had been hurt.</p>
+<p>"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?"</p>
+<p>"Are you a lawyer?"</p>
+<p>"Yes. What do you want?"</p>
+<p>"I want"&mdash;and there was resolute ring in his voice&mdash;"I
+want a divorce from my papa and mama."</p>
+<a name="H474" id="H474"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PARROTS</h3>
+<p>Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day,
+walking down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking
+and singing. Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird
+turned quickly, screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" Pat shied off
+like a frightened horse, lifting his hat and bowing politely as he
+stuttered out: "Ex-excuse me s-sir, I thought you was a burrd!"</p>
+<a name="H475" id="H475"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PARTNERSHIP</h3>
+<p>A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change
+in his business as follows: "Notice&mdash;De co-pardnership
+heretofore resisting between me and Mose Skinner is hereby
+resolved. Dem what owe de firm will settle wid me, and dem what de
+firm owes will settle wid Mose."</p>
+<a name="H476" id="H476"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PASSWORDS</h3>
+<p>"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two
+years rented a safety-deposit box.</p>
+<p>"Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old
+one?"</p>
+<p>"Gladys."</p>
+<p>"And what do you wish the new one to be?"</p>
+<p>"Mabel. Gladys has gone to Reno."</p>
+<p>Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent
+around the Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on
+the floor, conducted him to the Senate gallery.</p>
+<p>After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery door-keeper
+and said: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He
+brought me here and I want to go out and look around a bit. I
+though I would tell you so I can get back in."</p>
+<p>"That's all right," said the doorkeeper, "but I may not be here
+when you return. In order to prevent any mistake I will give you
+the password so you can get your seat again."</p>
+<p>Swate's eyes rather popped out at this. "What's the word?" he
+asked.</p>
+<p>"Idiosyncrasy."</p>
+<p>"What?"</p>
+<p>"Idiosyncrasy."</p>
+<p>"I guess I'll stay in," said Swate.</p>
+<a name="H477" id="H477"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PATIENCE</h3>
+<p>"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately."</p>
+<p>"Yes, he is, very."</p>
+<p>"What is the matter with him?"</p>
+<p>"He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he
+can sit patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at
+his bait."</p>
+<a name="H478" id="H478"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PATRIOTISM</h3>
+<p>General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the
+following story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day
+when a dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking,
+his head bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him. He was
+soliloquizing in this manner:</p>
+<p>"I love my country. I'd fight for my country. I'd starve and go
+thirsty for my country. I'd die for my country. But if ever this
+damn war is over I'll never love another country!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A snobbish young Englishman visiting Washington's home at Mount
+Vernon was so patronizing as to arouse the wrath of guards and
+caretakers; but it remained for "Shep" Wright, an aged gardener and
+one of the first scouts of the Confederate army, to settle the
+gentleman. Approaching "Shep," the Englishman said:</p>
+<p>"Ah&mdash;er&mdash;my man, the hedge! Yes, I see, George got
+this hedge from dear old England."</p>
+<p>"Reckon he did," replied "Shep". "He got this whole blooming
+country from England."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Speaking of the policy of the Government of the United States
+with respect to its troublesome neighbors in Central and South
+America, "Uncle Joe" Cannon told of a Missouri congressman who is
+decidedly opposed to any interference in this regard by our
+country. It seems that this spring the Missourian met an Englishman
+at Washington with whom he conversed touching affairs in the
+localities mentioned. The westerner asserted his usual views with
+considerable forcefulness, winding up with this observation:</p>
+<p>"The whole trouble is that we Americans need a &mdash;&mdash;
+good licking!"</p>
+<p>"You do, indeed!" promptly asserted the Britisher, as if pleased
+by the admission. But his exultation was of brief duration, for the
+Missouri man immediately concluded with:</p>
+<p>"But there ain't nobody can do it!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A number of Confederate prisoners, during the Civil War, were
+detained at one of the western military posts under conditions much
+less unpleasant than those to be found in the ordinary military
+prison. Most of them appreciated their comparatively good fortune.
+One young fellow, though, could not be reconciled to association
+with Yankees under any circumstances, and took advantage of every
+opportunity to express his feelings. He was continually rubbing it
+in about the battle of Chickamauga, which had just been fought with
+such disastrous results for the Union forces.</p>
+<p>"Maybe we didn't eat you up at Chickamauga!" was the way he
+generally greeted a bluecoat.</p>
+<p>The Union men, when they could stand it no longer, reported the
+matter to General Grant. Grant summoned the prisoner.</p>
+<p>"See here," said Grant, "I understand that you are continually
+insulting the men here with reference to the battle of Chickamauga.
+They have borne with you long enough, and I'm going to give you
+your choice of two things. You will either take the oath of
+allegiance to the United States, or be sent to a Northern prison.
+Choose."</p>
+<p>The prisoner was silent for some time. "Well," he said at last,
+in a resigned tone, "I reckon, General, I'll take the oath."</p>
+<p>The oath was duly administered. Turning to Grant, the fellow
+then asked, very penitently, if he might speak.</p>
+<p>"Yes," said the general indifferently. "What is it?"</p>
+<p>"Why, I was just thinkin', General," he drawled, "they certainly
+did give us hell at Chickamauga."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Historical controversies are creeping into the schools. In a New
+York public institution attended by many races, during an
+examination in history the teacher asked a little chap who
+discovered America.</p>
+<p>He was evidently thrown into a panic and hesitated, much to the
+teacher's surprise, to make any reply.</p>
+<p>"Oh, please, ma'am," he finally stammered, "ask me somethin'
+else."</p>
+<p>"Something else, Jimmy? Why should I do that?"</p>
+<p>"The fellers was talkin' 'bout it yesterday," replied Jimmy,
+"Pat McGee said it was discovered by an Irish saint. Olaf, he said
+it was a sailor from Norway, and Giovanni said it was Columbus, an'
+if you'd a-seen what happened you wouldn't ask a little feller like
+me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Our country! When right to be kept right; when wrong to be put
+right!&mdash;<i>Carl Schurz</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she
+always be in the right; but our country, right or
+wrong.&mdash;<i>Stephen Decatur</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There are no points of the compass on the chart of true
+patriotism.&mdash;<i>Robert C. Winthrop</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Patriotic exercises and flag worship will avail nothing unless
+the states give to their people of the kind of government that
+arouses patriotism.&mdash;<i>Franklin Pierce II</i>.</p>
+<a name="H479" id="H479"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PENSIONS</h3>
+<p>WILLIS&mdash;"I wonder if there will ever be universal
+peace."</p>
+<p>GILLIS&mdash;"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations
+to agree that in case of war the winner pays the
+pensions."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inquired Mrs.
+McClane of an old colored woman in West Virginia.</p>
+<p>"'Deed, Miss Ellie," replied the old woman earnestly, "dat daid
+nigger's wuth moah to me dan a live one. I gits a
+pension."&mdash;<i>Edith Howell Armor</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>If England had a system of pensions like ours, we should see
+that "all that was left of the Noble Six Hundred" was six thousand
+pensioners.</p>
+<a name="H480" id="H480"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PESSIMISM</h3>
+<p>A pessimist is a man who lives with an
+optimist.&mdash;<i>Francis Wilson</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">How happy are the Pessimists!</p>
+<p class="i4">A bliss without alloy</p>
+<p class="i2">Is theirs when they have proved to us</p>
+<p class="i4">There's no such thing as joy!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Harold Susman</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A pessimist is one who, of two evils, chooses them both.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I had a mighty queer surprise this morning," remarked a local
+stock broker. "I put on my last summer's thin suit on account of
+this extraordinary hot weather, and in one of the trousers pockets
+I found a big roll of bills which I had entirely forgotten."</p>
+<p>"Were any of them receipted?" asked a pessimist.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>To tell men that they cannot help themselves is to fling them
+into recklessness and despair.&mdash;<i>Fronde</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">With earth's first clay they did the last man
+knead,</p>
+<p class="i2">And there of the last harvest sowed the seed:</p>
+<p class="i2">And the first morning of creation wrote</p>
+<p class="i2">What the last dawn of reckoning shall read.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Yesterday this day's madness did prepare;</p>
+<p class="i2">Tomorrow's silence, triumph, or despair.</p>
+<p class="i2">Drink! For you know not whence you came, nor why;</p>
+<p class="i2">Drink! For you know not why you go, nor where.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Omar Khayyam</i></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H481" id="H481"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PHILADELPHIA</h3>
+<p>A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in
+the borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of
+transplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap for a few weeks.
+They were discussing their plans the other day, when the oldest
+boy, aged eight, looked up from his geography and said:</p>
+<p>"Pop, Philadelphia is on the Delaware River, isn't it?"</p>
+<p>Pop replied that such was the case.</p>
+<p>"I wonder if that's what makes the Delaware Water Gap?"
+insinuated the youngster.&mdash;<i>S.S. Stinson</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Among the guests at an informal dinner in New York was a bright
+Philadelphia girl.</p>
+<p>"These are snails," said a gentleman next to her, when the
+dainty was served. "I suppose Philadelphia people don't eat them
+for fear of cannibalism."</p>
+<p>"Oh, no," was her instant reply; "it isn't that. We couldn't
+catch them."</p>
+<a name="H482" id="H482"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PHILANTHROPISTS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Little grains of short weight,</p>
+<p class="i4">Little crooked twists,</p>
+<p class="i2">Fill the land with magnates</p>
+<p class="i4">And philanthropists.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Charity.</p>
+<a name="H483" id="H483"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PHILOSOPHY</h3>
+<p>Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world
+which you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can
+have them.&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<a name="H484" id="H484"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS</h3>
+<p>The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a
+friend, was playing in his father's office, during the absence of
+the doctor, when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door
+and disclosed to the terrified gaze of his little friend an
+articulated skeleton.</p>
+<p>When the visitor had sufficiently recovered from his shock to
+stand the announcement the doctor's son explained that his father
+was extremely proud of that skeleton.</p>
+<p>"Is he?" asked the other. "Why?"</p>
+<p>"I don't know," was the answer; "maybe it was his first
+patient."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The doctor stood by the bedside, and looked gravely down at the
+sick man.</p>
+<p>"I can not hide from you the fact that you are very ill," he
+said. "Is there any one you would like to see?"</p>
+<p>"Yes," said the sufferer faintly.</p>
+<p>"Who is it?"</p>
+<p>"Another doctor."&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<br />
+<br />
+"Doctor, I want you to look after my office while I'm on my
+vacation."<br />
+<br />
+<p>"But I've just graduated, doctor. Have had no experience."
+"That's all right, my boy. My practice is strictly fashionable.
+Tell the men to play golf and ship the lady patients off to
+Europe."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An old darky once lay seriously ill of fever and was treated for
+a long time by one doctor, and then another doctor, for some
+reason, came and took the first one's place. The second physician
+made a thorough examination of the patient. At the end he said,
+"Did the other doctor take your temperature?"</p>
+<p>"Ah dunno, sah," the patient answered. "Ah hain't missed nuthin'
+so far but mah watch."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There had been an epidemic of colds in the town, and one
+physician who had had scarcely any sleep for two days called upon a
+patient&mdash;an Irishman&mdash;who was suffering from pneumonia,
+and as he leaned over to hear the patient's respiration he called
+upon Pat to count.</p>
+<p>The doctor was so fatigued that he fell asleep, with his ear on
+the sick man's chest. It seemed but a minute when he suddenly awoke
+to hear Pat still counting: "Tin thousand an' sivinty-six, tin
+thousand an' sivinty-sivin&mdash;"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FIRST DOCTOR&mdash;"I operated on him for appendicitis."</p>
+<p>SECOND DOCTOR&mdash;"What was the matter with
+him?"&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FUSSY LADY PATIENT&mdash;"I was suffering so much, doctor, that
+I wanted to die."</p>
+<p>DOCTOR&mdash;"You did right to call me in, dear lady."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MEDICAL STUDENT&mdash;"What did you operate on that man
+for?"</p>
+<p>EMINENT SURGEON&mdash;"Two hundred dollars."</p>
+<p>MEDICAL STUDENT&mdash;"I mean what did he have?"</p>
+<p>EMINENT SURGEON&mdash;"Two hundred dollars."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The three degrees in medical treatment&mdash;Positive, ill;
+comparative, pill; superlative, bill.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What caused the coolness between you and that young doctor? I
+thought you were engaged."</p>
+<p>"His writing is rather illegible. He sent me a note calling for
+10,000 kisses."</p>
+<p>"Well?"</p>
+<p>"I thought it was a prescription, and took it to the druggist to
+be filled."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A tourist while traveling in the north of Scotland, far away
+from anywhere, exclaimed to one of the natives: "Why, what do you
+do when any of you are ill? You can never get a doctor."</p>
+<p>"Nae, sir," replied Sandy. "We've jist to dee a naitural
+death."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When the physician gives you medicine and tells you to take it,
+you take it. "Yours not to reason why; yours but to do and
+die."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Physicians, of all men, are most happy: whatever good success
+soever they have, the world proclaimeth; and what faults they
+commit, the earth covereth.&mdash;<i>Quarles</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">This is the way that physicians mend or end us,</p>
+<p class="i2">Secundum artem: but although we sneer</p>
+<p class="i2">In health&mdash;when ill, we call them to attend
+us,</p>
+<p class="i2">Without the least propensity to jeer.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Byron</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Bills.</p>
+<a name="H485" id="H485"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PICKPOCKETS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Thieves; Wives.</p>
+<a name="H486" id="H486"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PINS</h3>
+<p>"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a
+dinner-party, "I can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the
+pins go to, anyway?"</p>
+<p>"That's a difficult question to answer," replied her husband,
+"because they are always pointed in one direction and headed in
+another."</p>
+<a name="H487" id="H487"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PITTSBURG</h3>
+<p>"How about that airship?"</p>
+<p>"It went up in smoke."</p>
+<p>"Burned, eh?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, no. Made an ascension at Pittsburg."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SKYBOUGH&mdash;"Why have you put that vacuum cleaner in front of
+your airship?"</p>
+<p>KLOUDLEIGH&mdash;"To clear a path. I have an engagement to sail
+over Pittsburg."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man just back from South America was describing a volcanic
+disturbance.</p>
+<p>"I was smoking a cigar before the door of my hotel," said he,
+"when I was startled by a rather violent earthquake. The next
+instant the sun was obscured and darkness settled over the city.
+Looking in the direction of the distant volcano, I saw heavy clouds
+of smoke rolling from it, with an occasional tongue of flame
+flashing against the dark sky.</p>
+<p>"Some of the natives about me were on their knees praying;
+others darted aimlessly about, crazed with terror and shouting for
+mercy. The landlord of the hotel rushed out and seized me by the
+arm.</p>
+<p>"'To the harbor!' he cried in my ear.</p>
+<p>"Together we hurried down the narrow street. As we panted along,
+the dark smoke whirled in our faces, and a dangerous shower of
+red-hot cinders sizzled about us. Do you know, I don't believe I
+was ever so homesick in all my life!"</p>
+<p>"Homesick?" gasped the listener. "Homesick at a time like
+that?"</p>
+<p>"Sure. I live in Pittsburg, you know."</p>
+<a name="H488" id="H488"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PLAY</h3>
+<p>The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up with
+battering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the
+matter. There she found Tommie sitting in the middle of the floor
+with a broad smile on his face.</p>
+<p>"Oh, Mama," said he delightedly, "I've locked Grandpa and Uncle
+George in the cupboard, and when they get a little angrier I am
+going to play Daniel in the lion's den."</p>
+<a name="H489" id="H489"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PLEASURE</h3>
+<p>BILLY&mdash;"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your
+birthday party yesterday."</p>
+<p>WILLIE&mdash;"I bet I did."</p>
+<p>BILLY&mdash;"Then why ain't you sick today?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Winnie had been very naughty, and her mamma said: "Don't you
+know you will never go to Heaven if you are so naughty?"</p>
+<p>After thinking a moment she said: "Oh, well, I have been to the
+circus once and 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' twice. I can't expect to go
+everywhere."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In Concord, New Hampshire, they tell of an old chap who made his
+wife keep a cash account. Each week he would go over it, growling
+and grumbling. On one such occasion he delivered himself of the
+following:</p>
+<p>"Look here, Sarah, mustard-plasters, fifty cents; three teeth
+extracted, two dollars! There's two dollars and a half in one week
+spent for your own private pleasure. Do you think I am made of
+money?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Here's to beauty, wit and wine and to a full stomach, a full
+purse and a light heart.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A dinner, coffee and cigars,</p>
+<p class="i4">Of friends, a half a score.</p>
+<p class="i2">Each favorite vintage in its turn,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">What man could wish for more?</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The roses of pleasure seldom last long enough to adorn the brow
+of him who plucks them; for they are the only roses which do not
+retain their sweetness after they have lost their
+beauty.&mdash;<i>Hannah More</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Amusements.</p>
+<a name="H490" id="H490"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>POETRY</h3>
+<p>Poetry is a gift we are told, but most editors won't take it
+even at that.</p>
+<a name="H491" id="H491"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>POETS</h3>
+<p>EDITOR&mdash;"Have you submitted this poem anywhere else?"</p>
+<p>JOKESMITH&mdash;"No, sir."</p>
+<p>EDITOR&mdash;"Then where did you get that black
+eye?"&mdash;<i>Satire</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Why is it," asked the persistent poetess, "that you always
+insist that we write on one side of the paper only? Why not on
+both?"</p>
+<p>In that moment the editor experienced an access of
+courage&mdash;courage to protest against the accumulated wrongs of
+his kind.</p>
+<p>"One side of the paper, madame," he made answer, "is in the
+nature of a compromise."</p>
+<p>"A compromise?"</p>
+<p>"A compromise. What we really desire, if we could have our way,
+is not one, or both, but neither."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Sir Lewis Morris was complaining to Oscar Wilde about the
+neglect of his poems by the press. "It is a complete conspiracy of
+silence against me, a conspiracy of silence. What ought I to do,
+Oscar?" "Join it," replied Wilde.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">God's prophets of the Beautiful,</p>
+<p class="i2">These Poets were.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>E.B. Browning</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">We call those poets who are first to mark</p>
+<p class="i2">Through earth's dull mist the coming of the
+dawn,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Who see in twilight's gloom the first pale spark,</p>
+<p class="i2">While others only note that day is gone.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>O.W. Holmes</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H492" id="H492"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>POLICE</h3>
+<p>A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six
+different positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the
+police department. A few days later the chief of police wrote to
+headquarters: "Sir, I have duly received the portraits of the six
+miscreants. I have arrested five of them, and the sixth will be
+secured shortly."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I had a message from the Black Hand," said the resident of
+Graftburg. "They told me to leave $2,000 in a vacant house in a
+certain street."</p>
+<p>"Did you tell the police?"</p>
+<p>"Right away."</p>
+<p>"What did they do?"</p>
+<p>"They said that while I was about it I might leave them a couple
+of thousand in the same place."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Recipe for a policeman:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">To a quart of boiling temper add a pint of Irish
+stew</p>
+<p class="i4">Together with cracked nuts, long beats and slugs;</p>
+<p class="i2">Serve hot with mangled citizens who ask the time of
+day&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">The receipt is much the same for making thugs.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Servants.</p>
+<a name="H493" id="H493"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>POLITENESS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Courtesy; Etiquet.</p>
+<a name="H494" id="H494"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>POLITICAL PARTIES</h3>
+<p>ZOO SUPERINTENDENT&mdash;"What was all the rumpus out there this
+morning?"</p>
+<p>ATTENDANT&mdash;"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting
+over their feed."</p>
+<p>"What happened?"</p>
+<p>"The donkey ate it."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H495" id="H495"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>POLITICIANS</h3>
+<p>Politicians always belong to the opposite party.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The man who goes into politics as a business has no business to
+go into politics.&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A political orator, evidently better acquainted with western
+geography than with the language of the Greeks, recently exclaimed
+with fervor that his principles should prevail "from Alpha to
+Omaha."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>POLITICIAN&mdash;"Congratulate me, my dear, I've won the
+nomination."</p>
+<p>HIS WIFE (in surprise)&mdash;"Honestly?"</p>
+<p>POLITICIAN&mdash;"Now what in thunder did you want to bring up
+that point for?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What makes you think the baby is going to be a great
+politician?" asked the young mother, anxiously.</p>
+<p>"I'll tell you," answered the young father, confidently; "he can
+say more things that sound well and mean nothing at all than any
+kid I ever saw."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"The mere proposal to set the politician to watch the capitalist
+has been disturbed by the rather disconcerting discovery that they
+are both the same man. We are past the point where being a
+capitalist is the only way of becoming a politician, and we are
+dangerously near the point where being a politician is much the
+quickest way of becoming a capitalist."&mdash;<i>G.K.
+Chesterton</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At a political meeting the speakers and the audience were much
+annoyed and disturbed by a man who constantly called out: "Mr.
+Henry! Henry, Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" After several
+interruptions of this kind during each speech, a young man ascended
+the platform, and began an eloquent and impassioned speech in which
+he handled the issues of the day with easy familiarity. He was in
+the midst of a glowing period when suddenly the old cry echoed
+through the hall: "Mr. Henry! Henry, Henry, Henry! I call for Mr.
+Henry!" With a word to the speaker, the chairman stepped to the
+front of the platform and remarked that it would oblige the
+audience very much if the gentleman in the rear of the hall would
+refrain from any further calls for Mr. Henry, as that gentleman was
+then addressing the meeting.</p>
+<p>"Mr. Henry? Is that Mr. Henry?" came in astonished tones from
+the rear. "Thunder! that can't be him. Why, that's the young man
+that asked me to call for Mr. Henry."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A political speaker, while making a speech, paused in the midst
+of it and exclaimed: "Now gentlemen, what do you think?"</p>
+<p>A man rose in the assembly, and with one eye partially closed,
+replied modestly, with a strong Scotch brogue: "I think, sir, I do,
+indeed, sir&mdash;I think if you and I were to stump the country
+together we could tell more lies than any other two men in the
+country, sir, and I'd not say a word myself during the whole time,
+sir."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Rev. Dr. Biddell tells a lively story about a Presbyterian
+minister who had a young son, a lad about ten years of age. He was
+endeavoring to bring him up in the way he should go, and was one
+day asked by a friend what he intended to make of him. In reply he
+said:</p>
+<p>"I am watching the indications. I have a plan which I propose
+trying with the boy. It is this: I am going to place in my parlor a
+Bible, an apple and a silver dollar. Then I am going to leave the
+room and call in the boy. I am going to watch him from some
+convenient place without letting him know that he is seen. Then, if
+he chooses the Bible, I shall make a preacher of him; if he takes
+the apple, a farmer he shall be; but if he chooses the dollar, I
+will make him a business man."</p>
+<p>The plan was carried out. The arrangements were made and the boy
+called in from his play. After a little while the preacher and his
+wife softly entered the room. There was the youngster. He was
+seated on the Bible, in one hand was the apple, from which he was
+just taking a bite, and in the other he clasped the silver dollar.
+The good man turned to his consort. "Wife," he said, "the boy is a
+hog. I shall make a politician of him."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Senator Mark Hanna was walking through his mill one day when he
+heard a boy say:</p>
+<p>"I wish I had Hanna's money and he was in the poorhouse."</p>
+<p>When he returned to the office the senator sent for the lad, who
+was plainly mystified by the summons.</p>
+<p>"So you wish you had my money and I was in the poorhouse," said
+the great man grimly. "Now supposing you had your wish, what would
+you do?"</p>
+<p>"Well," said the boy quickly, his droll grin showing his
+appreciation of the situation, "I guess I'd get you out of the
+poorhouse the first thing."</p>
+<p>Mr. Hanna roared with laughter and dismissed the youth.</p>
+<p>"You might as well push that boy along," he said to one of his
+assistants; "he's too good a politician to be kept down."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Candidates; Public Speakers.</p>
+<a name="H496" id="H496"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>POLITICS</h3>
+<p>Politics consists of two sides and a fence.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British
+public, I should define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in
+every four or five years.&mdash;<i>A.E.W. Mason</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>LITTLE CLARENCE (who has an inquiring mind)&mdash;"Papa, the
+Forty Thieves&mdash;"</p>
+<p>MR. CALLIPERS&mdash;"Now, my son, you are too young to talk
+politics."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Many a man," remarked the milk toast philosopher, "has gone
+into politics with a fine future, and come out with a terrible
+past." Lord Dufferin delivered an address before the Greek class of
+the McGill University about which a reporter wrote:</p>
+<p>"His lordship spoke to the class in the purest ancient Greek,
+without mispronouncing a word or making the slightest grammatical
+solecism."</p>
+<p>"Good heavens!" remarked Sir Hector Langevin to the late Sir
+John A. Macdonald, "how did the reporter know that!"</p>
+<p>"I told him," was the Conservative statesman's answer.</p>
+<p>"But you don't know Greek."</p>
+<p>"True; but I know a little about politics."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Little Millie's father and grandfather were Republicans; and, as
+election drew near, they spoke of their opponents with increasing
+warmth, never heeding Millie's attentive ears and wondering
+eyes.</p>
+<p>One night, however, as the little maid was preparing for bed,
+she whispered in a frightened voice: "Oh, mamma, I don't dare to go
+upstairs. I'm afraid there's a Democrat under the bed."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"The shortest after-dinner speech I ever heard," said Cy Warman,
+the poet, "was at a dinner in Providence."</p>
+<p>"A man was assigned to the topic, 'The Christian in Politics.'
+When he was called upon he arose, bowed and said: 'Mr. Chairman,
+ladies and gentlemen: The Christian in Politics&mdash;he
+ain't.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Politics is but the common pulse-beat of which revolution is the
+fever spasm.&mdash;<i>Wendell Phillips</i>.</p>
+<a name="H497" id="H497"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>POVERTY</h3>
+<p>Poverty is no disgrace, but that's about all that can be said in
+its favor.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A traveler passing through the Broad Top Mountain district in
+northern Bedford County, Pennsylvania, last summer, came across a
+lad of sixteen cultivating a patch of miserable potatoes. He
+remarked upon their unpromising appearance and expressed pity for
+anyone who had to dig a living out of such soil.</p>
+<p>"I don't need no pity," said the boy resentfully.</p>
+<p>The traveler hastened to soothe his wounded pride. But in the
+offended tone of one who has been misjudged the boy added; "I ain't
+as poor as you think. I'm only <i>workin'</i> here. I don't
+<i>own</i> this place."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One day an inspector of a New York tenement-house found four
+families living in one room, chalk lines being drawn across in such
+manner as to mark out a quarter for each family.</p>
+<p>"How do you get along here?" inquired the inspector.</p>
+<p>"Very well," was the reply. "Only the man in the farthest corner
+keeps boarders."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There is no man so poor but that he can afford to keep one dog,
+and I hev seen them so poor that they could afford to keep
+three.&mdash;<i>Josh Billings</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>May poverty be always a day's march behind us.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Not he who has little, but he who wishes for more, is
+poor.&mdash;<i>Seneca</i>.</p>
+<a name="H498" id="H498"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PRAISE</h3>
+<p>WIFE (complainingly)&mdash;"You never praise me up to any
+one."</p>
+<p>HUB&mdash;"I don't, eh! You should hear me describe you at the
+intelligence office when I'm trying to hire a cook."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"What sort of a man is he?"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>"Well, he's just what I've been looking for&mdash;a generous
+soul, with a limousine body."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H499" id="H499"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PRAYER MEETINGS</h3>
+<p>A foreigner who attended a prayer meeting in Indiana was asked
+what the assistants did. "Not very much," he said, "only they sin
+and bray."</p>
+<h3>PRAYERS</h3>
+<p>During the winter the village preacher was taken sick, and
+several of his children were also afflicted with the mumps. One day
+a number of the devout church members called to pray for the
+family. While they were about it a boy, the son of a member living
+in the country, knocked at the preacher's door. He had his arms
+full of things. "What have you there?" a deacon asked him.</p>
+<p>"Pa's prayers for a happy Thanksgiving," the boy answered, as he
+proceeded to unload potatoes, bacon, flour and other provisions for
+the afflicted family.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A little girl in Washington surprised her mother the other day
+by closing her evening prayers in these words: "Amen; good bye;
+ring off."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"Now, Tommy, suppose a man gave you $100 to keep
+for him and then died, what would you do? Would you pray for
+him?"</p>
+<p>TOMMY&mdash;"No, sir; but I would pray for another like
+him."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A well-known revivalist whose work has been principally among
+the negroes of a certain section of the South remembers one service
+conducted by him that was not entirely successful. He had had very
+poor attendance, and spent much time in questioning the darkies as
+to their reason for not attending.</p>
+<p>"Why were you not at our revival?" he asked one old man, whom he
+encountered on the road.</p>
+<p>"Oh, I dunno," said the backward one.</p>
+<p>"Don't you ever pray?" demanded the preacher.</p>
+<p>The old man shook his head. "No," said he; "I carries a rabbit's
+foot."&mdash;<i>Taylor Edwards</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A little girl attending an Episcopal church for the first time,
+was amazed to see all kneel suddenly. She asked her mother what
+they were going to do. Her mother replied, "Hush, they're going to
+say their prayers."</p>
+<p>"What with all their clothes on?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The new minister in a Georgia church was delivering his first
+sermon. The darky janitor was a critical listener from a back
+corner of the church. The minister's sermon was eloquent, and his
+prayers seemed to cover the whole category of human wants.</p>
+<p>After the services one of the deacons asked the old darky what
+he thought of the new minister. "Don't you think he offers up a
+good prayer, Joe?"</p>
+<p>"Ah mos' suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat man axed de good Lord
+fo' things dat de odder preacher didn't even know He had!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Hilma was always glad to say her prayers, but she wanted to be
+sure that she was heard in the heavens above as well as on the
+earth beneath.</p>
+<p>One night, after the usual "Amen," she dropped her head upon her
+pillow and closed her eyes. After a moment she lifted her hand and,
+waving it aloft, said, "Oh, Lord! this prayer comes from 203 Selden
+Avenue."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Willie's mother had told him that if he went to the river to
+play he should go to bed. One day she was away, and on coming home
+about two o'clock in the afternoon found Willie in bed.</p>
+<p>"What are you in bed for?" asked his mother.</p>
+<p>"I went to the river to play, and I knew you would put me in
+bed, so I didn't wait for you to come."</p>
+<p>"Did you say your prayers before you went to bed?" asked his
+mother.</p>
+<p>"No," said Willie. "You don't suppose God would be loafing
+around here this time of day, do you? He's at the office."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Little Polly, coming in from her walk one morning, informed her
+mother that she had seen a lion in the park. No amount of
+persuasion or reasoning could make her vary her statement one
+hairbreadth. That night, when she slipped down on her knees to say
+her prayers, her mother said, "Polly, ask God to forgive you for
+that fib."</p>
+<p>Polly hid her face for a moment. Then she looked straight into
+her mother's eyes, her own eyes shining like stars, and said, "I
+did ask him, mamma, dearest, and he said, 'Don't mention it, Miss
+Polly; that big yellow dog has often fooled me.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Prayer is the spirit speaking truth to
+Truth.&mdash;<i>Bailey</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Pray to be perfect, though material leaven</p>
+<p class="i2">Forbid the spirit so on earth to be;</p>
+<p class="i2">But if for any wish thou darest not pray,</p>
+<p class="i2">Then pray to God to cast that wish away.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Hartley Coleridge</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Courage.</p>
+<a name="H500" id="H500"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PREACHING</h3>
+<p>The services in the chapel of a certain western university are
+from time to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many
+denominations and from many cities.</p>
+<p>On one occasion, when one of these visiting divines asked the
+president how long he should speak, that witty officer replied:</p>
+<p>"There is no limit, Doctor, upon the time you may preach; but I
+may tell you that there is a tradition here that the most souls are
+saved during the first twenty-five minutes."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One Sunday morning a certain young pastor in his first charge
+announced nervously:</p>
+<p>"I will take for my text the words, 'And they fed five men with
+five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"</p>
+<p>At this misquotation an old parishioner from his seat in the
+amen corner said audibly:</p>
+<p>"That's no miracle&mdash;I could do it myself."</p>
+<p>The young preacher said nothing at the time, but the next Sunday
+he announced the same text again. This time he got it right:</p>
+<p>"And they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and two
+fishes."</p>
+<p>He waited a moment, and then, leaning over the pulpit and
+looking at the amen corner, he said:</p>
+<p>"And could you do that, too, Mr. Smith?"</p>
+<p>"Of course I could," Mr. Smith replied.</p>
+<p>"And how would you do it?" said the preacher.</p>
+<p>"With what was left over from last Sunday," said Mr. Smith.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The late Bishop Foss once visited a Philadelphia physician for
+some trifling ailment. "Do you, sir," the doctor asked, in the
+course of his examination, "talk in your sleep?"</p>
+<p>"No sir," answered the bishop. "I talk in other people's. Aren't
+you aware that I am a divine?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Yes, sir," said the irate man, "I got even with that clergyman.
+I slurred him. Why, I hired one hundred people to attend his church
+and go to sleep before he had preached five minutes."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A noted eastern Judge when visiting in the west went to church
+on Sunday; which isn't so remarkable as the fact that he knew
+beforehand that the preacher was exceedingly tedious and long
+winded to the last degree. After the service the preacher met the
+Judge in the vestibule and said: "Well, your Honor, how did you
+like the sermon?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, most wonderfully," replied the Judge. "It was like the
+peace of God; for it passed all understanding, and, like His mercy,
+I thought it would have endured forever."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The preacher's evening discourse was dry and long, and the
+congregation gradually melted away. The sexton tiptoed up to the
+pulpit and slipped a note under one corner of the Bible. It
+read:</p>
+<p>"When you are through, will you please turn off the lights, lock
+the door, and put the key under the mat?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The new minister's first sermon was very touching and created
+much favorable comment among the members of the church. One
+morning, a few days later, his nine-year-old son happened to be
+alone in the pastor's study and with childish curiosity started to
+read through some papers on the desk. They happened to be this
+identical sermon, but he was most interested in the marginal notes.
+In one place in the margin were written the words, "Cry a little."
+Further on in the discourse appeared another marginal remark, "Cry
+a little more." On the next to the last sheet the boy found his
+good father had penned another remark, "Cry like thunder."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A young preacher, who was staying at a clergy-house, was in the
+habit of retiring to his room for an hour or more each day to
+practice pulpit oratory. At such times he filled the house with
+sounds of fervor and pathos, and emptied it of almost everything
+else. Phillips Brooks chanced to be visiting a friend in this house
+one day when the budding orator was holding forth.</p>
+<p>"Gracious me!" exclaimed the Bishop, starting up in assumed
+terror, "pray, what might that be?"</p>
+<p>"Sit down, Bishop," his friend replied. "That's only young
+D&mdash;&mdash; practising what he preaches."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A distinguished theologian was invited to make an address before
+a Sunday-school. The divine spoke for over an hour and his remarks
+were of too deep a character for the average juvenile mind to
+comprehend. At the conclusion, the superintendent, according to
+custom, requested some one in the school to name an appropriate
+hymn to be sung.</p>
+<p>"Sing 'Revive Us Again,'" shouted a boy in the rear of the
+room.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A clergyman was once sent for in the middle of the night by one
+of his woman parishioners.</p>
+<p>"Well, my good woman," said he, "so you are ill and require the
+consolations of religion? What can I do for you?"</p>
+<p>"No," replied the old lady, "I am only nervous and can't
+sleep!"</p>
+<p>"But how can I help that?" said the parson.</p>
+<p>"Oh, sir, you always put me to sleep so nicely when I go to
+church that I thought if you would only preach a little for
+me!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I never see my rector's eyes;</p>
+<p class="i2">He hides their light divine;</p>
+<p class="i2">For when he prays, he shuts his own,</p>
+<p class="i2">And when he preaches, mine.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A stranger entered the church in the middle of the sermon and
+seated himself in the back pew. After a while he began to fidget.
+Leaning over to the white-haired man at his side, evidently an old
+member of the congregation, he whispered:</p>
+<p>"How long has he been preaching?"</p>
+<p>"Thirty or forty years, I think," the old man answered.</p>
+<p>"I'll stay then," decided the stranger. "He must be nearly
+done."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Once upon a time there was an Indian named Big Smoke, employed
+as a missionary to his fellow Smokes.</p>
+<p>A white man encountering Big Smoke, asked him what he did for a
+living.</p>
+<p>"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me preach."</p>
+<p>"That so? What do you get for preaching?"</p>
+<p>"Me get ten dollars a year."</p>
+<p>"Well," said the white man, "that's damn poor pay."</p>
+<p>"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me damn poor preacher."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Clergy.</p>
+<a name="H501" id="H501"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PRESCRIPTIONS</h3>
+<p>After a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the
+suburbs became ill, and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor,
+who wrote a prescription after examining the patient. The doctor,
+upon departing, said: "Just let your husband take that and you'll
+find he will be all right in a short time."</p>
+<p>Next day the doctor called again, and the wife opened the door,
+her face beaming with smiles. "Sure, that was a wonderful wee bit
+of paper you left yesterday," she exclaimed. "William is better
+to-day."</p>
+<p>"I'm glad to hear that," said the much-pleased medical man.</p>
+<p>"Not but what I hadn't a big job to get him to swallow it." she
+continued, "but, sure, I just wrapped up the wee bit of paper quite
+small and put it in a spoonful of jam and William swallowed it
+unbeknownst. By night he was entirely better."</p>
+<a name="H502" id="H502"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PRESENCE OF MIND</h3>
+<p>"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to
+face?"</p>
+<p>"I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller,
+the luggage-carriers, the dining-car waiters, and the sleeping-car
+porters and borrowed a dollar from him."</p>
+<a name="H503" id="H503"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PRINTERS</h3>
+<p>The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast
+"hoe," the carpenter with his "rule," and the mason in "setting up
+tall columns"; and he surpasses the lawyer and the doctor in
+attending to the "cases," and beats the parson in the management of
+the devil.</p>
+<a name="H504" id="H504"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PRISONS</h3>
+<p>A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The
+case was given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the
+judge sentenced him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a
+jovial man, fond of a smile, and feeling particularly good on that
+particular day, considered himself insulted when the prisoner
+looking around the cell told him it was dirty, and not fit for a
+hog to be put in. One word brought on another, till finally the
+jailer told the prisoner if he did not behave himself he would put
+him out. To which the prisoner replied: "I will give you to
+understand, sir, I have as good a right here as you have!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SHERIFF&mdash;"That fellow who just left jail is going to be
+arrested again soon."</p>
+<p>"How do you know?"</p>
+<p>SHERIFF&mdash;"He chopped my wood, carried the water, and mended
+my socks. I can't get along without him."</p>
+<a name="H505" id="H505"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PRODIGALS</h3>
+<p>"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and
+weep?"</p>
+<p>"Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort'
+it."</p>
+<a name="H506" id="H506"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROFANITY</h3>
+<p>THE RECTOR&mdash;"It's terrible for a man like you to make every
+other word an oath."</p>
+<p>THE MAN&mdash;"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good
+deal, but we don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FIRST DEAF MUTE&mdash;"He wasn't so very angry, was he?"</p>
+<p>SECOND DEAF MUTE&mdash;"He was so wild that the words he used
+almost blistered his fingers."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The little daughter of a clergyman stubbed her toe and said,
+"Darn!"</p>
+<p>"I'll give you ten cents," said father, "if you'll never say
+that word again."</p>
+<p>A few days afterward she came to him and said: "Papa, I've got a
+word worth half a dollar."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Very frequently the winter highways of the Yukon valley are mere
+trails, traversed only by dog-sledges. One of the bishops in
+Alaska, who was very fond of that mode of travel, encountered a
+miner coming out with his dog-team, and stopped to ask him what
+kind of a road he had come over.</p>
+<p>The miner responded with a stream of forcible and picturesque
+profanity, winding up with:</p>
+<p>"And what kind o' trail did you have?"</p>
+<p>"Same as yours," replied the bishop feelingly.&mdash;<i>Elgin
+Burroughs</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A scrupulous priest of Kildare,</p>
+<p class="i2">Used to pay a rude peasant to swear,</p>
+<p class="i4">Who would paint the air blue,</p>
+<p class="i4">For an hour or two,</p>
+<p class="i2">While his reverence wrestled in prayer.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Donald and Jeanie were putting down a carpet. Donald slammed the
+end of his thumb with the hammer and began to pour forth his soul
+in language befitting the occasion.</p>
+<p>"Donald, Donald!" shrieked Jeanie, horrified. "Dinna swear that
+way!"</p>
+<p>"Wummun!" vociferated Donald; "gin ye know ony better way, now
+is the time to let me know it!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"It is not always necessary to make a direct accusation," said
+the lawyer who was asking damages because insinuations had been
+made against his client's good name. "You may have heard of the
+woman who called to the hired girl, 'Mary, Mary. come here and take
+the parrot downstairs&mdash;the master has dropped his collar
+button!'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Little Bartholomew's mother overheard him swearing like a
+mule-driver. He displayed a fluency that overwhelmed her. She took
+him to task, explaining the wickedness of profanity as well as its
+vulgarity. She asked where he had learned all those dreadful words.
+Bartholomew announced that Cavert, one of his playmates, had taught
+him.</p>
+<p>Cavert's mother was straightway informed and Cavert was brought
+to book. He vigorously denied having instructed Bartholomew, and
+neither threats nor tears could make him confess. At last he burst
+out:</p>
+<p>"I didn't tell Bartholomew any cuss words. Why should I know how
+to cuss any better than he does? Hasn't his father got an
+automobile, too?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>They were in Italy together.</p>
+<p>"If you would let me curse them black and blue," said the groom,
+"we shouldn't have to wait so long for the trunks."</p>
+<p>"But, darling, please don't. It would distress me so," murmured
+the bride.</p>
+<p>The groom went off, but quickly returned with the porters before
+him trundling the trunks at a double quick.</p>
+<p>"Oh, dearest, how did you do it? You didn't&mdash;?"</p>
+<p>"Not at all. I thought of something that did quite as well. I
+said, '<i>S-s-s-susquehanna, R-r-r-rappahannock!'"&mdash;Cornelia
+C. Ward</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and
+fifty words about a motorcar. She submitted the following:</p>
+<p>"My uncle bought a motorcar. He was riding in the country when
+it busted up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other
+two hundred are what my uncle said when he was walking back to
+town, but they are not fit for publication."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The ashman was raising a can of ashes above his head to dump the
+contents into his cart, when the bottom of the can came out. Ethel
+saw it and ran in and told her mother.</p>
+<p>"I hope you didn't listen to what he said," the mother
+remarked.</p>
+<p>"He didn't say a word to me," replied the little girl; "he just
+walked right off by the side of his cart, talking to God."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A young man entered the jeweler's store and bought a ring, which
+he ordered engraved. The jeweler asked what name.</p>
+<p>"George Osborne to Harriet Lewis, but I prefer only the
+initials, G.O. to H.L."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>For it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering
+accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than
+ever proof itself would have earned
+him.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+<a name="H507" id="H507"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROHIBITION</h3>
+<p>"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth,
+Kansas?" asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No?
+Well, that's a dry town for you, all right."</p>
+<p>"They can't sell liquor at all there?" asked one of the men.</p>
+<p>"Only if you had been bitten by a snake," said the drummer.
+"They have only one snake in town, and when I got to it the other
+day after standing in line for nearly half a day it was too tired
+to bite."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was prohibition country. As soon as the train pulled up, a
+seedy little man with a covered basket on his arm hurried to the
+open windows of the smoker and exhibited a quart bottle filled with
+rich, dark fluid.</p>
+<p>"Want to buy some nice cold tea?" he asked, with just the
+suspicion of a wink.</p>
+<p>Two thirsty-looking cattlemen brightened visibly, and each paid
+a dollar for a bottle.</p>
+<p>"Wait until you get outer the station before you take a drink,"
+the little man cautioned them. "I don't wanter get in trouble."</p>
+<p>He found three other customers before the train pulled out, in
+each case repeating his warning.</p>
+<p>"You seem to be doing a pretty good business," remarked a man
+who had watched it all. "But I don't see why you'd run any more
+risk of getting in trouble if they took a drink before the train
+started."</p>
+<p>"Ye don't, hey? Well, what them bottles had in 'em, pardner, was
+real cold tea."</p>
+<a name="H508" id="H508"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROMOTING</h3>
+<p>Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the
+British North Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was
+approached with a view to floating a rubber company. His friend was
+quite ready. "How many trees have you?" he asked. "We have not got
+any trees," was the answer. "How much land have you?" "We have no
+land." "What then have you got?" "I have a bag of seeds!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There are many tales about the caution of Russell Sage and the
+cleverness with which he outwitted those who sought to get some of
+his money from him. Two brilliant promoters went to him one time
+and presented a scheme. The financier listened for an hour, and
+when they departed they were told that Mr. Sage's decision would be
+mailed to them in a few days.</p>
+<p>"I think we have got Uncle Russell," said one of the promoters.
+"I really believe we have won his confidence."</p>
+<p>"I fear not," observed the other doubtfully. "He is too
+suspicious."</p>
+<p>"Suspicious? I didn't observe any sign of it."</p>
+<p>"Didn't you notice that he counted his fingers after I had
+shaken hands with him and we were coming away?"</p>
+<a name="H509" id="H509"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROMOTION</h3>
+<p>Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from
+the cemetery.&mdash;<i>Edward Sanford Martin</i>.</p>
+<a name="H510" id="H510"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROMPTNESS</h3>
+<p>"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?"</p>
+<p>"First out of the building when the bell rings."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The head of a large business house bought a number of those "Do
+it now" signs and hung them up around his offices. When, after the
+first few days of those signs, the business man counted up the
+results, he found that the cashier had skipped out with $20,000,
+the head bookkeeper had eloped with the stenographer, three clerks
+had asked for a raise in salary, and the office boy had lit out for
+the west to become a highwayman.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Are you waiting for me, dear?" she said, coming downstairs at
+last, after spending half an hour fixing her hat.</p>
+<p>"Waiting," exclaimed the impatient man. "Oh no, not
+waiting&mdash;sojourning."</p>
+<a name="H511" id="H511"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PRONUNCIATION</h3>
+<p>A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the
+use of words, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what
+he was saying. On one occasion, in the course of an eloquent
+prayer, he pleaded:</p>
+<p>"O Lord! waken thy cause in the hearts of this congregation and
+give them new eyes to see and new impulse to do. Send down Thy
+lev-er or lee-ver, according to Webster's or Worcester's
+dictionary, whichever Thou usest, and pry them into activity."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I'm at the head of my class, pa," said Willie.</p>
+<p>"Dear me, son, how did that happen?" cried his father.</p>
+<p>"Why, the teacher asked us this morning how to pronounce
+C-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a, and nobody knew," said Willie, "but when she got
+down to me I sneezed and she said that was right."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Liars.</p>
+<a name="H512" id="H512"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROPORTION</h3>
+<p>A middle-aged colored woman in a Georgia village, hearing a
+commotion in a neighbor's cabin, looked in at the door. On the
+floor lay a small boy writhing in great distress while his mother
+bent solicitously over him.</p>
+<p>"What-all's de matter wif de chile?" asked the visitor
+sympathetically.</p>
+<p>"I spec's hit's too much watermillion," responded the
+mother.</p>
+<p>"Ho! go 'long wif you," protested the visitor scornfully. "Dey
+cyan't never be too much watermillion. Hit mus' be dat dere ain't
+enough boy."</p>
+<a name="H513" id="H513"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROPOSALS</h3>
+<p>A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of
+proposal asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a
+young man should propose to a girl on his knees.</p>
+<p>"If he doesn't," replied his friend, "the girl should get
+off."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A gentleman who had been in Chicago only three days, but who had
+been paying attention to a prominent Chicago belle, wanted to
+propose, but was afraid he would be thought too hasty. He
+delicately broached the subject as follows: "If I were to speak to
+you of marriage, after having only made your acquaintance three
+days ago, what would you say of it?"</p>
+<p>"Well, I should say, never put off till tomorrow that which
+should have been done the day before yesterday."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young man from the West,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who proposed to the girl he loved best,</p>
+<p class="i4">But so closely he pressed her</p>
+<p class="i4">To make her say, yes, sir,</p>
+<p class="i2">That he broke two cigars in his vest.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&mdash;<i>The Tobacconist</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>They were dining on fowl in a restaurant. "You see," he
+explained, as he showed her the wishbone, "you take hold here. Then
+we must both make a wish and pull, and when it breaks the one who
+has the bigger part of it will have his or her wish granted." "But
+I don't know what to wish for," she protested. "Oh! you can think
+of something," he said. "No, I can't," she replied; "I can't think
+of anything I want very much." "Well, I'll wish for you," he
+explained. "Will you, really?" she asked. "Yes." "Well, then
+there's no use fooling with the old wishbone," she interrupted with
+a glad smile, "you can have me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Dear May," wrote the young man, "pardon me, but I'm getting so
+forgetful. I proposed to you last night, but really forget whether
+you said yes or no."</p>
+<p>"Dear Will," she replied by note, "so glad to hear from you. I
+know I said 'no' to some one last night, but I had forgotten just
+who it was."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The four Gerton girls were all good-looking; indeed, the three
+younger ones were beautiful; while Annie, the oldest, easily made
+up in capability and horse sense what she lacked in looks.</p>
+<p>A young chap, very eligible, called on the girls frequently, but
+seemed unable to decide which to marry. So Annie put on her
+thinking cap, and, one evening when the young chap called, she
+appeared with her pretty arms bare to the elbow and her hands white
+with flour.</p>
+<p>"Oh, you must excuse my appearance," she said. "I have been
+working in the kitchen all day. I baked bread and pies and cake
+this morning, and afterward, as the cook was ill, I prepared
+dinner."</p>
+<p>"Miss Annie, is that so?" said the young man. He looked at her,
+deeply impressed. Then, after a moment's thought, he said:</p>
+<p>"Miss Annie, there is a question I wish to ask you, and on your
+answer will depend much of my life's happiness."</p>
+<p>"Yes?" she said, with a blush, and she drew a little nearer.
+"Yes? What is it?"</p>
+<p>"Miss Annie," said the young man, in deep earnest tones, "I am
+thinking of proposing to your sister Kate&mdash;will you make your
+home with us?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was at Christmas, and he had been calling on her twice a week
+for six months, but had not proposed.</p>
+<p>"Ethel," he said, "I&mdash;er&mdash;am going to ask you an
+important question."</p>
+<p>"Oh, George," she exclaimed, "this is so sudden! Why,
+I&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"No, excuse me," he interrupted; "what I want to ask is this:
+What date have you and your mother decided upon for our
+wedding?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Scotch beadle led the maiden of his choice to a churchyard
+and, pointing to the various headstones, said:</p>
+<p>"My folks are all buried there, Jennie. Wad ye like to be buried
+there too?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>IMPECUNIOUS LOVER&mdash;"Be mine, Amanda, and you will be
+treated like an angel."</p>
+<p>WEALTHY MAIDEN&mdash;"Yes, I suppose so. Nothing to eat, and
+less to wear. No, thank you."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The surest way to hit a woman's heart is to take aim
+kneeling.&mdash;<i>Douglas Jerrold</i>.</p>
+<a name="H514" id="H514"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROPRIETY</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young lady of Wilts,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who walked up to Scotland on stilts;</p>
+<p class="i4">When they said it was shocking</p>
+<p class="i4">To show so much stocking,</p>
+<p class="i2">She answered: "Then what about kilts?"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H515" id="H515"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROSPERITY</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">May bad fortune follow you all your days</p>
+<p class="i2">And never catch up with you.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H516" id="H516"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH</h3>
+<p>One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusing
+story.</p>
+<p>A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some very
+young kittens to passers-by. One day he accosted the late Reverend
+Phillips Brooks, asking him to purchase, and recommending them as
+good Episcopal kittens. Dr. Brooks laughingly refused, thinking
+them too small to be taken from their mother. A few days later a
+Presbyterian minister who had witnessed this episode was asked by
+the same boy to buy the same kittens. This time the lad announced
+that they were faithful Presbyterians.</p>
+<p>"Didn't you tell Dr. Brooks last week that they were Episcopal
+kittens?" the minister asked sternly.</p>
+<p>"Yes sir," replied the boy quickly, "but they's had their eyes
+opened since then, sir."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Episcopal clergyman who was passing his vacation in a remote
+country district met an old farmer who declared that he was a
+"'Piscopal."</p>
+<p>"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman.</p>
+<p>"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish," was the answer.</p>
+<p>"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question.</p>
+<p>"Nobody," answered the farmer.</p>
+<p>"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman.</p>
+<p>"Well," was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winter I
+went to church, an' it was called 'Piscopal, an' I heerd them say
+that they left undone the things what they'd oughter done and
+they'd done some things what they oughtenter done, and I says to
+myself says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly,' and ever sence then I've
+been a 'Piscopalian."</p>
+<a name="H517" id="H517"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROTESTANTS</h3>
+<p>A Protestant mission meeting had been held in an Irish town and
+this was the gardener's contribution to the controversy that
+ensued: "Pratestants!" he said with lofty scorn, "'Twas mighty
+little St. Paul thought of the Pratestants. You've all heard tell
+of the 'pistle he wrote to the Romans, but I'd ax ye this, did any
+of yez iver hear of his writing a 'pistle to the Pratestants?"</p>
+<a name="H518" id="H518"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROVIDENCE</h3>
+<p>"Why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a
+thousand dollars, Mama?"</p>
+<p>"It was God's will, dear."</p>
+<p>"And was it because God was mad at papa or pleased with the
+doctor?"&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There's a certain minister whose duties sometimes call him out
+of the city. He has always arranged for some one of his
+parishioners to keep company with his wife and little daughter
+during these absences. Recently, however, he was called away so
+suddenly that he had no opportunity of providing a guardian.</p>
+<p>The wife was very brave during the early evening, but after dark
+had fallen her courage began to fail. She stayed up with her little
+girl till there was no excuse for staying any longer and then took
+her upstairs to bed.</p>
+<p>"Now go to sleep, Dearie," she said. "Don't be afraid. God will
+protect you."</p>
+<p>"Yes, Mother," answered the little girl, "that'll be all right
+tonight, but next time let's make better arrangements."</p>
+<a name="H519" id="H519"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PROVINCIALISM</h3>
+<p>Some time ago an English friend of Colonel W.J. Lampton's living
+in New York and having never visited the South, went to Virginia to
+spend a month with friends. After a fortnight of it, he wrote
+back:</p>
+<p>"Oh, I say, old top, you never told me that the South was
+anything like I have found it, and so different to the North. Why,
+man, it's God's country."</p>
+<p>The Colonel, who gets his title from Kentucky, answered promptly
+by postal.</p>
+<p>"Of course it is," he wrote. "You didn't suppose God was a
+Yankee, did you?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A southerner, with the intense love for his own district,
+attended a banquet. The next day a friend asked him who was
+present. With a reminiscent smile he replied: "An elegant gentleman
+from Virginia, a gentleman from Kentucky, a man from Ohio, a
+bounder from Chicago, a fellow from New York, and a galoot from
+Maine."</p>
+<p>They had driven fourteen miles to the lake, and then rowed six
+miles across the lake to get to the railroad station, when the
+Chicago man asked:</p>
+<p>"How in the world do you get your mail and newspapers here in
+the winter when the storms are on?"</p>
+<p>"Wa-al, we don't sometimes. I've seen this lake thick up so that
+it was three weeks before we got a Chicago paper," answered the man
+from "nowhere."</p>
+<p>"Well, you were cut off," said the Chicago man.</p>
+<p>"Ya-as, we were so," was the reply. "Still, the Chicago folks
+were just as badly off."</p>
+<p>"How so?"</p>
+<p>"Wa-al," drawled the man, "we didn't know what was going on in
+Chicago, of course. But then, neither did Chicago folks know what
+was going on down here."</p>
+<a name="H520" id="H520"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS</h3>
+<p>The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the
+witness belonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to
+the court.</p>
+<p>"The court sees no harm in the question," answered the judge.
+"You may answer."</p>
+<p>"Well, I belong to three."</p>
+<p>"What are they?"</p>
+<p>"The Knights of Pythias, the Odd Fellows, and the gas
+company."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Yes, he had some rare trouble with his eyes," said the
+celebrated oculist. "Every time he went to read he would read
+double."</p>
+<p>"Poor fellow," remarked the sympathetic person. "I suppose that
+interfered with his holding a good position?"</p>
+<p>"Not at all. The gas company gobbled him up and gave him a
+lucrative job reading gas-meters."</p>
+<a name="H521" id="H521"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PUBLIC SPEAKERS</h3>
+<p>ORATOR&mdash;"I thought your paper was friendly to me?"</p>
+<p>EDITOR&mdash;"So it is. What's the matter?"</p>
+<p>ORATOR&mdash;"I made a speech at the dinner last night, and you
+didn't print a line of it."</p>
+<p>EDITOR&mdash;"Well, what further proof do you want?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TRAVELING LECTURER FOR SOCIETY (to the remaining
+listener)&mdash;"I should like to thank you, sir, for so
+attentively hearing me to the end of a rather too long speech."</p>
+<p>LOCAL MEMBER OF SOCIETY&mdash;"Not at all, sir. I'm the second
+speaker."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Ex-senator Spooner of Wisconsin says the best speech of
+introduction he ever heard was delivered by the German mayor of a
+small town in Wisconsin, where Spooner had been engaged to
+speak.</p>
+<p>The mayor said:</p>
+<p>"Ladies und shentlemens, I haf been asked to indrotoose you to
+the Honorable Senator Spooner, who vill make to you a speech, yes.
+I haf now done so; he vill now do so."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"When I arose to speak," related a martyred statesman, "some one
+hurled a base, cowardly egg at me and it struck me in the
+chest."</p>
+<p>"And what kind of an egg might that be?" asked a fresh young
+man.</p>
+<p>"A base, cowardly egg," explained the statesman, "is one that
+hits you and then runs."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Uncle Joe" Cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is
+sometimes embarrassing to others. On one occasion an inexperienced
+young fellow was called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which
+ex-speaker Cannon was also present.</p>
+<p>"Gentlemen," began the young fellow, "my opinion is that the
+generality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of
+the generality of&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Sit down, son," interrupted "Uncle Joe." "You are coming out of
+the same hole you went in at."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A South African tribe has an effective method of dealing with
+bores, which might be adopted by Western peoples. This simple tribe
+considers long speeches injurious to the orator and his hearers; so
+to protect both there is an unwritten law that every public orator
+must stand on only one leg when he is addressing an audience. As
+soon as he has to place the other leg on the ground his oration is
+brought to a close, by main force, if necessary.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A rather turgid orator, noted for his verbosity and heaviness,
+was once assigned to do some campaigning in a mining camp in the
+mountains. There were about fifty miners present when he began; but
+when, at the end of a couple of hours, he gave no sign of
+finishing, his listeners dropped away.</p>
+<p>Some went back to work, but the majority sought places to quench
+their thirst, which had been aggravated by the dryness of the
+discourse.</p>
+<p>Finally there was only one auditor left, a dilapidated,
+weary-looking old fellow. Fixing his gaze on him, the orator pulled
+out a large six-shooter and laid it on the table. The old fellow
+rose slowly and drawled out:</p>
+<p>"Be you going to shoot if I go?"</p>
+<p>"You bet I am," replied the speaker. "I'm bound to finish my
+speech, even if I have to shoot to keep an audience."</p>
+<p>The old fellow sighed in a tired manner, and edged slowly away,
+saying as he did so:</p>
+<p>"Well, shoot if you want to. I may jest as well be shot as
+talked to death."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The self-made millionaire who had endowed the school had been
+invited to make the opening speech at the commencement exercises.
+He had not often had a chance of speaking before the public and he
+was resolved to make the most of it. He dragged his address out
+most tiresomely, repeating the same thought over and over. Unable
+to stand it any longer a couple of boys in the rear of the room
+slipped out. A coachman who was waiting outside asked them if the
+millionaire had finished his speech.</p>
+<p>"Gee, yes!" replied the boys, "but he won't stop."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mark Twain once told this story:</p>
+<p>"Some years ago in Hartford, we all went to church one hot,
+sweltering night to hear the annual report of Mr. Hawley, a city
+missionary who went around finding people who needed help and
+didn't want to ask for it. He told of the life in cellars, where
+poverty resided; he gave instances of the heroism and devotion of
+the poor. When a man with millions gives, he said, we make a great
+deal of noise. It's a noise in the wrong place, for it's the
+widow's mite that counts. Well, Hawley worked me up to a great
+pitch. I could hardly wait for him to get through. I had $400 in my
+pocket. I wanted to give that and borrow more to give. You could
+see greenbacks in every eye. But instead of passing the plate then,
+he kept on talking and talking and talking, and as he talked it
+grew hotter and hotter and hotter, and we grew sleepier and
+sleepier and sleepier. My enthusiasm went down, down, down,
+down&mdash;$100 at a clip&mdash;until finally, when the plate did
+come around, I stole ten cents out of it. It all goes to show how a
+little thing like this can lead to crime."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> After dinner speeches; Candidates;
+Politicians.</p>
+<a name="H522" id="H522"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PUNISHMENT</h3>
+<p>A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote
+the teacher:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home except
+in self-defense."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"No, sirree!" ejaculated Bunkerton. "There wasn't any of that
+nonsense in my family. My father never thrashed me in all his
+life."</p>
+<p>"Too bad, too bad," sighed Hickenlooper. "Another wreck due to a
+misplaced switch."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>James the Second, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton, the
+poet, and asked him among other things, if he did not think the
+loss of his sight a judgment upon him for what he had writen
+against his father, Charles the First. Milton answered: "If your
+Highness think my loss of sight a <i>judgment</i> upon me, what do
+you think of your father's losing his head."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A white man during reconstruction times was arraigned before a
+colored justice of the peace for killing a man and stealing his
+mule. It was in Arkansas, near the Texas border, and there was some
+rivalry between the states, but the colored justice tried to
+preserve an impartial frame of mind.</p>
+<p>"We's got two kinds ob law in dis yer co't," he said: "Texas law
+an' Arkansas law. Which will you hab?"</p>
+<p>The prisoner thought a minute and then guessed that he would
+take the Arkansas law.</p>
+<p>"Den I discharge you fo' stealin' de mule, an' hang you fo'
+killin' de man."</p>
+<p>"Hold on a minute, Judge," said the prisoner. "Better make that
+Texas law."</p>
+<p>"All right. Den I fin' you fo' killin' de man, an' hang you fo'
+stealin' de mule."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said
+to the court:</p>
+<p>"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the
+house at all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted
+his right arm and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's
+arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
+individual for an offense committed by only one of his limbs."</p>
+<p>"That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it
+logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's
+imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."</p>
+<p>The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed
+his cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Muriel, a five-year-old subject of King George, has been thought
+by her parents too young to feel the weight of the rod, and has
+been ruled by moral suasion alone. But when, the other day, she
+achieved disobedience three times in five minutes, more vigorous
+measures were called for, and her mother took an ivory paper-knife
+from the table and struck her smartly across her little bare legs.
+Muriel looked astounded. Her mother explained the reason for the
+blow. Muriel thought deeply for a moment. Then, turning toward the
+door with a grave and disapproving countenance, she announced in
+her clear little English voice:</p>
+<p>"I'm going up-stairs to tell God about that paper-knife. And
+then I shall tell Jesus. And if <i>that</i> doesn't do, I shall put
+flannel on my legs!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>During the reconstruction days of Virginia, a negro was
+convicted of murdering his wife and sentenced to be hanged. On the
+morning of the execution he mounted the scaffold with reasonable
+calmness. Just before the noose was to be placed around his neck
+the sheriff asked him if he had anything to say. He studied a
+moment and said:</p>
+<p>"No, suh, boss, thankee, suh, 'ceptin' dis is sho gwine to be a
+lesson to me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What punishment did that defaulting banker get?" "I understand
+his lawyer charged him $40,000."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Indian in Washington County once sized up Maine's game laws
+thus: "Kill cow moose, pay $100; kill man, too bad!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"Willie, did your father cane you for what you did
+in school yesterday?"</p>
+<p>PUPIL&mdash;"No, ma'am; he said the licking would hurt him more
+than it would me."</p>
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"What rot! Your father is too sympathetic."</p>
+<p>PUPIL&mdash;"No, ma'am; but he's got the rheumatism in both
+arms."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Boohoo! Boohoo!" wailed little Johnny.</p>
+<p>"Why, what's the matter, dear?" his mother asked
+comfortingly.</p>
+<p>"Boohoo&mdash;er&mdash;p-picture fell on papa's toes."</p>
+<p>"Well, dear, that's too bad, but you mustn't cry about it, you
+know."</p>
+<p>"I d-d-didn't. I laughed. Boohoo! Boohoo!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The fact that corporal punishment is discouraged in the public
+schools of Chicago is what led Bobby's teacher to address this note
+to the boy's mother:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR MADAM:&mdash;I regret very much to have to tell you that
+your son, Robert, idles away his time, is disobedient, quarrelsome,
+and disturbs the pupils who are trying to study their lessons. He
+needs a good whipping and I strongly recommend that you give him
+one.</p>
+<p class="author">Yours truly,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<br />
+Miss Blank.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>To this Bobby's mother responded as follows:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>Dear Miss Blanks&mdash;Lick him yourself. I ain't mad at
+him.</p>
+<p class="author">Yours truly,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<br />
+Mrs. Dash.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A little fellow who was being subjected to a whipping pinched
+his father under the knee. "Willie, you bad boy! How dare you do
+that?" asked the parent wrathfully.</p>
+<p>A pause. Then Willie answered between sobs: "Well, Father, who
+started this war, anyway?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A little girl about three years old was sent upstairs and told
+to sit on a certain chair that was in the corner of her room, as a
+punishment for something she had done but a few minutes before.</p>
+<p>Soon the silence was broken by the little one's question:
+"Mother, may I come down now?"</p>
+<p>"No, you sit right where you are."</p>
+<p>"All right, 'cause I'm sittin' on your best hat."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is less to suffer punishment than to deserve
+it.&mdash;<i>Ovid</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>If Jupiter hurled his thunderbolt as often as men sinned, he
+would soon be out of thunderbolts.&mdash;<i>Ovid</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Church discipline; Future life; Marriage.</p>
+<a name="H523" id="H523"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PUNS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A father once said to his son,</p>
+<p class="i2">"The next time you make up a pun,</p>
+<p class="i4">Go out in the yard</p>
+<p class="i4">And kick yourself hard,</p>
+<p class="i2">And I will begin when you've done."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H524" id="H524"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>PURE FOOD</h3>
+<p>Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a
+darky complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not
+good.</p>
+<p>"The ham is all right, Zeph," insisted the storekeeper.</p>
+<p>"No, it ain't, boss," insisted the negro. "Dat ham's shore
+bad."</p>
+<p>"How can that be," continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured
+only a week?"</p>
+<p>The darky scratched his head reflectively, and finally
+suggested: "Den, mebbe it's had a relapse."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On a recent trip to Germany, Doctor Harvey Wiley, the pure-food
+expert, heard an allegory with reference to the subject of food
+adulteration which, he contends, should cause Americans to
+congratulate themselves that things are so well ordered in this
+respect in the United States.</p>
+<p>The German allegory was substantially as follows:</p>
+<p>Four flies, which had made their way into a certain pantry,
+determined to have a feast.</p>
+<p>One flew to the sugar and ate heartily; but soon died, for the
+sugar was full of white lead.</p>
+<p>The second chose the flour as his diet, but he fared no better,
+for the flour was loaded with plaster of Paris.</p>
+<p>The third sampled the syrup, but his six legs were presently
+raised in the air, for the syrup was colored with aniline dyes.</p>
+<p>The fourth fly, seeing all his friends dead, determined to end
+his life also, and drank deeply of the fly-poison which he found in
+a convenient saucer.</p>
+<p>He is still alive and in good health. That, too, was
+adulterated.</p>
+<a name="H525" id="H525"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>QUARRELS</h3>
+<p>"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the
+would-be cook.</p>
+<p>"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the
+master an' the missus used to quarrel, mum."</p>
+<p>"Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to
+quarrel?"</p>
+<p>"Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn't me an' him, it was me
+an' her."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I hear ye had words with Casey."</p>
+<p>"We had no words."</p>
+<p>"Then nothing passed between ye?"</p>
+<p>"Nothing but one brick."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There had been a wordy falling-out between Mrs. Halloran and
+Mrs. Donohue; there had been words; nay, more, there had been
+language. Mrs. Halloran had gone to church early in the morning,
+had fulfilled the duties of her religion, and was returning primly
+home, when Mrs. Donohue spied her, and, still smouldering with
+volcanic fire, sent a broadside of lava at Mrs. Halloran. The
+latter heard, flushed, opened her lips&mdash;and then suddenly
+checked herself. After a moment she spoke: "Mrs. Donohue, I've just
+been to church, and I'm in a state of grace. But, plaze Hivin, the
+next time I meet yez, I won't be, and thin I'll till yez what I
+think of yez!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party: there
+is no battle unless there be two.&mdash;<i>Seneca</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Marriage; Servants</p>
+<a name="H526" id="H526"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>QUESTIONS</h3>
+<p>The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she
+remembers.&mdash;<i>Wasp</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the
+twelve-twenty train got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one.
+The ensuing handicap was watched with absorbed interest both from
+the train and the station platform. At its conclusion the
+breathless and perspiring knight of the road wearily took the back
+trail, and a vacant-faced "red-cap" came out to relieve him of his
+grip.</p>
+<p>"Mister," he inquired, "was you tryin' to ketch that
+Pennsylvania train?"</p>
+<p>"No, my son," replied the patient man. "No; I was merely chasing
+it out of the yard."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A party of young men were camping, and to avert annoying
+questions they made it a rule that the one who asked a question
+that he could not answer himself had to do the cooking.</p>
+<p>One evening, while sitting around the fire, one of the boys
+asked: "Why is it that a ground-squirrel never leaves any dirt at
+the mouth of its burrow?"</p>
+<p>They all guessed and missed. So he was asked to answer it
+himself.</p>
+<p>"Why," he said, "because it always begins to dig at the other
+end of the hole."</p>
+<p>"But," one asked, "how does it get to the other end of the
+hole?"</p>
+<p>"Well," was the reply, "that's your question."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A browbeating lawyer was demanding that a witness answer a
+certain question either in the negative or affirmative.</p>
+<p>"I cannot do it," said the witness. "There are some questions
+that cannot be answered by a 'yes' or a 'no,' as any one
+knows."</p>
+<p>"I defy you to give an example to the court," thundered the
+lawyer.</p>
+<p>The retort came like a flash: "Are you still beating your
+wife?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Officers have a right to ask questions in the performance of
+their duty, but there are occasions when it seems as if they might
+curtail or forego the privilege. Not long ago an Irishman whose
+hand had been badly mangled in an accident entered the Boston City
+Hospital relief station in a great hurry. He stepped up to the man
+in charge and inquired:</p>
+<p>"Is this the relief station, sor?"</p>
+<p>"Yes. What is your name?"</p>
+<p>"Patrick O'Connor, sor."</p>
+<p>"Are you married?" questioned the officer.</p>
+<p>"Yis, sor, but is this the relief station?" He was nursing his
+hand in agony.</p>
+<p>"Of course it is. How many children have you?"</p>
+<p>"Eight, sor. But sure, this is the relief station?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, it is," replied the officer, a little angry at the man's
+persistence.</p>
+<p>"Well," said Patrick, "sure, an' I was beginning to think that
+it might be the pumping station."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The sages say, Dame Truth delights to dwell</p>
+<p class="i2">(Strange Mansion!) in the bottom of a well:</p>
+<p class="i2">Questions are then the Windlass and the rope</p>
+<p class="i2">That pull the grave old Gentlewoman up.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>John Wolcott</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Curiosity.</p>
+<a name="H527" id="H527"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>QUOTATIONS</h3>
+<p>Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause
+to be anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to
+telegraph the result. The boy sent the following message to his
+parent: "Hymn 342, fifth verse, last two lines."</p>
+<p>Looking it up the father found the words: "Sorrow vanquished,
+labor ended, Jordan passed."</p>
+<a name="H528" id="H528"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RACE PREJUDICES</h3>
+<p>A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion
+by the recital of a dream had by a member of the church.</p>
+<p>"I was a-dreamin' all dis time," said the narrator, "dat I was
+in ole Satan's dominions. I tell you, pahson, dat was shore a bad
+dream!"</p>
+<p>"Was dere any white men dere?" asked the dusky divine.</p>
+<p>"Shore dere was&mdash;plenty of 'em," the other hastened to
+assure his minister "What was dey a-doin'?"</p>
+<p>"Ebery one of 'em," was the answer, "was a-holdin' a cullud
+pusson between him an' de fire!"</p>
+<a name="H529" id="H529"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RACE PRIDE</h3>
+<p>Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in
+Huntsville, Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one
+of the services an old negro woman pushed her way up through the
+crowd to the edge of the pulpit platform. Sam took the perspiring
+black hand that was held out to him, and heard the old woman say:
+"Brudder Jones, you sho' is a finepreacher! Yes, suh; de Lord bless
+you. You's des everybody's preacher. You's de white folks'
+preacher, and de niggers' preacher, and everybody's preacher.
+Brudder Jones, yo' skin's white, but, thank de Lord, yo' heart's
+des as black as any nigger's!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Irishman and a Jew were discussing the great men who had
+belonged toeach race and, as may be expected, got into a heated
+argument. Finally the Irishman said:</p>
+<p>"Ikey, listen. For ivery great Jew ye can name ye may pull out
+one of me whiskers, an' for ivery great Irishman I can name I'll
+pull one of yours. Is it a go?"</p>
+<p>They consented, and Pat reached over, got hold of a whisker,
+said, "Robert Emmet,' and pulled.</p>
+<p>"Moses!" said the Jew, and pulled one of Pat's tenderest.</p>
+<p>"Dan O'Connell," said Pat and took another.</p>
+<p>"Abraham," said Ikey, helping himself again.</p>
+<p>"Patrick Henry," returned Pat with a vicious yank.</p>
+<p>"The Twelve Apostles," said the Jew, taking a handful of
+whiskers.</p>
+<p>Pat emitted a roar of pain, grasped the Jew's beard with both
+hands, and yelled, "The ancient Order of Hibernians!"</p>
+<a name="H530" id="H530"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RACE SUICIDE</h3>
+<p>"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?"</p>
+<p>"Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent
+me a flat."</p>
+<p>"Well, that is his privilege."</p>
+<p>"But, your Honor, he calls his apartment house 'The
+Roosevelt.'"</p>
+<a name="H531" id="H531"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RACES</h3>
+<p>In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of
+mankind?" a Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles,
+the quartermile,the mile, and the three miles."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Now, Thomas," said the foreman of the construction gang to a
+green handwho had just been put on the job, "keep your eyes open.
+When you see a train coming throw down your tools and jump off the
+track. Run like blazes."</p>
+<p>"Sure!" said Thomas, and began to swing his pick. In a few
+moments the Empire State Express came whirling along. Thomas threw
+down his pick and started up the track ahead of the train as fast
+as he could run. The train overtook him and tossed him into a
+ditch. Badly shaken up he was taken to the hospital, where the
+foreman visited him.</p>
+<p>"You blithering idiot," said the foreman, "didn't I tell you to
+get out of the road? Didn't I tell you to take care and get out of
+the way? Why didn't you run up the side of the hill?"</p>
+<p>"Up the soide of the hill is it, sor?" said Thomas through the
+bandages on his face. "Up the soide of the hill? Be the powers, I
+couldn't bate it on the level, let alone runnin' uphill!"</p>
+<a name="H532" id="H532"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RAILROADS</h3>
+<p>"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey,
+"des look at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de
+state, ter dem folks 'way up North what never done nuthin' ter
+deserve sich a dispensation!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On one of the southern railroads there is a station-building
+that is commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad
+station in America. It is of this station that the story is told
+that an old farmer was expecting a chicken-house to arrive there,
+and he sent one of his hands, a new-comer, to fetch it. Arriving
+there the man saw the house, loaded it on to his wagon and started
+for home. On the way he met a man in uniform with the words
+"Station Agent" on his cap.</p>
+<p>"Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?" he asked.</p>
+<p>"My chicken-house, of course," was the reply.</p>
+<p>"Chicken-house be jiggered!" exploded the official. "That's
+thestation!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I read of the terrible vengeance inflicted upon one of their
+members by a band of robbers in Mississippi last week."</p>
+<p>"What did they do? Shoot him?"</p>
+<p>"No; they tied him upon the railroad tracks."</p>
+<p>"Awful! And he was ground to pieces, I suppose?"</p>
+<p>"Nothing like it. The poor fellow starved to death waiting for
+the nexttrain."&mdash;<i>W. Dayton Wegefarth</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The reporter who had accompanied the special train to the scene
+of the wreck, hurried down the embankment and found a man who had
+one arm in a sling, a bandage over one eye, his front teeth gone,
+and his nose knocked four points to starboard, sitting on a piece
+of the locomotive and surveying the horrible ruin all about
+him.</p>
+<p>"Can you give me some particulars of this accident?" asked the
+reporter, taking out his notebook.</p>
+<p>"I haven't heard of any accident, young man," replied the
+disfigured party stiffly.</p>
+<p>He was one of the directors of the railroad.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Hon. John Sharp Williams had an engagement to speak in a
+small southern town. The train he was traveling on was not of the
+swiftest, and he lost no opportunity of keeping the conductor
+informed as to his opinions of that particular road.</p>
+<p>"Well, if yer don't like it," the conductor finally blurted out,
+"why in thunder don't yer git out an' walk?"</p>
+<p>"I would," Mr. Williams blandly replied, "but you see the
+committee doesn't expect me until this train gets in."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"We were bounding along," said a recent traveler on a local
+South African single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven
+miles an hour, and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected
+every moment to see my bones protruding through my skin. Passengers
+were rolling from oneend of the car to the other. I held on firmly
+to the arms of the seat. Presently we settled down a bit quieter;
+at least, I could keep my hat on, and my teeth didn't
+chatter."There was a quiet looking man opposite me. I looked up
+with a ghastly smile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said:</p>
+<p>"'We are going a bit smoother, I see.'</p>
+<p>"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Three men were talking in rather a large way as to the excellent
+train service each had in his special locality: one was from the
+west, one from New England, and the other from New York. The former
+two had told of marvelous doings of trains, and it is distinctly
+"up" to the man from New York.</p>
+<p>"Now in New York," he said, "we not only run our trains fast,
+but we also start them fast. I remember the case of a friend of
+mine whose wife went to see him off for the west on the
+Pennsylvania at Jersey City. As the train was about to start my
+friend said his final good-by to his wife, and leaned down from the
+car platform to kiss her. The train started, and, would you believe
+it, my friend found himself kissing a strange woman on the platform
+at Trenton!"</p>
+<p>And the other men gave it up.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Say, young man," asked an old lady at the ticket-office, "what
+time does the next train pull in here and how long does it
+stay?"</p>
+<p>"From two to two to two-two," was the curt reply.</p>
+<p>"Well, I declare! Be you the whistle?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An express on the Long Island Railroad was tearing away at a
+wild and awe-inspiring rate of six miles an hour, when all of a
+sudden it stopped altogether. Most of the passengers did not notice
+the difference; but one of them happened to be somewhat anxious to
+reach his destination before old age claimed him for its own. He
+put his head through the window to find that the cause of the stop
+was a cow on the track. After a while they continued the journey
+for half an hour or so, and then&mdash;another stop.</p>
+<p>"What's wrong now?" asked the impatient passenger of the
+conductor.</p>
+<p>"A cow on the track."</p>
+<p>"But I thought you drove it off."</p>
+<p>"So we did," said the conductor, "but we caught up with it
+again."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The president of one great southern railway pulled into a
+southern city in his private car. It was also the terminal of a
+competing road, and the private car of the president of the other
+line was on a side track. There was great rivalry between these two
+lines, which extended from the president of each down to the most
+humble employe. In the evening the colored cook from one of the
+cars wandered over to pass the time of day with the cook on the
+other car.</p>
+<p>One of these roads had recently had an appalling list of
+accidents, and the death-toll was exceptionally high. The cook from
+this road sauntered up to the back platform of the private car, and
+after an interchange of courtesies said:</p>
+<p>"Well, how am youh ole jerkwatah railroad these days? Am you
+habbing prosper's times?"</p>
+<p>"Man," said the other, "we-all am so prosperous that if we was
+any moah prosperous we just naturally couldn't stand hit."</p>
+<p>"Hough!" said the other, "we-all am moah prosperous than
+you-all."</p>
+<p>"Man," said the other, "we dun carry moah'n a million passengers
+last month."</p>
+<p>"Foah de Lord's sake!" ejaculated the first negro. "You-all
+carried moah'n a million passengers? Go on with you, nigger; we dun
+kill moah passengers than you carry."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was on a little branch railway in a southern state that the
+New England woman ventured to refer to the high rates.</p>
+<p>"It seems to me five cents a mile is extortion," she said, with
+frankness, to her southern cousin.</p>
+<p>"It's a big lot of money to pay if you think of it by the mile,"
+said the southerner, in her soft drawl; "but you just think how
+cheap it is by the hour, Cousin Annie&mdash;only about thirty-five
+cents."&mdash;<i>Youth's</i> Companion.</p>
+<a name="H533" id="H533"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RAPID TRANSIT</h3>
+<p>One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was
+walking down a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of
+ice under the snow caused him to lose control of his feet; he began
+to slide and was unable to stop.</p>
+<p>At a cross-street half-way down the decline he encountered a
+large, heavy woman, with her arms full of bundles. The meeting was
+sudden, and before either realized it a collision ensued and both
+were sliding down hill, a grand ensemble&mdash;the thin man
+underneath, the fat woman and bundles on top. When the bottom was
+reached and the woman was trying in vain to recover her breath and
+her feet, these faint words were borne to her ear:</p>
+<p>"Pardon me, madam, but you will have to get off here. This is as
+far as I go."</p>
+<a name="H534" id="H534"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>READING</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Books and Reading.</p>
+<a name="H535" id="H535"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REAL ESTATE AGENTS</h3>
+<p>Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little
+fib."</p>
+<p>ANITA&mdash;"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the
+same as a lie."</p>
+<p>NELLY&mdash;"No, it is not."</p>
+<p>ANITA&mdash;"Yes, it is, because my father said so, and my
+father is a professor at the university."</p>
+<p>NELLY&mdash;"I don't care if he is. My father is a real estate
+man, and he knows more about lying than your father does."</p>
+<a name="H536" id="H536"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REALISM</h3>
+<p>The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole
+Olson, who later became the little town's mayor.</p>
+<p>"One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless,
+and breathless, come rushin' into the store, an' droppin' on his
+knees yelled, 'Yon, Yon, hide me, hide me! Ye sheriff's after
+me!'</p>
+<p>"'I've no place to hide you here, Ole,' said I.</p>
+<p>"'You moost, you moost!' screamed Ole.</p>
+<p>"'Crawl into that gunny-sack then,' said I.</p>
+<p>"He'd no more'n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff.</p>
+<p>"'Seen Ole?' said he.</p>
+<p>"'Don't see him here,' said I, without lyin'.</p>
+<p>"Then the sheriff went a-nosin' round an' pretty soon he spotted
+the gunny-sack over in the corner.</p>
+<p>"'What's in here?' said he.</p>
+<p>"'Oh, just some old harness and sleigh-bells,' said I.</p>
+<p>"With that he gives it an awful boot.</p>
+<p>"'Yingle, yingle, yingle!' moaned Ole."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MOTHER&mdash;"Tommy, if you're pretending to be an automobile, I
+wish you'd run over to the store and get me some butter."</p>
+<p>TOMMY&mdash;"I'm awful sorry, Mother, but I'm all out of
+gasoline."&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Children," said the teacher, instructing the class in
+composition, "you should not attempt any flights of fancy; simply
+be yourselves and write what is in you. Do not imitate any other
+person's writings or draw inspiration from outside sources."</p>
+<p>As a result of this advice Tommy Wise turned out the following
+composition: "We should not attempt any flights of fancy, but write
+what is in us. In me there is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two
+apples, one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my
+dinner."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"A great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of
+art," says a New York artist, "and it must be confessed that some
+ground has been given to the enemy. Why, there recently came to my
+notice a picture of an Assyrian bath, done by a Chicago man, and so
+careful was he of all the details that the towels hanging up were
+all marked 'Nebuchadnezzar' in the corner, in cuneiform
+characters."</p>
+<a name="H537" id="H537"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RECALL</h3>
+<p>SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER&mdash;"Johnny, what is the text from
+Judges?"</p>
+<p>JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in
+Washington for six years."</p>
+<p>"I don't know about that. My state has the recall."</p>
+<a name="H538" id="H538"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RECOMMENDATIONS</h3>
+<p>A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for
+swindling. In acquitting them the court, with great severity,
+said:</p>
+<p>"There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone
+wishes to know my opinion of you I hope that they will refer to
+me."</p>
+<p>Next day the firm's advertisement appeared in every available
+medium with the following, well displayed: "Reference as to
+probity, by special permission, the Lord Chief Justice of
+England."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MISTRESS&mdash;"Have you a reference?"</p>
+<p>BRIDGET&mdash;"Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got
+it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There is a story of a Scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his
+gardener for dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wife and family,
+however, he gave him a "character," and framed it in this way: "I
+hereby certify that A. B. has been my gardener for over two years,
+and that during that time he got more out of the garden than any
+man I ever employed."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The buxom maid had been hinting that she did not think much of
+working out, and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of
+a rather sheepish young man caused her mistress much
+apprehension.</p>
+<p>"Martha, is it possible that you are thinking of getting
+married?"</p>
+<p>"Yes'm," admitted Martha, blushing.</p>
+<p>"Not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately?"</p>
+<p>"Yes'm he's the one."</p>
+<p>"But you have only known him a few days."</p>
+<p>"Three weeks come Thursday," corrected Martha.</p>
+<p>"Do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking
+such an important step?"</p>
+<p>"Well," answered Martha with spirit, "'tain't 's if he was some
+new feller. He's well recommended; a perfectly lovely girl I know
+was engaged to him for a long while."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Englishman and an Irishman went to the captain of a ship
+bound for America and asked permission to work their passage over.
+The captain consented, but asked the Irishman for references and
+let the Englishman go on without them. This made the Irishman angry
+and he planned to get even.</p>
+<p>One day when they were washing off the deck, the Englishman
+leaned far over the rail, dropped the bucket, and was just about to
+haul it up when a huge wave came and pulled him overboard. The
+Irishman stopped scrubbing, went over to the rail and, seeing the
+Englishman had disappeared, went to the Captain and said: "Perhaps
+yez remember whin I shipped aboard this vessel ye asked me for
+riferences and let the Englishman come on widout thim?"</p>
+<p>The Captain said: "Yes, I remember."</p>
+<p>"Well, ye've been decaved," said the Irishman; "he's gone off
+wid yer pail!"</p>
+<a name="H539" id="H539"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RECONCILIATIONS</h3>
+<p>"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing."</p>
+<p>"Why don't you make up?"</p>
+<p>"I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity."</p>
+<a name="H540" id="H540"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REFORMERS</h3>
+<p>LOUISE&mdash;"The man that Edith married is a reformer."</p>
+<p>JULIA&mdash;"How did he lose his money?"&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want
+land reform," he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want
+educational reform, I want&mdash;"</p>
+<p>And said a bored voice in the audience: "Chloroform."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The young woman sat before her glass and gazed long and
+earnestly at the reflection there. She screwed up her face in many
+ways. She fluffed her hair and then smoothed it down again; she
+raised her eyes and lowered them; she showed her teeth and she
+pressed her lips tightly together. At last she got up, with a weary
+sigh, and said:</p>
+<p>"It's no use. I'll be some kind of reformer."</p>
+<a name="H541" id="H541"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REGRETS</h3>
+<p>A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor,
+telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by
+post."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>After the death of Lord Houghton, there was found in his
+correspondence the following reply to a dinner invitation: "Mrs.
+&mdash;&mdash; presents her compliments to Lord Houghton. Her
+husband died on Tuesday, otherwise he would have been delighted to
+dine with Lord Houghton on Thursday next."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A young woman prominent in the social set of an Ohio town tells
+of a young man there who had not familiarized himself with the
+forms of polite correspondence to the fullest extent. When, on one
+occasion, he found it necessary to decline an invitation, he did so
+in the following terms:</p>
+<p>"Mr. Henry Blank declines with pleasure Mrs. Wood's invitation
+for the nineteenth, and thanks her extremely for having given him
+the opportunity of doing so."</p>
+<a name="H542" id="H542"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<div class="stanza">
+<h3>REHEARSALS</h3>
+<p>The funeral procession was moving along the village street when
+Uncle Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho,"
+said Uncle Abe, "who they buryin' today?"</p>
+<p>"Pore old Tite Harrison," said the storekeeper.</p>
+<p>"Sho," said Uncle Abe. "Tite Harrison, hey? Is Tite dead?"</p>
+<p>"You don't think we're rehearsin' with him, do you?" snapped the
+storekeeper.</p>
+<a name="H543" id="H543"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RELATIVES</h3>
+<p>"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose
+one's relatives."</p>
+<p>"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is
+impossible!"</p>
+<a name="H544" id="H544"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RELIGIONS</h3>
+<p>When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip
+to Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might
+discover some new religion to bring home with him. "But be careful
+of it, Bishop Brooks," remarked a listening friend; "it may be
+difficult to get your new religion through the Custom House."</p>
+<p>"I guess not," replied the Bishop, laughingly, "for we may take
+it for granted that any new religion popular enough to import will
+have no duties attached to it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At a recent conference of Baptists, Methodists, and English
+Friends, in the city of Chengtu, China, two Chinamen were heard
+discussing the three denominations. One of them said to the
+other:</p>
+<p>"They say these denominations have different beliefs. Just what
+is the difference between them?"</p>
+<p>"Oh," said the other, "Not much! Big washee, little washee, no
+washee, that is all."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A recent book on Russia relates the story of the anger of the
+Apostle John because a certain peasant burned no tapers to his
+ikon, but honored, instead, the ikon of Apostle Peter in St. John's
+own church. The two apostles talked it over as they walked the
+fields near Kieff, and Apostle John decided to send a terrible
+storm to destroy the just ripe corn of the peasant. His decision
+was carried out, and the next day he met Apostle Peter and boasted
+of his punishing wrath.</p>
+<p>And Apostle Peter only laughed. "Ai, yi, yi, Apostle John," he
+said, "what a mess you've made of it. I stepped around, saw my
+friend, and told him what you were going to do, so he sold his corn
+to the priest of your church."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The priest of a New York parish met one of his parishioners, who
+had long been out of work, and asked him whether he had found
+anything to do. The man grinned with infinite satisfaction, and
+replied:</p>
+<p>"Yiss indade, ycr Riverince, an' a foine job too! Oi'm gettin'
+three dollars a day fur pullin' down a Prodesant church!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one
+night, but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the
+grasp of a policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me.
+I'm a somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care
+what your religion is&mdash;yer can't walk the streets in yer
+nightshirt."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The friendship existing between Father Kelly and Rabbi Levi is
+proof against differences in race and religion. Each distinguished
+for his learning, his eloquence and his wit; and they delight in
+chaffing each other. They were seated opposite each other at a
+banquet where some delicious roast ham was served and Father Kelly
+made comments upon its flavor. Presently he leaned forward and in a
+voice that carried far, he addressed his friend:</p>
+<p>"Rabbi Levi, when are you going to become liberal enough to eat
+ham?"</p>
+<p>"At your wedding, Father Kelly," retorted the rabbi.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The broad-minded see the truth in different religions; the
+narrow-minded</p>
+<p>see only their differences.&mdash;<i>Chinese Proverb</i>.</p>
+<a name="H545" id="H545"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REMEDIES</h3>
+<p>MISTRESS&mdash;"Did the mustard plaster do you any good,
+Bridget?"</p>
+<p>MAID&mdash;"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SUFFERER&mdash;"I have a terrible toothache and want something
+to cure it."</p>
+<p>FRIEND&mdash;"Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a
+toothache yesterday and I went home and my loving wife kissed me
+and so consoled me that the pain soon passed away. Why don't you
+try the same?"</p>
+<p>SUFFERER&mdash;"I think I will. Is your wife at home now?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">For every ill beneath the sun</p>
+<p class="i2">There is some remedy or none;</p>
+<p class="i2">If there be one, resolve to find it;</p>
+<p class="i2">If not, submit, and never mind it.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H546" id="H546"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REMINDERS</h3>
+<p>The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast:</p>
+<p>"Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier,
+countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole.
+You'll be sure to remember?"</p>
+<p>The tired eyes of the harassed, shabby promoter lit up with joy.
+He seized a skipping rope that lay with a heap of dolls and toys in
+a corner, and going to his wife, he said:</p>
+<p>"Here, tie my right hand to my left foot so I won't forget!"</p>
+<a name="H547" id="H547"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REPARTEE</h3>
+<p>Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the
+next morning.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an
+Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures. The boss, thinking
+that he would get ahead of Pat, said: "Say, Pat, how many shirts
+can you get out of a yard?"</p>
+<p>"That depends," answered Pat, "on whose yard you get into."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the
+Grand Central Station in New York the other day.</p>
+<p>"Young man," he said, plucking his sleeve, "I wanter go to
+Central Park."</p>
+<p>The youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment.</p>
+<p>"Well," he said finally, "you may just this once. But I don't
+want you ever, <i>ever</i> to ask me again."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SEEDY VISITOR&mdash; "Do you have many wrecks about here, boatman?"</p>
+<p>BOATMAN&mdash;"Not very many, sir. You're the first I've seen
+this season."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>HER DAD&mdash;"No, sir; I won't have my daughter tied for life to a
+stupid fool."</p>
+<p>HER SUITOR&mdash;"Then don't you think you'd better let me take her
+off your hands?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Wendell Phillips was traveling through Ohio once when he fell in
+with a car full of ministers returning from a convention. One of
+the ministers, a southerner from Kentucky, was naturally not very
+cordial to the opinions of the great abolitionist and set out to
+embarrass Mr. Phillips. So, before the group of ministers, he
+said:</p>
+<p>"You are Wendell Phillips, are you not?"</p>
+<p>"Yes," answered the great abolitionist.</p>
+<p>"And you are trying to free the niggers, aren't you?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir; I am."</p>
+<p>"Well, why do you preach your doctrines up here? Why don't you
+go over into Kentucky?"</p>
+<p>"Excuse me, are you a preacher?"</p>
+<p>"I am, sir."</p>
+<p>"Are you trying to save souls from hell?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir; that is my business."</p>
+<p>"Well, why don't you go there then?" asked Mr. Phillips.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SOLEMN SENIOR&mdash;"So your efforts to get on the team were
+fruitless, were they?"</p>
+<p>FOOLISH FRESHMAN&mdash;"Oh, no! Not at all. They gave me a
+lemon."&mdash;<i>Harvard Lampoon</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A benevolent person watched a workman laboriously windlassing
+rock from a shaft while the broiling sun was beating down on his
+bare head.</p>
+<p>"My dear man," observed the onlooker, "are you not afraid that
+your brain will be affected in the hot sun?"</p>
+<p>The laborer contemplated him for a moment and then replied:</p>
+<p>"Do you think a man with any brains would be working at this
+kind of a job?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Winston Churchill, the young English statesman, recently began
+to raise a mustache, and while it was still in the budding stage he
+was asked at a dinner party to take in to dinner an English girl
+who had decided opposing political views.</p>
+<p>"I am sorry," said Mr. Churchill, "we cannot agree on
+politics."</p>
+<p>"No, we can't," rejoined the girl, "for to be frank with you I
+like your politics about as little as I do your mustache."</p>
+<p>"Well," replied Mr. Churchill, "remember that you are not likely
+to come into contact with either."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Strickland Gillilan, the lecturer and the man who pole-vaulted
+into fame by his "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in, Finnigin" verses, was about
+to deliver a lecture in a small Missouri town. He asked the
+chairman of the committee whether he might have a small pitcher of
+ice-water on the platform table.</p>
+<p>"To drink?" queried the committeeman.</p>
+<p>"No," answered Gillilan. "I do a high-diving act."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TRAVELER&mdash;"Say, boy, your corn looks kind of yellow."</p>
+<p>BOY&mdash;"Yes, sir. That's the kind we planted."</p>
+<p>TRAVELER&mdash;"Looks as though you will only have half a
+crop."</p>
+<p>BOY&mdash;"Don't expect any more. The landlord gets the other
+half."</p>
+<p>TRAVELER (after a moment's thought)&mdash;"Say, there is not
+much difference between you and a fool."</p>
+<p>BOY&mdash;"No, sir. Only the fence."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>President Lincoln was busily engaged in his office when an
+attendant, a young man of sixteen, unceremoniously entered and gave
+him a card. Without rising, the President glanced at the card.
+"Pshaw. She here again? I told her last week that I could not
+interfere in her case. I cannot see her," he said impatiently. "Get
+rid of her any way you can. Tell her I am asleep, or anything you
+like."</p>
+<p>Quickly returning to the lady in an adjacent room, this
+exceedingly bright boy said to her, "The President told me to tell
+you that he is asleep."</p>
+<p>The lady's eyes sparkled as she responded, "Ah, he says he is
+asleep, eh? Well, will you be kind enough to return and ask him
+when he intends to wake up?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The garrulous old lady in the stern of the boat had pestered the
+guide with her comments and questions ever since they had started.
+Her meek little husband, who was hunched toad-like in the bow,
+fished in silence. The old lady had seemingly exhausted every
+possible point in fish and animal life, woodcraft, and personal
+history when she suddenly espied one of those curious paths of
+oily, unbroken water frequently seen on small lakes which are
+ruffled by a light breeze.</p>
+<p>"Oh, guide, guide," she exclaimed, "what makes that funny streak
+in the water&mdash;No, there&mdash;Right over there!"</p>
+<p>The guide was busy re-baiting the old gentleman's hook and
+merely mumbled "U-m-mm."</p>
+<p>"Guide," repeated the old lady in tones that were not to be
+denied, "look right over there where I'm pointing and tell me what
+makes that funny streak in the water."</p>
+<p>The guide looked up from his baiting with a sigh.</p>
+<p>"That? Oh, that's where the road went across the ice last
+winter."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Nothing more clearly expresses the sentiments of Harvard men in
+seasons of athletic rivalry than the time-honored "To hell with
+Yale!"</p>
+<p>Once when Dean Briggs, of Harvard, and Edward Everett Hale were
+on their way to a game at Soldiers' Field a friend asked:</p>
+<p>"Where are you going, Dean?"</p>
+<p>"To yell with Hale," answered Briggs with a meaning smile.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>John Kendrick Bangs one day called up his wife on the telephone.
+The maid at the other end did not recognize her "master's voice,"
+and after Bangs had told her whom he wanted the maid asked:</p>
+<p>"Do you wish to speak with Mrs. Bangs?"</p>
+<p>"No, indeed," replied the humorist; "I want to kiss her."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A boy took a position in an office where two different
+telephones were installed.</p>
+<p>"Your wife would like to speak to you on the 'phone, sir," he
+said to his employer.</p>
+<p>"Which one?" inquired the boss, starting toward the two
+booths.</p>
+<p>"Please, sir, she didn't say, and I didn't know that you had
+more than one."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Englishman was being shown the sights along the Potomac.
+"Here," remarked the American, "is where George Washington threw a
+dollar across the river."</p>
+<p>"Well," replied the Englishman, "that is not very remarkable,
+for a dollar went much further in those days than it does now."</p>
+<p>The American would not be worsted, so, after a short pause, he
+said: "But Washington accomplished a greater feat than that. He
+once chucked a sovereign across the Atlantic."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Pat was busy on a road working with his coat off. There were two
+Englishmen laboring on the same road, so they decided to have a
+joke with the Irishman. They painted a donkey's head on the back of
+Pat's coat, and watched to see him put it on. Pat, of course, saw
+the donkey's head on his coat, and, turning to the Englishmen,
+said:</p>
+<p>"Which of yez wiped your face on me coat?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A district leader went to Sea Girt, in 1912, to see the
+Democratic candidate for President. In the course of an animated
+conversation, the leader, noticing that Governor Wilson's
+eyeglasses were perched perilously near the tip of his nose
+remarked: "Your glasses, Governor, are almost on your mouth."</p>
+<p>"That's all right," was the quick response. "I want to see what
+I'm talking about."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>According to the London <i>Globe</i> two Germans were halted at
+the French frontier by the customs officers. "We have each to
+declare three bottles of red wine," said one of the Germans to the
+<i>douaniers</i>. "How much to pay?"</p>
+<p>"Where are the bottles?" asked the customs man.</p>
+<p>"They are within!" laughed the Teuton making a gesture.</p>
+<p>The French <i>douanier</i>, unruffled, took down his tariff book
+and read, or pretended to read: "Wines imported in bottles pay so
+much, wines imported in barrels pay so much, and wines <i>en peaux
+d'&acirc;ne</i> pay no duty. You can pass, gentlemen."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A small boy was hoeing corn in a sterile field by the roadside,
+when a passer-by stopped and said:</p>
+<p>"'Pears to me your corn is rather small."</p>
+<p>"Certainly," said the boy; "it's dwarf corn."</p>
+<p>"But it looks yaller."</p>
+<p>"Certainly; we planted the yaller kind."</p>
+<p>"But it looks as if you wouldn't get more than half a crop."</p>
+<p>"Of course not; we planted it on halves."</p>
+<a name="H548" id="H548"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REPORTING</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Journalism; Newspapers.</p>
+<a name="H549" id="H549"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REPUBLICAN PARTY</h3>
+<p>The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention in
+Baltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally
+well-known Democrat:</p>
+<p>"I understand there were some Republicans at the banquet last
+night."</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes," said the Democrat genially, "one waited on me."</p>
+<a name="H550" id="H550"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REPUTATION</h3>
+<p>Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they
+ought to, but really can't.&mdash;<i>Frank Richardson</i>.</p>
+<a name="H551" id="H551"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RESEMBLANCES</h3>
+<p>Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the
+local pride of one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He
+also has the prejudice against being taken for an Indianian which
+seems inherent in all native-born Kentuckians. While coming to
+Congress, several sessions ago, he was approached in the Pullman
+coach by a New Yorker, who, after bowing politely to him, said:</p>
+<p>"Is not this Senator Blackburn of Indiana?"</p>
+<p>The Kentuckian sprang from his seat, and glaring at his
+interlocutor exclaimed angrily:</p>
+<p>"No, sir, by &mdash;&mdash;. The reason I look so bad is I have
+been sick!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Every time the baby looks into my face he smiles," said Mr.
+Meekins.</p>
+<p>"Well," answered his wife, "it may not be exactly polite, but it
+shows he has a sense of humor."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mark Twain constantly received letters and photographs from men
+who had been told that they looked like him. One was from Florida,
+and the likeness, as shown by the man's picture, was really
+remarkable so remarkable, indeed, that Mr. Clemens sent the
+following acknowledgment:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"My Dear Sir: I thank you very much for your letter and the
+photograph. In my opinion you are certainly more like me than any
+other of my doubles. In fact, I am sure that if you stood before me
+in a mirrorless frame I could shave by you."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>NEIGHBOR: "Johnny, I think in looks you favor your mother a
+great deal."</p>
+<p>JOHNNY: "Well. I may look like her, but do you tink dat's a
+favor?"</p>
+<a name="H552" id="H552"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RESIGNATION</h3>
+<p>"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the
+minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting.</p>
+<p>"No, sir, I don't," replied the deacon "You've been preachin' on
+the subject of resignation for two years an' ye haven't resigned
+yet."</p>
+<a name="H553" id="H553"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RESPECTABILITY</h3>
+<p>"Is he respectable?"'</p>
+<p>"Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than
+stealing a railroad."&mdash;<i>Wasp</i>.</p>
+<a name="H554" id="H554"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REST CURE</h3>
+<p>A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and
+with a pair of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back
+door in Wyoming and asked for light housework. She said that her
+name was Lizzie, and explained that she had been ill with typhoid
+and was convalescing.</p>
+<p>"Where did you come from, Lizzie?" inquired the woman of the
+house. "Where have you been?"</p>
+<p>"I've been workin' out on Howell's ranch," replied Lizzie,
+"diggin' post-holes while I was gittin' my strength back."</p>
+<a name="H555" id="H555"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RETALIATION</h3>
+<p>You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always
+comin' up and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are
+ye?'"</p>
+<p>"I know him."</p>
+<p>"I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me&mdash;some of them
+clear Havanny&mdash;but I'll get even with him now."</p>
+<p>"How will you do it?"</p>
+<p>"I'll tell ye. Jim always hits me over the vest pocket where I
+carry my cigars. He'll hit me just once more. There's no cigar in
+me vest pocket this mornin'. Instead of it, there's a stick of
+dynamite, d'ye mind!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Once when Henry Ward Beecher was in the midst of an eloquent
+political speech some wag in the audience crowed like a cock. It
+was done to perfection and the audience was convulsed with
+laughter. The great orator's friends felt uneasy as to his
+reception of the interruption.</p>
+<p>But Mr. Beecher stood perfectly calm. He stopped speaking,
+listened till the crowing ceased, and while the audience was
+laughing he pulled out his watch. Then he said: "That's strange. My
+watch says it is only ten o'clock. But there can't be any mistake
+about it. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower
+animals are absolutely infallible."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Episcopal clergyman, rector of a fashionable church in one of
+Boston's most exclusive suburbs, so as not to be bothered with the
+innumerable telephone calls that fall to one in his profession, had
+his name left out of the telephone book. A prominent merchant of
+the same name, living in the same suburb, was continually annoyed
+by requests to officiate at funerals and baptisms. He went to the
+rector, told his troubles in a kindly way, and asked the parson to
+have his name put in the directory. But without success.</p>
+<p>The merchant then determined to complain to the telephone
+company. As he was writing the letter, one Saturday evening, the
+telephone rang and the timid voice of a young man asked if the Rev.
+Mr. Blank would marry him at once. A happy thought came to the
+merchant: "No, I'm too damn busy writing my sermon," he
+replied.</p>
+<a name="H5551" id="H5551"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REVOLUTIONS</h3>
+<p>Haiti was in the midst of a revolution.</p>
+<p>As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so
+that a third was about to be caught between them.</p>
+<p>The commander of the third party saw the predicament. On the
+right government troops, on the left insurgents.</p>
+<p>"General, why do you not give the order to fire?" asked an aide,
+dashing up on a lame mule.</p>
+<p>"I would like to," responded the general, "but, Great Scott! I
+can't remember which side we're fighting for."</p>
+<a name="H556" id="H556"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>REWARDS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Said a great Congregational preacher</p>
+<p class="i2">To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature."</p>
+<p class="i4">And the hen, just for that,</p>
+<p class="i4">Laid an egg in his hat,</p>
+<p class="i2">And thus did the Hen reward Beecher.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H557" id="H557"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>RHEUMATISM</h3>
+<p>FARMER BARNES&mdash;"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell
+when it's going to rain, ye know."</p>
+<p>MRS. BARNES&mdash;"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never
+heard o' such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye
+th' rheumatis for?"&mdash;<i>Tit-Bits</i>.</p>
+<a name="H558" id="H558"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ROADS</h3>
+<p>A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an
+Englishman, and the latter complained of the mud in America.</p>
+<p>"Yes," said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over
+here."</p>
+<p>"Nonsense!" said the Englishman.</p>
+<p>"Fact," the American replied. "Why, this afternoon I had a
+remarkable adventure&mdash;came near getting into trouble with an
+old gentleman&mdash;all through your confounded mud."</p>
+<p>"Some of the streets are a little greasy at this season, I
+admit," said the Englishman. "What was your adventure, though?"</p>
+<p>"Well," said the American, "as I was walking along I noticed
+that the mud was very thick, and presently I saw a high hat afloat
+on a large puddle of very rich ooze. Thinking to do some one a
+kindness, I gave the hat a poke with my stick, when an old
+gentleman looked up from beneath, surprised and frowning. 'Hello!'
+I said. 'You're in pretty deep!' 'Deeper than you think,' he said.
+'I'm on the top of an omnibus!'"</p>
+<a name="H559" id="H559"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ROASTS</h3>
+<p>As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham
+hotel he was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole
+of the meal, stood with his back to the fire warming himself and
+watching Faversham eat. At length, unable to endure it any longer,
+Mr. Faversham rang the bell and said:</p>
+<p>"Waiter, kindly turn that gentleman around. I think he is done
+on that side."</p>
+<a name="H560" id="H560"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ROOSEVELT, THEODORE</h3>
+<p>A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster
+Bay some years ago, while he was president. The host met them with
+coat and collar off, mopping his brow.</p>
+<p>"Ah, gentlemen," he said, "dee-lighted to see you. Dee-lighted.
+But I'm very busy putting in my hay just now. Come down to the barn
+with me and we'll talk things over while I work."</p>
+<p>Down to the barn hustled President and delegation.</p>
+<p>Mr. Roosevelt seized a pitchfork and&mdash;but where was the
+hay?</p>
+<p>"John!" shouted the President. "John! where's all the hay?"</p>
+<p>"Sorry, sir," came John's voice from the loft, "but I ain't had
+time to throw it back since you threw it up for yesterday's
+delegation."</p>
+<a name="H561" id="H561"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SALARIES</h3>
+<p>A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the
+bank. The teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills,
+saying, "I hope you're not afraid of microbes."</p>
+<p>"Not a bit of it," the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe
+could live on my salary!"&mdash;<i>Frances Kirkland</i>.</p>
+<a name="H562" id="H562"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP</h3>
+<p>A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that
+reads:</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="center">Watermelons</p>
+<p class="center">Our choice . . . . . . . . . . 25 cents.</p>
+<p class="center">Your choice. . . . . . . . . . 35 cents.</p>
+<p>&mdash;<i>Elgin Burroughs</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a
+well-known merchant was severely tested one day. He sent in his
+card by the office-boy to the manager of a large concern, whose
+inner office was separated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass
+partition. When the boy handed his card to the manager the salesman
+saw him impatiently tear it in half and throw it in the
+waste-basket; the boy came out and told the caller that he could
+not see the chief. The salesman told the boy to go back and get him
+his card; the boy brought out five cents, with the message that his
+card was torn up. Then the salesman took out another card and sent
+the boy back, saying: "Tell your boss I sell two cards for five
+cents."</p>
+<p>He got his interview and sold a large bill of goods.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A young man entered a hat store and asked to see the latest
+styles in derbies. He was evidently hard to please, for soon the
+counter was covered with hats that he had tried on and found
+wanting. At last the salesman picked up a brown derby, brushed it
+off on his sleeve, and extended it admiringly.</p>
+<p>"These are being very much worn this season, sir," he said.
+"Won't you try it on?"</p>
+<p>The customer put the hat on and surveyed himself critically in
+the mirror. "You're sure it's in style?"</p>
+<p>"The most fashionable thing we have in the shop, sir. And it
+suits you to perfection&mdash;if the fit's right."</p>
+<p>"Yes, it fits very well. So you think I had better have it?"</p>
+<p>"I don't think you could do better."</p>
+<p>"No, I don't think I could. So I guess I won't buy a new one
+after all."</p>
+<p>The salesman had been boosting the customer's old hat, which had
+become mixed among the many new ones.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>VISITOR&mdash;"Can I see that motorist who was brought here an
+hour ago?"</p>
+<p>NURSE&mdash;"He hasn't come to his senses yet."</p>
+<p>VISITOR&mdash;"Oh, that's all right. I only want to sell him
+another car."&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"That fellow is too slick for me. Sold me a lot that was two
+feet under water. I went around to demand my money back."</p>
+<p>"Get it?"</p>
+<p>"Get nothing! Then he sold me a second-hand gasoline launch and
+a copy of 'Venetian Life,' by W.D. Howells."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In a small South Carolina town that was "finished" before the
+war, two men were playing checkers in the back of a store. A
+traveling man who was making his first trip to the town was
+watching the game, and, not being acquainted with the business
+methods of the citizens, he called the attention of the owner of
+the store to some customers who had just entered the front
+door.</p>
+<p>"Sh! Sh!" answered the storekeeper, making another move on the
+checkerboard. "Keep perfectly quiet and they'll go out."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">He who finds he has something to sell,</p>
+<p class="i2">And goes and whispers it down a well,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is not so apt to collar the dollars,</p>
+<p class="i2">As he who climbs a tree and hollers.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>The Advertiser</i></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H563" id="H563"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SALOONS</h3>
+<p>"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man
+who landed at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the
+'bus driver.</p>
+<p>"See that millinery shop over there?" asked the driver, pointing
+to a building near the depot.</p>
+<p>"You don't mean to say they sell whiskey in a millinery store?"
+exclaimed the drummer.</p>
+<p>"No, I mean that's the only place here they don't sell it," said
+the 'bus man.</p>
+<a name="H564" id="H564"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SALVATION</h3>
+<p>WILLIS&mdash;"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they
+can buy their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a
+church when they die."</p>
+<p>GILLIS&mdash;"I don't know but that they stand as much chance as
+some of these other rich fellows who are trying to get in on the
+instalment plan of ten cents a Sunday while they're
+living."&mdash;<i>Lauren S. Hamilton</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Italian noble at church one day gave a priest who begged for
+the souls in purgatory, a piece of gold.</p>
+<p>"Ah, my lord," said the good father, "you have now delivered a
+soul."</p>
+<p>The count threw another piece upon the plate.</p>
+<p>"Here is another soul delivered," said the priest.</p>
+<p>"Are you positive of it?" replied the count.</p>
+<p>"Yes, my lord," replied the priest; "I am certain they are now
+in heaven."</p>
+<p>"Then," said the count, "I'll take back my money, for it
+signifies nothing to you now, seeing the souls have already got to
+heaven."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Episcopal missionary in Wyoming visited one of the outlying
+districts in his territory for the purpose of conducting prayer in
+the home of a large family not conspicuous for its piety. He made
+known his intentions to the woman of the house, and she murmured
+vaguely that "she'd go out and see." She was long in returning, and
+after a tiresome wait the missionary went to the door and called
+with some impatience:</p>
+<p>"Aren't you coming in? Don't you care anything about your
+souls?"</p>
+<p>"Souls?" yelled the head of the family from the orchard. "We
+haven't got time to fool with our souls when the bees are
+swarmin'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Edith was light-hearted and merry over everything. Nothing
+appealed to her seriously. So, one day, her mother decided to
+invite a very serious young parson to dinner, and he was placed
+next the light-hearted girl. Everything went well until she asked
+him:</p>
+<p>"You speak of everybody having a mission. What is yours?"</p>
+<p>"My mission," said the parson, "is to save young men."</p>
+<p>"Good," replied the girl, "I'm glad to meet you. I wish you'd
+save one for me."</p>
+<a name="H565" id="H565"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SAVING</h3>
+<p>Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by
+your heirs.&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, no! I never shop when it rains."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>JOHNNY&mdash;"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for
+you?"</p>
+<p>PAPA&mdash;"Certainly, my son."</p>
+<p>JOHNNY&mdash;"Well, I saved it for you, all right. You said if I
+brought a first-class report from my teacher this week you would
+give me a dollar, and I didn't bring it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>According to the following story, economy has its pains as well
+as its pleasures, even after the saving is done.</p>
+<p>One spring, for some reason, old Eli was going round town with
+the face of dissatisfaction, and, when questioned, poured forth his
+voluble tale of woe thus:</p>
+<p>"Marse Geo'ge, he come to me last fall an' he say, 'Eli, dis
+gwine ter be a hard winter, so yo' be keerful, an' save yo' wages
+fas' an' tight.'</p>
+<p>"An' I b'lieve Marse Geo'ge, yas, sah, I b'lieve him, an' I save
+an' I save, an' when de winter come it ain't got no hardship, an'
+dere was I wid all dat money jes' frown on mah hands!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Robert dear," said the coy little maiden to her sweetheart,
+"I'm sure you love me; but give me some proof of it, darling. We
+can't marry on fifteen dollars a week, you know."</p>
+<p>"Well, what do you want me to do?" said he, with a grieved
+air.</p>
+<p>"Why, save up a thousand dollars, and have it safe in the bank,
+and then I'll marry you."</p>
+<p>About two months later she cuddled up close to him on the sofa
+one evening, and said:</p>
+<p>"Robert dear, have you saved up that thousand yet?"</p>
+<p>"Why, no, my love," he replied; "not all of it."</p>
+<p>"How much have you saved, darling?"</p>
+<p>"Just two dollars and thirty-five cents, dear."</p>
+<p>"Oh, well," said the sweet young thing as she snuggled a little
+closer, "don't let's wait any longer, darling. I guess that'll
+do."&mdash;<i>R.M. Winans</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See</i> also Economy; Thrift.</p>
+<a name="H566" id="H566"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SCANDAL</h3>
+<p>An ill wind that blows nobody good.</p>
+<a name="H567" id="H567"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SCHOLARSHIP</h3>
+<p>There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated
+from Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first
+term, he exulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his
+class. But the old gentleman was not satisfied.</p>
+<p>"<i>Next</i> to the head!" he exclaimed. "What do you mean? I'd
+like to know what you think I'm sending you to college for?
+<i>Next</i> to the head! Why aren't you at the head, where you
+ought to be?"</p>
+<p>At this the son was much crestfallen; but upon his return, he
+went about his work with such ambition that at the end of the term
+he found himself in the coveted place. When he went home that year
+he felt very proud. It would be great news for the old man.</p>
+<p>When the announcement was made, the father contemplated his son
+for a few minutes in silence; then, with a shrug, he remarked:</p>
+<p>"At the head of the class, eh? Well, that's a fine commentary on
+Yale University!"&mdash;<i>Howard Morse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Well, there were only three boys in school to-day who could
+answer one question that the teacher asked us," said a proud boy of
+eight.</p>
+<p>"And I hope my boy was one of the three," said the proud
+mother.</p>
+<p>"Well, I was," answered Young Hopeful, "and Sam Harris and Harry
+Stone were the other two."</p>
+<p>"I am very glad you proved yourself so good a scholar, my son;
+it makes your mother proud of you. What question did the teacher
+ask, Johnnie?"</p>
+<p>"'Who broke the glass in the back window?'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Sammy's mother was greatly distressed because he had such poor
+marks in his school work. She scolded, coaxed, even promised him a
+dime if he would do better. The next day he came running home.</p>
+<p>"Oh, mother," he shouted, "I got a hundred!"</p>
+<p>"And what did you get a hundred in?"</p>
+<p>"In two things," replied Sammy without hesitation. "I got forty
+in readin' and sixty in spellin'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Who ceases to be a student has never been one.&mdash;<i>George
+Iles</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> College students.</p>
+<a name="H568" id="H568"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SCHOOLS</h3>
+<p>"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well."
+"That's too bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you
+feel worst?"</p>
+<p>"In school, mamma."</p>
+<a name="H569" id="H569"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT</h3>
+<p>The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in
+railroad enterprise in Central America, was seeking local support
+for a road and attempted to give the matter point. He asked a
+native:</p>
+<p>"How long does it take you to carry your goods to market by
+muleback?"</p>
+<p>"Three days," was the reply.</p>
+<p>"There's the point," said Miller. "With our road in operation
+you could take your goods to market and be back home in one
+day."</p>
+<p>"Very good, senor," answered the native. "But what would we do
+with the other two days?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during
+the afternoon:</p>
+<p>"By the way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could
+do to get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or
+something."</p>
+<p>"Oh, no," replied the owner "Oh, no, that's all right."</p>
+<p>"Why is it?" asked the visitor.</p>
+<p>"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate
+pumps two buckets of water into the tank on the roof."</p>
+<a name="H570" id="H570"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SCOTCH, THE</h3>
+<p>A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on
+his neighbors on week days.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in
+Missouri so divided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a
+single man prohibits the sale of liquor there. "And what," he
+asked, "do you suppose is the name of the chap who keeps a whole
+county dry?"</p>
+<p>Nobody had an idea.</p>
+<p>"Mackintosh, as I'm alive!" declared the southerner.</p>
+<p>Everybody laughed except the Englishman. "It's just like a
+Scotsman to be so obstinate!" he sniffed, and was much astonished
+when the rest of the party laughed more than ever.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Scottish minister, taking his walk early in the morning, found
+one of his parishioners recumbent in a ditch.</p>
+<p>"Where hae you been the nicht, Andrew?" asked the minister.</p>
+<p>"Weel, I dinna richtly ken," answered the prostrate one,
+"whether it was a wedding' or a funeral, but whichever it was it
+was a most extraordinary success."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Thrift.</p>
+<a name="H571" id="H571"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SEASICKNESS</h3>
+<p>A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing
+seasickness for the first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he
+said in a weak voice: "Jennie, my will is in the Commercial Trust
+Company's care. Everything is left to you, dear. My various stocks
+you will find in my safe-deposit box." Then he said fervently:
+"And, Jenny, bury me on the other side. I can't stand this trip
+again, alive or dead."&mdash;<i>Joe King</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Motto for the dining saloon of an ocean steamship: "Man wants
+but little here below, nor wants that little long."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On the steamer the little bride was very much concerned about
+her husband, who was troubled with dyspepsia.</p>
+<p>"My husband is peculiarly liable to seasickness, Captain,"
+remarked the bride. "Could you tell him what to do in case of an
+attack?"</p>
+<p>"That won't be necessary, Madam," replied the Captain; "he'll do
+it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a
+Continental winter resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on
+the parable, of the unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he
+asked.</p>
+<p>A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held
+up his hand. "He is a man, sir," he replied, with a reminiscent
+look on his face, "who brings you a basin."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"The first day out was perfectly lovely," said the young lady
+just back from abroad. "The water was as smooth as glass, and it
+was simply gorgeous. But the second day was rough
+and&mdash;er&mdash;decidedly disgorgeous."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The great ocean liner rolled and pitched.</p>
+<p>"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?"</p>
+<p>"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer.</p>
+<p>Then there was an eloquent silence.</p>
+<p>"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away, "I
+thought that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young man from Ostend,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who vowed he'd hold out to the end;</p>
+<p class="i4">But when half way over</p>
+<p class="i4">From Calais to Dover,</p>
+<p class="i2">He did what he didn't intend.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H572" id="H572"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SEASONS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young fellow named Hall,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who fell in the spring in the fall;</p>
+<p class="i4">'Twould have been a sad thing</p>
+<p class="i4">If he'd died in the spring,</p>
+<p class="i2">But he didn't&mdash;he died in the fall.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H573" id="H573"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SENATORS</h3>
+<p>A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to
+something worse.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you
+not?" said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions.</p>
+<p>"Yes, miss," answered Senator Sorghum, blandly; "I think I have
+participated in some of the richest hauls that legislation ever
+made."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An aviator alighted on a field and said to a rather well-dressed
+individual: "Here, mind my machine a minute, will you?"</p>
+<p>"What?" the well-dressed individual snarled. "Me mind your
+machine? Why, I'm a United States Senator!"</p>
+<p>"Well, what of it?" said the aviator. "I'll trust you."</p>
+<a name="H574" id="H574"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SENSE OF HUMOR</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"What of his sense of humor?"</p>
+<p class="i2">"Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Richard Kirk</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life," says
+Rear Admiral Buhler. "But even a sense of humor may exist in
+excess. I have in mind the case of a British soldier who was
+sentenced to be flogged. During the flogging he laughed
+continually. The harder the lash was laid on, the harder the
+soldier laughed.</p>
+<p>"'Wot's so funny about bein' flogged?' demanded the
+sergeant.</p>
+<p>"'Why,' the soldier chuckled, 'I'm the wrong man.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mark Twain once approached a friend, a business man, and
+confided to him that he needed the assistance of a
+stenographer.</p>
+<p>"I can send you one, a fine young fellow," the friend said, "He
+came to my office yesterday in search of a position, but I didn't
+have an opening."</p>
+<p>"Has he a sense of humor?" Mark asked cautiously.</p>
+<p>"A sense of humor? He has&mdash;in fact, he got off one or two
+pretty witty things himself yesterday," the friend hastened to
+assure him.</p>
+<p>"Sorry, but he won't do, then," Mark said.</p>
+<p>"Won't do? Why?"</p>
+<p>"No," said Mark. "I had one once before with a sense of humor,
+and it interfered too much with the work. I cannot afford to pay a
+man two dollars a day for laughing."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The perception of the ludicrous is a pledge of
+sanity.&mdash;<i>Emerson</i>.</p>
+<a name="H575" id="H575"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SENTRIES</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Armies.</p>
+<a name="H576" id="H576"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SERMONS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Preaching.</p>
+<a name="H577" id="H577"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SERVANTS</h3>
+<p>TOMMY&mdash;"Pop, what is it that the Bible says is here to-day
+and gone to-morrow?"</p>
+<p>POP&mdash;"Probably the cook, my son."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>As usual, they began discussing the play after the theater.
+"Well, how did you like the piece, my dear?" asked the fond husband
+who had always found his wife a good critic.</p>
+<p>"Very much. There's only one improbable thing in it: the second
+act takes place two years after the first, and they have the same
+servant."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SMITH&mdash;"We are certainly in luck with our new
+cook&mdash;soup, meat, vegetables and dessert, everything
+perfect!"</p>
+<p>MRS. S.&mdash;"Yes, but the dessert was made by her
+successor."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>THE NEW GIRL&mdash;"An' may me intended visit me every Sunday
+afternoon, ma'am?"</p>
+<p>MISTRESS&mdash;"Who is your intended, Delia?"</p>
+<p>THE NEW GIRL&mdash;"I don't know yet, ma'am. I'm a stranger in
+town."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"And do you have to be called in the morning?" asked the lady
+who was about to engage a new girl.</p>
+<p>"I don't has to be, mum," replied the applicant, "unless you
+happens to need me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A maid dropped and broke a beautiful platter at a dinner
+recently. The host did not permit a trifle like this to ruffle him
+in the least.</p>
+<p>"These little accidents happen 'most every day," he said
+apologetically. "You see, she isn't a trained waitress. She was a
+dairymaid originally, but she had to abandon that occupation on
+account of her inability to handle the cows without breaking their
+horns."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Young housewives obliged to practice strict economy will
+sympathize with the sad experience of a Washington woman.</p>
+<p>When her husband returned home one evening he found her
+dissolved in tears, and careful questioning elicited the reason for
+her grief.</p>
+<p>"Dan," said she, "every day this week I have stopped to look at
+a perfect love of a hat in Mme. Louise's window. Such a hat, Dan,
+such a beautiful hat! But the price&mdash;well, I wanted it the
+worst way, but just couldn't afford to buy it."</p>
+<p>"Well, dear," began the husband recklessly, "we might manage
+to&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Thank you, Dan," interrupted the wife, "but there isn't any
+'might' about it. I paid the cook this noon, and what do you think?
+She marched right down herself and bought that hat!"&mdash;<i>Edwin
+Tarrisse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the
+sentiment good-naturedly expressed by a Scandinavian servant,
+recently taken into the service of a young matron of Chicago.</p>
+<p>The youthful assumer of household cares was disposed to be a
+trifle patronizing.</p>
+<p>"Now, Lena," she asked earnestly, "are you a <i>good</i>
+cook?"</p>
+<p>"Ya-as, 'm, I tank so," said the girl, with perfect
+naivet&eacute;, "if you vill not try to help me."&mdash;<i>Elgin
+Burroughs</i>.</p>
+<p>"Have you a good cook now?"</p>
+<p>"I don't know. I haven't been home since breakfast!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MRS. LITTLETOWN&mdash;"This magazine looks rather the worse for
+wear."</p>
+<p>MRS. NEARTOWN&mdash;"Yes, it's the one I sometimes lend to the
+servant on Sundays."</p>
+<p>MRS. LITTLETOWN&mdash;"Doesn't she get tired of always reading
+the same one?"</p>
+<p>MRS. NEARTOWN&mdash;"Oh, no. You see, it's the same book, but
+it's always a different servant."&mdash;<i>Suburban Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MRS. HOUSEN HOHM&mdash;"What is your name?"</p>
+<p>APPLICANT FOR COOKSHIP&mdash;"Miss Arlington."</p>
+<p>MRS. HOUSEN HOHM&mdash;"Do you expect to be called Miss
+Arlington?"</p>
+<p>APPLICANT&mdash;-"No, ma'am; not if you have an alarm clock in
+my room."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MISTRESS&mdash;"Nora, I saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss
+a baby. I hope you will remember my objection to such things."</p>
+<p>NORA&mdash;"Sure, ma'am, no policeman would ever think iv
+kissin' yer baby whin I'm around."</p>
+<p><i>See also</i> Gratitude; Recommendations.</p>
+<a name="H578" id="H578"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SHOPPING</h3>
+<p>CLERK&mdash;"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife
+wants me to go shopping with her."</p>
+<p>EMPLOYER&mdash;"Certainly not. We are much too busy."</p>
+<p>CLERK&mdash;"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!"</p>
+<a name="H579" id="H579"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SHYNESS</h3>
+<p>The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story
+on himself to some friends:</p>
+<p>"I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I
+went into the library to do some literary work. I was very busy and
+looked so, I suppose. I had no sooner started to write than a
+diffident-looking young man plumped into the chair opposite me,
+began twirling his cap and stared at me. I let him sit there. An
+hour or more passed, and he was still there, returning my
+occasional and discouraging glances at him with a foolish,
+ingratiating smile. I was inclined to be annoyed. I had a suspicion
+that he was a reader of my books, perhaps an admirer&mdash;or an
+autograph-hunter. He could wait. But at last he rose, and still
+twirling his cap, he spoke:</p>
+<p>"'Excuse me, Doctor Watson; I'm getting deathly sick in here and
+I'm real sorry to disturb you, but I thought you'd like to know
+that just as soon as you left her Mrs. Watson fell down the
+companionway stairs, and I guess she hurt herself pretty
+badly.'"</p>
+<a name="H580" id="H580"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SIGNS</h3>
+<p>When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his
+brother opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of
+"Ed. Wolcott &amp; Bro." Later the partnership was dissolved.
+The future senator packed his few assets, including the sign that
+had hung outside of his office, upon a burro and started for
+Georgetown, a mining town farther up in the hills. Upon his arrival
+he was greeted by a crowd of miners who critically surveyed him and
+his outfit. One of them, looking first at the sign that hung over
+the pack, then at Wolcott, and finally at the donkey, ventured:</p>
+<p>"Say, stranger, which of you is Ed?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Buck" Kilgore, of Texas, who once kicked open the door of the
+House of Representatives when Speaker Reed had all doors locked to
+prevent the minority from leaving the floor and thus escaping a
+vote, was noted for his indifference to forms and rules. Speaker
+Reed, annoyed by members bringing lighted cigars upon the floor of
+the House just before opening time, had signs conspicuously posted
+as follows: "No smoking on the floor of the House." One day just
+before convening the House his eagle eye detected Kilgore
+nonchalantly puffing away at a fat cigar. Calling a page, he told
+him to give his compliments to the gentleman from Texas and ask him
+if he had not seen the signs. After a while the page returned and
+seated himself without reporting to the Speaker, and Mr. Reed was
+irritated to see the gentleman from Texas continue his smoke. With
+a frown he summoned the page and asked:</p>
+<p>"Did you tell the gentleman from Texas what I said?"</p>
+<p>"I did," replied the page.</p>
+<p>"What did he say?" asked Reed.</p>
+<p>"Well&mdash;er," stammered the page, "he said to give his
+compliments to you and tell you he did not believe in signs."</p>
+<a name="H581" id="H581"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SILENCE</h3>
+<p>A conversation with an Englishman.&mdash;<i>Heine</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>BALL-"What is silence?"</p>
+<p>HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was
+playing a closely contested game of golf. He carefully teed up his
+ball and addressed it with the most aproved grace; he raised his
+driver and hit the ball a tremendous clip, but instead of soaring
+into the azure it perversely went about twelve feet to the right
+and then buzzed around in a circle. The clerical gentleman frowned,
+scowled, pursed up his mouth and bit his lips, but said nothing,
+and a friend who stood by him said: "Doctor, that is the most
+profane silence I ever witnessed."</p>
+<a name="H582" id="H582"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SIN</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Man-like is it to fall into sin,</p>
+<p class="i2">Fiend-like is it to dwell therein,</p>
+<p class="i2">Christ-like is it for sin to grieve,</p>
+<p class="i2">God-like is it all sin to leave.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Friedrich von Logan</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Now," said the clergyman to the Sunday-school class, "can any
+of you tell me what are sins of omission?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir," said the small boy. "They are the sins we ought to
+have done and haven't."</p>
+<a name="H583" id="H583"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SINGERS</h3>
+<p>As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Johnnie became
+greatly exercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra
+conductor.</p>
+<p>"What's that man shaking his stick at her for?" he demanded
+indignantly.</p>
+<p>"Sh-h! He's not shaking his stick at her."</p>
+<p>But Johnny was not convinced.</p>
+<p>"Then what in thunder's she hollering for?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A visiting clergyman was occupying a pulpit in St. Louis one
+Sunday when it was the turn of the bass to sing a solo, which he
+did very badly, to the annoyance of the preacher, a lover of music.
+When the singer fell back in his seat, red of face and exhausted,
+the clergyman arose, placed his hands on the unopened Bible,
+deliberately surveyed the faces of the congregation, and announced
+the text:</p>
+<p>"And the wind ceased and there was a great calm."</p>
+<p>It wasn't the text he had chosen, but it fitted his sermon as
+well as the occasion.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One cold, wet, and windy night he came upon a negro shivering in
+the doorway of an Atlanta store. Wondering what the darky could be
+doing, standing on a cold, wet night in such a draughty position,
+the proprietor of the shop said:</p>
+<p>"Jim, what are you doing here?"</p>
+<p>"'Sense me, sir," said Jim, "but I'm gwine to sing bass tomorrow
+mornin' at church, an' I am tryin' to ketch a
+cold."&mdash;<i>Howard Morse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"The man who sings all day at work is a happy man."</p>
+<p>"Yes, but how about the man who works and has to listen to him?"
+Miss Jeanette Gilder was one of the ardent enthusiasts at the debut
+of Tetrazzini. After the first act she rushed to the back of the
+house to greet one of her friends. "Don't you think she is a
+wonder?" she asked excitedly.</p>
+<p>"She is a great singer unquestionably," responded her more
+phlegmatic friend, "but the registers of her voice are not so even
+as, for instance, Melba's."</p>
+<p>"Oh, bother Melba," said Miss Gilder. "Tetrazzini gives
+infinitely more heat from her registers."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At a certain Scottish dinner it was found that every one had
+contributed to the evening's entertainment but a certain Doctor
+MacDonald.</p>
+<p>"Come, come, Doctor MacDonald," said the chairman, "we cannot
+let you escape."</p>
+<p>The doctor protested that he could not sing.</p>
+<p>"My voice is altogether unmusical, and resembles the sound
+caused by the act of rubbing a brick along the panels of a
+door."</p>
+<p>The company attributed this to the doctor's modesty. Good
+singers, he was reminded, always needed a lot of pressing.</p>
+<p>"Very well," said the doctor, "if you can stand it I will
+sing."</p>
+<p>Long before he had finished his audience was uneasy.</p>
+<p>There was a painful silence as the doctor sat down, broken at
+length by the voice of a braw Scot at the end of the table.</p>
+<p>"Mon," he exclaimed, "your singin's no up to much, but your
+veracity's just awful. You're richt aboot that brick."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">She smiles, my darling smiles, and all</p>
+<p class="i4">The world is filled with light;</p>
+<p class="i2">She laughs&mdash;'tis like the bird's sweet call,</p>
+<p class="i4">In meadows fair and bright.</p>
+<p class="i2">She weeps&mdash;the world is cold and gray,</p>
+<p class="i4">Rain-clouds shut out the view;</p>
+<p class="i2">She sings&mdash;I softly steal away</p>
+<p class="i4">And wait till she gets through.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">God sent his singers upon earth</p>
+<p class="i2">With songs of gladness and of mirth,</p>
+<p class="i2">That they might touch the hearts of men,</p>
+<p class="i2">And bring them back to heaven again.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Longfellow</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H584" id="H584"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SKATING</h3>
+<p>A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung
+over her arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat.</p>
+<p>"Thank you very much, sir," she said, "but I've been skating all
+afternoon, and I'm tired of sitting down."</p>
+<a name="H585" id="H585"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SKY-SCRAPERS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Buildings.</p>
+<a name="H586" id="H586"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SLEEP</h3>
+<p>Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from
+insomnia told me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink
+two or three glasses of milk before going to bed," said he, "and
+I'll warrant you'll be asleep within half an hour." I did as he
+suggested, and now for the benefit of others who may be afflicted
+with insomnia, I feel it my duty to report what happened, so far as
+I am able to recall the details.</p>
+<p>First, let me say my friend was right. I did go to sleep very
+soon after my retirement. Then a friend with his head under his arm
+came along and asked me if I wanted to buy his feet. I was
+negotiating with him, when the dragon on which I was riding slipped
+out of his skin and left me floating in mid-air. While I was
+considering how I should get down, a bull with two heads peered
+over the edge of the wall and said he would haul me up if I would
+first climb up and rig a windlass for him. So as I was sliding down
+the mountainside the brakeman came in, and I asked him when the
+train would reach my station.</p>
+<p>"We passed your station four hundred years ago," he said, calmly
+folding the train up and slipping it into his vest pocket.</p>
+<p>At this juncture the clown bounded into the ring and pulled the
+center-pole out of the ground, lifting the tent and all the people
+in it up, up, while I stood on the earth below watching myself go
+out of sight among the clouds above. Then I awoke, and found I had
+been asleep almost ten minutes.&mdash;<i>The Good Health
+Clinic</i>.</p>
+<a name="H587" id="H587"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SMILES</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young lady of Niger,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who went for a ride on a tiger;</p>
+<p class="i4">They returned from the ride</p>
+<p class="i4">With the lady inside,</p>
+<p class="i2">And a smile on the face of the tiger.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H588" id="H588"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SMOKING</h3>
+<p>A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a
+smoke.&mdash;<i>Rudyard Kipling</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>AUNT MARY&mdash;(horrified) "Good gracious. Harold, what would
+your mother say if she saw you smoking cigarets?"</p>
+<p>HAROLD (calmly)&mdash;"She'd have a fit. They're her
+cigarets."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Irish soldier on sentry duty had orders to allow no one to
+smoke near his post. An officer with a lighted cigar approached
+whereupon Pat boldly challenged him and ordered him to put it out
+at once.</p>
+<p>The officer with a gesture of disgust threw away his cigar, but
+no sooner was his back turned than Pat picked it up and quietly
+retired to the sentry box.</p>
+<p>The officer happening to look around, observed a beautiful cloud
+of smoke issuing from the box. He at once challenged Pat for
+smoking on duty.</p>
+<p>"Smoking, is it, sor? Bedad, and I'm only keeping it lit to show
+the corporal when he comes as evidence agin you."</p>
+<a name="H589" id="H589"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SNEEZING</h3>
+<p>While campaigning in Iowa Speaker Cannon was once inveigled into
+visiting the public schools of a town where he was billed to speak.
+In one of the lower grades an ambitious teacher called upon a
+youthful Demosthenes to entertain the distinguished visitor with an
+exhibition of amateur oratory. The selection attempted was Byron's
+"Battle of Waterloo," and just as the boy reached the end of the
+first paragraph Speaker Cannon gave vent to a violent sneeze. "But,
+hush! hark!" declaimed the youngster; "a deep sound strikes like a
+rising knell! Did ye not hear it?"</p>
+<p>The visitors smiled and a moment later the second
+sneeze&mdash;which the Speaker was vainly trying to hold
+back&mdash;came with increased violence.</p>
+<p>"But, hark!" bawled the boy, "that heavy sound breaks in once
+more, and nearer, clearer, deadlier than before! Arm! arm! it
+is&mdash;it is&mdash;the cannon's opening roar!"</p>
+<p>This was too much, and the laugh that broke from the party
+swelled to a roar when "Uncle Joe" chuckled: "Put up yout weapons,
+children; I won't shoot any more."</p>
+<a name="H590" id="H590"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SNOBBERY</h3>
+<p>Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their
+position.</p>
+<a name="H591" id="H591"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SNORING</h3>
+<p>Snore&mdash;An unfavorable report from
+headquarters.&mdash;<i>Foolish Dictionary</i>.</p>
+<a name="H592" id="H592"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SOCIALISTS</h3>
+<p>Among the stories told of the late Baron de Rothschild is one
+which details how a "change of heart" once came to his
+valet&mdash;an excellent fellow, albeit a violent "red."</p>
+<p>Alphonse was as good a servant as one would wish to employ, and
+as his socialism never got farther than attending a weekly meeting,
+the baron never objected to his political faith. After a few months
+of these permissions to absent himself from duty, his employer
+noticed one week that he did not ask to go. The baron thought
+Alphonse might have forgotten the night, but when the next week he
+stayed at home, he inquired what was up.</p>
+<p>"Sir," said the valet, with the utmost dignity, "some of my
+former colleagues have worked out a calculation that if all the
+wealth in France were divided equally per capita, each individual
+would be the possessor of two thousand francs."</p>
+<p>Then he stopped as if that told the whole story, so said the
+baron, "What of that?"</p>
+<p>"Sir," came back from the enlightened Alphonse, "I have five
+thousand francs now."&mdash;<i>Warwick James Price</i>.</p>
+<a name="H593" id="H593"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SOCIETY</h3>
+<p>Smart Society is made up of the worldly, the fleshy, and the
+devilish.&mdash;<i>Harold Melbourne</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What are her days at home?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, a society leader has no days at home anymore. Nowadays she
+has her telephone hours."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Society consists of two classes, the upper and the lower. The
+latter cultivates the dignity of labor, the former the labor of
+dignity.&mdash;<i>Punch</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young person called Smarty,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who sent out his cards for a party;</p>
+<p class="i4">So exclusive and few</p>
+<p class="i4">Were the friends that he knew</p>
+<p class="i2">That no one was present but Smarty.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H594" id="H594"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SOLECISMS</h3>
+<p>A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance
+of a large building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the
+sixth floor."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Reporters are obliged to write their descriptions of accidents
+hastily and often from meager data, and in the attempt to make them
+vivid they sometimes make them ridiculous; for example, a New York
+City paper a few days ago, in describing a collision between a
+train and a motor bus, said: "The train, too, was filled with
+passengers. Their shrieks mingled with the <i>cries of the dead</i>
+and the dying of the bus!"</p>
+<a name="H595" id="H595"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SONS</h3>
+<p>"I thought your father looked very handsome with his gray
+hairs."</p>
+<p>"Yes, dear old chap. I gave him those."</p>
+<a name="H596" id="H596"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SOUVENIRS</h3>
+<p>"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of
+milk at a white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his
+refreshment, he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, a
+brick with a faded rose upon the top of it.</p>
+<p>"'Why do you cherish in this way,' my friend said to his host,
+'that common brick and that dead rose?'</p>
+<p>"'Shure, sir,' was the reply, 'there's certain memories
+attachin' to them. Do ye see this big dent in my head? Well, it was
+made by that brick.'</p>
+<p>"'But the rose?' said my friend.</p>
+<p>His host smiled quietly. "'The rose,' he explained, 'is off the
+grave of the man that threw the brick.'"</p>
+<a name="H597" id="H597"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SPECULATION</h3>
+<p>There are two times in a man's life when he should not
+speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.&mdash;<i>Mark
+Twain</i>.</p>
+<a name="H598" id="H598"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SPEED</h3>
+<p>"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow," said one Quag man
+to another.</p>
+<p>"Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked.</p>
+<p>"Got himself run over by a hearse!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"So you heard the bullet whiz past you?" asked the lawyer of the
+darky.</p>
+<p>"Yes, sah, heard it twict."</p>
+<p>"How's that?"</p>
+<p>"Heard it whiz when it passed me, and heard it again when I
+passed it."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A near race riot happened in a southern town. The negroes
+gathered in one crowd and the whites in another. The whites fired
+their revolvers into the air, and the negroes took to their heels.
+Next day a plantation owner said to one of his men: "Sam, were you
+in that crowd that gathered last night?" "Yassir." "Did you run
+like the wind, Sam?" "No, sir. I didn't run like the wind,'deed I
+didn't. But I passed two niggers that was running like the
+wind."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A guest in a Cincinnati hotel was shot and killed. The negro
+porter who heard the shooting was a witness at the trial.</p>
+<p>"How many shots did you hear?" asked the lawyer.</p>
+<p>"Two shots, sah," he replied.</p>
+<p>"How far apart were they?"</p>
+<p>'"Bout like dis way," explained the negro, clapping his hands
+with an interval of about a second between claps.</p>
+<p>"Where were you when the first shot was fired?"</p>
+<p>"Shinin' a gemman's shoe in the basement of de hotel."</p>
+<p>"Where were you when the second shot was fired?"</p>
+<p>"Ah was passin' de Big Fo' depot."</p>
+<a name="H599" id="H599"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SPINSTERS</h3>
+<p>"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the
+congregation for a relative or friend?" asks the minister.</p>
+<p>"I do," says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want
+the congregation to pray for my husband."</p>
+<p>"Why, sister Abigail!" replies the minister. "You have no
+husband as yet."</p>
+<p>"Yes, but I want you all to pitch in an' pray for one for me!"
+Some time ago the wife of an assisstant state officer gave a party
+to a lot of old maids of her town. She asked each one to bring a
+photograph of the man who had tried to woo and wed her. Each of the
+old maids brought a photograph and they were all pictures of the
+same man, the hostess's husband.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Maude Adams was one day discussing with her old negro "mammy"
+the approaching marriage of a friend.</p>
+<p>"When is you gwine to git married, Miss Maudie?" asked the
+mammy, who took a deep interest in her talented young mistress.</p>
+<p>"I don't know, mammy," answered the star. "I don't think I'll
+ever get married."</p>
+<p>"Well," sighed mammy, in an attempt to be philosophical, "they
+do say ole maids is the happies' kind after they quits
+strugglin'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the Bachelor, so lonely and gay,</p>
+<p class="i2">For it's not his fault, he was born that way;</p>
+<p class="i2">And here's to the Spinster, so lonely and good;</p>
+<p class="i2">For it's not her fault, she hath done what she
+could.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An old maid on the wintry side of fifty, hearing of the marriage
+of a pretty young lady, her friend, observed with a deep and
+sentimental sigh: "Well, I suppose it is what we must all come
+to."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A famous spinster, known throughout the country for her
+charities, was entertaining a number of little girls from a
+charitable institution. After the luncheon, the children were shown
+through the place, in order that they might enjoy the many
+beautiful things it contained.</p>
+<p>"This," said the spinster, indicating a statue, "is
+Minerva."</p>
+<p>"Was Minerva married?" asked one of the little girls.</p>
+<p>"No, my child," said the spinster, with a smile; "Minerva was
+the Goddess of Wisdom."&mdash;<i>E.T</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There once was a lonesome, lorn spinster,</p>
+<p class="i2">And luck had for years been ag'inst her;</p>
+<p class="i4">When a man came to burgle</p>
+<p class="i4">She shrieked, with a gurgle,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Stop thief, while I call in a min'ster!"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H600" id="H600"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SPITE</h3>
+<p>Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say
+something more aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man had for years employed a steady German workman. One day
+Jake came to him and asked to be excused from work the next
+day.</p>
+<p>"Certainly, Jake," beamed the employer. "What are you going to
+do?"</p>
+<p>"Vall," said Jake slowly. "I tink I must go by mein wife's
+funeral. She dies yesterday."</p>
+<p>After the lapse of a few weeks Jake again approached his boss
+for a day off.</p>
+<p>"All right, Jake, but what are you going to do this time?"</p>
+<p>"Aber," said Jake, "I go to make me, mit mein fr&auml;ulein, a
+wedding."</p>
+<p>"What? So soon? Why, it's only been three weeks since you buried
+your wife."</p>
+<p>"Ach!" replied Jake, "I don't hold spite long."</p>
+<a name="H601" id="H601"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SPRING</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">In the spring the housemaid's fancy</p>
+<p class="i4">Lightly turns from pot and pan</p>
+<p class="i2">To the greater necromancy</p>
+<p class="i4">Of a young unmarried man.</p>
+<p class="i2">You can hold her through the winter,</p>
+<p class="i4">And she'll work around and sing,</p>
+<p class="i2">But it's just as good as certain</p>
+<p class="i4">She will marry in the spring.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">It is easy enough to look pleasant,</p>
+<p class="i2">When the spring comes along with a rush;</p>
+<p class="i4">But the fellow worth-while</p>
+<p class="i4">Is the one who can smile</p>
+<p class="i2">When he slips and sits down in the slush.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Leslie Van Every</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H602" id="H602"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>STAMMERING</h3>
+<p>One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying
+those about him.</p>
+<p>"Don't you like the show?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, indeed!"</p>
+<p>"Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?"</p>
+<p>"Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! I w-was s-s-im-ply
+s-s-s-saying to S-s-s-sammie that the s-s-s-singing is
+s-s-s-superb."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man who stuttered badly went to a specialist and after ten
+difficult lessons learned to say quite distinctly, "Peter Piper
+picked a peck of pickled peppers." His friends congratulated him
+upon this splendid achievement.</p>
+<p>"Yes," said the man doubtfully, "but it's s-s-such a
+d-d-deucedly d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-w-work into an
+ordin-n-nary c-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y' know."</p>
+<a name="H603" id="H603"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>STATESMEN</h3>
+<p>A statesman is a deal politician.&mdash;<i>Mr. Dooley</i>.</p>
+<p>A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going,
+then jumps in front and yells like blazes.</p>
+<a name="H604" id="H604"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>STATISTICS</h3>
+<p>An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the
+Lord all the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for
+help against the progress of wickedness in his town, with the
+statement:</p>
+<p>"Oh, Thou great Jehovah, crime is on the increase. It is
+becoming more prevalent daily. I can prove it to you by
+statistics."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>PATIENT&mdash;"Tell me candidly, Doc, do you think I'll pull
+through?"</p>
+<p>DOCTOR&mdash;"Oh, you're bound to get well&mdash;you can't help
+yourself. <i>The Medical Record</i> shows that out of one hundred
+cases like yours, one per cent invariably recovers. I've treated
+ninety-nine cases, and every one of them died. Why, man alive, you
+can't die if you try! There's no humbug in statistics."</p>
+<a name="H605" id="H605"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>STEAK</h3>
+<p>"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?"</p>
+<p>"It depends on your teeth, sir."</p>
+<a name="H606" id="H606"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>STEAM</h3>
+<p>"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner.</p>
+<p>"Why, sure, sir," replied Patrick confidently. "Steam
+is&mdash;Why&mdash;er&mdash;it's wather thos's gone crazy wid the
+heat."</p>
+<a name="H607" id="H607"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS</h3>
+<p>"That new steamer they're building is a whopper," says the man
+with the shoe button nose.</p>
+<p>"Yes," agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, "but my uncle
+is going to build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in
+one end of it he can go to the other end and be clear away from the
+storm."</p>
+<a name="H608" id="H608"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>STENOGRAPHERS</h3>
+<p>A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as
+stenographer to a dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent. On the
+morning of her first appearance she went straight to the desk of
+her employer.</p>
+<p>"I presume," she remarked, "that you begin the day over here the
+same as they do in New York?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes," replied the employer, without glancing up from a
+letter he was reading.</p>
+<p>"Well, hurry up and kiss me, then," was the startling rejoinder,
+"I want to get to work."</p>
+<a name="H609" id="H609"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>STOCK BROKERS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A grain broker in New Boston, Maine,</p>
+<p class="i2">Said, "That market gives me a pain;</p>
+<p class="i4">I can hardly bear it,</p>
+<p class="i4">To bull&mdash;I don't dare it,</p>
+<p class="i2">For it's going against the grain."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H610" id="H610"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>STRATEGY</h3>
+<p>A bird dog belonging to a man in Mulvane disappeared last week.
+The owner put this "ad" in the paper and insisted that it be
+printed exactly as he wrote it:</p>
+<p>LOST OR RUN AWAY&mdash;One livver culered burd dog called Jim.
+Will show signs of hyderfobby in about three days. The dog came
+home the following day.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Boy, take these flowers to Miss Bertie Bohoo, Room 12."</p>
+<p>"My, sir, you're the fourth gentleman wot's sent her flowers
+to-day."</p>
+<p>"What's that? What the deuce? W&mdash;who sent the others?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, they didn't send any names. They all said, 'She'll know
+where they come from.'"</p>
+<p>"Well, here, take my card, and tell her these are from the same
+one who sent the other three boxes."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The little girl was having a great deal of trouble pronouncing
+some of the words she met with. "Vinegar" had given her the most
+trouble, and she was duly grieved to know that the village was
+being entertained by her efforts in this direction.</p>
+<p>She was sent one day to the store with the vinegar-jug, to get
+it filled, and had no intention of amusing the people who were
+gathered in the store. So she handed the jug to the clerk with:</p>
+<p>"Smell the mouth of it and give me a quart."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A young couple had been courting for several years, and the
+young man seemed to be in no hurry to marry. Finally, one day, he
+said:</p>
+<p>"Sall, I canna marry thee."</p>
+<p>"How's that?" asked she.</p>
+<p>"I've changed my mind," said he.</p>
+<p>"Well, I'll tell thee what we'll do," said she. "If folks know
+that it's thee as has given me up I shanna be able to get another
+chap; but if they think I've given thee up then I can get all I
+want. So we'll have banns published and when the wedding day comes
+the parson will say to thee, 'Wilt thou have this woman to be thy
+wedded wife?' and thou must say, 'I will.' And when he says to me,
+'Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband?' I shall say, 'I
+winna.'"</p>
+<p>The day came, and when the minister asked the important question
+the man answered:</p>
+<p>"I will."</p>
+<p>Then the parson said to the woman:</p>
+<p>"Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband?" and she
+said:</p>
+<p>"I will."</p>
+<p>"Why," said the young man furiously, "you said you would say 'I
+winna.'"</p>
+<p>"I know that," said the young woman, "but I've changed my mind
+since."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Charles Stuart, formerly senator from Michigan, was traveling by
+stage through his own state. The weather was bitter cold, the snow
+deep, and the roads practically unbroken. The stage was nearly an
+hour late at the dinner station and everybody was cross and
+hungry.</p>
+<p>In spite of the warning, "Ten minutes only for refreshments,"
+Senator Stuart sat down to dinner with his usual deliberation. When
+he had finished his first cup of coffee the other passengers were
+leaving the table. By the time his second cup arrived the stage was
+at the door. "All aboard!" shouted the driver. The senator lingered
+and called for a third cup of coffee.</p>
+<p>While the household, as was the custom, assembled at the door to
+see the stage oft, the senator calmly continued his meal. Suddenly,
+just as the stage was starting, he pounded violently on the
+dining-room table. The landlord hurried in. The senator wanted a
+dish of rice-pudding. When it came he called for a spoon. There
+wasn't a spoon to be found.</p>
+<p>"That shock-headed fellow took 'em!" exclaimed the landlady. "I
+knew him for a thief the minute I laid eyes on him."</p>
+<p>The landlord jumped to the same conclusion.</p>
+<p>"Hustle after that stage!" he shouted to the sheriff, who was
+untying his horse from the rail in front of the tavern. "Bring 'em
+all back. They've taken the silver!"</p>
+<p>A few minutes later the stage, in charge of the sheriff, swung
+around in front of the house. The driver was in a fury.</p>
+<p>"Search them passengers!" insisted the landlord.</p>
+<p>But before the officer could move, the senator opened the stage
+door, stepped inside, then leaned out, touched the sheriff's arm
+and whispered:</p>
+<p>"Tell the landlord he'll find his spoons in the coffee-pot."</p>
+<a name="H611" id="H611"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SUBWAYS</h3>
+<p>Any one who has ever traveled on the New York subway in rush
+hours can easily appreciate the following:</p>
+<p>A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought
+of pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some
+money in his overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was
+somewhat shocked upon encountering the fist of a fat
+fellow-passenger.</p>
+<p>"Aha!" snorted the latter. "I caught you that time!"</p>
+<p>"Leggo!" snarled the little man. "Leggo my hand!"</p>
+<p>"Pickpocket!" hissed the fat man.</p>
+<p>"Scoundrel!" retorted the little one.</p>
+<p>Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his
+paper.</p>
+<p>"I'd like to get off here," he drawled, "if you fellows don't
+mind taking your hands out of my pocket."</p>
+<a name="H612" id="H612"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SUCCESS</h3>
+<p>Nothing succeeds like excess.&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Nothing succeeds like looking successful.&mdash;<i>Henriette
+Corkland</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Success in life often consists in knowing just when to disagree
+with one's employer.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A New Orleans lawyer was asked to address the boys of a business
+school. He commenced:</p>
+<p>"My young friends, as I approached the entrance to this room I
+noticed on the panel of the door a word eminently appropriate to an
+institution of this kind. It expresses the one thing most useful to
+the average man when he steps into the arena of life. It
+was&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Pull," shouted the boys, in a roar of laughter, and the lawyer
+felt that he had taken his text from the wrong side of the
+door.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I'd rather be a Could Be</p>
+<p class="i4">If I could not be an Are;</p>
+<p class="i2">For a Could Be is a May Be,</p>
+<p class="i4">With a chance of touching par.</p>
+<p class="i2">I'd rather be a Has Been</p>
+<p class="i4">Than a Might Have Been, by far;</p>
+<p class="i2">For a Might Have Been has never been,</p>
+<p class="i4">But a Has was once an Are.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">'Tis not in mortals to command success,</p>
+<p class="i2">But we'll do more, Sempronius,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">We'll deserve it.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Addison</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There are two ways of rising in the world: either by one's own
+industry or profiting by the foolishness of others.&mdash;<i>La
+Bruy&egrave;re</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Success is counted sweetest</p>
+<p class="i2">By those who ne'er succeed.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Emily Dickinson</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Making good.</p>
+<a name="H613" id="H613"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SUFFRAGETTES</h3>
+<p>When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her
+husband is usually left at home to look after his
+wrongs.&mdash;<i>Child Harold</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"'Ullo, Bill, 'ow's things with yer?"</p>
+<p>"Lookin' up, Tom, lookin' up."</p>
+<p>"Igh cost o' livin' not 'ittin' yer, Bill?"</p>
+<p>"Not so 'ard, Tom&mdash;not so 'ard. The missus 'as went 'orf on
+a hunger stroike and me butcher's bills is cut in arf!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I'd hate t' be married t' a suffragette an' have t' eat Battle
+Creek breakfasts.&mdash;<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FIRST ENGLISHMAN&mdash;"Why do you allow your wife to be a
+militant suffragette?"</p>
+<p>SECOND ENGLISHMAN&mdash;"When she's busy wrecking things outside
+we have comparative peace at home."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Recipe for a suffragette:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">To the power that already lies in her hands</p>
+<p class="i4">You add equal rights with the gents;</p>
+<p class="i2">You'll find votes that used to bring two or three
+plunks,</p>
+<p class="i4">Marked down to ninety-eight cents.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When Mrs. Pankhurst, the English suffragette, was in America she
+met and became very much attached to Mrs. Lee Preston, a New York
+woman of singular cleverness of mind and personal attraction. After
+the acquaintance had ripened somewhat Mrs. Pankhurst ventured to
+say:</p>
+<p>"I do hope, Mrs. Preston, that you are a suffragette."</p>
+<p>"Oh, dear no!" replied Mrs. Preston; "you know, Mrs. Pankhurst,
+I am happily married."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>BILL&mdash;"Jake said he was going to break up the suffragette
+meeting the other night. Were his plans carried out?"</p>
+<p>DILL&mdash;"No, Jake was."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SLASHER&mdash;"Been in a fight?"</p>
+<p>MASHER&mdash;"No. I tried to flirt with a pretty
+suffragette."&mdash;<i>Judge</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What sort of a ticket does your suffragette club favor?"</p>
+<p>"Well," replied young Mrs. Torkins, "if we owned right up, I
+think most of us would prefer matin&eacute;e tickets."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Woman suffrage.</p>
+<a name="H614" id="H614"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SUICIDE</h3>
+<p>The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner,
+discussed his country's customs.</p>
+<p>"There is one custom," said a young girl, "that I can't
+understand&mdash;and that is the Chinese custom of committing
+suicide by eating gold-leaf. I can't understand how gold-leaf can
+kill."</p>
+<p>"The partaker, no doubt," smiled the Consul, "succumbs from a
+consciousness of inward gilt."</p>
+<a name="H615" id="H615"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SUMMER RESORTS</h3>
+<p>GABE&mdash;"What are you going back to that place for this
+summer? Why, last year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing."</p>
+<p>STEVE&mdash;"The owner tells me that he has crossed the
+mosquitoes with the fish, and guarantees a bite every second."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I suppose," said the city man, "there are some queer characters
+around an old village like this."</p>
+<p>"You'll find a good many," admitted the native, "when the hotels
+fill up."</p>
+<a name="H616" id="H616"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SUNDAY</h3>
+<p>Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse," he
+said one day, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee,
+"nurse, is this God's day?"</p>
+<p>"No, dear," said the nurse, "this is not Sunday; it is
+Thursday."</p>
+<p>"I'm so sorry," he said, sadly, and went back to his blocks.</p>
+<p>The next day and the next in his serious manner he asked the
+same question, and the nurse tearfully said to the cook:</p>
+<p>"That child is too good for this world."</p>
+<p>On Sunday the question was repeated, and the nurse, with a sob
+in her voice, said: "Yes, lambie, this is God's day."</p>
+<p>"Then where is the funny paper?" he demanded.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"Good little boys do not skate on Sunday, Corky. Don't
+you think that is very nice of them?"</p>
+<p>CORKY&mdash;"Sure t'ing!"</p>
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"And why is it nice of them, Corky?"</p>
+<p>CORKY&mdash;"Aw, it leaves more room on de ice! See?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Of all the days that's in the week,</p>
+<p class="i4">I dearly love but one day,</p>
+<p class="i2">And that's the day that comes betwixt</p>
+<p class="i4">A Saturday and Monday.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Henry Carey</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>O day of rest! How beautiful, how fair,</p>
+<p>How welcome to the weary and the old!</p>
+<p>Day of the Lord! and truce to earthly care!</p>
+<p>Day of the Lord, as all our days should be!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&mdash;<i>Longfellow</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H617" id="H617"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SUNDAY SCHOOLS</h3>
+<p>"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing
+the blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll
+play 'Sabbath School.' You give me a nickel every Sunday for six
+months, and then at Christmas I'll give you a ten-cent bag of
+candy."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When Lottie returned from her first visit to Sunday-school, she
+was asked what she had learned.</p>
+<p>"God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh
+day," was her version of the lesson imparted.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The teacher asked: "When did Moses live?"</p>
+<p>After the silence had become painful she ordered: "Open your Old
+Testaments. What does it say there?"</p>
+<p>A boy answered: "Moses, 4000."</p>
+<p>"Now," said the teacher, "why didn't you know when Moses
+lived?"</p>
+<p>"Well," replied the boy, "I thought it was his telephone
+number,"&mdash;<i>Suburban Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How many of you boys," asked the Sunday-school superintendent,
+"can bring two other boys next Sunday?"</p>
+<p>There was no response until a new recruit raised his hand
+hesitatingly.</p>
+<p>"Well, William?"</p>
+<p>"I can't bring two, but there's one little feller I can lick,
+and I'll do my damnedest to bring him."</p>
+<a name="H618" id="H618"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SUPERSTITION</h3>
+<p>Superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its
+time.&mdash;<i>George Iles</i>.</p>
+<a name="H619" id="H619"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SURPRISE</h3>
+<p>"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five
+children.</p>
+<p>"I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the
+mother.</p>
+<p>"Are we all goin', too?"</p>
+<p>"No, dear. You weren't invited."</p>
+<p>After a few moments' deep thought:</p>
+<p>"Say, ma, then don't you think they'd be lots more surprised if
+you did take us all?"</p>
+<a name="H620" id="H620"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SWIMMERS</h3>
+<p>Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging
+about their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man
+got up a match. The man who swam the longest distance was to
+receive $5. The Alabama Whale immediately stripped on the dock, but
+the Human Steamboat said he had some business and would return in a
+few minutes. The Whale swam the river four or five times for
+exercise and by that time the Human Steamboat returned. He wore a
+pair of swimming trunks and had a sheet iron cook stove strapped on
+his back. Tied around his neck were a dozen packages containing
+bread, flour, bacon and other eatables. The Whale gazed at his
+opponent in amazement.</p>
+<p>"Whar yo' vittles?" demanded the Human Steamboat.</p>
+<p>"Vittles fo' what?" asked the Whale.</p>
+<p>"Don't yo' ask me fo' nothin' on the way ovah," warned the
+Steamboat. "Mah fust stop is New York an' mah next stop is
+London."</p>
+<a name="H621" id="H621"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SYMPATHY</h3>
+<p>A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't
+cost anything.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed
+by a man much the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along
+the car between two rows of well-dressed people, regardless of
+tender feet.</p>
+<p>Murmurs and complaints arose on all sides and demands were heard
+that the offender should be ejected at once.</p>
+<p>But amid the storm of abuse one friendly voice was raised. Mr.
+Moody rose from his seat, saying:</p>
+<p>"No, no, friends! Let the man sit down and be quiet."</p>
+<p>The drunken one turned, and, seizing the famous evangelist by
+the hand, exclaimed:</p>
+<p>"Thank ye, sir&mdash;thank ye! I see you know what it is to be
+drunk."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The man rushed excitedly into the smoking car. "A lady has
+fainted in the next car! Has anybody got any whiskey?" he
+asked.</p>
+<p>Instantly a half-dozen flasks were thrust out to him. Taking the
+nearest one, he turned the bottle up and took a big drink, then,
+handing the flask back, said, "Thank you. It always did make me
+feel sick to see a lady faint."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A tramp went to a farmhouse, and sitting down in the front yard
+began to eat the grass.</p>
+<p>The housewife's heart went out to him: "Poor man, you must
+indeed be hungry. Come around to the back."</p>
+<p>The tramp beamed and winked at the hired man.</p>
+<p>"There," said the housewife, when the tramp hove in sight,
+pointing to a circle of green grass, "try that: you will find that
+grass so much longer."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Strengthen me by sympathizing with my strength, not my
+weakness.&mdash;<i>Amos Bronson Alcott</i>.</p>
+<a name="H622" id="H622"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>SYNONYMS</h3>
+<p>"I don't believe any two words in the English language are
+synonymous."</p>
+<p>"Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and
+'lift'?"</p>
+<p>"There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens and have a
+neighbor who has been known to 'lift' them."</p>
+<a name="H623" id="H623"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TABLE MANNERS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Dining.</p>
+<a name="H624" id="H624"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TACT</h3>
+<p>It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished to
+compliment his hostess, saying:</p>
+<p>"Madam, you played your part splendidly. It fits you to
+perfection."</p>
+<p>"I'm afraid not. A young and pretty woman is needed for that
+part," said the smiling hostess.</p>
+<p>"But, madam, you have positively proved the contrary."</p>
+<a name="H625" id="H625"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD</h3>
+<p>When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he
+had been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old
+friend. It was a small house, not well built, and as he walked
+about in his room the unsubstantial little house fairly shook with
+his tread. When he got into bed that receptacle, unused to so much
+weight, gave way, precipitating Taft on the floor.</p>
+<p>His friend hurried to his door.</p>
+<p>"What's the matter, Bill?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, I'm all right, I guess," Taft called out to his friend
+good-naturedly; "but say, Joe, if you don't find me here in the
+morning look in the cellar."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One morning a few summers ago President Taft, wearing the
+largest bathing suit known to modern times, threw his substantial
+form into the cooling waves of Beverly Bay. Shortly afterward one
+neighbor said to another: "Let's go bathing."</p>
+<p>"How can we?" was the response. "The President is using the
+ocean."</p>
+<a name="H626" id="H626"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TALENT</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Actors and actresses.</p>
+<a name="H627" id="H627"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TALKERS</h3>
+<p>Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera
+box-party given by a prominent member of New York society. The
+hostess had been particularly talkative all during the
+performance&mdash;to Mr. Clemens's increasing irritation.</p>
+<p>Toward the end of the opera, she turned to him and said
+gushingly:</p>
+<p>"Oh, my dear Mr. Clemens, I do so want you to be with us next
+Friday evening. I'm certain you will like it the opera will be
+'Tosca.'"</p>
+<p>"Charmed, I'm sure," replied Clemens. "I've never heard you in
+that."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was a beautiful evening and Ole, who had screwed up courage
+to take Mary for a ride, was carried away by the magic of the
+night.</p>
+<p>"Mary," he asked, "will you marry me?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, Ole," she answered softly.</p>
+<p>Ole lapsed into a silence that at last became painful to his
+fianc&eacute;e.</p>
+<p>"Ole," she said desperately, "why don't you say something?"</p>
+<p>"Ay tank," Ole replied, "they bane too much said already."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Sir," said the sleek-looking agent, approaching the desk of the
+meek, meaching-looking man and opening one of those folding
+thingumjigs showing styles of binding, "I believe I can interest
+you in this massive set of books containing the speeches of the
+world's greatest orators. Seventy volumes, one dollar down and one
+dollar a month until the price, six hundred and eighty dollars has
+been paid. This set of books gives you the most celebrated speeches
+of the greatest talkers the world has ever known and&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Let me see the index," said the meek man.</p>
+<p>The agent handed it to him and he looked through it carefully
+and methodically, running his finger along the list of names.</p>
+<p>Reaching the end he handed the index back to the agent and said:
+"It isn't what you claim it is. I happen to know the greatest
+talker in the world, and you haven't her in the index."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A guest was expected for dinner and Bobby had received five
+cents as the price of his silence during the meal. He was as quiet
+as a mouse until, discovering that his favorite dessert was being
+served, he could no longer curb his enthusiasm. He drew the coin
+from his pocket, and rolling it across the table, exclaimed:
+"Here's your nickel, Mamma. I'd rather talk."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A belated voyager in search of hilarity stumbled home after one
+o'clock and found his wife waiting for him. The curtain lecture
+that followed was of unusual virulence, and in the midst of it he
+fell asleep. Awakening a few hours later he found his wife still
+pouring forth a regular cascade of denunciation. Eyeing her
+sleepily he said curiously,</p>
+<p>"Say, are you talking yet or again?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"You must not talk all the time, Ethel," said the mother who had
+been interrupted.</p>
+<p>"When will I be old enough to, Mama?" asked the little girl.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>While the late Justice Brewer was judge in a minor court he was
+presiding at the trial of a wife's suit for separation and alimony.
+The defendant acknowledged that he hadn't spoken to his wife in
+five years, and Judge Brewer put in a question.</p>
+<p>"What explanation have you," he asked severely, "for not
+speaking to your wife in five years?"</p>
+<p>"Your Honor," replied the husband, "I didn't like to interrupt
+the lady."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>She was in an imaginative mood.</p>
+<p>"Henry, dear," she said after talking two hours without a
+recess, "I sometimes wish I were a mermaid."</p>
+<p>"It would be fatal," snapped her weary hubby.</p>
+<p>"Fatal! In what way?"</p>
+<p>"Why, you couldn't keep your mouth closed long enough to keep
+from drowning."</p>
+<p>And after that, Henry did not get any supper.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Here comes Blinkers. He's got a new baby, and he'll talk us to
+death."</p>
+<p>"Well, here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog.
+Let's introduce them and leave them to their
+fate."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A street-car was getting under way when two women, rushing from
+opposite sides of the street to greet each other, met right in the
+middle of the car-track and in front of the car. There the two
+stopped and began to talk. The car stopped, too, but the women did
+not appear to realize that it was there. Certain of the passengers,
+whose heads were immediately thrust out of the windows to ascertain
+what the trouble was, began to make sarcastic remarks, but the two
+women heeded them not.</p>
+<p>Finally the motorman showed that he had a saving sense of humor.
+Leaning over the dash-board, he inquired, in the gentlest of
+tones:</p>
+<p>"Pardon me, ladies, but shall I get you a couple of chairs?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A&mdash;"I used a word in speaking to my wife which offended her
+sorely a week ago. She has not spoken a syllable to me since."</p>
+<p>B&mdash;"Would you mind telling me what it was?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In general those who have nothing to say Contrive to spend the
+longest time in doing it.&mdash;<i>Lowell</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Wives.</p>
+<a name="H628" id="H628"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TARDINESS</h3>
+<p>"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in
+passing a small boy who was carrying a package.</p>
+<p>"No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."&mdash;<i>Mabel
+Long</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school
+this morning?" the teacher asked severely.</p>
+<p>"Please, ma'am," said Ethel, "I must have overwashed
+myself."</p>
+<a name="H629" id="H629"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TARIFF</h3>
+<p>Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty
+saying, "America expects every man to pay his duty?"&mdash;<i>Kent
+Packard</i>.</p>
+<a name="H630" id="H630"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TASTE</h3>
+<p>"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms,"
+said Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter
+whose little daughter called at a friend's house and said:</p>
+<p>'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'"</p>
+<p>So, with great pride, the hostess led the little girl into the
+drawing-room, and raised all the blinds, so that the light might
+stream in abundantly upon the gorgeous colors of an expensive
+Kirmanshah.</p>
+<p>The little girl stared down at the rug in silence. Then, as she
+turned away, she said in a rather disappointed voice:</p>
+<p>"'It doesn't make <i>me</i> sick!'"</p>
+<a name="H631" id="H631"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TEACHERS</h3>
+<p>A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was
+much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning.
+At last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first
+pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the
+largest three boys of her class were sitting on the doorstep of the
+schoolhouse, and by six o'clock every boy in the school and four of
+the directors were waiting for her to arrive.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Why did you break your engagement with that school
+teacher?"</p>
+<p>"If I failed to show up at her house every evening, she expected
+me to bring a written excuse signed by my mother."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Among the youngsters belonging to a colege settlement in a New
+England city was one little girl who returned to her humble home
+with glowing accounts of the new teacher.</p>
+<p>"She's a perfect lady," exclaimed the enthusiastic
+youngster.</p>
+<p>The child's mother gave her a doubtful look. "How do <i>you</i>
+know?" she said. "You've only known her two days."</p>
+<p>"It's easy enough tellin'," continued the child. "I know she's a
+perfect lady, because she makes you feel polite all the time."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MOTHER&mdash;"The teacher complains you have not had a correct
+lesson for a month; why is it?"</p>
+<p>SON&mdash;"She always kisses me when I get them right."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There was a meeting of the new teachers and the old. It was a
+sort of love feast, reception or whatever you call it. Anyhow all
+the teachers got together and pretended they didn't have a care in
+the world. After the eats were et the symposiarch proposed a
+toast:</p>
+<p>"Long Live Our Teachers!"</p>
+<p>It was drunk enthusiastically. One of the new teachers was
+called on to respond. He modestly accepted. His answer was:</p>
+<p>"What On?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"Now, Willie, where did you get that chewing gum?
+I want the truth."</p>
+<p>WILLIE&mdash;"You don't want the truth, teacher, an' I'd ruther
+not tell a lie."</p>
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"How dare you say I don't want the truth! Tell me
+at once where you got that chewing-gum."</p>
+<p>WILLIE&mdash;"Under your desk."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Grave is the Master's look; his forehead wears</p>
+<p class="i2">Thick rows of wrinkles, prints of worrying cares:</p>
+<p class="i2">Uneasy lie the heads of all that rule,</p>
+<p class="i2">His worst of all whose kingdom is a school.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>0.W. Holmes</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H632" id="H632"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TEARS</h3>
+<p>Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a
+hotel, when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it
+was he partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his
+eyes.</p>
+<p>Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye cryin' fer?"</p>
+<p>Pat, wishing to have Mike fooled also, exclaimed: "I'm crying
+fer me poor ould mother, who's dead way over in Ireland."</p>
+<p>By and by Mike took some of the radish, whereupon tears filled
+<i>his</i> eyes. Pat, seeing them, asked his friend what he was
+crying for.</p>
+<p>Mike replied: "Because ye didn't die at the same time yer poor
+ould mother did."</p>
+<a name="H633" id="H633"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TEETH</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was an old man of Tarentum,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em:</p>
+<p class="i4">And when asked for the cost</p>
+<p class="i4">Of what he had lost,</p>
+<p class="i2">Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Pat came to the office with his jaw very much swollen from a
+tooth he desired to have pulled. But when the suffering son of Erin
+got into the dentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps
+approaching his face, he positively refused to open his mouth.</p>
+<p>The dentist quietly told his office boy to prick his patient
+with a pin, and when Pat opened his mouth to yell the dentist
+seized the tooth, and out it came.</p>
+<p>"It didn't hurt as much as you expected it would, did it?" the
+dentist asked smiling.</p>
+<p>"Well, no," replied Pat hesitatingly, as if doubting the
+truthfulness of his admission. "But," he added, placing his hand on
+the spot where the boy jabbed him with the pin, "begorra, little
+did I think the roots would reach down like that."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An Irishman with one side of his face badly swollen stepped into
+Dr. Wicten's office and inquired if the dentist was in. "I am the
+dentist," said the doctor.</p>
+<p>"Well, then, I want ye to see what's the matter wid me
+tooth."</p>
+<p>The doctor examined the offending molar, and explained: "The
+nerve is dead; that's what's the matter."</p>
+<p>"Thin, be the powers," the Irishman exclaimed, "the other teeth
+must be houldin' a wake over it!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">For there was never yet philosopher</p>
+<p class="i2">That could endure the toothache patiently.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H634" id="H634"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TELEPHONE</h3>
+<p>Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what
+they should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this
+important conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly
+for a number. One of the girls became indignant and scornfully
+asked:</p>
+<p>"What line do you think you are on, anyhow?"</p>
+<p>"Well," said the man, "I am not sure, but, judging from what I
+have heard, I should say I was on a clothesline."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When Grover Cleveland's little girl was quite young her father
+once telephoned to the White House from Chicago and asked Mrs.
+Cleveland to bring the child to the 'phone. Lifting the little one
+up to the instrument, Mrs. Cleveland watched her expression change
+from bewilderment to wonder and then to fear. It was surely her
+father's voice&mdash;yet she looked at the telephone incredulously.
+After examining the tiny opening in the receiver the little girl
+burst into tears. "Oh, Mamma!" she sobbed. "How can we ever get
+Papa out of that little hole?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>New York Elks are having a lot of fun with a member of their
+lodge, a Fifteenth Street jeweler. The other day his wife was in
+the jewelry store when the 'phone rang. She answered it.</p>
+<p>"I want to speak to Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;," said a woman's
+voice.</p>
+<p>"Who is this?' demanded the jeweler's wife.</p>
+<p>"Elizabeth."</p>
+<p>"Well, Elizabeth, this is his wife. Now, madam, what do you
+want?"</p>
+<p>"I want to talk to Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;."</p>
+<p>"You'll talk to me."</p>
+<p>"Please let me speak to Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;."</p>
+<p>The jeweler's wife grew angry. "Look here, young lady," she
+said, "who are you that calls my husband and insists on talking to
+him?"</p>
+<p>"I'm the telephone operator at Elizabeth, N.J.," came the
+reply.</p>
+<p>And now the Elks take turns calling the jeweler up and telling
+him it's Elizabeth.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>OPERATOR&mdash;"Number, please."</p>
+<p>SUBSCRIBER&mdash;"I vas talking mit my husband und now I don't
+hear him any more. You must of pushed him off de vire."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A German woman called up Central and instructed her as
+follows:</p>
+<p>"Ist dis de mittle? Veil dis is Lena. Hang my hustband on dis
+line. I vant to speak mit him."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In China when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may
+be expected to ask:</p>
+<p>"What number does the honorable son of the moon and stars
+desire?"</p>
+<p>"Hohi, two-three."</p>
+<p>Silence. Then the exchange resumes.</p>
+<p>"Will the honorable person graciously forgive the inadequacy of
+the insignificant service and permit this humbled slave of the wire
+to inform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently censured line is
+busy?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Recipe for a telephone operator:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">To fearful and wonderful rolling of "r's,"</p>
+<p class="i4">And a voice cold as thirty below,</p>
+<p class="i2">Add a dash of red pepper, some ginger and sass</p>
+<p class="i4">If you leave out the "o" in "hello"!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H635" id="H635"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TEMPER</h3>
+<p>Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to
+see her favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for
+her mercurial temper. "Dinah," she said, "I cannot stand it any
+longer. I want you to go. I want you to go soon, I want you to go
+right now."</p>
+<p>"Lawzee," replied Dinah, "this surely am a co-instence. I was
+this very minute cogitatin' that same thought in my own
+mind&mdash;I want to go, I thank the good Lawd I kin go, and I pity
+your husband, ma'am, that he can't go."</p>
+<a name="H636" id="H636"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TEMPERANCE</h3>
+<p>A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of
+temperance employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his
+home. In repairing a corner near the fireplace, it was found
+necessary to remove the wainscot, when some things were brought to
+light which greatly astonished the workman. A brace of decanters,
+sundry bottles containing "something to take," a pitcher, and
+tumblers were cosily reposing in their snug quarters. The joiner
+ran to the proprietor with the intelligence.</p>
+<p>"Well, I declare!" exclaimed the deacon. "That is curious, sure
+enough. It must be old Captain Bunce that left those things there
+when he occupied the premises thirty years since."</p>
+<p>"Perhaps he did, returned the discoverer, but, Deacon, that ice
+in the pitcher must have been well frozen to remain
+solid."&mdash;<i>Abbie C. Dixon</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to a temperance supper,</p>
+<p class="i4">With water in glasses tall,</p>
+<p class="i2">And coffee and tea to end with</p>
+<p class="i4">And me not there at all.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The best prohibition story of the season comes from Kansas
+where, it is said, a local candidate stored a lot of printed
+prohibition literature in his barn, but accidentally left the door
+open and a herd of milch cows came in and ate all the pamphlets. As
+a result every cow in the herd went dry.&mdash;<i>Adrian
+Times</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Michigan citizen recently received a letter from a Kentucky
+whisky house, requesting him to send them the names of a dozen or
+more persons who would like to get some fine whisky shipped to them
+at a very low price. The letter wound up by saying:</p>
+<p>"We will give you a commission on all the orders sent in by
+parties whose names you send us."</p>
+<p>The Michigan man belonged to a practical joke class, and filled
+in the names of some of his prohibition friends on the blank spaces
+left for that purpose.</p>
+<p>He had forgotten all about his supposed practical joke when
+Monday he received another letter from the same house. He supposed
+it was a request for some more names, and was just about to throw
+the communication in the waste basket when it occurred to him to
+send the name of another old friend to the whisky house. He
+accordingly tore open the envelope, and came near collapsing when
+he found a check for $4.80, representing his commission on the sale
+of whisky to the parties whose names he had sent in about three
+weeks before.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be
+difficult.&mdash;<i>Samuel Johnson</i>.</p>
+<a name="H637" id="H637"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TEXAS</h3>
+<p>The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of
+the map. But its effect upon the people of that state is not
+generally known. It is about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at
+the bottom of the map, to Dallas, which is several hundreds of
+miles from the top of the map. Hence the following conversation in
+Brownsville recently between two of the old-time residents:</p>
+<p>"Where have you been lately, Bob? I ain't seen much of you."</p>
+<p>"Been on a trip north."</p>
+<p>"Where'd you go?"</p>
+<p>"Went to Dallas."</p>
+<p>"Have a good time?"</p>
+<p>"Naw; I never did like them damn Yankees, anyway."</p>
+<a name="H638" id="H638"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TEXTS</h3>
+<p>In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had
+declared colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without
+previous meditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The
+voice of the turtle shall be heard in the land." Not noting that
+the margin read "turtle-dove," he proceeded in this manner:</p>
+<p>"This text, my hearers, strikes me as one of the most peculiar
+texts in the whole book, because we all know that a turtle ain't
+got no voice. But by the inward enlightenment I begin to see the
+meaning and will expose it to you. Down in the hollers by the
+streams and ponds you have gone in the springtime, my brethren, and
+observed the little turtles, a-sleeping on the logs. But at the
+sound of the approach of a human being, they went
+<i>kerflop-kerplunk</i>, down into the water. This I say, then, is
+the meaning of the prophet: he, speakinging figgeratively, referred
+to the <i>kerflop</i> of the turtle as the <i>voice</i> of the
+turtle, and hence we see that in those early times the prophet,
+looking down at the ages to come, clearly taught and prophesied the
+doctrine I have always preached to this congregation&mdash;<i>that
+immersion is the only form of baptism."</i></p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>John D. Rockefeller, Jr., once asked a clergyman to give him an
+appropriate Bible verse on which to base an address which he was to
+make at the latter's church.</p>
+<p>"I was thinking," said young Rockefeller, "that I would take the
+verse from the Twenty-third Psalm: 'The Lord is my shepherd.' Would
+that seem appropriate?"</p>
+<p>"Quite," said the clergyman; "but do you really want an
+appropriate verse?"</p>
+<p>"I certainly do," was the reply.</p>
+<p>"Well, then," said the clergyman, with a twinkle in his eye, "I
+would select the verse in the same Psalm: 'Thou anointest my head
+with oil; my cup runneth over.'"</p>
+<a name="H639" id="H639"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>THEATER</h3>
+<p>"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a
+producer of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a
+film-drama. Listen to the impromptu scenario: Scene one, exterior
+of a Broadway theater, with the ticket-speculators getting the coin
+in handfuls, and&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"You're out!" interrupted the producer. "Why, don't you know
+that the law don't permit us to show an actual robbery on the
+screen?"&mdash;<i>P.H. Carey</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Why don't women have the same sense of humor that men possess?"
+asked Mr. Torkins.</p>
+<p>"Perhaps," answered his wife gently, "it's because we don't
+attend the same theaters."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It appears that at the rehearsal of a play, a wonderful climax
+had been reached, which was to be heightened by the effective use
+of the usual thunder and lightning. The stage-carpenter was given
+the order. The words were spoken, and instantly a noise which
+resembled a succession of pistol-shots was heard off the wings.</p>
+<p>"What on earth are you doing, man?" shouted the manager, rushing
+behind the scenes. "Do you call that thunder? It's not a bit like
+it."</p>
+<p>"Awfully sorry, sir," responded the carpenter; "but the fact is,
+sir, I couldn't hear you because of the storm. That was real
+thunder, sir!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Everybody has his own theater, in which he is manager, actor,
+prompter, playwright, sceneshifter, boxkeeper, doorkeeper, all in
+one, and audience into the bargain.&mdash;<i>J.C. and A.W.
+Hare</i>.</p>
+<a name="H640" id="H640"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>THIEVES</h3>
+<p>GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)&mdash;"Well, Ras, so you
+want me to defend you. Have you any money?"</p>
+<p>RASTUS&mdash;"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a
+hog or two."</p>
+<p>LAWYER&mdash;"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do
+they accuse you of stealing?"</p>
+<p>RASTUS&mdash;"Oh, a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or
+two."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At a dinner given by the prime minister of a little kingdom on
+the Balkan Peninsula, a distinguished diplomat complained to his
+host that the minister of justice, who had been sitting on his
+left, had stolen his watch.</p>
+<p>"Ah, he shouldn't have done that," said the prime minister, in
+tones of annoyance. "I will get it back for you."</p>
+<p>Sure enough, toward the end of the evening the watch was
+returned to its owner.</p>
+<p>"And what did he say?" asked the diplomat.</p>
+<p>"Sh-h," cautioned the host, glancing anxiously about him. "He
+doesn't know that I have got it back."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Senator "Bob" Taylor, of Tennessee, tells a story of how, when
+he was "Fiddling Bob," governor of that state, an old negress came
+to him and said:</p>
+<p>"Massa Gov'na, we's mighty po' this winter, and Ah wish you
+would pardon mah old man. He is a fiddler same as you is, and he's
+in the pen'tentry."</p>
+<p>"What was he put in for?" asked the governor.</p>
+<p>"Stead of workin' fo' it that good-fo'-nothin' nigger done stole
+some bacon."</p>
+<p>"If he is good for nothing what do you want him back for?"</p>
+<p>"Well, yo' see, we's all out of bacon ag'in," said the old
+negress innocently.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Did ye see as Jim got ten years' penal for stealing that
+'oss?"</p>
+<p>"Serve 'im right, too. Why didn't 'e buy the 'oss and not pay
+for 'im like any other gentleman?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Some time ago a crowd of Bowery sports went over to Philadelphia
+to see a prize fight. One "wise guy," who, among other things, is
+something of a pickpocket, was so sure of the result that he was
+willing to bet on it.</p>
+<p>"The Kid's goin' t' win. It's a pipe," he told a friend.</p>
+<p>The friend expressed doubts.</p>
+<p>"Sure he'll win," the pickpocket persisted. "I'll bet you a gold
+watch he wins."</p>
+<p>Still the friend doubted.</p>
+<p>"Why," exclaimed the pickpocket, "I'm willin' to bet you a good
+gold watch he wins! Y' know what I'll do? Come through the train
+with me now, an' y' can pick out any old watch y' like."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">In vain we call old notions fudge</p>
+<p class="i4">And bend our conscience to our dealing.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The Ten Commandments will not budge</p>
+<p class="i4">And stealing will continue stealing.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Motto of American Copyright League</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind;</p>
+<p class="i2">The thief doth fear each bush an officer.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Chicken stealing; Lawyers; Lost and found.</p>
+<a name="H641" id="H641"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>THIN PEOPLE</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was an old fellow named Green,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who grew so abnormally lean,</p>
+<p class="i4">And flat, and compressed,</p>
+<p class="i4">That his back touched his chest,</p>
+<p class="i2">And sideways he couldn't be seen.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young lady of Lynn,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who was so excessively thin,</p>
+<p class="i4">That when she essayed</p>
+<p class="i4">To drink lemonade</p>
+<p class="i2">She slipped through the straw and fell in.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H642" id="H642"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>THRIFT</h3>
+<p>It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland
+that if he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would
+invariably choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a
+stranger asked him:</p>
+<p>"Why do you always take the penny? Don't you know the difference
+in value?</p>
+<p>"Aye," answered the fool, "I ken the difference in value. But if
+I took the saxpence they would never try me again."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The Mrs. never misses</p>
+<p class="i4">Any bargain sale,</p>
+<p class="i2">For the female of the species</p>
+<p class="i4">Is more thrifty than the male.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>McANDREWS (the chemist, at two A.M.)&mdash;"Two penn'orth of
+bicarbonate of soda for indigestion at this time o' night, when a
+glass of hot water does just as well!"</p>
+<p>SANDY (hastily)&mdash;"Well, well! Thanks for the advice. I'll not
+bother ye, after all. Gude nicht!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The foreman and his crew of bridgemen were striving hard to make
+an impression on the select board provided by Mrs. Rooney at her
+Arkansas eating establishment.</p>
+<p>"The old man sure made a funny deal down at Piney yesterday,"
+observed the foreman, with a wink at the man to his right.</p>
+<p>"What'd he do?" asked the new man at the other end of the
+table.</p>
+<p>"Well, a year or so ago there used to be a water tank there, but
+they took down the tub and brought it up to Cabin Creek. The well
+went dry and they covered it over. It was four or five feet round,
+ninety feet deep, and plumb in the right of way. Didn't know what
+to do with it until along comes an old lollypop yesterday and gives
+the Old Man five dollars for it."</p>
+<p>"Five dollars for what?" asked the new man.</p>
+<p>"Well," continued the foreman, ignoring the interruption, "that
+old lollypop borrowed two jacks from the trackmen and jacked her up
+out of there and carried her home on wheels.'</p>
+<p>"What'd he do with it?" persisted the new man.</p>
+<p>"Say that old lollypop must've been a Yank. Nobody else could
+have figured it out. The ground on his place is hard and he needed
+some more fence. So he calc'lated 'twould be easier and cheaper to
+saw that old well up into post-holes than 'twould be to dig
+'em."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A certain workman, notorious for his sponging proclivities, met
+a friend one morning, and opened the conversation by saying:</p>
+<p>"Can ye len' us a match, John?"</p>
+<p>John having supplied him with the match, the first speaker began
+to feel his pockets ostentatiously, and then remarked dolefully,
+"Man, I seem to have left my tobacco pouch at hame."</p>
+<p>John, however, was equal to the occasion, and holding out his
+hand, remarked:</p>
+<p>"Aweel, ye'll no be needin' that match then."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Highlander was summoned to the bedside of his dying father.
+When he arrived the old man was fast nearing his end. For a while
+he remained unconscious of his son's presence. Then at last the old
+man's eyes opened, and he began to murmur. The son bent eagerly to
+listen.</p>
+<p>"Dugald," whispered the parent, "Luckie Simpson owes me five
+shilling."</p>
+<p>"Ay, man, ay," said the son eagerly.</p>
+<p>"An" Dugal More owes me seven shillins."</p>
+<p>"Ay," assented the son.</p>
+<p>"An' Hamish McCraw owes me ten shillins."</p>
+<p>"Sensible tae the last," muttered the delighted heir. "Sensible
+tae the last."</p>
+<p>Once more the voice from the bed took up the tale.</p>
+<p>"An', Dugald, I owe Calum Beg two pounds."</p>
+<p>Dugald shook his head sadly.</p>
+<p>"Wanderin' again, wanderin' again," he sighed. "It's a
+peety."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The canny Scot wandered into the pharmacy.</p>
+<p>"I'm wanting threepenn'orth o' laudanum," he announced.</p>
+<p>"What for?" asked the chemist suspiciously.</p>
+<p>"For twopence," responded the Scot at once.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Scotsman wishing to know his fate at once, telegraphed a
+proposal of marriage to the lady of his choice. After spending the
+entire day at the telegraph office he was finally rewarded late in
+the evening by an affirmative answer.</p>
+<p>"If I were you," suggested the operator when he delivered the
+message, "I'd think twice before I'd marry a girl that kept me
+waiting all day for my answer."</p>
+<p>"Na, na," retorted the Scot. "The lass who waits for the night
+rates is the lass for me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Well, yes," said Old Uncle Lazzenberry, who was intimately
+acquainted with most of the happenstances of the village, "Almira
+Stang has broken off her engagement with Charles Henry Tootwiler.
+They'd be goin' together for about eight years, durin' which time
+she had been inculcatin' into him, as you might call it, the
+beauties of economy; but when she discovered, just lately, that he
+had learnt his lesson so well that he had saved up two hundred and
+seventeen pairs of socks for her to darn immediately after the
+wedding, she 'peared to conclude that he had taken her advice a
+little too literally, and broke off the
+match."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>They sat each at an extreme end of the horsehair sofa. They had
+been courting now for something like two years, but the wide gap
+between had always been respectfully preserved.</p>
+<p>"A penny for your thochts, Sandy," murmured Maggie, after a
+silence of an hour and a half.</p>
+<p>"Weel," replied Sandy slowly, with surprising boldness, "tae
+tell ye the truth, I was jist thinkin' how fine it wad be if ye
+were tae gie me a wee bit kissie."</p>
+<p>"I've nae objection," simpered Maggie, slithering over, and
+kissed him plumply on the tip of his left ear.</p>
+<p>Sandy relapsed into a brown study once more, and the clock
+ticked twenty-seven minutes.</p>
+<p>"An' what are ye thinkin' about noo&mdash;anither, eh?"</p>
+<p>"Nae, nae, lassie; it's mair serious the noo."</p>
+<p>"Is it, laddie?" asked Maggie softly. Her heart was going
+pit-a-pat with expectation. "An' what micht it be?"</p>
+<p>"I was jist thinkin'," answered Sandy, "that it was aboot time
+ye were paying me that penny!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The coward calls himself cautious, the miser
+thrifty.&mdash;<i>Syrus</i>.</p>
+<p>There are but two ways of paying debt: increase of industry in
+raising income, increase of thrift in laying
+out.&mdash;<i>Carlyle</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Economy; Saving.</p>
+<a name="H643" id="H643"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TIDES</h3>
+<p>A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and
+very fat bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of
+tides, and he did not notice that each succeeding wave came a
+little closer to his feet. At last an extra big wave washed over
+his shoe tops.</p>
+<p>"Hey, there!" he yelled at the fair, fat bather. "Quit yer
+jumpin' up and down! D'ye want to drown me?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At a recent Confederate reunion in Charleston, S.C., two
+Kentuckians were viewing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time.</p>
+<p>"Say, cap'n," said one of them, "what ought I to carry home to
+the children for a souvenir?"</p>
+<p>"Why, colonel, it strikes me that some of this here ocean water
+would be right interestin'."</p>
+<p>"Just the thing!" exclaimed the colonel delightedly. From a rear
+pocket he produced a flask, and, with the aid of the captain, soon
+emptied it. Then, picking his way down to the water's edge, he
+filled it to the neck and replaced the cork.</p>
+<p>"Hi, there! Don't do that!" cried the captain in great alarm.
+"Pour out about a third of that water. If you don't, when the tide
+rises she'll bust sure."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Nae man can tether time or tide.&mdash;<i>Burns</i>.</p>
+<a name="H644" id="H644"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TIME</h3>
+<p>Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having
+more to do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the
+clock and then slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back
+on the lid with a clatter. "Talk about toime and toide waitin' fer
+no man," she muttered as she hurried into the pantry; "there's
+toimes they waits, an' toimes they don't. Yistherday at this
+blessed minit 'twas but tin o'clock an' to-day it's a quarther to
+twilve."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MRS. MURPHY&mdash;"Oi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is
+pretty bad off."</p>
+<p>MRS. CASEY&mdash;"Shure, he's good for a year yit."</p>
+<p>MRS. MURPHY&mdash;"As long as thot?"</p>
+<p>MRS. CASEY&mdash;"Yis; he's had four different doctors, and each
+one av thim give him three months to live."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A long-winded attorney was arguing a technical case before one
+of the judges of the superior court in a western state. He had
+rambled on in such a desultory way that it became very difficult to
+follow his line of thought, and the judge had just yawned very
+suggestively.</p>
+<p>With just a trace of sarcasm in his voice, the tiresome attorney
+ventured to observe: "I sincerely trust that I am not unduly
+trespassing on the time of this court."</p>
+<p>"My friend," returned his honor, "there is a considerable
+difference between trespassing on time and encroaching upon
+eternity."&mdash;<i>Edwin Tarrisse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A traveler, finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin,
+called a cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours.
+At first all went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his
+horse so that they narrowly escaped several collisions.</p>
+<p>"What's the matter?" demanded the passenger. "Why are you
+driving so recklessly? I'm in no hurry."</p>
+<p>"Ah, g'wan wid yez," retorted the cabby. "D'ye think thot I'm
+goin' to put in me whole day drivin' ye around for two hours?
+Gitap!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Frank comes into the house in a sorry plight.</p>
+<p>"Mercy on us!" exclaims his father. "How you look! You are
+soaked."</p>
+<p>"Please, papa, I fell into the canal."</p>
+<p>"What! with your new trousers on?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, papa, I didn't have time to take them off."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A well-known Bishop, while visiting at a bride's new home for
+the first time, was awakened quite early by the soft tones of a
+soprano voice singing "Nearer, My God, to Thee." As the Bishop lay
+in bed he meditated upon the piety which his young hostess must
+possess to enable her to begin her day's work in such a beautiful
+frame of mind.</p>
+<p>At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased
+he was.</p>
+<p>"Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three
+verses for soft and five for hard."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There was a young woman named Sue, Who wanted to catch the 2:02;
+Said the trainman, "Don't hurry Or flurry or worry; It's a minute
+or two to 2:02."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>FATHER&mdash;"Mildred, if you disobey again I will surely spank
+you."</p>
+<p>On father's return home that evening, Mildred once more
+acknowledged that she had again disobeyed.</p>
+<p>FATHER (firmly)&mdash;"You are going to be spanked. You may
+choose your own time. When shall it be?"</p>
+<p>MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)&mdash;"Yesterday."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A northerner passing a rundown looking place in the South,
+stopped to chat with the farmer. He noticed the hogs running wild
+and explained that in the North the farmers fattened their hogs
+much faster by shutting them in and feeding them well.</p>
+<p>"Hell!" replied the southerner, "What's time to a hog."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Dost thou love life? Then waste not time; for time is the stuff
+that life is made of.&mdash;<i>Benjamin Franklin</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Time fleeth on,</p>
+<p class="i2">Youth soon is gone,</p>
+<p class="i4">Naught earthly may abide;</p>
+<p class="i2">Life seemeth fast,</p>
+<p class="i2">But may not last</p>
+<p class="i4">It runs as runs the tide.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Leland</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Scientific management.</p>
+<a name="H645" id="H645"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TIPS</h3>
+<p>American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble
+from the omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect
+any service, however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too
+far, or else attempt to resist it altogether. There is a story told
+of a wealthy and ostentatious American in a Parisian restaurant. As
+the waiter placed the order before him he said in a loud voice:</p>
+<p>"Waiter, what is largest tip you ever received?"</p>
+<p>"One thousand francs, monsieur."</p>
+<p>"<i>Eh bien</i>! But I will give you two thousand," answered the
+upholder of American honor; and then in a moment he added: "May I
+ask who gave you the thousand francs?"</p>
+<p>"It was yourself, monsieur," said the obsequious waiter.</p>
+<p>Of quite an opposite mode of thought was another American
+visiting London for the first time. Goaded to desperation by the
+incessant necessity for tips, he finally entered the washroom of
+his hotel, only to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please
+tip the basin after using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the
+Yankee, turning on his heel, "I'll go dirty first!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Grant Alien relates that he was sitting one day under the shade
+of the Sphinx, turning for some petty point of detail to his
+Baedeker.</p>
+<p>A sheik looked at him sadly, and shook his head. "Murray good,"
+he said in a solemn voice of warning; "Baedeker no good. What for
+you see Baedeker?"</p>
+<p>"No, no; Baedeker is best," answered Mr. Alien. "Why do you
+object to Baedeker?"</p>
+<p>The shick crossed his hands, and looked down at him with the
+pitying eyes of Islam. "Baedeker bad book," he repeated; "Murray
+very, very good. Murray say, 'Give the sheik half a crown';
+Baedeker say, 'Give the sheik a shilling.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What do you consider the most important event in the history of
+Paris?"</p>
+<p>"Well," replied the tourist, who had grown weary of distributing
+tips, "so far as financial prosperity is concerned, I should say
+the discovery of America was the making of this town."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In telling this one, Miss Glaser always states that she does not
+want it understood that she considers the Scotch people at all
+stingy; but they are a very careful and thrifty race.</p>
+<p>An intimate friend of her's was very anxious to have a well
+known Scotchman meet Miss Glaser, and gave her a letter of
+introduction to him. Miss Glaser, wishing to show him all the
+attention possible, invited him to a dinner which she was giving in
+London and after rather an elaborate repast the bill was paid, the
+waiter returning five shillings. She let it lie, intending, of
+course, to give it to the waiter. The Scotchman glanced at the
+money very frequently, and finally he said, his natural thrift
+getting the best of him:</p>
+<p>"Are you going to give all that to the waiter?"</p>
+<p>In a inimitable way, Miss Glaser quietly replied:</p>
+<p>"No, take some."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"A tip is a small sum of money you give to somebody because
+you're afraid he won't like not being paid for something you
+haven't asked him to do."&mdash;<i>The Bailie, Glasgow</i>.</p>
+<a name="H646" id="H646"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY</h3>
+<p>An English lord was traveling through this country with a small
+party of friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to
+supper. The good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering
+she was entertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise
+and elation.</p>
+<p>While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she
+grant her distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please
+him. It was "My Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do
+try that," "Take a piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was
+nearly finished.</p>
+<p>The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore
+unnoticed, during a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying
+to reach the pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and
+turning to his mother said:</p>
+<p>"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the
+pages strict orders that in the morning he was to go and knock at
+the Dean's door, and when the Dean inquired who was knocking he was
+to say: "The boy, my Lord." According to directions he knocked and
+the Dean asked: "Who is there?" Embarrassed by the voice of the
+great man the page answered: "The Lord, my boy."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How did he get his title of colonel?"</p>
+<p>"He got it to distinguish him from his wife's first husband, who
+was a captain, and his wife's second husband, who was a major."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>For titles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on their
+titles.&mdash;<i>Machiavelli</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to
+maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the
+character of an "Honest Man."&mdash;<i>George Washington</i>.</p>
+<a name="H647" id="H647"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TOASTS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman.</p>
+<a name="H648" id="H648"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TOBACCO</h3>
+<p>"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate
+smoker. "How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was
+diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up
+the well caved in."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Smoking.</p>
+<a name="H649" id="H649"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TOURISTS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Liars; Travelers.</p>
+<a name="H650" id="H650"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TRADE UNIONS</h3>
+<p>CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE&mdash;"Is this the place where you are
+happy all the time?"</p>
+<p>ST. PETER (proudly)&mdash;"It is, sir."</p>
+<p>"Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only
+agree to be happy eight hours a day."</p>
+<a name="H651" id="H651"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TRAMPS</h3>
+<p>LADY&mdash;"Can't you find work?"</p>
+<p>TRAMP&mdash;"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last
+employer."</p>
+<p>LADY&mdash;"And can't you get one?"</p>
+<p>TRAMP&mdash;"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight
+years."</p>
+<a name="H652" id="H652"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TRANSMUTATION</h3>
+<p>Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose
+stories and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They
+stopped for a moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman
+in a particularly noticeable sheath-gown passed. Simultaneously,
+Wood turned to Stone; Stone turned to Wood; then both turned to
+rubber.</p>
+<a name="H653" id="H653"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TRAVELERS</h3>
+<p>An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every
+point of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a
+Shinto funeral. Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the
+hotel, asking him to instruct her guide to take her to one. The
+clerk was politeness itself. He bowed gravely and replied: "I am
+very sorry, Madam, but this is not the season for funerals."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A gentleman whose travel-talks are known throughout the world
+tells the following on himself:</p>
+<p>"I was booked for a lecture one night at a little place in
+Scotland four miles from a railway station.</p>
+<p>"The 'chairman' of the occasion, after introducing me as 'the
+mon wha's coom here tae broaden oor intellects,' said that he felt
+a wee bit of prayer would not be out of place.</p>
+<p>"'O Lord,' he continued, 'put it intae the heart of this mon tae
+speak the truth, the hale truth, and naething but the truth, and
+gie us grace tae understan' him.'</p>
+<p>"Then, with a glance at me, the chairman said, 'I've been a
+traveler meself!'"&mdash;<i>Fenimore Marlin</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two young Americans touring Italy for the first time stopped off
+one night at Pisa, where they fell in with a convivial party at a
+cafe. Going hilariously home one pushed the other against a
+building and held him there.</p>
+<p>"Great heavens!" cried the man next the wall, suddenly glancing
+up at the structure above him. "See what we're doing!" Both
+roisterers fled.</p>
+<p>They left town on an early morning train, not thinking it safe
+to stay over and see the famous leaning tower.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. Hiram Jones had just returned from a personally conducted
+tour of Europe.</p>
+<p>"I suppose," commented a friend, "that when you were in England
+you did as the English do and dropped your H's."</p>
+<p>"No," moodily responded the returned traveller; "I didn't. I did
+as the Americans do. I dropped my V's and X's."</p>
+<p>Then he slowly meandered down to the bank to see if he couldn't
+get the mortgage extended.&mdash;<i>W. Hanny</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A number of tourists were recently looking down the crater of
+Vesuvius. An American gentleman said to his companion.</p>
+<p>"That looks a good deal like the infernal regions."</p>
+<p>An English lady, overhearing the remark, said to another:</p>
+<p>"Good gracious! How these Americans do travel."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An American tourist hailing from the west was out sight-seeing
+in London. They took him aboard the old battle-ship <i>Victory</i>,
+which was Lord Nelson's flagship in several of his most famous
+naval triumphs. An English sailor escorted the American over the
+vessel, and coming to a raised brass tablet on the deck he said, as
+he reverently removed his hat:</p>
+<p>"'Ere, sir, is the spot where Lord Nelson fell."</p>
+<p>"Oh, is it?" replied the American, blankly. "Well, that ain't
+nothin'. I nearly tripped on the blame thing myself."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On one of the famous scenic routes of the west there is a
+brakeman who has lost the forefinger of his right hand.</p>
+<p>His present assignment as rear-end brakeman on a passenger train
+places him in the observation car, where he is the target for an
+almost unceasing fusillade of questions from tourists who insist
+upon having the name, and, if possible, the history, of all the
+mountain ca&ntilde;ons and points of interest along the route.</p>
+<p>One especially enthusiastic lady tourist had kept up her
+Gattling fire of questions until she had thoroughly mastered the
+geography of the country. Then she ventured to ask the brakeman how
+he had lost his finger:</p>
+<p>"Cut off in making a coupling between cars, I suppose?"</p>
+<p>"No, madam; I wore that finger off pointing out scenery to
+tourists."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Know most of the rooms of thy native country before thou goest
+over the threshold thereof.&mdash;<i>Fuller</i>.</p>
+<p>When I was at home, I was in a better place; but travelers must
+be content.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+<p>As the Spanish proverb says, "He who would bring home the wealth
+of the Indies must carry the wealth of the Indies with him." So it
+is in traveling: a man must carry knowledge with him, if he would
+bring home knowledge.&mdash;<i>Samuel Johnson</i>.</p>
+<a name="H654" id="H654"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TREASON</h3>
+<p>It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an
+anti-Parnellite, criticising the ways of tenants in treating
+absentee landlords, exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia:
+"Why, it looks very much like treason."</p>
+<p>Instantly came the answer in the Archbishop's best brogue:
+"Sure, treason is reason when there's an absent 't'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Treason doth never prosper: what's the reason?</p>
+<p class="i2">Why if it prosper, none dare call it treason.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H655" id="H655"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TREES</h3>
+<p>CURIOUS CHARLEY&mdash;"Do nuts grow on trees, father?"</p>
+<p>FATHER&mdash;"They do, my son."</p>
+<p>CURIOUS CHARLEY&mdash;"Then what tree does the doughnut grow
+on?"</p>
+<p>FATHER&mdash;"The pantry, my son."</p>
+<a name="H656" id="H656"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TRIGONOMETRY</h3>
+<p>A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked
+around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer,"
+he said, "what's this man charged with?"</p>
+<p>"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three
+wives."</p>
+<p>The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such
+ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not
+bigotry&mdash;that's trigonometry."</p>
+<a name="H657" id="H657"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TROUBLE</h3>
+<p>"What is the trouble, wifey?"</p>
+<p>"Nothing."</p>
+<p>"Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that
+happened at home or something that happened in a novel?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was married men's night at the revival meeting.</p>
+<p>"Let all you husbands who have troubles on your minds stand up!"
+shouted the preacher at the height of his spasm.</p>
+<p>Instantly every man in the church arose except one.</p>
+<p>"Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering out at this lone
+individual, who occupied a chair near the door. "You are one in a
+million."</p>
+<p>"It ain't that," piped back this one helplessly as the rest of
+the congregation gazed suspiciously at him: "I can't get
+up&mdash;I'm paralyzed!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>JUDGE&mdash;"Your innocence is proved. You are acquitted."</p>
+<p>PRISONER (to the jury)&mdash;"Very sorry, indeed, gentlemen, to
+have given you all this trouble for nothing."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A friend of mine, returning to his home in Virginia after
+several years' absence, met one of the old negroes, a former
+servant of his family. "Uncle Moses," he said, "I hear you got
+married."</p>
+<p>"Yes, Marse Tom, I is, and I's having a moughty troublesome
+time, Marse Tom, moughty troublesome."</p>
+<p>"What's the trouble?" said my friend.</p>
+<p>"Why, dat yaller woman, Marse Tom. She all de time axin' me fer
+money. She don't give me no peace."</p>
+<p>"How long have you been married, Uncle Moses?"</p>
+<p>"Nigh on ter two years, come dis spring."</p>
+<p>"And how much money have you given her?"</p>
+<p>"Well, I ain't done gin her none yit."&mdash;<i>Sue M.M.
+Halsey</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear tight
+shoes.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people
+bear three&mdash;all they have had, all they have now, and all they
+expect to have.&mdash;<i>Edward Everett Hale</i>.</p>
+<a name="H658" id="H658"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TRUSTS</h3>
+<p>A trust is known by the companies it keeps.&mdash;<i>Ellis O.
+Jones</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>TOMPKINS&mdash;"Ventley has received a million dollars for his
+patent egg dating machine. You know it is absolutely
+interference-proof, and dates correctly and indelibly as the egg is
+being laid."</p>
+<p>DEWLEY&mdash;"Is the machine on the market yet?"</p>
+<p>TOMKINS&mdash;"Oh, my no! and it won't be on the market. The
+patent was bought by the Cold Storage Trust."</p>
+<a name="H659" id="H659"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TRUTH</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a young lady named Ruth,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who had a great passion for truth.</p>
+<p class="i4">She said she would die</p>
+<p class="i4">Before she would lie,</p>
+<p class="i2">And she died in the prime of her youth.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are
+too tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the
+truth.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Nature ... has buried truth deep in the bottom of the
+sea.&mdash;<i>Democritus</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Tis strange&mdash;but true; for truth is always strange,
+Stranger than fiction."&mdash;<i>Byron</i>.</p>
+<a name="H660" id="H660"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TURKEYS</h3>
+<p>"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to
+a Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm,
+when I was a boy, as the central figure!"</p>
+<p>"Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of
+them."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<a name="H661" id="H661"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TUTORS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A tutor who tooted a flute</p>
+<p class="i2">Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.</p>
+<p class="i4">Said the two to the tutor,</p>
+<p class="i4">"Is it harder to toot, or</p>
+<p class="i2">To tutor two tutors to toot?"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Carolyn Wells</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H662" id="H662"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>TWINS</h3>
+<p>"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?"</p>
+<p>"Aw, 't is aisy&mdash;I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an'
+if he bites I know it's Moike."&mdash;<i>Harvard Lampoon</i>.</p>
+<a name="H663" id="H663"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>UMBRELLAS</h3>
+<p>A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a
+card bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This
+umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight.
+I shall be back in ten minutes." On returning to seek his property
+he found in its place a card thus inscribed: "This card was left
+here by a man who can run twelve miles an hour. I shall not be
+back."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A reputable citizen had left four umbrellas to be repaired. At
+noon he had luncheon in a restaurant, and as he was departing he
+absent-mindedly started to take an umbrella from a hook near his
+hat.</p>
+<p>"That's mine, sir," said a woman at the next table.</p>
+<p>He apologized and went out. When he was going home in a street
+car with his four repaired umbrellas, the woman he had seen in the
+restaurant got in. She glanced from him to his umbrellas and
+said:</p>
+<p>"I see you had a good day."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"That's a swell umbrella you carry."</p>
+<p>"Isn't it?"</p>
+<p>"Did you come by it honestly?"</p>
+<p>"I haven't quite figured out. It started to rain the other day
+and I stepped into a doorway to wait till it stopped. Then I saw a
+young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought
+if he was going as far as my house I would beg the shelter of his
+timbershoot. So I stepped out and asked: 'Where are you going with
+that umbrella, young fellow?' and he dropped the umbrella and
+ran."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One day a man exhibited a handsome umbrella. "It's wonderful how
+I make things last," he exclaimed. "Look at this umbrella, now. I
+bought it eleven years ago. Since then I had it recovered twice. I
+had new ribs put in in 1910, and last month I exchanged it for a
+new one in a restaurant. And here it is&mdash;as good as new."</p>
+<a name="H664" id="H664"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>VALUE</h3>
+<p>"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he
+has no idea of the value of money."</p>
+<p>"You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?"</p>
+<p>"Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to
+have any appreciation of all the things he might buy with it."</p>
+<a name="H665" id="H665"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>VANITY</h3>
+<p>MCGORRY&mdash;"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain
+enough ahlriddy."</p>
+<p>MRS. MCGORRY&mdash;"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf
+half as good lookin' as Oi am."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women
+are vain and men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is
+so. Why, the necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now
+up the back of his collar." There were six men present and each of
+them put his hand gently behind his neck.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A New York woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend,
+bringing with her her eleven-year-old daughter, who gives promise
+of becoming as great a beauty as her mother.</p>
+<p>It chanced that the callers were shown into a room where the
+friend had been receiving a milliner, and there were several
+beautiful hats lying about. During the conversation the little girl
+amused herself by examining the milliner's creations. Of the number
+that she tried on, she seemed particularly pleased with a large
+black affair which set off her light hair charmingly. Turning to
+her mother, the little girl said:</p>
+<p>"I look just like you now, Mother, don't I?"</p>
+<p>"Sh!" cautioned the mother, with uplifted finger. "Don't be
+vain, dear."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>That which makes the vanity of others unbearable to us is that
+which wounds our own.&mdash;<i>La Rochefoucauld</i>.</p>
+<a name="H666" id="H666"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>VERSATILITY</h3>
+<p>A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this
+reply:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"<i>Dear Sir</i>:</p>
+<p>"I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music teacher,
+either lady or gentleman. Having been both for several years I beg
+to apply for the position."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<a name="H667" id="H667"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>VOICE</h3>
+<p>A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to
+order some groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing
+through that stage of adolescence during which a boy seems all
+hands and feet, and his vocal organs, rapidly developing, are wont
+to cause his voice to undergo sudden and involuntary changes from
+high treble to low bass.</p>
+<p>In an authoritative rumbling bass voice he demanded of the busy
+clerk, "Give me a can of corn" (then, his voice suddenly changing
+to a shrill falsetto, he continued) "and a sack of flour."</p>
+<p>"Well, don't be in a hurry. I can't wait on both of you at
+once," snapped the clerk.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>ASPIRING VOCALIST&mdash;"Professor, do you think I will ever be
+able to do anything with my voice?"</p>
+<p>PERSPIRING TEACHER&mdash;"Well it might come in handy in case of
+fire or shipwreck."&mdash;<i>Cornell Widow</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The devil hath not, in all his quiver's choice,</p>
+<p class="i2">An arrow for the heart like a sweet voice.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Byron</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H668" id="H668"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WAGES</h3>
+<p>"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a
+little more line after grinding out on his organ a selection from
+"Santa Lucia." "Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty
+da month if da boss eata me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Commenting on the comparatively small salaries allowed by
+Congress for services rendered in the executive branch of the
+Government and the more liberal pay of some of the officials, a man
+in public life said:</p>
+<p>"It reminds me of the way a gang of laborers used to be paid
+down my way. The money was thrown at a ladder, and what stuck to
+the rungs went to the workers, while that which fell through went
+to the bosses."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of
+lecturing his office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy,
+the office boy, comes in for his full share of the admonition. That
+his words were appreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a
+conversation between Tommy and another office boy on the same floor
+which he recently overheard.</p>
+<p>"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy.</p>
+<p>"Ten thousand a year," replied Tommy.</p>
+<p>"Aw, g'wan!"</p>
+<p>"Sure," insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in cash,
+an' de rest in legal advice."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>While an Irishman was gazing in the window of a Washington
+bookstore the following sign caught his eye:</p>
+<p class="center">DICKENS' WORKS<br />
+ALL THIS WEEK FOR<br />
+ONLY $4.OO</p>
+<p>"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty
+scab!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The difference between wages and salary is&mdash;when you
+receive wages you save two dollars a month, when you receive salary
+you borrow two dollars a month.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>He is well paid that is well
+satisfied.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The ideal social state is not that in which each gets an equal
+amount of wealth, but in which each gets in proportion to his
+contribution to the general stock.&mdash;<i>Henry George</i>.</p>
+<a name="H669" id="H669"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WAITERS</h3>
+<p>Recipe for a waiter:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to
+please,</p>
+<p class="i4">Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips;</p>
+<p class="i2">Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce,</p>
+<p class="i4">Roll in crumbs, melted butter and tips.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H670" id="H670"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WAR</h3>
+<p>"Flag of truce, Excellency."</p>
+<p>"Well, what do the revolutionists want?"</p>
+<p>"They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of
+condensed milk."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half
+full of water, crawl into it, and stay there for a day or two
+without anything to eat, get a lunatic to shoot at you with a brace
+of revolvers and a machine gun, and you will have something just as
+good, and you will save your country a great deal of expense.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Who are those people who are cheering?" asked the recruit as
+the soldiers marched to the train.</p>
+<p>"Those," replied the veteran, "are the people who are not
+going."&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">He who did well in war, just earns the right</p>
+<p class="i2">To begin doing well in peace.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Robert Browning</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle
+[patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or
+some reward.&mdash;<i>George Washington</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Arbitration, International; European War.</p>
+<a name="H671" id="H671"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WARNINGS</h3>
+<p>Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang
+at railroad construction. He had been told to beware of
+rattlesnakes, but assured that they would always give the warning
+rattle before striking.</p>
+<p>One hot day he was eating his noon luncheon on a pine log when
+he saw a big rattler coiled a few feet in front of him. He eyed the
+serpent and began to lift his legs over the log. He had barely got
+them out of the way when the snake's fangs hit the bark beneath
+him.</p>
+<p>"Son of a guna!" yelled Pietro. "Why you no ringa da bell?"</p>
+<a name="H672" id="H672"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WASHINGTON, GEORGE</h3>
+<p>A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something
+about George Washington, and finally she asked:</p>
+<p>"Can any one now tell me which Washington was&mdash;a great
+general or a great admiral?"</p>
+<p>The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and she signaled
+him to speak.</p>
+<p>"He was a great general," said the boy. "I seen a picture of him
+crossing the Delaware, and no great admiral would put out from
+shore standing up in a skiff."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Scotsman visiting America stood gazing at a fine statue of
+George Washington, when an American approached.</p>
+<p>"That was a great and good man, Sandy," said the American; "a
+lie never passed his lips."</p>
+<p>"Weel," said the Scot, "I praysume he talked through his nose
+like the rest of ye."</p>
+<a name="H673" id="H673"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WASPS</h3>
+<p>The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it," in his own
+inimitable way, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to
+hold on.</p>
+<a name="H674" id="H674"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WASTE</h3>
+<p>The automobile rushed down the road&mdash;huge, gigantic,
+sublime. Over the fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her
+husband is at the cafe and she has thirteen little ones. (An
+unlucky number.) Suddenly upon the thirteenth came the auto,
+unseeing, slew him, and hummed on, unknowing. The woman who works
+hard and long rushed forward with hands, hands made rough by toil,
+upraised. She paused and stood inarticulate&mdash;a goddess, a
+giantess. Then she hurled forth these words of derision, of
+despair: "Mon Dieu! And I'd just washed him!"&mdash;<i>Literally
+translated from Le Sport of Paris</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Boston physician tells of the case of a ten-year-old boy, who,
+by reason of an attack of fever, became deaf. The physician could
+afford the lad but little relief, so the boy applied himself to the
+task of learning the deaf-and-dumb alphabet. The other members of
+his family, too, acquired a working knowledge of the alphabet, in
+order that they might converse with the unfortunate youngster.</p>
+<p>During the course of the next few months, however, Tommy's
+hearing suddenly returned to him, assisted no doubt by a slight
+operation performed by the physician.</p>
+<p>Every one was, of course, delighted, particularly the boy's
+mother, who one day exclaimed:</p>
+<p>"Oh, Tommy, isn't it delightful to talk to and hear us
+again?"</p>
+<p>"Yes," assented Tommy, but with a degree of hesitation; "but
+here we've all learned the sign language, and we can't find any
+more use for it!"</p>
+<a name="H675" id="H675"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WEALTH</h3>
+<p>If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if
+you want to get rich you must go about it in some other way.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to have got
+together in the first place.&mdash;<i>Puck</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>He that is proud of riches is a fool. For if he be exalted above
+his neighbors because he hath more gold, how much inferior is he to
+a gold mine!&mdash;<i>Jeremy Taylor</i>.</p>
+<a name="H676" id="H676"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WEATHER</h3>
+<p>"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of
+the returned traveler.</p>
+<p>"You don't have to find the weather in London," replied the
+traveler. "It bumps into you at every corner."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An American and a Scotsman were discussing the cold experienced
+in winter in the North of Scotland.</p>
+<p>"Why, it's nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the
+States," said the American. "I can recollect one winter when a
+sheep, jumping from a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen
+on the way, and stuck in the air like a mass of ice."</p>
+<p>"But, man," exclaimed the Scotsman, "the law of gravity wouldn't
+allow that."</p>
+<p>"I know that," replied the tale-pitcher. "But the law of gravity
+was frozen, too!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two commercial travelers, one from London and one from New York,
+were discussing the weather in their respective countries.</p>
+<p>The Englishman said that English weather had one great
+fault&mdash;its sudden changes.</p>
+<p>"A person may take a walk one day," he said, "attired in a light
+summer suit, and still feel quite warm. Next day he needs an
+overcoat."</p>
+<p>"That's nothing," said the American. "My two friends, Johnson
+and Jones, were once having an argument. There were eight or nine
+inches of snow on the ground. The argument got heated, and Johnson
+picked up a snowball and threw it at Jones from a distance of not
+more than five yards. During the transit of that snowball, believe
+me or not, as you like, the weather changed and became hot and
+summer like, and Jones, instead of being hit with a snowball,
+was&mdash;er&mdash;scalded with hot water!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Ex-President Taft on one of his trips was playing golf on a
+western links when he noticed that he had a particularly good
+caddie, an old man of some sixty years, as they have on the
+Scottish links.</p>
+<p>"And what do you do in winter?" asked the President.</p>
+<p>"Such odd jobs as I can pick up, sir," replied the man.</p>
+<p>"Not much chance for caddying then, I suppose?" asked the
+President.</p>
+<p>"No, sir, there is not," replied the man with a great deal of
+warmth. "When there's no frost there's sure to be snow, and when
+there's no snow there's frost, and when there's neither there's
+sure to be rain. And the few days when it's fine they're always
+Sundays."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On the way to the office of his publishers one crisp fall
+morning, James Whitcomb Riley met an unusually large number of
+acquaintances who commented conventionally upon the fine weather.
+This unremitting applause amused him. When greeted at the office
+with "Nice day, Mr. Riley," he smiled broadly.</p>
+<p>"Yes," he agreed. "Yes, I've heard it very highly spoken
+of."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The darky in question had simmered in the heat of St. Augustine
+all his life, and was decoyed by the report that colored men could
+make as much as $4 a day in Duluth.</p>
+<p>He headed North in a seersucker suit and into a hard winter. At
+Chicago, while waiting for a train, he shivered in an engine room,
+and on the way to Duluth sped by miles of snow fields.</p>
+<p>On arriving he found the mercury at 18 below and promptly lost
+the use of his hands. Then his feet stiffened and he lost all
+sensation.</p>
+<p>They picked him up and took him to a crematory for unknown dead.
+After he had been in the oven for awhile somebody opened the door
+for inspection. Rastus came to and shouted:</p>
+<p>"Shut dat do' and close dat draff!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was a small boy in Quebec,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who was buried in snow to his neck;</p>
+<p class="i4">When they said, "Are you friz?"</p>
+<p class="i4">He replied, "Yes, I is&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">But we don't call this cold in Quebec."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Rudyard Kipling</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow
+is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only
+different kinds of good weather.&mdash;<i>Ruskin</i>.</p>
+<a name="H677" id="H677"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES</h3>
+<p>Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, and
+was walking majestically up and down the street.</p>
+<p>"Aren't you working to-day, Uncle?" asked somebody.</p>
+<p>"No, suh. I'se celebrating' mah golden weddin' suh."</p>
+<p>"You were married fifty years ago to-day, then!"</p>
+<p>"Yes, suh."</p>
+<p>"Well, why isn't your wife helping you to celebrate?"</p>
+<p>"Mah present wife, suh," replied Uncle Ephraim with dignity,
+"ain't got nothin' to do with it."</p>
+<a name="H678" id="H678"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WEDDING PRESENTS</h3>
+<p>Among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural
+section of Virginia, was one that was a gift of an old woman with
+whom both bride and groom were great favorites.</p>
+<p>Some time ago, it appears, the old woman accumulated a supply of
+cardboard mottoes, which she worked and had framed as occasion
+arose.</p>
+<p>So it happened that in a neat combination of blues and reds,
+suspended by a cord of orange, there hung over the table whereon
+the other presents were displayed for the delectation of the
+wedding guests, this motto:</p>
+<p class="center">FIGHT ON; FIGHT EVER.</p>
+<a name="H679" id="H679"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WEDDINGS</h3>
+<p>An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose
+bride had been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the
+wedding invitations: "Be sure and come; this is no amateur
+performance."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A wealthy young woman from the west was recently wedded to a
+member of the nobility of England, and the ceremony occurred in the
+most fashionable of London churches&mdash;St. George's.</p>
+<p>Among the guests was a cousin of the bride, as sturdy an
+American as can be imagined. He gave an interesting summary of the
+wedding when asked by a girl friend whether the marriage was a
+happy one.</p>
+<p>"Happy? I should say it was," said the cousin. "The bride was
+happy, her mother was overjoyed, Lord Stickleigh, the groom, was in
+ecstasies, and his creditors, I understand, were in a state of
+absolute bliss."&mdash;<i>Edwun Tarrisse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a
+gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He
+was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best
+man took it upon himself to cheer him up.</p>
+<p>"Er&mdash;have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of
+introduction.</p>
+<p>"Not lately," replied the gloomy one with a far-away
+expression.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to
+teach the significance of white to a Sunday-school class.</p>
+<p>"Why," said he, "does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in
+white at her marriage?"</p>
+<p>As no one answered, he explained. "White," said he, "stands for
+joy, and the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman's
+life."</p>
+<p>A small boy queried, "Why do the men all wear
+black?"&mdash;<i>M.J. Moor</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Lilly May came to her mistress. "Ah would like a week's
+vacation, Miss Annie," she said, in her soft negro accent; "Ah
+wants to be married."</p>
+<p>Lillie had been a good girl, so her mistress gave her the week's
+vacation, a white dress, a veil and a plum-cake.</p>
+<p>Promptly at the end of the week Lillie returned, radiant. "Oh,
+Miss Annie!" she exclaimed, "Ah was the mos' lovely bride! Ma dress
+was pcrfec', ma veil mos' lovely, the cake mos' good! An' oh, the
+dancin' an' the eatin'!"</p>
+<p>"Well, Lillie, this sounds delightful," said her mistress, "but
+you have left out the point of your story&mdash;I hope you have a
+good husband."</p>
+<p>Lillie's tone changed to indignation: "Now, Miss Annie, what yo'
+think? Tha' darn nigger nebber turn up!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There is living in Illinois a solemn man who is often funny
+without meaning to be. At the time of his wedding, he lived in a
+town some distance from the home of the bride. The wedding was to
+be at her house. On the eventful day the solemn man started for the
+station, but on the way met the village grocer, who talked so
+entertainingly that the bridegroom missed his train.</p>
+<p>Naturally he was in a "state." Something must be done, and done
+quickly. So he sent the following telegram:</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Don't marry till I come.&mdash;HENRY.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>&mdash;<i>Howard, Morse</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In all the wedding cake, hope is the sweetest of the
+plums.&mdash;<i>Douglas Jerrold</i>.</p>
+<a name="H680" id="H680"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WEIGHTS AND MEASURES</h3>
+<p>"Didn't I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day
+until ye had her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward
+a sickly, emaciated cat that was slinking through the store.</p>
+<p>"Ye did thot," replied the assistant, "an" I've just been after
+feedin' her a pound of meat this very minute."</p>
+<p>"Faith, an' I don't believe ye. Bring me the scales."</p>
+<p>The poor cat was lifted into the scales. Thy balancd at exactly
+one pound.</p>
+<p>"There!" exclaimed the assistant triumphantly. "Didn't I tell ye
+she'd had her pound of meat?"</p>
+<p>"That's right," admitted the boss, scratching his head. "That's
+yer pound of meat all right. But"&mdash;suddenly looking
+up&mdash;"where the divvil is the cat?"</p>
+<a name="H681" id="H681"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WELCOMES</h3>
+<p>When Ex-President Taft was on his transcontinental tour,
+American flags and Taft pictures were in evidence everywhere.
+Usually the Taft pictures contained a word of welcome under them.
+Those who heard the President's laugh ring out will not soon forget
+the western city which, directly under the barred window of the
+city lockup, displayed a Taft picture with the legend "Welcome" on
+it.&mdash;<i>Hugh Morist</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Come in the evening, or come in the morning,</p>
+<p class="i2">Come when you're looked for, or come without
+warning,</p>
+<p class="i2">Kisses and welcome you'll find here before you,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the oftener you come here the more I'll adore
+you.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Thomas O. Davis</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H682" id="H682"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WEST, THE</h3>
+<p>EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)&mdash;"The idea of calling
+this the 'Wild-West'! Why, I never saw such politeness
+anywhere."</p>
+<p>COWBOY&mdash;"We're allers perlite to ladies, ma'am."</p>
+<p>EASTERN LADY&mdash;"Oh, as for that, there is plenty of
+politeness everywhere. But I refer to the men. Why, in New York the
+men behave horribly towards one another; but here they treat one
+another as delicately as gentlemen in a drawing-room."</p>
+<p>COWBOY&mdash;"Yes, ma'am; it's safer."&mdash;<i>Abbie C.
+Dixon</i>.</p>
+<a name="H683" id="H683"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WHISKY</h3>
+<p>This is from an Irish priest's sermon, as quoted in Samuel M.
+Hussey's "Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": "'It's whisky
+makes you bate your wives; it's whisky makes your homes desolate;
+it's whisky makes you shoot your landlords, and'&mdash;with
+emphasis, as he thumped the pulpit&mdash;'it's whisky makes you
+miss them.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In a recent trial of a "bootlegger" in western Kentucky a
+witness testified that he had purchased some "squirrel" whisky from
+the defendant.</p>
+<p>"Squirrel whisky?" questioned the court.</p>
+<p>"Yes, you know: the kind that makes you talk nutty and want to
+climb trees."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>General Carter, who went to Texas in command of the regulars
+sent south for maneuvers along the Mexican border, tells this story
+of an old Irish soldier: The march had been a long and tiresome
+one, and as the bivouac was being made for the night, the captain
+noticed that Pat was looking very much fatigued. Thinking that a
+small drop of whisky might do him good, the captain called Pat
+aside and said, "Pat, will you have a wee drink of whisky?" Pat
+made no answer, but folded his arms in a reverential manner and
+gazed upward. The captain repeated the question several times, but
+no answer from Pat, who stood silent and motionless, gazing
+devoutly into the sky. Finally the captain, taking him by the
+shoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said: "Pat, why don't you
+answer? I said, 'Pat, will you have a drink of whisky?'" After
+looking around in considerable astonishment Pat replied: "And is it
+yez, captain? Begorrah and I thought it was an angel spakin' to
+me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See</i> also Drinking.</p>
+<a name="H684" id="H684"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WHISKY BREATH</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Breath.</p>
+<a name="H685" id="H685"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WIDOWS</h3>
+<p>During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel
+parlor one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not,"
+replied the other. "Are you?"</p>
+<p>"No," was the reply, "I, too, am on the single list," adding:
+"Strange that two such estimable women as ourselves should have
+been overlooked in the great matrimonial market! Now that lady,"
+pointing to another who was passing, "has been widowed four times,
+two of her husbands having been cremated. The woman," she
+continued, "is plain and uninteresting, and yet she has them to
+burn."</p>
+<a name="H686" id="H686"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WIND</h3>
+<p>VISITOR&mdash;"What became of that other windmill that was here
+last year?"</p>
+<p>NATIVE&mdash;"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it
+down."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Whichever way the wind doth blow</p>
+<p class="i2">Some heart is glad to have it so;</p>
+<p class="i2">Then blow it east, or blow it west,</p>
+<p class="i2">The wind that blows, that wind is best.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Caroline A. Mason</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H687" id="H687"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WINDFALLS</h3>
+<p>A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped
+in a widow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home
+worth about $30,000 more than when he started.</p>
+<a name="H688" id="H688"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WINE</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">When our thirsty souls we steep,</p>
+<p class="i2">Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep.</p>
+<p class="i2">Talk of monarchs! we are then</p>
+<p class="i2">Richest, happiest, first of men.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">When I drink, my heart refines</p>
+<p class="i2">And rises as the cup declines;</p>
+<p class="i2">Rises in the genial flow,</p>
+<p class="i2">That none but social spirits know.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">To-day we'll haste to quaff our wine,</p>
+<p class="i2">As if to-morrow ne'er should shine;</p>
+<p class="i2">But if to-morrow comes, why then&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">We'll haste to quaff our wine again.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Let me, oh, my budding vine,</p>
+<p class="i2">Spill no other blood than thine.</p>
+<p class="i2">Yonder brimming goblet see,</p>
+<p class="i2">That alone shall vanquish me.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I pray thee, by the gods above,</p>
+<p class="i2">Give me the mighty howl I love,</p>
+<p class="i2">And let me sing, in wild delight.</p>
+<p class="i2">"I will&mdash;I will be mad to-night!"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">When Father Time swings round his scythe,</p>
+<p class="i2">Intomb me 'neath the bounteous vine,</p>
+<p class="i2">So that its juices red and blythe,</p>
+<p class="i2">May cheer these thirsty bones of mine.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Eugene Field</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Drinking.</p>
+<a name="H689" id="H689"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WISHES</h3>
+<p>George Washington drew a long sigh and said: "Ah wish Ah had a
+hundred watermillions."</p>
+<p>Dixie's eyes lighted. "Hum! Dat would suttenly be fine! An' ef
+yo' had a hundred watermillions would yo' gib me fifty?"</p>
+<p>"No, Ah wouldn't."</p>
+<p>"Wouldn't yo' give me twenty-five?"</p>
+<p>"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' no twenty-five."</p>
+<p>Dixie gaxed with reproachful eyes at his close-fisted friend.
+"Seems to me, you's powahful stingy, George Washington," he said,
+and then continued in a heartbroken voice. "Wouldn't yo' gib me
+one?"</p>
+<p>"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' one. Look a' heah, nigger! Are yo' so
+good for nuffen lazy dat yo' cahn't wish fo' yo' own
+watermillions?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Man wants but little here below</p>
+<p class="i4">Nor wants that little long,"</p>
+<p class="i2">'Tis not with me exactly so;</p>
+<p class="i4">But'tis so in the song.</p>
+<p class="i2">My wants are many, and, if told,</p>
+<p class="i4">Would muster many a score;</p>
+<p class="i2">And were each a mint of gold,</p>
+<p class="i4">I still should long for more.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>John Quincy Adams</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H690" id="H690"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WITNESSES</h3>
+<p>"The trouble is," said Wilkins as he talked the matter over with
+his counsel, "that in the excitement of the moment I admitted that
+I had been going too fast, and wasn't paying any attention to the
+road just before the collision. I'm afraid that admission is going
+to prove costly."</p>
+<p>"Don't wory about that," said his lawyer. "I'll bring seven
+witnesses to testify that they wouldn't believe you under
+oath."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>On his eighty-fourth birthday, Paul Smith, the veteran
+Adirondock hotel-keeper, who started life as a guide and died
+owning a million dollars' worth of forest land, was talking about
+boundary disputes with an old friend.</p>
+<p>"Didn't you hear of the lawsuit over a title that I had with
+Jones down in Malone last summer?" asked Paul. The friend had not
+heard.</p>
+<p>"Well," said Paul, "it was this way. I sat in the court room
+before the case opened with my witnesses around me. Jones busted
+in, stopped, looked my witnesses over carefully, and said: 'Paul,
+are those your witnesses?' 'They are,' said I. 'Then you win,' said
+he. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"</p>
+<a name="H691" id="H691"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WIVES</h3>
+<p>"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred
+wives?"</p>
+<p>"I believe so, my son," said the father.</p>
+<p>"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give
+me death?'"&mdash;<i>Town Topics</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman
+who lived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passage
+concerning Solomon's household.</p>
+<p>"Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old
+woman, after reflection.</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated in the Bible."</p>
+<p>"Lor', mum!" was the comment. "What privileges them early
+Christians had!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>CASEY&mdash;"Now, phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot?"</p>
+<p>CLANCY&mdash;"Loike phwat?"</p>
+<p>CASEY&mdash;"Th' walkin' diligate tils me to stroike, an' me
+ould woman orders me to ke-ape on wurrkin'."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, was taken to task because he
+had made a certain appointment, a friend maintaining that another
+man should have received the place. The governor listened quietly
+and then said:</p>
+<p>"Did I ever tell you about Mose Williams? One day Mose sought
+his employer, an acquaintance of mine, and inquired:</p>
+<p>"'Say, boss, is yo' gwine to town t'morrer?'</p>
+<p>"'I think so. Why?'</p>
+<p>"'Well, hit's dishaway. Me an' Easter Johnson's gwine to git
+mahred, an' Ah 'lowed to ax yo' ter git a pair of licenses fo'
+me."</p>
+<p>"I shall be delighted to oblige you, Mose, and I hope you will
+be very happy."</p>
+<p>"The next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old
+man was waiting for him.</p>
+<p>"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.</p>
+<p>"'Yes, here they are.'</p>
+<p>"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful
+sorry yo' got 'em, boss!'</p>
+<p>"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'</p>
+<p>"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to
+mahry Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up
+to Mis' Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'</p>
+<p>"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will
+cost you fifty cents more.'</p>
+<p>"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the
+change made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.</p>
+<p>"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'</p>
+<p>"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty
+cents.'</p>
+<p>"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry
+Easter Johnson after all.'</p>
+<p>"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made
+you change your mind again?'</p>
+<p>"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar
+wasn't fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and
+sew on buttons before they come off.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What are you cutting out of the paper?"</p>
+<p>"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
+through his pockets."</p>
+<p>"What are you going to do with it?"</p>
+<p>"Put it in my pocket."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's
+eight wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair,
+her teeth, and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.</p>
+<p>"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"</p>
+<p>"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.</p>
+<p>"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"</p>
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+<p>"Then you must be as strong as a man!"</p>
+<p>"I am."</p>
+<p>"And you wouldn't let a man beat you&mdash;not even if he was
+your husband&mdash;would you?"</p>
+<p>"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.</p>
+<p>The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their
+heads. Then the oldest said softly:</p>
+<p>"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one
+wife. He is afraid!"&mdash;<i>Western Christian Advocate</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>PAT&mdash;"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."</p>
+<p>MIKE&mdash;"She is thot."</p>
+<p>PAT&mdash;"Is it dangerous she is?"</p>
+<p>MIKE&mdash;"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any
+more!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SON&mdash;"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went
+out."</p>
+<p>MOTHER&mdash;"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes
+back, that's all."</p>
+<p>SON&mdash;"May I stay up till he does?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder
+who wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a
+Mormon."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and
+charged his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half
+was a big, square-jawed woman with a determined eye.</p>
+<p>"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who,
+according to your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the
+judge.</p>
+<p>"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare
+defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of
+overtook me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his
+return one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully
+insulted!"</p>
+<p>"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"</p>
+<p>"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into
+tears.</p>
+<p>"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"</p>
+<p>Flora dried her tears.</p>
+<p>"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter
+came to you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so,
+of course, I&mdash;I opened it."</p>
+<p>"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.</p>
+<p>"It&mdash;it was written to you all the way through. Do you
+understand?"</p>
+<p>"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"</p>
+<p>"It&mdash;it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife,
+bursting into fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P.
+S.&mdash;D-dear Flora, d-don't f-fail to give this l-letter to
+Harry. I w-want him to have it.'" "'Did you git 'em, boss?" he
+inquired eagerly.</p>
+<p>"'Yes, here they are.'</p>
+<p>"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful
+sorry yo' got 'em, boss!'</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to
+mahry Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up
+to Mis' Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'</p>
+<p>"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will
+cost you fifty cents more.'</p>
+<p>"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the
+change made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.</p>
+<p>"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'</p>
+<p>"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty
+cents.'</p>
+<p>"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry
+Easter Johnson after all.'</p>
+<p>"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made
+you change your mind again?'</p>
+<p>"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar
+wasn't fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and
+sew on buttons before they come off.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What are you cutting out of the paper?"</p>
+<p>"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
+through his pockets."</p>
+<p>"What are you going to do with it?"</p>
+<p>"Put it in my pocket."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's
+eight wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair,
+her teeth, and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.</p>
+<p>"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"</p>
+<p>"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.</p>
+<p>"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"</p>
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+<p>"Then you must be as strong as a man!"</p>
+<p>"I am."</p>
+<p>"And you wouldn't let a man beat you&mdash;not even if he was
+your husband&mdash;would you?"</p>
+<p>"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.</p>
+<p>The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their
+heads. Then the oldest said softly:</p>
+<p>"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one
+wife. He is afraid!"&mdash;<i>Western Christian Advocate</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>PAT&mdash;"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."</p>
+<p>MIKE&mdash;"She is thot."</p>
+<p>PAT&mdash;"Is it dangerous she is?"</p>
+<p>MIKE&mdash;"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any
+more!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SON&mdash;"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went
+out."</p>
+<p>MOTHER&mdash;"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes
+back, that's all."</p>
+<p>SON&mdash;"May I stay up till he does?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder
+who wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a
+Mormon."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and
+charged his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half
+was a big, square-jawed woman with a determined eye.</p>
+<p>"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who,
+according to your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the
+judge.</p>
+<p>"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare
+defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of
+overtook me."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his
+return one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully
+insulted!"</p>
+<p>"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"</p>
+<p>"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into
+tears.</p>
+<p>"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"</p>
+<p>Flora dried her tears.</p>
+<p>"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter
+came to you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so,
+of course, I&mdash;I opened it."</p>
+<p>"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.</p>
+<p>"It&mdash;it was written to you all the way through. Do you
+understand?"</p>
+<p>"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"</p>
+<p>"It&mdash;it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife,
+bursting into fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P.
+S.&mdash;D-dear Flora, d-don't f-fail to give this l-letter to
+Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"By jove, I left my purse under the pillow!"</p>
+<p>"Oh, well, your servant is honest, isn't she?"</p>
+<p>"That's just it. She'll take it to my wife."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There swims no goose so gray, but soon or late</p>
+<p class="i2">She finds some honest gander for her mate.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Pope</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A clerk showed forty patterns of ginghams to a man whose wife
+had sent him to buy some for her for Christmas, and at every
+pattern the man said: "My wife said she didn't want anything like
+that."</p>
+<p>The clerk put the last piece back on the shelf. "Sir," he said,
+"you don't want gingham. What you want is a divorce."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they
+are wives.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">In the election of a wife, as in</p>
+<p class="i2">A project of war, to err but once is</p>
+<p class="i2">To be undone forever.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Thomas Middleton</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Of earthly goods, the best is a good wife;</p>
+<p class="i2">A bad, the bitterest curse of human life.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Simonides</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Domestic finance; Suffragettes; Talkers; Temper;
+Woman suffrage.</p>
+<a name="H692" id="H692"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WOMAN</h3>
+<p>Woman&mdash;the only sex which attaches more importance to
+what's on its head than to what's in it.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"How very few statues there are of real women."</p>
+<p>"Yes! it's hard to get them to look right."</p>
+<p>"How so?"</p>
+<p>"A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn't seem true to
+life."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">"Oh, woman! in our hours of ease</p>
+<p class="i4">Uncertain, coy, and hard to please"&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">So wrote Sir Walter long ago.</p>
+<p class="i4">But how, pray, could he really know?</p>
+<p class="i4">If woman fair he strove to please,</p>
+<p class="i2">Where did he get his "hours of ease"?</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>George B. Morewood</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MISS SCRIBBLE-"The heroine of my next story is to be one of
+those modern advanced girls who have ideas of their own and don't
+want to get married."</p>
+<p>THE COLONEL (politely)-"Ah, indeed, I don't think I ever met
+that type."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">You are a dear, sweet girl,</p>
+<p class="i2">God bless you and keep you&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Wish I could afford to do so.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Here's to man&mdash;he can afford anything he can get. Here's to
+woman&mdash;she can afford anything that she can get a man to get
+for her.&mdash;<i>George Ade</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the soldier and his arms,</p>
+<p class="i4">Fall in, men, fall in;</p>
+<p class="i2">Here's to woman and her arms,</p>
+<p class="i4">Fall in, men, fall in!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Most Southerners are gallant. An exception is the Georgian who
+gave his son this advice:</p>
+<p>"My boy, never run after a woman or a street car&mdash;there
+will be another one along in a minute or two."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the maid of bashful fifteen;</p>
+<p class="i2">Here's to the widow of fifty;</p>
+<p class="i2">Here's to the flaunting, extravagant queen;</p>
+<p class="i2">And here's to the housewife that's thrifty.</p>
+<p class="i4">Chorus:</p>
+<p class="i6">Let the toast pass,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i6">Drink to the lass,</p>
+<p class="i2">I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the
+glass.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Sheridan</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the ladies, the good, young ladies;</p>
+<p class="i2">But not too good, for the good die young,</p>
+<p class="i2">And we want no dead ones.</p>
+<p class="i2">And here's to the good old ladies,</p>
+<p class="i2">But not too old, for we want no dyed ones.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When a woman repulses, beware. When a woman beckons,
+bewarer.&mdash;<i>Henriette Corkland</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The young woman had spent a busy day.</p>
+<p>She had browbeaten fourteen salespeople, bullyragged a
+floor-walker, argued victoriously with a milliner, laid down the
+law to a modiste, nipped in the bud a taxi chauffeur's attempt to
+overcharge her, made a street car conductor stop the car in the
+middle of a block for her, discharged her maid and engaged another,
+and otherwise refused to allow herself to be imposed upon.</p>
+<p>Yet she did not smile that evening when a young man begged:</p>
+<p>"Let me be your protector through life!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I
+like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their
+<i>silence.&mdash;Samuel Johnson</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Auld Nature swears, the lovely dears</p>
+<p class="i4">Her noblest work she classes, O:</p>
+<p class="i2">Her 'prentice hand she tried on man,</p>
+<p class="i4">An' then she made the lasses, O.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Burns</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Not from his head was woman took,</p>
+<p class="i2">As made her husband to o'erlook;</p>
+<p class="i2">Not from his feet, as one designed</p>
+<p class="i2">The footstool of the stronger kind;</p>
+<p class="i2">But fashioned for himself, a bride;</p>
+<p class="i2">An equal, taken from his side.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">&mdash;<i>Charles Wesley</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Mice; Mothers; Smoking; Suffragettes; Wives;
+Woman suffrage.</p>
+<a name="H693" id="H693"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WOMAN SUFFRAGE</h3>
+<p>WOMAN VOTER&mdash;"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I
+absolutely refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones
+woman."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked recently how she stood on the vote
+for women question. She replied she didn't "stand at all," and told
+a story about a New England farmer's wife who had no very romantic
+ideas about the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from churn to sink,
+from sink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she
+wanted to vote. "No, I certainly don't! I say if there's one little
+thing that the men folks can do alone, for goodness sakes let 'em
+do it!" she replied.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MR. E.N. QUIRE&mdash;"What are those women mauling that man
+for?"</p>
+<p>MRS. HENBALLOT&mdash;"He insulted us by saying that the suffrage
+movement destroyed our naturally timid sweetness and robbed us of
+all our gentleness."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Did you cast your vote, Aunty?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes! Isn't it grand? A real nice gentleman with a beautiful
+moustache and yellow spats marked my ballot for me. I know I should
+have marked it myself, but it seemed to please him greatly."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Does your wife want to vote?"</p>
+<p>"No. She wants a larger town house, a villa on the sea coast and
+a new limousine car every six months. I'd be pleased most to death
+if she could fix her attention on a smaller matter like the
+vote."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What you want, I suppose, is to vote, just like the men
+do."</p>
+<p>"Certainly not," replied Mrs. Baring-Banners. "If we couldn't do
+any better than that there would be no use of our voting."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"There's only one thing I can think of to head off this suffrage
+movement," said the mere man.</p>
+<p>"What is that?" asked his wife.</p>
+<p>"Make the legal age for voting thirty-five instead of
+twenty-one."&mdash;<i>Catholic Universe</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>MAMIE&mdash;"I believe in woman's rights."</p>
+<p>GERTIE&mdash;"Then you think every woman should have a
+vote?"</p>
+<p>MAMIE&mdash;"No; but I think every woman should have a
+voter."&mdash;<i>The Woman's Journal</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>During the Presidential campaign the question of woman suffrage
+was much discussed among women pro and con, and at an afternoon tea
+the conversation turned that way between the women guests.</p>
+<p>"Are you a woman suffragist?" asked the one who was most
+interested.</p>
+<p>"Indeed, I am not," replied the other most emphatically.</p>
+<p>"Oh, that's too bad, but just supposing you were, whom would you
+support in the present campaign?"</p>
+<p>"The same man I've always supported, of course," was the apt
+reply&mdash;"my husband."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Suffragettes.</p>
+<a name="H6931" id="H6931"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WOMEN'S CLUBS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Clubs.</p>
+<a name="H6932" id="H6932"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WORDS</h3>
+<p><i>See</i> Authors.</p>
+<a name="H6933" id="H6933"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WORK</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">All work and no play</p>
+<p class="i2">Makes Jack surreptitiously gay.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Wot cheer, Alf? Yer lookin' sick; wot is it?"</p>
+<p>"Work! nuffink but work, work, work, from mornin' till
+night!"</p>
+<p>'"Ow long 'ave yer been at it?"</p>
+<p>"Start tomorrow."&mdash;<i>Punch</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Several men were discussing the relative importance and
+difficulty of mental and physical work, and one of them told the
+following experience:</p>
+<p>"Several years ago, a tramp, one of the finest specimens of
+physical manhood that I have ever seen, dropped into my yard and
+asked me for work. The first day I put him to work helping to move
+some heavy rocks, and he easily did as much work as any two other
+men, and yet was as fresh as could be at the end of the day.</p>
+<p>"The next morning, having no further use for him, I told him he
+could go; but he begged so hard to remain that I let him go into
+the cellar and empty some apple barrels, putting the good apples
+into one barrel and throwing away the rotten ones&mdash;about a
+half hour's work.</p>
+<p>"At the end of two hours he was still in the cellar, and I went
+down to see what the trouble was. I found him only half through,
+but almost exhausted, beads of perspiration on his brow.</p>
+<p>"'What's the matter?' I asked. 'Surely that work isn't
+hard.'</p>
+<p>"'No not hard,' he replied. 'But the strain on the judgment is
+<i>awful</i>.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>See also</i> Rest cure.</p>
+<a name="H694" id="H694"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>WORMS</h3>
+<p>A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays
+and the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the
+event she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests.
+Picking up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the
+admiring crowd.</p>
+<p>"Isn't this perfectly gorgeous!" she exclaimed. "Just think, it
+came from a poor little insignificant worm!"</p>
+<p>Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and
+said: "Yes, darn it, an' I'm that worm!"</p>
+<a name="H695" id="H695"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>YALE UNIVERSITY</h3>
+<p>The new cook, who had come into the household during the
+holidays, asked her mistress:</p>
+<p>"Where ban your son? I not seeing him round no more."</p>
+<p>"My son," replied the mistress pridefully. "Oh, he has gone back
+to Yale. He could only get away long enough to stay until New
+Year's day, you see. I miss him dreadfully, tho."</p>
+<p>"Yas, I knowing yoost how you feel. My broder, he ban in yail
+sax times since Tanksgiving."</p>
+<a name="H696" id="H696"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>YONKERS</h3>
+<p>An American took an Englishman to a theater. An actor in the
+farce, about to die, exclaimed: "Please, dear wife, don't bury me
+in Yonkers!"</p>
+<p>The Englishman turned to his friend and said: "I say, old chap,
+what <i>are</i> yonkers?"</p>
+<a name="H697" id="H697"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>"YOU"</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Here's to the world, the merry old world,</p>
+<p class="i2">To its days both bright and blue;</p>
+<p class="i2">Here's to our future, be it what it may,</p>
+<p class="i2">And here's to my best&mdash;that's you!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<a name="H698" id="H698"><!-- H3 anchor --></a>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>ZONES</h3>
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"How many zones has the earth?"</p>
+<p>PUPIL&mdash;"Five."</p>
+<p>TEACHER&mdash;"Correct. Name them."</p>
+<p>PUPIL&mdash;"Temperate zone, intemperate, canal, horrid, and
+o."&mdash;<i>Life</i>.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<div style="height: 6em;"></div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook: Toaster's Handbook
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook: Toaster's Handbook
+by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Toaster's Handbook
+       Jokes, Stories, and Quotations
+
+Author: Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers
+
+Release Date: May 26, 2004 [EBook #12444]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK: TOASTER'S HANDBOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Shell, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note: the Contents and Index were added to this e-book
+by the transcriber]
+
+
+
+
+TOASTER'S HANDBOOK
+
+JOKES, STORIES, AND
+QUOTATIONS
+
+Compiled by
+
+PEGGY EDMUND
+
+and
+
+HAROLD WORKMAN WILLIAMS
+
+Introductions by
+
+MARY KATHARINE REELY
+
+1916
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+  PREFACE
+
+  ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR
+
+  TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS
+
+  TOASTER'S HANDBOOK
+
+  INDEX
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected to
+respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by occasion. All ideas he
+may ever have had on the subject melt away and like a drowning man he
+clutches furiously at the nearest solid object. This book is intended
+for such rescue purpose, buoyant and trustworthy but, it is to be hoped,
+not heavy.
+
+Let the frightened toaster turn first to the key word of his topic in
+this dictionary alphabet of selections and perchance he may find toast,
+story, definition or verse that may felicitously introduce his remarks.
+Then as he proceeds to outline his talk and to put it into sentences, he
+may find under one of the many subject headings a bit which will happily
+and scintillatingly drive home the ideas he is unfolding.
+
+While the larger part of the contents is humorous, there are inserted
+many quotations of a serious nature which may serve as appropriate
+literary ballast.
+
+The jokes and quotes gathered for the toaster have been placed under the
+subject headings where it seemed that they might be most useful, even at
+the risk of the joke turning on the compilers. To extend the usefulness
+of such pseudo-cataloging, cross references, similar and dissimilar to
+those of a library card catalog, have been included.
+
+Should a large number of the inclusions look familiar, let us remark
+that the friends one likes best are those who have been already tried
+and trusted and are the most welcome in times of need. However, there
+are stories of a rising generation, whose acquaintance all may enjoy.
+
+Nearly all these new and old friends have before this made their bow in
+print and since it rarely was certain where they first appeared, little
+attempt has been made to credit any source for them. The compilers
+hereby make a sweeping acknowledgment to the "funny editors" of many
+books and periodicals.
+
+
+
+
+ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR
+
+
+"Man," says Hazlitt, "is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he
+is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what
+things are and what they ought to be." The sources, then, of laughter
+and tears come very close together. At the difference between things as
+they are and as they ought to be we laugh, or we weep; it would depend,
+it seems, on the point of view, or the temperament. And if, as Horace
+Walpole once said, "Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to
+those who feel," it is the thinking half of humanity that, at the sight
+of life's incongruities, is moved to laughter, the feeling half to
+tears. A sense of humor, then, is the possession of the thinking half,
+and the humorists must be classified at once with the thinkers.
+
+If one were asked to go further than this and to give offhand a
+definition of humor, or of that elusive quality, a sense of humor, he
+might find himself confronted with a difficulty. Yet certain things
+about it would be patent at the outset: Women haven't it; Englishmen
+haven't it; it is the chiefest of the virtues, for tho a man speak with
+the tongues of men and of angels, if he have not humor we will have none
+of him. Women may continue to laugh over those innocent and innocuous
+incidents which they find amusing; may continue to write the most
+delightful of stories and essays--consider Jane Austen and our own Miss
+Repplier--over which appreciative readers may continue to chuckle;
+Englishmen may continue, as in the past to produce the most exquisite of
+the world's humorous literature--think of Charles Lamb--yet the
+fundamental faith of mankind will remain unshaken: women have no sense
+of humor, and an Englishman cannot see a joke! And the ability to "see a
+joke" is the infallible American test of the sense of humor.
+
+But taking the matter seriously, how would one define humor? When in
+doubt, consult the dictionary, is, as always, an excellent motto, and,
+following it, we find that our trustworthy friend, Noah Webster, does
+not fail us. Here is his definition of humor, ready to hand: humor is
+"the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating
+ludicrous or absurdly incongruous elements in ideas, situations,
+happenings, or acts," with the added information that it is
+distinguished from wit as "less purely intellectual and having more
+kindly sympathy with human nature, and as often blended with pathos." A
+friendly rival in lexicography defines the same prized human attribute
+more lightly as "a facetious turn of thought," or more specifically in
+literature, as "a sportive exercise of the imagination that is apparent
+in the choice and treatment of an idea or theme." Isn't there something
+about that word "sportive," on the lips of so learned an authority,
+that tickles the fancy--appeals to the sense of humor?
+
+Yet if we peruse the dictionary further, especially if we approach that
+monument to English scholarship, the great Murray, we shall find that
+the problem of defining humor is not so simple as it might seem; for the
+word that we use so glibly, with so sure a confidence in its stability,
+has had a long and varied history and has answered to many aliases. When
+Shakespeare called a man "humorous" he meant that he was changeable and
+capricious, not that he was given to a facetious turn of thought or to a
+"sportive" exercise of the imagination. When he talks in "The Taming of
+the Shrew" of "her mad and head-strong humor" he doesn't mean to imply
+that Kate is a practical joker. It is interesting to note in passing
+that the old meaning of the word still lingers in the verb "to humor." A
+woman still humors her spoiled child and her cantankerous husband when
+she yields to their capriciousness. By going hack a step further in
+history, to the late fourteenth century, we met Chaucer's physician who
+knew "the cause of everye maladye, and where engendered and of what
+humour" and find that Chaucer is not speaking of a mental state at all,
+but is referring to those physiological humours of which, according to
+Hippocrates, the human body contained four: blood, phlegm, bile, and
+black bile, and by which the disposition was determined. We find, too,
+that at one time a "humour" meant any animal or plant fluid, and again
+any kind of moisture. "The skie hangs full of humour, and I think we
+shall haue raine," ran an ancient weather prophet's prediction. Which
+might give rise to some thoughts on the paradoxical subject of _dry_
+humor.
+
+Now in part this development is easily traced. Humor, meaning moisture
+of any kind, came to have a biological significance and was applied only
+to plant and animal life. It was restricted later within purely
+physiological boundaries and was applied only to those "humours" of the
+human body that controlled temperament. From these fluids, determining
+mental states, the word took on a psychological coloring, but--by what
+process of evolution did humor reach its present status! After all, the
+scientific method has its weaknesses!
+
+We can, if we wish, define humor in terms of what it is not. We can draw
+lines around it and distinguish it from its next of kin, wit. This
+indeed has been a favorite pastime with the jugglers of words in all
+ages. And many have been the attempts to define humor, to define wit, to
+describe and differentiate them, to build high fences to keep them
+apart.
+
+"Wit is abrupt, darting, scornful; it tosses its analogies in your face;
+humor is slow and shy, insinuating its fun into your heart," says E. P.
+Whipple. "Wit is intellectual, humor is emotional; wit is perception of
+resemblance, humor of contrast--of contrast between ideal and fact,
+theory and practice, promise and performance," writes another authority.
+While yet another points out that "Humor is feeling--feelings can always
+bear repetition, while wit, being intellectual, suffers by repetition."
+The truth of this is evident when we remember that we repeat a witty
+saying that we may enjoy the effect on others, while we retell a
+humorous story largely for our own enjoyment of it.
+
+Yet it is quite possible that humor ought not to be defined. It may be
+one of those intangible substances, like love and beauty, that are
+indefinable. It is quite probable that humor should not be explained. It
+would be distressing, as some one pointed out, to discover that American
+humor is based on American dyspepsia. Yet the philosophers themselves
+have endeavored to explain it. Hazlitt held that to understand the
+ludicrous, we must first know what the serious is. And to apprehend the
+serious, what better course could be followed than to contemplate the
+serious--yes and ludicrous--findings of the philosophers in their
+attempts to define humor and to explain laughter. Consider Hobbes: "The
+passion of laughter is nothing else but sudden glory arising from the
+sudden conception of eminency in ourselves by comparison with the
+inferiority of others, or with our own formerly." According to Professor
+Bain, "Laughter results from the degradation of some person or interest
+possessing dignity in circumstances that excite no other strong
+emotion." Even Kant, desisting for a time from his contemplation of Pure
+Reason, gave his attention to the human phenomenon of laughter and
+explained it away as "the result of an expectation which of a sudden
+ends in nothing." Some modern cynic has compiled a list of the
+situations on the stage which are always "humorous." One of them, I
+recall, is the situation in which the clown-acrobat, having made mighty
+preparations for jumping over a pile of chairs, suddenly changes his
+mind and walks off without attempting it. The laughter that invariably
+greets this "funny" maneuver would seem to have philosophical sanction.
+Bergson, too, the philosopher of creative evolution, has considered
+laughter to the extent of an entire volume. A reading of it leaves one a
+little disturbed. Laughter, so we learn, is not the merry-hearted,
+jovial companion we had thought him. Laughter is a stern mentor,
+characterized by "an absence of feeling." "Laughter," says M. Bergson,
+"is above all a corrective, it must make a painful impression on the
+person against whom it is directed. By laughter society avenges itself
+for the liberties taken with it. It would fail in its object if it bore
+the stamp of sympathy or kindness." If this be laughter, grant us
+occasionally the saving grace of tears, which may be tears of sympathy,
+and, therefore, kind!
+
+But, after all, since it is true that "one touch of humor makes the
+whole world grin," what difference does it make what that humor is; what
+difference why or wherefore we laugh, since somehow or other, in a sorry
+world, we do laugh?
+
+Of the test for a sense of humor, it has already been said that it is
+the ability to see a joke. And, as for a joke, the dictionary, again a
+present help in time of trouble, tells us at once that it is, "something
+said or done for the purpose of exciting a laugh." But stay! Suppose it
+does not excite the laugh expected? What of the joke that misses fire?
+Shall a joke be judged by its intent or by its consequences? Is a joke
+that does not produce a laugh a joke at all? Pragmatically considered it
+is not. Agnes Repplier, writing on Humor, speaks of "those beloved
+writers whom we hold to be humorists because they have made us laugh."
+We hold them to be so--but there seems to be a suggestion that we may be
+wrong. Is it possible that the laugh is not the test of the joke? Here
+is a question over which the philosophers may wrangle. Is there an
+Absolute in the realm of humor, or must our jokes be judged solely by
+the pragmatic test? Congreve once told Colly Gibber that there were many
+witty speeches in one of Colly's plays, and many that looked witty, yet
+were not really what they seemed at first sight! So a joke is not to be
+recognized even by its appearance or by the company it keeps. Perhaps
+there might be established a test of good usage. A joke would be that at
+which the best people laugh.
+
+Somebody--was it Mark Twain?--once said that there are eleven original
+jokes in the world--that these were known in prehistoric times, and that
+all jokes since have been but modifications and adaptations from the
+originals. Miss Repplier, however, gives to modern times the credit for
+some inventiveness. Christianity, she says, must be thanked for such
+contributions as the missionary and cannibal joke, and for the
+interminable variations of St. Peter at the gate. Max Beerbohm once
+codified all the English comic papers and found that the following list
+comprised all the subjects discussed: Mothers-in-law; Hen-pecked
+husbands; Twins; Old maids; Jews; Frenchmen and Germans; Italians and
+Niggers; Fatness; Thinness; Long hair (in men); Baldness; Sea sickness;
+Stuttering; Bloomers; Bad cheese; Red noses. A like examination of
+American newspapers would perhaps result in a slightly different list.
+We have, of course, our purely local jokes. Boston will always be a joke
+to Chicago, the east to the west. The city girl in the country offers a
+perennial source of amusement, as does the country man in the city. And
+the foreigner we have always with us, to mix his Y's and J's, distort
+his H's, and play havoc with the Anglo-Saxon Th. Indeed our great
+American sense of humor has been explained as an outgrowth from the vast
+field of incongruities offered by a developing civilization.
+
+It may be that this vaunted national sense has been
+over-estimated--exaggeration is a characteristic of that humor,
+anyway--but at least it has one of the Christian virtues--it suffereth
+long and is kind. Miss Repplier says that it is because we are a
+"humorous rather than a witty people that we laugh for the most part
+with, and not at our fellow creatures." This, I think, is something that
+our fellow creatures from other lands do not always comprehend. I
+listened once to a distinguished Frenchman as he addressed the students
+in a western university chapel. He was evidently astounded and
+embarrassed by the outbursts of laughter that greeted his mildly
+humorous remarks. He even stopped to apologize for the deficiencies of
+his English, deeming them the cause, and was further mystified by the
+little ripple of laughter that met his explanation--a ripple that came
+from the hearts of the good-natured students, who meant only to be
+appreciative and kind. Foreigners, too, unacquainted with American slang
+often find themselves precipitating a laugh for which they are
+unprepared. For a bit of current slang, however and whenever used, is
+always humorous.
+
+The American is not only a humorous person, he is a practical person. So
+it is only natural that the American humor should be put to practical
+uses. It was once said that the difference between a man with tact and a
+man without was that the man with tact, in trying to put a bit in a
+horse's mouth, would first tell him a funny story, while the man without
+tact would get an axe. This use of the funny story is the American way
+of adapting it to practical ends. A collection of funny stories used to
+be an important part of a drummer's stock in trade. It is by means of
+the "good story" that the politician makes his way into office; the
+business man paves the way for a big deal; the after-dinner speaker gets
+a hearing; the hostess saves her guests from boredom. Such a large place
+does the "story" hold in our national life that we have invented a
+social pastime that might be termed a "joke match." "Don't tell a funny
+story, even if you know one," was the advice of the Atchison Globe man,
+"its narration will only remind your hearers of a bad one." True as this
+may be, we still persist in telling our funny story. Our hearers are
+reminded of another, good or bad, which again reminds us--and so on.
+
+A sense of humor, as was intimated before, is the chiefest of the
+virtues. It is more than this--it is one of the essentials to success.
+For, as has also been pointed out, we, being a practical people, put our
+humor to practical uses. It is held up as one of the prerequisites for
+entrance to any profession. "A lawyer," says a member of that order,
+must have such and such mental and moral qualities; "but before all
+else"--and this impressively--"he must possess a sense of humor." Samuel
+McChord Crothers says that were he on the examining board for the
+granting of certificates to prospective teachers, he would place a copy
+of Lamb's essay on Schoolmasters in the hands of each, and if the light
+of humorous appreciation failed to dawn as the reading progressed, the
+certificate would be withheld. For, before all else, a teacher must
+possess a sense of humor! If it be true, then, that the sense of humor
+is so important in determining the choice of a profession, how wise are
+those writers who hold it an essential for entrance into that most
+exacting of professions--matrimony! "Incompatibility in humor," George
+Eliot held to be the "most serious cause of diversion." And Stevenson,
+always wise, insists that husband and wife must he able to laugh over
+the same jokes--have between them many a "grouse in the gun-room" story.
+But there must always be exceptions if the spice of life is to be
+preserved, and I recall one couple of my acquaintance, devoted and loyal
+in spite of this very incompatibility. A man with a highly whimsical
+sense of humor had married a woman with none. Yet he told his best
+stories with an eye to their effect on her, and when her response came,
+peaceful and placid and non-comprehending, he would look about the table
+with delight, as much as to say, "Isn't she a wonder? Do you know her
+equal?"
+
+Humor may be the greatest of the virtues, yet it is the one of whose
+possession we may boast with impunity. "Well, that was too much for my
+sense of humor," we say. Or, "You know my sense of humor was always my
+strong point." Imagine thus boasting of one's integrity, or sense of
+honor! And so is its lack the one vice of which one may not permit
+himself to be a trifle proud. "I admit that I have a hot temper," and "I
+know I'm extravagant," are simple enough admissions. But did any one
+ever openly make the confession, "I know I am lacking in a sense of
+humor!" However, to recognize the lack one would first have to possess
+the sense--which is manifestly impossible.
+
+"To explain the nature of laughter and tears is to account for the
+condition of human life," says Hazlitt, and no philosophy has as yet
+succeeded in accounting for the condition of human life. "Man is a
+laughing animal," wrote Meredith, "and at the end of infinite search the
+philosopher finds himself clinging to laughter as the best of human
+fruit, purely human, and sane, and comforting." So whether it be the
+corrective laughter of Bergson, Jove laughing at lovers' vows, Love
+laughing at locksmiths, or the cheerful laughter of the fool that was
+like the crackling of thorns to Koheleth, the preacher, we recognize
+that it is good; that without this saving grace of humor life would be
+an empty vaunt. I like to recall that ancient usage: "The skie hangs
+full of humour, and I think we shall haue raine." Blessed humor, no less
+refreshing today than was the humour of old to a parched and thirsty
+earth.
+
+
+
+
+TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS
+
+
+Before making any specific suggestions to the prospective toaster or
+toastmaster, let us advise that he consider well the nature and spirit
+of the occasion which calls for speeches. The toast, after-dinner talk,
+or address is always given under conditions that require abounding good
+humor, and the desire to make everybody pleased and comfortable as well
+as to furnish entertainment should be uppermost.
+
+Perhaps a consideration of the ancient custom that gave rise to the
+modern toast will help us to understand the spirit in which a toast
+should be given. It originated with the pagan custom of drinking to gods
+and the dead, which in Christian nations was modified, with the
+accompanying idea of a wish for health and happiness added. In England
+during the sixteenth century it was customary to put a "toast" in the
+drink, which was usually served hot. This toast was the ordinary piece
+of bread scorched on both sides. Shakespeare in "The Merry Wives of
+Windsor" has Falstaff say, "Fetch me a quart of sack and put a toast
+in't." Later the term came to be applied to the lady in whose honor the
+company drank, her name serving to flavor the bumper as the toast
+flavored the drink. It was in this way that the act of drinking or of
+proposing a health, or the mere act of expressing good wishes or
+fellowship at table came to be known as toasting.
+
+Since an occasion, then, at which toasts are in order is one intended to
+promote good feeling, it should afford no opportunity for the
+exploitation of any personal or selfish interest or for anything
+controversial, or antagonistic to any of the company present. The effort
+of the toastmaster should be to promote the best of feeling among all
+and especially between speakers. And speakers should cooperate with the
+toastmaster and with each other to that end. The introductions of the
+toastmaster may, of course, contain some good-natured bantering,
+together with compliment, but always without sting. Those taking part
+may "get back" at the toastmaster, but always in a manner to leave no
+hard feeling anywhere. The toastmaster should strive to make his
+speakers feel at ease, to give them good standing with their hearers
+without overpraising them and making it hard to live up to what is
+expected of them. In short, let everybody boost good naturedly for
+everybody else.
+
+The toastmaster, and for that matter everyone taking part, should be
+carefully prepared. It may be safely said that those who are successful
+after-dinner speakers have learned the need of careful forethought. A
+practised speaker may appear to speak extemporaneously by putting
+together on one occasion thoughts and expressions previously prepared
+for other occasions, but the neophyte may well consider it necessary to
+think out carefully the matter of what to say and how to say it. Cicero
+said of Antonius, "All his speeches were, _in appearance_, the
+unpremeditated effusion of an honest heart; and yet, in reality, they
+were _preconceived with so much skill_ that the judges were not so well
+prepared as they should have been to withstand the force of them!"
+
+After considering the nature of the occasion and getting himself in
+harmony with it, the speaker should next consider the relation of his
+particular subject to the occasion and to the subjects of the other
+speakers. He should be careful to hold closely to the subject allotted
+to him so that he will not encroach upon the ground of other speakers.
+He should be careful, too, not to appropriate to himself any of their
+time. And he should consider, without vanity and without humility, his
+own relative importance and govern himself accordingly. We have all had
+the painful experience of waiting in impatience for the speech of the
+evening to begin while some humble citizen made "a few introductory
+remarks."
+
+In planning his speech and in getting it into finished form, the toaster
+will do well to remember those three essentials to all good composition
+with which he struggled in school and college days, Unity, Mass and
+Coherence. The first means that his talk must have a central thought, on
+which all his stories, anecdotes and jokes will have a bearing; the
+second that there will be a proper balance between the parts, that it
+will not be all introduction and conclusion; the third, that it will
+hang together, without awkward transitions. A toast may consist, as
+Lowell said, of "a platitude, a quotation and an anecdote," but the
+toaster must exercise his ingenuity in putting these together.
+
+In delivering the toast, the speaker must of course be natural. The
+after-dinner speech calls for a conversational tone, not for oratory of
+voice or manner. Something of an air of detachment on the part of the
+speaker is advisable. The humorist who can tell a story with a straight
+face adds to the humorous effect.
+
+A word might be said to those who plan the program. In the number of
+speakers it is better to err in having too few than too many. Especially
+is this true if there is one distinguished person who is _the_ speaker
+of the occasion. In such a case the number of lesser lights may well be
+limited to two or three. The placing of the guest of honor on the
+program is a matter of importance. Logically he would be expected to
+come last, as the crowning feature. But if the occasion is a large
+semi-public affair--a political gathering, for example--where strict
+etiquet does not require that all remain thru the entire program, there
+will always be those who will leave early, thus missing the best part of
+the entertainment. In this case some shifting of speakers, even at the
+risk of an anti-climax, would be advisable. On ordinary occasions, where
+the speakers are of much the same rank, order will be determined mainly
+by subject. And if the topics for discussion are directly related, if
+they are all component parts of a general subject, so much the better.
+
+Now we are going to add a special paragraph for the absolutely
+inexperienced person--who has never given, or heard anyone else give, a
+toast. It would seem hardly possible in this day of banquets to find an
+individual who has missed these occasions entirely--but he is to be
+found. Especially is this true in a world where toasting and
+after-dinner speaking are coming to be more and more in demand at social
+functions--the college world. Here the young man or woman, coming from a
+country town where the formal banquet is unknown, who has never heard an
+after-dinner speech, may be confronted with the necessity of responding
+to a toast on, say "Needles and Pins." Such a one would like to be told
+first of all what an after-dinner speech is. It is only a short,
+informal talk, usually witty, at any rate kindly, with one central idea
+and a certain amount of illustrative material in the way of anecdotes,
+quotations and stories. The best advice to such a speaker is: Make your
+first effort simple. Don't be over ambitious. If, as was suggested in
+the example cited a moment ago, the subject is fanciful--as it is very
+apt to be at a college banquet--any interpretation you choose to put
+upon it is allowable. If the interpretation is ingenious, your case is
+already half won. Such a subject is in effect a challenge. "Now, let's
+see what you can make of this," is what it implies. First get an idea;
+then find something in the way of illustrative material. Speak simply
+and naturally and sit down and watch how the others do it. Of course the
+subject on such occasions is often of a more serious nature--Our Class;
+The Team; Our President--in which case a more serious treatment is
+called for, with a touch of honest pride and sentiment.
+
+To sum up what has been said, with borrowings from what others have said
+on the subject, the following general rules have been formulated:
+
+_Prepare carefully_. Self-confidence is a valuable possession, but
+beware of being too sure of yourself. Pride goes before a fall, and
+overconfidence in his ability to improvise has been the downfall of many
+a would-be speaker. The speaker should strive to give the effect of
+spontaneity, but this can be done only with practice. The toast calls
+for the art that conceals art.
+
+_Let your speech have unity_. As some one has pointed out, the
+after-dinner speech is a distinct form of expression, just as is the
+short story. As such it should give a unity of impression. It bears
+something of the same relation to the oration that the short story does
+to the novel.
+
+_Let it have continuity_. James Bryce says: "There is a tendency today
+to make after-dinner speaking a mere string of anecdotes, most of which
+may have little to do with the subject or with one another. Even the
+best stories lose their charm when they are dragged in by the head and
+shoulders, having no connection with the allotted theme. Relevance as
+well as brevity is the soul of wit."
+
+_Do not grow emotional or sentimental_. American traditions are largely
+borrowed from England. We have the Anglo-Saxon reticence. A parade of
+emotion in public embarrasses us. A simple and sincere expression of
+feeling is often desirable in a toast--but don't overdo it.
+
+_Avoid trite sayings_. Don't use quotations that are shopworn, and avoid
+the set forms for toasts--"Our sweethearts and wives--may they never
+meet," etc.
+
+_Don't apologise_. Don't say that you are not prepared; that you speak
+on very short notice; that you are "no orator as Brutus is." Resolve to
+do your best and let your effort speak for itself.
+
+_Avoid irony and satire_. It has already been said that occasions on
+which toasts are given call for friendliness and good humor. Yet the
+temptation to use irony and satire may be strong. Especially may this be
+true at political gatherings where there is a chance to grow witty at
+the expense of rivals. Irony and satire are keen-edged tools; they have
+their uses; but they are dangerous. Pope, who knew how to use them,
+said:
+
+    Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet
+    To run amuck and tilt at all I meet.
+
+_Use personal references sparingly_. A certain amount of good-natured
+chaffing may be indulged in. Yet there may be danger in even the most
+kindly of fun. One never knows how a jest will be taken. Once in the
+early part of his career, Mark Twain, at a New England banquet, grew
+funny at the expense of Longfellow and Emerson, then in their old age
+and looked upon almost as divinities. His joke fell dead, and to the end
+of his life he suffered humiliation at the recollection.
+
+_Be clear_. While you must not draw an obvious moral or explain the
+point to your jokes, be sure that the point is there and that it is put
+in such a way that your hearers cannot miss it. Avoid flights of
+rhetoric and do not lose your anecdotes in a sea of words.
+
+_Avoid didacticism_. Do not try to instruct. Do not give statistics and
+figures. They will not be remembered. A historical resume of your
+subject from the beginning of time is not called for; neither are
+well-known facts about the greatness of your city or state or the
+prominent person in whose honor you may be speaking. Do not tell your
+hearers things they already know.
+
+_Be brief_. An after-dinner audience is in a particularly defenceless
+position. It is so out in the open. There is no opportunity for a quiet
+nod or two behind a newspaper or the hat of the lady in front. If you
+bore your hearers by overstepping your time politeness requires that
+they sit still and look pleased. Spare them. Remember Bacon's advice to
+the speaker: "Let him be sure to leave other men their turns to speak."
+But suppose you come late on the program! Suppose the other speakers
+have not heeded Bacon? What are you going to do about it? Here is a
+story that James Bryce tells of the most successful after-dinner speech
+he remembers to have heard. The speaker was a famous engineer, the
+occasion a dinner of the British Association for the Advancement of
+Science. "He came last; and midnight had arrived. His toast was Applied
+Science, and his speech was as follows: 'Ladies and gentlemen, at this
+late hour I advise you to illustrate the Applications of Science by
+applying a lucifer match to the wick of your bedroom candle. Let us all
+go to bed'."
+
+If you are capable of making a similar sacrifice by cutting short your
+own carefully-prepared, wise, witty and sparkling remarks, your audience
+will thank you--and they may ask you to speak again.
+
+
+
+
+TOASTER'S HANDBOOK
+
+
+
+
+ABILITY
+
+
+"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't."
+
+"Well, what is it?" demanded his pa.
+
+"Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.--_H.E. Zimmerman_.
+
+
+
+
+ABOLITION
+
+
+He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he
+sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and
+began a conversation.
+
+"Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to
+pick their cotton this season?" he inquired.
+
+"Don't believe I have," answered the other.
+
+"Well, they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do the picking,"
+rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn readily. They are thorough
+workers, and obviously they will save their employers a small fortune
+otherwise expended in wages."
+
+"Yes," ejaculated the native, "and about the time this monkey brigade is
+beginning to work smoothly, a lot of you fool northerners will come
+tearing down here and set 'em free."
+
+
+
+
+ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
+
+
+SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living."
+
+HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb."
+
+
+
+
+ACCIDENTS
+
+
+The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge,
+was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted
+with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a
+woman going in the opposite direction. In seeking to avoid each other,
+both slipped and they came down in a heap. The polite doctor was
+overwhelmed and his embarrassment paralyzed his speech, but the woman
+was equal to the occasion.
+
+"Doctor, if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out your legs, I
+will take what remains," she said cheerfully.
+
+
+"Help! Help!" cried an Italian laborer near the mud flats of the Harlem
+river.
+
+"What's the matter there?" came a voice from the construction shanty.
+
+"Queek! Bringa da shov'! Bringa da peek! Giovanni's stuck in da mud."
+
+"How far in?"
+
+"Up to hees knees."
+
+"Oh, let him walk out."
+
+"No, no! He no canna walk! He wronga end up!"
+
+
+  There once was a lady from Guam,
+  Who said, "Now the sea is so calm
+    I will swim, for a lark";
+    But she met with a shark.
+  Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm.
+
+
+BRICKLAYER (to mate, who had just had a hodful of bricks fall on his
+feet)--"Dropt 'em on yer toe! That's nothin'. Why, I seen a bloke get
+killed stone dead, an' 'e never made such a bloomin' fuss as you're
+doin'."
+
+
+A preacher had ordered a load of hay from one of his parishioners. About
+noon, the parishioner's little son came to the house crying lustily. On
+being asked what the matter was, he said that the load of hay had tipped
+over in the street. The preacher, a kindly man, assured the little
+fellow that it was nothing serious, and asked him in to dinner.
+
+"Pa wouldn't like it," said the boy.
+
+But the preacher assured him that he would fix it all right with his
+father, and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay. After
+dinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had stayed.
+
+"Pa won't like it," he persisted.
+
+The preacher, unable to understand, asked the boy what made him think
+his father would object.
+
+"Why, you see, pa's under the hay," explained the boy.
+
+
+  There was an old Miss from Antrim,
+  Who looked for the leak with a glim.
+    Alack and alas!
+    The cause was the gas.
+  We will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn.
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+  There was a young lady named Hannah,
+  Who slipped on a peel of banana.
+    More stars she espied
+    As she lay on her side
+  Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.
+
+  A gentleman sprang to assist her;
+  He picked up her glove and her wrister;
+    "Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried;
+    "Did you think," she replied,
+  "I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"
+
+
+  At first laying down, as a fact fundamental,
+  That nothing with God can be accidental.
+
+  --_Longfellow_.
+
+
+
+
+ACTING
+
+
+Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of
+his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Colonel
+Carter_. On one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town, and
+remembered an old negro and his wife, who had been body servants in his
+father's household, with a couple of seats in the theatre. As it
+happened, he was playing the part of the villain, and was largely
+concerned with treasons, stratagems and spoils. From time to time he
+caught a glimpse of the ancient couple in the gallery, and judged from
+their fearsome countenance and popping eyes that they were being duly
+impressed.
+
+After the play he asked them to come and see him behind the scenes. They
+sat together for a while in solemn silence, and then the mammy
+resolutely nudged her husband. The old man gathered himself together
+with an effort, and said: "Marse Cha'les, mebbe it ain' for us po'
+niggers to teach ouh young masser 'portment. But we jes' got to tell yo'
+dat, in all de time we b'long to de fambly, none o' ouh folks ain' neveh
+befo' mix up in sechlike dealin's, an' we hope, Marse Cha'les, dat yo'
+see de erroh of yo' ways befo' yo' done sho' nuff disgrace us."
+
+
+In a North of England town recently a company of local amateurs produced
+Hamlet, and the following account of the proceedings appeared in the
+local paper next morning:
+
+"Last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gathered to
+witness a performance of _Hamlet_ at the Town Hall. There has been
+considerable discussion in the press as to whether the play was written
+by Shakespeare or Bacon. All doubt can be now set at rest. Let their
+graves be opened; the one who turned over last night is the author."
+
+
+Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this special
+observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+  To wake the soul by tender strokes of art,
+  To raise the genius, and to mend the heart;
+  To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold,
+  Live o'er each scene, and be what they behold--
+  For this the tragic muse first trod the stage.
+
+  --_Pope_.
+
+
+
+
+ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
+
+
+An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small New
+England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand waddled to
+the middle of the street and began to hiss.
+
+One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and angrily
+exclaimed:
+
+"Don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions. Wait till you see the
+show."--_K.A. Bisbee_.
+
+
+When William H. Crane was younger and less discreet he had a vaunting
+ambition to play _Hamlet_. So with his first profits he organized his
+own company and he went to an inland western town to give vent to his
+ambition and "try it on."
+
+When he came back to New York a group of friends noticed that the actor
+appeared to be much downcast.
+
+"What's the matter, Crane? Didn't they appreciate it?" asked one of his
+friends.
+
+"They didn't seem to," laconically answered the actor.
+
+"Well, didn't they give any encouragement? Didn't they ask you to come
+before the curtain?" persisted the friend.
+
+"Ask me?" answered Crane. "Man, they dared me!"
+
+
+LEADING MAN IN TRAVELING COMPANY--"We play _Hamlet_ to-night, laddie, do
+we not?"
+
+SUB-MANAGER--"Yes, Mr. Montgomery."
+
+LEADING MAN--"Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence!"
+
+SUB-MANAGER--"Why?"
+
+LEADING MAN--"I have four days' growth upon my chin. One cannot play
+_Hamlet_ in a beard!"
+
+SUB-MANAGER--"Um--well--we'll put on Macbeth!"
+
+
+HE--"But what reason have you for refusing to marry me?"
+
+SHE--"Papa objects. He says you are an actor."
+
+HE-"Give my regards to the old boy and tell him I'm sorry he isn't a
+newspaper critic."
+
+
+The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the villain,
+had died to slow music.
+
+The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.
+
+He refused to appear.
+
+But the audience still insisted.
+
+Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front.
+
+"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, but he
+says he's dead, an' he's goin to stay dead."
+
+
+Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske, the actress, was having her hair dressed by a
+young woman at her home. The actress was very tired and quiet, but a
+chance remark from the dresser made her open her eyes and sit up.
+
+"I should have went on the stage," said the young woman complacently.
+
+"But," returned Mrs. Fiske, "look at me--think how I have had to work
+and study to gain what success I have, and win such fame as is now
+mine!"
+
+"Oh, yes," replied the young woman calmly; "but then I have talent."
+
+
+Orlando Day, a fourth-rate actor in London, was once called, in a sudden
+emergency, to supply the place of Allen Ainsworth at the Criterion
+Theatre for a single night.
+
+The call filled him with joy. Here was a chance to show the public how
+great a histrionic genius had remained unknown for lack of an
+opportunity. But his joy was suddenly dampened by the dreadful thought
+that, as the play was already in the midst of its run, none of the
+dramatic critics might be there to watch his triumph.
+
+A bright thought struck him. He would announce the event. Rushing to a
+telegraph office, he sent to one of the leading critics the following
+telegram: "Orlando Day presents Allen Ainsworth's part to-night at the
+Criterion."
+
+Then it occurred to him, "Why not tell them all?" So he repeated the
+message to a dozen or more important persons.
+
+At a late hour of the same day, in the Garrick Club, a lounging
+gentleman produced one of the telegrams, and read it to a group of
+friends. A chorus of exclamations followed the reading: "Why, I got
+precisely the same message!" "And so did I." "And I, too." "Who is
+Orlando Day?" "What beastly cheek!" "Did the ass fancy that one would
+pay any attention to his wire?"
+
+J. M. Barrie, the famous author and playwright, who was present, was the
+only one who said nothing.
+
+"Didn't he wire you too?" asked one of the group.
+
+"Oh, yes."
+
+"But of course you didn't answer."
+
+"Oh, but it was only polite to send an answer after he had taken the
+trouble to wire me. So, of course, I answered him."
+
+"You did! What did you say?"
+
+"Oh, I just telegraphed him: 'Thanks for timely warning.'"
+
+
+  Twinkle, twinkle, lovely star!
+  How I wonder if you are
+  When at home the tender age
+  You appear when on the stage.
+
+  --_Mary A. Fairchild_.
+
+
+Recipe for an actor:
+
+  To one slice of ham add assortment of roles.
+    Steep the head in mash notes till it swells,
+  Garnish with onions, tomatoes and beets,
+    Or with eggs--from afar--in the shells.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+Recipe for an ingenue:
+
+  A pound and three-quarters of kitten,
+    Three ounces of flounces and sighs;
+  Add wiggles and giggles and gurgles,
+    And ringlets and dimples and eyes.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+ADAPTATION
+
+
+"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims that a
+hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen eggs,
+seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur.
+
+"He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof of nature's
+adaptation of all animals to their environment, the seventeen eggs
+having been of the cold-storage variety."
+
+
+
+
+ADDRESSES
+
+
+In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother,
+that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, 'Send it up
+C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?"
+
+
+An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic
+Harrison's _George Washington and other American Addresses_. In a little
+while he brought back the book to the librarian and said:
+
+"This book does not give me what I require; I want to find out the
+addresses of several American magnates; I know where George Washington
+has gone to, for he never told a lie."
+
+
+
+
+ADVERTISING
+
+
+Not long ago a patron of a cafe in Chicago summoned his waiter and
+delivered himself as follows:
+
+"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its
+size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size
+of this."
+
+"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.
+
+"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window."
+
+"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. We always
+serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertisement
+for the place."
+
+
+"Advertising costs me a lot of money."
+
+"Why I never saw your goods advertised."
+
+"They aren't. But my wife reads other people's ads."
+
+
+When Mark Twain, in his early days, was editor of a Missouri paper, a
+superstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had found a spider
+in his paper, and asking him whether that was a sign of good luck or
+bad. The humorist wrote him this answer and printed it:
+
+"Old subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good luck
+nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper to
+see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store,
+spin his web across the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever
+afterward."
+
+
+"Good Heavens, man! I saw your obituary in this morning's paper!"
+
+"Yes, I know. I put it in myself. My opera is to be produced to-night,
+and I want good notices from the critics."--_C. Hilton Turvey_.
+
+
+Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day and
+decided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling along he
+heard a piano, and, following the sound, came to a house on which was a
+sign reading:
+
+"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour."
+
+Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of
+Chopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well.
+
+Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came to the
+door and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him in and he
+sat down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can, afterward
+spending an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones thanked him and
+he departed.
+
+Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took the same
+walk.
+
+He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the sign, he
+read:
+
+"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $1.00 an hour. (Pupil of Paderewski.)"
+
+
+Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New York,
+Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be passing Daly's
+Theatre, and paused to look at the pictures of Hitchcock and his company
+that adorned the entrance. Near the pictures was a billboard covered
+with laudatory extracts from newspaper criticisms of the show.
+
+When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned to an
+unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the corner of his
+eye.
+
+"Say, have you seen this show?" he asked.
+
+"Sure," replied the young man.
+
+"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?"
+
+"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why, say, he's the best
+in the business. He's got all these other would-be side-ticklers lashed
+to the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so much at any one in all my
+life."
+
+"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully.
+
+"As good as Foy!" The young man's scorn was superb. "Why, this Hitchcock
+has got that Foy person looking like a gloom. They're not in the same
+class. Hitchcock's funny. A man with feelings can't compare them. I'm
+sorry you asked me, I feel so strongly about it."
+
+Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in the hollow tones of a
+tragedian, he said:
+
+"I am Foy."
+
+"I know you are," said the young man cheerfully. "I'm Hitchcock!"
+
+
+Advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. First of all, as they are
+instruments of ambition. A man that is by no means big enough for the
+Gazette, may easily creep into the advertisements; by which means we
+often see an apothecary in the same paper of news with a
+plenipotentiary, or a running footman with an ambassador.--_Addison_.
+
+
+_See also_ Salesmen and Salesmanship.
+
+
+
+
+ADVICE
+
+
+Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials of
+a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in spending
+money provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the Queen reminding her
+of his approaching birthday and delicately suggesting that money would
+be the most acceptable gift. In her own hand she answered, sternly
+reproving the youth for the sin of extravagance and urging upon him the
+practise of economy. His reply staggered her:
+
+"Dear Grandma," it ran, "thank you for your kind letter of advice. I
+have sold the same for five pounds."
+
+
+Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it.--_Publius Syrus_.
+
+
+
+
+AERONAUTICS
+
+
+  A flea and a fly in a flue,
+  Were imprisoned; now what could they do?
+    Said the fly, "let us flee."
+    "Let us fly," said the flea,
+  And they flew through a flaw in the flue.
+
+
+The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to be
+aeroneous.--_La Touche Hancock_.
+
+
+
+
+AEROPLANES
+
+
+  "Mother, may I go aeroplane?"
+    "Yes, my darling Mary.
+  Tie yourself to an anchor chain
+    And don't go near the airy."
+
+  --_Judge_.
+
+
+Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a dinner
+in New York, and on the occasion his eloquent reply to a toast on
+aviation terminated neatly with these words:
+
+"The aeroplane has come at last, but it was a long time coming. We can
+imagine Necessity, the mother of invention, looking up at a sky all
+criss-crossed with flying machines, and then saying, with a shake of her
+old head and with a contented smile:
+
+"'Of all my family, the aeroplane has been the hardest to raise.'"
+
+
+  A genius who once did aspire
+  To invent an aerial flyer,
+    When asked, "Does it go?"
+    Replied, "I don't know;
+  I'm awaiting some damphule to try 'er."
+
+
+
+
+AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
+
+
+A Frenchman once remarked:
+
+"The table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour."
+
+
+  Every rose has its thorn
+    There's fuzz on all the peaches.
+  There never was a dinner yet
+    Without some lengthy speeches.
+
+
+Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important
+city. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor
+leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, "Shall we let the
+people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your
+speech now?"
+
+
+"Friend," said one immigrant to another, "this is a grand country to
+settle in. They don't hang you here for murder."
+
+"What do they do to you?" the other immigrant asked.
+
+"They kill you," was the reply, "with elocution."
+
+
+When Daniel got into the lions' den and looked around he thought to
+himself, "Whoever's got to do the after-dinner speaking, it won't be
+me."
+
+
+Joseph H. Choate and Chauncey Depew were invited to a dinner. Mr. Choate
+was to speak, and it fell to the lot of Mr. Depew to introduce him,
+which he did thus: "Gentlemen, permit me to introduce Ambassador Choate,
+America's most inveterate after-dinner speaker. All you need to do to
+get a speech out of Mr. Choate is to open his mouth, drop in a dinner
+and up comes your speech."
+
+Mr. Choate thanked the Senator for his compliment, and then said: "Mr.
+Depew says if you open my mouth and drop in a dinner up will come a
+speech, but I warn you that if you open your mouths and drop in one of
+Senator Depew's speeches up will come your dinners."
+
+
+Mr. John C. Hackett recently told the following story:
+
+"I was up in Rockland County last summer, and there was a banquet given
+at a country hotel. All the farmers were there and all the village
+characters. I was asked to make a speech.
+
+"'Now,' said I, with the usual apologetic manner, 'it is not fair to you
+that the toastmaster should ask me to speak. I am notorious as the worst
+public speaker in the State of New York. My reputation extends from one
+end of the state to the other. I have no rival whatever, when it
+comes--' I was interrupted by a lanky, ill-clad individual, who had
+stuck too close to the beer pitcher.
+
+"'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I take 'ception to what this here man says. He
+ain't the worst public speaker in the state. I am. You all know it, an'
+I want it made a matter of record that I took 'ception.'
+
+"'Well, my friend,' said I, 'suppose we leave it to the guests. You sit
+down while I say my piece, and then I'll sit down and let you give a
+demonstration.' The fellow agreed and I went on. I hadn't gone far when
+he got up again.
+
+"''S all right,' said he, 'you win; needn't go no farther!'"
+
+
+Mark Twain and Chauncey M. Depew once went abroad on the same ship. When
+the ship was a few days out they were both invited to a dinner.
+Speech-making time came. Mark Twain had the first chance. He spoke
+twenty minutes and made a great hit. Then it was Mr. Depew's turn.
+
+"Mr. Toastmaster and Ladies and Gentlemen," said the famous raconteur as
+he arose, "Before this dinner Mark Twain and myself made an agreement to
+trade speeches. He has just delivered my speech, and I thank you for the
+pleasant manner in which you received it. I regret to say that I have
+lost the notes of his speech and cannot remember anything he was to
+say."
+
+Then he sat down. There was much laughter. Next day an Englishman who
+had been in the party came across Mark Twain in the smoking-room. "Mr
+Clemens," he said, "I consider you were much imposed upon last night. I
+have always heard that Mr. Depew is a clever man, but, really, that
+speech of his you made last night struck me as being the most infernal
+rot."
+
+
+_See also_ Orators; Politicians; Public Speakers.
+
+
+
+
+AGE
+
+
+The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age.
+
+
+"How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller.
+
+"Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when I'm
+on the cars I'm four."
+
+
+"How effusively sweet that Mrs. Blondey is to you, Jonesy," said
+Witherell. "What's up? Any tender little romance there?"
+
+"No, indeed--why, that woman hates me," said Jonesy.
+
+"She doesn't show it," said Witherell.
+
+"No; but she knows I know how old she is--we were both born on the same
+day," said Jonesy, "and she's afraid I'll tell somebody."
+
+
+As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know how old
+they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongs
+to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old chap named Joshua
+Bolton, who has been with that family and the previous generation for
+more years than they can remember. In view, therefore, of his advanced
+age, it was with surprise that his employer received one day an
+application for a few days off, in order that the old fellow might, as
+he put it, "go up to de ole State of Virginny" to see his aunt.
+
+"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.
+
+"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a
+hundred an' ten years ole."
+
+"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?"
+
+"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up dere
+livin' wif her grandmother."
+
+
+When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating class of a large
+eastern college for women, he began his remarks with the usual
+salutation, "Young ladies of '97." Then in a horrified aside he added,
+"That's an awful age for a girl!"
+
+
+THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)--"When a man reaches your
+age, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things, expect to live very
+much longer, and I--"
+
+THE NONAGENARIAN--"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my legs than I were
+when I started!"
+
+
+A well-meaning Washington florist was the cause of much embarrassment to
+a young man who was in love with a rich and beautiful girl.
+
+It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that the next
+day would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked that he would
+the next morning send her some roses, one rose for each year.
+
+That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery of
+twenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the order,
+and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk:
+
+"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of my best
+customers, so I'll throw in ten more for good measure."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a
+suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary
+question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which
+did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next person.
+
+The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then,
+concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to
+the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's
+thirty-one!"
+
+
+The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and the
+no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, were
+together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was then
+ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty.
+
+The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my many
+years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious.
+I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken little
+exercise."
+
+"It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitchell. "I have
+eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used
+tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal of
+exercise."
+
+With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and said,
+"Well, you will never live to be an old man!"--_Sarah Bache Hodge_.
+
+
+A wise man never puts away childish things.--_Sidney Dark_.
+
+
+  To the old, long life and treasure;
+  To the young, all health and pleasure.
+
+  --_Ben Jonson_.
+
+
+Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a regret.--_Disraeli_.
+
+
+We do not count a man's years, until he has nothing else to
+count.--_Emerson_.
+
+
+To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful
+than to be forty years old.--_O.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+
+
+AGENTS
+
+
+"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?"
+
+"One of the best men in the business."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+AGRICULTURE
+
+
+A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on
+the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his
+money in town and spends it on the farm.
+
+
+In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the cultivators
+of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light rains that during
+the growing season fall from time to time, are appreciated to a degree
+that is unknown in the east.
+
+Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was
+rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his hired man
+came into the house.
+
+"Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the fruit-man.
+
+"I don't mind a little dew like this," said the man. "I can work along
+just the same."
+
+"Oh, I'm not talking about that," exclaimed the fruit-man. "The next
+time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water on the
+land."
+
+
+  They used to have a farming rule
+  Of forty acres and a mule.
+  Results were won by later men
+  With forty square feet and a hen.
+  And nowadays success we see
+  With forty inches and a bee.
+
+  --_Wasp_.
+
+
+Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of it.--_Charles
+Dudley Warner_.
+
+
+When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, are the
+founders of human civilization.--_Daniel Webster_.
+
+
+
+
+ALARM CLOCKS
+
+
+MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. I
+was not aslape at all."
+
+
+
+
+ALERTNESS
+
+
+"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his
+political opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence bridegroom I heard
+of the other day. You know how bridegrooms starting off on their
+honeymoons sometimes forget all about their brides, and buy tickets only
+for themselves? That is what happened to the Providence young man. And
+when his wife said to him, 'Why, Tom, you bought only one ticket,' he
+answered without a moment's hesitation, 'By Jove, you're right, dear!
+I'd forgotten myself entirely!'"
+
+
+
+
+ALIBI
+
+
+A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban
+excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle.
+While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an
+"English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely asked one of the ladies
+how the accident had happened.
+
+"I'm sure I don't know," she replied; "I was asleep when it occurred."
+
+Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth replied:
+
+"Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby."
+
+
+
+
+ALIMONY
+
+
+"What is alimony, ma?"
+
+"It is a man's cash surrender value."--_Town Topics_
+
+
+The proof of the wedding is in the alimony.
+
+
+
+
+ALLOWANCES
+
+
+"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?"
+
+"I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back."
+
+
+
+
+ALTERNATIVES
+
+
+_See_ Choices.
+
+
+
+
+ALTRUISM
+
+
+WILLIE--"Pa!"
+
+PA--"Yes."
+
+WILLIE--"Teacher says we're here to help others."
+
+PA--"Of course we are."
+
+WILLIE--"Well, what are the others here for?"
+
+
+There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a
+trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a rich man's estate.
+Permits to fish the stream could now and then be obtained, and the boy
+was lucky enough to have a permit.
+
+One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper suddenly
+darted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry of
+fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeper
+pursued.
+
+For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and difficult
+chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm and
+said between pants:
+
+"Have you a permit to fish on this estate?
+
+"Yes to be sure," said the boy, quietly.
+
+"You have? Then show it to me."
+
+The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned
+in perplexity and anger.
+
+"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.
+
+"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have none!"
+
+
+
+
+AMBITION
+
+
+Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and
+that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other
+ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade
+themselves by laughter?"
+
+Yes, Herford had an ambition. A whale of an ambition. Some day he hoped
+to gratify it.
+
+The woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in her
+long, sad hands, and glowed into Mr. Herford's eyes. "Oh, Mr. Herford,"
+she said, "Oliver! Tell me about it."
+
+"I want to throw an egg into an electric fan," said Herford, simply.
+
+
+"Hubby," said the observant wife, "the janitor of these flats is a
+bachelor."
+
+"What of it?"
+
+"I really think he is becoming interested in our oldest daughter."
+
+"There you go again with your pipe dreams! Last week it was a duke."
+
+
+The chief end of a man in New York is dissipation; in Boston,
+conversation.
+
+
+When you are aspiring to the highest place, it is honorable to reach the
+second or even the third rank.--_Cicero_.
+
+
+  The man who seeks one thing in life, and but one,
+  May hope to achieve it before life be done;
+  But he who seeks all things, wherever he goes,
+  Only reaps from the hopes which around him he sows
+  A harvest of barren regrets.
+
+  --_Owen Meredith_
+
+
+
+
+AMERICAN GIRL
+
+
+  Here's to the dearest
+    Of all things on earth.
+  (Dearest precisely--
+    And yet of full worth.)
+  One who lays siege to
+    Susceptible hearts.
+  (Pocket-books also--
+    That's one of her arts!)
+  Drink to her, toast her,
+    Your banner unfurl--
+  Here's to the _priceless_
+    American Girl!
+
+  --_Walter Pulitzer_.
+
+
+
+
+AMERICANS
+
+
+Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to
+the subject of lynching in the United States.
+
+It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met
+death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Field and
+asked:
+
+"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs?"
+
+"Yes," replied Field, "hundreds of them."
+
+"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke in half
+a dozen voices at once.
+
+"Well, the night before I sailed for England," said Field, "I was giving
+a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a colored waiter
+spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an adjoining table.
+The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of her party at once
+seized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at a signal from the
+injured lady swung him into the air."
+
+"Horrible!" said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually see
+this yourself?"
+
+"Well, no," admitted Field apologetically. "Just at that moment I
+happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in the
+blanc mange."
+
+
+  You can always tell the English,
+  You can always tell the Dutch,
+  You can always tell the Yankees--
+  But you can't tell them _much!_
+
+
+
+
+AMUSEMENTS
+
+
+A newspaper thus defined amusements:
+
+The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been
+for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the change of
+place in holding it, deaths in families, and other amusements.
+
+
+  I wish that my room had a floor;
+  I don't so much care for a door;
+    But this crawling around
+    Without touching the ground
+  Is getting to be quite a bore.
+
+
+I am a great friend to public amusements; for they keep people from
+vice.--_Samuel Johnson_.
+
+
+
+
+ANATOMY
+
+
+TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm in
+every battle he fit in!"
+
+JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?"
+
+TOMMY--"About forty."
+
+
+They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first
+Napoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old one-armed
+veteran.
+
+"How did you lose your arm?" he asked.
+
+"Sire, at Austerlitz."
+
+"And were you not decorated?"
+
+"No, sire."
+
+"Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier."
+
+"Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm. What would
+your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?"
+
+"Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the Legion."
+
+Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off his
+other arm.
+
+There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only question is,
+how did he do it?
+
+
+
+
+ANCESTRY
+
+
+A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his
+ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At the
+time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks and
+affixed his signature with many a curve and flourish. The salesman's
+patience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer to recognize him,
+he finally observed:
+
+"You have a fine signature, Mr. So-and-So."
+
+"Yes," admitted the buyer, "I should have. One of my forefathers signed
+the Declaration of Independence."
+
+"So?" said the caller, with rising inflection. And then he added:
+
+"Vell, you aind't got nottings on me. One of my forefathers signed the
+Ten Commandments."
+
+
+In a speech in the Senate on Hawaiian affairs, Senator Depew of New York
+told this story:
+
+When Queen Liliuokalani was in England during the English queen's
+jubilee, she was received at Buckingham Palace. In the course of the
+remarks that passed between the two queens, the one from the Sandwich
+Islands said that she had English blood in her veins.
+
+"How so?" inquired Victoria.
+
+"My ancestors ate Captain Cook."
+
+
+Signor Marconi, in an interview in Washington, praised American
+democracy.
+
+"Over here," he said, "you respect a man for what he is himself--not for
+what his family is--and thus you remind me of the gardener in Bologna
+who helped me with my first wireless apparatus.
+
+"As my mother's gardener and I were working on my apparatus together a
+young count joined us one day, and while he watched us work the count
+boasted of his lineage.
+
+"The gardener, after listening a long while, smiled and said:
+
+"'If you come from an ancient family, it's so much the worse for you
+sir; for, as we gardeners say, the older the seed the worse the crop.'"
+
+
+"Gerald," said the young wife, noticing how heartily he was eating, "do
+I cook as well as your mother did?"
+
+Gerald put up his monocle, and stared at her through it.
+
+"Once and for all, Agatha," he said, "I beg you will remember that
+although I may seem to be in reduced circumstances now, I come of an old
+and distinguished family. My mother was not a cook."
+
+
+"My ancestors came over in the 'Mayflower.'"
+
+"That's nothing; my father descended from an aeroplane."--_Life_.
+
+
+When in England, Governor Foss, of Massachusetts, had luncheon with a
+prominent Englishman noted for boasting of his ancestry. Taking a coin
+from his pocket, the Englishman said: "My great-great-grandfather was
+made a lord by the king whose picture you see on this shilling."
+"Indeed!" replied the governor, smiling, as he produced another coin.
+"What a coincidence! My great-great-grandfather was made an angel by the
+Indian whose picture you see on this cent."
+
+
+People will not look forward to posterity, who never look backward to
+their ancestors.--_Burke_.
+
+
+  From yon blue heavens above us bent,
+  The gardener Adam and his wife
+  Smile at the claims of long descent.
+
+  --_Tennyson_.
+
+
+
+
+ANGER
+
+
+Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to
+re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let
+not the sun go down upon your wrath."
+
+"Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down on
+your wrath?"
+
+Charlie squirmed a little. Then:
+
+"Well, how can _I_ stop it?"
+
+
+When a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife's.
+
+
+It is easy enough to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is the
+bigger.
+
+
+
+
+ANNIVERSARIES
+
+
+MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?"
+
+MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two
+presents."
+
+
+
+
+ANTIDOTES
+
+
+"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to
+the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of
+oxalic acid, what would you administer?"
+
+The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry because it
+was obligatory in the course, replied, "I would administer the
+sacrament."
+
+
+
+
+APPEARANCES
+
+
+"How fat and well your little boy looks."
+
+"Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on one
+side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other."
+
+
+
+
+APPLAUSE
+
+
+A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour,
+finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was
+no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough
+hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected spirits. The leading man
+stepped to the foot-lights after the first act and bowed profoundly.
+Still the clapping continued.
+
+When he went behind the scenes he saw an Irish stagehand laughing
+heartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the actor, throwing
+out his chest.
+
+"What d'ye mane?" replied the Irishman.
+
+"Why, the hand-clapping out there," was the reply.
+
+"Hand-clapping?"
+
+"Yes," said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to show
+they appreciate me."
+
+"D'ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi, thot's not
+applause. Thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes."
+
+
+Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak
+ones.--_Colton_.
+
+
+O Popular Applause! what heart of man is proof against thy sweet,
+seducing charms?--_Cowper_.
+
+
+
+
+ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
+
+
+A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim
+details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband:
+
+"This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing he done to stop
+it?"
+
+"I'm afraid not," her husband answered.
+
+"Why don't both sides come together and arbitrate?" she cried.
+
+"They did," said he. "They did, 'way back in June. That's how the
+gol-durned thing started."
+
+
+
+
+ARITHMETIC
+
+
+"He seems to be very clever."
+
+"Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work
+out at school."
+
+
+SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic."
+
+POP--"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure up baseball
+scores and batting averages? Never!"
+
+
+TEACHER--"Now, Johnny, suppose I should borrow $100 from your father and
+should pay him $10 a month for ten months, how much would I then owe
+him?"
+
+JOHNNY--"About $3 interest."
+
+
+"See how I can count, mama," said Kitty. "There's my right foot. That's
+one. There's my left foot. That's two. Two and one make three. Three
+feet make a yard, and I want to go out and play in it!"
+
+
+"Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing smacks had
+an argument one day as to which was the better mathematician," said
+George C. Wiedenmayer the other day. "Finally the captain of their ship
+proposed the following problem which each would try to work out: 'If a
+fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and brought their catch to port
+and sold it at 6 cents a pound, how much would they receive for the
+fish?'
+
+"Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able to
+master the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable to get
+any answer.
+
+"At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat the
+problem. The captain started off: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds
+of cod and--.'
+
+"'Wait a moment,' said Bill, 'is it codfish they caught?'
+
+"'Yep,' said the captain.
+
+"'Darn it all,' said Bill. 'No wonder I couldn't get an answer. Here
+I've been figuring on salmon all the time.'"
+
+
+
+
+ARMIES
+
+
+A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned
+his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a pie
+from the canteen.
+
+As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress
+uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the major
+stopped and said:
+
+"What's that you have there?"
+
+"Pie," said the sentry, good-naturedly. "Apple pie. Have a bite?"
+
+The major frowned.
+
+"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
+
+"No," said the sentry, "unless you're the major's groom."
+
+The major shook his head.
+
+"Guess again," he growled.
+
+"The barber from the village?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Maybe"--here the sentry laughed--"maybe you're the major himself?"
+
+"That's right. I am the major," was the stern reply.
+
+The sentry scrambled to his feet.
+
+"Good gracious!" he exclaimed. "Hold the pie, will you, while I present
+arms!"
+
+
+The battle was going against him. The commander-in-chief, himself ruler
+of the South American republic, sent an aide to the rear, ordering
+General Blanco to bring up his regiment at once. Ten minutes passed; but
+it didn't come. Twenty, thirty, and an hour--still no regiment. The aide
+came tearing back hatless, breathless.
+
+"My regiment! My regiment! Where is it? Where is it?" shrieked the
+commander.
+
+"General," answered the excited aide, "Blanco started it all right, but
+there are a couple of drunken Americans down the road and they won't let
+it go by."
+
+
+An army officer decided to see for himself how his sentries were doing
+their duty. He was somewhat surprised at overhearing the following:
+
+"Halt! Who goes there?"
+
+"Friend--with a bottle."
+
+"Pass, friend. Halt, bottle."
+
+
+"A war is a fearful thing," said Mr. Dolan.
+
+"It is," replied Mr. Rafferty. "When you see the fierceness of members
+of the army toward one another, the fate of a common enemy must be
+horrible."
+
+
+_See also_ Military Discipline.
+
+
+
+
+ARMY RATIONS
+
+
+The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came across a
+private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching on something.
+His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only with the greatest
+effort.
+
+"What are you eating?" demanded the colonel.
+
+"Persimmons, sir."
+
+"Good Heavens! Haven't you got any more sense than to eat persimmons at
+this time of the year? They'll pucker the very stomach out of you."
+
+"I know, sir. That's why I'm eatin' 'em. I'm tryin' to shrink me stomach
+to fit me rations."
+
+
+On the occasion of the annual encampment of a western militia, one of
+the soldiers, a clerk who lived well at home, was experiencing much
+difficulty in disposing of his rations.
+
+A fellow-sufferer nearby was watching with no little amusement the first
+soldier's attempts to Fletcherize a piece of meat. "Any trouble, Tom?"
+asked the second soldier sarcastically.
+
+"None in particular," was the response. Then, after a sullen survey of
+the bit of beef he held in his hand, the amateur fighter observed:
+
+"Bill, I now fully realize what people mean when they speak of the
+sinews of war."--_Howard Morse_.
+
+
+
+
+ART
+
+
+  There was an old sculptor named Phidias,
+  Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.
+    He carved Aphrodite
+    Without any nightie--
+  Which startled the purely fastidious.
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+The friend had dropped in to see D'Auber, the great animal painter, put
+the finishing touches on his latest painting. He was mystified, however,
+when D'Auber took some raw meat and rubbed it vigorously over the
+painted rabbit in the foreground.
+
+"Why on earth did you do that?" he asked.
+
+"Why you see," explained D'Auber, "Mrs Millions is coming to see this
+picture today. When she sees her pet poodle smell that rabbit, and get
+excited over it, she'll buy it on the spot."
+
+
+A young artist once persuaded Whistler to come and view his latest
+effort. The two stood before the canvas for some moments in silence.
+Finally the young man asked timidly, "Don't you think, sir, that this
+painting of mine is--well--er--tolerable?"
+
+Whistler's eyes twinkled dangerously.
+
+"What is your opinion of a tolerable egg?" he asked.
+
+
+The amateur artist was painting sunset, red with blue streaks and green
+dots.
+
+The old rustic, at a respectful distance, was watching.
+
+"Ah," said the artist looking up suddenly, "perhaps to you, too, Nature
+has opened her sky picture page by page! Have you seen the lambent flame
+of dawn leaping across the livid east; the red-stained, sulphurous
+islets floating in the lake of fire in the west; the ragged clouds at
+midnight, black as a raven's wing, blotting out the shuddering moon?"
+
+"No," replied the rustic, "not since I give up drink."
+
+
+Art is indeed not the bread but the wine of life.--_Jean Paul Richter_.
+
+
+Now nature is not at variance with art, nor art with nature; they being
+both the servants of His providence. Art is the perfection of nature.
+Were the world now as it was the sixth day, there were yet a chaos.
+Nature hath made one world, and art another. In brief, all things are
+artificial; for nature is the art of God.--_Sir Thomas Browne_.
+
+
+
+
+ARTISTS
+
+
+ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose."
+
+CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?"
+
+
+"Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made philosopher.
+
+"Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at the dear old factory
+than learning to pronounce the names of the old masters in my
+picture-gallery."
+
+
+CRITIC--"By George, old chap, when I look at one of your paintings I
+stand and wonder--"
+
+ARTIST--"How I do it?"
+
+CRITIC "No; why you do it."
+
+
+He that seeks popularity in art closes the door on his own genius: as he
+must needs paint for other minds, and not for his own.--_Mrs. Jameson_.
+
+
+
+
+ATHLETES
+
+
+The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standing
+on the desk of Mr. Billups.
+
+"That your boy, Billups?" he asked.
+
+"Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton College."
+
+"Looks intellectual rather than athletic," said the caller.
+
+"Oh, he's an athlete all right," said Billups. "When it comes to running
+up accounts, and jumping his board-bill, and lifting his voice, and
+throwing a thirty-two pound bluff, there isn't a gladiator in creation
+that can give my boy Tommie any kind of a handicap. He's just written
+for an extra check."
+
+"And as a proud father you are sending it, I don't doubt," smiled the
+caller.
+
+"Yes," grinned Billups; "I am sending him a rain-check I got at the
+hall-game yesterday. As an athlete, he'll appreciate its
+value."--_J.K.B_.
+
+
+
+
+ATTENTION
+
+
+The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking
+in observation.
+
+To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on the
+board."
+
+Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote sixty-three.
+
+He asked for another number, and seventy-six was given. He wrote
+sixty-seven.
+
+When a third number was asked, a child who apparently had paid no
+attention called out:
+
+"Theventy-theven. Change _that_ you thucker!"
+
+
+
+
+AUTHORS
+
+
+The following is a recipe for an author:
+
+  Take the usual number of fingers,
+  Add paper, manila or white,
+  A typewriter, plenty of postage
+  And something or other to write.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+Oscar Wilde, upon hearing one of Whistler's _bon mots_ exclaimed: "Oh,
+Jimmy; I wish I had said that!" "Never mind, dear Oscar," was the
+rejoinder, "you will!"
+
+
+THE AUTHOR--"Would you advise me to get out a small edition?"
+
+THE PUBLISHER--"Yes, the smaller the better. The more scarce a book is
+at the end of four or five centuries the more money you realize from
+it."
+
+
+AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"Hurray! Five dollars for my latest story, 'The Call
+of the Lure!'"
+
+FAST FRIEND--"Who from?"
+
+AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"The express company. They lost it."
+
+
+A lady who had arranged an authors' reading at her house succeeded in
+persuading her reluctant husband to stay home that evening to assist in
+receiving the guests. He stood the entertainment as long as he
+could--three authors, to be exact--and then made an excuse that he was
+going to open the front door to let in some fresh air. In the hall he
+found one of the servants asleep on a settee.
+
+"Wake up!" he commanded, shaking the fellow roughly. "What does this
+mean, your being asleep out here? You must have been listening at the
+keyhole."
+
+
+An ambitious young man called upon a publisher and stated that he had
+decided to write a book.
+
+"May I venture to inquire as to the nature of the book you propose to
+write?" asked the publisher, very politely.
+
+"Oh," came in an offhand way from the aspirant to literary fame, "I
+think of doing something on the line of 'Les Miserables,' only livelier,
+you know."
+
+
+"So you have had a long siege of nervous prostration?" we say to the
+haggard author. "What caused it? Overwork?"
+
+"In a way, yes," he answers weakly. "I tried to do a novel with a Robert
+W. Chambers hero and a Mary E. Wilkins heroine."--_Life_.
+
+
+Mark Twain at a dinner at the Authors' Club said: "Speaking of fresh
+eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. In my early lecturing days I
+went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon.
+The town seemed very poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the people
+knew anything at all about what was in store for them. So I turned in at
+the general store. 'Good afternoon, friend,' I said to the general
+storekeeper. 'Any entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while
+away his evening?' The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerels,
+straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and said: 'I expect
+there's goin' to be a lecture. I've been sellin' eggs all day."
+
+
+An American friend of Edmond Rostand says that the great dramatist once
+told him of a curious encounter he had had with a local magistrate in a
+town not far from his own.
+
+It appears that Rostand had been asked to register the birth of a
+friend's newly arrived son. The clerk at the registry office was an
+officious little chap, bent on carrying out the letter of the law. The
+following dialogue ensued:
+
+"Your name, sir?"
+
+"Edmond Rostand."
+
+"Vocation?"
+
+"Man of letters, and member of the French Academy."
+
+"Very well, sir. You must sign your name. Can you write? If not, you may
+make a cross."--_Howard Morse_.
+
+
+George W. Cable, the southern writer, was visiting a western city where
+he was invited to inspect the new free library. The librarian conducted
+the famous writer through the building until they finally reached the
+department of books devoted to fiction.
+
+"We have all your books, Mr. Cable," proudly said the librarian. "You
+see there they are--all of them on the shelves there: not one missing."
+
+And Mr. Cable's hearty laugh was not for the reason that the librarian
+thought!
+
+
+Brief History of a Successful Author: From ink-pots to flesh-pots--_R.R.
+Kirk_.
+
+
+"It took me nearly ten years to learn that I couldn't write stories."
+
+"I suppose you gave it up then?"
+
+"No, no. By that time I had a reputation."
+
+
+"I dream my stories," said Hicks, the author.
+
+"How you must dread going to bed!" exclaimed Cynicus.
+
+
+The five-year-old son of James Oppenheim, author of "The Olympian," was
+recently asked what work he was going to do when he became a man. "Oh,"
+Ralph replied, "I'm not going to work at all." "Well, what are you going
+to do, then?" he was asked. "Why," he said seriously, "I'm just going to
+write stories, like daddy."
+
+
+William Dean Howells is the kindliest of critics, but now and then some
+popular novelist's conceit will cause him to bristle up a little.
+
+"You know," said one, fishing for compliments, "I get richer and richer,
+but all the same I think my work is falling off. My new work is not so
+good as my old."
+
+"Oh, nonsense!" said Mr. Howells. "You write just as well as you ever
+did. Your taste is improving, that's all."
+
+
+James Oliver Curwood, a novelist, tells of a recent encounter with the
+law. The value of a short story he was writing depended upon a certain
+legal situation which he found difficult to manage. Going to a lawyer of
+his acquaintance he told him the plot and was shown a way to the desired
+end. "You've saved me just $100," he exclaimed, "for that's what I am
+going to get for this story."
+
+A week later he received a bill from the lawyer as follows: "For
+literary advice, $100." He says he paid.
+
+
+"Tried to skin me, that scribbler did!"
+
+"What did he want?"
+
+"Wanted to get out a book jointly, he to write the book and I to write
+the advertisements. I turned him down. I wasn't going to do all the
+literary work."
+
+
+At a London dinner recently the conversation turned to the various
+methods of working employed by literary geniuses. Among the examples
+cited was that of a well-known poet, who, it is said, was wont to arouse
+his wife about four o'clock in the morning and exclaim, "Maria, get up;
+I've thought of a good word!" Whereupon the poet's obedient helpmate
+would crawl out of bed and make a note of the thought-of word.
+
+About an hour later, like as not, a new inspiration would seize the
+bard, whereupon he would again arouse his wife, saying, "Maria, Maria,
+get up! I've thought of a better word!"
+
+The company in general listened to the story with admiration, but a
+merry-eyed American girl remarked: "Well, if he'd been my husband I
+should have replied, 'Alpheus, get up yourself; I've thought of a bad
+word!'"
+
+
+"There is probably no hell for authors in the next world--they suffer so
+much from critics and publishers in this."--_Bovee_.
+
+
+  A thought upon my forehead,
+     My hand up to my face;
+  I want to be an author,
+     An air of studied grace!
+  I want to be an author,
+    With genius on my brow;
+  I want to be an author,
+    And I want to be it now!
+
+  --_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_.
+
+
+That writer does the most, who gives his reader the most knowledge, and
+takes from him the least time.--_C.C. Colton_.
+
+
+  Habits of close attention, thinking heads,
+  Become more rare as dissipation spreads,
+  Till authors hear at length one general cry
+  Tickle and entertain us, or we die!
+
+  --_Cowper_.
+
+
+The author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a mother
+who talks about her own children.--_Disraeli_.
+
+
+
+
+AUTOMOBILES
+
+
+TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a
+thousand?"
+
+BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car."
+
+
+"How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway.
+
+"Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my income
+generally."
+
+
+"What is the name of your automobile?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"You don't know? What do your folks call it?"
+
+"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom calls it
+'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, 'Our Car'; grandma, 'That
+Peril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak,' and our neighbors, 'The
+Limit.'"--_Life_.
+
+
+"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' and the
+'dead?'" asked the Sunday-school teacher.
+
+Willie waved his hand frantically.
+
+"Well, Willie?"
+
+"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way of
+automobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead.'"
+
+
+"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?"
+
+"Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the blamed
+machine."
+
+
+A little "Brush" chugged painfully up to the gate of a race track.
+
+The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles, called:
+
+"A dollar for the car!"
+
+The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said:
+
+"Sold!"
+
+
+Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread.
+
+
+_See also_ Fords; Profanity.
+
+
+
+
+AUTOMOBILING
+
+
+"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in.
+We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners."
+
+"Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to
+come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire. That's only five miles an
+hour."
+
+"Sure!" said the new constable, "but the speed law round these here
+parts is ten mile an hour, and by Jehosophat I'm goin' to make you
+ottermobile fellers live up to it."
+
+
+Two street pedlers in Bradford, England, bought a horse for $11.25. It
+was killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the car paid them
+$115 for the loss. Thereupon a new industry sprang up on the roads of
+England.
+
+
+"It was very romantic," says the friend. "He proposed to her in the
+automobile."
+
+"Yes?" we murmur, encouragingly.
+
+"And she accepted him in the hospital."
+
+
+"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed," said
+the visitor.
+
+"That goes to show," replied Farmer Corntassel, "how little you
+reformers understand local conditions. I've purty nigh paid off a
+mortgage with the money I made haulm' automobiles out o' that mud-hole."
+
+
+The old lady from the country and her small son were driving to town
+when a huge automobile bore down upon them. The horse was badly
+frightened and began to prance, whereupon the old lady leaped down and
+waved wildly to the chauffeur, screaming at the top of her voice.
+
+The chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse past.
+
+"That's all right," said the boy, who remained composedly in the
+carriage, "I can manage the horse. You just lead Mother past."
+
+
+"What makes you carry that horrible shriek machine for an automobile
+signal?"
+
+"For humane reasons." replied Mr. Chugging. "If I can paralyze a person
+with fear he will keep still and I can run to one side of him."
+
+
+In certain sections of West Virginia there is no liking for
+automobilists, as was evidenced in the case of a Washingtonian who was
+motoring in a sparsely settled region of the State.
+
+This gentleman was haled before a local magistrate upon the complaint of
+a constable. The magistrate, a good-natured man, was not, however,
+absolutely certain that the Washingtonian's car had been driven too
+fast; and the owner stoutly insisted that he had been progressing at the
+rate of only six miles an hour.
+
+"Why, your Honor," he said, "my engine was out of order, and I was going
+very slowly because I was afraid it would break down completely. I give
+you my word, sir, you could have walked as fast as I was running."
+
+"Well," said the magistrate, after due reflection, "you don't appear to
+have been exceeding the speed limit, but at the same time you must have
+been guilty of something, or you wouldn't be here. I fine you ten
+dollars for loitering."--_Fenimore Martin_.
+
+
+
+
+AVIATION
+
+
+The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his
+airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to
+go down again."
+
+"What's wrong?" asked her husband.
+
+"I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my jacket. I
+think I can see it glistening on the ground."
+
+"Keep your seat, my dear," said the aviator, "that's Lake Erie."
+
+
+AVIATOR (to young assistant, who has begun to be frightened)--"Well,
+what do you want now?"
+
+ASSISTANT (whimpering)--"I want the earth."--_Abbie C. Dixon_.
+
+
+When Claude Grahame-White the famous aviator, author of "The Aeroplane
+in War," was in this country not long ago, he was spending a week-end at
+a country home. He tells the following story of an incident that was
+very amusing to him.
+
+"The first night that I arrived, a dinner party was given. Feeling very
+enthusiastic over the recent flights, I began to tell the young woman
+who was my partner at the table of some of the details of the aviation
+sport.
+
+"It was not until the dessert was brought on that I realized that I had
+been doing all the talking; indeed, the young woman seated next me had
+not uttered a single word since I first began talking about aviation.
+Perhaps she was not interested in the subject, I thought, although to an
+enthusiast like me it seemed quite incredible.
+
+"'I am afraid I have been boring you with this shop talk," I said,
+feeling as if I should apologize.
+
+"'Oh, not at all,' she murmured, in very polite tones; 'but would you
+mind telling me, what is aviation?'"--_M.A. Hitchcock_.
+
+
+
+
+AVIATORS
+
+
+  Little drops in water--
+  Little drops on land--
+  Make the aviator,
+  Join the heavenly band.
+
+  --_Satire_.
+
+
+"Are you an experienced aviator?"
+
+"Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all here."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+BABIES
+
+
+_See_ Children.
+
+
+
+
+BACCALAUREATE SERMONS
+
+
+PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an
+honor to the family."
+
+VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to
+try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon."
+
+
+
+
+BACTERIA
+
+
+  There once were some learned M.D.'s,
+  Who captured some germs of disease,
+    And infected a train
+    Which, without causing pain,
+  Allowed one to catch it with ease.
+
+
+Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital.
+
+"Well," said the first, "what's new this morning?"
+
+"I've got a most curious case. Woman, cross-eyed; in fact, so cross-eyed
+that when she cries the tears run down her back."
+
+"What are you doing for her?"
+
+"Just now," was the answer, "we're treating her for bacteria."
+
+
+
+
+BADGES
+
+
+Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance
+society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my room
+and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance badge," she directed her
+maid. "I have forgotten it. You will know it, Addie--blue ribbon and
+gold lettering."
+
+"Yas'm, I knows it right well." Addie could not read, but she knew a
+blue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and therefore had not
+trouble in finding it and fastening it properly on the dress of her
+mistress.
+
+At the meeting Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends to note
+that they smiled when they shook hands with her. When she reached home
+supper was served, so she went directly to the dining-room, where the
+other members of the family were seated.
+
+"Gracious me, Mother!" exclaimed her son: "that blue ribbon--you haven't
+been wearing that at the temperance meeting?"
+
+A loud laugh went up on all sides.
+
+"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at the ribbon
+in surprise.
+
+"Why, Mother dear, didn't you know that was the ribbon I won at the
+show?"
+
+The gold lettering on the ribbon read:
+
+  INTERSTATE POULTRY SHOW
+  First Prize Bantam
+
+
+
+
+BAGGAGE
+
+
+An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, who had
+done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After their first
+greetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow remarked: "Feyther,
+you are not lookin' weel. Is there anything the matter?" The old man
+replied, "Aye, lad, I have had quite an accident." "What was that,
+feyther?" "Mon," he said, "on this journey frae bonnie Scotland I lost
+my luggage." "Dear, dear, that's too bad; 'oo did it happen?" "Aweel"
+replied the Aberdonian, "the cork cam' oot."
+
+
+Johnnie Poe, one of the famous Princeton football family, and
+incidentally a great-nephew of Edgar Allan Poe, was a general in the
+army of Honduras in one of their recent wars. Finally, when things began
+to look black with peace and the American general discovered that his
+princely pay when translated into United States money was about sixty
+cents a day, he struck for the coast. There he found a United States
+warship and asked transportation home.
+
+"Sure," the commander told him. "We'll be glad to have you. Come aboard
+whenever you like and bring your luggage."
+
+"Thanks," said Poe warmly. "I'll sure do that. I only have fifty-four
+pieces."
+
+"What!" exclaimed the commander. "What do you think I'm running? A
+freighter?"
+
+"Oh, well, you needn't get excited about it," purred Poe. "My fifty-four
+pieces consist of one pair of socks and a pack of playing cards."
+
+
+
+
+BALDNESS
+
+
+One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most fashionable way
+of dressing the hair was at work on the job.
+
+Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap,
+watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers would slide
+over the smooth and glossy pate which is Father's.
+
+"No waves for you, Father," remarked the little one. "You're all beach."
+
+
+"Were any of your boyish ambitions ever realized?" asked the
+sentimentalist.
+
+"Yes," replied the practical person. "When my mother used to cut my hair
+I often wished I might be bald-headed."
+
+
+Congressman Longworth is not gifted with much hair, his head being about
+as shiny as a billiard ball.
+
+One day ex-president Taft, then Secretary of War, and Congressman
+Longworth sallied into a barbershop.
+
+"Hair cut?" asked the barber of Longworth.
+
+"Yes," answered the Congressman.
+
+"Oh, no, Nick," commented the Secretary of War from the next chair, "you
+don't want a hair cut; you want a shine."
+
+
+"O, Mother, why are the men in the front baldheaded?"
+
+"They bought their tickets from scalpers, my child."
+
+
+The costumer came forward to attend to the nervous old beau who was
+mopping his bald and shining poll with a big silk handkerchief.
+
+"And what can I do for you?" he asked.
+
+"I want a little help in the way of a suggestion," said the old fellow.
+"I intend going to the French Students' masquerade ball to-night, and I
+want a distinctly original costume--something I may be sure no one else
+will wear. What would you suggest?"
+
+The costumer looked him over attentively, bestowing special notice on
+the gleaming knob.
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," he said then, thoughtfully: "why don't you sugar
+your head and go as a pill?"--_Frank X. Finnegan_.
+
+
+United States Senator Ollie James, of Kentucky, is bald.
+
+"Does being bald bother you much?" a candid friend asked him once.
+
+"Yes, a little," answered the truthful James.
+
+"I suppose you feel the cold severely in winter," went on the friend.
+
+"No; it's not that so much," said the Senator. "The main bother is when
+I'm washing myself--unless I keep my hat on I don't know where my face
+stops."
+
+
+A near-sighted old lady at a dinner-party, one evening, had for her
+companion on the left a very bald-headed old gentleman. While talking to
+the gentleman at her right she dropped her napkin unconsciously. The
+bald-headed gentleman, in stooping to pick it up, touched her arm. The
+old lady turned around, shook her head, and very politely said: "No
+melon, thank you."
+
+
+
+
+BANKS AND BANKING
+
+
+During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money.
+He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using
+cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money.
+
+The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little effect. At
+last the president tried his hand, and after long and minute
+explanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be dawning on the
+farmer's mind. Much encouraged, the president said: "You understand now
+how it is, don't you, Mr.. Schmidt?"
+
+"I t'ink I do," admitted Mr. Schmidt. "It's like dis, aindt it? Ven my
+baby vakes up at night and vants some milk, I gif him a milk ticket."
+
+
+She advanced to the paying teller's window and, handing in a check for
+fifty dollars, stated that it was a birthday present from her husband
+and asked for payment. The teller informed her that she must first
+endorse it.
+
+"I don't know what you mean," she said hesitatingly.
+
+"Why, you see," he explained, "you must write your name on the back, so
+that when we return the check to your husband, he will know we have paid
+you the money."
+
+"Oh, is that all?" she said, relieved.... One minute elapses.
+
+Thus the "endorsement": "Many thanks, dear, I've got the money. Your
+loving wife, Evelyn."
+
+
+FRIEND--"So you're going to make it hot for that fellow who held up the
+bank, shot the cashier, and got away with the ten thousand?"
+
+BANKER--"Yes, indeed. He was entirely too fresh. There's a decent way to
+do that, you know. If he wanted to get the money, why didn't he come
+into the bank and work his way up the way the rest of us did?"--_Puck_.
+
+
+
+
+BAPTISM
+
+
+A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in southern
+Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest but
+fruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wanted
+their souls washed white as snow to stand up. One old darky remained
+sitting.
+
+"Don' yo' want y' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"
+
+"Mah soul done been washed w'ite as snow, pahson."
+
+"Whah wuz yo' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"
+
+"Over yander to the Methodis' chu'ch acrost de railroad."
+
+"Brudder Jones, yo' soul wa'n't washed--hit were dry-cleaned."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+BAPTISTS
+
+
+An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the Methodist
+and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to the reason for
+his church travels he responded:
+
+"Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I couldn't
+keep up wid de answerin' back in dey church. De Methodis', dey always
+holdin' inquiry meetin', and I don't like too much inquirin' into. But
+de Baptis', suh, dey jes' dip and are done wid hit."
+
+
+A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: "Come up en jine de army ob de
+Lohd." "I'se done jined," replied one of the congregation. "Whar'd yoh
+jine?" asked the exhorter. "In de Baptis' Chu'ch." "Why, chile," said
+the exhorter, "yoh ain't in the army; yoh's in de navy."
+
+
+
+
+BARGAINS
+
+
+MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went out
+want?"
+
+SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department."
+
+
+"Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a magnificent and
+endless bargain counter and I looking on without a cent."
+
+
+Newell Dwight Hillis, the now famous New York preacher and author, some
+years ago took charge of the First Presbyterian Church of Evanston,
+Illinois. Shortly after going there he required the services of a
+physician, and on the advice of one of his parishioners called in a
+doctor noted for his ability properly to emphasize a good story, but who
+attended church very rarely. He proved very satisfactory to the young
+preacher, but for some reason could not be induced to render a bill.
+Finally Dr. Hillis, becoming alarmed at the inroads the bill might make
+in his modest stipend, went to the physician and said, "See here,
+Doctor, I must know how much I owe you."
+
+After some urging, the physician replied: "Well, I'll tell you what I'll
+do with you, Hillis. They say you're a pretty good preacher, and you
+seem to think I am a fair doctor, so I'll make this bargain with you.
+I'll do all I can to keep you out of heaven if you do all you can to
+keep me out of hell, and it won't cost either of us a cent. Is it a go?"
+
+
+"My wife and myself are trying to get up a list of club magazines. By
+taking three you get a discount."
+
+"How are you making out?"
+
+"Well, we can get one that I don't want, and one that she doesn't want,
+and one that neither wants for $2.25."
+
+
+
+
+BASEBALL
+
+
+A run in time saves the nine.
+
+
+Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good
+whittler.--_Abe Martin_.
+
+
+"Plague take that girl!"
+
+"My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town."
+
+"That may be. But she obstructs my view of second base."
+
+
+When Miss Cheney, one of the popular teachers in the Swarthmore schools,
+had to deal with a boy who played "hookey," she failed to impress him
+with the evil of his ways.
+
+"Don't you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from school to
+play baseball?" asked Miss Cheney.
+
+"Yessum," replied the lad promptly. "Some of 'em gets to be good players
+and pitch in the big leagues."
+
+
+
+
+BATHS AND BATHING
+
+
+The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in
+connection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The next
+morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready
+to check out.
+
+"Well, did you have a good night's rest?" the clerk asked.
+
+"No, I didn't," replied the Kansan. "The room was all right, and the bed
+was pretty good, but I couldn't sleep very much for I was afraid some
+one would want to take a bath, and the only door to it was through my
+room."
+
+
+RURAL CONSTABLE-"Now then, come out o' that. Bathing's not allowed 'ere
+after 8 a.m."
+
+THE FACE IN THE WATER-"Excuse me, Sergeant, I'm not bathing; I'm only
+drowning."--_Punch_.
+
+
+A woman and her brother lived alone in the Scotch Highlands. She knitted
+gloves and garments to sell in the Lowland towns. Once when she was
+starting out to market her wares, her brother said he would go with her
+and take a dip in the ocean. While the woman was in the town selling
+her work, Sandy was sporting in the waves. When his sister came down to
+join him, however, he met her with a wry face. "Oh, Kirstie," he said,
+"I've lost me weskit." They hunted high and low, but finally as night
+settled down decided that the waves must have carried it out to sea.
+
+The next year, at about the same season, the two again visited the town.
+And while Kirstie sold her wool in the town, Sandy splashed about in the
+brine. When Kirstie joined her brother she found him with a radiant
+face, and he cried out to her, "Oh, Kirstie, I've found me weskit. 'Twas
+under me shirt."
+
+
+In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took an
+Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two privates
+were deputed to strip and wash him.
+
+The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressed
+him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes and
+large cakes of white soap.
+
+After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. He
+saluted his officer and said disconsolately:
+
+"It's no use, sir. It's no use."
+
+"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you washed that
+Afghan yet?"
+
+"It's no use, sir," the private repeated. "We've washed him for two
+hours, but it's no use."
+
+"How do you mean it's no use?" said the officer angrily.
+
+"Why, sir," said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin' him till
+our arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another suit of
+clothes."
+
+
+
+
+BAZARS
+
+
+Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was going
+along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, pointing his
+pistol, began to relieve his victim of his money.
+
+The thief, however, apparently suffered some pangs of remorse. "It's
+pretty rough to be gone through like this, ain't it, sir?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, that's all right, my man," the "held-up" one answered cheerfully.
+"I was on my way to a bazar. You're first, and there's an end of it."
+
+
+
+
+BEARDS
+
+
+  There was an old man with a beard,
+  Who said, "It is just as I feared!--
+    Two owls and a hen,
+    Four larks and a wren,
+  Have all built their nests in my beard."
+
+
+
+
+BEAUTY
+
+
+  If eyes were made for seeing,
+  Then beauty is its own excuse for being.
+
+  --Emerson.
+
+
+  A thing of beauty is a joy forever;
+  Its loveliness increases; it will never
+  Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
+  A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
+  Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.
+
+
+
+
+BEAUTY, PERSONAL
+
+
+  In good looks I am not a star.
+  There are others more lovely by far.
+    But my face--I don't mind it,
+    Because I'm behind it--
+  It's the people in front that I jar.
+
+
+"Shine yer boots, sir?"
+
+"No," snapped the man.
+
+"Shine 'em so's yer can see yer face in 'em?" urged the bootblack.
+
+"No, I tell you!"
+
+"Coward," hissed the bootblack.
+
+
+A farmer returning home late at night, found a man standing beside the
+house with a lighted lantern in his hand. "What are you doing here?" he
+asked, savagely, suspecting he had caught a criminal. For answer came a
+chuckle, and--"It's only mee, zur."
+
+The farmer recognized John, his shepherd.
+
+"It's you, John, is it? What on earth are you doing here this time o'
+night?"
+
+Another chuckle. "I'm a-coortin' Ann, zur."
+
+"And so you've come courting with a lantern, you fool. Why I never took
+a lantern when I courted your mistress."
+
+"No, zur, you didn't, zur," John chuckled. "We can all zee you didn't,
+zur."
+
+
+The senator and the major were walking up the avenue. The senator was
+more than middle-aged and considerably more than fat, and, dearly as the
+major loved him, he also loved his joke.
+
+The senator turned with a pleased expression on his benign countenance
+and said, "Major, did you see that pretty girl smile at me?"
+
+"Oh, that's nothing," replied his friend. "The first time I saw you I
+laughed out loud!"--_Harper's Magazine_.
+
+
+Pat, thinking to enliven the party, stated, with watch in hand: "I'll
+presint a box of candy to the loidy that makes the homeliest face within
+the next three minutes."
+
+The time expired, Pat announced: "Ah, Mrs. McGuire, you get the prize."
+
+"But," protested Mrs. McGuire, "go way wid ye! I wasn't playin' at all."
+
+
+ARTHUR--"They say dear, that people who live together get to look
+alike."
+
+KATE--"Then you must consider my refusal as final."
+
+
+In the negro car of a railway train in one of the gulf states a bridal
+couple were riding--a very light, rather good looking colored girl and a
+typical full blooded negro of possibly a reverted type, with receding
+forehead, protruding eyes, broad, flat nose very thick lips and almost
+no chin. He was positively and aggressively ugly.
+
+They had been married just before boarding the train and, like a good
+many of their white brothers and sisters, were very much interested in
+each other, regardless of the amusement of their neighbors. After
+various "billings and cooings" the man sank down in the seat and,
+resting his head on the lady's shoulder, looked soulfully up into her
+eyes.
+
+She looked fondly down upon him and after a few minutes murmured gently,
+"Laws, honey, ain't yo' shamed to be so han'some?"
+
+
+  Little dabs of powder,
+    Little specks of paint,
+  Make my lady's freckles
+    Look as if they ain't.
+
+  --_Mary A. Fairchild_.
+
+
+  He kissed her on the cheek,
+    It seemed a harmless frolic;
+  He's been laid up a week
+    They say, with painter's colic.
+
+  --_The Christian Register_.
+
+
+MOTHER (to inquisitive child)--"Stand aside. Don't you see the gentleman
+wants to take the lady's picture?"
+
+"Why does he want to?"--_Life_.
+
+
+One day, while walking with a friend in San Francisco, a professor and
+his companion became involved in an argument as to which was the
+handsomer man of the two. Not being able to arrive at a settlement of
+the question, they agreed, in a spirit of fun, to leave it to the
+decision of a Chinaman who was seen approaching them. The matter being
+laid before him, the Oriental considered long and carefully; then he
+announced in a tone of finality, "Both are worse."
+
+
+"What a homely woman!"
+
+"Sir, that is my wife. I'll have you understand it is a woman's
+privilege to be homely."
+
+"Gee, then she abused the privilege."
+
+
+Beauty is worse than wine; it intoxicates both the holder and the
+beholder.--_Zimmermann_.
+
+
+
+
+BEDS
+
+
+A western politician tells the following story as illustrating the
+inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the
+country.
+
+Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota, where he was
+to make a speech the following day, he found that the so-called hotel
+was crowded to the doors. Not having telegraphed for accommodations, the
+politician discovered that he would have to make shift as best he could.
+Accordingly, he was obliged for that night to sleep on a wire cot which
+had only some blankets and a sheet on it. As the politician is an
+extremely fat man, he found his improvised bed anything but comfortable.
+
+"How did you sleep?" asked a friend in the morning.
+
+"Fairly well," answered the fat man, "but I looked like a waffle when I
+got up."
+
+
+
+
+BEER
+
+
+  A man to whom illness was chronic,
+  When told that he needed a tonic,
+    Said, "O Doctor dear,
+    Won't you please make it beer?"
+  "No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic."
+
+
+
+
+BEES
+
+
+TEACHER--"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee'?"
+
+TOMMY--"No; I only know he doth it!"
+
+
+
+
+BEETLES
+
+
+  Now doth the frisky June Bug
+    Bring forth his aeroplane,
+  And try to make a record,
+    And busticate his brain!
+
+  He bings against the mirror,
+    He bangs against the door,
+  He caroms on the ceiling,
+    And turtles on the floor!
+
+  He soars aloft, erratic,
+    He lands upon my neck,
+  And makes me creep and shiver,
+    A neurasthenic wreck!
+
+  --_Charles Irvin Junkin_.
+
+
+
+
+BEGGING
+
+
+THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)--"Poor man! And are you
+married?"
+
+BEGGAR--"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on total strangers
+for support if I had a wife?"
+
+
+MAN--"Is there any reason why I should give you five cents?"
+
+BOY--"Well, if I had a nice high hat like yours I wouldn't want it
+soaked with snowballs."
+
+
+MILLIONAIRE (to ragged beggar)--"You ask alms and do not even take your
+hat off. Is that the proper way to beg?"
+
+BEGGAR--"Pardon me, sir. A policeman is looking at us from across the
+street. If I take my hat off he'll arrest me for begging; as it is, he
+naturally takes us for old friends."
+
+
+Once, while Bishop Talbot, the giant "cowboy bishop," was attending a
+meeting of church dignitaries in St. Paul, a tramp accosted a group of
+churchmen in the hotel porch and asked for aid.
+
+"No," one of them told him, "I'm afraid we can't help you. But you see
+that big man over there?" pointing to Bishop Talbot.
+
+"Well, he's the youngest bishop of us all, and he's a very generous man.
+You might try him."
+
+The tramp approached Bishop Talbot confidently. The others watched with
+interest. They saw a look of surprise come over the tramp's face. The
+bishop was talking eagerly. The tramp looked troubled. And then,
+finally, they saw something pass from one hand to the other. The tramp
+tried to slink past the group without speaking, but one of them called
+to him:
+
+"Well, did you get something from our young brother?"
+
+The tramp grinned sheepishly. "No," he admitted, "I gave him a dollar
+for his damned new cathedral at Laramie!"
+
+
+  To get thine ends, lay bashfulnesse aside;
+  Who feares to aske, doth teach to be deny'd.
+
+  --_Herrick_.
+
+
+  Well, whiles I am a beggar I will rail
+  And say, there is no sin but to be rich;
+  And being rich, my virtue then shall be
+  To say, there is no vice but beggary.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+_See also_ Flattery; Millionaires.
+
+
+
+
+BETTING
+
+
+The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting.
+
+"I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can fire
+twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly without
+waiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars that I can."
+
+"Done!" cried a major.
+
+The whole mess was on hand early next morning to see the experiment
+tried.
+
+The lieutenant fired.
+
+"Miss," he calmly announced.
+
+A second shot.
+
+"Miss," he repeated.
+
+A third shot.
+
+"Miss."
+
+"Here, there! Hold on!" protested the major. "What are you trying to do?
+You're not shooting for the target at all."
+
+"Of course not," admitted the lieutenant. "I'm firing for those cigars."
+And he got them.
+
+
+Two old cronies went into a drug store in the downtown part of New York
+City, and, addressing the proprietor by his first name, one of them
+said:
+
+"Dr. Charley, we have made a bet of the ice-cream sodas. We will have
+them now and when the bet is decided the loser will drop in and pay for
+them."
+
+As the two old fellows were departing after enjoying their temperance
+beverage, the druggist asked them what the wager was.
+
+"Well," said one of them, "our friend George bets that when the tower of
+the Singer Building falls, it will topple over toward the North River,
+and I bet that it won't."
+
+
+
+
+BIBLE INTERPRETATION
+
+
+"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa's
+got?" asked Percy of his governess.
+
+"Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?"
+
+"Well, it says here that the Lord gave Moses two tablets."
+
+
+"Mr. Preacher," said a white man to a colored minister who was
+addressing his congregation, "you are talking about Cain, and you say he
+got married in the land of Nod, after he killed Abel. But the Bible
+mentions only Adam and Eve as being on earth at that time. Who, then,
+did Cain marry?"
+
+The colored preacher snorted with unfeigned contempt. "Huh!" he said,
+"you hear dat, brederen an' sisters? You hear dat fool question I am
+axed? Cain, he went to de land o' Nod just as de Good Book tells us, an'
+in de land o' Nod Cain gits so lazy an' so shif'less dat he up an'
+marries a gal o' one o' dem no' count pore white trash families dat de
+inspired apostle didn't consider fittin' to mention in de Holy Word."
+
+
+
+
+BIGAMY
+
+
+  There once was an old man of Lyme.
+  Who married three wives at a time:
+    When asked, "Why a third?"
+    He replied, "One's absurd!
+  And bigamy, sir, is a crime."
+
+
+
+
+BILLS
+
+
+The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised to
+"When there's a bill we're away."
+
+
+YOUNG DOCTOR--"Why do you always ask your patients what they have for
+dinner?"
+
+OLD DOCTOR--"It's a most important question, for according to their
+menus I make out my bills."
+
+
+Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, hired
+him to drive her to the various points of interest around the country.
+He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving such items of
+information as he possessed.
+
+The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be
+necessary for you to talk."
+
+When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked
+"Extra."
+
+"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item.
+
+"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, but
+when I do I charge for it."--_E. Egbert_.
+
+
+PATIENT (_angrily_)--"The size of your bill makes my blood boil."
+
+DOCTOR--"Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your system."
+
+
+At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five doctors were
+in consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration.
+
+The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for a few
+moments, he turned his head toward the group and whispered with a dry
+chuckle:
+
+"Just send in your bills, gentlemen; that will bring it on at once."
+
+
+"Thank Heaven, those bills are got rid of," said Bilkins, fervently, as
+he tore up a bundle of statements of account dated October 1st.
+
+"All paid, eh?" said Mrs. Bilkins.
+
+"Oh, no," said Bilkins. "The duplicates dated November 1st have come in
+and I don't have to keep these any longer."
+
+
+
+
+BIRTHDAYS
+
+
+When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a
+birthday she takes a year off.
+
+
+
+
+BLUFFING
+
+
+Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he was a
+member of a company playing "She Stoops to Conquer," a man without any
+money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the box-office in a small
+town and said:
+
+"Pass me in, please."
+
+The box-office man gave a loud, harsh laugh.
+
+"Pass you in? What for?" he asked.
+
+The applicant drew himself up and answered haughtily:
+
+"What for? Why, because I am Oliver Goldsmith, author of the play."
+
+"Oh, I beg your pardon, sir," replied the box-office man, as he
+hurriedly wrote out an order for a box.
+
+
+
+
+BLUNDERS
+
+
+An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a
+determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. "I want to
+look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power."
+
+"Yes, ma'am," replied the salesman; "something very strong?"
+
+"Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder
+which I never want to repeat."
+
+"Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?"
+
+"No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a black-berry."
+
+
+The ship doctor of an English liner notified the death watch steward, an
+Irishman, that a man had died in stateroom 45. The usual instructions to
+bury the body were given. Some hours later the doctor peeked into the
+room and found that the body was still there. He called the Irishman's
+attention to the matter and the latter replied:
+
+"I thought you said room 46. I wint to that room and noticed wan of thim
+in a bunk. 'Are ye dead?' says I. 'No,' says he, 'but I'm pretty near
+dead.'
+
+"So I buried him."
+
+
+Telephone girls sometimes glory in their mistakes if there is a joke in
+consequence. The story is told by a telephone operator in one of the
+Boston exchanges about a man who asked her for the number of a local
+theater.
+
+He got the wrong number and, without asking to whom he was talking, he
+said, "Can I get a box for two to-night?"
+
+A startled voice answered him at the other end of the line, "We don't
+have boxes for two."
+
+"Isn't this the ---- Theater?" he called crossly.
+
+"Why, no," was the answer, "this is an undertaking shop."
+
+He canceled his order for a "box for two."
+
+
+A good Samaritan, passing an apartment house in the small hours of the
+morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway.
+
+"What's the matter?" he asked, "Drunk?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+"Do you live in this house?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+"Do you want me to help you upstairs?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figure
+up the stairway to the second floor.
+
+"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for a
+companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door he
+came to and pushed the limp figure in.
+
+The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was passing
+through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of
+another man, apparently in worse condition than the first one.
+
+"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?"
+
+"Yep," was the feeble reply.
+
+"Do you live in this house, too?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+"Shall I help you upstairs?"
+
+"Yep."
+
+The good Samaritan pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second floor,
+where this man also said he lived. He opened the same door and pushed
+him in.
+
+As he reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third man,
+evidently worse off than either of the other two. He was about to
+approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the
+street and threw himself into the arms of a passing policeman.
+
+"For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he gasped, "protect me from that man. He's
+done nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n throw me down th'
+elevator shaf."
+
+
+  There was a young man from the city,
+  Who met what he thought was a kitty;
+    He gave it a pat,
+    And said, "Nice little cat!"
+  And they buried his clothes out of pity.
+
+
+
+
+BOASTING
+
+
+Maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar in
+the world couldn't if he tried.
+
+"What sort of chap is he?"
+
+"Well, after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tell
+you he 'gave a little dinner to an acquaintance of his.'"--_R.R.
+Kirk_.
+
+
+WILLIE--"All the stores closed on the day my uncle died."
+
+TOMMY--"That's nothing. All the banks closed for three
+weeks the day after my pa left town."--_Puck_.
+
+
+Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one:
+
+"My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big that
+when he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cows
+he kisses us all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the following
+Saturday."
+
+"Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked.
+
+"Because the barn is so far away from the house."
+
+"Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to my
+father's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger
+than a city lot!"
+
+"Why, how big is your father's farm?"
+
+"Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couples
+out to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought back
+by their grandchildren."
+
+
+
+
+BONANZAS
+
+
+A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine
+speculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussing
+the subject of his speculation, when one of them said
+to this Western member:
+
+"Old chap, as an expert, give us a definition of the term,
+'bonanza.'"
+
+"A 'bonanza,'" replied the Western man with emphasis, "is
+a hole in the ground owned by a champion liar!"
+
+
+
+
+BOOKKEEPING
+
+
+Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays,
+and at his father's request produced his account book, duly kept
+at school. Among the items "S. P. G." figured largely and
+frequently. "Darling boy," fondly exclaimed his doting mamma:
+"see how good he is--always giving to the missionaries." But
+Tommy's sister knew him better than even his mother did, and
+took the first opportunity of privately inquiring what those mystic
+letters stood for. Nor was she surprised ultimately to find that
+they represented, not the venerable Society for the Propagation
+of the Gospel, but "Sundries, Probably Grub."
+
+
+
+
+BOOKS AND READING
+
+
+LADY PRESIDENT--"What book has helped you most?"
+
+NEW MEMBER--"My husband's check-book."--_Martha Young_.
+
+
+"You may send me up the complete works of Shakespeare,
+Goethe and Emerson--also something to read."
+
+
+There are three classes of bookbuyers: Collectors, women
+and readers.
+
+
+The owner of a large library solemnly warned a friend against
+the practice of lending books. To punctuate his advice he
+showed his friend the well-stocked shelves. "There!" said he.
+"Every one of those books was lent me."
+
+
+In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature,
+the oldest.--_Bulwer-Lytton_.
+
+
+Learning hath gained most by those books by which the
+Printers have lost.--_Fuller_.
+
+
+  Books should to one of these four ends conduce,
+  For wisdom, piety, delight, or use.
+
+  --_Sir John Denham_.
+
+
+A darky meeting another coming from the library with a book accosted him
+as follows:
+
+"What book you done got there, Rastus?"
+
+"'Last Days of Pompeii.'"
+
+"Last days of Pompey? Is Pompey dead? I never heard about it. Now what
+did Pompey die of?"
+
+"I don't 'xactly know, but it must hab been some kind of 'ruption."
+
+
+"I don't know what to give Lizzie for a Christmas present," one chorus
+girl is reported to have said to her mate while discussing the gift to
+be made to a third.
+
+"Give her a book," suggested the other.
+
+And the first one replied meditatively, "No, she's got a
+book."--_Literary Digest_.
+
+
+
+
+BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING
+
+
+A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending orders:
+
+  AS ORDERED                 CORRECT TITLE
+  _Lame as a Roble_          _Les Miserables_
+  _God's Image in Mud_       _God's Image in Man_
+  _Pair of Saucers_          _Paracelsus_
+  _Pierre and His Poodle_    _Pierre and His People_
+
+
+When a customer in a Boston department store asked a clerk for Hichens's
+_Bella Donna_, the reply was, "Drug counter, third aisle over."
+
+
+It was a few days before Christmas in one of New York's large
+book-stores.
+
+CLERK--"What is it, please?"
+
+CUSTOMER--"I would like Ibsen's _A Doll's House_."
+
+CLERK--"To cut out?"
+
+
+
+
+BOOKWORMS
+
+
+"A book-worm," said papa, "is a person who would rather read than eat,
+or it is a worm that would rather eat than read."
+
+
+
+
+BOOMERANGS
+
+
+_See_ Repartee; Retaliation.
+
+
+
+
+BORES
+
+
+"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just mentioned? I
+don't believe I have met him."
+
+"Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of them looks
+bored to death, the other is Gabbleton."--_Puck_.
+
+
+A man who was a well known killjoy was described as a great athlete. He
+could throw a wet blanket two hundred yards in any gathering.
+
+
+_See_ also Conversation; Husbands; Preaching; Public speakers;
+Reformers.
+
+
+
+
+BORROWERS
+
+
+A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been a power
+in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the Pontchartrain
+Hotel and said:
+
+"What do you think? I have just received the prize insult of my life. A
+paper down in Muncie, Ind., offered me a job."
+
+"Do you call that an insult?"
+
+"Not the job, but the salary. They offered me twelve dollars a week."
+
+"Well," said the friend, "twelve dollars a week is better than nothing."
+
+"Twelve a week--thunder!" exclaimed the old scribe. "I can borrow more
+than that right here in Detroit."--_Detroit Free Press_.
+
+
+One winter morning Henry Clay, finding himself in need of money, went to
+the Riggs Bank and asked for the loan of $250 on his personal note. He
+was told that while his credit was perfectly good, it was the inflexible
+rule of the bank to require an indorser. The great statesman hunted up
+Daniel Webster and asked him to indorse the note.
+
+"With pleasure," said Webster. "But I need some money myself. Why not
+make your note for five hundred, and you and I will split it?"
+
+This they did. And to-day the note is in the Riggs Bank--unpaid.
+
+
+
+
+BOSSES
+
+
+The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell.
+
+"Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to the
+door.
+
+"I want to see the boss of the house," replied the insurance agent. "Are
+you the boss?"
+
+"No," meekly returned the man who came to the door; "I'm only the
+husband of the boss. Step in, I'll call the boss."
+
+The insurance agent took a seat in the hall, and in a short time a tall
+dignified woman appeared.
+
+"So you want to see the boss?" repeated the woman. "Well, just step into
+the kitchen. This way, please. Bridget, this gentleman desires to see
+you."
+
+"Me th' boss!" exclaimed Bridget, when the insurance agent asked her the
+question. "Indade Oi'm not! Sure here comes th' boss now."
+
+She pointed to a small boy of ten years who was coming toward the house.
+
+"Tell me," pleaded the insurance agent, when the lad came into the
+kitchen, "are you the boss of the house?"
+
+"Want to see the boss?" asked the boy. "Well, you just come with me."
+
+Wearily the insurance agent climbed up the stairs. He was ushered into a
+room on the second floor and guided to the crib of a sleeping baby.
+
+"There!" exclaimed the boy, "that's the real boss of this house."
+
+
+
+
+BOSTON
+
+
+A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his lonely cabin
+in the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful and happy."
+"Yes," replied the one of the pick and shovel. "I spent a week in Boston
+once, and no matter what happens to me now, it seems good luck in
+comparison."
+
+
+A little Boston girl with exquisitely long golden curls and quite an
+angelic appearance in general, came in from an afternoon walk with her
+nurse and said to her mother, "Oh, Mamma, a strange woman on the street
+said to me, 'My, but ain't you got beautiful hair!'"
+
+The mother smiled, for the compliment was well merited, but she gasped
+as the child innocently continued her account:
+
+"I said to her, 'I am very glad to have you like my hair, but I am sorry
+to hear you use the word "ain't"!'"--_E. R. Bickford_.
+
+
+NAN--"That young man from Boston is an interesting talker, so far as you
+can understand what he says; but what a queer dialect he uses."
+
+FAN--"That isn't dialect; it's vocabulary. Can't you tell the
+difference?"
+
+
+A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter's gate he was asked
+the usual questions:
+
+"What is your name, and where are you from?"
+
+The answer was, "Mr. So-and-So, from Boston."
+
+"You may come in," said Peter, "but I know you won't like it."
+
+
+  There was a young lady from Boston,
+  A two-horned dilemma was tossed on,
+    As to which was the best,
+    To be rich in the west
+  Or poor and peculiar in Boston.
+
+
+
+
+BOXING
+
+
+John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving boxing
+lessons.
+
+"Well, son, I tried it once," replied Mr. Sullivan. "A husky young man
+took one lesson from me and went home a little the worse for wear. When
+he came around for his second lesson he said: 'Mr Sullivan, it was my
+idea to learn enough about boxing from you to be able to lick a certain
+young gentleman what I've got it in for. But I've changed my mind,' says
+he. 'If it's all the same to you, Mr. Sullivan, I'll send this young
+gentleman down here to take the rest of my lessons for me.'"
+
+
+
+
+BOYS
+
+
+A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical advent
+of earthquakes. One year before the season of these terrestrial
+disturbances, Mr. X., who lived in the danger zone, sent his two sons to
+the home of a brother in England, to secure them from the impending
+havoc.
+
+Evidently the quiet of the staid English household was disturbed by the
+irruption of the two West Indians, for the returning mail steamer
+carried a message to Mr. X., brief but emphatic:
+
+"Take back your boys; send me the earthquake."
+
+
+Aunt Eliza came up the walk and said to her small nephew: "Good morning,
+Willie. Is your mother in?"
+
+"Sure she's in," replied Willie truculently. "D'you s'pose I'd be
+workin' in the garden on Saturday morning if she wasn't?"
+
+
+An iron hoop bounded through the area railings of a suburban house and
+played havoc with the kitchen window. The woman waited, anger in her
+eyes, for the appearance of the hoop's owner. Presently he came.
+
+"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and here's Father to mend
+it."
+
+And, sure enough, he was followed by a stolid-looking workman, who at
+once started to work, while the small boy took his hoop and ran off.
+
+"That'll be four bits, ma'am," announced the glazier when the window was
+whole once more.
+
+"Four bits!" gasped the woman. "But your little boy broke it--the little
+fellow with the hoop, you know. You're his father, aren't you?"
+
+The stolid man shook his head.
+
+"Don't know him from Adam," he said. "He came around to my place and
+told me his mother wanted her winder fixed. You're his mother, aren't
+you?"
+
+And the woman shook her head also.--_Ray Trum Nathan_.
+
+
+_See also_ Egotism; Employers and employees; Office boys.
+
+
+
+
+BREAKFAST FOODS
+
+
+Pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted ears of
+corn.
+
+"You are going to invent a new kind of breakfast food," interpreted
+Joseph.--_Judge_.
+
+
+
+
+BREATH
+
+
+One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She
+asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of
+the time. One little girl spoke up and said:
+
+"Yes'm, when it is a cold day I can see the smoke."
+
+
+Said the bibulous gentleman who had been reading birth and death
+statistics: "Do you know, James, every time I breathe a man dies?"
+
+"Then," said James, "why don't you chew cloves?"
+
+
+
+
+BREVITY
+
+
+An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity of the
+Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat down.
+
+
+A negro servant, on being ordered to announce visitors to a dinner
+party, was directed to call out in a loud, distinct voice their names.
+The first to arrive was the Fitzgerald family, numbering eight persons.
+The negro announced Major Fitzgerald, Miss Fitzgerald, Master
+Fitzgerald, and so on.
+
+This so annoyed the master that he went to the negro and said, "Don't
+announce each person like that; say something shorter."
+
+The next to arrive were Mr. and Mrs. Penny and their daughter. The negro
+solemnly opened the door and called out, "Thrupence!"
+
+
+Dr. Abernethy, the famous Scotch surgeon, was a man of few words, but he
+once met his match--in a woman. She called at his office in Edinburgh,
+one day, with a hand badly inflamed and swollen. The following dialogue,
+opened by the doctor, took place.
+
+"Burn?"
+
+"Bruise."
+
+"Poultice."
+
+The next day the woman called, and the dialogue was as follows:
+
+"Better?"
+
+"Worse."
+
+"More poultice."
+
+Two days later the woman made another call.
+
+"Better?"
+
+"Well. Fee?"
+
+"Nothing. Most sensible woman I ever saw."
+
+
+
+
+BRIBERY
+
+
+A judge, disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an agreement
+in a perfectly evident case, rose and said, "I discharge this jury."
+
+One sensitive talesman, indignant at what he considered a rebuke,
+obstinately faced the judge.
+
+"You can't discharge me," he said in tones of one standing upon his
+rights.
+
+"And why not?" asked the surprised judge.
+
+"Because," announced the juror, pointing to the lawyer for the defense,
+"I'm being hired by that man there!"
+
+
+
+
+BRIDES
+
+
+"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the
+dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed that there's
+never cream on this milk?"
+
+"I spoke to the milkman about it," she replied, "and he explained that
+the company always fill their bottles so full that there's no room for
+cream on top."
+
+
+"Do you think only of me?" murmured the bride. "Tell me that you think
+only of me."
+
+"It's this way," explained the groom gently. "Now and then I have to
+think of the furnace, my dear."
+
+
+
+
+BRIDGE WHIST
+
+
+"How about the sermon?"
+
+"The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at bridge."
+
+"You don't say! Did he mention any names?"
+
+
+
+
+BROOKLYN
+
+
+At the Brooklyn Bridge.--"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?"
+
+"No, I have to."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS
+
+
+Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ Clark's
+friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch fobs so
+popular during the election. On being asked the reason for this, Champ
+replied: "Oh, that's to keep my watch running."
+
+
+
+
+BUILDINGS
+
+
+Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New York.
+
+"Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" asked the
+parish priest.
+
+"Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last one I
+worked on we had to lay on our stomachs to let the moon pass."
+
+
+
+
+BURGLARS
+
+
+A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a
+good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on the
+shoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a venerable, mild-eyed
+clergyman gazing sadly at him.
+
+"Oh, my brother," groaned the reverend gentleman, "wouldst thou rob me?
+Turn, I beseech thee--turn from thy evil ways. Return those stolen goods
+and depart in peace, for I am merciful and forgive. Begone!"
+
+And the burglar, only too thankful at not being given into custody of
+the police, obeyed and slunk swiftly off.
+
+Then the good old man carefully and quietly packed the swag into another
+bag and walked softly (so as not to disturb the slumber of the inmates)
+out of the house and away into the silent night.
+
+
+
+
+BUSINESS
+
+
+A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while
+cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the
+following:
+
+"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Do you drink yourself?"
+
+"That's _my_ business!" angrily.
+
+Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: "Have you any other business?"
+
+
+At the Boston Immigration Station one blank was recently filled out as
+follows:
+
+Name--Abraham Cherkowsky.
+Born--Yes.
+Business--Rotten.
+
+
+
+
+BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
+
+
+It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. One
+morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big
+sign--"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left--"Closing Out at Cost." Twenty
+minutes later there appeared over his own door, in larger letters, "Main
+Entrance."
+
+
+In a section of Washington where there are a number of hotels and cheap
+restaurants, one enterprising concern has displayed in great illuminated
+letters, "Open All Night." Next to it was a restaurant bearing with
+equal prominence the legend:
+
+"We Never Close."
+
+Third in order was a Chinese laundry in a little, low-framed, tumbledown
+hovel, and upon the front of this building was the sign, in great,
+scrawling letters:
+
+"Me wakee, too."
+
+
+A boy looking for something to do saw the sign "Boy Wanted" hanging
+outside of a store in New York. He picked up the sign and entered the
+store.
+
+The proprietor met him. "What did you bring that sign in here for?"
+asked the storekeeper.
+
+"You won't need it any more," said the boy cheerfully. "I'm going to
+take the job."
+
+
+A Chinaman found his wife lying dead in a field one morning; a tiger had
+killed her.
+
+The Chinaman went home, procured some arsenic, and, returning to the
+field, sprinkled it over the corpse.
+
+The next day the tiger's dead body lay beside the woman's. The Chinaman
+sold the tiger's skin to a mandarin, and its body to a physician to make
+fear-cure powders, and with the proceeds he was able to buy a younger
+wife.
+
+
+A rather simple-looking lad halted before a blacksmith's shop on his way
+home from school and eyed the doings of the proprietor with much
+interest.
+
+The brawny smith, dissatisfied with the boy's curiosity, held a piece of
+red-hot iron suddenly under the youngster's nose, hoping to make him
+beat a hasty retreat.
+
+"If you'll give me half a dollar I'll lick it," said the lad.
+
+The smith took from his pocket half a dollar and held it out.
+
+The simple-looking youngster took the coin, licked it, dropped it in his
+pocket and slowly walked away whistling.
+
+
+"Do you know where Johnny Locke lives, my little boy?" asked a
+gentle-voiced old lady.
+
+"He aint home, but if you give me a penny I'll find him for you right
+off," replied the lad.
+
+"All right, you're a nice little boy. Now where is he?"
+
+"Thanks--I'm him."
+
+
+"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need,"
+would seem to be the principle of the Chinese storekeeper whom a
+traveler tells about. The Chinaman asked $2.50 for five pounds of tea,
+while he demanded $7.50 for ten pounds of the same brand. His business
+philosophy was expressed in these words of explanation: "More buy, more
+rich--more rich, more can pay!"
+
+
+In a New York street a wagon loaded with lamp globes collided with a
+truck and many of the globes were smashed. Considerable sympathy was
+felt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the shattered fragments. A
+benevolent-looking old gentleman eyed him compassionately.
+
+"My poor man," he said, "I suppose you will have to make good this loss
+out of your own pocket?"
+
+"Yep," was the melancholy reply.
+
+"Well, well," said the philanthropic old gentleman, "hold out your
+hat--here's a quarter for you; and I dare say some of these other people
+will give you a helping hand too."
+
+The driver held out his hat and several persons hastened to drop coins
+in it. At last, when the contributions had ceased, he emptied the
+contents of his hat into his pocket. Then, pointing to the retreating
+figure of the philanthropist who had started the collection, he
+observed: "Say, maybe he ain't the wise guy! That's me boss!"
+
+
+
+
+BUSINESS ETHICS
+
+
+"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay
+your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?"
+
+"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly.
+
+"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.
+
+"No, ma'am, I know it ain't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."
+
+
+
+
+BUSINESS WOMEN
+
+
+Wanted--A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object matrimony.
+
+
+
+
+CAMPAIGNS
+
+
+_See_ Candidates; Public speakers.
+
+
+
+
+CAMPING
+
+
+Camp life is just one canned thing after another.
+
+
+
+
+CANDIDATES
+
+
+"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as a
+candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish to speak,"
+said Private John Allen recently to some friends at the old Metropolitan
+Hotel in Washington.
+
+"An old darky came up to greet me after the meeting. 'Marse Allen,' he
+said, 'I's powerful glad to see you. I's known ob you sense you was a
+babby. Knew yoh pappy long befo' you-all wuz bohn, too. He used to hold
+de same office you got now. I 'members how he held dat same office fo'
+years an' years.'
+
+"'What office do you mean, uncle?' I asked, as I never knew pop held any
+office.
+
+"'Why, de office ob candidate, Marse John; yoh pappy was candidate fo'
+many years.'"
+
+
+A good story is told on the later Senator Vance. He was traveling down
+in North Carolina, when he met an old darky one Sunday morning. He had
+known the old man for many years, so he took the liberty of inquiring
+where he was going.
+
+"I am, sah, pedestrianin' my appointed way to de tabernacle of de
+Lord."
+
+"Are you an Episcopalian?" inquired Vance.
+
+"No, sah, I can't say dat I am an Epispokapillian."
+
+"Maybe you are a Baptist?"
+
+"No, sah, I can't say dat I's ever been buried wid de Lord in de waters
+of baptism."
+
+"Oh, I see you are a Methodist."
+
+"No, sah, I can't say dat I's one of dose who hold to argyments of de
+faith of de Medodists."
+
+"What are you, then, uncle?"
+
+"I's a Presbyterian, Marse Zeb, just de same as you is."
+
+"Oh nonsense, uncle, you don't mean to say that you subscribe to all the
+articles of the Presbyterian faith?"
+
+"'Deed I do sah."
+
+"Do you believe in the doctrine of election to be saved?"
+
+"Yas, sah, I b'lieve in the doctrine of 'lection most firmly and
+un'quivactin'ly."
+
+"Well then tell me do you believe that I am elected to be saved?"
+
+The old darky hesitated. There was undoubtedly a terrific struggle going
+on in his mind between his veracity and his desire to be polite to the
+Senator. Finally he compromised by saying:
+
+"Well, I'll tell you how it is, Marse Zeb. You see I's never heard of
+anybody bein' 'lected to anything for what they wasn't a candidate. Has
+you, sah?"
+
+
+A political office in a small town was vacant. The office paid $250 a
+year and there was keen competition for it. One of the candidates,
+Ezekiel Hicks, was a shrewd old fellow, and a neat campaign fund was
+turned over to him. To the astonishment of all, however, he was
+defeated.
+
+"I can't account for it," said one of the leaders of Hicks' party,
+gloomily.
+
+"With that money we should have won. How did you lay it out, Ezekiel."
+
+"Well," said Ezekiel, slowly pulling his whiskers, "yer see that office
+only pays $250 a year salary, an' I didn't see no sense in paying $900
+out to get the office, so I bought a little truck farm instead."
+
+
+The little daughter of a Democratic candidate for a local office in
+Saratoga County, New York, when told that her father had got the
+nomination, cried out, "Oh, mama, do they ever die of it?"
+
+
+"I am willing," said the candidate, after he had hit the table a
+terrible blow with his fist, "to trust the people."
+
+"Gee!" yelled a little man in the audience. "I wish you'd open a
+grocery."
+
+
+"Now, Mr. Blank," said a temperance advocate to a candidate for
+municipal honors, "I want to ask you a question. Do you ever take
+alcoholic drinks?"
+
+"Before I answer the question," responded the wary candidate,
+
+"I want to know whether it is put as an inquiry or as an invitation!"
+
+
+_See also_ Politicians.
+
+
+
+
+CANNING AND PRESERVING
+
+
+  A canner, exceedingly canny,
+  One morning remarked to his granny,
+    "A canner can can
+    Anything that he can;
+  But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
+
+  --Carolyn Wells.
+
+
+
+
+CAPITALISTS
+
+
+Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: "Bishop
+Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpit
+utterances. Once, during a disastrous strike, a capitalist of Fond du
+Lac arose in a church meeting and asked leave to speak. The bishop gave
+him the floor, and the man delivered himself of a long panegyric upon
+captains of industry, upon the good they do by giving men work, by
+booming the country, by reducing the cost of production, and so forth.
+When the capitalist had finished his self-praise and, flushed and
+satisfied, had sat down again, Bishop Grafton rose and said with quiet
+significance: 'Is there any other sinner that would like to say a
+word?'"
+
+
+
+
+CAREFULNESS
+
+
+Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the
+Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. When the
+butler admitted him he said to Dugan:
+
+"You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just been
+polished."
+
+"They's no danger iv me slippin' on thim," replied Dugan. "I hov spikes
+in me shoes."--_Lippincott's_.
+
+
+
+
+CARPENTERS
+
+
+While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had occasion to
+employ a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain Connecticut
+Yankee, without any frills.
+
+"You thoroughly understand carpentry?" asked the senator.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"You can make doors, windows, and blinds?"
+
+"Oh, yes sir!"
+
+"How would you make a Venetian blind?"
+
+The man scratched his head and thought deeply for a few seconds. "I
+should think, sir," he said finally, "about the best way would be to
+punch him in the eye."
+
+
+
+
+CARVING
+
+
+To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host is
+carving):
+
+  May one give us peace in all our States,
+  And the other a piece for all our plates.
+
+
+
+
+CASTE
+
+
+In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the old
+style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, banjoists, and
+other musicians on a platform at one end.
+
+At one such dance held not long ago in an Alabama town, when the
+fiddlers had duly resined their bows and taken their places on the
+platform, the floor manager rose.
+
+"Git yo' partners fo' de nex' dance!" he yelled. "All you ladies an'
+gennulmens dat wears shoes an' stockin's, take yo' places in de middle
+of de room. All you ladies an' gennulmens dat wears shoes an' no
+stockin's, take yo' places immejitly behim' dem. An' yo' barfooted
+crowd, you jes' jig it roun' in de corners."--_Taylor Edwards_.
+
+
+
+
+CATS
+
+
+  There was a young lady whose dream
+  Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream,
+    But the cat with a bound
+    Spilt the milk on the ground,
+  So she fed a whipt cat on black cream.
+
+
+  There once were two cats in Kilkenny,
+  And each cat thought that there was one cat too many,
+  And they scratched and they fit and they tore and they bit,
+  'Til instead of two cats--there weren't any.
+
+
+
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+
+Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that
+once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the
+afternoon that he determined never to do it again.
+
+
+A man who has an office downtown called his wife by telephone the other
+morning and during the conversation asked what the baby was doing.
+
+"She was crying her eyes out," replied the mother.
+
+"What about?"
+
+"I don't know whether it is because she has eaten too many strawberries
+or because she wants more," replied the discouraged mother.
+
+
+BANKS--"I had a new experience yesterday, one you might call
+unaccountable. I ate a hearty dinner, finishing up with a Welsh rabbit,
+a mince pie and some lobster a la Newburgh. Then I went to a place of
+amusement. I had hardly entered the building before everything swam
+before me."
+
+BINKS--"The Welsh rabbit did it."
+
+BUNKS--"No; it was the lobster."
+
+BONKS--"I think it was the mince pie."
+
+BANKS--"No; I have a simpler explanation than that. I never felt better
+in my life; I was at the Aquarium."--_Judge_.
+
+
+Among a party of Bostonians who spent some time in a hunting-camp in
+Maine were two college professors. No sooner had the learned gentlemen
+arrived than their attention was attracted by the unusual position of
+the stove, which was set on posts about four feet high.
+
+This circumstance afforded one of the professors immediate opportunity
+to comment upon the knowledge that woodsmen gain by observation.
+
+"Now," said he, "this man has discovered that heat emanating from a
+stove strikes the roof, and that the circulation is so quickened that
+the camp is warmed in much less time than would be required were the
+stove in its regular place on the floor."
+
+But the other professor ventured the opinion that the stove was elevated
+to be above the window in order that cool and pure air could be had at
+night.
+
+The host, being of a practical turn, thought that the stove was set high
+in order that a good supply of green wood could be placed under it.
+
+After much argument, they called the guide and asked why the stove was
+in such a position.
+
+The man grinned. "Well, gents," he explained, "when I brought the stove
+up the river I lost most of the stove-pipe overboard; so we had to set
+the stove up that way so as to have the pipe reach through the roof."
+
+
+Jack Barrymore, son of Maurice Barrymore, and himself an actor of some
+ability, is not over-particular about his personal appearance and is a
+little lazy.
+
+He was in San Francisco on the morning of the earthquake. He was thrown
+out of bed by one of the shocks, spun around on the floor and left
+gasping in a corner. Finally, he got to his feet and rushed for a
+bathtub, where he stayed all that day. Next day he ventured out. A
+soldier, with a bayonet on his gun, captured Barrymore and compelled him
+to pile bricks for two days.
+
+Barrymore was telling his terrible experience in the Lambs' Club in New
+York.
+
+"Extraordinary," commented Augustus Thomas, the playwright. "It took a
+convulsion of nature to make Jack take a bath, and the United States
+Army to make him go to work."
+
+
+
+
+CAUTION
+
+
+Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds
+several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man when
+he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a Lakewood hotel, he said:
+
+"Can you crack nuts?"
+
+"No, dear," the old lady replied. "I lost all my teeth ages ago."
+
+"Then," requested Master Field, extending two hands full of pecans,
+"please hold these while I go and get some more."
+
+
+
+
+CHAMPAGNE
+
+
+MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?"
+
+BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself.
+Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quarts
+instead of wan."
+
+
+Sir Andrew Clark was Mr. Gladstone's physician, and was known to the
+great statesman as a "temperance doctor" who very rarely prescribed
+alcohol for his patients. On one occasion he surprised Mr. Gladstone by
+recommending him to take some wine. In answer to his illustrious
+patient's surprise he said:
+
+"Oh, wine does sometimes help you get through work! For instance, I have
+often twenty letters to answer after dinner, and a pint of champagne is
+a great help."
+
+"Indeed!" remarked Mr. Gladstone; "does a pint of champagne really help
+you to answer the twenty letters?"
+
+"No," Sir Andrew explained; "but when I've had a pint of champagne I
+don't care a rap whether I answer them or not."
+
+
+
+
+CHARACTER
+
+
+The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was,
+moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of
+his sons:
+
+"Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat Daniel?"
+
+"No sir. Why was it?"
+
+"Because the most of him was backbone and the rest was grit."
+
+
+They were trying an Irishman, charged with a petty offense, in an
+Oklahoma town, when the judge asked: "Have you any one in court who will
+vouch for your good character?"
+
+"Yis, your honor," quickly responded the Celt, "there's the sheriff
+there."
+
+Whereupon the sheriff evinced signs of great amazement.
+
+"Why, your honor," declared he, "I don't even know the man."
+
+"Observe, your honor," said the Irishman, triumphantly, "observe that
+I've lived in the country for over twelve years an' the sheriff doesn't
+know me yit! Ain't that a character for ye?"
+
+
+We must have a weak spot or two in a character before we can love it
+much. People that do not laugh or cry, or take more of anything than is
+good for them, or use anything but dictionary-words, are admirable
+subjects for biographies. But we don't care most for those flat pattern
+flowers that press best in the herbarium.--_O.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+
+
+CHARITY
+
+
+"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature. A never
+sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him."
+
+
+Dr. C.H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman, at a recent
+banquet said of charity:
+
+"Too many of us, perhaps, misinterpret the meaning of charity as the
+master misinterpreted the Scriptural text. This master, a pillar of a
+western church, entered in his journal:
+
+"'The Scripture ordains that, if a man take away thy coat, let him have
+thy cloak also. To-day, having caught the hostler stealing my potatoes,
+I have given him the sack.'"
+
+
+THE LADY--"Well, I'll give you a dime; not because you deserve it, mind,
+but because it pleases me."
+
+THE TRAMP--"Thank you, mum. Couldn't yer make it a quarter an' thoroly
+enjoy yourself?"
+
+
+Porter Emerson came into the office yesterday. He had been out in the
+country for a week and was very cheerful. Just as he was leaving, he
+said: "Did you hear about that man who died the other day and left all
+he had to the orphanage?"
+
+"No," some one answered. "How much did he leave?"
+
+"Twelve children."
+
+
+"I made a mistake," said Plodding Pete. "I told that man up the road I
+needed a little help 'cause I was lookin' for me family from whom I had
+been separated fur years."
+
+"Didn't that make him come across?"
+
+"He couldn't see it. He said dat he didn't know my family, but he wasn't
+goin' to help in bringing any such trouble on 'em."
+
+
+"It requires a vast deal of courage and charity to be philanthropic,"
+remarked Sir Thomas Lipton, apropos of Andrew Carnegie's giving. "I
+remember when I was just starting in business. I was very poor and
+making every sacrifice to enlarge my little shop. My only assistant was
+a boy of fourteen, faithful and willing and honest. One day I heard him
+complaining, and with justice, that his clothes were so shabby that he
+was ashamed to go to chapel.
+
+"'There's no chance of my getting a new suit this year,' he told me.
+'Dad's out of work, and it takes all of my wages to pay the rent.'
+
+"I thought the matter over, and then took a sovereign from my carefully
+hoarded savings and bought the boy a stout warm suit of blue cloth. He
+was so grateful that I felt repaid for my sacrifice. But the next day he
+didn't come to work. I met his mother on the street and asked her the
+reason.
+
+"'Why, Mr. Lipton,' she said, curtsying, 'Jimmie looks so respectable,
+thanks to you, sir, that I thought I would send him around town today to
+see if he couldn't get a better job.'"
+
+
+"Good morning, ma'am," began the temperance worker. "I'm collecting for
+the Inebriates' Home and--"
+
+"Why, me husband's out," replied Mrs. McGuire, "but if ye can find him
+anywhere's ye're welcome to him."
+
+
+Charity is a virtue of the heart, and not of the hands.--_Addison_.
+
+
+You find people ready enough to do the Samaritan, without the oil and
+twopence.--_Sydney Smith_.
+
+
+
+
+CHICAGO
+
+
+A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozen
+copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him at once.
+
+Within two days he received this reply by telegraph:
+
+"No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try Philadelphia."
+
+
+
+
+CHICKEN STEALING
+
+
+Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of
+chickens he considered best, and he replied:
+
+"All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de black
+ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em."
+
+
+Ida Black had retired from the most select colored circles for a brief
+space, on account of a slight difficulty connected with a gentleman's
+poultry-yard. Her mother was being consoled by a white friend.
+
+"Why, Aunt Easter, I was mighty sorry to hear about Ida--"
+
+"Marse John, Ida ain't nuvver tuk dem chickens. Ida wouldn't do sich a
+thing! Ida wouldn't demeange herse'f to rob nobody's hen-roost--and, any
+way, dem old chickens warn't nothing't all but feathers when we picked
+'em."
+
+
+"Does de white folks in youah neighborhood keep eny chickens, Br'er
+Rastus?"
+
+"Well, Br'er Johnsing, mebbe dey does keep a few."
+
+
+Henry E. Dixey met a friend one afternoon on Broadway.
+
+"Well, Henry," exclaimed the friend, "you are looking fine! What do they
+feed you on?"
+
+"Chicken mostly," replied Dixey. "You see, I am rehearsing in a play
+where I am to be a thief, so, just by way of getting into training for
+the part I steal one of my own chickens every morning and have the cook
+broil it for me. I have accomplished the remarkable feat of eating
+thirty chickens in thirty consecutive days."
+
+"Great Scott!" exclaimed the friend. "Do you still like them?"
+
+"Yes, I do," replied Dixey; "and, what is better still, the chickens
+like me. Why they have got so when I sneak into the hen-house they all
+begin to cackle, 'I wish I was in Dixey.'"--_A. S. Hitchcock_.
+
+
+A southerner, hearing a great commotion in his chicken-house one dark
+night, took his revolver and went to investigate.
+
+"Who's there?" he sternly demanded, opening the door.
+
+No answer.
+
+"Who's there? Answer, or I'll shoot!"
+
+A trembling voice from the farthest corner:
+
+"'Deed, sah, dey ain't nobody hyah ceptin' us chickens."
+
+
+A colored parson, calling upon one of his flock, found the object of his
+visit out in the back yard working among his hen-coops. He noticed with
+surprise that there were no chickens.
+
+"Why, Brudder Brown," he asked, "whar'r all yo' chickens?"
+
+"Huh," grunted Brother Brown without looking up, "some fool niggah lef
+de do' open an' dey all went home."
+
+
+
+
+CHILD LABOR
+
+
+"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!"
+
+"Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours
+truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to Alabama."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+CHILDREN
+
+
+Two weary parents once advertised:
+
+"WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female,
+to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four;
+each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children."
+
+
+Another couple advertised:
+
+"WANTED: A governess who is good stenographer, to take down the clever
+sayings of our child."
+
+
+A boy twelve years old with an air of melancholy resignation, went to
+his teacher and handed in the following note from his mother before
+taking his seat:
+
+    "Dear Sir: Please excuse James for not being present
+    yesterday.
+
+    "He played truant, but you needn't whip him for it, as the boy
+    he played truant with and him fell out, and he licked James;
+    and a man they threw stones at caught him and licked him; and
+    the driver of a cart they hung onto licked him; and the owner
+    of a cat they chased licked him. Then I licked him when he
+    came home, after which his father licked him; and I had to
+    give him another for being impudent to me for telling his
+    father. So you need not lick him until next time.
+
+    "He thinks he will attend regular in future."
+
+
+MRS. POST--"But why adopt a baby when you have three children of your
+own under five years old?"
+
+MRS. PARKER--"My own are being brought up properly. The adopted one is
+to enjoy."
+
+
+The neighbors of a certain woman in a New England town maintain that
+this lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the training of
+children. Local opinion ascribes these oddities on her part to the fact
+that she attended normal school for one year just before her marriage.
+
+Said one neighbor: "She does a lot of funny things. What do you suppose
+I heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon?"
+
+"I dunno. What was it?"
+
+"Well, you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with a
+hay-cutter; and this afternoon as I was goin' by the house I heard her
+say:
+
+"'Now, William, you must be a very good boy, for your father has injured
+his hand, and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip you.'"--_Edwin
+Tarrisse_.
+
+
+Childhood has no forebodings; but then, it is soothed by no memories of
+outlived sorrow.--_George Eliot_.
+
+
+Better to be driven out from among men than to be disliked of
+children.--_R.H. Dana_.
+
+
+_See also_ Boys; Families.
+
+
+
+
+CHOICES
+
+
+William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of an
+American officer who, by the kind permission of the British Government,
+was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His Majesty's
+battleships. Among other things that impressed the American was the
+vessel's Sunday morning service. It was very well attended, every sailor
+not on duty being there. At the conclusion of the service the American
+chanced to ask one of the jackies:
+
+"Are you obliged to attend these Sunday morning services?"
+
+"Not exactly obliged to, sir," replied the sailor-man, "but our grog
+would be stopped if we didn't, sir."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+A well-known furniture dealer of a Virginia town wanted to give his
+faithful negro driver something for Christmas in recognition of his
+unfailing good humor in toting out stoves, beds, pianos, etc.
+
+"Dobson," he said, "you have helped me through some pretty tight places
+in the last ten years, and I want to give you something as a Christmas
+present that will be useful to you and that you will enjoy. Which do you
+prefer, a ton of coal or a gallon of good whiskey?"
+
+"Boss," Dobson replied, "Ah burns wood."
+
+
+A man hurried into a quick-lunch restaurant recently and called to the
+waiter: "Give me a ham sandwich."
+
+"Yes, sir," said the waiter, reaching for the sandwich; "will you eat it
+or take it with you?"
+
+"Both," was the unexpected but obvious reply.
+
+
+
+
+CHOIRS
+
+
+_See_ Singers.
+
+
+
+
+CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
+
+
+While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in
+the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from time
+to time and squirmed and shifted about in his seat. At last, unable to
+stand it longer, he arose and demanded, in a high, penetrating voice,
+"Is there a Christian Scientist in this room?"
+
+A woman at the other side of the hall got up and said, "I am a Christian
+Scientist."
+
+"Well, then, madam," requested the little man, "would you mind changing
+seats with me? I'm sitting in a draft."
+
+
+
+
+CHRISTIANS
+
+
+At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one of
+the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked him:
+
+"Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?"
+
+"No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink. But then, I am not
+a Christian."
+
+
+A traveler who believed himself to be sole survivor of a shipwreck upon
+a cannibal isle hid for three days, in terror of his life. Driven out by
+hunger, he discovered a thin wisp of smoke rising from a clump of bushes
+inland, and crawled carefully to study the type of savages about it.
+Just as he reached the clump he heard a voice say: "Why in hell did you
+play that card?" He dropped on his knees and, devoutly raising his
+hands, cried:
+
+"Thank God they are Christians!"
+
+
+
+
+CHRISTMAS GIFTS
+
+
+"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie," said
+his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy."
+
+Freddie read over the list, and then said:
+
+"Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?"
+
+  'Twas the month after Christmas,
+  And Santa had flit;
+  Came there tidings for father
+  Which read: "Please remit!"
+
+  --_R.L.F_.
+
+
+Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher:
+
+"And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother for
+Christmas this year?"
+
+"I dunno," said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year."
+
+
+  For little children everywhere
+    A joyous season still we make;
+  We bring our precious gifts to them,
+    Even for the dear child Jesus' sake.
+
+  --_Phebe Cary_.
+
+
+  I will, if you will,
+    devote my Christmas giving to the children and the needy,
+      reserving only the privilege of, once in a while,
+        giving to a dear friend a gift which then will have
+          the old charm of being a genuine surprise.
+
+  I will, if you will,
+    keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart, and,
+      barring out hurry, worry, and competition,
+        will consecrate the blessed season, in joy and love,
+          to the One whose birth we celebrate.
+
+  --_Jane Porter Williams_.
+
+
+
+
+CHRONOLOGY
+
+
+TOURIST--"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an ancient library
+in Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B.C.'"
+
+ENGLISHMAN--"Before Carnegie, I presume."
+
+
+
+
+CHURCH ATTENDANCE
+
+
+"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night."
+
+"New minister?"
+
+"No it was burned down."
+
+
+"I understand," said a young woman to another, "that at your church you
+are having such small congregations. Is that so?"
+
+"Yes," answered the other girl, "so small that every time our rector
+says 'Dearly Beloved' you feel as if you had received a proposal!"
+
+
+"Are you a pillar of the church?"
+
+"No, I'm a flying buttress--I support it from the outside."
+
+
+
+
+CHURCH DISCIPLINE
+
+
+Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One day, while
+sitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking of a monk who
+had left the church and married, he observed, not without malice: "He
+has taken his punishment into his own hands."
+
+
+
+
+CIRCUS
+
+
+A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W.
+C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most amusing
+features of the show-business; the faking in the "side-show."
+
+Coup was the owner of a small circus that boasted among its principal
+attractions a man-eating ape, alleged to be the largest in captivity.
+This ferocious beast was exhibited chained to the dead trunk of a tree
+in the side-show. Early in the day of the first performance of Coup's
+enterprise at a certain Ohio town, a countryman handed the man-eating
+ape a piece of tobacco, in the chewing of which the beast evinced the
+greatest satisfaction.
+
+The word was soon passed around that the ape would chew tobacco; and the
+result was that several plugs were thrown at him. Unhappily, however,
+one of these had been filled with cayenne pepper. The man-eating ape bit
+it; then, howling with indignation, snapped the chain that bound him to
+the tree, and made straight for the practical joker who had so cruelly
+deceived him.
+
+"Lave me at 'im!" yelled the ape. "Lave me at 'im, the dirty villain!
+I'll have the rube's loife, or me name ain't Magillicuddy!"
+
+Fortunately for the countryman and for Magillicuddy, too, the man-eating
+ape was restrained by the bystanders in time to prevent a killing.
+
+
+    Willie to the circus went,
+    He thought it was immense;
+    His little heart went pitter-pat,
+    For the excitement was in tents.
+
+    --_Harvard Lampoon_.
+
+
+A child of strict parents, whose greatest joy had hitherto been the
+weekly prayer-meeting, was taken by its nurse to the circus for the
+first time. When he came home he exclaimed:
+
+"Oh, Mama, if you once went to the circus you'd never, never go to a
+prayer-meeting again in all your life."
+
+
+Johnny, who had been to the circus, was telling his teacher about the
+wonderful things he had seen.
+
+"An' teacher," he cried, "they had one big animal they called the
+hip--hip--
+
+"Hippopotamus, dear," prompted the teacher.
+
+"I can't just say its name," exclaimed Johnny, "but it looks just like
+9,000 pounds of liver."
+
+
+
+
+CIVILIZATION
+
+
+An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the patronizing
+airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools for the
+redskins.
+
+On one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through one
+institution when he came upon an Indian lad of seventeen years. The
+worker was engaged in a bit of carpentry, which the visitor observed in
+silence for some minutes. Then, with the utmost gravity, he asked the
+boy:
+
+"Are you civilized?"
+
+The youthful redskin lifted his eyes from his work, calmly surveyed his
+questioner, and then replied:
+
+"No, are you?"--_Taylor Edwards_.
+
+
+"My dear, listen to this," exclaimed the elderly English lady to her
+husband, on her first visit to the States. She held the hotel menu
+almost at arm's length, and spoke in a tone of horror: "'Baked Indian
+pudding!' Can it be possible in a civilized country?"
+
+
+"The path of civilization is paved with tin cans."--_The Philistine_.
+
+
+
+
+CLEANLINESS
+
+
+"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took
+up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young woman, "was one
+to clean out which would have called for the best efforts of the
+renovator of the Augean stables. And the families in this tenement were
+almost as hopeless as the tenement itself.
+
+"On one occasion I felt distinctly encouraged, however, since I observed
+that the face of one youngster was actually clean.
+
+"'William,' said I, 'your face is fairly clean, but how did you get such
+dirty hands?"
+
+"'Washin' me face,' said William."
+
+
+A woman in one of the factory towns of Massachusetts recently agreed to
+take charge of a little girl while her mother, a seamstress, went to
+another town for a day's work.
+
+The woman with whom the child had been left endeavored to keep her
+contented, and among other things gave her a candy dog, with which she
+played happily all day.
+
+At night the dog had disappeared, and the woman inquired whether it had
+been lost.
+
+"No, it ain't lost," answered the little girl. "I kept it 'most all day,
+but it got so dirty that I was ashamed to look at it; so I et
+it."--_Fenimore Martin_.
+
+
+"How old are you?" once asked Whistler of a London newsboy. "Seven," was
+the reply. Whistler insisted that he must be older than that, and
+turning to his friend he remarked: "I don't think he could get as dirty
+as that in seven years, do you?"
+
+
+If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!--_Charles Lamb_.
+
+
+
+
+CLERGY
+
+
+"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to
+question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fight
+against the Philistines?"
+
+None of the children could tell him.
+
+"Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help them he tapped his jaw with
+one finger. "What is this?" he asked.
+
+This jogged their memories, and the class cried in chorus: "The jawbone
+of an ass."
+
+
+All work and no plagiarism makes a dull parson.
+
+
+Bishop Doane of Albany was at one time rector of an Episcopal church in
+Hartford, and Mark Twain, who occasionally attended his services, played
+a joke upon him, one Sunday.
+
+"Dr. Doane," he said at the end of the service, "I enjoyed your sermon
+this morning. I welcomed it like on old friend. I have, you know, a book
+at home containing every word of it."
+
+"You have not," said Dr. Doane.
+
+"I have so."
+
+"Well, send that book to me. I'd like to see it."
+
+"I'll send it," the humorist replied. Next morning he sent an unabridged
+dictionary to the rector.
+
+
+The four-year-old daughter of a clergyman was ailing one night and was
+put to bed early. As her mother was about to leave her she called her
+back.
+
+"Mamma," she said, "I want to see my papa."
+
+"No, dear," her mother replied, "your papa is busy and must not be
+disturbed."
+
+"But, mamma," the child persisted, "I want to see my papa."
+
+As before, the mother replied: "No, your papa must not be disturbed."
+
+But the little one came back with a clincher:
+
+"Mamma," she declared solemnly, "I am a sick woman, and I want to see my
+minister."
+
+
+PROFESSOR--"Now, Mr. Jones, assuming you were called to attend a patient
+who had swallowed a coin, what would be your method of procedure?"
+
+YOUNG MEDICO--"I'd send for a preacher, sir. They'll get money out of
+anyone."
+
+
+Archbishop Ryan was once accosted on the streets of Baltimore by a man
+who knew the archbishop's face, but could not quite place it.
+
+"Now, where in hell have I seen you?" he asked perplexedly.
+
+"From where in hell do you come, sir?"
+
+
+A Duluth pastor makes it a point to welcome any strangers cordially, and
+one evening, after the completion of the service, he hurried down the
+aisle to station himself at the door.
+
+He noticed a Swedish girl, evidently a servant, so he welcomed her to
+the church, and expressed the hope that she would be a regular
+attendant. Finally he said if she would be at home some evening during
+the week he would call.
+
+"T'ank you," she murmured bashfully, "but ay have a fella."
+
+
+A minister of a fashionable church in Newark had always left the
+greeting of strangers to be attended to by the ushers, until he read the
+newspaper articles in reference to the matter.
+
+"Suppose a reporter should visit our church?" said his wife.
+
+"Wouldn't it be awful?"
+
+"It would," the minister admitted.
+
+The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman in one
+of the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member of the
+flock. After the benediction the minister hastened and intercepted her
+at the door.
+
+"How do you do?" he said, offering his hand, "I am very glad to have you
+with us."
+
+"Thank you," replied the young woman.
+
+"I hope we may see you often in our church home," he went on. "We are
+always glad to welcome new faces."
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Do you live in this parish?" he asked.
+
+The girl looked blank.
+
+"If you will give me your address my wife and I will call on you some
+evening."
+
+"You wouldn't need to go far, sir," said the young woman, "I'm your
+cook!"
+
+
+Bishop Goodsell, of the Methodist Episcopal church, weighs over two
+hundred pounds. It was with mingled emotions, therefore that he read the
+following in _Zion's Herald_ some time ago:
+
+"The announcement that our New England bishop, Daniel A. Goodsell, has
+promised to preach at the Willimantic camp meeting, will give great
+pleasure to the hosts of Israel who are looking forward to that feast of
+fat things."
+
+
+It is a standing rule of a company whose boats ply the Great Lakes that
+clergymen and Indians may travel on its boats for half-fare. A short
+time ago an agent of the company was approached by an Indian preacher
+from Canada, who asked for free transportation on the ground that he was
+entitled to one-half rebate because he was an Indian, and the other half
+because he was a clergyman.--_Elgin Burroughs_.
+
+
+Booker Washington, as all the world knows, believes that the salvation
+of his race lies in industry. Thus, if a young man wants to be a
+clergyman, he will meet with but little encouragement from the head of
+Tuskegee; but if he wants to be a blacksmith or a bricklayer, his
+welcome is warm and hearty.
+
+Dr. Washington, in a recent address in Chicago, said:
+
+"The world is overfull of preachers and when an aspirant for the pulpit
+comes to me, I am inclined to tell him about the old uncle working in
+the cotton field who said:
+
+"'De cotton am so grassy, de work am so hard, and de sun am so hot, Ah
+'clare to goodness Ah believe dis darkey am called to preach.'"
+
+
+On one occasion the minister delivered a sermon of but ten minutes'
+duration--a most unusual thing for him.
+
+Upon the conclusion of his remarks he added: "I regret to inform you,
+brethren, that my dog, who appears to be peculiarly fond of paper, this
+morning ate that portion of my sermon that I have not delivered. Let us
+pray."
+
+After the service the clergyman was met at the door by a man who as a
+rule, attended divine service in another parish. Shaking the good man by
+the hand he said:
+
+"Doctor, I should like to know whether that dog of yours has any pups.
+If so I want to get one to give to my minister."
+
+
+Recipe for a parson:
+
+  To a cupful of negative goodness
+    Add the pleasure of giving advice.
+  Sift in a peck of dry sermons,
+    And flavor with brimstone or ice.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+A pompous Bishop of Oxford was once stopped on a London street by a
+ragged urchin.
+
+"Well, my little man, and what can I do for you?" inquired the
+churchman.
+
+"The time o' day, please, your lordship."
+
+With considerable difficulty the portly bishop extracted his timepiece.
+
+"It is exactly half past five, my lad."
+
+"Well," said the boy, setting his feet for a good start, "at 'alf past
+six you go to 'ell!"--and he was off like a flash and around the
+corner. The bishop, flushed and furious, his watch dangling from its
+chain, floundered wildly after him. But as he rounded the corner he ran
+plump into the outstretched arms of the venerable Bishop of London.
+
+"Oxford, Oxford," remonstrated that surprised dignitary, "why this
+unseemly haste?"
+
+Puffing, blowing, spluttering, the outraged Bishop gasped out:
+
+"That young ragamuffin--I told him it was half past five--he--er--told
+me to go to hell at half past six."
+
+"Yes, yes," said the Bishop of London with the suspicion of a twinkle in
+his kindly old eyes, "but why such haste? You've got almost an hour."
+
+
+  Skilful alike with tongue and pen,
+  He preached to all men everywhere
+  The Gospel of the Golden Rule,
+  The New Commandment given to men,
+  Thinking the deed, and not the creed,
+  Would help us in our utmost need.
+
+  --_Longfellow_.
+
+
+_See also_ Burglars; Contribution box; Preaching; Resignation.
+
+
+
+
+CLIMATE
+
+
+In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong
+that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance,
+for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down his
+reputation, he asked headquarters to transfer him to another station.
+
+A brief correspondance ensued.
+
+"Why," asked headquarters, "do you wish to be transferred?"
+
+"Because," the forecaster promptly replied, "the climate doesn't agree
+with me."
+
+
+
+
+CLOTHING
+
+
+One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call,
+sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There,
+Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's
+really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!"
+
+Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.
+
+A few minutes later his neighbor--Mrs. S.--was summoned to the door by a
+messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She opened
+it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following note:
+"Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed half an
+hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly return it, as
+it is the only one I have?--Mark Twain."
+
+
+A man whose trousers bagged badly at the knees was standing on a corner
+waiting for a car. A passing Irishman stopped and watched him with great
+interest for two or three minutes; at last he said:
+
+"Well, why don't ye jump?"
+
+
+"The evening wore on," continued the man who was telling the story.
+
+"Excuse me," interrupted the would-be-wit; "but can you tell us what the
+evening wore on that occasion?"
+
+"I don't know that it is important," replied the story-teller. "But if
+you must know, I believe it was the close of a summer day."
+
+
+"See that measuring worm crawling up my skirt!" cried Mrs. Bjenks.
+"That's a sign I'm going to have a new dress."
+
+"Well, let him make it for you," growled Mr. Bjenks. "And while he's
+about it, have him send a hookworm to do you up the back. I'm tired of
+the job."
+
+
+  Dwellers in huts and in marble halls--
+    From Shepherdess up to Queen--
+  Cared little for bonnets, and less for shawls,
+    And nothing for crinoline.
+  But now simplicity's _not_ the rage,
+    And it's funny to think how cold
+  The dress they wore in the Golden Age
+    Would seem in the Age of Gold.
+
+  --_Henry S. Leigh_.
+
+
+  Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
+  But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
+  For the apparel oft proclaims the man.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+CLUBS
+
+
+Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement.
+
+"When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every
+morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of its
+members shall marry a man who won't shave every morning."
+
+"Oh, that's all right," replied Ben; "but what about the mornings I
+don't get home in time? I belong to a club, too."--_M.A. Hitchcock_.
+
+
+The guest landing at the yacht club float with his host, both of them
+wearing oilskins and sou'-westers to protect them from the drenching
+rain, inquired:
+
+"And who are those gentlemen seated on the veranda, looking so spick and
+span in their white duck yachting caps and trousers, and keeping the
+waiters running all the time?"
+
+"They're the rocking-chair members. They never go outside, and they're
+waterproof inside."
+
+
+One afternoon thirty ladies met at the home of Mrs. Lyons to form a
+woman's club. The hostess was unanimously elected president. The next
+day the following ad appeared in the newspaper:
+
+"Wanted--a reliable woman to take care of a baby. Apply to Mrs. J. W.
+Lyons."
+
+
+
+
+COAL DEALERS
+
+
+In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal
+business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was
+converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the
+church. One day he asked:
+
+"Why can't you join the church like I did?"
+
+"It's a fine thing for you to belong to the church," replied the younger
+brother, "If I join the church who'll weigh the coal?"
+
+
+
+
+COEDUCATION
+
+
+The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's
+rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away from
+the coeducational colleges, what will follow? What will follow, I
+repeat?"
+
+And a loud, masculine voice in the audience replied: "I will!"
+
+
+
+
+COFFEE
+
+
+Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He
+liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France he
+one day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicory
+in the house. He had. Bismarck said--"Well, bring it to me; all you
+have." The man obeyed and handed Bismarck a canister full of chicory.
+"Are you sure this is all you have?" demanded the Chancellor. "Yes, my
+lord, every grain." "Then," said Bismarck, keeping the canister by him,
+"go now and make me a pot of coffee."
+
+
+
+
+COINS
+
+
+He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country:
+"Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Paris as a
+souvenir."
+
+"Thanks, Herman," said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to have
+brought me home one of them Latin quarters I read so much about."
+
+
+
+
+COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
+
+
+An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store are
+requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our store and not
+knowing it are requested to call and find out. Those knowing themselves
+indebted and not wishing to call, are requested to stay in one place
+long enough for us to catch them."
+
+
+"Sir," said the haughty American to his adhesive tailor, "I object to
+this boorish dunning. I would have you know that my great-great-grandfather
+was one of the early settlers."
+
+"And yet," sighed the anxious tradesman, "there are people who believe
+in heredity."
+
+
+A retail dealer in buggies doing business in one of the large towns in
+northern Indiana wrote to a firm in the east ordering a carload of
+buggies. The firm wired him:
+
+"Cannot ship buggies until you pay for your last consignment."
+
+"Unable to wait so long," wired back the buggy dealer, "cancel order."
+
+
+   The saddest words of tongue or pen
+   May be perhaps, "It might have been,"
+   The sweetest words we know, by heck,
+   Are only these "Enclosed find check!"
+
+  --_Minne-Ha-Ha_.
+
+
+
+
+COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
+
+
+Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth.
+
+"It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling sweetly
+upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day so that my
+feet should not be wet by that horrid puddle. May I not instruct my Lord
+High Treasurer to reimburse you for it?"
+
+"Don't mention it, your Majesty," replied Raleigh. "It only cost two and
+six, and I have already sold it to an American collector for eight
+thousand pounds."
+
+
+
+
+COLLEGE GRADUATES
+
+
+"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper
+agent.
+
+"No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a few
+times, but my son will be home from college in June."
+
+
+
+
+COLLEGE STUDENTS
+
+
+"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled
+from college?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats
+itself."
+
+
+WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority houses.
+We haven't made a nickel in two years. The Gas Co.--_Michigan
+Gargoyle_.
+
+
+FRESHMAN--"I have a sliver in my finger."
+
+SOP--"Been scratching your head?"
+
+
+STUDE--"Do you smoke, professor?"
+
+PROF.--"Why, yes, I'm very fond of a good cigar."
+
+STUDE--"Do you drink, sir?"
+
+PROF.--"Yes, indeed, I enjoy nothing better than a bottle of wine."
+
+STUDE--"Gee, it's going to cost me something to pass this
+course."--_Cornell Widow_.
+
+
+Three boys from Yale, Princeton and Harvard were in a room when a lady
+entered. The Yale boy asked languidly if some fellow ought not to give a
+chair to the lady; the Princeton boy slowly brought one, and the Harvard
+boy deliberately sat down in it.--_Life_.
+
+
+A college professor was one day nearing the close of a history lecture
+and was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in which he
+delighted when the hour struck. The students immediately began to slam
+down the movable arms of their lecture chairs and to prepare to leave.
+
+The professor, annoyed at the interruption of his flow of eloquence,
+held up his hand:
+
+"Wait just one minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to cast."
+
+
+When Rutherford B. Hayes was a student at college it was his custom to
+take a walk before breakfast.
+
+One morning two of his student friends went with him. After walking a
+short distance they met an old man with a long white beard. Thinking
+that they would have a little fun at the old man's expense, the first
+one bowed to him very gracefully and said: "Good morning, Father
+Abraham."
+
+The next one made a low bow and said: "Good morning, Father Isaac."
+
+Young Hayes then made his bow and said: "Good morning Father Jacob."
+
+The old man looked at them a moment and then said: "Young men, I am
+neither Abraham, Isaac nor Jacob. I am Saul, the son of Kish, and I am
+out looking for my father's asses, and lo, I have found them."
+
+
+A western college boy amused himself by writing stories and giving them
+to papers for nothing. His father objected and wrote to the boy that he
+was wasting his time. In answer the college lad wrote:
+
+"So, dad, you think I am wasting my time in writing for the local papers
+and cite Johnson's saying that the man who writes, except for money, is
+a fool. I shall act upon Doctor Johnson's suggestion and write for
+money. Send me fifty dollars."
+
+
+The president of an eastern university had just announced in chapel that
+the freshman class was the largest enrolled in the history of the
+institution. Immediately he followed the announcement by reading the
+text for the morning: "Lord, how are they increased that trouble me!"
+
+
+STUDE.--"Is it possible to confide a secret to you?"
+
+FRIEND--"Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave."
+
+STUDE--"Well, then, I have a pressing need for two bucks."
+
+FRIEND--"Do not worry. It is as if I had heard nothing." --_-Michigan
+Gargoyle_.
+
+
+"Why did you come to college, anyway? You are not studying," said the
+Professor.
+
+"Well," said Willie, "I don't know exactly myself. Mother says it is to
+fit me for the Presidency; Uncle Bill, to sow my wild oats; Sis, to get
+a chum for her to marry, and Pa, to bankrupt the family."
+
+
+A young Irishman at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote to his
+uncle as follows:
+
+    "Dear Uncle.--If you could see how I blush for shame while I
+    am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have
+    to ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express
+    myself. It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die.
+    I send you this by messenger, who will wait for an answer.
+    Believe me, my dearest uncle, your most obedient and
+    affectionate nephew.
+
+    "P.S.--Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have
+    been running after the messenger in order to take the letter
+    from him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something
+    may happen to stop him, or that this letter may get lost."
+
+The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency. He
+replied as follows:
+
+    "My Dear Jack--Console yourself and blush no more. Providence
+    has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter. Your
+    affectionate uncle."
+
+
+The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt
+with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the
+intervening time preparing for the final examinations.
+
+"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there
+any questions to be asked?"
+
+Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:
+
+"Who's the printer?"
+
+
+It was Commencement Day at a well-known woman's college, and the father
+of one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises. He
+was presented to the president, who said, "I congratulate you, sir, upon
+your extremely large and affectionate family."
+
+"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much surprised.
+
+"Yes, indeed," said the president. "No less than twelve of your
+daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take her
+driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the theater
+at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are."
+
+
+The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its
+great scholars great men.--_O.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+_See also_ Harvard university; Scholarship.
+
+
+
+
+COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
+
+
+  The college is a coy maid--
+    She has a habit quaint
+  Of making eyes at millionaires
+    And winking at the taint.
+
+  --_Judge_.
+
+
+"What is a 'faculty'?"
+
+"A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape."--_Cornell Widow_.
+
+
+Yale University is to have a ton of fossils. Whether for the faculty or
+for the museums is not announced.--_The Atlanta Journal_.
+
+
+FIRST TRUSTEE--"But this ancient institution of learning will fail
+unless something is done."
+
+SECOND TRUSTEE--"True; but what can we do? We have already raised the
+tuition until it is almost 1 per cent of the fraternity fees."--_Puck_.
+
+
+The president of the university had dark circles under his eyes. His
+cheek was pallid; his lips were trembling; he wore a hunted expression.
+
+"You look ill," said his wife. "What is wrong, dear?"
+
+"Nothing much," he replied. "But--I--I had a fearful dream last night,
+and I feel this morning as if I--as if I--" It was evident that his
+nervous system was shattered.
+
+"What was the dream?" asked his wife.
+
+"I--I--dreamed the trustees required that--that I should--that I should
+pass the freshman examination for--admission!" sighed the president.
+
+
+
+
+COMMON SENSE
+
+
+A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town.
+It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was
+a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work
+had been started, and seeing a man in the doorway, called to him:
+
+"What be ye doin' in this place?"
+
+"We are searching for a universal solvent--something that will dissolve
+all things," said the chemist.
+
+"What good will thet be?"
+
+"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a solution of
+iron, glass, gold--anything, all that we have to do is to drop it in
+this solution."
+
+"Fine," said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it in?"
+
+
+
+
+COMMUTERS
+
+
+BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that
+girl who lives in the suburbs?"
+
+GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have
+transferred to a town girl."
+
+
+"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked the
+first commuter.
+
+"Yes," said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains. The old
+brand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this new brand in a
+second and a half."
+
+
+After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands
+with a young German.
+
+"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. "Yes," said the
+German: "I take the 7:45 every morning."--_M.L. Hayward_.
+
+
+A suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the blizzards
+of 1894. Finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts to start it
+again were futile.
+
+In the wee, small hours of the morning a weary commuter, numb from the
+cold and the cramped position in which he had tried to sleep, crawled
+out of the train and floundered through the heavy snow-drifts to the
+nearest telegraph station. This is the message he handed to the
+operator:
+
+"Will not be at office to-day. Not home yesterday yet."
+
+
+A nervous commuter on his dark, lonely way home from the railroad
+station heard footsteps behind him. He had an uncomfortable feeling that
+he was being followed. He increased his speed. The footsteps quickened
+accordingly. The commuter darted down a lane. The footsteps still
+pursued him. In desperation he vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a
+churchyard, threw himself panting on one of the graves.
+
+"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no doubt as
+to his intentions."
+
+The man behind was following. He could hear him scrambling over the
+fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs, garroters and the like flashed
+through his brain. Quivering with fear, the nervous one arose and faced
+his pursuer.
+
+"What do you want?" he demanded. "Wh-why are you following me?"
+
+"Say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go home like
+this? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's and the man at the station told me to
+follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking you, but is there
+much more to do before we get there?"
+
+
+
+
+COMPARISONS
+
+
+A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last
+season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat.
+
+"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd
+look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."
+
+
+A well-known author tells of an English spinster who said, as she
+watched a great actress writhing about the floor as Cleopatra:
+
+"How different from the home life of our late dear queen!"
+
+
+"Darling," whispered the ardent suitor, "I lay my fortune at your feet."
+
+"Your fortune?" she replied in surprise. "I didn't know you had one."
+
+"Well, it isn't much of a fortune, but it will look large besides those
+tiny feet."
+
+
+"Girls make me tired," said the fresh young man. "They are always going
+to palmists to have their hands read."
+
+"Indeed!" said she sweetly; "is that any worse than men going into
+saloons to get their noses red?"
+
+
+A friend once wrote Mark Twain a letter saying that he was in very bad
+health, and concluding: "Is there anything worse than having toothache
+and earache at the same time?"
+
+The humorist wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus's dance."
+
+
+The Rev. Dr. William Emerson, of Boston, son of Ralph Waldo Emerson,
+recently made a trip through the South, and one Sunday attended a
+meeting in a colored church. The preacher was a white man, however, a
+white man whose first name was George, and evidently a prime favorite
+with the colored brethren. When the service was over Dr. Emerson walked
+home behind two members of the congregation, and overheard this
+conversation: "Massa George am a mos' pow'ful preacher." "He am dat."
+"He's mos's pow'ful as Abraham Lincoln." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan
+Lincoln." "He's mos' 's pow'ful as George Washin'ton." "Huh! He's mo'
+pow'ful dan Washin'ton." "Massa George ain't quite as pow'ful as God."
+"N-n-o, not quite. But he's a young man yet."
+
+
+Is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that the
+comparisons made between wit and wit, courage and courage, beauty and
+beauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill taken?--_Cervantes_.
+
+
+
+
+COMPENSATION
+
+
+"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile
+goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks
+longer."
+
+
+
+
+COMPETITION
+
+
+A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the
+pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new
+baby she felt rather neglected.
+
+"How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon.
+
+"Oh, I'm all right," she said, "except that I think there is too much
+competition in this world."
+
+
+A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering
+his fields. The very first day while he was trying it there suddenly
+came a downpour of rain. He put away his machine.
+
+"It's no use," he said; "you can do nothing nowadays without
+competition."
+
+
+
+
+COMPLIMENTS
+
+
+Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which
+took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I saw
+was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered.
+The man who was struck ran and grabbed a large shovel he had been using
+on the street, and rushed back, his eyes blazing fiercely. I thought
+he'd surely knock the other man's brains out, and I stepped right in
+between them."
+
+The young son of the family had become so hugely interested in the
+narrative as it proceeded that he had stopped eating his pudding. So
+proud was he of his father's valor, his eyes fairly shone, and he cried:
+
+"He couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, Father?"
+
+Father looked at him long and earnestly, but the lad's countenance was
+frank and open.
+
+Father gasped slightly, and resumed his supper.
+
+
+_See also_ Tact.
+
+
+
+
+COMPOSERS
+
+
+Recipe for the musical comedy composer:
+
+  Librettos of all of the operas,
+    Some shears and a bottle of paste,
+  Curry the hits of last season,
+    Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+COMPROMISES
+
+
+Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the
+only people who had keys to that drawer."
+
+Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it."
+
+
+
+
+CONFESSIONS
+
+
+"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five
+years?"
+
+"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_Puck_.
+
+
+Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught
+to report misdeeds promptly. One afternoon she came sobbing penitently
+to her mother.
+
+"Mother, I--I broke a brick in the fireplace."
+
+"Well, it might be worse. But how on earth did you do it, Ethel?"
+
+"I pounded it with your watch."
+
+
+"Confession is good for the soul."
+
+"Yes, but it's bad for the reputation."
+
+
+
+
+CONGRESS
+
+
+Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring
+valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_.
+
+
+"Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman,
+"we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the class a certain miss whom I know
+unconsciously puts us in. It was at a recent examination at her school
+that the question was put, 'Who makes the laws of our government?'
+
+"'Congress,' was the united reply.
+
+"'How is Congress divided?' was the next query.
+
+"My young friend raised her hand.
+
+"'Well,' said the teacher, 'what do you say the answer is?'
+
+"Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the Miss
+replied, 'Civilized, half civilized, and savage.'"
+
+
+
+
+CONGRESSMEN
+
+It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen,
+mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was a
+scene of fairy splendor; but on one table there were no decorations but
+palm leaves.
+
+"Here," said a congressman to the head waiter, "why don't you put them
+things on our table too?" pointing to the plants.
+
+The head waiter didn't know he was a congressman.
+
+"We cain't do it, boss," he whispered confidentially; "dey's mostly
+congressmen at 'dis table, an' if we put pa'ms on de table dey take um
+for celery an' eat um all up sho. 'Deed dey would, boss. We knows 'em."
+
+
+Representative X, from North Carolina, was one night awakened by his
+wife, who whispered, "John, John, get up! There are robbers in the
+house."
+
+"Robbers?" he said. "There may be robbers in the Senate, Mary; but not
+in the House! It's preposterous!"--_John N. Cole, Jr_.
+
+
+Champ Clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate Congressman
+Johnson of Indiana called an Illinois representative a jackass. The
+expression was unparliamentary, and in retraction Johnson said:
+
+"While I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, I must insist that
+the gentleman from Illinois is out of order."
+
+"How am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois.
+
+"Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you," answered Johnson, and
+that was parliamentary enough to stay on the record.
+
+
+A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in New York.
+When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of his stay, the
+waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the Congressman tossed it
+aside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and said, "Bring me a good
+dinner."
+
+The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued this plan
+during his entire stay in New York. As the last tip was given, he
+mentioned that he was about to return to Washington.
+
+Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, said:
+
+"Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come to New
+York, just ask for Dick."
+
+
+
+
+CONSCIENCE
+
+
+The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of
+the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone.
+
+A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an
+office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again. Yes,
+there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer was sitting upon
+the gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name that was lettered on
+the window and then searched in the telephone book. Still keeping his
+eye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up. In a
+few moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver.
+
+"Yes," said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think you would
+start."
+
+The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammer
+something.
+
+"Yes," continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take that
+arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to be plenty
+of chairs in the room--"
+
+The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is to be
+feared. "Who--who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed to splutter.
+
+"I," answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am your
+conscience!"
+
+
+  A quiet conscience makes one so serene!
+  Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded
+  That all the Apostles would have done as they did.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+  Oh, Conscience! Conscience! man's most faithful friend,
+    Him canst thou comfort, ease, relieve, defend;
+  But if he will thy friendly checks forego,
+    Thou art, oh! woe for me his deadliest foe!
+
+  --_Crabbe_.
+
+
+
+
+CONSEQUENCES
+
+
+A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between
+the words "results" and "consequences."
+
+A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences
+are what you get."
+
+
+Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible consequences,
+quite apart from any fluctuations that went before--consequences that
+are hardly ever confined to ourselves.--_George Eliot_.
+
+
+
+
+CONSIDERATION
+
+
+The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had
+tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of
+honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm.
+
+"Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said to his
+host. "Whar did you git such a fine goose?"
+
+"Well, now, Pahson," replied the carver of the goose, exhibiting great
+dignity and reticence, "when you preaches a speshul good sermon I never
+axes you whar you got it. I hopes you will show me de same
+considerashion."
+
+
+A clergyman, who was summoned in haste by a woman who had been taken
+suddenly ill, answered the call though somewhat puzzled by it, for he
+knew that she was not of his parish, and was, moreover, known to be a
+devoted worker in another church. While he was waiting to be shown to
+the sick-room he fell to talking to the little girl of the house.
+
+"It is very gratifying to know that your mother thought of me in her
+illness," said he, "Is your minister out of town?"
+
+"Oh, no," answered the child, in a matter-of-fact tone. "He's home; only
+we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to take
+any risks."
+
+
+
+
+CONSTANCY
+
+
+A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in
+a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct
+badges and money in the savings-bank.
+
+"Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a year
+from today in the same frame of mind you shall marry. I'll keep the
+vacancy."
+
+On the anniversary the soldier repeated his request.
+
+"But do you really, after a year, want to marry?" inquired the General
+in a surprised tone.
+
+"Yes, sir; very much."
+
+"Sergeant-Major, take his name down. Yes, you may marry. I never
+believed there was so much constancy in man or woman. Right face; quick
+march!"
+
+As the man left the room, turning his head, he said, "Thank you, sir;
+but it isn't the same woman."
+
+
+
+
+CONTRIBUTION BOX
+
+
+  The parson looks it o'er and frets.
+    It puts him out of sorts
+  To see how many times he gets
+    A penny for his thoughts.
+
+  --_J.J. O'Connell_.
+
+
+There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled way
+at the club guest. "You look like a man I've seen somewhere, Mr.
+Blinker," he said. "Your face seems familiar. I fancy you have a double.
+And a funny thing about it is that I remember I formed a strong
+prejudice against the man who looks like you--although, I'm quite sure,
+we never met."
+
+The little guest softly laughed. "I'm the man," he answered, "and I know
+why you formed the prejudice. I passed the contribution plate for two
+years in the church you attended."
+
+
+The collections had fallen off badly in the colored church and the
+pastor made a short address before the box was passed.
+
+"I don' want any man to gib mo' dan his share, bredern," he said gently,
+"but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab. I say 'rightly
+hab," bredern, because we don't want no tainted money in dis box.
+'Squire Jones tol' me dat he done miss some chickens dis week. Now if
+any of our bredern hab fallen by de wayside in connection wif dose
+chickens let him stay his hand from de box.
+
+"Now, Deacon Smiff, please pass de box while I watch de signs an' see if
+dere's any one in dis congregation dat needs me ter wrastle in prayer
+fer him."
+
+
+A newly appointed Scotch minister on his first Sunday of office had
+reason to complain of the poorness of the collection. "Mon," replied one
+of the elders, "they are close--vera close."
+
+"But," confidentially, "the auld meenister he put three or four
+saxpenses into the plate hissel', just to gie them a start. Of course he
+took the saxpenses awa' with him afterward." The new minister tried the
+same plan, but the next Sunday he again had to report a dismal failure.
+The total collection was not only small, but he was grieved to find that
+his own sixpences were missing. "Ye may be a better preacher than the
+auld meenister," exclaimed the elder, "but if ye had half the knowledge
+o' the world, an' o' yer ain flock in particular, ye'd ha' done what he
+did an' glued the saxpenses to the plate."
+
+
+POLICE COMMISSIONER--"If you were ordered to disperse a mob, what would
+you do?"
+
+APPLICANT--"Pass around the hat, sir."
+
+POLICE COMMISSIONER--"That'll do; you're engaged."
+
+
+"I advertized that the poor were made welcome in this church," said the
+vicar to his congregation, "and as the offertory amounts to ninety-five
+cents, I see that they have come."
+
+
+_See also_ Salvation.
+
+
+
+
+CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm
+and a conversation between two confidence men?"
+
+"Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it up."
+
+"Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is a skinning
+theme."
+
+
+
+
+CONVERSATION
+
+
+"My dog understands every word I say."
+
+"Um."
+
+"Do you doubt it?"
+
+"No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he
+bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it
+perfectly."
+
+
+THE TALL AND AGGRESSIVE ONE--"Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry! You've had
+that phone twenty minutes and not said a word!"
+
+THE SHORT AND MEEK ONE--"Sir, I'm talking to my wife."--_Puck_.
+
+
+HUS (during a quarrel)--"You talk like an idiot."
+
+WIFE--"I've got to talk so you can understand me."
+
+
+Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping tour through New
+England. He discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside rock.
+
+"Fine corn," said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, using a hillside filled
+with straggling stalks as a means of breaking the conversational ice.
+
+"Best in Massachusetts," said the sitter.
+
+"How do you plow that field?" asked Mr. Bacheller. "It is so very
+steep."
+
+"Don't plow it," said the sitter. "When the spring thaws come, the rocks
+rolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant corn."
+
+"And how do you plant it?" asked Mr. Bacheller. The sitter said that he
+didn't plant it, really. He stood in his back door and shot the seed in
+with a shotgun.
+
+"Is that the truth?" asked Bacheller.
+
+"H--ll no," said the sitter, disgusted. "That's conversation."
+
+
+Conversation is the laboratory and workshop of the student.--_Emerson_.
+
+
+A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than
+ten years' study of books.--_Longfellow_.
+
+
+
+
+COOKERY
+
+
+"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in
+the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're
+eating all my pies."
+
+"Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as they
+don't die in the house?"
+
+
+"This is certainly a modern cook-book in every way."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"It says: 'After mixing your bread, you can watch two reels at the
+movies before putting it in the oven.'"--_Puck_.
+
+
+There was recently presented to a newly-married young woman in Baltimore
+such a unique domestic proposition that she felt called upon to seek
+expert advice from another woman, whom she knew to possess considerable
+experience in the cooking line.
+
+"Mrs. Jones," said the first mentioned young woman, as she breathlessly
+entered the apartment of the latter, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I
+must have your advice."
+
+"What is the trouble, my dear?"
+
+"Why, I've just had a 'phone message from Harry, saying that he is going
+out this afternoon to shoot clay pigeons. Now, he's bound to bring a lot
+home, and I haven't the remotest idea how to cook them. Won't you please
+tell me?"--_Taylor Edwards_.
+
+
+Heaven sends us good meat, but the devil sends us cooks.--_David
+Garrick_.
+
+
+
+
+COOKS
+
+
+_See_ Servants.
+
+
+
+
+CORNETS
+
+
+Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on
+Sunday would go to heaven.
+
+The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see why
+he should not, but"--after a pause--"I doubt whether the man next door
+will."
+
+
+
+
+CORNS
+
+
+Great aches from little toe-corns grow.
+
+
+
+
+CORPULENCE
+
+
+The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored
+laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer.
+Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales at
+some three hundred pounds.
+
+"Missus," said the woman, "I'll do your washing, but I'se gwine ter
+charge you double for your husband's shirts."
+
+"Why, what is your reason for that Nancy," questioned the mistress.
+
+"Well," said the laundress, "I don't mind washing fur an ordinary man,
+but I draws de line on circus tents, I sho' do."
+
+
+An employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell in love
+with a handsome German girl. Upon his return to the works, he went to
+Mr. Carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get married he would
+like a little further time off. Mr. Carnegie appeared much interested.
+"Tell me about her," he said. "Is she short or is she tall, slender,
+willowy?"
+
+"Well, Mr. Carnegie," was the answer, "all I can say is that if I'd had
+the rolling of her, I should have given her two or three more passes."
+
+
+A very stout old lady, bustling through the park on a sweltering hot
+day, became aware that she was being closely followed by a rough-looking
+tramp.
+
+"What do you mean by following me in this manner?" she indignantly
+demanded. The tramp slunk back a little. But when the stout lady resumed
+her walk he again took up his position directly behind her.
+
+"See here," she exclaimed, wheeling angrily, "if you don't go away at
+once I shall call a policeman!"
+
+The unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly.
+
+"For Heaven's sake, kind lady, have mercy an' don't call a policeman;
+ye're the only shady spot in the whole park."
+
+
+A jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked if he
+had ever had any very narrow escapes.
+
+"Yes," he replied, his eyes twinkling; "once I fell off my boat at the
+mouth of Bear Creek, and, although I'm an expert swimmer, I guess I'd be
+there now if it hadn't been for my crew. You see the water was just deep
+enough so's to be over my head when I tried to wade out, and just
+shallow enough"--he gave his body an explanatory pat--"so that whenever
+I tried to swim out I dragged bottom."
+
+
+A very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the door
+rose and said: "I will be one of three to give the lady a seat."
+
+
+To our Fat Friends: May their shadows never grow less.
+
+
+_See also_ Dancing.
+
+
+
+
+COSMOPOLITANISM
+
+
+Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New
+York.
+
+"New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the
+addition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell."
+
+He smiled and added:
+
+"Is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a New York cafe? In
+the last one I visited, I saw a Portuguese, a German and an Italian,
+dressed in English clothes and seated at a table of Spanish walnut,
+lunching on Russian caviar, French rolls, Scotch salmon, Welsh rabbit,
+Swiss cheese, Dutch cake and Malaga raisins. They drank China tea and
+Irish whisky."
+
+
+
+
+COST OF LIVING
+
+
+"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?"
+asked the careful mother.
+
+"I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs
+boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like
+that."
+
+
+"Live within your income," was a maxim uttered by Mr. Carnegie on his
+seventy-sixth birthday. This is easy; the difficulty is to live without
+it.--_Satire_.
+
+
+"You say your jewels were stolen while the family was at dinner?"
+
+"No, no! This is an important robbery. Our dinner was stolen while we
+were putting on our jewels."
+
+
+A grouchy butcher, who had watched the price of porterhouse steak climb
+the ladder of fame, was deep in the throes of an unusually bad grouch
+when a would-be customer, eight years old, approached him and handed him
+a penny.
+
+"Please, mister, I want a cent's worth of sausage."
+
+Turning on the youngster with a growl, he let forth this burst of good
+salesmanship:
+
+"Go smell o' the hook!"
+
+
+TOM--"My pa is very religious. He always bows his head and says
+something before meals."
+
+DICK--"Mine always says something when he sits down to eat, but he don't
+bow his head."
+
+TOM--"What does he say?"
+
+DICK--"Go easy on the butter, kids, it's forty cents a pound."
+
+
+
+
+COUNTRY LIFE
+
+
+BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to the
+country?"
+
+MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is there any one here who
+would like to spend a day in the country?"--_Life_.
+
+
+VISITOR--"You have a fine road leading from the station."
+
+SUBUBS--"That's the path worn by servant-girls."
+
+
+_See also_ Commuters; Servants.
+
+
+
+
+COURAGE
+
+
+AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?"
+
+BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was."
+
+AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. And now tell
+me what he did to you."
+
+BEATRICE--"He pulled out two of Willie's teeth!"--_Punch_.
+
+
+He was the small son of a bishop, and his mother was teaching him the
+meaning of courage.
+
+"Supposing," she said, "there were twelve boys in one bedroom, and
+eleven got into bed at once, while the other knelt down to say his
+prayers, that boy would show true courage."
+
+"Oh!" said the young hopeful. "I know something that would be more
+courageous than that! Supposing there were twelve bishops in one
+bedroom, and one got into bed without saying his prayers!"
+
+
+  Courage, the highest gift, that scorns to bend
+  To mean devices for a sordid end.
+  Courage--an independent spark from Heaven's bright throne,
+  By which the soul stands raised, triumphant, high, alone.
+  Great in itself, not praises of the crowd,
+  Above all vice, it stoops not to be proud.
+  Courage, the mighty attribute of powers above,
+  By which those great in war, are great in love.
+  The spring of all brave acts is seated here,
+  As falsehoods draw their sordid birth from fear.
+
+  --_Farquhar_.
+
+
+
+
+COURTESY
+
+
+The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, to
+make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his
+acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight disfigurement, was very vain of
+her personal appearance. His native politeness prompted him to gloss
+over the defect, and, after a moment's reflection, he wrote among the
+items of personal description: "Eyes dark, beautiful, tender,
+expressive, but one of them missing."
+
+
+Mrs. Taft, at a diplomatic dinner, had for a neighbor a distinguished
+French traveler who boasted a little unduly of his nation's politeness.
+
+"We French," the traveler declared, "are the politest people in the
+world. Every one acknowledges it. You Americans are a remarkable nation,
+but the French excel you in politeness. You admit it yourself, don't
+you?"
+
+Mrs. Taft smiled delicately.
+
+"Yes," she said. "That is our politeness."
+
+
+Justice Moody was once riding on the platform of a Boston street car
+standing next to the gate that protected passengers from cars coming on
+the other track. A Boston lady came to the door of the car and, as it
+stopped, started toward the gate, which was hidden from her by the man
+standing before it.
+
+"Other side, lady," said the conductor.
+
+He was ignored as only a born-and-bred Bostonian can ignore a man. The
+lady took another step toward the gate.
+
+"You must get off the other side," said the conductor.
+
+"I wish to get off on this side," came the answer, in tones that
+congealed that official. Before he could explain or expostulate Mr.
+Moody came to his assistance.
+
+"Stand to one side, gentlemen," he remarked quietly. "The lady wishes to
+climb over the gate."
+
+
+
+
+COURTS
+
+
+One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn't
+like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time when the Judge
+ruled against "old Thad," the old man got up with scarlet face and
+quivering lips and commenced tying up his papers as if to quit the
+courtroom.
+
+"Do I understand, Mr. Stevens," asked the Judge, eying "old Thad"
+indignantly, "that you wish to show your contempt for this court?"
+
+"No, sir; no, sir," replied "old Thad." "I don't want to show my
+contempt, sir; I'm trying to conceal it."
+
+
+"It's all right to fine me, Judge," laughed Barrowdale, after the
+proceedings were over, "but just the same you were ahead of me in your
+car, and if I was guilty you were too."
+
+"Ya'as, I know," said the judge with a chuckle, "I found myself guilty
+and hev jest paid my fine into the treasury same ez you."
+
+"Bully for you!" said Barrowdale. "By the way, do you put these fines
+back into the roads?"
+
+"No," said the judge. "They go to the trial jestice in loo o' sal'ry."
+
+
+A stranger came into an Augusta bank the other day and presented a check
+for which he wanted the equivalent in cash.
+
+"Have to be identified," said the clerk.
+
+The stranger took a bunch of letters from his pocket all addressed to
+the same name as that on the check.
+
+The clerk shook his head.
+
+The man thought a minute and pulled out his watch, which bore the name
+on its inside cover.
+
+Clerk hardly glanced at it.
+
+The man dug into his pockets and found one of those
+"If-I-should-die-tonight-please-notify-my-wife" cards, and called the
+clerk's attention to the description, which fitted to a T.
+
+But the clerk was still obdurate.
+
+"Those things don't prove anything," he said. "We've got to have the
+word of a man that we know."
+
+"But, man, I've given you an identification that would convict me of
+murder in any court in the land."
+
+"That's probably very true," responded the clerk, patiently, "but in
+matters connected with the bank we have to be more careful."
+
+
+_See also_ Jury; Witnesses.
+
+
+
+
+COURTSHIP
+
+
+"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first
+girl you ever loved?"
+
+"Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met."
+
+
+     Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran
+     Fell in love with Maria McCann.
+       With a yell and a whoop
+       He cleared the front stoop
+     Just ahead of her papa's brogan.
+
+
+SPOONLEIGH--"Does your sister always look under the bed?"
+
+HER LITTLE BROTHER--"Yes, and when you come to see her she always looks
+under the sofa."--_J.J. O'Connell_.
+
+
+   There was a young man from the West,
+   Who loved a young lady with zest;
+     So hard did he press her
+     To make her say, "Yes, sir,"
+   That he broke three cigars in his vest.
+
+
+"I hope your father does not object to my staying so late," said Mr.
+Stayput as the clock struck twelve.
+
+"Oh, dear, no," replied Miss Dabbs, with difficulty suppressing a yawn,
+"He says you save him the expense of a night-watchman."
+
+
+  There was an old monk of Siberia,
+  Whose existence grew drearier and drearier;
+     He burst from his cell
+     With a hell of a yell,
+   And eloped with the Mother Superior.
+
+
+It was scarcely half-past nine when the rather fierce-looking father of
+the girl entered the parlor where the timid lover was courting her. The
+father had his watch in his hand.
+
+"Young man," he said brusquely, "do you know what time it is?"
+
+"Y-y-yes sir," stuttered the frightened lover, as he scrambled out into
+the hall; "I--I was just going to leave!"
+
+After the beau had made a rapid exit, the father turned to the girl and
+said in astonishment:
+
+"What was the matter with that fellow? My watch has run down, and I
+simply wanted to know the time."
+
+
+"What were you and Mr. Smith talking about in the parlor?" asked her
+mother. "Oh, we were discussing our kith and kin," replied the young
+lady.
+
+The mother look dubiously at her daughter, whereupon her little brother,
+wishing to help his sister, said:
+
+"Yeth they wath, Mother. I heard 'em. Mr. Thmith asked her for a kith
+and she thaid, 'You kin.'"
+
+
+During a discussion of the fitness of things in general some one asked:
+"If a young man takes his best girl to the grand opera, spends $8 on a
+supper after the performance, and then takes her home in a taxicab,
+should he kiss her goodnight?"
+
+An old bachelor who was present growled: "I don't think she ought to
+expect it. Seems to me he has done enough for her."
+
+
+A young woman who was about to wed decided at the last moment to test
+her sweetheart. So, selecting the prettiest girl she knew, she said to
+her, though she knew it was a great risk.
+
+"I'll arrange for Jack to take you out tonight--a walk on the beach in
+the moonlight, a lobster supper and all that sort of thing--and I want
+you, in order to put his fidelity to the proof, to ask him for a kiss."
+
+The other girl laughed, blushed and assented. The dangerous plot was
+carried out. Then the next day the girl in love visited the pretty one
+and said anxiously:
+
+"Well, did you ask him?"
+
+"No, dear."
+
+"No? Why not?"
+
+"I didn't get a chance. He asked me first."
+
+
+Uncle Nehemiah, the proprietor of a ramshackle little hotel in Mobile,
+was aghast at finding a newly arrived guest with his arm around his
+daughter's waist.
+
+"Mandy, tell that niggah to take his arm from around yo' wais'," he
+indignantly commanded.
+
+"Tell him you'self," said Amanda. "He's a puffect stranger to me."
+
+
+"Jack and I have parted forever."
+
+"Good gracious! What does that mean?"
+
+"Means that I'll get a five-pound box of candy in about an hour."
+
+
+  Here's to solitaire with a partner,
+  The only game in which one pair beats three of a kind.
+
+
+_See also_ Love; Proposals.
+
+
+
+
+COWARDS
+
+
+Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house
+the night before.
+
+"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the
+bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out."
+
+"Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar's legs?"
+
+"No, my dear; my husband's legs. He heard the noise, too."
+
+
+MRS. PECK--"Henry, what would you do if burglars broke into our house
+some night?"
+
+MR. PECK (_valiantly_)--"Humph! I should keep perfectly cool, my dear."
+
+And when, a few nights later, burglars _did_ break in, Henry kept his
+promise: he hid in the ice-box.
+
+
+Johnny hasn't been to school long, but he already holds some peculiar
+views regarding the administration of his particular room.
+
+The other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his usually
+smiling face.
+
+"Why, Johnny," said his mother, "what's the matter?"
+
+"I ain't going to that old school no more," he fiercely announced.
+
+"Why, Johnny," said his mother reproachfully, "you mustn't talk like
+that. What's wrong with the school?"
+
+"I ain't goin' there no more," Johnny replied; "an" it's because all th'
+boys in my room is blamed old cowards!"
+
+"Why, Johnny, Johnny!"
+
+"Yes, they are. There was a boy whisperin' this mornin', an' teacher saw
+him an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so many times. An'
+those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor nothin'. They let
+that old teacher bang th' head off th' poor little boy, an' they just
+sat there an' seen her do it!"
+
+"And what did you do, Johnny?"
+
+"I didn't do nothin'--I was the boy!"--_Cleveland Plain Dealer_.
+
+
+A negro came running down the lane as though the Old Boy were after him.
+
+"What are you running for, Mose?" called the colonel from the barn.
+
+"I ain't a-runnin' fo'," shouted back Mose. "I'se a-runnin' from!"
+
+
+
+
+COWS
+
+
+Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit
+to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John.
+A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited.
+
+"Oh, Cousin John, what is that?" he asked.
+
+"Why, that is only a cow," John replied.
+
+"And what are those things on her head?"
+
+"Horns," answered John.
+
+Before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud.
+
+Willie was astounded. Looking back, he demanded, in a very fever of
+interest:
+
+"Which horn did she blow?"
+
+
+   There was an old man who said, "How
+   Shall I flee from this horrible cow?
+     I will sit on this stile
+     And continue to smile,
+   Which may soften the heart of that cow."
+
+
+
+
+CRITICISM
+
+
+FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that new
+pianist's concert last night!"
+
+SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?"
+
+FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!"
+
+
+                               As soon
+   Seek roses in December--ice in June,
+   Hope, constancy in wind, or corn in chaff;
+   Believe a woman or an epitaph,
+   Or any other thing that's false, before
+   You trust in critics.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.--_Disraeli_.
+
+
+_See also_ Dramatic criticism.
+
+
+
+
+CRUELTY
+
+
+"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase of
+flowers."
+
+"I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A."
+
+
+
+
+CUCUMBERS
+
+
+Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does its
+best fighting till it's down.--Stanford Chaparral.
+
+
+
+
+CULTURE
+
+
+_See_ Kultur.
+
+
+
+
+CURFEW
+
+
+A former resident of Marshall, Mo., was asking about the old town.
+
+"I understand they have a curfew law out there now," he said.
+
+"No," his informant answered, "they did have one, but they abandoned
+it."
+
+"What was the matter?"
+
+"Well, the bell rang at 9 o'clock, and almost everyone complained that
+it woke them up."
+
+
+
+
+CURIOSITY
+
+
+The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a
+woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and
+fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was
+suspended in mid-air. The minister noticed her undignified position and
+thundered at the congregation:
+
+"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck
+stone-blind."
+
+A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who dreaded
+the clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion and said:
+
+"I'm going to risk one eye."
+
+
+A one-armed man entered a restaurant at noon and seated himself next to
+a dapper little other-people's-business man. The latter at once noticed
+his neighbor's left sleeve hanging loose and kept eying it in a
+how-did-it-happen sort of a way. The one-armed man paid no attention to
+him but kept on eating with his one hand. Finally the inquisitive one
+could stand it no longer. He changed his position a little, cleared his
+throat, and said: "I beg pardon, sir, but I see you have lost an arm."
+
+The one-armed man picked up his sleeve with his right hand and peered
+anxiously into it. "Bless my soul!" he exclaimed, looking up with great
+surprise. "I do believe you're right."
+
+
+_See also_ Wives.
+
+
+
+
+CYCLONES
+
+
+_See_ Windfalls.
+
+
+
+
+DACHSHUNDS
+
+
+A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his
+mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial
+conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?"
+
+"Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad.
+
+"Where is he?" questioned the dominic, knowing the way to a boy's heart.
+
+"Father sends him away for the winter. He says it takes him so long to
+go in and out of the door he cools the whole house off."
+
+
+
+
+DAMAGES
+
+
+A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty,
+accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs.
+Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion.
+
+When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Delehanty's troubles, the
+lawyer said:
+
+"You want to get damages, I suppose?"
+
+"Damages! Damages!" came in shrill tones from Mrs. Delehanty. "Haven't I
+got damages enough already, man? What I'm after is satisfaction."
+
+
+A Chicago man who was a passenger on a train that met with an accident
+not far from that city tells of a curious incident that he witnessed in
+the car wherein he was sitting.
+
+Just ahead of him were a man and his wife. Suddenly the train was
+derailed, and went bumping down a steep hill. The man evinced signs of
+the greatest terror; and when the car came to a stop he carefully
+examined himself to learn whether he had received any injury. After
+ascertaining that he was unhurt, he thought of his wife and damages.
+
+"Are you hurt, dear?" he asked.
+
+"No, thank Heaven!" was the grateful response.
+
+"Look here, then," continued hubby, "I'll tell you what we'll do. You
+let me black your eye, and we'll soak the company good for damages! It
+won't hurt you much. I'll give you just one good punch." _--Howard
+Morse_.
+
+
+Up in Minnesota Mr. Olsen had a cow killed by a railroad train. In due
+season the claim agent for the railroad called.
+
+"We understand, of course, that the deceased was a very docile and
+valuable animal," said the claim agent in his most persuasive
+claim-agentlemanly manner "and we sympathize with you and your family in
+your loss. But, Mr. Olsen, you must remember this: Your cow had no
+business being upon our tracks. Those tracks are our private property
+and when she invaded them, she became a trespasser. Technically
+speaking, you, as her owner, became a trespasser also. But we have no
+desire to carry the issue into court and possibly give you trouble. Now
+then, what would you regard as a fair settlement between you and the
+railroad company?"
+
+"Vail," said Mr. Olsen slowly, "Ay bane poor Swede farmer, but Ay shall
+give you two dollars."
+
+
+
+
+DANCING
+
+
+He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so his
+friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final?
+
+"Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I still love it, and I've
+merely stopped until I can find a concave lady for a partner."
+
+
+George Bernard Shaw was recently entertained at a house party. While the
+other guests were dancing, one of the onlookers called Mr. Shaw's
+attention to the awkward dancing of a German professor.
+
+"Really horrid dancing, isn't it, Mr. Shaw?"
+
+G.B.S. was not at a loss for the true Shavian response. "Oh that's not
+dancing" he answered. "That's the New Ethical Movement!"
+
+
+On a journey through the South not long ago, Wu Ting Fang was impressed
+by the preponderance of negro labor in one of the cities he visited.
+Wherever the entertainment committee led him, whether to factory, store
+or suburban plantation, all the hard work seemed to be borne by the
+black men.
+
+Minister Wu made no comment at the time, but in the evening when he was
+a spectator at a ball given in his honor, after watching the waltzing
+and two-stepping for half an hour, he remarked to his host:
+
+"Why don't you make the negroes do that for you, too?"
+
+
+  If they had danced the tango and the trot
+    In days of old, there is no doubt we'd find
+  The poet would have written--would he not?--
+   "On with the dance, let joy be unrefined!"
+
+  --_J.J. O'Connell_.
+
+
+
+
+DEAD BEATS
+
+
+See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts.
+
+
+
+
+DEBTS
+
+
+A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Two
+friends, who were on their way to California, were among the passengers.
+
+"Here's where we lose all our money," one said, as a robber entered the
+car.
+
+"You don't think they'll take everything, do you?" the other asked
+nervously.
+
+"Certainly," the first replied. "These fellows never miss anything."
+
+"That will be terrible," the second friend said. "Are you quite sure
+they won't leave us any money?" he persisted.
+
+"Of course," was the reply. "Why do you ask?"
+
+The other was silent for a minute. Then, taking a fifty-dollar note from
+his pocket, he handed it to his friend.
+
+"What is this for?" the first asked, taking the money.
+
+"That's the fifty dollars I owe you," the other answered. "Now we're
+square."--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_.
+
+
+WILLIS--"He calls himself a dynamo."
+
+GILLIS--"No wonder; everything he has on is charged."--_Judge_.
+
+
+   Anticipated rents, and bills unpaid,
+   Force many a shining youth into the shade,
+   Not to redeem his time, but his estate,
+   And play the fool, but at the cheaper rate.
+
+   --_Cowper_.
+
+
+I hold every man a debtor to his profession.--_Bacon_.
+
+
+
+
+DEER
+
+
+   "The deer's a mighty useful beast
+     From Petersburg to Tennyson
+   For while he lives he lopes around
+     And when he's dead he's venison."
+
+   --_Ellis Parker Butler_.
+
+
+
+
+DEGREES
+
+
+   A young theologian named Fiddle
+     Refused to accept his degree;
+   "For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle,
+     Without being Fiddle D.D."
+
+
+
+
+DEMOCRACY
+
+
+"Why are you so vexed, Irma?"
+
+"I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social Equality
+League, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the audacity to call me
+to order three times."--_M. L. Hayward_.
+
+
+_See also_ Ancestry.
+
+
+
+
+DEMOCRATIC PARTY
+
+
+HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward
+or a--"
+
+MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic."
+
+
+
+
+DENTISTRY
+
+
+Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and
+there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and he
+held out a baby tooth.
+
+"How did you pull it?" demanded his mother.
+
+"Oh," he said bravely, "it was easy enough. I just fell down, and the
+whole world came up and pushed it out."
+
+
+
+
+DENTISTS
+
+
+The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain
+employment for his own.
+
+
+One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That
+night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to
+hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our
+dentists."--_Everybody's_.
+
+
+One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade, because his
+trade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man
+gets his living.--_Haglitt_.
+
+
+
+
+DESCRIPTION
+
+
+A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowy
+figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must have been
+raised in the lumber regions.--_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_.
+
+
+
+
+DESIGN, DECORATIVE
+
+
+Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace
+she had just crocheted.
+
+"Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned.
+
+"Out of my head," she answered lightly.
+
+"Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked anxiously.--_C. Hilton
+Turvey_.
+
+
+
+
+DESTINATION
+
+
+A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, has
+succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitement
+to the names of the national capitol's streets. On a recent Sunday
+morning he was calling the streets thus:
+
+"Haitch!"
+
+"High!"
+
+"Jay!"
+
+"Kay!"
+
+"Hell!"
+
+At this point three prim ladies picked up their prayer-books and left
+the car.--_Lippincott's Magazine_.
+
+
+Andrew Lang once invited a friend to dinner when he was staying in
+Marlowe's road, Earl's Court, a street away at the end of that long
+Cromwell road, which seems to go on forever. The guest was not very
+sure how to get there, so Lang explained:
+
+"Walk right' along Cromwell road," he said, "till you drop dead and my
+house is just opposite!"
+
+
+
+
+DETAILS
+
+
+Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the
+importance of detail.
+
+"Those who work for me," he said, "follow my directions down to the very
+smallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often to go
+altogether wrong--like the dissipated husband.
+
+"A dissipated husband as he stood before his house in the small hours
+searching for his latchkey, muttered to himself:
+
+"'Now which did my wife say--hic--have two whishkies an' get home by 12,
+or--hic--have twelve whishkies an' get home by 2?'"
+
+
+
+
+DETECTIVES
+
+
+When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly
+recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the great
+literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully:
+
+"If you please, sir, I should much prefer a ticket to your lecture. If
+you should have none with you a visiting-card penciled by yourself would
+do."
+
+Conan Doyle laughed.
+
+"Tell me," he said, "how did you know who I was, and I will give you
+tickets for your whole family."
+
+"Thank you sir," was the reply. "Why, we all knew--that is, all the
+members of the Cabmen's Literary Guild knew--that you were coming by
+this train. I happen to be the only member on duty at the station this
+morning. If you will excuse personal remarks your coat lapels are badly
+twisted downward where they have been grasped by the pertinacious New
+York reporters. Your hair has the Quakerish cut of a Philadelphia
+barber, and your hat, battered at the brim in front, shows where you
+have tightly grasped it in the struggle to stand your ground at a
+Chicago literary luncheon. Your right overshoe has a large block of
+Buffalo mud just under the instep, the odor of a Utica cigar hangs about
+your clothing, and the overcoat itself shows the slovenly brushing of
+the porters of the through sleepers from Albany, and stenciled upon the
+very end of the 'Wellington' in fairly plain lettering is your name,
+'Conan Doyle.'"
+
+
+
+
+DETERMINATION
+
+
+After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said to
+have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democratic merchant:
+
+MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead."
+
+BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's gone at last."
+
+MERCHANT (_not appreciating the shrug_)--"Well, sir, he was a good man."
+
+BROKER (_with shrug more pronounced_)--"I don't know about that."
+
+MERCHANT (_energetically_)--"He was a good man, sir. If any man has
+gone to heaven, General Jackson has gone to heaven."
+
+BROKER (_doggedly_)--"I don't know about that."
+
+MERCHANT--"Well, sir, I tell you that if Andrew Jackson had made up his
+mind to go to heaven, you may depend upon it he's there."
+
+
+
+
+DIAGNOSIS
+
+
+An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and
+was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned
+to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written:
+
+"This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plain
+fit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice."
+
+
+
+
+DIET
+
+
+Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet.--_William Gilmore
+Beymer_.
+
+
+  There was a young lady named Perkins,
+  Who had a great fondness for gherkins;
+    She went to a tea
+    And ate twenty-three,
+  Which pickled her internal workin's.
+
+
+"Mother," asked the little one, on the occasion of a number of guests
+being present at dinner, "will the dessert hurt me, or is there enough
+to go round?"
+
+
+The doctor told him he needed carbohydrates, proteids, and above all,
+something nitrogenous. The doctor mentioned a long list of foods for him
+to eat. He staggered out and wabbled into a Penn avenue restaurant.
+
+"How about beefsteak?" he asked the waiter. "Is that nitrogenous?"
+
+The waiter didn't know.
+
+"Are fried potatoes rich in carbohydrates or not?"
+
+The waiter couldn't say.
+
+"Well, I'll fix it," declared the poor man in despair. "Bring me a large
+plate of hash."
+
+
+   A Colonel, who used to assert
+   That naught his digestion could hurt,
+     Was forced to admit
+     That his weak point was hit
+   When they gave him hot shot for dessert.
+
+
+To abstain that we may enjoy is the epicurianism of reason.--_Rousseau_.
+
+
+They are as sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve with
+nothing.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+DILEMMAS
+
+
+A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate
+supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in every
+political "heated term."
+
+Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of the
+western mountains, two hardy prospectors fell in with a bull bison that
+seemed to have been separated from his kind and run amuck. One of the
+prospectors took to the branches of a tree and the other dived into a
+cave. The buffalo bellowed at the entrance to the cavern and then turned
+toward the tree. Out came the man from the cave, and the buffalo took
+after him again. The man made another dive for the hole. After this had
+been repeated several times, the man in the tree called to his comrade,
+who was trembling at the mouth of the cavern:
+
+"Stay in the cave, you idiot!"
+
+"You don't know nothing about this hole," bawled the other. "There's a
+bear in it!"
+
+
+
+
+DINING
+
+
+A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic
+marathon.--_John E. Rosser_.
+
+
+"That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, turn
+over, and do such queer stunts."
+
+"I am not surprised; he never did have good table manners."
+
+
+"Chakey, Chakey," called the big sister as she stood in the doorway and
+looked down the street toward the group of small boys: "Chakey, come in
+alreaty and eat youseself. Maw she's on the table and Paw he's half et."
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Cork,
+  Whose Pa made a fortune in pork;
+    He bought for his daughter
+    A tutor who taught her
+  To balance green peas on her fork.
+
+
+An anecdote about Dr. Randall Davidson, bishop of Winchester, is that
+after an ecclesiastical function, as the clergy were trooping in to
+luncheon, an unctuous archdeacon observed: "This is the time to put a
+bridle on our appetites!"
+
+"Yes," replied the bishop, "this is the time to put a bit in our
+mouths!"--_Christian Life_.
+
+
+  There was a young lady named Maud,
+  A very deceptive young fraud;
+    She never was able
+    To eat at the table,
+  But out in the pantry--O Lord!
+
+
+"Father's trip abroad did him so much good," said the self-made man's
+daughter. "He looks better, feels better, and as for appetite--honestly,
+it would just do your heart good to hear him eat!"
+
+
+Whistler, the artist, was one day invited to dinner at a friend's house
+and arrived at his destination two hours late.
+
+"How extraordinary!" he exclaimed, as he walked into the dining-room
+where the company was seated at the table; "really, I should think you
+might have waited a bit--why, you're just like a lot of pigs with your
+eating!"
+
+
+  A macaroon,
+    A cup of tea,
+  An afternoon,
+    Is all that she
+  Will eat;
+    She's in society.
+
+  But let me take
+    This maiden fair
+  To some cafe,
+    And, then and there,
+  She'll eat the whole
+    Blame bill of fare.
+
+  --_The Mystic Times_.
+
+
+The small daughter of the house was busily setting the tables for
+expected company when her mother called to her:
+
+"Put down three forks at each place, dear."
+
+Having made some observations on her own account when the expected
+guests had dined with her mother before, she inquired thoughtfully:
+
+"Shall I give Uncle John three knives?"
+
+
+For a man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than he does
+of his dinner--_Samuel Johnson_.
+
+
+
+DIPLOMACY
+
+
+WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home."
+
+HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The one
+with the soulful eyes and--"
+
+WIFE--"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done,
+dear. On second thought, I won't bother you."
+
+
+Scripture tells us that a soft answer turneth away wrath. A witty
+repartee sometimes helps one immensely also.
+
+When Richard Olney was secretary of state he frequently gave expression
+to the opinion that appointees to the consular service should speak the
+language of the countries to which they were respectively accredited. It
+is said that when a certain breezy and enterprising western politician
+who was desirous of serving the Cleveland administration in the capacity
+of consul of the Chinese ports presented his papers to Mr. Olney, the
+secretary remarked:
+
+"Are you aware, Mr. Blank, that I never recommend to the President the
+appointment of a consul unless he speaks the language of the country to
+which he desires to go? Now, I suppose you do not speak Chinese?"
+
+Whereupon the westerner grinned broadly. "If, Mr. Secretary," said he,
+"you will ask me a question in Chinese, I shall be happy to answer it."
+He got the appointment.
+
+
+"Miss de Simpson," said the young secretary of legation, "I have opened
+negotiations with your father upon the subject of--er--coming to see you
+oftener, with a view ultimately to forming an alliance, and he has
+responded favorably. May I ask if you will ratify the arrangement, as a
+_modus vivendi?_"
+
+"Mr. von Harris," answered the daughter of the eminent diplomat, "don't
+you think it would have been a more graceful recognition of my
+administrative entity if you had asked me first?"
+
+
+   I call'd the devil and he came,
+     And with wonder his form did I closely scan;
+   He is not ugly, and is not lame,
+     But really a handsome and charming man.
+   A man in the prime of life is the devil,
+   Obliging, a man of the world, and civil;
+   A diplomatist too, well skill'd in debate,
+   He talks quite glibly of church and state.
+
+  --_Heine_.
+
+
+
+
+DISCIPLINE
+
+
+_See_ Military discipline; Parents.
+
+
+
+
+DISCOUNTS
+
+
+A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets
+of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a traveling
+salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished out $200, but
+rapidly took $4 from the pile and placed it in his vest pocket.
+
+"What do you mean by that?" asked the robber, as he toyed with his
+revolver. Hurriedly came the answer: "Mine frent, you surely vould not
+refuse me two per zent discount on a strictly cash transaction like
+dis?"
+
+
+
+
+DISCRETION
+
+
+When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club.
+
+
+
+
+DISPOSITION
+
+
+One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to
+animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing of
+a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" he
+wrote: "Kind and gentle."
+
+There was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered. He was
+always cross.
+
+
+
+
+DISTANCES
+
+
+A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling
+prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and
+the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next
+town.
+
+A rancher rode past.
+
+"Say, friend," called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next
+town?"
+
+"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher.
+Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
+
+"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
+
+"Oh, a good two miles."
+
+A weary half-hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher.
+
+"Hey, how far's the next town?"
+
+"Not far," was the encouraging answer. "Only about two miles."
+
+"Well," sighed an optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holdin' our
+own, anyhow!"
+
+
+
+
+DIVORCE
+
+
+"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week
+what would you call it?"
+
+"Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_.
+
+
+
+
+DOGS
+
+
+LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The
+poor little darling, where did you find him?"
+
+TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the
+windows wiv 'im!"
+
+
+A family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were told that
+they should get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So they
+bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a neighboring
+dog fancier, who was a German. Shortly afterward the house was entered
+by burglars who made a good haul, while the big dog slept. The man went
+to the dog fancier and told him about it.
+
+"Veil, vat you need now," said the dog merchant, "is a leedle dog to
+vake up the big dog."
+
+
+  "Dogs is mighty useful beasts
+    They might seem bad at first
+  They might seem worser right along
+    But when they're dead
+          They're wurst."
+
+  --_Ellis Parker Butler_.
+
+
+"My dog took first prize at the cat show."
+
+"How was that?"
+
+"He took the cat."--_Judge_.
+
+
+FAIR VISITOR--"Why are you giving Fido's teeth such a thorough
+brushing?"
+
+FOND MISTRESS--"Oh! The poor darling's just bitten some horrid person,
+and, really, you know, one can't be too careful."--_Life_.
+
+
+"Do you know that that bulldog of yours killed my wife's little
+harmless, affectionate poodle?"
+
+"Well, what are you going to do about it?"
+
+"Would you be offended if I was to present him with a nice brass
+collar?"
+
+
+  Fleshy Miss Muffet
+  Sat down on Tuffet,
+    A very good dog in his way;
+  When she saw what she'd done,
+  She started to run--
+    And Tuffet was buried next day.
+
+  --_L.T.H_.
+
+
+William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R.
+I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog
+ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kicked
+the animal halfway across the tracks, and was immediately confronted by
+the owner, who demanded an explanation in language more forcible than
+courteous.
+
+"Why," said Stevens when the other paused for breath, "your dog's mad."
+
+"Mad! Mad! You double-dyed blankety-blank fool, he ain't mad!"
+
+"Oh, ain't he?" cut in Stevens. "Gosh! I should be if any one kicked me
+like that!"
+
+
+One would have it that a collie is the most sagacious of dogs, while the
+other stood up for the setter.
+
+"I once owned a setter," declared the latter, "which was very
+intelligent. I had him on the street one day, and he acted so queerly
+about a certain man we met that I asked the man his name, and--"
+
+"Oh, that's an old story!" the collie's advocate broke in sneeringly.
+"The man's name was Partridge, of course, and because of that the dog
+came to a set. Ho, ho! Come again!"
+
+"You're mistaken," rejoined the other suavely. "The dog didn't come
+quite to a set, though almost. As a matter of fact, the man's name was
+Quayle, and the dog hesitated on account of the spelling!"--_P. R.
+Benson_.
+
+
+The more one sees of men the more one likes dogs.
+
+
+_See also_ Dachshunds.
+
+
+
+
+DOMESTIC FINANCE
+
+
+"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist
+himself."
+
+"As to how?"
+
+"Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found it out
+yet."--_Washington Herald_.
+
+
+A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her little boy the story of a
+young lad whose father was taken ill and died, after which he set
+himself diligently to work to support himself and his mother. When she
+had finished her story she said:
+
+"Dear Billy, if your papa were to die, would you work to support your
+dear mamma?"
+
+"Naw!" said Billy unexpectedly.
+
+"But why not?"
+
+"Ain't we got a good house to live in?"
+
+"Yes, dearie, but we can't eat the house, you know."
+
+"Ain't there a lot o' stuff in the pantry?"
+
+"Yes, but that won't last forever."
+
+"It'll last till you git another husband, won't it? You're a pretty good
+looker, ma!"
+
+Mamma gave up right there.
+
+
+"I am sending you a thousand kisses," he wrote to his fair young wife
+who was spending her first month away from him. Two days later he
+received the following telegram: "Kisses received. Landlord refuses to
+accept any of them on account." Then he woke up and forwarded a check.
+
+
+_See also_ Trouble.
+
+
+
+
+DOMESTIC RELATIONS
+
+
+  There was a young man of Dunbar,
+  Who playfully poisoned his Ma;
+    When he'd finished his work,
+    He remarked with a smirk,
+  "This will cause quite a family jar."
+
+
+_See also_ Families; Marriage.
+
+
+
+
+DRAMA
+
+
+The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the
+second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity.--_Eugene
+Walter_.
+
+
+The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't having a
+good time. He cared nothing for the Shakespearean drama.
+
+"What's the greatest play you ever saw?" the young woman asked,
+observing his abstraction.
+
+Instantly he brightened.
+
+"Tinker touching a man out between second and third and getting the ball
+over to Chance in time to nab the runner to first!" he said.
+
+
+LARRY--"I like Professor Whatishisname in Shakespeare. He brings things
+home to you that you never saw before."
+
+HARRY--"Huh! I've got a laundryman as good as that."
+
+
+I think I love and reverence all arts equally, only putting my own just
+above the others.... To me it seems as if when God conceived the world,
+that was Poetry; He formed it, and that was Sculpture; He colored it,
+and that was Painting; He peopled it with living beings, and that was
+the grand, divine, eternal Drama.--_Charlotte Cushman_.
+
+
+Two women were leaving the theater after a performance of "The Doll's
+House."
+
+"Oh, don't you _love_ Ibsen?" asked one, ecstatically. "Doesn't he just
+take all the hope out of life?"
+
+
+
+
+DRAMATIC CRITICISM
+
+
+Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism.
+
+"I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard in the
+lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the play."
+
+"The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, which was for his
+wife's ears alone, consisted of these words:
+
+"'Well, you would come!'"
+
+
+Nat Goodwin, the American comedian, when at the Shaftesbury Theatre,
+London, told of an experience he once had with a juvenile deadhead in a
+town in America. Standing outside the theater a little time before the
+performance was due to begin he observed a small boy with an anxious,
+forlorn look on his face and a weedy-looking pup in his arms.
+
+Goodwin inquired what was the matter, and was told that the boy wished
+to sell the dog so as to raise the price of a seat in the gallery. The
+actor suspected at once a dodge to secure a pass on the "sympathy
+racket," but allowing himself to be taken in he gave the boy a pass. The
+dog was deposited in a safe place and the boy was able to watch Goodwin
+as the Gilded Fool from a good seat in the gallery. Next day Goodwin saw
+the boy again near the theater, so he asked:
+
+"Well, sonny, how did you like the show?"
+
+"I'm glad I didn't sell my dog," was the reply.
+
+
+
+
+DRAMATISTS
+
+
+"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards."
+
+"Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snow
+storm scene."
+
+
+"So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" remarked the
+tourist.
+
+"Yes," replied the manager of the Frozen Dog Opera House. "He's got a
+five-mile start and I don't think the boys kin ketch him."--_Life_.
+
+
+We all know the troubles of a dramatist are many and varied.
+
+Here's an advertisement taken from a morning paper that shows to what a
+pass a genius may come in a great city:
+
+"Wanted--A collaborator, by a young playwright. The play is already
+written; collaborator to furnish board and bed until play is produced."
+
+
+
+
+DRESSMAKERS
+
+
+WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter."
+
+HUSBAND--"What letter?"
+
+WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the
+writing, and you turned pale when you saw it."
+
+HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill."
+
+
+
+
+DRINKING
+
+
+  He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober,
+  Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October;
+  But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow,
+  Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow.
+
+  --_Parody on Fletcher_.
+
+
+
+I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no
+occasion.--_Cervantes_.
+
+I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could wish courtesy
+would invent some other custom of entertainment.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+  The Frenchman loves his native wine;
+    The German loves his beer;
+  The Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf,
+    Because it brings good cheer;
+  The Irishman loves his "whiskey straight,"
+    Because it gives him dizziness;
+  The American has no choice at all,
+    So he drinks the whole blamed business.
+
+
+A young Englishman came to Washington and devoted his days and nights to
+an earnest endeavor to drink all the Scotch whiskey there was. He
+couldn't do it, and presently went to a doctor, complaining of a
+disordered stomach.
+
+"Quit drinking!" ordered the doctor.
+
+"But, my dear sir, I cawn't. I get so thirsty."
+
+"Well," said the doctor, "whenever you are thirsty eat an apple instead
+of taking a drink."
+
+The Englishman paid his fee and left. He met a friend to whom he told
+his experience.
+
+"Bally rot!" he protested. "Fawncy eating forty apples a day!"
+
+
+If you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you think is
+wholesome, you may say "you wish you could, but so little makes you both
+drunk and sick; that you should only be bad company by doing so."--_Lord
+Chesterfield_.
+
+
+There is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the slip.--_Judge_.
+
+
+One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year's
+resolution.--_Life_.
+
+
+DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink."
+
+SANDY (with brightening face)--"Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor! Anything
+you've got with ye."
+
+
+  Here's to the girls of the American shore,
+  I love but one, I love no more,
+  Since she's not here to drink her part,
+  I'll drink her share with all my heart.
+
+
+A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine recently,
+when news reached him of an addition to his family circle. The happy
+father immediately provided himself with some water from the Jordan to
+carry home for the christening of the infant, and returned to Scotland.
+
+On the Sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly presented himself at
+the church, and sought out the beadle in order to hand over the precious
+water to his care. He pulled the flask from his pocket, but the beadle
+held up a warning hand, and came nearer to whisper:
+
+"No the noo, sir; no the noo! Maybe after the kirk's oot!"
+
+
+When President Eliot of Harvard was in active service as head of the
+university, reports came to him that one of his young charges was in the
+habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him, and President
+Eliot determined to do his duty and look into the matter.
+
+Meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly after
+breakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded, "Young
+man, do you drink?"
+
+"Why, why, why," stammered the young man, "why, President Eliot, not so
+early in the morning, thank you."
+
+
+WIFE (on auto tour)--"That fellow back there said there is a road-house
+a few miles down the road. Shall we stop there?"
+
+HUSBAND--"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?"
+
+
+A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish
+parishioners to get a shave. He observed the barber was suffering from a
+recent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few moments the
+barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek. "There, Pat, you have cut
+me," said the priest as he raised his hand and caressed the wound. "Yis,
+y'r riv'rance," answered the barber. "That shows you," continued the
+priest, in a tone of censure, "what the use of liquor will do." "Yis,
+y'r riv'rance," replied the barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender."
+
+
+Ex-congressman Asher G. Caruth, of Kentucky, tells this story of an
+experience he once had on a visit to a little Ohio town.
+
+"I went up there on legal business," he says, "and, knowing that I
+should have to stay all night, I proceeded directly to the only hotel.
+The landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a kindly air as
+I registered. It seems that he was a little hard of hearing, a fact of
+which I was not aware. As I jabbed the pen back into the dish of bird
+shot, I said:
+
+"'Can you direct me to the bank?'
+
+"He looked at me blankly for a second, then swinging the register
+around, he glanced down swiftly, caught the 'Louisville' after my name,
+and an expression of complete understanding lighting up his countenance,
+he said:
+
+"'Certainly, sir. You will find the bar right through that door at the
+left.'"
+
+
+_See also_ Drunkards; Good fellowship; Temperance; Wine.
+
+
+
+
+DROUGHTS
+
+
+Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona,
+noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country.
+
+"Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives.
+
+"Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's bullfrogs in
+this yere town over five years old that hain't learned to swim yet!"
+
+
+
+
+DRUNKARDS
+
+
+  Sing a song of sick gents,
+  Pockets full of rye,
+  Four and twenty highballs,
+  We wish that we might die.
+
+
+Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out
+nearly all night.
+
+"Don't your wife miss you on these occasions?" asked one.
+
+"Not often," replied the other; "she throws pretty straight."
+
+
+"Where's old Four-Fingered Pete?" asked Alkali Ike. "I ain't seen him
+around here since I got back."
+
+"Pete?" said the bartender. "Oh, he went up to Hyena Tongue and got
+jagged. Went up to a hotel winder, stuck his head in and hollered
+'Fire!' and everybody did."
+
+
+The Irish talent for repartee has an amusing illustration in Lord
+Rossmore's recent book "Things I Can Tell." While acting as magistrate
+at an Irish village, Lord Rossmore said to an old offender brought
+before him: "You here again?" "Yes, your honor." "What's brought you
+here?" "Two policemen, your honor." "Come, come, I know that--drunk
+again, I suppose?" "Yes, your honor, both of them."
+
+
+The colonel came down to breakfast New Year's morning with a bandaged
+hand.
+
+"Why, colonel, what's the matter?" they asked.
+
+"Confound it all!" the colonel answered, "we had a little party last
+night, and one of the younger men got intoxicated and stepped on my
+hand."
+
+
+MAGISTRATE--"And what was the prisoner doing?"
+
+CONSTABLE--"E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab driver, yer
+worship."
+
+MAGISTRATE--"But that doesn't prove he was drunk."
+
+CONSTABLE--"Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer worship."
+
+
+A Scotch minister and his servant, who were coming home from a wedding,
+began to consider the state into which their potations at the wedding
+feast had left them.
+
+"Sandy," said the minister, "just stop a minute here till I go ahead.
+Maybe I don't walk very steady and the good wife might remark something
+not just right."
+
+He walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then asked:
+
+"How is it? Am I walking straight?"
+
+"Oh, ay," answered Sandy thickly, "ye're a' recht--but who's that who's
+with ye."
+
+
+A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most
+vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman.
+
+"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one.
+
+"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I know
+she'sh home all right--I shee a light upshtairs."
+
+
+A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful brow
+boarded a New York elevated train and took the only unoccupied seat. The
+man next him had evidently been drinking. For a while the little man
+contented himself with merely sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor,
+but finally he summoned the guard.
+
+"Conductor," he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken people to
+ride upon this train?"
+
+"No, sir," replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But don't say a
+word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me I'd never have
+noticed ye."
+
+
+A noisy bunch tacked out of their club late one night, and up the
+street. They stopped in front of an imposing residence. After
+considerable discussion one of them advanced and pounded on the door. A
+woman stuck her head out of a second-story window and demanded, none too
+sweetly: "What do you want?"
+
+"Ish thish the residence of Mr. Smith?" inquired the man on the steps,
+with an elaborate bow.
+
+"It is. What do you want?"
+
+"Ish it possible I have the honor of speakin' to Misshus Smith?"
+
+"Yes. What do you want?"
+
+"Dear Misshus Smith! Good Misshus Smith! Will you--hic--come down an'
+pick out Mr. Smith? The resh of us want to go home."
+
+
+That clever and brilliant genius, McDougall, who represented California
+in the United States Senate, was like many others of his class somewhat
+addicted to fiery stimulants, and unable to battle long with them
+without showing the effect of the struggle. Even in his most exhausted
+condition he was, however, brilliant at repartee; but one night, at a
+supper of journalists given to the late George D. Prentice, a genius of
+the same mold and the same unfortunate habit, he found a foeman worthy
+of his steel in General John Cochrane. McDougall had taken offense at
+some anti-slavery sentiments which had been uttered--it was in war
+times--and late in the evening got on his legs for the tenth time to
+make a reply. The spirit did not move him to utterance, however; on the
+contrary, it quite deprived him of the power of speech; and after an
+ineffectual attempt at speech he suddenly concluded:
+
+"Those are my sentiments, sir, and my name's McDougall."
+
+"I beg the gentleman's pardon," said General Cochrane, springing to his
+feet; "but what was that last remark?"
+
+McDougall pronounced it again; "my name's McDougall."
+
+"There must be some error," said Cochrane, gravely. "I have known Mr.
+McDougall many years, and there never was a time when as late as twelve
+o'clock at night he knew what his name was."
+
+
+On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old German and his youngest son were
+seated in the village inn. The father had partaken liberally of the
+home-brewed beer, and was warning his son against the evils of
+intemperance. "Never drink too much, my son. A gentleman stops when he
+has enough. To be drunk is a disgrace."
+
+"Yes, Father, but how can I tell when I have enough or am drunk?"
+
+The old man pointed with his finger. "Do you see those two men sitting
+in the corner? If you see four men there, you would be drunk."
+
+The boy looked long and earnestly. "Yes, Father, but--but--there is only
+one man in that corner."--_W. Karl Hilbrich_.
+
+
+William R. Hearst, who never touches liquor, had several men in
+important positions on his newspapers who were not strangers to
+intoxicants. Mr. Hearst has a habit of appearing at his office at
+unexpected times and summoning his chiefs of departments for
+instructions. One afternoon he sent for Mr. Blank.
+
+"He hasn't come down yet, sir," reported the office boy.
+
+"Please tell Mr. Dash I want to see him."
+
+"He hasn't come down yet either."
+
+"Well, find Mr. Star or Mr. Sun or Mr. Moon--anybody; I want to see one
+of them at once."
+
+"Ain't none of 'em here yet, sir. You see there was a celebration last
+night and--"
+
+Mr. Hearst sank back in his chair and remarked in his quiet way:
+
+"For a man who don't drink I think I suffer more from the effects of it
+than anybody in the world."
+
+
+"What is a drunken man like, Fool?"
+
+"Like a drowned man, a fool and a madman: one draught above heat makes
+him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him."--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+DYSPEPSIA
+
+
+"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia."
+
+"And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look
+healthy enough."
+
+"Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has."
+
+
+
+
+ECHOES
+
+
+An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of
+the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor,
+produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned
+clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the
+Yankee exclaimed:
+
+"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country."
+
+"Oh, I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. Why
+in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out of my
+window and call out, 'Time to get up: wake up!' and eight hours
+afterward the echo comes back and wakes me."
+
+
+
+
+ECONOMY
+
+
+An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some
+other person's expenses.
+
+
+Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some
+day, want something which you probably won't want.--_Anthony Hope_.
+
+
+Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it.
+
+
+Ther's lots o' difference between thrift an' tryin' t' revive a last
+year's straw hat.--_Abe Martin_.
+
+
+Economy is a great revenue.--_Cicero_.
+
+
+_See also_ Domestic finance; Saving; Thrift.
+
+
+
+
+EDITORS
+
+
+Recipe for an editor:
+
+  Take a personal hatred of authors,
+    Mix this with a fiendish delight
+  In refusing all efforts of genius
+    And maiming all poets on sight.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+The city editor of a great New York daily was known in the newspaper
+world as a martinet and severe disciplinarian. Some of his caustic and
+biting criticisms are classics. Once, however, the tables were turned
+upon him in a way that left him speechless for days.
+
+A reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor did not
+approve of. The morning of publication this reporter drifted into the
+office and encountered his chief, who was in a white heat of anger.
+Carefully suppressing the explosion, however, the boss started in with
+ominous and icy words:
+
+"Mr. Blank, I am not going to criticize you for what you have written.
+On the other hand, I am profoundly sorry for you. I have watched your
+work recently, and it is my opinion, reached after calm and
+dispassionate observation, that you are mentally unbalanced. You are
+insane. Your mind is a wreck. Your friends should take you in hand. The
+very kindest suggestion I can make is that you visit an alienist and
+place yourself under treatment. So far you have shown no sign of
+violence, but what the future holds for you no one can tell. I say this
+in all kindness and frankness. You are discharged."
+
+The reporter walked out of the office and wandered up to Bellevue
+Hospital. He visited the insane pavilion, and told the resident surgeon
+that there was a suspicion that he was not all right mentally and asked
+to be examined. The doctor put him through the regular routine and then
+said,
+
+"Right as a top."
+
+"Sure?" asked the reporter. "Will you give me a certificate to that
+effect?" The doctor said he would and did. Clutching the certificate
+tightly in his hand the reporter entered the office an hour later,
+walked up to the city editor, handed it to him silently, and then
+blurted out,
+
+"Now you go get one."
+
+
+
+
+EDUCATION
+
+
+Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains
+from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after that he
+"struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with having more wealth than
+any one else in Colorado. A man of great shrewdness and ability, he was
+exceedingly sensitive over his inability to read or write. One day an
+old-timer met him with:
+
+"How are you getting along, Pat?"
+
+"Go 'way from me now," said Pat genially, "me head's bustin' wid
+business. It takes two lid-pincils a day to do me wurruk."
+
+
+A catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer finally
+found its way to a distant mountain village where it was evidently
+welcomed with interest. The firm received a carefully written, if
+somewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern "cracker" asking
+further particulars about one of the listed articles.
+
+To this, in the usual course of business, was sent a type-written
+answer. Almost by return mail came a reply:
+
+"You fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart, and you need not
+print your letters to me. I can read writing."
+
+
+
+
+EFFICIENCY
+
+
+An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army maneuvers.
+He was especially impressed with the German motor ambulances. As the
+tourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under a tree, the axle of one
+of the motor ambulances broke. Instantly the man leaped out, ran into
+the village, returned in a jiffy with a new axle, fixed it in place with
+wonderful skill, and teuffed-teuffed off again almost as good as new.
+
+"There's efficiency for you," said the American admirably. "There's
+German efficiency for you. No matter what breaks, there's always a stock
+at hand from which to supply the needed part."
+
+And praising the remarkable instance of German efficiency he had just
+witnessed, the tourist returned to the village and ordered up his car.
+But he couldn't use it. The axle was missing.
+
+
+A curious little man sat next an elderly, prosperous looking man in a
+smoking car.
+
+"How many people work in your office?" he asked.
+
+"Oh," responded the elderly man, getting up and throwing away his cigar,
+"I should say, at a rough guess, about two-thirds of them."
+
+
+
+
+EGOTISM
+
+
+In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below the
+dignity of a man of ten years.
+
+"Why," said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing in the
+wars, and do you think you are better than George Washington?"
+
+"I don't know," replied the boy seriously. "Only time can tell that."
+
+
+John D. Rockefeller tells this story on himself:
+
+"Golfing one bright winter day I had for caddie a boy who didn't know
+me.
+
+"An unfortunate stroke landed me in clump of high grass.
+
+"'My, my,' I said, 'what am I to do now?'
+
+"'See that there tree?' said the boy, pointing to a tall tree a mile
+away. 'Well, drive straight for that.'
+
+"I lofted vigorously, and, fortunately, my ball soared up into the air;
+it landed, and it rolled right on to the putting green.
+
+"'How's that, my boy?' I cried.
+
+"The caddie stared at me with envious eyes.
+
+"'Gee, boss,' he said, 'if I had your strength and you had my brains
+what a pair we'd make!'"
+
+
+The late Marshall Field had a very small office-boy who came to the
+great merchant one day with a request for an increase in wages.
+
+"Huh!" said Mr. Field, looking at him as if through a magnifying-glass.
+"Want a raise, do you? How much are you getting?"
+
+"Three dollars a week," chirped the little chap.
+
+"Three dollars a week!" exclaimed his employer. "Why, when I was your
+age I only got two dollars."
+
+"Oh, well, that's different," piped the youngster. "I guess you weren't
+worth any more."
+
+
+  Here's to the man who is wisest and best,
+  Here's to the man who with judgment is blest.
+  Here's to the man who's as smart as can be--
+  I mean the man who agrees with me.
+
+
+
+
+ELECTIONS
+
+
+In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and Germans. In
+a recent election a local option question was up.
+
+After the election some Germans were counting the votes. One German was
+calling off and another taking down the option votes. The first German,
+running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."
+Suddenly he stopped. "_Mein Gott_!" he cried: "_Dry_!"
+
+Then he went on--"Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."
+
+Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "_Himmel_!" he said.
+"Der son of a gun repeated!"
+
+
+WILLIS--"What's the election today for? Anybody happen to know?"
+
+GILLIS--"It is to determine whether we shall have a convention to
+nominate delegates who will be voted on as to whether they will attend a
+caucus which will decide whether we shall have a primary to determine
+whether the people want to vote on this same question again next
+year."--_Puck_.
+
+
+One year, when the youngsters of a certain Illinois village met for the
+purpose of electing a captain of their baseball team for the coming
+season, it appeared that there were an excessive number of candidates
+for the post, with more than the usual wrangling.
+
+Youngster after youngster presented his qualifications for the post; and
+the matter was still undecided when the son of the owner of the
+ball-field stood up. He was a small, snub-nosed lad, with a plentiful
+supply of freckles, but he glanced about him with a dignified air of
+controlling the situation.
+
+"I'm going to be captain this year," he announced convincingly, "or else
+Father's old bull is going to be turned into the field."
+
+He was elected unanimously.--_Fenimore Martin_.
+
+
+I consider biennial elections as a security that the sober second
+thought of the people shall be law.--_Fisher Ames_.
+
+
+
+
+ELECTRICITY
+
+
+In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the
+difference between lightning and electricity?"
+
+And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for lightning."
+
+
+
+
+EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS
+
+
+A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's cottage
+at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there being a
+scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the young gentleman took
+Willie on his lap.
+
+Then, during a pause in the conversation, little Willie looked up at the
+young gentleman and piped:
+
+"Am I as heavy as sister Mabel?"
+
+
+The late Charles Coghlan was a man of great wit and resource. When he
+was living in London, his wife started for an out-of-town visit. For
+some reason she found it necessary to return home, and on her way
+thither she saw her husband step out of a cab and hand a lady from it.
+Mrs. Coghlan confronted the pair. The actor was equal to the situation.
+
+"My dear," he said to his wife, "allow me to present Miss Blank. Mrs.
+Coghlan, Miss Blank."
+
+The two bowed coldly while Coghlan quickly added:
+
+"I know you ladies have ever so many things you want to say to each
+other, so I will ask to be excused."
+
+He lifted his hat, stepped into the cab, and was whirled away.
+
+
+The evening callers were chatting gaily with the Kinterbys when a patter
+of little feet was heard from the head of the stairs. Mrs. Kinterby
+raised her hand, warning the others to silence.
+
+"Hush!" she said, softly. "The children are going to deliver their
+'good-night' message. It always gives me a feeling of reverence to hear
+them--they are so much nearer the Creator than we are, and they speak
+the love that is in their little hearts never so fully as when the dark
+has come. Listen!"
+
+There was a moment of tense silence. Then--"Mama," came the message in a
+shrill whisper, "Willy found a bedbug!"
+
+
+"I was in an awkward predicament yesterday morning," said a husband to
+another.
+
+"How was that?"
+
+"Why, I came home late, and my wife heard me and said, 'John, what time
+is it?' and I said, 'Only twelve, my dear,' and just then that cuckoo
+clock of ours sang out three times."
+
+"What did you do?"
+
+"Why, I just had to stand there and cuckoo nine times more."
+
+
+"Your husband will be all right now," said an English doctor to a woman
+whose husband was dangerously ill.
+
+"What do you mean?" demanded the wife. "You told me 'e couldn't live a
+fortnight."
+
+"Well, I'm going to cure him, after all," said the doctor. "Surely you
+are glad?"
+
+The woman wrinkled her brows.
+
+"Puts me in a bit of an 'ole," she said. "I've bin an' sold all 'is
+clothes to pay for 'is funeral."
+
+
+
+
+EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES
+
+
+"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 a month
+right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it."
+
+"Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his help
+that way can hang on to his business."
+
+
+EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Have you any advice to a struggling young employee?"
+
+FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"Yes. Don't work."
+
+EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Don't work?"
+
+FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"No. Become an employer."
+
+
+General Benjamin F. Butler built a house in Washington on the same plans
+as his home in Lowell, Mass., and his studies were furnished in exactly
+the same way. He and his secretary, M. W. Clancy, afterward City Clerk
+of Washington for many years, were constantly traveling between the two
+places.
+
+One day a senator called upon General Butler in Lowell and the next day
+in Washington to find him and his secretary engaged upon the same work
+that had occupied them in Massachusetts.
+
+"Heavens, Clancy, don't you ever stop?"
+
+"No," interposed General Butler,
+
+  "'Satan finds some michief still
+  For idle hands to do.'"
+
+Clancy arose and bowed, saying:
+
+"General, I never was sure until now what my employer was. I had heard
+the rumor, but I always discredited it."
+
+
+W.J. ("Fingy") Conners, the New York politician, who is not precisely a
+Chesterfield, secured his first great freight-handling contract when he
+was a roustabout on the Buffalo docks. When the job was about to begin
+he called a thousand burly "dock-wallopers" to order, as narrated by one
+of his business friends:
+
+"Now," roared Conners, "yez are to worruk for me, and I want ivery man
+here to understand what's what. I kin lick anny man in the gang."
+
+Nine hundred and ninety-nine swallowed the insult, but one huge,
+double-fisted warrior moved uneasily and stepping from the line he said
+"You can't lick me, Jim Conners."
+
+"I can't, can't I?" bellowed "Fingy."
+
+"No, you can't" was the determined response.
+
+"Oh, well, thin, go to the office and git your money," said "Fingy."
+"I'll have no man in me gang that I can't lick."
+
+
+Outside his own cleverness there is nothing that so delights Mr. Wiggins
+as a game of baseball, and when he gets a chance to exploit the two,
+both at the same time, he may be said to be the happiest man in the
+world. Hence it was that the other day, when little red headed Willie
+Mulligan, his office boy, came sniffing into his presence to ask for the
+afternoon off that he might attend his grandfather's funeral, Wiggins
+deemed it a masterly stroke to answer:
+
+"Why, certainly, Willie. What's more, my boy, if you'll wait for me I'll
+go with you."
+
+"All right, sir," sniffed Willie as he returned to his desk and waited
+patiently.
+
+And, lo and behold, poor little Willie had told the truth, and when he
+and Wiggins started out together the latter not only lost one of the
+best games of the season, but had to attend the obsequies of an old lady
+in whom he had no interest whatever as well.
+
+
+CHIEF CLERK (to office boy)--"Why on earth don't you laugh when the boss
+tells a joke?"
+
+OFFICE BOY--"I don't have to; I quit on Saturday."--_Satire_.
+
+
+James J. Hill, the Railway King, told the following amusing incident
+that happened on one of his roads:
+
+"One of our division superintendents had received numerous complaints
+that freight trains were in the habit of stopping on a grade crossing in
+a certain small town, thereby blocking travel for long periods. He
+issued orders, but still the complaints came in. Finally he decided to
+investigate personally.
+
+"A short man in size and very excitable, he went down to the crossing,
+and, sure enough, there stood, in defiance of his orders, a long freight
+train, anchored squarely across it. A brakeman who didn't know him by
+sight sat complacently on the top of the car.
+
+"'Move that train on!' sputtered the little 'super.' 'Get it off the
+crossing so people can pass. Move on, I say!'
+
+"The brakeman surveyed the tempestuous little man from head to foot.
+'You go to the deuce, you little shrimp,' he replied. 'You're small
+enough to crawl under.'"
+
+
+
+
+ENEMIES
+
+
+An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife sent for a
+near-by preacher to pray with him.
+
+The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally the old
+man said: "What do you want me to do, Parson?"
+
+"Renounce the Devil, renounce the Devil," replied the preacher.
+
+"Well, but, Parson," protested the dying man, "I ain't in position to
+make any enemies."
+
+
+It is better to decide a difference between enemies than friends, for
+one of our friends will certainly become an enemy and one of our enemies
+a friend.--_Bias_.
+
+
+  The world is large when its weary leagues
+    two loving hearts divide;
+  But the world is small when your enemy is
+    loose on the other side.
+
+  --_John Boyle O'Reilly_.
+
+
+
+
+ENGLAND
+
+
+_See_ Great Britain.
+
+
+
+
+ENGLISH LANGUAGE
+
+
+A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: "Please do
+not touch the Lift at your own risk."
+
+
+The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each verb
+considered was used in a model sentence, so that the students would gain
+the benefit of pronouncing the connected series of words, as well as
+learning the varying forms of the verb. This morning it was the verb "to
+have" in the sentence, "I have a gold mine."
+
+Herr Schmitz was called to his feet by Professor Wulff.
+
+"Conjugate 'do haff' in der sentence, 'I haff a golt mine," the
+professor ordered.
+
+"I haff a golt mine, du hast a golt dein, he hass a golt hiss. Ve, you
+or dey haff a golt ours, yours or deirs, as de case may be."
+
+
+Language is the expression of ideas, and if the people of one country
+cannot preserve an identity of ideas, they cannot retain an identity of
+language.--_Noah Webster_.
+
+
+
+
+ENGLISHMEN
+
+
+He who laughs last is an Englishman.--_Princeton Tiger_.
+
+
+Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became the
+center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the comedian a
+cigar, saying that it was a new production.
+
+"With each cigar, you understand," the promoter said, "I will give a
+coupon, and when you have smoked three thousand of them you may bring
+the coupons to me and exchange them for a grand piano."
+
+Nat sniffed the cigar, pinched it gently, and then replied: "If I smoked
+three thousand of these cigars I think I would need a harp instead of a
+grand piano."
+
+There was a burst of laughter in which the Englishman did not join, but
+presently he exploded with merriment. "I see the point" he exclaimed.
+"Being an actor, you have to travel around the country a great deal and
+a harp would be so much more convenient to carry."
+
+
+
+
+ENTHUSIASM
+
+
+Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of Work
+Without Wages," tells a good story against himself. A nature enthusiast,
+he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy woman. He began to
+dilate upon the sublimity of the scenery, in somewhat gushing phrases.
+The woman paid no attention to him. Provoked by her irresponsiveness, he
+said, "You don't seem to care for this magnificent scenery?" She took
+the pipe from her mouth and delivered this settler: "I enjies it; I
+don't jabber."
+
+
+
+
+EPITAPHS
+
+
+LITTLE CLARENCE--"Pa!"
+
+HIS FATHER--"Well, my son?"
+
+LITTLE CLARENCE--"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day and read the
+inscriptions on the tombstones."
+
+HIS FATHER--"And what were your thoughts after you had done so?"
+
+LITTLE CLARENCE--"Why, pa, I wondered where all the wicked people were
+buried."--_Judge_.
+
+
+The widower had just taken his fourth wife and was showing her around
+the village. Among the places visited was the churchyard, and the bride
+paused before a very elaborate tombstone that had been erected by the
+bridegroom. Being a little nearsighted she asked him to read the
+inscription, and in reverent tones he read:
+
+"Here lies Susan, beloved wife of John Smith; also Jane, beloved wife of
+John Smith; also Mary, beloved wife of John Smith--"
+
+He paused abruptly, and the bride, leaning forward to see the bottom
+line, read, to her horror:
+
+"Be Ye Also Ready."
+
+
+A man wished to have something original on his wife's headstone and hit
+upon, "Lord, she was Thine." He had his own ideas of the size of the
+letters and the space between words, and gave instructions to the
+stonemason. The latter carried them out all right, except that he could
+not get in the "E" in Thine.
+
+
+In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt., is a stone, erected by a widow to her
+loving husband, bearing this inscription: "Rest in peace--until we meet
+again."
+
+
+An epitaph in an old Moravian cemetery reads thus:
+
+  Remember, friend, as you pass by,
+  As you are now, so once was I;
+  As I am now thus you must be,
+  So be prepared to follow me.
+
+There had been written underneath in pencil, presumably by some wag:
+
+  To follow you I'm not content
+  Till I find out which way you went.
+
+
+I expected it, but I didn't expect it quite so soon.--_Life_.
+
+
+  After Life's scarlet fever
+  I sleep well.
+
+
+  Here lies the body of Sarah Sexton,
+  Who never did aught to vex one.
+  (Not like the woman under the next stone.)
+
+
+As a general thing, the writer of epitaphs is a monumental liar.--_John
+E. Rosser_.
+
+
+      Maria Brown,
+  Wife of Timothy Brown,
+      aged 80 years.
+  She lived with her husband fifty years, and died
+  in the confident hope of a better life.
+
+
+Here lies the body of Enoch Holden, who died suddenly and unexpectedly
+by being kicked to death by a cow. Well done, good and faithful servant!
+
+
+A bereaved husband feeling his loss very keenly found it desirable to
+divert his mind by traveling abroad. Before his departure, however, he
+left orders for a tombstone with the inscription:
+
+  "The light of my life has gone out."
+
+Travel brought unexpected and speedy relief, and before the time for his
+return he had taken another wife. It was then that he remembered the
+inscription, and thinking it would not be pleasing to his new wife, he
+wrote to the stone-cutter, asking that he exercise his ingenuity in
+adapting it to the new conditions. After his return he took his new wife
+to see the tombstone and found that the inscription had been made to
+read:
+
+  "The light of my life has gone out,
+  But I have struck another match."
+
+
+    Here lies Bernard Lightfoot,
+  Who was accidentally killed in the forty-fifth year
+    of his age.
+  This monument was erected by his grateful family.
+
+
+  I thought it mushroom when I found
+    It in the woods, forsaken;
+  But since I sleep beneath this mound,
+    I must have been mistaken.
+
+
+
+On the tombstone of a Mr. Box appears this inscription:
+    Here lies one Box within another.
+  The one of wood was very good,
+    We cannot say so much for t'other.
+
+
+  Nobles and heralds by your leave,
+    Here lies what once was Matthew Prior;
+  The son of Adam and of Eve;
+    Can Bourbon or Nassau claim higher?
+
+  --_Prior_.
+
+
+  Kind reader! take your choice to cry or laugh;
+  Here Harold lies-but where's his Epitaph?
+  If such you seek, try Westminster, and view
+  Ten thousand, just as fit for him as you.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+I conceive disgust at these impertinent and misbecoming familiarities
+inscribed upon your ordinary tombstone.--_Charles Lamb_.
+
+
+
+
+EPITHETS
+
+
+John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, who
+complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some neighbors.
+Mr. Fiske called the youngster into his study.
+
+"My boy, is it true that you called Mrs. Jones a fool?"
+
+The boy hung his head. "Yes, father." "And did you call Mr. Jones a
+worse fool?"
+
+"Yes, father."
+
+Mr. Fiske frowned and pondered for a minute. Then he said:
+
+"Well, my son, that is just about the distinction I should make."
+
+
+"See that man over there. He is a bombastic mutt, a windjammer
+nonentity, a false alarm, and an encumberer of the earth!"
+
+"Would you mind writing all that down for me?"
+
+"Why in the world--"
+
+"He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him some time."
+
+
+
+
+EQUALITY
+
+
+As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the other
+day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "Clear out
+of the way with that old mud scow!" shouted an officer on the bridge.
+
+A round, sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway. "Are ye the
+captain of that vessel?"
+
+"No," answered the officer.
+
+"Then spake to yer equals. I'm the captain o' this!" came from the
+barge.
+
+
+
+
+ERMINE
+
+
+  Said an envious, erudite ermine:
+  "There's one thing I cannot determine:
+    When a man wears my coat,
+    He's a person of note,
+  While I'm but a species of vermin!"
+
+
+
+
+ESCAPES
+
+
+There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden
+that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills
+that surrounded the skating pond.
+
+A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts
+and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a large
+black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with chattering
+teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water.
+
+The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to the
+edge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said:
+
+"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out."
+
+"No, I can't swim," was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to me. Hurry
+up. It's cold in here."
+
+"I ain't got no rope," said the farmer; and he added angrily. "What if
+you can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up to your
+shoulders."
+
+"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet deep if
+it's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice!"
+
+
+
+
+ETHICS
+
+
+      My ethical state,
+      Were I wealthy and great,
+  Is a subject you wish I'd reply on.
+      Now who can foresee
+      What his morals _might_ be?
+  What would yours be if you were a lion?
+
+  --_Martial; tr. by Paul Nixon_.
+
+
+
+
+ETIQUET
+
+
+A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting
+her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they would
+not do it."
+
+"Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend, settling
+herself comfortably.
+
+"Yes, but one can't thank them, you know, and it is so awkward."
+
+"Can't thank them! Why not?"
+
+"Why, you would not speak to a strange man, would you?" said the Boston
+maiden, to the astonishment of her southern friend.
+
+
+A little girl on the train to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not only that,
+but she insisted on pulling it out in long strings and letting it fall
+back into her mouth again.
+
+"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't do that.
+Chew your gum like a little lady."
+
+
+LITTLE BROTHER--"What's etiquet?"
+
+LITTLE BIGGER BROTHER--"It's saying 'No, thank you,' when you want to
+holler 'Gimme!'"--_Judge_.
+
+
+  A Lady there was of Antigua,
+  Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you are!"
+    He answered, "My queen,
+    Is it manners you mean,
+  Or do you refer to my figure?"
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+They were at dinner and the dainties were on the table.
+
+"Will you take tart or pudding?" asked Papa of Tommy.
+
+"Tart," said Tommy promptly.
+
+His father sighed as he recalled the many lessons on manners he had
+given the boy.
+
+"Tart, what?" he queried kindly.
+
+But Tommy's eyes were glued on the pastry.
+
+"Tart, what?" asked the father again, sharply this time.
+
+"Tart, first," answered Tommy triumphantly.
+
+
+TOMMY'S AUNT--"Won't you have another piece of cake, Tommy?"
+
+TOMMY (on a visit)--"No, I thank you."
+
+TOMMY'S AUNT--"You seem to be suffering from loss of appetite."
+
+TOMMY--"That ain't loss of appetite. What I'm sufferin' from is
+politeness."
+
+
+  There was a young man so benighted,
+  He never knew when he was slighted;
+    He would go to a party,
+    And eat just as hearty,
+  As if he'd been really invited.
+
+
+
+
+EUROPEAN WAR
+
+
+OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool!
+Come back at once!"
+
+TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the trench."--_Punch_.
+
+
+"You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his head up."
+
+"Pride, eh?"
+
+"No, Zeppelin neck."
+
+
+LITTLE GIRL (who has been sitting very still with a seraphic
+expression)--"I wish I was an angel, mother!"
+
+MOTHER--"What makes you say that, darling?"
+
+LITTLE GIRL--"Because then I could drop bombs on the Germans!"--_Punch_.
+
+
+From a sailor's letter to his wife:
+
+    "Dear Jane,--I am sending you a postal order for 10s., which I
+    hope you may get--but you may not--as this letter has to pass
+    the Censor."
+
+--_Punch_.
+
+
+Two country darkies listened, awe-struck, while some planters discussed
+the tremendous range of the new German guns.
+
+"Dar now," exclaimed one negro, when his master had finished expatiating
+on the hideous havoc wrought by a forty-two-centimeter shell, "jes' lak
+I bin tellin' yo' niggehs all de time! Don' le's have no guns lak dem
+roun' heah! Why, us niggehs could start runnin' erway, run all day, git
+almos' home free, an' den git kilt jus' befo' suppeh!"
+
+"Dat's de trufe," assented his companion, "an' lemme tell yo' sumpin'
+else, Bo. All dem guns needs is jus' yo' _ad_-dress, dat's all; jes'
+giv' em de _ad_-dress an' they'll git yo'."
+
+
+_See also_ War.
+
+
+
+
+EVIDENCE
+
+
+From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, a
+policeman had managed to extract two prisoners.
+
+"What is the charge against these young men?" asked the magistrate
+before whom they were arraigned.
+
+"Disturbin' the peace, yer honor," said the policeman. "They were givin'
+their college yells in the street an' makin' trouble generally."
+
+"What is your name?" the judge asked one of the prisoners.
+
+"Ro-ro-robert Ro-ro-rollins," stuttered the youth.
+
+"I asked for your name, sir, not the evidence."
+
+
+  Maud Muller, on a summer night,
+  Turned down the only parlor light.
+
+  The judge, beside her, whispered things
+  Of wedding bells and diamond rings.
+
+  He spoke his love in burning phrase,
+  And acted foolish forty ways.
+
+  When he had gone Maud gave a laugh
+  And then turned off the dictagraph.
+
+--_Milwaukee Sentinel_.
+
+
+One day a hostess asked a well known Parisian judge: "Your Honor, which
+do you prefer, Burgundy or Bordeaux?"
+
+"Madame, that is a case in which I have so much pleasure in taking the
+evidence that I always postpone judgment," was the wily jurist's reply.
+
+_See also_ Courts; Witnesses.
+
+
+
+
+EXAMINATIONS
+
+
+An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred
+history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was not, for God
+took him." So many times was this repeated in connection with the death
+of Enoch that he thought even the dullest pupil would answer correctly
+when asked in examination: State in the exact language of the Bible what
+is said of Enoch's death.
+
+But this was the answer he got:
+
+"Enoch was not what God took him for."
+
+
+A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of some
+amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in English.
+The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of the
+indicative, the subjunctive, the potential and the exclamatory moods.
+His efforts resulted as follows:
+
+"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer twenty
+questions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may pass. God
+help me!"
+
+
+The following selection of mistakes in examinations may convince almost
+any one that there are some peaks of ignorance which he has yet to
+climb:
+
+Magna Charta said that the King had no right to bring soldiers into a
+lady's house and tell her to mind them.
+
+Panama is a town of Colombo, where they are trying to make an isthmus.
+
+The three highest mountains in Scotland are Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond and
+Ben Jonson.
+
+Wolsey saved his life by dying on the way from York to London.
+
+Bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters.
+
+"Those melodious bursts that fill the spacious days of great Elizabeth"
+refers to the songs that Queen Elizabeth used to write in her spare
+time.
+
+Tennyson wrote a poem called Grave's Energy.
+
+The Rump Parliament consisted entirely of Cromwell's stalactites.
+
+The plural of spouse is spice.
+
+Queen Elizabeth rode a white horse from Kenilworth through Coventry with
+nothing on, and Raleigh offered her his cloak.
+
+The law allowing only one wife is called monotony.
+
+When England was placed under an Interdict the Pope stopped all births,
+marriages and deaths for a year.
+
+The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
+
+The gods of the Indians are chiefly Mahommed and Buddha, and in their
+spare time they do lots of carving.
+
+Every one needs a holiday from one year's end to another.
+
+The Seven Great Powers of Europe are gravity, electricity, steam, gas,
+fly-wheels, and motors, and Mr. Lloyd George.
+
+The hydra was married to Henry VIII. When he cut off her head another
+sprung up.
+
+Liberty of conscience means doing wrong and not worrying about it
+afterward.
+
+The Habeas Corpus act was that no one need stay in prison longer than he
+liked.
+
+Becket put on a camel-air shirt and his life at once became dangerous.
+
+The two races living in the north of Europe are Esquimaux and
+Archangels.
+
+Skeleton is what you have left when you take a man's insides out and his
+outsides off.
+
+Ellipsis is when you forget to kiss.
+
+A bishop without a diocese is called a suffragette.
+
+Artificial perspiration is the way to make a person alive when they are
+only just dead.
+
+A night watchman is a man employed to sleep in the open air.
+
+The tides are caused by the sun drawing the water out and the moon
+drawing it in again.
+
+The liver is an infernal organ of the body.
+
+A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
+
+Triangles are of three kinds, the equilateral or three-sided, the
+quadrilateral or four-sided, and the multilateral or polyglot.
+
+General Braddock was killed in the Revolutionary War. He had three
+horses shot under him and a fourth went through his clothes.
+
+A buttress is the wife of a butler.
+
+The young Pretender was so called because it was pretended that he was
+born in a frying-pan.
+
+A verb is a word which is used in order to make an exertion.
+
+A Passive Verb is when the subject is the sufferer, e.g., I am loved.
+
+Lord Raleigh was the first man to see the invisible Armada.
+
+A schoolmaster is called a pedigree.
+
+The South of the U. S. A. grows oranges, figs, melons and a great
+quantity of preserved fruits, especially tinned meats.
+
+The wife of a Prime Minister is called a Primate.
+
+The Greeks were too thickly populated to be comfortable.
+
+The American war was started because the people would persist in sending
+their parcels thru the post without stamps.
+
+Prince William was drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine; he never laughed
+again.
+
+The heart is located on the west side of the body.
+
+Richard II is said to have been murdered by some historians; his real
+fate is uncertain.
+
+Subjects have a right to partition the king.
+
+A kaiser is a stream of hot water springin' up an' distubin' the earth.
+
+He had nothing left to live for but to die.
+
+Franklin's education was got by himself. He worked himself up to be a
+great literal man. He was also able to invent electricity. Franklin's
+father was a tallow chandelier.
+
+Monastery is the place for monsters.
+
+Sir Walter Raleigh was put out once when his servant found him with fire
+in his head. And one day after there had been a lot of rain, he threw
+his cloak in a puddle and the queen stepped dryly over.
+
+The Greeks planted colonists for their food supplies.
+
+Nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog's tail
+will kill a man.
+
+A mosquito is the child of black and white parents.
+
+An author is a queer animal because his tales (tails) come from his
+head.
+
+Wind is air in a hurry.
+
+The people that come to America found Indians, but no people.
+
+Shadows are rays of darkness.
+
+Lincoln wrote the address while riding from Washington to Gettysburg on
+an envelope.
+
+Queen Elizabeth was tall and thin, but she was a stout protestant.
+
+An equinox is a man who lives near the north pole.
+
+An abstract noun is something we can think of but cannot feel--as a red
+hot poker.
+
+The population of New England is too dry for farming.
+
+Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, the
+chist, and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if any.
+The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The stummick is
+devoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, o, u, and
+sometimes w and y.
+
+Filigree means a list of your descendants.
+
+"The Complete Angler" was written by Euclid because he knew all about
+angles.
+
+The imperfect tense in French is used to express a future action in past
+time which does not take place at all.
+
+Arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones; It gets into your hair even
+with your mouth shut.
+
+The modern name for Gaul is vinegar.
+
+Some of the West India Islands are subject to torpedoes.
+
+The Crusaders were a wild and savage people until Peter the Hermit
+preached to them.
+
+On the low coast plains of Mexico yellow fever is very popular.
+
+Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution.
+
+Gender shows whether a man is masculine, feminine, or neuter.
+
+An angle is a triangle with only two sides.
+
+Geometry teaches us how to bisex angels.
+
+Gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly away.
+
+A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope lives.
+
+A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian.
+
+Vapor is dried water.
+
+The Salic law is that you must take everything with a grain of salt.
+
+The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky, where lions, goats and other animals
+go after they are dead.
+
+The Pharisees were people who like to show off their goodness by praying
+in synonyms.
+
+An abstract noun is something you can't see when you are looking at it.
+
+
+
+
+EXCUSES
+
+
+The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the
+following week without their application blanks properly filled out as
+to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of birth. On Monday
+morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "What
+is the trouble?" Miss Green inquired, seeking to comfort her. "Oh,"
+sobbed the little girl, "I forgot my excuse for being born."
+
+
+O. Henry always retained the whimsical sense of humor which made him
+quickly famous. Shortly before his death he called on the cashier of a
+New York publishing house, after vainly writing several times for a
+check which had been promised as an advance on his royalties.
+
+"I'm sorry," explained the cashier, "but Mr. Blank, who signs the
+checks, is laid up with a sprained ankle."
+
+"But, my dear sir," expostulated the author, "does he sign them with his
+feet?"
+
+
+Strolling along the boardwalk at Atlantic City, Mr. Mulligan, the
+wealthy retired contractor, dropped a quarter through a crack in the
+planking. A friend came along a minute later and found him squatted
+down, industriously poking a two dollar bill through the treacherous
+cranny with his forefinger.
+
+"Mulligan, what the divvil ar-re ye doin'?" inquired the friend.
+
+"Sh-h," said Mr. Mulligan, "I'm tryin' to make it wort' me while to tear
+up this board."
+
+
+A captain, inspecting his company one morning, came to an Irishman who
+evidently had not shaved for several days.
+
+"Doyle," he asked, "how is it that you haven't shaved this morning?"
+
+"But Oi did, sor."
+
+"How dare you tell me that with the beard you have on your face?"
+
+"Well, ye see, sor," stammered Doyle, "there wus nine of us to one small
+bit uv a lookin'-glass, an' it must be thot in th' gineral confusion Oi
+shaved some other man's face."
+
+
+"Is that you, dear?" said a young husband over the telephone. "I just
+called up to say that I'm afraid I won't be able to get home to dinner
+to-night, as I am detained at the office."
+
+"You poor dear," answered the wife sympathetically. "I don't wonder. I
+don't see how you manage to get anything done at all with that orchestra
+playing in your office. Good-by."
+
+
+"What is the matter, dearest?" asked the mother of a small girl who had
+been discovered crying in the hall.
+
+"Somfing awful's happened, Mother."
+
+"Well, what is it, sweetheart?"
+
+"My d'doll-baby got away from me and broked a plate in the pantry."
+
+
+A poor casual laborer, working on a scaffolding, fell five stories to
+the ground. As his horrified mates rushed down pell-mell to his aid, he
+picked himself up, uninjured, from a great, soft pile of sand.
+
+"Say, fellers," he murmured anxiously, "is the boss mad? Tell him I had
+to come down anyway for a ball of twine."
+
+
+Cephas is a darky come up from Maryland to a border town in
+Pennsylvania, where he has established himself as a handy man to do odd
+jobs. He is a good worker, and sober, but there are certain proclivities
+of his which necessitate a pretty close watch on him. Not long ago he
+was caught with a chicken under his coat, and was haled to court to
+explain its presence there.
+
+"Now, Cephas," said the judge very kindly, "you have got into a new
+place, and you ought to have new habits. We have been good to you and
+helped you, and while we like you as a sober and industrious worker,
+this other business cannot be tolerated. Why did you take Mrs. Gilkie's
+chicken?"
+
+Cephas was stumped, and he stood before the majesty of the law, rubbing
+his head and looking ashamed of himself. Finally he answered:
+
+"Deed, I dunno, Jedge," he explained, "ceptin' 't is dat chickens is
+chickens and niggers is niggers."
+
+
+GRANDMA--"Johnny, I have discovered that you have taken more maple-sugar
+than I gave you."
+
+JOHNNY--"Yes, Grandma, I've been making believe there was another little
+boy spending the day with me."
+
+
+Mr. X was a prominent member of the B.P.O.E. At the breakfast table the
+other morning he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred at
+the lodge the previous night. The president of the order offered a silk
+hat to the brother who could stand up and truthfully say that during his
+married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife. "And, would
+you believe it, Mary?--not a one stood up." "George," his wife said,
+"why didn't you stand up?" "Well," he replied, "I was going to, but I
+know I look like hell in a silk hat."
+
+
+  And oftentimes excusing of a fault
+  Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse,
+  As patches set upon a little breach,
+  Discredit more in hiding of the fault
+  Than did the fault before it was so patched.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+EXPOSURE
+
+
+TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure."
+
+WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_.
+
+
+
+
+EXTORTION
+
+
+_See_ Dressmakers.
+
+
+
+
+EXTRAVAGANCE
+
+  There was a young girl named O'Neill,
+  Who went up in the great Ferris wheel;
+    But when half way around
+    She looked at the ground,
+  And it cost her an eighty-cent meal.
+
+
+Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in town, but
+nobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry Susan Rankin,
+seeing that he had known her for years. For awhile they got along fairly
+well but one day after five years of it John hung himself in the attic,
+where Susan used to dry the wash on rainy days, and a carpenter, who
+went up to the roof to do some repairs, found him there. He told Susan,
+and Susan hurried up to see about it, and, sure enough, the carpenter
+was right. She stood looking at her late husband for about a
+minute--kind of dazed, the carpenter thought--then she spoke.
+
+"Well, I declare!" she exclaimed. "If he hasn't used my new
+clothes-line, and the old would have done every bit as well! But, of
+course, that's just like John Polkinhorn."
+
+
+"The editor of my paper," declared the newspaper business manager to a
+little coterie of friends, "is a peculiar genius. Why, would you believe
+it, when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out only one dollar for
+spending money and sends the rest to his wife in Indianapolis!"
+
+His listeners--with one exception, who sat silent and reflective--gave
+vent to loud murmurs of wonder and admiration.
+
+"Now, it may sound thin," added the speaker, "but it is true,
+nevertheless."
+
+"Oh, I don't doubt it at all!" quickly rejoined the quiet one; "I was
+only wondering what he does with the dollar!"
+
+
+An Irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning after
+pay day. When his leave expired he didn't appear. He was brought at last
+before the commandant for sentence, and the following dialogue is
+recorded:
+
+"Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe engagement."
+
+"Yes, sur."
+
+"Have you any money left?"
+
+"No, sur."
+
+"You had $35 when you left the fort, didn't you?"
+
+"Yes, sur."
+
+"What did you do with it?"
+
+"Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went into a
+place and spint $8. Thin we came out and I met another friend and we
+spint $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another friend and we
+spint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends,
+and I spint $8 more--and thin I come home."
+
+"But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the other $3?"
+Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and said:
+
+"I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have squandered that money
+foolishly."
+
+
+
+
+FAILURES
+
+
+Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true,
+father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?"
+
+His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey," he
+finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as good as a
+failure."
+
+
+
+
+FAITH
+
+
+Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and
+garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.--_Country Life
+in America_.
+
+
+"What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher.
+
+"Pa says," answers Johnny, "that it's readin' in the papers that the
+price o' things has come down, an expectin' to find it true when the
+bills comes in."
+
+
+Faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn't going to hurt.
+
+
+"As I understand it, Doctor, if I believe I'm well, I'll be well. Is
+that the idea?"
+
+"It is."
+
+"Then, if you believe you are paid, I suppose you'll be paid."
+
+"Not necessarily."
+
+"But why shouldn't faith work as well in one case as in the other?"
+
+"Why, you see, there is considerable difference between having faith in
+Providence and having faith in you."--_Horace Zimmerman_.
+
+
+Mother had been having considerable argument with her infant daughter as
+to whether the latter was going to be left alone in a dark room to go to
+sleep. As a clincher, the mother said: "There is no reason at all why
+you should be afraid. Remember that God is here all the time, and,
+besides, you have your dolly. Now go to sleep like a good little girl."
+Twenty minutes later a wail came from upstairs, and mother went to the
+foot of the stairs to pacify her daughter. "Don't cry," she said;
+"remember what I told you--God is there with you and you have your
+dolly." "But I don't want them," wailed the baby; "I want you, muvver; I
+want somebody here that has got a skin face on them."
+
+
+  Faith is a fine invention
+    For gentlemen who see;
+  But Microscopes are prudent
+    In an emergency.
+
+  --_Emily Dickinson_.
+
+
+
+
+FAITHFULNESS
+
+
+A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first
+they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a
+trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually increased the
+size of his load until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-pound
+anvil under each arm. When he was half-way across the gangplank it broke
+and the Irishman fell in. With a great splashing and spluttering he came
+to the surface.
+
+"T'row me a rope, I say!" he shouted again. Once more he sank. A third
+time he rose struggling.
+
+"Say!" he spluttered angrily, "if one uv you shpalpeens don't hurry up
+an' t'row me a rope I'm goin' to drop one uv these damn t'ings!"
+
+
+
+
+FAME
+
+
+Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on
+the part of people who are not thinking of you.
+
+
+Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to
+meet an editor who was hard up for material.
+
+
+Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of obtaining
+it, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be sufficient to
+deter a man from so vain a pursuit.--_Addison_.
+
+
+
+
+FAMILIES
+
+
+"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great
+Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am
+English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails."
+
+
+Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had been absent from her duties
+for several days. Upon her return her employer asked her the reason for
+her absence.
+
+"Sure, I've been carin' for wan of me sick children," she replied.
+
+"And how many children have you, Mrs. O'Flarity?" he asked.
+
+"Siven in all," she replied. "Four by the third wife of me second
+husband; three by the second wife of me furst."
+
+
+A man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making his way
+to the street-car, followed by his wife and fourteen children, when a
+policeman touched him on the shoulder and said:
+
+"Come along wid me."
+
+"What for?"
+
+"Blamed if I know; but when ye're locked up I'll go back and find out
+why that crowd was following ye."
+
+
+
+
+FAREWELLS
+
+
+  Happy are we met, Happy have we been,
+  Happy may we part, and Happy meet again.
+
+
+A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter
+off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went
+around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he was
+leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, and
+at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the
+window.
+
+Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to the
+window and said: "One more kiss, pet."
+
+In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the
+window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headed
+wretch!"
+
+
+"I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall be the
+play? Hamlet? Macbeth?"
+
+"This is your sixth farewell tour, I believe."
+
+"Well, yes."
+
+"I would suggest 'Much Adieu About Nothing'."
+
+
+  "Farewell!"
+  For in that word--that fatal word--howe'er
+  We promise--hope--believe--there breathes despair.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+
+
+FASHION
+
+
+There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are
+comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_.
+
+
+There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long
+discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said her
+prayers, she added a new petition, uttered with unwonted fervency:
+
+"And, dear Lord, please make us all very stylish."
+
+
+  Nothing is thought rare
+  Which is not new, and follow'd; yet we know
+  That what was worn some twenty years ago
+  Comes into grace again.
+
+  --_Beaumont and Fletcher_.
+
+
+As good be out of the World as out of the Fashion.--_Colley Cibber_.
+
+
+
+
+FATE
+
+
+  Fate hit me very hard one day.
+  I cried: "What is my fault?
+  What have I done? What causes, pray,
+  This unprovoked assault?"
+  She paused, then said: "Darned if I know;
+  I really can't explain."
+  Then just before she turned to go
+  She whacked me once again!
+
+  --_La Touche Hancock_.
+
+
+  So in the Libyan fable it is told
+  That once an eagle stricken with a dart,
+  Said, when he saw the fashion of the shaft,
+  "With our own feathers, not by others' hands,
+  Are we now smitten."
+
+  --_Aeschylus_.
+
+
+
+
+FATHERS
+
+
+A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing
+his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history.
+Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it
+represented. Baby answered "Coty."
+
+Pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way, she answered "Kitty."
+Then a lion, and she answered "Doggy." Elated with her seeming quick
+perception, he then turned to the picture of a Chimpanzee and said:
+
+"Baby, what is this?"
+
+"Papa."
+
+
+
+
+FAULTS
+
+
+  Women's faults are many,
+    Men have only two--
+  Everything they say,
+    And everything they do.
+
+  --_Le Crabbe_.
+
+
+
+
+FEES
+
+
+_See_ Tips.
+
+
+
+
+FEET
+
+
+BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?"
+
+LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?"
+
+
+
+
+FIGHTING
+
+
+"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?"
+
+"Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_.
+
+
+"There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is
+torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. "How
+many times have I told you not to play with that bad Jenkins boy?"
+
+"Now, look here, Mother," said Bobby, "do I look as if we'd been
+playing?"
+
+
+Two of the leading attorneys of Memphis, who had been warm friends for
+years, happened to be opposing counsel in a case some time ago. The
+older of the two was a man of magnificent physique, almost six feet
+four, and built in proportion, while the younger was barely five feet
+and weighed not more than ninety pounds.
+
+In the course of his argument the big man unwittingly made some remark
+that aroused the ire of his small adversary. A moment later he felt a
+great pulling and tugging at his coat tails. Looking down, he was
+greatly astonished to see his opponent wildly gesticulating and dancing
+around him.
+
+"What on earth are you trying to do there, Dudley?" he asked.
+
+"By Gawd, suh, I'm fightin', suh!"
+
+
+An Irishman boasted that he could lick any man in Boston, yes,
+Massachusetts, and finally he added New England. When he came to, he
+said: "I tried to cover too much territory."
+
+
+"Dose Irish make me sick, alvays talking about vat gread fighders dey
+are," said a Teutonic resident of Hoboken, with great contempt. "Vhy, at
+Minna's vedding der odder night dot drunken Mike O'Hooligan butted in,
+und me und mein bruder, und mein cousin Fritz und mein frient Louie
+Hartmann--vhy, we pretty near kicked him oudt of der house!"
+
+
+VILLAGE GROCER--"What are you running for, sonny?"
+
+BOY--"I'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'."
+
+VILLAGE GROCER--"Who are the fellows?"
+
+BOY--"Bill Perkins and me!"--_Puck_.
+
+
+An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the
+outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness in
+court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the
+witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon
+verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She
+insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency
+finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.
+
+"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowed
+about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked
+him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom with a
+knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friend
+of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or four
+others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some
+excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'."
+
+
+"Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that black
+eye?" asked the magistrate.
+
+"Sure, your honor, he wasn't a physical wreck till after he gave me the
+black eye," replied the complaining wife.--_London Telegraph_.
+
+
+A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiled
+live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minus
+one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly kicked. The waiter said it
+was unavoidable--there had been a fight in the kitchen between two
+lobsters. The other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobster
+and had eaten it. The young man pushed the lobster over toward the
+waiter. "Take it away," he said wearily, "and bring me the winner."
+
+
+There never was a good war or a bad peace.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
+
+
+The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the right
+place.--_John C. Snaith_.
+
+
+
+
+FINANCE
+
+
+  Willie had a savings bank;
+  'Twas made of painted tin.
+  He passed it 'round among the boys,
+  Who put their pennies in.
+
+  Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought
+  Sweetmeats and chewing gum.
+  And to the other envious lads
+  He never offered some.
+
+  "What will we do?" his mother said:
+  "It is a sad mischance."
+  His father said: "We'll cultivate
+  His gift for high finance."
+
+  --_Washington Star_.
+
+
+HICKS--"I've got to borrow $200 somewhere."
+
+WICKS--"Take my advice and borrow $300 while you are about it."
+
+"But I only need $200."
+
+"That doesn't make any difference. Borrow $300 and pay back $100 of it
+in two installments at intervals of a month or so. Then the man that you
+borrow from will think he is going to get the rest of it."
+
+
+It is said J. P. Morgan could raise $10,000,000 on his check any minute;
+but the man who is raising a large family on $9 a week is a greater
+financier than Morgan.
+
+
+To modernize an old prophecy, "out of the mouths of babes shall come
+much worldly wisdom." Mr. K. has two boys whom he dearly loves. One day
+he gave each a dollar to spend. After much bargaining, they brought home
+a wonderful four-wheeled steamboat and a beautiful train of cars. For
+awhile the transportation business flourished, and all was well, but one
+day Craig explained to his father that while business had been good, he
+could do much better if he only had the capital to buy a train of cars
+like Joe's. His arguments must have been good, for the money was
+forthcoming. Soon after, little Toe, with probably less logic but more
+loving, became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like Craig's.
+But Mr. K., who had furnished the additional capital, looked in vain for
+the improved service. The new rolling stock was not in evidence, and
+explanations were vague and unsatisfactory, as is often the case in the
+railroad game at which men play. It took a stern court of inquiry to
+develop the fact that the railroad and steamship had simply changed
+hands--and at a mutual profit of one hundred per cent. And Mr. K., as he
+told his neighbor, said it was worth that much to know that his boys
+would not need much of a legacy from him.--_P.A. Kershaw_.
+
+
+An old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a close
+bargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood for the
+small sum of twelve dollars.
+
+"Why on earth did you agree to do it for so little?" his brother
+inquired.
+
+"Well," said the old painter, "you see, the owner is a mighty unreliable
+man. If I'd said I'd charge him twenty-five dollars, likely he'd have
+only paid me nineteen. And if I charge him twelve dollars, he may not
+pay me but nine. So I thought it over, and decided to paint it for
+twelve dollars, so I wouldn't lose so much."
+
+
+
+
+FINGER-BOWLS
+
+
+MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've
+had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked
+for have them on the table?"
+
+BRIDGET--"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they
+came."
+
+
+
+
+FIRE DEPARTMENTS
+
+
+Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines.
+
+Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a
+ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out!
+The fire department's coming."
+
+Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage wagon
+and engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street again and drove
+on. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder came tearing along.
+The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the farmer's buggy, smashing
+it to smithereens and sending the farmer sprawling into the gutter. The
+policeman ran to his assistance.
+
+"Didn't I tell ye to keep out of the way?" he demanded crossly. "Didn't
+I tell ye the fire department was comin"?"
+
+"Wall, consarn ye," said the peeved farmer, "I _did_ git outer the way
+for th' fire department. But what in tarnation was them drunken painters
+in sech an all-fired hurry fer?"
+
+
+Two Irishmen fresh from Ireland had just landed in New York and engaged
+a room in the top story of a hotel. Mike, being very sleepy, threw
+himself on the bed and was soon fast asleep. The sights were so new and
+strange to Pat that he sat at the window looking out. Soon an alarm of
+fire was rung in and a fire-engine rushed by throwing up sparks of fire
+and clouds of smoke. This greatly excited Pat, who called to his comrade
+to get up and come to the window, but Mike was fast asleep. Another
+engine soon followed the first, spouting smoke and fire like the former.
+This was too much for poor Pat, who rushed excitedly to the bedside, and
+shaking his friend called loudly:
+
+"Mike, Mike, wake up! They are moving Hell, and two loads have gone by
+already."
+
+
+
+
+FIRE ESCAPES
+
+
+Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected
+after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law.
+
+
+
+
+FIRES
+
+
+"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday."
+
+"Sh! Next Thursday."
+
+
+
+
+FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
+
+
+The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the
+family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so please
+come at once."
+
+"I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor.
+
+"Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wife has a book on 'What to Do Before
+the Doctor Comes,' and I'm so afraid she'll do it before you get here!"
+
+
+NURSE GIRL--"Oh, ma'am, what shall I do? The twins have fallen down the
+well!"
+
+FOND PARENT--"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the library and get
+the last number of _The Modern Mother's Magazine_; it contains an
+article on 'How to Bring Up Children.'"
+
+
+SURGEON AT NEW YORK HOSPITAL--"What brought you to this dreadful
+condition? Were you run over by a street-car?"
+
+PATIENT--"No, sir; I fainted, and was brought to by a member of the
+Society of First Aid to the Injured."--_Life_.
+
+
+A prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a colored
+woman formerly in the service of his wife. In great agitation the woman
+advised the physician that her youngest child was in a bad way.
+
+"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor.
+
+"Doc, she done swallered a bottle of ink!"
+
+"I'll be over there in a short while to see her," said the doctor. "Have
+you done anything for her?"
+
+"I done give her three pieces o' blottin'-paper, Doc," said the colored
+woman doubtfully.
+
+
+
+
+FISH
+
+
+A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen
+fried oysters."
+
+"Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah,
+'ceptin' eggs."
+
+
+Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and the
+mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said:
+
+"These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the larger
+fish."
+
+Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked:
+
+"But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?"
+
+
+
+
+FISHERMEN
+
+
+At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be
+found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always
+used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the
+cellar, and the child was found to weigh twenty-five pounds.
+
+
+"Doin' any good?" asked the curious individual on the bridge.
+
+"Any good?" answered the fisherman, in the creek below. "Why I caught
+forty bass out o' here yesterday."
+
+"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the man on the bridge.
+
+The fisherman replied that he did not.
+
+"Well, I am the county fish and game warden."
+
+The angler, after a moment's thought, exclaimed, "Say, do you know who I
+am?"
+
+"No," the officer replied.
+
+"Well, I'm the biggest liar in eastern Indiana," said the crafty angler,
+with a grin.
+
+
+A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father
+informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all
+he loved Venice.
+
+"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand
+that your father would like Venice, with its gondolas, and St. Markses
+and Michelangelos."
+
+"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it
+because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."
+
+
+Smith the other day went fishing. He caught nothing, so on his way back
+home he telephoned to his provision dealer to send a dozen of bass
+around to his house.
+
+He got home late himself. His wife said to him on his arrival:
+
+"Well, what luck?"
+
+"Why, splendid luck, of course," he replied. "Didn't the boy bring that
+dozen bass I gave him?"
+
+Mrs. Smith started. Then she smiled.
+
+"Well, yes, I suppose he did," she said. "There they are."
+
+And she showed poor Smith a dozen bottles of Bass's ale.
+
+
+"You'll be a man like one of us some day," said the patronizing
+sportsman to a lad who was throwing his line into the same stream.
+
+"Yes, sir," he answered, "I s'pose I will some day, but I b'lieve I'd
+rather stay small and ketch a few fish."
+
+
+The more worthless a man, the more fish he can catch.
+
+
+As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an angler.--_Izaak
+Walton_.
+
+
+
+
+FISHING
+
+
+A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake
+in Colorado which he had in contemplation.
+
+"Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend.
+
+"Thousands of 'em," replied Mr. Wharry.
+
+"Will they bite easily?" asked another friend.
+
+"Will they?" said Mr. Wharry. "Why they're absolutely vicious. A man has
+to hide behind a tree to bait a hook."
+
+
+"I got a bite--I got a bite!" sang out a tiny girl member of a fishing
+party. But when an older brother hurriedly drew in the line there was
+only a bare hook. "Where's the fish?" he asked. "He unbit and div," said
+the child.
+
+
+The late Justice Brewer was with a party of New York friends on a
+fishing trip in the Adirondacks, and around the camp fire one evening
+the talk naturally ran on big fish. When it came his turn the jurist
+began, uncertain as to how he was going to come out:
+
+"We were fishing one time on the Grand Banks for--er--for--"
+
+"Whales," somebody suggested.
+
+"No," said the Justice, "we were baiting with whales."
+
+
+"Lo, Jim! Fishin'?"
+
+"Naw; drowning worms."
+
+
+We may say of angling as Dr. Boteler said of strawberries: "Doubtless
+God could have made a better berry, but doubtless God never did"; and so
+(if I might be judge), God never did make a more calm, quiet, innocent
+recreation than angling.--_Izaak Walton_.
+
+
+
+
+FLATS
+
+
+"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?"
+
+"Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy a
+folding toothbrush?"
+
+
+She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she took
+refuge in a flood of tears.
+
+"Before we were married you said you'd lay down your life for me," she
+sobbed.
+
+"I know it," he returned solemnly; "but this confounded flat is so tiny
+that there's no place to lay anything down."
+
+
+
+
+FLATTERY
+
+
+With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell.
+"The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever."
+
+"But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded.
+
+She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, hurriedly.
+
+
+MAGISTRATE (about to commit for trial)--"You certainly effected the
+robbery in a remarkably ingenious way; in fact, with quite exceptional
+cunning."
+
+PRISONER--"Now, yer honor, no flattery, please; no flattery, I begs
+yer."
+
+
+OLD MAID--"But why should a great strong man like you be found begging?"
+
+WAYFARER--"Dear lady, it is the only profession I know in which a
+gentleman can address a beautiful woman without an introduction."
+
+
+William ---- was said to be the ugliest, though the most lovable, man in
+Louisiana. On returning to the plantation after a short absence, his
+brother said:
+
+"Willie, I met in New Orleans a Mrs. Forrester who is a great admirer of
+yours. She said, though, that it wasn't so much the brillancy of your
+mental attainments as your marvelous physical and facial beauty which
+charmed and delighted her."
+
+"Edmund," cried William earnestly, "that is a wicked lie, but tell it to
+me again!"
+
+
+"You seem to be an able-bodied man. You ought to be strong enough to
+work."
+
+"I know, mum. And you seem to be beautiful enough to go on the stage,
+but evidently you prefer the simple life."
+
+After that speech he got a square meal and no reference to the woodpile.
+
+
+      O, that men's ears should be
+  To counsel deaf, but not to flattery!
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+FLIES
+
+
+_See_ Pure food.
+
+
+
+
+FLIRTATION
+
+
+It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is
+attention without intention.
+
+
+"There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle."
+
+"Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in for a
+wedding or a breach of promise suit."
+
+
+A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticed
+a striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy and little
+Mary, two of her pupils.
+
+Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn't disposed to prosecute
+his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that unless he
+stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be promoted.
+
+"You must study harder," she told him, "or you won't pass. How would you
+like to stay back in this class another year and have little Mary go
+ahead of you?"
+
+"Ah," said Tommy. "I guess there'll be other little Marys."
+
+
+
+
+FLOWERS
+
+
+Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I know
+why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the dirt."
+
+
+
+
+FOOD
+
+
+A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece
+of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not understanding and yet
+unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, brought the customer a piece
+of chocolate cake.
+
+"No, no, my friend," said the smiling man. "I meant _George_ Washington,
+not _Booker_ Washington."
+
+
+One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the "pillars"
+of the church to which they both belonged. As he thought of her long and
+useful life, and looked upon her sweet, placid countenance bearing but
+few tokens of her ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage, he was moved
+to ask her, "My dear Mrs. S., what has been the chief source of your
+strength and sustenance during all these years? What has appealed to you
+as the real basis of your unusual vigor of mind and body, and has been
+to you an unfailing comfort through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I may
+pass the secret on to others, and, if possible, profit by it myself."
+
+The old lady thought a moment, then lifting her eyes, dim with age, yet
+kindling with sweet memories of the past, answered briefly,
+"Victuals."--_Sarah L. Tenney_.
+
+
+A girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food wrote to
+the editor:
+
+_Dear Sir_: Seeing as you say how fish is good for the brains, what kind
+of fish shall I eat?
+
+To this the editor replied:
+
+_Dear Miss_: Judging from the composition of your letter I should advise
+you to eat a whale.
+
+
+A hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch restaurant
+and ordered a chicken pie. When it arrived he raised the lid and sat
+gazing at the contents intently for a while. Finally he called the
+waiter.
+
+"Look here, Sam," he said, "what did I order?"
+
+"Chicken pie, sah."
+
+"And what have you brought me?"
+
+"Chicken pie, sah."
+
+"Chicken pie, you black rascal!" the customer replied. "Chicken pie?
+Why, there's not a piece of chicken in it, and never was."
+
+"Dat's right, boss--dey ain't no chicken in it."
+
+"Then why do you call it chicken pie? I never heard of such a thing."
+
+"Dat's all right, boss. Dey don't have to be no chicken in a chicken
+pie. Dey ain't no dog in a dog biscuit, is dey?"
+
+
+_See also_ Dining.
+
+
+
+
+FOOTBALL
+
+
+His SISTER--"His nose seems broken."
+
+His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth."
+
+His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+FORDS
+
+
+A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a
+Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his position, then
+sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?"
+
+
+A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road and
+gazing upward, asked him if he were watching the birds.
+
+"No," he answered, "I was cranking my Ford car and my hand slipped off
+and the thing got away and went straight up in the air."
+
+
+
+
+FORECASTING
+
+
+A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid.
+
+"Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air.
+
+"Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks frum
+Wednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in her mistress's face, she
+added hastily--"I want to go to my finance's fun'ral."
+
+"Goodness me," answered the lady--"Your finance's funeral! Why, you
+don't know that he's even going to die, let alone the date of his
+funeral. That is something we can't any of us be sure about--when we are
+going to die."
+
+"Yes'm," said the girl doubtfully. Then, with a triumphant note in her
+voice--"I'se sure about him, Mis', 'cos he's goin' to be hung!"
+
+
+
+
+FORESIGHT
+
+
+"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosom
+friend Ann said.
+
+"Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin'
+the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine, and the
+Magistrate said that if I come afore 'im ag'in, or laid me 'ands on the
+old man, he'd fine me forty shillin's!"
+
+"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?"
+
+"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!"
+
+
+"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a thousand
+dollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die."
+
+"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?"
+
+"Lots," said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place."
+
+
+  There once was a pious young priest,
+  Who lived almost wholly on yeast;
+    "For," he said, "it is plain
+    We must all rise again,
+  And I want to get started, at least."
+
+
+
+
+FORGETFULNESS
+
+
+_See_ Memory.
+
+
+
+
+FORTUNE HUNTERS
+
+
+HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you
+fixed the day of the wedding?"
+
+SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancee."
+
+H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"
+
+S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir."
+
+H.F.--"What have you to live on?"
+
+S.--"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."
+
+
+The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his
+government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great
+Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without
+result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to
+work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.
+
+"I've found the lady, sir."
+
+"Good! Where is she?"
+
+"At my place. I married her yesterday."
+
+
+"I would die for you," said the rich suitor.
+
+"How soon?" asked the practical girl.
+
+
+HE--"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."
+
+SHE--"Why?"
+
+"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance."
+
+"Is she looking for one?"--_Life_.
+
+
+MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his
+deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love
+a girl like that?"
+
+JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"
+
+
+"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls,
+and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a
+little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is
+Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her
+$1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five
+again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is
+forty, will have $5,000 with her."
+
+The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You haven't one
+about fifty, have you?"
+
+
+
+
+FOUNTAIN PENS
+
+
+"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his
+visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers
+do."
+
+"It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing with
+pleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen."
+
+
+"Percy" asks if we know anything which will change the color of the
+fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette smoking.
+
+He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain pens.
+
+
+
+
+FOURTH OF JULY
+
+
+"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?"
+
+"Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at
+least once a year."
+
+
+One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertised
+special attractions to American visitors. All over the auditorium the
+Union Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one another, and at the
+interludes were heard "Yankee Doodle" and "Hail Columbia," while a
+quartette sang "Down upon the Swanee River." It was an occasion to swell
+the heart of an exiled patriot. Finally came the turn of the Human
+Encyclopedia, who advanced to the front of the stage and announced
+himself ready to answer, sight unseen, all questions the audience might
+propound. A volley of queries was fired at him, and the Encyclopedia
+breathlessly told the distance of the earth from Mars, the number of
+bones in the human skeleton, of square miles in the British Empire, and
+other equally important facts. There was a brief pause, in which an
+American stood up.
+
+"What great event took place July 4, 1776?" he propounded in a loud glad
+voice.
+
+The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. "Th' hincident you speak of, sir,
+was a hinfamous houtrage!"
+
+
+
+
+FREAKS
+
+
+_See_ Husbands.
+
+
+
+
+FREE THOUGHT
+
+
+TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?"
+
+POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married."
+
+
+
+
+FRENCH LANGUAGE
+
+
+"I understand you speak French like a native."
+
+"No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent down
+pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures."
+
+
+In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the acts
+of "Chantecler": "I think it's mo' fun when you don't understand French.
+It sounds mo' like chickens!"--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+FRESHMEN
+
+
+_See_ College Students.
+
+
+
+
+FRIENDS
+
+
+  The Lord gives our relatives,
+  Thank God we can choose our friends.
+
+
+"Father."
+
+"Well, what is it?"
+
+"It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.'
+Is that so, Father?"
+
+"Yes, yes, yes."
+
+"Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad
+man, is the good man bad because he keeps company with the
+bad man, and is the bad man good because he keeps company
+with the good man?"--_Punch_.
+
+
+  Here's champagne to our real friends.
+  And real pain to our sham friends.
+
+
+    It's better to make friends fast
+    Than to make fast friends.
+
+
+Some friends are a habit--some a luxury.
+
+
+A friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your faults.
+
+
+
+
+FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF
+
+
+A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society of
+Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeresses who
+took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street Station. After a few
+minutes' silence she was somewhat startled to hear a gentle voice
+inquire: "Sister Kate, will thee go to the counter and have a milk punch
+on me?"--_Carolina Lockhart_.
+
+
+
+FRIENDSHIP
+
+
+Friendly may we part and quickly meet again.
+
+
+  There's fellowship
+  In every sip
+  Of friendship's brew.
+
+
+May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship.
+
+
+  Here's to the four hinges of Friendship--
+  Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking.
+  When you swear, swear by your country;
+  When you lie, lie for a pretty woman,
+  When you steal, steal away from bad company
+  And when you drink, drink with me.
+
+
+The trouble with having friends is the upkeep.
+
+
+"Brown volunteered to lend me money."
+
+"Did you take it?"
+
+"No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose."
+
+
+"I let my house furnished, and they've had measles there. Of course
+we've had the place disinfected; so I suppose it's quite safe. What do
+you think?"
+
+"I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it would be
+safer to lend it to a friend first."--_Punch_.
+
+
+"Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff yer
+potatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak'
+extra reductions for yer freends."
+
+"Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin's a ton beacuse a customer is a
+freend o' mine, an' then I jist tak' twa hundert-weight aff the ton
+because I'm a freend o' his."--_Punch_.
+
+
+The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride on
+one of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the caboose to go up
+and put the man off at the next stop. When the brakeman approached the
+tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away.
+
+"Did you get rid of him?" the conductor asked the brakeman, when the
+train was under motion again.
+
+"I hadn't the heart," was the reply. "He turned out to be an old school
+friend of mine."
+
+"I'll take care of him," said the conductor, as he started over the tops
+of the cars.
+
+After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman came
+into the caboose and said to the conductor:
+
+"Well, is he off?"
+
+"No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too."
+
+
+If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life,
+he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his
+friendship in constant repair.--_Samuel Johnson_.
+
+
+  They say, and I am glad they say,
+    It is so; and it may be so;
+  It may be just the other way,
+    I cannot tell, but this I know--
+  From quiet homes and first beginnings
+    Out to the undiscovered ends
+  There's nothing worth the wear of winning
+    Save laughter and the love of friends.
+
+  --_Hilaire Belloc_.
+
+
+
+
+FUN
+
+
+Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs.--_Abe
+Martin_.
+
+
+_See also_ Amusements.
+
+
+
+
+FUNERALS
+
+
+  There was an old man in a hearse,
+  Who murmured, "This might have been worse;
+    Of course the expense
+    Is simply immense,
+  But it doesn't come out of my purse."
+
+
+
+
+FURNITURE
+
+
+GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"
+
+HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for
+furniture to match."
+
+
+
+
+FUTURE LIFE
+
+
+A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a
+state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed
+signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead.
+
+"Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all that was going on. And
+I knew I wasn't dead, too, because my feet were cold and I was hungry."
+
+"But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?" asked one
+of the curious.
+
+"Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't be hungry.
+And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold."
+
+
+FATHER (impressively)--"Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, what
+would become of you, my boy?"
+
+IRREVERENT SON--"I'd stay here. The question is, What would become of
+you?"
+
+
+"Look here, now, Harold," said a father to his little son, who was
+naughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to Heaven."
+
+"I don't want to go to Heaven," sobbed the boy; "I want to go with you
+and mother."
+
+
+On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to be buried
+at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the burial service, at
+the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvas
+preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is customary to place heavy
+shot with a body to insure its immediate sinking, but in this instance,
+nothing else being available, a large lump of coal was substituted.
+Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed,
+
+"Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I didn't think
+you'd have to furnish your own fuel."
+
+
+An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life that in
+the next he would have to climb up hill to get into hell.
+
+
+When P.T. Barnum was at the head of his "great moral show," it was his
+rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the custom is
+continued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend Doctor Walker
+succeeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor Hawks, in Hartford,
+there came to the parsonage, addressed to Doctor Hawks, tickets for the
+circus, with the compliments of the famous showman. Doctor Walker
+studied the tickets for a moment, and then remarked:
+
+"Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they haven't
+met."
+
+
+Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens of
+Philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among others
+were the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad; ex-Attorney-General
+MacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other prominent railroad men.
+
+Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said: "Your Grace,
+among others you see here a great many railroad men. There is a
+peculiarity of railroad men that even on social occasions you will find
+that they always take their lawyer with them. That is why I am here.
+They never go anywhere without their counsel. Now they have nearly
+everything that men want, but I have a suggestion to make to you for an
+exchange with us. We can give free passes on all the railroads of the
+country. Now if you would only give us--say a free pass to Paradise by
+way of exchange."
+
+"Ah, no," said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "that would
+never do. I would not like to separate them from their counsel."
+
+
+
+
+GARDENING
+
+
+Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they
+go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_.
+
+
+"I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months
+from now I won't be kicking about your prices."
+
+"No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to sell
+vegetables so cheap."
+
+
+
+
+GAS STOVES
+
+
+A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be
+contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many
+years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It
+so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammy
+arrived. Before departing she had just time to explain to mammy the
+modern conveniences with which her apartment was furnished. The gas
+stove was the contrivance which interested the colored woman most. After
+the mistress of the household had lighted the oven, the broiler, and the
+other burners and felt certain the old servant understood its
+operations, the mistress hurried for her train.
+
+She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to mammy was
+how she had worried along.
+
+"De fines' ever," was the reply. "And dat air gas stove--O my! Why do
+you know, Miss Flo'ence, dat fire aint gone out yit."
+
+
+
+
+GENEROSITY
+
+
+"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but
+recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybody
+is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither, and the
+young man tells me I can get a money order for $10 for 10 cents. Think
+of that now!"
+
+
+At one of these reunions of the Blue and the Gray so happily common of
+late, a northern veteran, who had lost both arms and both legs in the
+service, caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous place to receive
+alms. The response to his appeal was generous and his cup rapidly
+filled.
+
+Nobody gave him more than a dime, however, except a grizzled warrior of
+the lost cause, who plumped in a dollar. And not content, he presently
+came that way again and plumped in another dollar.
+
+The cripple's gratitude did not quite extinguish his curiosity. "Why,"
+he inquired, "do you, who fought on the other side, give me so much more
+than any of those who were my comrades in arms?"
+
+The old rebel smiled grimly. "Because," he replied, "you're the first
+Yank I ever saw trimmed up just to suit me."
+
+
+At dinner one day, it was noticed that a small daughter of the minister
+was putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her father asked
+her why she did that. She explained that she was saving them for her
+dog. Her father told her there were plenty of bones the dog could have
+so she consented to eat the dainty bits. Later she collected the bones
+and took them to the dog saying, "I meant to give a free will offering
+but it is only a collection."
+
+
+A little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion store
+and asked for a match.
+
+"We only _sell_ matches," said the storekeeper.
+
+"How much are they?" asked the future citizen.
+
+"Penny a box," was the answer.
+
+"Gimme a box," said the boy.
+
+He took one match, lit the cigarette, and handed the box back over the
+counter, saying, "Here, take it and put it on de shelf, and when anodder
+sport comes and asks for a match, give him one on me."
+
+
+Little Ralph belonged to a family of five. One morning he came into the
+house carrying five stones which he brought to his mother, saying:
+
+"Look, mother, here are tombstones for each one of us."
+
+The mother, counting them, said:
+
+"Here is one for father, dear! Here is one for mother! Here is
+brother's! Here is the baby's; but there is none for Delia, the maid."
+
+Ralph was lost in thought for a moment, then cheerfully cried:
+
+"Oh, well, never mind, mother; Delia can have mine, and I'll live!"
+
+
+She was making the usual female search for her purse when the conductor
+came to collect the fares.
+
+Her companion meditated silently for a moment, then, addressing the
+other, said:
+
+"Let us divide this Mabel; you fumble and I'll pay."
+
+
+
+
+GENTLEMEN
+
+
+"Sadie, what is a gentleman?"
+
+"Please, ma'am," she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't know very
+well."
+
+
+Two characters in Jeffery Farnol's "Amateur Gentleman" give these
+definitions of a gentleman:
+
+"A gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university, but doesn't have to
+learn anything; who goes out into the world, but doesn't have to work at
+anything; and who has never been black-balled at any of the clubs."
+
+"A gentleman is (I take it) one born with the God-like capacity to think
+and feel for others, irrespective of their rank or condition.... One who
+possesses an ideal so lofty, a mind so delicate, that it lifts him above
+all things ignoble and base, yet strengthens his hands to raise those
+who are fallen--no matter how low."
+
+
+
+
+GERMANS
+
+
+The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At the
+dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so
+silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks.
+
+"Quite right," responded Heine, "but to-night I have exchanged views
+with my German friends and my head is fearfully empty."
+
+
+
+
+GHOSTS
+
+
+"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal
+to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, told
+some friends in New York recently. "Personally, in the course of a
+fairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story. Its
+hero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks.
+
+"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted chamber for
+the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness, but
+nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he took to bed with him a
+revolver of the latest American pattern.
+
+"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he awoke
+with an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head and peered
+about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full moon, and in that
+weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a small, white hand clasping
+the rail at the foot of the bed.
+
+"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously.
+
+"There was no reply. The small white hand did not move.
+
+"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot.'
+
+"Again there was no reply.
+
+"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired.
+
+"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own toes."
+
+
+
+
+GIFTS
+
+
+When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a check
+for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, Felicia Robson,
+who attended the wedding conveyed the gift.
+
+"Felicia," said her father upon her return, "did you give him the
+check?"
+
+"Yes, Father," answered the daughter.
+
+"What did he say?" asked Robson.
+
+"He didn't say anything," replied Miss Felicia, "but he shed tears."
+
+"How long did he cry?"
+
+"Why Father, I didn't time him. I should say, however, that he wept
+fully a minute."
+
+"Fully a minute," mused Robson. "Why, Daughter, I cried an hour after I
+signed it."
+
+
+A church house in a certain rural district was sadly in need of repairs.
+The official board had called a meeting of the parishioners to see what
+could be done toward raising the necessary funds. One of the wealthiest
+and stingiest of the adherents of that church arose and said that he
+would give five dollars, and sat down.
+
+Just then a bit of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him squarely
+upon the head. Whereupon he jumped up, looked confused and said:
+"I--er--I meant I'll give fifty dollars!" then again resumed his seat.
+
+After a brief silence a voice was heard to say: "O Lord, hit 'im again!"
+
+
+He gives twice who gives quickly because the collectors come around
+later on and hit him for another subscription.--_Puck_.
+
+
+"Presents," I often say, "endear Absents."--_Charles Lamb_.
+
+
+In giving, a man receives more than he gives, and the more is in
+proportion to the worth of the thing given.--_George MacDonald_.
+
+
+_See also_ Christmas gifts.
+
+
+
+
+GLUTTONY
+
+
+A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince
+pie.
+
+A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die.
+
+"No," the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from eating
+too much."
+
+
+There was a young person named Ned,
+Who dined before going to bed,
+  On lobster and ham
+  And salad and jam,
+And when he awoke he was dead.
+
+
+
+
+GOLF
+
+
+Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour.
+As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock:
+
+"Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'."
+
+"The morrn'?" Jock repeated.
+
+"Aye, mon, the morrn'," said Sandy. "I'll go ye a roond on the links in
+the morrn'."
+
+"Aye, weel," said Jock, "I'll go ye. But I had intended to get marriet
+in the morrn'."
+
+
+GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent--
+
+"Sir, I wish you clearly to understand that I resent your
+unwarrant--your interference with my game, sir! Tilt the green once
+more, sir, and I chuck the match."
+
+
+Doctor William S. Rainsford is an inveterate golf player. When he was
+rector of St. George's Church, in New York City, he was badly beaten on
+the links by one of his vestrymen. To console the clergyman the
+vestryman ventured to say: "Never mind, Doctor, you'll get satisfaction
+some day when I pass away. Then you'll read the burial service over me."
+
+"I don't see any satisfaction in that," answered the clergy-man, "for
+you'll still be in the hole."
+
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Willie, do you know what beomes of boys who use
+bad language when they're playing marbles?"
+
+WILLIE--"Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf."
+
+
+The game of golf, as every humorist knows, is conducive to profanity. It
+is also a terrible strain on veracity, every man being his own umpire.
+
+Four men were playing golf on a course where the hazard on the ninth
+hole was a deep ravine.
+
+They drove off. Three went into the ravine and one managed to get his
+ball over. The three who had dropped into the ravine walked up to have a
+look. Two of them decided not to try to play their balls out and gave up
+the hole. The third said he would go down and play out his ball. He
+disappeared into the deep crevasse. Presently his ball came bobbing out
+and after a time he climbed up.
+
+"How many strokes?" asked one of his opponents.
+
+"Three."
+
+"But I heard six."
+
+"Three of them were echoes!"
+
+
+When Mark Twain came to Washington to try to get a decent copyright law
+passed, a representative took him out to Chevy Chase.
+
+Mark Twain refused to play golf himself, but he consented to walk over
+the course and watch the representative's strokes. The representative
+was rather a duffer. Teeing off, he sent clouds of earth flying in all
+directions. Then, to hide his confusion he said to his guest: "What do
+you think of our links here, Mr. Clemens?"
+
+"Best I ever tasted," said Mark Twain, as he wiped the dirt from his
+lips with his handkerchief.
+
+
+
+
+GOOD FELLOWSHIP
+
+
+  A glass is good, a lass is good,
+    And a pipe to smoke in cold weather,
+  The world is good and the people are good,
+    And we're all good fellows together.
+
+
+  May good humor preside when good fellows meet,
+  And reason prescribe when'tis time to retreat.
+
+
+Here's to us that are here, to you that are there, and the rest of us
+everywhere.
+
+
+  Here's to all the world,--
+  For fear some darn fool may take offence.
+
+
+
+
+GOSSIP
+
+
+A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_.
+
+
+Gossips are the spies of life.
+
+
+"However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?"
+
+"I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to
+each other."
+
+
+The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, the
+neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows the ways
+of the world.
+
+Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a
+particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over very
+solemnly sent the little girl up to her room.
+
+An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sitting
+complacently on the window seat, looking out at the other children.
+
+"Well, little girl," the mother began, "did you tell God all about how
+naughty you'd been?"
+
+The youngster shook her head, emphatically. "Guess I didn't," she
+gurgled; "why, it'd be all over heaven in no time."
+
+
+Get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody down.--_Life_.
+
+
+"Papa, mamma says that one-half the world doesn't know how the other
+half lives."
+
+"Well, she shouldn't blame herself, dear, it isn't her fault."
+
+
+It is only national history that "repeats itself." Your private history
+is repeated by the neighbors.
+
+
+"You're a terrible scandal-monger, Linkum," said Jorrocks.
+
+"Why in thunder don't you make it a rule to tell only half what you
+hear?"
+
+"That's what I do do," said Linkum. "Only I tell the spicy half."
+
+
+"What," asked the Sunday-school teacher, "is meant by bearing false
+witness against one's neighbor?"
+
+"It's telling falsehoods about them," said the one small maid.
+
+"Partly right and partly wrong," said the teacher.
+
+"I know," said another little girl, holding her hand high in the air.
+"It's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told about
+it."--_H.R. Bennett_.
+
+
+MAUD--"That story you told about Alice isn't worth repeating."
+
+KATE--"It's young yet; give it time."
+
+
+SON--"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?"
+
+FATHER--"Because they are too polite to leave off the 'e.'"
+
+
+  I cannot tell how the truth may be;
+  I say the tale as 'twas said to me.
+
+
+Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty, and if
+you do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, "Why should I tell
+it?"--_Lavater_.
+
+
+
+
+GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
+
+
+"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the
+government?"
+
+"I might if I didn't know who controlled the
+government."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+GOVERNORS
+
+
+The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a
+Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table
+sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governor
+solemnly throughout the repast.
+
+Finally the youngster asked, "Are you really and truly a governor?"
+
+"Yes," replied the great man laughingly; "I really and truly am."
+
+"I've always wanted to see a governor," continued the child, "for I've
+heard Daddy speak of 'em."
+
+"Well," rejoined the Governor, "now that you have seen one, are you
+satisfied?"
+
+"No, sir," answered the youngster, without the slightest impertinence,
+but with an air of great conviction, "no, sir; I'm disappointed."
+
+
+
+
+GRAFT
+
+
+"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner.
+
+"Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which
+ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to
+apologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to explain
+how they got it."
+
+
+LADY--"I guess you're gettin' a good thing out o' tending the rich Smith
+boy, ain't ye, doctor?"
+
+DOCTOR--"Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee. Why?"
+
+LADY--"Well, I hope you won't forget that my Willie threw the brick that
+hit 'im!"
+
+
+Every man has his price, but some hold bargain sales.--_Satire_.
+
+
+The Democrats had a clear working majority in ----, Illinois, for a
+number of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect it
+enfranchised so many of the "culled bredren" as to make it apparent to
+the party leaders that unless a good many black votes could be bought
+up, the Republicans would carry the city election. Accordingly advances
+were made to the Rev. Brother ----, whose influence it was thought
+desirable to secure, inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of
+his entire church.
+
+He was found "open to conviction," and arrangements progressed
+satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary to
+secure his vote and influence.
+
+With an air of offended dignity, Brother ---- replied:
+
+"Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist Church dis
+ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low; but, gemmen, my son
+will call round to see you in de mornin'."
+
+
+A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned his new
+suit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a cafe and
+refreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his pocket for the money
+to settle his check, he realized that he had neglected to transfer both
+purse and watch when he left his suit. As he hesitated, somewhat
+embarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor at his feet. Seizing it
+thankfully, he stepped to the cashier's desk and presented both check
+and money.
+
+"That was a two dollar bill," he explained when he counted his change.
+
+"I know it," said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head. "I'm
+dividing with you. I saw it first."
+
+
+
+
+GRATITUDE
+
+
+After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the
+thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor,
+I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked
+down in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"
+
+
+Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner who
+complained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to read.
+
+"Nutt'n but continued stories," he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung next
+Tuesday."
+
+
+It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the United
+Society of Lady Vegetarians.
+
+They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to boil, when,
+horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the scene.
+
+Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging creature
+pounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red parasol. By great
+good fortune she nipped over the stile before it could reach her. Then,
+regaining her breath, she turned round.
+
+"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been a
+vegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"
+
+
+Miss PASSAY--"You have saved my life, young man. How can I repay you?
+How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?"
+
+YOUNG MAN--"Yes; come and be a cook for us."
+
+
+
+
+GREAT BRITAIN
+
+
+One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the
+House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of the
+small boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its way
+through the lobby. First came the Speaker, and then the chaplain, and
+next the other officers.
+
+"Who, father, is that gentleman?" said the small boy, pointing to the
+chaplain.
+
+"That, my son," said the father, "is the chaplain of the House."
+
+"Does he pray for the members?" asked the small boy.
+
+The father thought a minute and then said: "No, my son; when he goes
+into the House he looks around and sees the members sitting there and
+then he prays for the country."--_Cardiff Mail_.
+
+
+There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of history, who
+has evidently profited by such observations as he may have overheard his
+father utter touching certain phases of British empire-building. At any
+rate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the opinion not infrequently
+expressed in regard to the righteousness of "British occupation." It was
+he who handed in the following essay on the making of a British colony:
+
+"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. First
+she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a specially
+beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round him
+and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are shut, up goes the
+British flag."
+
+
+
+
+GRIEF
+
+
+Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to
+ride in his new car.
+
+"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?"
+
+"No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that--I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes'
+nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve."
+
+
+
+
+GUARANTEES
+
+
+TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?"
+
+GUARD--"Yes, sir."
+
+TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?"
+
+GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!"
+
+
+
+
+GUESTS
+
+
+"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at
+breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"
+
+"Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin',
+suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and we's savin'
+all de fresh aigs for him, suh."
+
+
+  "Here's a health to thee and thine
+  From the hearts of me and mine;
+  And when thee and thine
+  Come to see me and mine,
+  May me and mine make thee and thine
+  As welcome as thee and thine
+  Have ever made me and mine."
+
+
+
+
+HABIT
+
+
+Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young
+timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times
+spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you
+want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him."
+
+One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at the
+first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him by the arm,
+dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him over her knee and did her
+duty.
+
+When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?"
+
+"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors."
+
+
+In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was
+appointed police magistrate.
+
+"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case was
+called.
+
+"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.
+
+The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant.
+
+"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded.
+
+"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop."
+
+"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he absently
+polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief.
+
+
+"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to another.
+"Did you see it?"
+
+"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise."
+
+
+A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an early
+train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. Near the
+station he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him with:
+
+"Say, son, got another cigarette?"
+
+"No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings."
+
+"All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very well.
+Will you fix one for me?"
+
+The boy did.
+
+"Don't believe I've got a match," said the man, after a search through
+his pockets.
+
+The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain," he said "you ain't got
+anything but the habit, have you?"
+
+
+  Habit with him was all the test of truth;
+  "It must be right: I've done it from my youth."
+
+  --_Crabbe_.
+
+
+
+
+HADES
+
+
+_See_ Future life.
+
+
+
+
+HAPPINESS
+
+
+Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school
+question:
+
+"The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much
+discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the
+schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is well
+reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said:
+
+    "'Dear parents--We are having a good time now at school.
+    George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went
+    skating and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was
+    drowned. Most of the boys here are down with influenza. The
+    gardener fell into our cave and broke his rib, but he can work
+    a little. The aviator man at the race course kicked us because
+    we threw sand in his motor, and we are all black and blue. I
+    broke my front tooth playing football. We are very happy.'"
+
+
+Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make
+them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of
+it.--_Sydney Smith_.
+
+
+
+
+HARNESSING
+
+
+The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a
+little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horse
+was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished
+for an hour or two.
+
+When they were ready to go home, a difficulty at once presented itself,
+inasmuch as neither of the Trentonians knew how to reharness the horse.
+Every effort in this direction met with dire failure, and the worst
+problem was properly to adjust the bit. The horse himself seemed to
+resent the idea of going into harness again.
+
+Finally one of the friends, in great disgust, sat down in the road.
+"There's only one thing we can do, Bill," said he.
+
+"What's that?" asked Bill.
+
+"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!"
+
+
+
+
+HARVARD UNIVERSITY
+
+
+"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a match
+factory."
+
+"That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads,
+but we get the sticks from Harvard."--_C. Stratton_.
+
+
+
+
+HASH
+
+
+"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connecting
+link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?"
+
+"Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash."
+
+
+
+
+HASTE
+
+
+The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd
+rushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every
+shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat
+only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an instant on
+the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made a
+flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely on
+the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on which
+he struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash. When the
+arriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat
+man. "I hope I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway I
+caught the boat!"
+
+"But you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"
+
+
+
+
+HEALTH RESORTS
+
+
+"Where've you been, Murray?"
+
+"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great."
+
+"Then why did you come away?"
+
+"Oh, I got sick and had to come home."
+
+"Are you going back?"
+
+"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough."
+
+
+
+
+HEARING
+
+
+The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had
+overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.
+
+"They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard her
+mention 'a trained deer.'"
+
+"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must have! They
+were talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out about the train,
+dear.'"
+
+"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talking
+about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as distinctly as could
+be."
+
+The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herself
+appeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for a
+settlement.
+
+"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each one.
+"I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if it
+rained here last night."
+
+After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence.--_W.J.
+Lampton_.
+
+
+
+
+HEAVEN
+
+
+"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you
+make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."
+
+"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt."
+
+"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven."
+
+"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones up
+there."--_I.C. Curtis_.
+
+
+_See also_ Future life.
+
+
+
+
+HEIRLOOMS
+
+
+HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings
+heirlooms?"
+
+SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family
+since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it only
+dates from the conquest."
+
+
+"My grandfather was a captain of industry."
+
+"Well?"
+
+"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books."
+
+
+
+
+HELL
+
+
+_See_ Future life.
+
+
+
+
+HEREDITY
+
+
+"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"
+
+"Something which descends from father to son."
+
+"Is a spanking hereditary?"
+
+
+William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers,
+silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. He
+entered the library where his father was reading. The old gentleman
+looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgusted
+he became.
+
+"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d--- fool!"
+
+Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the boy
+heartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you look
+exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came back
+from school!"
+
+"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just telling me."
+
+
+"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken. I
+wonder why?" said Jones.
+
+"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and the
+other from eggs."
+
+
+"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, it
+may turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"
+
+"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child may
+develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the
+house."
+
+
+_See also_ Ancestry.
+
+
+
+
+HEROES
+
+
+THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve
+a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"
+
+THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_.
+
+
+MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"
+
+MR. SCRAPER--"I reckon I am."
+
+MR. HENPECK--"Shake! You're a hero."
+
+
+Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.--_Emerson_.HIGH COST OF
+LIVING
+
+
+_See_ Cost of living.
+
+
+
+
+HINTING
+
+
+Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and
+butter, and politely said, "Thank you."
+
+"That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say
+'thank you.'"
+
+"Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again, you might
+put some jam on it."
+
+
+
+
+HOME
+
+
+Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your
+old manners.
+
+
+  Who hath not met with home-made bread,
+  A heavy compound of putty and lead--
+  And home-made wines that rack the head,
+  And home-made liquors and waters?
+  Home-made pop that will not foam,
+  And home-made dishes that drive one from home--
+             * * * * * *
+  Home-made by the homely daughters.
+
+  --_Hood_.
+
+
+
+
+HOMELINESS
+
+
+_See_ Beauty, Personal.
+
+
+
+
+HOMESTEADS
+
+
+"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all
+about this law. Tell me what I am to do."
+
+"Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law,
+but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The government is
+willin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteen
+dollars that you can't live on it five years without starving to
+death."--_Fenimore Martin_.
+
+
+
+
+HONESTY
+
+
+"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving
+smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."
+
+
+VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why
+didn't you have a pal?"
+
+PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."
+
+
+Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a story about
+honesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a position in a
+dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, and references
+were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver in
+the firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerk
+sought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest.
+'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his honesty's been proved again and
+again. To my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times for
+stealing and every time he was acquitted.'"
+
+
+"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came to
+measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found them
+nearly two barrels short?"
+
+"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your own
+flour-barrels."
+
+"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let's
+imbibe."
+
+
+The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot.
+
+"This game ain't on the level," protested Sagebush Sam, at the same time
+producing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That ain't the hand I
+dealt ye!"
+
+
+A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two dumpy
+little boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in a quarter,
+she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for that money.
+
+"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in," said the clerk.
+
+"Oh, no, mister," she said. "I never pay for them. I never can spare
+more than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat you any,
+mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they get into a
+seat, and don't see a single bit of it."
+
+The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two children
+to pass in.
+
+Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the auditorium and
+handed a twenty-five-cent piece to the ticket-seller.
+
+"What's this?" demanded the latter.
+
+"I don't know," said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman beckoned me
+clear across the house, and said one of her kids had waked up and was
+looking at the show, and that I should bring you that quarter."
+
+
+
+
+HONOR
+
+
+In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and
+reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried:
+
+"All tickets, please!"
+
+Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned the
+faces of the others and said, slowly and impressively:
+
+"Gentlemen, I trust to your honor."
+
+And he dived under the seat and remained there in a small, silent knot
+till the conductor was safely gone.
+
+
+  Titles of honour add not to his worth,
+  Who is himself an honour to his titles.
+
+  --_John Ford_.
+
+
+
+
+HOPE
+
+
+FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's
+death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same
+way."
+
+BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_.
+
+
+
+
+HORSES
+
+
+A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two
+dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a
+five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it,
+looked it over for a moment or so, and then asked:
+
+"Which horse do you want?"
+
+
+A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with his
+horse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and then stop
+again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting it
+started. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously:
+
+"Is your horse sick?"
+
+"Not as I knows of."
+
+"Is he balky?"
+
+"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, that
+he stops every once in a while to listen."
+
+
+A German farmer was in search of a horse.
+
+"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's five years
+old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping."
+
+The German threw his hands skyward.
+
+"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from town, und
+mit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles."
+
+
+There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse flesh.
+
+The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of his
+master's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal fell ill
+and died.
+
+"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy the next
+morning.
+
+"I'm sorry, boss," the lad faltered.
+
+"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me for my
+horse?"
+
+"I'll make it all right, boss," said the boy soothingly. "You can take
+it out of my next Saturday's wages."
+
+
+Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of town on
+important law business. As he had a long distance to travel he hired a
+horse from a livery stable. When a few days later he returned he took
+the horse back to the stable and asked the man who had given it to him:
+"Keep this horse for funerals?"
+
+"No, indeed," answered the man indignantly.
+
+"Glad to hear it," said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse wouldn't
+get there in time for the resurrection."
+
+
+
+
+HOSPITALITY
+
+
+Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted
+from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck
+in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door.
+
+As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down his
+collar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel the stream of
+water coursing down his back. Another spell of pounding, and finally the
+red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window.
+
+"Watcher want?" it asked.
+
+"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler answered
+testily.
+
+The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering.
+
+"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the window.
+
+
+The old friends had had three days together.
+
+"You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the morning
+of his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet."
+
+"Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the host
+comfortably. "I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you come
+again."
+
+
+A youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading aloud
+to him when a caller came. In a few minutes his mother was called to the
+telephone. The boy turned to the caller and said "Now you beat it
+home." Ollie James, the famous Kentucky Congressman and raconteur, hails
+from a little town in the western part of the state, but his patriotism
+is state-wide, and when Louisville made a bid for the last Democratic
+national convention she had no more enthusiastic supporter than James. A
+Denver supporter was protesting.
+
+"Why, you know, Colonel," said he, "Louisville couldn't take care of the
+crowds. Even by putting cots in the halls, parlors, and the dining-rooms
+of the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough."
+
+"Beds!" echoed the genial Congressman, "why, sir, Louisville would make
+her visitors have such a thundering good time that no gentleman would
+think of going to bed!"
+
+
+
+
+HOSTS
+
+
+  I thank you for your welcome which was cordial,
+  And your cordial which was welcome.
+
+
+  Here's to the host and the hostess,
+    We're honored to be here tonight;
+  May they both live long and prosper,
+    May their star of hope ever be bright.
+
+
+
+
+HOTELS
+
+
+In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the
+day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the
+neck."--_Country Life_.
+
+
+
+
+HUNGER
+
+
+A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was
+pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished
+wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to
+devour it. But they soon caught up with him, and he shot another, which
+was in turn devoured. This was repeated until the last famished wolf was
+almost upon him with yearning jaws, when--
+
+"Say, partner," broke in one of the listeners, "according to your
+reckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other 'leven inside
+of him."
+
+"Well, come to think it over," said the story teller, "maybe he wasn't
+so darned famished after all."
+
+
+
+
+HUNTING
+
+
+A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting"
+in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest
+shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game.
+
+After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the visitor's
+first barrell.
+
+The host's face fell also.
+
+"We may as well return," he remarked, gloomily, "for that was the only
+snipe in the neighborhood."
+
+The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six weeks.
+
+
+
+
+HURRY
+
+
+See Haste.
+
+
+
+
+HUSBANDS
+
+
+"Is she making him a good wife?"
+
+"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."
+
+
+A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but
+unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided
+between them. The wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor at
+the old address, but the husband went on a tour.
+
+After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a reconciliation
+took place, as the result of which they became business partners once
+more. A few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sent
+into fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers:
+
+"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanently
+increased."
+
+
+An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country with a
+number of his colleagues was dining at an American house and telling how
+much he had enjoyed various phases of his visit.
+
+"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him.
+
+"Ach, dhey are woonderful," the German gentleman replied; "so swift, so
+safe chenerally--und such luxury in all dhe furnishings und
+opp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one thing--our wives do not like
+dhe upper berths."
+
+
+A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington were one
+night speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage, took up his
+residence in another city. One of the grouches had recently visited the
+old friend, and, naturally, the other grouch wanted news of the
+Benedict.
+
+"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch.
+
+"I wouldn't say just that," grimly responded the first grouch, "but I'll
+tell you of a little incident in their household that came within my
+observation. The very first morning I spent with them, our old friend
+answered the letter carrier's whistle. As he returned to us, in the
+breakfast room, he carried a letter in his hand. Turning to his wife, he
+said:
+
+"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.
+
+"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy
+feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."
+
+
+NEIGHBOR--"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the hangels now?"
+
+LONG-SUFFERING WIDOW--"Not 'im. 'Ittin' the hangels wiv the 'arp's
+nearer 'is mark!"
+
+
+"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to another
+during a talk.
+
+"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply.
+
+"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a husband--you're a
+habit."
+
+
+MR. HENPECK--"Is my wife going out, Jane?"
+
+JANE--"Yessir."
+
+MR. HENPECK--"Do you know if I am going with her?"
+
+
+A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock,
+and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had an
+amusing old colored woman for a cook.
+
+One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for the
+mistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husband
+send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"
+
+"Certainly, my husband, Mammy," proudly answered the lady.
+
+"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well."
+
+
+An absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a letter to his
+wife, in the office. As a result, the signature read:
+
+Your loving husband,
+
+HOPKINS BROS.
+
+_Winifred C. Bristol_.
+
+
+Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had
+helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again.
+
+"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her
+marriage.
+
+"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered.
+
+"And is your husband a good provider?"
+
+"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply. "Why,
+jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at."
+
+
+"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do."
+
+"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile."
+
+
+"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"
+
+"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his wife."--_Judge_.
+
+
+A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party." Every guest
+was to bring something that she could not find any use for, and yet too
+good to throw away. The party would have been a great success but for
+the unlooked-for development which broke it up. Eleven of the nineteen
+women brought their husbands.
+
+
+  A very man--not one of nature's clods--
+    With human failings, whether saint or sinner:
+  Endowed perhaps with genius from the gods
+    But apt to take his temper from his dinner.
+
+  --_J. G. Saxe_.
+
+
+A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrella
+like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put out
+the eye of the man behind her.
+
+"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.
+
+
+OLD MONEY (dying)--"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes,
+dear."
+
+YOUNG WIFE--"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always remember how very
+kind you were when you left me."
+
+
+An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his late
+hours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in the
+following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:
+
+"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in the
+hall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip into bed with the ease
+of experience.
+
+"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping in
+the bed with us. So when I began to slide under the covers she stirred
+in her sleep and pushed me on the head.
+
+"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said.
+
+"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick her
+hand, and she dozed off again!"
+
+
+MR. HOMEBODY--"I see you keep copies of
+all the letters you write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeating
+yourself?"
+
+MR. FARAWAY--"No. To avoid contradicting myself."
+
+
+  There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad,
+  There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad;
+  But the gladness in his gladness,
+  Nor the sadness in his sadness,
+  Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.
+
+
+_See also_ Cowards; Domestic finance.
+
+
+
+
+HYBRIDIZATION
+
+
+We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut
+Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now
+we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenter
+attached to the Berlin War Office, who has crossed carrier pigeons with
+parrots, so that Wilhelmstrasse can now get verbal messages through the
+enemy's lines.--_Warwick James Price_.
+
+
+
+
+HYPERBOLE
+
+
+"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had
+their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to
+out in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thought
+my fortune was sure made. However, I didn't harvest one."
+
+He waited for queries, but his friends knew him, and he was forced to
+continue unurged:
+
+"The vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' 'em
+'round. However, the second year my two little boys made up their minds
+to get a taste of one anyhow, so they took turns, carryin' one along
+with the vine and--"
+
+But his companions had already started toward the barroom door.
+
+
+News comes from Southern Kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk to see
+how the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing faster than
+the boy can climb down. The boy is clear out of sight. Three men have
+taken the contract for cutting down the stalk with axes to save the boy
+a horrible death by starving, but the stalk grows so rapidly that they
+can't hit twice in the same place. The boy is living on green corn alone
+and has already thrown down over four bushels of cobs. Even if the corn
+holds out there is still danger that the boy will reach a height where
+he will be frozen to death. There is some talk of attempting his rescue
+with a balloon.--_Topeka Capital_.
+
+
+
+
+HYPOCRISY
+
+
+Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness.
+
+
+TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"
+
+TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."--_Graham
+Charteris_.
+
+
+
+
+IDEALS
+
+
+The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled
+little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's
+father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing
+an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with this injunction chalked
+above it:
+
+"Keep your eye on this and do your best."
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
+
+
+A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the
+back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and
+write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new."
+
+The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished and
+sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingers
+to the floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing, and
+stuck. The patient hadn't seen the cockroach--what he did see was his
+escaped postage stamp zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to the
+baseboard, wavering up over the baseboard, and following a crooked track
+up the wall and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the
+letter he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor.
+
+"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three years."
+
+
+
+
+IMAGINATION
+
+
+One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about
+their respective ages.
+
+"I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May,
+and your's don't come till September."
+
+"Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted, "but
+that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angels
+when they were making you."
+
+The mother instantly summoned her daughter. "It's breaking mother's
+heart to hear you tell such awful stories," she said. "Don't you
+remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?"
+
+"Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying. I saw them
+carried into the corner drug store!"
+
+
+
+
+IMITATION
+
+
+Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As
+You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was
+overlooked by a rising brick edifice.
+
+One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the
+building exclaimed with the utmost gravity:
+
+"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick."
+
+
+
+
+INFANTS
+
+
+A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you
+have the baby half the time."
+
+"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"
+
+"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights."
+
+
+"Is the baby strong?"
+
+"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"--_Comic Cuts_.
+
+
+Recipe for a baby:
+
+  Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk,
+    Smother with a pillow any sneeze;
+  Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back--
+    "Don't forget that you were one of these."
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+INQUISITIVENESS
+
+
+_See_ Wives.
+
+
+
+
+INSANITY
+
+
+_See_ Editors; Love.
+
+
+
+
+INSPIRATIONS
+
+
+She was from Boston, and he was not.
+
+He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew
+nothing, and their books, of which he knew less.
+
+Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and
+Juliet?'"
+
+He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliant
+thought, blurted out, happily:
+
+"I've--I've read Romeo!"
+
+
+
+
+INSTALMENT PLAN
+
+
+Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying
+instalments on.
+
+
+
+
+INSTRUCTIONS
+
+
+A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in
+the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up
+the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned
+to the young man in uniform.
+
+"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to be
+well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"
+
+"Yes, sir, but--"
+
+"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boys
+away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extra
+blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into
+another. I want you to--"
+
+"But, say, boss, I--"
+
+"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talking
+myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get the
+good of it. Not a word, sir."
+
+The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin and
+swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can do
+the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell
+you--but I ain't going out on that train."
+
+
+
+
+INSURANCE, LIFE
+
+
+A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other
+day.
+
+"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.
+
+"No," said the man.
+
+"Do you motor?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"
+
+"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous--"
+
+But the agent interrupted him curtly.
+
+"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."
+
+
+
+
+INSURANCE BLANKS
+
+
+_See_ Irish bulls.
+
+
+
+
+INSURGENTS
+
+
+"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call
+that kind of cucumber?"
+
+"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It
+doesn't always agree with a party."
+
+
+
+
+INTERVIEWS
+
+
+"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"
+
+"No," replied Senator Soghum.
+
+"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"
+
+"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews."
+
+
+
+
+INVITATIONS
+
+
+"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the
+marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite
+sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to
+the attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows:
+
+"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and Miss
+Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All who
+cannot come may send."--_Howard Morse_.
+
+
+One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street.
+
+"Come and dine with us tonight," the mandarin said graciously.
+
+"Thank you," said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow night do
+just as well?"
+
+"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the mandarin
+curiously.
+
+"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to give me
+tonight's invitation."
+
+
+MARION (just from the telephone)--"He wanted to
+know if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would."
+
+MADELINE--"Who was speaking?"
+
+MARION--"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask."
+
+
+Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented,
+provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had had trouble, but,
+rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to invite
+Tommy.
+
+On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had arrived
+except Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her son.
+
+"Willie," she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party tonight?"
+
+"Yes, Mother."
+
+"And did he say he would not come?"
+
+"No," explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared him to
+come."
+
+
+
+
+IRISH BULLS
+
+
+Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching
+tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion,
+asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he
+says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side av
+the foot that's in the air, an' remain motionless."
+
+
+"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's
+absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing
+the same you will greatly oblige his mother."
+
+
+An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather
+freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when the
+Irishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git on
+I'll git off."
+
+
+"The doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope, but if 'e
+don't, the doctor says 'e give 'im up."
+
+
+For rent--A room for a gentleman with all conveniences.
+
+
+A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him:
+"Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay her
+funeral expenses."
+
+
+A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, said
+sharply: "John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do.
+Come up here and let me give you some work."
+
+
+A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroom
+one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisle
+and chewing gum.
+
+"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of your
+mouth and put your feet in."
+
+
+MAGISTRATE--"You admit you stole the pig?"
+
+PRISONER--"I 'ave to."
+
+MAGISTRATE--"Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing going
+on lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us will
+be safe."--_M.L. Hayward_.
+
+
+"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent, "Gideon
+did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down
+to drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the
+other."--_Joe King_.
+
+
+"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder."
+
+"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"
+
+"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it."
+
+
+A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton procession
+from Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was jerked down by a
+policeman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed from
+that vantage point, climbed the railing of Li Hung Chang's gingko-tree.
+Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't look at annything frum where ye
+can see it frum."
+
+
+MRS. JENKINS--"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought a
+house next you, with a water frontage."
+
+MRS. SMITH--"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time."
+
+
+In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was posted:
+
+"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen are
+requested to make use of them only after the former are seated."
+
+
+Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in two
+places at the same time, barring he is a bird."
+
+
+A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in speech,
+remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. "I don't
+know why it is--every time I get up to speak, some fool talks." Then he
+wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter.--_Grub S.
+Arts_.
+
+
+Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being tried
+for an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery on his side,
+and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping, not
+loudly, but like muffled drums. A big policeman came up to the gallery,
+scowled at the disturbers then, when that had no effect, called out in a
+stage whisper:
+
+"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer feet!"
+
+
+The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up are
+often more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical Journal
+shows in the following excellent selection of examples:
+
+Mother died in infancy.
+
+Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up dead.
+
+Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she bade
+fair to reach a ripe old age.
+
+
+Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity, except that
+they died at an advanced age.
+
+Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that she
+fully recovered from her last illness.
+
+Applicant has never been fatally sick.
+
+Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere child.
+
+Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but she was
+cured before death.
+
+
+
+
+IRISHMEN
+
+
+A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a
+brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_.
+
+
+Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England
+preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a spark
+of humor struck from flint. "These Irish, anciently called
+'Anthropophagi,' man-eaters, have a tradition among them that when the
+devil showed Our Savior all the kingdoms of the earth and their glory,
+he would not show Him Ireland, but reserved it for himself; it is
+probably true, for he hath kept it ever since for his own peculiar."
+
+
+An Irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons and
+invited his caller to take a look at them.
+
+"Ain't they fine boys?" inquired the father.
+
+"They are," agreed the visitor.
+
+"The finest in the world!" exclaimed the father. "An' I nivver laid
+violent hands on any one of 'em except in silf-difince."--_Popular
+Magazine_.
+
+
+_See also_ Fighting; Irish bulls.
+
+
+
+
+IRREVERENCE
+
+
+  There were three young women of Birmingham,
+  And I know a sad story concerning 'em:
+    They stuck needles and pins
+    In the reverend shins
+  Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new novel by Gertrude Atherton.
+After reading the review Mrs. Atherton wrote to Mr. James as follows:
+
+    "Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of
+    my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or
+    not?"
+
+    Sincerely,
+
+    "GERTRUDE ATHERTON."
+
+
+
+
+JEWELS
+
+
+  The girl with the ruby lips we like,
+    The lass with teeth of pearl,
+  The maid with the eyes like diamonds,
+    The cheek-like-coral girl;
+  The girl with the alabaster brow,
+    The lass from the Emerald Isle.
+  All these we like, but not the jade
+    With the sardonyx smile.
+
+
+
+
+
+JEWS
+
+
+What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the
+banana.
+
+
+He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently
+a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively
+at the little oily Jew who occupied the other half of the car seat with
+him.
+
+The little Jew looked at him deprecatingly. "Nice day," he began
+politely.
+
+"You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the Yankee.
+
+"Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman," handing him a card.
+
+"But you're a Jew?"
+
+"Yes, yes, I'm a Jew," came the answer.
+
+"Well," continued the Yankee, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little village
+in Maine where I come from I'm proud to say there ain't a Jew."
+
+"Dot's why it's a village," replied the little Jew quietly.
+
+
+The men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One said
+Stephenson, who invented the locomotive. Another declared it was the man
+who invented the compass. Another contended for Edison. Still another
+for the Wrights,
+
+Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained silent:
+
+"Who do you think?"
+
+"Vell," he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented interest
+was no slouch."
+
+
+Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famous
+specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the
+waiting-room.
+
+After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and
+whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain't
+he?"
+
+"One of the best," the gentleman told him.
+
+Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.
+
+"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then,
+ain't he? Vat does he charge?"
+
+The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rather
+shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five
+dollars for each visit thereafter."
+
+"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky--"Fifty tollars the first time und
+twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"
+
+For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Und
+twenty-five tollars each time afterwards," he kept muttering. Finally,
+just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliant
+inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands.
+
+"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am _again_."
+
+
+The Jews are among the aristocracy of every land; if a literature is
+called rich in the possession of a few classic tragedies what shall we
+say to a national tragedy lasting for fifteen hundred years, in which
+the poets and the actors were also the heroes.--_George Eliot_.
+
+
+_See also_ Failures; Fires.
+
+
+
+
+JOKES
+
+
+A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and
+different in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J.
+Burtscher_.
+
+
+JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last
+week."
+
+BOGGS--"What luck did you have with them?"
+
+JOKELY--"Oh, they all came flying back."--_Will S. Gidley_.
+
+
+  "I ne'er forget a joke I have
+    Once heard!" Augustus cried.
+  "And neither do you let your friends
+    Forget it!" Jane replied.
+
+  --_Childe Harold_.
+
+A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the noon
+hour, sleeping in the hot sun. The clock struck one, the time to pick up
+his hod again. He rose, stretched, and grumbled: "I wish I wuz daid.
+'Tain' nothin' but wuk, wuk from mawnin' tell night."
+
+Another negro, a story above, heard the complaint and dropped a brick on
+the grumbler's head.
+
+Dazed he looked up and said:
+
+"De Lawd can' stan' no jokes. He jes' takes ev'ything in yearnist."
+
+
+The late H.C. Bunner, when editor of _Puck_, once received a letter
+accompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked: "What
+will you give me for these?"
+
+"Ten yards start," was Bunner's generous offer, written beneath the
+query.
+
+
+NEW CONGRESSMAN--"What can I do for you, sir?"
+
+SALESMAN (of Statesmen's Anecdote Manufacturing Company)--"I shall be
+delighted if you'll place an order for a dozen of real, live, snappy,
+humorous anecdotes as told by yourself, sir."
+
+
+Jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years ago from
+Egypt, Babylon and Assyria, and have since then grown and multiplied.
+They are in extensive use in all parts of the country and as an antidote
+for thought are indispensable at all dinner parties.
+
+There were originally twenty-five jokes, but when this country was
+formed they added a constitution, which increased the number to
+twenty-six. These jokes have married and inter-married among themselves
+and their children travel from press to press.
+
+Frequently in one week a joke will travel from New York to San
+Francisco.
+
+The joke is no respecter of persons. Shameless and unconcerned, he tells
+the story of his life over and over again. Outside of the ballot-box he
+is the greatest repeater that we have.
+
+Jokes are of three kinds--plain, illustrated and pointless. Frequently
+they are all three.
+
+No joke is without honor, except in its own country. Jokes form one of
+our staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and day to turn
+out the often neatly finished product. The importation of jokes while
+considerable is not as great as it might be, as the flavor is lost in
+transit.
+
+Jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic. As scenebreakers they
+have no equal.--_Life_.
+
+
+  Here's to the joke, the good old joke,
+    The joke that our fathers told;
+  It is ready tonight and is jolly and bright
+    As it was in the days of old.
+
+  When Adam was young it was on his tongue,
+    And Noah got in the swim
+  By telling the jest as the brightest and best
+    That ever happened to him.
+
+  So here's to the joke, the good old joke--
+    We'll hear it again tonight.
+  It's health we will quaff; that will help us to laugh,
+    And to treat it in manner polite.
+
+  --_Lew Dockstader_.
+
+
+  A jest's prosperity lies in the ear
+  Of him that hears it, never in the tongue
+  Of him that makes it.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+JOURNALISM
+
+
+A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turning
+to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the little pate,
+"this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," cried the untutored
+old aunty, soothingly, "never you mind 'bout dat; dat'll come right in
+time."
+
+
+John R. McLean, owner of the Cincinnati _Enquirer_ and the Washington
+_Post_, tells this story of the days when he was actively in charge of
+the Cincinnati newspaper: An _Enquirer_ reporter was sent to a town in
+southwestern Ohio to get the story of a woman evangelist who had been
+greatly talked about. The reporter attended one of her meetings and
+occupied a front seat. When those who wished to be saved were asked to
+arise, he kept his seat and used his notebook. The evangelist
+approached, and, taking him by the hand, said, "Come to Jesus."
+
+"Madam," said the newspaper man, "I'm here solely on business--to report
+your work."
+
+"Brother," said she, "there is no business so important as God's."
+
+"Well, may be not," said the reporter; "but you don't know John R.
+McLean."
+
+
+  A newspaper man named Fling
+  Could make "copy" from any old thing.
+    But the copy he wrote
+    Of a five dollar note
+  Was so good he is now in Sing Sing.
+
+  --_Columbia Jester_.
+
+
+"Come in," called the magazine editor.
+
+"Sir, I have called to see about that article of mine that you bought
+two years ago. My name is Pensnink--Percival Perrhyn Pensnink. My
+composition was called 'The Behavior of Chipmunks in Thunderstorms,' and
+I should like to know how much longer I must watch and wait before I
+shall see it in print."
+
+"I remember," the editor replied. "We are saving your little essay to
+use at the time of your death. When public attention is drawn to an
+author we like to have something of his on hand."
+
+
+  Hear, land o' cakes, and brither Scots,
+  Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat's;
+  If there's a hole in a' your coats,
+  I rede you tent it:
+  A chiel's amang you taking notes,
+  And, faith, he'll prent it.
+
+  --_Burns_.
+
+
+_See also_ Newspapers.
+
+
+
+
+JUDGES
+
+
+A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish.
+An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the
+interpreter.
+
+"What does he say?" demanded his lordship.
+
+"Nothing, my lord," was the reply.
+
+"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what was
+it?"
+
+"My lord," said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had nothing to
+do with the case."
+
+"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge. "Now, what
+did he say?"
+
+"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old woman
+with the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?"
+
+At which the court roared.
+
+"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little uncomfortable.
+
+"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going to hang
+you."
+
+
+A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a charge
+of stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him, the judge
+asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the coop was so near
+the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in the yard.
+
+"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge," answered the darky, "to try to
+'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like as not
+yo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken, nuther. Ef yo'
+wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better stick to de bench
+whar yo' am familiar."--_Mrs. L.F. Clarke_.
+
+
+Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely, to
+consider soberly, and to decide impartially.--_Socrates_.
+
+
+
+
+JUDGMENT
+
+
+HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women."
+
+WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+JURY
+
+
+In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say,
+"Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with
+laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock.
+
+
+There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman to whom
+the thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed, and wore an
+air of a man determined not to "get the worst of it."
+
+"Prisoner at the bar," called out the clerk, "do you wish to challenge
+any of the jury?"
+
+The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully.
+
+"Well, I tell ye," he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in trainin',
+but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot fat old boy in
+th' corner."
+
+
+JUSTICE
+
+
+There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side.
+
+
+"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour
+ago!"
+
+"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too
+hard, so I thought I'd just even up."
+
+
+  One man's word is no man's word,
+  Justice is that both be heard.
+
+
+He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decide
+justly cannot be considered just.--_Seneca_.
+
+
+
+
+JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
+
+
+A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store.
+A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the
+station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid
+done?"
+
+
+
+
+KENTUCKY
+
+
+Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws.
+
+
+
+
+KINDNESS
+
+
+Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at
+home.--_Abe Martin_.
+
+
+An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to
+see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As
+they crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimme
+that basket, Hannah."
+
+The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful look.
+
+"That's real kind o' ye, Joshua," she quavered.
+
+"Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost."
+
+
+A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, stood
+directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she
+lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his
+toes.
+
+As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.
+
+"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.
+
+"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply
+self-defense."
+
+
+
+
+KINGS AND RULERS
+
+
+"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to
+my accomplishments."
+
+"Aren't they rather light?"
+
+"They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution
+occurs and I have to go into vaudeville."
+
+
+The present King George in his younger days visited Canada in company
+with the Duke of Clarence. One night at a ball in Quebec, given in honor
+of the two royalties, the younger Prince devoted his time exclusively to
+the young ladies, paying little or no attention to the elderly ones and
+chaperons.
+
+His brother reprimanded him, pointing out to him his social position and
+his duty as well.
+
+"That's all right," said the young Prince. "There are two of us. You go
+and sing God save your Grandmother, while I dance with the girls."
+
+
+  And so we sing, "Long live the King;
+  Long live the Queen and Jack;
+  Long live the Ten-spot and the Ace,
+  And also all the pack."
+
+  --_Eugene Field_.
+
+
+FIRST EUROPEAN SOCIETY LADY--"Wouldn't you like to be presented to our
+sovereign?"
+
+SECOND E.S.L.--"No. Simply because I have to be governed by a man is no
+reason why I should condescend to meet him socially."
+
+
+One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General Von
+Meerscheidt for some small lapses.
+
+"If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please permit
+me to resign," said the General.
+
+"No; you are too young to resign," said the Kaiser.
+
+In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw the old
+General talking to some young ladies, and he said:
+
+"General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament will
+vanish."
+
+"Excuse me, your Majesty," replied the General. "It would kill me to
+have both a young wife and a young Emperor."
+
+
+During the war of 1812, a dinner was given in Canada, at which both
+American and British officers were present. One of the latter offered
+the toast: "To President Madison, dead or alive!"
+
+An American offered the response: "To the Prince Regent, drunk or
+sober!"--_Mrs. Gouverneur_.
+
+
+A lady of Queen Victoria's court once asked her if she did not think
+that one of the satisfactions of the future life would be the meeting
+with the notable figures of the past, such as Abraham, Isaac and King
+David. After a moment's silence, with perfect dignity and decision the
+great Queen made answer: "I will _not_ meet David!"
+
+
+  Ten poor men sleep in peace on one straw heap, as Saadi sings,
+  But the immensest empire is too narrow for two kings.
+
+  --_William R. Alger_.
+
+
+  Here lies our sovereign lord, the king,
+    Whose word no man relies on,
+  Who never said a foolish thing,
+    And never did a wise one.
+
+Said by a courtier of Charles, II. To which the King replied, "That is
+very true, for my words are my own. My actions are my minister's."
+
+
+
+
+KISSES
+
+
+  Here's to a kiss:
+  Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score,
+  Then to that twenty add a hundred more;
+  A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on,
+  To make that thousand quite a million,
+  Treble that million, and when that is done
+  Let's kiss afresh as though we'd just begun.
+
+
+"If I should kiss you I suppose you'd go and tell your mother."
+
+"No; my lawyer."
+
+
+"What is he so angry with you for?"
+
+"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were talking
+just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he flared up and
+tried to kick me."
+
+"And what were you talking about?"
+
+"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always kiss my
+wife three or four times every day.'"
+
+"And what did you say?"
+
+"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had
+a fit."
+
+
+  There was an old maiden from Fife,
+  Who had never been kissed in her life;
+    Along came a cat;
+    And she said, "I'll kiss that!"
+  But the cat answered, "Not on your life!"
+
+
+  Here's to the red of the holly berry,
+    And to its leaf so green;
+  And here's to the lips that are just as red,
+    And the fellow who's not so green.
+
+
+  There was a young sailor of Lyd,
+  Who loved a fair Japanese kid;
+    When it came to good-bye,
+    They were eager but shy,
+  So they put up a sunshade and--did.
+
+
+  There once was a maiden of Siam,
+  Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
+    "If you kiss me, of course
+    You will have to use force,
+  But God knows you're stronger than I am."
+
+
+Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.--_Swift_.
+
+
+_See also_ Courtship; Servants.
+
+
+
+
+KNOWLEDGE
+
+
+A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a
+crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said:
+"My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't
+teach mine a single trick."
+
+The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you
+see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn
+him nothin'."
+
+
+With knowledge and love the world is made.--_Anatole France_.
+
+
+
+
+KULTUR
+
+
+HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid
+fool!"
+
+MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we
+both mistaken."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
+
+
+A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si
+Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out.
+
+"What'll ye pay?" asked Si.
+
+"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer.
+
+Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:
+
+"I'll be _durned_ if I'll work for that!"
+
+
+
+
+LADIES
+
+
+_See_ Etiquet; Woman.
+
+
+
+
+LANDLORDS
+
+
+An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed
+out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him.
+
+"Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property in
+this district!"
+
+"He has, sir," replied the guide, "but, sure, he's like all the
+landlords--he lives in England!"
+
+
+
+
+LANGUAGES
+
+
+George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his
+companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's
+friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in
+studying Arabic in preparation for this trip he could not understand a
+word that the native said.
+
+"Never mind," replied Ade consolingly. "You see, the old duffer hasn't a
+tooth in his head, and he was only talking gum-Arabic."
+
+
+Milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct his
+daughters in the different languages.
+
+"No, sir," he said; "one tongue is sufficient for any woman."
+
+
+Prince Bismarck was once pressed by a certain American official to
+recommend his son for a diplomatic post. "He is a very remarkable
+fellow," said the proud father; "he speaks seven languages."
+
+"Indeed!" said Bismarck, who did not hold a very high opinion of
+linguistic acquirements. "What a wonderful headwaiter he would make!"
+
+
+
+
+LAUGHTER
+
+
+TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom."
+
+FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted."
+
+
+  Laugh and the world laughs with you,
+  Weep, and the laugh's on you.
+
+
+About the best and finest thing in this world is laughter.--_Anna Alice
+Chapin_.
+
+
+
+
+LAW
+
+
+_See_ Punishment.
+
+
+
+
+LAWYERS
+
+
+Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting
+his bill.--_Puck_.
+
+
+George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on
+seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his
+trousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly inquired of those
+present:
+
+"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a professional
+humorist should be funny?"
+
+When the laugh had subsided, Ade drawled out:
+
+"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should
+have his hands in his own pockets?"
+
+
+A man was charged with stealing a horse, and after a long trial the jury
+acquitted him. Later in the day the man came back and asked the judge
+for a warrant against the lawyer who had successfully defended him.
+
+"What's the charge?" inquired the judge.
+
+"Why, Your Honor," replied the man, "you see, I didn't have the money to
+pay him his fee, so he took the horse I stole."--_J.J. O'Connell_.
+
+
+An elderly darky in Georgia, charged with the theft of some chickens,
+had the misfortune to be defended by a young and inexperienced attorney,
+although it is doubtful whether anyone could have secured his acquittal,
+the commission of the crime having been proved beyond all doubt.
+
+The darky received a pretty severe sentence. "Thank you, sah," said he
+cheerfully, addressing the judge when the sentence had been pronounced.
+"Dat's mighty hard, sah, but it ain't anywhere what I 'spected. I
+thought, sah, dat between my character and dat speech of my lawyer dat
+you'd hang me, shore!"
+
+
+"You have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of this
+morning, haven't you?" remarked the friend of a magistrate, who had
+dropped in at the police court.
+
+"Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice, "you are looking at the wrong
+bunch. Those are the lawyers."
+
+
+"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his pal
+emerged from the window.
+
+"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer," replied the other in
+disgust.
+
+"Dat's hard luck," said the first; "did youse lose anyt'ing?"
+
+
+The dean of the Law Department was very busy and rather cross. The
+telephone rang.
+
+"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
+
+"Is that the city gas-works?" said a woman's soft voice.
+
+"No, madam," roared the dean; "this is the University Law Department."
+
+"Ah," she answered in the sweetest of tones, "I didn't miss it so far,
+after all, did I?"--_Carl Holliday_.
+
+
+A lawyer cross-examining a witness, asked him where he was on a
+particular day; to which he replied that he had been in the company of
+two friends. "Friends.'" exclaimed his tormentor; "two thieves, I
+suppose." "They may be so," replied the witness, dryly, "for they are
+both lawyers."
+
+
+An impecunious young lawyer recently received the following letter from
+a tailor to whom he was indebted:
+
+    "Dear Sir: Kindly advise me by return mail when I may expect a
+    remittance from you in settlement of my account.
+
+    Yours truly,
+
+    J. SNIPPEN."
+
+The follower of Blackstone immediately replied:
+
+    "Dear Sir: I have your request for advice of a recent date,
+    and beg leave to say that not having received any retainer
+    from you I cannot act in the premises. Upon receipt of your
+    check for $250 I shall be very glad to look the matter up for
+    you and to acquaint you with the results of my investigations.
+
+    I am, sir, with great respect, your most obedient servant,
+
+    BARCLAY B. COKE."
+
+
+A prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court, but was not
+represented by a lawyer.
+
+"Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided.
+
+"I have none, sir," replied the prisoner.
+
+"Why not?" queried the judge.
+
+"Because I have no money to pay one."
+
+"Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Well, there are Mr. Thomas W. Wilson, Mr. Henry Eddy, and Mr. George
+Rogers," said the judge, pointing to several young attorneys who were
+sitting in the room, waiting for something to turn up, "and Mr. Allen is
+out in the hall."
+
+The prisoner looked at the attorneys, and, after a critical survey, he
+turned to the judge and said:
+
+"If I can take my choice, sir, I guess I'll take Mr. Allen."--_A.S.
+Hitchcock_.
+
+
+"What is that little boy crying about?" asked the benevolent old lady of
+the ragged boy.
+
+"Dat other kid swiped his candy," was the response.
+
+"But how is it that you have the candy now?"
+
+"Sure I got de candy now. I'm de little kid's lawyer."
+
+
+A man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole in the
+sidewalk and broke his leg. He engaged a famous lawyer, brought suit
+against the village for one thousand dollars and won the case. The city
+appealed to the Supreme Court, but again the great lawyer won.
+
+After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed
+him one dollar.
+
+"What's this?" asked the man.
+
+"That's your damages, after taking out my fee, the cost of appeal and
+other expenses," replied the counsel.
+
+The man looked at the dollar, turned it over and carefully scanned the
+other side. Then looked up at the lawyer and said: "What's the matter
+with this dollar? Is it counterfeit?"
+
+
+Deceive not thy Physician, Confessor nor Lawyer.
+
+
+  A Sergeant of the Lawe, war and wys
+  Ther was also, ful riche of excellence.
+  Discreet he was, and of greet reverence:
+  He seemed swich, his wordes weren so wyse.
+                   * * *
+  No-wher so bisy a man as he ther nas,
+  And yet he seemed bisier than he was.
+
+  --_Chaucer_.
+
+
+
+
+LAZINESS
+
+
+A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous
+old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a
+stretch.
+
+"Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots of
+money shipping green corn to the northern market."
+
+"Yes, I otter," was the sullen reply.
+
+"You have the land, I suppose, and can get the seed."
+
+"Yes, I guess so."
+
+"Then why don't you go into the speculation?"
+
+"No use, stranger," sadly replied the cracker, "the old woman is too
+lazy to do the plowin' and plantin'."
+
+
+While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one of the
+passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front of which sat
+a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native why the dog was
+howling.
+
+"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy."
+
+"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is
+painful."
+
+"'Taint," responded the garrulous native.
+
+"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"
+
+"Lazy."
+
+"But why does laziness make him howl?"
+
+"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a
+sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets thar
+an' howls 'cause it hurts."
+
+
+"How's times?" inquired a tourist.
+
+"Oh, pretty tolerable," responded the old native who was sitting on a
+stump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along and saved
+me the trouble."
+
+"Fine."
+
+"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the
+trouble of burnin' it."
+
+"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?"
+
+"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along and
+shake the potatoes out of the ground."
+
+
+A tramp, after a day or two in the hustling, bustling town of Denver,
+shook the Denver dust from his boots with a snarl.
+
+"They must be durn lazy people in this town. Everywhere you turn they
+offer you work to do."
+
+
+An Atlanta man tells of an amusing experience he had in a mountainous
+region in a southwestern state, where the inhabitants are notoriously
+shiftless. Arriving at a dilapidated shanty at the noon hour, he
+inquired as to the prospects for getting dinner.
+
+The head of the family, who had been "resting" on a fallen tree in front
+of his dwelling, made reply to the effect that he "guessed Ma'd hev
+suthin' on to the table putty soon."
+
+With this encouragement, the traveler dismounted. To his chagrin,
+however, he soon discovered that the food set before him was such that
+he could not possibly "make a meal." He made such excuses as he could
+for his lack of appetite, and finally bethought himself of a kind of
+nourishment which he might venture to take, and which was sure to be
+found in any locality. He asked for some milk.
+
+"Don't have milk no more," said the head of the place. "The dawg's
+dead."
+
+"The dog!" cried the stranger. "What on earth has the dog to do with
+it?"
+
+"Well," explained the host meditatively, "them cows don't seem to know
+'nough to come up and be milked theirselves. The dog, he used to go for
+'em an' fetch 'em up."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+Some temptations come to the industrious, but all temptations attack the
+idle.--_Spurgeon_.
+
+
+
+
+LEAP YEAR
+
+
+A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:
+
+"George, as it is leap year--"
+
+The caller turned pale.
+
+"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly
+now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose--"
+
+"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George interrupted
+hurriedly.
+
+"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap year, I
+thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligible
+fellows a chance."--_L.F. Clarke_.
+
+
+
+
+LEGISLATORS
+
+
+Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an
+insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in the
+investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner one of the fair
+unfortunates to whom he was introduced.
+
+"I don't remember having seen you here before," said she; "how long have
+you been in the asylum?"
+
+"Oh, I only came down yesterday," said the gentleman, "as one of the
+Legislative Committee."
+
+"Of course," returned the lady; "how stupid I am! However, I knew you
+were an inmate or a member of the Legislature the moment I looked at
+you. But how was I to know? It is so difficult to know which."
+
+
+
+
+LIARS
+
+
+There are three kinds of liars:
+
+1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone.
+
+2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a careful
+study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he will find out
+that you are a hypocrite.
+
+3. The man who can't believe himself. He is a cautious individual.
+Encourage him.
+
+
+Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when one
+made a misstep and fell to the ground. The other leaned over and called:
+
+"Are yez dead or alive, Mike?"
+
+"Oi'm alive," said Mike feebly.
+
+"Sure you're such a liar Oi don't know whether to belave yez or not."
+
+"Well, then, Oi must be dead," said Mike, "for yez would never dare to
+call me a liar if Oi wor aloive."
+
+
+FATHER (reprovingly)--"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?"
+
+JOHNNY--"Yes, sir; they lie still."
+
+
+A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with a
+most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his
+absence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied:
+
+"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a
+letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get
+drunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her shamefully."
+
+The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at the
+door, asking: "Sor, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but as mon to
+mon?"
+
+"Yes; what is it?"
+
+"Well, sor, what I'm after sayin' is this," approaching the captain and
+lowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most iligant liars the
+Lord ever made. I'm not married at all."
+
+
+A conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to the proper
+pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often startled upon
+arrival at his station to hear the conductor yell:
+
+"You're a liar! You're a liar!"
+
+And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car:
+
+"You really are! You really are!"
+
+
+MOTHER--"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told stories when I was
+a little girl."
+
+BOBBY--"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"--_Horace Zimmerman_.
+
+
+The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of old Si
+Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in.
+
+"What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would you
+call Si Perkins a liar?"
+
+"Well," answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied the
+ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar exactly,
+but I do know this much: when feedin' time comes, in order to get any
+response from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to call 'em for
+him."
+
+
+A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever present help in time
+of trouble.
+
+
+An Idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy young
+easterners desirous of hunting in the Northwest evidently took them to
+be the greenest of tenderfoots, since he undertook to chaff them with a
+recital something as follows:
+
+"It was my first grizzly, so I was mighty proud to kill him in a
+hand-to-hand struggle. We started to fight about sunrise. When he
+finally gave up the ghost, the sun was going down."
+
+At this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story. Not a
+word was said by the easterners, so the guide added very slowly, "_for
+the second time_."
+
+"I gather, then," said one young gentleman, a dapper little Bostonian,
+"that it required a period of two days to enable you to dispose of that
+grizzly."
+
+"Two days and a night," said the guide, with a grin. "That grizzly died
+mighty hard."
+
+"Choked to death?" asked the Bostonian.
+
+"Yes, _sir_," said the guide.
+
+"Pardon me," continued the Hubbite, "but what did you try to get him to
+swallow?"
+
+
+  When by night the frogs are croaking,
+  Kindle but a torch's fire;
+  Ha! how soon they all are silent;
+  Thus Truth silences the liar.
+
+  --_Friedrich von Logan_.
+
+
+_See also_ Epitaphs; Husbands; Politicians; Real estate agents; Regrets.
+
+
+
+
+LIBERTY
+
+
+Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be
+slaves of the things we do like.
+
+
+  A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty
+  Is worth a whole eternity in bondage.
+
+  --_Addison_.
+
+
+Where liberty dwells, there is my country.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
+
+
+
+
+LIBRARIANS
+
+
+A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The Public
+Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the annual
+cleaning and vacation of the librarians."
+
+
+The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the statement
+that the requests for books with queer titles are filled with ones
+really wanted. The following are instances:
+
+    AS ASKED FOR                   CORRECT TITLE
+
+    _Indecent Orders               In Deacon's Orders
+    She Combeth Not Her Head       She Cometh Not, She Said
+    Trial of a Servant             Trail of the Serpent
+    Essays of a Liar               Essays of Elia
+    Soap and Tables                AEsop's Fables
+    Pocketbook's Hill              Puck of Pook's Hill
+    Dentist's Infirmary            Dante's Inferno
+    Holy Smoke                     Divine Fire_
+
+
+One librarian has the following entries in a card catalog:
+
+  Lead Poisoning
+  Do, Kindly Light.
+
+
+A distinguished librarian is a good follower of Chesterton. He says: "To
+my way of thinking, a great librarian must have a clear head, a strong
+hand and, above all, a great heart. Such shall be greatest among
+librarians; and when I look into the future, I am inclined to think that
+most of the men who will achieve this greatness will be women."
+
+
+Many catalogers append notes to the main entries of their catalogs. Here
+are two:
+
+  _An Ideal Husband_:
+    Essentially a work of fiction,
+     and presumably written by a
+     woman (unmarried).
+
+  _Aspects of Home Rule_:
+    Political, not domestic.
+
+
+In a branch library a reader asked for _The Girl He Married_ (by James
+Grant.) This happened to be out, and the assistant was requested to
+select a similar book. Presumably he was a benedict, for he returned
+triumphantly with _His Better Half_ (by George Griffith).
+
+
+"Have you _A Joy Forever_?" inquired a lady borrower.
+
+"No," replied the assistant librarian after referring to the
+stock. "Dear me, how tiresome," said the lady; "have you Praed?" "Yes,
+madam, but it isn't any good," was the prompt reply.
+
+
+
+
+LIFE
+
+
+Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, some
+float and the rest--sink.
+
+
+  I count life just a stuff
+  To try the soul's strength on.
+
+  --_Robert Browning_.
+
+
+  May you live as long as you like,
+  And have what you like as long as you live.
+
+
+  "Live, while you live," the epicure would say,
+  "And seize the pleasures of the present day;"
+  "Live, while you live," the sacred Preacher cries,
+  "And give to God each moment as it flies."
+  "Lord, in my views let both united be;
+  I live in _pleasure_, when I live to _Thee_."
+
+  --_Philip Doddridge_.
+
+
+  This world that we're a-livin' in
+    Is mighty hard to beat,
+  For you get a thorn with every rose--
+    But ain't the roses sweet!
+
+
+Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff
+life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
+
+
+
+
+LISPING
+
+
+"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an
+unusual lisp.
+
+"Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk."
+
+
+
+
+LOST AND FOUND
+
+
+"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I
+kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised
+'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'"
+
+
+"What were you in for?" asked the friend.
+
+"I found a horse."
+
+"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a horse."
+
+"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him."
+
+
+"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no
+longer--it has been found."--_Brooklyn Life_.
+
+
+A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost a
+cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutely
+certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he posted
+this notice:
+
+"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply appreciate
+its immediate return."
+
+That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was posted, what
+were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto were
+these lines:
+
+"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor if the
+owner would kindly lose the other link."
+
+
+CHINAMAN--"You tellee me where railroad depot?"
+
+CITIZEN--"What's the matter, John? Lost?"
+
+CHINAMAN--"No! me here. Depot lost."
+
+
+
+
+LOVE
+
+
+Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's
+board-bill for life.
+
+
+MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a
+man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?"
+
+MRS. SLIMPURSE--"Yes; but that is no reason why I should let our
+daughter make the same blunder."
+
+
+MAUDE--"Jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold."
+
+ETHEL--"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"
+
+MAUDE--"His creditors."
+
+
+RICH MAN--"Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?"
+
+SUITOR--"Why, certainly!"
+
+RICH MAN--"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in this family."
+
+
+  'Tis better to have lived and loved
+  Than never to have lived at all.
+
+  --_Judge_.
+
+
+May we have those in our arms that we love in our hearts.
+
+
+Here's to love, the only fire against which there is no insurance.
+
+
+  Here's to those that I love;
+  Here's to those who love me;
+  Here's to those who love those that I love.
+  Here's to those who love those who love me.
+
+
+It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is better
+than not to be able to love at all.--_Thackeray_.
+
+
+  Mysterious love, uncertain treasure,
+  Hast thou more of pain or pleasure!
+  *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
+  Endless torments dwell about thee:
+  Yet who would live, and live without thee!
+
+  --_Addison_.
+
+
+    O, love, love, love!
+    Love is like a dizziness;
+  It winna let a poor body
+      Gang about his biziness!
+
+  --_Hogg_.
+
+
+Let the man who does not wish to be idle, fall in love.--_Ovid_.
+
+
+
+
+LOYALTY
+
+
+Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the other
+morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening,
+got into his auto and started for town.
+
+At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began to get
+nervous. When the hour of midnight arrived she could bear the suspense
+no longer, so she aroused her father and sent him off to the telegraph
+office with six telegrams to as many brother Elks living in town, asking
+each if her husband was stopping with him overnight.
+
+Morning came, and the frantic wife had received no intelligence of the
+missing man. As dawn appeared, a farm wagon containing a farmer and the
+derelict husband drove up to the house, while behind the wagon trailed
+the broken-down auto. Almost simultaneously came a messenger boy with an
+answer to one of the telegrams, followed at intervals by five others.
+All of them read:
+
+"Yes, John is spending the night with me."--_Bush Phillips_.
+
+
+BOY--"Come quick, there's a man been fighting my father more'n half an
+hour."
+
+POLICEMAN--"Why didn't you tell me before?"
+
+BOY--"'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few minutes ago."
+
+
+
+
+LUCK
+
+
+Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet
+it.--_Douglas Jerrold_.
+
+
+  O, once in each man's life, at least,
+    Good luck knocks at his door;
+  And wit to seize the flitting guest
+    Need never hunger more.
+  But while the loitering idler waits
+    Good luck beside his fire,
+  The bold heart storms at fortunes gates,
+    And conquers its desire.
+
+  --_Lewis J. Bates_.
+
+
+"Tommy," said his brother, "you're a regular little glutton. How can you
+eat so much?"
+
+"Don't know; it's just good luck," replied the youngster.
+
+
+A negro who was having one misfortune after another said he was having
+as bad luck as the man with only a fork when it was raining soup.
+
+
+_See also_ Windfalls.
+
+
+
+
+MAINE
+
+
+The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what
+the people of different states were called.
+
+"Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; the
+people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from Michigan we know
+as 'Michiganders.' Now, what little boy or girl can tell me what the
+people of Maine are called?"
+
+"I know," said a little girl.
+
+"Well, what are we called?" asked the Governor.
+
+"Maniacs."
+
+
+
+
+MAKING GOOD
+
+
+"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus.
+
+"Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz playin' wif
+him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, an' on blue to see
+him turn blue, an' on green to see him turn green, an' so on. Den de
+fool gal, not satisfied wif lettin' well enough alone, went an' put him
+on a plaid, an' de poor little thing went an' bust himself tryin' to
+make good."
+
+
+_See also_ Success.
+
+
+
+
+MALARIA
+
+
+The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and
+proceeded to ask the usual questions.
+
+"It--er--seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate with scientific
+interest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills appear on alternate
+days. Do you think--is it your opinion--that they have, so to speak,
+decreased in violence, if I may use that word?"
+
+The patient smiled feebly. "Doc," said he, "on fever days my head's so
+hot I can't think, and on ague days I shake so I can't hold an opinion."
+
+
+
+
+MARKS(WO)MANSHIP
+
+
+An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in New
+Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in attempting
+to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came in the shape of
+his wife.
+
+When the woman came up, the dog had fastened his teeth in the calf of
+her husband's leg and was holding on for dear life. Seizing a stone in
+the road, the Irishman's wife was about to hurl it, when the husband,
+with wonderful presence of mind, shouted:
+
+"Mary! Mary! Don't throw the stone at the dog! throw it at me!"
+
+
+  Mary had a little lamb,
+    It's fleece was gone in spots,
+  For Mary fired her father's gun,
+    And lamby caught the shots!
+
+  --_Columbia Jester_.
+
+
+
+
+MARRIAGE
+
+
+MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?"
+
+MRS. SAGG--"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a husband dat's
+skeered to death of her!"
+
+
+"Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of
+fever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had supplied. "Where am
+I--in heaven?"
+
+"No, dear," cooed his wife; "I am still with you."
+
+
+Archbishop Ryan was visiting a small parish in a mining district one day
+for the purpose of administering confirmation, and asked one nervous
+little girl what matrimony is.
+
+"It is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are compelled
+to undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and better world,"
+she said.
+
+"No, no," remonstrated her rector; "that isn't matrimony: that's the
+definition of purgatory."
+
+"Leave her alone," said the Archbishop; "maybe she is right. What do you
+and I know about it?"
+
+
+"Was Helen's marriage a success?"
+
+"Goodness, yes. Why, she is going to marry a nobleman on the
+alimony."--_Judge_.
+
+
+JENNIE--"What makes George such a pessimist?"
+
+JACK--"Well, he's been married three times--once for love, once for
+money and the last time for a home."
+
+
+Matrimony is the root of all evil.
+
+
+One day Mary, the charwoman, reported for service with a black eye.
+
+"Why, Mary," said her sympathetic mistress, "what a bad eye you have!"
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Well, there's one consolation. It might have been worse."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"You might have had both of them hurt."
+
+"Yes'm. Or worse'n that: I might not ha' been married at all."
+
+
+A wife placed upon her husband's tombstone: "He had been married forty
+years and was prepared to die."
+
+
+"I can take a hundred words a minute," said the stenographer.
+
+"I often take more than that," said the prospective employer; "but then
+I have to, I'm married."
+
+
+A man and his wife were airing their troubles on the sidewalk one
+Saturday evening when a good Samaritan intervened.
+
+"See here, my man," he protested, "this sort of thing won't do."
+
+"What business is it of yours, I'd like to know," snarled the man,
+turning from his wife.
+
+"It's only my business in so far as I can be of help in settling this
+dispute," answered the Samaritan mildly.
+
+"This ain't no dispute," growled the man.
+
+"No dispute! But, my dear friend--"
+
+"I tell you it ain't no dispute," insisted the man. "She"--jerking his
+thumb toward the woman--"thinks she ain't goin to get my week's wages,
+and I know darn well she ain't. Where's the dispute in that?"
+
+
+HIS BETTER HALF--"I think it's time we got Lizzie married and settled
+down, Alfred. She will be twenty-eight next week you know."
+
+HER LESSER HALF--"Oh, don't hurry, my dear. Better wait till the right
+sort of man comes along."
+
+HIS BETTER HALF--"But why wait? I didn't!"
+
+
+O'Flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black crape around
+his hat.
+
+"Why, Mike!" exclaimed his wife. "What are ye wearin' thot mournful
+thing for?"
+
+"I'm wearin' it for yer first husband," replied Mike firmly. "I'm sorry
+he's dead."
+
+
+"What a strangely interesting face your friend the poet has," gurgled
+the maiden of forty. "It seems to possess all the elements of happiness
+and sorrow, each struggling for supremacy."
+
+"Yes, he looks to me like a man who was married and didn't know it,"
+growled the Cynical Bachelor.
+
+
+The not especially sweet-tempered young wife of a Kaslo B.C., man one
+day approached her lord concerning the matter of one hundred dollars or
+so.
+
+"I'd like to let you have it, my dear," began the husband, "but the
+fact is I haven't that amount in the bank this morning--that is to say,
+I haven't that amount to spare, inasmuch as I must take up a note for
+two hundred dollars this afternoon."
+
+"Oh, very well, James!" said the wife, with an ominous calmness, "If you
+think the man who holds the note can make things any hotter for you than
+I can--why, do as you say, James!"
+
+
+A young lady entered a book store and inquired of the gentlemanly
+clerk--a married man, by-the-way--if he had a book suitable for an old
+gentleman who had been married fifty years.
+
+Without the least hesitation the clerk reached for a copy of Parkman's
+"A Half Century of Conflict."
+
+
+Smith and Jones were discussing the question of who should be head of
+the house--the man or the woman.
+
+"I am the head of my establishment," said Jones. "I am the bread-winner.
+Why shouldn't I be?"
+
+"Well," replied Smith, "before my wife and I were married we made an
+agreement that I should make the rulings in all major things, my wife in
+all the minor."
+
+"How has it worked?" queried Jones.
+
+Smith smiled. "So far," he replied, "no major matters have come up."
+
+
+A poor lady the other day hastened to the nursery and said to her little
+daughter:
+
+"Minnie, what do you mean by shouting and screaming? Play quietly, like
+Tommy. See, he doesn't make a sound."
+
+"Of course he doesn't," said the little girl. "That is our game. He is
+papa coming home late, and I am you."
+
+
+The stranger advanced toward the door. Mrs. O'Toole stood in the doorway
+with a rough stick in her left hand and a frown on her brow.
+
+"Good morning," said the stranger politely. "I'm looking for Mr.
+O'Toole."
+
+"So'm I," said Mrs. O'Toole, shifting her club over to her other hand.
+
+
+TIM--"Sarer Smith (you know 'er--Bill's missus), she throwed herself
+horf the end uv the wharf larst night."
+
+TOM--"Poor Sarer!"
+
+TIM--"An' a cop fished 'er out again."
+
+TOM--"Poor Bill!"
+
+
+The cooing stops with the honeymoon, but the billing goes on forever.
+
+
+"Well, old man, how did you get along after I left you at midnight. Get
+home all right?"
+
+"No; a confounded nosey policeman haled me to the station, where I spent
+the rest of the night."
+
+"Lucky dog! I reached home."
+
+
+STRANGER--"What's the fight about?"
+
+NATIVE--"The feller on top is Hank Hill wot married the widder Strong,
+an' th' other's Joel Jenks, wot interdooced him to her."--_Life_.
+
+
+A colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and cruelly
+misusing his wife. After hearing the charge against the prisoner, the
+justice turned to the first witness.
+
+"Madam," he said, "if this man were your husband and had given you a
+beating, would you call in the police?"
+
+The woman addressed, a veritable Amazon in size and aggressiveness,
+turned a smiling countenance towards the justice and answered: "No,
+jedge. If he was mah husban', and he treated me lak he did 'is wife, Ah
+wouldn't call no p'liceman. No, sah, Ah'd call de undertaker."
+
+
+We admire the strict impartiality of the judge who recently fined his
+wife twenty-five dollars for contempt of court, but we would hate to
+have been in the judge's shoes when he got home that night.
+
+
+"How many children have you?" asked the census-taker.
+
+The man addressed removed the pipe from his mouth, scratched his head,
+thought it over a moment, and then replied:
+
+"Five--four living and one married."
+
+
+SHE--"How did they ever come to marry?"
+
+HE--"Oh, it's the same old story. Started out to be good friends, you
+know, and later on changed their minds."--_Puck_.
+
+
+Nat Goodwin and a friend were walking along Fifth Avenue one afternoon
+when they stopped to look into a florist's window, in which there was an
+artistic arrangement of exquisite roses.
+
+"What wonderful American Beauties those are, Nat!" said the friend
+delightedly.
+
+"They are, indeed," replied Nat.
+
+"You see, I am very fond of that flower," continued the friend. "In
+fact, I might say it is my favorite. You know, Nat, I married an
+American beauty."
+
+"Well," said Nat dryly, "you haven't got anything on me. I married a
+cluster."
+
+
+"Are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last month?"
+
+"Of course! What's the matter?"
+
+"Well, I thought there might be some mistake, seeing that I've lived a
+dog's life ever since."
+
+
+Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
+of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and
+such as are out wish to get in.--_Emerson_.
+
+
+HOUSEHOLDER--"Here, drop that coat and clear out!"
+
+BURGLAR--"You be quiet, or I'll wake your wife and give her this letter
+I found in your pocket."
+
+
+The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend
+their time in making nets, not in making cages.--_Swift_.
+
+
+_See also_ Church discipline; Domestic finance; Trouble.
+
+
+
+
+MARRIAGE FEES
+
+
+A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand
+for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the consenting
+parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of
+financial resources. The father was obdurate. "No money, no marriage."
+
+"Give me l'ave, your riverence," said the blushing bride, "to go and get
+the money."
+
+It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a
+marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval she returned
+with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the
+satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the newly-made
+wife seemed a little uneasy.
+
+"Anything on your mind, Catherine?" said the father.
+
+"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not
+be spoiled now."
+
+"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder."
+
+"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil the
+marriage?"
+
+"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to do with
+your marriage."
+
+"That aises me mind," said Catherine, "and God bless your riverence.
+There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the lobby and pawned
+it."
+
+
+MANDY--"What foh yo' been goin'to de post-office so reg'lar? Are yo'
+corresponding wif some other female?"
+
+RASTUS--"Nope; but since ah been a-readin' in de papers 'bout dese
+'conscience funds' ah kind of thought ah might possibly git a lettah
+from dat ministah what married us."--_Life_.
+
+
+  The knot was tied; the pair were wed,
+  And then the smiling bridegroom said
+  Unto the preacher, "Shall I pay
+  To you the usual fee today.
+  Or would you have me wait a year
+  And give you then a hundred clear,
+  If I should find the marriage state
+  As happy as I estimate?"
+  The preacher lost no time in thought,
+  To his reply no study brought,
+  There were no wrinkles on his brow:
+  Said he, "I'll take three dollars now."
+
+
+
+
+MATHEMATICS
+
+
+_See_ Arithmetic.
+
+
+
+
+
+MATRIMONY
+
+
+_See_ Marriage.
+
+
+
+
+
+MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
+
+
+"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short
+and stout friend on Washington Street.
+
+"What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other.
+
+"Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to Brother
+Smith's dey are measurin' de house for some new carpets. Dey haven't got
+no yawdstick, and I's just ezactly six feet tall. So to oblige Brother
+Smith, I's been a-layin' down and a-gettin' up all over deir house."
+
+
+
+
+MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
+
+
+PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?"
+
+THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of
+the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a
+perfect kid."
+
+
+
+
+MEDICINE
+
+
+The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor
+came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something
+to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his
+medicine case, gave the animal some powders. The mule switched his tail,
+tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road. The farmer
+looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor.
+
+"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked.
+
+"Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician.
+
+"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. "I've got
+to catch that mule."
+
+
+"I hope you are following my instructions carefully, Sandy--the pills
+three times a day and a drop of whisky at bedtime."
+
+"Weeel, sir, I may be a wee bit behind wi' the pills, but I'm about six
+weeks in front wi' the whusky."
+
+
+Rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon an
+innocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing in a
+western newspaper. He wrote: "Wanted--a gentleman to undertake the sale
+of a patent medicine. The advertiser guarantees it will be profitable to
+the undertaker."
+
+
+I firmly believe that if the whole _materia medico_ could be sunk to the
+bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind and all the
+worse for the fishes.--_O.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+A man's own observation, what he finds good of, and what he finds hurt
+of, is the best physic to preserve health.--_Bacon_.
+
+
+
+
+MEEKNESS
+
+One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all
+the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward
+ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the
+library table, upon which were spread several sheets of paper.
+
+"What are you going to do with all that paper, Henry?" demanded the
+wife.
+
+"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband.
+
+"A wish?"
+
+"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will."
+
+
+
+
+MEMORIALS
+
+Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their
+race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.
+Said the cook:
+
+"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on
+my grave. Jes' plant a good old watermelon-vine; an' when she gits ripe,
+you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes' bus' it on de grave, an'
+let de good old juice dribble down thro' de ground!"
+
+
+"That's rather a handsome mantelpiece you have there, Mr. Binkston,"
+said the visitor.
+
+"Yes," replied Mr. Binkston, proudly. "That is a memorial to my wife."
+
+"Why--I was not aware that Mrs. Binkston had passed away," said the
+visitor sympathetically.
+
+"Oh no, indeed, she hasn't," smiled Mr. Binkston. "She is serving her
+thirtieth sojourn in jail. That mantelpiece is built of the bricks she
+was convicted of throwing."
+
+
+
+
+MEMORY
+
+
+"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a
+drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you
+remember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?"
+
+"No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him, but I done
+fo'got sence I jined de chu'ch."
+
+
+A noted college president, attending a banquet in Boston, was surprised
+to see that the darky who took the hats at the door gave no checks in
+return.
+
+"He has a most wonderful memory," a fellow diner explained. "He's been
+doing that for years and prides himself upon never having made a
+mistake."
+
+As the college president was leaving, the darky passed him his hat.
+
+"How do you know that this one is mine?"
+
+"I don't know it, suh," admitted the darky.
+
+"Then why do you give it to me?"
+
+"'Cause yo' gave it to me, suh."
+
+
+"Tommy," said his mother reprovingly, "what did I say I'd do to you if I
+ever caught you stealing jam again?"
+
+Tommy thoughtfully scratched his head with his sticky fingers.
+
+"Why, that's funny, ma, that you should forget it, too. Hanged if I can
+remember." Smith is a young New York lawyer, clever in many ways, but
+very forgetful. He was recently sent to St. Louis to interview an
+important client in regard to a case then pending in the Missouri
+courts. Later the head of his firm received this telegram from St.
+Louis:
+
+"Have forgotten name of client. Please wire at once."
+
+This was the reply sent from New York:
+
+"Client's name Jenkins. Your name Smith."
+
+
+  When time who steals our years away
+    Shall steal our pleasures too,
+  The mem'ry of the past will stay
+    And half our joys renew.
+
+  --_Moore_.
+
+
+  The heart hath its own memory, like the mind,
+    And in it are enshrined
+  The precious keepsakes, into which is wrought
+    The giver's loving thought.
+
+  --_Longfellow_.
+
+
+
+
+MEN
+
+
+  Here's to the men! God bless them!
+    Worst of me sins, I confess them!
+  In loving them all; be they great or small,
+    So here's to the boys! God bless them!
+
+
+    May all single men be married,
+    And all married men be happy.
+
+
+"What is your ideal man?"
+
+"One who is clever enough to make money and foolish enough to spend it!"
+
+
+I have thought some of Nature's journeymen had made men and not made
+them well, they imitated humanity so abominably.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+    Men are four:
+  He who knows and knows not that he knows,--
+    He is asleep--wake him;
+  He who knows not and knows not that he knows not,--
+    He is a fool--shun him;
+  He who knows not and knows that he knows not,--
+    He is a child--teach him;
+  He who knows and knows that He knows,--
+    He is a king--follow him.
+
+
+_See also_ Dogs; Husbands.
+
+
+
+
+MESSAGES
+
+
+"Have you the rent ready?"
+
+"No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you."
+
+"Did she tell you she'd forgotten?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+
+One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who,
+while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would acquaint his
+wife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the telegraph office and
+sent this message: "Dear Pat, I am saved. Break it gently to my wife."
+
+
+
+
+METAPHOR
+
+
+It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the
+woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out:
+
+"It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of
+the advancing wave that is sounding the clarion of equal rights."
+
+
+A water consumer in Los Angeles, California, whose supply had been
+turned off because he wouldn't pay, wrote to the department as follows:
+
+"In the matter of shutting off the water on unpaid bills, your company
+is fast becoming a regular crystallized Russian bureaucracy, running in
+a groove and deaf to the appeals of reform. There is no use of your
+trying to impugn the verity of this indictment by shaking your official
+heads in the teeth of your own deeds.
+
+"If you will persist in this kind of thing, a widespread conflagration
+of the populace will be so imminent that it will require only a spark to
+let loose the dogs of war in our midst. Will you persist in hurling the
+corner stone of our personal liberty to your wolfish hounds of
+collectors, thirsting for its blood? If you persist, the first thing you
+know you will have the chariot of a justly indignant revolution rolling
+along in our midst and gnashing its teeth as it rolls.
+
+"If your rascally collectors are permitted to continue coming to our
+doors with unblushing footsteps, with cloaks of hypocritical compunction
+in their mouths, and compel payment from your patrons, this policy will
+result in cutting the wool off the sheep that lays the golden egg, until
+you have pumped it dry--and then farewell, a long farewell, to our
+vaunted prosperity."
+
+
+
+
+MICE
+
+
+"What's the matter with Briggs?"
+
+"He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the
+floor."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+
+MIDDLE CLASSES
+
+
+WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?"
+
+PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to
+accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything."
+
+
+
+
+
+MILITANTS
+
+
+_See_ Suffragettes.
+
+
+
+
+
+MILITARY DISCIPLINE
+
+
+Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and
+by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop.
+
+"Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without
+orders."
+
+Murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the ground.
+
+"Murphy!" yelled the sergeant, when he discovered him lying breathless
+on the ground, "you dismounted!"
+
+"I did."
+
+"Did you have orders?"
+
+"I did."
+
+"From headquarters, I suppose?"
+
+"No, sor; from hintquarters."
+
+
+"How dare you come on parade," exclaimed an Irish sergeant to a recruit,
+"before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head to foot in
+graise an' poipe clay? Tell me now--answer me when I spake to yez!"
+
+The recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when the
+sergeant stopped him.
+
+"Dare yez to answer me when I puts a question to yez?" he cried. "Hould
+yer lyin' tongue, and open your face at yer peril! Tell me now, what
+have ye been doin' wid yer uniform an' arms an' bills? Not a word, or
+I'll clap yez in the guardroom. When I axes yez anything an' yez spakes
+I'll have yez tried for insolence to yer superior officer, but if yez
+don't answer when I questions yez, I'll have yez punished for
+disobedience of orders! So, yez see, I have yez both ways!"
+
+
+Mistake, error, is the discipline through which we advance.--_Channing_.
+
+
+
+
+MILLINERS
+
+
+Recipe for a milliner:
+
+  To a presence that's much more than queenly,
+    Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere;
+  You feel like a worm in her sight when she says,
+    "Only $300, my dear!"
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+MILLIONAIRES
+
+
+Recipe for a multi-millionaire:
+
+  Take a boy with bare feet as a starter
+   Add thrift and sobriety, mixed--
+  Flavor with quarts of religion,
+    And see that the tariff is fixed.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)--"Be off with you this minute!"
+
+BEGGAR--"Look 'ere, mister; the only difference between you and me is
+that you are makin' your second million, while I am still workin' at my
+first."
+
+
+"Now that you have made $50,000,000, I suppose you are going to keep
+right on for the purpose of trying to get a hundred millions?"
+
+"No, sir. You do me an injustice. I'm going to put in the rest of my
+time trying to get my conscience into a satisfactory condition."
+
+
+"When I was a young man," said Mr. Cumrox, "I thought nothing of working
+twelve or fourteen hours a day."
+
+"Father," replied the young man with sporty clothes, "I wish you
+wouldn't mention it. Those non-union sentiments are liable to make you
+unpopular."
+
+
+No good man ever became suddenly rich.--_Syrus_.
+
+
+  And all to leave what with his toil he won,
+  To that unfeather'd two-legged thing, a son.
+
+  --_Dryden_.
+
+
+_See also_ Capitalists.
+
+
+
+
+MINORITIES
+
+
+Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his
+plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience:
+
+"What do you think of it?"
+
+This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man in the
+pit assembled his scattered wits and cried:
+
+"Rotten!"
+
+Shaw made a curtsey and melted the house with one of his Irish smiles.
+
+"My friend," he said, shrugging his shoulders and indicating the crowd
+in front, "I quite agree with you, but what are we two against so many?"
+
+
+
+
+MISERS
+
+
+  There was an old man of Nantucket
+  Who kept all his cash in a bucket;
+    But his daughter, named Nan,
+    Ran away with a man--
+  And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
+
+
+A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die rich.--_Robert Burton_.
+
+
+
+
+MISSIONARIES
+
+
+SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!"
+
+HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste in
+religion!"
+
+
+At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a large city
+church a discussion arose among the members present as to the race of
+people that inhabited a far-away land. Some insisted that they were not
+a man-eating people; others that they were known to be cannibals.
+However, the question was finally decided by a minister's widow, who
+said:
+
+"I beg pardon for interrupting, Mrs. Chairman, but I can assure you that
+they are cannibals. My husband was a missionary there and they ate him."
+
+
+
+
+MISSIONS
+
+
+"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as she
+entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing broken
+toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general debris into an open
+box.
+
+"Why, mother," cried Hilda, "can't you see? I'm packing a missionary box
+just the way the ladies do; and it's all right," she added reassuringly,
+"I haven't put in a single thing that's any good at all!"
+
+
+
+
+MISTAKEN IDENTITY
+
+
+  There was a young fellow named Paul,
+  Who went to a fancy dress ball;
+    They say, just for fun
+    He dressed up like a bun,
+  And was "et" by a dog in the hall.
+
+
+A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London, entered a
+bric-a-brac shop, in search of something odd to take home to Scotland
+with her. After she had inspected several articles, but had found none
+to suit her, she noticed a quaint figure, the head and shoulders of
+which appeared above the counter.
+
+"What is that Japanese idol over there worth?" she inquired of the
+salesman.
+
+The salesman's reply was given in a subdued tone:
+
+"About half a million, madam. That's the proprietor!"
+
+
+The late James McNeil Whistler was standing bareheaded in a hat shop,
+the clerk having taken his hat to another part of the shop for
+comparison. A man rushed in with his hat in his hand, and, supposing
+Whistler to be a clerk angrily confronted him.
+
+"See here," he said, "this hat doesn't fit."
+
+Whistler eyed the stranger critically from head to foot, and then
+drawled out:
+
+"Well, neither does your coat. What's more, if you'll pardon my saying
+so, I'll be hanged if I care much for the color of your trousers."
+
+
+The steamer was on the point of leaving, and the passengers lounged on
+the deck and waited for the start. At length one of them espied a
+cyclist in the far distance, and it soon became evident that he was
+doing his level best to catch the boat.
+
+Already the sailors' hands were on the gangways, and the cyclist's
+chance looked small indeed. Then a sportive passenger wagered a
+sovereign to a shilling that he would miss it. The offer was taken, and
+at once the deck became a scene of wild excitement.
+
+"He'll miss it."
+
+"No; he'll just do it."
+
+"Come on!"
+
+"He won't do it."
+
+"Yes, he will. He's done it. Hurrah!"
+
+In the very nick of time the cyclist arrived, sprang off his machine,
+and ran up the one gangway left.
+
+"Cast off!" he cried.
+
+It was the captain.
+
+
+Much to the curious little girl's disgust, her elder sister and her girl
+friends had quickly closed the door of the back parlor, before she could
+wedge her small self in among them.
+
+She waited uneasily for a little while, then she knocked. No response.
+She knocked again. Still no attention. Her curiosity could be controlled
+no longer. "Dodo!" she called in staccato tones as she knocked once
+again. "'Tain't me! It's Mamma!"
+
+
+
+
+MOLLYCODDLES
+
+
+"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's mother,
+who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new boy on the
+block. "I thought you were such good chums."
+
+"We was," replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a mollycoddle. He paid
+t' git into the ball-grounds."
+
+
+
+
+MONEY
+
+
+In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks for
+children.
+
+One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and withdrew 2
+cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly returned the money.
+
+"So you didn't spend your 2 cents?" observed the worker in charge.
+
+"Oh, no," he replied, "but a fellow just likes to have a little cash on
+hand over Sunday."
+
+
+_See also_ Domestic finance.
+
+
+
+
+MORAL EDUCATION
+
+
+Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing
+quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An
+interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other
+who had done nothing.
+
+"Well," replied the pugilistic one, "last Sunday our lesson in
+Sunday-school was about if a fellow hit you on the left cheek turn the
+other and get another crack, and I just wanted to see if Bobbie knew his
+lesson."
+
+
+
+
+MOSQUITOES
+
+
+Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in Oklahoma
+City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he made:
+
+"A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern colonel on a
+fishing-trip. It was his first visit to the South, and the mosquitoes
+were so bothersome that he was unable to sleep, while at the same time
+he could hear his friend snoring audibly.
+
+"The next morning he approached the old darky who was doing the cooking.
+
+"'Jim,' he said, 'how is it the colonel is able to sleep so soundly with
+so many mosquitoes around?'
+
+"'I'll tell yo', boss,' the darky replied, 'de fust part of de night de
+kernel is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de skeeters, and de last part
+of de night de skeeters is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de kernel.'"
+
+
+_See also_ Applause; New Jersey.
+
+
+
+
+MOTHERS
+
+
+While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of General
+Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before a
+plow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never seen. When his eyes
+had feasted on their beauty he cried to the driver: "Hello good fellow!
+I must have those horses. They are just such animals as I have been
+looking for."
+
+The black man grinned, rolled up the whites of his eyes, put the lash to
+the horses' flanks and turned up another furrow in the rich soil.
+
+The officer waited until he had finished the row; then throwing back his
+cavalier cloak the ensign of the rank dazzled the slave's eyes.
+
+"Better see missus! Better see missus!" he cried waving his hand to the
+south, where above the cedar growth rose the towers of a fine old
+Virginia mansion.
+
+The officer turned up the carriage road and soon was rapping the great
+brass knocker of the front door.
+
+Quickly the door swung upon its ponderous hinges and a grave,
+majestic-looking woman confronted the visitor with an air of inquiry.
+
+"Madam," said the officer doffing his cap and overcome by her dignity,
+"I have come to claim your horses in the name of the Government."
+
+"My horses?" said she, bending upon him a pair of eyes born to command.
+"Sir, you cannot have them. My crops are out and I need my horses in the
+field."
+
+"I am sorry," said the officer, "but I must have them, madam. Such are
+the orders of my chief."
+
+"Your chief? Who is your chief, pray?" she demanded with restrained
+warmth.
+
+"The commander of the American army, General George Washington," replied
+the other, squaring his shoulders and swelling his pride.
+
+A smile of triumph softened the sternness of the woman's features. "You
+go and tell General George Washington for me," said she, "that his
+mother says he cannot have her horses."
+
+
+The wagons of "the greatest show on earth" passed up the avenue at
+daybreak. Their incessant rumbling soon awakened ten-year-old Billie and
+five-year-old brother Robert. Their mother feigned sleep as the two
+white-robed figures crept past her bed into the hall, on the way to
+investigate. Robert struggled manfully with the unaccustomed task of
+putting on his clothes. "Wait for me, Billie," his mother heard him beg.
+"You'll get ahead of me."
+
+"Get mother to help you," counseled Billie, who was having troubles of
+his own.
+
+Mother started to the rescue, and then paused as she heard the voice of
+her younger, guarded but anxious and insistent.
+
+"_You_ ask her, Billie. You've known her longer than I have."
+
+
+A little girl, being punished by her mother flew, white with rage, to
+her desk, wrote on a piece of paper, and then going out in the yard she
+dug a hole in the ground, put the paper in it and covered it over. The
+mother, being interested in her child's doings, went out after the
+little girl had gone away, dug up the paper and read:
+
+    _Dear Devil_:
+    Please come and take my mamma away.
+
+
+One morning a little girl hung about the kitchen bothering the busy cook
+to death. The cook lost patience finally. "Clear out o' here, ye sassy
+little brat!" she shouted, thumping the table with a rolling-pin.
+
+The little girl gave the cook a haughty look. "I never allow any one but
+my mother to speak to me like that," she said.
+
+
+The public-spirited lady met the little boy on the street. Something
+about his appearance halted her. She stared at him in her near-sighted
+way.
+
+THE LADY--"Little boy, haven't you any home?"
+
+THE LITTLE BOY--"Oh, yes'm; I've got a home."
+
+THE LADY--"And loving parents?"
+
+THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."
+
+THE LADY--"I'm afraid you do not know what love really is. Do your
+parents look after your moral welfare?"
+
+THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."
+
+THE LADY--"Are they bringing you up to be a good and helpful citizen?"
+
+THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."
+
+THE LADY--"Will you ask your mother to come and hear me talk on 'When
+Does a Mother's Duty to Her Child Begin?' next Saturday afternoon, at
+three o'clock, at Lyceum Hall?"
+
+THE LITTLE BOY (explosively)--"What's th' matter with you ma! Don't you
+know me? I'm your little boy!"
+
+
+  Here's to the happiest hours of my life--
+  Spent in the arms of another man's wife:
+    My mother!
+
+
+                Happy he
+  With such a mother! faith in womankind
+  Beats with his blood, and trust in all things high
+  Comes easy to him, and though he trip and fall,
+  He shall not blind his soul with clay.
+
+  --_Tennyson_.
+
+
+                Women know
+  The way to rear up children (to be just);
+  They know a simple, merry, tender knack
+  Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes,
+  And stringing pretty words that make no sense,
+  And kissing full sense into empty words;
+  Which things are corals to cut life upon,
+  Although such trifles.
+
+  --_E. B. Browning_
+
+
+
+
+MOTHERS-IN-LAW
+
+Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man.
+
+"Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?"
+
+Justice Brewer smiled and answered:
+
+"Two mothers-in-law."
+
+
+SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?"
+
+HE--"By Jove! I hadn't thought of that."
+
+
+WAITER--"Have another glass, sir?"
+
+HUSBAND (to his wife)--"Shall I have another glass, Henrietta?"
+
+WIFE (to her mother)--"Shall he have another, mother?"
+
+
+A blackmailer wrote the following to a wealthy business man: "Send me
+$5,000 or I will abduct your mother-in-law."
+
+To which the business man replied: "Sorry I am short of funds, but your
+proposition interests me."
+
+
+An undertaker telegraphed to a man that his mother-in-law had died and
+asked whether he should bury, embalm or cremate her. The man replied,
+"All three, take no chances."
+
+
+
+
+
+MOTORCYCLES
+
+
+The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community,
+and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without
+any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when a
+motorcycle followed closely in its wake and disappeared like a flash
+around a bend in the road.
+
+"Gee whiz!" he said, turning to his son, "who'd 'a' s'posed that thing
+had a colt?"
+
+
+
+
+
+MOUNTAINS
+
+
+Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having
+victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at long
+range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains. It is
+said that the captain of a steamboat on Kootenay Lake once heard a great
+splash in the water. Looking over the rail, he spied the head of a man
+who was swimming toward his boat. He hailed him. "Do you know," said the
+swimmer, "this is the third time to-day that I've fallen off that bally
+old ranch of mine?"
+
+
+
+
+MOVING PICTURES
+
+
+"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." "Not
+exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. This
+revolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern."
+
+
+
+
+MUCK-RAKING
+
+
+The way of the transgressor is well written up.
+
+
+
+
+MULES
+
+
+Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious
+principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty
+equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known all
+through the army as the Christian brigade, and he was very proud of it.
+
+There was one hardened old sinner in the brigade, however, whose ears
+were deaf to all exhortation. General Howard was particularly anxious to
+convert this man, and one day he went down in the teamsters' part of the
+camp where the man was on duty. He talked with him long and earnestly
+about religion and finally said:
+
+"I want to see you converted. Won't you come to the mourners' bench at
+the next service?"
+
+The erring one rubbed his head thoughtfully for a moment and then
+replied:
+
+"General, I'm plumb willin' to be converted, but if I am, seein' that
+everyone else has got religion, who in blue blazes is goin' to drive the
+mules?"
+
+
+
+
+MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
+
+
+"What's the trouble in Plunkville?"
+
+"We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission."
+
+"Well?"
+
+"Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some good
+magazine."
+
+
+
+
+MUSEUMS
+
+
+It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six
+of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but their
+enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their open-eyed wonder
+at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid her.
+
+"Well, boys, where have you been all afternoon?" asked the father of two
+of the party that evening.
+
+The answer came back with joyous promptness: "Oh, pop! Teacher took us
+to a dead circus."
+
+
+Two Marylanders, who were visiting the National Museum at Washington,
+were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, over which hung a
+placard bearing the inscription. "B.C. 1187."
+
+Both visitors were much mystified thereby. Said one:
+
+"What do you make of that, Bill?"
+
+"Well," said Bill, "I dunno; but maybe it was the number of the
+motor-car that killed him."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+
+
+MUSIC
+
+
+The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano
+player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady who
+stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil.
+
+
+A thief broke into a Madison avenue mansion early the other morning and
+found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching, he took
+refuge behind a screen.
+
+From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.
+
+From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.
+
+From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.
+
+From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.
+
+At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied an
+ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.
+
+The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five, and
+falling at their feet, cried:
+
+"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"
+
+
+A lady told Swinburne that she would render on the piano a very ancient
+Florentine retornello which had just been discovered. She then played
+"Three blind mice" and Swinburne was enchanted. He found that it
+reflected to perfection the cruel beauty of the Medicis--which, perhaps,
+it does.--_Edmund Gosse_.
+
+
+The accomplished and obliging pianist had rendered several selections,
+when one of the admiring group of listeners in the hotel parlor
+suggested Mozart's Twelfth Mass. Several people echoed the request, but
+one lady was particularly desirous of hearing the piece, explaining that
+her husband had belonged to that very regiment.
+
+
+Dinner was a little late. A guest asked the hostess to play something.
+Seating herself at the piano, the good woman executed a Chopin nocturne
+with precision. She finished, and there was still an interval of waiting
+to be bridged. In the grim silence she turned to an old gentleman on her
+right and said:
+
+"Would you like a sonata before going in to dinner?"
+
+He gave a start of surprise and pleasure as he responded briskly:
+
+"Why, yes, thanks! I had a couple on my way here, but I could stand
+another."
+
+
+Music is the universal language of mankind.--_Longfellow_.
+
+
+I even think that, sentimentally, I am disposed to harmony. But
+organically I am incapable of a tune.--_Charles Lamb_.
+
+
+  There's music in the sighing of a reed;
+  There's music in the gushing of a rill;
+  There's music in all things, if men had ears:
+  Their earth is but an echo of the spheres.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+
+
+MUSICIANS
+
+FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to
+your house, as I suggested?"
+
+BOY--"Yes, sir."
+
+FATHER-"And what did he say?"
+
+BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better give
+up playin' the pianner."
+
+
+The "celebrated pianiste," Miss Sharpe, had concluded her recital. As
+the resultant applause was terminating, Mrs. Rochester observed Colonel
+Grayson wiping his eyes. The old gentleman noticed her look, and,
+thinking it one of inquiry, began to explain the cause of his sadness.
+"The girl's playing," he told the lady, "reminded me so much of the
+playing of her father. He used to be a chum of mine in the Army of the
+Potomac."
+
+"Oh, indeed!" cooed Mrs. Rochester, with a conventional show of
+interest. "I never knew her father was a piano-player."
+
+"He wasn't," replied the Colonel. "He was a drummer."--_G.T. Evans_.
+
+
+Recipe for an orchestra leader:
+
+  Four hundred and twenty-two movements--
+    Emanuel, Swedish and Swiss--
+  It's a wonder the hand can keep playing,
+    You'd think they'd die laughing at this!
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+                'Tis God gives skill,
+  But not without men's hands: He could not make
+  Antonio Stradivari's violins
+  Without Antonio.
+
+  --_George Eliot_.
+
+
+
+
+NAMES, PERSONAL
+
+Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He
+was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded,
+"Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?"
+
+"Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.--_John Pearson_.
+
+
+FRIEND-"So your great Russian actor was a total failure?"
+
+MANAGER-"Yes. It took all our profits to pay for running the electric
+light sign with his name on it."--_Puck_.
+
+
+A somewhat unpatriotic little son of Italy, twelve years old, came to
+his teacher in the public school and asked if he could not have his name
+changed.
+
+"Why do you wish to change your name?" the teacher asked.
+
+"I want to be an American. I live in America now. I no longer want to be
+a Dago."
+
+"What American name would you like to have?"
+
+"I have it here," he said, handing the teacher a dirty scrap of paper on
+which was written--Patrick Dennis McCarty.
+
+
+A shy young man once said to a young lady: "I wish dear, that we were on
+such terms of intimacy that you would not mind calling me by my first
+name."
+
+"Oh," she replied, "your second name is good enough for me."
+
+
+An American travelling in Europe engaged a courier. Arriving at an inn
+in Austria, the man asked his servant to enter his name in accordance
+with the police regulations of that country. Some time after, the man
+asked the servant if he had complied with his orders.
+
+"Yes, sir," was the reply.
+
+"How did you write my name?" asked the master.
+
+"Well, sir, I can't pronounce it," answered the servant, "but I copied
+it from your portmanteau, sir."
+
+"Why, my name isn't there. Bring me the book." The register was brought,
+and, instead of the plain American name of two syllables, the following
+entry was revealed:
+
+    "Monsieur Warranted Solid Leather."
+
+--_M.A. Hitchcock_.
+
+
+The story is told of Helen Hunt, the famous author of "Ramona," that
+one morning after church service she found a purse full of money and
+told her pastor about it.
+
+"Very well," he said, "you keep it, and at the evening service I will
+announce it," which he did in this wise:
+
+"This morning there was found in this church a purse filled with money.
+If the owner is present he or she can go to Helen Hunt for it."
+
+And the minister wondered why the congregation tittered!
+
+
+A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the attention of the
+pretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had about given up, the girl,
+entirely unconscious of what had been going on, happened to glance in
+his direction. The "masher" immediately took fresh courage.
+
+"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured.
+
+The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say.
+
+"My name is Specknoodle," he volunteered.
+
+"Oh, I am so sorry," she said sympathetically, as she left the car.
+
+
+The comedian came on with affected diffidence.
+
+"At our last stand," quoth he, "I noticed a man laughing while I was
+doing my turn. Honest, now! My, how he laughed! He laughed until he
+split. Till he split, mind you. Thinks I to myself, I'll just find out
+about the man and so, when the show was over, I went up to him.
+
+"My friend," says I, "I've heard that there's nothing in a name, but are
+you not one of the Wood family?"
+
+"I am," says he, "and what's more, my grandfather was a Pine!"
+
+"No Wood, you know, splits any easier than a Pine."--_Ramsey Benson_.
+
+
+"But Eliza," said the mistress, "your little boy was christened George
+Washington. Why do you call him Izaak Walton? Walton, you know, was the
+famous fisherman."
+
+"Yes'm," answered Eliza, "but dat chile's repetashun fo' telling de
+troof made dat change imper'tive."
+
+
+The mother of the girl baby, herself named Rachel, frankly told her
+husband that she was tired of the good old names borne by most of the
+eminent members of the family, and she would like to give the little
+girl a name entirely different. Then she wrote on a slip of paper
+"Eugenie," and asked her husband if he didn't think that was a pretty
+name.
+
+The father studied the name for a moment and then said: "Vell, call her
+Yousheenie, but I don't see vat you gain by it."
+
+
+  There was a great swell in Japan,
+  Whose name on a Tuesday began;
+    It lasted through Sunday
+    Till twilight on Monday,
+  And sounded like stones in a can.
+
+
+He was a young lawyer who had just started practicing in a small town
+and hung his sign outside of his office door. It read: "A. Swindler." A
+stranger who called to consult him saw the sign and said: "My goodness,
+man, look at that sign! Don't you see how it reads? Put in your first
+name--Alexander, Ambrose or whatever it is."
+
+"Oh, yes I know," said the lawyer resignedly, "but I don't exactly like
+to do it."
+
+"Why not?" asked the client. "It looks mighty bad as it is. What is your
+first name?"
+
+"Adam."
+
+
+  Who hath not own'd, with rapture-smitten frame,
+  The power of grace, the magic of a name.
+
+  --_Campbell_.
+
+
+
+
+NATIVES
+
+
+FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the
+planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet."
+
+FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be very funny,
+Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' your ignorance; they
+ain't natives in France--they're as white as wot we are."--_Sketch_.
+
+
+
+
+NATURE LOVERS
+
+
+"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?"
+
+"What for?"
+
+"For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and he hasn't
+heard a robin this summer."
+
+
+
+
+NAVIGATION
+
+
+The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the
+Captain why he didn't go on.
+
+"Can't see up the river, madam."
+
+"But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the stars overhead."
+
+"Yes, ma'am," said the Captain, "but until the boilers bust we ain't
+goin' that way."
+
+
+
+
+NEATNESS
+
+
+The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common
+remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to
+appreciate their advantages.
+
+A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be another
+side to the matter.
+
+"Martha, have you wiped the sink dry yet?" asked the farmer, as he made
+final preparations for the night.
+
+"Yes, Josiah," she replied. "Why do you ask?"
+
+"Well, I did want a drink, but I guess I can get along until morning."
+
+
+
+
+NEGROES
+
+
+A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o'
+cou't-plaster."
+
+"What color," he asked.
+
+"Flesh cullah, suh."
+
+Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster.
+
+The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous, but her
+face was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents and said:
+
+"I ast for flesh cullah, an' you done give me skin cullah." A cart
+containing a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a mule. The
+driver, a darky of about twenty, was endeavoring to induce the mule to
+increase its speed, when suddenly the animal let fly with its heels and
+dealt him such a kick on the head that he was stretched on the ground in
+a twinkling. He lay rubbing his woolly pate where the mule had kicked
+him.
+
+"Is he hurt?" asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who had
+jumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate driver.
+
+"No, Boss," was the older man's reply; "dat mule will probably walk kind
+o' tendah for a day or two, but he ain't hurt."
+
+
+In certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English with a
+broad brogue. They are probably descended from the slaves of the Irish
+adventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers.
+
+A gentleman from Dublin upon arriving at a West Indian port was accosted
+by a burly negro fruit vender with, "Th, top uv th' mornin' to ye, an'
+would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit, sor?"
+
+The Irishman stared at him in amazement.
+
+"An' how long have ye been here?" he finally asked.
+
+"Goin' on three months, yer Honor," said the vender, thinking of the
+time he had left his inland home.
+
+"Three months, is it? Only three months an' as black as thot? Faith,
+I'll not land!"
+
+
+Dinah, crying bitterly, was coming down the street with her feet
+bandaged.
+
+"Why, what on earth's the matter?" she was asked. "How did you hurt your
+feet, Dinah?"
+
+"Dat good fo' nothin' nigger [sniffle] done hit me on de haid wif a club
+while I was standin' on de hard stone pavement."
+
+
+"'Liza, what fo' yo' buy dat udder box of shoe-blacknin'?"
+
+"Go on, Nigga', dat ain't shoe-blacknin', dat's ma massage cream!"
+
+
+"Johnny," said the mother as she vigorously scrubbed the small boy's
+face with soap and water, "didn't I tell you never to blacken your face
+again? Here I've been scrubbing for half an hour and it won't come off."
+
+"I--I--ouch!" sputtered the small boy; "I ain't your little boy.
+I--ouch! I'se Mose, de colored lady's little boy."
+
+
+The day before she was to be married an old negro servant came to her
+mistress and intrusted her savings to her keeping.
+
+"Why should I keep your money for you? I thought you were going to be
+married?" said the mistress.
+
+"So I is, Missus, but do you 'spose I'd keep all dis yer money in de
+house wid dat strange nigger?"
+
+
+A southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. George
+received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his eyes on
+a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out fast enough
+to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters somewhat by rubbing
+grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the spot, he called George and
+asked if he had noticed it. George said, "Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed
+dat spot and tried mighty hard to get it out, but I couldn't."
+
+"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked.
+
+"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good."
+
+"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?"
+
+"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but dat
+spot wouldn't come out."
+
+"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a last
+resort.
+
+"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit."
+
+
+A negro went into a hardware shop and asked to be shown some razors, and
+after critically examining those submitted to him the would-be purchaser
+was asked why he did not try a "safety," to which he replied: "I ain'
+lookin' for that kind. I wants this for social purposes."
+
+
+Before a house where a colored man had died, a small darkey was standing
+erect at one side of the door. It was about time for the services to
+begin, and the parson appeared from within and said to the darkey: "De
+services are about to begin. Aren't you a-gwine in?"
+
+"I'se would if I'se could, parson," answered the little negro, "but yo'
+see I'se de crape."
+
+
+_See also_ Chicken stealing.
+
+
+
+
+NEIGHBORS
+
+
+THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner."
+
+THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
+
+THE MAN--"I know it, lady; the neighbors did."
+
+
+
+
+NEW JERSEY
+
+
+"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and mosquitoes
+swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner who had been
+cast upon the Jersey sands.
+
+"You just bet I had a terrible experience," he acknowledged. "My
+experience was worse than that of the man who wrote 'Water, water
+everywhere, but not a drop to drink.' With me it was bites, bites
+everywhere, but not a bite to eat."
+
+
+
+
+NEW YORK CITY
+
+
+At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the Bishop of
+New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and possibilities
+of his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like all good
+Californians, is imbued with the conviction that it would be hard to
+equal a place he knows of on the Pacific, and following the Bishop of
+New York he gave a glowing picture of California, concluding:
+
+"Not only is it the best place on earth to live in, but it has superior
+advantages, too, as a place to die in; for there we have at our
+threshold the beautiful Golden Gate, while in New York they only
+have--well, you know which gate it is over at New York!" One night Dave
+Warfield was playing at David Belasco's new theatre, supported by one of
+Mr. Belasco's new companies. The performance ran with a smoothness of a
+Standard Oil lawyer explaining rebates to a Federal court. A worthy
+person of the farming classes, sitting in G 14, was plainly impressed.
+In an interval between the acts he turned to the metropolitan who had
+the seat next him.
+
+"Where do all them troopers come from?" he inquired.
+
+"I don't think I understand," said the city-dweller.
+
+"I mean them actors up yonder on the stage," explained the man from
+afar. "Was they brought on specially for this show, or do they live
+here?"
+
+"I believe most of them live here in town," said the New Yorker.
+
+"Well, they do purty blamed well for home talent," said the stranger.
+
+
+A traveler in Tennessee came across an aged negro seated in front of his
+cabin door basking in the sunshine.
+
+"He could have walked right on the stage for an Uncle Tom part without a
+line of makeup," says the traveler. "He must have been eighty years of
+age."
+
+"Good morning, uncle," says the stranger.
+
+"Mornin', sah! Mornin'," said the aged one. Then he added, "Be you the
+gentleman over yonder from New York?"
+
+Being told that such was the case the old darky said; "Do you mind
+telling me something that has been botherin' my old haid? I have got a
+grandson--he runs on the Pullman cyars--and he done tell me that up thar
+in New York you-all burn up youah folks when they die. He is a poherful
+liar, and I don't believe him."
+
+"Yes," replied the other, "that is the truth in some cases. We call it
+cremation."
+
+"Well, you suttenly surprise me," said the negro and then he paused as
+if in deep reflection. Finally he said: "You-all know I am a Baptist. I
+believe in the resurrection and the life everlastin' and the coming of
+the Angel Gabriel and the blowin' of that great horn, and Lawdy me, how
+am they evah goin' to find them folks on that great mawnin'?"
+
+It was too great a task for an offhand answer, and the suggestion was
+made that the aged one consult his minister. Again the negro fell into a
+brown study, and then he raised his head and his eyes twinkled merrily,
+and he said in a soft voice:
+
+"Meanin' no offense, sah, but from what Ah have heard about New York I
+kinder calcerlate they is a lot of them New York people that doan'
+wanter be found on that mornin'."
+
+
+
+
+NEWS
+
+
+Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg,
+Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of
+newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught there.
+Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, he cried,
+"Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all the news
+out!"--_Sue M.M. Halsey_.
+
+
+"Our whole neighborhood has been stirred up," said the regular reader.
+
+The editor of the country weekly seized his pen. "Tell me about it," he
+said. "What we want is news. What stirred it up?"
+
+"Plowing," said the farmer.
+
+
+There is nothing new except what is forgotten.--_Mademoiselle Berlin_.
+
+
+
+
+NEWSPAPERS
+
+
+A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of
+newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you tired,
+my boy?"
+
+"Naw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad.
+
+
+VOX POPULI--"Do you think you've boosted your circulation by giving a
+year's subscription for the biggest potato raised in the county?"
+
+THE EDITOR--"Mebbe not; but I got four barrels of samples."
+
+
+COLONEL HIGHFLYER--"What are your rates per column?"
+
+EDITOR OF "SWELL SOCIETY"--"For insertion or suppression?"--_Life_.
+
+
+EDITOR--"You wish a position as a proofreader?"
+
+APPLICANT--"Yes, sir."
+
+"Do you understand the requirements of that responsible position?"
+
+"Perfectly, sir. Whenever you make any mistakes in the paper, just blame
+'em on me, and I'll never say a word."
+
+
+A prominent Montana newspaper man was making the round of the insane
+asylum of that state in an official capacity as an inspector. One of the
+inmates mistook him for a recent arrival.
+
+"What made you go crazy?"
+
+"I was trying to make money out of the newspaper business," replied the
+editor, to humor the demented one.
+
+"Rats, you're not crazy; you're just a plain darn fool," was the
+lunatic's comment.
+
+
+"Did you write this report on my lecture, 'The Curse of Whiskey'?"
+
+"Yes, madam."
+
+"Then kindly explain what you mean by saying, 'The lecturer was
+evidently full of her subject!'"
+
+
+We clip the following for the benefit of those who doubt the power of
+the press:
+
+"Owing to the overcrowded condition of our columns, a number of births
+and deaths are unavoidably postponed this week."
+
+
+"Binks has sued us for libel," announced the assistant editor of the
+sensational paper.
+
+The managing editor's face brightened.
+
+"Tell him," he said, "that if he will put up a strong fight we'll
+cheerfully pay the damages and charge them up to the advertising
+account."
+
+
+Booth Tarkington says that in no state have the newspapers more
+"journalistic enterprise" than in his native Indiana. While stopping at
+a little Hoosier hotel in the course of a hunting trip Mr. Tarkington
+lost one of his dogs.
+
+"Have you a newspaper in town?" he asked of the landlord.
+
+"Right across the way, there, back of the shoemaker's," the landlord
+told him. "The _Daily News_--best little paper of its size in the
+state."
+
+The editor, the printer, and the printer's devil were all busy doing
+justice to Mr. Tarkington with an "in-our-midst" paragraph when the
+novelist arrived.
+
+"I've just lost a dog," Tarkington explained after he had introduced
+himself, "and I'd like to have you insert this ad for me: 'Fifty dollars
+reward for the return of a pointer dog answering to the name of Rex.
+Disappeared from the yard of the Mansion House Monday night.'"
+
+"Why, we are just going to press, sir," the editor said, "but we'll be
+only too glad to hold the edition for your ad."
+
+Mr. Tarkington returned to the hotel. After a few minutes he decided,
+however, that it might be well to add, "No questions asked" to his
+advertisement, and returned to the _Daily News_ office.
+
+The place was deserted, save for the skinny little freckle-faced devil,
+who sat perched on a high stool, gazing wistfully out of the window.
+
+"Where is everybody?" Tarkington asked.
+
+"Gawn to hunt for th' dawg," replied the boy.
+
+
+"You are the greatest inventor in the world," exclaimed a newspaper man
+to Alexander Graham Bell.
+
+"Oh, no, my friend, I'm not," said Professor Bell. "I've never been a
+reporter."
+
+
+Not long ago a city editor in Ottumwa, Iowa, was told over the telephone
+that a prominent citizen had just died suddenly. He called a reporter
+and told him to rush out and get the "story." Twenty minutes later the
+reporter returned, sat down at his desk, and began to rattle off copy on
+his typewriter.
+
+"Well, what about it?" asked the city editor.
+
+"Oh, nothing much," replied the reporter, without looking up. "He was
+walking along the street when he suddenly clasped his hands to his heart
+and said, 'I'm going to die!' Then he leaned up against a fence and made
+good."
+
+
+Enraged over something the local newspaper had printed about him, a
+subscriber burst into the editor's office in search of the responsible
+reporter. "Who are you?" he demanded, glaring at the editor, who was
+also the main stockholder.
+
+"I'm the newspaper," was the calm reply.
+
+"And who are you?" he next inquired, turning his resentful gaze on the
+chocolate-colored office-devil clearing out the waste basket.
+
+"Me?" rejoined the darky, grinning from ear to ear. "Ah guess ah's de
+cul'ud supplement."
+
+
+Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand
+bayonets.--_Napoleon I_.
+
+
+Newspapers always excite curiosity. No one ever lays one down without a
+feeling of disappointment.--_Charles Lamb_.
+
+
+
+
+OBESITY
+
+
+_See_ Corpulence.
+
+
+
+
+OBITUARIES
+
+
+If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps,
+corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a sign that you
+are not well, but liable to die any minute. Pay your subscription in
+advance and thus make yourself solid for a good obituary
+notice.--_Mountain Echo_.
+
+
+_See_ also Epitaphs.
+
+
+
+
+OBSERVATION
+
+
+In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious
+father tried to give some good advice.
+
+"Be observing, my son," said the father on one occasion. "Cultivate the
+habit of seeing, and you will be a successful man. Study things and
+remember them. Don't go through the world blindly. Learn to use your
+eyes. Boys who are observing know a great deal more than those who are
+not."
+
+Willie listened in silence.
+
+Several days later when the entire family, consisting of his mother,
+aunt and uncle, were present, his father said:
+
+"Well, Willie, have you kept using your eyes as I advised you to do?"
+
+Willie nodded, and after a moment's hesitation said:
+
+"I've seen a few things right around the house. Uncle Jim's got a bottle
+of hair dye hid under his trunk, Aunt Jennie's got an extra set of teeth
+in her dresser, Ma's got some curls in her hat, and Pa's got a deck of
+cards and a box of chips behind the books in the secretary."
+
+
+
+
+OCCUPATIONS
+
+
+Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was
+entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter inquired:
+
+"An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?"
+
+"Sure, he's a di'mond-cuttter."
+
+"Ye don't mane it!"
+
+"Yis; he cuts th' grass off th' baseball grounds."--_L.F. Clarke_.
+
+
+All business men are apt to use the technical terms of their daily
+labors in situations outside of working hours. One time a railroad man
+was entertaining his pastor at dinner and his sons, who had to wait
+until their elders had finished got into mischief. At the end of the
+meal, their father excused himself for a moment saying he had to "switch
+some empties."
+
+
+"Professor," said Miss Skylight, "I want you to suggest a course in life
+for me. I have thought of journalism--"
+
+"What are your own inclinations?"
+
+"Oh, my soul yearns and throbs and pulsates with an ambition to give the
+world a life-work that shall be marvelous in its scope, and weirdly
+entrancing in the vastness of its structural beauty!"
+
+"Woman, you're born to be a milliner."
+
+
+A woman, when asked her husband's occupation, said he was a mixologist.
+The city directory called him a bartender.
+
+
+"A good turkey dinner and mince pie," said a well-known after-dinner
+orator, "always puts us in a lethargic mood--makes us feel, in fact,
+like the natives of Nola Chucky. In Nola Chucky one day I said to a man:
+
+"'What is the principal occupation of this town?'
+
+"'Wall, boss,' the man answered, yawning, 'in winter they mostly sets on
+the east side of the house and follers the sun around to the west, and
+in summer they sets on the west side and follers the shade around to the
+east.'"
+
+
+JONES--"How'd this happen? The last time I was here you were running a
+fish-market, and now you've got a cheese-shop."
+
+SMITH--"Yes. Well, you see the doctor said I needed a change of air."
+
+
+The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a
+grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for
+with a great deal of enjoyment--_Douglas Jerrold_.
+
+
+
+
+OCEAN
+
+
+A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down
+from Boston.
+
+"Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning.
+
+"Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the ocean kept
+me awake all night."
+
+
+Love the sea? I dote upon it--from the beach.--_Douglas Jerrold_.
+
+
+  I never was on the dull, tame shore,
+  But I loved the great sea more and more.
+
+  --_Barry Cornwall_.
+
+
+
+
+OFFICE BOYS
+
+
+"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?"
+
+"I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three
+mining-companies now."
+
+
+
+
+OFFICE-SEEKERS
+
+
+A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented in
+Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the national
+capitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose to be
+sufficiently prominent to become a congressional subject, and he was
+visited by the central committee of his district to be talked to.
+
+"We want you," said the spokesman, "to accept the nomination for
+Congress."
+
+"I can't do it, gentlemen," he responded promptly.
+
+"You must," the spokesman demanded.
+
+"But I can't," he insisted. "I'm too poor."
+
+"Oh, that will be all right; we've got plenty of money for the
+campaign."
+
+"But that is nothing," contended the gentleman; "it's the expense in
+Washington. I've been there, and know all about it."
+
+"Well you didn't lose by it, and it doesn't cost any more because you
+come from California."
+
+The gentleman became very earnest.
+
+"Doesn't it?" he exclaimed in a business-like tone. "Why my dear sirs, I
+used to have to send home every month about half a dozen busted
+office-seeker constituents, and the fare was only $3 apiece, and I could
+stand it, but it would cost me over $100 a head to send them out here,
+and I'm no millionaire; therefore, as much as I regret it, I must insist
+on declining."
+
+
+"On a trip to Washington," said Col. W.F. Cody. "I had for a companion
+Sousa, the band leader. We had berths opposite each other. Early one
+morning as we approached the capital I thought I would have a little
+fun. I got a morning paper, and, after rustling it a few minutes, I said
+to Sousa:
+
+"'That's the greatest order Cleveland has just issued!'
+
+"'What's that?' came from the opposite berth.
+
+"'Why he's ordered all the office-seekers rounded up at the depot and
+sent home.'
+
+"You should have seen the general consternation that ensued. From almost
+every berth on the car a head came out from between the curtains, and
+with one accord nearly every man shouted:
+
+'What's that?'"
+
+
+
+
+OLD AGE
+
+
+_See_ Age.
+
+
+
+
+OLD MASTERS
+
+
+_See_ Paintings.
+
+
+
+
+ONIONS
+
+
+  Can the Burbanks of the glorious West
+    Either make or buy or sell
+  An onion with an onion's taste
+    But with a violet's smell?
+
+
+SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away."
+
+HE--"Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away."
+
+
+
+
+OPERA
+
+
+"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs.
+Cumrox.
+
+"There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband.
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then I guess it's one of them."
+
+
+
+
+OPPORTUNITY
+
+
+Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities.--_Life_.
+
+
+  Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis offer'd,
+  Shall never find it more.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+  In life's small things be resolute and great
+  To keep thy muscles trained; know'st thou when fate
+  Thy measure takes? or when she'll say to thee,
+  "I find thee worthy, do this thing for me!"
+
+  --_Emerson_.
+
+
+
+
+OPTIMISM
+
+
+Optimism is Worry on a spree.--_Judge_.
+
+
+An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't
+happen to him.
+
+
+An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him.--_J.J.
+O'Connell_.
+
+
+An optimist is a woman who thinks that everything is for the best, and
+that she is the best.-_Judge_.
+
+
+A political optimist is a fellow who can make sweet, pink lemonade out
+of the bitter yellow fruit which his opponents hand him.
+
+
+Mayor William S. Jordan, at a Democratic banquet in Jacksonville, said
+of optimism:
+
+"Let us cultivate optimism and hopefulness. There is nothing like it.
+The optimistic man can see a bright side to everything--everything.
+
+"A missionary in a slum once laid his hand on a man's shoulder and said:
+
+"'Friend, do you hear the solemn ticking of that clock? Tick-tack;
+tick-tack. And oh, friend, do you know what day it inexorably and
+relentlessly brings nearer?"
+
+"'Yes-pay day,' the other, an honest, optimistic workingman, replied."
+
+
+A Scotsman who has a keen appreciation of the strong characteristics of
+his countrymen delights in the story of a druggist known both for his
+thrift and his philosophy.
+
+Once he was aroused from a deep sleep by the ringing of his night bell.
+He went down to his little shop and sold a dose of rather nauseous
+medicine to a distressed customer.
+
+"What profit do you make out of that?" grumbled his wife.
+
+"A ha'penny," was the cheerful answer.
+
+"And for that bit of money you'll lie awake maybe an hour," she said
+impatiently.
+
+"Never grumble o'er that, woman," was his placid answer. "The dose will
+keep him awake all night. We must thank heaven we ha' the profit and
+none o' the pain o' this transaction."
+
+
+A German shoemaker left the gas turned on in his shop one night and upon
+arriving in the morning struck a match to light it.
+
+There was a terrific explosion, and the shoemaker was blown out through
+the door almost to the middle of the street.
+
+A passer-by rushed to his assistance, and, after helping him to rise,
+inquired if he was injured.
+
+The little German gazed at his place of business, which was now burning
+quite briskly, and said:
+
+"No, I ain't hurt. But I got out shust in time, eh?"
+
+
+  My own hope is, a sun will pierce
+  The thickest cloud earth ever stretched;
+  That, after Last, returns the First,
+  Tho' a wide compass round be fetched;
+  That what began best, can't prove worst,
+  Nor what God blessed once, prove accursed.
+
+  --_Browning_.
+
+
+
+
+ORATORS
+
+
+It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on the
+streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh, of the
+conco's befor' the co't house?"
+
+To which the majah replied:
+
+"General Buckneh is making a speech. General Buckneh suh, is a bo'n
+oratah."
+
+"What do you mean by bo'n oratah?"
+
+"If you or I, suh, were asked how much two and two make, we would reply
+'foh.' When this is asked of a bo'n oratah, he replies: 'When in the
+co'se of human events it becomes necessary to take an integah of the
+second denomination and add it, suh, to an integah of the same
+denomination, the result, suh--and I have the science of mathematics to
+back me up in my judgment--the result, suh, and I say it without feah of
+successful contradiction, suh-the result is fo'' That's a bo'n oratah."
+
+
+When Demosthenes was asked what was the first part of Oratory, he
+answered, "Action," and which was the second, he replied, "Action," and
+which was the third, he still answered "Action."--_Plutarch_.
+
+
+
+
+OUTDOOR LIFE
+
+
+One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled into
+Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinners," to a
+man, repaired to the Combination Gambling House and proceeded to load
+themselves. Late in the afternoon, Zeb White, Smith's oldest skinner,
+having exchanged all of his hard coin for liquid refreshment, zigzagged
+into the corral, crawled under a wagon, and went to sleep. After supper,
+Smith, making his nightly rounds, happened on the sleeping Zeb.
+
+"Kinder chilly, ain't it?" he asked, after earnestly prodding Zeb with a
+convenient stick.
+
+"I reckon 'tis," Zeb drowsily mumbled.
+
+"Ain't yer 'fraid ye'll freeze?"
+
+'"Tis cold, ain't it? Say, Cap, jest throw on another wagon, will yer?"
+
+
+
+
+PAINTING
+
+
+_See_ Art.
+
+
+
+
+PAINTINGS
+
+
+She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed
+in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening
+her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the best
+room. "These," said the mistress of the house, pausing before an
+extensive row of masculine portraits, "are very valuable, and you must
+be very careful when dusting. They are old masters." Mary's jaw dropped,
+and a look of intense wonder overspread her rubicund face.
+
+"Lor', mum," she gasped, gazing with bulging eyes on the face of her new
+employer, "lor', mum, who'd ever 'ave thought you'd been married all
+these times!"
+
+
+A picture is a poem without words.--_Cornificus_.
+
+
+
+
+PANICS
+
+
+One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible
+odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent,
+when an actor appeared on the stage.
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is no
+danger."
+
+The audience did not seem reassured.
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen," continued the comedian, rising to the necessity
+of the occasion, "confound it all--do you think if there was any danger
+I'd be here?"
+
+The panic collapsed.
+
+
+
+
+PARENTS
+
+
+William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting
+while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for
+their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his mother, and, patting her
+on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear, I love you."
+
+"Don't you love me too?" asked his father.
+
+Without glancing at him, William said disdainfully, "The wire's busy."
+
+
+"What does your mother say when you tell her those dreadful lies?"
+
+"She says I take after father."
+
+
+"A little lad was desperately ill, but refused to take the medicine the
+doctor had left. At last his mother gave him up.
+
+"Oh, my boy will die; my boy will die," she sobbed.
+
+But a voice spoke from the bed, "Don't cry, mother. Father'll be home
+soon and he'll make me take it."
+
+
+Mrs. White was undoubtedly the disciplinarian of the family. The master
+of the house, a professor, and consequently a very busy man, was
+regarded by the children as one of themselves, subject to the laws of
+"Mother."
+
+Mrs. White had been ill for some weeks and although the father felt that
+the children were showing evidence of running wild, he seemed powerless
+to correct the fault. One evening at dinner, however, he felt obliged to
+reprimand Marion severely.
+
+"Marion," he said, sternly, "stop that at once, or I shall take you from
+the table and punish you soundly."
+
+He experienced a feeling of profound satisfaction in being able to thus
+reprove when it was necessary and glanced across the table expecting to
+see a very demure little miss. Instead, Marion and her little brother
+exchanged glances and then simultaneously a grin overspread their faces,
+while Marion said in a mirthful tone:
+
+"Oh, Francis, hear father trying to talk like mother!"
+
+
+Robert has lately acquired a stepmother. Hoping to win his affection
+this new parent has been very lenient with him, while his father,
+feeling his responsibility, has been unusually strict. The boys of the
+neighborhood, who had taken pains to warn Robert of the terrible
+character of stepmothers in general, recently waited on him in a body,
+and the following conversation was overheard:
+
+"How do you like your stepmother, Bob?"
+
+"Like her! Why fellers, I just love her. All I wish is I had a
+stepfather, too."
+
+
+"Well, Bobby, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
+
+BOBBY (remembering private seance in the wood-shed)--"A orphan."
+
+
+Little Eleanor's mother was an American, while her father was a German.
+
+One day, after Eleanor had been subjected to rather severe disciplinary
+measures at the hands of her father, she called her mother into another
+room, closed the door significantly, and said: "Mother, I don't want to
+meddle in your business, but I wish you'd send that husband of yours
+back to Germany."
+
+
+The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation of a
+brief. So bent was he on his work that he did not hear the door as it
+was pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was thrust into his
+office. A little sob attracted his notice, and, turning he saw a face
+that was streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings had been
+hurt.
+
+"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?"
+
+"Are you a lawyer?"
+
+"Yes. What do you want?"
+
+"I want"--and there was resolute ring in his voice--"I want a divorce
+from my papa and mama."
+
+
+
+
+PARROTS
+
+
+Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking
+down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing.
+Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird turned quickly,
+screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" Pat shied off like a frightened
+horse, lifting his hat and bowing politely as he stuttered out:
+"Ex-excuse me s-sir, I thought you was a burrd!"
+
+
+
+
+PARTNERSHIP
+
+
+A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his
+business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resisting
+between me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm
+will settle wid me, and dem what de firm owes will settle wid Mose."
+
+
+
+
+PASSWORDS
+
+"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years
+rented a safety-deposit box.
+
+"Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?"
+
+"Gladys."
+
+"And what do you wish the new one to be?"
+
+"Mabel. Gladys has gone to Reno."
+
+
+Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent around
+the Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on the floor,
+conducted him to the Senate gallery.
+
+After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery door-keeper and
+said: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He brought me
+here and I want to go out and look around a bit. I though I would tell
+you so I can get back in."
+
+"That's all right," said the doorkeeper, "but I may not be here when you
+return. In order to prevent any mistake I will give you the password so
+you can get your seat again."
+
+Swate's eyes rather popped out at this. "What's the word?" he asked.
+
+"Idiosyncrasy."
+
+"What?"
+
+"Idiosyncrasy."
+
+"I guess I'll stay in," said Swate.
+
+
+
+
+PATIENCE
+
+
+"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately."
+
+"Yes, he is, very."
+
+"What is the matter with him?"
+
+"He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit
+patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait."
+
+
+
+
+PATRIOTISM
+
+
+General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following
+story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a
+dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his head
+bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him. He was soliloquizing in
+this manner:
+
+"I love my country. I'd fight for my country. I'd starve and go thirsty
+for my country. I'd die for my country. But if ever this damn war is
+over I'll never love another country!"
+
+
+A snobbish young Englishman visiting Washington's home at Mount Vernon
+was so patronizing as to arouse the wrath of guards and caretakers; but
+it remained for "Shep" Wright, an aged gardener and one of the first
+scouts of the Confederate army, to settle the gentleman. Approaching
+"Shep," the Englishman said:
+
+"Ah--er--my man, the hedge! Yes, I see, George got this hedge from dear
+old England."
+
+"Reckon he did," replied "Shep". "He got this whole blooming country
+from England."
+
+
+Speaking of the policy of the Government of the United States with
+respect to its troublesome neighbors in Central and South America,
+"Uncle Joe" Cannon told of a Missouri congressman who is decidedly
+opposed to any interference in this regard by our country. It seems that
+this spring the Missourian met an Englishman at Washington with whom he
+conversed touching affairs in the localities mentioned. The westerner
+asserted his usual views with considerable forcefulness, winding up with
+this observation:
+
+"The whole trouble is that we Americans need a ---- good licking!"
+
+"You do, indeed!" promptly asserted the Britisher, as if pleased by the
+admission. But his exultation was of brief duration, for the Missouri
+man immediately concluded with:
+
+"But there ain't nobody can do it!"
+
+
+A number of Confederate prisoners, during the Civil War, were detained
+at one of the western military posts under conditions much less
+unpleasant than those to be found in the ordinary military prison. Most
+of them appreciated their comparatively good fortune. One young fellow,
+though, could not be reconciled to association with Yankees under any
+circumstances, and took advantage of every opportunity to express his
+feelings. He was continually rubbing it in about the battle of
+Chickamauga, which had just been fought with such disastrous results for
+the Union forces.
+
+"Maybe we didn't eat you up at Chickamauga!" was the way he generally
+greeted a bluecoat.
+
+The Union men, when they could stand it no longer, reported the matter
+to General Grant. Grant summoned the prisoner.
+
+"See here," said Grant, "I understand that you are continually insulting
+the men here with reference to the battle of Chickamauga. They have
+borne with you long enough, and I'm going to give you your choice of two
+things. You will either take the oath of allegiance to the United
+States, or be sent to a Northern prison. Choose."
+
+The prisoner was silent for some time. "Well," he said at last, in a
+resigned tone, "I reckon, General, I'll take the oath."
+
+The oath was duly administered. Turning to Grant, the fellow then asked,
+very penitently, if he might speak.
+
+"Yes," said the general indifferently. "What is it?"
+
+"Why, I was just thinkin', General," he drawled, "they certainly did
+give us hell at Chickamauga."
+
+
+Historical controversies are creeping into the schools. In a New York
+public institution attended by many races, during an examination in
+history the teacher asked a little chap who discovered America.
+
+He was evidently thrown into a panic and hesitated, much to the
+teacher's surprise, to make any reply.
+
+"Oh, please, ma'am," he finally stammered, "ask me somethin' else."
+
+"Something else, Jimmy? Why should I do that?"
+
+"The fellers was talkin' 'bout it yesterday," replied Jimmy, "Pat McGee
+said it was discovered by an Irish saint. Olaf, he said it was a sailor
+from Norway, and Giovanni said it was Columbus, an' if you'd a-seen what
+happened you wouldn't ask a little feller like me."
+
+
+Our country! When right to be kept right; when wrong to be put
+right!--_Carl Schurz_.
+
+
+Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she always be
+in the right; but our country, right or wrong.--_Stephen Decatur_.
+
+
+There are no points of the compass on the chart of true
+patriotism.--_Robert C. Winthrop_.
+
+
+Patriotic exercises and flag worship will avail nothing unless the
+states give to their people of the kind of government that arouses
+patriotism.--_Franklin Pierce II_.
+
+
+
+
+PENSIONS
+
+
+WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace."
+
+GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that
+in case of war the winner pays the pensions."--_Puck_.
+
+
+"Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inquired Mrs. McClane
+of an old colored woman in West Virginia.
+
+"'Deed, Miss Ellie," replied the old woman earnestly, "dat daid nigger's
+wuth moah to me dan a live one. I gits a pension."--_Edith Howell
+Armor_.
+
+
+If England had a system of pensions like ours, we should see that "all
+that was left of the Noble Six Hundred" was six thousand pensioners.
+
+
+
+
+PESSIMISM
+
+
+A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist.--_Francis Wilson_.
+
+
+  How happy are the Pessimists!
+    A bliss without alloy
+  Is theirs when they have proved to us
+    There's no such thing as joy!
+
+  --_Harold Susman_.
+
+
+A pessimist is one who, of two evils, chooses them both.
+
+
+"I had a mighty queer surprise this morning," remarked a local stock
+broker. "I put on my last summer's thin suit on account of this
+extraordinary hot weather, and in one of the trousers pockets I found a
+big roll of bills which I had entirely forgotten."
+
+"Were any of them receipted?" asked a pessimist.
+
+
+To tell men that they cannot help themselves is to fling them into
+recklessness and despair.--_Fronde_.
+
+
+  With earth's first clay they did the last man knead,
+  And there of the last harvest sowed the seed:
+  And the first morning of creation wrote
+  What the last dawn of reckoning shall read.
+
+  Yesterday this day's madness did prepare;
+  Tomorrow's silence, triumph, or despair.
+  Drink! For you know not whence you came, nor why;
+  Drink! For you know not why you go, nor where.
+
+  --_Omar Khayyam_
+
+
+
+
+PHILADELPHIA
+
+
+A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in the
+borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of
+transplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap for a few weeks. They
+were discussing their plans the other day, when the oldest boy, aged
+eight, looked up from his geography and said:
+
+"Pop, Philadelphia is on the Delaware River, isn't it?"
+
+Pop replied that such was the case.
+
+"I wonder if that's what makes the Delaware Water Gap?" insinuated the
+youngster.--_S.S. Stinson_.
+
+
+Among the guests at an informal dinner in New York was a bright
+Philadelphia girl.
+
+"These are snails," said a gentleman next to her, when the dainty was
+served. "I suppose Philadelphia people don't eat them for fear of
+cannibalism."
+
+"Oh, no," was her instant reply; "it isn't that. We couldn't catch
+them."
+
+
+
+
+PHILANTHROPISTS
+
+
+  Little grains of short weight,
+    Little crooked twists,
+  Fill the land with magnates
+    And philanthropists.
+
+
+_See also_ Charity.
+
+
+
+
+PHILOSOPHY
+
+
+Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which
+you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can have
+them.--_Puck_.
+
+
+
+
+PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
+
+
+The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a friend,
+was playing in his father's office, during the absence of the doctor,
+when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door and disclosed to
+the terrified gaze of his little friend an articulated skeleton.
+
+When the visitor had sufficiently recovered from his shock to stand the
+announcement the doctor's son explained that his father was extremely
+proud of that skeleton.
+
+"Is he?" asked the other. "Why?"
+
+"I don't know," was the answer; "maybe it was his first patient."
+
+
+The doctor stood by the bedside, and looked gravely down at the sick
+man.
+
+"I can not hide from you the fact that you are very ill," he said. "Is
+there any one you would like to see?"
+
+"Yes," said the sufferer faintly.
+
+"Who is it?"
+
+"Another doctor."--_Judge_.
+
+
+"Doctor, I want you to look after my office while I'm on my vacation."
+
+"But I've just graduated, doctor. Have had no experience." "That's all
+right, my boy. My practice is strictly fashionable. Tell the men to play
+golf and ship the lady patients off to Europe."
+
+
+An old darky once lay seriously ill of fever and was treated for a long
+time by one doctor, and then another doctor, for some reason, came and
+took the first one's place. The second physician made a thorough
+examination of the patient. At the end he said, "Did the other doctor
+take your temperature?"
+
+"Ah dunno, sah," the patient answered. "Ah hain't missed nuthin' so far
+but mah watch."
+
+
+There had been an epidemic of colds in the town, and one physician who
+had had scarcely any sleep for two days called upon a patient--an
+Irishman--who was suffering from pneumonia, and as he leaned over to
+hear the patient's respiration he called upon Pat to count.
+
+The doctor was so fatigued that he fell asleep, with his ear on the sick
+man's chest. It seemed but a minute when he suddenly awoke to hear Pat
+still counting: "Tin thousand an' sivinty-six, tin thousand an'
+sivinty-sivin--"
+
+
+FIRST DOCTOR--"I operated on him for appendicitis."
+
+SECOND DOCTOR--"What was the matter with him?"--_Life_.
+
+
+FUSSY LADY PATIENT--"I was suffering so much, doctor, that I wanted to
+die."
+
+DOCTOR--"You did right to call me in, dear lady."
+
+
+MEDICAL STUDENT--"What did you operate on that man for?"
+
+EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars."
+
+MEDICAL STUDENT--"I mean what did he have?"
+
+EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars."
+
+
+The three degrees in medical treatment--Positive, ill; comparative,
+pill; superlative, bill.
+
+
+"What caused the coolness between you and that young doctor? I thought
+you were engaged."
+
+"His writing is rather illegible. He sent me a note calling for 10,000
+kisses."
+
+"Well?"
+
+"I thought it was a prescription, and took it to the druggist to be
+filled."
+
+
+A tourist while traveling in the north of Scotland, far away from
+anywhere, exclaimed to one of the natives: "Why, what do you do when any
+of you are ill? You can never get a doctor."
+
+"Nae, sir," replied Sandy. "We've jist to dee a naitural death."
+
+
+When the physician gives you medicine and tells you to take it, you take
+it. "Yours not to reason why; yours but to do and die."
+
+
+Physicians, of all men, are most happy: whatever good success soever
+they have, the world proclaimeth; and what faults they commit, the earth
+covereth.--_Quarles_.
+
+
+  This is the way that physicians mend or end us,
+  Secundum artem: but although we sneer
+  In health--when ill, we call them to attend us,
+  Without the least propensity to jeer.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+_See also_ Bills.
+
+
+
+
+PICKPOCKETS
+
+
+_See_ Thieves; Wives.
+
+
+
+
+PINS
+
+
+"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a dinner-party, "I
+can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to, anyway?"
+
+"That's a difficult question to answer," replied her husband, "because
+they are always pointed in one direction and headed in another."
+
+
+
+
+PITTSBURG
+
+
+"How about that airship?"
+
+"It went up in smoke."
+
+"Burned, eh?"
+
+"Oh, no. Made an ascension at Pittsburg."
+
+
+SKYBOUGH--"Why have you put that vacuum cleaner in front of your
+airship?"
+
+KLOUDLEIGH--"To clear a path. I have an engagement to sail over
+Pittsburg."
+
+
+A man just back from South America was describing a volcanic
+disturbance.
+
+"I was smoking a cigar before the door of my hotel," said he, "when I
+was startled by a rather violent earthquake. The next instant the sun
+was obscured and darkness settled over the city. Looking in the
+direction of the distant volcano, I saw heavy clouds of smoke rolling
+from it, with an occasional tongue of flame flashing against the dark
+sky.
+
+"Some of the natives about me were on their knees praying; others darted
+aimlessly about, crazed with terror and shouting for mercy. The landlord
+of the hotel rushed out and seized me by the arm.
+
+"'To the harbor!' he cried in my ear.
+
+"Together we hurried down the narrow street. As we panted along, the
+dark smoke whirled in our faces, and a dangerous shower of red-hot
+cinders sizzled about us. Do you know, I don't believe I was ever so
+homesick in all my life!"
+
+"Homesick?" gasped the listener. "Homesick at a time like that?"
+
+"Sure. I live in Pittsburg, you know."
+
+
+
+
+PLAY
+
+
+The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up with
+battering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the
+matter. There she found Tommie sitting in the middle of the floor with a
+broad smile on his face.
+
+"Oh, Mama," said he delightedly, "I've locked Grandpa and Uncle George
+in the cupboard, and when they get a little angrier I am going to play
+Daniel in the lion's den."
+
+
+
+
+PLEASURE
+
+
+BILLY--"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday party
+yesterday."
+
+WILLIE--"I bet I did."
+
+BILLY--"Then why ain't you sick today?"
+
+
+Winnie had been very naughty, and her mamma said: "Don't you know you
+will never go to Heaven if you are so naughty?"
+
+After thinking a moment she said: "Oh, well, I have been to the circus
+once and 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' twice. I can't expect to go everywhere."
+
+
+In Concord, New Hampshire, they tell of an old chap who made his wife
+keep a cash account. Each week he would go over it, growling and
+grumbling. On one such occasion he delivered himself of the following:
+
+"Look here, Sarah, mustard-plasters, fifty cents; three teeth extracted,
+two dollars! There's two dollars and a half in one week spent for your
+own private pleasure. Do you think I am made of money?"
+
+
+Here's to beauty, wit and wine and to a full stomach, a full purse and a
+light heart.
+
+
+  A dinner, coffee and cigars,
+    Of friends, a half a score.
+  Each favorite vintage in its turn,--
+    What man could wish for more?
+
+
+The roses of pleasure seldom last long enough to adorn the brow of him
+who plucks them; for they are the only roses which do not retain their
+sweetness after they have lost their beauty.--_Hannah More_.
+
+
+_See also_ Amusements.
+
+
+
+
+POETRY
+
+
+Poetry is a gift we are told, but most editors won't take it even at
+that.
+
+
+
+
+POETS
+
+
+EDITOR--"Have you submitted this poem anywhere else?"
+
+JOKESMITH--"No, sir."
+
+EDITOR--"Then where did you get that black eye?"--_Satire_.
+
+
+"Why is it," asked the persistent poetess, "that you always insist that
+we write on one side of the paper only? Why not on both?"
+
+In that moment the editor experienced an access of courage--courage to
+protest against the accumulated wrongs of his kind.
+
+"One side of the paper, madame," he made answer, "is in the nature of a
+compromise."
+
+"A compromise?"
+
+"A compromise. What we really desire, if we could have our way, is not
+one, or both, but neither."
+
+
+Sir Lewis Morris was complaining to Oscar Wilde about the neglect of his
+poems by the press. "It is a complete conspiracy of silence against me,
+a conspiracy of silence. What ought I to do, Oscar?" "Join it," replied
+Wilde.
+
+
+  God's prophets of the Beautiful,
+  These Poets were.
+
+  --_E.B. Browning_.
+
+
+  We call those poets who are first to mark
+  Through earth's dull mist the coming of the dawn,--
+  Who see in twilight's gloom the first pale spark,
+  While others only note that day is gone.
+
+  --_O.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+
+
+POLICE
+
+
+A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six different
+positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the police department.
+A few days later the chief of police wrote to headquarters: "Sir, I have
+duly received the portraits of the six miscreants. I have arrested five
+of them, and the sixth will be secured shortly."
+
+
+"I had a message from the Black Hand," said the resident of Graftburg.
+"They told me to leave $2,000 in a vacant house in a certain street."
+
+"Did you tell the police?"
+
+"Right away."
+
+"What did they do?"
+
+"They said that while I was about it I might leave them a couple of
+thousand in the same place."
+
+
+Recipe for a policeman:
+
+  To a quart of boiling temper add a pint of Irish stew
+    Together with cracked nuts, long beats and slugs;
+  Serve hot with mangled citizens who ask the time of day--
+    The receipt is much the same for making thugs.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+_See also_ Servants.
+
+
+
+
+POLITENESS
+
+
+_See_ Courtesy; Etiquet.
+
+
+
+
+POLITICAL PARTIES
+
+
+ZOO SUPERINTENDENT--"What was all the rumpus out there this morning?"
+
+ATTENDANT--"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting over their
+feed."
+
+"What happened?"
+
+"The donkey ate it."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+POLITICIANS
+
+
+Politicians always belong to the opposite party.
+
+
+The man who goes into politics as a business has no business to go into
+politics.--_Life_.
+
+
+A political orator, evidently better acquainted with western geography
+than with the language of the Greeks, recently exclaimed with fervor
+that his principles should prevail "from Alpha to Omaha."
+
+
+POLITICIAN--"Congratulate me, my dear, I've won the nomination."
+
+HIS WIFE (in surprise)--"Honestly?"
+
+POLITICIAN--"Now what in thunder did you want to bring up that point
+for?"
+
+
+"What makes you think the baby is going to be a great politician?" asked
+the young mother, anxiously.
+
+"I'll tell you," answered the young father, confidently; "he can say
+more things that sound well and mean nothing at all than any kid I ever
+saw."
+
+
+"The mere proposal to set the politician to watch the capitalist has
+been disturbed by the rather disconcerting discovery that they are both
+the same man. We are past the point where being a capitalist is the only
+way of becoming a politician, and we are dangerously near the point
+where being a politician is much the quickest way of becoming a
+capitalist."--_G.K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+At a political meeting the speakers and the audience were much annoyed
+and disturbed by a man who constantly called out: "Mr. Henry! Henry,
+Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" After several interruptions of
+this kind during each speech, a young man ascended the platform, and
+began an eloquent and impassioned speech in which he handled the issues
+of the day with easy familiarity. He was in the midst of a glowing
+period when suddenly the old cry echoed through the hall: "Mr. Henry!
+Henry, Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" With a word to the speaker,
+the chairman stepped to the front of the platform and remarked that it
+would oblige the audience very much if the gentleman in the rear of the
+hall would refrain from any further calls for Mr. Henry, as that
+gentleman was then addressing the meeting.
+
+"Mr. Henry? Is that Mr. Henry?" came in astonished tones from the rear.
+"Thunder! that can't be him. Why, that's the young man that asked me to
+call for Mr. Henry."
+
+
+A political speaker, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it
+and exclaimed: "Now gentlemen, what do you think?"
+
+A man rose in the assembly, and with one eye partially closed, replied
+modestly, with a strong Scotch brogue: "I think, sir, I do, indeed,
+sir--I think if you and I were to stump the country together we could
+tell more lies than any other two men in the country, sir, and I'd not
+say a word myself during the whole time, sir."
+
+
+The Rev. Dr. Biddell tells a lively story about a Presbyterian minister
+who had a young son, a lad about ten years of age. He was endeavoring to
+bring him up in the way he should go, and was one day asked by a friend
+what he intended to make of him. In reply he said:
+
+"I am watching the indications. I have a plan which I propose trying
+with the boy. It is this: I am going to place in my parlor a Bible, an
+apple and a silver dollar. Then I am going to leave the room and call in
+the boy. I am going to watch him from some convenient place without
+letting him know that he is seen. Then, if he chooses the Bible, I shall
+make a preacher of him; if he takes the apple, a farmer he shall be; but
+if he chooses the dollar, I will make him a business man."
+
+The plan was carried out. The arrangements were made and the boy called
+in from his play. After a little while the preacher and his wife softly
+entered the room. There was the youngster. He was seated on the Bible,
+in one hand was the apple, from which he was just taking a bite, and in
+the other he clasped the silver dollar. The good man turned to his
+consort. "Wife," he said, "the boy is a hog. I shall make a politician
+of him."
+
+
+Senator Mark Hanna was walking through his mill one day when he heard a
+boy say:
+
+"I wish I had Hanna's money and he was in the poorhouse."
+
+When he returned to the office the senator sent for the lad, who was
+plainly mystified by the summons.
+
+"So you wish you had my money and I was in the poorhouse," said the
+great man grimly. "Now supposing you had your wish, what would you do?"
+
+"Well," said the boy quickly, his droll grin showing his appreciation of
+the situation, "I guess I'd get you out of the poorhouse the first
+thing."
+
+Mr. Hanna roared with laughter and dismissed the youth.
+
+"You might as well push that boy along," he said to one of his
+assistants; "he's too good a politician to be kept down."
+
+
+_See also_ Candidates; Public Speakers.
+
+
+
+
+POLITICS
+
+
+Politics consists of two sides and a fence.
+
+
+If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British public, I
+should define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in every four or five
+years.--_A.E.W. Mason_.
+
+
+LITTLE CLARENCE (who has an inquiring mind)--"Papa, the Forty Thieves--"
+
+MR. CALLIPERS--"Now, my son, you are too young to talk
+politics."--_Puck_.
+
+
+"Many a man," remarked the milk toast philosopher, "has gone into
+politics with a fine future, and come out with a terrible past." Lord
+Dufferin delivered an address before the Greek class of the McGill
+University about which a reporter wrote:
+
+"His lordship spoke to the class in the purest ancient Greek, without
+mispronouncing a word or making the slightest grammatical solecism."
+
+"Good heavens!" remarked Sir Hector Langevin to the late Sir John A.
+Macdonald, "how did the reporter know that!"
+
+"I told him," was the Conservative statesman's answer.
+
+"But you don't know Greek."
+
+"True; but I know a little about politics."
+
+
+Little Millie's father and grandfather were Republicans; and, as
+election drew near, they spoke of their opponents with increasing
+warmth, never heeding Millie's attentive ears and wondering eyes.
+
+One night, however, as the little maid was preparing for bed, she
+whispered in a frightened voice: "Oh, mamma, I don't dare to go
+upstairs. I'm afraid there's a Democrat under the bed."
+
+
+"The shortest after-dinner speech I ever heard," said Cy Warman, the
+poet, "was at a dinner in Providence."
+
+"A man was assigned to the topic, 'The Christian in Politics.' When he
+was called upon he arose, bowed and said: 'Mr. Chairman, ladies and
+gentlemen: The Christian in Politics--he ain't.'"
+
+
+Politics is but the common pulse-beat of which revolution is the fever
+spasm.--_Wendell Phillips_.
+
+
+
+
+POVERTY
+
+
+Poverty is no disgrace, but that's about all that can be said in its
+favor.
+
+
+A traveler passing through the Broad Top Mountain district in northern
+Bedford County, Pennsylvania, last summer, came across a lad of sixteen
+cultivating a patch of miserable potatoes. He remarked upon their
+unpromising appearance and expressed pity for anyone who had to dig a
+living out of such soil.
+
+"I don't need no pity," said the boy resentfully.
+
+The traveler hastened to soothe his wounded pride. But in the offended
+tone of one who has been misjudged the boy added; "I ain't as poor as
+you think. I'm only _workin'_ here. I don't _own_ this place."
+
+
+One day an inspector of a New York tenement-house found four families
+living in one room, chalk lines being drawn across in such manner as to
+mark out a quarter for each family.
+
+"How do you get along here?" inquired the inspector.
+
+"Very well," was the reply. "Only the man in the farthest corner keeps
+boarders."
+
+
+There is no man so poor but that he can afford to keep one dog, and I
+hev seen them so poor that they could afford to keep three.--_Josh
+Billings_.
+
+
+May poverty be always a day's march behind us.
+
+
+Not he who has little, but he who wishes for more, is poor.--_Seneca_.
+
+
+
+
+PRAISE
+
+
+WIFE (complainingly)--"You never praise me up to any one."
+
+HUB--"I don't, eh! You should hear me describe you at the intelligence
+office when I'm trying to hire a cook."
+
+
+"What sort of a man is he?"
+
+"Well, he's just what I've been looking for--a generous soul, with a
+limousine body."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+PRAYER MEETINGS
+
+
+A foreigner who attended a prayer meeting in Indiana was asked what the
+assistants did. "Not very much," he said, "only they sin and
+bray."
+
+
+
+PRAYERS
+
+
+During the winter the village preacher was taken sick, and several of
+his children were also afflicted with the mumps. One day a number of the
+devout church members called to pray for the family. While they were
+about it a boy, the son of a member living in the country, knocked at
+the preacher's door. He had his arms full of things. "What have you
+there?" a deacon asked him.
+
+"Pa's prayers for a happy Thanksgiving," the boy answered, as he
+proceeded to unload potatoes, bacon, flour and other provisions for the
+afflicted family.
+
+
+A little girl in Washington surprised her mother the other day by
+closing her evening prayers in these words: "Amen; good bye; ring off."
+
+
+TEACHER--"Now, Tommy, suppose a man gave you $100 to keep for him and
+then died, what would you do? Would you pray for him?"
+
+TOMMY--"No, sir; but I would pray for another like him."
+
+
+A well-known revivalist whose work has been principally among the
+negroes of a certain section of the South remembers one service
+conducted by him that was not entirely successful. He had had very poor
+attendance, and spent much time in questioning the darkies as to their
+reason for not attending.
+
+"Why were you not at our revival?" he asked one old man, whom he
+encountered on the road.
+
+"Oh, I dunno," said the backward one.
+
+"Don't you ever pray?" demanded the preacher.
+
+The old man shook his head. "No," said he; "I carries a rabbit's
+foot."--_Taylor Edwards_.
+
+
+A little girl attending an Episcopal church for the first time, was
+amazed to see all kneel suddenly. She asked her mother what they were
+going to do. Her mother replied, "Hush, they're going to say their
+prayers."
+
+"What with all their clothes on?"
+
+
+The new minister in a Georgia church was delivering his first sermon.
+The darky janitor was a critical listener from a back corner of the
+church. The minister's sermon was eloquent, and his prayers seemed to
+cover the whole category of human wants.
+
+After the services one of the deacons asked the old darky what he
+thought of the new minister. "Don't you think he offers up a good
+prayer, Joe?"
+
+"Ah mos' suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat man axed de good Lord fo' things
+dat de odder preacher didn't even know He had!"
+
+
+Hilma was always glad to say her prayers, but she wanted to be sure that
+she was heard in the heavens above as well as on the earth beneath.
+
+One night, after the usual "Amen," she dropped her head upon her pillow
+and closed her eyes. After a moment she lifted her hand and, waving it
+aloft, said, "Oh, Lord! this prayer comes from 203 Selden Avenue."
+
+
+Willie's mother had told him that if he went to the river to play he
+should go to bed. One day she was away, and on coming home about two
+o'clock in the afternoon found Willie in bed.
+
+"What are you in bed for?" asked his mother.
+
+"I went to the river to play, and I knew you would put me in bed, so I
+didn't wait for you to come."
+
+"Did you say your prayers before you went to bed?" asked his mother.
+
+"No," said Willie. "You don't suppose God would be loafing around here
+this time of day, do you? He's at the office."
+
+
+Little Polly, coming in from her walk one morning, informed her mother
+that she had seen a lion in the park. No amount of persuasion or
+reasoning could make her vary her statement one hairbreadth. That night,
+when she slipped down on her knees to say her prayers, her mother said,
+"Polly, ask God to forgive you for that fib."
+
+Polly hid her face for a moment. Then she looked straight into her
+mother's eyes, her own eyes shining like stars, and said, "I did ask
+him, mamma, dearest, and he said, 'Don't mention it, Miss Polly; that
+big yellow dog has often fooled me.'"
+
+
+Prayer is the spirit speaking truth to Truth.--_Bailey_.
+
+
+  Pray to be perfect, though material leaven
+  Forbid the spirit so on earth to be;
+  But if for any wish thou darest not pray,
+  Then pray to God to cast that wish away.
+
+  --_Hartley Coleridge_.
+
+
+_See also_ Courage.
+
+
+
+
+PREACHING
+
+
+The services in the chapel of a certain western university are from time
+to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many denominations and from
+many cities.
+
+On one occasion, when one of these visiting divines asked the president
+how long he should speak, that witty officer replied:
+
+"There is no limit, Doctor, upon the time you may preach; but I may tell
+you that there is a tradition here that the most souls are saved during
+the first twenty-five minutes."
+
+
+One Sunday morning a certain young pastor in his first charge announced
+nervously:
+
+"I will take for my text the words, 'And they fed five men with five
+thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
+
+At this misquotation an old parishioner from his seat in the amen corner
+said audibly:
+
+"That's no miracle--I could do it myself."
+
+The young preacher said nothing at the time, but the next Sunday he
+announced the same text again. This time he got it right:
+
+"And they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and two
+fishes."
+
+He waited a moment, and then, leaning over the pulpit and looking at the
+amen corner, he said:
+
+"And could you do that, too, Mr. Smith?"
+
+"Of course I could," Mr. Smith replied.
+
+"And how would you do it?" said the preacher.
+
+"With what was left over from last Sunday," said Mr. Smith.
+
+
+The late Bishop Foss once visited a Philadelphia physician for some
+trifling ailment. "Do you, sir," the doctor asked, in the course of his
+examination, "talk in your sleep?"
+
+"No sir," answered the bishop. "I talk in other people's. Aren't you
+aware that I am a divine?"
+
+
+"Yes, sir," said the irate man, "I got even with that clergyman. I
+slurred him. Why, I hired one hundred people to attend his church and go
+to sleep before he had preached five minutes."
+
+
+A noted eastern Judge when visiting in the west went to church on
+Sunday; which isn't so remarkable as the fact that he knew beforehand
+that the preacher was exceedingly tedious and long winded to the last
+degree. After the service the preacher met the Judge in the vestibule
+and said: "Well, your Honor, how did you like the sermon?"
+
+"Oh, most wonderfully," replied the Judge. "It was like the peace of
+God; for it passed all understanding, and, like His mercy, I thought it
+would have endured forever."
+
+
+The preacher's evening discourse was dry and long, and the congregation
+gradually melted away. The sexton tiptoed up to the pulpit and slipped a
+note under one corner of the Bible. It read:
+
+"When you are through, will you please turn off the lights, lock the
+door, and put the key under the mat?"
+
+
+The new minister's first sermon was very touching and created much
+favorable comment among the members of the church. One morning, a few
+days later, his nine-year-old son happened to be alone in the pastor's
+study and with childish curiosity started to read through some papers on
+the desk. They happened to be this identical sermon, but he was most
+interested in the marginal notes. In one place in the margin were
+written the words, "Cry a little." Further on in the discourse appeared
+another marginal remark, "Cry a little more." On the next to the last
+sheet the boy found his good father had penned another remark, "Cry like
+thunder."
+
+
+A young preacher, who was staying at a clergy-house, was in the habit of
+retiring to his room for an hour or more each day to practice pulpit
+oratory. At such times he filled the house with sounds of fervor and
+pathos, and emptied it of almost everything else. Phillips Brooks
+chanced to be visiting a friend in this house one day when the budding
+orator was holding forth.
+
+"Gracious me!" exclaimed the Bishop, starting up in assumed terror,
+"pray, what might that be?"
+
+"Sit down, Bishop," his friend replied. "That's only young D----
+practising what he preaches."
+
+
+A distinguished theologian was invited to make an address before a
+Sunday-school. The divine spoke for over an hour and his remarks were of
+too deep a character for the average juvenile mind to comprehend. At the
+conclusion, the superintendent, according to custom, requested some one
+in the school to name an appropriate hymn to be sung.
+
+"Sing 'Revive Us Again,'" shouted a boy in the rear of the room.
+
+
+A clergyman was once sent for in the middle of the night by one of his
+woman parishioners.
+
+"Well, my good woman," said he, "so you are ill and require the
+consolations of religion? What can I do for you?"
+
+"No," replied the old lady, "I am only nervous and can't sleep!"
+
+"But how can I help that?" said the parson.
+
+"Oh, sir, you always put me to sleep so nicely when I go to church that
+I thought if you would only preach a little for me!"
+
+
+  I never see my rector's eyes;
+  He hides their light divine;
+  For when he prays, he shuts his own,
+  And when he preaches, mine.
+
+
+A stranger entered the church in the middle of the sermon and seated
+himself in the back pew. After a while he began to fidget. Leaning over
+to the white-haired man at his side, evidently an old member of the
+congregation, he whispered:
+
+"How long has he been preaching?"
+
+"Thirty or forty years, I think," the old man answered.
+
+"I'll stay then," decided the stranger. "He must be nearly done."
+
+
+Once upon a time there was an Indian named Big Smoke, employed as a
+missionary to his fellow Smokes.
+
+A white man encountering Big Smoke, asked him what he did for a living.
+
+"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me preach."
+
+"That so? What do you get for preaching?"
+
+"Me get ten dollars a year."
+
+"Well," said the white man, "that's damn poor pay."
+
+"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me damn poor preacher."
+
+
+_See also_ Clergy.
+
+
+
+
+PRESCRIPTIONS
+
+
+After a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the suburbs
+became ill, and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor, who wrote a
+prescription after examining the patient. The doctor, upon departing,
+said: "Just let your husband take that and you'll find he will be all
+right in a short time."
+
+Next day the doctor called again, and the wife opened the door, her face
+beaming with smiles. "Sure, that was a wonderful wee bit of paper you
+left yesterday," she exclaimed. "William is better to-day."
+
+"I'm glad to hear that," said the much-pleased medical man.
+
+"Not but what I hadn't a big job to get him to swallow it." she
+continued, "but, sure, I just wrapped up the wee bit of paper quite
+small and put it in a spoonful of jam and William swallowed it
+unbeknownst. By night he was entirely better."
+
+
+
+
+PRESENCE OF MIND
+
+
+"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to face?"
+
+"I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller, the
+luggage-carriers, the dining-car waiters, and the sleeping-car porters
+and borrowed a dollar from him."
+
+
+
+
+PRINTERS
+
+
+The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast "hoe," the
+carpenter with his "rule," and the mason in "setting up tall columns";
+and he surpasses the lawyer and the doctor in attending to the "cases,"
+and beats the parson in the management of the devil.
+
+
+
+
+PRISONS
+
+
+A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was
+given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced
+him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond of
+a smile, and feeling particularly good on that particular day,
+considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around the cell
+told him it was dirty, and not fit for a hog to be put in. One word
+brought on another, till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he did
+not behave himself he would put him out. To which the prisoner replied:
+"I will give you to understand, sir, I have as good a right here as you
+have!"
+
+
+SHERIFF--"That fellow who just left jail is going to be arrested again
+soon."
+
+"How do you know?"
+
+SHERIFF--"He chopped my wood, carried the water, and mended my socks. I
+can't get along without him."
+
+
+
+
+PRODIGALS
+
+
+"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and weep?"
+
+"Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort' it."
+
+
+
+
+PROFANITY
+
+
+THE RECTOR--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word
+an oath."
+
+THE MAN--"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we
+don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it."
+
+
+FIRST DEAF MUTE--"He wasn't so very angry, was he?"
+
+SECOND DEAF MUTE--"He was so wild that the words he used almost
+blistered his fingers."
+
+
+The little daughter of a clergyman stubbed her toe and said, "Darn!"
+
+"I'll give you ten cents," said father, "if you'll never say that word
+again."
+
+A few days afterward she came to him and said: "Papa, I've got a word
+worth half a dollar."
+
+
+Very frequently the winter highways of the Yukon valley are mere trails,
+traversed only by dog-sledges. One of the bishops in Alaska, who was
+very fond of that mode of travel, encountered a miner coming out with
+his dog-team, and stopped to ask him what kind of a road he had come
+over.
+
+The miner responded with a stream of forcible and picturesque profanity,
+winding up with:
+
+"And what kind o' trail did you have?"
+
+"Same as yours," replied the bishop feelingly.--_Elgin Burroughs_.
+
+
+  A scrupulous priest of Kildare,
+  Used to pay a rude peasant to swear,
+    Who would paint the air blue,
+    For an hour or two,
+  While his reverence wrestled in prayer.
+
+
+Donald and Jeanie were putting down a carpet. Donald slammed the end of
+his thumb with the hammer and began to pour forth his soul in language
+befitting the occasion.
+
+"Donald, Donald!" shrieked Jeanie, horrified. "Dinna swear that way!"
+
+"Wummun!" vociferated Donald; "gin ye know ony better way, now is the
+time to let me know it!"
+
+
+"It is not always necessary to make a direct accusation," said the
+lawyer who was asking damages because insinuations had been made against
+his client's good name. "You may have heard of the woman who called to
+the hired girl, 'Mary, Mary. come here and take the parrot
+downstairs--the master has dropped his collar button!'"
+
+
+Little Bartholomew's mother overheard him swearing like a mule-driver.
+He displayed a fluency that overwhelmed her. She took him to task,
+explaining the wickedness of profanity as well as its vulgarity. She
+asked where he had learned all those dreadful words. Bartholomew
+announced that Cavert, one of his playmates, had taught him.
+
+Cavert's mother was straightway informed and Cavert was brought to book.
+He vigorously denied having instructed Bartholomew, and neither threats
+nor tears could make him confess. At last he burst out:
+
+"I didn't tell Bartholomew any cuss words. Why should I know how to cuss
+any better than he does? Hasn't his father got an automobile, too?"
+
+
+They were in Italy together.
+
+"If you would let me curse them black and blue," said the groom, "we
+shouldn't have to wait so long for the trunks."
+
+"But, darling, please don't. It would distress me so," murmured the
+bride.
+
+The groom went off, but quickly returned with the porters before him
+trundling the trunks at a double quick.
+
+"Oh, dearest, how did you do it? You didn't--?"
+
+"Not at all. I thought of something that did quite as well. I said,
+'_S-s-s-susquehanna, R-r-r-rappahannock!'"--Cornelia C. Ward_.
+
+
+A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty
+words about a motorcar. She submitted the following:
+
+"My uncle bought a motorcar. He was riding in the country when it busted
+up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are
+what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not
+fit for publication."
+
+
+The ashman was raising a can of ashes above his head to dump the
+contents into his cart, when the bottom of the can came out. Ethel saw
+it and ran in and told her mother.
+
+"I hope you didn't listen to what he said," the mother remarked.
+
+"He didn't say a word to me," replied the little girl; "he just walked
+right off by the side of his cart, talking to God."
+
+
+A young man entered the jeweler's store and bought a ring, which he
+ordered engraved. The jeweler asked what name.
+
+"George Osborne to Harriet Lewis, but I prefer only the initials, G.O.
+to H.L."
+
+
+For it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent
+sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof
+itself would have earned him.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+PROHIBITION
+
+
+"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth, Kansas?"
+asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No? Well, that's a
+dry town for you, all right."
+
+"They can't sell liquor at all there?" asked one of the men.
+
+"Only if you had been bitten by a snake," said the drummer. "They have
+only one snake in town, and when I got to it the other day after
+standing in line for nearly half a day it was too tired to bite."
+
+
+It was prohibition country. As soon as the train pulled up, a seedy
+little man with a covered basket on his arm hurried to the open windows
+of the smoker and exhibited a quart bottle filled with rich, dark fluid.
+
+"Want to buy some nice cold tea?" he asked, with just the suspicion of a
+wink.
+
+Two thirsty-looking cattlemen brightened visibly, and each paid a dollar
+for a bottle.
+
+"Wait until you get outer the station before you take a drink," the
+little man cautioned them. "I don't wanter get in trouble."
+
+He found three other customers before the train pulled out, in each case
+repeating his warning.
+
+"You seem to be doing a pretty good business," remarked a man who had
+watched it all. "But I don't see why you'd run any more risk of getting
+in trouble if they took a drink before the train started."
+
+"Ye don't, hey? Well, what them bottles had in 'em, pardner, was real
+cold tea."
+
+
+
+
+PROMOTING
+
+
+Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the British
+North Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was approached with
+a view to floating a rubber company. His friend was quite ready. "How
+many trees have you?" he asked. "We have not got any trees," was the
+answer. "How much land have you?" "We have no land." "What then have you
+got?" "I have a bag of seeds!"
+
+
+There are many tales about the caution of Russell Sage and the
+cleverness with which he outwitted those who sought to get some of his
+money from him. Two brilliant promoters went to him one time and
+presented a scheme. The financier listened for an hour, and when they
+departed they were told that Mr. Sage's decision would be mailed to them
+in a few days.
+
+"I think we have got Uncle Russell," said one of the promoters. "I
+really believe we have won his confidence."
+
+"I fear not," observed the other doubtfully. "He is too suspicious."
+
+"Suspicious? I didn't observe any sign of it."
+
+"Didn't you notice that he counted his fingers after I had shaken hands
+with him and we were coming away?"
+
+
+
+
+PROMOTION
+
+
+Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from the
+cemetery.--_Edward Sanford Martin_.
+
+
+
+
+PROMPTNESS
+
+
+"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?"
+
+"First out of the building when the bell rings."
+
+
+The head of a large business house bought a number of those "Do it now"
+signs and hung them up around his offices. When, after the first few
+days of those signs, the business man counted up the results, he found
+that the cashier had skipped out with $20,000, the head bookkeeper had
+eloped with the stenographer, three clerks had asked for a raise in
+salary, and the office boy had lit out for the west to become a
+highwayman.
+
+
+"Are you waiting for me, dear?" she said, coming downstairs at last,
+after spending half an hour fixing her hat.
+
+"Waiting," exclaimed the impatient man. "Oh no, not
+waiting--sojourning."
+
+
+
+
+PRONUNCIATION
+
+
+A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the use of
+words, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what he was
+saying. On one occasion, in the course of an eloquent prayer, he
+pleaded:
+
+"O Lord! waken thy cause in the hearts of this congregation and give
+them new eyes to see and new impulse to do. Send down Thy lev-er or
+lee-ver, according to Webster's or Worcester's dictionary, whichever
+Thou usest, and pry them into activity."
+
+
+"I'm at the head of my class, pa," said Willie.
+
+"Dear me, son, how did that happen?" cried his father.
+
+"Why, the teacher asked us this morning how to pronounce
+C-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a, and nobody knew," said Willie, "but when she got down
+to me I sneezed and she said that was right."
+
+
+_See also_ Liars.
+
+
+
+
+PROPORTION
+
+
+A middle-aged colored woman in a Georgia village, hearing a commotion in
+a neighbor's cabin, looked in at the door. On the floor lay a small boy
+writhing in great distress while his mother bent solicitously over him.
+
+"What-all's de matter wif de chile?" asked the visitor sympathetically.
+
+"I spec's hit's too much watermillion," responded the mother.
+
+"Ho! go 'long wif you," protested the visitor scornfully. "Dey cyan't
+never be too much watermillion. Hit mus' be dat dere ain't enough boy."
+
+
+
+
+PROPOSALS
+
+
+A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of proposal
+asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a young man should
+propose to a girl on his knees.
+
+"If he doesn't," replied his friend, "the girl should get off."
+
+
+A gentleman who had been in Chicago only three days, but who had been
+paying attention to a prominent Chicago belle, wanted to propose, but
+was afraid he would be thought too hasty. He delicately broached the
+subject as follows: "If I were to speak to you of marriage, after having
+only made your acquaintance three days ago, what would you say of it?"
+
+"Well, I should say, never put off till tomorrow that which should have
+been done the day before yesterday."
+
+
+  There was a young man from the West,
+  Who proposed to the girl he loved best,
+   But so closely he pressed her
+   To make her say, yes, sir,
+  That he broke two cigars in his vest.
+
+  --_The Tobacconist_.
+
+
+They were dining on fowl in a restaurant. "You see," he explained, as he
+showed her the wishbone, "you take hold here. Then we must both make a
+wish and pull, and when it breaks the one who has the bigger part of it
+will have his or her wish granted." "But I don't know what to wish for,"
+she protested. "Oh! you can think of something," he said. "No, I can't,"
+she replied; "I can't think of anything I want very much." "Well, I'll
+wish for you," he explained. "Will you, really?" she asked. "Yes."
+"Well, then there's no use fooling with the old wishbone," she
+interrupted with a glad smile, "you can have me."
+
+
+"Dear May," wrote the young man, "pardon me, but I'm getting so
+forgetful. I proposed to you last night, but really forget whether you
+said yes or no."
+
+"Dear Will," she replied by note, "so glad to hear from you. I know I
+said 'no' to some one last night, but I had forgotten just who it was."
+
+
+The four Gerton girls were all good-looking; indeed, the three younger
+ones were beautiful; while Annie, the oldest, easily made up in
+capability and horse sense what she lacked in looks.
+
+A young chap, very eligible, called on the girls frequently, but seemed
+unable to decide which to marry. So Annie put on her thinking cap, and,
+one evening when the young chap called, she appeared with her pretty
+arms bare to the elbow and her hands white with flour.
+
+"Oh, you must excuse my appearance," she said. "I have been working in
+the kitchen all day. I baked bread and pies and cake this morning, and
+afterward, as the cook was ill, I prepared dinner."
+
+"Miss Annie, is that so?" said the young man. He looked at her, deeply
+impressed. Then, after a moment's thought, he said:
+
+"Miss Annie, there is a question I wish to ask you, and on your answer
+will depend much of my life's happiness."
+
+"Yes?" she said, with a blush, and she drew a little nearer. "Yes? What
+is it?"
+
+"Miss Annie," said the young man, in deep earnest tones, "I am thinking
+of proposing to your sister Kate--will you make your home with us?"
+
+
+It was at Christmas, and he had been calling on her twice a week for six
+months, but had not proposed.
+
+"Ethel," he said, "I--er--am going to ask you an important question."
+
+"Oh, George," she exclaimed, "this is so sudden! Why, I--"
+
+"No, excuse me," he interrupted; "what I want to ask is this: What date
+have you and your mother decided upon for our wedding?"
+
+
+A Scotch beadle led the maiden of his choice to a churchyard and,
+pointing to the various headstones, said:
+
+"My folks are all buried there, Jennie. Wad ye like to be buried there
+too?"
+
+
+IMPECUNIOUS LOVER--"Be mine, Amanda, and you will be treated like an
+angel."
+
+WEALTHY MAIDEN--"Yes, I suppose so. Nothing to eat, and less to wear.
+No, thank you."
+
+
+The surest way to hit a woman's heart is to take aim kneeling.--_Douglas
+Jerrold_.
+
+
+
+
+PROPRIETY
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Wilts,
+  Who walked up to Scotland on stilts;
+    When they said it was shocking
+    To show so much stocking,
+  She answered: "Then what about kilts?"
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+
+
+PROSPERITY
+
+
+  May bad fortune follow you all your days
+  And never catch up with you.
+
+
+
+
+PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH
+
+One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusing
+story.
+
+A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some
+very young kittens to passers-by. One day he accosted the
+late Reverend Phillips Brooks, asking him to purchase, and
+recommending them as good Episcopal kittens. Dr. Brooks
+laughingly refused, thinking them too small to be taken from
+their mother. A few days later a Presbyterian minister who
+had witnessed this episode was asked by the same boy to buy the
+same kittens. This time the lad announced that they were faithful
+Presbyterians.
+
+"Didn't you tell Dr. Brooks last week that they were Episcopal
+kittens?" the minister asked sternly.
+
+"Yes sir," replied the boy quickly, "but they's had their eyes
+opened since then, sir."
+
+
+An Episcopal clergyman who was passing his vacation in
+a remote country district met an old farmer who declared that
+he was a "'Piscopal."
+
+"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman.
+
+"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish," was the answer.
+
+"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question.
+
+"Nobody," answered the farmer.
+
+"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman.
+
+"Well," was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winter
+I went to church, an' it was called 'Piscopal, an' I heerd them
+say that they left undone the things what they'd oughter done
+and they'd done some things what they oughtenter done, and I
+says to myself says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly,' and ever sence
+then I've been a 'Piscopalian."
+
+
+
+
+PROTESTANTS
+
+
+A Protestant mission meeting had been held in an Irish town and this
+was the gardener's contribution to the controversy that ensued:
+"Pratestants!" he said with lofty scorn, "'Twas mighty little St. Paul
+thought of the Pratestants. You've all heard tell of the 'pistle he
+wrote to the Romans, but I'd ax ye this, did any of yez iver hear of
+his writing a 'pistle to the Pratestants?"
+
+
+
+
+PROVIDENCE
+
+
+"Why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a thousand
+dollars, Mama?"
+
+"It was God's will, dear."
+
+"And was it because God was mad at papa or pleased with the
+doctor?"--_Life_.
+
+
+There's a certain minister whose duties sometimes call him out of the
+city. He has always arranged for some one of his parishioners to keep
+company with his wife and little daughter during these absences.
+Recently, however, he was called away so suddenly that he had no
+opportunity of providing a guardian.
+
+The wife was very brave during the early evening, but after dark had
+fallen her courage began to fail. She stayed up with her little girl
+till there was no excuse for staying any longer and then took her
+upstairs to bed.
+
+"Now go to sleep, Dearie," she said. "Don't be afraid. God will
+protect you."
+
+"Yes, Mother," answered the little girl, "that'll be all right
+tonight, but next time let's make better arrangements."
+
+
+
+
+PROVINCIALISM
+
+
+Some time ago an English friend of Colonel W.J. Lampton's living in
+New York and having never visited the South, went to Virginia to spend
+a month with friends. After a fortnight of it, he wrote back:
+
+"Oh, I say, old top, you never told me that the South was anything
+like I have found it, and so different to the North. Why, man, it's
+God's country."
+
+The Colonel, who gets his title from Kentucky, answered promptly by
+postal.
+
+"Of course it is," he wrote. "You didn't suppose God was a Yankee, did
+you?"
+
+
+A southerner, with the intense love for his own district, attended a
+banquet. The next day a friend asked him who was present. With a
+reminiscent smile he replied: "An elegant gentleman from Virginia, a
+gentleman from Kentucky, a man from Ohio, a bounder from Chicago, a
+fellow from New York, and a galoot from Maine."
+
+They had driven fourteen miles to the lake, and then rowed six miles
+across the lake to get to the railroad station, when the Chicago man
+asked:
+
+"How in the world do you get your mail and newspapers here in the
+winter when the storms are on?"
+
+"Wa-al, we don't sometimes. I've seen this lake thick up so that it
+was three weeks before we got a Chicago paper," answered the man from
+"nowhere."
+
+"Well, you were cut off," said the Chicago man.
+
+"Ya-as, we were so," was the reply. "Still, the Chicago folks were
+just as badly off."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"Wa-al," drawled the man, "we didn't know what was going on in
+Chicago, of course. But then, neither did Chicago folks know what was
+going on down here."
+
+
+
+
+PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS
+
+
+The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the witness
+belonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to the court.
+
+"The court sees no harm in the question," answered the judge. "You may
+answer."
+
+"Well, I belong to three."
+
+"What are they?"
+
+"The Knights of Pythias, the Odd Fellows, and the gas company."
+
+
+"Yes, he had some rare trouble with his eyes," said the celebrated
+oculist. "Every time he went to read he would read double."
+
+"Poor fellow," remarked the sympathetic person. "I suppose that
+interfered with his holding a good position?"
+
+"Not at all. The gas company gobbled him up and gave him a lucrative
+job reading gas-meters."
+
+
+
+
+PUBLIC SPEAKERS
+
+
+ORATOR--"I thought your paper was friendly to me?"
+
+EDITOR--"So it is. What's the matter?"
+
+ORATOR--"I made a speech at the dinner last night, and you didn't
+print a line of it."
+
+EDITOR--"Well, what further proof do you want?"
+
+
+TRAVELING LECTURER FOR SOCIETY (to the remaining listener)--"I should
+like to thank you, sir, for so attentively hearing me to the end of a
+rather too long speech."
+
+LOCAL MEMBER OF SOCIETY--"Not at all, sir. I'm the second speaker."
+
+
+Ex-senator Spooner of Wisconsin says the best speech of introduction
+he ever heard was delivered by the German mayor of a small town in
+Wisconsin, where Spooner had been engaged to speak.
+
+The mayor said:
+
+"Ladies und shentlemens, I haf been asked to indrotoose you to the
+Honorable Senator Spooner, who vill make to you a speech, yes. I haf
+now done so; he vill now do so."
+
+
+"When I arose to speak," related a martyred statesman, "some one
+hurled a base, cowardly egg at me and it struck me in the chest."
+
+"And what kind of an egg might that be?" asked a fresh young man.
+
+"A base, cowardly egg," explained the statesman, "is one that hits you
+and then runs."
+
+
+"Uncle Joe" Cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is sometimes
+embarrassing to others. On one occasion an inexperienced young fellow
+was called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which ex-speaker
+Cannon was also present.
+
+"Gentlemen," began the young fellow, "my opinion is that the
+generality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of the
+generality of--"
+
+"Sit down, son," interrupted "Uncle Joe." "You are coming out of the
+same hole you went in at."
+
+
+A South African tribe has an effective method of dealing with bores,
+which might be adopted by Western peoples. This simple tribe considers
+long speeches injurious to the orator and his hearers; so to protect
+both there is an unwritten law that every public orator must stand on
+only one leg when he is addressing an audience. As soon as he has to
+place the other leg on the ground his oration is brought to a close,
+by main force, if necessary.
+
+
+A rather turgid orator, noted for his verbosity and heaviness, was
+once assigned to do some campaigning in a mining camp in the
+mountains. There were about fifty miners present when he began; but
+when, at the end of a couple of hours, he gave no sign of finishing,
+his listeners dropped away.
+
+Some went back to work, but the majority sought places to quench their
+thirst, which had been aggravated by the dryness of the discourse.
+
+Finally there was only one auditor left, a dilapidated, weary-looking
+old fellow. Fixing his gaze on him, the orator pulled out a large
+six-shooter and laid it on the table. The old fellow rose slowly and
+drawled out:
+
+"Be you going to shoot if I go?"
+
+"You bet I am," replied the speaker. "I'm bound to finish my speech,
+even if I have to shoot to keep an audience."
+
+The old fellow sighed in a tired manner, and edged slowly away, saying
+as he did so:
+
+"Well, shoot if you want to. I may jest as well be shot as talked to
+death."
+
+
+The self-made millionaire who had endowed the school had been invited
+to make the opening speech at the commencement exercises. He had not
+often had a chance of speaking before the public and he was resolved
+to make the most of it. He dragged his address out most tiresomely,
+repeating the same thought over and over. Unable to stand it any
+longer a couple of boys in the rear of the room slipped out. A
+coachman who was waiting outside asked them if the millionaire had
+finished his speech.
+
+"Gee, yes!" replied the boys, "but he won't stop."
+
+
+Mark Twain once told this story:
+
+"Some years ago in Hartford, we all went to church one hot, sweltering
+night to hear the annual report of Mr. Hawley, a city missionary who
+went around finding people who needed help and didn't want to ask for
+it. He told of the life in cellars, where poverty resided; he gave
+instances of the heroism and devotion of the poor. When a man with
+millions gives, he said, we make a great deal of noise. It's a noise
+in the wrong place, for it's the widow's mite that counts. Well,
+Hawley worked me up to a great pitch. I could hardly wait for him to
+get through. I had $400 in my pocket. I wanted to give that and borrow
+more to give. You could see greenbacks in every eye. But instead of
+passing the plate then, he kept on talking and talking and talking,
+and as he talked it grew hotter and hotter and hotter, and we grew
+sleepier and sleepier and sleepier. My enthusiasm went down, down,
+down, down--$100 at a clip--until finally, when the plate did come
+around, I stole ten cents out of it. It all goes to show how a little
+thing like this can lead to crime."
+
+
+_See also_ After dinner speeches; Candidates; Politicians.
+
+
+
+
+PUNISHMENT
+
+
+A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the
+teacher:
+
+    "Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home
+    except in self-defense."
+
+
+"No, sirree!" ejaculated Bunkerton. "There wasn't any of that nonsense
+in my family. My father never thrashed me in all his life."
+
+"Too bad, too bad," sighed Hickenlooper. "Another wreck due to a
+misplaced switch."
+
+
+James the Second, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton, the poet,
+and asked him among other things, if he did not think the loss of his
+sight a judgment upon him for what he had writen against his father,
+Charles the First. Milton answered: "If your Highness think my loss of
+sight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losing
+his head."--_Life_.
+
+
+A white man during reconstruction times was arraigned before a colored
+justice of the peace for killing a man and stealing his mule. It was
+in Arkansas, near the Texas border, and there was some rivalry between
+the states, but the colored justice tried to preserve an impartial
+frame of mind.
+
+"We's got two kinds ob law in dis yer co't," he said: "Texas law an'
+Arkansas law. Which will you hab?"
+
+The prisoner thought a minute and then guessed that he would take the
+Arkansas law.
+
+"Den I discharge you fo' stealin' de mule, an' hang you fo' killin' de
+man."
+
+"Hold on a minute, Judge," said the prisoner. "Better make that Texas
+law."
+
+"All right. Den I fin' you fo' killin' de man, an' hang you fo'
+stealin' de mule."
+
+
+A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the
+court:
+
+"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at
+all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm
+and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is not
+himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for
+an offense committed by only one of his limbs."
+
+"That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it
+logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
+He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
+
+The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed his
+cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.
+
+
+Muriel, a five-year-old subject of King George, has been thought by
+her parents too young to feel the weight of the rod, and has been
+ruled by moral suasion alone. But when, the other day, she achieved
+disobedience three times in five minutes, more vigorous measures were
+called for, and her mother took an ivory paper-knife from the table
+and struck her smartly across her little bare legs. Muriel looked
+astounded. Her mother explained the reason for the blow. Muriel
+thought deeply for a moment. Then, turning toward the door with a
+grave and disapproving countenance, she announced in her clear little
+English voice:
+
+"I'm going up-stairs to tell God about that paper-knife. And then I
+shall tell Jesus. And if _that_ doesn't do, I shall put flannel on my
+legs!"
+
+
+During the reconstruction days of Virginia, a negro was convicted of
+murdering his wife and sentenced to be hanged. On the morning of the
+execution he mounted the scaffold with reasonable calmness. Just
+before the noose was to be placed around his neck the sheriff asked
+him if he had anything to say. He studied a moment and said:
+
+"No, suh, boss, thankee, suh, 'ceptin' dis is sho gwine to be a lesson
+to me."
+
+
+"What punishment did that defaulting banker get?" "I understand his
+lawyer charged him $40,000."
+
+
+An Indian in Washington County once sized up Maine's game laws thus:
+"Kill cow moose, pay $100; kill man, too bad!"
+
+
+TEACHER--"Willie, did your father cane you for what you did in school
+yesterday?"
+
+PUPIL--"No, ma'am; he said the licking would hurt him more than it
+would me."
+
+TEACHER--"What rot! Your father is too sympathetic."
+
+PUPIL--"No, ma'am; but he's got the rheumatism in both arms."
+
+
+"Boohoo! Boohoo!" wailed little Johnny.
+
+"Why, what's the matter, dear?" his mother asked comfortingly.
+
+"Boohoo--er--p-picture fell on papa's toes."
+
+"Well, dear, that's too bad, but you mustn't cry about it, you know."
+
+"I d-d-didn't. I laughed. Boohoo! Boohoo!"
+
+
+The fact that corporal punishment is discouraged in the public schools
+of Chicago is what led Bobby's teacher to address this note to the
+boy's mother:
+
+    DEAR MADAM:--I regret very much to have to tell you that your
+    son, Robert, idles away his time, is disobedient, quarrelsome,
+    and disturbs the pupils who are trying to study their lessons.
+    He needs a good whipping and I strongly recommend that you
+    give him one.
+
+    Yours truly,
+
+    Miss Blank.
+
+To this Bobby's mother responded as follows:
+
+    Dear Miss Blanks--Lick him yourself. I ain't mad at him.
+
+    Yours truly,
+
+    Mrs. Dash.
+
+
+A little fellow who was being subjected to a whipping pinched his
+father under the knee. "Willie, you bad boy! How dare you do that?"
+asked the parent wrathfully.
+
+A pause. Then Willie answered between sobs: "Well, Father, who started
+this war, anyway?"
+
+
+A little girl about three years old was sent upstairs and told to sit
+on a certain chair that was in the corner of her room, as a punishment
+for something she had done but a few minutes before.
+
+Soon the silence was broken by the little one's question: "Mother, may
+I come down now?"
+
+"No, you sit right where you are."
+
+"All right, 'cause I'm sittin' on your best hat."
+
+
+It is less to suffer punishment than to deserve it.--_Ovid_.
+
+
+If Jupiter hurled his thunderbolt as often as men sinned, he would
+soon be out of thunderbolts.--_Ovid_.
+
+
+_See also_ Church discipline; Future life; Marriage.
+
+
+
+
+PUNS
+
+
+  A father once said to his son,
+  "The next time you make up a pun,
+    Go out in the yard
+    And kick yourself hard,
+  And I will begin when you've done."
+
+
+
+
+PURE FOOD
+
+
+Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a darky
+complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not good.
+
+"The ham is all right, Zeph," insisted the storekeeper.
+
+"No, it ain't, boss," insisted the negro. "Dat ham's shore bad."
+
+"How can that be," continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured only a
+week?"
+
+The darky scratched his head reflectively, and finally suggested: "Den,
+mebbe it's had a relapse."
+
+
+On a recent trip to Germany, Doctor Harvey Wiley, the pure-food expert,
+heard an allegory with reference to the subject of food adulteration
+which, he contends, should cause Americans to congratulate themselves
+that things are so well ordered in this respect in the United States.
+
+The German allegory was substantially as follows:
+
+Four flies, which had made their way into a certain pantry, determined
+to have a feast.
+
+One flew to the sugar and ate heartily; but soon died, for the sugar was
+full of white lead.
+
+The second chose the flour as his diet, but he fared no better, for the
+flour was loaded with plaster of Paris.
+
+The third sampled the syrup, but his six legs were presently raised in
+the air, for the syrup was colored with aniline dyes.
+
+The fourth fly, seeing all his friends dead, determined to end his life
+also, and drank deeply of the fly-poison which he found in a convenient
+saucer.
+
+He is still alive and in good health. That, too, was adulterated.
+
+
+
+
+QUARRELS
+
+
+"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the would-be
+cook.
+
+"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master an'
+the missus used to quarrel, mum."
+
+"Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?"
+
+"Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."
+
+
+"I hear ye had words with Casey."
+
+"We had no words."
+
+"Then nothing passed between ye?"
+
+"Nothing but one brick."
+
+
+There had been a wordy falling-out between Mrs. Halloran and Mrs.
+Donohue; there had been words; nay, more, there had been language. Mrs.
+Halloran had gone to church early in the morning, had fulfilled the
+duties of her religion, and was returning primly home, when Mrs. Donohue
+spied her, and, still smouldering with volcanic fire, sent a broadside
+of lava at Mrs. Halloran. The latter heard, flushed, opened her
+lips--and then suddenly checked herself. After a moment she spoke: "Mrs.
+Donohue, I've just been to church, and I'm in a state of grace. But,
+plaze Hivin, the next time I meet yez, I won't be, and thin I'll till
+yez what I think of yez!"
+
+
+A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party: there is no
+battle unless there be two.--_Seneca_.
+
+
+_See also_ Marriage; Servants
+
+
+
+
+QUESTIONS
+
+
+The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she
+remembers.--_Wasp_.
+
+
+It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the twelve-twenty
+train got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one. The ensuing
+handicap was watched with absorbed interest both from the train and the
+station platform. At its conclusion the breathless and perspiring knight
+of the road wearily took the back trail, and a vacant-faced "red-cap"
+came out to relieve him of his grip.
+
+"Mister," he inquired, "was you tryin' to ketch that Pennsylvania
+train?"
+
+"No, my son," replied the patient man. "No; I was merely chasing it out
+of the yard."
+
+
+A party of young men were camping, and to avert annoying questions they
+made it a rule that the one who asked a question that he could not
+answer himself had to do the cooking.
+
+One evening, while sitting around the fire, one of the boys asked: "Why
+is it that a ground-squirrel never leaves any dirt at the mouth of its
+burrow?"
+
+They all guessed and missed. So he was asked to answer it himself.
+
+"Why," he said, "because it always begins to dig at the other end of the
+hole."
+
+"But," one asked, "how does it get to the other end of the hole?"
+
+"Well," was the reply, "that's your question."
+
+
+A browbeating lawyer was demanding that a witness answer a certain
+question either in the negative or affirmative.
+
+"I cannot do it," said the witness. "There are some questions that
+cannot be answered by a 'yes' or a 'no,' as any one knows."
+
+"I defy you to give an example to the court," thundered the lawyer.
+
+The retort came like a flash: "Are you still beating your wife?"
+
+
+Officers have a right to ask questions in the performance of their duty,
+but there are occasions when it seems as if they might curtail or forego
+the privilege. Not long ago an Irishman whose hand had been badly
+mangled in an accident entered the Boston City Hospital relief station
+in a great hurry. He stepped up to the man in charge and inquired:
+
+"Is this the relief station, sor?"
+
+"Yes. What is your name?"
+
+"Patrick O'Connor, sor."
+
+"Are you married?" questioned the officer.
+
+"Yis, sor, but is this the relief station?" He was nursing his hand in
+agony.
+
+"Of course it is. How many children have you?"
+
+"Eight, sor. But sure, this is the relief station?"
+
+"Yes, it is," replied the officer, a little angry at the man's
+persistence.
+
+"Well," said Patrick, "sure, an' I was beginning to think that it might
+be the pumping station."
+
+
+  The sages say, Dame Truth delights to dwell
+  (Strange Mansion!) in the bottom of a well:
+  Questions are then the Windlass and the rope
+  That pull the grave old Gentlewoman up.
+
+  --_John Wolcott_.
+
+
+_See also_ Curiosity.
+
+
+
+
+QUOTATIONS
+
+
+Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause to be
+anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to telegraph the
+result. The boy sent the following message to his parent: "Hymn 342,
+fifth verse, last two lines."
+
+Looking it up the father found the words: "Sorrow vanquished, labor
+ended, Jordan passed."
+
+
+
+
+RACE PREJUDICES
+
+
+A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by the
+recital of a dream had by a member of the church.
+
+"I was a-dreamin' all dis time," said the narrator, "dat I was in ole
+Satan's dominions. I tell you, pahson, dat was shore a bad dream!"
+
+"Was dere any white men dere?" asked the dusky divine.
+
+"Shore dere was--plenty of 'em," the other hastened to assure his
+minister "What was dey a-doin'?"
+
+"Ebery one of 'em," was the answer, "was a-holdin' a cullud pusson
+between him an' de fire!"
+
+
+
+
+RACE PRIDE
+
+
+Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in Huntsville,
+Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one of the services an
+old negro woman pushed her way up through the crowd to the edge of the
+pulpit platform. Sam took the perspiring black hand that was held out to
+him, and heard the old woman say: "Brudder Jones, you sho' is a fine
+preacher! Yes, suh; de Lord bless you. You's des everybody's preacher.
+You's de white folks' preacher, and de niggers' preacher, and
+everybody's preacher. Brudder Jones, yo' skin's white, but, thank de
+Lord, yo' heart's des as black as any nigger's!"
+
+
+An Irishman and a Jew were discussing the great men who had belonged to
+each race and, as may be expected, got into a heated argument. Finally
+the Irishman said:
+
+"Ikey, listen. For ivery great Jew ye can name ye may pull out one of me
+whiskers, an' for ivery great Irishman I can name I'll pull one of
+yours. Is it a go?"
+
+They consented, and Pat reached over, got hold of a whisker, said,
+"Robert Emmet,' and pulled.
+
+"Moses!" said the Jew, and pulled one of Pat's tenderest.
+
+"Dan O'Connell," said Pat and took another.
+
+"Abraham," said Ikey, helping himself again.
+
+"Patrick Henry," returned Pat with a vicious yank.
+
+"The Twelve Apostles," said the Jew, taking a handful of whiskers.
+
+Pat emitted a roar of pain, grasped the Jew's beard with both hands, and
+yelled, "The ancient Order of Hibernians!"
+
+
+
+
+RACE SUICIDE
+
+
+"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?"
+
+"Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent me a
+flat."
+
+"Well, that is his privilege."
+
+"But, your Honor, he calls his apartment house 'The Roosevelt.'"
+
+
+
+
+RACES
+
+
+In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of mankind?" a
+Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, the quartermile,
+the mile, and the three miles."
+
+
+"Now, Thomas," said the foreman of the construction gang to a green hand
+who had just been put on the job, "keep your eyes open. When you see a
+train coming throw down your tools and jump off the track. Run like
+blazes."
+
+"Sure!" said Thomas, and began to swing his pick. In a few moments the
+Empire State Express came whirling along. Thomas threw down his pick and
+started up the track ahead of the train as fast as he could run. The
+train overtook him and tossed him into a ditch. Badly shaken up he was
+taken to the hospital, where the foreman visited him.
+
+"You blithering idiot," said the foreman, "didn't I tell you to get out
+of the road? Didn't I tell you to take care and get out of the way? Why
+didn't you run up the side of the hill?"
+
+"Up the soide of the hill is it, sor?" said Thomas through the bandages
+on his face. "Up the soide of the hill? Be the powers, I couldn't bate
+it on the level, let alone runnin' uphill!"
+
+
+
+
+RAILROADS
+
+
+"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey, "des look
+at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de state, ter dem
+folks 'way up North what never done nuthin' ter deserve sich a
+dispensation!"
+
+
+On one of the southern railroads there is a station-building that is
+commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station in America.
+It is of this station that the story is told that an old farmer was
+expecting a chicken-house to arrive there, and he sent one of his hands,
+a new-comer, to fetch it. Arriving there the man saw the house, loaded
+it on to his wagon and started for home. On the way he met a man in
+uniform with the words "Station Agent" on his cap.
+
+"Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?" he asked.
+
+"My chicken-house, of course," was the reply.
+
+"Chicken-house be jiggered!" exploded the official. "That's the
+station!"
+
+
+"I read of the terrible vengeance inflicted upon one of their members by
+a band of robbers in Mississippi last week."
+
+"What did they do? Shoot him?"
+
+"No; they tied him upon the railroad tracks."
+
+"Awful! And he was ground to pieces, I suppose?"
+
+"Nothing like it. The poor fellow starved to death waiting for the next
+train."--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_.
+
+
+The reporter who had accompanied the special train to the scene of the
+wreck, hurried down the embankment and found a man who had one arm in a
+sling, a bandage over one eye, his front teeth gone, and his nose
+knocked four points to starboard, sitting on a piece of the locomotive
+and surveying the horrible ruin all about him.
+
+"Can you give me some particulars of this accident?" asked the reporter,
+taking out his notebook.
+
+"I haven't heard of any accident, young man," replied the disfigured
+party stiffly.
+
+He was one of the directors of the railroad.
+
+
+The Hon. John Sharp Williams had an engagement to speak in a small
+southern town. The train he was traveling on was not of the swiftest,
+and he lost no opportunity of keeping the conductor informed as to his
+opinions of that particular road.
+
+"Well, if yer don't like it," the conductor finally blurted out, "why in
+thunder don't yer git out an' walk?"
+
+"I would," Mr. Williams blandly replied, "but you see the committee
+doesn't expect me until this train gets in."
+
+
+"We were bounding along," said a recent traveler on a local South
+African single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven miles an hour,
+and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected every moment to see
+my bones protruding through my skin. Passengers were rolling from one
+end of the car to the other. I held on firmly to the arms of the seat.
+Presently we settled down a bit quieter; at least, I could keep my hat
+on, and my teeth didn't chatter.
+
+"There was a quiet looking man opposite me. I looked up with a ghastly
+smile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said:
+
+"'We are going a bit smoother, I see.'
+
+"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now.'"
+
+
+Three men were talking in rather a large way as to the excellent train
+service each had in his special locality: one was from the west, one
+from New England, and the other from New York. The former two had told
+of marvelous doings of trains, and it is distinctly "up" to the man from
+New York.
+
+"Now in New York," he said, "we not only run our trains fast, but we
+also start them fast. I remember the case of a friend of mine whose wife
+went to see him off for the west on the Pennsylvania at Jersey City. As
+the train was about to start my friend said his final good-by to his
+wife, and leaned down from the car platform to kiss her. The train
+started, and, would you believe it, my friend found himself kissing a
+strange woman on the platform at Trenton!"
+
+And the other men gave it up.
+
+
+"Say, young man," asked an old lady at the ticket-office, "what time
+does the next train pull in here and how long does it stay?"
+
+"From two to two to two-two," was the curt reply.
+
+"Well, I declare! Be you the whistle?"
+
+
+An express on the Long Island Railroad was tearing away at a wild and
+awe-inspiring rate of six miles an hour, when all of a sudden it stopped
+altogether. Most of the passengers did not notice the difference; but
+one of them happened to be somewhat anxious to reach his destination
+before old age claimed him for its own. He put his head through the
+window to find that the cause of the stop was a cow on the track. After
+a while they continued the journey for half an hour or so, and
+then--another stop.
+
+"What's wrong now?" asked the impatient passenger of the conductor.
+
+"A cow on the track."
+
+"But I thought you drove it off."
+
+"So we did," said the conductor, "but we caught up with it again."
+
+
+The president of one great southern railway pulled into a southern city
+in his private car. It was also the terminal of a competing road, and
+the private car of the president of the other line was on a side track.
+There was great rivalry between these two lines, which extended from the
+president of each down to the most humble employe. In the evening the
+colored cook from one of the cars wandered over to pass the time of day
+with the cook on the other car.
+
+One of these roads had recently had an appalling list of accidents, and
+the death-toll was exceptionally high. The cook from this road sauntered
+up to the back platform of the private car, and after an interchange of
+courtesies said:
+
+"Well, how am youh ole jerkwatah railroad these days? Am you habbing
+prosper's times?"
+
+"Man," said the other, "we-all am so prosperous that if we was any moah
+prosperous we just naturally couldn't stand hit."
+
+"Hough!" said the other, "we-all am moah prosperous than you-all."
+
+"Man," said the other, "we dun carry moah'n a million passengers last
+month."
+
+"Foah de Lord's sake!" ejaculated the first negro. "You-all carried
+moah'n a million passengers? Go on with you, nigger; we dun kill moah
+passengers than you carry."
+
+
+It was on a little branch railway in a southern state that the New
+England woman ventured to refer to the high rates.
+
+"It seems to me five cents a mile is extortion," she said, with
+frankness, to her southern cousin.
+
+"It's a big lot of money to pay if you think of it by the mile," said
+the southerner, in her soft drawl; "but you just think how cheap it is
+by the hour, Cousin Annie--only about thirty-five cents."--_Youth's
+Companion_.
+
+
+
+
+RAPID TRANSIT
+
+
+One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was walking
+down a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of ice under the
+snow caused him to lose control of his feet; he began to slide and was
+unable to stop.
+
+At a cross-street half-way down the decline he encountered a large,
+heavy woman, with her arms full of bundles. The meeting was sudden, and
+before either realized it a collision ensued and both were sliding down
+hill, a grand ensemble--the thin man underneath, the fat woman and
+bundles on top. When the bottom was reached and the woman was trying in
+vain to recover her breath and her feet, these faint words were borne to
+her ear:
+
+"Pardon me, madam, but you will have to get off here. This is as far as
+I go."
+
+
+
+
+READING
+
+
+_See_ Books and Reading.
+
+
+
+
+REAL ESTATE AGENTS
+
+
+Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib."
+
+ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a lie."
+
+NELLY--"No, it is not."
+
+ANITA--"Yes, it is, because my father said so, and my father is a
+professor at the university."
+
+NELLY--"I don't care if he is. My father is a real estate man, and he
+knows more about lying than your father does."
+
+
+
+
+REALISM
+
+
+The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole Olson,
+who later became the little town's mayor.
+
+"One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless, and
+breathless, come rushin' into the store, an' droppin' on his knees
+yelled, 'Yon, Yon, hide me, hide me! Ye sheriff's after me!'
+
+"'I've no place to hide you here, Ole,' said I.
+
+"'You moost, you moost!' screamed Ole.
+
+"'Crawl into that gunny-sack then,' said I.
+
+"He'd no more'n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff.
+
+"'Seen Ole?' said he.
+
+"'Don't see him here,' said I, without lyin'.
+
+"Then the sheriff went a-nosin' round an' pretty soon he spotted the
+gunny-sack over in the corner.
+
+"'What's in here?' said he.
+
+"'Oh, just some old harness and sleigh-bells,' said I.
+
+"With that he gives it an awful boot.
+
+"'Yingle, yingle, yingle!' moaned Ole."
+
+
+MOTHER--"Tommy, if you're pretending to be an automobile, I wish you'd
+run over to the store and get me some butter."
+
+TOMMY--"I'm awful sorry, Mother, but I'm all out of gasoline."--_Judge_.
+
+
+"Children," said the teacher, instructing the class in composition, "you
+should not attempt any flights of fancy; simply be yourselves and write
+what is in you. Do not imitate any other person's writings or draw
+inspiration from outside sources."
+
+As a result of this advice Tommy Wise turned out the following
+composition: "We should not attempt any flights of fancy, but write what
+is in us. In me there is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two apples,
+one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my dinner."
+
+
+"A great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of art,"
+says a New York artist, "and it must be confessed that some ground has
+been given to the enemy. Why, there recently came to my notice a
+picture of an Assyrian bath, done by a Chicago man, and so careful was
+he of all the details that the towels hanging up were all marked
+'Nebuchadnezzar' in the corner, in cuneiform characters."
+
+
+
+
+RECALL
+
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?"
+
+JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum."
+
+
+"Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in Washington for
+six years."
+
+"I don't know about that. My state has the recall."
+
+
+
+
+RECOMMENDATIONS
+
+
+A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In
+acquitting them the court, with great severity, said:
+
+"There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishes
+to know my opinion of you I hope that they will refer to me."
+
+Next day the firm's advertisement appeared in every available medium
+with the following, well displayed: "Reference as to probity, by special
+permission, the Lord Chief Justice of England."
+
+
+MISTRESS--"Have you a reference?"
+
+BRIDGET--"Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got it."
+
+
+There is a story of a Scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his gardener
+for dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wife and family, however, he
+gave him a "character," and framed it in this way: "I hereby certify
+that A. B. has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that
+time he got more out of the garden than any man I ever employed."
+
+
+The buxom maid had been hinting that she did not think much of working
+out, and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of a rather
+sheepish young man caused her mistress much apprehension.
+
+"Martha, is it possible that you are thinking of getting married?"
+
+"Yes'm," admitted Martha, blushing.
+
+"Not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately?"
+
+"Yes'm he's the one."
+
+"But you have only known him a few days."
+
+"Three weeks come Thursday," corrected Martha.
+
+"Do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking such an
+important step?"
+
+"Well," answered Martha with spirit, "'tain't 's if he was some new
+feller. He's well recommended; a perfectly lovely girl I know was
+engaged to him for a long while."
+
+
+An Englishman and an Irishman went to the captain of a ship bound for
+America and asked permission to work their passage over. The captain
+consented, but asked the Irishman for references and let the Englishman
+go on without them. This made the Irishman angry and he planned to get
+even.
+
+One day when they were washing off the deck, the Englishman leaned far
+over the rail, dropped the bucket, and was just about to haul it up when
+a huge wave came and pulled him overboard. The Irishman stopped
+scrubbing, went over to the rail and, seeing the Englishman had
+disappeared, went to the Captain and said: "Perhaps yez remember whin I
+shipped aboard this vessel ye asked me for riferences and let the
+Englishman come on widout thim?"
+
+The Captain said: "Yes, I remember."
+
+"Well, ye've been decaved," said the Irishman; "he's gone off wid yer
+pail!"
+
+
+
+
+RECONCILIATIONS
+
+
+"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing."
+
+"Why don't you make up?"
+
+"I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity."
+
+
+
+
+REFORMERS
+
+
+LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer."
+
+JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_.
+
+
+He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want land
+reform," he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want educational reform,
+I want--"
+
+And said a bored voice in the audience: "Chloroform."
+
+
+The young woman sat before her glass and gazed long and earnestly at the
+reflection there. She screwed up her face in many ways. She fluffed her
+hair and then smoothed it down again; she raised her eyes and lowered
+them; she showed her teeth and she pressed her lips tightly together. At
+last she got up, with a weary sigh, and said:
+
+"It's no use. I'll be some kind of reformer."
+
+
+
+
+REGRETS
+
+
+A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor,
+telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by post."
+
+
+After the death of Lord Houghton, there was found in his correspondence
+the following reply to a dinner invitation: "Mrs. ---- presents her
+compliments to Lord Houghton. Her husband died on Tuesday, otherwise he
+would have been delighted to dine with Lord Houghton on Thursday next."
+
+
+A young woman prominent in the social set of an Ohio town tells of a
+young man there who had not familiarized himself with the forms of
+polite correspondence to the fullest extent. When, on one occasion, he
+found it necessary to decline an invitation, he did so in the following
+terms:
+
+"Mr. Henry Blank declines with pleasure Mrs. Wood's invitation for the
+nineteenth, and thanks her extremely for having given him the
+opportunity of doing so."
+
+
+
+
+REHEARSALS
+
+
+The funeral procession was moving along the village street when Uncle
+Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," said Uncle
+Abe, "who they buryin' today?"
+
+"Pore old Tite Harrison," said the storekeeper.
+
+"Sho," said Uncle Abe. "Tite Harrison, hey? Is Tite dead?"
+
+"You don't think we're rehearsin' with him, do you?" snapped the
+storekeeper.
+
+
+
+
+RELATIVES
+
+
+"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's
+relatives."
+
+"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!"
+
+
+
+
+RELIGIONS
+
+
+When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip to
+Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might discover
+some new religion to bring home with him. "But be careful of it, Bishop
+Brooks," remarked a listening friend; "it may be difficult to get your
+new religion through the Custom House."
+
+"I guess not," replied the Bishop, laughingly, "for we may take it for
+granted that any new religion popular enough to import will have no
+duties attached to it."
+
+
+At a recent conference of Baptists, Methodists, and English Friends, in
+the city of Chengtu, China, two Chinamen were heard discussing the three
+denominations. One of them said to the other:
+
+"They say these denominations have different beliefs. Just what is the
+difference between them?"
+
+"Oh," said the other, "Not much! Big washee, little washee, no washee,
+that is all."
+
+
+A recent book on Russia relates the story of the anger of the Apostle
+John because a certain peasant burned no tapers to his ikon, but
+honored, instead, the ikon of Apostle Peter in St. John's own church.
+The two apostles talked it over as they walked the fields near Kieff,
+and Apostle John decided to send a terrible storm to destroy the just
+ripe corn of the peasant. His decision was carried out, and the next day
+he met Apostle Peter and boasted of his punishing wrath.
+
+And Apostle Peter only laughed. "Ai, yi, yi, Apostle John," he said,
+"what a mess you've made of it. I stepped around, saw my friend, and
+told him what you were going to do, so he sold his corn to the priest of
+your church."
+
+
+The priest of a New York parish met one of his parishioners, who had
+long been out of work, and asked him whether he had found anything to
+do. The man grinned with infinite satisfaction, and replied:
+
+"Yiss indade, ycr Riverince, an' a foine job too! Oi'm gettin' three
+dollars a day fur pullin' down a Prodesant church!"
+
+
+A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one night,
+but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp of a
+policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. I'm a
+somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care what your
+religion is--yer can't walk the streets in yer nightshirt."
+
+
+The friendship existing between Father Kelly and Rabbi Levi is proof
+against differences in race and religion. Each distinguished for his
+learning, his eloquence and his wit; and they delight in chaffing each
+other. They were seated opposite each other at a banquet where some
+delicious roast ham was served and Father Kelly made comments upon its
+flavor. Presently he leaned forward and in a voice that carried far, he
+addressed his friend:
+
+"Rabbi Levi, when are you going to become liberal enough to eat ham?"
+
+"At your wedding, Father Kelly," retorted the rabbi.
+
+
+The broad-minded see the truth in different religions; the narrow-minded
+see only their differences.--_Chinese Proverb_.
+
+
+
+
+REMEDIES
+
+
+MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?"
+
+MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!"
+
+
+SUFFERER--"I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it."
+
+FRIEND--"Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a toothache yesterday
+and I went home and my loving wife kissed me and so consoled me that the
+pain soon passed away. Why don't you try the same?"
+
+SUFFERER--"I think I will. Is your wife at home now?"
+
+
+  For every ill beneath the sun
+  There is some remedy or none;
+  If there be one, resolve to find it;
+  If not, submit, and never mind it.
+
+
+
+
+REMINDERS
+
+
+The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast:
+
+"Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier,
+countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole. You'll be
+sure to remember?"
+
+The tired eyes of the harassed, shabby promoter lit up with joy. He
+seized a skipping rope that lay with a heap of dolls and toys in a
+corner, and going to his wife, he said:
+
+"Here, tie my right hand to my left foot so I won't forget!"
+
+
+
+
+REPARTEE
+
+
+Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next
+morning.
+
+
+Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an
+Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures. The boss, thinking that
+he would get ahead of Pat, said: "Say, Pat, how many shirts can you get
+out of a yard?"
+
+"That depends," answered Pat, "on whose yard you get into."
+
+
+A middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the Grand
+Central Station in New York the other day.
+
+"Young man," he said, plucking his sleeve, "I wanter go to Central
+Park."
+
+The youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment.
+
+"Well," he said finally, "you may just this once. But I don't want you
+ever, _ever_ to ask me again."
+
+
+SEEDY VISITOR--"Do you have many wrecks about here, boatman?"
+
+BOATMAN--"Not very many, sir. You're the first I've seen this season."
+
+
+HER DAD--"No, sir; I won't have my daughter tied for life to a stupid
+fool."
+
+HER SUITOR--"Then don't you think you'd better let me take her off your
+hands?"
+
+
+Wendell Phillips was traveling through Ohio once when he fell in with a
+car full of ministers returning from a convention. One of the ministers,
+a southerner from Kentucky, was naturally not very cordial to the
+opinions of the great abolitionist and set out to embarrass Mr.
+Phillips. So, before the group of ministers, he said:
+
+"You are Wendell Phillips, are you not?"
+
+"Yes," answered the great abolitionist.
+
+"And you are trying to free the niggers, aren't you?"
+
+"Yes, sir; I am."
+
+"Well, why do you preach your doctrines up here? Why don't you go over
+into Kentucky?"
+
+"Excuse me, are you a preacher?"
+
+"I am, sir."
+
+"Are you trying to save souls from hell?"
+
+"Yes, sir; that is my business."
+
+"Well, why don't you go there then?" asked Mr. Phillips.
+
+
+SOLEMN SENIOR--"So your efforts to get on the team were fruitless, were
+they?"
+
+FOOLISH FRESHMAN--"Oh, no! Not at all. They gave me a lemon."--_Harvard
+Lampoon_.
+
+
+A benevolent person watched a workman laboriously windlassing rock from
+a shaft while the broiling sun was beating down on his bare head.
+
+"My dear man," observed the onlooker, "are you not afraid that your
+brain will be affected in the hot sun?"
+
+The laborer contemplated him for a moment and then replied:
+
+"Do you think a man with any brains would be working at this kind of a
+job?"
+
+
+Winston Churchill, the young English statesman, recently began to raise
+a mustache, and while it was still in the budding stage he was asked at
+a dinner party to take in to dinner an English girl who had decided
+opposing political views.
+
+"I am sorry," said Mr. Churchill, "we cannot agree on politics."
+
+"No, we can't," rejoined the girl, "for to be frank with you I like your
+politics about as little as I do your mustache."
+
+"Well," replied Mr. Churchill, "remember that you are not likely to come
+into contact with either."
+
+
+Strickland Gillilan, the lecturer and the man who pole-vaulted into fame
+by his "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in, Finnigin" verses, was about to deliver a
+lecture in a small Missouri town. He asked the chairman of the committee
+whether he might have a small pitcher of ice-water on the platform
+table.
+
+"To drink?" queried the committeeman.
+
+"No," answered Gillilan. "I do a high-diving act."
+
+
+TRAVELER--"Say, boy, your corn looks kind of yellow."
+
+BOY--"Yes, sir. That's the kind we planted."
+
+TRAVELER--"Looks as though you will only have half a crop."
+
+BOY--"Don't expect any more. The landlord gets the other half."
+
+TRAVELER (after a moment's thought)--"Say, there is not much difference
+between you and a fool."
+
+BOY--"No, sir. Only the fence."
+
+
+President Lincoln was busily engaged in his office when an attendant, a
+young man of sixteen, unceremoniously entered and gave him a card.
+Without rising, the President glanced at the card. "Pshaw. She here
+again? I told her last week that I could not interfere in her case. I
+cannot see her," he said impatiently. "Get rid of her any way you can.
+Tell her I am asleep, or anything you like."
+
+Quickly returning to the lady in an adjacent room, this exceedingly
+bright boy said to her, "The President told me to tell you that he is
+asleep."
+
+The lady's eyes sparkled as she responded, "Ah, he says he is asleep,
+eh? Well, will you be kind enough to return and ask him when he intends
+to wake up?"
+
+
+The garrulous old lady in the stern of the boat had pestered the guide
+with her comments and questions ever since they had started. Her meek
+little husband, who was hunched toad-like in the bow, fished in silence.
+The old lady had seemingly exhausted every possible point in fish and
+animal life, woodcraft, and personal history when she suddenly espied
+one of those curious paths of oily, unbroken water frequently seen on
+small lakes which are ruffled by a light breeze.
+
+"Oh, guide, guide," she exclaimed, "what makes that funny streak in the
+water--No, there--Right over there!"
+
+The guide was busy re-baiting the old gentleman's hook and merely
+mumbled "U-m-mm."
+
+"Guide," repeated the old lady in tones that were not to be denied,
+"look right over there where I'm pointing and tell me what makes that
+funny streak in the water."
+
+The guide looked up from his baiting with a sigh.
+
+"That? Oh, that's where the road went across the ice last winter."
+
+
+Nothing more clearly expresses the sentiments of Harvard men in seasons
+of athletic rivalry than the time-honored "To hell with Yale!"
+
+Once when Dean Briggs, of Harvard, and Edward Everett Hale were on their
+way to a game at Soldiers' Field a friend asked:
+
+"Where are you going, Dean?"
+
+"To yell with Hale," answered Briggs with a meaning smile.
+
+
+John Kendrick Bangs one day called up his wife on the telephone. The
+maid at the other end did not recognize her "master's voice," and after
+Bangs had told her whom he wanted the maid asked:
+
+"Do you wish to speak with Mrs. Bangs?"
+
+"No, indeed," replied the humorist; "I want to kiss her."
+
+
+A boy took a position in an office where two different telephones were
+installed.
+
+"Your wife would like to speak to you on the 'phone, sir," he said to
+his employer.
+
+"Which one?" inquired the boss, starting toward the two booths.
+
+"Please, sir, she didn't say, and I didn't know that you had more than
+one."
+
+
+An Englishman was being shown the sights along the Potomac. "Here,"
+remarked the American, "is where George Washington threw a dollar across
+the river."
+
+"Well," replied the Englishman, "that is not very remarkable, for a
+dollar went much further in those days than it does now."
+
+The American would not be worsted, so, after a short pause, he said:
+"But Washington accomplished a greater feat than that. He once chucked a
+sovereign across the Atlantic."
+
+
+Pat was busy on a road working with his coat off. There were two
+Englishmen laboring on the same road, so they decided to have a joke
+with the Irishman. They painted a donkey's head on the back of Pat's
+coat, and watched to see him put it on. Pat, of course, saw the donkey's
+head on his coat, and, turning to the Englishmen, said:
+
+"Which of yez wiped your face on me coat?"
+
+
+A district leader went to Sea Girt, in 1912, to see the Democratic
+candidate for President. In the course of an animated conversation, the
+leader, noticing that Governor Wilson's eyeglasses were perched
+perilously near the tip of his nose remarked: "Your glasses, Governor,
+are almost on your mouth."
+
+"That's all right," was the quick response. "I want to see what I'm
+talking about."
+
+
+According to the London _Globe_ two Germans were halted at the French
+frontier by the customs officers. "We have each to declare three bottles
+of red wine," said one of the Germans to the _douaniers_. "How much to
+pay?"
+
+"Where are the bottles?" asked the customs man.
+
+"They are within!" laughed the Teuton making a gesture.
+
+The French _douanier_, unruffled, took down his tariff book and read, or
+pretended to read: "Wines imported in bottles pay so much, wines
+imported in barrels pay so much, and wines _en peaux d'ane_ pay no duty.
+You can pass, gentlemen."
+
+
+A small boy was hoeing corn in a sterile field by the roadside, when a
+passer-by stopped and said:
+
+"'Pears to me your corn is rather small."
+
+"Certainly," said the boy; "it's dwarf corn."
+
+"But it looks yaller."
+
+"Certainly; we planted the yaller kind."
+
+"But it looks as if you wouldn't get more than half a crop."
+
+"Of course not; we planted it on halves."
+
+
+
+
+REPORTING
+
+
+_See_ Journalism; Newspapers.
+
+
+
+
+REPUBLICAN PARTY
+
+
+The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention in
+Baltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally well-known
+Democrat:
+
+"I understand there were some Republicans at the banquet last night."
+
+"Oh, yes," said the Democrat genially, "one waited on me."
+
+
+
+
+REPUTATION
+
+
+Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they ought
+to, but really can't.--_Frank Richardson_.
+
+
+
+
+RESEMBLANCES
+
+
+Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the local pride
+of one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He also has the
+prejudice against being taken for an Indianian which seems inherent in
+all native-born Kentuckians. While coming to Congress, several sessions
+ago, he was approached in the Pullman coach by a New Yorker, who, after
+bowing politely to him, said:
+
+"Is not this Senator Blackburn of Indiana?"
+
+The Kentuckian sprang from his seat, and glaring at his interlocutor
+exclaimed angrily:
+
+"No, sir, by ----. The reason I look so bad is I have been sick!"
+
+
+"Every time the baby looks into my face he smiles," said Mr. Meekins.
+
+"Well," answered his wife, "it may not be exactly polite, but it shows
+he has a sense of humor."
+
+
+Mark Twain constantly received letters and photographs from men who had
+been told that they looked like him. One was from Florida, and the
+likeness, as shown by the man's picture, was really remarkable so
+remarkable, indeed, that Mr. Clemens sent the following acknowledgment:
+
+    "My Dear Sir: I thank you very much for your letter and the
+    photograph. In my opinion you are certainly more like me than
+    any other of my doubles. In fact, I am sure that if you stood
+    before me in a mirrorless frame I could shave by you."
+
+
+NEIGHBOR: "Johnny, I think in looks you favor your mother a great deal."
+
+JOHNNY: "Well. I may look like her, but do you tink dat's a favor?"
+
+
+
+
+RESIGNATION
+
+
+"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the
+minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting.
+
+"No, sir, I don't," replied the deacon "You've been preachin' on the
+subject of resignation for two years an' ye haven't resigned yet."
+
+
+
+
+RESPECTABILITY
+
+
+"Is he respectable?"'
+
+"Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealing
+a railroad."--_Wasp_.
+
+
+
+
+REST CURE
+
+
+A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair
+of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door in Wyoming
+and asked for light housework. She said that her name was Lizzie, and
+explained that she had been ill with typhoid and was convalescing.
+
+"Where did you come from, Lizzie?" inquired the woman of the house.
+"Where have you been?"
+
+"I've been workin' out on Howell's ranch," replied Lizzie, "diggin'
+post-holes while I was gittin' my strength back."
+
+
+
+
+RETALIATION
+
+
+You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always comin' up
+and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are ye?'"
+
+"I know him."
+
+"I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me--some of them clear
+Havanny--but I'll get even with him now."
+
+"How will you do it?"
+
+"I'll tell ye. Jim always hits me over the vest pocket where I carry my
+cigars. He'll hit me just once more. There's no cigar in me vest pocket
+this mornin'. Instead of it, there's a stick of dynamite, d'ye mind!"
+
+
+Once when Henry Ward Beecher was in the midst of an eloquent political
+speech some wag in the audience crowed like a cock. It was done to
+perfection and the audience was convulsed with laughter. The great
+orator's friends felt uneasy as to his reception of the interruption.
+
+But Mr. Beecher stood perfectly calm. He stopped speaking, listened till
+the crowing ceased, and while the audience was laughing he pulled out
+his watch. Then he said: "That's strange. My watch says it is only ten
+o'clock. But there can't be any mistake about it. It must be morning,
+for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."
+
+
+An Episcopal clergyman, rector of a fashionable church in one of
+Boston's most exclusive suburbs, so as not to be bothered with the
+innumerable telephone calls that fall to one in his profession, had his
+name left out of the telephone book. A prominent merchant of the same
+name, living in the same suburb, was continually annoyed by requests to
+officiate at funerals and baptisms. He went to the rector, told his
+troubles in a kindly way, and asked the parson to have his name put in
+the directory. But without success.
+
+The merchant then determined to complain to the telephone company. As he
+was writing the letter, one Saturday evening, the telephone rang and the
+timid voice of a young man asked if the Rev. Mr. Blank would marry him
+at once. A happy thought came to the merchant: "No, I'm too damn busy
+writing my sermon," he replied.
+
+
+
+REVOLUTIONS
+
+
+Haiti was in the midst of a revolution.
+
+As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that a
+third was about to be caught between them.
+
+The commander of the third party saw the predicament. On the right
+government troops, on the left insurgents.
+
+"General, why do you not give the order to fire?" asked an aide, dashing
+up on a lame mule.
+
+"I would like to," responded the general, "but, Great Scott! I can't
+remember which side we're fighting for."
+
+
+
+
+REWARDS
+
+
+  Said a great Congregational preacher
+  To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature."
+    And the hen, just for that,
+    Laid an egg in his hat,
+  And thus did the Hen reward Beecher.
+
+
+
+
+RHEUMATISM
+
+
+FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going
+to rain, ye know."
+
+MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o'
+such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatis
+for?"--_Tit-Bits_.
+
+
+
+
+ROADS
+
+
+A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, and
+the latter complained of the mud in America.
+
+"Yes," said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over here."
+
+"Nonsense!" said the Englishman.
+
+"Fact," the American replied. "Why, this afternoon I had a remarkable
+adventure--came near getting into trouble with an old gentleman--all
+through your confounded mud."
+
+"Some of the streets are a little greasy at this season, I admit," said
+the Englishman. "What was your adventure, though?"
+
+"Well," said the American, "as I was walking along I noticed that the
+mud was very thick, and presently I saw a high hat afloat on a large
+puddle of very rich ooze. Thinking to do some one a kindness, I gave the
+hat a poke with my stick, when an old gentleman looked up from beneath,
+surprised and frowning. 'Hello!' I said. 'You're in pretty deep!'
+'Deeper than you think,' he said. 'I'm on the top of an omnibus!'"
+
+
+
+
+ROASTS
+
+
+As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel he
+was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of the meal,
+stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching Faversham
+eat. At length, unable to endure it any longer, Mr. Faversham rang the
+bell and said:
+
+"Waiter, kindly turn that gentleman around. I think he is done on that
+side."
+
+
+
+
+ROOSEVELT, THEODORE
+
+
+A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay some
+years ago, while he was president. The host met them with coat and
+collar off, mopping his brow.
+
+"Ah, gentlemen," he said, "dee-lighted to see you. Dee-lighted. But I'm
+very busy putting in my hay just now. Come down to the barn with me and
+we'll talk things over while I work."
+
+Down to the barn hustled President and delegation.
+
+Mr. Roosevelt seized a pitchfork and--but where was the hay?
+
+"John!" shouted the President. "John! where's all the hay?"
+
+"Sorry, sir," came John's voice from the loft, "but I ain't had time to
+throw it back since you threw it up for yesterday's delegation."
+
+
+
+
+SALARIES
+
+
+A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. The
+teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, "I hope
+you're not afraid of microbes."
+
+"Not a bit of it," the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe could
+live on my salary!"--_Frances Kirkland_.
+
+
+
+
+SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
+
+
+A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that reads:
+
+
+    Watermelons
+
+  Our choice    25 cents.
+
+  Your choice   35 cents.
+
+--_Elgin Burroughs_.
+
+
+The quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a well-known
+merchant was severely tested one day. He sent in his card by the
+office-boy to the manager of a large concern, whose inner office was
+separated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass partition. When the
+boy handed his card to the manager the salesman saw him impatiently tear
+it in half and throw it in the waste-basket; the boy came out and told
+the caller that he could not see the chief. The salesman told the boy to
+go back and get him his card; the boy brought out five cents, with the
+message that his card was torn up. Then the salesman took out another
+card and sent the boy back, saying: "Tell your boss I sell two cards for
+five cents."
+
+He got his interview and sold a large bill of goods.
+
+
+A young man entered a hat store and asked to see the latest styles in
+derbies. He was evidently hard to please, for soon the counter was
+covered with hats that he had tried on and found wanting. At last the
+salesman picked up a brown derby, brushed it off on his sleeve, and
+extended it admiringly.
+
+"These are being very much worn this season, sir," he said. "Won't you
+try it on?"
+
+The customer put the hat on and surveyed himself critically in the
+mirror. "You're sure it's in style?"
+
+"The most fashionable thing we have in the shop, sir. And it suits you
+to perfection--if the fit's right."
+
+"Yes, it fits very well. So you think I had better have it?"
+
+"I don't think you could do better."
+
+"No, I don't think I could. So I guess I won't buy a new one after all."
+
+The salesman had been boosting the customer's old hat, which had become
+mixed among the many new ones.
+
+
+VISITOR--"Can I see that motorist who was brought here an hour ago?"
+
+NURSE--"He hasn't come to his senses yet."
+
+VISITOR--"Oh, that's all right. I only want to sell him another
+car."--_Judge_.
+
+
+"That fellow is too slick for me. Sold me a lot that was two feet under
+water. I went around to demand my money back."
+
+"Get it?"
+
+"Get nothing! Then he sold me a second-hand gasoline launch and a copy
+of 'Venetian Life,' by W.D. Howells."
+
+
+In a small South Carolina town that was "finished" before the war, two
+men were playing checkers in the back of a store. A traveling man who
+was making his first trip to the town was watching the game, and, not
+being acquainted with the business methods of the citizens, he called
+the attention of the owner of the store to some customers who had just
+entered the front door.
+
+"Sh! Sh!" answered the storekeeper, making another move on the
+checkerboard. "Keep perfectly quiet and they'll go out."
+
+
+  He who finds he has something to sell,
+  And goes and whispers it down a well,
+  Is not so apt to collar the dollars,
+  As he who climbs a tree and hollers.
+
+  --_The Advertiser_
+
+
+
+
+SALOONS
+
+
+"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who landed
+at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the 'bus driver.
+
+"See that millinery shop over there?" asked the driver, pointing to a
+building near the depot.
+
+"You don't mean to say they sell whiskey in a millinery store?"
+exclaimed the drummer.
+
+"No, I mean that's the only place here they don't sell it," said the
+'bus man.
+
+
+
+
+SALVATION
+
+
+WILLIS--"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buy
+their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church when they
+die."
+
+GILLIS--"I don't know but that they stand as much chance as some of
+these other rich fellows who are trying to get in on the instalment plan
+of ten cents a Sunday while they're living."--_Lauren S. Hamilton_.
+
+
+An Italian noble at church one day gave a priest who begged for the
+souls in purgatory, a piece of gold.
+
+"Ah, my lord," said the good father, "you have now delivered a soul."
+
+The count threw another piece upon the plate.
+
+"Here is another soul delivered," said the priest.
+
+"Are you positive of it?" replied the count.
+
+"Yes, my lord," replied the priest; "I am certain they are now in
+heaven."
+
+"Then," said the count, "I'll take back my money, for it signifies
+nothing to you now, seeing the souls have already got to heaven."
+
+
+An Episcopal missionary in Wyoming visited one of the outlying districts
+in his territory for the purpose of conducting prayer in the home of a
+large family not conspicuous for its piety. He made known his intentions
+to the woman of the house, and she murmured vaguely that "she'd go out
+and see." She was long in returning, and after a tiresome wait the
+missionary went to the door and called with some impatience:
+
+"Aren't you coming in? Don't you care anything about your souls?"
+
+"Souls?" yelled the head of the family from the orchard. "We haven't got
+time to fool with our souls when the bees are swarmin'."
+
+
+Edith was light-hearted and merry over everything. Nothing appealed to
+her seriously. So, one day, her mother decided to invite a very serious
+young parson to dinner, and he was placed next the light-hearted girl.
+Everything went well until she asked him:
+
+"You speak of everybody having a mission. What is yours?"
+
+"My mission," said the parson, "is to save young men."
+
+"Good," replied the girl, "I'm glad to meet you. I wish you'd save one
+for me."
+
+
+
+
+SAVING
+
+
+Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by your
+heirs.--_Puck_.
+
+
+"Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?"
+
+"Oh, no! I never shop when it rains."
+
+
+JOHNNY--"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?"
+
+PAPA--"Certainly, my son."
+
+JOHNNY--"Well, I saved it for you, all right. You said if I brought a
+first-class report from my teacher this week you would give me a dollar,
+and I didn't bring it."
+
+
+According to the following story, economy has its pains as well as its
+pleasures, even after the saving is done.
+
+One spring, for some reason, old Eli was going round town with the face
+of dissatisfaction, and, when questioned, poured forth his voluble tale
+of woe thus:
+
+"Marse Geo'ge, he come to me last fall an' he say, 'Eli, dis gwine ter
+be a hard winter, so yo' be keerful, an' save yo' wages fas' an' tight.'
+
+"An' I b'lieve Marse Geo'ge, yas, sah, I b'lieve him, an' I save an' I
+save, an' when de winter come it ain't got no hardship, an' dere was I
+wid all dat money jes' frown on mah hands!"
+
+
+"Robert dear," said the coy little maiden to her sweetheart, "I'm sure
+you love me; but give me some proof of it, darling. We can't marry on
+fifteen dollars a week, you know."
+
+"Well, what do you want me to do?" said he, with a grieved air.
+
+"Why, save up a thousand dollars, and have it safe in the bank, and then
+I'll marry you."
+
+About two months later she cuddled up close to him on the sofa one
+evening, and said:
+
+"Robert dear, have you saved up that thousand yet?"
+
+"Why, no, my love," he replied; "not all of it."
+
+"How much have you saved, darling?"
+
+"Just two dollars and thirty-five cents, dear."
+
+"Oh, well," said the sweet young thing as she snuggled a little closer,
+"don't let's wait any longer, darling. I guess that'll do."--_R.M.
+Winans_.
+
+
+_See_ also Economy; Thrift.
+
+
+
+
+SCANDAL
+
+
+An ill wind that blows nobody good.
+
+
+
+
+SCHOLARSHIP
+
+
+There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated from
+Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first term, he
+exulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his class. But the
+old gentleman was not satisfied.
+
+"_Next_ to the head!" he exclaimed. "What do you mean? I'd like to know
+what you think I'm sending you to college for? _Next_ to the head! Why
+aren't you at the head, where you ought to be?"
+
+At this the son was much crestfallen; but upon his return, he went about
+his work with such ambition that at the end of the term he found himself
+in the coveted place. When he went home that year he felt very proud. It
+would be great news for the old man.
+
+When the announcement was made, the father contemplated his son for a
+few minutes in silence; then, with a shrug, he remarked:
+
+"At the head of the class, eh? Well, that's a fine commentary on Yale
+University!"--_Howard Morse_.
+
+
+"Well, there were only three boys in school to-day who could answer one
+question that the teacher asked us," said a proud boy of eight.
+
+"And I hope my boy was one of the three," said the proud mother.
+
+"Well, I was," answered Young Hopeful, "and Sam Harris and Harry Stone
+were the other two."
+
+"I am very glad you proved yourself so good a scholar, my son; it makes
+your mother proud of you. What question did the teacher ask, Johnnie?"
+
+"'Who broke the glass in the back window?'"
+
+
+Sammy's mother was greatly distressed because he had such poor marks in
+his school work. She scolded, coaxed, even promised him a dime if he
+would do better. The next day he came running home.
+
+"Oh, mother," he shouted, "I got a hundred!"
+
+"And what did you get a hundred in?"
+
+"In two things," replied Sammy without hesitation. "I got forty in
+readin' and sixty in spellin'."
+
+
+Who ceases to be a student has never been one.--_George Iles_.
+
+
+_See also_ College students.
+
+
+
+
+SCHOOLS
+
+
+"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well." "That's too
+bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you feel worst?"
+
+"In school, mamma."
+
+
+
+
+SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT
+
+
+The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in railroad
+enterprise in Central America, was seeking local support for a road and
+attempted to give the matter point. He asked a native:
+
+"How long does it take you to carry your goods to market by muleback?"
+
+"Three days," was the reply.
+
+"There's the point," said Miller. "With our road in operation you could
+take your goods to market and be back home in one day."
+
+"Very good, senor," answered the native. "But what would we do with the
+other two days?"
+
+
+A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during the
+afternoon:
+
+"By the way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could do to
+get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or something."
+
+"Oh, no," replied the owner "Oh, no, that's all right."
+
+"Why is it?" asked the visitor.
+
+"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate pumps
+two buckets of water into the tank on the roof."
+
+
+
+
+SCOTCH, THE
+
+
+A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on his
+neighbors on week days.
+
+
+It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in Missouri so
+divided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a single man
+prohibits the sale of liquor there. "And what," he asked, "do you
+suppose is the name of the chap who keeps a whole county dry?"
+
+Nobody had an idea.
+
+"Mackintosh, as I'm alive!" declared the southerner.
+
+Everybody laughed except the Englishman. "It's just like a Scotsman to
+be so obstinate!" he sniffed, and was much astonished when the rest of
+the party laughed more than ever.
+
+
+A Scottish minister, taking his walk early in the morning, found one of
+his parishioners recumbent in a ditch.
+
+"Where hae you been the nicht, Andrew?" asked the minister.
+
+"Weel, I dinna richtly ken," answered the prostrate one, "whether it was
+a wedding' or a funeral, but whichever it was it was a most
+extraordinary success."
+
+
+_See also_ Thrift.
+
+
+
+
+SEASICKNESS
+
+
+A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing seasickness for
+the first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he said in a weak
+voice: "Jennie, my will is in the Commercial Trust Company's care.
+Everything is left to you, dear. My various stocks you will find in my
+safe-deposit box." Then he said fervently: "And, Jenny, bury me on the
+other side. I can't stand this trip again, alive or dead."--_Joe King_.
+
+
+Motto for the dining saloon of an ocean steamship: "Man wants but little
+here below, nor wants that little long."
+
+
+On the steamer the little bride was very much concerned about her
+husband, who was troubled with dyspepsia.
+
+"My husband is peculiarly liable to seasickness, Captain," remarked the
+bride. "Could you tell him what to do in case of an attack?"
+
+"That won't be necessary, Madam," replied the Captain; "he'll do it."
+
+
+A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental winter
+resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable, of the
+unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he asked.
+
+A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held up his
+hand. "He is a man, sir," he replied, with a reminiscent look on his
+face, "who brings you a basin."
+
+
+"The first day out was perfectly lovely," said the young lady just back
+from abroad. "The water was as smooth as glass, and it was simply
+gorgeous. But the second day was rough and--er--decidedly disgorgeous."
+
+
+The great ocean liner rolled and pitched.
+
+"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?"
+
+"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer.
+
+Then there was an eloquent silence.
+
+"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away, "I thought
+that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!"
+
+
+  There was a young man from Ostend,
+  Who vowed he'd hold out to the end;
+    But when half way over
+    From Calais to Dover,
+  He did what he didn't intend.
+
+
+
+
+SEASONS
+
+
+  There was a young fellow named Hall,
+  Who fell in the spring in the fall;
+    'Twould have been a sad thing
+    If he'd died in the spring,
+  But he didn't--he died in the fall.
+
+
+
+
+SENATORS
+
+
+A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to something
+worse.
+
+
+"You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you not?"
+said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions.
+
+"Yes, miss," answered Senator Sorghum, blandly; "I think I have
+participated in some of the richest hauls that legislation ever made."
+
+
+An aviator alighted on a field and said to a rather well-dressed
+individual: "Here, mind my machine a minute, will you?"
+
+"What?" the well-dressed individual snarled. "Me mind your machine? Why,
+I'm a United States Senator!"
+
+"Well, what of it?" said the aviator. "I'll trust you."
+
+
+
+
+SENSE OF HUMOR
+
+
+  "What of his sense of humor?"
+  "Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once."
+
+  --_Richard Kirk_.
+
+
+"A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life," says Rear
+Admiral Buhler. "But even a sense of humor may exist in excess. I have
+in mind the case of a British soldier who was sentenced to be flogged.
+During the flogging he laughed continually. The harder the lash was laid
+on, the harder the soldier laughed.
+
+"'Wot's so funny about bein' flogged?' demanded the sergeant.
+
+"'Why,' the soldier chuckled, 'I'm the wrong man.'"
+
+
+Mark Twain once approached a friend, a business man, and confided to him
+that he needed the assistance of a stenographer.
+
+"I can send you one, a fine young fellow," the friend said, "He came to
+my office yesterday in search of a position, but I didn't have an
+opening."
+
+"Has he a sense of humor?" Mark asked cautiously.
+
+"A sense of humor? He has--in fact, he got off one or two pretty witty
+things himself yesterday," the friend hastened to assure him.
+
+"Sorry, but he won't do, then," Mark said.
+
+"Won't do? Why?"
+
+"No," said Mark. "I had one once before with a sense of humor, and it
+interfered too much with the work. I cannot afford to pay a man two
+dollars a day for laughing."
+
+
+The perception of the ludicrous is a pledge of sanity.--_Emerson_.
+
+
+
+
+SENTRIES
+
+
+_See_ Armies.
+
+
+
+
+SERMONS
+
+
+_See_ Preaching.
+
+
+
+
+SERVANTS
+
+
+TOMMY--"Pop, what is it that the Bible says is here to-day and gone
+to-morrow?"
+
+POP--"Probably the cook, my son."
+
+
+As usual, they began discussing the play after the theater. "Well, how
+did you like the piece, my dear?" asked the fond husband who had always
+found his wife a good critic.
+
+"Very much. There's only one improbable thing in it: the second act
+takes place two years after the first, and they have the same servant."
+
+
+SMITH--"We are certainly in luck with our new cook--soup, meat,
+vegetables and dessert, everything perfect!"
+
+MRS. S.--"Yes, but the dessert was made by her successor."
+
+
+THE NEW GIRL--"An' may me intended visit me every Sunday afternoon,
+ma'am?"
+
+MISTRESS--"Who is your intended, Delia?"
+
+THE NEW GIRL--"I don't know yet, ma'am. I'm a stranger in town."
+
+
+"And do you have to be called in the morning?" asked the lady who was
+about to engage a new girl.
+
+"I don't has to be, mum," replied the applicant, "unless you happens to
+need me."
+
+
+A maid dropped and broke a beautiful platter at a dinner recently. The
+host did not permit a trifle like this to ruffle him in the least.
+
+"These little accidents happen 'most every day," he said apologetically.
+"You see, she isn't a trained waitress. She was a dairymaid originally,
+but she had to abandon that occupation on account of her inability to
+handle the cows without breaking their horns."
+
+
+Young housewives obliged to practice strict economy will sympathize with
+the sad experience of a Washington woman.
+
+When her husband returned home one evening he found her dissolved in
+tears, and careful questioning elicited the reason for her grief.
+
+"Dan," said she, "every day this week I have stopped to look at a
+perfect love of a hat in Mme. Louise's window. Such a hat, Dan, such a
+beautiful hat! But the price--well, I wanted it the worst way, but just
+couldn't afford to buy it."
+
+"Well, dear," began the husband recklessly, "we might manage to--"
+
+"Thank you, Dan," interrupted the wife, "but there isn't any 'might'
+about it. I paid the cook this noon, and what do you think? She marched
+right down herself and bought that hat!"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
+
+
+It is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the sentiment
+good-naturedly expressed by a Scandinavian servant, recently taken into
+the service of a young matron of Chicago.
+
+The youthful assumer of household cares was disposed to be a trifle
+patronizing.
+
+"Now, Lena," she asked earnestly, "are you a _good_ cook?"
+
+"Ya-as, 'm, I tank so," said the girl, with perfect naivete, "if you
+vill not try to help me."--_Elgin Burroughs_.
+
+"Have you a good cook now?"
+
+"I don't know. I haven't been home since breakfast!"
+
+
+MRS. LITTLETOWN--"This magazine looks rather the worse for wear."
+
+MRS. NEARTOWN--"Yes, it's the one I sometimes lend to the servant on
+Sundays."
+
+MRS. LITTLETOWN--"Doesn't she get tired of always reading the same one?"
+
+MRS. NEARTOWN--"Oh, no. You see, it's the same book, but it's always a
+different servant."--_Suburban Life_.
+
+
+MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"What is your name?"
+
+APPLICANT FOR COOKSHIP--"Miss Arlington."
+
+MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"Do you expect to be called Miss Arlington?"
+
+APPLICANT---"No, ma'am; not if you have an alarm clock in my room."
+
+
+MISTRESS--"Nora, I saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss a baby. I
+hope you will remember my objection to such things."
+
+NORA--"Sure, ma'am, no policeman would ever think iv kissin' yer baby
+whin I'm around."
+
+_See also_ Gratitude; Recommendations.
+
+
+
+
+SHOPPING
+
+
+CLERK--"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife wants me to go
+shopping with her."
+
+EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much too busy."
+
+CLERK--"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!"
+
+
+
+
+SHYNESS
+
+
+The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story on
+himself to some friends:
+
+"I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I went into
+the library to do some literary work. I was very busy and looked so, I
+suppose. I had no sooner started to write than a diffident-looking young
+man plumped into the chair opposite me, began twirling his cap and
+stared at me. I let him sit there. An hour or more passed, and he was
+still there, returning my occasional and discouraging glances at him
+with a foolish, ingratiating smile. I was inclined to be annoyed. I had
+a suspicion that he was a reader of my books, perhaps an admirer--or an
+autograph-hunter. He could wait. But at last he rose, and still twirling
+his cap, he spoke:
+
+"'Excuse me, Doctor Watson; I'm getting deathly sick in here and I'm
+real sorry to disturb you, but I thought you'd like to know that just as
+soon as you left her Mrs. Watson fell down the companionway stairs, and
+I guess she hurt herself pretty badly.'"
+
+
+
+
+SIGNS
+
+
+When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his brother
+opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of "Ed. Wolcott
+& Bro." Later the partnership was dissolved. The future senator packed
+his few assets, including the sign that had hung outside of his office,
+upon a burro and started for Georgetown, a mining town farther up in the
+hills. Upon his arrival he was greeted by a crowd of miners who
+critically surveyed him and his outfit. One of them, looking first at
+the sign that hung over the pack, then at Wolcott, and finally at the
+donkey, ventured:
+
+"Say, stranger, which of you is Ed?"
+
+
+"Buck" Kilgore, of Texas, who once kicked open the door of the House of
+Representatives when Speaker Reed had all doors locked to prevent the
+minority from leaving the floor and thus escaping a vote, was noted for
+his indifference to forms and rules. Speaker Reed, annoyed by members
+bringing lighted cigars upon the floor of the House just before opening
+time, had signs conspicuously posted as follows: "No smoking on the
+floor of the House." One day just before convening the House his eagle
+eye detected Kilgore nonchalantly puffing away at a fat cigar. Calling a
+page, he told him to give his compliments to the gentleman from Texas
+and ask him if he had not seen the signs. After a while the page
+returned and seated himself without reporting to the Speaker, and Mr.
+Reed was irritated to see the gentleman from Texas continue his smoke.
+With a frown he summoned the page and asked:
+
+"Did you tell the gentleman from Texas what I said?"
+
+"I did," replied the page.
+
+"What did he say?" asked Reed.
+
+"Well--er," stammered the page, "he said to give his compliments to you
+and tell you he did not believe in signs."
+
+
+
+
+SILENCE
+
+
+A conversation with an Englishman.--_Heine_.
+
+
+BALL-"What is silence?"
+
+HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience."
+
+
+The other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was playing a
+closely contested game of golf. He carefully teed up his ball and
+addressed it with the most aproved grace; he raised his driver and hit
+the ball a tremendous clip, but instead of soaring into the azure it
+perversely went about twelve feet to the right and then buzzed around in
+a circle. The clerical gentleman frowned, scowled, pursed up his mouth
+and bit his lips, but said nothing, and a friend who stood by him said:
+"Doctor, that is the most profane silence I ever witnessed."
+
+
+
+
+SIN
+
+
+  Man-like is it to fall into sin,
+  Fiend-like is it to dwell therein,
+  Christ-like is it for sin to grieve,
+  God-like is it all sin to leave.
+
+  --_Friedrich von Logan_.
+
+
+"Now," said the clergyman to the Sunday-school class, "can any of you
+tell me what are sins of omission?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said the small boy. "They are the sins we ought to have done
+and haven't."
+
+
+
+
+SINGERS
+
+
+As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Johnnie became greatly
+exercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra conductor.
+
+"What's that man shaking his stick at her for?" he demanded indignantly.
+
+"Sh-h! He's not shaking his stick at her."
+
+But Johnny was not convinced.
+
+"Then what in thunder's she hollering for?"
+
+
+A visiting clergyman was occupying a pulpit in St. Louis one Sunday when
+it was the turn of the bass to sing a solo, which he did very badly, to
+the annoyance of the preacher, a lover of music. When the singer fell
+back in his seat, red of face and exhausted, the clergyman arose, placed
+his hands on the unopened Bible, deliberately surveyed the faces of the
+congregation, and announced the text:
+
+"And the wind ceased and there was a great calm."
+
+It wasn't the text he had chosen, but it fitted his sermon as well as
+the occasion.
+
+
+One cold, wet, and windy night he came upon a negro shivering in the
+doorway of an Atlanta store. Wondering what the darky could be doing,
+standing on a cold, wet night in such a draughty position, the
+proprietor of the shop said:
+
+"Jim, what are you doing here?"
+
+"'Sense me, sir," said Jim, "but I'm gwine to sing bass tomorrow mornin'
+at church, an' I am tryin' to ketch a cold."--_Howard Morse_.
+
+
+"The man who sings all day at work is a happy man."
+
+"Yes, but how about the man who works and has to listen to him?" Miss
+Jeanette Gilder was one of the ardent enthusiasts at the debut of
+Tetrazzini. After the first act she rushed to the back of the house to
+greet one of her friends. "Don't you think she is a wonder?" she asked
+excitedly.
+
+"She is a great singer unquestionably," responded her more phlegmatic
+friend, "but the registers of her voice are not so even as, for
+instance, Melba's."
+
+"Oh, bother Melba," said Miss Gilder. "Tetrazzini gives infinitely more
+heat from her registers."
+
+
+At a certain Scottish dinner it was found that every one had contributed
+to the evening's entertainment but a certain Doctor MacDonald.
+
+"Come, come, Doctor MacDonald," said the chairman, "we cannot let you
+escape."
+
+The doctor protested that he could not sing.
+
+"My voice is altogether unmusical, and resembles the sound caused by the
+act of rubbing a brick along the panels of a door."
+
+The company attributed this to the doctor's modesty. Good singers, he
+was reminded, always needed a lot of pressing.
+
+"Very well," said the doctor, "if you can stand it I will sing."
+
+Long before he had finished his audience was uneasy.
+
+There was a painful silence as the doctor sat down, broken at length by
+the voice of a braw Scot at the end of the table.
+
+"Mon," he exclaimed, "your singin's no up to much, but your veracity's
+just awful. You're richt aboot that brick."
+
+
+  She smiles, my darling smiles, and all
+    The world is filled with light;
+  She laughs--'tis like the bird's sweet call,
+    In meadows fair and bright.
+  She weeps--the world is cold and gray,
+    Rain-clouds shut out the view;
+  She sings--I softly steal away
+    And wait till she gets through.
+
+
+  God sent his singers upon earth
+  With songs of gladness and of mirth,
+  That they might touch the hearts of men,
+  And bring them back to heaven again.
+
+  --_Longfellow_.
+
+
+
+
+SKATING
+
+
+A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung over her
+arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat.
+
+"Thank you very much, sir," she said, "but I've been skating all
+afternoon, and I'm tired of sitting down."
+
+
+
+
+SKY-SCRAPERS
+
+
+_See_ Buildings.
+
+
+
+
+SLEEP
+
+Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from insomnia
+told me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink two or three
+glasses of milk before going to bed," said he, "and I'll warrant you'll
+be asleep within half an hour." I did as he suggested, and now for the
+benefit of others who may be afflicted with insomnia, I feel it my duty
+to report what happened, so far as I am able to recall the details.
+
+First, let me say my friend was right. I did go to sleep very soon after
+my retirement. Then a friend with his head under his arm came along and
+asked me if I wanted to buy his feet. I was negotiating with him, when
+the dragon on which I was riding slipped out of his skin and left me
+floating in mid-air. While I was considering how I should get down, a
+bull with two heads peered over the edge of the wall and said he would
+haul me up if I would first climb up and rig a windlass for him. So as I
+was sliding down the mountainside the brakeman came in, and I asked him
+when the train would reach my station.
+
+"We passed your station four hundred years ago," he said, calmly folding
+the train up and slipping it into his vest pocket.
+
+At this juncture the clown bounded into the ring and pulled the
+center-pole out of the ground, lifting the tent and all the people in it
+up, up, while I stood on the earth below watching myself go out of sight
+among the clouds above. Then I awoke, and found I had been asleep almost
+ten minutes.--_The Good Health Clinic_.
+
+
+
+
+SMILES
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Niger,
+  Who went for a ride on a tiger;
+    They returned from the ride
+    With the lady inside,
+  And a smile on the face of the tiger.
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+
+
+SMOKING
+
+A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.--_Rudyard
+Kipling_.
+
+
+AUNT MARY--(horrified) "Good gracious. Harold, what would your mother
+say if she saw you smoking cigarets?" HAROLD (calmly)--"She'd have a
+fit. They're her cigarets."
+
+
+An Irish soldier on sentry duty had orders to allow no one to smoke near
+his post. An officer with a lighted cigar approached whereupon Pat
+boldly challenged him and ordered him to put it out at once.
+
+The officer with a gesture of disgust threw away his cigar, but no
+sooner was his back turned than Pat picked it up and quietly retired to
+the sentry box.
+
+The officer happening to look around, observed a beautiful cloud of
+smoke issuing from the box. He at once challenged Pat for smoking on
+duty.
+
+"Smoking, is it, sor? Bedad, and I'm only keeping it lit to show the
+corporal when he comes as evidence agin you."
+
+
+
+
+SNEEZING
+
+
+While campaigning in Iowa Speaker Cannon was once inveigled into
+visiting the public schools of a town where he was billed to speak. In
+one of the lower grades an ambitious teacher called upon a youthful
+Demosthenes to entertain the distinguished visitor with an exhibition of
+amateur oratory. The selection attempted was Byron's "Battle of
+Waterloo," and just as the boy reached the end of the first paragraph
+Speaker Cannon gave vent to a violent sneeze. "But, hush! hark!"
+declaimed the youngster; "a deep sound strikes like a rising knell! Did
+ye not hear it?"
+
+The visitors smiled and a moment later the second sneeze--which the
+Speaker was vainly trying to hold back--came with increased violence.
+
+"But, hark!" bawled the boy, "that heavy sound breaks in once more, and
+nearer, clearer, deadlier than before! Arm! arm! it is--it is--the
+cannon's opening roar!"
+
+This was too much, and the laugh that broke from the party swelled to a
+roar when "Uncle Joe" chuckled: "Put up yout weapons, children; I won't
+shoot any more."
+
+
+
+
+SNOBBERY
+
+
+Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position.
+
+
+
+
+SNORING
+
+
+Snore--An unfavorable report from headquarters.--_Foolish Dictionary_.
+
+
+
+
+SOCIALISTS
+
+
+Among the stories told of the late Baron de Rothschild is one which
+details how a "change of heart" once came to his valet--an excellent
+fellow, albeit a violent "red."
+
+Alphonse was as good a servant as one would wish to employ, and as his
+socialism never got farther than attending a weekly meeting, the baron
+never objected to his political faith. After a few months of these
+permissions to absent himself from duty, his employer noticed one week
+that he did not ask to go. The baron thought Alphonse might have
+forgotten the night, but when the next week he stayed at home, he
+inquired what was up.
+
+"Sir," said the valet, with the utmost dignity, "some of my former
+colleagues have worked out a calculation that if all the wealth in
+France were divided equally per capita, each individual would be the
+possessor of two thousand francs."
+
+Then he stopped as if that told the whole story, so said the baron,
+"What of that?"
+
+"Sir," came back from the enlightened Alphonse, "I have five thousand
+francs now."--_Warwick James Price_.
+
+
+
+
+SOCIETY
+
+
+Smart Society is made up of the worldly, the fleshy, and the
+devilish.--_Harold Melbourne_.
+
+
+"What are her days at home?"
+
+"Oh, a society leader has no days at home anymore. Nowadays she has her
+telephone hours."
+
+
+Society consists of two classes, the upper and the lower. The latter
+cultivates the dignity of labor, the former the labor of
+dignity.--_Punch_.
+
+
+  There was a young person called Smarty,
+  Who sent out his cards for a party;
+    So exclusive and few
+    Were the friends that he knew
+  That no one was present but Smarty.
+
+
+
+
+SOLECISMS
+
+
+A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a
+large building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth floor."
+
+
+Reporters are obliged to write their descriptions of accidents hastily
+and often from meager data, and in the attempt to make them vivid they
+sometimes make them ridiculous; for example, a New York City paper a few
+days ago, in describing a collision between a train and a motor bus,
+said: "The train, too, was filled with passengers. Their shrieks mingled
+with the _cries of the dead_ and the dying of the bus!"
+
+
+
+
+SONS
+
+
+"I thought your father looked very handsome with his gray hairs."
+
+"Yes, dear old chap. I gave him those."
+
+
+
+
+SOUVENIRS
+
+
+"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of milk at
+a white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his refreshment,
+he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, a brick with a faded
+rose upon the top of it.
+
+"'Why do you cherish in this way,' my friend said to his host, 'that
+common brick and that dead rose?'
+
+"'Shure, sir,' was the reply, 'there's certain memories attachin' to
+them. Do ye see this big dent in my head? Well, it was made by that
+brick.'
+
+"'But the rose?' said my friend.
+
+His host smiled quietly. "'The rose,' he explained, 'is off the grave of
+the man that threw the brick.'"
+
+
+
+
+SPECULATION
+
+
+There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when
+he can't afford it, and when he can.--_Mark Twain_.
+
+
+
+
+SPEED
+
+
+"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow," said one Quag man to
+another.
+
+"Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked.
+
+"Got himself run over by a hearse!"
+
+
+"So you heard the bullet whiz past you?" asked the lawyer of the darky.
+
+"Yes, sah, heard it twict."
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"Heard it whiz when it passed me, and heard it again when I passed it."
+
+
+A near race riot happened in a southern town. The negroes gathered in
+one crowd and the whites in another. The whites fired their revolvers
+into the air, and the negroes took to their heels. Next day a plantation
+owner said to one of his men: "Sam, were you in that crowd that gathered
+last night?" "Yassir." "Did you run like the wind, Sam?" "No, sir. I
+didn't run like the wind,'deed I didn't. But I passed two niggers that
+was running like the wind."
+
+
+A guest in a Cincinnati hotel was shot and killed. The negro porter who
+heard the shooting was a witness at the trial.
+
+"How many shots did you hear?" asked the lawyer.
+
+"Two shots, sah," he replied.
+
+"How far apart were they?"
+
+'"Bout like dis way," explained the negro, clapping his hands with an
+interval of about a second between claps.
+
+"Where were you when the first shot was fired?"
+
+"Shinin' a gemman's shoe in the basement of de hotel."
+
+"Where were you when the second shot was fired?"
+
+"Ah was passin' de Big Fo' depot."
+
+
+
+
+SPINSTERS
+
+
+"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for
+a relative or friend?" asks the minister.
+
+"I do," says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want the
+congregation to pray for my husband."
+
+"Why, sister Abigail!" replies the minister. "You have no husband as
+yet."
+
+"Yes, but I want you all to pitch in an' pray for one for me!" Some time
+ago the wife of an assisstant state officer gave a party to a lot of old
+maids of her town. She asked each one to bring a photograph of the man
+who had tried to woo and wed her. Each of the old maids brought a
+photograph and they were all pictures of the same man, the hostess's
+husband.
+
+
+Maude Adams was one day discussing with her old negro "mammy" the
+approaching marriage of a friend.
+
+"When is you gwine to git married, Miss Maudie?" asked the mammy, who
+took a deep interest in her talented young mistress.
+
+"I don't know, mammy," answered the star. "I don't think I'll ever get
+married."
+
+"Well," sighed mammy, in an attempt to be philosophical, "they do say
+ole maids is the happies' kind after they quits strugglin'."
+
+
+  Here's to the Bachelor, so lonely and gay,
+  For it's not his fault, he was born that way;
+  And here's to the Spinster, so lonely and good;
+  For it's not her fault, she hath done what she could.
+
+
+An old maid on the wintry side of fifty, hearing of the marriage of a
+pretty young lady, her friend, observed with a deep and sentimental
+sigh: "Well, I suppose it is what we must all come to."
+
+
+A famous spinster, known throughout the country for her charities, was
+entertaining a number of little girls from a charitable institution.
+After the luncheon, the children were shown through the place, in order
+that they might enjoy the many beautiful things it contained.
+
+"This," said the spinster, indicating a statue, "is Minerva."
+
+"Was Minerva married?" asked one of the little girls.
+
+"No, my child," said the spinster, with a smile; "Minerva was the
+Goddess of Wisdom."--_E.T_.
+
+
+  There once was a lonesome, lorn spinster,
+  And luck had for years been ag'inst her;
+    When a man came to burgle
+    She shrieked, with a gurgle,
+  "Stop thief, while I call in a min'ster!"
+
+
+
+
+SPITE
+
+
+Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something
+more aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once.
+
+
+A man had for years employed a steady German workman. One day Jake came
+to him and asked to be excused from work the next day.
+
+"Certainly, Jake," beamed the employer. "What are you going to do?"
+
+"Vall," said Jake slowly. "I tink I must go by mein wife's funeral. She
+dies yesterday."
+
+After the lapse of a few weeks Jake again approached his boss for a day
+off.
+
+"All right, Jake, but what are you going to do this time?"
+
+"Aber," said Jake, "I go to make me, mit mein fraeulein, a wedding."
+
+"What? So soon? Why, it's only been three weeks since you buried your
+wife."
+
+"Ach!" replied Jake, "I don't hold spite long."
+
+
+
+
+SPRING
+
+
+  In the spring the housemaid's fancy
+    Lightly turns from pot and pan
+  To the greater necromancy
+    Of a young unmarried man.
+  You can hold her through the winter,
+    And she'll work around and sing,
+  But it's just as good as certain
+    She will marry in the spring.
+
+
+  It is easy enough to look pleasant,
+  When the spring comes along with a rush;
+    But the fellow worth-while
+    Is the one who can smile
+  When he slips and sits down in the slush.
+
+  --_Leslie Van Every_.
+
+
+
+
+STAMMERING
+
+
+One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying those
+about him.
+
+"Don't you like the show?"
+
+"Yes, indeed!"
+
+"Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?"
+
+"Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! I w-was s-s-im-ply
+s-s-s-saying to S-s-s-sammie that the s-s-s-singing is s-s-s-superb."
+
+
+A man who stuttered badly went to a specialist and after ten difficult
+lessons learned to say quite distinctly, "Peter Piper picked a peck of
+pickled peppers." His friends congratulated him upon this splendid
+achievement.
+
+"Yes," said the man doubtfully, "but it's s-s-such a d-d-deucedly
+d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-w-work into an ordin-n-nary
+c-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y' know."
+
+
+
+
+STATESMEN
+
+
+A statesman is a deal politician.--_Mr. Dooley_.
+
+A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, then
+jumps in front and yells like blazes.
+
+
+
+
+STATISTICS
+
+
+An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the Lord all
+the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for help against the
+progress of wickedness in his town, with the statement:
+
+"Oh, Thou great Jehovah, crime is on the increase. It is becoming more
+prevalent daily. I can prove it to you by statistics."
+
+
+PATIENT--"Tell me candidly, Doc, do you think I'll pull through?"
+
+DOCTOR--"Oh, you're bound to get well--you can't help yourself. _The
+Medical Record_ shows that out of one hundred cases like yours, one per
+cent invariably recovers. I've treated ninety-nine cases, and every one
+of them died. Why, man alive, you can't die if you try! There's no
+humbug in statistics."
+
+
+
+
+STEAK
+
+
+"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?"
+
+"It depends on your teeth, sir."
+
+
+
+
+STEAM
+
+
+"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner.
+
+"Why, sure, sir," replied Patrick confidently. "Steam is--Why--er--it's
+wather thos's gone crazy wid the heat."
+
+
+
+
+STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS
+
+
+"That new steamer they're building is a whopper," says the man with the
+shoe button nose.
+
+"Yes," agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, "but my uncle is going
+to build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in one end of it
+he can go to the other end and be clear away from the storm."
+
+
+
+
+STENOGRAPHERS
+
+
+A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as stenographer to
+a dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent. On the morning of her first
+appearance she went straight to the desk of her employer.
+
+"I presume," she remarked, "that you begin the day over here the same as
+they do in New York?"
+
+"Oh, yes," replied the employer, without glancing up from a letter he
+was reading.
+
+"Well, hurry up and kiss me, then," was the startling rejoinder, "I want
+to get to work."
+
+
+
+
+STOCK BROKERS
+
+
+  A grain broker in New Boston, Maine,
+  Said, "That market gives me a pain;
+    I can hardly bear it,
+    To bull--I don't dare it,
+  For it's going against the grain."
+
+  --_Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha_.
+
+
+
+
+STRATEGY
+
+
+A bird dog belonging to a man in Mulvane disappeared last week. The
+owner put this "ad" in the paper and insisted that it be printed exactly
+as he wrote it:
+
+LOST OR RUN AWAY--One livver culered burd dog called Jim. Will show
+signs of hyderfobby in about three days. The dog came home the following
+day.
+
+
+"Boy, take these flowers to Miss Bertie Bohoo, Room 12."
+
+"My, sir, you're the fourth gentleman wot's sent her flowers to-day."
+
+"What's that? What the deuce? W--who sent the others?"
+
+"Oh, they didn't send any names. They all said, 'She'll know where they
+come from.'"
+
+"Well, here, take my card, and tell her these are from the same one who
+sent the other three boxes."
+
+
+The little girl was having a great deal of trouble pronouncing some of
+the words she met with. "Vinegar" had given her the most trouble, and
+she was duly grieved to know that the village was being entertained by
+her efforts in this direction.
+
+She was sent one day to the store with the vinegar-jug, to get it
+filled, and had no intention of amusing the people who were gathered in
+the store. So she handed the jug to the clerk with:
+
+"Smell the mouth of it and give me a quart."
+
+
+A young couple had been courting for several years, and the young man
+seemed to be in no hurry to marry. Finally, one day, he said:
+
+"Sall, I canna marry thee."
+
+"How's that?" asked she.
+
+"I've changed my mind," said he.
+
+"Well, I'll tell thee what we'll do," said she. "If folks know that it's
+thee as has given me up I shanna be able to get another chap; but if
+they think I've given thee up then I can get all I want. So we'll have
+banns published and when the wedding day comes the parson will say to
+thee, 'Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife?' and thou must
+say, 'I will.' And when he says to me, 'Wilt thou have this man to be
+thy wedded husband?' I shall say, 'I winna.'"
+
+The day came, and when the minister asked the important question the man
+answered:
+
+"I will."
+
+Then the parson said to the woman:
+
+"Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband?" and she said:
+
+"I will."
+
+"Why," said the young man furiously, "you said you would say 'I winna.'"
+
+"I know that," said the young woman, "but I've changed my mind since."
+
+
+Charles Stuart, formerly senator from Michigan, was traveling by stage
+through his own state. The weather was bitter cold, the snow deep, and
+the roads practically unbroken. The stage was nearly an hour late at the
+dinner station and everybody was cross and hungry.
+
+In spite of the warning, "Ten minutes only for refreshments," Senator
+Stuart sat down to dinner with his usual deliberation. When he had
+finished his first cup of coffee the other passengers were leaving the
+table. By the time his second cup arrived the stage was at the door.
+"All aboard!" shouted the driver. The senator lingered and called for a
+third cup of coffee.
+
+While the household, as was the custom, assembled at the door to see the
+stage oft, the senator calmly continued his meal. Suddenly, just as the
+stage was starting, he pounded violently on the dining-room table. The
+landlord hurried in. The senator wanted a dish of rice-pudding. When it
+came he called for a spoon. There wasn't a spoon to be found.
+
+"That shock-headed fellow took 'em!" exclaimed the landlady. "I knew him
+for a thief the minute I laid eyes on him."
+
+The landlord jumped to the same conclusion.
+
+"Hustle after that stage!" he shouted to the sheriff, who was untying
+his horse from the rail in front of the tavern. "Bring 'em all back.
+They've taken the silver!"
+
+A few minutes later the stage, in charge of the sheriff, swung around in
+front of the house. The driver was in a fury.
+
+"Search them passengers!" insisted the landlord.
+
+But before the officer could move, the senator opened the stage door,
+stepped inside, then leaned out, touched the sheriff's arm and
+whispered:
+
+"Tell the landlord he'll find his spoons in the coffee-pot."
+
+
+
+
+SUBWAYS
+
+
+Any one who has ever traveled on the New York subway in rush hours can
+easily appreciate the following:
+
+A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought of
+pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money in
+his overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was somewhat
+shocked upon encountering the fist of a fat fellow-passenger.
+
+"Aha!" snorted the latter. "I caught you that time!"
+
+"Leggo!" snarled the little man. "Leggo my hand!"
+
+"Pickpocket!" hissed the fat man.
+
+"Scoundrel!" retorted the little one.
+
+Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his paper.
+
+"I'd like to get off here," he drawled, "if you fellows don't mind
+taking your hands out of my pocket."
+
+
+
+
+SUCCESS
+
+
+Nothing succeeds like excess.--_Life_.
+
+
+Nothing succeeds like looking successful.--_Henriette Corkland_.
+
+
+Success in life often consists in knowing just when to disagree with
+one's employer.
+
+
+A New Orleans lawyer was asked to address the boys of a business school.
+He commenced:
+
+"My young friends, as I approached the entrance to this room I noticed
+on the panel of the door a word eminently appropriate to an institution
+of this kind. It expresses the one thing most useful to the average man
+when he steps into the arena of life. It was--"
+
+"Pull," shouted the boys, in a roar of laughter, and the lawyer felt
+that he had taken his text from the wrong side of the door.
+
+
+  I'd rather be a Could Be
+    If I could not be an Are;
+  For a Could Be is a May Be,
+    With a chance of touching par.
+  I'd rather be a Has Been
+    Than a Might Have Been, by far;
+  For a Might Have Been has never been,
+    But a Has was once an Are.
+
+
+  'Tis not in mortals to command success,
+  But we'll do more, Sempronius,--
+  We'll deserve it.
+
+  --_Addison_.
+
+
+There are two ways of rising in the world: either by one's own industry
+or profiting by the foolishness of others.--_La Bruyere_.
+
+
+  Success is counted sweetest
+  By those who ne'er succeed.
+
+  --_Emily Dickinson_.
+
+
+_See also_ Making good.
+
+
+
+
+SUFFRAGETTES
+
+
+When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her husband is
+usually left at home to look after his wrongs.--_Child Harold_.
+
+
+"'Ullo, Bill, 'ow's things with yer?"
+
+"Lookin' up, Tom, lookin' up."
+
+"Igh cost o' livin' not 'ittin' yer, Bill?"
+
+"Not so 'ard, Tom--not so 'ard. The missus 'as went 'orf on a hunger
+stroike and me butcher's bills is cut in arf!"
+
+
+I'd hate t' be married t' a suffragette an' have t' eat Battle Creek
+breakfasts.--_Abe Martin_.
+
+
+FIRST ENGLISHMAN--"Why do you allow your wife to be a militant
+suffragette?"
+
+SECOND ENGLISHMAN--"When she's busy wrecking things outside we have
+comparative peace at home."--_Life_.
+
+
+Recipe for a suffragette:
+
+  To the power that already lies in her hands
+    You add equal rights with the gents;
+  You'll find votes that used to bring two or three plunks,
+    Marked down to ninety-eight cents.
+
+
+When Mrs. Pankhurst, the English suffragette, was in America she met and
+became very much attached to Mrs. Lee Preston, a New York woman of
+singular cleverness of mind and personal attraction. After the
+acquaintance had ripened somewhat Mrs. Pankhurst ventured to say:
+
+"I do hope, Mrs. Preston, that you are a suffragette."
+
+"Oh, dear no!" replied Mrs. Preston; "you know, Mrs. Pankhurst, I am
+happily married."
+
+
+BILL--"Jake said he was going to break up the suffragette meeting the
+other night. Were his plans carried out?"
+
+DILL--"No, Jake was."--_Life_.
+
+
+SLASHER--"Been in a fight?"
+
+MASHER--"No. I tried to flirt with a pretty suffragette."--_Judge_.
+
+
+"What sort of a ticket does your suffragette club favor?"
+
+"Well," replied young Mrs. Torkins, "if we owned right up, I think most
+of us would prefer matinee tickets."
+
+
+_See also_ Woman suffrage.
+
+
+
+
+SUICIDE
+
+
+The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner, discussed his
+country's customs.
+
+"There is one custom," said a young girl, "that I can't understand--and
+that is the Chinese custom of committing suicide by eating gold-leaf. I
+can't understand how gold-leaf can kill."
+
+"The partaker, no doubt," smiled the Consul, "succumbs from a
+consciousness of inward gilt."
+
+
+
+
+SUMMER RESORTS
+
+
+GABE--"What are you going back to that place for this summer? Why, last
+year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing."
+
+STEVE--"The owner tells me that he has crossed the mosquitoes with the
+fish, and guarantees a bite every second."
+
+
+"I suppose," said the city man, "there are some queer characters around
+an old village like this."
+
+"You'll find a good many," admitted the native, "when the hotels fill
+up."
+
+
+
+
+SUNDAY
+
+
+Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse," he said one
+day, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee, "nurse, is this
+God's day?"
+
+"No, dear," said the nurse, "this is not Sunday; it is Thursday."
+
+"I'm so sorry," he said, sadly, and went back to his blocks.
+
+The next day and the next in his serious manner he asked the same
+question, and the nurse tearfully said to the cook:
+
+"That child is too good for this world."
+
+On Sunday the question was repeated, and the nurse, with a sob in her
+voice, said: "Yes, lambie, this is God's day."
+
+"Then where is the funny paper?" he demanded.
+
+
+TEACHER-"Good little boys do not skate on Sunday, Corky. Don't you think
+that is very nice of them?"
+
+CORKY--"Sure t'ing!"
+
+TEACHER--"And why is it nice of them, Corky?"
+
+CORKY--"Aw, it leaves more room on de ice! See?"
+
+
+  Of all the days that's in the week,
+    I dearly love but one day,
+  And that's the day that comes betwixt
+    A Saturday and Monday.
+
+  --_Henry Carey_.
+
+
+O day of rest! How beautiful, how fair,
+How welcome to the weary and the old!
+Day of the Lord! and truce to earthly care!
+Day of the Lord, as all our days should be!
+
+  --_Longfellow_.
+
+
+
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOLS
+
+
+"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing the
+blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll play
+'Sabbath School.' You give me a nickel every Sunday for six months, and
+then at Christmas I'll give you a ten-cent bag of candy."
+
+
+When Lottie returned from her first visit to Sunday-school, she was
+asked what she had learned.
+
+"God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh day,"
+was her version of the lesson imparted.
+
+
+The teacher asked: "When did Moses live?"
+
+After the silence had become painful she ordered: "Open your Old
+Testaments. What does it say there?"
+
+A boy answered: "Moses, 4000."
+
+"Now," said the teacher, "why didn't you know when Moses lived?"
+
+"Well," replied the boy, "I thought it was his telephone
+number,"--_Suburban Life_.
+
+
+"How many of you boys," asked the Sunday-school superintendent, "can
+bring two other boys next Sunday?"
+
+There was no response until a new recruit raised his hand hesitatingly.
+
+"Well, William?"
+
+"I can't bring two, but there's one little feller I can lick, and I'll
+do my damnedest to bring him."
+
+
+
+
+SUPERSTITION
+
+
+Superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its time.--_George
+Iles_.
+
+
+
+
+SURPRISE
+
+
+"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five children.
+
+"I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the mother.
+
+"Are we all goin', too?"
+
+"No, dear. You weren't invited."
+
+After a few moments' deep thought:
+
+"Say, ma, then don't you think they'd be lots more surprised if you did
+take us all?"
+
+
+
+
+SWIMMERS
+
+
+Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging about
+their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got up a
+match. The man who swam the longest distance was to receive $5. The
+Alabama Whale immediately stripped on the dock, but the Human Steamboat
+said he had some business and would return in a few minutes. The Whale
+swam the river four or five times for exercise and by that time the
+Human Steamboat returned. He wore a pair of swimming trunks and had a
+sheet iron cook stove strapped on his back. Tied around his neck were a
+dozen packages containing bread, flour, bacon and other eatables. The
+Whale gazed at his opponent in amazement.
+
+"Whar yo' vittles?" demanded the Human Steamboat.
+
+"Vittles fo' what?" asked the Whale.
+
+"Don't yo' ask me fo' nothin' on the way ovah," warned the Steamboat.
+"Mah fust stop is New York an' mah next stop is London."
+
+
+
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+
+A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost
+anything.
+
+
+Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a man
+much the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along the car between
+two rows of well-dressed people, regardless of tender feet.
+
+Murmurs and complaints arose on all sides and demands were heard that
+the offender should be ejected at once.
+
+But amid the storm of abuse one friendly voice was raised. Mr. Moody
+rose from his seat, saying:
+
+"No, no, friends! Let the man sit down and be quiet."
+
+The drunken one turned, and, seizing the famous evangelist by the hand,
+exclaimed:
+
+"Thank ye, sir--thank ye! I see you know what it is to be drunk."
+
+
+The man rushed excitedly into the smoking car. "A lady has fainted in
+the next car! Has anybody got any whiskey?" he asked.
+
+Instantly a half-dozen flasks were thrust out to him. Taking the nearest
+one, he turned the bottle up and took a big drink, then, handing the
+flask back, said, "Thank you. It always did make me feel sick to see a
+lady faint."
+
+
+A tramp went to a farmhouse, and sitting down in the front yard began to
+eat the grass.
+
+The housewife's heart went out to him: "Poor man, you must indeed be
+hungry. Come around to the back."
+
+The tramp beamed and winked at the hired man.
+
+"There," said the housewife, when the tramp hove in sight, pointing to a
+circle of green grass, "try that: you will find that grass so much
+longer."
+
+
+Strengthen me by sympathizing with my strength, not my weakness.--_Amos
+Bronson Alcott_.
+
+
+
+
+SYNONYMS
+
+
+"I don't believe any two words in the English language are synonymous."
+
+"Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and 'lift'?"
+
+"There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens and have a neighbor who
+has been known to 'lift' them."
+
+
+
+
+TABLE MANNERS
+
+
+_See_ Dining.
+
+
+
+
+TACT
+
+
+It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished to
+compliment his hostess, saying:
+
+"Madam, you played your part splendidly. It fits you to perfection."
+
+"I'm afraid not. A young and pretty woman is needed for that part," said
+the smiling hostess.
+
+"But, madam, you have positively proved the contrary."
+
+
+
+
+TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD
+
+
+When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he had
+been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old friend. It was
+a small house, not well built, and as he walked about in his room the
+unsubstantial little house fairly shook with his tread. When he got into
+bed that receptacle, unused to so much weight, gave way, precipitating
+Taft on the floor.
+
+His friend hurried to his door.
+
+"What's the matter, Bill?"
+
+"Oh, I'm all right, I guess," Taft called out to his friend
+good-naturedly; "but say, Joe, if you don't find me here in the morning
+look in the cellar."
+
+
+One morning a few summers ago President Taft, wearing the largest
+bathing suit known to modern times, threw his substantial form into the
+cooling waves of Beverly Bay. Shortly afterward one neighbor said to
+another: "Let's go bathing."
+
+"How can we?" was the response. "The President is using the ocean."
+
+
+
+
+TALENT
+
+
+_See_ Actors and actresses.
+
+
+
+
+TALKERS
+
+
+Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-party
+given by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess had been
+particularly talkative all during the performance--to Mr. Clemens's
+increasing irritation.
+
+Toward the end of the opera, she turned to him and said gushingly:
+
+"Oh, my dear Mr. Clemens, I do so want you to be with us next Friday
+evening. I'm certain you will like it the opera will be 'Tosca.'"
+
+"Charmed, I'm sure," replied Clemens. "I've never heard you in that."
+
+
+It was a beautiful evening and Ole, who had screwed up courage to take
+Mary for a ride, was carried away by the magic of the night.
+
+"Mary," he asked, "will you marry me?"
+
+"Yes, Ole," she answered softly.
+
+Ole lapsed into a silence that at last became painful to his fiancee.
+
+"Ole," she said desperately, "why don't you say something?"
+
+"Ay tank," Ole replied, "they bane too much said already."
+
+
+"Sir," said the sleek-looking agent, approaching the desk of the meek,
+meaching-looking man and opening one of those folding thingumjigs
+showing styles of binding, "I believe I can interest you in this massive
+set of books containing the speeches of the world's greatest orators.
+Seventy volumes, one dollar down and one dollar a month until the price,
+six hundred and eighty dollars has been paid. This set of books gives
+you the most celebrated speeches of the greatest talkers the world has
+ever known and--"
+
+"Let me see the index," said the meek man.
+
+The agent handed it to him and he looked through it carefully and
+methodically, running his finger along the list of names.
+
+Reaching the end he handed the index back to the agent and said: "It
+isn't what you claim it is. I happen to know the greatest talker in the
+world, and you haven't her in the index."
+
+
+A guest was expected for dinner and Bobby had received five cents as the
+price of his silence during the meal. He was as quiet as a mouse until,
+discovering that his favorite dessert was being served, he could no
+longer curb his enthusiasm. He drew the coin from his pocket, and
+rolling it across the table, exclaimed: "Here's your nickel, Mamma. I'd
+rather talk."
+
+
+A belated voyager in search of hilarity stumbled home after one o'clock
+and found his wife waiting for him. The curtain lecture that followed
+was of unusual virulence, and in the midst of it he fell asleep.
+Awakening a few hours later he found his wife still pouring forth a
+regular cascade of denunciation. Eyeing her sleepily he said curiously,
+
+"Say, are you talking yet or again?"
+
+
+"You must not talk all the time, Ethel," said the mother who had been
+interrupted.
+
+"When will I be old enough to, Mama?" asked the little girl.
+
+
+While the late Justice Brewer was judge in a minor court he was
+presiding at the trial of a wife's suit for separation and alimony. The
+defendant acknowledged that he hadn't spoken to his wife in five years,
+and Judge Brewer put in a question.
+
+"What explanation have you," he asked severely, "for not speaking to
+your wife in five years?"
+
+"Your Honor," replied the husband, "I didn't like to interrupt the
+lady."
+
+
+She was in an imaginative mood.
+
+"Henry, dear," she said after talking two hours without a recess, "I
+sometimes wish I were a mermaid."
+
+"It would be fatal," snapped her weary hubby.
+
+"Fatal! In what way?"
+
+"Why, you couldn't keep your mouth closed long enough to keep from
+drowning."
+
+And after that, Henry did not get any supper.
+
+
+"Here comes Blinkers. He's got a new baby, and he'll talk us to death."
+
+"Well, here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog. Let's
+introduce them and leave them to their fate."--_Life_.
+
+
+A street-car was getting under way when two women, rushing from opposite
+sides of the street to greet each other, met right in the middle of the
+car-track and in front of the car. There the two stopped and began to
+talk. The car stopped, too, but the women did not appear to realize that
+it was there. Certain of the passengers, whose heads were immediately
+thrust out of the windows to ascertain what the trouble was, began to
+make sarcastic remarks, but the two women heeded them not.
+
+Finally the motorman showed that he had a saving sense of humor. Leaning
+over the dash-board, he inquired, in the gentlest of tones:
+
+"Pardon me, ladies, but shall I get you a couple of chairs?"
+
+
+A--"I used a word in speaking to my wife which offended her sorely a
+week ago. She has not spoken a syllable to me since."
+
+B--"Would you mind telling me what it was?"
+
+
+In general those who have nothing to say Contrive to spend the longest
+time in doing it.--_Lowell_.
+
+
+_See also_ Wives.
+
+
+
+
+TARDINESS
+
+
+"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in passing a
+small boy who was carrying a package.
+
+"No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."--_Mabel Long_.
+
+
+"How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school this
+morning?" the teacher asked severely.
+
+"Please, ma'am," said Ethel, "I must have overwashed myself."
+
+
+
+
+TARIFF
+
+
+Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty saying,
+"America expects every man to pay his duty?"--_Kent Packard_.
+
+
+
+
+TASTE
+
+
+"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," said
+Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter whose
+little daughter called at a friend's house and said:
+
+'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'"
+
+So, with great pride, the hostess led the little girl into the
+drawing-room, and raised all the blinds, so that the light might stream
+in abundantly upon the gorgeous colors of an expensive Kirmanshah.
+
+The little girl stared down at the rug in silence. Then, as she turned
+away, she said in a rather disappointed voice:
+
+"'It doesn't make _me_ sick!'"
+
+
+
+
+TEACHERS
+
+
+A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much
+troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she
+made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at
+the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largest three boys of
+her class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by six
+o'clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were waiting
+for her to arrive.
+
+
+"Why did you break your engagement with that school teacher?"
+
+"If I failed to show up at her house every evening, she expected me to
+bring a written excuse signed by my mother."
+
+
+Among the youngsters belonging to a colege settlement in a New England
+city was one little girl who returned to her humble home with glowing
+accounts of the new teacher.
+
+"She's a perfect lady," exclaimed the enthusiastic youngster.
+
+The child's mother gave her a doubtful look. "How do _you_ know?" she
+said. "You've only known her two days."
+
+"It's easy enough tellin'," continued the child. "I know she's a perfect
+lady, because she makes you feel polite all the time."
+
+
+MOTHER--"The teacher complains you have not had a correct lesson for a
+month; why is it?"
+
+SON--"She always kisses me when I get them right."
+
+
+There was a meeting of the new teachers and the old. It was a sort of
+love feast, reception or whatever you call it. Anyhow all the teachers
+got together and pretended they didn't have a care in the world. After
+the eats were et the symposiarch proposed a toast:
+
+"Long Live Our Teachers!"
+
+It was drunk enthusiastically. One of the new teachers was called on to
+respond. He modestly accepted. His answer was:
+
+"What On?"
+
+
+TEACHER--"Now, Willie, where did you get that chewing gum? I want the
+truth."
+
+WILLIE--"You don't want the truth, teacher, an' I'd ruther not tell a
+lie."
+
+TEACHER--"How dare you say I don't want the truth! Tell me at once where
+you got that chewing-gum."
+
+WILLIE--"Under your desk."
+
+
+  Grave is the Master's look; his forehead wears
+  Thick rows of wrinkles, prints of worrying cares:
+  Uneasy lie the heads of all that rule,
+  His worst of all whose kingdom is a school.
+
+  --_0.W. Holmes_.
+
+
+
+
+TEARS
+
+
+Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel,
+when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he
+partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes.
+
+Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye cryin' fer?"
+
+Pat, wishing to have Mike fooled also, exclaimed: "I'm crying fer me
+poor ould mother, who's dead way over in Ireland."
+
+By and by Mike took some of the radish, whereupon tears filled _his_
+eyes. Pat, seeing them, asked his friend what he was crying for.
+
+Mike replied: "Because ye didn't die at the same time yer poor ould
+mother did."
+
+
+
+
+TEETH
+
+
+  There was an old man of Tarentum,
+  Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em:
+    And when asked for the cost
+    Of what he had lost,
+  Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!"
+
+  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
+
+
+Pat came to the office with his jaw very much swollen from a tooth he
+desired to have pulled. But when the suffering son of Erin got into the
+dentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps approaching his
+face, he positively refused to open his mouth.
+
+The dentist quietly told his office boy to prick his patient with a pin,
+and when Pat opened his mouth to yell the dentist seized the tooth, and
+out it came.
+
+"It didn't hurt as much as you expected it would, did it?" the dentist
+asked smiling.
+
+"Well, no," replied Pat hesitatingly, as if doubting the truthfulness of
+his admission. "But," he added, placing his hand on the spot where the
+boy jabbed him with the pin, "begorra, little did I think the roots
+would reach down like that."
+
+
+An Irishman with one side of his face badly swollen stepped into Dr.
+Wicten's office and inquired if the dentist was in. "I am the dentist,"
+said the doctor.
+
+"Well, then, I want ye to see what's the matter wid me tooth."
+
+The doctor examined the offending molar, and explained: "The nerve is
+dead; that's what's the matter."
+
+"Thin, be the powers," the Irishman exclaimed, "the other teeth must be
+houldin' a wake over it!"
+
+
+  For there was never yet philosopher
+  That could endure the toothache patiently.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+
+
+TELEPHONE
+
+
+Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they
+should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this important
+conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a number.
+One of the girls became indignant and scornfully asked:
+
+"What line do you think you are on, anyhow?"
+
+"Well," said the man, "I am not sure, but, judging from what I have
+heard, I should say I was on a clothesline."
+
+
+When Grover Cleveland's little girl was quite young her father once
+telephoned to the White House from Chicago and asked Mrs. Cleveland to
+bring the child to the 'phone. Lifting the little one up to the
+instrument, Mrs. Cleveland watched her expression change from
+bewilderment to wonder and then to fear. It was surely her father's
+voice--yet she looked at the telephone incredulously. After examining
+the tiny opening in the receiver the little girl burst into tears. "Oh,
+Mamma!" she sobbed. "How can we ever get Papa out of that little hole?"
+
+
+New York Elks are having a lot of fun with a member of their lodge, a
+Fifteenth Street jeweler. The other day his wife was in the jewelry
+store when the 'phone rang. She answered it.
+
+"I want to speak to Mr. H----," said a woman's voice.
+
+"Who is this?' demanded the jeweler's wife.
+
+"Elizabeth."
+
+"Well, Elizabeth, this is his wife. Now, madam, what do you want?"
+
+"I want to talk to Mr. H----."
+
+"You'll talk to me."
+
+"Please let me speak to Mr. H----."
+
+The jeweler's wife grew angry. "Look here, young lady," she said, "who
+are you that calls my husband and insists on talking to him?"
+
+"I'm the telephone operator at Elizabeth, N.J.," came the reply.
+
+And now the Elks take turns calling the jeweler up and telling him it's
+Elizabeth.
+
+
+OPERATOR--"Number, please."
+
+SUBSCRIBER--"I vas talking mit my husband und now I don't hear him any
+more. You must of pushed him off de vire."
+
+
+A German woman called up Central and instructed her as follows:
+
+"Ist dis de mittle? Veil dis is Lena. Hang my hustband on dis line. I
+vant to speak mit him."
+
+
+In China when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may be
+expected to ask:
+
+"What number does the honorable son of the moon and stars desire?"
+
+"Hohi, two-three."
+
+Silence. Then the exchange resumes.
+
+"Will the honorable person graciously forgive the inadequacy of the
+insignificant service and permit this humbled slave of the wire to
+inform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently censured line is busy?"
+
+
+Recipe for a telephone operator:
+
+  To fearful and wonderful rolling of "r's,"
+    And a voice cold as thirty below,
+  Add a dash of red pepper, some ginger and sass
+    If you leave out the "o" in "hello"!
+
+
+
+
+TEMPER
+
+
+Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to see her
+favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for her mercurial
+temper. "Dinah," she said, "I cannot stand it any longer. I want you to
+go. I want you to go soon, I want you to go right now."
+
+"Lawzee," replied Dinah, "this surely am a co-instence. I was this very
+minute cogitatin' that same thought in my own mind--I want to go, I
+thank the good Lawd I kin go, and I pity your husband, ma'am, that he
+can't go."
+
+
+
+
+TEMPERANCE
+
+
+A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance
+employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In repairing
+a corner near the fireplace, it was found necessary to remove the
+wainscot, when some things were brought to light which greatly
+astonished the workman. A brace of decanters, sundry bottles containing
+"something to take," a pitcher, and tumblers were cosily reposing in
+their snug quarters. The joiner ran to the proprietor with the
+intelligence.
+
+"Well, I declare!" exclaimed the deacon. "That is curious, sure enough.
+It must be old Captain Bunce that left those things there when he
+occupied the premises thirty years since."
+
+"Perhaps he did, returned the discoverer, but, Deacon, that ice in the
+pitcher must have been well frozen to remain solid."--_Abbie C. Dixon_.
+
+
+
+  Here's to a temperance supper,
+    With water in glasses tall,
+  And coffee and tea to end with
+    And me not there at all.
+
+
+The best prohibition story of the season comes from Kansas where, it is
+said, a local candidate stored a lot of printed prohibition literature
+in his barn, but accidentally left the door open and a herd of milch
+cows came in and ate all the pamphlets. As a result every cow in the
+herd went dry.--_Adrian Times_.
+
+
+A Michigan citizen recently received a letter from a Kentucky whisky
+house, requesting him to send them the names of a dozen or more persons
+who would like to get some fine whisky shipped to them at a very low
+price. The letter wound up by saying:
+
+"We will give you a commission on all the orders sent in by parties
+whose names you send us."
+
+The Michigan man belonged to a practical joke class, and filled in the
+names of some of his prohibition friends on the blank spaces left for
+that purpose.
+
+He had forgotten all about his supposed practical joke when Monday he
+received another letter from the same house. He supposed it was a
+request for some more names, and was just about to throw the
+communication in the waste basket when it occurred to him to send the
+name of another old friend to the whisky house. He accordingly tore open
+the envelope, and came near collapsing when he found a check for $4.80,
+representing his commission on the sale of whisky to the parties whose
+names he had sent in about three weeks before.
+
+
+Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.--_Samuel
+Johnson_.
+
+
+
+
+TEXAS
+
+
+The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map.
+But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known. It
+is about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at the bottom of the map,
+to Dallas, which is several hundreds of miles from the top of the map.
+Hence the following conversation in Brownsville recently between two of
+the old-time residents:
+
+"Where have you been lately, Bob? I ain't seen much of you."
+
+"Been on a trip north."
+
+"Where'd you go?"
+
+"Went to Dallas."
+
+"Have a good time?"
+
+"Naw; I never did like them damn Yankees, anyway."
+
+
+
+
+TEXTS
+
+
+In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declared
+colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without previous
+meditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The voice of the
+turtle shall be heard in the land." Not noting that the margin read
+"turtle-dove," he proceeded in this manner:
+
+"This text, my hearers, strikes me as one of the most peculiar texts in
+the whole book, because we all know that a turtle ain't got no voice.
+But by the inward enlightenment I begin to see the meaning and will
+expose it to you. Down in the hollers by the streams and ponds you have
+gone in the springtime, my brethren, and observed the little turtles,
+a-sleeping on the logs. But at the sound of the approach of a human
+being, they went _kerflop-kerplunk_, down into the water. This I say,
+then, is the meaning of the prophet: he, speakinging figgeratively,
+referred to the _kerflop_ of the turtle as the _voice_ of the turtle,
+and hence we see that in those early times the prophet, looking down at
+the ages to come, clearly taught and prophesied the doctrine I have
+always preached to this congregation--_that immersion is the only form
+of baptism."_
+
+
+John D. Rockefeller, Jr., once asked a clergyman to give him an
+appropriate Bible verse on which to base an address which he was to make
+at the latter's church.
+
+"I was thinking," said young Rockefeller, "that I would take the verse
+from the Twenty-third Psalm: 'The Lord is my shepherd.' Would that seem
+appropriate?"
+
+"Quite," said the clergyman; "but do you really want an appropriate
+verse?"
+
+"I certainly do," was the reply.
+
+"Well, then," said the clergyman, with a twinkle in his eye, "I would
+select the verse in the same Psalm: 'Thou anointest my head with oil; my
+cup runneth over.'"
+
+
+
+
+THEATER
+
+
+"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a producer
+of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a film-drama. Listen
+to the impromptu scenario: Scene one, exterior of a Broadway theater,
+with the ticket-speculators getting the coin in handfuls, and--"
+
+"You're out!" interrupted the producer. "Why, don't you know that the
+law don't permit us to show an actual robbery on the screen?"--_P.H.
+Carey_.
+
+
+"Why don't women have the same sense of humor that men possess?" asked
+Mr. Torkins.
+
+"Perhaps," answered his wife gently, "it's because we don't attend the
+same theaters."
+
+
+It appears that at the rehearsal of a play, a wonderful climax had been
+reached, which was to be heightened by the effective use of the usual
+thunder and lightning. The stage-carpenter was given the order. The
+words were spoken, and instantly a noise which resembled a succession of
+pistol-shots was heard off the wings.
+
+"What on earth are you doing, man?" shouted the manager, rushing behind
+the scenes. "Do you call that thunder? It's not a bit like it."
+
+"Awfully sorry, sir," responded the carpenter; "but the fact is, sir, I
+couldn't hear you because of the storm. That was real thunder, sir!"
+
+
+Everybody has his own theater, in which he is manager, actor, prompter,
+playwright, sceneshifter, boxkeeper, doorkeeper, all in one, and
+audience into the bargain.--_J.C. and A.W. Hare_.
+
+
+
+
+THIEVES
+
+
+GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)--"Well, Ras, so you want me to
+defend you. Have you any money?"
+
+RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."
+
+LAWYER--"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do they accuse
+you of stealing?"
+
+RASTUS--"Oh, a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."
+
+
+At a dinner given by the prime minister of a little kingdom on the
+Balkan Peninsula, a distinguished diplomat complained to his host that
+the minister of justice, who had been sitting on his left, had stolen
+his watch.
+
+"Ah, he shouldn't have done that," said the prime minister, in tones of
+annoyance. "I will get it back for you."
+
+Sure enough, toward the end of the evening the watch was returned to its
+owner.
+
+"And what did he say?" asked the diplomat.
+
+"Sh-h," cautioned the host, glancing anxiously about him. "He doesn't
+know that I have got it back."
+
+
+Senator "Bob" Taylor, of Tennessee, tells a story of how, when he was
+"Fiddling Bob," governor of that state, an old negress came to him and
+said:
+
+"Massa Gov'na, we's mighty po' this winter, and Ah wish you would pardon
+mah old man. He is a fiddler same as you is, and he's in the
+pen'tentry."
+
+"What was he put in for?" asked the governor.
+
+"Stead of workin' fo' it that good-fo'-nothin' nigger done stole some
+bacon."
+
+"If he is good for nothing what do you want him back for?"
+
+"Well, yo' see, we's all out of bacon ag'in," said the old negress
+innocently.
+
+
+"Did ye see as Jim got ten years' penal for stealing that 'oss?"
+
+"Serve 'im right, too. Why didn't 'e buy the 'oss and not pay for 'im
+like any other gentleman?"
+
+
+Some time ago a crowd of Bowery sports went over to Philadelphia to see
+a prize fight. One "wise guy," who, among other things, is something of
+a pickpocket, was so sure of the result that he was willing to bet on
+it.
+
+"The Kid's goin' t' win. It's a pipe," he told a friend.
+
+The friend expressed doubts.
+
+"Sure he'll win," the pickpocket persisted. "I'll bet you a gold watch
+he wins."
+
+Still the friend doubted.
+
+"Why," exclaimed the pickpocket, "I'm willin' to bet you a good gold
+watch he wins! Y' know what I'll do? Come through the train with me now,
+an' y' can pick out any old watch y' like."
+
+
+  In vain we call old notions fudge
+    And bend our conscience to our dealing.
+
+  The Ten Commandments will not budge
+    And stealing will continue stealing.
+
+  --_Motto of American Copyright League_.
+
+
+  Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind;
+  The thief doth fear each bush an officer.
+
+  --_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers; Lost and found.
+
+
+
+
+THIN PEOPLE
+
+
+  There was an old fellow named Green,
+  Who grew so abnormally lean,
+    And flat, and compressed,
+    That his back touched his chest,
+  And sideways he couldn't be seen.
+
+  There was a young lady of Lynn,
+  Who was so excessively thin,
+    That when she essayed
+    To drink lemonade
+  She slipped through the straw and fell in.
+
+
+
+
+THRIFT
+
+
+It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if
+he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably
+choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a stranger asked him:
+
+"Why do you always take the penny? Don't you know the difference in
+value?
+
+"Aye," answered the fool, "I ken the difference in value. But if I took
+the saxpence they would never try me again."
+
+
+  The Mrs. never misses
+    Any bargain sale,
+  For the female of the species
+    Is more thrifty than the male.
+
+
+MCANDREWS (the chemist, at two A.M.)--"Two penn'orth of bicarbonate of
+soda for indigestion at this time o' night, when a glass of hot water
+does just as well!"
+
+SANDY (hastily)--"Well, well! Thanks for the advice. I'll not bother ye,
+after all. Gude nicht!"
+
+
+The foreman and his crew of bridgemen were striving hard to make an
+impression on the select board provided by Mrs. Rooney at her Arkansas
+eating establishment.
+
+"The old man sure made a funny deal down at Piney yesterday," observed
+the foreman, with a wink at the man to his right.
+
+"What'd he do?" asked the new man at the other end of the table.
+
+"Well, a year or so ago there used to be a water tank there, but they
+took down the tub and brought it up to Cabin Creek. The well went dry
+and they covered it over. It was four or five feet round, ninety feet
+deep, and plumb in the right of way. Didn't know what to do with it
+until along comes an old lollypop yesterday and gives the Old Man five
+dollars for it."
+
+"Five dollars for what?" asked the new man.
+
+"Well," continued the foreman, ignoring the interruption, "that old
+lollypop borrowed two jacks from the trackmen and jacked her up out of
+there and carried her home on wheels.'
+
+"What'd he do with it?" persisted the new man.
+
+"Say that old lollypop must've been a Yank. Nobody else could have
+figured it out. The ground on his place is hard and he needed some more
+fence. So he calc'lated 'twould be easier and cheaper to saw that old
+well up into post-holes than 'twould be to dig 'em."
+
+
+A certain workman, notorious for his sponging proclivities, met a friend
+one morning, and opened the conversation by saying:
+
+"Can ye len' us a match, John?"
+
+John having supplied him with the match, the first speaker began to feel
+his pockets ostentatiously, and then remarked dolefully, "Man, I seem to
+have left my tobacco pouch at hame."
+
+John, however, was equal to the occasion, and holding out his hand,
+remarked:
+
+"Aweel, ye'll no be needin' that match then."
+
+
+A Highlander was summoned to the bedside of his dying father. When he
+arrived the old man was fast nearing his end. For a while he remained
+unconscious of his son's presence. Then at last the old man's eyes
+opened, and he began to murmur. The son bent eagerly to listen.
+
+"Dugald," whispered the parent, "Luckie Simpson owes me five shilling."
+
+"Ay, man, ay," said the son eagerly.
+
+"An" Dugal More owes me seven shillins."
+
+"Ay," assented the son.
+
+"An' Hamish McCraw owes me ten shillins."
+
+"Sensible tae the last," muttered the delighted heir. "Sensible tae the
+last."
+
+Once more the voice from the bed took up the tale.
+
+"An', Dugald, I owe Calum Beg two pounds."
+
+Dugald shook his head sadly.
+
+"Wanderin' again, wanderin' again," he sighed. "It's a peety."
+
+
+The canny Scot wandered into the pharmacy.
+
+"I'm wanting threepenn'orth o' laudanum," he announced.
+
+"What for?" asked the chemist suspiciously.
+
+"For twopence," responded the Scot at once.
+
+
+A Scotsman wishing to know his fate at once, telegraphed a proposal of
+marriage to the lady of his choice. After spending the entire day at the
+telegraph office he was finally rewarded late in the evening by an
+affirmative answer.
+
+"If I were you," suggested the operator when he delivered the message,
+"I'd think twice before I'd marry a girl that kept me waiting all day
+for my answer."
+
+"Na, na," retorted the Scot. "The lass who waits for the night rates is
+the lass for me."
+
+
+"Well, yes," said Old Uncle Lazzenberry, who was intimately acquainted
+with most of the happenstances of the village, "Almira Stang has broken
+off her engagement with Charles Henry Tootwiler. They'd be goin'
+together for about eight years, durin' which time she had been
+inculcatin' into him, as you might call it, the beauties of economy;
+but when she discovered, just lately, that he had learnt his lesson so
+well that he had saved up two hundred and seventeen pairs of socks for
+her to darn immediately after the wedding, she 'peared to conclude that
+he had taken her advice a little too literally, and broke off the
+match."--_Puck_.
+
+
+They sat each at an extreme end of the horsehair sofa. They had been
+courting now for something like two years, but the wide gap between had
+always been respectfully preserved.
+
+"A penny for your thochts, Sandy," murmured Maggie, after a silence of
+an hour and a half.
+
+"Weel," replied Sandy slowly, with surprising boldness, "tae tell ye the
+truth, I was jist thinkin' how fine it wad be if ye were tae gie me a
+wee bit kissie."
+
+"I've nae objection," simpered Maggie, slithering over, and kissed him
+plumply on the tip of his left ear.
+
+Sandy relapsed into a brown study once more, and the clock ticked
+twenty-seven minutes.
+
+"An' what are ye thinkin' about noo--anither, eh?"
+
+"Nae, nae, lassie; it's mair serious the noo."
+
+"Is it, laddie?" asked Maggie softly. Her heart was going pit-a-pat with
+expectation. "An' what micht it be?"
+
+"I was jist thinkin'," answered Sandy, "that it was aboot time ye were
+paying me that penny!"
+
+
+The coward calls himself cautious, the miser thrifty.--_Syrus_.
+
+There are but two ways of paying debt: increase of industry in raising
+income, increase of thrift in laying out.--_Carlyle_.
+
+
+_See also_ Economy; Saving.
+
+
+
+
+TIDES
+
+
+A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat
+bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and he
+did not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to his
+feet. At last an extra big wave washed over his shoe tops.
+
+"Hey, there!" he yelled at the fair, fat bather. "Quit yer jumpin' up
+and down! D'ye want to drown me?"
+
+
+At a recent Confederate reunion in Charleston, S.C., two Kentuckians
+were viewing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time.
+
+"Say, cap'n," said one of them, "what ought I to carry home to the
+children for a souvenir?"
+
+"Why, colonel, it strikes me that some of this here ocean water would be
+right interestin'."
+
+"Just the thing!" exclaimed the colonel delightedly. From a rear pocket
+he produced a flask, and, with the aid of the captain, soon emptied it.
+Then, picking his way down to the water's edge, he filled it to the neck
+and replaced the cork.
+
+"Hi, there! Don't do that!" cried the captain in great alarm. "Pour out
+about a third of that water. If you don't, when the tide rises she'll
+bust sure."
+
+
+Nae man can tether time or tide.--_Burns_.
+
+
+
+
+TIME
+
+
+Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to
+do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clock and then
+slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back on the lid with a
+clatter. "Talk about toime and toide waitin' fer no man," she muttered
+as she hurried into the pantry; "there's toimes they waits, an' toimes
+they don't. Yistherday at this blessed minit 'twas but tin o'clock an'
+to-day it's a quarther to twilve."
+
+
+MRS. MURPHY--"Oi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is pretty bad
+off."
+
+MRS. CASEY--"Shure, he's good for a year yit."
+
+MRS. MURPHY--"As long as thot?"
+
+MRS. CASEY--"Yis; he's had four different doctors, and each one av thim
+give him three months to live."--_Puck_.
+
+
+A long-winded attorney was arguing a technical case before one of the
+judges of the superior court in a western state. He had rambled on in
+such a desultory way that it became very difficult to follow his line of
+thought, and the judge had just yawned very suggestively.
+
+With just a trace of sarcasm in his voice, the tiresome attorney
+ventured to observe: "I sincerely trust that I am not unduly trespassing
+on the time of this court."
+
+"My friend," returned his honor, "there is a considerable difference
+between trespassing on time and encroaching upon eternity."--_Edwin
+Tarrisse_.
+
+
+A traveler, finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called a
+cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. At first all
+went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they
+narrowly escaped several collisions.
+
+"What's the matter?" demanded the passenger. "Why are you driving so
+recklessly? I'm in no hurry."
+
+"Ah, g'wan wid yez," retorted the cabby. "D'ye think thot I'm goin' to
+put in me whole day drivin' ye around for two hours? Gitap!"
+
+
+Frank comes into the house in a sorry plight.
+
+"Mercy on us!" exclaims his father. "How you look! You are soaked."
+
+"Please, papa, I fell into the canal."
+
+"What! with your new trousers on?"
+
+"Yes, papa, I didn't have time to take them off."
+
+
+A well-known Bishop, while visiting at a bride's new home for the first
+time, was awakened quite early by the soft tones of a soprano voice
+singing "Nearer, My God, to Thee." As the Bishop lay in bed he meditated
+upon the piety which his young hostess must possess to enable her to
+begin her day's work in such a beautiful frame of mind.
+
+At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was.
+
+"Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses for
+soft and five for hard."
+
+
+  There was a young woman named Sue,
+  Who wanted to catch the 2:02;
+    Said the trainman, "Don't hurry
+    Or flurry or worry;
+  It's a minute or two to 2:02."
+
+
+FATHER--"Mildred, if you disobey again I will surely spank you."
+
+On father's return home that evening, Mildred once more acknowledged
+that she had again disobeyed.
+
+FATHER (firmly)--"You are going to be spanked. You may choose your own
+time. When shall it be?"
+
+MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)--"Yesterday."
+
+
+A northerner passing a rundown looking place in the South, stopped to
+chat with the farmer. He noticed the hogs running wild and explained
+that in the North the farmers fattened their hogs much faster by
+shutting them in and feeding them well.
+
+"Hell!" replied the southerner, "What's time to a hog."
+
+
+Dost thou love life? Then waste not time; for time is the stuff that
+life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
+
+
+  Time fleeth on,
+  Youth soon is gone,
+    Naught earthly may abide;
+  Life seemeth fast,
+  But may not last
+    It runs as runs the tide.
+
+  --_Leland_.
+
+
+_See also_ Scientific management.
+
+
+
+
+TIPS
+
+
+American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the
+omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service,
+however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too far, or else
+attempt to resist it altogether. There is a story told of a wealthy and
+ostentatious American in a Parisian restaurant. As the waiter placed
+the order before him he said in a loud voice:
+
+"Waiter, what is largest tip you ever received?"
+
+"One thousand francs, monsieur."
+
+"_Eh bien_! But I will give you two thousand," answered the upholder of
+American honor; and then in a moment he added: "May I ask who gave you
+the thousand francs?"
+
+"It was yourself, monsieur," said the obsequious waiter.
+
+Of quite an opposite mode of thought was another American visiting
+London for the first time. Goaded to desperation by the incessant
+necessity for tips, he finally entered the washroom of his hotel, only
+to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please tip the basin after
+using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the Yankee, turning on his heel,
+"I'll go dirty first!"
+
+
+Grant Alien relates that he was sitting one day under the shade of the
+Sphinx, turning for some petty point of detail to his Baedeker.
+
+A sheik looked at him sadly, and shook his head. "Murray good," he said
+in a solemn voice of warning; "Baedeker no good. What for you see
+Baedeker?"
+
+"No, no; Baedeker is best," answered Mr. Alien. "Why do you object to
+Baedeker?"
+
+The shick crossed his hands, and looked down at him with the pitying
+eyes of Islam. "Baedeker bad book," he repeated; "Murray very, very
+good. Murray say, 'Give the sheik half a crown'; Baedeker say, 'Give the
+sheik a shilling.'"
+
+
+"What do you consider the most important event in the history of Paris?"
+
+"Well," replied the tourist, who had grown weary of distributing tips,
+"so far as financial prosperity is concerned, I should say the discovery
+of America was the making of this town."
+
+
+In telling this one, Miss Glaser always states that she does not want it
+understood that she considers the Scotch people at all stingy; but they
+are a very careful and thrifty race.
+
+An intimate friend of her's was very anxious to have a well known
+Scotchman meet Miss Glaser, and gave her a letter of introduction to
+him. Miss Glaser, wishing to show him all the attention possible,
+invited him to a dinner which she was giving in London and after rather
+an elaborate repast the bill was paid, the waiter returning five
+shillings. She let it lie, intending, of course, to give it to the
+waiter. The Scotchman glanced at the money very frequently, and finally
+he said, his natural thrift getting the best of him:
+
+"Are you going to give all that to the waiter?"
+
+In a inimitable way, Miss Glaser quietly replied:
+
+"No, take some."
+
+
+"A tip is a small sum of money you give to somebody because you're
+afraid he won't like not being paid for something you haven't asked him
+to do."--_The Bailie, Glasgow_.
+
+
+
+
+TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
+
+
+An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of
+friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The
+good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was
+entertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise and elation.
+
+While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant her
+distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him. It was "My
+Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do try that," "Take a
+piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was nearly finished.
+
+The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, during
+a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach the
+pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mother
+said:
+
+"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle."
+
+
+Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the pages strict
+orders that in the morning he was to go and knock at the Dean's door,
+and when the Dean inquired who was knocking he was to say: "The boy, my
+Lord." According to directions he knocked and the Dean asked: "Who is
+there?" Embarrassed by the voice of the great man the page answered:
+"The Lord, my boy."
+
+
+"How did he get his title of colonel?"
+
+"He got it to distinguish him from his wife's first husband, who was a
+captain, and his wife's second husband, who was a major."
+
+
+For titles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on their
+titles.--_Machiavelli_.
+
+
+I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain
+what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an
+"Honest Man."--_George Washington_.
+
+
+
+
+TOASTS
+
+
+_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman.
+
+
+
+
+TOBACCO
+
+
+"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker.
+"How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well,
+and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in."
+
+
+_See also_ Smoking.
+
+
+
+
+TOURISTS
+
+
+_See_ Liars; Travelers.
+
+
+
+
+TRADE UNIONS
+
+
+CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy all
+the time?"
+
+ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir."
+
+"Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to be
+happy eight hours a day."
+
+
+
+
+TRAMPS
+
+
+LADY--"Can't you find work?"
+
+TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer."
+
+LADY--"And can't you get one?"
+
+TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years."
+
+
+
+
+TRANSMUTATION
+
+
+Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories
+and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for a
+moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularly
+noticeable sheath-gown passed. Simultaneously, Wood turned to Stone;
+Stone turned to Wood; then both turned to rubber.
+
+
+
+
+TRAVELERS
+
+
+An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every point
+of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a Shinto funeral.
+Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the hotel, asking him to
+instruct her guide to take her to one. The clerk was politeness itself.
+He bowed gravely and replied: "I am very sorry, Madam, but this is not
+the season for funerals."
+
+
+A gentleman whose travel-talks are known throughout the world tells the
+following on himself:
+
+"I was booked for a lecture one night at a little place in Scotland four
+miles from a railway station.
+
+"The 'chairman' of the occasion, after introducing me as 'the mon wha's
+coom here tae broaden oor intellects,' said that he felt a wee bit of
+prayer would not be out of place.
+
+"'O Lord,' he continued, 'put it intae the heart of this mon tae speak
+the truth, the hale truth, and naething but the truth, and gie us grace
+tae understan' him.'
+
+"Then, with a glance at me, the chairman said, 'I've been a traveler
+meself!'"--_Fenimore Marlin_.
+
+
+Two young Americans touring Italy for the first time stopped off one
+night at Pisa, where they fell in with a convivial party at a cafe.
+Going hilariously home one pushed the other against a building and held
+him there.
+
+"Great heavens!" cried the man next the wall, suddenly glancing up at
+the structure above him. "See what we're doing!" Both roisterers fled.
+
+They left town on an early morning train, not thinking it safe to stay
+over and see the famous leaning tower.
+
+
+Mr. Hiram Jones had just returned from a personally conducted tour of
+Europe.
+
+"I suppose," commented a friend, "that when you were in England you did
+as the English do and dropped your H's."
+
+"No," moodily responded the returned traveller; "I didn't. I did as the
+Americans do. I dropped my V's and X's."
+
+Then he slowly meandered down to the bank to see if he couldn't get the
+mortgage extended.--_W. Hanny_.
+
+
+A number of tourists were recently looking down the crater of Vesuvius.
+An American gentleman said to his companion.
+
+"That looks a good deal like the infernal regions."
+
+An English lady, overhearing the remark, said to another:
+
+"Good gracious! How these Americans do travel."
+
+
+An American tourist hailing from the west was out sight-seeing in
+London. They took him aboard the old battle-ship _Victory_, which was
+Lord Nelson's flagship in several of his most famous naval triumphs. An
+English sailor escorted the American over the vessel, and coming to a
+raised brass tablet on the deck he said, as he reverently removed his
+hat:
+
+"'Ere, sir, is the spot where Lord Nelson fell."
+
+"Oh, is it?" replied the American, blankly. "Well, that ain't nothin'. I
+nearly tripped on the blame thing myself."
+
+
+On one of the famous scenic routes of the west there is a brakeman who
+has lost the forefinger of his right hand.
+
+His present assignment as rear-end brakeman on a passenger train places
+him in the observation car, where he is the target for an almost
+unceasing fusillade of questions from tourists who insist upon having
+the name, and, if possible, the history, of all the mountain canons and
+points of interest along the route.
+
+One especially enthusiastic lady tourist had kept up her Gattling fire
+of questions until she had thoroughly mastered the geography of the
+country. Then she ventured to ask the brakeman how he had lost his
+finger:
+
+"Cut off in making a coupling between cars, I suppose?"
+
+"No, madam; I wore that finger off pointing out scenery to tourists."
+
+
+Know most of the rooms of thy native country before thou goest over the
+threshold thereof.--_Fuller_.
+
+When I was at home, I was in a better place; but travelers must be
+content.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+As the Spanish proverb says, "He who would bring home the wealth of the
+Indies must carry the wealth of the Indies with him." So it is in
+traveling: a man must carry knowledge with him, if he would bring home
+knowledge.--_Samuel Johnson_.
+
+
+
+
+TREASON
+
+
+It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite,
+criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords,
+exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: "Why, it looks very much
+like treason."
+
+Instantly came the answer in the Archbishop's best brogue: "Sure,
+treason is reason when there's an absent 't'."
+
+
+  Treason doth never prosper: what's the reason?
+  Why if it prosper, none dare call it treason.
+
+
+
+
+TREES
+
+
+CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?"
+
+FATHER--"They do, my son."
+
+CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?"
+
+FATHER--"The pantry, my son."
+
+
+
+
+TRIGONOMETRY
+
+
+A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and
+discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's
+this man charged with?"
+
+"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives."
+
+The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such
+ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry--that's
+trigonometry."
+
+
+
+
+TROUBLE
+
+
+"What is the trouble, wifey?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at
+home or something that happened in a novel?"
+
+
+It was married men's night at the revival meeting.
+
+"Let all you husbands who have troubles on your minds stand up!" shouted
+the preacher at the height of his spasm.
+
+Instantly every man in the church arose except one.
+
+"Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering out at this lone individual, who
+occupied a chair near the door. "You are one in a million."
+
+"It ain't that," piped back this one helplessly as the rest of the
+congregation gazed suspiciously at him: "I can't get up--I'm paralyzed!"
+
+
+JUDGE--"Your innocence is proved. You are acquitted."
+
+PRISONER (to the jury)--"Very sorry, indeed, gentlemen, to have given
+you all this trouble for nothing."
+
+
+A friend of mine, returning to his home in Virginia after several years'
+absence, met one of the old negroes, a former servant of his family.
+"Uncle Moses," he said, "I hear you got married."
+
+"Yes, Marse Tom, I is, and I's having a moughty troublesome time, Marse
+Tom, moughty troublesome."
+
+"What's the trouble?" said my friend.
+
+"Why, dat yaller woman, Marse Tom. She all de time axin' me fer money.
+She don't give me no peace."
+
+"How long have you been married, Uncle Moses?"
+
+"Nigh on ter two years, come dis spring."
+
+"And how much money have you given her?"
+
+"Well, I ain't done gin her none yit."--_Sue M.M. Halsey_.
+
+
+If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear tight shoes.
+
+
+Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear
+three--all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to
+have.--_Edward Everett Hale_.
+
+
+
+
+TRUSTS
+
+
+A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_.
+
+
+TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg
+dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates
+correctly and indelibly as the egg is being laid."
+
+DEWLEY--"Is the machine on the market yet?"
+
+TOMKINS--"Oh, my no! and it won't be on the market. The patent was
+bought by the Cold Storage Trust."
+
+
+
+
+TRUTH
+
+
+  There was a young lady named Ruth,
+  Who had a great passion for truth.
+    She said she would die
+    Before she would lie,
+  And she died in the prime of her youth.
+
+
+Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too
+tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the truth.
+
+
+Nature ... has buried truth deep in the bottom of the
+sea.--_Democritus_.
+
+
+"Tis strange--but true; for truth is always strange, Stranger than
+fiction."--_Byron_.
+
+
+
+
+TURKEYS
+
+
+"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a
+Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I
+was a boy, as the central figure!"
+
+"Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of
+them."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+TUTORS
+
+
+  A tutor who tooted a flute
+   Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
+     Said the two to the tutor,
+     "Is it harder to toot, or
+   To tutor two tutors to toot?"
+
+  --_Carolyn Wells_.
+
+
+
+
+TWINS
+
+
+"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?"
+
+"Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I
+know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_.
+
+
+
+
+UMBRELLAS
+
+
+A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card
+bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs
+to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in
+ten minutes." On returning to seek his property he found in its place a
+card thus inscribed: "This card was left here by a man who can run
+twelve miles an hour. I shall not be back."
+
+
+A reputable citizen had left four umbrellas to be repaired. At noon he
+had luncheon in a restaurant, and as he was departing he absent-mindedly
+started to take an umbrella from a hook near his hat.
+
+"That's mine, sir," said a woman at the next table.
+
+He apologized and went out. When he was going home in a street car with
+his four repaired umbrellas, the woman he had seen in the restaurant got
+in. She glanced from him to his umbrellas and said:
+
+"I see you had a good day."
+
+
+"That's a swell umbrella you carry."
+
+"Isn't it?"
+
+"Did you come by it honestly?"
+
+"I haven't quite figured out. It started to rain the other day and I
+stepped into a doorway to wait till it stopped. Then I saw a young
+fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought if he was
+going as far as my house I would beg the shelter of his timbershoot. So
+I stepped out and asked: 'Where are you going with that umbrella, young
+fellow?' and he dropped the umbrella and ran."
+
+
+One day a man exhibited a handsome umbrella. "It's wonderful how I make
+things last," he exclaimed. "Look at this umbrella, now. I bought it
+eleven years ago. Since then I had it recovered twice. I had new ribs
+put in in 1910, and last month I exchanged it for a new one in a
+restaurant. And here it is--as good as new."
+
+
+
+
+VALUE
+
+
+"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no
+idea of the value of money."
+
+"You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?"
+
+"Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have any
+appreciation of all the things he might buy with it."
+
+
+
+
+VANITY
+
+
+MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough
+ahlriddy."
+
+MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half as
+good lookin' as Oi am."
+
+
+"Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women are vain
+and men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the
+necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of his
+collar." There were six men present and each of them put his hand gently
+behind his neck.
+
+
+A New York woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend, bringing
+with her her eleven-year-old daughter, who gives promise of becoming as
+great a beauty as her mother.
+
+It chanced that the callers were shown into a room where the friend had
+been receiving a milliner, and there were several beautiful hats lying
+about. During the conversation the little girl amused herself by
+examining the milliner's creations. Of the number that she tried on, she
+seemed particularly pleased with a large black affair which set off her
+light hair charmingly. Turning to her mother, the little girl said:
+
+"I look just like you now, Mother, don't I?"
+
+"Sh!" cautioned the mother, with uplifted finger. "Don't be vain, dear."
+
+
+That which makes the vanity of others unbearable to us is that which
+wounds our own.--_La Rochefoucauld_.
+
+
+
+
+VERSATILITY
+
+
+A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply:
+
+    "_Dear Sir_:
+
+    "I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music
+    teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for
+    several years I beg to apply for the position."
+
+
+
+
+VOICE
+
+
+A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some
+groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing through that stage
+of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and his
+vocal organs, rapidly developing, are wont to cause his voice to undergo
+sudden and involuntary changes from high treble to low bass.
+
+In an authoritative rumbling bass voice he demanded of the busy clerk,
+"Give me a can of corn" (then, his voice suddenly changing to a shrill
+falsetto, he continued) "and a sack of flour."
+
+"Well, don't be in a hurry. I can't wait on both of you at once,"
+snapped the clerk.
+
+
+ASPIRING VOCALIST--"Professor, do you think I will ever be able to do
+anything with my voice?"
+
+PERSPIRING TEACHER--"Well it might come in handy in case of fire or
+shipwreck."--_Cornell Widow_.
+
+
+  The devil hath not, in all his quiver's choice,
+  An arrow for the heart like a sweet voice.
+
+  --_Byron_.
+
+
+
+
+WAGES
+
+
+"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more
+line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia."
+"Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty da month if da boss
+eata me."
+
+
+Commenting on the comparatively small salaries allowed by Congress for
+services rendered in the executive branch of the Government and the more
+liberal pay of some of the officials, a man in public life said:
+
+"It reminds me of the way a gang of laborers used to be paid down my
+way. The money was thrown at a ladder, and what stuck to the rungs went
+to the workers, while that which fell through went to the bosses."
+
+
+A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing his
+office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office boy,
+comes in for his full share of the admonition. That his words were
+appreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a conversation between
+Tommy and another office boy on the same floor which he recently
+overheard.
+
+"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy.
+
+"Ten thousand a year," replied Tommy.
+
+"Aw, g'wan!"
+
+"Sure," insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in cash, an' de
+rest in legal advice."
+
+
+While an Irishman was gazing in the window of a Washington bookstore the
+following sign caught his eye:
+
+  DICKENS' WORKS
+  ALL THIS WEEK FOR
+  ONLY $4.OO
+
+"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!"
+
+
+The difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wages you
+save two dollars a month, when you receive salary you borrow two dollars
+a month.
+
+
+He is well paid that is well satisfied.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+
+The ideal social state is not that in which each gets an equal amount of
+wealth, but in which each gets in proportion to his contribution to the
+general stock.--_Henry George_.
+
+
+
+
+WAITERS
+
+
+Recipe for a waiter:
+
+  Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please,
+    Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips;
+  Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce,
+    Roll in crumbs, melted butter and tips.
+
+  --_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+WAR
+
+
+"Flag of truce, Excellency."
+
+"Well, what do the revolutionists want?"
+
+"They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of condensed
+milk."
+
+
+If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half full of
+water, crawl into it, and stay there for a day or two without anything
+to eat, get a lunatic to shoot at you with a brace of revolvers and a
+machine gun, and you will have something just as good, and you will save
+your country a great deal of expense.
+
+
+"Who are those people who are cheering?" asked the recruit as the
+soldiers marched to the train.
+
+"Those," replied the veteran, "are the people who are not
+going."--_Puck_.
+
+
+  He who did well in war, just earns the right
+  To begin doing well in peace.
+
+  --_Robert Browning_.
+
+
+A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle
+[patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some
+reward.--_George Washington_.
+
+
+_See also_ Arbitration, International; European War.
+
+
+
+
+WARNINGS
+
+
+Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at
+railroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, but
+assured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking.
+
+One hot day he was eating his noon luncheon on a pine log when he saw a
+big rattler coiled a few feet in front of him. He eyed the serpent and
+began to lift his legs over the log. He had barely got them out of the
+way when the snake's fangs hit the bark beneath him.
+
+"Son of a guna!" yelled Pietro. "Why you no ringa da bell?"
+
+
+
+
+WASHINGTON, GEORGE
+
+
+A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about
+George Washington, and finally she asked:
+
+"Can any one now tell me which Washington was--a great general or a
+great admiral?"
+
+The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and she signaled him to
+speak.
+
+"He was a great general," said the boy. "I seen a picture of him
+crossing the Delaware, and no great admiral would put out from shore
+standing up in a skiff."
+
+
+A Scotsman visiting America stood gazing at a fine statue of George
+Washington, when an American approached.
+
+"That was a great and good man, Sandy," said the American; "a lie never
+passed his lips."
+
+"Weel," said the Scot, "I praysume he talked through his nose like the
+rest of ye."
+
+
+
+
+WASPS
+
+
+The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it," in his own inimitable
+way, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to hold on.
+
+
+
+
+WASTE
+
+
+The automobile rushed down the road--huge, gigantic, sublime. Over the
+fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her husband is at the cafe
+and she has thirteen little ones. (An unlucky number.) Suddenly upon the
+thirteenth came the auto, unseeing, slew him, and hummed on, unknowing.
+The woman who works hard and long rushed forward with hands, hands made
+rough by toil, upraised. She paused and stood inarticulate--a goddess,
+a giantess. Then she hurled forth these words of derision, of despair:
+"Mon Dieu! And I'd just washed him!"--_Literally translated from Le
+Sport of Paris_.
+
+
+A Boston physician tells of the case of a ten-year-old boy, who, by
+reason of an attack of fever, became deaf. The physician could afford
+the lad but little relief, so the boy applied himself to the task of
+learning the deaf-and-dumb alphabet. The other members of his family,
+too, acquired a working knowledge of the alphabet, in order that they
+might converse with the unfortunate youngster.
+
+During the course of the next few months, however, Tommy's hearing
+suddenly returned to him, assisted no doubt by a slight operation
+performed by the physician.
+
+Every one was, of course, delighted, particularly the boy's mother, who
+one day exclaimed:
+
+"Oh, Tommy, isn't it delightful to talk to and hear us again?"
+
+"Yes," assented Tommy, but with a degree of hesitation; "but here we've
+all learned the sign language, and we can't find any more use for it!"
+
+
+
+
+WEALTH
+
+
+If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you want
+to get rich you must go about it in some other way.
+
+
+The traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to have got together
+in the first place.--_Puck_.
+
+
+He that is proud of riches is a fool. For if he be exalted above his
+neighbors because he hath more gold, how much inferior is he to a gold
+mine!--_Jeremy Taylor_.
+
+
+
+
+WEATHER
+
+
+"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of the
+returned traveler.
+
+"You don't have to find the weather in London," replied the traveler.
+"It bumps into you at every corner."
+
+
+An American and a Scotsman were discussing the cold experienced in
+winter in the North of Scotland.
+
+"Why, it's nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the States,"
+said the American. "I can recollect one winter when a sheep, jumping
+from a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen on the way, and
+stuck in the air like a mass of ice."
+
+"But, man," exclaimed the Scotsman, "the law of gravity wouldn't allow
+that."
+
+"I know that," replied the tale-pitcher. "But the law of gravity was
+frozen, too!"
+
+
+Two commercial travelers, one from London and one from New York, were
+discussing the weather in their respective countries.
+
+The Englishman said that English weather had one great fault--its sudden
+changes.
+
+"A person may take a walk one day," he said, "attired in a light summer
+suit, and still feel quite warm. Next day he needs an overcoat."
+
+"That's nothing," said the American. "My two friends, Johnson and Jones,
+were once having an argument. There were eight or nine inches of snow on
+the ground. The argument got heated, and Johnson picked up a snowball
+and threw it at Jones from a distance of not more than five yards.
+During the transit of that snowball, believe me or not, as you like, the
+weather changed and became hot and summer like, and Jones, instead of
+being hit with a snowball, was--er--scalded with hot water!"
+
+
+Ex-President Taft on one of his trips was playing golf on a western
+links when he noticed that he had a particularly good caddie, an old man
+of some sixty years, as they have on the Scottish links.
+
+"And what do you do in winter?" asked the President.
+
+"Such odd jobs as I can pick up, sir," replied the man.
+
+"Not much chance for caddying then, I suppose?" asked the President.
+
+"No, sir, there is not," replied the man with a great deal of warmth.
+"When there's no frost there's sure to be snow, and when there's no
+snow there's frost, and when there's neither there's sure to be rain.
+And the few days when it's fine they're always Sundays."
+
+
+On the way to the office of his publishers one crisp fall morning, James
+Whitcomb Riley met an unusually large number of acquaintances who
+commented conventionally upon the fine weather. This unremitting
+applause amused him. When greeted at the office with "Nice day, Mr.
+Riley," he smiled broadly.
+
+"Yes," he agreed. "Yes, I've heard it very highly spoken of."
+
+
+The darky in question had simmered in the heat of St. Augustine all his
+life, and was decoyed by the report that colored men could make as much
+as $4 a day in Duluth.
+
+He headed North in a seersucker suit and into a hard winter. At Chicago,
+while waiting for a train, he shivered in an engine room, and on the way
+to Duluth sped by miles of snow fields.
+
+On arriving he found the mercury at 18 below and promptly lost the use
+of his hands. Then his feet stiffened and he lost all sensation.
+
+They picked him up and took him to a crematory for unknown dead. After
+he had been in the oven for awhile somebody opened the door for
+inspection. Rastus came to and shouted:
+
+"Shut dat do' and close dat draff!"
+
+
+  There was a small boy in Quebec,
+  Who was buried in snow to his neck;
+    When they said, "Are you friz?"
+    He replied, "Yes, I is--
+  But we don't call this cold in Quebec."
+
+  --_Rudyard Kipling_.
+
+
+Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow is
+exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only
+different kinds of good weather.--_Ruskin_.
+
+
+
+
+WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES
+
+
+Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, and was
+walking majestically up and down the street.
+
+"Aren't you working to-day, Uncle?" asked somebody.
+
+"No, suh. I'se celebrating' mah golden weddin' suh."
+
+"You were married fifty years ago to-day, then!"
+
+"Yes, suh."
+
+"Well, why isn't your wife helping you to celebrate?"
+
+"Mah present wife, suh," replied Uncle Ephraim with dignity, "ain't got
+nothin' to do with it."
+
+
+
+
+WEDDING PRESENTS
+
+
+Among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural section
+of Virginia, was one that was a gift of an old woman with whom both
+bride and groom were great favorites.
+
+Some time ago, it appears, the old woman accumulated a supply of
+cardboard mottoes, which she worked and had framed as occasion arose.
+
+So it happened that in a neat combination of blues and reds, suspended
+by a cord of orange, there hung over the table whereon the other
+presents were displayed for the delectation of the wedding guests, this
+motto:
+
+    FIGHT ON; FIGHT EVER.
+
+
+
+
+WEDDINGS
+
+
+An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose bride
+had been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the wedding
+invitations: "Be sure and come; this is no amateur performance."
+
+
+A wealthy young woman from the west was recently wedded to a member of
+the nobility of England, and the ceremony occurred in the most
+fashionable of London churches--St. George's.
+
+Among the guests was a cousin of the bride, as sturdy an American as can
+be imagined. He gave an interesting summary of the wedding when asked by
+a girl friend whether the marriage was a happy one.
+
+"Happy? I should say it was," said the cousin. "The bride was happy, her
+mother was overjoyed, Lord Stickleigh, the groom, was in ecstasies, and
+his creditors, I understand, were in a state of absolute bliss."--_Edwun
+Tarrisse_.
+
+
+The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking
+young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about
+as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself
+to cheer him up.
+
+"Er--have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.
+
+"Not lately," replied the gloomy one with a far-away expression.
+
+
+The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach
+the significance of white to a Sunday-school class.
+
+"Why," said he, "does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white
+at her marriage?"
+
+As no one answered, he explained. "White," said he, "stands for joy, and
+the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman's life."
+
+A small boy queried, "Why do the men all wear black?"--_M.J. Moor_.
+
+
+Lilly May came to her mistress. "Ah would like a week's vacation, Miss
+Annie," she said, in her soft negro accent; "Ah wants to be married."
+
+Lillie had been a good girl, so her mistress gave her the week's
+vacation, a white dress, a veil and a plum-cake.
+
+Promptly at the end of the week Lillie returned, radiant. "Oh, Miss
+Annie!" she exclaimed, "Ah was the mos' lovely bride! Ma dress was
+pcrfec', ma veil mos' lovely, the cake mos' good! An' oh, the dancin'
+an' the eatin'!"
+
+"Well, Lillie, this sounds delightful," said her mistress, "but you have
+left out the point of your story--I hope you have a good husband."
+
+Lillie's tone changed to indignation: "Now, Miss Annie, what yo' think?
+Tha' darn nigger nebber turn up!"
+
+
+There is living in Illinois a solemn man who is often funny without
+meaning to be. At the time of his wedding, he lived in a town some
+distance from the home of the bride. The wedding was to be at her house.
+On the eventful day the solemn man started for the station, but on the
+way met the village grocer, who talked so entertainingly that the
+bridegroom missed his train.
+
+Naturally he was in a "state." Something must be done, and done quickly.
+So he sent the following telegram:
+
+    Don't marry till I come.--HENRY.
+
+--_Howard, Morse_.
+
+
+In all the wedding cake, hope is the sweetest of the plums.--_Douglas
+Jerrold_.
+
+
+
+
+WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
+
+
+"Didn't I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day until ye
+had her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward a sickly,
+emaciated cat that was slinking through the store.
+
+"Ye did thot," replied the assistant, "an" I've just been after feedin'
+her a pound of meat this very minute."
+
+"Faith, an' I don't believe ye. Bring me the scales."
+
+The poor cat was lifted into the scales. Thy balancd at exactly one
+pound.
+
+"There!" exclaimed the assistant triumphantly. "Didn't I tell ye she'd
+had her pound of meat?"
+
+"That's right," admitted the boss, scratching his head. "That's yer
+pound of meat all right. But"--suddenly looking up--"where the divvil is
+the cat?"
+
+
+
+
+WELCOMES
+
+
+When Ex-President Taft was on his transcontinental tour, American flags
+and Taft pictures were in evidence everywhere. Usually the Taft pictures
+contained a word of welcome under them. Those who heard the President's
+laugh ring out will not soon forget the western city which, directly
+under the barred window of the city lockup, displayed a Taft picture
+with the legend "Welcome" on it.--_Hugh Morist_.
+
+
+  Come in the evening, or come in the morning,
+  Come when you're looked for, or come without warning,
+  Kisses and welcome you'll find here before you,
+  And the oftener you come here the more I'll adore you.
+
+  --_Thomas O. Davis_.
+
+
+
+
+WEST, THE
+
+
+EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)--"The idea of calling this the
+'Wild-West'! Why, I never saw such politeness anywhere."
+
+COWBOY--"We're allers perlite to ladies, ma'am."
+
+EASTERN LADY--"Oh, as for that, there is plenty of politeness
+everywhere. But I refer to the men. Why, in New York the men behave
+horribly towards one another; but here they treat one another as
+delicately as gentlemen in a drawing-room."
+
+COWBOY--"Yes, ma'am; it's safer."--_Abbie C. Dixon_.
+
+
+
+
+WHISKY
+
+
+This is from an Irish priest's sermon, as quoted in Samuel M. Hussey's
+"Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": "'It's whisky makes you bate
+your wives; it's whisky makes your homes desolate; it's whisky makes you
+shoot your landlords, and'--with emphasis, as he thumped the
+pulpit--'it's whisky makes you miss them.'"
+
+
+In a recent trial of a "bootlegger" in western Kentucky a witness
+testified that he had purchased some "squirrel" whisky from the
+defendant.
+
+"Squirrel whisky?" questioned the court.
+
+"Yes, you know: the kind that makes you talk nutty and want to climb
+trees."
+
+
+General Carter, who went to Texas in command of the regulars sent south
+for maneuvers along the Mexican border, tells this story of an old Irish
+soldier: The march had been a long and tiresome one, and as the bivouac
+was being made for the night, the captain noticed that Pat was looking
+very much fatigued. Thinking that a small drop of whisky might do him
+good, the captain called Pat aside and said, "Pat, will you have a wee
+drink of whisky?" Pat made no answer, but folded his arms in a
+reverential manner and gazed upward. The captain repeated the question
+several times, but no answer from Pat, who stood silent and motionless,
+gazing devoutly into the sky. Finally the captain, taking him by the
+shoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said: "Pat, why don't you
+answer? I said, 'Pat, will you have a drink of whisky?'" After looking
+around in considerable astonishment Pat replied: "And is it yez,
+captain? Begorrah and I thought it was an angel spakin' to me."
+
+
+_See_ also Drinking.
+
+
+
+
+WHISKY BREATH
+
+
+_See_ Breath.
+
+
+
+
+WIDOWS
+
+
+During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlor
+one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not," replied the
+other. "Are you?"
+
+"No," was the reply, "I, too, am on the single list," adding: "Strange
+that two such estimable women as ourselves should have been overlooked
+in the great matrimonial market! Now that lady," pointing to another who
+was passing, "has been widowed four times, two of her husbands having
+been cremated. The woman," she continued, "is plain and uninteresting,
+and yet she has them to burn."
+
+
+
+
+WIND
+
+
+VISITOR--"What became of that other windmill that was here last year?"
+
+NATIVE--"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it down."
+
+
+  Whichever way the wind doth blow
+  Some heart is glad to have it so;
+  Then blow it east, or blow it west,
+  The wind that blows, that wind is best.
+
+  --_Caroline A. Mason_.
+
+
+
+
+WINDFALLS
+
+
+A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped in a
+widow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home worth about
+$30,000 more than when he started.
+
+
+
+
+WINE
+
+
+  When our thirsty souls we steep,
+  Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep.
+  Talk of monarchs! we are then
+  Richest, happiest, first of men.
+
+  When I drink, my heart refines
+  And rises as the cup declines;
+  Rises in the genial flow,
+  That none but social spirits know.
+
+  To-day we'll haste to quaff our wine,
+  As if to-morrow ne'er should shine;
+  But if to-morrow comes, why then--
+  We'll haste to quaff our wine again.
+
+  Let me, oh, my budding vine,
+  Spill no other blood than thine.
+  Yonder brimming goblet see,
+  That alone shall vanquish me.
+
+  I pray thee, by the gods above,
+  Give me the mighty howl I love,
+  And let me sing, in wild delight.
+  "I will--I will be mad to-night!"
+
+  When Father Time swings round his scythe,
+  Intomb me 'neath the bounteous vine,
+  So that its juices red and blythe,
+  May cheer these thirsty bones of mine.
+
+  --_Eugene Field_.
+
+
+_See also_ Drinking.
+
+
+
+
+WISHES
+
+
+George Washington drew a long sigh and said: "Ah wish Ah had a hundred
+watermillions."
+
+Dixie's eyes lighted. "Hum! Dat would suttenly be fine! An' ef yo' had a
+hundred watermillions would yo' gib me fifty?"
+
+"No, Ah wouldn't."
+
+"Wouldn't yo' give me twenty-five?"
+
+"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' no twenty-five."
+
+Dixie gaxed with reproachful eyes at his close-fisted friend. "Seems to
+me, you's powahful stingy, George Washington," he said, and then
+continued in a heartbroken voice. "Wouldn't yo' gib me one?"
+
+"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' one. Look a' heah, nigger! Are yo' so good for
+nuffen lazy dat yo' cahn't wish fo' yo' own watermillions?"
+
+
+  "Man wants but little here below
+    Nor wants that little long,"
+  'Tis not with me exactly so;
+    But'tis so in the song.
+  My wants are many, and, if told,
+    Would muster many a score;
+  And were each a mint of gold,
+    I still should long for more.
+
+  --_John Quincy Adams_.
+
+
+
+
+WITNESSES
+
+
+"The trouble is," said Wilkins as he talked the matter over with his
+counsel, "that in the excitement of the moment I admitted that I had
+been going too fast, and wasn't paying any attention to the road just
+before the collision. I'm afraid that admission is going to prove
+costly."
+
+"Don't wory about that," said his lawyer. "I'll bring seven witnesses
+to testify that they wouldn't believe you under oath."
+
+
+On his eighty-fourth birthday, Paul Smith, the veteran Adirondock
+hotel-keeper, who started life as a guide and died owning a million
+dollars' worth of forest land, was talking about boundary disputes
+with an old friend.
+
+"Didn't you hear of the lawsuit over a title that I had with Jones
+down in Malone last summer?" asked Paul. The friend had not heard.
+
+"Well," said Paul, "it was this way. I sat in the court room before
+the case opened with my witnesses around me. Jones busted in, stopped,
+looked my witnesses over carefully, and said: 'Paul, are those your
+witnesses?' 'They are,' said I. 'Then you win,' said he. 'I've had
+them witnesses twice myself.'"
+
+
+
+
+WIVES
+
+
+"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?"
+
+"I believe so, my son," said the father.
+
+"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me
+death?'"--_Town Topics_.
+
+
+A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman who
+lived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passage
+concerning Solomon's household.
+
+"Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old woman,
+after reflection.
+
+"Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated in the Bible."
+
+"Lor', mum!" was the comment. "What privileges them early Christians
+had!"
+
+
+CASEY--"Now, phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot?"
+
+CLANCY--"Loike phwat?"
+
+CASEY--"Th' walkin' diligate tils me to stroike, an' me ould woman
+orders me to ke-ape on wurrkin'."
+
+
+Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, was taken to task because he had
+made a certain appointment, a friend maintaining that another man
+should have received the place. The governor listened quietly and then
+said:
+
+"Did I ever tell you about Mose Williams? One day Mose sought his
+employer, an acquaintance of mine, and inquired:
+
+"'Say, boss, is yo' gwine to town t'morrer?'
+
+"'I think so. Why?'
+
+"'Well, hit's dishaway. Me an' Easter Johnson's gwine to git mahred,
+an' Ah 'lowed to ax yo' ter git a pair of licenses fo' me."
+
+"I shall be delighted to oblige you, Mose, and I hope you will be very
+happy."
+
+"The next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old man was
+waiting for him.
+
+"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.
+
+"'Yes, here they are.'
+
+"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry
+yo' got 'em, boss!'
+
+"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'
+
+"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry
+Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis'
+Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'
+
+"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost
+you fifty cents more.'
+
+"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change
+made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.
+
+"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'
+
+"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'
+
+"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter
+Johnson after all.'
+
+"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you
+change your mind again?'
+
+"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't
+fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"
+
+
+A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew
+on buttons before they come off.
+
+
+"What are you cutting out of the paper?"
+
+"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
+through his pockets."
+
+"What are you going to do with it?"
+
+"Put it in my pocket."
+
+
+A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight
+wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth,
+and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.
+
+"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"
+
+"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.
+
+"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then you must be as strong as a man!"
+
+"I am."
+
+"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your
+husband--would you?"
+
+"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.
+
+The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads.
+Then the oldest said softly:
+
+"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife.
+He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.
+
+
+PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."
+
+MIKE--"She is thot."
+
+PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"
+
+MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"
+
+
+SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."
+
+MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's
+all."
+
+SON--"May I stay up till he does?"
+
+
+"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who
+wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."
+
+
+It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged
+his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big,
+square-jawed woman with a determined eye.
+
+"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to
+your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.
+
+"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare
+defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of
+overtook me."
+
+
+"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return
+one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"
+
+"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"
+
+"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.
+
+"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"
+
+Flora dried her tears.
+
+"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to
+you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course,
+I--I opened it."
+
+"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.
+
+"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"
+
+"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"
+
+"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into
+fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't
+f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"
+"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.
+
+"'Yes, here they are.'
+
+"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry
+yo' got 'em, boss!'
+
+"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'
+
+"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry
+Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis'
+Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'
+
+"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost
+you fifty cents more.'
+
+"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change
+made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.
+
+"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'
+
+"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'
+
+"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter
+Johnson after all.'
+
+"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you
+change your mind again?'
+
+"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't
+fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"
+
+
+A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew
+on buttons before they come off.
+
+
+"What are you cutting out of the paper?"
+
+"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
+through his pockets."
+
+"What are you going to do with it?"
+
+"Put it in my pocket."
+
+
+A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight
+wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth,
+and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.
+
+"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"
+
+"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.
+
+"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then you must be as strong as a man!"
+
+"I am."
+
+"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your
+husband--would you?"
+
+"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.
+
+The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads.
+Then the oldest said softly:
+
+"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife.
+He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.
+
+
+PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."
+
+MIKE--"She is thot."
+
+PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"
+
+MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"
+
+
+SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."
+
+MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's
+all."
+
+SON--"May I stay up till he does?"
+
+
+"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who
+wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."
+
+
+It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged
+his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big,
+square-jawed woman with a determined eye.
+
+"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to
+your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.
+
+"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare
+defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of
+overtook me."
+
+
+"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return
+one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"
+
+"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"
+
+"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.
+
+"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"
+
+Flora dried her tears.
+
+"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to
+you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course,
+I--I opened it."
+
+"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.
+
+"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"
+
+"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"
+
+"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into
+fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't
+f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"
+
+
+"By jove, I left my purse under the pillow!"
+
+"Oh, well, your servant is honest, isn't she?"
+
+"That's just it. She'll take it to my wife."
+
+
+  There swims no goose so gray, but soon or late
+  She finds some honest gander for her mate.
+
+  --_Pope_.
+
+
+A clerk showed forty patterns of ginghams to a man whose wife had sent
+him to buy some for her for Christmas, and at every pattern the man
+said: "My wife said she didn't want anything like that."
+
+The clerk put the last piece back on the shelf. "Sir," he said, "you
+don't want gingham. What you want is a divorce."
+
+
+Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are
+wives.--_Shakespeare_.
+
+  In the election of a wife, as in
+  A project of war, to err but once is
+  To be undone forever.
+
+  --_Thomas Middleton_.
+
+
+  Of earthly goods, the best is a good wife;
+  A bad, the bitterest curse of human life.
+
+  --_Simonides_.
+
+
+_See also_ Domestic finance; Suffragettes; Talkers; Temper; Woman
+suffrage.
+
+
+
+
+WOMAN
+
+
+Woman--the only sex which attaches more importance to what's on its head
+than to what's in it.
+
+
+"How very few statues there are of real women."
+
+"Yes! it's hard to get them to look right."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn't seem true to life."
+
+
+    "Oh, woman! in our hours of ease
+    Uncertain, coy, and hard to please"--
+    So wrote Sir Walter long ago.
+    But how, pray, could he really know?
+    If woman fair he strove to please,
+   Where did he get his "hours of ease"?
+
+  --_George B. Morewood_.
+
+
+MISS SCRIBBLE-"The heroine of my next story is to be one of those modern
+advanced girls who have ideas of their own and don't want to get
+married."
+
+THE COLONEL (politely)-"Ah, indeed, I don't think I ever met that
+type."--_Life_.
+
+
+  You are a dear, sweet girl,
+  God bless you and keep you--
+  Wish I could afford to do so.
+
+
+Here's to man--he can afford anything he can get. Here's to woman--she
+can afford anything that she can get a man to get for her.--_George
+Ade_.
+
+
+  Here's to the soldier and his arms,
+    Fall in, men, fall in;
+  Here's to woman and her arms,
+    Fall in, men, fall in!
+
+
+Most Southerners are gallant. An exception is the Georgian who gave his
+son this advice:
+
+"My boy, never run after a woman or a street car--there will be another
+one along in a minute or two."
+
+
+  Here's to the maid of bashful fifteen;
+  Here's to the widow of fifty;
+  Here's to the flaunting, extravagant queen;
+  And here's to the housewife that's thrifty.
+   Chorus:
+    Let the toast pass,--
+    Drink to the lass,
+  I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass.
+
+  --_Sheridan_.
+
+
+
+  Here's to the ladies, the good, young ladies;
+  But not too good, for the good die young,
+  And we want no dead ones.
+  And here's to the good old ladies,
+  But not too old, for we want no dyed ones.
+
+
+When a woman repulses, beware. When a woman beckons,
+bewarer.--_Henriette Corkland_.
+
+
+The young woman had spent a busy day.
+
+She had browbeaten fourteen salespeople, bullyragged a floor-walker,
+argued victoriously with a milliner, laid down the law to a modiste,
+nipped in the bud a taxi chauffeur's attempt to overcharge her, made a
+street car conductor stop the car in the middle of a block for her,
+discharged her maid and engaged another, and otherwise refused to allow
+herself to be imposed upon.
+
+Yet she did not smile that evening when a young man begged:
+
+"Let me be your protector through life!"
+
+
+I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like
+their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their
+_silence.--Samuel Johnson_.
+
+
+  Auld Nature swears, the lovely dears
+    Her noblest work she classes, O:
+  Her 'prentice hand she tried on man,
+    An' then she made the lasses, O.
+
+  --_Burns_.
+
+
+  Not from his head was woman took,
+  As made her husband to o'erlook;
+  Not from his feet, as one designed
+  The footstool of the stronger kind;
+  But fashioned for himself, a bride;
+  An equal, taken from his side.
+
+  --_Charles Wesley_.
+
+
+_See also_ Mice; Mothers; Smoking; Suffragettes; Wives; Woman suffrage.
+
+
+
+
+WOMAN SUFFRAGE
+
+
+WOMAN VOTER--"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I absolutely
+refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones woman."
+
+
+Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked recently how she stood on the vote for
+women question. She replied she didn't "stand at all," and told a
+story about a New England farmer's wife who had no very romantic ideas
+about the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from churn to sink, from
+sink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wanted
+to vote. "No, I certainly don't! I say if there's one little thing
+that the men folks can do alone, for goodness sakes let 'em do it!"
+she replied.
+
+
+MR. E.N. QUIRE--"What are those women mauling that man for?"
+
+MRS. HENBALLOT--"He insulted us by saying that the suffrage movement
+destroyed our naturally timid sweetness and robbed us of all our
+gentleness."
+
+
+"Did you cast your vote, Aunty?"
+
+"Oh, yes! Isn't it grand? A real nice gentleman with a beautiful
+moustache and yellow spats marked my ballot for me. I know I should
+have marked it myself, but it seemed to please him greatly."
+
+
+"Does your wife want to vote?"
+
+"No. She wants a larger town house, a villa on the sea coast and a new
+limousine car every six months. I'd be pleased most to death if she
+could fix her attention on a smaller matter like the vote."
+
+
+"What you want, I suppose, is to vote, just like the men do."
+
+"Certainly not," replied Mrs. Baring-Banners. "If we couldn't do any
+better than that there would be no use of our voting."
+
+
+"There's only one thing I can think of to head off this suffrage
+movement," said the mere man.
+
+"What is that?" asked his wife.
+
+"Make the legal age for voting thirty-five instead of
+twenty-one."--_Catholic Universe_.
+
+
+MAMIE--"I believe in woman's rights."
+
+GERTIE--"Then you think every woman should have a vote?"
+
+MAMIE--"No; but I think every woman should have a voter."--_The
+Woman's Journal_.
+
+
+During the Presidential campaign the question of woman suffrage was
+much discussed among women pro and con, and at an afternoon tea the
+conversation turned that way between the women guests.
+
+"Are you a woman suffragist?" asked the one who was most interested.
+
+"Indeed, I am not," replied the other most emphatically.
+
+"Oh, that's too bad, but just supposing you were, whom would you
+support in the present campaign?"
+
+"The same man I've always supported, of course," was the apt
+reply--"my husband."
+
+
+_See also_ Suffragettes.
+
+
+
+WOMEN'S CLUBS
+
+
+_See_ Clubs.
+
+
+
+WORDS
+
+
+_See_ Authors.
+
+
+
+WORK
+
+
+  All work and no play
+  Makes Jack surreptitiously gay.
+
+
+"Wot cheer, Alf? Yer lookin' sick; wot is it?"
+
+"Work! nuffink but work, work, work, from mornin' till night!"
+
+'"Ow long 'ave yer been at it?"
+
+"Start tomorrow."--_Punch_.
+
+
+Several men were discussing the relative importance and difficulty of
+mental and physical work, and one of them told the following
+experience:
+
+"Several years ago, a tramp, one of the finest specimens of physical
+manhood that I have ever seen, dropped into my yard and asked me for
+work. The first day I put him to work helping to move some heavy
+rocks, and he easily did as much work as any two other men, and yet
+was as fresh as could be at the end of the day.
+
+"The next morning, having no further use for him, I told him he could
+go; but he begged so hard to remain that I let him go into the cellar
+and empty some apple barrels, putting the good apples into one barrel
+and throwing away the rotten ones--about a half hour's work.
+
+"At the end of two hours he was still in the cellar, and I went down
+to see what the trouble was. I found him only half through, but almost
+exhausted, beads of perspiration on his brow.
+
+"'What's the matter?' I asked. 'Surely that work isn't hard.'
+
+"'No not hard,' he replied. 'But the strain on the judgment is
+_awful_.'"
+
+
+_See also_ Rest cure.
+
+
+
+
+WORMS
+
+
+A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and
+the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the event
+she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. Picking
+up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the admiring crowd.
+
+"Isn't this perfectly gorgeous!" she exclaimed. "Just think, it came
+from a poor little insignificant worm!"
+
+Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and said:
+"Yes, darn it, an' I'm that worm!"
+
+
+
+
+YALE UNIVERSITY
+
+
+The new cook, who had come into the household during the holidays,
+asked her mistress:
+
+"Where ban your son? I not seeing him round no more."
+
+"My son," replied the mistress pridefully. "Oh, he has gone back to
+Yale. He could only get away long enough to stay until New Year's day,
+you see. I miss him dreadfully, tho."
+
+"Yas, I knowing yoost how you feel. My broder, he ban in yail sax
+times since Tanksgiving."
+
+
+
+
+YONKERS
+
+
+An American took an Englishman to a theater. An actor in the farce,
+about to die, exclaimed: "Please, dear wife, don't bury me in
+Yonkers!"
+
+The Englishman turned to his friend and said: "I say, old chap, what
+_are_ yonkers?"
+
+
+
+
+"YOU"
+
+
+  Here's to the world, the merry old world,
+  To its days both bright and blue;
+  Here's to our future, be it what it may,
+  And here's to my best--that's you!
+
+
+
+
+ZONES
+
+
+TEACHER--"How many zones has the earth?"
+
+PUPIL--"Five."
+
+TEACHER--"Correct. Name them."
+
+PUPIL--"Temperate zone, intemperate, canal, horrid, and o."--_Life_.
+
+
+
+
+INDEX
+
+  ABILITY
+  ABOLITION
+  ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
+  ACCIDENTS
+  ACTING
+  ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
+  ADAPTATION
+  ADDRESSES
+  ADVERTISING
+  ADVICE
+  AERONAUTICS
+  AEROPLANES
+  AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
+  AGE
+  AGENTS
+  AGRICULTURE
+  ALARM CLOCKS
+  ALERTNESS
+  ALIBI
+  ALIMONY
+  ALLOWANCES
+  ALTRUISM
+  AMBITION
+  AMERICAN GIRL
+  AMERICANS
+  AMUSEMENTS
+  ANATOMY
+  ANCESTRY
+  ANGER
+  ANNIVERSARIES
+  ANTIDOTES
+  APPEARANCES
+  APPLAUSE
+  ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
+  ARITHMETIC
+  ARMIES
+  ARMY RATIONS
+  ART
+  ARTISTS
+  ATHLETES
+  ATTENTION
+  AUTHORS
+  AUTOMOBILES
+  AUTOMOBILING
+  AVIATION
+  AVIATORS
+
+  BABIES
+  BACCALAUREATE SERMONS
+  BACTERIA
+  BADGES
+  BAGGAGE
+  BALDNESS
+  BANKS AND BANKING
+  BAPTISM
+  BAPTISTS
+  BARGAINS
+  BASEBALL
+  BATHS AND BATHING
+  BAZARS
+  BEARDS
+  BEAUTY
+  BEAUTY, PERSONAL
+  BEDS
+  BEER
+  BEES
+  BEETLES
+  BEGGING
+  BETTING
+  BIBLE INTERPRETATION
+  BIGAMY
+  BILLS
+  BIRTHDAYS
+  BLUFFING
+  BLUNDERS
+  BOASTING
+  BONANZAS
+  BOOKKEEPING
+  BOOKS AND READING
+  BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING
+  BOOKWORMS
+  BOOMERANGS
+  BORES
+  BORROWERS
+  BOSSES
+  BOSTON
+  BOXING
+  BOYS
+  BREAKFAST FOODS
+  BREATH
+  BREVITY
+  BRIBERY
+  BRIDES
+  BRIDGE WHIST
+  BROOKLYN
+  BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS
+  BUILDINGS
+  BURGLARS
+  BUSINESS
+  BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
+  BUSINESS ETHICS
+  BUSINESS WOMEN
+
+  CAMPAIGNS
+  CAMPING
+  CANDIDATES
+  CANNING AND PRESERVING
+  CAPITALISTS
+  CAREFULNESS
+  CARPENTERS
+  CARVING
+  CASTE
+  CATS
+  CAUSE AND EFFECT
+  CAUTION
+  CHAMPAGNE
+  CHARACTER
+  CHARITY
+  CHICAGO
+  CHICKEN STEALING
+  CHILD LABOR
+  CHILDREN
+  CHOICES
+  CHOIRS
+  CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
+  CHRISTIANS
+  CHRISTMAS GIFTS
+  CHRONOLOGY
+  CHURCH ATTENDANCE
+  CHURCH DISCIPLINE
+  CIRCUS
+  CIVILIZATION
+  CLEANLINESS
+  CLERGY
+  CLIMATE
+  CLOTHING
+  CLUBS
+  COAL DEALERS
+  COEDUCATION
+  COFFEE
+  COINS
+  COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
+  COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
+  COLLEGE GRADUATES
+  COLLEGE STUDENTS
+  COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
+  COMMON SENSE
+  COMMUTERS
+  COMPARISONS
+  COMPENSATION
+  COMPETITION
+  COMPLIMENTS
+  COMPOSERS
+  COMPROMISES
+  CONFESSIONS
+  CONGRESS
+  CONGRESSMEN
+  CONSCIENCE
+  CONSEQUENCES
+  CONSIDERATION
+  CONSTANCY
+  CONTRIBUTION BOX
+  CONUNDRUMS
+  CONVERSATION
+  COOKERY
+  COOKS
+  CORNETS
+  CORNS
+  CORPULENCE
+  COSMOPOLITANISM
+  COST OF LIVING
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  COURAGE
+  COURTESY
+  COURTS
+  COURTSHIP
+  COWARDS
+  COWS
+  CRITICISM
+  CRUELTY
+  CUCUMBERS
+  CULTURE
+  CURFEW
+  CURIOSITY
+  CYCLONES
+
+  DACHSHUNDS
+  DAMAGES
+  DANCING
+  DEAD BEATS
+  DEBTS
+  DEER
+  DEGREES
+  DEMOCRACY
+  DEMOCRATIC PARTY
+  DENTISTRY
+  DENTISTS
+  DESCRIPTION
+  DESIGN, DECORATIVE
+  DESTINATION
+  DETAILS
+  DETECTIVES
+  DETERMINATION
+  DIAGNOSIS
+  DIET
+  DILEMMAS
+  DINING
+  DIPLOMACY
+  DISCIPLINE
+  DISCOUNTS
+  DISCRETION
+  DISPOSITION
+  DISTANCES
+  DIVORCE
+  DOGS
+  DOMESTIC FINANCE
+  DOMESTIC RELATIONS
+  DRAMA
+  DRAMATIC CRITICISM
+  DRAMATISTS
+  DRESSMAKERS
+  DRINKING
+  DROUGHTS
+  DRUNKARDS
+  DYSPEPSIA
+
+  ECHOES
+  ECONOMY
+  EDITORS
+  EDUCATION
+  EFFICIENCY
+  EGOTISM
+  ELECTIONS
+  ELECTRICITY
+  EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS
+  EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES
+  ENEMIES
+  ENGLAND
+  ENGLISH LANGUAGE
+  ENGLISHMEN
+  ENTHUSIASM
+  EPITAPHS
+  EPITHETS
+  EQUALITY
+  ERMINE
+  ESCAPES
+  ETHICS
+  ETIQUET
+  EUROPEAN WAR
+  EVIDENCE
+  EXAMINATIONS
+  EXCUSES
+  EXPOSURE
+  EXTORTION
+  EXTRAVAGANCE
+
+  FAILURES
+  FAITH
+  FAITHFULNESS
+  FAME
+  FAMILIES
+  FAREWELLS
+  FASHION
+  FATE
+  FATHERS
+  FAULTS
+  FEES
+  FEET
+  FIGHTING
+  FINANCE
+  FINGER-BOWLS
+  FIRE DEPARTMENTS
+  FIRE ESCAPES
+  FIRES
+  FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
+  FISH
+  FISHERMEN
+  FISHING
+  FLATS
+  FLATTERY
+  FLIES
+  FLIRTATION
+  FLOWERS
+  FOOD
+  FOOTBALL
+  FORDS
+  FORECASTING
+  FORESIGHT
+  FORGETFULNESS
+  FORTUNE HUNTERS
+  FOUNTAIN PENS
+  FOURTH OF JULY
+  FREAKS
+  FREE THOUGHT
+  FRENCH LANGUAGE
+  FRESHMEN
+  FRIENDS
+  FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF
+  FRIENDSHIP
+  FUN
+  FUNERALS
+  FURNITURE
+  FUTURE LIFE
+
+  GARDENING
+  GAS STOVES
+  GENEROSITY
+  GENTLEMEN
+  GERMANS
+  GHOSTS
+  GIFTS
+  GLUTTONY
+  GOLF
+  GOOD FELLOWSHIP
+  GOSSIP
+  GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
+  GOVERNORS
+  GRAFT
+  GRATITUDE
+  GREAT BRITAIN
+  GRIEF
+  GUARANTEES
+  GUESTS
+
+  HABIT
+  HADES
+  HAPPINESS
+  HARNESSING
+  HARVARD UNIVERSITY
+  HASH
+  HASTE
+  HEALTH RESORTS
+  HEARING
+  HEAVEN
+  HEIRLOOMS
+  HELL
+  HEREDITY
+  HEROES
+  HIGH COST OF LIVING
+  HINTING
+  HOME
+  HOMELINESS
+  HOMESTEADS
+  HONESTY
+  HONOR
+  HOPE
+  HORSES
+  HOSTS
+  HOTELS
+  HUNGER
+  HUNTING
+  HURRY
+  HUSBANDS
+  HYBRIDIZATION
+  HYPERBOLE
+  HYPOCRISY
+
+  IDEALS
+  ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
+  IMAGINATION
+  IMITATION
+  INFANTS
+  INQUISITIVENESS
+  INSANITY
+  INSPIRATIONS
+  INSTALMENT PLAN
+  INSTRUCTIONS
+  INSURANCE, LIFE
+  INSURANCE BLANKS
+  INSURGENTS
+  INTERVIEWS
+  INVITATIONS
+  IRISH BULLS
+  IRISHMEN
+  IRREVERENCE
+  IDEALS
+  ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
+  IMAGINATION
+  IMITATION
+  INFANTS
+  INQUISITIVENESS
+  INSANITY
+  INSPIRATIONS
+  INSTALMENT PLAN
+  INSTRUCTIONS
+  INSURANCE, LIFE
+  INSURANCE BLANKS
+  INSURGENTS
+  INTERVIEWS
+  INVITATIONS
+  IRISH BULLS
+  IRISHMEN
+  IRREVERENCE
+
+  JAMES, HENRY
+  JEWELS
+  JEWS
+  JOKES
+  JOURNALISM
+  JUDGES
+  JUDGMENT
+  JURY
+  JUSTICE
+  JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
+
+  KENTUCKY
+  KINDNESS
+  KINGS AND RULERS
+  KISSES
+  KNOWLEDGE
+  KULTUR
+
+  LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
+  LADIES
+  LANDLORDS
+  LANGUAGES
+  LAUGHTER
+  LAW
+  LAWYERS
+  LAZINESS
+  LEAP YEAR
+  LEGISLATORS
+  LIARS
+  LIBERTY
+  LIBRARIANS
+  LIFE
+  LISPING
+  LOST AND FOUND
+  LOVE
+  LOYALTY
+  LUCK
+
+  MAINE
+  MAKING GOOD
+  MALARIA
+  MARKS(WO)MANSHIP
+  MARRIAGE
+  MARRIAGE FEES
+  MATHEMATICS
+  MATRIMONY
+  MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
+  MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
+  MEDICINE
+  MEEKNESS
+  MEMORIALS
+  MEMORY
+  MEN
+  MESSAGES
+  METAPHOR
+  MICE
+  MIDDLE CLASSES
+  MILITANTS
+  MILITARY DISCIPLINE
+  MILLINERS
+  MILLIONAIRES
+  MINORITIES
+  MISERS
+  MISSIONARIES
+  MISSIONS
+  MISTAKEN IDENTITY
+  MOLLYCODDLES
+  MONEY
+  MORAL EDUCATION
+  MOSQUITOES
+  MOTHERS
+  MOTHERS-IN-LAW
+  MOTORCYCLES
+  MOUNTAINS
+  MOVING PICTURES
+  MUCK-RAKING
+  MULES
+  MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
+  MUSEUMS
+  MUSIC
+  MUSICIANS
+
+  NAMES, PERSONAL
+  NATIVES
+  NATURE LOVERS
+  NAVIGATION
+  NEATNESS
+  NEGROES
+  NEIGHBORS
+  NEW JERSEY
+  NEW YORK CITY
+  NEWS
+  NEWSPAPERS
+
+  OBESITY
+  OBITUARIES
+  OBSERVATION
+  OCCUPATIONS
+  OCEAN
+  OFFICE BOYS
+  OFFICE-SEEKERS
+  OLD AGE
+  OLD MASTERS
+  ONIONS
+  OPERA
+  OPPORTUNITY
+  OPTIMISM
+  ORATORS
+  OUTDOOR LIFE
+
+  PAINTING
+  PAINTINGS
+  PANICS
+  PARENTS
+  PARROTS
+  PARTNERSHIP
+  PASSWORDS
+  PATIENCE
+  PATRIOTISM
+  PENSIONS
+  PESSIMISM
+  PHILADELPHIA
+  PHILANTHROPISTS
+  PHILOSOPHY
+  PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
+  PICKPOCKETS
+  PINS
+  PITTSBURG
+  PLAY
+  PLEASURE
+  POETRY
+  POETS
+  POLICE
+  POLITENESS
+  POLITICAL PARTIES
+  POLITICIANS
+  POLITICS
+  POVERTY
+  PRAISE
+  PRAYER MEETINGS
+  PRAYERS
+  PREACHING
+  PRESCRIPTIONS
+  PRESENCE OF MIND
+  PRINTERS
+  PRISONS
+  PRODIGALS
+  PROFANITY
+  PROHIBITION
+  PROMOTING
+  PROMOTION
+  PROMPTNESS
+  PRONUNCIATION
+  PROPORTION
+  PROPOSALS
+  PROPRIETY
+  PROSPERITY
+  PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH
+  PROTESTANTS
+  PROVIDENCE
+  PROVINCIALISM
+  PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS
+  PUBLIC SPEAKERS
+  PUNISHMENT
+  PUNS
+  PURE FOOD
+
+  QUARRELS
+  QUESTIONS
+  QUOTATIONS
+
+  RACE PREJUDICES
+  RACE PRIDE
+  RACE SUICIDE
+  RACES
+  RAILROADS
+  RAPID TRANSIT
+  READING
+  REAL ESTATE AGENTS
+  REALISM
+  RECALL
+  RECOMMENDATIONS
+  RECONCILIATIONS
+  REFORMERS
+  REGRETS
+  REHEARSALS
+  RELATIVES
+  RELIGIONS
+  REMEDIES
+  REMINDERS
+  REPARTEE
+  REPORTING
+  REPUBLICAN PARTY
+  REPUTATION
+  RESEMBLANCES
+  RESIGNATION
+  RESPECTABILITY
+  REST CURE
+  RETALIATION
+  REVOLUTIONS
+  REWARDS
+  RHEUMATISM
+  ROADS
+  ROASTS
+  ROOSEVELT, THEODORE
+
+  SALARIES
+  SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
+  SALOONS
+  SALVATION
+  SAVING
+  SCANDAL
+  SCHOOLS
+  SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT
+  SCOTCH, THE
+  SEASICKNESS
+  SEASONS
+  SENATORS
+  SENSE OF HUMOR
+  SENTRIES
+  SERMONS
+  SERVANTS
+  SHOPPING
+  SHYNESS
+  SIGNS
+  SILENCE
+  SIN
+  SKATING
+  SKY-SCRAPERS
+  SLEEP
+  SMILES
+  SMOKING
+  SNEEZING
+  SNOBBERY
+  SNORING
+  SOCIALISTS
+  SOCIETY
+  SOLECISMS
+  SONS
+  SOUVENIRS
+  SPECULATION
+  SPEED
+  SPINSTERS
+  SPITE
+  SPRING
+  STAMMERING
+  STATESMEN
+  STATISTICS
+  STEAK
+  STEAM
+  STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS
+  STENOGRAPHERS
+  STOCK BROKERS
+  STRATEGY
+  SUBWAYS
+  SUCCESS
+  SUFFRAGETTES
+  SUICIDE
+  SUMMER RESORTS
+  SUNDAY
+  SUNDAY SCHOOLS
+  SUPERSTITION
+  SURPRISE
+  SWIMMERS
+  SYMPATHY
+  SYNONYMS
+
+  TABLE MANNERS
+  TACT
+  TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD
+  TALENT
+  TALKERS
+  TARDINESS
+  TARIFF
+  TASTE
+  TEACHERS
+  TEARS
+  TEETH
+  TELEPHONE
+  TEMPER
+  TEMPERANCE
+  TEXAS
+  TEXTS
+  THEATER
+  THIEVES
+  THIN PEOPLE
+  THRIFT
+  TIDES
+  TIME
+  TIPS
+  TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
+  TOASTS
+  TOBACCO
+  TOURISTS
+  TRAMPS
+  TRANSMUTATION
+  TRAVELERS
+  TREASON
+  TREES
+  TRIGONOMETRY
+  TROUBLE
+  TRUSTS
+  TRUTH
+  TURKEYS
+  TUTORS
+  TWINS
+
+  UMBRELLAS
+
+  VALUE
+  VANITY
+  VERSATILITY
+  VOICE
+
+  WAGES
+  WAITERS
+  WAR
+  WARNINGS
+  WASHINGTON, GEORGE
+  WASPS
+  WASTE
+  WEALTH
+  WEATHER
+  WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES
+  WEDDING PRESENTS
+  WEDDINGS
+  WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
+  WELCOMES
+  WEST, THE
+  WHISKY
+  WHISKY BREATH
+  WIDOWS
+  WIND
+  WINDFALLS
+  WINE
+  WISHES
+  WITNESSES
+  WIVES
+  WOMAN
+  WOMAN SUFFRAGE
+  WOMEN'S CLUBS
+  WORDS
+  WORK
+  WORMS
+
+  YALE UNIVERSITY
+  YONKERS
+  "YOU"
+
+  ZONES
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook: Toaster's Handbook
+by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK: TOASTER'S HANDBOOK ***
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